Germanic

GERMANIC A Novel by K’Anne Meinel SmashWords Edition Published by: K’Anne Meinel on Smashwords Copyright © K’Anne Meinel October 2011 GERMANIC Smashwords Edition License Notes: This eBook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This eBook may not be resold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each person you share it with. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then you should return to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the author’s work.

K’Anne Meinel is available for comments at [email protected] as well as on Facebook and Twitter if you would like to follow her to find out stories and book’s releases. Being ‘outed’ in front of my family was not in my plans. It certainly wasn’t a fun way to spend this Saturday. It certainly was a surprise to all of us but especially to me as I had thought that my being a lesbian was a carefully guarded secret, not that some of them hadn’t suspected from time to time but it was more of a ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ type of situation. Maybe I should go a little farther back though and explain from the beginning... I was bored, simply bored. For years I had played at being the quintessential housewife and mother. I so wasn’t either but I played at it. My sons were grown, now in colleges of their choices, my marriage had disappeared years ago, and I was running my husband’s companies which I hated in the first place. It was time for a change. Since my husband hadn’t lived with us in say seven years now I started divorce proceedings based on abandonment. I asked for

everything. The lawyers said I would be lucky to get half. Wisconsin you see is a no-fault state. Everything is split down the middle. Since the middle was part of my contribution I felt I should get it all. Caleb had done nothing to contribute but be there at the beginning, part of the insemination process, and just when I was building up something for us; he took the money and ran. It wasn’t just me that he abandoned though. He abandoned two little boys that needed him, needed a male figure in their life, and needed a father. They didn’t get any of that and I did the best I could to make it up to them. I made sure each had a trust fund so they could go to college and start out debt-free. I made sure their father or as I now refer to him the ‘sperm donor’ couldn’t touch those sacred funds, because we all knew he would, if he could. It took forever and a sympathetic judge but I got him on abandonment. He left us, he left the houses, he left the cars, and he left the businesses. I got it all when I was finished with the courts. I then proceeded to sell it all one piece at a time. It was quite a chunk of change if I do say so myself. I kept a house here in town so the boys had somewhere to escape to when they came ‘home’ to town. It also allowed me to

store those things I had inherited from my side of the family. Caleb’ things I gave away, sold, or burned. I no longer cared and I certainly wasn’t going to store them indefinitely until he came out from under some rock. The really sad part for me, he didn’t know how badly I had screwed him in the divorce, he might never know. If he knew how much I got alone for the companies I had built up he would have been on my doorstep in a heartbeat hand held out and expecting his ‘fair share.’ Thank goodness none of the newspaper advertisements I had to place had gotten him to show up for the divorce. Yes, I could have hired a private investigator to look for him, but at this point, and given how much I stood to have after the divorce, why should I? He didn’t deserve the courtesy of giving him half the wealth I had accumulated for both of us. I’d done the hard work, why should he benefit from it in any way? I invested the funds in a way that would support me very nicely the rest of my life with room to play. Quite a lot of room to play when I wished, I decided it was time for me to play. I hadn’t been many places in this country but growing up in Oconomowoc, Wisconsin I knew there was a whole new world out there for me and I was going to find it. I applied for a passport,

got a few new credit cards-just in case, and I subscribed to a phone that had international capabilities. I set up automatic payment for my phone, for my credit cards, for my gas, power, and electric and I was ready to go. But where to go? Back in the dinosaur age, better known as the high school years I took 3 1/2 years of student German. I had family in Germany. Some I had even met. Maybe it was time to go back to my roots. Nothing was keeping me here, so why the hell not? In reflecting out the window as I flew out of my country and on to my future, I realized the woman next to me was kind of grossing me out. It was that she had a bit of body odor. Okay, okay, you think I’m exaggerating? We had cows back in Wisconsin that smelled sweeter. I was miserable and never so glad to touch down in Germany as I was. I felt like screaming ‘let me outta here, let me outta here’ but no, I played the sophisticate and calmly followed the herd out of the plane. As I read the signs (thank goodness they were in both German and English and was that French?), I found the way to the baggage area and collected my two cases. Turning around I could see where people were being met but I had to go through customs first. I bravely stepped up to the

line. The clerk was very helpful and spoke English (thank God, I wasn’t ready to try out my very bad student German). I told her I was here for a visit with my family, had nothing to declare (I didn’t watch TV shows for nothing) and I expected to be here for a month. She kinda laughed at me but I guess I looked and acted okay, she stamped my passport and I could go through. Holding up a sign was a woman that looked vaguely familiar. Since the sign read MEUNIER I had to assume it was not only for me but this was my cousin Mandy. It’s hard to tell since it’s been ten years since I saw her last and her Facebook picture doesn’t do her justice. I smiled as I walked up and said “Guten Tag Mandy!” (Good Day or Hello Mandy). “Analisa! Wie gehts?” (How are you?) She smiled. Mandy wasn’t a tall woman and considerably older than me. I wasn’t sure how she was related, I am not even sure she is blood, but somehow we are cousins, at least that’s the rumor. “How was your flight?” “Ach, gut, aber ich bin mude.” (Good, however I am tired). Mandy took the shoulder bag that held suits and dresses and some shoes and I followed her with my larger bag outside to a parking gar-

age. Nothing different here except for the signs. We were soon driving in traffic, which was just as bad as anywhere else I might add! Alarming but I was sure I would get used to it in time. I was surprised though that the steering wheel was on the left side and not the right like I was expecting, didn’t they all drive on the opposite sides here in Europe? Apparently not here in Germany. Apparently it’s a British thing, but I didn’t learn that until later. It took about an hour to get to Tante Dorla’s house. She was staying with my Onkel Friedrich and his family. She was the matriarch of my family. She really isn’t just an Aunt but my Great Aunt. My grandfather’s youngest sister and at nearly 90 quite a spitfire. I hadn’t seen her in nearly 30 years. Amazing but she really hadn’t changed much. She was shorter of course, grayer too, but still the robust woman I remembered from years ago. I didn’t think I had changed much either but she couldn’t tell me enough how lovely I looked, how beautiful I had become, what an honor it was to have me as their guest. I got to meet about fifty relatives that day alone. Like I was going to remember any of them! Onkel Friedrich was actually Dorle’s nephew. One of my Great Uncle’s son’s. So technic-

ally Friedrich was a cousin. It was all very confusing but I pretended to understand. I just kept pleading, “nicht so schnell, nicht so schnell” (not so fast) when people spoke to me. It got so they spoke to me like I was some frigging idiot they spoke so slow but I didn’t mind. Enough knew a few words of English that we got along fairly well. The room they stuck me in was under the roof so I had to watch my head getting in and out of bed. I was grateful to stay with the relatives and thought this was a good way to get to know the language. I could have afforded to stay in the best hotels but I wasn’t a frivolous kind of person. Besides, I suspect the family would have been insulted had I not stayed with them. The family was great about showing me about the immediate vicinity. I was in Bavaria near the Czechoslovakian border. How many trees do you want to see? Actually, the landscape wasn’t that different from Wisconsin. I’d been all over there as well and so far, no surprises. What I really wanted to see was the castles, the old houses, the cities, the tourist destinations. No one seemed to want to see those though and I was kind of stuck. I didn’t have a clue how or where to rent a car around here and I certainly didn’t

want to insult the family but after a month of listening and learning very little I was a bit bored. Yes, I liked seeing the cemetery where ancestors of mine had been buried for centuries, but not every week. Yes, it was interesting the little shops in the village. But was that all? The linen factory that most of the family had worked in was boarded up and most people commuted to the cities to work now so that left me with a lot of free time on my hands. My Onkel Friedrich had a son and I think ‘little’ Friedrich was what saved me. He must have sensed my unease. Friedrich II or Rich (pronounced Rick) was twenty something and he invited me out to a discotheque. Well I got the translation of that really easily so I dressed up for a night out on the town. As the family hadn’t seen me in anything but slacks, or jeans, and blouses they were amazed at the dress I pulled out and the make-up I put on. I know, I look totally different when I’m made up. I clean up good. Rich must have appreciated it as his eyes nearly bugged out of his head as I came down the narrow farmhouse stairs and into the kitchen in my heels. I asked if this was too much for a night dancing and he rushed to assure me it wasn’t. I could sense Aunt

Gussie didn’t approve but Dorle thought I looked sharp. I smiled my thanks. It took us forty-five minutes to make it to the city with Rich driving. I might add it was a good thing that his Peugeot had ‘oh Jesus’ hand grips because I was using them! What a maniac! There was a line to get into the club and Rich knew the doorman, which was a good thing as I didn’t want to stand in line in 3” heels. The doorman appreciated my looks too, I could tell. I’m not conceited or anything but as I’ve grown more mature, I’ve gotten better looking. I think I was a late bloomer but as I’ve gotten older, I have gotten prettier. I can say that because I know what the mirror tells me. I certainly don’t look my age and the few white hairs (I don’t gray) look blonde so I can pass for 10 or more years younger on a good day. Today was a good day. I don’t know if was the fact that we were getting ‘out’ or that I took a bit of a hike today but my colors were all right tonight even without the added makeup. The place was jumping! Wow! It wasn’t just for twenty-something’s either. I was relieved at that. I didn’t want to be the oldest broad in the joint. There were men and women in their 30’s, 40’s, and a few older, a couple of men who were stuck in the 70’s look with the open to the navel

silk shirt and the chains. Those have got to hurt when they pull the chest hairs! Rich was well known apparently and I found myself surrounded by happy go lucky people. I couldn’t remember all their names but he kept introducing me as his “cousine’ Ana” it was flattering almost like being introduced as royalty. I asked for a drink and soon had some hard tasting stuff shoved into my hand. German’s I notice drink a lot different than Americans. Their beers are darker, their alcohol harder. I gulped whatever the vile tasting stuff was so I didn’t have to worry about it. I thought for a minute it was going to come back up but it warmed me immediately. My head was swimming in minutes and I felt wonderful. The watering of my eyes I didn’t even notice immediately but Rich’s friend Peter did and we shared a laugh. Everyone went to dance and I joined in. Soon it got too hot for the jacket I had on over my dress and I didn’t want to carry my purse either. Rich gave both to the bartender to watch for us as we grooved to the beat. It was exhilarating. It amazed me how many ‘American’ songs they played here in English. My new friends were singing at the top of their lungs, having no idea what the words meant. The few in German were

just as great to dance to but as my German was so faulty I didn’t sing to them. My new friends loved that I was ‘American’ and could ask me about their songs, like I was some authority on the subject. We were sitting out after dancing several songs in a row when Rich suddenly stood up. Someone had come up behind me and I turned to see who. A dishwater blonde with the curliest hair, it must be a perm, with neo-classical features and the most amazing golden eyes stood there. She was assessing me as much as I was looking at her. She was nicely put together. “Ana, das heisst Lydia Von Horn, Lydia das heisst meine cousine Ana Meunier von America.” Rich introduced us. He made the ‘von America’ sound like part of my last name as Von Horn was hers. The blonde held out her hand and I shook it warmly. “Guten abend Frau Von Horn” I said in my student German. She was instantly amused “du kannst sagen Lydia und ich sage Ana, okay?” she smiled. What a smile too! Perfectly even and brilliantly white teeth. Wow! I smiled. I knew my German sucked but oh well. Take me as I am. It had to of improved

in the month since I had been living in Germany so in my mind it had been awful before. Rich was there though and asked Lydia, or at least I think he asked her where she had been? She answered so quickly that I only got a word here and there but I took it that she had been traveling. She tried to include me but at my blank looks she must have realized that I didn’t comprehend most of what was being said. Just then Peter and a few others came over to haul us back out on the dance floor. Somehow Lydia got swept up with us all and I found myself dancing not only with Rich but Lydia, Peter, and a few others. It was a blast. I was having the most fun since I had come to Germany. Too soon it seemed the music died to a couple’s only dance and as I was tired, had a thin sheen of sweat on my skin, and was dying of thirst I headed for the bar. Signaling the bartender I asked in my halting German “Haben sie Corona Bier?” He looked hard at me for a moment not sure of my accent and I repeated my request slowly. He glanced sideways for a moment and thought and then his face lit up and he headed for the cooler. Rummaging in it he came out with a Corona Beer. I was relieved!

Handing him my Euro’s I had no idea how much beer would cost I asked “can ich habe ein mehr Corona bitte?” He nodded and brought me another. I was set. Turning I was surprised to see Lydia at my elbow watching the whole transaction. She was definitely amused. Offering her the second Corona she accepted. I looked around for my cousin and friend and saw they had all paired up on the dance floor. “Sind sie auf Deutschland lange?” Lydia asked. I understood that! It always worried me that I would get stuck and not understand enough to get out of a conversation and out of trouble. “Ich bin auf Deutschland for eine monat jetz” I responded hoping I was getting the syntax or the words correct, telling her I had been in Germany for one month now. I could tell by her expression she understood enough of my mangled response. “Wo wohnst du auf Deautschland?” She was looking deeply into my eyes trying to convey something other than asking where I was living but as the lighting was not the best I just wasn’t getting it.

“Ich wohne mit meine familie, my cousin, Onkel, und Tante auf Hammerbruke” I told her that I lived with my family in Hammerbruke. Between us we managed to understand enough that she told me she too lived near Hammerbruke. She was familiar with my family. She offered to take me sight-seeing if I was interested. I don’t know if was because I was sick of staying at the farmhouse and my family wasn’t taking me many places but I was answering an emphatic “Ja” before I knew it. She seemed amused but at the same time intrigued. I was getting a vibe from her but not sure with the language barrier if I was really feeling it. We all danced late into the night and I had a good time. Lydia stayed with us and drank with us just like part of the gang. She too was older than my cousin’s crowd I’d say in her mid-30’s but it didn’t matter here, age wasn’t an issue. The guys were like horny guys anywhere, the girls like girls anywhere. I myself wasn’t a bar fly so this foray into the disco night life was an anomaly and I was enjoying it. I soon found myself buying beer and drinks for both Lydia and Rich. He seemed amused when I cut him off at about 2am. We didn’t leave until 4 but I didn’t want to be

splattered against some farmer’s wall out in the middle of nowhere. Lydia promised to stop by in the coming days and we drove back to my Onkel’s and Tante’s farmhouse. It was amazing how these farmhouses were in town but I suppose like anywhere else it just builds up around them and the farm was long gone. We dropped Peter off and he and Rich seemed to have laughing attacks for a while until Peter was gone. I didn’t understand it. After Peter was left off though Rich seemed to try to be telling me something. “Lydia mag sie” (Lydia likes you) he told me. Thinking hard to what that meant I tried to translate. My family had become familiar with my shrug and shaking of the head, the vacant look in my eyes telling them I didn’t understand. “Lydia angezogen wird, sie” he tried to tell me. Still no response from me, I lifted an eyebrow to indicate I was listening but I suppose in the darkness of the car it was lost on him. “Lydia ist interessiert an Sie” (Lydia is interested in you) he tried again. “Rich, Ich verstande nicht” I replied although I was starting to get an inkling of what he

was trying to tell me. A couple of the words he had said made sense to my brain. Rich sighed deeply and tried once more “Lydia ist eine lesbierin” (Lydia is a lesbian). THAT I got! “Ah, vielen dank” I answered. Thanks a lot, what could I say? Me too? My family didn’t know I was and I wasn’t about to tell them. I was on holiday here, vacationing, seeing the world, although I hadn’t seen much, they didn’t need to know my bedroom escapades. Rich gave up after that. He must have thought I was really obtuse and I didn’t correct that image. His information though relieved me. The interest I had sensed from Lydia and my own at least gave me hope. I hated it when I was interested in a woman and it wasn’t returned or we missed the cues. I almost wished there was a secret handshake or something to indicate. I wasn’t obvious. In fact I probably looked like the last woman who you would guess was gay. I’m 5’6” with long flowing red hair with darker brown streaks and a narrow face with welldefined cheekbones and a narrow nose. Saying it like that doesn’t sound attractive but I’m pleased with the package. I look good as I mentioned before and it only gets better. That Lydia had been

attracted now all made sense and gave me hope. This might prove interesting. To say I was surprised to see Lydia on the doorstep of the farmhouse the next day was an understatement. Onkel Friedrich invited her in of course. She was dressed moderately in a dress and heels, totally inappropriate for a farmhouse for my family were simple people. Tante Dorle welcomed Lydia like an old friend and they were soon chatting. Rich looked at me speculatively and grinned. I ignored the innuendo and tried to follow the conversation. After a prerequisite snack with drinks being offered Lydia indicated she was here to take me sight-seeing. I got that part and excused myself to go change. If Lydia was dressed as she was I certainly wasn’t going out in jeans and a blouse. Apparently my casual dress and comfortable shoes met with everyone’s approval when I came back downstairs 10 minutes later. I found out later Lydia was relieved how fast I had been. I had even taken the time to brush my teeth, brush my hair, and freshen my makeup. We were soon out the door and in a dilapidated old Mercedes and going down the road.

Lydia spoke slowly and deliberately as she pointed out the sights and for that I was grateful. She didn’t make fun of my German and helped me or corrected me when necessary. I didn’t mind that. In fact I found it helpful in some ways. I enjoyed her company. She drove quickly like everyone else in this country but I didn’t mind that either. I found myself wondering about her and hesitantly asked questions. Lydia told me she worked there, she pointed out a huge estate we passed. I had seen it with my cousins and wondered about it. They didn’t allow tours but old estates like that were a dime a dozen in Germany and I loved the idea of looking at them. She told me someday she would take me there. Or I think that’s what she told me. It takes a little more time to process things when you’re translating. We stopped for lunch at a nice little bar pub in some nameless village. As I had no clue what to order all I could tell her was “keine Sauerkraut” (no sauerkraut) which she seemed not only to understand but find hilarious. Since Lydia was being so kind to show me around I paid for the meal. We went further afield than my relatives had taken me thus far and really I enjoyed it. Ly-

dia did her best to tell me and I gleaned enough that I could understand. A popular phrase for me was “Ich verstanden” or I understand. I didn’t understand everything but as I said, I got a word here and there and could put it together. She took me to a little village that had a glass factory. It was fascinating to watch the glass blower. He took the raw glass from his pot and made an air bubble of sorts. Using a long wand that was hollow he blew into it and formed the glass or the vase or whatever he was making. How he was able to do it all without burning his hands I didn’t know but I saw that his hands were well callused and maybe that was part of the trick. The results though took my breath away. This was one of the many reasons I had decided to get out of town and see the world. These beautiful creations made me want to cry and to own them. Lydia could see my genuine delight. I wasn’t aware of it but my whole face had lighted up at the incredible glass I was seeing. I bought a little vase with an amber tint to give Lydia as a gift. She refused at first but I insisted, as a memento of the occasion. I also bought my aunt a beautiful vase. I could have bought myself half the shop I loved it all but where would I pack it?

That was when Lydia pointed out they shipped. So then I purchased a complete decanter set along with goblets, wine glasses, and even sherry glasses. It cost a fortune but they promised to ship it carefully to Wisconsin. My sons were home for the summer so at least they could pack it away for their old mom. I was grateful to Lydia as I had really wanted some of this beautiful crystal and glassware. As we headed back towards Hammerbrucke I was emphatic in my thanks to Lydia. I tried in my halting German to express how much I had enjoyed the excursion. I think I got my point across. We stopped for dinner at a regular restaurant instead of a pub. I liked it better as it was a little classier and I could make out what was on the menu and haltingly order. Finally, steak and potatoes. Or so I thought. Of course they prepared things differently here but that was what traveling was about, you tried other culture’s foods and specialties. I actually enjoyed what I ate but I was cautious much to Lydia’s amusement. Again, I paid for the dinner despite Lydia’s protests. I insisted as she was driving me around. The Mercedes was pretty dilapidated but I didn’t care, I was having fun.

All day long I had wondered if what Rich had said was what I had interpreted correctly. Lydia hadn’t indicated beyond friendship her interest in me. Or was I being obtuse? She had brushed by me a few times that were perhaps unnecessary. Again, was I reading too much into it? I had hoped perhaps to meet someone of interest and had done so unexpectedly. Was Rich right that she was gay? That she was interested in me? I didn’t know and I was never going to be the one to make the first move. It just wasn’t in me. As we drove closer to Hammerbrucke though I couldn’t help but wonder about Lydia. She had said she worked at that old estate and it was impressive but I really didn’t know much about her and I really wanted to know more. Was she really gay? She was certainly very pretty and I knew I was attracted to her. I was surprised though when she stopped short of town and turned to me to ask “Ana, haben sie eine gute zeit?” I smiled, I understood that perfectly “Ja, heute war wunderbar, danke, viehlen dank.” I couldn’t thank her enough for the wonderful day. I was glad she had stopped to ask if I had a good time.

Lydia looked at me speculatively for a moment and then leaned towards me. I couldn’t help but lean towards her too. Between the thoughts I had been having all day and my own attraction it was like a magnet. At the touch of her lips on mine though I thought my body would explode. It felt so insanely good to be kissing her. She smelled so good, not only her perfume but I could scent her body smell and it appealed so to my senses. I wanted to crawl across the shifter and into her lap immediately. Instead I held myself in check and did my best to kiss her. One kiss led to another. I used my tongue hesitantly and was pleased when she responded. Lightly sucking on her tongue I gave her ever indication that I approved of what she was doing to me. She began to caress the nape of my neck and I moaned slightly. That area back there has always been one of my trigger points. Finally though, all good things must come to an end. That first kiss had led to another and another and another until I had no idea how long she and I had been kissing. I was surprised to find my hands caressing her back and along her sides towards her breasts, not quite touching them but the intent was there. Her own hands had moved down my back encouraging me to jump over that

stick shift and get closer to her had that been possible. We were both breathing hard and I knew she looked as surprised as I felt as we pulled away. “Mein Gott” I thought I heard her gasp. I smiled at her as I leaned my forehead on hers. That had been something. I don’t know if was because I hadn’t been with someone in so long or if it was because of my thoughts all day long but wow, had a bed been accessible I would have jumped her or her me, of that I was certain. Slowly we parted and sat there stunned, each of us lost in her own thoughts. Slowly she started the car again and drove towards my Onkel’s farmhouse. At the door she turned and asked “Ana, konnen sie mit mir morgen?” Although I didn’t get all of it, I answered “Ja, Ich gehen mit sie morgen.” I had agreed to go with her tomorrow. As I let myself in the farmhouse I thought over our first kiss and it had been a doozy. I couldn’t help but look forward to tomorrow. Tante Dorle was still awake and watching TV she patted the couch next to her and smiled at me fondly. “Haben sie eine gutes zeit?” she asked slowly.

Nodding I answer “schon, sehr schon, Ich gehe mit Lydia morgen. Ich gehe zur bett, Ich bin mude” I told her I was going to bed, I was tired. I handed Dorle the vase I had bought her as I kissed her on the cheek and then headed up the narrow staircase. I didn’t see the speculative look that she sent me as I left. The next day the familiar little Mercedes took us to a stable where we took out two horses and rode in the hills. It had been a few years since I had ridden and it surprised me how well my skills came back. My horse was a little spirited but I had heard they had warmbloods over here so I wasn’t surprised. Lydia slowly told me about the area as much as I could understand. We were in back of the great estate where she worked and she showed me about. She looked great in jeans and a button down flannel shirt. My own jeans and blouse were a nice contrast. The day was exceptionally bright and I hid my eyes behind my sunglasses. Lydia made sure she brushed her hand against me as often as she could and then laughed when I blushed. I am not really shy but the newness of this and the unfamiliarity of it made me feel shy. For two hours we rode and as I hadn’t been on a horse in years that was plenty for me.

My crotch was a little numb but my leg muscles had taken the brunt of it. They didn’t have western saddles over here but I had managed fine. The horses were all beauties and I admired them telling Lydia in a mixture of German and English how much I admired them. She understood, smiling at my admiration and genuine delight. The stables were nothing like I had ever seen before. They were of fine brick with high doors that you could ride right inside. There was no muck to be seen and everything was kept meticulous. Everyone must be at lunch I thought when we got back there and we had to unsaddle and groom our own horses. I didn’t mind but I wasn’t used to it. Once we finished we put the horses back in their stalls and I began looking at the other beauties. I had just washed my hands and splashed some water on my face when I felt Lydia come up behind me. I was surprised when she spun me around and began kissing me. It was a pretty terrific kiss too I might add. It left me breathless it was so unexpected. Slowly but surely though she began maneuvering me into an empty stall, closing the door she tripped me down into the bed of straw that was piled there. I was surprised at how aggressive she was being but more than willing to play

along. As her body came down on top of mine I had the breath knocked out of me. She wasn’t a large woman by any stretch of the imagination but I was amazed at her strength and determination, sensing that I was a little alarmed though she changed tactics and began gently kissing me. That made a hell of a difference. It felt so nice and I couldn’t help but respond. It built fast though and this surprised me. I wanted to feel this woman against me and began unbuttoning her flannel shirt reaching in to touch her. I reached around with my other hand and felt her smooth back with my hand and reached down to squeeze her buttocks closer to me through her jeans. She gasped and groaned in desire. Damn she was a good kisser! I was enjoying it so very much that I forgot where we were. Rolling around in the straw though we were both becoming very aroused and very full of bits of straw. I ground myself suggestively against her and she responded by grinding back. If I hadn’t heard the distant rumble of voices who knows where it might have led. But I did and we didn’t. I helped Lydia up from the straw bed and we spent a while brushing off the straw. Then we helped each other pull it out of each other’s hair and off our backs. Lydia buttoned up her shirt. I couldn’t

help but let Lydia know my regret that we had to stop and I gently caressed her buttock through her jeans. The look of pure lust in her eyes made me take half a step closer for a kiss but I stopped when I heard the voices closer. We waited until they passed before slipping out of the stall and heading for the familiar Mercedes. Lydia didn’t start the engine right away and instead leaned her forehead on the steering wheel before looking directly at me. I could sense the longing in her. I knew it because I was experiencing it too. I wanted this woman, language barrier or no. I couldn’t tell her everything I wanted to but she knew, she really knew. Finally after a while she took a deep sigh and started the engine. She drove slowly back to the farmhouse never saying a word. Somehow I understood she couldn’t see me for a couple of days. Although my German sucked she made sure I understood. Or so I said, Ich verstande. She smiled and let me go. It was a miserable couple of days but my relatives made an effort to show me more of the countryside where we lived. I don’t know how many conversations I was a part of but apparently they were either insulted by Lydia having taken me out or

they suddenly realized how boring it really had been. I didn’t know but I went along for the ride. One of my other Onkels, Gunther by name was a traveling vet. I don’t know if I missed something in the translation but somehow he worked for the state and traveled around Germany. He and his wife Ilsa decided to take me along. As I had no way to tell Lydia where I had gone or leave a message I regretted that part. We went up to Munich and I had a delightful time sight-seeing. I found a tour group that spoke English and they were very thorough in their histories of the place. Amazing! I got to see the Olympic Village and tour the area where they had been held in 1972. Although a lot had changed since then of course the essence was still there and they utilized the buildings. I thought it would be a shame not to otherwise. I got to see Marienplatz or the town center. It was beautiful and I heard they held a terrific Christmas Market there. I didn’t think I’d be in Germany long enough to see it but I got the drift and understood the significance of it. Nymphenburg Palace or Nymphenburg Schloss as it was really known was a beautiful castle in Munich. This was the kind of thing I had hoped to see. The villages and towns and

countryside that the family had shown me was nothing in comparison to the amazing architecture and structures I was now seeing, this was Germany to me. The place was immense and I was fortunate to book a tour with another group and be able to go on the grounds. The gardens were quite extensive. It was exquisite. Originally it had been built as a summer home but to me a summer home meant a cabin on the lake, this was no cabin and they called it a palace? Wow, it was something. You could actually feel the history of the place. The social life in Munich was different too. My Onkel and his wife introduced me to many of their friends and their sons. It was obvious what they were doing and I was quite amused. I can’t tell you how many times I had to feign stupid American or that I didn’t quite speak enough German to get out of difficult situations. I don’t think my Onkel realized I wasn’t attracted to men nor did he realize my age. Most of the men he introduced me to were in their 30’s and I have to laugh to myself. I’m older than most of them. Assumptions are a funny thing. We had been there a week and I was enjoying playing tourist when by chance I saw Lydia. It surprised both of us as we were staying at

a fairly expensive hotel and there she was having breakfast with a couple. I was nearly done when I spotted her and caught her eye. Both of us were a little stunned. I smiled and she blew me away with the wattage of her own smile. I don’t know what she said to the couple but they left soon afterwards. My Onkel and Tante had business elsewhere and after they left I walked over to Lydia’s table. “Guten Morgen Lydia, Wie geht es ihnen?” I asked her how she was. I could see how incredible she looked. She was dressed in a killer black dress with white stripes that emphasized her thin waist and nice breasts. Her hair was brushed back but couldn’t control the riot of small tight curls. Her smile really made my day, wow it was a killer “Ana! Das ist so schon! Was machts du hier?” I was relieved to see her actually having felt bad about the way I left and unable to tell her. “Ich bin hier mit meine Onkel and Tante. Ich sehe Munich.” Seeing as I stood there through this she invited me to sit down. I gratefully accepted wanting to be near to her. This was insane. I barely knew this woman and was desperate to get

in her pants or rather up her skirt. I swear I am not like that, nor have I ever been, but there was something about this woman, this particular woman…I didn’t know it at the time of course but she felt the same way. She began slowly asking me about what I had seen. I haltingly told her but couldn’t help but wonder if I adequately told of the splendor of what I had been seeing. Lydia suggested a few more places I should go, or at least I think she did and then she offered to go with me which thrilled me no end. It was fun playing tourist but no fun all alone. It was nicer when someone else went with you on your journey. Lydia’s phone rang as we were attempting to talk and her rapid fire German lost me quickly. I did get a sense that she was brushing someone off which surprised me. When I had her full attention again we discussed meeting up again in two hours. I wandered around the gardens of the hotel which being so old was quite extensive. It’s amazing with how little space these places had how they managed to convey space and depth in the plants that grew here. We went tourist with the group I had hooked up with. I could tell Lydia was having

a good time as well. Today’s tour was only two hours long and took us through several parks that I hadn’t seen yet. Their combination of German and English helped tourists who would have been as lost as I. It was fun to have someone along to elbow and say look at that or “Sehen sie?” As we walked back to the hotel I couldn’t help but wonder why Lydia was in Munich and asked her. She slowly explained that she was on business. As I didn’t get all of it I had to shrug off a lot. She took my hand as we walked and I didn’t think anything of it. No one else seemed to mind either. She escorted me up to my hotel room where I was planning on showering and changing into something a little more formal for the evening knowing that my Onkel had plans for us to go out to introduce me to another million young men or ‘possibles.’ I had laughed about this when I explained it to Lydia who didn’t look as amused as I was. At the door to my room I used the key card and turned to say goodbye to Lydia, I found myself being pushed against the door as she kissed me hard. I barely could get my arms up to wrap around her as she slid us off the door and into the room shutting the door behind us. The passion that exploded between us was no joke. I couldn’t get her dress off fast

enough and was afraid I’d rip it I was so anxious to be with this woman. She had my own dress up and off me in no time flat. I didn’t know whether to be flattered, amused, or alarmed. I chose the flattered but only because I wanted to be with her just as much. She unerringly found that spot on my neck with first her fingers and then her lips, at the touch of her tongue and lips though my knees started to buckle. It was an incredible feeling. Determinedly she got us to the bed but I was a willing victim. As the underwear came off as well we both slowed down to enjoy each other’s bodies. She must work out she was so well put together. I loved touching every inch of her. She seemed to enjoy it as well as the catches in her breathing indicated. She beat me though when she determinedly caressed her way down my body to the V of my legs. I couldn’t help but let her go first as she quickly stroked my fires. I hadn’t been on fire like this in a long time and it felt sooo good. I arched into her hand as she kissed me, kissed down my jaw line, my neck, and then began assaulting my nipples. The combination was driving me insane. I wanted to do the same to her but once she was inside of me and touching my G spot I was helpless. Willing, but helpless. My whole body seemed to go limp

as she petted it expertly. My groans filled the room as I ground suggestively against her hand my hands groping at her encouraging the assault on my body. She knew exactly what she was doing and brought me to the most amazing orgasm. The cries torn from my mouth were cut off as she kissed me deeply and I cried out into her mouth. The bucking of my body though couldn’t be cut off and she enjoyed the ride. As I came down from my first orgasm I quickly turned the tables on her. I couldn’t wait to cause the same sensations in her that she caused in me. I don’t know what other lovers she had had but I could somehow sense she was used to taking what she wanted and not being given what she needed or deserved. I showed her a difference. I slowed down and took care of her needs. As her excitement built I could tell by her frantic body motions that she wouldn’t be able to stand any more teasing very long. I deliberately began to play with her wetness my fingers plunging inside suggestively, my thumb playing on her clit. I began to kiss down her neck flicking with my tongue as I headed for her nipple. It has been my experience that most right handed women, I had noticed Lydia was right handed, had extra sensitive right nipples. I wasn’t wrong this

time. As I had also noticed most women who were right handed were more sensitive on the right side of their clit I had also found it wasn’t a fail-safe. To maximize her enjoyment and create a tease I gently rubbed her clit all around with my thumb in a circular motion. It was driving her wild and I could tell by her panting that she was near to cumming. I ground my own crotch against her thigh as my own legs captured one of hers between mine. My hip nudged against the hand I had between her legs. The combination drove her over the edge. I reveled in the hoarse little cries coming from her as she came and came and came. I was surprised at how long it lasted but was pleased that I had caused it in her. Holding her close I calmed her with my body as she came down slowly. I was really pleased with myself and kissed her longingly. It would have started again and I could feel my own need except someone knocked on the door. Startled we shared a look before I leapt off the bed and grabbed a hotel robe. Answering the door I called “Ja kann ich helfen sie? Wo ist dort?” I’m sure I didn’t have the right words but they got my drift.

“Ana, Onkel sagt wir gehen in eine uhr ist das okay mit ihn?” It was my Tante, who I suspect might be on to me... “Ja, eine uhr is gut, sehen sie!” I had one hour to get ready for another night of thirty something men. I was NOT looking forward to it. Turning around I saw an amused Lydia lying in my bed. She looked eminently jumpable. Damn, I wished I had the time but I had to wash my hair and get ready. My hair would take at least half an hour with drying time. I can’t tell you how I regretted that I had to leave that beautiful woman lying in my bed. She lay there with her hair mussed up and leaning on her elbows watching me with her amazing golden eyes sparkling. “Ich muss ah, sheisse” I couldn’t remember the words in German, I resorted to swearing. This amused Lydia more. Carefully she got out of the bed giving me a wonderful view of her naked body. I could feel the jolt of desire from my toes on up. I must have given her a look because she froze in the act of gathering her clothes. I headed directly for her and gave her quite a kiss. She responded instantly. I was regretful that I had to end it especially because she was already naked in my arms. Damn, damn, damn. She smiled her regret and

said something like ‘spater’ I don’t really remember because my mind was filled with lust for this woman. She had to of heard my Tante so I knew I couldn’t waste time. Instead I picked up my own clothes and threw them on a chair as she dressed. I helped where I could but I wanted to be taking things off and that wasn’t conducive to the current situation. Finally though she was dressed and herself looking regretful I let her out of my room. I met the most delightful American at the club. My young friend Rich introduced me to her. She has no idea how beautiful she was with her wide green eyes, red brown hair that invites you to play with the wild mass, her carriage and posture are a delight to the eye. I wonder if she realizes how attracted I am to her. I am sure that Rich or Peter told her I am a lesbian. I have never hidden it. Everyone knows me. Her delightful accent and atrocious attempts at German fascinate me. I liked that she didn’t stick to our German drinks and instead boldly asked for a Corona. A Corona here in Germany? I was amazed that the bartender found any. I was surprised as she that we had not only one but two? She didn’t realize how exciting I found her as she got a sheen of sweat over that delightful body from dancing. I

wanted to ask her to dance when the slower music came on but that would have given up the game. I don’t think the boys know that our delightful little ‘Ana’ is a lesbian. Maybe she is a bi-sexual but I don’t think I am reading the signs wrong. There is definite interest. The surprise on the Meunier household that I would come calling was amusing to me. Everyone knows me, they cannot help it. My family is well known in the district. I am amazed that no one has explained it to the American but then they can be so delightfully obtuse. I am enjoying playing chauffeur to my new friend. I borrowed the gardener’s old Mercedes. That thing is really a piece of junk. Ana though is lovely in her excitement to see things. That glass shop was truly an inspiration for me. Where I wanted to take her was to my bed but moving too quickly would put a crimp in my plans. I don’t want this one to get away. The language barrier is bad enough but from what I understand of her I really want to get to know her better. Her genuine appreciation for the old glass blower and his creations astounded me. She didn’t hesitate to purchase what she wanted once she realized they would ship it to America for her. I wonder if she realized how much she spent? I’m

amused that she insisted on paying for our meals since I was driving. Stopping outside of town I was inspired and pleased with how that turned out. It certainly signaled my intentions. Her response though, WOW, incredible. I didn’t want her to realize about the stables so I took her in the back way. ‘Renting’ them seemed the easiest way to let her assume. With the language barrier it made it easier to deceive her but I want to make a clean breast of things as soon as possible. It could get out of control so easily. I don’t want her angered or hurt by a lie. Damn I wanted her. She’s ripe for the loving. That stall was not a good choice. I could feel the straw through my clothes. Damn bad timing. What do you mean she’s gone? I couldn’t believe it when Friedrich told me she was gone with his Onkel. They went to Munich? Well that’s fine, I could find something to do in Munich on business for a few days. She hadn’t mentioned she was going there but maybe she didn’t know. As I went about my business for a few days I realized her Onkel and Tante must travel in different circles, I had no idea where to look and I certainly couldn’t go around to hotels asking for that hot American. I must have been really dull to my dinner companions and business associates. I

have no idea what we talked about nor did I care. I was thinking way too much about the American. She really had gotten under my skin. How in the world had that happened and so fast? Oh my God. Ana is here! I can’t believe my eyes, she looks incredible. She noticed me! Halleluah! Quickly I concluded the business I had with my two associates and dismissed them. I was happy to see Ana’s Tante and Onkel leave the table and head in the opposite direction from me, no point in them seeing me or the game is up. I know her Onkel Friedrich was on to me and Tante Dorle certainly knew I have designs on her niece. I must seem predatory to them but then I know what I want in life and I go after it, what’s wrong with that? Here she comes. Wow, she has a hell of a walk, I’d recognize it anywhere, I wonder if she even realizes it, it’s sexy and the way it makes her hips move, wow? I could look at her all day but I have to be careful not to make her uncomfortable. Sightseeing again? She wants to play tourist? What a novel idea. I don’t think I’ve been other than self motivated in a long time. What a delightful time. The guides really know their stuff and by speaking both German and English they have caught their key audience. I must re-

member that. I wonder what Ana would do if I took her hand as we walk back to the hotel. She doesn’t seem to mind or for that matter be aware of it. No one really notices us as we walk across to the elevators and go up together, I’m grateful for that. Damn, I can’t wait to taste this woman again. Her perfume makes me want to jump her bones and devour her body in the elevator. She starts to tell me about her Onkel’s plan to introduce her to ‘eligible’ men in Munich. I’m surprised at my jealousy. I don’t know her well enough for that but I can at least stake my claim. Kissing her was all I intended but my baser instincts got the better of me and I found myself in her room making love to her. After a brief tussle to determine who would go first I was glad to win she excited me so I wanted the exquisite pain of having her and denying my body to go on a while. Although I am not naive enough that we couldn’t have had a mutual orgasm, I want, I need to hear hers first. She is so hot, oh my god, I am so excited. Her screams were not feigned and I covered her mouth to avoid embarrassment, we didn’t need someone knocking down the door at this moment. I was surprised though at the degree of tenderness she showed me in return. I am used

to being in control of my body and the situations with my past lovers this I haven’t experienced in a long time. She really seems to care about what she is doing, I sense I have to let go of my control and let her have her way with my body or I won’t enjoy this as much as I should. My enjoyment in absolute control has totally slipped; I am not used to this, this tenderness, this caring, this exquisite torture. I am amazed at my body’s reaction. If my mind hadn’t let things go I would never have been allowed to enjoy this like I am. When is the last time a lover let me go instead of making me do my own work? It had been so long that I can’t remember. She isn’t the novice I expected from her shy demeanor, she is playing my body very well. She is holding me afterwards, what a lovely gesture, it feels so very good. I can tell she isn’t finished though by her kiss, this could start again, this could go on for a while and I don’t object at the thought. The knock on the door alarmed and amused me given the thoughts that I had about the screams earlier. I scoot under the sheets just in case. I am annoyed to realize that she has to get ready to go. I was looking forward to an afternoon in bed with her. Damn, time flew. I don’t regret a moment of it though. I got to possess

this lovely American. Not a notch in my belt either. She doesn’t realize the gem that she is. She is amazing. I must have more. I intend to have more. Okay the night is another boring ho hum drum night. The same people, the same boring men. I fortunately had been able to pick up a new dress yesterday and I knew I looked nice but for what? No one here was I trying to impress. I enjoyed the dancing because not too many places waltzed anymore. I always thought German’s polkaed. Boy was I wrong. Apparently I would have to wait for Oktoberfest or other drinking festivals to see that side of Germany. Not bloody likely. I was bored with this part of Germany. My family visit was coming to an end, a natural conclusion I felt. I should move on. But when? But where? And what about Lydia? It was as though that thought conjured her, for suddenly she was there at this party. I could see I wasn’t the only one surprised. She made her way around the people acknowledging some, stopping to chat with others but determinedly making her way towards my little niche in the crowd. A lot of people it seemed wanted to talk to the ‘American’ so as a zoo animal I was on

exhibit once again. I was amused to see the welcome Lydia got though. These people greeted her after their initial surprise passed. They seemed to know her, respect her, even want her attention. She was stopped repeatedly. Her eyes flicked repeatedly to mine so I knew she was trying to get to me. I stopped listening to the old fart who was trying to find a way to get me to dance with him so he could feel me up. I wasn’t naive and could tell by the way he was looking down my dress that he only had one thing in mind. After all, American’s were easy, everyone knew that. Or at least that’s what they assumed. I was giving them a run for their money though in my refusals. It was the same night after night at these parties my Onkel and Tante insisted on dragging me to. Lydia was the first person I was genuinely glad to see. “Guten Abend Baron Sheimher” Lydia’s voice came to me as I turned back to the old fart. “Ah Guten Abend Lydia, wie geht es ihnene?” he smiled becomingly. I was amazed they knew each other. Was I missing something here? They chatted fast and furious for a while. I stood back and listened catching a word or phrase that I could understand here and there.

