Crombie Jardine PUBLISHING LIMITED 13 Nonsuch Walk, Cheam, Surrey, SM2 7LG www.crombiejardine.com This edition was first published by Crombie Jardine Publishing Limited in 2006 Copyright © Crombie Jardine Publishing Limited, 2006 All rights are reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise, without the prior written permission of the publisher.
ISBN 1-905102-68-2 Written by Jessica Barrah Illustrations by Jessica Barrah Designed by Stewart Ferris Printed and bound in the United Kingdom by William Clowes Ltd, Beccles, Suffolk, England
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CONTENTS PLENTY MORE FISH .................... 6 GUTTED ....................................... 8 IT’S NOT YOU, IT’S ME ............. 14 SPACE: THE FINAL FRONTIER . 17 HAVE A BREAK… ....................... 23 WALLOW: IS IT ME YOU’RE LOOKING FOR? .................... 30 JUST DON’T DO IT .................... 33 CU L8R ........................................ 38 PAPERLESS LOVE ........................ 41 I THINK THAT WE SHOULD JUST BE FRIENDS ........................... 42 JUST GOOD FRIENDS ............... 44 SLEEPING WITH THE ENEMY .. 48
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It’s all about keeping your head above the Pinot Grigio
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NEVER AGAIN ............................ 50 EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON… ............................ 57 SAD SONGS SAY SO MUCH ...... 62 DRY YOUR EYES, MATE ............ 70 DROWNING YOUR SORROWS 74 BEER GOGGLES ......................... 78 EATING FOR ONE ..................... 79 COMFORT EATING ................... 82 REVENGE .................................... 86 YOUNG, FREE (OR AT LEAST REASONABLY PRICED) AND SINGLE .................................. 91 QUAKE ........................................ 94 HOW DO I FEEL? ....................... 99 PLENTY MORE FISH PART II ... 106 HOW SAD ARE YOU? .............. 110
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PLENTY MORE FISH There may well be Plenty more fish in the sea But experience leads me to think That all these fish Will eventually stink
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GUTTED
You’ve been dumped. Again. You are feeling the pain. Everyone is telling you that you’re better off without them, that there are plenty more fish in the sea, but you feel more like a hermit crab – all you want to do is crawl under a duvet, and never come out.
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Do you feel worse because you failed to see it coming? Were there warning signs that you missed? Did your boyfriend begin making excuses for not meeting up, for example, saying, “I’m staying in and washing my hair,” when he was as bald as a light bulb? Did your girlfriend say she had started volunteering at the local leper colony, and it might be dangerous for you to touch her?
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Other warning signs that things are not going well:
' They
suddenly start talking about needing ‘space’, although you only see them once a week anyway. When you ask how much space they think they need, they mutter, “To infinity and beyond!”.
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' To put the ‘spark’ back into the
relationship, you agree to a threesome, but find yourself pushed out of bed and sleeping on the floor, while your lover and the ‘other’ go at it hammer and tongs all night.
' Your so-called ‘partner’ snogs someone else in front of you in a club, and instead of apologizing profusely, says, “Couldn’t you just go to the toilet or something? You’re cramping my style.” 11
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' You
find them practising a speech in front of the mirror, containing the words, “It’s not you, it’s me”.
' They say they never want to see you again, that they never loved you, and either move out, or ask you to move out.*
* This one is a very strong hint that you are going to be breaking up in the immediate future. You, as a couple, are in fact, already past tense.
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Learn to recognize the signs, and next time you see a break up looming, dump them first. You may still feel bad, but at least you can look like you were in control.
