I'm Adopted

Copyright © 2018 by Alex Gilbert All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods, without the prior written permission of the publisher, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical reviews and certain other noncommercial uses permitted by copyright law. ISBN-13: 978-1983519000 ISBN-10: 1983519006 You can visit Alex Gilbert online below: facebook.com/nzalexgilbert instagram.com/alexgilbert twitter.com/alexgilbertnz alexgilbert.co.nz Or I’m Adopted: imadopted.org facebook.com/imadoptedOrg

Dedicated to my Grandad Colin Bertrand McConachie (1927-2017)

I’m Adopted

Contents Beginnings 7 Growing Up 12 My First Search 15 Finding my Birth Parents 18 In Contact 24 First Trip to Russia 30 Meeting Mihail 37 Back Home 43 Reaching Out 46 My Russian Side 50 “I’m Adopted” 55 Let them Talk 69 Leaving Moscow 76 2016 82 Goals 87 Growing “I’m Adopted” 93 Saying Goodbye 99 Next Journey to Russia 102 Hello Moscow 106 Revisiting Arkhangelsk and My Orphanage 110 The Arkhangelsk Spirit 114 Leaving Arkhangelsk 118 Going Home 122 Visual Gallery 128

Beginnings My name is Alex Gilbert. I am twenty-five years old and have lived in Auckland, New Zealand, for the past seven years, having moved there from Whangarei. This book is about my life growing up as an adopted child and how I have progressed into helping others around the world who are also adopted. I have previously written a story, in 2013, about my search for my birth parents, which was called “My Russian Side.” I was born on the first of April 1992. My birth mother, Tatiana, was around nineteen or twenty years old when she gave birth to me. She named me Gusovskoi Alexander Viktorovich. She was living in Arkhangelsk which is near the Arctic Circle. If you look at a world map, you will be surprised at where it is—far away from everywhere else. When I was born, I was very sick so was taken to a hospital to be looked after and then moved to the Regional Baby House in Arkhangelsk. I obviously don’t remember any of this, but I do know that the nurse who looked after me in the hospital was called Elena. My birth mother, Tatiana, moved from Arkhangelsk to Rybnisk after I was born, leaving me at the orphanage. I don’t judge or blame her for making this decision as life was hard for many people during this time. Tatiana had grown up in an orphanage, and I can’t imagine how difficult this time was for her, but I’m happy she decided to leave me at the orphanage as I otherwise wouldn’t be where I am today. Another decision she made was not to tell Mihail, my birth father, of my existence. He was completely unaware of my birth, and after I was born my birth mother, embarrassed, decided to leave the town. My birth father had no idea where she went to and the last time he heard from her was before she was pregnant. Nobody heard from her again.

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I don’t remember anything about the orphanage during my first two years. But from what I’ve seen in images and videos the orphanage was well-maintained, the nurses looked after the children well and everything was done correctly. I’ve been told I was a happy child but too young to be aware of what was happening around me. Apparently, I spoke some Russian words and could understand what was being said; those days are long gone and learning the language again has been a huge challenge for me. I’ve continually struggled to pick it up and know that I need to visit Russia for a long holiday to learn the language quicker. Arkhangelsk is a cold city. There are very short days in winter and very long days in summer; being so far north it can be a dark place to live. I do know that it is a beautiful city full of old buildings and friendly people. The city expands over forty kilometres and has a population of more than 300,000 people. There are a lot of New Zealand adoptees from the same orphanage as me and many of these people I have already met! My story starts in 1994 when my parents came to Russia with the intention of adopting a child or two. My mum, Janice Gilbert, is a Southland girl raised on a sheep farm. Mum left home when she was twenty-one years old to go and see the world. She lived and worked in London for four years, while also travelling to various parts of Britain and Europe. My dad also left home when he was young to go and see the world. He travelled to many different countries and eventually settled in London. Mum and Dad met in London in 1980 while they were both doing their OE (overseas experience). They had met through some mutual Australian friends. They moved back to New Zealand in 1982 and lived in Whangarei. They eventually married in 1990 and have lived in Whangarei ever since. 8

Whangarei is small, with a population of about 60,000, and is a twohour drive north of Auckland.