Mostly I didn’t understand any of it but I didn’t care. I was enjoying being back with Lydia around. I looked at her outfit, it was some outfit. A form fitting satin dress with elbow length matching gloves, she fit into this upper crust crowd effortlessly. That they accepted her without question was a surprise. They chatted for a while before he wandered away. Apparently I had been forgotten but then I didn’t care. I was grinning at Lydia when she turned her full attention on me. Her answering smile took my breath away. She looked incredible. She looked like she fit in here and that surprised me. I had to stop making assumptions. I wondered though, had she driven her dilapidated old Mercedes, the parking attendants must have loved that. We had at least been in a limo the hotel supplied my Onkel. “Wie gehts?” she asked. My grin turned into a full smile “Besser jetz” better now, definitely better now. I was so happy to see her and all I wanted to do was take her in my arms. I’d have loved to ask her to dance but knew how inappropriate it was here in this venue. She smiled at my answer. Several people approached us and I really didn’t get a chance to

be alone with her the rest of the evening but I was with her, I had to be content with that. My Onkel and Tante were first surprised to see her but they must have noticed the interest between us or just were busy with their own friends because they didn’t seem to mind that I hung out with Lydia the rest of the evening, or was she hanging out with me, I am still not sure. As my Onkel came for me when the night was over I waved to Lydia wishing we had more time alone to talk. I really wanted to get to know this lovely woman who I had been intimate with only that afternoon. I didn’t see Lydia watch as we got in the limo for the hotel or as she got in her own. I was just pleased when half an hour after I got ready for bed there was a knock on the door and Lydia swept into the room. We spent the night getting to know one another better and although it didn’t help improve my German it did help German American relations. I don’t know how Lydia managed to get the time off from work but the rest of my trip to Munich was spent with her. My Onkel and Tante didn’t seem to mind as he was there on business. I think they assumed I was playing tourist and as I was to a degree I could relate what I had seen and some of what I had done. I certainly never

mentioned the marathon sessions in bed that I experienced with Lydia. I hoped the chambermaids didn’t tell how messed up the bed became and at all hours. I wasn’t looking forward to going back to Hammerbruke but all good things must come to an end. I had made a decision though. I was going to play tourist without the family in tow. I checked my German English dictionary for the proper translation and asked Lydia to come along with me. I asked her if she could get the time off from work and amazingly she said yes. I was thrilled. I don’t know if my German was improving but I certainly seemed to understand more of it these days. When we returned to Hammerbruke I said thank you and goodbye to my family there. I packed up all my luggage and Rich drove me to the train station. I had agreed to meet Lydia there and I was thankful Rich didn’t stay to see me off. Instead I bought the two tickets and waited for Lydia. What if she didn’t come? What if I was assuming too much? What if she got fired? I didn’t relish that thought. I didn’t want her to lose her job, whatever it was, over me. I did know that I wanted to be with her more than what we had

been and traveling together would insure that. I was enjoying her immensely. There she is! As Lydia walked into the train station I will swear time stood still. She looked incredible in a traveling suit of pale camel coloring. Wow, it really made my mouth water to think about my hands climbing up those thighs....damn, down girl, what the hell was wrong with me that I was always in a state of lust around this woman. I have never felt this way before but jeez it was driving me nuts. I had to wear panty liners all the time now. She made me wet constantly and I worried about it. She sees me and look at that smile, all for me! She walked right into my arms and in front of everyone she gives me a kiss on the mouth. Apparently it isn’t as big a deal over here but I am still so very self-conscious about it. Lydia seems amused that I have bought the tickets for both of us already but she accepts it. She is rolling along two huge suitcases and I wonder if she had packed the kitchen sink. I have to help her get them on the train to our compartment. Trains are a mainstay in Europe, totally different than in America. I am still getting used to the differences. I pull out a map of Germany and the train guide. I’ve zigzagged the country and I show her what I want to see, she seems amused

but game. The plan is to go up through Munich to Nuremberg, up to Weimar then Leipzig, down to Dresden, then up to Berlin and then up to Lubeck, across to Hamburg, down to Bremen, Hanover, over to Munster, down to Dusseldorf, Cologne, Bonn, through the Rhine Valley, across to Frankfurt, then down to Stuttgart and then end up on a delightful little spa on Lake Constance across from Switzerland. Maybe on to Switzerland. I don’t know how much time Lydia has but I am willing to buy her a ticket home any time she has to go. I don’t want her feeling tied to me or obliged to stay and I certainly don’t want her to lose her job. She seems amused at that but agrees to my plans. Spending that amount of time with a person you really get to know them. My German is improving and I’m amazed when I start ‘thinking’ in German. I am a major history buff and despite having lived in Germany all her life even Lydia is amazed at what we both learn. The furnaces at Nuremburg make me cry. Lydia comforts me in the most amazing way. No one seems to mind seeing us hold hands or having our arms around each other, it’s very liberating. Seeing the North Atlantic for the first time from near Hamburg when we head north into the North Friesian

Islands didn’t impress me as much as I had hoped. It amazed me that people didn’t seem to realize how cold that water was though. Even Lake Michigan in spring didn’t seem this cold! Seeing people wade into those waters made me realize how hardy those German’s really are. The total randomness of our trip appealed to me. If we got bored, we did something, moved on, sought out a club, and explored another avenue. It was an incredible time alone with someone that I found myself falling in love with. Yes, I could admit that. I was falling in love with Lydia. I was afraid to tell her though. It was too soon. But maybe not, as the weeks and months went by, when was too soon to tell her? I worried needlessly about her job. Apparently she reported in regularly and she had brought her laptop so periodically she could be seen typing away doing some remote work. I myself used my laptop mostly for keeping up on Facebook where I was in the world for my friends and family and checking my email. I uploaded pictures from my camera and answered questions fired at me. Lydia received packets periodically and could be seen going through her paperwork but in hours, sometimes very long ones that she spent on the phone as well she would be finished

and be my playmate once again. I didn’t ask questions about her work and she didn’t volunteer anything about it. It was okay though, I was enjoying our time together immensely. As the months went by though I found myself getting very close to Lydia. I had no trouble making myself understood in German anymore. My English felt like a second tongue now I spoke German all the time, I even thought like a German. Although German had been part of my heritage I didn’t understand IT until I lived here. I had to go get my passport renewed now and again as I was only ‘visiting’ but as they saw I was touring the country by my train tickets I was given that freedom, I just needed to check in now and again and prove I was playing ‘tourist’. We were staying in Switzerland on Lake Constance at a spa I had treated us to when my phone rang. It had rung many times over the weeks and months of our trip but my kids were fairly self-sufficient and I was surprised when Calvin called. “Mom, do you ever check your email?” were the first words out of his mouth after I answered. I was surprised, how did he know I hadn’t checked it recently. I was having too good a time

I guess. “Why, did something happen?” I asked sardonically. The masseuse was working my lower back muscles and I desperately wanted to groan, I bit it back and Lydia who was on the adjoining table watched me close my eyes in ecstasy, a familiar facial expression to her. “No, not yet it hasn’t, do you know what this weekend is?” Having no clue at the date much less the time much less what he was talking about I had to ask “What is this weekend?” “It’s my graduation ceremony.” I could tell he was exasperated by his tone. Graduation? That wasn’t until MAY! Holy shit, it was May? I wanted to ask him what day it was but thought better of it at that point. “I’ll be there, you know I wouldn’t miss it for the world. What kind of a mom would I be?” There, that sounded good. Damn it! All the tension the masseuse had worked out of my body was back in an instant, he must have felt it too as he stopped while I was on the phone. “Okay, the ceremony is Saturday, I put it all in the email. I’ll let you go since this is technically an international call.” “All right sweetheart, I’ll see you Saturday! Take care!” I called across the miles

and hung up. Putting the phone on the tray in front of me I looked at Lydia who was looking back at me in alarm. I don’t know how my face looked but I felt terrible. How could I not know it was May? I had almost missed my son’s graduation from college! Where had the time gone? Looking across at Lydia I realized I had been having too much fun with this woman to realize the time that had passed. I had indulged myself too long. Time to be responsible again. Wait, after this massage, mmmmm. As we went up in the elevator to our room later Lydia tried to ask me what was going on. “Liebling, was ist los?” “I need to go back to America, immediately.” I told her in German. I could tell by the look on her face though she wasn’t happy with that idea. Once we were back in our room I hooked up my laptop immediately and used their free wireless connection. Typing in AOL I soon had my emails up and read my son’s letter to me. Yep, there it all was in black and white. What an idiot I had been. Jeez, thank goodness he had called. Lydia was taking a shower as I called down to the concierge to arrange an immediate set of flights to get me to Milwaukee, Wisconsin,

USA. It would cost me a mint last minute like this but I was frugal by nature and my son would only be graduating once, I think. The concierge agreed to make all the arrangements and have a car waiting for me in the morning. He would call me later once he had confirmation. I was relieved that I didn’t have to make the arrangements, it would all be taken care of for me. I liked this kind of traveling. Lydia came out of the shower as I hung up the phone. “What is going on?” she asked in German. “Baby, I have to leave tomorrow for America. My son is graduating and I simply must be there.” “Can’t I come with you?” she asked. The look on her face alarmed me, she was panicking. “I will be back, I promise you, I will come back. I need to go though and there is no time for you to arrange with your work or make any other arrangements.” I told her gently. Lydia looked angry. I couldn’t understand it. In all the months we had been together I had been generous with her. I made all our travel arrangements, I paid for all our tickets and excursions, I bought all our meals, I even bought us both clothes, there was nothing I could do about

this situation. Although I didn’t want us to be apart either I couldn’t take her with me. Didn’t she understand that? Apparently not, she sulked that night as I packed. I found though I needed another suitcase. She reluctantly went with me into town to shop for one. I didn’t buy her anything and as I had usually bought her something every time we shopped from harmless little trinkets to some really nice clothes this too must have made her pout. I wasn’t happy. She was ruining our last night together. We didn’t make love that night with both of us having our feelings hurt like that. I had no desire to make love to a spoiled little brat and she was still sulking making me feel bad for something I had to do. It hurt me, it really did. Was the only reason she was with me because of my money and what I could buy her? I didn’t voice this but I thought about it and it made me angry. I didn’t get a lot of sleep that night thinking about the situation. In the early morning after I had finally fallen asleep she gently woke me by making sweet love to me. I let her as I knew it would be a while before we saw each again, if ever. I had a lot to think about and maybe this was the last time. It would break my heart not to ever see her again but she had never told me she loved

me and I certainly wouldn’t tell her now. It was an incredible session of the sweetest kisses and the kindest caresses, I cried after I came it was so poignant. I could only return the favor and I was gratified to see the tears in her own eyes as she came. We showered together and she delighted me by brushing out my long hair and drying it. It was relaxing and erotic all at once. I tried not to let my baser instincts get to me as she touched me. Dressing seemed to take a long time. Our croissants and rolls that came up with a fruit plate as well as coffee and juice were soon consumed. Brushing my teeth and putting on my makeup I chose to wear one of the beautiful suits that Lydia had chosen for me in Berlin. I loved the new clothes I now owned. What I had brought from Wisconsin was rarely worn anymore. I had changed a lot and for the better I felt over the last months. I knew a new veneer had taken over me, I had a sophistication that was always there waiting to get out and I owed it all to traveling with Lydia. She made me want to be a better person, we went places, saw things, did things that all helped me be a better person for her, to her, with her. I loved who I had become. She also had exquisite taste and I took my cues from her, she had

made a few suggestions I loved, nothing pushy, nothing commanding but subtle and beautiful. I had found I actually have good taste and now I have places to wear those items I have purchased. The bell boy took my bags to the limo for me. I had arranged for the concierge to arrange Lydia’s travel back to Hammerbruke whenever she was ready. She could stay another week here at the spa if she wanted. I tried not to cry as we kissed goodbye but then I had to go. The limo was driving me to the airport and planes wouldn’t wait for me. The flights seemed interminable. I flew from Lake Constance to London, from London to Chicago, from Chicago to Milwaukee. I worried that my luggage, especially my new clothes would all be lost in transit. I can’t tell you how delighted and surprised I was when it all came rolling out on the carousel in Milwaukee. Customs again was different here in the states. I felt like I had come back to po dunk USA. I no longer fit in here. The trip itself had weighed heavily on my mind. The short layover I had in London I tried to send an email to Lydia expressing my sorrow over leaving her, my need to be back here, but even to my ears it fell flat. I tried again in Chicago but didn’t have as much time. All through

the hours on the flight when I wasn’t sleeping, I thought about Lydia and our awesome months together. I missed her already; this flight would have been fun with her. She had a terrific sense of humor and I missed her so much! I rented a car when I got to Milwaukee. This too had been arranged by the concierge in Switzerland. Amazing, I hoped I had tipped him enough for doing his job so well. I would have to ask Lydia, she would know, if she ever talked to me again. It took only 45 minutes to get to my house in Oconomowoc. It was a good thing I had a gardener who cut the lawn and kept the yard clean or this would be a mess. I know my boys wouldn’t have bothered and the jungle I would have come back to would not have been pleasant. I cannot believe I have been gone ten months! I hadn’t intended to be gone that long but here it was late May. Damn time had flown. I knew why though, I had enjoyed myself entirely too much with Lydia. The places we had gone, the sights we had seen, it had been incredible. The door opened with my key effortlessly. Hauling in my cases one after another I hauled them upstairs to my bedroom. Nothing had changed there. It was kind of empty. My plants

of course were all dead. The boys wouldn’t have thought of watering them. I wondered where the boys were. Oh well. I began to unpack and hang my clothes up. I was finishing with the last suitcase when I heard the front door open and a call for “Mom?!” Rushing down the stairs I flew to give my boys hugs and kisses. Something I do NOT do so they were surprised, alarmed, and bashfully pleased. I had missed them though! We were all talking a mile a minute and I sat down in the living room to catch up. Hours went by before we were through and I offered to take them both out to dinner, my treat. How often had I said that with Lydia, that it was my treat? I had to stop thinking about her for a while; I can’t tell you how hard that really was. I know, I love her, but I had only been gone from her a day. Was I obsessed? The next day was Friday. Friday? I was really a mess date wise. I spent the day catching up with a few friends I hadn’t seen in nearly a year. I had to fit it around their schedules but I didn’t mind. I also didn’t realize how much I had changed. That veneer I had acquired in Europe was evident. I also didn’t dress like anyone they

knew. The sophistication didn’t slip. I even wore my hair differently. I guess I was different. The graduation ceremony was awesome. I yelled myself hoarse as my son proudly accepted his diploma. I was so proud; he had worked so hard for five years for this moment. What an accomplishment. I wanted to throw him a party but having talked to my sister in law we had decided to combine efforts and have one next weekend for my son and my nephew who was graduating NEXT Saturday from the University of Madison. My son had graduated from the University of Milwaukee. Fortunately the ceremonies hadn’t been on the same day. To avoid the relatives having to travel twice we would have the party at their house and I would help pay for it. That seemed fair. I tried to write to Lydia via email to let her know my plans thus far. She hadn’t responded and I figured fine, you sulk you spoiled brat you. I wasn’t playing games, I hadn’t deceived her, I was telling her like it was. She didn’t take my calls either so I was getting royally pissed. With the time difference I really had to make an effort but it was lost on her. Saturday dawned warm and fair. Only three people per graduate were allowed because

of the amount of traffic and the room availability so my brother, my other nephew, and my sisterin-law went down to Madison for the ceremony. While they were gone I set up for the party. My other brother and his family were coming out to Oconomowoc from Milwaukee, my sisters daughter but not my sister was coming (my sister and I didn’t get a long), my two sons, then my brothers other two sons were all going to be there. I set the soda and beer bottles in buckets I filled with ice and set them in the shade of the beautiful oak and maple trees my brother had planted years ago. The corn was sitting in a barrel of water waiting to go on the grill and the brats had been boiled in beer and were waiting. I had bug nets over the snacks and the plates and cups were weighted down on the picnic table. Everything was ready as the guests arrived. First to arrive back from the ceremony were my brother Seth, his wife Jennifer, their oldest son TJ and their son Kevin who was the graduate. Their other two sons CJ and Michael had stayed to supposedly help me but had let me do all the work; well they did move the picnic table. My niece Cally was next to arrive with her daughter Alice. I hadn’t seen either of them in ages and the hugs were well felt. My own son

Calvin who was the other graduate we were celebrating arrived with his girlfriend Judy. Where was my son Alex and his girlfriend? I sent them a text message. Then my brother Josh and his wife Jessica showed up with their son Vincent and daughter Millie. This was my favorite brother and sister in law. They had been very supportive over the years. It was nice to see them both after all this time. The party was going well; Seth was having fun with the grill. The boys had all been playing with the fire pit and roasting marshmallows. Each of Seth’s boys had their girlfriends along and it made for a jolly party. I sat and told about my travels through Germany and didn’t realize the significance of the looks passing between my sister’s in law and niece as well as Josh when my eyes got all glassy in remembering. I didn’t mention of course that I had been traveling with anyone, it wasn’t their business and I felt they wouldn’t understand anyway. I cannot believe that Ana is leaving me. I understand she needs to go home for her son. She has left him for 10 months though to be with me and he seemed fine. Now there is a ceremony that she MUST attend? I don’t understand

it. Everything has been going so well. I have enjoyed traveling around Germany with this woman, this crazy American. She keeps me on my toes. I never know what she will come up with next. She is always surprising me, keeping things lively, showing me things I didn’t know about my OWN country. I have never enjoyed myself so much. It has been hard too though. She refuses to let me buy anything. I guess she assumed from that dilapidated old Mercedes that I was poor. I never told her different and for that I am ashamed. It is nice to be enjoyed though for myself and not for my money. I must tell her when she returns, if she returns. She wasn’t very happy when she left and for that I am sorry. I behaved very badly. I am ashamed to say I pouted that she didn’t invite me. Well, what could I expect. Two first class tickets to Wisconsin? I should have told her I would pay for it myself. Perhaps though, she is ashamed of me? Here people accept us being a couple without another thought. Maybe it isn’t like that there. She did try to tell me sometimes. I am afraid I didn’t want to know much about her life before. How selfish of me. I realize that now.

I can make it up to her though when she returns, maybe though she will not want to return. She never makes promises she doesn’t keep. Did she promise to come back? I don’t remember. Maybe though, I should make it up to her before then. I should go to her! It isn’t like I cannot afford to go. I will surprise her! Won’t she like that? She surprises me all the time, maybe it’s time I return the favor. Yes, that’s exactly what I will do. I will fly there and surprise her. I better call and have them make the jet ready. Calling down to the concierge she arranged for a private plane to take her back to Hammerbruke. She made sure Ana wasn’t charged for any of her travel arrangements. Although it had been nice to be taken care of for all these months she could take care of herself very well. She called ahead and had them make ready her private jet to fly overseas and file a flight plan. She also had a car meet her as she flew in from Switzerland. Her bags were taken off for her and put in the Rolls. As they drove to the estate where she had told Ana she worked she was welcomed home repeatedly with “wilkommen Baroness” and all the bowing and curtsying. It sickened her in this day and age but then she

had grown up with it and was accustomed to it. As she walked the halls of her mansion while her bags were being re-packed she went to her private office to make a few other calls and arrangements. She checked some of her correspondence that which hadn’t been forwarded to her while she was away. Her private secretary had taken care of such details and things had run smoothly. She boarded her private jet on Friday after a few days of hard work. She had wanted to make sure that things would continue to run smoothly while she took an indefinite leave. She caught Ana’s emails before she left and realized she would arrive as she was having the party to celebrate her son and godson’s graduation. How charming. Americans always looking for a reason to celebrate. The car that drove her from the airport in Milwaukee seemed to be a little slow. She looked curiously out at the countryside and was surprised to see it reminded her of parts of Germany. Something Ana had told her time and again. As the driver pulled into the address she had of Ana’s it occurred to her that she certainly didn’t know the address to any of Ana’s brother’s homes. She rang the doorbell. A young man answered the door.

ously.

“Hello? Can I help you?” he asked curi-

“Good day is Ana Meunier here?” she asked in accented but perfectly understandable English. “Ah no, she’s not. She’s at a family party and won’t be back until late” the young blonde man answered. He looked at her curiously. “Are you Alex or Calvin?” she asked. Surprised that she knew his name he answered “I’m Alex, who are you?” Pulling herself up regally she used her title, not to impress but to stress the importance of him giving her the information she desired as well as from a habit of a lifetime “I am the Baroness Lydia Von Horn, I am a friend of your mother’s and the family in Germany. Can you take me to your mother?” Alex hesitated for a moment he wanted to help her he really did but he didn’t know her “if you want you can follow us over to my uncle’s house.” Examining the young man Lydia realized he had to be older than she had assumed. How in the world had Ana had a son this age? This was the younger one? That meant Ana had to be over 40? No way, there was some misunderstanding

here! She would get to the bottom of it too. “You can ride with me and my driver if you wish” she gestured to the limo. The young man’s eyes nearly popped out of his head. A young woman appeared over his shoulder and said “what’s going on Alex?” “Ah apparently we don’t have to wait for AAA after all, we have a ride.” Looking past him to the woman standing there and past her to the limo in the driveway the young woman’s eyebrows nearly disappeared on her forehead they rose so high. “Okay, let’s go then.” She grabbed a bag and Alex took it from her as he led her out of the house. Lydia led them back to the limo where the driver was holding open the door. A flat tire on the Opal in the driveway accounted for the relief of the young people and their new ‘ride.’ Lydia could see they were impressed and pleased at the alternative. “Have you ridden in a limousine before” she asked them in her accented English. They both nodded. Alex realized though he hadn’t introduced his girlfriend “ah, this is my girlfriend Loara, Loara this is the Baroness ...” his voice trailed off having forgotten all of what Lydia had said.

Lydia laughed at him and supplied “Baroness Lydia Von Horn at your service” she too had watched American TV. The ‘at your service’ was stereotypically American. Loara held out her hand and Lydia shook it, a fine custom that had taken hold in Europe as well. American’s didn’t stand on ceremony and for that she was grateful. Alex directed the driver to his uncle’s house and it caused a stir as the car drove up the driveway and along the side of the house to the garage in back. The yard was large so the garage was about 200’ away from the house with the large back yard between it. Everyone watched as the limo came to a halt and the driver popped out to let his passengers out. “Who do we know that would arrive by limo?” Seth asked everyone at large. Everyone was watching as first Loara and then Alex got out of the limo. I muttered “what in the world?” as I saw my son and his girlfriend. Standing up I shook my head at them and laughed. The laugh though was cut off abruptly as I saw who got out of the limo next. Lydia! Oh my god, she was here! I froze where I was. I didn’t realize everyone had heard my gasp aloud though.

“Hey Mom, look who we found?” Alex was charming, but at that moment I wasn’t amused. “Where is your car?” I asked trying to ignore the woman following the couple walking across the backyard towards the group gathered on the patio. “I got a flat and triple A was taking too long so Baroness Von ...” his voice trailed off “gave us a ride” he finished lamely. I started to walk towards Lydia before she could get to the group, intending to head her off. I walked into an ambush. She took me into her arms and gave me a big kiss. It lasted long enough that there could be no doubt in anyone’s mind what we had meant to each other. Despite my trying to end it and pull away she wouldn’t let me. “Bist du verrucht?” I asked incredulous! Are you crazy? “Was machts du hier?” What are you doing here? “Nein, Ich bin glucklich! Ich vermisse dich!” I’m happy, I missed you. “Du kuss mir, mit meine familie hier?” You kissed me in front of my family? My arm took in the gaping people all frozen in time. I started to look at the individuals, their expressions

and realized how humiliated, how embarrassed I felt. I spun away from Lydia and walked determinedly away from her and the crowd. Walking across the large backyard I stopped at the woods and stared out into it thinking. There was no way I could fake this, there was no way they couldn’t realize. I was outed and in a BIG way. In front of my brothers, in front of my kids, in front of my nieces and nephews, my sister’s in law as well as their various friends. I wanted to shrivel up and die. I wanted to pray that I would wake up from this nightmare. It’s different if I had chosen to reveal it. To have it thrust upon me in this way blew my mind. I kept repeating to myself “that didn’t just happen, that didn’t just happen” hoping that by repeating it enough it would just go away. Seth stepped into the void that Lisa’s leaving left. Holding out a hand he said “Hi, I’m Seth Meunier, and you are?” Lydia stood there shocked at Ana’s reaction. She had thought she would be so happy to see her. The looks on her face though, the shock, the anger, had all surprised Lydia instead. She started as a man came towards her. “Hello, I am Baroness Lydia Von Horn” she responded automatically not thinking about her title.

Seth was impressed but so was everyone else after they got over the shock of seeing Lisa being kissed by this striking woman. One by one everyone was introduced. When someone tried to address her as Baroness she laughed and said “call me Lydia, please.” Jennifer offered her some food, she accepted a beer. American beer was so weak but then she had developed a fondness for the Corona that Ana liked so well although technically Corona was a Mexican beer. Lydia frequently looked towards Ana who stood with her back to the gathering and it was apparent to everyone where her interest lay by how frequently she looked towards her. Analisa looked incredible in the suit they had picked up in Frankfurt; its European cut went well with her figure. Its short jacket emphasized her small waist and the cut of the skirt made her legs look longer. The tan coloring went well with her dark red brown hair. Jessica walked to where Lisa stood. It took a while, the backyard was large. “You okay?” she asked kindly. Nodding Lisa refused to look at her. Of all the rotten timing. “Lydia seems nice.”

Lisa nearly choked on that one. It was one thing to have an affair abroad; it was another thing to bring it home with her, to flaunt it to her family. Jessica put her hand on Lisa’s shoulder “hey, it isn’t that bad. It’s not like we didn’t guess.” Lisa turned to look at Jessica for the first time. She stood there ramrod straight and her face was ashen as she asked “You guessed?” Nodding Jessica grinned. “You’ve been very discrete, not everyone can tell, but a few things you’ve said over the years kinda prepared us. It’s okay, we love you anyway” she smiled. Lisa gave a snort and answered “and here I thought I’d been so careful.” She shook her head in disgust. “Come on back to the party” Jessica encouraged. “I’m really not in the partying mood at the moment. I think I need some time until I face everyone.” That was understandable. Jessica stood there offering comfort and they chatted and then Cally joined them. The three of them stood and talked for a long while. They didn’t discuss the

white elephant and for that Lisa was grateful. It was a horrible situation. Seth called when the brats and corn were ready. Lydia looked up hopefully. She had been speaking with Lisa’s son Calvin who she found to be older than she had thought as well. He was intelligent, thoughtful, and kind. She could see Ana in him. It still amazed her though that Ana had a son as old as he was. He hadn’t graduated from a private school as she had assumed but from five years of college! She guessed that Ana and she had both been guilty of assumptions. Jessica and Cally returned to the party to eat. Lisa went and sat on the edge of the trampoline, her back still to the party. She desperately wanted to leave. She wished Lydia would go. It wasn’t that she was ashamed of Lydia; it was the action she was ashamed of. What was she doing here? How had she afforded the flight? The limo driver had returned to the car and was sitting in the driver’s seat reading the newspaper apparently waiting for his passenger. A limo? Where had Lydia gotten that kind of money? The flight alone would have cost over $1000 in American dollars much less Euros. There were a lot of unanswered questions. Lisa knew if she left though it would hurt her son’s feelings, her godson Kev-

in’s feelings as well. It was their party and she had really made a spectacle of herself, well she hadn’t but Lydia had. What was she still doing here? I got my anger under control. I haven’t felt that angry in a long time. The knot in the pit of my stomach though wasn’t going away. I couldn’t play the party pooper for long though. I was sulking. I wanted to hide. I guess the only thing I could do though was brave it out. No one had asked me to leave. No one would. That would be rude. Could it be any ruder though than to be outed at a party? Jesus Christ this was a mess! I decided to return to the party. Everyone for the most part ignored me and I didn’t say anything to anyone. I was the fart in the room I guess. Gross but true. Helping myself to a brat, a cob of corn, a beer, make that two beers, and some salad I went to sit at the picnic table. The only seat available was across from Lydia. Although I didn’t want to be near her at this moment I guess it was going to fall under the whole brave it out plan. I didn’t look at her as I sat down. I could feel her eyes on me though. Cally asked “Hey Aunt Lisa, did you see what Alice did?”

I looked up to see Alice blowing a bubble with her bubble gum. “Pretty good for a 2 year old” I commented laughing. Most two year olds would have blown it out of their mouths. Alice’s tongue was making the bubble but we had to give her credit. It made me laugh. That was a start. I listened to the conversations flow around me. Several people talked to Lydia and it took a while for me to realize she was answering them in ENGLISH! Startled I stared at her hard. She faltered in what she was saying to Josh but continued on as though I weren’t staring bore holes through her. She spoke ENGLISH and for the last 9 months I had struggled to speak German to her! What a lie! Then I heard Kevin ask her what being a Baroness was like. A Baroness? Jesus Christ was there no end to the lies that I had been told, or was she lying to my family? Telling them tales so they would be impressed. For the first time I saw the jewelry that Lydia was wearing. A crest on one of the rings caught my eye. I am no jewelry expert but it looked pretty authentic. The anger was building I could feel it inside of me. As I sucked down that second beer I finished the food I had no appetite for. I watched as my nephews and sons played Frisbee tag, my

niece Cally trying to join in. Millie too was included despite being almost 7 years younger than the rest. Alice was soundly sleeping being watched over by her doting aunts. I wasn’t a doting aunt by any stretch of the imagination. My brothers were sitting in lawn chairs chatting over old times. Lydia came up next to me. “Are you ever going to talk to me again?” she asked in German. “Why pretend anymore Lydia?” I asked in English “I heard you speaking English perfectly to my family.” “If I had spoken English to you, you wouldn’t have learned to speak German so well.” It was kind of funny, I was speaking English to her, she was speaking German to me and we both understood the other perfectly. Then I remembered all the times I had spoken English for her interpreting things, mumbling swear words, whatever and that embarrassed me realizing for the first time she had understood all along. I walked along the field where the guys and gals were playing towards the fire pit. Lydia followed. Many eyes were watching us. I stopped to stare into the burning logs, turning to Lydia I asked “What is with this Baroness crap?”

Lydia looked a little uncomfortable “That is part of my name, Baroness Lydia Von Horn.” Incredulous I looked at her “in all the time we were together you might have found a moment to tell me that little tidbit?” I held up my finger and thumb and made the gesture as measuring an inch. “It never seemed the right time, I wanted to tell you but we were having such a good time, I didn’t want to ruin it.” “And that’s another thing; you might have mentioned you could afford to go on such a trip with me? I didn’t need to pay for everything?” My voice was raising but I couldn’t seem to help it. We were yelling in German anyway so perhaps no one could understand. Seth leaned over to Kevin. The kids had stopped playing as the shouting increased. “So can you understand what they are saying?” Kevin grinned, his student German was long over, he shook his head “they are talking too fast for me.” Jennifer looked up from where she was sitting with Jessica “do you think we should stop it?”

Seth looked over to where the two beautiful women were arguing fiercely in German “Naw, let them go at it, they need to get it out apparently. If we’re lucky there will be a catfight.” He grinned. Josh guffawed and said “better hope they don’t roll into the fire pit, that’s a fire I wouldn’t want to put out” he indicated the field next to the house and the two ‘hot and angered’ women shouting at each other but it wasn’t apparent which he meant, the field, or the women. There were chuckles all around. It was amusing to watch the two beauties shout it out even they couldn’t understand what was being said. “I never said I couldn’t afford to go with you. You paid for everything! You seemed to enjoy doing it all so I LET you!” Lydia was becoming just as angry as I was. “You could have paid for SOMETHING! I feel like you used me!” I sounded vicious but I didn’t care, she HAD used me! “Do you know what it’s like to be used for your position, for your money?” Lydia asked. “Yeah, NOW I do!” What the hell was she talking about?

“I never used you on purpose. What happened was a matter of circumstance. I didn’t deliberately go out of my way because you had money or because you had position. I have had that happen to me time and again. It was delightful to be on the receiving end for a change. Pardon me for enjoying it. I am sorry it went on too long, I should have told you long ago but I didn’t know how!” Lydia’s chest was heaving with her own anger. “You’re saying that that justifies your behavior?” I couldn’t believe her she was fricking aristocracy in Europe and that little tidbit had slipped her mind? “No, but you could be more understanding about my position. I don’t like it when everyone knows who I am and kowtows to me.” “So what were you doing with me? Slumming?” I couldn’t take it anymore, the anger was rising in me and I wanted to lash out. “No, I fell in love with you, you idiot!” “Well I love you too you bitch!” As we both realized what we had said our anger dissipated. I know I should have told her a long time ago how I felt but instead of saying the words I had shown her in so many other ways. I had bought her beautiful things. I had made love

to her like only someone in love can make love to another person. I had said I love you so many times in my head that it was a relief to finally say it out loud but not in anger. “I do love you Lydia but I don’t know if I can ever forgive you for outing me to my family. You don’t do that to someone you love” I felt sad at having to tell her that as I said it quieter. We had both just admitted something so monumental and now it was ruined. “You weren’t exactly honest with me either you know” Lydia said in her defense, her own voice gentle. “What did I deceive YOU on?” I asked incredulous. “You didn’t tell me your ‘boys’ were young men. Calvin tells me he is 23 and his brother is 21.” “Yeah so, how did I lie to you about that? You never asked me how old my boys were.” I was frowning, wondering where her distorted sense of proportion was going. “I think you and I both lied by omission. How old are you I’d like to know? I have always wondered?” Lydia looked at me intently. I knew her age to be 36.

“How old did you think I was?” I asked wondering where this was going. “Until I met your son’s I thought you were 33. Given your son’s ages I would have to say older now.” She grinned before adding “Unless you started VERY young.” I almost wanted to say I had just for shock value. “I am 44 years old” and I watched as the expression in her eyes changed from humor to incredulity. Shaking her head Lydia looked at me like I had grown two heads “how is this possible. You look, you act, you seem so much younger than me.” Shrugging my shoulders I didn’t know where this was going “good genetics I suppose, what’s the big deal?” Lydia didn’t know why but the age thing did bother her. She had thought that Ana was younger than her but to find her older and by 8 years really upset her. “Lydia? What does my age have to do with anything?” Lydia didn’t really know how to answer Ana. They had talked or rather yelled out many of their problems just here and now. They were all in the open now. Or were they? “Nothing, it’s

just a surprise” she hedged. It was the truth but not the whole truth, but then she wasn’t sure she KNEW the whole truth, she just knew it bothered her right now. “So any other surprises you want to spring on me now while you have the chance?” I couldn’t help but put that out there now that we had reached some level. Our voices were lower now, we were both calmer. “You know that house I pointed out that I work at?” At my nod Lydia continued “I live there.” Astounded I stared at her. She lived in a bloody mansion for Christ’s sake. Hell, it was bigger than any mansion I had ever seen. How in the world could I compete with THAT! I owned a house, and not a very good one I might add. But I did own it free and clear and it was only a place to store things after all. Frustrated I rubbed my forehead. “Are you okay?” Lydia asked. Taking a deep breath I nodded. I needed a hug in the worst way. Despite the lateness of the day the sun was still up and we were in perfect view of my entire family. It hadn’t gone unnoticed by me that they were aware of our argument but I hoped as my nephew was the only one

who had studied German, wait, my sister-in-law Jennifer had too hadn’t she? Oh hell, what did I have to hide anymore? They knew I was gay, they knew I was a lesbian; they had met and apparently approved of my lover. What more could happen to embarrass and humiliate me? Calvin and Kevin came towards the fire pit with bags of marshmallows and long forks to roast them on. Everyone else was following along with chairs in tow. Some had two chairs that they were bringing. Lydia and I were soon included in the fun as she had never roasted marshmallows before. My youngest niece Millie was happy to teach Lydia and we all were amused at her patience (Millie’s, not Lydia’s). After Lydia burned her third one though I took over showing her how to NOT let it get burned. I loved burned marshmallows so I ate them for her. She loved the toasted ones though and Jennifer showed her how to make smores. She had never had a smore either. The night wasn’t a total wreck. My family had included Lydia just as they had the boy’s girlfriends. It was all one big happy family. I was grateful no one said anything. Perhaps they sensed my anxiety over it all. Perhaps my isolating myself had said a lot to them all. I didn’t

know, all I knew was that they had taken a load off my mind that I didn’t even know I was carrying. As we headed home that night, Alex, Loara and I catching a ride with Lydia in the limo I thought how lucky I really was. My family had survived my ‘outing’; I had survived it too, for now. I was sure there were other surprises in store for me or things that would make me uncomfortable. I guess I would have to deal with them as they came. The next trial came when the limo driver carried in Lydia’s luggage into my house. I didn’t think twice about carrying it into my bedroom but then I realized how obvious was THAT? I needed to calm down though. It wasn’t like I could put Lydia in a spare bedroom, I didn’t have one in this 3 bedroom house and I certainly wasn’t going to put her on the couch. I needed to relax. I poured Lydia and myself a glass of wine. As Alex and his girlfriend settled down in his room to watch a movie I sat on the couch with Lydia and we chatted. Calvin came home with his girlfriend and headed up to his bedroom. I thought, I should be upset about them having girlfriends over and then I have my own. Shaking my head I let that one go.

As we chatted Lydia reached out to play with my hair. Gawd, I love that. I love her. She told me she loves me! I want so much to kiss her. The boys are in the house though. Then I realize. They KNOW. What does it matter if they see me kissing my girlfriend? They already KNOW! I leaned into Lydia who must have read my mind or sensed my intent, because she met me in the middle. The wine tasted doubly delicious as I tasted it on her tongue. The passion was definitely there. We took it upstairs to my bedroom. I tried to keep my cries of ecstasy muffled, I think I succeeded. Over the next few days I arranged to rent a car and began to show Lydia around. The sleek little BMW convertible was fast and fun. I took her back to Milwaukee and showed her the lakefront, the Museum, the Domes, the Zoo. I loved showing her the old houses in Milwaukee that I so adored. Their architecture just moved me and I could see Lydia thought they were lovely. I showed her the lakes around Oconomowoc. Oconomowoc had been a get-away for the rich from Milwaukee and Chicago for a century. There were a lot of ‘summer’ homes that were now in year round use. Some of the estates rivaled what we had seen in Germany. Lydia

marveled at how many German names and habits had been transplanted to this area. I took her up to the Dells and we enjoyed the water rides. Seeing Lydia in a swimsuit sliding down a 40’ slide of water was funny and exciting at the same time. We really enjoyed ourselves as I became the tour guide. I took her on the ‘Ducks’ a WWII army transport that rode on land and on water and it glided down the Wisconsin River showing us some incredible rock structures and the guide was marvelous in telling us its history. I could see Lydia was enjoying it. I took her up through Eau Claire past the bluffs and over to some caves. Neither of us were into spelunking so we weren’t about to explore any further than the standard tourist trails. Lydia was surprised how dense the woods in Northern Wisconsin was. I kept reminding her how like Germany Wisconsin truly is. I took her up to Bayfield to show her one of the northern most parts of Wisconsin and to show her Lake Superior. Man, that water is cold! Reminded us both of the North Sea. Parts of Wisconsin with their wonderful little cottages made for nice nights away as I explored with and showed off for her. It was hot as we drove through Rhinelander and headed over to Wausau, further south towards Steven’s

Point I took her to a friend of mine who owned a ranch. As we pulled up at the ranch both Lydia and I were aware we were not dressed to go riding horses as we planned. It was late in the day so we were just stopping by so I could introduce her and make arrangements for the following day. I smiled as I saw Corrine and her girls walk from the barn. I laughed as she stared at me, something must have triggered a memory as she came forward to take me in her arms and give me a hug. “I would never have recognized you in that outfit if not for your laugh!” Corrine smiled, that same old smile. I remembered it well and the warmth it used to engineer. “Corrine, I’d like to introduce you to my friend Lydia” I put out my arm to Lydia and said “Lydia, this is my friend Corrine I’ve been telling you about.” Lydia shook Corrine’s hand; they both examined each other carefully. Both were wondering what I meant to the other or what the relationship had been or was. As Lillie and Barbie walked up I smiled and enveloped them both in hugs. They were delighted and surprised. They hadn’t seen me in

years. Wow had they grown into quite the pretty young women! “So what brings you up here?” Corrine asked as the surprised conversations halted. “I was hoping to show Lydia our western saddles and American horses” I smiled at Lydia showing I was teasing. “All they have over in Germany is Warmbloods.” “Warmbloods!” Lillie had always wanted one and I knew this information would set her off. “Germany?” Corrine asked. “Yes, I’ve spent nearly a year over there. Lydia is visiting and I’m showing her around Wisconsin.” I exchanged a look with Corrine. She understood right then what my relationship with Lydia was. We stood there a while and exchanged information about where Lydia and I had been in Germany and what I had shown her in Wisconsin. The girls wandered away. As it was getting late there were chores that had to be done. We left with the knowledge we would be back the next day to ride. As we checked into a hotel Lydia waited until we were in the room before she asked “how long were you and Corrine lovers?” I froze in the act of unpacking some things from my suitcase. Turning I looked guiltily

at my current lover “how did you guess?” I rapidly thought over the hour or so we had spent chatting and couldn’t pinpoint anything that would indicate that I knew Corrine any more than as a friend. “I am very astute where you are concerned. I observe very well.” As she said it in German I realized we had been speaking it and I wasn’t even aware of it anymore it came so natural. “I’m sorry” I looked down and then quickly back up “I should have warned you I suppose. It’s been over many years and it was very brief.” I was embarrassed. I hadn’t thought of Corrine that way in a very long time, years. We were just friends. Lydia nodded watching my embarrassment. She hadn’t been sure but taking a stab in the dark had guessed. Their body language hadn’t given them away but the ease of their friendship had her antennae quivering. “You should have said something. I don’t introduce you to any of my past lovers.” I was angry at this “I haven’t MET anyone you know.” It was true. Although we had traveled in some very nice areas of Germany it was rare if ever to run into anyone Lydia knew or

I suspected she knew. “Are you embarrassed by me?” I asked attempting to turn the tables on her. This angered Lydia. “We haven’t MET anyone I KNOW because we haven’t been anywhere they would be. And NO, I am not embarrassed by you. I have never been embarrassed by you!” I realized it was foolish of me to try and turn this on her. I was in the wrong here. I should have warned her that my ‘friend’ had once been my lover however briefly. Sitting Lydia down I explained how after Caleb was gone Corrine had tried to help and we had ended up having a passionate affair much to our mutual surprise. It had lasted only a year but our friendship continued despite her falling in love with a farmer. That had bothered me the most. That she could leave me for a man. It took a while before my confidence had returned and I realized I was a desirable woman. Both men and women thought so but by then I knew I only wanted women. As we rode the next day Corrine watched as Lydia and I practiced first in their Olympic sized arena and then headed down the road to the paths cut through the woods. Lydia was amazed how good I was in the saddle. I feel more comfortable in a good old western saddle rather than

those English ones without a pommel. As we rode through the woods I enjoyed talking with Lydia as though the tense moment of the evening before had never happened. Ah Ana is showing me Wisconsin. It is a beautiful state and yes I can see the similarities between it and Germany. Perhaps it is more than I see but I haven’t seen it all yet. Ana is surprised that I enjoyed the water park. I am a child at heart sometimes, very daring. Those bluffs on the way up to Eau Claire are incredible; I can just envision the wild Indians on them watching as we pass on the freeway. The waters of Lake Superior are indeed cold and the stories Ana has of the shipwrecks give me the shudders. The woods are just as thick as the ones back home and those cute little log cabins are a nice touch. I should show her some of the places we have in Germany; in fact I think I will show her our vacation homes when we get back. Corrine is a surprise though. She almost looks dowdy next to the sophisticated Ana. Although she is dressed for the farm and Ana for high tea, even when Ana dresses in jeans and a blouse she still has a polish that she cannot remove. Corrine is frumpy next to her. I don’t have

a thing to worry about there. Her daughters are beautiful if they wouldn’t dress like farm workers all the time but then my acquaintance with them is brief. I wonder if they suspect my relationship with Ana. God Ana has a nice ass on that horse. I could watch her all day. She sits that horse so fine. She is one with the animal. Although I had watched her that day in Germany when we rode I can see why she feels more relaxed on a Western saddle. I will have to purchase a couple of these myself. I quite enjoy the novelty of them. I am not sorry to say goodbye to this part of the state. Ana driving has surprised me as I never saw her drive before. She never drove in Germany. She drives carefully and usually at or slightly above the speed limit. Funny that she chose a German sports car to show me around her home state of Wisconsin. I am having fun though. It’s almost as though our vacation through Germany had just continued here. We are so very compatible but then we had already proven that by our trips through Germany. I have never felt so at ease with someone man or woman. Ana is incredible to be with, in and out of bed. I cannot help but wonder at her inventiveness. She claims

to be a curious animal and I benefit from our lovemaking and what she wants to try. I love her. I took her over to Green Bay and showed her Lambeau Field. The Packers weren’t playing of course this time of year but it’s impressive all the same. Lake Michigan feels different and as I head down the highways towards Oshkosh and Appleton I show her the malls. It isn’t quite the same as shopping in Germany but at the same time it is the same. Some of the quaint little shops you find in Germany you have to go look for in towns instead of in the malls where you would never find them. We arrive back down in Milwaukee in mid-June, just in time to go to the Gay Pride Festival. I have never been myself. Lydia confesses she has never attended something like this either in Germany. We are both in for a surprise and eye opening experience. Men, women, transvestites, transgender, whatever, you can see it all, one big party down on the lake front. It lasts three days. The entertainment nightly is impressive and Joan Rivers headlines the final night. Lydia never lets my hand go as the overwhelming tide of humanity hugs the lake shore. I keep thinking it’s a good thing we are together or I would lose her

to so many interesting people that we meet. It isn’t just Lydia’s beauty that draws them. She has an aura. Perhaps it’s her German aristocratic demeanor but we are frequently spoken to by complete strangers. They are very admiring of my girlfriend; I can’t say I don’t mind it. This Gay Pride festival is a surprise. Ana heard about it by accident and we decided to go. I cannot believe the rudeness of some of these people. I have been hit on and Ana as well. I don’t think she is as aware of it as I am. I find myself being fiercely protective and jealous as well. Holding hands doesn’t seem to be enough. It’s the first time I have ever had to show like I ‘owned’ someone. It’s a little odd to say the least. I am sure they have festivals like this in Germany much less somewhere in Europe but I don’t think I would like to attend them again. This has made me uncomfortable. Ana seems a little strained as well, I am glad when the third day ends and we return to Ana’s little house in Oconomowoc. I will be further glad when we return to Germany and I can show Ana my home. We traveled for a couple of weeks around Wisconsin. There was a lot more I could show her but the highlights weren’t bad. Stopping at

random at various tourist spots was a lot of fun. Lydia though has been hinting she wants to go home. Should I go with her? I am home technically and yet it really doesn’t feel like it anymore. My boys certainly don’t need me here. I feel nothing for this house. I love Lydia madly and deeply and I want to be with her but still, should I move to Germany to be with her? What if I don’t fit in with her ‘aristocratic’ lifestyle? We visit my niece and have lunch. Lydia and Cally hit it off wonderfully. I can’t believe how accepting people in my family are of my lover. My female lover! I guess I was selling everyone short. Even my boys have settled into having her around. I caught Alex making breakfast for Lydia and Loara one morning before I got up. We go into Milwaukee and spend the day with Jessica and Josh and they too fully accept Lydia as my significant ‘other’. The only one I get sardonic vibes from is Seth and perhaps Jennifer. They are both a little more uptight about things but then I guess I did surprise them. It is nearing the end of June and Lydia has been a good sport about everything. Her hints to return though haven’t fallen on deaf ears. I’ve been listening. I love everything about this woman; of course I’ve been listening. It’s time

though unless I want to spend the summer playing tour guide. Lydia would love it but at the same time I suspect she is missing ‘her’ home. When I suggest ‘we’ return in the next week or so I am enveloped in a huge hug. I take it with good grace and start making love to my beautiful girlfriend. Although the boys and parts of my family are sorry to see me go, they too have lives of their own and have moved on. It was nice of me to visit but I am not a main part of their lives. I am just a visitor now, a visitor in my home too. I feel a bit of an outsider now here but I can’t seem to help wanting to leave, to be with Lydia. That isn’t what makes me feel on the outs, Oconomowoc I outgrew a long time ago and it took traveling to a foreign country to make me realize it. As the jet took off from Milwaukee I am suitably impressed. It has the Von Horn coat of arms on the outside and on the backs of the plush seats that we sit in. A bedroom with a full bathroom is at the back of the jet. We will be flying to New York first. Lydia wants to go shopping and to take care of some business, or so she tells me. I have never flown in a private jet. It is incredible to be catered to. Better than the first class accommodations I had coming back from Switzer-

land. I don’t like that servants are there for my every whim, that we are constantly being observed. Trying to act all cool and calm and collected though Lydia laughs at my nervousness, assuring me I will learn to accept it in time. I don’t think so. New York is nice. I haven’t been here before either. After Lydia takes care of business, whatever that is, I am still not quite sure and my inquiries to it are brushed aside with a ‘will see’ when we are back in Germany. A lot will need to be explained when we get back to Germany I can see. The deliberate omission of Baroness for one. Playing tourist seems easier in New York than in Germany. I don’t know if it was the language barrier or what. We go out to Liberty Island and see the Statue of Liberty. She is smaller than I expected. I don’t know why but the movies make her appear twice as tall. She is closed though and we cannot go up inside of the torch, this disappoints both of us but we still had a nice time walking around the island. We catch a boat to Ellis Island and I am thrilled to find my Grandfather and Grandmother’s names on record from when they came through from Germany. It was less than a hundred years ago but still, it’s amazing! Lydia is suitably impressed. The old build-

ings still standing are incredible. How much history has passed through this island I thought? Rockefeller center is fun and Lydia can skate! I was raised on Wisconsin ponds and lakes, of course I can skate! A turned ankle though and I’m done for the day. Lydia laughs at me. Fortunately it only hurts for a while and doesn’t stop us from going to Madison Avenue and shopping! Lydia is amazing. I never knew a woman to have such incredible taste. I have to refuse more than half of what she would like to buy me. I don’t have the room, I don’t have the need, and I won’t have her ‘paying me back’ for the last ten months. She does buy me enough though that I am embarrassed. I had gone through my clothes in Oconomowoc and left quite a few behind. My bags are already overflowing. Lydia threatens to buy me another bag. I have quite enough already. The Chrysler building, the museums, the New York Public Library, the Empire State Building, I am in heaven! We drove through Central Park repeatedly at various times of the day, to breakfast, lunch, or dinner as well as shopping. How can one woman shop so much? This is a side of Lydia I hadn’t expected to see. She is a woman on a mission. Wow, I’m glad I hadn’t seen this in Germany but maybe she suppressed

it. After a week though, I’m so done. I politely sit by as she tries on outfit after outfit. After two days of my not allowing her to buy me anything, not trying anything else on, and sitting quietly she gets the hint. We make plans to return to Europe. Amazing how different a flight in a private jet is to commercial airlines. Sleeping on the jet is a treat in a queen sized bed. I like that Lydia is curled up next to me. She tried to make love to me but with the servants right on the other side of the door attending to our every needs or so it seems I am not in the mood to have sex when they can hear us. Lydia is amused. We land at a private airport in Southern Germany, not too far from Hammerbruke, or so I am told. Our luggage which has grown thanks to Lydia is put into the immense trunk of a Rolls Royce but not before ‘officials’ come to check that we are not bringing any ‘contraband’ into the country and to check our passports. Shaking my head I have the feeling I am in for a few more surprises as Rolls drives us west from the airport and towards the ‘big house’ that Lydia has warned me about. Big house is an understatement. They refer to this mausoleum that I am going to be living in as a ‘schloss’ or in one of the many trans-

lations a castle. It doesn’t have the turrets you would expect of a castle but it is immense. It has three main wings to the house and two minor wings. There are five floors. Most of it is for Lydia’s family’s use. They do allow tours occasionally and have guests frequently but it’s been in the family for hundreds of years. The Von Horn family were directly descended from ancient royalty and could trace their family back for those hundreds of years when they had been given the baronetcy in this area of Germany. They had survived two world wars and it hadn’t whiped out their home. The family still lived in their ancestral home. I thought it too big for anything but a hotel or spa. The history of the place was interesting. I couldn’t help but be fascinated by it as we approached the behemoth. Lydia was watching me carefully. I don’t know what she expected from me but it was making me increasingly nervous. She assured me her family knew she was a lesbian and was bringing a girlfriend home with her. Her father had passed away last year and now it was just her step-mother, her brother, his wife, and their mother who had recently moved in while Lydia had been away with me. She assured me that I would be welcome. I don’t know about

most people when they meet the ‘family’ but I am sure everyone was nervous. As we pulled up in front of the evergreen laden drive I was surprised to see a line of servants waiting to greet us. The ‘Wilkommen Baroness Von Horn’ and the simple ‘Wilkommen’ were repeated depending on who was curtsying or bowing. Now that I might never get used to, I bow to no man. Not that I would know when to do that anyway. Lydia introduced me to all the servants. All 26 of those standing there from the maids to the liverymen to the gardeners including the chauffeur who had driven us and was even now struggling with all our luggage. My natural urge was to help him with my crap but Lydia steered me into the Schloss. Inside another line was waiting. Lydia’s step-mother who had married her father just a few years ago was called Elisabeth, although the German pronunciation is a little different. She was a pretty blonde with a friendly disposition and I felt genuinely welcomed by her. Lydia’s brother was a little aloof; in fact he was downright snobbish. As a Baron though I suppose he had the right. He had dark looks compared to Lydia’s. He was good looking if he wouldn’t frown so. I could tell I wasn’t approved of. His

wife was a spitfire of a little blonde, a good contrast to his dark good looks. Something about her was a tad bit sleazy but maybe it was Lydia’s warning that she was a gold-digger that had tarnished how I felt about her. Lydia’s mother though was not at all what I expected after Lydia’s warmth. First of all she looked like a Spanish Madonna with their strict and austere looks. Her black hair was pulled back tightly in a bun and it looked to be screaming for relief. Her face was really pale and the makeup she used all too harsh. I could see where Lars got his dark good looks though. Lydia must take after her father. It was lunch time by the time I had been greeted and although I would have loved a tour of the Schloss I was instead brought into the dining room. The table was large enough for 18 but there were only the six of us. I was put at one end of the table next to Lydia and on the other side of me was Brigitte, the sister-in-law gold digger. I found her to be a nice girl who didn’t say much, but then Lars said enough for both of them. I found myself being grilled by Lars all through dinner. He seemed to think I too was after Lydia’s money but after assuring him that I wasn’t and that I had money of my own it was apparent he didn’t believe me. Lydia told sever-

al stories about our travels around Germany and stressed that I had paid for all our accommodations and entertainment. Lars merely lifted one careful eyebrow, still not believing a word of it. Elisabeth though was a delight. I wished she wasn’t sitting uncomfortably next to Lydia’s mother. I, a stranger could see that it wasn’t a good situation for either of the women. They had both been married to the former Baron at one time or another. To live under the same roof was bad enough but to have to eat companionably side by side must be a little much. I found it was Lars doing though when Lydia asked about the arrangement. I could also sense that Lydia didn’t like her mother, she had felt abandoned all her life by this woman and now after her father’s death she was going to try to make amends? Lunch or dinner, whatever they wanted to call it was a little awkward. I have never been so relieved to be shown to our suite. Lars had been the only one to raise an eyebrow to this arrangement. Our luggage had been taken up already and unpacked I soon found much to my embarrassment. I didn’t want anyone to find the toys that Lydia and I shared much less the sexy lingerie we both wore. Anonymous servant faces though and never any knowing looks

were a blessing. Lydia loved showing me her rooms. Entering you had a normal sitting room for just hanging out or watching television. From this main antique decorated room in white her bedroom was a modern surprise. It reminded me from some future movie where everything was cold and white and ultra-modern or austere. I didn’t like it and something must have shown on my face as Lydia assured me we could redecorate if I wanted. I assured her I liked it but she knew I lied. The ‘spare’ bedroom off the main salon I liked a hell of a lot more. It had warmth with blue walls and unpainted wood furniture and details. Everything was richly stained and I approved of this way more than the modern motif of Lydia’s bedroom. The bathroom though I fully approved of. An antique claw tub was wide enough for two to lie in. The shower had four heads on each end with a chair for sitting that pulled out of the side wall. I loved the fact that the water sprayed hard and fast, nothing like a pulsating shower to bring you alive. The sink was ultra-modern but beautiful in its pink tinted glass. Amazing how Lydia could be such a modern freak and still have the antiques around, some of it blended very well. I am an antique freak and she knew it.

