The Secret of Happy Children: Steve Biddulph's Best-selling Parents' Guide

Kfu# Lisa Gough %ffi€ Steve Biddulph's worldwide bestseller in a new edition full of humour, warmth, and practical he...

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Kfu#

Lisa Gough

%ffi€

Steve Biddulph's worldwide bestseller in a new edition full of humour, warmth, and practical help

Ph; (03)

9803 3908

f,ontents Txe sronv

BEHTND

vlll

Tlrs BooK

tx

Fonewono Seeds in the mind You hypnotise your chddren every single You may as well do it properly!

day.

26

What children really want

Itt

cheaper than video games, and healthier than ice-cream!

43

Curing by listening How to help children deal with an unkind world.

50

Kids and emotions What is really going on?

The assertive parent Firmness. Do it - now.

68

Family shape

83

Dad?Who's Dad?

97

Ages and stages Do you mean this is normal?

Energy and how to save Good news

-

111

it

your children need you healthy and happy.

'120

Appendix How you can help if you're a teacheq a grandparent, neighbour or friend.

a politician,

Rrreneruces

136

Funrrrn

137

tNFoRMATtoN

s #iffi

i

ii$iffiill

ffi

#. iffi *ffiffi

You hvpnotise Your children

every siriile day. i'ou "rn-ay as well do it ProPerlY!

I

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t,.

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It',s').'rlork,rl rriglrt.rrrtl I'nr sittrrrg rrr rrry.llitc wrtlr,r tt..rrlirl lrliccrr-yc.rr.olrl girl. Slrc wc:rrs rrr;rkt'-rr1r :rntl is tlrt.ssctl irr fushioulbler, olclcr-thln-hcrr-ycars clotlrcs, brrt

thc cflcct is only t
llrc

lr.rlt'clrrruh l.rtlrcr errtls :r Ir;rlt'Irr'.rrtctl urgrrrrrcttt witlr lris ,r'rlr', who gocs ofl'in l 'hufI" to lrtty srlttrc cigarcttes.'f'herc y'are ron. lrcvc:r trust I wolllall.'I'hey'll just use y'r"rp.'The seven-year-old l,',,ks trp s
'Vru're so selfish' 'You silly idiot, stop that: 'l)nurb' '(iivc it to me, stupid'

decision.

I

ask about her parents'likely reaction

almost spits out the answer.

'Oh, they'll say they told me

so.

-

when they find out. She

They always said I'd never

amount to nuthin'!'

Later, as I drive home, that one sentence stays in my mind. ,They always said I d never amount to nothing.' I've often heard parents talk to kids like that. 'Youie hopeless.' 'God, you're a nlrisance.' 'You'll be sorry,just you see.' 'You're as bad as your Uncle Merv' (who's in jail). 'You're just like yourAunrie Eve'(whot fond of a drink). 'You're crazy, do you hear?'

This is the kind of programming that many youngsters grow up with; it is passed on unthinkingly by stressed-out parents and continues as a kind of family curse down the generations. It's called selfjulflling prophecy because saylng it often enough makes ir come true. children, with their brilliant, perceptive ways, will usually live up to our expectations! These are extreme examples, which we'd all recognise at once as destructive. Most negative programrning, however, is much more subde. observe children playrng in a vacant block, climbing trees. 'You'll fall! 'watch out!You'll slip!' cries the vnice of their anxious mother from over the fence. a

*

The $ecret $f &asnv ch!*dr*n

kind of talk doesnt just make a child Gel bad momentarily. f 'rrt tlowns also have a hypnotic eftbct and act unconsciously, like ,r,'rls in the mind, seeds which will grow and shape the child's selfI lrrs

rn,rH(', cventually becoming part of their personality.

I low

do we hypnotise our children?

llyprrosis and suggestion have long been a source of fascination to 1','ople. They seem slightly mystical and unreal and yet are well ,rr r t'pted scientifically. Most people have witnessed them, perhaps as 1r.lt of a stage show, or for getting help to stop smoking, or on a rcl.rxution tape.

Wc are familiar with the key elements of hypnosis: the use of ..,,rnc device to distract the mind ('Vatch ze vatch'), the , ,'rnrnanding tone ('You are feeling sleepy!'), and the rhythmic, rt'pt'titious tone of the hypnotist's speech ('Hey!Wake up!').We also !.rr,,w about post-hypnotic suggestion, the ability to implant a ,,,rrrnrand which the unsuspecting person later carries out, often to lrrs or her dismay, at a given signal. It all makes for good theatre, but .rlro tbr excellent therapy in the hands of a qualified practitioner. What most people don't realise, though, is that hypnosis is an n,tryday event.Whenever we use certain patterns of speech, we reach rrrlo the unconscious minds of our children and program them, even tlrorrgh we have no such intention. 'l'he old concept that hypnosis required an altered state of mind, trilnce, has been abandoned.This was only one form of unconscious 'r l,',rrrring.The rather frightening truth is that the human mind can be

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I'r(rl',t.ulnn('tl irr ttor rrr.rl w.rkrrrg lilt' [rt'rreltlr tlrc uwlrrcrress ot'tlrc l,r'r\()n itrvrllvt'tl. Alrc;rtly in tltt' IJS, rrrurry salc:s arrcl advcrtisirrg pc()ple: .rr wcll irs lawycrs urc bcirrg traincd in the use of hypnotic methods ,-nrl't'tlrlccl in n
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A'77-

\ a foot hold' a?d\l

ixi'l;i'I{il

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I Voc$ Delvis, And luot rt carotid artery on

,

I, thr+ #ott AM, *h"' , a^buline i,l( Elo (

,iW;#fll,!;?i'^?rr1 care \r in "foiintensive t ionth'

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HvpNotlspp wITHour KNorvrNG IT was recognised as the worldt lirremost hypnotist. He was once cdled upon to treet a man who suffered extreme pain from cancer, was refusing to have hypnosis and was not-being helped by painkillerr. F.rikron sirnply stopped by his private ward and talked about the man's hobby of growing tomatoes. A carefirl listener could have detected *1s unustrel rhythm in Erikson's speech and, the stressing of odd phrases, like'deep down' (in the soil), growing'good and strong','easy' (to pick),'warm and loose'(in the glasshouse).Also, the obsewer could have noted that

'fhc late Dr Milton Erikson

ssc{eJ qf hoppy-.s&lldryq

i'i'ao rt(

dnd lhen

vou think

lu|q

,/

/

t

Erikson's face and posture changed very slighdy as he spoke those

key phrases. The man in question simply thought that it was a pleasant exchange. Until he died, however, five days later, as doctors knew he must, the man felt no firrther pain.

'You' messages A t'hild's mind is full of questions. Perhaps the greatest of these are tlrt'rluestions,''Who am I?','What kind of person arn I?',''Where do I lit in?'.These are the questions of self-definition, or identiry upon rvlrit'h we base our lives as adults, and from which we make all our L,'y clecisions. A child's mind is remarkably affected by statements rvlrir:h begin with the words,'Vou are'" Wlrether the message is 'You are so lazy' or'You're a great kid', tlrt'sc statements from the important'big'people will go deeply and lrr rrrly into the child's unconsciousness. I have heard so many adults, {)v('r(:()rne by a liG crisis, recalling what they were told as a child: 'l'rrr so useless, I know I atn'.

Ittt;tgirre how rliflbrerrtly your r.hiltlls

Itavc' tlte

lili. r,r ttrr' our firl.l'wi'g tr..ti"t* abour it'they rhenrs-,"-, ::l'

. I aur e goocl person. ' I can ger on well with most people. ' can usually figure things out. . I-I have a good brain.

. I'nl really creative. ' My body is healrhy and srong. . I like the way I look

... and so on!

t:u: ,o conrpricate thilss) i:L:|l1,:T::+il.:: artribudons cau these srarenlenrs crop up

'

"g"i, "ra

ffi'ffil#"f:3"ml"promorion?' 'But ho'" ;.,-- f,

il,:::J*il'lT ,Why

ra-st

husband

f:: do yo,r l*r;;;;, 'Tl'.tt ,iJ,"r;ffi iil.l '"

,g}i,; ;"rt IiG. '

whv did vou marrv

around like

him?,

thatl

These words * (,_^'ttot good enough,, just stupid, of rhe 1:'t. ilue. They ,." r..orl.d said ro i" ,r,rrirrutlTt,* "' age when they were unabl

;.,.ei.rffi;*,i;r"J;ffi:tr ;T#,Y,'il",i#;:'T*.il:rm:h#-:'x:,:.'JJ,:H: .h..k;;H,

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we are al on rhe u,_]^,,;fiJ,

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ffi;:Ifi?l!:;fifl#1ff:;fiij;{*

#f"lT:,',i,,ff;f*:+*{X "av' rvLr

*,,.r, *,,, "" i.," strtned!'clvcryotle 'ave

'Adults kn^r,, a--^-- .r , everything; they can even read are rhe ,n",l::-Y of a chitd. So *1.1,

r,. o. ,r,."lghrs p es,' G e,s,ff :f":,:;1".?,ilj

{

?&c, re€rsg e{ J"rpBpy shi{d"en

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so

,lrir'', l)('stcr.'l'lrt' t'lrrltl toltl 'Vrrr\-c ;rrr itlrot' nr;ry violcrrtly tlis:rgrcc ,,r tlrc orttsiclc, Irtrt irrsiclc cllt orrly suclly rrgrec.Vru'rc: thc aclrrlt, so yrru nr.rit be riglrt. 'Yrrrr' lrrc:ssages work at both the conscious and unconscious l.r'.'ls. lrr ury clinical work I've often asked children to describe tlr.'rrrsc:lvcs, and they will say things liks'I'm a bad kid','I'rn a ntils;lllcc.' { )thcrs, though, will show evidence of confusion - 'Adurn and It,rtl say they love me, but I don't think they do'. Consciously they lrc,rr tlre words, but unconsciously they hear/see/srnell a different lct'ling behind the words. It's all in the way we say it.Wb can choose to say to children,'I'm .rrgry with you and I want you to tidy up your toys NOW!' and lr.rvc no fears about lasting effects. If we say, 'Youlazy little brat, why rlon't you ever do what you're told?'and repeat this kind of rnessage whcnever conflict occurs, then the result will come as no surprise. Dont pretend to be happy or loving when you aren't Geling that way - it's confusing and can make children become evasive and in tirne quite disturbed.W'e can be honest about our feelings, without putting children down. They can handle 'I'rl really tired today', or 't{ight now I'm too angry'. . . especially if this rnatches what their senses are telling them.It helps them realise that you are human too, which has got to be a good thing.

At,r

l;rrge'l).'1'rrrs'rrrc.tirrg r.rr.e ;rrrtrrc.ssr.rr, r.rskctr if Pc.Pre w.rrlcl c:rll tlrrt trrt"y.u' trrcy rc're'lrcrcd hcari'g as clrildrcrr. I wr.t. thcr' on 'ler$salacs a whiteboard and this is what we carne rup with:

Yir, {ury.o(l^:y fif'd

;

nwsanc/ )ust ?' 8:'l too qounf, to undersTan

sul{ith d,^b a ?e* dirf'1 '

thr,,ghfflst inr,, nsi de'af"

'

il*uyt late t:'d/

noiey bu4' le^Pe'ed brainless worry crazY

{ulless a ,rnrnlul naking

.110,1,

^6lY

plain irnmaTut'e

j;'i,,! S,_Ifug

:offiJ'

sick

se*et *f hannv clrildren

\,:;*rf,_ent

'l,lrt,t.xurrrplcs r..tnrt. rn lrttle rrrsltt.s.rt lirst,:rs pcoplc's lll('lll()rl('s covorccl lrrltl thc rvt.r.c triggcrecl, [-rrrt lly thc enrl thc whitctroarcl was and rclease was rrr{)lD wlls alnrost in a statc of riot.The seuse of relief the words that vo y t:viclent in the large hall as people spoke aloud lr.rrl lturt them so long ago. destructive Vcry few people f.it th.ir parents had been deliberately were children way the was ,,r rrralicious - it was simply that this good!'Those r.rrccted.'Tell them theyre bad and that makes them just beginning to escape' wt'rc the Dark Ages of child-rearing: we're You Youn MIND REMEMBERS EVERYTHING THAT Evsn HApPEITIED To lnthe1950speoplewithepilepsyhadabadtimebecausethe man.called medications *. ** use had not been developed'A t-tn.fa found that an operation t"Ua Ut used to help the of a lnore severe cases. By making small cuts on the surface even halt the person's brain, he could somefimes reduce or ielectrical storms' which cause epileptic seizures' reld The interesting n"r, I I hope you r€ sitting down as Vou b: reasont't: ttris - is that patient were required, for safety .orrr.io.rr, ,rri th" operation-was done under only a local ;;;;;;; ih. ,,rrg.;" removed a small piece of skull' made th, .,rt, and then put back the piece and sewed up the skin' [t the disease! makes me shudder, too, but it was better than DurinE the operation, the patients experienced tomsshin$ u.ru ,.tro"ririrrg. A, the doctor, using a fine ptobe' delicately ,o,r.n.J-,tt. ,Jrf".. of the brain, the patient would suddenly theWind yexs trave vivid recollections - watching Cone with in the cinema earlier, complete with the smell of cheap perfume ; ;. U".t ir'* hairsryle of the pt"o" in front! When the would see doctor moved the probe to another spot' the person was wide awake before fri- ttit fourth birthday even though he with every same and sitting in the operating chair' It was the natient. thoush of course the memories were different' ^ Subsequeit ,o"",.h backed up this remarkable discovery: tft"t .u.rytt ing - every sight, sound' and spoken word- - is ,io*d forever it or,, brain, along *ith tht emotions we felt at il, ,i*r. It is often Jmru, ro remember but nonetheles it is of our brain there, having its effect' On the wrinkles surface our life is recorded in its entirety!

S_eedp

in lhe mlnd

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I

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rs. )z

Il,,rl

tlot's lltts lr,r1t1tt'rr? Wc lr.rvt' rltst ovt'tctl liorrr t('s(',lt( lr tlr.rt rl1, 1, .111' tw() l);rrts to yorrr lre;rrttrg: firstly, wltltt y
tg;|,, \

oo

_*.--+__r

(Jnconscious

hearing is another phenc )menon that you've certainly :ertainly experienced*. you' almost experi.r.,...l you,ve r,r^,,,-.^ L^^, u.."Lrl"r'cnon or a to someone meeting, meeting,listening someone-near listening near you. The trr. room ,""* *t, ;,j"1,.::T-:-: uu)J""'wrth with people talking perhaps perhaps music, too. ,oo. Sudde anj sraa.nlvn1y, fr.,from-l*rng " ^lig ot ta:sation clear across ani room, you hear sofleone room' someonc c.\/ the the s.\/ \r^rrr \rn rr* *^_-^:-:"""t)dLron nanle something ,r'", oil?i.r,a, that con .""131"'.'::,f,i'"::ii; "' 'h'.think, ,what o. cerns you. 'Aaargh!!'you rrri-_ about saytng ^L^, . rne?, are they

Late one night a semi*trailer runs out of contrcl, careers rkrwnhill and smashes through the front wall of a house. When rc$cuef,s ent€r the house ,h*y ,* amazed to find a young rnother sleepirg heavily, undisturbed by the crash. As they stand there, not knowrng what to do, a bablr begins to cry in the h'ack room.The urather instandy awakes.'Wha ... whatk going on?' The fiIter in her hearing sy$tem works on as she sleeps but is check'ing f-or only one thing - the baby - and only this sound is 'put through'to her awareness. I low does all of the above relate to children? Think of all the things that are said about children when they are supposedly not listening. 'Then remember their acute listening powers (a lolly wrapper at 50 rnetres!). We may well include the time when they are asleep for there is clear evidence that sounds and speech are taken in even as a person dreams and sleeps. Also, there is that obvious time when a child has not yet learned (or decided to let you know) that it can speak.A toddler, for months before it speaks much, can follow much of what is intended, if not every word. I am often arnazed by parents, who have been fighting bitterly for years or are desperately unhappy for some reason, telling me,'Of course, the kids know nothing about it'. Children, in fact, know almost everything about everything. They may oblige you by keeping it to themselves or only show it indirectly by bedwetting or

3& T&e sssqet sJ heppy qhjrd{ry S*sr{n

im *$*p

m!ffie{

'} $

tryrrg

t'

rrrrrnrcr trrcir sihrilrgs, lrtrt thcy krr.w. your- t'ltrlclr.r.rr, bc sr

'r'rris,

r<,<,,

i, ,

s., rl.y.rr r.rrk ub.rrt v.u rerllv wa't to say'

di,".,'l;il:, i;;IiH,wh;rt

And why not start to use this channel to boost them by saylng what you genuinery rike and appreciate ,"

earshor? This is especially

embarrassing to them.

,rr.fii lt

.rh.;;-di. ti"y.. r' *h." ;;;.t prrise is

ag.s,zstag",

lHttr"

I

Hnnthr(i

AND r{flAlrN(l

This story is told by one of my teachcrs,l)rVirginia Sacir, A child had just been operated on for tnruil removal end, hack in thc warcl, was failing to stop bleeding. Dr Satir joined the 66saerned staff in examining the still*open cuts in the child's throat. On an irnpulre, ehe asked, #trat yrs triptUma;lm'.ghe,lhe4lre at thc rime of tn" oprotiorr. 'Oh, we'd just finished a *uoat cancer operation on an old ladYj ''What were you talking about?' 'Oh, that last operation, and how she didn't have mu.h of a chance of living - there was too much damage.' Satir's mind worked fest, She saw the child undergoing the simple and routjne procedure, under general anaesthetic, whi1e. the staff talked about the previoqs p"ti.rrt, 'rrot mrrch chanc" oi lr*tg',

Dr

\

ri

'pretE1a.b5$;ffid$ejf

r#

She Quickly, she asked that the child be taken back to the theatre'

irrrrrir.t*j

tt. ,t"m* *h"t

to oy' 'Gee, this kid looks good and healthy, not like the old ladl we operated on before.'lThis kid has a nice healthy thmat."5hs'll be healed - a jitry and back pl"Vtng with her f.iendslt The bteeding *opp"d, the anaesth"*i" *or. off and thg child went home the next day.

Adding power to our message

t/.

'!ff

bo e

@

The seqnet pf happv sfuildrefl

o

Scientists have realised that a message goes much deeper into a it lrcrson's mind if it is accompanied by other signals that lsfuforce strch as touch, eye contact, or strength of voice. This is really quite simple. If a person says to you, 'You're a pest!', you will probably feel r;rther p.rt o,rt. If he says it with a frown and a loud voice, this will bc worse. If he says it very loudly, moves towards you whilst paking rrrenacing movements and appears somewhat out of control, then you have a problem. If he happens to be three times larger than you and 3 one of your family - on whom your well-being depends - you will probably remember the incident for the rest of your life.

$eeds in the

$ind 13

IVI()(lcnl (l;ty lnclt ;ut(l w()nrcrr (cs;rcr.i,rlly tlrrsc .l.Arr91r S:rx.rr ,lt'srt.rrt) tcrrrl to l)(.r()lnitt".ut,"r'l ,,,,r,,,1 tl;ry to tl:ry lrfi..Wc tl
-)* i;^f

si,l.*6 /'\rsY'

'

'

: (

llct.rrrsc of tlris, ottr t'lliltlt'crl rn:ry lrvc irr :t sittt:ttirttt wltcrc tl,ty r,r rl,ry nrcsriugcs lrrc firirly vllgtt( ltrttl itttlircct:'Now clott't clo tllltt, ,l,rrlrrrg, conrc rtlong','T'ltcrs't I goocl boy'. I|otlt pr.lsitive lrtcl rrr.H,,rtlvc nrcssirgcs are casual and not great in their inrpact. 'l'lrur, one clay, when life has really overloaded Mum or I)ad, tlrcrc r:outes a powerful outbu1sl,'You little brat, I wish you'd shut ulr , irccompanied with wild eyes, sudden, close proximity, ear,,lrlitrirrg volume and a sense sf quivering lack of control that is rlrrrtc unforgettable. The message is inescapable, although untrue: "l lris is what Mum or Dad really thirtks of me!'. 'l'he words that overwrought parents choose at these times can I't' rcrrrarkably strong:

,o

'l wish You'd never

been

bsln'

'You're a stupid, stuPid child.' 'You're killing me, do You hear?'

'I'd like to throtrle fQu!' ,

.

.. a choco(ate wrapyr it z 5o iietres.l

(

'.---------

l{

'-'/

Tkq oesqsr pf -hpppy s}rlldrel

2.

-/

It'.s

,,

'

not bad to get angry xt or around children. On the contrary'

t:hildren need to learn that one can be angry and discharge tension ;rnd be heard, in safery. Elizabeth Kubler Ross said that real anger lasts 20 seconds and is mostly noise. The problem comes when the positive messages ('You are great','We love you', ''We'11 look after you') are not equally strong or reliable. Often, although we feel these, we do not corrununicate them. Almost every child is dearly loved, but many children do not know this fact; many adults will go to their graves still believing that they were a nuisance and a disappointment to their parents. It is one of the most moving moments in family therapy to be able to clear away this misunderstanding between parent and child. At the times when a child's life goes shaky - when a new baby is bought home, tf a rnarriage breaks up, if failure occurs at school, or there is no work for a hopeful teenager - it is important to give positive messages' anchored with a hand on a shoulder and a clear look in the eye: whatever happens, you are special and important to us.'We know You're gteat' So far we've talked about the unconscious programlnirrgl of children to be unhanpy adults.There are lots of direct ways too!

$eeds in the mincl 15

Wlrcrr tlist:iplinirrg, don,t use put_clowns when sinrple dernand would do.

Set arr e xarnple! a

n[!lrP/a{

Don't even use put_downs in a frien dly way; say, pet-name as a

t

Never talk to other people about children's faults in their hearing.

MT

t

,Tii:lm V:o'" h"" / of

Don't take pride in patterns that are bound to

cause

6*/ ,h* i'i, o,'{lilfle

'+1" surc

O'(arll1

)qre as 6ad Qs yoqr fathe,

Don't compare!

Whw

sw"Ll

tke

-1$-.

I&e

qssr-et

${_ LLqppy

can'{

,1ou

?nd ho, \o'a'u6a rother ?

Don't use guilt to control children. These sorts of statements can be left out of your parenting repertoire for good.You and they will feel better for it.

chifdron Seeds im *he

rnind "i7

I Iow ttrr kids s.rrrctrlr('s y()r.r rrt't'tl t, r;rlk t'y.rrr-t.lrltlr.crr rrr rr tlirc.t.t lrrrcl p'w.rfirl w;ry, lo.kirrg right at therrr, lr'rrlirrg trrcrrr as y.u spcrrk; at t>tlrcr tirres thc best way is to be casual, i'cicrental, ,,, ti-,.t thcy takc

in infbrnration easily and naturally. It's anrazing how many opportunities occur to positively progralll your children.

