The Perfectionist's Handbook: Take Risks, Invite Criticism, and Make the Most of Your Mistakes

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The

Perfectionist’s Handbook

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The

Perfectionist’s Handbook

Take Risks, Invite Criticism, and Make the Most of Your Mistakes Jeff Szymanski, PhD

John Wiley & Sons, Inc.

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Copyright © 2011 by Harvard Health Publications. All rights reserved. Published by John Wiley & Sons, Inc., Hoboken, New Jersey. Published simultaneously in Canada. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, scanning, or otherwise, except as permitted under Section 107 or 108 of the 1976 United States Copyright Act, without either the prior written permission of the Publisher, or authorization through payment of the appropriate percopy fee to the Copyright Clearance Center, Inc., 222 Rosewood Drive, Danvers, MA 01923, (978) 750-8400, fax (978) 646-8600, or on the web at www.copyr ight.com. Requests to the Publisher for permission should be addressed to the Permissions Department, John Wiley & Sons, Inc., 111 River Street, Hoboken, NJ 07030, (201) 748-6011, fax (201) 748-6008, or online at www.wiley.com/ go/per missions. Limit of Liability/Disclaimer of Warranty: While the publisher and author have used their best efforts in preparing this book, they make no representations or warranties with respect to the accuracy or completeness of the contents of this book and specifically disclaim any implied warranties of merchantability or fitness for a particular purpose. No warranty may be created or extended by sales representatives or written sales materials. The advice and strategies contained herein may not be suitable for your situation.You should consult with a professional where appropriate. Neither the publisher nor author shall be liable for any loss of profit or any other commercial damages, including but not limited to special, incidental, consequential, or other damages. For general information on our other products and services or for technical support, please contact our Customer Care Department within the United States at (800) 762-2974, outside the United States at (317) 572-3993 or fax (317) 572-4002. Wiley also publishes its books in a variety of electronic formats. Some content that appears in print may not be available in electronic books. For more information about Wiley products, visit our web site at www.wiley.com. Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data: Szymanski, Jeff. The perfectionist’s handbook : take risks, invite criticism, and make the most of your mistakes / Jeff Szymanski. â•…â•… p. cm. â•…ISBN 978-0-470-92336-8 (cloth); ISBN 978-1-118-11866-5 (ebk); ISBN 978-1-118-11867-2 (ebk); ISBN 978-1-118-11868-9 (ebk). 1. Perfectionism (Personality trait) I. Title. BF698.35.P47S99 2011 155.2’32—dc22  Printed in the United States of America

2011014258

10â•… 9â•… 8â•… 7â•… 6â•… 5â•… 4â•… 3â•… 2â•… 1

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To Mom, Richard, Becky, and Corey

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Contents

Acknowledgments

viii

Introduction PART I

x Understanding Your Perfectionism

1

Chapter 1 Definitions and Types of Perfectionism

3

Chapter 2 Building Your Perfectionism Profile

13

Chapter 3 Insight Doesn’t Always Lead to Change

31

PART II

53

Maximizing Healthy Perfectionism

Chapter 4 Wanting Things to Be Perfect May Not Be the Problem 55 Chapter 5 The Lesson of Diminishing Returns: Learn to Analyze Your Effort 71 Chapter 6 Translating Mistakes into Strategic Experimentation

87

Chapter 7 An Unexamined Life: Focus on Your Top 10 List

105

Chapter 8 Even Jesus Needed Disciples: The Value of Others

125

Chapter 9 All Work and No Play: Why It’s Important to Refuel and Refresh

147

Chapter 10 Putting It All Together

169

Bibliography

185

Index

191 vii

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Acknowledgments

Much of the content for this book stems from inspiration that I had when I was leading a perfectionism group at McLean Hospital’s Obsessive Compulsive Disorder Institute (OCDI). As such, I would like to begin by thanking the patients who participated in this group for their thoughts and insights and really pushing me to think clearly about this topic. Next, I wanted to thank Julie Silver, at Harvard Health Publications, who originally approached me about writing this book. I had been asked for many years to put these ideas and thoughts down in a book, but it wasn’t until I spoke with Julie that this became a reality. Florence Isaacs, writer, and Linda Konner, my literary agent, were also pivotal collaborators in the early stages of this book: Florence, in helping me with the original outline and proposal, and Linda, in helping to connect me with Dan Ambrosio at John Wiley & Sons, Inc., the editor for this book. Dan and his team, Christine Moore, Ashley Allison, Lauren Freestone, and Peter Knox, have been extremely helpful throughout the latter part of the process—Christine, in particular, who had to endure my less-than-perfect sentence structure and grammar. My publicity team, including Rusty Shelton, Amber Gray, and David Luna at Shelton Interactive and Stephanie Chelf and Jackie Herskovitz at Teak Media, has been of tremendous support. I would also like to thank friends of mine, including Paul Gurney, Perrie Merlin, and Michelle Caya, who weighed in on various drafts of the book. viii

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Acknowledgments

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To my family (to whom I have dedicated this book) Martha White, Richard White, Becky Hill, and Corey Hill, I wanted to thank you for putting up with me and supporting me throughout all of my schooling and career. A thank-you as well to my friends Mark Schatz, Patrick Priest, Robin Lippert, Denise Egan Stack, Chris Miller, Matthew Wagner, Ellen Prairie, Alice Bredice, Nate Gruner, and Gabe Gruner for enduring my endless conversations and seeking reassurance about the state of the writing process. And finally a thank-you to my staff for their thoughts, ideas and encouragement: Michael Spigler, Pamela Lowy, Fran ­Harrington, Marissa Keegan, and Victor Sulkowski.

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Introduction

During the sixth week studying nonstop for my doctoral candidacy exam—a two-day test that required nine hours of essay writing—I had constructed a three-inch binder filled with notes, articles, and outlines. I had decided I wanted to be a psychologist when I was 15 years old, and by doing well on this exam, I would gain official entry into the doctoral program in clinical psychology. It would be worth it when it was all over—when all of my studying, dedication, and striving to be the best got me to this place. I was thinking about this as I sat on my bed in my 300-squarefoot studio apartment with the binder on my lap, when I realized that I had been studying for a while and needed a break. I went into the kitchen to get a drink of water, but my mind kept going back to the topics I had been poring over: “What was the outcome of that depression study?” “Who developed that anxiety disorders assessment?” “I have to get myself organized if I am going to do well on this exam!” Then, as I was finishing my water and looking at the cupboard, a seemingly unrelated thought occurred to me: The glasses in the back of the cupboard weren’t getting used as much as the ones in the front. I started to grab the glasses in the back, moving them to the front, keeping track of which glasses were recently used and which were not. It seemed ridiculous to me at the time that I hadn’t thought of this before. “Organizing the outside organizes the inside—and I need to be organized if I am going to do well!” Wait a minute. What was I doing? Admittedly, it was a little crazy. Organizing my drinking glasses wasn’t going to help me with my x

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exam. Organization worked in one context, but it didn’t in another. My perfectionist nature was getting the best of me and actually removing my focus from where it needed to be. I tried to get ahold of myself and continue studying. I did well on my exam and started the dissertation process—one more obstacle surpassed brought a new one to undertake. I spent yet another summer sitting on my bed in my little studio apartment, reading article after article, constructing my ideas, building my case, and going into the lab and writing pretty much every day. I continued to follow the rules and make sacrifices, knowing that my persistence would eventually pay off. I turned in a draft and ended up in a 45-minute discussion with my dissertation advisor about whether an apostrophe at the end of a sentence needed to be bolded or not. We even printed off one copy with the bold font and one without and laid them side by side for comparison.You couldn’t tell the difference, but we both agreed that you had to adhere to the proper writing style. I was worried that I would look like an idiot to the rest of my committee and humiliate my dissertation advisor, and I was concerned that the graduate school may not even accept the final draft if I didn’t follow the proper style requirements. I was especially paranoid knowing that the committee checked the final document using rulers to make sure that the margins were correct. Talk about attention to detail! Both applying for and making my way through graduate school definitely exacerbated my need for perfectionism. However, I was left wondering exactly how having the right margins and bolding the necessary punctuation had anything to do with reaching my goals and feeling good about the outcome I reached. When had hard work on an innovative project turned into the minutia of “to bold or not to bold”? By the time I finished my dissertation, I had changed the filename to Godhatesme.doc. Needless to say, graduate school was a very stressful experience for me. In the end, I finished my PhD—and even landed a Harvard Medical School internship. Since then, I have gone on to have a successful career as a psychologist with an appointment at Harvard Medical School and McLean Hospital. I now work as the executive director of the

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I­ nternational OCD Foundation, a nonprofit for people with obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD). I attribute much of this success to my perfectionism; I am, in fact, a proudly self-described perfectionist. However, since graduate school, I have reflected a lot on how and why my perfectionism resulted in great rewards, but also at times came with significant costs. Did they always need to go hand in hand? No pain, no gain? This personal dilemma—wondering what my perfectionism earned versus cost me—mirrored my early experience as a therapist as well. I started out as an outpatient therapist treating a wide range of individuals, many of whom have been very successful in the working world—chief executive officers (CEOs), finance managers, lawyers, doctors, marketing directors, data analysts, performers, and even other therapists. Over time, I started to find that I was talking with many of my patients about this very same dilemma: how their perfectionism is both the source of their greatest achievements as well as much of their stress, anxiety, and interpersonal conflict. Was I supposed to tell them to give up their perfectionism—and should I do the same? I then received the opportunity to work at the Obsessive Compulsive Disorder Institute (OCDI) at McLean Hospital. This was a very enlightening experience, as perfectionism goes hand in hand with many individuals with OCD. In addition, I got to lead the weekly therapy group devoted specifically to issues with perfectionism, aptly named the “perfectionism group.” The OCDI is a residential facility; the patients with whom I worked were very different from my outpatients in that their symptoms were much more severe. It was also more obvious that these individuals’ perfectionism wasn’t working for them. I saw firsthand how perfectionism could be especially detrimental when it becomes extreme—when it interferes with one’s basic daily functioning, work, relationships, and caring for oneself. In this case, it becomes increasingly associated with psychological disorders such as depression, eating disorders, and OCD. For example, at the Institute, Stephanie was spending three to four hours per day folding her laundry perfectly; Jon spent months agonizing over an overdue article he was writing, thereby putting his job in jeopardy once again; and Christian was not getting out of bed in the morning because he couldn’t bear another day fraught with making mistakes.

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My patients’ extreme need for perfectionism was clearly ruining their lives. It therefore became evident to me that I needed to help exorcise this pathological trait from these suffering individuals. To that end, I would start each group meeting by asking: “Does everyone recognize that their desire for perfection is self-defeating?” “Yes,” they would reply in unison. “Okay. Then let’s spend some time talking about what we can do differently.” At this point, their eyes glazed over. I was saying their perfectionism was something bad and self-destructive—something of which they needed to rid themselves. But they had just agreed with me, so why did they stop paying attention as soon as I tried to help them out of this trap? This pattern kept repeating itself at every group meeting: I would identify perfectionism as a bad thing, a statement with which everyone would agree.Then, the second I began trying to talk them out of it, they would tune me out. They complained that I was telling them to “lower the bar” or “just be average,” and they continued to be unwilling to change their perfectionistic habits. At some point, one group member even challenged me, “You seem like a perfectionist yourself.” “Yes,” I admitted, “but mine works for me! Well, most of the time.” So of course, they wanted to know: “How and why does it work for you and not us?” This conversation took place at about the same time I came across an article describing the difference between healthy versus unhealthy perfectionism. When working for you, perfectionism encourages you to achieve high but reasonable standards that lead to feelings of satisfaction and increased self-esteem, that is, healthy perfectionism. Unhealthy perfectionism, on the other hand, compels you to strive to meet unrealistically high expectations and can be driven by a fear of failure and disappointing others. I thought about how perfectionism played out in my own life. It seemed to me that my intentions were always to strive to achieve positive outcomes and good feelings. If my intentions were good (wanting to excel) and the outcomes I wanted were reasonable (to feel competent and satisfied), why would my perfectionism backfire and result in unhappiness and unwanted results? What made the difference between healthy and unhealthy perfectionism? Apparently, not all perfectionism is the same. This was a critical insight for me and for my patients. Armed with this new distinction between healthy and

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unhealthy perfectionism, I realized I could continue to be a perfectionist; I just had to figure out how and why perfectionism sometimes worked and sometimes didn’t. As I began to shape my understanding of perfectionism, the next question that occurred to me was: What did it actually mean to be a perfectionist? What are the defining features of perfectionism? While sorting out these definitions (reviewed in Chapter 1), I then came to realize that no two perfectionists were alike. Everyone seemed to have their own talents and abilities, when their perfectionism paid off, as well as limitations and places where they got stuck. In other words, everyone had their own unique “profile” of their strengths and weaknesses and fell along a continuum of healthy to unhealthy when it came to their perfectionism. Everyone, myself included, seemed to be an amalgam of healthy and unhealthy perfectionism. In Chapter 2, I’m going to ask you to build a profile of your perfectionism: what aspects of perfectionism apply to you and where on the continuum do you fall from healthy to unhealthy. In my group, I found that this was a much more interesting (and productive) conversation than, “It seems like your perfectionism might not be working, so stop trying to be a perfectionist.” They now had a new understanding of their perfectionism and their own personal perfectionism profile. They could decide for themselves what worked and what didn’t and what they were willing to change. However, even with this new perspective and recognizing there were some aspects of their (unhealthy) perfectionism they wanted to change, some still kept hitting roadblocks. It can be very anxiety provoking to give up an old way of doing something and try something new. Therefore, in Chapter 3, I review some strategies for getting past these obstacles. Once you identify your profile of perfectionism and a willingness to change (if need be), you can take on the second part of the book. I devoted these chapters to covering some common perfectionist strategies that tend to be unsuccessful and introducing alternatives to try. I try to avoid oversimplifying the issues. For example, many other self-help books on perfectionism will typically make statements such as: “Your standards are unrealistically high; stop being so self-defeating,” or “Be more comfortable with making mistakes; everyone does it.” Who wants

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to hear that? This is why I encourage you to identify where your perfectionism is working and build on that in the first part of the book (Chapters 1–3). The goal in the second part (Chapters 4–10) is to help you think through some of the strategies you are using that might not be working; figure out why you might continue to use them even when they don’t work; determine why they don’t work; and discover what some alternatives might be. I would like you to start with the idea that perfectionism can help you be successful; it isn’t necessarily a bad thing to be eliminated altogether. Quite the opposite is true, in fact; your perfectionism might be one of your most valuable attributes and the source of your successes and self-esteem.You hold in your perfectionism the things you want for yourself—things that you may sometimes or even often get for yourself. Therefore, the first step is fairly simple: Identify and build on your strengths. Figure out what is working, and do this more often. However, when things are not going as well as you’d like, you may also want to ask yourself what you might do differently. The point of this book is not to convince you to give something up. I want to help you become more aware of what you are doing and why and then use this improved self-awareness to make some decisions about what to change and what to leave as is. With that said, it’s easy in our culture—where we regularly hear messages about the need to improve oneself—to become overwhelmed by the feeling that we have to work on everything about ourselves all of the time. We all have our anxieties, weaknesses, and struggles in life; we simply have to figure out which are most important for us to work on. Priorities and contexts change over the course of our lives. Consider how much a particular weakness or lack of a certain skill is truly affecting your life right now. If this obstacle is keeping you from something significant and important, then it is something on which you should spend your time and energy. Just to underscore this point with a straightforward example, let’s say that you are afraid of snakes but you live in the city.You never run into any snakes in the city, so this anxiety doesn’t get in your way and consequently there is little reason to challenge this. However, you meet a new romantic partner who likes to go camping.Would your snake phobia get

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in the way in this case? If so, it might be time to reconsider whether or not to address this anxiety. I would like you to keep this idea in mind as you read through this book when thinking about your perfectionism. You might read something that resonates with you; however, just because you recognize that you might want to change an aspect of yourself, don’t get bogged down feeling that you absolutely must do something about it.

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PART

I

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Understanding Your Perfectionism

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1 Definitions and Types of Perfectionism

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“You’re such a perfectionist.” Are we supposed to feel insulted or flattered when we receive this comment? And what do people mean when they say that anyway? Do they label us as such because we are detailoriented, organized, and systematic? When people enter my office as the executive director of the International OCD Foundation, they typically remark how neat and organized it is: “Suffer from the same affliction you claim to treat, huh?” Do they mean that being neat and organized qualifies me for obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD)? I thought I was just trying to give a good impression! You know, look competent—like an executive director should look. I mean, wouldn’t it be a little strange if I had all of my files and books strewn around the office with the past three days’ worth of coffee cups piled up? So, what are we referring to when we say someone is a perfectionist? Is perfectionism a behavior that includes being detail-oriented and organized? Is it an intention, like giving feedback to help improve someone’s performance and achieve a certain standard? Is it an attitude, one in which you are always concerned about not making mistakes and 5

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Understanding Your Perfectionism

giving others the “right” impression of you? Or, is it about outcomes only? In other words, can you still be a perfectionist if you have a messy office? What behaviors and attitudes define perfectionism? As a result of discussions with my patients and my research on perfectionism, I’ve put together the following list of possible ways to define and describe perfectionism. Try to determine which of the following definitions might apply to you as you read through. To help you get a better sense of how each aspect of perfectionism operates I will also give examples of healthy and unhealthy perfectionism. For now though, just notice how many different ways there are to think about what being perfectionistic means and whether each of these categories resonates with you. I will have you think through the healthy and unhealthy dimension in the next chapter.

Absence of Mistakes or Flaws We often consider something to be “perfect” when we can no longer find any errors, mistakes, or flaws. Copy editors, for example, review and reread manuscripts looking for spelling errors, grammatical mistakes, and so on. If they don’t turn in “error-free” manuscripts, they may lose their jobs. Emma is one such copy editor who truly enjoys her work—particularly the detail-oriented aspect of it. Although she might miss something on occasion, this is rare. Emma is considered a go-to person in her office, and she takes great pride in the fact that manuscripts she edits come out “flawless.” John, on the other hand, works in the same office doing the same kind of work, but can become so consumed with finding errors, that he spends too much time reviewing each manuscript. He begins missing deadlines, thinking about how terrible it would be if a mistake slipped by him.What would his boss say? What would others think of him if this was the kind of product he turned in? He gets so stressed at work now that he finds himself surfing the Internet rather than doing his job. He simply finds it too anxiety provoking to go back to that manuscript. In both cases, each person defines a good product as one with minimal errors. The way in which each person goes about making this happen, however, is quite different. Emma’s problem-solving approach

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stays focused on what she enjoys doing, whereas John gets bogged down in “what if ” scenarios that leave him preoccupied and stuck.

Personal Standards Sometimes when you’ve done something “perfectly,” it simply means that you achieved a particular standard you set for yourself. For example, you earned As in your classes, which ensured a high grade point average (GPA), which got you into graduate school or helped you land your first job. Striving to achieve a personal standard like this can lead to increased endurance, accomplishment, and feelings of satisfaction. However, when taken to an extreme, these standards can become a source of diminished self-esteem, a feeling that “nothing is ever good enough,” and a belief that you’ll never be able to achieve true perfection. It can also lead to a rigid adherence to following a rule: “It has to be done this way,” “It’s always been done this way,” or “Do something right or don’t do it at all.” Dan is a marketing executive who works collaboratively with his team, enjoys the brainstorming process, and feels comfortable making final decisions about where projects are going. He regularly produces high-quality work, feels satisfied in his accomplishments, and uses feedback from his clients as indications that he’s met the appropriate expectations. Another marketing exec named Sophia tends to take a different approach. She dictates to her team and rarely compliments others for their ideas. She also seems to make decisions about projects based on fear of being evaluated negatively rather than inspiring a creative process. Sophia’s employees regularly doubt themselves, and many describe Sophia as controlling, critical, and undermining, claiming that “everything has to be done her way.” Sophia also seems unhappy at work, never satisfied with her own projects and outcomes.

Meeting an Expectation One might also define perfectionism as having matched an expectation that someone else has set. For example, let’s say that your boss informed you that you just gave an excellent presentation. As a result

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Understanding Your Perfectionism

of this praise, you feel good about your effort and outcomes. Alternatively, however, you can also feel that others always have high standards for you—whether this is real or perceived. You worry that they’re constantly pushing you to adhere to those standards and evaluating you negatively when you don’t. (Notice that this is different from comparing your performance to your own personal standards as mentioned earlier.) Hannah recognizes that her hard work pays off when she receives praise and recognition from her boss. She is open to feedback and uses input from others to improve her outcomes. As a result, she receives better projects, as well as promotions and bonuses. Bill, on the other hand, is constantly stressed and anxious about getting recognition from others. He feels guilty and constantly assumes that he has let everyone down. He becomes so preoccupied with pleasing others that he doesn’t really have a direction or clear plan at work.

Order and Organization Order, organization, and having “everything in its place” are yet other ways to think about perfectionism. An organized filing cabinet increases efficiency; a clean, uncluttered office is attractive to clients; and a bookshelf with books arranged by subject or author makes it easier to find things quickly. I have 32 file folders on my computer. If someone asks me for a document, I know which category or folder to go into to retrieve it. It increases my efficiency and saves me time. However, Elizabeth—an office manager—can’t seem to start work until her desk is cleaned up and organized. Not only does she like her space clean and organized, she always seems to be arranging everything around the office. She gets lost in the details of organizing, which in turn makes her less efficient. Because she is always reorganizing and rearranging everything, she is regularly in conflict with her coworkers, who find her behavior intrusive and interfering with their own work.

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Ideals and “Just Right” Experiences Have you ever heard about Plato’s concept of forms—the philosophical idea that asks questions like, what makes a chair a chair? What is the prototypical chair? What does it look like? Is it wood or metal? Can it have three legs and still be a chair, or does it have to have four legs? What is the “perfect” chair? In this theoretical musing, Plato was trying to discern an ideal version of something—one to which all other variations could be compared. For example—what is the “perfect” television commercial, the one that has just the right balance of novelty, humor, and poignancy, to which all others aspire? Sometimes we “know” that something is ideal because it hits us “just right”; it looks, feels, and sounds right. “That was the ideal version of Beethoven’s Ninth Symphony. Everything about it sounded right.” Artists, performers, athletes, advertisers, chefs, and marketers, among others, are always looking for this sweet spot of experience. Have you ever hit a tennis ball where the connection of the ball to the racket felt just right and the ball went exactly where you wanted it to go? Or looked at a photograph where the combination of color, light, and images were so well balanced you just had to include it in your next marketing pitch or presentation? Listen to judges on the glut of reality shows for cooking, fashion, and dance. These experts always give higher scores for a harmony of experience—in short, something that is an ideal. Advertising executive Chloe has great taste, as well as a knack for picking out images and phrases that complement one another. She always seems to be doing her research and looking at a wide variety of mediums, colors, and ideas, and she has an instinctive way of harmonizing balance with interest. She knows how to keep concepts simple, yet engaging, and clients love her work. The style of Chloe’s fellow ad exec Caitlin, however, is truly timeconsuming. She always seems frantic, hectic, and inconsolable. Nothing is ever good or “perfect” enough for her. Although Caitlin submits projects, she always seems to have her own criticism ready, apologizing in advance even when she gets positive feedback from others. As a result, others second-guess the quality of her work as well.

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Absolutes: Knowledge, Certainty, and Safety Hyperlinks on the Internet are seductive in that they seem to offer the implicit promise to tell you everything possible about a topic. To have absolute, complete, comprehensive knowledge about something—to be convinced that this is the right direction to take—is very satisfying and reassuring. Feeling that there is no risk in an activity or option—that it is completely safe—can be very comforting. Although it’s a more subtle form of perfectionism, it is interesting to me how many people choose to “wait and see” rather than act in the absence of a guarantee that all will be well. A variation on this is when people chronically doubt their actions. Some people are never sure that they’ve made the right decision and are always second-guessing themselves even when they do act. Waiting for the “perfect solution” to present itself (i.e., one that offers absolute guarantees of only positive outcomes and an absence of negative outcomes) can be a surefire way to sit on your hands and procrastinate. “Make sure you do your due diligence” is the healthy core of this version of perfectionism. In other words: do all your research, think through the implications, and assess your options. Stan, a certified financial analyst (CFA) at an investment consulting firm, is known for this kind of excellent research, knowledge base, and efficiency. He always seems to know what the best options are and feels confident in his recommendations. In contrast, MBA student Sarah worries about not getting her degree because she hasn’t even begun to write her thesis. She feels that she hasn’t researched enough—even though she has already read 50 books on the subject—and worries she will be unethical or fraudulent unless she accurately represents all of the research. She ends up being handicapped by a strong need for perfect knowledge before getting started on her thesis.

Being the Best and the “Best of the Best” Winning a gold medal at the Olympics is surefire sign of recognition that you are the best in your sport. Many of us watched Michael Phelps swim at the 2008 Beijing Olympics, wanting him to be crowned “the best of the best,” to win the most gold medals won by a single person

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in Olympic history. Western cultures are seemingly obsessed with this notion of “best of the best”—the top-selling record, highest-grossing movie, or most influential scientist of all time.When running my perfectionism group, I usually ask the attendees what drove their perfectionism. What did they want the outcome to be, and what was all of their hard work aimed toward? My favorite answer: “I want a statue built of me.” Don’t we all? Dave is driven by a need to stand out at his law firm, an approach that has worked well for him over the past 20 years. He has slowly climbed the corporate ladder and is now a partner with a corner office. He attributes this determination to be better than anyone else to his success. Although Jacob started at the same law firm at the same time as Dave, Jacob is not a partner and does not have a corner office. Jacob is no less driven than Dave; he also talks about being the “best of the best.” However, Jacob is overtly competitive, arrogant, and materialistic. He turns off both his coworkers and his boss. He constantly talks about how amazing his work is and regularly feels that others just “don’t get what he’s doing.” Part of Jacob “being the best” seems to involve getting others feel less than. Table 1.1 Types of Perfectionism ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■

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Absence of mistakes or flaws Achieving personal standards Matching others’ expectations Order and organization Ideals and “just right” experiences Absolutes: Knowledge, certainty, and safety Best of the best

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Summary Now you have a clearer sense of what the different kinds of perfectionism are. You also noticed that as I defined each type of perfectionism (Table 1.1), I gave examples of individuals who fell on either extreme of the unhealthy and healthy perfectionism dimension. That is, depending on the context and the strategy one uses, an outcome could go from outstanding to disastrous. It seems strange at first glance to think that the same intention (wanting an outcome to be “perfect”) would result in diametrically opposed outcomes. This, however, is the critical insight of understanding the difference between unhealthy and healthy perfectionism. In the next chapter, I’ll begin to clarify further how concerns over mistake making, for example, can work for you as they do for Emma, discussed earlier in this chapter—versus poor John, who seems to be paralyzed.

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2 Building Your Perfectionism Profile

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You may have seen yourself in some of the positive portrayals—as well as some of the negative scenarios—as you read through the definitions in Chapter 1. Or, you may recognize yourself somewhere between these two extremes. For example, concern about mistakes can make you detailoriented and a valuable asset at work—or it can make you controlling, anxious, and a procrastinator. The way you use a particular strategy—not the strategy itself—is what results in either positive or negative outcomes. In addition, the same behavior that pays off in one context might backfire in another. This is why you should focus on continuing to do what is actually working and discontinue using tactics that are not. In the following section, ask yourself how your perfectionism affects your behavior, feelings, thoughts, and relationships with others—and try to determine where you fall on the healthy or unhealthy end of the continuum for each. At the end of this chapter, I will ask you to locate yourself on each of these dimensions of perfectionism. In doing so, you will get a clearer sense of your own personal strengths and weaknesses when it comes to perfectionism.This exercise will also help you consider 15

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Understanding Your Perfectionism

which of the following chapters are relevant to you in terms of understanding what your strengths are and where you might consider making changes.

Behavior: Personal Standards A book on perfectionism would typically begin by telling you that your personal standards are too high. However, consistent findings in perfectionism research show that those who set high standards for themselves frequently have better outcomes. So the better question to ask here is: How often do you achieve the standards you set for yourself in important areas of your life? Do you normally reach your goals, or do you fall short of what you were hoping for much of the time? The larger the gap between what your objectives and your actual outcomes, the closer to “unhealthy” you would fall on the continuum below: Unhealthy 1

Healthy 2

3

There’s frequently a large gap between my goals and my actual outcomes.

4

5

6

7

I typically achieve the goals I set for myself or come close enough for my own satisfaction.

A second issue associated with personal standards relates to how flexible you are. Do you always have to follow rules and guidelines and do things a certain way to achieve the “right” outcome? Sometimes, blind and rigid rule following is effective, in part, because it is easier and because it puts you on autopilot. Tasks like writing yet another memo for the next board meeting don’t always have to be groundbreaking or attention grabbing. You can essentially use the same format and update the board members on the same project you presented last time. In this case, rule following makes you more efficient and allows you to multitask. The unhealthy tendencies occur when you follow rules solely for the sake of following rules—because it “has to be done” a certain way

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Building Your Perfectionism Profile

and should always be done that way. Although this can occasionally be effective, it can also backfire if it causes interpersonal conflict with others. This kind of inflexibility can also lead to an inability to adapt when necessary and can encourage an inclination to fight creativity. Unyielding people sometimes tell me that they can’t be considered perfectionists because, for example, their filing systems are a mess. When I ask them what it would entail to clean up and organize their files, they often describe a back-breaking, time-consuming, mindnumbing, detail-oriented process so exhausting that it’s preferable to avoid it all together—rather than to even get started and not do it “right.” Unhealthy 1

Healthy 2

3

4

I always have to follow a rule, even when I recognize it might not work all of the time.

5

6

7

I follow rules and guidelines when they work, but I am flexible, adaptable, and creative when I need to be.

A third area related to personal standards is whether or not you have to be “the best at everything.” For example, perhaps someone is an excellent, well-respected lawyer during the week but also feels driven to be a world-class golfer on weekends (even if golf is played only once in a while). Are you content to excel in the areas where your talents lie and play to strengths about which you have an intrinsic interest and excitement? Or are you someone who has to compete and outdo everyone in everything, regardless of whether you are, in fact, any good at it, have any practice or skill at it, or are even interested in the task? Unhealthy 1

Healthy 2

3

I have to be the best at everything, whether or not I have any skill or interest in the activity.

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4

5

6

7

I am good about devoting time and energy to those areas in my life where my strengths are.

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Understanding Your Perfectionism

Behavior: Decision Making and Prioritizing Being a healthy perfectionist means you are an excellent problem solver. In part, this means you are good at multitasking and prioritizing what needs to be done and when.You are able to recognize a point of diminishing returns and therefore know when to redistribute your time and energy to other activities. On the unhealthy end of this continuum, you see all tasks as being equally important, making it difficult to prioritize. Everything you work on has to be done 100 percent with the same level of detail, energy, and attention. Making sure your grammar and punctuation are correct in an e-mail to a supervisee ends up being as important as a well-executed report due to a client by 5 pm. Unhealthy 1

Healthy 2

3

I have difficulty prioritizing tasks because I believe that everything is equally important and has to be done equally well.

4

5

6

7

I match time and energy appropriately to a given task’s relevance and importance and can prioritize accordingly.

