The Little Book of Dating Rules

Crombie Jardine PUBLISHING LIMITED Office 2 3 Edgar Buildings George Street Bath BA1 2FJ www.crombiejardine.com This edition was first published by Crombie Jardine Publishing Limited in 2007 Copyright © Crombie Jardine Publishing Limited, 2007 All rights are reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise, without the prior written permission of the publisher. ISBN 978-1-905102-95-2 Typesetting and cover design by Ben Ottridge Printed by William Clowes, Beccles, Suffolk

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Contents Introduction ................................................... 5 Asking Rules ................................................... 7 Location Rules .............................................. 13 Timing Rules ................................................ 17 Hygiene and Grooming Rules .................... 21 Conversation Rules ...................................... 22 10 Things Never To Say On A Date ........... 30 Dress Rules ................................................... 32 Restaurant Rules .......................................... 36 Etiquette Rules ............................................. 38 Drinks Rules ................................................. 46 Body Language Rules ................................... 51 Money Rules ................................................ 58 Kissing Rules ................................................ 61 Escape Rules ................................................. 64 Dating Proverbs ............................................ 68 Sex Rules ....................................................... 70

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Blind Date Rules .......................................... 74 Internet Dating Rules .................................. 78 Speed Dating Rules ...................................... 83 Dating Rules from Around the World ........ 92 When Dating Goes Wrong ........................ 101 Rejection Rules .......................................... 108 Are You a Good Dater? .............................. 111

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Introduction Dating can be a scary business, a minefield of potential embarrassment, rejection and humiliation, but you only have to look at the people who have succeeded to see that it’s not impossible. Luckily there are rules to make the game easier to follow and play. Like with the laws of anything from rugby to Scrabble, these were invented to ensure that everyone got a fair chance 5

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and, assuming they played the game fairly, could end up with something more than just a wooden spoon and a patronising pat on the head. So whether you’re a boy or a girl, an asker or an askee, a blind-dater, speeddater or just a no-hope-dater, here’s an easy-to-follow guide to the perils of dating.

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Asking Rules It is the woman who chooses the man who will choose her. Anon

Remember that the hardest part of dating is getting the date, and once that’s been successfully negotiated, you’re laughing. So there’s no need to go into a darkened room and play Radiohead just because the boys all ignore you or the girls are all miraculously busy until May 2009. Just follow the rules. 7

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For Him As the vast majority of asking is still done by men, here are a couple of important points: <

Never ask her if she’d like to go out “sometime”; it’s like asking, “Do you think you would have sex with me if the circumstances were right?” Ask her out for a specific event, or a specific night, for dinner or drinks.

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ASKING RULES

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Never ask twice. If she says ‘no’ to an evening, but she’s interested, she will offer an alternative date instead. If she doesn’t, dust yourself off and move on.

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Don’t ask her out for a Monday, Tuesday or Wednesday date. It looks like she’s a low priority and that you have someone else more important on Thursday. Anyway, who wants to bother making conversation so early in the week?

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Don’t ask her on a Saturday date, either! It may seem too intrusive, especially if both of you work in town and your weekends are reserved for friends. Saturdays also have that symbolic ‘couples nights’ feel.

For Her Traditionally women tend to be the askee, but don’t be afraid of taking the initiative. Though it’s true that it gives the man the upper hand to start with, you can always turn the tables when he’s hopelessly in love with you later 10

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ASKING RULES

and have him eating out of your hand. But if you lose contact with him, he’s gone forever. If asked, feel free to feign a packed diary for his first suggested date. Being busy is an attractive quality in both sexes, but don’t seem so manic that you have to ‘pencil in’ a day the following spring. He will want his dates to be slightly easier to see than an NHS dentist.

For Everyone Having tickets to a particular show or event is a major plus, even if you 11

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orchestrated this and your story about finding them under a magic lamp is somewhat exaggerated. Make sure you have a good back-up friend who will come if your date says ‘no’. Don’t push. No one is under any obligation to say why they won’t go out with you, and the chances are, you probably wouldn’t like the answer. Besides, most people should stop saying ‘why?’ over and over again when they hit double figures.

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Location Rules For the Asker/Man Restaurants are the most popular choice, followed by a drink in a bar or a show of some kind. Suggest to her a particular cuisine, as if you have a restaurant in mind. Don’t ask what food she likes; it looks like laziness on your part. There are dozens of different nationalities to decide from these days, it’s up to you to suggest one.

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Avoid the cinema on the first date. It might give you something to talk about, but you’ll spend the whole time worrying about breaking the ice. It also means finding a film that you’ll both like but haven’t seen, and a misfiring comedy can kill a relationship. How many sweet romances might have flourished were it not for Britcoms like Churchill: The Hollywood Years? Choose somewhere geographically neutral. If that’s not possible, pick somewhere closer to her. It will make it easier for her to get home, and choosing the kebab shop underneath 14

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LOCATION RULES

your flat looks like you assume she’ll be coming back later for some first date lurving.