In discipline situations:

/'t

,--.t

t) Ad

fi:.iii1ir;

lon

l.u'l

'["r.6

l:;:,:r[

**

::

uoq

!4*t'j{ *rVVa J1

/''rg}-7 \e/

i"r:::.T:^UJ:: "o r:

f"iunls ttl to n)"' ^Lu a //.n t^o"l /tv l5 1'^ , \4oU are

J;:iYi^u.

!!T;:f

WT'

naths.!)"' h"? ,i' ,!j"r!^" t;p ./ fhis

{ \--: /,* \ -/**\*J*--\"\-

! l)iil, it' _r-

1r*fJ^' Y;1, ,f(i.,,

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-rou" tdY i! 5::^r o a+'{;5M"9

.t-hou"

)'),t

yll \r

;;::;;!."?:'^:";::"

,Jw"

Just incidentally:

{v:;ril t';:"^';,,'f);/ -10|.

",^er$1

.

lo,n

6::.'i;[:;i: "::*liii'nr"l!

'fips include: dont use praise to steamroller over a child's doubts ,rr fears. Do listen to them. Don't gush. Choose your times, and rrrcan it.

$S

*ho'

!''r!!'L

When they are having a tough time:

',!r[

,'luu '' ,'

{:::^?"iilJ

I

6::i:i)i{:t-'"}[ ,ui;", 5snsiDt"."1sr

'

Ttuo sqcr"*r q-f fuq$?pgqfu{gdren

If its not true, dont pretend. Se*ds

im

the rn*rad S9

Tnn wAY YOU sAY lr' POSITIVE IOTOn-DING MAKES (;()MI'ET'ENT KIDS Itls rrot only praise or put*down,s that dcterntinc I chilcl'-s lcvel
As adults, we guide our behaviour and feelings by 'self-talk', "; the chatter that goes on inside our heads- ('Better not forget to get petrol','Oh hell, I forgot my purse, I must be getcing senile' etc.) Selftalk is learned directly from your parents and teachers.W'ith your own kids, it's a great chance to put in all sorts of usefirl data, which your child can internalise - an encouraglng part of themselves for life.

For example, we can say to a child,'Don't you dare get into any fights at school today!'or we can say'I want you to have a good time at school today and only play wi* ttre kids fou fike'. Why should such a small thins make a difference? Itt all in the way the human mind works. If someone offered you a rnillion dollars not to think of a blue monkey for two rninutes - you wouldnt be able to do it! (Try it now if you don'r believe us!) If a child is told 'Don't fall out of the tree', then they have to think two things:

'Don't' ,rrJ 'f"ll out of the tree'. Whai we think, *. n.rto**tically biting hard into a lernon, and nocice how you react just to the fantasy!) A child who is vividly imagining falling out of a tree probably wiUt nar bewer to use poriti.r. *"taingt'iook for a rehearse. (Imagine

good place to put your foot', There are dozens of chances each day

to get this rigft. Rather than say'Don't run out into the trtffic',itt ."ri.r and better to say 'Stay on the footpath close to me,

TO

do, and nor what

NOf

-

so that the child imagines what

to do. Give kids clear insffuctions as to the right way to do thinp. Kids dont always know how to be safe, so make your commands specific: 'Tracey, hold onto the side of the boat with both your hands'is much more useful than'Dont you dare fall out'or worse still'Ffow do you tlU feel if you aioooni',tn. ;h;;g; are Uut rhe differcnce

ffi

@

Positive wording helps your kids to think and act positively, and to feel capable in a wide r"rrg" of siruations. They will imagine success and talk thernselven,,lhtough no good outcomes,.Omrencouraging words will stay with them for life.

CraiO"tfe

'/

Co,f" fle'e Now

hoR KED.!

w l*)

T'LT, CIVE YOU CRAZY!

ll;tvc

y{}rr cvcr listc:lrr:d A r<':t of'rrre 'u';a'ect?

to

yoursclt^ talkirro, ro \r^rrr Li,.r,, ..-. r and jusr

trle ** ,r, ;; h;:[,?-i#cls'

scors c.median B'ry rcccnt concerr we heard

c"*oity"u"iloaned some of ... (you,ll have to i*"gi;;;;;;:

these

in

'Mum, can I go ,o. rfr" pi.*r.*,:nr.**r,.t,I giue 'can I have some br.*j th".rlJBr;;dll:ll bread you,, or.r**,, my boy!, o"i*-Jo,u ,r,.,*, as a ch'd'which

,,#H:T"'::"1'*'T.0.'. man ... i yon ao,,;i;:tr;tffirffilff orrq jue

oiy"*

so on. Itb nn

ar-r -, : i,;

wrnder so"ne

w'-1ir,;li;"*

;##il"li ; ffiffffii :i;'l;

people

; il i" be a fitde co'ftrsed,

firead ( l'l{ b,r"ad

':r u'l

Vou

'l

a

rorl lirrt witlr tlris kirrrl ol nr('ssltl{(' (()lnrrll tlritk rrrrtl flrst, rvlr:rt turr l t:lrilrl torrtltrrlt'rrllorrt lifb? lt t::rrr orrly grr t\v() w;rys: cithcr tlre worltl is rr crirzy arrel darrgcror-rs placc, or clsc, itls rro goocl listcrrirrg to Munr, she talks a loacl clf rubbish. Now there'.s rrolltttrll r'lrc rr,,rrks, try

tr"r

tlrr" start of'a well-adjusted life! (

)ne r.l;ry (truc coufession)

I told nry two-year-old son that the

p,rlice rrright be cross with him if he didn't wear his seatbelt. I was hot ancl tire
I regretted it. For

'Do tlrc

[.oiict'11111' h:n'c

ro.rd?'lt

rvrrs a

tlays after

I had qrrestions thick

and fast.

gurrr?"Arc tlrere arry policeman dowrr this urajt,r.lob of rchabilitation to get hinr beck to feelilrg cahn arrd corrrfortahlc about the rnen and wonten in blue. 'We dorr't always havc to explain everything to our kids, or errdlessly rersor) with therrr tiil w'e arc blue irr tlre face.'Because I say so'is a good errough reason sonre of the tinre"But there is nothing ever to be gairrecl [',y rrec.llcssly s('arillg thenr.'Whell your father gets home ...' 'You'll rrrake nre so sick l'll have to go away..."We'll put you inro a horne ...'are the kirrcl of nressages that harm and haunt even tough childrerr. We rre their rn:rirr s()lrrcc of informatiolr early on, and later our credibility is put to the test (since they have or will have other sollr('es to c()r)lpare r-rs with). ()rrr job is to give thenr a realistic, even slightJy rosy pichrre ,rf thc worlcl - rvhich they cul build on as they go, and so becr.rne harcly attrl sccure orr the inside. When they elrcountcr trickiness or dislrorrcsty l:ltcr in life, they will at least know that this isrr't conrpletcly thc w;ry ol thc world. that sonre people are trust'il
I

Why do parents put children down? was

in

a primary school recently where some paren$ had brought their toddlers to join

At this poirrt fur tire book,

r" a lively and *rr,-o11-tittt.^r.y";r*ua to purl out sonre t:,T-,y nrarhs equipment from a sherfrHis lr"r*rr.a mum told fiirn 'If you touch thar *,"

charrge.'I'here is plenty you can do to overcorne olcl programming whether your children are still little or everl if they are now adults. 'I'he first step is to begirr urrderstarrdirrg yourself, to know why put-downs becanre part of yolrr parenting in the first place. Alrnost every parellt uses unnecess:rry put-downs fron tirrre to tirne. There are three rnairr leasons lbr this.

l* i:y nrr'r;*;;;Jff;.":

'!arr'

iooln*;"i; ::: t."oh.r;;il;.*,"Ti::i-u fingers,ofit'No*

'ndersrand rn. &4, T&e eeqre&

spf

r"t-;;;; :;; -,ull 't ::'.turi1{ this kind of thing * when

yc'rr r:oulcl be feeling guilty about the way tltat you speak to your owu clillchcn. Pk:ase dout - it isnt too late to

&espyg{illdqeq Se*qds $n

the

er'lFsxd

*S

l.Vrtr rclrcilt wlrat was s:rirl to you!

*,.r.r,'(, (;rrrglrt ;rlrorrt l);rr(.ntinl{ ,,, ,, 1,,,.,1. llrrt yrrr tlttl lr;rvt. .rrc (l:1.,r('.tt cx:unplt. to work fi<>rrr _ y()ur ()wll p:rrcrrts. I'lrr surc y'r'vc fou'cr yourself- i' a heatccr .)o.re't ycili'g at y.trr kicls and the' thinking, ,Good grief, that,s *hrt ,rry parents tused to say to me and I haied it!'.'Those old tape *.ordirg, your 'automatic pilot,, however, and it t"t., pr.rl.. .f mind "." to stop yourself

and say something else. Some parents' of course, go to the other extreme. with painfur memories of the way.in which they were raised, they swear never to scold, hit or deprive their own chiliren.The danger'h.r. ,, that they may overdo it, and their children suffer froisnt easy, is it? ""r".k of .orrtrot. tt

just thought it was the right thing 3.b" to do! It was onc-e thought that was

li'rtrtrttt t;ut lrt' r'clc.rst'tl irt two w;rys:

I lly

.l

vrgorl)us jl( tl()n, srt,'lr :rs lrittirrg :r nritttr('ss, rkrittg sorrrr' vlg()r()us w
livcntually as a mum or dad, you must learn to care for yourself as rrrrrt'lr as for your children.You actually do more for your kids by ..1'crrtling some time each day on your own (health and relaxation) tlr,rrr by being totally devoted to serving them every second of the day. (More about this in Chapter 8.)

kids were basica,y bad, and theihing to do shame them into

to tell them how bad they were. This wouid

i,t4 l: llrrY

being better! Perhaps you were brought up in this way. As a parent you simply hadnt thought abour ,elf:ert."m or rhe ;;:;^;. i.lp"."t iar.., g"i' confidence. If so, I hope that what you reading has changed your 1re mind' Norv that you realise how put-downs damage children, I,m sure you'll be keen to stop using them.

3.You are'stressed out'

'When

money is short, or you are overworked, lonely or bored, are much more liiely to be destructive in what you say

:}e;Jr:"

The reasons for this are clear. When we are pressured in any way, we build up a body rension which needs discharging. It a-ually does feel good to lash out someone, ir, *ord, or actions. Our children often cop"t it because they are easier to get angry with than our s'orse, bosi landloJ, o, *ho_.u.r. irt i_f".r"", ," think it thlotlSn* I feel so t"rrr.tWho "amI really angtywith? The relief of lashing out is ,t o.t-hrr.a sinc. th"-.lilJir'ur..ry ,o behave even more baily a, r.r"ir, u"t at the time it feels like a release. "

,.r:?T:*:pens, *4

f,fuq ss-qqer

ir

is vitatly importanr thar you

qf hsppla sh!!dr*$*

find a safe way to

of the bad news. The rest of this book is about the easier way! It is possible to change, and many parents have told me that just hearing about these ideas at a meeting So, that's the end

how to do

it

or on the radio has helped them immediately. Already while you've been reading, your ideas have been changing.You'll find that, without even trying, your behaviour with your children will start to be easier and more positive.I promise! sq.edp

!* $hs ryrlsd

8.$

totr llr.tl l , lll)|( 'I nrrl.,t rn llr,' nlur(l\ ,rl ttrtlltotr ol ... ,1,1.r1' , rr 1,,' :,tttttttt, ,l lllr lll ()llt'tl,tt,l ,lrrr

'.l

1r.11r'111'

Whmt mhfitdrffiffi il,ffiffitty Wffimtr It's cheapg{ tha;l vide*r gams$. and healthien thair' i,G*ream I

l u

Wlry do kicls pl;ry up? Why do they always explore rvhere they '-l,,,ulclrt't? Wlry do they do thirrgs that they al:e lrot supposecl to liqlrt, telse, clisobey, ptovoke, rltgLle, trrake a rness, arrd getrerally seettr t() will)t to persccute Nlutrr aud L)ael? Wlry do sottte kicls aclr.rally seellr to eryoy gettirrg into trr:trble? 'l lris chlpter tells you rvhat is goilrg orr itrside'traughty'chilclren, ,rrrcl horv 'blcl' beltaviour is actually the result of' good (l rc.rlthy)fin"ccs going astley. Alier readirrg this chrpter, you'll bc able to see rltote scnsc irl .ltilclre rr',s rrrisbehaviclttr atrcl you'll also knorv holv to ptevent and rlivcrt it to haplticr alterttatives. Vrr.r dorr't bclieve rrre? I{eacl otr! (llrilclrerr play up firr otre reasoll ortly: thcy haste urtmet needs. 'lJnt rvhat rreeds,'you are tlrirrkirrg,'do ttly cliildrerr haver that are trrnrret? I f'eed tltertr, clotlre tlrent, buy therl toys, keep thetn wrlrllr arrd cleatt . . .' Well, there are soltte ertra rrcecls (luckily very cheap to provide) wlriclr go beyorrcl the 'basics'trretrtiorrecl.'l'hese ttlysteriotts needs are c""serrtial, rrot only to rnrtkc happy chilclren but to nlaitttain lifb itself' l)erhrps I can e riphitr best by tellirrg a story'.

qvft;1t (.l"lllc]ti qirl

Ee&f qV

\Fr"4sili d

d

llr

1945,

thc See.'rrrl Wrr:ltl Wrr crrdrd

[iuropc lay rrr ruirrs. Arnoll$ rhc lrr,,rry hunran problcrrrs to bc tackled was thnt of caring for rhc thousancls oiorphan* whosc parents had arr
been_killcd or permanenrly $eparated from them bi rhe war, The Swiss, who had managed to stay out of tt. *r, itr.te,

senr

their

ealth wbrkers out to begirr tackling

problems; one man, a doctor,

*r, g;;r, it. j.;

rr** ,iifrerl "i;;;;;.h*;

how to best care for the orphan babies. He travelled about Europe and visited many kinds of orphan-care situations, to see what was the *ori successful t^Vf e .1rl: saw many exiremes. In some places, I" "ot "r\merlcan held hospitals had been set up and the babies were in stainless steel cots, in hygienic wards, getrine their lnug tour-hourly feeds of special milk formrrt, fro* Jrispl,, uniformed nurses. 1r-m: other end of the scale, in remote mountain villases. a truck had rTlty pulled up, the driver had asked,,Can you-look after these babies?'and left half_a_dozen cryrng infanl in the care of the villagers. Here, surrounded by kids, dogs, goatg. in the arms of the village women, rhe babies took their lha-rr..* o' goats'milk and the communal stewpot, The Swiss docror had a ,i*pt. way of comparing rhe different forms of care. No ,..d ,; ai less measure coordination or look"*,* fo, ,milirrg-;;;-;;;r; ln those days of influenza and all statistics

Itr,-,1.,,trlr lt;ttl tltst'ovt'tt'tl sotttt'tltttlg, tlt;rt oltl Wtvt's lrrrtl kttowtl lirt' r l,rrtll tirrrr.. I lt'lrurl tltst'rtvt'tctl tltlrt ll:rlrit's ttt'ctl /r,l'r'lo ltvt'. Ilrt.rrrlirrts in tlrc ficltl lrospitll lratl cvcrythirrg [rtlt rtf]c'ctiort :ttttl .trrrrrrl.rtiorr.'l'[c ltabics irr tltc villagcs hecl nrorc hugs' bottnccs altcl tlrrrrgs t() scc thall they knew what to do with and,given reasotrable 1,,',r, ..lrc, wcre thriving ( )l t-.lurse, the doctor didn't use the word'love' (words like that nll,,('t scicntists) but he spelt it out clearly enough'What was rrrrlrortltl)t, he said, was:

. '.kin-to-skin

contact frequently, and from two or three special

1tt'ople;

. ,,,,rt.-.nt of a gentle but robust kind, such as carrying .rround, bouncing on a knee, and so on;

. .

('yc contact, smiling, and a colourful, lively environment; sounds such as singing, talking, goo-gooing, and so on'

*;rd;Jffi;:r, dyr.;;.ry;;;:ffi;il",.J;

-

the death rate.

.And what he discovered was rather a surprise ... As .,ptd"A.-r raged through Europe and many p.opl. *.r* dyins. the chrldren in the rough villages were thriving b.tt., th;; *' their cientifi cally-ca red-io, .o,rrrirrp*; lJt; ;;?pil;i' "' s

was an important discovery and the first time that it had been (and stated scientifically. Babies need human contact and affection these given not just to be fed,warmed and cleaned).If they are not

lt

human ingredients, they may easily die' So much for babies. But what about older children? Here is an interesting thing - it's a graph of my estimate of the amount of touching (that's right, physical touching) that people receive as their lives unfold. 3S The ess{sgeJ irapp-y shi}dgen

?vl$$,{hljdeetr r:ssj}Y-1ft,q!$ s?

\

Amowtf ot

drops when brezsf 'boltle

7h7s\cal

triathi^g

o,

.titdi,'6

,/

ends. !*

rcceived

u(("', normAI

li^',,1

| ,ltt t. ,trk...l .rrr ,rrrtlit.rr. t' .l ,tlr.ttt (,O .rtlrrlts f 1 t lpst' tllclt cy('\' lr,l tlr(.lt r,trst.tlrr"ir lr,rtt,ls tl-flrt'y liot lt'ss rrflt'ttiott tlr'rll tlrt'y '"votrltl lrl.,.t(} g,r.t irr rl;rily lifi'. lt wlrs ttttlttlilttotts -- crvcry lr:ttttl wcrtt ttll' o1'

ra$e

44

/rops when anotlrer chlld is born

with Altr.r .r rllirrrrtc tlrc pccping ttcgau ancl thc r()olll bcgan to rirrg that aclults I.rrrpilrtt.r-. lirorn this carcful scientific study, I conclude r r,',', I :rlli't'tiotr, t
irrto {'a^:17

to and even adnrired'

d, c

Lower

{[nit of norma{

fange"';

zo

years

of ag"

Re'rember, this is the average situation.-who knows what is the - perhaps a line straight icrorr.yo'may be wo'dering abour t'e dip at about two to thrJ._ y."r, of age.T'hat's w'e' c'ild nur'ber two (or thr"ee or four) usuarly comes a'cl afrection has to be shared * a rough tirne for "rorrg Little babies like to "r,.ryo.re! be iouched and cuclclled. S. do sr'all icleal

c'ildren,-:rlthoug' they are choosier about w'o

does the cuclclling"Ibenagers often get awkward about it, br,rt will aclr'it in trust that they like afrection as as arryone. A'cl, of course, by 'rucrr late teetrs they are pursuing specialised forltrs of affection with great errergy! SS The sser*t

m$ $"rappy c$rifdc.e$

ol

course he onlq does 1{ n l', - lL- J'{0, '1h, alfenl\on

bVhat ehif,dren r*allY

wrtnt

3|

A tlrrct. y.'.rr .rl,l

s,tys it out str.rrlilrt:.l.ook,t( nt(.'. Mosl rtclt Pt'o1rle' t.rkt' vt'ry little' Ple';rsrrrc irr tlrcir b;rrrk bal:rrrt-c rrrrless it t';rrr be displ;ryctl :r'cl s.rrrc,'e is tht:rcr to n'ticc" I .ftcrr havc a g.od chuckle to'yself with trre thought that most the adult world is rnade up of big three-year-olds ,unning about 'f shouting,'Look at me, Daddy',,Watch me, you guys'. Not me, of course - I give lectures and write books out of mature adult concern! So, an interesting picture emerges. We take care of our children's bodily needs but, if this is all we do, they still miss out. They have psychological needs, too, and these are simple but essential. A child needs srimulation of a human kind. (It irrr't enough to plonk them in front of a TV set.) They must have a diet of talking each day, with some affection and piaise added in, in order to be h"ppy. If this is given fully, and nJt begrudgingly from behind a pile of ironing or a newspaper, then it -ill ,rot

even take very long!

Many people reading this will have older children, or teenagers. Y9u may be thinking,'Bur already they have learned some bad ways of getting attention. How can I deal with that?'. Here is another story.

'Or ulcE AND MEN' A few years ago, psychologists got about in white coats and worked mostly with rars. (Nowadays th.y *ea, ,*"rJ jackets *.ork mostly with young women - things are looking up!)"oj The .rat

psychologists' were able to learn a lot about u*rrJo,r, because they could do things with rats that they courdnt with childrerr. R.ad on,

and you'll see what

I mean. In one particular e4periment, rats were placed in a special .agr, food and drink, and a little lever. They ate, drank and ran

*ith

*a

"Uo,rt, eventually asked themselves the same questioo yo,, ,r. asking.what,s the Iitde lever for?'. They pressed it (being like children, they wanted to try everlhlld to-their surprise, a little window opened in the cage 1d, rev-eal a filrn being sho',rm on rhe wall outside. perhaps it was Mickiy 11 Mouse - I dont know! The window soon crosed and the rat had to press the lever again to get more of the movie.

$_?

