fu€#rffi sffiffiffiffiKs *-
tuffiffiffiH
cfuF##n##
Introduction 1.
v11
Making tomorrow's people
HarperC olli nsP ...
60 downloads
834 Views
18MB Size
Report
This content was uploaded by our users and we assume good faith they have the permission to share this book. If you own the copyright to this book and it is wrongfully on our website, we offer a simple DMCA procedure to remove your content from our site. Start by pressing the button below!
Report copyright / DMCA form
fu€#rffi sffiffiffiffiKs *-
tuffiffiffiH
cfuF##n##
Introduction 1.
v11
Making tomorrow's people
HarperC olli nsP ub li s h e r s First published in Austrata as a BayBooks publication in 1994 Angus & Roberrson edition 1995 Reprinted in 1996 This edition published in I 998 Reprinted in 1998, 1999, 2000 by HarperCollins Publishers Pty Limited ACN 009 913 517 A member of the HarperCollinsPablishers (Atstralia) Pty Limited Group
http://www.harpercollins. com.au
2. Softlove
Making contact with your child
8
3. Firmlove
The secret of well behaved children
30
Copyright O Steve and Shaaron Biddulph 1994, l99B This book is copyright.
Aparl from any fair dealing for the purposcs ol'privatc study, research, criticism or review, as permittcd undcr tho Clpyright Act, no part may be reproclucecl by any proccss without wriilon pcrrnission. lnquirios should bc lcldrr:ssctl to thc publishors.
llrrrpcr(bllinsl, u h I i s he rs Ryrlc Rotd, l)yrrrblc, Syrhrcy, NIJW 2073, Austrslia 3l Vicw l{rxrd, (ilcnlicld, Arrckllrrtl 10, Ncw Zeilun
Nltiorrrrl l,ibraly ol Austrtlirr ('llukrgrrirrg.irr.l\rhlicution data:
Morc sct rrls ol lrrrppy chilthcn. l{cv. ctl.
tsBN 0 ?.r22 5844
lr
4.Who will raise your children? Taking care with childcare
62
5. Parent pay
95
6. Raising boys
It's time that we plan for a new
kind of mart ...
104
7. Raising daughters
118
8. Family liberation
130
Resources
1,34
L ('hiltl lcurirrg. 2, I'rucrrlirrg, .1. l,rur:nt rurtl chikl. 4. ('lriltl psycllrkrgy. 5, ('hiltl lcuring I lurlor'. l. 'l'illc. 64t).1
lllustlrrtiorrs by l,tul Sllrrish (irvcl tlcsigrr hy Millcr llruc (bvcr plrokr ol' Lrrcy ( iilllulrlto by l)cllt Mt(:kity Printo(l in Auslrtliu by (irill'irr l,ress l,ty l,ttl orr Tggsrrr llulky trupcrback
9U1654
0t
02 03
,ffi
MWwkffimg
tmffiwffiffiwffiw*w Experts can be ahazard to your family,s health.
t,t ,i
Luckily, this is a non-expert book! Please take
it for what it is - friendly
Irrrlgine this.You *ru
p
;;'",'1,'ll;'t:;-:,'
'r*
"ttt.
frorrt for.fr. io there is rro sc:r;nd but*he singing of biras.Vau are.old; s t i I tir n n ed, and, fi t; and' ehii ,warm, soft clothis. A sleek and almost silent vehicle rolls up. lts rkrors click open, and some young adults step out. 'l'lrcy arc your growl up children! 'l'ircy giu. yJu big hugs.They are full of energy, ,urtl lrlppy to see you. They sit down and tell you tlrcir latest adventures, ne* achievements, and n('ws of their families. You bring our food and rlrirrks, and talk over many thingi E.ventually, it's tirrrr: ft>r them to,leave. Vru go inside and put on a warm sweater.
lirlrl oiyou are gardens and. a lea$r street -
suggestions,
and support for your own good sense.
I
llt yotrr hcart, Y( )LJ l
si
- *
right
firr you rurtl your children.
l;or a long time you sit by the window,
rt'rrrcrnbering back to when they were children. You fbcl very proud of how they have turned out, of'what you have given the world.
ft
Seeing your kids as a gift lf- you were
to believe the media, you'd think that kids are nothing
but one big problem
-
a behaviour problem, a childcare problem, a
health problem. This is a terrible con, because the truth is - kids are a beautiful gift. Deep down we really know this, but sometimes we forget. The one in five couples who have fertiliry problems know what a gift children are. So do the parents whose children battle with illness or disability. When our children are endangered, we suddenly realise that they matter so much, and that other things matter so little. There are real challenges in raising kids. In this book we'll tackle
many of these. But you should start by reminding yourself what a f;rntastic thing to have in your life - the shaping of a new life, the lurrrrclrirrg of a wortclcrful human being into the future.You will give rurrtl rt't civc. Yotrr lifi' will trc grcatly enriched by the love and ;rrlor-;rtiotr yott t'lttt rct-civc fiont your children, who approach cverytlrrrrg witlr filslrrrcss, intt:lrsity lttcl trust.
Wc'rrrc rrow r:rising ltutttly-lirsl ((nlury rltildrttt, rttttl ;trc;rt'tttltlly ,lorrrg cluitc wcll -- r:rcrttittg e kincl oF yotttrg pcrs()ll wllo is liglrtr ycurs rrhcutl of thc youllg ldults of thirty years ago. (C)orlrparc yorrrsclf ut f-iftccn, s:rLy, with what fifteen year olds are like now!) l{rrising kids is an ancient craft. To do it well you have to root o1t yorlr hidden inner resources, as well as drawing on many outer srrpports.You adopt a kind of 'finding the way as you go'attitude lrcirrg willing to make mistakes and learn from them without lr;rssling yourself unduly. That wiilingness to learn is probably what rrr;rdc yott pick up this book. Vru love your kids, you want to do your very best, and you are willing to learn.You have all the ingredients to be a fine parent!
'lwo kinds of love Wc love our kids. But love is more than just a warm feeling - it rrrvolves some skill. Family therapists recognise that parents need to Ir;rvc: rwo core qualities. I call these softloue and firmlove. Both these krrrtls of love have to be activated in sufficient quantities in a parent's rrr;rkc-trp, so that children receive the right ingredients to thrive. 'l'lrcy are both available in you,bat you may need some help to lwltkcn them.
What is softlove?
Solilove is the abiliry to be relaxed, warm and affectionate. It is the ,rlrility to stop your brain racing around, to trust your instincts, and to ll.rrcl offthe many pressures put on you from outside so that you t -rrr /r1 there for your child.-When you can relax and be yourseif, your Lrvittgness will just naturally arise. Vru don't have to force softlove, but you do have to give it space l() grow. Not everyone was raised with softlove, and so sometimes wc fiud it hard to activate.Ifyou had rather distant or aloof parents, llrcrr yotr may feel tense or uneasy, rather than relaxed and loving wlre tt you are around babies or toddlers. As men and women rctlisc.over softlove, then many things will change for the better. ( llnptcr 2 tells you how this is done.
Silhat is firtnlove? lirrrrrlovc is the ability to be kind but firm with kids - to make clear rrrlcs rrrrcl bui:k theru up, without getting arrgry, without being wcak ,rrrrl givirrg irr. It's thc rprality pcoplc spcak o[ whctr thcy sly, "Ilrrrt lr('ts()tt lt:ts lrltt klrrtrrt". M*Llnd
lnmnrlrtw'a
rronnla
3
Mlrrry pt'oplr':rrc t'orrlirsc:tl ;rlrotrt lovr'Irt't.lrusc tlrcy tlrirrk it is warln arrcl gooey. For instance, a fathcr lends largc lrnoglts of nroney to his teenage daughter who 'forgets' to pay him back. This isn't love - it's just 'sogginess'. Firmlove means saying, 'of course I love you.And you owe me g100. So no more loans till you pay me back!'. Firmlove is strength with a loving intention, as opposed to being cold and hard. Good parenrs are firm with little children often, because they love them. often this relates to safety -'I love you, and that's why I won't 1et you run off down the street'. or respect for others * 'In this house people dont hit each other'. c..cl parents are willing to be tough with their kids because tlrt'y krrow this will help them to have a happier life. Irirrrlilrg Ihcr balance N' .r(' li('ts it .iglrt cvery ti're. Giving softlove and firrnrove to 1','rrr l';rrl'r rs ,rlrv,ryri ;l l)l;rtt(.r of finding your way, finding the balance .t., \,.' ;',' .rl,,rr1i. A l);,(''l wlt. is kind and firm says things like _ 'f"J,,, 1',)lr ,r( r()r l',()rrl',.rrr rr tlr. r'lrirr ancl cold.How aboutlooking llr ',,rln{'tlrrrr1,. trt('t('\l utl,, lo rlo rrr tlrc kitchen?'.They are aware of tlr, rr ,lrrl,l1, n,.,.,1', l'r .r( ltvtt\, 'l rrrrdcrstancl you are bored _ I'11 l' 11, r',rrr lrrrtl ',,rrrr'rlrrrr1, 1,r tl.'. lrrrt rlrcy arc clear in their decision \'"rr 1r,r,.,. l').,l,tV itrrloor,, u,lt<.tr rt's wct'. lrrolrlr,rrrs .rr(i y()rrr (-lr(. lo :rclirrst the balance lltt' ',,' ,,rllt',1'l'r.'lrl..rrrs'tlt,rt :rrisc fl^orn time to time in every family ,ur' lu',r \',rl ( lrl,lls w,ry .l'lt.t.ting you know that the balance needs I. r lr,rrrg',r'. lr.r't'x.rrnPlc,. little girl will get a tuinmyache because Mrrrr .rrrtl l);rrl lr;rvc bce' too busy with the new baby.A boy will t',('t llrt() t..ublc at school to get more attention from his Dad. S,rrrc'tirrrcs you will have to develop new levels of either softlove .r' firrrlove in yourself - more than you were ever given as a child rulways
LJtrn r,itrs'r'ANr
l tt: ol l).rr'('lts lr:rvr ;lskcd lilr a siurplc way to lllcasurc how they are ,l,,rrrpq .rrr,l lrow tlrcy c:rrr iurprove. This simple questionnaire can Ir, 11t y.rrr to rrrrtlcrst:rrrr-l thc two kinds of love, and co make your lr,rrtutlrtrrrtl ,r ur('rc positivc experience. Circle the number that best lrllt.r ls y()(ll ;lllsWCf.
Sorrrow
I
of this,
eunsrloNs
.
I ;irvr: rrry kic{s lots of hugs.I love to hold them and tell thenr how y,rr',tt tltr'y :tre.
Not rrt nll.
5
1
1 I .rrtt rr llcaceful kind of person. I don't hurry. wrlh rrry cbildren just er-Uoy-rng being together. Not
lt all.
\lery much'
I
can spend hours
Verv much.
1
Nrrw (ol;rl thc two scores above and enter your softlove total here.
5()I I'I 0VTiTOTAL Fnurcrvn euEsrIoNS
I I , rn bc clear, strong and set rules and get {ny children to follow lftlll
tlrcrrr.'T'ht: kids know when
I
mean business and u-earlv always
r rl rr.y,
Not
5
lt;rll. I
Verv rnuch.
J I .rtrt r'rrlttt uttd good humoured, so when I am being firm I don't
ir order to help your child. That's why parenting is such a 'strctching' time it takes you beyond all your previous limitations. T'his has to be a good thing, but you will need support and cncouragement. The chapters coming up wiil give you 10ts with many real life examples to draw on for inspiration.
)rN(; y()LJn L()vrN(; st'ytn
nltrrr gct rt';rlly arrgry. I certainly never lash out at or hit my kids. Not
lt nll.
5
t
Very rnuch.
Nuw lolrrl tlrc two scores above and enter your firmlove total here. I
llt Ml oY1; l()'l'At.
Nnrv, t'rrlr'r' y()ur ric()l'cli ()lr tl)(: 11t';rph ovcrle:ltf
4
Mr>r'r: 4err'rrnl: <.rl lr,r;r;-ry r:lrll<{tcrr
M.rl.trr<; l{ltl.)t
I
{nlr/'r; Jrrrirlrlr. li
FrRmrovr Sconn
ILEanwc YOUR
Sconls 1, l
Put a cross where your frmloue score goes on this
Put a cross where your soJtlorle score
line.
goes on this [ne.
2.
llog0r is a strong, no-nonsense rf pcrson who is well-
r\'1,('
,,'11,uisccl. Maybe deep down he , ,rrt's, lrrrt finds it hard to show this. \,, lrc is rloofl and remote. and his [,r,h rn;ry fcel they are never quite 1,,,,,,1 ,.rrough.
t'
He is olten too busy
sPt'rrd time wirh them.
(l( r'r t'r){l}, though. he is scarting to
Penny is warm and very loving. She is also quite clear about discipline on thc things that matter. Her kids know they have to follow certain guidelines and take on responsibilities. But they also feel safe and cared about. Everyone in rlus family has lots of
fun. hugs
antJ laughrer.
, lr,rrr1.lc lris ways.)
littr,ra lruT colo Wrrk ou softlove skills
,L'l
in chapter
rilrt:tJ
'W'anrvr
AND srRoNG Greatl
2.
('78q10
Sorrr.ow (,()I,I ) AND NOTVERY
Sconx
STR.ONG
W,,r k tlrrough chapters 2 and 3. ,
1..
lr,'lp lrom a caring couruellor
", rl 1r,1s l1'1 1 t oncemed about vour |',il
r,t rl il
Loq/NC BUT NOTVERY FIRM Work on firmlove skills described in chapter 3.
tl{.
3. Draw lines across and down from your fwo scores and mark where they meet.This is your loving style result. Agrros is vcry tcnse and distant.
4. Look on rhe page opposite for an explanation of your result,
',Ii. r,r,,y k:t lrcr children get away rtrllr rrrrrltlur, irrrtl then loses it l.r:lrt'r ()ut ;rt thcm. l lrlrr slrr' [i't'ls sor:ry lrrd gocs back
, ,,1r1g'lr'11 1y .rrr,l
i,r 'l'lrr^ ;rutlror wislr*s to apologise to any Agneses, ( ilrt^ryls lvlro fi'cl tlmt tlris is not thcrrr lt rrll! No
l)crrolr! livilr14, tlr.rrrl
I
* ["1n
lrr'rrr1,;
;t,'rnrissivt' rlg;rirr. (\7ith
Ilr,' lrt'll oI fl'icnrls rrrrl
1l
rrrt:,('llor slrt' is lt:;rrrrirrlr; t() r(:l;rx rr,l l,'r,,' l:t'rscll s,, slrt' t:rrr lov," ir' r ,lrrl,lrr rr) '
CheryI loves her kids and spends lots of time with them. In fact, she has no time for herself. The children walk all over her, and arc very demanding. Cheryl is terribly tired from trying so hard. ;rnrl yet ('an t st'rnl to gain rorr(rrll. (Slrc lr;rs st:rt'tcrl grrit){ lrl :t l);u('lll\ sul)l)()l't gr-otrp ltnd is 1',t'lIirr1l sortl(' llinls ott littrtl,'vr'.)
t
I
l
I
l
ffiw#wffiffiwffi
j
m**t**
Ag*ra*r,
wru y*;*'*fitld
All parents love theit chil 'I'hc big qucstion is *'Will
m14trove
ren.
,
, '.,
get,throu$?i
lr . ,lrr',1...rrr,l tlr, l,rrrlr ,rr,,urrrl tlrr' l.rkt' ts srlt ttl,,rl),tlI ltottt .t tlist:lrrt l,,rr, lr l,rr,l ,.rll, llt .t r oll.rtt,t lry lltt' w;rtt'1,,l lll.ll) .ttttl :t wottt;lll lll-(' ,,,,1 rrrr,. 1,,1,..'.'1'lrr'1' l,t'tgrrr slowly, t;rkitlr'; tlrt'ir tirlrt', crltlyirlg tlrc ,rr!r!' rl'.rtr()n.ur(l tltt'r,,r':r.lrt:tl l;rllirrg:rwtty of rcttsiotrs arlcl cares.They ,!r, !,.' ttrrl,, lo know c:tt'lt tttltct^ afiesh, though they have been l,rirni r,, lr)t llt:u)y ycilrs n()w. Aftcr a trure, the energy and passiou l,i I'rrr', r(' ns(', lrt'r lltrghrcr rrtingles with his urgency, and soon they !* l,,,rlr , ryirrg ottt iu plclsttre. Afterwards, there is a quiet resting .rr,,l '. 1, r'l)y s('ltling tclgcthe,r of warlr) bodies. Later, inside the ..,,r!r rr,'., l,otly, as they both sleep, a sperm finds its way to the ': ilI!1,.. lrr()()n. likc ovutn, and a child's life begins.
I 'r'irrg tlrc life inside you
I1,,,. ,lr,l you llct to be a parent?You got pregnant - obviously! l,r,l y.u wiult to get pregnant?Who knows?Your body certainly ' rrrr,,l t, 'lir your conscious mrnd though, beconring pregnant can l', r .,1r,,, 1.. lrvt'rr the most higtrly planned pregnancy (not to rnention rli,' irr,,',t tot,rlly'eccidental') brings this feeiing.As you hold that littie 'Oh My!'.The rollercoaster ride has begun! 1,1.r' rr, tr',,( strt k, yott think llr rrrr,, prt'gr)lrnt confronts you with a choice.You can reach out 'rrlr l,,r'r' to tltis nc,w life inside yoll, or you can pull back in fear and
/t
u
TV
\ ,,
I
i: rrrr: tl
(
'rutr()n" As yorrl t'lrild gnrws rrrsirrc you, is rrolrr ;rg;rirr urtl ag:ri'havc thc c:hoice to hardcn you,
lntr gnrws rrp, yorr wilr lr"art a'cl pull back, clr to softe'your heart and respond with the quarity we calof,rorr.. Softlove the capacity for tenderness, generosity and warmth -
dwells inside every single person.
The softlove inside you may be strong like a fierce flame or rt nlay smy like a tiny glowing spark, unnoticed, waiting to be kindled. Every new mother or father has this spark inside tt Researchers "rrr. have fo,nd that when fathers are present at the birth, or get involve d in the early care of babies, they become 'engrossed' in the child - deeply i'rerested and deepry satisfied wan"ting ro spend .f thcir tirrrc ar.rrrrcl tl're baby, and wanting to b..Jrrre skilled 'rore irr tlrc b.by's r';rrc'.'l'his is t^lc- whether or not tt. u"by is their own biolorii<';rl clrilrl.'l'lrc l
A note about breastfeeding. The evidence
baby,
and generally allow f.eed time to be a tinre of intimacy. We believe that breastfeeding is an art * mothers sometimes need understanding help to breastfeed successfully and fhere are sinrple tips that can make all the difference. we recommend coura.cting the Nursing Morhers Association. They can provide wonderful individual help in nost parts ofAustralia.
fc'c'lirrgs are
Iovt'? tl y,rr rlrrlrr't t'r'r't'ivt'tttttr'lt ltlvc irt your own childhood and lrt' ont'
1,,1,\'1i,,,,,1, tlris r';rrr
tl!r\\
grows continuailv
that breastfeeding provides nurrienrs and antibodies which make it far superior to artificial milk. Sonretimes a mother h", ;; botrle feed rhrough rnedical necessity, in which case it is important for her to bare her skin tbr the baby to feer whrle feeding. She should relax and make eye contact with her
S. rlrt'l.virrrI
Wlrt'n y()rr w('r-c l clriltl, tlid yotr lcltrtt how to
i'rrrrilt a'cr waiti'g to [rc nw:rkc'c:rl.
Sorrrt't rrrrt's tlris Ir:rPPt'ns c:rsilv :rnrl srrrootlrly. Sorrrrtirrrcs
it
rrt.t.rls lrt,l1r.
( rrrt' rrr;rrr cxplained to us that in his teens and fiventies he felt a ,.rl,nlt nc()d to be around older, kinder people, just to L'athe in tlrt' l,'t"lirrg o[ being welcomed in, given a smile, being asked rl,,,rrt lrrs ,l;ry. (ir:rdually, through doing this, he filled in the gaps
irr lrir, li'r:lings of welcome. After a time, he also knew that 1,r rr;,1. lrli.,'tl his conlpany, asked his opinion, told hirn their lrr.lrlrrrrs lrrrcJ that made him feel worthy. In the end he lrr''r .riltr^ ;r
|syt'lrologiSt! Arr ,,1,1 lrt rrtl toltl rrs tltat when shc was a girl, she used to t.,'l v.ry l,trrt'ly ;rrrrl unlovccl. At rnidnight, when others were r-l.r'1r,',l11 w.,rrlrl trrnr ()l) thc radio.Tlre artnouncer on the late
I'r',,'r,rn Ir.r,l ,r,lr't1r. li-rt'rttlly voit't'. Shc wotrld stay awakc to lrt.rr lrnrr wrslr ,'v,"r-y,rrtt' "p;oorlrtigltl ;lttrl (iotl blcss'. T'htltr she lr lr , ,rrr'rl .rlrorrt .nr(l ( r)nll()r tt'tl, ruttl slt:pt s
r.rlllitv,l
I
I
There were some pluses about childhood in'the old days'. people tended to have lots of babies a'd lived close to their relatives, so older children, nieces, aunties and gra'dmas all helped with the babies.You sot 'ephews, lors of practice at being a parent before you became one. (Today a q.artcr of new parents have never even held a baby until the d:ry thcy first hold their own. No wonder they are terrified.) To avoid p:rrenth..d bccorning a big struggle you must get extra help for yourself lc:rrrrirg to receive love, so you can love your baby well. This b.girs vcry carly. Research has found that the presence of a srrppor-t pcrsor-r lrt the birth - someone who loves and cares about tlrc nr<>tlrcr' - clnrnratically reduces the incidence of caesareans, rrrrt'l of- t'Pirlrrr:rls (:rnd therefore forceps deliveries). Emotio'al r:rrrc, irr tlris c-:rsc of the mother, has real physical conscqrrctrccs.
i' /
,a
/
Love is a real, tangible substance, and things go better when therc is love around. once your baby is born, the best love peoprc 'rore can give you is often practical: massage (for you), special meals, tirnt' :ttt
HnRrttllc A MOTHER
FIELPS
tlrirtry*cight, had a difficult relationship
,
A soN
with her teenage son.
lrc wus very depressed and possibly suicidal.Wb talked about rrrtl hc got along.
It was clear that almost every conversation
irrvolved her criticising him. On the inside she cared, but on stifl very unhappy in herself.As sho felt
tlrr .,rtsr(l(' she was cool and
rvillr nle, Esme confided that she rarely if ever huggcd her son trrrrr lrcrl him in an affectionate way. The very idea of touching lrrrr rrr.rtlt' lrer uncomfortable. Lrrrotronal coolness on a motherk part t: O":--" to b-e a danger ',r;trr I,r sLricide in teenage boys, especially if the father is'also lrr lll, trr;rl t'r distant. So we made closeness our first goal. With r nr,)lil,r1|crncnt, Esme began to reach out more. she practised as she gave him his , r.,n.rlly putting a hand on her son's shoulder AS h hair or clothes. ,lrrrrr,'r, lrrtl giving him small compliments on his a b'rief hug when giving him ,{lt, r .r r.vc'ck or two she moved up to lr, l, lt lor st lr<,o1. l,rrrrr' Iirrrnd it hard to do these things, but she persisted. Then, ,,rr, ,l,ry irr rt seif development course she was attending, she was li,,r,'rrrrrli to someone in the group talking about rheir painful ,lrrl,llr,,,,,l. Sttrltlenly she found she was shaking and shivering, and :''n rlrt' w;rs sobbing out loud, She was remembering being sexually r',.,rrlr,',1 l,y lrcr f"rther whert she was about forrr. (Fortunately, her r,llr't
lr,rrlrt r lr,r.l lcft lrr'r lathcr shortly afcer that.) lr.,rrrc lrrrcl not so much forgotten these incidents, but had played rlr,\(,lr llrc^ir itttportance to herself. F{ere was the reason why she l"rrn'l t(rr( ll ;rrr.l ;tfFcction dtfficult.
talking little by little in the group about her l:isrrrc lcarnod to let others cate fol her, and she rapidly ut()r'(' ()uttrl()ing pcrson. All these qualities had been latent
llrrorr1,1h irlr{'l ll I
rr'r
,t t t
l('
;l
hiritlcl l:y thc lbar: of ir little fbr:r year old gid turned int
rutr lt' lrcr, lrrrt wt:rr.: tr'l
r, ,'. r'
lrr ll'rn[i
The power of touch When you read the story of Esme and her son, did it surprise you that touch and affection could make the difference between a youngster wanting to live and wanting to die? Can touch really be that important? On ihe surface, one wouldnt think that teenagers would be so concerned about their parents' affection. But a teenager was once a baby. And if they were not cuddled and stroked back then, it was a serious matter indeed. Starved of affection, a little baby can literally die of loneliness. 'When a premature baby is stroked, growth hormones are produced. Itt as if a baby decides life is worth living.When we receive loving touch our immune system fires up and resists infection much more readily. Haemoglobin (iron carrytng) levels in the blood increase dramatically.
Touch is an 'essential vitamin' for all mammals. When babies are born prematurely, they are often kept in humidicribs for many weeks. It has been recently discovered that if these babies are regularly stroked by their mother (or another loving person) reaching into the crib and caressing their little bodies gently, they will gain weight 75%o faster than other babies who are not given this stroking. They are discharged weeks earlier, and save the hospital thousands of dollars.