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IT’S NOT YOU, IT’S ME It’s not me, it’s you Who requested this trial separation So excuse me if I seem upset And see no cause for celebration I’ve no urge to pick up drunks in bars For acts of fornication It’s not me, it’s you who wanted This kind of liberation Freedom feels like loneliness And all this space just empty Can’t you think once of me, not you? As I’m left here in limbo While you decide what you want to do 14
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You may still be hoping that you’ll get back together. As Lenny Kravitz said, “It ain’t over till it’s over.” Let’s analyze the situation as it stands. Is this really the end of the line? Or will there be a few make-ups and break-ups, slaggings off and drinks thrown around before you finally get engaged, married, sleep with the bridesmaid/best man, divorce, make a failed suicide bid, 15
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remarry the same person then get divorced again, and you take out a restraining order, and find out that your ex has paid for a contract killer. Then you finally find out you were brother and sister in the first place. Or does that only happen in soap operas? Perhaps they didn’t actually say you were breaking up. Perhaps you’re just ‘taking a break’ to reevaluate your relationship. Perhaps you both needed to take a step back, give each other ‘space’. 16
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SPACE: THE FINAL FRONTIER
Space! They need space, they say? Why not create some space for them? A little breathing space, for example, between their two front teeth. For a while there, you felt you really and truly knew the meaning 17
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of the phrase my other half. You breathed each other’s breath. You phoned them on their mobile, just to hear their voice again, (although they were still on the bus to work, having left ten minutes earlier) to tell them “Missing you already,” without a sense of irony. God, it serves you right! The person you thought was that elusive ‘soul mate’, the yen to your ying, the sweet to your sour, the Cannon to your Ball may have felt stifled and claustrophobic. They may also 18
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have been tempted to club you to death if you insisted on carrying on having conversations like: “Where are you going, darling?” “To the toilet.” “Oh. Why are you carrying a newspaper? Will it be a number 2 then? Don’t spend too long away from me, sweet cheeks. Love you. See you soon, precious.” Remember what Kahlil Gibran said in The Prophet – Get a life.* 19
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HOW TO GET OVER A BREAK-UP *The better read amongst you may have noticed that Kahlil Gibran said nothing of the sort in ‘The Prophet’, but instead talked about trees in the forest not growing too closely together. However, I can’t see what forestry has got to do with relationships.
If you were the old woman who lived in a shoe, or were sharing a studio flat, needing physical space could be entirely understandable, but the inverted commas around ‘needing space’ flags up a relatively modern excuse for dumping someone, a kind of psychological or emotional ‘space’ that indicates that your ex, or soon-to-be ex, has 20
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just been watching far too many daytime ‘talk’ shows. Don’t bother listening to the lame excuses that all seem to end with the word ‘issues’ – commitment issues, fidelity issues, being a decent human being issues… In the past, a young man would merely have hoped for an international issue, such as a World War to get him out of the grasp of a young lady. Now they bleat on as if you should be sorry for them for their general crapness. 21
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Needing space does not necessarily mean that you are splitting up. You may find that, after having a bit of this space, they decide they liked it better back with you. Same with ‘taking a break’. Maybe it is just a break. A breathing space to gather their thoughts and emotions together, and evaluate the state of your relationship, how you can work on it, and go forward together into a bright future filled with butterflies and rainbows.
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HAVE A BREAK…
Let’s face it, though, unfortunately nine times out of ten, the break they are talking about doesn’t usually involve two fingers of chocolate-covered wafer. Instead of whipping out a Kit Kat (to create a variation on the Marianne Faithful Mars Bar legend), the break they are talking about
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usually involves doing those things that they have been missing whilst with you, things that you can only legitimately do when you are single. This could be things like listening to The Archers omnibus on a Sunday morning, spending more time doing the garden or having the time to concentrate on their poetry and volunteering for Oxfam. On the other hand it could be things like staying out all night, taking hard drugs, cross dressing and having group sex. 24
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Let’s consider these two scenarios, and see how your ex may be fairing. On a Friday night, do they a) Go out with their mates, get hammered/take every Class A drug known to man and get off with random, stunningly gorgeous twins, going back to the beautiful twins’ house, leaving as soon as possible after shagging them senseless, having a kebab on the way 25
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home, falling asleep, waking up and watching telly until mid afternoon in bed – whilst eating the half eaten kebab they found next to their pillow and drinking a can of Guinness?
