Technical Writing Student Samples and Teacher Responses

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Technical Writing: Student Samples and Teacher Responses Edited by

Sam Dragga

Association of Teachers of Technical Writing

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© 1992 Association of Teachers of Technical Writing

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Brief Contents Introduction .

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Chapter 1 The Commentary of Davida Charney and Jack Selzer

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Chapter 2 The Commentary of Debra Journet . .

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Chapter 3 The Commentary of Mary Lay . . . .

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Chapter 4 The Commentary of Sherry Burgus Little

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Chapter 5 The Commentary of David D. Roberts .

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Chapter 6 The Commentary of Carolyn Rude . .

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Chapter 7 The Commentary of Scott P. Sanders . .

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Chapter 8 The Commentary of Dorothy Winsor .

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Detailed Contents Introduction .

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Chapter 1 The Commentary of Davida Charney and Jack Selzer

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Letter of Application and Résumé . . . . Description of Assignment . . . . . Explanation of Commentary . . . . . [Student Sample with Charney's Responses] [Student Sample with Selzer's Responses] . Instructions . . . . . . . . . . . Description of Assignment . . . . . Explanation of Commentary . . . . . [Student Sample with Charney's Responses] [Student Sample with Selzer's Responses] . Proposal . . . . . . . . . . . . Description of Assignment . . . . . Explanation of Commentary . . . . . [Student Sample with Charney's Responses] [Student Sample with Selzer's Responses] . Analytical Report . . . . . . . . . Description of Assignment . . . . . Explanation of Commentary . . . . . [Student Sample with Charney's Responses] [Student Sample with Selzer's Responses] .

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13 13 15 17 25 33 33 35 37 46 55 55 56 58 61 64 64 65 67 78

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Chapter 2 The Commentary of Debra Journet . .

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Letter of Application and Résumé . . . Description of Assignment . . . . Explanation of Commentary . . . . [Student Sample with Journet's Responses] Instructions . . . . . . . . . . Description of Assignment . . . .

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Explanation of Commentary . . . . [Student Sample with Journet's Responses] Proposal . . . . . . . . . . . Description of Assignment . . . . Explanation of Commentary . . . . [Student Sample with Journet's Responses] Analytical Report . . . . . . . . Description of Assignment . . . . Explanation of Commentary . . . . [Student Sample with Journet's Responses]

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100 101 107 107 109 111 117 117 119 121

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138 138 138 140 142 142 142 144 148 148 148 150 154 154 154 156

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Letter of Application and Résumé . . . Description of Assignment . . . . Explanation of Commentary . . . . [Student Sample with Little's Responses] Instructions . . . . . . . . . .

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163 163 164 166 168

Chapter 3 The Commentary of Mary Lay . . . .

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Letter of Application and Résumé . . Description of Assignment . . . Explanation of Commentary . . . [Student Sample with Lay's Responses] Instructions . . . . . . . . . Description of Assignment . . . Explanation of Commentary . . . [Student Sample with Lay's Responses] Proposal . . . . . . . . . . Description of Assignment . . . Explanation of Commentary . . . [Student Sample with Lay's Responses] Analytical Report . . . . . . . Description of Assignment . . . Explanation of Commentary . . . [Student Sample with Lay's Responses]

Chapter 4 The Commentary of Sherry Burgus Little

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Description of Assignment . . . . Explanation of Commentary . . . . [Student Sample with Little's Responses] Proposal . . . . . . . . . . . Description of Assignment . . . . Explanation of Commentary . . . . [Student Sample with Little's Responses] Analytical Report . . . . . . . . Description of Assignment . . . . Explanation of Commentary . . . . [Student Sample with Little's Responses]

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168 168 170 173 173 174 175 185 185 188 190

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Letter of Application and Résumé . . . Description of Assignment . . . . Explanation of Commentary . . . . [Student Sample with Rude's Responses]

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Chapter 5 The Commentary of David D. Roberts .

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Letter of Application and Résumé . . . Description of Assignment . . . . Explanation of Commentary . . . . [Student Sample with Roberts' Responses] Instructions . . . . . . . . . . Description of Assignment . . . . Explanation of Commentary . . . . [Student Sample with Roberts' Responses] Proposal . . . . . . . . . . . Description of Assignment . . . . Explanation of Commentary . . . . [Student Sample with Roberts' Responses] Analytical Report . . . . . . . . Description of Assignment . . . . Explanation of Commentary . . . . [Student Sample with Roberts' Responses]

Chapter 6 The Commentary of Carolyn Rude . .

