Working Mother: Balancing Childcare and Career

Working Mother How to Balance Childcare and Career

Dr. Stavia Blunt

SUMMERSDALE

Copyright © Dr. Stavia Blunt 1999 All rights reserved. The right of Stavia Blunt to be identified as the author of this work has been asserted in accordance with the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act of 1988. No part of this book may be reproduced by any means, nor translated into a machine language, without the written permission of the publisher. Summersdale Publishers Ltd 46 West Street Chichester West Sussex PO19 1RP United Kingdom Printed and bound in Great Britain by Creative Print & Design, Wales. ISBN 1 84024 060 1 The information given in this book was assumed to be correct at the time of going to press. The publishers accept no responsibilty for any actions or consequences arising either from the use or misuse of this book.

To George, Peter and Elly

BY THE SAME AUTHOR:

‘SHAPING UP DURING AND AFTER PREGNANCY’

Introduction

CONTENTS Introduction.....................................................................................7 1. Being Aware of What Having a Baby Involves.............................10 2. What Does it Mean to be a Modern Working Mother?...............23 3. My Experience of Being a Working Mother.................................38 4. Work and Motherhood................................................................70 5. Work, Pregnancy and Maternity Rights........................................95 6. Childcare for the Under 5s..........................................................122 – Nannies and Mother’s Helps..............................................138 – Au pairs...............................................................................159 – Childminders......................................................................161 – Day Nurseries and Crèches................................................170 – Nursery Schools and Playgroups........................................174 7. Childcare for School Age Children.............................................176 8. Working and Family Life..............................................................191 9. The Single Mother.......................................................................210 10. Difficulties, Doubts and Dilemmas............................................218 Conclusion.......................................................................................237 Useful Addresses/Further Reading..................................................239

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Introduction

INTRODUCTION Every mother works. The nature of the work involves all that comes with raising a family and running a household. An increasingly common situation for the modern woman, though, is one where the mother works not only in the home, but also in areas other than those immediately relating to her family. Having a family alone involves a major investment of time and energy. Simultaneously holding down a job and working as a parent puts an even greater strain on the mother. This book is concerned with the situation that these working mothers find themselves in. Every working mother’s situation will be unique, as will her views on what she wants and what she thinks is best for her family. However, there are certain fundamental issues, problems and dilemmas that are common to all working mothers and their families. This book is an attempt to equip the working mother and her partner with practical information and advice for the numerous different situations that may arise. Many potential problems and pitfalls of being a working mother can be avoided if you know in advance what to expect and what the possibilities are. I hope that this book will serve as a valuable source of information about all aspects of the working mother’s position. This is not a book about the rights or wrongs of being a working mother, although different perspectives of this subject are touched upon. My aim is to provide the working mother and her partner and family with information, ideas and inspiration about how to

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combine work and family life and how to make the best of that combination, whatever their particular circumstances may be. From the beginning, like most mothers, I had doubts and dilemmas about whether I was doing the right thing in trying to combine a career with raising a family. I was also struck by the lack of information and advice about how it might work. My experience has been very much a ‘do-it-yourself’ approach that inevitably entailed learning by my own mistakes. Knowing all that I do now, there are several things that I would have done differently, had I had access to this information at the time. Since the birth of my first child, eight years ago, I have become increasingly conscious that if working mothers were more aware of the possibilities and choices available to them from the outset, they would be in a far better position to make a success both of their career and raising their families. The information contained in this book is largely derived from my own experiences (including my many mistakes), in combining a busy career as a hospital doctor with being a mother of two small children. I have also drawn on the achievements and mistakes of numerous working mothers and their partners, with whom I have shared experiences over the years. Many working mothers have contributed more directly in the case studies in this book, by providing outlines of how they have managed the combination of work and raising a family. It is this kind of experience – from those who have done it – that will be of most value to prospective working mothers and their partners. Whilst I focus on the mother throughout the book, I would emphasise at the outset that the father of any child has just as important and valuable a role to play in the upbringing of a child, and responsibility for their welfare. Maximum input from a father or father figure to the rearing of a child can be fulfilling and

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Introduction

rewarding for both parties, as well as being helpful to the mother. Whilst not all working mothers have partners, where they do, their role in making a success of the working mother situation cannot be overemphasised. Therefore, ideally I would like every woman who reads this book to give it to her partner to read as well. Of all parents who find themselves needing to combine work with raising a family, the most difficult situation by far is that of the single parent. Often these individuals find themselves in a position where they are forced – or would like – to return to work in order to improve the comfort, wellbeing and standard of living of their family. Whilst society is aware of these problems, the reality and extent of the difficulties are often not fully appreciated or addressed. My own urge to highlight the position of the single parent greatly increased after a chance encounter with two brave and impressive single mothers, whom I met on the programme The Time, The Place, discussing the issue of whether parents should allow someone else to look after their children. Jane Millar has kindly contributed her own story to the case histories in this book. Because of the particular difficulties they face, I have chosen to dedicate a chapter specifically to the lone parent. The rest of the book applies as much to the single parent as it does to mothers who do have the support of a partner. After reading this book, I hope that the reader – whatever your circumstances – will be better prepared for the challenges presented by combining work with raising a family. I hope that in being prepared for dealing with the natural strains of this combination and any unexpected problems, you will be in a better position to enjoy the benefits of continuing to work whilst raising a family.

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1 BEING AWARE OF WHAT HAVING A BABY INVOLVES Every woman who is thinking about starting a family – whether or not she works – would be wise to appreciate fully what having a baby means. Whilst there may be a very committed and involved father-to-be (who should also be as informed as possible), it is the mother who gets pregnant, carries the child, and gives birth. It is also still generally the mother who cares for the baby – at least in the early weeks of life. Nevertheless, once the baby is born, any child should be regarded as a shared responsibility between the parents and there is plenty that any partner can and should be encouraged to do. The fact that modern women are able to fit so much apart from having babies into their lives is a tribute to their organisational skills, advances in modern medicine and the changing attitudes of society. The safety of pregnancy and childbirth and the survival chances of the newborn baby are several times better than they were 50 years ago. But this should not allow us to be lulled into a false sense of security where reproduction is concerned. Nothing about reproduction should be taken for granted – even today.

Getting Pregnant Some pregnancies happen by accident and may or may not be welcome occurrences. Wherever possible, if only for the optimal outcome of pregnancy, it is best to plan pregnancy and to know at the earliest opportunity whether you are pregnant. With 10

Being Aware of What Having a Baby Involves

modern birth control this is usually possible. Nowadays, parentsto-be are almost invariably in a position to select when to start trying to begin a family. Increasingly, pregnancies are planned and timed carefully to fit in with particular stages in the parents’ lives and family circumstances. This ability to control our fertility does enable us to ask the question (and it is a particularly important one if the future mother works) ‘When is the best time to start a family?’ Obviously many factors should be taken into account when deciding the answer to this crucial question. These include: • The mother’s health. • How quickly you expect to be able to become pregnant. • The stability of the home. • The reliability of the mother’s partner and his attitudes to having a baby. • The age of the mother (and to a lesser degree the father too). • How many children you wish to have and with what age gaps. • The financial situation. • Stage in career (for both parents). • The extent of support from immediate or extended family. • The availability of childcare.

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Bear in mind, however, when weighing up the above factors that whilst you can choose when you wish to start trying to get pregnant (by stopping birth control for example), getting pregnant ‘on demand’ can rarely be guaranteed even in the most fertile years. For the woman who hopes to fit both pregnancy and childbirth into a tight working schedule, it is worth remembering that it is an often unpredictable biological rhythm that is the ultimate decider of whether you will get pregnant at a particular time.

Relying on getting pregnant within a very tight schedule can be precarious and disappointing. Therefore, do not plan too rigorously, leave more time than you would expect is needed, and do not leave it too late to start trying. Providing the Best Environment for your Child Having a baby is a tremendous responsibility. The environment you provide will have profound effects on how your child develops physically, emotionally and intellectually. Therefore, the decision to start a family should ideally be made at a time when the best possible environment can be provided for your child.

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Being Aware of What Having a Baby Involves

Many factors contribute to a good environment, including: • Domestic stability. • Parental satisfaction and self-esteem. • A good relationship between the parents. • Financial stability. • Adequacy of childcare arrangements. • Parental physical wellbeing i.e. good health. • Parental mental wellbeing i.e. freedom from stress, fatigue and guilt. • The ability to clearly demonstrate love, care and affection for the child. How being a working mother can actually benefit your child’s environment Whilst there is much to be said for the environment provided by a loving and committed mother who stays at home to look after her children, it is not always the best situation in the longrun. A mother who feels fulfilled – because she spends time pursuing a career, as well as loving and caring for her child – may provide a better and more contented environment than a mother who grudgingly gives up work - because this is what she has been told is best for the baby - so that she can tend to her newborn baby’s dirty nappies. The quality of the care that the working 13

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mother ensures in her absence is, of course, hugely important. However, if the right person or situation is established, the arrangement can actually be a bonus, with the child benefiting from the energies and interests of other adult(s) apart from his/ her parents.

Pregnancy, Birth and Breast-feeding Pregnancy Being pregnant produces massive changes to a woman’s body. I certainly found them hard to believe as they developed in me – and I knew what to expect having seen them in other women during my work as a doctor. These changes can be wonderful, but they can also be cumbersome and a hindrance, especially when you are trying to carry on with a job.

Be aware of what being pregnant means before you embark on the idea of combining pregnancy with your work. Normal changes that occur with pregnancy mean: • You increase in size and become more cumbersome. • You tire more easily and may be slower than usual. • You may become sleepier. • You may become more placid (this may or may not be an advantage for your work!).

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Being Aware of What Having a Baby Involves

• Some women notice an alteration in their memory and ability to concentrate. • You sweat more. • You may faint. • You will have some or all of the ‘normal’ discomforts of pregnancy to contend with such as: – nausea – breast tenderness – urine frequency – indigestion – back ache – odd taste in mouth – food cravings – cramps – mood swings Changes during pregnancy also mean that: • You will need to be monitored at an antenatal clinic (requiring time off work). • You will need new clothes. • You may not be able to do certain types of work. • You simply cannot get as much done as you did before pregnancy. • You will need to spend some time resting.

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• You may have to cut out additional activities you used to enjoy before pregnancy. Unexpected things can happen during pregnancy Being pregnant can itself be problematic and may require you to put your pregnancy before everything else including your work – a position that many working mothers will not have encountered before. At the mildest extreme, you may simply become less effective at your job, although others may not notice. At the other extreme, you may develop unforeseen problems which require you to take time away from work or even to receive medical treatment. Similarly, babies may not arrive when expected (again potentially interrupting your work schedule).

All these possibilities should be borne in mind when planning how you will combine work and pregnancy. Working mothers should resist the urge to overcompensate at work There is a temptation for some working women – particularly those who are in demanding careers – to overcompensate at work for the fact that they are pregnant. The urge to demonstrate to colleagues and employers that the pregnancy is ‘not going to interfere with my work’ should be avoided if at all possible. Numerous studies have shown that excessive stress, excessive physical activity, inadequate rest, and even prolonged standing can reduce flow of blood to the placenta and have an adverse effect on the outcome of the pregnancy. When, during pregnancy, I had a small bleed during the early weeks of 16

Being Aware of What Having a Baby Involves

pregnancy, and expressed my desire to keep on working despite my obstetrician’s advice to the contrary, he rightly reminded me that ‘This little human being growing inside you only has one chance, and he or she is more important than any job you will ever have.’ Pregnant women should avoid: • Excessive stress. • Excessive physical activity. • Inadequate rest. • Prolonged standing. Giving birth and the postnatal period Giving birth, especially to a first child, is an exhausting experience even if everything goes well. Unfortunately, there are sometimes problems with the mother or baby during or after delivery. These experiences can be traumatic and may take longer to recover from than you might expect or have planned for. The postnatal period is usually exhausting, and there is no let-up. Sometimes the exhilaration of having the baby is followed by mild depression after delivery, or more severe depression that may need treatment. Things to bear in mind about birth and the postnatal period: • Giving birth is emotionally and physically draining. • There may be difficulties during or after labour which may require specific treatment.

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• Postnatal fatigue and mood swings can be troublesome. • With a first baby everything is new and the parents are learning all the time. • Caring for a newborn baby is constant and exhausting. • Newborn babies can become ill. • Partners cope with and respond to a new addition to the family in different ways.

Breast-feeding There are many advantages to breast-feeding your new baby, and these apply particularly in the first three months of life. Breast milk is the best form of nutrition for your baby, containing the right balance of protein, water, sugar and carbohydrate; it also contains the ideal levels of vitamins, minerals and antibodies which help to protect the baby. Babies can digest breast milk more readily than bottle milk, and are less likely to suffer from constipation and wind when fed on breast milk. Breast-feeding also provides an intimate connection between mother and baby, and serves to strengthen the bond between them. Breast-feeding can be comforting and can help soothe the baby to sleep. However, there are disadvantages to breast-feeding, including the fact that it ties the mother down to feeding the baby (anyone can give the baby a bottle) and that it can be a difficult routine to break.

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If you are planning to breast-feed your baby there are a number of factors that need to be taken into consideration: • How long do you wish to continue breast-feeding? • Will you be able to carry on breast-feeding once you have started work? • Will you rush back to the house in the middle of the day to feed the baby? • Will you express milk and freeze it for someone else to give during the day? • How will working affect your milk production? • Will you aim to part breast-feed (e.g. early morning and evening/ night time)? Some Individual Cases: Susan

Art Psychotherapist

After taking the standard maternity leave, Susan returned to work continuing to breast-feed her baby. This proved to be very difficult as her hours of work varied.

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Vivienne

Registered Nurse

Deciding at the time to breast- and bottle-feed the baby, Vivienne’s sleep patterns were routinely interrupted and so she felt very tired most of the day. Sarah

Trade Union Officer

Sarah returned to work seven months after the birth of her first child. This allowed her to wean her child off the breast in readiness for the day care. Marie

Primary Liaison Nurse

Taking the advantage of extended maternity leave Marie stayed at home with her newborn daughter, now three and a half years old until she decided to cease breast-feeding. Melanie

Sales Assistant

Melanie was initially determined to continue breast-feeding her son after returning to work. After a couple of weeks attempting to juggle the demands of the customer with the demands of her baby, the arrangement proved impractical and she felt that she had to introduce bottle-feeding to compliment the breast.

All aspects of pregnancy, birth and breast-feeding need to be carefully considered when thinking about: • How much maternity leave you should take. • How fully you will work after formal maternity leave has ended.

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Being Aware of What Having a Baby Involves

Changing Attitudes, Responsibilities and Priorities It is important to be aware that having a baby will bring enormous changes not only physically through pregnancy, childbirth and possible breast-feeding, but also mentally. Many preconceived, carefully planned notions of how you and your partner will cope, and how you will combine work with a new baby can fall by the wayside as pregnancy progresses, and particularly once the baby arrives. There is nothing like the ‘real thing’ to focus the mind on what it all means. Having a baby may: • Change the lives of parents in ways that no amount of planning or education can predict. • Alter your outlook on life (and on your career). • Alter the way in which you see your partner and yourself. • Alter your partner’s attitudes to what he considers to be your ‘right’ or ‘natural’ role and his own. • Change your interest in friends (and theirs in you – especially if all you can talk about is your new baby!). Babies require a lot of attention; they need to be looked after and nurtured and they are expensive. Babies’ needs also change as they grow. They need different kinds of stimulation and activities, and although rewarding, they become increasingly demanding as they grow into schoolchildren. Above all, children consume time.

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Sensibly managing your time, whether or not you are a working parent, is one of the most vital aspects of being an effective mother. ‘I lost all interest in my career when my first child was born, and abhorred the thought of leaving my baby in order to start work. Although I had always intended to return to work, when the time arrived I had very mixed feelings about doing so.’ (Sara)

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2 WHAT DOES IT MEAN TO BE A MODERN WORKING MOTHER? Responsibilities of the Mother When people think of a mother’s responsibilities they tend to think mainly and naturally of the nurture of her children. If only being a mother was so simple! It is all too easy (and sometimes convenient) for others to forget or take for granted the fact that being a mother usually involves a great deal more than caring for your child – vital as this is. Being a mother also involves a plethora of other activities, talents and duties which revolve around organising not only the children, but also the home, and often a husband or partner too. Such added responsibilities often include functioning as a wife, secretary, P.A., housekeeper, book-keeper, public relations officer, maid, gardener, handywoman, psychologist, agony aunt, as well as sometimes being expected to earn some money. It is still the mother who fulfils most of these functions in the majority of modern families, even where the mother works outside the home. In some cases the entry of women into the workforce has been accompanied by a more equal sharing of those responsibilities at home that traditionally fell to the mother. However, in many cases, the balance has been slow to change. Perhaps a reflection of this unfair distribution of work and responsibility is the recent study showing that on average men 23

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who are married live longer than those who are not, whereas women who are not married live longer than those who are!

Providing a Good Environment for your Children The primary aim and role of a mother should be to provide her child/children with the best environment possible, so as to equip them with the best hope for their future. Children are precious, impressionable and vulnerable individuals who need to be nurtured and cared for. In order to be a good mother, it is important to appreciate that a child’s needs change with time and with different stages of their development. Nevertheless, certain needs are fundamental. One doesn’t need to be a child psychologist to recognise what these are: • Love and attention. • Patience. • Comfort and reassurance. • Security. • To learn from examples. • To be taught what is right and wrong and to develop an according set of values. • Education and stimulation. • Encouragement and help in building self-confidence and selfesteem. • To feel valued rather than resented. 24

What Does it Mean to be a Modern Working Mother?

• To know that there is someone special there for them when they are in need. Most importantly, children need to know that they are loved. Whether and how these needs are satisfied is vital because it will greatly influence the basic human characteristics that the child will develop – in other words, what sort of person the child will grow into. We would all like our children to grow into happy, confident, kind and well-adjusted adults, and it is these attributes that are nurtured by love. Maternal presence Through my own experience with my children, however, I have discovered that loving alone is not sufficient. In order for a child to thrive, he/she must spend enough time with those that love him or her. For mothers who work, there are always the questions of: • ‘How much time is enough?’ • ‘Can others substitute for the mother some of the time?’ These are both points over which I have agonised repeatedly. Every mother and every child are different: a child’s individual needs and how much a mother can give, will vary. What is important is finding a balance that is successful for both of you, so that the time you spend together is happy. A mother should not think or deceive herself into thinking, however, that she should or can fulfil all her child’s needs herself.

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Father’s time and presence Happy times with a parent are needed by all children and they do not only come from the mother. Fathers or partners can be just as good at providing ‘good quality’ parental time as a mother. With couples who are used to a very traditional family set-up, a childcaring role for the husband may seem foreign, and some men may refuse to change. Therefore, before making plans about working and having children, you would be wise to establish what your partner’s position is on these matters before you go too far! Input and help from other sources Traditionally, in many different societies and cultures, the onus of looking after children has not been the sole responsibility of the mother. Throughout history there have been other ‘significant adults’ who contribute to the raising of children. Often, older children within the same family have taken part too. Indeed, it is the norm in many African rural societies (where there is no family planning and where the woman is a major source of labour), for the mother to nurse her baby, carried in a sling on her back, until about the age of eight months. During this time the mother will be working in the fields, whilst any other children remain with older relatives or siblings. Needless to say, once the mother ceases breast-feeding (which has a contraceptive effect), she becomes pregnant again and once she gives birth to the next child (who needs breast-feeding), the baby is usurped from the sling and handed over to another carer. For a mother, realising and accepting that others (husband, grandparents, aunt, nanny, godparent, friend etc.) are perfectly able to provide childcare, is one of the most important steps to ensuring that you will be a successful working mother. Provided

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that ‘suitable others’ can be identified, their addition to the child’s world can only be beneficial. The important thing is that parents spend time with their child when they are able, and that they make the most of that time. Mothers who work so much that they spend very little time each week with their child, or for whom the time spent together is clouded by fatigue and irritability, may well find that the relationship is not as close as it is for those mothers who spend more time with their children. Indeed, if this is the case, the child may develop a warmer relationship with another carer, if he/she is lucky enough to have one who will act as such a substitute. Some mothers do not seem to mind this occurrence, being happy enough in the knowledge that their child is being well looked after. ‘It is certainly true that being a working mother can be very rewarding and in fact you may feel that you have the best of both worlds. But when things go even mildly awry it can be a little hard on the nerves. This is when you need a team of souls waiting in the wings to help you out of trouble. This team may consist of helpful friends and neighbours, or husbands with flexible working hours.’ (SM – Radiographer) Thinking about childcare Sometimes, even the traditional mother has to think about alternatives to looking after her child herself. This is obviously a major topic to consider for the working mother, and Chapters 6 and 7 are dedicated to this.

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Organising the Spheres of Your Life Good organisation of all aspects of a working mother’s life is the key to success. This normally involves being the main coordinator of the lives of your children and of events relating to the home. Allocation of responsibility for different tasks to members of the household is important – but it is nearly always left to the mother to check that things have actually been done. Organising the lives of your children In addition to the need simply to be looked after, children require a great deal of organising that someone has to see to. Here are just a few examples: • Children need clothes and special food at different ages. • Children may go to playgroups and activities or school. • Children are frequently ill. • Children need vaccinations and health check ups. • Children have birthday parties with things called ‘party bags’. • Children go to schools which may start and finish at different times. • Children have homework. • Children like to invite others to play and vice versa. 28

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• Children need to be dressed, or chivvied to dress. • Children need to have their hair and teeth brushed. • Children and their clothes frequently get dirty. • Children need hair cuts. • Children ‘go spare’ if they don’t have their special cuddly toy or dummy. • Children may need packed lunches. • Children may experience problems at school which need to be detected and addressed. • Children need ferrying to parties, friend’s houses, music lessons, sport and other activities. • Children need their parents to be present at parent’s evenings and school functions. • Children want their parents to watch them in their school play. • Children ask lots of questions which need time for discussion. Whether or not she does these things herself, more often than not it is the mother who ends up taking responsibility for making sure that all these things are done. Organising the home Traditionally, and indeed even in the most ultra-modern working mother’s home, the job of organising the home and keeping

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track of what has been done and what is still undone, usually falls to the mother. Organising a home requires all of the following: • Tidying and cleaning. • Doing the shopping. • Washing and ironing. • Organising domestic services. • Paying the bills. The reason why many women find they are in charge of everything may relate to the fact that they are generally more observant! Let’s face it, despite the introduction of the New Man, and admittedly with a few exceptions, when it comes to domestic awareness men are generally hopeless. Even if your husband is keen to do the shopping (‘for you’), he will almost certainly not have noted that the toilet cleaning liquid or furniture polish has been finished. He may personally have poured out the last few flakes of cereal and binned the packet, but not registered that it needs to be replaced. Usually it is the mother who makes the shopping list and keeps a tab of what needs replacing, whether or not she does the shopping herself. My husband has always been most ‘helpful’ about the house, but I frequently find myself checking that he has done things correctly, or thanking him for doing jobs that I normally do, such as emptying the dishwasher! If your situation reaches the stage

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where your husband or partner awakes in the morning and opens his chest of drawers with the words ‘Darling, I don’t seem to have any socks’, then you can be quite sure the balance of responsibilities has gone badly wrong! Many partners are eager to help if they are made aware that help is needed. A working mother cannot afford to be a martyr. Organising your partner Many women find themselves organising their partner in the same way as they do their children. My advice is not to let this happen! Husbands or partners are quite capable of sorting out their own lives; this includes their washing, dry cleaning, ironing and cooking (my husband is a better ironer and cook than I am – annoyingly checking up on me if I am ever unlucky enough to be cooking the vegetables!). Often, simply pointing something out to your partner, or making him take responsibility for certain things, is all that is required. Clearly, there are some chores that are better suited to men and the division of duty should therefore take these factors into account. Responsibilities allocated might include manual tasks around the house and garden. Again, the problem is often not one of him being unable or unwilling to do the job, but usually of failing to notice that the job needs doing, or being slow at getting round to doing it. Even if your partner does not notice that certain DIY tasks need doing in the house, he can respond to requests and reminders; never slip into the alternative of doing it yourself.

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Organising yourself Somewhere amidst this chaos, being a mother also has to involve organising yourself. Some of the things that have to be done include: • Organising your work and all that goes with it. • Ensuring that you have time for recreation and relaxation.

Thinking about Combining a Baby with Work Every woman who decides to combine work with a pregnancy and raising a family should think very carefully about the effect of work on the family and vice versa. The most important starting point is to think carefully about your reasons for wishing to work. Satisfy yourself that they are sound reasons and that you are not continuing to work as a default mechanism simply because it is what you have always done and it is easier to soldier on. How will having a baby affect your work? The exact details and difficulties that may arise will vary greatly according to the type of work the mother wishes to pursue, her long-term aims and the effect a break would have on her employment. Different jobs vary greatly in their flexibility, structure and experience when it comes to coping with women who have children.

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Here are a few questions you should ask yourself if you are thinking about returning to work after the birth of your baby: • How will being pregnant affect your ability to carry out your job? • What will happen if you have to take time off during the pregnancy? • How will getting pregnant affect your career prospects and proposed career path? • How much maternity leave can you afford to take? What would be the ideal period for you and your child? What is the best compromise? What if something goes wrong? • Will your work setting be sympathetic to a mother of young children and allow for things to go wrong, or for you to have time off in emergency at short notice? • Will colleagues and clients perceive you in a different way (better, worse)? How much would this matter? • Will your new position enable you to command more or less respect? • Will you be able to or would you wish to invest as much time and energy into your work as you did before you started a family? • How would you combine travelling or being away from home as part of your work? • How will work required to be done at weekends or in the evenings be incorporated into your new family life?

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• Will your chances of promotion be affected? How will your work affect your child? Working away from home inevitably means that you will have less time to spend with your child. Think carefully about how this will affect your child. Factors to take into account include all those that were mentioned above, but specifically: • How you will feel about leaving your child with someone else. • How you will maximise your time with your child. • How you will ensure that the time you spend with the child is happy. There is nothing worse than coming home exhausted and irritated after a long day at work and a long drive home, only to share your irritation with a baby or child who is eager to spend time with you. • How you will minimise your stress at work and avoid rushing your time with your child. • How the childcare that you arrange will influence your child’s wellbeing. • What systems you will use to monitor your child’s day whilst you are at work. • How you and your child and family will cope if you are home late or have to be away overnight or at a weekend because of work. • How it will affect your child if you or your partner are not able to attend school functions.

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• Do you have sufficient ‘fall-back’ arrangements if your child needs additional attention whilst you are at work? Or if your childcarer is sick? • How will your child fare and be cared for during school holidays when you are at work?

‘From the moment I stopped working to go on maternity leave I never forgot for a moment that I would return to the same capacity as before. I realised this meant I could never entirely relax. I therefore knew that it was important to establish a routine fairly quickly; ‘organisation’ is the name of the game when you become a working mother.’ (SD – Radiographer)

On Being a Modern Working Mum As the Millennium approaches it is increasingly clear that the options open to the modern mother, and her expectations, surpass anything that would have been predicted fifty years ago. It seems, at least superficially, that the modern mother can have it all. She may have a brilliantly successful career; she may have scooped a modern, helpful, man-about-the-house as her partner; she may have produced children who are well-adjusted little stars; and she may have perfect and foolproof childcare arrangements. But any modern working mother will admit (to herself if to nobody else) that such stories of super-women with super-families are usually fairy tales. All modern mothers know that holding down a job and having a family is usually a delicately balanced, sometimes juggled, and often precarious state of affairs, and there is always an element 35

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of compromise. There is also the danger that many highly competent working mothers (and wives) end up not having it all, but doing it all. There seems little point in having children if you are not prepared to put in the effort that they will require. This will inevitably involve some sacrifices and will undoubtedly mean that there is less time available for you. It should also mean, especially if you work, that others (e.g. partner, relative, nanny, au pair) help with some of the things you used to do before your child/children came along. It is all too easy for those who disapprove of working mothers to be judgmental and critical of those mothers who choose to work - or who must work – especially when something goes wrong. At the same time it would be wrong and naive of anyone to suggest that problems will not occur at some stage in a working mother’s life. That should not allow attention to be deflected from the positive benefits that combining a job or career and having children can bring. Such a combination can be stimulating, rewarding (financially and personally in terms of achievement) and may enable some mothers to utilise the time spent with their children (and with their partners) all the better because of it. However, in order to make the arrangements with optimal success, careful thought, planning and organisation are needed at every stage. Knowledge about what to expect, what will need to be in place and the problems that may arise and how to cope with them, is the key to a successful combination of work and child-rearing. Ideally, thoughts about how you are going to plan your life leading up to and after the birth of your child should begin well before

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the child is born. At the same time it is worth bearing in mind that no amount of pre-planning and resolve can prepare a mother for the delight and thrill of having a new baby. For some women, even the most ambitious, the comparative stimulation gained from continuing to work pales into insipid insignificance. Whatever you may have planned regarding continuing working before the birth of your child – be prepared to change your mind! In terms of deciding what is right for any woman and her family, my only advice is to do what is best for you and your family at the time. No past expectations or performance can predict how your feelings (and those of your partner) and needs might change as your children appear and develop, so be prepared to change your mind, your plans and your views. ‘I did not take my full maternity leave entitlement with either of my two children. This was a mistake. I found the early return to work physically and mentally gruelling. I took more time off with my second child, but this led to problems at work with power struggles and a feeling of loss of status. In retrospect, I would have liked to have had a career break of 2-3 years after the birth of my second child. But at least if I had my time again I would ensure that I took the maximum amount of maternity leave available to me.’ (Sara)

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3 MY EXPERIENCE OF BEING A WORKING MOTHER My own attitudes to work, career, marriage and raising a family have changed with time – and they will probably continue to alter as my children grow and as their needs change. Everybody has some idea about what being a working mother will be like before experiencing the reality. In this chapter I outline my own preconceptions and examine to what extent my actual experience lived up to them. Attitudes before I had my own children I was one of five children and during my early childhood my mother worked part-time, helping my father in his business. My father had a rather remote input into my upbringing. Although my mother worked initially away from home, she was present a lot of the time. Her presence was definitely felt, even if she was not directly looking after my sisters and myself. Whilst my mother was very clearly the key figure in my life, there were a number of other people, including nannies, who played a significant part in my upbringing – an experience I am pleased to have had. My older sister also played an important role in the care of my younger sister and myself. When we were old enough, my younger sister, Anna, and I also entertained ourselves a great deal. My mother’s work commitments seemed natural, and fitted in well with our family life.