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b) Go out with their mates, watch mates get off with random, stunningly attractive strangers, whilst they have a lonely drink at the bar, and decide to go home at 10:40 p.m. They come to realize that it’s a lot more expensive getting a taxi on their own, and when they get home they settle for watching the rest of Jonathan Ross with a cup of black tea, (as you were the one who usually remembered to buy milk)? 27
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Don’t hold out any hopes for the Situation a). The break is a fracture. That bone’s not going to set. But Situation b) might end in your ex phoning you in desperation. They’ve realized that being ‘on the market’ is not as fun as they thought it might be, and are now feeling like they may never persuade anyone to have sex with them again. Be prepared.
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If you want them back, don’t pick up the phone. You may have been sitting in, crying into your cocoa, watching re-runs of Friends. Remember Ross and Rachel? “We were on a break!” … Don’t give in too easily.
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WALLOW: IS IT ME YOU’RE LOOKING FOR?
You yourself may well have a strong urge to phone your ex, to finish unfinished business, to try to talk them out of it, to tell them that they are pond slime…but just write down all the things you want to say to them on a piece of paper, then burn it. 30
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The point is to look so happy without them, that a) They start getting worried, and change their mind and tell you that they made a terrible mistake, at which point you laugh in their face. b) If they don’t go the Situation a) route, at least you don’t seem like a pathetic damp rag. If you think happy, you may fool yourself into actually being happy. 31
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How are you going to make them believe that you don’t even miss them, if you keep phoning?
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JUST DON’T DO IT Don’t phone It’s just not fun To force a conversation Be the anti-Nike How ever much you’d like To make them Reassess the situation Sit on your hands Pull the phone off the wall Do whatever it takes But just don’t call
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You know that if you talk to them You’ll start to bawl So please, Just don’t do it.
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Mobile phones have a lot to answer for. In the good old days you would have to find a phone box that hadn’t actually been vandalized, find change that would actually be accepted by the machine, and endure the smell of urine in an enclosed space. Nowadays it is frighteningly easy to call up your ex. Just one press on a keypad, and before you know it, you are calling redial, even when you’re out and about.
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You know, logically, that you just want to chat, perhaps to enquire about the train of thought that led them to believe that you would be better off apart. You know that you just want a civilized discussion about the details of splitting up – for example, who’s going to gain custody of the beanbag and cheese plant you bought together? However, somehow it degenerates into a slanging match, ending with you wailing down the line, “But I love you! You said you loved me 36
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too! How could you do this to me?!! I thought we would be together forever.” The urge to phone them gets worse as it gets later at night, and especially after a few drinks. You can leave some pretty embarrassing and incoherent messages after a night out teaching those sorrows to swim. And if they’re not answering your calls anymore, you can still text them. 37
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CU L8R I usd 2 luv u Think u wr gr8 But u tld lies Frm the v. 1st d8 Don’t wanna cu l8r Cuz now I h8 ya.
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One of the positive points about mobile phones is that you don’t have to memorize anyone’s number, and will probably not have written it down in an address book. After all, all you need to do is look at the ‘contacts’, and press the dial button. So if you erase all traces of their number from your phone, including all old texts, then it will be a lot more difficult to phone them.
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You may find yourself later desperately going through old phone bills or looking at received calls as far back as you are able to but at least you’ve taken all the steps you can. And in this day and age, if you wanted to get rid of all traces of your ex you wouldn’t have to do that much.
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PAPERLESS LOVE There’s nothing to burn No paper to blaze a trail All I need to do is press delete To wipe out your texts and emails Your virtual flowers Your virtual love To erase you is not so hard Your face from my screen saver And my camera’s memory card Write my last message To ask if it’s really the end Left click, and send.
