The Little Book of
WEDDINGS Debbie Barham
SUMMERSDALE
THE LITTLE BOOK OF WEDDINGS Copyright © Summersdale Publishers...
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The Little Book of
WEDDINGS Debbie Barham
SUMMERSDALE
THE LITTLE BOOK OF WEDDINGS Copyright © Summersdale Publishers Ltd, 2003 Text by Debbie Barham. No part of this book may be reproduced by any means, nor transmitted, nor translated into a machine language, without the written permission of the publisher. Summersdale Publishers Ltd 46 West Street Chichester West Sussex PO19 1RP UK www.summersdale.com Printed and bound in Great Britain. ISBN 184024 341 4
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INTRODUCTION Your wedding day is supposed to be the biggest day of your life. But it is all too easy to end up being a Blushing Bride for all the wrong reasons. ‘I do’ can often become ‘I ... d’oh!’ and your wedding video turn into a veritable horror film (not so much Four Weddings and a Funeral as So I Married an Axe Murderer or Apocalypse – Vow). Whatever the problem – be it an uncomfortably tight ring, or a rusty old organ failing to swell at the crucial moment – this book is your ultimate Marital Aid. Whether you are tying the knot on a shoestring, or splashing out on a ceremony to rival Posh and Becks’, this Little Book of Big Days will help to 3
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ensure that you get hitched without a hitch, from the first Rules of Engagement, to the complexities of Confettiquette. Regard this volume as being like your prospective Mother-in-Law, bursting with helpful advice for your wedding day, but unlike your Mother-in-Law, you can shut up this book whenever you wish. And if the worst comes to the worst, you can whip it out of your suit pocket and tear it up to use as emergency confetti. For nearlyweds everywhere, this book is your Best Manual – don’t leave Singledom without it … Now go ahead: and get knotted!
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THE PAGES The Bride should choose several pages to assist her on the big day. Especially helpful are pages in Hello! magazine, OK! magazine or NOW! who should assist her to the tune of at least £500,000.
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FREQUENTLY POPPED QUESTION
Q: What is the punishment for bigamy? A: Two mothers-in-law.
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THE WEDDING NIGHT Don’t forget the KY Jelly when you check into your honeymoon suite! Smearing a little on the outer knob (of the door, obviously) will prevent that nosy chambermaid from ‘accidentally’ walking in on your passionate moment of consummation, pretending she has just come to empty the wastepaper basket.
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THE RING Rings come in many shapes and sizes. If the Bride thinks her husband-to-be is likely to stray, the most suitable type of ring is probably one that can be worn through his nose and attached to a length of sturdy tethering rope.
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THE SEATING PLAN Try to avoid sitting quarrelsome or feuding people next to each other … unless they are the Bride and Groom, in which case it is probably unavoidable.
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DEFINED ROMANCE
TYING THE GRANNY-KNOT Form of marriage practised by Joan Collins’ husbands.
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THE TOAST The Best Man should toast the Happy Couple at the reception. In the event that the Happy Couple receive more than fifteen Dualit Thick-n-Thin 4-slice toasters as wedding presents, he may also wish to toast several rounds of Mighty White and perhaps a Pop Tart as well.
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MARITAL MYTH It is wrong to suggest that Hollywood marriages never last. Elizabeth Taylor has been married for 35 years – one year to hubby number one, four years to number two, one year to number three, five years to number four, ten years to number five …
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THROWING RICE The wedding party will often throw rice when the Newlyweds emerge from church on their Big Day. The Groom will often throw rice when he emerges from the Star of India Tandoori Emporium after fifteen pints and a rogan josh on his stag night.