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I grew up with the assumption that I would have a career of my own, and would always work. Indeed, such was my dedication to the idea of a career, that I was convinced from an early age that I would never get married, let alone have children. Planning a family and early thoughts about work Having eaten my words once already (getting married), I found that I was about to eat them again. After being married for a couple of years, my husband and I decided we would like to have a baby. In fact we decided we would like to have at least four! By the time we began to talk about starting a family, I had already been working as a hospital doctor for five years, and was well on my way to becoming a career neurologist. At that stage, the question of my giving up work in order to look after a child never entered my mind, or my husband’s. It seemed obvious to us that our family life would have to fit in not only with his work, but with mine too. Looking back, we had no real comprehension of just how complicated this can be. However, we did have an inkling that having a baby would be a major disruption to our lives. Selecting the best time to have our first baby There were several factors that we took into consideration in deciding when to have our first baby. The main ones were my age, our ability to afford the kind of childcare we thought we wanted and my work commitments. Age I was still well below 30 when we began to think of starting a family. Thirty was a psychologically important age for me, because

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I knew that complications of pregnancy are generally less if the first baby is born between the ages of 20 and 30. I also knew that congenital problems such as Down’s syndrome increase in frequency quite markedly from the age of about 35 onwards. I reckoned that if I wished to have at least two children, no closer than two years apart, then I would certainly be wise to start before I was 30. Cost of childcare Because of the hours that my husband and I worked, we felt that we wanted our child to be cared for in our absence in a manner that would be closest to having a parent around. We needed someone who would be there whenever we were not. We also wanted our baby to be looked after in our own house, but to have privacy when we were at home ourselves. This meant employing a full-time nanny, but one who would not ‘live in’. By the time we began planning to have a baby, we felt that we would be able to afford this form of care. Stage in Career We felt that, especially for the first baby it would be a tremendous advantage if I could have the baby at a time when I was not working in a busy hospital job. Fortunately such a ‘window’ occurred, as I did what many junior doctors do who aspire to a permanent position in a teaching hospital: I embarked on three years’ research for a Ph.D. I knew that during this period my hours would be more regular, and I would have no on-call commitments and much less stress at work. Therefore, I admit (with some reticence) that the arrival of our first baby was carefully planned to coincide with this stage of my career. As soon as my research was underway, my husband and I set about

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conceiving. We were extremely lucky with our timing and I became pregnant straight away.

Pregnancy Enquiring about maternity leave and regulations regarding pregnancy and work At the same time as we began to plan my first pregnancy, I made some enquiries with my employers about working whilst pregnant, and about my maternity leave entitlements. I was very glad to have made these enquiries early, as I discovered several important pieces of information about my legal rights and what notice I would have to give (maternity leave is covered in more detail in Chapter 5). Deciding how much maternity leave I would take I took a number of factors into account when deciding how much maternity leave I would take. The first consideration was how long I thought it would take me to get to know how to handle my baby, and get to know him or her. I was also keen to breast-feed for the first three months, and was not sure that this would be possible after I returned to work. I needed time to sort out childcare as well. I would have liked more than three months; but from the point of view of my work, I decided that three months was all I could really afford to take. After the birth of my baby, I would still have to complete the research for my Ph.D and write it all up within the allotted time. Three months leave seemed like a reasonable compromise. Three months would probably have been adequate if all had gone smoothly.

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Deciding when I should start my maternity leave Having made up my mind how much maternity leave I would take, I assumed that, if all went well with the pregnancy, I ought to take the whole of the three months after the birth of my child, so that I could maximise the time spent with my new baby. Working during my first pregnancy By the time I became pregnant with my first baby, I had already planned in my mind exactly what pattern my pregnancy, maternity leave, and return to work would follow. I had planned what experiments for my research I would do before the baby was born and even what work I might try and get done at home during my maternity leave! However, I very soon learnt that things don’t always go according to plan. Announcing my pregnancy I was not sure when was the best time to announce my pregnancy to work colleagues. I decided, once I was fairly sure I was pregnant and had gone past the period of higher risk of early miscarriage (up to about 12 weeks), that I should let my Ph.D supervisors know. I was the first woman in our department to become pregnant, and I just did not know how the news would be received. When I broke the news to my supervisors it turned out that I need not have been concerned: both reacted well. The question of whether I was planning to return to work after having the baby was never raised by them, nor by me; it was an unspoken understanding that I could not be intending to ‘give up’. Provided my research would not be disrupted, they seemed satisfied.

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Later, when I was about 24 weeks pregnant, I wrote a formal letter to my employers. I had discovered that I had to give 21 days notice of my intention to take maternity leave, and that maternity leave would normally start in the 11th week before my expected date of confinement. I wrote that I planned to work until the end of my pregnancy (provided I was deemed medically fit) and that I would take 12 weeks maternity leave. My leave would begin on my estimated date of delivery if possible. Problems during pregnancy The early weeks of my pregnancy were unbelievably easy. I was able to continue working as normal. Indeed, I began to think that all the fuss about pregnancy was nonsense. So blasé did I become, that my husband and I decided to spend our summer holiday having what we knew would be our last adventurous expedition for some time: we arranged an action-packed trip to Zimbabwe. I should have known better. I was nine weeks pregnant when we set off. The trip included five days canoeing on the crocodile and hippoinfested Zambezi river, followed by a nine hour journey in a Landrover over rough track. We hadn’t planned on the latter, with the bumps almost proving more than my pregnancy could take. Immediately after the journey I seemed to be all right, but on my return to London, I began to bleed. An ultrasound scan showed that the baby was still alive, but the obstetrician told me (he didn’t advise or suggest) that I must not work. He said I had to rest in bed for as long as it took for the bleeding to stop completely. He said I should resign myself to at least two weeks in bed, and that I should start a tapestry!

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Luckily, everything settled down in the space of two weeks, and I returned to work. From then on my physical activities were much more respectful of my pregnancy. Daily activities during pregnancy Whereas before my pregnancy I had managed to pack the household chores, shopping, washing, recreational activities such as swimming, squash and playing the piano, around my work, I found that with the progress of my pregnancy everything took much more time and was more of an effort. One by one many of these other activities fell by the wayside. However, there were some things that simply had to be done. Although my husband tried to help me as much as he could, his work was even more demanding than mine, and there was a limit to what he could do to assist. As well as the usual chores I also felt I must go shopping for a long list of items that my books suggested would be needed for a new baby. Even everyday tasks – getting out of bed in the morning, driving to work, standing or walking even for relatively short periods, and simply staying awake in the afternoons - all became trials as my pregnancy neared term. I found that, whereas before my pregnancy I would work or read until midnight, now the clock had barely struck 9pm before I was struggling to keep my eyes open. I began to wonder if the amount of activity to which I had committed myself could really be good for my pregnancy. Towards the end of my pregnancy, I began to regret that I had not planned to stop working sooner. I felt like an elephant, and my body was telling me that I needed more rest. Yet despite my doubts about the wisdom of my continuing to work so late in my pregnancy, the pregnancy seemed to be going

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well. I was gaining a suitable amount of weight, my blood pressure was normal, and the obstetrician seemed pleased. Taking time off to go the antenatal clinic Days that I particularly looked forward to were those when I could take time off work to visit the antenatal clinic. These visits provided me with a rare opportunity to concentrate totally on the person who was growing inside me. The other special time for this I found was when I was lying in bed at night, my hand resting on my tummy, feeling the little mite move. At these antenatal visits I often wished I had a little more time during my pregnancy for such introspection. I always seemed to be in such a rush. Attitudes to pregnancy Being pregnant opened my eyes to a number of things. One of these was the fact that there were lots of other pregnant women and young women with babies whom I had previously not noticed. I also realised that the attitudes of others towards me were sometimes very different from what they had been before I became pregnant. At work, most people – especially the other young women – were considerate and helpful, and extremely interested in my pregnancy. But what I found particularly annoying was the apparent belief held by some people – ranging from secretaries, cleaners, other doctors, and even total strangers – that somehow my pregnancy was public property. This usually manifested itself in the form of inappropriately familiar questions or enquiries, as if they were somehow entitled to an answer. Some people even dared to pat my growing abdomen! Perhaps they assumed I would be pleased by their interest. Then there were the few who were clear ‘pregno-

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phobes’: showing irritation and disdain if, for example, I walked up a flight of stairs too slowly in front of them. Maternity leave and childcare My work continued uninterrupted until my estimated day of delivery arrived. Like many first babies, mine was late. It was a great relief to be able, at last, to stay at home. I became broody, as predicted by my maternity books, and even started sewing, which is unheard of under normal circumstances! I whiled away the time by resting and checking that I had everything I would need for the confinement. We did not have a nursery – we planned that the baby would sleep in a crib by my side of the bed. So I did not have too much to prepare in terms of rearranging the house or decorating. I managed to put my work completely out of my mind, with surprising ease. The baby arrived on the third day of my maternity leave. Feelings after the birth of my baby Nothing can describe the unbelievable joy that I felt when my baby boy, Peter, was born. For the first few weeks of his life, everything else I had ever done seemed insignificant. I know that there are some working mothers who, no sooner have they had the baby are back with their laptop computers working by the side of the neo-natal cot. This was not so for me. Even if I had wished to, I would not have had the energy. I had not anticipated that the birth itself would be so exhausting. There are some women who seem to float through delivery, but for me it was like running a marathon – ten times. And after the birth there was no let up.

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Problems with the baby during maternity leave When Peter was about two weeks old, I began to realise there was something wrong with him. He slept terribly. In fact he hardly slept. He napped, catching the occasional few winks when he could between bouts of what seemed to me to be severe tummy pains. These were diagnosed by my Health Visitor and by two G.P.s as ‘colic’. The worst they’d ever seen, they told me. Being anxious not to ‘doctor’ my own child, but beginning to suspect that he was suffering from a blockage of the stomach known as pyloric stenosis which is a much more serious problem, I went to another G.P. who confirmed this. He referred us immediately to the paediatricians at a local teaching hospital. My son and I were admitted. We were observed for a week, all the while my son becoming weaker and losing even the energy to cry. Eventually, after a week of observations and tests, he was operated on and cured. By now my son was eight weeks old. I was totally fraught and exhausted with stress and worry. We had nearly lost him, and I had only four weeks to go before having to return to work. I had done nothing yet about arranging childcare. I felt that most of my three month’s maternity leave had been overshadowed and lost, with my little son being uncomfortable and ill. If there was one benefit that came out of this experience, it was that I had spent almost every minute of the day and night with him, and I had got to know him very well. I began to think about how we were going to feel when I returned to work. I think I probably felt even more protective towards him than I would have done if everything had been normal. I worried that somebody else might not notice if he became ill again.

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Arranging childcare I became acutely aware of the extent to which my baby’s and my own wellbeing would depend on the quality of the childcare we secured. I mentioned earlier that my husband and I decided we would employ a full-time nanny. In trying to find a suitable person with whom to entrust our baby, there were several things that we wanted to be sure about. 1. The baby’s safety. The person had to be experienced in the care of young babies and, if possible, trained in childcare (we felt this showed more commitment to the job of nannying). 2. The child’s happiness. We wanted someone who would be warm and loving and patient. 3. We wanted someone who was trustworthy and reliable. 4. We wanted someone who would be able to provide sufficient interest and stimulation for the baby; and who would give our baby their full attention. 5. We wanted someone who would be prepared to stay for a reasonable length of time (for at least a year), so that the baby would have continuity in his care. We wanted so many qualities in the person we would employ as a nanny that I sometimes doubted that we would find anyone we would feel happy with. Advertising and Interviewing Almost as soon as my son and I came out of hospital, I placed an advertisement in a magazine which specialises in child and

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domestic care. I also registered with some nanny agencies. I had a big response from the advertisement, and surprisingly little from the agencies. I ended up interviewing about 12 girls. There was no difficulty in choosing our first nanny, Claire. She stood out from the others. She was open, friendly, warm, intelligent, and showed a genuine interest in Peter. She seemed very comfortable handling him and was clearly very knowledgeable about babies. I explained his health problems to her and she asked sensible questions. After checking her references and interviewing her a second time, we offered her the job, explaining that there would be a contract to sign with her job description and terms of service detailed. Once it was clear that she was happy to come and work for us, we decided when she would start and that there would be an overlap period with me. I went over small details about how I wished my son to be cared for. Every parent has his or her own views (and preconceptions, which may change with experience). I had a few ground rules, which included: • I did not want my baby to be left crying. • He should never be smacked or treated roughly. • He should not watch too much TV or too many videos. • He should only eat food that was agreed beforehand. • Outings should only be to places agreed with me beforehand (with entries made on the calendar). • No boyfriends or visitors were to be allowed in our house during working hours (except with my knowledge and agreement). Everything was amicably agreed. 49

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Returning to work My three months maternity leave passed all too soon. I was left feeling that I had not enjoyed my son for long enough. I had arranged that Claire would start during the final week and we would look after my son together, with her taking the main role and me simply being around. I felt this overlap was essential because I wanted to see how she looked after my son, and how he responded to her. Rationalising my feelings about the nanny When the time came for me to return to work, I felt happy that I was leaving Peter in the hands of a good person. I realised that I must dispel the anxieties I felt about him becoming attached to her, and should simply hope that she would be loving and kind and intelligent in the care of our precious boy. Monitoring how things were going I had decided that, even if my work permitted, I would not make ‘spot checks’ on the nanny, because I felt that this would demonstrate a lack of trust. So I relied largely on what I observed when I was with Peter to judge how things were going. My son always seemed happy when I got home from work. Often I would find him sitting on the nanny’s knee, being read a story; or being played with. He was always smiling. He seemed pleased to see me, but also not happy to see the nanny go. On one occasion he even started to cry as she left the house, which I couldn’t help feeling hurt by – although I knew rationally that this was a good sign. In the early weeks, though, I could not help but worry that he might start to love the nanny more than me – if only because he spent most of the day with her. I would deal

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with this by listing the many reasons why this should not happen, for example: 1. Because I loved Peter so much and believed I showed it. 2. Because he slept for much of the time I was at work (although this decreased as he got older). 3. Because he spent quite a lot of time with me and my husband in the evenings as he didn’t go to bed at night until about 9pm. I also knew he was being well looked after because he was always clean and comfortable; he hardly ever had a sore or dirty nappy area. The nanny showed obvious interest in him: she enjoyed talking about what my son had done with her during the day; she regularly updated me if anything ‘new’ had happened, or if he had done something for the first time. She was sensitive to my desire not to want to miss anything, and took photos of him. She did things with him that I would certainly not have had the energy or knowledge to do if I had been caring for him myself full-time. She was clearly very proud of him. She was an excellent nanny and we were all very fond of her. Worries and doubts about what I was doing Despite this, I worried about whether I was doing the right thing – whether I would regret later on not having seen my son through all his early life, and whether he might be losing out because I was absent for such long periods each day. At the same time I do not remember seriously questioning the wisdom of my decision to return to work. I had started research which I was keen to complete and which it would have been humiliating to abandon. More generally, I was accustomed to financial independence and had invested a huge part of my life in my

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career, a career that meant a great deal to me. I told myself that I would feel more satisfied by continuing to work (as long as my work was of value to me), and that I would thus be happier and more committed to giving as much as I could to my child when I was with him. Leaving For Work Every morning I spent some time with Peter while we got up and dressed. I prepared breakfast, and at about this time the nanny would arrive and I would ‘hand over’. I hated spending too long saying goodbye to Peter as it made the parting painful and difficult. Therefore, once the nanny had arrived she would distract Peter’s attention as soon as I had kissed him and I would slip out of the front door. I disliked this too. I felt as though I was sneaking off and that sooner or later, after I had gone, he must discover that I was no longer there. Did he cry I wondered? The nanny assured me that if he ever did, it was not for more than a minute or two. This pattern went well most of the time. However, difficulties arose when Peter was ill, or simply didn’t want me to leave. These partings were especially painful. Usually my husband left the house after me, which seemed to help. Once at work, I managed to switch off from thinking about my baby remarkably easily. I think this made it easier for me to work. I occasionally phoned home if there was something that needed to be discussed, but never simply to check what was happening. I would have done, however, if I had had any suspicion that things were not right. At work, I was usually comforted in the knowledge that my son was with a nice person who had arranged interesting things to do with him. I knew he would sleep throughout a substantial amount of the day, and that I would be able to spend time with him when I got home.

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Increasing efficiency at work I aimed to get through my work with as much efficiency as possible and consequently got more done than I ever had before. Whereas before I might have wasted some time chatting, now I concentrated solely on my work. My aim was to get through what needed to be done and be on my way home as soon as I reasonably could. People at work began to realise that I was no longer such a free spirit. They understood that my values had changed and respected this. Tiredness at Home Whilst I managed to keep work going, and to spend what I felt was happy time with my son and with my husband, this was not without its price. Like every parent of a small baby, I was constantly tired. My son rarely slept through the night until he was 18 months old. My husband was a true knight in shining armour at this point. He actually enjoyed getting up for our son; he woke much more easily than I did (so inevitably heard my son before I did) and he fell back to sleep more readily. We therefore shared being on-call at night for our baby. On my return home from work, whereas before motherhood I might have played the piano or flicked through a postal catalogue, now, with a tiny baby to tend to, there was no let up. Once I returned home and the nanny had left the house, I had to, and wished to, give him every bit of my attention. I also reflected that perhaps the lot of the mother of a young baby is even worse for those who stay at home all the time. At least I was able to get some respite at work. Indeed, I know one working mother who says her work is ‘R & R’ in comparison with childcare. Another doctor colleague told me that she guiltily heaved a sigh of relief when she was called into the hospital on

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weekends, because her husband would then have to take over looking after the baby. Spending happy time with my child A great deal is written and said about ‘quality time’ and it probably conjures up different things in different people’s minds. I never consciously set about allocating a set amount of time that I would spend, or a list of activities that I would do with my children to constitute ‘quality’ time. From the arrival of my first baby, it was obvious that what constituted the best way of spending time with him was doing things he enjoyed; and if it so happened that these were ‘educational’ as well, then all the better. In order that my husband and I could have more time with our baby, Peter stayed up later in the evening than most other children of his age. To compensate for this, he slept more, with two long naps during the day. We would put him to bed at night after we had finished our own evening meal. In fact, from the age of three months my son would accompany us at the dinner table, sitting semi-upright in his small bouncer chair or, later, in his high chair. I am sure that Peter would not have gone to sleep anyway until he had spent this time with his parents. I do know of some cases where this has gone to extremes. For example, a friend of mine who had her first baby whilst she was doing a very busy hospital job (often returning home at 8 or 9pm) said that her baby would not go to sleep, but would stay awake until midnight with her every night. She was quite sure that this pattern resulted from the fact that her baby saw her so little during the day and weekends that he was making up for lost time.

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I also noticed that the time I spent with my son was enhanced by the fact that it contrasted so much with the rest of my day. On returning home I usually experienced a surge of energy and enthusiasm at the thought of seeing my baby and being with him. Perhaps I would not have been quite so enthusiastic if we had spent the whole day together. Weekends were a time to do things as a family. I relished the fact that my husband and I could enjoy doing what parents who didn’t work did routinely the rest of the week. We enjoyed mundane things like being able to make his mushy food for lunch, playing silly games at home and taking Peter to the park. Changing Priorities In order to make the time to devote to our baby, a number of things in my home life changed. Examples of these included: • Reducing the amount of ironing I did (e.g. ironed sheets, jeans and all casual clothes became a thing of the past). • Shopping was done all together on the weekends (baby too, in a pouch). • I stopped playing squash (which I used to play regularly), although I did replace this with an exercise and relaxation routine at home. • We tended to spend less time cooking, but I did begin to make cakes, which my son loved helping with. • I saved up any paperwork/administration to do once the baby had gone to sleep. • We watched much less television. 55

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• ‘Baby comes too’ was our new attitude for many social occasions. Like most parents of young babies, we also found that we went out in the evening far less often than we had before. As part of our nanny’s duties we had agreed that she would baby-sit twice a week, but in fact we seldom took this up. If we were invited to supper at a friend’s house, baby would come too, in a ‘Moses basket’. Outings to the theatre or cinema or to a restaurant were few and far between. In retrospect, whilst my relationship with my husband did not suffer, I think we should have taken advantage of the fact that we could have spent more time alone together, by taking up our baby-sitting option more often. Recreation for our child Whilst in some ways my old world contracted, having a baby opened up a whole new world to me. Before I had my first child, I had not had much to do with children. We were amongst the first of our friends to start a family. Although I had learnt a great deal about my own child during the intense three months of my maternity leave, I still knew little about the social activities that were available to young mothers or carers and their charges. Fortunately (and this was one of the reasons for choosing an experienced nanny), Claire knew exactly what should be available, and how to go about joining in the various activities. She attended a playgroup, a music group and occasionally went to a baby gym with Peter – soon he had built up a small network of ‘friends’. Potential catastrophe with the departure of our nanny and changing needs of our child Somehow I sensed that our stable situation would not last. Happily for our nanny but unfortunately for us, she met someone

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she wished to marry and planned to leave us. She gave us several months notice. Peter would be 18 months old when she left. This seemed to be a crucial period in his development: he was learning fast, and was eager for stimulation. Claire had managed to give him the stimulation he needed, would the next person be as good and appropriate for his changing needs? Having by now become only too aware of horror stories about disastrous experiences with nannies, I was not looking forward to repeating the process of trying to find a stranger who would be suitable to look after our child. Change in childcare and work Luckily my younger sister Anna, an artist, offered to look after Peter for a while. Neither she nor I knew how this would work out. What I did know was that she would love him, always bear his needs in mind, talk to him and do interesting things with him. I knew that I could trust her. But did she know enough about children? Did it matter if she didn’t? She would learn in the same way that I had. I was less comfortable about how I would feel if she did things differently from me, or in a way that I did not like. With a nanny I would have no hesitation in correcting her or telling her how to do something; but how could I do that with my own sister? My sister and I discussed all these things before she started, and recognised that the experiment might not be a success, for us or for her. To our amazement the arrangement worked out fantastically – with only one or two quarrels along the way. In fact I really believe that this set-up was better for my son than if I had been at home looking after him all the time. He developed a wonderful relationship with his aunt. My sister widened Peter’s experience in a way that I would never have been able to do. She is a person of boundless energy; she would do creative,

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artistic activities with him, take him on expeditions, play swordfighting games with him and take him for walks with her two dogs. Just as my sister was beginning to feel she could not continue to look after Peter for much longer, because she had too little time for her art, he reached the age of two and a half and started morning nursery school. This gave Anna the time she needed in which to paint. Consequently the arrangement continued for a further year. If there was anything Peter missed out on initially with Anna, it was interaction with other children. My sister was not the sort to ‘get in’ with the local mother-baby or nanny scene. Nor did I feel that I could ask her to wash and iron Peter’s clothes in the same way as a nanny would have done. However, these things were trivial when compared with all the advantages she brought. My changing work situation After my research ended, I returned to work in a hospital. At that time my son Peter was not quite two years old. I had the comfort of knowing that my sister would be looking after him, which was particularly lucky because I knew that my next few years before getting a consultant post would be tiring, with long hours, and that I would have to spend nights and weekends on call. I would also have to make a determined effort to impress senior colleagues at least as much as my male contemporaries. My post was as a registrar in neurology at Charing Cross Hospital. This was a very busy job. I was on call every fourth night and every fourth weekend, and whilst I learnt a great deal in this

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job, I longed for a time when I would be able to spend my evenings at home uninterrupted. Planning my second baby It was not an ideal situation in which to be planning another baby, but I felt I had little choice. My husband and I wanted another child, and three years seemed a suitable gap. In any case, there was no assurance that if we waited longer my working conditions would get any better. I thought about working parttime but that seemed an unattractive option; it would simply prolong the time that I would have to spend before I could apply for a consultant position and would probably lessen my chances of ever getting such a post. I did not contemplate abandoning my career – so the only thing for it was to go ahead and try to have a second baby, whilst scaling the career ladder at the same time if I could. I had been working for only a few months at Charing Cross Hospital when my second pregnancy began. When I was about 18 weeks pregnant, a post was advertised at the National Hospital for Neurology. I knew that if I were to apply for and get this job it would be a good step for my career, and so I decided to apply. I was short-listed, and attended an interview when I was 22 weeks pregnant. My pregnant state was not obvious. I wondered whether or not to tell the interview panel that I was pregnant. I decided that I did not have an obligation to tell them, and I worried that volunteering the information would jeopardise my chance of success. Happily I was not asked. New job I was appointed to the post, and began four weeks later. By this time my ‘bump’ was plainly visible. I couldn’t help but feel a little

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sheepish when I started the job, and the consultants I worked for clearly also felt awkward. They had not encountered such a situation before. I told the consultants that I intended to work until as near to the end of my pregnancy as I could. After the experience of my first pregnancy I did not really want to carry on working so long, but I could not help feeling guilty that I would be going on maternity leave so early in my new job. I learnt later that my arrival in a pregnant state for that job was a source of much gossip amongst neurologists. The job was even more demanding than my previous one. Not only was I on call every third night and every third weekend, but when I was on call I had to stay in the hospital. My son and I missed each other terribly. When I was staying in the hospital over the weekend, my husband and son would come and visit me, and we would spend a few hours together (provided I was not called away) in my dingy room. I felt very unhappy. But as luck would have it, my plan of continuing to work until the end of my pregnancy could not be fulfilled. And if truth be told, I was not sorry. After only ten weeks in my new job, by which time I was 36 weeks pregnant, my blood pressure rose sharply. The obstetrician told me that I must rest in bed for the remainder of my pregnancy. I was therefore compelled to start my maternity leave early. I was delighted! Another job interview Yet, even after the premature start of my maternity leave, my eye was constantly on professional matters. I had this ingrained feeling that my career had to go on. No sooner had my maternity leave begun than another neurology post was advertised, this time a lecturer (senior registrar) post back again at Charing Cross Hospital. If I were to be appointed to this post, it would be 60

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another step up the ladder, closer to a consultant job. It would also mean slightly better hours and the opportunity at least to be on call from home. So, on maternity leave, with my high blood pressure just beginning to settle down, I applied for the job and was interviewed just before I gave birth! This time there was no way, even if I had tried to, of hiding from the interview panel the fact that I was pregnant. But despite my obvious condition, I was given the job. I will always remember that as an example of true liberal thinking in what is not always the most liberal of professions. It was agreed that I would start work in approximately four months time. Birth of my second baby My little girl, Elly, arrived without complication two weeks earlier than planned. This time I knew what to expect, and I had all the necessary things for a newborn baby: she simply had everything of Peter’s. My sister was still with us, so she looked after my son whilst I concentrated on the baby, and vice versa. This was wonderful because it meant I could spend time with each child separately. I loved my second maternity leave. It was altogether less fraught than the first, not least because my daughter was not ill, as Peter had been. Also, I did not have to worry about having to look for a nanny and, having looked after a baby before, I felt more confident the second time around. I even had time to relax and to think about getting my figure back into shape again. During this period I began a series of exercises which formed the basis of my book, Shaping Up During and After Pregnancy, and which enabled me to return to work four months after the birth of Elly, trimmer than I had ever been.