Behavior: Meeting Deadlines Does your perfectionism keep you on time? Are you usually able to deliver completed projects when you say that you can? Or do you occasionally fall behind, miss deadlines, and procrastinate? Many of the previously discussed behaviors can result in missed deadlines and procrastination, as concerns about making a mistake often lead to overediting and constant reviewing of a project that needs to be turned in. Someone like this, who attempts to achieve a high personal standard, will never cut corners on any project. This can frequently result in major delays on projects, despite the fact that one’s boss and/or clients rarely notice the extra time and energy spent on the small details. Being unable to distinguish more important assignments from less important ones—and focus your attention accordingly—usually means that you miss some deadlines

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Building Your Perfectionism Profile

because you can’t pull yourself away from a less important task in order to complete a more important one. Do you tend to justify missed deadlines because you claim to generate “better” products as a result of the extra time you take? If this is the case, make sure that your boss shares your standards. We’ve all had the professor who wrote at the bottom of our term papers that this was one of the “best she had ever seen”—along with the caveat that “If it had been turned in on time, you would have gotten an A; but because you turned it in two weeks late, you got a C.” Bosses, clients, and coworkers might feel the same way. Unhealthy 1

Healthy 2

3

I have a poor track record of meeting deadlines and frequently miss due dates on particularly important projects.

4

5

6

7

I typically meet timelines that I or others set for me.

Behavior: Order and Organization I’ve always been known as an organized and efficient individual in every job I’ve held. Both my office and my house are always in order. Although it might take some time to set up a filing system or compile a to-do list or outline, it usually pays off for me. When I supervised predoctoral psychology interns who brought up a particularly difficult issue with a client, I was ordinarily able to find a relevant article or handout in my filing cabinet that would prove to be useful. On the other end of the continuum, the obsession to have “everything in its place” can become so time-consuming that one loses the forest for the trees. For example, developing a filing system should actually make one more—not less—efficient over time. I once worked with an individual who said he was trying to file papers into different folders. However, because each document had different information that he wanted to ensure he kept, every paper was eventually placed in its own file. He ended up having so many files that not only was the initial

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Understanding Your Perfectionism

project time-consuming, but it didn’t help him find what he was looking for any more efficiently, because he now had too many files! Unhealthy 1

Healthy 2

3

4

My attempts at order and organization actually slow me down.

5

6

7

My attempts at order and organization lead to increased efficiency.

Behavior: Response to Making Mistakes Although it is important to have your boss, colleagues, and supervisees see you as credible, competent, and good at your job, you must realize that you are going to make mistakes. So how do you respond when you do make mistakes? When you turn in a project or give a presentation, do you believe that it was mostly error free? Are you happy with the effort you put into it and believe that it was worth your time? Or, do you repeatedly review and edit your work to make sure there aren’t any mistakes, thereby resulting in the aforementioned missed deadlines? Unhealthy 1

Healthy 2

3

I frequently worry about making mistakes, which results in time-consuming overediting, missed deadlines, and stress about the consequences of making such errors.

4

5

6

7

My diligence about being careful to catch my mistakes usually pays off .

Emotions Common emotions that accompany perfectionism can range from low self-esteem to confidence; from anxious and tense to determination and persistence; from chronic dissatisfaction to a sense of accomplishment.

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Think about the emotions you typically experience when engaged in or after completing important tasks. Do you feel as though your selfworth rides on every project you produce? Are you of the opinion that anything you’ve done that others judge to be less than perfect leaves you questioning everything you’ve done before? Or are you able to recognize that you have different strengths and weaknesses, and are happy to accept what you do well and shrug off less-than-ideal outcomes? Can you recognize that it’s okay to not be at your best for everything all of the time? Unhealthy 1

Healthy 2

3

4

No matter how many successes I’ve had, any perceived failure has me significantly questioning myself and my abilities.

5

6

7

I recognize my own strengths and weaknesses and realize that I don’t have to excel at everything all of the time in order to feel good about myself.

In a related vein—do you actually enjoy your work and the tasks and duties you are asked to complete? Are you filled with a sense of challenge and excitement about having the opportunity to solve a puzzle, improve a system, or impress a client? Or are you filled with anxiety and dread, feeling stressed out and worried about what others are going to think? Are you the type of person who is satisfied with your projects at the end—or are you someone who always notices what “could have been better” and is frequently disappointed in the outcome? Unhealthy 1

Healthy 2

3

I am chronically stressed, anxious, and dissatisfied while working on tasks and evaluating the related results.

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4

5

6

7

I like a good challenge. I typically feel determination, focus, and excitement about the prospect of solving a problem.

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Attention and Evaluation On the healthy end of the continuum, perfectionism compels people to concentrate on the positive, strive for success, notice what’s going right, and feel motivated by receiving positive feedback from others. On the unhealthy end, the focus is directed more toward the negative: trying to avoid failure, obsessing over what’s going wrong, and directing one’s efforts and energy toward trying to dodge others’ criticism and negative feedback. What are your habits in this area? Although I’m not suggesting that we all wear “rose-colored glasses,” I do encourage you to recognize that the place from which we derive our motivation has a lot to do with our overall sense of satisfaction and stress level. Unhealthy 1

Healthy 2

3

I focus on the negative: I worry about failure and how terrible it would be if I made a mistake, and I fear being criticized.

4

5

6

7

I focus on the positive: I strive for success, build on what’s going right, and enjoy a challenge.

A question that naturally follows from this topic is: Do you tend to be all-or-none in your thinking and evaluations, or do you take a more balanced view? Are you able to count both your successes and failures? Does one misused word ruin an entire presentation? Is a single negative comment the only one you hear? Do you see one typo too late and consider an entire 50-page document to be a disaster? Although it’s understandable that you might be disappointed in a less-than-desired outcome, it is important to remember that it all counts. We learn in Western cultures to think in either/or; one mistake cancels out one achievement (or more). This contrasts with a more beneficial “and/both” attitude: “There were flaws and mistakes I would like to fix, but there were also excellent points and overall positive comments made.”

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Building Your Perfectionism Profile Unhealthy 1

Healthy 2

3

My evaluations are all-ornothing: Negatives cancel out positives.

4

5

6

7

I am pretty balanced in my evaluations. I notice and count both positives and negatives.

A third habit in perfectionistic thinking relates to the distinction between feeling reasonably confident about one’s actions and ability to move forward or chronically doubting oneself and one’s skills. Consider the manager who invites thoughts, opinions, and suggestions and who is able to reach a conclusion and feel comfortable with it when it is time to do so. Once he or she has made the decision, the entire team can get to work.Time is not wasted, everyone feels included, and there is a sense of security in having good leadership. On the unhealthy end, consider managers who are always questioning themselves and unsure about which direction to take. They’re continually inviting suggestions and ideas, but are unable to act on any of them. It seems that the same problems continually arise, yet they never seem to find solutions. This tendency relates to the idea of “absolutes” discussed earlier. Does any of this sound familiar to you? Are you unwilling to make a decision or move forward on something if you have any doubts at all? In other words—are you waiting for a risk-free, “perfect” solution in which there are only advantages and no disadvantages? Some implications of this kind of behavior might be that you find yourself stalling and trying to generate new solutions while missing out on opportunities. Remember, there is a fine line between effective problem solving and chronic worry. These two processes do share several overlapping features and actions: identifying a problem, generating possible solutions, and thinking through the implications of each possible solution. However, effective problem solving means you actually have to choose a solution to implement. Worry results in playing out all of the possible outcomes over and over again in your head. None of the alternatives seem to be better than the others; there are costs associated with all of them, and picking among the “lesser of two evils” doesn’t seem fair or

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Understanding Your Perfectionism

reasonable. However, there are times when action is far more effective than inaction—and inaction is usually an undesirable option. Perfectionists who chronically doubt themselves seem to believe that thinking about a problem and doing something about it are one and the same. Not only is this is inaccurate, but it is also a dangerous and unhelpful stance. For example, Josh, a vice president at a data consulting organization, recognized that the outdated computers in the office were slowing everyone down. He determined there was some room in the budget to get new computers for everyone, so he began researching the different options. However, his research kept leading him to information about the new features that were “coming soon,” reductions in pricing if he just waited another month, and bugs that may or may not have been worked out in various operating systems. Although Josh had promised his staff new computers—and understood that any upgrade would be helpful at this point— he continued his research for several months in an attempt to guarantee that he was making the absolute right choice. Eight months went by without new computers. By that point, some of the office computers were crashing, which resulted in the loss of important data and valuable staff time. My rule of thumb: Effective problem solving involves reflection and consideration, followed up with action. If you don’t change behavior or act upon a decision, then you are simply engaging in fruitless worry. Unhealthy 1

Healthy 2

3

I am a chronic doubter. It seems impossible to make a final decision on something and stick to it.

4

5

6

7

I find it relatively easy to feel comfortable with a decision once I’ve made one.

Another question to consider: how do you respond when something turns out to be less than what you consider “perfect” or when you feel you have made a mistake? Those with unhealthy responses tend to engage in harsh criticism of themselves and even hate themselves for making the mistake.Think for a moment about the function of self-criticism, that is, when you evaluate a job that you’ve completed. Do you respond by becoming

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angry and calling yourself names if you find that you are unhappy in the outcome? If so, what is the intention or purpose of doing this? For example, you say to yourself,“I am such an idiot. I shouldn’t make mistakes like these. If I am really hard on myself it will keep me from repeating the same mistake in the future and motivate me to work harder. It will drive me to get rid of those qualities I don’t like in myself.” Does this sound familiar? Think of a time when you have done this recently. Did it actually help you to feel more motivated or energized? Or did you end up feeling worse about yourself, demoralized, and perhaps even exhausted? Furthermore, this self-criticism doesn’t suggest what you should actually do differently next time to avoid failure. In fact, what usually underlies this personal reprimand is the same thing that exists behind all punishment strategies: wrath and vengeance. Most of the time, harsh evaluation toward oneself or others is merely a frustrated lashing out, done with the intent to make someone (including ourselves) feel bad— because the person “deserves” it.The apparent logic behind self-criticism essentially states that you deserve to be punished when you do something imperfectly so that you won’t do it in this substandard way again. On the healthier end of this continuum are responses that include a focus on self-correction and self-reassurance. This occurs when people tell themselves things like: “I didn’t like how that turned out. What can I do differently or better next time?” or “Although this project didn’t turn out as well as I would have liked, I can work harder or differently next time. In general, I seem to do pretty well on these types of tasks. Next time, it will go better.” It is okay to be disappointed in an outcome. However, harsh self-criticism doesn’t solve any problems. And what’s even worse—it distracts you from effective problem solving! Unhealthy 1

Healthy 2

3

I tend to criticize myself harshly whenever my performance seems to fall short of my standards.

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4

5

6

7

I recognize mistakes that I make, and although I’m disappointed with them, I cultivate a problem-solving approach toward improving the next time.

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Interpersonal Relationships As a perfectionist, people might think of you as the go-to person—one who is dependable, reliable, a team player, or even a leader. Or, people might consider you to be defensive, controlling, never satisfied with your own or others’ work, overly critical, and a procrastinator. For example, although I value my friend Christine’s comments on my writing, I always cringe when I get her feedback and wonder if it always has to be so extreme and dramatic. She always has great ideas and I usually even agree with her edits, but they way she delivers her suggestions for improvements always leaves me feeling demoralized and lacking in skills. Unhealthy 1

Healthy 2

3

4

Others tend to see me as controlling and critical.

5

6

7

Others tend to see me as collaborative and a good team player.

When someone gives you constructive criticism, do you immediately start to wonder whether that person likes or respects you? If 10 people compliment you but one person makes a negative comment about your work, do you feel that you have failed? Do you notice that people don’t give you feedback very much anymore, perhaps because they feel like they are hurting your feelings, no matter how carefully and nicely they give it? This is the opposite of the example presented previously. It is important to make the distinction between feedback that is, in fact, honest versus that which is just (unhelpfully) critical. Sometimes the person giving the feedback is being unnecessarily harsh, but sometimes, the recipient is being unnecessarily sensitive. Unhealthy 1

Healthy 2

3

I am devastated by any negative comments I receive, even when I receive positive input as well.

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4

5

6

7

I am pretty good at taking constructive criticism, using what is valuable and disregarding what isn’t.

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Do you expend a lot of energy trying to hide your perceived flaws or mistakes from others? For example, do you collaborate and ask for input along the way when you are working on a project by allowing others to see rough drafts? Or do you hide your work on from others and agree to share only final results? Perhaps you worry that showing them anything less than the finished product might make them think you’re incapable of completing the necessary work. Patients with whom I talked about this subject sometimes admitted that they were also trying to “protect their potential.” In other words, they neglected to put forth their absolute best efforts, because if they did and these efforts were judged to not be superior, they would be devastated. They would truly know then that they weren’t the “best of the best.” Occasionally, they would purposely complete inferior work. If they received negative judgment, they could tell themselves that they didn’t really give their all anyway. Unhealthy 1

Healthy 2

3

I never show works in progress to anyone for fear that they might think I’m not competent.

4

5

6

7

I am comfortable with others weighing in with their comments and ideas along the way when working on a task.

Do you spend a lot of time thinking about trying to live up to the expectations that you perceive others have for you, or are you focused on meeting your own goals? It might be intolerable for you to have someone upset with, disappointed in, or angry at you. Recognizing someone else’s negative feelings toward you likely generates a tremendous amount of guilt and stress. This can result in your doubling and tripling your efforts, even if you think their appraisal is unfair or unwarranted. People with a healthier outlook tend to recognize that they “can’t please all of the people all of the time.” Different individuals have different tastes, likes, interests, and values. You do the best you can to incorporate others’ standards and ideas, but in the end, you are usually satisfied when you are happy with your efforts’ outcome.

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Understanding Your Perfectionism

Unhealthy 1

Healthy 2

3

I spend a lot of time trying to live up to others’ expectations or trying not to upset others, rather than focusing on meeting my own goals.

4

5

6

7

I am driven by a need to satisfy myself and achieve my own personally set goals.

Based on your responses to the previous descriptions, you’re now ready to begin outlining your perfectionism profile (Table 2.1). This assessment will give a thorough overview of the areas in which you excel (strengths to build on) and where your struggles regarding perfectionism are (areas you might consider changing).You can write in the actual numbers or just use a check mark system; do whatever is the most useful to you. My hope in having you build this profile is that you might find it valuable for a couple of reasons. First, rather than thinking that you have to give up all of your perfectionist tendencies and start over, you can instead just build on some of the strengths you already have. Second, if you did score yourself on the unhealthier end in some areas, you already have a goal you can set for yourself articulated on the healthy end. For example, let’s say that you recognize that you are someone who never shows rough drafts to others. You can then concentrate on being more open and collaborative; this is a concrete direction and strategy toward which you can navigate. That being said, I recognize that this approach—to just stop doing one thing (unhealthy perfectionism) and start doing another (healthy perfectionism)—may seem overly simplistic. Even if you agree that these are examples of how your perfectionism backfires and therefore isn’t working for you, it might not seem feasible to just up and change what you have been doing for years and adapt a completely different attitude. For example, I am sure that when some of you read this section: “. . . say that you recognize that you are someone who never shows rough drafts to others.You can then concentrate on being more open and collaborative; this is a concrete direction and strategy toward which you can navigate”

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Building Your Perfectionism Profile Table 2.1

My Perfectionism Profile Unhealthy

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Healthy

1. My goals and outcomes match.

_________ _________

2. I am flexible and adaptable.

_________ _________

3. I devote time and energy to strengths.

_________ _________

4. I am good at prioritizing.

_________ _________

5. I am good at meeting deadlines.

_________ _________

6. I am organized and efficient.

_________ _________

7. My concerns about making mistakes pays off .

_________ _________

8. I recognize my strengths and weaknesses.

_________ _________

9. I have a positive attitude toward upcoming projects.

_________ _________

10. My focus is on success, not worrying about failure.

_________ _________

11. I am balanced in self-evaluations.

_________ _________

12. I am comfortable with making decisions.

_________ _________

13. I engage in problem solving versus self-criticism.

_________ _________

14. I am a collaborative team player.

_________ _________

15. I am good at taking constructive criticism.

_________ _________

16. I ask others for help when needed.

_________ _________

17. I am driven by own goals, not the need to please others.

_________ _________

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The following might have gone through your head: “Well, okay, I guess I should just start being more open and collaborative and show more of my rough drafts to anyone and everyone interested in evaluating me as a total imbecile with the writing skills of a four-year-old. I don’t really need my job anyway. I can just live in a box out in the street. Thanks a ton, Dr. Szymanski.” Bear with me. I will try to address this dilemma of resisting change in the next chapter.

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3 Insight Doesn’t Always Lead to Change

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Pros and Cons: An Overview In this chapter I want to talk more specifically about the costs and benefits of your perfectionistic behavior, how you might be stuck, and some strategies to begin maneuvering around those obstacles. To do this I want to describe in more detail a treatment strategy called motivational interviewing (MI). MI was developed with the goal of helping problem drinkers resolve their ambivalence about their detrimental alcohol use. According to this model, ambivalence is a conflict between two courses of action: to drink or not to drink. This approach openly acknowledges that each option has benefits and costs associated with it. Therapists using this treatment approach point out that direct persuasion (i.e.,“Stop drinking. It is ruining your life!”) doesn’t work. And in fact, there is a good amount of evidence that supports their claim. In other words, it works better when you start an interaction with someone by attempting to understand his or her intention. If you try to discern why individuals do what they do, as well as the function it serves (i.e., what does it do 33

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Understanding Your Perfectionism

for them?), they’ll likely feel more understood than judged—and will therefore respond less defensively. As a result, they become more curious and open to change. When you acknowledge that there are payoffs as well as costs associated with a behavior, you deliver a message that feels more validating and motivating to the recipient. Let’s use another example outside of the realm of perfectionism for a moment. Most people agree that cigarette smoking increases the likelihood of developing lung cancer, thereby shortening smokers’ life spans. Given these pretty significant negative outcomes, the obvious question always is: “Why would someone continue to smoke?” In fact, if you do ask smokers why they continue to do so, many will say things like: “It relaxes me,” “I feel less anxious afterward,” “It’s an opportunity to get out of the office and away from my boss,” “It’s a nice distraction and takes my mind of things,” “It’s an easy way to reward myself and get through the day,” and so on. And if we look only at the desired outcomes, these actually seem like pretty good reasons to smoke. In many cases, we continue to engage in a behavior because it is somehow advantageous for us. However, when the behavior is something like smoking—one with pleasant payoffs but catastrophic costs—we can feel caught between a rock and a hard place and end up paralyzed: “If I stop smoking, I’m going to be a wreck, but I know I will be healthier. Obviously I want to be healthier, but I don’t think I can manage all of the stress and anxiety that will come up when I stop.” You’re stuck! Let’s apply the same principles to the idea of perfectionism. By now, you may be thinking more about how your perfectionism works great in some areas of your life, but not so much in others. When it doesn’t work, you might find the costs to be so high that you (and people around you) wonder why you aren’t trying to change them. When I ran my perfectionism therapy group, I was regularly struck by how I could get people to recognize that they might consider altering their perfectionism, but then watch them get repeatedly stuck when it came time to actually do something different. In these cases, I would engage them in a discussion about the advantages of their perfectionism versus the drawbacks. Based on these conversations, I put together Table 3.1, which shows commonly mentioned payoffs and costs associated with perfectionism.

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Insight Doesn’t Always Lead to Change Table 3.1

Payoffs and Costs Associated with Perfectionism

Advantages/Payoffs of Perfectionism

Disadvantages/Costs of Perfectionism

■

Sense of competence, confidence, and self-esteem

■

Chronic feelings of anxiety and stress

■

Increased feelings of satisfaction Increased feelings of accomplishment and achievement

■

Chronic feelings of guilt and disappointment about not achieving something important

■

Chronic feelings of anger and frustration at yourself and others

■

■

Viewed by others as dependable

■

Chronic exhaustion, fatigue, and low energy

■

Sense of appreciation of others

■

Low self-esteem

■

Release of tension

■

High effort for poor returns

■

Avoidance of ambiguity and uncertainty

■

Things become easily undone, even when done right initially

■

Avoidance of “catastrophic” consequences of making mistakes (looking stupid, feeling embarrassed, etc.)

■

High time consumption and upkeep demands that detract from other life goals or experiences

■

Increased attention and praise from others

■

False sense of security Rigid and controlling interpersonally High levels of task avoidance, procrastination, and missed deadlines

■

Sense of uniqueness or specialness

■

■

The same principle that we discussed in the smoking example applies to perfectionism. Even if you recognize that an approach backfires on you in some ways, you are also aware of all the ways in which it pays off for you. In addition, if you do change in an attempt to eliminate the downsides, you may inadvertently reduce your benefits as well. As a group therapy

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participant once said to me: “The reason I hang onto my perfectionism even when I recognize the poor payoffs is that I feel it is the only way to generate self-esteem.” So, let’s consider this pro-con analysis in more detail.

Pros and Cons: Getting Specific Start with the general list in Table 3.1 and begin to think more specifically about the costs and benefits that you associate with your perfectionistic behavior. The more specific, the better. One way to start this exercise is to think in terms of each of your job responsibilities. For example, you might have a lot of payoffs when it comes to writing but get mired down in the details when giving presentations.You might be open and flexible and have a good working relationship with your boss but recognize that you are controlling and demoralizing with your subordinates. Now add to this list the various ways in which your perfectionism operates in other parts of your life—in both good and bad ways. You may realize that although you experience numerous professional payoffs, they come at the expense of areas such as romantic relationships, family, friendships, physical health, mental health, leisure time, and spirituality. Or maybe you don’t suffer outside of a job because of your work habits; you are just a perfectionist in many areas in your life. Many people assume that a perfectionist is perfectionistic in every area of his or her life. However, some research has shown that although some individuals are pervasively perfectionistic, most have “pockets” of perfectionism. But in which parts of life do people most frequently exhibit their perfectionist tendencies? Work is at the top of the list, followed by school studies, then taking care of oneself (bodily hygiene and appearance), and social relationships. So, where do you notice your own perfectionist tendencies? Use the following worksheet to map out your “pockets” of perfectionism, as well as to figure out where it works—and where it doesn’t. As an aside, this previously mentioned study found that men and women were equally likely to report perfectionism and showed that perfectionism was not related to age.

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Payoffs from Perfectionism How does your perfectionism benefit you in the following areas? Work or School 1.____________________________________________________ 2.____________________________________________________ 3.____________________________________________________ 4.____________________________________________________

Relationships (romantic, family, friendships, coworkers) 1.____________________________________________________ 2.____________________________________________________ 3.____________________________________________________ 4.____________________________________________________

Health (physical, mental) and Appearance 1.____________________________________________________ 2.____________________________________________________ 3.____________________________________________________ 4.____________________________________________________

Other (fill in a domain relevant to you—examples could include household chores or hobbies) 1.____________________________________________________ 2.____________________________________________________ 3.____________________________________________________ 4.____________________________________________________

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Costs of Perfectionism How is your perfectionism detrimental to you in the following areas? Work and School 1.____________________________________________________ 2.____________________________________________________ 3.____________________________________________________ 4.____________________________________________________

Relationships (romantic, family, friendships, coworkers) 1.____________________________________________________ 2.____________________________________________________ 3.____________________________________________________ 4.____________________________________________________

Health (physical, mental) and Appearance 1.____________________________________________________ 2.____________________________________________________ 3.____________________________________________________ 4.____________________________________________________

Other (fill in a domain relevant to you—examples could include household chores or hobbies) 1.____________________________________________________ 2.____________________________________________________ 3.____________________________________________________ 4.____________________________________________________

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A Risk-Benefit Analysis So far we have been discussing advantages and disadvantages in a manner that conveys these outcomes have to be one or the other. However, it is fairly likely that your perfectionism sometimes pays off and sometimes backfires. One way to distinguish between the two is to figure out whether the good outweighs the bad. If you have more payoffs than costs associated with a behavior, then you’re exhibiting healthy perfectionism. However, unhealthy perfectionism is in play when you have more costs than benefits. In other words, you have to figure out the cost-benefit analysis of your perfectionism in each area of your life—and ask yourself how often your desired outcomes translate into actual outcomes. You can now use the payoffs and costs of your perfectionism— that you’ve just compiled—to estimate what the cost-benefit ratio is. For example, let’s consider the arena of your work life. Does your perfectionism pay off 80 percent of the time and backfire 20 percent of the time, or is it more like 60 percent pro and 40 percent con? Or, is this an unhealthy area of your life where benefits occur only 20 percent of the time and you experience the costs for the remaining 80 percent? Use your answers from the previous page to estimate the percentage of time your perfectionism works for and against you for each entry in Table 3.2. (Your totals across each category should add up to 100.)

“Okay—I’m Ready to Change Some Things, But . . .” Now that you’ve identified the costs and benefits of your perfectionism and completed your risk-benefit analysis, your perfectionism profile is taking shape.You continue to get a clearer sense of what your strengths are and where you use healthy perfectionism versus where you might be struggling. Perhaps you’re even ready to tackle some of these weak spots. You might assume that merely recognizing the need to change would be enough, for example, making statements such as, “I need to

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Understanding Your Perfectionism Table 3.2 Personal Benefits and Costs Associated with Perfectionism % of time perfectionism pays off

% of time perfectionism backfires

Work in General Specific work tasks 1. ________________ 2. ________________ 3. ________________ 4. ________________

__________

__________

__________ __________ __________ __________

__________ __________ __________ __________

Interpersonal Relationships in General

__________

__________

Romantic relationships Family relationships Friendships

__________ __________ __________

__________ __________ __________

Personal/Self-Care in General

__________

__________

Physical health Mental health Leisure/hobbies Spirituality/personal growth

__________ __________ __________ __________

__________ __________ __________ __________

quit smoking,” “I’ve got to get to the gym more often,” “I should get more sleep,” “I have to develop better eating habits,” and so on. We have numerous examples in our lives of what we should change and improve. However, the process of behavioral change is quite difficult for all of us. Before I offer you some alternatives to utilize for when the drawbacks of your perfectionism are not working, I want to spend a little more time

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talking about what it means to make behavioral changes—and what obstacles one might face during this process.

Stages of Change University of Rhode Island psychology professors James Prochaska and Wayne Velicer developed their “stages of change” model based in part on conversations with cigarette smokers who were trying to quit. They noted that the individuals with whom they spoke seemed to be in different places in terms of their “readiness to change” and that they seemed to use different strategies at different times. I want to introduce and incorporate some of Prochaska and Velicer’s ideas here, because these concepts partially address the reasons behind the observation we’ve made about both ourselves and others: Why do we persist in behaviors that seem to turn out poorly for us? Now that you have developed your own personal perfectionism profile and recognize that you might be interested in changing some of these habits, you can determine where you fall in the following descriptions of stages of change.

Pre-contemplation Pre-contemplation is the point during which you have no interest in changing any time soon. It could be because you really aren’t aware of the consequences of your behavior or because, after failing to change after a number of attempts, you have now given up. Maybe you just don’t have the time, or you don’t want to expend the effort. In fact, you don’t really think, talk, or even try to learn much about it. For example, you might recognize that you are excessively fearful of making mistakes, which causes enormous stress and unhappiness for you. However, you have decided that this is just “who you are” and that you and everyone else should just accept it. When people try to help or reassure you, you dismiss them or become defensive.You wish that you could be more laid back and not care so much, but it seems hopeless.

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Contemplation You are considering altering your habits during the contemplation stage, perhaps even as soon as the next six months or so. You have been thinking about changing but are struck by the fact that although there are advantages to it, there are also a number of barriers, obstacles, and costs. In the previous section of this chapter, I asked you to think through the actual benefits and disadvantages of your perfectionism by completing those worksheets. The contemplation stage differs somewhat, because you have to weigh the costs of engaging in the change process. For example, your concern about making mistakes was a key factor in your ending up in the corner office or was the impetus for your recognition from your peers and boss as the “best,” “more thorough,” “most dependable,” (fillin-the-blank) team member. But at the same time, you are constantly stressed, are barely getting any sleep, have been drinking more, and have developed terrible eating habits.You are starting to see that your concern about making errors is really taking its toll on you. After all, you already have the corner office! However, you worry that a willingness to work on mistake making means that you might lose status, thereby increasing your anxiety and forcing you to endure more intense feelings of guilt or disappointment from others. However, all of this short-term unease will likely result in reducing your overall stress level and enhancing your sense of satisfaction down the road. They are certainly hard choices to make, and it’s tempting to just “wait and see” whether a “perfect” solution comes along—one that will help you avoid the negatives and access only the positives. However, this strategy results in what Prochaska and Velicer call “chronic contemplation” or “behavioral procrastination.”

Preparation By the preparation stage, you have worked through the pros and cons of both your perfectionism and of making changes in your life. This phase puts you in the process of planning to take action in the immediate future (within the next month or so). You fall into this category if you are already making plans to change while reading this book (for example,

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maybe you have filled out the worksheets in the book so far).You might be realizing, and even accepting, the fact that the advantages of changing outweigh the short-term disadvantages of failing to change and might be developing a plan of action that addresses this understanding. Maybe you have talked with friends, coworkers, and your boss about how you are planning to do some things differently and are seeking their feedback before you proceed.

Action The action stage is what it purports to be. At this point, you are actually engaging in new behaviors, trying out new strategies, gathering feedback and information about what is working differently, and determining how to continue to adapt your strategies to improve your payoffs. It is my hope that this book’s readers will see themselves somewhere in each of these stages.You may also be at various places in different areas of your life. For example, perhaps you find yourself in the pre-contemplation stage in terms of making changes when it comes to your boss, but in the preparation stage when thinking about making a change in your working relationship with your coworkers or subordinates. So how do you move toward the action stage if that is what you have decided to do?