Thc power of praise As kicls get older, there are even more ways to make our love krrown to them. The most obvious way is with words. Wb shape tlrcir personality - by saying,'You are beautiful, you are lots of fun, y()u rrre good to be around'. Kids become what we tell them they J
IC.
(lhildren need two kinds of telling. One kind is
unconditional
this means that we let them know -'I love you because you Jrc yolr'.They don't have to earn this love, and they can't ever lose rt. lruagine how good this feels - to be unconditionally ioved,just lrrcuuse you exist. 'l'he second kind is conditional praise. This means that we tell tlrcrrr,'I appreciate your actions'. For instance, we might say,'I like llre way you entertained your baby sister when the phone tatTg', ot '( le c I like your drawings', or'You sing beautifully', and so on. Itis okay to teil kids what you don't like as weli - as long as you rlurr't call them names.'You didn't pick up your clothes very well I cirn still see eight t-shirts and seventeen socks on the floor'is fine. 'You lazy little sod'is not so good. 1rr';risc
-
Find as tnalny ways to touch as you can There are many ways to show affection to small children - massage, stroking, patting, tickling, caressing, carrying, rocking, cuddling, brushing their hair, holding hands, giving rides, swinging, jiggling. Each conveys a different version of the same message - you are loved, you are welcome, you are worthy. Sometimes older children go through a non-touch phase where they are establishing some independence.An experienced mother of teenagers told us that you have to still 'keep your arms open', because the time will come when they want to be hugged again. Early problems and deprivations can often be healed later by gradual building up of affection, as a child learns to trust.-With sufficient time and care, fostered and adopted babies can overcome a diflicult beginning. I have often seen and workecl witl-r adults who arc hcaling brrbyhoocl neglcct, ancl cloing it stlt:t:cssfttlly. Ilut how nrtrt'lr bcttcr t() g('t it rrglrt tht' flrst titttc. Softlovc l5
beforc thcy
to -sct' thc positivcs Sotttt:tttrrcs parcnts havc [o lcartt is a very powerful cln proint theur out. The power of our attention Mellor puts it Ken teachers' influence on our children' One of our with kids is what you get'' Some
oK
KlD6- rr5 QuALlrY TtPlE
!
this way: 'What you focus on and always have sick kids' families focus on iLlness, for example' trying to make everyone Some focus on complaining (while kids' If you look for negatives and h"ppy), and always #;;;dt fathers are especially prone to ,awiy; point these out fti'ittft some If you let your children doing), then the negatives wrll increase' and comment on what know that you notiJe when they act well' gte:it more of the time! they do that is gr."l tht" they will act Qualtr:v or T!{E' wEaK Here is an exercise to try' I-i'b-froor* rhe rhree qualiries ){ou mosr want your child to have
, ,
trr lrolidays and on weekends. It isn't always their fault - the workplace is not yet a parent friendly place. In the Stone Age, pJrcnts would often have to face a tiger or wooily mammoth to save tlrrir children. In the computer age, we might have to tell our boss tu'gct stuffed!' - equally dangerous. Itis not just Dads - lots of mothers too are being conned by the
l(itcou1d.be*nyihi,,g-kind,nesstoothers,.patience, independence'
'
I
g,entleness, perseverance'l
coopefation'
creativitY).
this-wee! one of ther" qualities T y"": goal for Comrqent quality' this *'ry ti*" theY slow 3. Take nor"
e.*i;
legative week' you can tre sufe the of end the By atl' at ,""*r."u move onto this qualitY will be on the in crease' Then choose a qualiry' and another. You .r"r, also lel l''qur chiid Point out onlY when notice iu rogu;*u througlr the week,
sorneti:r1res,
l .' ' r., . . ,,,
"fother times just sirnptry notice' Make no
'
Time Thereisoneessentialingredientforsoftlove_thatis,beingthere; much you tell yout or in other words, h"'L'g time' However then your ;;ildr." you love them, if you are not around enough' you do'not what you say' that words will be a lie.With-kid; it's what cotlnts.
a'm' and return at 7 Lots of fathcrs today leave for work zt '30 likely to be successful as 7.30 p.nr. or lrttcr. These fathers are not will only bc so by rrukitrg sttpcrhttrnatl efforts plrcr)ts, or il- thcy
r.ruufi)rting but largely false concept of 'quality time'. (To -y shame, I wrrrt along with this idea in my earlier work.) You can't have qtnlity time with children 'to order', by schedule, on the dot. Rel,rlionships are a delicate business. If a woman has a husband who rurltlcrrly puts down the newspaper or turns off the TV at 10.30 at ltiglrt, ilnd gets all amorous after ignoring her all evening, she'll know tlre lbcling that kids get when a parent lobs in for'qualiry dme'! ( iertainly it's important to have special times. One easy and very pnrvcrlirl step to take is to sit down for a meal together each day, *ttrl rwitch off the TV or radio. It can be dinner, or even breakfast. ?ru lcw Fanrilies eat together, yet it can be one perfect way to Fr rrlrtlc('t. lir ;r l;rrgc degree, kids decide what they are worth based on ttlr,rt tlrcy rrc worth to you, and based on your enjoyment of their Epnilrrlry, lrrr;rgine how good it feels to a baby or toddler to know tltal y,rrr v:rluc thcnr nrore highly than almost anything else. As tel,lrr .rrrtl totlcilcrs, thcy should fcel this way - not that they are'the bucq'lrrr( tlrrrt tlrcir rrccds rc:rlly counr.Thrs ncecl reduces as they get rtlrlet, lrrrt is still olrcr':rting wt'll irrto tlrcir tccnri.
'rn',
M^ro rscreti o{ hrrppy chll<{ron
Softlovll
17
Increasing your capacity for love What is the quickest way to increase the love and positiviry available in your family? You can srart by learning a simple skill which all loving people have, often without knowing it. This is the knack of living in 'present time'. present time is where children live. To them, the future is impossibly far off.Kids live for today! You were like this once. Can you remember when you were little, and a day seemed like a really long time? when six weeks off school at the start of the summer seemed like forever? An adult who can live in the now (at least some of the time) will be an instant hit with children. Old people sometimes have this abiliry because they've stopped rushing. Most palents (the people who most need to be), are hardly ever in present time. (As a young parent, I was a bad case of this.'whenever I was with my children, my mind would be somewhere else. My toddler son would give me a whack to bring me back to attention.) Many people seem to have lost the knack of just being especia\ if they live in cities, away from the rhythms of nature' Or *orr. still, they think they are 'wasting time' or'not achievtng' rf a day just drifts by. Yet if you want to get through to your kids, whether to show them your love, or to give them effective discipline, then you have to get yourself back into present time. Here is how to do just that.
Getting your brain to come horne Most of the trouble we have in life comes from having a brain. Not just any brain, but a human brain - horribly prone to worries and abstractions which no dog, cat or budgie would ever waste a second on. (A mother once commented at one of my seminars, 'I worry if my children will ever get a job'. I asked how old her kids were and she said,'Oh, I don't have kids yet!'. She'd come along to my talk as a preparation for parenthood! Half of me thought,'Gteatt', and half of me thought,'This gal should be tenpin bowling!'.) our brain can make us miserable because it is always racing off out of control. So we miss out on what is happening right in front of us.Thcre are three ways your brain'races off'. 1. Dragging around in the past. Recalling thc past can be vt.ry plclslurt, lrrrt trrostly pcoplc go ittttl thc p:tst to rcltltsh olcl rcg|t'ls (wlr;rt tlrt'y trrisst'tl orlt .rrr), oltl qtrilts (wlr:rt tlrcy
AY fAREt'Il-s trtJER[
RRfEd_
u:tliru' lvr -To'rELL nY$ErA?tsr
j
sltouldn't have done but did!) and old resentments (what otlrcrs didn't do but should have). (ioing over the past, without changing any of ir or having drry r)ew thoughts, is often a complete waste of time. Yet it pnrlubly occupies half of all human mental activity! 1,
llncing ahead to the future. The future can also be a worrrlcrful place to dream about, but most people just worry dlrotrt what can go wrong. They use the future to practise 'worsl case scenarios' (a beautiful phrase!). Rent the video l\trttthood, and watch for the baseball scene for a brilliant elrrtrple of this. 'l'lrc trouble with fearing the worst is that it either paralyses you, ()r else you react to things in an exaggerated way.You uvt'rlook the positive because it doesn't fit your plan of
fiu,{! II5 Aupnsr
{inf}lnvg
O
rlisrrstcr.
You rrriss tlrc bcarrty of thc roscs Lrecause you
are
irnagining yourself catching tetanus frorn the thorns.
3.Vishing you were sornewhere else (or thinking you should be). Lots of people make themselves miserable by wishing they
had made the other decision - taken that job, done that course, married the other guy or girl, lived in that other town, not had this baby. They are in one place, but hanker for another. Everyone does this at times, but sensible people use the energy to make changes, plan a holiday, or organise the ftrttrre to nrore resemble the clreams they have. Others, though, .jrrst lnrrko-. lf only . . .l:rlr, thcn I woulcl be happy. Wlrilt' \\i(' :u'(' l,rrsy r':r,'irrg oflin our Irtilrds, we are making ()urs('lv('s rrusr.'r,rlrlt',,rrr,l wt'lrr-c rnissittg ()ut on our children.
( llrrltlr('n sl()r('
ul) tllt'st' rrrorrrt'rrts rrr llrt.rr nr(.nl()ry li.rrrl,s. At l.,lr11 t;rr tr"ips, yorrr l
.lr
r-
Il:rppin('ss. lil
Mecrc MoMENTS Life delivers us pearls of happiness when we least expect them. (Biscuit ads and new car commercials on TV try to capture these moments.)
You know the kind of thing - youle in a paddock or park with your children trying to fly a kite.lti cloudy. First of all the kite won't fly, then suddenly - itt upl The kids are running towards you wirh the kite behind.An eagle soars overhead.The sun is out sudclenJy and shining through their hair like golden haloes. Everything goes into slow motion, and are those violins you hcar? Your partncr smilcs at you adoringly and yotr are sr,rddcnly and lbsohrtcly'blisscd out'.Yclu wouldn't bc,u rywlrcrr' trlsc lirr tlrriilsl
20 Moru Io(rr,l*,
}rrltlrivc
i
I
:li r)ltural
as brcatlrirrg.
l)o it, lrrcl it will bc torally rcliablc in
irnproving your state of mind. Littlc chilc'lrerl are usually already grounded. People who are very natural, rhythmic, down to earth are grounded and you can learn to be the same by just being around them. As you learn to be grounded more of the time, you will be less interested in being any other way.You will notice when you are getting too speedy or agitated, or depressed and stuck in your thoughts. You will be abie to bring yourself smoothly back to the pleasures of the here and now.
Self time
-
what every parent needs
You can't give love if you don't have a clear sense of self. And a sense of self only comes when you give yourself space to be. Every you must keep some time just for yourself. Some people get up early, or stay up late when everyone else has gone to bed, to get this time. Others make a deal with their partner to provide some self time for each other. Self time is even more important than couple time, because you cannot connect with your partner until you have re-established a sense of self. Once you are h"ppy in yourself, you will feel like being close to another person, but not usually until then. Self time doesn't mean doing housework, though sometimes a big clean up while the kids are minded can be very satis6/ing. It could mean time with friends.-WatchingTV doesn't do it well you lose yourself rather than find yourself. Writing works very day,
Tnu'TILEE 1yp (rAMil-y) Vrrr grow
LrFE
l
I:rrrrily likc ycl aud how you care
llowcrs ;rnd rhe fruit. \)Vt:
livc in
as
natural a way
as
posri[rlc, try to eat clean food, ,ttrtl work ro make our world ,rrrrl nt.ighbourhood better and r,rli'r phces.
,
We cultivate good friendships. Relationships with grandparents, neighbours, cousins and special friends provide a suppot:t network that I can confide in.
Wc dance around ilr(l pt;ry musrc
i**ffi
rights and feelings.
I take steps to control how much
r\:#
violerrt or r
ltrlp
4\uo64U
rrredia.
I lrrg rrry kids, and laugh attrl ;rl:ry
with them often.
my job intrudes on my family and my life.
I really like my children and enjoy spending time with them. They make me feel good (mosc of the rime).
I work orr r-ny marriage *ll{l \ct rrside tirne to get
tr
krrow ury partner. I rlr this firr rnyself,
fil
trry p;rrcncr and hrr rrry , lrilrlrr-n.
I'd rather be with rny kids and be poor than have
money but no
i with them'
,-'\-
ilail
"!67 F ).:'a \
I
crrrc fbr nrysel{ and have time just to be me.
Fenlrlc wcrrr kirrd to rrtc
OIl. I had a tough time
wlrnr I w,rs yourrg
it's itttport.ttt{ t() 'water arrd leed tltc roots'. 'l'lris will hclp rrrc fo clo go<>cl tlrirrgs ancl tcr l{ct goor'l tlrirrgs rrrtrl gootl t:lrrc for ruysr:ll.
FtlilrY lt.lssitlg tlt;tt
urrcl I r>tt to
tltt' r lrrl,ln'rr ol (orlly.
!,
24
Mr.rt
r: t,(!r.r (it1, rrl lrirlrlry r.l:il
as a
kid, so I know
1,.,ltlr'vi= ?f'
lcttcrs rlr l jtltrrrrrrl. l)r-lying or rrrctlitrrti()l) ilrc uo
wcll
regularly.
Letting kids be kids Once, long ago, I worked in a high school with drop-out children. Ott" a"y during recess time, a group of-1V twelve year olds dirapierred Lehind a huge stack of damaged fumirure and I could hear giggles and shuflling sounds from deep in the heap. LuspectlJ;evii-doing' and crawled in to investigate. To my embarrassment, lhey were sharing their playlurrches and drinks in a kind of cubby- house! They invited me to join them, but I just grinned and_ crawled ashamedly outside to the noisy world. I'd forgotten these were really just children, needing to PlaY.
to
Perhaps the most serious and insidious harm that has been done children in the last twenty years, has been caused by the way we
A corrrpetitive neurosis l,rrrtly lircllirrg tlrc
sccorrtl poirrt is tlrc li't'ling, clsily caught by children, th;rt lifc is a desperatc racc. Scr st'lrool t:tkcs on an anxious, performance-laden aura, even fron kirrtlcrgarten. Instead of playing around, children join a r ornpc'titive, organised, often expensive sport. Seven year olds ;rr(' cornparing their scores, worrying about their performances, pllying they will make the team.This is madness. .1. ()verworked parents Since we are so busy providing all these plroclies, we have little time or energy to make contact.'We lrt'c:orne tense, snappy, and poor confidantes to our children. |ccling more guilty, we provide more possessions and ('xpcriences, and then have to work harder still to pay for them. 5. An unsafe world'Whereas once children roamed the rrcighbourhoods and surrounding bushland of fifties Australia, lrrrrcly seen from breakfast till dinner, we now have to guard tlrcrn carefully and protect them from traffic, strangers, and .1.
r r.irrte.
Wc need a re-greening of childhood - a conservationist approach. Wc lrrrve to conserve the rare, natural and wild part of our children. I lrrs is an active process - cutting out and fencing off needless lr r ersr rcs and invasions.'We have to' de-po11ute' our children's lives. r
have taken away their childhood. There are several ways that this
Sotrrc possible clues
happens.
.
Horror, fear, grief and pain are compressed daily into our media news and our entertainment. TV has a little screen, so it has to have a big shock to hold our attention. The media blasts the same messages at toddlers as it does at sixry year olds. we heap our children with needless negativity which is not relevant to their lives and which they are in no way equiPPed to deal with. 2. An overprograrnmed life Many families I know of spend evenings and weekends shuffling children to a range of sports, music, culture, and supplementary learning venues' when all these 'extras' are combined with homework pressufes, the average child hls very littlc tinre just to be :t clrilcl. Wc havc tlrc lll()st ()vcrschccltllcd gcttcrltti
1.
A media bombardrnent
otrt'
,rt
tivity.
I l;rvt' lots of time, space, and materials for simple play. Plastic t()yri ure cheap and clean, but mud and scrap paper, ciay and
w;r(('r are the best toys. They give absolutely free rein to the r lrrltlls own inclinations and imagination.
r
('rt':rtc healthy boredom
*
kids used to being entertained by onrl)uter screens, videos or schedules of 'educational' activiry rvrll trrkc a little while to switch over ro selflinitiated play.You trr.ry lrlvc to resist'I'm bored'for a time until they begin self',l,r ttrtg. r
.
l'l,ry is vllurble in itself. Psychologists are discovering that this is tlrr w;ry clrilclrcn rn:rke sense of their world, act out concerns, r'\'r'r( ()n)(' fclrrs :rncl lcarn to relatc to others. Play is the source ,'l .rll , rt'.rlivity .rrrtl irrvt'rrtiv('t)('ss. I'lrt. grt':rl rrrrrsit'i;rns, sr'ierrtisls, Irrr','rs, ru'(ists, :rtttl t'vcrr ntiul:lfI('rs ;rt'c tlrt' orrt's wlro lr:rvt. lrrr''.('rv("(l llrr' ;rlrility to Pl;ry wrtlr tlrt'ir itlcls ;rnrl tlrt'rr rvtirl<. liul Illrv*
.J
/
I
you carr plry too - lclults in crisis or transitiotr oftcn find helfing the outdoors' in creativiry music, natural places, movement and have a TV set running Stop watching the evening news' Don't turn in the house choose programs and watch them' then
. .
Sl'lit.llRt, l)ls(l()vul{Y * NEW VITAMINS CHILDI\EN NEnn A to K, which we \eed in our claily clict that scientists havs recently discovered rurnoured to tlrrivc ancl grow. It is \()nr(: lllore vitlmins which are just as c\scnrial. Here thsy 2re. Wl': rrll krrow :rbor-rt the vitam.ins
-
.
theTVoff.Givekidsanhour"dayandlettherrrselectwhat they will watch. Do you really Consider your whole lifestyle in this question' that you do? like where you live, how you live' and the work more joyful' Are there alternatives that would make your life Perhaps we are simpler, and yet still stimulating and rich? down" living at a time when the whole world needs to'wind
VITAMIN M - for ntusic. Naturally occurrih* in young parents. rrrr be added to familyt diet immediately. Put on great music and ,lrrrrec with the kids in your livi 'g room - often. Pick them up if tlrcy ere too small, and dance around with theq. Sing in the car, . ollccr favourite tapes. Have some simple instruq.n,, around. If you make sure they are sadsfying, or at t,rl
Children give you a good reason to do this'
or'fV noise - .hld l.^r,',, nor to hear. Teach little ch1*r, and rhynres to poetry' for P VITAMIN torlcllers. Older kids can recite and perforrn fato\rite short p,oems at
Sometimesthearrivalofbabiesinourliveskicksusintoaftenzy for school of overactivity - renovating, working overtime to save need'When all the time fees, trying to provide *h'iwe think they
l,rrrrily gatherings. Listen to stories and poetry on tape to enjoy the ,,l,r,kcrr voice. Fred Hollows''Matr from Snowy River' and similar recorclings are rnagical for older kids. VITAMIN N - for nature. Make chances for your childrcn to rrpcrietrce total non-hurnan environments. For 1i61. kids, a backyard will do - lots of wild insects and crawlies, bird a1gr.1ing shrubs and Irces, llut whenever you can, get into the bush, and go io th. beach. Wrtch sunsets. Camp out. Closely related toVitaqin i for spiritualiry .urrrcf irnes available at chufcheso temples, mos{ue3 and similar. l:rrtl;rrrgered by computer games, living in cities, roo many thcme p,u l\s. :ur({ thinking that pleasure is something Y_orr buy. VI'IAMIN F * for fun.Available anywhere. R,rbs oft'from c6ildren ililtr) :r(lults, and back again. Most corrunon vitary* in the universe.
what theY rea11Y need is us! spur to My work with families in distress has given me an extra and trenchant not wasting my life with busyness - in one simple out on the *"y. So-.times children die - and if we have missed very bad p..r.rrt while working for the future' then we will feel indeed.
enjoy them' The best thing you can do for your children is
v a
(l
,l 4(
for Your child.
Endangered by constant radio
J
j1
Not n;rlur:nlly present in the workplace, but can be smuggled in. lirrrl:rrrscred by wearing a watch. VI'I'AiVIIN fI - for hop.. Hope is naturally occurring.You just h,rvr' (o ttltkc sure it isn't removed by. opo,ta.e to toxins. Avoid *,rtr lrtrtl; tltc news or viewing the world througl, newspapers. Don't Irrlrrlplt' irr gloom mongering around kids * esPecially teenagers.Join rl111r'1111111r thlt lrrtkcs rr difference - Greenpeace,\Mild.erness Sociery I rrrrrrrrurrrly Ai,l AIrrorrtl 'Aw;trt" pr()gr;lm - u'hosc publicatiolrs are tn' rr.(lrlrl), Positivc. l{cscer:clt hlts showrt rh.rt kiq.i with evcn slightly
l{llvl\l
l}:lr('nls rlrc lll()1"() rtrt'rrt:rlly lrt'lltlry' lt:tvc ;q rtr.rc prsit;vc virrw ,,1 tlrr w,rtl,l :rrr,l t.lrr ltlttrlc":ttt,l tl.t tttott';tlrottt ir.
3n
,:
ffi$wreffiwww i.,Yhe$s6rffitl
m$ we*$ fumhmwed mhi$drens
tirnes that p'eopl9 are el1en uslng the w&d'discipline, again. Fol. ose ot'us or carne thlough the'sixtiCs, this is an amazing turnaioun'd'tot abouf twglty years, the. o1ly, place you heard of discipline was in ads for M"dame Lash's House of Domination (whatever that was). But sure enough, as you leaf through f;n1t-ty'CIagazinei'and scan the,books!,e es; Aiucipline'is, ba,ck : on the a$enda.'$nd..-qot' a *ott-t-inti tro soon. When most rnodern'holrse plans include a room called a parents retreat, then it's clearly dme to act. Let's reclaim the house! It's a si$n,6f
1]1s
Why discipline? llr olr!You have just spotted them coming up the driveway.Your liicnd with her child - the toddler from hell.The kid who puts idttr orr your sofa, writes on the curtains, and frightens pit bull I
lrest
you answer the door? Is there time to hide? l)iscipline is a funny thing - you notice it most when it isn't tlit'rt'. livcryone knows someone with a completely out-of-control r litlrl :rrrtl rnany of us have one of our own! Getting cooperation is a lrlrrlrlt'rrr at tirnes for almost every parent. Most Australian parents Ilrl,ry rrre confused about discipline. A srrrrll nunrber of parents, on the other hand, seem to have it all ilrtrtl otrt. What is their secret? These parents call their toddler to 'rrlrr(' ;rlorrg now' and the toddler actually comes! You visit their llurrrr' ,rrrtl your rrrotrth hangs open.Their ten year old cooks tea for tlt- l,rrrrrly.'l'lrt'ir tccrr:rst:rs pl-ronc to sey they'll be honre early. And llt.rl kr.ls;lr('l)()[ friglrt.t'rrt'tl rrricc - tlrcy'r'c Irlrppy, optirnistir: lrrcl l=l,tt,',1 I low tlo tlrt'st'lrrrrt'rrts rlo it? ler rrt'rs. Should
f:irrrrlovqr
;] I
Wc ;rll long t
tlrc'rrr firr livirrg irr tlrc rcrrl worltl.'l'lrcsc kirls rrrly crrtl rrp ulrlrir[)l)y, tttrt'rrrployccl, unnrarriccl, lonely, ar)gry, ancl pcrhaps cvcll in jarl. A
t'lrilrl who has bcen taught good self discipline, on the other hancl, lc;rrrrs how to negotiate the world and stay out of trouble, and so is
lcllly
fi"ee.
:-*--
l)iscipline is about geming along with yourself and with other frerPle. After love, there is nothing more importanr you can give tlrenr than fiscipline. But nor the kind of discipline rhar has ofren treen irnplied by that word.
'l'lre approach to discipiine we recommend is called/rmloue it lt trrtcrvening out of love for the child.A parent using firmlove says, 'l Lrve you, and that's why I will stop you behaving like this'.They t'rrrrbirrc love and firmness. They never hit, they never harm, they llevrr blame. But they are f:-;rn.
'$tnrrd and think' and 'dealing' Fy
you may be asking -'-What is this miraculous method of Fctlnl!{ cooperation?'It's a good time to explain. Firmlove rests on €wrr nr;rirr techniques - the first is called 'stand and think'and the lFr rrr(l is called 'dealing'.These methods are used from toddlerhood gtrw;nls, nrodified and developed as your child grows, and adaptable llt' rtl.lcscence and adulthood. In fact, the abiliry to 'stand and flrtrrk' ;rrrrl 'cleal' will become inner resources throughout your Flrtlrllr irtltrlt lifc, hclping thcrn to be rnature, reflective, and wise in rr,,w,
all tlrt'rr rlc:rlirrgs.
It'l's lirrtl out lrow 32 More {er:relr ol ht;r;ry
chll
itls tlorrr..