A lot of people know each other in Whangarei—if you are the talk of the town you easily become world famous in Whangarei. When Mum and Dad realised they were unable to have their own children, they started to consider adoption. And as adoption in New Zealand was virtually non-existent, they then started considering overseas adoption. They got in touch with ICANZ—Inter-Country Adoption New Zealand—who help facilitate couples in adopting overseas children. It is an incredible organisation with a great track record of making overseas adoptions a reality for many New Zealand couples. My parents thought “why not, let’s give this a go.” They had done their research, knew what was involved and were ready to start their family. They were interviewed to make sure they were suitable parents, which they were of course—there was never any doubt about that. The process for adopting internationally can take a long time, it never happens in a week. My parents knew they were ready to take on this challenge with the possibility of adopting two children. In July 1994, my parents travelled to Arkhangelsk in Russia, knowing there was a life-changing experience ahead of them. They told me that they had been anxious about making the trip and planned everything to the last detail making sure that everything would go well. As you can imagine, there is a lot to process and take in. Whilst in Arkhangelsk, my parents stayed with a Russian couple, Olga and Zhenya, who took great care of them. Mum and Dad were introduced to Andrei and me within a day or two of them arriving. Andrei and I were too young to remember much when our parents arrived; I know we were wondering what was going on. They were able to take us for short walks daily at the orphanage until our adoptions were processed. This happened on the first of August, 1994. As a young child, it would be hard to understand what was going on, feeling that you had no control and just having to trust those around you to make the right decision.

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My name was officially changed to Sasha Alexander Gilbert on this day too. Four weeks after Mum and Dad left New Zealand, Andrei and I arrived at our new home in Whangarei. Being accepted into an incredible family is certainly something to celebrate. I still have a home video of us exploring our new home; we had never seen anything like it, it was all totally new to us. Everything was there— new clothes, new toys and a bedroom for each of us. Our new life in New Zealand began. I remember my first Christmas at my Mum’s parents’ place in Lochiel, near Invercargill. Everyone was looking forward to meeting us. We were the new arrivals to the family. I still remember my first Christmas and first birthday in New Zealand. Andrei and I were enrolled at Morningside Primary School in Whangarei in 1997. I started in April, with Andrei following me in July. I remember my first day, having my photo taken for our class photo and trying to understand how everything worked. Mum stayed with us during the day and I met some of my first friends, some of whom I still have contact with today. It was great early learning at Morningside Primary. I remember going to friends’ birthdays and having my own birthday parties. It was all about the birthdays. The best part about going to school though was the school trips—we’d hand over a permission slip to our parents, they’d say yes and that was it. I learned a lot at primary school, where my favourite subjects were drawing, writing and being creative. I still remember the day I was awarded my “pen licence,” although I’m not sure I would get it now as I use a computer to write which means my handwriting isn’t as good as it could be. I was a keen writer as a child. I would share stories with whomever 10 was around.

I wonder today if any of them made sense, but to me they did. I wrote about my family holidays. We had many memories. I remember going to Fiji when I was very young. Our family had always wanted to go and this memory is always very clear in my head. I also remember when we went to visit Australia when I was nine years old. It was my first time, but this was a family trip that was one to remember. First time for me seeing all the crocodiles, koalas and kangaroos. We don’t see these animals every day here in New Zealand at all. When I started going to school, I was known as Sasha which is my first name legally. I haven’t changed this as Alexander is my middle name and I just prefer to be called Alex. Children at school used to mention that Sasha was a girl’s name and asked where the name came from and why I was named that. As children, none of us knew a lot about Russia or even how adoption worked but I just said Sasha was the name I was given and explained that in Russia it’s a male name too. Once I started Whangarei Intermediate School, I decided to be called Alex. Everyone adjusted quite quickly to my name change except for my grandparents—I think they preferred Sasha. Andrei and I knew we had different names and were often asked where we were from or how we were brothers but still in the same class. This was never a problem—in fact it was useful at times, especially when we could remind each other that we had homework to do at night.