Since I hadn’t been willing to join the ‘mile high club’ in Lydia’s jet she seduced me after showing me the suite of rooms we would be living in. I let her, let’s face it when you have such a beautiful woman hot to get in your own pants or in this case up my skirt you have to let her. I couldn’t resist and to be honest I am not certain who seduced whom. I just know that the shower afterwards made things interesting as we shared it. I had never made love in a shower before and I nearly drowned as I went down willingly on Lydia. God she is an incredible woman. Ana’s eyes are like a child’s in their wide open innocence. I can see she is impressed by the jet but at the same time disapproves of the waste of money. I cannot wait to show her my Germany. It is a lifestyle she has never dreamed of. I understand now having seen the complex where she ran her husband’s businesses how despite her money she has never spent much of it. She doesn’t know how to spend money. This is an admirable trait. New York intimidates her a little I can tell but I am enjoying spoiling her and making up for my ten months of gluttony at her expense. She won’t let me buy her everything though. Perhaps I should respect her wishes. The sites of New

York are a surprise. The Statue of Liberty is smaller than I expected. Look how excited Ana is at finding her Grandfather’s and Grandmother’s name on Ellis Island! I am so pleased for her as she takes pictures. Rockefeller Square is fun. Look at her face that I can skate! Too funny. I can shop though too and Madison Avenue here I come. I can tell when she becomes bored though. Her interest is in the museums, the libraries, and the history of things. I can understand that myself but I want to look good when I go there. Ana has wonderful taste but she down plays her beauty. I want to show her off a little. I could spend weeks in Manhattan alone. She won’t allow me to rent the horse and buggy that travels around Central Park and New York. She says the horses look too down trodden and I can see her point. She has such a good heart. I cannot help but love her for it. Why won’t she let me make love to her in the jet? They won’t hear us over the roar of the engines! She is so silly about those things. Our love is open and honest, they wouldn’t care. It’s their job to cater to our needs. Ah well, we are finally here. The Rolls is waiting. Ah, the look again. Waste. She is going to love the history of the Schloss and I try telling her as we head for

home from the airport. Yes, we own this airport too, this thin strip on our lands to the east. I won’t tell her yet though. I think she is feeling a little intimidated. Oh, they’ve lined up for my return. How nice. I introduce Ana to everyone; she has that annoying habit of holding out her hand to be shaken though. They are surprised as she greets each and every one of them this way. I see Lars is playing lord of the manor again. Ah, there is Mama. I cannot believe he has moved her into the Schloss! Doesn’t he know she is NOT welcome here after all these years? Elisabeth is nice to see and hasn’t changed a bit. She was perfect for Vati. Brigitte is seated next to Ana, I hope Ana doesn’t mind but then she doesn’t know that tramp the way I do. I swear Lars only married her to anger the family. What is Lars trying to do? I can tell he is surprised how well Ana speaks German. I made sure of that. She was so annoyed to find I speak English so well. She doesn’t like my modern bedroom, I can tell. The whole Schloss is steeped in history. I knew she would like THAT but this little oasis of mine is in direct contrast with the rest of the house. I can see her appreciation for what little she has seen.

I cannot wait to be with her again, I am so excited to have her home. I cannot make love to this woman enough it seems. She makes me feel so incredible. That night at dinner, I found I was supposed to dress for dinner; breakfast was whatever we would wear to work. I didn’t have to work so I needn’t worry about that but lunch was casual when they were there for it and dinner was formal. Thanks to Lydia I had a lot to choose from. I chose that night a nice little black dress with matching pumps. I didn’t realize how it showed off my figure though until Lydia saw me in it and let out a whistle. Smiling I couldn’t believe how much I enjoyed looking good for this woman. She looked equally good in a red dress with a black and red matching jacket. We walked down to dinner together hand in hand. Dinner seemed a repeat of lunch with Lars grilling me. Lydia had switched spots with me so I was across from Brigitte and between Elisabeth and Armanda. This gave Lars a one on one view of me and allowed him to look directly at me as he grilled me. Was this guy a lawyer or what? Finally though I was getting fed up. I think Lydia could sense it though and before she could stop me I finally asked

“what is it about me Lars that you don’t like? Is it the fact that I am a lesbian, a woman, or that I love your sister?” I said it blandly enough that he didn’t realize the menace beneath it. Elisabeth choked on the vegetables she was eating. Brigitte quickly looked down at her plate. Armanda froze in her porcelain goddess demeanor. Lydia though smiled in delight waiting for her rude brother’s response. I sat waiting, staring him down. Finally when enough time had gone by to become embarrassing I commented “ah, so when the questions are on the other foot you don’t know how to dance do you?” He must have heard the challenge in my question because his look became menacing. He opened his mouth to speak but I beat him to it. “Look Lars, you don’t have to like me” I shook my head “but I am a guest of your sister’s in her home. Treating me with respect would be nice. However, if you don’t know how to do that I suggest you don’t talk to me at all. It might make for an awkward time of course but I am willing to try it.” With that I turned to Elisabeth and asked her “So that shop you were mentioning before in Dusseldorf would you like to go with me to show it to me?” which effectively changed the subject.

Lydia glared with delighted malice at her arrogant brother. She knew why he had been grilling Ana. It was an intimidation tactic. Ana had been polite and answered all his questions but she hadn’t been intimidated in the least. She may have just made an enemy of Lars but Lydia was sure she could and would handle him. Over the next few days Lydia and Elisabeth showed me around the Schloss. I was enchanted. It was fairy tale of a place. And all for only a few people. I was saddened by this. So many people would love to see the incredible collection and history of the place. Their occasional tours couldn’t be enough. Lydia immersed herself in business details over the following weeks. Her brother while the oldest male of the line was not the one who had inherited. Lydia had. Some relative at some time had insisted on the oldest as being the inheritor and as such Lydia had a lot on her pretty little shoulders. Lars resented this. It meant his son could never inherit the lands that had been in their family for centuries. Unless Lydia died without issue none of this was Lars. Although he received a stipend it was nothing to compare with what Lydia had at her fingertips. He was living

on her sufferance and it chafed at him. His snide little comments showed his bitterness. Elisabeth was a delight and showed me around not only the Schloss and its extensive grounds but she showed me properties that the family owned further out and into the city. I introduced her to my family who was delighted to see me again after so long. They were amazed how good my German had become as well. I never even thought about it anymore, I spoke German all the time. Elisabeth worked in the family firm and helped Lydia out. I found I had a lot of time on my hands and this wasn’t a good thing. I was becoming bored. Lydia insisted on giving me a BMW convertible similar to but not like the one I had rented back in Wisconsin, this time in candy apple red instead of the cold blue of before. I told her she would have to return it someday as it was too expensive of a present to give me. She laughed at me as she drove away in her own Porsche. I didn’t realize the strings she had pulled to acquire this particular M6 though at the time. I just liked that it was four seater and had some power. The brown leather seats were quite comfortable and I loved it. The steering wheel was on the left side just like I was used to and shifting ef-

fortlessly through the gears I couldn’t help but be grateful for the toy my girlfriend had purchased. I just had to get used to driving in Germany and that the speed was in kilometers instead of miles. It wasn’t as hard as I thought it would be. The estate had a lot of roads I could practice on before I went on public roads. I had to get a driver’s license for Germany and Lydia put me in contact with a man through her company that helped me with all the legal documentation. I already had an American driver’s license, they tested me of course but it was not a problem. I wonder if Lydia pulled some strings there too, I wasn’t going to question it. The car gave me freedom I hadn’t had before. I certainly didn’t like being taken out in the Rolls, waiting for Lydia or for Elisabeth to be free, or walking that much. I visited my family often. Rich loved the car and begged to drive it but I wouldn’t let him. I teased him about breaking it. Rich was fun when Lydia was too busy to take me into the city. We would pick up Peter and his girlfriend and the four of us would go clubbing. The club where I had met Lydia was fun but they showed me the seamier side as well. My car assured us of first class treatment and I didn’t realize how expensive a car it was until I had to

have some paint touched up by a jealous woman who keyed my car! I was angry at Lydia for buying such an expensive car! “Do you think you’re keeping me now?” I yelled at her when I found the car was worth over $116,000 in dollars! “No, not at all, I knew you liked convertibles and had fun in that BMW, I came across this one and thought of you!” Lydia was hurt, I could tell by the tone. Softening a little I asked “what do you expect of me? I have nothing to do all day. You can’t just buy me things to keep me amused. What should I do with myself?” “You go out often enough with your friends” she answered a little resentfully I suspect. “I have nothing to do otherwise. I drive around for hours, I ride your horses until my ass is sore, what do you expect of me?” I really was frustrated and tempted to go traveling again but I didn’t want to go without Lydia. Her life was here though, I understood that. The ten months we had spent traveling together had been hard for her but she had managed because she wanted to be with me.

“Perhaps I could find something for you to do in my company.” Lydia mussed. “Great, you’re going to hire the ‘girlfriend’ to give her something to do. Someone is going to hate me or no one will talk to be because they are afraid of insulting me or something. This isn’t a good situation Lydia.” I could hear the exasperation in my own voice. “You swim every day in the pool, you ride the horses, you hike, you read, you drive, what would you like to do?” she asked. Shaking my head I answered as I left the room “I don’t know, I really don’t know.” That was part of the problem. I really had no place in Lydia’s life except as her lover as I viewed it. Lars, Lydia, Elisabeth all left for work every morning. Armanda had her charity work which didn’t interest me at all. I had no idea what Brigitte did with her days but then she didn’t come out of her rooms except when she ate or Lars was around. It was a little odd but that was her life. I couldn’t wait with my legs spread (pardon the crudity) waiting for Lydia to notice me. I was becoming bored and this did not bode well. I don’t know what to do with Ana. She has fully explored the house according to what I have seen and what Elisabeth has told me. She

hikes in the hills for hours a day; this keeps her in excellent shape, that and the horse riding. None of the horses does she fear. It’s amazing. My own Brutus bucks everyone off but me and Ana got on him and stopped that behavior immediately by yelling ‘ye haw’ which startled him. It was really quite astonishing. I can see her boredom though. The house is managed through Armanda now; I cannot give that task to Ana without offending both my mother, my brother, and who knows who else. I offered her a job at Werx but she wasn’t interested. I understand she doesn’t know what to do with herself. I don’t want her to leave me just because she is bored. The manager of Studio tells me that Peter and Rich are frequent guests with my ‘friend’, what if she meets someone else? No, that’s just insecurity talking on my part but I just don’t know what to do to help her. Elisabeth came up with an excellent idea though. As Ana got to know more of the history of the house and read through the books they had available she lamented that our occasional tours should be increased. This bred the idea that we should have tours weekly or eventually more. The family wasn’t using the entire house and the main sections we used could be closed from those areas that the tours would use. Lord knows the

house is big enough to hide an army. Ana’s term ‘a mausoleum’ was amusing but sometimes apt. Elisabeth approached Ana about coordinating the tours. Not only the employees who would need to be well versed but making pamphlets and brochures, advertising, a budget. The idea was met with enthusiasm. So finally I have something to do. Although not in the field I had been in Wisconsin it was challenging. Meeting with tour guides, hiring staff, coordinating the catalog and brochures. Getting the word out that the Von Horn Schloss would be open for tours, weddings, parties even. I really had to fight for those last two items on the agenda. Lars was appalled that we were turning his home into a money making idea. Lydia was amused. Elisabeth intrigued. Armanda shocked. When the whole package was ready I brought it to the table. The dinner table actually. I carefully prepared several prospectuses of the venture. I had hired a professional photography team and had photos of the Schloss from many angles, many lights, and had researched until I found many decades of the house itself. I found a treasure trove in the family albums and in the attics. It had taken months but the catalog showing the rich history of the region and the Schloss itself

was beautiful. I had worked long and hard and the accompanying brochures and tour guide was impressive. I sat and waited as the family viewed the prospectus. Lars was overwhelmed. He had expected something shoddy and been prepared to hate it. That this American had put together such a tasteful presentation annoyed him but he didn’t show it. There had been several show downs since that famous dinner and he had always come out the loser, he wasn’t going to chance that again or give the tart tongued lesbian a chance to make him look the fool. This though surprised him; the amount of work, the talent that had gone into the prospectus was immense. The rest were quite impressed. Brigitte was surprised when Ana handed her a copy as well. She was usually not included in family decisions. As they all paged through the catalog, the brochure, the schedules it was very professionally done. There was even several pictures of the Schloss taken from a helicopter. Ana had done an incredible and thorough job.

Lydia was astounded. She knew Ana had owned and operated her own businesses in the States but this; this was her family’s history. The Schloss had never looked so good or been presented in such a fashion. She had captured the history, the ambiance, the incredible dignity of the house. Lydia had been amused when Ana had started the project, their sitting room had been knee deep in papers and books until a room had been set aside for her office in one of the wings of the house. They had to give her a larger office shortly thereafter and Lydia had enjoyed decorating it as a surprise for Ana in the warm wood tones she enjoyed. She had also enjoyed the surprise when Ana found the modern computer, the printer, the fax, the scanner, and the copier at her convenience. She had been annoyed though when Ana began working longer hours and Lydia had to go in search of her. It had been Ana who waited patiently for Lydia to come home from long hours at Werx. The reversal had been a surprise. Many times she couldn’t be found in her office but on the grounds directing the photographer, or in the attics buried in long forgotten trunks, or in the basement checking out some forgotten room that they now used for storage. Oma’s journals had become a nuisance to Lydia as they came to bed with Ana for some ‘light’

reading. The change in Ana though had been to Lydia’s benefit. Their time together now was precious and Ana no longer suffered from boredom. She still hiked, she still rode, she still drove and partied but it wasn’t with the same detachment that had been a part of her boredom. She lived now. Lydia saw the results of months of work in her hands, it was incredible. The prospectus outlined that this catalog would only be made available for a yet to be determined price in a small room that had been set aside as a gift shop of sorts. Photos of the Schloss would be available for purchase as well as other novelty items. Reviewing it Lydia realized why Ana had been so bored, she was an incredibly talented organizer. The outline for employees and training was extensive. Lydia found in the catalog things about the Schloss that even she didn’t know although she had lived there all her life. Already there were plans for a second catalog on the Schloss to be released next year. Wow, Ana had worked incredibly hard. The proposal suggested an opening date of this spring. It was already September and with the family’s approval in this case actually Lydia’s approval it could move forward immediately.

Lydia approved wholeheartedly. The tourists would be out of the Schloss by 4 the days that the tour was allowed. Small carefully controlled groups would be allowed in and escorted through the uninhabited parts of the Schloss. Weddings and parties would be scheduled months in advance so the family would not be inconvenienced. Ana was brilliant and had taken the worries, concerns, and feelings of the family into account before putting it all together. It was an incredible feat in so relatively a short period of time. Lydia thought that Werx could use someone of Ana’s talent after all without anyone losing their job. She had done an unbelievable amount of work and it was all put together beautifully and tastefully. Elisabeth’s thoughts were similar to Lydia’s. What a waste of talent to have had Ana sit bored all that time. She was a find and Elisabeth intended to talk to Lydia as soon as possible about Ana working at Werx. They could use this kind of promotion to help their own public image. Armanda didn’t like that the Schloss would be opened to the public. She was pleased to see that Ana had emphasized the tightly kept groups, the limited access, and the integrity of potential employees. She didn’t want her home in-

vaded. She hadn’t lived here in years after the divorce but she felt safe here and when Lars had offered her a suite she had snapped it up. In payment she took over the management of the house as Lars had no time, Lydia was off touring with her latest girlfriend, and Elisabeth was busy at Werx. That evening as Lydia and I returned to our suite, our arms around each other enjoying being together I pulled out a large wrapped package from behind the couch to hand to her. I loved surprising her. I knew the prospectus she had in her hand had been a surprise. I am like that, I am thorough. It had cost a mint to get things the way I wanted from the photographer, the printer, the costs, the budget, etc but I had enjoyed it immensely and Lydia had given me carte blanche, with an unlimited budget I had shortened the amount of time a proposal such as this usually took. The research hadn’t been difficult and the house itself was a treasure trove of information. I couldn’t put it all together in the first catalog but the second would be even better. I eagerly looked forward to it. Handing Lydia the package though I watched her with a little smile of anticipation on my face.

“Was ist das?” she asked smiling. I knew she liked that I was always surprising her in little ways. As she tore away the wrapping paper to reveal a mounted picture I was pleased at her gasp. It was a framed picture of the Schloss taken from the highest hill a mile or so away with a telephoto lens. It had been taken at dusk with the sunlight enough to enhance the Schloss and keep it from shadows. The color though brought out a blueish tint to the house that was rarely seen. I could see that it affected Lydia the same way it had me when I first saw the proof from the photographer. I had insisted on it being blown up for I knew I had to own this and give it to Lydia. “Oh my God, Ana, this is incredible” she couldn’t believe her beautiful home looked even more beautiful if that was possible. Was the air ever that clear to make the Schloss look so intense? It had to be altered? But Ana assured her it hadn’t been even touched up when she asked. Lydia immediately took down the picture of a basket of fruit that hung over the mantle above the fireplace and getting on a footstool she hung the photograph. It looked awesome with its antique frame and the Schloss practically glowing. We sat on the couch and looked up at it at

least for an hour. It was that mesmerizing a picture. I know I looked at it a lot every time I walked by. I caught Lydia looking at it reflectively quite often in the coming days. Turning she kissed me a thank you; I returned it with a kiss of your welcome that led to other equally interesting interpretations of gratitude. I had to begin to hire extra people but I was going to wait until January. I wanted them duly apprised in the history of the Schloss and I wanted my advertising campaign to pay off. We had months to prepare. Lydia wanted copies of the catalog to give out as Christmas gifts to everyone they knew. I phoned in a reprinting of the original 1000 copies just in case. Meanwhile I kept a notepad handy for any ideas that came to me as I really was done until the tours started. Despite being ‘done’ though ideas still came to me randomly and writing them down helped me to clarify things I wanted to do. Lydia and Elisabeth both talked to me about working part time at Werx, the company Lydia’s father had founded and left to her. This too was another bone of contention with Lars who worked there as well. He didn’t like that his big sister owned everything and he who had inherited several million marks didn’t have more

power. I found out too that he would only carry the name Baron as long as he lived. His sister and her heirs would carry on the legacy unless she died. That didn’t sound good to me as he was very bitter over it. I knew my working at Werx didn’t set well with him either. For a few days I rode in with Lydia which we both enjoyed. We found though that with our different schedules that I needed to drive myself. A friendly little race a couple of times though ensued. I let her win every time as I didn’t want to scratch my BMW which I absolutely loved, I didn’t like the fact though that Lydia had bought it for me. We began to go to parties together. I didn’t mind being Lydia’s date. It amazed me how accepting these blue bloods were though of Lydia being gay. Apparently everyone knew anyway so I was accepted. A few tried to point out that she had been with other women and I would soon go by the wayside but I wasn’t planning on going anywhere and these catty people I wrote off. Lydia and I were enjoying each other. Now that I had work to distract me I looked forward to any time I could socialize with Lydia. I enjoyed getting dressed up, looking nice for her, it made me proud to be seen with her. I think she

too sensed the difference in me and enjoyed me as well, it was a different aspect of our relationship and we were both happy with it. In October I got a surprise that turned my world upside down. Lydia and I were sitting quietly on the couch watching the fire holding each other, just enjoying being together when out of the blue Lydia asked “Ana, will you marry me?” I thought she was joking at first but when I pulled back to look into her face I realized she was serious. It was one thing to go out in public as girlfriends but to actually marry and refer to each other as ‘wife’ this kind of bothered me. Looking alarmed I shook my head and said “no.” The shattered look on her face alarmed me. “Lydia,” I took her hands in mine to try to convey the depth of my feelings, and to keep her from getting up “I don’t need the bond of marriage to stay with you.” “I want you to stay forever...” she began. “I will stay forever if that is what you want. I don’t need a ceremony to do that.” I tried to explain but she was really hurt. “I want you to wear my ring, I want the world to know that I love you, that we choose

each other, that you will never leave me” she was practically pleading I could hear the note in her voice. “But I don’t need a ring or a ceremony to say all that. I do love you, everyone knows that. A ring and a ceremony will never keep either of us together if we want to go” I tried to explain. It did no good though as we argued back and forth. Neither of us raised our voices but the hurt in hers cut me to the quick. I can’t believe she turned me down. Doesn’t she know how much I want to be with her forever? I bought this lovely ring for her to wear to show the world how much I care. Why won’t she wear it to honor me? I have never been so hurt by Ana. Her arguments have merit and I understand she believes her point but really, can’t she see this is the natural progression in our relationship? I want to honor her by marrying her, not ‘just’ live with her! The rift went on for several weeks. It was Elisabeth though who helped to heal it. Ana felt constantly pressured and badgered by the hurt that Lydia showed. The whole family was aware of it. Lars took pride in being able to say that here

ends another of his sisters lesbian escapades. Armanda tried to talk to her daughter who brushed her off. The quiet at the dinner table was overwhelming except for an occasional effort on Elisabeth and even Armanda’s part. Elisabeth though finally sat at Werx one day in the office that Ana had been given and waited for her to arrive. Ana didn’t work full time at the office which gave her plenty of time to pursue things still necessary at the Schloss as well as pursue her own enjoyments. “Well hello!” I said pleased to see this member of Lydia’s family. “Guten Tag Ana!” she answered with a smile. I immediately plunged into the portfolio I was carrying from the printer. He liked me; I had sent a lot of work his way recently. After fifteen minutes of enthusiasm though I was done and Elisabeth was pleased with how things were coming. “Ana, why don’t you want to marry Lydia?” she surprised me by being bold enough to ask. “I don’t need to be married to stay with Lydia in this day and age” I answered my readymade answer. What was the big deal?

“Don’t you see though that Lydia needs that? That she wants to have the ceremony to commit yourselves to each other?” It was Elisabeth’s gentle voice that began to penetrate my obstinacy. Looking at her wryly though I wanted to say no, I don’t need it, I don’t want it but as she pointed out it was Lydia not me who needed and wanted the commitment. Why was I hurting the woman I loved? It really shouldn’t be such a big deal to make her happy. Sitting back in my seat I realized that to make Lydia happy I would do anything, I loved her. Smiling at Elisabeth I answered “is it that big a deal here in Germany for a same sex marriage?” Elisabeth returned my smile “not really, they acknowledge them here fully. You have equal rights as any hetero couple.” “Know anywhere I could buy a beautiful ring for a beautiful woman?” I capitulated. Elisabeth smiled fully and came around the desk to give me a hug “I will help you shop!” she laughed. I laughed with her remembering my first months of exploring and shopping with her. I liked Elisabeth; she was a good friend to both me and Lydia.

That afternoon we drove into the city together. I don’t know what Elisabeth’s arrangement with Lydia is at Werx but she seemed to be able to leave at will. She directed me to this little hole in the wall jeweler. It was really tiny but the man knew diamonds. I didn’t want just any diamond though. I thought about Lydia’s love of the modern which was reflected in our bedroom that she had offered to redecorate. Drawing a little on a paper I explained sort of what I wanted and described Lydia’s taste to him. As Elisabeth watched Ana come on full board to the idea of marrying Lydia she was amazed to realize how really thorough she was in anything she chose to do. From the Schloss to Werx to this, she really thought it through. She really knew Lydia and her tastes too. The design she knew Lydia would love. The jeweler thought he could have the gold work design done in a few days it was just a matter of choosing the diamond. Elisabeth and I poured over several before I found a size first of all that I liked. Looking at shape and color I chose a blue diamond that almost looked aquamarine in a square cut but it would be put on the setting in a diamond shape so the square wasn’t so boring. The cut was perfect for what the jew-

eler and I had drawn up. Elisabeth was pleased. I was fortunate that she knew the size that Lydia wore, I would never have really thought of learning her ring size before. I certainly couldn’t ask her now or she would be suspicious. After all my arguments I thought it best to surprise her with this. We left that jeweler with a healthy deposit in his hands and a promise to call me in a few days. I was wired. Heading over to a coffee house we celebrated. I was grateful to Elisabeth for her prodding and her help. She had become a true friend. Leaning towards her as I thanked her I couldn’t tell her enough how grateful I was. I wasn’t aware how this would look though as Lydia came through the door of the coffee house. Surprised I smiled in greeting but that died when I saw the anguished look on her face. “What’s wrong?” I asked alarmed as she came over to our table. “What are you two doing here in the middle of the day?” she asked testily. Surprised I could only stare in amazement but Elisabeth saved the day. Pulling out the proofs I had given her she said “oh, we got these from the printers today and we stopped here for a moment” she handed the proofs to Lydia.

Lydia immediately calmed down and sat to join us. I exchanged a puzzled look with Elisabeth who shook her head slightly at me. As Lydia read the proofs she sighed, ordered some coffee of her own and asked “how long until we can begin using these?” That led to business conversation that I could answer truthfully. Elisabeth had deflected a potentially awkward situation but I wasn’t happy about it. Lydia had been prickly for a while since I refused her but the wedge wasn’t gone yet. I knew it wouldn’t be until I had a ring of my own to give Lydia and told her I had changed my mind about marrying her. It took another week before I had the leverage to remove the prickles from my girlfriend. It hadn’t been easy to live with Lydia. Lovemaking was non-existent as she froze me out. If I didn’t love her so much, know how hurt she was, and knew the ring was almost ready, I would have moved out! Damn, she was a bitch. But I did love her, knew how much my refusal had hurt her, and knew any day the ring would be ready, I was willing to wait it out.

That night I took off from work early and returned to the Schloss with the ring in my pocket. He had done a beautiful job. He had twisted and fused strands of gold into a braid that circled the ring. The blue diamond against the bright gold was breathtaking. I wanted to look at the ring forever and if things went well tonight I would. I had ordered flowers special for our suite. The Schloss had a regular standing order for flowers throughout the used family space but I ordered special and informed the staff of my wishes regarding them. Furthermore I stopped at the store to buy food especially for a dinner for Lydia and myself. I chose the wine myself, no connoisseur I had learned about this one red wine from Lydia during our travels through the Rhine Valley. We both enjoyed the taste of it. I also had bought a golden champagne that would complement the meal nicely and allow us to celebrate appropriately. Making a roast with all the vegetables I had asked permission of the cook to use one of her stoves for our ‘separate’ and ‘special’ meal. I also took the time the previous night to make a desert that needed to set overnight. The staff was careful not to touch my preparations. They too had felt Lydia’s displeasure; they knew not what caused it but hoped that my special pre-

parations would at least diffuse it. As I said, she had been a bitch. They hadn’t had to live in the same room with her or sleep with her though. I knew what time to expect her since Elisabeth was following in her own car and had phoned to say she was on her way. I had the covered roast and vegetables wheeled up to our suite and rolled up to a table where I had elegant plates and crystal awaiting us. The candles were lit and the flowers placed about the suite. I had changed into a really elegant gown that I knew I had never worn and one I knew Lydia loved. She had chosen it for me in New York. I had strewn rose petals on a path from the door to the table and I waited. I saw the lights of the two cars as they entered the courtyard and the servants took the cars away. I listened intently as I waited for her footsteps to approach the door. It seemed to take forever until she was opening the door to the suite. Looking down at the mail she was going through in her hands she didn’t notice the rose petals right away. The dim light though had her reaching for the switch when she realized the candles lit around the room. She saw the abundance of flowers and then the path of petals leading to the table set up by the windows where I stood with a glass of wine in each hand.

The surprise on Lydia’s face was wonderful to see. The butterflies in my stomach were huge. I think they had hatched to caterpillars the way my stomach felt. I smiled as I held up a glass for her. “What is this?” she asked her voice a bit haughty. I ignored it, putting it down to the bitchiness that had been going on for the past few weeks. “This is dinner” I answered amused, keeping that tone in my voice knowing it would annoy her. I put her wine glass down at her place setting and began to uncover the roast and the side dishes. I began to cut the roast as she approached the table putting down her briefcase and throwing her coat on the couch. “A romantic dinner for two?” she asked, I could still hear the snottiness in her voice. “Or something” I answered as I sliced the roast and made up a plate for her. “We could eat this with my family.” She stated the obvious. “Then we wouldn’t be alone and I wouldn’t have made it for us” I answered amused. With the look in her eyes though I could tell I was treading on thin ice. I don’t think she

wanted to forgive me yet but this was really romantic. Sitting down she reached for her glass of wine. Her first sip though was a surprise. I don’t think she thought I’d remember this delightful little wine we had shared. The look in my eyes sparkled as I placed her plate before her. “You made this?” “Everything on your plate and the desert I made myself for us.” I told her keeping the amusement in my voice. “You cooked?” I nearly laughed at the incredulity in her voice; she obviously hadn’t heard me the first time. In all the time together, other than sandwiches, she had never seen me cook. Didn’t know I could cook. Who did she think made meals for me and my son’s all these years? I certainly didn’t have staff while they were growing up. “Yes, I thought it would be nice, just the two of us.” I answered to keep from laughing. Dinner was delicious. The roast beef slightly pink, the carrots, potatoes, and onions melted in our mouths. The butter and gravy made mashing them easy. We went through the entire bottle of wine. For desert I had made ambrosia. It’s simple with sour cream, maraschino cherries, mandarin oranges, pineapple, and marshmallows.

The marshmallows suck up the extra juices and the combination is a fruity sweet delight. Lydia was appreciative. Her frosty anger had diminished somewhat during the meal but maybe it was the wine. I don’t know if she has ever had ambrosia but her delight was like a child’s. I warned her after her second helping that it could cause gastro-intestinal problems. I had to laugh at the look on her face once she realized what I was implying. After dinner I carefully put everything back on the wheeled trolley and took it to the mini elevator in the hallway and pressed K for kitchen. I returned to the suite to see her eyeing me speculatively. She had of course noticed the gown immediately. I closed and locked the door to our suite and lit the fire I had prepared. The ready start got the flames going immediately once I applied the match. I returned the screen and sat on the couch inviting Lydia by patting the seat next to mine. I know she is up to something. She never dresses like that for dinner. What is that delightful smell? There are flowers everywhere in our suite. We never order flowers like this. What could they be thinking? It’s bad enough when Armanda goes over the household budget in her quest for exot-

ic flowers but this was too much. What is that on the floor? Rose petals? How romantic. Is she trying to apologize for hurting me? I can feel the ice around my heart melting a little but what is going on? It isn’t an anniversary. What is this dinner? What do you mean you made it just for us? I know this wine! How did she remember it? She is laughing at me, I can tell, her eyes are sparkling. This is delicious. She does know how to cook! I never thought to ask her. What is ambrosia, wow this is yummy, I must have more! Gastro-Intestinal what? Is that champagne over there? I really have been a bitch lately; here she is trying to be so romantic. The fire is lovely, what a nice touch with all the candles and the lowered lights. Sitting next to her I cannot help but smell the alluring perfume she uses. I am being set up for seduction. I don’t mind. It’s been weeks since we made love and I really miss her. “Would you mind opening the champagne” I ask her. Grabbing the glasses I hand the chilled bottle to Lydia. Using the wire around the cork she twists until with a pop the champagne is opened. I was careful not to shake it so it wouldn’t bubble and spill out when opened. Carefully Lydia poured it

into our crystal flutes. I cannot help but admire the clarity of the crystal that the Von Horn family uses; this one even has the family crest etched on it. Lydia has been remarkably close mouthed tonight not asking what this was all about. I know the gown I was wearing screamed seduction but she didn’t know what I had in mind. As we saluted each other and took our first drink I began by caressing along her neck. We both enjoyed the sensation of that whether it was given or received. I couldn’t help but think maybe I should seduce her first. No, the proposal first, seduction later in celebration. “Lydia, remember what you asked me 3 weeks ago?” I began, knowing as she stiffened up next to me that she did indeed remember. I’d have to be pretty obtuse to not understand the anger since then at my ‘rejection’ of her proposal. “Yes” she answered frostily gulping the rest of that fine champagne. She’s going to regret that later I thought as I copied her and refilled the flutes. “I thought about your proposal and I hope you will offer it again” I looked deeply into those incredible golden eyes I loved so well. My own I knew were twinkling with the secret only I knew.

“You made your thoughts on the situation very clear” there was the frost again. “Okaay,” I stressed “then how about I ask you” I dug in the couch where I knew I had hidden the box “Baroness Lydia Von Horn, will you marry me?” I smiled as I flicked open the box one handed, something I had practiced knowing I’d be holding the flute of champagne in my other hand. Lydia looked at me incredulous. She looked at the ring. She looked at me again. Her mouth was hanging open in astonishment. I wanted to laugh, I really did but I kept it in check with my smile. My smile faded a little as she stared in amazement at me, the ring, me, the ring. Shaking my head a little I asked “is there an answer somewhere in there or have you changed your mind?” It hadn’t occurred to me that my arguments might have changed her mind. I thought she would have accepted my proposal immediately. My spirits started to plummet. “I thought....I thought you didn’t need a ceremony to ‘stay’ with me?” she asked. I could tell she was dying to look closer at the ring. My spirits returned with a bang. “Don’t you know that women are notorious for changing their minds?” I asked gently.

Her arrogant little chin jutted out. Gawd, I wanted to kiss her. I loved knowing her so well. She was annoyed and thrilled all at the same time. “When did you change your mind?” “Oh, over a week ago. It took the jeweler this long to put the ring together for me.” I said flippantly knowing I was using her prickly side against her. I grinned at my audaciousness. “Why didn’t you tell me?” she asked anxiously looking deep into my laughing eyes. “Babe, you have been a bit difficult” what an understatement “to live with lately. I wanted to apologize but I also wanted to have this ring for you before I told you how sorry I am that I hurt you.” My grin had faded and my eyes I made sure the twinkle was gone as I looked earnestly into hers that looked on the verge of tears. “Don’t you know how much I want to marry you? To make this a forever commitment before everyone? To make you my Frau?” She asked not waiting for answers to her questions. It just occurred to me that we were talking entirely in German and it never fazed me. “So, is that an answer to my question?” Smiling her incredible smile she nearly knocked over both our flutes of champagne as she wrapped her arms around me in a breathy hug

and said “yes, yes, yes, I will marry you!” She was crying as she kissed me. I couldn’t hug her back except one handed with the flute in that one hand careful not to pour it down her back. She had crushed the hand holding the ring between our bodies. It was the first real kiss I had gotten from her in weeks as she froze me out and would only allow pecks. I’d missed kissing her and I responded accordingly. It reminded me of our first kiss and I was a little reluctant to end it but I had a flute of champagne in one hand and a ring box cradled in the other, I couldn’t exactly caress her the way I wanted to. She laughed with genuine joy as she sat back. “Salut” she held out her champagne flute so we could tap them together. The ring of real crystal is beautiful. Carefully I drank half and put the flute on the side table. Taking the ring from its box I gently pulled Lydia’s left hand to me and placed the ring on her third finger. I noticed the Von Horn crest on the ring on her right hand. “Beautiful” she breathed as she admired the huge stone on her elegant hand. I had admired those hands from one of the first moments I met her. Everything about her was aristocratic and appealed to my senses. The kiss we shared now

that we had both hands free and able to grasp, caress, and feel each other as we strained towards each other was much better. I was a little dazed and confused when she pulled back and said “the ring” and jumped up from the couch to run in our bedroom. I don’t know if it is the champagne or the wonderful feeling her kiss had provoked but I am feeling a little dizzy. It wasn’t all that flattering that she ran off like that but I figured she had her reason. Reaching for the flute I drained it of the remaining champagne and contemplated refilling it as Lydia returned from the bedroom. Ana has truly amazed me, not only the delicious dinner, the romantic setting, but the ring! How had she known that that particular shade of blue had always been my favorite? What a unique setting! She wants to marry me? God I love her! “yes, yes, yes, I will marry you!” As I kiss her I remember that I haven’t given her a ring. I hadn’t even shown it to her after her refusal those weeks ago. It was petty I know but in my anger over her refusal I thought showing it to her would make no difference. Hopping up I ran to get it from the bedroom, searching for the box I found it in my

underwear drawer where I had tucked it away. Smiling I returned with it in my hand. “Ana, I want you to know how much I will always love you. This is a token of that love.” I handed her the distinctive red box. Even here in Germany the name was well known. As I sat gazing at the words Tiffany across the box I registered surprise that she had bought this way back when we had been in New York. She knew then? I gently opened it to see the most amazing Swiss Blue Topaz. I was instantly in love with it. An oval cut it caught the light every which way I turned it. Lydia removed it from the box and gently put it on my third finger. I looked up and deeply into her eyes so moved I could only begin to tear up. Smiling delightedly Lydia kissed them away and then began to make love to me. I let her, I had no choice, I was engaged to marry this incredible beautiful woman, besides I wanted her so much. We announced our engagement that morning at the breakfast table. Only Elisabeth seemed genuinely happy for us. I hadn’t really expected Lars to jump up for joy at his sister’s lesbian lover becoming a member of the family but I was surprised when Armanda took me in her

arms and said “Welcome to the family,” I think the look of surprise on Lydia’s face mirrored mine. I met Lydia at a photographer’s studio that afternoon to have our pictures taken. We both wore beautiful gowns that didn’t match as I didn’t want that ‘posed’ and ‘gay’ look that I had seen on so many same-sex couples. Germany certainly was a bit more equal where same-sex couples were concerned. Putting the announcement in the paper the next week with the beautiful pictures the photographer had taken raised no eyebrows. I bought extra copies of the announcement and mailed them to all my friends and family. I waited, cringing for the fallout from that. It took another week for them to get the envelopes apparently so that short reprieve was all I got. “Hello” my phone rang and I could read the caller I.D but the number was garbled. “Lisa, we got your announcement” yeah, and? “Congratulations” Jessica’s voice rang over the international lines. I had kept the international phone so it was technically on my dime when they called. Jessica’s was the first of many positive well wishes that I received over the next few days.

If it wasn’t for my nephew’s congratulations and the emails I got I would have thought that Seth and Jennifer’s entire household hadn’t received the notices. I had mailed them from Germany after all and things could get lost in the mail. Their silence though was more than made up for by the rest of my friends and family that had something nice to say about it or about Lydia. Lydia was inundated after the notice appeared in the paper. She knew a heck of a lot more people than I did. I had been proud to take the engagement picture with her by my side and then one of our hands over each other’s showing off the rings. The wonderful comments that Lydia relayed was really nice and supportive. Not too many people were negative. I was pleased that my German family was so sweet about it. Not only was I marrying into the Van Horn family but the fact that I was marrying a Baroness seemed to impress them. Lydia herself though was well known in Hammerbruke having grown up at the Schloss. They knew all her secrets, or thought they did. Some of the things I now heard needed some explaining. “So, you’ve been married to a woman before?” was one of the first things I asked Lydia. I hadn’t wanted to attack her but in over a year

of being together she hadn’t mentioned it and I thought it was kind of important. Startled Lydia looked up from the newspaper she was reading in our suite after dinner. “Yes, but then I mentioned Alby to you before.” Nodding I had to agree. She had mentioned an Alby before “But you didn’t mention that you were married to her.” That’s it, point out the little details. Lydia seemed genuinely surprised. “I really thought I had told you she and I were married for a year and then divorced.” Shaking my head I asked “Any other marriages or divorces you care to mention?” I think the sarcasm was coming through. Lydia rose from the couch and came to sit on my lap in the easy chair that I was reclined in. Looking into my annoyed eyes she said “yes, I told you I was married in my early twenties to a man by the name of Walter that I had the big wedding, he cheated on me and that ended.” She smiled as I nodded “I also was married to Alby who I divorced. I have also had a few girlfriends before and after that. It is inevitable at this point in my life that I have a past. You do too.” She pointed out gently.

She was right. I too had a past but not knowing she had been married to Alby kinda bothered me. Adjusting her in my arms as she sat on me I couldn’t believe this beautiful woman wanted to marry me. I couldn’t help but wonder though why had she divorced this mysterious Alby. “Why did you divorce Alby?” Was I making too much of it? Sighing deeply Lydia answered. Putting her head close to mine she leaned her forehead on mine. “She found she couldn’t stay married to a woman. Strangely after the divorce though she dated other women and left town to live with one of them. I don’t know what happened to her after that.” I felt bad for Lydia. She was such a wonderful, intelligent, beautiful woman and had some lousy marriages. Why me though, what made her think it would work with me? She must have read my mind. “I think because you and I are more mature, we know what we want out of life. The sex is incredible” at this she smiled “but it isn’t everything.” It isn’t? “I think we have both lost people we cared about in our lives through the growing process. I want to grow old with you; I want to have a family with you.” She did? What

did she mean? “I want to make a marriage work with you!” She was so earnest in her statements I forgot the family part as we began to kiss. I loved this woman; I wanted to stay with her forever if possible. If marriage took work then so be it, I was on board for it, hard work never bothered me. As we made plans over the coming months for a February wedding I was surprised at the protocol that we had to follow. Lydia made some things easier. The red tape for instance. I was a citizen of the United States. I didn’t wish to relinquish that citizenship. Lydia certainly didn’t expect me to. Instead I applied to become a citizen of Germany. It would mean I would have dual citizenship. It would also make it easier for me to marry a German citizen. It was amazingly easy to marry in Germany much to my surprise even if we were a same-sex couple. I demanded a prenup in Lydia’s favor though as I didn’t want anyone to think I was marrying her for her money or position. I would not get a title by marrying her other than Frau. Basically, in my mind I was already with her, what matter the legalities. They mattered to Lydia though. They mattered to her family. Elisabeth was surprised when I demanded that the prenup be in Lydia’s favor but understood

my reasoning when I explained. Lydia though insisted that the prenup be for ‘only’ five years as our marriage would last much longer than that, I tried for ten years but she was adamant and I really didn’t want to upset her over this issue. Lydia arranged for a plane to fly my friends and family over for a week for the wedding and parties. Since we gave everyone plenty of notice I was pleased how many accepted. They still had to arrange time off from work and passports. Even if they were farther away they could at least make it to Milwaukee for the flight to Germany. I was pleased and surprised when I got an acceptance from Jennifer and Seth. Their four boys were coming, girlfriends too, my sons and their girlfriends, my niece and her daughter, I heard nothing from my sister but that was okay by me, Josh, Jessica, and their two were coming, Corrine, and her two daughters were coming, her husband couldn’t leave the farm. It was a happy crowd that I met at the airport that cold February morning. Lydia stood proudly with me as we watched the plane taxi in. It couldn’t come to the private airport it was too big. We had arranged several buses and chauffeurs for the week for our guests who would be staying at the Schloss. God knows there was plenty of room. I was pleased

to see a couple of my other friends had braved the transatlantic flight. I knew a couple of them had never flown before. Oconomowoc had a lot of small town attitude. Everyone from that flight got there on a Thursday and that night was the first of many parties. People came from all over Germany for the pre-wedding parties and I found it harrowing. If Lydia hadn’t stood by me through the whole process I would have collapsed. By Saturday and the wedding I knew I needed to take up drinking. Between becoming an interpreter and a liaison between the American and German factions I thought I would die of exhaustion. The German family was delighted to meet the American relatives en masse and the few who spoke English got along fine, it was the constant questions which all seemed the same that I had to translate that got me. Lydia laughed because it wasn’t that long ago it was I who was the one who didn’t speak that well. If I hadn’t seen Lydia who had walked in before me waiting at the altar in her gorgeous wedding gown I would have run from all the people crowded in the tent we had put in the courtyard. It had heaters at intervals since it was February and the winters here reminded me of

Wisconsin. The day was sunny at least and for that I was grateful, it boded well for the ceremony. She looked so beautiful it took my breath away. That this beautiful, incredible, intelligent woman wanted to marry little ole me, Analisa Meunier from Oconomowoc, Wisconsin blew my mind. That she loved me I had no doubt. That I loved her was never in doubt. She made me want to be a better person; she made me do things just because I loved her and wanted to make her incredibly happy. Here I walked up the aisle; we had both chosen to walk at different intervals up the aisle to the Lutheran minister who had agreed along with the justice of the peace to marry us. I wore a satin wedding gown that was figure hugging; she wore a complementary piece in lace. Our designer was a nice woman from the village who had sketched out exactly what we wanted. I couldn’t wait to reach my fiancée as I walked between all those eyes. Some were not friendly. Lars of course glared out his hatred of me and his sister, which was easy to ignore. Most though were supportive and happy for us. I was thrilled at the turnout of my friends and family who had put their lives on hold to celebrate with us. I found out later how brave Jessica thought I had been to actually marry the woman I loved in front

of God and man, especially the man in the form of my disapproving brother Seth as well as others. There would always be some who didn’t approve of a marriage between two women. I was grateful we were marrying in Germany where it had been accepted, legally, if not to a degree morally. So I promised in both English and German to love and honor, in sickness and in health, till death do us part. I also promised to respect, adore, and cherish, but neither of us said obey which had been a bone of contention with the minister as it was in the marriage ceremony. Neither of us would agree to that one. I felt doubly married because of the dual languages. It was for our American guests that we did it in English at all. She is skittish. As the plans become more concrete I see her ready to run. She is brave though. Those who would cast a pall over the celebration, Lars and his ilk she looks down upon. Sometimes I think Ana is more of a blueblood than I am. Whatever her background I don’t care, I love her. She treats me so well, she loves me, she adores me and if I didn’t love and adore her just as much it would make for an unhappy end-

ing. We are going to have a happy ending though. It isn’t an ending though, it is a beginning, the beginning of our life together. It is strange to dance your first dance with a woman in front of your entire family. I am not homophobic or I wouldn’t have just married a woman. I am however very private when it comes to my relationship with that woman. I didn’t mind holding hands; I didn’t mind kissing her in front of the cheering crowd. I didn’t mind the congratulations in the receiving line. I certainly enjoyed the family photos of us all in our finery. The photographer I had used on the Schloss was thrilled to be our official photographer for the wedding. I knew he and his crew would take wonderful pictures of us all together, separately, candid, and posed. As the strains to the song we had chosen first began to play I tensed to meet Lydia in the middle. Everyone stood back as the photographers rushed to take their shots. Hundreds of pictures and only a few would be chosen. As the DJ played the strains of the song I thought this sounds so real! He was really good. As I heard the words to the Celine Dion song ‘Because you loved me’ I was surprised as some of the words were changed, how had he done that?

Lydia noticed my surprise. She knew how much I loved Celine Dion and knew all her songs by heart, some of them even in French despite not speaking the language. As we danced I listened with a slight frown between my eyes and she laughed. Just then on the stage set up for the DJ a black curtain I hadn’t noticed was drawn back. I stopped in our wedding dance when I realized Celine Dion herself was standing there singing the song! I looked at Lydia astonished. The crowd behind us gasped and exclaimed. They crowded closer as Lydia and I stopped dancing and stood with our arms around each other and listened to her beautiful voice. Celine finished the song to tumultuous applause. She began to sing ‘All by myself’ and then ‘It’s all coming back to me now’ some of my favorite songs of hers! Lydia had arranged a truly amazing surprise for me. There were tears in my eyes as I looked at her. The love that shone out of hers in response took my breath away. I wanted to take her from the reception and make love to her in gratitude like we had never made love before; it was the only way I could think to adequately thank her for this incredible gesture. As the last strains of ‘It’s all coming back to me now’ faded away the crowd roared its ap-

proval. I really tried to hold back the tears as Lydia held me. I squeezed her close in response. Celine came down the steps to give us both hugs; my tears seemed to touch her heart as she said in English “Ah Ana, I hear your one of my biggest fans.” I could barely nod but managed it. I was so choked up. She seemed to understand though as she chatted with Lydia and other guests. Her parting with me was sweet she leaned over and said “you better keep her; she went to a lot of trouble to fly me here for your wedding reception. Both of you must come back stage next time I am in Germany” I asked her to stay for the reception but she said she had a concert that night in Berlin and Lydia’s jet was standing by. I thanked her as the tears rolled down my cheeks. Lydia dabbed at them for me and we went to the bathroom to repair my makeup. It really was an incredible gift. I couldn’t hope to top that one, I wouldn’t even try. We had been teased about where we were going on our honeymoon since we weren’t leaving until our guests were gone on Tuesday. We were keeping it a secret as this was one part of the wedding and all its hoopla I wanted to plan for my beautiful bride. Hearing people refer to me as

Baroness Von Horn’s frau was a little startling. When I heard my brother Seth tease Lydia as being Mrs. Lisa Meunier though I thought we had reached some sort of acceptance. It had certainly startled Lydia who laughed with us. My oldest son informed me that he was planning on asking his girlfriend to marry him when she graduated in June that I should be a grandmother in a year, I swatted him at the thought and he laughed. A bride and then a grandmother? Not what I had thought about a year and a half ago. As we waved goodbye to our guests from the terminal I was happy to drive my bride of three days to our own private jet waiting on our own private runway. The porter took our luggage aboard. I had told Lydia she was only allowed one case and we would share the bag that would carry our dresses and shoes. As I had advised her to bring warm weather clothing she had plenty of room in her big monster sized bag. That woman really took too much on our trips. The poor porters had usually needed a crane to lift her luggage. They and I were pleasantly surprised that my wife (my wife? That was weird to say) had listened to me. As we took off Lydia curled into me from the seat next to mine and asked “so where are you taking me schatzie?”

