How to get a girlfriend

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TABLE OF CONTENTS



Introduction

1) What Is Your Purpose? 2) Positive Emotions = Positive Relationships 3) Bringing Her Into Your World 4) The Social Self – Presenting yourself With Power 5) Communicating With Women 6) A Look With Style 7) Living With Passion

Conclusion

Table of Contents Page 

Introduction Page 

“Well, I have finally done it”, I thought. “I have just bought a book that is going to help me with women – how pathetic. I am such a worthless specimen of man that I now need guidance just to get a date? Geez!” A few years ago, I admitted to myself that I wanted help with women. So much so that I threw down some money for a book similar to this one. I was coming off of a devastating break-up. It was one of those relationships where I was considering marrying the girl. She had met my family, and they loved her. I had met her family, and they loved me. Hell, I had even passed through the icy stare of her father to the point of us heading out to walk the dogs on occasion. I was “in”, wasn’t I? Nope. Not even close. I had made some critical errors when relating with women that ALWAYS reverse attraction, leaving me alone, once again. So, I made it my mission to get this area “handled” ASAP. When I took the great leap into the immense amount of information about meeting women, dating and seduction, I discovered A LOT of confusion, mixed messages and very complex theories. To say I was fascinated would be an understatement. Within a year, I emerged as one of the best at meeting and dating women in the world. That is, until “the chase” became unsatisfying and unfulfilling. In the end, I was living in a sweet pad in the Hollywood Hills, taking guys out to the clubs on a nightly basis, demonstrating before their very eyes the exact methods I used so that they could do it themselves. Was it effective at getting me laid? You bet. Was it fulfilling my wish for a relationship? Nope. Not even close. Introduction Page 

You see, I had become a “player” whose sole mission was to conquer women into bed, rather than relate to them as equals. What I learned was that you can’t be a pretender and have meaningful and rich relationships with others. Players attract players. More often than not, the women I met were just like me – interested in games, followed by a little rumble in the hay. Girlfriend material? Not even close! Who you are is what you attract in the opposite sex. What you give to the world is what you get in return. Quality women would look at me and instinctively know I was a short-term guy, only looking for one thing. They knew I couldn’t be trusted. You know what? They made the right decision. I had to take a long, hard, look at myself. Why was this happening? I had “mastered” these skills for attracting women, so why was I still so unhappy? You see, I got sidetracked. When I started to learn methods for being successful with women, I got seduced into “the chase”. I had forgotten that what I truly wanted was companionship, intimacy and love. I had taken the easier road. “Picking-up” was easy, relating to women without games was much harder, and forded me to grow up. I can see now, in retrospect, why I would gravitate towards the carrot of instant gratification. It’s EASIER. But I now know that it is not the way to satisfaction and happiness. I had to change. As with everything in life, the problem was with me and not with the world. I knew that there were social skills helpful in attracting women. In fact, we are going to cover those in Chapter V of this book. What I didn’t realize though was that there were some necessary life skills that I was missing. Based on my research and work around the world, MOST guys are missing these skills. And the big surprise? MOST of these skills have nothing to do with women. And ALL of them are necessary if you want to truly master your social life and meet the right women for you. They are about YOU. If you are able to embrace and incorporate these skills you will NEVER experience dissatisfaction with women again. Why? Because you will be an attractive man, magnetizing women into your world. You will attract them rather than chase them. Introduction Page 

The aim of this book is to help you understand what it means to be an attractive man, and to teach you how to swiftly incorporate those skills into your life. Honestly, this is THE book I needed when I entered the dating community. How do most guys meet women? Through their social circle, right? You are at a party thrown by a friend of yours, and there are lots of people there, including this cute girl who is a friend of a friend. Next thing you know, you are talking with her, you are into her and she is into you. You have her phone number, you give her a call, you go out on a date…this scenario happens DAILY. I would even say it happens HOURLY guys! I help you master this topic in great detail in Chapter IV. Ever want to be the coolest guy in your social circle? Well, you’re about to be. Also, I will even give you the simple, easy skills you need to meet women anytime and anywhere. With this ebook, you will learn those TOO. I understand how it is, you are out with friends, and there “she” is. You want to meet her, and you want a simple plan of action to follow. I will give you that too. It is easy, and highly effective. Meeting women is NOT rocket science guys. I have learned every trick in the book, and saved only the ones that WORK. Become an attractive man by understanding the concepts I am about to outline in this book, and watch your success with women skyrocket. If I could use one word to describe the essence of these skills, it would be “autonomy”. An autonomous man is one who is self-governing and independent. He appreciates and enjoys others, and he is truly LIVING his own life. He selects who he spends time with socially, and he is pursuing his career with passion and determination. He sees challenges rather than problems. He is not immune to failure or pain, but he is willing to face these things and take responsibility for where he has gone wrong. Everything in life is seen as a positive experience. He is a source of positive emotions around his friends and loved-ones. He gives and receives love freely, and is willing to be vulnerable even if it means getting hurt. He understands how to communicate with people in such a way that is inviting and positive. He is willing to risk, and willing to risk being honest when it counts the most. He lives in his own reality, and is the sovereign over Introduction Page 

all of his decisions. In short, he is the kind of guy that women hope to meet their entire lives…he is a man, in the truest sense. These are the skills that this book describes, and that you can learn by applying the principles I discuss in each chapter. Wouldn’t you enjoy walking through life feeling the benefits of true autonomy, relying on nothing outside of yourself to bring you happiness? Imagine being the guy with his life in order, who has a vital social circle, a focused career path, a financial future, a stylish look, fully autonomous and happy who ALSO knows how to meet women comfortably through his social circle and with a smooth approach? This is the maximum edge in dating and relationships. You are about to be introduced to the seven skills necessary to attain this. So, I encourage you to read closely, and take on the challenge of internalizing these skills. You won’t be disappointed. As you read, I encourage you to really question yourself. “Does this describe me?” “Can I help myself in this area?” “Am I really meeting my goals?” “Am I satisfied in my relationships with women? With everyone?” “Am I truly happy?” The first two skills I cover focus on the internal aspects that lead to meaningful and lasting relationships. These two skills are challenging to cultivate, and take a little time to fully understand. I place them first because they are the most important. No one lives perfectly by these. I encourage you to make allowances for your own humanity, and relax into a process of learning. Having the expectation that I will “arrive” someday perfectly living by these skills is a certain way to sabotage the inevitable growth process. For this reason, I have suggested a number exercises at the end of each chapter to help cement the principles discussed. I suggest a journal for your responses to these exercises, and any additional notes or ideas that cross your mind. The final five chapters provide more tactical advice. However, elements from all chapters can be incorporated into your life TODAY. By trimming the fat, and only including what is VERIFIED to work, I have streamlined the process so that it is simple and swift for you. Like I said, this is THE book I wish that I had when I began this journey. A guide to both understanding the internal components to healthy relationships, and expert “how Introduction Page 

to” advice to meeting and dating beautiful women on MY terms – no more will you need to rely on luck and chance. This book is about empowering you with true choice. The first skill is in understanding the power of discovering your true purpose. Your purpose serves to direct and aim your life in a way that provides you with reliable and consistent power. It also helps to synthesize all of the elements we will discuss in chapters 2-. Mostly though, a man on a mission is extremely attractive to women. It becomes the truest gauge for her to know if you are a man of integrity or a child of empty promises. Let’s get started..

Introduction Page 

What Is Your Purpose? Page 

The first part of this book discusses the necessary components of a confident, secure, attractive inner life. Women are very sensitive to the energy or “vibe” that a man has. Without a solid and centered inner life, a man projects insecurity and fear to the world. Women can intuit this, and will screen him out of her romantic options. The second part of this book covers the external areas you need to get handled: engaging women in conversation; owning a stylish, attractive look; mastering flirting, teasing and storytelling; complimenting women; and living an attractive lifestyle. Let’s get started now with the first, and most critical idea you must grasp – what is your purpose? *

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Every man must have a purpose, what is yours? What is the one goal or aim which is currently focusing your energy in a specific direction? Perhaps it is financial freedom, or vitalizing your social life. Whatever it is, you need to identify it, focus on it, and devote your life to it. To be attractive to women, you need to know what your purpose is and move passionately toward its fulfillment. Aimless, uninspired men are less attractive and tend to be unhappy and single. In short, to have a purpose is to be secure. Let me explain… The ability to focus on a purpose is a fundamental, innate aspect of masculinity. Throughout history, men have taken on the roles of being Kings, Presidents, “breadwinners”, warriors, and spiritual leaders. While it is true that women seek out these roles, particularly in contemporary society, these are traditionally male positions. Being devoted to a purpose, focused on a goal, harmonizes a man’s energy, and therefore his actions, his lifestyle. This focus is the necessary taproot from which the remaining skills in this book will flow. The modern age is synonymous with chaotic activity and constant stimulation. Being surrounded by television, radio, internet, traffic, buildings, signs, noise etc. continually draws attention and focus away from your center, away from yourself. In the midst of this constant bombardment, it is easy and common to lose sight of the meaning and purpose of ones life. Without a specific focus and identified purpose, a man’s activities become decentralized and chaotic, resembling his environment. The male contribution to a relationship and family is one of support and security. The primary element that What Is Your Purpose? Page 

women unconsciously seek in men is their ability to provide security (to be discussed later). In order to fully provide this, a man MUST realize his purpose and work towards it with passion. This is the foundation of his security with himself. He must be centered in himself before he can supply this to a relationship. In Chinese medicinal philosophy, yang energy is male energy. The yang energy is one of concentration, focus and support. If we take the simple analogy of a plant, the root structure is the yang energy while the flowering, visible plant would be the yin. Being steady, supportive and nourishing are pure masculine traits. Having the habit of being devoted to ones purpose allows women to relax and be supported by men. This support allows the feminine to flower and flourish, realizing its own innate purpose. Women sense a man’s obedience to his aim, and can therefore trust him. For if a man cannot honor and attend to his deepest purpose, how can he honor and attend to her, or anything else? This trait is fundamental to harnessing a mature masculinity, and to being attractive. Women can intuitively sense this about the men in their lives. Having a magnetic, centered, focused purpose is critical to healthy relationships for men. This focus releases a depth of passionate energy as your life activities reorganize themselves around your purpose. You will find yourself less susceptible to time-wasting activities. This is a TREMENDOUS by-product to harnessing your life around an aim. Having acknowledged your life’s purpose, it will be easier to prioritize your activities. Also, the intelligence of your intuition will be audible, bringing you satisfaction when obey your instincts, and pain when you do not. You will grow to love the feeling of meaning and purpose, and when that feeling shifts off center, you will notice. A man’s instinct is like a finely tuned instrument, and when he lives devoted to a purpose, his music is poetic. When he drifts off course, his life lacks the harmony and power he needs. It is important in these moments to be aware of what you are doing, cease the activity, and move towards actions that can bring you closer to your purpose. Think of some of the most successful men in the world. Donald Trump is a great example. Can you imagine him spending his entire Sunday watching NFL football? Can What Is Your Purpose? Page 10

you see him killing time surfing the web? Of course not! He is devoted to his purpose, and focused on being successful. And when he isn’t working, he is enjoying the spoils of success and his gorgeous wife. Time is precious in the high stakes business world. Or, take an exceptional athlete like Tiger Woods. He is notorious for daily practices, workouts, and strict dieting all in the name of winning major championships. Notice he doesn’t necessarily concern himself with winning regular PGA tour events. He is focused on winning the major championships because he knows that is how greatness is measured in golf. Of course, if you are able to win major championships, you are also able to win regular tour events. Think Tiger has time to waste while he pursues this high-level of success? Donald Trump and Tiger Woods are extreme examples of focus and purpose. They illustrate effectively the highest level of focus, with maximum results. For most of us, these extremes are unrealistic. However, they do illustrate the importance of eliminating those activities which are not in harmony with your purpose and moving with passion towards a specific aim. I want to be clear about something: I am not suggesting that you become a machine, and lose all balance in your life. Do not, for example, allow your current relationships to suffer because you want to spend an extra hour in the office pursuing your goal of becoming CEO. However, if your current relationships are suffering because you refuse to stop hitting the bars during the week, then you have a problem. I propose that you maintain balance, while harnessing your energy around a goal or purpose, and eliminate needless, wasteful activity. In other words, don’t lose sight of the forest for the trees. Also, your purpose will change from time to time. You might spend 6 months getting your finances handled. Once this is attained, your purpose might change to enlarging your business or training for a marathon. You must be open to these shifts and changes in yourself, and honor yourself as you evolve. Your purpose is to be discovered, not decided. So, take a minute now and ask yourself, what is my life commanding of me? What is within the realm of my immediate control that is most urgent and necessary? What area of my life causes me the greatest What Is Your Purpose? Page 11

concern? What part of me causes me the greatest pain? What must you do in order to die complete? If you were to be told that your life would end in one year’s time, what would you be driven to do? (Can you see now that this book covers topics a bit more crucial than how to pick-up girls??) Take 5-10 minutes now and write down the responses to these questions. As you write, try to sense what it is that calls you to action NOW. A man always has a purpose, it is up to him to discover it, focus on it, and devise a plan of action to realize it in reality, IN HIS LIFE. Go for it, and write these responses now. Now, I want you to write down your specific purpose as a declaration. It may seem cheesy, but trust me, it is necessary! Here are some examples: I am devoted to increasing the scope of my social circle. I desire more sophisticated, intelligent, attractive people to spend time with and enlarge my social life. I am focused on finishing the New York Marathon this year. I love fitness, and love the discipline that training for a race gives my life. I will train 6 times per week, and I will finish the race in under 5 hours. My aim is to learn to manage my money. I will read “XXX” and take John Doe’s seminar on money management in New York next month. I will pay myself first with all deposits, and will learn to invest the money I am saving. These are examples to follow when putting pen to paper and writing down your purpose. Even if you don’t know, or feel unclear, take a few days and “test drive” the first idea that comes to mind. After a few days, you will know if there is any truth to it or not. Take a couple of minutes now and write this down. If you are still struggling with knowing your purpose, make discovering it your purpose. In other words, focus on discovering your purpose. Try some on for a while, explore things which have always interested you. Being open in the face of not knowing is the beginning of truly knowing. Making knowing your purpose your aim can be very powerful. What Is Your Purpose? Page 12

Remember, having a purpose is the key to unlocking a fullest capacity of masculine energy within you. As you write this down, you should experience a rush of energy and feeling into you. You might also have the experience of no longer having an interest in certain activities. This is GOOD. As you increase focus, your time will reorganize around the clear priorities you are now identifying. Wasteful activities will bring dissatisfaction, signaling you to shift into actions more in-line with your purpose. Want attractive, healthy women in your world? Then you must be willing to live fully, and build a positive relationship with yourself first. Not until we have embraced the journey of personal evolution and balance can we sincerely, and honestly, interact with another. This era is not encouraging to the growth of masculinity. As men, we have to work for our development and evolution. Masculinity is traditionally stereotyped as “aggression” and “hostility”. In truth, real men are assertive, focused, direct, honest, balanced, flexible, loving and supportive. Become a warrior, yes, but go to war with your own negativity and bad habits. In later chapters I cover in detail the essential communication skills like flirting, storytelling, teasing. I also go over how to discover and maximize your look so that you present yourself visually with power and dignity to the world. We will cover everything you need to know in order to begin meeting women TODAY. For now though, it is important that you master the inner game FIRST. If you want to be attractive to women, you need to contact, harness and release the power within you. Being focused on a purpose is the most important element in realizing your potential masculinity. This single action may be the most critical step you take in becoming attractive. Women are attracted to men. Maximize your masculinity, realize your potential, and watch as your lifestyle and relationships transform. Now that you have a clear purpose written down in your journals, let’s develop a plan of action to turn these powerful words into reality. Ask yourself now, how long do I need to fulfill this purpose? Then work backwards. Affix your target goal and date, and then work in reverse, returning to today’s date. Assuming the goal of training for What Is Your Purpose? Page 13

a marathon, it might resemble this: I am focused on finishing the New York Marathon this year. I love fitness, and love the discipline that training for a race gives my life. I will train 6 times per week, and I will finish the race in under 5 hours.

November 5th October 5th September 5th August 5th July 5th June 5th May 5th

Timetable Run the NYC Marathon in under 5 hours Reduce time to under 5 hours 6 hr run Full marathon training Focused weights, CV work, speed training Base training – run the full 26.2 miles Upgrade gear, increase base training by 3 miles per week up to 26.2 by end of June

This is only an example. If you are training for a marathon, be sure to consult a trainer to determine your exercise regimen! However, this is how your action plan should look on the page. Now, within each header, break it down into specific weekly goals. You might find that you need more time to reach your goals. That is OK. Be sure to push yourself, but never sabotage your work with unrealistic goals and expectations. Spend about 10 minutes and turn these monthly goals into weekly goals now. Good job, we are nearly done. Since you now have a goal to reach by the end of this week, map out the week to come and write down a to-do list of actions that need completion. Some of these might involve other people. Be sure to let them know when you need actions completed. Being clear and direct is a masculine trait, waiting for others and growing resentful is irresponsible and childish. So, clarify your needs and expectations with others. Go ahead and finish this exercise by writing down your action items for this week. Having and maintaining a strong focus in life requires discipline. One could say that this is where we separate the men from the boys. Any worthwhile goal demands consistent attention. If you find yourself losing interest in a couple of weeks, or months, What Is Your Purpose? Page 14

it could indicate that you need to dig deeper internally. It is possible that you selected a purpose that wasn’t your TRUE purpose. Going deeper might bring you in touch with a truer mission. However, waning interest usually indicates that you are reaching your threshold for discipline. This is when you exercise your will, and forge ahead regardless of how you feel. You might be wondering, “Hey, I bought this book to meet more women, be more successful with dating, and get a girlfriend! I am not going to spend my free time training for a marathon!” This is a valid question, so it is important that I clarify this before we move on. Being balanced and whole needs to be constant, and should never be sacrificed for any single purpose. Anything that you devote yourself to is done to enhance the meaning and depth of your life. “Be your healthiest self always”, I say. If your purpose is to move to the west coast, organize your activities so you have the appropriate amount of time and space each day to fulfill the necessary actions to meet this goal. If your purpose is to meet more women, be sure to budget time each week to head out and socialize. I am not proposing that your purpose consume your life. It should rather enhance and enlarge your life. When it throws you out of balance, the positive energy released from being focused and centered is thrown into chaos. This is the fine line between purpose and obsession. Also, if your purpose is to run a marathon (for example), this is not meant to reduce your social life to rubble. Having focus and being centered in ones masculinity automatically enhances your attractiveness in the world. You will find that women treat you differently when you are truly living with passion and focus. You will be less needy and clingy, as that is a result of being out of balance. You will be more magnetic, and will have more presence with others. Never sacrifice the balance of dating, health, career, finance, home, family, social circle, or hobbies for any one area. It is fine to expand, and increase activity in one area, but never at the expense of another. What should be discarded is wasteful activity. Challenge yourself to let go of laziness, turn off your TV, stop spending idle time surfing the web, give up smoking, stop gossiping etc. These are ways to increase the time you have available to create space for training for the marathon, working an extra job to help manage your finances, learning holistic What Is Your Purpose? Page 15

cooking, meeting more women, expanding your cultural awareness (museums, theater, film etc.), or expanding a hobby such as photography or painting. By expanding our lives, while maintaining balance, we enhance our inherent “maleness”. We snap to attention in the face of a challenge, and refuse to allow our per ceived limits to rule us. Minor events no longer summon emotional reactions in us, but are simply handled and pushed through. Importantly, we no longer seek validation or approval from the outside world (women, for example) as we have located the source of happiness within us. We can feel each day as an opportunity to evolve, helping us each feel connected and valuable. Interestingly, this seems to be precisely when “she” crosses our path…

Chapter I What is Your Purpose? Summary Points What is your purpose? Write it down, and refer to it daily. Is your purpose to help yourself, or others? The more your life is centered on helping other people, the more attractive you will be. Schedule your success: be specific about the steps necessary to achieve your purpose. Write these steps down, and allow that to determine your daily to-do list. Success doesn’t just “happen”, it must be scheduled.