Th_s-

s€s{e-t qf trspp.y_stritdren

'l'lrc rats wcrc willirrg to wr:rk ve'ry ltartl at lever*prcssing to kccp intelligent crcaturcs' likc tlre ttt()vie in vicw,leacling u$ to princ'l'lc one: rats(andchildrerr),liketohavesornethinginterestingttldo^This helps their brains to grow. with food The researchers ,hrn po, the rats in a different cage' rats w€re contentfo:.e ,rrrrl drink but no lever and no windowThe tttt,*l[t: lrulc while but then started misbehaving! fhel chewed *d **tt generally bad firusht with each other, rubbed their f"t "tr' ra1 ,,,rritto, leadu us to ptinciple fiuo: intelligent creatures' like land bored including being from keep to anything do will clrildren), thinpp we could call silly or destructive,

"

;;Jt

;* ,"r."r"h." t'"lly

go'

They tried a cage with across ihe floor and

"t'ty' placed

ruoa .rri'arink, and *irtt tittt* wires through ,ro.f,"J to a battery. E'r.ry no* and then a shock was sent *;;t,-."r;u*, to glve'the little creatures a real start but not to iniure '-' them. (You see now why they didnt use children') t"ktn out of ;*dt; the "*.iting *o*t"' a'rrived' The rats *ttt ,t".rg", "na gi*rr rlhoit" of which they would nt-*l:: go back go"" as to which was the r*'. " '""u", "oJa againl ,rtr'first .hoi.., second choice, *d to on? Here they are

;;. il;;;;;;,

*"t'

. cage with food, drink and movies; . cage with food and drink; ' .*. *itt fo"a, ati"t and unexpected shocts' ff;; **rJr*", rrr. ot, pr"f..r.d the *orrirs best of all. b-o1k! The tf ; ;;i ;;;' that one ' ' ' b"l to th' start of the they pieferred the cage second choi." *r, the really interesting oni: J* ,no.l<s to the one with only food and drink' This leads us to

children, inte{igent things .r."ror"r, tike rats (and children), would rather have bad happening than nothing at all'

,rin

U,

tthree,

tn i*port*t principle indetd for

than words, any stimulation or excitement is better none even if it's somewhat painful' ignorccl In child terms, if a chiid has to choose between being hc'll b"ing scolded or even smacked, which do you think "rrJ ,tlrt. p..f.rl f#n.n do your children choose? Of course' if positivt' then neitlrcr
Or,

in other

g{hat chlldren rsallY

want Jll

r rr

r'ttr

rt.tt t'ttrr ()rr(' ,r.t(, r()r' rrrrr rrrrr. ,rrr.rrl ',,('s,,,,,r(', {lr.rrr rtrrt,trt.rr,,, ,,,,,. ,;:,,,,",',',...,,,,,,,,

rtrrrr' rrrts s.',

:i;l;i:;i:)l)rr

"1,,

Arr'rrp-lrrrl-c:orrrirrgy()r.tlljr.t.rupleha.ltw,>I,.r^;;

;h^";;

O,yr.:,,,,l un.ter rhe horrse with a l,ilriant hrblc, l ,,".i,T^1:,::lld rofi'igcrator full ofi soft drinks, a_record ptry.. (virie'garlres,rii;, invented at that stage, or th"y *o,rrtr have hacr one ,f th.se, 'eena1.. so on. However, th. rt>.) prr.r,t, foun.f .fr.r, U;;;;r.";;.';.,i,,", provicled, the boys *ere * "l-ry, fighd'g;;; ";;;;";,,rrr**o have guests for drnner.They'firrriiy r#t'rr.. b'ys

p;;;;" ffi . ::.::* we mostry know parents,'well. th

:t. ".^"-

e herp

.or.

t'

o,

aborrr rats, hrrt

over and have a look'. The arrange"r"rruthought it a Jittre odcl, brrt *.r"

a behaviourar

r.ir"*,,,,",,,,1 li'. n_ i".n. ,ir,rl,,* ;,:;;,,"

*..*

,rr"a..

ii"'i.r".rr,,

-- m?rr-in-rutu" 'rv\rr (1' JU rt" prorrre'r thar was

badly affecting rheir social life. psychorogists cail)e in a tcanr arrd irrstarcd thcrrrselres arorrr.r , Tnr the house with notepads and stopwat(.hes. Jt was,n"."."r*'"r, cocktail parry so ,orrr. oi

il;il;;rrr, sor'e.w"r. i;;-;l;T.r,

,r*y.a upstairs (wherre the o"*"rtairs (sirring srrendy taking detailed notes).At about 7 o'.ln.k'the upstairs observers noted the mother glancing downw;rrds ;;;*; ;,r"":;.;il;;;:" Sirnultaneously, the observers ao*rrrrri., adults were) and

;:t;,rrr, ,"i ,"rrl,ro;;;';: '.;';ilJ';;; [*n,irn. ,;;;; ,,,.r.. thJ r".t fight or a kind of a clance.Th" ,roi., "i, ,r.g. h"**; rhe' u' *.^1"'rr'. *"J;; ffi #' J: xfl ,t;*#;ll li " ", having playcd wirh the various ganres fighting was rather unusual, ,hJrgh _ r,

.

stairs and, having been

told by the psychologists ro acr ",n " an easy thing to do) begin ,n t,.rriJ;;';.,n, "..1","Uri"", for being disr*ptive. The psychologisrs scribt-,te.i frrr""rf/, ,l"y hra ,roti.",t . ,rrii'u. tfi1s,^r3m.thing they hacl never s-"J ,"'ri,r.'il;';:;;,'i,i.::: r. their father shouting and rookecl ,,rir*ury-.i"stisecr, except for a smalr and curious twist about the mouth * ,r, .*pr.ssion become farnous. psychologists calr

it'rt,"

trrr.

*"*

Sni/g

f-* ls,rr. tron ----lchild

l--) 34

xfuq pqqt

t

which

Lisa s'rile, ...

i-;i'';. -xf) 'l

tit

-----(

1,

-SiJe

i sen-n t

\:*

has

Child psychologists now realise that this half*smile is a secret message, which means,'We11, I should be feeling bad, and I'm trying hard to look remorseful but, you know, I'rn kind of enjoying this!'' Parents have never really figured this
in the

basement, the boys were getting more

attention frorn Dad than they had received all day and had to strugllle hard not to show their pleasure. The psychologists went back to their laboratory, prepared a detailed report and met with the parents to tell thenr what you have protrably already guessed:'You're too busy with your social life; the boys need more attention. They like their Dad because boys of this age want to learn how to be a man, and so they have found the one thing that they know will bring their Dad into the picture: fighting'. The psychologists were right, but they didn'r understand the parents very well. The parents' reply was, 'What a l3ad of rubbish' How could children possibly like being told offi'. The parents, you see, didn't know about the rats and the electric shr:cks, let alone the Mona

L,isa smile.

The parents took their boys o{f to a psychiaffist, who analysed their dreams for two years, then gave up and,took them playing golf with him, which of course cured thenl!

*6 h*ppy shigdr*n W*rat *hi$drsm

n"eailly

want

35

Wt' r .rrr t..rsrly srrrnrrr,rr ist. llrt.

.rlror,,t..

(llrilclrerr play up bcrcArrse they,rc borecl. ls tlrere sorrrctlring yrr a play group, gct toys fronr a toy library, have a box of bits and pi..., fo, irrraginary play so that they, and you, dont feel ,cegedin,? Children play up because they feel unwanted. can you spend a little time each day giving full, positive artention and physical conta*? And are yor, ,"h*!d *"a fr"ppy to give

";."gh

them a secure feeling?

Children play up because it gets them noticed. watch for the Mona Lisa smile, a sign that some attention is needed for doing rhe right thing.

Tnlrunc; IS ltl{AIN*FooD FoI\ KII)s ... wcll and in limited very h,rv,: a widc vocabulary. Sopre on the other hand 4fe rlrcir vcrhal skills.This can be a real disadvantage-I fuL.ot* thin$, teachers often use tatklng ikills a* an inficator.ol{iuffigen9---------------:o ats atrility, and so your kidn tm'be,either,deffiatbiy; oL unc'oLrsciously--'

lly rhc tirne they rcach school

age, uorne kids cen talk very

labclled as'slow'. th-wotdsl a1 'y-A 'ki*s.to ne.go-o How can l tlre differences? ' It we$ Auna',*sicgfy at the 1950s,tliat:;F'arc{lfsi {ilt XnE Somi children' to talking to clistinct groups in their approlches-

.

y"*

And:#

ii

*ql

"

*rryiffi veg adiJgt'["c uii;f in.gfl1tff ..', ,, endrpp-,.1":. ell,tset.itlf h doorll;tS r Htediffi ftar nt**t ;shtii otheri: #giU'm" dp $ite:'Ch+tl+s,ffift{,,itr +g.yt$.*11 ffipd, closing *.i laoOr,; lilu W$g quitA a,&at* #S1i$9,'$ebxtiarl;.

'

peopte a#

there's a good boy!'.

of

tEont

fib*+

to.'ne.c'r-.,

#* h$a

goits't8 liu;6'#oie'#at* gi *h e#' f bgei6o*' I+. a$"- # f ;st*irr6[U in-

U*p*"t

ffi amd !.

,t,.t9,. oai.

t|i.ffiun$.,oh*rler,is'

th ,fit'de n#,E'y.,,"ula, d f"*

n t h e,o i he i htud ; l)'i'i' , ' dopl ue#a'*"mffiCtd*tes i { ff h

o

u

gh

o

.

#,tbruf imio ihdi* ehlttuil;e a*ff4$,I.$1rrff nn{ ' ie*' ai*:u',*t# ror tlre pJeasute of it:.nve..g,rbab,i'ql1ni#'udtrg, .iu;i.[ 4 il itffi,rni'"iAioAdei!'uhddri I uih'mo*e *46,6rylbi$il:i, ".

:

Here are the basic stePs;

$|d.ffiffi pffiCweXQV, )1

,

i.$

al[g, ois,9f sounds to and f:t$d" UfryV"u,gun start uy singiqg o,,L.groUfin ,,w{en flu ePilffi

' " !ti' tre#iil*

n*;[e pffis'trguiie' to1#y, is f ne)

snuggle op

"-&@ Wxf#

tj-i

ua4'

child will come *d tdt t" the baby!This way your'lr,i3f

you to comfort when they are little. Repetition and familiarity it.fpt - the sound of TV's Dtys of Out Livu,.theme 11s1-has ,,.,,,,.b*&.#*nd'to.uoothl niwUottrs who $1ened'l'to l ,mu[ 'M+ft during pregnancY! exposure once the U"Uy

,'

fuspnry etuitrdre*r

them about

to their delight and serxe of rhythm, which is a necessary "dd os hev$,been Ulg1r+spee ,pair.6f,ryU ohi{S$b-;ifll 1ake1,.lttiql ,fro* ttt"t *e all do a subtle swaylng dance as we speak - that 11 is tntl *hil" tpel$ryii Lf v"u can carry the ouiru,rc *r1l

'"'.tffii, S6 ?hg1sc$rst.s{

it born' Moving or swingrng

,

l"

Wha-t ah*{!dqq-n reellg wsclt -$7-

l..rl',' ,tlr,rul \\.tllt \rrlt tl .t \llrl,, r,t lt,l l(.\\ ,r\ )r,u \\r,,k .,ll ri,,, 1,,,rt,., As yrrr gr tlr'rrrgrr rlrt.trlry rvitrr tr,rrrrlr.s, rt.'rlrt.r, rrrrrrr wlr;rr y()u irro tkrirrg, trsilrg sirrrplc wortls, llrrt rrot:rll h,rby t,rlk. t.lsr" rcpetiti
they are saying.

l$ to p
wlr.rt:

3.ASTHETODDLERS SntRITOTAtK MOIi,E you can help

y-::T*q

and.adcting ro *r,"t ;;r;; * yor, so trrey are borlr encouraged by the response, and heiped t. g., ,ir. *"r,1: 'Buppa!','Vru wanr tlr. bumeril,#riuirnor,, ilr;." arrd a little later: "Pass butta ayy?', .you wanf rrte to pass the butter?,, ,pass me butter!'and so on! ,,, this casually - as a ganrc * with no rrndrre prcssure or 1]-: expectarions

A recent TV series featured intervic "

;

So

ho

tf

o.u

s

1'

d

har'

/

.[-

>fi

).t

,-..1.--,.,

( ?9' f-)

ffig

,;#

;;"ff

:*_,fil

uid to

- ;/ ttat; Tour aftiludc

l1r, : ;; *- ;; ; ;;; ;: il;:t_ ;: :JT'f; cerrainly high achievers,,ur sorn e by oddballs! one family th.ugh ,,rr,r "irrfrrr.i"frr, r,.u-*" lbr the and bala'ce of their kids.All A* a"ugl,r"r, ,n"*r"g fiom 'aruralness eight ro sixreen were friendly, relaxed, u.ry ,lo*i*r., _"r.*r, and yet advanced in their skrlrsThe ui*r."o-f"rn-"r.i r.r tlrro"..' ";rr";;;;;; iliri"rn,, skipped pri'rary scho.l (ar her ,.r.tr..'r-rrrgil;"_ ;'; orririJi n"o been quite hrppy lirr her ," *"j.-;;"'r"u, ,ro* cloing doctoral research int. spi'al cell clamagJ. Asked how they had raised such genius kids, the flthc'r saicl 'It c.utdn't t; ;.".";] t'n*."iiri ,n. sperm bank krrocking ()n nrr/ .t.,,,-r, ro--l ,,'ai",,v rr i;,;:,, il.,TJ,i: l" i; x,l ' explained thar as she vacuu'red the il;;;, for example, she wou'l tell thc baby she was car-rying ," h;;;rck ahout w'at she was doi'g, that tht, n.i5e, w35 ,"ri. t,y cleaner, which was electrical an, nrrnecl ,r*ry ar,, that the air it blew through rnade a lor of noise, ; ;;...'-o'e coulcl i'ragine. her ""d '

I

ilIfflllJr:;

h*:

Yoo

Klps. OKAY

**

lil ;;;;;'il;.-;;. il:r;;i

illanner treing cheerlirl and nattrrar * rrot rsh', giving rr.r,", t..ru;:.' :*r.ln, ;,.,; ,::Ttltttr,lrrr mteresting!'' If y.u find car trips .r shopping wirh rittre ch'rJre' rather boring at times, th.n p"rhrp, ,rro i[a of'chartcr *ill ,,,.k:t;i rnore fun for both of you. In our fanrily we've gone onto the next problcln l)ow _ how to

;;r;:;

ff:, $_S T".ir*

four*year_old fi^om talking

X

qaqr*t

ar#

arr flni

ii,r,,

where

'00

TrMEt lJut at l*urr ,h.

}tepg*y q$tjds$reil trrV$t;s* ehile$neet

rextilY

wamt

SS

Wlrcn ()ut.

s().,t w;rs sruall

Ii,il: T fi:,:", 1..,T,,

ffi u;*

wc livcd ()n

.oi._,

"

o

al o

:[Ii ;.]l :r,[l

Wtrcrt doittlE thiugs witlr your chilclren' $olll* sirnple rulcs apply:

-;lill;

II( )N'T NXPNCT TO ACTUAIIY ACHTEVE ANYTHINc! tirpecially with cmall children (like going to the post office) the grul is rro longer the goal. For cxample * if you are teeching them ,., ur. ,"r.i"driu.f yoo won't get the door hung in a great " lrtrrry. So let go of that one'They'll wander offin a while and you

morning and ten _inur.r";;;;,:-, back. Untes;;,,_:lly minutes there and Unless you rook,n;-.-r-l;_'Jlf took ,.r, thi1k. li_ke adults-*" the, d; ;"'.;;#'rnY:-r.":-old kids do nor

goars'.

rhey don,t

;,;;;.:,.fiT;T:r,;l,i,JiffiT f;"t:r:n:,J,jl :.hl

:"*

1,.,. but. Each step or,ir. *":ri-1._, l_"r,hg the subject of intense negodationst 't *"rrrr" play inna nr.ur., ,^r,r-'.5e \Jnce, out of dedic,alol

tfl!Il

," ,ri*..,l.rried

j't" "'a t"

something out. I

a,,,f, ii,"r,, ilil:o.rTi*l-tk r" **tti-,o,;;Juff;il 0t ffifiH;"-* ;1T il; iliJ :,ilf.f

::" influe,r.., early

that

hours!After ry;ffi{'#;' lrt ;;; -"J

"..y rspecially bovs different

ito:'t"".,0*,re

-

while' I even shrred-ro y-t know abour tb*rr;"

-^, ^t]:?tht"* - '"r vqr '1

.o*pi., "nd

every

a

*.,

ir,

rh"lilt-

oerrlS

T_""d

t:au rrrake up for lost time' ,l

()NLy nb rtrtNGS wITH KIDS wHtcg

vou

FEEL

I{ELAXED ABOUT Their help in planting out spring seedlinp will not glve ),ou an immarulate girdtrr'You 'have to decide what you axe doing berng r,vrth your kids" or gctting the job done to

-

your usual standards. If you try io do both you will expCrience a iittle frusmation. Settle for qveeping W soflre of the leaves,but mainly having fun together.Thar way they rryrll qee'gardening with Dadlas a fun activiry and ten years later will volunte-er to mow the lCwn!

-

fathers. Somethins

ffi * *r'3i :1":[:I fflt:il H ';ilf #*xff "f

f*:*;;6;**;,T.fl Ji"";Ttil*H:_1ffi H n*#lfil;Hi.,+liq"'ff#ffi*'irffi of I thosr;d with their Dads

the adults

did

spoke_to,

ffr;ffir,

*ggffifutri*#:*fu.,i*ffi ,*Jil.Tr;il',:',:ffi iffi.,#.###:,,ilIli:;,,T"*::; anyw?y. you can ""I -r1k" ou. ih" s"";u"g. so many n_"ritrr, _--_ 4lruelrus ro ;H:, balet 1* and back is tr# the ffi.trtr;;;#; ;:ll,ffi:+H* rime to actuall Fffi:iij:, :: to piano.Thii _

Iittle,though"rffi ;:il-,,1"J,PJ"'""?:rng,anda'"J,ill*""u,.

:?;:Jf*:: . 3"#f.

:

:dt. ;;ffi,:'i vi,a, rt

ffi

a,,ows croseness

iTffi S,T-.'i,#;;xn#; '#ffi .!ff :J*.*i#fl J fi 'tri'"#:Jffi:.[*;la';"- ;;; ft ::i*

{U

"

4&*T&s ss-q{€t s{ hss#y- sefid{ea

Whst children reallv want 4'l

I llNl( )y

I,Al{ lrN.l,f l( )(

""' li]ur

;]ilil

l,i[]l

v;

rhc conract

rL

c.

there and then.

)l)

l,t. I )( )lrSN,

.trt'ivt'tl, ;ttrtl

s.

I

I AS I I

I

rv.rs

lr

rrry

rrirrtrrirr

.r'':rrcrrrrr..tr

;;,ii*;,iljl';';?: $Trf;,i

*i:.:Il;j

;rrrr.

r

Ilut not when I,m writing on the cornputer! In conclusion _ falher you need to decide moment ro noment what is

-.r.":--1 .::i::i""T; kids,and,";;;;';,'lo"T$:J"ril,";J#'Jii::f, down, and while slowed

down,,*, ;;;;r"Orr.ou.r little pleas#s,

which is the gift they bring.Ti_.

4#

Thq csc{et q{ tueppy q&i{dren

*itt tij,

i, never

wasred.

Curfimg

hy iltst#nlmg

How to hnl1uilfrj1yfi|;lfrfe.el with

BN

Vrrrt r lrrlrl rs ul)sct. Sornt'tlrrrrg lr;rs grtrrt' wr()nH ut srlrool or witlr :rttotltct- t lrilrl or :rtltrl(, urrrl yotr rlorr't krrow Irow to lrc:lp.Vru would likc your chilcl to frnd a way of dealing with the protrlem so he or slre will be less vulnerable.This chapter will show you how to help. The world is sometimes an unfair and difficult place for kids and, much as we would like to, we parents can't smooth out all the bumps. In fact, we shouldnt, since it's through dealing with difficult people and situations that our children become mature and

I lirtracting ^t llr wcll, tre,vcr

tltilltl L-t's go lncl PlaY cricl

independent adults.

We'll look firstly at what not to say to kids when life is treating them badly:the kinds of statements that can put a wall between you and your child. Then you'll learn of a remarkable skill called 'active listening', which parents are finding is the most positive way they can help kids deal with life. Since we are their'safe harbour', children often bring problems to us to see if we can help. The way that we react to these calls for help will either open up greater trust or put up a barrier that will be hard to take down. There are three ways that parents typically react, that cause the barriers to go up:

the rescue' or give wise advice' Which is your style? Do you rush to change the subject? these three styles' Let's take a closer look at each of

Patronising

'*o* *"'rlour

Patronising 'Oh, you poor thing Here, let me fix it for you.'

daY?'

and tell me all about Poot thing come

'll-*.

itj

couldnt keep up'' 'Wb hed this new teacher for matlu'And.I ''Well,

he$ you with the thatt really a*ru no you want m: to

work aftet tea?'

'I didnt bring it home''

o

the

botom of things before it

gets

and talk 'Perhaps tr could ring the school tomorrolt/

Lecturing

ffi:;li',dunno

''Well, you are stupid to have got into this mess, so I'11 tell you what to do. Now,listen

carefully to me ...'

+/

/\ // JI

(..-..-------.. 1i.------'/

c)-(L-=/

64

Thry

ssf;rst

*f

*rapprr ahtidr*n

:I think itk best to

' get to the

worse' don:t You?' Well, err

"'

mmrn'' want vour educatton to suffer''

'il:#t Curlng bY ll*tenlng 45

Lc.e'trrrirtg

\,,,rr'll rrotirt.in.rll tltt.'c t'xrttltplt's tllc s;llll('tlllllg lt'tPPcrrs: tltc tlrc t()llv('tsiltl()ll st()l)s [)l'Ctty s99ll; (ltt' 1,,1(.1t tIr1s lrll tlrr.t;rlkrlrg; ,lrrlrl tkrr.srr't g('t t() trtlk ovcr tlrc rcll problcttr''l'hc clrrlclls ti'clirlgs proble'l - or thirrks 6c pir.( lrst rrl,rrgiS" *"y; t5e pare't'solves't6e

'l-low was y
we had a hard drne..We've got this stupid new marhs

teacher

...'

#

tlrc clrild saYs lcss and less' Now look at a different approach "'

lr,rs;

Active listening

'Nsw dont you go tafking about your teachers in that tone. If you paid r bit more aftention y
'F{ow was your

'Hrrnrni

'Ycxr look really unhappy.'What went wrong?'

daY?'

'Bad!'

fast" 'Aw, we've got a new teacher for maths' He goes too

Distracting 'How

'You're worried you won't be able to keep up?' 'Yes.

was your day?'

a sandrvich?, Jgrr9 tv ll Ir;

'Well. You're no Einstein, but neither are your Mum .n, Dad. Ybu go and put the *'=-.' TV on and dont let it get you down ...,

'Uh*huh.'

asked.

him to explain p*rt of

it

and he said

jutt to pay

more attention.'

'BadJ'

'Oh, come on, it wasnt that bad war it? Have 'Thankt. I'm a bit worried about maths ...,

I

'Hmrnm ... How drd you feel about that?' oReally wiid * the other kids all stitred me having trouble, too!'

"'

but they're

iSo youte angry that you got into trouble because you piped up first?' 'Yes.I dont like getring shown up in front of everyone'1 '\f,/hat do you think You'll do?'

'I'm not

sure,

I

suppose

I

could ask him again" when the

class is

over.'

'You think that woul
I wouldnt

I think he 's a bit

'You can understand it from his point of view?' 'Yeah,

I reckon

he's

just nervous of us''

'No wonder, teaching such smart kids like you!' ''\tah!n

4S- The $s$r'sc qf &appy- chitdrec!