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WEDDING ANNIVERSARY GIFTS Traditionally: 1 year – Paper
Realistically: 1 year – Cheesy announcement in the small ads of the local paper
2 years – Cotton
2 years – Forgotten
3 years – Leather
3 years – Ill-advised attempt to rekindle passion (and compensate for forgetting last year) by purchase of crotchless PVC panties and Avengers-style catsuit
4 years – Linen
4 years – Stain on bedclothes from annual sexual act
5 years – Wood
5 years – Viagra-induced stiffness
6 years – Iron
6 years – Huge pile of ironing
7 years – Wool
7 years – Itch
8 years – Bronze
8 years – Fake tan in futile bid to look younger
9 years – Pottery
9 years – Harry Potter book 14
THE LITTLE BOOK OF WEDDINGS Traditionally: 10 years – Tin
Realistically: 10 years – Can of beer in front of Grandstand
11 years – Steel
11 years – STD
12 years – Silk
12 years – Packet of Silk Cut
13 years – Lace
13 years – Liposuction
14 years – Ivory `
14 years – Adultery
15 years – Crystal
15 years – Counselling
20 years – China
20 years – Extra chins (plus optional ear and nostril hair)
25 years – Silver
25 years – Stannah Stairlift
30 years – Pearl
30 years – Permanent Deafness
40 years – Ruby
40 years – Colostomy
50 years – Gold
50 years – Old Folk’s Home
60 years – Diamond
60 years – Dementia
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DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A STAG NIGHT AND A HEN NIGHT On a Stag Night, the Groom gets pissed and the highlight is a girl jumping out of a cake. On a Hen Night, the Bride gets pissed and the highlight is a cake jumping out of a girl.
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MIND THE GAP! Signs that there is a big age difference between the Bride and Groom: 1. Honeymoon tickets are booked to take advantage of the ‘Children Fly Free!’ offer. 2. The Bride’s father has to give permission for her to stay off school for the ceremony. 3. The wedding photos are sold to Saga magazine and Just Seventeen. 4. The Bride’s parents are reassured: ‘Think of it not as losing a daughter, but as gaining a brother.’ 5. The Groom carries the Bride over the threshold – in a papoose. 17
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A LIFE SENTENCE Marriage is often described as a life sentence. This is highly inaccurate. Prisoners serving a life sentence can expect more screws, better food, and far more excitement in the showers.
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FREQUENTLY POPPED QUESTION
Q: Is it always necessary to have a Minister at the Wedding Ceremony? A: Definitely not. Marrying a politician is bound to end in tears.
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TRANSPORT OF DELIGHT During the service, the wedding car should remain parked outside the church and may be adorned with some tin cans and a sign saying ‘Just Married!’ It is advisable to check the parking regulations beforehand, otherwise the Happy Couple may emerge to find it also adorned by a large yellow metal contraption and a sign saying ‘Just Clamped!’
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FREQUENTLY POPPED QUESTION
Q: Is a waterbed a suitable place to consummate our marriage vows? A: No. Your wedding night will either end up being a big let-down, or you and your betrothed will simply drift apart.
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WHAT WEDDING GUESTS SAY (AND WHAT THEY REALLY MEAN) ‘Doesn’t the Bride look radiant?’ – Doesn’t the Bride look pregnant? ‘No, I’m certainly not a friend of the Groom!’ – Let me introduce myself: I’m the Bride’s mother. ‘She’s only marrying him for his money.’ – Let me introduce myself: I’m the Groom’s father. ‘She looks like a Princess!’ – She looks very skinny. Do you think she has an eating disorder? ‘Of course, they’re two of my dearest friends.’ – Of course, I’m only here for the free cake and champagne. 22
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‘It seems like only last week, she was this high.’ – I caught her on Friday night giving some guy a blowjob in the toilets of the Ferret and Firkin. ‘Ikea cutlery: what a lovely choice.’ – Ah, so you’re the one who beat me to the cheapest item on the wedding list. ‘She’ll make him so happy!’ – I’ve shagged her: she’s cracking in bed. ‘I do love a traditional wedding.’ – Unlike this one. Did they have to come down the aisle to The Prodigy’s ‘Smack My Bitch Up’? ‘It won’t last.’ – It won’t last.
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LEGAL MATTERS Your wedding is legally required to take place at a licensed venue. This should not, however, be the same licensed venue out of which the Groom was thrown at 1 a.m. the previous night, with his pants round his ankles and his tongue down the barmaid’s throat.
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CELEBRITY KNOT SPOT!
Liam Gallagher’s wedding album took five years to produce. And even then it was a shameless rip-off of the Beatles.
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WORLD WIDE WED Cyber-romance (on the Infatuation Superhighway) is all the rage with today’s well-connected singletons. Signs that a couple have met on the Internet: 1. The Vicar is referred to as ‘the Service Provider’. 2. When the Groom proposed, he asked the Bride’s father for her handheld in marriage. 3. The ceremony begins with: ‘We are gathered here in the website of www.god.com ...’ 4. The Groom complains because he can not download any customised ringtones for the church bells. 26
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5. The Bride and Groom spend half an hour outside the church trying to recognise each other from blurry JPEGs. 6. Instead of commenting on how much the Bride’s dress must have cost, guests comment on how much the Bride’s website address must have cost. 7. Everyone invited to the ceremony is requested to wear a h@. 8. The wedding list is registered at PC World and comprises more software than homewares. 9. The order of service includes the phrase: ‘You may now :-) the Bride.’ 10. When the Groom gives the Bride a round, shiny, silver item, it is a CD of Microsoft Office 2000.