For the Askee/Woman Let your date decide on a venue, if they’re doing the asking. Don’t be picky with cuisine, and always be up for something new. If your date is hesitant about making a decision, coax him into doing so. Indecision is worse than a bad decision. Well, most of the time. 15

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Check things like bus routes and bring a taxi firm number with you. It might not be a horse-drawn carriage with fairy godmother, but in this day and age a reputable mini cab firm is the next best thing.

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Timing Rules For Him Arrive around ten minutes early and try to grab a table with some privacy (especially if it’s a bar). Don’t call until after your date’s over 15 minutes late, and give her 45 minutes before giving up and heading off home or somewhere else. There is some dispute over how long a man should wait (some women suggest over an hour or even two) but in the mobile 17

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phone age there’s no excuse for not calling. If she rings the next day with an incredibly plausible excuse (stuck on Tube, lost her phone, kidnapped by insurgents are all good ones), then agree on another date.

For Her Don’t get there first. Arrive about five minutes late, but no more.

For Everyone Unless specifically stated, leave the whole evening free for the date. Don’t 18

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TIMING RULES

turn up at the restaurant just to inform the other person you’re meeting your friends at 9pm, because they then have the humiliation of facing their flatmates before the watershed has even kicked in, having gone on all week about their ‘big date’.

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Two friends met the morning after one had met a man. “How was your blind date?” one girl asked the other. “Terrible!” the other answered. “The man showed up in his 1936 vintage Bentley.” “Amazing! But that’s a very expensive classic car. What’s so bad about that?” The friend replied, “He was the original owner.”

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Hygiene and Grooming Rules This one is just for the chaps…

For Him It should go without saying that you must wash before a date, and yet survey after survey shows that women cite ‘poor hygiene’ as the biggest turn-off, which suggests it’s a problem they’ve experienced.

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Conversation Rules Let’s face it: a date is a job-interview that lasts all night. The only difference is in not many job-interviews is there a chance you’ll end up naked at the end of it. Jerry Seinfeld

For Him It’s almost as important what you don’t say. In other words, listen to her! Show some interest in what your date is 22

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CONVERSATION RULES

saying, and ask questions. Imagine that at the end of the night you had to answer twenty questions about her conversation, and each mark above C+ allowed you to see another bit of her naked (not conventional exam practice, I admit). One of the biggest no-nos from a women’s point of view is a man who is incapable of showing emotions. You don’t have to burst out crying while reminiscing about your dead dog, but show you are at least as interested in her feelings as in the current football league tables. 23

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Don’t show off about your own supposed prowess in the areas of business, fighting, sexual conquest or Medal of Honour. Arrogance is often cited as the biggest turn-off, although confidence is the biggest turn-on. Where those two meet is up to you to decide.

For Her Retain your feminine mystique. Refrain from talking about areas of the female realm, especially those concerning your body or grooming preparation. Chances are he won’t understand you anyway. 24

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CONVERSATION RULES

Meet him half way on the emotional front. You might think he’s borderline autistic such is his inability to communicate emotions, but don’t force them out of him. Don’t use words like ‘issues’ to any British man; his brain will go to automatic emergency shut down.

For Everyone Find out about the other person without using obvious questions like, “What do you do?”, “Where did you go to university?” or “So, tell me about yourself while I mentally make my ‘to do’ list for tomorrow.” 25

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Gossip about celebrities and current issues; and avoid politics and religion. These conversations can go drastically wrong and quickly descend into arguments. In the days before pubs were brewery-controlled, most landlords strictly enforced a ‘no politics, no religion’ rule. Don’t be negative; dating is supposed to be fun. Don’t moan about your colleagues or take out your ‘shit list’ of people who’ve displeased you.

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Feel free to change the conversation if it is going nowhere. If you started the discussion about council refuse policy, apologise in a light-hearted way and talk about the latest Big Brother. Don’t take it seriously; it’s not a job interview, despite what Seinfeld said, and neither are you assessing each other’s mating potential. You’re just two people enjoying each other’s company, with the door open for future developments. Be polite.

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Don’t, I repeat don’t, ask your companion what they think so far of the date, or whether they like you.

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A couple are on a first date, when the man spends the whole night talking about himself – his driving, his job, his background, family and lads’ holiday from last year. Meanwhile the woman has shown the patience of a saint. Finally the man stops and turns to her, “But enough about me, let’s talk about you.” The woman breathes a sigh of relief. “So, what do you think about me?”

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10 Things Never To Say On A Date 1)

“Yes it is a nice restaurant. I had to come tonight before the voucher ran out.”

2)

“I probably shouldn’t drink, it doesn’t go well with the medication.”

3)

“The tan? I’ve just come back from a girls’ holiday in Magaluf. I could tell you a few stories.”

