ISLAM: QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS
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ISLAM: QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS
Jurisprudence and Islamic Rulings: Transactions - Part 3 Volume 24 of a Series of Islamic Books by Muhammad Saed Abdul-Rahman
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Islam: Questions And Answers Volume 24 Jurisprudence and Islamic Rulings: Transactions - Part 3
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Islam: Questions And Answers Volume 24 Jurisprudence and Islamic Rulings: Transactions - Part 3
Muhammad Saed Abdul-Rahman B.Sc., DipHE
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© Muhammad Saed Abdul-Rahman, 2004 ISBN for all volumes 1 86179 080 5 ISBN for volume 24 paperback 1 86179 439 8 ISBN for volume 24 hardback 1 86179 440 1 ISBN for volume 24 pdf eBook 1 86179 441 X ISBN for volume 24 Microsoft eBook 1 86179 442 8 ISBN for volume 24 Palm eBook 1 86179 443 6 All Rights reserved
British Library Cataloguing in Publication Data. A Catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library
Designed, Typeset and produced by: MSA Publication Limited, 4 Bello Close, Herne Hill, London SE24 9BW United Kingdom
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Contents Introduction .............................................................................. 1 Chapter 1................................................................................... 3
Transactions ........................................................... 3 Marriage: Plural marriage and fair treatment of co-wives ............................................... 3 Question Reference Number:: 49044 Title: Ruling on plural marriage and conditions thereof ........................................................................ 3 Question Reference Number:: 36486 Title: Plural marriage is mustahabb for the one who can afford it; it is not obligatory ......................... 6 Question Reference Number:: 49708 Title: His wife and her family accused him of having something wrong with his mind; should he take a second wife? ................................................ 9 Question Reference Number:: 10091 Title: How can he treat his two wives fairly? ........... 11 Question Reference Number:: 21421 Title: If my husband takes a second wife, will I be rewarded? ............................................................ 17 Question Reference Number:: 20455 Title: Is it permissible for a man who has two wives to go to his first wife every day of the week?........................................................................ 21 Question Reference Number:: 9419 Title: He borrowed from his wife and wants to take a second wife .................................................... 26 Question Reference Number:: 11744 Title: She wants to marry a man but the law does not permit plural marriage. What should she do? ...................................................................... 28 Question Reference Number:: 21459: Title: The reason why plural marriage is v
permitted for men but not for women ...................... 30 Question Reference Number:: 14021 Title: She is asking her husband to divorce her co-wife ...................................................................... 32 Question Reference Number:: 14022 Title: The ruling on plural marriage and the wisdom behind it ...................................................... 36 Question Reference Number:: 9789 Title: Wife asking husband’s permission to fast when he has another wife .................................. 43 Question Reference Number:: 26318 Title: A man wants to take a second wife – would the second wife be sinning? ....................... 44 Question Reference Number:: 12523 Title: Conditions for plural marriage ........................ 45 Question Reference Number:: 12544 Title: The first wife’s approval is not a condition for marrying a second wife ....................................... 46 Question Reference Number:: 13268 Title: Does a man have to treat his co-wives equally in terms of gift-giving and intimacy? .......... 48 Question Reference Number:: 22218 Title: How to start fair treatment between two wives ................................................................. 49 Question Reference Number:: 13740 Title: He has two wives and he is not dividing his time among them fairly ....................................... 50 Question Reference Number:: 13702 Title: A wife giving up her right to maintenance; and is the first wife’s approval needed before one can marry a second wife? .................................. 53 Question Reference Number:: 9479 Title: There is no hadeeth which says that a wife’s permission is required before taking another wife .............................................................. 55 Question Reference Number:: 11785 Title: Her co-wife threatens her, is hostile vi
towards her and does not greet her with salaam ....... 55 Question Reference Number:: 4031 Title: Ruling on teaching the second wife’s children on the first wife’s day ................................. 57 Question Reference Number:: 10237 Title: Is it permissible for him to go to his second wife if he forsakes his first wife for a shar’i reason? ........................................................... 58 Question Reference Number:: 10035 Title: He is married to two wives and he does not work; should he divorce one of them? ............... 58 Question Reference Number:: 12031 Title: Is it permissible to suspend division among co-wives on the day of Eid? ......................... 62 Question Reference Number:: 10991 Title: Ruling on women hating polygyny (plural marriage) .................................................................. 62 Question Reference Number:: 8416 Title: Difference in spending on two wives, and spending on children of one wife from a previous marriage ..................................................... 64 Question Reference Number:: 1748 Title: Giving a gift to the wife who gives birth and not to the other wife ........................................... 65 Question Reference Number:: 2008 Title: Permissibility of marrying a second wife ....... 66 Question Reference Number:: 2040 Title: Polygamy and respecting the wife’s feelings ..................................................................... 67 Question Reference Number:: 61 Title: Validity of marrying a second wife for mere love and without consent of first wife ............. 68 Chapter 2................................................................................. 72
Transactions ......................................................... 72 Marriage: Kind Treatment of Spouses .......................... 72 Question Reference Number:: 36818 Title: Her husband left her for a long time with vii
her agreement; is she sinning by not asking for a divorce? ................................................................. 72 Question Reference Number:: 34489 Title: Ruling on reading erotic stories with one’s spouse ....................................................................... 75 Question Reference Number:: 31773 Title: Ruling on kissing one’s wife in front of the children ............................................................... 77 Question Reference Number:: 23283 Title: She is complaining that her husband does not give her her marital rights .................................. 80 Question Reference Number:: 34589 Title: Problems caused by wife’s illness .................. 85 Question Reference Number:: 49945 Title: His wife does not cover her hands – should he threaten to divorce her? ........................ 87 Question Reference Number:: 45864 Title: Her father mistreats her and her mother resents her, and this has affected her relationship with her husband ...................................................... 90 Question Reference Number:: 38135 Title: Does her husband have the right not to break the fast with her so he can break his fast in the mosque? ......................................................... 95 Question Reference Number:: 43252 Title: The reason why the husband is regarded as superior and is given the role of qawwaam (protector and maintainer) ........................................ 97 Question Reference Number:: 43123 Title: Obeying one’s husband comes before obeying one’s parents and siblings ......................... 101 Question Reference Number:: 45597 Title: Speaking during intercourse to provoke desire ...................................................................... 104 Question Reference Number:: 45600 Title: Her husband only gives her maintenance, and he lives far away from her. Can she ask viii
for a divorce? .......................................................... 105 Question Reference Number:: 44971 Title: Repulsive forms of pleasure ......................... 109 Question Reference Number:: 12529 Title: Is it permissible to engage in coitus interruptus or to use a condom? ............................. 112 Question Reference Number:: 40520 Title: Inserting fingers into the back passage ......... 113 Question Reference Number:: 44997 Title: Her family took her away without her husband’s permission ............................................. 117 Question Reference Number:: 46665 Title: He wants to give his wife a gift on the anniversary of their marriage each year ................. 119 Question Reference Number:: 34701 Title: The obligation to treat co-wives fairly in giving gifts ......................................................... 120 Question Reference Number:: 21532 Title: Can a wife call her husband by his name? .... 122 Question Reference Number:: 32725 Title: She is complaining about her husband’s attachment to the Society for the Promotion of Virtue.................................................................. 124 Question Reference Number:: 33862 Title: How to treat a wife from among the People of the Book ................................................. 126 Question Reference Number:: 41086 Title: She is sick and her husband is forcing her to go to work .......................................................... 129 Question Reference Number:: 14511 Title: Husband refusing to tell his wife how much he owns ......................................................... 131 Question Reference Number:: 40278 Title: He consummated the marriage with her and found that she was not a virgin even though she has never committed any immoral action ........ 132 Question Reference Number:: 20961 ix
Title: Hesitation of a Christian woman who wants to become Muslim, and she is asking about her relationship with her family ................... 134 Question Reference Number:: 32466 Title: He is addicted to drugs and wants to repent ...................................................................... 139 Question Reference Number:: 11440 Title: Arguments with her husband – she is asking how to become a righteous wife ................. 140 Question Reference Number:: 33615 Title: He has doubts about his Christian wife; can he disown the child in her womb? ................... 144 Question Reference Number:: 43028 Title: The reason why it is forbidden to have intercourse with one’s wife when she is menstruating or bleeding following childbirth ....... 147 Question Reference Number:: 39318 Title: She left her husband’s house and refuses to go back ............................................................... 151 Question Reference Number:: 22101 Title: He married her in order to forget his ex-fiancée; and the ruling on correspondence between the sexes ................................................... 154 Question Reference Number:: 39496 Title: Her husband is having a relationship with someone else .......................................................... 156 Question Reference Number:: 38013 Title: Her husband cannot have intercourse with her because of the pain she feels. What is the solution? ....................................................... 160 Question Reference Number:: 41199 Title: Hitting one’s wife? ........................................ 162 Question Reference Number:: 26265 Title: Having intercourse with one wife in front of the other ............................................................. 165 Question Reference Number:: 20846 Title: When is intercourse haraam? ........................ 167 x
Question Reference Number:: 33597 Title: Husband forcing his wife to have intercourse .............................................................. 169 Question Reference Number:: 36740 Title: He cannot be patient when his wife has her period ............................................................... 171 Question Reference Number:: 34151 Title: His wife is weak in religious commitment – what should he do? .............................................. 172 Question Reference Number:: 36864 Title: Intimacy with a woman who is menstruating ........................................................... 175 Question Reference Number:: 36722 Title: Intimacy with one’s wife when she is menstruating or in nifaas ........................................ 177 Question Reference Number:: 6388 Title: To what extent can the husband’s relatives interfere in his wife’s life? ...................................... 182 Question Reference Number:: 20607 Title: Family problems caused by husband’s brother .................................................................... 187 Question Reference Number:: 20597 Title: He is practicing ‘azl with his wife so that she will not get pregnant because she is still studying ........................................................... 190 Question Reference Number:: 38224 Title: Intercourse on the night and day of Eid ........ 192 Question Reference Number:: 9602 Title: Her husband has strong desire; what should she do? ........................................................ 193 Question Reference Number:: 23390 Title: Her husband is not satisfying her sexual desire ...................................................................... 197 Question Reference Number:: 21898 Title: She is a new Muslim and is complaining about her husband .................................................. 199 Question Reference Number:: 8986 xi
Title: Imagining intercourse between spouses ....... 201 Question Reference Number:: 21684 Title: Wife disposing of her own money without her husband’s knowledge ....................................... 203 Question Reference Number:: 10089 Title: Husband asking his wife how she disposed of the mahr ............................................................. 204 Question Reference Number:: 21195 Title: Ruling on intercourse in the bathroom ......... 207 Question Reference Number:: 13621 Title: Mention of sensitive words between husband and wife in bed ......................................... 208 Question Reference Number:: 21745 Title: Is it permissible for him to have intercourse with his wife in the bathroom? ............................... 209 Question Reference Number:: 11933 Title: He mistreated his wife so as make her register the car in his name ..................................... 212 Question Reference Number:: 26168 Title: She cannot leave her husband who does not pray ................................................................... 213 Question Reference Number:: 21676 Title: Foreplay with one’s wife using one’s finger ...................................................................... 214 Question Reference Number:: 11906 Title: Taking fertility drugs ..................................... 215 Question Reference Number:: 12662 Title: How to repent from having intercourse with one’s wife after her period has ended and before she has done ghusl....................................... 215 Question Reference Number:: 12544 Title: The first wife’s approval is not a condition for marrying a second wife ..................................... 217 Question Reference Number:: 13661 Title: Why should the wife obey her husband? ...... 219 Question Reference Number:: 12324 Title: A husband does not have to assume xii
responsibility for his wife’s own debts ................... 222 Question Reference Number:: 21137 Title: Dispute concerning a wife visiting her family ..................................................................... 223 Question Reference Number:: 13698 Title: Is it permissible to walk naked in a locked room after having intercourse? ................... 224 Question Reference Number:: 13486 Title: Is it permissible for husband and wife to remove their clothes when sleeping? What effect does that have on tahaarah (purity, cleanliness)? ............................................... 226 Question Reference Number:: 13778 Title: Mentioning husband’s or wife’s name in front of people .................................................... 229 Question Reference Number:: 22105 Title: A woman advising her husband to pray in congregation ........................................................... 232 Question Reference Number:: 21725 Title: What is the ruling on a man having intercourse with his pregnant wife? ....................... 233 Question Reference Number:: 13318 Title: Ruling on setting up a recorder to watch over a relative’s conversations ............................... 234 Question Reference Number:: 9021 Title: What should be done when a husband withholds his wife’s rights in bed? ......................... 236 Question Reference Number:: 10831 Title: Her husband drinks alcohol – is she sinning by living with him? .................................... 238 Question Reference Number:: 10208 Title: Recording the conversation of a wife of whom one is suspicious ..................................... 241 Question Reference Number:: 3477 Title: Her husband has given her the choice of either travelling with him to a kaafir country or staying in their homeland ................................... 242 xiii
Question Reference Number:: 4807 Title: Sexual talk between spouses by phone ......... 243 Question Reference Number:: 8037 Title: A husband who humiliates his wife .............. 244 Question Reference Number:: 668 Title: Should a man be told of his wife’s immoral conduct? ................................................... 246 Question Reference Number:: 5281 Title: Can she withhold herself from her husband who does not pray? .................................. 247 Question Reference Number:: 4501 Title: Her husband doesn’t pray and she is withholding from having intercourse with him ...... 248 Question Reference Number:: 5287 Title: Does sleeping next to one’s wife cancel out the wudoo’ prescribed before sleeping? ........... 249 Question Reference Number:: 5372 Title: Her husband says strange terms of endearment to her. Is this permissible? .................. 252 Question Reference Number:: 5196 Title: Using birth control pills at first in case the marriage fails .................................................... 253 Question Reference Number:: 6103 Title: Kissing one’s wife’s hand in front of other people in the street ........................................ 255 Question Reference Number:: 2967 Title: His wife claims that she was raped ............... 256 Question Reference Number:: 1704 Title: The wife serving her husband ....................... 259 Question Reference Number:: 4801 Title: Spouses looking in one another’s wallet or purse ................................................................... 265 Question Reference Number:: 3755 Title: Tension in the home because of fiqhi differences between husband and wife ................... 265 Question Reference Number:: 4601 Title: She argues defiantly with her husband xiv
in discussions on fiqh ............................................. 267 Question Reference Number:: 4037 Title: Ruling on women spending of their own wealth without their husbands’ permission ............ 271 Question Reference Number:: 4143 Title: Her husband is temperamental. How should she make du’aa’ for him?............................ 278 Question Reference Number:: 3767 Title: Contraception in early pregnancy ................. 279 Question Reference Number:: 3801 Title: Husband and wife taking a bath together and looking at one another’s private parts.............. 280 Question Reference Number:: 3054 Title: She accuses him of being stingy and he accuses her of being extravagant ............................ 281 Question Reference Number:: 1696 Title: What should a man say when he enters upon his bride? ....................................................... 289 Question Reference Number:: 2076 Title: Conflict between spouses ............................. 290 Question Reference Number:: 2864 Title: What is the ruling on drinking one’s wife’s milk? ............................................................ 297 Question Reference Number:: 3171 Title: Bad-tempered wife ........................................ 301 Question Reference Number:: 566 Title: Family Planing causing health difficulties .... 302 Question Reference Number:: 1078 Title: Does sharee’ah state a specific number of times that a couple should have intercourse? ..... 303 Question Reference Number:: 1219 Title: Is it OK to use condoms? .............................. 306 Question Reference Number:: 2300 Title: Knowing how to handle the marital relationship ............................................................. 307 Question Reference Number:: 2083 Title: Does a woman have the right to hit xv
her husband if he mistreats her? ............................. 312 Question Reference Number:: 2006 Title: A woman refusing to have intercourse with her husband .................................................... 315 Question Reference Number:: 1986 Title: It is not obligatory to have intercourse on the first night of marriage .................................. 318 Question Reference Number:: 2007 Title: Does disliking one another and not having any conjugal relations for years cancel out a marriage? ....................................................... 319 Question Reference Number:: 1925 Title: Wife not interested in intercourse ................. 320 Question Reference Number:: 930 Title: The Man is Head of Household .................... 321 Question Reference Number:: 826 Title: Masturbation between husband and wife ..... 323 Question Reference Number:: 1202 Title: What is Said Just Prior to Intercourse ........... 324 Question Reference Number:: 587 Title: Permissibility of contraception ..................... 325 Question Reference Number:: 34 Title: Is it obligatory to inform spouse of previous sins and misconduct................................. 326 Chapter 3............................................................................... 328
Transactions ....................................................... 328 Marriage: Marriage Contract ....................................... 328 44600: She committed zina with a Christian, then she married a Muslim – what is the ruling on the children they produce? ................................ 328 45645: A realistic look at marriage to women of the People of the Book ....................................... 331 44695: Are the Jews and Christians who exist nowadays mushrikeen (polytheists) and is it permissible to marry their women? ........................ 335 22728: Marrying without officially registering xvi
the marriage ............................................................ 339 32580: Should she complain to the qaadi because her father is not letting her get married? ... 341 20424: He did a marriage contract with a girl without the intention of getting married ................. 347 10376: Is it true that a righteous man does not marry anyone other than a righteous woman? ........ 349 20066: Is it obligatory to have a wedding party? ... 353 10343: She stipulated that he should not make her leave her house or her country ......................... 354 10941: Islamic ruling on a Shi’a girl who is not being allowed by the appointed official to get married.............................................................. 355 13886: What is permissible between husband and wife after the marriage contract has been done ........................................................................ 358 2201: Conducting marriage contract by telephone ................................................................ 359 11810: Do the bride and groom have to be present at the wedding party (waleemah)? ............. 359 1260: Ruling in the case where the fiancee puts a haraam condition in the marriage contract .......... 360 7714: Registering marriage officially in Britain .... 361 2851: Ruling on marrying a woman who has no religion ................................................................... 362 5983: A wife refusing her husband a co-wife ......... 362 4394: Doing a second wedding party for his parents’ benefit ....................................................... 364 3799: Keeping Marriage Concealed and getting remarried to the same person in front of parents? .............................................................. 365 4158: She stipulated a condition in her marriage contract that has been invalidated by a change in the law of the land .............................................. 368 2886: Marrying a Christian woman on paper in order to have the right to reside in a kaafir country .................................................................... 369 xvii
2969: A marriage contract cannot be invalidated by the passage of time, no matter how long ........... 370 364: Marriage contract: verbal or written? ............. 371 2068: Khutbah al-Nikaah ....................................... 372 1037: Ruling of non-Muslim Fasting ..................... 373 813: Conditions for valid marriage contract .......... 374
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Introduction Praise be to Allah, the Lord of the worlds, and peace and blessings be upon His last Messenger, Prophet Muhammad, and on his family and his companions. This book, Jurisprudence and Islamic Rulings: Transactions - Part 3, is the twenty-fourth volume of a series of authoritative Islamic books entitled Islam: Questions And Answers. The overall series discusses issues relevant to Islam, and present accurate and reliable information based on the true beliefs and practices of the Prophet (Peace and Blessings of Allaah be upon Him) and his companions. The objectives of the various books include: to teach and familiarize Muslims with various aspects of their religion to be a source for guiding people to Islam to assist in solving the social and personal problems of the Muslims in an Islamic context The books are directed towards Muslims and non-Muslims alike. Subject areas include, but are not limited to, Islamic fiqh and jurisprudence, Islamic history, Islamic social laws (including marriage, divorce, contracts, and inheritance), Islamic finance, basic tenets and aqeedah of the Islamic faith and tawheed, and Arabic grammar as it relates to the Qur'an and Islamic texts. The books are compilations of questions and responses about Islam, from both Muslims and Non-Muslims. The responses are handled mainly by internationally re-nowned Islamic shaykhs and scholars, including Shaykh al-Islam Ibn Taymiyah, Ibn Katheer, al-Albaani, Shaykh Ibn Baaz, Ibn al-Jawzi, Ibn al-Qayyim, Al‘Izz ibn ‘Abd al-Salaam, al-Nawawi, Shaykh ‘Abd al-Kareem, al Khudayr, Al-Dhahabi, al-Qurtubi, Al-Sindi, al-Shawkaani and al-Bastawi using only authentic, scholarly sources based on the Qur'an and sunnah. References, which include Haashiyat Ibn Maajah, Sharh Saheeh Muslim, Fataawa al-Lajnah al-Daa’imah, 1
Jurisprudence and Islamic Rulings
Silsilat al-Ahaadeeth al-Da’eefah, Al-Mawsoo’ah fi Ahaadeeth al-Mahdi al-Da’eefah wa’l-Mawdoo’ah, Al-Manaar al-Muneef and Fataawa Islamiyyah, are provided where appropriate in the responses. The book provides the reader with cross references of other pertinent responses not necessarily in the same volume, but also in other volumes of the series. However, each volume is complete in itself. The book records accurately the answers the contributing Sheikhs and scholars gave to the questions put to them. These are not necessarily the answers which other sheikhs and scholars would have given. Depending on circumstances, for example, Islam permits different solutions to some questions The book also provides the reader with cross-references to other pertinent responses not necessarily in the same volume, but also in other volumes of the series. However, each volume is complete in itself. It is intended that this present series of Books will cover the following subject areas (insha-Allah): Aqeedah (Basic Tenets of Faith); Usool ul-Fiqh (Science of evidence that serve as basis for Fiqh), Fiqh (Jurisprudence and Islamic Rulings), Da'wah (Inviting others to Islam), Aadaab (Manners), Akhlaaq (Character and Morals), Tareekh wa ul Seerah (Islamic history and biography), Tarbiyyah (Pedagogy, education, and upbringing) and Mashakil Nafsiyah wa Ijtimaa'yah (Psychological & Social Problems). May Allah reward the owners and maintainers of www.islamqa.com for granting me full, exclusive, assignable and transferable rights to use and display all the questions and answers needed for the compilation of these books. May Allah grant everyone involved in the promotion of this project good in this world and the Hereafter and protection from the fire of hell.
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Transactions - Part 3
Chapter 1 Transactions Marriage: Plural marriage and fair treatment of co-wives Question Reference Number:: 49044 Title: Ruling on plural marriage and conditions thereof Question: What is the ruling on plural marriage?. Answer: Praise be to Allaah. Allaah has allowed men to have more than one wife, as He says (interpretation of the meaning): “And if you fear that you shall not be able to deal justly with the orphan girls then marry (other) women of your choice, two or three, or four; but if you fear that you shall not be able to deal justly (with them), then only one or (slaves) that your right hands possess. That is nearer to prevent you from doing injustice” [al-Nisa’ 4:3] This clearly shows that plural marriage is permissible, and that according to Islamic sharee’ah a man may marry one, two, three or four wives, but it is not permissible for him to marry more than four. This is the view of the mufassireen and fuqaha’; the Muslims are unanimously agreed on this point and there is no difference of opinion. 3
Jurisprudence and Islamic Rulings
It should be noted that there are conditions attached to plural marriage: 1 – Justice and fairness. Because Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning): “but if you fear that you shall not be able to deal justly (with them), then only one” [al-Nisa’ 4:3]. This verse shows that justice is a condition of plural marriage being permissible. If a man fears that he will not be able to treat his wives fairly if he marries more than one, then it is forbidden for him to marry more than one. What is meant by justice here is treating all wives equally with regard to spending, clothing, staying overnight and other material matters which are within his ability to control. With regard to justice and equal treatment in the area of love, he is not held accountable for that, and it is not required of him because it is not possible to control it. This is what is meant by the words of Allaah (interpretation of the meaning): “You will never be able to do perfect justice between wives even if it is your ardent desire” [al-Nisa’ 4:129] i.e., with regard to love of the heart. 2 – Being able to afford spending on plural wives. The evidence for this is the verse in which Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning): “And let those who find not the financial means for marriage keep themselves chaste, until Allaah enriches them of His Bounty” [al-Noor 24:33]
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Transactions - Part 3
In these verses Allaah commands the one who is able to get married but cannot afford it to remain chaste. One of the reasons for not be able to afford to get married is not having enough to pay the mahr (dowry) or not being able to spend on one’s wife. Al-Mufassal fi Ahkaam al-Mar’ah, vol. 6, p. 286. Some of the scholars are of the view that plural marriage is better than restricting oneself to one wife. Shaykh Ibn Baaz (may Allaah have mercy on him) was asked: Is the basic principle concerning marriage plural marriage or marriage to one wife? He replied: The basic principle in sharee’ah is plural marriage for those who can afford it, if there is no fear of injustice, because of the many interests that are served by that, such as keeping himself and those whom he marries chaste, kind treatment of them, producing lots of children and increasing the numbers of the ummah and the numbers of those who worship Allaah alone. This is indicated by the words of Allaah (interpretation of the meaning): “And if you fear that you shall not be able to deal justly with the orphan girls then marry (other) women of your choice, two or three, or four; but if you fear that you shall not be able to deal justly (with them), then only one or (slaves) that your right hands possess. That is nearer to prevent you from doing injustice” [al-Nisa’ 4:3] And because the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) married more than one wife, and Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning): “Indeed in the Messenger of Allaah (Muhammad) you have a good example to follow” [al-Ahzaab 33:21] 5
Jurisprudence and Islamic Rulings
One of the companions of the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said, “As for me, I will not eat meat,” and another said, “As for me I will pray and never sleep”; another said, “As for me I will fast and never break my fast,” and another said: “As for me, I will never marry women.” When news of that reached him, the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) addressed the people. He praised Allaah then he said: “You are the ones who said such and such. As for me, by Allaah, I fear Allaah more than you do, but I fast and I break my fast, I pray and I sleep, and I marry women. Whoever turns away from my Sunnah has nothing to do with me.” These great words of the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) include both marriage to one woman and plural marriage. Majallat al-Balaagh, issue no. 1015; Fataawa ‘Ulama al-Balad al-Haraam, p. 386. See also the answer to question no. 14022. Islam Q&A (www.islam-qa.com) Question Reference Number:: 36486 Title: Plural marriage is mustahabb for the one who can afford it; it is not obligatory Question: Is plural marriage obligatory for every Muslim who can afford it?. Answer: Praise be to Allaah.
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Transactions - Part 3
Firstly: plural marriage is Sunnah for the one who can afford it, and is not obligatory, according to scholarly consensus. See al-Mughni, 9/340. Shaykh Ibn Baaz (may Allaah have mercy on him) was asked: Is plural marriage permissible in Islam or is it Sunnah? He replied: Plural marriage is Sunnah for the one who can afford it. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning): “And if you fear that you shall not be able to deal justly with the orphan girls then marry (other) women of your choice, two or three, or four; but if you fear that you shall not be able to deal justly (with them), then only one or (slaves) that your right hands possess. That is nearer to prevent you from doing injustice” [al-Nisa’ 4:3] And it is Sunnah because the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) did it. He had nine wives and Allaah benefited the ummah through them. This is one of the things that applied only to him (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him). Other men are not allowed to have more than four wives. There are many benefits in plural marriage for men and women and for the Muslim ummah as a whole. Plural marriage enables everyone to lower their gaze and guard their chastity, to have many children, and for a man to take care of many women and protect them from the causes of evil and deviation. As for the one who cannot afford that and fears that he will not be able to treat co-wives justly, he should settle for just one wife, because Allaah says: “but if you fear that you shall not be able to deal justly (with them), then only one”. From Fataawa Islamiyyah, 3/202 7
Jurisprudence and Islamic Rulings
Secondly: It should be noted that in principle, marriage may be obligatory or mustahabb, depending on each person’s situation and his need for marriage. Ibn Qudaamah (may Allaah have mercy on him) said: With regard to marriage, people are of three categories: 1 – Those who fear that they may commit haraam actions if they do not get married. In this case marriage is obligatory according to most of the fuqaha’, because a person has to keep himself chaste and avoid haraam things. 2 – Those for whom it is mustahabb, who are those who feel desire but they are certain that they are not going to do haraam things. For such people marriage is better than devoting oneself to naafil acts of worship, because Allaah and His Messenger (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) enjoined and encouraged marriage, and because the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) got married, as did his companions, and the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) and his companions only did that which is best. And because the interests served by marriage are many, because it protects one’s religious commitment, and it protects the woman, keeps her chaste and takes care of her, and produces children, and increases the numbers of the ummah, and will make the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) proud [of the numbers of his ummah in the Hereafter], and serves other interests, any one of which outweighs the benefits of doing naafil acts of worship, so it is better. 3 – Those who have no desire, either because they were created without desire or because they were created with desire but have now lost it, because of old age or sickness, etc. These people are of two types: (a) Those for whom marriage is mustahabb, because of 8
Transactions - Part 3
the general meaning of the evidence which enjoins marriage. (b) Those for whom devoting themselves to worship is better, because they cannot fulfil the purposes of marriage and they would not be able to keep a wife chaste, which will cause her harm and this means that he will be keeping her without looking after her properly, and he will be taking on obligations and duties that he may not be able to fulfil. The evidence which indicates that marriage is encouraged should be understood as referring to those who have desire. And Allaah knows best. Islam Q&A (www.islam-qa.com) Question Reference Number:: 49708 Title: His wife and her family accused him of having something wrong with his mind; should he take a second wife? Question: I am 24 years old and I got married a year ago. My marriage lasted only 6 months, after which my wife’s family accused me of being mentally ill. I proved that this was not the case with the help of a government psychiatrist. This is happening to me because my wife’s family is accusing me and she is agreeing with them, may Allaah forgive her. What should I do? Should I take another wife? Please note that the problem with my wife has been referred to the court and divorce proceedings are under way. If I get married [to a second wife] now, will there be any sin on me?. 9
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Answer: Praise be to Allaah. Proof that a person is in good mental health and treats others well does not require the testimony of a doctor. What matters is what people see of a man, not the papers he produces. Hence if the accusations of your wife’s family are based on things that they have seen you do or words that they have heard you speak, then they may have a reason. You have to sort yourself out and mend your ways so that there will be nothing for others to judge you by. If what they said about you has no real basis, rather it is false and sinful testimony, then we think that you should advise them and explain to them that their false accusation against you is sinful, and tell them how that has caused division between you and your wife. If they recant, then all well and good, otherwise you should shun them, and not let them visit you or let your wife visit them, lest they turn her against you. With regard to your intention of taking a second wife, what we advise you is to wait and to examine the real motive for that, because often in such cases the decision is based on the desire for revenge against the first wife and her family because of the trouble they caused, and usually when a man marries with this attitude it leads to trouble for the second wife too, if the husband has not set things straight with his first wife and her family. If you have not set things straight between you and your wife and her family, we think that if you want to take a second wife, you should let the first wife go and divorce her, or you can keep the first wife if you intend to keep both wives if Allaah guides her (the first wife). We also 10
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advise you to have a good intention and try to do the right thing, for Allaah says concerning spouses between whom there are difficulties (interpretation of the meaning): “if they both wish for peace, Allaah will cause their reconciliation. Indeed Allaah is Ever AllKnower, WellAcquainted with all things” [al-Nisa’ 4:35] We advise you to fear Allaah with regard to every step you take and not to let this problem cause you to treat her unjustly or to keep reminding her of mistakes that she made but that she has apologized for. We ask Allaah to set your affairs straight and to make it easy for both of you to do the right thing. And Allaah is the Source of strength. Islam Q&A (www.islam-qa.com) Question Reference Number:: 10091 Title: How can he treat his two wives fairly? Question: Is it permissable for a man to be unfair to his wife if he has two wives or one of his wives by not splitting up up the time properly . he sometimes leaves the second wife house two or three hours late causing the first wife to be upset because of his lateness . Answer: Praise be to Allaah.
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Firstly: Islam requires the man who has more than one wife to treat his wives equally and fairly. What is meant by that is fairness with regard to spending the night, accommodation, spending and clothing. What is meant by fairness in spending the night is that he should divide his time equally among his wives, so if he spends one or two nights with the first, he must spend the same amount of time with each of his wives. Al-Shaafa’i said: The Sunnah of the Messenger of Allaah and the view of most of the Muslim scholars indicate that the man must divide his time, night and day, among his wives, and must divide it equally, and that he is not allowed to be unfair in that. Al-Umm, 5/110 What is meant by fairness in accommodation is that each of them should have her own accommodation where he comes to her, and their accommodation should not vary with the intention of favouring one over the other. Ibn Qudaamah said: The man does not have the right to make his two wives live together in one house without their consent, whether they are young or old, because that causes them harm due to the enmity and jealousy that exists between them, so making them live together provokes arguments and fighting, and each of them can hear sounds when he is intimate with the other, or she can see that. But if they agree to that then it is permissible, because they have that right but they are also allowed to forego it. 12
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Al-Mughni, 7/229. Al-Kaasaani said: If the husband wants her (his wife) to live with her cowife or her in-laws, such as his mother, sister or daughter from another wife, or with his relatives, and she refuses, then he must accommodate her in a separate house, because they may annoy her or harm her if she lives with them. Her refusal is an indication of that annoyance and harm. Also he needs to be able to have intercourse with her and be intimate with her at any time that suits him, and that is not possible if a third person is present. Badaa’i al-Sanaa’i’, 4/23. What is meant by fairness in spending and clothing is that he should spend on them as much as he can afford. Shaykh al-Islam Ibn Taymiyah (may Allaah have mercy on him) said: With regard to fairness in spending and clothing, this is also Sunnah, following the example of the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him), He used to spend equally on his wives, and also used to divide his time equally among them. Majmoo’ al-Fataawa, 32/269. Ibn al-Qayyim (may Allaah have mercy on him) said: He (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) used to treat them equally as regards staying the night, spending time with them and spending on them. Zaad al-Ma’aad, 1/151 With regard to other things, it does not matter if he does not treat them equally, such as giving a gift to one of them, 13
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or being more inclined towards one of them in his heart, or giving her more clothing than he is obliged to, or having intercourse with one of them more than another, without intending to harm the other. But if he treats them all equally that is better. Ibn Qudaamah said: He does not have to treat his wives equally in spending and clothing if he does what he is required for each of them. Ahmad said – concerning a man who had two wives – he has the right to give one more than the other with regard to spending, desire and clothing, if the other has enough, and he may buy a finer garment for her, so long as the other has enough. This is because it is too difficult to treat them equally with regard to all these matters, and if it were made obligatory he would not be able to do it, except with great difficulty. This is why it is not obligatory, such as treating them equally with regard to intercourse. Al-Mughni, 7/232. Al-Haafiz ibn Hajar said: If he gives each of them her rights with regard to clothing, spending and spending time with them, then it does not matter if his heart is inclined more towards one or if he gives one a gift… Fath al-Baari, 9/391. Al-Nawawi said: Our companions said: If he treats them equally (in the matters where that is required), he does not have to treat them equally with regard to intercourse, rather he should 14
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stay overnight with all of them but he does not have to have intercourse with each of them. He may have intercourse with some of them when it is their turn for him to stay with them and not others. But it is mustahabb for him not to neglect intimacy with some of them and to treat them all equally in this matter. Sharh Muslim, 10/46. Ibn Qudaamah said: We do not know of any dispute among the scholars regarding the fact that it is not obligatory to treat one’s wives equally as regards intercourse, which is the view of Maalik and al-Shaafa’i, because intercourse has to do with desire and inclination, and there is no way to treat them equally in this regard. A man’s heart may incline more to one of them than the other. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning): “You will never be able to do perfect justice between wives even if it is your ardent desire” [al-Nisa’ 4:129] ‘Ubaydah al-Salmaani said concerning love and intercourse: If you are able to treat them equally with regard to intercourse, that is better, because it is more fair and just… But it is not obligatory to treat them equally with regard to intimacy that is less than intercourse, kissing, touching, etc, because if it is not essential to treat them equally with regard to intercourse, then that applies even more to the things that lead to it. Al-Mughni, 7/234, 235. Secondly: 15
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With regard to the husband going out when it is one wife’s turn, if that is because of some need and he does not intend to hurt her and he is not going out to the other wife, there is nothing wrong with that in sha Allaah. The basis of equal sharing of time is staying the night: he has to spend most of the night with the wife whose turn it is. Allaah has not created any hardship in religion, and it does not prevent the husband from going out or going shopping or attending classes during the time of one of his wives, if he does not intend to hurt her by going out, and he does not spend most of the night outside the house of the wife whose turn it is. Dr Ahmad Rayaan said: Some of the scholars have spoken in strict terms about fairness in dividing his time, and they say that everyone who goes against that is not treating his wives equally. Some of them even say that if he comes to the first wife after sunset and to the second after ‘Isha’, he is not treating them equally. What that means is that the husband must finish with all his business during the day, before the sun goes down, so that he can control the time when he goes to his wives each day, so that he goes at a specific hour each day. That may have been possible in the past when life was simpler and there were less necessities and people could live with less. But it is not possible now. How many men now can regulate their movements in such a way as to make sure they enter the house before the sun goes down each day, so that their division of time and their spending the night with each wife is completely equal? Rather it is more appropriate to suggest that he must spend most of the night in the house, without specifying the time when he should come in or go out, because his living circumstances or other people’s rights or the pursuit of 16
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knowledge and other circumstances may require him to go home late or leave home early. So what matters is that he should stay with the wife whose turn it is for most of the night, because the point of staying with his wife is to keep her company and be intimate with her, which can be achieved by the husband spending most of the night with her. We have seen from the ahaadeeth quoted above the way in which this division of time was achieved in the family of the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him. The fact that he visited his other wives by night or by day, or met with them in the house of the wife whose turn it was did not contradict this fair division of time, even though it is well known that these visits and meetings might detract somewhat from the rights of the wife whose night it was, because it took some of her own time, and she had the exclusive right to this time where the others did not. Hence I think that what matters with regard to the issue of dividing the husband’s time among his wives is that he should spend most of the night with her whilst stipulating that his coming late should not be done with the intention of harming the wife whose night it is, rather it is the result of the husband’s everyday work. And Allaah knows best. Islam Q&A (www.islam-qa.com) Question Reference Number:: 21421 Title: If my husband takes a second wife, will I be rewarded? Question: What is the reward, “ajr”, for the first wife having patience 17
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,”sabr”, when her husband takes a second wife? Is there a special reward in this case, or is it the same reward for all women who obey their husbands and make their religious duties? If I would get to know about a special reward, things would be easier to accept. Someone said that the reward for this kind of woman was more than the reward for a mu´min leaving for jihad. And since Hajj is the jihad of a woman, accepting polygamy for the first wife is more than jihad. Is ther daleel for this, or do you know about another reward?. Answer: Praise be to Allaah. Firstly: We do not know of any saheeh evidence which refers to the reward mentioned, but al-Tabaraani narrated from Ibn Mas’ood that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Allaah has decreed jealousy for women and jihad for men, so whoever bears that with patience out of faith and in the hope of reward will have a reward like that of a martyr.” This hadeeth was classed as da’eef (weak) by al-Albaani in Da’eef al-Jaami’ alSagheer, no. 1626. Secondly: A woman’s being patient in obeying her husband is one of the means of entering Paradise, as it says in the hadeeth narrated by Ibn Hibbaan: “If a woman offers her five daily prayers and fasts her month (i.e., Ramadaan) and guards her chastity and obeys her husband, it will be said to her: ‘Enter Paradise from whichever of the gates of Paradise you wish.’” This hadeeth was classed as saheeh by alAlbaani in Saheeh al-Jaami’ al-Sagheer, no. 660. 18
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Her patience in putting up with her husband’s marrying a second wife will bring a special reward over and above that, for several reasons: 1 – Her husband’s marrying another wife is regarded as a test and trial for her, and if she bears that with patience she will have the reward for being patient in the face of a trial, as Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning): “Only those who are patient shall receive their reward in full, without reckoning” [al-Zumar 39:10] According to the hadeeth: “No fatigue, nor disease, nor sorrow, nor sadness, nor hurt, nor distress befalls a Muslim, not even a thorn that pricks him, but Allaah will expiate his sins thereby.” Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 5642; Muslim, 2573, from the hadeeth of Abu Sa’eed and Abu Hurayrah. Al-Tirmidhi (2399) narrated from Abu Hurayrah that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Trials will continue to befall the believer, man or woman, concerning himself, his child and his wealth, until he meets Allaah with no sin on him.” Classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in Saheeh al-Jaami’, no. 5815. 2 – If a woman accepts that and treats her husband and the other wife well, she will have the reward of almuhsineen. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning): “Verily, he who fears Allaah with obedience to Him (by abstaining from sins and evil deeds, and by performing righteous good deeds), and is patient, then surely, Allaah makes not the reward of the Muhsinoon (gooddoers) to be lost” [Yoosuf 12:90]
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“Is there any reward for good other than good?” [al-Rahmaan 55:60] “And verily, Allaah is with the Muhsinoon (good-doers)” [al-‘Ankaboot 29:69] 3 – If she feels angry because of that, but she controls her anger – and controlling one’s tongue is part of controlling one’s anger – Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning): “…who repress anger, and who pardon men; verily, Allaah loves Al-Muhsinoon (the gooddoers)” [Aal ‘Imraan 3:134] This reward is in addition to the woman’s reward for obeying her husband under ordinary circumstances. A wise woman should accept whatever Allaah decrees for her, and she should realize that her husband’s marrying another woman is something permissible, so she should not object to it. It may be that this (second) marriage will make him more chaste and prevent him from doing something haraam. It is very unfortunate that some women object less to their husbands doing haraam things than to their marrying another woman in a permissible manner. This is a sign of their lack of reason and religious commitment. Women should follow the good example of the wives of the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) and his companions, who were patient and sought reward even though many of them felt jealous. If your husband goes ahead and takes a second wife then you have to be patient and content and treat him well so that you can attain the reward of the patient and the doers of good.
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Note that this life is the life of trials and tests, and how quickly it ends. So congratulations to the one who is patient in obeying Allaah in this life until he attains eternal delight in the gardens of Paradise. And Allaah knows best. Islam Q&A (www.islam-qa.com) Question Reference Number:: 20455 Title: Is it permissible for a man who has two wives to go to his first wife every day of the week? Question: Is it permissable for a man with two wives to visit his first wife everyday of the week. My husbands current arrangement is as follows. He comes to my home around twice a week, late in the evening after eshaa, and leaves before fajr, he takes my co-wife to work and takes their children to school. He leaves me to take our children to school and get to work. He repeats the same routine in the evening. He goes to her house kicks he feet up lounges around and if he has no errands that involves their household he comes to my home late in the evening. He designates no days for me and my children. He thinks that he can do what he wants during the day time, even if its with his other family as long as he comes to my home at night. He spends the hole rammadaan at the masjid with her. How can this be equal time, when their are seven days a week and he spends two nights (several hours) not days with me and the rest are at her home. My husband is showing disregard for my rights. His only justification is that because we don’t get along he chooses to handle it the way he does.
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The situation has cause serious discord in our marriage, I don’t really like him, their is no intimacy not because of me outright being disobedience towards him but because of hatred that I feel towards him for his outright disregard of my rights, and his preferential treatment towards my co-wife. My husband takes this lightly and does not understand that hes driving me away from him. I would like to divorce my husband because of the sins that I incur on myself because I can not be intimate with him under the current conditions because my husband doesn’t fear Allah (swt) enough to make him see what he is doing is wrong and punishable on the day of Qiyammah so its not likely that he will change which is unaceptable to me. Answer: Praise be to Allaah. Allaah has permitted men to marry up to four wives, because of the great interests achieved by that, which we cannot explain in detail here. But the matter is not left to the whims and desires of men, rather it is subject to conditions and guidelines so that the purpose of plural marriage may be achieved. The problem that you are suffering from stems from neglect of some of these rules and guidelines, namely neglect of the duty to divide one’s time fairly among wives. The man is obliged to share his time, night and day, equally among his wives. It is not permissible for him to spend more time with one of them, unless one of them willingly gives up her time as a favour to the other. Otherwise it is not permitted at all. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning): “and live with them honourably” [al-Nisa’ 4:19]
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Favouring one of the wives does not come under the heading of living with them honourably. There follow some of the comments of the scholars which will explain this further. Al-Shaafa’i (may Allaah have mercy on him) said: The Sunnah of the Messenger of Allaah and the view of most of the Muslim scholars indicate that the man must divide his time, night and day, among his wives, and must do so fairly. Al-Umm, 5/158. And he said: I do not know of any differing opinion concerning the fact that a man must share his time equally among his wives. Al-Umm, 5/280. Al-Baghawi (may Allaah have mercy on him) said: If a man has more than one wife, he must share his time among them equally, if they are free woman [i.e., not slaves], whether they are Muslims or women of the people of the Book [Jewish or Christian]… If he fails to share his time among them equally, then he has disobeyed Allaah and has to make up the time for the wife whom he has wronged. It was narrated from Abu Hurayrah that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Whoever has two wives and inclines more towards one of them, he will come on the Day of Resurrection with half of his body leaning.” (Narrated by Abu Dawood, 2/ 242; al-Tirmidhi, 3/447; al-Nasaa’i, 7/64; Ibn Maajah, 1/ 633. classed as saheeh by Ibn Hajar in Buloogh alMaraam, 3/310 and by al-Albaani in Irwa’ al-Ghaleel, 7/ 80).
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What is meant by this inclining has to do with actions; he will not be brought to account for his heart being more inclined (towards one of his wives), if he treats them equally with regard to the division of his time. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning): “You will never be able to do perfect justice between wives even if it is your ardent desire, so do not incline too much to one of them” [al-Nisa’ 4:129] What this means is that you will never be able to do perfect justice as far as what is in the heart is concerned, so do not incline too much towards one of them, i.e., do not follow your whims and desires in your actions. Sharh al-Sunnah, 9/150-151. Shaykh al-Islam Ibn Taymiyah said: He is obliged to treat both wives equally according to the consensus of the Muslims. In the four Sunans it is narrated from Abu Hurayrah that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Whoever has two wives…” So he is obliged to divide his time equally. If he stays overnight with one for one or two or three nights, then he must stay overnight with the other for the same amount of time, and he should not favour one of them in the division of his time. Majmoo’ al-Fataawa, 32/269. Ibn Qudaamah said: We do not know of any different opinion among the scholars with regard to the obligation to share one’s time equally among co-wives. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning): 24
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“and live with them honourably” [al-Nisa’ 4:19] And there can be no honourable treatment when one is more inclined towards one of them. Al-Mughni, 8/138. Based on this, what your husband is doing by not dividing his time equally is a great sin in the sight of Allaah. Allaah does not like wrongdoing or oppression, and he does not like those who do wrong. The fact that he thinks it is permissible for him to go on the day allotted to you to his other wife is a mistaken notion. Shaykh Mansoor al-Bahooti said: “It is haraam for him to enter upon the one whose turn it is not, at night except in case of necessity, and during the day except if there is some need. Al-Rawd al-Maraaba’ Sharh Zaad al-Mustanqa’, 6/449. His justifying his actions by saying that you do not get along with the first wife is another mistake, and cannot be solved by doing wrong to others. Rather he should adhere to the rulings of sharee’ah in order to solve this matter, and should not do whatever he thinks is appropriate. What is the benefit of this action on his part? Will it solve the problem, or just make matters worse?! With regard to your asking him for a divorce, perhaps if you can be patient and put up with him, and also try to reform him, that will be better. You know that divorce is the last resort, because of the many bad consequences that result from it. So you have to offer him a lot of sincere advice and remind him of Allaah, and that this world is
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transient, and that tomorrow he will meet Allaah, so how will he answer Him about this blatant wrongdoing? You can also frighten him with the idea that if this state of affairs continues, you may ask him for a divorce, and perhaps he will understand from that that you cannot put up with this treatment that is not acceptable according to either sharee’ah or reason. You can also seek the help of wise people among your family and ask them to speak to him about that. As well as being patient with you, you have to strive hard in making du’aa’ sincerely asking Allaah to guide him and accept his repentance from that. With regard to your saying, “it’s not likely that he will change”, this is what you think, but how many wrongdoers and evildoers, and even kaafirs, have been guided and set straight by Allaah, for men’s hearts are between two of the fingers of the Most Merciful and He turns them however He wills. We ask Allaah to guide your husband and help you both to do that which is good. Islam Q&A (www.islam-qa.com) Question Reference Number:: 9419 Title: He borrowed from his wife and wants to take a second wife Question: I have been married to my husband for 11 years and in that time he has borrowed from me 40,000 SR which he has signed a paper of debt with me to pay it back. My question is, he has been talking about getting married 26
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which I know costs alot and I would like my money returned if he has the means to get married he should repay me first. What is my right in this?. Answer: Praise be to Allaah. There is nothing to stop a wife asking for her money back from her husband. This is a right that belongs to her. But we would like to point out a few things. 1 – A wife should not make things hard for her husband just because he wants to take a second wife. The basic principle is that people – above all husbands and wives – should cooperate in righteousness and piety, and should not make things difficult for a person who seeks something that is permissible. 2 – The owner of the money should not ask for it back from a debtor who is in difficulty. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning): “And if the debtor is in a hard time (has no money), then grant him time till it is easy for him to repay” [al-Baqarah 2:280] 3 – It is not permissible for a debtor who has the money to pay off his debt to delay paying it off. The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “The rich person who delays paying back a loan is a wrongdoer.” Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 2166; Muslim, 1564. 4 – We do not think that the husband should use his wife’s money to take a second wife, because this is upsetting to her. He has to pay back the money to his wife, then if he 27
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has enough left to get married, he may do so, otherwise he should not. And Allaah knows best. Islam Q&A (www.islam-qa.com) Question Reference Number:: 11744 Title: She wants to marry a man but the law does not permit plural marriage. What should she do? Question: I am a recent convert to Islam. While I was studying Islam, but before I converted, I was dating a married Muslim man. We fell in love and we are still currently in a relationship. I feel extremely guilty!! I love this man, and he loves me. I understand that I will have to end my relationship with this man if we cannot find a an answer to our problem. He is feeling guilty just as much as I am. He has asked me to marry him but since he is already married and we are living in a country where polygamy is not allowed. Is there any wasy that we can have an Islamic marriage that is recognixed my Islam yet not recognized by the State, so that he does not get in trouble. Answer: Praise be to Allaah. Firstly: we praise Allaah for having guided you to Islam, and we ask Him to increase you in guidance and piety (taqwa). Secondly: Islam permits plural marriage, even if you are
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in a country where it is not allowed. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning): “then marry (other) women of your choice, two or three, or four” [al-Nisa’ 4:3] According to the hadeeth narrated by al-Bukhaari from Ibn ‘Abbaas, the best of this ummah are those who have most wives. The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) practiced plural marriage, as did the RightlyGuided Caliphs. There is scholarly consensus on this matter. The sister who is asking this question could marry this man in the presence of her wali (guardian) and two witnesses, and announce the marriage, so as to fulfil the necessary conditions of marriage. It is not essential for that to be registered officially. It is also not necessary for the first wife to know. This is if marriage if possible. If it is not possible then our advice to the sister is to forget about this man, so long as the matter is difficult. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning): “And whosoever fears Allaah and keeps his duty to Him, He will make a way for him to get out (from every difficulty)” [al-Talaaq 65:2] “But if they separate (by divorce), Allaah will provide abundance for everyone of them from His Bounty” [al-Nisa’ 4:130] It may be better not to marry this man, and Allaah may cause her to marry another man. She is right when she says, “I understand that I will have to end my relationship with this man if we cannot find an answer to our problem.”
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So she should focus her heart on worship, and learn the rulings of Islam and strengthen her faith and beseech Allaah to guide her and make her steadfast. Shaykh Dr. Khaalid ibn ‘Ali al-Mushayqih (www.islamqa.com) Question Reference Number:: 21459 Title: The reason why plural marriage is permitted for men but not for women Question: I have some questions about Islam, could you explain them for me? I think that Islam allows a man to marry more than one wife if he is able to take care of them in all in all aspects. Does Islam allow a woman to have more than one husband? Why not?. Answer: Praise be to Allaah. With regard to why Islam does not allow a woman to marry more than one man, the imams (may Allaah have mercy on them) have explained the wisdom of the Lord behind that. For example, Ibn al-Qayyim (may Allaah have mercy on him) said: That is the wisdom of the Lord and His kindness and mercy towards His slaves and His taking care of their affairs. Exalted be He far above anything other than that. His laws are above suggesting anything other than that. If it were permitted for a woman to have two husbands or more, the world would be corrupted, lineages would be lost, the husbands would kill one another, there would be 30
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great misery and tribulation, and there would be continuous trouble. How could a woman be in a good position if she were shared by a number of men who were fighting all the time? How could the men who share her be in a good situation? The fact that sharee’ah brings the teachings it does is one of the greatest signs of the wisdom of the Lawgiver and His mercy and care. If it is said, how come men are taken care of and given free rein to satisfy their desires and move from one wife to another according to their desires and needs, when a woman’s sex drive is the same as a man’s? The answer is that because women are usually hidden behind veils and inside their houses, and women tend to be more even-tempered than men, and less active than men, and men have been given more physical strength and energy which makes men’s desires greater than woman’s and men are affected by these desires more than women, a man is allowed to marry more partners than a woman is. This is one of the things that have been given exclusively to men and not to women, one of the things in which they have been given something more than women, just as they are also favoured over women in that only men can be Messengers, Prophets, caliphs, kings, governors and judges, and go out for jihad, etc., and men have been made qawwaamoon (protectors and maintainers) of women, taking care of them, working to provide them with the means of living, exposing themselves to danger, travelling about in the land and exposing themselves to all sorts of trials in order to take care of their wives. The Lord is Ever-Appreciative and Forbearing, so He 31
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appreciates the men’s efforts and has rewarded them by giving them something that He has not given to the women. If you compare the exhaustive efforts and hard work that men do for the sake of woman with the jealousy that women suffer, you will find that the men’s share of effort and exhaustion is greater than the women’s share of having to put up with jealousy. This is the perfect justice, wisdom and mercy of Allaah, may He be praised as He deserves. See also Question No. 10009. Islam Q&A (www.islam-qa.com) Question Reference Number:: 14021 Title: She is asking her husband to divorce her co-wife Question: I left my country to live in an environment more condusive to learning about Islam, and Alhamdulillah, Allah provided me with a wonderful family who looked after me, JazahumAllahu kheyran. The father of this family took the responsibility of walayah (my family is not Muslim) - in looking for an appropriate husband for me, making arrangements for my accomodations, provision, and Islamic education. As we began to go through potential husbands, he became aware that he had most of the qualities I was looking for. He first discussed it with his wife, and then several months later opened the subject with me. However, his first wife made it clear to me that she didn’t want the marriage to take place. I requested another 32
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brother to take the role of wali for me, and on his advice, and the advice of other learned people who know him and his family, and after much istikhara, the marriage took place. My question is two parts - Now, the first wife is claiming that my marriage to her husband is ungratefulness for all of the kindness she had previously shown me, and that I oppressed her by responding to her husband’s proposal without consulting her, and by accepting the marriage with the knowledge that she wasn’t happy with it. 1. Is her claim valid? Have I oppressed her, and did our former friendship create a relationship between us that should have prevented me from marrying her husband? Since then, she has insisted on divorce if he continues with me. As they have seven children, and I have none, the mafsadah in divorcing her was greater than the mafsadah in divorcing me. And as such, she forced him to divorce me even though I was giving up much of my rights to his time and agreed to her stipulations that their children should not know of the matter. 2. Is it within the rights of the first wife to force her husband to divorce the second wife . Answer: Praise be to Allaah. Firstly: It is not permissible for a woman to ask her husband to divorce his second wife: It was narrated that Abu Hurayrah (may Allaah be please with him) said: The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “It is not permissible for a woman to demand her sister’s divorce so that she may take her place 33
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and get married; she cannot have more than what is decreed for her.” (Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 5144; Muslim, 1413). According to another version, the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) forbade women to stipulate (in the marriage contract) that their sister be divorced. (Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 2577). Al-Bukhaari included this hadeeth in a chapter entitled “Marriage conditions which are not permissible.” (a) Ibn al-Qayyim (may Allaah have mercy on him) said: the ruling of the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) indicates that it is haraam for a woman to stipulate that her sister be divorced, and that the husband is not obliged to fulfil this condition. (Zaad al-Ma’aad, 5/107). (b) Al-Haafiz Ibn Hajar said: The apparent meaning of the phrase “it is not permitted” is that this is forbidden. This is to be understood as being the rule so long as there is no reason to allow that, such as there being some suspicion concerning the woman which implies that she should not remain married to the husband. The woman (the new wife) may suggest that to the husband by way of advice only or so as to avoid harm that either party may cause to the other. Ibn Battaal said: Saying that it is not permitted clearly means that it is forbidden, but that does not necessarily mean that the marriage is annulled, rather it is to emphasize that the woman (the new wife) should not demand that he divorce the other wife. She should be content with that which Allaah has decreed for her. (al-Fath, 9/274)
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(c) Al-Nawawi said: the meaning of this hadeeth is that it is not permitted for a non-mahram woman to ask the man to divorce his wife and to marry her so that she becomes the only one on whom he spends, whom treats kindly, has intercourse with, etc, as the divorced woman used to be. Sharh Muslim, 9/193 Based on the above, it is not permissible for the first wife to ask her husband to divorce you, so you should not pay any attention to what she says. Note that this is a case of the jealousy that exists in all women; indeed, jealousy existed even in the best of women, namely the wives of the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him), the Mothers of the Believers. Jealousy is something natural. Secondly: The fact that she had treated you kindly is something for which she will be rewarded, but that does not allow her to ask her husband to divorce you. So be patient and ignore her demand, and treat her kindly as much as you can. The first wife should realize that she will not have anything other than that which is decreed for her, as it says at the end of the hadeeth quoted above from al-Bukhaari. Al-Haafiz Ibn Hajar said: Hence he ended by saying, “she cannot have more than what is decreed for her,” to show that even if she asks for that or insists on it and stipulates it as a condition, nothing will happen except that which is decreed by Allaah. Al-Fath, 9/275 And Allaah knows best.