Curing bY llatanlng

4

/

'l'lris, tlrelr, is ltt'tivc listcrrirrg. llr suclr ('irs(.s frin't.nts irre fur fi.rrr srlcrrt: tlrey :rrc ilrtercstt'rl, lrrrcr srrow it lry .'.rrilirrrrirrg tlrcir. clriltllq fl'eli'gs arrcl tlror,rglrrs uncl by hclping rhc clriltl to think it tlrrorglr,

r

Using this approach:

' . '

parents rarely give remedies or attempt to rescue ('r'll call the school') - unless this is clearly necessary; t!"I rarely advise (,you should ask for help,; _ unless rhe

child really needs information; !h"y rarely distract the child from the problem ('oh well, have a sandwich') unless the child is a chronic whinger! -

The skill of active listening takes some practice to acquire, and is taught in classes called 'parent Effectiveness Trainiig' around Australia- It is also explained in the book of the ,"-. ,r"i''. by Dr Thomas Gordon (see References, p. 1.36). - Many parents have found active listening a great relief. They dont have keep their child forever happy *a ti.y dont have to 1o problems for him. with-active listening they can 3ol.ve the gtrilat help the child, whlle leaving rhe responsibiliry and ple"asure, of a solution to the child. The t.i.k ir to ask yo.r.*.14'co,rta my child benefit, in the long run, from solving this problem himserf,you can offer time, clarity and underrtanding so that a problem can be turned into a learning experience Sometimes parents must intervene, as the following story illustrates. A friend of mine has a nine-year-old son who 6roke'his leg and needed a plaster for some weeks. when the plaster was removed he was_ naturally shaky on his feet for a while. A physical educarion teacher at the primary school he attended had the class run round the gval and my friend's son came rast, an embarrassment to him because he was a good runner. The teacher, without waiting for an explanation, made the boy run the oval again, but this time in his underwear only and in front of the rest of the class. wfen fe boy arrived home in tears and his parenrs rearned of . what had happened, they were so arrgry that they saw the school principal the same night and asked that the reacher te dismissed. The teacher was, in fact, transferred to another school, where we can only hope the same does not happen agin. This is a case in which p"r.ntr must become involved and defend their children's rights because the children are powerless to defend themselves. In some cases, kids do NOT *"rt t,r, h+ _ just our support.To get involved would be the wrong thirrg . . . 4$

The eesret s{_heppy-shllCr.s"n

,frrst listcnirrg'is powcrlirt rrrctlrcrrrc. 1,,,,,,,,,, irrstlttt'blrntl*lrcls rv,,t'kl of our children.

lf'wc (illl lrtlltl lr,rtk li'orrr

()l) cvcry ltttrt, we ('lllt clllcr t'lrt' tleeltt'r

been out Mandy, aged six, was in a bad mood' ln fact' she had with her of sorts for a few weeks' She was more argumentative in kinder to go to wanting not vounqer brother and had started

to tiorrrirrgp. Her mother decided to use 'a*ive listening' trouble. she asked Mandv"You look came and sat on sad. Do you want to tell rne about it?'' Mandy her lap but didnt talk much,

ifr.

;; ffi;*;;;

il

"",;;;ilil;;

;J *

b'

from fighung with her

"opped

b"bvb*th.,"nd*asputinherroomforafewminutestocool

seem kind of cross off.'Later that mghi, " Dad commented,'You

,irut *.*."t;.

Mandy gave one piercing look at her Mum and burst into so tears-'The{ call me Yrk Face'' In the next ten minutes or her while in succession' Mandy moved through anger and tears her or trv and cheer her up' il;;;t;*;dt,o"a'o"tt day Manav d-id indeed have a scar on her face' which one have would she *oJdb. healed *ith ,,ttgtry, but foi a while to live with it. Wh;; she had

let out some of the bad feelings she'd

more collected from children at school, Mandy was much peacefut.'t'm not yucky' am I, Mummy?' Nope!You re terrific! E-

Sometimes children want you to do somethitg should ask straight out.

-

in which

case they

for ages' iootine lr.ry "wk*ard' Finally he told Mum, with some th"t ,n oldtt gid ft"a asked him to go to a "*b*rir**.rrt, ;;;i;; ,r,. **ftt with herl rtit tutut" had to battle hard not the kitchen Ionathan, aged fourteefl, hung around

'

to start layqg

Jo*

the law' She said instead"Gee' what do you ,oo"d like you're feeling pretty unsure''

ilt* "*i1l"d;Yoo 0""* nn"*,*""ra i"" r"Jia mt L gol Please?' '#*t, "';;;;;ia"", *;;";'" u"ppv to fo$id him to go'Jonathan ,;1i"*d, ie saved r*.. ", school and with the girl. #-;; Ionathant*.t''''oldo'.laterthatshewouldhaveforbidden

"ti* *

go

bur**r"d

hirn to make his decision,too.A brave lady!

surlsls- g-llgtqllles 4s

Ilrrr is lrr,rlr,rlrly :r l1oorl 1rl:rt c lo rrt.rkt' ;r tonli'ssiorr.'l'lrt' titlc ol tlris ,,','k '/'ltr ,\ttrrl ol I Itltlty ( )ltillnttis l lrttlc itlc;rlisti< ! lrr tlrc rrcl rr lt worlcl , no-olrc is ervcr, or woulcl want to bc, , ,ntrnrrrll) lr:rppy. So for our childrcn, such arr airrr actually wor"rlcl bc \r'r('rlg. lf you try to nrake kids hrppy all the time, you will acttrally f

Kids and srnotimns

quite miserable!'What we really want is kids rtlro c:an handle and rnove along through the many feelings that life l,r rrgs . . .Joy is the goal, but being comfortable and experiencing all tlr(' cluotions life brings is the way to get there most often. A proper understanding of emotions has been missing in our ( ulture until recently.We've only just escaped from the era of 'big lroys don't cry', and'it's not ladylike to get angry'. Few areas of rrrrclerstanding are as rreeded and helpful right now as getting back rrr touch with how feelings work. Luckily, the'facts about feelings' ;rrc now available to help both us, and our kids, to find the inner 1'crrce and vitality that make up emotional health. rrr.rkc thcru arrd yourself

What tg reafly going on?

.r\l \..,

EI t)

What do we mean by emotions? llmotions are distinctive sets of body sensations, which we experience under specific situations. They range in intensity from subtle to incredibly strong.They are constantly with us - flowing and merging together as we resolve each event in our life and move on. We are alwaysfeeling something - emotions are a symptom of being alive! There are four basic emotions - anger,fear, sadness andToy.All other shades of feeling are a mix of these - like colours mixed from the primaries red, yellow and blue. There are thousands of combinations possible - like jealousy - a mixture of anger and fear; or nostalgia - a mixture ofjoy and sadness!We are such interesting creatures! When our children are newly born, their emotions are only just beginning to take shape. Observant parents can watch babies in the early months developing separate and distinct expressions of how they are feeiing - the shriek of fear, the tears of sadness, red-faced rage, and chortles ofjoy. Infants are not inhibited - they express feelings naturally and easily, and as a result the negative ernotions soon pass. However a growing child has to learn how to deal with feelings socially, arrd find constructive outlets for the powerful energy that feelings create. A child depends on us as parents for this information - luckily it isn't too hard to get this right - as we'll show.

Klds amd srnotinns St

Urrrlerst;urrlirrg bc'st exprcssccl,

elrrotiorrs wlry we

wlurt to

uvoid

lr;rve tlrcrrr, lr.w they c.llr be tlris is thc kcy to ;r hlppicr lifi. witlr

cltildrcrr. I

Why do we have emotions? Sometimes you could almost wish you had no feelinp. Especially the negative ones like anger or sadness, which cause so much pain. 'Why then did nature equip us with these highly charged stares? Each has a big role to play - as you'll see. Take anger first. Imagine a person who for some reason never feels anger. Somehow they were raised without a cross bone in their body! They are standing one day in the shopping cenrre car park. A car drives up and parks right on their foot! Our super-accepting person would just stand there waiting until the driver did their shopping and came back!

... alraid | ,na, nui" lunf;)"T ,

/our wheel :

\ rcclrll tlrc titttes wlretl yotl you tlott't belicve t'clr is trsefirl' tts slows r".,,.,, tO huvc rr() li'rrr! licrtr irr a car with a dri;;r'*ir,r whett our thurk and avoid clanger - evcll rlown, forces ," 'o ;;i;;;;;ttomed "on' what that danger might be' has brain conscious ttl:t:UJ washes that helps us to -grieve - " Sadnessi, tf" "^oiio"of losing something or someone trom our distress the of us clean to *r'""[ go with odtt"tt help our brain life.The chemical ";;;*;; can by being sad move on to new life' Only release the pain, and so life' contact with people and we'Iet go'and so make new

n*f*ty

So You can see that; anger .."-"""' keePs us

fear

'."""""',

keeps us

;;;;;''""'-kdt

us

handled'

tre;

sate

d the rvorlin contact with people and

Allthreeoftheseourcomesarecentraltoourhappines.Joy.thefourth safety when these needs (freedom' emotion, is what ;;"P"t;nce and contact) are fulfilled'

Teaching kids about anger

\

I

*==l(l

Anger is what makes us stand up for ourselves.'Without it we would be slaves, doormats, mice! Anger is our instinct for freedom and self-preservation. Fear is of definite value too.'Why else do you drive on the correct side of the road? Fear keeps you from taking high risks. If $?,.,The -cesrel

ct

h,eppy- cbild.re$

to understand and handle You can teach yorir til' 'p""in"I[v fo* take anger first' Let's each of the are arLgry 't"""'l"g;""i"-otio"'' children have when they The immear"r.^iirpJe that be modified natural pt'po'"' but must is to hit out' This his a get alonq ti:lt world' somewhat if we are to to help *iJtt children' our aim should be 'Whenever *t;;;;;"t adults'Think for and serve them well as them learn *f'"t *itl work anger? It way for an adult to handle ii"'r *h;; a moment in some "" person who is being mistreated balance'A a to down comes conviction' and to clo ut"ilJ'o;;y;t out loud' withAnger way needs and violence lrc 'o or act violent') feel they on @efo'e so early anger gone wrong' rft" same thing'Violence is lrrrl ""rAn adult lt""'Jto moderate their inger so tnlf i1 has impac:t"ltttle cbild shows too does not d" d;;;;;;;;*"."u"'J"lrour lnd b" pushed around ol rtrerl *i-p' seen be may they anger, "' " makes them unpopular or tvFll 4 by other kids' Too much anger to lex111 dlrulrl right i' *i"' our kids need bully. Getti"g tt'i' b"l""ce irH'F url' ofi'actice' stafting from toddler takes it and -

";;;;;t

Kldr nnd rmsUrnr

E?

'lir holp kids bo comfortablo with

St"rnvriv - AssnsstN(; y()ur( (:nn.t), .IJM.T"IoNAL LI,T,E'(R.," i

usc words itrstead of rlctiotts to exprcss allgcr' 'l'hey havc to say ottt loud that they are angry' and if possible

l.lnsist that thcy

Name of child

why.

Talk with them to check out what is behind their outburst-Young kids will sometimes need help to'think back'to what went wrong. 'Are you angry withJosh because he took your truck?' 'Did you get sick of waiting for me to finish talking?' Soon they will be able to tell you what is wrong and why instead of going straight to impulsive actions. 3. Let them know that feelings are heard, and accepted ftut may not always change things). 'You've got a right to be angry with me. I wasn't listening' I'm listening now.' or 'I know you're tired of waiting in this shop, and so am I, but that's just how it is.What can you do to feel better instead of hassling your brother?' 4. Teach directly that hitting is not an acceptable way to handle anger. Confront this directly, give a negative consequence for each and every hitting instance, and insist that a child do what they should have done in the first place (usually USEWORDS)! 5. Help children to say what they DO want' Often they will start to whine and complain about what they dont want' They need your he$ to be more positive . . . 'He hits me.' 'Tell him very loud not to do that.'

2. t-Ielp them Position in family

Able to express anger 0 not at all { onty by tantrums, aeting out, aggression

Able to expre$ sadness 0 not at t on! bf conveiing it to anger or sulking

alt

Able to express fear 0 not at all I only by hitting out, attacking or withdrawing Able to oxpross happiness 0 not at all 1 only by acting

,stupid,,. thoughtless

or

asitated

2 strongly ancJ able

to say they are angry, in words, safely

n

2 able to say they are sad, cry, get a nug

2 able to speak fears out loud, talk them over

2 able to say

th;y rr* h"ppy,

J";:"

and sino

hG;;;

ilhr,

If you like, you can add these up ro give an ernodonal r*r literacy score out of g. Six or less ,..Jri"r.O, LJ If you can see wl

;; ;,, ffilTFf]fl#ffifl

:" ::'*s" feeling and why. Th"y,."". a" arr**i, Toddlers can poinr to drawings

by

y*

,11,T3i.

;lJi.,ill

,, rhey are young.

";;.", ;f;il;*. iir,x 3l'T;P:"'1:jj 1"' ths

ro tell you whar and care perhaps

;;;#,;T:T'li ff':n*il-,1:::,.l;T

expressive

in

angor

safe ways.

to connecr their

feelings

with

reasons.

'Myra took mY bike.' 'Go and ask her if you can have it back now. Tell her it's yours and you want it.' 6. Show them by your ov/n example. When it's all added up, they are more likely to do what you DO, than what you SAY. So be sure to role model what you want.WhenYOU are angry say so, in a loud voice. Get angry and be loud early, before you are REALLY steamed up. Once it is dealt with, let go, so they will learn that anger can be expressed, and then is gone. Simply say the words often and easily:

$4

T-$t*

qqgret eS fumppy *Fs$ldrsn

Kids and emotlons 55

r m angryt' 'You're cnrwding me!' 'Stop interrupting!' 'I'm annoyed that you didnt keep our deal.What,s going on?,

\*f L

No/ EI

o

Kids learn far better atr
good

progress.

Teaching kids about

I

tr.-\

sadness

There has always been a folklore understanding of sadness - that it's good to have a cry when thin5 become too much. Fighting against this has been the strait-lacedVictorian notion of the stiffupper lip, of 'being a man' or 'being strong'. Also in everyday usage amongst kids is the idea that you can cry too much, and that to do so is a bit suspect - there's a special name for this, being a'sook'.

+ I

i4's not hina

to

7uu,

?i,*j' \.*/'

'Wi?r'

nassl^ve

qct ot

self'

,

c'rrrlro[

$6-....-'lh"e-..p--e-srst._e!'hgnpy_.s..h..ild-r_cn

Kldssnd !'n!o!!g[L !Z

'[ir t'ry sOlttetitttes

is rts ttet'essury rrncl as n;rttrr;rl ;rs br-e;rthirrg. ltlrr fi'.rrr rrnkiug y()r-l str-()'g, not cryulg rrctu;rlly nrakcs yoLr r,rptigllt, you tcrrcl to livc in the past and be hard to contact in the prescnt, arxl lbarful of other people's emotions or anything associatcJ with
or loss. If you know how to cry and release sadness, you know yru can handle anything.

scientists have found that when a person cries, their body releases chemicals of the endorphin family, which block pain receptors, and produce a healing anaesthesia through the worst of the anguish that loss sometimes brings.This chemical is present even in our tears themselves. It's closely related to, and as powerful as, morphine. Tlo help kids be comfortable with sadness Sadness follows its own course as long as we provide support and understanding.All we need to do is be present, calm ourselrres down as we sit or stand with a child who cries. sometimes they will want to press against us and be held, other times they will want to be separate. ,[t', If it feels right, you can give permission: ,It's okay to "ry,, really sad about Grandpa','I'm sad too'.you can exprain slightly if a child is confused or awkward: 'Tony was a good friend of yours. He's worth feeling sad about'. 'we once were at a friend's place.we were watching a great video movie called Mask.It had just ended, and everyone was enjoyrng being sad, in facr our hosress was sobbing loudly. Her three-year-old appeared at the door in pyjamas, came over to Mum, put out a tender hand, and said'It's okay,let it all out!'.

Helping children handle fear Fear is somerhing we all need. It's vitally imporranr that children learn to freeze,and stop from running into danger.Also we want to know that they can run or jump quickly to avoid being hurt by a speeding car or a bicycle veering their way on the footpath going to school. And in our urban world, to fear the over-friendly stranger or a person acting strangely is also vital. on the other hand, being too afraid is a real handicap - children also need to be able to speak to adults, talk up at school and get their needs met, and join in socially. They need to see the wcrrld as a basically safe place, if handled properly. we d like rhem to be brave enough to try new things - sports, new friends, creativiry and so on.

58

Th,e--

qesret sf .beppy 6h!!_4ren

relring ttp itr fnrnt tirc:rrscs y()tl' A snlke lt ptlrP()scs' tw() licrr arrtl 1111g11:ss' stops you^bcirrg clrclttry ol.you on l bush track soon faster and jump logs higher energrses ;":,il;iii;tt trcur rlso ,1,,,,t ,o,, thought Possible! is summed up order to.deal with fear in learn to need kids What out our fears'To use our minds to sort of ur one word -THINK'We do'when my job involved a lot *;";;;; we what for rrl:rrr more mvselrbecoming more and through bumping ihty felt unsafe' - high up'myself ,,,,I',appy o,, plttt'' out - that no r hid t'o check o"' flt*i"g;;'o r'louds, wings that plane travel is safer than tt"t*1 f;al^'eve"r jetliner Ausffalian *"'1U thousands of jets are routinely the road travel, that all ffii;;; fo"tta this worked'This is exactly ti*J'lf"Ai all air the in 't" kids' rpproach I take with hrrs

iiH"ffi;il #';' iP;J

dealing Four basic hints for

with

fears:

OF FACT' Three- and four-year-old 1. BE VERY MATTER world think 1:'" about the wide children of'"olo* to stage this *ittt lots of concerns around them, J;; "p fours'in some books'Talk it over

tt"o*"'"'*'il4"tt'"1

casual' Trust their intuition with them, be patient but people or places will be well

is even

sornetimes

founded'

,"." *"U

thel'caution about

n""' i' " ["a of radar' which a dangerous Past'

has served the human

through

2'TALKFEARSOVER.Ifachildraisesarealistic(ifremote) of it happening' but do fear, then t*pf"il''f"-unlikelihood out with them what they figure out an ?ttt"" nt* - !sot1"g again'

*?"fa

need to do to feel safe

FEAR'TELL THEM UNREALISTIC AN RAISE THEY live 3. IF bed for monsters' unless vou So. Don't J;;;;;r;ti' or somesuch! in the Komodo Islands If they are constantly 'fearful' use 4. UNDERLYING FEARS' something else that search out if there is to listeni";'k'll' your you' Sometimes in"'* *t"h they find hard to tell is troubling one fear it

to share' for another that is harder t.cl.y' kinds of d"_"g:r. facing children Because of the different trlllcd t"gt impersonal iitits' a prograru especially fit'ing i"

t;;;;;

Kldt and omotlorrr 59

il

Protective [Jehaviours Training is being intr'ducecr i. rrrn'y schools. Prorective Behaviours helps chiliren plan fbr how and where ro ger help, if anything at all happens. sadl-y one of the r'ort common dangers children face is seiual abuse usually from someone known to their f"-ily. Protective Behaviours teaches two rules:'There is nothing so bad that you cant tell someone about it'and'you have a ,igrrt to feel safe all the rime'. (If only rhar were true for the whole"worrd!) It skilfully avoids teaching younger children ,tr. ,p..ino of sexual those e4periencing it know these all too *rtt, and thosc "b:r. aren't dont really who need to. The program does not quiz or identifi individual kids in the classroom. Iidoes give strategies for getting supporr people for each child, so that those who are in (or may encounter) danger know clearry how to get help.The reporting of verifiable sexual abuse has been found to- irr.r."r, markedly ii the months after the program is introduced. The incidence of child abuse is also claimed to fall when the program is well publicised, probably because the offending adults realise"that being found out is

I

by the feclings they sct of plrcnts will havc thcir buttons prcssed ernotion 'trtost ,n,rr, ryrnpathise with. The child thus learns the likely to succeed'.

Feelingsthatare.faked'byachildinthiswayarecalled.racket

feelings'fhough we're looking for a kinder word)' e"S"t when Put on as a racket is called a tantrurn' SaJness when Put on as a racket, is called sulking' Fear when put on as a racket is called slryness' major challenges to These threJ rackets comprise some of the approaches to each " ' parents of young kids, so tet's look at practical

a real risk.

A strength of the program is that it

deals largely with everyday such as arriving home to find the hoJse'locked and noone in; or getting on the wrong bus. It's a brilliant balance between_some programs which simply frighten kids but don,t

dangers

inform them, or the alrernative

- a i."rnJ them ignorant and helpless.we learned from protective Behavio.rrs howlo teach our kids safety-thinking skills. If the program isn't in your child,s school, ask why not! _- In summary kids need a rittle fear in their lives to prorecr them. They dont need overloading with adurt fears itt - ""r;"t to take c.are gf those. They need teaching how to think throrigh danger one good way is to fbn with them:''what iourd you 1itu1lon1,and do if "''-in response to questionr th.y ask, or dangers yo,r-*"rr, ro prepare them for. Rackets

- when feelings get out of hand

we all have an intuitive sense that there is a difference between a real emotion, and one that is'put on'. children often get such a good reaction when they show a particular emotion, that"they learn to run out that feeling whenever they want the desired effect. Each 6Q

T-hq

'{s-srcj..ef hnrpy shiHren .

l

Kj-dp -end-emPtl"o11

61

{irrrrnvc oN Top oF Tr'rNrrruus! Thntrurns lrc learnerl by accident. A child of erglrrecn months to rwo vears

old is oltcn learning to hrrrate

+*

t'

frustration, to s7xi6 for things, to take no tor an arlswer. So the first time a tantrum occurs, they are simply swept away with the force of their own rage, and behave in an out-of-control oJav

that neither you or they have ever e4perienced before. Sornedmes this is so sudden that the child is scared too!

'IVhat wasTHATII'- and they will cry afterwards and need reassurance. From here on though, rhe toddler is aware of

what they are doing, and IS acually in control.,\t/ell, look ar rhar, I,m t*M"g-"t th11op1fmy longr - now, here goes with rhe flailing on the ground - a bit of a dribble _ thar's rhe wav!, y:{d anyone wanr to behave this way? partly its just the

,.Ynl relief of fischarging all that built up frustration. Bot *ort- of the motivation t:.t1. effect on big people! Big people gers really

embarrassed, frightened, uptight, and sornetimes they give you what you wan'lThus angef --*:vetr: t,tean i*ea#.,ir4raineA, 3 :-']i-r::l.r ^-:@---:':' " '---9";So here'r wLat to. dor,'"u i.

entr

,

1.

I*l

x

END

The very first essenrial step is to make up IHT_P_AYOIFS. mi_nf.You will never again give a child whai they **rr, u result of rhem throwing ,rrio.r*.you might have rn rire past ",

foul

for

"

2. HANDLE-THE PRACTICALITIES. Do whatever you need to get throlSh a tanrrum once ir has started. So-. p"ople will walk

,, *ryay; end igpore em.iwfieir v , **r*ia eng to.Aoj, some scruffthemand take them to their room or"inyi*U to *"itiog."r. " It's up t: VT,*d the siruadon.What is more important is fi]ture

"

pH:T31,_yF,..h

!$,

' . ,, it ar rhat, Ler ;'iJffi;;;Jfii#il ,,,,

"sto.,rhe,,nexr:ntepi.., 3. FOLLOW UR Once the tantrurrr,li,o*en Cinrt tiave rhe child

kn"*.4p**rlng,

; *

the teaching time when both you and your child are calm enough.Jhey are to $ray iu tlr*lt'roorrr, or'stand by the wall,lor wait until you borh gei horne from the ,op.r*#"i, *a iteo 62

The recret

hqppy children

Kiclr rrnd

gnr:rllql:

41

BxeN BAGGING

*

HOIilII TO STOP THE SULKS

1

Hcre are

wnnt.TheY ju*t

i

64

Tho mslo! of happy shildrgn

Kldg and emotlonc 65

slrrrtll.f rrot lrc (ltc tt:nlx'ol ;rilr.rrtiorr l.r 1,,,r,,- tlt,rrr:r ()[ t.\ /() -- .r tltcy will [rr: prcl;s1;1.1111 irrto hcirrg littic

tlr.rt.'l'lrt.y 'r()rl(:r)t.