4)

“My last girlfriend/boyfriend used to do the same thing with her/his mouth.” 30

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10 THINGS NEVER TO SAY ON A DATE

5)

“I can’t stay out too late – Match of the Day is on at half-ten.”

6)

“That’s a revealing top.”

7)

“So how much do you earn?”

8)

“So... you had the fish and a glass of wine. You owe £15.25. Oh, plus half the tip.”

9)

“Does your family have any hereditary defects?”

10)

“I say just nuke the place and get the hell out of there.”

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Dress Rules For Him Remember, most women place a huge importance on a man’s shoes, and, for some, bad footwear is an instant sending-off offence. It’s just something men will never understand. Dress as smartly as is possible while still ‘smart casual’. You wouldn’t turn up to a job interview with a ketchup stain on your shirt, why do so for what could be the most important night of your life? 32

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DRESS RULES

If possible, wear something that can be a talking point, because a woman will pick up on something and ask about it. Wear an item that allows you to tell a story that makes you look adventurous, heroic and generous (“Oh, that thing, that’s just a Victoria Cross I picked up last year”).

For Her Remember, this is a special occasion and your date will be offended if he thinks you haven’t made an effort.

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Men are very shallow, and, as the saying goes, while women fall in love with their ears, men do so with their eyes. So as much as they’d like to not be, men are prejudiced, and will automatically assume a woman wearing a revealing outfit is easier to get into bed.

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A woman who was desperate for companionship took out an ad on the net. It read, “I need a man who won’t beat me, won’t run off, and is great in bed”. The next day the bell rang, and she found a quadriplegic outside. “You have no arms,” she pointed out. He answered: “I won’t beat you.” “You have no legs,” she added. He said, “I won’t run away with another woman!” Embarrassed, she asked: “How can you be great in bed?” He replied: “I rang the doorbell, didn’t I?” 35

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Restaurant Rules For the Asker Choose a venue that is clean and not cheap, but avoid somewhere too snooty or you’ll both feel uncomfortable, and your date will feel guilty about ordering anything more expensive than bread and tap water. Avoid any food you feel might end the night on your shirt, like spaghetti, or any cuisine likely to make you self-conscious, like Indian. The day you’re able to share 36

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RESTAURANT RULES

a curry together without embarrassment is the day you’re a match. Always tip, unless the food or service is positively poisonous. Restaurants know that tightness is a deal-breaker for most women on a date, which is why they often add a service charge (who’s going to make a fuss about that on his first date?).

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Etiquette Rules Watching your daughter being collected by her date feels like handing over a million dollar Stradivarius violin to a gorilla. Jim Bishop, 20 th-century American writer

For Him There’s no need to be anal about which fork goes first, but have some table manners. Women think about the long term, and a slob on the first date will 38

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ETIQUETTE RULES

be glued to the sofa with his arm elbow deep in a family pack of crisps in 10 years time. Don’t swear on the first date – ‘bugger’ should be about the limit. And only if you’re posh and look like Hugh Grant. Be chivalrous but without being possessive. Offer to lend her your coat on a rainy night or take her home, but take ‘no’ to mean just that and nothing else. Hold doors open, and not just for your date. Be polite to other people; remember that most passers-by are far 39

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friendlier to couples than to all-male groups or men by themselves, and savour this rare good feeling (because you won’t have it on the train into work the next day when you’re back to being just another lone male). Compliment her, though make these compliments sparing and specific, and not simply “nice clothes”, etc. Say you like an item of clothing and ask where she got it, without making it too obvious you’re just repeating, parrotfashion, a line from Queer Eye for the Straight Guy.

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If she’s wearing a low-cut top, for heaven’s sake don’t choose that as the item to comment on. It’s basically like saying “nice tits”, and you’ll look as sophisticated as a Caveman-era painter and decorator. But whatever happens, and unless your date actually runs off with your wallet, a man should always be courteous and gentlemanly, adopting the old world manners of a Virginian plantation owner, minus the unethical employment practices.

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For Her Accept offers of chivalry with good grace, even if you think them odd. He’ll feel useful and it will raise his confidence. Act like a lady, even if you can’t wait to get back into tracksuit bottoms and open a can of lager while spilling crisps down your top.

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ETIQUETTE RULES

For Everyone Never flirt with anyone else on the date, whether it’s the busty barmaid or the well-kept Italian man with the enormous pepper grinder. Mobile phones should be switched off from the time you sit down to eat, with one phone break to take important messages (see Escape Rules). Before that, answer (so as not to leave the impression that there’s someone else on the scene) and say you’ll call back. A man or woman who chats through a date will have plenty of time in future to talk to their friends. 43

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These manners should go for everyone you meet, especially anyone serving you. Any date who is rude to a waiter should be jettisoned at the first opportunity like a Bond villain’s lackey out of a hot air balloon. And be nice even to beggars, charity muggers, or people who come hassling you in the pub trying to sell rotten flowers for some children’s charity you suspect doesn’t exist.