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Growing Up As I got older I began to understand more about where I was from. I never felt that I was on a search for my “other parents” or thought that I should go to Russia to be with them. I just thought it would be good to learn who they were. Every first of April, on my birthday, I wondered if either of my birth parents remembered it was my birthday or wondered what I was up to. I always consider my mum and dad here to be my parents. They are the people who raised me. Nothing has ever changed that thought. They are the people who made me who I am today. My birth parents are the people who brought me into this world, and that is it. My mum and dad always talked to me about my roots and were completely honest about everything they knew. I asked them many times if they had other information on my birth parents, but all that was available were their names on paper. In the 1990s we didn’t have social media as we do today and any searches were only able to be made through a private investigator or the adoption agency. The internet was around but the resources were really limited. From a young age, I’d always been interested in the culture and language of Russia and spent hours reading and looking at the pictures in the many books Mum and Dad had at home. In the late 1990s, we connected to the internet and as a family sat down and looked at the vast amount of information available. It seemed we could ask about any subject and there was always an answer. 12

As a child I didn’t think about searching for my birth parents, I only wondered about them. I didn’t know much about how adoption worked, and I wasn’t fully aware of the entire story. I was still learning about it all. At intermediate school, searching for my birth parents was only at the back of my mind, definitely not at the top of my list of things to do. My time at intermediate was some of the most awesome in my life. My interest in filming with cameras was initiated at intermediate, and I knew that this was the work I wanted to do for a career. In 2002 I started to go on a few video courses, visited the local library and read about cameras. I also read about how films were made and how anyone can film at home. I wanted to make a short film of something but didn’t know where to start. I have always been interested in saving memories, whether by film, writing or recording. I didn’t have a camera, so I started my first job as a paperboy in 2005 and by the end of that year I had earned enough to buy my first camera. I had done some filming and small projects in 2004 with friends, using their filming gear. With my own camera I could film all the time, in fact I was so obsessed with filming that my family continually had a camera in their face. I know my brother Andrei hated the camera, but most of the time he was able to put up with it. Towards the end of 2005, my family and I had two options for our summer holiday: either drive around both the North and South Islands of New Zealand—visiting as many towns and cities as we could—or travel to Europe and Russia. As you can guess, I wanted to go to Russia as soon as possible, but Andrei wasn’t keen which was fair enough. I understood it would be wise to wait to visit our birth country until we were older. 13

With my camera ready, we drove all around New Zealand, seeing some incredible places. I filmed our family visiting cities and towns, tourist attractions and many unique areas. It was a trip of a lifetime. I felt like I had got my first ever Super 8 mm camera even though I was a little further ahead with the technology and had bought a Mini DV camera. I thought I was the new cool kid in town. When we returned home to Whangarei, we both started high school. It was another step in my life, and again I didn’t know what to expect. It was the start of 2006, I was soon to be fourteen years old, and everything was going to be different again. I was looking forward to it. I had begun to learn more about Russia and where I came from and, while not ready to do any searches, I knew I was almost prepared to start looking. Mum and Dad placed my brother and me in a boys-only school, reasoning we would be less distracted and learn more. We were, however, still distracted by the girls who were only on the other side of the road. When I began high school I had a crush on a girl whom I’d been at intermediate with. I won’t say her name but I was convinced she was going to be my girlfriend. That plan fell through—I tried everything to impress her but nothing worked, I just think I wasn’t cool enough. My years at high school were my coming of age years … just a series of crushes. Near the end of 2009, my interest in searching for my birth parents became a goal. I finally set up a Facebook profile, having previously used a different social media website called Bebo, and of course I’d used MSN. After having finished our homework, all we wanted to do was sit on the computer and talk to our mates on MSN.