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CELEBRITY KNOT SPOT!
Claudia Schiffer staged a football match before her marriage ceremony, thus ensuring that she achieved every Bride’s fantasy – a two-foot tackle from the Groom.
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BELLS Every wedding ceremony should begin with some Bells. If the Bride and Groom are especially nervous, they may also wish to partake of some Jack Daniels, some Jim Beam, and a nip or two of Glenmorangie as well. (The Groom should not, however, ask for the Famous Grouse: the Bride’s mother may take this as a personal insult.)
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DEFINED ROMANCE
CIVIL CEREMONY A wedding ceremony at which the Bride’s parents and the Groom’s parents are successfully kept on separate tables.
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SUIT HIRE Be sure to hire the suits for the Groom and Best Man well in advance. Failure to do so may mean that the only outfits left in the shop are a gorilla suit, a spacesuit, or – worst of all! – that purple velour suit that David Beckham wore when he married Posh Spice.
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CAR HIRE Many couples like to hire a vintage car to make their trip to the church really special. If your budget will not stretch to a lovingly restored, 1920s-style convertible, your friendly local minicab company (usually called something like AAAAAAAARGH! Limousines) should be able to send round a clapped-out old Granada dating all the way back to the 1980s, with a lovingly restored figure on the mileometer, a genuine vintage tax disc and a lingering smell of ganja pervading the entire vehicle.
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DEFINED ROMANCE
RING-AND-BYE SALE Auction of unwanted toasters, towel bales, Waterford crystal decanters and His ‘n’ Hers quartz watches occurring shortly after the divorce papers are served. An ideal opportunity for the No-Longer-Happy Couple’s friends to reclaim the items they purchased from the wedding list, and take them back for a refund.
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TIP! Try not to marry the Best Man accidentally. Particularly not if his name is George Best.
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DEFINED ROMANCE
RING BEARER 1. Friend of the Groom who performs the allimportant task of safeguarding your wedding ring. 2. Friend of the Groom who performs the allimportant task of dropping his kecks and showing his arse to the Bride’s parents at the reception.
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DRESS CODE Phrase your invitations in language your guests will understand. If ‘Black Tie’ sounds too formal, just put ‘Vicars and Tarts’.
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DEFINED ROMANCE
BIGAMIST Man who marries one wife too many.
MONOGAMIST Man who merely thinks he has married one wife too many.
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THE BRIDAL SHOWER In some countries the Bridal Shower is a traditional, ritual display to celebrate the Betrothed. In Britain, it is more traditional for it to piss down with rain outside the church just as the Betrothed Couple emerges for the photos. On the positive side, if the guests are throwing rice at the time, then the resultant tapioca pudding makes a delicious low-calorie alternative to wedding cake.
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FAMILY HEIRLOOMS A Bride may choose to marry in the dress worn by her own mother or grandmother for sentimental reasons. An exception is if the bride is Joan Collins: in which case she may choose – for sentimental reasons – to marry in the dress worn by her own daughter or granddaughter. Or, come to think of it, great-great-granddaughter.
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CELEBRITY KNOT SPOT!
Anthea Turner attained the perfect figure for her wedding photos: somewhere in the region of £1 million, pre-tax.
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INAPPROPRIATE APPAREL The marriage ceremony signifies a deep and lasting bond between Bride and Groom. It is not, however, deemed appropriate to marry in bondage gear (a gimp suit does not come under the category of ‘Morning Dress’, and a horsewhip is only acceptable when marrying a member of the ParkerBowles family).
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GOVERNMENT ADVICE A booklet of helpful advice for couples preparing to tie the knot has recently been produced by Her Majesty’s Government. Its key points can be summarised in one sentence: if you want a long and happy marriage, DO NOT, under any circumstances, marry a member of Her Majesty’s Government. Or, indeed, Her Majesty’s family.
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MATERNAL ADVICE The Bride’s mother will no doubt have plenty of opinions about what her daughter should wear on the Big Day. If her favoured choice of apparel is white, tight-fitting, and boasting two extra-long sleeves which tie together at the back (as worn by inmates at Rampton Top Security Hospital), this is probably her subtle way of conveying that she does not approve of her future son-in-law and thinks her daughter is mad to marry him.
