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Crombie Jardine PUBLISHING LIMITED Office 2 3 Edgar Buildings George Street Bath BA1 2FJ www.crombiejardine.com This edition was first published by Crombie Jardine Publishing Limited in 2007 Copyright © Derek Thompson and David French, 2007 All rights are reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise, without the prior written permission of the publisher.
ISBN 978-1-906051-00-6 Written by Derek Thompson and David French Typesetting and cover design by Ben Ottridge Printed by William Clowes, Beccles, Suffolk
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Contents Introduction .........................5 Aphorisms .............................9 Questions ........................... 58 Instructions and Precepts .. 73 Wisdom of Life ................ 102
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THE LITTLE BOOK OF CYNICS
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INTRODUCTION Cynics are as old as Man himself. Ancient sources tell of Adam who, when seeing Eve for the first time, muttered, “Uh-oh. There goes Free Will.” If Adam was indeed the father of the human race – and, as such, the progenitor of cynicism – is it any surprise his children are just like him? 5
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In fact, it was Antisthenes, a follower of Socrates, who got the ball officially rolling. The original philosopher Cynic sought happiness through virtue, rejecting the obsessions of the time: pleasure, fame, fortune and power. Antisthenes, it’s said, once declared, “I would rather go mad than experience pleasure” – not someone you’d want on your list of wedding guests. 6
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INTRODUCTION
Nowadays, the word ‘cynic’ has been relegated to a synonym of ‘doubter ’, ‘pessimist’ or ‘sceptic’. But, given our modern preoccupations with pleasure, fame, fortune and power, maybe we need cynics more than ever. Perhaps theirs is that small, sane voice amid the roar of instant gratification, 24hour television, media manipulation and marketing. 7
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THE LITTLE BOOK OF CYNICS
Or perhaps we just wanted to sell a book. But, of course – we’re not that cynical. Are we?
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APHORISMS
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THE LITTLE BOOK OF CYNICS
He who laughs last will probably be laughed at next. A fool and his money are a joy to behold. 10
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APHORISMS
A thing of beauty is a marketing opportunity. Two heads are better than one, but it’s hard to find a hat that fits. 11
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When the pupil is ready the guru will rip him off. Never look a gift-horse in the mouth while it exhales. 12
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APHORISMS
In the kingdom of the bland the one-idea-ed man is king. The journey of a thousand miles begins on the wrong airplane. 13
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The fruit of success is rooted in the manure of publicity. Mosquito is deadly but flea’s a jolly good fellow. 14
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APHORISMS
A middle-aged man and his hair are soon parted. The early bird is probably hungry. The wages of sin are tax-free. 15
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THE LITTLE BOOK OF CYNICS
When one door closes another trap-door opens. A horse may be capable of great generosity, but an oyster will only ever be shellfish. 16
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APHORISMS
Happy is the man that findeth wisdom, for the cheap merchandise thereof contains the quality of gold.
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THE LITTLE BOOK OF CYNICS
Blessed are the meek, for they expect little and get little.
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APHORISMS
People who live in glass houses shouldn’t expect to be cool in summer and warm in winter. People who live in glass houses – do they have windows? 19
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Send a fool to market and he’ll sell himself. Not only is money the root of all evil, it’s a proven cause of smugness. 20
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APHORISMS
Life is short, art is long, and opera is interminable.
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THE LITTLE BOOK OF CYNICS
It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to submit his tax-returns honestly. 22
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APHORISMS
Not even faith can move EU Common Agricultural Policy food mountains.
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Judge a businessman by the companies he keeps bankrupting. One man’s meat is another man’s E.coli infection. 24
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APHORISMS
That which does not kill me only damages me irreparably. A friend in need is a burden. 25
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As soon as he is born man begins to die. For relief, man in his wisdom invented taxes. Appearances can be completely accurate. 26
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APHORISMS
As you sow, so shall you develop backache. Great leaders are borne. Factions speak louder than herds. 27
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Marriage – proof that prison doesn’t work.
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APHORISMS
Life is a series of ups and downs. Today, you’re in despair, but tomorrow you’ll be restored to misery again. 29
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It’s always darkest just before it goes pitch black. Don’t put all your eggs in one fertility clinic. 30
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APHORISMS
One man’s loss is another man’s pension shortfall. What some call safety in numbers accountants call cooking the books. 31
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A patient friend loveth at all times, but phoning at 3am is plain stupid.
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APHORISMS
There is a way that seemeth right unto a man, but a woman shall always find something wrong with it.
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Nothing is more stupid than striking a man – especially a man who strikes back.
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APHORISMS
Where there are prawns there are probably crackers.
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THE LITTLE BOOK OF CYNICS
Before Enlightenment, chop wood; after Enlightenment, install central heating.