What Is Your Purpose? Page 16

Positive Emotions = Positive Relationships Page 17

If you are able to commit to the exercise at the end of Chapter I, you will find your daily activities changing dramatically. The greatest result from contacting and harnessing this energy is the influx of positive emotions into our lives. Healthy relationships thrive on a consistent diet of positive emotions. What are some of these positive emotions?:

• Love • Purpose • Affection • Joy • Intimacy • Balance • Connection • Happiness

Of course, no life or relationship is perfectly filled with positive emotions. Every couple has challenges to overcome, to build and create greater intimacy. However, a healthy relationship will consistently reflect one or more of the above. Now, ask yourself what activities or actions do you participate in on a daily basis that provide you a healthy portion of these positive emotions? For most men, it is very few. Often, our lives spin out of control on a daily basis and feel “not our own”. We often feel stuck, or imprisoned by our so-called lifestyle, spending most hours struggling to maintain the status quo. This takes the shape of hours focused on a day-job (rather than a career), or wasting time with unhelpful activities such as: hitting the bars, watching hours of TV, fantasizing with pornography, isolating with the internet etc. By refusing to take responsibility for our own happiness, our emotional spectrum is driven into mediocrity by playing the role of the victim. The consistent presence of negative emotions in our lives is ONLY possible if we accept the role of victim. If you are continually lonely (for example), and choose to do nothing about it, you have accepted the role of the victim. Observe the irony in the lonely person isolating himself at home. The fact is, you CAN do something about ANYTHING unacceptable and/or mediocre in your life. In order to snap out of this Positive Emotions = Positive Relationships Page 18

unhealthy psychology, we must accept responsibility and activate in the direction of the desired change. The victim blames everyone and everything outside of himself for his unfortunate lot, only justifying his own laziness and unwillingness to take responsibility for his own life. People fear responsibility because with it come: challenge, work, patience, success, failure etc. Oddly, many people choose to avoid responsibility and challenge to protect the ego, and remain huddled in the valleys of life. It is very easy to be drawn into the vortex of negativity, and it takes hard work to pull ourselves out. Do you think playing the victim is attractive? This is unfortunate, but a fact of human nature. Here is a sampling of the negative emotions commonly found with contemporary men (and women too):

• Meaninglessness • Resentment • Anger • Jealousy • Spite • Hatred • Isolation • Righteousness • Fear

These are just a few. Sound familiar? Fear is last on the list, but first in importance. Unchecked, it can govern entire lives. Connecting with your purpose is the first and most radical step to unclogging the power of fear in your daily life. Now, understand the following principle, and you will cease not knowing why you are less than successful with women:

“My inner world creates my outer world” Ever hear of Feng Shui? In the modern age, it has become an interior decorator’s catch phrase. However, in ancient times, it used to be a way of seeing into the inner world of Positive Emotions = Positive Relationships Page 19

a person. By simply observing a man’s environment, how he arranged it and how he lived within it, one could perfectly witness the condition of his inner life. Look around you now. Is your bed made? Is your desk overflowing with paper? Does your bedroom look like a tornado hit? Are the dishes clean? Women have a very simple equation for the men that come into their lives. She assesses your world, so your: job, career, health, fitness, social life, home, finances, personal style, family and extracurricular activities. From this, she is able to tell how you will relate to her. How a man lives is how a man loves. So, if these areas of your life are a wreck, she will not waste her time with you. Why should she? You have demonstrated through your relationship with your life that you aren’t able to commit, and give yourself to anything. If I told you an attractive woman were coming to your house in 10 minutes, would you be frantically cleaning every corner free of dust, or would you be relaxing on the sofa, calmly sipping a cup of tea? Your inner world creates your outer world. Therefore, a person can subconsciously see your inner life by observing your outer life. This is precisely why we work with guys on harnessing an empowering lifestyle and look. By working both internally and externally, we emphasize power and confidence in both worlds – helping them become permanent fixtures in your life. If you believe that you deserve success, you will create success. If you believe you deserve beautiful women, you will find and attract beautiful women. If your emotional life is filled with anger, resentment, jealousy, guilt etc, your outer world will be lonely, isolated, hostile and meaningless. Take a look at your body language. This is perhaps the clearest indicator of your inner emotional life. If your posture is collapsed, frightened and defensive, this IS the impression you will create on others. If it is confident, upright and bold, this now becomes the impression you create on others. People intuitively look at ones body language to understand their internal emotional life. Look at yours now, even as you sit and read this book. What does it say about you? You can bet it is a direct mirror into your inner, emotional reality. The first step in reversing this horrible pattern is to specify your purpose. Assuming Positive Emotions = Positive Relationships Page 20

you have done that in Chapter I, how do we now maintain balance while also bringing positive, empowering emotions into our lives? Then, how can we share these with the world, enhancing attractiveness and inviting positive, healthy people into our social circle? The secret is in taking charge of the emotional content of your life. You won’t be able to change the feelings you experience on a moment by moment basis, but you can take steps to both increase the flow of positive emotions, and as well to reduce the power of negative emotions. Being at prey to outside influences is also known as seeking external validation. What we are looking for is the ability to be validated internally. In this case, you become the pilot of your own happiness, becoming a source of positive emotions to others. Men who can supply positive emotions to women, who are validated and happy internally, are the ones who have successful dating lives and relationships. Men who unconsciously demand positive emotions from women rarely have dating success and healthy relationships. There are three levels to reversing the trend of seeking external validation to being internally validated, seeking to GIVE positive emotions to all people in your life. Level I: I seek validation from the world, causing me to be at its mercy. When the girl likes me, I am happy. When she doesn’t, I feel like a failure. I continually find myself being the victim of my life. I lack power and motivation, as each day I compromise my spirit for the comfort and safety of staying small. Level II: I typically feel happy in my life, and would label everything “satisfactory”. I have a positive attitude, and have a pretty vital social circle. People don’t tend to notice me, but I also don’t need them to notice me – I am happy either way. My childhood dreams certainly aren’t coming true, but I am an adult now and life is hard. Overall, I am doing pretty well, and feel generally happy most of the time. Level III: Regardless of how I feel, I know I am aligned with my purpose and aim in life. I feel a sense of meaning in all that I do, and if that sense is not present – I take stock of the activity and delete it from my life. My relationships are positive, as I feel free to give love to the people in my world. They are magnetized to me as a result. All that I need is within me, and my purpose is to share my positive outlook and lifestyle Positive Emotions = Positive Relationships Page 21

with the people in my life. Most men fall somewhere between Levels I & II. Where are you? Would you agree that each of you has a definite, valuable, gift to give the world? Can we assume that the giving of this gift is connected with your purpose? Lastly, can we agree that the refusal (on any level) to give this gift in each and every moment is truly selfish? It might surprise you, but playing the victim in life is the ultimate act of selfishness. Each of us has an opportunity to give, and yet we refuse, and prefer to stay small and safe within ourselves. One might not play the victim all of the time, but most have this annoying little habit in some areas. This is the precise area then where you must work. You might take a look at the purpose you discovered in Chapter I. Is it all about you? Are you seeking to attain or gain something from the successful completion of this aim? If so, don’t change the aim. No. But do see if there is a different attitude to take with it which might make it of service to others. For example, if my purpose was to “attain financial freedom”, there are numerous reasons why I chose this. Here are two, very different, examples: I desire financial freedom so that I may finally do what I want, when I want to do it. I will no longer work for a boss, nor will I answer to anyone. I will be the master of my life. OR I desire financial freedom so that I may have the time to pursue the passions that exist within me. I will be able to spend more time with my family, friends and loved ones, as well as serve humanity with my time and wealth. See the difference? This is the classic case of the “jerk” vs the “cool guy”. The jerk knows what he wants, and has a take-no-prisoners attitude towards that aim. This is temporarily attractive, but eventually people (women, for example) are turned away by his overwhelming selfishness, and disregard for the welfare of others. The cool guy Positive Emotions = Positive Relationships Page 22

also focuses on a specific goal, but tempers his own negative selfish side by making himself of service to others. His world stops being about him, and starts enlarging to involve the worlds of others. Now, even if we outline our clear purpose, and begin focusing our daily activities on attaining this goal, we are still certainly prey to anger, jealousy, envy, resentment etc. What are we to do then? The first and most important thing you must do, and some therapists out there are going to cry out “criminal!”, is to NOT express any negative emotions in the world. That’s right – the ability to NOT express any negative emotions is the hallmark of a Level III man, one who does not need validation from the world. Second, if you do feel a negative emotion, you must learn to see it as information. For example, perhaps you and a date are at a party, and you notice her having a nice conversation with a man across the room. He is blatantly hitting on her. She seems mildly uncomfortable, but is being “nice” as that is the socially acceptable thing to do. What do you do? Level I: Sulk angrily in the corner, throwing back the booze as quickly as possible. This guy doesn’t express anger because he is so bottled up that he wouldn’t have the faintest idea how to express an emotion. “Once again, life fooled me into thinking I had a chance”, he thinks. After this drink, he heads for the exit. “Fine, if she wants that jerk, she can have him.” Level II: You certainly notice her having a fun time with the guy, but you really don’t care. You are also having fun with your friends. If you were hooked up to a heart monitor, you would see that your heart rate never increased even when you saw the guy clinking glasses with your date. “Aah, it’s nothing” you think. You passively hang back, chatting with the boys. Never once do you think there is anything you could “do” about it. Level III: You notice her, and feel the pangs of jealousy and anger. However, you have been here before and decide not to play the victim this time. You slowly stroll up, put your arms around you date, smile at her and hold her gaze a bit longer than Positive Emotions = Positive Relationships Page 23

you normally would – giving her affection and presence. By now, the anger has subsided. You are into action. You then hold your hand out and introduce yourself to the guy, “I am Stephen” you say. He shakes your hand, introducing himself to you. You look back at your date, and take charge of the situation and environment. “I was just out on the patio, watching the sunset with James and Allison. Have you been out there yet? You must see it before the light is completely gone. Excuse us, it was nice meeting you.” You take her by the hand and smoothly lead her away from the situation. Most guys are somewhere in between Level I & Level II. They dimly realize that there is something they can do about the mediocrity of their lives, but their solution tends to be in refusing or passively accepting their situation rather than taking action and making changes. Acceptance is important, but accepting your life does not also imply that you are a victim. The victim’s posture always leads to anger, hostility and resentment. These are three of the most seductive and powerful negative emotions in the range of human feeling. With each negative emotion, you have a choice. Either accept it, take no action and force yourself to “live with it” or accept it, take massive action, and slowly dig yourself out of the current pattern of feelings into a new pattern. Each man’s reality permits him a certain scope of feelings. By accepting the current reality, you also accept the emotional patterns that accompany that reality. In order to change the consistent emotions (internal) you feel, you MUST take action in creating a new reality (external) for yourself. If you want the emotions which accompany success with women, you will have to devote yourself to consistent and persistent effort in that direction. Guys who lack success with women tend to lack success in life. It usually takes a lot of time to snap out of the current patterns you lead and change into new ones. Deliberate, diligent, strenuous effort on a daily basis is the only way to improve your level, and change to a healthier pattern of feeling. To feel the power and freedom which comes from living your purpose will require you to work, and work very hard. You will find that as you devote yourself more to an attitude of service, challenging your own selfishness, you will slowly change the Positive Emotions = Positive Relationships Page 24

emotional states you consistently experience. Here is where you find yourself living in Level III, feeling the happiness that comes from the positive emotions you now experience full-time. Also, with any negative emotions, you intuitively understand how to accept them, and take responsibility for changing them. You must fulfill yourself first. If you find your life somehow unsatisfying or unfulfilling, that last thing you need is a woman. In fact, a quality woman will smell your neediness a mile away and won’t have anything to do with you romantically – period. This is the precise reason why there are so many quality yet single guys in our culture. They are desperate for companionship. This desperation fills their life and interactions with negative emotions. Why would someone choose to be in your world under these conditions? If your goal is fulfillment, success and beauty, you must learn how to give that to yourself first. Following that, you will have no trouble finding it outside of you. Men who feel complete, and do not seek approval from women do not have difficulty in their pursuit of companionship. Why? Because they are attractive already…the women pursue them. Sound nice to you? Would you like to stop chasing and be chased?

EXERCISE Let’s start by taking a close look at the last 24 hours of your life. First, write down the activities you were involved in and the actions you took. Next to that list, I want you to write out the emotions felt in each experience. What we are looking for are patterns of behaviors and feelings. This is the first step. Here is an example:

Activity or Event Woke up Showered Dressed

Emotions experienced Groggy, depressed, tired Anger at the upcoming day, refreshed, more energy Acceptance of the activities ahead, felt good in clean/pressed suit Positive Emotions = Positive Relationships Page 25

Activity or Event Made breakfast

Drove car to work Arrived, logged-in to my computer – 50 new emails

Emotions experienced Felt good that I was eating a healthy breakfast, also love fruit & oatmeal which was satisfying. Tense, anxious, and angry at the traffic. Felt overwhelmed at the tasks in front of me, but organized myself and felt that change to being empowered and energized.

Using the above example, go ahead and create a similar chart in your journals. Treat this like a “Survey of Emotions”. As you go through this exercise, ask yourself: Does this same scenario play itself out on a daily basis? Are there emotional patterns here? You are looking to pinpoint patterns of both positive and negative emotions. Also, for any unique events or activities you participated in, how did you handle the newness, challenge or change involved? Were there things you could have done along the way which could help you feel more empowered, positive and confident? Go ahead and create your chart, and follow it up with a brief paragraph or two answering the above questions. Next, I want you to create another, similar chart but which focuses on what you could have done differently. By doing part one of this exercise, we can see that there are patterns of behavior which we cannot change (for now). For example, if you have a “day job”, you might not be leaving that anytime soon. However, within your daily grind at work, you might be able to take more breaks, eat a healthier lunch, or go to the gym in order to help you physically feel more vital and stronger. Also, even if we have negative reactions to certain events, we can always adjust our attitude to accept the current conditions and at least handle these things with a positive, upbeat attitude. Here is how the example from above might look in part two of this exercise: Activity or Event Woke up Did 10 minutes of yoga

Emotions experienced Groggy, depressed, tired Felt stronger, more awake and refreshed Positive Emotions = Positive Relationships Page 26

Activity or Event Showered

Emotions experienced Frustration and acceptance at the upcoming day, refreshed, more energy Dressed Acceptance of the activities ahead, felt good in clean/pressed suit, threw on my favorite cologne. Made breakfast Felt good that I was eating a healthy breakfast, also love fruit & oatmeal which was satisfying. Grabbed the internet marketing CDs to Felt empowered as I am learning a new listen to on the way to work skill, to help me phase into my own, home-run business Drove car to work A bit tense, but also happy it was slow – gave me more time to digest the marketing CDs. Arrived, logged-in to my computer – 50 Felt overwhelmed at the tasks in front of new emails me, but organized myself and felt that change to being empowered and energized. After an hour at my desk, took a 5-minute Pressure dropped a bit, got some air and break and went outside to walk around oxygen, the bs from the office didn’t matthe building ter as much

See the difference? The second example illustrates a man who is both living his current life AND making preparations to move to a more positive, healthy, independent reality in the near future. So, take 5 minutes and write this new survey now. The final step to this exercise will help you design some changes to your daily life going forward. Even if you are happy 99% of the time, you can still work to resolve that lingering 1%! So, given your discoveries from part 1 & 2, I want you to develop three new habits which can help you break the old patterns and create new, more positive ones. Using the example above, here are three ideas: 1) Take a 5-minute break each hour to break up the monotony of sitting at my desk all day. Also, it will help me get some perspective on the activities alleviating pressure. Positive Emotions = Positive Relationships Page 27

2) I will do 10 minutes of yoga in the morning (or meditation – alternate each day). This will help reverse my early morning doldrums and help me start my day with a better, more positive attitude. 3) I will give an hour a day to developing my internet marketing skills. This will enable me to set up a website offering my consulting service, which I now want to do full-time. Go ahead and do this now. If you feel that three is too ambitious, that is fine. But, don’t go for more than three. Doing too many will serve to sabotage your efforts going forward. Keep it reasonable. In 3 months, you can add more. Lastly, there are few tips I want to give you that will help you sustain a positive outlook and attitude on life. It is common that we slip up and get sloppy with certain areas of our life. I want to point out some of these to help you from getting bitten by these down the road. Anytime we lost sight of our daily responsibilities, we are inviting trouble in the future. And when that trouble comes, it can have a definite impact on our energy and mood. Here we go:

Finances

5 Keys to Maintaining a Positive Attitude Be sure you are managing your money, and stay within your budget. The struggle for wealth and financial freedom is a real one. By managing your money, and staying on top of your finances, you remove a tremendous amount of daily stress from your life. Nothing kills a good positive vibe like a call from a creditor, or the landlord…

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Fitness

Family

5 Keys to Maintaining a Positive Attitude Get in, and stay in, shape! It is well documented that people who work out have a more positive outlook on life. When the body feels healthy and strong, the mind and feelings tend to follow. Also, being in better shape naturally makes you more physically attractive. You cannot lose by being in great shape. How are your family relationships? Are you in good standing with your mother and father? Many people are not, which adds a layer of stress and anxiety in their lives. I suggest strengthening these relationships, as they fortify your emotional foundation.

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Home

5 Keys to Maintaining a Positive Attitude Is your home clean? Do you leave the house with dirty dishes in the morning? This may seem unimportant and obscure, but if you act like a man the world will begin to treat you like one. If you have the money, invest in some better furniture, or have your apartment cleaned regularly. If you don’t, you’ll have to do it yourself. Remember the example I described above? Where the guy brought his date back to his place only to find it was messy and uncomfortable? Do you want this to be you? Also, have some fun things lying around that guests can participate in. A friend of mine used to have a chalk table, where visitors could sign their names. Another friend used to have a photo cube with pictures of himself as a baby. This is always great to show women, as they instantly feel more comfort and connection with you if they see you as an infant! The idea here is to be responsible, and create an environment that is both comfortable and inviting.