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Sibling rivalry I had tried to involve my son throughout my pregnancy with the growing baby, and tried to emphasise that he would have an important role as a big brother and that we would need his help with the baby. But, despite my efforts, when Elly was born he was quite jealous. This was never demonstrated in any aggressive way, but he made it clear that he did not approve of the new arrival. Fortunately, the fact that my sister was around all the time, and that he thinks she is the coolest person on earth, made a big difference. Peter was happy to leave me to look after the baby for long periods, so long as it meant he had his aunt’s undivided attention. Nevertheless, I tried to make sure that I spent some time alone with him every day and when I could we went on little outings, whilst either my sister or my husband looked after the new baby. Returning to full-time work with two children I cannot emphasise enough just how important the quality of childcare was to my peace of mind when I went back to work. Although Anna knew that looking after a baby in addition to a three year old would be a full-time job and might disrupt her ability to paint, she was prepared to give it a go, agreeing to continue looking after both children. So I started my new job with the reassuring knowledge that my children were in the hands of my sister. This eased the pain of separation and helped me to concentrate on my work, knowing that they were loved and cared for in the best possible way whilst I was not with them. I did not find returning to work easy. Although I was now one rung higher up the hospital ladder, my new job was very taxing both physically and emotionally. I was busy and on my feet most

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of the day, at the beck and call of a bleep. I was still on call every fourth night and every fourth weekend. Although I did not have to stay in a room at the hospital when I was on call, I would sometimes be called into the hospital in the early hours of the morning and not have time to return home before the next day’s work began. Some weekends I would be in the hospital for most of each day; sometimes my husband would bring the children in and play with them whilst I saw a patient. This kind of work was stressful and exhausting. I was only prepared to put up with it because I knew it was not going to be a permanent way of life, and was a necessary step towards getting a consultant’s post. Spending time with two children Dividing my time between the two children when I returned home from work each day and at weekends was not easy either, especially as they both felt deprived of their mother and demanded my full attention. Inevitably I tended to spend more time with the baby, though I always tried to do things that would involve them both. Generally, I found the best way of doing this, even when my daughter was very young, was by reading to them both together. When Elly got a bit older we did activities together such as painting, playing with playdough or doing puzzles. Each night, my husband and I divided forces and each put one of the children to bed after reading a story, so that they each had some special time alone with a parent. Because of my workload and awful hours during that period, my husband took on a far greater role in the care of the children than most husbands (even ‘modern’ ones) would expect to. He got up at night when I was not there, and often when I was, to let me rest. He fed them; he prepared milk bottles; he dressed them; he played with them and read to them; he changed their

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nappies; the only thing he was never any good at was brushing their hair. And he once took my daughter swimming with her swimsuit on back-to-front without noticing! Minor bad experience with a nanny The blissful arrangement with my sister did not last long enough. When Elly was eight months old, my sister decided that she could not continue to look after the children. She understandably felt that being a full-time childcarer was preventing her from developing her art and that she needed to make a change. So we found ourselves searching for a nanny again. We had been given a strong recommendation for a nanny agency in South London which specialised in placing girls from Australia and New Zealand, so I registered with them. Within two days the agency sent along a girl who seemed intelligent, reliable, tidy and interested. Without interviewing anyone else, we offered her the job. Looking back I realise that this was a mistake. In fact, there were clues from the start that the relationship might not run smoothly. Despite my having discussed her job description in detail at the interview, including our expectations about baby-sitting, when we wanted to record these in a written agreement she tried to re-negotiate the terms. Although the new nanny was safe and efficient, she did not bring much warmth to the job, and it became increasingly obvious as time went on that her heart was not really in it. She seemed to get on reasonably well with Elly. However, my son Peter seemed unhappy when I returned home each night and was uncharacteristically noisy and badly behaved. At first I put this down to the fact that he must be missing his aunt and finding it

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hard to get used to being looked after by a new person. When I asked Peter if he liked the nanny, he said ‘I don’t like her face’. And it was true that she rarely smiled, and wore ghostly white make-up. I think he sensed that the nanny was cold towards him. So, one evening I sat down to have a chat about how she was getting on. I asked her if she had any problems dealing with Peter, and she admitted that she did not know how to handle him because she was not used to a four year old being so ‘assertive’. Because the nanny was reliable, and because we feared the disruption and uncertainty of another change, we decided to persevere. After another couple of months however, things began to go down hill even more. It soon became clear that most of the decline was due to boyfriend problems. The nanny had met an American who was shortly to return to the States and she wanted to spend as much time with him as she could before he left. She asked if she could be allowed to see more of him. We agreed that he could come to our house towards the end of the afternoon, after he finished at work, and before I got home. He seemed nice enough, in fact Peter quite liked him. However, when he began to leave empty beer cans and dirty plates around the house, I had had enough. Fortunately, we did not have to ask the nanny to leave, as she decided she would go to America with him. Looking for a nanny again So after about eight months we were on the hunt for a nanny once again. This time, like the first, we placed an advertisement in a magazine. Again we had a huge response. We interviewed about 10 girls, and we decided to offer the job to a 22 year old girl who had worked for six years in a home for disabled children and adults, and in her spare time had also done a B-Tech course.

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We felt this showed determination and commitment. This nanny seemed incredibly patient with the children. But she was also incredibly quiet, and I found it hard to get a feel of what she was really like. For the first year that she was with us, this nanny did a super job. My daughter was not yet at nursery school and the nanny was entertaining her well and both children seemed to be fond of her. Getting a consultant job During this year I applied for a consultant job and was successful. This was what I had been striving for! At last I had the security of a permanent position and would no longer have to keep looking for new jobs to try to make my way up the professional ladder. And at last I could look forward to spending all my nights and weekends with my family. Unfortunately, the view from the top of the hill is not always as good as you hope when you are climbing the slope. I gradually discovered that being a consultant, particularly in an academic job like mine where I was also expected to compete for grant money and conduct research, brought with it new stresses and a whole set of “political” struggles and problems. Although I still enjoyed seeing my patients, from this time on I became increasingly disillusioned with the structure of hospital medicine. More serious problems with a nanny At the same time our relationship with our nanny, which had started so well, ended in grief. The trouble began (though we did not know at the time) when Elly started nursery school and

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the nanny found herself with time to spare. She said she would like to take a part-time course in nursery school teaching. We were happy with this, as we thought it would be a good qualification for her and would also give her something constructive to do while Elly was at school in the mornings. Little did we suspect that she would soon be leading a ‘double life’. Outwardly everything continued normally. The only clues (looking back on it) that something was amiss were that the nanny, who had always been quiet, became much more subdued, and that Elly seemed less fond of her. Yet because we believed that the nanny was still doing a good job, we were not suspicious. Then, one night after I had returned home from work and the nanny had left the house, Elly said to me nonchalantly, ‘Mummy, I don’t like Isabella’. This was not a name I knew, so I asked who Isabella was. From Elly’s answers it became clear that there was another little girl whom our nanny was also looking after. I found out that the nanny would arrive at Elly’s nursery school to collect her bringing this little girl with her, and would then take them both back to Isabella’s house, where Elly would stay until it was time to collect my son from school at half past three. Sometimes Elly would even be left with another woman while the nanny went out. It was shocking to find out that we had been so systematically deceived. The unpleasantness was made even worse when we asked the nanny to explain her actions, and she told us a string of further lies. After two years in which she had had the care of our children every working day and we had come to regard her almost as a member of the family, we had to sack her on the spot. How could this have happened?

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I had simply trusted the nanny completely, and let her know that I trusted her. The nanny knew my timetable to a tee. She realised that I never checked on where she was meant to be, nor did I make surprise visits home. It was easy to see how she was able to deceive us. Nonetheless, the discovery of it and the knowledge that my children had been left in the hands of someone who had betrayed our trust made me feel physically sick. I was devastated by this experience, which completely ruined my opinion of nannies. I know that this was an overreaction. Our first nanny had been so superb that I know that having a nanny can be very successful and satisfactory indeed. However, I could not help feeling guilty that I had allowed my precious children to be looked after, and for so long, by someone who turned out to be deceitful. Fortunately my childcare arrangements were resolved by my sister, who came to the rescue again for another year. Current situation At the time of writing this book, my children are aged five and eight. I worked full-time as a hospital consultant until the spring of 1998. Now I work part-time as a hospital consultant. I have adjusted my time so that I spend part of each week working from home, which is where I write. I have become effectively self-employed and I am doing more varied work than ever before. Ironically, it seems I spent my time working in a highly inflexible working environment when my children were smallest and when they potentially needed me most. On the other hand, it is the work I did in this period that has allowed me to reach a level where I am in a better position to control what I do.

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My children’s requirements, and therefore the type of care they need, are now very different from what they were a few years ago. Both are now at school full-time. They need their meals prepared and their homework supervised; but they play more now with each other or on their own, and adult supervision is all that is usually required. I spend a great deal more time with my children now than I did when they were younger. This is a huge benefit to me – it means I have the opportunity to do many of the things that non-working mothers do: I am able to take and collect from school; I can often help with homework; I can generally monitor how they spend their time after school – not watching too much TV, ensuring that they read and play with their toys, talking to them about their school day and friends or little events that have troubled them. I am generally more relaxed with them than I was when I worked full-time, and so the time I spend with them is more enjoyable. They seem to be more relaxed too, happy in the knowledge that I am around more than I used to be. With that security, they often feel able to ignore me and get on and play with each other! Taking the decision to work part-time in my previous job, and to branch out into other things Changing the structure of my work so that I could spend more time with my children inevitably created difficulties. The greatest difficulty that I experienced was in accepting the notion that this would mean I would work in a different way. I had not previously contemplated the idea of not being a full-time hospital doctor any more, and instead filling my time with additional work dictated both in nature and amount by what I wanted and could get. Having worked full-time and very hard since my early twenties, to alter my working patterns initially seemed

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unthinkable. I also thought it would not be possible to achieve. In fact it has been remarkably easy. The advantage of having worked hard early on (including when the children were tiny) is that I reached a position in my career where I was able to take control of my own destiny in a way that I never previously could. I have no regrets that I have continued to work once I started a family. On the other hand, I have sometimes found the pressures of combining work and motherhood, and of trying to ensure that my children are well cared for, worrying and intense. I know that I am not alone in this. Whilst everyone’s individual experience is unique, I am sure that many mothers reading this book will have, or will have gone through, similar difficulties and doubts. I know well that many have to face much harder struggles than I have, as is reflected in some of the case studies. But I hope and believe that I have learnt much from my own experience about what is involved in trying to balance childcare and career.

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4 WORK AND MOTHERHOOD

Why Women Return to Work After Starting a Family Whatever her reasons for working, the problems faced by any working woman who has a child are essentially the same: a new person has arrived on the scene and their ever-changing needs must be taken into consideration and met wherever possible. For most new mothers, returning to work is usually a question not of ‘if’, but ‘when’. Although the statutory minimum maternity period is 14 weeks, a report by the Policy Studies Institute shows that more than 10% have returned to work before that. More than 80% of mothers in the UK return to their jobs within 26 weeks of having a baby. Two recent reports indicate that this is mainly a result of financial pressures, and because they fear that unless they return to their jobs quickly they will lose their position on the career ladder. Those who decide to wait until their children reach school age before returning to work often find that they have lost out in both salary and position. Some women return to work after their children are born out of necessity, some do so out of choice. It is difficult to make the best decisions all of the time. Inevitably at some stage most working mothers will wonder if they are doing the ‘right thing’. Indeed some mothers (myself included) may frequently agonise over this. Naturally this raises the question of why so many women decide to continue working after their children are born. 71

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Circumstances Every woman’s circumstances are different. The following factors will influence a woman’s need or desire to work: • Financial situation. In some cases women need to work to make ends meet for the family; in others the woman is increasingly seen as an important bread winner (see below). Some women simply wish to be able to keep their financial independence. • Family structure; including the presence or absence of a helpful partner. • Whether the pregnancy is planned or not. • Whether the child is wanted or not. • What type and quality of alternative childcare can be obtained. • The psychological importance of work to the mother. • Whether starting a family will influence a career path or possibilities of promotion; some jobs and employers are more flexible and accommodating than others. The reasons that women continue to work after starting a family are many and varied: • Some women return to work because their income is essential for the family to enjoy the standard of living they want or consider acceptable.

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• Some women keep on working after they have started a family because they cannot imagine not working, or they simply do not know how to stop! • Some women wish to work because it gives them a dimension to life outside the home that enhances their happiness and thus their value as a mother. • Some women wish to work because it gives them financial and emotional independence from their partner. • Some women work because they earn more than their partner (i.e. role reversal). • Some women work because their partners want them to. Cara

Library Assistant

Cara is the working mother of a six year old son. Her pregnancy was problematic with a threatened miscarriage. Happily both mother and baby overcame the trauma and thrived. However, despite Cara’s early difficulties, she had always planned to return to the workplace, mainly driven by financial necessity. Teresa

Factory Operative

Teresa had very mixed feelings when she returned to the workplace after the birth of her daughter. Single and badly let down by the father of her child, economic necessity forced her decision to return to work. Teresa was fortunate in having very supportive parents, who insisted that she return home to live. Although she felt guilty leaving her daughter with her parents during the day, she was confident that the child was being loved and well cared for.

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Vivienne Registered Nurse Vivienne had very mixed feelings about returning to work after her daughter was born. Although she felt that her responsibilities to her daughter were more important than her career, the decision to return to work was taken out of economic necessity. After taking the standard amount of maternity leave, Vivienne continued to feel tired and listless. Returning to the workplace to find little support from her employers, she found working and looking after a young family very difficult. Catherine

Stockbroker

Catherine is a working mother of two small children aged three years and 13 months. She had always intended to return to the workplace after the birth of each child. Financial necessity was not the issue in her case – Catherine enjoyed her work and felt that returning to the workplace would benefit both her and her children. Marie

Primary Liaison Nurse

Whether or not Marie should return to work was never an issue. Marie’s career was, and still is, very important to her and gives her the stimulus, self-fulfilment and enjoyment she needs outside home and family as well as offering the much-needed financial reward. Working full-time during her pregnancy, she encountered no real difficulties at all apart from a little tiredness. Melanie

Sales Assistant

Melanie was fortunate to have the full financial and emotional support of her parents, her partner and his family. However, she felt that it was important to return to work as soon as possible so as not to miss out on opportunities of promotion.

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Where financial issues are not a concern (i.e. when the mother does not ‘need’ to work), the issue of whether to work or not can be very difficult. If you have planned prior to the birth of your child to continue working, I think it helps to be clear in your mind about the following issues from the outset: • Exactly why you intend to return to work. • How your return to work is going to affect you, your child and your partner. • For whose benefit you are continuing to work. Failure to think carefully about these points before you return to work (and to reappraise the questions intermittently thereafter) may well lead to guilt or regret at a later stage. ‘I returned to work because of necessity, because I enjoyed it and because I wanted to maintain my career. I had always intended to return to work and my partner was supportive of the decision.’ (Sara)

Modern Social Acceptance Of Working Mothers The fact that women are found working in almost every walk of life is a demonstration of the degree to which working women are accepted. In Britain today there are more working women than there are working men. Breakdown of the age structure of the working population is not so readily available. However, there is no doubt that a major change has occurred in the number of women working, and in the nature of the work they undertake once they start a family. 75

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The figures that interest men Over the centuries women have berated men for looking at their bodies and not their brains. Well, times are changing, but do we really like it? With the material extravagance expected of many modern households, it would be surprising if most men did not size up their future nesting partner with an eye to how much she might earn. In the early eighties one in fifteen women was earning more than her male partner, now that figure has risen to one in five. One friend of mine complains that she wants to be loved for her appearance and had hoped to become a ‘lady of leisure’ once she had trapped her man. Sadly it seems that he has other ideas. Cautionary notes for women who are significant earners before they start a family: • If you are hoping to find a man who loves you and not your income, try to find out as much as you can about his expectations before you embark on a long-term relationship or plan to start a family with him. • Think carefully about how much your income means to you (both). Do not hinge everything on the certainty of your earnings – having a baby can alter your attitudes to work and you may find you wish to return to work part-time, or that you wish to stop working altogether. • If you do return to full or part-time work, make sure that all aspects of the household and family responsibilities (including income) have been considered and are shared between you and your partner.

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Beware of the ‘two-jobs’ syndrome Despite the fact that there are now more working women than men in the UK, we are all aware that the distribution of work in terms of status remains skewed in favour of men, although this is slowly changing. A survey for Top Sante in March 1998 portrayed a picture of working mothers who feel overworked, underpaid and exhausted. 52% of those who work full-time also do most of the chores at home, so it is not surprising that 81% of the women surveyed believed that women are expected to perform too many roles. Most of the ‘stress’ seemed to emanate from the fact that most working mothers were also running and organising the home; it was not actually the physical activity involved, but the mental checking that was stressful. The survey suggested, perhaps not surprisingly, that the women most likely to have found a happy solution were those who were living with a truly ‘modern’ man. Yet only 20% of the women surveyed would classify their husband or partner as one! Men took equal responsibility in only 10% of households. Interestingly, however, about 50% of those women who worked and had a pre-school child would still choose to work part or full-time, even in an ideal world. 30% said they would like to stay at home full-time, whilst only 12% said they would opt for a nursery and 3% for a nanny if they had the means. Only 19% of those who replied were interested in their work as part of a career. Of the women who responded to this survey, nearly 70% felt unhappy with their appearance despite the fact that they were successful women. Figures on free time, produced by the Henley Centre for Forecasting, show that on average, a man who works has 46

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hours of free time per week, whilst a full-time working mother has only 13½ hours. Advice notes: • Do not assume or let your partner assume that you have to be the ‘master of ceremonies’ – share domestic duties and responsibilities as much as possible from the outset. • Do not aspire to being a superwoman if you have a partner who is capable of helping. • Find a truly modern man, or transform your existing one. • In the same way as men have allowed women into their workplace, make your man feel welcome in what has traditionally been considered ours! • Encourage your man to realise that he can do domestic things just as well as you and that you will not object or feel usurped if he takes the initiative.

‘There was always pressure to stay late at work. I coped with the workload by taking more home and preferring to work late at night there than stay at work for longer. My partner was not helpful when it came to sharing the load. He was reluctant to provide emergency cover for the children if the need arose. He did less at home once the children were born than ever before. My partner spent an increasing amount of time away from home, spending several weeks away on business. These problems put a strain on our marriage, as I was effectively coping with work and a young family on my own. We eventually divorced. I am now self-employed 78

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as a property developer with hours that I can control, enabling me to spend more time with the children and to provide childcare that suits my pocket.’ (Sara)

Types of work Many women who are reading this book will already have a job or career, and the situation will often be one of trying to fit your planned family around your current working arrangements. In an ideal world, a woman should be able to combine having a family and pursuing any job or career of which she is capable, but sadly this is still not the norm. In practice, there are certain careers where pregnancy, maternity leave and even just the possibility of having time off to sort out your children’s arrangements can hamper the working mother’s progress and alter attitudes towards her. Because of this there has been a tendency for working mothers, especially those in traditionally male-dominated careers, either to abandon the attempt to compete altogether or to overcompensate for any difficulties at the expense of family life. Work environments that are conducive to working mothers wishing to work FULL-time • Jobs where there have been previous working mothers. • Jobs where the men have working wives.

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• Jobs where a career break can be accommodated (such as with maternity leave or for extended periods if needed) without affecting your chances of promotion. • Jobs where reasonable working hours are acceptable (i.e. not having to be in the office all hours of the day and night to prove your worth). • Jobs where unexpected absences are tolerated or can be covered by colleagues. • Jobs where you are not expected to travel or spend long or frequent periods away from home. In many cases, women who decide to return to work part-time accept that this may result in a slowing down of their career progress and promotional prospects. Sometimes it is possible to have obtained a suitably senior position early enough on in your career, which means that a reduction to part-time work does not have this disadvantage. Work environments that are conducive to working mothers wishing to work PART-time • All of the above. • Jobs where returning to work on a part-time basis is welcomed. • Jobs that are suitable for job-shares. • Jobs in which there is the possibility of returning to full-time work at a later date.

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• Jobs in which part-time work is appropriately valued. Jobs that really are PART-TIME (some part-time doctors find they end up working almost as much as full-time doctors, and yet their training period is extended hugely, and their income is dramatically reduced). Some Individual Examples Barbara

Secretary

With no family or friends close by and good childcare facilities nonexistent, Barbara opted for part-time working at home. Although bringing little money into the household, it gave Barbara the confidence and skills required for returning to the workplace on a full-time basis in the future. Janett

Nurse

Janett had always intended to return to work after her daughters were born. However, she felt that returning to full-time work might be too demanding and opted to work part-time instead. Louise

Midwife

Louise is a working mother of a son aged two years. Louise always planned to return to work after her baby was born and decided to extend her maternity leave and return to work on a part-time basis. Louise enjoyed her chosen profession and found the extra money useful. Mandy

Waitress

As a single mother with no adequate local childcare facilities, Mandy enlisted the help of a friend, also a mother of young children, in the care of her child. They arranged to share the responsibility for childcare, allowing both mothers to return to work part-time. 81

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‘With my first child I returned to the same job but did fewer ‘unpaid’ hours. With my second child I returned to work part-time, but after two years of this I was forced to resign as my employers presented me with an ultimatum: either to leave or to return to work full-time.’ (Sara) Work environments that are not conducive to working mothers • Jobs that involve working to deadlines and are highly stressful. • Jobs that can disrupt ‘home’ time (i.e. weekends and evenings). • Jobs where the work must be given priority above all else. • Jobs that involve spending considerable amounts of time away from home. • Jobs that are highly competitive. • Jobs that are physically and emotionally draining (leaving you a zombie at the end of the day when you see your family). • Jobs where a gap in your career results in a major decline in your status or future prospects. Despite the fact that the extent to which working environments are adapted for working mothers varies greatly, planning a career choice around the possibility that you might start a family in the future, and want more flexible working times and attitudes, would be unwise. No one knows what the future holds. I believe that if a woman wishes to pursue a job or career, she should

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pursue the one that she is best at and from which she will gain most satisfaction, regardless of what its structure and reputation are for the working mother. Attitudes have to change, and it is only by putting pressure on the system that changes will come about. My own experience – I was one of a handful of female neurologists and the first to have a baby and carry on working full-time – shows that a traditional male-dominated world can accommodate pregnant women and mothers if it has to. I am certain that pregnant women neurologists had not appeared earlier mainly because women who wanted a family were choosing not to pursue that career because they were worried it was too male-orientated. Advice notes for those who wish to pursue a particular career: • Do not allow the possibility of having a family to put you off your plans. Most careers are prepared to accommodate working mothers, and even if you would be setting a precedent – put the career system to the test. • Begin thinking well in advance about what arrangements you would wish to have in place for the care of your children and household whilst you are absent. • Be sure of the support of your partner in your plans.

When to start or extend your family – in relation to work and personal factors Starting or extending your family will introduce new demands on the lives of you and your partner. Choosing the best time 83

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from the point of view of both your work and personal life is obviously important. Aspects of your work to consider when starting a family: • What are the hours like and how are they likely to change in the future? • Is there any flexibility in your working arrangements? • What ‘cover’ facilities are available if you are absent? • Are you expected to travel? • Are you expected to attend social gatherings regularly? • Is the career highly stressful? • Does your job require you to relocate frequently? • Do you need to be away from home regularly (e.g. weekends and nights)? • Are contacts important and would loss of these (e.g. during maternity leave) be detrimental? • Would your skills date if you took time off? • Will motherhood be viewed favourably, frowned upon or regarded with indifference? • Is this the kind of work that you can drop in and out of with ease? • Can you organise your own working hours?

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• Is there a possibility of job-sharing or part-time work? • Is there a position that overlaps with school hours and terms? • How committed are you to achieving a particular level in your career? Look at your employment arrangements in relation to maternity leave, equal opportunities, return to work, sick leave arrangement, childcare facilities, time share or part-time possibilities (see Chapter 5). Personal and financial factors to consider: • The age of the mother and father – for women in particular, the biological clock should not be ignored; female fertility declines progressively from the age of 30, and the risk of abnormal pregnancy increases sharply after the age of 35. • How secure is your relationship with your partner? • How helpful will your partner be when you are both working? • How important financially is your income to the home? • Is your home suitable for children? • How will you feel about leaving your child and returning to work? • How will you feel about someone else caring for your child? • What sort of childcare can you afford?

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• Will you be able to combine your various commitments outside work, with raising a family? • What provisions can you make for ensuring you have enough time for yourself and for your partner? • What compromises will you be prepared to make? Another factor to consider is the ultimate structure of your intended family. An idea of how many children you would like to have will help you decide when you should start a family. Other important questions include whether you plan to have children as a ‘close group’ earlier in your working life, or later; or perhaps to spread your family over several years. If you decide to have your children as a group concentrated at the beginning, middle or later part of your reproductive life, there are a number of factors to bear in mind. Having children in a group (who are close in age) Advantages: • Many things can be done as a group (children of closer age being happier to do the same kinds of things). • Catering for children of similar ages has practical advantages in terms of things needed such as push-chairs, high chairs, nappy bags etc. • The children always have each other’s company. • The sleepless nights and exhaustion is intense for a few years, but once the children have reached a certain age, the physical workload diminishes.

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•When the second or any subsequent babies arrive you are in the swing of looking after small children. Disadvantages: • The pressure is concentrated in a short period of time. • Looking after a number of small children, unless you have meticulously reliable childcare and/or a flexible working arrangement, is very demanding. • Finding childcare for more than one or two small children can be tricky. • With older children, simply ferrying to school, activities and outings can be an organisational nightmare. Having children ‘spread out’ The advantages of this for your work are that you do not have an extended period of absence from work, due to pregnancy and maternity leave, or a number of absences close together. This may mean that your progression up the career ladder, or prospects for promotion, are affected less than if you took more time off over a shorter period. You will also have children spread over a wider age range, which can have advantages for your childcare arrangements: childcare can prove simpler to organise than, for example, if all your children are of school age. Another advantage is that the older children may be able to help out in the care and entertainment of the younger ones. The disadvantages mainly derive from the fact that you will have small children to look after for longer.

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Completing a family in the earlier part of your working life (i.e. 20s) Advantages: • You have lots of energy to invest in your young family. • Provided it has not irreversibly hindered your career, you will have more time in your thirties to concentrate on your work. • Still being relatively young, you may have a wider range of options when your family is complete. • You are not too established as a working woman/couple to find the arrival of children overly disruptive. Disadvantages: • Having children close together will inevitably mean a large chunk of maternity leave, which may prevent you from establishing yourself in your career at a time when your contemporaries are forging ahead. • Returning to your workplace after a long break or a series of breaks may be psychologically difficult, especially if you find yourself competing with people younger than yourself. Completing a family in your 30s and 40s An increasing number of women in set career paths are choosing to delay having a family until they are well established in their careers, or to spread their family over a longer period. The age at which women are having families in these situations can vary from their late twenties to their early forties.

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Advantages: • You will have had more time and freedom to concentrate on your work and establish a position/name for yourself, before you have your family. • Your colleagues may have come to rely heavily on your input, and therefore may look on any absence you take as a result of starting a family more favourably; you may even find that you are able to dictate the terms on which you return to work. • You are likely to be financially better off while your children are young. • You have seen more of life and are likely to be more mature, which may increase your success as a parent. Disadvantages: • You will be older and may have less energy than you would if you had started a family earlier. • The biological ‘clock’ is ticking away, and depending on how many children you wish to have the opportunity may be diminished or lost. How well does the combination suit you? No woman can be absolutely sure how she is going to respond to the birth and development of her child or children. Just as women respond differently to different work environments (e.g. some thrive in a male-dominated career, others do not), so their reaction varies once a child arrives on the scene. Undoubtedly, having a child will affect your career and the way in which you work. It may also affect your attitude to work, and the attitudes of colleagues towards you. Being prepared for all sorts of

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changes is important. Most women who continue to work feel that their work contributes more than financial gain to the family – they often take pride in their work, and gain satisfaction and self respect from it. Usually, children do not resent their mother working, provided they feel that they get enough of her attention. Children are also surprisingly proud of their mothers who work. Taking your child on a visit to your workplace can help enormously in making them realise that they are not excluded from that part of your life; it helps them to understand where you go and what you do. ‘On seeing me go to work in a suit, Child 2 said to Child 3 “Doesn’t Mummy look important!”.’ (Elizabeth – Administrator) Having a child seldom has any adverse effect on the quality of a woman’s performance at work. In fact there is often the tendency for mothers to overcompensate in order to show that having a family will not compromise her work. Unfortunately, this often seems to be the case, so you should make sure that you are the kind of person who can manage these pressures. You may find that you waste less time at work and can work more efficiently. Having a child concentrates the mind – you become sensitive to what really matters not only in your family life, but also at work, in a way that you may not have been before. ‘With the birth of my first child, I felt as if I had to do an even better job at work as I wanted to do everything well and fulfil an image of ‘superwoman’. With the arrival of my second child I am more aware of how quickly the early years are over and am therefore much stricter about work and overworking.’ (Louise – Teacher)

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You may find that the way in which you view your work has changed with the arrival of a child. Previously, work may have assumed prime position on your list of priorities. For most mothers, even the most striving career women, this is usually no longer the case once you have a child. Work generally seems less crucial, and many women develop a more relaxed attitude towards it. This will probably not harm your career prospects and may even benefit them – I made the most rapid upward moves of my entire career between my first and second pregnancies! Once your colleagues realise you are not going to give up, and are able to make the combination work, they may treat you with a surprising amount of respect. It is worth remembering that an increasing number of your male colleagues at work will have partners who are working mothers. One consequence of combining work and motherhood is that you will definitely have less time for work-related socialising. Certain things will have to be dropped – such as visits to the pub after work. Some colleagues will view you as a party pooper, but most people understand the demands only too well. Certain jobs view such socialising, or at any rate staying late at work, as a crucial element of the job. If that is the case in your job, then you will find it difficult to feel that you are being taken as a serious member of the team if you are constantly seeking to go home at the earliest opportunity. You may find that staying late one or two evenings a week will satisfy your colleagues. On such occasions, ask your partner to get home earlier in order to spend that extra time with the children. Alternatively you can suggest other times for socialising with your work colleagues, such as when your children have gone to bed or at lunchtime. Another downside of being a working mother is that you will feel much more tired than usual. This can have an impact both on your home life and your work. I certainly found that I tended

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to work much less in the evenings after the birth of my second child. Sometimes, such fatigue goes beyond what is ‘normal’ and may indicate that you really are taking on too much. Susan

Art Psychotherapist

In order to successfully combine motherhood with work, Susan found it necessary to change employers and seek a less stressful position. Fortunately this resulted in career advancement. Although Susan regards this move as a positive step and has no regrets, she does not recommend it for everyone. She feels that a change of workplace coupled with a complete change in personal circumstances may prove to be too much to take on at once. Vanessa

Physiotherapist

Vanessa is pregnant expecting her second child. Before and during her pregnancy with her first child (now 20 months) she was a fulltime student. Vanessa had always planned to develop a career after qualifying, but has recently decided, with the support of her husband and family, to work part-time instead. This has resulted in her career being put ‘on hold’ for the time being as it is necessary for her to undertake full-time work-experience in order to complete her qualification.