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Instructions . . . . . . . . . . Description of Assignment . . . . Explanation of Commentary . . . . [Student Sample with Rude's Responses] Proposal . . . . . . . . . . . Description of Assignment . . . . Explanation of Commentary . . . . [Student Sample with Rude's Responses] Analytical Report . . . . . . . . Description of Assignment . . . . Explanation of Commentary . . . . [Student Sample with Rude's Responses]

Chapter 7 The Commentary of Scott P. Sanders . .

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Letter of Application and Résumé . . . Description of Assignment . . . . Explanation of Commentary . . . . [Student Sample with Sanders' Responses] Instructions . . . . . . . . . . Description of Assignment . . . . Explanation of Commentary . . . . [Student Sample with Sanders' Responses] Proposal . . . . . . . . . . . Description of Assignment . . . . Explanation of Commentary . . . . [Student Sample with Sanders' Responses] Analytical Report . . . . . . . . Description of Assignment . . . . Explanation of Commentary . . . . [Student Sample with Sanders' Responses]

Chapter 8 The Commentary of Dorothy Winsor . .

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276 276 277 278 281 281 282 283 288 288 289 290 296 296 296 298

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Letter of Application and Résumé Description of Assignment . Explanation of Commentary .

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[Student Sample with Winsor's Responses] Instructions . . . . . . . . . . Description of Assignment . . . . Explanation of Commentary . . . . [Student Sample with Winsor's Responses] Proposal . . . . . . . . . . . Description of Assignment . . . . Explanation of Commentary . . . . [Student Sample with Winsor's Responses] Analytical Report . . . . . . . . Description of Assignment . . . . Explanation of Commentary . . . . [Student Sample with Winsor's Responses]

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1

Introduction

Introduction

Sam Dragga Texas Tech University

Effective techniques for responding to the technical writing of students is a subject that often has been given insufficient attention. Teachers of technical communication, for example, have ordinarily adopted the responding practices of introductory composition teachers because the typical technical communication teacher either has been or also is a teacher of introductory composition. And students have ordinarily adopted the commenting practices of their teachers because this is their only experience of commentary on writing. Research on responding to writing, similarly, has assumed that responding to proposals, instructions, or feasibilitiy studies is virtually identical to responding to essays. This book is thus designed to give the subject of responding to technical writing the attention it deserves and to give teachers and students of technical writing the guidance necessary to offer effective commentary. This book brings together nine teachers of technical communication and thirty-four of their students to display samples of the students’ writing and the commentary of their teachers responding to that writing. In doing so, this book identifies commenting practices that teachers might wish to adopt or adapt in responding to the technical writing of their students. Students working in collaborative writing and editing groups might also wish to incorporate the responding techniques displayed here. The commenting practices of the nine teachers are

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Technical Writing: Student Samples and Teacher Responses

offered neither as models of the ideal nor as indicators of the only available alternatives, but as examples of the wide variety of responding styles possible.

Scope This book includes thirty-two samples of student writing, including several composed collaboratively. The samples typify the four kinds of documents that are common writing assignments in the basic technical writing class: 1) letters of application and résumés, 2) instructions, 3) proposals, and 4) analytical reports. The teachers chose samples of good (as opposed to excellent) writing: that is, samples that allowed the teachers to identify and discuss areas of achievement and areas for improvement. The numerical or letter evaluation of the writing sample has been omitted because it is potentially distracting: the emphasis of this book is on commenting practices as opposed to evaluation techniques or grading scales. Each writing sample is displayed with the teacher’s commentary to the student, the teacher’s description of the writing assignment, and the teacher’s explanation of his or her commentary. The teacher’s commentary is thus contextualized or situated relative to a variety of possible influences: for example, the details of the assignment, the conduct of the course, the writing processes of the student, and the relationship of the teacher and the student. This information serves to identify the objectives of the teacher’s commentary, clarify specific wording and phrasing, and justify the issues that the teacher addresses or ignores.