Processes of Change: Strategies to Help You Move Through the Stages of Change I once worked with a very successful marketing executive named Allen who actually hated marketing. He felt that he’d been pushed into the career by his domineering father. But, since the work came easily to Allen, he was climbing the ladder in his profession fairly quickly. He just didn’t find the work to be very rewarding. He wanted to make a career change but was stuck about how to proceed—because he was looking for the “perfect” job or the perfect next step. I advised Allen to start the process by thinking about what other careers appealed to him. Given the fact that he had a lot of interests

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and talents, he was faced with a variety of choices and options and just couldn’t decide. Every week, I sent him home with the assignment to begin thinking about a career change that would feel challenging and rewarding. He was supposed to be conducting job searches, but week after week, he came back with excuses. He “thought about a different career,” “considered going online to do a job search,” or was just too busy at work—the same job he hated. Allen was stuck in the chronic contemplation stage. We discovered over time that Allen’s major stumbling block was that he was terrified that if his next step was a mistake, it would be a catastrophic one. Therefore, he was stuck waiting for the perfect solution—one in which he would have complete confidence—to present itself. In addition to outlining the stages of change, Prochaska andVelicer also had some strategies for helping people move through these stages. One of these strategies—a risk-benefit analysis—has already been incorporated into this chapter. Following are some additional tactics that can help you begin the often-challenging process of changing your habits and ingrained behaviors. Keep these strategies in mind as you read through Part II of this book. If it occurs to you that you might want to make change in some aspect of your perfectionism, these ideas might prove useful. 1. Commitment to action: This entails both believing that you can make a change and committing to change. In particular, specific, concrete goals (“I am going to reduce my time spent editing by two hours per project”) are better than generalized goals (“I am going to change my approach to editing projects”), and public commitments are typically better than private commitments. For example, telling your boss about what you are going to do will more likely result in you following through than just promising yourself. By making this commitment publicly to others, you induce a sense of obligation. In Allen’s case, this meant getting him to update his résumé. In other words, it was a concrete step that included a specific task that represented his commitment to change as well as a public commitment he made to me in session. 2. Identify alternative strategies: You’ve decided it is time to experiment, so what exactly should you do differently and how? The second part of this book is devoted to alternatives. As mentioned previously, even if

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you recognize that your current habits aren’t working, you are likely to continue to engage in the same behavior over and over again if you don’t have a reasonable option to replace it. It is important, however, that this alternative be palatable and viable. For example, merely “lowering the bar” can’t be the substitution. Sometimes this is simply a skills deficit; that is, you don’t know what the alternatives are. For example, once I was back in session with Allen, I realized he didn’t actually know how to think through a career change. He had never done it before; marketing was the only job he knew. It was therefore essential that he break down his skill sets and figure out what talents and abilities he had developed in his previous roles. His concern was that he was trained only for marketing and that no one in another industry would hire a 40-something who didn’t have relevant job experience for the job to which he was applying. Allen worried that he wouldn’t be qualified for any position not in marketing. I tried to help him see that many of his talents and experiences weren’t solely specific to marketing; rather, they were general skills—leadership, management, complex problem solver, computer/ tech savvy—applicable to a wide variety of positions and industries. Once Allen began to see what he could bring to a different career, he could begin to envision new options. The other point to keep in mind as you generate alternatives is to inhibit the urge to quickly evaluate each option as wholly good or bad. Not only does this get in the way of effective brainstorming, but it begins to overwhelm you with too many details and uncertainties all at once. 3. Use cues and reminders: Olympic champion Michael Phelps hung a poster of Australian swimmer Ian Thorpes in his room as a motivator to train harder and stay committed to his training program prior to the 2008 Beijing Olympics. Once you have made a plan for change, make sure to leave reminders for yourself to keep you in touch with that commitment. For example, replace the sign in your office that says, “Success at all cost” with “Excellence and balance” if this is the direction you are seeking to take. I suggested that Allen find quotes, books, articles, and pictures of people in professions he would like to see himself doing in the future. This gave him a clear image of the goal toward which he was working. 4. Use a stepwise process: A number of years ago, I decided to start swimming. At about the same time, a friend of mine decided to begin

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Understanding Your Perfectionism going to the gym as well. He planned on weight lifting rather than swimming, but we decided it might help us stay committed to our new exercise routines if we checked in on each other’s progress. After my first week, I ran into him and admitted that I had made it to the pool just twice—and for only 15 minutes each time. I was exhausted each time I swam and wasn’t even sure if I was really improving. My friend, on the other hand, proudly informed me that he’d gone to the gym six times that week, for 90 minutes each time. Although he was sore, he claimed that he could already feel some of the benefits of this new workout schedule. This pattern repeated itself for the first couple of months. Although I managed to increase my time at the pool from two to three times a week for about 15 to 20 minutes, my friend continued to get in six workouts a week, for 90 minutes at a time. Then, in the third month, something began to shift. My endurance started to improve, my swim time was increasing to 20 to 30  minutes, and I was consistently visiting the gym three times a week. In the meantime, my friend began missing more and more of his trips to the gym. The discrepancy between where he started and where he was three months later led him to become pretty discouraged. To him, three weekly trips to the gym felt like a failure. In the end, he simply gave up and stopped working out, whereas I was able to continue to slowly build on earlier efforts. Ten years later, I continue to consistently swim three times a week for 30 minutes. I hope that the point I am making here is clear: If you are going to make changes, plan on taking one step at a time. Tackling everything all at once can be overwhelming and difficult to sustain. In terms of Allen’s progress at this point, he had updated his résumé, made a list of his skill sets, identified various professions he was considering pursuing, and was now beginning to do some real research on possible professional and educational opportunities. He had always thought about going back to school, but he could never figure out a way to plan for this. Now he had a much clearer road map. 5. Use social supports: There’s a reason that people claim that there is “strength in numbers.” Workout buddies, dieting partners, study groups, and AA sponsors are all examples of the ways in which people use social supports to remain committed to end goals. When one person’s commitment starts to fade, the other person or people are there to keep providing encouragement. Sometimes this was my role as a therapist—to cheerlead someone through difficult choices

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and transitions in life. Who are the cheerleaders in your life? How can you bring them into this difficult process of change with you to bolster your resolve if you begin to back down?

As a therapist, my job is typically to help individuals solve problems in their lives in situations where the answers are not particularly intuitive. For example, as noted earlier, simply saying to yourself, “I recognize the self-defeating nature of this behavior, and I am willing to change,” is usually not enough to actually bring about change. It is necessary in that you do need to make that commitment to change, but it is insufficient by itself. Many more steps must follow that declaration. Many people find it surprising to recognize that the change process is not linear. In other words, just because you’ve committed to begin working on altering your behavior, it does not mean that you’ll enjoy immediate pay offs—or even slow, steady, and consistent payoffs (see Figure 3.2). So let’s discuss three different theories of change: insight, linear, and actual.The insight theory of change refers to the belief that your behavior automatically changes once you commit to changing. As depicted in Figure 3.1 from left to right, the unwanted behavior drops from high incidence to nonexistent as soon as the person realizes he or she wants to change. Unfortunately, this doesn’t really work. For example, how many successful New Year’s resolutions have you had? As I’ve been discussing,

Frequency of Unwanted Behavior

HIGH

MEDIUM

LOW

Figure 3.1 Three theories of change: Insight theory

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Understanding Your Perfectionism

Frequency of Unwanted Behavior

HIGH

MEDIUM

LOW

Figure 3.2 Three theories of change: Linear model

the insight that you need to change is rarely sufficient to make the necessary shift. In the linear model of change (Figure 3.2), you recognize that change happens over time but believe that the process is smooth—one that “gets a little better” each day. Moving from left to right on Figure 3.2, you make a commitment to change. Then the unwanted behavior slowly moves from higher to lower incidence over time.You know that you are making progress because each day is better than the last. But what happens when you have a setback? Many people take this as a sign that the change process is hopeless and give up. Have you ever slipped up on a diet only to throw in the towel completely? As you can see in Figure 3.3, the actual change process is complicated; it consists of many starts and stops and has “two steps forward, one step back” pattern. Looking at Figure 3.3 from left to right, the incidence of the unwanted behavior does begin to improve after making a commitment to change. However, you will have good days and bad days. You can’t compare today with yesterday. It is much more accurate to compare this week with last week—or even better, this month with last month—when tracking your success. Real and enduring change in behavior is uneven and takes time and effort.You can see real trends only when you look over longer periods of time.

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Frequency of Unwanted Behavior

HIGH

MEDIUM

LOW

Figure 3.3 Three theories of change: Actual model of change

Allen kept thinking that his next career move had to be the job— the ideal position he’d been hoping to find. Because he couldn’t find the perfect position, he would periodically feel demoralized and stop looking. I asked him to think in terms of a more stepwise process; for example, perhaps his next job might be halfway to his ideal job and serve as more of a transition job. The second (or maybe even third) step might be the ideal job. Although this approach was hard for Allen to accept—after all, he wanted his perfect solution “right now!”—it was more approachable and made it possible to break the process down into manageable steps.

One More Thing to Consider: Think of Anxiety as Information One thing that always struck me when working with someone’s obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD) symptoms versus their perfectionism is that even when their perfectionism was costing them as much (or even more) than their OCD symptoms, they were much more reluctant to change. I have come to believe most perfectionists see their perfectionism

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as one of their best traits—a characteristic that has helped them achieve a lot of what they value in their life. In addition, however, I think that perfectionists have some misattributions about anxiety itself that repeatedly got in their way and inhibited their efforts to change. Let’s go back to Allen one last time. One of the challenges Allen kept facing was that he got anxious every time he considered a job change—and his instincts told him that his feelings of anxiety signaled that he might be making a mistake. Therefore, he assumed that if he was making a mistake, he shouldn’t do anything differently. But not doing anything differently left him in the same job he was trying to escape! It was a vicious cycle. However, your mind-set might change a bit if you can begin to think of anxiety as information. What does the experience of your anxiety truly tell you? It is a cue from our brain that we may be in some sort of danger. In a very basic way, healthy anxiety provides us with this information. For example, we feel anxious when we are crossing a street and see a car coming at us; this energizes and motivates us to move out of the way. We were in danger and, therefore, acted in a way that protected us. Keep in mind, though, that anxiety is a cue that we may be in danger—not that we are in danger. In the case of the car coming at us, our anxiety mechanism did its job. In the case of trying something new, unknown, or uncomfortable, our emotions are telling us that we might be doing something dangerous or making a mistake. Anxiety is typically triggered when the unknown is evoked. But if you always use anxiety as a cue to always avoid a possible threat, you miss out on valuable opportunities. One of my favorite psychological theorists, Steven Hayes, PhD, said something that I always need to remind myself about: “You can live a safe life or a vital life.” Sometimes it really is either/or. Allen was mixing up the cues his anxiety system was giving him. Since he was entering the unknown, he felt that he should be cautious. However, being anxious does not mean you are on the wrong track. Many people believe that any negative feelings they experience are an indication that they are making the wrong choice. This is not always the case. Sometimes it is; sometimes it isn’t. I kept reiterating to Allen how miserable he was in his current profession. I asked him whether he willing to take a risk and do something potentially dangerous—but

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something that could also possibly improve his situation. That decision was completely up to him. But, I didn’t want him falling into the trap of waiting to not feel anxious before taking the next step, waiting for the “perfect” solution. Otherwise, he would be in the contemplation stage for the rest of his career! Consider that anxiety might be one of the factors contributing to your “two steps forward and one step back” progress. Each time you make movement, even when it is in the right direction, it lands you in an unfamiliar place. Being in an unfamiliar situation can be anxiety provoking and lead some individuals to return to previous behaviors even when they aren’t useful. Here is a related example that illustrates my point: Everyone recognizes the manager who wants to be friends with his employees. He’s never willing to give them negative feedback for fear of hurting their feelings. If you are that manager, think about the last time one of your struggling employees did something you weren’t happy about or was just not producing quality work. It occurs to you to say something, but as soon as you begin to formulate a statement in your head, you start to feel guilty. You worry that this employee will feel terrible if you say something. In many ways, he or she might even be a hard worker and a valuable employee.You can’t bear to think about the person’s reaction if you call him or her on something—even if it is valid, and even if the person would benefit from the input. In this case, the feelings you are experiencing get in the way of effective action. Because you would feel guilty about your employee feeling badly, you choose to not address the issue. As a result, the employee’s behavior never changes. Contrast this with times when you have seen others get corrective feedback. Even if it was painful for these people in the short run, employees who receive feedback actually end up feeling more confident and working more competently in the long run if they listened to and incorporated the input.

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Summary What we want to be true, how we want things to work, and how things “should turn out” don’t always line up with how things in life actually seem to work. My awareness that I should stop engaging in a behavior seems like it should be enough to change. Even when I know the right action to choose, it shouldn’t feel so difficult to engage in that new behavior, but it is. If a particular course of action is the right direction, it shouldn’t feel hard, difficult, or anxiety provoking; it should feel good, right? The “right” choices should be accompanied by the “right” feelings. My intentions to do well and excel should result in positive outcomes. My perfectionism should pay off if I just work hard enough at it. So why would it backfire? The allure and counterintuitive nature of perfectionism is what has been so intriguing to me all of these years. In the next part of this book, I want to discuss the seduction of commonly used perfectionistic beliefs and strategies. How do they pull you in? When do they, in fact, pay off? And when and why don’t they work? There is a book whose title I think is very apt to this dilemma in which all find ourselves: Get Out of Your Mind and Into Your Life. In other words: Stop listening to what your mind is telling you about how the world is supposed to work and begin looking at the actual outcomes of your strategies and behaviors. As a starting place, however, let’s separate out your intentions and desired outcomes from your strategies. This is critical in providing you with a foundation for incorporating the ideas included in the remainder of this book.

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PART

II

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You’ve just picked up a new client and are excited about the project that awaits you. In addition to enjoying the topic, this initiative is likely to gain some much-needed recognition from your boss and from this client, who might also throw more work your way in the future. Let’s break this down in the following way: Your intention is to do a good job, satisfy yourself, and impress your boss and client. What do you need to bring to this project to ensure that your intention turns into your desired outcome—a job well done, compliments from your boss, and clients who are so impressed that they request to work with you on future projects? Your strategies could include devoting extra time and effort working long hours; experimenting with different and novel approaches; asking for others’ input; or being very detail-oriented and thorough in an attempt to ensure a flawless project. In other words, although your intention remains consistent, there are multiple and distinct strategies you might employ to try to reach the desired outcome. 57

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To illustrate this, in the following hypothetical scenarios let’s keep the intention and desired outcome the same but use different strategies: Intention: I want to impress my boss and my new client. Strategy: I work long hours on the project trying to cover all of my bases and producing very detailed work. Desired outcome: The client tells me I’ve done a great job, my boss is happy with me, and I am satisfied with the final project. Actual outcome: The client says that although the final product is good, he feels that I sometimes don’t see the big picture. As a result, I feel bad about myself. My wife is angry that I came home from the office at midnight every day for a week. Now we are fighting, and I feel unappreciated for having tried so hard and failing to receive glowing compliments.

Here’s an alternative scenario: Intention: I want to impress my boss and my new client. Strategy: I work long hours on the project but ask for help from a trusted colleague who I think is talented. We decide to use some tried-and-true solutions but also to throw in some novel but risky elements. Desired outcome: The client tells me I’ve done a great job, my boss is happy with me, and I am satisfied with the final project. Actual outcome: The client really likes the final outcome. He says that he feels it is innovative, but also tells me that he’d like some of the riskier aspects toned down a little. The boss is happy with me and tells me that the client would like to work with me in the future, and he asks me to pass along congratulations to my partner on the project as well. Although my wife is feeling a little ignored over the past week, I’m in such a good mood that I take her out for a surprise dinner and we have a great evening together.

In other words, our intentions, desires, and ambitions aren’t the problem. Rather, what matters are the ways in which you go about achieving those desired outcomes—the strategies you choose to use. Different strategies lead to different outcomes. Given this, the question I ask perfectionists is: “Does your intention match your actual outcome?” That is, did you

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accomplish what you set out to accomplish? “I wanted to impress the client, get recognition from the boss, and feel good about myself.” Well, is that what happened? A “no” answer doesn’t necessarily mean that you have to lower the bar; it may just mean that you need to change your strategy. Research on perfectionism has found that striving to achieve personal standards (your intention) isn’t where the problem occurs. Instead, people run into trouble when they become preoccupied with making mistakes and doubting themselves excessively. These ineffective strategies are, in fact, what get in the way of reaching our desired outcomes. Think of a recent time in your own life when you failed to achieve the result you desired. Use the space below to write down your intention and the strategy you used, and then compare the desired and actual outcomes. Remember: the intention is what you want, and the strategy is what you do. Although the desired outcome will look a lot like your intention, the outcome is a description of what actually happened. ■ ■ ■ ■

My intention was to My strategy was to My desired outcome was The actual outcome was

. . . .

Here’s another example: Your office just got some new software, and you would like to become proficient at it. ■ ■

■

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Your intention is to learn how to use this tool. Your strategy is to carefully read through the manual, research online, and spend every spare minute trying out all of the software’s features in the software. The desired outcome is to be proficient, have others see you as competent, and to enhance your game by having a new tool at your disposal. However, the learning curve on this program is long and timeconsuming, and you are stressed about learning every single feature thoroughly. You begin spending so much time learning the new tool that you’re putting off other projects, missing deadlines, and irritating your colleagues. You had such good intentions; how could things go so wrong?

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Having a sense of healthy perfectionism requires balance. It means that although you want to excel and be ambitious, you know at the same time how to match your intention with a strategy that works and produces the result you want. So, am I suggesting that you stop being so detail-oriented, for example? Consider the following scenario.You are looking for a new job.You find a copy of your old résumé, hurriedly make the necessary updates, and begin sending out letters of interest to any job that appears to pique your interest in the slightest.Weeks later, you’ve sent out countless résumés but have not received a single call back. Eventually an old colleague of yours calls and lets you know that your résumé came across his desk. He tells you that because he knows you from a previous firm, he was interested in interviewing you. However, he points out that there are some spelling errors in your résumé and cover letter—small errors that are likely the reason why so many others tossed your résumé in the trash.You got lucky in this case; this could have been catastrophic if you were unemployed while looking for a new job.You clearly need to pay more attention to detail next time, since carefully reviewing and catching mistakes might make the difference between getting a new job and being passed over. I’m not saying you shouldn’t care about making mistakes. I’m simply making the argument that you must evaluate the gravity of these errors based on the task at hand as well as the outcome you’re seeking. A couple of spelling mistakes in a 100-page report are likely to be overlooked, whereas a single error in a one-page résumé will capture someone’s attention immediately. However, if you begin worrying about every imaginable mistake—for example, with the 100-page report—you might find yourself reviewing and re-editing to the point of missing important deadlines and stressing yourself out unnecessarily.

Healthy Perfectionism, Unhealthy Perfectionism, and Nonperfectionism When people express their frustration to me about how their perfectionism is backfiring (i.e., what I came to understand as their unhealthy perfectionism), I typically offer them solutions (i.e., how to be more of a

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healthy perfectionist). However, if I’ve skipped over the difference between healthy perfectionism, unhealthy perfectionism, and nonperfectionism, we always end up in a confusing discussion. In response to me offering an alternative strategy, I was typically met with the other person defending their original stance. The very same thing they were just complaining about! I came to realize that they were misinterpreting my attempts to challenge their strategies, thinking instead that I was challenging their intentions and desired outcomes. Sometimes the advice really is to lower the bar (honestly, how organized does your sock drawer really need to be?), but that doesn’t mean that all attempts to modify your perfectionism move in the direction of just “lowering the bar” (i.e., changing your desired outcomes). As a rule of thumb, you’re operating within the realm of healthy perfectionism when your payoffs are greater than your costs, you are striving for and meeting standards you set for yourself, and you value organization. However, your unhealthy perfectionism is in play when your behavior, choices, and strategies are driven by factors such as a fear of failure, chronic concerns about making mistakes, constant selfdoubting, attempts to live up to others’ expectations of you, anxiety about always falling short of self-made goals, and if your costs outweigh your payoffs. Nonperfectionists are the individuals who seem to care less about their outcomes. They don’t have particularly high standards, and in many cases, they are fine with being average and just putting their time in. Between these three groups there are differences in intention, strategy, desired outcomes, and actual outcomes. The following research study matches my own experience. Using responses on a self-report questionnaire, researchers categorized a group of college students as healthy perfectionists, unhealthy perfectionists, and nonperfectionists. Healthy perfectionists were those who described themselves as having “high and demanding standards,” which they worked hard to achieve. Unhealthy perfectionists reported being concerned with how others evaluated their performance, reported high levels of self-criticism, and chronically doubted themselves and their skills. Nonperfectionists stated that although they didn’t set particularly high expectations for themselves, they also weren’t that concerned with how others evaluated them. They didn’t worry about making mistakes or engage in much self-doubt.

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The study’s results found that healthy perfectionists had higher selfdetermination and more academic satisfaction and progress toward educational goals, and they reported experiencing more positive feelings than nonperfectionists. In addition, they found that the unhealthy perfectionists reported more negative feelings overall and lower academic satisfaction and determination compared with the healthy or nonperfectionists. A review of 20 years of perfectionism research compared healthy perfectionists with unhealthy perfectionists and nonperfectionists. This review found that healthy perfectionism was associated with: ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■

higher achievement more self-esteem more positive feelings more satisfaction with life an active coping style (versus avoidant) more social support more academic success (e.g., higher grade point averages) ease in interpersonal relationships higher levels of conscientiousness higher levels of extraversion less depression less anxiety less procrastination less self-blame

In many cases, “healthy perfectionism” is the goal. That is precisely why the alternatives laid out in this book are an attempt to translate your perfectionism into a set of strategies that pay off better for you (i.e., maximize your healthy perfectionism). The aim is not to convince you to be unconcerned with outcomes (i.e., a nonperfectionist), unless this really is the better overall strategy (see Chapter 7 for more about this).

Perfectionistic Strategies That Typically Do Not Work Let’s review some perfectionistic strategies that typically don’t work well. Of course, “evaluate strategies based on their effectiveness” is a process that sounds easier than it is. Old habits and biases can certainly inhibit

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your efforts to assess your strategies’ effectiveness. To that end, here are some common pitfalls to keep an eye out for.

Hard Work and Long Hours Mean You Are Dedicated and Persistent Dedication and persistence are effective ways to help get what you want. However, it’s important to distinguish between persistence and perseveration. Persistence involves utilizing problem solving and creativity. You persist in meeting a goal; if you hit an impenetrable roadblock, you figure out a way around it or try another strategy. So persistence is essentially the ability to continue engaging in a behavior or activity to reach a goal, even when the task is difficult or takes a long time. Persistence involves sustained attention, a history of having your efforts pay off , and a sense of adaptability and flexibility. When you’re persistent, you proceed step by step and remain focused on the big-picture goal. Contrast this with perseveration, which is defined as “the tendency to continue a particular learned response or behavior, even when it ceases to be rewarding.” With perseveration you can get bogged down in the first few steps of a task. People who perseverate insist on completing each step perfectly before moving on to the next one; even if something isn’t working, they continue to try to make it work. You tend to lose sight of your ultimate goal, get tunnel vision, and are able to see only what is right in front of you. Perseveration compels you to maintain the behavior whether or not it moves you toward your main goal. You’ve likely heard the saying that “the definition of insanity is trying the same behavior over and over again and expecting different results.” That, in a nutshell, is perseveration. Remember my example of rearranging my drinking glasses from the book’s Introduction? That’s perseveration. When I discussed the difference between these two states with patients, many admitted experiencing a desperate, anxious, exhausting emotional and physical state that accompanied their perseveration. In fact, those who score high on measures of perseverance also report higher levels of depression and anxiety compared with those scoring high on measures of persistence.

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A writer friend of mine named Florence immediately understood this distinction as we were talking about these concepts. She told me that she always felt overwhelmed whenever starting a book project. She would stare at a blank page, racking her brain as she tried to come up with a way to start the first paragraph. She would spend hours and hours in front of her computer, feeling that if she couldn’t find the “right way” to start the book, she couldn’t move forward at all. She thought of herself as a hardworking, dedicated, persistent, and talented writer, but she was constantly frustrated at how painful she found it to start a new project. Her solution? Instead of perseverating on the need to start writing the book from the beginning, now she purposely starts with chapter two or three, and then writes until she gets stuck. She then leaves that section of the book, moves on to the next chapter, and repeats the process. This system gives her a sense of progress, which calms her anxiety and motivates her. She also gains new insights as she proceeds. All of a sudden, she has a great idea about how to start the first chapter. At that point, the writing comes easily. The result is a rough first draft of the entire manuscript, but she developed a clearer understanding of the book’s overall message through the process. At this point, she starts the process all over again, revisiting each chapter armed with new knowledge and perspective. This ability to adapt and be flexible was the shift in strategy Florence needed. Her intention is to write a good book. The strategy she thought she was supposed to use was to start at the beginning and perfect every line or paragraph before proceeding to the next one. The desired outcome is to publish a book. But the actual outcome was writer’s block. Florence found that her old style of writing wasn’t working for her. It was slow going to refine every single sentence from the start, and she would walk away from each effort feeling as though she hadn’t accomplished much. When she changed her strategy, she altered the actual outcome, even though her intention and desired outcome stayed the same. She moved from perseverance to persistence when she realized that hard work and long hours do not always translate into desired results. This is why it’s essential to examine how you are spending your time. For example, ask yourself: “Am I regularly attaining my desired outcomes? Or, am I just putting in long hours and a lot of effort without

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seeing results?” Are you getting bogged down in the details like Florence was? Do you become so concerned with “getting it right” the first time around that you become paralyzed? Try the following exercise: pick a topic—any subject of your choice—and write on it for 20 minutes from start to finish. Don’t make any edits or changes; just write straight through, and get as many ideas and concepts in as possible. Try to give the piece a beginning, middle, and end. After the 20 minutes, go back and read what you’ve written. Most people who have utilized this suggestion have reported back to me that they were a better writer than they thought. What’s the lesson here, then? Write first, and edit later. As an aside, I borrowed this strategy from Florence when writing this book!

“The Strategies I Use Today Are the Same Ones That Always Used to Work for Me” Spending long hours at the library researching everything you could find on a subject may have paid off in college, but you’re not in college anymore. Your current job likely requires you to be diligent and thorough, while also demanding high levels of output. For example, a journalist doesn’t always have the luxury of extensive fact checking until he or she is 100 percent confident and comfortable with the accuracy of every sentence of every article. Sometimes reporting on a breaking story is urgent, and being effective in these instances means getting the article to the printer on time rather than following up on every angle of the story first. Or maybe you’re working as a sales rep or in another occupation where you need to move and act quickly. Although tackling one project at a time before moving on to the next might have been a good strategy before, your new job’s context is quite different.You have to learn to multitask now, with many sales prospects, all of whom are incredibly busy. In this career, your position’s needs and pressures are unlike what you’ve experienced before. Or perhaps the context of your personal life has changed. You might be married now and have responsibilities to your family. You can’t spend hours long hours at work week after week without there being some backlash from your personal life. It might have been different when you were

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young and single and had more time, energy, and stamina.You keep trying to accomplish your goals with a road map and set of strategies that applied to your previous stage of life; however, the landscape has changed.You need to reassess where being detail-oriented works for you versus where it bogs you down and contributes to missing deadlines. What other strategies are you using that might have worked before but don’t seem to anymore?

Because You Don’t See an Alternative,You Are Going to Stick to What You Know People often stick with strategies that have poor outcomes solely because they don’t see an alternative. Their thought process goes something like this: “I know I’m in trouble if I keep up this attitude/habit/activity. But if I stop, I won’t produce good results—and that has its own consequences.” To many, it seems to be a no-win situation. Trying something new feels too risky, and even evokes a sense of vulnerability. The unknown is anxiety provoking. Who likes to try learning a new skill in front of others? After all, it’s no fun to not look your best. As a result of this apprehension, many people continue to use strategies they know have poor payoffs—in large part because they don’t know what to do instead. Experimenting with different approaches seems unpalatable, so they stick with what they know and continue to hope that “maybe, this time it will pay off.” Those of you who recognize this dilemma will find the alternative strategies presented in rest of this book helpful.

Ignoring or Downplaying the Costs of Your Strategies Steven works for a very successful architecture firm. No one questions his talent and competence; however, he repeatedly has cost overruns on all of his projects because he always prefers high-end materials and wants everything to be “just right.” He acknowledges that his clients complain to his boss, threaten to not pay their bills, and even say they won’t give his firm any future projects.Yet he continues to insist that everyone will be happy when the project is finished. Although Steven’s clients are always impressed with

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the final building—and he has even won some awards—no one wants to work with him anymore. His response to their protests and general motto is, “Do something right, or don’t do it at all.” Given his past successes, Steven was shocked when he was laid off from the firm. Steven failed to recognize the increasingly not so subtle signs that his clients and colleagues could no longer work with someone so rigid and unyielding, especially when these habits began to generate such unfavorable consequences. Ask yourself if you are someone who is “set in your ways” at work. Over the years, you will get new colleagues, clients, projects—even jobs. You are going to have to learn to adapt and “go with the flow” in some instances. Unless you are the boss (or are independently wealthy), remain aware of—and be responsive to—the feedback you receive from others. Remember that sometimes being right and being effective are mutually exclusive. Although your strategy might pay off some of the time—and even pay off big—be careful of those strategies that seem to backfire more often than not. In your mind, each big win at the slot machine erases the hundreds of times—and thousands of dollars—you’ve lost before. Why are those casinos in Vegas so successful? It’s not because people receive a $1,000 payout playing blackjack; it’s because they lost $10,000 before it and another $10,000 after. The gambling analogy works here because it emphasizes how careful you must be when weighing your strategies actual pros and cons. Consider Sandy, a computer analyst, who has a section of her closet full of her best clothes. These are the clothes she wears only once a year because she wants to save them for very special occasions. Her intention is to look good and feel good, and her strategy for doing so is to keep her favorite clothes looking fresh and new by significantly limiting their use. However, the outcome is that she rarely wears these “best items,” and sometimes the color or style becomes so outdated that she no longer wants the clothes. Similarly, Scott, a data analyst, buys a new laptop computer that he rarely uses because he doesn’t like getting fingerprints on it. He also doesn’t want it getting filled up with hidden files from the Internet that would slow down its processing. It seems to be more important to keep the laptop in “out of the box” condition than to actually use it! In both of these situations, the costs clearly outweigh the benefits in the end.

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Believing That Your Strategy Is Supposed to Work—It Desperately Needs to Work! Russ is a branch manager who wanted to do something for his fiancée on Valentine’s Day. His strategy: “All women like getting flowers.” Unfortunately, his fiancée was allergic to flowers, and although she appreciated his intention, she tried to politely explain to him that flowers made her allergies worse. When he got her flowers again for her birthday, she understandably became angry. But because Russ had decided “All women like getting flowers,” her anger didn’t make sense to him. He asked me, “How can she get mad? She should like flowers.” Sarah, a program coordinator at a nonprofit, is in charge of creating and distributing her organization’s bimonthly newsletter. Her boss asks her to run rough drafts by him so that he can review the newsletter’s content as it is being compiled. However, Sarah doesn’t like to show people her rough drafts; she worries that people will think that this is the best she can do and that her boss will think she’s careless if he sees mistakes. As a result, she tells herself that her boss really doesn’t want to be bogged down with each iteration of the newsletter and consequently continues to bring him into the process at the last minute right before it goes to final print. Sarah is shocked when her boss begins to criticize her, especially since she’s received excellent reviews on the newsletter’s previous issues. From her perspective, the task got done, it was done well, and her boss should not be angry because she saved him a lot of time and energy by keeping him from reviewing drafts. Her boss continues to give her feedback and acknowledges that the publications have been turning out well. He also points that he would have to take the fall for any mistakes that end up in the newsletter that shouldn’t be there or if something important is omitted. However, because she really didn’t want anyone to see rough drafts (and actually didn’t like her boss’s input anyway), Sarah has convinced herself that it was okay for her to continue doing what she was doing. Besides, she was saving him time, wasn’t she? How could he not be grateful? Needless to say, she was surprised when she was removed from her involvement with the newsletter.

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Summary Getting Yourself out of These Traps Ask yourself before beginning a task: “What are the most important outcomes I would like as a result of completing this project?” If you want your coworkers and boss to respect you but keep getting into arguments with them about the “right” way to do something (leaving them not only not respecting you, but probably not liking you much either), then consider what to do differently. Ask yourself how you can alter the tactics you use to accomplish this task that will get you what you want the most.The following chapters will provide information on additional strategies for figuring out how to shift when you need to.

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The Seduction: “More Is Better” Consider the following scenario: Bob goes to his doctor for his physical shortly after his 40th birthday. The doctor tells Bob that although he’s generally healthy, they should discuss Bob’s family history of cardiovascular disease. “What is an easy, preventive step I can take to minimize the chances of heart problems?” Bob asks. His doctor points out that there is some accumulating evidence that having a glass of red wine with dinner each night has been shown to help reduce the likelihood of developing cardiovascular disease. Bob really likes this idea and decides to follow up on his doctor’s suggestion that very evening. He returns a year later for his annual physical and tells the doctor, “I liked the glass of wine with dinner so much that I am up to a couple of bottles of wine each day now.” The doctor then decides to send Bob to rehab. Although this example is clearly exaggerated, it does speak to a core principle that many individuals with perfectionism share: If a little of something is good, then more of it must be better. Think of the cases in 73

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which your belief in “more is better” has held true: The more time you spent on a document or presentation, the better it was; the more time you spent learning that new software program, the more efficient you were in the long run; the more time you spent with a client, the better the relationship was and the happier the client was with your work. In addition, consider the degree to which you agree with the following statements: ■ ■ ■

“It is always important to do your best at everything.” “There is no excuse for not putting in 100 percent on a task.” “Other people can lower the bar, but then they seem lazy and careless. I don’t want people to think of me that way.”