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THE BRIDE’S FATHER Obtaining permission from the Bride’s father may require some degree of haggling. Especially if the Groom wants his daughter’s hand in marriage, whereas her father is only prepared to give him two fingers.
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STAR-CROSSED LOVERS A superstitious Bride can tell a lot about her future husband by his sign of the zodiac. What does your fiancé’s birthdate predict about your future marital bliss? ARIES – Will do something obscene with an inflatable ‘Love-Ewe’ sheep on the Stag Night. CANCER – Will give you crabs on the honeymoon. LIBRA – Will lose his balance on the dancefloor and fall into the wedding cake. CAPRICORN – Will get the horn in church and have to rely on strategic placement of the Good Book to avoid scaring the Bride’s mother. TAURUS – Vows will turn out to be a load of bull. 45
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LEO – Will turn out to have been lyin’ all along (see above). SCORPIO – Will have a small prick. AQUARIUS – Will leave a large wet patch on the Marital Bed. GEMINI – Will try to cop off with the Chief Bridesmaid and her twin sister. VIRGO – ’Nuff said. So painfully inexperienced in the Art of Love, he may even attempt foreplay. SAGITTARIUS – Will solemnly make his wedding vows … then bonk a hooker, go to prison, be thrown out of the Tory Party, and write a book about it. PISCES – Will get too pisce’d on champagne to consummate the marriage until at least 48 hours later. 46
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DEFINED ROMANCE
RECEPTION 1. Class of children under five years old. 2. Celebratory gathering after a wedding ceremony, at which guests inevitably behave like a class of children under five years old.
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THE DREAM PROPOSAL Many men fantasise about a dream marriage proposal. Specifically one which – like all the best dreams – occurs in a delirious state under the bedclothes, but can be completely forgotten about the morning after.
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BEWARE ULTERIOR MOTIVES! Cynical and unscrupulous individuals may use marriage as a devious way to obtain work in the UK. Exercise caution, especially if your betrothed is: a) A foreign national, e.g., that bloke out of Green Card b) A manager of a Virgin Brides shop hoping to win the Employee of the Month award c) A florist d) A jeweller e) A divorce counsellor 49
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DOG YEARS? Ancient Proverb: ‘Man who marry a bitch get seven-year itch after twelve months.’
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DEFINED ROMANCE
BIGAMY The only crime where there are always at least two witnesses.
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TYING THE KNOT ON A SHOESTRING Top Tip for the Best Man on a budget – a simple Christmas cracker contains everything you need for the perfect wedding ceremony: a ring (plastic), a hat (colourful), a practical gift (perhaps a mini sewing kit or screwdriver set), a crap joke (for your Best Man speech), and an item of useful homespun wisdom (such as ‘Marry in Haste, Repent at Leisure’). Snowballs are also a cost-efficient alternative to confetti. Persuade the Bride and Groom to marry on 25 December by pointing out how much easier they’ll find it to remember their Wedding Anniversary. 52
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DEFINED ROMANCE
STAGROPHOBIA The pathological fear of arriving at the church, only to discover that the Groom’s ‘mates’ have left him tied to a lamp-post in Bangor with his genitals painted luminous green and a traffic cone on his head.
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HEAVY PETTING Even Fido and Tiddles can enjoy the Big Day (assuming ‘Fido’ and ‘Tiddles’ are the Happy Couple’s domestic pets, rather than simply the Happy Couple’s nauseating pet names for each other). What could be cuter than walking down the aisle with your pooch togged out in his own little wedding outfit? However, do check with the vicar before you arrive: more traditional members of the clergy may raise objections to doggy fashion in church.
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CELEBRITY KNOT SPOT!
Michael Jackson was Best Man at Uri Geller’s wedding. The poor vicar was terribly confused: two virgins at the altar, both all in white …
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BALANCING THE BOOKS Can’t afford a honeymoon abroad and a professional wedding photographer? Not a problem: just squeeze all the guests into the passport booth before you leave. Three pounds for four photos should cover everything you need: Bride’s passport, Groom’s passport, blurry shot of several dozen drunken relatives, and one embarrassing picture of the Best Man surreptitiously trying to grope an underage bridesmaid.
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CELEBRITY KNOT SPOT!
When Madonna got married, her wedding went straight to video and received thumbsdown reviews from all the critics, who suggested she stick to singles in future.