Organization This book has eight chapters, and the opening chapter is a model of how you might effectively read the remaining seven. In Chapter One, Davida Charney and Jack Selzer of Pennsylvania State University comment individually on the same group of writing samples. The samples were composed in Charney’s technical writing class: she is responding to students that she teaches and knows. Selzer is commenting as though he were the teacher of the class. The two together discuss their individual commentaries, comparing and contrasting their responding styles. As you examine each of the eight chapters, you might wish to adopt a similar practice of considering how you would comment on each writing sample: • Which issues does the teacher address (e.g., appropriate and sufficient information, logical organization, visual design, clarity of expression, usage and diction, mechanical and grammatical accuracy)? Would you address the same issues? Would you address different issues?

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Introduction

• Which issues does the teacher ignore? Why? Would you? • Does the teacher establish a hierarchy of issues (e.g., major versus minor issues)? How does the teacher establish this hierarchy (e.g., repetition of major issues, labeling of major issues)? Would you establish a hierarchy of issues? Is the teacher’s hierarchy similar to yours? • Is the teacher’s commentary sufficient? Is it excessive? • Does the teacher edit the student’s writing? Why? Would you? Which issues does the teacher’s editing emphasize? In your editing, would you emphasize the same issues? Would you emphasize different issues? In addition, you might wish to analyze the wording of each teacher’s commentary. A potential guide to this stylistic analysis is the following glossary of seven types (Dragga, “Responding to Technical Writing,” The Technical Writing Teacher, 18 [1991]: 207-208): Compliments are locutions referring to communicative successes and using honorific words (e.g., “good,” “nice”). For example, • “Nice job.” • “You order the parts of your discussion intelligently, and you paragraph well.” • “Good drawings to orient the reader.” • “Effective use of analogy.” • “You seem to have a good sense of what to tell people in order to help them through this chore. I especially like your cautions and explanations.” • “Useful to include.” • “Good specifics. Shows a good sense of how you’ll cover the topic.” Criticisms are locutions referring to communicative failures and using pejorative words (e.g., “wrong,” “poor”). For example, • “Lacks punch & specificity.” • “You’re depending too much on the table to carry your explanation.” • “Your diagrams are placed poorly. They tend to be too small and not to illustrate the points they need to discuss.” • “No!” • “Proofing is a severe problem, as is a coherent, readable style.” • “The preceding material does not suggest that it is leading to these objectives.” • “Repetitious.” Directives are locutions exhibiting the syntactic structure characteristic of commands (i.e., [you] + present tense verb, imperative mood: e.g., “insert comma here”; or you + modal of obligation + verb: e.g., “you must . . .,” “you need to . . .,” “you ought to . . .,” “you should . . .”). For example, • “Proofread carefully.” • “Simplify sentences.”

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Technical Writing: Student Samples and Teacher Responses

• “You need to expand this section.” • “Introduce this segment.” • “Guide readers through your document by telling them how the text is organized.” • “Briefly explain the rationale behind these percentages.” • “Provide explanation & context.” Suggestions are locutions referring to likely revisions and using modals of possibility or probability (e.g., “might, “could,” “would”), quasi-commands (e.g., “try to . . . ,” “consider . . . ,”), or explicit indicators (e.g., “I suggest that . . .”). For example, • “A shorter intro paragraph might make this text more inviting to readers.” • “I recommend that you separate your three main steps into numbered substeps.” • “Consider deleting this information, especially if it will free up space to include names and addresses of references.” • “You may have to define this too.” • “Your justification for this project could be more vigorous & detailed.” • “Perhaps include a sketch.” • “Try to revise to avoid needless repetition of words & phrases.” Questions are locutions ending in a question mark, using interrogatives (i.e., who, what, which, when, where, why, how), or exhibiting the syntactic structure characteristic of questions (i.e., modal + subject + verb: e.g., “Should you explain . . .?”; or be + subject: e.g., “is this . . .?”). For example, • “Should you have a brief introduction here? Stress important things, safety, give readers confidence?” • “Will readers want to know why?” • “Meaning?” • “Clarify?” • “How will you assess the information you receive?” • “Why are these traits important?” • “Is this what your description does?” Explanations are locutions referring to in-text markings or accompanying locutions. For example, • “To give your reader confidence in you.” [with directive to be specific] • “It will make your activities so much clearer.” [with suggestion to use active voice] • “Much easier to read and understand using list.” [with directive to list information] • “There are some errors I didn’t mark.” [with directive to proofread] • “No need to repeat these words.” [with deletions] • “I tried to show you how you can communicate the same information more concisely.” [with rewritten material] • “Topic shifts.” [with suggestion to start a new paragraph]

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Introduction

Observations are all remaining locutions (i.e., locutions impossible to categorize as either compliments, criticisms, directives, suggestions, questions, or explanations). For example, • “Some readers will find this sexist language to be objectionable.” • “A term I’m not familiar with.” • “Normally, page numbers for front matter would appear at the bottom of the page, centered.” • “These interviews, of course, will be very important.” • “If I was ‘funding’ this study, I’d want more assurance that you could succeed.” • “Sounds ambitious!” • “This sounds like a project justification section.”