$ayirr$ hcllo ancl ttrakittg cyc (:ontilct is a goocl start. z. INslsT Tkr/iT THEY Do ITI Thrcc-year-ol
;r;i;d

;;i;'*;Hief*

('xl'rcrllr r(];I(;ft()lls ,lrrlrltctt irr tlrcl tirst pl;lc'*' W;rtclt ottt' [or rcason' i,itls, ttrcl il$ s(x)ll its lrossililc fitrcl out tltc pcoplc' ( )utgoirrgrlcris is rcally just a matter of getting startcd with * therr thingl flow easily' l,,,rng lti.rr
-

Iletra ?ErwA.r

fl

$rj \

;;;.il

um"ui r.

break l$guut apanern the niut UiJ*,W--fr-"an;; : quietened down, she was brought baclc co *u":'*i"*,-ii. ready'. (She may be stubborn, immediately said'I'm b", ;;; out, easy carre as pie, and said'Hello stupid.) She then Massie, ro a happily. S""n th. rriritor, *d nn off,and

titls

fltt

Hr'b

,n.r*rrTr"ri]

approache{,JWaggte eastrly'.and showed her a tov *oa

ci"*ea;ifr-

dly, ev€l.o,sburr:ed again, and when i1 6i6 i g.* secondsto st*d and think sorted it out.Angela went fi-"* b;;;; "- :Y:'-t' e ,nv cf*,f ru,ln aaping one ia e numer of days

problern

ia

The only reason shyness persists in the first place is that sonre adults rhT ,give so mueh aitention,t: :L think ir is cute, touabl" and show great of 'drawing a child out,. fir. endearing, and rnake .fUJ ^ g.o *or. atrendon than th;1:u": *:,rld forjust being strargh.il;. rue only tin*"s wh.rr.{e {rould be scared of peopli ,* *t"; y.ou ere not around, or whltr there is sortrething u*i*r; *s. ,n ;d"; who is actually dangerotts,drunk, or known or intuited Uy ,fr" .frifJ to be a ,.*rr"l danger.These people should not be ,r"r"a ,"r,

6S Ths ssqqsg *-f Fe4ppy *kil-dre-+

. ,$-t_--

Trds; 't/ tsk;\ ,l

Sorne 'childrcn and

se:$t;pantdined,

advl* ate noturatly tnore quirt und

Donlt-foia,

jusl uake sa;te lhey

un

yo'ur

&ild lo

be an

be sociable when

tht

extrount -'

"! y::":

Kial* anc{ enrotlons

q$7

opcnecl wls :rlways having nly ryes lrr ruy clrly work with fanrilies' I discover surprises was to rr ()ne way or anoth;;' One of the first t''ic being brought happy tiTfatt" were rlurt some of the most stable and secret *"v'"i thinking) qt:t*t-ll"" rrp by incredibly fit;"6-;; consistent so were hard Uot IU'Ute seemed to be that ,r,.'"tp"'"* how to stay the rules were and what children;;;;dy their rhat punishment very rarely' .rrt of trouble. n""",,* of *ti', it'"y received tt"y were loved and Most importantly, these childre" tt'"J-titi pottiUitity'rhese kids was valued unconditionally' Rejection ";"nevei terrified and never but would have someti*!'-Ut"' afraid' rules plus In brief' tf'"'" *"tt strong made to feel "U",'Joita' ool-*itttout the other I don't positive affection. If there had been ,t itrt i, would have succeeded' saw far lgre children ln contrast to th.r. 6rm-but-fair families,I *itr' J*tdful misbehaviour but who had lots of'freedom', got away were' looking for these

were still miserable' Clearty' "iifJt""toi their parents ' someone to Put the brates on them' more wanted the'children tr'ooght misunderstooa th" ,ignl''ihey

was ffue' room and more freed"om, but the opposite of'tfit't""t"o that Parents need Children's t r"a-f' ti"'i" i' o"" in a foster home' social workers pt"' ' child to know t
*":#:fff'ff:h"

in

easilv but, more

ptav P'b"uI.T will your and

*o"iho to iest oY: Y:" uP a great deal in the first th'"u unit to see if it is want to know if Your marrrage enough' Then he can affection and your discipline "'" "io"g relax and begin to grow agarn' like the family will not break In short, h. *"t'a i- ft""-i that this

f;,it

-

:::T^;;,.f|;.*ll Hftil"r:*

old one, and will test it to see!' same: But all children are the Fostering i, th;;;me example' is going to stoP *":'^.,they need to know that someone styles of -ioresearch that 'ft"tJ t'" 'i'""^'-"in We know from and children's pf"tt"* tp: ag9reY' Passive to parental ,.rporr," in *9t$' or action' o'". assertive. Aggressive parents "to"k'""iti"tAf"* children to'walk put their children io*"' Passive p-*t il'-"t'" ltti-::"*'- and over'them and only regarn control ;;; are quite different' then by .rrr"*p"t'JJ ""?i"*"' 'r""'ti'n"-parents ;;;J explain the three to you in more detail' Thg.-e--e-tg$Jv-

o-

Pgrenl 69

'l'lrr' ;rggrcssivc parclrt Aggr.ssivc perc,ts rrc a'gry with their crrildre''eady ail trrc tirrrr.. u'sually their anger is not a result of the child's beharrio,r, at :ril.

Jh.V may perhapr !. resenting rheir marriage, their jobs, thc human race, or the fact that they're parents and dont want to rrc (which is no fault of rhe childrln)" rn.y ret our this tensio' by putting the children down. Some children deal with this in a very interesting way. They realise that this is a kind of love, reasoning thus: ,At Ieast they,re interested enough ro yell at me, and they yl[ to,r,ily ro th.y _,rrt care a lot!'. The child- may even yell b..t ito return the love), and soon parents and children are relating by fighting - kind of a,Bra*y Bunch'!'whole families can join in. what [ loot, rik. "n"outrid.r dangerous free-for-all is actualy a kind intimacy *rri.r, a[ the" participants would miss if it werent going 'f on! Other children, sensing th"t parerrtal put_downs are really destructive in inrent, be.om. withdrawn and disturbed. As far as obedience is concerned, aggressive p"r.rrr, do get results, based on fear. However, they also g.t ."b"llion: nlany a bullying parent has one day faced a reenager b*ig enough to hit back. Aggressive parents end up with children who .itf,., frightened and intimidated or rebelious and defiant "r. or a mixture of both! -

The passive parent Passive parents are everywhere!

I once interviewed a young mother who complained about her child's disobedience. This was quite a common complaint but there were one or two unusuar things that caught my notice. Most parents bring the child with them to see me. rt, a.t, many would rike to drop them off, saying, ,Ffere, you fix her!,. This mother had not broughr the child 'for fear of upsetting her (and had not tord her husband eirher). As we talked, she poured out detaiis of the child's behaviour,

obviously.relieving herself of enormous worry and tension by putting it into words. she seerned so keen to unburden herself that i9 was a good half hour before I needed to speak. r ,rt Jt o* ,rr. dealt with disobedience and she repried that she *;r-;;; fir- b,rt the child did not obey. LJk d h., to bring th. '.tla ,r.*, limply time and show me. ,7$ Tlte seqret of ll*msv efuil*lr*n

'l 'l lrc t'lriltl w,ls v('l y ( ()()l)(-l.rltvt' .ttltl ltvctl rrlr l'() ()(ll' e xpc( t'lll(tlls Aficr lr fcw rrrirrrrtcs 'r'usirtg thc joint', shc sct abottt tlistttltlttlitlg rrry rclcphorrc and c:ttrtaitts. I asked the nrother to show tnc lrow shc *,r,,1,1 stop the child' She immediately dropped her voicc ancl ,rrtrrrrrured in soft, cautiotrs tones,'Melissa darling, how about st()pping that?''

Naturally, there was no changs.'Please, love, come here, there's a good girl.' I liked this lady: she was an involved Parent and wanted to do what was best for her child. Flowever, her idea of firmness and mine were very different. Some 'assertiveness training' was tried, and some help to trace .rnd change the causes of her timidity:Melissa soon ceased to be the l)ower in the familY! Good behaviour in children is required not as a whim of parents 6ut to make practical living easier. Unlike parents of the Victorian cra, we do not need pointless obedience, such as brushing one's Sair before sitting down for tea or eating one's food in alphabetical .,rder! We ask kids to cooperate so as to make life go more srnoothly:'Put on your old clothes before you go out and play', 'Clet that cat out of the fridge!' Therefore, when a child does not cooperate' the parents find their life inconvenienced. Soft parents soon find they are being given the runaround. However much they want to give in and not inhibit little Sebastian's creativity, these parents find they are very .ngry and tired of the troubles this causes, and attempt to restofe .rrJ"i. It may be after an hour of disobedience or a long week of repeated trouble but, whenever it happens, the parents' patience ,.rdd"nly runs out. They suddenly lash out and discipline the child in a way, and with a feeling, that they and the child know is somewhat out of control' It will come as no surprise to you that parents who injure children irr:e very often shy, timid parents who finally blow their stack. If you cver feel that you are a danger to your child's safety or your own when you 'blow up', then be sure to read Chapter 8 of this book to find out more about self-care' As I write this, I'm feeling a lot of concern that you, the readcr, r'ay be feeling bad, recognising yourseffiin some of the above. If you have this pattern in your relationship with your child (back dowtr, back down, back down, blow up) then you need to know a c.upltr t>f things. .1

a{

l,lrc first plrt of asscrtiveness is on the insiclc of yott, itl yottr gttrtrrrles. Circle which is closer to describirlg you'

About rhr$ of parnnts cxporience this pencrn, I when they have youns childrcn, end are jur, qun experience in parendng, It not,a b1*frnb, ndo$ ofyqur T and cnn.hrlrn efi d

[*gffi

'

So.aggressive and passiv.e parenting

(with

a

trumper fanfare!)

*.

'Flrm'parcntr drcldo thcy matter too

'Murh'Parantt drvalur thcmrolvcr

l.iuopll

dont work - what's left? Finally *rro.rrrce theASSERTIVE PARENT

r

The assertive parent

l'm as important as the rest of the family.

come last in the family.

The children are imPortant, but they have to fit in with others, too.

I have to keep the kids haPPY all the time or l'm a bad

Assertive parents are clear,firm, determined and, on the inside, fairly confident and relaxed. Their children learn that what Mum or Dad says goes but, at the same time, that they will not be treated

parent.

Frustration is Part of growing up: the kids can't alwaYs get

I mustn't frustrate their

with

put-downs or humiliation. Assertiveness is not something you se-e every day and so you mey not have a lot of examples to copy from. if y"", f"r.ri* *.ra aggressive, then it may be particularry hard for you ," be asertive. The important thing is to see assertivenes, ,, ,kir, not something that you are born with-This means that you " may take time to learn it.There's still hope!

I

natural creativitY'

l'm nobody, really, but mY kids might be someone someday.

.

My spouse matters but not as much as the kids.

their way.

.

to be happy and healthy to be a good Parent I need

-

I hav-e to do things for

myself, too. My partner and our marriage are very important. The kids come an equalfirst'

Life is such a struggle.

Life is challenging but fun.

I iust want to keeP the Peace: I give in to the kids for the sJke of some peace and

Life is easier if kids learn to behave well. As an adult I am the one in charge.

quiet. Pity it doesn't last long'

/2

t

72 Tha sscr*f ltf ha^^" etrtt.t*^-

The second part of assertiveness lies in action: what you actually do' to Here is how to get good behaviour from a child who is used disobeying or delaYing. 1. Be clear in your own mind. What you're asking of your child is not a request, its not open to debate: it's a demand which you have a right ro make, and the child will benefit from learning to carry it out' Th,e

agpgrtlve Porent 73

llrl

I

ATTEN-

''

5+1u N

/

2. Mako good contact. Srop what you arc doing, go up closc to the child and get him to look at you. Don't give the instruction until he looks at you. 3. Be clear. Say,'I want you to . . . now. Do you understand?'. Make sure you get a'yes' or'no'answer. 4. If they do not obey repeat what you want from them. Do not discuss, reason, get angry or scared. Breathe slowly and deeply so that you become calmer.What you are signalling to the child is that you are willing to persist on rhis one and not even get upset about it. This is the key step, and what matters most is what you don't do. You don't enter into debate or argument, you don't get heatedr 1rou simply repeat the demand to the child. 5. Stay close if there is any chance that the child will nor carry out the task fully. When the task is completed (say, putting away toys) then dont make much of this either. Simply say, 'Good,' and smile briefly!

I

rl

l

il

l

I

Il

il

'?

\.to,a :l ?tok

rffi)It'T EJY1I [-a/ 7{ .Ihe

This sequence is a retraining procedure.It may well be timeconsuming the first couple of times, so that you'll think, 'Boy, it's easier for me to put the toys away!'. But the time invested here will

lll

til

be repaid a thousandfold.

The trick is simply to persist. When the child discovers that you do not give up, give an entertaining minor nervous breakdown, or get sidetracked then he simply gives in. You will find that you soon develop a tone of voice and a posture that says 'I mean business' to your child. It's completely different from the voice that you use to discuss, tease, praise or play with your child.The child will recognise ir as the voice rhat means 'Do it now!'.And they do! It's a great feeling! Once they've cottoned on to assertive parenting, it's amazing to look back at how you used to make thi.gp hard for yourself. For example, here is the great Australian bedtime drama. Names have been changed to protect the innocent! It's right on Cheryl's bedtime.

_ssss! cf .h-eppxshil-dr-cn Tha

oaaa*lr,a

rrrrrr

ill

1t

l'l

Ir

ii

ll

r

Chlld (to herrrl0

Mum

'nearly'- that means

It's nearly bedtime. Cheryl. Better start packing up!

She said

Are you packing up your toys?

Some chance!

You know how tired you get in the mornings, dear. . .

Onc way to be nngry nnd rolaxed at ths enms tlms * protondl One day when I was at school, our science feacher was called out of the room. Soon we had out the squeeze bottles of distilled warer and were re-enacting the gunfight at the OK

'not yet'.

Mum's using reasoning with me

*

that means shet scared of me. Anyhow, morning is years away still.

Corral from behind the benches. Although normall; a rirnid chil4I had got myself out ro the front ofthe lab and was blazing away ar the others, when suddenly their faces changed and they went sril.A roax came from behind me and the teacher

Come on, Cheryl, you don't want to cause another fuss, do you?

YeP"

I

Look, l'll help you put the dolls

Goody! Mummy's gonna play

away.

with me!

Hey, put those toys back. I just packed them away.

Catch me!

Cheryl, do you want me to get really cross?

YesJ

You're a naughty, naughty

child.

I am. I don't know why,

but I really enjoy these fights. They really get Mum involved.

The child's answers are, of course, unspoken. If Mum heard them she might not have been so willing to play along. The same sequence occurs in many situations.The main steps are:

.

the parents fear conflict: they sound reluctant and doubtful when they first'ask'the child to cooperate; . they use reasoning and argument, not seeing that this is being used by the child to'buy time'; . they give a lot of attention to struggling with the child, who enjoys the control and interest of having a big person on a string; . the parents become fed up and crack down with more emotion and putdowns than they really wanted to use. It's painful, especially if it happens every day. Thank goodness there's a way out. t/.

"l'L^

hqhhr, ,kll,.lras

us

in a fury!

in my desk almost by magic and didnt dare ro even look up f"* *v bdok,When I di4; n*"t"g thing met my eye. T[e teacher was looking out over the silent class, grinning from iar to ear. I realised thar he had been acting angry and was was back

emused by the instant results he had achieved as a re..rlt.

/t's exciting.

I suppose

1ry back amogglt

This was ngw to me.I knew adults who got angry and went out of conhol, and others who got scared of their own anger, so that it came our all uneven. I decided that I liked this new kind be*erbut that I d stay in my sear in future.

::

:

we've e4plained discipline methods in more detail in More secrets of Happy Children.If you're having serious problems drugs, crime, etc. - a superb book called Tbugh Love gives very practical help plus parent support networks (see Reference.s on p. 136). The whole human race has been working out the discipline question for the last 30 or 40 years, so you're not arone. until this century children weren't much of a problem: two-thirds of them died; the remainder were seen as of little consequence unless they got to their teens and then they were classed as adults.violence was the standard means of control. These were the days when sevenyear-olds were sent down unventilated mines or stood at factory machines for ten-hour days. Childhood is looking up. In the 50s and 60s came the great era of letting children be special. Like all new movements, the pendulum swung a little too far, so that youngsters found themselves with the troublesome burden of being the most important person in the whole f"-ily.Needless to say, this wasnt very good for them either. Finally, the pendulum is settling in the middle. we are learning to give both soft love and tough love, and our kids are starting to calm down.

The a*sertlve

paront 77

s', that'.r the st.ry o' assertive parerrtirrg. It starts with thJ clccisi.rr that you rs_ a p;uc't havc rights, an,r ihat y'r"rr chilti lrrr* vour conrrcl (even though he o*rr. -"y ntuch quieter life for everyone, and a lot more time for fun.

It

# ffii:i:';ffiffitj gives'positive stroket'

is not threatened

makes clear, firm requests and demandr

by conflict negotiates more as children become

sets rules and carries

out the consequences

older and more capable

uses

Assertive

guilt,

sickness etc.

to get child to behave compares

child wirh

Manipulative

others etc.

uses put-downs to make children behave

shouts at children

hits child angrily

Passive

lfere are the four basic choices mothers and

withdraws torally gives in to all child's demands

allows child to misbehave

78'

.

ft

-e-.

lcqrst.-Ef h-anp.n rhildrgn

6$r"r- laye in deating with children - don't

use this chart to feel guilty about! Use it to remind yourself - .f have a choice!'.

The assertive panent 79

Arrotlrcr ( )l

l) wAy

.10 yc:rrs ;lg()

tlr;rt sct:rrrs to rr:rvt" lrt.t:rr irrt:rr.rrrlrry corrrrrrrls

wlri thc lrrrrtl p;rrrnt/!i()fl par.(rnt c:()lrrl)irrllti()rr -. wrrerr orc pirrurt tricd t
parenr being balanced,

I-ike everything else in parenring, you'll find a way rhat suits yorr. know you're gening it righr when your child says.That,.s

I:ll flir! Youre both

against

me!,- but doesnt

most of the timel

rrot seem too pu, ou, ahour rt

t!'?,',:n

KlDs ANt) lt()LrsllW()ltl{ * Il()w'l'()'l'liA(ll lLhls

I

l'()N sl tll l.t' I'Y

tlt'rt: rs;t ilcat way to rcclucc thc lttlttscworkyou havc tO clo'andhclp * y,,rrr ktds gct rcacly for adult life all at the same time! to hear of lrr Ar,rstralia kicls have it very easy-We are often ermerzed being cooked for v()url{ rclults - in their twenties - living at horneo A lot:of .,,,,t irnuing their laundry done by their ageing far3lfs! for theu A,'rri* tids dont grow up (that is, don't take responsibility is twenties'This early t)wu Lrre and feeding),trrtil ,hty are in their ! ,''l,ccially true of young men' Perhaps you are married to one ' Nicaragua' to Guinea New All around tirei*otta, from Nepal to are rt,s norrnal for young children to have responsibilities.They like many afluent ,,**rullu under *r,"nn t adult care (not neglected *"rr..,r children) but they have a daily round of chores lvtri.ctr tfreV is also time t:rrrv eut quite cheerftrlly and with obvious pride' There is that. in childhood itr pttt" course. The result of this *:tkilq. "i J-J;i'eurny oit !i "ottore of the world, childhood florvs smootlly *J .x*lfy,irrto adult life, How did we ever get th!:idea that childhood is a'waiting room'before real life begins? for selfCau we do a bette' job of helping our kids get ready giving.them is by_ sufficiency in adulthoodi Of .o,rrr. - and one way wark io io Y*u .*" it*t +u'v *"h have a small daily task, like putting out the are The tasks increase month-by month' Choose. tasks which ie$rl* "rrd u*ry, irr*l',;ng self-c111and some which contribute to ril ov* dnily w:e ,hy to;ur thelr cot*d sit the rablurt*yll1. *t*, fiuir- airhislto the sir,rk A* they- get older fol lill easily'be able fullow to think'of. tasks rvhich you can add on" ftemind them' md llo on them" and in oi*s limPlry el(pect thern to temernlet" Giw no big be proud of them, but don't go overboard - this is plir.

u-"*ffffiiillil,iii;L

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'/

.W m Jo

8$

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he *ecqqg o-f f;*ppp31 gftlldren

'*

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'-'

rh ir rrn*d" these days ;f,*stf:*tTu* XTd 'h* tTP"t*"o:r: :i inlPortant to oraisins and valuing kids and their efforts' It's more ;;;;*l-, that real-self-esteem comes from contributing'Withouttr get Unowing, their place, and having a contributi,on, kidl may vqs sc:l * idea,ll,lh3nt tioA' ofiVoung tblent; self-image a ballo1ned Dad will hc which the bif- world away frorn a doting Mum and sure to deflate. "Thel;lsstlttivt l)irl(!!l!

l!

I

'I'lrrr

..rstr,rl, 1',t.ttlrr.rlt'tl .tpl)r(),t(

lr

rrr.rk..s l.rtt.r rl.r1,.t.s 11t(

lt (..t\t(.1 'li't'rr;rge'ts'"vlto ltltvt'Irt't'tt lrt'llrilrg ()tlt l()l .tt l'rr11.ts flrt'y t,rrr ,....r(.rrl)('l'will rr.t lr:rve'tlrc r(:sirit:ul(rc t. p.llirrg t.lrt.ir wt,iglrt it wrll sirrrply l)c l1)tttitlc.Vru're airrrirrg fbr :r yorrrrg Pcrs()n wlro by thc ;rgc ol cightccrr is doing as nruch work arourrd thc housc as citlrcr purt.rrt. Cooking at least one family meal per week, being responsible filr serrrc other area of family care. If sharing tasks becween children, give tl-rcrrr . mixture of the ones they like, and enjoy, but also a proportion that :rrc less pleasant.Again you are aiming to be realistic - just as in adult lifl,. w:hat about study? Some adjustrnent may have to be made at dnrcs of exam pressure. But by and large, study and homework are simply t6ri,'day jobs', and shouldn't prevent them from making :r contributlon at home. psrnember, you are aiming for competence in all the basic areas of life - cooking, cleaning, laundry, care of animals, budgeting, time_ managefiLent, as well as negotiation and team-work! When your youngsters leave home, they'll do so fully equipped to look after themselves. In fact they'll probably leave sooner to escape all the work!

Fmrrrufity shffiPffi Dad? Whs's De.d?

ffi a

(n

ft

\*

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l)

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$fi

Tft* $€c{gt *-f hqPPY chi{dqen

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fl

Wlr;rt ('()lrrcs irrto yorrr rrrinrl wlrclr yotr lrcur tlrc worrl,'f lrrnily'? ()lder pcople woulcl cor{urc up a garlrcring of'-J0 or 4O peoplc = lunts, uncles, cousins and others. Relatives who vcry likely livecl in the same district and got together nrany times a year, if not weekly for Sunday dinner. what we call families today are not families ar all.we haven't hacl real families since the car was invented, and we became dispersed. The 'two-parent, three kids and golden labrador'family is only a piece of family - and that's why it doesn'r work very well. What's more, the picture above is changing, too. The average Australian family is now often either a single-parent family, or a recombined family with only one of the child's parents and a new Dad or Mum, probably with their kids. This isnt necessarily a bad thing, but it is making life very different. How does all this afbct your children? Well, we have discovered that the shape of your f"-ily is very important, and you can alter its shape to make it a good place to be. So read on!