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Looking back now, I don’t understand the point of just having MSN on and seeing who is online.

My First Search Looking at my old adoption papers, the only place I thought could help me in my search was ICANZ; I hadn’t considered using social media, which was becoming increasingly more advanced in my years at high school. I created an account on VK.com (VKontakte) which is Russia’s biggest social network website. I can’t remember how I learned of its existence and certainly didn’t know much about it but thought there might be a chance of finding information there on my birth parents. Before I started, I asked Mum and Dad how they felt about me searching for my birth parents, and they were, of course, happy for me to try. We all knew it was going to be difficult. I always had access to my adoption papers which were kept in a filing cabinet at home. When I asked Mum and Dad if they had any ideas as to how I could find more information, they suggested a private searcher, someone in Russia who might have been able to help. ICANZ also recommended this and gave me the name of a person they knew. From what I remember, I emailed this man telling him I was trying to find my birth parents but that the only information I had was their names on paper. He got back to me and said to me that it was going to be very hard, but he was willing to search for me. I then decided I wasn’t quite ready to find them and decided to wait a little longer. I had done my own searches on VK.com and Facebook but with no luck. I was unsure about what I should have done. Should I have gone ahead with someone personally searching for me or should I have kept trying to search? I thought about my birth parents also.

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I didn’t want to upset them and didn’t know if it was the right thing to do. All sorts of questions were going through my head. I just wanted to know who they were, what they looked like and what they do. That was all. Not everything about searching for birth parents has a positive result. I have heard stories of some adoptees doing their own search and not being happy about what they learn. I believe one needs to be mature enough to be prepared to deal with whatever the outcome is. One needs to be ready to recognise that they may not like what they learn but to accept it. Time went by fast, and I got busy. 2010 was my last year at high school and, like any other student, I needed to decide what I wanted to do with my life. I had only ever wanted to study film and television: I never gave up that dream. As I mentioned earlier, my goal had always been to be a camera operator, and I was willing to do whatever I could to make that happen. I knew my search for my birth parents wasn’t going to be easy and as I focused on other things it became less important to me. Mum and Dad knew I wanted to study film and television and they were supportive of this. Knowing I would have to leave Whangarei, I looked at courses in the area of film and television. I was keen to go to Auckland to study and, after looking at what was available, enrolled in a year-long course starting in February 2011. This was what I wanted to do, I was ready to do things on my own, and I wanted to be independent. I knew that maybe leaving home at eighteen was a little early but as everything fell into place I soon adjusted. I knew I was going to miss my home town of Whangarei but also knew I was ready to start the next step in my life. The people I studied with were great. We all got 16 on well, and today many of us are still in touch.

Everyone had the same goal—to have a career in television and film. One of our first assignments was interviewing each other. The topic I was given was “my birth parents and what I knew about them.” Of course, I knew nothing about them at that stage, so it was a very short interview! One student asked if I would be willing to meet them which reignited my thoughts of searching, but in the meantime I wanted to focus on my studies. Everyone I studied with knew I was adopted. They knew I was born in Russia and a lot of the time asked questions about what I knew. I always mentioned my five-year plan included filming a documentary on my search and finding them. I always thought about where my story would start and how I could tell the real story while being sensitive to my family’s feelings. Wanting to document parts of my life was important to me and film was a way to keep and record memories. 2011 went very fast. Our whole class enjoyed our study so much that we would have liked to continue our course for a few more years. We all left Film School knowing it was now up to us—we had to go out there and do what we could ourselves. I left knowing that I had completed my studies and it was now time for me to gain some experience.