This listing of types of commentary offers you a terminology with which to assess the characteristics of each teacher’s responding style and the similarities to yours. You might, for example, wish to address the following questions: • In each teacher’s commentary, which types of comments occur most often? Which occur least often? Is this responding practice consistent across all four writing samples? If variations occur, why? Which types of comments do you most often and least often use? Why? • How many of the seven types of comments does each teacher employ? Is this responding practice consistent across all four writing samples? If variations occur, why? How many of the seven types of comments do you employ? Why? • Does each teacher use specific types of comments to address specific types of issues (e.g., directives on grammatical and mechanical issues, suggestions on diction and usage issues)? Does your commentary display a similar correspondence? • Does each teacher use specific types of comments to reinforce a hierarchy of issues (e.g., directives for major issues, suggestions for minor issues)? Do you? You might notice, for example, that Davida Charney offers a lot of commentary of all seven types. She is generous with questions, criticisms, and directives, but compliments dominate, especially on the letter of application and résumé assignment. On this assignment, for example, she offers generalized compliments (e.g., “Good!”); however, she is ordinarily specific, identifying which passages she likes and explaining why: for example, “These sentences serve well as a preview to the rest of the letter!” or “These details really support your claim to management ability and responsibility.” On all assignments, she also does substantial editing of the student’s writing, usually inserting and deleting words. This abundance of commentary gives students the unambiguous impression of a comprehensive analysis of their writing. Jack Selzer also offers a lot of commentary: in fact, none of the nine teachers here offers more. He asks questions twice as often as he gives compli-

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Technical Writing: Student Samples and Teacher Responses

ments, and he offers suggestions only twice, preferring to use questions to propose possible revisions as well as to inquire. On the instructions assignment, for example, he asks “Would a brief intro/overview be useful?” and “Should this be sentence #2?” and “Wouldn’t a title & caption make this more self-sufficient?” Selzer also uses questions to engage students in the process of responding to their writing. On the instructions assignment, for example, he asks the student to use the comments given on a previous passage or illustration to anticipate comments that he might offer on a similar passage or illustration: “Now: Can you revise this page based on my comments on your other pages? (What do you think I’d advise, if I had more time?)” and “What do you think I'd suggest for this figure, based on my other comments?” In addition, Selzer typically does a lot of editing (e.g., inserting and deleting words, correcting capitalization, eliminating commas). On the proposal assignment, however, he perceives sentence structure is the critical issue; as a consequence he virtually ignores the mechanical and grammatical errors and encourages the student to consider a tutoring session: “Your sentences show real progress. Good! But they aren’t there yet. Can you go over this with your tutor, sentence by sentence?” Debra Journet of the University of Louisville offers a lot of commentary distributed fairly equally across six of the seven types (i.e., observations have a lower frequency of occurrence). She types her commentary on a separate page, numbering specific issues on the student’s writing sample and on the corresponding page of commentary. With Journet’s commentary thus compiled on a single page, as opposed to written across the margins of several pages, the student is given a sense of the cohesivenesss of the commentary as well as quick access to the totality of Journet’s opinion of his or her writing. In keeping with this responding practice, Journet also does little editing of the student’s writing. And the editing that she does is often illustrative of corresponding commentary. On the proposal assignment, for example, she addresses the issue of wordiness: “Some of the sentences in this paragraph are a little “wordy” (w). (Remember our discussions of sentence structure?) I’ve edited two sentences for conciseness. Can you think of ways to make other sentences more economical and direct?” Mary Lay of the University of Minnesota offers commentary of all seven types, though never all seven on a single assignment: for example, she offers no suggestions or explanations on the letter of application and résumé assignment, no suggestions or observations on the instructions, no observations on the proposal, and no explanations or observations on the analytical report. Questions, directives, and compliments characterize Lay’s commentary. On the letter of application and résumé and on the proposal, for example, questions dominate; directives lead the commentary on the instructions assignment; and compliments prevail on the analytical report. As opposed to a comprehensive commentary addressing all possible issues, Lay’s commentary is selective. She chooses several issues on which to focus the student’s attention. On the proposal assignment, for example, Lay’s commentary covers the