I laughed at her; she had been trying for weeks to figure out where we were going. I had to use my laptop over at my Onkel Friedrich’s house to arrange things with Rich’s help. He worked in town part time at a travel agency and although we wouldn’t be using a commercial airliner the rest of our trip would have to be arranged through normal means. The pilot had been sworn to secrecy and despite Lydia’s wheedling no one had told her where we were going. I knew she thought we were going to the South of France but even at this time of year it wasn’t as warm as where I wanted to take her. As we arrived in Athens Lydia was astonished and pleased at my surprise. I had really researched this in anticipation of finally pulling it off on her. With a private jet we could go anywhere in the world but I wanted to enjoy my bride and knew Greece was just as accepting if not more so of lesbian couples and I knew we would both enjoy the heat of the islands, the history of the cities I had planned. Greece has had so many civilizations rise and fall, conquer and be conquered the many things we saw were almost overwhelming. My charming bride managed to find shopping centers though. Although I protested I succumbed to shopping with her many

hours. Lydia was fun though. She indulged my love of history and I indulged her love of shopping! We spent many hours on nameless beaches as our boat took us through the incredible blue waters surrounding them. We had countless picnics on and off the boat. Lydia was hilarious to watch as she fished from the boat, not wanting to bait her own hooks. She did spend a good half an hour trying snag some huge fish that finally snapped her line. She talked about ‘the one that got away’ much to my amusement. We spent many hours on wave runners flying across the incredible blue green waters, getting sprayed by the waves. By the end of the trip we were both tanned and healthy, her with her blonde brown locks even blonder, my own red brown tresses even redder. It’s amazing even if you have made love to a woman 100’s even 1000’s of times that you can still desire her. I found myself falling even deeper in love with the woman I had married. Ana was so thoughtful towards me. She made love to me almost as though it was the first time each time. She could arouse me with just a look sometimes. She surprised me with her spontaneity and how inventive she could be. No one would have guessed our ages we acted like chil-

dren. Yes we were newlyweds and the hotels we stayed in knew that but even still I am surprised what behavior we got away with. The Grecian wines are very different from the German wines I am familiar with. They seem to have the kiss of sunshine even in the taste. The pale amber of some of them is just as delicious to look at as to drink. I got drunk on making love to my wife; I don’t think the wine had anything to do with it. I couldn’t seem to keep my hands to myself as I fell in love with this wonderful woman all over again. I am looking forward to the rest of our lives together, hopefully forever. As their two weeks came to an end they both realized how much they enjoyed their company and regretted that they must go home. Ana had to get back to the opening of the Schloss to tours, already they were well booked out in advance for parties and weddings. Their catalog had been received warmly at Christmas and already was in its second printing. Lydia had to get back to Werx as Lars had been creating problems for a while and she needed to nip it in the bud. With her being gone so long last year he had laid his plans well and it was a constant struggle to stay ahead of him and his plans.

It was May before I came up for air or so I felt. It had been a whirlwind spring. The opening up of the Schloss had been well received. I had done my footwork well and people were constantly turned away until the next time. Parties, weddings, receptions were all held in the ‘other’ wings away from the family’s private quarters. There had only been one breach of security but I had caught it in time that it wouldn’t happen again. I wanted my family happy and the income the Schloss generated no one could refuse. Sales from the gift shop, from the village where copies of the products from the gift shop were offered brought in residual income they hadn’t anticipated. The locals enjoyed a boom in their economy as well as tourists shopped in town and stayed in the small hotels and inns. Lydia surprised me tonight though. She began to talk about having a baby. As this was the first time I had heard of it I was genuinely surprised. I don’t know if I handled it very well. Obviously I wasn’t a good choice for a candidate to have a baby at my age. I had turned 45 in the fall. Lydia at 38 was a little old but as she had never had children how could I deny her the privilege? Damn, I thought I was done with all that!

My children were in their 20’s! I was due to be a grandmother in a few years. I didn’t want to be raising babies at my age! I really couldn’t tell Lydia that though. I stressed she would have to go to the doctor to get a clean bill of health, we would have to research for a donor unless she wanted some anonymous father for her child, she corrected me with ‘children.’ I can’t tell you how thrilled that news made me, and yes I am being sarcastic. Seeing Lydia with her new nephew Hanns though made me realize how selfish I was being. She would make a terrific mother, who was I to refuse her. She was my wife and I wanted to make her happy. Apparently motherhood was the way to make her happy at this point. I didn’t want to be changing diapers though at my age! Grandmother was one thing; they went home when you were done playing with them. But a parent at my age, shyte, I was so not on board. Lydia had fully researched it though at some point. She had all the answers. She suggested I talk to my cousin Rich so genetically our children would be related to both of us. She had originally suggested my sons but I had balked at that idea. It had genuinely disturbed me to think of raising my own grandchild by my wife and my

son only seeing it on trips across the globe. Nope, that didn’t set well with me at all. I couldn’t even imagine asking either of my sons for such a donation. No way. I don’t know why asking my cousin who would be closer geographically would be any easier but amazingly it was. I was surprised when he said he would consider it. As time went by though and I got caught up in my work I thought or maybe I hoped the idea had died. Lydia though had the bit in her mouth and was carrying it. She arranged with Rich to have his sperm tested. She herself was healthy enough to carry a child she was assured by the doctor. I had no choice but to be supportive. I was squirming a bit though at the thought of my cousin donating the sperm that would be inserted into my wife, kinda gross. When I found Rich actually excited by the prospect I knew I was in the Twilight Zone. These people thought differently than this small town American girl. Rich was a good friend though. He sat me down one day after the first round of invitro-fertilization and told me that he was going to join the army. He wanted to know that if anything happened to him that his parents would be taken care of and that they would have grandchildren on this earth. He and his girlfriend hadn’t worked

out and he was in a nowhere job in town so he was joining the army to see the world, see if he could better himself. He was planning ‘in case’ though. His sperm had proven highly mobile and he had donated enough for several implants if necessary. It was frozen in case of need for Lydia. I am amazed at this unselfish attitude in my young cousin. As Rich left for training camp I could only hope that he would be okay. His mother and father both were crying as he left on the train and Lydia and I waved. They knew nothing about their son’s amazing gift. I gave Lydia a special gift for our four month anniversary. Since we had been married in winter we had few outdoor pictures of us. I arranged with the photographer to meet me on the hill behind the Schloss that overlooked the grounds and the barns. I rode Lydia’s favorite horse Brutus and we took pictures of me in the summer like air in my wedding dress, with and without the saddle, riding astride, hidden by the folds of the skirt and then a few of me riding sidesaddle or so it appeared some with the hills behind me some with the Schloss and the grounds. The horse wasn’t happy with the blowing skirt, but he liked and trusted me so I could handle him, and I knew I looked good as I had the photo-

grapher bring a make-up artist. I chose one of me riding side saddle only with no saddle and Brutus and I both looking directly into the camera, both appearing to have a little smile on their face my skirt splayed out on the side of this beautiful horse. The proofs I had bound in a little book and presented both the portrait and the book to Lydia one night when she was feeling especially down. Her joy over the gift knew no bounds. Lydia felt she had to make an equally gallant gesture. She decided we needed to go shopping but she wouldn’t tell me where. I had to bring an empty suitcase and my passport was all that I was told. Let me tell you packing for such a trip is a challenge. When we were in the air for over 10 hours though I realized we had to be going to the United States. When Lydia finally confessed we were going to Oconomowoc to visit my family and friends and shop there and in Milwaukee I was indeed delighted. She had one upped me and I didn’t mind in the least! What a thoughtful and generous wife I had! Sitting in the mall in Oconomowoc I’m so not impressed. Oconomowoc is a fairly large town but the mall is pathetic. There is none of the major stores like JCPenny and Sears and the smaller stores come and go because there is just

not enough traffic. The mall is located outside of town and people seem to prefer going to the burbs for the more open spaces. It’s not that noisy though and for that I am grateful. I am sitting there people watching in the food court with my food before me in a plastic tray. “Lisa is that you?” I look up and smile as I recognize Janie. I stand up and give her a hug and a kiss on the cheek. Smiling I greet her two daughters also. “What are you doing here?” “Oh, we’re doing a little shopping” I indicate the two bags sitting at my feet. “Join us?” I indicate the vacant chairs around the table. “Us?” Janie’s eyebrow rises at her inquiry. I blush but I smile and answer “ah, you’ll see.” Janie knows me too well for me to hedge like this but she is apparently willing to wait. Pulling out the chair next to the one across from me she sits down. Her daughters each take a seat, Millie sitting next to me. “So, what are you doing in Oconomowoc?” Millie asks knowing I don’t live here anymore. “Well, we decided on a mini-vacation to see places around the country where I have lived, visit people, etc” I sound pretty jovial.

“We?” she asks. I smile mischievously “you’ll see.” Just then a hand is on my shoulder and a lilting voice goes “Ana?” Looking up at the beautiful woman I immediately stand and smile at her. “Lydia, I’d like to introduce you to some friends of mine” indicating Janie and the girls I say “Lydia, this is Janie, Millie, and Jessie Bartley. Girls this is my wife” I see the raised eyebrows at that one “Baroness Lydia Von Horn from Germany.” “Your wife?” Jessie asks incredulously in her fourteen year old mind. Nodding I smile, knowing I had shocked them all. After all how many same sex couples do you meet in Wisconsin? Lydia holds out her hand to shake Janie’s and nods at each of the girls. “Yes, I’m Ana’s wife; we’ve been married for four months now.” She smiles her brilliant smile and I feel my heart melt, it always affects me that way almost every time. “It took me some time to convince her to marry me but then she is stubborn that way” she grins to show me she is teasing as she takes her seat across from my own.

“Ah, I think that’s the German in me, somewhere I heard that all German’s are stubborn.” I grin at my German wife. “Oh really?” her accent comes through on that indignity. Nodding and laughing I agree with her. “You’ve been married four months?” Janie asks incredulously. Looking over at her I smile and nod. “Yes, you never answered the invitation so I assumed you at least knew.” “I never got an invitation” Janie states a tone of hurt in her voice as though I had deliberately excluded her. Shrugging I don’t really care. The hurt of not hearing from certain friends and family at my engagement to this beautiful woman much less the invitation to our wedding has lessened. Despite Janie’s apparent hurt we had a lovely visit. Here I sit again at the end of our week in Oconomowoc in the same spot waiting for the same woman to come out of the bathroom. Damn, she uses every opportunity to try out bathrooms in strange places, I swear. The effort is wasted on me though, I find her beautiful regardless. Actually, we had some clothes to return and I know

that’s how she shops so she has an excuse to go back. She kept teasing me about seeing Victoria’s Secret here at the mall. I don’t know why that always makes me blush but it does. I am just grateful for another chance to eat some bourbon chicken, the only place I know that makes it anywhere. We should really try to steal the recipe we both love it so. Lydia tried it for the first time last week when we arrived and loved it immediately. I’m waiting to start eating for her to arrive back from the bathroom. I enjoy eating with my beautiful and distracting wife. “Lisa? Is that you?” Wow, someone is using the same phrase again as I look around in surprise. I smile “Hello Lonny, how are you?” I nod and then spotting two other familiar faces I say “Hi Suz, Lindy.” “Wow, I would never have recognized you except for the hair!” Lonny gushes. I know I’ve changed in the two years since she has seen me but should I take it as an insult or a compliment? “Well, I’ve lost a bit of weight and I dress a little different” I grin at the understatement. I look fantastic and I know it. The polish I’ve gained from having lived in Europe shows

through in the clothes I now wear. The weight was lost more than two years ago. “I thought I heard you lived in Europe somewhere?” her let’s be friends attitude is grating on my nerves but you would never know it by my courteous cold demeanor. “Yes that’s right” I nod “I live in Germany now.” “What are you doing here in Oconomowoc?” she asks. “We are shopping, visiting friends and family, doing a tour as it were.” “We?” I knew she would pick up on that. Holding up my ring finger I show off my engagement ring and wedding band. “Yes, I got married four months ago.” Now I see the gossipy nose quivering. The other two are leaning in listening unabashedly. “Really! Who did you marry?” Fate was really playing into my hands today as Lydia walked up and put her hand on my shoulder “Ana?” she inquired gently. Standing immediately my own height matching Lydia’s perfectly we both stood there tall, slender, beautiful, and proud. “Lydia, I’d like to introduce you to some former friends of mine, we worked together at one time, several years

ago” Lydia glanced at me, she knew me well enough that my tone was telling her more than what was being said. “This is Lonny, Lonny Washinski” Lydia reached over to shake her hand. “This is Suz Paulser and this is Lindy Gratzini.” I waited until all three had shaken Lydia’s aristocratic hand, in my eyes I could see that they were impressed by her demeanor, her attire, her accent as she said “I am pleased to meet you” and then I added for affect, “this is Lydia Von Horn, Baroness Lydia Von Horn, my wife.” I smiled at Lydia as I said it knowing I could see their startled reactions out of the corner of my eye. I enjoyed every minute of it. Lonny was left gaping like a fish. Lindy looked immediately repulsed. Suz, I thought her eyes were going to pop out of her head, I really wished they would. I’d be the first to crush them under my Prada’s. Lydia had indeed interpreted the situation correctly, immediately. She turned to me and said “I’m sorry darling we must go, there is something that we need to do with our jet and I really must run down to the airport.” “Your jet?” I heard Lonny ask, obviously the speaker for this group.

Nodding I turned my smile on her “yes, Lydia’s family has a private jet we are using to tour the country before it takes us back home.” Turning back to Lydia I ask “you wanted to stop at a few more stores I thought.” “Well it really can’t wait, we need to go. I’m sorry if you wanted to stay with your friends....” I could tell by the light in her eyes though that she was teasing me. I couldn’t let her get away with that. “Oh, no if we must go we must go” I gathered our two styrofoam containers of bourbon chicken and put them in a plastic bag “but you did want to stop at Victoria’s Secret.” Smiling her impish smile she answered “well for that I will delay our return.” Turning to the now blushing women before us “it was nice to of met all of you. Perhaps on our next visit we could visit longer. Bye for now.” She pulled my arm along at the elbow making it seem totally natural as I waved my goodbyes to the gaping women. As we walked away arm in arm I leaned over and asked “how did you know?” Trying to look innocent was not Lydia’s forte. She smiled her devastating smile at me and said “I remember you telling me a very bad story

about a “Lonny” person; I assumed this was her and decided to act the ‘Baroness’ for her. Did you think it worked?” Smiling in appreciation of my beautiful wife’s intuition I nodded and said “for that I will buy you something that we will both enjoy from Victoria’s Secret!” Lydia smiled in anticipation. It was June when we found out Lydia was indeed pregnant. I was on board at that point, I think. I insisted she tell no one until her fourth month. I didn’t want to jinx it or raise false hopes. I think Elisabeth suspected though, she more than the others seemed to realize how often Lydia ran to the bathroom to throw up. Although I covered where I could she had morning sickness for the first three months! It was not pleasant and it killed our love life. The libido just basically died between us. I knew it was because she was hormonal. It wasn’t because I didn’t find her attractive in fact I was aching to have her, to be with her but I wasn’t going to have her one sided. I respected us too much to allow that. I loved her too much to let her mind play games on her over it. I tried to be understanding with all her hormonal surges, it wasn’t easy and I had to bite my tongue

a lot. Her moods rose and fell as time went by and keeping my retorts to myself was becoming harder as she became such a bitch. She also didn’t like the restrictions I set on her. No more could she ride her beloved horse Brutus, this seemed to irk her the most, when the doctor backed me up though she really had a temper tantrum. He explained that although she was healthy, her age was against her and why take the chance of losing the baby? We took long walks though and this at least cheered her. I tried to be loving and supportive but with her surges of anger it was a bit dicey. As the fourth month began and we snuck to the doctor’s for her monthly check up I was grateful that the morning sickness seemed to have subsided. I think Lydia was grateful too. That clammy feeling and the pale look did not become her. Dr. Hauser examined her and declared she was doing fine. She did an ultra sound that day and asked us if we wanted to know the sex. I kind of wanted to know but I also liked surprises. Lydia was adamant, she wanted to KNOW. I gave in of course. It was going to be a boy! I was pleased for Lydia she was so happy. That happiness had to have an outlet, and our enforced lack of sex was lifted, lucky me!

That night we celebrated with sparkling apple cider. I would only let Lydia have one glass of wine per day. I thought of myself as being a bit over protective but I had a lot of advice for her and I wanted her to be healthy and okay. I wanted her baby; she corrects me when I do that, our baby to be okay too. I don’t know if I am not completely on board when I make that slip but I do think of it as Lydia’s baby and not mine. It’s better to keep that thought to myself since it upsets her. Tomorrow we will announce it to the family and we will need all our strength for that. I can tell Ana wasn’t too happy at my thought for us to have a baby. I have always wanted a baby. I never told her that was one of the many reasons Alby and I broke up. She didn’t want children. I did and I do. Ana’s sons would make our children related to both of us, it was such an excellent idea, and I am sorry how offended she became. Rich was a good second choice. He actually realized how much he would be helping us make a family. I think that is why he said yes. It was a surprise his going into the army but maybe for the best. I really don’t want the ‘father’ of my child to be around. Ana and I will raise

this baby or any others we decide to have as our own, our very own family. Morning sickness sucks. Ana was so good to me though. She held my hair back many times. She was always ready with water for me to rinse my mouth, crackers to help settle my stomach, and white soda as well. She covered for me too as we tried to hide it from my family. We have done pretty well too. The only one who I suspect realizes the truth is Elisabeth but then I don’t mind her knowing. She is a true friend. I only wish she had more time with my father while he was alive, she misses him terribly I can tell, I hope she isn’t too lonely with us, we adore her so, think of her as family. I know my brother is going to go ballistic when he realizes I am having a child. I have lived up to the terms of the will. I got married and now I will truly have an heir. He thought he had outsmarted me with having his son with that little gold digger. I won’t allow him to steal my inheritance though. He has always coveted what is mine. If he didn’t hate Ana with such passion I would really worry about that as well. Ana is so unconsciously beautiful and he would seduce her if he could. He has always been a vile person and once he found out what the will read it

really turned him. I have to get him out of Werx as soon as I am able. I have to have the board’s help though; I can’t just fire him because I don’t like him. When he does the job he is supposed to do he is good at it. He had made points though when I was gone with Ana. I didn’t realize how underhanded he could be. I have to watch him. It’s a boy! I am so excited. Ana seems happy about it as well. She tells me she is relieved because she knows how to handle boys. Her sons are fine young men and she did a good job with them. I have no doubt that that our son will turn out just as good with her as one of the parents. I am so excited to share our news with the family and our friends! Well that went rather well considering. I was sitting in our private suite on the couch watching as Lydia paced. Her brother we had expected to be angry but her mother had been particularly nasty. That had upset and surprised Lydia. While she could understand that her brother’s plans had gone awry, she couldn’t understand her mother getting upset that her ‘pure’ blood was being sullied by someone she didn’t even know. What did it matter as long as the Von Horn blood continued? Armanda herself wasn’t a Von

Horn but had married into the family. Brigette certainly wasn’t blue blood. We had decided not to tell anyone who the donor was at this time, they didn’t need to know and we didn’t need more problems than we already had. Once Lydia calmed down enough to let me hold her I tried to soothe her by just caressing her. She was very upset at the attack from her mother. What right did she have to say anything? She hadn’t raised her own children. She was only related to them by blood, not by any bond. She had abandoned them. I totally agreed with Lydia but then I had never heard Armanda’s version of things. We rarely talked. It took hours but finally Lydia fell asleep in my arms. It was a little awkward and I woke up stiff but we slept on the couch holding each other all night. As Lydia’s pregnancy progressed her hormonal surges had changed. Although I enjoyed a healthy sex life with her even I became alarmed at her demands. She became predatory. I never knew when or where she was going to attack me. At first I was a willing victim after our three month hiatus but her audacity alarmed me. I began avoiding Werx because I certainly didn’t want to get caught in my office, her office, or the copy room where we had a delightful time once.

I took to riding our horses at odd times to avoid her but even that didn’t work out when we made love in an unused stall one day. I did put an end to using toys inside her as I was concerned about inserting things. We didn’t ask the doctor but Lydia laughed at me at the thought. Hetero couples certainly inserted a penis despite the wife’s pregnant state. The last time we made love using a double headed dildo though I had to stop her. It was an incredible moment of course with her riding me to our mutual finish but she seemed so abandoned in her primeval responses I was genuinely worried that the dildo would go too deep and harm the baby. I can’t tell you how many times over the coming months though the sight burned into my brain of her riding me and loving me aroused me. We had other ways of making love that was mutually satisfying but that particular time was incredible. I couldn’t seem to stop myself from caressing the growing mound of her stomach. She looked so beautiful as she popped. By her fifth month she had to begin to buy maternity clothes and they looked good on her. Evenings we spent watching TV in our suite on a couch holding each other. I think she became annoyed as I caressed her and the baby so much.

“Are you going to love this baby more than you love me?” Lydia asked one night. Surprised I could only look at her for a moment. “What are you talking about?” “You seem to pet my belly more than you touch me” she said sulkily. Used to the rapid change in her moods I thought I understood. She must have sensed how reluctant I had been at first at the idea of her becoming pregnant. Now that it was a fact I had not only been protective of her and the baby but become a full supporter. I loved her though, she had to know that. “I am caressing you! I love YOU!” I stressed. “The baby is a part of you” he kicked my caressing hand and I smiled in response as I glanced down where my hand lay and then glanced back up at Lydia’s own startled expression “the love I have for you will change over the years, hopefully always for the better, I have room in my heart for a child as well.” I hoped by explaining this gently to her she would understood. I know I am behaving like a child. Ana has never been anything but supportive in anything I want to do. Although she has been overly protective and says no to some things, if it’s

something I truly want she is there to back me up. How can I be jealous of our son? Even he seems to understand what she is saying. There’s another kick! In Lydia’s seventh month I began to have trouble sleeping. I worried about everything that could go wrong in a pregnancy, everything that could go wrong in a woman this age. I tried to hide it of course from Lydia, not wanting her to worry. Many was the night though where we made sweet love that I waited for her to fall soundly asleep and I slipped out of her arms and paced in the outer room. Some nights I snuck down to the swimming pool and did laps at 2 in the morning! This exercise tired me enough to sleep until dawn. One night though I overdid it and as I was drying off on the side of the pool I fell asleep in the chair. I was surprised to wake up with a blanket covering me and Lydia in the chair beside me. What is bothering Ana? She denies it of course. I can see the worry in her eyes as I grow bigger. By the time I am done with this pregnancy I will be enormous. Already she has been making hints that I shouldn’t drive my Porsche and a

couple of times insisted on driving me in her BMW. Soon she says I must take the chauffeur driven Rolls everywhere. I can drive myself, even if I can barely fit between the seat and the steering wheel. Am I being too independent? She thinks I don’t know that she leaves our bed nightly. I can see the circles under her eyes. A few nights she has fallen asleep on the couch in our suite, she is always sure to have a ready excuse in the form of a book or papers she needed to read. I followed her a few nights as she went to swim and watched as she did her laps. I covered her and watched her for an hour as she slept alongside the pool. I love her so much; can’t she see I need to know why she is so worried? After her catching me at the pool I made a concerted effort to rid myself of my anxiety. I began to research the data on pregnancies in women Lydia’s age. The overwhelming data I found made my anxieties increase. I finally sat down with Dr. Hauser who assured me to the best of her abilities that Lydia was fine, was doing well, and should have no problems. She was surprised at my knowledge and how much I seemed agitated by it all, after spending quite a bit of time with her though I did feel a little better; she had arguments

and counter arguments for all my fears. Some of it caused immense relief. I wasn’t completely off my rocker in my fears but Lydia was doing well, she was healthy, she was happy. I needed to let things move along. I hate being this pregnant. I feel like a fat cow. Ana doesn’t seem to mind, she still caresses me, she massages my aching feet and legs, and she waits on me to make things better. I feel guilty though, she isn’t my servant, and she doesn’t work for me. Anything I say about it though she soothes away with a few words. She loves me, she wants me to relax, and she wants me to stay calm for the baby. We play name games and we endlessly go over books that contain names, with a name like Von Horn though the name should reflect its importance. Ana laughs at me, she says I will understand more when I am holding that little baby in my arms how little that ‘importance’ will matter. As I waddle about the offices doing my work I cannot help but wonder what Lars is up to. The mood at Werx is very good, I can see the progress we have been making and the course is set. Ana’s efforts have paid off in so many ways and the image she has fostered has helped me im-

mensely with the board. I cannot help but wonder though when and where Lars will strike. Ana is aware of my fears; she likens him to a cobra or a rattlesnake. I must be cautious around him and not let my guard down for a minute. Ana worries that this anxiety might harm me or the baby. Baby, do you know what your mother is like already? I feel him moving inside of me all the time. I hate what he makes my body look like but Ana seems to love it. It hurt my feelings though when she rubbed my stomach and called me Buddha as a joke. She says she finds me sexy but I cannot feel less sexy as I gain water in my ankles, my legs feel like lead, and this little monster kicks my ribs. Hiccups are hilarious but uncomfortable if they go on too long inside of me. Ana soothes a lot of my fears and stupid questions. It is good that she has gone through all this before; she knows so much and helps so much. I am glad when I see her during the course of the day at Werx, she is there for me as well. You would think we would get enough of each other working together as well as living together and yet we don’t. It’s a beautiful thing. When she stands up to Lars at our status meetings explaining where her projects for Werx are going I can almost cheer. The board is very impressed. I can

only stand at the head of the table with my big belly out in front of me looking sad. Ana assures me everyone is most impressed as I am working until I cannot work anymore. Ana is amazing. Despite working at Werx, she still runs the Schloss and its tours with incredible efficiency. She has hired some excellent staff. She uses Werx to screen any potential applicant so that we have trustworthy people working for us. I have gone on the tours myself and learned things. The continued ‘finds’ and the knowledge that has surfaced about the Schloss is thrilling. I am getting an increased sense of history despite having grown up here. Baby, do you realize how much history is behind you? I had to practically beg Lydia that last month to have the Rolls drive her to and from work. I wanted to hide the keys to her Porsche but that would be treating her like a child. I didn’t want to do that. She and I had already had words over me hovering and ‘mothering’ her. I felt though that enough was enough when I saw her tugging herself out from behind that wheel. How stubborn that beautiful woman could be! I know that Lydia doesn’t feel beautiful right now. She doesn’t know how sexy she really does look. She claims I only want her for the big

boobs she now has for the first time in her life. I couldn’t care less about the boobs. Her body in general appeals to me on the basest of levels and I cannot get enough of holding and caressing her. I almost feel as though I can’t win. If I don’t show I love her she gets moody over her ‘fat’ body, over its distortions. If I touch her too much I get accused of loving the baby too much or being a sex fiend. I don’t think she realizes that sex isn’t always on my mind. I am amazed and delighted though how much she is still able to do and we still enjoy ourselves. “I need to go to work and I need to go NOW!” Lydia practically shouts. I can see by the look in her eye that she is a little bit unbalanced. Let’s put it down to hormones. “Look, the Rolls needs service, we didn’t anticipate it being towed. If you can wait just a half an hour I will drive you” I try to say it calmly hoping she will calm down as well. “I’m taking the Porsche. The hell with you all” she says as she stomps out. Elisabeth looks at me startled and I shrug. I anticipate that she won’t fit in the Porsche and will come back to wait for me. I have to finish going over the numbers I have ready with Elisabeth

before we both head to the office. The Schloss must run efficiently whether I am on site or not, I insist on it. I am too good at both of my jobs not to give 110% while I am at the job in question. Well, apparently she fit behind the wheel as she didn’t wait for me. Annoyed I head out in my own BMW to head into town to my office at Werx. Elisabeth is only a few minutes behind me. Lydia and I are going out to dinner tonight or I would have offered to commute with Elisabeth. Oh well, we all need our vehicles for various reasons. That day is super tiring. I have had it with Lars and his interfering and I let him have it both barrels as he tries for the umpteenth time to undermine me and my work in front of a board meeting of all places. By the time I am done with him I’ve wiped the floor with him and his innuendoes and disparaging remarks regarding my work. Even Lydia is surprised at the anger I show at that meeting. My work speaks for itself and I know I’ve done a good job. We are ahead of schedule on several of the projects in fact it has allowed others to begin things that weren’t anticipated due to the fine work I have done. The board despite being taken aback at my anger and vehemence are pleased with the performance.

Werx has never had a PR department and this new chapter and prosperity they welcome in. Lars left that meeting with his tail between his legs and with a look I knew meant he would try retribution. “Ana, you need to calm down” Lydia tries after everyone has left the meeting. I can see that she is still alarmed; I never lose my temper, this time though I had had enough. Looking deep into those amazing amber eyes I cannot help but feel a surge of love. Sighing deeply I sit down and Lydia begins to massage my shoulders. As she leans against me I feel the contraction that hits her stomach. Her gasp has me turning the chair rapidly around. “Are you okay?” I ask in alarm seeing the surprise on her face. Nodding she sits in the chair next to mine. “Is that the first contraction?” I ask. Shaking her head she asks “That is a contraction?” I mentally roll my eyes. We have gone through the entire Lamaze classes. What could she be thinking? “Has your back been hurting?” Nodding she answers “all day” “Have you been having these pains all day?” I ask gently.

“No, just for a little while. I thought it was from breakfast and my anxiety over this board meeting.” I wanted to time the contractions but didn’t want to alarm my naive wife. “Why don’t we call Dr. Hauser and see if she wants you to come in?” I ask. Shaking her head Lydia assures me she will be fine, this is too soon. She has two more weeks before her due date. With that she gets up and walks away to her office. I am annoyed. During the afternoon I check on her half a dozen times, much to her own annoyance. Apparently the contractions have stopped or that is what she tells me. At dinner that night we stopped with Elisabeth at ‘The Studio’ and have a nice time together. I am on edge though as I carefully observe my wife and see no signs of contractions. Either she really has stopped having them or she is a really good actress. I think Elisabeth senses my unease though. She watches both of us thoughtfully. As Lydia heads for the restroom she leans over and asks “are you still upset about the board meeting today?” Surprised as we had discussed it all quite thoroughly over dinner I shake my head and an-

swer “no, I think Lydia is in labor but refuses to admit it.” Taken aback Elisabeth asks “what makes you think she is in labor?” We had both watched her eat a decent meal, nothing would indicate she is having contractions now but after that meeting earlier this afternoon I distinctly felt that contraction. I told Elisabeth about it and the back pains that Lydia had been having. She watched Lydia thoughtfully through the rest of our meal. As we were leaving Elisabeth and I were held up by a gentleman we had been working on a project with. Knowing his time was limited we had to take advantage of the opportunity to talk with him when we could. Lydia, since she had her own car went on ahead in my BMW. She admitted that fitting into her Porsche made for too tight a squeeze. Giving me her keys she gave me a kiss goodbye as she took my set. I thought I saw her pause before she left the restaurant but I couldn’t be sure, I think I may be too overprotective about that woman. It was another half an hour before Elisabeth and I got away. Elisabeth was going to pick up a few things at the store before it closed. I headed west towards home in Lydia’s Porsche. I

didn’t drive it too often but I liked it. Not as much as the BMW that Lydia had insisted I drive but then I liked the BMW’s roominess compared to the Porsche’s. I felt poured into the Porsche. It handled very well of course like all sports cars but I had already talked with Lydia about us buying an SUV when the baby came. There was one section of the road that really allowed you to open up and drive as you headed to the Schloss. I took advantage with the Porsche and nearly hit my own BMW as I came around one of the curves. I braked sharp and skidded to a stop. Alarmed I got out and ran to the car. In the glare of the lights from the Porsche I found Lydia sitting at the wheel gasping for breath. “What’s wrong?! Are you in labor?” Nodding, unable to speak she tried but could only cry out in pain. I couldn’t stand seeing her in such pain and tried to move her but she screeched “there’s no time! The baby is coming NOW!” Looking around this was no place to have a baby. This stretch was covered in woods and open meadows. There wasn’t even a tower to use our mobile phones, I know, I had tried on several occasions and lost the signal, I wasn’t even going to try at this point. I knew we were in a bad

way and I didn’t want to deliver the baby myself! Shyte, shyte, shyte! Trying to stay calm I opened the trunk and pulled out a car blanket I kept there. I laid it across the back seat and gently pulled Lydia out of the front seat despite her objections. Her gasping, her sobs of pain, and her predicament had me wanting to panic. As she stood up her water broke all over her Prada shoes, that’s going to annoy her I think as we both look down in alarm. Gently I got her on the back seat and admonished her “don’t make a mess on my leather seats” I grinned at my teasing, hoping to inspire confidence in my panicking wife. Why didn’t I go to the hospital this afternoon as Ana wanted me to! My back pain is excruciating. These occasional pains in my stomach though are dissipating. It must be one of those false labors they told us about. Geez there is Ana again checking on me! She is such a mother hen. Damn, I am hungry. I am looking forward to dinner out tonight with Ana and Elisabeth. Must I go to the restroom again? This baby is jumping on my kidneys. Ah, there is that man that wants to talk to Ana again; I think he is deliberately going slowly on his part of her project just so he can talk to her again. “I will see you two later at

the Schloss” I say as I go. Damn, that heartburn again! I enjoy driving the BMW. It is so much larger than my sporty little Porsche. Ana won’t let me even put it in her name. She says she will buy her own car but since I own an extra she will ‘borrow’ this one indefinitely. I know she does that to tease me. She can be such a pain at times. It does have a lot of power though. Jeez the pain is getting worse. Holy shit! That was worse than any of them. Maybe I should turn around and drive to the hospital. Oh my god! I have to pull over. My breath is coming in gasps. I guess I should have listened to Ana. Pulling over I cannot believe the pain. I try my cell but can get no signal. Looking up I realize that I am in that stretch where there are no towers. Higher hills block the signal and there are no houses around for miles. Oh my gawd that hurts! I am beginning to get scared and panic, I am very alone. For the first time in a long time I begin to pray. The time goes by indefinitely, I am in agony, the pain, the sweat, the tears, my God, I’m going to die here, my poor baby! Are those lights behind me? Oh thank God! It’s Ana! Oh thank you, oh thank GOD!

“Let’s get you comfortable. If I can I’m going to get you to the hospital.” “I think I feel the head!” Lydia tells me. Pulling her soaked pants down and off her I take a look in the lights of the Porsche and the dash lights of the BMW. She is right; I do see the head crowning I think they call it. Oh no! I don’t want to deliver this baby; I am so ill equipped to do so. Damn, damn, damn! The screams increase as Lydia battles the labor pains. As they are coming almost constantly I say “Lydia” she can’t hear me “Lydia!” I practically scream back to get her attention “you have to breathe, you have to calm down and concentrate” I tell her firmly. The screaming is only going to make her hysterical and upset me! Startled Lydia begins to concentrate listening to Ana. The training they went through with Lamaze begins to come back to her as she pushes down. The pain is frightful. She is sweating profusely as Ana reaches down to turn the baby. She can hear it begin to cry but she can still feel the pains. Only its head is out. “That’s it Lydia. Push baby push!” I encourage her. Damn, this is gross, yucky; I will never get this stuff off my hands. Remembering everything I read on the subject I try not to panic

and turn the baby to help push out its shoulders. I am amazed at Lydia now that she is concentrating. I can tell the pain must be incredible. I didn’t like it when I went through it twenty some years ago I can only imagine now what I must have looked and acted like at the time. As the baby slips out into my hands and off the seat I am surprised at this slimy little thing and that I don’t drop it it’s so slippery. Gently I put it up on Lydia’s stomach for her to hold. I have to help her expel the placenta. She isn’t thrilled at that part as it gives her more pain. I leave her holding the baby as I reach into the glove compartment, yuck this stuff is getting everywhere on everything! I have a Swiss army knife that I carry there as well as some hand sanitizer and wipes. I clean up the baby as well as I can using up the wipes to clean my hands and Lydia. I am surprised when Elisabeth is at my shoulder. “Oh my god, you’ve delivered the baby?” I ask her if she has an extra towel, a blanket, anything in her car for the baby to be wrapped in. She returns with a car blanket and I swaddle the baby. The blanket is huge on him but at least he is covered. Elisabeth supplies two hair

clips so at least I can clamp off the cords. I throw the placenta in the ditch on the side of the road, gross I know but what am I supposed to do with it? I pack my jacket between Lydia’s legs to catch the bleeding and cover her. Throwing the Porsche keys to Elisabeth I ask her to lock it up as I was driving Lydia and the baby to the hospital. What a mess in the back seat! Lydia though is enchanted by the baby and too exhausted to do anything but lay there looking down on her miracle; I don’t think she is really aware of what is going on around her at the moment. I turn the BMW around and glance at Elisabeth as I drive past. I drive like a mad woman on the straightaways and try to remember where all the curves are to not throw Lydia and the baby around. “Do you think he is okay?” she asks anxiously after a while. I smile and you can hear it in my voice when I answer “he will be fine, he’s a Von Horn!” I hear her chuckle at that. As I pulled up to the emergency area of the hospital I honked the horn repeatedly until I saw people running out. Yelling I asked for a gurney until I realized I was speaking English and switched to German.

The orderlies had to lift Lydia out of the back seat on a board. They couldn’t just pull her out as she wouldn’t release the baby from her arms. It wasn’t like there was a back door to open as I pushed the front seats as far forward as they would go. Lowering the top helped them get her up and over. What a mess in my back seat! Gross! Those Prada shoes would never be the same. I ran inside in my blouse and pants, my jacket had been discarded once they got her inside. At first they wouldn’t let me see Lydia but I explained I was the Baroness’ Frau. Having Lydia confirm this helped but it annoyed me with all their liberal thinking that they would deny a woman the right to see her wife? I’m just relieved that the baby and Lydia were both okay. They cleaned them up some more much better than I had or could have done. They offered me my jacket back but I declined and then thought maybe it could be cleaned. It was stuffed in a bag. I asked for another bag to stuff the blanket and Lydia’s pants in once I got back to the car. Sitting in the room with Lydia though I couldn’t help but swell up in pride at the look on her face as she sat there studying her now properly swaddled son. You would think she was the first woman to ever give birth. Her memories

of the horrible labor were already fading. I wish mine would. Gross. Elisabeth joined us and cooed over the heir. He had really dark hair like my cousin Rich as well as Lydia’s mother Armanda and her brother. His squashed face though already bore a distinct resemblance to his beautiful mother and in days to come would prove he was her son in looks alone. Already Elisabeth and I had phoned the family. I was pleased to see Armanda come to see her other new grandson. Lydia reluctantly let him be held by his grandmother. I wanted to call my Tante and Onkel but wisely kept that to myself. It really wasn’t fair that they now had a grandchild they might never know about. I wasn’t surprised not to see Lars but we all were when surprised when a shy Brigitte showed up with a little present for her nephew. She too had seen Lydia playing with her own son and wished that things could be different between the siblings. She wouldn’t let Lars control who she reached out to though. He had been adamant in his refusal to see his sisters ‘bastard’ as he put it. She wanted to see the baby that she knew meant so much to Lydia. She had changed a lot over the months since her own child had been

born. I thought Lydia should at least give her a chance. I got my car detailed the next day. There are some things a simple car wash can’t and won’t take out of the upholstery. The Prada shoes didn’t fare well and I threw them out after trying to wash them. The blankets, the jacket, and the pants came out well after all was said and done. Elisabeth and I recovered the Porsche and it was parked in the garage at home waiting for the day that Lydia wanted to drive it again. My BMW was fitted with a baby car seat, one that we could carry around with us. I made a mental note that we were going to have to buy a larger car though for our little family. The day that Lydia came home with the baby was a proud one for everyone. As I drove her and the baby I couldn’t help but think this was not where I planned to be a few years ago but now I was so happy I could bust. I had never seen this side of Lydia except for the few glances of her and her nephew, her mothering instincts had kicked in and I was thrilled to see it. I had been right, the names she had chosen had been thrown aside and we chose the name Karl for our son. Our son that was weird to say, I still have a little problem with it but I don’t think I could love him

any less than my own son’s. I had of course called both of mine to announce that Lydia had been delivered of a son. The announcements had gone out within two days of his birth. Already friends and family were sending the Von Horn heir incredible gifts acknowledging his birth. I could do without the late night feedings. I had insisted that Lydia feed our son for at least the first six weeks of his life to get the nutrients that are so important to his well-being. She resisted insisting that formula would work just as well and besides it hurt! I bought her a breast pump and we had a good fight about it but Karl decided it for her with his cries, she couldn’t deny him. Although she couldn’t feed directly from her own nipples, the little bottle filled with her milk gave her time with him she hadn’t anticipated. She felt like a cow I knew as she pumped the life sustaining milk into the bottles to feed our son. He didn’t mind that it wasn’t from her nipple, I minded that he get what he needed. “I never thought you could be so pushy!” she complained at the beginning. It had been a bone of contention throughout her pregnancy but she knew I did it out of love for both her and the baby. It didn’t prevent us from having some good fights over things.

By the time six weeks were up Lydia had a system. She pumped in the morning and the evening to fill the bottles we kept in the little fridge by the bar. We took turns feeding him at night so we both could get a good night’s sleep, not that that worked out perfectly but we tried. I am too old for this I repeatedly thought as I stumbled through my turns. Lydia was anxious to get her figure back and return to work. The six weeks chafed at her I could see. I brought home work for her, given to me by her overworked secretaries. Lars was trying to take advantage of her absence. He was in a frenzy since the birth of Karl and I suspected I knew why. Lydia had explained the terms of her father’s and great grandfather’s wills. The inheritance didn’t necessary go to the oldest ‘male’ heir. As Lydia had married and produced an heir this negated Lars from ever inheriting the ‘throne’ as it were. Although he could be called Baron for the rest of his life the title would not go to his son but Lydia’s. The money too would go to this heir. Lars was bitter in a big way and all he could do was make trouble at work. There was plenty he was trying but Lydia had a phone, a fax machine, a computer all at her fingertips as she recovered. She also had two efficient secret-

aries, as well as Elisabeth, and me to help where we could. I would have liked to keep her home longer than the six weeks but I could see even that was going to be difficult. She still managed to pump before work and afterwards even having a go during the day. As Karl thrived on her mother’s milk she couldn’t see weaning him from it too soon. She seemed to thrive once she got back to work too. Her days started early and she stayed long but she knew that Karl was well taken care of between herself, me, and Elisabeth. Strangely Armanda was allowed a lot of time with her grandbaby. Lydia had watched suspiciously but finally determined that her mother wasn’t going to harm the baby. I was thrilled that some sort of bond was growing between the three of them without them even realizing it. I sensed Armanda had never known how to heal the rift between herself and her daughter. I had the easiest schedule so it was up to me to work around Karl and his needs. I hired a good manager to take over many of my duties at the Shloss and he and I worked out his own duties. I of course supervised. I had my work at Werx and although Lydia would let me leave anytime I enjoyed my work and refused to let my

projects fall by the wayside. Many was the time that Karl and the diaper bag were beside my desk. If I had a meeting he was with his ‘other’ Mutti Lydia or with his Tante Elisabeth. She loved the title and accepted it graciously. Because of my bringing Karl to work a few of the other parents at Werx asked me to organize child care there and presenting it to the board I was surprised that Lars didn’t object but then he used it as well for little Hanns once it was established. It made for a happier and more productive work force. People could work knowing their children were nearby and well taken care of as well as visit them during the work day. Everyone won on this issue. Karl wasn’t even three months old when Lydia began talking about getting pregnant again. I balked at the idea of course thinking it too soon and too much for her. She pointed out she wanted Karl to have a sibling close to him in age. Consulting Dr. Hauser, she had her go for more tests to determine her absolute health and the viability. Dr. Hauser really wanted her to wait for a year as I did but her tests confirmed she was healthy and could probably handle it. It was probably why Liesel was born only one year after Karl. Gretel followed two years after that. I put my foot down though after all of that. Too much too soon and

Lydia was wearing out her body. Three babies in four years was too much for anyone and she was now 41! Lydia seemed content with our little brood though. She had a lot on her own plate otherwise. Lars had convinced several of the board members that his sister was incompetent. She had a real battle on her hands to convince them otherwise. She suspected her brother was bribing them as well. It really made for a tense situation at Werx as well as living at the Schloss. I tried to stay out of it, it really wasn’t my fight, and I rarely went into Werx anymore with the brood we were raising. They required a full time mother and between Lydia and I we had that covered. There were times though where we needed ‘us’ time and Elisabeth pitched in as well as Armanda. The three children with Lydia and the one by Brigette made for an active household. Strangely Brigette and I had become friends over the years. Lydia had not been happy about it but when I pointed out that she could not choose my friends, tell me what to say, or tell me what to do we had it out. I was right she finally admitted and the money grabbing woman who had married her brother Lars was a lot different than the mother that Brigette had become.

When the ‘accidents’ started though I became alarmed, it wasn’t just things that were happening to Lydia, from the brakes going out on her familiar Porsche to little incidents at the home or office. When the children began getting ill and having accidents too I got a bit upset. Lydia realized I wasn’t being paranoid when I documented them all as I remembered them. The list was quite extensive and we both suspected Lars. “If he can’t have his position and pass it on to his son he must think that the only way to do what he wants is to kill you and your heirs” I pointed out. I was angry. How could a man do this to his own blood, his own nephew and nieces? They were innocent. Their repeated illnesses were even causing concern with their doctor. I had overheard one of the nurses suggesting they call the German equivalent of social services on the Von Horn children. I wasn’t going to allow that if I could help it. If their social services were anything like the ones in the States they could take our children away or if not that they could make our lives miserable. Once in the ‘system’ they could make assumptions about us and our living arrangements. I could imagine the headlines if any breath of this type of scandal hit the presses, Lydia’s reputation would be ruined, and I

could imagine the entire fallout on the family and Werx. I could see how wearing this was on Lydia. Her own health was suffering from worry and her own illnesses and accidents. Just last week some car had tried to drive her off the road. If it wasn’t for the fact that she knew every curve on the road from town and her Porsche had a souped up engine she would have been smashed against a tree. As it was when the police investigated the tire marks they could find no trace of her ‘anonymous’ pursuer. “You have to take the children and go away” Lydia told me. I was aghast. I wanted to stay and help her but after careful consideration I knew she was right. She couldn’t fight Lars if she was worrying about our children. Strangely he hadn’t come after me. She knew they would be safe with me. We didn’t even know what staff we could trust anymore so all our planning was done in bed late at night after we had put the children to bed ourselves. I had never allowed the children to sleep in the nursery especially after the ‘accidents’ had started. We had instead moved to another suite that had three bedrooms and decorated one for Karl and the other for our two little girls.