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Islam Q&A Sheikh Muhammed Salih Al-Munajjid (www.islamqa.com) Question Reference Number:: 14022 Title: The ruling on plural marriage and the wisdom behind it Question: I was really into becoming a Muslim. I came to this site to find out how to become Muslim, on doing so I found out alot about the religion I never knew before, and it’s kind of disturbing and almost a let down. I’m sorry I feel like that but it’s true. One of the things that bother me is the polygamy thing, I would like to know where it addresses that in the Holy Qu’ran, please try to give me tips on how to live like that and remain sane? Answer: Praise be to Allaah. Allaah concluded His Message to mankind with the religion of Islam, and He tells us that He will not accept any religion other than that. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning): “And whoever seeks a religion other than Islam, it will never be accepted of him, and in the Hereafter he will be one of the losers” [Aal ‘Imraan 3:85] Your backing away from the religion of Islam is 36
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considered to be a loss for you, and a loss of the happiness that awaited you, had you entered Islam. You should hasten to enter Islam, and beware of delaying, for that delay may lead to regrettable consequences. With regard to what you mention about the reason for your backing off being the idea of plural marriage [polygamy or polygyny], we will present to you the ruling on plural marriage in Islam, and then the wisdom and noble purposes behind it. 1 – The ruling on plural marriage in Islam: The shar’i text which permits plural marriage is: Allaah says in His Holy Book (interpretation of the meaning): “And if you fear that you shall not be able to deal justly with the orphan girls then marry (other) women of your choice, two or three, or four; but if you fear that you shall not be able to deal justly (with them), then only one or (slaves) that your right hands possess. That is nearer to prevent you from doing injustice” [al-Nisa’ 4:3] This is a Qur’aanic text which shows that plural marriage is allowed. According to Islamic sharee’ah, a man is permitted to marry one, two, three or four wives, in the sense that he may have this number of wives at one time. It is not permissible for him to have more than four. This was stated by the mufassireen (commentators on the Qur’aan) and fuqaha’ (jurists), and there is consensus among the Muslims on this point, with no differing opinions. It should be noted that there are conditions attached to plural marriage: 37
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1 – Justice or fairness. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning): “but if you fear that you shall not be able to deal justly (with them), then only one” [al-Nisa’ 4:3] This aayah is indicates that just treatment is a condition for plural marriage to be permitted. If a man is afraid that he will not be able to treat his wives justly if he marries more than one, then it is forbidden for him to marry more than one. What is meant by the justice that is required in order for a man to be permitted to have more than one wife is that he should treat his wives equally in terms of spending, clothing, spending the night with them and other material things that are under his control. With regard to justice or fairness in terms of love, he is not held accountable for that, and that is not required of him because he has no control over that. This is what is meant by the verse, “You will never be able to do perfect justice between wives even if it is your ardent desire” [al-Nisa’ 4:129 – interpretation of the meaning]. 2 – The ability to spend on one’s wives: The evidence for this condition is the verse: “And let those who find not the financial means for marriage keep themselves chaste, until Allaah enriches them of His Bounty” [al-Noor 24:33 – interpretation of the meaning] In this verse Allaah commands those who are able to get 38
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married but cannot find the financial means, to remain chaste. One such example is not having enough money to pay the mahr (dowry) and not being able to spend on one’s wife. (al-Mufassal fi Ahkaam al-Mar’ah, part 6, p. 286). 2 – The wisdom behind permitting plural marriage 1 – Plural marriage helps to increase the numbers of the ummah (nation, Muslim community). It is known that the numbers can only be increased through marriage, and the number of offspring gained through plural marriage will be greater than that achieved through marriage to one wife. Wise people know that increasing the number of offspring will strengthen the ummah and increase the number of workers in it, which will raise its economic standard – if the leaders run the affairs of state well and make use of its resources in a proper manner. Ignore the claims of those who say that increasing the numbers of human beings poses a danger to the earth’s resources which are insufficient, for Allaah the Most Wise Who has prescribed plural marriage has guaranteed to provide provision for His slaves and has created on earth what is more than sufficient for them. Whatever shortfall exists is due to the injustice of administrations, governments and individuals, and due to bad management. Look at China, for example, the greatest nation on earth as far as number of inhabitants is concerned, and it is regarded as one of the strongest nations in the world, and other nations would think twice before upsetting China; it is also one of the great industrialized nations. Who would dare think of attacking China, I wonder? And why? 2 – Statistics show that the number of women is greater than the number of men; if each man were to marry just one woman, this would mean that some women would 39
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be left without a husband, which would have a harmful effect on her and on society: The harmful effect is that she would never find a husband to take care of her interests, to give her a place to live, to spend on her, to protect her from haraam desires, and to give her children to bring her joy. This may lead to deviance and going astray, except for those on whom Allaah has mercy. With regard to the harmful effects on society, it is well known that this woman who is left without a husband may deviate from the straight path and follow the ways of promiscuity, so she may fall into the swamp of adultery and prostitution – may Allaah keep us safe and sound – which leads to the spread of immorality and the emergence of fatal diseases such as AIDS and other contagious diseases for which there is no cure. It also leads to family breakdown and the birth of children whose identity is unknown, and who do not know who their fathers are. Those children do not find anyone to show compassion towards them or any mature man to raise them properly. When they go out into the world and find out the truth, that they are illegitimate, that is reflected in their behaviour, and they become exposed to deviance and going astray. They may even bear grudges against society, and who knows? They may become the means of their country’s destruction, leaders of deviant gangs, as is the case in many nations in the world. 3 – Men are exposed to incidents that may end their lives, for they work in dangerous professions. They are the soldiers who fight in battle, and more men may die than women. This is one of the things that raise the percentage of husbandless women, and the only solution to this problem is plural marriage.
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4 – There are some men who may have strong physical desires, for whom one wife is not enough. If the door is closed to such a man and he is told, you are not allowed more than one wife, this will cause great hardship to him, and his desire may find outlets in forbidden ways. In addition to that, a woman menstruates each month, and when she gives birth, she bleeds for forty days (this post-partum bleeding is called nifaas in Arabic), at which time a man cannot have intercourse with his wife, because intercourse at the time of menstruation or nifaas is forbidden, and the harm that it causes has been proven medically. So plural marriage is permitted when one is able to be fair and just. 5 – Plural marriage does not exist only in the Islamic religion, rather it was known among the previous nations. Some of the Prophets were married to more than one woman. The Prophet of Allaah Sulaymaan (Solomon) had ninety wives. At the time of the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him), there were some men who became Muslims who had eight or five wives. The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) told them to keep four wives and to divorce the rest. 6 – A wife may be barren, or she may not meet her husband’s needs, or he may be unable to have intercourse with her because she is sick. A husband may long to have children, which is a legitimate desire, and he may want to have a sex life within marriage, which is something permissible, and the only way is to marry another wife. It is only fair for the wife to agree to remain his wife and to allow him to marry another. 7 – A woman may be one of the man’s relatives and have no one to look after her, and she is unmarried or a widow whose husband has died, and the man may think that the best thing to do for her is to include her in his household 41
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as a wife along with his first wife, so that he will both keep her chaste and spend on her. This is better for her than leaving her alone and being content only to spend on her. 8 – There are other shar’i interests that call for plural marriages, such as strengthening the bonds between families, or strengthening the bonds between a leader and some of his people or group, and he may think that one of the ways of achieving this aim is to become related to them through marriage, even if that is through plural marriage. Objection: Some people may object and say that plural marriage means having co-wives in one house, and that the disputes and enmity that may arise between co-wives will have an effect on the husband, children and others, and this is harmful and should be avoided, and the only way to prevent that is to ban plural marriage. Response to the objection: The response to that is that family arguments may occur even when there is only one wife, and they may not even happen when there is more than one wife, as we see in real life. Even if we assume that there may be more arguments than in a marriage to one wife, even if we accept that they may be harmful and bad, the harm is outweighed by the many good things in a plural marriage. Life is not entirely bad or entirely good, but what everyone hopes is that the good will outweigh the bad, and this principle is what applies in the permission for plural marriage. Moreover, each wife has the right to her own, separate accommodation as prescribed in Islam. It is not 42
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permissible for the husband to force his wives to live together in one house. Another objection: If we allow men to have plural wives, why are women not allowed to have multiple husbands, why does a woman not have the right to marry more than one man? Response to this objection: There is no point in giving a woman the right to marry multiple husbands, rather that is beneath her dignity and she would not know the lineage of her children, because she is the one who bears the offspring, and it is not permissible for the offspring to be formed from the sperm of a number of men lest the lineage of the child be lost and no one will know who is responsible for bringing up the child; this will lead to breakdown of families, loss of ties between fathers and children, which is not permitted in Islam as it is not in the interests of the woman or of the child or of society as a whole. Al-Mufassal fi Ahkaam al-Mar’ah, part 6, p. 290 Islam Q&A Sheikh Muhammed Salih Al-Munajjid (www.islamqa.com) Question Reference Number:: 9789 Title: Wife asking husband’s permission to fast when he has another wife Question: Is it obligatory for a wife to ask her husband’s permission to fast if that is on the other wife’s day?
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Answer: Praise be to Allaah. If the husband is present with her then she should not fast without his permission, because he may need her. But if he is with his other wife and it is the other wife’s day, then it seems that it is o.k. for her to fast with or without his permission. Shaykh Muhammad Saalih al-‘Uthaymeen, Majallat alDa’wah, issue no. 1823, p. 54. (www.islam-qa.com) Question Reference Number:: 26318 Title: A man wants to take a second wife – would the second wife be sinning? Question: My cousin and I love one another; he came to propose marriage to me but my mother refused. So he married someone else and had two daughters, but three years later he came back and wants to marry me according to the law of Allaah and His Messenger, and he wants to divorce his wife because of the problems and difficulties between them that have nothing to do with me. I love him but I am afraid of doing wrong to his wife; I do not want to bear any sin if I marry him. May Allaah reward you with good. Answer: Praise be to Allaah. There is nothing to stop you marrying him, whether he divorces his wife or not. Your marriage to him would not be counted as wrongdoing towards his first wife, because 44
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plural marriage is something that is regarded as commendable according to sharee’ah for the one who is able to treat his wives fairly. With regard to the problems between him and his first wife, and his thinking of leaving her, you have nothing to do with that, and you will not be sinning, so long as you do not ask him to divorce her or encourage him to divorce her in any way. But if he does not divorce her and he wants to marry you, then he must treat you both fairly. If he fears that he will not be able to treat you fairly then it is not permissible for him to engage in a plural marriage, because Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning): “… then marry (other) women of your choice, two or three, or four; but if you fear that you shall not be able to deal justly (with them), then only one or (slaves) that your right hands possess” [al-Nisa’ 4:3]. Islam Q&A Sheikh Muhammed Salih Al-Munajjid (www.islamqa.com) Question Reference Number:: 12523 Title: Conditions for plural marriage Question: on what conditions is it allowed for a muslim to marry more than one wife? Answer: Praise be to Allaah. 45
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Marrying more than one wife is a matter which is recommended, subject to certain conditions: that the man be financially and physically able for it, and that he be able to treat his wives justly. Plural marriage brings a lot of benefits, including protecting the chastity of the women whom he marries, bringing people closer together, and producing a lot of children. This is what the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) referred to when he said: “Marry the one who is loving and fertile”. And it serves a lot of other purposes. But for a man to marry more than one wife by way of boasting and taking that as a challenge to prove himself, this is a form of extravagance and extravagance is forbidden. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning): “and waste not by extravagance. Verily, He likes not almusrifoon (those who waste by extravagance)”[alAn’aam 6:141] Fataawa al-Shaykh Ibn ‘Uthaymeen, from Kitaab Fataawa Islamiyyah, vol. 3, p. 205. (www.islam-qa.com) Question Reference Number:: 12544 Title: The first wife’s approval is not a condition for marrying a second wife Question: My question is if you would help me to know the Hadith or the point of vieuw from the Islamic law on the follwing situation. If a woman is married to a man and that this man is also married to an other woman without her, the last, knows about this marriage.
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No need to say that this is a difficult and very exceptional situation but seems the best concerning the circumstances? Answer: Praise be to Allaah. The wife’s approval is not a condition for plural marriage, and it is not obligatory for the husband to have the approval of his first wife if he wants to marry a second wife. But it is good manners and kind treatment to approach the issue in such a way as to reduce the pain which women naturally feel in such cases, by smiling at her, greeting her warmly, speaking nicely to her and spending money on her according to his means, in order to gain her approval. Fataawa Islamiyyah, 3/204. If a husband takes a second wife, he has to treat his wives equally as far as possible. If he does not treat them equally then he is exposing himself to a stern warning, for it was narrated from Abu Hurayrah that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Whoever has two wives and inclines more towards one of them than the other, will come on the Day of Resurrection with half of his body leaning.” (narrated by al-Nisaa’i, ‘Ushrat alNisaa’, 3881; classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in Saheeh Sunan al-Nasaa’i, no. 3682). When Allaah permitted us to marry more than one woman, He said (interpretation of the meaning): “but if you fear that you shall not be able to deal justly (with them), then only one or (slaves) that your right hands possess. That is nearer to prevent you from doing injustice”[al-Nisaa’ 4:3] So Allaah commands that a man should restrict himself 47
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to one wife, if he knows that he cannot be just. And Allaah is the source of strength. See Fataawa Manaar al-Islam, 2/570. Islam Q&A Sheikh Muhammed Salih Al-Munajjid (www.islamqa.com) Question Reference Number:: 13268 Title: Does a man have to treat his co-wives equally in terms of gift-giving and intimacy? Question: Does a man have to treat his co-wives equally in terms of gift-giving and intimacy? Answer: Praise be to Allaah. Ibn Qudaamah said: He does not have to treat his co-wives equally in terms of spending and clothing, so long as he does what he is obliged to do with regard to each of them. Ahmad said concerning a man who had two wives: he has the right to favour one of them in terms of spending, intimacy and clothing, so long as the other has enough. He may buy for one of them clothing of a higher quality than for the other, so long as the other has enough. This is because treating them equally in all these matters is too difficult, and if it were obligatory then he would only be able to do it with great difficulty. So he does not have to 48
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do it, as is the case in treating them all equally with regard to intimacy. Al-Mughni, 7/233 (www.islam-qa.com) Question Reference Number:: 22218 Title: How to start fair treatment between two wives Question: If a man marries a second wife, how should he start fair treatment between his two wives? Answer: Praise be to Allaah. Ibn Qudaamah said: If he marries a virgin, he should stay with her for seven nights, then start alternating (between his wives). If he marries a previously-married woman, then he should stay with her for three nights. That is because Abu Qulaabah narrated that Anas (may Allaah be pleased with him) said: “It is part of the Sunnah, if a man marries a virgin after marrying a previously-married woman, that he should stay with her for seven days, then start sharing his time, and if he marries a previouslymarried woman, he should stay with her for three days, then start sharing his time.” Abu Qulaabah said: If you wish, you may say that Anas attributed this to the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) and it is agreed upon. If the previously-married woman wants him to stay with her for seven days, then he should do that, and make it up to the other wives later on , because Umm Salamah narrated that the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) stayed with her for three days, and he said, “You are not unimportant; if you 49
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want I can stay seven nights with you, but if I do that, I have to do likewise with the rest of my wives.” According to another version, “If you wish, I will stay with you for three nights, then I will alternate among you.” According to another report: “If you wish, I will stay with you for three nights exclusively for you.” Al-‘Iddah Sharh al-‘Umdah by Ibn Qudaamah al-Maqdisi, p. 479 (www.islam-qa.com) Question Reference Number:: 13740 Title: He has two wives and he is not dividing his time among them fairly Question: Is it obligatory for a husband with two wives to designate specified days for each wife. Also, is it permissable that he share the days between the two. My husband presently has no designated days for us. He comes to my home when he has finish his rounds at my co-wives house. He then comes to my home to go to bed. This arrangement is not acceptable to me. Were on the brink of divorce. Answer: Praise be to Allaah. The one who has more than one wife has to treat all his wives fairly. One of the matters in which he must be fair is the division of his time, i.e., he must give each wife a day and a night, and he must stay with her on that night. Al-Shaafa’i (may Allaah have mercy on him) said: “The Sunnah of the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) and the opinion of the majority of 50
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Muslim scholars indicate that a man has to divide his days and nights between his wives [giving each a full day and night], and that he has to be fair in doing so. (alUmm, 5/158). And he said: I do not know of any (scholarly) disagreement with the view that a man must share his time among his wives and do so fairly. (al-Umm, 5/280). Al-Baghawi (may Allaah have mercy on him) said: If a man has more than one wife, he has to treat them equally, if they are free [i.e., not slaves], whether they are Muslims or from among the People of the Book [i.e., Jewish or Christian]. If he does not treat them equally, then he has disobeyed Allaah and he has to make it up to the one whom he wronged. It was narrated from Abu Hurayrah that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Whoever has two wives and leans towards (i.e. favours) one of them (over the other), will come on the Day of Resurrection with half of his body leaning.” However there is some dispute concerning its isnaad. (Narrated by Abu Dawood, 2/242; al-Tirmidhi, 3/447; alNasaa’i, 7/64; Ibn Maajah, 1/633; classed as saheeh by al-Haafiz in Buloogh al-Maraam, 3/310, and al-Albaani in Irwaa’ al-Ghaleel, 7/80). What is meant by this “leaning” is favouring in terms of actions; a man will not be taken to task for the inclination of his heart if he treats (his wives) equally in practical terms. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning): “You will never be able to do perfect justice between wives even if it is your ardent desire, so do not incline too much to one of them…” [al-Nisaa’ 4:129] What this means is that you will never be able to treat them equally in your heart, so do not incline too much 51
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towards one of them, i.e., do not make your actions follow your whims and desires. (Sharh al-Sunnah, 9/150-151) Ibn Hazam (may Allaah have mercy on him) said: Treating co-wives equally is obligatory, most of all sharing one’s nights between them. (al-Muhalla, 9/175) Shaykh al-Islam Ibn Taymiyah (may Allaah have mercy on him) said: He has to treat his wives fairly according to the consensus of the Muslims. In the four Sunans it was narrated from Abu Hurayrah that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Whoever has two wives…” He has to be fair in his division of time between them. So if he stays with one of them for one night, or two or three, he should stay with the other for the same number of nights, and he should not give preference to one of them in his sharing of his time. (Majmoo’ al-Fataawa, 32/269) Al-‘Ayni said, commenting on the hadeeth, “Whoever has two wives…”: It was said that what was meant was that half of his body would be leaning in a real sense, or that he would have no acceptable excuse for favouring one wife over the other. The apparent meaning is that this is in the real sense. This is indicated by the report of Abu Dawood, “with half of his body leaning.” The punishment fits the crime, because he did not treat them fairly or he deviated from what is right. Because of his being unfair and favouring one of them, his punishment is that he will come before the witnesses on the Day of Resurrection with one half of his body leaning. (‘Umdat al-Qaari’, 20/199. See also al-Mabsoot, 5/217).
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Al-Shawkaani also understood this to mean that it is obligatory (to treat co-wives fairly). See al-Sayl al-Jiwaar, 2/301; Nayl al-Awtaar, 6/216 Ibn Qudaamah al-Maqdisi (may Allaah have mercy on him) said: We know of no dispute among the scholars concerning the fact that it is obligatory to treat co-wives equally when sharing one’s time between them. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning): “and live with them honourably” [al-Nisaa’ 4:19], but favouring one of them is not honourable. Al-Mughni, 8/138 This husband has to fear Allaah and be fair in his division of his time. The wife has to tell him of the ruling of sharee’ah concerning what he is doing, and of the warning of mistreatment. She should remind him of Allaah and the Hereafter, so that he will check himself and be fair in his division of time. This is better than separating, in sha Allah. And Allaah knows best. Islam Q&A Sheikh Muhammed Salih Al-Munajjid (www.islamqa.com) Question Reference Number:: 13702 Title: A wife giving up her right to maintenance; and is the first wife’s approval needed before one can marry a second wife? Question: Is it halal to have a second wife who says she does not need financial support. If so, what if the first wife does not allow the marriage..can a man still get married again?
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Answer: Praise be to Allaah. Maintenance is one of the rights of the wife which is an obligation upon her husband. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning): “Men are the protectors and maintainers of women, because Allaah has made one of them to excel the other, and because they spend (to support them) from their means.” [al-Nisaa’ 4:34] If the woman foregoes this right, to which she is entitled – which is her maintenance– then it is no longer obligatory upon her husband. Ibn Qudaamah said: If she agrees to forego some part of her share (of her husband’s time) or her maintenance, or all of that, this is permissible. (al-Mughni, vol. 7, p. 244). With regard to the permission and approval of the first wife for a plural marriage, this is not a condition and the husband does not have to seek the permission of his first wife to marry a second. But it is prescribed for him to be kind to her and to spend money and to say kind words so as to calm her down and reduce her jealousy. The Standing Committee was asked about the first wife’s approval for one who wants to marry another wife. Their response was: It is not obligatory for the husband, if he wants to take a second wife, to have the approval of the first wife, but it is the matter of good manners and kind treatment that he should speak to her kindly in such a way as to reduce the feelings of hurt which are natural in women in such cases. That is by smiling at her, showing that he is happy to see her, being kind, speaking nicely and by spending money on her if necessary.
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See Fataawa Islamiyyah, vol. 3, p. 204 Islam Q&A Sheikh Muhammed Salih Al-Munajjid (www.islamqa.com) Question Reference Number:: 9479 Title: There is no hadeeth which says that a wife’s permission is required before taking another wife Question: Is there a hadith that relates to a husband needing the permission of present wife to marry 2nd wife? Answer: Praise be to Allaah. There is no hadeeth which states that, and it is not conditional for the husband to have his wife’s permission to take another wife. But it is in everyone’s interests for him to try to get her consent, because this will help to reduce problems in the marriage. Shaykh Sa’d al-Humayd (www.islam-qa.com) Question Reference Number:: 11785 Title: Her co-wife threatens her, is hostile towards her and does not greet her with salaam Question: What to do when you are married to the same brother and 55
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the first wife threatens you and curses at you and will only give salaams when around other people to save face but doesn’t speak when no one else is around. Ive been married for 9years to him her longer. Answer: Praise be to Allaah. She has to bear it with patience as much as possible, and not repay evil with evil. She should respond to her cowife’s provocations by keeping silent and keeping calm. If she can write her a letter expressing her views, this is good. Then after that she will not be responsible for what she (her co-wife) does, because she will have done what she is obliged to do. Shaykh Muhammad al-Duwaysh Adhere to the words of Allaah (interpretation of the meaning): “and when the foolish address them (with bad words) they reply back with mild words of gentleness” [alFurqaan 25:63] “Repel (the evil) with one which is better (i.e. Allaah orders the faithful believers to be patient at the time of anger, and to excuse those who treat them badly) then verily he, between whom and you there was enmity, (will become) as though he was a close friend” [Fussilat 41:34] Know that there is no better way of dealing with her than fearing Allaah concerning her when disobeys Allaah with regard to you.. And Allaah is the Guide to the straight path. 56
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Islam Q&A Sheikh Muhammed Salih Al-Munajjid (www.islam-qa.com) Question Reference Number:: 4031 Title: Ruling on teaching the second wife’s children on the first wife’s day Question: What is the ruling on going to the second wife on the first wife’s day in order to teach the second wife’s children, during the day when they come back from school? Answer: Praise be to Allaah. We put this question to Shaykh Muhammad ibn Saalih al-‘Uthaymeen, may Allaah preserve him, who answered as follows: “This is not allowed, it is haraam.” Question: But the children need to be taught. Answer: “He should bring them to the house of the wife whose day it is. And Allaah knows best.” Shaykh Muhammad ibn Saalih al-‘Uthaymeen (www.islam-qa.com) 57
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Question Reference Number:: 10237 Title: Is it permissible for him to go to his second wife if he forsakes his first wife for a shar’i reason? Question: Is it permissible for him to go to his second wife if he forsakes his first wife for a shar’i reason [i.e., withholds conjugal relations for disciplinary purposes]? Or should he stay in the same house with the wife whom he is forsaking? Answer: Praise be to Allaah. We put this question to Shaykh Muhammad ibn Saalih al-‘Uthaymeen, may Allaah preserve him, who answered as follows: For the sake of dividing his time fairly among his wives, giving each wife a night and a day, he should stay with her. And Allaah knows best. Shaykh Muhammad ibn Saalih al-‘Uthaymeen (www.islam-qa.com) Question Reference Number:: 10035 Title: He is married to two wives and he does not work; should he divorce one of them? Question: My husband has two wives and no job should he divorce the first wife or the second? 58
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Answer: Praise be to Allaah. A man’s provision is written for him, and the provision of his family is written and decreed. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning): “And no moving (living) creature is there on earth but its provision is due from Allaah. And He knows its dwelling place and its deposit (in the uterus or grave). All is in a Clear Book (AlLaah AlMahfooz — the Book of Decrees with Allaah). [Hood 11:6] Divorcing a wife will not increase one’s provision or make things easier. Marriage and maintaining family stability is what brings blessings and provision. Hence Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning): “And marry those among you who are single (i.e. a man who has no wife and the woman who has no husband) and (also marry) the Saalihoon (pious, fit and capable ones) of your (male) slaves and maidservants (female slaves). If they be poor, Allaah will enrich them out of His Bounty. And Allaah is AllSufficient for His creatures’ needs, AllKnowing (about the state of the people)” [al-Noor 24:32] This aayah indicates that marriage is a means of getting provision. Moreover, Allaah commands men to spend on their families, and commands those whose provision is restricted to spend from what Allaah has given them, as much as they are able. He did not command them to get divorced; on the contrary He said that after hardship would 59
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come ease, and after hard times would come times of plenty. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning): “Let the rich man spend according to his means; and the man whose resources are restricted, let him spend according to what Allaah has given him. Allaah puts no burden on any person beyond what He has given him. Allaah will grant after hardship, ease” [al-Talaaq 65:7] Our advice is that the husband should not divorce any of his wives, and that he should put his trust in Allaah, be patient, and strive to earn provision. He should not be lazy or complacent. He has to put his trust in Allaah in the true sense. The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “If you put your trust in Allaah in the true sense, He will grant your provision as He grants to the birds, who go out in the morning hungry and come back full.” (Narrated by Ahmad, Ibn Maajah and alTirmidhi). Al-Haafiz Ibn Hajar (may Allaah have mercy on him) said: “What is meant by putting one’s trust in Allaah (tawakkul) is believing in what is implied by this aayah (interpretation of the meaning): “And no moving (living) creature is there on earth but its provision is due from Allaah” [Hood 11:6] It does not mean giving up striving and relying on what one may get from one’s fellow-creatures, because doing that may lead to the opposite of what comes from tawakkul. Ahmad was asked about a man who sat in his house or in the mosque and said, “I will not do anything until my rizq comes to me.” He said, “This is a man who has no knowledge. The Prophet (peace and blessings of 60
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Allaah be upon him) said: ‘Allaah has placed my provision under the shadow of my spear,’ and he said: ‘If you to put your trust in Allaah in the true sense, He will grant your provision as He grants to the birds, who go out in the morning hungry and come back full.’” He mentioned that they go out and about seeking their provision. He said: “and the Sahaabah used to go out and engage in trade and tend to their date-palm trees, and they are the example to be followed.” Wives should help their husbands. They should pay attention to his situation and abilities, and they should not expect more of him than he is able to give. If (these two wives) are able to work in suitable jobs and help their husband in spending, without transgressing the limits set by sharee’ah and without neglecting the needs of the house and children, then they will have the reward for that. It was stated in the hadeeth that a woman came to the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) and said, “O Messenger of Allaah, I am a woman who has a skilled craft, and I sell things from that. I, my son and my husband have no other source of income, and they have kept me from giving in charity. I cannot give anything in charity; will I have any reward from what I spend (on them)? The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said to her, “Spend on them and you will a reward so long as you spend on them.” (Narrated by Ahmad, no. 15504). According to a report narrated by al-Bukhaari, the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “She will have two rewards: the reward for (upholding) family ties and the reward for giving in charity.” We ask Allaah to make us independent and free of need, and Allaah knows best. May Allaah bless our Prophet Muhammad and all his family and companions, and grant them peace. 61
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Islam Q&A Sheikh Muhammed Salih Al-Munajjid (www.islam-qa.com) Question Reference Number:: 12031 Title: Is it permissible to suspend division among co-wives on the day of Eid? Question: Is it permissible to suspend division among co-wives on the day of Eid, and spend the day with both wives together? Answer: Praise be to Allaah. We put this question to Shaykh Muhammad ibn Saalih al-‘Uthaymeen, may Allaah preserve him, who answered as follows: If they both agree, then that is fine. But if the wife whose day it is insists on it, then it is still her day. But I advise women to take things easy with regard to this matter, because whoever makes things easy (for others), Allaah will make things easy for him. The day of Eid should be a day of coming together so that all the people may share the joy of their Eid. And Allaah knows best. Shaykh Muhammad ibn Saalih al-‘Uthaymeen (www.islam-qa.com) Question Reference Number:: 10991 Title: Ruling on women hating polygyny (plural marriage) Question: What is the ruling on a woman hating polygyny because 62
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of jealousy, since jealousy is something natural in women, and we read of the jealousy of ‘Aa’ishah (may Allaah be pleased with her) concerning the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him)? So where do we stand? I have learned from reading some books that hating one of the rulings of sharee’ah is tantamount to kufr. Answer: Praise be to Allaah. A woman’s jealousy concerning her husband is something that is innate and natural, and you cannot tell a woman, “Do not feel jealous over your husband.” If a person dislikes something even though it is prescribed in sharee’ah, that does not adversely affect him, so long as he does not hate the fact that it is prescribed. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning): “Jihaad (holy fighting in Allaah’s Cause) is ordained for you (Muslims) though you dislike it, and it may be that you dislike a thing which is good for you and that you like a thing which is bad for you…” [al-Baqarah 2:216] The woman who feels jealous does not hate the fact that Allaah has allowed her husband to marry more than one woman, but she hates to have a co-wife. There is an obvious difference between the two matters. Hence I hope that the brother who has asked this question, and other people, will think carefully about matters and not rush to judgement; I hope that that they will recognize the subtle differences whereby rulings differ. From the fatwas of Shaykh Ibn ‘Uthaymeen for al-Da’wah magazine (www.islam-qa.com) 63
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Question Reference Number:: 8416 Title: Difference in spending on two wives, and spending on children of one wife from a previous marriage Question: I am married to two wives. I am not quite sure how to be fair towards them regarding financial issues. They both live in different houses. One has 2 children from a different marriage, and the other has one son from our marriage. Do I have a financial obligation towards those children who are not mine? The two households spend different amounts of money on basic necessities (food, electricity, gas, transportation....), how can I be fair towards both and that is the case? Answer: Praise be to Allaah. Treating wives equally with regard to spending money and time is waajib (obligatory), unless one of them agrees to forego some of her rights in favour of the other. It is also waajib to treat the children equally, but you do not have to spend on the children from a different marriage unless there is no one to spend on them, in which case their expenses are an obligation on all the Muslims, of whom you are one. If their accommodation differs in terms of basic necessities because one of the families is larger than the other, there is nothing wrong with that, but the additional spending involved should be related to the larger number of individuals concerned. Written by al-Khudayr 64
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Islam Q&A Sheikh Muhammed Salih Al-Munajjid (www.islam-qa.com) Question Reference Number:: 1748 Title: Giving a gift to the wife who gives birth and not to the other wife Question: A man has two wives, and it is the custom among us that when one of them gives birth, he should give her a gift after she finishes her nifaas (post-partum bleeding). Does he have to give a gift to both wives when one of the gives birth, or can he give a gift only to the one who has given birth? Answer: Praise be to Allaah. The basic principle is that he does not have to give a gift to the wife who has not given birth; if she later gives birth, he does not have to give a gift to the other wife. Fairness means that he should give them gifts of equal value, i.e., if he gives the first wife one hundred when she gives birth, he should give his other wife one hundred when she gives birth. He does not have to give her anything before she gives birth, but if he is afraid that problems may arise, and he wants to give a gift to both wives each time one of them gives birth in order to avoid problems, then this is fine and is regarded as kind treatment in the interests of harmony. And Allaah knows best. 65
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Liqa’ al-Baab al-Maftooh by Ibn ‘Uthaymeen, 59/200 (www.islam-qa.com) Question Reference Number:: 2008 Title: Permissibility of marrying a second wife Question: Is it permissible for a person who cannot adjust with his current wife to marry a second wife? He does not want to leave his first wife. Answer: Arabic Answer in audio: Real Audio format — Press here to play (To download player, click on icon:
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English translation: Praise be to Allaah and peace and blessings be upon His Messenger. It is OK for you to marry a second wife, and in fact this could be the solution to your problem, because Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning): “… then marry women of your choice, two or three, or four…” [al-Nisaa’ 4:3] - as long as you are going to treat them equally with regard to where you spend your nights and how much you spend 66
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on them. So if you spend one night with one, and the next night with the other, and spend on them equally, there is nothing wrong at all with marrying a second wife. And Allaah knows best. Islam Q&A Sheikh Muhammed Salih Al-Munajjid (www.islamqa.com) Question Reference Number:: 2040 Title: Polygamy and respecting the wife’s feelings Question: Polygamy...I understand what Allah (swt)has said regarding this subject in as much as the economic and importance of the family structure however where in the Quaran does it address the distressed feelings of a woman when her husband decides to take another wife, and how these two should live in harmony under one roof? Answer: Praise be to Allaah. The first wife’s distress when her husband marries another wife is to be expected, and Allaah has set out rules and regulations to reduce these feelings or remove them altogether, by enjoining justice, patience in the face of adversity, and so on. Whatever the case, the fact that these feelings of distress and the dislike of polygamy exist does not justify condemnation of polygamy. Islam came to serve and increase people’s best interests, and to reduce harmful things and render them ineffective. There is no 67
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doubt that polygamy, when practised properly in accordance with Islam, achieves many things that are in people’s best interests (such as maintaining the chastity of the man who is not satisfied with one wife, taking care of and maintaining the chastity of the woman who has no husband, increasing the offspring of the Muslims, solving the problem of widows and spinsters, and of the reduced numbers of men after times of war, and so on). As regards the bad things that happen in cases of polygamy, either they are very small when compared to its benefits, or they stem from bad application of this practice. One of the rights which Islam gives to women is that a wife should have her own house, so the two wives do not have to live together under one roof. And Allaah knows best. Islam Q&A Sheikh Muhammed Salih Al-Munajjid (www.islamqa.com) Question Reference Number:: 61 Title: Validity of marrying a second wife for mere love and without consent of first wife Question: Is it ok for husband to marry a second wife, without the consent of the first wife. Just because the man, or husband, in our case, falls in love with another woman. Hence, should he marry her, even though he is already married? Does Islam allow such a situation for a man? Answer: Al-hamdu lillah (praise be to Allah). Before responding to the this question, a comment must be made regarding 68
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an objectionable and reprehensible issue implied in the question, and that is the mentioning by the sister that he “falls in love with another woman”. It is known that it is not permissible in the Islamic religion the establishment of a relationship between a man and a woman who is ajanabiyya to him (lit. foreign, i.e., marriable) before marriage, for Allah revealed in Surat al-Maa’ida (the Table), ayah 5 a verse whose meaning can be translated as: “This day are (all) things good and pure made lawful unto you. The food of the People of the Book is lawful unto you and yours is lawful unto them. (Lawful unto you in marriage) are (not only) chaste and virtuous women who are believers, but chaste women among People of the Book, revealed before your time, when you give them their due dowers, and desire chastity, not lewdness, nor secret intrigues. If any one rejects faith, fruitless is his work, and in the Hereafter he will be in the ranks of those who have lost (all spiritual good).” And the word “akhdaan” that appears in this ayah (appearing above as “secret intrigues”) means intimate friend or companion, and in this case refers to a lover, and Allah has indicated in Surat al-Ahzaab (33:53) that a condition for talking with women when it is needed is: (a translation of the meaning) “…and if you ask them (women) for something you want, ask them from behind a hijab (both in the sense of a physical barrier such as a screen or wall, as well as in clothing); that makes for greater purity for your hearts and for theirs…” And Allah has commanded women not to speak with soft, sensual voices with a man who is ajnabi (lit. foreign, meaning one to whom is not forbidden marriage for her) so that he is not tempted by their voices, and so as not to 69
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provoke feelings of lust. Allah ta’aala said in Surat alAhzaab ayah 32 a verse whose meaning can be translated as: “… if you do fear (Allah) be not too complaisant of speech lest one in whose heart is a disease should be moved with desire; but utter sufficient and appropriate speech.” (33:32) So how could it possibly be permissible after all of these injunctions to establish love or friendship relations among women and men who are ajaanib (marriable)?? And as for the original matter of the question, Allah subhanahu wa-ta’ala who is al-Hakim (All Wise) alKhabir (All Experienced) and who is more knowledgeable about the human beings He created than they themselves are about themselves, has ordained that a man is allowed to marry whom he wills among women as long as he does not bond in marriage under his care and responsibility more than four women. And this is conditioned upon him dealing justly among them the known justice specified by shari’a which includes overnight stays and spending. If he does not have the ability and capacity to deal with such justice, then he should suffice with one, as Allah indicates in Surat al-Nisaa’ in ayah 3, which has a meaning that can be translated as: “… marry women of your choice, two, or three, or four; but if you fear that you will not be able to deal justly (with them) then only one…” (4:3) And Allah’s shar’aa (Islamic law) is all just and wise, and He ordains what He wills and does what He want and it is incumbent upon as human beings to believe and have faith and submit and obey and abide by the shari’a, otherwise then we are not Muslims nor mu’mineen
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(believers). As Allah also said in Surat al-Nisaa’ ayah 65 a verse whose meaning can be translated as: “But no, by your Lord, they can have no (real) faith until they make you judge in all disputes between them, and find in their souls no resistance against your decisions, but accept them with the fullest conviction” (3:65) and in Surat al-Ahzaab, ayah 36, a meaning that can be translated as: “It is not fitting for a mu’min (believing man) or mu’mina (believing woman) when a matter has been decided by Allah and His Messenger to have any option about their decision: if anyone disobeys Allah and His Apostle he is indeed strayed on a manifestly wrong path.” (33:36) Furthermore, no evidence appears neither in the Qur’an nor sunnah requiring the permission of the first wife if her husband wishes to marry another wife, and therefore he is not required to ask her permission. However, he needs to be judicious in taking this decision and to weigh it carefully with respect to benefits and drawbacks and to look with the eye of wisdom at all of the considerations pertaining to the matter, and he should strive all he can to conciliate, reassure, and satisfy his first wife, in order to ease and mitigate the effect of the matter upon her. Islam Q&A Sheikh Muhammed Salih Al-Munajjid (www.islamqa.com)
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Chapter 2 Transactions Marriage: Kind Treatment of Spouses Question Reference Number:: 36818 Title: Her husband left her for a long time with her agreement; is she sinning by not asking for a divorce? Question: The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Any woman who asks her husband for a divorce with no reason, the fragrance of Paradise will be forbidden to her.” My question: What is the ruling on a wife whose husband left her 4 years ago and she is neither divorced nor is she a wife in any real sense, but she does not want a divorce because she loves him very much, and she hopes that Allaah will guide him and she can go back to him – is she sinning with regard to herself or her husband?. Answer: Praise be to Allaah. Firstly: Islam has given men a great deal of responsibility, which is to take care of the family and to be the protector and maintainer. The man’s role in fulfilling his duties towards his family is very great, and this role requires him to be present all the time so that he can keep an eye on everything, correct mistakes and guide his young children. He is the mainstay, protector and foundation of this family. 72
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If a man neglects his role, that results in unjust treatment for his wife. Allaah says in a hadeeth qudsi: “O My slaves, I have forbidden injustice to Myself and I have made it haraam amongst you, so do not treat one another unjustly.” This may lead to destruction of the family and a great deal of evil may result from this separation, for both the man and the woman. Each of them may take a lover to make up for missing their spouse, for the Shaytaan exploits weak points and flows through the son of Adam like blood. In addition to that, think of the injustice that happens to the children as a result and the shortcoming in taking care of them that means that the woman has to work harder and play the role of both father and mother at the same time. This is something that cannot be done in most cases. We all know the status of the father and the role that he plays in the family, and what may happen when he is not there. How will the children be raised, and how much will they suffer when their father is absent from them? This is what makes children hate their fathers, because they abandoned them and did not take care of them or look after them as they should. Secondly: A man may dislike his wife and not be able to stand being with her any longer. In that case it is prescribed in sharee’ah for him either to keep her in a proper and decent manner or to let her go in a kind manner. He may not be able to keep her in a decent manner because of his intense dislike for her – for example – or for some other reason, so there remains no choice but to be frank, in a kind manner, and divorce her kindly, and give her all her rights in full. The woman may want to stay with him as a wife, so she
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may ask him to keep her and forego some of her rights over him, such as the division of his time (in the case of a plural marriage) and spending. In that case the man should agree to her request, because that will make her feel good and will mean that he is still being kind to her, especially if that will not cause him any harm or problems. The following verse was revealed concerning such situations (interpretation of the meaning): “And if a woman fears cruelty or desertion on her husband’s part, there is no sin on them both if they make terms of peace between themselves; and making peace is better. And human inner-selves are swayed by greed. But if you do good and keep away from evil, verily, Allaah is Ever WellAcquainted with what you do” [al-Nisa’ 4:128] ‘Aa’ishah (may Allaah be pleased with her) said – as narrated by al-Bukhaari (4910) and Muslim (3021) – that this verse was revealed concerning such situations. She said: “ ‘And if a woman fears cruelty or desertion on her husband’s part’ this refers to a woman who is married to a man who does not want to keep her any longer and wants to divorce her and marry someone else, and she says to him: ‘Keep me and do not divorce me, but marry someone else too, and you do not have to spend on me or give me a share of your time.’ This is what Allaah says: ‘there is no sin on them both if they make terms of peace between themselves; and making peace is better’.” Conclusion: It is not permissible for a man to leave his wife for so long; if he does that, then the woman has the right to refer the matter to the qaadi and ask for a divorce so as to avoid harmful consequences. 74
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If she chooses to be patient in the hope that Allaah will guide him and he will give up this mistreatment, there is no sin on her in sha Allaah, subject to the condition that this does not expose her to temptation because of her being away from her husband. We ask Allaah to set the affairs of the Muslims straight and to guide them aright. And Allaah knows best. Islam Q&A (www.islam-qa.com) Question Reference Number:: 34489 Title: Ruling on reading erotic stories with one’s spouse Question: It is permissible to read erotic stories with one’s spouse, with the aim of increasing one’s pleasure?. Answer: Praise be to Allaah. Reading erotic stories, even if that is only with one’s spouse, involves many evils including the following: 1 – These stories are acquired either by purchasing them or borrowing them. That is not permitted because it encourages those who print them, publish them and distribute them. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning): “but do not help one another in sin and transgression” [al-Maa’idah 5:2]. 2 – These stories are only written by immoral and promiscuous people. Most of those who write them are kuffaar who pay no attention to religion, morals or 75
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manners in what they write. Reading them is a means to propagate their deviant ways and bad customs among the people, whether they realize it or not. The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “The likeness of a good companion and a bad one is that of the one who carries musk and the one who works the bellows. As for the one who carries musk, either he will give you some or you will buy some from him, or you will notice a nice smell from him. And as for the one who works the bellows, either he will burn your clothes or you will notice an unpleasant smell from him.” Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 5534; Muslim, 2628. Al-Haafiz said: This hadeeth indicates that it is forbidden to sit with those whose company will harm your religious or worldly interests. Fath al-Baari, 4/410. 3 – These stories contain lies and exaggerations, and describe imaginary events which affect the reader in negative ways and make each partner less content with the other. 4 – There is no guarantee that these stories will not fall into the hands of children whose morals will be corrupted and they will be led astray or they will think badly of their parents. The parents may not be aware of that, but they will bear the burden of their children’s sin when regret will be of no avail. For these reasons and others it is not permissible to read these stories at all. There is sufficient in what is permissible so that we have no need of that which is haraam; what Allaah has permitted gives sufficient pleasure which Allaah is pleased with and by means of which the individual and the society are protected from the spread of evil and immorality. And Allaah knows best. Islam Q&A (www.islam-qa.com) 76
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Question Reference Number:: 31773 Title: Ruling on kissing one’s wife in front of the children Question: What amount of affection can a husband and wife display in front of their children . Can they hug, kiss lightly, hold hands in front of their children?. Answer: Praise be to Allaah. The Islamic ruling on this matter is as follows: Firstly: If this hugging and kissing is of the type that takes place between husband and wife when they are alone, then it is not permissible to do it in front of the children whether they are little or big. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning): “O you who believe! Let your slaves and slavegirls, and those among you who have not come to the age of puberty ask your permission (before they come to your presence) on three occasions: before Fajr (morning) Salaah (prayer), and while you put off your clothes for the noonday (rest), and after the ‘Isha’ (night) Salaah (prayer). (These) three times are of privacy for you; other than these times there is no sin on you or on them to move about, attending to each other. Thus Allaah makes clear the Ayaat (the Verses of this Qur’aan, showing proofs for the legal aspects of permission for visits) to you. And Allaah is AllKnowing, AllWise. 59. And when the children among you come to puberty, then let them (also) ask for permission, as those senior to them (in age). Thus Allaah makes clear His Ayaat 77
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(Commandments and legal obligations) for you. And Allaah is AllKnowing, AllWise” [al-Noor 24:58-59] Ibn Katheer said: Here servants and children are commanded not to intrude upon the adults of the household at these times, lest the man be in a position of intimacy with his wife and so on. (3/401). If children are obliged to seek permission lest they see something of that which takes place between husband and wife, then what about doing such things openly in a deliberate manner? Look at the etiquette that was observed in the household of the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) and how the Sahaabah (may Allaah be pleased with them) transmitted the details of his life. The following was narrated from the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) concerning that: It was narrated from Kurayb the freed slave of ‘AbdAllaah ibn ‘Abbaas that ‘Abd-Allaah ibn ‘Abbaas told him that he stayed overnight with Maymoonah, the wife of the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him), who was his maternal aunt. He said: I lay my head on the end of the pillow and the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) and his wife placed their heads on its side. The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) slept until midnight, or shortly before or after, then the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) woke and started to rub the sleep from his eyes with his hands. Then he recited the last ten verses of Aal ‘Imraan… Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 4571; Muslim, 763. Al-Nawawi (may Allaah have mercy on him) said: This indicates that it is permissible for a man to sleep alongside 78
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his wife without being intimate with her in the presence of one of her mahrams, even if he has reached the age of discernment. Al-Qaadi said: In some versions of this hadeeth it says: Ibn ‘Abbaas said: I stayed overnight with my maternal aunt one night when she was menstruating. Even though the isnaad of this version is not saheeh, it contains a very interesting idea, because Ibn ‘Abbaas would not have asked to stay overnight on a night when the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) may have wanted to be intimate with his wife, and his father would not have sent him there unless he knew that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) would have no need to be intimate with his wife – because it is well known that he would not have been intimate with her when Ibn ‘Abbaas was there sharing the same pillow with them and he was watching to see what the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) did, and he did not sleep or he only slept a little. Sharh Muslim, 6/46 In addition, doing such things openly is an action that is contrary to honour and decency. Al-Maawardi said: Honour and decency means making sure that one’s deeds befit the circumstances so that no deeds may appear abhorrent or blameworthy. Adab al-Dunya wa’l-Deen, 392. The negative effects that such behaviour has on the children’s upbringing is sufficient reason not to do it, for children are created with the natural instinct to imitate their parents in all their affairs. So there is the fear that one of them may try to do that out of ignorance and a lack of understanding of what he is doing, and this is bad enough. Moreover there is no guarantee that small children talk to others about what they have seen, and it is obvious 79
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that this will cause embarrassment and loss of geerah (protective jealousy) Secondly: If the affection that the husband and wife show in front of the children is of the kind that is usually shown, namely compassion, kindness and care, which will fill the house with peace and respect and happiness, especially on occasions such as Eid etc, that is permissible. Showing that kind of affection will have an effect on the children’s peace of mind and will make them sense that there is mutual understanding and harmony in their family. There is nothing wrong with showing that kind of affection, but only as much as is necessary and without doing anything that is forbidden. And Allaah knows best. Islam Q&A (www.islam-qa.com) Question Reference Number:: 23283 Title: She is complaining that her husband does not give her her marital rights Question: I’m having a problems with my husband sleeping with me. he stays up reading and lookin at sex pornos instead of coming to bed with me. i call him to bed and he would say he’s not tired. this has been going on for some years not. i’m not comfortable in my marriage. can someone please respond to it. my husband is refussing to have more counseling. once was enough for him. i’m hurting, he’s not. please help me. Answer: Praise be to Allaah.
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We put this question to a female sociologist and she replied (may Allaah reward her): My dear sister: it is no secret that the two parties – husband and wife – may pass through a stage in their married life like that which you are currently experiencing with your husband. There may be many reasons for that, and we would need to know more details in order to determine the cause. But we will try to suggest to you the best ways of dealing with it, in sha Allah. First of all, you are to be commended for guarding your married life and for your chastity and patience for such a long time. We admire and respect you for your understanding and your keenness that your marriage should continue. Seek reward with Allaah, for Allaah tests His slaves to see which of them will be patient, and He raises their status when they are patient, and gives them a way out. This is one of the main ways of dealing with such situations, and is indeed the most important way. Now we will discuss the matter step by step. First of all you mention that when you call your husband, he gives the excuse that he is tired. 1 – Have you tried to talk to him about this matter? If you talk to him you will probably find out some things of which you were unaware. Some men may be affected by impotence which makes them give excuses to their wives, but they feel too embarrassed to explain the reason. Some of them even try to avoid the issue and the only thing that can do is to resort these bad magazines to prove to himself and to those around him that he is still a man.