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I THINK THAT WE SHOULD JUST BE FRIENDS
The wrong reaction:
“Yeah, that’s an excellent idea, because, you know, we always did get on really well, and that sex thing was just something that got in the way of a meeting of true minds.” (Maybe if we’re friends we can still shag?) 42
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The correct reaction:
“Ha ha ha. Ho ho ho. Hee hee hee. You’re pulling my leg. I’ve got enough friends already, ones who actually tell me the truth when I ask them where they were at 9 p.m. last night.” Some people do manage to remain just good friends. Some people also overcome the odds of 92 million to one, and win the lottery. Hey! It could be you!
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JUST GOOD FRIENDS Do friends do this? Do friends feel a shiver of regret when they kiss hello And studiously avoid the lips? Do friends say it will all be the same In fact, maybe better, but then never call again? Do friends divide mutual friends into for and against? Do friends have to serve orders of restraint? 44
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After too much angry talking and quasi stalking Time may heal and broken hearts mend. But don’t bother to say we’ll be just good friends.
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Remember the shower scene in Psycho? Those screechy violins should start playing if your ex mentions ‘going to have a quick drink’. Drinks are seldom quick at the best of times and you’ll either end up fighting, and wasting your drink by chucking it over your ex, or being in danger of having that one last shag, ‘for the road’. Hopefully not in the road – which really would be dangerous. You might get run over, and tarmac is not that comfortable. Don’t do it.
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On the other hand, shag away! Pump away until you get it out of your system. But what if you never get it out of your system? What if your ex is like herpes? What if your ex has herpes?
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SLEEPING WITH THE ENEMY He says he misses you most at night He says he only needed some space And now you’ve spent some time apart He’s been dreaming about your face He says he knows now he messed things up He says he knows deep in his heart That you were meant to be together And he wants to make a new start The start could start from this moment And that start could commence in bed Forget about his bleeding heart 48
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And break his balls instead. Old time won’t really give a toss So please don’t make the mistake Of crashing into each others arms And doing it for his sake.
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NEVER AGAIN Never again, I’m becoming a nun Or a total recluse Or a lesbian.
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So, it’s definitely over. The fat lady has sung. With girls it’s always, “I’m becoming a nun.” It didn’t work for Maria Von Trapp, so why should it work for you? And becoming a rebound lesbian is not a good idea. Imagine when your periods are in sync. Think of the rows two ladies could have when both have raging PMT. It’s a wonder any lesbians ever stay together.
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The only reasons for becoming a lesbian after a break up are: a) If you think you really do prefer the fairer sex, and that was one of the main reasons for the break up anyway. b) You are a struggling actress/ singer and you hook up with an A-list lesbian Hollywood actress. Et voilà! Suddenly you are famous, on the cover of Vanity Fair and the National Enquirer, and people are 52
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rooting through your bins for proof that you are anorexic/ bulimic/addicted to prescription or illegal drugs/actually a man. You might hear men saying they are steering clear of relationships for a while. But you don’t hear them saying that they are going to become priests or homosexuals (or indeed homosexual priests).
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S h o c k in g new s ju s t co m in U n c o n fi g in .. . rmed a s yet... Bu t sc s a y th a ientists t s ta ti s tically, o nly fifte en per cent of men a re bastards.
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You do hear men saying, “Women! they’re all the bloody same,” occasionally, but the all-men-arebastards thing is almost seen as a truism, like, the earth is round, water freezes when it’s cold, boils when you heat it… and all men are bastards. This seems slightly unfair to a large percentage of the male population.
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As Jack Kerouac said, “Some’s bastards, and some’s ain’t. That’s the score.” Same with women. Some’s bitches, some’s ain’t. However, in your particular case, your ex may well be a bitch/ bastard. In which case…you’re better off without them. And the next time won’t necessarily turn out the same.
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EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON… (the reason being, for one reason or another, they didn’t want to be with you any more)
Why do friends suddenly become philosophers or pseudo-religious therapists when bad things happen to good people (i.e. you)?