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A woman went over to her friend and asked, “I hear you broke off your engagement to Pete. Why?” “It’s just that my feelings towards him aren’t what they used to do be,” replied the friend. “So are you returning his ring?” “No way! My feelings towards the ring haven’t changed a bit!”

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Drinks Rules For Him Offer to share a bottle of wine, and ask if she has any preferences. Just because you are (you guess) paying the bill, there’s no need to be a drinks dictator. Try to avoid ordering a pint of lager in a restaurant, or a cocktail with a silly, sex-related name. It might be all the rage in Ayia Napa, but so is shouting “Oi oi saveloy” at passers-by and you wouldn’t do that on a date. 46

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DRINKS RULES

Don’t buy the second cheapest bottle on the menu; if you’re not rich, order the house wine instead, as these are bought in bulk and nine times out of ten are better quality. And tell her you’ve heard ‘amazing things’ about the house wine here (and you’re not simply being a cheapo). Otherwise go for a medium range bottle – and not the most expensive on the list, either. It’s crass on an early date; if you’re wealthy you shouldn’t show off the fact, and if your date found out you blew a whole day’s wages on one bottle, she’d rightly think you an idiot. 47

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And be true to yourself. Don’t pretend to be a wine expert if your experience of vino is simply grabbing the first bottle you see with ‘£3.99’ written on the label. She might work for Threshers, for all you know.

For Her Don’t match him drink for drink. The chances are you’ll end up drunker than him, which is never a good thing on a first date – men always think they’re sharp and witty while drunk, but find the exact same behaviour in women

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DRINKS RULES

somehow ‘not classy’. Especially don’t take up anyone’s offer to down a yard of ale. Avoid overtly feminine drinks like white wine spritzers or – horror of horrors - alcopops. Red wine is far more sophisticated, even if it gives you a whopping great hangover. But take a bathroom break to check you haven’t got black teeth; the old crone look went out of fashion a good few years ago.

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For Everyone Don’t drink too much, unless it’s a very informal date in the student bar. Especially don’t drink more than two glasses if your date is teetotal. In which case, hey!, what a lot of fun you’re going to have, you lucky thing!

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Body Language Rules Women might be able to fake orgasms, but men can fake whole relationships. Sharon Stone

According to scientists, 94% of all communication is non-verbal, which means that in theory a date in which neither of you say a word all night could still be considered more than 90% successful. So, if you’re keen on the other person, it’s important to give the right signals. 51

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Space Gauge whether they are tactile or not. Everybody has their own social distances, those spaces within which they feel comfortable and safe, and these can vary widely between people. There are four social distances, each of which has an average range, but these vary between people. Public Zone – over 12 feet The distance we like to keep from strangers, especially those we might see as a potential threat. 52

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BODY LANGUAGE RULES

Social Zone – 4-12 feet A comfortable space for talking in a group, but too far away for direct personal interaction. Personal Zone – 2-4 feet A one-to-one conversation between acquaintances. The right distance for the start of a date. Intimate Zone – under 2 feet Personal space that should only be occupied by lovers, family and close friends. Be careful not to invade this unless you’re sure the signals are right.

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Be especially considerate as some people have wider zones than others, and will feel threatened by close contact. This also differs between cultures, so that southern Europeans prefer closer contact to Brits or Scandinavians, while city folk are used to closer space than their rural relatives. On the other hand, don’t sit yourself 12 feet from your date. Especially if you’re next to the speakers.

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Other points For Everyone Imitating the person you’re with shows empathy with them, and affection, although don’t take this too far by repeating everything they say, in the same accent. When the time is right for flirting, gently touching your date will convey that you feel warm towards them, though it goes without saying to stay away from intimate areas. 55

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Eye contact is a vital part of body language, and it’s important to walk the fine line between guarded wallflower and seeming too intense. Holding someone’s eye shows confidence, but go too far and you’ll look like an axemurderer. Pointing your feet in their direction conveys interest, as does self-grooming during conversation. Remember, just as a waggling tail can mean different things to different animals, so too some people give off positive signals when they’re actually feeling negative. 56

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For Him Don’t look below the neck, for God’s sake. Unless you are 100% sure you won’t get caught.

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Money Rules For Him As a general rule, if a man asks a woman out for dinner, he should pay for it, but she is perfectly entitled to pay half. Do not take this as rejection. If she offers to pay once, insist you will cover it. If she offers a second time, take up her offer.

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MONEY RULES

For Her Don’t feel bad about letting the man pay for dinner. He may feel he’s just being chivalrous, and doesn’t expect anything in return. And certainly don’t feel obliged to kiss him, or see him again, just because you got a free meal out of it. Men understand that, just as women have to kiss plenty of frogs to find their prince, they’ll have to spend a lot of money before they can get out of the same swamp. If he pays for dinner, offer to pay the tip. If he says no to this, he is probably a control freak. 59

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If you asked him out for dinner, he will probably offer to pay half. Don’t be offended by this – it’s just his programming.