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You should sit with him and talk frankly, and explain to him in a gentle and kind manner that you are his loving wife and that one of your rights over him is that he should fulfil your desires – which Allaah has created in you –, and that you would like to know the reason why, and that this will increase your respect for him and will not affect your married life or your opinion of him. A man always fears that he will regarded as lacking somehow, especially in his wife’s eyes. Perhaps he will tell you other reasons and you can evaluate them according to what you know about your married life. 2 – Perhaps you can also try writing a letter, discussing the issue in a gentle and tactful manner, because this has also proven to be a useful means which, by Allaah’s grace, has helped to solve some problems, especially when one of the parties has refused to talk or it is difficult to discuss it with him. 3 – Find out the ways to your husband’s heart. Wear the kind of clothes that he likes you to wear, put on some nice perfume of the kind that he likes most, and try to change the daily routine and introduce something new into your lives. 4 – Tell him of your love and respect for him, through a scented letter, beautiful words and other means. You could write some nice words on the mirror, for example, or give him a gift with some words from the heart written on it, which will tell him of your love for him. 5 – A smile charms all people, especially men. Look at him with love and a heartfelt smile. Send him your love whilst looking at him, without saying anything, as long as that comes from the depths of your heart. 6 – Try to draw closer to your husband with the words and actions that he loves, seeking thereby the pleasure of 82
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Allaah. If you find that you have done all that you can, you can bring in a mediator whom you know your husband trusts and who is wise and persuasive, without telling him exactly what is going on between you, to hint to him and discuss the rights and duties of marriage with him, without him telling your husband that you have mentioned that to him or that you have asked him to intervene. But this is subject to the condition that he should be a person who is known for his good morals, upright nature and chastity. 7 – You should call him, kindly, to give up that which angers Allaah, such as these magazines, in an indirect manner; such leaving in a place near where he sleeps a fatwa saying that this is not permissible, or playing a tape with a lecture or lesson that may move him, or trying to recite soorahs of the Qur’aan near him. 8 – I wish that you would banish the idea of separation from your mind, and strive hard and be patient, so that you may attain a great reward and a high status before Allaah, because if you leave him, you may not necessarily find another suitable husband. Moreover, if you have children, this makes it even more important for you to be patient, unless it is impossible to be patient and you find that you have no other choice but to leave, in which case you may do so. 9 – Take care of yourself and your own life and faith. Strengthening your relationship with Allaah will make things easier for you and will give you peace of mind and certain faith. Look to the future and be certain that it will be better, so long as you remain close to Allaah. Ask Him for that in your prayers constantly. If you can set aside some times when you occupy yourself with good things or do some voluntary work for charity or some da’wah activities with some sisters, then these good deeds will strengthen your personality and make it attractive. 83
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10 – Distract yourself from thinking about your husband, if only for a short while. Distract yourself with other things such as a simple project or participating in some internet web sites to fill your time. Remember to relax with some things that do not go against Islam so that you can have the strength to carry on. Finally, you have three “keys” at your disposal which will help you in all your affairs by Allaah’s leave: 1 – Du’aa’. There is nothing that Allaah cannot do on earth or in heaven. Seek out the times when du’aa’s are answered, such as the last part of the night, the last hour of Friday, between the adhaan and iqaamah, and also when fasting, and when prostrating. Make a lot of du’aa’ and ask Allaah to make you righteous and guide you, ask Him to bring you both closer together and to take away the things that are upsetting you, and ask Him for His forgiveness and to keep you safe and sound. 2 – Certainty of faith, thinking positively of Allaah, for He is able to do whatever He wills when He wills. 3 – Patience, as the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) advised Ibn ‘Abbaas (may Allaah be pleased with him): “Remember that there is much good in bearing with patience that which you dislike, and that victory comes with patience, and that with hardship comes a way out and with difficulty comes ease.” Narrated by Ahmad, 2800. And as the saying goes: the world has never seen a patient man who did not get what he wanted, and if he did not get what he wanted, he got something better and greater than that, by Allaah’s leave. Remember that one hardship cannot overcome two reliefs. Allaah has promised His slaves that with every hardship comes two reliefs as He says (interpretation of the meaning): 84
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“Verily, along with every hardship is relief, 6. Verily, along with every hardship is relief” [al-Sharh 94:5-6] Ask Allaah to reconcile between you and to make your husband a delight to you, and to bring you together in this world and in the Hereafter. Asking Allaah to make things easier for you. Islam Q&A (www.islam-qa.com) Question Reference Number:: 34589 Title: Problems caused by wife’s illness Question: My brother married a woman who suffers from retinal atrophy, and he did not know anything about her sickness until two months ago. All he knew was that her vision was weak, and he got married to her. Now he is wondering whether he should separate from her because he feels that she will not be able to raise his children properly if she has children. He is always arguing with her mother because she speaks badly to him and he thinks that she bewitched him to make him marry her daughter. Now he cannot control his anger most of the time and he beats his wife, and he insults her in horrible terms. I hope you can suggest what is best for them. Answer: Praise be to Allaah. 85
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What you have mentioned about her suffering from retinal atrophy is not one of the faults which the fuqaha’ have stated give the husband the choice of annulling the marriage. But some scholars, such as Shaykh al-Islam Ibn Taymiyah, and Ibn al-Qayyim – and Shaykh Ibn ‘Uthaymeen who regarded it as being the correct view – narrated that every fault which puts the other spouse off, so that the purposes of marriage, namely compassion and love, cannot be achieved, mean that the spouse has the choice of annulling the marriage. (Zaad al-Ma’aad, 5/ 163) Based on this, the choice of annulment is given in every case where there is a fault that affects the purposes of marriage, namely love, intimacy, bearing children, etc. But your brother came to know of this fault after that, and he did things which indicate that he accepted that, namely continuing to be intimate with her and not hastening to annul the marriage. According to the fuqaha’ this indicates that he accepts it, and that he does not have the right to annul the marriage. But as you know, divorce is the man’s right and he may divorce his wife if he thinks that he cannot live a good life with her and that he cannot feel love for her and feel at ease with her, which is the basis of marriage. What we advise in such situations is to be patient with this wife and try to solve the problem. If her mother is the main reason for the problems, then it is better to keep a distance from her and to live in separate accommodation. If your brother lives in the same house as her or nearby, then it is sufficient to keep in touch by phone and pay brief visits, etc. If the wife’s bad attitude is the reason for the problem, then your brother should check himself and how he treats his wife, for the way he treats her, beating her and calling her names, may be the reason for her bad 86
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attitude. He should seek the help of people who have experience in dealing with such problems, and try different ways of finding a solution to each problem. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning): “If you dislike them, it may be that you dislike a thing and Allaah brings through it a great deal of good” [al-Nisa’ 4:19] If it is too much for him and he finds that there is no way to solve the problem or to live peacefully with his wife, then there is no sin in divorcing her; in this case she is entitled to the mahr because the marriage has been consummated. And Allaah knows best. Islam Q&A (www.islam-qa.com) Question Reference Number:: 49945 Title: His wife does not cover her hands – should he threaten to divorce her? Question: What should I do if my wife refuses to cover her hands, even though I asked her to do that from the beginning, then I commanded her to, but she refuses? What do you say if I threaten her with divorce?. Answer: Praise be to Allaah. We have explained in the answer to questions no. 11774 87
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and 21536 the ruling on women covering their faces and hands, and that it is obligatory for them to cover them in front of non-mahram men. Allaah has enjoined woman to be obedient to her husband, and has made men qawwaamoon (protectors and maintainers) of women. They are supposed to direct and look after women as a leader directs and looks after his people, because of the physical and mental characteristics with which Allaah has distinguished them, as well as the financial duties that He has enjoined upon them. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning): “Men are the protectors and maintainers of women, because Allaah has made one of them to excel the other, and because they spend (to support them) from their means” [al-Nisa’ 4:34] Ibn Katheer said: ‘Ali ibn Abi Talhah said, narrating from Ibn ‘Abbaas: “Men are the protectors and maintainers of women” means: they are in charge of them and the woman should obey her husband in the matters in which Allaah has enjoined obedience. Obeying him means treating his family well and looking after his wealth. Tafseer Ibn Katheer, 1/492. If the wife goes against his wishes and refuses to obey him, the husband has to take a gradual approach in handling the matter. First he should admonish her and remind her of the punishment for disobeying his command. If that does not succeed, then he moves on to forsaking her in bed. If that does not work, then he may hit her, but in a manner that is not severe, and there is nothing wrong with also threatening her with divorce. 88
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Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning): “As to those women on whose part you see illconduct, admonish them (first), (next) refuse to share their beds, (and last) beat them (lightly, if it is useful)” [al-Nisa 4:34] Shaykh ‘Abd al-Rahmaan al-Sa’di said: “those women on whose part you see illconduct” means, those who refuse to obey their husbands and disobey them in word or deed; they should be disciplined gradually. “Admonish them (first)” means, explain the ruling of Allaah concerning obedience to one’s husband, encouraging obedience and warning against disobedience. If the wife stops, then that is what is wanted. Otherwise the husband should forsake her in her bed, by not sleeping with her or having intercourse with her, until the desired result is achieved. Otherwise he may hit her, in a manner that is not severe. If one of these methods achieves the desired result and the wife obeys, then “seek not against them means (of annoyance)” i.e., you have got what you wanted, so do not keep rebuking them for things that are in the past, or draw attention to faults that will cause trouble if you mention them. Tafseer al-Sa’di, p. 142. You can seek help in admonishing her and advising her by means of useful tapes and books which speak of the obligation of hijab for the Muslim woman, and explain the seriousness of disobedience and its consequences in this world and in the Hereafter. You have to be gentle and kind with her. The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Allah is kind and He loves kindness and confers upon kindness that which he does not confer upon 89
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harshness and does not confer upon anything else besides it (kindness).” Narrated by Muslim, 2593. And he (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “There is never any kindness in a thing but it adorns it, and kindness is never lacking from a thing but that makes it ugly.” Narrated by Muslim, 2594. And Allaah knows best. Islam Q&A (www.islam-qa.com) Question Reference Number:: 45864 Title: Her father mistreats her and her mother resents her, and this has affected her relationship with her husband Question: I got married two years ago. My husband – praise be to Allaah – fears Allaah with regard to the way he treats me, but I have a psychological complex because of a father who did not fear Allaah with regard to me, my siblings and my mother, which created resentment in my heart and in my siblings’ hearts towards him. Even though I have got married and moved away from that horrible life, I cannot help but be upset because of my mother’s and siblings’ suffering. They are still suffering and that affects the way I treat my husband who respects me, but his patience sometimes runs out when he sees me so sad most of the time and he thinks that I like to be miserable. What should I do? Also, my siblings and I cannot respect my father because of the way he has treated us; what should we do to rid ourselves of our resentment towards him? We try to respect him, but he does not respect anyone and he suffers from a complex whereby he hates everyone who is better than him, and he loves to show off and to 90
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stand out, i.e., he wants to show people that he owns a great deal even though he does not own anything, rather he is in debt. I hope that you can help me to solve this problem. Answer: Praise be to Allaah. Firstly: With regard to your father, you have to keep on advising him and reminding him of what Allaah has enjoined upon him with regard to himself and to his family. You have to try different methods of advising him. It may be hard for him to hear it from you, but do not despair of reminders and exhortations reaching him by way of your relatives or his friends. You could also let him listen to some useful tapes. Secondly: You have to fear Allaah with regard to your husband. You should not bring the worries of your family into your husband’s house and place them on his shoulders, especially since he treats you well and you do not see anything from him that upsets you. What you have to do is to appreciate him and treat him kindly. This is what Allaah commands you to do. Thirdly: No one is free of diseases – except those on whom Allaah has mercy. The fact that your father likes to show off and to appear to be better than others means that you have to be compassionate towards him, not resent him. The fact that he has treated you badly and is still doing so means 91
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that you should show mercy towards him, for if he dies and meets his Lord in that state, then he will meet Him with many sins. Hence you and your siblings and family have to look again at your relationship with your father and your attitude towards him, for Allaah has commanded us to treat parents well and honour them, even if they call us to shirk and kufr. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning): “But if they (both) strive with you to make you join in worship with Me others that of which you have no knowledge, then obey them not; but behave with them in the world kindly, and follow the path of him who turns to Me in repentance and in obedience. Then to Me will be your return, and I shall tell you what you used to do” [Luqmaan 31:15] Ibraaheem (peace be upon him) debated with his mushrik father politely, as Allaah tells us (interpretation of the meaning): “And mention in the Book (the Qur’aan) Ibraaheem (Abraham). Verily, he was a man of truth, a Prophet. 42. When he said to his father: ‘O my father! Why do you worship that which hears not, sees not and cannot avail you in anything? 43. ‘O my father! Verily, there has come to me of the knowledge that which came not unto you. So follow me, I will guide you to the Straight Path. 44. ‘O my father! Worship not Shaytaan (Satan). Verily, Shaytaan (Satan) has been a rebel against the Most Gracious (Allaah). 45. ‘O my father! Verily, I fear lest a torment from the 92
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Most Gracious (Allaah) should overtake you, so that you become a companion of Shaytaan (Satan) (in the Hellfire).’ 46. He (the father) said: ‘Do you reject my gods, O Ibraaheem (Abraham)? If you stop not (this), I will indeed stone you. So get away from me safely (before I punish you).’ 47. Ibraaheem (Abraham) said: ‘Peace be on you! I will ask forgiveness of my Lord for you. Verily, He is unto me Ever Most Gracious’” [Maryam 19:41-47] Look at the etiquette of this Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) and how he addressed his mushrik father who was threatening his Muslim son. In this there is a great lesson for those who suffer a similar problem with their fathers. Fourthly: With regard to the grief that you feel, it should not make you stop doing things or prevent you from doing acts of worship, or make you fall short in doing that which Allaah has enjoined upon you, such as the duties that Allaah has enjoined upon you towards your husband, or the duty to call your father to Allaah. We advise you to recite a du’aa’ for protection, and another for healing. The du’aa’ for protection is as follows: It was narrated from Anas (may Allaah be pleased with him) that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) used to say: “Allaahumma inni a’oodhu bika min al-hammi wa’l-hazani wa’l’ajzi wa’l-kasali wa’ljubni wa’l-bukhli wa dala’ il-dayn wa ghalbat al-rijaal 93
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(O Allaah, I seek refuge with You from worry, grief, incapacity, laziness, cowardice, miserliness, from being heavily in debt and from being overcome by men).” Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 6008. The du’aa’ for healing is as follows: It was narrated that ‘Abd-Allaah ibn Mas’ood said: The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “If a person who is afflicted by anxiety or sorrow says: ‘Allaahumma inni ‘abduka wa ibnu ‘abdika wa ibn ammatika naasiyati bi yadika maadin fiyya hukmuka ‘adlun fiyya qadaa’uka as’aluka bi kulli ismin huwa laka sammayta bihi nafsaka aw ‘allamtahu ahadan min khalqika aw anzaltahu fi kitaabika aw asta’tharta bihi fi ‘ilm il-ghaybi ‘indaka an taj’al al-Qur’aana rabee’a qalbi wa nooar sadri wa jalaa’a huzni wa dhahaaba hammi (O Allaah, I am Your slave, son of Your slave, son of Your female slave, my forelock is in Your hand, Your command over me is forever executed and Your decree over me is just. I ask You by every name belonging to You with which You have named Yourself, or, or You have taught to any of Your creation, or You have revealed in Your Book, or You have preserved in the knowledge of the Unseen with You, that You make the Qur’aan the life of my heat and the light of my breast, and a departure for my sorrow and a release for my anxiety)’, then Allaah will take away his anxiety and sorrow, and will replace it with joy.” It was said: “O Messenger of Allaah, should we not learn it?” He said: “Yes, whoever hears it should learn it.” Narrated by Ahmad, 3704; classed as saheeh by Shaykh al-Albaani in al-Silsilah al-Saheehah, 199. And Allaah knows best. Islam Q&A (www.islam-qa.com) 94
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Question Reference Number:: 38135 Title: Does her husband have the right not to break the fast with her so he can break his fast in the mosque? Question: I am asking if breaking the fast with jamaa in masjid is important than breaking it with the wife at home especially if the wife did not attend the masjid because she is pregnant and sick all the time? please I want an answer because I have just get married 7 months, and this is my first Ramadan with my husband. Until now he never breaks the fast with me at home. He breaks it in the masjid and he did not show up until 10P.M. Do you think this is an islamic act? Please I want an answer especially I am new muslim but my husband is a muslim born and he told me this is the rule of islam and I do not think that Islam states that?. Answer: Praise be to Allaah. Undoubtedly kind treatment of a wife includes the husband taking care of his wife’s needs, both spiritual and worldly, and doing his duties towards her. One of the first duties of a husband towards his wife is to teach her about her religion and ‘aqeedah (beliefs) as Allaah has enjoined. Undoubtedly your husband’s telling you that what he is doing is what Islam teaches is not correct. This is a kind of speaking about Allaah without knowledge, because the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him), even though he had his companions and was concerned about their affairs and meeting their needs, was nevertheless at his family’s service and took care of them. It was narrated that Aswad said: I asked ‘Aa’ishah what 95
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the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) used to do in his house. She said: “He used to be at his family’s service and when the time for prayer came, he would go out and attend the prayer.” Narrated by alBukhaari, 644. And Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning): “and live with them honourably” [al-Nisa’ 4:19] This indicates that kind and honourable treatment is the basis of married life as enjoined by Allaah. It is well known that breaking the fast with one’s wife, even if that is only on some days, is a kind of treating her kindly, especially at the beginning of marriage, when sharee’ah calls for everything that will help to strengthen the marriage, especially if the wife feels lonely. It is also an opportunity to teach her in a practical manner some of the Sunnahs and etiquette of breaking the fast. Based on the above, we suggest that the husband should take care of his home and family, and look after them, and not fall short in his duties towards them. He should understand that he will be rewarded for taking care of his family’s affairs, more than taking care of others who are not members of his family. Hence the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Charity given to a poor person is charity, but charity given to a relative is two things: charity and upholding the ties of kinship.” Narrated by al-Nasaa’i, no. 2528; classed as saheeh by al-Albaani. And the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Begin with those who are your dependents.” Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 1360; Muslim, 1034. This does not mean that he is Islamically obliged to break the fast 96
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with his wife every day, but undoubtedly it is an act of kindness towards his wife and family to keep them company and reduce their loneliness, and to be with they when they need him in some of their affairs, especially since the questioner says that she is tired because of pregnancy. It is also an act of kindness towards one’s wife and family to be gentle and kind to them, to keep them company and to look after them. It is not an act of kindness to do as some men do, spending the evenings in the company of their friends and not caring about their families or wives. We ask Allaah to set the affairs of the Muslims straight. And Allaah knows best. Islam Q&A (www.islam-qa.com) Question Reference Number:: 43252 Title: The reason why the husband is regarded as superior and is given the role of qawwaam (protector and maintainer) Question: I am a Muslim girl, praise be to Allaah. I have read a lot and I have heard the scholars speak about the husband’s rights over his wife, and how great he is. I have heard ahaadeeth which speak sternly about a woman disobeying her husband. I want to obey the commands of Allaah and His Messenger when I get married, if Allaah wills, but I have a question, if I may ask about it. This question is going around in the minds of many women, but they are too embarrassed to ask them lest they be accused of ignorance or of denying the command of Allaah and His Messenger. The question is: what is it that makes the man superior so that he deserves all these rights over women?. 97
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Answer: Praise be to Allaah. The great rights that a husband has over his wife are something that is affirmed in sharee’ah, as Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning): “And they (women) have rights (over their husbands as regards living expenses) similar (to those of their husbands) over them (as regards obedience and respect) to what is reasonable, but men have a degree (of responsibility) over them. And Allaah is All-Mighty, AllWise” [al-Baqarah 2:228] “Men are the protectors and maintainers of women, because Allaah has made one of them to excel the other, and because they spend (to support them) from their means. Therefore the righteous women are devoutly obedient (to Allaah and to their husbands), and guard in the husband’s absence what Allaah orders them to guard (e.g. their chastity and their husband’s property). As to those women on whose part you see illconduct, admonish them (first), (next) refuse to share their beds, (and last) beat them (lightly, if it is useful); but if they return to obedience, seek not against them means (of annoyance). Surely, Allaah is Ever Most High, Most Great” [al-Nisa’ 4:34] And the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “If I were to command anyone to prostrate to anyone other than Allaah, I would have commanded women to prostrate to their husbands. By the One in Whose hand is the soul of Muhammad, no woman can fulfil her duty towards Allaah until she fulfils her duty towards her husband. If he asks her (for intimacy) even if she is on her camel saddle, she should not refuse.” 98
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Narrated by Ibn Maajah, 1853; classed as saheeh by alAlbaani in Saheeh Ibn Maajah. And there are other similar texts. Allaah has explained the reason in the verse where He says (interpretation of the meaning): “because Allaah has made one of them to excel the other, and because they spend (to support them) from their means” [al-Nisa’ 4:34] This superiority is something that Allaah has decreed, and He is not to be questioned about what He does, rather they are to be questioned. It is also because of what the man does, spending on his family and striving to earn a living for them. Ibn Katheer (may Allaah have mercy on him) said in his Tafseer (1/363): “The phrase ‘but men have a degree (of responsibility) over them’ means that they are superior in physical nature, attitude, status, obedience to the commands of Allaah, spending, taking care of interests, and virtue, in this world and in the Hereafter, as Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning): ‘Men are the protectors and maintainers of women, because Allaah has made one of them to excel the other, and because they spend (to support them) from their means’ [al-Nisa’4:34].” End quote. He also said (1/653): “Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning): ‘Men are the protectors and maintainers of women’ meaning that men are in charge of women, i.e., they are their leaders, who rule over them and discipline 99
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them if they go astray. ‘because Allaah has made one of them to excel the other’ means, because men are superior to women, and men are better than women. Hence Prophethood was given to men only, as is the highest position of authority (i.e., khilaafah or the position of caliph), because the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “No people will ever succeed who appoint a woman as their ruler.” Narrated by alBukhaari from the hadeeth of ‘Abd al-Rahmaan ibn Abi Bakr from his father. The same applies to the position of judge etc. ‘and because they spend (to support them) from their means’ means, because of the mahr, spending and maintenance that Allaah has enjoined upon men with regard to women in His Book and in the Sunnah of His Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him). So men are better than women in and of themselves, and they have the responsibility to spend on them and maintain them, so it is appropriate that the man should be the protector and maintainer of the woman, as Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning): ‘but men have a degree (of responsibility) over them’, i.e., they are in charge of them. She should obey him in that which he commands her to do, and obeying him means treating his family well and protecting his wealth.” End quote. Al-Baghawi said in his Tafseer (2/206): “ ‘because Allaah has made one of them to excel the other’ means, men excel women because they have more powers of reason and religious commitment and they are in charge of affairs. And it was said that this refers to giving testimony, because Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning): ‘And if there are not two men (available), then a man and two women’ [al-Baqarah 2:282]. And it was said that it refers to jihad, or to worship i.e., Jumu’ah and prayers in congregation, or that it refers to the fact that a man may marry four wives, but a woman is not permitted more than one husband; or the fact that divorce is in the man’s hand; or 100
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that it refers to inheritance, or to diyah (blood money), or to Prophethood.” Al-Baydaawi said in his Tafseer (2/184): “ ‘Men are the protectors and maintainers of women’ means that they are in charge of them and take care of them. He gave two reasons for that, one that is inherent in them and one that is acquired subsequently, and said: ‘because Allaah has made one of them to excel the other’, because Allaah has favoured men over women by making men more perfect in reasoning and running affairs, and has given them more strength with regard to work and acts of worship. Hence men are singled out when it comes to Prophethood, leadership, guardianship, establishing rituals, giving testimony in legal matters, the obligation to engage in jihad and pray Jumu’ah, and so on, and they are given a greater share of inheritance, and divorce is in the man’s hand. ‘and because they spend (to support them) from their means’ refers to what they spend with regard to marriage, such as the mahr and maintenance, etc.” End quote. In conclusion, men have been given the role of protectors and maintainers for the two reasons mentioned in the verse, one of which is inherent i.e., Allaah has made men superior to women, and the other of which is acquired by the man through his own hard work, which his spending his wealth on his wife. And Allaah knows best. Islam Q&A (www.islam-qa.com) Question Reference Number:: 43123 Title: Obeying one’s husband comes before obeying one’s parents and siblings Question: how important is a husband to his wife, are her sisters 101
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more important than husband, who should she listen to, how up on the importance ladder does husband comes. is husband more important than her own parents and sisters. Answer: Praise be to Allaah. The Qur’aan and Sunnah indicate that the husband has a confirmed right over his wife, and that she is commanded to obey him, treat him well and put obedience to him above obedience to her parents and brothers. Indeed, he is her paradise and her hell. For example, Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning): “Men are the protectors and maintainers of women, because Allaah has made one of them to excel the other, and because they spend (to support them) from their means” [al-Nisa’ 4:34] And the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “It is not permissible for a woman to fast when her husband is present except with his permission, or to allow anyone in his house without his permission.” Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 4899. Al-Albaani (may Allaah have mercy on him) said, commenting on this hadeeth: Since it is obligatory for a woman to obey her husband with regard to his satisfying his desire, it is more appropriate that it be obligatory for her to obey him in that which is more important than that, namely raising their children, guiding the family, and other rights and duties. From Adaab al-Zafaaf, p. 282 Ibn Hibbaan narrated that Abu Hurayrah said: The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “If a 102
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woman prays her five (daily prayers), fasts her month (Ramadaan), guards her chastity and obeys her husband, it will be said to her: ‘Enter Paradise from whichever of the gates of Paradise you wish.’” Classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in Saheeh al-Jaami’, no. 660. Ibn Maajah (1853) narrated that ‘Abd-Allaah ibn Abi Awfa said: When Mu’aadh came from Syria, he prostrated to the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) who said, “What is this, O Mu’aadh?” He said, I went to Syria and saw them prostrating to their archbishops and patriarchs, and I wanted to do that for you. The Messenger of Allaah (S) said, “Do not do that. If I were to command anyone to prostrate to anyone other than Allaah, I would have commanded women to prostrate to their husbands. By the One in Whose hand is the soul of Muhammad, no woman can fulfil her duty towards Allaah until she fulfils her duty towards her husband. If he asks her (for intimacy) even if she is on her camel saddle, she should not refuse.” Classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in Saheeh Ibn Maajah. Ahmad (19025) and al-Haakim narrated from al-Husayn ibn Muhsin that his paternal aunt came to the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) for something and he dealt with her need, then the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Do you have a husband?” She said, “Yes.” He said: “How are you with him?” She said, “I do not neglect any of his rights except those I am unable to fulfil.” He said: “Look at how you are with him, for he is your paradise and your hell” – i.e., he is the cause of you entering Paradise if you fulfil his rights and the cause of your entering Hell if you fall short in that. Al-Mundhiri classed the isnaad of this hadeeth as jayyid in al-Targheeb wa’l-Tarheeb; it was classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in Saheeh al-Targheeb wa’l-Tarheeb, no. 1933. 103
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If there is a conflict between obedience to one’s husband and obedience to one’s parents, then obedience to one’s husband takes priority. Imam Ahmad (may Allaah have mercy on him) said concerning a woman who has a husband and a sick mother: Obeying her husband is more obligatory upon her than (taking care of) her mother, unless he gives her permission. (Sharh Muntaha alIraadaat, 3/47). In al-Insaaf (8/362) it says: She does not have to obey her parents with regard to leaving her husband or visiting etc., rather obedience to the husband takes priority. There is a hadeeth concerning this issue which was narrated by al-Haakim from ‘Aa’ishah (may Allaah be pleased with her) who said: I asked the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him), “Who has the most right over a woman?” He said: “Her husband.” I said, “Who has the most right over a man?” He said, “His mother.” But this is a weak (da’eef) hadeeth, which was classed as such by al-Albaani in Da’eef al-Targheeb wa’l-Tarheeb, 1212, and he criticized al-Mundhiri for classing it as hasan. And Allaah knows best. Islam Q&A (www.islam-qa.com) Question Reference Number:: 45597 Title: Speaking during intercourse to provoke desire Question: Is it permissible to say inappropriate words (i.e., words that are not permissible) during intercourse in order to provoke desire in one’s wife?. 104
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Answer: Praise be to Allaah. It is permissible for both husband and wife to say whatever they want to provoke desire during intercourse, and that does not have to be something that was narrated in the Sunnah, but it is not permissible to say anything that is forbidding in Islam, such as lies or slanderous words. But with regard to mentioning the genitals by their colloquial names or other things that provoke desire in word or deed, the basic principle is that it is permissible. Some of the scholars are of the view that this is makrooh, and they regarded it as contrary to proper etiquette. But the correct view is that it is permissible. Even if we accept that it is makrooh, then that ruling may be lifted when there is the least need for it, and the need her is obvious. If it is permissible for the husband to touch his wife’s private part, look at it and enjoy it, then it is more appropriate that he is permitted to call it by a name that will provoke his wife; and the converse is also permitted. See also the answer to question no. 13621 And Allaah knows best. Islam Q&A (www.islam-qa.com) Question Reference Number:: 45600 Title: Her husband only gives her maintenance, and he lives far away from her. Can she ask for a divorce? Question: Peace be upon you, and the mercy of Allaah, I have been divorced (with talaaq) two times. The first
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time was because I asked my husband to give me and my children just one day each month when we could sit together, against his wishes and those of his family. The second time was because he loves another woman and he humiliates me in front of my children, and he shows favour to her and does not care about my feelings or the feelings of my children. He tells her that he loves her on the phone, where I can see and hear him, even though he is not married to her. Now he had traveled and left me alone with our children, and he has no connection with us apart from some money which he sends via his family. If I get divorced, will Allaah compensate me with something better and make me independent of means by His bounty, and will He compensate me for the wrongs that have been done to me by this hard-hearted man? Or will that mean that I am not content with the decree of Allaah? Do I have the right to have a husband with whom I can live in love, mercy and tranquility, or do I have to put up with living a life of humiliation, me and my children, for the sake of this monthly allowance that he sends via his family in order to humiliate me even further? Am I regarded as patient or as weak and broken because I have put up with this life for 11 years for fear of the word of divorce?. Answer: Praise be to Allaah. Firstly: Allaah has permitted a man to have several wives, and has forbidden men to mistreat their wives. If a man wants to have more than one wife, then he can keep the first wife on a decent and reasonable basis, or he can let her go in a kindly manner. It is not permissible for him to keep her married to him whilst forsaking her and not giving her her rights. It is not permissible for him to be 106
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negligent with regard to his family and the upbringing of his children. Plural marriage has not been prescribed in order to destroy families, rather it is prescribed to build families and increase their numbers. This forsaking of his wife and negligence is haraam for him, even if he had another wife according to sharee’ah, so how about if he is forsaking his wife and neglecting his family for an illegitimate reason such as a haraam relationship and corrupt desires? Secondly: The wife has the right to ask for a divorce from her husband if she cannot bear his bad treatment. This does not mean that she does not accept the decree of Allaah. Indeed in some cases it may be haraam for her to stay with a husband who commits major sins and whose children are not safe from his evil influence and bad treatment. As divorce is allowed in Islam and it may even be obligatory to ask for a divorce in some cases, there is no need to think that this may go against belief in the divine will and decree, because Allaah has decreed both marriage and divorce. The wife has the right to live with her husband and be treated in a decent and reasonable manner, and to have a husband with whom she can feel happy and who will be like a garment for her, so that there will be love and compassion between them. This is the reason for which marriage was prescribed, and if anything detracts from what we have mentioned, then it is contrary to the reason for which marriage was prescribed. Hence the husband should choose a woman who is religiously-committed, and fathers and guardians should marry their daughters and female relatives under their care to men who are religiously-committed and of good 107
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character, because if the Muslim household is established on the basis of the laws of Allaah, no wrongdoing or cruelty will be seen in it. If a wife dislikes her husband for a legitimate shar’i reason, then she can ask for divorce (talaaq) or can divorce him by khula’, and if he dislikes her he can divorce her by talaaq and give her her rights in full. He should either retain her on reasonable terms or release her with kindness. If divorce takes place, then Allaah may decree that she finds a good, righteous husband, as He says (interpretation of the meaning): “But if they separate (by divorce), Allaah will provide abundance for everyone of them from His Bounty” [alNisa’ 4:130] Thirdly: Some woman stay and put up with their husbands because of the possibility that Allaah may reform them, or so that he will remain in contact with his children and take care of them and spend on them. If a long time goes by and he does not reform or he mistreats his wife and children too much, and she has sufficient money to spend on herself and her children, then there is no point in her staying with him. Rather the right thing to do is to rid herself of him so that she can live a better and more decent life, and raise her children to obey Allaah and His Messenger (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him). You should take stock of yourself and repent to Allaah for any sins or transgressions that you may have committed against the rights of Allaah or the rights of your husband, or anyone else. Perhaps what has happened to you may be a punishment for a sin that you have committed, because Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning): 108
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“And whatever of misfortune befalls you, it is because of what your hands have earned. And He pardons much” [al-Shoora 42:30] Think long and hard about your situation and how likely it is that you may find a husband after him or live a peaceful life without him. Consult people around you who are close to you and are sincere. I advise you, if they agree with you, to divorce him if the situation is as you describe in your question. So pray istikhaarah and ask Allaah for guidance, and if you feel at ease with the idea of divorce then go ahead, and ask Allaah to make you independent of means by His bounty. We ask Allaah to set your affairs straight and to relieve your distress and reconcile between you if that is better for you both. And Allaah knows best. Islam Q&A (www.islam-qa.com) Question Reference Number:: 44971 Title: Repulsive forms of pleasure Question: My question is: is it permissible for the husband to put his finger in his wife’s anus and move it as if in intercourse? I am asking because my husband asked this question of the imam of the mosque and he said that it is permissible for him to do that. Hence I am asking the scholars in order to be sure. May Allaah reward you with good. Answer: Praise be to Allaah. 109
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It is permissible for a man to enjoy his wife in whatever way he wants, so long as he avoids having intercourse at the time of her period and anal intercourse, because of the report narrated by Muslim (302) from Anas: that that when a woman among them menstruated, the Jews would not eat with her or sit with her in their houses. So the companions of the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) asked the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) about that, and Allaah revealed the words (interpretation of the meaning): “They ask you concerning menstruation. Say: that is an Adha (a harmful thing for a husband to have a sexual intercourse with his wife while she is having her menses), therefore, keep away from women during menses” [al-Baqarah 2:222] The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Do everything except intercourse.” News of that reached the Jews and they said: “This man does not want to leave any of our affairs without differing from it.” Al-Tirmidhi (135), Abu Dawood (3904) and Ibn Maajah (639) narrated from Abu Hurayrah that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Whoever has intercourse with a menstruating woman or with a woman in her back passage, or comes to a soothsayer, has disbelieved in that which was revealed to Muhammad (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him).” Classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in Saheeh al-Tirmidhi. Ahmad (9731) and Abu Dawood (2162) narrated that Abu Hurayrah said: The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Cursed be the one who has intercourse with his wife in her back passage.” This hadeeth was classed as hasan by Shu’ayb 110
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al-Arna’oot in Tahqeeq al-Musnad and by al-Albaani in Saheeh Abi Dawood. With regard to putting one’s finger in the anus, the least that can be said is that it is makrooh, because it involves direct contact with impure matter (najaasah) and filth, and because it may lead one to do that which is obviously haraam, namely intercourse in the back passage. The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Whoever is cautious in the dubious matters will save his religious commitment and his honour, but whoever falls into dubious matters will fall into haraam, like a shepherd who grazes his flocks around a private pasture and is liable to enter it at any moment.” Narrated by alBukhaari, 52; Muslim, 1599. The above view that it is makrooh is supported by the fact that the scholars explained the reason why anal intercourse is forbidden is the presence of filth. Ibn Qudaamah said: Because the Sunnah refers to the prohibition on anal intercourse, therefore it is forbidden. And it is forbidden because of the impurity, and that applies only to intercourse in the back passage. AlMughni, 7/226. This undoubtedly also applies to inserting the finger into the anus. What Allaah has permitted concerning which there is no doubt is sufficient. See also question no. 40520. And Allaah knows best. Islam Q&A (www.islam-qa.com) 111
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Question Reference Number:: 12529 Title: Is it permissible to engage in coitus interruptus or to use a condom? Question: On the first night after getting married, can one use contraception ( e.g condom ) or should this not be allowed. This is because it may be possible (by the will of Allah) for my future wife to get pregnant, but we may not choose to have children so early in our marriage.Please advise. Answer: Praise be to Allaah. It is permissible to engage in coitus interruptus if a person does not want a child, and it is also permissible to use a condom, but that is subject to the condition that the wife gives her permission for that, because she has the right to full enjoyment and also to have a child. The evidence for that is the hadeeth of Jaabir ibn ‘Abd-Allaah (may Allaah be pleased with him) who said: We used to engage in coitus interruptus at the time of the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him). News of that reached the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him), and he did not forbid us to do that. Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 250; Muslim, 160 Although that is permitted, it is nevertheless makrooh and intensely disliked. Muslim (1442) narrated that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) was asked about coitus interruptus and he said: “That is the secret burying alive of infants.” This indicates that it is strongly disliked. Al-Nawawi said: 112
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Coitus interruptus means intercourse in which, when ejaculation approaches, the man withdraws and ejaculates outside the vagina. It is makrooh in our view in all circumstances and with all women, whether the woman consents to that or not, because it is a means of preventing offspring. Hence in the hadeeth it is called “the secret burying alive of children,” because it cuts off the means of producing offspring, like killing a newborn by burying him or her alive. With regard to it being haraam, our companions said that it was not forbidden… These ahaadeeth and others, when taken in conjunction, may be understood as meaning that it is makrooh, but not strongly so, and the reports in which permission is given for that may be understood as meaning that it is not haraam; they do not mean that it is not makrooh. It is better for the Muslim not to do that, unless there is a need for it, such as if the woman is sick and cannot cope with a pregnancy or it would be too difficult for her or would cause her harm. Also, coitus interruptus cancels out one of the purposes of marriage, which is to have a lot of children, and it also means that the woman’s pleasure is incomplete. See also question no. 3767 .Islam Q&A (www.islam-qa.com) Question Reference Number:: 40520 Title: Inserting fingers into the back passage Question: Is it permissible for a man to engage in foreplay with his wife by inserting his fingers into her back passage?. Answer: Praise be to Allaah. It is permissible for each spouse to enjoy the entire body of the other, looking and touching, 113
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even the private part. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning): “They are Libaas [i.e. body-cover, or screen, or Sakan (i.e. you enjoy the pleasure of living with them)] for you and you are the same for them” [al-Baqarah 2:187] With regard to the husband engaging in foreplay with his wife in this manner, this may mean one of two things: Either touching the anal sphincter, or by inserting his finger into the anus. With regard to simply touching the anal sphincter, there is nothing wrong with that, but it is better to avoid doing that because that may lead to something else. With regard to inserting the finger into the anus, this should not be done, for several reasons: 1 – The anus is the site of uncleanliness (najaasah) and faeces. 2 – One of the reasons why anal intercourse is forbidden is so that the penis will not come into contact with unclean faecal matter; by the same token inserting the finger into the anus will make it come into unnecessary direct contact with unclean faecal matter. 3 – This action is something that is abhorrent to the sound fitrah (innate nature of man) and offends good taste. Rather it is blind imitation of those whose fitrah is corrupt and whose tastes are nasty, who do everything that they think of to satisfy their animalistic desires with no care for good manners, morals or cleanliness, and their desires make them see something foul as something good. 4 – Persisting in doing that may lead a person to do that 114
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which is worse than that, namely anal intercourse. This is the habit of those who follow their desires and do whatever appeals to them, so they gradually fall into more serious things because of the less serious things that they are attracted to. Thus they move step by step until they end up committing “lesser sodomy” (intercourse with a woman in her back passage). The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) described that by means of a brilliant analogy when he said: “What is permissible is clear and what is forbidden is clear, and between them are dubious matters of which many people are not aware. Whoever is cautious in the dubious matters will save his religious commitment and his honour, but whoever falls into dubious matters will fall into haraam, like a shepherd who grazes his flocks around a private pasture and is liable to enter it at any moment. Every king has a sanctuary, and the sanctuary of Allaah is the things that He has forbidden. In the body there is a piece of flesh which, if it is sound, the entire body will be sound, and if it is corrupt, the entire body will be corrupt. It is the heart.” Muslim, 4049. 5 – What Allaah has prescribed in the relationship between husband and wife is sufficient and there is no need for anything else. Allaah has not forbidden anything except that which is harmful. The questioner should realize that in His complete wisdom, when Allaah forbids something (in this case, intercourse in the back passage), He also forbids the things that lead to it, because when a person does the things that lead to a haraam action, his heart becomes attached to it and finds himself torn between either doing the evil action or keeping away from it, and suffering because of that. So he does not keep away from haraam in such a way that he has peace of mind, nor does he fall into it and fulfil the desires of his evil nafs. Usually in such cases a 115
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person ends up doing what he thought that he would never do of major sins that doom a person to Hell and ruin all his affairs, both religious and worldly, and ruin his life and take away all blessings (barakah) from his wealth and children, as a result of his moving far away from his Lord and transgressing His sacred limits and not caring about the fact that Allaah is watching him in all his affairs. The wise man is the one who does not take lightly those things that lead to disaster in his religious commitment which is the capital of his wealth and comes before his worldly interests. The Muslim should understand the true nature of things and what they lead to. He should not be affected by what the Shaytaan makes attractive to him or think of evil actions as insignificant, lest that cause him to become one of the losers. He has to fear Allaah his Lord in secret and in public, and remember that Allaah can see him and knows his intentions and what he does, as He says (interpretation of the meaning): “Allaah knows the fraud of the eyes, and all that the breasts conceal” [Ghaafir 40:19] He should remember that what is with Allaah is better and more lasting, and that the Hereafter and the delights that it contains is better for him than this world, and that the reward for being patient in refraining from evil actions is Paradise as wide as the heavens and the earth, in which is whatever the heart could desire of perfect pleasures that are free of all evils. See also question no. 36722. May Allaah send blessings and peace upon our Prophet Muhammad. Islam Q&A (www.islam-qa.com) 116
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Question Reference Number:: 44997 Title: Her family took her away without her husband’s permission Question: I have a brother who has been married for several years, and he has a son and a daughter. He often has arguments with his wife, then they make up. The most recent incident was when she started to cursing her parents-in-law, then she went even further and hit her husband. Then she told her family, and they came and took her away without her husband’s permission. There is a lot of immorality and lack of religious commitment, the extent of which Allaah only knows. We have tried to advise them on many occasions but without success. I hope that you can help us and tell us to which department we may refer this matter, so that we can put an end to it. Answer: Praise be to Allaah. Firstly: It is not permissible for a woman to go out of her husband’s house without permission, rather many of the scholars regarded this as nushooz (defiance) and going against the husband, if there is no excuse for doing that, such as if her husband is harming her in a manner that she cannot ward off and so on. Moreover, if the wife is withholding herself from her husband, he is no longer obliged to spend on her because of her defiance, as the fuqaha’ have stated. See al-Mughni, 8/182.
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Secondly: What your brother should do is to handle the situation wisely and carefully in order to bring his wife back home. He should remind her of Allaah, and remind her family of Him; if he cannot do that himself, then he should enlist the help of some relatives who have knowledge, experience and wisdom, and get them involved so that they can solve the issue. He should exercise deliberation and not be hasty in taking decisions, for “Deliberation is from Allaah and haste is from the Shaytaan,” as the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said. (Classed as saheeh by alAlbaani in al-Silsilah al-Saheehah, 1895). A man may make a decision at the time of anger, then regret it, but at a time when regret will be to no avail. He should also adopt an attitude of patience, put up with his wife and try to put an end to the disputes between them that have gone on for years and years. Let him start a new life with her, forgetting the past and its arguments. Thirdly: No one is perfect, so he should accept her good points and overlook her bad points, and try to change her in a wise and calm manner. The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “No believing man should hate a believing woman, for if he dislikes one of her characteristics, he will be pleased with another.” Al-Nawawi said: This means that he should not hate her, because if he sees in her a characteristic that he dislikes, he will find another that is pleasing; she may be bad-tempered but at the same time religiously-committed, or beautiful, or chaste, or kind to him, and so on. End quote. 118
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This is how all people are; they have good qualities and bad qualities. The wise man is the one who strikes the right balance between good and bad, accepting the good things and overlooking the bad, whilst also trying to correct them. Fourthly: If the husband does all that but the woman still does not change, then he may refer to the shar’i courts to resolve this dispute. And Allaah is the One Whom we ask to set the affairs of all the Muslims straight. And Allaah knows best. Islam Q&A (www.islam-qa.com) Question Reference Number:: 46665 Title: He wants to give his wife a gift on the anniversary of their marriage each year Question: Is it permissible for me to give a gift to my wife on the anniversary of our wedding each year?. Answer: Praise be to Allaah. If the husband wants to give his wife a gift, he should give it at any time or on any appropriate occasion or when there is a reason for doing so. He should not wait for the anniversary of their wedding to give her a gift, because that implies that he is taking this day as an “Eid” (an 119
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occasion that is celebrated regularly), and there are no annual Eids for the Muslims except Eid al-Fitr and Eid al-Adha. These occasions – wedding anniversaries – came to the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) and his companions, and the salaf (early generations) of this ummah and its imams, but there is no report that they used to give gifts to their wives on these days. And all goodness is to be found in following them. Shaykh Ibn ‘Uthaymeen (may Allaah have mercy on him) was asked: is it permissible for the husband to give a gift to his wife on their wedding anniversary each year, as a renewal of the love between them, noting that this anniversary will be marked only by the giving of this gift and that the couple are not going to celebrate this occasion? He said: What I think is that this should not be done, because this year it may be just a gift, but next year it may become a celebration. Moreover, marking this occasion with a gift is regarded as making it an ‘Eid’, because the Eid is that which is repeated. Love does not need to be renewed every year, rather it should be renewed all the time, every time the woman sees something of her husband that makes her happy, and every time the man sees something of his wife that makes him happy, then the love between them will be renewed. Fataawa al-‘Ulama’ fi ‘Ushrat al-Nisa’, p. 162. Islam Q&A (www.islam-qa.com) Question Reference Number:: 34701 Title: The obligation to treat co-wives fairly in giving gifts Question: I have two wives, and I want to buy some gold for one of 120
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them as a gift. Is it permissible for me to do that, or would this be unfair treatment of co-wives? Please note that I do not fall short in giving the other wife her rights. Answer: Praise be to Allaah. Whoever has two or more wives has to treat them fairly. It is not permissible for him to single out one of his wives with regard to spending, accommodation or spending the night, to the exclusion of the others. There is a stern warning issued to the one who has two wives and does not treat them fairly. It was narrated that Abu Hurayrah (may Allaah be pleased with him) said: The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Whoever has two wives and inclines more towards one of them than the other, will come on the Day of Resurrection with half of his body falling.” According to another version: “Dragging half of his body which will be falling or leaning.” Narrated by Imam Ahmad in alMusnad, 2/295, 347, 471. A similar hadeeth was also narrated by al-Nasaa’i and Ibn Maajah in their Sunans. And it was narrated from Abu Hurayrah (may Allaah be pleased with him) that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Whoever has two wives and inclines more towards one of them, will come on the Day of Resurrection with half of his body leaning.” Narrated by Abu Dawood in his Sunan, 2/601. Al-Tirmidhi narrated something similar in al-Jaami’. This evidence indicates that it is obligatory to treat cowives fairly and equally, and that it is haraam for the husband to incline more to one of them in a way that will hurt the other. This does not include the inclination of the heart, for a person has no control over the inclination of 121
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the heart. Hence the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) used to divide his time equally among his wives, and he said: “O Allaah, this is my division of that which I can control, so do not take me to task for that over which You have control and I have no control” [meaning love in the heart]. Based on this, it is not permissible for this husband to single out one of his wives with regard to something over which he has control. If he gives a house etc to one of his wives, he must treat all his wives equally in that regard, and give a similar gift or something of equal value to all of them, unless the second wife allows that. Fataawa al-Lajnah al-Daa’imah (16/189). (www.islam-qa.com) Question Reference Number:: 21532 Title: Can a wife call her husband by his name? Question: If a wife is allowed to call her husband by his name. Answer: Praise be to Allaah. There is nothing wrong with a woman calling her husband by his name, because there is no evidence to indicate that that is not allowed. But people’s customs and traditions should be taken into account in this matter. If the custom in some land is that a woman should call her husband by his kunya (Abu So and so) for example, and they think that calling him by his name is ill-mannered, or if the 122
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husband does not like to be called by his name, then the women should pay attention to that, because she is required to treat her husband well and it is not good treatment to call him in a manner that he dislikes or that is regarded by people as not good. Each spouse should address the other by the name that he or she likes best, because that brings about love and affection. Al-Manaawi said in Fayd al-Qadeer: The etiquette of companionship: This includes: Keeping secrets; concealing faults; not telling him about the bad things that people say about him; telling him about good things that people say about him which will make him happy; listening attentively when he is speaking; avoiding arguments; calling him by the name that he likes best; praising him for his best obvious characteristics; thanking him for favours that he does; defending him in his absence; helping him when he needs help without waiting for him to ask; advising him in a gentle and indirect manner – if he there is a need for that; forgiving him for his mistakes; not criticizing him; praying for him in private when he is alive and after he dies; expressing joy at things that make him happy and sorrow at things that make him sad; greeting him first when meeting him; making room for him in a gathering; offering your place to him; seeing him out when he leaves; listening attentively when he speaks until he has finished speaking; and in general treating him as one would like to be treated. And Allaah knows best. Islam Q&A (www.islam-qa.com)
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Question Reference Number:: 32725 Title: She is complaining about her husband’s attachment to the Society for the Promotion of Virtue Question: I am a girl who is married to a religiously committed young man, and I am happy with him, praise be to Allaah. He works with some men from the Society for the Promotion of Virtue and the Prevention of Vice. I know that his working with them is regarded as an honour for me and Allaah knows that I am happy when he is able to change some evils. But my problem with him is that he is so strongly attached to them. For example, when we go out for a walk, if he sees something bad he follows it until he can contact some men from the Society and they come. If I argue with him about it, he thinks that I do not want to put an end to evil! Allaah knows that that is not true, but I want him to take it easy. Also, what bothers me about this matter is that he speaks to women a lot, and this makes me crazy and makes me jealous when he says that this one was dressed like this and that one looked like that. Tell me what I should do, may Allaah reward you with good. Answer: Praise be to Allaah. Firstly we congratulate you on your good attitude of being pleased with what your husband does, which is the work of the Prophets themselves (peace be upon them), namely enjoining what is good and forbidding what is evil, and calling people to Allaah. 124
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We advise you to stand by your husband’s side and encourage him in this work, and not to have any doubts about him or to feel fed up with what he does. With regard to what he tells you about women, it seems that he is telling you because he trusts you, and is not telling you in order to upset you, or to express his admiration for them. Rather he is telling you that in order to inform you of some of the evil actions that people do, so that you can beware of them, or so as to get it off his chest. When some people see evil actions, it affects them deeply, and they need someone to talk to about it so as to get it off their chests. So you should be aware of that and not let the Shaytaan get to you with regard to this matter. There is no reason why you should not advise him with regard to the things in which he is falling short towards you, so long as that is done in the way that is better and without casting aspersions on his decency and morals. Our advice to the husband is to give his family their rights, and to treat them in a reasonable manner. He should respect their feelings and not describe women to his wife; just as a man would not like his wife to describe men to him, so too a woman does not like her husband to describe women to her. He should avoid speaking too much to women, and restrict it only to what is needed in order to change the evil or to draw attention to it, etc, because being too careless and lax about that may lead to bad consequences. And he should strive to lower his gaze, because looking is one of the arrows of Iblees. May Allaah help you both to do that which He loves and which pleases Him. And Allaah knows best. Islam Q&A (www.islam-qa.com) 125
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Question Reference Number:: 33862 Title: How to treat a wife from among the People of the Book Question: The ayah in surah maida about not taking the jews and christians as awliya does this mean friends or protectors because some people say it means just helpers but in the englishtranslate this to mean friends if it does mean friends how do befriend are non-muslim wife or treat her accordingto shariah. Answer: Praise be to Allaah. Interacting with Jews, Christians and all other kuffaar is subject to guidelines and regulations that are set out in Islamic sharee’ah. These guidelines include the following: Firstly: It is permissible to speak with the kaafirs and to discuss permissible matters with him. Secondly: It is not permissible to take the kuffaar as close friends (awliya’). Taking them as close friends may happen in many ways, such as mixing with them, feeling comfortable with them, living with them, taking them as close friends, loving them, preferring them over the believers, and so on. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning): “You (O Muhammad) will not find any people who believe 126
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in Allaah and the Last Day, making friendship with those who oppose Allaah and His Messenger (Muhammad), even though they were their fathers or their sons or their brothers or their kindred (people)” [al-Mujaadilah 58:22] Thirdly: It is permissible to interact with the kuffaar to buy, sell, lend and so on. It was narrated in saheeh reports that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) borrowed a weapon from Safwaan ibn Umayyah, and that he bought food from the Jews. With regard to how to treat a wife from among the people of the Book (i.e., a Jewish or Christian woman), Allaah says in His Book (interpretation of the meaning): “Allaah does not forbid you to deal justly and kindly with those who fought not against you on account of religion nor drove you out of your homes. Verily, Allaah loves those who deal with equity” [al-Mumtahanah 60:8] So it is permissible to treat a Jewish or Christian wife justly and kindly, and there is nothing wrong with that; it does not come under the heading of the type of close friendship and strong bonds that is forbidden. Al-Kaasaani said in Badaa’i al-Sanaa’i’ (2/270): It is not permissible for a Muslim to marry a mushrik woman, because Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning): “And do not marry Al-Mushrikaat (idolatresses) till they believe (worship Allaah Alone)” [al-Baqarah 2:221]
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But it is permissible to marry a woman from among the people of the Book, because Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning): “(Lawful to you in marriage) are chaste women from the believers and chaste women from those who were given the Scripture (Jews and Christians) before your time” [al-Maa’idah 5:5] The difference is that the basic principle is that a Muslim is not permitted to marry a kaafir, because marrying a kaafir woman and mixing with her at the same time when there is religious animosity will not produce the tranquility and love which are the basic purpose of marriage, but it is permitted to marry a woman from among the People of the Book in the hope that she will become Muslim, because she believes in the Books of the Prophets and Messengers in general, but she does not believe in a comprehensive and correct manner, because what she was taught is different from what is real. It is likely that when the facts are pointed out to her, she will accept them. So her husband should call her to Islam and tell her how things really are. So when a Muslim marries such a woman there is the hope that she will become Muslim, so it is permissible to marry them for this purpose. This is unlike the case of a mushrik woman, because by choosing to associate others in worship with Allaah and not to believe in the Prophets and Messengers, this indicates that she does not pay any attention to proof and evidence and will not respond to da’wah, and will rather continue to follow the way of her forefathers and to follow her whims and desires. So there will remain that religious animosity which will not produce the tranquility and love which are the basic purpose of marriage, so it is not permissible to marry such a woman. And he said in Haashiyat al-‘Adawi (1/273): 128
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The phrase “we forsake those who disbelieve in You” means we cast aside any positive feelings towards those who worship anyone other than You, and we will not love his way or feel any inclination towards it. But this does mean that we are not allowed to marry a woman from among the people of the Book, because marrying her may attract her to the religion of Islam, as marriage is a type of interacting with others and what is meant here is to hate the way of kufr. For more information please see questions no. 34559, 11793, 10342, 26721, 23325. Islam Q&A (www.islam-qa.com) Question Reference Number:: 41086 Title: She is sick and her husband is forcing her to go to work Question: I have a problem, I hope you could answer it quickly. Do I have to obey my husband? I´m working muslim. I have been now sick over almost 2 weeks. I have been in doctor, who give me medicine and sick leave from work. Now my husband wants me to go back to work, even I´m still sick. This is a big problem to me. This happens always when I get sick. My husband thinks that I´m only playing sick, because he thinks that I don´t wanna work. I like my work and I´m not playing any games. How can I prove to my husband that I´m really sick. He does not believe me. Answer: Praise be to Allaah. 129
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Firstly: It should be pointed out that a woman’s work may be haraam, if it involves mixing with men or selling or making things that are haraam, or working in a bank, and so on. If that is the case, then the woman should give up this work and look for a permissible job. Her husband is obliged to spend on her on a reasonable basis, according to what he can afford. See question no. 33710. Secondly: If her work is permissible, and she falls sick and going to work is too difficult for her, or will delay her recovery or make her sicker, then the husband must pay attention to that. It is not permissible for him to demand that his wife do something that will cause her harm. The husband must treat his wife in a kind and reasonable manner. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning): “and live with them honourably” [al-Nisa’ 4:19] It is not reasonable or honourable to demand that the wife go to work when she is sick. The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) enjoined the men of his ummah to treat women well: “(I urge you) to treat women well.” (Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 3331; Muslim, 1468. What this hadeeth means is: accept this advice and follow it: treat them kindly and live with them honourably. Fath al-Baari.
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The husband should not doubt his wife’s sincerity; his life with her should be based on trust and honesty, not suspicion and doubt. If the husband is not convinced by the medical reports which prove that his wife is sick, and he is not convinced by the signs of sickness that he sees in her, then he will never be convinced by anything. So the wife should try (to convince him) in a gentle manner and treat him in a way that is better; may Allaah guide him to that which is best for his family. And Allaah knows best. Islam Q&A (www.islam-qa.com) Question Reference Number:: 14511 Title: Husband refusing to tell his wife how much he owns Question: Can a husband refuse to disclose his earnings and bank details to his wife ?. Answer: Praise be to Allaah. A man is not obliged to tell his wife what he has in the bank, just as she is not obliged to tell him what she owns of her own personal wealth. But the loving relationship that should exist between husband and wife implies that they should be easy-going in this matter, and that each should let the other know what he or she has, and they should cooperate in 131
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organizing their finances and spending in ways that please Allaah. And Allaah knows best. Islam Q&A (www.islam-qa.com) Question Reference Number:: 40278 Title: He consummated the marriage with her and found that she was not a virgin even though she has never committed any immoral action Question: I am a Muslim woman, and I fear Allaah in all my deeds. I got married – praise be to Allaah – to a man who is good in all ways; he treats me well and I treat him well, our relationship was excellent in all ways, love, respect, harmony and love for one another’s families. But then things started to go wrong. These days my husband and I found out that I was not a virgin, but I am certain that I am innocent because no one ever touched me before him. Answer: Praise be to Allaah. If your husband is wise and religiously committed, and he trusts you a great deal, then what he should do is to believe you when you say that you are innocent of any wrongdoing, especially since the breaking of the hymen may be caused by many things, not necessarily by committing the sin of fornication. This is if we accept what you have discovered about your not being a virgin. It may be that intercourse has taken 132
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place between you but the hymen was not broken, and so there was no bleeding, because of the nature of the hymen. It may be that the hymen is flexible and cannot be broken by intercourse, and requires medical intervention, as is well known to the experts in this field. The hymen is simply a physical sign which cannot be considered proof of whether the woman is a virgin or not or whether she has committed an immoral act or not. Hence we find that in court, usually the absence of the hymen is not regarded as grounds for making accusations against the woman, because it may be broken for many reasons. So the fact that the hymen is present is not a positive indication that a woman is a virgin, and its absence is not a positive sign of the opposite. We advise you to refer to a female doctor to make the matter clear, because there may be many reasons why the hymen is broken. We hope that your husband will understand this matter and will not be hasty in judging you. You should be aware that one of the aims of the Shaytaan is to cause division between husbands and wives, because of the great evil that results from that affecting families and individuals, as we see in the hadeeth of Jaabir who said: The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: ‘Iblees placed his throne on water then he sends out his emissaries, and the closest of them to him in status is the one who causes the most fitnah (tribulation). One of them comes and says, ‘I did such and such,’ and he says, ‘You have not done much.’ Then another of them comes and says, ‘I did not leave him alone until I caused division between him and his wife,’ and he draws him close to him and says, ‘How good you are.’” Muslim, 5023. 133
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So he should close this door to the Shaytaan and avoid thinking about this matter, so long as this matter is not definitive and you are certain that nothing bad happened. We ask Allaah to guide him and to reconcile between you. And Allaah is the Source of strength. Islam Q&A (www.islam-qa.com) Question Reference Number:: 20961 Title: Hesitation of a Christian woman who wants to become Muslim, and she is asking about her relationship with her family Question: I am a christian woman. i am in love with a man who is muslim i want to marry him on any cost he guided me towords Islam and i have seen the scientific proofs of islam now my situation is i am neutral i am not christian and even not muslim...i really want to embrace islam i am really trying very hard. Infact my belief on christianity was very strong whcih has almost gone, also my family allowed me do whatever can make you happy Inshallah soon i will embrace Islam but i am worry about i can’t get the peace and satisfaction of what i am going to do...if i embrace Islam without peace and satisfaction it seems like i am just becoming muslim to marry the Man i love whcih i don’t want to do...i want to become muslim for Allah..what should i do i am very confuse and praying to allah to show me the right path..even i have choosen my name Emaan. kindly guide me that what should i do if i embrace Islam without peace and satisfaction will it be ok... rest of the things i will leave on Allah to guide for the right things..?