When “more is better” pays off , it typically does so in a big way and has a lot to do with hard work and persistence. It is also one of the reasons that you excel—and your desire to excel does not have to change. However, this “more is better” strategy doesn’t always work. Remember the earlier distinction we made between persistence and perseveration? Persistence involves sustained attention, a history of your efforts paying off, and adaptability and flexibility. When you’re persistent, you proceed step by step and stay focused on the big-picture goal.With perseveration, you get bogged down in the first few steps of a task.You continue trying to make something work even if it isn’t working and insist upon completing each step perfectly before moving on to the next one. In contrast to persistence, perseveration causes you to lose sight of your ultimate goal. You start getting tunnel vision and are able to see only what is right in front of you. You continue the behavior regardless of whether it moves you toward your main goal. It’s usually a sign that we are stuck in perseveration when the “more is better” approach starts to backfire. Here is a more subtle example. I typically worked through most of my weekends when I was in graduate school, particularly during my first year. I had been working on a paper in the computer lab for several hours one Saturday afternoon and wanted to take a break. My wearylooking colleague seemed to be in the same state of affairs, so we struck up a conversation, which quickly turned into a discussion about how exhausted we were from all of the hours we were putting in. Then we

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started talking about professors who we thought were unfair or were giving us too much work to do. Then we began talking about other students in the program who got on our nerves. I remember the beginning of this conversation as something enormously helpful. I hadn’t realized how much I needed to vent, and especially to someone who understood what I was going through. It was incredibly cathartic and validating. And so we continued to commiserate—and then something strange happened.That sense of catharsis and support began to shift into something negative, heavy, and depressing. We began to wonder, “If this is really so bad, then what are we doing here?” Something useful and effective had somehow transformed into something that got increasingly negative when it went on too long. Think about the last time you and a coworker went out for lunch or drinks only to find yourselves talking about the office, the boss, and the work.You both have the same complaints, the same gripes, and the same solutions that will fix everything—but that no one will listen to. Initially, the camaraderie feels powerful and fills you with a sense of hope and support. Maybe you’ll even both go back to work the next day, determined to make some big changes (think Jerry McGuire). However, as the night wears on, that sense of feeling understood and empowered turns into feeling resentful and stuck. It’s hard to pinpoint exactly when it happens, but what initially made you feel relieved is now weighing you down with negativity. So, how do we get seduced into always believing that “more is better”—even when we know it doesn’t work some of the time? First, the shift that occurs between effective and healthy persistence and unhealthy perseveration can be subtle, as you saw in the previous example. Second, we believe it because more is better some of the time. Participants in one study were asked to complete reasoning and work sample tests commonly used in personnel selection. Those who described themselves as setting high standards for themselves (the “more is better” approach) performed better on both the reasoning and work sample tests. Further research has shown that university students who set high standards for themselves earned better grades on mid-term exams and had higher grade point averages overall. In addition, musicians who report having high standards for themselves also receive higher grades and win more prizes in competition than counterparts who report low motivation.

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Another question to consider is: How does it benefit you to set high standards for yourself? Participants in another study were asked to complete a task “as quickly and accurately as possible.” Results showed that individuals who reported setting high standards for themselves spent more time on the task and were more accurate than those who do not set high standards. In other words, those with lower personal standards tend to value speed over accuracy (“just get it done” mentality) versus those with high standards who might take more time, but get the job done well. Being detail-oriented, careful, and persistent pays off by resulting in more favorable outcomes and shows that having high standards and striving can indeed be a good thing. There is a third reason that many of us tend to believe that “more is always better.” In circumstances when an outcome is very important to us—or we are under a lot of stress—the thoughts and feelings of which we are most acutely aware tend to be on the extreme end. We therefore tend to respond immediately to these intense thoughts and feelings almost as soon as we notice them. For example, believing in and obsessing over the thought, “It is crucial that I excel at this task, or the results will be catastrophic,” will likely push you down an unhealthy road. Stopping to recognize this thought, getting some psychological distance from it, and pulling out some of the extreme language can help keep you on a more productive track: “The outcome of this task is important, and my job is to create the best product I can.” Sometimes these extreme thoughts and beliefs don’t show up this clearly or obviously in our heads. Sometimes they show up as intense feelings of anxiety, desperation, or guilt and disappointment in oneself for not giving 100 percent all of the time.When these thoughts and feelings are present, they are likely to push you into “more is better”—even when it has started to backfire.

When and Why the “More Is Better” Approach Doesn’t Always Work Consider the findings in the following study that investigated the strategy of goal setting in perfectionists. Participants in this study were asked to complete a task and were told ahead of time that the goal was

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to answer 85 percent or more of the questions correctly. Once they completed the task, all participants were told they had exceeded the goal (whether they had or hadn’t)—in other words, that they had been successful. They were then asked to do another task but were told this time that they could pick between a task where 85 percent was considered successful or one where 90 percent was considered successful. They were offered money in exchange for their participation in the study, but they were told that the money they would receive would be cut in half if they failed to achieve the goal they picked for themselves in this second task. The study found that participants who scored high on a measure of perfectionism actually picked the task with the higher criterion for success following feedback that they had been successful on the first task. So what does all this mean? When you are feeling good and confident in yourself, perfectionism might lead you to set the bar increasingly higher. Is this a good strategy? Ask yourself the following questions: ■

■

■

Do your goal-setting strategies encourage you to push yourself harder and achieve more? Do you feel accomplished and satisfied when you achieve those goals? Or, do you get bogged down in the belief that “nothing is ever good enough”—and continue to raise the stakes even higher until you inevitably fail? What did you set out to do, and what did you actually accomplish? Are you attempting to do something well and achieve a personally set standard to feel good, accomplished, or satisfied? To impress someone? To get a promotion at work? If so, do you realize those outcomes?

As discussed previously, although striving to reach your standards can pay off for you, it can also begin to backfire if you are unable to attain these ever-increasing expectations. Other research shows that the amount of time you put into doing something isn’t as important as how you spend that time.When we investigate how people become expert at a skill, we find that the time they spend learning the skill has to be paired with actively focusing on one’s weaknesses in order to improve overall performance.This process is called

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“deliberate practice.” Most people who practice something typically focus on what they already know how to do and repeat it. But research shows that this kind of pure repetition—even done for 20 years—won’t help you become more skillful. More isn’t better; approaching a skill strategically is better. The following example illustrates this point. You are working on a final report for a project that both your boss and his boss are going to review. In other words, it is important that you do this task well. After completing an initial draft, you spend an hour editing it. During that hour, you make about 20 changes. To see how the report reads through with the new changes, you spend another hour editing and make only eight changes this time. Since you missed some of these changes during the first round of editing, you can’t help but wonder if you missed any more. So you spend another hour editing and make three changes this time. Phone calls, e-mails, and other project deadlines are looming as the day is getting late. But you decide that you need to devote another hour to the report, because it’s essential that this turn out well and that be completely free of mistakes. In your fourth hour of editing, you find a spelling error! This potentially would have made you look pretty bad. If you keep catching errors and making changes on each round of editing, how do you know when it is mistake-free? And how did you not catch that spelling slipup on the first three passes? At the same time, you are finding fewer errors and making fewer changes each time you go through the report. So at what point can you trust that you have put in ample time and decide that the report is good enough? How many more hours do you need to spend? And what happens to your other job responsibilities and deadlines in the meantime? You want to be careful that your perfectionism does not reduce your overall efficiency and effectiveness. In economics, this is called a point of “diminishing returns”; that is, the more time you spend on a task, the less it pays off moving forward. You caught 80 percent of the errors during the first hour, yet you spent four hours editing. Unhealthy perfectionism convinces you that you can spend four hours editing—thereby guaranteeing that your report will be error free—and still get everything else done. In other words, this way of thinking seduces you into believing that perfect outcomes are

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possible. However, when you step away from this process, you recognize that you do have limited time, energy, and resources. The majority of your efforts’ benefits are realized early in the process. Pay attention to the point at which your outcomes’ improvements no longer correspond to your level of effort. Remember to ask: Does your intention match your actual outcome? How, then, do you maximize good outcomes while simultaneously remaining efficient?

Alternatives to “More Is Better” Pareto’s Principle An Italian economist named Vilfredo Pareto noticed during the early twentieth century that 80 percent of the land in Italy was owned by 20 percent of the population, and he found that 20 percent of the pea pods in his garden contained 80 percent of the peas. In the world of business, Microsoft found that the 20 percent most commonly reported bugs were causing 80 percent of the errors and crashes that computer users were experiencing. In health care, 20 percent of patients use 80 percent of health care resources. In other words, there are many instances in which 80 percent of an outcome is generated by 20 percent of the input. One way to use this principle is to think more about where you expend 80 percent of your energy, based on where others are focusing 80 percent of their attention. Or, as the saying goes—where do you get your “biggest bang for your buck”? You want to put the bulk of your time and energy into the areas to which people pay the most attention. For example, my organization tracks our website based on which pages visitors access most often. Those are the pages that I want to have the best graphics, the most appealing layout, the easiest functionality (not to mention links to our donations page)—and of course, no errors! It is also likely that these pages make up only 20 percent of the total content on the website. It doesn’t make sense for us to agonize over every single comma and graphic on every single page of the site.When someone first visits the website, they are typically looking for just a few things. If I can maximize the likelihood of their getting a good impression on those first

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few pages, they may be interested in the rest of the website. Then I have a loyal follower who may turn into a member or donor. Let’s go back to our earlier example. How much time do you spend editing an important report? The critical question that follows from this is: What do you know about the nature of your supervisors? Are they sticklers for grammar and spelling (80 percent of their attention)? If so, devote your time there (80 percent of your effort). Are they more caught up in the ideas? Or are they big on presentation—graphics, images, and so forth? What is the first thing they note about your (and others’) work, based on the feedback you’ve received in the past? Put the lion’s share of your effort into those aspects of the report (80 percent of your effort into the 20 percent they are paying the most attention to). Maybe they are perfectionists as well and care about all of it. If so, then your four hours of editing are worth it. Or they might be the kind of people who like to see rough drafts, incorporate their ideas, and engage in a lot of back-andforth collaboration. If so, then the extra hours you spent editing were wasted time. The effectiveness of a strategy is context dependent. So where do you put 80 percent of your attention? Is it on impressing your bosses? Or perhaps on achieving a feeling of satisfaction at having done something well? If the latter is the case, then 80 percent of your time and energy should be spent on this task versus others. Remember: It all depends on what you want your outcomes to be. Just don’t fall into the trap of wanting something to work when it clearly won’t. For example, it is very important that this report be error free, that you be satisfied with the outcome, that it be done quickly and efficiently, and that you complete everything else in your to-do pile. Your healthy perfectionism motivates you to put out good products; your unhealthy perfectionism wastes your time and demoralizes you.

Different Is More:The Importance of Psychological Flexibility As we discussed earlier, perseveration prompts you to keep repeating the same strategy over and over again, thinking that it will pay off “this time.” When this occurs, you’ve lost sight of the big picture. Remember the writer’s block example? My friend believed that she had to begin

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writing the book at the beginning. The problem was that this left her stuck. It wasn’t until she decided to just write something—anything— that her writer’s block became less of an obstacle. If what you are trying isn’t working, try doing something else. In other words, it is time to develop more psychological flexibility, the core of which refers to the ability to recognize and adapt to different situational demands and shift between strategies when you recognize that the current strategy you are using just isn’t paying off. In fact, psychological flexibility is also strongly related to job performance and satisfaction. For example, I did a lot of group therapy early in my career. In the groups that I ran, I made a concerted effort to impart new skills to the participants: anxiety management skills, coping skills, interpersonal skills, and so on. Since I was running a skills group, it seemed clear to me that I should be spending all of the time teaching the skills—right? Then I attended training myself to learn a new therapy strategy technique. The trainer’s job was very similar to my own, in that she was trying to impart a set of skills. However, she did two very important things differently from how I was teaching. She began the training with a story—a pretty engaging one. She was fun to listen to and had the entire room’s attention. She artfully moved from the story into telling us what she was going to teach us, but she began by telling us why it would benefit us to learn it. First, she got our attention; then she got us motivated. She essentially said, “Now that I have you listening, let me tell you how this is going to make you more effective.” Then she taught us the skill. When “more is better” is working, we keep thinking that even more will be even better. Then we get stuck in perseveration. This is precisely what happened when I thought that being effective at teaching a skill meant spending all of the time in the group instructing my participants in what the skill was and how to do it. It seemed clear to me why they should be interested and motivated. However, I became much more effective when I adopted this trainer’s strategy. In fact, you might have noticed that this book started with a story. I then moved into explaining why reading more might pay off for you. Now that you’ve come to Part II of the book, I am explaining what the actual skills are. How much different do you think this book would be if I started with this chapter?

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The following is another example of how a shift in strategies, even in a counterintuitive direction, can pay off. Research published in the Harvard Business Review found that consultants who were required to take predictable time off performed more effectively and felt more satisfied at work. Consultants who were required to take time off found that their breaks actually improved and expanded communication with colleagues. They were able to head off problems through advance planning and provide better service to clients. In this circumstance, working less resulted in people working smarter. Most of us fear that we will never get caught up if we get too far behind. But, never getting away from work can actually bog us down and make us less efficient. This is why it is crucial to recognize when a strategy is no longer working and accept the need to begin using a different one. Sometimes clients would engage me in a discussion of “Well then, what strategy should I use?” My response was often: “Anything except what you have been doing. You already know what that buys you.”

Deliberate Practice Now let’s return to the idea of deliberate practice introduced earlier. Researchers began to consider this concept as they watched the process of individuals developing a high level of expertise at a skill. Deliberate practice means that you are practicing what you do well, challenging yourself with what you don’t do well, getting immediate feedback on your performance, spending the time to think about how you might do the task differently next time, and considering opportunities to practice the new strategy to refine your behavior. This is very different from simply putting in a lot of time on a project or arbitrarily raising the bar to challenge yourself. Think about your golf game, tennis game, or some other skillful endeavor you undertake. You might have achieved a certain level of playing, but your skill level gets stuck if you don’t work directly and purposefully on your weaknesses. Consider the next presentation you have to give. You are pretty good at putting ideas down concisely in

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PowerPoint slides; you have some good images, and you have some good examples ready to use for giving the talk. You consider yourself to be a good speaker. Now, go listen to a great speaker. What is that person doing similarly to and differently from you? If you were to compare your talk with that person’s talk, what similarities and discrepancies would you see? Use the expert’s talk to identify and work on your own areas of weakness. Merely giving 100 talks won’t make you a better speaker, any more than continuously reviewing your talk and ruminating over the size of the font will make you a better speaker. Challenging yourself to “give a better talk”—that is, raising the bar—won’t result in one, either. You have to think about how to practice a skill that focuses on something that you feel is beyond your current level of competence and comfort. That is when hard work pays off. I find myself regularly saying the following to my patients: “Take some risks. Act outside of yourself, and do things you wouldn’t consider yourself able to do.” After all, how else can you expect things change? Remember the definition of insanity? If you keep repeating the same thing over and over again, you should—and will—get the same outcomes.

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Summary “More Is Better” versus Diminishing Returns How We Get Seduced into Believing That More Is Always Better ■

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In some cases, more is better. Setting high standards for yourself can result in better outcomes. The line between persistence and perseveration is blurry. Persistence is “stick-to-it-ness,” but doing so while remembering the main goal: to be effective. Perseveration is getting lost in the details and doing it right for the sake of doing it right, even when this doesn’t pay off. If we want to excel, do we want to risk showing someone less than our absolute best?

Why “More Is Better” Sometimes Backfires ■

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We tend to run out of time, energy, and resources if we throw everything we have at every task. As important as some outcomes are, it is critical to recognize that you do have limited time, energy, and resources. Arbitrarily raising the bar every time will by definition result in failing at some point. Pure repetition of a task does not improve your performance over time. Task input and task outcomes appear to have a curvilinear relationship where the principle of “more is better” is replaced by diminishing returns.

Instead, Learn to Work Smarter, Not Harder ■

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Begin to track the arc of your payoffs versus efforts, and notice when one starts to outweigh the other. Consider Pareto’s principle, or the 80/20 rule: Devote 80 percent of your energy to where 80 percent of someone else’s attention is

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drawn. Remember, their attention is usually going to focus on only 20 percent of the overall outcome. Remember the value of psychological flexibility: when different is more. Remember to recognize and adapt to different situational demands and shift between strategies when you notice that the current strategy you’re using isn’t benefitting you any longer. Use the principles of deliberate practice. Focus on aspects of a task that you feel are beyond your current level of competence and comfort. Take risks and practice acting outside of yourself.

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The Seduction: Mistakes Are Avoidable Bethany wakes up on Monday morning ready to start her new diet. She thinks to herself, “Breakfast is the most important meal of the day.” Bran cereal with skim milk, half a grapefruit, and a slice of plain wheat toast—a good start. At lunch, it’s half a chicken sandwich, a small salad with lemon juice instead of dressing, and some carrot sticks. Around four o’clock one of Bethany’s coworkers offers her a cookie. She figures that she’s been good all day—so why not? However, after she eats the cookie, Bethany feels that this one slip has completely wrecked her diet. So she decides to give up. She orders a pizza for dinner and eats a quart of ice cream after. Before going to bed she has an entire bag of chips.Why not? The diet is already ruined. If she had just forgone that one cookie . . . Do the mistakes you make feel equally catastrophic? Many perfectionists feel that no matter how much time they put in on a project, if they (or worse, someone else) see one mistake, the entire thing is useless. The rational part of most individuals recognizes that this kind of 89

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perfection is unachievable; after all, everybody makes mistakes. But you feel terrible when you make a mistake—filled with shame, humiliation, and anxiety. You believe that if someone else recognized the mistake, you should have too. In your opinion, mistakes are avoidable. In addition, don’t you often criticize others and think less of them for making a mistake? Let’s think through this seduction of wanting something to be mistake free or flawless. First of all, this feels good if we manage to accomplish it! It allows us to stand out and excel. You can get addicted to the feeling that results when a teacher, professor, boss, or supervisor expresses how impressed he or she was with something that you did. That sense of satisfaction, of being appreciated and getting something “just right,” is wonderful; it feels great to be recognized and set apart as special. Our intention in avoiding making mistakes is to feel good (e.g., satisfied). But we also want to avoid feeling bad (e.g., guilt or shame). After all, who likes to hear from someone else that they messed up? It can feel like they have one up on you and that a shift in power has occurred. And if the mistake happened in a professional environment, it can mean something more, as too many mistakes can cost you your job. It also means that you didn’t get to show your best.You know what it feels like to work to your full potential and put forth your best.When this doesn’t happen, it feels like you’ve missed an important opportunity. One interesting study tried to tease apart the relationships between perfectionism, pride, shame, and guilt. Based on responses on a selfreport questionnaire, participants were categorized as healthy perfectionists, unhealthy perfectionists, and nonperfectionists. All participants were then given a test of emotional and social intelligence and were told that their performance on this test was a good predictor of success in both their job and life in general. When they completed the test, they gave it to the experimenter, who scored it and told them that they had either done really well on the test (i.e., the success condition) or done poorly (i.e., the failure condition). The participants were then asked to indicate whether they felt feelings of pride, shame, and guilt. Pride indicates feelings of satisfaction and accomplishment, shame includes pervasive feelings of worthlessness and incompetence, and guilt signals a negative evaluation of a particular behavior or outcome. Results showed

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that healthy perfectionists experienced less shame than unhealthy perfectionists and nonperfectionists. However, healthy and unhealthy perfectionists were prone to feelings of both pride and guilt (both groups more so than nonperfectionists). What does this all mean? Success followed by feelings of pride, satisfaction, and accomplishment work in your favor. You feel more motivated, want to continue working hard, and enjoy enhanced selfconfidence. As noted in the study, this is what the group of healthy perfectionists experienced: positive outcomes that resulted in positive feelings. Mistake making followed by guilt (“I didn’t do as well on that task as I would have liked; what can I do differently next time?”) is more complicated. It doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t feel guilty at all when you make a mistake. In fact, guilt can also be motivating and even prosocial. Despite the fact that guilt doesn’t feel very good, it can result in you attempting to be more careful next time or recognizing that you need to try a different strategy. Remember the lessons of deliberate practice: focus on your weaknesses and practice alternatives. The trick is to not allow guilt to be translated into a global sense of shame—a feeling that the mistake made is “who I am.” Getting caught up in shame can be very detrimental and turn mistake making into catastrophe. Consider the following study investigating goal setting and concerns over mistakes made by athletes. Two groups were compared: athletes who reported that they held high personal standards but who didn’t get overly concerned about making mistakes (this group was referred to as “positive perfectionists”) and athletes who claimed that they did not hold particularly high standards for themselves but who did report a lot of worry and rumination over making mistakes (this group was referred to as “negative perfectionists”). Results showed that positive perfectionists experienced less anxiety during competitions and higher levels of self-confidence. Negative perfectionists showed the opposite: high levels of performance anxiety and low levels of self-confidence. In other words, striving to attain high standards pays off as long as you don’t become overwhelmed by your concern about making mistakes. In a business environment, this translates into focusing on giving an excellent presentation without worrying about what might get left out—and if you do give the presentation and make mistakes, not dwelling on them

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afterward. You simply note what went wrong, make decisions about what to do differently next time, and refocus your time and attention on excelling at the next project.

When and Why Trying to Avoid Mistakes Doesn’t Work The Pratfall Effect A researcher named Elliot Aronson conducted a study in the 1960s wherein he took four groups of college students (subjects) and asked them to listen to four different audio recordings. On all of the recordings, the subjects heard someone competing for a spot on a quiz show. The conversation involved an interview and the candidate having to answer difficult questions.The first group listened to a participant who answered 9 out of 10 questions correctly. He talked during the interview about his high school years and discussed how he was an honor student, the editor of the yearbook, and a member of the track team. In other words, he was just about perfect.The second group heard the same audiotape, with one difference: when the tape was left on, they heard this nearly perfect participant accidently spill his coffee at the end of the interview. The third group listened to an audiotape in which a participant (in reality, the same person who made the recording for the first two groups) answered only 3 out of 10 questions correctly. This person went on to say that he had received only average grades in high school, was a proofreader for the yearbook, and tried out but failed to make the track team. In other words, he was mediocre. The last group listened to Mr. Mediocre spilling the coffee at the end of the interview. The researchers wanted to compare impressions made by Mr. Perfect, Mr. Perfect making a mistake, Mr. Mediocre, and Mr. Mediocre making a mistake and then compare how the four groups of college students listening to the audiotapes rated each one. Mr. Perfect who made a mistake got the best ratings, and Mr. Mediocre who made a mistake got the worst. Mr. Perfect didn’t score the highest in esteem by subjects! It was the successful but flawed candidate.What does this mean for a perfectionist? As the pratfall effect (pratfall being the old-fashioned word for mistake) suggests,

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making some mistakes some of the time can improve the impression you make on others. Check this against your own experience. Which of the people at the office do you like more? Bryan, who is always doing everything perfectly, never seems to get bothered by anything, and is the boss’s pet? Or Jack, who is competent, hardworking, puts out great projects but is relatable, laid back, and—even though he makes some mistakes here and there—is open to feedback and doesn’t get too worked up about it?

Excessive Concerns Over Making Mistakes Undermines Outcomes It’s hard upon examining your own experience of mistake making to just convince yourself to “let it roll off your back.” Many perfectionists are flooded with thoughts like the following when they make mistakes: ■ ■ ■

“Mistakes are catastrophic.” “A mistake implies that I am lazy, incompetent, and reckless.” “I thought less of that person for making a mistake; others must think the same of me when I make mistakes.”

In addition, people tend to experience intense feelings of guilt and disappointment. An implicit but powerful belief most of us share is that when we experience a feeling—especially when intense—it must be accurate. We assume that if we feel really guilty, we must have done something wrong. If we feel anxious, we must be in some kind of danger. Why else would the feeling be there if not to give us information about what is going on and what we should do about it? However, excessive concern over making mistakes appears to be one of the most defining features of unhealthy perfectionism, and it can have other implications—even some as extreme as job burnout. For example, teachers who reported strong negative reactions to imperfections also reported increased levels of avoidance and burnout. This study defined “burnout” as emotional exhaustion, disconnection, and lack of personal accomplishment. For example, consider the case of Jenny, the chief executive officer (CEO) of a small business start-up. She is chronically worried that she or someone on her staff will make a mistake that will cost the

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company money or potentially put them at risk for a lawsuit. As a result, she makes very conservative decisions. She tends to play it safe and agonizes over all of the choices she has to make. She holds long staff meetings to review the same issues in minute detail and inadvertently demoralizes her staff.They no longer want to bring innovation or ideas into the office for fear of having to go through the gauntlet of Jenny’s ruminations.They also resent that she constantly worries about money but spends excessive amounts on legal counsel, always trying to reassure herself that the next decision she makes won’t result in a business-ending lawsuit. Another robust finding from research is that setting and striving for high standards (i.e., healthy perfectionism) and excessive concerns over making mistakes (i.e., unhealthy perfectionism) go hand in hand for many people. The danger of this is that one actually undoes the other. You maximize the payoffs of your healthy perfectionism only when you minimize the influence of your unhealthy perfectionism. Take Francis, for instance, the new associate director at a medium-sized consulting firm. He has high standards for himself and always strives for excellence. He rose to the top quickly due to working hard, being persistent, and taking pride in his outcomes in every job he’s had. In an attempt to impress those above him and help those below him work more efficiently, Francis spends all of his time developing ideas, implementing new initiatives, and making changes in how the office runs on a day-today basis. Unfortunately, although he is quite productive, he also wants everything to be flawless all the time. He believes that everything in the office needs to be improved upon 100 percent. He is unrelenting in his attention to detail and exacting in how he implements new policies. Unfortunately, he is also stressed all of the time, works through his vacations, is in conflict with many of the staff regularly, and threatens to quit every few months. He is a prime example of how doing something well and doing something flawlessly should not always be linked together.

Rigid Rule Following Kills Creativity Another strategy that perfectionists employ to manage the anxiety and stress of potentially making a mistake is trying to create certainty.

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Sometimes we do this by following a rule or attempting to match a standard in some way. For example, Louise believes that a good presentation includes a lot of slides filled with detailed information, including careful and documented research. She has made it a rule to get through one slide per minute and cover all of the topics concisely but clearly. She believes that her audience should be attentive, interested, and ask good follow-up questions. After the presentation, she should receive praise from a handful of people and no one should have any critiques. Sometimes when an example like this is written out, it starts to sound a little ridiculous. However, think about the times you felt that there was a very specific script that needed—or rather, had—to be followed. Even if didn’t articulate it clearly in your head, there is a rigidity and feeling of, “It has to go this way.” What are the implications of this rigid rule following in an attempt to avoid mistakes? Repetition, interpersonally controlling behavior, stress, and no creativity. Creativity doesn’t involve rules, and it isn’t clear-cut; it’s messy. It introduces a sense of flexibility and ease and also allows for a lot of mistakes. Creativity leads to innovation and rule breaking, not rule following. However, creativity and innovation also bring risks, uncertainty, and some anxiety.What do you want to choose in those moments when you notice yourself beginning to experience that rigid, inflexible, “I don’t want to make a mistake” feeling? The anxiety-managing, rule-following, stress-inducing, mistake-avoiding path—or the flexible, open, messy, uncertain, risky path? It’s akin to what happens when I get my tennis racket restrung and am asked about the level of “tension” I want. More tension equals more control when you hit the ball, whereas less tension means more power. I want both! However, maximizing control and maximizing power don’t go hand in hand. In fact, it appears that in this case they work against each other. In much the same way, being creative invites risk and some anxiety. Avoiding mistakes means blindly following rules, always playing it safe, and constantly worrying about being criticized. Most of the time, we’re forced to choose one or the other. A lot of the procrastination I see in myself and others is an unspoken wish that I could find that “perfect” solution that allows for both—a scenario that typically doesn’t happen.

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Harsh Self-Criticism Makes It Worse Worrying about making mistakes isn’t the only challenge perfectionists face. The way in which we respond to making mistakes is important as well. There is a difference between feeling disappointed in yourself or your performance and hating or disliking yourself because of it. Remember: Although guilt can be motivating, shame is just demoralizing. Do you get angry with yourself and engage in blame and selfpersecution, or do you try to cultivate a self-correcting, problem-solving attitude when you experience a setback? Do you remember to keep the big picture in mind and remind yourself of all of your experiences with this type of project? Or do you somehow forget those positive points and focus all of your attention exclusively on this one bad experience? It appears from the research on perfectionism, self-criticism, and depression that healthy perfectionism is related to the self-correcting component of self-criticism (“I didn’t like how that turned out, so what can I do differently next time?”). Unhealthy perfectionism was related to chronic feelings of disappointment, inadequacy, dislike of oneself, and depression. And, blaming oneself for being criticized by others and selfpersecution were related to unhealthy perfectionism and depression. Harsh self-criticism is also a predictor of daily stress, low social support, a high incidence of negative feelings, and a low incidence of positive feelings. Also, those who reported engaging in harsher self-criticism also reported higher levels of avoidance and procrastination when it came to getting things done. Finally, low self-confidence has also been shown to go hand in hand with excessive self-criticism. Do I think you need to completely ignore your mistakes, not bother to improve, or put a positive spin on everything? Of course not. I am merely suggesting that if something doesn’t turn out the way you’d like, it’s reasonable to respond with disappointment and even guilt. However, while feeling disappointed and guilty, it is more effective to also take a problem-solving approach. Look at the various parts of the task or project that worked well, find a way to repeat them, then brainstorm alternatives to fix the pieces that failed. Although you might eventually get to this place, you are actually allowed to skip the step of name-calling. Trust me—it doesn’t do you any good.

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Sometimes Flaws Are Actually Valued Here is another vantage point by which to evaluate mistake making and the value of something being flawless. You buy a pair of shoes that look great and feel comfortable. In fact, the more you wear them, the more they fit the curve of your feet and the more comfortable they become. You like them more two years later than the day you bought them, even though they look worn from all the use. Clothing manufacturers have taken a similar approach by capitalizing on the fact that your favorite pairs of jeans are the ones that show some wear. These days it’s hard to find a nonworn version of blue jeans in clothing stores. The Japanese call this wabi-sabi—the idea that sometimes there is beauty in unique, worn, used, or slightly messy things. A piece of pottery may be more (not less) beautiful because of a crack. By definition, antiques are valued because they look old, not new. How does this relate to perfectionism and business? Be careful of something looking too slick, polished, or effortless. Sometimes it can come across as superficial, common, or uncreative. Consider that some mess and a few rough edges can actually improve your outcomes.