It was decided that we would take a bag each for the children and sneak them one day at a time into my BMW. Although we had purchased an SUV it would be too obvious if I took that. I would drive the BMW to the jet which would take us to Wisconsin. From there I could disappear. My family wouldn’t tell Lars or his minions where I went and even Lydia wouldn’t know. Since we could be traced through computers or phones these would only be used when I was far from our hiding place. I didn’t like the plan; there was no way to tell how long I would be gone with the children. Gretel was only a month old! She needed her mother! All my arguments fell flat though, Lydia was right, we needed to go, to hide, to relieve her worry that her children would be hurt. She needed to fight for their inheritance. Lars needed to be behind bars. I couldn’t rationally help her when the children were at stake. What if he won? How could I live with the knowledge that I could have saved them or Lydia? It was with great reluctance that I said goodbye to Lydia that last night. She knew I would be boarding the jet in the morning. Armanda, Elisabeth, Lars, Brigitte, and the staff wouldn’t know I was gone until that night when the children and I didn’t show up for dinner. It

wasn’t a fool proof plan and it was very simple but it was the best we could think of without involving too many people or professionals. The thought of someone else directing where we went or what we did frightened me further, I don’t know if I was paranoid or what but I couldn’t get the feeling that anyone could be in the pay of Lars and harm us. At least if I did things my way, I was in control somewhat. I hadn’t made love to Lydia since her eighth month of pregnancy with Gretel. It hadn’t been but four weeks since the birth and Lydia had gone back to work early to fight Lars. Her body though wasn’t ready for sex and it was hard for both of us as we said goodbye that night. We held each other close, whispering words of love and affection, not knowing when we would be together again. I would take the children in the BMW in the morning as though I were going to city, something I did occasionally. Our bags were packed and the trunk of the car was filled with our things that we had been sneaking out of the Schloss for days. I wasn’t happy with the arrangement but I was willing to keep them safe. I couldn’t save Lydia though and I often thought she should just let Lars have it all and walk away. I could see why she didn’t of course in my more

rational moments but I still wasn’t happy! As I looked around at the Schloss and the history imbued in its walls, all of this belonged to these children and this woman, they needed to be saved to live on and enjoy what their ancestors had saved for them. As the plane took off with me and the children I gazed unhappily as it flew over the Schloss. I didn’t know how long it would be until we were home again. Each of the children had been given minute amounts of meds to sleep, even the infant Gretel. The pain in their ears would go away as they yawned and fell asleep. I had a lot of bottles of breast milk stashed in the fridge of the plane. Lydia would have to stop cold turkey and Gretel certainly wouldn’t have the full benefits the other two had had. We had covered everything about this ‘escape’ and there were some sacrifices we had to make for the benefit of all. As I watched them fall asleep one by one I looked at them and marveled. Here I was 48 years old with 3 children under the age of 3! Amazing. What was I doing? This was crazy. The flight wasn’t too bad even after the children woke up. I don’t think they realized they were flying a mile in the air anyway. I kept Karl

and Liesel amused with the toys I had packed. Gretel slept most of the time anyway and after a feeding and a change of diaper slept on in her carrier. Customs wasn’t too bad at the airport with the three children. The staff was good about packing the car I rented at the airport. Each of the children was tucked in their car seats in the backseat of the sedan. The jet was refueling and returning to Germany the next day after the pilot and staff slept. We couldn’t let them know where I was going. As far as they were concerned they flew me to Milwaukee for an indefinite visit with my family. I did indeed see my family. I visited first with Josh and Jessica who watched my three while I went and bought an Excursion. A gas guzzler I know but I figured we would need it. I had Josh sign for it in his name and wrote him a check. I also had him fully insure it for me. I had explained to my brother and sister-in-law what had been going on with Lars. I still had a lot of money here in the States and credit cards but I couldn’t use the cards as that would leave a trace. I didn’t want Lars to be able to track me beyond Milwaukee. I took the time to explain to one and then another of my bankers that I wanted certain precautions taken on all my accounts. Although I

knew I was sending up red flags I wanted them to realize that someone was after my personal information and I didn’t want to have to change banks. Due to me being such a ‘good’ customer all these years they of course fell over themselves to accommodate me. I sent a goodly sum off to myself in care of general delivery at various points across the country so I would have money as I traveled. I didn’t know how good Lars and his team might be but I wanted to be totally out of mind and out of sight and cash doesn’t leave the same trail as credit card slips. Since I had never given up my citizenship when I married Lydia it had been easy to obtain dual citizenship for our children. We were legally married in Germany and while many states in the United States didn’t recognize same sex marriages they would recognize the legalities of a foreign nation. I knew I was at least protecting the children. They were legally mine as much as Lydia’s. My name was on each of their birth certificates and I had ‘permission’ in the form of a legal document from Lydia to travel with them internationally. I visited with my sons who both were not married yet. Calvin was engaged though and they hoped to marry by summer’s end. Alex too was

engaged but in no hurry to marry Loara, they had lived together all through college and lived together now at my house. I carefully explained what had been going on with Lars and instructed them all to watch their credit carefully as this was one of the ways he would keep track if he could. I wasn’t sure if he would attack my children or family so I wanted them aware of any irregularities that might arise. Jennifer and Seth were alarmed when I explained what had been going on. They seemed relieved when I told them I was only back for a short visit and would be leaving soon. They didn’t want to worry about their safety in whatever form Lars might perceive as help. I didn’t blame them but their attitude was disappointing. Fortunately the rest of my family didn’t feel the same as they rose to the occasion to help me and the three innocent babies I had with my wife. My babies though seemed to thrive on meeting these American relatives. Karl was impressed that he had two much older brothers but didn’t seem to understand the sister-in-law thing. We settled that they were older sisters. My boys enjoyed playing with their younger siblings, they understood that the children were actually distant

cousins because of the gift my cousin had given us, and they treated their little siblings as siblings should. As I had been legally married to the baby’s mother I didn’t need to adopt my own children. In Germany they were recognized as my children as much as Lydia’s. I kind of liked that system; it would have tainted the whole family thing if I had to adopt my own children as I probably would have here in the states. I wondered how much Karl and Liesel would remember their older brothers and sisters though. It was with great reluctance I moved on though; I didn’t want Lars to get too much of a fix on us. I was suspicious of anyone not related to me at this point and strangers were met with a look and a stare to see if they watched us a little too long. It wasn’t easy to drive with such young children by myself across the country. I couldn’t figure out where to go. The envelopes I mailed to myself full of cash were a blessing. It was way too tempting to pull out the credit cards I had. I reluctantly locked them in a lock box I purchased. I kept that under the front seat of the SUV along with all our important papers including the copies of the children’s birth certificates. I hadn’t needed them yet but who knew. I had sent an email to Lydia from Calvin’s computer. I figured since Lars

might think we were just visiting and might be tapping into Lydia’s computer by then it would look even odder if I didn’t let her know we had arrived and that the children were okay. I didn’t want Lars to set the dogs on us too soon. I didn’t know if they were already onto us. I have to say though I felt paranoid as I drove by myself with three small children. Every car behind us for too long was suspect. I had to stop frequently at rest stops for the children to use the bathroom, grab a snack, run around and play, change Gretel and feed her, and to rest. Every person coming into those rest stops was suspect. Anyone watching the children too long or talking with us too long made me worry. Although I was friendly to all I was still suspicious and not very forthcoming to anyone. I only went to restaurants once a day and made sandwiches to eat in a ‘picnic’ at the rest stops. The paranoid feeling was strangling me. I have to let them go. Can’t Ana see that he won’t stop at murdering us all to get his inheritance? The police have only suspicions not concrete proof. Ana needs to take the children and go! Convincing her was the hardest thing I had ever done. I love her too much to let anything happen to her. Lars hasn’t done anything

to her that I can see but he knows he can hurt me through her. It’s bad enough the little incidents, the ‘accidents’ but to poison my children? This has gone too far. Analysis of things we have eaten, that the children have eaten will take months, proving that Lars had anything to do with it will be impossible. I have laid my traps. I have to wait patiently for them to spring. His suspicions will be aroused when Ana leaves with no warning with the children. God, my children! Gretel is far too young to leave me. The other two might forget me! No they won’t. Ana won’t allow them to. As I gaze at the wonderful photos Ana had taken of the children shortly after Gretel’s birth I wonder when I will see these four people I love so much. I gaze at the other photo on my desk, taken four months after our wedding. Ana had arranged to wear her wedding gown on the back of my favorite horse, Brutus. She rode it side saddle in the summer air and looked incredible in it. It had been a wonderful gift and surprise but then that was what she loved to do for me, surprise me. The over five years we had been together had been full of delightful little surprises and I loved her for it. As I gazed at her picture with her direct look into the camera those eyes

seem to penetrate my soul. They gave me hope when I was at my lowest. That I loved her I knew no doubt. That she would protect our children I also knew no doubt. Lars couldn’t harm them, she wouldn’t let him. This would provide me with strength knowing he couldn’t and wouldn’t find them. I needed all my strength to fight him. My last envelope was in General Delivery in Santa Barbara California. I still had most of the money from what I had taken from my accounts in Wisconsin. All the envelopes were untouched and full and would last a very long time, I don’t recommend sending cash through the mail, I was paranoid that someone would find the lot of it, but I knew having it would provide us with a cushion that would enable us to disappear for an indefinite period. As I watched Karl and Liesel play on the beach I wondered where I should head now. This was as far west as I could go unless I went on to Hawaii. I didn’t like the idea of being trapped on an island. My name wasn’t on my vehicle. My name had been only used sporadically at hotels across the country but unless they asked for identification I used a fake one and as I was paying cash not too many had cared. The few who had cared and taken offense at my lying about my name I explained I was escaping an

abusive relationship. That part wasn’t a lie; Lars had never been anything but abusive to me since I met him. They must have figured I was taking my kids and running and it got me off from too many personal questions. I headed north from Santa Barbara on the 101 freeway. When the 1 freeway went west from a town called San Luis Obispo I followed it. It went winding through incredible hills and on one side were some mountains as we headed for the ocean again. I followed the 1 freeway through a town called Morro Bay and another one called Cayucos. It was when we hit a town called Cambria I felt we were home. Pulling into a little inn I was pleased that they had a cabin for us. The owner, a Madge Pilleto was thrilled to accommodate me and my children. She took delight in Gretel who was two months old now and looking about her more often. Her formula had become her mainstay as we had used up Lydia’s milk long ago. I wanted to get her a wellness check and soon. Madge Pilleto helped me find a house. At first I had wanted to rent but instead took out a lease option which would allow me to buy after six months. This was good as it would give me a chance to get established. I opened a bank ac-

count in the local bank with the first envelope of cash I had collected. I was so grateful they didn’t have ATM’s or were they hooked up to a computer system with any other banks. I needed to use my own name as I wasn’t going to start on false ones but as a precaution I had them register it under my middle name. I didn’t use my middle name often but ‘Nadia’ Muenier was a far cry from the wife of Baroness Lydia Von Horn or Analisa Muenier as Lars would look for. The bank employees called me Nadia and I had no problem with that. Since it was such a small town anyone who knew me was soon calling me Nadia. The house we settled in was nestled among the trees. It was a brisk hike to the ocean over one of the hills but we could hear it occasionally and feel it in the air. The house reminded me of a chalet that Lydia had taken us to once in the mountains. I don’t know if it snowed here in Cambria but I felt like it would any day the air was so brisk. There were bedrooms for each of the children and one for me. The three children would eventually be all upstairs and I only kept Gretel downstairs in the master bedroom until she slept through the night. The crib I purchased for her kept her caged. I enjoyed furnishing our ‘chalet’ immensely. I kept up regular deposits in

the bank and no one was suspicious. I varied the amounts from week to week and the amounts in my accounts grew. I paid cash for everything that we purchased. The bank had offered credit cards in my name but I didn’t want to use my social security number for anything that could be traced. Even if we bought this house eventually I didn’t know how I was going to manage that. I hoped we wouldn’t be here that long but I was sick of running, traveling, and hiding. I drove down to San Luis Obispo and some of the other cities to buy the furnishings for our house and to get Gretel a wellness check. To protect the children I used their real names but added my own to theirs so they became Von Horn Muenier. It helped I hoped and it had a certain flavor the way it flowed. I still wasn’t certain that Lars didn’t know where we were. Once when we were down as far as Santa Maria I herded my brood into the library and as Karl and Liesel participated in story time I sent an email to Lydia to let her know we were okay. The ones I had waiting I quickly read and deleted not knowing if he could really trace them or not. Lydia was worried I could tell and we hadn’t been in contact for months, I didn’t know how to keep her apprised any other way. I did not want to email anymore

as I wasn’t sure it was safe. My email to her told her that and I wouldn’t be using it anymore. As the months went by my unease continued. I enrolled Karl in Pre-Kindergarten. It amused me that something started in Germany was a mainstay of American culture. I wondered how many people even realized how German the word Kindergarten was? Karl loved going to school and making friends his own age. Liesel couldn’t wait until it was her turn. I enrolled her in a program for 3 year olds and she pretended she was going to school too. My days were full with the children and I was busy but I was also anxious. I didn’t know if I could trust anyone and I didn’t make any real friends. I made a lot of acquaintances but I didn’t make friends. I couldn’t let anyone get too close. The school referred to me as Mrs. Meunier and I didn’t correct that. Nadia Muenier and her Von Horn Muenier children were a common sight in Cambria. The children were well behaved and that little Gretel was an absolute angel. Gretel looked cherubic. Her rolly polly apple cheeks were a delight. I took a ton of pictures. I couldn’t share them with Lydia but who knew, maybe someday. I regretted that she was missing some of the most important time in

Gretel’s life. I had cautioned the other two about mentioning their other mother but hadn’t directly said that they couldn’t talk about her. We talked at home in German all the time about Lydia or Mutti as they called her. I had been Mutti and still was at home but in public Karl and Liesel began to call me Mom like all the other kids. No one asked about the Von Horn Muenier children’s father but I knew a few mothers were curious and a couple had overheard the children talk about their ‘other’ Mutti. I just hoped not many people understood German. It saddened me as the months went by though how accepting the children were that Lydia wasn’t in their lives. The amazing resilience of children astonished me but then they didn’t think like adults did with all the self-imposed guilt. They were a lot more accepting of circumstances. Gretel of course didn’t remember her but I kept the memory alive by talking about things the other two had done with her. I missed her horribly. It’s late at night when I think about Lydia the most. With the time difference I think it’s about 11 hours difference I often imagine what she is doing at that moment. It’s not being able to talk to her that is killing me, to hold her, to feel her next to me, to read her face and ascertain her

thoughts. I’m dying inside. I cannot imagine how much longer this can go on but the months have been too long already. I ache for her, to touch her, to feel her caresses, to see her smile. I want her badly, many of my fantasies are about her and I think of taking care of it myself as I become aroused but instead I just suppress the feelings, even the emotions begin to become suppressed as time goes by. Late that spring I developed a cold that was hard to shake. The kids got it too; in fact I think they brought it home from school. I however couldn’t seem to shake the cough and it bothered me. The doctor prescribed bed rest and a cough suppressant. No surprise there, everyone seemed to be getting this spring flux. When Gretel had a minor version of it I became alarmed. She passed it well though. Karl and Liesel both ended up in bed for a day. It’s hard to see Gretel attempting to walk and not be able to share it with Lydia. I try to call her once a month but I have to travel so far to try and hide any trace that Lars might be trying. I don’t know if I am being too paranoid but I worry so. It’s the not knowing that gets me and Lydia won’t tell me what she is doing. Our conversations center on the kids. I keep them brief and it

seems to all be one sided. I don’t even tell her I miss her anymore but I do, horribly. For Christmas this last year I sent my sons cash and letters that I have them forward to Elisabeth to personally hand to Lydia. I had Karl and Liesel both send hand drawn pictures. Karl can even write the alphabet now and I send his crayon creations to her. My own letters are heartfelt. Again, one sided as I don’t know if she will even see them with my precautions. I need to reach out to her though, to let her know how much I love her. I am very careful not to mention where we are or describe anything about our present life without her. The emails have stopped. The calls are down to once a month and I never know when they will come. I am isolated as no one who wasn’t in my shoes can understand. Lars has won on so many levels that if he knew the extent he would be ecstatic. I won’t let him win though. He has screwed up and I intend to publicly and totally eradicate him from my life. The time he has stolen from me and my wife, from me and my children can never be made up. Elisabeth sympathizes with me but she cannot understand my anguish. I haven’t fully recovered from Gretel’s

birth and this emotional up and down is killing me, without my wife’s support and guidance it is harder to overcome. Ana if you can feel it through our minds you know how much I hate this separation. I love you, I miss you, I need you! What I don’t realize is that I am also suffering from post-partum depression. This along with what I feel towards Lars is a dangerous combination. The months are getting longer. All I can do is work until I can’t see anymore. How many nights have I fallen asleep on my couch at work rather than risk driving home? I keep a set of clothes to change into at the office. Lars isn’t happy at work anymore. He is constantly suspicious of my every move. With the children gone I am not distracted by his threat to them. I have allayed the fears of many of the board members and I am winning slowly but surely, but at what cost? I am very thin these days and terribly pale. Elisabeth’s suggestion that I take a vacation and get some sun is met with an angry stare that the silence can be cut with a knife. How can I take a vacation from this mess that my brother has created when my children and wife are who knows where?

I haven’t heard from Ana in so long. Is she okay? Our children, are they okay? I am tempted to call Calvin or Alex and although we have spoken occasionally they will not tell where their mother has gone if they even know. I am happy though that they will talk to me. They must think it odd what I have put their mother through much less our children. It’s Christmas morning, Werx is closed or I would be there as I am almost every other day. I am not expecting much as we only exchanged token gifts. When Elisabeth quietly and discretely hands me a packet I am surprised. She made sure we were alone when she gave it to me. What is this? She already gave me a gift this morning. Oh my GOD! It’s from Ana. Look at the beautiful drawings from my lieblings! Mein Gott! Look how they have grown! These pictures are incredible. Ana doesn’t look happy around the eyes, I can tell! Has she lost weight? The letter from Ana is the best gift though as she tells me about the children. Mein Leibe Lydia! I couldn’t think of a better way to send this all to you but in one packet

and two letters. I sent them to Calvin and Alex to send on to Elisabeth. I hope it reaches you okay and in time for Christmas. Oh my darling how I miss you and wish I could be there with you. This is the first Christmas apart since we met and hopefully the last. I cannot fathom that we have been apart six months already. See how the children have grown. The phone calls cannot tell you enough of what I have been feeling, what we are both missing. There isn’t enough time to tell you everything, even here I hesitate since I am not certain it will not fall into the wrong hands. Oh my wonderful wife how I miss you, love you, need so much to hold you, make love to you, see you. This has been the longest six months of my life. Know that our children seem healthy and happy. I hope this reaches you so you know that they are fine. I don’t want you to worry about anything

my love. I wish I could just talk to you and hear you tell me directly. Don’t write back. I am sure this won’t work twice. No my boys don’t know where I am and for everyone’s safety, I won’t tell them either. I have mailed this packet far from where we are staying. I hope no one can find me. Know that we are safe, we are happy (but missing you), and I cannot wait to see you again. I could and would say so much more but I don’t want to start crying nor do I want to give out too much information that could trace us. I never thought I’d feel this way about anyone. I miss you so. Love, Analisa I clutched the letter to me. I couldn’t remember Ana ever writing a full letter to me, emails yes, a note now and then of course, but never a letter. I hid it between our mattresses not knowing if my safe was secure from my brother. Was I being paranoid? Absolutely.

The packet gave me hope though. The next phone call all I could do was cry because I missed the call on my cell. I knew Ana would not call again for another month or so and I had missed the opportunity to tell her how much I loved her, how much I appreciated the Christmas gift she had sent me. That I had received it in time for Christmas, how much I loved seeing the pictures, reading her letter. I did however resolve to end this with Lars at the earliest opportunity, but then, that had always been my intention. That opportunity took nearly another year to present itself. Finally though Lars was dismissed from Werx by the board of directors. Too many shoddy dealings, too much possibility for ruining our reputation. The data I had been gathering for years was presented in full and in a concise and precise manner. I didn’t even have to say anything. The documents and evidence presented gave no leeway. Lars was lucky not to leave the buildings of Werx in handcuffs. I did have the police waiting at the Schloss though as he and Brigitte packed and left. I felt bad about Brigitte but then she had been married to the louse. I would miss Hanns though, a delightful boy despite his father.

It took weeks to clean up the mess Lars had left at Werx. Surprisingly Armanda could and did help where she could. She and Lars had often times been on the opposite side of the fence but she felt bad she had so poorly misjudged him. She tried to make amends. She too missed Hanns and hesitantly asked if I would be bringing my children home soon? When could I go to Ana? When could I see her and my children again? I had no idea where they were and I had to wait for her monthly call. It was overdue but then I was impatient. As I worked daily I jumped whenever my cell phone rang. I kept it fully charged and looked at frequently, wondering when that one call would come, worrying that the battery was dead, that the phone was inoperative. But it was the silence of that one anticipated call that was eating away at my soul. I knew Ana was tired of the whole hiding out secrecy. It had been too long, had I asked too much of her? I could tell by the few phone calls in the last six months how fed up she really was. She told about the children of course and let me speak to them but her lackluster replies to my own questions bothered me. We went that June back to Wisconsin for Calvin’s wedding. Both Karl and Liesel were in

the wedding as ring bearer and flower girl. The pictures were beautiful but I didn’t send them on to Lydia. Yes, I resented the length of time we had been apart. I wasn’t being spiteful, but I was tired of it all. The stress weighed heavily on my mind. This cough I seemed to have kept from our spring flux drove me nuts too. The doctor told me it was nothing and would go away in time but I wasn’t so sure. As we drove once again back across the country I took the children through a couple of national parks so they could say they were there. The three of them standing in front of the sign to Mt. Rushmore and then again in front of the one to Yellowstone were cute pictures that I cherished. Seeing wild goats and even a bear impressed the three of them. We really enjoyed ourselves and our little family even if I still felt it was incomplete. I was weary of the stress, the worry, and the loneliness. I was becoming resentful of it all. Karl started real kindergarten that fall, he was finally old enough. Pre-K had been fun and now Liesel got to enjoy that. I could tell Gretel wanted to go even if she couldn’t quite get the words right. It amazed me that the children were totally bi-lingual. At home we spoke German but

in public we always spoke English. People couldn’t help but notice as German occasionally won out even in public but I explained the importance of the children to know their heritage and knowing a second language was a good start. I had gotten close to no one really in town but we were well known. I knew several of the parents would have liked to know Nadia as I was known but I kept my distance. All my time revolved around the children and I was bored silly. I felt like my brain was stagnating and I felt the blahs horribly. Reading help me dream but it was the dreams of Lydia that bothered me. It was getting harder to imagine her being with me, sleeping next to me, having sex with me. Yes I could have taken care of those urges myself and had but those fell flat. I could no longer use my imagination that it was Lydia making me feel those orgasms. I no longer wanted to try. I felt like I was drying up. Must be menopause I thought sadly. People in town thought Nadia was a beautiful woman and a wonderful mother but they knew practically nothing about her. She kept to herself and devoted herself wholly to her children. They were such polite children. They were bi-lingual too! What an amazing thing to teach the young. Occasionally the older ones men-

tioned Mutti but with the language difference no one understood that they were referring to their other mother and not Nadia. The lease had come up twice for renewal and Ana knew the owner was becoming annoyed that she didn’t buy the place but she hesitated hoping that Lydia would tell her was time to come home. She didn’t want to buy the house they had come to love and made their own. Its brick exterior was weathered with age and the beautiful vines Ana had planted crept cheerfully and beautifully up the brickwork. Huge trees shaded the A framed house from the harshest sun. The yard was lovingly attended by Ana and her children. They had to make sure Gretel didn’t eat bugs though. As the time came around to call Lydia, Ana just didn’t have the strength to make the drive down to a public phone. She was depressed and didn’t feel well. They were few and far between anyway and she had frequently driven to Morro Bay, San Luis Obispo, or even Santa Maria in her quest to find one that couldn’t be traced. Sometimes Atascadero or one of the other coastal cities were used. She hoped they couldn’t be traced. She had even driven up to Salinas once to put ‘them’ whoever ‘them’ were off the track.

She figured though that by now, after all this time, Lars or his people knew about where she might be. I know it is time to call Lydia with an update on our family. I don’t want to make the drive though. It is nearly Thanksgiving and I just don’t feel like it! I should go to the stores down there though. There is more to offer at the grocery stores down in San Luis Obispo alone or across to Atascadero or one of the other cities, there wasn’t much in Cambria but a small village store. Damn, I guess Gretel and I will have to go once the other two are in school tomorrow. It’s been over a month since my last call and Lydia missed that one! What does it matter anyway? It’s the same every time. Well this time I won’t have Karl and Liesel to talk to Lydia. She might be disappointed but oh well, that’s what our life is about, disappointments. “Hello?” “Hi Lydia it’s me” I told her not bothering to even talk in German anymore. I really did have a bad case of the glums. “Ana! Oh my God I am so happy to hear from you. What happened? Did something happen? You are late in calling me!”

The resentment was starting. I was late? How dare she? I coughed a couple of times before I answered “it is a little long of a drive to have to use a public telephone to call you much less make sure I have enough quarters to put into the phone for an international phone call.” I tried to keep the resentment out of my voice but I am sure I failed miserably. “Darling, I have good news! You can come home!” The enthusiasm flowed out of Lydia’s voice and I could hear the excitement. I blinked. The news I had waited for nearly 18 months was here. I couldn’t believe it at first. “What happened?” I asked. “Oh, it would take too long to explain on the phone. I want to see you and the children. Oh baby, I can’t tell you how much I’ve missed all of you.” Something else had to be there, I hadn’t hidden for so long just to blow it now. “If this is really Lydia what is the code we agreed upon?” For about a count of five there was silence, long enough for me to be suspicious and ready to hang up the phone, and then “Liebe mein Frau, Ich liebe dich Analisa, Karl, Liesel, Gretel, Ich liebe alles.” A simple enough phrase but one someone who didn’t know wouldn’t get right. I

love you my wife, I love you Analisa, Karl, Liesel, Gretel, I love all of you. We had agreed upon it one late night together as we discussed my leaving. Slumping in relief I leaned against the wall.

“Baby, are you all right?” I could hear the concern in Lydia’s voice as I stared at the receiver and kept an eye on Gretel in the SUV. She was fine as she grabbed her feet and pulled. Cough, cough “Yes, Lydia I’m fine. When do you want to come or do you want us to come to you?” I was already making plans to accommodate her. “I want to come to you. I want to see where you have been living all this time.” Don’t you mean hiding? The resentment was still in my thoughts. “Okay, when?” “Now!” Lydia’s voice was so excited and I couldn’t let my glums take the enthusiasm away. That wouldn’t be fair. “The jet has been standing by for weeks, I can leave tonight.” Then she laughed “but I don’t know where?” Grinning I had to laugh too. I had been thorough. No one knew where we were. For some reason this relieved me. “You will have to have your pilots track a course to San Luis Obispo.” I grinned further, waiting for her to ask. “San Luis Obispo? I thought you were in the United States?” The concern in her voice was amusing. I laughed into the phone “I am in the United States, California to be exact” I told her.

I could hear the puzzlement in her voice at my revelation “Okaaay, so we fly into San Luis Obispo, California, then where?” she asked. I don’t know what perverse little gnome was sitting on my shoulder but I wasn’t going to reveal too much too soon. “We pick you up there then. Just let me know when.” “Okay, what is a phone number I can reach you at?” Giving her the cell phone I had which wasn’t very useful in the hills where we lived and had a very exact limit I wasn’t going to let her know how cheap it was or that she might not reach me. I guess in a way I was exacting revenge for any hurts I had, real or imagined. I know it was petty but I wasn’t feeling up to cheerful. After 18 months of this I was a little done. She doesn’t seem as enthused as I am, Lydia thought as the jet flew her across the globe. Perhaps it’s the surprise of it all. I can’t wait to see her, my Ana. She looked up from her paperwork she was working on and out the windows at the clouds. Oh, the children, I’ve missed so much. They won’t even recognize me. Damn Lars and his petty need to own it all. It wasn’t his

in the first place. He has cost me so much, he has cost us so much! I can’t ever make it up to them, but I am going to try. God knows, I can only try. That evening I told the children that they had to dress nicely after school because we were going to the airport to get a surprise. Children accept these things so much easier than adults. I didn’t want them telling everyone at school that their Mutti was coming in to get us as it would be a little hard to explain. After school I had the children change into nice ‘church’ clothes to meet Lydia. As I drove down to San Luis Obispo the children chattered excitedly. I explained on the way that their Mutti was coming to see us. I didn’t want to upset or worry them that we may soon be moving. I didn’t know what plans Lydia had. I had thought of nothing else for the past 24 plus hours. Lydia, Germany, Lydia, the children, Lydia, what would we do now, and Lydia. I had of course thought of her continually for the last year and a half, how could I help it with the constant reminders of her in the shape of her three children. Gretel especially reminded me of a smaller version with her curls. She was just

as beautiful as her biological mother. They were all attractive children. I know I am biased but they are good looking children. They had become Americanized very easily. I wondered what Lydia would make of them. What they would make of her. They knew who she was; we had spoken of her frequently over the time away. Each of the children had pictures next to their beds of their mother, of me, and in the case of both Karl and Liesel there were pictures that were recognizable with Lydia. With Gretel though there was an infant with a woman. Gretel had no memories but those I had told them, at 18 months though she didn’t understand anyway. As we parked at the San Luis Obispo airport I wondered what would happen next. It was exciting and scary at the same time. I knew I had loved Lydia before, probably still did, but I didn’t know what the future held. There was of course resentment at the enforced separation, none of which was Lydia’s fault, but I couldn’t help but wonder what had happened in Germany while we were away. We walked up to the gate as a jet I recognized taxied to its spot on the runway. I watched as they lowered the steps, officials went on the

plane to check passports, and Baroness Lydia Von Horn stepped out. The sight of her was breathtaking. The pictures and memories not as strong as they once were, seeing her was almost overwhelming. It made me want to cry. She looked thinner, more sophisticated, more aristocratic. All my self-doubts came to the forefront as I watched her talk with stewards and then head for the terminal. I made sure the children were lined up. I could see expectant expressions on the older two. Gretel just hung on my leg. As we land in this little town I cannot help but wonder how Ana found it. I certainly would never have guessed she was here. She had done a wonderful job of hiding. Lars and his minions never found her. In fact if it had gone on much longer, the wait to hear from her, I wonder if anyone I hired would have found her. I knew her boys wouldn’t tell anyone, but then they didn’t know where she was either. I wonder if something tragic had occurred would they have told me? Of course they would have, but how would they have known? I had called periodically to chat with them, both sides being careful to reveal nothing that they really knew. Calvin’s wedding was well past before I found out about it and

the fact that he saw his siblings. In veiled wording he told me that they all looked wonderful. I wonder how much they will have changed. As they direct me up the ramp to the doors I wonder if they are waiting for me, or would Ana be late? Will the children recognize me? Will they accept me? Will they remember anything about me? I have missed so much! As I walk inside I see them waiting, watching, wondering things too. Ana! She looks too thin! This must have been trying on her. The children, they have grown so much! I don’t even recognize Gretel from the baby I gave to Ana to take away, look at those curls! Karl stands so straight and proud, what a good looking young boy. And Liesel, my little girl, she shyly looks at me. I smile at them all but it’s Ana’s arms I head for first. Squeezing her I realize how thin she really is. She smells so good though, her perfume as intoxicating as ever, she feels better against me, I’ve missed her terribly. I kiss her on the cheek but not on the lips. Standing back I look again at my shy children. The children knew who this was from my conversations with them and the pictures that I had of Lydia around the house. It wasn’t as

though they had never seen her but it was a whole lot different actually meeting her. I immediately saw and felt their shyness. They drew slightly away from the sophisticated woman who came towards us so confidently. She looks awesome, a feast for sore eyes. She feels so good, I wish we were alone so I could calm my fears and know that she wants me still. I hide my need as I have suppressed it for so long, I actually feel a little shy myself for some strange reason. Leaning down I pick up Gretel in my arms and say to them all “Karl, Liesel, Gretel das ist deine Mutti” this is your mother, how odd to introduce them to someone they should know. Eighteen months though is a long time in the minds of these young children. I can see that Lydia is startled out of the corner of my eye but I am concentrating on the children. I can see their reluctance. Lydia crouches down to their eye level and waits on the children. Karl is a little bolder as he watches her and then hesitantly leans forward to give her a kiss on the cheek. Liesel, copying her older brother does the same. Both barely touch her and I can see this hurts. She looks up at Gretel in my arms who buries her head in my neck. “Give them time” I advise and she nods.

Behind her come the stewards from the plane with her baggage. Shaking my head I comment to her “you never did learn to pack lightly.” We share a smile and then a chuckle. I lead her outside to our Excursion. Something about it though has her laughing to herself. Cocking an eyebrow at her she doesn’t share the joke as she shakes her head. The stewards pack her luggage in the back and I swing Gretel up into her seat and buckle her in. Karl climbs into his own seat and tries to buckle himself up. Seeing him struggle I see Lydia ask if she could help him. He hesitates and then nods. I buckle up Liesel and we are ready to go. In the driver’s seat I head up Hwy 101 to the circle that will put us on Hwy 1 west and then north. I point out things of interest to Lydia, like the college, the tech, the prison. At this she looks at me in surprise and I laugh saying “well, you never know where you’re going to get a date in this area.” She looks at me like I’m nuts and I laugh more. I can see it makes her wonder though for however brief a moment. This seems to break the ice and Karl hesitates to talk to his mother but then bravely begins telling her about school. Liesel tries to contribute in her little voice but is overridden by her big

brother “Karl, let your sister talk.” I admonish him. I can see Lydia is delighted though. They are at least talking to her. Lydia has to turn in the passenger seat to face the children. I can glance in the rear view mirror and see that Gretel is just staring at the pretty lady. As we head west through Morro Bay, north through Cayucos, and eventually into Cambria I point out the ocean, or rather the children do excitedly telling Lydia all about it. Finally as we are surrounded by grassland Karl asks in perfect German “Are you really our Mutti?” Startled Lydia isn’t sure what to answer. I answer for her in the silence “Karl, I explained to you that we are both your mothers but that this is your birth mother and you should call her Mutti.” I glance at Lydia for her understanding. I don’t think she was prepared for the children to ask questions or have opinions. They are no longer the babies that I left with; they are little people with ideas and thoughts of their own. Liesel piped up in English with “but can we still call you Mom?” I laughed and said “yes of course you can call me Mom.” The combination of English and German in their responses I can see startled Ly-

dia but I am amused. What did she think? I would forget their heritage? The house is a surprise surrounded by towering trees. The rich brick appearance reminds me of a house we stayed at in the Alps once. Ana has made it a home I see as I enter. I am feeling very out of sorts here though. I feel I am the intruder and in a very real sense I am. It is not that they aren’t making me feel welcome it’s just that the children don’t know me. Ana told me it will take time and I have to agree. What is that delicious smell? Ana has made a roast! I remember her cooking for me before and it had been delicious. I am pleased when she pulls out ambrosia too. The children are excited about it as well anticipating the treat. Ana has the children change out of their ‘church’ clothes as she calls them. I am surprised to find that they go to church. Ana and I hadn’t been particularly religious. Apparently they have been going to the Lutheran Church here locally and both Karl and Liesel are enrolled in Sunday school. They both show me their pictures and coloring books. As I sit on the couch waiting as Ana prepares dinner I am surprised when Gretel

toddles over and stands next to me staring at me, studying me. “She is trying to figure you out.” Ana tells me as she watches from the kitchen doorway, leaning against the edge. Smiling she asks the older two to help with setting the table and I watch as Karl takes the plates from her to place them gently on the table and Liesel does the silverware. Ana places the glasses and puts two wine glasses at the head and corner where I have to assume we will sit. On the other side of the end of the table is a high chair that I have to assume is for Gretel. “Dinner is served” calls Ana in German and we all head in there. Gretel holds her arms up to me! I swing her into the chair and Ana puts a bib on her. Ana lets her use a real plate and fork for the meal she has cut up before her. A sippy cup is at the top of her plate. I am surprised though before everyone digs in that Ana asks Karl to say the blessing. Perfectly and in English he says “Come Lord Jesus be our guest and with these gifts to us be blessed, Amen,” he continues quickly with “and thank you God for bringing our Mutti back to us.” Everyone says “Amen” to that. It pleases me to realize how well brought up our children have be-

come. I owe a lot to Ana, more than I can imagine. I hadn’t been sure what to expect. Lydia is out of place and a little uncomfortable I can tell. The children haven’t warmed up to her as quickly as she had thought they would. Look at that little Liesel flirting with her without even knowing it, showing her the pictures she has drawn at Sunday school and kindergarten. Karl is trying to get all the attention, I must curb that. I am pleasantly surprised when Gretel toddles over for her own share of attention. She is just imitating her older siblings though, perhaps it will help her warm up to Lydia quicker. Dinner is delicious. I don’t know if it’s because of the added spice of us finally being together or because I’d left the roast on to slow cook for hours. We chat about school and what the children have been up to as Lydia catches up in a small way. The ambrosia is a big hit for both adults and children. Gretel needs to miss her mouth less I realize as I clean up that messy face. Bath time! I had taken a very thorough shower this morning in anticipation of our meeting; shaving, plucking, and grooming. I had wanted to look good when I saw my wife again

after all this time. Bathing children though is a different story. I started the water as I quickly put away dinner for leftovers tomorrow. The older two watched TV while I bathed Gretel. Lydia watched by the doorway to the master bath as I soaped up our daughter and quickly got her doused. She ended up sputtering as I laughed to keep her laughing going ‘whoopsy daisy’ and keep her distracted. A toddler though gets clean quicker than you think despite the rolls of skin. I had her sparkling clean in no time so she could play a bit in the water. I really wanted to hand her off to Lydia but knew for Gretel it would be too much too soon so I didn’t want to push it. Soon enough though I had her out of the tub in a towel and was rubbing her dry playing a game of songs with her which she tried to sing along, it was an endearing habit of ours and one I will always remember, I had played it with the older two as well until they thought they were too old for it. I carried Gretel upstairs in a large towel to her bedroom that she now shared with Liesel. Changing her into a diaper and a jumper she was soon tucked in. I handed her a bottle as I turned on her carousel light and left the room. I was surprised to see that Lydia had followed me and watched our routine.

“Hi!” She smiled, “you really have it down pat don’t you?” she asked. I shrugged, what did she expect? I’d raised two boys on my own; our three were still small enough to not cause too much trouble. “I’ve done it before” cough cough, and a smile. As I brushed by her she grabbed my hand. Looking into those amazing golden eyes I was drawn in. We really hadn’t had a moment alone since she got here. As Lydia leaned in to kiss me, I met her halfway. Yes, I remember those lips, they are still very kissable. I was surprised though at the surge of want that went through me. I pulled her closer and she wrapped her arms around me. Damn, that felt good. All too soon I heard the two downstairs bickering over the TV show. Pulling away I looked into Lydia’s face and was pleased to see her want and need must be as great as my own. Smiling I squeezed her hand as I turned to walk downstairs. She followed along behind. “Hey you two time for baths and bed!” The cries of “oh no Mom, just a little longer” went unheeded and I stood there waiting until they were finished. Karl headed upstairs but I asked the two of them if they wanted to wash

in my tub tonight. The novelty of that had them racing for their pajamas and clean underwear and heading for the tub. “They bathe together?” Lydia asked. Nodding I was watching them to make sure they picked up their dirty clothes and put them in the hamper. “It saves time and water. Right now they are too young to know any different. When Karl turns 5 is soon enough to make sure they don’t see something they shouldn’t. School and his friends I think has pointed out those differences.” I grinned wryly. I turned on the water not trusting them yet to get the temperature above scalding. I also soaped each of the small bodies and had them lay in the water to rinse off. Throwing the toys in the tub with them I let them both play a while as I checked on the dishwasher. Lydia watched my efficiency in amazement. Tucking the two of them into bed was different than tucking in Gretel. Liesel joined us in Karl’s room as I read a story. The two of them tried to get a second story out of me and then to both the adults amazement a story out of Lydia. I told them that she could read them a story tomorrow night and was probably tired from the trip but she volunteered to read ‘just one’ story to them

and I let her as I went downstairs to change for bed. I picked up the toys in the living room and turned off the TV. Straightening up I heard Liesel asking questions about the story to Lydia but I knew that was only a delay tactic on her part. Lydia would learn I laughed to myself. Looking at the clock though I realized they had to get to bed and I called from the bottom of the stairs “off to bed now!” and heard Liesel scuttling to her room. Karl I could hear instructing Lydia what light to leave on and that the door remain ajar. She checked on Liesel and received similar instructions. I soon heard Lydia heading down the stairs. I turned off most of the lights and left a wall light dim so if one of the children should awaken they could make it to my bedroom. Lydia and I exchanged a hesitant smile as I led the way to my bedroom, our bedroom. “Could I take a shower?” she asked. I looked up in surprise from where I was straightening out clothes in a basket the children had gone through. Nodding I headed to the bathroom to remove the bath toys and hang them in a net to dry. I used the shower head to quickly rinse the soap scum the children had left and I left the bathroom to Lydia’s use. I had the clothes folded and sorted before I even heard her finish her

shower. I changed into a nightgown I liked and was brushing my hair in front of the vanity when she came out of the shower. “That looks nice” she smiled at me in the mirror indicating my hair. I had been lost in thought as I brushed and brushed and brushed. I smiled in return but didn’t say anything. I felt a little nervous, almost like the first time we had ever been together but even then I hadn’t felt this nervous. Why was I feeling like this I wondered? This was my wife! I wonder if Ana is as nervous as I am. Watching her effortlessly handle the children is a bit intimidating. I wonder if I will ever feel that confident. I have missed so much, is it too much? Little things like watching them take their baths and getting dressed for bed, reading to them, it makes me feel so warm inside. As Ana does her nightly routine I am amazed that she is doing what an average housewife would do. I hadn’t expected that of her. When I met her she was gallivanting around Germany, who would have thought that she would make a perfect wife and mother? That kiss we exchange after Gretel is in bed is so good; I want it to go on. I have missed

the physical side of our relationship along with everything else. I have been celibate the entire time she has been away except for a couple of times when I just couldn’t stand the want and need and used a toy on myself. I don’t count those of course but I can’t wait to be intimate with my wife! As I come out of the shower, I am thrilled to see the gown Ana is wearing, she looks so lovely. The gown reveals a lot of her back that I can see despite the length of her beautiful hair. She is way too thin! That hair though as she brushes it looks incredibly soft and silky. Taking the brush from her I continue brushing it out for her watching her in the mirror as she enjoys it. My fingers deliberately touch her nape and lightly, feathery, brush on her neck. I can tell from her eyes that she enjoys it; I can tell that it is soothing and arousing all at once. I can’t wait anymore and my lips begin to kiss along those exposed shoulders. The spaghetti straps of her gown get in my way and I push them aside to my kisses. I can see the goose bumps along her arms as my hands begin caressing down them. Pulling her from the stool I pull Ana up and into my arms plastering myself against her, kissing her full and inviting lips.

Damn, how did she arouse me by brushing my hair? I can feel how wonderful she is already making me feel and I didn’t want to make love until we had a chance to talk about what had happened in Germany. I want her so much though and this is a real wrench. I pull away and hold her at arm’s length as she looks at me alarm. Breathing deeply I try to get my equilibrium back. “Wait, wait” cough “we have to talk first” I try to tell her. Trying to pull me back into her arms Lydia says “we can talk later.” She is surprised when I shake my head no and pull away. “No Lydia, I need an explanation about what has happened the last 18 months. I want to be with you but I need to get my head around all this. Do you understand?” Sighing deeply Lydia backs off and sits on the edge of the bed. She doesn’t realize that towel she has wrapped around her is a temptation to me. I want to unwrap the package. Trying to keep my hormones under control I wait patiently for her to begin. Lydia explained farther back than 18 months though. She told me how Lars had gotten a lot of the board members to believe his lies and

innuendo’s. He tried to make her look incompetent. As a member of the Von Horn family must be running Werx or so the charter states it was naturally assumed he would be next in line. Lydia couldn’t allow that. She slowly set traps and built up a dossier of his activities in the company, both legal and illegal as well as some unethical practices. It took a lot of time and he had been very careful but finally she had enough to present it to the board a little over a month ago. She had struck like a cobra and left them gasping. Lar’s never saw what hit him. Not only that but she had people packing and moving him out of the Schloss while she was doing this to him at Werx. By the end of the day he was gone and she didn’t care where. He was lucky that the board at Werx was content with firing him and not prosecuting him. A few tried to imply that Lydia should have come forward sooner but she pointed out the times that she had and the end result made her look like a fool. She wasn’t going to take that chance again. She was now in total control at Werx. Her recitation of the instances of his deviousness and the things she had to do to get the information took over an hour. I listened quietly and asked a few questions of my own. Finally though Lydia was finished and I was grateful

for the information. They had all underestimated Lars. He had been intent on not only eliminating Lydia from the ‘competition’ but her and her heirs as well from the family. A complete dossier of the intent to kill was copied and sent to various attorneys around Germany that in the event that something happened to Lydia, myself, or the children it would be released. Such information was dangerous and valuable. Lydia hadn’t wanted to use it unless she had to. It could send Lars to prison for life. The threat of it though would keep him away for life it was hoped. This worried me but Lydia assured me that Lars wouldn’t want the humiliation that would ensue so he would stay away. I can’t believe what Lydia went through. It was a good thing she didn’t have me and the children to worry about but I read between the lines, she had been worried about us despite my having hidden us away. I knew the feeling though. Had I known what Lars was capable of I too might have been worried more. All I knew was that we had to hide and I had done it. Yes, we had all known the children were getting ill and there were ‘accidents’ but in the back of my mind I naively always tried to see the best of things.

I had refused to really believe that someone was capable of such evil. Lydia had lived a nightmare. I was grateful she lived through it, that she was here to tell her tale. Standing up I took her into my arms and held her, just comforting her by my presence. As she stood up in my arms I couldn’t help but feel her against me. What started as comforting turned into loving, very quickly. We had both waited too long and of course thought about this. I am amazed at how quickly this woman can arouse me. It should be alarming at this age but no, I’m going to enjoy it and enjoy her. I can’t believe what a relief it was to share all that information with Ana. I had forgotten how much we shared before. The total lack of communication for the last 18 months had made me crazy. I couldn’t tell anyone. I couldn’t take the chance that Lars would overhear or have something bugged. Elisabeth was my only friend and confidant during all this but even then we found a bug in the car one day and I had to stop telling her things. I needed to build my case against him and I had become secretive and morose. I had also gone through three secretaries in that time; apparently I had developed a temper too. The amazing amount of information I ac-

cumulated was a lightning strike against him. It was quick and relatively painless, for me. The crowning touch had been the dossier on him regarding his attempts to kill me and mine. He had crumbled then and left with his tail tucked between his legs. The arrogant bastard was no longer evident as he and his cheap wife left. I can’t believe how many he fooled and for so long in his quest to have it all. Ana is a comfort though. Just feeling her holding me brings back such good feelings. I can’t wait to make love to her and I don’t. Her cries of surrender arouse me to a fever pitch. Touching her most intimately I can’t believe how much I missed this, all of this. Her scent, her body movements, just her, makes me cum over and over again. We aren’t sated until quite late. I am exhausted between the trip and the worry and the loving. Finally content we sleep. I wake to the smell of coffee and cinnamon rolls. Ah, nirvana. Ana peeks her head around the door with a tray and brings me breakfast in bed! Oh, wow. My heart melts, I’m not sure if it’s the heavenly smell from the tray or the beautiful woman I love delivering it.

“We have to get the kids to school soon. If you would like to go along you will have to get dressed in about 15 minutes.” She tells me with a smile. Leaning in we exchange a ‘good morning’ kiss. “Thank you, this smells delightful” I tell her. Smiling she heads back to the kitchen where I can hear the sounds of the children as she gives them their breakfast. What a great sound to wake up to. I will have to make an effort though to wake up earlier so I can join them at the breakfast table. Fifteen minutes and I am dressed and ready to go. Ana had remembered what kind of coffee I loved and it tasted delicious. That cinnamon roll melted on my tongue and it was freshly baked! She could spoil me. I remember when I had never thought she knew how to cook, she sure showed me! Ana drove with Lydia in the front seat to the school. At the school she hopped out and unfastened first Karl and then Liesel. She told them to stay on the sidewalk as she unfastened Gretel. “Do you want to meet their teachers?” she asked Lydia who unfastened her own seat belt and hopped out.

I looked at what Lydia was wearing versus all the other mom’s. She was dressed for the office while all the rest of us were in jeans and blouses. Granted I was wearing designer jeans, but still. She looked fashionable and I don’t think given our circles in Germany she would be out of place but here she was overdressed. I was proud of her though, she looked great. I handed her Gretel much to their mutual surprise as I grabbed Karl and Liesel’s hands as they led me to their classes. Liesel’s class was first and we walked in en masse and her teacher greeted us. “Good Morning Mrs. Muenier! Hello Karl, Gretel” she smiled her welcome and then leaning down said “Good Morning Liesel” who beamed radiantly. “This is my Mutti” she announced by way of introduction of Lydia. The teacher looked up in puzzlement. I wasn’t sure I wanted to be outed here in this community but oh well, we would be leaving soon right? “Mrs. Biter, this is the children’s mother Lydia Von Horn, Lydia this is Liesel’s teacher Mrs. Biter.” I watched as Mrs. Biter’s face altered slightly at the announcement.

Lydia shook the teacher’s hand “it’s so nice to meet you.” She too could see what my announcement had done. She didn’t care though. I could feel the tension mount immediately; the teacher wanted to know more but couldn’t ask. I defused the situation by saying “well, we have to get Karl to class” waving a little goodbye we headed out of the classroom. Down the hall a little way was Karl’s classroom and I walked confidently in. “Good Morning Mrs. Muenier! Hello Karl, hello Gretel! And who is this” the cheerful little teacher greeted us. “This is my other mother, Mutti!” Karl told her proudly. The adults all were a little tense I noticed immediately, myself included. Well, so much for trying to hide anything. “Mrs. Coon, I’d like to introduce you to the children’s mother, Lydia Von Horn. Lydia, this is Mrs. Coon the Kindergarten teacher.” I smiled as though I hadn’t made a pronouncement that I knew would stress this teacher out. Amazingly Mrs. Coon didn’t react to the announcement. Either she was the coolest of cool teachers or she was used to same sex parent households. It made me wonder. She held out

her hand to Lydia and said “welcome Mrs. Von Horn.” Lydia shook her hand and we took our leave. I had been surprised that the world hadn’t exploded yet but then the day wasn’t over. I really didn’t know any of the other parents despite their repeated tries to include me. I hadn’t known how long we would be here so I didn’t get involved in anything. Other than a nod of acknowledgment and knowing what child belonged to whom I really knew no one. “So, are you going to show me around?” Lydia asked as we drove away from the busy school. “Nope, that honor belongs to our children. They would never forgive me if I didn’t let them show you everywhere. You might need an interpreter in their excitement but I am willing to do that as well as be your chauffeur.” I grinned. She so gets these kids and their needs. I would have ignored their feelings on this. I have so much to learn. This home where they have lived feels so like a home. I cannot get over how much parts of Germany it reminds me of. The tall trees and that house! It’s beautiful. She really chose well, my wife.