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OLD-AGE NEWLYWEDS When the Groom is of an advanced age, the old maxim about ‘something old, something new, something borrowed and something blue’ holds even more true. In this instance, though, the ‘something blue’ should always comprise a large bottle of Viagra pills.
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VIDEO NASTY Brides: do not rely on your betrothed to sort out the wedding video. There is every chance that he will simply assume you mean setting the VCR to tape Grandstand so that he can watch it in bed on your Wedding Night.
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FREQUENTLY POPPED QUESTION
Q: Is it legal for gay men to marry people in this country? A: Certainly! A lot of gay men are vicars nowadays.
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COAT OF ARMS Why not seal your Blessed Union by designing your very own coat of arms or monogrammed stationery featuring your two initials intertwined? David and Victoria Beckham did just that ... and no doubt their guests were enchanted to see VD all over the napkins and tableware.
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OLD NEW-WIVES’ TALE Do not accessorise six-inch heels with a six-yard train or you may prove true the old maxim: Bride Comes Before A Fall.
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FREQUENTLY POPPED QUESTION
Q: Why is a wedding licence cheaper than a TV licence? A: With a TV licence you get sex and violence. With a wedding licence, you rarely get sex.
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I ... D’OH! Grooms: do not automatically say ‘I do!’ to every question you are asked on the Big Day. Especially not if the question is: ‘Darling, do you think this wedding dress makes my arse look like a blancmange?’
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DEFINED ROMANCE
MOONIE 1. Member of a religious order, renowned for their participation in mass wedding ceremonies. 2. Gesture made by that friend of the Groom who dropped his kecks in front of the Bride’s parents.
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BAD OMEN The letters M-A-R-R-I-A-G-E can be rearranged to make A GRIM ERA.
BAD OMEN II HOLY MATRIMONY is an anagram of MYTH – OR ALIMONY.
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FREQUENTLY POPPED QUESTION
Q: Help! My fiancée wants to wear a white skirt for the Wedding – does this mean she’s going to be on the jammy rags throughout our honeymoon period? A: No – you have obviously been watching too many tampon commercials. Sometimes women wear white clothing even when they are not going through their ‘time of the month’ (but nevertheless taking everything in their stride). If your wife is moody, depressed and bloated on the honeymoon, it is probably due less to menstruation and more to a condition known as ‘marriage’.
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THE ANNOUNCEMENT Weddings are normally announced in the small ads of the local paper (unless you are marrying a celebrity, in which case they are announced on the front page, along with 1,000 words of speculation that the Bride is up the duff). Ensure that your announcement goes in the correct column: you do not want the world to hear about your Blessed Union in between ads for ‘Man with van: no job too small!’ and ‘Complete set of Big Jugs Monthly magazines (1972–1986). Vgc. Only slightly soiled. First to see will buy!’ Nor should you describe your betrothed as ‘GROOM FOR RENT: London W11 area. Semi-detached, nice rear view, suit clean, single, professional female. Currently vacant – available until end July £200/wk’. 68
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FACT! One in three weddings end in divorce. The other two end in DIY superstores, during arguments about what shade of Dusky Magnolia to paint the downstairs loo.
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DEFINED ROMANCE
WEDDING LIST 1. Selection of items which the Bride and Groom would like to receive as presents. 2. Angle at which the Bride and Groom are standing after several glasses of champagne.
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TOP FIVE WEDDING VIDEO HORROR FILMS Bridal Train-spotting Schindler’s Wedding List Loss-of-Independence Day A Bride Too Far Can’t-Afford of the Rings Married To The Slob The Bride of Chucky (starring Camilla Parker-Bowles) 71
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CELEBRITY KNOT SPOT!
Callista Flockhart is soon to announce her engagement to actor Harrison Ford. Friends of the Ally McBeal star say they are definitely expecting him to slip a wedding ring around her waist later this year.
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CATERING TIP Ordering drinks on a ‘sale or return’ basis is a good idea. Sadly however, this does not mean that you can get your money back if the Bride throws up all her Bucks Fizz into the font.
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FREQUENTLY POPPED QUESTION
Q: How does a wedding ceremony in Scotland differ from a wedding ceremony in England? A: In Scotland, you can just say ‘Aye’ instead of ‘I do’. And you need to order twice as much booze for the reception.