Introduction

precision and emphasis of specific wording, the logic of the organization, the quality of the visual display, and a couple of minor mechanical issues. In the following sentence, she edits only the unnecessary hyphenation of speciallydesigned: “Before each of the four employees begins trying the two speciallydesigned chairs, I will ask him or her to write down his or her feelings and observations regarding the comfort of his or her current office chair.” Lay might have offered this student a suggestion to switch to the plural and thus avoid the unwieldy repetition of “him or her . . . his or her . . . his or her” within a single sentence. She might have been satisfied, however, that the student was trying to avoid sexist language. Or she might have decided that identifying the infelicity of this sentence would diminish a previous compliment regarding the clarity of the writer’s style. Because of this focused responding practice, Lay’s commentary is relatively brief and she does little editing of the student’s writing. Sherry Burgus Little of San Diego State University also offers brief commentary and does a minimum of editing. Little’s commentary is of all seven types, but suggestions and explanations are infrequent. With the exception of the commentary on the analytical report, compliments and questions prevail. On the analytical report assignment, Little adopts a critical perspective, identifying errors to repair and giving directives to improve the writing. She balances this orientation through compliments and through a series of observations regarding how she would revise the writing: for example, “I’d hyphenate these” or “I would rewrite this sentence to make your definition more direct (I’d eliminate the passive voice too).” Such observations characterize Little’s commentary on all four writing samples. And through such observations, she allows students to accept or reject the writing and editing choices of their teacher, thus inviting students to perceive the responding process as a genuine collaboration of student and teacher, writer and editor. David Roberts of Iowa State University, similarly, offers brief and focused commentary of all seven types. On all four of his writing samples, questions occur most often, with compliments finishing either second or third. Directives and observations occur only once or twice on each assignment. Roberts’ typical responding practice is to do a minimum of editing, offer a variety of marginal notations, and type additional commentary on a separate page. Ordinarily, questions occur as marginal notations. The typed commentary always opens with a series of compliments and proceeds to clarifications and elaborations of the marginal commentary: for example, on the instructions assignment, Roberts explains “I questioned the ‘soft-bristled brush’ only because some readers might need to know how soft. We have to assume they wouldn’t use an industrial-strength cleaning brush on the baby, but a slightly more specific description would anticipate possible questions.” Roberts’ commentary is thus principally designed to encourage through compliments and to stimulate through questions. Carolyn Rude of Texas Tech University offers commentary of all seven types, though observations occur on only two of the assignments. On the letter

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Technical Writing: Student Samples and Teacher Responses

of application and résumé assignment, directives dominate the commentary; on the proposal and the instructions, compliments prevail; and on the analytical report, directives and questions display equal frequency. Rude offers the majority of commentary on a separate typed page, often numbering issues on the student’s writing sample and on the corresponding typed page of commentary. The typed commentary is typically directives, compliments, and suggestions. The marginal commentary she writes is ordinarily designed to explicate editing symbols (using directives and explanations) or to solicit additional and specific information (using questions). On the letter of application and résumé and on the analytical report (i.e., the assignments on which directives occur most often), she does substantial editing, usually deleting and inserting words. On the instructions and proposal (i.e., assignments on which directives occur least often), she does a minimum of editing: Rude’s responding style is thus tailored to the pedagogical objectives of the writing assignment as well as the individual writing practices of the students: as necessary, she is a supervisor of new technical writers, giving directions to improve their writing, or she is a supportive coach, offering suggestions and creating opportunities for writers to develop their abilities. Scott Sanders of the Univeristy of New Mexico also does the heaviest editing on the assignments that show the highest frequency of directives: the letter of application and résumé and the analytical report. He offers all seven types of commentary, though never on a single assignment. On the letter of application and résumé, he offers no criticisms or observations; on the instructions, no suggestions or explanations; on the proposal, no explanations; and on the analytical report, no criticisms, suggestions, or observations. The majority of his commentary is compliments, questions, and directives. His typical responding practice is to offer a minimum of commentary. On the proposal, for example, though unnecessary passive voice is pervasive, he cites only a single egregious occurrence and ignores the inoffensive remainder. Choosing this single occurrence serves to address the subject of passive voice without intimidating the student or exaggerating the importance of the issue. Dorothy Winsor of the GMI Engineering & Management Institute also adopts a focused responding style, offering a minimum of commentary. She uses only six of the seven types of commentary: she is the only teacher of the nine who never asks questions. In addition, she never uses all six types of commentary on a single assignment: on the letter of application and résumé and on the instructions, she offers no criticisms or explanations; on the proposal, no suggestions or observations; and on the analytical report, no directives or suggestions. With the exception of the instructions, she does little editing of the student’s writing. The majority of Winsor’s commentary is compliments and directives, efficiently identifying that which is effective and how to repair that which is ineffective. Together, the nine teachers of technical communication compose a picture of genuine diversity. Their responding practices differ widely, from comprehensive commentary and substantial editing to selective commentary