Effects of having a family on your career There is no doubt that in most types of work today it is possible for women to become mothers and to continue working. But there is also no doubt that having children can often have an impact on your career progress. In some cases it is only the speed of progression that is affected, but in many others starting a family also diminishes the extent to which you can progress. Why does this happen? 1. Being pregnant itself, as described in the first chapter, may affect your capacity for work. You may simply not be able to get through 92

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as much as male or childless female colleagues. You may have to take time off because of problems related to the pregnancy. 2. Maternity leave involves time away from work. In most jobs, a short gap of two or three months does not significantly affect your career prospects, but longer gaps almost certainly will. This is especially likely to be true where the job requires rapidly changing skills or constantly nurtured client relationships; or where there is an inflexible career structure traditionally tailored for men. 3. Many women return to part-time work, which itself immediately diminishes prospects of promotion. Those who do return to fulltime work, unless they are exclusively committed to their job, will naturally wish to maximise the time each day that they can spend at home with their child. This may mean that you leave earlier than you normally would, and attend fewer work-related social functions. You may also be less keen to travel abroad for conferences or meetings or to take on ‘extra’ duties, such as serving on committees, which normally meet out of working hours. Under such circumstances some colleagues will begin to view you as no longer being a ‘full member’ of the team. In some careers, it is hard enough for single childless women to be accepted as members of male-dominated clubs – having a baby only worsens the situation. On the other hand, gratifyingly, there is an increasing number of ‘modern men’ who have children, and who are just as eager as working mothers to return home to their families. A small minority of women will find having children absolutely no impediment to their career. Indeed, for some it is taken as an advantage, demonstrating maturity, increased responsibility and worldliness. Such women tend to be highly energetic, highly motivated, and with infallible infrastructures supporting their return to work. They are extremely lucky.

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Having a child can be an enormous stimulus to reassessing your values and priorities. After a year or two of struggling with fulltime work and less-than-perfect childcare arrangements, some women find that the situation is not working. It is at this stage that they look carefully at the ‘meaning of life’ and reassess how important their career is, and how realistic their chances are of attaining their previously intended goals. Changing the direction of your work can take many forms. You may alter your longterm goals in terms of how high up the ladder you wish to go; or you may decide that you would like to work part-time; or to stop working either temporarily or permanently; or that you would like to branch out into some business of your own and become self-employed – there are endless possibilities. Changing direction should not be viewed as a failure but as a positive move that hopefully will be in the best interests of your whole family. ‘Accept that certain aspects of your life, your standards and your priorities may alter.’ (Louise – Midwife) ‘When I decided to have a second baby I suffered a miscarriage during a very stressful period at work. I made up my mind to resign from my job and I did not work for five years. I eventually returned to work when my children were four and seven and I worked mornings only. This was ideal and apart from the school holidays working 8.30am until 1pm suited my routine excellently.’ (SM – Radiographer) Whatever your preconceptions about working and motherhood, be prepared to change your mind. Your circumstances may change, your partner’s views may alter, and it may be in your own or your child’s best interest to continue or stop working depending on individual circumstances.

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5 WORK, PREGNANCY AND MATERNITY RIGHTS Practical Aspects of Working During Pregnancy Whether your pregnancy is planned or not, you will need to consider how it is going to affect your work and vice versa. At the end of the day, you have a new being growing inside you, and his or her wellbeing (and thus also your own) should be your main consideration. Therefore, think carefully about what your pregnancy involves. Your changing body Pregnancy involves many changes to your body, and sometimes also to your outlook on life. In the early phases of pregnancy you may not notice any significant changes, but there may be some that intrude on your everyday life, and that you need to be able to cope with. Normal features of pregnancy include: • Tiredness and a little shortness of breath. • You may feel nauseous for the first 12-14 weeks. • Your breasts will increase in size and you may be able to express colostrum from about 20 weeks; you may need to wear larger more supportive bras because of this, and larger tops and your breasts may feel uncomfortable. 95

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• You will need to urinate more frequently. • You may notice some pigmentation in certain parts of the stomach and face. • Your weight will increase. • Your appetite and eating pattern may alter (e.g. needing to eat more frequently; cravings for certain foods). • You may faint more easily if you stand for long periods. • You may develop varicose veins – avoid sitting cross legged; keep feet and legs elevated; wear support tights. • You may get back ache – check posture; rest and avoid undue strain. • Migraines may worsen until week 20, then disappear. • You may become constipated – eat a high fibre diet. • You may develop heartburn – avoid fatty or spicy foods and avoid lying down after eating. • You may get piles – drink plenty of water and eat fresh fruit. • You may experience mood swings or unusual placidity. All of these minor changes need to be accommodated during your working day. Consider how your current working days will be influenced by these minor changes of pregnancy.

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Some Individual Cases Lee

Tele-Communications Officer

Lee’s pregnancy affected her work by making her tired and nauseous, as well as creating problems when travelling by car. To combat these problems she worked ‘flexi-hours’, ensured that she had plenty of rest and stopped doing so much around the house. Susan

Art Psychotherapist

Susan is the single mother of a three year old child. Working during her pregnancy she encountered the common difficulties of sickness and tiredness. She advises root ginger tea to overcome morning sickness and plenty of early nights. She also believes that more often than not changes in attitudes at work can be attributed to jealousy. Jan

Civil Servant

Jan is the mother of a one year old. During her pregnancy she was affected by morning sickness and tiredness. She found that eating little and often and resting whenever possible eased these problems. Fortunately, Jan had support from her husband, who shared the chores and the shopping, as well as accompanying her on hospital visits. Sharon

Hairdresser

Sharon had decided to continue working throughout her pregnancy. Growing to a considerable size, she found it difficult working in such a public profession where the focus is centred upon appearance. She ensured that she took time to pamper herself, steering clear of maternity wear and instead opting for larger size fashion clothing so that she retained confidence in her appearance.

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Taking time off work for Antenatal Clinic visits Antenatal assessments have been one of the major reasons for an improvement in the expected outcome of pregnancy over the last 50 years. It is therefore very important that you attend these visits. Employers are required by law to allow women paid time off to do so. Think about where you would like to have your antenatal care, bearing in mind the quality of care you need, and how you will make the journey there from work. The minimum recommended antenatal visits for a woman in her first pregnancy are as follows: • Monthly visits from week 12 to week 32 gestation. • Fortnightly visits from week 32 to week 36. • Weekly visits from week 36 to term. Extra time may need to be taken for special tests such as ultrasound, amniocentesis etc. You may also like to attend various antenatal classes to help prepare you and your partner for the birth of your baby. Usually a number of alternative times are available for these, including in the early evening. Always bear in mind that more serious problems can occur during pregnancy, and these may require you to take unexpected time off work. Safety aspects of your work environment The safety aspects of your work environment are obviously important to consider if you plan to continue working during your pregnancy. Whether you work at home or in a workplace

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it may not be safe to carry on at your former rate and intensity during pregnancy. Stress and hard physical work can reduce blood flow to the uterus and may limit the growth of the baby. For pregnant women whose work does not involve special hazards or excessive physical exertion, it is probably safe to continue working for as long as you wish, but if complications do arise, you must be able to leave your work easily and quickly. Take care to avoid specific hazards Biological hazards • Exposure to infections in crowded places (e.g. avoid travel to work on a crowded train, bus or tube). • Contact with high-risk groups (e.g. school children). • Certain foods (e.g. risk of listeria in pate and unpasteurised cheese). Chemical hazards • Smoking (including passive). • Alcohol. • Gases (e.g. carbon monoxide). • Insecticides. • Solvents. • Disinfecting agents.

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Physical hazards • Ionising radiation (e.g. x-rays). • Repeated extremes of noise, vibration, heat or humidity. • Excessive muscular work or heavy lifting. • Dust. If any of these adverse conditions are present, investigate to what degree you will be able to modify your work conditions or your timetable so that these are avoided during pregnancy. Modifying your workload (planning) If you are able to predict what sort of work will need to be done over the nine months of your pregnancy, you may be able to structure your timetable so that the more tiring or hazardous tasks are completed before you get pregnant. It is also worth remembering that, in terms of safety for the developing baby, the most hazardous time is in the first 16 weeks of pregnancy, when all the baby’s organs are forming: exposure to hazardous substances during this period is particularly dangerous. In the later weeks of pregnancy, the baby is mainly growing bigger (as opposed to forming), and it is during this time that more rest is important so that blood supply to the placenta (and thus to the baby) can be maximised. So, as a rough guide: • Physically demanding work should be completed as early on in pregnancy as possible.

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• Exposure to hazards should be avoided as much as possible throughout pregnancy, but especially during the first 16 weeks. • Sedentary work should be delayed to the end of the pregnancy. • Perhaps explore the possibility of working at home for the latter weeks of pregnancy. Travel to and from work Travelling can become increasingly tiring as your pregnancy progresses. And if, for example, you have been advised to rest because of a problem with the pregnancy, then your travel arrangements will become very important. • Do you have a long journey in congested conditions (standing, close exposure to germs)? • Do you have a long walk at either end? • Do you have to carry a heavy briefcase? • Do you have to negotiate any stairs? • Is there any possibility of being taken to work by a colleague? Long distance travel Provided the journey is comfortable and unhurried, and provided the pregnancy has been uncomplicated, there is no need to restrict travelling during pregnancy until about 36 weeks; beyond that date, it is unwise to go on long journeys. Some travel companies and airlines restrict travel by pregnant women, so it is always wise to check with the individual company. 101

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‘I found I didn’t want to travel when I was pregnant, but ended up attending riots in Belfast, going to Austria on a school tragedy and France on a feature story. I gave up after an explosion at the factory killed a number of workers. Seven months pregnant I spent the whole day (12 hours) on my feet running from one end of an industrial estate to the other with a tripod on my shoulders. Very silly in retrospect.’ (JS – Senior News Reporter) Informing people about your pregnancy – who to tell and when Considering who to inform about your pregnancy and when is not merely a matter of personal preference if you are planning to continue working. If you are aware of any health reasons that indicate that you and the developing baby may need special care from the earliest stages of pregnancy, you should alert your doctor at the earliest opportunity. A visit at 12 weeks should always be made to establish a baseline from which to assess any later developments. It is worth remembering that 10-15% of pregnancies end in miscarriage and the chances of this occurring are highest in the first weeks of pregnancy. For this reason, many women prefer to keep the news to their partner and closest friends until the pregnancy is well confirmed (e.g. at around 10 weeks or after the second or third missed period). Sooner or later your employers and colleagues will need to be informed if only because you will need them to take account of your changing needs and to adjust the expectations they may have of you. Your employers will also need to be informed of your maternity leave arrangements. Eventually, even to the most unobservant eye, pregnancy becomes obvious! On the other hand, there is no point informing people of your pregnancy if you think the timing would adversely affect your prospects of promotion etc.

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‘I was only the third or fourth reporter in the company’s history to get pregnant. The news was greeted with outright horror at the time, as I had been appointed the first female reporter in years, just ten months before I had to confess. I did have great support from another woman in the office who said: “Remember, they can’t sack you for it”. Keeping that in mind kept me calm when they were being awful.’ (JS – Senior News Reporter) Looking good during pregnancy – at home and work Despite the fears of many women, pregnancy can be one of the most attractive phases of a woman’s life. Be proud of your growing abdomen. Pregnancy and fertility is more fashionable in the 90s than ever before! To make the best of your looks and comfort during pregnancy, it is important to find the right clothes and shoes. The increase in size that occurs with pregnancy affects not only the abdomen but also the breasts, feet, ankles and wrists. The earliest changes are usually in the breasts, with some women increasing by two or more sizes in the first three months. It is worth buying supportive bras with thick straps, and, if you intend to breast-feed, buying some with front opening flaps. The waistline begins to enlarge significantly from about week 14. Until then your normal skirts and trousers will probably fit; after that you will need to wear clothes that either stretch at the waist or that can be gradually let out. Loose tops will also help. Feet begin to swell a little after week 14; wear flat or low heeled shoes, or open sandals or trainers if you are able to.

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Tips for choosing your clothes: • Dark colours are more flattering than light ones. • Flowers and stripes tend to exaggerate size. • Wear elaborate neck wear or earrings if you want to detract attention from your ‘bump’ (e.g. at a presentation or conference). • Smocks and loose tops can be flattering. • Sweating is increased during pregnancy, so wear lighter, cooler clothes. • Choose clothes that will be comfortable. Finally, skin and hair may become either more oily or drier during pregnancy. As a result your make-up and hair-products may need to be altered. Keep a check on your health Every pregnant woman, especially those who continue to work, must keep an eagle eye on themselves and the developing baby. The following are good ground rules: • Eat a balanced diet with a good mix of fresh foods. • Monitor your weight gain carefully. • Avoid drugs.

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• Exercise with moderation and ensure that you have plenty of physical rest. • Avoid stress at work. Ensuring enough rest during pregnancy Rest is vital throughout pregnancy, and many pregnant women report the need not only to sit down more than usual, but also to sleep more. The blood flow to the placenta increases during periods when the mother’s own body is requiring less blood. Therefore, physical rest is particularly important in the last months of pregnancy, when the baby’s size is increasing most rapidly. If you are continuing to work, or are very active at home, ensure that you spend at least one hour a day with your feet up, feeding the baby by increasing the blood supply to the placenta. If you find sleeping difficult, especially in the last weeks of pregnancy • Try relaxation exercises. • Ask your partner to give you a massage. • Try to identify and reduce any sources of stress that might be worrying you. • Do not hesitate to ask for help. When to stop working Women vary in their views as to when they decide they would like to stop working. Sometimes you are forced to stop sooner than planned if there is a problem with the pregnancy. From a

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practical point of view, working beyond 36 weeks becomes very cumbersome and tiring, and is probably not good for the placenta, especially if the work involves prolonged standing or long hours. Many women do manage to work until the baby is born (as I did in my first pregnancy), but I would not advise this. I tried to do the same with my second pregnancy, only to find that my blood pressure rose and I was forced because of that to stop. A further practical disadvantage of working to the end of your pregnancy is that you have less time to prepare your home for the arrival of the baby. There really is a ‘nesting’ instinct as term approaches, and it seems a pity if this instinct cannot be properly indulged because of work. On the other hand, whilst stopping working earlier in pregnancy allows you more time to prepare the home and to rest, it also means that your maternity leave entitlement is ticking away before the baby is even born.

Making the most of your maternity leave Having a baby alters everything. Even people who have spent their careers looking after babies (such as nannies, nurses and paediatricians) are surprised by the experience of having a child of their own. It is important to make the most of your time with your child, but the time seems even more precious when it is limited by the prospect of returning to work. Do not believe the stories about newborn babies being in a ‘coma’, or that they do not care who looks after them for the first three months of life. In my view, the early months are especially valuable for establishing the bond between mother and child, and for getting

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the baby off to a good start in his or her development and attitudes to life. Therefore, try to make the most of this period. Learning to care for the baby The first thing you will need to do is to learn how to care for your baby. During the first few days and weeks you may feel overwhelmed by the responsibility, the fatigue, and the constant demands. The thought of even being able, physically, to return to work at some stage may seem fantastic, let alone the prospect of having family and home life sufficiently organised to do so. To make your life easier, get as much support from your partner, relatives and friends as you feel you need; learn as much as you can from others or from books about what young babies are like, and what they are likely to need. Learn from your own baby by being with him or her as much as possible. Even very tiny babies are surprisingly responsive. Ensuring enough rest and managing your time Newborn babies require constant care and attention. It is more important if you are planning to return to work to make sure that responsibilities for looking after the household and the baby are shared between you and your partner or relatives. • Allocate specific jobs to particular individuals. • Plan ahead for what you will require for the baby and the home. • Make lists.

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• Make sure you have some time to rest during each day – coinciding if possible with when the baby is sleeping. • Do not rush around the house whilst the baby is asleep trying to get things done. Some things will naturally fall by the wayside – and that is normal. • Delegate! ‘It is important to wake at a regular time and make lists of important tasks in order to make the most of your day.’ (Teresa – Factory Operative) Establishing a routine in preparation for your return to work Feeding Try and establish a feeding routine towards the end of your maternity leave that will easily adapt to your return to work. If you have been breast-feeding, it is still often possible to continue doing so after returning to work. The supply of milk is usually determined by the baby’s demand for it. Thus, if you begin to reduce your breast-feeding during the day (to tie in with working), you may still be able to feed the baby on waking and on your return from work in the evening. Bear in mind, though, that breast milk production is also sensitive to diet, rest, exercise and general health. Some women go to extraordinary measures to preserve full breast-feeding for their baby even after returning to work. There are several ways of attempting to do this: • Some women are able to return home during the day for short spells. However, this can be more disruptive to the baby’s ‘routine.’

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• Some women express milk throughout the day, then freeze it. The frozen milk can then be thawed and given to the baby in the mother’s absence. Pattern to your baby’s day It helps if there is a pattern to the baby’s day that is already in place before you return to work. It is also useful if this pattern can be established for the childcarer to follow in the early weeks. Once the baby has become accustomed to your absence, making changes to his or her routine will be less disruptive. ‘Get the child into a routine and stick to it.’ (Vanessa – Physiotherapist) Shopping times Many people do their shopping on a particular day, others shop whenever the need arises. On the whole, I think it is best to organise your week around a specific shopping day, when either you or your partner or both can do a substantial shop. Babies often enjoy shopping, especially if they can see what’s going on.

Dealing with postnatal problems Childbirth is emotionally and physically draining. After the initial euphoria there can be a period of anticlimax. Feelings of inadequacy, doubts about being able to cope, worries about your appearance, and fears of reduced success at work (being ‘left behind’) can all contribute to this feeling of anticlimax.

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Coping with tiredness In trying to deal with such negative feelings, the most important thing to beat is tiredness. The best ways of combating this are: • Sleep or rest whenever the baby naps. • Forget about doing anything that is not essential for at least four weeks after the baby is born. • Make sure your partner is involved in every aspect of the baby’s care. • Always be ready to ask for help. • Try to delegate specific tasks to partner/relative/friends. • Eat and drink a healthy balanced diet. • Start a regular exercise routine. • Do a regular relaxation regime. ‘Have time to relax when your child goes to bed.’ (Teresa – Factory Operative) ‘Have time to yourself, even if it is only 10 minutes for a cup of tea.’ (Clare – Staff Nurse) Coping with depression New mothers need emotional as well as practical help in the early weeks after the birth of a new baby. Between 50% and 80% of women feel depressed or let down after childbirth. 110

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Usually this is not a serious condition and the feelings are shortlived. However, about 10% of women are affected by more severe depression in the first 6-12 weeks after delivery. If this is not recognised and treated, the mother, her baby and her relationships may be harmed. Medical help may be required.

Your rights as a working mother A number of important legal rights are guaranteed by statute to mothers in employment. The main maternity rights at the time of going to press are: 1. The right to time off work for antenatal care. 2. The right not to be dismissed because of pregnancy. 3. The right to maternity leave. 4. The right to statutory maternity pay (SMP). Note: these rights only apply if you are an employee, and in some cases only if you have been continuously employed by your employer for a qualifying period. They are not available if you are self-employed. The first three of the above maternity rights are established by the Employment Rights Act 1996. The right to statutory maternity pay (SMP) by the Social Security Contributions and Benefits Act 1992. Some of this legislation is complicated, and this section summarises only the most important legislation that you need to be aware of.

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If your circumstances are unusual, or if you have a particular problem or doubt about your legal rights it would be wise to seek advice. Time off for antenatal care You are entitled to have reasonable time off work, with pay, to attend appointments for antenatal care. This may include medical examinations, relaxation classes and parent-craft classes. You must, if requested, provide your employer with a certificate from a doctor, midwife or health visitor confirming that you are pregnant, as well as an appointment card or other proof of each appointment. This right applies regardless of how long you have been employed. Dismissal because of pregnancy If you are dismissed from your employment and the reason or principal reason for dismissal is your pregnancy – or any other reason connected with your pregnancy – you have a right to make a complaint of unfair dismissal to an industrial tribunal. Again, this right applies regardless of how long you have been employed or whether you were employed on a full or parttime basis. For example, reasons ‘connected with’ your pregnancy would include dismissal because you will need to take maternity leave or because you are absent due to a miscarriage. Suspension on maternity grounds If the nature of your work is such that it involves a health or safety risk to you or your baby, either during your pregnancy or shortly after giving birth, your employer may suspend you from

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work while the risk lasts. If your employer has alternative work available which is suitable for you, you have a right to be offered such work before being suspended on these grounds. You are entitled to be paid during any such period of suspension, unless you have been offered suitable alternative work and have unreasonably refused to perform it. Maternity Leave Provided you give the necessary notification to your employer (see below), you have a statutory right to take maternity leave and return to your old job. There is a basic maternity leave period of 14 weeks, which is available to every employee. You are entitled to a longer period of leave if at the beginning of the 11th week before the week in which the baby is expected – which is the earliest date at which your maternity leave may start – you have been continuously employed by your employer for at least two years. In this case you may return to work at any time before the end of 29 weeks (beginning with the week in which you give birth) – giving you a maximum total period of 40 weeks (or nine months). It is a separate question whether you are entitled to be paid for some or all of your maternity leave: this depends upon the rules governing statutory maternity pay (see below) and the terms of your employment contract. Commencement of Maternity Leave As mentioned, the earliest that you can start your maternity leave is the beginning of the 11th week before your expected week of childbirth. Provided you remain fit to carry on working, however, you may start your maternity leave at any time after this date and before the birth of your child. It is up to you to

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decide when your leave will begin by notifying your employer (at least 21 days beforehand) of the date on which you intend to commence your leave. If, however: 1. You are absent from work wholly or partly because of your pregnancy at any time after the beginning of the sixth week before the week in which your baby is due or 2. You have to stop working at any time because your baby is born your maternity leave will be treated as having begun, even if you have notified your employer that you intend to begin your leave at a later date. Notifying your employer of pregnancy and leave In order to secure your right to maternity leave, you must provide your employer with the following, at least 21 days before you want to begin your leave: • Written notice of the fact that you are pregnant and of your expected week of childbirth – a medical certificate must confirm this if your employer asks for one. • Notice (which must be in writing if your employer so requests) of the date when you intend to begin your maternity leave. If it is not feasible to give this notice (e.g. if the baby is born prematurely), you must notify your employer as soon as is reasonably practicable.

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If you wish to take more than 14 weeks maternity leave (because you qualify through two or more years of continuous employment), then at the time when you notify your employers of your pregnancy and expected week of childbirth, you must also inform them that you intend to exercise your right to return to work after more than 14 weeks of maternity leave. Notifying your employers of your return to work If you intend to return to work at the end of your 14 week maternity leave period, you are not strictly obliged to notify your employer of the date on which you intend to return to work, though it is obviously sensible to do so. If you intend to return to work before the end of the 14 week period, you must give your employer at least 7 days notice of the date on which you intend to return. If you have a right to take more than 14 weeks maternity leave and have told your employer that you intend to exercise that right, then: • Your employer may ask you (no earlier than 21 days before the end of the 14 week period) to give written confirmation that you intend to return to work – in which case you must give such confirmation within 14 days of receiving the request. • At least 21 days before the date upon which you propose to return to work, you must notify your employer in writing of the date on which you propose to return. (You are subsequently entitled to postpone this date by up to four weeks if you give your employer a doctor’s certificate stating that you will be incapable of work on the notified day of return.)

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Make sure you give the required notification to your employer at the appropriate times, otherwise you will lose your statutory right to return to work. The right to return Provided that you have given the required notification to your employer, you have the right at the end of your maternity leave to return to your old job on the same terms as before. You are entitled to the benefit of any pay rise that you would have received had you not been away. As regards seniority, pension rights, and other similar rights, the period of absence is disregarded altogether and you are entitled to take up where you left off. Your absence counts as part of a period of continuous employment – so you do not have to wait another two years before having another baby to qualify for more than 14 weeks’ maternity leave on the next occasion! If during your maternity leave it has become impracticable for your employer to permit you to return to your old job by reason of redundancy, you are entitled – where there is a suitable vacancy – to be offered alternative employment which is appropriate for you on terms which are not substantially less favourable than your original job. There are restrictions on the right to return to work after the basic 14 week maternity leave period if you work for a small employer who employs 5 or fewer employees. Such an employer is not obliged to have you back if it is not reasonably feasible to permit you to return to your old job or to a suitable equivalent one. If you have the right to return to work but your employer does not allow you to do so, the remedy is to make a complaint of unfair dismissal to an industrial tribunal.

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Contractual Schemes Apart from the statutory right, which has been described, you may be entitled to maternity leave under the terms of your contract of employment. Where this is so, you may take advantage of whichever right is, in any particular respect, the most favourable. Statutory Maternity Pay (SMP) Provided that you satisfy certain conditions, you are entitled to receive statutory maternity pay from your employer. You do not have to be intending to return to work to qualify for SMP. You are entitled to SMP if: 1. You have been in continuous employment with the same employer for at least 26 weeks including (and ending with) the 15th week before the week your baby is due (this week is known as the ‘qualifying week’). 2. Your average weekly earnings for the period of eight weeks ending with the qualifying week (or the equivalent if you are paid monthly) were at or above the lower earnings limit for paying National Insurance contributions). The lower earnings limit is currently £64 per week. 3. You have become pregnant and have reached, or given birth before reaching, the beginning of the 11th week before the week your baby is due. 4. You have stopped working wholly or partly because of your pregnancy or the birth of your child.

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You will be able to get SMP even if your baby was born earlier than your qualifying week. How long is SMP paid for? You are entitled to be paid SMP for up to 18 weeks. The earliest it can start unless your baby is born prematurely is 11 weeks before the week your baby is due, but you can work right up to your baby’s birth without losing SMP. If this is the case, SMP will start from the Sunday following the week you stop work and will continue for 18 consecutive weeks or until you return to work. Keep a note of the period during which you received SMP. If you were not paying NI contributions during this period, credits may be awarded later to keep your NI record in order and entitle you to other benefits. How much is it? SMP is a weekly payment and there are two rates. The higher rate is 90% of your average weekly earnings, and is paid for the first six weeks. For the rest of the period payments are made at a lower flat rate. SMP is treated as earnings, so tax and NI contributions are payable on SMP as well as any other deductions that are normally taken out of your salary. Any contractual pay that you receive for any week of your maternity pay period goes to reduce or halt your employer’s liability to pay SMP for that week, and any SMP that you receive is counted towards any entitlement to pay for that week under your contract of employment.

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How to get SMP In order to receive SMP you must inform your employer of your intention to stop working to have your baby, giving at least 21 days notice. You must supply your employer with a maternity certificate stating the date your baby is due. This must be in the MATB1 form (supplied by your doctor or midwife). You cannot get this certificate until you reach the 14th week before the week in which your baby is due (normally the 27th week of pregnancy). You must give your employer this certificate no later than three weeks after the date the SMP was due to start. If you have more than one employer, you may be entitled to SMP from each one. However, to obtain a second maternity certificate you will have to have a second medical examination, as only one certificate can be issued (on the basis of any one examination, unless the original has been lost). Contractual Pay Schemes Your employer is not allowed to pay you less than your SMP entitlement. However, they may pay you more if that has been stipulated in your contract. If your employer does have a contractual maternity pay scheme, you will have to adhere to its rules if you wish to receive the benefits. It is therefore in your interest to find out as much as you can about any provisions in your contract governing maternity pay when planning maternity leave.