Flnrrlove
-13
[]cirrg 'groun
clown
IN FAMILIES
irouncling is a powcrfurl and simple way of getting your mind to scttlc down and be focused in the here and now.You can do grotrnding anywhere - driving a car, doing the dishes, walking tlown the corridor, making love. Here is how it is done. Why not try this right now, as you read. Start by noticing your owlr body's 'inside sensations'* how your muscles fee1, how your rrrsides feel.Just notice these inner sensations, however slight. Focus orr the inner sensations in your body, however vague they might be'l'lrcn start to notice what you are touching - your hands on this lrook (are your shoulders relaxed?), the chair pressing your back, the lccl of your clothes on your skin. Just notice and intensify the scrrsations that are abeady there. After a time, shift your focus to the outside. Look around you, srncll and listen to what is around you. Become intensely aware of y()ur surroundings. Literally'come to your senses'. You will notice the three distinct layers of experience: your insitles (the sensations inside your body) - are you energetic, tired, rrl;rxed, do you need to shift your position? your edges - what you arc touching, your hands on this book, the air on your face; your utt,ironment - what is going on around you, what sounds, what rolours, what action is around you? As you notice these three zones of awareness without expecting ur'judging anything, you will become aware of several effects. Your mind will slow down. You will intensify the present moment - the beaufy of it, the I tr'lrtess of it. Your body signals come through more strongly, telling you there i son-rething that needs to be done - stretch your legs, go for a pee, ge t sornething to eat!And so on. At times, we are al1 troubled by an overactive mind.The best way tn c'uln your mind is to give it something to attend to, something tlr;rt is rcal and present.If you are driving a car, notice the feel of the etrcrirrg wheel; if you are stacking the dishwasher, the feel of the rlrslrcs; if you are sitting with your child, the touch and temperature nl tlrcir body against yours. t lnlikc rclrtxati<'rn, grotttrclitrg cltn be clone anywhere in a matter ol st'r'orrtls. Usirrg grotrrrrling t;rkt's pntcticc lrrtl nrirrclfirhrcss, btrt it is (
hfe these days often resembles organised madness. Parents rise 6.00, gulp food, rush children to before-school care, then to
to after-school care. They pick them up after work, go home, cook tea, have 'quality time' (ho, ho!), do house*ork or office wotk brought home, and then collapse asleep
school, which takes them
after midnight.
Famiiies today often own houses which require both adults working foi thirly y€ars to pay off. Some parents spend a quarler of their wCki*g tirne sining in a vehicle. Fathers wor.k back at nights to paln private school feei for children who hate school anyway and h"u. 1o* self esteem and drug problems because their fathers are ha*e' Marriages collapse flom neglect and fatigue, but both "eve, partnefs blame 'comrnunication problems'. Both partners get more with the iea ladyl fhe Australian family
d""fity ""***r"1.*tion to be dying of stress. seerns
ffi# @'
\\l \ t/
ffiffi "N
kno
*+^W r.r
22 Molu t€crerli ol lrlplry t:lrildrulr
i.
I
Sof
llov+:
2.1
I
Lucy
---_.--_
MEETS HER MATCH
llt>th p:rrcrrts staucl back.,Cood girl', rhey say, a'cl watch t. scc wlrrrt' shc will do. Lucy iooks at the powerpoints. she loclks ar hcr r)jrcl)ts. Shc looks at her roys on the other side of the .oo*.'irr.r, slrt' hcads over ro the toys. And her Mum and Dad give , Uif ,igh ,f .clicf and sit back down. In rhe weeks that follow, foryl"il try 'lroking in the power cords'once more, and stop when spoken to. wiil be. in an
Twenty rrronrh old Lucy is playing wirh the power cords ar the back .f the stereo. she isn't doing this quietly or sneakily * she is in fu[ view of her rnother: and father who are deep in conversation. Her mother sees her and calls out, 'Lucy, hands off those powerpoints. Corne away and play with your toys'. Lucy doesn't even budge. Her mother stands up and goes over ro her -'Lucy, hands offthe powerpoints, come over here,. Lucy looks up and gives the famous ''what are you going to d.' about it?'look. Her mother gives it one more rry -.Come away from rhe powerpoints!'. Lucy turns back to rewiring the stereo, muttering'No, No, Nol'under her breath. Up until todag I ucy has never done anything this naughry. She has always been able to be diverted or negotiated away from trouble. Today, though, is her first real discipline e:,perience. She is inviting
\lx)ntaneous and easy going child.
her parents to struggle with her because this is what she needs. Iti tirne for action. Lucy's ntother moves in briskly, grabs Lucy around the waist from behind with borh lrantls, lifrs her clear and takes her to the other side of the roonr where rhere is a free corner
(every loungeroom should have a free corner). Lucy does not welcome rhis attenrion. She screams, yelrs. hits out and flails (which is why h.er Mum is holding her from behindr). Her Mum continues to hold her firmly, saGly and tells her, ,When you are ready to calm down, you can come out'. Lucy goes through many'moves'that may be familiar to you _ spitting, trying to bite, attempting ro vomir her dinner up. Other children may hold their breath, call you nanres, and so on. Lucy has never been smacked and is not at all afraid. In fact, she is furious. How dare anyone interfere with her impulsesr she looks to her father who is standing back across the r'om.'Daddy, helpa mel' Her father moves in and helps to hold her. He repears what her morher has been telling her, in a calr', reassuring tone:'you must stay away from po.", .ord, Lucy'" After what seems like ten minutes, but is actually about one minute. Lucy stops fighting and quietens down. Her mothcr has hccn saying to her softly the whole time.'when you are rt'ady r. 1.,11111 .Nrw, down, you can conte o't'. She n'w asks Lucy straight rrtr 'rrt, you goiug to stay rr,vly fi-
lrl
lVl.rr{" r:rr{irt:.,r1
l,.rrrrl
r
lritrlr.,,.
lt5
5TANID
AND lHINK
u t'
'lf
,1 ,1
841,
-'{"
I.u 'ln
I
J''
DIv
No hurt, no blame, no fear
school. These early activities help organise the brain and builcl rnuscles to assist in the developnrent of smaller movements like pen holding lafer bn, Even carrying little babies in slings and backpacks really helps - as do all those roughouse games that Dads tend to play with little ones on the loungeroom floor. A trampoline is a great investment, and any kind of climbing and swinging devices that are safe and well designed are worth their weight in gold. Parks are also a big plus. Lobby your council to provide plenty of playgroundr in warmn sheltered spots, with shade from the sun and
'stand and think' was a surprlse' For little Lucy, getting carried off to only for a matter of minutes' but only h.r'prid" #' dt"ttd - and be physical' although With little children, *t 'o*ttimes have to carrying a screaming toddler away always safe and t.""' scary' By stay' restraining them from from a supermarket when they want to dog's ears' breaking up a melee at pouring soft drink it'to
" 'l""pi"g let them know'that's not the playgrorp - *t h"" to pt'ytit"lty with actions' Move on!'.With a toddler, we have to match words you are angry)' ln fact it's best calmly without h,,'ti"g (even when If you feel too stirred to act early, long befole you lose your cool' just put them in their room till you up, then forget the dealing, and cool down. thilq,l",?o^:o a chosen Soon you will be able simply to tell.yTt l't"td ind think'' They will do- so' knowing spot in the room, to that it won't take long and isn't there is no option, U." 't'o knowing just the way forward through a a big issue or a punishment finding a solution that is problem. Th. .mphasis is on thl child acceptable.
for adults. They should be near houses, not off in unsafb areas where young fulums feel exposed. They should be well fenced, so you can read a magazine and not worry that your kids can wander off. Good clean toilet facilities would help. 'S'hen you are going up the w-all, go to a park.I have spent many Saturdays on'playground crawls' which, with occasional snacks and seats
stndrviches, kept rny kids totatrly- satisfied on the cheap!
lleyond the old methods 'l'ltcrre have been three main approaches to discipline over the past Irrrrrdred years. Tfaditionally, people used hitting and hurting to
ISTTNAUGHTINESSORISITJUSTENERGY? to realise You only have to look at the human body
it
is made for
mOvement.
Chatwin repofts th€: In his beattiful brook' The Songllnes' Bruce carry tbeir babies for,i0f0 Bushmen and women in the Kalahari can walk by kilometres on average before the little ones themselves.
range over many kilometres eaclr Our bodies were designed and bored just staying still' d*y-so adults or children will feer restive game or watching excitingTV will W'orse still, playing a computer these activities create adrenaline^ make kids feel quite tlvitchy - *iit" get'outside and get iots of with nothing to expend it on' Kids hat)e fi
to
bodY exercise everY daY' whole ""i;;;ional rhar rnany therapist Kerry Anne Brown believes
,cotling, handwriting' posture' and coordination ott chilclrcrt rttnning' clirtt[rin g' boutrcin g' f.,.t,,,,.11y, tlcpcrrcl in tltc carly yclrs ,rrrtl cxPcrr.'lirrg lrrrgc illll()IlLlt.s olt ctlorgy
latcr skills c:rtt:hin1-1,
lik.
li"ighten kids into behaving. Later, as hitting fell from favour, prrcnts instead used blame and guilt to shame children into trrhaving. In recent times, people have used isolation methods rrrt'lr as time out. As we know from sending adults to prison, Irollting people often doesn't teach them much. So very little r lt;rttges.
lrirrllove goes beyond any of these, recognising that discipline is *botrt getting involved and teaching. Discipline is not about grrrrrishrnent. One of the great things about firmlove - using 'stand aitrl think' and learning to 'deal'- is that you will never need to un;rt'k or hit your kids.Your children - and perhaps one day aII r lrtltlrcr-r - can grow up without fearing their parents in any way. (
i;rr you imagine how good that would feel? liirrnlove nreans confronting children, certainly, and ietting them !t,rrrrllt' sotrc discotrrfort, but never inflicting pain. The aim of fit ttrlovc is sirtrply to hclp chiltlrcrr firrcl bcttcr wrrys. I t't\ look ;tt :tttotltt'r ittst,trtt't'. Fir
rrtlovc ll I
How to use the'stand and think' SEam E.{fs Hrs PEAS',,
,,
.,
;rl.
l,;'
Dave *1,*,t Picture this. After four years of parenthood' 11f-Tl"' again - with their lide boy O..ra" iti hish dme thty startedto eat out possible to go to a nice 't 'ho"rd"tle h"-'" a quiet *t'1' t""" with a child'
::ffiffiilil;;:;;;
]|,.. ,;ffiJ"0*^.i**l "'d ' Pl"ns are set in motion, and soon they are at the resraut'?':t"1*g *.d. nut young Sean is not happy' Mum and O'111' ," to lllcK ne ""r',n"n bored' So t.,.rkins at each other and not at him' He's
;';; ;F';'"'
*.;;;';;;;;;
1. Preparation. Ask yourself, 'What's wrong here? What do I want them to do to fix it?'. In other words, have a clear goal before you start. 2.
1t111
gi,,", him a whispered caution -'Stop ol:l:^"*^t::1 'Please' not o.ii. u", tt. wi'y he says it sends another message - His Dad q'" h.,..,,o, in front .f "il to*l:at is lot back'A l.,.,ks . ";;. at his Mum, who just looks right'Eat normally' or you'il have to determined' ,1* Dad, gets" he saYst sean flicks another pea'
;;;: ilD"d
and 'dealing' method
;;;;;oin"
il' wall" Boys ;;;t ;*t
their fathers to have Unbelievable! l*no::t"1ll his - h1 marchl wlth )ean to true is Dave word' their to true to be pttt fotty ot,,1l i".*t" u.rt firrrrly, as they say in the textboolt). of.the:t::1"::::' t" ."*"".a diners, and leaves him in the corner ready to sit and eat sensibly" come and talk to y* *t"n you look calmiywalks back to his table' i"^t.tt '* and he ""U ;J;;";;-; u* ir"n-.J by a' rhis. soon his shoutdersandsagasks him' heads over
3.
Learning to stand and think is a skiil in itself. With a young toddler, it is enough to take them to the spot you have decided on, and then stand back a little. Tell them,'You have to stay there until you are ready to agree. You can come out when you've calmed down', or if you are holding them,'I'11 let you go when you calm down'. At this age, as soon as they show signs of relenting, or rnumble a Gw words of apology, let them out. Make it easy for them to get it right. For example, if they are throwing a toy at the wall and you want them to put it in the box, bring the box close. As children get older (rwo or three plus), the conversation they have with you gets more important. Remember, they have to convince you that things are going to be difterent. They have to 'talk their way out' and convince you they can act differently. Another good name for this is'dealing'.They are learning to'deal'. Tell them their task -'Stand there and think about what you did to get into this trouble.As soon as you've figured it out,I'11 come and we'll talk about it'.
t"r;3;;;;;;;"J'r"
'""*.Dave read]'* d;fii;+,;i' n'iau.1','3 u" -*i?t,'.T:i-:i# normally'''okay"Well n-*.,'"ii", ,1. yo,, going to do now?''Eat
,'l;+iE
y-o,p,
they walk back to the table' *; ione.'And all_around the ;;, ilJ or.v""yt' can be heard from tables that babvsitters nrw paid who ,.J;r";";;., f,""", {ouarlso
on -'ft *" ,i.t ..tfa .o*. o.r,, can be seen taking notesyou ltPkiT havl oott:'.
,"*du ,o deal?.What did you do?What should mrght nave ff"d Sean been a child unused to'stand and think'-tt ,i. i,* ,"t of the restauranr. He might.h.ru".y"T.d o#;;; ,, -orrld have been easier for hrs Dad !T9 :*.: IiJ;;,"*l vour child' don't *il il;i* ,ntt ou"'dt If vou do this with the sudden change or leave him. Some firm talking' and be better off !*, s.an to"r.alise that he wrll a'd that il,,n|J;[i,T;iu*'roio*s that this is a learning moment futnre rcstltttrint meals dcpend on it'
il;;[;;r,tir
.
, L-*-..
Firrnlov+r 39
4. 'Ihe clealing conversation' Ask them: one's actions is important' a) ''What did yo, do?'' Owning up to b; 'Whr, were You feeling or needing?'' your needs?'' Do they c) ''What should yo'h"tl" done to.meet this before? Perhaps know , u"r,."*"yi H"" you discussed maybe they could you will need to ieach them' For example' share a toy join in a game others are playing' use a timer to wreck them' fairly, put toys where a baby won't Getting a d) 'What are you going to do- in future?'' ::Tlrtment' no\'v - get it right this right it do and GJ 'Show e) -.'.
'ftJ'a
time.
of 'dealing' prope-rly like 5. Aim for a happy ending' The beauty time right now' issue is reiolved'You invest some
this is that the (well' maybe once or twice)' and the problem need never recur you end up feeling You'llknow that thls was successful because Everyone is redeemed' better, and your child feels better'
A whole new aPproach This is a very
diffe""i io'* of discipline from
those that have been
usedinthepast.W.h..'*"lookbacktoourchildhoods,manyofus associatedisciplinewithfeelingbad.Thehistoryofparentingsince one of cruelty and distress the industrial revolution has Jftt" b"t" had little skill, and often for children M""y;;;."i, l" the old days them (even though they had simply repeated *i"' *"' done to hated
it
at the time).
there is no need for hurt' Once discipline is understood properly fi'mlot' e ate part of a breakthrough shame, or fear. fltt *"thod' of Good parents have intuitively that is spreading all over the world' but they have rarely found these approaches throughout history' be learned' been spellea ooi i" a way that can -: and are non-violent' Firmlove -",*a' "'J "'ptt'fi't of chjldren' bring can believe these methods yet clearly pf"." p-""" it tt'"'gt'We making it easier and much more about a revolution in childrearing' are strong' loving' and safe' enjoyable to prodrr." yo""g adults"who
The three tricks of getting cooperation ahead' you can
If you think Many confrontations can be prevented' reaching confrontation level' To begin often prc,vctrt sitttations froru .stilrcl ancl think' at lcrst a dozcrr titrtes rt with yotr ,,.r,,y ,,r.:".i t() usc
with littlc: children. S<-ron, though, they learn to act ou rrrr crrrly warning, or a courlt of 1",2,3.A lot of the tinre, experienccc'l parcllts find they can prevent problems by some forethought, and divert them when they do happen, so that confrontations are kept to a manageable minimum. This means that as chiidren get to three or four, you can save your firmlove skills (and your energy) for the times once or twice a day when some important lesson needs to be addressed. Flere are some ways to avoid problems - some of the clay
time.
Prevention A lot of kid trouble arises out of stress, fatigue and hunger. Make sure you and your child have a good feed before going out, and stop for snacks regularly. Avoid really high sugar or coloured foods, except as an occasional treat or after eattng a meal. Most kids get ztppy and harder to manage after a big sugar'hit'. Time your activities and leave out non-essentials, so that you are not pressured and having to race the clock. While raising toddlers, it's important to simpiifii your life. Little things suddenly take a lot longer to do, so do yourseHa favour and allow for this. Make your day ritualised and pleasantly rhythmic, so that kids get used to the routine.When getting ready for school or kindergarten, tell your kids to dress themselves first, before they eat breakfast. This evoids delays and hassles about dressing - hungry kids dress quickly without making a fuss. (To get them to eat a good breakfast is limple - just give them a light tea the night before.They will wake up ravenous!)
Make time at home hrppy.Flave a fun time doing ordinary things - play boppy music while doing the housework. Slow down your expectations of perfection. Be a h"ppy slob.You only have kids full-time for five years, and half-time for about ten years more.Why not enjoy it? Sometimes little children who are resdess just need more exercise modern world of small yards, car seatbelts, long drives and a the dangerous environment are two-thirds of the problem. Sandpits, waterplay, room to run and climb, make a huge difference. An exhausted child is a cooperative child.
Diversion Ofierr trouble can be avoided by finding a better way, striking a brrglin, cvcu bribcry * 'l'll btry y
you'll
hetvc
to help nrc ancl gct into your
czlrscalt''
A child figlrtitrg
a longer turn if they go,second' another over a ,"y ;;; be offtred turns' to play in such a way Kids can learn to o'" " tlrnt'' to take boredom is the real problem' that both can parti;;*"' i"-t'imes by adding a new element - and and you ."r, in."""';;;;;t soon have them cooPeratrngagalrr' -tf just not knowing the right way A lot of 'naughtiiress' i' ita"" than go on the attack to do things. Be prepared to teach.rather right' when kids do something that isn't the beach' A couple of For instanc", pi*"'3 " pitnit ti-ble at eight year old U3V.SrS's the last families are eating ,"*t'f*r. The with both hands' Parent ,lr* pf".., of Jttititn from the dish guts!' and- takes a swipe at you number one yells,'Git out of there likely to change his him with a ladle' C""a humoured' Ut'ittot if two says"Hold on' you haven't checked behaviour. Parent eat and ""-bt' about you take one piece anyone else wants some' How that.Then ask later if the rest is free'' liJ' *t'"' good behaviour is' How else will they You teach
From toddler to nice person in three short years Raising little chiidren is easier if you have a goal to aim for.You are working on producing, by age five or so, a civilised little boy or girl who can go to school, stay at a friendt place, mix well with other kids, and talk to adults in a comfortable way. They'll still have lots to learn, but wiil be well started.
I y.rr it rnd t rrat it noyl
' "i.1f"!xrgii;.Jt"* Do ir or
It lorr
l.ll liff youl I orn,l uritt
flir
r.elvc
irr ro
nc
f'll1r norgndjttne
-.tffi1*fill,t* "Ltng'ii:l
;rr,{ffi gri'tl1?ll.',r.il
t'tt
,""'
find out?
Confronting and still your child is being When you have tried all of the above your child is asking for a difficult, then it *" *tif mean that them one? Sometimes children set confrontation. So *liy ""t give experience safe' strong up conflicr, f'o*-lo i"""t' need to just aren't a61e' without the help of boundaries. At other times they like sharing' waiting' not hitting' our discipline' to ;;;d;-;pttblem to use ostand and think''After all' a and so on.These are the times not unfair if they have to cooperate kid's life is pretty good, and it's it or not' sometimes whether they like -Whether the problem is sharing toys' being gentle' using words out' being. obedient in an and not hitting, L"1"g p*itnt' hJlping and think' a game' J' -h"ttt'"r"stand emergency' learning tJ3oi" in it to. stop their first impulse' think followed by 'dealing' helps them are of action that is going to work'-We .noo'Z through, " "it"'* "rra behaviour' but to make it more aiming not to ''tt"' ao*"' their effective.
'soyouwantedtojoininthe.gametheotherkidswereplaying?' yotl at the other children?''Yep'''I)id 'Yep.''So you threw thlt thlrt tlicltr'f tttltkc' thcltt more fricndly?"Htil:rl!' notice
In our illustration above, the Stone Age Toddler, accustomed to being the 'centre of the known universe', starts in the left hand position. That's all right for a little baby, but not good as a liG plan. The aim of the discipline game is to have children over at the right hand position by age five, ready to start school. Always remember that your child really wants to be kind, friendly, and cooperative but needs help to learn how. Expect lots of repetition, but also a tense of steady progress. And always have lots of fun and nice times ln between the hassling. All toddlers are difficult. You don't want to crush them just becar,re they are showing strength. On the other hand, you dont lf,ent to always give in to them, because that teaches them that if they fuss and whine they will get their way. So it's a matter of being persistcnt and good httrrrottrecl.
"tt"t"'
Flrmlove 43
Sorttt'lrn('s vv('w,ult to t,rkt'tltt.t',rsy w,ly ()ut. lltrt tlrrs;usl
(it'(ting tlrc firlrrlovc :rttittltlc
It'lrr'ltt's r'lrilrlrcrr [() w:lllI luol]c, rncl t
'l'ltt. lrt't'tl firl'lirrrrltlv('('()lllcs ott itt;t llrg way wllctt yotrr t'lriltl is Irrotutcl otrc lucl a half to two ye:rrs olcl.The arrival of 'nattqhtincss' can bc disconcerting for the parent who just wants everything to be
L. l
I
h"ppy and gentle. Your baby shifts from an adorable if demanding little bundle, to a mobile tank on legs. It's a mental switch you just have to make. For parents of toddlers, firmlove involves realising that while you have just spent the last eighteen months trying to make your child happy, you sucldenly have quite the opposite situation.You must now, if you are doing your job, make ttrem quite unhappy - dozens of times a day at first, though hopefully only for a few minutes at a time' They will usually'help'you with this by choosing to do something really'unignorable' such as emptying the fridge or climbing into pot plants,
HavTNc LIKEABLE KIDS, oNE GoAL AT A TIME in one of our courses, was very frank.'I dont like children', she said.'I've got three, and what I've found is that I just don't like kids after alll'This is a problem because ifJodie doesnt like her own children, how will anyone else like thenr? It's her job to turn them into kids thar are likeable. To help heq we get more specific.'What changes will each child nced to make so rhatJodie can like them?We make a list. l. Her rwo year old will stop hitting and biting. 2. Her four year old will stop whingeing and complaining. .1. Her five year old will learn to carry our instructions rhe first time
Jod1e, a participant
The attitude you need is tough on the outside, relaxed on the inside. Don't let them think they are cute when they are being defiant or mischievous. It'll take weeks to undo the damage. Drop your voice, look serious, but at the same time feel good that they are gaining lots of learning from having this discipline altercation.
Whi-le softlove opens a child\ heart. firmlove gives them more backbone so that they will be strong and clear in the world as
he is asked. Softlove comes before firmlove, and we realise that Jodie is quite cxhausted and will need time out for herseHone day a week, as well ;l$ extra help from her husband.They resolve to give each other more <:arc and and practise firmlove skills together so they can -attention, hack each other up, He will reduce his working hours from fifty Ir.-r.rrs a,week to forry*five" so as to do this. Having well behaved kids will rneke him happier to spend more rime at home.
they grow up.
'What if I just give in for the sake of peace and quiet? day at the supermarket I decided that because my two year old daughter was fussing, I would let her get off the trolley and walk around the aisles with me.This was a big mistake! She not only r:rtt amok, she also expected thc' satne thing for the next ftrttr shrlll1liltq
one
When we see Jodie six months later, she is looking nruch more rll:rxt',1 :rrrd pcacefrrl. Her life is still hard work. but she is being gcrrtlcr on hcrscll, arrci fccling nrnch rnore successful with thc kids,
trips.Toddlcrs ltavc ltrctttorit's likc clcpl'rents!
t
How soon does disciPline begin?
what Getting discipline to work srnoothly is easy if you understand wh"t is going to work at different ages' ,o .*p.., "nJ Babies He is Little Lukah doesn't need discipline' He is four months old' pulls not yet able to crawl. He grins and plays with a rattle' and is a he because things to himself. He also ciie' (m"ny times a day) 'torfi"t brby that is how normal babies communicate their "nd hungry' he cries needs. His needs are simple - he cries when he is his tummy when he is lonely, he crles when he is wet' he cries if of crying' lot a to hurts, and he cries when he is bored'That adds up what is but if his Mum and Dad are on the ball' they soon know up' him fix to probably needed and are in there at the first whimper baby:'The big Lukah's Dad explains that he was a very high need him on my put to problem was gettiirg him back to sleep - I had ihould.. arrd go fo-r a walk around the neighbourhood. once at like a burglar about 4 a.m.the police pulled me up because I looked
with
Toddlers Babies'abilities quickly grow until soon they are crawling and thcn walking about, grabbing and pulling, chomping and poking everything in sight. The whole bottom third of your house is their domain. They are also discovering the use of words to make things happen -'Bottle!''Gimrne teddy!''Flugga me!'. with their new skills and mobiliry, your child is srarring ro do things and want things which you can,t possibly allow. So 'rnisbehaviour' emerges for the first time. A little baby doesn't deliberately misbehave * but a toddler is a different matter. your toddler will waik over to the forbidden place or thing, and flash you a grin that says, ''Whatya gonna do about it?'.you say,,No,, and they smile,'Oh yeah? Stop me'.
a swag'.
they Babies can be hard work, but they are not being naughty don't need are just trying to let you know their needs' They is sleep' need parents discipline,Sust iots of understanding'And what
i.