Introduction

and minimal editing, from a majority of questions to a multitude of directives, from marginal notations to typewritten explications. The responding practices of the nine teachers, however, also display similarities. For example, all exhibit a verbal bias, offering little commentary on tables and figures relative to the considerable attention given to words, sentences, and paragraphs. This emphasis is the likely consequence of their training and experience as writing teachers as well as the absence of a satisfactory vocabulary with which to discuss the rhetorical issues of visual design. The field of technical communication is only beginning to acknowledge and address this deficiency. Ideally, your analysis of the similarities and differences among the nine teachers here will help you to improve your responding practices. You will observe the advantages and disadvantages of commenting a lot or a little, of editing a lot or a little. You will see how to verbalize comments on specific issues of technical communication and how to integrate commentary and classroom instruction. And you will develop a heightened awareness of your commenting style so that your responding choices are more deliberate, systematic, and effective.

Preparation of the Book Because writing samples with handwritten commentary usually prove of limited or inconsistent legibility, I designed new, legible versions of all the writing samples, using disk versions of the originals if available. If disk versions were unavailable, I typed the verbal materials using a word processing program and choosing a design of type identical or similar to the type of the original. I duplicated the tables and figures using either a computerized drawing program or a computerized scanning device. I integrated the verbal and visual components of each writing sample using a page design program. And I inserted the handwritten commentary of the teachers using a type design that imitates handwriting. I believe the considerable gain in legibility and usability of the resulting samples is adequate compensation for the loss of verisimilitude.

Acknowledgments In soliciting contributors to this book, I sought a geographical distribution of experienced technical writing teachers. The nine who answered the call agreed readily to participate, recognizing the importance of this project in a neglected area of technical communication research. All, I imagine, nevertheless approached their contribution with considerable trepidation, chiefly because participation required their putting on public display, for all their colleagues to observe and judge, that which is ordinarily a private issue involving only a teacher and his or her students. This exhibition of their responding

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Technical Writing: Student Samples and Teacher Responses

practices is a significant contribution to the field and their professional courage and generosity deserve the gratitude of their colleagues. The following students also deserve genuine appreciation for permitting display of their writing samples with all of the positive and negative characteristics identified, labeled, and discussed: Joseph Auteri, David Brennick, Carmen Britto, Chris Brua, Robin Clark, Brent Culver, Rena Cunard, David Daywalt, Derick Deleo, Sarah C. Everist, Calvin Glenn, Eric Gonzales, Brian Hall, Leslie Hansen, Patricia Harms, Lyle Johnson, Melody Kilcrease, John Laird, Tamara K. Locke, Steven Mahnich, Amy K. Matsumoto, Enrico Mutone, Neal M. Nelson, Margaret A. O’Neil, Jeff Pitzen, Faith Puffer, Mark Roberson, Lillian Roberts, Mourad Slaoui, Jeffrey Skinner, Mary Jo Skodzinsky, Rena L. Thompson, Joshua Vorheis, and Doris R. Watts.