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Finding my Birth Parents Almost ten years ago I had done some work experience at the Whangarei TV Station and, while studying, had enjoyed working on the New Zealand children’s show What Now? I knew that, in order to get a foot in the door, I needed more experience so I started searching for work. Not long after leaving Film School I was given the opportunity to work as the camera intern on the movie Emperor which was filmed in Auckland at the start of 2012. It was an incredible experience. In March of that year, I saw a job advertisement for a newly established lifestyle TV channel based in Auckland. I was happy living in Auckland, so thought this would be perfect. My application to be an on-air operator was successful and my first full-time role working in television had begun. Television and filming have always been my passion so I was very happy to now have a foot in the door. My hours varied: sometimes late nights, sometimes early mornings and sometimes office hours of 9 a.m. to 5 p.m. It was an opportunity to meet new people, and I enjoyed the work. I was confident that there were more opportunities to come and this was just the beginning. My employer started to develop new shows, and Aaron Carotta, one of the American producers, had travelled from the USA to film a cooking show that was filmed in New Zealand. He was looking for a camera operator, and when I told him I had studied camera work and was even willing to work for free, he was interested. The opportunity to film around New Zealand seemed too 18 good to be true.

This was around the middle of 2012. I had just started working in television, but things for me were going well and moving fast. My first shoot with Aaron was in Rotorua, a three-hour drive from Auckland. I drove down and met the main camera operator having no idea what I would be doing. Long story short, we filmed a few episodes of the show, which was pretty cool. Working together, Aaron and I got to know each other well, and before I knew it he asked if I would be interested in filming overseas at the beginning of 2013. My first shoot was to be in Seoul in South Korea. I was so excited to see my career continuing with this amazing opportunity. 2012 went by fast. It was my first year at this small TV station, but I had already learned a lot and felt prepared for my trip to South Korea at the start of the following year. I remember telling my parents that I had been asked to film in South Korea and they suggested I doublecheck that it was for real, so I showed them the itinerary. Aaron, the producer and host of the show, had everything prepared, and before I knew it I was in Seoul. Going overseas to do this camera work rekindled my interest in visiting Russia. While in Seoul, I talked with Aaron about my plans for the next few years: to search for and find my birth parents. Aaron had always been a good friend and said he would be keen to be involved if I did trace them. I remembered how I had searched in 2009, and pondered on what I could do differently this time. I needed to find other resources that would provide some clues. On returning to New Zealand, I visited my parents in Whangarei, who were happy to see me back in the country. I asked if I could have another look at my adoption papers, feeling there must be a way I could search and hopefully find them but realistically knowing it was going to be difficult: they were in Russia, a huge country, and I was in New Zealand. 19

I didn’t know what my chances were of finding them. I pulled the papers from the filing cabinet and again read the names and information that was available. The only information on my birth parents was their names. I didn’t know their dates of birth or have any photos. I went online and visited the usual websites, like Facebook and VK.com. I also learned about a website called Classmates (ok.ru) which is used by older people in Russia as their social network website. I recognised now that I would need help to find my birth parents, and it would have to be someone who could speak Russian. I did a search for Russians in Auckland and received lots of replies from people who wanted to hear my story and wanted to help. I found someone who was able to help me on VK.com. She and her husband saw that I was looking for a translator and that I was searching for my birth parents. They did some searches for me on the Russian website Classmates and through VK.com, they found my birth mother’s last name in a community group (these groups are made up of extended families to keep in touch with each other). This was great to see, but I wondered if it was going to help me find my birth parents. I was only able to search using their last names, and first searched for my birth mother, Tatiana, as nothing existed under my birth father’s name. I let people know I was also looking for my birth father, but information slowly started coming through about my birth mother. I received a message from a lady called Eleonora, who had seen my message on the community group link. She told me she knew of a Tatiana Guzovskaya living in her town but didn’t know that she had any children. Eleonora was interested in why I was searching for Tatiana, what I knew about her and why I wanted to contact her. I told her my story, my background and everything about my life since leaving Russia. 20