Alternatives to Preoccupation with Mistake Making Strategic Experimentation Effective behavior involves understanding the context. Many other books about perfectionism talk about fear of making mistakes. As previously mentioned, this is a core feature in unhealthy perfectionism. These books also underscore that we all make mistakes and that we should just get over it. In fact, some recommend purposely making mistakes. I would hope that my neurosurgeon hasn’t read any of those books before my surgery (not that I need neurosurgery at the moment, but just in case)! This is definitely one situation in which I’m not sure that purposeful mistake making helps. However, the intention of this strategy is to get you to experiment. Let’s think for a moment about what is called the scientific method, a strategy designed to test various options to see which has the best outcome. Scientists start with the premise that they don’t know what

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the outcome of something will be; instead, they come up with hypotheses (a fancy term for best guesses). They then set up an experiment to test these various theories to see which one is “true.” The outcome of scientific experimentation is typically something like: “We tested three hypotheses, and hypothesis x seems to be the best explanation.” At this point, you might wonder why I’m boring you with this explanation of the scientific method. Frankly, it’s because scientists have a great attitude about mistake making. They aren’t, in fact, making mistakes; they are trying to determine what the best strategy is in a particular situation by actually trying them all out.This allows them to find that the best strategy is the one that works the best when compared with other options.When we worry about making mistakes, we often forget that just repeating the same strategy over and over again might cause us to miss out on better options. Another way to view the scientific method or strategic experimentation is to think of it as a problem-solving strategy. That is, when you face a situation that is not ideal (i.e., a problem), how do you go about changing the situation to match your goal (i.e., your problem-solving strategy)? Stop for a moment to think about the strategies you use to solve problems. It’s something that you might not clearly articulate— even to yourself—so it is a useful exercise to consider. Do any of the following characterize your problem-solving attempts? ■

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You are very systematic and do a lot of research before even trying anything. You focus primarily on pleasing others and avoiding mistakes. You typically focus on how you have solved a similar problem before and how you can borrow that solution to fit this situation. You tend to get overwhelmed even thinking about how to approach the problem and just try to fix things at the last minute. You are impulsive and rely on intuition and “in the moment” inspiration. You find that you are always searching for the “perfect” solution but end up procrastinating and avoiding instead. Once you start working on a problem, you have to continue until it is completely finished; you don’t like to multitask or be interrupted.

Now, compare your model of problem solving (helpful and unhelpful) to what psychological researchers describe as an effective problem-solving

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strategy. See Table 6.1 for a summary of this model. Step one begins with a clear description of the problem. Although this might sound overly obvious, I see others trying to tackle their issues without sitting down and thinking them through.You need to take a few moments to ask yourself: “What is the current state of affairs, and what would my ideal outcome look like?” Instead, many people simply act based on a general, vague sense that something isn’t right and needs to be fixed.They say to themselves, “I will work on this report until it seems like it’s done.”There is a lot of value in trying to articulate a description of the problem (what is wrong with the current situation) clearly (in one sentence). It’s also helpful to create a clear, concise goal (see worksheets and examples on the following pages). Step two in problem-solving is to generate as many potential solutions (hypotheses and theories) as possible about how you might fix the problem. When I try teaching people this model, they almost inevitably begin evaluating and throwing away options right after coming up with them.You want to inhibit this tendency. Brainstorming is a very effective process in which you are trying to be as creative as possible. It allows you to generate new strategies, come up with variations on old strategies, mix and match various approaches, and allow yourself to think as big and “out of the box” as possible. This style of thinking enhances creativity. Think about jazz musicians; they take known and familiar tunes and improvise them by shifting around familiar pieces in unfamiliar ways. Have you ever taken a wrong turn while driving somewhere familiar—only to find a more efficient route? The third step in effective problem solving is to begin weighing each of your possible strategies’ pros and cons, which is very much like the pro-con analysis I discussed in earlier chapters. Issues to consider here include time, effort, emotional cost or gain, effects on people around you, short-term consequences (“How will this decision affect me now?”), and long-term consequences (“How will this decision affect me in the future?”). The result of this process should narrow down your choices to options that have more positive and fewer negative consequences. Don’t wait around for a solution that has only positive and no negative outcomes. Consider for a minute the word homicide, which means “to kill a person.” If we break this word down, the first part of the word, homi-, refers to Homo sapiens, or a person. The second part of the word, -cide, means to cut down or kill.When we look at the word decide,

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Maximizing Healthy Perfectionism Steps in Effective Problem Solving

Step 1: “What is the problem?” What do you know about this problem? Can you break it down into smaller subproblems? In one to two sentences, identify a realistic goal by describing the situation as it is versus what you would like it to be. Step 2: “What are the different ways this problem can be solved?” Identify as many options as possible. Combine previously generated options. Think of ways to improve on ideas you already have. Brainstorm, be creative, and inhibit the tendency to evaluate and discard options at this point. Step 3: “Which of these options is the best one?” List the positive and negative consequences associated with each option you’ve generated. Consider consequences, including time, effort, emotional cost or gain, effects on people around you, short-term effects (“How will this decision affect me now?”), and long-term effects (“How will this decision affect me in the future?”). Have you tried this solution in the past? Good options have more positive consequences and less negative consequences. Step 4: How Did the Solution Work? What were the actual consequences once you tried the solution? Has the problem been solved? Did the actual consequences compare with anticipated consequences? Was the solution implemented correctly? Use feedback to revise or replace strategy as needed.

it has a whole new meaning—to “kill” an option. To choose one path, you kill off the other. Decisions feel weighty for a reason! Don’t allow yourself to get bogged down. Choose your best option and move to the fourth step—implementation. Once you’ve implemented your solution and reviewed your outcomes, ask yourself the following questions about the solution you chose:

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“Did it solve the problem?” “Did it achieve the goal I set out to accomplish?” “How did the actual consequences compare with the anticipated consequences?” “Did I implement this solution correctly?”

On the following pages are worksheets that will take you through this problem-solving strategy. Think of a problem you are currently trying to solve, and use these worksheets to practice this new strategy. Once you finish, compare this experience to your typical problem-solving approach. What did you notice was different?

Worksheet 6.1

Problem-Solving Skills

Problem Definition Describe the facts you have about the situation in concrete, observable ways: _____________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________ Identify factors or obstacles that make the situation problematic: _____________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________ Can the problem be broken down into different pieces? If so, what are they? _____________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________ Decide which piece of the main problem to focus on, and identify a realistic goal in one to two sentences (how the situation is versus how you would like it to be): _____________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________

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Generating Alternatives and Decision Making Option 1: Pros: Cons: Option 2: Pros:

Cons:

Option 3: Pros:

Cons:

Option 4: Pros:

Cons:

Option 5: Pros:

Cons:

Pay Attention to Context Finding the best solution or strategy always depends on context. For example, one factor to consider is who the audience is. Is your work for a client, a supervisor, or another employee, or is it just something for yourself? If the product is for someone else, you want to look through their experience, not your own. For example, a good friend of mine is an architect and loves 1950s modern architecture. The more glass, concrete, and open space he can get into a design, the happier he is. However, if a very conservative client who likes only red brick and wants to mimic “boring” architecture hires him, then he has to take this into consideration. This may not be the ideal client with whom to take risks and experiment! Another factor to consider is whether you have “credits” to cash in. This simply means that we are all willing to give another person some extra room if that person has recently been dependable, reliable, and competent. Even if your performance isn’t up to par, prior “good behavior” will be on your side. “John always puts out great work.This is just average, but everyone has an off day.”When you have built up a good track record, you can afford to “cash in some credits” and take some risks.

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Focusing on Mistakes Can Improve Your Performance Mistakes are inevitable, so you might as well cultivate a different relationship with them. I’m not saying you have to be happy about them; I’m saying learn to be strategic about them. One strategy is the one I just presented: accepting the fact that mistakes are part of strategic experimentation. Another way to think about mistakes goes back to the research on how people become experts at a skill. As mentioned in the last chapter, this research shows that the only way to improve your skill level at something is to focus on what you don’t do well. In fact, even when expert performers stopped looking at mistakes and just went on automatic pilot, their performance ceased to improve. Only by going back and looking at what wasn’t working—and deliberately and purposefully working on those errors—does a person’s skill level progress. Consider the case of Phillip, a fledging website designer. Although his initial skill set is quite good, he continually compares his websites with other sites. He asks others to show him sites that they like, finds out why, and then tries to incorporate those elements into his websites. As a result, his websites get better and better. This is what many companies do when they beta test their websites: They have a number of people use the website and see where they get lost or confused. Where do they focus their attention and efforts, and what do they skip over? By actively looking for weaknesses in the functionality and design, these companies are able to improve their website’s usability—and therefore increase the likelihood that web users will stay on their site and access their information and products. At the outset of this chapter, I talked about the seduction of believing that mistakes are avoidable. Although this belief is connected to the desire to create superior products, a preoccupation with mistake-making has a paradoxical effect in some circumstances and may, in fact, result in a poorer performance overall. Remember to keep in mind that excellent outcomes have to do with a variety of factors, not just cleaning up mistakes. No one likes to make errors, but if mined effectively, mistakes have the potential to open doors to improved performance in the short and long runs.

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Summary Avoiding Mistake Making versus Strategic Experimentation How We Get Seduced into Believing That We Need to Avoid Making Mistakes At All Costs ■

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Mistakes can seem catastrophic and trigger feelings of intense guilt and anxiety. Completing a project “error free” leads to a strong sense of satisfaction. You sometimes think less of others when they make mistakes; won’t others evaluate you similarly?

Why Avoiding Mistake Making At All Costs Sometimes Backfires ■

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Remember the pratfall effect. Always trying to be perfect can be off-putting to others. Occasional mistakes—when otherwise competent—can actually improve others’ attitudes toward you. Excessive concerns about making mistakes can undermine performance and lead to playing it safe, rigid rule following, and decreased creativity. Harsh self-criticism in response to mistakes doesn’t fix the problem; instead, it can lead to burnout, procrastination, and lowered self-esteem. Sometimes the worn, messy, rough edges are more appealing (the wabi-sabi sentiment).

Instead, Practice Strategic Experimentation ■

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Develop a “scientific attitude” by strategically testing your hypotheses and strategies to see which actually have the best payoffs and outcomes. Keep the steps of effective problem solving in mind. Pay attention to context and when it makes sense to experiment. Remember that mistakes and weaknesses actually hold the key to potential improvements.

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The Seduction: Everything Is Equally Important I wake up Saturday morning to a beautiful summer day in Boston. The weather is perfect for tennis: the sun is out, there’s a light breeze, and it’s about 75 degrees. I got a full night’s rest and have a light breakfast. I grab two bottles of water and meet up with my friend Mark to play tennis. It’s not as if either of us play all that well; neither one of us has ever had a lesson. We stopped playing sets years ago. The point of the outing is to hit some tennis balls, get some exercise, and enjoy the sun. Or so I thought. As Mark hits yet another ball into the net, he is growing increasingly frustrated. I’m not sure why, since we aren’t even keeping score. In an attempt to lighten the mood, I point out to Mark that neither of our world rankings is at stake. He laughs (kind of). Two teenage kids take the court next to us. As they begin to warm up, both of us notice out of the corner of our eyes that they seem to be hitting the ball effortlessly. And hard. And in the court, almost 107

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every time. Watching them, it reminds me of some of the things I’m doing while playing today, like forgetting to use my legs when I swing and not moving my feet around enough. I shift my attention back to trying to improve my game. In contrast, Mark’s irritation has increased. After missing the next shot, he yells an obscenity and throws his racket on the ground. I ask to take a break. Maybe he’s just tired. So I ask him what’s up, and he replies: “I should be able to play better than these kids. Why can’t I do that? I was watching Federer at the U.S. Open this morning, and he has an amazing backhand; why can’t I hit the ball like that?” My answer: “Because we play tennis once a week for three months out of the year rather than 40 hours a week year-round. Oh, and because you’re an architect, not a professional tennis player.” Although this explanation seemed completely rational to me, it did not seem to console him in the slightest. Mark wants to excel at everything he attempts. He believes that if he tries hard enough and wants it badly enough, then he should be able to perfect it. Do I agree with him? Absolutely. Think about any skilled activity in which you take part. There is that sweet spot of experience that feels incredibly satisfying. You can feel it in tennis when you hit the ball just right, with just enough spin and a lot of pace, making it virtually unreachable by your opponent. In business, it happens when you pitch the perfect idea to a client, give a presentation that gets everyone asking the right questions, or pull off an event that elicits nothing but positive feedback. Because it is such a good feeling, we want that experience even in areas that don’t even matter that much to us. Whenever I enter a new situation in my professional life, I tend to hang back and get a lay of the land. I want to find out what’s going on, who’s doing what, and what my best strategy and input are. I do not like to look foolish. Again, however, this is not just limited to my professional life. I really don’t like to look foolish at anything. I hate appearing as though I’m unsure, unskilled, or worse—awkward. I always like to put my best foot forward and show my potential to others. I sometimes even devalue the activity if I’m not good at something. My philosophy is—if I’m not good at it, then it must not be worthwhile.

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Does any of this sound familiar? The desire to feel good, appear skilled, and be competent is not the problem—and it’s completely understandable to want to avoid feeling embarrassed, clumsy, or out of your depth. Besides, who doesn’t want others to see them as intelligent, athletic, musically talented, and so on? But how do we go about achieving this? We insist that we have to excel at everything we try. After all, if we aren’t trying our best, aren’t we just agreeing to lower the bar? Isn’t that lazy? Are we willing to be average?

When and Why “Everything Has to Be Equal” Doesn’t Work The Reality of Limited Time and Resources When you take a step back (for example, by reading this book), you quickly recognize that trying to do everything well—and exert the same level of detail, effort, and energy to all your endeavors—leaves you feeling stressed and exhausted all of the time and as though you never get to work on what is most meaningful to you.You do, in fact, remember that there are time and resource constraints. However, we tend to forget these constraints and forge ahead when we’re operating on automatic pilot— only to run out of time at the end of the day with a still-long to-do list while wondering what just happened. In other words, you have to actively and regularly remind yourself that you have both limited time and resources. Here is another way to think about limited time and resources. Consider the following idea of “courage.” Write out the top 10 things you would like to accomplish in your life, and rank them in order of importance. Now, cross off items 4 through 10. In other words, you make a choice to not follow up or spend time on them. You will forfeit the opportunity to feel accomplished in these different arenas of your life by expending your focus and energy on what is most important. By eliminating these actions or dreams and making a conscious decision to turn away from them, all of the time and energy you were going to devote to those 10 accomplishments gets redistributed to the top—and therefore

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most important—three goals. However, deciding to let go of these possibilities in your life doesn’t mean that you have to try to convince yourself that you never cared about them.You don’t have to devalue or diminish them. Following this course of action implies that courage involves sacrifice. Courageous and effective choices almost always involve sacrifice of important goals and possible accomplishments. Remember when we broke down the word decide into its components: “to kill a choice or option”? It requires that we recognize the limits of time and resources and make a deliberate decision to redirect these limited resources to those things that are the most important—and forgo other, less important possibilities. This is not a veiled “lower the bar” strategy; it is a paradoxical message about how to excel. Essentially, you have to be willing to be average in one area of your life because it allows you to excel in a more important domain. Let’s continue to build on this idea of limited resources. Research shows that it takes 10,000 hours to become expert at a skill or task—so let’s consider the math from this perspective. If we make a goal, interest, or skill our full-time job—meaning that we spend approximately 40 hours a week for 50 weeks on it—we would need to almost completely devote our attention to this area of our lives for 5 years in order to become expert at it (40 hours × 50 weeks = 2,000 hours × 5 years = 10,000 hours). Think about areas of your life to which you are willing to commit full-time. Maybe you don’t have to excel in five years. Let’s consider, then, the time commitment if we spent less than 40 hours a week on it, say 10 hours per week. This adds up to 500 hours per year (10 hours per week × 50 weeks = 500 hours). Now it takes us 20 years to become expert! Again, I’m not trying to convince you to give up on trying to excel at a given task or undertaking. I’m just emphasizing the fact that it’s necessary to remind yourself that doing something well it takes time. We don’t do anything well when we spread ourselves too thinly across too many tasks. Or, we find that the things we do well— and to which we give the lion’s share of our time—aren’t the most important activities; they just happened to be at the top of our to-do lists. When we become lost in our desire to do well, feel satisfied, and

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avoid the uncomfortable feelings that accompany looking awkward, we underestimate how much time and energy it takes to become skilled at something. To that end, the following section provides an alternative strategy for how to cope with the reality of limited time and resources.

The Alternative to “Everything Is Equal” Focus on Your Top 10 List As already discussed, our limited time and resources make it all the more important to be strategic about when to give 100 percent, rather than wasting effort on less important activities. Being an involved, loving parent is more important than maintaining a perfectly organized sock drawer. Developing a creative idea or providing a perceptive analysis is more valuable than producing a typo-free presentation. Complete the following exercise to help you identify and prioritize what is most important to you. Think about any roles (e.g., friend, spouse) or accomplishments (e.g., career, hobbies, personal qualities) in your life that you hold to be essential. For which of these roles, achievements, and qualities do you most want to be remembered?

What Do You Want Your Life to Stand For? Imagine yourself many years from now toward the end of your life. If someone were to make a toast to you about what your life has stood for, what would he or she say? Alternatively, what might someone say in the distant future—when you have in fact died—in your eulogy? If you could project yourself into the future many years from now, how would you want to be able to describe the way in which you’ve spent your time on this earth? What would you say if you had to write your own toast or eulogy? Use the space below to write such

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a tribute, and include all of the things that you would want someone to say about you: ________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________ Merely considering doing this exercise can be overwhelming. How are you supposed to know what you want? You might still be trying to sort out a career path, or maybe you’re stuck in a dead-end relationship and can’t figure your way out. You might fantasize about how your family could be more supportive but are fairly sure that they never will be. Writing a eulogy requires that you come to terms with missed opportunities, true potential, and your most basic wishes. The point of this exercise is to evoke strong feelings and desires that act as powerful motivators.When we feel demoralized or adrift in some fashion, it is our

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hopes and dreams for ourselves on which we most need to rely.Without these guideposts as a foundation, you are subject to acting upon every feeling and impulse—or conversely, staying on autopilot, unable to move forward. Sometimes it’s something like a milestone birthday that evokes a sense that we need to analyze our lives. Or perhaps it’s getting laid off from your job, the death of a parent, or the end of a romantic relationship. Every so often, we face an event that prompts us to question our direction and ask, Are we on the path we want to be on? Although scary, this is a good—and even necessary—question to pose from time to time. For example, I turned 40 last year, and something occurred to me on this birthday that hadn’t been as clear to me before.What had worked in my 30s wasn’t going to sustain me in my 40s, just as what worked in my 20s didn’t work in my 30s. My goals and values continued to evolve and change. Direction doesn’t just happen for us; it is something with which we must consciously provide ourselves.

Using a Values Assessment When I worked at the OCD Institute, we used a treatment strategy called exposure and response prevention, or ERP. Since obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD) is an anxiety disorder, the most effective treatment we have for it is essentially to get patients to “face their fears.” In other words, individuals with OCD have irrational fears about terrible dangers that might befall them or their loved ones. When they are asked to confront those perceived dangers and not run away—either through avoidance or compulsive behavior—they frequently discover that the danger they were convinced would happen, doesn’t actually happen. As a result, their anxiety naturally starts to reduce. However, as straightforward as this sounds, it is a difficult treatment to undertake; the dropout and treatment refusal rates for this therapy are very high. After all, imagine choosing to put yourself in situations where you experienced extremely high levels of anxiety over and over again. It sounds torturous! Yet this is considered the place to start when treating OCD. In fact, I saw many of the patients who stayed in treatment get a

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lot better, which is part of what convinced me to keep doing this treatment. It is uncomfortable as a therapist to ask people to repeatedly feel things they don’t want to feel. However, if I kept it clearly in mind that it would benefit them, I could continue to encourage them, help them come out the other end, and eventually get their lives back. In fact, I began to realize that those who stuck with the difficult treatment were actively reminding themselves what they were doing and why. Even if they didn’t completely believe the therapy would work, they took a leap of faith and kept their focus on how the hard work would pay off for them—how it would improve their relationship with their family, their ability to parent, or their performance at work. I came to think of these individuals as value-driven.They had a clear understanding of what they valued in life, and they made choices that were in line with achieving those goals. However, another group of individuals that I worked with was more emotionally driven; in other words, the decisions they made depended on their mood or the feelings they had in that moment. If they couldn’t bear feeling anxiety, they would do everything they could to avoid feeling anxious. As already described, this is the exact opposite of what the treatment asked of them; as such, they typically dropped out of the treatment without getting better. Influenced by principles articulated in Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, I began to work with this second group by helping them identify what was most important to them, what they were willing to keep working hard for, and what “big picture” they needed to keep in mind.What is interesting about the nature of anxiety is that it captures and redirects an anxious person’s attention. Remember, anxiety is information that you might be in danger. If you are feeling anxiety, then the focus of your attention zeroes in on that danger in a very narrowed and specific way, and the goal becomes how to protect yourself from that danger. However, when we are not truly in danger—and are just feeling anxious—we still adopt this narrow focus, a kind of tunnel vision.We then have to actively and deliberately expand our attention to remember what we are working on and why. This is when we ask ourselves: “How important is this task? Just because it came across my desk doesn’t mean I have to attend to it right away or give it my all.Where does this task fit in with the rest of what I am trying to accomplish in my job—or in my life in general?”

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What struck me when working with patients, particularly the emotionally driven group, was that many of them got stuck when I asked them to think about life goals (to write their eulogy, for example). Several of them had never thought about this before or constructed a plan for their life. They weren’t sure what was important to them, which left them without motivation to fight and persist.They didn’t have a foundation of values by which to help them prioritize their tasks in terms of time and resource constraints. Once I recognized this tendency in my patients at the OCD Institute, I was able to see the same in some of my outpatients. Most self-help books are full of good ideas and options, and the suggestion to prioritize tasks and recognize that we have limited time and resources isn’t a ground-breaking idea. However, being able to put your finger on why you might be having a hard time prioritizing might be new for you. That is, unless you’ve sat down with yourself and truly explored what is most important to you, you might be facing some obstacles to effective prioritizing. Think of it this way: When you get up each morning, it shouldn’t be the case that everything around you can capture your attention and time. So then, how do you decide where to put that time and energy? This might already seem implicit and intuitive for some people. However, being more explicit can help you more effectively redistribute resources, which might be a new idea to you. Using your values in a very deliberate way to help you wade through decisions and options can help you make choices that keep your focus on what matters most to you. Consider the exercise on pages 117–120. Use these broad categories— family relationships, intimate relationships, social relationships, physical health, school/education, career/job, leisure/hobbies, community service, and spirituality—to think about what is most important to you. Not what should be important to you, or what others tell you is important to you—but what it is in that writing-your-own-eulogy, what-do-I-want-my-life-tostand-for sense. Sometimes we get lost in what others—parents, significant others, society—tell us we should be doing. It therefore becomes necessary to refocus and assess for ourselves what is important. Having used this exercise a great deal in the past, I am anticipating that there might be a few points at which some of you might get stuck.

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You might be asking yourself, “Do I write out my ideal, or what is realistic?” For instance, I once worked with a patient who grew up in an abusive family—someone whose “ideal family” was never going to exist. Her parents continued to be horrible people into her adulthood, and the best she could hope for was to keep them out of her life. However, what this exercise helped help do was develop a clear understanding that this domain—family—was one on which she was not going to spend very much time. After all, what good would it do to spend inordinate amounts of her time and effort trying to get her parents to change? They were who they were, and completing this assessment helped her come to terms with that. Instead, she determined what she did want from parent-like figures in her life and set about trying to maximize this, by finding mentors and others who could be there for her in a way that she had wanted her parents to be. She redistributed her time away from her parents and toward other valued life directions that were more important to her. This was a difficult process for her; aren’t we all supposed to put a 10 next to the “family importance”? Yet once this patient was able to let go of what she was “supposed” to do, she was then able to focus on what was possible in her life given certain constraints. So what does this show us? On one hand, we should dream big for ourselves. But on the other, we need to make sure that we are dealing in realistic possibilities. You should also make sure when completing this values assessment that your answers are as detailed as possible. One patient with whom I worked got stuck on the career section, saying she didn’t know what career she wanted for herself. I asked her to start by thinking less about the actual career and more about the kind of professional environment in which she would like to work. She was able to express that she wanted to access her creativity and writing skills and have variety in her work; she wanted to work in an informal office setting with a lot of coworkers in a team format. By identifying these ideal characteristics, she was eventually able to narrow her search and happily found a job at a small company publishing children’s books. Another reason to be specific is that you are using this information to give direction and guidance to your day-to-day decisions. Having a clear picture of what is valuable to you keeps you connected to this path.

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I included a “How important is this?” along with “How satisfied are you?” in the following assessment for a number of reasons. First, chances are that some of these domains are important to you, and some are less so. This distinction will therefore help you prioritize and distribute your time. Second, if you notice large discrepancies between something that is important to you and your current level of satisfaction with this domain, it should serve as a signal to increase this area’s priority. For example, if you assign your career path a 9 in importance but have estimated your current satisfaction to be a 2, you know that you have to work on moving your career to the top of the list. Finally, comparing importance and satisfaction does one more very important thing: It helps you remember what to be grateful for in your life.There may be several areas in your life where your importance and satisfaction rating match—something which you should notice and let sink in. It is good to remember that although not every area of your life will be going well all of the time, you do have other areas in which you are reaching your goals and realizing your ideals.

Values Assessment 1. Family Relationships: How important is it to you that you (1 = low; have good relationships with family members? 10 = high) Describe the kind of relationships you would like to have with important family members (how you would want to spend time together, what your interactions would look like, etc.): _____________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________ How satisfied are you currently with your family relationships? (1 = low; 10 = high) 2. Intimate Relationships: How important is it to you that you have a good intimate relationship? (1 = low; 10 = high) (continued)

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Describe the kind of intimate relationship you would like to have (the kind of person you would like to be with, how you would spend time together, how this individual would fit into your life, etc.): _____________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________ How satisfied are you currently with your intimate relationship? (1 = low; 10 = high) 3. Social Relationships: How important is it to you that you have good social relationships? (1 = low; 10 = high) Describe the kind of social relationships you would like to have (friends you would like to have, the kind of friend you would like to be, how you would want to spend time together, etc.): _____________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________ How satisfied are you currently with your social relationships? (1 = low; 10 = high) 4. Physical Health: How important is it to you that you have good physical health? (1 = low; 10 = high) Describe the kind of physical condition you would like to be in: _____________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________ How satisfied are you currently with your physical health? (1 = low; 10 = high) 5. School/Education: How important is continuing schooling or education to you? (1 = low; 10 = high) Describe the level of schooling or education you would like to have: _____________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________

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How satisfied are you currently with the level of education you (1 = low; 10 = high) have? 6. Career/Job: How important is it to you that you have a career or job that you want? (1 = low; 10 = high) Describe the kind of career or job you want (the kind of position, type of coworkers, types of projects, flexibility, etc.): _____________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________ How satisfied are you currently with your career or job? (1 = low; 10 = high) 7. Leisure/Hobbies: How important is it to you that leisure activities and hobbies be a part of your life? (1 = low; 10 = high) Describe the kind of leisure activities and hobbies you would like to spend your time doing: _____________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________ How satisfied are you currently with the amount of time you spend doing leisure and hobbies and the types of activities in which you (1 = low; 10 = high) engage? 8. Community Service: How important is it to you to be involved in some type of community service activity? (1 = low; 10 = high) Describe the type of community service activities you would like to be involved in: _____________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________ How satisfied are you currently with the level of community (1 = low; service activities with which you are involved? 10 = high) (continued)

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9. Spirituality: How important is it to you to be involved in spir(1 = low; 10 = high) itual activities and practices? Describe the type of spiritual activities and practices you would like to have in your life: _____________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________ How satisfied are you currently with the commitment you’ve made to incorporating spiritual activities and practices into your (1 = low; 10 = high) life?

Using the ABCs Those who tend to spread themselves too thinly—and now recognize the need to change this—may want to complete the following additional exercise. Consider, for example, the various skills and tasks that you need to accomplish at work. If you had to pick three of them at which to excel—the ones that leave you feeling most satisfied, fit your values, get you the most needed attention, and for which you would like to get an A if you were still in school—what would these be? These are the activities at which you would throw 100 percent of your efforts. A Tasks—Where to give 100 percent: 1. ______________________________________________________ 2. ______________________________________________________ 3. ______________________________________________________ Now consider your B tasks. These are aspects of your job to which you could give 80 percent and still feel that they turned out well even if you didn’t do them “flawlessly.” Keep in mind that you can reallocate the additional time you might have spent perfecting these activities to other, more critical areas.

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B Tasks—Still above average, working at 80 percent: 1. ______________________________________________________ 2. ______________________________________________________ 3. ______________________________________________________ Now consider whether there are tasks that essentially no one, including you, sees or regards as significant. These are activities that truly require only minimal effort and time, for example, making sure that the e-mails you send to subordinates have no spelling errors and use proper capitalization. What are tasks that could receive a C—that is, just be average? In other words, when you really sit down and think about it, what aspects of your job do not need to stand out? These are tasks you can complete as efficiently as possible and then move on to more pressing issues. In these cases, your desired outcomes would match more closely with a nonperfectionist. In other words, sometimes it is more effective to “lower the bar.” C Tasks—Where you just get by and allow yourself to be average: 1. ______________________________________________________ 2. ______________________________________________________ 3. ______________________________________________________ Finally, are there any tasks that have become time-consuming but that, in reality, don’t matter? These are referred to as F tasks. These endeavors don’t give you any satisfaction once you complete them, nor do they garner you any recognition when finished. However, to this point, you’ve assumed that you still needed to work hard at them. F Tasks—What to let go: 1. ______________________________________________________ 2. ______________________________________________________ 3. ______________________________________________________

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Finally, you can use the strategies discussed in the previous chapter on strategic experimentation to determine whether any of the B, C, or F tasks are areas with which you can begin to experiment. Are any of these places where you can cut some corners or make some mistakes to maximize the outcomes on your A tasks?

Remember to Focus on Your Goals for Yourself One of the most robust findings in the research on perfectionism is the difference between self-oriented perfectionism and socially prescribed perfectionism. Self-oriented perfectionism means that an individual sets and holds himself or herself to personally imposed high standards. Socially prescribed perfectionism, on the other hand, occurs when someone holds the perception that others have high expectations for him or her—and therefore believes that he or she is evaluated based on whether those standards are achieved. One way to figure out which of these is at play in your own situation is simply to ask: Do you feel accountable to yourself, or to others? One study found that athletes who described themselves as being more preoccupied with how others evaluated them (i.e., socially prescribed perfectionists) had higher rates of avoidant coping strategies and reported higher levels of burnout. Those who felt more accountable to themselves took a more problem-solving– focused approach to their training (i.e., “What isn’t going right, and how can I fix it to attain this goal I set for myself?”); they also experienced less burnout.

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Summary Everything Is Equally Important versus Priorities Driven by Values How We Get Seduced into Believing Everything Is Equally Important ■

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Who doesn’t want to be thought of as intelligent, athletic, musically talented, and so forth? It’s appealing to imagine that others could see us as someone who is “good at everything.” Although it occurs to you to cut back and perhaps lower the bar on some of these areas, you then wonder—who wants to be a slacker? Appear awkward? Or even worse, be average?

Why Treating Everything as Equally Important Sometimes Backfires ■

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Attempting to do everything well—and apply the same level of detail, effort, and energy to absolutely every task—causes you to become exhausted all of the time. It also makes you feel like you never get to what is most meaningful to you. Remember, it takes about 10,000 hours to become expert at something. That would require 40 hours × 50 weeks = 2,000 hours × 5 years = 10,000 hours.You don’t have 10,000 hours to devote to everything you want to excel at!

Instead, Practice Focusing on Your Top 10 List ■

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Use your personal values to determine your priorities: – Ask yourself, “What do I want my life to stand for?” – Don’t mix up what you want for yourself with what you think others expect of you. Learn to be strategic about when to give 100 percent, rather than wasting effort on less important tasks; use the ABCF task-ranking strategy described in this chapter to do so. Realize that no matter what, leading a courageous, effective, vital life always involves some level of sacrifice.