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Davida Charney and Jack Selzer, Pennsylvania State University

Chapter 1

The Commentary of Davida Charney and Jack Selzer Pennsylvania State University Davida Charney teaches technical and business writing as well as graduate seminars in research methods and the rhetoric of science. She is the editor of the “Recent Research” column in Technical Communication. She has published on the evaluation of writing and the design of functional texts, such as computer-user manuals and résumés. With co-author Lynne Reder, she received the 1989 National Council of Teachers of English award for Best Formal Research Article in Scientific or Technical Communication. Her articles have appeared in The Journal of Business and Technical Communication, Research in the Teaching of English, Human-Computer Interaction, and several collections. She is the co-editor, with Marie Secor, of Constructing Rhetorical Education, published by the Southern Illinois University Press in 1992. Jack Selzer teaches graduate and undergraduate courses in composition and rhetoric, scientific and technical writing, and belletristic literature. A cofounder of the Penn State Conference on Rhetoric and Composition and currently Director of Composition Programs, he has written on everything from The Wanderer and Piers Plowman to William Faulkner and Willa Cather. His anthology Conversations (a reader for composition courses) was published by Macmillan in 1991. Currently, he is editing a collection of essays that demonstrate a variety of methods for doing rhetorical analysis of scientific texts. From 1990 to 1992, he served as president of the Association of Teachers of Technical Writing.

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Technical Writing: Student Samples and Teacher Responses

Introduction A few words are in order before we discuss our responses to this set of student papers. Unlike the other contributors to this book, we present here not one but two commentaries on each of the four papers. Why? We wanted to demonstrate that there is a range of possible and useful commentaries that teachers can offer; instead of presenting “model” responses, we want to suggest that the ideal of a “model” or “ideal” commentary is inappropriate. Just as student papers are varied responses to particular rhetorical situations, just as there are excellent different responses to any assignment, so too teachers’ commentaries are inevitably—and properly—various. Comments on student papers are not impersonal and coldly objective evaluations of student work; rather, they are situated, rhetorical acts—attempts on the part of different teachers to teach different things to different kinds of students, in response to assignments with different goals. It is of course true that teachers should work hard to agree as far as possible on the relative merits and weaknesses of student writing; and it is true that some comments on student work are more productive than others. But it is also true that a wide range of appropriate commentary is appropriate, given the dynamics of various students and pedagogical circumstances. Consequently, we offer here two sets of commentaries on the same student papers. On the one hand, we are quite comfortable offering these commentaries because we have collaborated for some time in devising a curriculum and writing assignments for our technical writing course for juniors and seniors majoring in science and engineering at Penn State. The writing assignments are indeed ones that we both use. (See Selzer, “Critical Inquiry in Technical Writing” in The Writing Teacher As Researcher, ed. Donald Daiker and Max Morenberg [New York: Heinemann, 1990], pp. 188-218.) On the other hand, we are somewhat uncomfortable in offering them because the students in fact wrote their papers for only one of us (Davida Charney), and because there are some small differences in what we cover in our courses—differences that show up in the comments. Jack Selzer’s comments are somewhat artificial in that he never taught the students involved; he “made believe” that he was responding to these students as his own, within the constraints of his own course, and used the occasion to think more “philosophically” about what might constitute appropriate commentary. Davida Charney’s comments are somewhat more naturalistic: they illustrate what one teacher actually did in response to real student writing. On each of the following four assignments, Davida Charney's commentary is first and Jack Selzer's is second. Together, we hope, our comments illustrate—and to some extent problematize—the range of responses to student writers and writing that is possible in a technical writing course.

Davida Charney and Jack Selzer, Pennsylvania State University

Letter of Application and Résumé Description of Assignment For the letter of application and résumé assignment, we give students the following materials: Job Application Package Most people obtain jobs through a multi-stage process. First, you research the types of jobs you are qualified for and the types of employer you would like to work for. Second, you try to convince specific employers to consider you for a job. These days, most employers have too many applicants per job to interview each one personally. These employers sort through job application packages (résumés and cover letters) to decide which applicants to consider further. So your first communication with your future employer is likely to be in writing and must persuade him or her to continue the conversation. For this assignment, you will write: • Two cover letters addressed to different prospective employers and that apply for two different types of jobs. The letters should highlight different aspects of your experience relevant to the different jobs. • Two résumés that differ significantly in content or in layout or both. The choices of content and layout should emphasize appropriate experience for each job. • A cover memo addressed to me that overviews the two jobs, reviews what you know about these particular employers, and describes how you have adapted your letter and résumé to each situation. I expect you to make good use of the information in this memo in the arguments you present in your cover letters to the employers. Memo Write a brief memo (3 pages, double-spaced), addressed to me. For each of the two jobs, the memo must contain a separate job description and audience analysis. It must also include an overall rhetorical analysis, highlighting how you adapted your résumés and cover letters to the different jobs. Since the memo will be of use to you in designing the rest of your package, you probably should work on it early. Job description. You may base your job description on job listings that you find in a professional or trade journal or other resources at the Career Development and Placement Services (CDPS) office (Boucke 408). If you can’t find a suitable job listing, you may write a hypothetical job description. The