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Maternity Allowance This is a Social Security benefit paid weekly to some pregnant women who are not entitled to SMP. Usually this applies to women who have changed their employer recently or have had a break in service with a single employer, or who are selfemployed. However, you will only be entitled to maternity allowance if you have been employed or self-employed and satisfy the National Insurance (NI) contribution rule explained in the booklet “Maternity Benefits N1I7A.” If you are employed and your employers consider that they are not obliged to pay you SMP, they will return your forms and give you an SMP1 form on which they explain their reasons for refusing your application. How to claim Maternity Allowance You can claim maternity allowance when you reach the 14th week before the week in which your baby is due. Ask for a claim form at your social security office or maternity clinic. Fill it out carefully as the information you give will be used to calculate your allowance. Then send or take it to your social security office together with medical evidence of when the baby is due (MATB1 form). If you were employed and were given an SMP1 form, send this with your claim form. Make your claim as early as you can. Maternity allowance can be paid for up to 18 weeks, and the earliest it can be paid is the start of the 11th week before the week the baby is due. Rates of benefits are published each year in Social Security Regulations. More information can be obtained in the following booklets published by the Department of Social Security:

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• Maternity Rights (PL958). • Suspension from work on medical or maternity grounds under health and safety regulations (PL705). • Maternity Benefits (NI17A). • Baby benefits (FB8).

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6 CHILDCARE FOR THE UNDER 5S Deciding What You Want Finding the right childcare is probably the most difficult and agonised-over issue of all in the life of a working mother. The desire to find the best alternative to you in your absence can be a difficult and often not totally satisfying task. The attributes that one may seek in a childcarer include all those that we hope we ourselves possess and show to our children. However, at the same time, any mother is anxious that she should not be ‘replaced’ by the carer, but rather complemented by her. If the right childcarer is found, the relationship between him/ her and your child can add to your child’s experiences – supplementing the child’s relationship with parents, siblings and relatives in a very beneficial way. Most mothers have two main concerns about someone else looking after their child: 1. Concern over whether their child is being properly cared for. 2. Worry that the child may end up loving the carer more than them. Once you have decided that you wish to carry on working whilst raising a family, you must look very carefully at the type of childcare you require for your particular family structure at that 122

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particular time. Try and decide what you are looking for in the carer. Know ahead of time what your ground rules are going to be, rather than deciding them on the job. At the same time, be prepared to change your mind or alter your plans. The requirements of children change as they grow: the care you provide for your child must adapt accordingly if the situation is to continue to work for all concerned. Look carefully at what you expect the childcarer to do and be responsible for. Whilst there can be problems with childcarers being expected to do too much, there can also be the reverse problem – where a carer finds she does not have enough to do to fill her time. Such situations can lead to loss of interest in the job. Related to the question of what type of childcare you will require is the cost involved. This chapter is devoted to childcare for children under five years of age. I will start by outlining the differing needs of children at different ages, with a summary of the type of care they require. This will be followed by a description of the main types of childcare that are available. There are also tips about what to look for in assessing a carer, how to monitor their performance, and how to be a good employer.

What babies and children need at different ages It goes without saying that children of all ages have certain needs in common: • They need to have a varying range of things done for them and to be kept safe. • Signs of ill health or unhappiness need to be checked for. • They all require love and attention. • They require patience and deserve to be treated with respect. 123

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A child’s degree of independence increases with time. Until the age of at least two and a half years, children will be based in the home or in a home-type environment (e.g. childminder’s home or nursery). After that age, other options such as nursery school become possibilities. Later still, the child will enter full-time school and will be much more self-sufficient and independent but will still need guidance, help and supervision. Until the age of about two years, the child is not able to communicate well enough to tell you what has gone on during the day. Therefore, judging how happy a child is, or how well he/she is being looked after in your absence, has to be based on looking at the overall wellbeing of the child. Consider his/her behaviour with the carer, the response of the child when the handover takes place, and other signs, such as the child’s cleanliness. Very small baby (<3 months) Babies below three months require constant attention. They can do virtually nothing for themselves and their needs have to be actively thought about and attended to throughout the day. They are also already developing mentally and are learning about the world around them. Babies of this age survive on milk that unless from the breast - has to be carefully prepared. Very small babies: • Cannot feed themselves. • Dirty their nappies. • May get uncomfortable. • Cannot express their needs verbally – but they cry and need comforting. 124

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• Need to be cuddled, held, talked to, played with and stimulated. • May or may not sleep much of the day and night. • Need to be dressed, bathed and changed. • Need to have their safety monitored all the time. The care of a small baby also requires a great deal of ‘baggage’ – nappies, cleansing lotions, milk bottles, sterilisers etc. Qualities to look for in a carer Caring for such small children is hard work, intensive and allows only snippets of time to do other things. The carer should be able to provide the necessary attention. It is desirable that the carer is either experienced or trained in the care of small babies, or both. Baby aged 3-8 months At this age constant attention is still required. The baby: • Is more used to objects and faces. • Is much more interested in his surroundings and will begin to sit up with assistance. • Can roll over. • Has started on solids, and may begin to show likes and dislikes for foods. • Is very eager to interact with his or her environment.

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Qualities to look for in a carer The carer should again ideally be experienced or trained in the care of small babies. Special baby foods still need to be prepared and the baby dressed, bathed and changed. The baby’s increasing activity, mobility and interest leads to a wider range of possibilities for the carer: these include reading, interesting play and expeditions (e.g. to singing/music clubs). Baby aged 8 months–1 year At this age babies are now becoming much more mobile and their safety has to be closely guarded. • Babies can now sit and begin to stand. • Most babies are crawling. • Some will even have learned to walk. • The baby will respond to his name and begins to understand conversation and make ‘meaningful’ noises. • Concentration on toys and eagerness to play interactive games increases. • The baby may be feeding himself from a cup and can chew. • The baby enjoys repetitive play and shows interest in picture books. • Babies may be shy, especially of strangers. • Babies like exploring things and places.

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Qualities to look for in a carer The carer must be on guard constantly, with eyes in the back of their head, but at the same time not hinder the child’s natural curiosity! Ability and willingness to engage in stimulating play and to read to the baby is important. The carer should organise interesting activities and outings. Baby aged one year–18 months At this age the baby: • Is very mobile – walking. • Can creep upstairs. • Can play with a ball and pull toys. • Can take off some clothes and turn pages of books. • Likes to scribble. • May say several words or simple sentences. • First signs of toilet control – with only the occasional accident by 18 months in some children. Qualities to look for in carer The carer must have all the attributes previously mentioned, but attention to physical and mental development is vital. As the baby will be doing new things all the time, the carer must be observant and able to report back to the parent about how the child is developing.

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Child aged 18 months–2½ years The child now: • Walks upstairs and can run. • Begins to jump and walk on tiptoe. • Can undo lids, turn knobs and begin to dress and undress. • Can learn to carry things and assist in jobs e.g. laying the table. • Plays alongside others or on his own. • By 2½ years can use the potty or toilet by themselves. • Around 2-2½ years may begin to say ‘no’ to everything! • Talks constantly and asks questions. • Enjoys short expeditions to toddler’s clubs (singing, music, babygym etc.) and playgrounds/zoo etc. Qualities to look for in a carer As well as possessing the attributes described above, the carer should have plenty of energy and be eager to help enhance the child’s experiences in the best possible way. The day falls into a more regular routine and scribbling-writing, play-school, sand and water activities become important types of activity.

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Child aged 2½–4 years old At this age: • The child’s personality is developing and the child will be showing strong likes and dislikes. • It may be desirable to attend a nursery school or playgroup if the child is not getting sufficient stimulation at home. • Interaction with other children is important – again nursery school/ playgroup can be valuable especially if the child does not have a circle of other children of the same age to play with. • Children can now communicate much more and will usually let you know their feelings. Qualities to look for in a carer The carer will need to have all the attributes described in earlier sections, and will need to be organised, energetic and flexible; they will also need to enjoy being with older toddlers and children. If the children attend a nursery or playgroup the carer may need to be able to drive.

Choosing the right care for your child Before you set out to choose care for your child, it is helpful to be sure in your own mind exactly what you expect to find in the carer. It is clear that the person who is most suitable may vary according to the age of your child, and your child’s particular personality and needs.

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Carers of very small babies clearly need to enjoy looking after babies and doing babyish things. It is also desirable that they should be either trained or experienced or both in caring for small babies. They need to be warm and have plenty of common sense. For the older baby, a more active person but one who still loves children is suitable. Someone who is interested in the child’s development and likes getting involved in activities is ideal. Whether or not the person is able to drive may also be a consideration. Basic qualities required in any carer Whilst the qualities desired in a carer will alter slightly according to the age of the child, there are some fundamental attributes that every childcarer should have: • They must be able to provide a safe environment. • Love and understanding of children. • They should enjoy being with children and engaging in activities that interest children. • Basic cooking skills. • Common sense. • Patience. • They must be reliable, trustworthy and honest. • They should be willing and happy to communicate with you on any aspect concerning your child. • They need to be organised and unflustered. 130

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It also helps if the carer has similar views on child raising to you, or if not, that the carer is happy to follow your approach where your child is concerned. ‘Extra’ qualities that may be desirable in a childcarer Innumerable additional (though not vital) qualities that are desirable in a childcarer can also be listed, including, for example that the carer is: • Intelligent. • Good at educational play. • Musical. • Energetic. • Tidy. • Happy to ‘muck-in’ with other aspects of the household. • Flexible. • Someone for whom nothing is too much trouble. • Emotionally mature. • Sensitive to your requirements and wishes. • Loyal.

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‘A mother should look for an ability to cope with every aspect of childcare in a carer: mature, not easily panicked, able to cope with illness etc.’ (Cara Lewis – Library Assistant) ‘A carer must have a good attitude towards the children, be caring, understanding and trustworthy.’ (Vivienne – Nurse)

Childcare options Depending on your hours of work, home circumstance and your finances, all or some of the following options (or a combination of them) may be available to you. 0-5 years: • Parent. • Nanny. • Au pair or mother’s help. • Childminder. • Nursery. 3-5 years: All of the above plus nursery school or playgroup for part of the day.

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5-11 years: School during term times for much of each day. At other times: • Parent. • Nanny. • Au pair or mother’s help. • Childminder. • After school care. • Holiday play centres. Factors that will affect your choice: • Your personal preferences. • The age and personality of your child. • Your circumstances (hours of work, finances, size of house etc.). • What is available locally. • Convenience (overlapping holidays, flexibility, sickness). One of the most important factors – apart from cost and availability – is whether you wish to have your child looked after in your own home or not. Having decided what your criteria are, and what situation you think would be best for you and your child, you have to set about the task of finding the right person or situation.

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The main choices for childcare Childcare in your home • Live-in nanny (full or part-time). • Daily nanny (full or part-time). • Temporary nanny – daily or live-in. • Nanny share. • Live-in mother’s help (full or part-time). • Daily mother’s help (full or part-time). • Au pair. Childcare out of your home • Childminder. • Day nursery (private or state). • Crèche or nursery at work. • Nursery school.

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The advantages and disadvantages of having your child looked after at home Advantages: • The child has a familiar environment. • The child has his/her own toys and belongings. • The child can nap in his own bed. • The child can play in his own garden (if you have one). • The child can have friends to visit. • The carer can give your child their full personal attention. • The carer is accountable only to you and you can expect them to follow your instructions. • It is more convenient – you do not have to take the child somewhere else and collect him at the end of the day - an advantage for both child and parent. • You have more control over what happens during the day. • There is usually no problem when the child is ill. • The availability of care does not depend on the age of the child. • There is no problem in school holidays. Disadvantages: • Nannies are expensive. • The carer may decide to leave unexpectedly. 135

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• There is usually no one else to monitor how the nanny/au pair is carrying out her duties. •There may be no other children of similar age to yours. • Frequently it involves having someone living in your house. The advantages and disadvantages of a nursery or childminder Advantages: • There are other children around to play with. • With nurseries the care does not depend solely on one person. • Whilst private nurseries can be as expensive as a nanny, state nurseries and childminders are usually considerably cheaper. • Once you have a place, there is little chance of the situation changing if you are happy with it, whereas a nanny can decide to leave. This means that the prospect of stability is greater. Disadvantages: • The child is not in his own home. • There are usually rigid hours that can be difficult to keep to all the time. • Sick children cannot be looked after. • You have less control over what happens during the day. • Usually there is an upper age limit of children that are accepted. • Some nurseries’ hours may not fit in with yours. 136

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General advice, whatever the choice • Make sure you thoroughly research the option. • Leave plenty of time in which to make your selection. You may like to: reflect on a person or place; have a second or third interview; have the opportunity to see the person/people at work. • Interview the person or personnel carefully. • Make sure that you check all references personally; never rely on an agency, or any one else, to do this all for you; if possible obtain a reference from someone whose opinion you trust. • Ideally, arrange for a period of overlap, when you can be present too. • Research what the cost will be. • Make sure that both you and the childcarer know exactly what you expect of each other and, if possible that the terms are recorded in writing. • Make sure that arrangements for holidays, sickness (of carer, child or parent) are clear.

Being An Employer Having a nanny, mother’s help or au pair immediately places you in the role of an employer. Therefore you as the employer are responsible for paying her salary, keeping a record of national insurance contributions and income tax, as well as providing pay slips for your nanny showing all deductions made on her behalf. This aspect of childcare can be incredibly time-consuming, 137

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although there are organisations that can help you with this (e.g. Nannytax). Childminders are self-employed and are therefore responsible for their own National Insurance and tax.

NANNIES AND MOTHER’S HELPS Parents are sometimes put off by the idea of having someone in their home, especially if the person will be living in. Some people are also uncomfortable with the prospect of employing someone in that sort of position: but remember, most nannies and mother’s helps are proud of their work and you should treat them in a professional way. In this section, emphasis is placed on nannies – what to look for in your nanny, how to choose her, how to live with your nanny and how to monitor her success. However, most of the advice applies equally well to any other kind of mother’s help. Having a nanny has many advantages and is probably the most convenient of all childcare options. Nannies, like employers, come (metaphorically and literally) in all shapes and sizes. Have an idea what sort of person you are looking for and what qualities you desire most in the person. A nanny is probably most suited to the care of a young child, aged four or below, who requires full attention and a great deal of entertainment. This is the age of child where a nanny can utilise her skills and knowledge to their best effect, and where she is kept most occupied. Nannies may find that when caring for older children their time is no longer fully occupied by the children, with other duties (such as shopping and ferrying to and from school) – which the nanny may find less interesting – taking up more of their time. Nannies usually feel most comfortable where they are in sole charge of the child. A nanny may be a necessity for a mother who works full-time and has unpredictable or long hours.

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Before you employ a nanny you should give thought to the following: • How you will cope with the turbulent emotions that may develop when your child is cared for so personally by someone else. • Exactly what you will expect from the nanny in her duties. • How you will manage being an employer. • Whether you want the nanny to live in or out. • How much you are prepared to pay. • What the job is going to involve in minute detail. • What experience and qualifications you will expect. • What sort of additional qualities you desire. • How you will go about finding the nanny (advert, word of mouth, agency). • How you will assess the potential candidates (interview, references, trial period). Another important consideration is what age nanny you will accept. Young inexperienced nannies may get homesick; they may not be used to living in a busy town; but they will also usually be more flexible and ready to follow your every word. Young nannies also tend to have more energy. Older nannies may be more experienced (especially reassuring for the first time mother), but they will also be more set in their ways; it can also be more difficult for some women to act as employers of other women who are either close in age or even older than 139

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themselves. Older nannies may also be more reliable and prepared to stay for longer. Nanny sharing If you are going to share a nanny with another family, consider how well you get on with the other family; whether you share their views on important matters, such as where and how the children will be looked after etc. Ideally you should share the nanny with a family you already know and like. Other ways of finding a family include advertising through The Lady, National Childbirth Trust, working mothers groups and schools. Some nanny agencies can also find a family for you. Consider practical details such as the ages of the children (a spread of ages is easier to deal with than, for example, two small babies) and whether they like each other. You may have to share costs such as high chairs, double buggies etc. Consider in which house the children will be cared for. How will the demands of each family balance out? Can you coordinate your holidays? What will happen when one family wants to withdraw from the arrangement? Make sure you have an agreement about notice. What you can expect from a nanny The main role of a nanny is someone to look after your children in your home. Nannies are usually female, although there is an increasing number of male nannies available. Normally a nanny will expect to undertake only nursery duties, although other arrangements can be discussed. She or he should either be trained in the care of children (with appropriate qualifications such as the NNEB or B-Tech) or should have a minimum of two

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years experience in the care of children of the appropriate age – ideally they will have both. Whilst qualifications are not strictly necessary to make a good nanny, they do show quite a lot about the person’s commitment to the profession, and give you an indication of their level of intelligence. The most common course, the nursery nurse’s National Nursery Examination Board (NNEB) takes two years to complete, and most applicants have some GCSEs at entry. More than half the time is spent learning about looking after children from birth to age seven. All aspects of childcare and development are covered, as too is the relationship between nanny and employer. The rest of the time is spent on shortterm placements such as in nurseries, paediatric and maternity wards and sometimes with a family. Especially in the case of a first time mother, leaving your children with someone who you know has been trained in the care of children can be very reassuring. However, whilst qualifications may show commitment, they are not everything. The nanny’s common sense, experience and personality are equally vital. It is also important to know that your nanny has a lasting relationship with previous charges and their parents, or that she comes from a happy family. In addition to qualifications and experience, there are particular qualities that you would almost certainly like to find in your nanny. She should: • Love all children, especially yours. • Respect your position as their mother and not try to replace you. • Be reliable.

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• Be loyal. • Be prepared to stay with you for as long as you desire. • Have limitless energy and be generally healthy. • Be dynamic and have lots of ideas for educational play and fun things to do with the children. • Always tell you what she is planning to do with the children and how they have spent the day. • Tell you every development she has noticed. • Be a healthy, appetising cook. • Be alert to and respectful of your sensitivities. • Deal with naughtiness and behavioural difficulties in a sensitive, mature and firm way. • Follow your approach to potty training, feeding etc. • Time her holidays to overlap with yours. • Be emotionally solid.

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Live-in or live-out? Few people relish the prospect of having someone from outside the family living in the same house day and night. In some lucky circumstances families can provide a nanny flat which allows both the nanny and the family privacy but at the same time provides all the conveniences of having a ‘live-in’ nanny. Most people are not so fortunate and the other options are a nanny who has a room in your home or a daily nanny. The pros and cons of having a live-in nanny Advantages: • You will have someone on site without risk of her being late or not turning up for work; most nannies are also happier to carry on working if mildly ill as they do not have to travel to work. • Baby-sitting is often easier to arrange. • Overall the costs are less. Disadvantages: • You will have someone living with you and will have to give up a spare room. • There will be intrusions on your privacy and family life. • Living costs and bills will be higher (but this will be offset by the lower salary that the nanny will require). • There may be irritations from her behaviour, late nights, loud TV, taking too long in the bathroom etc.

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• There may be problems with boyfriends or emotional difficulties that you will be dragged into. The pros and cons of having a live-out (daily) nanny Advantages: • You will not have someone in your house all the time: when you come home she will go and leave your child to your sole care. • Household bills will be lower. • Minor irritations such as those mentioned above will be avoided. • There is less chance that you will have to contend with boyfriend or other emotional problems. • There will not be the risk of your child wanting to ‘go and see’ the nanny during her time off. Disadvantages: • The overall cost will be higher. • The nanny may be late or not turn up for work. • Minor illness may prevent her from coming to work. • Baby-sitting may need more careful planning and you will have to return from an evening out in good time to allow the nanny to make her way home.

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Employing a nanny When to begin looking Maternity leave flies by. Allow yourself at least eight weeks to find a nanny, even though it may take much less time. You need to have time to place your advert or register with agencies. Replies may take up to two weeks to start coming in. You then have to interview and chase references. The person or people you most like may need to be interviewed again. They may need to give one or two months notice from their current job. You may want to allow some time for ‘overlap’ before you return to work and your nanny takes sole charge of your baby. How to find your nanny There are four main ways to find a nanny: 1. Advertise in a national paper or magazine. 2. Register with nanny agencies. 3. Word of mouth. 4. Local advertising. Advertising nationally In the UK, the magazine most widely read by nannies looking for work is The Lady. Another useful one to look at and think about is Nursery World. These weekly magazines include pages of advertisements for nannies, and by nannies looking for work. They are also where many agencies advertise.

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Have a good look at the different types of advertisements before you place your own. The advantage of placing your own advert is that you have full control over which applicants you choose to interview. You also avoid agency fees which can be expensive. However, the onus is on you to ‘weed out’ the unsuitable applicants, to chase references, and to conduct interviews. Having said that, even if you go through an agency, you should never rely solely on someone else to do these things for you. There is also the initial cost of placing the advert to take into account. When phrasing your advertisement, consider the following: • The kind of help you need (nanny, mother’s help; full or parttime; live in or live out; nanny share etc.). • Mention the ages of your children (but not their names). • Give a brief description of the type of work you want the nanny to undertake (e.g. sole charge, shared care etc.). • Think of the type of person that you are trying to attract. • Mention any essential features (such as being trained/experienced, non-smoking, driver etc.). • Be wary of putting down too many baits such as ‘own car’, ‘selfcontained flat’ etc., as this may attract the wrong kind of person. • It is also wise to avoid mentioning salary – keep this open for discussion according to experience, age etc. However, be sure in your own mind what sort of figure you are prepared to offer.

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Finally, decide on how you are going to be contacted. Never give your name, address or the names of your children in the advert. By far the easiest and quickest (and most effective) way to be contacted is by telephone on a number where you can be reached directly. Indicate when you can be reached. You can learn quite a lot just by speaking to someone on the phone. You can quickly find out what sort of things they are interested in and what they have done. Be wary though, that there are some strange people out there. Vet your callers carefully and never give away too much information about you or your family on the phone. Using a box number has several advantages: you do not give away even your telephone number and you can vet all the applicants by letter. You also learn quite a lot about people from how they write. However, this is a time consuming method, and you will probably attract fewer applicants. On the other hand, those who do apply will have taken the trouble to write. Using an agency Agencies for nannies, au pairs, mother’s helps etc. abound, and there are new ones springing up all the time. Although larger agencies may be more established, smaller agencies may posses the advantage of a personal approach to placing their nannies. Most agencies advertise in The Lady or The Yellow Pages. Some agencies specialise in certain parts of the country and in certain types of nanny (e.g. part-time, daily etc.). Some agencies simply work on a list basis where they mail you their current list and make a small charge for this. But most agencies will take your details and find out what kind of help you are looking for. They will also need to know what you are prepared to offer in terms of salary, accommodation, perks etc.

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They should then try and match you appropriately with nannies on their books. The agency should vet the nanny for you. This should include acquiring a full CV, interviewing the nanny, and chasing references (preferably speaking to previous employers on the phone). It is important to ask how they select their candidates– agencies vary widely in what they actually do and whom they will accept on their list. Remember that agencies are not infallible – you must always interview a prospective nanny/mother’s help personally, and double-check their references. Agencies are expensive. They charge the employer and not the nanny. It is in their interest to make a placement! How the charges are made will vary; most will only charge once the placement has been successful for more than a set number of weeks. The rates usually vary between two and five weeks salary. Many agencies will agree to replace the nanny free of charge if the arrangement turns out to be unsatisfactory, within a certain time limit. Agencies are useful when you need temporary or urgent help, such as filling in between permanent employees or being unexpectedly left without a nanny (desertion or illness). Word of mouth/local advertising Finding a nanny by word of mouth or through local advertising follows the same basic pattern as for advertising in a national magazine. Nanny colleges can also provide a list of their recent graduates who are interested in finding work. Remember that these will be newly qualified.

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Interviewing a prospective nanny Initial telephone screening Unless you have taken a box number, the initial screening of applicants will generally be done by phone. If you decide you like the sound of the person you can invite them to come for an interview. As soon as your advert has been published, get ready for the calls. Keep a list of potential questions by the phone, and have your answers ready for any questions they may have. Have a pad of paper and pencil ready to write down their details and things you liked or disliked about them; their experience etc. I allocated a separate page to each caller and then used this to refer to if I interviewed them in person. Questions you will want to ask on the phone: 1. Name, address and contact number. 2. Previous experience – ages and number of charges and length of stay in jobs. 3. Qualifications. 4. Plans for the future. 5. Salary expectations. 6. Current position. 7. Reasons for leaving previous job(s). 8. Whether they drive, smoke etc. (even if already covered in advert). 149

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Interviewing in person Most interviews take place in the family home. Give each applicant that you decide to interview an appointment time. Offer to reimburse the fare if the applicant has had far to come. Remember this is an important matter and allow enough time for each candidate. I allowed an hour at least, with 30 minutes between appointments. Make a list of all the questions you want to ask. Have the notes you made on the phone and a job description of the post you are offering ready, so that you can go over them with her. If you are interested in the person, give her a job description sheet to take away with her. General points: • Remember that most prospective nannies will be nervous. • Note whether she was on time, and how she presents herself. • Note her general demeanour and manner. • Introduce yourself and ask simple questions. • Go over things you discussed on the phone and check for any inconsistencies. You will need to cover the following information in detail: • As much as you can about her home and background, values, hobbies and ambitions. • Her personal circumstances, including whether she has a boyfriend. 150

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• Watch how she responds to you and how well you can ‘read’ her. • Assess her feelings for other children she has cared for, and how she talks about previous employers. • Question carefully her knowledge and common sense by giving specific examples: for example, what she knows about child nutrition, potty training; what safety aspects in the home would she think of etc. • Ask her how she was disciplined as a child herself and how she would deal with a naughty child; what does she think of smacking? Then explain your own views; see how she responds. • Ask her how she would go about finding out about things to do with the child in the neighbourhood, and what activities she would do with them. • Check over her CV carefully; check her driving licence, ask to see original certificates, and require details of any gap in her history. • Try and find out if she has any ‘quirky’ beliefs or practices. • Ask about her health, allergies etc. • Go over in detail the job description preferably with a draft contract including a list of duties, holidays, house rules (regarding smoking, boyfriends, tidiness, noise etc.), emergency cover and baby-sitting. • Tell her about your family, your values, what you expect, what kind of working relationship you would like to have. • Tell her what your own job involves – what your hours are like, if you travel etc.

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• Make sure she understands the job, and ask her if she has any questions. Introduce her to your child and see how they interact. Show her round the house and the accommodation that would be available if she were to live in. Try to imagine whether your child is going to like being with her. If possible, once you have made your final choice, invite the person that you have chosen for a second or third interview, or to spend an afternoon with your child, before offering the job. Finally, check all references personally; you should be offered references from every job she has done – if not, investigate. Written references are not enough: they can be forged, also some employers are reluctant to write what they really think if they know that the nanny will read it. Ring up as many previous employers as you can. Remember to use your own judgement if there have been problems with previous employers. There are bad employers as well as bad nannies. What to ask previous employers: • Was the nanny safe and reliable? • Did she cope in a crisis? • How did she relate to the children? Were they happy? • What was her health like? • How long did she stay and why did she leave? • Were there any specific problems? • Would they employ her again? 152

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Offering to employ the nanny Once you have made up your mind which person you like best, ring her up and offer her the job. Finalise issues such as salary, start date etc. Follow up the conversation with a letter of employment or contract. This should cover hours of work, basic duties, pay, holidays, sick leave, extra duties (such as baby-sitting), emergency cover, restrictions on working for other employers (‘moonlighting’), any trial period and requirement for giving notice of termination of service etc. It should also detail additional activities you expect the nanny to do with your child; house rules (regarding boyfriends, smoking, late nights, noise etc.); permitted ways of dealing with naughtiness – discipline; what to do in an emergency; contact numbers of you and your partner and emergency services including doctor and hospital. Make sure that you stipulate whether the salary is net or gross of tax and National Insurance and includes a notice period. Monitoring the success of your nanny Getting the relationship right with your nanny is important to her success. There is a tricky balance to be maintained when employing someone to care for your child; on the one hand you want her to know who is boss, but at the same time she is caring for your children in your absence and you want her to be nice to them. Becoming too friendly with your nanny and letting her know all your secrets is never wise – things can go wrong and these can be turned against you. Too much familiarity may also breed loss of respect (if not contempt). Keeping a polite, safe distance, with a professional relationship is probably the best approach. The rules that you set must depend on what you and your partner think is appropriate. Do you encourage the nanny to share the evening meal with you or to have a drink when friends come round? Think about these things beforehand.