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The Seduction: Always be Seen Achieving Your Potential How do you want others to see you? How do you try to present yourself to them? When I ask perfectionists this question, I get common responses that cite the desire to be known as someone who is competent, intelligent, independent, and autonomous. In addition, perfectionists always want people to see their potential and recognize what they are capable of doing. It is very frustrating for a perfectionist to receive an “unfair” evaluation of their skills and talents because they had an off day or didn’t spend enough time on a given project.They want others to “see (and evaluate) me only when I’m at my best.” However, part of this desire to be seen only at one’s best means that no one else can witness rough drafts or any part of your process of getting to the final outcome. In addition, you have to make everything you do appear effortless, right? You want to be “Martha Stewart” calm as you complete a task; it is supposed to look like nothing to put together a dinner party for 18 coworkers. 127

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Then there are those tasks on which you have to work collaboratively with others, relying on them to do part of the work with their own set of skills, talents, and effort. Do you ever hear yourself saying in situations like these: “If you want something done right, you have to do it yourself ”? You likely feel that others don’t share your standards. Sometimes it’s because you actually are too demanding, and sometimes it’s because they are just lazy and don’t care. I personally find it frustrating that when I want something done a particular way, people immediately judge me as being too perfectionistic—when that is not always the case. I am successful due principally to the fact that I am detail-oriented and care about how the products of my time and energy reflect upon me. Perhaps others have different values (see the previous chapter) or a different set of talents and skills. In either case, it is difficult to essentially be required to rely on others.

When and Why “Going It Alone” and “Never Let Them See You Sweat” Doesn’t Work Increased Procrastination I was in session one day with a patient of mine named Max, who was getting into more and more trouble at work by turning his reports in late week after week. When I asked what the primary obstacle was in getting them completed, Max confessed that was worried about how others would evaluate his writing if he turned in a poorly composed product. Because he felt that it had to be done perfectly, he was avoiding the process of starting on it. I asked Max how long he had been working at his current company. His response: “Ten years.” When I asked, “And how does your supervisor currently judge your writing skills?” he replied: “He says I’m the best writer in the department, except that my work is always late.” Accomplishing a task at a very high level requires that you devote a lot of time and effort to it. Your realization that this will be the case ahead of time can result in procrastination. Here’s a similar example: Devan doesn’t think he is a perfectionist because his office was messy and disorganized.When asked why his office was messy,

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he says: “It would take all day to clean up and organize my office, and it would be exhausting to try to make everything ‘just right.’ So, I don’t even bother. Besides, if I couldn’t clean my office perfectly and someone saw it, they would think that was the best I could do—and I don’t want them to think that about me.” I call this “protecting your potential”— the tendency to want others to see you only at your best. Although the intention is understandable, always acting upon this urge leads to avoidance in reality (e.g., a messy office). Another factor that seems to amplify the desire to protect your potential is when you receive a vague project with loosely defined goals. First, think about a task with a defined structure (500 words), a clear goal (include product information and an endorsement), and a timeline (“I need this by next Friday”). Following these rules tends to make a task easier and more likely to be accomplished. There is a clear-cut path and a straightforward outcome. And if someone evaluates the project poorly, you can always blame the tasks’ constraints for diminishing the quality of the outcome. Now, what about a project that is framed as, “I want you to put something together in the next few months that will really blow the client away.” No other structure, no guidelines—everything is left to you. With more of “you” in this project, the stakes for the final evaluation are higher. If you put everything you have into this and it comes out well, you get all the credit. However, if you put forth your best possible work and it is evaluated poorly—with nothing else to blame it on (“My creativity was stifled by the constraints of the task”)—you are bare and open for the world to see your full potential. How do you respond to this second kind of assignment? Do you find it invigorating? Threatening? Do you postpone the entire project to avoid the eventual evaluation? Do you actually put your all into it, or do you hold something back in an attempt to “protect your potential”? A lot of unhealthy perfectionists operate according to the belief that “No one has ever seen what I can really do because I’ve never given 100 percent to something.” Does your work on the project become increasingly isolating? Do you fear receiving feedback on any part of the process due to the possibility that people might assume that the current draft is the “best you can do”?

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You have probably found from your own experience that showing only end products and not rough drafts beforehand can cause anxiety as well. It typically leads to rumination about the evaluation of the end product, task avoidance, and eventually, missed deadlines. In fact, research bears this out and has found that strong relationships exist between excessive concerns over mistake making, fear of failure, how aversive tasks are interpreted, and procrastination. In other words, when you consider working on a project, it occurs to you that you might not do it perfectly (fear of failure) or that you might make a mistake in completing it. At that point, the mere thought of beginning the project becomes so unpleasant that you simply put it off. These delays and procrastination then turn into projects that you never accomplish. What is frustrating is that this missed opportunity started with the best of intentions—to excel. But instead, you end up in trouble at work for failing to complete as assignment. In addition to wanting to stand out, you want others to think well of you. Paradoxically, you now look like a failure doing something at which you should excel.You’re receiving criticism when you should have been getting praise and feeling satisfied with your outcome.

The Paradox of Perfectionistic Self-Presentation Some researchers have investigated what they call perfectionistic self-presentation, a tendency that consists of three components. One of these is a tendency to engage in self-promotion, that is, always talking about one’s successes, abilities, and accomplishments.This is the guy in your office who is always letting everyone know about how much his clients like him, what a great job he did on his last project, how his kid just made the dean’s list, and on and on.The second component is the propensity to avoid situations that expose one’s weaknesses. This is the chronically conservative, “never wants to try anything new” or “do anything outside of his or her comfort zone” employee.The third component is the reluctance to admit to mistakes made or inadequacies one might have. This is the woman down the hall who is always defensive, constantly has reasons for why something turned out the way that it did, and is never interested in hearing anyone else’s input.

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If you put individuals with these tendencies toward perfectionistic self-presentation into an interview situation, you find that they experience greater distress before and after the interview compared with individuals who score low on measures of perfectionistic self-presentation. They report more negative expectations and higher perceived threat prior to the interview and have higher heart rates when discussing past mistakes.They are less likely to feel satisfied with their performance after the interview. And finally, interviewers rated those scoring high on perfectionistic self-presentation as less likeable. Remember the pratfall effect? The core of this concept is that if you are trying to make yourself look good by touting your accomplishments and hiding your mistakes, you are more likely to be stressed out, selfcritical, and liked less by others. Other research has shown that individuals who endorse this perfectionistic self-presentation also report higher levels of anxiety, depression, and eating disorder symptoms. Talk about a paradox! You try to downplay and hide your failures to get people to see your accomplishments, the point of which is to have people evaluate you positively, see you as competent, and like you more. However, the opposite appears to be the case in reality.

Compliments That Translate into More Work to Do There’s yet another reason you don’t want to go it alone all the time. Have you ever worked in a job where the most competent, efficient, hard workers are rewarded with more work, and typically have to pick up the slack of the lazier, less effective staff? You play into this dynamic by agreeing to cover others’ work, because it is important that it be done correctly. It also appears to everyone else that you complete your work effortlessly; at least, that is the image you are trying to portray. Your coworkers or supervisor see you turn in a 125-page report that looks like it got done just like that. No one saw you working frantically late at night to get it done, the procrastination involved, the number of rough drafts that you edited over and over again, or the fights you got into with your spouse because you were never home. You don’t share with them the feeling that you are increasingly burning out and no longer

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enjoying your job. And when you do get the compliment of how hard a worker you are and how effortlessly it apparently comes to you, it actually feels more like a backhanded compliment: “Of course, you got another project done; it comes so easy for you.” Ask yourself once again: Does your intention match your actual outcome? In this instance, think about how you present yourself, how you want your colleagues to perceive you, and what your actual outcomes are. In this case, you fail to be acknowledged because you seemingly do everything effortlessly and people see you as too set apart or unconnected.This isn’t a bad idea if you are trying to separate yourself from the pack at work; just keep in mind what your actual payoffs and costs are. Finally, be careful when comparing yourself with your colleagues, friends, family, and anyone else. It is tempting to compete with others’ strengths. The preceding chapter might have prompted you to recognize yourself as someone who wants to excel at everything. However, it also should have helped you realize that none of us have the time and resources to do this. When I tell people that I’m a psychologist, their typical response is something like, “I’m glad you can do that work; I could never listen to people’s problems all day.” We all have strengths and talents. If we waste our time competing, we miss opportunities to learn from others. A far better approach is to figure out how to collaborate with others and get their talents working for you.

Alternatives to Going It Alone The Value of Inviting Feedback and Criticism from Others One of the things I liked most in my training as a psychologist was learning about which common sense, intuitive strategies were, in fact, the opposite of what is actually effective. One of these lessons was the importance of asking for—rather than trying to avoid—feedback. In my quest to be a perfectionist, I thought positive evaluations from others came when I did things extremely well and didn’t make any mistakes. However, this is not always the case. I was taught during my early training how to ask for and even invite feedback. My first thought at the time

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was, “Hey, wait a minute. If I’m supposed to excel in college and get into graduate school, then excel in graduate school and get a competitive internship, and so on—don’t I have to appear competent and above average? If I were really a standout performer, I would be able to anticipate any possible criticism and fix it before anyone saw.” As far as I was concerned, feedback equaled criticism and was therefore a failure on my part and a sign that I must not have tried hard enough. It came as quite a shock to me to find out it was the opposite. I learned a couple of very important things when I actively sought out feedback and even criticism. First, other people’s perspectives are just that—different perspectives. It wasn’t always a criticism; sometimes, it was just another strategy, and occasionally, a better one. Often, if I ended up incorporating it, I felt more of a sense of collaboration and teamwork. Sometimes input from others stimulated my own thinking and creativity, which resulted in a better end product. Constructive feedback can also save you time.There have been multiple instances in which I have been working on a draft of a document, fretting over the word choice, spelling, and grammar only to end up finding out that this section of the final report wasn’t necessary. Receiving input on an earlier draft would have saved me an enormous amount of time. Requesting feedback on rough drafts or “works in progress” can also prompt you to consider approaches and ideas you hadn’t imagined before. I’ve noticed that sometimes I (and probably other perfectionists) resist feedback—because we feel somehow that if someone gives us a suggestion, it needs to be addressed and incorporated. And sometimes this is the case—but not always. Asking for input doesn’t necessarily mean you abdicate the role of final decision maker. During a recent discussion, my marketing team and I decided to dedicate an entire day to a “visioning meeting” during which we would review our current marketing and public relations strategies. We wanted to evaluate what was working and what was not and revise our plan accordingly. We also decided to put together a task force that incorporated individuals who had not necessarily been directly involved in the day-to-day decision making about our marketing strategies thus far. What was notable to me about this conversation was how everyone on the task force contributed something different to the end product.

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Inviting individuals outside of the marketing team allowed us to gain fresh perspectives from those with different skills and talents. The overall marketing plan was vastly improved by this collaboration, even though I found myself getting anxious (or defensive) at times when I heard ideas that would take us down a path with which I didn’t agree—or that suggested straying from an approach we had taken that I liked. However, by trusting the group process and allowing everyone to be heard, contribute, and weigh in, we were able to construct something far stronger than before. Then there are times when people just want to complain and criticize. My initial reaction to these individuals is to try to shut them down. However, the second lesson that I learned in dealing with such individuals is that sometimes people criticize because they are frustrated and want others to hear them. In this case, hearing them out and even asking for their criticism can sometimes disarm them. Keep in mind that acknowledging someone’s criticism doesn’t require you to agree or even do anything with it.You can simply accept it as a point of view, but not one that necessarily must be addressed or incorporated into the final product. In the end, the other person frequently doesn’t even notice whether you used their input or not anyway. Many times, they just wanted to voice their opinion and know that someone was paying attention. In some cases, you also find out that their style of presenting their ideas is so off-putting that you hear it as criticism when it is actually useful feedback. For example, it is important when using this strategy to ask the critic to give you their reaction in detail and to request specifics: Employee (E): Office manager (OM): E: OM: E: OM:

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“I don’t like the way this office runs. It is so disorganized.” “What is disorganized about it?” “Nothing is where it is supposed to be. I can’t find anything.” “What are you looking for that you can’t find?” “Everything! It seems like no one knows what is going on here.” “What was the last thing you were looking for that you couldn’t find?”

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“Well, the copy machine is out of paper, and I can never find any paper to refill it.” “I typically store the copy paper in the office supply closet because there isn’t any room to store it by the copy machine. Do you think it should be located someplace else?”

This is an example of a seemingly trivial exchange that could easily result in angry feelings and misunderstandings. It would be easy for this office manager to feel unfairly criticized by this employee; in fact, it would be easy to simply assume that the employee was lazy and disorganized. But instead, asking questions of the employee helps the manager sort out whether this is, in fact, a valid assessment or not. Might it be beneficial to change the strategy in question? Does this individual have any ideas that might be helpful? I talked in an earlier chapter about how valuable problem solving is in that it allows for brainstorming a variety of options and then choosing the alternative that solves the problem most effectively. Utilizing this approach in this case might be the way to go. This scenario also brings to mind another strategy I learned as a therapist but have found invaluable in my role as an administrator. I remember leading a very difficult therapy group many years ago. I was in supervision one day discussing how angry the members of the group seemed to be, and although a lot of that anger seemed directed at me, I couldn’t figure out why. My supervisor listened to my description of the group dynamic and simply said, “As therapists, sometimes we are simply a ‘catcher’s mitt’ for someone else’s pain. We don’t need to do anything with it, just hold it for them.” I have similarly found that to be an effective manager, sometimes your role is to just be a catcher’s mitt. It’s your job to distinguish between when people are just blowing off steam, when they are confused, and when they actually have good ideas.

Napoleon’s Rule I have taken asking for feedback one step further in my role as a manager by adopting something called Napoleon’s rule. The story goes that

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Napoleon told his generals to never come to him with a problem unless they had first generated three possible solutions to solve the problem. I discovered early in my career that my managers not only were more willing to hear about problems that I was invested in fixing but were happy to have me already do some of the work that was required in thinking through the problem. As a manager now myself, one of the most annoying things I can hear is news of a problem without any sense of what we can do to solve it. So I now ask my employees to freely share their concerns about problems as long as they have three possible solutions as a starting place. I want to hear the criticisms. This strategy feels collaborative to everyone.

Being Right versus Being Effective: Sometimes It’s an Either/Or Choice Another paradoxical interpersonal experience that many perfectionists have is when they ask: “If I am right, then why are we still arguing?” If the intention is to a good job, then everyone should agree that the right course of action is the best alternative. And yet you sometimes still have to argue to get it done, tell people what to do, and correct their mistakes. Or worse, you have to take over the entire job yourself! You might want to step back from circumstances like this and again consider, “What is the outcome I would like in this situation?” Sometimes everyone is on board, and being both right and effective are in line with each other. The best option is the most useful one, and everyone is happy. However, there will be times when the right path seems so incredibly clear to you, yet you encounter obstacles while attempting to implement it. For example, picture yourself as the information technology (IT) guy in your office.You know that a particular configuration of the intraoffice network is going to work best.Yet your manager Bob continues to insist on the old configuration.You attempt to point out to Bob that “it’s less efficient, uses up more space, and is harder to integrate new software using the old configuration.” Regardless, he inexplicably decides to stick with the old system. You argue with him that the old system is inefficient and that predictable problems will begin to crop

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up—problems that will affect everyone’s job performance. Bob gets frustrated with you and tells you that when he wants the system changed, he will let you know. It is unbelievable to you that the best solution is available and not being used! Just as you predicted, problems begin to creep into the system.Your coworkers experience crashes and bugs in software that shouldn’t be an issue anymore, and you start receiving the blame for these since you’re the nearest target. You’re incredibly frustrated, because you could have avoided all of this extra work and grief if your manager had just listened to you in the first place—something you decide to angrily tell him. Although Bob eventually does ask you to change the system, he also slams you on your annual review for “not taking direction well.” This is a case where being right and being effective are at odds.You become so focused on what you believe to be the “right” solution that you become frustrated when another person fails to see this as the best option. As a result, you end up negotiating in a way that backfires on you. What’s interesting is that this tendency was at play for both people involved in this interaction. Bob seemed to insist on being right as well, and now he has a resentful employee who will work less hard—and maybe even look for another job—because of it. This is effective if Bob truly doesn’t like you as the IT person; however, if he values you, then he has fallen into the trap of being right versus being effective. Similarly, you have to ask yourself if you could have gained approval to implement the new system in a way that made you look like the good guy, rather than the frustrated angry employee. My role as foundation director forces me to walk this balance all the time. In the end, my employees’ products reflect my ability to manage, so in order to protect myself, I have to figure out how to approach various situations. Do I stand over all my employees and dictate everything they do, correcting all of their mistakes as I see them, and micromanage? I realize that this is clearly a recipe for resentful and demoralized employees, which brings me back to what I was trying to avoid in the first place: poor products and an unfavorable personal evaluation. Instead, I choose very carefully where and when to insist that I am “right.” In most cases I offer feedback, suggestions, and ideas, but underscore as often as possible that it is up to them as project leaders. When I

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do ask that something be done my way, I admit that I am doing this to protect myself and that I would appreciate their help. I also have a pretty thoughtful reason why I am going to overrule them. I make sure that I put it into a larger context and clarify the reason I want them to take the project in a different direction by explaining that it’s because of the bigger picture or connections to another project of which they may not be aware. I also try to ensure that they publicly get credit for what went well, while I take the blame for what didn’t. This helps them feel supported and encouraged. I have dedicated hard workers and want to keep it that way. And besides, I want to build up a sense of good will; I know that there will be times I have to trade on it without demoralizing my employees. If I am going to insist on being right, then I want to do it in a way that maximizes being effective.

Making Sure Deliberate Practice Pays Off Maximally Let’s return again to the research on experts and the idea of deliberate practice. A review of the research on skill acquisition identified four steps that helped improve performance. First, you must have a task with welldefined goals, which is in line with the problem-solving model presented earlier. It should be clear to everyone involved at the outset what the end product should look like. The second step is having individuals who are motivated to improve. Sometimes this motivation is generated by an internal need for satisfaction and accomplishment, and sometimes it comes as a result of the level of teamwork that is elicited. The third step involves receiving feedback about one’s performance. As discussed in previous chapters, if you want to improve your skill set and raise the bar—and get your “more is better” approach to pay off—then you have to focus on your weaknesses and what didn’t go well in an attempt to improve upon them. Instead of shying away from making mistakes, you should actively seek them out with the intention of working on and changing them. According to research, this also entails inviting and heeding criticism and critiques. In fact, the more immediate and specific the feedback from others, the better. This might be why elite athletes appear to deliberately pick coaches who will give

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honest and direct feedback about what they are doing right and wrong. Continue to practice and repeat what you do well, but don’t stop there. The fourth step in this process is to incorporate others’ input on your weaknesses and actively practice these new strategies if you truly want to excel.

The Value of Teamwork In addition to receiving valuable feedback from others in order to improve, learning to work as part of a team and delegate responsibilities to others is one skill that can help you prevent burnout. Prior to specializing with patients with obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD), I worked with self-injuring, chronically suicidal patients. One’s ability to work with this population has everything to do with working as part of a team. Each patient had a primary therapist, a group therapist, and a psychiatrist for medication.We all met weekly to discuss cases and used one another for support and to spread the difficult parts of the work among us. You could always tell which therapists were becoming exhausted by the process; they were not accessing the team and were trying to do everything themselves. It was imperative for us to share responsibility; after all, someone’s life was on the line. We all found out we had no choice— better patient outcomes almost invariably had to do with a coordinated versus fragmented team. However, learning to delegate is a skill that takes practice. It requires the ability to assess others’ strengths, help them develop needed proficiencies, and get them to understand each situation’s context. Sometimes I was the primary therapist in this treatment, and sometimes I worked as the group therapist. When running a therapy group, I always insisted on a co-leader, although they were usually more junior and therefore less skilled. It ended up being helpful because we split up the group’s goals; I attended to some patients while the co-leader paid attention to others, making sure to give participants tasks that fit their skill level. I found that this approach freed me up to be even more effective running the group, because my attention wasn’t spread out across too many things.

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One of the most useful things I learned from this process was that I tended to lecture more when I became frustrated with the group. One day when my co-leader started rummaging through her purse and applying hand lotion, it was a clear indicator to me that I had lost everyone’s attention! It would never have occurred to me that trying even harder to teach the concepts only resulted in their landing on increasingly deaf ears. It wasn’t until my co-leader and I analyzed what was happening in the group that we could help everyone move forward. I am still very good friends with this therapist to this day, and if I start to drone on about something, we laugh about how she is getting ready to start moisturizing her hands. It’s a good-natured reminder of how we all have blind spots about our own performance and how feedback can be crucial in improving our skills. Delegating also requires that we take the time to follow up with others. However, it’s a pretty good trade-off to delegate 10 hours of work and spend only 30 minutes following up. Again, this is sometimes a paradoxical process: Delegating can make you look good. One manager I know who had trouble delegating realized that she had to challenge her belief that she should “do everything herself ” when she became pregnant. She carefully trained a coworker to handle her duties during her maternity leave, and the plan worked seamlessly. Later that year, she received a promotion—and learned that a key factor in this decision was her impressive training of a maternity leave replacement. This is a clear example of how the ability to manage resources is truly a valuable skill.

Using Role Models One exercise I used in my perfectionism group was to ask members first to describe their idea of a perfectionist. Responses typically included descriptors such as detail-oriented, stressed out, organized, having high standards, rigid, controlling, and the like. It was usually an amalgam of both the healthy and unhealthy perfectionism examples presented earlier. I would then ask them what they would look like if they gave up all of their perfectionism.They described an individual who was chaotic,

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lazy, messy, inconsiderate, relaxed, and reckless. One descriptor came up every time I did this exercise—average. I always wrote up on the board in front of the group when doing this group exercise. The perfectionist description was on the far left, and the nonperfectionist on the far right. The next thing I asked them to do was describe the person in the middle—a request that underscored the fact that they completely jumped over this. This point should not be overlooked, as it is a significant obstacle to one’s willingness to change some of his or her unhealthy perfectionism. What became clear in this exercise is that everyone tended to lump healthy and unhealthy perfectionism together without thinking about it clearly. Furthermore, when feeling that their perfectionism was being challenged, they immediately began to feel as though the only options available are those on the other end of the continuum—lazy, incompetent, and uncaring. “What? I’m just supposed to lower the bar and not care at all?” This is the place where most people moved when they felt that someone was challenging their (good or bad) perfectionism. However, let’s return to the exercise and fill in the middle column. What attributes make up this person in the middle—someone who falls between a rigid, but hardworking perfectionist and a lazy, uncaring, but relaxed slob? They might be conscientious, balanced, have a sense of humor about themselves, be self-confident, competent, hardworking, and so on. So how do you get to this middle column? One argument I would make is to implement the strategies presented in this book that challenge your unhealthy perfectionism. The second is to find someone like this in your life currently who you think embodies many of these qualities. Identify a friend, family member, or colleague who shares the same goals but doesn’t seem to strain as much and enjoys better outcomes than you. If another manager is effective with his or her employees but you struggle with yours, find out what that manager is doing and consider trying some of those strategies. Because I love to teach, I watch what particularly good teachers do when I encounter them. Do they use humor? Do they use a lot of slides or case studies? How do they add variety to their talks or presentations? Do they involve the audience? What are they doing differently from

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how I usually teach? What can I “borrow” from this person? My goal is not to learn how to teach just like them; rather, I want to learn what they do well, and then integrate that into my own repertoire. There is one caveat to this second strategy, though: Stick as close as possible to your immediate milieu. It is interesting how quickly people reference a celebrity in this instance.The problem with using a celebrity as a role model is that you don’t see the hidden regrets unless they hit the headlines, à la Tiger Woods. We don’t always get to see the social and emotional costs of “having it all.” Therefore, it is more useful to think of someone who you are closer to, maybe your role model is an uncle, a cousin, a coworker, or even a competitor. Or maybe you are looking for that balance between working hard but being relaxed and enjoying yourself and figuring out how to make a mistake “gracefully.” The important thing to keep in mind is to find someone who you can see both excel and occasionally fall down.

Consider a “Cabinet” A final thought about the value of others when it comes to building on your healthy perfectionism and challenging your unhealthy perfectionism: When Barack Obama was elected president, there was a lot of curiosity about who he was going to select for his cabinet. This group of people would be very influential in the policies he would choose to implement. A presidential cabinet is a fascinating strategy, the spirit of which is that the president needs one because he or she can’t be an expert in everything. Cabinet members have spent their entire careers becoming specialists. They are very good at what they do and very knowledgeable about the subject matter. They have learned from their mistakes and have already done a lot of the strategic experimentation. I have a similar relationship with my board of directors. By definition, an executive director and board of directors should have complementary skill sets and resources. This expands the organization’s vision and reach. You can apply this notion to your own life by surrounding yourself with your own “cabinet”—others who do the time-consuming research, gather and compile important data, and determine the various options.

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You can borrow from their experience, and by relying on their knowledge, time, and energy, you are freed up to be the executive decision maker. This is really the role of a president—and in many ways, the role of any manager. My job as an executive director requires that I know what all of my employees are working on and how the different programs and products of the organization are working together. It’s also my responsibility to ensure that my team members make decisions that move us all in the right direction. For example, I don’t personally do the work of running a conference; I have a program director for that. However, I do want updates on how the conference is being organized and what options are available, and I want to have input on the final product. The trick is to find the right cabinet members or employees for your team! This is by no means a small issue. When you begin to think of others as advisors with specialized knowledge, you realize that embracing and encouraging their input can be invaluable. You don’t need to be the president (or CEO) to consider the value of a cabinet. If you are the leader of any team, or maybe you are one of the team members, begin to think about how each team member holds a different skill set or aspect of the problem. Or, maybe that is not the case. Maybe you have redundancy in your group, and it is time to move some people around. Where do you have holes? How do you all work best together in a complementary way? Does your intention match your actual outcome? Do you feel productive when interacting with others at work? Are you creating excellent products, feeling efficient, achieving balance in your work and personal lives, and avoiding burnout? If not, what might you need to change?

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Summary Going It Alone versus Getting Input from Others How We Get Seduced into Believing That We Always Have to Go It Alone ■

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You want to be seen as independent and autonomous and as someone who completes projects effortlessly. Isn’t that what everyone who strives for excellence looks like? You want to make sure that people always see your potential and what you can accomplish. You believe that on average, other people are lazy, waste time, and have lower standards than you.

Why “Do It Yourself ” and “Never Let Them See You Sweat” Sometimes Backfires ■

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Only showing end products and not rough drafts can lead to task avoidance and missed deadlines. Trying to “protect your potential” can result in continual delays and procrastination, which means that you’re eventually swimming in projects that are never completed. A fresh set of eyes can spot oversights you might not have seen, resulting in better products and time saved. Perfectionistic self-presentation backfires, as it makes you more stressed out and less likeable. Being more competent sometimes translates into more work—not necessarily more recognition.

Instead, Practice Inviting Criticism, Delegating, and Surrounding Yourself with Excellence ■

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Invite feedback and criticism, and then distinguish the helpful suggestions from the unhelpful ones. Follow Napoleon’s rule by asking employees to generate three potential solutions before telling you about the problem. However, keep in mind that you are the final decision maker.

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Remember that you need to get feedback on your weaknesses to improve your skill set. Repetition and experience alone will not improve yours skills, so practice inviting criticism. Recognize that delegating helps employees develop skills and decreases your chances of burning out. Rather than competing with others’ strengths, learn from them as role models or make them members of your “cabinet.”

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The Seduction: “Just One More Minute . . .” Do you find yourself working long hours and skipping vacations while telling yourself, “It will take just one more week, one more day, one more hour”? And you’re almost at the bottom of your inbox. Besides, you can’t get too far behind, or you’ll never be able to dig yourself out of the hole. Once you feel caught up, you’ll get to the other valuable things in life: travel, personal hobbies, spending more time with the family. . . . And if you do get to these other things, then it means that your hard work has paid off . “Work hard and play hard.” Is this a saying you are able to live by? I by no means would make the argument that you shouldn’t ever feel stressed, overwhelmed, or even overworked on occasion. In fact, I believe that these experiences are part of being successful. Things worth having are things that you’ve worked hard for. The issue isn’t your willingness to work hard; it’s remembering that this hard work is also supposed to benefit you in one way or another. I spent years in graduate school, 149

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generating debt, working 70-hour weeks because it was supposed to pay off down the road. All of that hard work and sacrifice should result in autonomy, independence, choice, and career stimulation—not endless long hours, putting myself second, and paying off debts until retirement age. So, are you cashing in on your hard work? I’m not speaking literally in terms of making more money. What I’m really asking here is: Are you living life according to your value system? Obstacles that get in the way of taking breaks or time off include variations on the following beliefs and strategies: ■ ■

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“I’ll feel better once I get this assignment out of the way.” “I just want it to be finished so that I don’t have to worry about it anymore.” “It’s too hard to get back into the same frame of mind after a break; so rather than starting and stopping, it is easier to just finish what I’ve already started.” “I don’t like to multitask; it’s too distracting.”

In other words, once you start a project, you feel that the best strategy is to work straight through until it is completed. And it does feel nice to cross something off your to-do list—to be able to go home on a Friday evening and not have to worry about anything again until Monday morning. Hard work that comes to a conclusion can provide a very satisfying feeling. And yet, we all know that even with these best of intentions, this strategy can also backfire.

When and Why “All Work and No Play” Doesn’t Work When I ask perfectionists about working hard, the most common response I receive is that since they’ve always been able to perform in this way, they should be able to continue.“I pulled all-nighters in college; why can’t I do it now?” “I put in 80 hours last week on a project, and I need to be able to do it again on this next project. Why can’t I just get myself motivated?” The perfectionist sometimes discovers a gap between

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what they expect they can do and what they actually are capable of doing. Think of it this way: Just because your car starts when you turn on the ignition today doesn’t mean it always will. If you don’t put gas in the car, it doesn’t have the fuel to get moving. Similarly, research shows that individuals who have high standards, but report high “discrepancy” (i.e., those who focus on the real or perceived gap between expected and actual performance) are more likely to be workaholics. This makes sense; if you always concentrate on what isn’t done, then you will always feel like you should be working—and you never feel satisfied with what you’ve accomplished. We frequently convince ourselves that we will have the time for our personal needs later. However, when we don’t make ourselves a priority, we burn out, get run down, and eventually become sick. This is essentially our bodies’ way of forcing us to shut down when we don’t take care of ourselves. And—as you might have found—this automatic switch can “shut off ” at the most inopportune times.Think about it: How many times did you get sick during final exams in college because you were cramming the week before? Research on creativity demonstrates that working constantly to solve a problem can drain a person’s cognitive capacities and reduce their overall ability to effectively problem solve. Have you ever had that “tip of the tongue” experience where you’re trying to remember someone’s name, searching your memory trying to place him or her? You agonize over it, feeling incredibly embarrassed that you can’t recall the individual’s name.Then you get distracted after a while, and the name pops into your head. Sometimes pushing ourselves harder results in an equally powerful psychological push back.

The Alternative to “Just One More Minute . . .” The truth is that the inbox will always be full—and the seduction of the notion that you can eventually “empty” it will only keep you significantly imbalanced. No matter what, there will always be more work to do. Although it can seem to be a “waste of time,” taking breaks can, in fact, improve creativity, efficiency, and overall sense of well-being—and it can reduce procrastination.