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Chapter II Positive Emotions = Positive Relationships Summary Points What activities or actions do you participate in on a daily basis that provide you a healthy portion of positive emotions? Identify the areas in your life where you play the victim. Commit to taking responsibility in this area. Plan this success by developing action plans to take charge of your outer life. Notice the presence of negative emotions throughout your day. Again, take actions to diminish their power over you. Taking charge of your outer world, and committing to a life of empowerment and positive emotions is both attractive, and masculine.

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Bringing Her Into Your World Page 32

Quiz time: What is the better date idea? 1) Take her out for dinner and a movie 2) Take her to a funeral 3) Take her shopping with you, to help you pick out clothes for an event; then to a cool lounge to join some friends of yours for a drink 4) Coffee 5) Show her your stamp collection The answer should be obvious, based on how many words I put into each answer! Of course, it is number three. A lot of guys pick number one or four because they are the standard date ideas. There is nothing essentially wrong with either, but if you want to differentiate yourself from the other guys, the third option is the way to go. Not only is it more interesting, but it illuminates part of your world to her. A relationship is the sharing of two independent worlds by two independent people. Doesn’t it then make sense that, even on a first date, we would want to begin the process of sharing these worlds? Socially, men are asked to take the lead on most (if not all) areas in dating. The most empowering and healthy way of leading a woman is to invite her into your world. I could easily title this chapter “Dating”, but that would not directly pinpoint the SKILL that I want you to understand. So, just know that this skill is very applicable when it comes to understanding dating, what makes a good date, and how to approach a date from the standpoint of leading a conversation. The idea of bringing a woman into your world is something I observed naturals doing a long time ago, but had no context to understand it. Since I have studied male-female dynamics, I can see now why this is so important and useful. Think about it for a second. If your life is a fascinating and passionate place for you, doesn’t it make sense to involve someone you like into that energy? If your world is filled with positive emotions, when you bring a woman into it, she will see that your Bringing Her Into Your World Page 33

lifestyle is attractive. You cease having to worry about what to do or say, simply because your life says many positive things about you! Your world speaks on your behalf, which is much more powerful than you saying it over coffee at a Starbuck’s. This is the main reason I believe that the biggest problem most guys face when looking at their dating life is the absence of any real purpose, passion and people in their world. These are the three P’s to building an attractive lifestyle:

• Purpose



• Passion



• People

We covered Purpose in detail in Chapter I. Having a purpose to your life brings you out of the doldrums of a repetitive, self-centered life and into a more positive, exciting, service-based existence. When we connect with our purpose, we no longer feel we are a prisoner, but instead feel freed by hope and power. Passion can be defined as pursuing your purpose with a positive attitude and a strong drive of energy. We covered this to some extent in Chapter II. As your purpose becomes clearer, you will find that you are only willing to participate in activities that have a personal meaning for you. Perhaps your purpose is to build wealth. You might find yourself stopping playing so much golf on the weekends, and instead taking marketing seminars to help your new business. What you will find is that by harnessing the power of your aim, you will increase productivity in your life by only participating in these meaningful activities. Also, you will be able to change negative patterns which only yield negative emotions. These actions are tremendously empowering. This naturally unlocks a positive, passionate energy that motivates you to push forward in every area of your life. People can be defined as having a social circle that is active, nurturing and outgoing. A vital social circle tends not to stay in all night watching TV. I encourage guys to develop friendships that help them enter the world. Positive relationships are those that magnify positive emotions. Being outgoing and involved in the world yields a treBringing Her Into Your World Page 34

mendous amount of positive emotion. Also, by being involved in activities that have a personal meaning to you, you will naturally meet people with similar interests. This helps you to cultivate and grow your social circle of friends. If your social circle seems to be in a rut, take the lead and jazz things up. Organize an outing – go play Lazer Tag for example. Or, throw a party by making up a fun, ridiculous excuse to do so! Use your imagination, be creative, and have fun. This helps cultivate a healthy, outgoing social life, which naturally helps you meet more women! I will fully discuss the value of an active social circle in the next chapter. If you can create a vital lifestyle that is interesting and meaningful you will have much more going for you than most other guys. In addition, you will have a myriad of date ideas that are different and personal. This is a winning combination. Let’s get into a bit of the philosophy of this a bit. Many women, when on a date with a guy, are screening him to see if this is a man who can provide security for them. This is an automatic and biological screen that woman filter men through when dating. Why are some women attracted to wealthy men? Because it indicates that the man is able to provide financial security. He is a provider, and this is attractive to many women. Of course, this does not necessarily mean that he can provide emotional security. But, having wealth is very attractive for this reason. Or, perhaps you have seen ridiculously attractive women dating men stacked with muscles. Why is this? Well, the women might tell you that they are “attracted to hunky, muscle men.” This is certainly true, but on an instinctual, biological level, strong, muscular men attract women who need physical security. Very attractive women are sought after for their bodies. They are hit-on by men, and are seen as desirous by men simply for their physical beauty. A strong, muscular man is seen as someone who can “protect them”, allowing them to relax and be comfortable. A physically strong man is therefore attractive to these women. Security is an innate need that women seek from men. You might not be able to provide physical or financial security. What you, and any other guy out there, CAN provide is emotional security. By identifying and focusing on your purpose, and by nurturing the development of positive emotions over negative emotions in your life, you take two mighty steps towards becoming a secure, autonomous man. Now that you Bringing Her Into Your World Page 35

have a lifestyle which is healthy and positive, the only real strategy you need for attracting women who compliment your personality is to bring them into this attractive world. If your life is chaotic, disorganized, lacking purpose and direction, women will unconsciously see you as a man who cannot provide security. Why? If you can not take care of yourself, how could you ever help grow a nurturing and loving relationship or family? However, if you are able to fill your life with positive emotions, and build a meaningful lifestyle that has direction, you will be successful, and happy. This communicates the ability to provide security to a woman. You can’t provide something to someone, or to a relationship, if you can’t first give it to yourself. You must be secure with yourself first, and demonstrate that through your image, personality and lifestyle. Also, the inability to manage one’s external life is a direct look into one’s internal life. If your outer life is filled with negativity, it is very likely that your inner life is too. Guess what: This Is Unattractive. If your outer world is filled with positive emotions, and enjoyable experiences, your inner world will be too. If you are content and connect with the world with a positive attitude, any and everything that comes your way will automatically be attached with positive emotions for you and those related to you. This makes the concept of bringing her into your world so powerful, because by doing so you are able to strengthen the attraction she already feels for you by revealing that you are a man who can provide positive emotions, a healthy lifestyle, and the all-important security. OK, let’s step away briefly from philosophy, and discuss how this actually looks in real life. Let’s return to our dating example from earlier in the chapter. Why is option three from earlier in the chapter so effective (taking her shopping with you, to pick out clothes for an event; then off to a lounge to join some friends)? Because you are bringing her into your world, and it is a world that is filled with positive emotions like joy, humor, fellowship, camaraderie etc. Not only will she have a great time while with you, she will also see that you, your friends, and your activities are fun. After experiencing this, don’t you think she will want to see you again? Of course! Bringing Her Into Your World Page 36

A lot of guys have trouble on the phone. They get flustered when they cannot see the girl, and read her facial expressions and body language. I used to feel this way, until I started relying on one simple rule – bring her into my world. My life is a positive and interesting place. So, when I am talking with a woman on the phone, I simply describe to her all of the positive and interesting things going on around me. I might describe something funny I heard earlier in the day, I might talk about a project we just completed at work and how happy we all are, or I might simply describe to her exactly what I see in front of me as I walk home – describing my world in an imaginative and interesting way. By doing this, you connect positive emotions and experiences to her calling you, which naturally increases her interest in you. Make sense? Here’s an example from a recent call I took from a girl: Her: Hey Stephen it’s Natalie, what’s up? Me: Hey, good to hear from you. I am walking through Union Square, God it’s gorgeous out. Just saw the Capoeira guys performing in the park. Those guys are amazing. Am off to a party in Tribeca with some friends. They just moved into a loft on Duane Street – the realtor told them it was haunted when they moved in…but they are fearless. Imagine that – haunted? Wow. Her: Haunted? From what? What kind of party is it? Me: Just a dinner party. Apparently there used to be a factory crew working in there, and the place went up in smoke – like a hundred years ago. So, legend has it, the place is haunted. I was thinking of running around and turning the lights off and on all night. My friend Samantha is totally freaked, and she would kill me if I messed with her like that. Perhaps I will be good to her though…what are you up to? See how I instantly take her into a tour of my world? I live an interesting life, so “material” or, “what do I say?” is a non-issue. All I have to do is reveal to her the honest, true facts of my daily life. So many guys either have nothing interesting going on, or demonstrate a lack of passion and spontaneity by not revealing their lives to others. In the above example, I also indirectly show her that I have a vital social circle, which includes women (notice how I don’t clarify who Samantha is – friend or date?), and that I have cool parties to attend on the weekend. Her interest increases dramatically Bringing Her Into Your World Page 37

because I clearly have an interesting life, which now makes me more attractive. We get a lot of questions from guys asking for good date ideas. Any date idea that involves positive, fun experiences combined with it being on your turf, and in your world, are all great ideas. One caveat is, if after 3-4 dates, if she is not trying to arrange time with you to show you her world and life, she is probably losing interest in you. But, the first few dates should be about you revealing the powerful, fulfilling life you live to her in an intelligent way. You don’t want to take a girl on a first date to a prewedding dinner for your best friend from college. Can you see how uncomfortable that might make her, and you? On a first date, you need to spend time with her, alone, so that she can feel comfortable with you by getting to know you. Better to take her first to a great gallery opening for example. Here, you can begin to get comfortable around each other, able to always discuss the art exhibit for conversation. Then, after this time together, you take her to a cool lounge or bar where they read great poetry all night. It just so happens everyone knows you there, because it is one of your favorite places. How nice it is that some of your friends are at the poetry reading, showing the woman another aspect of who you are as you kid around with your friends. This reveals what a great guy you are, and the kinds of interesting activities you pursue. I hope you can see how this works, and how valuable this can be when meeting and dating women. Let this be your plan going forward, because a guy without a plan needs a lot of luck and tends to spend a lot of weekends alone. A guy with a plan can relax in knowing that his activities and his lifestyle will do a lot of the work for him by revealing his personality in a powerful and positive way. Here are some other great first date ideas:

1) Take her to an arcade. Pay for the video games, but play the last one to see who pays for coffee and dessert. Then, head off to your favorite ice cream shop, which has the best ice cream in town.



2) Grab some takeout from a unique spot (that you KNOW is good), then take her to a secluded public spot which only you know about. Here, you have dinner, and enjoy the atmosphere. In New York, we have “The Frying Pan” which is an Bringing Her Into Your World Page 38

old boat permanently docked on the west side. Most guys don’t know it is public, and fully equipped with tables. See the romance potential here?

3) Take her to the cool stores in town, and try on different looks. Bring your digital camera along, and assume funny poses in each costume. Then, head off for an inexpensive dinner at your favorite restaurant. It just so happens that you know the entire staff there, as you frequent the place. You get extra special service, because you are a regular.

See the themes here? You are bringing her into your world, which is an entertaining, exciting and interesting place. You steer clear of convention, and instead show her a more personal side of you – your favorite restaurant, location, ice cream shop etc. By doing this, you reveal so much to her about yourself, and demonstrate real thought in planning your evening together. This goes a long way to creating an attractive and lasting impression on her. By now you may have realized that a principle at play here is “leadership”. Being the leader of my own life naturally teaches me how to lead others. With women, the idea is to lead my own life, and then invite them INTO it. In conversation, you might lead by telling stories eliciting questions from her. This would enable you to understand what her interests are, and if they mesh with yours (this is FAR more effective than asking numerous questions). In dating, you might lead her into your world by arranging for a dinner at your favorite local “gem” of a restaurant, followed by a stroll through the streets as you point out various historical events that have happened in the neighborhood, followed by some time in the best dessert spot in town. In a relationship, you can lead her into your world by revealing your own shortcomings, vulnerabilities, and hopes. In all cases, when you do this, you invite the SAME from her. Guys, I can’t tell you how supremely important this skill is. Its effects reach far and wide, into many areas of your life and relationships. So, let’s summarize what we have covered in the first three chapters. What is being described is a three-step process: 1) Find your purpose, and begin to LIVE it; 2) Fill your life with positive emotions, and refuse to allow negativity any space Bringing Her Into Your World Page 39

in your world; 3) Bring women that interest you INTO that world, allowing your life to reveal how successful and happy you are. If you are able to successfully incorporate these three skills into your life, you will likely never need to approach a woman again – they will be doing everything possible to get into your life and your world! By focusing on these areas, and by becoming naturally attractive, you will create more joy and abundance in your world…a great by-product, wouldn’t you say?

EXERCISE Now that you know your purpose, and also some tools for cultivating an empowering, positive lifestyle, what are some ways that you can demonstrate this world to women? What I want you to do is to consider your social circle, your neighborhood, your social activities, and come up with three inexpensive date ideas. That’s right, think of date ideas for less than $20 TOTAL. Why inexpensive? Women are more impressed by the guy who has money, and who doesn’t need to flaunt it, as opposed to the guy who has it (or not!) and who needs to flaunt it. If you have money, GREAT. When you really connect with her person-toperson, you will reveal your wealth when she sees your home. For the purposes of this exercise however, think inexpensive so you have to reveal other parts of your life and world to her. Women are more impressed by men who don’t need to flaunt their wealth, and who are secure in themselves regardless of their net worth. So, come up with three different date ideas. These should be inventive, creative and reflective of your life and world. Here’s an example: • Take her to my friend’s gallery in Chelsea. Then, we go to Syd’s coffee for dessert. Instead of eating dessert there, we head down to the pier where they play live Tango music on Mondays. We eat dessert in the free seating by the music. This example proves that I know the ins-and-outs of my community, while demonBringing Her Into Your World Page 40

strating my interest in visual art, good/unknown dessert spots, tango, and natural settings. These all reveal different sides of you. They also help you resist the familiar trap of needing to impress her with money. Lastly, doing such interesting activities helps the conversation flow, relieving a lot of common dating anxiety.

Chapter III Bringing Her Into Your World Summary Points Bring Her Into Your World. If your world is filled with positive emotions, when you bring a woman into it, she will see that your lifestyle (your world) is attractive. Purpose, Passion, People. These are the three building blocks of an attractive lifestyle. On the phone, on a date, whenever! Reveal your world to her by using your intelligence and creativity. Remember: you and she are learning about each other. A date, a call, or a conversation are all opportunities to reveal how positive and passionate your life is. Just keep it subtle, and allow your life to speak for itself.

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The Social Self: Presenting Yourself With Power Page 42

Chapter III is where we make the transition from the interior world to the exterior world. You are aligned with your purpose, you have taken actions to fill your life with positive emotions, and you are now seeing your relationships as ways to share your world with others. These chapters are about changing your state of mind and energy from needy and insecure to confident and masculine. Every guy we work with NEEDS the internal work far more than he needs the external work. If you don’t take the actions outlined in the exercises, no social skill or conversational technique will work for you. As long as you come from a place of desperation, your personal power is surrendered. This is unattractive, and unhealthy. I say this to stress the importance of the first three chapters, and encourage you to read them two to three times at least. Now, I want to focus on the external aspects which, when mastered, give us the maximum advantage in dating, and in life. In this chapter, I am going to discuss the ways we can utilize our social circles to maximum advantage. Later, I will cover a simple, elegant way to consistently meet women, what to say to them, how to flirt, tease, tell stories, etc. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * As I mentioned in the Introduction, the way most people meet romantically is through social circles. An example would be when a friend sets you up with someone. Or, you are invited to a party, and meet a woman by being introduced by a mutual friend. In fact, women are used to meeting men in these scenarios. This is why your chances of having lasting relationships with women you meet from your social circle are much higher than if you solely meet them via more anonymous social settings (bars, clubs, even internet dating). So, why not learn some ways then to enhance your social circle, optimizing your opportunities for meeting compatible women? This chapter is devoted to exploring this topic. Expanding your social circle has a snowball effect. You meet one person, they invite you to a party, and guess what – you have just also met 25 of her friends. You meet three people at the party, which leads to 3 times the amount of people in your social circle. Being open-minded and social is a great way to expand our world in an effort to find like-minded people. The Social Self: Presenting Yourself With Power Page 43

So, what are some specific ways that we can enhance our social circle?

• Saying “Yes” • Be in the know about happenings in your community • Doing things alone • Be a leader • Start Where You Are

Saying “Yes” I was recently working with a guy here in New York, in a one-on-one consultation. He mentioned to me that he had lots of friends, but they were not involved in activities that he was interested in. So, I asked him, “what do you do instead?” He said he liked to work out, or go home and read. These are fine activities, but clearly not ways to expand a social life. We realized eventually that his idea of a good time was doing something he knew in advance would be fun, and that this was typically a solo activity. He was not willing to step out of his comfort zone and try something new. My advice to him, and to you too, is to say “yes” more often. If someone asks you to join them for an event, say “yes”. If a group is heading out for a drink after work and you’re invited, say “yes”. Don’t be afraid to step out of your comfort zone and experience new things. You will meet new people, and you may find you like the new activity. Your life can only get larger if you say “yes”, and it will only shrink by saying “no”. The only way to grow in this area, or in ANY area of life, is to consciously choose to be uncomfortable. Once you are comfortable, you have stopped growing. Also, if you stretch your comfort zone, you will have to relate to people differently than you do in your “safe” zones. We tend to talk about the same things when we spend time with the same people, in the same environments. If we say “yes” to expanding our social network and environments, our social skills will improve. Passionate people are open-minded, and naturally curious about things they do not know. You can’t lose when you say “yes”. Take advantage of every new opportunity presented.

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Know Your Local Events! Part of being a social person is in knowing what is happening in your local community. There is likely more to your town or city than meets the eye. Find where events are listed for your city, and check it out on a regular basis. As you become more involved in your life by pursuing interests and hobbies, you will be privy to the events surrounding that area of interest. Here in New York, we have The Village Voice which lists each week’s cultural events. Everything is covered, from movies and theater, to music and art, lectures and seminars. Find where this information is kept in your local community, and try some of them out. You can often find interesting, FREE events, openings, exhibitions and promotions by searching your community calendar. Often, free events are off-beat, and can provide for an interesting and adventurous evening. If you take a date to an event that turns out to be bizarre, strange, and otherwise horrible, that’s GREAT. Leave it with a laugh, proving that you are both open to discovering new things in your community. It reveals that you have good taste and are unafraid to walk away from something boring and uncomfortable, plus it gives the two of you a great story to tell. About a year ago, I was leaving the subway on my way home. I noticed a lot of people heading in one direction, so I decided to follow them to discover what it was they were going to see. It turned out that just two blocks away from my home was a rather large, and very cool, cultural center where they were hosting a big party that night. It involved a large gallery opening, a banqueted meal, and a huge dance party that went late into the night. Had I not been paying attention, without an open mind, I would have never known about the event or the venue, which I attended numerous times afterward. Pay attention to what is happening around you. Often people will post about events, parties and lectures on the community board in a grocery store. This is a great way to meet new people, and expand your social circle.