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If anyone else tells you, “Everything happens for a reason… When one door closes another one opens,” etc. etc. you’re entitled to scream. Shove that self-help manual down their throats to shut them up. Clichéd phrases are flowing faster than the booze you’ve bought to drown your sorrows, and although you know that your friends are only trying to cheer you up, they’re not succeeding. Maybe you will be better off without your ex, maybe it will all 58
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work out for the best, but at the end of the day you’re going home alone tonight. You can try to make yourself feel better by writing down all the things that were wrong about them.
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I WON’T MISS The way he picked his nose, Examined it, ate it Was one thing that I always hated. The way he fanned the duvet when he farted, The way he held a knife and fork, Don’t get me started. The way he thought he was always right, The way he slept diagonally in our bed at night. The way he shouted at the telly when he didn’t agree, 60
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The way he made bad decisions and then blamed me, The way he chewed his food, The way he stewed my tea. The way he was lewd when pissed, This is only the start of a lengthy list. But in the end, I know I will miss The way that he held me And the way that he kissed.
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SAD SONGS SAY SO MUCH
Yes, it’s that “How am I supposed to live without you?” moment; the time when your usual music taste (death metal) goes out the window, and you start listening to Michael Bolton, and crying into your old one-eyed rabbit that’s lost all his fluff, because Mr. Fluffy Wuffy is the only one who really 62
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understands you. Or at least he’s not telling you that time heals all wounds and everything happens for a reason. Now could be a time for music therapy. Music can take you through a sentimental journey through your feelings: the different stages of learning to cope with the break up, from despairing and masochistic, to sentimental and melancholy, through angry and defiant, onto optimistic and positive. 63
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Here is a suggested play list for those first home alone moments : The first cut is the deepest Rod Stewart
Love will tear us apart again Joy Division
What becomes of the broken-hearted? Jimmy Ruffin
How can we be lovers if we can’t be friends? Michael Bolton
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I can’t live (if living is without you) Nilsson/Mariah Carey
How am I supposed to live without you? Michael Bolton
All by myself Eric Carmen
Heaven knows I’m miserable now Morrissey
Nothing compares 2 U Sinead O’Connor
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If I can’t have you Yvonne Elliman
I want you back Jackson 5
I hate you so much right now Kelis
I will survive Gloria Gaynor
Things can only get better D:Ream
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And of course not forgetting : Fuck you right back lyrics Frankee
Fuck it (I don’t want you back) Eamon
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SAD SONGS Sad songs stop saying so much After the sixty-third rotation Is this the death from a thousand replays? Desist from this self-laceration You can get through this pain, And feel happy again Feel good about being alive Gloria Gaynor will get you through Just listen to I will survive (and you will survive, unless you walk in front of a bus, or take drowning your sorrows too literally.)
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DRY YOUR EYES, MATE
Men have it harder. Females have the right to go into total breakdown mode, spending hours, days, even weeks on the sofa, sobbing down the phone, asking all their friends the same questions over and over again, swithering from a wreck, to a strong woman, back to a wreck, even a month or
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so on, if the break up has been bad, or if she sees her ex. Men might punch their friends sympathetically on the arm and go, “All right, mate?” and hope that that’s the end of it. They may grudgingly listen to a bit of moaning, but after a day or two, they think, “You should surely be over it by now!” and proceed to wrestle the afflicted one to the ground, punch their head in, and try to get them to come to a lap
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dancing club as therapy, whilst forcing alcohol on them.
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It’s all about keeping your head above the Pinot Grigio 73
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DROWNING YOUR SORROWS
Alcohol is the traditional cure for a broken heart. If the way to a man’s heart is his stomach, the way to mend a heart is by caressing the insides of that stomach with booze. It works very well for women too, especially when white wine is involved. 74
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It’s possible that given the right atmosphere and the right company you can indeed pack up your troubles in a full pint glass and Smile! Smile! Smile! But alcohol is actually a depressant, so if you are drinking neat vodka and watching an art house movie in Norwegian, then you may like to hide any sharp objects or lengths of rope in the near vicinity.