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Using Breaks to Enhance Creativity As he sat in church one morning, chemist Art Fry was warming up prior to singing with his choir. When he opened his hymnal to the page he had marked with a scrap of paper, the marker slipped out and fell to the ground. Annoyed by this, he sat through the following sermon thinking about a better strategy for book marking. He had recently attended a seminar with a colleague named Spence Silver who had developed a new type of adhesive that would allow paper to stick to a surface without damaging it—allowing it to be easily removed.With this juxtaposition of events that occurred outside of work, Art Fry had invented the Post-It note. Research on creative problem solving highlights the value of an incubation period. This model of creativity has people start by using straightforward logic and reasoning, a problem-solving approach that’s very similar to what we discussed in Chapter 6. However, if a dilemma is vague or complex—and straightforward problem solving does not work—then walking away from trying to solve it (i.e., letting the problem incubate) actually increases the likelihood of eventually finding a solution. And not working doesn’t mean not working at all; sometimes, it simply means working differently. For example, consider the difference between explicit and implicit processing. Explicit knowledge is accessible, verbal, and symbolic, and it uses a lot of resources that require attention; in other words, it entails active, logical, linear problem solving. Implicit knowledge, however, is not particularly accessible; it’s vague and associative, and it does not use a lot of one’s attention. We can see how this plays out in the “tip of the tongue” experience, where working “hard” (trying to force the memory) means working less’ effectively.

Using Breaks to Improve Results Findings reported in the Harvard Business Review indicated that 94 percent of people in professional services (e.g., consultants, investment bankers, lawyers) report putting in 50 hours or more a week, with almost half reporting 65 hours a week. However, the Boston Consulting Group (BCG) wanted to challenge the assumption made by so many

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corporations: that employees should always be available, put in long hours, and avoid taking time off in order to deliver high-quality services. Over the course of four years, they implemented a series of different policies that required their consultants to take time off . One strategy even involved making it compulsory for each consultant to take a day off during the week. In another experiment, consultants had to take one night off weekly during which they were not allowed to do any work at all after 6 pm—no checking e-mails or other messages, either. Interestingly, the consultants protested vigorously about this “forced” vacation. Many worried that taking this time off would mean that they’d get irrevocably behind in their work. Yet after a while, the consultants came to appreciate the time they had completely away from the office. They began reporting higher satisfaction with both their jobs and their work/life balance when compared with those not participating in the mandatory time off experiment. In addition, they described experiencing more open communication, improved learning, and better end products than their cohorts. Most days I spent writing this book were on my weekend mornings. I had as much entertainment as I could possibly muster during every writing session. Soon after waking up, I would make a pot of coffee, grab my laptop and cell phone, research articles, and sit on my couch to write. But I limited my writing to 20- to 30-minute blocks. After I would write one section, I would go online, buy songs from iTunes, or call a friend—anything to let my brain rest. Then I would go back and read what I had written, make some changes, and then start the next section, repeating the process. This entire book was written in 20- to 30-minute chunks of time. Each time I came back to writing, I felt like I had a different perspective. I used the time between writing blocks to tell my friends and colleagues about ideas I was working on for the book. As I explained these concepts and strategies to them, new ideas would emerge. Mixing things up in this way actually made the writing come easier, and the pieces of the book continued to naturally fall into place. Had I taken a different approach—and decided that I had to write for four hours every weekend morning with no stops or breaks—it would have made the entire process miserable. I would likely have procrastinated . . . and you might not be reading this right now!

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Maintaining Life Balance: Redistributing Time Across Domains Improves Overall Well-Being One group of researchers defines the idea of “life balance” as the way you would ideally like to spend your time compared with how you actually spend your time across various domains in your life. This is similar to the ideas presented in Chapter 7 on values. That is, based on your priorities—the things that are personally important to you—how would you distribute time across these various domains if you had complete control over your own schedule? These studies asked participants to write down what their ideal day would look like. They were then encouraged to try to revamp their schedule so that it matched this ideal as closely as possible to over the course of a month. The researchers followed up with each of the participants after the month was over. Those who were able to strike more of a balance among different activities and who could closely match their actual to their ideal daily schedules reported increased feelings of connection with others, enhanced life satisfaction, and elevated feelings of competence.

I Forgot How to Relax! In 1998, after going straight through from college to graduate school, I was finally licensed as a psychologist. With my dissertation, degree, and license now out of the way, I could finally begin rebuilding some desperately needed balance back into my life. However, I found myself using my free time to—of all things—watch TV. I couldn’t seem to remember what else I liked to do! I began to realize that, as much as I relished no longer having deadlines and enjoying the freedom to relax and enjoy my downtime, I was procrastinating and avoiding trying new things. I couldn’t figure out how I wanted to spend my free time now that I finally had some. It was strangely daunting. So much of my identity and sense of self had been caught up in my training that I wasn’t sure what was fun, relaxing, and stimulating outside of work and school. I had kind of forgotten, since I hadn’t had the chance to develop new interests over the past 10 years.

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It was now time to experiment—to return to some activities that I used to enjoy and to try some that I had been postponing. I had to fight the urge to just collapse on the couch at the end of a workday. Although it always felt to me in the moment that I needed the rest and time to decompress, I found myself getting increasingly bored and restless. I also recognized that I was waiting around for some sort of insight as to how to spend my free time. In the end it was important to just brainstorm some ideas and start somewhere. The following pages provide a list of activities in which you might want to consider trying. It is a helpful exercise to complete; you can mark off the endeavors in which you currently engage, what you would like to spend more time doing, and which you’d like to try for the first time. The best and most rejuvenating schedules are those that have a lot of variety, so try to pick activities from different categories. As discussed previously in this chapter, these relaxing and enjoyable pastimes might also be the keys to improving creativity, leaving you refreshed so that your end products actually turn out better, and might provide you with the endurance you need when trying to increase your professional skills. DO SOMETHING NICE FOR YOURSELF Do Do Want Do Do Want Now More to Now More to Often Try Often Try Sleep in late Stay up late Go home from Take a day off work early from work Eat a favorite Drink a food favorite beverage Buy something Wear favorite/ you’ve been sexy/formal/ wanting (clothes, new clothes books, an electronic “toy”) Give yourself Do something a day with spontaneously nothing to do (continued)

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(continued) DO SOMETHING NICE FOR YOURSELF Do Do Want Do Do Want Now More to Now More to Often Try Often Try Go out to Go on dinner vacation Go to the Take a sauna beauty parlor/ or a steam barber shop/spa bath Take a class in Take lessons something that (acting, interests you singing, art) EXERCISE Want Do Do Now More to Often Try

Do Do Want Now More to Often Try Play softball/ baseball Play basketball Play football Play volleyball Play soccer Play golf Bowl Rollerblade Play hockey Ice skate Snow ski/snow board Water ski Go sailing Go whitewater canoeing

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Walk Jog Run track Hike Go bike riding Swim Play tennis Practice karate/judo Weight lift Go rock climbing Dance Wrestle Box Play rugby

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HOBBIES Do Do Want Do Do Want Now More to Now More to Often Try Often Try Spend time on Take care of the computer plants/arrange (Internet) flowers Cook/bake Garden Draw/paint Do yard work/ landscaping Writing books/ Renovate a poems/short room/your stories house Sing Do woodworking Play a musical Refinish instrument furniture Restore Take antiques photographs/ sculpt Engage in arts Knit/sew/ and crafts needlepoint/ quilt Volunteer Build models Ride a Go horseback motorcycle riding Learn a new Fish language Collect old Go bird things watching Start an Go hunting aquarium Do jigsaw Work on car/ puzzles bike Buy/sell stock Shoot pool Fly a plane Start a collection (continued)

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(continued) Do Do Want Now More to Often Try

GOING PLACES Do Do Want Now More to Often Try Spectator sports The woods/ (auto racing, mountains baseball games) (hiking) Camping Museums Bars/clubs

Concerts

Parties

The ballet

The circus

Lectures

The beach

Plays

The movies

The opera

Carnivals/fairs

The zoo

The cemetery

The library

The park

The aquarium

ACTIVITIES WITH OTHERS Do Do Want Want Do Do Now More to Now More to Often Try Often Try Have lunch/ dinner with a friend Spend an evening with good friends Discuss a favorite topic with a friend (movies, books, politics) Meet new people

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Take kids to a favorite place Have a family get-together Attend religious functions (go to church) Watch sports

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ACTIVITIES WITH OTHERS Do Do Want Do Do Want Now More to Now More to Often Try Often Try Ask someone Do something out on a date nice for someone Go on a date Play a board game Sit in a Play table sidewalk cafe tennis Go on a picnic Play Frisbee Play cards Talk on the phone Flirt Plan a party Kiss Debate Have sex Sightsee RELAXING ACTIVITIES Want Do Do Want Do Do Now More to Now More to Often Try Often Try Listen to music Read magazines, newspapers, or books Watch TV Go for a drive Write in a journal/diary Do a crossword puzzle Light candles

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Take a nap Read the early morning newspaper and enjoy a cup of coffee Take a long shower Soak in the bathtub Write a letter to someone Lie in the sun Meditate/ practice Yoga (continued)

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(continued) Do Do Want Now More to Often Try

RELAXING ACTIVITIES Do Do Want Now More to Often Try Make a gift for someone Look through old photographs Spend time with a pet (e.g., take the dog for a walk)

POSITIVE IMAGES/THOUGHTS Want Do Do Do Do Want Now More to Now More to Often Try Often Try Reflect on personal improvement Think about personal good qualities Think about getting married Think about sex Think about having a family Think about past trips

Plan a vacation

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Play video games Put together a photo album or scrapbook Fly a kite

Plan to go to school Think about finishing school Plan career/ career change Think about retirement Think about buying things Think about becoming active in the community Plan a family reunion

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GETTING THINGS ACCOMPLISHED Do Do Want Do Do Want Now More to Now More to Often Try Often Try Make a “to-do” Clean the list house Complete a Repair things task and cross it around the off my list house Go to the gym Do laundry Lose weight Get out of debt Balance the Make a checkbook necessary medical appointment

Redesign Your Daily Schedule As noted earlier, avoiding exhaustion and refreshing yourself isn’t just about taking breaks; it’s about achieving a sense of balance in your schedule that reflects what is truly important to you. Remember, unhealthy perfectionism can put blinders on you without you even noticing it. It can steal your concentration and keep you from paying attention to the big picture. The following is a powerful example of how we’re all occasionally seduced into trying to do well at a task, only to miss out on gaining important information. Participants in a study watched a video of two basketball teams dribbling and passing the ball back and forth between each other and were instructed to count the number of passes made for each team. Sounds pretty straightforward, right? However, in the middle of the game for about 5 seconds, a woman walks through the entire basketball court with an umbrella. When asked afterward if they noticed anything out of the ordinary, 50 to 70 percent of participants failed to notice the woman with the umbrella.

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It is almost automatic for many of us to get so wrapped up in trying to do a good job that we don’t notice even large and obvious clues that should catch our attention. Have you ever gotten so caught up in a task at your desk that it occurs to you only hours later that you haven’t eaten or desperately need to use the bathroom? Of course, this doesn’t mean that you always have complete control over your schedule. You might have “going to the gym” planned for Tuesday, only to have it thrown out the window when your child gets sick or a last-minute project is dumped on your desk after lunch. It isn’t about rigidly adhering to a schedule as much as plotting it out thoughtfully and remembering to at least attempt to make room for activities that are the most important for you. The following pages have a series of worksheets to aid you in your planning process. Read through the various categories of activities described in Worksheet 9.1 and add activities that appeal to you to Worksheet 9.2. Finally, I have provided a blank schedule (Table 9.1) for you to fill in so that you can practice mapping out a schedule with more balance and variety.

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Worksheet 9.1 Types of Activities to Include in a Weekly Schedule Socializing—Activities Based on Family, Intimate, and Social Values ■ ■

■ ■

Help improve your mood Help maintain positive connections with others and decrease loneliness Provide opportunities to learn new things from others Provide needed help or support from others

Exercise—Activities Based on Health-Related Values ■ ■ ■

Make our bodies healthier Provide an outlet to rid ourselves of unwanted, nervous energy Increase our energy level for other activities

Self-Care—Activities Based on Health-Related Values ■ ■

■

Improve our mood by helping our bodies feel good Give us more independence by taking care of necessary responsibilities Result in a sense of accomplishment and self-confidence

Vocation—Activities Based on Work, School, and Community Service Values ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■

Provide us with a routine Help contribute to a positive self-image Allow us to feel like we’re part of a community Give us opportunities to try new things Provide regular social contacts Provide meaning and purpose

Relaxing/Meditation/Prayer—Activities Based on Leisure and Spirituality Values ■ ■

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Renew our energy Connect with faith-based practice

(continued)

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(continued) ■ Manage our stress and anxiety ■ Serve as a reward for working hard

Hobbies—Activities Based on Leisure Values ■ ■ ■ ■

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Provide routine to decrease boredom Help socializing by sharing interests with others Increase skill and therefore self-confidence Provide a source of pride

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Worksheet 9.2 What I Want to Incorporate into My Weekly Schedule Socializing—Activities Based on Family, Intimate, and Social Values _____________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________ Exercise—Activities Based on Health-Related Values _____________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________ Self-Care—Activities Based on Health-Related Values _____________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________ Vocation—Activities Based on Work, School, and Community Service Values _____________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________ Relaxing/Meditation/Prayer—Activities Based on Leisure and Spirituality Values _____________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________ Hobbies—Activities Based on Leisure Values _____________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________ (continued)

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(continued) Table 9.2

My Weekly Schedule My Weekly Schedule

MONDAY TUESDAY WEDNESDAY THURSDAY

7–8 am 8–9 9–10 10–11 11–12 pm 12–1 1–2 2–3 3–4 4–5 5–6 6–7 7–8 8–9 9–10 10–11

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All Work and No Play FRIDAY

SATURDAY

SUNDAY

7–8 am 8–9 9–10 10–11 11–12 pm 12–1 1–2 2–3 3–4 4–5 5–6 6–7 7–8 8–9 9–10 10–11

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Summary “Just One More Minute” versus Taking Breaks to Refuel How We Get Seduced into “Just One More Minute . . .” ■

We work long hours and skip vacations because we tell ourselves, “It will take just one more minute, one more hour, one more week…” Or, “I’ll feel better with it out of the way. I can catch up on sleep over the weekend.” These are justifications for always putting work first.We think we’ll eventually travel and spend more time with the family, but unfortunately, we usually don’t.

Why “Just One More Minute” Sometimes Backfires ■

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■

We convince ourselves we will have the time for our personal needs later, but when we don’t make ourselves and our health a priority, we get burned out, run down, and sick. Just because your car starts when you turn the ignition today doesn’t mean it always will. If you don’t put gas in the car, it doesn’t have the fuel to get moving. All work and no play decreases and can even impede creativity.

Instead, Practice Taking Breaks with the Intention of Refueling Yourself ■ ■

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In many cases, taking a break improves performance and creativity. Make sure that you schedule breaks and vary your daily activities across all valued domains in order to improve both your cognitive functioning and mood.

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10 Putting It All Together

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There is a common saying when you are trained as a therapist: “Practice what you preach.” I have to admit that the process of writing this book has really put me in touch with all of my own healthy and unhealthy perfectionistic tendencies. The hardest part for me? Showing drafts to other people. I am one of those people who likes to “protect my potential.” However, I also knew that the quality of the book was only going to improve if I relied on outside opinions. So what strategies did I teach you that I practiced myself? No matter how uncomfortable I felt sending out drafts of this book, I kept doing it. I sent them to friends, family, and colleagues. As difficult as it was for me, I wanted to use the principles of deliberate practice to have them tell me about my writing’s weaknesses. I had to remind myself that I am not the best at grammar and punctuation and should therefore find people who are. I had to challenge the notion that I needed to be good at everything when writing. One early comment I received was that my writing did not tell a good story. My first thought: “I am a good storyteller! I just hadn’t gotten to that part of the writing. No fair! She must 171

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think the book is boring; maybe this is going to be a terrible book. . . .” Then I started writing the section on harsh self-criticism and was once again reminded to practice what I preach. I repeated to myself that my unhealthy perfectionism was likely operating whenever I experienced extreme thoughts and feelings. Then I added that concept to the book. And so it went. In the end, I did enjoy the process of writing this book; it definitely helped me challenge some of my own unhealthy perfectionism. I hope you agree that I kept to the promise I made at the outset as well. First, I assumed you picked up this book because you find the concept of perfectionism interesting and complicated. I initially set out to help you think about what perfectionism is more clearly. The concept of perfectionism has always been endlessly fascinating to me. There are both intrapersonal (how you view and feel about yourself) and interpersonal implications of perfectionism. As I stated at the beginning of the book, when someone says to me, “You are such a perfectionist,” it is always hard for me to tell whether it is a compliment, insult, or both (it is usually the latter!). In fact, I began one of my favorite groups at the OCD Institute by asking clients for their definitions of perfectionism. Although I received a range of answers, there was a surprising amount of overlap, and it always resulted in a very lively and engaging discussion. I was asked to compose a “translational research” book when originally approached to write this book, that is, to explain to readers what psychological researchers have been able to understand about perfectionism. Ideally, it would provide a look at how this research has defined and refined the definitions over time and what it found about how perfectionism works for and against us. The thinking behind a translational research book is that I read through long, scientific research studies and distill down to the bottom line for readers. I then translate this information into what you need to know about perfectionism in order to maximize your effectiveness. As a result, the ideas and recommendations in this book are informed not just by my own clinical (and personal) experience but also by what investigators were finding in their research. This was this book’s second promise and goal: to make you a better perfectionist.

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As noted throughout the book, one of the most interesting aspects of perfectionism to me is asking the question: When does it work, and when doesn’t it work—and why? How could the seemingly same strategy and approach work in one situation and not another? How could it be that what I believe to be one of my best traits is sometimes one of my greatest limitations? I was heartened to see that the research on perfectionism has moved away from the theory that “all perfectionism is bad, so get rid of it.” This concept had never sat well with me, nor did it match my own experience. It also didn’t help me with my clients at all! If you have found the same, then putting together your personal profile of “pockets” of perfectionism—what works and what doesn’t—may well be invaluable to you. Because I like order, I have used this final chapter to pull together the various ideas that I’ve presented throughout the book and organize them in a (hopefully) useful way. In the following section, I briefly review each of the main points from Chapters 5 through 9: what the seductions are, when and why a strategy works and does not work, and alternatives. Next, I want to have you locate yourself on each of the domains of perfectionism as you did in Chapter 2, and then determine whether you are ready to begin working on any of those areas. If so, you should locate yourself on the stages of change continuum. Finally, identify which alternatives presented you would like to use to challenge the perfectionism that isn’t working for you. In essence, you build your own personal perfectionism game plan by figuring out the areas in which you might struggle, the level of motivation you need to work on each, and the strategies you might use to help you transition from the unhealthy end of the continuum to the healthy end.

What to Keep in Mind to Shift away from Unhealthy Perfectionism As discussed in Chapter 5, you want to keep in mind that more is better in some cases. Although setting high standards for yourself can elicit more favorable outcomes, the line between persistence and perseveration is blurry. You might wonder if you can risk showing someone

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less than your absolute best if you want to excel. But remember that throwing everything you have at every task robs you of time, energy, and resources—all of which you have in only limited supply. Pure repetition of a task does not improve your performance over time. Task input and outcomes appear to have a curvilinear relationship wherein the principle of “more is better” is replaced by diminishing returns. Although the payoffs in the beginning might be high, the amount of time and effort you direct toward a task stops reaping commensurate outcomes at some point in the process. This trend is illustrated in the graph that follows:

Payoff on a Task

HIGH

MEDIUM

LOW

LESS

MODERATE Time, Energy, and Resources

MORE

You want to start tracking the arc of your payoffs versus efforts and discern at what point one starts to outweigh the other. Consider Pareto’s principle, or the 80/20 rule, and devote 80 percent of your energy to the 20 percent of projects, material, and information to which people actually pay attention. Remember the value of psychological flexibility: It is vitally important to recognize when a strategy is a poor fit for given circumstances. Know when to shift your approach and consider that sometimes working less actually elicits better results. Finally, keep the principles of deliberate practice in mind by focusing on aspects of a task that you feel are beyond your current level of competence and comfort. Practice the process of acting outside of yourself. In Chapter 6, I reviewed the issue of mistake making—an occurrence that can seem catastrophic to perfectionists and can trigger feelings of intense guilt and anxiety. Conversely, completing a project that is “error free” leads to a strong sense of satisfaction. Also, since you tend

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to think less of others when they make mistakes, you assume they will evaluate you in a similar way. However, it’s crucial to realize that occasional mistakes made by an otherwise competent individual can actually improve others’ attitudes toward that person. In addition, excessive concerns about making mistakes can undermine performance and lead someone to constantly play it safe, follow rules, and stifle creativity. Remember, harsh self-criticism in response to mistakes doesn’t fix the problem; instead, it can lead to burnout, procrastination, and lowered self-esteem. And finally, recall the Japanese notion of wabi-sabi, the idea that beauty can be found in that which is imperfect, impermanent, and incomplete, and that worn, messy, rough edges are more appealing in some instances. It’s therefore helpful to develop a “scientific attitude,” one wherein you strategically test your theories and options to see which actually have the best payoffs and outcomes. Keep the steps of effective problem solving in mind and be thoughtful about the context. Determine the best times to try experimenting and when it’s best to hold off. As strange as it seems at first glance, remember that mistakes and weaknesses, in fact, hold the key to possible improvements in skill acquisition and performance. Chapter 7 underscored the notion that most people would like others to see them as intelligent, hardworking, athletic, musically talented, and so on. It might have occurred to you before to cut back on some of these areas and lower the bar; however, no one likes to be average, look like a slacker, or appear awkward. But attempting to do everything well—and with the same level of detail, effort, and energy— renders you exhausted all of the time. Furthermore, you feel like you never get to what is most meaningful to you. Remember, you don’t have 10,000 hours to devote to every area and skill at which you want to excel. Instead, use your personal values to determine your priorities. Do the important work of sitting down and thinking through what you want your life to stand for. Don’t confuse what you want for yourself with what you think others expect of you. And finally, learn to use the ABCF task-ranking strategy described in the chapter to be strategic about when to give 100 percent, rather than wasting effort on less

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important tasks. Always keep in mind that leading a courageous, effective, vital life involves sacrifice. In Chapter 8, I discussed most people’s desire to be seen as independent and autonomous and to have others recognize their potential and see what they can accomplish. However, showing only end products and avoiding sharing rough drafts can lead to task avoidance and missed deadlines. Trying to protect your potential often results in continual delays, procrastination, and eventually, incomplete projects. On the other hand, a fresh set of eyes on a rough draft can spot oversights you might not have seen, which usually results in better products and saved time. Besides, perfectionistic self-presentation backfires by making you more stressed and less likeable. Finally, be careful when you’re working within a system that rewards competence with added assignments or responsibilities instead of increased recognition. As scary as it sounds, you must remember to actually invite criticism and feedback. This serves two purposes: It takes the steam out of complainers and allows you to distinguish the helpful suggestions from the unhelpful. Following Napoleon’s rule—asking that three solutions to a problem be presented—can bring about improved options, more efficiency, and an overall feeling of teamwork. In addition, you actually need some feedback occasionally from others about your weaknesses in order to improve your skill set, because repetition and experience alone will not do this. Keep in mind that delegating helps employees develop competence and decreases your chances of burning out. It also works better to learn from others as role models or to make them part of your “cabinet” than to compete with them. Finally, in Chapter 9, I asked you to consider whether you were working long hours and skipping vacations, all the while telling yourself some version of, “Just a little bit longer, then . . . ,” but the “then” never seems to come. If you don’t take the time to refresh and refuel, you are much more likely to get run down, sick, and burned out—and failing to take breaks impedes creativity. Instead, remind yourself that taking time off can actually improve your performance and resourcefulness. Varied daily activities across valued domains in your life, along with periodic breaks, improve both your cognitive functioning and mood.

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Different Domains Affected by Perfectionism Next to each domain listed, locate yourself on this continuum:

Unhealthy 1

Healthy 2

3

4

5

6

7

___ There’s frequently a large gap between my goals and my actual outcomes, or I typically achieve the goals I set for myself or come close enough for my own satisfaction. ___ I always have to follow a rule, even when I recognize it might not work all of the time, or I follow rules and guidelines when they work, but I am flexible, adaptable, and creative when I need to be. ___ I have to be the best at everything, whether or not I have any skill or interest in the activity, or I am good about devoting time and energy to those areas in my life where my strengths are. ___ I have difficulty prioritizing tasks because I believe that everything is equally important and has to be done equally well, or I match time and energy appropriately to a given task’s relevance and importance and can prioritize accordingly. ___ I have a poor track record of meeting deadlines and frequently miss due dates on particularly important projects, or I typically meet timelines that I or others set for me. ___ My attempts at order and organization actually slow me down, or My attempts at order and organization lead to increased efficiency. ___ I frequently worry about making mistakes, which results in timeconsuming overediting, missed deadlines, and stress about the consequences of making such errors, or My diligence about being careful to catch my mistakes usually pays off. ___ No matter how many successes I’ve had, any perceived failure has me significantly questioning myself and my abilities, or I recognize my own strengths and weaknesses and realize that I don’t have to excel at everything all of the time in order to feel good about myself. ___ I am chronically stressed, anxious, and dissatisfied while working on tasks and evaluating the related results, or I like a good challenge. I typically feel determination, focus, and excitement about the prospect of solving a problem.

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___ I focus on the negative: I worry about failure and how terrible it would be if I made a mistake, and I fear being criticized, or I focus on the positive: I strive for success, build on what’s going right, and enjoy a challenge. ___ My evaluations are all-or-none: Negatives cancel out positives, or I am pretty balanced in my evaluations. I notice and count both positives and negatives. ___ I am a chronic doubter. It seems impossible to make a final decision on something and stick to it, or I find it relatively easy to feel comfortable with a decision once I’ve made one. ___ I tend to criticize myself harshly whenever my performance seems to fall short of my standards, or I recognize mistakes that I make and although I’m disappointed with them, I cultivate a problem-solving approach toward improving the next time. ___ Others tend to see me as controlling and critical, or Others tend to see me as collaborative and a good team player. ___ I am devastated by any negative comments I receive, even when I receive positive input as well, or I am pretty good at taking constructive criticism, using what is valuable and disregarding what isn’t. ___ I never show works in progress to anyone for fear that they might think I’m not competent, or I am comfortable with others weighing in with their comments and ideas along the way when working on a task. ___ I spend a lot of time trying to live up to others’ expectations or trying not to upset them, rather than focusing on meeting my own goals, or I am driven by a need to satisfy myself and achieve my own personally set goals.

Stages of Change Remember, recognizing something isn’t working and then doing different do not always go hand in hand. For example, people realize that continuing to smoke may cause lung cancer; however, this is sometimes not enough to get them to quit. In the same vein, understanding that your perfectionism might be backfiring might not be enough motivation to change it. Using the pro-con analysis from Chapter 3, keep the four

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stages of change (briefly summarized on page 180) in mind as you complete Table 10.1. The information you provide combines your healthy/ unhealthy ratings and your willingness to challenge each domain with which you are struggling. Table 10.1 What I am Willing to Change Unhealthy (1) —Healthy Rating (7)

Perfectionism Domain My goals and outcomes match. I am flexible and adaptable. I devote time and energy to strengths. I am good at prioritizing. I am good at meeting deadlines. I am organized and efficient. I am concerned about making mistakes. I recognize strengths and weaknesses. I have a positive attitude toward upcoming projects. My focus is on success, not worrying about failure. I am balanced in self-evaluations. I am comfortable with making decisions. I engage in problem solving versus self-criticism. I am a collaborative team player. I am good at taking constructive criticism. I ask others for help when needed. I am driven by my own goals, not the need to please others.

Stage of Change (N/A, PC, C, P, A)*

*N/A = not applicable (this is a healthy aspect of my perfectionism, so I don’t need to change anything), PC = pre-contemplation, C = contemplation, P = preparation, A = action.

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Pre-contemplation You have no interest in changing any time soon. You may have tried a number of times and have failed, so you have simply given up. Perhaps you just don’t have the time or don’t want to expend the effort.

Contemplation You are considering changing, say, in the next few months. You recognize there are advantages to changing, but there are also a lot of barriers, obstacles, and costs. You’re still considering and weighing the costs of engaging in the change process.

Preparation You have evaluated the pros and cons of working on this area of your perfectionism and are ready to make a change.You recognize that the advantages of changing outweigh the short-term disadvantages of change, and you are developing a plan of action.You are considering getting input from friends, coworkers, and your boss on how to do some things differently.

Action You have already been working on change in this area. You have been trying out new strategies and gathering feedback and information about what is working differently, and you are now interested in how to continue to adapt your strategies to improve your payoffs.

Final Step: Identifying the Strategies You Are Planning to Use You’ve sorted through what is working and what isn’t, and you may have identified some areas you would like to improve.The next step is to figure out exactly how you want to tackle them.Table 10.2 is a list of the alternative strategies presented throughout the book.You can use this list

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Table 10.2 Alternative Strategies Look for diminishing returns. Remember the value of psychological flexibility: Is this a situation that requires a different approach? Is less actually more in this case? Based on context, practice experimenting by comparing options to see which actually have the best payoffs and outcomes. Go out of your way to identify mistakes and weaknesses as a means to improving skills and performance. Distinguish what you want for yourself from what you think others expect of you. Is this a situation that might involve sacrifice? Encourage feedback to build a sense of teamwork. Is this a situation where insisting on being right is making you less effective overall? Delegate more to help employees develop skills. Identify a role model from whom you can learn. Remind yourself that distributing your time across all valued domains in your life improves mood, creativity, and performance and decreases burnout.

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Use Pareto’s principle. Use deliberate practice to focus on weaknesses in order to improve performance. Keep the steps of effective problem-solving in mind (goal setting, brainstorming, weighing the pros and cons, and implementing the solution). Use your personal values (complete the values assessment and/or eulogy) to determine your priorities. Use the ABCF task-ranking strategy to be strategic about when to give 100 percent. Encourage feedback to take the wind out of a complainer. Utilize Napoleon’s rule (ask for three solutions to a problem at the same time the problem is presented). Ask for critiques about your performance to learn more about your weaknesses and therefore improve your skill set. Delegate more to decrease your sense of burnout. Identify people to add to your “cabinet.” Identify more opportunities to take breaks and incorporate them into your schedule.

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to identify up to three areas of perfectionism you are planning to work on and then complete the following worksheet on the strategies you are planning to use. I’ve also included an example.

Sample Game Plan 1 Area of Perfectionism to Work On: I spend too much time editing reports. I do this because I don’t like to make mistakes, I want others to see me as competent, and I do think less of others when I see their mistakes. Strategy/strategies I Am Planning to Use: I am planning to use the principle of diminishing returns to cut back on wasted time and energy. I will remind myself to pay attention to the quality of my ideas, not minor spelling mistakes—because in reality, no one else notices or cares. I will remember the 80/20 rule as well. I am planning to remind myself that focusing on mistakes while also striving for good outcomes actually reduces my creativity. 2 Area of Perfectionism to Work On: I take on too much at work and don’t get the help I actually need. I am starting to burn out and feel overwhelmed. Strategy/strategies I Am Planning to Use: I’m going to sit down with my boss and my to-do list and figure out what I can delegate to others. I’m going to commit to taking some time off from work in the next month to refuel. I’m going to use the ABCF task-ranking exercise to determine how I am distributing time on different tasks so that I can thoughtfully cut back on less important areas. 3 Area of Perfectionism to Work On: I need to improve my presentation skills, but I can’t stand hearing criticism. I end up feeling terrible and beating myself up. Strategy/strategies I Am Planning to Use: I am going to identify one person in the office who I think gives excellent presentations. I am going to watch his or her next presentation and take notes about what seemed to be particularly effective in that person’s style. I will actively seek feedback after my next presentation and remind myself that I have to get outside input if I want to improve. I will remember that beating up on myself doesn’t actually do anything to help.