The children did indeed prove to be entertaining and efficient tour guides. They had no clue where to go but kept asking Ana to take them here or there. I understood now what she meant by interpreter. I would never have understood what they were talking about or where we were going. We walked down the one and only Main Street of the town. It was enchanting. It reminded me of a little village in the mountains. The shops were cute and small and very touristy. We ate dinner that night at an open grill. The ribs were fabulous. Gretel made a huge mess but Ana didn’t seem to mind as she wiped her clean. It was easy going, a family atmosphere, and I enjoyed myself immensely. The children really knew their town. I suspected that Ana didn’t go far except to make her calls to me and this had isolated them all and probably saved them. They took me next up to a beach called Moonstone Beach and we walked along, letting Gretel toddle for a while and then taking turns carrying her as the other two ran along the beach searching for these things called moonstones. We never did find any but had a marvelous time together. All too soon it was time to head home and to bed. Ana was strict about bedtimes.

I am amazed at how efficient Ana is with the children. Their normal whines and temper tantrums she heads off before they can get very far. I am quite intimidated but know in time I too will have some of that efficiency. I am thrilled as the children begin to accept me in little ways. I take delight in the little things, being asked to read to them, being shown pictures for school, being consulted by these little monsters that are my offspring from my own body but raised by a wonderful woman I love dearly. Ana has informed me that tomorrow is Thanksgiving and that the children are off for the rest of the week. She prepares several items for the next day holiday feast and I try to help her. Amazingly she instructs me on how to prepare ambrosia. It doesn’t taste very good until it has had time to set overnight she explains, I have to agree as I steal a taste or two. Sour cream! The American holiday of Thanksgiving is amazing. A feast is such a clever idea. The children keep busy making pictures, even Gretel is allowed to color in a carefully controlled environment, she tends to taste the crayons too much and Karl and Liesel both tattle on her. It’s really quite funny but Ana is busy getting things going in the kitchen so I try to referee.

A large turkey, several different kinds of potatoes and other vegetables, salads (both fruit and vegetable), several kinds of jello, and ambrosia. It tastes wonderful. I cannot believe what a cook my Ana is. Amazing! The children don’t eat a lot and Ana doesn’t allow them too much of any one thing but has them try everything. As we sit at the table and drink wine afterwards I am enjoying conversing quietly with my wife. It suddenly strikes me though, we are talking German and then I realize the children had been too. “Why are we talking in German?” I ask out of curiosity. Smiling Ana answers in German “at home the children know we talk exclusively in German. It helps them learn the language, Gretel too. In public or school, they speak exclusively English, although I would have to say with the slang they are speaking American.” Cough, cough. I am pleased and surprised at her ingenuity. This woman continues to amaze me. “What is going on with that cough?” I have noticed it since I got here. It’s fairly often and she doesn’t seem to shake it. “Oh, I caught a cold this spring and it just lingered on. I wonder sometimes if it is just habit and nothing else.” She smiles dismissing it.

“You should have it checked out by a doctor” I tell her expressing my concern. “I have, he too said it was from the cold we all had this spring, I’m fine.” Ana decided to change the subject, lowering her voice she asked “when did you think we should start packing up to go?” Frowning I asked “go where?” Surprised Ana asked “wasn’t that why you came here? To take us back to Germany with you?” “Of course that is why I came. I had thought though that you might not want to leave.” I had been thinking that very thing as I watched over the past couple of days how well they fit in here. Surprised Ana answered “I love it here, but the children should be at home in Germany where they belong.” “What about you?” I asked gently. I couldn’t let her make any sacrifice. She had done enough, more than enough I wouldn’t let her make any more. Ana looked deeply into my eyes, I swear she touched my soul “my home is wherever you are.”

The thought behind that made me want to cry. I reached over and kissed her. I was surprised when Karl spoke up from the living room and said “oooh, yuck, they’re kissing!” Laughing the adults began to clear the table. Lydia surprised me today. She was willing to stay indefinitely to make the transition for all of us comfortable. I didn’t want to upset the children but I also wanted to go home! This house had been home because I made it so but it was also where I hibernated for all these months. I wanted; I needed to be back with Lydia in our home. Now the Schloss was a little huge to be considered a home but our apartments had always been comfortable and with Lydia there every day I looked forward to coming home. To a degree I also missed our lifestyle. I needed the stimulation that I got from my jobs. I needed the people I had met and befriended. I was totally isolated here, self-imposed to be sure but that isolation was at an end and I was grateful. We packed up the children’s toys that weekend into boxes I picked up at the local UPS Store. I chose convenient carry sized boxes because I knew there would be quite a few. The fur-

niture I decided to donate to the church. I told the pastor that Sunday that we were moving and that I wanted to leave our belongings to the church. He was surprised and I didn’t explain about Lydia not wanting his censure or disapproval. He had met Lydia of course as I had dragged her to church that Sunday. I really wondered when was the last time she had attended one. As we waited in the annex for the children to finish Sunday school I introduced her many times to various people I was acquainted with. Her accent and her clothes labeled her an outsider. I didn’t tell anyone she was my wife or a Baroness but instead just introduced her as Lydia Von Horn. I didn’t owe anyone an explanation and I certainly wasn’t going to come out at church. We explained that night to the children that we were going to go home. I stressed the word home. Karl and Leisel both protested as they had friends here and wanted to see them once more. I told them they could go to school in the morning but that we would be leaving that afternoon. Lydia and I filled the entire back of the Excursion with their boxes and our baggage. Even with the third seat down it was a tight fit there was so much. I didn’t want to leave anything behind. As I looked around our yard at our

house, at our life, I knew I would miss this. Lydia put her arm around me understanding how torn I was. Monday morning we took the three of them to school. We walked them to their classes and explained to Mrs. Biter and Mrs. Coon that this was the children’s last day and they wanted to say their good-byes. I then walked with Lydia and Gretel to the school office to finalize their paperwork and arrange for their transcripts to be mailed to Germany. The secretary was surprised when I told her we were leaving. The principal came out of her office to say goodbye as well. That was the nice thing about a small town; everyone seemed to care even if sometimes it was nosiness. I genuinely felt they would miss us. We were fully packed when we picked the children up after school. I drove home one more time so they could say goodbye to the house. The only house they remembered right now. The minister came by and I gave him the key to remove our furniture. I had already called our landlord who had protested at the short notice. I agreed to pay two months’ rent as forfeit and I left a check for him. As we drove away I looked back in the rear view mirror at our little haven. I would miss it.

As we drove up to the jet I was surprised we had been allowed to drive right up to it but then that was the power of a private plane and Lydia’s position. The stewards quickly unpacked the Excursion and loaded everything into the belly of the plane. I had also arranged to have a driver take the Excursion to a local transfer company who would deliver it to my brother back in Milwaukee. It was in his name and he deserved it. It was in excellent condition and whatever he used it for or sold it, he would come out ahead. That seemed like the longest plane ride in history. Lydia had offered to let us stop in Wisconsin to visit the family but again I felt the need to get home! I can’t explain it but I just wanted to get there. Trying to keep three little kids all under the age of 5 occupied is a bit stressful. I finally got the three of them curled up on the queen sized bed at the back of the plane as Lydia and I stretched out in the recliners in the cabin. “Tired?” she asked me. Nodding I looked over at my beautiful wife. How did I get so lucky to find the one woman who loved me so? Taking her hand I lifted it to my lips for a kiss. Lydia smiled and leaned over to kiss me fully on the lips. I never regretted more that I had

put the children to bed in the back cabin than at that moment as she kissed me. I wanted her; I wanted her to want me. Here we were stuck in the cabin without a bed to be found. Looking into those amazing eyes I realized she felt something similar as we exchanged a smile. She seems sleepy a lot these days, must be the depression of giving up that beautiful little house. It had been cozy. How in the world she ever found this little town and that little house I will never know. God must have been guiding them. I looked forward to getting them home. I really did understand Ana’s need to get home. I had waited for this day for over 18 months and wanted our little family complete. As I watched Ana fall asleep on the long flight home I wondered at that cough she didn’t seem able to shake. She had assured me that she had seen a doctor but I wanted her to see someone when we got home. Their jet was met on the runway by staff from the Schloss. I recognized several of them as they and the stewards from the plane packed our boxes into the back of a Suburban.

“Surprise” Lydia said when she saw me examining the dark blue Suburban. So this had been her surprise to us. She had finally bought a decent SUV for our family. Strapping the chairs in the second seat I was pleased to see it had as much room as the Excursion had, maybe a little less. As Lydia drove the packed SUV back to the Schloss I was surprised to learn that this was the first time she had even driven it. She had purchased it before she left to come get us. I watched her as she drove over the familiar roads towards home and was pleased to just gaze at that beautiful face. I could see she became self-conscious as I stared too long so I averted my gaze. It was interesting to see what had changed since we had been gone but to be honest there wasn’t much of a change at all and this pleased me even more. As we entered the now familiar drive up to the Schloss I couldn’t help but feel content that we were coming home. I must have sighed or something as Lydia glanced at me and gave me an incredible smile. The servants were lined up as we left the evergreen planted driveway; it gave me a sense of deja vu as I remembered arriving like this years ago when Lydia had brought me here the first time. As I exited the vehicle I

could see most of them were genuinely glad to see me. As Lydia and I unbuckled the children and they were soon standing with us I could see more than one eye hiding a tear. Lydia introduced the children to each of the servants. Not that the children would remember all their names but the protocol must be established. I came behind and shook each and every one of their hands. More than one said “wilkommen Frau Ana” to me and I did feel very welcome. Inside I saw that two people awaited us, Armanda and Elisabeth. It amazed me that both of them seemed to be just as excited at the return of the children. I got a hug from each of them. Elisabeth I had expected the warm hug but when Armanda too gave me one and a kiss on the cheek it was a delightful surprise. She even whispered shyly “thank you for taking care of the children” before she backed off. They both watched the children carefully but seemed to understand that this was all as new for them and not to overwhelm them. Lydia and I took the children upstairs to our suite of rooms. I was surprised at the change in location but the suite had four bedrooms and while Liesel and Gretel would share for now, eventually they could have rooms of their own.

All four bedrooms were off a central area where we could sit and relax or watch TV. After thoroughly inspecting the rooms we all sat and did chat with Armanda and Elisabeth. The children I could tell were uneasy but I had made sure they understood that Armanda was their Oma or grandmother and that Elisabeth was Tante Elisabeth, a name we had established early on. Although none of the children remembered these people very well we should begin correctly I felt. The servants began to bring in the boxes and I tasked each of the children into unpacking one box so they would have toys to play with and be able to decorate their rooms. Lydia and I helped Gretel who badly needed a nap. She was soon asleep in my arms as I spoke quietly with Elisabeth. Armanda helped Lydia with Karl and Liesel. Karl vaguely remembered these people but not too well. It was interesting to watch the children adapt and accept. By the next day we had everything unpacked and two of the children’s bedrooms decorated. At least they had familiar items in their surroundings. “Do you think we should enroll Karl and Liesel in school right away?” Lydia asked as she watched them play in and out of their rooms.

Sitting with Gretel who was boycotting the commotion I looked up surprised “no, I think we should let them get used to all this first, let them settle in. Next week should be soon enough.” I too had been feeling a little unsettled. I didn’t really know what was expected of me. I had never been the haus frau type of woman and had played homemaker for a little too long. We had agreed that no nanny would be hired to take care of the children but that meant we both had to make sacrifices. Although we had built in caretakers in the form of a doting grandmother and aunt we couldn’t take advantage of that situation. I wanted to return to work and Lydia had to. Elisabeth had already brought me updates on the work done at Werx and here at the Schloss in my absence. Things had run so efficiently that I wasn’t really necessary to the day to day routine. In fact, I was feeling pretty unnecessary from seeing the reports. What I had started had continued on without me. As the days went by and the children became more familiar with the Schloss I made sure they knew their boundaries and didn’t wander into the unused parts of the house. I didn’t want

them accidentally coming upon the tours, especially at their young ages. I carefully supervised them but we couldn’t keep them cooped up in the Schloss all the time and I drove them to Rich’s family to let them meet the children. I felt they should know the truth about the children’s parentage but instead I let them think they were ‘just’ Lydia’s and mine. Seeing them enjoy their grandchildren without really knowing that they were their grandchildren broke my heart. Dorle enjoyed them as well. I could not believe that woman was still alive and kicking, what an incredible dame she was. I could feel the old restlessness coming upon me as the days went by. Lydia must have been able to sense it as well. I guess I was becoming moody and irritable but I too couldn’t stay cooped up in the Schloss. Christmas was coming and we took the children to cut down a tree. Strapping it to the top of the Suburban I had such a bad coughing fit that I felt weak afterwards. Lydia seemed concerned and asked when I would be going to a doctor. I put her off and changed the subject. The children helped to decorate the tree along with their mothers, grandmother, and tante. As the children so readily adapted to these two, Lydia and I felt we could go out and buy

Christmas presents for the children without them. We arrived back home anxious but thrilled that the children had weathered our absence so readily. It boded well that they were that comfortable already. Something is wrong with Ana. She denies it but cannot hide that horrible cough. Why oh why won’t she go to see a doctor? I see that she is bored here at the Schloss. Her wonderful work for the Schloss and for Werx had to be carried on whether she was there or not. I can look at it with pride knowing that Elisabeth and I kept it going despite her absence and the plans of Lars. She made a great start but it has grown. I’d like her to take the reins back but with her ill I am not so sure I can give her that yet. She needs activity and the children provide that but I can see it’s not enough. When it had been absolutely necessary it was one thing but now she has me to rely on and I can see her anxiety over doing ‘nothing’ as she sees it. Everyone can see what wonderful work she has done on the children. They are well behaved and well-mannered despite their ages. She doesn’t allow tantrums and keeps them in line when I might have let them go. Discipline is im-

portant and she points out that children need real and firm lines that they cannot cross. One day Karl said something a little nasty to Liesel, it was quite funny however Ana never hesitated to wash his mouth out with soap and have him sit in a corner for half an hour. He was immediately contrite and I would have let him off sooner but she was firm and I don’t think he will say that again to his little sister. It amazes me when she explains the why of what she is doing; I can only admire her skills that I must still learn. Some of it she assures me is natural and will come with time, but I have missed so much! Ah Christmas, I so look forward to this one with my complete family. I no longer consider Lars part of the family so we are complete. I know all of us are going to spoil the children to a degree but Ana had announced that we can only buy one present each for the children. Santa Claus would bring them some presents as well so actually we are each buying only two. She explained that we didn’t want to spoil them by giving them too much too soon. Everyone agreed, regretfully, but understandingly. She just made so much sense. I am excited to see them on Christmas morning.

It’s Christmas! Oh how the children are going to be so surprised by the lovely things that their four doting adults give them. I too had wanted to overcompensate for the year we all missed but I held firm with everyone. It is a tradition on Christmas here at the Schloss that everyone is off that morning. We can cook for ourselves and the tours are closed until after New Year’s so we don’t need to have all the servants here at our beck and call. They too have families and it’s nice to let them have this holiday for themselves. As I lay in our bed I gaze for a long time at Lydia, something she must have sensed as she woke up and gave me a beautiful smile. “Good Morning” I tell her. Rolling towards me she kisses me and murmurs “Good Morning my love” she wraps her arms around me and begins caressing me. As our bodies both indicate our want things begin to intensify. Quickly we shed our clothes and caress each other. I can’t seem to kiss Lydia deep enough or often enough our arousal’s are that quick. It’s as Lydia is cumming I realize how intense and fast it all is. Holding her spasming body I am amazed how much I enjoy doing this to her. As she starts on my body to make me cum I am grateful how much we are so in synch

and know what does what to each other to make this feeling grow. I am so close, I can feel the intensity building, just before it hits though we both hear a knock on the door. “Mutti? Mom? Bist du dort?” We both hear Karl’s voice at the door. Ceasing immediately we both realize my frustration but I will have to wait. Quickly I rise and grab a robe to answer the door. Opening it I see not only Karl but Liesel and surprisingly Gretel, all waiting patiently to start their day with us. Normally we have to wake them so this is a surprise. They pile in the room and onto our bed. Lydia hastily covers herself with the sheet but she is trapped much to my amusement, at least I have the robe. The joys of parenthood! The children immediately start in about what they are going to do today. Surprised I look at them and ask “don’t you want to see if Santa Claus came?” Apparently they had forgotten! How is that possible? They run out of the room and into the sitting room with Gretel trying to keep up. Lydia hastily grabs her robe and puts it on as we follow them out. Hung above the mantle are five stockings. The children want to pull them down immediately but I caution them as I hand every-

one their own. Each stocking contains candy and little presents. The children, although they enjoy what they got don’t even realize that the big presents are downstairs under the tree. After the commotion of the stockings I tell them that everyone has to get dressed so we can go downstairs to see what else Santa Claus has brought to good little boys and girls. The race is on. Anyone who has seen a 4 year old, a 3 year old, and an 19 month old toddler try to dress themselves has to appreciate the hilarity of the moment. It was bad enough that Lydia and I quickly pulled on underwear, jeans, and blouses before they came back wearing totally inappropriate outfits. Gretel was crying because she couldn’t dress herself. I took over Gretel and Lydia helped the other two get themselves dressed. As we walked down the stairs together it was hard to keep Karl and Liesel from running down them. Keeping a firm grip on over anxious children we met Elisabeth and Armanda at the bottom. “Froliche Weinachten” everyone exchanged greetings. Wanting to get the children to read their own names I had them look for their own under the tree. They each had five gifts from family and five gifts from Santa Claus. Soon the front hall rang with squeals of joy and tearing of

wrapping paper. I received from Lydia a beautiful turquoise necklace. I had given her an entire leather desk set, having noticed the one at her office didn’t look very nice and certainly not prestigious enough for her position in the company. I had wrapped presents within presents for her so it was a continual surprise and she loved it. She reminded me of a little kid as each item was revealed. Even the cobalt blue fountain pen delighted her as I had it inscribed with Lydia Von Horn in gold lettering. It really was a beautiful set and I got a wonderful kiss from my wife. Christmas was so special because we were here together, finally. Elisabeth and I headed to the kitchen to begin making breakfast as Armanda and Lydia cleaned up after the children and kept them amused. I whiped up a batch of pancakes and Elisabeth set out fruit and set the table. I soon had bacon and freshly made syrup having brought back a syrup concoction from the States that I couldn’t obtain in Europe. It allowed me to make ‘fresh’ maple flavored syrup that really amounted to boiling water, sugar, and adding the flavoring. The kids loved it and the others were willing to try it. It actually went over well with the whole family. We laughed and enjoyed our breakfast together as a family. Even Ar-

manda had good things to say about everything. Soon enough the children were fed and wanted to return to their new toys. As Lydia and Armanda cleaned up the breakfast Elisabeth and I returned with the children to the Christmas tree and chatted as they dove into their new things. Every one of the children had new clothes as well as new toys. Armanda had made sure each had a bond in their name that they could cash in after 10 years, a practical if somewhat boring gift. After Christmas it seemed to snow more often. I was reminded of Wisconsin in a big way. Lydia and I took the older two sledding as often as we could. Bundled up warmly we even took Gretel once in a while. I couldn’t seem to get my breath back though if we stayed out too long and the coughing seemed to get worse. I promised Lydia after the first of the year I would go see a doctor. Christmas was sehr schon! I am so happy to have the whole family together. Ana made it extra special in so many ways. I am glad she set limits for all of us on the items to the children as I know I would have gone overboard. By only giving the children a few things though perhaps they will appreciate it more. She made Karl and

Liesel carry one item each time they went upstairs to their rooms until everything was picked up from under the tree. I love the desk set, it was so practical and so beautiful. I would never have purchased anything like this for myself and yet I needed it and didn’t even realize it. I can’t wait to place it on my desk at work! The children’s shrieks were a joy to behold. I hadn’t known what to expect they had been so young when they left and it had been two years since we had a ‘normal’ Christmas. I am so enjoying all of this. Watching Ana, watching my mother, watching Elisabeth, I am so content with our family. I am so happy, finally. After New Year’s which we celebrated quietly at the Schloss, friends came by and wished us a good new year, we had seen a lot of people over the holidays but we didn’t go out too much enjoying our quiet time home alone for the first time in so long, together. Much to my surprise Lydia invited several of my cousins, aunts, and uncles. I was astounded that she even invited Onkel Friedrich and Tante Gussie who technically but unknowingly were grandparents to our children. They treated the children like grandchildren too! I wanted so badly to tell them that they were theirs but sharing a look with Lydia who I

could tell was restraining herself as well we both kept the secret. What I didn’t know at the time though it was for different reasons. That next week I was working while the children were in school. We had decided to start them off in the New Year instead of so soon after our move back to the Schloss. Since the children were bi-lingual it wasn’t hard for them to fit into the swing of things very shortly. Gretel still required full time attention but I or Lydia took her with us to the office where the child care center was still fully operational. In fact Lydia complimented me on its inception all those years ago, they found their employees worked better and they got a better class of employee with having this convenience on site. After a few hours though at work one of us had to go pick up the children from school, they didn’t go full days yet at their age and between Lydia, me, and Elisabeth one of us was to pick them up. Armanda didn’t drive and having a chauffeured driven Rolls Royce pick up the children was not the impression we wanted to give to the children or their friends or parents. After a week of observing and going over everything that had gone on while I had been gone I was even more certain I was not needed.

Elisabeth and Lydia had done a marvelous job in my absence but both assured me it was based on the models I had left. Even at the Schloss it ran smoothly. I was not even missed. It was with that depressing attitude though that I made an appointment with the doctor that Lydia insisted upon. I was surprised when she insisted on going with me. Did she think I wouldn’t go without her presence? The doctor was surprised when she came in with me for the exam. I explained my symptoms and about the cold I had last spring that never seemed to go away in the form of a cough. Too often I found myself short of breath as well. He gave me a thorough exam and decided he wanted some chest x-rays. They took them at his office; he told us that he would call with the results. As we drove away I thought that was odd as x-rays are usually immediate. Lydia and I discussed what could possibly be the problem but as neither one of had a medical background all we could do was think the worst or laugh about it. Neither of us expected the phone call from the doctor asking me to come back in the next day. I was puzzled and a bit alarmed. Why hadn’t he

just had us come back today? Why hadn’t he said anything in the office we had just left? For the next 24 hours I was on pins and needles. This wasn’t making my mood a good one to be around. I could see Lydia’s concern and worry and added to my own I really was a surly beast. The children sensed their ‘Mom’ wasn’t her usual cheerful self and seemed to act up. I tried to stay out of their way as I was stressed enough. Lydia was helpful and kept them distracted by taking them to the pool. I must have paced the hours away while they were gone. The children were hungry and tired when she returned. I must have looked even more stressed or upset as she asked “did he call again?” Shaking my head in surprise I distracted myself by helping the children get dressed for dinner. That night in bed she attempted to massage away some of my stress. Although it helped to a degree it didn’t get rid of the sense of foreboding I had over the doctor’s announcement that he wanted us in his office tomorrow. All I could do was wait and see. I tried to shrug it off but a coughing fit had me worried, it now had an ominous overtone. We left Gretel home with Armanda the next day as we took the other two to school. Ly-

dia insisted we take the SUV so we could drop them off and drive into town together. Whiling away the hours in Lydia’s office I was a nervous wreck. They didn’t need me in the PR department and I had nothing better to do. Watching Lydia work was making her nervous so I asked her to pick me up later at one of the local coffee shops. I couldn’t eat but I sipped on a soda as I attempted to read the newspaper. Time until my appointment never crept so slow. Finally though I saw Lydia walk in and I hopped off my chair to join her. As we sat in the doctor’s office I kept jingling my leg in nervousness. Lydia finally leaned over and put her hand on the leg to stop it. I laughed but was still very nervous. She held my hand reassuredly. Finally they called my name and we went into his office and sat down before his desk. Dr. Weiss is a handsome man a few years younger than Lydia and I stare absentmindedly at him as he gathers his file on me. Finally he looked up “Ana, I am concerned by what I see on your x-rays. They show a rather large mass on both sides of your neck, over your heart, and what appears to be one under your underarm. I’d like to do a biopsy as soon as we can arrange it.”

“What do you think it is?” I ask alarmed. He doesn’t want to commit and says “we will know better after we have done a biopsy.” Exasperated I ask “come on, you have to have a suspicion?” “I’d rather not speculate until we get the results from the biopsy” he tries to tell me professionally. I’m annoyed now and my grip on Lydia’s hand is like a death grip, I don’t dare look at her at this point. “Look, you have to have an educated guess, what do you think it is?” Sighing he finally resigns himself to my repeated questioning “I think it may be Lymphoma.” There it was. I might have cancer. I am stunned but only someone who really knows me would know that. I nod and ask “if it is can you remove it?” “Ana, let’s get the results of the biopsy before we decide okay?” Nodding again I ask “when would you like to do the biopsy?” He looks at a calendar on his desk and asks “would you be available tomorrow?” Already? Holy shyte this is way too fast! I nod in agreement and he outlines what they will

do. They will cut into my neck and remove a node; it will be sent to the lab and tested to see if it is indeed cancerous, this will take a couple of days. I am listening to this sort of absentmindedly as though hearing it through a long tunnel. My world is whirling a bit as he speaks. Finally though I realize he has finished and is waiting for my response. Rising I say “well then, I’ll see you tomorrow at the hospital then.” Is that really my chipper voice? I cough twice and realize that is what started all of this. I hadn’t looked at Lydia once since this conversation started. I was surprised to realize that she was still holding my hand as I went to leave the office. As we head for the elevator I glance at her and see her face is ashen. She hasn’t said a word and I don’t know what to say. We walk in silence to the Suburban and get in. Strapping myself in I wonder what can I say? There isn’t any really witty repartee I can offer at this moment. Lydia looks stunned as she goes through the motions of getting her seat belt fastened and starting the car. She doesn’t put it into gear though.

“Well, that wasn’t what we expected was it?” she offers as she looks out the front windshield. “What did we expect?” I really want to know what she is thinking. Shaking her head we both know we didn’t know what to expect at all. This has kind of hit us broadside. The ride home is rather quiet. At one point Lydia reaches out for my hand and holds it tightly. My thoughts are whirling as we head home, I don’t know what to say, I only know what to do. Tomorrow I have to go into the hospital for an outpatient surgery. Lydia makes several phone calls when we get home while I head for the computer and the internet for information. I don’t know what bad genie is sitting on my shoulder but the information is overwhelming and confusing as well as kind of dire. My thoughts aren’t pleasant as I read up on a subject I knew nothing about previously. Of course I find the worst case scenario’s and it depresses me. The few good pieces of information don’t do a lot for my psyche. Lydia comes in and caressing my shoulders reads over my shoulder for a while and then kissing my neck whispers “I’m going to go get the children” I nod as she leaves the room.

I head down to the pool and for a fraction of a second think about drowning as an alternative. I can’t do that to my children though. I can’t do that to Lydia. I love them all too much to leave that on their consciences for the rest of their lives. It wouldn’t be their faults but I know from my Christian upbringing that they would forever have doubts about what they could have done. Ah, I need to get out of this funk. It might be nothing at all, that’s why they are doing the biopsy, to see how bad it really might be. Stripping off my clothes I don a swimsuit left here for that purpose. Doing laps at least relieves some of the stress I have put myself through. Lydia finds me here hours later as I float and absentmindedly paddle around. I didn’t realize how long I had been in the water until she calls to me and I see how pruny I had become. “Are you okay?” she asks cautiously. Smiling at her I teasingly ask “wanna join me?” She is startled at my attitude. She left me depressed and unresponsive and here I am back to normal, even more so, affectionate. I can’t allow whatever this is to get to me. I have people who depend on me, who love me, I can’t let them

get depressed over this, I can’t let myself get depressed over this. Lydia joins me and we enjoy ourselves for a while playing and swimming together. ‘Catching’ one another it is like nothing else exists for this time and place. We kiss, we fondle, and we enjoy each other as we haven’t in a long time. Repeatedly I have to suppress my coughs but finally I have been in the chlorine filled pool for too long and a coughing spasm of intense proportions hits me bringing home the news we had today and I have to exit the pool. Peeling off my swimsuit I hastily dry myself with a pool towel and get dressed again. Lydia does the same and when we are both dressed she pulls me into her arms. “Baby, we will get through this” she comments. I like that ‘we’ but in reality I don’t know what I will do. My body just might be hatching more than a cold. Tomorrow is going to be a big day and the prognosis doesn’t sound good. Holding her I am trying to remain emotionless. I don’t want to upset her or myself. Smiling to her I say “of course we will it’s going to be nothing.” That night at dinner I explain that I am going in for a little procedure to the children. We

had begun letting the children eat with the adults soon after moving back and I wanted that to continue. How else would they learn? They weren’t perfect at the table but they had four adults to emulate and except for Gretel were doing fairly well. I knew the servants didn’t appreciate the mess she made and Lydia and I both made an effort to clean up as much as possible immediately after meals together. That was the point though, that we were together at meals. “What’s a pro, pro, pro thingy?” Karl asked. Elisabeth and Armanda both had stopped eating to listen. I could see out of the corner of my eye that this was bothering Lydia. Airily I answered him as though it were no big deal “I’m going to the doctor so he can check something out.” Sooner give them some information but not too much, they were after all very young. “Is he going to give you a shot?” Karl asked. I was amused to see as Liesel grabbed for her fanny. Surprised at the question I answered “I don’t know if he will, but maybe.” The children dismissed it as I thought they might but later Karl asked if it was about my

coughing and I admitted that was why. I thought perhaps if they had questions by keeping it open it would at least allay any of their fears. We could worry about worse if and when that happened. Their fears allayed what about mine? I know Ana is not sleeping but only because I too cannot sleep. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to say. Holding her comforts both of us but eventually we want our space. I don’t want to think the worst but how can I help it. I am trying not to give actual voice to my thoughts; I don’t want to worry her any more than she is. She is getting more and more worried I can tell as she gets quieter. I thought the way she handled it with the children though was good. Later I spoke with my mother and Elisabeth and told them about the procedure so they would know. Both expressed their concern but really all we can do is wait and see. I really don’t want to discuss it anymore. The thoughts in my mind are driving me insane, the ‘what if’s’ and the ‘shoulda’s’ are going to be the death of me. I cannot fathom why or how this is happening to me, I guess it just is. I don’t want to push Lydia away but I don’t want to hurt her

either. If this does get to be worst case scenario I don’t want her to watch me die. I have to put it all out of my mind or I won’t get any rest, God knows I need my strength to get through any of this. It was a long night; I think I got maybe an hour of sleep total sometime towards morning, right before the children woke up to bang on our door. Lydia hurried to answer it shushing the children and taking them to get ready for the day. As I listened to the noises that children can’t help but make I wonder if I really have ever appreciated them or their noises. As we walk into the hospital for the ‘procedure’ I cannot help but marvel at how ominous that sounds. I am trying to be cheerful for Lydia’s sake. She is equally as false towards me. We are both painfully aware of how hard this really is. Holding each other’s hands is small comfort. The doctor comes out to talk with us before going in to scrub up. The nurse hands me two gowns to put on as well as a cap and booties. That’s all, everything else is wide open. I laugh at my costume when it is on.

“I don’t think I would wear this to any of our parties” I point out to Lydia who laughs at the view before her. “Nothing is attractive when you’re wearing those” she laughs remembering her last two pregnancies and deliveries. The nurse has a checklist, did I eat anything? No. Do I have any jewelry on? I hand my wedding band, my engagement ring, the Von Horn crest ring, my necklace and earrings to Lydia to hold for me. When was the last bowel movement I had? Jeez, that’s a gross thought. Soon though I am on a gurney being wheeled into surgery. Lydia has to wait out in the surgical waiting room. I can see the worry on her face as I smile at her gamely. They are quite busy in here as I look around curious. The anesthesiologist introduces himself and asks if I have any allergies. No, not that I am aware of. They start an I.V. drip in my arm to keep my fluids up and to deliver any meds that I may need. The anesthesiologist explains that the meds he will be pushing will make me numb but I will be aware as they cut into my neck for the biopsy. They have to keep talking to me during the procedure to make sure they don’t go too deep. I can’t tell you how thrilled that makes

me. They roll me onto my left side so they can access the right side of my neck. Finally my doctor comes in to perform the procedure. Only it’s no one I am familiar with. Instead I am introduced to another doctor who is the surgeon and will be cutting into me. I feel pretty fine at this point. I don’t feel any pain as they cut in. What they aren’t aware of is that I can see everything in the reflection of the light above me off the chrome or whatever that is. I am horrified as they cut through the tissue and into my neck. As the time goes by I become quieter and they ask me repeatedly to answer questions and to keep talking. Something I have never had trouble with before but I am grossing out. I must have faded a bit as the next thing I know they are stitching me up and then putting a large bandage on the site. The doctor asks if there is anyone waiting for me in the waiting room and I answer “Ja, mein Frau” he looks startled at that but gamely heads to inform Lydia of the results. Rolling me onto my back they wheel me out to the recovery room. “Are you here for Analisa Meunier?” the doctor asks Lydia.

Wow, he might be a brilliant surgeon but his observation skills aren’t very high, thought Lydia as she is the only one in the waiting room. Nodding I say “yes, I’m Ana’s wife. How is she?” A little startled at her confirmation of being Ana’s wife he hides it and answers “she came through fine. We decided to remove all the lymph nodes on the right side and not just the biopsy. They all looked a little suspicious and as we were already there...” “Suspicious?” I interrupt concerned. “They looked odd but then only the lab can confirm what they are” he tells me with a deliberate ploy at being vague. Annoying as it is I understand. “You can go in through here if you would like to stay with her in recovery” he leads me to another door. Seeing Ana laying there my heart gives a jolt. She looks so defenseless, so pale, so out of it. Her smile barely registers. I lay there in a daze for a while until Lydia comes in. I give her a big smile, or at least in my mind it is a big smile. I find later that it’s this weak sickly smile.

“Hey baby, wanna dance?” I ask slurring my words. The ploy works and I see a ghost of a grin in Lydia’s face, she is amused at least. As the anesthesia wears off and I begin to become more aware of my surroundings I stare vacantly at a TV they have above the end of my bed. Lydia is holding my hand and not attempting to make small talk for which I am grateful. Neither of us knows what to say. A nurse comes in “would you like dinner Mrs. Meunier?” Strangely, I am starving! Nodding, I can feel the stitches in my neck. The nurse brings not one but two meals and Lydia and I begin the small talk as we both eat. “That anesthesia should be bottled; it would be great to have that buzz when Gretel is in a ‘I wanna stay up all night’ mood.” I get Lydia to laugh. “How about when the three of them are making as much noise as possible trying to shush each other so we can ‘sleep in?” Lydia counters and I grin. “Sleep in? What’s that?” I ask. The joys of parenthood.

Finally though they say I can go. I have this tremendous burst of energy. Lydia drives me home after they wheel me out to the Porsche in a wheelchair. I want to go shopping but Lydia talks me out of it still sure that I am stoned out of my gourd. I’m chatty and witty and we have a delightful conversation, it’s as though nothing has happened, I’m feeling fine, during the long drive home though I suddenly ask her to pull over. She barely makes it as I throw open the Porsche door and throw up alongside the road. As I wretch up that delicious dinner I don’t feel so good, I’m very dizzy. I cannot believe how fast that all wore off and made me nauseous. Lydia hands me a bottle of water to rinse out my mouth as well as a mint. It helps settle my stomach only a little but I am grateful for it anyway. As we head home I am not nearly as energetic or chatty. I groan laying my head back weakly on the headrest and Lydia looks over in alarm. “Just get me home, please” I look at her sadly. I notice the increased speed immediately. At home she helps me into the Schloss and we head for the stairs to our suite. Elisabeth comes out of the library and seeing my pallor and immediately turns around to head off the chil-

dren. I’m grateful for her sensitivity as I don’t want to deal with them quite yet. Lydia helps tuck me in and to change into bedclothes before handing me some pills the hospital gave her for the pain and some water to swallow them down. I hope they work fast as I just want the nausea to go away. Laying there staring up at the ceiling I cannot help but naively wonder is this the worst? Lydia brings the children in an hour or so later as I lay there quietly. I don’t know what she told them but they all seem a little too quiet. Not at all like the boisterous children I know and love. “Mom, Mommy? Are you okay?” I hear Karl ask. I haven’t been Mommy in a while so I know he is concerned. Looking over at him I smile wanly and hold out my hand. My nausea has subsided quite a bit and only a severe headache and sleepiness is left but I wanted to talk to the children before going to sleep. “I’m okay liebling. Mommy has a cut” I show him the bandage on my neck. I had gotten a good look at it in the mirror of the bathroom when I finally was able to go. Who would have thought that anesthesia would stop you up and so painfully too! Liesel is staring at my neck intently. “Does it hurt?” she asks.

Nodding a little I smile at her and say “but it will be okay, it will heal.” Gretel tries to climb up on the bed but Lydia picks her up and puts her on her lap instead. Immediately she starts to squirm. “Mommy!” she says distinctly reaching out for me. I hold out my arms and as she crawls into them I wince at her twenty month old exuberance. I ignore the pain she has caused to give her a hug and a tickle. Her chuckle is my reward before I return her to Lydia’s arms. “Mommy has to sleep now” Lydia announces. The children all wish me “Guten Nacht” before being shepherded out by Lydia. She glances back at me as I give her a genuine smile and blow her a kiss, I’m very grateful to her at that moment. She is holding up well considering. I’m glad the nurse told me what to expect. So far so good. I can’t help but worry though. It amazes me how accepting the children are. Ana says it’s because they are so young and have no idea what is going on. I can’t stand to see her in pain and she won’t tell me when she is. Tonight I seriously considered sleeping in another bed so I wouldn’t

jostle her but she turned to me when I slipped into the bed and just held me as she fell soundly asleep. Listening to her breathe actually gave me some satisfaction, knowing she was breathing, knowing she was home and okay. I whispered “Ich liebe dich” many times to her tonight and was surprised and comforted when she woke enough at one point to answer “I love you too!” Over the next few days I am amazed at the amount of energy I have despite the ache in my neck and the cloud of doubt hanging over its outcome. Taking the children to school or going into Werx I find something to do daily. The next week the doctor’s office calls for me to make an appointment for the results. This ominous note should have gotten me further down but instead I am optimistic. Lydia agrees to meet me at the doctor’s office that day. We both drove our own cars since we had different things to do that day. Sitting in the waiting room I am nervous and my leg taps. Finally Lydia walks in. Man, she looks so chic, so sophisticated, I am filled with wonder that this woman is in my life. Reality checks are a good thing for a relationship I think; it keeps me humble and grateful that I have so much with this woman. I love her very much.

She smiles and my knees go weak stopping the bouncing that has been going on in one of the legs. Taking my hand she squeezes it reassuredly as she sits down beside me. Leaning back I sigh as we wait for the nurse to call my name. Finally we are able to go into the doctor’s office. Again I realize how handsome this man is and wonder at his personal life. How inappropriate, I am about to find out one of the most important things in my life and I’m wondering about this cute doctor? Jeez, what is wrong with me? I find out though momentarily... “Ana, the biopsy reveals that it is indeed lymphoma. It’s actually called Non-Hodgkin’s Type B Lymphoma to be exact.” He waits for that to sink in as I glance at Lydia and see the stricken look on her face. Carefully freezing my own face, I ask “so, what can we do?” Shaking his head a little he says “it’s very advanced. Normal chemotherapy takes twelve or more months, you don’t have the time for that.” My heart is in my throat as I hear this. A death sentence? No, that can’t be, I have too much to live for! He continues “you have both sides of your neck affected which is why you were cough-

ing so much. It was closing off your throat. The nodes we took from the right side will relieve that somewhat, however we can’t operate on all the sites affected. You have a large mass over your heart and lung, approximately ten centimeters in diameter; you have another smaller mass under your left arm. We can operate on the left side of your neck to remove those nodes; in fact I’d like to do that later this week if you are amenable to that idea?” He looks me directly in the face to see how I am taking all this. I’m numb; it’s like listening to this happening to someone else. I nod, aware of the cut on the left side of my neck, but ask “and if I do nothing at all?” Shocked he answers bluntly “then you will be dead in 4-5 months.” I blink and feel the spasm in Lydia’s hand that is holding mine. Mine is without blood, I think the blood just drained from my entire body. “There is hope Ana, we have procedures that will freeze the growth of the two masses we cannot operate on. They are too inaccessible. It may mean you are very sick for a shorter while but it is possible that it will be fully treatable. There are side effects though.”

Carefully not looking at Lydia I ask “what are the side effects?” Being factual must make his job a little easier when dealing with fragile human beings. “Hair loss, bloating, sterilization, menopause, vomiting, diarrhea” he had a whole list. I laughed at the ‘sterilization and menopause’ statements though. I think Lydia and the doctor thought I was becoming hysterical but I had to find something funny at all this or I would go mad. I explained “I’m not having any more children myself anyway so those two wouldn’t matter. Besides, I have been menopausal for over a year” I glanced at Lydia’s surprised face, I knew she didn’t realize it with our enforced separation. As the doctor continued his plan of attack I realized I could do nothing and face certain death or I could fight so I had what? A year? Two years? Ten years? Visions of Lydia and the children flashed through my head as well as my two grown sons who had so much promise and had teased me about grandchildren for so long. I couldn’t do that to them, just give up? I had a lot to live for but did I want them to see me go through it? “Is there somewhere I could go for this treatment?” I asked.

Lydia looked at me in question as the doctor misunderstood me. “No, we can do it right here in my office. Each week you will come in and take some medication intravenously, one week two medicines, one week three, we will continue this treatment for 10 weeks, possibly 12.” I let it go, what I had meant was that I go away so my family didn’t have to see the side effects. I knew though that Lydia wouldn’t understand that train of thought, she would want to stand by me, watch out for me, take care of me and I didn’t want her to. She wouldn’t understand that, she loved me, but I loved her too much to let her watch me die so they could save me. I think it would destroy our love, but then did I not have enough faith in that love? Hadn’t I proved my love for her by taking our children and hiding for so long? Could I let her do anything less? Sighing deeply I listened as he explained the drugs I would be taking. One was a German concoction developed in World War 1 called mustard gas. He explained that they had realized in trying to kill the enemy with it that it also blew over their own troops. Trust the Germans to kill more than intended I thought wryly. One of the side effects that came though is that they found

some it didn’t kill but actually cured some types of cancer, lucky me. He also explained about the pills I would be taking to help prevent the side effects of the intravenous drugs. He wanted to put a shunt into my chest. At this though I balked “No, I don’t want that in my chest” I shook my head. Lydia who had been silent during all this except for looks and squeezes of my hand said “if it helps you though?” Shaking my head again I said “No, I won’t allow a shunt in my chest.” I was firm on this and I don’t know why but I just knew the thought of a tube sticking out of my chest was as unappealing as the whole process otherwise. “It will make it easier for us to deliver the drugs to you. We can put an IV in your arm weekly but it would be easier with the shunt” he explained patiently. Shaking my head again I said an adamant “No.” Changing the subject he outlined the procedure for later this week to remove the other nodes on the other side of my neck reminding me not to eat or drink, ya da ya da ya da I thought. I already knew that routine!

As we left the doctor’s office I felt absolutely and completely numb, too much information, too soon, too awful to contemplate. “Are you okay?” Lydia asked anxiously. Nodding and smiling wryly I headed for our cars. “Do you want to talk about it?” I expelled the breath I didn’t even know I was holding and turning towards Lydia answered “not really, right now I just need to assimilate all that” I indicated the building we had just exited. Nodding she pulled me into her arms and just held me. Although I appreciated the gesture and needed it I also just wanted to escape. I didn’t want the news the doctor had just given me, or the advice, or the prognosis, or the or the or the...I was going to go insane I felt. Instead I squeezed her reassuredly and got into my BMW. As I drove along I knew I needed fresh air. Despite the late January cold I had all the windows open and the heater turned up full blast. I even considered putting down the top but knew Lydia following behind me in her Porsche would know I had gone off the deep end. Speed helped once I left the city behind. As we headed into what Lydia and I termed ‘no man’s land’ where there were no cell towers and endless trees,

meadows, and beautiful countryside I really let the power of the car take me. I forgot of course that its winter in Germany and snow covered up the roads to the edge on both sides. I didn’t think someone would be broken down on the side of the road as I came around one of the many curves. I over compensated as I avoided the abandoned vehicle. Swerving far left around it I pulled hard to the right to get back in my lane and I hit a patch of black ice. I don’t totally remember what happened next but I must have spun around once or twice before coming to rest in a ditch facing the wrong way with the airbags deployed. Lydia came running up “Are you okay? Are you okay!? Ana, ANA! Answer me?” Groggily I looked at her wondering why she was shouting and then I realized the blood on the bag in front of me. What the heck was that from? I realized then that on the side of the road the tree branches had broken my windshield quite thoroughly. Lifting my hand I could feel the cuts on my face and see them when I looked down at my arms, they had gone through my jacket even. I looked back up at Lydia as the sense of what she was asking penetrated. “Ja, I’m fine.” No, I wasn’t fine. I’d been thinking so hard about what the doctor had told me a short

time before that I allowed my driving to become too fast for conditions. I’d allowed myself to be distracted and if I hadn’t been going so fast might not have over-compensated for that curve and the car parked there. All this flashed through my normally responsible mind. I watched as Lydia tried to raise a call on her cell phone, I thought ‘that’s useless’ since we were in no-man’s land after all. Fortunately a truck driver going the opposite way slowed and Lydia could ask him to call when he had service for an ambulance and the police. He sped off. I must have passed out or something because the next thing I remember is that they had put a neck brace on me and a board and were strapping me to a gurney. As I was put in the ambulance I saw Lydia’s anxious face above my own and that’s when it hit home how irresponsible I had been. I could have lost this beautiful woman; I could have irrevocably hurt her. And what about our children? My children? My family? Oh my God, she’s lost control of the car! I watched as she spun around and around. I thought she had it at that last spin but the ice on the edge of the road caught her and the branches smashed the windscreen. My heart is in my throat as I

park behind her and run to the accident. I can see she is dazed. I am too. I had watched when she left the doctor’s office; I should not have let her drive! It was a good thing I was in a powerful car too or I would never have kept up, the kilometers she was driving were way too fast, she never drove like that especially on this stretch of the road. The branches went through the windscreen and scratched her all to hell, there is blood everywhere. Thank God she is alive but I can’t get a signal! There is a driver and I flag him down. He will send help. Oh God, please let it not be serious, please, please, please! I can’t lose her! I just got her back! I love her so much! At the hospital they are both relieved that the air bags apparently caused more damage than prevented but they prevented plenty. The glass having shattered caused superficial damage. The branches had caused most of the deeper cuts but Ana insisted they not be stitched and instead they were taped. She looked like she had been beat up. The police took their report and determined she was driving too fast for conditions. Her car and the abandoned vehicle were both towed from the area. As Lydia helped her to a taxi that would take them back to the Porsche she kept admonishing

her to ‘be careful’ and it drove Ana crazy, she wisely kept silent. The family was all upset when Lydia and Ana returned to the Schloss. Ana looked a fright and Lydia had to explain about the accident. Trying to allay the children’s fears Ana focused on them as Lydia quietly pulled Armanda and Elisabeth to the side and explained about the Lymphoma. Some of Ana’s fears about treated like an invalid were confirmed that night when Lydia insisted on tucking her into bed. “Mommy, hurt?” Gretel lisped in her little voice. Nodding I looked into that beautiful little girls face. She was Lydia in miniature on so many levels. Good aristocratic blood lines I thought but then for the first time in a long time I thought about Rich and realized that this child was my fourth cousin actually so my blood, however thin, ran through her veins too. “Mommy will be okay. I just got an ow from driving too fast in my car.” This sufficed for the older two who were being careful not to jostle me as they helped to put me to bed. “Mommy will you be better soon?” Liesel asked.

I smiled as best as I could through the cuts. One was on my lip and it hurt to stretch it like that. Leaning over the side of the bed so the children could reach me I said pointing at one small spot on my cheek “I don’t hurt here, it could use a kiss though?” The children smiled in relief as each dutifully gave me a peck on the cheek in that very spot and then headed out to our sitting room to wait for Lydia. She too took advantage to give me a peck on that spot. Reaching up I grabbed her hand before she could leave. “I’m sorry” I told her earnestly looking into those amazing eyes that always held me captive. I could see the hurt and worry in them. “Sorry? Why whatever for?” she asked confused. “For putting you through all this. For getting sick, for the accident, for all of this!” I said it as though she should have known already; tears welled up in my eyes as my emotions got the better of me. “Baby, it was an accident. And as to the cancer, you couldn’t have known” she shook her head her own eyes looking suspiciously wet. Shrugging I answered “it’s not going to be easy.”