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Kissing Rules If you are ever in doubt as to whether or not you should kiss a pretty girl, always give her the benefit of a doubt. Thomas Carlyle, 19th-century Scottish philosopher

Remember that if this turns out to be the romance of your life, then your future wife will never forget the time your eyes first met under the moonlight and you drunkenly slobbered all over her with smoky booze breath.

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For Him Never ask first. Don’t kiss cold, without there being some physical contact already; like with all exercise, you have to warm up first otherwise you could get an injury (a knee in the balls). Don’t make a lunge. Position yourself first. Don’t lose your nerve halfway and kiss her cheek, or do a half kiss that leaves both parties embarrassed and confused. 62

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KISSING RULES

For Her In the case of an unwanted kiss, simply close your mouth and make it clear you’re not ready for that. Don’t swerve your head, push him back, or head butt, tempting though it is.

For Everyone Make it short and sweet, and go back to talking afterwards. You’ll have plenty of time for washing machining, facesucking and generally disgusting all passers-by in future. 63

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Escape Rules I only date stewardesses, or maybe it just seems that way. Women always seem to be showing me the exits. Scott Roeben, American humorist

Hey, so your date has confided in you that he believes the CIA is reading his thoughts, or that she still keeps over 40 teddy bears in her room and kisses them goodnight each evening. Fear not, for you don’t need to be an SAS survival expert to get out of this situation. 64

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ESCAPE RULES

For Everyone Take your phone on your toilet break, and call a good friend with preprogrammed instructions to ring in 15 minutes. There are many scenarios that are legitimate date breakers, but the best ones are: <

A sick relative (it can be a fictional great-aunt, if you’re superstitious)

<

Work problems. The boss needs you to have something rewritten for the morning 65

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<

Crazy friend. Your best mate has just been dumped by his/her lover, and you need to console them.

Of course, all these tricks will also make you look dedicated and loyal, but presumably you’ll be past caring by this stage. Some people like to pre-arrange an escape call from a friend anyway, while a phone company in Little Rock, Arkansas offers unhappy daters the chance to get out with a pre-recorded

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ESCAPE RULES

message. Cingular Wireless’s ‘EscapeA-Date’ service gives its customers a rescue call at a set time, and to add realism the voice recording tells the caller exactly what to say. These come from a choice of eight different scripts, the most popular being “My roommate has been locked out”.

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THE LITTLE BOOK OF DATING RULES

Dating Proverbs Don’t think any of our dating problems are a new thing. Long ago our ancestors worked out that courting was just one more pain to deal with in between bouts of plague and pestilence. Here are some of the famous sayings: <

One can be unhappy by oneself, but to be truly tormented, one must love.

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To love is to embrace life. To love fully is to embrace both death and life. 68

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DATING PROVERBS

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Love begins with a smile, grows with a kiss, and ends with a teardrop.

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Men are like roses. Watch out for the pricks [A more recent addition].

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THE LITTLE BOOK OF DATING RULES

Sex Rules Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus. Bob Rubin, former U.S. Treasur y Secretary

For Men Don’t rush things. Ensure you don’t feel tempted to invite her back too soon by keeping your flat in a state of squalid untidiness. Ensure your dirty, stinking

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SEX RULES

flatmate stays home that night and invites his local rugby club around. Ultimately, you are responsible for contraception. If you feel you might need it, keep protection in your wallet, preferably one that isn’t past its ‘sell by’ date.

For Women Make sure he eats his greens before giving him the dessert. In other words, don’t let him sleep with you until he has proved his noble intentions and treated you well. Sex on the first date, 71

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THE LITTLE BOOK OF DATING RULES

or even on the second or third, will likely ruin the chance of it going anywhere. Not in every case, but in most. Good things come to those who date.

For Everyone If you do sleep over at someone’s flat, don’t overstay your welcome the next morning. Don’t wait until they’ve started Hoovering under your feet; make your excuses and leave, because this might just be a one-night stand. Unless, of course, the host offers to make you breakfast… 72

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SEX RULES

If you think this is the real thing, keep bedroom activities to yourself. No one else need know about what happened last night, even if the grin on your face can be seen from the other side of your office.

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THE LITTLE BOOK OF DATING RULES

Blind Date Rules I’ve been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog. Wendy Liebman, U.S. comedian

For the Asker (Him or Her) Make sure the mutual friend organising it has a willing volunteer, and that you too are up for having fun. Once they have given you the number, or email, take it from there. You can hardly expect the mutual friend to arrange a restaurant booking, choose 74

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BLIND DATE RULES

your order then decide whose flat you go back to, can you? When you make the call, just talk about arrangements and save the chitchat for the actual night; there’s no point wasting valuable small talk on a conversation that’s going to be unbelievably embarrassing anyway.