Eleanora was surprised as Tatiana had told no one of my existence and, after receiving some photos I sent through, she visited Tatiana to ask about me. I sat back and waited for updates. “She has told me that she never had children.” This was the first update I had. I was upset to hear this because I was 100% sure that this was my birth mother. Everything seemed to be correct, everything was right. I just needed to think about what to do next and how I was going to do it. A few days earlier I had received a photo of Tatiana from one of her school teachers, which had convinced me she was definitely my birth mother. I reminded myself that not everything would happen in a day, I just had to be patient. I asked Eleonora if she could ask Tatiana again about me and she agreed to try one more time to talk with her. First thing every morning, I checked my computer for any news. I knew there wouldn’t be news every morning, but when I did hear something, big or small, I was happy. After a few weeks, I finally received the update I was waiting for. Eleonora not only gave me information about my birth mother but she sent me some photos. Eleonora told me that Tatiana had told her the entire story and that she would like to talk to me as soon as she could, perhaps on her birthday. I agreed. She also told me that the only way I was able to contact her was through a home phone as she doesn’t use the internet or a mobile phone. Eleonora was helpful. She went back and forth to Tatiana’s house to get photos of her, give her photos of me and help us both send and receive letters. When Eleonora explained that Tatiana struggled with drinking, I was only a little worried as to whether a phone call on her birthday was a good idea. I wanted to talk to her no matter what, I just wanted to ask her how she was and if she was willing to meet me in person. 21

This all happened around the beginning of March 2013, and I was counting down the days to the eighteenth of March which was Tatiana’s birthday. This was when I would finally have a direct call (with the help of a translator of course) to her. Television New Zealand was interested in my story and around this time began filming and documenting. March eighteenth was a Monday night, and I had everything set to go for the phone call. A Russian couple, Dmitry and Elena, came to my place in the evening to translate, and I had bought some Skype credit to make the call. I knew that doing a phone call like this was going to be very different to a simple phone call over an app or through Facebook. We had a camera set up to film me talking to Tatiana, and we counted down the minutes until it was time to call. I opened up Skype, and we all sat back and waited. I put in her phone number and the phone started dialling. I was nervous, not knowing what was going to happen. I imagined her having a huge party, celebrating her birthday with friends and talking to me about how great her day had been, but that wasn’t to be the case. Someone picked up the phone and said “Hello.” Dmitry, the translator, asked if Tatiana was there. The lady immediately said, “No, sorry. Please try to call again in fifteen minutes as she is currently out.” I was surprised because she knew I was going to call her at this exact time, but then thought maybe she was afraid to talk to me or wasn’t ready to talk. We told the lady that was fine and that we would wait. We all sat back and looked at our phones, counting down the next fifteen minutes. I knew that this was never going to be easy and knew that not everything about finding her was going to be positive. There were many emotions running through me that night. Fifteen minutes had gone by—it felt like an hour—and we were ready to make the call 22 once again.

We dialled through to her phone and this time a different lady picked up the phone and said “Hello.” Dmitry asked if Tatiana was there. She said, “Yes, this is Tatiana speaking.” I didn’t know what they were saying, but Dmitry said, “It’s her, Alex. You can talk to her. Say what you want to say.” This all felt like it wasn’t happening. I asked how she was. I asked her how everything in her life was going and, of course, I wished her a happy birthday. She talked a lot about herself and what she was doing. She said she was having a great birthday with friends, everything was well and she wanted to meet me as soon as she could. The phone call wasn’t long, in fact it only lasted about fifteen minutes. We said goodbye and that we would talk again soon. After we said goodbye, Dmitry told me that Tatiana was incredibly drunk when she spoke to us. I knew that she was celebrating her birthday, but it was only ten in the morning over there. I hadn’t been aware of this but I was incredibly happy that I finally got to talk to her. Never in my wildest dreams had I imagined talking to my birth mother. I was happy and satisfied that I made that connection that evening.