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APHORISMS
Where two fat people are gathered a third shall find his path blocked. Children should be seen and not hoodies. 37
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THE LITTLE BOOK OF CYNICS
Man that is born of Jewish woman has but few years if he forgets her birthday. Behind every successful marriage is a mistress trying to get out. 38
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APHORISMS
Behind every Caesar is a Brutus. Cast thy nets upon the waters and thou shalt deplete fish stocks. 39
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All the world’s a stage and everyone thinks he’s the producer. He who lives by the sword shall probably die a cliché. 40
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APHORISMS
Better late than dead. Happy the bride who comes to her senses before the ceremony ends. 41
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THE LITTLE BOOK OF CYNICS
It’s always darkest just before dawn. But then it rains all day and your roof blows off. Then it gets dark again.
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APHORISMS
The way to a man’s heart attack is a full-fat diet. There’s no such thing as misogyny: there’s just oestrogen intolerance. 43
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THE LITTLE BOOK OF CYNICS
Rejection – it’s just life’s way of telling you you’re not wanted.
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APHORISMS
Swimming – not only a great way to keep fit but a wonderful opportunity to urinate in a public place. 45
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Walking – the perfect way to give your arse a rest. In life, there are the ‘cans’ and the ‘can’ts’. Most people are a bit of a can’t. 46
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APHORISMS
German philosophy is a Nietzsche market. Too many cooks spoil the TV schedule. 47
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THE LITTLE BOOK OF CYNICS
Many vans make light removal work. A rolling stone refuses to stop touring. 48
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APHORISMS
A splash in the pan is worth two damp patches on the floor. An apple a day keeps the doctor idle on a £250,000 a year salary. 49
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All good things must come to an end before 1am (according to the Environmental Health Authority).
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APHORISMS
Bovinism – the last refuge of the cow. Man cannot live by bread alone, especially if he’s gluten-intolerant. 51
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Celebrities – living proof that evolution can take a wrong turn.
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APHORISMS
Farming makes a man sensitive to the wondrous cycles of Nature. Plus, it beats starving. School holidays – the happiest days of your teachers’ lives. 53
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Out of the mouths of babes and sucklings comes green puke. To an English batsman there is no rest for the wicket. 54
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APHORISMS
It is better to give violent blows than to receive. Beauty is only as deep as your finances will afford cosmetic dermatology. 55
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A lie for a lie, a truth for a truth. A bimbo’s eyes are the glazed windows of her soul.
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APHORISMS
Better to have love and lust than never to have lust at all.
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THE LITTLE BOOK OF CYNICS
QUESTIONS
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QUESTIONS
Which sandwich came first – the chicken or the egg? Why do internationally famous clairvoyants need to advertise? 59
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Self-help groups – aren’t they a contradiction in terms?
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QUESTIONS
If Mithras is Roman, Jehovah is Jewish and Minerva is Greek, what exactly is the language of the Gods? 61
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When human beings were given Free Will did they have a choice in the matter? If meat is murder, aren’t vegetables manslaughter? 62
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QUESTIONS
Who needs Free Will when we have the government to decide for us?
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If a debit card takes money out of your account shouldn’t a credit card put money in?
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QUESTIONS
When they experiment on animals why don’t they try experimenting with compassion?
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If coffee is considered a cash crop why do farmers get the least cash from it?
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QUESTIONS
Why ban smokers from public places when you can have much more fun by banning them from breathing out? 67
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Why aren’t chips served in vegetarian restaurants? If the best things in life are free why are luxury goods so expensive? 68
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QUESTIONS
If no man is an island then what exactly is the Isle of Man? Why are there no new Chinese proverbs? 69
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How can there be a world-wide conspiracy if people already suspect? If dolphins are so intelligent how come they can’t ride a bicycle? 70
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QUESTIONS
What would happen if a vampire bit a werewolf and vice-versa? Why are cheap things cheerful? 71
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THE LITTLE BOOK OF CYNICS
If chocolate is better than sex why do the stains look more suspect? If time is a relative concept, does this explain all-day breakfasts? 72
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INSTRUCTIONS AND PRECEPTS
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Support international charities. For it is written – the begging-bowl of thy neighbour will look good in an art gallery. 74
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INSTRUCTIONS AND PRECEPTS
Do unto others while their backs are turned.
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Don’t tell me money doesn’t buy happiness. Give me some money and let me find out for myself. 76
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INSTRUCTIONS AND PRECEPTS
Politics – ask no questions and hear no spin. Don’t count your chickens until they’ve been vaccinated against Bird Flu. 77
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THE LITTLE BOOK OF CYNICS
Stop seizing the day. Let someone else have it for a change. Life is sweet: brush your teeth after every incarnation. 78
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INSTRUCTIONS AND PRECEPTS
Go green and save energy – stop mowing the lawn. Don’t cross your bridges till you know why there’s heavy traffic coming the other way. 79
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When you callously end affairs, don’t assume all the repercussions will remain one-sided: your lover’s partner will be scarred for life, too. 80
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INSTRUCTIONS AND PRECEPTS
If you enjoy an open marriage, don’t be afraid to go to extremes. Try dating single people, just for a change. 81
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Maybe you think the overweight don’t try hard enough, but every day in every way they’re getting butter and batter. 82
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INSTRUCTIONS AND PRECEPTS
Unclutter your life – just buy a really big house.