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Try as much as possible to stick to the arrangements and commitments that you made to the nanny when you employed her, and then you can justifiably expect her to stick to what you expected of her. You will want to be sure you have made the right choice. This certainty will only come with time, and sometimes it can take much longer than you would expect to discover that the choice was not right. Gauging if the situation is working There are three main ways of gauging how well the nanny is doing her job: 1. Your child’s general happiness and wellbeing – also listen to what your child says about the nanny (if talking) and watch how your child responds to her. 2. Your own gut feeling and objective measures of how the nanny is carrying out her duties. 3. How much the nanny seems to be enjoying the job, and how ‘involved’ in the child’s life she seems to be. Mutual trust and respect is the root of the happiest employer/ nanny relationships. But this takes time to develop. Praise your nanny where it is deserved, but do not overdo it. Complacency can develop especially where a nanny is in sole charge with no one to supervise her hour by hour. In addition, you will occasionally hear from other parents or nannies or another home-helper (such as a cleaner) information and opinions about how good, indifferent or bad your nanny is. Be constantly on the look out for complacency or standards

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dropping; someone who started off fantastically may lose interest, become bored, and yet still be able to carry out the fundamental duties. Whilst this sort of person may not be harming your child, the situation is not ideal. Be prepared to raise problems or potential problems for discussion, and tell the nanny that she should feel free to do so too. Ask your children: • How they spent their day and if they went anywhere. • If they like being with the nanny. • What she does if she gets cross or they do something naughty. • If they like the people that they meet during the day. • Whether anyone comes to the house. • What they most like doing with the nanny and what they think she is good at doing. ‘I employed a nanny when I returned to work with my first child. In the early months it was impossible to monitor the situation from my daughter’s perspective as she was too young. I made spot checks by telephone.’ (Sara) Be alert to how much time the nanny spends socialising with her friends. At the same time try to ensure that she is not becoming too isolated.

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Relationship between nanny and your child Many mothers fear that their child will grow to love the nanny more than themselves – in practice this rarely happens. If you have a good loving relationship with your child, the nanny will only serve to compliment that relationship, like an aunt or older sister. Very often, a nanny will do things with the child that you are unlikely to do yourself, or could not do so well (this works the other way round as well). Do not be afraid if your child loves the nanny and vice versa – be glad of the fact. Problems Very often problems will arise in such an intimate relationship as that which exists between employer and nanny. They may range from small irritations to major disasters. As soon as you notice a problem, air it immediately – do not let it fester or become worse. If it is something relatively minor but irritating, confront it and hope that it can be dealt with. If it is more serious, first see whether the nanny has a suitable explanation, or at any rate give her the chance to give her side of the story. However, do not allow an unsatisfactory situation to continue longer than necessary. There are some instances where immediate sacking is perfectly legitimate and necessary – e.g. where the nanny has endangered your child, been dishonest or abused your trust. The nanny who leaves Hopefully, any nanny who leaves will be doing so on good terms. Under these circumstances, though, the wrench for your children (and the nanny and parents) is likely to be the greatest. You may even feel hurt that the nanny has decided to leave. Especially where the relationship has been a success, the

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departure of a nanny comes as a blow and you may worry you will never find an adequate replacement. If the relationship between your child and the nanny has been close, and if the child is at a vulnerable age, the separation can be traumatic. Therefore, any change should be handled carefully and with full explanation to the child. Where possible, the change should be made gradually, perhaps with a new nanny coming in to overlap, or one parent spending some time at home when the new nanny begins. The departing nanny may agree to come and visit a few times shortly after leaving, so that the child does not feel abandoned. Sometimes, the departure of a nanny is not so amicable. Where there has been disagreement, or loss of trust, there can be a great deal of ill feeling, which is difficult to hide from the children. Whilst there may be aspects of the nanny that you discovered were totally unacceptable, it serves no purpose to let the children know to what extent the nanny was unsuitable – they will wonder how you could have left them with such a bad person. Explain as much or as little as you think is in their interests. If the departure of a nanny has been sudden and traumatic, try and make arrangements to stay at home with the children until a suitable new carer can be found. ‘Apart from my long and sometimes unpredictable hours I was lucky with my childcare. I had an extremely efficient and enthusiastic nanny and one who was entirely dependable. She loved my baby but not to the extent that I felt jealous or excluded. Indeed when Christopher became a toddler he would open the door for the nanny to leave the moment I returned from work!

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‘For two days per week I shared the nanny with a friend who lived opposite. This was a wonderful arrangement. She spent one of the days at her house and one in ours. This proved very advantageous financially and in providing excellent company for the babies.’ (SM – Radiographer) ‘We’ve been very lucky so far with childcare. In nearly nine years we’ve had three carers. None of them were qualified nannies, but we were very clear about what we wanted them to do and have tried to pay them well. At present we have a young mother who brings her two year old with her. There is no secret to success with childcare. You just have to do what makes you comfortable and your child happy and not take risks with it. It is also wonderful if you have some emergency family or friend back-up.’ (JS – Senior News Reporter) ‘I encountered numerous problems with my childcare but fortunately none were too serious. I would advise any mother looking for a nanny to look for professional and personal stability and maturity.’ (Sara)

Claire

Staff Nurse

Supported by her husband and her family, Claire set about recruiting a nanny to care for her two young children. With the help of an agency and personal interviewing, Claire successfully recruited the person who best suited her children. Although she was happy leaving her children with the nanny, she did feel guilty ‘for a short time!’ In order to keep a check on things 158

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Claire sometimes phoned home during the day. She also monitored the general wellbeing of her children by keeping a close eye on their behaviour and making sure that there were no unexplained changes. Claire believes that her children’s initial response to a prospective childcarer is a good indication of how they will get on in general.

AU PAIRS Au pairs are not nannies. They should be treated appropriately and with the right expectations. They are not usually trained in childcare, and some have had no experience of looking after small children. They should never be thought of as a solution to your childcare arrangements if you work full-time. Au pairs are usually foreign, single girls or students who come to live with a family, usually for a few months, often with the aim of seeing the country and learning English. They can be expected to work up to a maximum of 30 hours work per week (roughly five hours per day). Their duties can include light domestic work such as house cleaning, shopping, ironing and perhaps some cooking. They are usually expected to be involved in childcare, including two or three nights baby-sitting per week. Au pairs are an ideal solution for the working mother of older children, who needs someone to look after the children after school and to get them some tea. But they are not so suitable during holiday times when the hours of childcare might be longer. The au pair must receive something in return for these services. This usually includes full board and lodging, with the au pair living very much as part of the family. She will also be given some ‘pocket money’ and allowed free time to attend college or 159

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courses. Do not expect to be able to leave your child in the sole charge of the au pair for more than a few hours per day. Au pairs also may not have lived away from home before. Usually they are young and therefore not necessarily independent. In some cases, having an au pair can resemble having an extra teenage daughter to think about. Home backgrounds can vary enormously – some will have come from homes where they have never had to do any domestic work at all and will need to be taught exactly what to do. Finding an au pair As with nannies, agencies specialise in placing au pairs. The Yellow Pages and The Lady also have advertisements. Whatever route you use, familiarise yourself with Home Office regulations regarding the employment of a foreign girl as an au pair. When selecting an au pair, use all the intuition and judgement that you would apply when interviewing a nanny, but remember that your expectations should be different. An au pair is unlikely to be looking after your child whilst you are at full-time work, so you will not expect so much of her. You will be around much of the time when she is doing her duties. Unfortunately because most au pairs live abroad, it is often not possible to interview them in person, before they arrive. Bear in mind that many au pairs will not speak English very well – and this may affect how they cope in an emergency, using the telephone etc.

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CHILDMINDERS A childminder is someone, usually a mother herself, who is paid to look after children in her own home for more than two hours a day. There are strict regulations about what a childminder can do and who can call themselves a childminder. A childminder who looks after children must by law, be registered by her local Social Services Department and she should also be covered by a Public Liability Insurance. If this is an option you are considering, it is important to contact the Social Services Department (who require their set-up to be assessed and monitored) and receive a certificate of registration, in order to find out who the registered childminders in your area are, and the regulations regarding their activities. Then, when you come to choosing one you will know what to look out for. A childminder is not allowed to look after more than three children under the age of five years, including her own. Only one of these should be under the age of one year, although there are exceptions such as with twins. Somewhat amazingly, though, a childminder is allowed to look after an additional three children between the ages of five and eight. As with all forms of childcare, there are good and bad childminders. If you can find someone suitable, a childminder can be a good choice for a working mother.

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Potential advantages of childminders include the following: • Childminders are usually experienced in the care of children. • The children are cared for in a home setting, with other children of similar ages. • Appropriate toys and educational activities should be available. • Baby equipment etc. may be available in the home. • If the childminder lives in your local area, you may have the added benefit of continuity if she is prepared to see your child/children through to school. • Childminders are also usually considerably cheaper than many of the other options. • The time at which you pick up the child can also often be flexible. • They may continue to care for your child during school holidays (see next chapter). Disadvantages are: • Your child is left in another home, where the environment and approach to childrearing are not easy to influence. • Your child is exposed to other children (not of your choosing) on a regular basis, and liable to ‘catch’ things off them (not only infections, but also bad habits). • It is not easy to monitor the wellbeing of your child, or how he/ she spends the day.

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• You will have little say on what the child is given to eat unless you supply your own food. • Childminders will often refuse to accept an ill child. • Depending on the number of children in her care, a childminder may not be able or willing to take your child on expeditions, for health check-ups etc. How to find a childminder • You can advertise in your local papers or in shop windows. Always stipulate that you are looking for a registered and insured childminder. • Your health visitor may know people on the local network. • You can advertise in the local Baby Clinic. • You can approach your local Childminder’s Association who can give out information on vacancies. • Local Social Services Departments have lists with telephone numbers. You may have a list of three or four to choose from, or a much smaller choice. You should allow enough time to make your selection (at least six weeks from when you need to return to work), and decide what you are going to look out for, and what questions you will want to ask. Assess as many as you can.

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What to look for when assessing a childminder Ideally you would like to find a childminder who will be a good substitute for you in your absence – someone who: • Is loving, patient, careful and sensible. • Has similar approaches to discipline and potty training etc. to your own. • Will give your child lots of attention and leave household chores until another time of day. • Will do educational things with your child, read to them, sing songs and play games. • Has plenty of toys. • Ideally has a nice garden, sand pit and a messy area for painting and modelling work. • Will normally have the television off, except when there is a good children’s programme to watch. • Knows all about children’s activities in the area, the library and parks. • Has children who are well-behaved. • Has been on a childminder’s course and is associated with local childminder’s groups. When you visit a childminder, try to visit more than once – on at least one occasion go when she is not expecting you. Look at

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the facilities available, and look out particularly for unsafe areas (fire escapes, ponds, open fireplaces etc.). Are there toys and books available? Do the other children in her care look clean and happy? Are there any pets? Is there evidence of smoking? What is her family situation? Is she married, and if so is the partner around during the day? What is he like? ‘I particularly wanted a childminder who was not interested in having ‘a house full’ of children and was more interested in those who knew their capability with regard to the number of children they could care for.’ (Louise – Midwife) ‘Look at [the childminder’s] children and their house – meet their partner and friends – go for experience.’ (Catherine – Stockbroker) ‘ . . . any doubts you have – believe them, she probably isn’t the right one. My childminder has so many excellent qualities, I wouldn’t know where to start.’ (Jenny – Speech Therapist) ‘Avoid someone who is obviously only childminding for the money.’ (Susan – Art Psychotherapist) ‘Ask around for personal recommendations. Visit the childminder when other children are there to assess the situation.’ (Jan – Civil Servant) Specific questions you will need to ask: • Is she registered and insured? • Is she a member of the National Childminders Association?

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• What training or experience does she have? • Has she done a first aid course? • How long has she worked as a childminder for? • What are her charges? What do these include (e.g. nappies, food etc.)? • What hours will she work? • How flexible is she on picking up times and does she charge overtime? • What is her policy for holidays? • Do you pay during holidays that you take? • What is her policy for ill children? (i.e. does she accept them, and if so does she have a sick room?) • What happens when the childminder is sick? • Why is she working as a childminder? • How long has she been in the area? • Whose children has she looked after? (Chase references.) • What age children is she most comfortable with? • Would you be able to stay with your child in her home for a few hours for the first few days to settle him in? • What are her children doing at present?

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• How many children does she look after and what are their ages? • How many children is she registered to look after? • Are there any pets? • Who else is in the house with her apart from her charges? • If she provides food, what does she feed the children? • What sort of routine does she follow during the day? • Where do the children eat, play and sleep? • What special activities does she undertake with the children? • Does she go on outings (playgroups, clubs etc.)? • How will she travel with the children – walk, car, public transport? • How does she deal with bad behaviour? • What does she do in emergencies? • Would she look after your children on extra occasions, such as if you have a late appointment? Leaving your child with a childminder Once you have selected a childminder, you must decide on the best way to introduce your child into the new situation. Your child has to face not only the wrench of leaving you as you return to work, but the added difficulties of settling into strange surroundings. Obviously, any child is going to feel apprehensive

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about being left in a strange home with a strange woman and unfamiliar children. If possible, it is best first to visit the childminder a few times with your child. If you can also manage to leave your child for a trial period with the childminder before you return to work, and to spend some time there together, all the better. Before you leave your child with a childminder: • Make sure your child has his or her favourite soft toy or dummy or whatever is most comforting. • Leave them with a change of clothes, and if your child is a baby, make sure you have packed the necessary items such as disposable nappies, prepared baby food etc. • Make sure that your childminder has all important contact details such as you and your partner’s work telephone numbers; your doctor’s name, address and number; a record of any special allergies, illnesses etc. that your child may suffer from. • It is also worth preparing a list of things that your child likes and dislikes which the childminder might find helpful, at least for the first few days. Relationships with the childminder It is obviously important that you should like the person you have chosen to look after your child. Nevertheless, it is best to keep all dealings on a professional basis. Pay on time, collect your child when you say you will, do not abuse her work load – then you can expect her to keep her side of the arrangement. If you are going to be late for some reason, phone to warn her.

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You will obviously expect your child to seem happy and well cared for at the end of the day. Hopefully, you will see the development of a good fond relationship between the minder, her family and your child. Even with the best childminders and parents, there are bound to be tensions. These may range from the minor irritations to more serious problems. Always confront them and arrange a special time to discuss them. Constantly monitor how your child is doing: look at his happiness when you leave him at the childminder’s home and the way in which he discusses his time there (or, if not yet talking; the way in which he responds to seeing the childminder or her family members). Look for obvious signs of neglect (nappy rash, scratch marks etc.). Be aware that sometimes the childminder’s own children can resent her charges and be unkind to them. What did you look for when monitoring your child’s happiness and wellbeing? ‘On collection child not eager to leave and kept clean.’ (Jan – Civil Servant) ‘The reaction of the child towards the childminder.’ (Louise – Teacher) ‘Whether or not he was generally content upon collection.’ (Louise – Midwife) ‘His reaction when I left him in the mornings.’ (Vivienne – Social Worker)

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DAY NURSERIES AND CRÈCHES Day nurseries and crèches must not be confused with nursery schools and playgroups. Day nurseries and crèches (I will refer to them from now on as day nurseries) are a good option to consider for full or part-time working mothers with children under the age of five years. The two main types of day nursery are: • Local authority (state) day nurseries. • Private day nurseries. State day nurseries are often free or very cheap. They are checked regularly by the local authority and standards are on the whole good. However, staffing is usually based on the statutory minimum, so there is a risk of frequent understaffing. It is unlikely that you will get a place in a state nursery unless you have deprived or unfortunate circumstances. Private day nurseries come under the same regulations as state nurseries, but on the whole they tend to be better staffed and may have better facilities. They are also of course much more expensive, and spaces are again usually very limited. The fees are normally roughly what you would expect to pay for a private primary school. Most work crèches are private day nurseries. Workplace nurseries have the added advantage that many of the other children will be offspring of people in similar situations to you. They also tend to be run along lines which take account of the wishes of the parents. 170

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How to find a day nursery There is much competition for places in day nurseries. If you wish to send your child to a nursery, start looking early. It is not unreasonable to suggest you put your child’s name down on a list at birth, provided that you expect still to be in the same area when your child needs to attend. The local Social Services Department and local libraries should have a list of all nurseries in the area whether they are state or private. What to look for in a nursery The main aims of a nursery are to provide physical and emotional care for your child; they do not claim to be centres of educational excellence. Nonetheless, these are some of the things you can expect and should look for when assessing a nursery: • Fully trained nursery nurses. • The environment should be safe and clean, with an abundance of equipment and toys appropriate for the ages of the children. These might include climbing frames, Wendy houses, musical instruments, puzzles, water, paint and sand areas. • There should be a good garden, but if not you should find out if there is a nearby park to which the children can be taken. • The nursery should have plenty of room with a quiet rest area where children can sleep. • Look for features suggesting the children have an active and creative day, such as art work pinned to the wall etc.

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• Check for safety (e.g. whether there are there any areas of unprotected water/heights). • Find out how the children are grouped (by age or mixed). • Find out what kind of food is provided and whether you are expected - or can if you wish - provide a packed lunch. Find out about the staff and policy of the nursery • What is the ratio of staff to children? • How many children of different ages do they have? • Are the staff qualified and experienced? • Will the staff give you names of parents with whom you could discuss the nursery? • What are their views on discipline, potty training etc.? • What happens when a child becomes ill at nursery? Find out about the daily routine • What are the hours? How flexible are these? • Are there rigid timetables regarding food, play, sleep, or is the set-up flexible? • How much play time is given out of doors? • Is there a mixture of vigorous activity and quiet play or reading?

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‘I thought that a Day Nursery would offer the same things as a childminder . . . and more. I looked for warmth, choice of toys, activities and books, as well as the types and ages of the children that they looked after. Day nursery made my child more independent, providing interaction with other children and the opportunity to do more ‘messy’ activities. It also means that I don’t get tired by him, which I did when I was at home all day.’ (Vanessa – Physiotherapist) ‘Before choosing a Nursery it is important to visit and assess the quality of care, the facilities and make sure that the staff are helpful and will provide good feedback about your child’s feeding, activities etc. I was happy to leave my child at the Nursery because it satisfied all of the above criteria.’ ‘Feedback is absolutely vital (especially for the under 2s) about what they’ve eaten and drunk, their general wellbeing etc. Nursery is a good way to encourage social interaction between your child and other children/adults, as well as developing speech and play.’ (Sarah – TU Officer)

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NURSERY SCHOOLS AND PLAYGROUPS Playgroups are not really a childcare option except for mothers who work a very small number of hours each week. Often, playgroups expect the mother to stay with the child anyway. Nursery schools take children from the age of two and a half to four or five years old. Normally they operate for a full morning, but some extend their hours into the afternoon. They can offer a way of arranging childcare for half a day, and at the same time providing your child with a more educational environment than you might find in a day nursery. However, most nursery schools follow school term times, so holidays still need to be catered for. Lee

Tele-Communications Operator

When Lee’s twin sons were two and a half years old she returned to a part-time job that fitted in with Nursery School. Although she had to accept less money than when she had worked before her babies were born, her priorities had changed and the babies were now ‘of utmost importance’, with work taking a back seat. Nursery School was a convenient option because the boys only did mornings, staying for lunch on one day a week, which fitted in well with Lee’s hours of work. Lee stresses the importance of checking the safety, cleanliness and facilities of a prospective Nursery, as well as the need to monitor the happiness of your children and how they get on with the other children that attend. Lee believes that the main benefit of Nursery School is that children can mix and socialise from an early age.

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Conclusion The needs of your children must be met if you plan to return to work. Their needs are complex and ever changing, and this requires you to constantly reassess the suitability of your childcare arrangements. Your children’s needs should also make you and your partner constantly reassess your own participation in their upbringing, ensuring that you are able to give them (and each other and yourselves) sufficient time. Whatever childcare you have chosen for a particular time in your child’s life, make sure that you keep a careful eye on how things are progressing, and that the carer does not become complacent or careless.

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7 CHILDCARE FOR SCHOOL AGE CHILDREN School age children have many new things starting in their lives. Not only are they entering into the wider world of school, but their previous childcare arrangements will probably no longer be adequate. In addition to finding the most suitable school for your child, you will have to sort out appropriate childcare for the end of the school day and for holidays. You will also want to try and ensure that you are available to spend enough time with your child, both when he or she first starts school and later to help him or her with homework, and share his or her enjoyment or otherwise of out of school activities and hobbies.

Choosing the school Many factors influence a parent’s choice of school: academic standing; whether the school is state or private; reputation; range of extra-curricular activities and convenience of location to name but a few. In many parts of the country, if you wish your child to attend a certain school, you will have to have thought about registering the child very soon after birth. For state schools, entry is usually restricted to children living within a certain area. It is wise to ring your local education authority to find out what schools are available in your area, and perhaps to look through an edition of The Good Schools Guide. Choosing a school should involve you and your partner visiting the school, and also, if possible, talking to the teachers and to 176

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parents of current or previous pupils. The overall atmosphere of a school can best be judged by visiting during a normal school day. If you have more than one child of school age consider: • Can you send your children to the same school? • If you are choosing different schools, how compatible are the school run journeys? • Do the school days start and end at compatible times? • If both schools end the day at the same time but are some distance apart, is it possible for one child to wait in a safe place at school until the carer arrives? • Do half term dates and holiday dates coincide? Starting school Starting school is always an exciting but stressful time for young children. Everything is new. They will find the environment big and may get lost. It helps if you can arrange for them to be taken to school for at least the first few days by a parent or at least someone they know and love. They may appear dazed at the end of the school day to begin with, and similarly will prefer to be met by someone whom they know and love – preferably a parent. For these reasons, if it is not possible to fit the dropping off at school and/or collecting into your work schedule, it is worth taking a few days holiday, just so that you can accompany your child at the beginning. Alternatively you may be able to arrange to leave work early so that you can be there at picking up time. 177

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Childcare needs of the school age child The needs of children over the age of five are quite different from those of younger children. Children of this age will be at school for the greater part of most weekdays during the term. They will, however, need to be cared for each weekday until you finish work, and also for the full week during the school holidays. They need to be dropped off and collected from school. Someone also needs to be available to collect them and care for them if they become ill or have an accident at school. For a working mother, therefore, the key is to find the best and most economical way of providing suitable childcare that can accommodate all these basic requirements. For children starting school, the world suddenly expands. Their characters are developing, and they are learning new things all the time. They are very physically active and get tired. They still need meals prepared for them; they need help with homework and tidying their rooms and toys. They do not need to be played with as much as at earlier ages, but still need to know there is someone there for them. They also need to attend school functions, friends’ parties and be taken on expeditions or for extra lessons and activities. They may have one or two special friends with whom they would like to spend time after school. Their lives may become more varied and interesting, but there is far less close contact with the carer than there was before school began. Parents will be able to organise much of the schoolchild’s life. But there are times each day of the week when alternative care is needed. The type of carer needed for those times is someone who knows about the child’s school routine and who can provide a safe, pleasant environment for the child in the parents’ absence. The environment must enable the child to rest if they are tired

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after a day at school and to do homework if they have it. The carer must be able to supervise and, to a varying degree, organise their time after school and during holidays (including what activities they do, how much TV they watch, what they read etc.). The carer should also be someone who can provide emotional support and comfort for them when needed. The carer needs to be attentive to the child’s activities, but in a more detached way than at earlier ages. Children at this age need to be encouraged to take on responsibilities for themselves, for example, helping to tidy their rooms and fetching themselves certain drinks and foods, whilst at the same time knowing that there is someone who has their own special interests in mind. Bearing in mind the childcare options available for this age group, it is worth considering in detail the pattern of your child’s day. Getting your child to and from school each day The journey to school can be easy if the school is on the way to your work and you can take the child yourself. Often, however, your work starts at a different time, or your children are at different schools and it is not feasible for you and/or your partner to take them both to school yourselves. Older children may be able to find their own way to school, especially if there is a school bus or a simple bus route. Some children may be able to walk to school if it is close by. Otherwise you will need to find someone else to do or share the task of getting your children to school. You may be able to arrange for another child’s parent or nanny to take one or more of your children to school, and for you to pay back the service at another time or in another way. ‘School runs’ are an economical and reliable way of taking and collecting children (and have the added advantage that they

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reduce the numbers of cars on the roads in the morning rush hour). What happens to your child at the end of the school day will very much depend on what sort of childcare you have. If you have a nanny , au pair or a childminder, collecting from school may be included as part of their job. Collecting your child yourself is often more difficult as the end of school is unlikely to overlap with the end of your working day. If there is no one at home at that time, you may be able to arrange for someone (e.g. another parent) to collect your child or children and take them to the childminder or Care Centre, though I have known parents who have left work to collect their children from school, delivered them to a childminder and then returned to work for another couple of hours! If you are on an After School Care scheme (see below), then there is usually a bus service which will collect your child from school and take him or her to the Care Centre. If your home is a short distance from school, and you think your child is able to cope on their own, then you may decide to let them come home alone. If so, take as many precautions as you can: do practice road safety with your child (walking some distance behind them), as well as impressing on him or her all the normal advice about not talking to strangers etc. It is important to try to collect your child from school yourself at least occasionally, even when the child is settled. This is the time when your child may be most informative about what has happened at school – in the car on the way home for example. This is also a good time to meet and talk to other mothers, or to teachers and to find out what is going on at the school. It also means you get to know what some of the other children look like, and you can then put a face to a name when your child mentions somebody.

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For the first two years of my son’s schooling, I was rarely able either to drop him off or pick him up from school and as a result most of the other mothers did not know what I looked like, and vice versa. My new regime has made it possible for me to pick up both my children – a duty which some mothers who do not work find a chore, but one that I really appreciate being able to undertake. Caring for your child after school Nannies, au pairs and childminders continue to provide a good solution to childcare for children after school. Some schools will provide after school care for working mothers, but this is rare. Some types of work may allow you to have your child with you (provided of course they are not disruptive), but this is even rarer. You may have been able to enlist on an After School Care programme (see below). Whatever arrangements you make, remember that the individuals looking after your child will need to be sympathetic to the needs of school age children: such children will often be tired, or may have had an unpleasant time at school. Whatever you arrange, try and establish how the child’s time will be spent until you finish work. As school usually finishes between 3 and 4 pm, there will only be a few hours to fill until you can be with him or her. In this time the child will need to have something to eat; they will need some time to unwind and perhaps watch some children’s TV. They may want to play. He or she may have homework to do. If at home, they may need a bath, which could be taken independently if the child is old enough, or otherwise supervised by the carer.

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Finding the right childcare The childcare arrangements that existed for your child before starting school may no longer be appropriate once school begins. When your child reaches school age, to some degree a weight is taken off your mind, because a large part of the week – at least during term time – is catered for. Also, whatever childcare you arrange outside school time, you can be fairly certain that your child will be mature enough to tell you if he/she is not happy about it. The concerns of knowing whether or not your child is being treated well during your absence are therefore greatly reduced. Nevertheless, having children of school age can make practical arrangements much more complicated. Until your child goes to school you may have had a simple set up whereby your child is looked after for most of the day, week in week out, by a single carer or source of care (such as a nanny, childminder or nursery). Once your child starts school, the care you put in place may be as simple if you are lucky, but it is also quite likely that you may need a mixture of different care arrangements for different times of the week or year. Most working parents try to arrange their own holidays so as to overlap as much as possible with the school holidays. This still, however, leaves you with many weeks each year when your child is on holiday and you are not. Also, during the school terms the time after school and occasions when the child is sick and cannot go to school still need to be catered for. This is where difficulties can arise, unless you have a nanny or some other form of home childcare.

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Factors that you will have to consider when arranging childcare for your school age children: • How will the children get to and from school each day? • Who will look after them after school until you have finished work, and where? • Who will look after them if they are sick and not able to go to school? • How will the children be looked after during the holidays when you are at work? Childcare options and practicalities When children go to school, day nurseries are obviously no longer on the agenda. The remaining options that have already been discussed for the under 5s include nannies, au pairs, childminders and mother’s helps. These may continue to be suitable choices especially if, in addition to your school age child/ children, you have younger children who need to be looked after whilst the older child is at school. However, when the children are all of school age, employing a full-time nanny may seem extravagant unless she has other duties. In fact, many nannies do not like such an arrangement as it leaves them relatively under-employed during the term time. On the other hand your nanny may relish the extra free time, or may want to stay anyway if you have plans for another baby soon. Another possibility may be a ‘nanny share’ arrangement with a family who have a younger child or children. An au pair may also provide a suitable solution during term time, but cannot

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provide all the care you need during the holidays as they may only be prepared to work for five hours a day. Childminders will often agree to take on a school age child, or will continue to look after charges during the holidays and/or after school. Some will agree to take and collect from school too. Mother’s helps, housekeepers and the like can provide a solution if they are prepared to supervise your child’s day in your absence. Otherwise, anyone without full-time childcare, but who works, will have to sort out special arrangements for the holidays. In some of the larger cities there are a number of After School Care Centres and Holiday Play Centres (see below). These can provide an alternative and economical solution for school age children of working parents, provided these facilities exist in your area. These will be briefly described here. After school care These centres usually cater for children attending state schools. They often include a school collection service and the children are taken to designated schools, churches or community centres where they are cared for (and usually fed) between around 3.15pm and 5 or 6pm during weekdays. Many of these centres have supervised playgrounds at certain times of the year. Some of them also open for a longer period (9am to 6pm) during school holidays, and at weekends. The ages of children whom they will take varies, but most will look after children aged between five and eleven years, and some will also cover those as young as three. The cost is within the region of £10-30, and older children are usually accommodated for a lower rate than young children. The number of children

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that the centre can take is strictly limited. The schools from which children are collected are also often restricted geographically, so there can be difficulties getting a place on one of these projects. You can find out about the availability of such centres either from the school your child attends, or from the local authority’s education department. Your local recreation, leisure or youth and community department may also have information. Organisations such as the Kids Club Network (see the Useful Addresses section at the end of this book) can also provide information for your area. Holiday Play Centres Holiday play centres are often run for children aged from five to eleven by the Leisure and Amenity Services Department of the local council. These centres can provide much more than basic supervision of your child. They often claim to have well-defined, laudable aims, such as: • To provide a friendly, caring, safe and secure environment for young people. • To enhance the understanding and importance of play, language and social development through stimulating and structured play activities in a non-formal environment. • To encourage awareness of the social and environmental factors that influence a child’s progress. • To create an environment which promotes equal opportunities, which is non-sexist and non-racist. • Bad behaviour such as name-calling and fighting are not tolerated; parents of such children will be contacted and if behaviour does not improve, they will be banned from returning. 185

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The costs of a place in a play centre provided by the local council range from £10–20 per child per week or part of a week. Your child will be eligible for a free place in certain circumstances (e.g. if you receive family credit or income support). You can find out about these centres and how to go about booking a place by contacting your local Play Services Office in the Borough Council. Holiday activity courses Many schools operate a one week course of activities after the end of term, including sports and games or arts and crafts, that usually last for the length of the normal school day. Often siblings who are not pupils at the school are accepted on these courses too. If you are really lucky, two weeks of the holiday can be filled in this way – if you have two children at different schools whose activity weeks run end-to-end! Recreation centres also frequently run multi-activity courses that run for several weeks during the holidays. Some of these are provided by the council and others are private. An increasing number of summer camps are appearing, although these are usually for children of eight years or more. More specialised activity courses including, for example, music, riding, sailing and water sports can also be found in certain areas. Playbuses These are organised by voluntary groups which visit specific areas on a regular basis. They are associated with the National Playbus Association. These do not offer permanent or full-time childcare, but can provide a variation for occasional care.