$ri
1.
s
Toddlers choose exactly what will'get your goat,, because deep down they are wanting to be stopped. This is an unconscious message saying,'I need some limits, Mum and Dad. please stop me $oing berserk'. (Teenagers too send this message, and we'll tark tbout them in a litde while.) It isn't all pure rebellion (though some of it is). sometimes,.,a toddler will just find it too hard to handle the demands of day it dny lifc. Sornetimes they will just be tired or hungry and best put down firr a sleep or givc' r s'ack - their mood will soon improve.
Flrmlavr !7
to Perhlps thcy will not wirrlt to be strapped into th.eir carse:rt to go they Or y-ard' the shops when something good is going on in the will want to crawl across the dinner table to sample what's on their big brother's plate. A kind parent uses all kinds of tricks to cajole a kiddy along' and a lot of the time this is just what is needed. For instance, one mother saved me a lot of trouble by explaining that if you give your toddler something delicious but time-consuming to eat when you go into the supermarket, they will sit happily in the trolley for I*""r, minutesl A11 the same, there will still be times when a child just has to be confronted and do what they are told, because 'I say so'.This age is definitely the firmlove fiesta'
(the feelings that led ro rhem playing up), and use firmlove i' a kirrd way so fhat they know you really want to help, not just persecute them. Tieenagers
Despite what people think, adolescents are generally beautiful, cooperative, interesting people. But they are still needing lots of involvement, and this includes some confrontations from time to time. It isn't right to use physical force with teenagers in any way, unless things are severe and you have professional t etp. so 'stand and think'becomes'sit and talk'. For example . . . What time did you come in last night?
Uh, about one? That\ what I noticed.When did you agree you would
I
said twelve, but
to
it
was hard
be
in by?
to get a ride. The others wanted
stay.
So you couldn't get a ride and that made you late?
Yeah. Can
Not
so
I watchTV now?
fast. How come you made a Ttromise to me that you courdn't
keep?
Well,I can't make the others bring me home! Did you know that could happen when you made
the promise?
Uhh, well,I didnt know. So you made a deal you couldn't really keep.
Preschoolers and older children ostand As children get beyond the toddler stage, you'll need to use and think'far less often (thank goodness). children will'deal'with you straight away most of the time. Listen to their side of the story I *h"t ,lh.y *".. feeling or needing - as it might well be valid' If good .as., then obviously you don't make them do they can -"k " things just because you want to be 'the winner''They will learn that it,s OIi to have feelings or needs but that sometimes they can't gct what they want or maybe they can if they go about it in a urorc fcclirlg acceptal-,le wty. Always fincl out frorrr tlrem what thcy werrc
tE
Morr r.crrtl of hrouv chlldrrn
Uhh, well,I guess
so.
so how can wefix that infuture?you do want
to
go out infuture?
Huh!Yes I do!
...andsoon. In the brain of a teenager around thirteen years of
age,
fferything is suddenly rewired. puberry is seting in, and it makes &enr likc a newborn baby. They can become forgetful, disorganised lnd slightly'out of their tree'. On the plus ,id., th. .hrng., €ottrbinc t. ,rak. fhcrrr vcry's
it can be a chlnce to €tet close to thern
to rtrnning atnok. So clcciclc to'stay with it'cvctt tltrottglr tlrcir lourlrrcss lnd scruggling. Always be firm without hurting. Say to them,'I will let yotr go when you stand still', then do it immediately they comply. Keep it simple and make it winnable. The first time, be h"ppy with a small improvement - a quick'sorry' or a token effort is
and
and aflbctionate hassled and busy when they were rebond. Especially 'f yot' were greater closeness. Labies, this can be a time to build thirteens' soon give way to Enjoy this time, because the 'Jopey Fourteen year olds can be like the 'cyclone season' of the fouttet"s' so
emotionaltlvoyearota'-testinglimits'wantingtostrugglewith thing you should do
6ack'The last you, and needing yt;;; struggle *""Iilg independence but needing to learn is ignore them.They "" time for parenting input' io [. ,"rponsible and careful - a peak
Soforfourteeny""totar,fir'rrrlo.r.comesintoplayonceagain' what time to be home at only thl, time about different issues cooking meals for the family' and night, picking "p
cnough the first time. They will calm down. They will cooperate. They will be praised for the new behaviour. And you will have a little lie down afterwards if you need it!
;";;ilthes'
The methods of firmlove you use keeping promises and agreements' you used with toddlers' with teenagers are fiff""'""t from the ones firm with you' so you wili but the principle it ;ht same''I will be and know how to handle the real learn to b" ,",po"'ibl" pt"o" " dishes' no dinner!' is what you world', is what yoo-"," are saying.
'fti"ting''No
we can only touch on in this Teenagers are a big topic which softlove and firmlove working book.It is clear thougfr that by getting children, you 1ill have we, with littre chiiiren and ,Ihoof "g. it comes along' goJ fo.rna"tio,' fo' t'"ndling adolescence when
a
ask about'stand and Questions Parents often
think' and'dealing'
much beJore' about a chili! iho ho' not been discipilineil and not,hing w.otks' of anil is uery naughty? I'ue tfieil lots .things is very
Q. What
thittk' to a child who 'stand ""d ready' Make sure it is a good day disobedient, then wait till you are help you and are clear in your when you have 'o-"ottt ihere to mind what You want to achieve' child the chance to fix it' When and if f'oUlt* arises' give the " in that-this will be a new way of dealing If they don't do 'fi", ""pf you have chosen and say with problems' Walk tliem to the spot cake' hit your sister) and yon have something tit."Vo" lift'"* the you did it' why it's a to stand here and think about it - why to move away' then no* you can fix- it'' If they try problem 'hold them"rrd firnrly, but safely without hurting'
A. If you
,r. i,,t'ld"cing
Next time, it will be a lot easier. Soon they will grow out of being difficult, and wont need more than a reminder to think about what they are doing and fix it. Q. Should I hold them in the thinking sptot if they won't stay therc? A. If they are little (one and a half to f\,vo and a half) allow them to rit or lie down - as long as they stay put. Stay close by and catch thcrn and put them back if they try to 'escape'.You will probably to do this once or twice.'When they are ready to talk, ask tlrenr to stand up and turn around to talk to you. An older child *ltould stand quietly facing the wall, not propped up against it. I)hysieally this keeps the child's attention on the one thing they :hor-rld be thinking about.They literally aren't squirming around the problenr, but are 'standing up' to the task you have given them. flxpllin tlrat only when he or she does this will you be willing to talk to thcrrr. tutrly need
Flrmlove
51
be when you usc this mclhod? Q. Hour old shoulil a chilit to have a certain A. For you to U" .,rit'g this methoi' a child needs If they can say 'Sorty"'Not amount of understanditg and language' them they offvideo' then they've got the message'Tell
hit' or'Flands something pleasant'You can come oo, ,-to*-"rrd get on with doing but don't make a big fuss'The can cuddle and catm th"it "ftt'*"rds' with life. until a child has these talking aim is to iet it g. "";;;;on diversion! you have to or" Ito" baby methods' like skills,
use a cotnet? a.Vvhry stand up, anil why distractions and helps A.This is for simple reasons' It cuts out other wall' and their attention' It is boring to face the
the child to focus just standing still' It isn't meant yont 1"g, get tired in a minute or so is to get the child to be either p"infrrl o' "-b"""ssing' The aim out of there'Tell them"You motivated to solve itt" proUt"* a"d g"t about what you should don't have to feel bad''you're there to think it out' we'll talk and you can have done.R, ,oorr ytu have figured ", come out'. is really used to standing Away from home' or once your child or corner'You can simply still when told to, yo,-ao"'"""d ' wall say,'Stand there and think" in any location' all ouet again' ,i.' ,*, chilil says he's sotty, and then iloes it out - it's the sign of a you A.The older they g"r,,t'" -ore they lry tricks: smart kid. Expect tile following confidence
.Ican,tstandandthink_Ihavetogotothetoilet.
. You don't understand . You don't love me. . I can't remember.
me'
I)orr't bc fooled.'['hcy ltlve to coltvittcc yor-r (bcforc yott lct tlte'ttt put) that they really are feeling sorry, and really are going to changc. 'l'hrough watching their body language, and through being alert eluring the dealing conversation, you will soon know if they are genuine. use this methoil? A. Yes, but only with some important modifications.'Stand and think' would be humiliating in front of peers other than brothers and sisters
Q. Can schools
schools we have consulted with tlow use a'thinking place'which is a chair, mat, stool, or beanbag'The
in a family setting. Many primary
thinking place isn't especially conspicuous, and shouldn't have a fuurniliating name like 'naughty chair'. The thinking place is used in tfie same way - to remove a child from the action, give them time And motivation to think, and keep them close by where you can see li'om their body language if they are ready to'deal'. And always a teacher or principal should deal with them soon. It irn't a sentence they are serving. Kids who play up do need your *ttention, so give it to them, through dealing with what happened. Remember to also give them attention when they are doing the right thing. Often in school, a round table discussion with affected children Cen be held on a rr1at or at a table. Problem solving skills are as intportant as the three Rs.
What about the old ways of discipline?
There has been a gradual evolution of discipline techniques in the lert fifty years. Hitting and hurting This was the old way. It made children frightened, it eroded any bving relationship, and it taught children that it's okay to hit if you tfs $igger. Children who were hit became fearful or broken spirited, €! they got angrier and struck back. Sometimes when these children others copped the anger that Ertw up, their own children, wives, and La,l beett stored in their bodies. Violent methods are harmful and have tto benefit. In some countries, they are against the law'
lhaming and blarning
This clrild is ttol sorrY'
This chilcl is rcaclY to clcd'
Tillren parents rightly began to reject hitting and smacking in the lgstts, thcy sornetimes had no other tools to put in their place, and &w skills i1 c11pttnltticeti6tt. So they often ttsed shanle, fear, blanrc Firlnlovn
!!
rr'a
*rrrk
af hroov chlldfCn
53
calling their chilclrcn no good, and a rnillion other narnes. The ,esult *as a damaged self, a wounding of the spirit. Shaming and blaming were often a failure as discipline too, because children be"r-" what they were called - lazy, stupid, selfish, fat, whatever' Kids who were shamed went one of two ways - either depressed and guilry or rebellious and angrY.
-
Rewards and consequences A good example of these are star charts, where a child gets stars for good beharriour, osually building up to some reward at the end of ihe *eek or when they have enough stars. Star charts can work well because they help parents focus on the positive, and they help the child have smaller goals to aim for. With some children this can make a 1ot of difference' Pocket money in a small quantiry some jobs which you just 'have to' do as your part in the family, and extra pay for doing extra jobs' is a mix of rewards which many families have found works well because it resembles the real world. Similarly,'natural consequences' work by letting the child have the problem they create - changing the sheets if they wet the bed, getting into trouble if they are late for school, and so on.As children of i", ota.a they are more and more able to learn from thetoresults happen. this ihei, actiorrs and it is important that parents al1ow Natural consequences arent enough on their own - for example, the conseqo.rr.. of running on the road would not be a good idea.
Time out Time out has become a popular recommendation of parenting experts. It means sending your child to their room' usually for about five minutes, to cool off. It has literally saved a lot of children's lives, because it gives parents time to cool off too. So it is a coping to almost everyone at times. I use it myself with strategy, "rrJor.frl a toddler when I am hot and bothered and just want some peace for a few minutes. But in itself, time out is not a discipline method because it doesnt involve teaching or thinking about change.
Flere are some examples of what parents tell us about time out: because my child has fun in their room, they havcr so many toys!' or'He smashes the room up, breaks things, and
,It doesnt work
* sometimes gets out of the window' or 'It works well for me mainly as a chance to cool off. But it doesn't always change t[t' behaviour. She often just does it all again ten minutes later'. 54 More cocrotr of hoPPY chlldren
The key differ.ences herween lrime our' and istand and,think]
t ,
'Sta+d and think'is quicker.'When the .tila is in rlr* corner in the same room with you, you are able to see straight away when they. have fini*hed thinking alour their U"t a'viou.. ii encourages rapid resolution.
wrth istand and rhink,,Th;,;hiid "a-dirti"ctions srays put until they a" ifte ihmfoirrg th.i l".! *o ao, tr [e#, the probleT *rrl the child. ^ 'Stand and think' isn't a punishment. It's a thinking 3. and teaching rime. It doesn't create resentment. The child can end rhe pioc,ess by cooperating at any ume, and so is usua[y out within a rninute or, twal l, ,: 2, There
#*
,
4. 'Dealin$' cxeate$ iloseness, not'distance, Nalrghty kids don;t need isolation - they usually need more inrense conract.The dealing conversation ,ho*, that you care, and you want to help thcm solvc their prclblems.
Firunlovo 55
out if you feel you arc ln In danger of hitting yoru ihild, or otherwise really need a break' fact, you .rr, r,rr. ii preventively by saying,'I want us both to cool down now. Please go to yoo, room and play quietly'-'You may wish to have a 'dealing' conversation afterwards, so that you know Wc rccotnmend that you only use tirne
something has been changed.
Hetping older children with moral decisions
Some childhood dilemmas afen't so much discipline questions values questions. You want your child to decide for themselves what is the right thing to do' You can't make kids take on your their values. nut yoJ ."t h"ip them figure out all the angles about as
behaviour. In the lorr| ,r'rn, this means they will do the right because they believe it is the thing when you are ,t-ot "roond, right thing. patty' Sara, ri"d ,rirr., was asked by a friend to go to her slumber that She happ"ily agreed. Her friend, a shy girl, was really pleased Sara had^accepted - there were only three giris attending' Then out of the blue, Sara was invited to a church camping weekend by another friend - but it clashed with the date of the party. Sara really wanted to go on the camp, but it meant breaking irer acceptance of the party' Her parents didn't force her to keep the agreement - that *ooid have just led to sulking' But they discussed the trrvo parts of the problem with her: Respecting her friend's feelings' 2. Keeping an agreement' 1.
These were important principles' Sara's parents gently pointed
out that'something b.it., h"' tornt up'is no excuse for it disappointing ,o*.orr-. who is counting on you' They also said
was Sara's decision, and they wouldn't hassle her once she had at decided. Sara reluctantly declined the camping trip' and- had fun showing for her the slumber paffy. FIer parents felt really proud of so much character. Children and teenagers won't always make the decision you are just hoping for. But making mistakes is part of the lesson' Also' it's ,"-o,Ily possible that |ou might be wrong and that they might bc right - a sobering thought!
56 Ma'- rarrotr
rrf hloov chlldren
1
t T
\b
Bw
.#,.
ieE
Should I smack? - an important decision every parent has to make It's getting dark, and the highway is heavy with traffic going home for the night. People hurry along the footpath and a light rain has begun to fall. A little child's yelling catches my attention - a young mother is talking at a payphone outside a shop, at the same time trying to keep her toddler in check. He wants to run and play at the kerb, where rainwater is gurgling and splashing. But the cars and trucks are dangerously close by.You can feel her frustration - she is alternately raging angrily with whoever is on the phone, then shouting at her youngster that she will 'teach him to behave'. FIe whinges, and struggles to pull free.Then it's ali too much. She drops the phone, grabs the neck of his tiny windcheater, and gives him a backhanded blow across the face that makes his head spin.
Attitudes have changed It used to be an everyday event, forty or fifty years ago, to see children being beaten by adults. People did it in public, and nobody uruch batted an eyelid. Attitudes to hitting children have changed, just as they have changed to men hitting women. Today, a bruised child is a police matter. Eighty per cent of parents say they still snrlck thcir chilclrcn oc:r:asi
,[.llcrclrcstilllltllllypc0plctlt
them,anditstillishurting'e"ttndlttgitfidn'thurtisthechild's hold inside
they first defence against humiiation' And the anger comes out later in many different ways' issue' From a It's time we were more honest about this whole humfiating' From a parent's child's viewpoint, smacking is scary and zny clear cut point point of view, it is risky. iltky b"t'":: there isn't an angry venting of where a smack b."o*., a hit, and a hit becomes much is enough? Can we parental frustration. How do we know how honestlysaywhenwearehittingforthechild's'benefit"andwhenit's it's j;;,. make us feel better? Or to get revenge? Can we honestly say one? angrywith, andnot a lot of things rolled into .irrrt th. child we're *otkl except in The bottom line is that smacking really doesn't
trust - so children get the very short term. It eats away at love and who defiantiy say"It crankier still. I have seen lots of children immune to it' The didn't hurt! I don't care!' - learn to become in the street or supermarket ;;;;"" who whale into their children ,r. .le"rly losing control of their children' not gaining it' Why do Parents smack their kids?
Thefactofitis,ifwe'rehonest-wehitchildrenbecauseofour with
them' Or often own needs.-We are scared of losing control over just runs out^ We feel young children, our nurturing energy a moment to ourselves' exhausted, sieep deprived, we never have 'I:".t, got needs The slap is just o.,,' i""t' self striking back' saying just jabbed you in too'.It can be a self protection instinct - they've you with a the eye as you put ;hem in their carseat' or banged spoon as you straighten their bib' 1 -,- our At this "g., "ltild'en can't always understand or notlce an make a strong urge to feelings or our words to them'Yet we feel So smacking or hitting impact, to have an effect on their behaviour' 5B Mor*r soctGtfl ol lrappy childron
tlrcrn to 'gct drcir ettcntion' is lr rrrrttrntl urgc. Wc ltcctl to rcsist tlris rurge, and can do so if we improve our skills itt contrcctirrg witlr children and making them take notice. Some smacking advocates are compassionate and concerned people. They often argue that if not controlled early by a light tap, children will become even naughtier, until their parent loses all patience and gives them a real hiding. Their theory is that little hits prevent big ones. However, my experience is that parents who give little hidings also give big ones - the little hidings soon don't work. Kids get resentful, they hit their own brothers and sisters, or hit you back. Itt importanl to draw the line, and the realistic place to draw it is back at square one. If we decide neuer to hit our children - as I and many people I know have done - then we are committed to finding better ways.
Discipline without srnacking We do have to discipline children. And words alone are not enough with very litde ones. It's certainly necessary to sometimes hold and restrain litde children to help them to calm down and behave.This can be done quite safely.'Stand and think' has been adopted successfully by thousands of parents. It's a matter of training your child as they grow
And there will still be 'impossible' times in the rain in the street, where it's just a matter of 'pick up and carry'.You have to keep your rcnse of humour.It's lucky toddlers are small - it makes them portable. By the time adolescence comes along, there should never be any need for fear or intimidation. If kids run away from home, or are violently defiant, this almost always means that communication has broken down years back, and parents have been relying on aggression rather than a mixture of love and assertiveness. Many people block out the memory of the pain they felt as children - and so go on inflicting this pain on their kids. As a counsellor, I know what pain is involved. I have heard too many people talk - with tears in their eyes - about the humiliation and fcar they felt when a parent went out of control. My patients show nlc the broken blood vessels in their legs from being'smacked' as cltildren. Flairdressers tell me many of their clients have nicks and bare spots and scars under their hairline from blows on the head when they were little. The scars are even bigger on the inside - if a child cannot feel safe and secure with its own parents, how can it feel rafi' iu thc worlcl? up.
Flrrvrlove li9
Evidence is ro srop hittine children. reason anorhcr Thcre,s ttti' parents will tell their *ith f""f childre;;; '"f" mounting that been sexually for instant""f *tty have something;;o"g if parents f"" and shame as discipiine "'" the blame' assaulted. When n""t;;;d*ly to tell, in case they get children -tli"f.;i;"# tools, rhen Kids who are never
r'*r".''a::y:f# fft"t:J':il1#'#ltt:
lJi,in'.';tfr
'ffi'Jfi i,'lu:r;::::';':J';il4,"pr""
Making the decision we think that it ,, ,i*" for of "^ controlling
ir,"
us as
children
n,,t it"p i, ,i-*pr..vo"
It never
'ii iti thil';
place.We
.we
"'" "'"""U' y""*tffor
are
""d
grxeful
fo""d o**l""s giving little heater' Being
"u
btg"" Pltting them into
*
Remember-"1*"y,andonlydowhatworksbestforyou''Stand
possible strings to your and think' and'dealing' are just tvvo-.more they can make a lot of bow. As this letter froit " family indicates' 'difference:
i''lha'c
smacks
a strong-
b"h"-ou'l;;;;t okt touchinsuluthe ir"t and made a habit of i"tp"*td about willed child, our '";;;';"; tlrat we were miserable f"""a * U"r""i;;;' repeating ttt" either' So we teaching him much *"""'' #; cry him paren$ neuer making discovered that some ;;;;"i*s'We fb' besan to search tl.?tt there were whole countrles childlei';;;h"' their sniacked the firm and child'We J'o lt""t"d where it was 'il"gi;;''**it ' ila used by thousands of taught in this Ucl"it' clear forms of discrpline parents around the'world'
dowhattheyaretoldwhennecessary.Yourkidswillstillbenormal :-; year olds will stil1 be hard work, and fourteen year olds will you can address still be cyclonic. But by knowing how to respond on with the get ,h"r" ,rrg"s confidenity "t'd ciea'ly. and then
$::11i1"#$T"L""o-" w'rk
il:';;; ;ru,T""1i;frF'fi ::ill":Jli to"' a'" ablt to^be mastered' Such method' W-hile raising oo' for certain
can give ttp By using firmlove methods, you can win both ways'You yet you oi ,-"Jting and blaming, which no one really enjoys' And kids the and in charge, can have a household *il.r. the adults are
enjoyablelnd pleasant parts of family life
hitting as a way parents to abandon
*"1,1
Conclusion
practice at our
way' h1"-: found a better
-
where conflicts can be
a peacefd;;;i; '"""'" n.;o';;;d non-vio1"":tl *" ::,"1,:" :::: manaq::li beginning' If we can't ;; -"manage 1t m
ttoti., we will
", the Middle "^--
never
Dea,r
ltewanl,iluaroA
w sewin"ar in O cto b u, an"d' in tlu, ro ryhty, ryi oy d'i rl*, u, * * I s.til'L ke*y an^od'ux lad'y I tot** thtto' torch, wi*h 'tl We
Uo
atte4ltl'
*
t
yo
rrroi*t
cau*e a* an appro pt iato Anto
bunnro wo [ww't want to beat out sow Catey' bt* diTnt kn^oururhata d^o' NootCarey (tu'}eflf/'
i*'tt*
u rwt' an'd' rays't tnth'inking about it' an^oLthptpars in ow e,yu arcfro,wjoy - los n at*'t
uql*
w^ontta S
tto^lt toi*tq
ruotburanl,Dad^d'
East'
ii Y"" find Yourself .in can make this
agreement, You chiid commitment too' Your
their come to know that never' ever' mother or father will That thcY pftYrt.'U, harm them' l of. in their own hotrrc' Wh:rt "i" beautiful wlY to trc"
will
Firrrrlovo 61
Doing what your hcart
-Ww ,'m Wfu,w' #
Taking €are with childca!'e It's 9.30 in the morning when the phone ringsOn the line is a young professional woman whom I know onlv slightlv. She is in tears. She has just baby boy at a childcaie left her f""t *""ttt "ia jnd is now sitting at hei centre ficr the first time, desk on her first dav back at work. The baby was distressed to be left, she was ansuished to leave him. She can't concentrate on hei work - all she can think of is her baby, who has scarcely been away from her in his whole short life.What should she do?
says
Mrry pcople
woulcl say to thc you'g'r.trrcr rctrrrrrirrg t. w.rk, 'what's the proble'r?The child will soon settle clow''.Aftcr;rll, tlris ca' happen with a five year old, too, on their first day at sclr''|, rrrrrr they are usually soon over it and settling in happily. shor_rlcl''t shc just put it out of her mind and concentrate on h., job a'cl hcr workmates?
As we talk it over, it emerges that it isn't just a problem of a tearful parting. This young woman has a deep ambivalence about returning to work. we discuss the pressures on her, trylng to separate what are her own feelings and what are the wishes of others around her. Many of her friends have their babies cared for in creches and are *orLirrg. Her husband wanrs her to go back to work - the money will be welcome. Her employer wants her back at work she has onlv been away five months in total. But as she talks, it's clear that she is not happy.-what she wants is to be with her child. Gradually, she begins ro settle on what she will do. She decides ro meer with her boss and explain that she has changed her plans, to apologise for this, and thank him for being understanding. After negotiation with her boss, she in fact takes a whole further year off, and then returns only part-time. Shet lucky - to be a skilled person, and to have a partner whose income can support the family - so that she can choose to do this. She is enormously relieved to be following her own heart, and not the 'shoulds'put onto her by society and those around her.
Childcare
-
a new invention
From time immemorial, most children have been raised close to home by a combination of their parents and close relatives, in a village or neighbourhood setting. So the work (and the pleasure) of raising children was shared amongst those who loved them. 'fhroughout the non-industrial world even today, children and lclults spend their days together.you will see mothers at work with b.bies in slings, and littie children accompanying men to work in tlrc fields. It is only in the wesrern world that we shut our children (lrrcl or"rr old people) away from the mainstream of life. o'c hulrclrccl years .go most men workecl with thcir wives ;rrrl l;rrrrilics r'l.sc by -()7%,.f Ar-rstrlliau rrcr w.rkccl withirr w:rlkirrg Who will rrri*(! your ehlltlren? 63
of lrortre:. Theu, with industrialisation uren began to travel to clistant work leaving women and children, often isolated and lonely, at horne. In the sixties women decided they wanted to work too, and joined men in a flight from the home. clistuncc
Reduced wages, single parenthood and unemployment have meant that many women haue to work, as well as raise a family. To deal with this, there has been a raptd upsurge in childcare provisions of various kinds. Today, we talk of the childcare 'industry' and finding suitable childcare is a subject close to the heart of almost every parent.