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my second question is when i will become muslim will be still able to meet my non-muslim family..infact i was reading somewhere in islamic site..that if husband ristrict his wife not to visit the places and not to do the things which he doesn’t like...a wife must obey her husband and not to annoy him... I Love my family very very much and they love me heaps too thats why they are not risisting in my way to become muslim..but i don’t want to leave them and also they don’t want to leave me too.. kindly guide me if i could meet my family..and celebrate the special days whith them and i would be able to exchande the gifts on special days like christmas..?. Answer: Praise be to Allaah. Firstly: Hesitation about entering Islam is not something expected from a woman like you who can write in such an eloquent manner and has reason and wisdom with which to know right from wrong, rather you should be guiding others who are confused and lost. You should realize that the Shaytaan is the one who is preventing you from making a firm decision to enter Islam; he is the one who is making you think that your entering Islam is not because of your own conviction and that you will never have peace of mind, and other thoughts that he is putting into your heart and mind, and making you hesitate to make the decision that will bring you happiness in this world and in the Hereafter. Your becoming Muslim will be for the sake of Allaah, and the Muslim man is only the means that led to that. There is no shame on a man who becomes Muslim 135
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because of a woman who advises him sincerely and guides him, and there is no shame on a woman who becomes Muslim because of a man who advises her sincerely and guides her. There follows the unique story of a woman in Islam. She is one of the rare examples of this ummah (nation); think long and hard about her story: It was narrated that Anas ibn Maalik said: Abu Talhah proposed marriage to Umm Sulaym, and she said: “By Allaah, O Abu Talhah, a man like you is not to be refused, but you are a kaafir man, and I am a Muslim woman, and it is not permissible for me to marry you. But if you become Muslim that will be my mahr (dowry), and I will not ask you for anything else.” So he became Muslim, and that was her mahr. Thaabit – the student of Anas – said: I never heard of any woman who had a better mahr than Umm Sulaym, which was Islam [i.e., her husband becoming Muslim]. Then he consummated the marriage with her, and she bore him a child. Narrated by al-Nasaa’i, 3341. Classed as saheeh by alAlbaani in Saheeh al-Nasaa’i. You should also note that as soon as faith enters the depths of your heart, you will realize that the whole world cannot be equal to living for one moment with this great blessing of Islam. Some people entered Islam for the sake of money, but they soon began to love Islam and to fight for its sake, sacrificing that which was most dear to them. So you must strive within yourself and realize that the Shaytaan wants to prevent you from attaining happiness and following the religion of man’s natural inclination and reason. You will be choosing the religion of Adam, Ibraaheem (Abraham), Moosa (Moses) and the Messiah (peace be upon them all), the religion of the natural 136
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inclination of man with which people were created. This universe has only one Lord, with no partner or associate. He is the One Who deserves to be worshipped alone, and our Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) was only sent with the same message as the Messengers who came before him. So be with those who follow the Prophets and Messengers and you will find happiness in this world and in the Hereafter. Secondly: Islam will never prevent you from meeting with your family, rather it will urge you to treat them even better than you did before, so that you will be a good example of a Muslim woman, and help them to embrace this religion. The people who most deserve to share this blessing with you are your family members. Asma’ bint Abi Bakr al-Siddeeq said: My mother came to me when she was a mushrik at the time of Quraysh, at the time of the treaty with them (i.e. during the period when the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) had made a peace treaty with the people of Makkah not to fight for the duration). I asked the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him), “O Messenger of Allaah, my mother has come and she needs my help, should I uphold ties of kinship with my mother?” He said, “Yes, uphold the ties of kinship with your mother.” Narrated by al-Bukhaari (and Muslim, 1003). Here the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) gave permission for a Muslim to uphold the ties of kinship with his family who follow a religion other than Islam, even if those family members are calling him to forsake his religion and become a mushrik (one who worships others besides Allaah). Although Islam forbids 137
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him to respond to their call, it still commands him to treat them well and be kind to them. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning): “And We have enjoined on man (to be dutiful and good) to his parents. His mother bore him in weakness and hardship upon weakness and hardship, and his weaning is in two years give thanks to Me and to your parents. Unto Me is the final destination. But if they (both) strive with you to make you join in worship with Me others that of which you have no knowledge, then obey them not; but behave with them in the world kindly” [Luqmaan 31:14-15] Our Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) was keen to call his family to Islam, and he continued to visit them and call them; he visited his paternal uncle Abu Taalib when he was dying and invited him to Islam. So there is nothing to prevent you visiting your family, but that should be in agreement with your husband, and you have to utilize these visits to call them to the truth and goodness, and help them to attain salvation. What is haraam in these visits is free mixing of men and women, shaking hands with non-mahram men, and joining in their festivals. It is no secret to you that the rulings brought by Islam are in the best interests of people, both in this world and in the Hereafter. There is nothing wrong with exchanging gifts with them either, and that may be a means of softening their hearts and encouraging them to become Muslim, so long as the gifts are not given because of their festivals, especially the religious festivals. It is not permissible for you to accept or give gifts on 138
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those occasions, because that is helping them in their falsehood and approving of it. See also question no. 1130. And Allaah knows best. Islam Q&A (www.islam-qa.com) Question Reference Number:: 32466 Title: He is addicted to drugs and wants to repent Question: My sister’s husband uses drugs. Although he wants to stop using it, he can’t because of his addiction, but elhamdoulillah he fears Allah swt. My sister wonders what to do in this situation, she has 3 children with him, and leaving him would be worse because then there wouldn’t be anyone for him so he could go and use more & or commit suicide etc.. I ask you for help with the power of the “One” in whose hand my life is. Answer: Praise be to Allaah. We advise your sister to stand by her husband in his repentance and attempt to rid himself of addiction to drugs, and not to leave him to the human wolves who would destroy him. He needs her more than ever right now. You have to seek help from medical centers that treat 139
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addiction. There is nothing wrong with that, because this will help him to get rid of his addiction. She should not hesitate in that, and she should hasten to get in touch with those who specialize in dealing with such matters. But she should always remind him to be pious and fear Allaah, and remind him of death and the meeting with Allaah, whilst encouraging him to give up his addiction and giving him the hope that he will recover and his repentance will be accepted by his Lord. Please also see the answer to question no. 6540. And Allaah is the Source of strength. Islam Q&A (www.islam-qa.com) Question Reference Number:: 11440 Title: Arguments with her husband – she is asking how to become a righteous wife Question: I am a new muslimah and am fromthe U.S. I have been raised not to let a man controll me. Now the problem is that my husband is not from here and we tend to argue alot.I know more of the laws and common everyday things more than he does.His english is not that great, so, I have to explain to him sometimes and he is used to how his country and culture are, so, in public I tend to do the talking alot.This makes him mad sometimes but I feel it is the only way to get things done right most of the time. Now we argue alot and I don’t know how to be the “wife” that I am supposed to be Islamically. I am still in the learning process, but that is were I have my biggest problem.How can I change that or try to make the problem better. 140
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Answer: Praise be to Allaah. Firstly: We praise Allaah for guiding you to Islam, which is the greatest blessing that Allaah can bestow upon His slaves. We would like to tell you that Allaah has given you rights over your husband, and has enjoined upon you duties towards him. You can read question no. 10680 to find out more about this. You have to do the duties towards your husband which Allaah has enjoined upon you. Islam regards the husband’s rights as great because of the husband’s great importance in building the Muslim household, and because Allaah has enjoined him (the husband) to look after his family’s interests and take care of them. The Muslim woman should be wise in her dealings with her husband, because man – usually – is pleased with kind words and appreciates kind treatment. So if that comes from his life-partner, that will have a greater effect. The wise woman must also keep away from all kinds of behaviour that will offend her husband, and rid herself of every kind of action that annoys him, and try not to control him. The man has the role of qawwaam (protector and maintainer), and the responsibility is his. Making him feel that he is falling short in certain situations may make him angry and not treat his wife well. One of them said: “The best wife is the one who knows how to create harmony in her marriage and strikes a balance between obeying and respecting her husband and expressing her own strong personality.” Your speaking to people on his behalf – because he does not speak your people’s language well – is permissible 141
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according to sharee’ah, but as stated above, you have to be wise in doing this. When doing these things you should not make him feel that he is lacking or that he is not important. Rather you should refer to him when speaking to the people, and consult with him, and do not make decisions in his presence without asking his permission. You should do that in front of the people to whom you are speaking so that he will feel that he is important. Try to make him feel that he speaks his own language better than you do, and that you complement one another; and you can help him to learn your language, and he can help you to learn his language. This is what we advise you to do, and this is what may reduce his anger and stop him from behaving in this manner. It seems that it is only a matter of time, and you have to be careful in handling this situation until he becomes more fluent in your language and is able to do things himself, on his own. Secondly: In order to become a good wife, you have to learn what Allaah has enjoined upon you, so that you can do it. You have to know how righteous women behave, their attitude and the way they interact with their husbands. You will need to strive hard until you get used to it, but it is not impossible. The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Knowledge comes by learning, and patience comes by trying to be patient. Whoever seeks goodness will be given it, and whoever fears evil will be protected from it.” Narrated by al-Daaraqutni in al-Afraad; this is a hasan hadeet, as was stated by al-Albaani in Saheeh al-Jaami’, 2328. Some of these characteristics and attitudes are those of which a wise mother advised her daughter before marriage, which is comprehensive advice. We ask Allaah 142
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to help you to achieve this. That mother said to her daughter: “O my daughter, you are leaving your house in which you grew up, and going to live with a man whom you do not know, a companion whom you are unfamiliar with. Be like a slave woman to him and he will be like a slave to you. Remember ten characteristics which will be a stored treasure for you: The first and second are to be devoted to him and be content, listen to him and obey. The third and the fourth are to consider his nose and eyes; do not let him see anything ugly of you, or let him smell anything but a good fragrance. The fifth and the sixth are consider the time of his sleeping and eating, for hunger burns and disturbance of sleep causes anger. The seventh and the eighth are to look after his wealth and to take care of his family and his dependents. The ninth and the tenth are to look after his wealth and take care of his dependents.” Thirdly: The husband has to fear Allaah his Lord, and not transgress the rights of his wife. He should give her her rights as Allaah has enjoined upon him. He should realize that people vary, and that what he knows, many people are ignorant of, and what he is ignorant of, many people know. For him to have a wife who will translate for him and show him what will benefit him and how things are done is better for him than having someone with him whom he cannot trust. Knowledge can only be acquired by learning, and the way to learn is by striving and working hard. 143
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Advise him to try to control himself at times of anger, and not to get angry unless you have transgressed one of the sacred limits of Allaah. This is the kind of anger that is regarded as praiseworthy. And Allaah knows best. Islam Q&A (www.islam-qa.com) Question Reference Number:: 33615 Title: He has doubts about his Christian wife; can he disown the child in her womb? Question: 1- what is the fatwa for someone who is a hajj and very religous and abandons an un-born child due to divorcing a christian girl. 2- what consequences this might bring to the father if the child is born in a christian environment and the father does not even admits it is his own child. ultrasound has shown the resemblance to the father. the father is calling her a liar and that she is faking it eventhough it is confirmed true. the father went ahead and got engaged recently and discontinued the 20 yr relationship with me over this subject. 3- any advice to the father in this instance your answer is very appreciated. Answer: Praise be to Allaah. The basic principle is that the child should be called after his father, because the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “The child is for the bed and 144
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the adulterer gets nothing.” Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 2053; Muslim, 1457. What this hadeeth means is that the child should be named after the woman’s husband and the adulterer is to be condemned and gets nothing. (al-Fath, 12/36). This being named after the father is the child’s right and it is not permissible to transgress this right. But if the husband is certain or thinks it most likely that the child is not his, then he may deny it, by means of the process of li’aan. According to the majority of scholars of the four madhhabs, the child does not lose the right to be named after his father simply because the father rejects him, even if the wife admits that she committed adultery. Rather it is essential to carry out the li’aan process. Li’aan is done as described in the verse in which Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning): “And for those who accuse their wives, but have no witnesses except themselves, let the testimony of one of them be four testimonies (i.e. testifies four times) by Allaah that he is one of those who speak the truth. And the fifth (testimony should be) the invoking of the Curse of Allaah on him if he be of those who tell a lie (against her). But it shall avert the punishment (of stoning to death) from her, if she bears witness four times by Allaah, that he (her husband) is telling a lie. And the fifth (testimony) should be that the Wrath of Allaah be upon her if he (her husband) speaks the truth” [al-Noor 24:6-9] So the husband should say four times, “I bear witness by 145
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Allaah that I am telling the truth in my accusation of her committing adultery” or “I bear witness by Allaah that you have committed adultery and this is not my child.” And the fifth time he adds: “May the curse of Allaah be upon me if I am telling a lie.” And the woman – if she denies it – should say: “I bear witness by Allaah that he is lying, and that this child is his child.” And the fifth time she should pray that the wrath of Allaah should be upon her if he is telling the truth. The li’aan should be done in the mosque in the presence of a number of Muslims, along with the judge or his deputy, or whoever they agree to appoint from among the Muslims. Ibn ‘Abd al-Barr said: “Similarly the scholars did not disagree that li’aan can only be done in the mosque in which Jumu’ah prayers are held.” Fath al-Barr, 10/525. When two spouses engage in li’aan, a number of things happen as a result: 1 – The husband is not subject to the hadd punishment for slander 2 – The wife is not subject to the hadd punishment for adultery. 3 – Husband and wife are divorced automatically, and this divorce is not dependent upon a judge’s ruling; rather divorce takes place as soon as the process of li’aan is completed, according to many scholars. 4 – They are forever forbidden to remarry. 5 – The child is not to be named after his father, rather he should be named after his mother. He and the husband 146
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cannot inherit from one another, and the husband is not obliged to spend on him because he is a stranger to him. Undoubtedly abandoning a child in a Christian environment which will have an influence on him is a serious matter. Hence the husband should not engage in li’aan and disown the child unless he has proof and is certain that his wife has committed adultery. Otherwise is it a serious sin and injustice towards his child, and exposing him to kufr and deviation. And Allaah knows best. Islam Q&A (www.islam-qa.com) Question Reference Number:: 43028 Title: The reason why it is forbidden to have intercourse with one’s wife when she is menstruating or bleeding following childbirth Question: What is the wisdom behind the prohibition on having intercourse with one’s wife when she is menstruating or bleeding following childbirth? If the reason for the prohibition is the blood because it is impure, then is it permissible to have intercourse using a barrier like a condom?. Answer: Praise be to Allaah. Allaah has forbidden men to have intercourse with their wives in the vagina at the time of menstruation. 147
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The Qur’aan clearly stated the reason for this prohibition, which is that menstruation is adha (a harmful thing). Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning): “They ask you concerning menstruation. Say: that is an Adha (a harmful thing for a husband to have a sexual intercourse with his wife while she is having her menses), therefore, keep away from women during menses” [al-Baqarah 2:222] Scientific studies in this field have disclosed to us some of the harm that is referred to in this verse, but they have not managed to describe all the harms that are referred to in the Qur’aanic text. Dr. Muhiy al-Deen al-‘Alabi said: “It is essential to refrain from having intercourse with a menstruating women because doing so leads to an increase in the flow of menstrual blood, because the veins of the uterus are congested and prone to rupture, and get damaged easily; and the wall of the vagina is also susceptible to injury, so the likelihood of inflammation is increased, which leads to inflammation in the uterus and in the man’s penis, because of the irritation that occurs during intercourse. Having intercourse with a menstruating woman may also be off-putting to both the man and his wife, because of the presence and smell of blood, which may make the man impotent (i.e., uninterested in sex). Dr. Muhammad al-Baar said, speaking of the harm that may be caused to the menstruating woman: The lining of the uterus is shed during menstruation, and the uterus is scarred as a result, just like when the skin is flayed. So it is vulnerable to bacteria and the introduction of the bacteria that are to be found at the tip of the penis poses a great danger to the uterus. Hence the penetration of the penis into the vagina at the 148
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time of menstruation is no more than the introduction of germs at a time when the body is unable to fight them. Dr. al-Baar thinks that the harm is not limited to what he describes of the introduction of germs into the uterus and vagina which is difficult to treat, rather it also extends to other things, namely: 1. The spread of infection to the fallopian tubes, which may then become blocked, which in turn may lead to infertility or ectopic pregnancy, which is the most dangerous kind of pregnancy. 2. The spread of infection to the urethra, bladder and kidneys; diseases of the urinary tract are usually serious and chronic. 3. Increase of germs in the menstrual blood, especially gonorrhea germs. The menstruating woman is also in a physical and psychological state that is not conducive to intercourse, so if it takes place it will harm her a great deal and cause her pains during her period, as Dr. al-Baar said: 1. Menstruation is accompanied by pains, the severity of which varies from one woman to another. Most women experience pains in the back and lower abdomen. For some women the pain is unbearable and has to be treated with medication and painkillers. 2. Many woman suffer depression and stress during their period, especially at the beginning, and their mental and intellectual state is at the lowest level during menstruation. 3. Some women suffer migraines just before their period starts, and the pain is severe and causes visual disturbances and vomiting.
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4. Women’s sexual desire decreases, and many woman have no interest at all in sex during their periods. The entire reproductive system is in a state that is akin to sickness, so intercourse at this time is not natural and serves no purpose, rather it can cause a great deal of harm. 5. A woman’s temperature drops during menstruation, as does her pulse and blood pressure, which makes her feel dizzy, exhausted and lethargic. Dr. al-Baar also mentions that the harm is not only caused to the woman by having intercourse with her, rather the man is also affected by this action, which may cause infection in his reproductive system which may lead to sterility as a result. The severe pains suffered as a result of this infection may be even worse than the sterility it causes. And there are many other harmful effects, some of which have not yet been discovered, but Allaah has referred to them when He said (interpretation of the meaning): “Say: that is an Adha (a harmful thing for a husband to have a sexual intercourse with his wife while she is having her menses), therefore, keep away from women during menses and go not unto them till they are purified (from menses and have taken a bath)” [al-Baqarah 2:222] Allaah has described it as adha, a harmful thing both for the wife and for the husband, and other harmful effects about which Allaah knows best. Thus it becomes clear that the prohibition on intercourse at the time of menstruation is not just because of the blood, rather it is for many reasons as stated above. The Muslim must also obey the command of Allaah, for 150
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He is the Creator and He knows best what is good for His slaves and what is harmful to them. He is the One Who says “keep away from women during menses”, so even if the reason behind this is not clear, we must still submit to the command of Allaah Who has commanded that a man should not have intercourse with his wife during this time. See al-Hayd wa’l-Nifaas wa’l-Haml bayna al-Fiqh wa’lTibb by Dr. ‘Umar al-Ashqar. Tawdeeh al-Ahkaam by al-Bassaam, 1/362. However it is permissible for a man to be intimate with his wife, without having intercourse (at the time of menstruation). See also questions no. 36740, 36722 and 36864. Islam Q&A (www.islam-qa.com) Question Reference Number:: 39318 Title: She left her husband’s house and refuses to go back Question: I hope you can advise me and tell me what I should do according to sharee’ah and in a manner that will be pleasing to Allaah. I am a young doctor, and got married three years ago. My fiancée (now my wife) was a very good person, and she was easy going. But after marriage all that changed. I had debts, and she knew all about my income, but she still used to ask me for money of her own. When I tried to convince her to be patient and wait until I had paid off my debts, and that she should help me with that, she went crazy and told my mother in law, who kept insisting that I do as her daughter wanted, but I refused. Then she asked me to let her go to work, although 151
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we had agreed that she should not work unless I was unable to work. My mother in law kept bothering me a lot, until I agreed. After that there arose a lot of problems. She used to – and still does – treat my father and mother in an inappropriate manner; it has got to the point where she humiliates them. After we got married, Allaah blessed us with a little girl who is the envy of others. The point is that she went out of the house without my permission more than once, and she was not deterred by my speaking to her or forsaking her in bed or hitting her. She embarrassed me in front of the people who live in the same building as us, because she was talking about our problems to the other residents, our neighbours and her friends and relatives. All attempts to deal with her have failed; even the shaykh at the mosque spoke to her, but it did no good. The result of all this is that I no longer have any feelings for her; we have had a lot of arguments and I have divorced her (talaaq) twice, then we got back together for the sake of our young daughter whom Allaah gave to us. Recently my in-laws came back from a trip and she went to them on the basis that she would stay for a few days, then the time was extended to thirty days because her father is sick and her mother is old. When I asked her and my daughter to come back to my house, she refused, and when I spoke to her father he refused to send her back to her marital home. I threatened to take the matter to court but they did not care. I discovered that my wife and daughter’s personal papers, passports and gold are missing (she took them before she went to her family’s house). Please advise me, may Allaah reward you. Answer: Praise be to Allaah. If the matter is as you describe, then your wife has made a number of mistakes, by going out 152
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without your permission, staying in her family’s house, and refusing to come back to you with no apparent excuse; before all that comes her insistence on going out to work, contrary to what you had both agreed, and her inappropriate treatment of your parents, and her broadcasting the secrets of what goes on in her home. What we advise you to do is to follow the guidance given by the Lord of the Worlds when He said (interpretation of the meaning): “If you fear a breach between them twain (the man and his wife), appoint (two) arbitrators, one from his family and the other from hers; if they both wish for peace, Allaah will cause their reconciliation. Indeed Allaah is Ever AllKnower, WellAcquainted with all things” [al-Nisa’ 4:35] So choose one of the righteous men from your family to discuss the matter with one of the righteous men from her family, then whatever they decide, adhere to it, for that is good. If they decide that you should divorce her, then do not be upset, because Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning): “But if they separate (by divorce), Allaah will provide abundance for everyone of them from His Bounty. And Allaah is Ever All Sufficient for His creatures’ needs, AllWise” [al-Nisa’ 4:130] If appointing arbitrators does not do any good, then you can refer the matter to court, so that the court can either force her to come home or separate you, as they see fit. During this period, try to control what you do and what you say, for the Shaytaan is keen to separate husbands 153
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and wives, and a word may have a great impact when there is already dispute and division. Ask Allaah to guide you and to help you to do that which is best for you and your daughter. Do not do anything until you have prayed istikhaarah, and beware of being hasty, for it does not lead to good. You have to be gentle, forbearing and cautious, for how many families have been about to collapse, then they have reconciled and happiness and love returned to them. Examine yourself and see if there are any mistakes on your part, and set things straight between you and your Lord, so that He might set things straight between you and His creation, for obedience and disobedience have an effect on whether families are happy or not. We ask Allaah to set things straight between you and to help you to obey and please Him. And Allaah knows best. Islam Q&A (www.islam-qa.com) Question Reference Number:: 22101 Title: He married her in order to forget his ex-fiancée; and the ruling on correspondence between the sexes Question: My husband came home from work and told me he did not want to be married any more because he wants to be alone and than we went to Jumah. That Tue. After having intercourse he told me his ex fiancé found him by e-mail, a week prior. He allowed me to see the e-mail she sent him. To my surprise there was more than 1. They were e154
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mailing each other but he did not tell me that. In the emails they were discussing each other’s body parts. He was calling her everyday that he had to work & said he will not loose her again. He said he married me for two reasons. He didn’t want anyone else to have me & thinking it would get her out of his system but it did not and he has been looking for her since and now they have found each other. He has giving the girl our mailing address as well and she has used it. I spoke with her asking if she would not bother with him. She told me he is a free man. I know he is allowed up to 4 wives. He has his name on a list with the high school graduated from so that other people can get in touch with him. So far 3 females has found him. I would like to know if it is okay for my husband to have female friends and they are all non-Muslims. Please help me. Sometimes I feel he doesn’t want me for the right reasons. We are overseas and she is in the states & now he wants to go back. Answer: Praise be to Allaah. Allaah has made marriage one of His signs, and has created love and compassion between the spouses, and He has made each spouse a garment for the other. The basic principle regarding marriage is that it should be lasting: it is not permissible for either spouse to go against the purpose of marriage. Your husband should have feared Allaah and had a good intention before embarking on marriage. So long as he married you with your consent and all the conditions of marriage were fulfilled, then your marriage is valid and there is no doubt about it. It is also haraam for him to establish relationships with women who are “strangers” to him [i.e., non-mahrams] and to correspond with them, so how about if that 155
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correspondence also involves obscene words such as words of love and romance? See the answer to question no, 23349. With regard to yourself, why don’t you speak frankly with your husband and advise him? That may bring him back to his senses. Or you could ask some good people to intervene and advise him. If he cannot forget her, then it is permissible for him, according to Islam, to marry her if she is a kitaabi [one of the People of the Book, i.e., a Jew or a Christian], subject to the condition that he repents from having had haraam relationships and he comes back to being chaste. In that way he will protect himself from falling into haraam actions. Allaah permits Muslim men to marry chaste women from among the People of the Book (Jews and Christians). You have to be patient and not hasten to separate from him. Perhaps if you stay with him and are patient with him, and keep on advising him, that may be the cause of his being guided and coming back to his senses. If he insists on separating and continuing to do haraam things, then you should not feel bad about it and should not be keen to stay with him. Whatever the case, we ask Allaah to guide us and you and him and give us strength. And Allaah knows best. Islam Q&A (www.islam-qa.com) Question Reference Number:: 39496 Title: Her husband is having a relationship with someone else Question: After 10 years of marriage and permissible love, and 4 156
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children, my husband has fallen in love with a woman whom he got to know through the Net. She is one of the devils of mankind and has changed our lives. In brief, he has become like a slave to her, she tells him what to do and what not to do, and he has to obey. She has turned my life and my children’s life into hell. He refuses to repent, especially since he is not married to her, because she refuses to get married. I have been divorced and there is one talaaq divorce left. I am living with him but he is always with the other woman even when he is in the house, via the mobile phone and the Net. When I see him talking to her in front of me and not caring about my feelings, I feel as though fire is burning me and I have nowhere to turn except to Allaah, and I complain to Him of my grief. For two years I have been tasting the bitterness of patience whilst they are living with love and ecstasy as he says and as I see him. Will it ever end and will I suffer this torment forever? I pray to Allaah the Almighty for forgiveness and I pray to Him night and day but I see that nothing happens to her, she is like a mountain that will never collapse. I am caught between my husband’s mistreatment and his love for another right before my eyes. I feel that I am no longer a human being and I think that I have lost all trust in anything. What should I do? Pray to Allaah to save me from this and to make my faith steadfast and to protect me from their evil and their arrogance…. Ameen. Answer: Praise be to Allaah. We ask Allaah to grant you relief from your distress and to increase your faith and steadfastness. What you have mentioned about your husband’s actions is something reprehensible with which Allaah and His 157
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Messenger (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) are not pleased, and of which His righteous slaves do not approve. Romantic relationships between men and women are not allowed, and it is clearly haraam, whether that is via the internet or over the phone, or otherwise. If it goes beyond that to meetings and immoral actions, then this is the essence of doom. Were it not for this ecstasy that your husband is experiencing, he would feel pain, alienation and confusion, which is what is usually felt by the sinner who persists in his sin. Do not believe that he is living a life of pleasure and enjoyment, rather it is intoxication, negligence and a drifting away from Allaah, as Allaah says concerning those who commit immoral actions (interpretation of the meaning): “Verily, by your life (O Muhammad), in their wild intoxication, they were wandering blindly” [al-Hijr 15:72] One of the most abhorrent of actions is when a person commits his sin openly and boasts about it, not caring about the punishment that awaits him. Hence the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “All of my ummah may be forgiven except those who commit sin openly, and part of committing sin openly is when a man does something at night, then in the morning, when Allaah has concealed him, he says, ‘O So and so, I did such and such last night,’ when his Lord had concealed him all night but he discloses that which Allaah had concealed.” Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 6069. You should praise Allaah for protecting you and sapring 158
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you, and making you better than women of that ilk. The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Whoever sees a person who is afflicted with some trial and says, ‘Al-hamdu Lillaah alladhi ‘aafani mimma abtalaaka bihi wa faddalani ‘ala katheer mimman khalaqa tafdeelan (Praise be to Allaah who has spared me that with which He has tested you and has favoured me over many of those whom He has created),’ that trial will not befall him.” Narrated by al-Tirmidhi (3432) and Ibn Maajah (3892); classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in Saheeh al-Tirmidhi. You should note that Allaah gives the evildoer respite until, when He seizes him, He does not let him go, as the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Allaah gives respite to the wrongdoer until, when He seizes him, He does not let him go.” Then he recited (interpretation of the meaning): “Such is the Seizure of your Lord when He seizes the (population of) towns while they are doing wrong. Verily, His Seizure is painful (and) severe” [Hood 11:102] Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 4409; Muslim, 2583. So you should not be deceived by the fact that this woman continues to do wrong and seems to get away scot-free, for there is no barrier between the prayer of the oppressed and Allaah. Perhaps you can find some good people who will advise him and remind him of Allaah, even if that is via a Friday khutbah, for example, condemning such haraam relationships and describing the punishments in this world and the Hereafter for those who do such things. Make a lot of du’aa’ to Allaah, especially at times when 159
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prayers are answered, such as the last third of the night, between the adhaan and iqaamah, between ‘Asr and Maghrib on Friday. There is nothing wrong with your making du’aa’ against her because she is an evildoer, but it is better to pray that Allaah will improve your situation. You have to be kind to your husband and make yourself beautiful for him, for perhaps that woman has captured his heart with kind words that he did not hear from you, or by making herself beautiful when you did not. So try to win him over in that way. And you have to be patient, for this is a test from Allaah by means of which your sins will be expiated and you will be raised in status. And Allaah knows best. Islam Q&A (www.islam-qa.com) Question Reference Number:: 38013 Title: Her husband cannot have intercourse with her because of the pain she feels. What is the solution? Question: I apologize for this question,but I feel really bad. I am a muslim sister and married for 2 months now. The problem is this: I love my husband very much but every time when we have intercourse he can’t put his penis in my vagina. It hurts so much for me. I know this is called frigidity. I had a bad youth, an uncle touched me when I was young and I know I cant have intercourse with my husband because my uncle did this to me. My husband is very patience with me and very sweet,but he don’t know what to do either. Can you please help me?. Answer: Praise be to Allaah. 160
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The husband has to be gentle with his wife if intercourse is painful for her or causes her psychological difficulty. He has to be patient with her until she recovers from her problem or gets used to him and feels at ease with him, and she herself wants it as much as he does. Ibn Hazm said: Slaves and free women are obliged not to prevent their masters or husbands having intercourse with them when they call them, so long as the woman who is called is not menstruating or sick and will not be harmed by having intercourse, or is observing an obligatory fast. Al-Muhalla, 10/40. This matter is undoubtedly difficult, especially for one who is recently married, but it is better than causing problems that will wreck married life. The sister mentions that she loves her husband; he should take note of that and use it to fulfil his desires in a permissible manner. We advise the husband to read the answer to question no. 5560, which explains the matter further. The wife should also try to treat herself, physically and mentally. She should not give in to the psychological pain or be a prisoner of the past. Her husband is not her evil uncle who abused her when she was small. Now she is a grown up and she is with her husband, and they are permissible for one another. With regard to the physical pain, this is something natural when one is first married. This pain will soon go away, in sha Allah. All it needs is a little patience. You should both make a lot of du’aa’ and strive to follow the commands of Allaah by regularly performing the obligatory duties, observing the commands of Allaah on 161
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time and adhering to what He enjoins with regard to dress etc. All of that may be a means of Allaah hastening to relieve you and remove whatever psychological and other barriers may be present. And Allaah knows best. Islam Q&A (www.islam-qa.com) Question Reference Number:: 41199 Title: Hitting one’s wife? Question: To be honest i was really astonished to read how you do answer all the questions cleverly. I really want to know more about Islam but every time I know something new, I get suspicious about it Bravely, I would like to know if it is correct that the Coran permits a man to bit his wife? If that’s true how could you explain that?. Answer: Praise be to Allaah. We are very happy that you are reading our site and are keen to learn about Islam. We ask Allaah to guide you to that which will bring you happiness in this world and in the hereafter. There is nothing in the Qur’aan that suggests that a man is allowed to bite his wife. 1 – The Qur’aan enjoins good treatment of one’s wife: she is to be honoured and treated kindly, even when one no longer feels love in one’s heart towards her. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning): “and live with them honourably. If you dislike them, it 162
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may be that you dislike a thing and Allaah brings through it a great deal of good” [al-Nisa’ 4:19] 2 – The Qur’aan explains that women have rights over their husbands, just as their husbands have rights over them. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning): “And they (women) have rights (over their husbands as regards living expenses) similar (to those of their husbands) over them (as regards obedience and respect) to what is reasonable, but men have a degree (of responsibility) over them. And Allaah is All-Mighty, AllWise” [al-Baqarah 2:228] This verse indicates that the man has additional rights, commensurate with his role as protector and maintainer and his responsibility of spending (on his wife) etc. 3 – The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) enjoined kind treatment and honouring of one’s wife, and he described the best of people as those who are best to their wives. He said: “The best of you are those who are the best to their wives, and I am the best of you to my wives.” Narrated by al-Tirmidhi, 3895; Ibn Maajah, 1977; classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in Saheeh al-Tirmidhi. 4 – The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) spoke beautiful word concerning kind treatment of one’s wife, stating that when the husband feeds his wife and puts a morsel of food in her mouth, he earns the reward of doing an act of charity. He said, “You never spend anything but you will be rewarded for it, even the morsel of food that you lift to your wife’s mouth.” Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 6352; Muslim, 1628. 4 – And he (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Fear Allaah with regard to women, for you have 163
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taken them as a trust from Allaah and intimacy with them has become permissible to you by the words of Allaah. Your right over them is that they should not allow anyone to sit on your furniture whom you dislike; if they do that then hit them but not in a harsh manner. And their right over you is that you should provide for them and clothe them on a reasonable basis.” Narrated by Muslim, 1218. What is meant by “they should not allow anyone to sit on your furniture whom you dislike” is that they should not allow anyone whom you dislike to enter your houses, whether the person disliked is a man or a woman, or any of the woman’s mahrams [close relatives to whom marriage is forbidden]. The prohibition includes all of them. From the words of al-Nawawi. The hadeeth may be understood as meaning that a man has the right to hit his wife, in a manner that is not harsh and does not cause injury if if there is a reason for that, such as her going against his wishes or disobeying him. This is like the verse in which Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning): “As to those women on whose part you see illconduct, admonish them (first), (next) refuse to share their beds, (and last) beat them (lightly, if it is useful); but if they return to obedience, seek not against them means (of annoyance). Surely, Allaah is Ever Most High, Most Great” [al-Nisa’ 4:34] If a woman rebels against her husband and disobeys his commands, then he should follow this method of admonishing her, forsaking her in bed and hitting her. Hitting is subject to the condition that it should not be harsh or cause injury. Al-Hasan al-Basri said: this means that it should not cause pain. 164
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‘Ata’ said: I said to Ibn ‘Abbaas, what is the kind of hitting that is not harsh? He said, Hitting with a siwaak and the like. [A siwaak is a small stick or twig used for cleaning the teeth - Translator] The purpose behind this is not to hurt or humiliate the woman, rather it is intended to make her realize that she has transgressed against her husband’s rights, and that her husband has the right to set her straight and discipline her. And Allaah knows best. Islam Q&A (www.islam-qa.com) Question Reference Number:: 26265 Title: Having intercourse with one wife in front of the other Question: Is it permissible for a man married to two or more woman to engagane sexual encounters with his wives all at once? Meaning : can he have sex with one wife and have the second wife join, even if they can’t see each other?. Answer: Praise be to Allaah. Having intercourse with one wife in the presence of the other and where she can see is something concerning which there should be no dispute that it is haraam. 1 – al-Hasan al-Basri said: They – meaning the Sahaabah and senior Taabi’een – used to regard wajs as makrooh, 165
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which means having intercourse with one when the other can hear the sounds. The word “makrooh” according to the earlier scholars means that it is haraam. Narrated by Ibn Abi Shaybah in al-Musannaf, 4/388 2 – Ibn Qudaamah (may Allaah have mercy on him) said: If two wives agree to live together in one house, that is permissible, because they each have the right to their own house, but they may give up that right. Similarly they may agree to let him sleep between them in one bed. But if they agree to let him have intercourse with one of them when the other one is looking, that is not permissible, because it is vile and despicable and is not appropriate, and it does not become permissible even if they agree to it. al-Mughni, 8/137 3 – al-Hajaawi the author of Zaad al-Mustanqi’ said: It is makrooh to have intercourse where anyone can see. Shaykh Ibn ‘Uthaymeen commented on these words by saying: It is very strange that he limited himself to describing it as makrooh. This covers two issues. The first is having intercourse where the awrahs of both partners can be seen. Undoubtedly limiting oneself to saying that this is makrooh is a mistake, because it is obligatory to cover the ‘awrah. If it is in a place where anyone can see their ‘awrahs, this is undoubtedly haraam, and what this author says is not correct at all. The second is having intercourse in a place where the ‘awrah cannot be seen. Limiting oneself to saying that this is makrooh is also subject to further discussion. For example, if they are covered with a blanket and he starts to have intercourse with her, and the movements can be 166
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seen. This is undoubtedly more likely to be haraam, because it is not appropriate for a Muslim to lower himself to such a level. This may also provoke desire in the person who sees this, and that may lead to evil consequences. The correct view concerning this matter is that it is haraam to have intercourse with a woman in view of anyone, unless the onlooker is a child who does not understand what is happening; in this case it does not matter. But if the child understands what is happening then intercourse should not take place where he can see, even if he is a child, because a child may speak about what he has seen unintentionally. Sharh Kitaab al-Nikaah min Zaad al-Mustanqi’, tape 17. And Allaah knows best. Islam Q&A (www.islam-qa.com) Question Reference Number:: 20846 Title: When is intercourse haraam? Question: I would like to know on which nights of the Islamic month sexual intercourse is NOT allowed? This is in regard to the moon. Example - I heard that intercourse is not allowed on the evening of the new moon (per Hadith?). Are there other nights as well?. Answer: Praise be to Allaah. 167
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What you have heard about intercourse not being allowed when seeing the new moon at the beginning of the month is not correct, and we do not know of any hadeeth concerning that. It is permissible for a man to have intercourse with his wife at any time, except when one of them is in ihraam for Hajj or ‘Umrah, or is fasting, so it is not allowed during the day when one of them is fasting, but it is allowed at night; it is also haraam when the woman is menstruating or bleeding following childbirth. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning): “The Hajj (pilgrimage) is (in) the well-known (lunar year) months (i.e. the 10th month, the 11th month and the first ten days of the 12th month of the Islamic calendar, i.e. two months and ten days). So whosoever intends to perform Hajj therein (by assuming Ihraam), then he should not have sexual relations (with his wife), nor commit sin, nor dispute unjustly during the Hajj” [al-Baqarah 2:197] “It is made lawful for you to have sexual relations with your wives on the night of AsSawm (the fasts). They are Libaas [i.e. body-cover, or screen, or Sakan (i.e. you enjoy the pleasure of living with them)] for you and you are the same for them” [al-Baqarah 2:187] “They ask you concerning menstruation. Say: that is an Adha (a harmful thing for a husband to have a sexual intercourse with his wife while she is having her menses), therefore, keep away from women during menses and go not unto them till they are purified (from menses and have taken a bath). And when they have purified themselves, then go in unto them as Allaah has ordained for you (go in unto them in any manner as long as it is in their vagina). 168
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Truly, Allaah loves those who turn unto Him in repentance and loves those who purify themselves (by taking a bath and cleaning and washing thoroughly their private parts and bodies for their prayers)” [al-Baqarah 2:222] And Allaah knows best. Islam Q&A (www.islam-qa.com) Question Reference Number:: 33597 Title: Husband forcing his wife to have intercourse Question: Is it permissible for a man to force his wife or slave to have intercourse if she refuses?. Answer: Praise be to Allaah. The woman does not have the right to refuse her husband, rather she must respond to his request every time he calls her, so long as that will not harm her or keep her from doing an obligatory duty. Al-Bukhaari (3237) and Muslim (1436) narrated that Abu Hurayrah (may Allaah be pleased with him) said: The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “If a man calls his wife to his bed and she refuses, and he spends the night angry with her, the angels curse her until morning.” If she refuses with no excuse, she is disobeying and is
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being defiant (nushooz), and he is no longer obliged to spend on her and clothe her. The husband should admonish her and remind her of the punishment of Allaah, and forsake her in her bed. He also has the right to hit her, in a manner that does not cause injury. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning): “As to those women on whose part you see illconduct, admonish them (first), (next) refuse to share their beds, (and last) beat them (lightly, if it is useful); but if they return to obedience, seek not against them means (of annoyance). Surely, Allaah is Ever Most High, Most Great” [al-Nisa’ 4:34] Shaykh al-Islam Ibn Taymiyah (may Allaah have mercy on him) was asked what a husband should do if his wife refuses him when he asks for intimacy. He replied: It is not permissible for her to rebel against him or to withhold herself from him, rather if she refuses him and persists in doing so, he may hit her in a manner that does not cause injury, and she is not entitled to spending or a share of his time [in the case of plural marriage].” Majmoo’ al-Fataawa, 32/279. And he was asked about a man who has a wife who is rebellious and refuses intimacy – does she forfeit the right to maintenance and clothing, and what should she do? He replied: She forfeits her right to maintenance and clothing if she does not let him be intimate with her. He has the right to hit her if she persists in being defiant. It is not permissible 170
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for her to refuse intimacy if he asks for that, rather she is disobeying Allaah and His Messenger (by refusing). In al-Saheeh it says: “If a man calls his wife to his bed and she refuses, the One Who is in heaven will be angry with her until morning comes.” From Majmoo’ al-Fataawa, 32/278. The hadeeth was narrated by Muslim, 1736. So the wife should be admonished first, and warned against defiance (nushooz) and of the anger of Allaah and the curse of the angels. If she does not respond, then the husband should forsake her in her bed, and if she does not respond to that, then he may hit her in a manner that does not cause injury. If none of these steps are effective, then he may stop spending on her maintenance and clothing, and he has the right to divorce her or to allow her to separate from him by khula’ in return for some financial settlement, such as giving up the mahr. Similarly a slave woman does not have the right to refuse her master’s requests unless she has a valid excuse. If she does that she is being disobedient and he has the right to discipline her in whatever manner he thinks is appropriate and is allowed in sharee’ah. And Allaah knows best. Islam Q&A (www.islam-qa.com) Question Reference Number:: 36740 Title: He cannot be patient when his wife has her period Question: His wife ha a long period of menstruation up to seven 171
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days before she does ghusul. But he feels this time is too long to wait as his sexual epitite is so high, what must he do or what must she do to solve the problem?. Answer: Praise be to Allaah. We have already explained in question no. 36722 that a man may be intimate with his wife in all ways apart from intercourse, because when the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) was asked about intimacy with a menstruating woman, he said: “Do everything except intercourse.” Narrated by Muslim, 302. The husband also has another permissible means of fulfilling his desire, which is masturbation by his wife’s hand. The evidence for that is the general meaning of the verse (interpretation of the meaning): “And those who guard their chastity (i.e. private parts from illegal sexual acts). Except from their wives or the (women slaves) whom their right hands possess for (then) they are not blameworthy” [al-Ma’aarij 70:29-30] See also question no. 826 And Allaah knows best. Islam Q&A (www.islam-qa.com) Question Reference Number:: 34151 Title: His wife is weak in religious commitment – what should he do? Question: I am a young man, thirty years old. Before I got married I was not committed, but now – praise be to Allaah – I 172
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have been blessed with guidance. I got married to a girl who graduated from the Faculty of Islamic Studies and I was happy about that because I thought that she would help me to obey Allaah. But after getting to know her, I found out that she is a very ordinary girl and she is not committed at all, and she has many negative qualities, such as: She cannot denounce any evil action, whether major or minor. Rather she even does some evil actions such as watching TV, gossiping, and doing few acts of worship. But she also has some good qualities, such as being good and patient, and she performs all her wifely duties and takes care of the house. What upsets me is that I wanted someone who would help me to be more committed by marrying a woman who was religiously committed, but I found that the one who I thought was religiously committed needs someone to help her. This is my problem. I hope that you can help me find a solution. Thank you very much. Answer: Praise be to Allaah. The problem that you describe is one that is faced by many young men who thought that their wives could learn and make da’wah, and that they would strive hard in worship and help their husbands to be religiously-committed, no matter how much the husband fell short in that. But in fact the wife cannot be influenced by anybody as much as her husband. So if the husband does not set a good example, the wife’s commitment will soon become weak. This is what usually happens. This does not mean that 173
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there are not good situations in which the woman is the example who leads her husband along the path of guidance. The fact that you have found out that your wife is an ordinary girl does not mean that you have failed, and it should not be a cause of regret. Rather that should be a motive for you to seek the reward for calling her to guidance. What you have mentioned of her good qualities will help you to achieve that, in sha Allaah. So you should be the one who calls her, reminds her and advises her… fill her free time with beneficial things such as tapes, books and magazines. Do not give up on rebuking her if she gossips or watches TV, but do that in a gentle, compassionate and loving manner. Try to make her join an organization for memorization of Qur’aan, or get her to attend public lectures with you, or to form ties with some righteous families. These are the best ways in which you can help your wife to strengthen her faith. Perhaps what you mention about her not worshipping much is related to your own shortcomings in that regard, or to your neglecting to get her to join in. Try to help her and remind her of the virtue of naafil prayers, the reward for praying qiyaam al-layl and fasting. Do as many of these acts of worship with her as you can. Be the qawwaam (leader; protector and maintainer) of your wife, prevent her from doing haraam things or doubtful things. Ask of Allaah, saying, “Our Lord! Bestow on us from our wives and our offspring the comfort of our eyes, and
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make us leaders of the Muttaqoon (the pious)” [alFurqaan 25:74 – interpretation of the meaning]. We ask Allaah to set your affairs and the affairs of all the Muslims straight. Islam Q&A (www.islam-qa.com) Question Reference Number:: 36864 Title: Intimacy with a woman who is menstruating Question: I read somewhere that during the period of Menstrual cycle, the part below the waist of a Woman is haram to do intercourse with, while the part above the waist is halal and there is nothing wrong taking part in sex with husband with upper part only? Is this correct in the light of true ahadeeth?. Answer: Praise be to Allaah. What you have read is not correct. The correct view is that the man may be intimate with his wife when she is menstruating in all ways apart from intercourse. The evidence for that has already been explained in the answer to question no. 36722. Many of the scholars were of the view that it is haraam for a man to be intimate with his wife during her menses with regard to the area between the navel and the knees, and they quoted evidence for that, but this view has some flaws, for example : 175
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1 – The report narrated by Abu Dawood (213) from Mu’aadh ibn Jabal who said: “I asked the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) what it is permissible for a man to do with his wife when she is menstruating. He said, ‘Whatever is above the izaar (waist wrapper), but refraining from that is better.’” This hadeeth is da’eef, and was not proven from the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him). Abu Dawood said: It is not strong. It was classed as da’eef by al-‘Iraaqi as it says in ‘Awn al-Ma’bood. And it was classed as da’eef by al-Albaani in Da’eef Abi Dawood, 36. 2 – Ahmad (87) narrated from ‘Umar ibn al-Khattaab that he asked the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him), “What can a man do with his wife when she is menstruating?” The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Whatever is above the izaar.” Ahmad Shaakir said in Tahqeeq al-Musnad (86): its isnaad is da’eef (weak) because there is a missing link in it. 3 – Abu Dawood (212) also narrated from Haraam ibn Hakeem that his paternal uncle asked the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him), “What is it permissible for me to do with my wife when she is menstruating?” He said, “Whatever is above the izaar.” The scholars differed concerning this hadeeth. Ibn alQayyim narrated in Tahdheeb al-Sunan that some of the huffaaz regarded it as da’eef, and he concurred with that. It was classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in Saheeh Abi Dawood, 197. Even if the hadeeth is saheeh, it does not constitute 176
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evidence that this is not permissible to engage in intimacy between the navel and the knees, because it is possible to reconcile between this hadeeth and other ahaadeeth which state that such intimacy is possible in one of the following ways: 1- It means that this is mustahabb to avoid the site of menstruation, not that it is obligatory to do so. 2- It may be interpreted as applying to the one who is not able to control himself, because if he is allowed to be intimate with the area between the thighs, for example, he may not be able to control himself and may have intercourse in the vagina, so he would be doing something haraam, either because he is lacking in religious commitment, or because his desire is too strong. So the ahaadeeth which indicate that it is permissible apply to the one who can control himself and the ahaadeeth which indicate that it is not allowed apply to the one who fears that he may fall into haraam. From al-Sharh al-Mumti’ by Shaykh Ibn ‘Uthaymeen, 1/ 416-417 And Allaah knows best.Islam Q&A (www.islam-qa.com) Question Reference Number:: 36722 Title: Intimacy with one’s wife when she is menstruating or in nifaas Question: Can I have romance with my wife while she is in the state of inpurity (mens. and after child birth) . Answer: Praise be to Allaah. 177
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A man can be intimate with his wife when she is menstruating or in nifaas; this falls into three categories: 1 – Being intimate and having intercourse with her in the vagina. This is haraam according to the consensus of the Muslims and the text of the Qur’aan. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning): “They ask you concerning menstruation. Say: that is an Adha (a harmful thing for a husband to have a sexual intercourse with his wife while she is having her menses), therefore, keep away from women during menses and go not unto them till they are purified (from menses and have taken a bath)” [al-Baqarah 2:222] 2 – Being intimate by kissing, embracing, touching etc. parts that are above the navel and below the knee. This is permissible according to scholarly consensus. See Sharh Muslim by al-Nawawi, and al-Mughni, 1/414 3 – Being intimate with regard to the area between the navel and the knee, apart from the front or back passage. The scholars differed as to whether this is permissible. Imam Abu Haneefah, Imam Maalik and al-Shaafa’i were of the view that this is haraam, and Imam Ahmad was of the view that this is permissible; the latter view was also shared by some Hanafis, Maalikis and Shaafa’is. AlNawawi said: The evidence for this view is stronger and it is the preferred view. Those who say that it is permissible quoted evidence from the Qur’aan and Sunnah. With regard to Qur’aanic evidence, they quoted the verse mentioned above (interpretation of the meaning): “…therefore, keep away from women during menses and 178
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go not unto them till they are purified (from menses and have taken a bath)” [al-Baqarah 2:222] The phrase fi’l-maheed (translated as during menses) refers to both the time of menstruation and the site of menstruation, which is the vagina. So long as the woman is menstruating, having intercourse with her in the vagina is haraam. Ibn Qudaamah said in al-Mughni, 1/415: The fact that the site of bleeding is mentioned specifically indicates that it is permissible to be intimate in other areas. With regard to the Sunnah, Muslim (302) narrated from Anas that the Jews, if any of their women was menstruating, would not eat with them or meet with them in their houses. The companions of the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) asked the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) about that, then Allaah revealed the verse (interpretation of the meaning): “They ask you concerning menstruation. Say: that is an Adha (a harmful thing for a husband to have a sexual intercourse with his wife while she is having her menses), therefore, keep away from women during menses and go not unto them till they are purified (from menses and have taken a bath). And when they have purified themselves, then go in unto them as Allaah has ordained for you (go in unto them in any manner as long as it is in their vagina). Truly, Allaah loves those who turn unto Him in repentance and loves those who purify themselves” [al-Baqarah 2:222] The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah 179
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be upon him) said: “So do everything except intercourse.” News of that reached the Jews and they said, “What does this man want? He does not leave any of our affairs but he differs from it!” What is meant by “they would not meet with them in their houses” is that they would not mix with them or stay in the same room with them. This was the view of al-Nawawi. Abu Dawood (272) narrated from ‘Ikrimah from one of the wives of the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) that when the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) wanted to engage in any intimacy with one of his wives when she was menstruating, he would put a piece of cloth over her private part. Al-Haafiz said: its isnaad is qawiy (strong); it was classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in Saheeh Abi Dawood, 242. It says in Fataawa al-Lajnah al-Daa’imah, 5/395: It is haraam for the husband to have intercourse with his wife in her vagina when she is menstruating, but he may be intimate with her everywhere else. It is better for the man, if he wants to be intimate with his wife when she is menstruating, to tell her to wear something to cover her between the navel and the knees, then he may be intimate with her in any other area. Al-Bukhaari (302) and Muslim (2293) narrated that ‘Aa’ishah said: “If one of us was menstruating and the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) wanted to be intimate with her, he would tell her to wear an izaar (waist wrapper) at the peak of her menstruation, then he would be intimate with her.” Muslim (294) narrated that Maymoonah said: The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be 180
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upon him) would be intimate with his wives above the izaar (waist wrapper) when they were menstruating. “The peak of her menstruation” means at the beginning when the flow is heaviest. This was the view of alKhattaabi. Ibn al-Qayyim said in Tahdheeb al-Sunan, commenting on hadeeth no. 2167 from ‘Awn al-Ma’bood: The hadeeth “Do everything except intercourse” clearly indicates that what is forbidden is only intercourse in the site of menstruation, which is intercourse in the vagina, but everything else is permissible. The hadeeth which speak about the izaar (waist wrapper) do not contradict that, because that is a precautionary measure and is better. It may be that a distinction is made between the beginning of the period and the end, so that it is mustahabb to cover the area between the navel and the knee when the bleeding is heaviest, which is at the beginning of the period. Al-Haafiz said: This is supported by the hadeeth narrated by Ibn Maajah with a hasan isnaad from Umm Salamah, that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) would avoid intimacy with her for three (days), then he would be intimate with her after that. -------------Note: The rulings mentioned above apply to both menstruating women and women in nifaas (bleeding after childbirth). Ibn Qudaamah (may Allaah have mercy on him) said, after mentioning the rulings on a man being intimate with his wife when she is menstruating: 181
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The woman in nifaas is like the woman who is menstruating in this regard. Al-Mughni, 1/419. And Allaah knows best. Islam Q&A (www.islam-qa.com) Question Reference Number:: 6388 Title: To what extent can the husband’s relatives interfere in his wife’s life? Question: What are the rights of the in-laws (the husband’s brothers and sisters) in Islam? Do the father- and mother-in-law have the right of obedience? Do they have the right to enter my room with or without permission? To what extent should I obey them with regard to my clothing, cooking, childcare, keeping house and going out of the house? Do they have the right to interfere in our marital life? Do they have any rights with regard to our work, where we live, education and the like? Do I have to ask their permission to visit my family? Do they have the right to know all the details about our life? Do I have to obey them and shake hands with my husband’s relatives? Do my husband and I have to attend weddings in which there are haraam things?. Answer: Praise be to Allaah. The wife does not have to obey anyone among her inlaws, whether that is her husband’s father, mother, brothers 182
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or sisters, in any matter, major or minor, unless they tell her to do something which is obligatory according to Islam, or forbid her to do something that is haraam. In such matters she has to obey, whether that comes from a relative or a stranger, an in-law or anyone else. With regard to the husband, she must obey him in matters that are right and proper, because Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning): “Men are the protectors and maintainers of women, because Allaah has made one of them to excel the other, and because they spend (to support them) from their means…” [al-Nisa’ 4:34] Ibn Katheer (may Allaah have mercy on him) said, discussing some of the husband’s rights over his wife: Allaah has given the husband rights and commanded the wife to obey him; He has forbidden her to disobey him because of the fact that he excels her and maintains her. Tafseer Ibn Katheer, 1/493 It is not permissible for any of your in-laws to enter your room without your permission, because Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning): “O you who believe! Enter not houses other than your own, until you have asked permission and greeted those in them; that is better for you, in order that you may remember” [al-Noor 24:27] If any of them enters your room with your permission but he is not one of your mahrams – such as your husband’s brother – then there has to be one of your mahrams present, 183