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Taking advantage of relatives during the holidays Do not forget that grandparents and relatives will often be happy to have your child or children for a few days. Leaving your child at home alone Leaving your children at home alone is a desperate step, and even parents of young teenagers are often reluctant to do this. For those who have no other choice, the following are some basic points to check. • Make sure your home is as safe as possible and that any unavoidable hazards are removed. • Have clear rules about what your child can and cannot do, and what equipment he/she can use. • Make sure that your child knows how to operate or use anything in the house or garden that he may need to use on his/her own. • Make sure you have a rule which is clearly understood about opening the door (not to open it at all, or to use a peephole and chain) and answering the phone (perhaps to have a code which you use when phoning home, otherwise the phone is not to be answered). The child should never give information about your presence or absence if he answers the phone to a stranger. • Make sure your child knows what to do in an emergency: where to go if there is a fire and where to find emergency telephone numbers, including your own and your partner’s and those of close neighbours or friends, relatives, doctor, ambulance and the nearest police station.

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• Decide whether you are going to allow your child to have friends over and if so what they will be allowed to do. • Make sure that your child understands the necessity of keeping the key to the house in a safe place, usually on their person, or in a regular place in the house. • Make sure you have an agreed plan that is to be followed if the child has to go out of the house for some reason, and that he/she should phone to inform you about the expedition. Homework and out-of-school activities Homework can play an important role in a child’s development and in building self-esteem. However little of it there may be, it is a significant step for the child to be given homework and it should be treated with respect by parents and carers. Some parents prefer the carer to supervise the child’s homework. This is usually satisfactory for the very early years at school but, depending on the educational level of your carer, may not be later on. In these cases, the best arrangement may be for your child to make an attempt at the homework on his own (supervised by the carer), and then for you or your partner to go over it with him when you get home. As children get older they are likely to become involved in an increasing range of out of school activities. These may take the form of sports (e.g. football or swimming lessons), music or dance lessons. The activities may take place at clubs, at the school or in other centres. These can take up an enormous amount of organisational effort. If you have more than one child, you may for example find that they need to be at opposite ends of the town at the same time. This is where planning becomes

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important, and where getting to know a few other mothers can be enormously helpful so that you can share rides to activities. Spending time with your school age child Working mothers and their children will have become used to spending long periods of the day away from each other, so starting school does not produce the same separation problems that can occur with mothers who are at home. Working mothers will, however, have become used to spending as much time with their child as they can at the end of their working day. Once a child reaches school age, the importance of doing this does not decrease. However, because the child’s world widens and he/ she becomes so much more involved in other things, finding enough time to spend talking and playing with your child can be difficult. When you arrive home, if your children are already at home, they will bombard you and want full attention even before you have had time to put your bag down and take your coat off, let alone had time to make yourself something to drink. It helps if you can arrange for your childcarer to have sorted out their practical needs (such as feeding the children and clearing the table, tidying away any toys etc.), before you get home, so that you can concentrate more on their emotional needs. Try if you can though, to get home early on some occasions, so that you can give your child tea or supper and be there as they ‘unwind’. As your child grows older, he or she will not expect or need so much undivided attention, and will simply be satisfied to know you are close by. Doing things ‘in parallel’ can be very productive for both of you. The child can play or read, or do some other activity, whilst you can get on with some household or administrative chore, or perhaps (this has not yet happened to

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me!) find time to read a book or watch television with your feet up. This arrangement enables you to talk and chat in a relaxed way to your child while you are both busy and often the child will mention things that otherwise (when times are deliberately set aside to talk) would be internalised. In a similar way, your child may be willing to help you with some chore. Children can be enormously helpful, especially if they are made to feel that they are really doing something useful. My five year old daughter is only too delighted if I ask her to help me with the polishing, and whilst it means we get through a canister of furniture polish in one session, it does mean the job is done and we have fun doing it too. Both my children frequently help me with gardening and with tidying their rooms. Bedtime routines In getting your children ready for bed, it is important to follow a routine. Bedtime routines vary enormously in different households. Some families seem to have the most organised systems where children are tucked up in bed, read to, and asleep within half and hour. Our system has never been so organised or brief, but this has probably come about largely because bedtime is the only chance in the day for our family to be together. It is particularly valuable if you and your partner can both get home in time, however, in order to accommodate a later homecoming, the children’s bedtime can be made a little later. Bath time, brushing teeth and dressing can all be made fun, and reading a bedtime story to your child (or them reading one to you!) is certainly one of the best ways of sharing time with your child. For any working mother, these activities can and should be shared with her partner. With more than one child, bedtime stories may have to be read as a group, or your partner can read to one of the children, while you read to another. You can also take it in turns to put different children to bed. 190

8 WORKING AND FAMILY LIFE Returning to Work after Maternity Leave In order for a mother to return to work, childcare arrangements will need to be in place. Preoccupation with the wellbeing of your child For many mothers, the prospect of returning to work and concerns about the future wellbeing of your child cloud the last weeks or days of your maternity leave. Feelings of doubt, uncertainty, worry, and guilt may predominate. These feelings are normal, and the best ways of alleviating them are: • Being sure in yourself of your reasons for wishing to return to work. • Being sure that your partner understands and shares those reasons. • Feeling comfortable with the type of childcare you have put in place for your child. • Making sure that you are going to be able to receive the emotional and practical support from your partner, friends and family that you will need. Ease yourself back into your work in the best possible way. Try to make sure you have given enough time and thought to all 191

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that is going to be involved. Make sure you are ready to take on the new combination, and that you have all the necessary support in place before you return to work. Also ensure you have thought of possible ‘hitches’ and about how you plan to deal with them. Preparing for your return It is likely that during your maternity leave you assumed more responsibility for the household chores than you had done before your pregnancy. You may have found yourself doing the shopping, cooking, cleaning, ironing, and most of the care for the baby. Once you return to work these activities will need to be shared between you and your partner and the childcarer, so it is as well that the transition occurs during the last weeks of your maternity leave. Discuss and agree upon how the responsibilities are going to be divided. Otherwise you may feel that you are shouldering much more than your reasonable share of the domestic duties, or that some duties are not allocated at all (with things only getting done at the last moment, by whoever discovers they need doing). Lack of planning and anticipation will ultimately lead to some minor disaster, such as discovering that there are no nappies left in the house. ‘Be certain that the childcare is exactly what you want by taking the child there before returning to work.’ (Jan – Civil Servant) ‘Plan ahead. Be reasonable about what to expect from yourself, your partner and your childcare.’ (Louise – Midwife)

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Availability of a parent for emergencies There will also have to be discussion between you and your partner about what will happen if your child or the childcarer is ill or unable to look after the baby, and who will take time off work. Which of the parents is more easily contactable? Who can take time off work more easily? Interestingly, in my work as a hospital doctor, I found that the women doctors were reluctant to take any time off work because of their child’s health, being eager to show that the baby was not interfering with their performance. Male colleagues (at least the more modern ones) were much more ready to state that they simply had to take a half day because their child was ill and their wife was unable to get home. Self-esteem upon returning to work A lot of women find the prospect of work daunting after having been away from it for some weeks or months. Many women are concerned that they will not be able to cope with their work after their return. Common worries include the fear that others who have not taken time out will be forging ahead and will have left them behind, or in the worst scenario that they will be viewed by their colleagues as having suffered some kind of damage to their intelligence during their maternity leave and have turned into a cabbage!

‘I lost a lot of confidence – I felt that some people viewed me as less reliable.’ (Sarah – TU Officer) In most cases these fears are totally unfounded. A surprisingly small amount actually changes in the time that most women take off for maternity leave. Colleagues typically find that the mother’s period of absence has flown by, and that they have 193

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barely noticed her absence. If you feel you would like a more gentle reintroduction to your work, try going in to the workplace for a half day or two before the end of your maternity leave: attend a conference, lecture or meeting, or take your baby in and show him/her off to your colleagues. Try to get hold of any circulars or any other information about new developments that you may need to be aware of. Find out who the new members of staff are, and what changes have occurred since you were last there. ‘Don’t let other people get you down – make sure that work keeps you informed of any developments while you’re away. Don’t let them exclude you – tell them that you will bin any information that you don’t need.’ (Sarah – TU Officer) ‘Never complain to your boss about how hard it is – it was your decision to have the baby – if you need to change things, e.g. work different hours, stress how you can make things work with a little flexibility. Always be professional and look your best – don’t give people the chance to criticise you as a ‘washed out new mother.’ (Catherine – Stockbroker) ‘Returning to work was quite a shock to the system. I was determined not to give up and confirm some of my colleagues’ suspicions that I could not cope with work and caring for my baby. It is essential to pace yourself and get a lot of rest so that you can manage the change in routine.’ (Stacey – Swimming Pool Attendant)

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Changing balance of time and emotional commitments Any woman who tries to combine work with family life will find that certain aspects of her life will change, simply because so much more has to be squeezed in to the same amount of time. Before you became a mother you probably found that you had plenty of energy to devote to your work, your partner, friends, relatives, leisure activities and yourself. With the arrival of your baby, the amount of energy that you can exert in these directions will inevitably lessen. The extent of this change will vary according to the individual. For many women, the need to maximise the time spent with their child/children becomes paramount; for others, this is less important, and some mothers are content to leave the rearing of their children almost totally to others. However, working on the assumption that once you have a child, much of what was ‘leisure’ time will now be dedicated to the child, less time will be spent on other things. Social activities are usually the first casualties. Unfortunately, many women find that time spent with their partner, and time spent on themselves also tends to be sacrificed. Too great a decline in this area can lead to couples growing apart and to a loss of self-esteem in mothers who have no time to themselves. Practical guidelines for coping with the combination of work and children: 1. Organise your time efficiently. 2. Make sure you know what your priorities are, and which aspects of your life before starting a family can be compromised or put to one side.

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3. Never commit yourself to more than you can realistically take on. 4. Do not allow your work or your colleagues to dictate how you care for your family; this is something for you and your partner to decide. 5. Make sure that you do not become a ‘workhorse’, doing everything at home as well as holding down a job. Decide roles and divide responsibilities with your partner, as well as delegating where necessary. On the other hand, do not let the details of the lives of your children and household become so distant from you that you are too out of touch to know when something is going wrong. Always keep a finger on the pulse! Organising your time The following is a list of suggestions for organising your time to help you achieve a reasonable balance in your life between your work, your children, your partner and yourself. • Organise your working day as well as you can. Ensure that your efficiency at work is maximised so that your output does not suffer but you waste less time. Unnecessary coffee breaks or time spent gossiping can and should be sacrificed. • If you have to socialise in connection with your work, try to arrange to do this at times that suit you. • Ensure that you are happy with the quality of your childcare arrangements: less worry about how your child is being cared for will enable you to work more effectively.

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• Make your partner aware that responsibility for the running of the household and the family should be shared. • Allocate specific chores to different individuals in the household. For example: have set responsibilities for who does the shopping and checks what is needed in the house. Who pays the bills, does the cleaning, irons the clothes and who puts the rubbish out. Agree upon who sorts out the children’s clothes and school uniforms; who helps them with any homework; who organises and checks the (school) calendar and who will attend school functions. Ascertain how the mornings before school and work will be organised (a time of potential chaos in most households) – who will get whose breakfast; who will get the children up and help them dress and brush their hair and who will get the school bags ready. • Bring grandparents and other relatives into your world as much as possible. There will be occasions when neither you nor your partner can attend a school play, or collect the child from school if he/she is ill or finishes early. Half terms and holidays may be times when you would prefer your child to have more family contact which you might be unable to provide because of work commitments; spending one or two days each week with grandparents can be fun for both parties. • Put an end to certain luxuries or tasks that are time-consuming and not essential for a happy life. These might include ironing sheets and underwear, the weekly hour on the sunbed (bad for you anyway!), tidying out the spare bedroom or garage, and meals that are time-consuming to prepare (especially in the evenings). • Identify tasks that can be done together with your children (really possible only when the child is old enough) and which they will find fun, such as sorting through old clothes, polishing furniture and baking cakes; even shopping can be fun for children. Older

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children are often content simply to be with you in the same room playing or doing some sort of activity while you get on with something else. • Arrange for childcare that will allow you and your partner to have some uninterrupted time in which to indulge yourselves: for example the monthly hour to go to the hairdressers or the gym. Make baby-sitting arrangements which will enable you and your partner to go out for the evening or to spend the odd half day shopping together without the children.

Some mothers’ top three ways to make the most of your time at home 1. 2. 3.

1. 2. 3.

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‘Prepare everything early – don’t leave anything to the last minute as that minute never comes!’ ‘Set aside time for the child and time for the chores but don’t be too ambitious.’ ‘Get the child into a routine and stick to it!’ (Vanessa – Physiotherapist) ‘Do all your chores whilst baby is asleep.’ ‘Always go out once a day to the shops, park etc.’ ‘With your first baby – make a point to find the local mother and baby group (the Health Centre is a good place to start).’ (Vivienne – Social Worker)

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1. 2. 3.

‘Organise – get jobs out of the way.’ ‘Play – spend time with your child.’ ‘Keep in touch with friends – not just people with babies.’ (Janett – Nurse)

1. 2. 3.

‘Organise as much as possible the night before.’ ‘Be flexible.’ ‘Arrange meals a week at a time – you spend less time shopping.’ (Stephanie – Radiographer)

1. 2.

‘Organise your time and be prepared to delegate.’ ‘Don’t get over-tired, make time to have a rest when baby rests.’ ‘Don’t become totally baby orientated. Keep in touch with friends and have the occasional night out.’ (Sharon – Hairdresser)

3.

‘Quality Time’ Much is heard about so-called ‘quality time’ with your children. This usually refers to the periods that overworked parents carefully set aside to spend with their child with the object of making this time as valuable for the child as possible. One has visions of well-planned schedules and rigorously timed meetings where the chosen pastimes are good for the child educational and organised and where every moment counts. For most working couples, the time that is available to be spent with the child is usually pressurised. The times available generally occur either at the start of the day – when time is short and there are many things to do and prepare for; at the end of the day – when you may feel tired and impatient after a day’s work and travel;

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or at weekends – when you may be trying to recover from a tiring week and when many other things often have to be fitted in. Often parents feel subconscious pressure to do something constructive with this time, guiltily compensating for their absence and any shortcomings which they have perceived in their childcarer. As a result of this, parents can feel tense, behaviour that is readily sensed by any child. Such parents are generally well meaning, hoping to do the best for their children by deliberately setting aside time to do something with them. However, often these parents are striving for perfection: in work, as parents, and also in their children. The problem is that there is too little time to do all of these things. As a result, these parents place undue importance upon the objective measures of success and achievement in both themselves and their children; their performance at work and their child’s development at school respectively. There is a real danger of such attainments taking priority over the other less quantifiable qualities such as patience, generosity, kindness and sense of humour, and over the simple enjoyment of life. A recent study involving more than a thousand working couples over the past 10 years has shown that these parents are in danger of producing over-anxious and difficult children who may have problems forming close relationships in later life. The study showed that some children tended to grow up lacking imagination, were self-centred – expecting the focus of attention to be constantly on them and had difficulty communicating with their peers. These children also felt anxious and pressured to fulfil the high expectations of their parents.

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It is obvious that I am not an advocate of the notion of so called “quality time”! But, how do you avoid falling into these traps? I have set out some tips below. Getting the balance right My advice to any parent is that the time spent with your child, especially when there is limited time available each day, should simply be as happy as you can make it. A happy, loved child will be much more eager to participate in play and also in more constructive activities, when the time is right. Two keys to spending happy time together are that the parent should feel relaxed and not rushed, and should try not to be preoccupied with other events of the day. Mornings before work Try to make sure the time with your child is pleasant, unhurried and unflustered. • Make sure everything you will need for work, and that your child will need for his or her day, is ready the night before. • Make sure that you have checked the calendar so that there are no last-minute surprises. • Allow enough time between waking and leaving the house so that you do not have to rush the time shared with your child – usually it helps to get up earlier than your child in order to get yourself ready first. • If you have a nanny or au pair, give them other jobs to do until shortly before you have to leave, whilst you spend the time being with your child, getting the baby ready, having breakfast etc.

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• Try and identify the best way to part from your child. Children differ greatly in how they respond to a parent leaving; we found that things worked best when I left for work first, with my husband leaving a short time after me, allowing more time for our children to get involved in an activity with the nanny. At the end of the day • Allow yourself time to unwind on your return home from work. Get changed into relaxing clothes; make yourself a drink and have something to eat if you are hungry. Allow a reasonable handover time, if possible, between the childcarer and yourself, and make sure your child has everything he/she needs so that you can relax together. • Do not allow yourself to be kept chatting to the carer after the hand-over time has passed – this is time to spend with your child. • Try to make sure you and your child are not interrupted – e.g. if the phone rings, ask the caller to phone back or ring them back when the child has gone to bed. • Stop yourself thinking about work and all the other things you have to do. • Try not to rush the time that you share. • Try to be patient. • Show interest in what your child is doing with you. • Do not try to do too much with your child; often simply reading a book, bathing your child, cooking together, or even watching a video with your child on your knee can be among the most

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enjoyable ways of sharing time together especially if you are worn out. • Leave more ‘educational’ pastimes to those periods when you have more time – such as the weekends and holidays. • Spend some time before your child goes to bed doing something special that he/she enjoys – getting into the habit of reading a bedtime story from the very earliest months is a good routine. • Make the time spent with you fun. With older children, constant attention is not always required, or even ideal. Many older children are happy simply to know the parent is around, sometimes in the same room. Closeness whilst the child is pursuing his or her own activity allows the child to develop the security with which he/she can become a self-sufficient and content person. Weekends and holidays These are the times that I really felt I got to know my children. I have always tried to make sure that my weekends were as uncluttered as possible to allow me large chunks of time to be with the children, and to do things with them. Children, especially when they are very small, often prefer to stay in their own homes among their own belongings and not go on too many outings. Weekends at home allow time to explore the child’s toys with them; to read books and to play games together. They are also often the time when many working mothers will invite the child’s friends round to play. Holidays give you a chance to be more adventurous both with expeditions and the kinds of home activities you do with your

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child. There is more time to do ‘constructive’ things, and longer holiday trips allow the child time to get accustomed to the new setting, and you to relax. Many working parents, especially those in high-flying careers, find that it is hard to cut off from their work at weekends and on holiday. I remember getting ready to go on holidays and packing neurology papers, which I planned to study once we reached our destination. I would arrive at the other end to find that my husband had (very wisely) secretly removed them from the case! Keeping your balance If the difficult balance between work and family life is to be successfully maintained, it is important not to take any of your domestic relationships for granted. You need to make sure you make sufficient time and space to talk to your partner, your children and your childcarer, and keep abreast of what they are thinking and feeling. Otherwise it is all too easy in your busy life for relationships, almost imperceptibly, to deteriorate. More often than not, it is the relationship between the parents that bears the brunt of the time constraints that exist in the lives of working parents. On the other hand, adults are unlikely to be permanently scarred by a situation that is not working well, whereas for developing children, such experiences can be permanently damaging. Spend time with your partner First and foremost, make sure you spend time with your partner every day discussing not only what you each have done, but also discussing your children. Depending on your particular work hours, you may find over supper or last thing at night whilst lying in bed are the best time for this. Find out what your partner

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thinks of the childcare arrangements. It is important to discuss even the most seemingly trivial things. Often you may find you are aware of something not quite right in the household long before your husband is. Alternatively, he may have noticed things but may feel they are not significant enough to mention to you. Spend as much time with your children as you can It is by spending as much time as you can with your children that you will have the best chance of developing a close and loving relationship with them, which will stay that way as they grow up. As discussed above, the time spent does not always have to be ‘educational’ or ‘constructive’; just being with them in as happy an environment as possible is what is most important. It is also by spending time with them that you really find out how content they are with the childcare arrangements. How happy do they seem? Are there any obvious physical or emotional signs of neglect or ill treatment? Is speech and vocabulary developing as well as you would expect? How do they respond when the childcarer’s name is mentioned? If they are old enough to talk, ask them how they spend their days. Were there any aspects they did not like? What do they like most about the childcarer? What do they not like? What does the carer do if the child is naughty? Relationship with the childcarer Make sure you have a good time for hand-over at both the start and end of the day. At the start of the day, make it clear if there are any particular things you would like done, or if there have been any problems overnight. Watch how your child responds to the carer and vice versa at hand-over time. At the end of the day, find out what the child has done, if there have been any new developments; have there been any problems? Establish

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what the circle of friends is like. Notice how interested the carer is in your child. Consider making the occasional spot check on your carer – it is nearly always possible for you or your partner to come home at an unexpected time every now and again. Make sure that you raise and discuss with the carer anything that you are unhappy about or that troubles you about how your children are being looked after. Do not bottle things up. At the same time encourage the carer to be open with you, and to voice any dissatisfaction or worries. Constantly reassess the balance of your working and family life However compelling the reasons were that led you to return to work after having your baby, always be prepared to reassess them. Circumstances and priorities constantly change, so even though your work arrangements may have been suitable at one time, they may in time cease to be so. Even if your job remains right for you, it is still worth reappraising your situation from time to time, if only to reassure yourself that you are following the right track. Ask yourself what your reasons are for continuing to work. How do these compare with the quality of care that your child is receiving? Are you having any regrets about continuing to work? Do you feel you would like to see more of your child? If so, is there any way in which your work could be altered to take those aspects into account? More and more employers are allowing people to work ‘child-friendly’ hours, which may include doing some work from home.

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Alternatively, the flexibility that working part-time and/or on a self-employed basis can give you may be other possibilities that you could consider. Remember life isn’t set in stone. If you or your children are unhappy it is up to you to change things. It is very, very hard! I think that good childcare is the key – without it everything else would collapse.’ (Catherine – Stockbroker) ‘Don’t be hard on yourself. Whatever your reason for returning to work, you’ll feel guilty at some stage, but don’t martyr yourself. Remember a mother’s place is in the wrong – especially where children are concerned – they push your wind-up button mercilessly.’ (Jane – Dispensing Technician) ‘It is important to stick to hours agreed – you have nothing to prove, so don’t work longer. It is also important that baby has a good routine – establish one. Don’t be too ambitious, don’t take too many hours. Choose a shorter day if possible, otherwise you’ll end up with little time for looking after your baby or yourself.’ (Vivienne – Social Worker) ‘[When working] the time you spend with your children becomes extremely precious. However, you will also benefit from space to yourself and something other than babies to fill your brain.’ (Jenny – Speech Therapist) ‘Establish reasons for returning to work and follow them through. Go back in your own time – early or late. Start

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looking for childcare well in advance, so the choice isn’t hurried and errors are minimised.’ (Clare – Staff Nurse) Choose childcare carefully and make sure you are happy that your child is settled before going to work, it makes the whole experience far less stressful.’ (Vanessa – Physiotherapist) ‘Organise and set aside time to spend with your baby, and just to be by yourself.’ (Melanie – Sales Assistant) ‘Plan, juggle, share job responsibilities and be prepared to delegate – don’t suffer in silence, you will start to resent everything, including your child.’ (Stella – Receptionist)

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9 THE SINGLE MOTHER Every aspect of being a working mother is usually much harder when you are single and do not have the financial and emotional support of a partner to ‘share the load’. The single mother has to try to fulfil many roles for her child – mother, father, confidante, disciplinarian, taskmaster, homemaker, Father Christmas etc. If these tasks have to somehow be combined with working and arranging childcare, the strains can be immense. All the practical information in this book applies as much to the single parent as to the working mother. The difference is that a single mother will need to rely even more heavily on the family, friends and facilities that are available to her.

Work and the single mother Why work? For a single mother, the first question to answer is ‘Do I need to work?’ The second is ‘Is it good for my family if I work?’ For many single mothers it is likely that, for financial reasons alone, it would be beneficial to work. But this is not always the case. A calculation must be made of your income weighed against the expense of childcare, travel and other work-related expenses (e.g. clothes) and the benefits and costs of working. Because these benefits can vary greatly according to your situation, this aspect must be very carefully looked at – you might even find 209

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you would be better off or very little worse off in financial terms by not working. But finances are not the only consideration. Once the calculation has been made of how much better off, financially, the family will be as a result of the mother working once the above costs are taken into account, the single mother should also consider how much better or worse off she and her children will be emotionally and psychologically if she works and her children are cared for by someone else. In a recent TV debate on these issues (The Time, The Place, March 1998) many single mothers (and fathers) who contributed to the programme said that they would and did choose to work if and when they could find suitable childcare. These single parents mostly felt that working would allow them to provide a better quality of life for their child by being better off financially. But this was not their only reason for wishing to work. Many (including some of those who thought they would not be better off financially by working) felt it would improve their self-esteem. They also believed that work would be stimulating and make them a more interesting parent; that it would be beneficial to have other adults to talk to, thus reducing their sense of isolation. Other reasons included the fact that it would provide a way of making friends; that it might increase their ‘support network’, and that it would help to improve their relationship with their child. Type of work Some women may already be in a steady job when they find themselves in the position of being a single mother; but others will have to find work. Being in a job already is an obvious advantage – an employer who already knows you is more likely

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to adapt to your new circumstance and perhaps be more flexible than one employing you afresh. Unfortunately, many employers approach the prospect of taking on a single mother with some reservations. Many single mothers may, for such reasons, find themselves lowering their sights as to the type of jobs that they apply for. Simply for practical reasons too, the type of work that an individual wants or which suits her situation may change, with aspects such as job security, flexibility, shorter hours and ability to work from home assuming greater importance than might otherwise have been the case. Practical problems The practical problems of raising children, arranging and monitoring childcare, organising the house and working, are much greater for a single parent. All of these things usually have to be done on a smaller budget, and with half the number of hands and time. For this reason, it is important for the single mother to try to establish a circle of ‘significant’ adults on whom she and her children can call – not only for emergency help in a crisis, but for occasional ‘everyday’ help. Such people can include not only the normal network of people mentioned in Chapter 7, but also other parents in a similar situation. The organisation Gingerbread is one such group – run by volunteer single parents for other single parents. Its motto is one of mutual-help – so if you join, you must be prepared to help others too. Older children can also become extremely responsible in single parent households, and whilst one would not wish to shoulder them with excess responsibility at a young age, children are often capable and pleased to be of help to a single parent.