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My Game Plan 1 Area of Perfectionism to Work On: ___________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________ Strategy/strategies I Am Planning to Use: ___________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________ 2 Area of Perfectionism to Work On: ___________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________ Strategy/strategies I Am Planning to Use: ___________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________ 3 Area of Perfectionism to Work On: ___________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________ Strategy/strategies I Am Planning to Use: ___________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________

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Summary Did My Intention Match My Actual Outcome? My goal in writing this book was twofold. The first objective was to help you distinguish between your healthy and unhealthy perfectionism. As a result, you now have a way to determine under what circumstances your perfectionism is likely to help you reach your goals versus when it holds you back—instead of lumping all of your perfectionism together. Second, my goal was to provide you with some new tools and techniques to aid you in your change process in areas of your life that you wish to modify. As I’ve stated before, perfectionism can help you be successful. It isn’t necessarily something that you should eliminate entirely from your life. I am eager to hear what approaches worked out for you and what you discovered about yourself and your habits as you put these into practice. Please keep me posted on your progress as you make your way through this process of perfecting your perfectionism.You can always find me online at: www.ThePerfectionistsHandbook.com or on twitter: @drjeffszymanski

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Introduction Hamachek, D. E. (1978). Psychodynamics of normal and neurotic perfectionism. Psychology, 15, 27–33. Sassaroli, S. Lauro, L. J., Ruggiero, G. M., Mauri, M. C., Vinai, P., & Frost, R. (2008). Perfectionism in depression, obsessive-compulsive disorder and eating disorders. Behaviour Research and Therapy, 46, 757–765. Stumpf, H., & Parker, W. D. (2000). A hierarchical structural analysis of perfectionism and its relation to other personality characteristics. Personality and Individual Differences, 28, 837–852.

Chapter 1 Frost, R. O., Marten, P., Lahart, C., & Rosenblate, R. (1990).The dimensions of perfectionism. Cognitive Therapy and Research, 14, 449–468. Hewitt, P. L., & Flett, G. L. (1991). Perfectionism in the self and social contexts: Conceptualization, assessment, and association with psychopathology. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 60, 456–470. Stoeber, J., & Otto, K. (2006). Positive conceptions of perfectionism: Approaches, evidence, challenges. Personality and Social Psychology Review, 10, 295–319. 185

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Chapter 3 Gaudreau, P., & Thompson, A. (2010). Testing a 2 × 2 model of dispositional perfectionism. Personality and Individual Differences, 8, 532–537. Serpell, L.,Waller, G., Fearon, P., & Meyer, C. (2009).The roles of persistence and perseveration in psychopathology. Behavior Therapy, 40, 260–271. Stoeber, J., & Otto, K. (2006). Positive conceptions of perfectionism: Approaches, evidence, challenges. Personality and Social Psychology Review, 10, 295–319.

Chapter 4 Hayes, S. C., & Smith, S. (2005). Get out of your mind and into your life:The new acceptance and commitment therapy. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications. Miller W. R., & Rollnick S. (2002). Motivational interviewing: Preparing people for change (2nd ed.). New York: The Guilford Press. Prochaska, J. O., & Velicer. W. F. (1997). The transtheoretical model of health behavior change. American Journal of Health Promotion, 12, 38–48. Rubak, S., Sandbaek, A., Lauritzen, T., & Christensen, B. (2005). Motivational interviewing: A systematic review and meta-analysis. British Journal of General Practice, April, 305–312. Stoeber, J., & Stoeber, F. S. (2009). Domains of perfectionism: Prevalence and relationships with perfectionism, gender, age, and satisfaction with life. Personality and Individual Differences, 46, 530–535.

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Dunkley, D. M., Zuroff, D. C., & Blankstein, K. R. (2006). Specific perfectionism components versus self-criticism in predicting maladjustment. Personality and Individual Differences, 40, 665–676. D’Zurilla, T. J., & Nezu, A. M. (2007). Problem-solving therapy: A positive approach to clinical intervention (3rd ed.). New York: Spring Publishing. Ericsson, K. A., Nandagopal, K., & Roring, R. W. (2009). Toward a science of exceptional achievement: Attaining superior performance through deliberate practice. Annals of the New York Academy of Sciences, 1172, 199–217. Ericsson, K. A., Prietula, M. J., & Cokely, E. T. (2007). The making of an expert. Harvard Business Review, 85, 115–121. Gilbert, P., Durrant, R., & McEwan, K. (2006). Investigating relationships between perfectionism, forms and functions of self-criticism, and sensitivity to put-down. Personality and Individual Differences, 41, 1299–1308. Hill, R. W., Huelsman, T. J., & Araujo, G. (2010). Perfectionistic concerns suppress associations between perfectionistic strivings and positive life outcomes. Personality and Individual Differences, 48, 584–589. Stoeber, J., Harris, R. A., & Moon, P. S. (2007). Perfectionism and the experience of pride, shame, and guilt: Comparing healthy perfectionists, unhealthy perfectionists, and nonperfectionists. Personality and Individual Differences, 43, 131–141. Stoeber, J., Hutchfield, J., & Wood, K. V. (2008). Perfectionism, selfefficacy, and aspiration level: Differential effects of perfectionistic striving and self-criticism after success and failure. Personality and Individual Differences, 45, 323–327. Stoeber, J., Otto, K., Pescheck, E., Becker, C., & Stoll, O. (2007). Perfectionism and competitive anxiety in athletes: Differentiating striving for perfectionism and negative reactions to imperfection. Personality and Individual Differences, 42, 959–969. Stoeber, J., & Rennert, D. (2008). Perfectionism in school teachers. Relations with stress appraisals, coping styles, and burnout. Anxiety, Stress & Coping, 21, 37–53. Tangney, J. P., & Dearing, R. L. (2002). Shame and guilt. New York: Guilford Publications.

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Chapter 7 Abramowitz, J. S. (2006). The psychological treatment of obsessive compulsive disorder. Canadian Journal of Psychiatry, 51, 407–416. American Psychiatric Association. (2007). Practice guidelines for the treatment of patients with obsessive-compulsive disorder. Arlington, VA: American Psychiatric Association. Ericsson, K. A. (2008). Deliberate practice and acquisition of expert performance: A general overview. Academic Emergency Medicine, 15, 988–994. Hayes, S. C., Strosahl, K., & Wilson, K. G. (1999). Acceptance and commitment therapy: An experiential approach to behavior change. New York: Guilford Press. Hewitt, P. L., & Flett, G. L. (1991). Perfectionism in the self and social contexts: Conceptualization, assessment, and association with psychopathology. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 60, 456–470. Hill, A. P., Hall, H. K., & Appleton, P. R. (2010). Perfectionism and burnout in junior elite athletes: The mediating role of coping tendencies. Anxiety, Stress, & Coping, 23, 415–430. Stoeber, J., & Otto, K. (2006). Positive conceptions of perfectionism: Approaches, evidence, challenges. Personality and Social Psychology Review, 10, 295–319. Tillich, P. (1952). The courage to be. New Haven, CT: Yale University Press.

Chapter 8 Ericsson, K. A. (2008). Deliberate practice and acquisition of expert performance: A general overview. Academic Emergency Medicine, 15, 988–994. Ericsson, K. A., Nandagopal, K., & Roring, R. W. (2009). Toward a science of exceptional achievement: Attaining superior performance through deliberate practice. Annals of the New York Academy of Sciences, 1172, 199–217.

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Ericsson, K. A., Prietula, M. J., & Cokely, E. T. (2007). The making of an expert. Harvard Business Review, 85, 115–121. Frost, R. O., Marten, P., Lahart, C., & Rosenblate, R. (1990).The dimensions of perfectionism. Cognitive Therapy and Research, 14, 449–468. Hewitt, P. L., Flett, G. L., Sherry, S. B., Habke, A. M., Parkin, M., Lam, R. W., et al. (2003). The interpersonal expression of perfectionism: Perfectionistic self-presentation and psychological distress. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 84, 1303–1325. Hewitt, P. L., Habke, A. M., Lee-Baggley, D. L., Sherry, S. B., & Flett. G. L. (2008). The impact of perfectionistic self-presentation on the cognitive, affective, and physiological experience of a clinical interview. Psychiatry, 71, 93–122.

Chapter 9 Becklen, R., & Cervone, D. (1983). Selective looking and the noticing of unexpected events. Memory & Cognition, 11, 601−608. Clark, M. A., Lelchook, A. M., & Taylor, M. L. (2010). Beyond the big five: How narcissism, perfectionism, and dispositional affect relate to workaholism. Personality and Individual Differences, 48, 786–791. Helie, S., & Sun, R. (2010). Incubation, insight, and creative problem solving: A unified theory and a connectionist model. Psychological Review, 117, 994–1024. Linehan, M. M. (1993). Skills training manual for treating borderline personality disorder. New York: Guilford Press. Perlow, L. A., & Porter, J. L. (2009). Making time off predictable & required. Harvard Business Review, 87, 102–109. Sheldon, K. M., Cummins, R., & Kamble, S. (2010). Life balance and well-being: Testing a novel conceptual and measurement approach. Journal of Personality, 78, 1093–1133. Smith, S. M., & Dodds, R. A. (1999). Incubation. In M. A. Runco & S. R. Pritzker (Eds.), Encyclopedia of creativity (pp. 39–43). San Diego: Academic Press.

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Index Note: Page numbers followed by t or f refer to tables or figures, respectively. ABCF task-ranking exercise, 120–122, 123, 191, 197, 198 Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (Hayes), 114 action commitment to in making changes, 44 as stage of change, 43, 180 actual model, change theory, 49, 49f Alcoholics Anonymous (AA), 46 all-or-none attitude, 22–23, 178 “all work and no play” approach, 150–151 and/both attitude, 22 anxiety competition and, 90 as information, 49–51 perseveration vs. persistence, 63–65, 74–75, 84 values assessments and, 113–114 Aronson, Elliot, 108

attention and evaluation, 22–25, 122, 128 “bang for your buck,” 79 BCG. See Boston Consulting Group Beethoven, 9 behavioral changes. See change process, strategies for behavioral procrastination, 42. See also procrastination “best of the best”/being best focus on, 17, 27, 175 perfectionist type, 10–11 big-picture goals, 73–74, 114 Boston Consulting Group (BCG), 152 brainstorming change and, 45 personal standards and, 7 problem-solving strategies and, 96, 99–100, 135, 181 relaxing and, 155

191

Index.indd 191

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192

Index

breaks, taking compulsory time-off, 153 to enhance creativity, 151–152 to improve results, 152–153, 176 burnout avoiding, 122, 139, 143, 181 defined, 93 life goals and, 122 mistake making and, 93, 104, 175 teamwork and, 139, 181 work/life balance and, 153, 154 cabinets (teams), considering, 142–143, 176 career change, 43–45 career/job values activities based on, 163, 165 assessments of, 115, 119 celebrities, as role models, 142, 145 certainty, focus on, 10, 94–95 change, stages of action, 43, 180 contemplation, 42, 51, 180 overview, 41, 44, 178–179 pre-contemplation, 41, 180 preparation, 42–43, 180 change, theories of actual model, 49, 49f insight theory, 47, 47f linear model, 48, 48f change process, strategies for, 178–179, 180 action, commitment to, 44, 48

Index.indd 192

alternative strategies, identifying, 44–45 anxiety as information, 49–51 cues/reminders, using, 45 intentions vs. desired outcomes, 52, 57–60, 61 overview, 43–44, 52, 180–183, 181t perfectionism risk-benefit analysis, 39–40, 44 sample game plan for change, 182–183 social support for, 46–47 stepwise process, 45–46 theories of change and, 47–49, 47–49f changes, making either/or attitude and, 22, 45, 50, 136–138 overview, 40–41, 52 procrastination and, 42 resisting, 28–29, 65–67 strategies for, 43–49 wait and see approach, 10, 42 chronic contemplation, 42, 44, 51 community service values activities based on, 163, 165 assessments of, 115, 119 confidence. See self-esteem constructive criticism, response to, 26, 29, 178 constructive feedback, 133 contemplation chronic contemplation, 42, 44, 51 as stage of change, 42, 51, 180

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Index context, problem solving and, 102 controlling behavior, 7, 15, 26, 35, 36, 95, 140 control vs. power, 95 courage, idea of, 109 creativity rule following and, 175 taking breaks to enhance, 151–152 working constantly and, 151–153 criticism. See feedback; self-criticism cues/reminders, positive, 45 daily schedules, redesigning, 161–162 deadlines, meeting, 18–19, 35, 144 decide, defined, 99–100, 110 decision making alternatives to, 102t in effective problem solving, 100–102 perfectionist behavior of, 18 personal standards and, 7 self-doubt and, 10, 23–24, 51, 94 delegating, 139–140, 145, 176, 197, 198 deliberate practice “more is better” approach, 78, 82–83, 85 overview, 82–83, 91, 171, 174, 181 pay offs, ensuring, 138–139 dependability, 26, 35, 42, 102

Index.indd 193

193

depression, x, xii, 63, 96, 131 detail-oriented behavior, 5, 17, 21, 57, 60, 66, 76, 128 dieting, 89 “do it yourself ” attitude, 131, 144. See also “going it alone” approach eating disorders, xii, 147 education values, assessments of, 115, 118–119 effectiveness vs. being right, 136–138 effective problem solving, 23–24, 98–101, 100t. See also problem-solving strategies 80/20 rule, 79–80, 84–85 either/or attitude, 22, 45, 50, 136–138 emotions depression, x, xii, 63, 96, 131 life goals and, 113–115, 176 perfectionist profiles and, 20–21 “equal importance of everything” approach alternatives to, 111–113, 123 life goals and, 111–113, 123 non-working strategies of, 109–111 prioritizing and, 18 seduction of belief in, 107–109, 123 top 10 goals and, 111, 123 values assessments and, 113–120

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194

Index

“error free” projects, focus on, 174–175 eulogy writing exercise, 111–112, 115, 181 evaluation and attention, 22–25, 122, 128 “everything it its place,” 8, 19 exercises. See worksheets and exercises expectations, meeting feedback and, 27–28 perfectionist type, 7–8

flexibility, psychological context in mistake making and, 102 lack of, 65–67 “more is better” approach, 80–82 perseveration vs. persistence, 63–65, 74–75, 84 personal standards and, 16–17 “set in your ways,” 67 forms, concept of (Plato), 9 Fry, Art, 152

failure, fear of, xiii, 21, 61, 130–131. See also mistake making family relationships values activities based on, 158–159 assessments of, 115–116, 117 Federer, Roger, 103 feedback confidence and, 51 constructive criticism, 26, 29, 178, 133 expectations and, 27–28 interpersonal relationships and, 26 inviting from others, 132–135, 144–145, 176, 180 positive vs. negative feedback, 26 response to, 26-29, 68, 178 social support and, 46–47 teamwork and, 139 filing systems, 8, 17, 19–20 flaws, value of, 97, 104, 175. See also mistake making

gambling, 67 “going it alone” approach being right vs. being effective, 136–138 cabinet, considering a, 176 potential, achieving and, 127–128, 144, 176 problems of, 128–130, 144 receiving more work due to, 131–132, 176 “going it alone” approach, alternatives to cabinets (teams), considering, 142–143 daily schedules, redesigning, 161–162 deliberate practice pay offs, 138–139 feedback, inviting from others, 132–135, 144–145, 176, 180 Napoleon’s rule, 135–136, 176 relaxing, importance of, 154–161

Index.indd 194

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Index role models, using, 140–142, 145 teamwork, value of, 139–140, 176 work/life balance, 153, 154 go-to people, 6, 26 grade point average (GPA), 7 Harvard Business Review, 82, 152 Hayes, Steven, 50, 114 health values activities based on, 163, 165 assessments of, 115, 118 healthy perfectionism characteristics of, 60–62 guilt/shame feelings and, 90–91 intentions vs. desired outcomes, 52, 57–60, 61 pros vs. cons of, 33–36, 35t, 61, 173, 178–179, 179t vs. nonperfectionism, 62. See also perfectionist behavior; unhealthy vs. healthy perfectionism hobbies/leisure values activities based on, 163–164, 165 assessments of, 115, 119 relaxing and break taking, 151–161, 163–164, 165 homi-/homicide, defined, 99 ideals/“just right” experiences being right vs. being effective, 136–138

Index.indd 195

195

mistake making, fear of, 52, 68, 136 need for things to be “right,” 9, 17, 66–67, 68, 136 perfectionist type, 9 “perfect solutions,” focus on, 10, 23, 42–44, 49–51, 95, 98 incubation period, 152 inflexibility. See psychological flexibility insanity, defined, 63 insight theory, change theory, 47, 47f intentions vs. desired outcomes change process strategies for, 52, 57–60, 61 overview, 52, 57–60, 61, 68 perseveration vs. persistence, 63–65, 74–75, 84 taking on too much, 132 time wasted by unhealthy behavior, 77–80 International OCD Foundation, 5 intimate relationships, values assessments and, 115, 117–118 Jerry McGuire (film), 74 job burnout. See burnout job/career values activities based on, 163, 165 assessments of, 115, 119 job performance and satisfaction, 81 “just get it done” mentality, 76

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196

Index

“just one more minute” approach alternatives to, 151–153, 168 breaks to enhance creativity, 151–152, 168, 176 breaks to improve results, 152–153, 168, 176 overview, 149–151, 168 time and resources and, 149–150, 168 laziness, view of, 141, 144, 175 leisure/hobbies values activities based on, 163–164, 165 assessments of, 115, 119 life goals ABCF task-ranking exercise, 120–122, 123, 191, 197, 198 big-picture goals, 73–74, 114 “equal importance of everything” approach, 111–113, 123 eulogy writing exercise, 111– 112, 115, 181 focus on, 122 goal achieving exercise, 161 goals vs. actual outcomes, 16, 150–151 importance of, 16, 176 mistake making concerns and, 90–91 “more is better” approach, 77 perseveration vs. persistence, 63–65, 74–75, 84 personal standards and, 16 top 10 list and, 111, 123

Index.indd 196

values assessments and, 113–120 varied daily activities for, 176 life/work balance, 153, 154 linear model, change theory, 48, 48f “lowering the bar,” 45, 59, 61, 74, 109–110, 121, 123, 141 McLean Hospital, xi, xii meditation, 163–164, 165 MI. See motivational interviewing Microsoft, 79 mistake making downplaying/hiding, 131 either/or vs. and/both attitudes, 22, 45, 50, 136–138 fear of, xiii, 21–22, 44, 60, 61, 120, 130–131, 174 flaws, value of, 97, 104, 175 goal setting and, 90–91 guilt/shame feelings and, 90–91, 93 improved performance and, 103 non-working strategies, 92–97 personal standards and, 94 response to, 20, 24, 94 rigid rule following and, 94–95 self-criticism and, 96, 175 mistake making, alternatives to context, paying attention to, 102 improved performance by making mistakes, 103

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Index strategic experimentation vs. avoiding mistakes, 97–102, 175 mistakes, avoiding overview, 89–92, 103 Pratfall Effect, 92–93, 104, 131 work undermined by, 93–94 mistakes/flaws, absence of, perfectionist type, 6–7 “more is better” approach alternatives to, 79–83 deliberate practice and, 78, 82–83, 85 disadvantages of, 76–79, 84 goal-setting and, 77 high personal standards and, 75–76, 84 overview, 73–76, 84–85 Pareto’s Principle and, 79–80, 84 perseveration vs. persistence and, 63–65, 74–75, 84 pros and cons of, 173–174 psychological flexibility and, 80–82, 85 risk taking and, 82–83, 85 time spent on tasks and, 77–78, 84 motivation doing nice things for yourself, 155–156 harsh self-criticism and, 96 life goals and, 112–113 self-esteem and, 22–25 stress and, 21–22, 96

Index.indd 197

197

motivational interviewing (MI), 33–34 Napoleon’s rule, 135–136, 176 negative, focus on, 22, 75 “never let them see you sweat,” 128, 144. See also “going it alone” approach Nonperfectionism/ nonperfectionists as “average,” 141 defined, 61 guilt/shame feelings and, 90–91 overview, 60–62 personal standards and, 61, 121 vs. healthy perfectionism, 62 Obama, Barack, 142 Obsessive Compulsive Disorder Institute (OCDI), xii, 12, 113, 115, 172 obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD) 49, 113, 139 Olympics, 10–11, 45 order and organization detail-oriented behavior, xi, 5, 17, 21, 57, 60, 66, 76, 128 “everything it its place,” 8, 19 perfectionist behavior and, 19–20 perfectionist type, 8 Pareto,Vilfredo, 79–80 Pareto’s Principle, 79–80 people-pleasing behavior, 27

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198

Index

perfectionism, types of Bethany, 89 absolutes: knowledge, certainty, Bill, 8 and safety, 10 Bob, 73, 136–137 “best of the best”/being best, Bryan, 93 10–11 Caitlin, 9 expectations, meeting, 7–8 Chloe, 9 ideals/“just right” experiences, Christian, xii 9 Christine, 26 mistakes/flaws, absence of, 6–7 Dan, 7 order and organization, 8 Dave, 11 overview, 5–6, 12, 12t Devan, 128–129 personal standards, 7 Elizabeth, 8 self-oriented perfectionism, 122 Emma, 6 perfectionist behavior Florence, 64 attention and evaluation, 22–25 Hannah, 8 deadlines, meeting, 18–19 Jack, 93 decision making and prioritizJacob, 11 ing, 18 Jenny, 93 detail-oriented behavior, 5, 17, John, 6–7 21, 57, 60, 66, 76, 128 Jon, xii determining, 36–38 Josh, 24 domains affected by worksheet, Mark, 107–108 177–178 Max, 128 emotions and, 20–25 Phillip, 103 interpersonal relationships, Sandy, 67 26–29 Sarah, 10, 68 mistake making, response to, 20, Scott, 67 24, 94 Sophia, 7 order and organization, 19–20 Stan, 10 overview, 15–16 Steven, 66–67 personal standards, 16–17 perfectionist behavior, pros vs. pockets of perfectionism, 36, cons of 173 costs/disadvantages of, xii-xiv, perfectionist behavior, personal 77–78 examples of costs of perfectionism Allen, 43–45, 49–50 worksheet, 38

Index.indd 198

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Index deliberate practice and, 138–139 “more is better” approach, 76–79, 84, 174 overview, 33–36, 35t, 61, 173, 178–179, 179t payoffs from perfectionism worksheet, 37 personal benefits/costs analysis, 39–40t risk-benefit analysis, 39–40, 44 perfectionistic self-presentation, 130–131, 144, 176 perfectionist profiles building, 15–16 determining, 28–29, 29t emotions and, 20–21 perfectionist strategies, non-working alternatives, lack of seeing, 66 belief that strategies must work, 68 changing strategies, inflexibility in, 65–67 costs of, ignoring, 66–67 hard work/long hours, 63–65 overview, 62–63, 68 “perfect solutions,” focus on, 10, 23, 42–44, 49–51, 95, 98 perseveration defined, 63 vs. persistence, 63–65, 74–75, 84 personal needs, neglecting, 149– 150, 168 personal standards

Index.indd 199

199

decision making and, 7 “error free” projects, focus on, 174–175 guilty/shame feelings and, 90–91 life goals and, 16 lowering the bar, 45, 59, 61, 74, 109–110, 121, 123, 141, 175 mistake making and, 94 “more is better” approach, 75–76 perfectionist type, 7 psychological flexibility and, 16–17 raising the bar, 77, 82–84, 154 rigid rule following and, 16–17 self-esteem and, 7 speed over accuracy, 76. See also values, activities based on; values assessments personal strengths/weaknesses, identifying, xiv-xv, 15, 21 personal values. See values assessments Phelps, Michael, 10, 45 physical exercise activities, 156, 163, 165 physical health, 115, 118 planning processes relaxing activities exercise, 155–161, 163–164, 165 schedules, redesigning, 161–162 Plato, 9 positive, focus on, 22 positive image/thoughts exercise, 160

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200

Index

Post-It notes, 152 potential achieving, 127–128, 144, 176 protecting, 26–27 showing others, 108–109 “practice what you preach,” 171–172 pratfall, defined, 92 Pratfall Effect, 92–93, 104, 131 pre-contemplation, change and, 41, 180 preparation, change and, 42–43, 180 prioritization ABCF task-ranking exercise, 120–122, 123, 191, 197, 198 deadlines, meeting, 18–19, 35, 144 decision making and prioritizing, 12t, 18 details, getting bogged down in, 64–65, 68 values assessments and, 115 problems, identifying, xiv-xv, 100–101 problem-solving skills worksheet, 101 problem-solving strategies brainstorming, 7, 45, 96, 99–100, 135, 181 breaks, taking, 151–153 characteristics of, 98 context, paying attention to, 102 decision making, 100–102, 102t

Index.indd 200

effective problem solving, 23–24, 98–101, 100t perfectionist profiles, determining, 28–29, 29t perseveration vs. persistence, 63–65, 74–75, 84 as positive challenge, 21 self-correction/self-reassurance, 25, 96 strategic experimentation, 97–102, 175 vs. chronic worry, 23–24 vs. self-criticism, 24–25, 29 Prochaska, James, 41, 42, 44 procrastination breaks, taking and, 151–154 changes, making and, 42 chronic contemplation, 42, 44, 51 deadlines, meeting and, 18, 35 “do it yourself ” attitude, 131, 144 increased procrastination, 128–130 self-criticism and, 95–96, 98, 104, 175 self-doubt and, 10 psychological flexibility. See flexibility, psychological pure repetition, 78, 84, 174 “raising the bar,” 77, 82–84, 154 Relaxing importance of, 154–161 breaks, taking, 151–154, 176 reminders/cues, positive, 45

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Index resources. See time and resources reviewing/re-editing, constant, 60 “right,” need to be, 9, 17, 66–67, 68, 136. See also ideals/“just right” experiences risk-benefit analysis, 39–40, 44 risks, taking, 83, 85, 102 role models, using, 140–142, 145 rule following, rigid control vs. power, 95 creativity and, 175 interpersonal conflicts and, 17 mistake making and, 94–95 personal standards and, 16–17 safety, focus on, 10, 94–95 schedules break taking, importance of, 151–153, 168 redesigning, 161–162 weekly schedule grid worksheet, 166–167t weekly schedules, 161–165 weekly schedules activities worksheet, 163–164, 165 school/education, values assessments of, 115, 118–119 scientific method, 97–98. See also strategic experimentation self-care activities for, 163, 165 doing nice things for yourself, 155–156

Index.indd 201

201

personal needs, neglecting, 149–150, 168 physical exercise activities, 156, 163, 165 physical health, 115, 118. See also health values self-comparisons, 132 self-correction/self-reassurance, 25, 96 self-criticism mistake making and, 96, 175 stress and, 21–22, 96 vs. effective problem solving, 24–25, 29 self-doubt, 23–24 certainty, feelings of and, 10, 94–95 decision making and, 10, 23–24, 51, 94 making changes and, 50 overview, 23–24 procrastination and, 10 self-esteem defined, 7 doubting self and, 23–24 harsh self-criticism and, 96 importance of, xiii, xv increased self-esteem, xiii, 35–36 lowered self-esteem, 104, 135, 175 motivation and, 22–25 perfectionist emotions and, 20–21 personal standards and, 7

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202

Index

self-evaluation, 22–23, 22–25, 122, 128. See also values assessments; worksheets and exercises self-image/thoughts exercise, 160 self-oriented perfectionism, 122 self-presentation, perfectionistic, 130–131, 144, 176 self-promotion, 130 “set in your ways,” 67 smoking, 34–35, 40–41, 178 socializing activities, 163, 165 social relationships values activities based on, 158–159 assessments of, 115, 118 social support, change and, 46–47 solutions, providing, 135–136 spirituality values activities based on, 163–164, 165 assessments of, 115, 120 standards. See personal standards stepwise process, in change, 45–46 Stewart, Martha, 127 strategic experimentation, 97–102, 175 strengths, identifying, xiv-xv, 15, 21 stress and motivation, 21–22, 96 task-ranking exercise, ABCF, 120–122, 123, 191, 197, 198 tasks, prioritizing, 18, 115 teamwork burnout and, 139, 181

Index.indd 202

cabinets (teams), considering, 142–143, 176 feedback and, 139 learning from others, 140–142, 145 value of, 130–140, 176 tennis, 108 Therapies, Ian, 45 time and resources “all work and no play” approach, 150–151 “equal importance of everything” approach, 109–111, 123 “just one more minute” approach, 149–150, 168 “more is better” approach, 174 skills learned vs. time spent learning, 77–78 wasted time, 77–80 translational research, 172 tunnel vision, 63, 74, 114 20/80 rule, 79–80 unhealthy perfectionism characteristics of, 60–62 guilt/shame feelings and, 90–91 pros vs. cons of, 33–36, 35t, 61, 173, 178–179, 179t vs. nonperfectionism, 62 unhealthy vs. healthy perfectionism, examples of attention and evaluation, 22–25 deadlines, meeting, 19 decision making and prioritizing, 18, 12t

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Index emotions, 21 expectations, meeting, 26–27 feedback, response to, 26–29, 68, 178 mistake making, response to, 20, 25, 94 order and organization, 20 personal standards, 16–17 vacations forced vacations/time off, 153 skipping, 149, 165, 168, 176 working through, 94 value-driven individuals, 114 values, activities based on career/job values, 163, 165 community service values, 163, 165 family relationships values, 158–159 health values, 163, 165 hobbies/leisure values, 163– 164, 165 social relationships values, 158–159 spirituality values, 163–164, 165 values assessments career/job values, 115, 119 hobbies/leisure values, 115, 119 overview, 113–120, 175 school/education, 115, 118– 119 social relationships, 115, 118 using, 113–117 worksheets and exercises, 115, 117–129

Index.indd 203

203

worksheets for, 115, 117–129 Velicer, Wayne, 41, 42, 44 visioning meetings, 133 wabi-sabi, 97, 104, 175 wait and see approach, 10, 42 weaknesses, identifying, xiv-xv, 15 weekly schedule grid worksheet, 166–167t weekly schedules, 161–165 weekly schedules activities worksheet, 163–164, 165 work habits goals vs. actual outcomes, 150–151 go-to person, being viewed as, 6, 26 independence and autonomy, 128–132, 176 job performance and satisfaction, 81 too much work/working long hours, 149–151, 177–178. See also motivation; order and organization; prioritization; vacations work/life balance, 153, 154 worksheets and exercises ABCF task-ranking exercise, 120–122 change, sample game plan for, 182–183 costs of perfectionism worksheet, 38 domains affected by perfectionism, 177–178

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204

worksheets (continued) eulogy writing exercise, 111–112, 115, 181 goal achieving exercise, 161 life goals exercise, 112–113 payoffs from perfectionism worksheet, 37 positive image/thoughts exercise, 160 problem-solving skills, 101

Index.indd 204

Index relaxing activities exercise, 155–161 values assessments, 115, 117–129 weekly schedule activities, 163, 164–165 weekly schedule grid worksheet, 166–167t writer’s block, 64, 80–81

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