So today's parents have an option that in the past was only available to the extremely wealthy.We can pay professionals to mind our children all day. If you can overcome the problems of waiting lists, the cross-ciry drives, and your fears about qualify of care' then with the help of government subsidies, and encouraged by strong ideologies about your rights to do so, you may have your children cared for from birth to adulthood by complete strangers. (Once at school they can have before- and after-school care, holiday care, and weekend learning camps.You hardly need to see them!) We know that 700,000 young children are in some kind of formal care in Australia, and many children will spend up to 12,000 hours there before they reach school age.
The second biggest decision a parent makes The decision to have children is probably the biggest decisio' you ever make in your liG. Deciding who wllr raise your children is the second biggest.we use the word'raise'because the first five years are well known to be the time of maximum intellectual and emotional growth. Children who go into care at two or three rnonths of age, and stay for seven or eight hours a day, ate basically spending their childhood in care. Whar kind of person they become - how they are comforted, how they are disciplined,
what values and attitudes they will take on - will be the composite of the input of a large number of people, with widely varying styles and values. These children will certainly be adaptable! But will they be capable of intimacy? How will they integrate all these messages? The rwo big questions - whether to have children, and who will care for them - are interlinked. As more than one creche director has told us in private (after fighting off the pressure from parents to take younger and younger babies for longer and longer hours), ,[ dont know why some of these people have children at all!,. Itt a fair comment.
The cuckoo culture In the last ten years a kind of 'cuckoo culture' has developed. (Cuckoos are birds which lay their eggs in other birds'nests ro be by them.) This trend has been encouraged through young women's rnagazrnes, and by media role models who portray this lifestyle as ideal. In some circles, having your kids raised for you is raised
of success - the desirable norm. inclufing freedom from the inconvenience of children. At the extreme end of the spectrum, there are sections ofAustralian society where children have become little more than a fashion accessory - window dressing - wheeled eiut for a photo opportunity and then shufled off to be attended to by others. It's fashionable to 'have' kids, but not necessarily to be encumbered by them. We humans are very conformist creatures, and the perception that'everyone does it'makes childcare as a choice seem harmless or evcn beneficial. So fashion, as nruch as real hard data, often inflrrcnc:cs tltcsc irrrporturrt clcc:isions. seen as a measure
'We
are a society that worships'freedom',
Wha wlll nlrr
rrx,,.
4!
is a-worry' the While the growth of this'arnl's length'parenting Most parents do want to vast majoriry of parents are not like this' for them' and ate willing raise thlir o*r, .Lildr"n, do want the best goals to a to sacrifice career aspirations and recteational or social those in even men high degree to achieve these aims' Increasingly parenthood over favour that public iife - are making decisions career. Sadly, many parents feel forced
by economic need to return to with immense work when their children are young' They do so a n-ice. home' toys' regret. Others are confused, wanting to provide time with their children school fees, but not wanting to miss out on know the real cost before either. Whatever the reasori, we need to making a decision.
A personal view
objective look at originally planned to write this chapter as an the safe way - to sum the childcare choices parents can make' It was and worrying debate' and ,rp tfr" arguments lr, *h't has been a long leave you to reach your own conclusions' have I soon realised, though, that to write in this way would a parent by reading been wrong' I don't -""k" my decisions as when it comes to the statistics or studies. I listen to these' but is what good crunch, I go on how I feel' Trusting intuitionwould prefer prr."rlng iJa[ about. I'm guessing that you as a reader scientific fence to hear my honest opinion' as opposed to pseudo sitting. many I have strong concerns about childcare as it is used bydoes to b.li""e that the damage it sometimes p"r"rrr, today, ""nd long term kind' ,orrt* children is of a hidden and I am not alone. Professor Jay Belsky' probably the foremost academicinthefield,arguesthat.theevidenceofdamageissubtie; support but it is enough that in1986 he reversed his longstanding rhe world's for childcare for children under three. In early 1'994, storm of a c1e-a1ed foremost parenting author, Dr Penelope Leach' Children First' I have concern by ,"yrng"the same things, in her book babies and toddlers in always felt uneasy about the piesence of parents, childcarers, ancl creches.The more I have talked to people experiences - the tnorc adults who remember their own childhood my inner couvictiotts hltvcr bccu strcngthened'
I
hi
I
I
cannot prove what I anr about to say.'flrr but like all parents, I c:rn't press l pause button on my children's lives until it's finished. All I can tcll you is my point of view, so you can choose to agree, disagree, or keep an open mind. nrrrst stress that
research hasn't been done yet,
It is my belief that: 1. Long day care of children under three, in an institurional setting like a creche, will result in those children having a seriously deprived childhood experience. The younger the children are when they enter childcare, and the longer the hours they spend there each day, the more serious will be their deprivation. 2. The problems and deficits will occur in many areas, but especially in those relating ro emotional stabiliry indmacy and trust, and learning to develop lifelong relaxation and a peaceful inner world. This damage will be masked by an
apparent gain in superficial social skills which actually reflect the childt straregies for coping with this environment-
3.
In the longterm, these deficits will lead especially to problems in forming and keeping longterm relarionships. The general mental and physical health of these children is likely to be affected, and when they grow up they may have difficulry bonding wjth and caring for their own children.
In short, my belief is that except in those cases of parents who or genuinely incapable of raising their own children, young children are always berter off being cared for by tomeone who loves them. Professionalism of staff and richness of are seriously impaired
nurroundings, while important, don't touch on the question of love. Young childrent bodies can be kepr safe and their minds occupied,
but their deeper, more subtle needs cannot be met .*."p1 by tofreone with a fierce, longterm commitment to them. This is not lolltething you can buy.
Wha wlll rlrr.,^.,r
The pluses of childcare The dangers of childcare suggested above have to be set alongside its benefits.It's clear to anyone associated with families:
. . .
.
That all parents need breaks from the lonely and unnatural world of being at home alone with little children' That women have as much right as men to have and develop careers, and to be economically independent. That children in day care learn social and other skills, have enriched input and stimulation, and in many cases love and enjoy their time in creches, family day care, or other childcare situations. That some parents are so il1 equipped (materially or personally) that children are safer, happier and better off being cared for professionally for most of the time.
dtcir Mttttt lrrrd l)acl)? Or clocs it rcprcscnt u serious loss
These pluses are well documented, and widely accepted.
.Bur
wnar
MOTHERS
Fearlessly facing the facts The pluses are real but so are the negatives. For a long time, however, the negatives have been suppressed - fot feat of making parents feel guilry or for fear of inviting even closer scrutiny and questioning of the childcare 'industry'. I think the first reason is patronising, and the second is dishonest. Childcare professionals often have a well intentioned' but (I think) misplaced tendency to protect parents from concern. For example, there has been a long and important campaign by childcare academics and government centres to bring in national standards of childcare. This campaign was vigorousiy opposed by the private sector of the industry. A spokeswoman supporting better standards was quoted as saying, 'We didnt want to create hysteria by emphasising cases where untrained fifteen year olds were left in charge of forty-five children'. The intention is admirable, but why should parents be seen as more hysterical than any other group? Parents care intensely about their children, and should be informed. Is the rapid and widespread adoption of childcare a terrible thing? Or is it a wonderful breakthrough for parents - setting them free to hrve a better life? Is it a boon for children, given that many of us nfc'ssiourrls lo crrrc for thern (insteacl of arnttettrs likt'
.g5G$grt
ltcr€tc of happy childr$n
m
I HRw No cHoICE?, = FORCED TO
\vHO ARE
\VORK
Many mothers with low income earning (or unemployed) partners, or single mothers, simply have no choice b.rt to *ork.
eventhoughtheywouldstronglyprefertobewiththeir
children. (This is a tragedy of nationar scale.A narional response
," t:
the chaprer on parent
pay.) 1 1r:.rr::O ]" My beliefis that children can adapt to difEcurt circumsrances if rhey understand the necessity.They can also intuit the truth. If
your,chi1dre".h:*youwouldratherbewiththem,butthat
you have no choice, then the effect on their self esteem is not nearly as severe as if they feel you just aren,t interested in them - that you wouJd rather be somewhere else.
Undermirirg the confidence of young parents
Sometimes young parents returning to work *r11
tiat they are "rg; thar their child would b. L.tt.. offwith a carer'Yet it isn't as simple as being a good or bad parent - very few of us are good at it to begin wlth. Through ih. hoors spent together, you become a good parent for that child. That's what a relationship (as opposed to , ,.rrri..) is all abour. childcarc can actually undermine your confidence. sometimcs p;lrcnts fccl rhrrt it r,lkt.s thc situlti.' worse. They losc: r:o'ficl.rr.c not'good'at parenting
Who will ralrr yogr chlldrtn? 6?
as loving nor and can bc tnacle to fccl alienatcd fronr their chilcl, not others seem as capable or interesting as the childcarer' The better self esteem your lower abie io handle your baby or toddler, the give them skills' sinks. It is more helpful to work with a parent - to them - rather for teach them more positive interactions, and to care question. than to bypass them and care for the baby.It's a sensitive child's y-ou1rg a of Stabihry and consistency, the underpinnings impossible to attain in childcare' Even'quality' care still
sToPJ, DRlNc" IHEr'1;A(i THTRT'S NEW RTSTARCH]
world, seem individuals ,n."rN yotr, .hild gets looked after by dozens of different realiry, in the course of the four or so years before starting school. In found study recent a we cannot even organise the same location of care in that some families had to access up to four different kinds study an average week to cover the hours they needed' Another had to found gr:"at i.rconsistencies bef,ween centres, which children deal with in the round of a normal day'
Finding a balance that isn't a compromise
can be a Life with toddlers in a lonely suburban house or apartment activities recipe for insanity if it is unrelieved by adult contact and of wellbeing the for So other than housekeeping and parenting' adults and children, we need ways of providing saG care' work well Friends, f",,'ily day carers and chiidcare centres can all at different times of a child's life in different combinations to improve a family's liG greatly. The key is to know what children's ,""i ,r".d, are. This has been the missing piece in the discussion so not the far. childcare was invented for the convenience of adults, needs or wishes of children.Those were an afterthought' is Research evidence, along with a revival of plain commonsense' good a is leading to a re-versal of the idea that a creche childhood the towards move definite childh-ood. I predict that there will be a
useofchildcaretoaugmentparenting(ratherthanasitissometimes (and hope) used today, as a virtua] ,eplaie-e"t for it)' I also predict that the use of childcare for babies and toddlers will be drastically reduced as parents realise the psychological and other costs' As we leave the 'you can have it ali' eighties, and enter the'get andoarm's real' nineties, we are taking a fresh look at many things' childcarc length' childraising is one of them' People queuing-for a way' soon be m.t by a rush of people heading the other pl"J.
-"y
70 Morr lr(rltr ol haPPY
chlldron
'working mothers who send therr young children to childcare centres may suffer from high levels of depression because of tbe separation, a new srudy has found. Some mothers lapsed into a depresion serious enough to justi$' treatment by a psychiatrist, the study revcaled.
'About eighty Melbourne mothers, who were putting their infants aged under two in suburban day care centres while working for financial needs, were interviewed by a University of Melbourne researcher- The study found that wrrhin th. firrt two months of using childcare, many women complained of anxiety after being separated from their children. The anxiety sometimes led to depression. Four of the eighry *o*"r, *.r. suftering from severe cliruial depresion. 'About one in three of the working murx said they would have preferred to have srayed at home with their child instead ofworking and leaving their child in day care. 'Another group of eighry mothers who stayed at home to care for their children did not show the same levels of anxiery., ('Working mums feel the pain of leaving children', the Mercury,Hobarr, 13 February
19b3)
Y'
l
i
Wtro will rai*n your childron?
7l
Why parents choose childcare There are four main reasons why parents return to work.
FOR STAYING SNVBN SHAMELESS REASONS KIDS Ann stvrerr HOME w*t"ol
1. Real financial need
"ouR
*ffi ffirst.step" ;f '*':'*l:to*"ot't't"itt"'J ' lrTr,:"$lr;them$JI*l,' ilH'""J, their : enjoy
seeing words?
take
lxtt, trto"ri'"oit"""t tft"
"lY
gt1 tft^t glorious affection
* ** I can fo rl'H'iffi*::':Jxil:Tfft them tit'" t do' " as
,.
3.
Many families need both parents to be employed to survive.
one
;.1il;;"*';";i;;'N1o":.r'""*s l-i'* fastidious about safetv' about
r'm "t;;;;;; about sensitiviw to their feelings and guarding "*"t*''"fiJ" nl UelnS around af the fut;^t what media *t, "*-*ttta y j""i i",r" ,o t"k"lt'*tt' on these issues * I know they are t1::
Many single mothers, too, need to work to provide adequateiy for their kids. For these families, childcare is a necessity of life. In one survey, 62% of employed mothers indicated they would prefer to stay at home while children are below school age.
super
I work together 4. I enjoy *o"tilrg i;iil. and like dorng ,",ell we .u*ol.i.rr, each other in parenting, I
*1 n"'*tt
and
makes us closei' *t ffi il*7rttt' i't something else,othat*oln self esteem thai I have 5. I,m poor and proud - I oi a fancy
clothes don't need great'furniture or expensive t"'''t''i';;;; " 'nob'that r .don,1 leed monev house "na ki{s are my Jewelrery' beyond the bare essentials' My who feel
safe
kids I'm lary -0, '*"*[tt"tJ ""a ""1t*trta later on' I'm myself easy.for and settled, , ,J"*?tirrg it ;;;"ffittt 'iol""t"tt And I'm teaching nlanning * t;t 'rl*;-fif,y kit'di ho"sework' "f affection, the freedo.m 7.l,rn.into it'- I enjoy the flqres' tfiewill spend mv time' the ;;:id"io* to set my own ;;l; tht e-ffttt of the it"totts
6.
1
p."""t'' ;Y kids'keeP m" Y::"s'and that I
social get togethers with other
;;;;;'i';;;
therr worlo' (for this sho* time) the centre of
am
2. Perceived financial need Many couples feel that they need to work, but on closer examination this is based on a desire for a relatively high standard of living. As couples rnatry later and have children later, perhaps they have grown used to a high disposable income. A few decades ago, 'going without' was a normal part of life with young children and less of a concern. our media images and expectations, and a competitive rather than supportive kind of society, mean that standards of
income are much higher than actually required.
3. Peer pressure Many mothers feel they'should'go ro work, that this is the 'done thing', and that they are somehow defective if they just'want to raise children. Feminism has been ambiguous
about motherhood, and the nurture of children has sometimes been devalued. For a mart to prefer parenting to the full*time paid workforce is also seen as rather unusual. 4. Enjoyment of career Some mothers find their career so satis$zing and enjoyable that it competes favourably with being at home with children. Sometimes their partner is more interested in fulltime parenting;, and so they reverse roles. At other times rrcithcr partncr is so kc.' on being with the children, encl thcy plrrcc thcir clrildrcrr lowc'r irr tlrcir prioritics. Who wlll nltt
rralr rhllJ'no
t?
the In Australia 26% of mothers are back in 1o-rl*{orce, 11{ child is one'.45Y0 their time havine their child cared for, by the 59% are ,r. *lrking by tbe time their youngest child is four' is six' Fathers are rn working bv the time their youngest child 1.'Jt"lpp'o*i*"ttf 70% ot families (and are the
ffi;tt' ;;^;;
care giver
nluo.,t
5% of famitie$'
practice. isnt a hobby, isn,t a ".rd-it fair weather kind of thing.There may be whore stages of the life rycle that you find very dificult - not all mothers like babies, some people find toddlers imposible, orhers d"islike reenagers, and so. on, -bvery parent at some time feels like giving up and rerreatrng.
If you do have a choice but just don't like parenting ih. "rr"ll"Uitity of childcare
from babyhood has meant that many planning to have the bulk of people decide to have children, while theircaredonebyothers'otherparentsfeelthattheyarenotreally *ry good at parenting, and so it is better done by others'
ThD\Trylt
But there are usually reasons behind this that are worth g"T1g.r" the bortom of. rrs In tacrng up to many crises and not giving in that we learn and come to really know ourselves and find how to be with children in a satisf ing and happy way.
Is there a childcare s)mdrome? (How can if childcare is harming my child)
I tell
In the sixties, there was some concern about whether institutional
B o
t anV l\ o
^) I D,, l\
,L rl J---
the facr is, many of us are nor good parents to begin with. fut parenrhood Ir comes wirh
r,,
childcare harmed children. However, the research seemed reassuring - on the measures used, there was little if any difference. If anything, children in day care were more sociaiiy skilled, and somewhat more independent and assertive. critics of these studies pointed out that almost all studies were of high quality centres, ,rr.rrily on university campuses convenient to the researchers, and far from representative of the real world. So in the seventies, the direction swung to investigating what was meant by 'quality', and whether this made a diff.rerrc.. It Ls found, not surprisingly, that smaller groups, better educated carers, high staft" ratios, all improved the outcomes.There was a risk identified of,apathy and distress'among in larger groups, and'boredom and tuning infants out'amongst older children ifprograms were not well designed. In the eighties, researchers began to suspect that ihe kind of quality care parents want for their children might just not be possible in a formal setting. A secure, warm attachment to carers emerges again and again as the problem area. Gay ochiltree, in rumming up the research for her book, children in Austrarian Itamilies (Australian Insriture of Family Studies 1gg2), poinrs our thc rcllity of high staff turnover in centres: 'The loss of an attuchurcrrt frgtrrc curr bc vcry painfirr to ;r yo,'g chilcl. wlrcrr Who wlll mlrc vour chlhlrrn?
?t
tlrcsc obscrvarions arc juxtaposcd with the 40% annual turnovcr among centre based childcare providers and 60% turnover among home based providers, there is tremendous cause for concern'. Although these are American figures, there is a similar trend in Australia to high turnover because of the low pay and status of childcare workers. In a penetrating and careful article,'Infant Day Care, a Cause for Concern', Jay Belsky (who we mentioned earlier) analysed the entire body of research, collected from hundreds of studies from around the world in all imaginable conditions. He found that there were suggestions of specific and recurrent damaging effects which emerged in many studies which, if not proven, were strongly indicated, especially when the research picture was looked at as a whole. In particular, he found four outcomes that were of concern in children who had entered childcare before the age
figures co'rc ancl go, where the d:ry is noisy and there is no privutc space, children learn to fend for themselves. They may learn not t. place too much trust in adult figures, including their own mother, who is nor there for them for much of the day. They cope as best they can, some probably better than others. For parents, then, the question, ,Is childcare harming my child?' can be answered with some clariry.If the child is reguiarly displaying a combination of the four symptoms listed above, then the answer is probably -'Yes'.
of one:
. A pattern of withdrawal from and avoidance of the mother figure - babies and toddlers who did not approach their mothers, or see their mothers as sources of The childcare experience seemed to make these little ones angry at their mothers, so that they did not turn to her for comfort. Their attachment was either displaced elsewhere, or they did not form strong reassurance.
.
attachments.
Heightened aggressiveness - a tendency in the present, as well as iater in school life, to use aggression, hitting, swearing, fighting, rather than talking through, walking away, staying calm.
. Non compliance - ignoring or defying adults'requests or comrnands, doing the opposite, being rebellious. . Social withdrawal - walking away, avoifing adult company, keeping to themselves.
These four effects were found across a wide range of studies impoverished, middle class, upper class, in unstable f"-ily day care, high quality centres, poor quality centres, and even with at home babysitter care. The effects are not surprising. Placed in the average childcare centre where other children compete for attention, where adult
76 Moro rocret* of lroppy childron
I51I.AT /IANYOOR DADDY
?
rh
ucn suR.EHgGOTANTI.D. H,AO
l
'You cAN srer rlrn cruibc
ffil',
we came While researching and interviewing parents for this section' also primary some ,.o.Jing cofiunents from parents who were across
kids have beeq in da1'-,naib atrdicieches b ' starring school.They are really different'' .ttihard to describe _ they are kind of colder, less interested in vou as a person.They can be quite good ar manipulation'' '- itori liftle ones come along holding Mummy's hand - they are
.i"tl',{;fi1,' *rri.tr
mother,::,t"" anxious, but they soon pass on the trust from their Childcare (the teacher). They are very affectionate and contactable' peison'.juit th*r ti"ia*t"e itk:;u'n
;
" i;;ti;;;-nil;*o+o*u.iaont'*".itneir.p eiihll-thevnli$t
';Cila;rn ;Jm;'kirid';r
from day care, and go back to it after school'' Save met tots'of a{t1 g'trld the irnpre-s'*i mele ,,.,,,1You get all right' get have no lpecial f.ing about it any more' rhev s;1o1 They are on with in. ary. but itt with a kind of resigned feeling'
fr"u.
.o*.
tHl
Triir's Atrr sdrrutoN r oRirhst
Comparing the options There are many kinds of childcare options to choose from. Each has look at .rih i' rurn so y.r;;; evaluate which, if any, are suited to your needs. What is a childcare centre like? Most centres are purpose built buitdings about the size of a rarge house. They usually open from g.00 a.m. to 6.00 p.m. or longer if they carer for parents who work shift work.Th.y;;;ftb; fuil-time, part-time, and occasionar care. Regulations govern staff numbers, children's numbers, space indoor, and so on. "rIro out,,toilets Staff ratios are abour one adurr five under ;;;; olds, and one to fifieen over twos. Some of the stafl but rro, to have childcare or early childhood qualifications. "tt,'rr..d Good centres will provide structured programs similar to preschool activities so that children can learn through guided activity and play. Fees vary from centre to centre but average well over $100 per week. In some circumstances this is largely"paid by / gorr.rrr*.rr, o- " nubsidy, in others it falls completely on tt . p"r.rrtr. Childcare can be both expensive and .h.rp, Jepending on your point of view and your circumstances. The iover'nment"estimates thc average annual cost of fuil_time childcai i, $;;;0 plr chiid, which is almost a quarter of the after-tax income of the average person's full-time earnings. For some parents the cost (especially if ylu include petrol and, in many .rr.i th. need for ,'r"iorra ,"r; *rrcl the time involve d, actually outweighs what they A positive development is crecheslrovided "ri;;;;r". at by'.-pioy..s the w'rkplace. For giving- child and p"r.rr, easy access _ at coffee brcaks llrd lunchtirrre, fcrr fceds, i' reducing traver tirne - trris ",rd h ;r big irrrpr.vcrrr.rrt. Iirrrpr'ycrs bc,cfit t.o, fr.rrr rclaxcci :rrrrr happicr stlfI. pluses and minuses. Let's
Family day care Family day care is a scheme by which local authorities license mothers in their own homes to care for up to five children from other families. usually only one of these can be a baby; the others will be varied in age. Houses are inspected thoroughly for safery
child-safe cupboards, gates, fences and so on. Family day care coordinators are waichful that good care is being provided, and will not license a carer who is considered unsatisfactory' When choosing a carer, the best bet is to look for someone who has been doing it for some time, and seems h"ppy and well organised. standards
-
Trust yo.r, o*r, feelings around that person, and about that
household, and look carefully at the demeanour of the children there' The huge plus is that family day carc is a home environment, and with luck i"r, b..o-e a stable relationship where your child feels
they are cared for as an individual. As with any trust relationship, time and getting to know a person are your only guides. If you are lucky, this person may become a famlly friend as well as a loving addition to your child's liG. Family day care is more personal than a childcare centre for you too.You can take the time to get to know your child's carer over a cuppa, and become friends as much as possible' It's fine to make a few^enquiries and visit a few carers to see how you'click'.This is too important a relationship to leave to chance' Beclose of the very low rates of pay to carers for the responsible and skilled work they actually do, family day cate is cheap for both parents and governments. Because of government fee relief, you can ^hr.r. chilJ in family day care for a forty hour week for about " thirty-five cents per hour, or $25 per week. (At the time of writing, the Government pays the carer about $2.50 per hour, or $100 per week.) Ideally famrly day carers should be paid more, and have fewer children if possible. There is a small but important risk in any childcare situation of sexual abuse, perhaps by a husband or older boy or girl in a
household, or by workers or visitors at a centre' (Hospital srudies have found that 1.0o/o of serious abuse takes place in a childcare segingl. Oni 'crltefia'firt iettl6g your child t'e cared for by others is that the child has reached an age where they can tell you clearly if something is wrong'
8o Morr recrotr of hoppv chlldrtn
Preschools Preschools are exactly what the name suggests - a part-time introduction to school life for children aged around three to five. Many parents find them a great idea and decide when their child should begin depending on the individual child's readiness. Preschools are a good childcare option for many parents. Since they are an outgrowth of school rather than of the need to have children minded, they are more educationally based than most other centres. Preschools usually run only a half day or short day session, and most children attend iess than five days a week. (It's noteworthy that educationists consider this enough time for young children to be in a structured setting.) Because of the short hours, preschools are ideal for at home parents, but are usually not convenient for employed parents who need longer hours.
Nannies Nannies are at home one-to-one carers chosen and employed by you. This is obviously expensive, and quality is hugely variable. (Do they mind your child, or your TV set?) Nannying is a lonely job for sorneone who isn't really cut out for it. A caller to the ABC's Ofspring program told of her one year old son having three nannies in six months.'Sti11,' she said,'it's not much fun for seventeen year old girls being with a baby all day.' (Nor, we might add, is this situittion much fun for the baby.) On the plus side, some nannies are superb, ancl an enormous help to the family unit. And the child is carccl ftlr irr yorrr lrotrrc. Wlro wlll rai*o your childron?