Here then is the Steve Biddulph plan for government policymaking on families! Let's use an example. some people blamed all social ills on family breakdown: ''Where are you orf to, young Merv?' Just offwith the guys to steal a car, Mum!' 'W'e11, dont be late home!' Superficially, this is rrue, but what caused the families to break down? Have you ever seen the places where street gangs grow up? Or living conditions in Belfast or Soweto? Income levels are important to start with. Below certain standards of 'liveability', no one can raise happy children. Above a certain point, though, the need changes from material to human resources. Education, the development of community, ways to belong and participate and work together with others, emerge as the strongest needs for healthy family life. This, in dollar terms, is very cheap. A friend of mine organises self-help groups for people who've had breakdowns. If he keeps rwo people per year out of hospital, he pays for his own salary. In fact, he achieves much more than that. For thousands of years people lived in villages or small towns.

$.d lhe-c€srqt sf_h-eppy .rhildre-n

Wlrcrr rrro,l<.rrr t:itics bcgurr t() :tl)l)cur, llrotrt l(X) y('ilfs llg(), pcoplc still livctl pretty tttttclt itt tltc s:ttttc ttcigltlrottrllotlcl lts all tlrcir rclativcs' So tltc lirrrrily unit looked sorrtething like the illustration on the following page. As you can see, it's quite a gathering of people. And although ripres were hard, with people dying in wars and a lot of deaths in childbirth or infancy, this extended family unit was very suPportive. For example:

Mavis (who stayed single) loves kids, and so often has little for Doris, with the three Jenny to stay with her. This is good toyr. Ooris is often unwell and Mavis cooks and helps clean once or wvice a week. Enid's husband, Len, died in the war.Angus was born in 1'920, which could have caused a Gw problems, considering the war ended in 191,8, but, since Enid moved in with Wilf and Naomi, no one outside the family needed to know! Grandpa is a little over rhe hill and keeps waking up thinking the Boers are coming but,luckily, Branston, the youngest son, is staying on at home and looking after the farm' 'Wilfred doesn't like children and is often away, but Arthur likes children and so takes the boys fishing, playing cricket, and so on - so they dont miss out too badly'

The 24 people in this hypothetical family don't actually live together 1tft.i" are six households itt all) but it would be a rare week thlt they didn't all see each other at some time or other.The family unit was able to withstand wars, illnesses, deaths, Enid's 'flying

Scotsman'and various failings and foibles; and everyone belonged and was cared for. It was a hard time, but there was less uncertainty. For parents, this had definite advantages. Right was right and wrong was wrong' Ifyou werent everything your children needed, there were others to step in. you were never alone - there was plenty of advice, help and example. you got lots of practice with other people's children and your yoong., brothers and sisters before you started on your own' You choose not to have kids at all and still not be too lonely. .oold "rr.r There were lots of restrictions and demands, too, and not Inany of us would go back, even if we could, to that kind of extended f"*ily.But the good things that were there for parents - could we ever get those back? I think so, and would like to tell you how'

Failnily "shq.ps 8$

THn EXTENDED

Grandma's sisters Jane and Doreen (fane's husband Roy dec.)

Mavis never married

i'

FAMILY OF YEST'ERYEAIT

Grandma (had 9 kids 3 died in birth or infancy)

blter

Doris married

killed

Arthur

in.W\Vl

Grandpa 4 (helped)

ranston stays home with parents

Grandpa's

brother Cheswick (*if" Enid dec.)

married Len (died

ilfred married Naomi

vrwl)

I

l I

I kids

Angus kids

Neville

Je*y Jeftey Albert

kids

Sophie Emma Faith

Hope Desmond

r "\ -&

/\ '-/. .) (.

'/'

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8_6

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{he secret -efj1gppy5hildrsq

Famlly rhape Ql

Yotr

d'''t

lravc

t.

lrc rclatccl -.iust c-onnrittccl

[,etls takc thc krrrclicst rrrotlcrn

finrily:

thc, sirrgle parer)t

with onc 9r

two young children. (So'rc woulcl arguc that there is an evcn

lonelier combination: the unhappily family, the reason so many people go back to being single.) 'r.arried What is missing? The grandparents may not live close by: we -o". "borrt so much these days. There may not be other adults who are interested in the kids the uncles and aunts. There may be no father figure to play wirh and be a back-up in discipline and decision-making (ifyou,re a single Mum). There may be no woman to handle'girl's stuff', go to the school during the day to see teachers, or share in disciprine and decisionmaking (ifyou're a single Dad).

lsct'rgj

1141792essrZ I

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til[G

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'l'hcrc lt)ly ll()t llc other kitls to plly wit,ll or slfb pllces otrtsitle the housc or flat for thc kids to go. when really hard things happen there's no-one to talk to that you can rearlly trust or who will help you materially, just because you're'family'. But the fact that all of these things are not available doesn't mean that they may not be found. For instance, some old people really like kids. Might it be possible to find some'grandpersons'who live nearby, who could become part of your family? crou paint their ceiling, they mind your kids!) There are other single parents' or not-single parents, dying of loneliness very close to you. Do you think people really go to Tupperware parties to buy plastic bowls? They go for something to d", and someone to talk to. other parents are dying to talk to you. you can find out about groups that have been started in the community. Playgroups are really just like Sunday afternoon at join Grandma's place, where kids can play and parents can talk and in. courses run by adult education centres are good meeting places and very friendly. Schools, kinder, infant health centres, environment gym, churches - choose whatever suits your style' groups, " Iti very hard work, and if you move you have to start all over again. Nonetheless, you can actually -"k. yourself an extended'' family if not for your own sake, then for your children's' There's another part of family shape that is very important, even if your family is the official two adults and two-and-a-bit kids' when you started out as a couple it was simple. There were just the two of you, and you probably had a good time'

the qirls af

rryork

th, f"nnaoe chap who nov,s flfu. [a*n

Y,r;Pai:1^y:;:';ff:;::s:rbj,f;ba.6ecue anl his kids,'+he fe[ht u,

fl',e street wh, lak" lhu hds +o |he cricket, lhe ol4 lady, next door neighbours

"Tlo 88 |he

Aus+rolian Exfende4 {avn1l7 of

qsglslt sf happy,shildrsn

+h" Fut,lre ./

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F"umlly"

phape 89

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r

'l'lrerr, wlrcrr kitls werc ;trlrletl irr, it rrriglrt lr;rvt. strrr-tcrl to get t'ornplicutcrl. Muny llrrrrilre.s firrtl thcrrrse lvc.s c.lrrrglrt in one .rt'these 'shlrpc:s':

'l'lresc. urc nrrttrr:rl ulignrrrcnts firr tlrc fhrrtily frottl tiltte to titttc, llttt rlrcy lrc bacl ncws il they bcconre the norrnal shapc of your fanrily.

what we have found in hundreds of families seeking help is that tlrc closeness of the parent-couple is uery irnportant. Kids seem to grow up rnosr easily and happily when Mum and Dad are affectionate and rnrerested in each other - to such a degree that the children could not come between them, even if they tried (which they do!)'

fr,N,

" th"y

-'r"

MAKnd

{

lon"9

*N,4-

(E\

w' \^/

Yo1v,e probably experienced all three at some time. And with more kids, the combinations can get even tougher:

(ind

one eSpert became famous for saying that the best sex education in the *orld was for Dad to give Mum a pinch as he walked past her

in the kitchen, and for Mum to obviously enjoy it!Al1 the rest, he said, I'm sure it was just so much plumbing! In the interests of non-sexism, Dad!). (Mum pinching *oid be just as good the other way around Kids actuallyi""- to gain reassurance from the fact that parents not allowed to interrupt. If you spend time together and th"y "r. li".r.rt been iri the habit of doing this (so that the kids have first call

9o rhq peqlct sf happy_lhildrsq!

funllv thepe

9,1

()t y()t cvct wrrell y()rr .11' t:rrkrrg r-

sltorrltl s<.t :rlrorrt to lrrle.rk tlr" lr,rtrcni. l)roblcrrrs s(,cnr r() lrisr. wlrr.rrever,

aIr":'::':,-::H:,,Ijl*: parent seeks aff '

a

*l,h

a

y()rrr 1r;rrtrrt.r) rrrrtr

Bur wHAT IF You'RE A sINGLE MUM? Single pnrenthood hes both advantages and-drllfvlntr$es'.Tfe differing;tandards, u.tui'noi.* are that you dont have to put up with, bo1! Separated th3 .'onfli.i between parents' and so on'You're On the other rnothers have often-told us that life is a lot smoother' do rc bv rtata"i vourself' Let's uo" di,c'pline, i;'*;;,nt"*

child againsr rhc \/!rrlr othcr p:rrc,rr; o l"rr(-rll; approval fronr a c,hilrl. pr

breferenro *^ preGrence to, or ^-,__-lt'j":,1"d instead od his

;rl;;;;"r.,

l^:l1".is

forced inro a parenr role too ofren, for exanrplc,

for

oth.er-childrenf::::^:: :,"*parents' decisions. that are really

or

;;;,

of

decisiorrr

';;;es

well-meaning relarive rell a nine= lm*1'::^:1....,t" 1.T." justdie;"'hil?ffi ;"#1,'l,T:'; ffi;:i::J:Y5'i:"?:t':had -T.::Y::.1-t1k:11'joryou,Lo,h.".*;;,;"rii"f.'il1i,

r,"X

i:i:"^Lj*,.ni

a,,d

;;

;;;;.;;'t"."::4ffi; ;l

j*y':: :,h:*1, 1 n' ?1..1: which lyi.;,ffi may apply to .1': you and ylur.titar.rr.

.

nffi:' ilil ol' f

In a single-parent family, kids are happier when their parent has a close, affection"i. ,.trriorrrt rp *itt another adult. 'whether it is their. natural parent o, ,ror, or whether the other adult is the opposit. ,.* o'r.""i, J..*t marter greatly; whar

matters is that their parent is happily supporred by at least one special'other, adult.

Children suffer

if

conflict is ongoing, but they also suffer in marriage breakups.The. researcrrl, o', ,rrrr. c"rpr., owe it to themselves ".-ry'a.r, get good counselling and help to .to work on rheir difficulties. ill ;;;;, have rough patches _ don't panic. (Jnless your partrr.i i, violent, addicted, chronically dishonest, or totaliy ,.frr", to communicate, your chances of improving ,hi"g, But it

"rl ".rrg""a.

A

couple recentlv appeared

divorc

e.

Th e

thesl veals They replied,

,

.'UTr

as

"t'

,r**rro-b"abiologicalo"edfotsomeboychildrentoexperience until they ;;"* .orrfli.r, *J*U" firmly and ftequintly conrrolled ;;;;1;;;;., tt'"i, ,ou'g'i; a*d rebellion and so get along. with

;;;;;t;.'Put ,"lax

simplv,

*i't.t.,rp *U.o

**t

* fight' and onlv acto"Ilv seem to like these' a times At you gi* it so them'

thfi

father would come in handY' I

ffi

i i'ft

f

a

why did you t"' sray together all thr:se years?' asked the

Ar*v.*

.hiil;;;;,i;;l Tfu-q.

li

;;;1;;;

;;";."d,.r'#ra;ffi,,#.r#

.,,

'Because,'said the couple, .we wante, d

92

il

kids are growing up, itb necessary to'lean on'thern brtng the nee{ with a lot of ,o.ogtt and persistence'You can see J1 At just tiring' gets it rt"*, rJ yo.r, ,"tt" and theirs"but nara for single mothers'to manage' It ."rt"in ages boys .specially as

rakes work_

Family Court to obtain **'** ;*;; ;;.;a'i,, irr_ eishtv_" ;,.

stand each otherl'.

Judgc in

in the

'*

krok at this.

s,esy$I.s.{ heppy ctu{ldre$

to wait until the

Famlly rhape 93

ll r, t ttr.. lrl., Lrtlr, r,,,,, ,r,,1 ,,,..,t. .... ,,ir,,,r, r)(,rr, ()r

wr,r(,,'r:,;l'

a

.lot

of

energy, because

this hardness, bLrt

it wi,

i, ar.*, on the male liking

1or

which she will not find so readily available. A singkr .:r11b*r..1,"ss, rnother will need to practise and acquire ,orrghn.rr, ,"J1, dL ,n.'rr,,," trrc sa tirn,e nor r:r: n:r compassion p.r.._rrffililrru Lots of single parents have",ra told us that orice rhey know rhis, it makes things less mysti$zing and overwhelming * they just learn to 'change gear'.

\o

\r

"['t

tti'l'liN MlNLl'l lis

'T'IIAI' (IAN SAVI YOUR- MAI{I{IA(;H

,,1...1.;::

;1,.,,"'",, _,. ,1",',','l::l:, ;,:: rlr, l)1.()vr(l(' f;rtltcr-rng, urrtl ;r rrr:trr ..,,,, ;..r,.,ru;.1,, uro{lrr,r.trr11.,l,ltt. lt.ssorr rl.tlrt: Ii'rrrirrist cra is cle.r.* w()llrcu ,,,,.r r,,.,, ;rr(i'()1. s'rrirli,rt.rt. A w()'rar can do anythi'g a nran carr do, arrcr vir:c vc:rslr (wit.rr s,rrrt. biologicar exceptions!).The differenr:e 'bvious is, thor-rgrr, trrar .' rrrrrrr will often find it easier,.less against ,t . grrin, to be totrgh on kicls. A mother raising kids alone c^n nrluste,

. takl

(loLll't.li'l'lMli!

,l,l::i],,l

the best tirlc? llke to turn the worst time of the day into warmth' friendship and relaxafion in W
W,rultl

yor-r

,i*rirrg

motivaticn left!!

we DO get synchronised as Therefore, we need' to make sure that follows: soon as we can.The way to do this is as "i. sit down, and take a few home, both are you t*ett A* ,oo* as doing this " ' minutes out together'And while you're 2.EAT!F{avesomeconvenientbutsubstantialsnackfood_salami, with body in it to fill the nuts, cheese, fruit, fruitcake, something Next step is " ' hungry gap and give some instant energy' are o'ften the only ones 3. KIDS TO ONE SIDEI Children' who teafirne' have to stay who do score arly tinre and attention around roorn' fine * if not' send out of the way If they can da this in the come' Be tough on this them out of the room' Their turn will one! Ic's onlY ten minutes'

If you drink alcohol at all'make this the time for it'A snacks' will heip you wine, beer or sherry, together with the

4. DRINK. single

your body know this is ,"pidfy s[p out of the day's tensions and let winding down time' you do' k'e sure to talk about good 5. - TALK only if you want to' Ifold tft** n""id completely the competition couples.play.-,called .-W.hoHadtheworstDay?JEithertalkpositively,orsitquietlyand enjoY just being there'

W4 The gqqre*

t*S

$tqpp+

*fu$$dy*u.l

ffamilIy *haXre

WS

S.rrr y'r1r'll lrt'r.ttrt'rr r'rr.rrgrl t() w;rlt to

s(1r

(), witll

tlte

rrre who

lreen abscnt all .ay. you,ll fincl thrt fl
marriages.

Itt

as

simple

as

that. Give

it

a go!

AAA +1fl /

AAAfiI{./

I

,ooa ); ('

\

\\

$&

Y{"ce

secqqr p$ itppgej' qki{dreg!

AAR6H,/

7

rrre

cvt:nrrrglr ;rr.tivitrr:s -- y()r.t (,;nl corlk a nl()rc lcist-ncly rrr.,nl, sincle yog irrc lro l'rrgc:r dcspcr.tery rrtrngry, or: rrc witll tlrs kids if y*r are

Agffis r ffid.s&ffiffi,

Do you mean this is normal? ....

F

liirls

r/rr r lr;rrrge ;rs

tlrcy gr.w. wrr;rtis (() s;ly t. ;r tlrrcc. yc.ilr ()r; 'igrrt r.rrltl lrc wr()rr{ to ri,y t. u scvc.rr-yt.lr-'lrl, urcl dif}i.rcrt,rgliirr fhrrtt wlr;rt yrtr w,rrltl tcll, .r rcquilg of, a teclrager. A' idea of stager hclps y.tr to krr'w what should be goi'g on at a particular age, and how best to reactstages explained in this chapter are adapted from a book .The called Self Esteem: A Family AlJiai;, by Jean Illsley_Clarke (see References,p.736, for details). Ive-discussed them with thousands of parents and the most frequent response has been 'Aaaaahhh! That,l exactly right!'and, sometimes,,If only wed known!,.

The stages of child development 0*5 rnonths: 6-18 months: 18

months{

Can I trust thete penpJe? Explore! yearsl

3*6 years: 6-12 years: 12*18 years:

Learning to think. Other people. I did it nly *w-L Getting ready to leave.

Let's look at them in more detail.

Can

.r.reswillllrirrghelp'Ac.hiltlwlrtlislrlwlrysfcdllcfirrr,.its:rysith what it wrtttts latcr in lifi" Irrrrrgry tttay have: tn'ttblc krlowitrg to it' looking at ilrrrngitg and cuddling the baby' rnaking noises a happier, brighter ch,ild who rrs facc and srniling, "u ir"r.. for more easily' Massage has been *rbsequently sleeps,?eds and learns with amazing speed! (Stand well rorrnd to cure .orrrripri"a babies t lcar!)

cultures are carried Notice how babies from many of the wiser One Balinese tradition is the first ruround in slings "J ""'rybags?bablr - it does not take place until the .setting down to .oth,of "'r".i, childissixmonthsold.Beforethisitisneveroutofsomebodybarms! Wewouldfindthisr",t'"'unmanageablebutit'sworthsomethought'

Explore the world! 6-18 months

you' the- child begins to This is the time when, at no charge to educatehimsel{!Flemovesoutintoth"big'beautiilwo1ld'tasting' in sight' eating everything

gr"bUing, pushing, carrying,pulling' a you can save yourself enormous amounts of energy by creating you dont need to be always yotrt house'::

fi* zonelt somewhere' postpone the new high up saylng 'don't'-prrt ttt ""'"o to wander in peace (your$' wallpaper and your child will be free \

saJe,

child-proof

I trust these people? 0-6 months

The human baby arrives like a being from another pranet. Its first thoughts and feelings are pretty blurry, but ',r.ry much to they do with: "r. 'Am I saG?' ''Who's gonna feed me?, ''What happened to my waterbed?' 'Those people look nice. How can I keep them around?, 'What's that yucky feeling I'm sitting in?, It is no-use making demands of the or criticising it, since ".*youu"uy, it is srill- just'taking tl i"'.rt needs ro guess its needs (to be changed, Gd, cuddled, {burped, carried aroundj since it has no way of telling you what it wanrs. It's important that you don't ignore its cries for herp, since it will learn- to become passive and depressed if ignored ior long. Itb equally important to ret it start to cry heartily fo. -o-ent or rwo, so that it learns that it can do something to " get its needs met, that its sS- Ths q.qrye.r

*f

trnqpp3

ch!{dfe{

Agrr rnd rtsler ?l

It

F

Tnn axpLoRrNG srAca cons wRoNG ln the r:ricl*I970s, I

was a very incxperiencecl psychor.gy graduetc, who kncw m,ore about rats than about children. I began work as a school Guidance ofhcer. My role, according to my superiors' was to take children who, teachers felt, were rt.rpia. t *"r quaint litrle tests and then tell the reachers how _r: ldmils1er stupid these chrldren were.This was su-pposed to be help{irl. I don't really blame my superiors for devising thi, role. Being responsible for the psychological well-being of 3000 .ttitot*n in nine schools was daunting, and the little tests gave one it:o,r,n$,thihS concrete to do. eclae*' ro,d' ro#et#'# tle'#el rui, *UU6111l#l[[[lt-, r recruited and trained morhers to coach kids who had fallen u"hi"a in reading. I gave talks to teachers about self-esteem. I listened pariently to harassed parents. one day, I went on a home visit to the mother of a boy who was acrrng up at school ,Th; io*. *r., ".r, in the country and looked rather tl'rn dowr. I took offmy rie before gorng in I talked rather ,*f.*r.A, *rrf, the boyt Mum: she looked very old and rired. On ttr. *rrr; dusty lino in the kitchen where we talked, a toddler r"t lookiog d"Uy ; us. There was not a Lego block or Dinky Toy in ,igh, i;";rir";"p ; time the child tugged open a cupboard and pulred it the utensils inside. The mother would srand up, rebuke the child, stam the cupboard door and continue talking. As I drove home, I felt angry and helpless. ffrat tvtuml id", of , good toddler was a ,il.rrt, rtilioddler. I l*.* th"r *il;;;r"yr;; play with and without encouiagement to play, or toot books or "t hear stories - that child, too, *o,rtd b. o' tir. Guidance officer's list before many years had el"psed:'surp..t.d mentally J.qrirri

r

children at this age need to be free of demands to perform, such as sitting up primly, being cute, or being toilet rrained (the sphincter muscles that control your childt 'outlets' are not yet sufticiently developed for full control). Physically, toddlers can be tiring, so this is a good age for you ro start getting breaks of a Gw hours yourself, to rest and do your

l,cartrirrg to think

- I tl tnotrthslt.'s3 eycars gO
N.,w tlrc clriltl rs st.rrting t.() us.j r(:lrs()nrlg. "f'he-kitten gets scared whctr yott '.rntplt' cxphtratiortt ft"'tl'i"gs: her gently'' ,,i,,1'.r" hcr.l'll show you ho* to stroke to say"No' I don't le""'ittg ;;;; ;"gtr and Vrr.rr child l, 'the "l'o age called by to-" people w:rnt to,' 'I don't care'' Tttiis is the sticle"t limits' rt'rrible twos'. p"'"ot' *i]l need to must remain firm ' ' ' and The child will test these' The parents lirru ... and firm' really important and what Wbrk out ahead of time what is child will sometirnes want to be tkresn't matter,,o '"'"" """'gy'The again' tt"" ;;;';i back to being very dependentand r'clependent the is natural' "na the cspecially if a new ffi ""iots :1 '""""'Thit if its needs are met' ,,trrta wit soon'grow up'again

Other People - 3-6 Years

from playng alongside age when children clearly move It helps if there are pf"yitt g with other children' other childre,t 'o also the time of endless questions: other childr"n ,o tl'* tii't'' t't why again? *t.tti why? how? what ifi why not? and ears off' think of this as language

'fhis is the

When they're chattering your the money you're saving in remedial development time, ""d toJ"t later in life! tuition and expensive school fees a good idea' are particularly Teasing or ridicule by parents',":"-"t is ielarning how to be one of unheipful at this "*tl*ilJ" 'tt" :1t11 withdraw' the human race and may easily

yyfb'"y fo,wftn viole r\ce

ien

.

t'ears .t

EuI vouv' honoctv^-

iii lfst u 1t^{", I, 't)^"g;25 *hrolgh

{/ \\\'\

exploring!