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If, however, you are dressed up nicely, with a group of friends intent on cheering you up, and a few fine specimens of the opposite sex around you, then you might be on for another classic cure for heartbreak – the rebound. Those pesky sorrows are very good swimmers. It takes a lot to drown them. Drowning sorrows can lead to attempts of mouth-to-mouth resuscitation with complete strangers. 76
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Just make sure the person you end up with is not a recently dumped person themselves, or you may find the pair of you rebounding all over the place, like an explosion in a tennis ball factory. The last thing you want is to spend your night comparing sob stories about your exes.
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BEER GOGGLES With beer goggles and Chardonnay specs Suddenly members of the opposite sex All look more attractive than your ex At least, that’s what I’ve always found In the dark of a nightclub On the rebound.
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EATING FOR ONE
Before the break up, you might have ‘slipped into something more comfortable’ with your ex… a silky negligée, or under the bed sheets. Now you are more likely to slip into a vat of chocolate fudge sauce. Comfort eating is one of the least dangerous ways of coping with heartache, and is a typically
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female thing to do. You don’t often hear of men sitting at home in their pyjamas, watching An Affair to Remember and bawling into their Chunky Monkey. You see them more comfort brawling outside pubs, or comfort Xboxing. A few pints of ice cream, some Krispie Kreme donuts, white chocolate and macadamia nut cookies, a few bags of kettle chips, large pepperoni pizza and some hot wings are not going to kill you 80
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(unless you have diabetes). Though you may be actually physically sick, rather than just heart sick, Death by Chocolate is a lot slower than death by alcohol poisoning or mainlining drugs. Still, it’s not recommended as your regular diet, or you may find yourself requiring extra oxygen supplies, and a motorized wheelchair as you will be too fat to breathe unaided, let alone walk.
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COMFORT EATING Mashed potatoes are a warm white hug Hot chocolate with whipped cream a caress in a mug A six pack of Doritos cushion the blow A pint of ice cream makes you numb Like Valium.
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But although some find comfort in the cookie jar, others may not be able to eat at all. The Heartbreak Diet is one of the best diets known to mankind. This is unfortunate if you are already slim, as when the pounds drop off, people will start making remarks about skeletons and matchsticks, and warning you not to walk over drains or cracks in the pavement as you may fall through. But if you start off with excess poundage, The Heartbreak Diet is for you!
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Remember how diets usually go? You buy all the food on the list of ‘good foods’: typically grapefruit, lettuce, celery, skinless chicken breasts, quinoa, etc. and start Monday enthusiastically with an egg-white omelette on rye bread. By lunchtime your salad in the Tupperware container is looking a bit limp and uninteresting, and you wish you could buy one of those prawn mayonnaise baguettes from the sandwich lady at work. By 4 p.m. you are buying a Snickers from the vending machine, and get fish and chips on the way home. 84
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Now, putting a spoonful of soup in your mouth and swallowing it seems difficult. Bad in the long term, but you’ll get over it soon enough, and be looking buff for the next time you see your ex. You could also consider getting a new hairstyle and buying new clothes. You’ll look so fantastic that they’ll be kicking themselves for dumping you. This type of revenge can be sweeter than chocolate. Eat your heart out, loser! 85
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REVENGE They say revenge is a dish best served cold but I have to disagree: by now the prawns sewn into the curtains by your heater must be warming up nicely.
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You read in magazines and these self-help manuals that the best revenge is being happy without them, and getting on with your life. There is much to recommend this.
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Another type of revenge could be:
& Putting itching powder in their underwear drawer.
& Swapping their hair gel for glue. & Giving
away their most expensive clothes to charity shops.
& Calling a premium sex line in Malaysia from their mobile phone, and leaving it on.
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& Sleeping with their best friend. & Cutting
through the brake cables on their car.