Going Out Alone Also, if no one in your current network wants to go, feel free to go alone (gasp). Why The Social Self: Presenting Yourself With Power Page 45

not? Go to things alone, and force yourself to interact with new people. I have always had positive results from doing things alone. The key is to make friends when you arrive. Your goal is to meet new people, right? Why not apply a little social pressure to yourself and go alone, so you cannot hide behind what feels familiar? The worst thing that happens is that you attend an event, you extend your hand in introduction to people and they completely reject you (never happens by the way, but this is the worst case scenario) thereby proving to you that they are snobs. You leave knowing you tried to meet new people and they were just too close-minded to make space for a new, cool person in their little world. With the right attitude, going to things alone is a great way to expand your social circle. If you decide to do this, here is a strategy for increasing your effectiveness: 1) Arrive, and introduce yourself to the host of the party or event (I also used to simply hand them my card, and after a brief chat, ask to be put on their mailing list…this is a good tip for developing ideas for things to do in the future, as well as cultivating a network of cool contacts). 2) Mingle with some of the guys there (way easier for most guys to chat with guys…right?). 3) Now that you have some male friends as a base, mingle within their social circle – who knows, they may have single, available female friends with them. 4) Then, begin to mingle off of their social circle. As you converse and discuss things, bring other people into it – “hey, we are discussing ___, what do you think about ____?” Presto, you have just expanded the social circle. The above is a four-step outline which describes a structure to mingling. Now, you can take this further if there is a woman there that has caught your eye, and you want to meet her. 5) Take the lead, and move the group you are in to “her” area of the room. 6) When you are in her vicinity, bring into your circle the closest person to you that is in “her” circle. The Social Self: Presenting Yourself With Power Page 46

7) Again, take the lead, and present the topic to her circle, connecting the two social circles. Presto, you are involved in her circle. When she says something, take the lead and respond. This begins a conversation with you and her. One word of advice, if you really want to begin a good conversation with her, and make it look smooth in the process – disagree with whatever she says. That’s right, find a way to disagree with her. Then, it makes perfect sense that the two of you talk – as you now have to work out your disagreement! The above structure is a classic way of socializing that has worked for me countless times. If your goal is merely to expand your social circle, follow this and find yourself meeting new people constantly. This is also a great way to smoothly meet the “her” in the room. Of course, you can also just walk up to her and introduce yourself…that might be simpler, and more impressive too. Doing that is a lot easier if you have made some friends first, and established a home base somewhere in the sea of strangers. By the way, if someone catches your eye and you feel this strong urge to meet her, here is exactly what you say to meet her. Ready? You may be surprised to find it is SUPER SIMPLE. Here goes: “Hi, I don’t mean to interrupt you, but I noticed you from across the room and HAD to risk embarrassment to meet you. My name is….” That’s it! You could spend all night trying to come up with the perfect thing to say, or simply say the truth. If you do this with a strong posture and voice, while holding steady eye contact, you will impress her. And, if you pay attention to the rest of this book and have a cool look working for you, she will be doubly impressed. If she is cold or rejects you, she is probably that way anytime someone is direct and honest with her. Cut your losses and walk away. She just failed the test, NOT you. Got it? A basic rule of social circles is: If one person is interested in another person, the way to signal your interest is to….talk to them! That’s it – real simple. Above I outline two strategies to get from knowing no one to talking with the one who catches your eye. If you are interested in a woman, are introduced to her or meet her in the above ways, The Social Self: Presenting Yourself With Power Page 47

the best way to let her know that you are interested is to simply talk to her for a while. Usually, when we meet someone new, there is a window of time where we introduce ourselves and make small talk. If you are interested in someone, take it further – show that you are interested by building commonalities and being curious about who she is. Use some of your conversational skills (that we discuss later) to see if you have anything in common with each other. If you decide you are interested in seeing her, ask her for her phone number. It is that simple guys. Talking with her for longer than is the social norm for simple introductions, and you are letting her know you are interested. By the way, the best way to get a woman’s number in any situation is to simply say the following: Unfortunately, I can’t continue our conversation now as I have to ____ (go back to my friends, go to a meeting, take a call, whatever the real reason is for you to leave the conversation), so we will have to continue some other time. How do we stay in touch? If you have covered the basic steps covered in the next chapter, she will find no problem with giving you her number. I have heard millions of craftily worded lines and gimmicks to ensure getting a woman’s number. If you have to resort to such a highly complex strategy to simply secure her contact information, you haven’t paid nearly enough attention to the basics (demonstrating your personality, storytelling, connecting etc. – don’t worry, we will cover these). If you cover the basics, continuing the conversation is a foregone conclusion. She will WANT you to have her number.

Take Charge, Be The Leader You might notice in the social outline above I mention “take the lead”. If you really want to expand your social circle, you will have to take the lead and make it happen. Your friends may or may not be interested in meeting new people. Your friends may or may not be interested on growing out of their comfort zone. That is why it is so important for you to be willing to go out alone – particularly if it is something you really want to see, or experience. One way to lead is to organize events and activities. I used to have a loft in Brooklyn, The Social Self: Presenting Yourself With Power Page 48

and would throw monthly parties as a way to expand my social circle. After every party, I would have new numbers of women that I eventually dated or invited to the next party. Had I not taken the lead, and gone through the effort of making the event happen, I would never have met these women. Also, I made countless new friends in the process. Another fringe benefit to throwing parties is that when you are out meeting new people in other environments, you have an automatic way of keeping in touch with them – “Hey, I am throwing a party next month, give me your email address and I will send you an invite”. All of these new people show up to your party, and now you are on your home turf, meeting new people. Everyone wants to meet you because it is your party! I understand that you may not have the space to throw a party, but most people are able to throw dinner parties, right? Here is an idea – throw a dinner party, and ask each friend to bring someone completely new who will not know the other people there. I used to do this a lot, and it always makes for an exciting evening. Also, develop a theme around the dinner. I remember one dinner party I threw was based on a Mediterranean theme, and another was an evening with different “stews” from around the world. Use your imagination and have fun with it. Again, this is a great way to meet new people. Feel free to confide in your female friends that they are more than welcome to bring their single friends along… If you are totally out of ideas, throw a party in another person’s space. Ask your friends, who happen to have the killer house in the center of town, if they would mind if you threw a dinner party at their house. You will manage the invites, the décor, and the clean-up, while everyone invited will bring a dish to the night. All they have to do is get dressed and have a good time. If the party is going to be big, get some friends to help you out. The basic rule of thumb is to have one person helping you for every ten guests. So, if you can only find three other friends to help you with the party, be sure to have no more than thirty people attend…this is supposed to be fun, right? Lastly, if there is an interesting core of people at your place of employment, yet no one has yet taken the lead to organizing an after work drink/meal/outing etc, become that person. Work is a great place to start meeting new people, as you are forced to be around each other, and almost certainly know people with which to socialize. Countless groups go out for drinks after work, to try out a new bar or lounge, or a new resThe Social Self: Presenting Yourself With Power Page 49

taurant. This is a very solid way to start leading and expanding your social circle. If you use your imagination, and take the lead, there is no way you can be stopped from expanding your social circle. In fact, one of the nice fringe benefits to leading your social life, is that other people will naturally call you with invitations to their cool events. Most people are interested in expanding and enhancing their own social circle. If you help them in doing that by inviting them to your outings, they will often reciprocate the invitation. Taking the lead and getting active is a no-lose situation!

Start Where You Are The most important action for you to take TODAY is to begin. So, if your social circle is small and/or unsatisfying to you, you must make a beginning in changing this. The way you do this is to start where you are. If you have three close friends, organize an outing, throw a dinner party, explore a restaurant - just do SOMETHING soon. Get it moving. Then, as you commit to leading your social life in a more positive, outgoing way, you will see that others will want to come along. The results from this are always positive. Let’s say you and your three closest buddies commit to going to a different museum each Sunday, AND that you three must bring another person with you. Your friends start to help you (and themselves) in meeting others, and expanding each other’s social circle. A few years ago, when I made a conscious decision to stop the “pick- up” game and commit to leading a healthy and interesting social life, I realized that others did not share this goal with me. No problem. I became the only one to lead activities, and to invite new people along. The flow of new people was constant. I would meet new people at a job, for example, and tell them that my friends and I were going to a particular restaurant that Saturday. I would then invite them to come along, introducing them to everyone and expanding my social circle. The beautiful thing about leading your social circle is that you always have something to invite others to do with you. If you go out alone, as was described earlier, and you meet someone interesting - you can always invite them to come with you on your next cool, group outing. The Social Self: Presenting Yourself With Power Page 50

The Value in Being Friends Since we are now interested in meeting women and improving our social lives, we will hopefully be dating a lot more in the near future. Sometimes though, the women we date will not evolve into romantic relationships. What we usually do is throw out the number and move on to the “next one”. This is sometimes a good rule, but every so often, I will date a woman that I really enjoy, but we don’t share that special, romantic, chemistry. In these scenarios, I always advise guys to focus on establishing a friendship instead. As we meet new people, it is very common that we run across women that we want to have as friends. The reasons for this vary. Sometimes a woman is only open to a friendship with a man, as she is too busy with her work or other areas of her life. Perhaps she just broke up with a guy, and simply is unwilling to open her heart to someone new. In my experience, some of the best relationships I have had, and observed, started with a friendship. For some of you, this may cause indigestion. You are probably thinking, “Hey, I bought this book to help me STOP being friends with all of these women – and now you are suggesting I purposely MAKE friends with them?? I am confused.” The point is, in the realm of social interaction, sometimes there is simply not enough “skill” or “strategy” that will get you the girl! Sometimes, it is not meant to be or the chemistry simply lacks that mysterious “spark”. Finding meaningful relationships with women is not akin to hunting deer in the forest. You may have to accept the gray area of friendship at times. As you improve your abilities to display your personality with women (who, might I remind you, before you were completely unable to even TALK TO!), you will find that some of these interactions never make it to the “romance” stage. Why not take the positive, healthy route, and accept a friendship with her, adding a new, healthy and positive component to your life! Most guys have problems communicating with women, so having some female friends in their life is a GREAT idea. Also, you now become part of her social network. She certainly has friends that are similar to her in many ways, which might indeed turn into romance prospect for you in the future. Ultimately, having more and more women in your world is a good thing. What I try to urge guys NOT to do is to instantly exclude those that we do not “get”. The outcome for that action is certain – a smaller, less interesting life. Our goal is to expand it. There are plenty more fish in the sea guys… The Social Self: Presenting Yourself With Power Page 51

EXERCISE Right now I want you to think of three ways to expand your social life. First, think of something you could do TODAY that would immediately expand your social life. Perhaps it means calling a friend you have fallen out of touch with, and making plans to see them. Or, maybe it means going online and learning more about your neighborhood or city. This will enable you to be clued-in to local events, and be more active out in the world. Perhaps you are one of those guys who are currently thinking, “I can’t think of anything man. Oh well, I guess I am off the hook for this one!” This is a classic example of being unwilling to step outside of your comfort zone and try something new. These are the guys who won’t change until they are willing to. Unfortunately, willingness is not sold in books…Go ahead and write this down now. Second, I want you to think of something you can do THIS WEEK that will expand your social life. This might be in the form of signing up for dance classes, or planning to attend a lecture in your neighborhood. If you can invite a friend to join you in this, EVEN BETTER. If not, use the guidelines above about going out alone, and fly solo. Find something here that you are interested in, and that works for your schedule. This activity is BOUND to put you in the same room with some interesting people, and probably some attractive women. Write down this activity or event now. Last, I want you to commit to organizing (leading) one event in the next MONTH that will naturally expand your social circle. The classic one I tell guys to do is to throw a dinner party, and tell all the guests to invite someone that no one else knows. You could also start a group that explores different areas of your city. Call it some crazy name, and tell your friends that each time you meet, you have to bring someone new along. See where I am going with this? You want to continually think of ways to EXPAND your social circle. The basic idea is to do something you want to do, then invite your current social circle to come along. Then, as a rule for attending, tell them they have to invite someone else! Be honest with people, and tell them that you are consciously growing your social circle. If you invite your female friends (which I certainly encourage you to do!), tell them you are dating, and want to meet single women. Seriously, if they are your friend, they will want you to meet someone. It never hurts to be honest. The Social Self: Presenting Yourself With Power Page 52

Go ahead now and write down the event you will be leading in the next month. Remember, this is a contract between you and you – if you don’t follow through, you are only letting yourself down. Nice work. You now have three actions to take that will instantly increase the vitality of your social circle. In fact, before you read the next chapter, I want you to do item number 1. The next chapter is the one most guys crave, it’s all about how to talk to women. So, we are about to cover flirting, teasing, storytelling etc. We are even going to give you precise things to say. But, before you continue, do the first action item you wrote down. Momentum is key! Inertia is death! Go for it! Let me conclude by emphasizing the importance of building your social circle. Even though it is one of the shorter chapters in this book, it is by far the best thing that you can do to meet more women who have a lot in common with you. Look around you and notice the couples holding hands strolling through your city’s streets. The chances that they met via social circle are VERY high. It is rare that couples come together from a cold-approach. The women you meet via your community are the ones most likely to evolve into a relationship.

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Chapter IV The Social Self Presenting Yourself with Power Summary Points

Say “YES”. Expanding ones social circle requires venturing into the unknown, and stretching the comfort zone. Make it a habit of being open to new events by saying “yes” when asked out socially. Be part of your community. Get to know your neighborhood, and your community. Make it a point to find some favorite, cool places near your home that you can frequent. Become the guy the owner knows by name. Then, when on a date, bring her there and watch them help you have a fun night. Also, become involved in local events, charities, fundraisers, and other activities. LEAD. Even if you need to go to things alone at the beginning, fear not. Start doing things that you want to do, and invite others to come along. If you are doing cool, fun activities, others will WANT to come along. Become the center of your social circle, and watch as women literally come TO you rather than you having to chase them.

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Communicating With Women Page 55

I have heard every excuse in the book: “I just don’t know what to say to her”, or “I said the wrong thing to her, and that blew it for me”, and “I freeze up when I am in front of a woman, and I can’t think of anything to say.” Not knowing what to say, and fearing you might say the wrong thing are legitimate concerns. It is very common for well-meaning, cool guys, to misrepresent themselves when talking to women. This happens every day, and women walk away thinking “that guy was creepy”. Most guys simply lack social intelligence, and specific conversational skills. With some very simple guidelines, you can improve these skills, and increase your abilities to relate to women. Lets get started…

Meeting Women Most of you reading this book are currently experiencing difficulty in meeting new women. This can be very frustrating, and damaging to our lifestyle, confidence and self-esteem. Most men experience a lack of choice with women in their lives leaving them very dissatisfied. They typically feel that the women they date have selected them as potential partners. Most men don’t feel they own the power to TRULY choose as well. They lack options, and they lack real experience which leads to knowing what they want. Ideally, both the man and a woman choose to be in a relationship for the RIGHT reasons. A wrong reason would be – “because no one else was available”. Does this sound like you? Wouldn’t you like to change this? Our clientele consists of interesting, intelligent, motivated, cool guys. However, put an attractive woman in front of any of them, and he loses any and all sense of who he is. His knees quickly turn to jell-o, and smoke starts coming out of his ears. This is the guy who asks a myriad of questions as he struggles for air, just to keep the interaction alive, while the girl continually checks her watch, seeking a quick and easy escape. Hopefully, you have paid attention to the internal techniques I covered in the first three chapters, making it VERY clear why guys feel nervous, and how to correct that in the future. Personally, I have failed many times with trying to meet women, until I came up with a simple, three-step plan. This plan gives you a structure that allows you to display your personality to a woman in a way that is smooth and interesting. It eliminates the Communicating With Women Page 56

“creepy” factor, while giving you ample opportunity to connect with her so that she is comfortable in seeing you again on a date. This structure alleviates nervousness and discomfort, increasing your chances of success. It also reduces the stress level in your brain which continually screams, “What am I supposed to say???” These three steps are:

1) Engage



2) Hook



3) Connect

Let’s cover these one by one, and I will include within it an actual conversation I had with a woman recently here in a New York City bookstore. This will illustrate each step in the process.

Engage Seems simple enough, right? Just, begin the conversation. But, you have to do it the right way. Understand the environment you are in, and play at the edges of the social norms (for example, talking to a stranger is outside of the social norm). Begin the conversation with a light tease, a flirtatious comment, a humorous remark, or just something simple, such as: ME (in the poetry aisle of a bookstore): “Deep down, I really hate poetry. But, funny enough, I find myself back here in the poetry aisle over and over and over again.” HER: “Oh really…?” ME: “Yeah, I feel there is some part of me that thinks it can conquer poetry, if I just read enough, I will unlock the secrets of the poem. I guess I am attracted by challenge.” This is an actual example from my life, and it definitely worked. Notice how I assume rapport from the beginning. My voice, body, energy all indicate to her that I am comfortable and relaxed. This helps me NOT to signal to her that something is “up”, or Communicating With Women Page 57

that I am trying to “pick her up”. The implication is that I am a chatty guy, and she is the closest person to me. That is the only reason I have started talking with her. So, assume rapport from the beginning. Talk to her as if she is a friend already. If you are able to lead by being comfortable from the beginning, she will be more likely to relax and open up to the conversation too. Also, notice how simple the comment is. By using the immediate environment, it brings us together because we are both in the poetry section of the store, and I am not asking a bunch of boring and invasive personal questions. By speaking about my experience, and by paying attention to her reactions, I was able to lead her into a conversation. Just keep it simple and light. Adding in humor makes this step even more effective. Incidentally, I dated this woman for some time after engaging her with the above. I particularly enjoy this type of opening, as it is not scripted. Later in this chapter, I will cover environmental/situational approaches like this. I do advocate “lines” as a way to engage, but if you are able to create something on the spot - that is far better. Why? It is more organic, which helps you be more natural. This automatically leads to a more alive interaction. Also, “lines” tend to sound scripted, contrived and artificial, which lower your chances of actually opening the conversation. Women are naturally turned-off by pre-scripted lines. They tend to signal that a guy can’t simply be in the moment, and begin a conversation naturally. Often, they will sound too good and women will respond with “good line”. There is a huge stigma out there about “lines”, as they are usually used by guys only seeking sex. If you really find something interesting about the woman, use that as a way to engage her in conversation. If not, why do you want to talk to her? If you are nervous about beginning a conversation with a woman, feel free to use a prescripted line or question. I never counsel a guy to rely too much upon lines, but sometimes a guy needs to learn to approach a woman first, and then how to have a natural conversation. Trying is always better than not trying. Think of these pre-scripted lines as training wheels. As you get better at socializing with women, drop them. Going forward, I am going to show you many examples of ways to begin a conversation with a woman. You are welcome to use these, but only as a means to an end. These are training wheels only. Their value is only in learning the skill that they illustrate. Communicating With Women Page 58

In general, there are two ways to engage a woman in conversation. They are as follows:

1) Directly 2) Indirectly

There are really two techniques that I will cover under the “indirect” heading. More on that in a minute. For now, let’s discuss direct approaches.