She too had heard what the doctor told me so she already knew that “we’ll get through it.” “Maybe I should go to a convalescent home or something.” I told her thinking my earlier thoughts that I hadn’t made clear in the doctor’s office. “You want to go away?” she asked. The hurt in her voice was apparent. Shrugging again I answered “that way no one has to see what I am going through, I thought for the children’s sake...” I left off, that was lame. We both knew it. Angry she answered “we will get through this together! You aren’t going to go through it alone. I won’t have you God knows where, not knowing how you are doing, and if you need me.” The anger was real as well as the hurt. She changed her tone and said “Ana, don’t you know how much I love you? How much I need you? We will go through this together!” Looking into those amazing eyes I realized I was being selfish to not let her help. As the pain pills kicked in and I started getting sleepy I patted her hand and answered “I am sorry, I just thought it would save you to not see me go through this.”

“It would kill me more not knowing” she answered and then realized how she had worded that. We shared an ironic laugh. The next day I ached worse than the previous one. My muscles must have tensed and I looked horrible. I could see it on the children’s faces as they saw me and I joked that I had the perfect costume for Halloween. I also avoided them to a degree so I didn’t frighten them. Lydia stayed home from work to take care of me and to mother me and to hover. I tried to stay drugged up on the pain pills and for two days managed to remain fairly unconscious. By then the swelling had subsided considerably and I could wash my face without wincing too badly. A few of the bandages washed off but the cuts were healing nicely. As we went in for the second surgery my doctor expressed alarm over the state of my face and body. It took some convincing for him to proceed with the surgery but I assured him I wanted it done and over with. I couldn’t feel worse than I had this week anyway right? Boy was I wrong as I would find in the coming months.

Now I have bandages on my face, a new one on my neck and various cuts and bruises all over my arms and chest and face. I asked Lydia to keep the children busy for a couple of days to keep them from being frightened. After considerable argument Elisabeth and Armanda take them into the city to visit friends and leave Lydia and myself at the Schloss alone. It’s relaxing to just hang out, read a book, or watch TV without the children around. I can’t even remember the last time we were childless. It’s also unnerving because you expect one of them to pop up at any time. Amazing how much time you have to think though. Of course I was thinking about my cancer a lot but I thought about my family just as much. Thoughts and worries about Lydia occupied a lot of time. We hadn’t been intimate in weeks and although it was inappropriate and I looked like Frankensteins’s bride I wanted her and needed her. I couldn’t kiss her well with my split lip but it had healed considerably and I wondered if I could ‘make do.’ I also knew if I approached her she would probably reject me. Not that she had made it obvious. She held me, she hugged me, she touched me, but there was a certain element I knew was missing. I also knew

how sexual we both had been before all this, how sexual we had always been, it had been an intransigent part of our relationship, the passion had been incredible, I missed that and thinking about it aroused my body. I wondered if I could convince Lydia though. Armanda and Elisabeth called to say they would be gone overnight at friends with the children. I wondered if they had planned that or maybe it was the fates smiling down on me and my plan. I asked the cook to send up a light meal and I myself went to the wine cellar to choose a bottle. I had to be careful with my pain pills not to drink too much as it might make me pass out but I figured a glass or two couldn’t hurt and I was feeling better despite my appearance. Lighting the fire in our suite I set the mood with candles and soft music. If this didn’t scream seduction I didn’t know what did. When Lydia walked in from working at the home office she tensed at the scene. I was warm, I was loving but I didn’t make any moves. Other than light conversation and a romantic atmosphere I didn’t hint in any shape, manner, or form that she was the object of my lusts. And I did lust after her, I wanted her so bad it was creating another pain in my nether regions and that part had been dormant for far too long. I

could tell that Lydia wasn’t unaffected by the atmosphere. She was resisting it and I knew by not making any moves that I had unbalanced her. She had been ready to reject me but I allayed those fears by not making it obvious. I was affectionate but no more. As we got ready for bed a few more of the cuts were revealed and I stared at myself in the mirror in disgust. Already the bruises that had been black were a dull dark green blue with a brownish tinge. I’d been lucky I realized. The cut on my neck was healing nicely on the right side, the left still covered by the bandage. Yeah, I know, really attractive as I got in one of my ‘make love to me’ gowns, it revealed more of my gross bruises and cuts than it hid and I almost gave up the idea entirely. I wondered if we would get to the ‘make love’ part of my agenda. Like that was going to happen in this condition. The night had been pleasant though. Children free, romantic as hell, and relaxing. Although I wanted more I could see Lydia was prepared to put a stop to it and I resented that on some levels. We had always had an understanding that if one of us was in the mood the other would ‘accommodate’ even if they weren’t totally in the mood. It helped that

we were so in synch and so sexual that ‘accommodation’ usually was changed to full participation rapidly. It was rare that one or the other turned the other down flat. I wasn’t willing to take the chance though. Getting into bed it was nice to just cuddle. Lydia had been very careful how she touched me the last couple of weeks, between the surgeries and the accident I was being coddled like fine glass. I didn’t want to be coddled, I wanted mind blowing sex! Yes, inappropriate in my present condition but when you’re married to a woman as fine as Lydia you can’t help but get ideas. I’d been in a funk for a while between depression and illness and I wanted to live! I wanted to party while I still had the energy. I wanted, I needed validation that I was still desirable before this all got ugly, before I got ugly, but looking down at my cuts and bruises I thought perhaps it was already too late. As we drifted off to sleep together I was pleased that she was in my arms instead of the other way around. I determined to wake early and take advantage of her. Somewhere in my mind that thought stayed as I had some pretty erotic dreams. I woke horny and needing. I wrapped my arms around Lydia who turned with a smile in-

to them. Gently I began to caress her. She turned slightly away and I spooned up to her back so she couldn’t escape my hands. I began to hit all her pressure points that I knew would arouse her. I knew this woman so well after all these years I knew where and when and how to get to her. I could tell by her body movements that I was succeeding too. As she began to really wake up I increased the pressure and began kissing along her neck and shoulder. Tonguing along the back of her ear it was gratifying to hear the catch in her breath as it hit a familiar spot. I could feel her nipple harden under my palm as I gently caressed her breast. Her buttocks ground suggestively into my crotch as she responded. As she became more fully awake though I could tell the exact moment she realized what I was doing as her body stiffened. She tried to turn and I wouldn’t let her as I held her captive in my arms and had my way with her body. One of my hands drifted down between her legs and although she resisted she couldn’t help but open to the feel of what my fingers could do to her. “Ana, what are you doing?” she moaned. Amused I answered “I think that would be obvious?”

“No, I don’t want....” but she was helpless to what I was doing, her body had been relaxed in sleep and possibly from the wine the night before. She wanted it and she knew she couldn’t resist. I wouldn’t let her turn around as my hands and lips ravaged her body. My own body ground against hers suggestively as my fingers played with her. One hand tweaked and rubbed a nipple, the hand gently massaging the breast, the other hand played with her clit and the wetness it found there as she groaned in surrender. My own body was overheated knowing the signs of her arousal. I wanted, I needed, to hear her surrender. Gently I kissed and sucked along her neck. My teeth nipped along her shoulder. The combination was driving her wild. Her body wasn’t controlled by her mind at all. She bucked in my arms as she came over and over again. It was primeval and her cries she turned into a pillow to muffle. I held her and played with her until it subsided getting satisfaction in knowing I could do this to her. I only allowed her to turn in my arms when she was finished. “Why did you do that?” she asked a little miffed. Grinning I looked at her like she was crazy “why do you think I did?”

She must have seen the look in my eyes as her own softened. Although I knew I didn’t look very attractive right now my body must have appealed to her as she reached for me. I released a heavy sigh when she finally touched me and began making love to me. I needed this, I wanted her so. As she kissed her way down my shoulders and to my breasts, being careful to avoid the cuts and scrapes she began tonguing my nipples that were still hardened by her arousal. I arched into her mouth holding her head tightly to me. I encouraged her in every way I could letting her know with my body how badly I wanted what she was doing to me. She stripped my gown from my body and began caressing it. As she inched her way down my body I couldn’t help but go into my happy place as I closed my eyes and just ‘felt’ what she was doing to me. It felt incredible. Her fingers touching me intimately is what I had craved. As her mouth inched lower I curled into her indicating in every way that I wanted it. The first touch of her tongue on my clit though nearly sent me over the edge way too soon. I bucked but she held me tightly, her fingers gently plunging inside as they petted my G spot. As she reached back up with her other hand to tweak my nipples I was

in seventh heaven and it wasn’t long before my overheated body was bucking in earnest against her mouth, grinding the orgasm out of me. When I thought she was done though I found much to my delighted surprise that she had only begun as she plunged in and out of me to another orgasm. My body arched off the bed as I responded to her ministrations and came again. Finally though she released me as I came back down to earth, as I came back down on the bed breathing heavily. She kissed her way back up my body and finished by tenderly kissing my lips, taking care not to hit the bruises and battered parts. I can’t tell you how grateful I am for this incredible woman. Ana, I can’t believe what you make me do. I just want to love you, not make love to you. You tricked me though and my body betrayed me. I can’t resist you or what you do to me. I can see a slight withdrawal into yourself since we got the news, don’t push me away, I love you; I don’t want to lose you. My heart was in my throat when you asked what would happen if you did nothing. Not a good prognosis. Live, baby, live, for you, for me, for our children! The first session of chemo was scheduled for the following Wednesday. I wanted to go

alone but Lydia insisted. I couldn’t refuse her and didn’t. It wasn’t much though. I sat in this reclining chair as they stuck a needle in my arm. I have good veins so it was no problem for them to find a good one. I felt a bit of recoil as I watched this pink concoction start to pump into my vein, knowing it was going to ‘kill me’ to ‘cure me’ or so we all hoped. Lydia sat and we chatted while this was going on. It’s kind of cold what is going in and they offer me a blanket but I am warm enough. I wonder though how soon will I begin to lose my hair, the nurse informs me that some people don’t, I hope I am one of the lucky ones. After not even an hour I am finished with my ‘treatment’ and can go home. I seriously debated going to the office but Lydia wants me to go home. I don’t feel any different; in fact I have an amazing amount of energy. If this is chemo, I won’t have any problems with it, piece of cake. As we drive home I still feel fine. “We should seriously consider putting in a play set for the kids this spring” I comment. “Where would you like to put it?” Lydia asks. “Somewhere behind the Schloss, perhaps in one of the gardens where it can be hidden from

view but we can get to quickly and easy. The kids shouldn’t have to hike to go play.” We begin discussing what we had as children, what we would want on a play set for our children, what we wouldn’t want. It leads to a lively debate as Lydia’s plans are over the top and rather grandiose. It’s funny and we both enjoy ourselves. It allows us to forget the horrible thing that I just started. When we get home it’s in time for a late lunch and we sit down with Armanda who asks about my chemo treatment and I tell her I am fine. It’s about two hours later though when a door slams on my body and it hits me, hard! I barely make it to our bedroom and bathroom to retch into the toilet. Then I have to turn quickly for the other end. This isn’t fair, both ends! Oh God, what nausea. As I brushed my teeth and drank a glass of water I thought, well, so much for being able to handle this no problem, yuck. The water threatened to come back up but I swallowed, a lot. As I came out of the bathroom after cleaning everything up I spotted Lydia sitting in the living room of our suite. Climbing into our bed I just lay there reclining. I heard her get up and come into the room.

“Are you okay?” she asks gently, I can hear the concern in her voice. Nodding I don’t want to answer. The vomiting had caused me to tear up and I didn’t trust myself to speak. “Can I get you anything? Crackers? White soda?” I knew she was remembering when I got those things for her when she was experiencing morning sickness. Nodding again I just turn to my side as she leaves the room. I just want to be left alone actually but how can I explain that to her. In the following weeks a routine is established. I get up at 5a.m. to take a pill that has to be taken on an empty stomach. An hour later I eat a banana and take more pills. Some I have to take with milk but as I am lactose intolerant I have to take it with chocolate milk. Apparently something about the cocoa bean that makes chocolate negates the lactose intolerance. Then I usually throw up my ‘breakfast’. An hour or so later I can manage to eat again. On chemo days I am prepared for both ends to desert me. Some days, depending on what I manage to eat, nothing appeals, I get little surprises. I spend a lot of time in our suite so I am not far from a bathroom. I am

always cold. I try to remain optimistic but by the fourth week my hair is coming out in gobs. Leisel and I are brushing out my long beautiful hair when she screams “it’s coming out, it’s coming out!” She is holding the brush with two foot strands of hair. Lydia comes running from the living room with Karl right behind her. “It’s okay Leisel, its okay! I was expecting this. It’s part of the medicine that I am taking to make me better. It will grow back.” I try to comfort the distraught child. Glancing at Lydia I can see the worried look on her face. Karl is horrified. “Look at it this way, I won’t have to brush my hair for a while when it’s all gone” I try to joke. How do you explain this to a 4 and 5 year old child? By the next session even more hair is coming out and it looks greasy as it all thins out. The problem with so long of hair it takes a lot out of you to manage it. Looking greasy is not my look. That very afternoon I go shopping for a set of scarves and a good hat. I find two silk scarves that are beautiful and a straw hat that fits my head just right for a day at the beach. Without telling anyone I go to a hair salon and ask them to shave my head. At first they refuse thinking it’s a prob-

lem with my German. I know my German is excellent after all these years of living here. I repeat myself and then patiently explain that I am going through chemo and want the greasy locks that are left to be shaved off. The girl complies with my request and gathers the hair that is left. There is enough to send to a wig maker for someone going through chemo. I wonder if I should have been one of those to buy a wig. When the children get home I tell them I have a surprise. They see me in my scarf, wrapped around my head and my straw hat. As far as they know the hair is tucked up under my hat. As I remove the hat I realize how cold the air is without hair. It seeps right through the scarf. Then I begin to remove the scarf. Liesel is horrified. I wonder if it is because she is a girl and hair signifies a girl’s status or something. Karl is fascinated “can I touch it?” I nod and feel his small hand touching what stubble there is. As I spent the afternoon with Gretel she doesn’t think it’s a big deal. I know I look odd, a freak but I want the children to be okay with it. Liesel I don’t push as I know this has to be hard on her. We begin to play a game and I leave my bald head open for them to see, to accept. As we

play though I notice Liesel sneaking peaks at me and I tease and laugh with her. I want her to realize I am the same Mom she has always known, just with a different hair style, none. By the end of our game and in time for dinner she has relaxed enough that I am comfortable with putting one of the scarves back on. “Which one should I wear to dinner? The black or the red one?” I ask the room at large. Gretel has no opinion. “The black!” Karl says immediately. “The red one! It’s prettier!” my dainty daughter replies, joining in on the decision. I decide to accommodate her and show her how it goes on. As the three of us walk down to dinner Lydia comes through the front door of the Schloss. She stops dead at my appearance. I know what I look like. The pictures from Nuremburg remind me of what I now look like. My pale drawn skin, no hair, starting to look emaciated. “Mutti! Mutti, look Mommy has a new hair cut!” Liesel announces. “Yes she does, doesn’t she?” Lydia answers amused. Not so amused though, I can tell how horrified she really is. “Why didn’t you tell me?” she asks me over the children’s heads.

Shrugging I answer “it’s just something that I needed to do.” Nodding she and I walk with the children into the dining room where Elisabeth and Armanda are already sitting. I go through several stares of horror before they both carefully mask their expressions. The children though aren’t as good at adults at masking their feelings or emotions. Liesel informs them that my head is cold and that I have to wear a hat too. “It feels soft” Karls informs them. I’m amused and quip “well, I will save on shampoo now!” I can see though that the other adults in the room aren’t as amused as the children and I am. During the meal I explain for the children’s benefit what they will now do with the remainder of my hair that they cut. The older two are fascinated and Liesel asks “will you get a wig too?” Everyone except for Gretel sits up for this answer as I carefully consider “I don’t know, I thought about it but I don’t think I want one.” “Why not?” asks Lydia. “Because I don’t think they look natural and I am not trying to hide the fact that I am going

through chemo.” I shrug “it’s not like I really can.” I can see this discussion has made the adult members of my family uncomfortable so I ask Karl what happened at school today to change the subject. “Why didn’t you tell me you were going to do this?” Lydia asked after the children went to bed. “What would have been the point? You saw it coming out in gobs. You saw the reminders on the pillow every day. I couldn’t keep seeing that without feeling grossed out by it so I had it shaved off.” I tried to explain but I knew I was failing, she didn’t understand, she couldn’t. “Shouldn’t we be discussing things?” I could hear the hurt in her voice and I felt bad for it but I don’t know, this was so personal. I had shaven my legs once in the last four weeks and according to the doctor all hair growth had stopped. I wasn’t supposed to come near my body with a shaver I guess in case I cut myself. One of the few benefits was that my legs and underarms didn’t need shaving now. I hadn’t lost my pubic hair or my eyebrows and eyelashes yet but I knew I eventually would.

Lydia took me into her arms “baby, don’t shut me out. Don’t make decisions without me. I want to help. I don’t know what to do. When you do things like this it makes me feel farther away from you.” “Don’t you know I don’t WANT you to go through this with me?” I try to explain but it sounds horrible and I know it. Pulling back slightly I can see the hurt in her eyes “Ana, I love you, don’t do these things. I want to help you!” Resigning myself I kiss her and comfort her. I don’t think she can understand how truly rotten I feel. I want to curl up in a corner and die. Most of my days are spent on the couch watching a movie or just staring off into space dozing. When I do have energy I manage to go to pick up the children but even that was carefully monitored by the other three adults in my family. I felt a little trapped. By week 8 I am feeling truly horrible. I have become anemic and they have me going in almost every other day to test me or check on me. It has all become mind numbing. All I can keep saying to myself is two more weeks, two more weeks. I can make that. I can’t stand the num-

ber of pills I am taking in a day; the number has climbed to 16! I can only eat small amounts of food. Fruit seems to be helpful but it has to be fresh and cold. Nothing fried as the smell alone nauseates me. I just feel awful. My psyche is taking a hit too. I try to remain upbeat for the children’s sake but that is an act. Around the adults I plod along in a nightmare of my own making. Although I try to be upbeat for them too it is a little more transparent. I don’t know how to reach Ana. She is reaching inside of herself and not asking for help. She even insists on driving herself to her appointments, she doesn’t want me there, I don’t even know what the doctor tells her anymore, and she doesn’t want me watching her die by degrees she tells me. Doesn’t she realize I want to help, I need to help, I feel so useless when she pushes me away. She is so pale. The doctor doesn’t want her in the sun at all as the chemicals and pills she is taking will cause a reaction and she could get a horrible sunburn. She reminds me of a cat we had to put down years ago which in its last days turned into itself before it died. I don’t want her to die of course but her actions are similar. She is so damnably independent. She really makes an

effort for the children, I can see that. She turns away from me more and more. I miss sex. I don’t feel desirable and I cannot help but think Lydia doesn’t find me attractive with my bald head and bald white body. I find myself disgusting but I cannot help but remember some very good sex with Lydia. I have no desire though. Although I find Lydia attractive and know I want her I cannot find the key to unlock the juices that have dried up in me. I wake up some nights in so much need for I know not what I can only hope it eventually will come back, whatever it may be. My sex drive is dead. I ache so badly though, my joints hurt so much, I probably wouldn’t be a good partner. I wonder though if Lydia misses sex. The last time we had sex was over two months ago. I worry that I might be driving her away. Still, I wake sometimes with her arms around me or her spooned up to my back. I can lie that way for a while but eventually I have to get up and stagger to the bathroom to just sit on the toilet. It isn’t pleasant and it certainly isn’t conducive to a love life. I’m drying up and getting old. I feel about 100 years old.

As the tenth week approaches I let Lydia come with me for the ‘final’ treatment. I hadn’t been letting her come for weeks on end since it was the same every week. I didn’t want her to watch me lay there as they pumped poison into my veins, it was boring, it was sad, and it was depressing. They had trouble sticking me now as my veins had shrunk and were now hiding. I hated the bruises on my arms, I looked like a junkie. As I lay there and they pumped me full of the poison that would ‘cure’ me the doctor walked in with my chart. “Ana, we have decided that we are going to go the full twelve weeks instead of just the ten weeks.” He smiled winningly as though he had brought me a present. Instant annoyance hit me and I knew Lydia could tell immediately. I had held on for the ten weeks but two more weeks of this crap was depressing. As my mouth filled with the now familiar metallic flavoring that came from within I started to shiver from the chemical reaction in my body. The doctor covered me in a blanket. “I thought you said it would be ‘just’ ten weeks?” I asked, hoping for a reprieve. “These latest x-rays show that we have halted the growth but I want to be sure we have

killed the cancer cells. When you start radiation treatment” what did he mean ‘start’, we had never finalized that plan “it should shrink the growths that are left in your body.” I was angry. I was depressed. I had had enough of this treatment. I felt I had been left out of all my decision making. At no time had we discussed continuing the treatment in this way. I waited as the nurse removed the needle from my arm. As the doctor outlined his plans for the coming weeks I turned from where I was holding the cotton to my arm (I wouldn’t allow the tape on my arm anymore, it ripped my now fragile skin) “No, I don’t think so” I told him blandly, perhaps a bit truculently. Startled he stopped in his recitation “What?” he looked surprised. Apparently no one argued with the doctor. It convinced me that he had been listening to the sound of his own voice and not what he was saying. “I won’t be having radiation treatment. In fact, today is my last chemo treatment, I’ve had enough. You don’t consult me, you inform me, and you don’t even come into most of my appointments other than to send directives via your nurse. I’m done. I agreed to 10 weeks of this and that is all. I’m done” with that I grabbed my jack-

et and flung it over my shoulder, holding the cotton to my arm I pulled the arm up so I didn’t have hold it anymore and I walked out. Lydia was surprised and looked at the doctor helplessly. Shrugging she made to follow me. “Baroness?” she halted at the doctor’s entreaty, looking back at him questioningly she waited. “She must complete the treatment. It does no good if she doesn’t finish. It could come back if we didn’t get it all.” Shrugging again she said “all I can do is try.” She walked out quickly after me. Waiting impatiently at the car I tapped my foot. I was already feeling sick but the usual sick that I had become used to. I wasn’t used to waiting though as I had been driving myself at my insistence. Lydia pressed the button on her keychain and the doors unlocked. Sliding into the Porsche’s rich leather upholstery I was grateful to put on the seat belt and lean back so I could close my eyes against life. I heard without thinking about it as Lydia got in and started the engine. It was smooth and I waited for her to put it into gear. When she didn’t I opened my eyes a crack to peek over at her. She sat there looking out into

the parking lot of the clinic. I must have made some move or something and caught the corner of her eye for she turned to me. The look on her face though caused me alarm, she looked anguished. “Are you trying to kill yourself?” she asked. Surprised I blinked and shook my head. “Why would you refuse treatment?” “I’m tired Lydia, very very tired. Can we just go home?” I tried not to let the irritation enter my voice as I reclined there. I could tell she was disgusted with me, annoyed as well. Sighing deeply she put on her own seat belt and put the powerful car into gear. As we drove home she drove a little more erratically than normal. I don’t know if was the fact that she was angry or that I was a passenger but the motion of the car seemed more violent than usual and I became car sick. Fighting it the entire way home I wasn’t happy. I had to hurry to our suite and barely made it to the bathroom. Lydia followed at a slower pace but heard my retching as I bowed to the porcelain gods. I lay there afterwards my face pressed against the cool porcelain of the sink as I washed out my mouth with a rinse and then brushed my teeth. Even that made

me nauseous and I lay down on our bed breathing deeply to alleviate the feeling. She wasn’t done with me “are you planning on going to your next appointment next week?” she asked when I seemed calmer. Groaning I turned on my side away from her questions. I just wanted to be left alone until the nausea passed. Disgusted or angry, I wasn’t sure, she left me to it. Later that day I managed to stagger downstairs to join the family for dinner. I had done this as much as possible to lend some sort of normalcy to our life. I didn’t like the sympathetic looks from Elisabeth or Armanda. I ignored Lydia to a degree despite sitting next to her. I enjoyed the children though who accepted my odd bloated look and balded pate as though it were normal. Even their direct and childish questions I could answer and not sound defensive. I only wore a scarf to the table to keep my bald head warm but I knew with my pale looks I looked pathetic. I also couldn’t eat much at these meals and I knew the adults monitored everything I did eat. I hated being watched. I felt a freak at the freak show, only with the children was I able to relax my guard.

The next morning I started my routine at 5am. I started with a couple of pills and water. Twenty minutes later I was vomiting in the bathroom, washing my mouth out with mouthwash and then brushing my teeth with toothpaste. The doctor had wanted to regulate that as well but I insisted on getting rid of any germs and odor this way and wasn’t about to use a special toothpaste or rinse. It was bad enough that I vomited and had diarrhea all the time and I had the fan going full blast but I was certain some of the odors escaped and I was self-conscious about it. I didn’t want Lydia inconvenienced any more than she had been. I staggered back to the bedroom and into the living room. Heading for the bar I grabbed a white soda and a banana. A banana is bland enough to start my day and I don’t tend to throw these up. The white soda helps calm my upset stomach. Dozing on the couch I wait until the nausea has subsided before pouring a cup of chocolate milk. Some of the pills I have to take require me to take them with milk something about coating my stomach so that’s why I take the chocolate milk. I take another handful of pills. Going back to the couch I doze until I hear Lydia get up. I know Lydia has to think I am avoiding her and to a degree that is true, I’m coping, that is

all. She quietly pours herself a cup of coffee that I have made for her. I’m up and while I don’t drink coffee at least I can do is make it for her. I know I could set the machine to make it automatically for her but I feel this is the least I can do for her. There she is again dozing on the sofa. Does she do that to avoid me? She turns from me in bed as well. Doesn’t she know I want to help her? To hold her? To love her? Damn her and her independence! She looks so pathetic without her hair and with her pale skin. I want to just hold her and tell her it will be all right, but I know nothing about it, I don’t know it will be all right. She is making it worse by refusing this treatment. I don’t know how to convince her. Every overture I have made to her over the weeks has been rejected. I don’t know how to reach her; I don’t know what to say anymore. I miss her. I miss us. That next week is horrible in my mind. I keep going around in my head that the doctor wants two more weeks of this crap and then the added bonus of the radiation treatment. I already got a call as a reminder for the eleventh week of treatment; they scheduled the appointment despite my having said ‘no,’ so I have debated all

week on whether to go or not. I feel so weak, so let down, so not in the mood! Lydia tried talking to me on several occasions about it, trying to talk me into going. Doesn’t she realize how tired, how sick, and how fed up I am? I look like crap, I feel like crap, and they want me to continue for another two weeks of this treatment? If I don’t go would it really hurt my chances of recovery? If I don’t continue will it all be for naught? Will this nightmare I have been living be for nothing? Watching Lydia play with the children one night makes the decision for me. I really don’t have a choice if the doctor wants me to continue. I can’t leave these people; I want to see our children grow up. I want to see my grandchildren. If the doctor truly believes that the only way for me to ‘win’ is to continue I really don’t have a choice but to continue. I wait for a break in the play to ask Lydia “could you drive me to the doctor’s appointment tomorrow?” Surprised Lydia halts where she was with the children “what time are we going?” “The appointment is at 11, will that interfere with your work schedule?” I really have no idea anymore of time or work as I haven’t been strong enough to go into the office in weeks. The

little I have done has been brought to me on this very couch. “No, not at all” she replies. Even if it had she would have canceled everything to get Ana to this appointment. The next morning I am sick as usual but I know something feels different today. It takes me longer than usual to get going. I think the depression is settling in. I don’t want to go in the worst way. As I make my way downstairs to wait for Lydia I barely make it all the way down the stairs and finally I just sit on the bottom steps waiting with my face pressed against the curving wall of cool marble that makes up the curved stairwell. “Ana are you okay?” Elisabeth finds me there with my eyes shut. Nodding I answer without opening my eyes “just trying to fight the nausea.” “Is there anything I can do? Anything I can get you?” I can hear the concern in her voice but I really don’t want help. Shaking my head I don’t answer. I am really fighting a groan. She sits down near me on the step and asks “Ana, should I call someone?” Again I shake my head suppressing a sigh. I breathe through my nose and try for

cleansing breaths; I don’t wish to throw up here on the steps or in the foyer. Elisabeth must have sensed my reluctance. She knows of my independence but she also knows Lydia’s side of things. She has been a godsend to both of us at times but right now I wanted to wish her away. I just feel so ill today, so tired. She reached out and squeezed my hand reassuredly. Opening my eyes a bit I tried to smile wanly. I don’t want these people I love to worry about me but what choice do I have really. It’s not like I can hide what I am going through. It’s not like I can hide what I have gone through. “Elisabeth, I’m fine, really I am, and it’s just that I am so tired of all of this, I want it to be over. I thought it was last week and these extra sessions are depressing me.” Nodding she smiles “Ana, you need to do whatever it takes to beat this.” I grin “Yeah, I know, Lydia and the children are what decided it for me. I want to be there for them.” Nodding again she answers “how about yourself?” Confused for a moment I realize what she is getting at “if it were just for me, I don’t know if I would have the strength.”

She reaches around to give me a sideways hug. She is such a nice comfort. I wish my own mother were still alive. Elisabeth, having never had children of her own is a wonderful stand in. I really value her friendship. Just then Lydia walks in the front door. Seeing us sitting there she asks concerned “is everything okay?” We both nod as I slowly stand and start to wobble towards Lydia. I’m not too steady on my feet these days and I just take it all slow. Lydia puts her own arm around me and tries to help me to the car. I irrationally want to shake her off but instead allow her to unbalance me in her attempts to help. Slowly we go out to the Porsche. I am starting to hate this car of hers. It’s all in black and for some reason black makes me depressed and even more nauseous. Lydia has thoughtfully provided bags for me to throw up in should I feel the need. Putting on my seatbelt I lean back in the leather seat and sigh. Rolling down the window to provide me with fresh air Lydia starts the expensive and powerful engine and we get rolling. “Anything I can do for you?” she asks attempting to make conversation. “No, I’m fine” I lie.

She knows I am lying but like everything else she lets it roll off her back. The rest of the trip is made in silence. I have trouble getting out of the low slung sports car and finally Lydia has to help me, much to my humiliation. As we creep into the doctor’s office I can’t help but wonder if I am going to make it. The little energy I had last week is even gone. The hope I had held out for is gone. As they put me in my usual reclining chair I wait as patiently as I can for them to insert the needle. It takes three pokes today to find a vein that will take my poison. I put my head into my other hand and lean that elbow against my knee. I don’t look up as the nurse comes and goes; I’m concentrating on getting through the session. I was nauseous when I got here; this is only going to make it worse. Finally we are done and Lydia can take us home. She tries to be chatty and upbeat but I am so not in the mood. Although I occasionally answer I can tell how disappointed she is. I hope she doesn’t stop though. I hope she doesn’t give up on me. I know she has consulted with the doctor at various times about my attitude but I cannot help but feel withdrawn. As we finally get home I barely make it up the stairs to our suite. It seems

to take hours to walk that far, one step at a time, and one foot in front of the other. Lying down on the bed I have to immediately get back up to get to the bathroom. I barely make it to throw the contents of my stomach, little though it is, into the toilet. Retching and dry heaving I keep it up for a long period of time. It’s so painful and I am so tired. Finally though I can rinse out my mouth and brush my teeth. Flushing the toilet I realize I missed a little and clean that up as well. Lydia has thoughtfully put a glass of white soda and a tube of salt crackers on the table next to the bed. I start crying and can’t seem to stop as I sob. Suddenly Lydia is there and taking me in her arms. I hold her tightly as I cry out all my woes. So often I have cried and been alone, deliberately not letting those who care for me see how much this is affecting me. Now though I’m going to let it all hang out and cry my heart out. Why is today so different? I wonder that as I see how extra tired Ana seems today as I drive her to the doctor’s. I’m glad she chose to continue the treatments. She only has one more next week. She seems extra depressed. Extra tired. Extra quiet. I hope nothing more is going on. She also seems resigned to her fate in a differ-

ent way. Has she given up? I really want to know more but her one word answers do tend to put a crimp in talking to her. I know she doesn’t mean to shut everyone out, even the doctor explained this to me. It’s a self-preservation technique. I’m surprised she let me hold her though as she cried. This isn’t the first time she has cried of course but it is the first time she let me hold her as she did so. The sobs I hope release something in her. She has gotten so non-responsive to everything around her. She is a shell of the woman I knew. I love her so, I want to help and I feel so helpless around her. I want her but know she isn’t feeling attractive in the least. I have never felt so left out, so unloved. She still kisses me occasionally but physically she makes no overtures to me. The few I have made have been ignored. I want to make love to her to show her I still find her attractive and let’s be honest to release my own needs but she won’t allow me to make love to her. I ache for that but will respect her wishes. One might wonder why I don’t just go ahead and take care of that by myself but I have never been one to enjoy that when I have a partner who has taken care of my needs. She doesn’t have those needs right now; we had been warned about that. I didn’t

realize though that I would be celibate during this as well. I don’t resent it but I do regret it. Finally I am able to get my sobs under control. Lydia’s blouse is soaked with my tears. I ignore it as she helps me lay down and tucks me in. I look at her tenderly and say “I’m sorry” not realizing how sad I must sound. Startled Lydia looks at me and says “for what?” “For being sick, for being so pathetic.” I can’t keep the resentment out of my voice. “Ana, remember our vows? In sickness and in health?” she smiles at me sadly “this is just a bad time for you. I’m here for you regardless of what happens. Right now it’s rough I know, but you’re going to get better!” She hopes by insisting on that it will make it so. I guess I hadn’t thought about the ‘in sickness and in health’ part for a long while. I just felt I was such a burden on everyone. Later that day as I dozed in my bed I heard Lydia shushing the children. Gretel snuck into our bedroom and was soon snuggling up to me. These were times I cherished. She was such a cute little girl with Lydia’s beautiful ringlets in

her hair. Her face was changing though as she grew up and I think I saw more of my cousin in her face than my wife. Leisel however had straighter hair and her face was Lydia’s in miniature. Karl was a throwback to Armanda with his straight black hair. Lydia found us cuddled up together on the bed and I grinned at her as she popped her head in the bedroom. Gretel had fallen asleep with me and I held up a hand to stop Lydia from taking her to her own bed. I was able to make it downstairs for dinner that night. I don’t know if it was the good cry I had had or what but I felt well enough to eat with the family. I had to really make an effort most nights. Although I didn’t eat a lot I was able to enjoy the family and listen to the contributions. The children weren’t allowed to say a lot or they would monopolize the meal and I realized they had been taught well. Gretel even was learning her manners by being allowed at the dinner table. With four adults teaching them we didn’t need to fear that they would misbehave. I can’t get up out of bed. I’m just too weak. Lydia finds me there when it’s time to go to my last appointment. She has to help me to the bathroom for my ritual. I’m ashamed that she even has to help me clean myself up for the ap-

pointment. I’m amazed she has the strength to help lift me. She is a petite thing compared to me, but I don’t realize how much I have lost in weight mass. She helps me to dress and then to the car. I dry heave on the way to the appointment. We are late but they hook me up anyway. I feel awful, more so than normal and the doctor wants to put me in the hospital. “Ana, I think you should go to the hospital so we can leave the I.V. hookup and keep the fluids flowing into your arm.” I shake my head no and rasp “no, if I die, I want to die at home.” Lydia’s eyes bulge out as she looks helplessly at the doctor. “You’re not going to die, it would just help you stay hydrated” he answers blandly. “I am not going to go to the hospital unless I’m unconscious and can’t refuse” I firmly state. Knowing how obstinate I can be he shrugs and leaves the room. Lydia helps me to the car. Again, the dry heaves. She can’t help but hear them and I am certain it grosses her out. I’m just thankful that this was my last ‘session,’ the doctor did confirm that and he scheduled radiation to

start soon. I told him I would get back to him on that one. A few days later Lydia has to go away on a business trip. Elisabeth will help me with the children as will Armanda. I am insistent that I don’t need a nanny or a nurse. I don’t want that atmosphere around our children. They have adjusted to me being sick, they don’t need a stranger in their midst telling them what to do. I can see how regretful Lydia is that she has to go but I wave her off despite feeling like crap. The next day after Elisabeth takes the two younger children to school I get myself to the bathroom and throw all my pills into the toilet. Watching them dissolve I feel a bit of liberation. As they flush away, it takes two flushes; I cannot but help wonder that all that is over. Eating a banana I wash it down with chocolate milk before going into Gretel’s room to change her and get her going for the day. We both totter down the stairs to the breakfast room. Armanda takes over at that point and I’m grateful. I’m so damn weak. By the next day I can already tell that I should be taking something, hot flashes have begun to plague me. Although I am very weak I manage to struggle through my day. In the afternoons I have Armanda and the driver take me to

pick up the two older children in the SUV. Armanda helps me with them and then Elisabeth when she gets home. Between the three of us we can handle the three children. By the end of the week though I have horrible shakes and sweats, I think I am going through withdrawals. I think I am hiding it well from everyone. It isn’t easy to function but I start eating more normal meals at dinner, not picking at the food. My appetite increases and for that I’m thankful. I can’t sleep real well at night so I use that time to concentrate on the small amount of work that Elisabeth brings home for me. It takes me twice as long to do things that I had done before. The doctor had warned me about chemo-brain. One of those phenomena things where things are on the tip of your tongue or you know you know the answer but it isn’t quite there. Eventually you will get it. It really makes you seem ditzy and some people assume you aren’t intelligent as a result. Lydia returns the next week and I’m grateful to have another adult. The children are wearing me out. My shakes I have gotten under control but I still get the sweats now and again. I guess they are like hot flashes. I can hide those from everyone I think. I walk like an old woman now, always using a handrail when available. I’m

weak as a newborn. I can’t carry the children for any length of time and I tire easily but I’m done with the chemo and my pills! For that I can be grateful! “Ana? Where are your pills?” Lydia asks a week later. She’s looking at the counter where they lined up from end to end. Guiltily I look up from where I am laying in the tub. I’m trying to decide if my hair has started to grow back or not. I still have my eyelashes, eyebrows, and pubic hair so I am not really sure. “I threw them out” I reply blandly. “What? You need those!” she states alarmed. Shrugging I answer “I was done with them, I threw them out.” She looks at me incredulously, like I’ve lost my mind. Sometimes I feel like I have lost it but it’s somewhere nearby, I just haven’t quite reached it. “Did the doctor say you could dispose of them?” she asks. Letting the water out of the tub I stand up slowly and grab a towel. I’m not the least bit shy in front of Lydia but I am ashamed at my pale skinny body. “No he didn’t say a word.” “Did you ask him?”

I look her square in the face “No, and I’m not going to either. They are gone, I flushed them, they dissolved nicely.” With that I walked slowly out of the bathroom. Throwing off the towel after rubbing what I could reach I used it on my head as I slowly began pulling on my clothes. I moved like an old woman. My joints ached and made it hard to even pull on underwear. Socks were agony. I had to put on my bra like a kid where you latch it in front and then twist it around. I just couldn’t get my hands to work behind my back. Lydia was watching me; I could sense her anger at my attitude. She began to walk out of the bedroom. “Lydia, wait” I quietly requested. Turning she stood in the doorway. “Look, I’m done with chemo; I did everything the doctor wanted me to do. I threw the pills out because I was done; those were for the chemo portion of the program. Now I just want to get my strength back, just a little before I tackle the radiation portion. Is that too much to ask? Already the nausea is almost gone. I can eat without throwing up every five minutes or having diarrhea. I can’t tell you what a relief those two things being gone are.” I try a little smile. This is

probably the most I’ve said to her in a long time. I’m already exhausted from the bath and my little speech. “Ana, I’m sure the doctor wanted you to finish those pills.” The exasperation at my independence was back in her voice. “I’m sure he wanted me to also, but some of the prescriptions were coming up and I wasn’t about to renew any of them. I’m done!” Couldn’t she understand that? “When do you start radiation?” I could tell she was surprised that I was agreeing to do that. I had been so fed up a few weeks ago. “I don’t know yet, I want to regain some of my strength before tackling that. In a few weeks” I shrugged. “But shouldn’t you start it right away?” Again I shrugged “I don’t know, probably, but I really need some of my strength back. I need to get my head on straight a little.” She smiled. That had been one of my complaints during all this that my brain was being fried. I struggled up from the bed in my underwear and socks and went towards Lydia. I pulled her into my weak arms and just held her. I could sense her surprise. This was probably the first time in a lot of weeks that I had initialized

any affection towards her and for that I was sorry. Pulling back slightly from the hug I looked into her beautiful and healthy face “God Lydia, this has been incredibly hard. I miss you.” I tell her by way of apology. She pulls me back into her arms holding me tight. I don’t struggle. I don’t think I could struggle, I’m so weak. Although I don’t feel any arousal or sexual tension between us anymore I can feel the love but even that feels fogged in. I do miss her though. I’ve pushed her away so much and become so selfish I don’t recognize us anymore. As she pulls back I lean in for a kiss. Although I feel no desire I need to show her that I love her. We’ve had pecks for months now but not a real kiss. I immediately sense her hesitancy at what I initialize but I don’t care at the moment. I just want to show her I still love her. Better yet, “I love you Lydia” I tell her quietly and sadly. She gives me a little squeeze and I release her. She pulls back. Looking at her sleepily I realize I’m not dressed enough to go out by the children. I look down at my attire and I’m disappointed that all I see is skin and bones; she can’t possibly find that attractive. As she slips out the door I turn and decide it’s time to put some clothes on. Amazing how much time it takes to pull jeans and

a blouse on, they hang on me. Thank goodness for slip on shoes. Taking my towel into the bathroom I rub my scalp wondering if any hair has started growing yet. I don’t feel anything under my hands. Tying my scarf around my head I decided on the black one today to match my jeans and my mood. A few days later I realize I’m losing my eyebrows and eyelashes. Later in my underwear I realize the pubic hairs are falling out as well. This all depresses me even more and disgusts me. I really look like a freak now and I go nowhere anyone can see me. Lydia becomes concerned with my state of mind. I want no one to see me; I go only downstairs for dinner and spend the rest of my time up in our suite or lying in bed depressed. Calling the doctor Lydia is told this is not unexpected and after hearing that she threw out all her pills including the tranquilizers the doctor becomes concerned and encourages Lydia to get her in to see him. Nothing Lydia does though changes her mind. They fight over it and Ana ends up sleeping on the couch. She doesn’t have the strength to fight Lydia and she won’t go to see the doctor. The children realize something is

really wrong though and they begin to act up. Ana can’t stand the noise and has the servants move a few of her things to another room. This upsets everyone. “What is wrong with you? Can’t you see your upsetting the children? Why did you move in here?” Lydia rants as she finds Ana in another room lying in bed. It took her a while before one of the servants told her where to find her wife and this angered her even more. Ana never talks or consults with her anymore. “I needed the quiet. The children are being their normal selves. It’s me that is sick and need to sleep all the time.” Ana tells her quietly. “You need to see the doctor. This had been going on for weeks now. Do you really think you’re going to get your strength back by laying here rotting away?” Lydia has had it. She is going to force Ana to go see a doctor! “Go away, let me sleep. Can’t you see I don’t feel well?” Ana says wearily. Why can’t they just leave her alone! “Fine, you want to rot away and die? You do it on your own time! The children need you and you’re frightening them by your behavior! They think they did something wrong!”

“Goddammit, then you deal with them. I’ve done my share and more. It’s time for me to take care of me now! Leave me alone!” Ana shouted back weakly but with spirit and much to her amazement Lydia left slamming the door behind her. I really made a mess of things. I just want to curl up and die. I feel awful at what I said, what I’ve done but I am not sure of my welcome if I just moved back. We are still in the same house though. I still see them all at dinner. I’m making an effort to be more cheerful but it is an effort. The children’s chatter annoys me though where once I would have encouraged it and participated. Everyone is affected by my one word answers. I don’t know how to help myself and I don’t want to go back to the doctor. Laying out in the sunshine I’m surprised and annoyed by the amount of noise coming from one of the gardens. I finally pull myself up and go investigate the cause of it. On the side of one of the box trucks is a picture of a children’s play set. Lydia has contracted with them to build the children a playground. While I applaud the idea I am also hurt that she didn’t consult me with the final

plans but then perhaps I’ve pushed her away too far. As I make my way back to the Schloss I look up to realize Lydia is watching me from one of the windows. Staring at her for a moment I look down and continue shuffling my way indoors. I thought she would like that I proceeded with our plans. The children are going to be so happy at seeing what we have built for them. I remembered what Ana had said she wanted for them and adding a couple things it is still basically her ideas. She doesn’t look too happy though. I don’t know how to reach her. She looks pathetic as she walks back to the Schloss. I can tell the moment she sees me. When Ana didn’t come down for dinner Lydia goes in search of her leaving the children with Elisabeth. She finds her not in her room as she expected but in the pool house just lying there on a lounger. “Are you okay?” she asks knowing that it is a foolish question. I look up at her and shake my head “just leave me alone” I say rudely. I’m angry at her, I’m angry at me, I’m angry at the world. “No, I won’t. What is wrong?” She asks angrily.

I try to rise but feel just too damn weak. I’ve lain here too long apparently and it takes several tries to just get to a seated position. “Nothing is wrong, I’m sick, remember!?” “Yes, I’m very well aware of that. Can I help you?” she reaches to help me up and I childishly pull my arm back. Surprised Lydia steps back. I can see the hurt in her eyes. I can’t help it. I hurt too and I don’t know what to do about it. It will all take time for me to get my strength back, to get my body back, I don’t want to go to the doctor anymore and they want me to start that damn radiation treatment. I don’t know how much more I can stand. Here stands the one person who should and wants to stand by me and I’ve pushed her away. “Why do you bother?” I ask angrily as I look down at my feet. “Bother? It’s no bother, I love you, I want to help you! You don’t make it easy though do you?” The hurt is in Lydia’s voice, I can hear the pleading. Wearily I rub my hand over my eyes and feel the little prickles of my eyebrows, the few that are left and the new ones growing in. At least something is growing in. I feel so unattractive and bloated. “Why should I make it easy, I’m

sick?!” I respond angrily knowing I’m being a bitch and I just don’t care anymore. “Ana, I love you; I want to help you, why do you keep pushing me away?” Lydia changes tactics and her tone. I look up at this beautiful woman who I know loves me but I am certain she also pities me and will eventually hate me. She looks so healthy standing there, so desirable, so incredible and my heart breaks. In anger I lash out “Lydia, I think I should move out of the Schloss.” “What? Why?” she asked incredulous. “Because I don’t want you to see me like this anymore, I don’t want the children to see me like this anymore. Don’t you see it gives them nightmares to see me looking like this?” “No, they accept it because its you. They love you. If you move out now they are going to be hurt and confused” like I am “they need to know you’re going to be all right, that you’re going to be there for them.” “But I may not be all right, I may not be there for them, don’t you see it’s killing me knowing what I am doing to them” to you! I can’t keep doing this.

Lydia sits down on a nearby lounger “do you know something I don’t?” She looks sadly at me. “I know I feel awful. I know I don’t want to take the radiation treatment they want me to. I know I’m not getting better. Maybe I should take the easy way out” I indicate the pool. Lydia is horrified. She hadn’t heard Ana talk like this ever. “Ana, don’t you know I need you? I love you; I want you to try to get better!” She starts to cry. I steel myself against her tears certain she is manipulating me. My own throat is choking me at what I must do. I finally maneuver myself so I can get up off that damn lounger. “Lydia, stop it! You can’t possibly feel the same for me. For this!” I indicate my pathetic pale body. Lydia stares at me like I’ve lost my mind “you need to realize that I am in this ‘in sickness and in health’ I love you dammit and this pathetic ‘poor little me’ routine has got to stop. You need to go to the doctor and get a pill or something!” I look at her sadly and shake my head “maybe I choose the ‘or something.’” I slowly make my way out of the pool house on unsteady feet and hit my shoulder on the doors edge as I

lose my balance. Something I’ve been doing increasingly these days. The next day to escape the noise of the men building the playground and to avoid our children I begin to totter down to the barns. It’s been months since I saw the horses I once so adored. They look beautiful and I sit for a long time on a bench watching the activities around me. The grooming, the exercising, the cleaning, it all makes me nostalgic for another time when I was healthier and definitely happier. “Frau Meunier would you like me to saddle a horse for you?” one of the grooms asks. Smiling sadly I shake my head. I would love him to but I know I just don’t have the strength. In fact, I’ve sat here too long and I am not sure I can make my way back up to the Schloss. As I begin to unsteadily walk back up the drive to the Schloss I realize I should have had someone take me back. Walking is not a good idea and I’m exhausted and in a lot of pain. Ah, I see a shortcut and head that way. When I go to step over a puddle I slip on a branch near the edge of the road and I go down hard! Getting myself up was not easy and now I ache even more and am muddy. Groggily I begin to head off down the

road but I don’t realize I got on the wrong path for a ways and looking up I realize I don’t recognize where I am. I am beginning to panic and I try to retrace my steps only to realize I’m confused. Sitting down finally on the edge of the road I hope to gather my strength to make my way back to Schloss. The trees and shrubs are such that I can’t see where I am, I don’t recognize anything, the confusion actually frightens me, and this is not me. The sun pours down on me and I remember I’m not supposed to be in the sun because I can burn so easily. Scooting into the shade I realize I’m exhausted and think perhaps I should take a nap. Cold too... “What do you mean she is nowhere to be found?” I take the call from Elisabeth. “She was seen down by the stables and barns earlier but no one has seen her since” she reports concerned. “Well, didn’t anyone take her down there?” I ask exasperated. I’ve had a full work load this morning and I certainly don’t need this. “No, apparently she walked down there by herself. No one saw her leave. She is long overdue and we’ve searched the entire Schloss. Even the area’s no one goes into.” Elisabeth

wouldn’t have called Lydia except this didn’t feel right and she was panicking. Lydia too began to panic. After their awful conversation the previous night and Ana hinting that she might want to end it, not only their relationship but her life she had a lot to be concerned with. “Have you begun searching the grounds?” Elisabeth nodded as she answered “yes but you know how extensive they are, they are still looking.” “I’ll be home as soon as I can” I told her hanging up the phone. They would have to cancel her afternoon meetings but it couldn’t be helped. This was way more important. I am tempted to call the police but not yet. We don’t need to make this a major incident. The children are being taken care of by my mother but where is my wife? Grooms and gardeners are walking the grounds with me. We found where she might have fallen by a puddle. Her shoe print is very obvious. I wonder what could have possessed her to go this way? “Baroness?” one of the grooms calls as we are walking in lines through this section.