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In Contact A few days later, Tatiana told Eleonora she was very happy to have talked to me and wanted to talk more. Tatiana’s husband at the time hadn’t known anything about me but said he too would like to meet me as soon as he could. I was happy with the phone call but knew I now needed more information: I wanted to know who my birth father was. At the back of my mind, I was thinking the birth father’s name on my adoption papers was incorrect. I wanted to know who he was or what had happened. I talked with Eleonora who managed to get some information from Tatiana a few days after I had called her. Eleonora told me who my birth father was and provided me with a link to a social network website that would put me in touch with him. I was unsure what to ask as he might not remember who my birth mother was or might think I was just some crazy person claiming to be his son. I looked through some photos of him that I had access to, some of which looked a lot like me and confirmed he had something to do with me. This was where my smile had come from. I had to be clear about what I was telling him as he was probably in for a shock. I went online and sent a message asking if he knew Tatiana or anything about me. I waited patiently for a reply, only to learn that he had blocked me from contacting him. I had thought that this might happen. I waited a few more days, and then he finally sent me a message wanting more information. He asked me what I knew of Tatiana and how I knew her. 24

I tried to explain that I had only just got in contact with her. He started to ask a few more questions and then realised that I was in fact his son. Every message and question got longer and longer. I tried to tell him my entire life story and what I knew about my adoption. He then told me he was very excited to know about me. His name was Mihail, different to what was on my adoption papers. Mihail told me he hadn’t known I existed, he had been told nothing about me. He did date Tatiana in the early 90s, but as soon as she was pregnant with me, he never saw her again. How did they meet? What happened all those years ago? I am still trying to figure that story out myself. Tatiana was raised in an orphanage, having had trouble with her family as a child, but she did write letters. She met my birth father who was a chef at a local school when she was around eighteen years old. They did know each other for quite a while. Mihail has told me that he did cook for the army but I am still not sure of the full story. They dated for a few weeks but, after a while, Tatiana just disappeared and Mihail never saw her again. Mihail told me that they were in love, but it was young love and everything was different then for them both. Tatiana left the orphanage when she was eighteen years old to work at a bakery. It was what kept her going. When she found out she was pregnant, she knew she wouldn’t be able to look after me when I was born so she just had me and left. A nurse looked after me as an infant. After this, I was then placed in the Baby House Regional Orphanage in Arkhangelsk. In 1994 Tatiana moved to Rybinsk, where she still lives, and Mihail eventually moved to Saint Petersburg. This all happened a long time ago but, when I talk about it, I always understand and say this was the past and times have changed. Tatiana has had a hard life, and I understand that.

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I thank her for giving me up as she made the right decision at the time. I told her that I’m always happy to talk with her if she wants. Mihail said he had already told his entire family about me and he wanted me to come to Russia as soon as possible. I suggested we keep it simple and start with a Skype call first then see what happens after that. I was keen to go to Russia of course. There was no doubt in my mind that I would go as soon as I could to meet Tatiana and Mihail. We exchanged our Skype usernames, and a friend of Mihail’s was available to translate for us. The webcam was set up, ready to go. It was the evening for me and morning for him. I started the video and he picked up. He was speechless. I think I was speechless too. I said “hello” and he said “hello” back. Then the questions and excitement just didn’t stop. He asked me so many questions that the translator was unable to keep up. Mihail said he knew where New Zealand was but it was a complete shock for him to learn he had a son living there. He started to cry with happiness as I told him about my life and what I do for a job. He told me he was sorry that Tatiana never told him about me but that was a long time ago and times have changed since then. He then introduced his family to me. He had recently married and now had a baby daughter and said that was another reason to come to Russia as soon as possible. I told him I would do all that I could to get there that year, knowing it wouldn’t be easy—or cheap. We talked for longer than I had with Tatiana and finally said goodbye with a promise to keep in touch.