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so that there will be no haraam khulwah between you (i.e., being alone together). You must also observe full shar’i hijab, and be certain that there is no risk of falling into fitnah (temptation). Despite all these conditions, it is still better for him not to enter upon you in your room; this is purer for the heart and farthest removed from suspicion. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning): “And when you ask (his wives) for anything you want, ask them from behind a screen, that is purer for your hearts and for their hearts” [al-Ahzaab 33:53] And the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Beware of entering upon women.” A man from among the Ansaar said, “What about the in-law, O Messenger of Allaah?” He said, “The in-law is death.” Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 5232; Muslim, 2172. Al-Nawawi (may Allaah have mercy on him) said: With regard to the Prophet’s words “The in-law is death,” what this means is that there is more fear with regard to him than anyone else, and evil is to be expected of him, and the fitnah (temptation) is greater because he is able to reach the woman and be alone with her without anyone denouncing that, unlike the case of one who is a stranger. What is meant by “in-law” (hamu) here is the relatives of the husband apart from his father/grandfather and sons/ grandsons. Fathers/grandfathers and sons/grandsons are mahrams for his wife and it is permissible for them to be alone with her. The word “death” here does not refer to them. Rather what is meant is the brother, brother’s son, paternal uncle, cousin, etc, who are not mahrams. People are usually careless about this matter and a man may let 184
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his wife be alone with his brother. This is what is referred to by “death” and should be prevented more than her being alone with a stranger for the reasons mentioned above. They do not have the right to force you to do any of the things you mention, such as how to cook, how to dress or other things such as working and teaching etc, unless that is by way of advice and kind treatment, not by way of compulsion. It is not permissible for them to interfere in your and your husband’s private affairs, but if they convince your husband not to go out on trips and he tells you to stay in the house, then obey your husband, and be patient and seek reward. You do not have to ask permission from any of them to visit your family; that is not their right. You have to ask your husband’s permission, and if he gives you permission then you do not have to ask permission from any of them. They do not have the right to know the details of your life (you and your husband), and it is not permissible for your husband to tell them of any private or intimate matters between the two of you. Your husband has to honour his parents, and you should help him in that. You should not be the cause of a split between him and them. You will see the consequences of that in your children in sha Allah. Your husband’s visits to his parents should be on the basis of need. Something may happen to his parents which requires their son to visit them a great deal, such as sickness and the like. You husband has to pay attention to that. With regard to your serving them and doing housework, you are not obliged to do that, but if you do it as an act of 185
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kindness towards them, or to please your husband, that will be good and you will have the reward for that in sha Allaah. This is something that will raise your status in the eyes of your husband and his family in this world, and will raise you in status in the Hereafter too, in sha Allah. With regard to your living separately, your husband has to ensure that you have a place where you can live separately, but there is nothing wrong with his parents living in the same place with you if the house is big enough, and if that will not cause you any harm. With regard to your life being under scrutiny, his parents have no right to dominate your life. Try to communicate in a proper manner with your husband and reach an understanding. If he can resolve the matter, all well and good, otherwise there is nothing wrong with you speaking to his family in a wise and mature manner. If they do not respond and the situation continues as it is, then be patient and seek reward from Allaah. With regard to your shaking hands with men who are not your mahrams, this is haraam. There is no obedience to any created being if it involves disobedience towards the Creator. For more information on the ruling on shaking hands with a non-mahram, see question no. 21183. It is not permissible for your husband to go to wedding parties in which there is noise and sin. For more information see question no. 10957. Finally… Our advice to husbands is that they should honour their parents with regard to that which is right and proper, but they should not obey them if they transgress the limits set by Allaah, or help them in wrongdoing, which includes mistreating their sons’ wives. They should discuss with 186
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them in a way that is better and not prevent them from obeying Allaah. They should be strong in adhering to the truth and confront those who stand in the way of their implementing the laws of Allaah in their homes, because the Muslim does not acknowledge any authority over him except the Qur’aan and Sunnah. They should also beware of those who call them to commit sin. If the husband thinks that the interests of sharee’ah dictate that he should keep his wife and his family apart, then there is nothing wrong with him doing that. We should be tolerant and be patient with one another, and we should not forget to be kind to one another. We should speak to one another in kindness and be patient, and ward off evil with that which is better. We should speak well to the slaves of Allaah until we meet Allaah. Allaah is the One Whom we ask to set all our affairs straight. May Allaah send blessings upon our Prophet Muhammad. Islam Q&A (www.islam-qa.com) Question Reference Number:: 20607 Title: Family problems caused by husband’s brother Question: I have a brother in law who is always at my house on the phone with my husband or pulling my husband to go out with him he can’t seem to do anything without him, its gotten to the point where I cant stand to see him anymore. I feel he puts thoughts into my husbands head and he takes him away from his responsibilities to me and our three sons we have an active life with the three boys and I always get the short end I love to do things for them all but sometimes I’d like my husband to be with us but 187
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usually this means his brother will tag along or he’ll constantly call untill he reaches us. I’ve had major fights with my husband because he thinks its ok to say no to me because I will understand and forgive him but his brother will pout for a long time. I think he should be more committed to us and not his brother if he wants us to survive as a family. As a muslim women, am I asking for to much or does his brothers feelings come first?. Answer: Praise be to Allaah. The husband has to understand that Allaah has enjoined upon him to take care of his children, to bring them up properly and to look after their affairs. He has also enjoined upon him to treat his wife in a good and kind manner. Allaah will question him about every shortcoming with regard to these duties on the Day of Resurrection. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning): “O you who believe! Ward off yourselves and your families against a Fire (Hell) whose fuel is men and stones, over which are (appointed) angels stern (and) severe, who disobey not, (from executing) the Commands they receive from Allaah, but do that which they are commanded” [al-Tahreem 66:6] “and live with them [women] honourably” [al-Nisa’ 4:19] Secondly: The husband should not allow into his life anything that may come between him and his taking care of his family, such as working continually, or allowing friends or 188
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relatives to take all his time or interfere in his family’s affairs. Nowadays the Muslim cannot find enough time to do all the things that Allaah has enjoined upon him, so how can he waste his time with other things at the expense of these duties? Thirdly: The wife should not try to come between her husband and his family. She should not complain about him visiting them or their visiting him, unless he is giving that priority over the duties that Allaah has enjoined upon him. The father should not give anyone priority over his children, whether that is his brother or any other relative. Hence there is no need to cause a split and break the family ties between your husband and his brother, or between the children and their paternal uncle, because that will have a far-reaching effect on their relationships with other people and with their relatives. Fourthly: We advise you to be kind and gentle towards your husband, and to show him that you have nothing against his relationship with his brother. Do not cause your children to dislike him. If you see any shortcoming on your husband’s part with regard to his shar’i duties towards you, then denounce that and remind him in a manner that is better, without being too harsh. You can do that by hinting rather than stating it bluntly, unless there is a need for that. We have seen similar cases in some families where the wife had another member of her family staying with them for some reason. So we think that the husband’s treatment 189
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of his family will get better if he sees his wife treating his family in a better manner. And Allaah knows best. Islam Q&A (www.islam-qa.com) Question Reference Number:: 20597 Title: He is practicing ‘azl with his wife so that she will not get pregnant because she is still studying Question: Is it permissible to practise ‘azl (withdrawal or coitus interruptus) or a similar method (of contraception) if that will go on for two years or more, so that the wife can finish her studies before she gets pregnant? Or does this go against one of the most important reasons for marriage in Islam?. Answer: Praise be to Allaah. Firstly: One of the purposes of marriage in Islam is to have children and increase the numbers of the ummah. Abu Dawood (2050) narrated that Ma’qil ibn Yasaar (may Allaah be pleased with him) said: The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Marry the one who is loving and fertile, for I will be proud of your great numbers before the nations [i.e., on the Day of Resurrection].” Classed as saheeh by alAlbaani in Saheeh Abi Dawood, 1805. 190
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Secondly: Practising ‘azl – which means ejaculating outside the vagina – is permissible, but that is subject to the condition that it be with the wife’s permission, because one of her rights is full enjoyment, and another of her rights is to have children, both of which are lost as a result of ‘azl. It was narrated that Jaabir ibn ‘Abd-Allaah said: We used to practise ‘azl at the time of the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) when the Qur’aan was being revealed. Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 4911; Muslim, 1440. Muslim added: Sufyaan said: If there had been anything wrong with it, the Qur’aan would have forbidden it. Shaykh al-Islam Ibn Taymiyah said: With regard to ‘azl, some of the scholars regarded it as haraam, but the view of the four imams is that it is permissible with the wife’s permission. And Allaah knows best. Majmoo’ al-Fataawa, 32/110 See also Question no. 11885. Thirdly: It is permissible for the spouses to agree on family planning so long as that is temporary and not a permanent thing – subject to the condition that the means used does not cause any harm to the woman. Shaykh Ibn ‘Uthaymeen (may Allaah have mercy on him) said: With regard to using temporary means of preventing pregnancy, such as when a woman gets pregnant easily 191
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and pregnancy is exhausting for her, and she wants to space her pregnancies so they will be two years apart and so on, this is permissible so long as her husband gives his permission and so long as that will not cause her any harm. Risaalat al-Dimaa’ al-Tabee’iyyah li’l-Nisa’ And Allaah knows best. Islam Q&A (www.islam-qa.com) Question Reference Number:: 38224 Title: Intercourse on the night and day of Eid Question: What is the ruling on having intercourse on the day and night of Eid (my question includes both Eids)? I heard from some sincere brothers that it is not permissible. Answer: Praise be to Allaah. What you have heard from some sincere brothers is not correct. Intercourse on the night and day of Eid is permissible, and it is not haraam to have intercourse except during the day in Ramadaan and when in the state of ihraam for Hajj and ‘Umrah, and when the woman is menstruating or bleeding after childbirth (nifaas). And Allaah knows best. Islam Q&A (www.islam-qa.com) 192
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Question Reference Number:: 9602 Title: Her husband has strong desire; what should she do? Question: My husband and i have been married for nearly 6 months. We are having re-occuring problems regarding how much sex we have. My husband has strong needs in this area— which he has told me about many times. I have tried hard to meet his needs— but find myself unable to keep up with him for more than a week or so. I become very tired— and feel physically unable to do this. My husband now finds the situation hard to deal with— and often separates from me - within the home. I understand that it is my obligation to respond to his need— but what are our rights to eachother in the case that one finds it hard to keep up with the other— even though their intention is to please them. Is my husband allowed to separate from me in this way. Also is he allowed to come to me for such relations when we have had an argument and have no been speaking to eachother. We are alhumdulillah very happy together otherwise and love and respect eachother very much— and would like to find an islamic resolution to remove this problem from our marriage. Answer: Praise be to Allaah. The husband is obliged to treat his wife in a kind and reasonable manner. Part of that kind and reasonable treatment is intercourse, which he has to do. The majority of scholars set the time limit beyond which it is not permissible for the husband to forego intercourse at four months, but the correct view is that there is no time limit; 193
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the husband should have intercourse with his wife according to what satisfies her. Ibn Qudaamah (may Allaah have mercy on him) said: Intercourse is obligatory upon the man if he has no excuse. This was also the view of Maalik. Al-Mughni, 7/30 Al-Jassaas said: He (the husband) is obliged to have intercourse with her, because Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning): “…so as to leave the other hanging (i.e. neither divorced nor married)…” [al-Nisa’ 4:129] meaning, neither divorcing her so that she can marry another or leaving her without a husband because he is not fulfilling his duty of having intercourse with her. Ahkaam al-Qur’aan, 1/374 Shaykh al-Islam (may Allaah have mercy on him) said: It is obligatory upon the husband to have intercourse with his wife according to what will satisfy her, so long as this will not harm him physically, or keep him from earning a living, and that is not restricted to four months. Al-Ikhtiyaaraat al-Fiqhiyyah, p. 246. It is obligatory for the wife to obey her husband if he calls her to his bed. If she refuses she is sinning. It was narrated from Abu Hurayrah (may Allaah be pleased with him) that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “If a man calls his wife to his bed, and 194
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she refuses to come, the angels curse her until morning comes.” Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 3065; Muslim, 1436. Shaykh al-Islam [Ibn Taymiyah] said: She must obey him if he asks her to come to his bed, and that is obligatory upon her. If she refuses to come to his bed, she is a defiant sinner… as Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning): “As to those women on whose part you see illconduct, admonish them (first), (next) refuse to share their beds, (and last) beat them (lightly, if it is useful); but if they return to obedience, seek not against them means (of annoyance)” [al-Nisa’ 4:34] al-Fataawa al-Islamiyyah, 3/145, 146 It is not permissible for a husband to force his wife to do more than she is able to bear of intercourse. If she has an excuse such as being sick or unable to bear it, then she is not sinning if she refuses to have intercourse. Ibn Hazm said: It is obligatory on slave women and free women alike not to refuse their masters or husbands if they call them, so long as the woman who is called is not menstruating or sick in such a way that intercourse will be harmful to her, or observing an obligatory fast. If she refuses with no excuse, then she is cursed. Al-Muhalla, 10/40 Al-Bahooti said:
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The husband has the right to enjoy intimacy with his wife at any time… so long as he does not distract her from obligatory religious duties or harm her. In that case he does not have the right to intimacy with her without her permission, because that is contrary to the idea of reasonable and kind treatment. So long as he does not distract her from that and does not harm her, then he has the right to intimacy. Kashf al-Qinaa’, 5/189 The wife whose husband harms her by having intercourse with her too much can agree with her husband the number of times that she can bear. If he does more than that to the point that he harms her, she can refer the matter to the qaadi (judge), and the qaadi can determine the number of times that the husband and wife should stick to. Shaykh al-Islam Ibn Taymiyah said: The husband should have intercourse with his wife according to what satisfies her, so long as that does not harm him physically or keep him from earning a living; it is not limited to four months. If they argue, then the judge should decide on the number of times, just as the judge should decide on the level of spending on a wife. Al-Ikhtiyaaraat al-Fiqhiyyah, p. 246 Because there are no sharee’ah courts nowadays in your country, the wife should try to come to an agreement with her husband on this matter, so she should speak to him frankly and remind him of the verses and ahaadeeth that command the husband to be kind to his wife. She should explain to him that she is only refusing because of the harm that is being caused to her, and that she is very keen to obey him and respond to his desires. Our advice to the 196
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sister is that she should be patient with her husband and put up with it as much as she can, and she should note that she will be rewarded for that by Allaah. The husband has to fear Allaah with regard to his wife, and not make her do more than she is able to do. He should be kind to his wife and treat her in a reasonable manner. If his desire is so strong that one wife is not enough for him, then why does he not try to look for a solution to this problem that is affecting his relationship with his wife, or which may lead to something even worse, which would be looking to satisfy his desire in haraam ways? One of the solutions that would help to solve this problem is to take a second wife. Allaah has permitted men to marry up to four, on condition that he treat them all fairly. Another solution would be to fast a lot, because fasting reduces desire. And another solution would be to take medicine that will reduce his desire, subject to the condition that this will not cause him any harm. And Allaah is the One Whom we ask to set the Muslims’ affairs straight. And Allaah knows best. Islam Q&A (www.islam-qa.com) Question Reference Number:: 23390 Title: Her husband is not satisfying her sexual desire Question: I know that I am supposed to go to him when he calls me to his room, even if I’m not in the apropriate mood. I also know that lying is a despicable thing, but pleasing my husband is utmost on my mind. So is it wrong of me to 197
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fake having a sexual climax with my husband? This is a terrible problem for me, because I don’t want to lie, but it embarasses my husband if he cannot fulfill my pleasure. This pretending is hard to stop, and also extremely embarassing for me to admit to my husband. Please help me, and also remember me in your du’ahs. Answer: Praise be to Allaah. We ask Allaah to reward you with good for your patience and for fulfilling your husband’s desires in obedience to the command of your Lord. The solution to the problem you mention is by speaking frankly. That does not mean embarrassing your husband or accusing him of being inconsiderate. This problem often stems from the fact that the husband is not aware that there is a problem at all, not from the fact that he is inconsiderate. The husband may go ahead and have intercourse and not pay attention to some things that he should be doing, one of which is fulfilling his wife’s needs. Perhaps you could benefit by reading some books on the topic which explain the basis of the relationship and intimacy between a man and a woman such as Tuhfat al‘Aroos by Mahmood Mahdi Istanbuli. The point is that there is nothing wrong with speaking to your husband about this matter, and suggesting that he read about it. Speaking frankly is preferable to suffering in this manner, and the problem can be solved easily. This does not excuse the woman from sharing some of the responsibility. She also has things that she must do, such as adorning herself for her husband, being loving towards him and encouraging him to be intimate with her. 198
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We ask Allaah to set the Muslims’ affairs straight. And Allaah knows best. Islam Q&A (www.islam-qa.com) Question Reference Number:: 21898 Title: She is a new Muslim and is complaining about her husband Question: I am a woman, who al-Hamdulillah, Allah guided to the straight path of Islam. I do my best to follow Allahs deen, but I need some advise on some problems in relation to my husband. I must tell you that the situation in our marriage is somewhat strained. Only a few months ago I came to the point when I asked my husband for a divorce because he neglected his Salaat even though he had been told about his duties, and he also had developed a bad habit of threatening with divorce and actually throwing me out of the house when he lost his temper. But when he realised that I was actually going to leave him, he repented and changed his ways, so I withdrew my question and returned. But there is still some tension between us. This is mostly due to the fact that as it is today, my husbands eeman is weaker than mine. I do not think I am perfect, and I know I also make mistakes. But I constantly see my husband doing things that are wrong (both things haram and makruh), and I cannot restrain myself and not speak to him about it. This is for example like using bad language in front of our daughter, or biting and kissing her in places where she should rather learn shyness, etc. When I tell him that it is not good to do these things, and sometimes 199
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I am able to give evidence from Qur’an and Sunna, he will either say that he knows this, and then continue with what he is doing, or become angry and tell me to mind my own business. This is a source of irritation for both me and my husband, and we are losing patience with each other. My question is: What is my test from Allah here? Is it not my duty to inform or remind him of what is right when I know it? Or should I be patient with him and wait till he finds out for himself, because he has started to read Islamic books. The reason I need some advise on this issue, is that my husband is getting quite annoyed with these reminders, and I am losing patience and becoming angry when he doesen’t listen. Please try to give some advise, and please show the evidence from Qur’an or Sunnah that you lay to ground for your advise. Answer: Praise be to Allaah. We praise Allaah for having blessed you and guided you to obey Him and please Him, and that your husband has been guided to change the way he treats you. We hope that this will give you hope that your husband will improve and mend his ways, in sha Allah. You should note that a righteous woman can change many of her husband’s attitude and habits, if she goes about doing so in a wise and kindly manner, without being hasty. Some husbands are put off by repeated advice from their wives, especially if that is in the presence of their children, because they may see that as an affront to their dignity or a belittling of their character. Hence you should pay proper attention to that, and choose the right moment to advise him from time to time. You 200
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should also be kind and loving towards him when offering advice, in the hope that he will respond. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning): “Invite (mankind, O Muhammad) to the way of your Lord (i.e. Islam) with wisdom (i.e. with the Divine Revelation and the Qur’aan) and fair preaching, and argue with them in a way that is better” [al-Nahl 16:125] And the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Kindness is not present in a thing but it makes it beautiful, and it is not missing from a thing but it makes it ugly.” (Narrated by Muslim, 2594, from the hadeeth of ‘Aa’ishah, may Allaah be pleased with her). The husband is the most deserving of people to be treated kindly, because of his status and position. We advise you to use various means to accomplish your mission, such as giving him some tapes and books, or bringing them home and leaving them near him, turning to Allaah and asking Him to put things right between you and to open your husband’s heart so that he will know the truth and act in accordance with it. And Allaah knows best. Islam Q&A (www.islam-qa.com) Question Reference Number:: 8986 Title: Imagining intercourse between spouses Question: Can a husband or wife think sexually with the one’s spouse when they are apart i.e. far away for time being.
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Answer: Praise be to Allaah. Yes it is permissible for each spouse to think of the other, but we must explain the following points with regard to this matter: 1 – The Muslim should not keep away from his wife for more than six months, as stipulated by Ameer alMu’mineen ‘Umar ibn al-Khattaab (may Allaah be pleased with him), as was narrated by ‘Abd al-Razzaaq in his Musannaf, 7/152. If a Muslim is away for longer than that, then both parties may fall into temptation and be affected by whispers from the Shaytaan. This may lead to thinking about haraam things, and after thinking about such things he may be provoked into satisfying his desires, and this may lead him to falling into haraam – Allaah forbid. Desire has power over a person’s mind and this may lead him to look at pictures or haraam things. 2 – The Muslim must break the power of his desire by fasting, lowering his gaze, avoiding temptation and turning away from it. He must fear Allaah as Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning): “and follow not the footsteps of Shaytaan (Satan). Verily, he is to you an open enemy” [al-Baqarah 2:168] 3 – Another issue that has to do with this topic is that it is not permissible for a woman to describe another (nonmahram) woman to her husband, so that he will not imagine her as if he is looking at her. 202
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It was narrated that Ibn Mas’ood (may Allaah be pleased with him) said: The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “No woman should look at or touch another woman to describe her to her husband as if he can see her.” (Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 4942). And Allaah knows best. Islam Q&A (www.islam-qa.com) Question Reference Number:: 21684 Title: Wife disposing of her own money without her husband’s knowledge Question: My sister works in Saudi and wants to invest part of her salary in a project on the basis that this money is my money and she will give me the profits whilst the capital remains hers, on the basis that I will lend her this money and she will invest it, but without her husband’s knowledge. Is she or am I doing anything haraam? Please advise us. Answer: Praise be to Allaah. There is no sin on your sister if she gives you money as a loan for you to invest and benefit from the results on the basis that the capital will remain your sister’s. But if your sister wants to share the profit with you whilst she is keeping the capital as is, that is not permitted, because this comes under the heading of “every loan that brings benefits is riba.” It is not necessary for her husband to 203
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know about your giving her the money, because the money is her own and he has no right to any part of it unless she gives it willingly. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning): “And give to the women (whom you marry) their Mahr (obligatory bridal-money given by the husband to his wife at the time of marriage) with a good heart; but if they, of their own good pleasure, remit any part of it to you, take it, and enjoy it without fear of any harm (as Allaah has made it lawful)” [al-Nisa’ 4:4] But by way of kind treatment and because men are more experienced and kanowledgeable in matters of business, our advice is that the husband should be told about what his wife is doing and how she is disposing of her wealth. Shaykh ‘Abd-Allaah al-Jibreen said: The wife owns her wealth and she has the right to dispose of it. She may give it as gifts, give it in charity, pay off her debts, give up her rights to money that she is owed or give up her right to inheritance to whomever she wants, whether relatives or others. Her husband has no right to object if she is mature and of sound mind. Her husband does not have the right to dispose of any of her wealth except with her consent. (Fataawa al-Mar’ah alMuslimah, 2/674). And Allaah knows best. Islam Q&A (www.islam-qa.com) Question Reference Number:: 10089 Title: Husband asking his wife how she disposed of the mahr Question: Does the husband have the right to question his wife and 204
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ask her how she spent the mahr that belongs to her? My husband is asking about every part of my mahr, great and small, because he divided the mahr into two parts, one part for me and the other to prepare for marriage and buy clothes. Answer: Praise be to Allaah. It is not permissible for a husband to question his wife about the mahr which he gave to her, because this is her right and a debt on him which he has to give to her. In return for this small amount of money which Allaah has granted to the woman, the right of qiwaamah (being in charge, being the protector and maintainer) is taken from her and given to her husband. So his spending on her is in return for something very precious and the mahr and spending on her is in return for that qiwaamah. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning): “Men are the protectors and maintainers of women, because Allaah has made one of them to excel the other, and because they spend (to support them) from their means” [al-Nisa’ 4:34] Imam al-Tabari (may Allaah have mercy on him) said: “Men are the ones who are in charge of their womenfolk, disciplining them and making them fulfil their obligations towards Allaah and towards themselves. ‘Because Allaah has made one of them to excel the other’ means, because Allaah has given men an advantage over their wives because of the mahr which they give to them, and because they spend on them from their own money, and they take 205
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care of them. This is the way in which Allaah has caused them to excel them. Hence they are in charge of them and women are expected to obey their husbands. Tafseer al-Tabari, 5/57 So the mahr is the woman’s right, just as qiwaamah is the man’s right. Just as she should not disobey him because of that qiwaamah, so he should give her her rights. Men must fear Allaah with regard to their wives’ mahr and give them their mahrs. For women are weak, so men should give them their rights. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning): “O you who believe! Fulfil (your) obligations” [al-Maa’idah 5:1] And indeed the marriage contract is one of the most important contracts which the Muslims are obliged to fulfil. It was narrated that ‘Uqbah ibn ‘Aamir (may Allaah be pleased with him) said: The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “The conditions which most deserve to be fulfilled are those by means of which intimacy becomes permissible to you.” (Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 2520; Muslim, 2542) So long as a woman has taken possession of this money in this manner, her husband has no right to force her to spend it in a particular way, unless she is spending it on something haraam, in which case he has the right to stop her from spending it in haraam ways. Our advice to you is to deal with your husband gently and calmly when he questions you about the mahr, lest a 206
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dispute concerning this matter be the cause of letting the Shaytaan come between you, especially when you are at the beginning of your married life, which should be based on harmony and tolerance on both sides towards any shortcomings or transgressions on the other side. We ask Allaah to decree for you a happy life filled with obedience to Allaah and following his laws. And Allaah knows best. Islam Q&A (www.islam-qa.com) Question Reference Number:: 21195 Title: Ruling on intercourse in the bathroom Question:
Is it permissible for a man to have intercourse with his wife without a cover? Is it permissible to have intercourse in the bathroom? Answer: Praise be to Allaah. Yes, it is permissible for a man to have intercourse with his wife without a cover, and it is also permissible to have intercourse in the bathroom, but that means that he will be going against the Sunnah by not mentioning Allaah beforehand. Perhaps you know that the Sunnah, when a man wants to have intercourse with his wife, is to say, “Bismillaah, Allaahumma jannibna al-Shaytaana wa jannib al-Shaytaana ma razaqtana (In the name of Allaah, O Allaah, keep the Shaytaan away from us and keep the Shaytaan away from that with which You may bless us).” Perhaps you also know that it is not right to mention the name of Allaah in places where you relieve yourself, so 207
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how can the one who has intercourse in the bathroom recite this dhikr? Unless he is going to go out, recite this dhikr and then go back in. Shaykh Sa’d al-Humayd (www.islam-qa.com) Question Reference Number:: 13621 Title: Mention of sensitive words between husband and wife in bed Question: concerning the issue of pleasure whilst having intercourse or playing with ones wife then if the wife and /or the husband find increased pleasure in using words to describe what they are doing to one another in particular by using words that they would not odinarily use in the gatherings of people or otherwise, because the words would be considered vulger and keeping in mind the hadith of the Prophet SAW regarding him SAW disliking vulgar words and never used such words, are these type of slang words which are the names of the private parts eg . a slang word to describe the vagina and similarly a slang word to describe the male counterpart is the use of such words in an intention to exite the patener permissible taking the above mentioned hadith into account . or does it fall under the catagory of what is haram in the intimate relationship between ones wife is clear from the texts eg . anal intercourse etc . . Therefore because of the rule of where there is no evidence to make such talk impermissible then we should not become pardantic keeping in mind the hadith regarding the one who is pardantic is destroyed . Or does the genral rule of the vulger words override this opinion, and if so then the question is that to name the private parts to ones wife is this impermissible, wheteher using technical words such as vagina or slang / common words? 208
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Answer: Praise be to Allaah. The Muslim should refrain from obscenity in all his dealings, whether that has to do with words or deeds, but if he cannot reach a permissible objective without mentioning something that people usually feel too shy to mention, then it is acceptable. It says in the hadeeth of Maa’iz that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) mentioned some words that he did not ordinarily use. But if there is no need for that and those words are not haraam, such as swearing and insulting, then it is better not to say them. In that case they are more likely to be makrooh. So in that case there is nothing wrong with saying what was mentioned in the question, so long as the husband and wife do not use the same kind of words in front of their children or anyone else. Shaykh ‘Abd al-Kareem al-Khudayr (www.islam-qa.com) Question Reference Number:: 21745 Title: Is it permissible for him to have intercourse with his wife in the bathroom? Question: What is the ruling on a man having intercourse with his wife in the bathroom? Some people take a bath with their wives and may become aroused. What is the answer? Answer: Praise be to Allaah. My brother, may Allaah help you to do that which is good and make you satisfied with that 209
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which He has permitted you so that you will have no need of that which He has forbidden. What you have mentioned in your question may be answered by noting the following : 1 – The modern kinds of washrooms in modern houses such as those in your country differ greatly from the places used in the past for relieving oneself, which were places where dirt, filth and impurities collected. Modern washrooms are not like that, rather they can be kept clean and there is no impurity in them. Therefore they are not like the places that people used for relieving themselves in the past, and there are obvious differences between them. On this basis there is no real reason why one should not fulfil one’s sexual desire in such places when necessary, in the manner that you mentioned. 2 – A man’s fulfilling his sexual desire with his wife may often happen as the result of stimulation, by looking or touching etc. Hence fulfilling his desire when it is provoked in such situations is a means of keeping himself chaste and lowering his gaze [from looking at other women]. This is what the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) taught us to do, according to the hadeeth narrated by Muslim (1403) from Jaabir, who says that the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) saw a woman and he came to his wife Zaynab, whilst she was tanning a skin and preparing it for dyeing, and he fulfilled his need. Then he went out to his companions and said: “Woman comes and goes in the shape of a devil [i.e., she causes temptation], so if any one of you sees a woman, let him go and have intercourse with his wife, for that will take away what he feels in his heart.” This was also narrated by Ahmad, 19403; Ibn Maajah, 1853. Ibn Hibbaan narrated in his Saheeh, 4171, that ‘Abd-Allaah ibn Abi Awfa said: “The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: 210
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‘No woman fulfils all her duties towards Allaah until she fulfils all her duties towards her husband. If he asks her [for his conjugal rights] even when she is on the back of a camel, she should respond to him.’” 3 – At the same time, the Muslim should not forget, when his desire is provoked, to bear in mind the intention of keeping chaste and of enjoying that which is good and permissible. Then doing that will be an act of charity and righteousness on his part, as the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “In the intimacy of any one of you there is charity.” They said, “O Messenger of Allaah, if any one of us fulfils his desire will there be reward for him in that?” He said, “Do you not see that if he does it in a haraam way, that will be a sin on him? So if he does it in a halaal way, he will be rewarded for that.” (Narrated by Muslim, 1006, from the hadeeth of Abu Dharr). A man should also recite the du’aa’ that was narrated from the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) for this situation. The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “When any one of you wants to have intercourse with his wife, let him say: ‘Bismillaah, Allaahumma jannibna alShaytaana wa jannib al-Shaytaana ma razaqtana (In the name of Allaah, O Allaah, keep the Shaytaan away from us and from that with which You may bless us)’, then if it is decreed that they should have a child from that, the Shaytaan will never be able to harm him.” (Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 6388; Muslim, 1434, from the hadeeth of ‘Abd-Allaah ibn ‘Abbaas). May Allaah grant you strength and bless you. Dr. ‘Abd al-Wahhaab ibn Naasir al-Turaydi. (www.islam-qa.com)
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Question Reference Number:: 11933 Title: He mistreated his wife so as make her register the car in his name Question: Wife had some money from her scholarship which was with her brother. After marriage, she asked him to invest in his buisness and give her the share.Investment was not succesful, so he returned the money later and both husband and wife bought a car with that money. Later they left the country and husband’s brother used the car and paid almost only half the price. The confusion is that :— Is it unIslamic for the wife to not give that money in husband’s hand at the first place? Was it obligatory for her to assign that car to husband’s name instead of her own? Is it Islamic for her husband to misbehave and not fulfil the basic needs of her because of that action. Is it not husband’s duty to be responsible for all basic needs of kids and wife? Is it flexible for him? Is it only sadaqa from his side, if he spends? Answer: Praise be to Allaah. She does not have to give the money to her husband. Her money is hers, unless she willingly gives up something to her husband or her brother or to someone else. She does not have to register her car in her husband’s name unless she has given it to him willingly. On this basis it is not permissible for her husband to mistreat her in order 212
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to make her give up some of her wealth. He is obliged to spend on her from his wealth, not from her wealth, and to find her safe and suitable housing, just like any other husband. The same applies to his children. If he spends on them seeking thereby reward from Allaah, he will get that, if Allaah wills, even though that is regarded as his duty. Shaykh ‘Abd al-Kareem al-Khudayr. (www.islam-qa.com) Question Reference Number:: 26168 Title: She cannot leave her husband who does not pray Question: My problem is my husband. He does not pray and he drinks, and I have the feeling that he is having an affair. Sometimes he travels on his own or I find pictures of him with a girl, and he tells me that he married her on one of his trips, and I believe that he is telling the truth. After a while he said that he has divorced her because the distance was too great and he couldn’t afford it. A while after that I found a negative which is clearly a picture of him with the girl but he made some excuse. The point is that I cannot leave him because we have two children and for other reasons which I believe are because of me. When I married him, about eight years ago, he was not like that, but sex was extremely important to him and I was circumcised so it took me a long time to respond to him… Now I want to make the most of this blessed month [Ramadaan] to try to guide him. I hope that you can advise me of the steps I may take especially if there are any practical ways, because speaking to him doesn’t do any good. I have tried that and it was no use. May Allaah reward you with good.? 213
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Answer: Praise be to Allaah. If your husband does not pray, then it is not permissible for you to stay married to him or to let him be intimate with you. That could be a means of guiding him, but you have to stay away from him because of his not praying. As for the ways by means of which you can try to guide him, there are many such ways, such as bringing home some tapes which speak of matters that are of concern to him, such as reminders of how quickly this life passes, the transient nature of this world, its insignificance, the dangers of following one’s whims and desires and how that leads to a bad end, reminders of death, the resurrection, Paradise and Hell, the blessings of obeying Allaah, the bad consequences of disobeying Him, the peace of mind that comes from obeying Allaah, and the sense of alienation felt by sinners. You could also put him in touch with some daa’iyahs and good people and the imaam of a mosque, and let them visit him, and try to get him to make friends with some righteous people who can help him and encourage him to do good, and explain to him the dangers of keeping company with bad people, etc. Shaykh Sa’d al-Humayd. (www.islam-qa.com) Question Reference Number:: 21676 Title: Foreplay with one’s wife using one’s finger Question: Is it permissable for the husband to insert his finger into his wife’s rectum and to fondle it during intercourse. Answer: Praise be to Allaah. 214
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I do not see any reason not to do that, so long as it is done with the left hand. Shaykh ‘Abd al-Kareem al-Khudayr. (www.islamqa.com) Question Reference Number:: 11906 Title: Taking fertility drugs Question: Is it disliked or Haraam to take fertility drugs to icrease your liklihood of conceiving? Answer: Praise be to Allaah. If the drugs are made from permissible and pure substances then it is o.k. to take them, but the woman should inform her husband of that. Fatwa of Shaykh ‘Abd-Allaah al-Ghadyaan. (www.islamqa.com) Question Reference Number:: 12662 Title: How to repent from having intercourse with one’s wife after her period has ended and before she has done ghusl Question: I went through all the Questions and Answers relating to Masturbation and Having Intercourse after the Periods but without her Ghusl. I just wanted the clarification for
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the above in the sense, Is there any Repentance like Dua or anything to overcome the Sin he or she has committed? Answer: Praise be to Allaah. Having intercourse with a menstruating woman in her vagina is haraam, because Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning): “They ask you concerning menstruation. Say: that is an Adha (a harmful thing for a husband to have a sexual intercourse with his wife while she is having her menses), therefore, keep away from women during menses” [alBaqarah 2:222] Whoever does that has to seek the forgiveness of Allaah and repent to Him, and he has to give a dinar or half a dinar in charity as expiation for what he has done. Ahmad and the authors of al-Sunan narrated with a jayyid isnaad from Ibn ‘Abbaas (may Allaah be pleased with him) that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Whoever has intercourse with his wife when she is menstruating should give a dinar or half a dinar in charity.” Whichever you give is sufficient. It is not permissible to have intercourse with one’s wife after she has become pure, i.e., after the bleeding has stopped, and before she has done ghusl, because Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning): “and go not unto them till they are purified (from menses and have taken a bath)” [al-Baqarah 2:222] Allaah has not given permission for a man to have 216
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intercourse with a menstruating woman until her bleeding stops and she purifies herself, i.e., does ghusl. Whoever has intercourse with his wife before she has done ghusl has committed a sin and has to offer expiation (kafaarah). See Fataawa al-‘Ulama’ fi ‘Ushrat al-Nisa’, p. 51 Fatwa al-Lajnah al-Daa’imah With regard to the way to rid oneself of sins that a man and woman have committed, please see Question No. 14289, 329. You have to repent to Allaah for going against the prohibition mentioned in this aayah and for not paying heed to the words (interpretation of the meaning): “And when they have purified themselves, then go in unto them as Allaah has ordained for you” [al-Baqarah 2:222] That is done by regretting what has happened and resolving not to do it again, and by doing a lot of good deeds, for good deeds wipe out bad deeds. And Allaah is Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful. Islam Q&A Sheikh Muhammed Salih Al-Munajjid (www.islamqa.com) Question Reference Number:: 12544 Title: The first wife’s approval is not a condition for marrying a second wife Question: My question is if you would help me to know the Hadith or the point of vieuw from the Islamic law on the follwing situation. 217
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If a woman is married to a man and that this man is also married to an other woman without her, the last, knows about this marriage. No need to say that this is a difficult and very exceptional situation but seems the best concerning the circumstances? Answer: Praise be to Allaah. The wife’s approval is not a condition for plural marriage, and it is not obligatory for the husband to have the approval of his first wife if he wants to marry a second wife. But it is good manners and kind treatment to approach the issue in such a way as to reduce the pain which women naturally feel in such cases, by smiling at her, greeting her warmly, speaking nicely to her and spending money on her according to his means, in order to gain her approval. Fataawa Islamiyyah, 3/204. If a husband takes a second wife, he has to treat his wives equally as far as possible. If he does not treat them equally then he is exposing himself to a stern warning, for it was narrated from Abu Hurayrah that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Whoever has two wives and inclines more towards one of them than the other, will come on the Day of Resurrection with half of his body leaning.” (narrated by al-Nisaa’i, ‘Ushrat alNisaa’, 3881; classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in Saheeh Sunan al-Nasaa’i, no. 3682). When Allaah permitted us to marry more than one woman, He said (interpretation of the meaning): “but if you fear that you shall not be able to deal justly (with them), then only one or (slaves) that your right hands 218
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possess. That is nearer to prevent you from doing injustice”[al-Nisaa’ 4:3] So Allaah commands that a man should restrict himself to one wife, if he knows that he cannot be just. And Allaah is the source of strength. See Fataawa Manaar al-Islam, 2/570. Islam Q&A Sheikh Muhammed Salih Al-Munajjid (www.islamqa.com) Question Reference Number:: 13661 Title: Why should the wife obey her husband? Question: Why is it that when people get married the women has to do what the man says ? Answer: Praise be to Allaah. What the Muslim has to do when he learns the ruling of Islam is to submit to it and believe in it even if he does not know the wisdom behind it. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning): “It is not for a believer, man or woman, when Allaah and His Messenger have decreed a matter that they should have any option in their decision. And whoever disobeys Allaah and His Messenger, he has indeed strayed into a plain error”[al-Ahzaab 33:36]
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He should be certain that there is the utmost wisdom behind all the rulings of Islam, but that wisdom may be hidden and he may not understand it. In that case he should realize that this is due to his lack of knowledge and the shortcomings of human intellect, which is not free of defects. When a man and a woman come together in marriage and live together, there are bound to be differences in opinion between them, and one party must have the final say in order to resolve the issue, otherwise the differences will multiply and disputes will increase. So there has to be someone in charge, otherwise the marriage will founder. Hence Islam made the husband the protector and maintainer of the wife and gave him the responsibility of heading the household, because he is more perfect in rational thinking than her in most cases. This means that it is obligatory for her to obey him. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning): “Men are the protectors and maintainers of women, because Allaah has made one of them to excel the other, and because they spend (to support them) from their means” [al-Nisaa’ 4:34] Among the reasons for that are the following: 1 – Men are more able to bear this responsibility, just as women are more able than men to take care of the children and the household affairs. So each of them has his or her natural role and position. 2 – In Islam, men are obliged to spend on their wives; the wife does not have to work or earn a living. Even if she has an independent income or she becomes rich, the husband is still obliged to spend on her as much as she 220
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needs. Because he bears the responsibility of spending, he is made the protector and maintainer of his wife and is put in charge (of the household). Hence we see chaos in the societies which go against that: men do not shoulder the responsibility of spending on their wives, and wives are not obliged to obey their husbands; they go out of the home whenever they want and leave the marital nest empty and neglect their children. A woman has to work hard even if that is at the expense of her house and family. We should also take note of the following points: 1 – The woman will be rewarded by Allaah for her obedience to her husband. 2 – This obedience should not involve disobeying Allaah. The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “There is no obedience to any created being if it involves disobedience towards the Creator.” 3 – Just as the husband has the right to be obeyed, Islam also tells him to treat his wife kindly. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning): “And they (women) have rights (over their husbands as regards living expenses) similar (to those of their husbands) over them (as regards obedience and respect) to what is reasonable” [al-Baqarah 2:228] So he should not mistreat or oppress her, or issue harsh commands to her. Rather he should deal with her in a wise manner, and tell her to do things which are in her interests, his interests and the interests of the household, in a kind and gentle manner.
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The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “The best of you is the one who is best to his wife, and I am the best of you to my wives.”. Islam Q&A Sheikh Muhammed Salih Al-Munajjid (www.islamqa.com) Question Reference Number:: 12324 Title: A husband does not have to assume responsibility for his wife’s own debts Question: A woman is now married but before she was married she had a lot of debts. Her husband knows about her debts and agreed BEFORE the marriage that he cannot afford to pay for her debts and maybe he will if there are any extra income/money. 1. Is the debt on her husband’s shoulder’s now and will he be responsible for her debt in Akhirah? 2. If she is allowed to help her husband with his work and gets paid for it should she herself pay for her debts? 3. What will happen to both of them if they don’t pay her debts on time and die ? Answer: Praise be to Allaah. The debts owed by this woman are her responsibility; her husband has nothing to do with it and he is not responsible for it. If she is helping her husband with his work and getting paid for that, then she has to try to pay off her debt from 222
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these wages or otherwise. If they both die and neither of them had paid off the debt, then this woman will remain accountable for it, and Allaah will settle the score between her and those to whom it is owed, unless they forgive her in this world; or Allaah will compensate them because of her good intention to pay it off, as it says in the hadeeth: “Whoever takes people’s money but he intends to pay it back, Allaah will pay it back on their behalf, but whoever takes it and intends to destroy it, Allaah will destroy him.” Shaykh Sa’d al-Humayd. (www.islam-qa.com) Question Reference Number:: 21137 Title: Dispute concerning a wife visiting her family Question: There is a woman whom Allaah has honoured with a husband who is very good. He is one of those who has the quality of gheerah (protective jealousy), but it may have gone too far. After her sister got married, he stopped allowing her to go to her father’s house, because her sister and her husband live in the same house, saying that he [the sister’s husband] might see her, although when she goes to her father’s house she sits in a separate room where her sister’s husband cannot come if she is there. If he does let her go, it is only for a very short time, and he does not let her take her abayah off, thinking that her sister’s husband might see her, even though in fact that is not possible, because her family are conservative, in sha Allaah. So the question is: is what this husband is doing correct according to sharee’ah, and is his jealousy appropriate, or is it a kind of waswasah (insinuating whisper from the Shaytaan)? Is there is a set limit within which the husband has no right to prevent his wife from 223
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visiting her father – I mean such as a maximum limit – or not? Could the husband be asked to let his wife visit her family, say, once or twice a week? Please advise us, may Allaah reward you? Answer: Praise be to Allaah. 1 – If visits could be made at times when the sister’s husband is not at home, this may help to solve the problem. 2 – Perhaps the visits could be done the other way round, with her family coming to visit her. 3 – There may be something that happened to give rise to doubts in the husband’s mind, or it may be a kind of waswasah. 4 – The length of visits should be referred to custom and to mutual agreement between the spouses. The wife should always be advised to fear Allaah with regard to her husband; she should strive to obey him and to protect the family atmosphere from disintegrating as a result of the hatred caused by each party clinging to his or her point of view concerning the length of visits and so on. Shaykh Sa’d al-Humayd. (www.islam-qa.com) Question Reference Number:: 13698 Title: Is it permissible to walk naked in a locked room after having intercourse? Question: I was reading your page on “Disallowed Matters”. There is one section that says you can not walk naked. What 224
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about if are in the privacy of your bedroom, separate from the whole house, with the door closed. After intercourse with your spouse. Answer: Praise be to Allaah. If the situation is as described in the question, then that is permissible, because it is permissible for each of them to look at the other with the intention of enjoyment. See question no. 3801. And it was narrated from the Prophet SAWS (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) that a man should cover his ‘awrah except from his wife and female slave (concubine). It was narrated that Bahz ibn Hakeem said: my father told me from my grandfather, who said: “I said, ‘O Messenger of Allaah, with regard to our ‘awrah, from whom should we cover it?’ He said, ‘Cover your ‘awrah from everyone except your wife or (the slave woman) whom your right hand possesses.’ He asked, ‘What if a man is with another man?’ He said, ‘If you can avoid letting anyone see that, then do that.’ He asked, ‘What if a man is on his own?’ He said, ‘Allaah is more deserving that he should be modest before Him.’” (Narrated by alTirmidhi, al-Adab, 2693; classed as hasan by al-Albaani in Saheeh Sunan al-Tirmidhi, no. 222). The hadeeth indicates that a person should cover up when he is alone. And Allaah knows best. Islam Q&A Sheikh Muhammed Salih Al-Munajjid (www.islam-qa.com)
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Question Reference Number:: 13486 Title: Is it permissible for husband and wife to remove their clothes when sleeping? What effect does that have on tahaarah (purity, cleanliness)? Question: I would like to know whether sleeping naked with your spouse is permitted in Islam? If yes, then if you embrace each other while sleeping will you have to do ghusal before prayers or just wudoo would do? Answer: Praise be to Allaah. (1) With regard to the first part of the question, that is permissible for the couple. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning): “And those who guard their chastity (i.e. private parts, from illegal sexual acts) Except from their wives or (the slaves) that their right hands possess, for then, they are free from blame” [alMu’minoon 23:5-6] Imaam Ibn Hazm (may Allaah have mercy on him) said: Allaah commands us to guard our chastity except from our wives or (the slaves) that our right hands possess; there is no blame in that case. This is general and includes seeing, touching and interacting.” (al-Muhalla, 9/165) With regard to (evidence from) the Sunnah, it is narrated that ‘Aa’ishah (may Allaah be pleased with her) said: “The 226
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Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) and I used to do ghusl from one vessel placed between me and him. He would hasten until I would say, ‘Leave some for me, leave some for me.’”(Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 258; Muslim, 321 – this version narrated by Muslim). Al-Haafiz Ibn Hajar said: al-Dawoodi took this as evidence to indicate that it is permissible for a man to look at the ‘awrah of his wife and vice versa. This is supported by the report narrated by Ibn Hibbaan from Sulaymaan ibn Moosa, who was asked about a man looking at his wife’s private parts. He said, I asked ‘Ataa’ and he said: I asked ‘Aa’ishah and she mentioned this hadeeth. Al-Haafiz said: this is the definitive report on this matter. There is another hadeeth from the Sunnah, in which the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Guard your ‘awrah, except from your wives or those (slaves) whom your right hands possess.” (Narrated by Abu Dawood, 4017; al-Tirmidhi, 2769 – he classed it as hasan; Ibn Maajah, 1920. Narrated mu’allaqan by al-Bukhaari, 1/508). Al-Haafiz Ibn Hajar said, commenting on this hadeeth: what may be understood from the phrase ‘except from your wives’ is that it permissible for a wife to look at his (‘awrah) and by analogy that he is also permitted to look (at her ‘awrah). Ibn Hazm (may Allaah have mercy on him) said: It is halaal for a man to look at his womenfolk’s private parts – his wife and his female slave with whom he is permitted to have intercourse – and it is permissible for them to look at his private parts. There is no reservation at all concerning that. The proof of that is the well known reports narrated from ‘Aa’ishah, Umm Salamah and Maymoonah, the Mothers of the Believers (may Allaah be pleased with them), who narrated that they used to do 227
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ghusl with the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) to cleanse themselves from janaabah (impurity following sexual activity) from one vessel. The report of Maymoonah clearly indicates that he (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) was uncovered, because in her report it states that “he (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) dipped his hand into the vessel then poured water over his private parts and washed them with his left hand.” After this there is no need to follow the (mere) opinion of anyone. It is strange that some of those ignorant people who want to make things difficult allow intercourse but forbid looking at the private parts! (al-Muhalla, 9/165) Shaykh al-Albaani (may Allaah have mercy on him) said: Forbidding looking is a means of forbidding that which may lead to haraam intercourse. If Allaah has permitted a husband to have intercourse with his wife, how can it make sense that He would forbid him to look at her private parts?! No way. (al-Silsilah al-Da’eefah, 1/353 (2) With regard to the ruling on tahaarah (purity) in this case, embracing one another whilst sleeping, so long as it does not lead to emission of maniy (semen) or intercourse, does not necessitate ghusl. But if madhiy (prostatic fluid) is emitted, then the man has to wash his penis and testicles, and do wudoo’ for prayer, and the woman has to wash her private part and do wudoo’ likewise. And Allaah knows best. Islam Q&A Sheikh Muhammed Salih Al-Munajjid (www.islamqa.com) 228
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Question Reference Number:: 13778 Title: Mentioning husband’s or wife’s name in front of people Question: In many cultures a person is refered to as father of so and so or mother of so and so. Also generally women do not call their husband by name but refer to them as father of their eldest child’s name. Is there evidence in the quran and sunnah for such a thing and if not, how do this practice start? Is it islamically wrong for a woman to call her husband by his name or for a man to call his wife by her name when mentioning him/her? Answer: Praise be to Allaah. Firstly: Yes, it was proven that some of the Sahaabiyaat (female Sahaabah) mentioned their husband by their kunyahs (“father of So and so”). Examples of that include the following. It was narrated that ‘Awn Abu Juhayfah said: The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) established the bond of brotherhood between Salman and Abu’lDardaa’. Salmaan went to visit Abu’l-Dardaa’ and he saw Umm al-Dardaa’ looking unkempt. He said to her, “What is the matter with you?” She said, “Your brother Abu’lDardaa’ has no interest in this world.” Then Abu’l-Dardaa’ came (to visit Salmaan) and he made food for him, but he said, “I am fasting.” He said, “I will not eat until you 229
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eat.” So he ate. When night came, Abu’l-Dardaa’ went to stand in prayer. [Salmaan] said to him, “Go to sleep.” He slept a while, then he went to stand in prayer. [Salmaan] said to him, “Go to sleep.” When the end of the night came, Salmaan said to him, “Now get up.” They prayed, then Salmaan said “Your Lord has rights over you, your own self has rights over you and your family has rights over you. Give each one who has rights over you his rights.” [Abu’l-Dardaa’] came to the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) and told him about that, and the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said, “Salmaan spoke the truth.” (Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 1832) It was narrated that Faatimah bint Qays said: My husband Abu ‘Amr ibn Hafs ibn al-Mugheerah ‘Ayyaash ibn Rabee’ah sent word to me, divorcing me, and he sent with it five wasa’ of dates and five wasa’ of barley. I said, “Do I have no maintenance apart from this, and should I not spend my ‘iddah in your house?” He said, “No.” I got dressed and went to the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) . He said, “How many times has he divorced you (talaaq)?” I said, “Three.” He said, “He was right when he said that he does not have to spend on your maintenance.” (Narrated by Muslim, 2721) Secondly: With regard to a woman mentioning her husband by name, there is nothing wrong with that. For example: It was narrated that Zaynab, the wife of ‘Abd-Allaah (i.e., ibn Mas’ood) said: I was in the mosque and I saw the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him). He said, “Give in charity, even if it is from your jewellery.” 230
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Zaynab used to spend on ‘Abd-Allaah and on the orphans under her care. She said to ‘Abd-Allaah, “Ask the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) whether it is enough charity for me to spend on you and on the orphans under my care.” He said, “You go and ask the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him).” So she went to the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) and found a woman from among the Ansaar at the door, with a similar question. [Zaynab said:] Bilaal passed by us and we said, “Ask the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) whether it is charity enough for me to spend on my husband and the orphans under my care. But do not tell him who we are.” He went in and asked him. (The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him)) asked, “Who is it?” He said, “Zaynab”. He asked, “Which Zaynab?” He said, “The wife of ‘Abd-Allaah.” (The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him)) said, “Yes, she will have two rewards, the reward of upholding the ties of kinship and the reward of charity.” (Narrated by alBukhaari, 1373; Muslim, 1667) It was narrated that Khuwaylah bint Maalik ibn Tha’labah said: “My husband Aws ibn al-Saamit divorced me by zihaar [saying “you are to me as my mother’s back”], so I came and complained to the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him). The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) argued with me on his behalf and said, “Fear Allaah, for he is your cousin (son of your paternal uncle).” I did not leave before Allaah revealed the words (interpretation of the meaning): ‘Indeed Allaah has heard the statement of her (Khawlah bint Tha‘labah) that disputes with you (O Muhammad) concerning her husband (Aus bin AsSaamit),’[alMujaadilah 58:1] 231
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(Narrated by Abu Dawood, 1893; classed as saheeh by Ibn Hibbaan and al-Haakim. See Khalaasat al-Badr alMuneer, 2/229) Thirdly: With regard to saying one’s husband’s or wife’s name in front of other people, that depends on local custom (‘urf) of the people in any given society. In some societies, doing that is disliked, and in some societies it may even be seen as a lack of gheerah (protective jealousy). In the hadeeth of Ibn Mas’ood mentioned above, Bilaal (may Allaah be pleased with him) mentioned the wife of Ibn Mas’ood by name (Zaynab). If a woman is well known by her name and it is OK for people other than her husband to mention her by name, then how about her husband? It is preferable to mention people by their kunyah rather than their names in some societies, or in front of some people. Many problems arise from taking the matter of mentioning people’s names lightly. And Allaah is the Source of strength. Islam Q&A Sheikh Muhammed Salih Al-Munajjid (www.islamqa.com) Question Reference Number:: 22105 Title: A woman advising her husband to pray in congregation Question: If a woman advises her negligent husband to do his prayers in the mosque or she expresses anger with regard to that, 232
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is she guilty of sin, because his rights over her are so great? Answer: Praise be to Allaah. A woman is not guilty of sin if she advises her husband when he does something that Allaah has forbidden, such as taking the matter of prayer in congregation lightly or drinking intoxicants or staying up late at night. Rather she will be rewarded for that. What is prescribed is that the advice should be given in a kindly and polite manner, because that makes it more acceptable and more beneficial. Shaykh ‘Abd al-‘Azeez ibn ‘Abd-Allaah ibn Baaz (may Allaah have mercy on him) from Al-Hisbah magazine, issue no. 39, p. 15 (www.islam-qa.com) Question Reference Number:: 21725 Title: What is the ruling on a man having intercourse with his pregnant wife? Question: Asslamo-alaikum Please inform me if it is valid to have intercourse with my wife in advanced state of her being pregnant. She is at the moment in her 7th month.Jazzak Allah khair . Answer: Praise be to Allaah.