For Everyone Blind dates are far more ‘lookist’ than regular ones, and the initial impression is crucial. So double the effort you’d normally make. 75

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THE LITTLE BOOK OF DATING RULES

Blind dates can go disastrously wrong, as anyone who’s watched the ‘after’ part of the TV show Blind Date can tell you: the bits where the man thinks she absolutely loved him, when in fact she thought him a childish, drunk, inadequate loser. Don’t take it to heart; some people just do not click. But if you’re an anti-globalisation activist and your friend has set you up with a born-again Christian, be wary in future of their matchmaking skills. You need a skilled matchmaker for these things.

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BLIND DATE RULES

And remember – always be polite, and don’t do anything to jeopardise your date’s friendship with the organiser, for example suddenly saying, “So you’re still friends with Tim after he slept with your ex?”

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THE LITTLE BOOK OF DATING RULES

Internet Dating Rules “Do you believe in computer dating?” “Only if the computers really love each other.” Groucho Marx

For Him Contact as many women as possible. The whole point of online dating is that rejection isn’t as bad as the real thing.

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INTERNET DATING RULES

Make sure your approach email doesn’t look generic. Don’t write, ‘Dear Woman’, for example. Don’t lie (too much) because it’s not worth the hassle in the long term. It might seem a good idea at the time typing ‘male models’ into Google Image search, but it just means having to make up a new lie later on about some industrial accident you suffered. Don’t appear sinister. Don’t rush any potential date. Don’t ask to meet in a private location. Don’t mention any pet reptiles. 79

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THE LITTLE BOOK OF DATING RULES

For Her Do not approach a man first, unless you’re absolutely sure of him. Internet dating is, in some ways, even more oldfashioned than the regular kind of dating. Choose a good screen name, one that suggests that you’re good fun, but don’t make it either desperate or too sexual, so no ‘DesperateHousewife58’, ‘SexyGlamourBabe19’or ‘Anymananymanpleaseanyman38’. Take time to respond to emails. No one is impressed by a person with too much 80

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INTERNET DATING RULES

time on their hands. Likewise, don’t answer at the weekend. Don’t post a sultry photo, rather a smiley one instead. Men might find the pouting look sexy, but they want to enjoy the date. Think of Lorraine Kelly, who in 2005 came top of a Nuts magazine survey of women men secretly fancy – because she’s a laugh. Always ask for a photo, and don’t stand for a man who won’t send one because of technological excuses. If he’s too thick to download or scan a photo, he’s not exactly alpha-male material. 81

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THE LITTLE BOOK OF DATING RULES

Be careful when meeting; tell a friend, meet in a public place, and don’t go around to his place until you’re sure his last three girlfriends aren’t still in his house, rotting away in the cupboard.

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Speed Dating Rules Based on a Jewish matchmaking practice, speed dating was invented by a rabbi in 1999, before the Internet brought it to the masses. It usually involves between 10 and 30 of each sex, who have on average seven minutes to talk to each person before choosing one or many of them to see again (in some places you have as little as three minutes). The rules are different to regular dating, and apply to both sexes. 83

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THE LITTLE BOOK OF DATING RULES

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Men move, while women stay seated.

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Do not ask where they live.

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Be polite, and don’t skip a date.

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Respect the bell, otherwise you could be stopping her from meeting the man of her dreams (i.e. the next man).

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Do not let your date know whether you intend to choose them.

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SPEED DATING RULES

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Do not ask for a phone number.

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Don’t be downhearted. Approximately half of speed daters come away with nothing for all their efforts (and money).

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THE LITTLE BOOK OF DATING RULES

Double Dating Rules For Everyone Make an effort to talk to the other couple, but don’t spend too much time with your friend’s date, and especially do not flirt with them. Build your friend up, but don’t have conversations closed to the others, such as office politics or something that happened in the 3rd year of school, 86

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DOUBLE DATING RULES

which obviously seems hilarious to anyone who was there. Try to encourage neutral conversations away from traditional male/female bastions. Split the bill, if not four ways, then two.

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THE LITTLE BOOK OF DATING RULES

Phone Rules For Him This is a tricky one, and there are two schools of thought. Some suggest you should call her the night after a date, at least to see if she got home all right and to offer some reassurance that it wasn’t just a one-night stand as far as you are concerned. Then there is the ‘Three Day School of Thought’, which is a college of the University of Treat ’Em Mean, Keep 88

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PHONE RULES

’Em Keen. The disadvantage of this is that, just as she’ll be thinking a great deal about you calling, so will you, and your confidence will probably drop as the days go by. Both tactics have their ups and downs, but most important of all – call when you say you will.

For Her If you’ve taken the initiative in taking the number then follow the rules just mentioned. 89

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THE LITTLE BOOK OF DATING RULES

If you have his number but he said he’d call, don’t give in. There is a small chance he’s lost his phone and your number with it, but it’s still a small one. If he has done this and he knows where you work or you have a mutual friend, he can track you down.