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RELATIVE INDIFFERENCES Even if you do not get on with your spouse’s relatives, try not to ruin the occasion by letting them know how you feel. Reassure your spouse that you are one big, happy family: ‘In fact, darling, I can honestly say that I like your motherin-law even more than I like mine!’
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FREQUENTLY POPPED QUESTION
Q: Where is the cheapest place to hire a big tent for my wedding reception? A: Try Greenwich. Ask for ‘The Dome’, and you can be guaranteed an exclusive private ceremony without a single soul for miles around.
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THE CHANGE OF NAME After getting hitched, it is customary for the Bride to change her name. Thereafter she should be referred to simply as ‘Thingummy’s wife’.
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ALTERNATIVE WORDING Couples from non-Anglican religions will probably wish to change the traditional wording of the wedding ceremony. For instance: Occultist: ‘You may now curse the Bride’ Jehovah’s Witness: ‘We are gathered here on the doorstep of the House of God ...’ Member of Silent Trappist Order: ‘...’
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FREQUENTLY POPPED QUESTION
Q: Why is marriage also known as ‘wedlock’? A: Because as soon as it is mentioned, most men will immediately make a bolt for the door.
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SUIT OF AMOUR The Groom will probably wish to hire his wedding apparel from a reputable firm such as Moss Bros. Especially when he finds out, half an hour before he is due in Church, that his first wife exacted bitter revenge on him by chopping the crotch out of his only decent suit with a pair of pinking shears.
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CELEBRITY KNOT SPOT!
When Paul McCartney married Heather Mills, he spent the entire night beforehand worrying that his Bride would get cold foot.
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THE BEST POLICY Many insurance firms now offer a Wedding Insurance package to guard against unexpected disasters on your Big Day. To cover all eventualities, take out the fully comprehensive policy: Hen Party, Fire (old flame turning up in church), and Theft (bridesmaid stealing your fiancé). If your Betrothed is at risk of throwing up during the reception, you may also wish to consider Spouse Contents Insurance. The cost of wedding cover varies in a similar way to motor insurance. If the Groom is a clapped-out old banger or a 1980s Escort leaking noxious gas from his exhaust, he will be much cheaper to 82
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insure than a new Italian model with gleaming bodywork. Similarly, you can also restrict the cost of your premium by keeping the Groom locked inside at night or fitting him with an immobilisation device, such as a TV remote control.
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FREQUENTLY POPPED QUESTION
Q: Can I spend my Wedding Reception in a club? A: Of course! In many cases, this will be the Pudding Club, or, if you are marrying one of the Rolling Stones, the Darby and Joan Club.
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FACT! September is by far the most popular month for marriages in the UK. This is probably so that Rod Stewart, Mick Jagger and Joan Collins do not have to write a note excusing their bethrothed from school because they are getting hitched.
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CELEBRITY KNOT SPOT!
Britain’s most violent prisoner, Charles Bronson, got married in jail. It was a traditional ceremony: the Groom stabbed the cake and Ronnie Biggs held up the Bride’s train.
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DUTCH COURAGE Get your girlfriend drunk before you pop the question. If she is legless, it is physically impossible for her to get cold feet.
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FREQUENTLY POPPED QUESTION
Q: Why do Brides wear white? A: White signifies purity, virginity and innocence. The obvious choice. Q: In that case, why does the Groom wear black? A: See above.
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ROSE-TINTED SPECTACLES? It is easy to be convinced that you are marrying Mr or Miss Right. It is only after the wedding that you discover their first name is Always.
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CELEBRITY KNOT SPOT!
Proceeds from the sale of Catherine Zeta Jones’ wedding photographs were donated to Help the Aged. All the money was paid into her husband’s bank account.
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MEMENTO MATRIMONY Try to keep something to remember your Big Day by. In years to come, it will bring you immense pleasure – being able to get all huffy once every twelve months because your Spouse has forgotten your Wedding Anniversary again.
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CELEBRITY KNOT SPOT!
At Lisa Marie Presley’s wedding, 486 fat Father of the Bride lookalikes in bad wigs turned up to give her away.
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GREEK WEDDINGS There is an old Greek tradition of hurling plates onto the floor at the wedding. Most British couples tend to save this ritual for the divorce.
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GREEK SUPERMODEL WEDDINGS At Greek supermodel weddings, it is traditional just to throw the contents of the plates onto the floor. After consuming them.