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It is permissible for a man to have intercourse with his pregnant wife whenever he wants, unless that will cause her harm, for it is haraam for him to do anything that will harm her. If it will not cause her harm but it is difficult for her, then it is better for him not to have intercourse with her, because avoiding things which are difficult for her is a kind of living with them honourably. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning): “and live with them honourably” [al-Nisaa’ 4:19] But it is haraam for a man to have intercourse with his wife when she is menstruating, or to have intercourse with her in her back passage, or to have intercourse with her when she is in nifaas (bleeding following childbirth). That is haraam and is not permitted, and a man must avoid that and do that which Allaah has permitted. If she is menstruating then he may enjoy her in other ways, apart from the vagina and back passage, because the Prophet SAWS (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Do whatever you like apart from intercourse.” (Narrated by Muslim, al-Hayd, 455). A fatwa of Ibn ‘Uthaymeen. Fataawa al-‘Ulamaa’ fi ‘Ushrat al-Nisaa’, p. 55 Islam Q&A Sheikh Muhammed Salih Al-Munajjid (www.islam-qa.com) Question Reference Number:: 13318 Title: Ruling on setting up a recorder to watch over a relative’s conversations Question: I have many brothers and sisters, so I use a telephone 234
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recording device to protect against wrongdoing and mischief. What do you think of this means, as this method has prevented wrongdoing in the past, noting that they are unaware of it? Answer: Praise be to Allaah. This question was put to Shaykh Muhammad ibn ‘Uthaymeen (may Allaah have mercy on him) and he said: I think that this is a kind of spying and it is not permissible for anyone to spy on anyone else, because we have no right the judge anybody except by what is apparent. If we start spying on people we will have a lot of headaches because of this spying and we will be upset by what we hear and see. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning) “And spy not” [al-Hujuraat 49:12] after saying (interpretation of the meaning), “O you who believe! Avoid much suspicion; indeed some suspicions are sins. And spy not” [alHujuraat 49:12]. But if the head of the household sees indications of these evil telephone calls, then there is nothing wrong with setting up a recording device without their knowledge, but he realizes that there is something going on, he should not keep quiet and keep listening, rather he should rebuke them straightaway, because if he communities to listen, because he may hear something that will upset him even more. For example, if he comes across a bad telephone conversation, he must rebuke the one who is doing it straight away, and not delay it until the next day; he must put a stop to it from the beginning. But with regard to mere suspicion based on waswaas 235
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(insinuating whispers of the Shaytaan), it is not permitted (for him to set up this device), but if he knows that the matter is serious and that it is actually happening, then it is OK to set up a recorder so as to find out what is going on. Fataawa Al-Liqa’ al-Shahri by Shaykh Muhammad ibn Saalih al-‘Uthaymeen no. 50 (www.islam-qa.com) Question Reference Number:: 9021 Title: What should be done when a husband withholds his wife’s rights in bed? Question: I find many topics concerning moslem women and the punishment of ignoring or avoiding their husband in sexual matters.But I would like to know the rights of a woman when this problem is visa-versa, and it’s the husband who is denying the wife of her right. And if the husband is ill, does he still not have the obligation towards his wife? Answer: Praise be to Allaah. When a husband deprives his wife of the right to intercourse, the scholars call this eelaa’. Eelaa’ means the vow of the husband who is able to have intercourse never to have intercourse with his wife, or not to have intercourse with her for more than four months. The evidence for that is the aayah (interpretation of the meaning): “Those who take an oath not to have sexual relation with 236
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their wives must wait for four months, then if they return (change their idea in this period), verily, Allaah is OftForgiving, Most Merciful[al-Baqarah 2:226] It was narrated that Ibn ‘Umar (may Allaah be pleased with him) used to say concerning eelaa’: “If the period of eelaa’ expires, then the husband has either to retain his wife in a handsome manner or to divorce her as Allaah has ordered” (al-Bukhaari, al-Talaaq, 4881) Eelaa’ is forbidden in Islam because it is a vow not to do something that is obligatory. It is in effect a vow not to have intercourse with one’s wife, either never again or for a period that exceeds four months; or else it means vowing that if one’s wife does not do a certain obligatory action or does a certain haraam action, he will not have intercourse with her. The fuqahaa’ also said that the one who does not have intercourse with his wife for more than four months without swearing an oath, in order to harm her and without having a valid excuse, also comes under the category of eelaa’. The ruling on this matter is: that if he has intercourse with his wife during that period, then he has “returned”, because “returning” in this context means intercourse and in this manner the woman has attained what she is entitled to from him. If he refuses to have intercourse after the stated time limit has expired, then the judge should order him to divorce her if his wife requests that. If he refuses to have intercourse and he refuses to divorce her, then the judge should issue a divorce and annul the marriage. And Allaah knows best. For more information refer to Zaad al-Ma’aad by Ibn alQayyim, vol. 5/344 237
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If it is the case that the husband is sick, please see Question No 1859, 5684 Islam Q&A Sheikh Muhammed Salih Al-Munajjid (www.islamqa.com) Question Reference Number:: 10831 Title: Her husband drinks alcohol – is she sinning by living with him? Question: What should a muslim wife do if her husband drinks alcohol. She has tried to make him stop, but he refuses. The only thing he has managed to do is lessen the frequency of his drinking. She is very observant in practicing the religion and fears that she may suffer punishment for her husband’s behavior. At the same time, she does love her husband and wants to preserve the relationship. What should she do in this case? Answer: Praise be to Allaah. Firstly, we advise this husband to repent to Allaah from drinking alcohol, because drinking alcohol is haraam according to the Book of Allaah, the Sunnah of His Messenger (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) and the consensus of the Muslims. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning): “O you who believe! Intoxicants (all kinds of alcoholic drinks), and gambling, and Al Ansaab [stone altars for 238
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offering sacrifices to idols etc.], and Al Azlaam (arrows for seeking luck or decision) are an abomination of Shaytaan’s (Satan’s) handiwork. So avoid (strictly all) that (abomination) in order that you may be successful. Shaytaan (Satan) wants only to excite enmity and hatred between you with intoxicants (alcoholic drinks) and gambling, and hinder you from the remembrance of Allaah and from AsSalaah (the prayer). So, will you not then abstain? And obey Allaah and the Messenger (Muhammad), and beware (of even coming near to drinking or gambling or AlAnsaab, or AlAzlaam) and fear Allaah. Then if you turn away, you should know that it is Our Messenger’s duty to convey (the Message) in the clearest way” [al-Maa’idah 5:90-92] It was narrated that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Every intoxicant is liquor and every liquor is haraam.” (Narrated by Muslim, alAshribah 3735) The scholars are unanimously agreed, with no dispute on this matter. Some of the scholars even considered the prohibition of alcohol to be one of the most well known teachings of Islam (ignorance of which is inexcusable). So our advice to him is that he should give up drinking alcohol, and be content with [?] that which Allaah has permitted to him of good drinks, and not seek that which Allaah has forbidden. Alcohol is the mother of evil and the key to all evil. Allaah has issued a stern warning to those who drink it and do not repent from that. It was narrated from Jaabir that the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Allaah has made a covenant to those who drink alcohol, that He will make them drink teenat al-khabaal.” They said, “O Messenger of Allaah, what is teenat al-khabaal?” He said, 239
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“The sweat of the people of Hell,” or, “The juice of the people of Hell.” (Narrated by Muslim, al-Ashribah, 3732) It is easy to give it up if one is sincere and determined, and seeks the help of Allaah, may He be exalted. With regard to yourself, there is no sin on you if your husband drinks alcohol, because a person will not be brought to account for the sins of another. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning): “And no bearer of burdens shall bear another ’s burden”[Faatir 35:18] Rather, you will be rewarded for your sincere advice to your husband. Your living with him is not haraam, because drinking alcohol does not make him a kaafir. So keep on calling him, advising him and making du’aa’ for him, and may Allaah cause him to repent. If your keeping away from him in bed will serve the purpose of deterring him and making give up alcohol, then it is permissible, but if it will not achieve anything, then do not do it. We ask Allaah to guide us all and give us strength. For more information see the fatwa of Shaykh Ibn ‘Uthaymeen, 2/ 890 Islam Q&A Sheikh Muhammed Salih Al-Munajjid (www.islamqa.com) Question Reference Number:: 7750 Title: She hits her husband when they argue to make him end the argument Question: A woman loves her husband very much, but sometimes she feels that he does not care for her at all. When they 240
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have an arguement she feels very frustrated and wants him to show her some love and end the arguement but he continues to shout at her in an uncaring way, making her feel as if he hates her. Sometimes this leads her to hit him, even though she really wants him to take her in his arms and finish it all. Unfortunately he does not understand this and hits her back, and then when she reminds him of the hadiths about kind treatment of women he talks about ‘an eye for an eye’, as if she is just any person, not his wife, whom he should be patient with and care and love. Could you please comment on the situation? Answer: Praise be to Allaah. For a wife to hit her husband goes against the sharee’ah and is neglect of her duties towards him. Why do you want him to take the initiative? What you must do is strive to reduce the opportunities for conflict. Instead of asking him to treat you nicely, it is more appropriate for you to apologize to him and calm the atmosphere. A stable married life is the responsibility of both partners, not only one side. Shaykh Muhammad al-Duwaysh (www.islam-qa.com) Question Reference Number:: 10208 Title: Recording the conversation of a wife of whom one is suspicious Question: If a man hears from someone outside the home that his wife is talking to strange men on the phone in haraam 241
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ways, but he has no proof, is it permissible for him to install a device that will record all the conversations that go on in the house without his wife’s knowledge, so that he can find out whether this accusation is true or not? Answer: Praise be to Allaah. We put this question to Shaykh ‘Abd-Allaah ibn Jibreen, may Allaah preserve him, who answered as follows: If there is strong circumstantial evidence to that effect, and he knows that his wife is not very religious and not very trustworthy, then it is permissible for him to do that. And Allaah knows best. Shaykh ‘Abd-Allaah ibn Jibreen (www.islam-qa.com) Question Reference Number:: 3477 Title: Her husband has given her the choice of either travelling with him to a kaafir country or staying in their homeland Question: A woman has been given the choice by her husband of either going with him when he goes to study in a kaafir country, and take a course there, or of staying in the Muslim country. He is going there for some worldly benefits and to earn a higher salary. Should she go with him or not? Answer: We put this question to Shaykh Muhammad ibn Saalih 242
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al-‘Uthaymeen, may Allaah preserve him, who answered as follows: “Praise be to Allaah, Lord of the Worlds, and peace and blessings of Allaah be upon our Prophet Muhammad and all his family and companions. I think that she should go with him, because this will keep him safer from temptation. There will be no sin on her so long as she adheres to her duties of covering and behaving modestly. But if he goes alone there is the fear that he may fall into temptation, and if she stays alone without a husband she will not be happy… And Allaah knows best.” Shaykh Muhammad ibn Saalih al-‘Uthaymeen (www.islam-qa.com) Question Reference Number:: 4807 Title: Sexual talk between spouses by phone Question: Is it allowed for a married couple to speak through the telephone about sex and to excite eachother so much that one of them or both get an orgasm(without their hands, because that is not allowed) This happens because the man is living abroad for work and they see eachother only once every four month and they miss eachother very much. Answer: Praise be to Allaah. We put this question to Shaykh Muhammad ibn Saalih al-‘Uthaymeen, who answered as follows: “There is nothing wrong with that. Yes, it is permissible.” 243
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Question: Even if there is use of the hand? Answer: “There are some reservations about use of the hand (i.e., masturbation). It is not permissible unless one fears that one may commit zina otherwise.” Question: So as long as there is no use of the hand, it is OK? Answer: “Yes, as long as there is no use of the hand, it is OK. He can imagine that he is with her and there is nothing wrong with that.” They should also make sure that no one is listening to what they say or is spying on them. And Allaah knows best. Shaykh Muhammad ibn Saalih al-‘Uthaymeen (www.islam-qa.com) Question Reference Number:: 8037 Title: A husband who humiliates his wife Question: I have been married for 25 years and I have a number of sons and daughters. I am faced with a lot of problems from my husband, because he humiliates me a lot in front of my children and in front of relatives and strangers. He does not respect me at all, for no reason. I can only relax when he is outside the home. Please note that this man 244
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prays and fears Allaah. I hope that you can tell me the right thing to do. May Allaah reward you with good. Answer: Praise be to Allaah. You have to be patient and advise him in the way that is best. Remind him of Allaah and the Last Day: perhaps he will respond and come back to the right path, and stop this bad behaviour. If he does not respond, then the sin will be on him and you will have a great reward for your patience and for putting up with his offensive behaviour. It is prescribed for you to make du’aa’ for him in your prayers (salaah) and at other times, that Allaah will guide him to the straight path and bless him with a good attitude, and that He will protect you from his evil and the evil of others. You also have to check yourself, and follow your religion properly. Repent to Allaah from any bad deeds and sins that you may have committed with regard to Allaah’s rights, your husband’s rights and the rights of anyone else. Perhaps he has been sent against you because of some sin that you have committed, because Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning): “And whatever of misfortune befalls you, it is because of what your hands have earned. And He pardons much” [al-Shooraa 42:30] There is no reason why you should not ask his father or mother or older siblings or other respected relatives or neighbours to advise him and direct him to treat his family well, in obedience to the words of Allaah (interpretation of the meaning): “and live with them honourably” [al-Nisaa’ 4:19] 245
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“And they (women) have rights (over their husbands) similar (to those of their husbands) over them to what is reasonable” [al-Baqarah 2:228] May Allaah put things right between you and guide your husband and bring him back to the right path of goodness and guidance, for He is the Most Generous, Most Kind. Majmoo’ Fataawa wa Maqaalaat Mutanawwi’ah li Samaahat al-Shaykh al-‘Allaamah ‘Abd al-‘Azeez ibn ‘Abd-Allaah ibn Baaz (may Allaah have mercy on him), vol. 8, p. 395 (www.islam-qa.com) Question Reference Number:: 668 Title: Should a man be told of his wife’s immoral conduct? Question: Someone found out that another man’s wife is committing zinaa. Does he have to tell her husband? Answer: Praise be to Allaah. We put this question to Shaykh ‘Abd-Allaah ibn Jibreen, may Allaah preserve him, who answered as follows: If she persists and is admonished but does not repent, then in this case we think that it is obligatory to tell her husband lest “his bed be corrupted” (i.e., lest his honour is compromised and/or a child be born that is not his and thus the lineage is corrupted). And Allaah knows best. 246
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Shaykh ‘Abd-Allaah ibn Jibreen (www.islam-qa.com) Question Reference Number:: 5281 Title: Can she withhold herself from her husband who does not pray? Question:
Can a husband or wife withhold oneself from his or her partner if they do not pray? In other words, is it permissible to demand that your partner pray in order for you to give yourself to them? Answer: Praise be to Allaah. Indeed it is obligatory for the woman (in this situation) to withhold herself from that intimate relationship, and the opposite also applies [i.e., a man should withhold himself from his wife if she does not pray]. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning): “… Likewise hold not the disbelieving women as wives…” [al-Muntahanah 60:10] It is not permissible for a Muslim woman to stay with a man who does not pray at all or does not pray most of the time; she has to leave him and not stay with him, because he is a kaafir who has gone beyond the pale of Islam. We ask Allaah to keep you safe and sound. Islam Q&A Sheikh Muhammed Salih Al-Munajjid (www.islam-qa.com) 247
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Question Reference Number:: 4501 Title: Her husband doesn’t pray and she is withholding from having intercourse with him Question: My husband doesn’t pray 5 times a day and constantly, I have encouraged him to do so with no avail. Since he hasn’t taken heed of my requests I have withheld myself from engaging in intercourse with him. He exclaims that my actions are inappropriate, saying that it is blasphemous for me to use prayer as an incentive for intercourse. Is he correct? Answer: Praise be to Allaah. It should be known that the one who does not pray any of the prayers and persists in not doing so, according to the Sahaabah and the majority of scholars, is counted as a kaafir and it is not permissible to marry him or eat meat slaughtered by him. If the husband does not pray at all, then he is taking a very serious risk and it is not permissible for you to stay with him. You have to remind him and scare him with this. Withholding yourself from having intercourse with him is the right thing to do, until he starts to pray, because the one who does not pray is counted as a kaafir, as it was reported in Saheeh Muslim from the hadeeth of Jaabir that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “All that stands between a man and shirk and kufr is his giving up prayer.” And he also said: “The covenant that separates us from them is salaah, and whoever gives up prayer is a kaafir.”
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‘Abd-Allaah ibn Shaqeeq said: the companions of the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) used not to count the giving up of any action as kufr, apart from prayer.” You have to warn your husband against neglecting the prayer. If he persists, it is not permissible for you to stay with him because you are a Muslim and he is something else. May Allaah help the Muslims to do what Allaah has commanded and to obey Him. You have to advise and scare him, and may Allaah bring about good for him through that. Islam Q&A Sheikh Muhammed Salih Al-Munajjid (www.islam-qa.com) Question Reference Number:: 5287 Title: Does sleeping next to one’s wife cancel out the wudoo’ prescribed before sleeping? Question: It is part of sunna to make woudou before sleeping for the night. However, for married couples, the usage is that both the husband and the wife sleep next to each other in the same large bed. I believe that this is not compatible with sunna, and would like to know your opinion. Jazakom allahou khayran. Answer: Praise be to Allaah. On the contrary, it is part of the Sunnah, as is indicated 249
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by many ahaadeeth, including that narrated by al-Bukhaari (2945) and Muslim (2727) from ‘Ali, who said that the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said to him and Faatimah, may Allaah be pleased with them both: “When you go to your bed, or when you lie down, say Allaahu akbar thirty-three times, Subhaan-Allaah thirty-three times and Alhamdulillaah thirty-three times.” According to another report narrated by al-Bukhaari (3502), [‘Ali said:] “The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) came to us whilst we were lying down, and I went to stand up, but he said, ‘Stay where you are,’ and sat down between us, and I could feel the coolness of his feet on my chest.’” This hadeeth with its clear wording indicates that it is sunnah for a man to sleep with his wife in one bed. Perhaps the confusion has arisen because when a man does wudoo’ then sleeps in one bed with his wife, he cannot help touching her, and it may be that the questioner is thinking that this will break his wudoo’, so what is the point of doing wudoo’? So we have to discuss the question of whether touching a woman breaks wudoo’ or not? The scholars differed on this matter and there are several points of view, stemming from their differences in the Tafseer (interpretation) of the Aayah (interpretation of the meaning): “… or [if] you have been in contact with women and you find no water, perform Tayammum with clean earth…” [al-Nisa’ 4:43] Some scholars said that “contact” here meant only touching with one’s hand, whilst others took it to mean sexual intercourse, as in the aayaat (interpretation of the meaning):
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“… then divorce them before you have sexual intercourse with them…” [al-Ahzaab 33:49] and: “And if you divorce them before you have touched (had sexual relations with) them…” [al-Baqarah 2:237] They stated that according to scholarly consensus, the full mahr is not due if a woman has been merely touched before her divorce; the full mahr is due in cases where sexual intercourse has taken place and the marriage has been consummated. This opinion was narrated from ‘Ali, Ubayy ibn Ka’b, Ibn ‘Abbaas, Mujaahid, Taawoos, alHasan, ‘Ubayd ibn ‘Umayr, Sa’eed ibn Jubayr, al-Shu’bi, Qutaadah, Muqaatil ibn Hayyaan and Abu Haneefah.” (Nayl al-Maraam min Tafseer Ayaat al-Ahkaam by Siddeeq Hasan Khaan, 1/316, 314). The more correct view is that which was narrated from ‘Aa’ishah (may Allaah be pleased with her), who said that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) would do wudoo’, then kiss her, and then pray, without repeating his wudoo’. (See al-Raayah, 1/72; Nayl al-Maraam by Siddeeq Hasan Khaan, 318-322 – footnote). Al-Bukhaari narrated in al-Saheeh (1/588, no. 513) that ‘Aa’ishah (may Allaah be pleased with her) said: “I used to sleep in front of the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him), and my legs were in front of him when he prayed. When he did sujood, he would poke me and I would move my legs out of the 251
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way, and when he stood up I would stretch them out again… The houses in those days did not have lamps.” These two texts indicate that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) would touch his wife, without repeating his wudoo’ after doing so; he even touched her whilst praying. The Sunnah, which explains the Book of Allaah, indicates that merely touching a woman does not cancel wudoo’. However, if there is any emission of madhiy (prostatic fluid) or maniy (semen), then this breaks wudoo’. We hope that this answer will clear up the confusion and free the questioner from any unnecessary restrictions. And Allaah is the One Whose help we seek. Islam Q&A Sheikh Muhammed Salih Al-Munajjid (www.islamqa.com) Question Reference Number:: 5372 Title: Her husband says strange terms of endearment to her. Is this permissible? Question: My husband and I love eachother very much. He would say things to please me such as: “Your saliva is the water of paradise(Jannat)”. I know does not mean it because he tells me he only says it to please me, but lately he has stopped saying such things because he is afraid it might be haram. Please let me know if it is. Answer: Praise be to Allaah. 252
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The husband should avoid saying such things, which are open to misinterpretation. There is nothing in Paradise to which anything in this world can be compared; they do not even come close. The husband has never seen or tasted the water of Paradise. There are sufficient permissible words of kindness and endearment that there is no need for expressions of this sort. And Allaah knows best. Islam Q&A Sheikh Muhammed Salih Al-Munajjid (www.islamqa.com) Question Reference Number:: 5196 Title: Using birth control pills at first in case the marriage fails Question: Is it permissable for a woman to go on the pill (female contraception) prior to her marriage, so as to avoid pregnancy in case the marriage does not work out (ie. she becomes pregnant and then they divorce and she is left with the child)? Should she inform her spouse on the wedding night or prior to the nikkah that she is on the pill? In light of the above, is it permissible to use contraceptives to avoid pregnancy in the event that the marriage might not work out (ie for the first year of the marriage)? Answer: Praise be to Allaah. If it is medically proven that birth control pills are harmful to women, then it is not permissible to use them either 253
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before marriage or afterwards, on the basis of the rule that no harm should be done. This rule is based on the aayaat (interpretation of the meanings): “And do not kill yourselves” [al-Nisa’ 4:29] “and do not throw yourselves into destruction” [al-Baqarah 2:195] Unless it is possible to produce pills that are free of harmful side effects, they should not be taken. As for using any non-harmful means of contraception at the beginning of marriage, fearing that the marriage may not work out, there are a number of reservations about this, such as: it may be a kind of pessimism, because you are expecting it to fail. It may lead to an unhappy marital life and both spouses expecting bad of one another, because it is known that one of the most important purposes of marriage is to have children, and if this is delayed for a specific reason the relationship may cool off. If the husband finds out that this is what his wife is doing, it will spoil the relationship between them. Pregnancy is one of the most important functions of women, which generates feelings of love and compassion towards her husband and children. If pregnancy is prevented the opposite feelings develop. The fuqahaa’ (may Allaah have mercy on them) stipulated the condition for ‘azl (coitus interruptus) or other forms of contraception used by the woman, that it should only be done with the permission of the other spouse, because 254
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both of them have the right to have children. So it is not permissible for the wife to take birth control pills without her husband’s permission and consent. The fear that the marriage may fail and the fact that there is a high divorce rate cannot be dealt with in this manner. The way to deal with it is to make the right choice of spouse and make sure that this is the right choice. The prospective husband should be allowed to see the prospective wife, because this is one of the ways of fostering love after marriage. Other means should also be used. We ask Allaah to guide us all. May Allaah bless our Prophet Muhammad. Islam Q&A Sheikh Muhammed Salih Al-Munajjid (www.islam-qa.com) Question Reference Number:: 6103 Title: Kissing one’s wife’s hand in front of other people in the street Question: I would like to know if it is Halal to take the hand of my wife in my hand when I go outside in public ? What about kissing her hand, as a gesture of affection to her (even if she wears Niqab and gloves) ? I think in Arab lands, this is not something practiced by the people, and I would like to know if this is due to customs and culture, or if there is a genuine Daleel behind that ? Jezak Allahu Khairan. Answer: Praise be to Allaah. 255
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This is one of the things that go against true manliness or chivalry (muru’ah). It is very cheap and vulgar to do this in front of people, because this is a kind of foreplay with one’s wife in front of others. So keep away from doing such things. You can show your love for her in other ways, and when you are alone with her, you can do whatever you like, within reason. May Allaah help us and you to do all that is good. Islam Q&A Sheikh Muhammed Salih Al-Munajjid (www.islamqa.com) Question Reference Number:: 2967 Title: His wife claims that she was raped Question: I am a Muslim immigrant in North America. 18 years ago I was newly married and had to go out of town for business. My wife told me that during my absence someone got into the house and just kissed her, but then left, telling her that she is too young. But now after 18 years of our marriage she is telling me that yes she was raped by him. The man had sexual intercourse with her several times that day. During the last intercourse she could not hold back and had orgasm several times from him and hugged and kissed him Since the man was a rapist he never came back afraid of getting caught. I feel devastated from this incidence and very upset that why she did not tell me 18 years ago. I was kept in the dark for so many years, under the impression that no one has ever touched her. Please reply me ASAP what should I do? Is our marriage still valid? Should I divorce her? I also don’t feel like going to the mosque and pray to Allah anymore. 256
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Please email me your reply ASAP to XXXX. Another point is that from the start when the man got into the house, she did whatever the man told her to do, she did not resist or scare him, or made him realize that it is a crime he is comitting, etc. She also did not scare him that my brother who used to live with us, is going to come in the house anytime. Her excuse is that she was too scared. I will wait for your advice. Answer: Praise be to Allaah. If what your wife has recently told you is what really happened, then she has committed a major sin and an act of clear betrayal by giving in to this attacker and not trying to escape or stop him or call for help and so on. Her claim that she was forced to do it is not acceptable, because she makes no mention of being threatened with a weapon or being tied up, etc. If this is indeed the case, and she clearly did not try to defend herself, then what should you do and how should you regard her? There is no doubt that you should warn her and remind her about Allaah and the Last Day and its horrors, and explain to her the seriousness of overstepping the limits set by Allaah and betraying one’s spouse. You should also remind her of the terrible punishment dictated by sharee’ah for the married person who commits adultery, which is stoning to death. After warning her in this fashion, if you see that she regrets what she did and is striving to be righteous, there is nothing wrong with staying with her, and your marriage will still be valid. It seems most likely that this woman is indeed sorry for what she did and has repented, because she is the one who has brought up the subject after it had 257
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been forgotten, and she has told you about it. Perhaps this is because of her guilty conscience and sincere desire to seek forgiveness from her husband. The sin that she committed when she was very young and living in the ignorant environment of America, and where she may have resisted at the beginning of the attack, then softened, is nothing like the sin of a woman who goes out of her way to commit it, and plans to do it deliberately. Our advice is that if this woman is now righteous and truly regrets what she did, then you should forgive her, especially as you may by now have children who will suffer if you divorce her. At the same time, you should continue to teach her, keep an eye on her and not stay away from her for too long. We ask Allaah to acceptance repentance from us all. Finally, I want to address a serious matter that you refer to in the second part of your question, which is the fact that you say you no longer want to go to the mosque or pray or make du’aa’, because of the crisis that you are facing. This is very strange, for whenever the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) was faced with a serious matter he would turn to prayer and ask Allaah to help him, and he taught us to do likewise. We should not turn away from the houses of Allaah (mosques) or stop praying and making du’aa’. Where else can you turn in times of trouble and who else can you ask for protection in this crisis? Turn back to Allaah, my brother, ask Him to relieve your distress and seek His help with patience and prayer, for Allaah is with those who are patient. Islam Q&A Sheikh Muhammed Salih Al-Munajjid (www.islam-qa.com)
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Question Reference Number:: 1704 Title: The wife serving her husband Question: Is it the wife’s duty to do all the housework, must the husband help her or not? Or is it possible, that her work is just a favour to the husband and the family and she will be rewarded for it, as if she gave sadaqa? Answer: Praise be to Allaah. The more correct view in this matter is that stated by a number of scholars, such as Abu Bakr ibn Abi Shaybah, Abu Ishaaq al-Jawzjaani and Shaykh al-Islam Ibn Taymiyah (may Allaah have mercy on them), who said that it is the woman’s duty to serve her husband within the bounds of what is reasonable and as other women who are like her serve husbands who are like him. She also has to take care of the house, doing things like cooking and so on, in accordance with what is customary among people like her and her husband. This differs according to circumstances, time and place, hence Ibn Taymiyah said: “This varies according to circumstances. What the Bedouin wife has to do is not the same as what the urban wife has to do.” The evidence for this more correct opinion is: the Hadeeth of al-Bukhaari: Imaam al-Bukhaari narrated in his Saheeh that Faatimah (may Allaah be pleased with her), the daughter of the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) asked him for a servant. He said, “Shall I not tell you of something that is better for you than that? When you go to sleep, say ‘Subhaan-Allaah (Glory be to Allaah)’ thirty 259
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three times, ‘Al-Hamdu Lillaah (praise be to Allaah)’ thirty three times, and ‘Allaahu akbar (Allaah is Most Great)’ thirty four times.” (Saheeh al-Bukhaari bi Sharh al‘Asqallaani, part 9/506). Al-Tabari said, in his commentary on this hadeeth: we may understand from this hadeeth that every woman who is able to take care of her house by making bread, grinding flour and so on, should do so. It is not the duty of the husband if it is the custom for women like her to do this themselves. What we learn from the hadeeth is that when Faatimah (may Allaah be pleased with her) asked her father (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) for a servant, he did not command her husband to find her a servant or hire someone to do these tasks, or to do these tasks himself. If it were ‘Ali’s duty to do these things, the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) would have commanded him to do them. The hadeeth of Asma’ bint Abi Bakr Imaam al-Bukhaari (may Allaah have mercy on him) reported in his Saheeh that Asma’ bint Abi Bakr (may Allaah be pleased with her) said: “I got married to alZubayr, and he had no wealth on earth and no slaves, nothing except a camel for bringing water and his horse. I used to feed his horse and bring water, and I used to sew patches on the bucket. I made dough but I was not good at baking bread, so my (female) neighbours among the Ansaar used to bake bread for me, and they were sincere women. I used to bring date pits from al-Zubayr’s land that the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) had given to him, carrying them on my head. This land was two-thirds of a farsakh away. One day I came, carrying the date pits on my head, and I met the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of 260
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Allaah be upon him), who had a group of the Ansaar with him. He called me and made his camel kneel down, for me to ride behind him, but I felt too shy to go with the men, and I remembered al-Zubayr and his jealousy, for he was the most jealous of people. The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) realized that I felt shy, so he moved on. I came to alZubayr and told him, ‘I met the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) when I was carrying date pits on my head, and he had a group of his companions with him. He made his camel kneel down for me to ride with him, but I remembered your jealousy.’ He said, ‘By Allaah, it bothers me more that you have to carry the date pits than that you should ride with him.’” Asma’ said: “After that, Abu Bakr sent me a servant to take care of the horse, and it was as if I had been liberated from slavery.” (Reported by al-Bukhaari, Fath, 9/319). In the commentary on the hadeeth of Asma’, it says: from this incident we may understand that it is the woman’s duty to take care of everything that her husband needs her to take care of. This was the opinion of Abu Thawr. Other fuqaha’ suggested that Asma’ did this voluntarily and that she was not obliged to do it. Ibn Hajar al-‘Asqallaani said: “It seems that this incident – Asma’ carrying the date pitss to help her husband – and other similar incidents were the matter of necessity, namely that her husband al-Zubayr and other Muslim men were preoccupied with jihaad and other things that the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) had commanded them to do, and they did not have time to take care of domestic matters themselves, and could not afford to hire servants to do that for them, and there was no one else who could do that apart from their womenfolk. So the women used to take care of the 261
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home and whoever lived in it, so that the men could devote their time to supporting Islam.” Then he said (may Allaah have mercy on him): “What is more likely is that the matter had to do with the customs in that land, for customs may vary in this regard.” It seems that what Ibn Hajar said is close to the view of those who say that the wife has to take care of her husband and the home in accordance with the dictates of local custom. Ibn al-Qayyim said, concerning the story of Asma’: “When the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) saw Asma’ with the date pits on her head, and her husband al-Zubayr was with her, he did not tell him that she did not have to serve him, or that this was unfair to her. He approved of her serving him and of all the women among the Sahaabah helping their husbands. This is a matter concerning which there is no doubt.” The hadeeth of Jaabir The Shaykh of the Muhadditheen, Imaam al-Bukhaari (may Allaah have mercy on him) reported in his Saheeh that Jaabir ibn ‘Abd-Allaah said: “My father died and left seven daughters, or nine daughters. I married a woman who had been previously married, and the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said to me, ‘Did you get married, O Jaabir?’ I said, ‘Yes.’ He asked, ‘A virgin or a previously-married woman?’ I said, ‘A previously-married woman.’ He said, ‘Why not a young woman so you could play and joke with one another?’ I said, ‘ ‘Abd-Allaah [the father of Jaabir] has died and left behind daughters, and I would not like to bring them someone who is like them, so I got married to a woman who can take care of them.’ He said, ‘May Allaah bless you’ or ‘Fair enough.’” (Saheeh al-Bukhaari bi Sharh al‘Asqallaani, vol.9/513). 262
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The evidence derived from the hadeeth of Jaabir is that al-Bukhaari introduced this hadeeth under the heading, “Baab ‘awn al-mar’ah zawjahaa fi waladih (Chapter: a woman helping her husband with his children)”. Imaam Ibn Hajar al-‘Asqallaani said, commenting on this introduction by al-Bukhaari: “It seems that al-Bukhaari derived the idea that a woman should take care of her husband’s children from the fact that the wife of Jaabir took care of his sisters; if she should take care of his sisters then it is even more befitting that she should take of his children.” (Saheeh al-Bukhaari bi Sharh al-‘Asqallaani, vol.9/513). We can say that the wife should take care of her husband, as this is more befitting than her taking care of his sisters or his daughters from another wife. We may also understand from this hadeeth that what was customary at the time of the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) was that women did not only take care of their husbands, they also took care of those who were dependent on their husbands and lived in their houses. The evidence that this understanding is correct is the fact that the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) did not tell Jaabir off for his reason for marrying a previously-married woman, which was that she could take care of his sisters. This indicates that the custom among the Muslims at that time dictated that the wife should take care of those who were under her husband’s care, which means that the wife should serve her husband in those matters that are dictated by local custom, because the husband’s right to be served by his wife comes before that of his sisters. ‘Urf (custom) 263
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General contracts – including marriage contracts – should be governed by the customs that are known among the people, and the custom is that the wife should serve her husband and also take care of matters in the home. In some societies, the custom is that the wife should take care of more than the regular domestic matters. Imaam al-Qurtubi said, concerning the matter of the wife serving her husband and taking care of the home: “This has to do with ‘Urf, which is one of the bases of sharee’ah. The women of the Bedouin and the desert-dwellers serve their husbands, even looking for fresh water and taking care of the animals…” What happens nowadays is that the wife – usually – serves her husband and takes care of different matters within the home. There may be a servant to help her with that if her husband can afford it. If the husband knows that the majority of scholars say that it is not obligatory for the wife to serve her husband and take care of the house, I say that one of the benefits of this may be that he will not go to extremes and demand too much of his wife in this regard, and that he will not give her a hard time if she falls short, because what she is doing is not a duty according to the majority of fuqaha’. However, even it is a duty according to some of them – and this is what we think is more correct – the fact that there is such a difference of opinion means that the husband has to look at what she is doing as something voluntary rather than obligatory, or something in which the scholars differ as to whether it is obligatory, so he should be gentle with her if he sees that she is falling short in this regard, and he should encourage her and help her to do it. Islam Q&A Sheikh Muhammed Salih Al-Munajjid (www.islamqa.com) 264
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Question Reference Number:: 4801 Title: Spouses looking in one another’s wallet or purse Question: Do I have permission to look in my husband’s wallet? Does he have permission to look in my purse. Answer: Praise be to Allaah. We put this question to Shaykh Muhammad ibn Saalih al’-Uthaymeen, who replied as follows: Does the other partner agree to that? If he or she agrees to it, then there is nothing wrong with it, but if he or she does not agree to it, then it is not permissible. And Allaah knows best. Islam Q&A Sheikh Muhammed Salih Al-Munajjid (www.islamqa.com) Question Reference Number:: 3755 Title: Tension in the home because of fiqhi differences between husband and wife Question: My husband is a strict follower of the Shafi’ee madhab, while I prefer to choose the fatwa which my mind tells me is based on stronger daleel no matter what the origin of the school is, whenever there is a difference between 265
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the well-known madhabs. My husband tells me that I don’t have the right to do this since I am not a scholar myself. Is he right? Please reply if at all possible, because there has been a lot of tension in my household because of this. Answer: Praise be to Allaah. In order to answer this question, we must shed light on three things: we must point out the importance of avoiding sectarianism in following any school of thought, whether it has to do with fiqh, thought or anything else. We should get into the habit of following the Qur’aan and Sunnah and letting them be our guide. There is such a thing as the inclination to follow one of the opinions of the fuqaha’, not on the basis of Tarjeeh (weighing and comparing evidence) but because of a desire to follow the easiest way or because it suits one’s own desires. A person may find some justification for motives that he thinks are correct, and does not realize they are wrong until later on. Therefore one should only select or give preference to an opinion either by studying the matter and examining the evidence and proofs offered by all sides, which should be done by one who has sound knowledge, or else by following a scholar who is well known to be knowledgeable, religious, pious and righteous, so that one feels confident of his sincerity and wide knowledge. Keeping the peace in the marital home is more important than disputing as to whose opinion or madhhab should prevail, so long as the issue in question is one in which 266
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differences of opinion are permissible and every opinion has some grounds for validity. At the same time, it should be pointed out to the husband, gently and calmly, that it is important to base one’s opinions on sound evidence, and that not every scholarly opinion or madhhab is always correct. The scholars themselves said that their opinions should be discounted if they contradicted well known evidence, as al-Shaafa’i said: “If my opinion contradicts a hadeeth of the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him), cast it aside (lit. throw it against the wall).” If you and your husband are not students of sharee’ah with a firm grounding of knowledge, then you have to refer to one of the scholars and follow his opinions. If you agree on a scholar you can both refer to him, and if your husband chooses someone according to what he thinks is best and you choose someone else, there is nothing wrong with that. Each of you can follow his or her scholar in matters that do not affect the other, but in matters where the husband has authority or responsibility, the opinion of the scholar whom your husband is following should prevail. And Allaah knows best. Islam Q&A Sheikh Muhammed Salih Al-Munajjid (www.islamqa.com) Question Reference Number:: 4601 Title: She argues defiantly with her husband in discussions on fiqh Question: matters of the deen for which there are 2 legal opinions.
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This is upsetting the husband and could break up the marriage. She says I can argue with you because the wives of the Prophet often used to challenge and argue with him. However, she is often too “up-front” and disrespectful. What advice can you offer this couple, in particular the wife? Please, answer this question as this is turning into a bad situation between the spouses. Answer: Praise be to Allaah. The advice we give to these two spouses is that they are both creatures who should submit themselves to the laws of Allaah, because this is where happiness lies. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning): “… And they (women) have rights (over their husbands as regards living expenses, etc.) similar (to those of their husbands) over them (as regards obedience and respect, etc.) to what is reasonable…” [al-Baqarah 2:228] So both spouses must treat the other kindly. Marriage is based on love, not on defiance or provocation, because these usually occur between enemies, and if they happen between people who love one another, they usually cause hatred and do the couple no good. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning): “And among His Signs is this, that He created for you wives from among yourselves, that you may find repose in them, and He has put between you affection and mercy…” [al-Room 30:21]
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So the husband should debate with his wife in a gentle manner, and approach her with the intention of winning her over, not of imposing his views. He should give her room for polite debate, and he should realize that it is not right for him to impose any view on her in a matter of fiqh that concerns her alone. He has nothing to do with it if she is convinced of a different scholar’s opinion, and she is permitted to follow that scholar. The wife must be aware that the husband’s rights are great, that obeying him is obligatory and that pleasing him is part of pleasing Allaah. ‘Abd al-Rahmaan ibn ‘Awf said: “The Messenger of Allaah SAWS (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: ‘If a woman prays her five (daily prayers), fasts her month (Ramadaan), guards her modesty and obeys her husband, it will be said to her, “Enter Paradise through whichever gate of Paradise you wish.”’” (Reported by Imaam Ahmad, 1573; Saheeh al-Jaami’, 660). The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) also said, “If I were to command anyone to prostrate to anything other than Allaah, I would have commanded women to prostrate to their husbands. By the One in Whose hand is the soul of Muhammad, no woman will fulfil her duty towards her Lord unless she fulfils her duty towards her husband, and if he asks her for herself when she is sitting on a saddle, she should not refuse him.” The phrase “he asks her for herself” refers to the husband asking for intercourse, and the phrase “on a saddle” refers to the saddle used for riding a camel. The hadeeth is urging women to obey their husbands and if they cannot refuse them when they are in this situation (i.e., about to ride off on a camel) then how can they refuse them in other cases? (Hadeeth reported by Ibn Maajah, 1843; see also Saheeh al-Jaami’, 5239, 5295). The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “It is not right for any human being to prostrate to another; if it were right for one human being to prostrate to another, I would have commanded 269
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women to prostrate to their husbands because of the great rights that they have over them. By the One in Whose hand is my soul, if a man were covered from head to foot with weeping sores oozing pus, and his wife were to come to him and lick his sores (to clean them), this would not fulfil the rights he has over her.’” (Reported by Imaam Ahmad, 12153; Saheeh al-Jaami’, 7725). If the wife obeys her husband and treats him well for the sake of Allaah, she will earn a great reward with Allaah. By the same token, the man has to be patient with her, treat her well, win her over and teach her what his shar’i rights over her are. With regard to her comment that the wives of the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) used to argue with him a lot and challenge him, this is not right at all. They are far above such things. They asked him to spend on them at a time when he had nothing, and he did not have to spend more than Allaah had bestowed upon him. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning): “Let the rich man spend according to his means, and the man whose resources are restricted, let him spend according to what Allaah has given him…” [al-Talaaq 65:7] After this, they never repeated their demands again, may Allaah be pleased with them. One time, the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) entered upon one of his wives and she gave him honey to drink. Two other wives got jealous because he stayed there for a long time, just to drink the honey. So they agreed that each of them would say that she could smell an unpleasant odour and would comment that the bees that had produced this honey had eaten from a tree that was not good. The Prophet (peace and blessings of 270
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Allaah be upon him) was always anxious about having an unpleasant odour. Allaah rebuked them when He said (interpretation of the meaning): “If you two (wives of the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him), namely ‘Aa’ishah and Hafsah) turn in repentance to Allaah, (it will be better for you), your hearts are indeed so inclined (to oppose what the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) likes), but if you help one another against him (Muhammad (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him)), then verily, Allaah is his Mawla (Lord, or Master, or Protector, etc.), and Jibreel, and the righteous among the believers, - and furthermore, the angels – are his helpers.” [al-Tahreem 66:4] So they never did such a thing again, may Allaah be pleased with them. So how can this woman forget about the good deeds of the Mothers of the Believers and their good treatment of the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him), which are so well known, and fail to follow their example in this, then try to use as evidence the mistakes which some of them made, which were corrected by Allaah, and which they never did again? May Allaah help you both to do that which He loves and which pleases Him, and may He reconcile between you. Islam Q&A Sheikh Muhammed Salih Al-Munajjid (www.islam-qa.com) Question Reference Number:: 4037 Title: Ruling on women spending of their own wealth without their husbands’ permission Question: I am a working woman, and I have a salary from which I 271
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spend on myself and my home, I give some to my family and I give some in charity, and so on. Many of the arguments that I have with my husband arise because of the way I spend my money. Does my husband have the right to object to the way I spend my money? Do I have to ask for his permission when I want to spend any of my money? Answer: Praise be to Allaah. Undoubtedly the free adult person who is of sound mind and discernment is permitted to dispose of his own wealth with no restrictions as long as he is alive, whether he is buying, renting, giving a gift, establishing a waqf (endowment) or any other kind of transaction. There is no dispute among the scholars on this point. There is also no dispute among the scholars concerning the fact that the husband does not have the right to object to the way his wife handles her wealth in transactions such as buying, renting, etc., if the woman is of sound mind and there is no reason why she should not handle her own money and she is not one of those who may be tricked. (Muraatib al-Ijmaa’ li Ibn Hazm, 162; al-Ijmaa’ fi’l-Fiqh al-Islami, Abu Habeeb, 2/566). But the scholars differed as to whether a woman has the right to give all or some of her wealth in charity or as a gift without the permission of her husband. The details of their opinions are as follows: The first opinion: The husband has the right to prevent her from giving if the amount is more than one third of her wealth, but he does not have this right with regard to lesser amounts. 272
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This is the opinion of the Malikis and Hanbalis, and one of the two views narrated from Ahmad. (Sharh alKhurashi, 7/103; al-Mughni, 4/513; Nayl al-Awtaar, 6/ 22). The evidence for this is reports and qiyaas (analogy). Among the reports referred to are the following: The report that Khayrah, the wife of Ka’b ibn Maalik, came to the Prophet with some jewellery of hers. The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “It is not permissible for a woman [to dispose of] her wealth without the permission of her husband. Have you asked Ka’b’s permission?” She said, “Yes.” So the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) sent for Ka’b ibn Maalik, her husband, and asked him, “Have you given permission to Khayrah to give her jewellery in charity?” He said, “Yes,” so the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) accepted it from her. (Reported by Ibn Maajah, 2380; its isnaad includes ‘Abd-Allaah ibn Yahya and his father, who are majhool (not known, i.e., not enough information is known about them to ascertain whether they are trustworthy)). The report narrated from ‘Umar ibn Shu’ayb from his father from his grandfather that the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said in a khutbah (sermon) he gave: “It is not permissible for a woman to give anything except with the permission of her husband.” (Sunan Abi Dawood, Buyoo’, Baab 84; Sunan al-Nisaa’i, Zakaah, Baab 58; Musnad Ahmad, 2/ 179; Sunan Ibn Maajah, 2/798). According to another version: “A woman has no right to her money if she is married.” (Reported by five, except al-Tirmidhi). These reports are taken as evidence that a woman does not have the right to spend her money except with her husband’s permission, which means that the husband’s 273
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permission is a condition any time she wants to spend; his right to stop her spending is limited to amounts over one-third of her wealth, because there are reports that indicate that the owner has the right to dispose of onethird or less of his wealth in his will, but he does not have the right to dispose of more than that without the permission of his heirs. This is seen in the famous story of Sa’d ibn Abi Waqqaas, who asked the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) if he could give all of his wealth in charity, and he said, “No.” Sa’d asked, “What about two-thirds?” The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said, “No.” Sa’d said, “What about half?” The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said, “No.” Sa’d said, What about a third?” The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said, “[Yes,] a third, but a third is still a lot.” (Agreed upon) With regard to their using qiyaas (analogy) as evidence, they say that the husband’s rights are connected to the wife’s wealth, on the basis of the hadeeth: “A woman may be married for her wealth, her beauty or her religious commitment.” (Reported by the seven scholars). Usually a husband increases his mahr because of the wife’s wealth, and he will be able to spend her money, and if he cannot afford to spend on her, she will not complain (because she has her own money). This is similar to the rights of heirs in relation to a sick person’s wealth. (al-Mughni, 4/514). The second opinion: The husband has the right to stop his wife from spending in all cases, whether it is a small amount or a large amount, 274
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except in the case of insignificant things. This is the opinion of al-Layth ibn Sa’d. (Nayl al-Awtaar, 6/22). The third opinion: The woman is not allowed to spend anything of her wealth at all, except with the permission of her husband. This is the opinion of Taawoos (Fath al-Baari, 5/218). Ibn Hajar said in al-Fath, and Taawoos used as evidence, the hadeeth of ‘Umar ibn Shu’ayb, “It is not permissible for a woman to give anything of her own wealth except with the permission of her husband.” This was reported by Abu Dawood and al-Nisaa’i. Ibn Battaal said: “The hadeeth narrated in this chapter are more sound.” The fourth opinion: The woman has the right to spend her own money in all circumstances, whether in a transaction or otherwise, whether this involves all of her wealth or part of it. This is the opinion of the majority, and is the opinion of the Hanafis, Shaafa’is and Hanbalis, and of Ibn al-Mundhir. (al-Mughni, 4/513; al-Ansaaf, 5/342; Ma’aani al-Athaar, 4/354; al-Baari, 5/318; al-Awtaar, 6/22). This is the soundest opinion, and is most in accordance with the Qur’aan, the Sunnah and common sense. In the Qur’aan, Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning): “And give to the women (whom you marry) their Mahr (obligatory bridal money given by the husband to his wife at the time of marriage) with a good heart, but if they, of their own good pleasure, remit any part of it to you, take it, and enjoy it without fear of any harm (as Allaah has made it lawful).” [al-Nisa’ 4:4] 275
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Allaah allows the husband to take what his wife gives him willingly. Allaah also says (interpretation of the meaning): “And if you divorce them before you have touched (had a sexual relation with) them, and you have appointed unto them the mahr (bridal money given by the husband to the wife at the time of marriage), then pay half of that (mahr), unless the women agree to forego it…”[al-Baqarah 2:237] Here Allaah allows women to give up as much of the mahr as they wish if their husbands divorce them, without them having to ask permission from anybody. This indicates that women have the right to decide what to do with their own money, and that a woman has rights to her wealth just as a man has rights to his wealth. (Sharh alMa’aani al-Athaar, 4/352). Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning): “And try orphans (as regards their intelligence) until they reach the age of marriage; if then you find sound judgement in them, release their property to them…” [al-Nisa’ 4:6] This clearly means that when the female orphan becomes wise and discerning, she is allowed to handle her own wealth. Similarly, when the women gave their jewellery in charity after the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) had addressed them during his Eid sermon, this was an indication that they are allowed to dispose of their wealth without asking permission from anybody. (See Ittihaaf al-Khilaan bi Huqooq al-Zawjayn fi’l-Islam by Dr. Fayhaan ibn ‘Ateeq al-Mutayri, pp. 92-96). 276
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It says in Nayl al-Awtaar: “the majority of scholars agreed that women are allowed [to handle their own wealth] with no restrictions and without having to ask their husbands’ permission, so long as they are not foolish, but if they are foolish, it is not permitted.” It says in al-Fath: “The majority have a lot of evidence in the Qur’aan and Sunnah.” The majority of scholars argued against those who used as evidence the hadeeth “It is not permissible for a woman to give anything except with the permission of her husband.” (Reported by Abu Dawood, 3079; Saheeh alJaami’, 7265; some of its narrators have already been mentioned). The majority of scholars said that this has to do with the good manners and proper etiquette required of the wife because of the rights her husband has over her, and because of his status, experience in life and wisdom. Al-Sindi said in his commentary on al-Nisaa’i with regard to the hadeeth quoted: “According to the majority of scholars, this has to do with good manners and making the husband feel good.” It was reported from al-Shaafa’i that the hadeeth was not proven, so how can we use it as evidence when the Qur’aan, Sunnah, other reports and common sense indicate the opposite? Maymoonah freed a slave before the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) knew anything about it, and he did not tell her off. This and other reports indicate that if this hadeeth is true, it is to be interpreted as being the matter of good manners, and the wife has the option either to ask her husband’s permission or not. So the Muslim woman is encouraged to seek her husband’s permission – but it is not obligatory for her to do so – and she will be rewarded for doing that. Abu Hurayrah said: “The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) was asked, ‘Which woman is the best?’ He said, ‘The one who makes [her 277
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husband] happy when he looks at her, who obeys him when he tells her to do something, and who does not oppose him in a manner he dislikes with regard to herself and her wealth.’” (Reported by al-Nisaa’i, 3179; Saheeh al-Jaami’, 3292). And Allaah knows best Islam Q&A Sheikh Muhammed Salih Al-Munajjid (www.islamqa.com) Question Reference Number:: 4143 Title: Her husband is temperamental. How should she make du’aa’ for him? Question: My sister is recently married but the marriage has not been going well as expected. In the beginning, everything was just fine but recently her husband has become very temperemental and has come very close to being violent. Is there any duaas or Qur’anic verses that she may read to help restore their marriage to the way it was? Answer: Praise be to Allaah. There is no specific soorah or du’aa’ that may be recited in the situation described, but this wife can pray for her husband however she wishes, such as saying, “O Allaah, take away his anger, O Allaah, make him patient, O Allaah, grant him tranquillity.” She should call on her Lord by His Most Beautiful Names and beseech Him to help her; 278
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she should strive to offer her supplication at the times when du’aa’s are most likely to be accepted, such as during the last third of the night, or the last hour of Friday, or the Day of ‘Arafaah, and when prostrating during prayer, and so on. We ask Allaah to put their affairs straight. May Allaah bless our Prophet Muhammad. Islam Q&A Sheikh Muhammed Salih Al-Munajjid (www.islamqa.com) Question Reference Number:: 3767 Title: Contraception in early pregnancy Question: Is it forbidden to use contraception for two years at the beginning of marriage by mutual consent and until both parties are certain that the marriage will continue? Answer: Praise be to Allaah. This question was put to Shaykh Muhammad ibn Saalih al-‘Uthaymeen, who answered as follows: “This is not forbidden, but it is better not to do this, and to be optimistic and think positively of Allaah [i.e., put one’s trust in Him that the marriage will succeed].” Having a child might bring the couple together and create deeper ties between them, and bring them both great joy. And Allaah is the Source of strength. Islam Q&A Sheikh Muhammed Salih Al-Munajjid (www.islam-qa.com) 279
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Question Reference Number:: 3801 Title: Husband and wife taking a bath together and looking at one another’s private parts Question: Can husband and wife take a bath together and look at each others private parts? I have been told by some people that while having intercourse with ones wife, the room should be completely dark and one cannot take all the clothes off while copulation. Is it true? May Allah guide us to the right path. Answer: Praise be to Allaah. It is permissible for a woman to see all of her husband’s body and for a man to see all of his wife’s body, with no need to go into details, because Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning): “And those who guard their chastity (i.e., private parts, from illegal sexual acts), except from their wives or (the captives and slaves) that their right hands possess, - for then, they are free from blame; but whoever seeks beyond that, then those are the transgressors.” [al-Mu’minoon 23:5-7] (Fataawa al-Mar’ah by Ibn ‘Uthaymeen, 121). Al-Bukhaari reported in his Saheeh (no. 250) that ‘Aa’ishah said: “The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him)and I used to bathe from one vessel.” Al-Haafiz said in al-Fath: “Al-Daawoodi interpreted this to mean that it is permissible for a man to look at his wife’s ‘awrah and vice-versa. This is supported by the report narrated by Ibn Hibbaan via Sulaymaan ibn Moosa, 280
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who was asked about a man looking at his wife’s private parts. He said: ‘I asked ‘Aa’ishah, and she referred to this hadeeth.’ This is evidence in this matter. And Allaah knows best.” I say: as for the words that some people attribute to the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him), that it is makrooh (disliked) for a man to look at his wife’s private parts, this is not saheeh. This includes the reports narrated from Ibn ‘Abbaas and Abu Hurayrah according to which the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said, “When any one of you has intercourse with his wife, let him not look at her private parts, because this causes blindness, and let him not speak, because this causes muteness.” Ibn al-Jawzi said: “(This is) mawdoo’ (fabricated).” (See al-Mawdoo’aat by Ibn al-Jawzi, 2/271272). And Allaah knows best. Islam Q&A Sheikh Muhammed Salih Al-Munajjid (www.islamqa.com) Question Reference Number:: 3054 Title: She accuses him of being stingy and he accuses her of being extravagant Question: My wife and I are having bad arguments about money. She makes continual, costly demands of me and my financial situation does not allow for this because of my low wages. I told her and her family about my financial situation before we married. Now we have continuous arguments in which she accuses me of being stingy and I 281
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accuse her of being extravagant and demanding more of me than I can do. What should I do about this situation that has brought us to the brink of separation? Answer: Praise be to Allaah. One of the most important rights that a wife has is that her husband should spend on her, and his spending on her is one of the greatest good deeds that he can do that will bring him closer to Allaah. This spending covers food, drink, clothing and housing, and all the other things that a wife needs for her sustenance and good health. With regard to what you mention of your wife’s complaints that you are not spending enough on her, Allaah tells us that men are the ones who should spend on women, and they have been given the position of qawwaamah (protector and maintainer) and excellence because of the money they spend on them in the mahr and on their maintenance. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning): “Men are the protectors and maintainers of women, because Allaah has made one of them to excel the other, and because they spend (to support them) from their means…” [al-Nisa’ 4:34]. The Qur’aan, Sunnah and consensus of the scholars (ijmaa’) all indicate that this spending is obligatory. The Qur’aan tells us (interpretation of the meanings): “… the father of the child shall bear the cost of the mother’s food and clothing on a reasonable basis. No person shall have a burden laid on him greater than he can bear…” [al-Baqarah 2:233] “… And if they are pregnant, then spend on them till they deliver…” [al-Talaaq 65:6] 282
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With regard to the evidence of the Sunnah, many ahaadeeth have been narrated which indicate that it is obligatory for a husband to spend on his wife and children and those under his guardianship, as was proven in the hadeeth of Jaabir ibn ‘Abd-Allaah (may Allaah be pleased with him), who reported that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said in his Farewell Sermon: “Fear Allaah with regard to women, for they are your prisoners. You have taken them as a trust from Allaah, and they have become permissible to you by the word of Allaah, and they have the right to be fed and clothed reasonably by you.” (Reported by Muslim, 8/183). ‘Umar ibn al-Ahwas (may Allaah be pleased with him) reported that he heard the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) say during the Farewell Pilgrimage: “Take good care of women, for they are your prisoners and you have no rights over them beyond that, except if they commit open illegal lewdness; if they do that, then you should shun them in their beds and strike them, but not in a way that causes pain. And if they return to obedience, seek not against them means (of annoyance). You have rights over your women and your women have rights over you. Your rights over your women are that they should not allow anyone to sit on your beds whom you dislike, or allow anyone to enter your houses who you dislike, and their rights over you are that you should clothe and feed them properly.” (Reported by al-Tirmidhi, 1163; Ibn Maajah, 1851. AlTirmidhi said this is a hasan saheeh hadeeth). Mu’aawiyah ibn Haydah (may Allaah be pleased with him) said: “I said, ‘O Messenger of Allaah, what is the right of the wife of any one of us over us?’ He said: ‘That you should feed her as you feed yourself and clothe her as you clothe yourself, that you should not say to her “May Allaah make your face ugly!” and that you should not 283