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The single mother and isolation Whilst the particular circumstances of any single mother will vary greatly – in their economic and social position and in educational and career attainments – one thing that many have in common is a sense of isolation. The feeling of being alone – of having no one to discuss problems with, or to help you in the raising of a young child, to assist in emergencies, to take some of the load of everyday chores from your shoulders – not only adds enormously to the weight of these problems but, according to American research, can create changes in the normal ‘dynamics’ or sensitivities that exist between parent and child. These possible difficulties are mentioned here, not because they occur with particular frequency, but because there is a risk of them developing and it can only help to be aware of them. ‘Dynamics’ between single parent and child Many single mothers may find that they develop an unusually close, loving relationship with their children which far outweighs the difficulties that come with being a single parent household. However, single parent families are also at risk of developing over-close relationships which might later lead to resentment or lack of independence in the child. American studies have shown that single mothers are particularly at risk of developing an over-intense and over-protective relationship with their children. One reason for this may be the lack of other adult input in the child’s upbringing. Another may be the mother’s own lack of adult companionship. Quite apart from financial and practical considerations, adults need other adults for all kinds of support in bringing up their 212

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children. This ranges from reassurance about matters of discipline, which helps to retain perspective in trying situations, to assistance in shouldering some of the demands that young children place on a parent. Children need other adults too, to provide them with a sense of family and security, to provide alternative sources of comfort when one parent is tired, irritable, busy or unavailable and to provide the reassurance that they are not alienated or isolated from everyone else. Without this kind of additional input from another adult, there is a risk that the relationship between mother and child will become overintense and over-dependent, with both parent and child becoming ‘clingy’. The potential for the occurrence of these problems may increase when the mother is also working. On the other hand, the working mother may be able to put her situation to her advantage. By working, she is provided with a regular point of detachment from the everyday difficulties that she and her children experience. This can help to soften the intensity of her relationship with her children. Mixing with other adults (who may have children) through her work may also give opportunities for discussing mutual problems, seeking advice about childcare and development, and getting a different perspective that would not be available if the mother was at home alone caring for the children. Working can also provide possibilities for arranging emergency cover for her children should the need arise. In addition, the children can develop relationships with other adults through childcare arrangements, so encouraging the development of independence and enabling them to observe and learn from other adults’ viewpoints. The single working mother must aim to make the most of all the opportunities and facilities that are available to her:

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• Try to find the best working conditions to suit your situation – bearing in mind the issues of hours of work, flexibility, holidays, ability to take time off at short notice, ability to work at home if necessary, as well as income. • Research childcare carefully and choose the best you can afford – remember that single parents are often given priority in state nurseries. • Bring other reliable people (whose views you respect) into the lives of you and your children; these may be relatives, friends, colleagues or teenage children of older friends – all this will enrich their environment and relieve some of the emotional burden from your shoulders. • Try and establish a foolproof safety network. • Remember that most other people have respect for the difficulties of the working single parent. JM JM is a single mother of two children aged 13 and 2 . She was abandoned by her partner when her second child was born and found herself having to start work in order to support her children and maintain her mortgage payments. When her youngest son was a few months old she decided that the best option for childcare was a private day nursery. However, within the first few weeks of attendance, he developed recurrent bouts of diarrhoea and vomiting. JM became concerned about the general cleanliness of the nursery: she spent the weekend helping him to recover only to be set back again when he returned to the nursery. A stool sample demonstrated that he had rotavirus and she withdrew him from the nursery. She took two weeks annual leave from her work to look for new childcare arrangements. She was legally obliged to pay the nursery for two weeks at a rate of £115 per week. 214

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She found a childminder close to her home and her older daughter’s school. The childminder seemed to have good references and she arranged that her 13 year old daughter would pick the baby up after school at 3.30pm and would care for him at home until JM returned from work at approximately 5.30pm. This worked well until the childminder herself announced that she had to return to work for financial reasons. Fortunately, school holidays were about to start, so JM’s daughter looked after the baby until further childcare could be found. Unfortunately JM was unable to find another childminder with whom she was happy, and therefore had to keep her daughter off school for a total of 3 months to care for the baby. Next JM decided to try an au pair. She found a girl through an agency and took 3 weeks annual leave to supervise her early weeks. By the end of this period, however, she decided the girl was totally unsuitable to care for her baby son. JM decided to abandon the idea of an au pair and thus not only lost a deposit to the agency but had also used up her annual leave. She then started frantically looking for a childminder, eventually finding one with three children of her own, who was prepared to take her child. Meanwhile JM made an arrangement at work to job share so that she could spend every other week at home with her children. After a few weeks with this childminder her son’s behaviour started to change. He became irritable and JM noticed some scratch marks on his chest. When she queried this with the childminder she was told that he had been involved in a ‘scrap’ with another child. On a second occasion she found a handprint mark on his back when she bathed him at night. She phoned the childminder to ask about it and was told that he had been involved in another ‘scrap’ that morning. Her son had also started repeating the phrases ‘go away’ and ‘shut up’. JM asked her son who said that and he told her that it was the childminder’s eldest daughter. JM at this stage sought help from the Social Services and even from the police. But she was given very little assistance and even felt under suspicion herself for causing the injuries to her son. Naturally,

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JM withdrew her son from that childminder’s care. She took more time off work and applied to Social Services for an updated list of childminders. There was one new name on the list and she set off immediately to meet her. Fortunately for JM and her young family this childminder has turned out to be excellent and her son is still with her two years later. JM says that she has no regrets about working. She feels this is the best chance of offering her children a higher standard of living. She does, however, regret the fact that her own daughter’s schooling suffered intermittently whilst she tried to find suitable childcare. She also resents the fact that as a single mother she was given very little help when she encountered a problem with a childminder whose safety should have been investigated.

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10 DIFFICULTIES, DOUBTS AND DILEMMAS Any mother who works and leaves the care of her children to someone else for a large part of the day will have doubts about whether or not she is doing the right thing. There will be times when she has difficult problems and situations to sort out and difficult decisions to make. Provided that you have thought carefully about your reasons for continuing to work once you start a family, and provided you have good childcare arrangements in place, suiting your means and requirements, and a reliable ‘safety network’, many of your problems will be minimised. Also, remember that the responsibility for making sure things work out well rests with both you and your partner. Will you have regrets about working? If you are in any doubt about whether you are doing the right thing (in fact even if you are not in any doubt) - there is a lot to be said for looking into the future. Try to imagine whether you will ever regret not having spent more time with your children when they were younger. There is nothing worse than the prospect of being riddled with guilt throughout your children’s young years, as well as when they have left home. Try and make sure you are happy with your choice.

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Any working mother is likely to feel guilty especially if she feels the right place for the mother is to be with her child. However, even in the most traditional and rural of societies children are often cared for, from a young age, by other adults or older children without suffering from the arrangement. If the quality of care provided by these other people is good, such extra attention, (provided it is in addition to, and not instead of obvious dedicated attention from the parents), can only add to the child’s wellbeing. Where childcare by a person other than the mother is not satisfactory, and the child is unhappy and not thriving, then there is cause for concern and for possible guilt if nothing is done about it. You will also have to imagine whether you will feel resentful and dissatisfied if you abandon a career or a job that provides you with a sense of self-esteem and/or earning potential, in order to be at home with your child. Remember too, that the child will begin school at the age of four or five, and will consequently be absent for much of the day. To give up your work for the first four years of his or her life may irreversibly put a halt to your chances of re-entering your chosen career, or of progressing to your expected level. Feeling guilty Once you have taken the decision to carry on working, if you feel dissatisfied or experience any pangs of guilt, reassess your situation and check that everything is all right. There are times when it is right to feel guilty, and times when it is wholly inappropriate. Guilt is only justified if the mother suspects or recognises a problem but does nothing about it. Sometimes of course, she may recognise the problem, but, due to unfortunate circumstances, is unable to resolve it.

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There are a number of reasons, ranging from the very minor, to the major, why a mother might feel guilty about working and leaving her child to be cared for by someone else. Provided a mother is happy that the child is safe, and is physically well cared for in her absence, most of the guilt arises from the worry that the child’s emotional, social and intellectual development will suffer in her absence. In recent years these fears have been nurtured by writers such as John Bowlby, leading to the view held by many that any disturbance in the child’s development or behaviour must in some way be attributable to the mother not being around enough when the child was small. Whilst some of what is said in these writings is valuable (e.g. that small children need love and attention), many of the theories were based on children raised in especially deprived circumstances. Indeed, more recent studies (e.g. Helping Troubled Children by Professor Michael Rutter) suggest that children of working mothers are not more likely to become delinquent or develop psychiatric disorders. In fact, there is some evidence to suggest that such children may be better off than those whose mothers do not work, as the working mother may have an increased range of interests, be more content with herself and so have more to ‘give’ to the children. It can also mean that the children become more selfsufficient and outgoing. Rationalise as she might, however, the working mother frequently feels guilty. These are some common causes: • She may feel that it is conventionally her responsibility, more than anyone else’s (e.g. her husband’s) to bring up the child and to spend as much of her own time as she can with him or her.

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• She may feel that her child would be happier and would develop better if she was at home more and that by working she is denying the child a ‘golden’ childhood. • She may feel she is exposing her child to unknown risks if someone else is caring for him or her. • She may feel that she is putting her own position, advancement in life and self-esteem above that of her child. • She may feel guilty if she has little patience or gets angry with the child, or forgets to say goodbye when she leaves home. • She may feel guilty and jealous if the child looks to the carer as much as or more than to her for attention. • She may feel guilty because she finds some aspects of motherhood boring or tiresome; or because she finds that other things interest her more. • She may feel guilty if she wants to go (or does go) on a holiday or short break without her child. None of the above points are valid reasons for making a mother feel guilty, if: • You have tried to secure the best possible arrangements for childcare in your absence. • You give your child as much love and attention as you can when you are with him/her.

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• Your behaviour is consistent – there is nothing wrong with occasionally losing your patience or getting angry with a child, provided it is appropriate. • Your child seems happy, well adjusted and is developing appropriately for his age. • You act immediately if you suspect there is anything wrong with your childcare arrangements, or with your child’s wellbeing. • A child can also obtain very valuable care and love from the father, siblings or other relatives in the mother’s absence. • It is also worth remembering that your childcarer’s job is to look after your child – it is therefore natural if your child grows fond of her. • The addition of another ‘significant adult’ in the child’s life – provided they are kind, loving, trustworthy and sensible – can only be good for the child. • It helps if your child understands (when old enough to be told) why you work, and what your work involves; explain that it is a valuable thing for you to do and does not detract in any way from your love for him or her. Constructive guilt Feelings of guilt can sometimes serve a useful purpose. Some thought may be niggling at you day after day, and you may be aware subtly or more obviously that something is not right. Do not push these feelings away. Analyse them, then try to think what you can do about it.

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Thus, it is useful to feel guilty if, for example: • You forget about activities or events that you are expected to attend at your child’s school (e.g. school sport’s day, play etc.). Missing such events sends a message to your child that his or her activities are not of sufficient importance in your mind. • You repeatedly forget to pack food for school breaktime. • You are late picking your child up. • You are frequently irritable when you get home, and are impatient with your child. • You don’t organise activities for your child to allow him or her to keep up with their peers. • Your child is not completing his homework or needs help that he is not receiving. • Your time with your child is always rushed. • Your child prefers to be with someone else, if given the choice. Any of these things should make you take a close look at your arrangements and how they can be improved. Resentment and Worry Even without feeling guilty, there are many things that a working mother may resent, dislike or worry about. For example: • She may feel resentful that she was not there when the child uttered his first words, or took his first steps.

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• She may resent the childcarer being more competent at dealing with the child’s needs than she is. • She may be distressed when she leaves home with her baby crying and clutching at her skirts. • She may blame ‘problems’ (real or imagined) in the child’s behaviour or development on her own absence. • She may feel she has returned to work too soon after the birth of her child. • She may feel she is missing out on the best years of her child’s life. • She may resent the fact that she is always short of time, with insufficient time to spend with her child, with her partner and by herself. • She may worry about what people think: for example, that if she doesn’t socialise at work (because she is trying to get home early to be with her child), people will think she’s not committed enough; or, at the opposite extreme, that other mothers/friends/ relatives will think she is cold and selfish to leave her child in the care of others. Here are some suggestions to help you deal with such feelings: • At the end of each day, try to ensure you are up-to-date with your child’s progress. Find out from your childcarer what the baby/ child has done that day. Focus on any achievement or new development, however small, with the child and demonstrate your pleasure. I remember feeling upset when the nanny pointed out

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my son’s baby teeth growing before I had noticed them. Then I told myself that there was nothing wrong with this – it was her job after all and she was more experienced at such things than me. Furthermore, the nanny was trying to show me how attentive she was! • Remember that a young baby may spend a substantial part of the day sleeping. Therefore, when you are at work, you may be missing only a few of his waking hours. Some babies actually adapt their sleep cycle so that they stay up to see more of their parents in the evening and sleep more during the day. • Share the jobs that need doing at home with your partner. Cut down on non-essential things that don’t really need to be done so that you can focus on your child. • If there are difficulties when you leave for work in the morning, try to reassure your child that you will be coming back. Sometimes it helps if your actual departure is quick and not protracted. It may help if your partner can leave a little later than you. Sometimes it helps to take your child to visit your place of work to show him where you go each day. It may also help if you say you will telephone when you get to work, but do remember to follow your promise through. • Dealing with other people’s views of you (e.g. those of colleagues at work or other mothers) can be difficult. Inevitably some people may make comments if you leave work as early as you can, but you must decide what matters more to you: you will not be able to please everyone. Views of other mothers whose attitudes or values are different from your own can sometimes be unhelpful – try and ignore other people’s criticism and concentrate on doing the best you can under your circumstances.

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Blaming yourself or others When something goes wrong in relation to your child’s welfare, it is natural to look for someone or something to blame. More often than not, the mother blames herself for not being there, not arranging satisfactory care, not being organised enough, or not spending enough time with her child. Others will focus the blame on someone else – the carer, her partner, or even the child. To apportion blame is never constructive. It is always best to concentrate on trying to prevent problems developing or recurring – and facing up to niggling worries or guilt may bring a potential problem to light before it is too late. However trivial the matter might seem to you, if there is a worry, think about it, discuss it with your partner or ask advice from a friend or relative. If a problem does develop, try and identify why it developed and how it might be resolved, or how you can modify your circumstances so that a recurrence can be prevented. Illness and other crises One of the most difficult situations that working mothers face is what to do in a crisis. This may be a relatively minor situation – and something that can be sorted out by skilful juggling – or it may be something serious that requires dropping everything instantly to attend to it. The most frequently encountered problems are what to do when your child is ill or has an accident and what to do when the carer is ill, does not turn up for work or leaves at short notice. Dealing with a sick child One of the most difficult things for a working mother to deal with and to accommodate in her schedule is sickness either of the child, or of the carer – a situation which invariably occurs at

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some time. For a working mother, the cause of the most guilt and self-reproach is leaving a sick child in order to work. A poll in the USA in 1986 showed that 90% of women felt guilty in this situation compared with the 65% who felt guilty about losing their tempers (the second biggest cause of working mothers’ guilt in that survey). As well as the emotional upset of leaving a sick child, there are the practical difficulties of how the child is going to be looked after. Deciding what to do when your child is sick It is important to consider and plan what you will do in these circumstances before they arise, because children are frequently unwell. Of course, it is wonderful if the mother is able take the time off work and stay at home with the child, but such flexibility at work is often limited. Whilst taking the occasional day off work to look after a sick child is acceptable in many jobs, repeated requests to go home early or to have time off may exhaust the ‘generosity’ of your employers and colleagues, who may not be so accommodating if and when a real emergency occurs. In fact, quite frequently, the working mother is unable or reluctant to take time off work to stay at home and look after a child who has a minor illness. Some women also feel that taking time off work will mean that they are viewed unfavourably by colleagues, although increasingly, men are less likely to have reservations about taking time off for this reason. Certainly in my work in the NHS, I have noticed that female doctors were less likely to take time off when their child was sick than their male counterparts were. The decision about what to do is made worse if the child is normally cared for at a nursery or childminder’s, where sick

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children are not allowed. Here, you may face the additional practical problem of finding someone else to look after your child. The first step must be to try to assess how unwell the child is. Depending on how serious you consider the child’s illness to be, your approach will differ. But even if it appears that the child only has a minor illness (e.g. a temperature, snuffle, upset stomach etc.) which could easily be dealt with by the normal carer, remember that for the child, being ill can be very distressing. He may feel rotten and want his mother to be there. Depending on how ill you think your child is, you will need to ask yourself the following questions: You think your child has a minor illness: • How easy is it for you to take time off work to be with him during the illness? Is the child well enough to be left with his or her normal carer? A mother must use her instinct and knowledge to assess how ill her child is. But if you are in any doubt, you should make arrangements for the child to see a doctor. • If you have a nanny, leaving a sick child in her hands might be possible, but some childminders and most nurseries will not accept ill children. In these circumstances who can you call on for help? (See below) • Is the carer capable of noting changes in your child’s health? • Does the carer know what to do if things get worse? • How can you (or the father) be contacted if your child’s condition deteriorates?

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You think your child is very unwell, or you are uncertain: • If you have judged that your child is ill enough to need to see a doctor, it is likely that you or your partner will want to take time off work yourselves to be with your child. This may cause aggravation to your colleagues or employers, but that is a price worth paying if your child needs your presence. • If you or your partner cannot take time off work to be with your child, can a relative help out in the care of your child and take them to the doctor, or will your normal childcarer undertake this duty? (Again, whilst nannies will usually care for a sick child – if you are prepared to leave them with that responsibility – childminders and nurseries will not.) • Is the carer capable of noting changes in your child’s health? • Does the carer know what to do if things get worse and how can you or your partner be contacted should this happen? Emotional reassurance of the child with a minor illness If you are satisfied that your child is well enough for you to go to work, or if you feel your work must take priority (for whatever reason), then you must do your best to ensure that your child knows that you are concerned and thinking of him. In such circumstances, both the child’s assurance of being loved by you, his mother, and your own feelings can be helped by: • Showing concern at your child’s illness. • Explaining to the child what you are going to ask the carer to do in your absence (e.g. visit doctor, take temperature, change sheets,

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cool forehead) and that if things get worse you will come home at once. • Explaining to the child that you will check on what has happened when you get home. • Asking the carer to reiterate to the child that she is doing just what you asked her to do. • Explaining that you will phone home to find out how things are during the day. • Doing all the things you said should be done in your absence: soothing forehead, taking temperature, reading a story, rocking etc., and generally giving a lot of attention, upon your return. • Bringing home an unexpected treat. Your support network Finding alternative care for a sick child If your normal childcare arrangements are unable to cope with a sick child, and if you are unable to take time off work, alternative arrangements must be made. Often this has to be done at very short notice, and when you are naturally worried about your child. Remember that a disruption to your child’s normal care environment when he is ill can cause additional stress. For such emergencies, it is vital to have a reliable, (and preferably familiar) support network. Some of the most common examples include: • Relatives. Grandparents, aunts etc., can often be called upon to help out for short periods during an emergency. This is by far the

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best option because the child will know them, and the disruption to normal routine will not be so bad. • Friends who also have children – especially if the mother is not working, or if she has a nanny who would be prepared to look after your child. • Other mothers. Do not shun any opportunities you may have for making friends with other mothers at playgroups, school gates etc. Knowing that you can ask a favour of one of them in an emergency is invaluable for peace of mind. Always be ready to help them if you can. • A ‘surrogate granny’. Local elderly ladies are sometimes keen to participate in small ways in the rearing of your children and may be able to step in during emergencies. • Temporary care e.g. nanny from an agency. Obviously, you should never abuse the goodwill shown by others, and should always try to repay them in whatever way you can. Dealing with a serious illness or emergency If your child is seriously ill (of if you are in any doubt about the seriousness of your child’s illness), there is clearly only one choice. Your child should come above all else for you and your partner and one of you should stay with your child. An ill child can deteriorate very quickly. Most jobs, however high-powered or responsible, can accommodate a very occasional emergency absence. After all, they would have to cope somehow if you were involved in an accident or were ill yourself. Provided the generosity of your colleagues (who may have to ‘cover’ for you in your absence) is not abused, and provided they are aware of

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the seriousness of the situation, absences are generally accepted. Many jobs will allow time off under such circumstances on what is called ‘compassionate leave’. Alternatively, if the period of illness extends beyond a few days, and if there is no facility for compassionate leave, you may consider taking unpaid leave, or part of your annual holiday. On one occasion when I was doing a very busy clinic at Ealing General Hospital, my son’s school phoned and left a message with my secretary asking me to contact the school at once. I was in the middle of seeing a patient when my secretary passed the message on. She told me that my son (aged four and a half) had fallen off the climbing frame at school and knocked his front teeth badly. He was very shaken and the school thought he probably needed medical attention. They had been unable to contact our nanny. I was terribly upset, and still had nine patients to see on my list. There was no one I could call on in the hospital to finish the clinic for me. It would take 45 minutes for me to get to the school. Knowing, as everyone does, what hospital waiting lists are like, I did not relish the thought of telling the remaining patients that I was not, after all, going to be able to see them that morning. However, I finished seeing the patient who was with me, walked in to the waiting area and personally apologised to each of the patients waiting to see me, and explained that I had to go and see to my son. I told them that I would arrange an additional clinic the following week. They were all very pleasant about it, and told me to hurry on my way. My secretary dealt in the same way with the patients who had still not arrived. Dealing with recurrent mild illness or malingering Having a child who is frequently ill with minor complaints (‘sickly’) or who takes a long time to get over illnesses can be one of the 231

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hardest situations to manage. The mother may find herself frequently having to leave the child at home, unwell, with the nanny; or having to find an alternative form of care if the nursery or childminder will not have the child; or she may be taking a lot of days off work herself. This can become difficult and tiresome for all concerned and can strain the willingness of those involved in your support network to help out. Some women under such circumstances may find themselves having to make a permanent change in their working arrangements so that they have the flexibility required to deal with their child’s health. Sometimes, there may be other causes for recurrent apparent ill health in a child. If your child shows signs of being unwell and there is no clear physical cause, you should consider or investigate whether there may be something about the child’s circumstances that could account for this behaviour. Does the child simply want to see more of you? Is there a problem with the childcarer? Is there a problem at school? Is there any other cause for unhappiness? Dealing with a long-term illness Sometimes working parents are faced with a child who has a long-term illness, which may be mild, or may be life threatening. Children with a long-term illness, quite apart from needing more attention and care than a normal child, also need regular medical examinations and tests, requiring visits to the hospital or G.P. The stress that ill children and their parents may undergo also poses additional strains. Many working mothers would probably choose to adapt their work conditions, if they can, under such circumstances, to enable them to have the flexibility to spend more time with the child and to leave work unexpectedly if necessary. Such a situation may also lead you to consider stopping work altogether, particularly if the child is terminally ill. 232

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Managing when the childcarer is not there for your child Another situation that can cause a major crisis for the working mother is when her normal childcare arrangement collapses, leaving her and her child in the lurch. This is especially problematic if it happens suddenly and unexpectedly. Examples of circumstances when this may happen include: • The childcarer falls ill. • The childcarer does not turn up or leaves you at short notice. • You have to sack the childcarer, or decide you can no longer use your childcare arrangements because of some unacceptable event. The forms of support that you can call on in any of these circumstances are generally the same as when you are organising emergency care for a sick child. Because the child is well however, some additional options may be available. For example, depending on age, you may be able to use certain borough facilities for after-school care, or holiday play centres. I have twice had to deal with such a situation: one being when I had to sack a nanny. When this happened, I was fortunately able to stay at home for the first two days. I was so upset anyway about what had happened that I wanted to be with my children myself. After that my mother-in-law was able to help out, and luckily I then had two weeks holiday planned, during which I was able to make new arrangements for the future. The second time was when my nanny was ill for two weeks. On this occasion, I was unable to take time off work. It was during the school holidays and the children needed to be looked after all day until I got home.

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So I arranged a patchwork of care, leaning heavily on friends and relatives: • Both of my children were able to spend two days at the homes of school friends (the mothers concerned were unbelievably helpful). • For two days I used the local borough holiday play centre: this was a total gamble as I knew nothing about it; but it turned out to be well run and safe. • On one day the children attended a sports day at a local leisure centre (which closed at 3.30pm, so I arranged to leave work early to collect them). • My husband was able to stay at home for a couple of days. • The remaining days were spent with their grandparents.

Feeling you are not succeeding in any direction It is all too common for working mothers to feel that they are neither succeeding at motherhood nor making a success of their work. Such feelings are most likely to develop when time is constantly short, you are tired, and you are having to do too much – and especially if you have become depressed. It is so easy to get stuck in a rut, and continue unthinkingly along a pathway that perhaps you should have altered some time before. If you find yourself feeling like this, step back and look critically at your situation, and ask yourself: • How much are you doing at home and at work – are you simply expecting too much of yourself? Many working mothers have to lower their sights in relation to how much they are able to achieve at work whilst also giving the attention they want to give to their 234

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children; they may also have to compromise in relation to certain aspects of the care of their child. These things can sometimes be hard to accept, especially for those women who are used to doing everything to ‘perfection’. • Can anyone else in the household do more to relieve your load? • How important is your work (in its current form) to you, both financially and psychologically, compared with the rewards that you would get from spending more time at home with your child. • If you feel your progress at work is not what it should be, or that your efforts are going unrecognised or being under-rewarded, is there anything you can do to address this? For example, is there someone you could talk to about it at work? • If you feel your relationship with your child is not as close to you as you would like, consider how you could modify your lifestyle, or your work, to enable you to spend more time with him or her. Combining work and motherhood can be rewarding and satisfying both for you and your family. But it can also impose heavy strains and personal costs. Be wary of continuing down a particular path (be it career, type of childcare etc.) simply because that’s what you thought beforehand would be best, or because it was the most suitable arrangement at one time. Be prepared to reassess your situation, and your priorities. Above all, be prepared to change your mind.

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CONCLUSION Few women are averse to work for its own sake. It is only the concept – and reality – of being away from her children that can sometimes produce difficulties for a working mother. However, with the changing views of society and increasingly wide acceptance of the organisational skills and capabilities of women, it is not surprising that an increasing number are choosing to return to work after starting a family. As countless women have shown – including those who have kindly (especially considering their busy lives!) contributed their case histories to this book – it is possible to be a good and fulfilled mother whilst also reaping the rewards of work. Whilst I strongly believe that every woman and her family must decide what is right for her and them, it is reassuring that the great majority of women who responded to our questionnaires were extremely positive about their choices. I hope that this book will help working mothers to make informed decisions about their future and the future of their family, and know that they are making them for good reasons with up-to-date information at their fingertips. Although I am not denying that to be a successful working mother you need a ‘BA Hons degree in Juggling’ (Vivienne – Social Worker); appropriate information and advice can help you to keep all your balls in the air! As one of the main anxieties that afflicts working mothers is the effect that their absence will have on their children’s development, and the feelings of guilt that accompany this, I will 236

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leave you with a few encouraging words from working mothers who have made a success of the sometimes seemingly irreconcilable combination of work and motherhood. ‘I know I deal better with my children when I’m not with them all of the time, the time we do spend together is definitely quality time. I love my work and I love my children, so the balance is great.’ (Claire – Staff Nurse) ‘I am more self-sufficient and my family are better off financially.’ (Jane – Dispensing Technician) ‘My daughter is more independent.’ (Teresa – Factory Operative) ‘My child has benefited from having a working mother by having the opportunity for social interaction with other children and adults and increased development of speech and play.’ (Sarah – TU Officer) ‘Although we always seem to be in a rush, the upside of this is that my daughter learnt to talk very early and is very sociable and confident about meeting people.’ (Catherine – Stockbroker) ‘I think my son would have been very shy if I had not returned to work. He had a good opportunity to mix with children his own age.’ (Louise – Midwife) ‘I feel happier and more confident and my little girl picks up on that. I am easier to be with, which both my daughter and my friends appreciate.’ (Sharon – Hairdresser)

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USEFUL ADDRESSES/FURTHER READING: Careers for Women – a counselling service (not free): 2 Valentine Place, London SE1 8Q11. Child Support Agency – information pack obtainable through DSS offices. Equal Opportunities Commission – for problems with maternity rights, pay, return to work etc.: Overseas House, Quay Street, Manchester M3 3HN. Gingerbread (Tel: 0171 2400953) – for single parent families: 5 Wellington Street, London WC2E 7BN. Kids Club Network (Tel: 0171 2473009) – useful for arranging ‘networks’ for school age children: 279 Whitechapel Road, London E1. The Lady (Tel: 0171 8368705) – National Magazine for advertising for childcare: Classified Department, 39-40 Bedford Street, London WC2 9ER. The London Parents’ Guide (Tel: 0171 7931990) – Londonbased magazine covering all aspects of childcare in instalments: 1 Stockwell Terrace, London. SW9 OQD.

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Maternity Benefits and Maternity Rights: booklets produced by Department of Social Security. Nannytax (Tel: 01273 626252) – ring for brochure regarding all aspects of employing a nanny. National Childcare Campaign (Tel: 0171 4055617): Kingsway Hall, Wild Court, London WC2B 6ST. National Childminding Association (Tel: 0181 4646164): 8 Mason’s Hill, Bromley, Kent BR2 9EY. National Council for One Parent Families (Tel: 0171 2671361): 255 Kentish Town Road, London NW5 2LX. New Ways to Work (Tel: 0171 2264026) – job sharing project offering a list of contacts for job sharing in many professions for both employee and employer: 309 Upper Street, London N1 2TY. Pre-school Playgroups Association (Tel: 0171 8370991): 61/63 King’s Cross Road, London WC1X 9LL. The Top-Notch Nannies’ Guide by Jean and Jasmine Birtles, published by Summersdale The Working Mother’s Association (Tel: 0171 7005771): 77 Holloway Road, London N7 8JZ. Working for Childcare (Tel: 0171 7000281) – for advice on all types of childcare: 77 Holloway Road, London N7 8JZ.

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