Direct Approaches A direct approach is very powerful. I definitely advocate trying this at least once in your lifetime. I used to do it all the time, as I found the honesty empowering. This technique is very simple, and yet many men find it so challenging that they often never try it. Here is an example of what you might say with a direct approach: Pardon me, but I noticed you from across the (lounge, café, bookstore etc) and had to risk total embarrassment to meet you. My name is _____” This is such a powerful approach because you aren’t hitting on her, you merely “noticed” her. Couple that with your willingness to openly admit that it is a “risk” and a potential “embarrassment” for you, commonly helps her drop her defenses, nicely opening the conversation. If you have female friends, run this by them and let them tell you what they think about it. Typically, I find women to be very open and happily surprised that a guy had the ability to engage her in a conversation using something so honest and direct. It ties back into our theme on security. Being direct and honest is a natural trait of secure men. I think you will find, as I did, that the empowerment that comes from simply stating my interest (and not in a weird, creepy way, mind you) is well worth the risk of approach. If you do decide to practice direct approaches with this phrase, you will need to be prepared to tell her exactly WHY you noticed her. 99% of the time she will follow your remark with, “So, what did you notice about me?”. A great way to respond to this is with a compliment that reveals to her that you pay attention to MORE than just how “hot” she is. So, compliment her sense of style, her energy/vibe, her presence, her Communicating With Women Page 59

ability to have fun etc. If she did catch your eye, and you did feel the impulse to approach her, then ask yourself - why? Hopefully it has more to do with just her looks, and is something that you can then turn into a nice compliment.

Indirect Approaches Within the heading of “indirect approaches”, there are really two different techniques to discuss. One is the “indirect opener” and the other is the “environmental/situational opener”. Let’s discuss the indirect opener first. An indirect opener is where you engage a woman (or a group of women) in conversation by requesting “female input” on an issue or question that is current in your life. When considering what topics to use, the following three are typically the best:

• Pop Culture



• Relationships



• Fashion/Style

These three topics consistently and reliably open the conversation. Now that we have an idea of what topics work, what is the ideal structure or format to use? Here is an example which illustrates this technique perfectly: ME: Guys, I need female input on a challenge a friend of mine is currently facing. Imagine you were engaged to a guy, would you want a picture of you and your fiancée in the wedding announcements in the paper? HER: Yes/No (Doesn’t matter, though if she tells you she is engaged at this point, I suggest you take notice!). ME: Well, I have a friend who is a known writer and he and his fiancée are to be married in a few months. Being a writer has the perks of celebrity and anonymity, and he is afraid that if the photo appears in the paper his anonymity will be gone. Now, if you were the woman in that case, would you still insist on having the picture in the paper? Communicating With Women Page 60

HER: Yes/No/I would/I wouldn’t (again, certainly take note of the replies here – and if you feel confident enough – flirt in response to what is said, but the structure or form of this script is not dependant upon a certain answer). ME: Well, here is the final twist. She doesn’t know this, but he used to work for the very paper that she is insisting the photo appear in. He was fired from there some years ago, and he never told her because he was embarrassed! So, if your fiancée approached you with this dilemma, what would you do? Would you be upset? Would you still insist the photo appear? What gives? Presto. Conversation begun. The above is an ACTUAL script I used to use and have given it away only to those guys who work with me one-on-one. It came from an actual event in my life (I created it on the subway as a way to meet a cute girl). You are more than welcome to use it verbatim, but I encourage you to try to both develop your own script, AND (more importantly) to understand the structure of this so that you can create this spontaneously, based on events from your own lives. So, what IS the structure here and why is it so effective? I really believe there are three reasons why:

• Three “Give & Take’s” • Subject Matter • Question, Story, Twist

Three “Give & Takes” - You will notice in the script that the flow of the interaction is not dependant upon a specific answer. She can answer yes or no, and either way the structure is still maintained. This gives you three, built-in back & forth exchanges that often provide for many openings into a longer conversation. Subject Matter – As mentioned before, this script uses the topic of “relationships” as its subject matter. The element of drama also helps pique someone’s interest. If you are thinking of developing your own script, it is very important that you use one of these subjects – as the topic of the question is always critical. You need it to “open the door” to the conversation. Communicating With Women Page 61

Question, Story, Twist – I have seen numerous “female input” scripts, and the BEST ones use this format: Question, Story, Twist. Right now, re-read the script from above. Now, notice how the initial question is simple, this is followed by the back-story. In the end, you offer a twist to the story, which amplifies the drama. This process of building tension is so useful in beginning a conversation. It separates you from the other guys, while also providing a surprise ending to the story. This is a GREAT skill to master. I encourage you guys to try this out at least 5 times. Then, develop your own script and try that 5 times. After using your own, you should be able to internalize the social skill embedded within this script. Another truly outstanding skill to master in the world of socializing and dating is the environmental/situational opener. I find this skill to be the most fun to use, and yet the hardest to master. Essentially, this skill enables you to engage with an improvised comment or question, which is pertinent to the moment. AND, the funnier, the better… not so easy. There are a few guidelines that I can provide, but there really is no structure to this that is fool-proof and reliable. To be successful, you will have to rely upon your common sense and your sense of humor. First, it is always useful to start by asking yourself – “What, at this moment, do I have in common with her?” The answer is usually involves sharing the same: place, time, environment, smell, sight and sound (even taste and touch in certain situations). From these, you can begin to think of a simple question or comment. Sometimes a basic question can work (though please don’t ever use “Come here often?”), but what is better is to add something playful and flirty. Here are some examples of basic questions, followed by the same basic comment, with an added humorous/flirtatious twist.

Communicating With Women Page 62

1) Woman seated at a bar waiting for a friend. At her feet is a large, fancy bag: - Nice bag, is that a new Gucci?, or - Nice large bag…you running away from home or something? 2) Standing next to a woman in front of a modern painting, which is a frenzy of colors, most notably, red: - Do you like this painting?, or - Did you spill your wine on this painting? You might be in trouble, I think you’d better run….” 3) At a club, the girl comes off the dance-floor with her friend. She approaches the bar for a drink: - Wow, that dance floor is packed!, or - I was watching the entire club, and you, without a doubt, are the single best dancer here. It was a close call with you and that guy (points to a guy who is a horrible dancer, grinding up some girls), but you are the undisputed winner 4) At a grocery store, in the check-out line: - Boy this line is taking forever., or - Did you know that 90% of women enjoy waiting in grocery store lines, as it gives them a chance to catch up on their reading? So, in your case, do you prefer The Star or The National Inquirer? 5) Woman at the bar, sipping her drink, waiting for some friends: - Can I buy you a drink?, or - Good grief I am thirsty, would you like to buy me a drink? OF COURSE, I would not assume you are hitting on me if you did… In these five examples, the first sentence is a basic question – these RARELY work, and yet MOST guys use exactly these kinds of lines to engage women in conversation! Communicating With Women Page 63

Amazing, right? With a little thought, you can advance yourself to the second question which is funnier, flirtatious, and more interesting. Also, the fifth example above is VERY advanced…use with caution! If you don’t pull that one off with the perfect blend of sarcasm, humor, and a subtle, telling smile, you risk being smacked clear across the room! BUT, if you do it with the proper tone and attitude, it can be very engaging as it is very flirtatious. What do each of the four second examples above have in common? They are funny, they are relevant to the moment, and they accuse her of something she clearly did not do. Accusing her subtly and playfully in this manner is a GREAT way to flirt, and get noticed. If you have any familiarity with improvisation, you might prefer to use this method of approach. If not, I would encourage you to take an improv class in your community. Not only will you be able to practice developing a conversation on your feet (as opposed to in front of the computer screen), but you might also meet some interesting people. Also, if you have never done an approach before, I would not suggest that you begin with an environmental/situational opener. Try the indirect opener first, and when you are comfortable, try some of these flirtatious comments/questions. When you are skilled, they are very effective, and fun too. That is a basic overview of direct and indirect approach methods. I encourage you to try them ALL and see what suits you best. Then, develop that particular style further, so that you can always feel confident in beginning a conversation. It is not necessary that you master all of the above. Just find one that works for your personality, and then work that one into mastery. If you have never done a cold approach before, definitely begin with the indirect opener. That is the easiest one to start with, as it virtually guarantees at least three “give & take’s” at the beginning, which can do wonders for your confidence. Most important – HAVE FUN, and don’t take any rejections too seriously. I always chalk it up to the woman having a bad day, and move on to the next opportunity. There is too much going on in this world to get upset or lose confidence over one social interaction not working out.

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Hook What does it mean to “hook” her into the interaction? When you have created enough interest in yourself causing her to want you to stay and continue the conversation rather than leave, she is “hooked”. I am sure you have been in conversations where you really wanted to leave, and in others where you were interested enough to stay. I help guys put themselves in position to realize the second scenario, and eliminate the first one! There are two things to keep in mind after you engage her in conversation. Number one is never come across as “needy” or “desperate”. What are some common ways that guys do this? They:

• Ask a lot of questions just to keep the conversation going • Fidget when they talk • Don’t look the woman in the eye when speaking • Fumble & twist their speech • Use a soft & timid vocal tone • Lean-in with their body language

If you do any of these things when talking with women, STOP. Each communicates insecurity and nervousness, which naturally causes them to feel the same way. These annoying habits signal to her that “something is up”. Women are VERY sensitive socially, and if you display insecurity, she will intuitively lose trust for you. She will realize that your intentions and your words don’t match up. It is unreasonable to expect yourself to be free of nerves when talking with women. It IS reasonable to expect you to eliminate nervous behavior from your interactions. Understood? Another way that guys come across as “needy” is that they do not understand how to present themselves in a powerful, elegant, masculine way, causing her to want to know more about you. You will know you are getting there when she starts to asking questions, wanting to know more about you. You can “hook” her by using a variety of social skills. Demonstrating a great sense of humor is one way, or that you have had Communicating With Women Page 65

interesting experiences. Also, revealing that you are a person she can learn from is very powerful. Let’s just continue my conversation from earlier in the chapter, so that I can demonstrate: ME: “A number of years ago, I was traveling in France, and I met this Polish girl, who was also a poet. We had a lot of pretentious conversations about poetry, but along the way, she took me to a tiny cemetery, which was solely reserved for poets. Interesting eh?” HER: “Yeah, I guess, if you like cemeteries” ME: “Well, she was cute, and I was young, so, she could have taken me to prison and I would have gone” HER: “Are you old now or something?” (said flirtatiously) ME: “Haha, no, just less swept away by cute little girls…they tend to be boring, though fun… that’s very ordinary though, particularly in the States…but, I digress. (The above is simply classic flirting and challenging. Now, here is where I hook her) ME: “Anyway, so we walk thru the cemetery, and then go outside of the gates to eat our lunch on a bench by the street…is this boring you by the way?” HER: “No no – you are entertaining me – I like to be entertained” (as you can see, she had a great sense of humor) ME: “All those years of training…finally paying off…mom would be so proud! Well, we sit down and play this amazing game as we eat the best Foie Gras in the world” HER: “And, what was this game?” ME: “We made a poem together…here, since you are into poetry, let’s make a haiku together – but you have to think quickly on your feet. Oh, and she was very good, so the standard has been set very high…I have faith that you are up to the challenge. I will start…” Can you believe it? We were creating a poem together in under 5 minutes. The great Communicating With Women Page 66

thing is – you need to have NO idea about how to really make a haiku for this to work. Being BAD at it is just as good as being good at it. If this doesn’t seem to be your speed – there are a million other things to do, just use your imagination (another attractive quality, by the way). The point is, I created something out of nothing, and involved her in a challenging and fun interaction. This hooked her into our conversation, and she wanted to know a lot more about me. We eventually went to some vacant seats, and continued our conversation. Hooking is easily the most challenging part of meeting new women. When I take guys out socially and demonstrate this part of our three-step process, they always get hungup on how to hook her into conversation. Let’s go into some detail now about the social skills needed within the “hook” phase. You will have to be present to the interaction, listen, and rely upon your instincts to know which skill to use, and when. Along with “baiting”, there are two other essential ones:

• Flirting



• Storytelling



• Baiting

These three skills are GREAT at building intrigue and interest. They convey a high degree of social intelligence, and require confidence to effectively use. One of the best ways to develop confidence is to PRACTICE. In other words, even if you aren’t so confident with these skills, you still need to practice in public in order to improve. The willingness to practice is the element which separates the boys from the men…which are you?

Flirting Flirting is the art of poking fun at someone playfully, while amplifying sexual tension. When kids do this, it is called teasing; when adults do it, it’s called flirting. Treat her like your younger sister, who is slightly quirky, and maybe in need of “extra help”. Or, misinterpret her actions as her flirting with you, misbehaving, or otherwise “up to no good”. This playful teasing is known as “flirting”. Ideally, you can blend in a bit of Communicating With Women Page 67

cockiness, which when combined with humor is an explosive combination. One note on being cocky – don’t overdo it! How many times have I seen a guy go out to a bar or club and not notice if the woman is having fun or not! He will always ruin his chances by not paying attention, and blow the opportunity by not toning down the cockiness. This is a sign of both low social intelligence, and insecurity. Guys who are purely cocky are insecure and considered arrogant. They have to bring down someone else to make themselves feel good. Now, it is fine to be cocky, but you better mix in the humor. Your gauge should be whether or not she is having FUN. Otherwise, she will think you are a jerk. Flirting is the perfect way to maintain and continue a conversation with a woman. It is also a great way to hook her by revealing your sense of humor while creating some sexual tension. Another way to think of flirting is that you are purposely creating a negative emotion. If you combine it with humor, this slight insult will come across as…flirting. For example, you might call her a “brat”. This is a negative thing to say, but if you do so with a smile, it instantly becomes flirtatious. An essential skill required in ALL social situations is listening. In flirting, listening is doubly critical. She will often hand you beautiful opportunities to flirt, but you must be present enough to hear them. So, if you are stuck in your head wondering “what is the next thing I am supposed to say”, you are sunk my friend. As you develop this skill, try to listen more and think less so that you are more engaged with the REAL conversation. What do you listen for? Well, certainly listen for facts and details about her life. It is very impressive if you can recall them later in the conversation. With the art of flirting, try to listen more for ways to misinterpret what she is saying. Or, if she misspeaks – you will definitely want to tease her a bit about that (Freudian slips are GREAT opportunities to flirt). You don’t want to overdo any skill in a social interaction (flirting, baiting etc), so try to mix things up. But you ALWAYS want to listen, and be present to the interaction. Skillful flirting reveals to her that you understand emotional communication, and that you are not going to be like the average guy who waltzes over and engages her with Communicating With Women Page 68

boring Q&A. You are different kind of guy, and know “the code” so to speak. A guy who goes in and tries to shower her with positive emotions from the beginning with compliments and questions usually is seen as needy. You want her to earn the good stuff, so you don’t give it away immediately. Once she earns, it, feel free to give it to her. Until then, set the bar high, and flirt away. Let me give you some examples of what I am talking about: • You guys are mean. You remind me of the playground bullies in 3rd grade, who used to throw sand at me. Of course, those kids eventually got kicked out of school…problem children…jailbirds now…see what you’re in for? • (If she is asking lots of “testy” questions) I like that you are asking so many questions, it shows that you are both curious and intelligent. You remind me of Polly Matson who used to sit front and center in 5th grade to impress the teacher with her hard questions. (then, if she continues asking questions, refer to her as “Polly”) • (If she teases you about your clothing) How adorable, we got Joan Rivers’ second daughter here… • (If she condescends to you in ANY way) “OK, little Lucy from Charlie Brown... we need to get you a football and a little blue dress…awfully feisty…” • A playful disqualification can often have a very strong effect: “You know, me and you, we would just never match – we are too alike, and that just means a load of drama and heartache…” Again – say this with a smirk, a sly smile. From here, you continue to talk with her etc. Beautiful women are not used to hearing things like this at all. By the way, what are beautiful women used to hearing?:

“Let me buy you a drink” “You are so gorgeous” “You are so hot” “Can I have your phone number?”

Please guys, AVOID THESE COMMENTS! The men who say these are instantly catCommunicating With Women Page 69

egorized as being “needy” and “creepy”. This is obviously not the impression we are trying to create! Instead, learn to demonstrate your personality in a way that engages her, causing her to be interested in knowing more about you. This way, she chases you and not the opposite. If you can do that you will win big-time. Are you noticing a pattern here? What you say and how you say it are completely opposed. This is where the TENSION is created. You might say a slight insult, but accompany that with a smile and a raised eyebrow, for example. This combination of humor and a bit of cockiness slowly increases this tension. Often, when you are flirting, you are saying things that could be interpreted as negative. This is why doing so with a sense of humor, and a smile, is so important. Guys who are good at this never hear “let’s just be friends” from women. So, let’s break this concept of flirting down into some basic guidelines:

• Must be done playfully.



• Make fun of her – better to stay away from how she looks, what she is wearing etc as women tend to be very sensitive about these things. Although, if she is wearing something that is obviously seeking attention – feel free to bust on her for it – tease her about “needing attention”…”you are an only child aren’t you – so sad, playing your little Lite Brite all alone...”



• Cockiness is helpful – why? If you are cocky, this subtly communicates that you don’t care, even though you are there to talk to her. This keeps her off-balance and guessing. But don’t overdo it!



• Listen – I can not emphasize this enough. Women will often give you gold in the conversation, but you must recognize it. Also, if you are really listening, you might notice that she is subtly flirting with YOU. This is obviously a skill that is a must across the board, but it is so vitally necessary when flirting. How else are you going to know when to STOP flirting and transition into the “connect” phase? Listening is a critical social skill.



• Ultimately, try to mix in some compliments (I will cover that later in this chapCommunicating With Women Page 70

ter), otherwise you will never stop flirting. By complimenting what you observe about her, it proves that you are paying attention, that you have very good conversational skills, and that you understand how to lead and direct a conversation. If you want to see her again, you need to instill some comfort. Complimenting her is a great way to begin establishing a connection, and to encourage her to reveal a more real side of herself to you. One important note before I leave this topic (and I know I am repeating myself). There will be times when cockiness will be inappropriate. I mention this because guys love to use cockiness when speaking with women. If it is overused, it can destroy your chances of having a real conversation with her. Also, if you can sense that the woman is already attracted to you then it is wise to flirt and tease only very lightly, and then transition into a more normal conversation. Less is more here, and if you do get overly cocky with her, she is likely to think you are a jerk. So, do everything you can to avoid this pitfall!

Storytelling The next conversational technique I want to cover is storytelling. What I want to pass on is how to tell a story in a way that captures and leads the imagination, so that it brings her into your world (ever heard that before??). Men who are naturally successful with women almost always have a sincere interest in life, and in living it to the fullest. We are going to talk at length about passion, and its relevance to being attractive in the final chapter, but I will touch on it here as it relates to storytelling. These “naturals” also seem to have a lot of activities going on, where they are able to test themselves, and grow as men. Their life is interesting. It brings a lot of fascination and intrigue because they have an open mind, and choose to explore it. One way that this serves to help them in their lives with women is that they have interesting stories to tell. Women (and most people) are captivated by a good story. The best storytellers always fill their words and tales with drama, humor, passion, intrigue and mystery. Next time you are at the beach, notice what kinds of books women are Communicating With Women Page 71

reading while they sunbathe. Last summer, I seemed to see a lot of romance novels, as well as mystery and suspense novels. Women are most often led by their emotional center, and when they find something (or someone) who understands how to communicate with them in an emotional way, they get interested. What might be some topics to focus on when considering what stories to tell while in the presence of women? Here’s a list (some of these might look familiar):

• Pop Culture



• Spirituality



• Emotionally charged memories & experiences



• Travel



• Adventure



• Humorous stories from your life

These topics are great because they are entertaining, exciting, funny and generate positive emotions. Also, the more interested you already are in a certain topic the better. This helps you to be enthusiastic when telling your story, a necessary prerequisite for capturing someone’s attention. If you have a natural interest in one of the above topics, it makes sense for you to want to share stories from your life that reflect this interest. So, what are some ways that we can develop this skill?