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WEDDING MUSIC Remember to be specific when selecting your Wedding Music. You do not want to end up like the couple who, wanting Bryan Adams’ Everything I Do (I Do It For You), requested ‘that Robin Hood song’ and subsequently had to gallop down the aisle to the rousing strains of ‘Robin Hood, Robin Hood, riding through the glen! Robin Hood, Robin Hood, with his merry men!’
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UNWANTED GIFTS When you tie the knot, you will inevitably end up with one or two useless things that you did not want. These are called your In-Laws. (Regrettably, you cannot take them back to John Lewis and exchange them for a Moulinex Rotisserie Set.)
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OLD WIVES’ TALE If you catch the flowers at a wedding, it is likely someone will shout out: ‘Lucky girl! You’ll be next!’ Fortunately, the same thing rarely happens at funerals.
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CELEBRITY KNOT SPOT!
Carol Vorderman’s first marriage ended in an acrimonious break-up. Any man now considering a proposal to Ms Vorderman is strongly advised to ask, ‘Can I have a vow please, Carol?’
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THE WEDDING BANNS An old tradition dictates that the Wedding Banns be posted on the church door prior to the ceremony. Here are some sample Wedding Banns: No Flash Photography No Pissed Uncles No Bonking the Bridesmaids No Trying to Dance if You Are Over 45 No Commenting That It’ll Never Last Following a particularly successful Stag Night, the Groom may also find himself banned from most of the local bars and hostelries. 99
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PRE-WEDDING TIP Most Brides like to lose at least one unsightly stone before their wedding. Except for Jerry Hall, who did not do so until several years later when the decree nisi came through.
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JEWISH HUSBANDS Jewish husbands are notoriously careful with their finances. Woody Allen, for instance, saved money at his wedding by having his bride’s christening ceremony on the same day. He also married his daughter, thus avoiding the problem of having to ask permission from the Bride’s father for her hand in marriage.
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CELEBRITY KNOT SPOT!
Steffi Graf and Andre Agassi became the tennisworld’s first celebrity marriage. Fellow sportsmen reckon it is unlikely to last, because Love means nothing to them.
MAIL-ORDER HUSBANDS When purchasing a mail-order husband, ensure that you order the De Luxe version with Full Parts and Erection included.
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IT’LL NEVER LAST Signs that your wedding is doomed to failure: 1. Items on the Wedding List include ‘a good lawyer’. 2. The Bride responds to the question ‘Do you take this man …’ by hesitating and asking, ‘Er, can I go fifty-fifty or phone a friend?’ 3. The wedding ring still has the price tag attached, in case of a refund being required. 4. The wedding video has to be X-rated for excessive use of bad language. 5. The wedding photos are sold exclusively to Divorce magazine. 6. The Groom is Billy Bob Thornton. 103
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CELEBRITY KNOT SPOT!
You can estimate the real age of an oak tree by counting the number of rings. This method can also be used to estimate the real age of Liz Taylor.
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WHAT NOT TO WEAR ON YOUR BIG DAY 1. An ‘I’m With Stupid’ T-shirt. 2. A ring from your previous marriage (especially if you are not yet divorced). 3. Big plastic comedy breasts, unless you are Page Three stunner Jordan. Or Gazza. 4. Hand-me-down wedding clothes from Posh Spice and David Beckham. 5. Green paint, comedy Y-fronts, some silly string and a traffic cone, unless arriving straight from your Stag Night. 6. A blue rosette denoting your membership of the Conservative Party. 105
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FREQUENTLY POPPED QUESTION
Q: Where can I get a nice gold ring for my girlfriend? A: Any good part-exchange shop should do you a swap. Unless your girlfriend is exceptionally ugly, in which case you might only be able to get a toaster or a black-and-white TV set for her.
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GAY WEDDINGS Gay weddings are now legally recognised in the UK. A gay wedding is identical to the conventional ceremony, except that only half the congregation is kneeling and the organist plays something by Kylie Minogue.
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FACT! In some countries, the Bride’s father is obliged to give a number of camels in addition to his daughter’s hand in marriage. Fortunately this is not the custom in Britain, because in Camilla Parker-Bowles’ case it would constitute a Spot The Difference contest.
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DEFINED ROMANCE
PAGE RAGE Nasty affliction suffered by small boys who have been forcibly wrangled into smart suits and informed that they are not allowed to play with their Gameboys in church or shout ‘Uuurgh, look – he’s got his tongue in her mouth!’ during the Kiss.