For Everyone When it comes to getting numbers, ask, but don’t offer. Take the person’s phone number, and accept that the ball is in your court. If you call the number and it turns out to be the National Rail Enquiries line, take that as a ‘not interested’. 90

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PHONE RULES

Don’t be offended if they end the call first, especially if it’s at work. They might be negotiating a million-pound deal, or having stationery thrown at them by their boss. And always call on a Sunday. What with hangovers, work looming and the Eastenders omnibus, everyone needs all the cheering up they can get.

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THE LITTLE BOOK OF DATING RULES

Dating Rules from Around the World The current no-holds-barred form of dating has been the norm for less than a century; and prior to it all Western societies had a dating structure, usually involving some interfering mother-inlaw at the centre of proceedings. And while some of these were quite bizarre, some modern countries have developed their own techniques.

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DATING RULES FROM AROUND THE WORLD

In Japan, the form of courtship called omiai involves a matchmaker who organises and exchanges pictures and CVs of the young singletons. Once both sets of parents have agreed on a suitable match, they meet up and ask the children if they want to get married. Repeatedly. Until they say ‘yes’.

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THE LITTLE BOOK OF DATING RULES

Scotland was the first country that allowed women to propose marriage, in 1228.

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DATING RULES FROM AROUND THE WORLD

In Norway, when a woman came of her age her father would put an empty sheath around her waist; if a suitor wished to show his interest, he would place a knife in it. What would Sigmund Freud say? Something about penises, probably. The knifebased courtship is common to all Scandinavia.

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THE LITTLE BOOK OF DATING RULES

In Wales it used to be the custom for a man to make the woman a wooden spoon, while in olde England a smitten gentleman would send a lady some gloves. If she wore them to church, it meant she was interested. Or cold.

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DATING RULES FROM AROUND THE WORLD

In early colonial America courting couples were placed fully clothed into a bed, with the girls’ legs tied to the bed, to allow the couple to take the relationship slowly.

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THE LITTLE BOOK OF DATING RULES

In Finland the practice of stealing women from neighbouring villages was so common that it developed into the country’s number one sport; wifecarrying. The annual event, in which the world champion wins his wife’s weight in beer, takes place every November in the village of Sonkajarvi.

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DATING RULES FROM AROUND THE WORLD

While in Mexico a betrothed couple traditionally have rope tied around their necks to symbolise their being chained together for the rest of their lives.

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THE LITTLE BOOK OF DATING RULES

And finally, in Iran dating is outlawed. Any publishers wishing to translate this book into Farsi should write to the usual address.

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When Dating Goes Wrong There is plenty of scope for disaster in the dating game, but at least it gives you something to talk about. And it can’t be much worse than any of these...

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THE LITTLE BOOK OF DATING RULES

“Back at uni I was asked out by this real party animal, who was always clubbing. I was waiting outside the cinema on the Saturday night when I saw Martin approaching – with 22, I repeat 22, people. He had gone out clubbing all night and brought along half the club, and was so out of his head he couldn’t be reasoned with. I remember one of his new friends was a juggler, for some reason.” Jessie, London

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WHEN DATING GOES WRONG

“I went on a blind date, got on really well, and went back to her house. I woke up late for a job, said ‘goodbye’, walked along the road and realised it was 4.30am and I’d only been asleep for 10 minutes. I had to wake her up and get her to let me back in again.” Rich, Bristol

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THE LITTLE BOOK OF DATING RULES

“I was seeing this guy and he was supposed to come around to my house for dinner at 8pm. He turned up at midnight, drunk, and with blood pouring from his nose. He’d been in a fight. I put him to bed, where he vomited everywhere, leaving me to sleep on the sofa. But four years later, we’re still together!” Tanya, London

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WHEN DATING GOES WRONG

“I was dating for a few weeks, but my ‘boyfriend’ was really busy, I could only see him on average once a week. Finally when I was around his flat one day I saw another mobile phone. Confronting him, he admitted it was his, and said he needed it ‘for work’, but I demanded to see the text messages. As I suspected, he was cheating, not with just one girl but four others! Poor silly fool must have been exhausted!” Gemma, Surrey

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THE LITTLE BOOK OF DATING RULES

“I went for a date with this divorcee in her late ‘30s, whom I’d met in the pub a week before. I was surprised but pleased when she invited me back to her house, and things were going well. Until her husband turned up, pissed in both senses of the word. He had his hand behind his back and I thought he was going to attack me, even when I explained that I was innocent. It turns out by ‘divorced’ she meant ‘had an argument with the husband.’ I made my excuses and left, but the annoying thing is I had to stop going to my local, as he was a well-known nutcase there.” Richard, Dublin 106

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WHEN DATING GOES WRONG

“On a first date in a romantic restaurant, everything was going fine until mid-conversation. I smelt burning, and looked down to see a large, expanding hole. I’d dropped a cigarette and set my trousers on fire, so I grabbed the wine from the table and poured the contents onto my lap. Needless to say I never saw her again. Strangely, I also managed to accidentally set my trousers alight on the New York subway just two months later.” Tom, Brighton

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THE LITTLE BOOK OF DATING RULES

Rejection Rules Why do you have to break up with her? Be a man. Just stop calling. Joey from Friends

According to U.S. comedian Jerry Seinfeld, no one deserves a face-to-face break up until the seventh date. But what are the rules to pre-relationship dumping?