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Reduce your stress by learning to breathe slowly. Increase others’ stress by practising on the telephone.
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INSTRUCTIONS AND PRECEPTS
Learn to meditate by taking time to observe your thoughts – especially the ones in bikinis.
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Do everything in moderation: that includes doing everything in moderation.
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INSTRUCTIONS AND PRECEPTS
When next you’re dismayed by rain, consider that it falls on the righteous and sinful alike, but it also falls on women’s t-shirts. 87
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Keep a record of all the bad things you’ve ever done. Make up some more and add them. Sell it to a newspaper. Do bad things on the proceeds till they run out. Repeat. 88
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INSTRUCTIONS AND PRECEPTS
Strive for Excellence rather than Perfection – it’s worth more in Scrabble.
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Take a different route to work – it will ruin your stalker’s day.
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INSTRUCTIONS AND PRECEPTS
Challenges are wonderful opportunities to look at Life differently: try standing on one leg and squinting. 91
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If clouds really had silver linings they wouldn’t float. Did you hear about the prodigal cigarette manufacturer? He was led ashtray. 92
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INSTRUCTIONS AND PRECEPTS
Two men looked out of prison bars; The first saw mud and the second stars. The second stood on the head of the first; The first must have been concussed. 93
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Do you own a boat? Does it have a large stern and move around aimlessly? Are you confident it won’t go down? Then why not name it after your wife? 94
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INSTRUCTIONS AND PRECEPTS
Is there someone you love but you’re just no good at giving compliments? Why not say something hurtful instead? 95
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Only small people insist size doesn’t matter. Give Europeans 39 inches and they’ll take a metre. 96
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INSTRUCTIONS AND PRECEPTS
Incompatibility occurs when your spirit is willing but her flesh is repulsed. Carpenters – many are called but few are affordable. 97
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Always look both ways when you cross the road – up and down. Blessed are the poor for they are least likely to buy their way out of poverty. 98
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INSTRUCTIONS AND PRECEPTS
A trainee juggler and his skittles are soon parted. Empty vessels make the most television appearances. 99
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A bird may defecate on a snake but a snake would be hard pushed to respond in kind.
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Do a brand new thing and they’ll have to create a new crime to describe it.
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WISDOM OF LIFE
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WISDOM OF LIFE
Good manners cost nothing. Cable not so.
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At first I wept because I had no shoes. Then I met a man who had no feet; he didn’t have any shoes for me, either. 104
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WISDOM OF LIFE
‘Come to the edge,’ he said. ‘We are afraid,’ they said. But they came to the edge and he pushed them. And they sank like stones. 105
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History tells us that pigs played a special part in the lives of the Celts and were attributed with the power of prophecy. Also, they were quite nice to eat. 106
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WISDOM OF LIFE
Many a revolutionary thinker has turned the philosophical world on its head just to empty the coins from its pockets. 107
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Piggy-eyed, short, fat, bald man,tends to sweat profusely, 35, unemployed, still a virgin, seeks unbelievably dumb blonde. 108
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WISDOM OF LIFE
Soul-mate wanted. No DSS or pets. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the master calls a clumsy foot. 109
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Red sky at night – a building’s alight. Red sky at morning – it must have been highly flammable. Judge not, lest ye have a newspaper column. 110
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Dolphins murder fish. Moral: smiling makes everything acceptable.
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The man with a large shovel will always be welcome at the Elephant House. Pet a friendly dog or cat but never on the first date. 112
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WISDOM OF LIFE
Have goals for yourself. Then a football pitch. Pretty soon you’ll have your own team.
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Stretch your limits a little each day; we all need saggy limits.
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WISDOM OF LIFE
Know your limitations and let others know them too, by consistently failing.
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Try putting air freshener in your car and then shit in the boot. After that it’s a straight contest.
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WISDOM OF LIFE
Remember you always have options, including not remembering that.
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The planet spins through space at thousands of miles per hour. At that sort of speed, accidents are inevitable. 118
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WISDOM OF LIFE
Practise nonresistance but don’t be surprised if you routinely end up at the back of the queue.
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THE LITTLE BOOK OF CYNICS
Treat a bad relationship as a learning opportunity why not learn how to keep your partner faithful?
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WISDOM OF LIFE
Every dog has its day – it’s July 26th, National Dog Day.
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Necessity is the mother of invention but servitude is a bastard. Every day in every way I’m becoming less self-centred. 122
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Like father like son but with less money and more hair.
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ISBN 1-905102-76-3, £2.99
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ISBN 1-905102-65-8, £2.99
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ISBN 1-905102-59-3, £2.99
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ISBN 1-905102-75-5, £2.99
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www.crombiejardine.com
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