1) Pay attention



2) Learn emotional communication



3) Live passionately

Let’s spend a minute now with each of these topics. Communicating With Women Page 72

Pay attention: People tend to sleep walk through their lives. Great poets seem to always highlight this when they discuss the smallest things, which most of us don’t see and appreciate. As you go through your life, pay attention to what you see. Recently, I saw a middle-aged man who was rather upset at a neighborhood kid. The kid had apparently just bumped the man’s shoulder while walking down the street. So, the man turned and started yelling at the kid. However, the man failed to realize that the kid was wearing headphones and couldn’t hear him. So, as he got louder and louder, the kid simply stood there, waiting for the light to change, without a care in the world. Those of us around the man noticed this, and couldn’t help but chuckle at his futility. This story illustrates a couple of things. First, this man wasn’t paying attention, and therefore made a fool of himself on the street. Second, this makes for a great story when communicating with women. Why? It is funny, it involves men behaving foolishly, and it is visual. A story that is visual is excellent because the listener can imagine the events in her mind bringing her closer to the reality of the event. When telling a story, remember to paint the picture for someone. Get them involved by creating clear images of what is happening. Great storytellers are comfortable using their body, facial expressions and voice to illuminate the story. This allows them to enter into that world, and have a similar experience of the story as you had when witnessing it. This strengthens the connection between the two of you, painting an attractive portrait of your world. Each day of your life is full of scenes, scenarios, and happenings that make for good stories. Also, many men forget that women like it when we make fun of ourselves. It communicates that you are secure with yourself. If you can tell a funny story which pokes fun at yourself, it illustrates that you are human and are comfortable with that. This always gets great reactions from women. I want to emphasize the importance of paying attention to what is happening around you. This can help you in all areas of your life, not just in relating to women. No one’s life is so boring, so lacking in humor, beauty and drama, as to prevent them from having any interesting stories to relate to others. Here is an appropriate mindset: You find your life interesting, and the world fascinates you; you, naturally, wish to convey this to others as you are a very social guy; you want others to come into your world so you invite them in with a story… Communicating With Women Page 73

Learn emotional communication: If women could hit us all over the heads, and in a flash change one thing about men, it would be that we are not in contact with our emotions, our feelings. In order to communicate emotionally, we first must be in touch with our own emotional lives. This means being open to how we are feeling, each and every moment. (Check out David Deida’s “Blue Truth” for more on this) Emotional communication is when you speak in a way that creates emotions in the listener. The way to do this as a storyteller is to invite the senses and emotions into the story. This means to recreate the images that you observed, and sounds and smells you experienced, and anything you physically felt as a result of the experience. Being open to your emotional life allows you to re-feel these feelings when telling a story. If you feel it, she will feel it; this allows her to understand you, while also engaging her emotionally which is more interesting. Men tend to be stoic, stiff, logical people, governed more by their intellect while women tend to be more emotional and centered in their feelings. The “natural” is not stiff; he is relaxed and unafraid to convey emotions. He relates a story from his life with real feeling and he sympathizes with women intuitively. At the same time he offers them strength and challenges them to face things in a more balanced way. He is unafraid to give himself to something with a great deal of passion. The next time you go to a bar, or club, or somewhere where people are socializing, notice the men who have women with them. Are they the stiff, nervous-looking guys who are mostly silent and appear as a deer in headlights when face-to-face with a beautiful woman? Nope. Are they the relaxed, confident guys who are just having fun, joking around with people, sharing the moment and their life lightheartedly, without the appearance of being under a lot of pressure? You bet. So, an important aspect of good storytelling is to relax, and open up. Feel free to feel your way through an interaction with a woman. I encourage all men to be open to their emotional lives. Endeavor to see that you, along with many people, have rich emotional lives. When you are open emotionally, it allows you a great resource with which to relate and connect with others. This can help you get closer to other people (particularly women). This doesn’t require therapy, or analysis of any kind - unless you have severe challenges. Learn to laugh, and enjoy yourself; learn to have compasCommunicating With Women Page 74

sion for others; learn to sympathize; learn to challenge yourself and others to live fuller lives. See what I mean by this? This doesn’t mean to indulge in negative emotions (jealousy, fear, depression, anger etc). It does mean to be more social, more open, and more involved in the world around you. Once you open up and begin to trust and listen to yourself, you will begin to notice many cues that were always there before, but that you were unaware of…why? You weren’t paying attention, that’s why. This is an invaluable skill when storytelling because it adds a dimension to it that women strongly relate to – an emotional dimension. OK, so now let’s get into the nuts and bolts of this skill. A good storyteller communicates both the images and emotions experienced by the characters in the story. This gives the listener the same images and emotions. Let’s go back to the minor example above, to demonstrate. I am going to illustrate two ways to recount this story, which do you think is the better way? “I saw this middle-aged man today. He was walking down the street, when a youngster bumped him and caused him to drop his grocery bag. After this happened, the man turned to his left, and began to shout at the boy. The boy, wearing headphones, could not hear the man, and therefore, continued on his path unapologetically.” OR: “Ha, check this out. I was walking home from work today right? I see this kinda tough older Italian guy – he was like a guy who used to be a mobster, but was totally past his prime. He wore an expression like this – (makes face like a monkey), had on his wife-beater t-shirt and suspenders…the whole package, right? So, anyway, this guy is marching down the street like he owns it, when this teenager – you know, like a neighborhood kid, wearing sneakers, gold chains, hat on crooked and stuff – walks by, and unbelievably, bumps the ol’ gangster in the shoulder! Ha! You should have seen the steam coming out of the gangster’s ears – like a cartoon. He turns (mimics this, and laughing), faces the kid and begins to shout expletives down the street – he was all hunched over, just like an old gorilla. Now, the funny thing is the kid NEVER responded. He kept walking, without even missing a step – amazing. Well, I looked a bit closer Communicating With Women Page 75

at the kid, and he was wearing headphones – he couldn’t hear a word the old gorilla was saying! He was lost in the world of JayZ or something. If he had seen him, it would have looked like “The Sopranos” on mute or something. Gorilla man eventually ran out of energy – remember, he is PAST his prime – and had to suck it up and pick up his groceries himself. He muttered to himself the entire time – and then, right at the end, as he was walking away – he turned to the spot where the collision happened – and SPAT right on the sidewalk.” Now, which of these is more engaging and humorous? Definitely the second example, right? The emotions felt by the characters in the story are captured and conveyed through clearly communicated images, and by the teller reliving the emotions as he tells them! Emotional communication is far more powerful than logical communication, because the listener is able to experience the feeling of being there. This is a more satisfying experience, and it also creates a stronger connection between you and her, as she now feels as if she has actually shared this experience with you. Amazingly, most guys talk like the first example. Incredible right? How about you? The second version of the story also packs in lots of images which allow the listener to enter into the world of the story, and experience it like he/she was there. Also, see how the storyteller is willing to mimic the foolish elements from the story? This is a subtle was to poke fun at yourself while communicating that you are comfortable and relaxed in your own skin. This is no minor detail, and if you feel awkward doing this in the beginning, that is OK. Lastly, and most importantly, see how the emotional moments of the story are hit and built upon until the end, when the man futilely tries to finally get even by spitting on the sidewalk? The teller (and therefore the listener) is reliving the story – he is in the story as if he were the characters living the scenario for the first time. This allows the listener to experience the event. Make sense? Live passionately: As I said, this topic will be covered in detail in the final section of this book. However, a man who lives passionately has both a wealth of interesting stories to tell, and a personal connection with each. This frees a lot of positive emotional energy and enthusiasm into the story, helping involve the listener in the world you are describing. By learning to live the life you truly want, you will naturally have greater feeling for the events you witness and experience, which translates naturally into better socializing. The man who lives with passion is rarely, if ever, short on conversation. Communicating With Women Page 76

One last point here, and this is very important. In socializing, and in particular with women, you have to be willing to take up space. Being confident enough to take the spotlight for a minute or two is strong and healthy. You have to be willing to do this. In the beginning, it might be uncomfortable but it does improve over time. You have a right to be on this planet, going for what you want, so don’t be scared to take up some space in a conversation.

Baiting I touched on this skill a bit before. It is quite possibly the most valuable AND challenging skill that I teach. I found myself doing this naturally a few years ago. My subconscious had learned how to get someone chasing me through the course of a conversation. This skill is subtle, but I guarantee you, it is powerful. Baiting can be defined best by an example. Take a close look at the following dialogue and see if you can understand where I am baiting this woman. ME: (touching her sweater) mmm…cashmere… I love a warm sweater. Growing up in the mountains, I always had such warm clothes for the wintertime. Whenever I wear one now, it reminds me of my youth. HER: The mountains? Where did you grow up? ME: Oh, the mountains of North Carolina. I lived there through high school. Growing up in a small town, and particularly when you mother has a central position in the community, you learn a lot about everything – government, the arts, personalities, scandal, commerce – you name it. Small town life makes people very well-rounded. HER: What did your mother do? ME: She published the local newspaper. So, we learned about everything first, then communicated it to the community in print. We had some wild experiences in that place! Obviously, though, I left, and ended up focusing on a career in school – which helped me get to where I am today. Communicating With Women Page 77

HER: Where did you go to school? What are you doing now? OK, so I could go on forever with this scenario. But can you see what is going on here? Baiting is when you demonstrate an element of your past or personality, which invites a question from her to you. So, you do not want to reveal an ENTIRE fact about your life. What you want to do is to HINT at it, thus, baiting a question from her. Think of it as revealing the very “tip” of a conversational thread. This helps eliminate the traditional pattern of you asking tons of questions of her, and gets her asking questions of YOU instead. This is a much more powerful dynamic that gets her chasing you. As I mentioned, the basic rule of thumb is to bait her until she is asking you questions. THEN, feel free to ask questions of her. Got that? It is very important that you demonstrate your interest in her by asking questions and complimenting her, but do it at the right time. Most guys get nervous and start asking questions as a way of staying afloat in the conversation which implies a lack of skill. The right time to ask questions is in the “connect” phase. It is critical that you let her know that you find her interesting, and worth getting to know further. But, only do this when she has indicated an interest in you by asking you questions. When she does this, you know she is “hook”ed. Why else would she ask you a question, unless she wanted you to stay? By baiting her, she is the one to shift the dynamic into the “getting to know you” stage of an interaction rather than you. It is an essential skill to hooking her into the conversation. This technique empowers you out of the traditional question asking dynamic, and into the more interesting exchange of you leading by demonstrating your personality. You come across as more powerful, and less supplicative. Naturals do this all the time… This leads me into the third, and final thing you must cover in order to secure a solid date with a woman you have just met, the “connect” phase.

Connect The “connect” phase of the interaction usually has to be quick, because typically both of you aren’t just available to hang out all afternoon. (If you are, by all means go for it). Communicating With Women Page 78

How do you build a quick connection in this scenario? You build commonalities, or you share real-time experiences. Sharing a real-time experience is usually something you do during a date (in fact, it is the POINT of dating). Usually, when first meeting a woman, you need to build commonalities. Another name for the “connect” phase is “rapport”. There are types of rapport: wide rapport and deep rapport. Deep rapport is where you and she connect by discussing one topic in depth. This can be a very powerful experience for both of you, but when meeting a new person, it is not as effective as wide rapport. Wide rapport is where you cover multiple topics, finding that you have numerous commonalities. So, over the course of 5-10 minutes, you might find that you have common interests in travel, art, photography, the outdoors, and volunteering with children. This is an example of having wide rapport with someone. This is often a very strong indicator of compatibility, and can very easily lead to a date. Having one thing in common (deep rapport) is, again, a very nice thing – but after the interaction, she will correctly wonder, “well, we do have art in common, but what else?” Very often women are not comfortable spending time on a date with a guy with whom she has discovered only one commonality. So, it is important to move from topic to topic in the “connect” phase, to uncover multiple commonalities. As I said before, while in the “connect” phase it is completely appropriate to ask questions. Since you have now passed the “hook point”, she will not be put off by you wondering about her. In fact, by now she has decided that she wants you to ask her questions. So, in my original scenario, it was easy to find a commonality, and in fact, she did ALL of the work: HER: “I love France, I was there recently working, and every time I leave I swear to myself that I will live there some day” ME: “Perhaps as a haiku master…” HER: “Haha – no, I doubt that – there is just something about the country, the language, the passion, that I crave” Communicating With Women Page 79

ME: “Me too – you know, a number of years ago I was on Montmartre and I was walking around – it was a clear morning. I noticed an amazing artists studio overlooking the city. It received beautiful light, and had a nice open room in the middle with a fireplace. This was all I could see as I passed by the window. Anyway, that is my future French home – the one I think about when I think of moving to France – because I do it probably once a week. I love it there too” Presto – we now have two things in common (poetry and France) and have shared our sincere and mutual desire to live overseas. We always had these things in common, but now we know it and have shared it with each other. That is what forms the beginning of a connection. At this point, I can go because I know a phone number and a date are very solid. ME: “Unfortunately, I have to get to a meeting. We never properly met, I am Stephen” HER: “Natalie” ME: “We will have to continue this some other time, when you have had a chance to brush up on your poetry skills and I have a little more time.” HER: “Definitely – let me give you my number…:” Simple, right? Well, on paper it is. In real life, doing the above takes some practice and a sense of spontaneity. To summarize the “connect” phase: build multiple commonalities (at least two in my experience) and avoid the trap of deep rapport. If you’ve been talking about one subject for a while, change the subject, bait, or ask a question to move the conversation forward. With a PLAN of action – these three steps: Engage, Hook & Connect, you can at least rest easy in knowing that you know what to do. The only thing left is to ask for her number. Refer to page 48 for my technique in asking for a phone number.

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Complimenting Another social skill which is VERY important, is the technique of complimenting a woman. A compliment can be very effective in either of the three stages, but particularly in the “hook” and “connect” phase. A great conversational combination is to say something flirtatious, and then follow it up with a revalidating compliment. This is so important because flirting is fun, but if taken too far, displays insecurity. The whole purpose of flirting is to open her up to having a REAL conversation with you – it is a means, not an end. So, if all you do is flirt, an intelligent woman will not take you seriously. She will be expecting you to know when to transition into a more real conversation. A great way to do this is to compliment her. First of all, when complimenting a woman, stay away from her physical appearance, and focus on who she is and what she is demonstrating to you about her personality. For example:

• I am so glad you have a sense of humor. I can’t tell you how boring it is to socialize with people who simply aren’t able to kick back, and poke fun at the ironies of life.



• (If she says something particularly witty) Ok, Ok…now, that was funny….so tell me, was it your mother or father who had such a cool wit, I am interested…or, maybe, like me, you were just made fun of a lot when you were a kid, and had to learn the hard way. (the “like me” part is key – opens you up, shows some vulnerability – see that?”)



• I like your style, it’s clear you have great taste in fashion. So often people wear stylish clothes, but it still comes across as generic. Your look is cool because it is stylish, and it works for your personality. I admire people who have that balance of style and selfawareness.



• You have a cool kind of confidence about you. Sometimes that could mean you have great parents, and a strong family support system. Or, it could mean that you had to fend for yourself a lot when you were younger. Which was it?

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These are different than simply saying something about how nice her skin is, or what beautiful eyes she has. This proves that you are listening and paying attention to who she really is (personality), rather than what she looks like (genetics). This helps differentiate you from the other guys who might be vying for her attention. Also, these kinds of compliments lead into deeper, more “connect”ing topics, where you can get more comfortable with each other. This increases the likelihood that you will see her again. The more you can do this, combined with flirting and teasing, the better. It is a very strong combination. This is very effective during the initial interaction, but also can be used on a date, on the phone, whenever. Use it anytime you feel the need to create a little tension and inject a little humor at the same time. I separate it from the discussion on “Engage/Hook/Connect” as it can really be used in all three areas, and beyond. In summary, try to incorporate these skills into your interactions. If you do, you will find that you are able to not only begin interactions more effectively, but that you are able to hold them and increase the interest and fascination levels as you continue talking and relating. This is critical to your dating success, but it also helps develop ones self-esteem, social circle, business networks, while being very helpful towards maintaining healthy, long-term relationships. Learning how to communicate with a woman is not something to do effectively for just an hour. If you are married for example, and you still talk to her in a way that excites her and brings her into your world, your relationships will be healthier and more positive for you, and for her. Last but not least…PRACTICE and PATIENCE are the keywords when developing social skills. Learning these techniques takes time, and it is not easy. Give yourself time to really learn these, and try not to have expectations of yourself which are unreasonable. This will sabotage your growth and development, and potentially frustrate you out of continuing to practice and learn. A great way to approach learning these is to have a friend who is also along for the ride with you. Then, you can go out together (which is always more fun than going out to practice alone), and give each other pointers and feedback based on what you see each other doing. And last but not least…. Communicating With Women Page 82

HAVE FUN with this. If you aren’t having a good time, you have set the bar for yourself TOO high. Roll with the punches out there, laugh off your mistakes, and keep the focus on enjoying yourself. This is the key to lasting social development. Never forget to laugh.

EXERCISE I want you now to think back over your last 24 hours, and recall any event that could make for an interesting story. If you need to think back over the past week, that is fine too. Just recall the most recent, funny/amazing/interesting/weird thing that happened. Better if it relates to one of the topics listed previously, like: fashion, pop culture, spirituality etc. Whatever it is, write it down in your journals and try to recreate the precise events and convey the emotions and images with words. Then, I want you to practice it out loud. When you do this portion of the exercise, use your body to express certain ideas (without going overboard). Last, work the telling of this story into the next three conversations you have (with ANYONE). Notice the other person’s reactions to all aspects of the story. Do certain things always get a laugh? Are some images harder to demonstrate than others? Pay attention to what works, and what doesn’t. Ultimately, be enthusiastic when you tell the story. Enthusiasm is infective and encourages people to pay attention to you. The listener of a story wants to feel like you are having fun in the telling of it. So, be sure to enjoy the process of relating to the other person, and sharing your story with them.

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Chapter V Communicating With Women Summary Points

Engage, Hook, Connect. Master this simple plan of action and dates with the women of your choosing will be a regular occurrence. Having this plan in place empowers you to own your dating life. You now get to choose. Own the skills of flirting, complimenting, baiting and storytelling. Fill your conversations with these techniques. Know that each of these is designed to empower YOU. If you feel your power slipping away, use one of these tools to get back on track. A man who lives with passion is never short on “material”. Conversation happens as a result of his interest in sharing his life with other people. Games are no longer necessary.