81
"I'hcre is a siclc cffect to nannies which most parents will be aware of, since it applies to any good quality care. Studies of nanny use in affluent north American families found that a good nanny actually damaged the child's relationship with its mother, since the child naturally gravitated to the person who provided the warmth and time. It's an understandable problem, but it is really a problem of overuse which could be avoided by balancing time with mother, father, and nanny.There is nothing wrong with loving lots of people.
Farnily and friends By far the largest form of childcare used in Australia is still that provided by family and friends - grandparents, neighbours and so on. This is especially favoured by families of non Australian origin, where family and cultural ties tend to be particularly strong and supportive.
When famiiy and friends are caring for children' the same cautions still need to be observed and care must be taken that
arrangements are fair to all concerned. But by and large, children arc loved and czred{or because they are family, and this timeless way ol: sharing the
a6
rr---
joy and work of childrearing
)--'^.-
L--*.,
rhllelvrn
has a
lot going for it'
DTSciprTNE
-
A FRoBLEM AREA FOR
The pressure on a carer is to avoid trouble
*:iigt.: that parents ar home with
CAR.ERS
* to sidestep the discipline
kids have to have, and from lessons. chirdren who misbehave in care must be distracted, appeased, but not confronted (and we parents would nor want carers ro take such firm disciplinary acrion). ltt the same with affection - it has to be diluted. Nap time is spent on a mat, not in an armchair in the arms of a loving relative. If carers wanted to give this amount of affection (and they often do) they would not have the time. A child will often artracr far more notice in childcare if rhey pr.r.nt: p1.bl,:- Aggressive children, or very upset childr.rr, ,., attended to.well behaved children may be invisible. childcarers have told us of the labelling syndrome, by which a child develops in rhe first few days an identiry as a "problem child', when it may just have been having a tough time setding in.The'word'on who isbeing'a problem'is passed on - from shi{t to shift and then from year ro year. This reputation can follow a child right through ro school. A parent *ppror.h., their own.ruta irr r"ror"lly different way ro the way they approach anyone else's. We talked to one creche director who sends her own child to another creche, because she felt it would be unfair [o have him around when she is in her professional role. Another had the opposite policy - she wouldn,t dream of having her child away from her. we parents are intensely interested in our own child. Notrce how you bore your friends with every detail of your childt progress. Look at it from the child's poinr of view. Might ir nor mater to a child to spend its first two or three years arnong people who adore it, who Iong to see it learn and grow, and have a personal investment and pride in it? Although a paid worker may genuinely care about childrent wellbeing and advancement, the best they can ever feel is to be fond of your child, and be tender towards it in a general sort of way. what they have to offer will never equal a parentt investment
which children learn importanr
and intensiry.
'What
Quattrv
cAg.E Is srllt- Jusr,, A$$
The most overused word in the childcare debate is'quality'. Nobody is happv wrth the idea of bleak, overcrowded childcare centres with cold *nJiruA staff. But'qrliry'care is usually proposed as being equal to (or even, it
ts
implied, better than) the care
a
parent can provide'
CAR'e tsn't. rove be whether children receive continuity of to The ."r., fro* individuals who have a long term relationship with them, whom they come to trust and love. Love is at the heart of the whole rrutter. It might be possible to i*f-,r. the intimate connection children make with staff by addresing issues like staff rostering, size of groups, whether carers *ou. th*ogtt *ith the same group, and how many different adults are supposed to interact with a child during their rime in care' ri. a.Urt. about qualiry generally centres on training of staff. faciiities, nutririon and educational programs'All these are important' but they sidestep the question of quality relationships' Spending onet early childhood in rhe care of twenry or thirty different individuals (even in the best of setrings) is still a very odd kind of childhood. The use of the word'childcare'is a great piece of marketing.we have to ask: is childcare acrually just'minding' children, or'educating' them, or is it'raising'them? Ifyou spend eight or nine hours a day of infancv and toddlerhood in a creche, then these people are surely ,aising you.Yet no one in the childcare industry is proposing that orof"rriorrrls take over the primary role of the parents' It has ,o*.ho* been assumed that parenrs will still provide all that is needed, even though parent-child contact time has shrunk'- and shrunk, and shrunk. The development of intimacy skills in a child in care nury not be happening at all.The child as a person may be falling
real question has
througtr "';;ii.;t. the cracks.
have high aims, but the realiry is often different. childcare students and new workers we interviewed often spoke of the huge gap between their TAFE college or universiry .individualised programs' and'one to one interaction', and iieals of rhe ie+liry of ilfu in a busy ..rrit*. Childcare is a highly stressed occupation health protilems, rapid turnover, and total hurnout itr
,.ra.*i.s
-
workers and direct
is the big picture?
Today Australia has a larger proportion of women in the paicl workforce than almost any other country."women make up 42% of our entire workforce compared with only 25% in Germary, 27% in England, 22% in Ireland, 36% in Italy. (The only counrry where the proportion is higher is the USA with dmost SO%.) Spending the day in a childcare centre is the rearity for about 200,000 children under five. other forms of care : relarives, {i91ds' family day care - are used for abour 500,000 more children. And a further 500,000 are carcd for by rheir mother or father (or both) at home. [n other words, centre based care is the least preGrred option, but is stil1 the situation for about one child in six. (All kinds of combinations and. partiar arrangements complicate these figures.)
parents' first choice is family or close is also a more natural friends.The second choice'j family day care for several other ,rr"r.g.-.nt where a mother at home cares that assures quality regulated scheme f..pf!t children, in a carefullyc'atet*for ciry dwelling mobile the more and safery. childcare centres or #ho ,,".d long day care beyond the abiliry of familv ;;;;rt 'fri.rra, to provide, and need a more commercial arrangement' unusual for career Childcare can begin very young' It's not day care at six p"r.rr,, in capital citiJs to place theii babies in long a'm' to 6'00 p'm' for or twelve weeks of "gt (so?netimes from 7'30 pressure to take Arr. a"y, a week). C.""t directors experience reach school age' they babies at weekends too' Once these children the daily two-step from home to before-school *lii "*p"rience school, then after-school care' then home'
In order of preference,
care,
thin
Despitethedemand,childcareishighlyundervalued'Workersare choose to stay ,byrrrr"fly underpaid. Many more mothers would day carers if the home with their o*n .hildren and be family put enough value on financial rewards were better. we just don't to park your car children. In most cities of Australia, it costs more than to park Your kids.
The real problem - the motherhood ghetto Therearef\,vothingswhichdrivemothersbacktoworkwhenthey would rather be at home' another person's One is economic dependency' Depending on and depressed. income can make the parent at home ieel vulnerable her work is The non-earning p'*"t' can be made to feel that worthless since she is Just caring for kids'' with small Another reason is the fear of;going up the wall'--being
childrenforcompanyallday'Thi-sis"e'1ptoblem'butnotexactlyi way we live' Our suburbs child's fault. The proUttrn lies in the whole enough' but are often very and apartment bl'ocks may look pleasant only social lifi' il.ly places.We live surrounded by sffangers' and theneighbourhootl is a trip to the supermarket' It's possible' through clubs and other organisatiotts' houses, playgroups,'.ho"ht', swimming tobecomemoreconnected,andtobringaboutsocialchange.Butttr
and socially skilled' do this, a person needs to be fairly confident sltrrrr It could be argued that Eihiopian farmers or Calcuttn in tcrtus of socilrl stlPP()lt dwellers havc a b.titcr life than westerners :rttcl sltct'r fricrrtllirrcss of' dlily livirrg'
Revitalising the suburbs If urore parents were at home in the daytime, then things in the irrlrurbs would soon change. you can a*eady see this h"pi.rrirrg _ playgroups, neighbourhood houses, and rnany other for-"' lrfix'r'al networks of women and men are deveroping. Some "rra of these will be oriented around children, others wil be-purery for self devclopment, or action groups for important issues like the eltvironnrent, or more resources for families. As rncn choose to be more family focused, and as more people w,rk at lr.'rc (tha'ks to corrp'ters) or work shorter hours, suburbs flt-ry <'hrrrrgc firrrr
Is rHts rHE PERFECT'wAY ro rtvn? . - Iobart's harbour' Hobart's
cluster a clus On a wooded suburban ridge overlooking close houses conventional of houses stands out only slightly from the inTasmarrian by,They have warm, earthy colours, detailed woodwotk landscaped only road' timbers. More noticeably - they have no
three acre site' pathways and discreet parking bays at the edge of the cohouse * a form orLoirrg for people of ail
This is the cascade and is now ages that has been highly successful in northern Europe' to live in has that f'*ily g"ining a foothold in Australia' For a young the ciry this may well be the perfect way to live' THs snt uP run along a Cascade Cohouse consists of fifteen dwellings which which building hillside, curving at one end to face a largercol*on everyone shares the use of' A large, attractive'village square'is at the centre and a pedestrian of the pathway curves amidst gardens and terraces' On completion "Conorr.", own each will They thirry to forry people will live here' dwelling fronts stratum title just as in any apartnlent complex' Each garden' onto conmon pedestrian space' but has a private back building Best of all, all occupants will share in the large conunon playroom',we1l s with dining room fo, forty people, children and kirchens' equipped workshop, meditation spaces, oftce space a daily basis' on Occupants may interact and join with other people or be entirely private since the houses are quite self-contained' the nicest This isnt a conunune yet it is a real community' One of exists' parts of Cohouse living is that a shared evening meal system community the Each adult member is rostered to cook a meal for from time lo time. At present fhat means once every eight weeks -
it'syourtutn!Eventuallythesemealswillbeheldfourevenings.r week.Forayoungworkingfatherormother'thismeansthatinstead the of arriving home frcm work and scraping a meal together for for a frnt ly, one can often simply stroll over to the Commonhouse delicious prePared dinner.
A saPB PLACE FoR cHILDRENTo GRO.W ol Ian and Jane, lwo young scientists who werc ftrttrrdins tltctllbcrs (lo|<>usq sitrt;rtitltt w;rs itltlll lirr f,hc (l6hqusc, cxplringcl h6w thc tlrt'ril ;rs l):il.cnts of ir (wo yclr oltl t'ltiltl.'I'lrcy t',rttl,l, it'tlrcy rvlslrt'tl'
l{() ()tlt two or t}u:ee nights a wcek ancl lirrvc cxccllurt clrililrrrirrtlirrg available' Their litrle girl courcr walk to the h'uscs
of rrcr y()r.rrrl friends or older members of the cohouse who enjoyed havi'g young ones around. Since this was a group who knew each other and chose ro live in .o*rnrrrity, 'fpeople tfr. f..Ung r.rr,
"r ""a companionship was everywhere. Young mothers or fathers at home during the day had company for a chat simply by srroliing outside or going to the Conrrrr,rrrho;r.. There was a {lat for visifors of residents. Older people felt secure and never lonely * although privacy respected and designed into the brrildings.
was
trNExpnNsryE LrvrNG
cosfwise, the residents at cascade cohouse found that thev c.uld buitd a very a*ra*ive dweliing of ten to rwerve squares ro. $zo,ooo-
Purchasing strata title and common ownership of facirities * including the thirty square cornmonhouse - cosr an additional $32,000. This included an hidden cosrs such as service connccrion and stamp dury (which normally adcl over $fi.000 ro the .or, oi,
suburban block).
cohouses provide qualities in livrng rhat sinrply coirld not 'rany be bought - companionship, safery. rneals, low travel cost\, solar design and all kinds of sharing potenrial. Some cohouses in Europc have shared ownership i,r holiJay hornes and yachrs ., ,fr. ."^r, ,li have their own swinrrning pool or sauna.
CoNrucrING vlE\x/s THE EXPERTS SLUG IT OUT
'l{egular absences can be dlu'aging firr crrilclrc' urrclc:r trrrcc. ( )rrry fro.r ages three to six. can lrrost'chlldren profit lrorrr a wh.rc.l:ry rrr high quality group care. But even then, tlere is a consenslls anontr preschool educators that rhe benefits of a goocr preschool p.ogr^,,, diminish or are evcn cancelled when the ,.i-,ool iay is prol.rngia-r. six hours or beyond.
'Poor quality care in these years can sometimes harm young children. Leaving babies and toddlers unattended and unoccupied fbr long periods, inappropriate discipline, lack of a good planned program or even leaving a distressed child uncomforted can make childcare an unhappy experience for parents and children alike.' Labor Policy Statement. 1 993 Federal election.
Selma Fraiberg, child psychoanalysr, Lluored by Karl Zinsmeister in 'HardTruths abour Day Care', Readers Digest,January 1989.
' . . . infants in day care are nrore likely to develop insecure
'I've never advised mothers rn'ho wanted a career not to pursue it, but I think it's very cruel for mothers who would rather stay at home to have to turn their kids ove{ to someone else. If a mother wants to stay home with her baby, the Gcvernment should subsidise her, as in
to their mothers, withdrawar from their mothers, and were more likely to hit, kick, threaten and argue, than those who were not in day care or started later.' attachments
'children with a record of early non*parentatr care show nrore
most other western countries.' Benjamin Spock, t!r'e Mercury,Hobart, November 1992. lll
\ii I,i
'From my experience, childcare (if carefully chosen) is not just good for children, they thrive on itl They ttenefir from a rich, stimulating environment away flom the narrowness of an exclusive relationship with one parent. They have a larger view of the world and learn to share and cooperate with one another. They spend time with adults who enjoy being with them, and zoom in on their needs day after day. They are creative, seif reliant and, I suspect, appreciate their parents a little more because their time together is so special.'
serious aggression, less cooperation, less tolerance of frustration. more misbehaviour, and ar tinres social withdrawrl.
Karl Zinsnreister,'Hard Truths ,bou,
ilr
Rosemary Lever,
SucLt Sweet Sorrou'.
'The fact is that the children of good, w
Christopher ()rccrt,'Iitddltr'Ihntirt.q.
' . . ' the point is that day care was inrroduced for the adult's benefit and investigations into whcther or ,or ir is helpful o,^ ar-rg;.rg fo,the child come larer. Day care is about acrulr econo-i.I, iaurt
behaviour, and adult desires.'
Bob Mullen , Are Mothers Really
lxlecessary?
'Bruner (1980) concludes that in irs present form. childnrinding creates problems for at least a third of the children in such .".., *i
{br possibly
as
many
as
half.'
Bob Mullen , Are Mothers Really l,{ecexary? 'Sheila Kitzinger notes thar the sociar contexr of childbearing has beco're and reje*ing * childbearing is an interruprioo of leslive pt'r.ple's "real" lives. Kirtzinger adds that this particular ethos which clt>w'grades motherhood and childrearing, attributes to those rrr'tlr.rs whtr find rnothcrhood satisfying a mindless, scntimental
lirrrrr .F idi
totIr<:rhotlrl.'
Ilolr
1,1
Care,, Readers Digest,
January 1989.
Rosemary Lever. Sueh Sweet Sonow
'Quality care is hard to come by, and even if you are one of the lucky ones, once your children are in care your life will entail a daily round ofjuggling childcare pickups and daily duties' If youte anlthing like *; i;" *i11 *1ro have to live with a mixture of fe elings and impossible contradictions, swinging between joy, happiness, or gloorny questioning about whether the care you have chosen is s'uitable, whether the children are happy, whether they're getting enough time and attention from you.'
O.y
,\zf
11f
l1'11
. ."lrt, A,lotltt'rs
Ilrtlly
Nlrls.r,rrl,?
Rccornmendations 'First time parents are often unprepared for the intensity of love they have for their children. One mother I met recendy described it as being "metamorphosed". She held a senior position in a large firm and had committed herself whilst pregnant to an early banking "date. The day we met she marvelled about how changed she return felt by the birth of her child, how privileged, how much more love she had to give and how punfut it was even to contemplate leaving her precious baby with anyone else.' Rosemary Lever, Such Sweet Sorrow'
I have rationalised the horrible fact that an unskilled shop earru more than twice the money of a childcare worker, but assistant that the accountant setting up our new television comPany sent a bill of$150 an hour for his expert consultation and advice. 'Nevertheless I felt sick in the stomach after handing over $10 to the beautif.rl human being who d cared for my son that day' I still feel sick.' 'somehow
Kirsty Cockburn, ITA, October 1989.
Too,Too,Too Childcare is here to stay. What we have to guard against is childcare overuse. Our standards have somehow slipped' We have been sucked in by economic rationalism, and stopped listening to our own hearts. The result - children are being put into care too young, for too long hours, too maxy days a week. The"inadequ"r. prolririon of childcare means that parents are having to use too many different forms of care, even in the same day, to meet their needs. Childcare workers are paid too little, and there are too many children. Centre based care is too unnarural and mechanistic a form of looking after young children, too factory like for comfort. In the furure, there will be a place for childcare, but it will be a smaller place than it now occupies.While everyone talls about the need for more childcare places and bemoans the wairing lists, be that one day there will be less demand for it, and places it "ray witl U. abundant for those ffio really need it. Little batries and toddlers will mainly be cared for once again where they_ have been for millennia ; t'y their parents, neighbours and family members, in the arms and in thc homcs of thosc who lovc thorn'
The choices we make about childcare should be based firstly o' tlrc developmental needs of our child. As mentioned earlier in this chapter, there are no conclusive research results rhat set down what is right for every child. we parents have to use our own good sense. The following are guidelines I recommend.
By
age
In your child's first year, do not use institutional childcare at all. organise for your baby to be with one of you arl the time, except for occasional breaks - days off or evenings out, when you have a trusted and familiar babysitter. - If you are using institutional childcare, we suggest you consider
these guidelines:
When the child is one - up to one short day per week, for example, 10 a.m. to 3 p.m. When the child is two - up to two short days per week. when the child is three - up ro rhree short days or half days a week. when the child isfour - up ro four short days or half days a week. Your decisions should always be based on the needs of thc individual child, and through monitoring its reactions from day to day. By type of care In order of preference, we believe the best source of childcare for your child under the age of three would be: >*** close relatiue or friend whom you trust and who loves your child. ,t<* A trusrworthy and friendly family day carer, whom you know
persona1ly."
* A quality childcare centre, with stable staff whom you ger ro know and feel comfortable with. *If you cannot find a family day carer you are really comfortable with, then a childcare centre is probably better. For children three years and older, good childcare centres can corne into their own. At this age, the benefits of social interaction, pla'ned activities, playing space and equipment, and proGssionally trained and rnotivated staffare a major bonus. By your circumstances As wcll lls tltc ltct'tls ttf thc child, thc nc.c:cls of thc f,rrrrily urrit rnust bc wciglrctl irr [rt't';tttsc tlrt't'lriltl will srrf]i.r rnywiry if, flrr irrst:rrrr-t., rrtL
a parent becomes sick, or a marriage breaks down' or a family cannot keep its home through lack of inuome' If childcare is truly good for your family, it will be filling the following criteria: 1. It helps your survival for instance, when you need to work
-
to provide for material needs. 2. It gives you time to care adequately for other children, for example a new babY or a sick child' 3. It provides things for your child that you can't provide ,.rltr.., (if pooi), stimulation (if limited at home), friends (if isolated or an onlY chiid). 4. It meets your standards on discipline, respect for the child's being, and safety.
5. It builds long term
relationships
-
carers become your friends,
and friends of Your child.
6. It is a setting where you feel welcome to drop in at any time' spend the day with your child, make special requests or let them know of concerns, without ever feeling you are a bother.
By balancing a child's needs, and one's changing f"*i1y situation, informed choices can be made which may work out very well' Good luck!
'A sociery that subsidises childcare for working parents should consider paying a similar amouRt of money to parents *ho choose to stay at home to look after preschool children.
'
. . , it is a tragedy that so many people are reluctantly in jobs with their children beine brought by others, *hile ro mrny who *t;; "p get it.' work cannot
Should parents be paid? around Australia, a radtcal idea is being discussed which has the porential to dramatically improve family life. The idea is that if we really value children - if we really want to 'save the family' - we should p^y a wage to mothers or fathers who choose to care for
All
their own young children full-time at home. I'm a psychologist and a father - not (thank God!) an economist or a politician. So up until noq I've always stayed in the micro area of family liG - child behaviour,love, marriage, colrununication. But watching what has happened to the Australian family over the last twenty years, and talking with thousands of parents each year, I feel a personal responsibiliry to speak up about what can no longer be ignored. I cannot put it more plainly than this - the fi'vo incone family is dying of stress. You know what I'm talking about. In ways that have never been so serious or widespread, the aver^ge, middle-of-the-road family your family and mine - is being squeezed into such financial and emotional turmoil, that it is breaking down in every street of the country. You can see this amongst your friends, your neighbours, perhaps in your own home. Marriages are ending needlessly through sheer lack of time to build relationships. Health is being damaged through overwork, kids are being neglected and mistreated, many teenagers are in despair. It never used to be like this.After all,parents with children really only have four simple needs: some way to make a living, somewherc to live, the time to maintain couple closeness, and to be able to car^(' for their children.Although simple, these things require time andlor money, and in the nineties we often have too little of either. Ottr national way of life isn't working very well at all. The 'Australiatr dream' has become an'impossible dream'!
The system doesn't seem to care While individual responsibility is import^Lt, these problems arc often beyond the individual. The kind of world we live in - ottt cities, our society - begins to look like a horrible mistake.We havt' floundered into a lifesryle that none of us really wants and that h:rs become ahazard to life and health. There 2rre callses we c;llt tackle thotrgh - thc ccotrottric prioritit's of orrr g()vcrlttllcllts, ltrcl thc c:orlrtlrtrtc fbrccs thltf shlpc tltc wlly wt'
we don't raise our kids in isolation. wc cJo it irr an cnvirolrrnt:nt that either supports us or harnrs us.-we cannot succeed as parcrts unless the structures we live in support our goals. our society, unintentionally but undeniably, has become toxic to families so we have to change it. Things are ripe for change - parents are becoming more informed, more committed, and more interested in their children, and yet at the same time they are pulled away from them by rhe demands of staying afloat. No generation ever spent less time than livc.
we do on parenting.
'What has gone wrong? commentarors as diverse as Bettina Arndt, Bob Santa maria, Geraldine Doogue, Moira Eastman, Don Edgar and many others
have pointed out the same trend. on the one end of the social scales are the under-worked.wb have a million people unemployed.650,000
children (a quarter of all Aussie kids) are now living in families where neither parent has a job, and 500 more join them every day. Then there are the ouer-worked. Many people with jobs now work fifty to sixry hour weeks just to hold onto them. Tirese days, having a job can feel as insecure as not having one.This is especiily
true of small business, but also of private enterprise and government workers.Teachers, nurses and social workers struggle to Jo the work
of their retrenched counterparts. No one is secure. And most significantly of all, in 300,000 families with young children, both parents have full-time jobs. The parents in these families tell of horrendously stressed lifestyles ,.rrhirrg to childcare, commuting across town, trying to snatch sleep each night, barely earning enough to offset the costs of childcare, transport and so on, then guiltily spending the money on 'making it up 1o the kids' for not being there for them.
The two income family isn't working
l-llving two incomes in a family isn't a sin. But it does create rrr:rssivc stress and reduced time for family life. A huge number of rrrftcrr trcc'urrsc thcir Plrrtrrcrs clo rrot llrvc jolrs, or thc
v;tlrrc Of'tlrt'ir p;rrtrrt'rs w:rli(.s lrlrs so cnlrlctl tlr;rt tlrr.y ,.rrrrrr
be said) in sonrc: family on their income alone' Also (and this must of greed' and take jobs cases both partners work basically because have that others more deservedly need' Similarly' some people career' This group children whom they neglect in order to follow a is (thankfullY) a small minoritY'
a
The economy wants women' and not men
.We,vez|readyindicated(inthechaptelonchildcare)howduring the recent recession men's jobs in manufacturing began low-paid service jobs disappearing, while demand for women in in ,o"*i. The result is a 'women's work ghetto' that tears women earning' half as they try to balance children and income 'Women have an equal right to work' But what about the right of moment' many mothers of young children to not work? At the have long been women do not have this choice' (Fathers of course deprivedofrealtimewiththeirchildren.Today,sworking{athersso dark' often leave home early each morning' and return after exhausted.)
It seems we Once women had to fight for the right to a career' children' In now have to fight for the right to parent our own must put economic today's world. this means an economic right'We is greater in real value on the work that is done at home, which and manufacturing financial terms than all our mining, agriculture' productivity Put together. This brings us to the idea of parent pay'
Parent pay
-
solving two problems at once
of years' and The concept of parent p,y h"' been around for a number to time' It isnt such an has been ,"ir.d by p",11"-tntarians from time pay people for all kinds of other public extreme idea. We "lr."dy Australian governments' service. For instance the central tenet of all to risc from the Fraser era onwards, has been to allow unemployment our economy"We now unemploy l in the service of restructuring -We t pay them for this'ser-vice' with unemplo;rmen million Australians. benefits.They are paid to not have a job' 'We by.others anil also p^y fi, childrearing, as long as it is done funclcd' not the p"r.ni, themselves' Childcare centres are heavily working.parerrts ('lrr even tholgh they are still in short supply' And g"t. rul',rily of rlrouncl $140 pcr wcck to ply thcir chiltlcrtrc t:osts'
['lowcvcr, they receive nothing if'thcy carc fbr tltcir own clriltlrcrr.