3SS

fhe

c*cqe&_qf fueppy sfuildre_lx

Agor rrnd rtager lt!

!

/

li.rrrt,rsy ;rntl rc.rlity rrcr.tl lo lrc t.lt.;rrly scp;rr.rtc(l: lx)rlr ;rt'e okilf, lrrrt yotr rrr.t.rl to krrrlw tlrt.rlilti..rc.rrr.c..

I did it my wilY! 6-12 Ycars

to twclvc-yclr-olcl to rtltviglttc tlrc wgrlcl r:f school, friends, and life generally, is his or hcr knowlcclgc ()f' the way things work and the 'rules of life'. These rules can be 'lf :ruything from 'If I share rny toys with her she'll be my frield' to raincoat I'11 get wet, and might get a cold and r'iss I ion't iake

Wlrlt

'l'rn a monster!' 'You're good at pretending to be Growl! Giggle!

a monster!,

rrrake:s

possitrlc ftrr a six-

it

-y

out on going ice skating'. Parents will help by being firm on those rules that are important, but negotiating and compromising on those that are negotiable.The child thus learns the give-and-take skills that make up so much of adult life. Challenging and arguing with the child, especially if you are not clomineering but genuinely interested, will help the child refine her or his thinking abilities and better understand other people's needs. Selfcare by parents is essential so that they can continue this challenging and hassling while maintaining warmth and good humour'

Clear requests for appropriate behaviour can be made and are best phrased specifically and positively:'pick up your .rr, no*' rather than'Don't be untidy'. Vera is the sort of parent who makes you feel like being a little

kid. Are you imagining it, or does she a*ually ,*".llld; homemade scones? Shet also quick_minded and frrr_oro*, *J able ro pur a young psychologist in his place. I decide ftb b;il in this workshop to learn from her tt t y to teach h.r, "" sure enough I do.Vera recounts how her "rrj eight_year_oH,;;;,

Getting ready to leave

had developed, ever so gradually, a remper Jrat had b..;;;; problem to him and to other people.After one particulr Uo*_ up of Dalei, Vera had given the matteruo*. .*-firl thought, and then set about a profound and original cure.

age of moving seem (or perhaps you're glad?) this away from family, and moving in again, and away again, practising for the real jump into adult life. Although the child does not yet actua\ leave, his interests and energies are increasingly outside the family.

Hard

She took down an old dusry alburi ,ifb*iy phoros (nevcr before seen by the children) and she and Dale ioot.a throug;

Cr"rt Urr.t. Alf

;.;;; looked with fascination at the"rj_*l;, weathered

faces *rra

he was

cousin

il";;.

clothing sryles, whileVera provided the narrarive,,Afi_", bloke, but very stubborn;Grandfather had quite

,rr.i.rr, ,-g";a

",r;;;;;il;

a boy, so they say'. There was a pause as Dale *orrd"r.J where this was leading. Vera jusr t.rrrr.d ,h. p"g"r.;il;; happened with his temper, Mum?, .Oh, he;"r, gr.*-;r,

*

suppose. Look, here's his cricket team

it may

Three important things are happening:

The teenager moves forward like the tide - in waves, in and out. One minute he is independent, another wanting to be fed and nursed. one minute he is impressively reasonable, another rebellious and argumentative. Knowing that this will happen makes it easier to handle. Despite the waves, the tide is making

n, ,

. . ., Soon the other children came in, andVera left them with the photos, and went to get the tea. Dal*, loflcooor*, ,fr"o*1, fr" could be firm at dmes, never lost his remper Hrj,rrr?;

out of it, I suppose.

as

parents also need to have their own interests away from parenting, so that they are not tempted to dominate or be overirrrrolr.J*ith their child's world, or to use their child in place of adult company.This is particularly important for single parents. Some parents feel resentful that this is just a taxi-driving stage which reflects more on our pubiic transport systems (or lack thereof) and the dangers of our streets at night than anything else. Taxi-ing at least provides a good opportunity to talk'

*.-;-U..t, pointed out the various family prr;;;.;";,

Grandfather Les when he was a boy, Derek, where they had li.,.d

- L2-I8 years is the

"g"ro.

progress. ^se"uality i

,:

A young person needs to hear that sex is good, that sexuality is welcome and healthy, and that it carries is blossoming.

.i

l

tQ* Tke

sgsqeg n_f beppy g-$a{fufren

i

I

tl

Agner anrd

stngus 103

.

s()rne decision-making responsibilities. Parents will not act s(.1luctively, or respond to seductiveness from the young person. 'l'lre break is going to come. Some young adults move out easily :rrrd slowly, but most dont!You can recognise that the young pcrson may need to create and maintain disagreement in order to create the energy to break loose. Don't take this too personally. Like giving birth, releasing young adults is a little pa;Lnfulbut well worth the trouble.

THE DoPEY TIME Around thirteen years of

age, most teenagers

go through a phase of

dopeyness.What is happening is that the puberty hormones

^^ "rng are just cranking up, and the sudden growth spurt begins to fisorganise their nervous system. Look for the signs - a normally very careful boy knocks over the sugar bowl. A glrl goes to school with one sock. They are frequently found about the house standing ir.a,.daze., cot. ll'o ing. .hUre th l,. weie, goih$ sxr 1* 0,' Irr, *fiott, :

a

cornPetent t*elve-year-old

suddenly becomes a hopeless and helpless thirteen. , r ,1f,1q$fi1d{in"r k{row ebo,ut,this srage, you might get very irritated, or think that all your efforts have Ssgn wasted! But be patient and

Una .- they really can't help it.The stage usuallY lasts only a few months, and all you can do is maftage them along, draw lists, help them with their homework. Don't nag too much. It's also a nice gentle phase, when you can be close and affectionate. Soon

they will be into the fighting fr:urteens, so enjoy this stage while

it

lasts!

{.tt: t

$ d'

KnTs AND Most kids

THE GREAT DEBATE

,". n lot ofTV

In fact, the average chird now spends much more hme in front of TV than they spend at school! Not just the time spenr, but also what is watched is a concern. A child ly ther, mid-teens will have seen tens of thousands of viorent incidenrs, and thousands of deaths, portrayed in cartoon and rearisric form and this is only in children's viewing hours. The exposure ro violence and cheap life values is the most frequent concern about TV watching by kids. The next is what ir stops-kids from dorng - it rakes dme up which they would normally spend running, jumping, playing, t"lkirrg,..rdirrg and beine crearive _ if they werent beguiled Uy ttre hypnodc flow oithe TV ,.L.r,. a farenll ask you to rry just one thing - ro warch your , . .tt*:* kids as they watch TV you may find it a ri*le .hillir,g ro ses the slightlt open-mourhed, blank-eyed srare which kids develop after a time.They are ilearly in an'altered state'- never, in any area of life will you see children so passive and absorbent. By comparison, when reading books, their minds work vigorously as they imagine what the up. Driving in the car, playing in the yard, going to a loUs lnjure crrcus' they ar€ animated and interactive,'chewing up'the world with their min&. But in front of theTV they soon drift into that old stare again, the active part of their brain is'our ro lunch'. Have a look for yourself, and judge whether you like what you see. t"ulq chiUrl are parricularly affected by what they see on the screen.'We once had a fuur-year-old staying at our house, and he carne in for a cuddle before bedtime.'we were watching a comedy rhow, and a sketch came on in which an ET:rype crei'turei hand ctme out of a cupboard, rejected some chips, and some lollies, but grabbed the child and pulled it in - then burped! It was subtly done, with no real drama *just wry adurt humour.I glanced at the childi fice though just to check, and noticed his jari *,.;a;;;; okay, Ben?'

@)

TV -

".f

'Go away!' 'What are you an,gry about?' 'That boy got eatcnl' * with which he startecl to cry, and wc spcnt il go'cl fivc nri'utcs cornfurting hiru ancl trying to rlmkc righr of'ths irrciclcrrr. wr. wcrt:

T"lev,si on

)'r,"lf

his varbal

inrr^outly

"roo'9A ' t'n AKE 54 rr!

"r

to be in effect a half-hour ad fbr toy figures or accessories? Are the ads all for junk food or overpriced fad toys?Wouldn't it be cheaper if yourTV got stuck on the ABC? News * dont mistake the newrs for educarion. It is actually a form of entertainment - and often gives a distorted and unrealistic view of the world. Itt not suitable for primary aged children, and we don't think in its present form it does much for adults either. Watching the news can make you paranoid and depressed - and illinformed about the world we live in.

Advertising

- are the shows produced by toy companies

What about educational TV? Research has found that Sesame Street and similar programs work much better if parents watch alongside their children, ftom cime to time, and sing the songs ot comment on ihe characters, and help their kids'participate'with the program - in this way avoiding the -glazed-eye syndrome once again. The makers of the program deliberately lace the program with subtler humour and ironies to interest adult viewers. They also have rock stars and other celebrities as guests to ensure that parents will turn the show on and occasionally watch it with their kids.

In surrrmary There are lots of bright spots in kids'TV PlaySchool has remained enormously popular for toddlers because the presenters don't talk down to kids, but TO them, in such a way that kids will often hold conversations with the TV! lnspedor Gadget must owe part of its popularity to having a srnrt, capable girl child. Many parents now restrict what their kids watch in quanriry and quality.They allocate an hour per day and negotiate which programs. This encourages children to plan, be selective, and savour 'their' endless stream. p*grrrn rather than just *"t.tti"g "" More and *ot* p"ot ts are deciding no have no TV on at all 'till th"i, tia, are of school ,g. O, only a-f**.horen nature videos as l special treat to give Mum and Did some free time!

you noriced

how some adults have really pleasant loices? And lave that some children also have merodious, clear tones that are a

pleasure to listen to? And have you arso noticed that there ,, ,ro,trtrrg harder on your ears than a kid who is always whingeine anj whlning. Talking through their nose? AAAAAWWW"WfXiWW

Mutrhhhhhtrhmmmmmm? Did you know that rhe tone of voice we use as ad,{ts or kids - is *i*ply a habit? Not just a habit of voice, but also of anirude to life! Yh"ls comes &om the 'helpless' part of us trrat wants others ro fix everghing, that is never satisfied, that loves to comprain. whenever we talk with a whinge, we wrll feel this way too.'Whingeing kids, if uninterrupted, will grow into whingeing adults. @ehind .rr..f ,rrggr.,g

.rrusbancl or moaning wi is a parent who gave in to a whinger,) But whingeing and whining can be stopped overnight! Herei ho*l.. ' tt:, undersrand how the partern srarts. It\ simple Ir1child lT._* asks us for somerhing, first of all quietly, th.n loudly. 31ough.A We say no, or else ignore them. They ,h.r, *orr. into phase r-o I they rev up into fullscale whining. Itt probably accidental at first

j::,

-

by chance a rone of voice that we jusr can,t ignore! {scover we will of.ten grve-in to them,just for some peace and quiet.6"for* you know it - you have a whingeing kid. ,.h_.y

So what do you do?

I.TELL'Ef Nexl trle

rhey start whingeing ar you, make direc eye ihem straighr our -,LJse a normal voice please,. Ik Find ^ ::1rT_T:i Hg\M 2 out if they actuaily know how to ,pe"k TSA:H'EM in a lower sounding voice - firm, but deeper in note. frv rir.* out until they get it right. Demonstrare for rhem so they can hear what you mean. 3' MAKE IT srICK. start the campaign. whenever they whinge

you for anything, say to them ,lJse a normal voice,. you

at

are

getdng them to realise that whtrritrglil not ncrm*l * fer them, or anyone else. Make sure that they get what they are asking for only by asking more positively.

fitl

Of course, if thry g9r ro $slrnd like the Queent.NewYear speech, don't give in to them if ir doesn't suit you - they srill have to learn to take no for an answer.'I liked the way you spoke when you asked me for a biscuit, but I'm sorry you'll have to wait for dinner.'

"' "i"n'r 'r".'t "' ,,',..,;"''t'r l ffi'ttt w

ffim#rgy * ffimd furuw tm kffi\r@ ilt

Good news : your children need rvou healthy and happy. d

I once lived for a time in a coastd village of Papua New

Guinea.

Children there did not live with their own parents but moved about from house to house as they wished! Ten-year-olds could be seen carrying babies or tending cooking fires. By fourteen they were doing adult work with confidence and pride. As the newest and most interesting thing in the village, I had a dozen or so kids sleeping on my veranda.When tropical diarrhoea struck in the small hours of the night, I had to pick my way out through a carpet of small brown bodies!

lt occurred to me that this would be an easy place to be a parent since the work and pleasure of parenting was shared by the whole village. In fact, any adult who was present was a parent. In our society, parenting is not shared, and it's not safe for small children to move about the community. It's easy to feel, then, that you have to become'Superparent'and somehow meet by yourself all the needs of your kids for entertainment, education, love and affection, food, drink, safety, clothing and cleaning. If you re the one who stays at home with thc kids, you feel overdomesticated and housebound and yearn for adult \\.company. If you're the one who goes out making the money, you feel like a workhorse, with too little home and family in your life. It's litde wonder that many of us, especially when we have trvo or more children under five, are almost permanently exhaustecl, irritable and in borderline health. When we feel well, and in good company, and healthy and rested, we can give to our children and enjoy doing it. But when wc feel tired, sick, lonely and overburdened, there is a point at which kids become a threat, a competitor in the struggle for survival.Tlris condition can easily be dangerous, to you, your marriage and tlrc safety of your kids.

Overstretched parents eventually reach a point at which they c:rrr parent no longer. It is vital that you learn to take care of yoursclf, only then can you parent well. Your kids need you happy lrrtl healthy.This brief chapter will tell you how to be and stay that wlry.

.We

I

all need'fuel'

often talk with parents who don't understand why they lren't coping. They expect superhuman perfornrllnce without rcalisirrpi thlt wc hurnan beings neecl 'fucl'. Wc clon't just rurr orr footl: w,'

need 'energy'

with others.

in the form of rove, recognition, touch and talking

Every person you talk to or meet either takes energy away from you or gives you energy. That's why we speak of soile people

as

being'draining'. It's also the reason we dread certain p.opti ringing us up, or drive for an hour just to see a special friend who makes us feel good. Kids can give energy back to us, but for the most part it is right and proper that we recharge them- However, when *. lr. their only source of refuelling and we dry up on them, something is bound to

happen.

Think for a moment. Where is your energy tank right now as

you are reading this book?

E

Is this where you usually keep it? Are you always ,running on

empty'? we ofien treat our bodies as we treat our cars: ten dollars, worth at a time, bald tyres and long overdue for a tune_up! You might like to look at the people i' youi rife and consider how they help or hinder you, fuel ].r.r.,r"r. Sometimes people realise that their'friends' are simpry 'stealing' energy and giving nothing back. Time to find some new frienJs! e.oii. who were once good for us (including parents!) may now be a source of only negative feelinp.You can, if you wish, change the way you interact wit! pgople so that you move to positive instead. 'Hello, dear,I ve had a dreadful week!, "*.h"rrg., 'I've had a good one. Let me tell you about it.' '(iod, there were so rnany problems at the ofiice today., 'wcll, I c<>uld listerr wlrilc- y.u tell nre about the'r. or woulcl you prcfer to pl;rrr orrr l)cxt lrolitl;ry?'

It's a neat strategy and, carried out with good humour, benefits both parties. 'With a group of cwenty young parents, I once spent a couple of hours listing the ways that parents can'refuel their tanks'.'We came up with quite a few good ideas.

. . .

.

. -. . . .

. .

Get a babysitter.

Learn to be boring to your children so they leave you in peace for a while. Spend 10 minutes with your partner when he or she comes home from work: exchange good news or just be together. (If the kids can sit quiedy, they can be there; if not, send them into another room.) Spend half an hoar of full-attention time with children each day, instead of hours of begrudged half-attention. Let children pian and look forward to what they want to do with you in theirhalf-how. Learn to switch of in a conrfortable way, so that you relax and think nice thoughts as you do housework, commute to work, or whatever. Cook food sometimes the way you like it instead of always eating kids'food. Play your rnusic. Spend plenry of time with other parents. Be clear about what you are asking of your partner: affection, sex or just company.Tiy to meet and understand each other's needs as they arise. If you usually just talk when you're tense, try massage.If you usually just touch, try talking. On a regular basis, do one activity that is not concerned with being a parent but is an adult-satisfying actiuity, just for you.

Flave a good escapist book to unwind with at bedtime or mid-afternoon.

W C. t)

' . ' ' ' .

use all rhe kinds of supporr and help around: neighbourhood houses, child health cenrres, fitne-ss clubs (esiecially the friendly, non-commercial kind), sports, pl"ygroup, creches, parent effectiveness classes. "rrd (Jse a creche or babysitting ,self_time,, cooperative for instead of only for rushing around the shops or to a job. Le-arn that'Messy Is Beautifur'and give up 'dJy house,ideals for a few years. (You can always leave a vacuum cleaner by the door and say to visitors,,g:.,I was just about to start cleaning up!,) Flave kids' areas of the house, where valuable things"are not around and sufaces and furniture are easy to clean.ihi, ,",oes the wasted energy of a thousand,donts'a day. Flave tidy and beautiful areas of the house (even if it,s only your bedroom) where kids arent allowed to go _ so that you have somewhere nice to be. Talk, solve problems,_ figure out plans in the lounge room, sitting down, face to face, wirh the kids our of th. #ry. Don t make bed the worrying place. Bed is for better p.r.por., ,t that. "r,

When some newborn babies .meet,their mothers, they do nor bond well, and changing and feeding are a "r";;;;r*, bahy and moiher are-rense .oa irrt nppy. One hospiral -ilr-,,, introduced a program for rebonding which o U*r"Ufrf sirrplicity, end symbolic of the whole parenting process. The staff realised rhat morher and baby were caught in a vicious circle,They sotrved this by sitring rhe mother o,i" b.* b";;; the hthef behind on a chair. The father gently ,nasrag*l th" mothert shoulders and back, enabling her to relax. The Lorher held and stroked the infant, perhaps feeding ir, roo, If the mother was a single parent, then a male rnember of staff would massage the mother instead; and if the father felt tense or awkward, then a physiotherap;st mighr .,r.,, ,r.rra U;;;r;

and massage his shoulders.

Thc unique nature of touch, giving both energy and to soften and rnove out tense pe**rns, lt is s
evc'ry tinre!

But I don't have time for me! The parents who get most stressed are those who set very high standards and put their own needs far down the list.'But doctor, I don't understand it. I had just finished redecorating the spare room and baking the three-tiered cake for Tyson's party when this awful headache started. Could you give me something for it because I have to hurry back and finish making Darlene's disco dress?' ln fact, there are three simple responsibilities you have as a parent. Here they are,in order of importance:

. . .

take care ofyourseffi take care ofyour partnership; take care

ofyour kids.

People used to think that, to be a parent, you had to make huge sacrifices and become a doormat. Small wonder that so many people today are opting to have no kids at all. Those same people who saw parenting as a self-denying task can be heard in middle and older life saying things like,'After all I did for you' and ''We gave you the best years of our life', trying to recapture with guilt the debt they feel is owed to them. The fact is that parenting is something you do for yourself. lt follows, then, that caring for you, your partnership and your kids actually go hand in hand. Looking after yourself makes yotr happier and more giving - you're giving out of choice, and from a position of fulfilment. Looking after your partnership reminds you you're a valucrl and attractive adult, not just a child minder or a breadwinner irr the other person's eyes.You have a sense of stability that enables you to relax, but you have enough growth and change takirrg place to enable you to remain interested in and excited by yorrr partner. Looking after your kids flows naturally from the above: if y,rrr feel that you have chosen parenting as one of your goals, if you ;u{' self-caring and have a partnership and fiiendships that sustairt y.rr and remind you of your worth, then giving to children will t'rrtr,' easily.Your tank will often be full and your childrcn won't rtcc.l 1,, start panic buying! End of sermon.

Sevmc rntmcv wrru rrre .sorr No, and a handful. He seems ro have is ^t*zo-and-a-half, {erre1 rearled rntant-assertiveneis, and makes demands over and over happens - whether it's to have ice-cream for .unu] lomething brcaktast, to intemrpt Mum on the phone, or to get that shinv foy et the supermarket checkout. mocher, Allie, is luckily discovering how to deal wirh all .{is ot- this. Frrsdy. she knows that this is a normal developmental tor children ofJeriemt age, and that it *oot t"rt for.*,u.. Tege ihe has just mastered the .soft.no, technique,

and has )econdly. become im'incible! sles other mothers struggle with rheir rwo_year_olds. fhe anct seds them caught up in rising tension:

ilililiif ffi ',

^T hlArvrutt

rwlun'r HAw tr;

I,;^i;;

uo vou cAN? .

ff 0 I

Th: mothers become engry

and tense and upset with

assuming that they must match their infants,red_ :neTelves, taced loudness in order to win. how.ever, does it differently. She simply says no, ouire -lllr_", sorfly (knowing thar children have excellent hearing). IfJerrem

r"yr it 4gain, equally softly, at rhe same dme ,elaxine lers$6, T_r Irer shoulders and softening hei whole body (a rrick which

toof

a.tew hours to master). IfJeriem shou*, especially in a public place, she irnagines herself carrying hi* bodily to the car,tut at

rrme softens and smiles inwardly. She conrrols he. o* lt.":.*" teelrngs, rather

than letting little Jerrem control them. The

temptarion io yell

*

i.""nc;;;;;;*"g;;

oc*asiorrrltln 11* wey he would cr{oy this victory $oon removes the rem}tad;. Allie is puerled trrat just as she masrerecr the ,soft*no, skilr, Jerrcru $serns r() lravc stoppecl his hasslirrg.

FooD AND KrDso BEHAvIoUR Would you change your kids'diet, if you knew it wqruld make them do really well at schoolo be calm and happy in themselves, and twice as pleasant to be arsund? Of course you would. Did you know that poor food intake is thought to be a major factor in juvenile crime? And did you know that the same changes to diet can help you to feel better, have more ene{gy, and perhaps avoid being overweight without eating *ny less? Sometimes it's important to go back to the basics * and there's nothing more basic than food. What we feed to our children, and when, has a profound effect. Flere are scme simple guidelines on the psychological effects of food:

t, CHOOSE FOOD THAT GIVES STEADY ENERGY. Food serves two purposes. It provides nutrients for growing and for repairing our bodies; and it also gives us enetgy for physical and mental activity. Most people these days provide their kids with a range of foods to give a nourishing diet. But it's also important to give the right kind of energising food - complex carbohydrates, and protein foods, which give a steady, day-long energy telease. This kind of diet will ptevent fatigue, promote a steady, focused state of mind, and help children to feel settled and easy. In

particular, children need to eat complex carbohydrates (wholegrain food), high protein food, and perhaps sorne fresh food such as fruit, tor breaffist each day. 2. EAT IT BEFOREYOU NEED IT.That's right * breakfast! Breakfast is the meal which will provide energy through the day. Eating substantial foods in the afiernoon or everring may nottrislr you and your kids, but the energy input will tre wasted. Eating yotrr main food intake just before you become active will also avoitl obesity - food goes straight into the bloodstream where it',s nct'tlcrl. When children or adults ear a big meal in the evening, then jrrst sit about or sleep, the food is laid down into their fatty reserves. l)co1>lt' carl eat just as much, but by changing WHEN they cat it, tlrcy'll find that this will reduce weight problerns. Wc suggest that yor.r expcrimclrt. (iivc yottr childrcrr pn)trrrr {irocls srrc:lr irs ('!{ls, cgg".llips, lllr:nt or flsh with tlrcir lrrt:nklltst c;rt lr

day for two weeks. (If they complain they arent hungry at breakfast

time, give rhem less for dinner the night beforel) S*. f", yourself how much more settled and happy they are at horne and school.