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The next step on my journey was to plan the actual trip. I didn’t know where to begin or what steps I needed to take, but I immediately began to look at options. I didn’t know it was going to be as difficult as it turned out to be. We had planned to visit Russia in May and had managed to get some flights for a reasonable price, but my visa application put everything on hold.

I had completed the form, but it turned out the process I’d followed wasn’t correct. A few days before I was due to fly out I received an email from the Russian embassy saying I wouldn’t be able to enter Russia on my New Zealand passport; I had to use my Russian passport. I hadn’t looked at this since 1994 but was told I had to renew it and the process could take up to six months. I was disappointed and wondered if I really wanted to go to Russia after all. Everything had been going so well and then it wasn’t. I knew I was still able to travel in Russia but had to apply through a process that wasn’t familiar to me. My birth mother and birth father were also disappointed. Tatiana had already arranged for a day off work. I told Mihail and Tatiana I was applying for a Russian passport and we would just have to wait. I looked at what was needed to renew my passport and began to work on my application which had to be in the Russian language. A friend who had helped me talk to Tatiana the first time looked at the completed forms and assured me everything was correct. I didn’t realise the process was going to be so difficult: I even had to fly to the Russian embassy in Wellington to personally drop off my application. I now just had to wait, there was nothing else I could do. I couldn’t plan my dates or buy more tickets. I had to wait. I had to be patient and accept whatever happened. All I could think of was meeting my birth parents. Just after four months, I woke up to see an email from the embassy in my inbox. It was written in Russian but I was pretty confident it was something important. Feeling slightly apprehensive as to what I was going to read I clicked on the passport status. The email told me my passport was ready to collect from the embassy in Wellington. I was ecstatic. I knew that my journey had picked up from where I had left it. I knew it was going to happen soon!

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I called my parents and told them I was planning to go to Wellington to get my new passport. I told my birth parents what was happening and they encouraged me to visit as soon as possible. I made an appointment with the embassy and then bought a return flight to Wellington. At the airport, I caught a bus which arrived at the embassy in central Wellington. I waited nervously in the reception area for my name to be called. After five minutes I was asked if I was Alex Gilbert. I walked up to the counter, said I was and was handed my new passport. I then returned to Auckland. The following week my time was taken up with plans to visit Russia. I had to organise time off from work, check when would be a suitable time to meet both Tatiana and Mihail and then look at the cost of tickets. November seemed to be a time that would work for everyone. I knew this was the beginning of their winter and had heard how cold Russian winters could be but knew this would be a life-changing experience and something to remember forever. The cold was only a small part of that equation. I told my birth parents the dates I had locked in to visit and said that this time there shouldn’t be any problems. I had everything organised and ready to go. Mum and Dad had organised gifts for me to give to both Tatiana and Mihail. They had been amazingly supportive and wanted me to experience what life in Russia was like. I didn’t know what I was getting myself into but knew it would be something to remember. I talked about my trip all the time. My friends, the people at work, and my flatmates were tired of hearing the same thing over and over but were also interested in how it would be for me to finally meet my birth parents. I wanted to know what it would be like. It was the only thing I could think about. Weeks felt like months and 28 the days felt like weeks until the eighteenth of November arrived.

I knew Mum and Dad were uneasy about me going to Russia but I assured them everything was going to be alright (although I really had no idea what I was getting myself into …). We stayed in a hotel near the airport that night, knowing that none of us would sleep well. I couldn’t settle and found myself charging my phone and other devices and double and triple checking I hadn’t left anything behind. As we drove to the airport the following morning, I gazed out the car window wondering what the next few days would bring. Was I doing the right thing or the wrong thing? I couldn’t decide. I felt that perhaps I was letting Mum and Dad down by wanting to meet my birth parents but knew I only wanted to meet them and make that connection. My parents will always be my parents here in New Zealand; they are the people who raised me and made me who I am today. They are still my mum and dad. We arrived at the airport, and I went straight to the check-in counter where everything was processed quickly and correctly. My Russian passport was looked at and was all good to go.

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