& Stabbing them to death with a rusty fork.
The last two may be a little extreme and could lead you to spend the rest of your life in jail. Not recommended, unless you want your next partner to be someone called Big Hairy Brenda – and this applies both for male 89
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and female detained at Her Majesty’s pleasure. What a sadist Her Majesty must be!
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YOUNG, FREE (OR AT LEAST REASONABLY PRICED) AND SINGLE
When you’re single the world is your oyster, and you’re on the hunt for a pearl. Freedom can be a scary thing. So much choice can be a scary thing. It depends both on what stage of your life you are at, and your essential character as to whether you think, “Yay! I’m single. 91
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Watch out ladies /men /both!” Generally, when you’re young you don’t want to tie yourself down. You want someone to tie you up instead! There’s a whole smorgasbord of tempting delicacies laid out on your table, and it would be rude not to taste as many as you can. Once you’ve tried everything, and your palate has become jaded, being single again may be a chore. It may be like being confined to solitary. You’ve been round the block so many times you’ve worn 92
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a trench rather than just a track. Don’t worry. There are always new flavours out there to tempt your taste buds. Long term prisoners have a hard time adjusting to every day life when they get outside the prison walls, even though they’ve spent all the time imagining what freedom might be like. And when you’ve been with someone for a long, long time, you might be afraid of tasting something other than the equivalent of prison food. But go ahead…you know you want to! 93
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QUAKE You said we had just grown apart like continental drift, It was only us - no other to blame for this painful final rift. But when I see you kissing her so soon I wait for a seismic shift, For the earth to open up and swallow you both Would be the perfect break-up gift.
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It’s always a bit strange seeing your ex with someone new, even if the break up was ‘mutual’. Wasn’t that supposed to be your face, next to theirs? Wasn’t that supposed to be your hand in their hand? It’s worse if you suspect, or know, that you ‘overlapped’ with their new lover. It’s even more bizarre if they’ve left you for a member of the same sex as themselves. At least you don’t have to blame yourself. You can think, oh well, it wasn’t me, it was just my genitalia. 95
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If they’ve left you for someone noticeably less attractive than you, it is hard to reconcile yourself to it. Does this make it better, or worse? You can console yourself that at least you’re superior looking, and that they ’ve downshifted. However it might make you wonder if actually your perception of yourself is skewered, and if in fact you are even more of a hound. Or it may make you worry that your personality leaves something 96
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to be desired, or that this new person is dynamite in the sack. If they’ve left you for someone better looking, then console yourself that your ex was superficial and shallow. If they’ve left you for someone younger, they are just going through a midlife crisis, and are in for years of agony, always worrying that their new partner will soon tire of their wrinkles and jowls, and hook up with someone more their own age. If they ’ve left you for 97
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someone older, imagine them pushing their new partner around in a wheelchair, and taking them to the toilet. Don’t obsess too much about it. It’s over – move on. Your feelings are bound to be all over the place. It’s to be expected.
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HOW DO I FEEL? Like a see-saw Like a yo-yo I can’t get used To being solo My spirits soar And then drop So low You ask how I feel? I just don’t know.
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Single life has recommend it:
much
to
& You
can eat what you like, when you like.
& You can come home late, or stay in, every night.
& You can read, stay up all night watching TV, or get an early night.
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& You
can spread out, starshaped in the middle of the bed.
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& You can go out with your mates any time you like.
& You
can get drunk and flirt without creating a ‘domestic’.
& You can go on holiday anywhere you like, with anyone you like.
& You can choose any DVD to
watch without having a threehour argument in Blockbusters. 102
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& You don’t have to see their annoying friends, or go to those boring couples’ parties any more.
& You
don’t have to feign an interest in football / You can watch as much football as you like.
Enjoy it! Don’t get addicted to S& M (the dreaded Serial Monogamy).