Policies are
full of contradictions. On the onc hand, our
government wants to free people to participate in the workforce. So we subsidise childcare services and (as Bronwyn Donaghy pointed out in Parents rnagazine) we have a tax system that greatiy favours the dual income family.Yet we haven't enough work to go around, and we spend a fortune on unemployment benefits, as well as dealing with a rising crime problem, health cost blowouts and so on.
This is not an argument for charning women to the home.
participatron, and rewards that work brings. However, going out to work must be a real choice. Women often have to wotk at
.......iryl.rnenial;dead;e*djs.whilethbiichildrerrlare9d P.
Ot strangers at great exp€nse, a1a
wif
because they aie the only jobs that allow
a
lot of
heartache.
flexibiliry of hou*.
Why should they be forced to hand over the skilled and satisfiiing work of parenting their own young children - especially when others less skilled or more in need of work would prize the chance to have that mother's job.'We must stop forcing those who would rather be at home with children, or in other
Wat
haue we done to mothers?
forms of community service, to take the jobs others would gladly have. What would parent pay mean in practice? The details obviously need thought and care. What follows are simply suggestions for starting discussion.
How much should parents be paid? Recent proposals for parent pay have been insultingly small. Estimates of the work done by a mother at home with children have exceeded the $80,000 per year mark, based on the cost if they were to be carried out by paid stafl round the clock! A reasonable for parenting could hardly be less than $400 per week. But to bc practical, an affordable level of subsidy to allow parents to stay at Ironrc, with widcly bcrrcficirtl cfFccts to all concerned, coulcl perhaps bc unltttcl drc $2(X) rtlrrk. salary
Frrnnt nrv 99
There would need to be safeguards and conditions to avoid a welhre state kind of rnalaise. Parent pay would be payable to
wcll ;rs t. school leavcrs. sirrcc r-r.cr'ployrrrcrrt bcrc.fits arc crrrrt rrtly over $250 per week, there would be a net saving whcncvcr j'[r u
was created.
Parent pay would still be costry
job, and be reduceable in proportion
if
the nominated
'parenting'parent has part-time work. Either father or mother may be the one who nominates to be the'parenting'person. And the pay is the same regardless of how many children the family has, so that there is no incenrive to have more children in fact, there is a disincentive. (The last thing we need is to
in the short rerm.'we are tarking about half a million families with children under five, receiving $10,000 each per year. That's five billion dollars. These cosrs are high, but it is worth making some comparisons _ we now spend $4.5 billion on unemployment benefi.rs, and g9 billion each year on
defence.
encourage overpopulation.)
When the parent pay idea was first published in a lead article in Sydney\ Child rnagazine, rnany people suggested that some kind of parent training should be required.This is an interesting idea. There are suggested options as to how long parent pay would operate for - it could continue until al1 children in the family are of school age, or at a lesser rate until the youngest child is eighteen. There are many possibilities. 'Where will the money come frorn?
Luckily, there is an adjustable nature ro parenr pay the more we decide p"y,the more employed p"r.rr* *i ,"t . it up, and .ro. more jobs will be released, bringing other peopl. off th. th1 dole.We could start small and see what h.pp.*.
The great beaury of parent pay is that it kills two birds with one stone. The effect on the workforce would be immediate and dramatic. I would guess that some 60% of mothers of young children now working (and an unknown number of father$ would leave the workforce immediately if they had the economic means to do so. A recent study by the Australian Institute of Family Studies found a figure of 40Yo, and another 20%o, shifting to part-time work. ,', : Sweden sslves ihe Brohlern a ,Aig"ie"t wW, * Uy g""taptbu-g 9O% of your pre-birth salary for up to eighteen months from birth, for whichever parent leaves the workforce to care for the baby.
If
to 60%o of young parents left the workforce under thc incentive of parent pay, there would be a corresponding ancl irlmediate flood of jobs nracle av:rilable to uncnrpl<>yccl t'rrcltclwirrtcrs (ntltle lnd flc'rnulc') wlr
l/lnro
rarra*.
h-^n.,
rhllJr-n
Prran*
nru
,l
O,l
Thx reform
-
another way to make things fairer
raise their own kids. famiiies - allowing income on single Just taking away the tax burden them to split their income for tax purposes, as dual income families already do - would provide an immediate and low-cost relief. Many f"-ily support agencies are pressuring for this relatively simple move. Tim Colebatch, economics editor for the Melbourne Age,points out that under our tax system, a single income family pays 40% more tax than a two income family earning the same amount. He calls this 'blatant discrimination' against single income families. He points out that almost every other western country allows famiLies to be taxed as a single unit. This change would give families an imrnediate $80 per week tax relief. The result would be that some men or women in two income families could drop one of those two jobs, and the pool ofjobs be shared more equitably. Parent pay isn't the only way
to help families
better qualiry childcare, especially for the three to five- a-ge group where it is developmentally appropriate.'W'e need the workplace to be much more family friendly, giving men and women parental leave, flexible hours, on-site childcare and'sick child' leave. This will allow parents to make choices according to their own wisdom about what their family needs' and not be caught in impossible compromises.
Putting our money where our heart is In this sociery we show what we value by where we allocate our money. Mothers and fathers who stay at home to raise kids often fecl worthless compared to those who work in 'careers'. It's one of tlrc most ingrained aspects of sexism to value the work of an executivt' or a rycoon who might produce little of value, while devaluing tlrc
enormously positive work that is done in the home and tlrt' community by people (usually women) who are paid nothing' The work people do at home has monetary value, and is :r dirct't input to our national wellbeing and productivity.Whgr this work is neglected, it costs us in poor hclrlth, incrcusccl t:ritttc ttttcl clivortt' nrtcs, ancl tttyrirttl
when we spe'd llloncy o' housiug projccts for thc i,rr.r t.rt.y, youth work, prioriry schooling, we are in fact paying peoplc l)ot to riot, not to commit crime. we 'invest' in the outcome we wish to bring about. The assumption of industry and governmenr is that if we invest in mines, farms, factories, companies (ail massively subsidised by the taxpayer), then these will thrive and ordinary people will benefit by a trickle down effect. This approach isn't working. It's only half the story. wb have to invest in families too. If we don't invest in families now, then the resulting social problems -ru u. so enormous they will bring us to our knees. As I've arready said, I am not an expert on these things. But I do know the state of the Australian family is in crisis. Before the parent pay concept can be properly assessed, more informed people need to comment, and more complex calculations need to be made. In the end, though, it will come down to votes, which means you. 'What do you think?
If you have a daughter, then things arc looki'g up fbr hcr. lk.r.;rtrsc of the gains women have struggled for and won in the last ri.w decades, your daughter will have as much chance of being a <Joctrr as of being a nurse, a boss as a secretary. She will have the right to equal pay, the right to leave a violent husband, and the means to do so. Nobody will own her. But there is still a long way to go.your daughter will not have the freedom to walk abour at night. In her life she will meet all kinds of barriers caused by men's inner insecurities. She may have trouble finding a man to settle down with who is as emorionally healthy as she is. clearly, in the progress we are making through feminism, there's a missing step - something has still got to hrppe' with men to bring them along on the journey to freedom ih"t *o-.n are making.we can make a big difterence if we start early, with boys.
ffi#ffffiwMi'Mffi It's time that we Plan fsr a nsw kind sf rnan .
f,':l
Giving boys a positive self image Think about the present situation of boys. If you hear on the radio about a ga''g of youths causing a fight, you,re pretfy sure it will be boys, not girls. when we talk about teenage suicide, in four out of five cases we mean boys. The driver of a crashe d car, the cause of a high-speed chase, the problem child in the classroom or playground, the burglar, the serial killer, the corporate criminal, th" di.t"to, why is it almost always a bloke?
Boys have. five times as many learning problems, ten times as much problem behaviour at schoor. As adurts they will have four tirneS the vehicle accident ate, nine times the rmprlsorrment rate.
If you have boy children, it isnk enough to let them grow up ro be 'normal' - because normal for a man in today's world often means uptight, competitive, and emotionally illiterate. It's time to start raising a'new kind of man'. This chapter is about realising just how much more we can cxpect of boys if we are willing to expand our horizons for therr. Thc first stcp firr us ls l)itr('ltts is to gct a clcrrr iclcl of tlrc kirrcl of' nlcl) wc willlt ()ur s
L
.--
'l'lrcs. arc wh.t
t'at
WHar KIND oF MAN Do wE t IEEP? A group of women is meeting in a weekend seminar
on
,.l"iionrhipr. (In another room, the men who are their partners are also meeting together.) The leader asks the women to call out the q,lalitier they look for in a man. Aiter the quick rush of jokes like 'Lot, of money', and some unprintable comments' the women becotne rnore thoughrful.This is the list that they corne up with.
Passionate
Funny, but knswr
when to be serious Self reliant
Willing to share the work
Stable, reliable {but not dull} Stiqks to a task,
Able to love deepli
gets things done
Able to feel eorrow and admit fear, and not just turn everything into anger
Loving, but not gooey or dependent Proud, but not egotistical
Respectful to and supportive of women
Safe and not violent
Nurturing
Able to dance and ring and enjoy the flowers
Fearless and strong
in good causes Creative - not rigid or bound by convention Respectful of others
Not jurt a workaholir Wild and free lmpulsive Natural
*1 ililililt lOfr Merro'ro(t(ttt ol h;rppy cllilrlrr:rr
wolllc'r',k firr irr;r rrrarr. rtis. firirry s;rft.rrcr nre' are wantirrgl0 bc i' thcrrrscrvcs.
these are arso what
So when we we have i"
:i5LJ:
Tii,,ffi ;.. ;lr";:il, i l: know when",i"d1T#'H:,il:,: ro inrervene in the *rrtt.st .f 'when .;.ryd;; situations. a boy is mean to his sister, or tickles tr", *t.r, ,rre is
saylng no
clearly
-
then as parents we come in very nrorfy i.n nr_ rro, to do that'we would do just the same ".ra if she was mean to him. If he asks why, we tell him,,I want you to__grow up respecting people,s bodies, and respecting your own too. W.hen someone says stop, you stop'.You can see how important this is for a liGdme.
FIow the world treats boys
There's something.special ,rrd pr..io,rs about boys _ every parent boys
of and girls notices that ttr.i, ,r"ir.rres are different. Boys tend to wear their feerings on rheir sleeves - .ft; ili;;;'r#;'rr. srrong and they seem to h1e a1 urge to protect. They love heroism and action. Boys are loyal, stoic, n# , strong sense ofjustice. They ""a are_h_umororr, opa*irri c, andrrp-rrorrrl 'When I iook at iittle boyr, _d then see how cheaply the world often treats them _ how few of their special qualitie, ,r. ,rrpport.d and nurtured it makes me very sad. There are two facts that sum up the situation of boys, and how much needs to be done to help ,ir._. First, the ,r.*r,r.l.rred by UNICEF thatAustralia has ,t. iiglr.ri rare of youth suicide of any -.o*-o' western country, and that suicide is four times
-o.. among our teenage boys than girls. The second is a figure reported some years ago that fathe-rs on average spend six miiutes a day in interacrion with their sons. Neith., oiit.r. i, p-ro .e and the two are very probably iinked. io it's timely rhat we iook at what we can do to help boy, irrn out well. 'we'11 sum up what is needed, then go into each issue more fully. 1. Boys need fathers, or at least very good father substitutes. 2' Fathers ne_ed help from other -.rr"a ,"*e their sons. 3. Boys need to learn how to behave around girls _ respecting them, being equal to them. 4. Iloys ncccl protection fronr being cheapenccl, harclenecl, or clcbrrsccl by cxposrrrc to violerrcc rx brrrrllity.'['lrcy rrccci to sc(. tlrt.ir st'xrr;rlily ls spt.t.i:rl, rrot t.lrr.rrp.
-*n-;;'t.
5. Boys need help to learn how to work and be self suflicient around the house.
'Where have all the fathers gone? one hundred
and fifty years ago,life was very diflerent for men and
boys. Almost all men worked in agriculture and home-based crafts and trades. So a boy grew up around his Dad and the other men of the village or town; his uncles, cousins, grandparents, all took an
interest in teaching him and befriending him. Then suddenly, when the industrial revolution began, whole villages were evicted and millions of people went to the cities and towns to work in the mills and mines. Mothers had the task of raising their sons, as the fathers were away at work six days a week for long hours.'wait till your father gets home!'became a corunon catchcry' Losing the support of the village network, the family itself started to decline.A hundred years ago, an average f'-ily had 6'7 children' Few people we know want to go back to that! But families didn't just get smaller. They started to fall apart. Men left their wives, or ;.; married in the first place. Soon a large number of children were being raised by single women.This trend has continued to the present day. Men are disappearing from the family picture' For instance, within a year of divorce, one-third of fathers have virtually
their children's lives. A-f"th., can be around and still have'disappeared' emotionally. Many working men are out of the home early, home late, and tired and ratty when they are at home. Little children may not see their fatherui all drrrirrg the week - they are asleep when he leaves in the morning and again when he comes home at night' An unemployed father, iitt. g"tr his act together, has a better chance of being a good father than someone with a busy career. Father absence hurts and damages little girls too, but it devastates little boys.-Whether they show it by being aggressive, or compensatc by being Mummy's little helper, a boy with no role models cannot learn how to be a rrran. Some psychologists believe it may takc hours a day of male contact for a boy to learn how to be a man' lf little David has a lady schoolteacher, lives with his Mum, stays rt Grandma's, and meets only Mum's women friends at hornc, ltc learns nothing about how to be a man.The absencc tlltllctr in boys' lives is r l"rig prol"rlcltt ilr ottr socicty. disappeared from
.tAf, Mnra *aercls n{ hsnnv chlldron
'\Vhat can you do if you're a single Mum? 'women
on their own can raise healthy sons. But as I'vc lc,urrrcrl from talking to lots of single mothers, it takes sorne special planning. Being firm, staying warm A single parent of either sex continuarly has to switch between and balance the firmlove and softlove sides of their nature. For a single mother, there will be a danger of losing the softness while trying to maintain the firmness you know your son needs. As a rule, women are less combative than men in their interaction style. you can see this in the way some men say things like,,Not you again!,,,G,day you old bastard'and so on in their friendry greetings. So discipline generally comes more easily for a father than a mother. In fact, sometimes while a mother is trying to be firmer, her partner is
trytng to tone down his hardness and be more reasonable. There are times when boys (mostly unconsciously) seek out a c_ombative (friendly, safe, but very confronting) intensiry to help them deal with rheir physical and hormonal surges. Get help from friends, or professionally - if you feel you are Lsing the plot here. Especially with boys around fourteen years of age, a mother on her own needs to conserve energy and be well supported. It's especially important never to hit or strike outn or say hurtful kinds of things at these times.
WHY BoYS PIAY uP his bjke and M*rco, is fouiteen, He likes to go offin the evenings on tea'When he muck around with his mates. One night, he's late for cr*e, irlhis parerr-ts grumble and nag at h11n' u11 tris -YI rl M11s cm"l.o.fi Uam.Ueartea about it,In the end, it's agreed that left bewill Jnen ite pt"ases as long as he's in by dark, and that his tea
**"-:
in the oven. ,*t * r-* weeks later Marcus cor-ne$ in really late, atrrour.nine olclock. his father says * He says it wasnt really dark, His mother is upset' trut and is in by well, as long as he doesnt get into any serious tlouble' ten. Boys like to have a bit of freedom' n f.* days later, Marcus is brought home by the police'.who centre' He il found him with Cl)s stolen from a neartry shopping offence' -, one of a group of,mates to be charged with the to avoid trluble, But wanted Marcus' parents, especially his father, the rules. they rnissed the point that Marcus was breakilg ll- 9t' more sco'pe' he hir'n give to just bent were ruJes the en oorii*a.Wt a senlor manager' had to break even bigger r'ules' Marcus'father is rnan' he will now and has been away overseas a 1or' An intelligent *rf.i the cnnnection, and start to do some fathering' Marcus wrlf be : nis confronted about his behaviour, but iTrore importantly' !{t-e11itl wjll be extla.travel involving promotion A involved. *"r. g*t fime' It will ilrrocrca biack so that he can b'e at home more of the cost him materially, but Marcus will stay out ofjail' subsritutes inves nent of energy, preferably from fathers or fathgr : Boys whose.fathers are uninvolved,are espLiallr dra11n to 'fryp"r*ruculinelaition figures, comiis and galnes Tl:t *:"t"*': *;t up fbr the lack of m"souli"iry in their real lives' FtT *tl and ln""i""O fttheii are noticeably quietel lnore conrrrunicalive hnv*" fuwer behaviour more settled' They achie"' *o'*-
problems
" 1ch.9ol' school' and are more o{ten employed when they leave
and Studies have found the incidence of drug addiction alcoholisminboysisdirectlyproportionatetothcalnOunt
Finding the right role rnodels You must actively look for role nroclcls fbr your sorr. (io tlowrr to tlrt' school and ask the principal for a good male teachcr frrr yorlr s()n next year.'When choosing a sport or activiry choose it by lookirrg at the kind of men that lead the activity.Is this the kind of man I want my son to be like? (That is what role model means. Looked at this way, the football coach or karate teacher could be great, or the pits!) Sometimes an uncle or grandfather will take an interest if you ask them to do so - they may have been hoiding back because they were unsure if their help was welcome. You don't have to ffu;rcy someone to get a good role model.
Be very, very choosy who your son spends time with. Paedophiles (men who sexually abuse children) often take advantage
of boys with no fathers who are hungry for male attention. This isn't a rare problem - one in seven boys is abused at some time in his childhood.Always check out the men in your son's life. Send him to his Dad lJnless your son's father is a dangerous or very irresponsible man, do your best to maintain contact befween them. If you are separated or divorced, but in good communication with your ex-husband, consider sending your son to live with his Dad from the time the boy is about fourteen years old. Often boys get difhcult to manage around fourteen.'Without realising it, they feel a strong need for male limit setting.-Women often fear taking this step - 'Oh, he wouldn't look after him properly!'. Sometimes this is true. But more often fathers, if called upon to take on the parenting, will find that they have untapped nurturing and disciplining qualities. This arrangement can work out well for everyone. Single parenting is heroic work. It's better to be a child in a single parent home than in a bitterly unhappy intact farnily. The challenge for single parents is to supplement your own parenting with the right inputs for your kids.
-What
fathering really means
Many Dads are great with their kids. F{owever, many of us are corrrpletely at a loss regarding'how to {hther'. Early in my children',s livcs I firrrnd it tcrrrpcirrg lo just leave parenting to rny wifc' bccarrsc shc sccrrrt'tl so rrrut'lr bcttcr rrt it.'lirciay though, fathcring is orrc of tlrc biggcst 1'tlt',rsrrrt's ol'rrry lili'. Jlalelnn have {ll
Part of thc rcason for our incompetence is that we have a fbthering many men didn't have an involved father, just a strange vacuum
-
man who shufled newspapers in the corner of the loungeroom and grumbled occasionally. So we didn't have a deep pool of fathering behaviours to draw from. Luckily I can say to you from experience,'It ain't that hard' and 'Once you get started you'll soon get to like it'. Flere are tvvo or three good ways to start.
Rough and tumble Boys love to wrestle, tickle, struggle, and play in vigorous, roughhousing ways. This seems to be true at any age. l)o this whenever you get the chance and have the energy. Choose a safe to pin your arms, or escape from a bear hug' There is more to it than just good fun - you can teach important lessons while you wrestle. By stopping if it gets too careless or dangerous, calming down, and beginning again, you are teaching boys to handle and be calm with their strength. By always being good humoured and not excessively competitive * letting them win, then winning again - you teach them that the fun is in the interaction, and to be good losers. Perhaps most importantly, play wrestling' or'rough and tough'is both a form of intimacy and a celebration of masculinity. (Though some daughters like it too, especially when they are little') My own father was not into hugging or outward displays of affection, and like many men of his generation, couldn't give a compliment to save his life. But he would always play wrestle with me, with my cousins, and with nephews.Whenever we went visiting, he would be covered with kids. It was great!
place. Give them a goal
-
Doing and teaching Robert Bly says,'Even mean men are sweet when they teach" Boys love to learn about the world of men. This might mean cars,
computers, horses, birdwatching, bushwalking, fishing, woodwork anything that they enjoy, and you ergoy showing them. (A clue don't be perfectionist, or you'll just put them off. Share yor"rr enjoyment, not just your high standards.) If youte a Dad, you should be around your son and the rest of thc family, talking and doing things, for at least an hour a day. If your work schedule prevents this, you might need to look seriously at yor"rr' priorities. I would like to be more comforting about this, br.rt being l irr.., success today is almost incompatible with being a good firthcr. Boys need to know you in all cliflt'rcnt trtoocls rnd clifFc'rcrtt activitit's.
LlsrEN up! .
one of,the
tgreatest
life ;1*;11s'you can ever have is the ability - thc willingness really - to stop in the middle of an argum.rr, ,rri lir,.., to the other person's side of the story. Itt a skill you could use ar least
U*1r-..raday...
O1e hot suruner afternoon my son and I went down the gully to start the diesel pump.we do rhis once every sunuxer ro refill ;r;with water. My son was four - a little young you might say, but a
necessary assistant. while I cranked the pump, his job was ro pressure swrtch at the crirical moment for the pump to start.
flick rhe
The machine is huge and old, and we had sel,eral failed attempts. I a good nrood. Thistles srung my legs, and mosquitoes swirled about. My arm ached from turrung the heavy crank.Ttren my assistant wenr on strike! He backed off around rhe dam! I could Gel my anger rise. I prepared myself to bully him into doing as he was told. But he looked me squarely in the eyes, accusing almost, and I managed
*r:-tr:,,in
to catch myself. ''Why wont you help?' I asked, trying to make my voice sympathetic.'It's too smoky. r can't breathe', he said. sure enough, a pall of diesel fumes hung around from our first attemp6.
So we sat by the warer for a few minutes, quietly relaxing before tryrng again.'we chatted a little about the frogs and the insects. Then we started the pump firsr time! ,It .halntr qen the last time, and ,.
prob the eXperienie gex r.ni,re frequent as children get older and wiser. That moment of simple parental realisation -'They're right and I,m wrong, ;;Jil; rmportant it is to listen. ,
Seeing you in action If sons see you cooking meals, cleaning up, and caring for younger kids then they will also become more hard workin! around rhe hor'e. Dads have to show they are more than just 'the good times nra''. You can teach thern by example how to be whole men. If thcy sce your taking care of your body, treating other people well, cxprcssirrg your crrr<>tions, standing up fbr wlrlt you believc irr, thcrr tlris will lrc rrrorc p.wcrfirl tlrlrr unytlril)!l you rrright suy.vxr nriglrt itrsl lr:rvt't. lrct'.nrt' tlrt. kirrrl ol'rrr:rrr y()u w;u)t y()rrr s()ns to lrr.!
tsoys need protection
I was once waiting outside a prinrlry
Let yoat son rneet other men Involve your sons in activities with your friends so they can meet, learn from, and get the approval of other men. Go on fathers and sons camping trips. Take your sons to work so that they see from time to time what you do with your life - where you fit into the big picture, what your ideals are. Let them see some of what you
,".rifi..,
some of the hardship and endurance that your life involves.
Above all, be around for them. Have time to waste'
school fbr rr rrrcctirrg:rt tlrc end of the school day.A group of boys - grade thrcc, eight yc:rr oltls - were coming slowly out of the classroom. Seeing somctlrirrg wasn't quite right, I looked more closely. Several were wiping tcars from their eyes. Ali looked pale, shocked. I discovered later from a parent that their teacher - a man - had just shown an M rated war video because it was Anzac day. No discussion, no debriefing, no breaks - just ninefy minutes of violence. Often men and boys get blamed for being unfeeling, aggressive, insensitive. But how do they become that way, except as a deGnce against what we assail them with? You can do a lot to slow down the robbing of childhood from your sons (and daughters) by preventing them from watching endless violent cartoons or playing unimaginative games with war toys. (Kids do make guns from sticks, yes, but allyou can do with a toy gun is pretend to ki11.) Much war and violent play arises from watching violence, feeling frightened by it, and so identifying with the war figures to get back a sense of power. Children in war zones play the most war games. Why should our lounge rooms resemble war zones?'Why not have a home (and a TV environment) that
brings
in thc fbeling of a tropical island paradise, with
nature,
warmth, beaury and adventure? It's the same with computers. Don't let your sons'disappear'into banal computer games for hours on end - especially the kind with endless rrrazes and ladders - which are addictive and teach nothing but a rwitchy finger. Provide more active, sociable and natural kinds of activiry. Spend time with your sons rather than buying things for them.Value and compliment their ability with little children, and their sensitivity to feelings and fairness. Have a pet that they can be active with. Do this and you will see the riatural lovingness come out in your boys.
Boys need help in learning to relate One good thing that a mother or father of boys can do is to teach them to get along with the opposite sex, and help them to talk to and cooperate with girls.Insist they treat girls with respect and care. 'W-hen they become teenagers, don't let them put pictures from girlie magazines on their walls. Most boys are interested in women's bodies, but you can help to keep sex and sexuality special and not just sleazy and cheap.
Teach your son to respect women As a Dad, you do this in two ways - by showing respect to women yourself, and by coming down hard on any disrespect that is shown by a son to his mother. An old saying,'Don't speak to your mother like that', sets the scene for an important moment in family life. It should only need to be said once. As a Mum, calmly and clearly demand respect. Mediate with your son and his sisters so that they are able to express their feelings, and to learn respectful problem solving instead of name calling and intimidation. Be even handed. Boys have feelings * remember this yourself, and teach your daughters this. If boys are treatetl as though they have no feelings, then they become unfeeling to protecr themselves.