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YOU DON’T HAVE TO BE MARRIED TO WORK HERE – BUT IT HELPS Six career options exclusively available to the newlywed: 1. Bigamist 2. Adulterer 3. Divorcee 4. Wife-beater 5. House husband 6. Contestant on revamped version of Mister and Mrs 110
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THE LIMO A wedding limousine can be easily identified by the sign on the back reading ‘Just Married!’ Unless the wedding was a real rush job, in which case it can be identified by the sign on the back saying ‘Baby On Board’.
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FREQUENTLY POPPED QUESTION
Q: Is it obligatory to provide wedding guests with a free bar? A: Only if you are Anthea Turner, and your wedding is sponsored by a multinational confectionery company. In which case the bar should be a Cadbury’s Flake, a Fudge or a Curly-Wurly.
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FAIRYTALE WEDDINGS Many couples describe their nuptials as a ‘Fairytale Wedding’. This usually means that the Groom is telling fairytales: ‘I promise to love, honour, and obey ...’
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CELEBRITY KNOT SPOT!
In 1999, media mogul Rupert Murdoch married his third wife who was 36 years his junior. Guests watched the ceremony on Pay-PerVow, and the couple subsequently produced a little Sun.
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BUDGET BETROTHAL An intensive mudpack treatment is the ideal way for a Bride to detox and tone her skin before the big day. It is also substantially cheaper than a veil.
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FREQUENTLY POPPED QUESTION
Q: What can I do to avoid unexpected holdups on the Wedding Day? A: Ask the Best Man to make sure the Groom takes his fishnet stocking off after the Stag Night.
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FACT! If it is true that one in three weddings end in divorce, why not persuade your best friends to get engaged to highly unsuitable partners, thereby lessening the probability of your own union going tits-up? Encouraging two of your female acquaintances to marry the same man will almost double your chances of a long-lasting marriage!
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CARRYING THE BRIDE A courteous Groom should carry his Bride over the threshold. Particularly if the champagne has carried the Bride over her alcohol threshold, and she is unable to stand up.
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THE TRAIN The Bride’s train was traditionally held up by pageboys. These days, it is also socially acceptable for the Bride’s train to be held up by leaves on the line or RMT union industrial action.
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THE VIDEO Good quality wedding videos can be expensive. Save money by having a ‘Shotgun Wedding’ in your local high street bank, then shoving a sawn-off up the nose of the cashier, robbing the till, and setting your video to tape next month’s CrimeWatch Photocall. A long honeymoon (perhaps in Rio, under assumed names) will also give you plenty of time to spend your ill-gotten gains.
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VOWS OF OBEDIENCE In this enlightened era, the Bride need not promise to obey her husband until death do us part. The Groom, however, should always obey the Bride, unless he wants a knee in the knackers.
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OLD WIVES’ TALE Marital lore dictates that the person who catches the Bride’s bouquet will be the next one walking down the aisle. Joan Collins has caught her own bouquet five times now.
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CELEBRITY KNOT SPOT!
Chris Evans and Billie Piper had their wedding in Las Vegas so that they could marry in secret with just six people watching. Begging the question: why didn’t they just do it live on The Big Breakfast? Asked whether she had a bit of a gamble whilst in Vegas, Billie nodded, ‘Yes, I married Chris Evans.’
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THE RING The Groom should plight his troth by giving the Bride a ring when he proposes. If she is already engaged, he may resort to sending her a TXT MSG: ‘WL U mRy ME? Y/N’.
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WHITE WEDDINGS Most Brides opt for something long, white and extravagantly detailed when they get married. This is known as the Pre-Nuptial Contract.
THE CAKE A large, nutty, alcohol-soaked fruitcake is a feature of most weddings. This is normally the Bride’s mother.
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CELEBRITY KNOT SPOT!
Joan Collins’ most recent wedding was a very exclusive ceremony: just a few hundred of her closest husbands. Asked about the age difference between herself and new partner Percy Gibson, Joan replied: ‘Well, he’s 32 years younger than my legs, 20 years younger than my breasts, 5 years younger than my cheekbones, 3 years younger than my nose ...’
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INDECENT PROPOSALS In the twenty-first century it is no longer frowned upon to have sex before marriage. But do leave at least five minutes before the ceremony starts so that the Groom can do up his flies and the Bride find her pants.
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COLD FEET It is very bad manners for a Groom to stand up his Bride at the altar. Unless she has wobbled over as a result of too many Tequila Slammers on the Hen Night, in which case it is very good manners for him to stand her up, or at least prop her against a convenient pillar.
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