Looking up I see him indicate with a come hither wave of his hand that I should come over and I see why when we discover Ana sleeping under a tree. I am so relieved. Leaning down I shake her and call softly “Ana? Ana?” to wake her, making sure she is breathing. Coming awake slowly I am surprised to see Lydia there. I’m confused, where the hell am I? Slowly I sit up and she looks at me in alarm. I see several of the grooms and a few of the gardeners all looking at me curiously. What are they all doing here? By the position of the sun I realize it’s really quite late. “What’s going on?” I ask not realizing I’m speaking English. “That’s what I’d like to know” Lydia says gently. “Let’s get you up. Are you hurt?” I shake my head but what is going on? Lydia and one of the grooms helps me up and I realize I’m covered in debris and mud. What in the world? It’s then that I remember my panic and confusion of earlier. The sleep I had makes me feel a bit muffled but it has also refreshed me. I’m embarrassed though. “Can you walk?” Lydia asks concerned with the state of my attire. I look down as though my legs are another part of me and begin smacking the bits of

leaves and mud from my clothes. So much for being a fashion plate I laugh not realizing I laugh aloud. She is losing her mind Lydia thinks seeing how disheveled she looks and is acting. “Yes, I can walk, but not far. Are we far?” I ask remembering I couldn’t see the Schloss. Lydia turns her head to look at me and the look in her eye is sad “we are on the other side of the wall” she points to a vine covered wall I never noticed. I’m 20 feet from it and I never even saw it. Leading me carefully Lydia takes my hand down the path as the grooms and the gardeners look on “call off the search” she tells them and they disperse. “Search?” I ask getting confused again. “Yes, we’ve been searching for you for hours. I was just about to call in the police” Lydia answers. Ana is behaving very oddly. I don’t answer because I don’t really understand. Searching for me? Why? Lydia leads me in a side door and up a fairly unused staircase to avoid the main one. She leads me not to my new room but to our old suite and into the bathroom. As she begins to help me

off with my clothes I swat her hands away and say rudely “I can do that!” When I’ve soaked for a while and washed my hair I feel a whole lot better. I realize how weird this day had really been as I remember some of it and I’m very embarrassed. Wrapped in a robe I find Lydia waiting for me in our bedroom, I try not to look at the bed that holds so many fond memories but yet not that many since I became ill soon after we moved to this suite. “Where are you going?” she asks as I head for the door. “I need to get some clothes” I answer resenting her questioning me. “I can have the servants bring your clothes back in here” she answers. Shaking my head I say “no that won’t be necessary. I’ll go back to my room.” Lydia rises from the bed where she had been waiting “No, this is your room and you’re staying here. I won’t have you wander off again” she moves to block my way out of the room. I turn on her outraged for telling me what I will and will not do. “I got tired today and confused. That is all.” “Your ‘tired and confused’ caused a lot of people unnecessary anxiety. You will go to the

doctor tomorrow and you will be moving back in this room where I can keep an eye on you!” Lydia said angrily. That did it for me “how dare you try to tell me what to do? I am still an adult and while I will admit today was scary for me I will not have you tell me what I can and cannot do!” “Look, I can have you declared incapacitated by the end of business day tomorrow, do you want that?” She answered angrily. “Don’t you dare! You want me to hate you?” I asked furiously. “Don’t you already?” she asked just as angrily. Taking a deep breath I let it out slowly in a sigh. This was getting way out of hand and if I didn’t at least try to reason with Lydia I was going to get myself in a situation I didn’t want and didn’t need. “Look, I don’t hate you. I am sick, that is all. Treating me like I’m incompetent isn’t going to solve our problems. Maybe I should move out so you don’t have to worry about me!” “Why do you keep saying that? Don’t you know I want to take care of you? Why do you keep pushing me away? Don’t you know how much I worry about you? I love you dammit and you’re killing me with your attitude.”

I was suddenly so weary of it all. I sat down where I had stood and started crying. Lydia soon wrapped her arms around me and held me. “Shhh, baby, it’s okay, I love you, please don’t go, don’t cry, please baby shhh.” She petted my bald and stubbly pate and rubbed my back rocking with me. It only made me cry harder, for me, for her, for us. I didn’t like what had happened but I couldn’t seem to help it anymore. Two days later I went to see a new doctor by the name of Dr. Koontz who was to be my radiation oncologist. Lydia went with me. The first thing they did was go over my chart with me “I see you finished up with chemo a month ago, why did you wait so long to start radiation?” Dr. Koontz asked. I shrugged and then said “I wanted some time off to gather my strength.” “Have you noticed any change, do you feel stronger?” he asked. Shaking my head I then answered “no not stronger, stranger though...” “Strange? In what way?” Glancing at Lydia I answered “I seem to be getting angrier and confused. A few days ago I got lost at home.” Lydia tensed but she looked

at the doctor who glanced at her briefly. I waited for his response. “Well that can happen. You’ve had a lot of medication and a lot of chemicals through your body in a short time. We just have to be careful.” He looked again at my chart and asked “your still on the...” I interrupted with “I stopped taking all my medications.” “You did?” he looked up in alarm “you shouldn’t have. Some of them could still help you and others you should have gradually tapered off.” “I realize that now, I was pretty sick there for a while.” Remembering the withdrawals I shuddered. “I’ll bet you were. I am going to give you a couple of new prescriptions and I want you to take them until I tell you to stop. Do you want a prescription for a tranquilizer?” I glanced at Lydia before answering “yeah, you better give me one of those and make it a good strong one.” He laughed “why good and strong?” I liked his sense of humor, at least he was laughing with me and not at me.

“Because if I don’t alter my attitude I’m going to wind up divorced.” As this was the first attempt at a joke in a long time Lydia and I shared a smile. After I had changed my shirt into one of their gowns and removed all my jewelry they gave me three tattoos to pinpoint the exact location of the machine that would be giving me my weekly dose of rays. I jumped as they jabbed me with the needle after first marking the spots with a Sharpie pen, three little dots to triangulate the machine in the exact same spots every week. I didn’t feel too bad afterwards and thought just like the first time of chemo, I can handle this. With the prescriptions in hand I walked with Lydia out to her car. It was as she was driving me home that I got vertigo and asked her to just get me home as smoothly as she could. Car sickness came along for the ride. And so began my weekly trips. Lydia wouldn’t let me drive myself and if she couldn’t make it Elisabeth took me or even once Armanda in the Rolls. Although the radiation wasn’t as bad as the chemo by any stretch of the imagination I still experienced motion sickness very easily. I also wouldn’t go shopping or allow any stops. I hadn’t been to see my Aunts, Uncles, or cousins

or to any of the restaurants that we had all gone to so frequently so long ago. I didn’t want anyone to see me bald and pathetic. Ana is avoiding being intimate with me. I understood it when she was going through chemotherapy but that is long over. Her hair is even growing back; it’s like a fine down on her head and has the tiniest of pin curls. The girls love playing with it and petting her scalp. She doesn’t want me to touch her though. Although we sleep in the same bed we are miles apart and she won’t discuss it. I miss her, I miss us. The tranquilizers have helped improve my mood and I don’t snap at anyone anymore. My hair is growing back! The children have started petting it for ‘luck’ and it’s amusing. It isn’t growing fast enough for me though. I still wear my scarves and hat to hide my nearly bald scalp. I can’t help thinking between the meds I take that make me look bloated and fat and my short hairstyle I look like a butch dyke and it’s so not the look I want for my beautiful sexy wife to see. Lydia has asked if I have enough strength yet to come back to work at Werx but I am not sure yet. I still tire easy and after radiation frequently

fall asleep in the car to avoid the motion sickness. I hate being in that bed, I always feel that Lydia will come in and watch me. I know she has been patient but I just don’t feel like making love, I feel ugly and grotesque and that is not conducive to lovemaking. It’s not that I don’t desire her; she is still beautiful and sexy as hell. It’s me, I’m bloated and I look like an ox. Slowly though my stamina comes back and I agree to go back to work. At this point my hair is about an inch long and I feel well enough to not wear the scarves all the time and to discard the hat. Lydia likes the way my hair curls naturally but I complain it’s like a perm gone bad. I do feel a little better since I’m no longer bald but the swelling hasn’t gone down to my body and I feel fat. I also feel incredibly stiff and every joint in my body aches. The doctor suggests water therapy and I begin swimming in the pool several times during the week, building up my stamina, and strengthening my deteriorated muscles and joints. “Camille!” I nearly shout as I see the woman get off the elevator by my office. Running I give her a big hug which is returned wholeheartedly.

“Lydia, how are you sweetie!” she replies giving me a kiss on my cheek. “Look at you, don’t you look fine!” I smile; I haven’t seen this beautiful friend in a lot of years “where have you been hiding yourself?” I ask. “Oh you know, life gets in the way! I was passing through Germany and after Munich came down here to specifically see you. What have you been up to?” Just then Ana came down the hall carrying a folder and saw us still with our arms around each other. An eyebrow came up and she looked at me in question. Smiling I gestured her over and said “Camille, you have got to meet my wife!” Camille looked at her friend in astonishment at her announcement and then was shocked as Ana came over. She was wearing a sweater since she was always cold but it didn’t flatter her and with her short hair she looked stocky, her gate didn’t help the impression. Next to the sleek and sophisticated Lydia she looked awful. “Your wife?” Camille said aghast. Lydia smiled proudly and nodded “yes, my wife!” I could see an antagonist when I saw one. I saw the way she was assessing and dismissing

me. I knew how awful I looked especially next to my beautiful wife. None of it bothered me in the least for once. This French beauty was no match for me. “Hello, I’m Ana Meunier” I said pleasantly as I held out my hand to be shaken. I could tell instantly she could hear my American accent and dismissed me. Reluctantly, as though she would catch what I had she shook my hand. I wanted to wipe off my hand as she attempted to unobtrusively wipe off hers. “How long have you been married?” she asked in a casual, offhand way, which was in no way casual or offhand. “Several years now” Lydia smiled at me proudly. I could see the horror on the Frenchwoman’s face that she was trying to hide. “Marriage! Who would have thought it of Lydia Von Horn!” she tried to say playfully. Lydia had her arm around me and I don’t know why but I casually said “you should see our children!” Camille was absolutely astounded. The Lydia she knew and loved was a jet setting party loving woman and certainly not a dyke loving hausfrau. What had happened to her? But her to be married to this, this, this American! She could

only assume it was because the woman had children, she certainly wasn’t anything to look at! Lydia put in “you should come to the Schloss and have dinner; everyone would love to see you again.” She smiled enthused not noticing that neither Ana nor Camille was thrilled with the idea. “That would be nice, is Lars at the Schloss?” she asked coyly. She always did have a crush on that handsome devil. This then is another reason for me not to like her I think. Lydia answered “no, Lars is no longer a member of this family and I don’t know where he lives now.” Camille was surprised. Lars was due to inherit the family fortune, she was sure he was interested in her. It was one of the reasons she had come for a visit. “What happened?” she asked in surprise. Lydia shrugged “it’s a long story and better left unsaid.” Changing the subject she asked “are you going to come for dinner or would you like to eat out?” They decided to have dinner at the Schloss.

As I got ready for dinner that evening I couldn’t help but look at myself in the mirror. For the first time I assessed my cancer stricken looks and found nothing flattering. From the incredibly short hair with the ugly tight curls to the pale pale skin, I looked very ill. My ego was at a low time ebb. I knew that Lydia loved me but I couldn’t help but remember the months of keeping her at arm’s length. I wanted her, I needed her, but how could I make it known after the way I had treated her for so long? And this Camille, she had all my warning signals sounding. She was attractive, she was French, and she had a history with Lydia from long ago. On the other hand, I was married to Lydia, she had loved me and married me, and I was the mother of her children. Who was I fooling? As I looked in the mirror I realized how insecure I really was feeling. Lydia had made no indication that she wanted to get rid of me, she had stuck by me despite my attitude and illness. My insecurity though said that she felt sorry for me and could do better. “You okay?” I heard her beautiful voice from the doorway as I sat at the make-up table assessing myself. I glanced up in the mirror and was struck dumb by my beautiful wife. The tears I had been holding at bay pooled up in my eyes

seeing her there. I wanted to bridge the gap between us but I wasn’t certain how. I knew I was jealous of Camille but why? Nothing indicated she was a threat. It was instinctual I guess. At my tears Lydia came hesitantly across the room. “What’s the matter?” she looked at me in the mirror but made no effort to touch me. Touch me! I screamed silently but couldn’t voice it as I looked at her tiredly. I glanced again at my bloated image and mentally sighed at whatever beauty I had once had. I felt so gross, so fat, so disgusting; I so wanted to feel like a woman again. I shook my head at her inquiry. I couldn’t voice my doubts, my insecurities. There she goes again shutting me out, thought Lydia. Can’t she see past what the cancer and cure has done to her? I still see those amazing eyes and the love occasionally that shines in them for me. I miss her, I miss us. I don’t know how to reach her though. Hesitantly I reach out and touch her shoulder. She doesn’t flinch away and encouraged I put my whole hand on her shoulder; she is amazingly cold to the touch. She’s touching me! It feels fantastic. I can’t seem to move as though she has frozen me to the chair. I whirl around suddenly in the chair though and wrap my arms around her waist to

hug her close. As I am sitting and she is standing my face is directly in her stomach below her breasts. Lydia was startled to feel Ana spin around and capture her. She returned the hug wholeheartedly. She was so grateful for the touch. I can’t help myself, she feels so good and I feel so bad, I begin to sob. Lydia bends down and pulls Ana fully into her arms shushing her and comforting her as she would one of the children. “Baby, what’s wrong? Are you hurt?” I shake my head as I sob against her. It’s been building for a long time, this feeling of selfpity. Feeling Lydia against me I am crying for the time we’ve lost, for the illness that has taken away whatever beauty I had, for the distance between us. I love this woman and I’ve caused us so much pain. Lydia held her for a long time just relishing the feel of Ana in her arms. There had been many nights where she left a light on just so she could watch Ana breath, grateful she was breathing, sorry for the horrible medicine that was coursing through her veins and hopefully curing her. She had wanted to comfort her, had wanted to hold her, but Ana had been so with-

drawn, so angry, so hurt and in so much pain. All she could do was be there for her when she was ready. She hoped fervently that this was her being ready to accept Lydia’s love and let her help her. “I’m sorry, I’ve soaked your dress” Ana sniffed as she pulled slightly back and surveyed the damage her tears had caused. “It’s okay, I’ve others” Lydia smiled down at her. “Care to share what brought this on?” she asked tenderly wiping the tears from Ana’s face and smiling into it. Ana shook her head slightly “I guess it’s been building for a long time, it just had to come out sometime.” She looked a little embarrassed as she glanced down and then back up at those amazing eyes she loved so much. “I’m glad you were here” she said simply. Lydia smiled, her heart felt so good at having Ana in her arms. She leaned in and kissed Ana on the lips for the first time in so very long “I’m glad I was here too” she said quietly and hugged Ana close. Camille was amazed to see Lydia Von Horn playing ‘mommy’ to a bunch of snot nosed kids. She watched as Lydia spoke to them, encouraging them to talk at the dinner table with the adults, and indulged them. Ana though was

apparently the disciplinarian when they got out of hand. They were obviously Lydia’s children as they all looked like her to a degree and yet there was something that made Camille wonder if perhaps she were mistaken, something of Ana in them. It intrigued her; she wondered who had fathered these children? Camille enjoyed dinner but only because she was convinced her presence made the unattractive hausfrau Ana uncomfortable. She had taken care with her outfit and was stylishly dressed in one of her countries latest fashions and looked impeccable. Lydia had exclaimed over it and they had excitedly discussed the designer, something Lydia obviously knew about and Ana not at all. Elisabeth had joined in the conversation and Camille and she were soon laughing over incidents from years ago. Camille seemed to relish rubbing in the fact that she had known Lydia for years. Ana ignored her little barbs and concentrated on the children; this had the effect of drawing Lydia’s attention away from Camille and had her concentrating not only on Ana but on the children. Camille was relieved when they were escorted by servants and Ana from the table and taken to play. She had Lydia, Elisabeth, and Armanda’s

undivided attention and regaled them with tales of her travels. They retired to the living room and Ana joined them as she whispered something in Lydia’s ear. “Excuse me Camille; I must say good night to the children, I will return shortly.” Camille was astonished that Lydia would leave her like this, this wasn’t the Lydia she had known and enjoyed in their youth, her eyes narrowed slightly as Ana sat down to join them. This Ana, this ugly woman was the cause of difference she sensed in Lydia. The Lydia she had known would have been out partying, enjoying the clubs, enjoying her! How in the world could Lydia have chosen this unattractive American when she had the choicest of women in all the best clubs in Europe? Camille couldn’t understand, she chose not to. Although they had explained that Ana was recovering from cancer, Camille simply didn’t care, she saw Ana as a threat to the fun that she and Lydia had enjoyed and would be enjoying if she wasn’t stuck with the pale faced American and their snot nosed kids. Ana realized that Camille was more than ‘just a friend’ or at least she had been to Lydia once. She wasn’t stupid, she wasn’t obtuse, and

she was tired though from a day at work and the fatigue showed on her face and in her countenance. She walked like a very old woman, she had to hold on to things to keep her balance, and her face was pale and drawn and not just from the radiation treatments. Her body was overcoming a tremendous amount of poisons that had been put through it. She trusted Lydia though, she did not however trust this Camille who looked at her with such derision, such disgust when she thought no one could see her. Lydia was aware to a degree of how Camille felt but it didn’t faze her. She knew what Ana was really like; she knew that she was making an effort for her. She could see how tired Ana was and would normally have suggested they go up to their apartments so Ana could go to bed but they did have a guest who made no attempt to leave, she was too busy regaling them with her life and what she was doing in it, one big party. Lydia wasn’t the same person she had been years ago. Having Ana in her life and the children was what she wanted, had wanted for a long time. People like Camille were long in the past and seeing her, while it brought up pleasant memories, also made her sad that Camille hadn’t grown

up and found some happiness of her own. She wasn’t interested in the same things anymore. I’m feeling awful but I refuse to let this French woman intimidate me from my own home. I am the one married to Lydia, not she. I am the one Lydia chose. I can see the annoyance in her at my presence. Normally, I would have gone to bed at the same time as the children but tonight I think I’ll stay up with our company, even if it kills me. It just might with the looks she has been sending me, I want to laugh, but unfortunately I agree with the looks, the disgust is apparent. How in the world could Lydia choose me, I can read it plain as the nose on her elegant face. If she only knew that looks can fade, that life can send you a curve ball, that chemicals can make you feel haggard, your body to ache so much it brings tears, that the love of your family is the only thing that keeps you going day by day. I don’t think this Camille could understand that. While I may have been vain to a degree, I knew without a doubt that she wouldn’t have been able to cope with the loss of her looks. Over the next couple of weeks Camille flitted in and out of their lives. Ana chose to ig-

nore her for the most part. She kept having to reassure herself that she trusted Lydia and there was nothing going on with the two of them but she had her doubts nibbling away at her confidence in their relationship. Camille went to lunch with Elisabeth as well as Lydia repeatedly, making sure whenever she saw Ana that she stressed that she had been in their lives in the past, as though that made a difference in the present. What seemed to infuriate her though was that the American didn’t seem to care one way or the other; she got no rise out of her it was as if she just didn’t care. What Camille failed to understand was that Ana just DIDN’T care as she had to be fairly self-absorbed with her own life, her own health. She trusted Lydia, knew that this woman was part of her past and was enjoying her visit for the most part; she could tell some of Camille’s behavior annoyed Lydia actually. She knew she could play games too and Lydia would have come running to help her, accommodate her and her health, but Ana wasn’t like that, she didn’t play games, she was too busy just trying to cope with her illness and Lydia loved her enough that she didn’t have to ply her wiles, play the sick card to get her attention. As she finished up her radiation treatments she was grateful that they were coming to

an end, she felt awful, not quite as bad as she had at the end of chemo, but enough that it made her feel cranky, haggard, and old. Seeing the two beautiful women together she could admire them aesthetically but it didn’t keep her from hating the sexy brunette from France and wishing she would go home. She was afraid that she was going to stay for the holidays as they approached. “You should go out more” Camille was sitting in Lydia’s office with her leg carelessly thrown over the arm of a chair, swinging it nonchallantly, hoping to capture Lydia’s attention. Camille did have Lydia’s attention although she hid it well, she was aware of what her friend was trying to do. In the weeks she had been here she had fended off several passes thrown her way. She would stay faithful to Ana if it killed her, it just might as the sexy brunette’s slim leg caught her eye and she determinedly looked down at her ledgers on her desk. “I don’t have time, I have a family now, and things have changed” she tried to explain to her party loving friend. “Well, can’t your wife watch them while we go out some night?” she said with a hint of derision in her voice. She was sick of this, she had

been out a couple of times by herself but it was definitely more fun with a friend, she wanted that friend to be Lydia, like in the old days. It’s not like the woman did anything, the few times she had seen her in the office she just shuffled along like an old fart, the few times at the Schloss she just sat there looking pathetic. “My wife does a hell of a lot when she can” Lydia defended her having heard her friend’s tone. “Well, shouldn’t they have nannies or an au par or something?” Camille threw out there waving her hand dramatically, referring to the children. Lydia looked up, she was kind of sick of this particular conversation; they had had it a number of times. “Camille, I know you find it hard to believe but I enjoy staying home with my family and my wife isn’t a servant to watch the children when I’m not there to do so. She is recovering from a serious illness. When she feels up to it, we will go out again but I don’t think it will be that important to us, the children are more important to both of us. If you’re bored, maybe you should move on.”

Camille was astonished, she had offered herself numerous times to this woman and in the past it would have been accepted matter of factly, that she was refusing now was beyond her belief, especially for that woman. She couldn’t imagine her friend being abstinent or making love to that bloated fish that was her wife. She had never bothered to look at their wedding pictures; she had never seen what Ana looked like before her illness. She assumed the children were some kind of draw to her friend, but the thought that Lydia had them from her own body was beyond her comprehension. “I should move on, we are all going skiing in Switzerland, you should come, and everyone will be there” she enticed, ignoring what Lydia had told her about her family. Lydia looked up and smiled remembering other trips, other times she had gone and enjoyed her friends. “God, remember Gstad?” she started to laugh as they shared memories. This was the Lydia that Camille remembered, the fun loving hedonist that wasn’t working every day that had time to have fun, not the woman who went home to a pasty faced bitch who entrapped her with children. She encouraged Lydia remembering story after story and she

knew quite a few. They were laughing over incidents from years ago when Ana walked in without bothering to knock. “Oh hi” she said sleepily, it had been a hard day for her and she painfully made her way across the floor to Lydia’s desk with a pile of folders. “Hi liebling, are you okay?” Lydia asked concerned seeing how tired she looked. “Yeah, I’m going home now” Ana told her with a wan smile. “Someone driving you?” Lydia asked concerned. “Your mother came into town with Gretel, we’re going home together” Ana answered. Lydia got up to come around her desk and take her wife into her arms “I’ll see you later then” and gave her a hug and a kiss. Ana returned it but it didn’t have the force it used to, she just didn’t have the strength. She hadn’t said anything to Camille but before she reached the door Camille spoke up. “Would you mind if Lydia and I went out this evening? I’m leaving shortly and it’s sort of a goodbye.” Ana looked from Camille whose face wore a challenge to Lydia’s which showed sur-

prise at her friend’s request. Glancing back at Camille she said “Lydia is a big girl, I don’t make her decisions for her” before she left the office. “You see, she wouldn’t mind, we should go” Camille said with delight. Lydia looked at her friend incredulously “I am not going out tonight, I am going home to my wife and children, I’m sorry if you thought otherwise but that was an inappropriate question to have asked her. She’s ill if you can’t see that for yourself. My place is with her!” “She doesn’t mind, you can see that” Camille said in surprise gesturing towards the closed door. “She’s right, she doesn’t make my decisions for me, and my decision is to go home to her” Lydia said firmly. God, Camille was being obtuse. Camille left a few days later shaking her head going on to Berlin to see if she could find some fun there. Anyone she ran into she told about how Ana had Lydia wrapped around her sickly little finger and how changed Lydia had become.

“I’m surprised to see you here” I said as I saw Lydia lay down her briefcase on the desk in our sitting room. “Why, I live here?” Lydia said with a smile. I laughed at her joke “I thought you were going out with Camille?” Lydia rolled her eyes as she shook her head “I don’t want to go out with Camille, that woman is driving me nuts, I can’t get it through her thick head that I want to come home to my family, to you.” She said the last part gently looking at my face, gauging my reaction. I smiled slightly but wasn’t sure as I looked down at my hands “she’s very beautiful.” Lydia walked over and sat at the end of the couch “she’s also very selfish and selfcentered and at one time I was like that too and would have gone with her but I don’t want her, I want you.” I looked over at the pretty Baroness that was my wife. My eyes narrowed slightly, looking for some sort of pity, derision, or some hint that she wasn’t being truthful. “Why?” I said incredulous. It was like being offered filet mignon versus white fish.

“Because you stubborn woman I love you, she can’t hold a candle to you” Lydia said gently as she lifted my legs and put them on her lap. “Give me a break, she’s beautiful, I look awful these days” I scoffed. “Yes, you could look better” she teased with her delightful little grin “but your heart;” here she touched my chest gently “makes you beautiful inside and out. I know you, I know what you’re capable out, who you are, and I love you, not that selfish little nothing that claims to be my friend.” This was probably one of the closest moments we had had in months and I was appreciating it. It made my eyes tear up. “I used to be beautiful” I said as the tears formed. “You still are, physically you will be again, let’s just wait and see okay? You’re here now, you’re alive, and we have the time.” She grinned as she leaned in to give me a sweet kiss. “Are you sure you wouldn’t rather go off with Camille?” I stupidly had to ask to be sure. She sighed broadly “yes I’m sure I don’t want to be with her” she said in a tired voice.

“Good, cause I’d have to hunt you down” I threatened in a mock severe tone as I scooted farther onto her lap and kissed her. “You would, would you?” she asked with a grin, delighted that I was in her lap; it had been a long time since we had been like this. She wrapped her arms around me and held me close, for the moment both of us were content. It seemed like that evening was a turning point. I finished radiation before the holidays. I wasn’t strong enough to help cut down the Christmas tree that year but I encouraged the children and Lydia as they hauled it to the Suburban. I guess we didn’t realize how strong I had been a year ago when we put it on the Suburban, watching Lydia and the kids try and get it up there was hilarious. I couldn’t do anything other than offer advice, I just was too weak and the wrapped tree was lucky it didn’t end up on the road after their getting it up on the luggage rack and tying it down. Lydia had a million knots in the ties and we had to cut them with a knife when we got back to the Schloss. It created new and hilarious memories for all of us. “I’m so grateful you’re here to share this with us” Lydia told me that night as we sat on the

couch in front of the fireplace after the children had gone to bed. “It’s been a rough couple of years” I commented idly as she held me in her arms. “Perhaps things will be better in the coming years, God knows we’ve had a few rough ones, maybe now it will be easier” Lydia said optimistically. We both remembered the trials with Lars, hiding, and now cancer. “I’m so glad all that is over” I referred to the chemo and radiation treatments. Now I had to go in every two weeks, eventually once a month, and eventually once every six months for checkups. I’d like it someday when I didn’t need to go at all. “I have to tell you if it weren’t for you and the children I would have let the disease take me.” I felt her almost flinch, her arms flexing as they held me. “I don’t know if I would fight again if it comes back.” “Baby, don’t talk like that, please don’t” she buried her nose in my neck; I could feel it against the hairless skin. “I don’t want to think what it would be like without you” she almost pleaded. I hugged her arms to me tighter “let’s not talk or think about it anymore” I placated her.

She knew I was serious though. I wouldn’t fight again. Christmas was wonderful again. The children were all a year older and would remember more. I still creaked and groan my way through my days. Water therapy was helping but not fast enough for me. I wanted to be back to normal! Even on Christmas morning I was unbalanced and nearly fell into the tree. The doctor recommended I get a cane to help me with my balance. On Christmas morning, under the tree there was a hand carved wooden cane with a picture of a witch carved into its handle, it made me laugh but it also made me feel ancient as I hobbled around with it. Lydia tried to convince me it made me look prestigious. It did help me from falling down as often, which relieved everyone since I could tell when I was going to fall but do nothing to prevent it, I wasn’t strong enough. The cane however kept me from toppling over and for that I was grateful. I longed to go with the kids and Lydia as they went sledding. “I wish you could go too, I can’t keep up with all of them!” Lydia told me with a smile when she returned looking happy and healthy, rosy cheeked and alive! I felt awful

missing out on all the fun as I watched my little family come back out of breath and looking beautiful. The snow kept me home more often than I would like. No one had driven my BMW since it had been repaired. I’d been too ill, and everyone else had their own vehicles. One day when I was stuck at home I had it brought out for me and I hobbled to it and tucked myself into it. It purred but then I didn’t expect anything less. Despite not being used they would have kept it up for me. I drove it hesitantly around the Schloss and its innumerable roads that had been plowed. I felt up to driving further but didn’t want to find myself exhausted from the endeavor. I didn’t tell Lydia but I felt foolish about it when Gretel in all innocence told her that mommy had been out driving that day. The traitor! I hadn’t taken her and she told on me! “Where did you go?” Lydia said coldly. “Just around the Chateau, practicing, getting the feel for it again” I said lamely, feeling uncomfortable, like I had done something wrong. Back to being 15, underage, and taking the family car out without permission. “What if you had an accident?” she said angrily.

I looked up and laughed at her “where? I was on the grounds the whole time, I had my cell with me if I got in trouble, I thought you said the car was mine?” Lydia looked angry and then she saw me laughing at her and calmed down, that car had been a tease since day one. I wouldn’t let her put it in my name, but no one else had ever used it, it was referred to as mine, and I was right, I’d stayed on the grounds and nothing and no one had gotten hurt. “Please, just take it easy for a little while yet” she pleaded. I knew then that she was okay with it. She wasn’t happy about it but I was right. I was taking things one step at a time as it were. It wasn’t easy after getting used to having someone drive me. The day I felt up to driving to my Aunt’s was a real goal for me. From there the next one was to drive to Werx on my own. I have to admit I was exhausted but exhilarated at my accomplishment. Driving home was awful, I was so tired but I wouldn’t admit to that. I could drive myself to my appointments now although Lydia insisted on going to any with my oncologist. We were lucky so far, it appeared the tumors had shrunk from the radiation and no new cells were growing from the

chemo. Technically I was cured if I made it to the five year mark. That spring I could drive myself almost anywhere. I still only worked part time at Werx and still oversaw things at the Schloss. The people they had hired were very good and I couldn’t and wouldn’t replace them. Instead using their talents we expanded what our teams did. The Schloss had more tours than ever; new brochures that enticed people into coming for the tours and the history, the bookings were constant. Werx was looking as good as ever and the PR department promoted every division now. I could be proud of what I had started, what my wife had continued, and that I was able to come back to it and expand it. I felt a lot better that spring than I had the previous one. My hair was finally really growing. My eyebrows, my lashes, my hair all over my body had grown back in. The head hair was in ringlets that I brushed out daily. About four inches long it was actually kind of cute but I hated it and hoped the length and the weight that would take out the ringlets would come back. I was just relieved it came in as thick as it had been before chemo, if not thicker. I know my wife ap-

preciated it as she ran her fingers through it. We had resumed our lovemaking after the first of the year, I had still felt gross and ugly but both of our needs had come first. We learned more about each other and as time went by my looks weren’t as important to me. What I didn’t realize though was from swimming a couple of times a week I was gaining stamina; I was losing the bloated look too. I was becoming toned and Lydia appreciated the feel of the muscles that were coming in as she caressed over my still pale body. “When are you coming for a visit?” my son’s complained. They had been very supportive in my cancer fight, staying in constant contact and spreading the word to everyone but once I started looking sick I had refused to let them come over, I certainly couldn’t go there. “We are trying to work out something here at the Schloss, maybe by summer” I offered. Alex though made sure we would visit that summer, he proposed to his girlfriend and she accepted. I really didn’t want to go. I was used to the sheltering of my little world that I had made for myself, not many people outside of it had seen what I looked like without my long tresses or thinner body. “You worry too much” Lydia told me.

“I’m still bloated” I answered her. “But less than last fall, who knows by summer what you will look like” she consoled me. I love the way she looks Lydia thought to herself. Nothing she said though changed Ana’s mind. She still had it in her head that she looked like the bloated cold fish she called herself from last fall. The bloating was down considerably. Her hair on her head looked cute; it was so curly in ringlets. She fought it daily. It was only March, who knew what it would look like in June when her son’s wedding was. Lydia was so grateful thought that she was feeling better. She still walked with a cane for balance but physically she was a LOT better, mentally she had changed 150%. Lydia was just so grateful to have her here, to have her alive, to know that they might have a future together. She had never been so terrified in all her life of losing someone, not even when Lars threatened her children, cancer had attacked from within and there was nothing Lydia could do to help Ana but be there for her, support her when she let her, love her.

“I’m gonna get you” Ana said as she chased Gretel around the couch in the living room. Or rather Gretel ran around it and Ana lunged from one end of the couch to the other, never actually getting up as the little almost 3 year old ran and giggled in circles around it. Lydia laughed as she came in from one of the bedrooms to watch. The other two were in their bedrooms playing at games; Karl actually had a friend over from his first grade class that he was playing with, she could hear them as it got a little out of hand. She glanced at her watch; the other parent was due to pick her son up in a little while. She avoided the zooming little girl who was playing with her mommy and went to tell their son that it was time for his friend to get ready to go. It was times like this that Lydia cherished, they were all healthy and alive, and they were a family. I worried as June approached that I wouldn’t have the stamina for such a trip. Just packing for the trip was a feat. We had the three children as well as Lydia and myself to pack for. I wasn’t sure of things but with Lydia beside me I felt a lot more confident than I had eight months ago. The last time I had flown had been on the re-

turn trip from California. I hadn’t seen my sons in two years and I looked forward to it, but I knew I had changed, a lot. The children knew of their older brothers of course, I talked about them, the older two vaguely remembered them but the pictures I had scattered around our apartments helped bring them into their lives, but they really didn’t know them. Lydia and I both had admonished them to behave time and again as we got ready to go, they were all so excited to be traveling, flying, and seeing their older brothers. Traveling with children that young, all under the age of ten I firmly believe that parents deserve a medal for the attempt. Having to keep them occupied, take naps, eat, poop, everything is vexing. My own fatigue wasn’t that bad and Lydia and I kept after them. Her stamina was greater than mine and she had learned a lot in the last year since we had returned home, especially with my illness, she had had to learn, she had been their full parent while I battled through. We were together in this now and I wondered what the future held.

I don’t know what the family thought I’d look like when I arrived for the wedding. My son and his fiancée had arranged everything. I had given him enough funds to pay for his fair share of things but had really done nothing to help in the actual wedding. I think they all thought I had to be held with kid gloves, after all I had cancer! The stylish woman who walked into the church with her cane for practice the night before the wedding was not the cancer victim they expected. I had tamed my ringlets into something stylish and I was wearing some of my better clothes, although they fit a bit different than they had in years prior to being ill. They no longer hung on my body but they weren’t tight either, just different. “We need to shop again” Lydia had threatened, my clothes were out of date according to her. I laughed; at least I was here to wear them! She was just looking, aching really, for a chance to go shopping like in days of old. “Mom” Alex greeted me and everyone turned to look at me in surprise. The cane was really the only real difference in my mind but I guess I didn’t realize I’d changed. Not just the hairstyle with my long hair gone, but the shape

of my face was different. I could wear make-up again and I felt prettier than I had in the past months, but they hadn’t seen me in years so the change was a bit traumatic. I got hugs and greetings from all my family members, Lydia too. We introduced the children to their uncles, aunts, and cousins. Their brothers and ‘sisters’ were equally happy to meet them again and it was a lively group as they practiced that evening in the church. I looked around at St. Matthews, remembering when I had gone to school here years ago, proud that my own sons had gone as well and my youngest, let me correct that as I caught a glimpse of Gretel, my youngest son from my first marriage was marrying in this church too. As I sat in my pew watching the proceedings, listening to the minister, I had great memories of this beautiful church with its huge stained glass windows, it’s red carpeting, it’s matching cushions on the pews and I answered questions from my new generation of children, realizing that I didn’t hesitate to think of these three children as mine, mine and Lydia’s. You would have thought I would feel odd, I had two adult sons, one of whom was getting married and sitting next to me were three young children that were also

mine and just starting out in life. It was a surreal moment. The wedding the next day was absolutely beautiful. Alex looked tall and proud as he watched his bride walk down the aisle. His little brother and sisters again being used as ring bearer and flower girls looked wonderful. This time Lydia got to feel the joy I had felt two years earlier in Calvin’s wedding seeing them perform the same duties. Now the older two felt older and wiser and their little sister walked along with them in awe of the crowd. Lydia and I looked on proudly as they performed flawlessly. I saw a few cousins I hadn’t seen in years at the wedding. Some had never met my own wife and I proudly introduced Lydia and my children. Although they had heard of my same-sex marriage it seemed to still startle a few people but I ignored their looks and fortunately no one said anything but I could sense some disapproval in their narrow Midwestern way of thinking. Others were thrilled to meet a genuine Baroness and I laughed at them secretly for their awe. Lydia and I had a delightful time at my son’s wedding. “Can we stop in New York and buy you some new clothes?” Lydia pleaded. “Everything

you own is three years old” she lamented as though it were a crime. I didn’t know if I was up to a shopping trip with the Lydia and I told her so. I was exhausted from the wedding. What would we do with the children? Lydia had it all arranged, she hired one of our German stewards to watch the children during the day as she dragged me from store to store and bought me a whole new wardrobe. I let her, I needed some of it but it was easier to let her have her way, she was having a ball anyway. I must be getting my stamina back faster than I had thought as I was able to keep up for the most part. I was exhausted and still able to go out a few evenings with my beautiful wife, but we didn’t go to clubs, just out to dinner and I enjoyed it immensely, just her and me and knowing the children were in safe, familiar hands let us go with a clear conscience. I was so glad to get back home. Having the officials come on our private jet to check our baggage was so outrageous but I think I’ve become used to seeing these accommodations for the Baroness. The children had no idea what going through a regular airport was like if this was the kind of treatment we got, although when we

arrived in Milwaukee we had to go through customs like everyone else. Maybe there was hope for them to realize the real world was different. It was a far cry from traveling by train around Germany that we had done after we first met. That July though I had my first real victory, or so I felt, it wasn’t the doctor telling me I could come back once a year for checkups, that my cancer appeared to be in remission, it was that Camille came again for a visit. She didn’t see me, but I saw her at Werx. I turned around and hurried back to my office, I knew I looked a hell of a lot different from the previous fall when she had seen me last. The bloating was mostly gone, my hair had grown, yes I had to use a cane but I looked good, I felt good, and I was more than a match for the Frenchwoman! Using the inter office phone system I called my beautiful and sexy wife. “Hello?” she answered surprised at seeing my extension. “Hi, hey I thought is saw Camille?” I pretended. Grinning she knew me so well, she knew of my jealousy of last fall, how terrible I had felt around the beautiful and striking Frenchwoman, how awful I had felt I looked, she also knew I

wanted revenge, nothing harmful, just a moment to show up the woman. “Yes, she’s here now?” “Oh good” I said sugary sweet, I couldn’t care less if I never saw her again but I had this moment, this revenge I wanted enacted, I’d planned “invite her out to the club tonight” I added. “The club, tonight?” she repeated to be sure that Camille heard. Camille looked up in surprise, she had returned from visiting friends in Europe, she was heading back to France, and everyone had changed apparently. What she didn’t realize was that everyone had grown up and moved on and she hadn’t yet. She had hoped that she had judged Lydia wrong and she would be more willing to play now that she had months to think about it. She smiled brilliantly at the suggestion and nodded enthusiastically. This was more like it! Now they could have some fun. That night as Lydia and I got dressed to go out, the children sat on our bed and watched as their mommies got dressed up. The clothes were new, from New York and the girls liked how nice we looked and asked questions. Karl pretended he didn’t care but I could tell he did. It was a good thing I had raised boys before, had been a

tom boy myself growing up, I gave this boy of ours plenty of time to be a boy in a crowd full of women, from his mommies to his sisters to his Oma and Tante, he was surrounded by women but I made sure to build forts with him, played army and cowboy, let him be a boy. He was a well-rounded young man and showed such potential. He was probably more considerate being surrounded by females though than the average boy. We carefully monitored his friends and he enjoyed a lot of male and a few girls as well much to his friends disgust. He stood up to them no problem so we had no worries about him. “Why do you have to go out with her?” Karl asked as we dressed in our finery. “She’s a friend of mine from a while ago” Lydia answered as she put in earrings. “I couldn’t go out last fall with her and Mutti so we are going out tonight” I put in for good measure exchanging a look with Lydia, she smiled without moving her lips, the look in her eyes was for me, they were dancing, she knew what I was up to. “How do I look” we said to the kids before we went out.

Pretty, nice, and beautiful were the replies, we accepted them graciously as our children escorted us downstairs to be handed off to Oma and Tante. “Don’t you two look wonderful” Elisabeth told us. “You look very nice” Francesca offered. That was a lot coming from this woman, she had changed a lot since we had returned home a year ago, and before that, she had realized how evil her son had really become. She was determined not to make that mistake again in anyone and her grandchildren she doted on; she realized the trust we had in her now since we were leaving them with her and Elisabeth. Walking into the club was a lot different than the years ago when I had partied here with Rich and Peter. They were both long gone, I hadn’t seen either of them in years. Rich had stayed in the military much to his parent’s dismay but he excelled in it and was making good of his life. He showed no interest in seeing his offspring, he just liked knowing they were happy and healthy. Peter I don’t know what had happened to this friend of Rich’s. The crowd seemed the same in the club but I didn’t recog-

nize any of the faces. Lydia and I didn’t have to stand in line and I heard gripes behind us in the long line that snaked down the sidewalk. “That’s the owner” the guard at the door hissed to one particularly aggressive complainer. That was something I had learned years ago, Lydia owned this club, she had nothing to do with the day to day operation of it but she did own it. It was part of the vast Von Horn holdings but such a minute part of it. I had made up brochures and promoted it into even more than it had ever hoped to be, it was larger than when I had partied here years ago, I had convinced the board to expand it. It was an absolute rip off of 70’s style from New York City and yet had a feel of its own. We walked up to the bar and got drinks. Lydia didn’t visit often but both of us were known, I because I had kept it from being closed and expanded it, she because she owned it. Our names were quickly whispered to all the employees so we got preferential treatment. “Wonder where Camille is?” I asked above the music as we sipped beer, they kept a supply of Corona’s, not just for me, but for the international clientele they now catered to. “Anxious to see her?” Lydia asked amused.

I smiled back at her, she knew why I had asked for this night out, we were going to have fun, but I looked and felt a hell of a lot better than I had 9 months ago. I had a confidence despite the cane. I looked wonderful in my own way and would continue to look better despite my age, despite the cancer that had nearly robbed my life. I took my wife into my arms and said in a normal voice in her ear “you know, it scares me sometimes how well you know me.” As I pulled back slightly I caught the smile on her face, she was showing me off as well! Camille was late, but apparently that was normal for her. We got separated by the crowd and by the time her friend showed up I wasn’t thinking about her anymore. I was dancing with a group of people that were a lot of fun. They were all nearly 20 years younger than me and my cane had made an impression, alongside the leg of one of my more aggressive admirers. I had tried being polite, telling him I was married, pointing out my Frau, but a good sharp slap of the cane up the inside of his thigh had given him a good idea that I was serious and just having fun, not interested in a one night stand with him, it’s alarming vicinity to his genitals got his attention. As a result of my efforts I was slightly sweaty but looking good

with red cheeks, a sparkle in my eye, and breathing hard when I walked up leaning on my cane. Camille’s back was to me and I heard Lydia go “there she is” as a song came to the end. Camille turned around to a most astonishing sight. No longer the pale, cold looking pasty fish, instead a spitfire with red brown hair to her shoulders, beautifully curled, with makeup around her flashing green eyes, my color was high from my exertions and my lipstick was still on my lips but less than when I’d applied it since I’d drank a couple of beers with my wife. She was shocked at the sight of me in the black and white checkered dress cut deep in my bosom, cut above my knees, and the red belt holding it in at my waist. This now was a totally different Frau from the one she had sneered at last fall; this was more than a match for Lydia’s affections. If she didn’t detest me so she might have actually felt an attraction for me. I saw all the confusion in her eyes in an instant before I glanced at the humorous look of my wife over her shoulder. “Ana?” she said incredulously at me. I smiled in return. “Camille!” I raised my voice as the music started up again, loudly. “So nice to see you again” I said and tried not to laugh

at Lydia who was rolling her eyes over her friends shoulder. “Nice…to…see…you…too” she said confused and slowly. “Hey, aren’t you going to come out and dance?” I called to Lydia and Camille turned. The whole evening went as I had planned, we had to call it short, Camille seemed a bit put out, but to be honest I was exhausted. I knew I had over done it but I was so pleased to make this woman realize she couldn’t have my wife, my lover, my frau. Once I had gotten my breath back from my cancer treatments I was much more of threat to her. We had kept her off balance all evening and the love we shared couldn’t be denied. “Are you feeling better now?” Lydia asked as we drove home. “Yes, I think I do” I answered with a grin. The rest of our lives together looked pretty good at this moment. I watched as she dressed with care. She didn’t look her age at all. She could easily have shaved 15 years off her chronological age. The curls were teased into a sophisticated look that actually helped her youthful look. The dress,

which I had convinced her to buy in New York, helped with her youthful appearance. For the first time in a long time I saw my wife dressing to kill. She had looked wonderful at the wedding of course, healthy, sophisticated, but tonight, she was in it for revenge. She had been too tired, too sick to fight back last fall and while nothing had happened between Camille and me she knew what the Frenchwoman had been about. She knew that had I been a weaker woman I would have gone to bed with her. I had done nothing wrong and my reward was this beautiful woman by my side. The look on Camille’s face was worth it. She had played and I had warned her, Analisa Meunier was a beautiful woman in all her glory and she was out to show off tonight, I was enjoying every moment of it and looked forward to making love to her despite our mutual fatigue. I hadn’t gone through chemotherapy and radiation treatments in the last year but I think I was just as tired as my frau. Camille had never had chance, she didn’t know Ana, and she didn’t realize that the outside was only a shell. The pale white woman she had seen last fall was not the same woman I had married years ago. This spitfire tonight wasn’t either but both of them were the love of my life and I wasn’t going to jeop-

ardize my life with them for a fling. This strong willed, exciting American was more than enough for me. The next day the five of us walked down to the stables and took out five horses and slowly walked into the hills. The older horses still had a little spirit in them and carefully carried our children; Gretel’s was led with an extra rope tied to Ana’s mount. I rode Brutus. As I looked down on the Schloss and our lands from our favorite hill I realized I had something money couldn’t buy, a beautiful home, a now healthy wife and three lovely children. If someone had told me years ago I would never have believed them. I, Baroness Von Horn, Lydia to my family was happily in love with an American woman by the name of Analisa Meunier, a commoner, who with me was raising our three beautiful children. Despite the trials and tribulations over the years, life was good for all of us. I realized I wasn’t bored anymore, that boredom that I had experienced all those years ago in Oconomowoc had led me on a path I hadn’t expected, one I hadn’t anticipated. Never in my wildest dreams would I have thought of

having a second family, being married to a woman, a Baroness, living in a Schloss, in Germany. But that was what I did have, the threat to our children had strengthened my ties to my second set of children, the cancer had made me stronger, throughout it all I had this amazing beautiful woman to share it with, I wonder what the future will bring, I’m so glad I’m here to share it with her and them…I smiled at Lydia in my joy and I knew she was having similar feelings as we gazed at our children and then looked deeply into each other’s eyes and leaned in for a kiss.

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