Ask your son about his feelings and acknowledge when he is sacl scared. Let him know when you have these feelings too. Avoicl the emotional shutdown that makes men so stressed and depressecl. Don't ever make fun of his soft side, especially his c:arly lovclifc'. Ilc cern be strong ancl scnsitivc.T'hcy go togctl-rcr.
or
11A
Mnn
ra.16lr
nf h-^n.,
nhlld"-^
Help him learn housework skills And praise those skills! By age nine, a son should bc corki'g :r rrr.,rr for the family each.week and feeling proud of it. Even if it',s orrry pasta and ready made sauce to begin with, he can soon build up a creditable menu. Help him to get started in the kitchen. Most boys will gain enjoyment from making such a contribution. Make it routine that he picks up after himself, learns to do iaundry, and to mend. If he doesn't, don,t nag _just double his workload for that dT^.Th-. common response frorn S"p.rmum rypes is,'But itt quicker if I do it for him he just trk.r'ro long'.yes, teaching takes time. But imagine having ,r, .ight..n year ord who is as competent as you are, and who does as much housework as you do. Surely that's worth a little early investment!
You are making a man. Think about the goals you have achieved, and those you stilr want ro achieve.yJu .""ia o.i otr on the list given by the women in the class at the start of this
chapter.Which do you still want to work on? At the very least, take time ro have a dream about the kind of man you want your son to be. By making a commitment _ 'My-sons will turn into wonderful young men,_ and starting to do the daily rhings thar make rhis happen you can, . rnolh., or father, achieve one of hGi greatest sarisfactions, ", and do the
world a favour.
Mothers and daughters Mothers and daughters can havc a closcrrcss tlut is vcry bt.lrrrtilirl. t tr they can be an expiosive conrbinationl Munrs aucl clairghtcrs rrsrr.rlly understand each other deeply - so'retimes to an extent that sccrrrs
telepathic.
Throush her daughter, a mother sees her own life startinf again So-" da,tghter has t P:Y*+l effect on hei mother. And how a mother teels about ner own life will deeply influence how she relates to her daughter.
Mothers Gel so strongly about their daughters, just as fathers do about their sons, because in a sense our children are a new version of us. They reflect back to us all our hopes, fears and feelings about our own lives. If you know this is going on, it he1ps. If you dont, it can lead to very weird behaviour! Things can get fi.ry, our teenagers
become especially sensitive
to being loaded",up with
our
expectations. Such situations have led more than one mother to tell me she prefers sons - they re so much simpler! But it's worth it. Part of what makes raising a daughter so great an
adventure for a mother is the potential for close frlendship. In the meantime, though, your daughter is a little child needing yo,r, .r... To care for her well, you may have to work free of some of your own hangups that could be getting in the way of clear parenting.
What do we mean by this? Let's expand' Mothers see themselves in their daughters' For better or for urges' worse, this generates all kinds of unconscious and conscious
.
It's also important to say here that n<;rnc of thcsc crlrrrrrrcnts applie$ only to Mums and daughrers, bur siurply thar bcirrg rhc Eamb gellder add$ all kinds of intensity to the relarionship. It can bring out mirroring tendencies where you see yourself in yor-lr oftpring. Also, Mums generally do more of rhe parenting. We understand more about mothers and daughters because they :.' 1rr14,go .4prers thernselves rnore en clearly. And "rri -or* most mothers are ready and eager to change.
They want their daughters to have more opportunities
than they had. They want their daughters to stay close, but also to move out and have their own life' . They want their daughters to get on with their Dads' he's " Th.y want their d,,,ght.rs to find a m^fi - as long as perfect! . 'Th.y want their daughters to have a life free from parn or trouble of anY kind. 'What do we mean by unconscious urges? Here's an example: A mine had a mother who had known great poverty in her
.
friend of
childhood.Herideaofgoodmotheringwasworkinglonghours result was so rhat her daughters would be well provided for. The often were that her daughters had very little time with her' and at placed in vulnerable situations while their mother was away more and money *ork. They would have been better off with less protection.
' so_.ti_es when our motivation is unconscious like this, we don,tthinkthroughalltheramifications.Thekeytothisisself
You listen to what comes out of your own mouth' and reflect on'where you are coming from''You realise that your their own daughters are not you, and give them room to make mistakes, find their own answers, define what they want'
awareness.
The five ways of Parenting
Illsley Clarke, in a superb book called Crowing up Again' Jean "describes dve different ways we can react to a child, which also tell as a us a great deal about ourselves' You can use these five sfyles your you and diagn"ostic tool to find what is happening between you are doing that you'll find confirmation datighter. Most probably,'Ciarke "right calls the 'assertively carrng' s{le. Thc thing, which the doing other styles can easily be recognised and help you to avoid harm. When I first le:rrn'ed about these ideas (arrd tlris i's tllkirlg as :r It wrrs vt'ry Dad) I fouucl I wrrs a rc:rl ntixtr,rrc Olt tlrc cliffc'rclrt typcs' lrclpftrl to tlrirrk :tlrottl'
Let's apply the five styles to a simple everyday situation: Merrilee, little girl aged six, falls over while running in the park. She comes to her mother crying, with a badly scraped arm. a
There are several ways her mother can react.
The abusive style Her mother is busy talking to a friend. She turns and yells,'Stop howling like that, or I'11 really give you something to cry about'.As she does so, she yanks the little girl by the arm and takes her off home.
The message sent here is, 'You don't count. your feelings don't matter.You're a nuisance to me'. The child may feel deep pain and despair, or rage, or loneliness and withdrawal. But where is the Mum coming from? If we're honest, many of us have felt overwhelmed at times, and reacted in a verbally abusive way. It's the reaction of a parent whose own needs are so unmet that she sees her daughter as a competitor. This mother needs help of a nurturing,long term kind so that she can refill her emotional fuel tank, heai her own childhood neglect, and in the meantime care for her daughter with more kindness.
The conditional style This mother says,'Stop crying or I won't bandage your arm.What did you do that for an1'way?'. This kind of parent connects with the child by threats and conditions. The child has to rneet with parcntll erxpectations, and only then will her needs be met. The nrcssagc is,'Don't bclicve yoLl are loveable, you only get love if you eltrrt it'. 'T'ltc lttotltcr st'lttls tltis ttrcssltgc to hcr tllLrghtcr bccurrsc it'.s lrow sltt' ;tlso vit'ws lrctscll. I lrrs kirrtl of-lr,rrtrrt is rrsu:rlly irrrnrlrr'rrl;rtc lrrrtl
uptight, setting super high standards for herself and those around her. It's natural she will pass on the same messages to her child especially if the child is the same sex child as herself. The child will feel inadequate, never quite measuring up - since no one is ever perGct. The child is likely to grow up obsessive and over-achieving, perhaps anorexic, with a lot of trouble being close to other people. In adulthood, she may have a series of showy but short-lived marriages. The conditional Mum needs to relax. She has to learn to find and to give herseH- love and approval just for being. She can learn to stop worrying so much about clothes, looks, money, or achievement. She should find some friends who are h"ppy slobs, and learn how it's done. In this way she can learn to accept that love is free, and doesnt have to be earned. And then she can teach this to her children.
The indulgent style Mummy rushes to the child before the little one has even had time to stand up.'Oh, look at your arm. That rea\ hurts, doesn't it? I'11 bandage it now.'We'll drive to the chemist and get some ointment. I'11 make you a bed on the couch in front of the TV and I'11 do your jobs for you.' This sounds at first like a very kind mother. But listen to the deeper messages: 'You are a poor victim. You aren't capable - you need me to look after you'.At an even deeper level she is implying, ''W'e can't both meet our needs at the one time. I'11 overindulge you, but you'll owe me'. Does this sound familiar to you? The child in this relationship will have very mixed feelings. She will feel temporary comfort, but also a sense of obligation and resentment underlying it. She will Gel weakened and confused by her parent's presence, rather than strengthened and encouraged.Jean Illsley Clarke calls this 'a sticky, patronising kind of love' which promotes dependency and a blurry sense of self. The mother in this situation needs to build a stronger sense of self. Perhaps her childhood featured an alcoholic or otherwise needy parent who forced her to grow up too soon, and to be a caretaker instead of being loved. Perhaps one of her parents was also indulgent to mask inner neediness. She could benefit from reading books about codependency and getting good support in n ht:elitrg kincl ol' ongoing group.
The neglectful style Mum ignores the scrape. In fact, shc's probably rot cvc' lt thc piayground. The daughter is blocks away fro'r ho'rc, u'supcrvisccl, and nobody cares.This child may be fed and clothed, but her parcnts are uninvolved. She knows deep down that she dies or survives alone. If she has made it this far she will probably survive, but she is likely to be a very hard, lonely young person with arl kinds of anger and disappoinrment hidden on the inside. She will posibly ger into serious strife in an attempt to get cared for. As an adult she will have litde abfity to get close ro orhers unless help - in the form of an understanding teacher or youthworker comes along soon. Neglect is abuse too - in some ways, one of the worst forms. Before you get totally depressed, we'd better talk about the fifth kind of parenting sryle.
The assertively caring style This mother gives the little girl with the scraped atm ahug and loving care. She says things like,'Your arm is scraped. I'm sorry ytu are hurt. How about I clean it up for you?'.And then,.How is it now?'. The child knows that she and her feelings matrer. The mothbr is willing and available to help. Help is offered, not forced. The child Gels comforted and relieved, secure, saG, and loved. There's more, too, in the big picture. This kind of mother iets her child grow in independence. If the child is only slightly hurt, or is somewhat older, the mother leaves her in charge of what happens. She says things like,'Does it hurt? Are you able to go and *rh-it, or do you need some he$?'.This parent is available to give a hug, but is not too pushy. The message sent here is - 'I trust you to make your own judgments about what you need'(and also,I dont need to be needed). The assertively caring sryle is clearly rhe one to aim for. )
'W.uptrl A cHILD IS DISABLED In all of my books on famrly life, itk been a concern to me that I have nothing to say about parentinS dlsflef .childre1:y:: tTtty rirne I g0 on rouq pafenrs of babies with all kinds of diffilulties come along for sorne possible assistance. children-w1th disabiutles are part ot the farn'ily and the communit-Y, Td-!"t"t:t to be incioa.a.a, r"u.h a* anyoRe else, they are a plus in all our lives. I.ve always felt constrained through lack of personal experience. So I was Aelight.a wJren I found a beautifirl article in the MelLiou,rn: intellectually disaL'led. Age by a -oih", of a daughter wh.1 is -severelV real insight, far with so life childrs and who cin write "boot-h.r family Ii6 has that her Mar\I Burbridge would be the first to say had as many ups and downs as any other Horn'ever, itt clear to me-tha1 kind she hai triumphed in all kinds of ways and that this would be the example of rnessage that other parenrs would like to hear, It is also an of a very*special relationship befween a rnother andheu daughter'
Mv nauclnrR'
MY FoREYER BABY I have a darling baby. A patient' placid baby who nuzzles warmly into lh*r ,heeprkin and gives me a sleepy smile #hen I come in" she sits up, bounces happily and reaches up for a cuddle. I 1ift her out of bed, ,od *irh borh hands held, she walks unsteadily to the bathroom to have her nappy changed.
She's ai * aAigfttf"l stage, liking to help with dressing and undtessing,:wanting to hotrd the spoon but llraking an awful mess' rnoving ,1,o.og on the furniture and pulling'down whatever she can reach. she loves music * songs and rhyles sung to her, lranging on
fingei games' and the neverending, pull-thesfring music boxes, She enjoys being taken fi:r walks on sunny days' *rr*rilrrg heads off no**rr'r, *."p",,, and she would splash and laugh forwer in a warrn bath or poolI i'"* hnd *y darling baby for nearly twenty years now and, urrless l sornething happens, I guess I'11 have her for another twenty years. time, $he,s been at the loyely seven- to nine-month stage for a long tfue piano, clapping and
I don't expecf much change. She still has a sweet baby face, innocent, unmarred by loss ot: disappoinuaent of anger, and she still has her mass of blondc cr"rrls, Ilut
so
voluptr,rou.s y()ul'lg
{ 1i
wollatl
*
*
a pluntp' btlxottt' altttost atld acttc spoils hcr prctty fhcc. l {cr ltlrir,
he, horm,lnes are those of a young won"lan
Mrr a .rrr ral r rrl lr;rr!r}v r lrilrlr
e*rr
though darker now, is still hcr lin$$t fbature. l.ltrw ofien I've hacl causcr to be thafi-kftl for those lovely curls! People are usually uncourfi:rrable, stuc|( for 5ornething ro say, on first meering my big babil but they can always say,'What beautiful hair!'. And they do. It helps. others I know have a much harder lot with their'forever'babies. Endless years with a frerfirl, crying child, every mealrime a turmoil of spitting resistance, all activiry a cause of spasms and distress. or a child with fi.ril mobiliry but never learning to heed,no' or.srop'; on the go all day every day, getting bigger and stronger with every year, being influenced by powerful adolescent hormones.And without the redeeming beautiful curls. We met at a special playgroup, a group of young mothers coming to terms with the realisation that our children were scverely disabled. We talked through our guilt, our grief and disappointmenr, our anger, as we helped our babies to play, and we've kept in touch. cling for a severely handicapped child is a big task, as is caring for a O"OI:ll, when supporrs are_available it is nor all-consuming. We have had other children and been active in their Lives, we've had parrtime jobs while the children are in day care, our marriages have survived and we've had family holidays. And we've become involved in'the field', working to ensure that the best possible services and supports are available for our children, and for other disabled people ,r-,d their carers. School councils, accommodarion committees, fund-raising and fetes, lobbying politicians, demonstrations and protests, and selG education * w6ve done it all, learning as We go', As our ch,ljffi:, reach nominal adulthood, there are furthef decisions to be made, battles to be won.'we need to be sure that there are suitabre day activities available for them when the school system is no longe. an
option, and that appropriate long term accommodation will be provided when the time is right for them to leave our care. For the most parl,tr've ftUndlpebple sensirive and helpfu-l;,.: Services and iuppqrrs have,,been,availabie when t ha+e,:"e ,tii;*. But there have been jolts and hurts along the way. There was the ideologically pure occupational therapist, who removed my daughter's toys and music box from her wheelchair because they'were-.ageinappropriate'. (I responded by rying a boolc, a chess ser *'d a rocli
nrusic tapc to her tray, and she banged and chewed them into oblivion.) ()r: thc brutdly honesr dr:cror at the chilclren'.s hospital who
Raltlno clauclrtorr'12!$
when I rushed her to casualry with croup,'I can admit her if you like. but she'd be betrer off ar home. children like that dont get the best treatment here'.And the Liastard who publicly queried my use of said,
a disabled parking sticker (before the rules changed)'
Dilemmas arise in the decisions I need to make on my daughterk behalf. As she reached puberty, I was offered, and accepted with rnisgivings, a hormone iqiection to stop her having periods' I think I secretly hoped it would ,top he, body from maturing: that I would belable to pretend forever that she was still a child, But it didn't and *fter a year or so I stopped the iqjections. 'Why should she wear a bra?' I wondered, until physical size provlaei an obvious answer.'Whar clothes should she wear?'I tend. to dr*r, h", for her comfort and my convenj.ence, but is this undermihing her fignity as a young adult, denigrating her worth as a person? Should I dress her in ih. ,or, of things her sister wears: make an outlandish fashion statement on her behalf What would she choose for herself if she could choose, and does it matter, since she has no concept of fashion or dignity? (These are issues one is made uncomfortabll, aware of, when working in the broader fisability field') In deciding to seek an operation to stop her rnenstruating, was I
morivated by her besr interests or mine? (The Guardianship and Administration Board accepted that it would be in het best intefesfs' Such important decisions are rlot rnade by carers alone') very likely have been ' In y""r, past, children such as ours wouldb'abies with much lesser of Parents placed in inslrudons at arr early age. disabifities were often advised not to take thern home.'Put her in a home and forget you ever had her', they were told'And many did' ,. Recently I spent some time at a large institution, holding meetings with disabled people, their parents and their carers, and I otserved a most arnazing and moving phenomenon'The residents were in their thirties and had lived in the institution for rnore than twenty years, The staff were in daily contact with them and rnet all their physical needs' The parents visited from time to lime' Yet' repeaiedly, I was srruck by the strength and durability of the ernotional bond they had with their parents' They couldn't get close enough, couldn't take their eyes offthem, couldnt bear for the parent's attention to be any"where br-rt on tlrc'tn' An ungainly, non-verbal woman manoeuvcrcd laboriously llloLrg tl:c table ancl sat on h", fatherh knce, prcssing hcr fircc t<> his. I l'flt so sltl that these pcople hacl not bercn ofl'crcd tht: cttt'otlrilgclllcll( rlll(l
support$ to kccp tlrcir clrild ut hclrrrc firr lorrgcr'; to rrukc thc rrrost ol thc love that was so obviously shurqd. These days, fewer disablcd chilclrcn arc born. Prcvcntivcr immunisation, genetic counselling and improved obstetric care have contributed to this. Special tests early in pregnancy can identify many malforrriations or abnormalities, and parents ean choose to have the pregnancy terminated. While very few people would choose to bring a severely disabled child into the world if they could avoid it, the implications of this newly acquired capacity to engineer alargely disabiliry-free sociery need to be examined. p'hat mesage does it give to disabled members of our commrfnity about their r,,rorth, their right to exist and be supported? Will society refuse support for those families who knowirigly give birth to a disabled child? Will even minor defects tre elirninated, until only perfection is tolerated? And what will this mean for those whose disabilities or deforrnities could not be predicted, or are acquired after birth? A friend of mine recently had tests early in her pregnancy, because in her first pregnancy the baby had been found to have a severe foetal defbct, nece$sitating terrnination, and there was a chance this could recur. She was told these tests showed a different p{oblem, Down syndrome, and that arrangernents.had been made f
Ii,ri*lnrr
rl'rrrrrlrl:rr*
'l ?7
Fathers
tsuilding self relialrcc in girls
with daughters
One of the things I've been struck by in my work is the great self esteem' I importanc. -eficially of fa*th.rs in shaping their daughters' believe. fathers should never put down their daughters' out of some appearance even rn 'fun'. Some men do this, perhaps to,tidy them up'or make them more presentable.The effect
-otlrr.
is usually the comPlete reverse.
There zre marry good things Dads can do' They can give praise' joking and iaughing with their daughters' They can also ""j; to the deveiopirrg their s[ids ln .orrrr",,ation and repartee' Be alert that so phases' different fact thlt firh change and go through very what was once a good top1. to joke about can become an acutely sensitive one which is better left alone' Fathers are a source of opposite sex social practice' By conversing with their fathers about ,.iio,,' issues' by being admired for their mind as much as for their looks, girls learn to approach the opposite give as good as sex with the skills necessary to take the initiative and they get. They will never be bluffed or intimidated in male choose .olnpi'rry. Th.y will also have the confidence to pick and theiipartner rather than being
A father can build somc goocl irrclcpcnclcrri:c skills witlt lris..dar.tglrtcr - teaching her about cars, fixing things, woodworking, dcaling with money, going bushwalking and camping. In this way he'll know she's saGr out in the real world, and less dependent. In a recent article, comedienne Jean Kittson told how she grew up in a town where'boys had cars, and girls had bofriends'. She decided to get a car instead of a boyfriend, with her father's help, and escaped to the big smoke and a great career instead of being someone else's ornament!
passive wallflowers'
Crose BUT sAFE ,
Fathenwhoareclearaboutnotsexuallyinvadingtheirdauglrtersc:n ctisnate and warm - they donlt have to.$et all uPti'St-.
, ,5g,ge'
:i,'Sexua1touchanda&^e.tionatetoucharetota11;distinct...,..-.. Having a strong marriage also helps your daughter's development If a daughter - ,he ,.., a man and woman relating respectfully's1f1r*o'un$ f;r ' .."knr*s thai her par,enis are cloi-e, then shd w$ ftel ., ' '$a1g4.tirlie
hii rreeds ,
ag.ectiqn and
.e;rual
pat'mutthip
'#u
c]@
.being.rnet. For tlris reason, be wari of takl{rg your daug}rter's side have a prob'lem with your palqret then your partrrer; if
'
"g"rn**
, g
}ou
t is a'key element bemeen the sen{eis and r1,u f,"1
frtl*t
cf,Vour (11drher *i'h*ilthen,sfie rur'm.ad it. rf'v ; {aughter , t on other rnales doing the same- If you put her dornm, she I *nl,t.rm# othei males to do so too, thinking this is-norrnal' Being '
"
For ittpetrzul is usually as simple as extending normal courtcsy' you can respect your daughter's developing nced ftrr "*impl., thcn:' privirry by asking permission to crntcr her rootrt when shs is in
Rllrhrg daughtcr* 129
Time for changc Parents have never had a rcel p
-
1rt'rlr:t1ls wc'ro.jtts( lott tltttcll rls sotttc of'
fincl thc crrcrgy. It's rts
busy with little children to us can manage to crawl down to a voting booth every thrce or fottr years. But all this is starting to change at express train speed'
ffi' At the end of a book that has covered so much ground, I want to share a vision with you' It irlol*.es the big pictuie beyond our homes, but it applies to iverything that happens within them' Something
t.*
is starting to happen in the world - something that means we can
of the family begin to change the world we live in, without leaving oui own neighbourhoods to do it.
Parents are angry Having left the care of our world to politicians and technocrats, what have we ended up with? our world is so polluted that we sustain genetic damage, and have soaring rates of miscarriage and infertility. Asthma, a problem highly related to air quality, is now a problem for two in every five Australian children. Likewise with allergies and reactions to the chemical environment. Even the sunshine has become a danger' Our world rs uiolent because of inequiry and crushed families, and a media that promotes violence as a way of liG. Our economy ts unable to give meaningful or satisfying employment to our men or our teenagers, but it will employ our young mothers, as long as they don't mind what kind of work they do or how poorly they are Paid. * When it comes to politics - the 'leadership' of our country we want a better choice. The Liberal and Labor dinosaurs have evolved to a very similar position - they demonstrate few real policy differences that ordinary people can get inspired about. The ends of the spectrum have moved to a boring middle - it could be argued that both are about econonric rationalism,Yuppie values, and the dollar as the ultimate goal'
A positive new alliance When there is so little choice and so much frustration, then a new alternative always emerges. In this case, it draws support (surprisingly) fronr both sides of the philosophical fence.An arnazing new alliance is appearing in your neighbourhood - befween stereotyped groups such as the alternative lifestyle, high-tech, soft green people, and the right wing, fanrily oriented, Christian, traditionalists' ]'lris is leadins to all kinds of beautiful breakouts from the old stcrc()typgri. Wlrcrr I givc lecture touls around the country, I anr Irrcctirrg rrt thc sruttc grttltt'rirrgs highly responsible, lllollo[Ialtrous
:rrrrl ltrtrtl
worl
.lrrrrt'lrt1.rc1s wlr,, lrrrg tlrr'ir' .lriltln'rr, r('rl()(rtt('(' stttttt kittg, bclotrg Antttt'sly lltlt't tt,ttiott.rl, ,rlr,l lroyt ott Nt'stli'l l::irttrily
l-tl
libot.rtiorr l.l1
A srnrnMENT oF BELIEFS"I'o curr)[l AC"t'roN,s
IN
Fannny LtnnnRrloru Nothing is more important than raising healthy, hnppy children.
No one
can
or should raise children
alone. We all need each
other's help.
. In particular we need a society that takes parentsl needs seriously, and funds those needs, in return back of healthy, contributing adulrs.
very
for the giFt we glve
. The best way to make children safe is to take more care ofparents. . The best way to deprogram our overschcduled chjldren is ro deprogram ourselves.
.
.
to their children - for not smoking around them, for fastening their seatbelts, for protecring thent fi'om abuse. Kids are not properry. Parents are responsible
We must work at allowing childrcn
long
.
.
The way forward I believe that more and more parents are working positively towards a world that embraces serenity, compassion, free-spiritedness and
environmentalists. It will embrace both feminism and the nten's movement, because parents want a good future for both boys and girls, and it will support moves to advance gender relationships. It will make a huge difference to the shape of the twenty-first ('cntury. So to encl this book, hcre is a strggcstcd ttrlniftcsto. t?
Manr
aarrrata ,"{ h.^rr*,
rhll,{',in
as
T/e must work to increase the positive contact between children and adults. This mcans abandoning smacking, and fighting sexual abuse,but it also rrrelns showing people better ways of connecring with their kids. 'W'e have
to beconrc active menrors to younger people, helping young parents, caring for other peoples children, so as to spread the load of raising our young from the overburdened nuclear family into sonrething we haven't had for a long time - real communiry.
. We have to have family-Friendly
workplaces, guaranteed by legislation, where fathers and mothers can fit 'uvork around their famrlies' needs. instead of having to choose befween career and
happiness.
In fact, I don't think it is too optimistic to say that a kind of parent power is emerging. It will include and be merged with the green movement, because parents and children are natural
to hang onto childhood
as possible.
fanrily.
.
The conccpt of larrrily nrust be broadened to include everyone sirrglc, gay, chilcll ess, divorccd, elderly, crinrinal, refugee, brrsincssnrarr, horrrclclss tccnllgcr"
Wt: lrrtvc t() pttt ()ur lrrtttt lrr,rtrntl ('v('l'y()n() lurtl srry,'Wt:lt'orttt: ltotnc!'.
I .rrrrrly
lilrr,:;rlic:r
1-l:l