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beat her.” (Reported by Abu Dawood, 2/244; Ibn Maajah, 1850; Ahmad, 4/446). Imaam al-Baghawi said: “Al-Khattaabi said: This means that it is obligatory to spend on her and clothe her, according to the means of the husband. Because the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) made it a right of the wife, it is obligatory on the husband whether he is present or absent. If he is not able to do this at any particular time, it becomes a debt that he owes, as in the case of other duties, whether or not the qaadi (judge) imposes it on him for the time when he is absent.” Wahb said: “A freed slave of ‘Abd-Allaah ibn ‘Amr said to him: ‘I want to spend this month here in Bayt al-Maqdis (Jerusalem).’ He said, ‘Have you left your family anything for their provisions during this month?’ He said, ‘No.’ He said, ‘Then go back to your family and leave them something for their provisions, for I heard the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) saying, “It is enough sin for a man to neglect those he is responsible to feed.”’” (Reported by Ahmad, 2/160; Abu Dawood, 1692) The original hadeeth is reported by Muslim (245), with the wording: “It is enough sin for a man to keep food away from those he is responsible to feed.” Anas (may Allaah be pleased with him) reported that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Allaah will ask every responsible person (literally, shepherd) about those for whom he was responsible, whether he took care of them or not, and He will even ask a man about the members of his household.” (Reported by Ibn Hibbaan and classed as hasan in Saheeh al-Jaami’, 1774). Abu Hurayrah (may Allaah be pleased with him) said: “I 284
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heard the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) say: “By Allaah, if one of you were to go out in the morning and gather firewood on his back, and sell it and make himself independent, and give some of it in charity, this is better for him than his coming to a man and asking for anything, whether he gives or refuses. The upper hand is better than the lower hand, and start with those who are under your care.” (Reported by Muslim, 3/96). According to a report narrated by Ahmad (2/524): It was said, “Who are those who are under our care, O Messenger of Allaah?” He said, “Your wife is one of those who are under your care.” With regard to the consensus of the scholars (ijmaa’): Imaam Ibn Qudaamah (may Allaah have mercy on him) said in al-Mughni (7/564): The scholars are agreed that it is obligatory on men to spend on their wives, except in the case of a wife who is rebellious. This was mentioned by Ibn al-Mundhir and others. The texts referred to above indicate that it is obligatory for a man to spend on his household and to take care of them and their best interests. Numerous ahaadeeth reported from the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) describe the virtue of this and state that it is a righteous deed in the sight of Allaah, for example the hadeeth of Abu Mas’ood al-Ansaari (may Allaah be pleased with him), according to which the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “If a Muslim spends on his wife, and hopes for reward from Allaah, it will be counted as sadaqah (charity) on his part.” (Reported by al-Bukhaari, 1/136). Al-Haafiz ibn Hajar (may Allaah have mercy on him) said in al-Fath (9/498): “Spending on one’s wife is obligatory according to consensus (ijmaa’), and Islam described it as charity lest people think that it is only a duty for which 285
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they will not be rewarded, for they already know the rewards for charity. Islam taught them that it will be counted as charity so that they will not give to others besides their wives until they (the wives) have enough, to encourage them to give obligatory charity before they give voluntary charity.” Sa’d ibn Maalik (may Allaah be pleased with him) reported that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said to him: “No matter what you spend on your family, you will be rewarded, even for the morsel of food you put in your wife’s mouth.” (Reported by alBukhaari, 3/164, and Muslim, 1628). Abu Hurayrah (may Allaah be pleased with him) reported that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “A dinar spent for the sake of Allaah, a dinar spent to free a slave, a dinar given in charity to a poor person, and a dinar spent on one’s wife – the greatest in reward of all these is the dinar spent on one’s wife.” (Reported by Muslim, 2/692) Ka’b ibn ‘Ijrah (may Allaah be pleased with him) said: “A man passed by the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him), and his Companions were impressed with how strong and energetic he appeared. They said, ‘O Messenger of Allaah, if only this was for the sake of Allaah!’ The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: ‘If he is going out to earn a living for his young children, this is for the sake of Allaah; if he is going out to earn a living for his aged parents, this is for the sake of Allaah; if he is going out to earn a living so he can keep himself from begging from others, this is for the sake of Allaah; but if he is going out to boast and show off, then this is for the sake of Shaytaan.’” (Reported by al-Tabaraani, Saheeh al-Jaami’, 2/8) The salaf (may Allaah have mercy on them) understood 286
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this duty properly, and said words to that effect. How marvellous are the words of the great imaam ‘Abd-Allaah ibn al-Mubaarak (may Allaah have mercy on him): “There is nothing equivalent in reward to earning money to spend on your family, not even jihaad for the sake of Allaah.” (Al-Siyar, 8/399). At the same time, your wife should understand that the husband’s obligation to spend should be within his means and according to his financial situation, as Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning): “Let the rich man spend according to his means, and the man whose resources are restricted, let him spend according to what Allaah has given him. Allaah puts no burden on any person beyond what He has given him. Allaah will grant after hardship, ease.” [al-Talaaq 65:7] She has no right to mistreat her husband by asking him for too much and expecting him to exhaust himself in spending on her; that is bad treatment indeed. Perhaps if you grant her some of her reasonable requests and remind her, gently and tactfully, of the requests that you have fulfilled, you may be able to lessen her anger somewhat and persuade her to stop asking for more. You could also discuss with her, quietly and without resorting to arguing, how important her requests really are and how necessary it is to keep a certain amount for things that are more important, like paying the rent and so on. This may also persuade her to stop asking. Know that what you lack in financial resources can be compensated for with kind words and promises for when things get better. When Allaah mentioned taking care of one’s relatives and upholding family ties, He also mentioned what a person can do who does not have money to give to his relatives. He says (interpretation of the meaning): “And if you turn away from them (relatives, the poor etc. whom We have ordered you to give their 287
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rights, but you have no money at the time they ask for it) and you are awaiting a mercy from your Lord for which you hope, then speak unto them a kind, soft word (i.e., Allaah will give me and I shall give you).” [al-Isra’ 18:28] Ibn Katheer (may Allaah have mercy on him) said in his interpretation of this aayah: “And if you turn away from them (relatives, the poor etc. whom We have ordered you to give their rights, but you have no money at the time they ask for it) and you are awaiting a mercy from your Lord for which you hope means: if your relatives ask you for something that We have commanded you to give them, and you do not have anything, and you turn away from them because you have nothing to spend on them, then speak unto them a kind, soft word which means, promise them, gently and kindly, that when the provision of Allaah comes, we will give it to you, in sha Allaah.” Know that a good attitude will make her forget the hardship you are going through. You have to be patient and treat her kindly, whilst repeating your advice. If life becomes too difficult and the situation between you deteriorates to such an extent that you reach a total impasse, if your efforts do not succeed and life becomes unbearable, then Allaah has permitted divorce in such cases, and this may indeed be better for both parties, as He says (interpretation of the meaning): “But if they separate (by divorce), Allaah will provide abundance for everyone of them from His Bounty. And Allaah is Ever All-Sufficient for His creatures’ need, All-Wise.” [al-Nisa’ 4:130] Islam Q&A Sheikh Muhammed Salih Al-Munajjid (www.islam-qa.com) 288
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Question Reference Number:: 1696 Title: What should a man say when he enters upon his bride? Question: What is the Sunnah when entering upon one’s wife on the wedding night? Many people mistakenly think that he should read Soorat al-Baqarah and pray, and this custom is widespread nowadays. Answer: Praise be to Allaah When a man enters upon his wife for the first time, he should take her forelock in his hand and say: “Allaahumma innee as’aluka khayrahaa wa khayra ma jabaltahaa ‘alayh, wa a’oodhu bika min sharrihaa wa sharri ma jabaltahaa ‘alayh (O Allaah, I ask You for the goodness within her and the goodness that You have made her inclined towards, and I take refuge with You from the evil within her and the evil that You have made her inclined towards).” (Reported by Abu Dawood, no. 2160; Ibn Maajah, no. 1918), But if he fears that the woman may get upset if he takes hold of her forelock and recites this du’aa’, then he can take hold of her forelock as if he is going to kiss her, and recite this du’aa’ to himself under his breath, without letting her hear him, so that she will not be upset. If she is a woman who has knowledge, she will know that this is prescribed by Islam and that there is nothing wrong with him doing and saying this in such a way that she can hear it. As for praying two rak’ahs when he enters the room where his wife is, it was reported that some of the salaf did this, so if the man does this it is good, and if he does not do it, there is nothing wrong 289
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with that. As for reciting al-Baqarah and other soorahs, I know of no basis for doing this. Liqa’ al-Baab al-Maftooh by Ibn al-‘Uthaymeen, 52/41 (www.islam-qa.com) Question Reference Number:: 2076 Title: Conflict between spouses Question: As Salaamu Alaikum: A situation arose last week between myself, my wife and her daughter. Her daughter is now 20 years old with her own child but still resides in the home with us. I said something to my wife that made her upset with me so she became very foul mouthed and ignorant with her behavior even though there were none Muslims in the home. She approached me in an ill manner and i just lightly mushed her in the face and started laughing. The next thing i know she is punching me and kicking me. I grabbed her so she would not hit me in my face anymore, that’s when her daughter got into it and started hitting me in the head. I Kept my head and did not become upset. Then her daughter called the police and they came and questioned everyone and took down a report. My wife has not shown any remorse about the behavior of her daughter and acts as thou it was ok for her child to act in that manner. At the present time I am not in the same house with them. And i really don’t want to go back there. But i truly care a lot for my wife and tries to strive with her in the way it is prescribed for us in the Quran and Sunnah. She only listens to Quran and Sunnah when there is no anger in her heart. This is a situation that has left my heart weak. Living true Islam is all that I am striving for. Please assist me in this matter. As Salaamu Alaikum 290
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Answer: Praise be to Allaah. It should be noted that one of the main reasons that cause problems between spouses, and that could cause these problems to escalate to a very bad level is a lack of knowledge of the rights which each partner has over the other. Islam states these rights clearly, and urges and obliges each partner to fulfil them, as Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning): “… And they (women) have rights (over their husbands…) similar (to those of their husbands) over them, but men have a degree (of responsibility) over them…” [al-Baqarah 2:228]. This aayah indicates that for every right that one partner has, there is a corresponding duty which the other partner must fulfil; thus balance will be achieved in all aspects of the relationship, which will strengthen the stability of family life. Ibn ‘Abbaas (may Allaah be pleased with them both) said concerning this aayah: “It is their (women’s) right to good companionship and proper treatment on the part of their husbands, and their duty to obey and do what their husbands tell them to do.” Ibn Zayd said: “Fear Allaah with regard to them (wives) just as they should fear Allaah with regard to you.” Al-Qurtubi said: “This aayah covers all the rights and duties within marriage.” One of those rights is that trivial mistakes should be overlooked, especially words and deeds by which no harm was intended. Anas ibn Maalik (may Allaah be pleased with him) reported that the Prophet SAWS (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Every son of Adam makes mistakes, and the best of those who make mistakes are those who repent.” (Reported by al-Tirmidhi, 2501; Saheeh al-Jaami’, 4/171). 291
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Both husband and wife have to be patient and put up with one another, because everyone makes mistakes, and the one with whom you have to be most patient is the one with whom you live and interacts with most. Neither party should resort to tit-for-tat reactions. If one spouse sees that the other is very angry, he or she should restrain his or her own anger, and not respond immediately. For this reason Abu’l-Darda’ said to his wife: “If you see me angry, calm me down, and if I see you angry, I will calm you down, otherwise it will be too difficult to live together.” The imaam of Ahl al-Sunnah, Imaam Ahmad (may Allaah have mercy on him) married ‘Abbaasah bint al-Mufaddal, the mother of his son Saalih, and he used to say of her: “Umm Saalih lived with me for twenty years, and we never argued over the slightest thing.” One of the most important rights/duties is that each spouse should advise and remind the other to obey Allaah. It is reported in a saheeh hadeeth that a group of the Sahaabah asked the Prophet SAWS (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him): “Teach us which kind of wealth is best, so that we may try to acquire it?” He said: “The best is a remembering tongue (one that remembers Allaah), a grateful heart and a believing wife who helps one’s faith.” (Reported by Ahmad, 5/278; al-Tirmidhi, 3039; Saheeh al-Jaami’, 5231). A man should not make his wife angry if he sees in her something that he dislikes, because if he dislikes one of her characteristics, he will like another, so he should balance the two. The Prophet SAWS (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “No believing man should hate a believing woman: if he dislikes one of her characteristics, he will like another.” (Reported by Muslim, 36). Samurah (may Allaah be pleased with him) reported that the Prophet SAWS (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Woman was created from a 292
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rib, and if you try to straighten a rib you will break it, so deal with her gently.” (Reported by Ahmad, 5/8; Ibn Hibbaan, 1308; Saheeh al-Jaami’, 2/163). One of the best ways to ensure a good atmosphere between husband and wife is a good attitude, hence Islam placed an important emphasis on this matter. The Prophet SAWS (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) was the ultimate in good treatment of others and good attitude. Abu’l-Darda’ reported that the Prophet SAWS (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “There is no good deed that will be put in the balance that will weight heavier than a good attitude. The one who has a good attitude will reach, because of it, the level of those who fast and pray.” (Reported by al-Tirmidhi, 2003; Abu Dawood, 4799). Abu Hurayrah (may Allaah be pleased with him) reported that the Prophet SAWS (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “The most perfect of the believers in faith are the best in attitude, and the best of you are those who are best to their womenfolk.” (Reported by al-Tirmidhi, 1/217; Ahmad, 2/250; AlSilsilat al-Saheehah, 284). Some of the ways in which one can treat one’s wife well are to turn a blind eye and not to pick on things, great or small, and not to rebuke or scold for every single incident, except in the case of duties towards Allaah. This is how Allaah guides us in the Qur’aan, when He says (interpretation of the meaning): “… and live with them (women) honourably. If you dislike them, it may be that you dislike a thing and Allaah brings through it a great deal of good.” [al-Nisa’ 4:19]. If a woman disobeys her husband and refuses to obey him, he has the right to discipline her as prescribed by sharee’ah. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning): “Men are the protectors and maintainers of women, because Allaah has made one of them to excel the other, and because they (spend) to 293
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support them) from their means. Therefore the righteous women are devoutly obedient (to Allaah and their husbands) and guard in the husband’s absence what Allaah orders them to guard (e.g., their chastity, their husbands property, etc.). As to those women on whose part you see ill-conduct, admonish them (first), (next) refuse to share their beds, (and last) beat them (lightly, if it is useful), but if they return to obedience, seek not against them means (of annoyance). Surely, Allaah is Ever Most High, Most Great.” [al-Nisa’ 4:34]. This aayah indicates that the husband has the right to discipline his wife when she disobeys his orders or rebels against him, and that this discipline takes a step-by-step approach which may reach the level of hitting, within certain conditions. Al-Qurtubi (may Allaah have mercy on him) said: “Know that Allaah does not command hitting in His Book in clear terms except in this passage and with regard to the prescribed punishments (hudood), so disobedience to husbands is equated with major sins, and Allaah has given the task (of disciplining) to husbands, instead of leaders, and without the need for judges, witnesses or evidence, because Allaah has entrusted wives to their husbands.” “Ill-conduct” (nushooz) here refers to disobedience, i.e., those on whose part you fear disobedience and rejection of Allaah’s command to obey their husbands. Allaah has made this discipline in stages, as follows: Admonition without “forsaking” them (refusing to share their beds) or hitting them. So the woman is reminded of her duty to be a good companion and treat her husband properly. If gentle admonition and kindly reminders do not work, then the discipline is taken to the second stage: “Forsaking”, by turning his back on her in bed or sleeping in a separate bed. But he should not go to extremes in 294
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this by keeping away for more than four months, which is the period set by Allaah for the one that swears not to approach his wife. This “forsaking” should only be for the purposes of disciplining and correcting, not for taking revenge or punishing. Hitting in a manner that is not painful, because Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning): “beat them (lightly, if it is useful),”. Ibn ‘Abbaas (may Allaah be pleased with him) said: “Forsake her in her bed, and if she mends her ways (this is good), but if not, then Allaah has given permission for you to hit her in a way that is not painful.” The husband must be careful to ensure that his hitting is for the purpose of discipline and warning, and not for any other purpose, so he must make sure that he hits as lightly as possible, by prodding with the fist and so on. ‘Ata’ said: “I said to Ibn ‘Abbaas: “What is the hitting that is not painful?” He said, “The siwaak (tooth-stick) and so on.” (i.e., hitting with the siwaak). The Prophet SAWS (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said, advising his ummah: “Fear Allaah with regard to women, for you have taken them as a trust from Allaah and they are lawful to you by the word of Allaah. Your rights over them are that they should not allow anyone to sit on your beds whom you dislike, so if they do that then hit them in a way that is not painful.” (Saheeh hadeeth). The husband should avoid hitting parts of the body that are sensitive, such as the head and stomach, and the face, because the Prophet SAWS (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) forbade hitting the face in general. Mu’aawiyah ibn Haydah (may Allaah be pleased with him) said: “I said, ‘O Messenger of Allaah, what are the rights of the wife of any one of us over us?’ He said, ‘That you feed her as you feed yourself and clothe her as you clothe yourself, and that you do not say “May Allaah make your face ugly” or hit her” i.e., in the face.’” 295
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(Reported by Abu Dawood, 2/244; Ibn Maajah, 1850; Ahmad, 4/446). If she desists, and stops rebelling, then he is not allowed to keep punishing her or to accuse her of saying or doing anything, as Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning): “…but if they return to obedience, seek not against them means (of annoyance).” With regard to your particular situation, we do not know all the details or the reason why you hit your wife or why she and her daughter attacked you. But we do understand that you are the one who started it, you started by hitting her then you made her angry by laughing at her, which is when the mistake on her part and that of her daughter occurred. What we advise you to do is to let your wife come back to you and go back to living together in one home. You should advise your wife to admit that she has made a mistake, and explain to her the seriousness what she has done by disobeying you, hitting you back and encouraging her daughter to misbehave towards you as you mentioned. This girl must understand that she is a guest in the home of her mother’s husband and she has to respect the one who has given her refuge in his home. If her presence is making things more complicated and causing more problems, then you must come to some agreement with them for the girl to move to her own home. Seek the help of Allaah, have patience and treat your wife well. We ask Allaah to help you all and create love between your hearts. May Allaah bless our Prophet Muhammad. Islam Q&A Sheikh Muhammed Salih Al-Munajjid (www.islam-qa.com) 296
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Question Reference Number:: 2864 Title: What is the ruling on drinking one’s wife’s milk? Question: My wife is currently feeding our newborn child. During sex, I drank her milk. Is her milk halal for me? Answer: Praise be to Allaah. Before answering this question, we must explain some important points about the rulings (ahkaam) concerning breastfeeding (al-radaa’). 1. Breastfeeding is proven in the Qur’aan and Sunnah, and by ijmaa’ (scholarly consensus). Qur’aan: Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning): “… your foster mothers who gave you suck, your foster milk suckling sisters…” [al-Nisa’ 4:23]. Sunnah: Ibn ‘Abbaas reported that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “What is forbidden by radaa’ (suckling or breastfeeding) is the same as what is forbidden by nasab (lineage).” (Agreed upon; alBukhaari, Muslim, 1444). Ijmaa’: The scholars agree that the effect of radaa’ (breastfeeding) prohibits marriage and creates the relationship of mahram, and permits seeing and being alone (with the people to whom one is related through radaa’). 2. For breastfeeding to have the effect of transmitting its 297
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benefits from the nursing woman to the child suckled, it must meet certain conditions, which are: The breastfeeding must happen within the first two years of the child’s life, because Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning): “The mothers shall give suck to their children for two whole years, (that is) for those (parents) who desire to complete the term of suckling…” [al-Baqarah 2:233]. The number of breastfeedings must total the known five feeds, in which the child eats his fill as if eating and drinking. If the child leaves the breast for a reason, such as to take a breath or to switch from one breast to the other, this (i.e., each separate time the child latches on) is not counted as one breastfeeding. This is the opinion of al-Shaafa’i, and the opinion favoured by Ibn al-Qayyim. The definition of rad’ah (one breastfeeding) is when the child sucks at the breast and drinks until the milk enters his stomach, then he leaves the breast of his own accord. The evidence for the number five (number of breastfeedings) is the report from ‘Aa’ishah (may Allaah be pleased with her) who said: “There was in the Qur’aan [an aayah which stipulated that] ten [was the number of] breastfeedings which created the relationship of mahram, then this was abrogated [by another aayah which stipulated] five. The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) died and [the aayah which stipulated five] was still being recited as part of the Qur’aan.” (Reported by Muslim, 1452). In other words, the abrogation came so late that when the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) died, some people had not yet heard that this aayah had been abrogated, but when they heard that it had been abrogated, they stopped reciting it, and agreed that it should not be recited, although the ruling mentioned in the aayah remained in effect. This is an abrogation of the recitation 298
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without abrogation of the ruling, which is one type of abrogation. Having understood this, breastfeeding after the first two years does not create any relationship of mahram. This is the opinion of the majority of scholars, and among the references which they quote is the aayah cited above, along with the hadeeth of the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him): “Nothing of breastfeeding creates the relationship of mahram except what fills the stomach to bursting point, before (the age of) weaning.” Reported by al-Tirmidhi. (No. 1152), who said: This is a hasan saheeh hadeeth. The application of this according to the scholars among the Companions of the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) and others is that breastfeeding does not create the relationship of mahram except when it is within the first two years, and anything after the first two whole years does not create any such relationship.” There are some other reports from the Sahaabah, such as that narrated from Abu ‘Atiyah al-Waadi’i, who said: “A man came to Ibn Mas’ood and said: ‘My wife was with me and her breasts were full of milk (she was engorged). I began to suck it and spit it out. Then I came to Abu Moosa.’ He (Ibn Mas’ood) said, ‘What did you tell him?’ So he (Abu Moosa) told him what he had told him. Then Ibn Mas’ood stood up, took the man’s hand (and said), ‘Do you think this is an infant? Breastfeeding is what produces the growth of flesh and blood.’ Abu Moosa said: ‘Do not ask me anything when this scholar is among you.’” (Reported by ‘Abd al-Razzaaq in al-Musannaf, 7/ 463, no. 13895). In al-Muwatta’ (2/603), Maalik reported that Ibn ‘Umar said: “There is no breastfeeding except for the one who is breastfed in infancy; there is no breastfeeding for one who is grown up.” Its isnaad is saheeh. Maalik also reported in al-Muwatta’ that ‘Abd-Allaah ibn 299
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Dinar said: “A man came to ‘Abd-Allaah ibn ‘Umar when I was with him in the court-house, asking him about breastfeeding one who is grown up. ‘Abd-Allaah ibn ‘Umar said: ‘A man came to ‘Umar ibn al-Khattaab and said, “I have a slave-girl with whom I used to have sexual relations, and my wife went to her and gave her her milk, then when I went to her, she said, ‘Stop, by Allaah I have given her my milk.’” ‘Umar said, “Punish her (your wife), and (continue to) go to your slave-girl, for (the ruling on) breastfeeding only applies to breastfeeding of infants.”’” Its isnaad is saheeh. From this is it clear that drinking one’s wife’s milk has no effect and does not create the relationship of mahram. Ibn Qudaamah said in al-Mughni (9/201): “One of the conditions of breastfeeding creating the relationship of mahram is that it should be within the first two years. This is the opinion of most of the scholars. Something like this was narrated from ‘Umar, ‘Ali, Ibn ‘Umar, Ibn Mas’ood, Ibn ‘Abbaas, Abu Hurayrah and the wives of the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him), apart from ‘Aa’ishah. It was also the opinion of al-Shi’bi, Ibn Shubrumah, al-Oozaa’i, al-Shaafa’i, Ishaaq, Abu Yoosuf, Muhammad, and Abu Thawr, and was narrated in one report from Maalik. On the basis of the above, drinking one’s wife’s milk has no effect, but it is better to avoid it. Shaykh Muhammad ibn Saalih al-‘Uthaymeen was asked about this matter, and he replied: Breastfeeding a grownup has no effect, because the breastfeeding which has an effect (of creating the relationship of mahram) is that which consists of five feedings or more within the first two years, before weaning. On this basis, if it happened that someone breastfed from his wife or drank her milk, he does not become her son. Fataawa Islamiyah, 3/338. And Allaah knows best. 300
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Islam Q&A Sheikh Muhammed Salih Al-Munajjid (www.islam-qa.com) Question Reference Number:: 3171 Title: Bad-tempered wife Question: As-salaamu-alaikum, I have a wife who is very temperamental. She often gets angry with me, the children and many of our family members. I have spoken to her on many occasions and she admits & then apologises thereafter. Is there something, from the Quraan or Hadith, that I may read for her to be relaxed/ calm and as far as possible for this not to happen to her. Other than this, she is a wondeful wife & mother. Answer: Praise be to Allaah. You will find a detailed answer to this question in the book “Problems and Solutions”, which you can read on this website under the heading “”shaykh Wa Hulool”, ’s books”, and in the answer to Question #658. The fact that your wife apologizes indicates that she recognizes and regrets her mistakes, which is the first step towards solving the problem. Remind her of her position in the household and that she is an example to the children, and warn her that her children may copy her bad behaviour and it may become part of their personalities, thus 301
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perpetuating the problem. Try to contain her by your patience. Your acknowledgement that she is a good wife and mother reminds me of the hadeeth of the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him): “No believing man should hate a believing woman; if he hates one of her characteristics, he will be pleased with another.” (Reported by Muslim, 2672). Al-Nawawi (may Allaah have mercy on him) said in his commentary on this hadeeth: “I.e., he should not hate her, because although he may find in her one characteristic which he dislikes, he will find something that pleases him. Although she may be ill-tempered, she may also be religious or beautiful or chaste or kind towards him or something like that.” We ask Allaah to guide your wife and make her character good. May Allaah bless our Prophet Muhammad. Islam Q&A Sheikh Muhammed Salih Al-Munajjid (www.islamqa.com) Question Reference Number:: 566 Title: Family Planing causing health difficulties Question: My understanding is that planning for having kids is OK in Islam, but limiting it is not. I have four kids, wal Hamdu li Llah, and I am in my 36th year and about to turn 37. Actually I love kids, and I feel guilty having my IUD, a means to avoid pregnancy, for my 5th year now. My husband is a good Muslim, wal Hamdu li Llah, but he does not like me to have more kids. Finally, I decided, and told him about it, next month, in-sha-Allah, I plan to remove that device from my body. For you information this device is causing problems in my menstrual timing 302
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(monthly period), and also causes infection. Thanks, and baraka Allahu feekom. Answer: Praise be to Allah. The answer to your question is found in the following three points: · Giving birth is the right of both husband and wife, and neither one of them has the right to deprive the other from doing so. · It is prohibited to take any measure which would permanently prevent pregnancy, or cause infertility. It is permissible, however, to use temporary birth control methods to delay pregnancy, as in the case of delaying pregnancy for the two years of breast feeding the first child. · It is prohibited to use any birth control method which would harm the body, as the Prophet said: “Do not (impose) harm, nor (inflect) harm”. He also said: “And your body has a right upon you”. Islam Q&A Sheikh Muhammed Salih Al-Munajjid (www.islam-qa.com) Question Reference Number:: 1078 Title: Does sharee’ah state a specific number of times that a couple should have intercourse? Question: Are a men and women allowed to have sex on their 303
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wedding night. including intercourse? If so, how often are the husband allowed to have intercourse once a week and so on. Please note, I could not use any other wording for what I am asking. Answer: Praise be to Allaah. Yes, the couple can have intercourse on the first night of their marriage if they want to. There is nothing in sharee’ah to indicate the number of times a couple may or should have intercourse, because this varies according to circumstances and personal preferences. As long as people vary in their abilities it is not possible for sharee’ah to impose a specific number in such cases. But intercourse is the right of the wife and is a duty on the husband. Ibn Qudaamah al-Hanbali (may Allaah have mercy on him) said: “Intercourse is a duty on the man – i.e., the husband should have intercourse with his wife – so long as he has no excuse. This is also the opinion of Maalik.” (alMughni, 7/30) Imaam al-Bukhaari reported from ‘Abd-Allaah ibn ‘Amr ibn al-‘Aas, who said: “The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: ‘O ‘Abd-Allah, have I not heard that you fast all day and stand all night in prayer?’ I said, ‘Yes, O Messenger of Allaah.’ He said: ‘Do not do that. Fast and break your fast, stand in prayer and sleep. For your body has rights over you, your eyes have rights over you, and your wife has rights over you.’” In the commentary on this hadeeth, it says: “The husband should not exhaust himself in worship to the extent that he becomes too weak to fulfil her rights by having intercourse with her and by earning a living.” (Fath alBari) 304
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It is also the wife’s right that her husband should spend his nights with her. Ibn Qudaamah al-Hanbali said: “If he has a wife, he should spend one night in four with her, so long as he has no excuse.” (Al-Mughni, 7/28; Kashf alQinaa’, 3/144). Shaykh al-Islam Ibn Taymiyah said: “It is obligatory for the husband to have intercourse with his wife as much as is needed to satisfy her, so long as this does not exhaust him physically or keep him away from earning a living… If they dispute over this matter, the judge should prescribe more in the way of intercourse just as he may prescribe more in the way of spending.” (Al-Ikhtiyaaraat alFiqhiyyah min Fataawa Shaykh al-Islam Ibn Taymiyah, p. 246) Sharee’ah also requires that a wife be protected from immorality by means of her husband having intercourse with her, as much as is needed to satisfy her and to provide this protection. But there is no way that this can be stated in terms of a specific period of time, such as four months, or more, or less. It should be defined according to the wife’s needs and her husband’s ability to fulfil her rights… All of this applies in normal circumstances, when the husband is present and living with his wife. If the husband is absent from his wife because he is travelling for a legitimate purpose or other legitimate excuse, in this case the husband should try not to be absent from his wife for too long. If he is absent because he is doing something for the benefit of the Muslims as a whole, such as participating in jihaad for the sake of Allaah or patrolling the borders of Islam, he should be permitted to go back to his family once every four months or less, so that he can spend time with them before returning to his duties in jihaad or border patrol. This was the policy of ‘Umar ibn al-Khattaab (may 305
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Allah be pleased with him), who stipulated that soldiers and members of the border patrol should be absent from their wives for only four months, after which time they should be brought back and others sent to take their place… (Al-Mufassal fi Ahkaam al-Mar’ah by Zaydaan, 7/239). And Allaah is the source of strength. Islam Q&A Sheikh Muhammed Salih Al-Munajjid (www.islamqa.com) Question Reference Number:: 1219 Title: Is it OK to use condoms? Question: ASSLAMU ALAIKUM. I WANT TO KNOW WHETHER CONDOMS CAN BE USED. OR WHAT IS THE MEANS OF PREVENTING PREGNANCY. WHAT IS THE ADVISABLE MEANS ACCORDING TO ISLAM Answer: Praise be to Allaah. It is permissible to use condoms so long as this does not cause any harm and so long as both husband and wife consent to their use, because this is similar to ‘azl (coitus interruptus or “withdrawal”). But it reduces the sensation of pleasure, which is the right of both partners, and reduces the chance of conception, which is also the right of both partners. Neither one of them is allowed to deprive the 306
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other of these rights. (For more information, see Question #1100 and 566). And Allaah is the course of strength. Islam Q&A Sheikh Muhammed Salih Al-Munajjid (www.islamqa.com) Question Reference Number:: 2300 Title: Knowing how to handle the marital relationship Question: As-Salamu-laykim, This is a very complicated question to answer but InshaAllah, Allah(swt) will make it easy for us. I recentlly got married and I find myself in a world of problems. Our personalities clash, our mentalities are different. My wife feels that I terrible to her, and the worse part is that it’s all misunderstandings that have been cleared up through consultations. However, my wife is also supisious, very defiant, and often insults and accuses me of being devious and a hyprocrite. So what should i do ? Answer: Praise be to Allaah. Part of the Grace and Kindness of Allaah towards the sons of Adam is that He has prescribed marriage for them, and has made it so that they produce offspring in this organized and proper fashion. Marriage is one of the strongest and most noble covenants in the sight of Allaah, 307
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and the family is the most important unit in the structure of society. It is essential that a person gives priority to putting his own house in order and strives to teach his family the laws of Allaah. One of the things that he should make sure he teaches his wife is the duties that she has towards her husband, and the rights that are due to her. Islam has stated these rights and duties, and it obliges and urges both spouses to fulfil them. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning): “… And they (women) have rights (over their husbands) similar to (those of their husbands) over them to what is reasonable, but men have a degree (of responsibility) over them…” [al-Baqarah 2:228] The aayah states that for every right there is a reciprocal duty which must be fulfilled. In this way balance is achieved between them in all aspects, which supports the stability of family life. Ibn ‘Abbaas (may Allaah be pleased with him) said concerning the aayah: “It means: they have the right to good companionship and kind treatment on the part of their husbands, just as they have to obey their husbands in whatever they tell them to do.” Ibn Zayd said: “Fear Allaah concerning them just as they have to fear Allaah concerning you.” Al-Qurtubi said: “This aayah includes all the marital rights and duties.” Among these rights and duties are: Turning a blind eye to faults and mistakes, especially words and deeds by which nothing bad was intended. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning): “… those who repress anger, and who pardon men; verily Allaah loves as muhsinoon (the good-doers).” [Aal ‘Imraan 3:134] Both husband and wife must put up with one another, for every child of Adam may slip, and the person whom one should put up with the most is the one with whom one 308
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lives and mixes the most. Neither party should resort to a tit-for-tat response. If one spouse sees the other becoming very angry, he or she should restrain his or her own anger and not respond immediately. For this reason Abu’l-Darda’ (may Allaah be pleased with him) said to his wife: “If you see me angry, calm me down, and if I see you angry I will calm you down, otherwise we cannot live together.” Among the most important duties is: Each spouse should advise the other to obey Allaah. According to a saheeh hadeeth, some of the Sahaabah asked the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him): “Can you tell us which kind of wealth is the best, so that we may strive to acquire it?” He said: “The best (wealth) is a remembering tongue (one which always remembers Allaah), a thankful heart, and a believing wife who will help you with your faith.” (Reported by Ahmad, 5/278; al-Tirmidhi, 3039; Saheeh al-Jaami’, 5231) A man should not hate his wife if he sees in her something that he dislikes, because if he dislikes one of her characteristics, he will like another which will make up for it. It was reported that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “No believing man should hate a believing woman; if he dislikes one of her characteristics, he will be pleased with another.” (Reported by Muslim, 36). Samurah (may Allaah be pleased with him) reported that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Woman was created from a rib, and if you try to straighten the rib you will break it, so be gentle with her and you will be able to live with her.” (Reported by Ahmad, 5/8; Ibn Maajah, 1308; Saheeh al-Jaami’, 2/163). One of the most important things that can make married life happy is a good attitude, hence Islam raised its status. 309
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The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) reached the utmost heights of good treatment of others and good attitude. Abu’l-Darda’ reported that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “There is nothing that can be placed in the scales that will weigh heavier than a good attitude, and a good attitude can help a person reach the status of one who fasts and prays.” (Reported by al-Tirmidhi, 2003; Abu Dawood, 4799). Abu Hurayrah (may Allaah be pleased with him) reported that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “The most perfect of the believers in faith are those who are the best in attitude, and the best of you are those who are best to their women.” (Reported by al-Tirmidhi, 1/217; Ahmad, 2/250; alSilsilah al-Saheehah, 284). Both spouses should turn a blind eye and avoid picking on matters great and small, or rebuking and scolding about any matter except duties towards Allaah. This is what Allaah tells us to do (interpretation of the meaning): “… And live with them (women) honourably. If you dislike them, it may be that you dislike a thing and Allaah brings through it a great deal of good.” [al-Nisa’ 4:19]. As far as different environments are concerned, a man should take care to pay special attention to this, such as allowing his wife to mix with good women from among her surroundings and intelligent, well-mannered women from among your surroundings. Although she must obey you and not go out of your house without permission, at the same time you should not prevent her from going out to places where she wants to go, so long as there is nothing bad there. You should let her receive trustworthy women in her house, in order to have some social life and a refreshing change of routine, especially in our times when 310
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many women no longer obey the Divine command to remain in their homes and do not pay proper attention to it – especially Muslim women who live in non-Muslim countries where there is too much freedom. We also advise you to give her some freedom of choice in issues that do not cause any harm, such as choosing food, colours for things in the house, or gifts to be given on various occasions. You should also seek her opinion in matters of concern to you both, such as naming your children – knowing that this is your right according to Islam – and where to spend your vacation. You should also involve her and seek her opinion when making some decisions in which it is appropriate to include her, such as dealing with behavioural problems in your children, finding ways to reconcile disputing relatives or neighbours, and especially in resolving the problems between the two of you. Try to raise her level of education with suitable reading material and attendance at gatherings where the program and fellow-attendees will help to achieve the desired aim. Such programs may be available in some Islamic centres. Know that paying attention to her intellectual level, working with her way of thinking, understanding her psychology, treating her appropriately, being good to her and making her feel good are among the most effective ways of showing how wise and manly you are and how good your personality is. We ask Allaah to reconcile between you and bring you back together, and help you both to do that which He likes and which pleases Him. Islam Q&A Sheikh Muhammed Salih Al-Munajjid (www.islam-qa.com) 311
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Question Reference Number:: 2083 Title: Does a woman have the right to hit her husband if he mistreats her? Question: Assalamu Alaikum I know that in Islam a husband is allowed to lightly tap his wife (never in the face) and only as a last resort if she is disobedient. Can you tell me whether this is also the case in the event of the husband being disobedient. I was told that she is not allowed to tap her husband because Islam practices gender inequality. What is the truth? Please answer as soon as you can because I want to embrace Islam and my friends and some family members say that Islam discriminates against women when it comes to these issues. Jazak Allah Answer: Praise be to Allaah. We would like to apologize for answering only one of your questions, due to the fact that our time is short. Now let us answer your question as follows: If a father mistreats his son, does the son have the right to hit his father? Why not? If a mother mistreats her daughter, does the daughter have the right to hit her mother? Why not? If a teacher mistreats his student, does the student have the right to hit his teacher? Why not? 312
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If a commander mistreats a soldier, does the soldier have the right to hit his commander? Why not? The answer in all the above cases is: No, and the reason for this is clear. It is because the father’s position is higher than that of his son, the mother’s position is higher than that of her daughter, and the teacher’s position is higher than that of the student. Hence it is not appropriate for the people in the lower position to punish those whose position is higher. The same applies to husband and wife: the husband is in charge of his wife, and she has to obey him and not go out without his permission, otherwise the stability of the family will be destroyed. The family should have just one leader to steer its course, and that leader is the one who spends on the family and protects it. The husband is physically stronger and is more wise than the wife. We can easily understand if he disciplines his wife when she does something wrong, but we cannot imagine the wife hitting the husband if he is at fault. Would she hit someone who is physically stronger than she is? Would she hit her leader and protector? At the same time, the husband is not allowed to hit his wife for every little thing or as he wishes. If she is at fault or is rebellious, he should first warn and advise her. If that doesn’t work, then he should withhold conjugal relations and not speak to her, until she comes to her senses. If that doesn’t work, then he is allowed to hit her, but not in a painful fashion. This does not mean that her entire body is his to beat as he wishes – no, and a thousand times no! Islam does not allow him to hit her severely or leave bruises, or break her bones, or cause her to bleed, neither is he allowed to hit her on the face (as you pointed out in your question). The hitting that is allowed is within certain limits and is for the purpose of discipline, not for revenge or to vent one’s anger. If his wife responds and returns to obedience, he has no right to seek means of annoyance against her. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning): “Men are 313
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the protectors and maintainers of women, because Allaah has made one of them to excel the other, and because they spend (to support them) from their means. Therefore the righteous women are devoutly obedient (to Allaah and to their husbands), and guard in the husband’s absence what Allaah order them to guard (e.g., their chastity, their husband’s property, etc.). As to those women on whose part you fear ill-conduct, admonish them (first), (next), refuse to share their beds, (and last) beat them (lightly, if it is useful), but if they return to obedience, seek not against them means (of annoyance). Surely, Allaah is Ever Most High, Most Great.” [al-Nisaa’ 4:34] If it is the husband who is mistreating his wife, that does not mean that she should remain oppressed or that her hands are tied. She has the right – just as the husband has – to warn and advise him, and to remind him to fear Allaah. If that does not work, she can seek the help of wise people among his relatives and her own, and they can advise him. If this does not work, then the matter can be taken to a qaadi (Muslim judge) who can force him to do the right thing – and Allaah is above them all. When Islam differentiates between the sexes, it is in the interests of both, and this is the essence of wisdom. Unlike a man, a woman does not have to pray and fast when she has her period, out of consideration for her condition. She does not have to spend on her husband, because he is stronger and more able to earn a living. In return, she has to obey him and ask his permission before leaving the house; the reverse does not apply. In the event of a separation, it is the mother, and not the father, who has the right to custody of the children. And there are other rulings which are based on an acknowledgment of the differences between the sexes. Can we then say that this is oppression or unfair discrimination? No, by Allaah, 314
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this is justice and wisdom, revealed by the Wise, AllAware, All-Knowing, All-Seeing. We hope that this explanation will make the true picture clearer for you. Put aside the doubts and confusions of those who are ignorant and hate this religion, and enter Islam in which there is justice, safety, security and happiness. Peace be upon those who follow true guidance. Islam Q&A Sheikh Muhammed Salih Al-Munajjid (www.islamqa.com) Question Reference Number:: 2006 Title: A woman refusing to have intercourse with her husband Question: If wife deos not allow his husband to have intercourse than what will happen to women. 1.Women will be divorced. 2.Man should give her divorce. 3.Man should marriage someone else. 4.Others. Answer: Praise be to Allaah. If a woman refuses her husband’s request to come to bed with no Islamically-sound reason (such as sickness, or 315
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his being drunk, for example), what happens is as described below: Abu Hurayrah (may Allaah be pleased with him) said: “The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: ‘If a man calls his wife to his bed and she refuses [and does not come], and he spends the night angry with her, the angels will curse her until morning.’” (Reported by al-Bukhaari, 4794; the additional phrase quoted in square brackets is from Abu Dawood, al-Sunan, Kitaab al-Nikaah, Bab haqq al-zawj ‘ala’l-mar’ah). In the phrase “if a man calls his wife to his bed,” the word “bed” is obviously a metaphor for intercourse. Metaphors are used in the Qur’aan and Sunnah to refer to things about which people usually feel shy. Does this apply only to the nighttime, or does it include daytime too? The answer may be found in a hadeeth narrated by Muslim: “By the One in Whose hand is my soul, there is no man who calls his wife to his bed and she refuses, but the One Who is above the heavens [i.e. Allaah] will be angry with her, until he (her husband) is pleased with her.” Ibn Khuzaymah and Ibn Hibbaan report a hadeeth narrated by Jaabir: “There are three whose prayers will not be accepted and none of whose good deeds will ascend to heaven: a runaway slave, until he returns to his master; a drunken man until he becomes sober; and a woman with whom her husband is angry, until he is pleased with her.” These are general terms, which include both night and day. The phrase “and he spends the night angry with her” refers to the cause of the angels’ curse, because this confirms that she is a sinner, which is a different matter than if he accepts her excuse and is not angry with her, or lets the matter drop. Is she to blame if he keeps her away from his bed? The answer is: no, unless she is the one who started the separation and he is keeping away from her 316
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because of it, and she did not apologize but prolonged the separation. But if he is the one who started it, and is thus treating her unfairly, then she is not to blame. In one report, instead of the words “the angels curse her until morning,” the wording is “… until she returns” – and this is a useful variant. This hadeeth tells us that denying a spouse’s rights – whether physical or financial – is something that will inevitably bring about the wrath of Allaah, unless Allaah grants His mercy to the sinner. We also learn that the angels will pray against a sinner so long as he or she persists in the sin. The hadeeth also directs a wife to help her husband and seek his satisfaction, because a man is less patient than a woman when it comes to doing without intercourse. The most disturbing thing for a man is his sexual impulse, so Islam urges women to help their husbands in this regard. (Adapted and abbreviated from the commentary by alHaafiz Ibn Hijr – may Allaah have mercy on him – on this hadeeth in Fath al-Baari). Whether the husband wants to discipline his wife, or forgive her, or take another wife, or divorce her, this is all up to him to choose. Let the woman beware of incurring her husband’s wrath because this will lead to Allaah’s being angry with her. We ask Allaah to rectify this situation. May Allaah bless our Prophet Muhammad. Islam Q&A Sheikh Muhammed Salih Al-Munajjid (www.islam-qa.com) 317
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Question Reference Number:: 1986 Title: It is not obligatory to have intercourse on the first night of marriage Question: Asalaam-O-Alaikum I am getting married in few months..My question is do husband and wife have to have sex the first night? I have heard that if you dont have the intercorse fist night of your marriage, you’re commiting a sin and u can’t celebrate walima, is that true? May allah bless you for leading us muslims to the right path Answer: Praise be to Allaah. What you have heard - that it is obligatory to have intercourse on the first night of marriage - is not correct at all. Not having intercourse on that night is not a sin, and does not prevent one from celebrating the waleemah (wedding feast). Whatever happens between the two partners on their wedding night is their concern alone, and they know best what will suit their own personalities. This is a good opportunity to remind Muslim men and women of the importance of verifying whatever they hear, and to warn them not to accept Islamic rulings from people who are not qualified to give them. We ask Allaah to help us learn that which will benefit us, and to benefit us from that which we learn. Islam Q&A Sheikh Muhammed Salih Al-Munajjid (www.islam-qa.com) 318
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Question Reference Number:: 2007 Title: Does disliking one another and not having any conjugal relations for years cancel out a marriage? Question: My friend and his wife are living horrible life. They do not like each other. They do not have intercourse since last six years. Wife does not allow his husband to have intercoure. Do they have a relation of husband and wife? Do they continue their life? What do you suggest for them? Answer: Praise be to Allaah. We put this question to our shaykh, Shaykh ‘Abd alRahmaan al-Barraak, who responded as follows: Yes, the relationship between them is that of husband and wife. So long as he does not divorce her, she is his wife. The marital contract is not cancelled by a lack of love between the spouses or by whatever disputes and differences there may be between them. It can only be cancelled if her husband divorces her or the marriage is annulled. Both partners should fear Allaah, and the husband should treat his wife decently. If he dislikes her, he should either keep her and treat her decently, or let her go in a proper manner. The wife should fear Allaah, give her husband his rights, put up with his bad treatment and 319
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obey him in things that are good and proper. And Allaah knows best. With regard to the ruling on the case of a wife refusing her husband’s call to his bed, see Question # 2006. Islam Q&A Sheikh Muhammed Salih Al-Munajjid (www.islamqa.com) Question Reference Number:: 1925 Title: Wife not interested in intercourse Question: I’ve married 4 years ago, and I have a 3 years old daughter. My wife is not interested in sex at all. We’ve tried several doctors but [with] no progress. I do masturbate a lot, which caused some bad effects but I can’t stop as we live in Canada, where you can’t marry more than one wife. Is this a good reason to marry a second wife, or is there any other solution to my problem? Answer: Praise be to Allaah, and peace and blessings be upon His Messenger. I ask Allaah to help you, my brother, to cope with this problem which you are suffering from, and which has to do with the mother of your daughter, the closest of people to you. I would like to make three points to you: You are permitted to enjoy your wife in any of the ways 320
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which Allaah has permitted to you. This includes masturbation by her hand. The reason you have mentioned in your question is sufficient grounds for taking another wife. If you can find no other solution to this problem except divorcing this woman, between whom and you there is no longer any relationship in the marital bed, and marrying another woman afterwards, there is nothing wrong with that, in shaa’ Allaah. You should consult the brothers around you who know your situation, and seek the guidance of Allaah by praying istikhaarah. May Allaah guide you to the right way. May Allaah bless our Prophet Muhammad. Islam Q&A Sheikh Muhammed Salih Al-Munajjid (www.islamqa.com) Question Reference Number:: 930 Title: The Man is Head of Household Question: IF THE MAN IS NOT THE MAIN SOURCE OF INCOME IS HE CONSIDERED AS THE HEAD OF THE HOUSEHOLD? Answer: Praise be to Allaah. Qiwaamah (the role of being in charge or head of the household) is one of the things that Allaah has given to 321
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men, exclusive of women. What is meant by qiwaamah is that men are entrusted with the task of being responsible for women, to take care of them, to guide them in the best possible way, and to issue commands and prohibitions - just as a ruler takes care of the people under his control. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning): “...but men have a degree (of responsibility) over them [women]...” [al-Baqarah 2:228] and “Men are the protectors and maintainers of women, because Allaah has made one of them to excel the other, and because they spend (to support them) from their means...” [al-Nisaa’ 4:34] Ibn Katheer said: “This means that men are in charge of women; they govern them and discipline them if they do wrong.” Al-‘Allaamah Shaykh al-Shanqeeti said: “This indicates that men are better than women, because the masculine is honour and perfection, whereas the feminine naturally has something lacking physically. All people are agreed on this, because all peoples give women the best of adornments, which is only to make up for this natural lack...” Rare cases among women are nothing to go by, because the exception does not change the rule. Some of the reasons why men are given the role of qiwaamah include: 1. Men are more intelligent and have a better ability to distinguish right from wrong. Al-Qurtubi said: “Men have the advantage of being more wise and more capable of management; for this reason they were given the right of qiwaamah.” 2. Men’s religion is more complete, because women menstruate and bleed after childbirth, and do not pray or fast at such times - unlike men. 3. Spending money in charity and on one’s family is a duty on men, but not on women. 322
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Thus if a man refuses to spend on his wife, she has the right to seek an annulment of the marriage by going to a Qaadi (Sharee’ah judge). In summary, qiwaamah is only for men, as is made clear in the Qur’aan. If a woman spends on her husband, herself and her children, this is an act of kindness on her part, as Allaah, may He be exalted, says (interpretation of the meaning): “... but if they, of their own good pleasure, remit any part of it (the mahr) to you, take it, and enjoy it without fear of any harm (as Allaah has made it lawful).” [alNisaa’ 4:4] Qiwaamah is for men in all cases: one can hardly imagine a man asking his wife for permission to go out, for example. And Allaah knows best. For more information on this matter, please refer to: Ibn al-‘Arabi, Ahkaam al-Qur’aan, 1/531; Ahkaam al-Jassaas, 2/188; Tafseer al-Qurtubi, 2/169; Tafseer Ibn Katheer, 1/ 491; al-Shanqeeti, Adwaa’ al-Bayaan, 1/136-137) Islam Q&A Sheikh Muhammed Salih Al-Munajjid (www.islamqa.com) Question Reference Number:: 826 Title: Masturbation between husband and wife Question: Is masturbation haram between man and wife? Answer: Praise be to Allaah. It is not haraam, rather, it is permissible, because it is a part of the enjoyment which 323
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Allaah has allowed. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning): ”Those who guard their chastity (.e., [private parts, from illegal sexual acts) Except from their wives or (the captives and slaves) that their right hands possess, - for them, they are free from blame.” [al-Mu’minoon 23:5-6] Islam Q&A Sheikh Muhammed Salih Al-Munajjid (www.islamqa.com) Question Reference Number:: 1202 Title: What is Said Just Prior to Intercourse Question: Salam; I have a question that everyone I asked had a different answer for. Does the Muslim have to say anything during the sexual intercourse “nikkah”?, and does the Muslim “husband and wife “ have to pray before the first day of sexual intercourse “nikkah”? Thank you for having this website to help us understand our religion more. Answer: Praise be to Allah; Among the manners prescribed by the shari’ah is that the 324
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Muslim should say when he commences intercourse with his wife: ”bismillaah, oh Allaah, shield us from Satan and keep him away from us and from what You [may] bestow upon us (i.e. children)” narrated by Al-Bukhari, Fath ul-Baari # 138 [transliteration: “bismillaah, allaahumma jannibnashshaytaana wa jannib-ash-shaytaana maa razaqtana”] This opening invocation is useful in that if Allaah blesses the husband and the wife with a child, this child will not be harmed by Satan. As for what is to be said by the husband when consummating the marriage with his wife,(please refer to Question# 854 which has been answered previously) . Islam Q&A Sheikh Muhammed Salih Al-Munajjid (www.islamqa.com) Question Reference Number:: 587 Title: Permissibility of contraception Question: Is contraception allowed ? Answer: Al-hamdu lillaah. Contraception is permitted under the following conditions: 325
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Mutual agreement of both husband and wife. It does not cause harm. It is not be practiced on a permanent basis, but rather for a temporary period (such as two years until the breastfeeding of the current baby is completed, for example). Islam Q&A Sheikh Muhammed Salih Al-Munajjid (www.islamqa.com) Question Reference Number:: 34 Title: Is it obligatory to inform spouse of previous sins and misconduct Question: A woman says she married a virtuous man. But she had committed things before marriage that Allah disapproves of. Now her conscience pricks her. She would like to know if it is necessary for her to confess to her husband what she used to do before marriage? Answer: No, it is not necessary for either of the two spouses to inform the other of what they used to do before their marriage. Let he or she who happens to have fallen in such evils conceal himself or herself just as Allah has concealed them. A true repentance should suffice. As for he who married a virgin, but it became apparent to him at consummation that she is not so for reasons of 326
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promiscuity committed before marriage, then he has the to take back the mahr (dower) he paid her and separate from her. Nevertheless, if he finds that she has truly repented, then if he keeps it confidential and conceals the matter and retains her in marriage, surely he will be rewarded for it by Allah. Excerpted from the book I Want to Repent but… (www.islam-qa.com)
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Chapter 3 Transactions Marriage: Marriage Contract 44600: She committed zina with a Christian, then she married a Muslim – what is the ruling on the children they produce? Question: A Muslim girl lived with a Christian man without any marriage contract for a period of time, then she left him and married a Muslim. What is the ruling on what she did? Is she permissible for her Muslim husband? What is the ruling on the children that she has with her Muslim husband? Peace be on those who follow true guidance. Answer: Praise be to Allaah. This woman has to repent to Allaah from the sins and evil actions that she has committed, regret that deeply, resolve never to do it again, and do as many righteous deeds as she can, because Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning): “And verily, I am indeed forgiving to him who repents, believes (in My Oneness, and associates none in worship with Me) and does righteous good deeds, and then remains constant in doing them (till his death)” [Ta-Ha 20:82] 328
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1 – The Islamic ruling on that is clear: zina is an immoral action and a major sin, and a reprehensible crime for which a person deserves the curse, anger and wrath of Allaah for transgressing His sacred limits; and deserves His punishment in this world by being given one hundred lashes if he or she is not previously-married, and being stoned to death if he or she was previously-married. We ask Allaah to keep us safe and sound. But whoever commits any such action then repents sincerely to Allaah, his bad deeds will be turned to good deeds. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning): “And those who invoke not any other ilaah (god) along with Allaah, nor kill such person as Allaah has forbidden, except for just cause, nor commit illegal sexual intercourse and whoever does this shall receive the punishment. 69. The torment will be doubled to him on the Day of Resurrection, and he will abide therein in disgrace; 70. Except those who repent and believe (in Islamic Monotheism), and do righteous deeds; for those, Allaah will change their sins into good deeds, and Allaah is OftForgiving, Most Merciful” [al-Furqaan 25:68-70] 2 – With regard to her marriage to a Muslim man, if it was done after she repented and established that she was not pregnant as a result of zina, then there is nothing wrong with that, otherwise it is haraam, because it is not permissible to marry a woman who is known to have committed zina until after she has repented and established that she is not pregnant by waiting one menstrual cycle, according to the most correct scholarly view. The Hanbalis and Maalikis are of the view that she should establish she is not pregnant by waiting three menstrual cycles, as in 329
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the case of a woman who is divorced by talaaq. The former view was narrated from Ahmad (may Allaah have mercy on him) and was favoured by Shaykh al-Islam Ibn Taymiyah (may Allaah have mercy on him), and is supported by the report which speaks of establishing that a female prisoner of war (i.e., a woman captured by the Muslim army in a war against the kuffaar) is not pregnant, which was narrated from Abu Sa’eed al-Khudri (may Allaah be pleased with him) who said that the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said concerning the female prisoners of Awtaas: “No one should have intercourse with a pregnant (concubine) until she has given birth, or with one who is not pregnant until one menstrual cycle has passed.” Classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in Saheeh Abi Dawood. The benefit of establishing that she is not pregnant by waiting one menstrual cycle is to ensure that she is not pregnant as a result of zina, so that the “water” (semen) of marriage will not be mixed with that of an immoral relationship. If he married her during the time when it had not yet been established whether she was pregnant or not, then the marriage should be annulled until that has been established, after which he may marry her if he wants. 3 – With regard to the ruling on the children, doubts apply only to the first pregnancy after the marriage. If she gave birth to a child after less than six months from the date of the marriage, then according to sharee’ah the child cannot be attributed to the husband or named after him, because that falls short of the minimum length of pregnancy which is six months. If she gave birth six months or more from the date of the marriage, then the child should be attributed to the husband and is regarded as his son, even if she married 330
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without having repented or establishing that she was not pregnant, so the child should be named after the husband in this case. See al-Mughni, 7/108; al-Fataawa al-Kubra by Ibn Taymiyah, 3/176; Mawaahib al-Jaleel, 3/413 It should also be noted that the basic principle concerning the phrase “Peace be upon those who follow true guidance” is that it should be said to a kaafir when writing to him, not to a Muslim. It says in Kishshaaf al-Qinaa’ (3/130): If a person writes a letter to a kaafir and wants to include a greeting in it, he should write “Peace be upon those who follow true guidance”, because that carries a comprehensive meaning. The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) used to use this phrase when he wrote to the kings around him such as Chosroes, Caesar and al-Muqawqis. And Allaah knows best. Islam Q&A (www.islam-qa.com) 45645: A realistic look at marriage to women of the People of the Book Question: Does a Muslim man have the right to marry a Christian or Jewish woman as the Messenger (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) married Maariyah al-Qibtiyyah?. Answer: Praise be to Allaah.