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REJECTION RULES

For Everyone Say at the end of the date, “We should do this again some time,” rather than promising to call or arranging an actual date. The most important thing is...lie. Or sweeten the truth, and spare their feelings. Being let down gently is like being flattered. Even if you’re being lied to, at least they respect you enough to lie to you.

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THE LITTLE BOOK OF DATING RULES

Friendship often ends in love; but love in friendship — never. Charles Caleb Colton

In other words, better to gain a good friend then a bad lover.

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Are You a Good Dater? Think you’re the Brad Pitt of Brighton, or the Beyonce of Barnsley? Take the test and see how you score.

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THE LITTLE BOOK OF DATING RULES

For Him

1.

You’re sitting down at a restaurant with a date when the waiter comes with the wine list. What do you order?

a.

A £12 bottle of red.

b.

A pint of Stella, with no head, shouted loudly.

c.

Vodka Martini, shaken not stirred, with an umbrella stuck in.

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ARE YOU A GOOD DATER?

2.

On dates, your conversation tends to focus on what?

a.

Poetry, the arts, current affairs.

b.

Football, booze and Alan Partridge impressions.

c.

Yourself.

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THE LITTLE BOOK OF DATING RULES

3.

How did your last date end?

a.

Back at her place, for a night of passion and a morning of more passion followed by breakfast.

b.

With the words “yeah, that was fun, we should do it again sometime not especially soon.”

c.

With your date going to the toilet with, it occurred to you half an hour later, her bag and coat. 114

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ARE YOU A GOOD DATER?

4.

Which words did your last date use to describe your evening?

a.

“Wonderful”, “adventure” and “lifetime”.

b.

“Interesting”, “experience” and “chalk that one down”.

c.

“Ordeal”, “unbearable” and “I’ll kill the bitch who set us up”.

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THE LITTLE BOOK OF DATING RULES

5.

Where do you see yourself meeting your future wife?

a.

At a dinner party through mutual friends.

b.

On some dance floor at 2am.

c.

Via a Far East marriage agency.

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ARE YOU A GOOD DATER?

For Her

1.

Your friends tend to set you up on blind dates with…

a.

Their boyfriend’s first choice single friends.

b.

Nice chaps, who unfortunately tend to discuss Star Trek during the first course, and suffer bouts of Tourette’s Syndrome during dessert.

c.

Alcoholics, mummy’s boys and ex-cons with facial twitches. 117

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THE LITTLE BOOK OF DATING RULES

2.

What, in your opinion, is the gravest problem facing our society?

a.

Terrorism and the clash of civilisations.

b.

Global warming and the future of the planet.

c.

Where have all the good men gone?

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ARE YOU A GOOD DATER?

3.

What piece of technology would you most like to see developed?

a.

Carbon-free engine.

b.

Flying car.

c.

The Bullshit Detector, the Timewasteriser, and the Loser-sensing Missile.

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THE LITTLE BOOK OF DATING RULES

4.

Before each date these days, what do you do?

a.

Put on an uplifting record and drink a glass of bubbly.

b.

Call your best friend and discuss tactics.

c.

Get down and pray to God to not send you another dud.

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ARE YOU A GOOD DATER?

5.

What will it say on your gravestone?

a.

Beloved wife, grandmother, and managing director.

b.

Beloved wife to a string of losers.

c.

Although I may have gone my love life hasn’t changed much down here.

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THE LITTLE BOOK OF DATING RULES

For Everyone If you scored mostly a) Congratulations, you were obviously bought this book as a joke because you’re such a success story with the opposite sex. It’s lucky you even had time to fit reading it into your busy schedule of fixing your bedsprings and fielding endless dating questions from admiring friends.

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ARE YOU A GOOD DATER?

If you scored mostly b) Sure, you’ve probably been stung but haven’t we all? Take comfort that your next date has probably met bigger losers, and that you’re not the worst.

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THE LITTLE BOOK OF DATING RULES

If you scored mostly c) Perhaps you should consider putting your pride to one side and volunteer for some sort of make-over show. Failing that, there are still isolated religious communities where you can forget about the opposite sex altogether, or just remember, there are plenty more fish in the sea. You just need to learn how to fish.

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ISBN 1-905102-51-8, £2.99

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ISBN 1-905102-69-0, £2.99

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www.crombiejardine.com

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