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There comes a point, usually around your late twenties or early thirties when everyone you know is getting married, or has been married for a good few years and starting having children. If they jumped off a cliff, would you do it as well? If you still can’t seem to find that special someone, try not to rush into anything like a desperate lemming. Don’t worry. In a few years they’ll all start getting divorced, and then you’ll be laughing. 104
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What’s so bad about being alone for a bit anyway? You’re a nice person, aren’t you? Spend some quality time with yourself. You will be happy again, and sooner than you think.
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PLENTY MORE FISH PART II Who wants another fish anyway? They’re all cold-eyed and slippery The fish I want is battered And bought from the local chippy.
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My boyfriend and I split up over religious differences…
He thought he was God, and I didn’t.
I must admit, you brought religion in my life…
I never believed in Hell until I met you.
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Q. What should you do if you see your ex rolling around in pain on the ground?
A. Shoot them again.
You know it’s a bad day when your blind date is your ex.
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HOW SAD ARE YOU?
If you saw your ex in the street, would you
a) Smile, and say, “Hello”, perhaps stopping for a quick chat, perhaps not. b) Smile, stop for a chat, invite them for a coffee, or something stronger, then back to yours.
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c) Talk loudly into your mobile, saying things like, “I can’t wait until tonight, darling, I’m so hot for you.” d) Duck behind a telephone box or pillar and take aim with the revolver you bought on the off chance of running into them. e) Burst into tears, run up to them, and beg them on your knees to take you back, holding onto their legs as they try to make a swift exit? 111
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How often do you think of your ex?
a) Who? b) We still talk every day, and see each other constantly, so, yes I think of them often. c) Yeah, I think of them a lot. I bet they think about me too, don’t they?
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d) I think of ways to get back at them obsessively for hours on end, whilst stabbing at a wax effigy of them with pins. e) If I don’t think of them in a three-minute period then it’s a triumph.
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If you won a luxury holiday for two to Thailand, you would
a) Take a friend, and hope to have a great time partying and meeting new people, maybe even having a holiday romance? b) Invite your ex. You’re still best mates, so why not? c) Phone up your ex, to tell them about it, then say you are going with your hot new (imaginary) lover. 114
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d) Ask your ex to come along, then slip some drugs into their luggage, hoping that they’ll get banged up in the Bangkok Hilton. e) Burst into tears, and stay at home watching Love Story on repeat. What’s the point of anything without the love of your life?
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If someone asked you on a date you would
a) Go. It’s fantastic being free and single again! b) Invite your ex along too. You could all be friends together. c) Go, hoping you might bump into your ex, and make them jealous. d) Go, but spend most of the time slagging off your ex. 116
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e) Look horrified, and tell them that you are already taken. Even though you’ve split up, surely it can’t be long before your ex realizes they have made the biggest mistake of their lives? Let’s see how you rate on the scale of ‘Tragic‘ to ‘Great’.
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MOSTLY A – FEELING FINE!
You are so far over them that you have difficulty recalling their name, or the fact that they even existed.
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MOSTLY B – BEZZY MATES!
Have you actually even split up? Maybe you really do need a little ‘space’… How are you ever going to meet someone else if you’re constantly with your ex?
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MOSTLY C – GET OVER IT!
Look, they dumped you, right? Don’t keep hoping that you’ll get back together. You’re making all these efforts to make them jealous, but they obviously couldn’t care less.
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MOSTLY D – CRAZED STALKER!
You are as bitter as strychnine, and thinking of slipping it into your ex’s coffee. Be careful, you may want revenge, but don’t go too far, or instant karma’s gonna get you.
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MOSTLY E – TRAGEDY!
Saddo Alert! Pull yourself together, and stop snivelling. It’s over. Cheer up, and move on.
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ISBN 1-905102-59-3, £2.99
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ISBN 1-905102-50-X, £2.99
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ISBN 1-905102-03-8, £2.99
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If you enjoyed this book, and have any comments or suggestions to make, please email
[email protected]
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www.crombiejardine.com
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