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The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) did not marry Maariyah al-Qibtiyyah, rather she was his concubine. The Muqawqis, the ruler of Egypt, gave her as gift to him after the Treaty of al-Hudaybiyah. It is permissible to have intercourse with a slave woman, even if she is not Muslim, because she is part of “what one’s right hand possesses,” and Allaah has permitted “what one’s right hand possesses” without stipulating that the slave woman be a Muslim. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning): “And those who guard their chastity (i.e. private parts, from illegal sexual acts) 6. Except from their wives or (the slaves) that their right hands possess,.. for then, they are free from blame” [alMu’minoon 23:5-6] With regard to marrying a Christian or Jewish woman, this is permissible according to the text of the Qur’aan. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning): “Made lawful to you this day are AtTayyibaat [all kinds of Halaal (lawful) foods, which Allaah has made lawful (meat of slaughtered eatable animals, milk products, fats, vegetables and fruits)]. The food (slaughtered cattle, eatable animals) of the people of the Scripture (Jews and Christians) is lawful to you and yours is lawful to them. (Lawful to you in marriage) are chaste women from the believers and chaste women from those who were given the Scripture (Jews and Christians) before your time when you have given their due Mahr (bridal-money given by the husband to his wife at the time of marriage), desiring chastity (i.e. taking them in legal wedlock) not committing illegal sexual intercourse, nor taking them as girlfriends” [al-Maa’idah 5:5]
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Ibn al-Qayyim said: It is permissible to marry a woman from the People of the Book. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning): “(Lawful to you in marriage) are chaste [muhsan] women from the believers and chaste women from those who were given the Scripture (Jews and Christians) before your time” [al-Maa’idah 5:5] Muhsan here means chaste; the same word is also used in Soorat al-Nisa’ to describe married women, who are forbidden in marriage to anyone else. And it was said that the chaste women to whom marriage is permitted is free women, so slave women from the People of the Book are not permissible. However, the first view is the one which is correct, for several reasons… The point is that Allaah has permitted us to marry chaste women from among the People of the Book, and the companions of the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) did that. ‘Uthmaan married a Christian woman, as did Talhah ibn ‘Ubayd-Allaah; and Hudhayfah married a Jewish woman. ‘Abd-Allaah ibn Ahmad said: I asked my father about a Muslim man who married a Christian or Jewish woman. He said: I do not like for him to do it, but if he does, then some of the companions of the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) did that too. Ahkaam Ahl al-Dhimmah, 2/794, 795. Although we say that it is permissible, and we do not doubt that there is a clear text concerning that, nevertheless we do not think that a Muslim should marry a kitaabi
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woman (a woman of the people of the Book), for several reasons: 1 – One of the conditions of marriage to a kitaabi woman is that she should be chaste, but there are very few chaste women to be found in those environments. 2 – One of the conditions of marriage to a kitaabi woman is that the Muslim man should be in charge of the family. But what happens nowadays in that those who marry women from kaafir countries marry them under their laws, and there is a great deal of injustice in their systems. They do not recognize a Muslim’s authority over his wife and children, and if the wife gets angry with her husband she will destroy his household and take the children away, with the support of the laws of her land and with the help of their embassies in most countries. It is no secret that the Muslim countries have no power to resist the pressure of those countries and their embassies. 3 – The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) encouraged us to look for Muslim wives who are religiously committed. If a woman is Muslim but is not religiously committed and of good character, then the Muslim is not encouraged to marry her, because marriage is not simply the matter of physical enjoyment only, rather it is the matter of Allaah’s rights and the spouse’s rights, and preserving his household, his honour and his wealth, and bringing up his children. How can a man who marries a kitaabi woman be certain that his sons and daughters will be raised according to Islam when he is leaving them in the hands of this mother who does not believe in Allaah and associates others with Him? Hence even though we say that it is permissible to marry a kitaabi woman, it is not encouraged and we do not advise it, because of the negative consequences that result from that. The wise Muslim should choose the best woman to 334
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bear his children and think in the long term about his children and their religious upbringing. He should not let his desire or worldly interests or transient outward beauty blind him to reality; true beauty is the beauty of religious commitment and good morals. He should realize that if he forsakes these type of women for the sake of that which is better for his religious commitment and that of his children, Allaah will compensate him with something better, because “Whoever gives up something for the sake of Allaah, Allaah will compensate him with something better than that, as the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) told us, the one who speaks the truth and does not speak of his own whims and desires. Allaah is the source of strength and the One Who guides to the Straight Path. See also the answer to question no. 2527 And Allaah knows best. Islam Q&A (www.islam-qa.com) 44695: Are the Jews and Christians who exist nowadays mushrikeen (polytheists) and is it permissible to marry their women? Question: What is the ruling on marrying a Jewish or Christian woman? Are the Jews and Christians of this age regarded as people of the Book or as mushrikeen?. Answer: Praise be to Allaah. 335
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Marriage to a Jewish or Christian woman is permissible according to the view of the majority of scholars. Ibn Qudaamah (may Allaah have mercy on him) said in alMughni (7/99): There is no difference of opinion among the scholars concerning the permissibility of marrying free women of the people of the Book. Among those from whom this view was narrated are ‘Umar, ‘Uthmaan, Talhah, Hudhayfah, Salmaan, Jaabir, and others. Ibn al-Mundhir said: There is no sound narration from any of the earliest generation to suggest that this is haraam. Al-Khallaal narrated, with his isnaad, that Hudhayfah, Talhah, al-Jaarood ibn al-Mu’alla and Udhaynah al-‘Abdi all married women from among the people of the Book. This was also the view of the rest of the scholars. The main evidence concerning that is the verse in which Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning): “Made lawful to you this day are At Tayyibaat [all kinds of Halaal (lawful) foods, which Allaah has made lawful (meat of slaughtered eatable animals, milk products, fats, vegetables and fruits)]. The food (slaughtered cattle, eatable animals) of the people of the Scripture (Jews and Christians) is lawful to you and yours is lawful to them. (Lawful to you in marriage) are chaste women from the believers and chaste women from those who were given the Scripture (Jews and Christians) before your time when you have given their due Mahr (bridal-money given by the husband to his wife at the time of marriage), desiring chastity (i.e. taking them in legal wedlock) not committing illegal sexual intercourse, nor taking them as girlfriends. And whosoever disbelieves in Faith, [i.e. in the Oneness of Allaah and in all the other Articles of Faith i.e. His (Allaah’s) Angels, His Holy Books, His Messengers, the Day of Resurrection and Al Qadar (Divine 336
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Preordainments)], then fruitless is his work; and in the Hereafter he will be among the losers” [al-Maa’idah 5:5] What is meant by muhsanah (translated here as chaste) is free and chaste women. Ibn Katheer (may Allaah have mercy on him) said in his Tafseer: This is the view of the majority here, and this is what appears to be the case; lest she not only be a dhimmiyah but also unchaste, in which case she will be totally corrupt and her husband will end up as described in the proverb, “He bought bad dates and was cheated in weights and measures too”. The apparent meaning of the verse is that what is meant by al-muhsanaat (chaste women) is women who refrain from zina, as Allaah says in another verse (interpretation of the meaning): “they (the above said slave-girls) should be chaste [muhsanaat], not committing illegal sex, nor taking boyfriends” [al-Nisa’ 4:25] The Christians and Jews are kuffaar and mushrikeen, according to the Qur’aan, but they are excluded from the prohibition on marrying their women, because Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning): “And do not marry Al-Mushrikaat (idolatresses) till they believe (worship Allaah Alone). And indeed a slave woman who believes is better than a (free) Mushrikah (idolatress), even though she pleases you” [al-Baqarah 2:221] This is the clearest way of reconciling between the two verses. 337
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Allaah has described them as being mushrikeen as He says (interpretation of the meaning): “They (Jews and Christians) took their rabbis and their monks to be their lords besides Allaah (by obeying them in things which they made lawful or unlawful according to their own desires without being ordered by Allaah), and (they also took as their Lord) Messiah, son of Maryam (Mary), while they (Jews and Christians) were commanded [in the Tawraat (Torah) and the Injeel (Gospel)] to worship none but One Ilaah (God — Allaah) Laa ilaaha illa Huwa (none has the right to be worshipped but He). Praise and glory be to Him (far above is He) from having the partners they associate (with Him)” [al-Tawbah 9:31] So they are kuffaar and mushrikeen, but Allaah has permitted us to eat their meat and to marry their women if they are chaste. This is an exemption from the general meaning of the verse in Soorat al-Baqarah. But it should be noted that it is better and safer not to marry women of the people of the Book, especially nowadays. Ibn Qudaamah (may Allaah have mercy on him) said: “… as this is the case, it is better not to marry a woman of the people of the Book, because ‘Umar said to those who married women of the people of the Book: ‘Divorce them,’ so they divorced them, except Hudhayfah. ‘Umar said to him: ‘Divorce her.’ (Hudhayfah) said: ‘Do you bear witness that she is haraam?’ He said: ‘She is a live coal, divorce her.’ He said: ‘Do you bear witness that she is haraam?’ He said: ‘She is a live coal.’ He said: ‘I know that she is a live coal, but she is permissible for me.’ A while later, he divorced her and it was said to him: ‘Why did you not divorce her when ‘Umar commanded you to?’ He said: ‘I did not want the people to think that I had done something wrong (by marrying her).’ Perhaps 338
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he was fond of her or perhaps they had a child together so he was fond of her.” Al-Mughni, 7/99 Shaykh Ibn Baaz (may Allaah have mercy on him) said: “If the woman of the people of the Book is known to be chaste and to keep away from the means that lead to immorality, it is permissible, because Allaah has permitted that and has permitted us to marry their woman and eat their meat. “But nowadays there is the fear that those who marry them may be faced with much evil. They may call him to their religion and that may lead to their children being raised as Christians. So the danger is very real and very serious. To be on the safe side, the believer should not marry them. And in most cases there is no guarantee that the woman will not commit immoral actions, or bring along children from a previous relationship… but if the man needs to do that then there is no sin on him, so that he can keep himself chaste and lower his gaze by being married to her. He should strive to call her to Islam and beware of her evil and of allowing her to drag him or the children towards kufr.” Fataawa Islamiyyah, 3/172 And Allaah knows best. Islam Q&A (www.islam-qa.com) 22728: Marrying without officially registering the marriage Question: Iam living in non muslim country and wanna get 339
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married..It is hard and expensive to go to the nearest islamic center here or to the embassy to write the marriage cerytificate..i wanna ask is it ok to write a paper to say that we got married and we care about each other..and also then we can officially get married in our country when we go there... Answer: Praise be to Allaah. In order for a marriage to be valid, there must be agreement from both parties, and the presence of the woman’s wali (guardian) and two Muslim witnesses of good character, and there should be no impediments in the case of either partner. If these conditions are met, and the contract is done by means of the proposal and acceptance by the wali and the husband, then the marriage is done. See question no. 2127. Recording and documenting the marriage are done only to protect people’s rights and to avoid disputes. Based on this, if you agree to do the marriage in the manner described above, and on the basis that you will delay the registration and documentation until you go back to your country or until it becomes easier for you to go to an Islamic center, then there is nothing wrong with that. You should announce the marriage, and inform your neighbours and relatives of it, so that legitimate marriage will be made distinct from illicit relationships. It is preferable to hasten to register the marriage at the first opportunity, and strive to do that so as to ward off any suspicion and so as to protect people’s rights, especially if Allaah blesses you with children. And Allaah knows best. 340
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Islam Q&A (www.islam-qa.com) 32580: Should she complain to the qaadi because her father is not letting her get married? Question: I have a friend who is 28 years old, and a young man has proposed marriage to her. He is religiously-committed and of good character, and he comes from a rsespectable family, as her own family have attested, because they know him from before. My friend was astonished when her father and mother refused this man, even though they praised his religious-commitment and good character. The reason they gave for their refusal was that he is not from their tribe, and it is a shame for them to let their daughter marry someone who is not from their tribe. My friend tried every way to convince them, but without success. She asked some people to speak to her father and two of her male cousins went and asked about the man and found out that he is good, and they went to her father (to convince him to let her marry him), but without success. She tried to remind her father that she is getting too old and has few chances of marriage, and she told him that Allaah would punish him, but without success, because he is under the thumb of the mother who does not want her to get married, not because of tradition or custom, but because she wants her to find a job as a teacher so she can take her salary. This is the problem. My question is, should this girl go to the court so that the qaadi will marry her to this young man? Will that take a long time before the marriage is done, i.e., will the qaadi summon her father and will there be lengthy procedures? This makes her afraid because if she goes to the court the first time and 341
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the judge makes an appointment for the hearing on another day, her family may prevent her from attending and the matter may be decided without her being present. Please advise us on this matter, may Allaah reward you with good. Answer: Praise be to Allaah. Parents’ insisting on marrying their daughters to men from the same tribe, even if that means delaying their marriage, is a serious wrongdoing and a betrayal of the trust which Allaah has given to them. The evil consequences which come from denying women the opportunity to get married, or delaying it, are known only to Allaah. Anyone who looks at the state of society will see that clearly. The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) referred to these evil consequences when he said: “If there comes to you (to propose marriage to your daughter) one with whose religious commitment and character you are pleased, then marry (your daughter) to him, for if you do not do that, there will be fitnah (tribulation) on earth and widespread corruption.” Narrated by al-Tirmidhi, 1084, from Abu Haatim al-Muzani. This hadeeth was classed as hasan by al-Albaani in Saheeh al-Tirmidhi. If a man prevents a female relative under his guardianship from marrying a man who is compatible and who is religiously-committed and of good character, then guardianship passes from him to the next (relative) in line. Ibn Qudaamah (may Allaah have mercy on him) said: “Preventing a woman from marrying means preventing a woman from marrying a compatible man if she wants to 342
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get married and if each of them wants to marry the other. Ma’qil ibn Yassaar said: I married a sister of mine to a man, then he divorced her. When her ‘iddah ended, he came to propose marriage to her again. I said to him, ‘I married her to you, I was kind and I honoured you, then you divorced her, and now you come proposing marriage again! No, by Allaah, she will never go back to you.’ There was nothing wrong with the man, and she wanted to go back to him. Then Allaah revealed the words (interpretation of the meaning): ‘do not prevent them from marrying their (former) husbands, if they mutually agree on reasonable basis’ [al-Baqarah 2:232] I said, ‘Now I will do that O Messenger of Allaah.’ So he married her to him. Narrated by al-Bukhaari. It is the same whether she asks for marriage with a mahr like that of a woman of equal standing to her, or with less. This is the view of al-Shaafa’i. If she wants to marry someone of equal standing, and the wali wants to marry her to a different person of equal standing, and he refuses to marry her to the person whom she wants to marry, then he is preventing her from marrying. But if she wants to marry someone of different standing, then he has the right to stop her, and in this case he is not preventing her from marrying in the wrongful sense. Al-Mughni, 9/383 Shaykh Muhammad ibn Ibraaheem (may Allaah have mercy on him) said: “When a woman reaches the age of puberty, if there comes to you one with whose religious commitment and character she is pleased and who is 343
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compatible, and the wali does not have any proof that he is not compatible, then the wali has to respond to his request and marry her to him. If he refuses to do so, then his responsibilities towards his charge should be pointed out to him. If he still insists on refusing after that, then he forfeits the right of guardianship and it passes to the next closest relative on the father’s side.” From the Shaykh’s Fataawa, 10/97. Shaykh Ibn ‘Uthaymeen (may Allaah have mercy on him) said: If the wali refused to let a woman marry a man whose religious commitment and character are good, then guardianship passes to the next closest male relative on the father’s side, then the next closest and so on. If they refuse to arrange her marriage, as usually happens, then guardianship passes to the qaadi, and the qaadi should arrange the woman’s marriage. If the matter is referred to him and he knows that her guardians have refused to arrange her marriage, then he should do that, because he is the wali in cases where there is no specific wali. The fuqaha’ (may Allaah have mercy on them) stated that if the wali repeatedly refuses marriage proposals from suitable men, then he is a faasiq (evildoer) and is no longer regarded as being of good character or as being a wali, rather according to the best known view of the madhhab of Imam Ahmad, he also forfeits the right to lead prayers and it is not valid to offer any congregational prayer behind him. This is a serious matter. Some people, as we have referred to above, refuse offers of marriage from compatible men, but the girl may feel too shy to come to the qaadi to ask for her marriage to be arranged. This is something that does happen. But she should weigh the pros and cons, and decide which has the more damaging consequences, staying without a 344
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husband and letting her wali control her life according to his mood or his whims and desires, and when she grows old and no longer wants to get married, then he will arrange her marriage, or going to the qaadi and asking him to arrange her marriage because that is her right according to sharee’ah. Undoubtedly the second alternative is preferable, which is that she should go to the qaadi and ask him to arrange her marriage, because she has the right to that, and because her going to the qaadi and his arranging her marriage serves the interests of others too, because others will come just as she has, and her coming to the qaadi will serve as a deterrent to those who wrong those whom Allaah has put under their care and prevent them from marrying compatible men. In other words, this serves three purposes: 1. The woman’s own interests, so that she will not stay without a husband. 2. The interests of others, because it will open the door for women who are waiting for someone to set a precedent they can follow. 3. Preventing those oppressive walis who make decisions for their daughters or other women under their guardianship according to their own moods or what they themselves want. This also serves the purpose of establishing the command of the Messenger (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him), who said: “If there comes to you (to propose marriage to your daughter) one with whose religious commitment and character you are pleased, then marry (your daughter) to him, for if you do not do that, there will be fitnah (tribulation) on earth and widespread corruption.” 345
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It also serves a specific interest, which is arranging marriages for those who are suitable in terms of religious commitment and character, thus protecting them from going astray and falling into haraam. Quoted from Fataawa Islamiyyah, 3/148. Shaykh Ibn ‘Uthaymeen also said: Would that we could reach a level where a woman can dare, if her father refuses to let her marry one who is suitable in terms of religious commitment and character, to go to the qaadi and he could say, “Arrange her marriage or I will do it, or a guardian other than you will do it.” Because this is the girl’s right, if her father refuses to arrange her marriage (it is her right to complain to the qaadi). This is her right according to sharee’ah. Would that we could reach this level, but shyness keeps most girls from doing that. See also question no, 10196 The one who has most right to arrange a woman’s marriage is her father, then his father, (and grandfathers) no matter how far the line of ascent extends; then her son and grandson, no matter how far the line of descent extends; then her brothers through her father and her mother; then her brother through her father only; then their sons, no matter how far the line of descent extends; then her paternal uncles; then their sons, no matter how far the line of descent extends; then the father’s paternal uncles; then the ruler. Al-Mughni, 9/355 We do not know whether the court procedures will take a long time or not. You could always alert the qaadi to the fact that the father may prevent his daughter from attending the court in the future. We ask Allaah to make 346
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things easy for you and to give you a way out from your difficulty. And Allaah knows best. Islam Q&A (www.islam-qa.com) 20424: He did a marriage contract with a girl without the intention of getting married Question: I married a girl a white marriagE,a marriage for a benifit,.legally,it was a right marriage because we wrote it in the “ADOUL”,with witnesses and with her parents and mine.however,”anniya”was not to marry her truely but only to show that we are married in front of the law.Now after 5 years,we haven’t been treating each other as married people,now we decided not to devorce but to stay as married people..this time we have “anniya”..the question is : DO WE NEED AN OTHER MARRIAGE PAPER OR NOT.?. Answer: Praise be to Allaah. There is no such thing as a so-called “white marriage”. Rather when there has been the proposal and acceptance, then the marriage is real, even if one or both parties to the marriage contract was only joking or playing about. This is the view of the Hanafis and Hanbalis, and it is the correct view according to the Maalikis, and the more correct view according to the Shaafa’is. (See Fath al-Qadeer, 3/199; al-Mughni, 7/61; Kashshaaf 347
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al-Qinaa’, 5/40; Haashiyat al-Dasooqi, 2/221; Bulghat al-Saalik, 2/350; Nahaayat al-Muhtaaj, 6/209; Rawdat al-Taalibeen, 8/54). The evidence they quote for that is the words of the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him): “There are three things which if done in earnest they are valid and if done in jest they are also valid: marriage (nikaah), divorce (talaaq) and taking back one’s wife (after a first or second talaaq).” (Narrated by Abu Dawood, 2194; al-Tirmidhi, 11849; Ibn Maajah, 2039, from the hadeeth of Abu Hurayrah (may Allaah be pleased with him). Classed as hasan by alHaafiz ibn Hajar in al-Talkhees al-Habeer, 3/424, and by al-Albaani in Saheeh Sunan al-Tirmidhi, 944). Jest refers to when what is meant by the words is something other than what is assumed. This applies to what you have done, because you made the marriage contract even though you had no intention of being married. Shaykh al-Islam Ibn Taymiyah (may Allaah have mercy on him) said: “A divorce that is pronounced in jest takes effect according to the majority of scholars. By the same token, a marriage done in jest is also valid, as is stated in the text of the marfoo’ hadeeth. This is what was narrated from the Sahaabah and Taabi’een, and it is also the view of the majority of scholars.” Al-Fataawa al-Fiqhiyyah al-Kubra, 6/63. Ibn al-Qayyim said: “In a mursal hadeeth narrated by al-Hasan from the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) (it says): ‘Whoever does a marriage contract in jest or divorces in jest or frees a slave in jest, that is valid.’” 348
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‘Umar ibn al-Khattaab (may Allaah be pleased with him) said: “There are four things which are valid if they are spoken: divorce, freeing a slave, marriage and vows.” Ameer al-Mu’mineen ‘Ali (may Allaah be pleased with him) said: “There are three things in which there should be no joking: divorce, freeing slaves and marriage.” Abu’l-Darda’ said: “There are three things in which joking is like speaking seriously: divorce, freeing slaves and marriage.” Ibn Mas’ood said: “With regard to marriage, speaking seriously and joking are the same.” From I’laam al-Muwaqqi’een, 3/100 Based on this, you do not have to renew the marriage contract; your first contract remains valid. And Allaah knows best. Islam Q&A (www.islam-qa.com) 10376: Is it true that a righteous man does not marry anyone other than a righteous woman? Question: I have herd from brothers that one gets a parteners (ie wife for men and husband for women) which one deserves,.If one is good he/she will get a pios partener unless it is a test from ALLAH. Unfortunattely i have not come across any hadith on this subject and could you please give me references and advice on this topic so that i can advice the brothere and sisters 349
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I Have also been told that if a man does zina it will result in him being punishede by some female member of his family doing zina. Is this true ? Many young muslims go about looking for a partener in the haram way .should i tell them that if they are pios they will definnalely get someones who is equally pios unless they are being tested by ALLAH? Because if this is true it may deter many a muslim from commiting haram and it may even make them more entuisianstic about becoming beter muslims. Answer: Praise be to Allaah. What you have heard, that a man marries the person he deserves and who is similar to him in terms of righteousness or immorality is not correct. This is indicated by the following: 1 – The story that Allaah tells us of two of His noble Prophets, namely Nooh and Loot (peace be upon them), whose wives were disbelievers. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning): “Allaah sets forth an example for those who disbelieve: the wife of Nooh (Noah) and the wife of Loot (Lot). They were under two of our righteous slaves, but they both betrayed them (their husbands by rejecting their doctrine). So they [Nooh (Noah) and Loot (Lot)] availed them (their respective wives) not against Allaah and it was said: ‘Enter the Fire along with those who enter!’” [al-Tahreem 66:10] 2 – Islam does not allow an adulterer to marry a chaste woman, and it does not allow a chaste man to marry an 350
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adulteress. This indicates that such a thing could happen, and indeed it happens often. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning): “The adulterer — fornicator marries not but an adulteress — fornicatress or a Mushrikah; and the adulteress – fornicatress, none marries her except an adulterer — fornicater or a Mushrik [and that means that the man who agrees to marry (have a sexual relation with) a Mushrikah (female polytheist, pagan or idolatress) or a prostitute, then surely, he is either an adulterer — fornicator, or a Mushrik (polytheist, pagan or idolater). And the woman who agrees to marry (have a sexual relation with) a Mushrik (polytheist, pagan or idolater) or an adulterer — fornicator, then she is either a prostitute or a Mushrikah (female polytheist, pagan, or idolatress)]. Such a thing is forbidden to the believers (of Islamic Monotheism)” [al-Noor 24:3] 3 – The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said that a woman may be married for her wealth, her beauty, her lineage or her religious commitment, and the fact that he (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) encouraged marrying the one who is religiouslycommitted indicates that marriages could occur for other reasons, so a man might marry a woman who is not like him. It was narrated from Abu Hurayrah that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Woman are married for four things: for their wealth, their lineage, their beauty and their religious commitment. Marry the one who is religiously-committed, may your hands be rubbed with dust (i.e., may you prosper).” (Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 4802; Muslim, 1466). 351
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4 – The fact that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) commanded guardians to marry the women under their care to religiously-committed men indicates that something other than that could happen. It was narrated that Abu Hurayrah said: The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “If there comes to you one with whose religious commitment and character you are pleased, then marry (your daughter or other female relative under your care) to him, for if you do not do that there will be tribulation in the land and much corruption.” Narrated by al-Tirmidhi, 1084; Ibn Maajah, 1967. Classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in al-Silsilah al-Saheehah, 1022. So the one who is looking for a wife should look for one who is religiously-committed and has a good character; similarly, woman’s guardians should not marry them to anyone but those who are religiously-committed. For a man is influenced by those with whom he keeps company, especially if that lasts for a long time. The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “A man will follow the way of his close friend, so let each of you look at whom he takes as a close friend.” (Narrated by alTirmidhi, 2378; classed as hasan by al-Albaani in Saheeh al-Tirmidhi, 1937). “A man will follow the way of his close friend” i.e., he will follow the habits and path of his friends; “So let each of you look” means, think long and hard about; “whom he takes as a close friend” means, whom he regards as a friend and a brother. So if you like a person’s religious commitment and character, take him as a close friend, and if not, then avoid him. For characteristics are easily copied and keeping company with people has an effect on whether you will be good or bad. Al-Ghazaali said: Sitting with and mixing with one whose interest is worldly 352
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gain will make you also seek worldly gains; sitting with and mixing with one who is an ascetic will make you care little for worldly gains, because following characteristics are easily copied and one could copy the characteristics of one’s friend without even realizing. From Tuhfat al-Ahwadhi. Secondly: With regard to the adulterer, he may be punished with regard to his family. A hadeeth to that effect was narrated, but it is mawdoo’ (fabricated), however the meaning may be correct. We have mentioned it, with comment, in question no. 22769. And Allaah knows best. Islam Q&A (www.islam-qa.com) 20066: Is it obligatory to have a wedding party? Question: I have a problem here at work. my boss needs a paper stateing that in the muslim religion when we get engaged “legally we are married” but we don’t really get married untill we have the party so to speak. My question to you is can you help me find a source that can help me find what i need. Answer: Praise be to Allaah. According to sharee’ah, marriage is done through the contract between the two spouses, with the consent of 353
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the woman’s guardian and in the presence of two witnesses. Such a contract is complete even if there is no celebration or party. See question no. 2127. With regard to the celebration of the marriage, announcing it and inviting people to a feast on this occasion as an expression of joy and to publicize the marriage, all of these are things which are mustahabb (encouraged) on the occasion of marriage. The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Announce marriage.” (Narrated by Ahmad, 4/5; classed as saheeh by al-Haakim, 2/200; classed as hasan by al-Albaani in Saheeh al-Jaami’, 1072). And the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said to ‘Abd al-Rahmaan ibn ‘Awf when he got married, “Give a feast, even with one sheep.” (Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 1943; Muslim, 3475). See al-Mughni, 8/105. Islam Q&A (www.islam-qa.com) 10343: She stipulated that he should not make her leave her house or her country Question: The wife stipulated in the marriage contract that her husband should let her stay in her country and not make her move with her husband to another country. What is the ruling? Answer: Praise be to Allaah. 354
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If the wife or her guardian stipulates that the husband should not make her leave her house or her country, that is a valid condition and he must act in accordance with it, because ‘Uqbah ibn ‘Aamir narrated in a marfoo’ report: “The conditions which are most deserving of being fulfilled are those by means of which intimacy becomes permissible for you.” (Narrated by the two Shaykhs, i.e. al-Bukhaari and Muslim). Al-Artham narrated that a man married a woman on the condition that she stay in her house, then he wanted to make her move. The dispute was referred to ‘Umar (may Allaah be pleased with him) and he said, “She has the right to the condition she stipulated.” But if the wife agrees to move with him then she may do so, and if she frees him from this condition it no longer applies. If there is any dispute concerning this matter it should be referred to the local sharee’ah court in order to settle the matter. Shaykh Muhammad ibn Ibraaheem Aal al-Shaykh, from Fataawa al-Mar’ah al-Muslimah, 2 p. 644 (www.islamqa.com) 10941: Islamic ruling on a Shi’a girl who is not being allowed by the appointed official to get married Question: From ‘Abd al-‘Azeez ibn ‘Abd-Allaah ibn Baaz to Miss F.H.A., may Allaah help her to do that which pleases Him and make things easy for her and guide her aright. Peace be upon you, and the mercy of Allaah and His blessings. I received your letter telling me that you are 23 years old and that you are a Shi’a and a follower of Dawood Bohra, and that the representative of the leader of that group [the 355
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Bohra Shi’a] in Kenya is not allowing the official licensed to perform marriages in Mombasa to do your marriage contract, and you want to know the Islamic ruling on that. Answer: Praise be to Allaah. There is no doubt that the people in authority of all groups that claim to be Muslim are obliged to adhere to the rulings of Islam in all affairs, and that they should beware of anything that goes against that. It is known in Islamic sharee’ah that guardians are obliged to arrange the marriages of girls under their care if someone compatible proposes marriage, because Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning): “And marry those among you who are single (i.e. a man who has no wife and the woman who has no husband) and (also marry) the Saalihoon (pious, fit and capable ones) of your (male) slaves and maid servants (female slaves). If they be poor, Allaah will enrich them out of His Bounty. And Allaah is All Sufficent for His creatures’ needs, All Knowing (about the state of the people).” [al-Noor 24:32] And it was narrated that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “If there comes to you one with whose religious commitment and character you are pleased, then marry [your female relative under your care] to him, for if you do not do that then there will be fitnah (tribulation) on earth and much mischief.” (Narrated by Imaam al-Tirmdihi and others). Based on that, then if one of your guardians who is related to you arranges your married to a compatible person, the representative of the Bohra group has no right to object to that, and the marriage will be valid, so long as the 356
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conditions of marriage are fulfilled. That should be done through the sharee’ah court in Mombasa so that no objections can be raised by the representative of the Bohra group. If the marriage is done in the manner mentioned, then your children will be legitimate and neither the Bohra group nor anybody else will be able to deny that. If your relatives refuse to marry you to one who is compatible in order to please the representative of the Bohra group, then their guardianship becomes invalid thereby, and the Muslim judge (qaadi) has the right to do the marriage contract for you with the compatible person who has proposed marriage to you, because the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “The ruler is the wali for the one who has no wali.” The qaadi is the deputy of the ruler and takes his place in such matters, and if the wali (guardian) is refusing to arrange the girl’s marriage, the ruling on him is the same as if he was not there at all. But we advise you and others in your position to forsake the Bohra madhhab and other Shi’a madhhabs, because they go against the Islamic way of Muhammad (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) in many ways. So you have to leave them and join the madhhab of Ahl alSunnah wa’l-Jamaa’ah who follow that which is dictated by the Qur’aan and Sunnah and the way of the early generations of this ummah, the Companions of the Messenger (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) and those who follow them in truth. I ask Allaah to guide this group and other groups which have gone astray from the right path, and to show them the path of truth. May He help you and us and all the Muslims to do that which will lead to salvation and happiness in this world and in the Hereafter, for He is the One Who is able to do that. Peace be upon you and the mercy and blessings of Allaah. Majmoo’ Fataawa wa Maqaalaat Mutanawwi’ah li 357
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Samaahat al-Shaykh al-‘Allaamah ‘Abd al-‘Azeez ibn ‘Abd-Allaah ibn Baaz (may Allaah have mercy on him), vol. 4, p. 437 (www.islam-qa.com) 13886: What is permissible between husband and wife after the marriage contract has been done Question: If a couple legalizes their marriage in a Shariah court but did not have the wedding party yet, and the fact that their marriage has been made official is known by everyone, are they truly considered married in the eyes of Allah? Answer: Praise be to Allaah. If the marriage contract has been done and all the shar’i conditions have been met, then they are husband and wife according to the sharee’ah of the Lord of the Worlds. It is permissible for them to sit together, talk and be alone together in complete freedom. The Standing Committee for Issuing Fatwas was asked: what is permissible between a husband and wife after the contract has been done and before consummation of the marriage. They replied: Whatever is permissible between a husband and a wife with whom the marriage has been consummated is permissible – such as looking, kissing, being alone together, travelling with her, intercourse, etc. See al-Fataawa al-Jaami’ah li’l-Mar’ah al-Muslimah, vol. 2, p. 540 (www.islam-qa.com) 358
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2201: Conducting marriage contract by telephone Question: I want to get married to a girl but her father is in another country, and at present I cannot travel there for us to be all together, because of financial and other circumstances. I am also in a foreign country. Is it permissible for me to phone her father so that he can say, “I offer you my daughter So and so in marriage,” and I can say, “I accept,” with the consent of the girl and in the presence of two Muslim witnesses who are listening to what he and I say by means of speakers attached to the phone? Would this be considered as a valid marriage contract according to sharee’ah? Answer: Praise be to Allaah. I put this question to our Shaykh alMufti al-‘Allaamah ‘Abd al-‘Azeez ibn ‘Abd-Allaah ibn Baaz, who replied that if what is described is genuine (and there is no cheating involved), then it achieves the purpose of meeting the shar’i conditions of nikaah and the marriage contract is valid. And Allaah knows best. Shaykh Abd al-‘Azeez ibn ‘Abd-Allaah ibn Baaz (www.islam-qa.com) 11810: Do the bride and groom have to be present at the wedding party (waleemah)? Question: Should the bride and the groom both be present at the blessing of their marriage?
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Answer: Praise be to Allaah. If what is meant by “blessing” is the contract itself (‘aqd), then the groom and the guardian (wali) of the bride must both be present, because the ‘aqd can only be done with the proposal of the guardian and the acceptance of the groom. But if what is meant by the “blessing” is the wedding party and waleemah which is held on the occasion of the wedding, then it does not matter if the couple do not attend. Shaykh ‘Abd al-Kareem al-Khudayr (www.islam-qa.com) 1260: Ruling in the case where the fiancee puts a haraam condition in the marriage contract Question: What is the ruling in a case where the fiancée puts the condition that there should be a dog in the marital home? Answer: Praise be to Allaah. We put this question to Shaykh ‘Abd-Allaah ibn Jibreen, may Allaah preserve him, who replied as follows: This is an invalid condition, and if he has got married on this condition, he does not have to fulfil it. Shaykh ‘Abd-Allaah ibn Jibreen (www.islam-qa.com) 360
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7714: Registering marriage officially in Britain Question: I live in England a country once know to be a Christian nation, but today it is a completely secular country with no state religion, furthermore nearly all ceremonies are carried without invoking the name of Allah. My question is that if a Muslim couple marry in one of this country’s registration marriage offices, for the purpose of being recognised by the state as a married couple would it be considered a valid nikah despite it being conducted by a kafir and without Allah (SWT) name being mentioned? Answer: Praise be to Allaah. There are four essentials in the marriage ceremony (nikaah), as stated in the following guidelines: “Any marriage ceremony in which four people – the husband, the (wife’s) guardian and two witnesses – are not present, is null and void.” And the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “There is no nikaah except with a walee (guardian) and two witnesses.” (See question #2127). If the wife is Muslim and the husband is Muslim, the walee must also be Muslim, because a kaafir cannot be the walee of a Muslim. The person who is in charge of the Muslims’ affairs in that country can take the place of a walee. The marriage contract must be conducted in accordance with the Islamic sharee’ah, then there is nothing wrong with confirming it through official channels in order to prevent any problems and avoid any 361
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embarrassment. May Allaah bless our Prophet Muhammad. Islam Q&A Sheikh Muhammed Salih Al-Munajjid (www.islam-qa.com) 2851: Ruling on marrying a woman who has no religion Question: Is it permissible for a Muslim man to marry a woman who professes no faith or “deen” at all — an “agnostic”? Answer: Praise be to Allaah. This is not permitted at all, because Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning): “… they are not lawful (wives) for the disbelievers nor are the disbelievers lawful (husbands) for them…” [al-Mumtahinah 60:10]. An exception is made in the case of chaste women of the People of the Book (Jews and Christians), because Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning): “(Lawful to you in marriage) are … and chaste women from those who were given the Scripture (Jews and Christians) before your time…” [al-Maa’idah 5:5]. And Allaah knows best. Islam Q&A Sheikh Muhammed Salih Al-Munajjid (www.islam-qa.com) 5983: A wife refusing her husband a co-wife Question: Is there any ruling that says in a marraige contract that a wife can refuse her husband a co-wife?
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Answer: Praise be to Allaah. Ibn Qudaamah (may Allaah have mercy on him) said in his book Al-Mughni: “If he married her on the condition that he should not make her move from her house or her city, then this condition is valid, because it was reported that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: ‘The most deserving of conditions to be fulfilled are those by means of which sexual intercourse becomes permissible for you.’ If he married her on the condition that he will not marry another wife, then she has the right to leave him if he does take another wife.” In conclusion, then, the conditions of the marriage contract are divided into three types, one of which must be adhered to, which is of benefit to the wife, such as her being able to stipulate that he cannot make her move from her house or city, or travel with him, or take another wife or a concubine. He has to adhere to these conditions, and if he does not, then she has the right to annul the marriage.” (Al-Mughni by Ibn Qudaamah, part 7, Kitaab al-Nikaah). Shaykh al-Islam Ibn Taymiyah (may Allaah have mercy on him) was asked this question and he replied in AlFataawa al-Kubra: “Question: a man married a woman and she stipulated that he should not take another wife or make her move from her house, and that she could stay with her mother, so he married her on this basis. Does he have to adhere to this, and if he goes against these conditions, does his wife have the right to annul the marriage or not? Answer: yes, these conditions and similar ones are valid according to the madhhab of Imaam Ahmad and other 363
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scholars among the Sahaabah and Taabi’een, such as ‘Umar ibn al-Khattaab, ‘Amr ibn al-‘Aas, Shurayh alQaadi, al-Oozaa’i and Ishaaq. According to the madhhab of Maalik, the condition states that if he marries another wife, (the first wife) has the choice of what to do, and this is a valid condition. The woman has the right to leave him in this case. This is similar to the idea in the Madhhab of Imaam Ahmad. The basis for this is the hadeeth narrated by (al-Bukhaari and Muslim) in al-Saheehayn from the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him): ‘The most deserving of conditions to be fulfilled are those by means of which sexual intercourse becomes permissible for you.’ ‘Umar ibn al-Khattaab said: ‘Rights are in accordance with conditions.’ The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) dictated that the conditions which make sexual intercourse permissible are more deserving of fulfilment than others. This is the ruling on conditions of this nature.” al-Fataawa al-Kubra, part 3, Kitaab al-Nikaah (www.islam-qa.com) 4394: Doing a second wedding party for his parents’ benefit Question: I wish to marry a Muslim man, (I am a Muslim woman). We want to have a nikaah. My parents would know but his parents would not. When we have a reception next year, can we have another more public nikaah ceremony again—this time his parents would know about it. So is it possible to have 2 nikaah ceremonies or is this not allowed? Answer: Praise be to Allaah.
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In principle, the wedding party and waleemah should be done at the time when the groom enters upon his bride, because one of the aims of the waleemah is to publicize the marriage, as it is something legitimate that should be made known, as opposed to fornication which is done in secret and is hidden – even though nowadays some people have no shame and commit haraam deeds openly, seeing no difference between halaal and haraam (we ask Allaah to keep us safe from that). “They are like cattle, nay, even more astray” [al-A’raaf 7:179 – interpretation of the meaning]. There is nothing wrong with having a second wedding party, even after some time has passed, if there is a reason for doing so. Perhaps the person who is asking this question wants to please his parents and not make them angry. He could just inform his parents, without having a wedding party, or he could invite them for a meal without having a party as such. And Allaah is the Source of strength. Islam Q&A Sheikh Muhammed Salih Al-Munajjid (www.islamqa.com) 3799: Keeping Marriage Concealed and getting remarried to the same person in front of parents? Question: I am a 27 year old Muslim. I have liked a Muslim girl for the past 10 years. I told my parents about my likeness towards her and wanted them to ask for her hand in her marriage. They completely refused since she had a different family back ground. For almost 8 years I tried to convince my parents for the girl I liked but they never seemed to agree. I always could never decide between my parents and the person I loved. Finally nine months 365
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ago I got married to her with her parents consent but without my parents knowledge. They still do not know about my marriage, but recently they suddenly had a change of hearts for my wife. They have developed the liking toward her not knowing that she is my wife. They want us to get married now not knowing that we are married. I want to tell them about my marriage but my father is a heart patient and I am not sure how he would take it after I break the news. I wanted to know if it is valid that I still keep my first marriage hidden from my parents and just get remarried to my wife. Please Comment. May Allah guides us All to the right path. Answer: Praise be to Allaah. We put the following question to Shaykh Muhammad ibn Saalih al-‘Uthaymeen: One of the Sunnahs with regard to marriage is that it should be announced publicly, with beating on the daff or hand-drum (i.e., celebrations), so as to distinguish it from fornication, which usually happens in secret. If the marriage contract has been drawn up in accordance with all the requisite conditions, then it is valid even if the family does not accept it. The issue of kafaa’ah or compatibility has to do with religious commitment, as Allaah has explained in His Book. A Muslim man can marry a Muslim woman, or a woman of the People of the Book (Jews and Christians) on the condition that she is chaste, but he is not permitted to marry a mushrikah (polytheist woman) or a zaaniyah (woman who commits adultery or fornication). He should, however, try to find a 366
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woman who is strongly committed to Islam. A Muslim woman is not permitted to marry anyone except a Muslim man. A man of the People of the Book does not qualify in terms of compatibility with her, and she should look for someone who is known among the Muslims to be committed to Islam and of good character. With regard to the situation described in the question, we may note the following points: The husband does not have to divorce his wife if his father asks him to do so. The father’s rights are great indeed, and good treatment of one’s family is a duty. If your father is suffering from heart disease, it is better if he does not know about this marriage. It is unlikely that his attitude has changed because it is based on the class/caste system and it is not easy for seniors to change their beliefs. You have to make sure you understand your family’s current attitude and to what extent they are prepared to accept your marriage to this woman. Perhaps they have heard that she has got married, and they think that she has married someone else, so they want to make you feel better (by saying they would accept her because she now seems to be safely out of the picture). Or perhaps they have heard that she has got married to you and they want to hear about it from you. Once you are sure that they have changed their attitude for real, there is nothing to stop you asking for permission from them and from your father to get married. If they give you permission, then this is what you want; if they do not, then just stay as you are now, so that no bad consequences will come to them as a result of them knowing about your marriage. As far as repeating your marriage contract is concerned, we put this question to the Mufti Shaykh ‘Abd al-‘Azeez 367
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ibn ‘Abd-Allaah ibn Baaz, who replied with the conclusion that if the first contract met all the requisite conditions, and there are no impediments, then it is a valid contract. It should not be repeated lest that open the way to playing about with it. You should strive to please your family in every way you can and tell them that the matter has been concluded in an appropriate fashion. If there is genuine cause to fear for your father’s life, then it could be said that repeating the contract could be done on the grounds of necessity. And Allaah knows best. Islam Q&A Sheikh Muhammed Salih Al-Munajjid (www.islamqa.com) 4158: She stipulated a condition in her marriage contract that has been invalidated by a change in the law of the land Question: Assalam Aleakm Wa rahmat alah wa brakatah... My sister came to England for medical treatment. One of the brothers proposed to marry her. There were conditions from my sister that he has to be his staying legal in the UK “i.e. Our agreement based upon this condition”. The orator has been living in the UK for 13 years. There is a low saying that “if any one has lived in the UK for 14 years continuously he automatically be granted the UK nationality. After we write the marriage certificate “according to Islamic low” we founded that the low was not applicable any more. The wedding did not take place. My question is the marriage has been canceled.
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If we want the marriage to be continued do we have to do a new marriage with new conditions. Please reblay as soon as possoble.... Jazak Alah khaure Answer: Praise be to Allaah.Your sister has the right to what she stipulated as a condition, because of the hadeeth, “The Muslims are bound by their conditions.” If the marriage contract has been completed, she can ask for an annulment from the sharee’ah judge (qaadi) – if there is a reliable sharee’ah judge – or from the leader of the Muslim community in that country. If she wants to stay in the marriage, she can do that too, and there is no need to repeat or renew the marriage contract. And Allaah knows best. Islam Q&A Sheikh Muhammed Salih Al-Munajjid (www.islam-qa.com) 2886: Marrying a Christian woman on paper in order to have the right to reside in a kaafir country Question: Is it permissible to marry an american christian woman just to get the green card from her, without living, or being alone with here (just on the paper). My neya: is to do that so I can visit and help my parents back in my country, and be able to work with my degree as( a Computer Programmer). Answer: raise be to Allaah and peace be upon the Messenger of Allaah.
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We put this question to Shaykh al-‘Allaamah ‘Abd al‘Azeez ibn Baaz, who responded: “It is not one of the purposes of marriage according to Islamic sharee’ah to marry for the purpose of gaining residency rights and then to get divorced. It seems to me that this is not permitted.” Moreover, marrying a Christian woman on paper only is a kind of cheating these kaafirs, and this is not permitted. Allaah does not approve of wrongdoing even to kaafirs. And Allaah knows best. Islam Q&A Sheikh Muhammed Salih Al-Munajjid (www.islamqa.com) 2969: A marriage contract cannot be invalidated by the passage of time, no matter how long Question: Salam alekam brother, I am working in XXX. This year I went to my home country in XXX and got married over there. For some reason our marriage did not consummate at that time. We also gave a Walima party the next day of our wedding. I had to go back to XXX and report back to work. Now it has taken more than six (6) months to get my wife a visa to join me here. A friend was telling me that my marriage has become null and void since the marriage did not consummate for more than 6 months after the Nikkah (marriage). Is this true? Do I need to re-marry her when she joins me in XXX. 370
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Please advise me because my wife is going to arrive very soon. May Allah bless you for your good work you are doing to help the Muslims by giving them Islamic guidance related to their day to day problems in life. Thank you. Answer: Praise be to Allaah. If the marriage contract has been completed according to the conditions of sharee’ah (see Question # 813), then it is valid and will remain valid as stated in its terms, unaffected by the passage of time. The fact that you have spent six months without consummating the marriage will not invalidate it as your friend is claiming without any knowledge – if indeed you have understood him correctly. In this case you should advise him to fear Allaah and not to try to issue fatwas without knowledge. If he had advised you to make sure that your wife travelled with a mahram it would have been better. We ask Allaah to give you strength, blessing and happiness in your marriage. May Allaah bless our Prophet Muhammad. Islam Q&A Sheikh Muhammed Salih Al-Munajjid (www.islamqa.com) 364: Marriage contract: verbal or written? Question: Can the marriage contract be a verbal contract or must it be in writing ?
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Answer: Praise be to Allaah. Writing down the contracts and agreements that people make among themselves is a way of confirming and formalizing them, but it is not a condition for the validity of the contract. The marriage contract may be made verbally by means of an offer on the part of the bride’s wali or guardian (e.g. “I marry my daughter to you”) and acceptance on the part of the groom (e.g. “I accept”). Writing it down is not a condition, but it does serve to document and confirm the contract, which is a good thing, especially nowadays. And Allaah is the source of help. Islam Q&A Sheikh Muhammed Salih Al-Munajjid (www.islam-qa.com) 2068: Khutbah al-Nikaah Question: Can a normal Muslim read Qur’anic verses (khutbah) for someone’s nikah (marriage)? Is nikah valid in this case? Because I stay in non-Muslim country. Answer: Praise be to Allaah. There is nothing wrong with any Muslim person reciting Khutbah al-Nikaah before the ‘aqd (contract) is made, but it is a condition that the guardian of the bride be present. He should say to the groom, “I marry my daughter 372
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So-and-so to you,” and the groom should say, “I accept.” This should be witnessed by two Muslims, and the bride should give her consent, in order for the contract to be valid. Khutbah al-Nikaah is the same as Khutbah al-Haajah, which the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) taught his Companions, and it should be said at the beginning of the ‘aqd. This is sunnah, not waajib (obligatory). The text of Khutbah al-Haajah may be found under Question 2066. May Allaah bless our Prophet Muhammad. Islam Q&A Sheikh Muhammed Salih Al-Munajjid (www.islamqa.com) 1037: Ruling of non-Muslim Fasting Question: When is the month of Ramadan and can someone like me fast properly? What time of the day am I supposed to fast? Answer: The fact that you have concern with the blessed month of Ramadhan, are questioning it’s arrival, and anticipating it, is very wonderful. It indicates that you are affected by this great Islamic worship, which consists of abstaining from food and drink, and sexual intercourse from fajr (the break of dawn), until maghrib ( the sunset) during the day of the noble month of Ramadhan. 373
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As far as it’s appointed time, my dear respected questioner, the laws of worship in Islam are scheduled according to proof which is clearly traceable and detectable. The evidence which is seen is not estimated. This entails the sighting of the moon, which indicates that the month of Ramadhan has begun. So, if we see the new moon, or it is established that someone amongst us has seen the new moon, then it becomes obligatory on the entire Muslim community to fast every day of this month, until we see the new moon for the following month of Shawwal and know that therefore Ramadhan has ended. The month of Ramadhan on the Islamic calendar could be 29 or 30 days depending on the sighting of the physical proof, which is the new moon. According to the Christian calender, the approximate time of Ramadhan this year would occur on the 30th or 31st of December 1997. In order for your fast to be correct and accepted, you must first enter Islam by testifying to Allah’s Oneness and believing in the Prophet and following the laws of Islam. We would be happy to see you living a happy life with strong faith, and good years to come, spending them inspired by Islam. We ask Allah to protect you and guide you along. Islam Q&A Sheikh Muhammed Salih Al-Munajjid (www.islamqa.com) 813: Conditions for valid marriage contract Question: What is the correct Islamic procedure for a marriage ceremony, I mean if two Muslims are married (legally) 374
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without the presence of a religious “person” (like imam etc.), does that mean the marriage is non-existent in terms of Islam? Answer: All praise is due to Allaah. A marriage contract is valid in Islam if the following conditions are met, even if the marriage does not take place in a court, or in the presence of a Judge or the Imaam of the masjid. In addition, it does not need to be written. The waliy (guardian) of the girl has accepted the proposal by saying, for example, “I marry you my daughter”, and the one who proposed has replied, for example, by “ I accept,” or “I am satisfied” (i.e. with his acceptance). This takes place in the presence of two witnesses The woman is legally eligible to marry the man according to Islamic shari’ah (that is she is not a Mahram of the proposer [those to whom the proposer is forbidden to marry. etc.]) Allah knows best. Islam Q&A Sheikh Muhammed Salih Al-Munajjid (www.islamqa.com)
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