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A Look With Style Page 85

What is your “look”? Your look can be defined as how you regularly choose to present yourself visually to the world. These choices are based upon how you feel about yourself, what environment(s) you expect to inhabit that day, and what you think will give you an advantage in achieving what you want. Subconsciously, we notice how others present themselves, and form impressions on their personality. By making a conscious effort to create and build an empowering look, you help others see you as a successful, confident and attractive person. This is very important in creating lasting, positive, first impressions. Ever notice a rock star on stage? He has a certain look. Like Steven Tyler, or Mick Jagger – these guys look like rock stars. Their clothing is outrageous and grabs your attention. This suits their personality, as well as assists them in doing what they do – entertain. What about the conservative, polished look of a politician, or corporate executive? This look helps them achieve their goals by giving them a powerful, serious presence and a smooth, sophisticated image that commands respect. Part of our one-on-one programs is learning about who you are, and then understanding what your current look is. Many guys have a very average, mainstream look, which doesn’t get them noticed. This is a direct reflection of how they see themselves internally. Their self-image is of a guy who is “part of the crowd”. I was recently visiting some friends on a college campus, and was shocked at how similar everyone looked. There was very little originality of expression. The emphasis was geared toward “fitting-in”. An important aspect of understanding your look is in knowing how you see yourself. When I work with a client, I focus externally, in helping him find a visual presentation that is strong and empowering. But I also spend a lot of time helping him to improve his internal self-image so that he walks away feeling more confident and empowered. It is not enough to throw cool clothes on a guy. He also has to see himself in his own mind as cool and powerful. I cover the internal aspects of being an attractive man in earlier chapters, so I don’t need to go into that again. For now, let’s stick with the topic of our external image, or look.

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Recently, I was out with a client, and we went to some great stores in New York City. First, I asked him to peruse the store and pick out the items he would like to wear. This is an effective way to see inside the mind of someone I am working with. By asking him to go around the store and select things that he felt he would look good in, reveals a lot to me about how he sees himself. He returned about 10 minutes later with some average jeans, a couple of long sleeve button down shirts with wild patterns on them, some snakeskin shoes, and a couple of black belts…oh yeah, and a belt buckle that said “PLAYER”. He smiled, thinking he had just found the coolest stuff in the store. I hated to deliver the bad news... This guy, like so many others, lacks the imagination, confidence and self-awareness which is critical when selecting clothes for our wardrobe. You might be one of those guys out there saying “Hey man, clothes are meaningless, gimme a break, I am here to become a MAN, and get the ladies with what I say, not how I look”. Well, to a degree, you are right. But why not maximize your advantage by both learning powerful communication skills and by getting a “look” that radiates power and success?

Genetically Attractive vs. Physically Attractive Let me say this – looks don’t matter, but, your “look” does. Looks are what our genetics have given us, which we have very little control over. Guys who are blessed with good looks are “genetically attractive”. The fact is though, there are many good-looking guys who struggle with women. I have also met others not so genetically fortunate who have massive success because they understand what looks good on them, and how to present themselves in an attractive way. These guys are said to be “physically attractive”. If you had to choose one over the other, it is FAR better to be physically attractive. These are the guys who understand that they have power over their image and look, and choose to exercise that on a daily basis. By taking care of their look, they communicate class and self-esteem to those they come in contact with. Also, there are plenty of guys out there blessed genetically who go unnoticed because they are totally clueless when it comes to looking cool. A Look With Style Page 87

Time and time again, I meet guys who have great personalities, and have a lot to offer women, but they simply have no idea how to present themselves in a powerful, attractive way. Owning this skill would automatically help them feel better about themselves, filling them with confidence and dramatically increasing their likelihood of success instantly! So, back to my story. I told this client to put the items he selected away, and I went around with him, and started asking questions. His answers led me to believe that he saw himself as “just an average guy”. I have heard this all too often when working with men needing help with their image. They have lost a sense of uniqueness and purpose causing them to accept fitting-in as a way of life. Part of what I love to do with guys is to help them live beyond the small box they have created entitled “my world”. If you want great relationships with quality women you must get your life in order. One of the critical things to do is to think outside of this “box” and build a look that works for you. Leave behind the “average guy” image which only helps you fade into the scenery. By the time the afternoon was over, this guy was shocked, surprised and thrilled. He instantly felt more confident in knowing he looked good, and felt good. His look was coming together! There are three principles to guide your choices when building your look and enhancing your image:

1) Does it help me feel more powerful and confident?



2) Will it help me achieve the aims I strive for in life?



3) Does it work for my body-type and personality?

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EXERCISE What follows are a series of eight questions designed to help you begin to cultivate an empowering and attractive look. I want you to write down the answers to each as you go through this section. As you work through these, keep these three principles in mind. Also, as you brainstorm, try to let go of negativity and judgment allowing your imagination to operate freely. 1) Go to a mirror and notice your body language. What does it communicate about you? 2) What body type are you? Thin? Medium build? Muscular? Overweight? Phrase this as a one or two word answer. 3) Thumb through a men’s magazine, which fashion ads grab your attention? Why? What about the look of the men in the pictures grabs your attention? 4) Imagine a scenario where you are successful in the workplace, or in your career. What are you wearing, how is your posture, and what is your “vibe”? Confident & assured? Meek & timid? Be honest. 5) Imagine a scenario where you are going out on the town with the woman of your dreams. You are arm in arm headed to a concert perhaps, or a show. You are both very comfortable and happy with each other. What are you wearing, how is your posture, and what is your “vibe”? Again, confident & assured? Meek & timid? Something in between? 6) Use your imagination and determine what type of look you picture yourself in. Is it casual? Dressed up in suits? Preppy? Dressed down in the latest streetwear? Consider your day-to-day life, and what image you need to project to fulfill your aims. See yourself successfully achieving these goals, and notice the look you embody. 7) Consider the roles you play daily that impact your style. Are you an executive? A student? A DJ? A Prince? Use your common sense. If you are stuck, think of someone whose clothes you like, someone that you think dresses stylishly and conveys the A Look With Style Page 89

right things with their look. At the same time look at yourself and be honest. Will it work for you? Let’s use our examples from before. I love the way Mick Jagger and Steven Tyler dress, but realistically, I would not look good prancing around in scarves and leather pants! However, if that is your style, great, then go for it. The key here guys, is to know what you want and what will work for you. 8) Last, who do you look like? Do you look like Mick Jagger? Do you look like Tom Cruise? When considering your style, an obvious thing to do is to simply consider WHO you look like, and work with that. (PS – pick people who also look good, and who fit your body type) A friend of mine has people running up to him left and right telling him he looks like Pierce Brosnan. He wears very sharply made suits and he looks great. Notice that he doesn’t wear loose-fitting, street styles as that wouldn’t necessarily go well with his genetic appearance and vibe. These eight questions are both an overview of the essential matters to building your look and an effective means in pointing you in the right direction as you begin. They provide the necessary balance of imagination and reality. With this information in mind, you can begin to get a sense of what look you want to cultivate. You may want to enlist some help with this process, by asking friends about your body language or for feedback on how certain styles look on you.

Body Language Body language is a direct window into how we see ourselves internally. I can read anyone like a book based on their body language and the clothing that they wear. What we are striving for is an upright posture that evokes confidence and strength. Ever seen an Olympic athlete, wearing the gold medal, listening to his nation’s anthem? Or, notice film actors such as Russell Crowe or George Clooney. They all embody strong, powerful body language. These are great images to keep in mind as you begin to learn about your own body language, and what you can do to improve it. Try to pay attention to your body language throughout the day. Do your shoulders slouch? Do you lean your body forward a lot? If you can remember, try to notice how your body is positioned throughout the day, and begin to make adjustments towards better spinal alignment. You might even ask others for feedback on what their impresA Look With Style Page 90

sion of you is, simply based on your posture. If you need to, seek help from a trainer or physical therapist to correct posture problems. Also, pilates and yoga are great for overall posture and flexibility. Incidentally, it is much better to focus on your body language now rather that waiting for your next date. Try to form new habits when you are in low pressure situations. Then, when you are out having fun with a woman, you won’t need to even think about your posture. Being an attractive man means being autonomous. The autonomous man has his life together and his look is polished. He radiates power and success, and is filled with confidence wherever he goes. There is no pretending about him, he is powerfully himself.

What to buy? How to buy? I can already hear some of you guys out there shouting – “Yeah, it would be nice to go out and buy a bunch of sweet clothing, but I don’t have the money for that – getting a cool look costs an arm and a leg, so forget it!”. Most guys make the common mistake of thinking they need bags of money to look great. This is not entirely true. What is more valuable that loads of cash is some imagination and persistence. Let me explain… First, you don’t have to go to Bergdorf or Barneys to look great. These stores certainly have a great selection of quality clothing, but with a little persistence, you can find great items at discount outlets, clearance sales, and second hand stores. These places offer designer fashions for sometimes less than you would pay for the generic labels you might be wearing right now! You would be amazed at what can be found at these places - clothes that you never thought you could afford for less than what you’ve been paying all along. Look in your community and see if there are any discount outlet stores where you can shop. In New York we go to Filene’s Basement, Century 21, Daffy’s, DSW (Discount Show Warehouse) and Marshalls. Also, many cities have entire outlet malls that offer A Look With Style Page 91

good deals. On the web you could go to bluefly.com, yoox.com, or even eBay (that’s right – eBay!) to find stylish, discount clothing. There are also many tailors on the internet where you can send in your measurements and get custom shirts for less than $80 each. Examples are Jantzentailor.com, mytailor.com, and landsend.com. By far the best deals you will find are in vintage clothing shops or second-hand thrift stores. Although these places require a little more persistence as you dig through the piles of clothing. Keep in mind that the deals to be found will make up for it. Ideally, you want to go for higher quality goods, not quantity (while staying within your budget). Something of higher quality will last in the long run and be cheaper if you value the piece as cost-per-wear. For example, if you buy a well made coat for $500 and you wear it often over a few years, it will end up being cheaper than a coat for $150 that you will need to replace in two years’ time. Be a discerning shopper and limit impulse buys. When you buy an article of clothing see it as an investment that you will wear for a few years. Now that you know how to shop and where to shop, the only obstacle left is choosing what you wish to buy. This will take some effort and imagination from you individually, as each guy is different, with unique tastes and proportions. Each of you has a different vibe, which should directly impact your style and look. I can’t give you a specific answer on what to buy, because you will all end up looking the same. However, as you begin the process of enhancing your wardrobe, remember the three guiding principles I covered earlier to help you with your choices. As a reminder, they are:

1) Does it help me feel more powerful and confident?



2) Will it help me achieve the aims I strive for in my life?



3) Does it work for my body-type and personality?

These are great to use when making decisions about potential purchases, and combinations as well as when considering overall themes you wish to embody. They also help to save you from any whimsical, emotionally charged purchases destined to ruin both your wardrobe and your wallet.

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Incidentally, a great reference for contemporary styles is men’s fashion magazines. These will not only show you the current season’s offerings from designers, they will also show you how to wear the clothes and how to mix and match them together. After a while your eye for what looks good will sharpen, and you’ll know exactly what looks good on you and what does not. Some good ones are GQ, Esquire and Men’s Vogue.

Hair Styles Before I conclude this chapter, lets cover some of the basics on hair styles, grooming and cologne. On the topic of hair styles, it is baffling to see guys dress cool and simultaneously have blatantly boring and cheap haircuts. I know guys that will spend over $100 on a shirt, and only $10 on a haircut. Obviously something isn’t right… What I do from time to time is go all out and use the best hairstylist in town. I found one in New York City where 90% of their business is cutting the hair of models for photo shoots. Do you think they know what is contemporary, and what looks the best? These stylists have to be up-to-date on the latest trends, and will give you a great haircut that accentuates your best facial features. Whenever I am considering a new style for myself, I go to this salon. It does cost more money, but I always walk away with a fresh style that works. For the next few cuts I will go to a place that charges a quarter of the price, keeping the same style that I received at the more expensive salon. This is a great way to be fashionable on a tight budget. If you are looking for ideas, check out some magazines and soap operas – that’s right, soap operas. These are a great resource for current hair styles, as they are designed to appeal to the women who watch them…

Grooming Making a strong visual impression not only requires being well dressed, but also being well groomed. I have already covered haircuts, but what about the rest of your body? A Look With Style Page 93

Be sure to keep the rest of your body hair in check. This advice is critical, regardless of how good looking you are, or how much of a smooth talker you may be. Poor grooming will reduce your chances with women. You would be surprised at how many guys are clueless when it comes to good grooming habits. At the very least, you must trim your nose hairs once a week, trim your fingernails once a week, and toenails once every two weeks. If you have ear hair, the same thing, trim them once a week. Make sure to trim any chest hair sticking out of the collar of any crew-neck shirts you might wear. For you guys with one big eyebrow, cut it in half! Go to a salon to get it done if you must. If your look is clean-cut, be sure to keep your facial hair neat and trimmed every day. Make the extra effort and you will go a long way to improving and enhancing your image. Also, it is important for the health and appearance of your hair and skin to purchase products that are specific to you. For example, if you have naturally dry hair buy a shampoo and conditioner made especially for dry hair. If you have oily skin, buy a toner or face wash that corrects that.

Colognes The best, or “right” fragrance for you is based on your individual preference, as well as what works for your “type”. Your “type” in the area of cologne and fragrance is found in the chemical make-up of your skin. How good a fragrance smells on you is a result of the chemical mixture between the fragrance and the oils in your skin. Smelling tester cards at Sephora and magazine fold-outs will tell you close to nothing about a fragrance. You must wear the fragrance to truly know its scent ON YOU. Some fragrances might turn sour when mixed with your oils, while others might turn sweet. The key is to find a fragrance that smells great on your skin throughout the day. So, how do we do this? The best way to go about choosing a scent that works for you is to get free samples. A Look With Style Page 94

Most men don’t realize that all department stores and fragrance shops have tons of FREE samples on hand. All you have to do is ask for them. To get an idea of what you would like, you have to know what type of scent you are looking for. The 4 main families of colognes are:

1) Woodsy



2) Fresh



3) Citrus



4) Spicy

As a rule, men should have two fragrances: one for special occasions and one for daily use. For the nighttime, I suggest a heavier, woodsy scent like Jean Paul Gaultier, Le Male. And for everyday use, wear something light and refreshing like Polo Sport. When you are in the store, start by smelling a few of the tester cards to see which fragrances you would like to try. Then select 3 to 4 to take home to sample. Test them out over an entire day and see how it works with your skin. Be wary if it fades quickly or turns sour. Hopefully, the scent will smell better when worn. Periodically check your skin to see how strong the fragrance is, as endurance is key. Nothing is worse than dropping $75 on cologne that fades away before you even step out of your house. Ultimately, YOU have to be satisfied with your choice. If you have any questions, or want a second opinion, feel free to ask the other shoppers. They will most likely be female, and it just might lead to an interesting conversation. The most powerful sense that we have is the sense of smell. Memories, and their entire emotional palette, can be triggered by the sense memory of smell. If you can create lasting, positive emotions in a woman, and connect those with a scent, she will forever remember those wonderful emotions when re-experiencing that smell. Do you realize now how important it is that you consider your scent with intelligence? It can only help you, and why not give life your best shot? A Look With Style Page 95

Looking your best should be something that you try for all the time, everyday. Think of each day as a new opportunity to meet someone new, you would want to look your best, right? Truthfully, we never know when we are going to meet someone new. Who knows when you will feel inspired to strike up a conversation with a stranger or be introduced to a potential romantic interest? You need to be prepared. Everything about your look represents a choice you have made. If you wear only denim, that is a choice. If you always wear a coat and tie, that is a choice. If you pay no attention to your uni-brow and leave it on your forehead, that is a choice! If you take a conscious approach to your look, your impression on others will improve greatly. You will be seen as someone who cares about themselves, and who takes responsibility for their appearance. Remember the idea of security, and its value to women? Can you see how paying attention to these details dramatically helps to convey this? Project your “best” into the world, and it will return to you…

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Chapter VI A Look With Style Summary Points You have no control over your genetics. You do, however, have control over your appearance. There is a difference between being genetically attractive and physically attractive. Men who take the time to cultivate an empowering image are physically attractive. They are the ones who “get the girl”. Remember the three principles for creating an empowering look. Ultimately, you have to trust your instincts, and go with how you feel. If you see yourself in the mirror, and say “yes”, that’s your cue you’re on the right track. Our clothes, hair style, grooming choices & fragrance all reflect choices we do or do not make. If you want to be attractive to women, make empowering, healthy, masculine choices and you will promote that image in the world.

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Living With Passion Page 97

If you walk away from this book with one, and only one, thought in your mind, let it be this: A man who lives his life passionately pursuing his goals, and living life to the fullest, will have little trouble being successful with women. The results of his efforts will be secondary to the joy of the process of living.