3.AVOID'QUICK BURNOUT'FOODS. Sog*,

and refined su$ry foods have a remarkably unpleasant effect on kids'behavioor. tut*1,

children have simply too much energy minutes after eadng such rapid release foodr. They L'ecome edgy, hyperactive, and jusi plain naughry. Blood tests show that his energy release p.ak, errly, "nd the childt blood sugru drops berow where ir started, as the body struggles to cope. Thus children haye a mid-morning sag, where they cannot concentrate, and become lary and unfocused. 4. AVOID CHEMICAL$, DYES AND PRESERVATIVES. Additives and dyes in foods have comprex and individuar effects. As weil as observing what your child reacts to, some foods are generally a problem for almost every child.The need t' reduce sugar has alreadv been rnentioned especially at breakfast and lunchtime. Tatrazine @102) which is found in yeflow*dyed foods can cause violent hours of hyperactiviry in children. phosphates (found in processed foods such ar hot dop, commercial hamburgers, processed cheese, in$ranr soup and roppinp) are also strongly implicated. The simplest and most effective thing you can do is feed your kids good food earlier in the dry ,l'th.y just won,t g., ., hungry for jun-k. Likewise, if your child is going to a parry where the parents are still living in the r950s diet-wise (soft drinks, cakes, ice*cream and lollies!), then feed your kids up before rhey go * and minimise rhe damagel

Don't get into big power srruggles with food. Just limit the will do ihe trickl And

choices to more nutritious food, and hunger have some leeway for fun foods occasionally.

If you're a primary school teacher:

FIow to counteract negative programming in the children you teach By the time a child gets to kindergarten you will be able to recognise'negative programming' very clearly.' Here are the main indicators:

. '

a child who hangs back from other children, looks sad or agitated and does not respond to overtures of friendship from other children; a child who joins in but, when presented with a learning task or activiry will not try it and looks fear l or distracted if approached on a one-to_one basis;

' a child who hits out at other children and

reacts inappropriately when spoken to (for example, by laughing when chastised) and does not seem to have positive exchanges with other children.

You may have children in your class who fall into one of these three categories, or you may find children with a combination of the three. For the sake of simpliciry let's look at them one at a time.

The sad and lonely child

It is mosr usefirl to regard this kind of child as having missed out on affecrion and on being valued and affirmed in the .""rr, ;;, of life (0-2 years). He needs positive messages that are not tied to

performance but are simply strokes for'being', such as ,Hello Eric, nice see you'. A friendly touch or hug with the child, being carefirl not to rnake him seem different from thi others, arso provide, i."rrrrorr"..

t'

spread out over some days *ekr, shourd result fuch.strltegies, the child visibly relaxing and loosening up"ri in the class-room t'en beginning to initiate contacts with you showing you and work, rrnililrg at you as you scan the room, speaking to you, orr. ".rd"ro

i,,

The self-critical child who won't give things a try 'l'lris child rrruy huvc hrrrl hr.r'eecls rrrct i'tlre t:arly part.f Irrr llce rr srrbj.t tctl t. vc-rh'rr Prrt.tl'wrrs t,rrrsistcrrtiy sirt.r.

lift,tr.t slrt. w:rs

old enough to listen (which was, of course, very young).The pattern tends to occur a lot where a mother has a second b"by and shifts to being verbally critical of the first child. Many parents, especially when they themselves are having a tough time, will put their children down as a matter of course, almost every time they speak to them. The children from such situations (probably at least one in ten children) will actually say things like 'I'm stupid', 'I can't' or 'I'm a dumb-dumb' if asked why they wont attempt some new task. The remedy will be obvious to you: give positive affirmations very consistently to these children. Ideally, give positive messages both for performance and for just being. For example,'You did that really well','I like your ideas for paintings', as well as'It's nice to see you this morning!'or just plain'He11o'. Dont gush though - make quiet, understated comments which they can tolerate. You will have to make sure that you avoid using put-downs with the child (who may actually invite them) and that you use assertive slatements rather than'you'statements to control the child. For example, use'Go and get your bag now!'instead of'You're so forgetful, Anna'. For really lasting impact, though, the child's parents will need some help, too.You will probably find, if they come to the school, that they are tired, overworked and possibly resentful and defensivc. Your best approach would be a casual and friendly chat beforc broaching the problem, rather than a'Your kid is a problem' fullfrontal attack! You can simply explain that you have noticed their child's selfesteem is low and he or she may be sensitive to put-downs and be irr need of more praise. Parents of kids in this category will be the ones most helped by reading this book.You could lend them a copy!

The child who is aggressive towards other kids and sarcastic to you I

saved this one

till last!This child can be best understood

as hrvrrrpq

been fully hooked on a'negative' culture, being both hancllc:t-l itt ;ttt aggressive way and shown by exanrple only ttcg:ttivc wltys ol rclrrting. lt is vcry likcly that thc: <:lriltl'.s parcnts fight nrtrtirtcly, rrr wor'tls if- rrot irr :rt'tiotts.

Significantly, the child is nor choosing ro inreract using aggression - it may be the only way he or she knows how to int..rci. It is very important to realise that, initialy, this kind of child will not often respond to warmth and praise (but it,s worth a try). The teacher must first of arl establish a bond through ih. ,ood. the child can hear - that of firm en€ragenent.This -rrl b. done, of course, without using putdowns. Thus, in the early weeks, a firm but friendly approach and a crear request for behaviour ('Stop doing that now, and come over here to get a book','Sit down now and start your drawing,) are the necessary reactions from you. The way to establish a beneficiar and significant relationship with an aggressive child is to persist - hrmly and without becoming angry or irritated. Eye contact, especialiy with humour behind the eyes as you reinforce your firmne-ss, wilL signal that you are powerful enough to contain the child, so that hI o, she can begin to relax. once this relationship has been established, then positive messages can be added for doing positive things. This differs from what the parents may have done - only noticing the child when he or she piayed up.

These children are often the most responsive to having roles (such as 'equipment collector') roles with

speciar

!.rr.rirr"

responsibiliry and privilege. As they develop a 'friendship'" ,niith yor, that is, the skill of exchanging positive messages * they will be able to extend this to other children.

If you're a secondary school teacher Negatively programmed children are very much in evidence in secondary schools. In fact, the nature of secondary school can easily

worsen the programnring. - Often, secondary schools are so factory_like _ young people feel they are a nobody, doing what they're tolj and proar.iig things. Secondary schools often have huge numb.r, olver 1000 in r school, althotrgh research su€J€iests that 300-4001oft.r, is the ideai size); rro h.rrrc basc (strdents arc never on their own territory and

often cvcrr ch.rrgc gr.trpirrgs s. that they cl
In my research I

have found that students have four major problems with secondary school: the work; sarcasm and put-downs from teachers; loneliness;put-downs and aggression from other kids. It is appropriate for us to address here the last three of these problems.

;*lll

$. /\

i--_-\

:wl-^U

As a child,I attended a bayside high school near Melbourne. It had a combination (which I later realised was not uncommon)

of a gentle, but ineffectual, principal and a vice-principal who was a thug.

On one occasion I

saw a boy thrown out of the viceprincipal's door and land backwards against lockers on the opposite wall, without touching the ground on the way. This

vice*principal had personality traits which would lead me, unhesitatingly (now that I am trained in the field), to seek to have him locked up! Hopefully,qry have improvtd since those days Anothet event that coloured my experience of secondary school was the fate of a close friend who far outstripped the other students academically. Gaining high marks in the final year and securing scholarships to universiry he was nonetheless dissatisfied with his own exam performance, bought a rifle and took his own life, Four children suicided at that school while I was a student there and the school swimming hero went to prison after an unsuccessful fight with drug addiction. We also had many wonderftrl teachers, great excursions, and a lot of carnaraderie. But the whole high school cxperience had a lot of scope fot impnrvenrent.

Sarcasm and put-downs from teaching staff This is a symptom of unhappiness and frustration i' th. teacher. Few non-teachers have any idea of the stress and difficulty of

teaching in secondary schools in the nineties.Teachers come a close second to psychiatrists in the rate of work-caused physical and mental breakdowns. A large, faceless school isnt any happier for the teacher than for the kids. Secondary schools, fuelled by the breakdown of families and the rise of epidemic unemployment and its hardships, are often physically menacing, emotionally harrowing places irrl"r, ,.ry concerted and innovative efforts are being made to humanise the school environment. Sarcasm and aggressive attacks on children are used for two reasons. one is that they simply relieve the teacher's inner pressures: if the teacher was a happier person rhey would not take piace. The second is that control of kids is a constant preoccupation and sarcasm works in getting kids to behave, at least in the shJrt t.r*. one last plea.we all lose our temper and sound offfrom time to time. Kids can handle this. Itt constant carping that hurts. If you dont basically like and enjoy kids, please dont be a teacher. lsolation is also epidemic in secondary schools.'w.atch the school ground or corridor closely during a break. Some students will be visibly alone, others will be attached to cliques and groupings of students, but only loosely so, tagging along but ,"r.{ interacting with the others. Boys will be more tolerant of appendages ro their groups: girls tend to include or exclude more decisively. For this reasln, you will also see pairs or trios of girls who stay together simply out of mutual loneliness, sometimes barely even talking

Loneliness In the classroom you will notice that some children lack even the most basic conversational skills. They will only be able to manage a mumbled word or two if spoken to and would never initiate a conversation unaided. only recently are some English and speech and drama teachers beginning to rackle these vital skills.

Lo'ely kids tcrrd to go unnoticed; their nrore n.isy

anti lggrcssivc couutcrplrrts xrc actullly bcttcr offsirrcc thcy at lcast 14ct sorrrt'of flrt';rttt'Dtiorr tlrcy;rrc str.kirrg. lt rrrlry tukt.;r sr.t.6rrtl 1l.k ;rt

the classes you teach to spot the loners and wordless ones; they will certainly be there. If you are willing to'prioritise'the one or tlvo lonely children in each class, deliberately making contact with them and showing an interest in their work, without drawing down on them the spotlight of class attention, then even this small amount of attention will go a long way to help them gain confidence. Any efforts to humanise the school experience - such as home rooms and home groups, excursions, carnps, peer supPort schemes and teaching in the areas of social skills, relationships and self-esteem - will be of immense benefit. Secondary school is for many children the last chance to climb out of a negative program for life. Do what you can!

Peer aggression,

The failure of schools to help probrem children is rarely the fault of the classroom teacher. The fault lies in the whole method of 'factory schooling': we attempt to teach children in herds of 30 to 40 x a time, and wonder that so many do not learn welr.we are the only culture in history that has taken such an approach to edn.ating our young; thousands of years ago Aborigines were teaching young people on a one-to-one basis and had few failures or dropouts.

in action and words

Bullying is not caused by'bad kids'.The problem is, in fact, always a symptom of the adult system in which the children live. Arr oppressive overall system, at home or school, leads to the 'victims' taking it out on each other. ... From time immemorial, when the barons were tough on tht' knights, the knights took it out on the peasants, and the peasarrts beat up their wives and kids. If this dynamic is not understootl, school authorities try to stop the persecution with nlorc persecution and the result is even greater tension and violenct: Itt the system.

Where teachers are given proper facilities and support in tltcrr jobs, and children are treated with firmness but allowed to kct'1' their self-respect, then bullying of kids by kids rapidly dies aw.ry Although material conditions in a school are important, they irr rr. way compare with how people treat each other,frorn the top dowu. School is not usually the source of children's more scri.rttr problems. Nonetheless, it does have a way of compounditrg tlr" misery!

In a revealing study carried out for the Council of Arlrrlt Education in Melbourne, it was found that illiterate aritrlts lr,r,l almost universally suffered problerns of adjustrnent bcftrrc thcy cvcl enterecl school.The school, however, failed to rer,redy thc fe';trlrrlrr,'cs arrd low sclGestceur of thcsc, chilclren, which bct:ltrttt' lt lutrttlit.rl' rir tlrcir lcrrrnirrg t
In summary No

teacher, however dedicated, can be both the emotional support

and learning stimulus that 30 children need in order to learn ,sse11. Soon the day will come when we reassess education and learl 16 flood our schools with skilled adults, volunteer and paid,trained and training, so that each child gets his or her due. untii then, education will be an uphill battle, with many casualties. Since you are a caing teacher (or you would not be reading this) and since you want to do as much as you can noq let me conclude by urging you to: ' eliminate put-downs from your classroom and use assertive methods of control; . when faced with problem children, who rnay aheady be taking much of your time and nervous energy, consider using the rnethods ourlined in this chapter; . bc surc to rtreet your ot,n needs for positive strokes ;x.1 afliruratio,. vlu ilre :r. cnclangcrcd spec:ics a,cl Austmli;rrr <-lriltlrr.rr rrt.crl yorr hculthy lrrtl ;rlivc!

If you're a politician or community activist! A family is not an island. Healthy families can only exist in a society that supports their needs. Sociery can be seen as a kind of gigantic social club, to which we all pay membership fees, attend a lot of working bees, and in return receive various benefits. The social club is far from perfect. Not only is it rather disorganised, but members with vested interests different from our own work constantly change its direction in their favour. we thus have to work hard to make sure that we and others get our pan of the bargain, while at the same time being cooperative enough so that the club does not collapse. Parents in particular find that they need to keep dealing with the world to get a fair deal, for their children. Thus, as well as directing energies'inwards'to improve family lic by playrng with and educating children, parents may find themselves focusing'outwards'to society, being on school committees, neighbourhood organisations, right through to a strong poJitical commitment to environmental or other causes.

Nlxurally people can overbalance in either direction. On one extreme we find the uninvolved family that does not venture into

community life, and can thus be herded like sheep into

arr

increasingly totalitarian state. In contrast we find parents who are so politically involved (or career involved, or cause-involved) that they have no family life and so become neurotic and burned out, whik. neglecting their own marriage and kids. This book has been an'inwards'book, dealing with life withirr the family unit - a worthwhile focus but one needing balance.This brief section looks at how our new understanding of family lili. affects the wider picture. The diagram on the following page shows what is somerirrt.s called the'social contract'- what we receive for our membership rrr sociefy. The picture looks very oone-way', but in realiry this is rr.t the case. The family gives its labour, taxes, and in many other w:ryr contributes to society. In facr the family multiplied by milliorrs ls sociefy.The family, however, often finds that it is in some way bcirr;i slrortchanged - perhaps health care is poor quality or too expcr)srv(., tht'rc rrrc no social facilities, or jobs do not exist fbr tlre firrrrilyitt'err:rgcrs.'l'lris rccprires thc farrrily t. fight fbr whrt it reccls. lrr clozt'ns of'P;rrcrrt workshops I havt. talkerl aborrt'p;rrr.rrrr' r iglrts', ;rrrrl lilrrrrrl tlr;rt 1r;rrr'nts ;rrc rrns;rtisflt.rl wirlr so-vi<.t.s, ss. lr .r.,

schools, doctors,local government, and so on.Alowing for the naturar tendency of humans to enjoy a good grumble, it's Jlear that rnany people feel powerless and shortchtgea Uy trr" _.*t;;;nd rhem, and especially by'the authorities'.Tli. .oncepts of assertiveness apply here too, and we now teach parents through role_play and strategy_ rehearsal to deal with vague do.torr, rude public servants, arrogant teachers, and so on, and to g:t their rights in ionsumer dearings too. Assertiveness in the wider arena Lust include organised action, since single voices only have limited power. More and more in the nineties, people are joining interest groups and movements. No longer do they opt for triviar time-fi[ing groups (the tennis-courtimprovement-cake-bake-auxiliary) rro, dl lr.y a"o". r"-,gJ, faceress groups such as traditional political parries, but more tid_r"rrg.

movements such as environmental action groups, school

involvement groups, and so on. Politicians should wercome this tendency, since it is the road to real participatory democracy, as well as being a lowcost ,oi,rrio., ,o community deveropment. A caring, close niighbourhood does far more to prevent child abuse (through its removal of loneliness and boredom) any number of doctJrs and social workers. serf-help than groups such as GRorv (for mental hearth), parenrs Anonymous (for

child protection), Alcoholics Anonymous, childbirth Education Association, School Involvement, parents'without partners, vietnam Veterans, are proliGrating, and doing a remarkable job.

Friendship Social facilities

Housing-Food-WaterGas-Fuel-Ele ctriciry-

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There is no doubt that families need material security first. Relow a certain income level, no one can raise happy children. F{owever, above a basic level the need changes.What people benefit from most once they are housed and fed adequately is a chance to be connected with others and involved in purposeful activity which has been freely chosen. One often hears the complaint that parents 'don't want to get involved'. Usually this complaint comes from sorleone who conducts boring and alienating parent-teacher nights or preachy lectures on how to bring up children! Contrast this with the immense success of parties for looking at and buying plastic bowls and lacy underwear! Clearly people love to involve themselves in friendly, participatory gatherings, and will risk a surGit of lunch boxes to do so! It's sad that such trivial gatherings are often the only way to meet the strong needs for belonging and interaction in our vast suburban homelands. A large-scale statistical study in the US sought to find out why in spite of low income, broken homes, and poor housing, some teenagers renained law-abiding and productive, while others became criminal offenders. The only factor which emerged clearly was that those who coped had access to adult involvement, outside their family, which was supportive and friendly. Most often, though not in all cases, this was through belonging to some club or group led by interested adults.

,h.. put-down pa*erns beginning to develop between parenr and "grygt". child. It's difEcult in this positi-on, thJugh, ro kriow ho* to off.. he$ in a way that wont oft-en-d. Ler rne *f" ,o-" ,ogg.*iorrr.

Practical help The most obvious

yal you -can help is _babysitting. Many young parents are exhausted from the sheei endlessness oi p"r.rrirrrg earning a living.A couple of hours'reliefnay be rife-savrng, and "rrJ yet is something th-ar parenrs hesitate to ask for, ior err orir"iosing on you' Flere's a hint: offer to babysit 'sometimes' and di so, but occasionally say,'No, I won't be able to this week'. This lets the parents know that. you- can say no - and also means you wont be taken tor granted! A friend of mine, who is crafty io match her to babysit for some young parenrs next door only if If1_l_rl _:ftr:to use the time for relaxation. they agree Manipulative but effective.

Since incarceration of young offenders costs about $60,000 per person per year, youth work also seerns a sound investment.

Let's sum up. If you are a parent, you will often need to get involved with groups and situations outside your own four walls, irr order to advance your family's interests, and secure some kind of future for your children to live in. If you are involved in thc communiry whether as secretary of a parents-and-friends club, or ,r parliamentarian, then the one thing you must understand is th;rt families need to BELONG.'W.hatever helps to bond familics together and build strong local communities will save money urrrl trouble a hundredfold, and lead to a happier more self-reli:rrrr society in the future.When public money is being spent, prevenriorr is definitely better than cure.

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Material help comes next. our sociery seems to be built on a pattern whereby we are poor when we are raising our children, and have an excess of money when our childrer, gro*n up.In earlier "r. share inin. times people were individually poorer, but could a-ityt collective property. The loan of all the equipment needed for raising children (prams, etc) or other forms of material support is much appreciated by today's young family.

Friendship There is nothing like warm, good-humoured availability, and a willingness to listen, in a neighbour or friend. parents accumulate tension and worries as they go along and, with a sympathetic listener, these will tend to pour off like water off a duck's back. If you have the time to listen and enquire, and if you dont rush in with remedies or comparisons, you will visibly notice the relaxation spread on the persont face as he or she talks.

Don't preach, teach, judge, compare, criticise, evaluate or generally act like Dorothy Dix. If you feer the patronising glow of 'older and wiser'coming over you, then close yorr, -orrth and smile a lot until the feeling passes. Advice can be a blow to the selGesteenr of the person receiving it, especially if it wasnt sought in the first place. Even if it's'good'advice, it will have the unpleasant side-effect of making the person feel small.Thke my advice! -VZhat

not

to do

If you are the parent's parent, you will be tempted again and agairr to slip in some of the parenting you overlooked when they werc

twelve years old, just at the moment when they are floundering anrr hoping you hadnt noriced. If you do this often your ofttpring wiil have to pretend to be coping whenever you're around - an added burden for them. Adults need friends, not parents, and they need positive messagcs.

Supplem entfiy parents Margaret Mead once said that little kids and grandparents ger on s' well because they have a common ene'ry! xicls clo need .rtl,... adults, as friends, parents confidantcs, ancl to givc lpprovll lrrtl afF.cti.n at thosc tinrcs wlrc. prrcr.lts arc.jrrst r,r.., ,iu,..r.*crl t. rt'sllrrrtl wcll. I krr
their childhood because in an otherwise unbearable home life there was one older person nearby who provided a safe harbour. Even the crabbiest grandparent has his value, if only to show that Mum and Dad really are quite nice people by contrast! 'when families are woven in with friends and neighbours, and when people of all generations have access to each other, then we wont need psychologists or departments of social welfare.we'll take care of ourselves.

twinkle in his eye, and spoke soft\r but very clearly, as he walked through -'How come it's so hard to hate you?' You put a lot in with your kids, from the sleepless nights and the frightening trips to the casualty departnrent, through to homework assignments and a million miles of taxi-driving. The great thing is that everything you pur in counts, and with a bit of luck, one day they will realise it. Love adds up to sorrrething. Nothing else marters half as rrlrch.

Steve Biddulph's highlY acclaimed The Secret of Happy Children has

been read by over one million people in fourteen different la

ng uages.

The Secret of Happy Children helPs

you with parent-child ccmmunication from babyhood to teens. lt gives you confidence to be more yourself as a parent - stronger, more loving, more definite, more relaxed. Steve Biddulph, who has worked as a family therapist for over twenty years, reveals what is really happening inside kids' minds, and what to do about it! You'll find yourself letting go of old, negative approaches, and freeing up more energy

to enjoy your kids and Your life. ln this new edition Steve also discusses: . Stopping tantrums before they start

. . .

Curing shyness in your children The skills of fathering Being a single parent - how to make

it easier

. . o .

Kids and TV Food and behaviours huge difference

- it makes

a

How to cure whingeing kids, and The ten minutes that can save your marriage

Humorous, easy to read, sensible and practical 4 F{arperCollinsP http://s.rvrv.harpcrcc,lli

PARENTING

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