Men who live with passion, and are determined to make a difference in their chosen career path, are the ones who find happiness in life and in relationships. They also inspire the people around them to higher achievement and fulfillment. Imagine a great teacher from your past. I recall my tenth grade English teacher who loved teaching, and enjoyed every day with us. He made the learning process fun, and was a dynamic lecturer. He was engaging to us because he loved what he was doing, and he filled our classroom with this passion. Many of you might be thinking, “hey listen man, I hear you, but, my job is all I’ve got and I can’t leave it to go into teaching, or saving refugees or nothing, OK?” Well, let me clarify something – many of us find our career/job unsatisfying. This may be the result of past challenges, bad luck, or just an unfortunate decision along your career path. Not everyone is Richard Branson, madly loving his work and career. So, NO, I do not suggest that you walk immediately into your boss’ office and resign, then rush off to the nearest Greenpeace office. What I am suggesting is that you take a realistic look at your life, and ask yourself this simple question:

Are you happy? If you had to hesitate, are confused, don’t know, or answered “no”, let’s examine that. A guy who is unhappy and unfulfilled will probably struggle with women. What I discovered after talking to a lot of men over the years is that many falsely hope that women will bring them happiness. Then they will focus on the other “stuff”. This illustrates the classic problem of placing the cart before the horse. By now you should understand WHY this doesn’t work. An unattractive life, filled Living With Passion Page 98

with negative emotions, is female-repellant! If you are unhappy, NO woman will fix this for you. In fact, this attitude is a fast way to a damaging and unhealthy relationship. No one is responsible for your happiness except YOU. To combat it you must get actively involved in taking responsibility for your own happiness and fulfillment. When I moved out of Project Hollywood a few years ago, I was miserable. I realized some months later that I had allowed myself to foolishly buy into the idea that a woman could make me happy, which is why I had been chasing them so diligently. Only after taking some time off from “the game” did I realize that I needed to take responsibility for my own happiness and life, and that getting girlfriend would happen as a result of that. I dropped all games, and devoted my energy to the art of living happily. You know what? I was right. Only after I really committed to taking responsibility for my life, my actions and my feelings, did I meet the right woman for me (and I definitely did, I assure you). Some of you may not suffer this dynamic at its extreme. But, I bet there are areas in your life which do feel unfulfilled or unsatisfied. What I am about to discuss is how to live with more passion, balance and harmony. This is the essential element to building an attractive and meaningful lifestyle. It is a discussion any guy can benefit from. I want to cover this in three separate sections:

• Lifestyle



• Balance



• Service

Lifestyle Lifestyle is our first topic. Let’s assume that you are like most people, feeling somewhat trapped in your job and you wake up grumpy in the mornings trying to find the energy to head out to “the office”. This job serves you in some way, otherwise you wouldn’t have it. It could just be a paycheck to you. In fact the majority of people see Living With Passion Page 99

their jobs as a necessary evil, and not as a place to express their intelligence and creativity. There are two things though that you have massive control over right now that I am going to discuss. The first is your attitude. If you hate your job, you are forgetting that you are lucky to have one, and that you could spend that “hateful” energy in a positive way by looking for another job, or changing your career path! Make sense? I am not sure why, but most of us out there lose sight of what we have in favor of being resentful at what we do NOT have. Amazing, but true. If you REALLY hate your job, find another one. If you hate your career, take action and become self-employed or go back to school. Yes, these things take time, but it is remarkable to witness the power of change in one’s attitude when they simply make a decision to begin this process. If this describes you, take stock of this and formulate a plan of action that works for you. Don’t, for example, make the mistake of quitting your job before you have another one! Don’t add the negative emotion of financial insecurity (anxiety) to your plate. Be intelligent and put yourself into action. Find gratitude for the current job that feeds, clothes and shelters you. If you like and are fulfilled with your work, you are in the minority, and I congratulate you. The key is to have a positive attitude on a daily basis: to see the glass half full, rather than half-empty. If you don’t like your current reality, take action to change it. Empower yourself by stepping out of the victim role, and taking action as soon as you finish this book! Right now, I want you to finish this phrase: I would be happy if and only if ____________________________________. What you wrote in the blank is currently in charge of your attitude. Can you simply decide to be happy in spite of this circumstance? If you can, you can reassume real power in your life. No thing, person, or place truly owns the rights to your happiness. They can only have it if you have chosen to give that to them. Take it back… The other area that you have control over is how you spend the rest of your time. What Living With Passion Page 100

do you do when you aren’t banging away at the office computer all day? Are you a couch potato? Are you out of shape? Do you have an active social circle? Are you involved in any hobbies? Most of us spend our free time haphazardly, and we call it “spontaneity” or “relaxing”. I do not suggest that you manage your time down to the second. But, I am suggesting that you use this time to encourage more happiness and joy in your daily lives. If you are a great cook, throw a dinner party to revitalize your social circle. If you love to swim, join a swim club at the local gym. Perhaps you love sports – get involved in a local league that is gender-mixed. The outlets for your interests are countless. It might require a little imagination, but you must get involved in the world if you want to bring more positive emotions into your life. To bring it back to our primary aim, this is more ATTRACTIVE to women. Also, by being out in the world, you meet more women with similar interests. The fringe benefits to being active and involved in the world are a sense of meaning and connection. Every man deserves this and is responsible for taking the necessary actions to create this reality. One exercise that I give my clients is to write out exactly how much time they spend doing what. I call this the time inventory. I encourage you to do the same. I advise you to do this for a solid week, and be brutally honest with yourself too. Writing down how you spend your time will reveal to you what activities you do throughout the day which provide positive emotions, and which provide negative emotions. Try removing, one-by-one, those activities which produce negative emotions, and replace them with ones that produce positive emotions. The more you do this, the more power you assume over your lifestyle, self-esteem and emotional life. This exercise has helped a lot of men, and it can definitely help you too. To summarize about lifestyle, the facts really speak for themselves. When you are next outside, notice the couples walking hand in hand down the street. How do you think they met? Close to 95% met via their social circle. Enhancing your lifestyle is THE best way to grow your social circle. By engaging in activities which interest you, and by deleting those activities which only drag you down, you will naturally meet more people with whom you share commonalities. These women will be much more appropriate for relationships. Growing your social circle, and developing a meaningful lifestyle is far more productive than hitting the bars and “picking-up chicks”. Living With Passion Page 101

You wanna hear it short and sweet? What follows are the Cliff-Notes for this ebook: Go do the things you really want to do, and then meet the other people there doing it with you… It is really that simple.

Balance So many people live a life that is out of balance, spending a dominant portion of their time and energy “on the job”. Balancing work and “other” time is critical because it allows other parts of your personality to come forward and be expressed. It gives more of a variety of experiences to draw from when relating to other people, as well as providing other outlets to meet people enhancing your social circle. It is also healthier. People who live more balanced lives are happier, as all parts of their personalities experience fulfillment. Do I need to convince you more? In my experience, the eight areas of life that need to be balanced are:

• Career/Work – In the ideal world, we all love our work. In the real world, we do not. Find a way to be grateful for your job, and useful. You will spend a lot of time at work, better to have a positive experience while there. If you feel lost on your career path seek help. There are many books that are very insightful and inspiring.



• Creativity – This is where hobbies are important. Perhaps you are an artist? Find time to create. A great hobby is photography. You can do it as you walk through your neighborhood. It is also a great way to meet people, and to share experiences with others through your photos. There are countless others. What appeals to you?



• Finance – It is very important that you both have your current finances in order, and that you are building for the future. If you don’t have a solid plan, seek Living With Passion Page 102

out a financial planner. If you have debt, take steps today to begin pulling out of that debt. Debt is an epidemic in this country, and can serve to drastically slow you down in life, and force you to take jobs that you may not truly want. Take an honest look at your finances asap and commit to a plan of action, if you don’t have one already.

• Health & Fitness – Get in shape and stay in shape. There is no substitute for a great diet either. These are critical for living a healthy, balanced life. People who eat right and are in shape have better attitudes than those who do not. If your body feels better, you will feel better.



• Social – You need to spend time with your friends, relaxing and socializing. It is very important to have an active social life, as it keeps you connected and involved with the world. Also, having fun and sharing laughs helps you recharge intellectually and emotionally. Without an active social life, people tend towards depression and isolation.



• Family – This can be sensitive for some people who experienced difficulties with their parents when they were younger. Your family can be a great source of comfort and connection, as well being supportive through difficult times. It is common for people to feel challenged in their family lives. However, growing through these challenges forges character and integrity.



• Companionship & Intimacy – Ultimately, every person deserves a lasting, meaningful relationship. It can be both nurturing and challenging. Ultimately, it serves to help us be open to another person, and understand the nature of intimacy and love. Intimate relationships are important in any person’s development. The result is a greater sense of ourselves, and a more fulfilling and happy life. Most of you reading this book are probably looking for this.



• Austerity – Lastly, each of us needs time alone. This is when we recharge and connect with ourselves, and our purpose. Perhaps this is when we indulge in our hobbies, or when we practice daily meditation. Spending time alone helps us reenter the world feeling refreshed and connected.

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Find outlets for your interests and then pursue them. If you feel that one or more of these categories are missing, creatively brainstorm ways to bring this into balance by taking some action. Perhaps you would benefit from taking a meditation class. Or, pick-up that novel you have wanted to read, but denied yourself. Hobbies are great, as are activities and events. Look out for the social calendars in your neighborhood. Here in New York City we have The Village Voice that is a free weekly publication. It lists all of the film, theater, music, nightlife and special events for the week. Also, in this current internet age, there are countless resources online that can help you get inside information on the events in your home town. Being out of balance is common, unnecessary and easily resolved. Use these tips, and get active!

Service This leads me nicely into the final area of discussion when it comes to living with passion. The ultimate way to fulfillment and happiness is to get involved with service. There are thousands of different ways to give back to your community, and to your fellow man that go way beyond sending in donations to charity organizations. Think back for a moment to the purpose you defined at the beginning of this book. I hope you took the suggestion to involve service in its theme. If you desire something in your world, or in your life, you must offer it first. Attractive men are secure, and selfless. Let’s begin with that job you hate so much. Rather than seeing it as a place to get a paycheck, why not try to do a little extra and help others. I know, I know, they are all selfish people and there is no way you, in your right mind, would want to give a little extra to them. If you really feel this way, can you see now how much power they have over you? If something is in direct command of your daily happiness, if has A LOT of power of you! If you were able to adopt an attitude of service, you might find that they don’t seem as bad as you originally thought, and you feel happier and more grateful in the process. Go the extra mile, it can only help you. Or, with your free time, why not offer some time at a local men’s shelter or soup kitchen? Go to any hospital or related facility, walk through the doors, and tell the people Living With Passion Page 104

at the desk that you would like to sign-up for their volunteer program. These facilities are usually starved for extra help, and will welcome you with open arms. You could also sign-up to help organize local events, in particular, charitable events. They always need people to help them, and you might just meet some great people in the process. Do you see family time as a chore, or as a way to give time, companionship and love? I heard a wise man once say that, “encountering the family with hostility and resentment is a poison unto me; approaching the family with love and service serves to purify, if nothing else, myself and my world.” I will leave it at that. The principal I want you to grasp here is that “you get what you give”. If you want people to be involved in your life, give them your involvement. If you want a relationship, you better learn how to give of yourself. Cultivating an open, generous and passionate lifestyle will serve you ten times more than any “line” in the book. It will do the work for you.

Honesty & Romance The last item I want to discuss is about honesty and romance. Honesty and romance have a hard time of it in this world, and I feel that men need to take the lead in bringing them back in vogue. You might be wondering why is it I put them together? Let me tell you a story… A few evenings ago, I was hanging out with a couple of female friends. We were chatting before turning in for the evening. One of them, whom I didn’t know so well, kept mentioning her husband. As I usually do, I asked her how they met. She proceeded to tell me the following story: I was out having dinner with my good friend Marcy, complaining about my love life, when a cute guy walked past our table. I said to her, “now, why couldn’t I meet a good-looking guy like that”. He never heard me, but we did catch each other’s eye when he sat down. A while later, Marcy excused herself to go to the ladies’ room. I was left sitting alone, when he approached Living With Passion Page 105

the table. I was shocked! He was nervous, but I admired him for at least coming over to talk to me. He asked for my number and email, and, quite rare for me, I gave it to him! He phoned a couple of times over the next week asking me to dinner. I refused both times, because my dog was sick. Seriously. And, frankly, I did not feel comfortable meeting up with this guy because I didn’t really know him, right? Well, he goes away for five months to work in London. But, get this, each week he would email me poetry. That’s right – poetry – and I love poetry. This went on for weeks, and slowly, we began to have an email correspondence about art, poetry, and the like. He returned to NYC, and called me again for a date. I agreed, but still I was a bit uncomfortable – I mean, this guy had been sending me poetry for five months! He could have been a creep, right?! Well, we sat down, and within 10 minutes I knew he was the one. We fell in love. He totally romanced me” This man felt something passionately within him. He chose to write poetry to honestly express this passion to the woman he loved. He did so in a powerful way (and once a week!) and the honesty wore down her resistance, while simultaneously touching her emotionally. She was fascinated by him, and so impressed with his words that she had to meet him. He felt and communicated such a clear intent to her, that she could only see him as a potential partner or completely reject him. He left her no middle ground. The rest is history… There is something amazingly powerful about honesty – about the true revelation of who you are, and what you feel. I do not suggest you do this unless you really feel it is true for you. But notice the principle here: inspiration - action. What stands in the way of you really living like this? There is nothing more romantic and freeing than an honest expression of yourself in that moment. In fact, it is the BEST way to relate with women. The best “lines” are the most honest ones. The best relationships are cultivated by a painstaking devotion to being honest to the person you are with. Add to this the flair for romance, and you have a wonderful, powerfully human way to shower women with love and affection. This is what most guys want to be able to do. They want to be as free as the man described above to express themselves with such honesty, and such a willingness to fail. The biggest mistake most guys make is that they never try with honesty, and therefore, they never honestly succeed.

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The only barometer for your success is, how do you feel? Do you feel liberated, happy, joyous? Or, do you feel like you simply are not stepping up to the plate? Ultimately, you are the one who must live with you. THAT relationship is the most important one in your life. Treat yourself to what you deserve by taking actions to grow and enhance the scope and meaning of your life. It is only through this honest expansion and growth that you will meet women who are truly “right” for you. If you can incorporate the topics from this book, you will get a girlfriend. She will have things in common with you, she will be attractive, she will value you, she will like and love you, she will look forward to spending time with you, and she will go the extra mile for you. Why? Because the guy we just discussed is already giving that to her. Be honest with yourself, and be honest with the world. Love yourself, and be loving with the world. If you can achieve that simple axiom, you will find love and contentment outside of yourself, by first finding it within yourself.

EXERCISE Short and sweet: Each day, do something anonymously helpful to someone else. Once you do it, you are not to speak of it to anyone EVER. Acts of service are not to be flaunted. It could be as simple as helping an old lady across the street, to making anonymous financial gifts to your favorite local theater company. These actions may seem insignificant, but over time you will see how they impact YOU. Acts of service tend to encourage us to seek opportunities to give, transforming the lens through which we observe the world.

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Chapter VII Living With Passion Summary Points Are you happy? If you have to think about your answer, or answer “no”, the time is NOW to take serious action. Cultivate a lifestyle which gives you positive emotions, and encourages you out of the downward spiral of negativity. Balance is essential to masculinity. Our job as men is to keep all the balls in the air simultaneously, not once allowing one to drop. Allowing any area of life to dominate is a symptom of insecurity. Preserve the balance, and all areas of your life can become a source of passion and happiness. Service is the final, and most important topic in the book. The ability to be selfless is essential to a good relationship. If a woman sees that you have this skill, she will see you as someone she can trust, and respect.

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Conclusion: A Story Page 109

I recently connected with a guy who, one year earlier, had emailed me desperate for help in getting his old girlfriend back. I gave him the same advice I would give anyone: “Meet ten new women before you call her back. If you meet ten women, and you still feel an unstoppable desire to call your ex, then call her. Until then though, no contact.” His reply was expected, “how do I meet ten women??”. I sent him the draft version of this book as my reply. He read it, and recently sent me the following note. I copy it here as it might help you understand the learning curve that awaits you. “Dear Stephen, Good news: I have a new girlfriend. Remember me? I wrote you that desperate email last year wondering how I could get my ex back. I was completely broken over it, and you suggested I meet 10 new women to resolve the problem. I wasn’t expecting that at all. In fact, I was hoping you would say to call her. Needless to say, I never called her, nor did I even think about her after I did my 10 approaches. I was terrified to start meeting new women. I really didn’t want to put in the effort – period, end of story. I was filled with self-pity, and was scared of being alone. I am a pretty macho guy, and have always prided myself on being “larger than life”. Unfortunately, during this dark period, I felt pretty small and depressed. Anyway, I read your ebook a few weeks after I wrote to you. At first, I thought it was useful and smart, but couldn’t help me – my problems were “different”. About a month of misery changed that, so I reread the book. I did the exercises as prescribed, and added to your list the 10 approaches you prescribed. Almost immediately, I felt my depression lift as I became invested in achieving my purpose – which was to make Managing Director at the Firm where I work (a reasonable goal, since I was already a VP, but I pushed to make it one year sooner than usual – which I did!). I started working with more focus, and started playing that way too. My vibe TOTALLY changed – it was slow, but steady. I never realized I was needy before! Women that never used to notice me at the office, started chatting me up any chance they got. It was crazy – and I wasn’t even trying.

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One day after work, I was walking out the building. After reading your ebook, I found that I was naturally chatty, I could talk to anyone. Just toss out the “bait” and watch them pounce! Anyway, I was chatting on the elevator with some buddies, when this gorgeous girl got on the floor below us. My friends clammed up immediately, but I just continued talking. She was immediately engaged, and started talking to us – WOW. Next, I threw out some playful baiting. At first, she hesitated, but I just kept going – my instincts told me to go for it. As we walked off of the elevator, my friends laid back to give me some room (hehe, that was almost the best part). I just kept chatting, and she opened up – amazing. We walked each other out the front door, and went right into connect. After chatting a bit, I had to run – so I did, but not before arranging lunch with her. Anyway, to make a long story short, we had lunch, then went out again, then dated, and quickly fell in love – seriously. I realize now that I had always come from a place of need, and never from a place of power. Coming from this place of power enabled me to really trust me, and her. I plan to propose to her, and formally make her my wife. I am so happy you sent me that book, it totally changed my life (seriously) and led me to the girl of my dreams. Gratefully yours, Nick Long Island, NY” * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * My wish for How To Get A Girlfriend is to show you how you can take charge and be responsible for your own success with women, and in life. So many guys feel that dating and relationships boil down to good-looks and luck. This is not true. If you can implement these simple, yet challenging, principles, success with women will literally land on your doorstep. You will transform yourself into an attractive man. I am not a big believer in the game of “pick-up”. Having been featured in Neil Strauss’ book “The Game”, I know the hazards of playing with women.

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I have seen many guys lose themselves in this activity, becoming lesser versions of what they could be. I believe in understanding women, and in presenting myself to them in a powerful and attractive way. This means living life to the fullest, naturally meeting many women and attracting them via my attitude, social skills and lifestyle. This is the BEST way. As I covered in Chapter V, I also feel it is important to have an aptitude for meeting new women without the benefit of a common social connection. If you see a woman who is attractive and interesting to you, you now have a plan for meeting her in a comfortable way (engage, hook, connect). In conclusion, let me offer my sincerest thanks for your time and trust. I hope you have found this book informative and helpful. My final challenge to you is to take responsibility for everything that you feel, think and do. It is you that is creating the reality you currently inhabit, and it is you (and only you) who can change that. If you can accept that challenge and combine that with a sincere willingness to try out the concepts I outline in this book, you will have no problem meeting women, dating them, and ultimately having healthy, long-term relationships. This change starts with a decision. That decision is:

Are you willing now to take full ownership for ALL areas of your life? The willingness begins it….and hard, patient work finishes it. What will it be for you? Your friend,

Stephen Nash Cutting-Edge Image Consulting P.S. You may have been tempted to skim through the ebook, missing exercises and skipping through to the chapters that are of most interest to you. Please take it from someone who knows, go back... and re-read this book in it’s entirety - don’t cheat yourself! Conclusion: A Story Page 112

RESOURCES Cutting Edge Image Consulting Cutting Edge Image Consulting Blog http://www.how-to-get-a-girlfriend.com

Natural Attraction 7-Day Audio Coaching Program http://www.how-to-get-a-girlfriend.com/audio-program

Personal Coaching with Stephen Nash http://www.how-to-get-a-girlfriend.com/1-on-1-coaching/

Cutting Edge Podcast http://www.how-to-get-a-girlfriend.com/podcast

DVD Series http://www.how-to-get-a-girlfriend.com/dvd-series/

David DeAngelo Meeting Women Online http://www.how-to-get-a-girlfriend.com/onlinedating

Resources Page 113

RESOURCES

The Way of the Superior Man by David Deida

Blue Truth by David Deida

Dressing the Man: Mastering the Art of Permanent Fashion by Alan Flusser

The Red Queen by Matt Riley

Resources Page 114

RESOURCES

The Game by Neil Strauss

Swingers

Tao of Steve

Hitch

Resources Page 115

RESOURCES

The Great Escape

Thunderball

Resources Page 116

© 2007 Cutting Edge Image Consulting No reproduction of any kind without permission. Resources Page 117