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Technical Writing: Student Samples and Teacher Responses

jobs should be different enough that you will have to emphasize different parts of your experience to qualify for the positions. Audience analysis. Investigate the particular company you are applying to. You may obtain information on many companies from the library or from the CDPS. You may also contact the personnel office of the company directly. Then write one or two paragraphs that specify any special qualities or experience that this company may be looking for in its employees. For example, suppose you are applying for a job as a chemical engineer. A small company may be looking for an engineer who can work on a variety of projects, while another may be looking specifically for someone with experience with polymers. This is also the place to describe anything you know about the particular person you are writing to. Note: I expect you to make extensive use of this information in your cover letter. It should also have a big impact on the organization and choice of details in your résumé. Rhetorical analysis. Describe how you have adapted each résumé and cover letter for its particular type of job, company and reader and why you made those changes. Normally, your reasons will be closely related to the information in the job description and audience analysis. Résumé The purpose of the résumé is to describe your qualifications for a specific type of job. Since this assignment requires you to apply for two different types of jobs, you will create two résumés. The résumés will overlap somewhat, but must noticeably differ in the order of presentation, content, emphasis and so on. Content. Your résumé should include contact information and relevant details of your educational training, professional training, special accomplishments, and skills. A résumé is not a life history. The goal is to argue that you are qualified for a particular type of job and that you would be a capable, responsible employee who communicates effectively. Format. Your format may be traditional or innovative as long as the information is highly accessible and is organized in a way that highlights the most important items (from the employer’s perspective). We will look at alternative formats in class. Stick to one page. Style. Your style should be fairly formal. You need not use complete sentences, but you should use a concise, active style. Cover Letter Purpose. While your résumé is addressed at any employer with a certain type of job opening, the cover letter is most effective when tailored to a particular employer. The purpose of the cover letter is to persuade that employer to grant you an interview. Just as you appreciate being treated as an

Davida Charney and Jack Selzer, Pennsylvania State University

individual rather than as a statistic, so does an employer. Are you applying hit-or-miss to every company in the country? Or have you invested some effort into finding a company that you are well suited for? Content and Organization. The opening of your letter should establish why you are writing to your reader. Be explicit about the fact that you are looking for a particular kind of job and explain why you would like a job at that particular company. Preview the body of the letter by stating your major qualifications for the job. The body of the letter develops each qualification with specific evidence. The goal is to show the reader both that you know what that specific company needs and that you have what it takes. You may organize this section in various ways: around your training and experience, around what the job or the company requires, or some other way. The letter should close by inviting a response. Style. These letters are difficult to write because they aim at somewhat conflicting goals. On the one hand, you want to make a good first impression. So you want to sound polite and fairly formal. On the other hand, you want to stand out from the crowd—otherwise, why should the employer hire you rather than any of the other applicants? The best policy is probably to talk to your reader as directly and naturally as possible. Avoid hype. Format. Use a conventional business letter format. Be brief: stick to one page. Standard for Correctness Employers impose a strict standard of correctness on application materials: errors are the equivalent of a bad spot on your shirt. Accordingly, I will mark this assignment on a stricter scale than usual: If any letter or résumé contains more than two typographical or grammatical errors, the entire package will be docked one letter grade.

Explanation of Commentary In this assignment, we are concerned less with producing excellent résumés and letters than with using the occasion to teach students some general writing principles. Making this assignment early in the course allows us to emphasize that writing is not simply a matter of following a “recipe” for a certain form but is a response to a particular rhetorical exigency; each rhetorical situation is different and documents should take into account those differences. We also want students to begin thinking of their writing as broadly persuasive, rather than as descriptive or expository. Hence, we ask students to apply for two jobs, not one; to adapt their résumés and letters appropriately for each one; and to reflect on their choices, on the differences in their documents, in a cover memo addressed to us.

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Technical Writing: Student Samples and Teacher Responses

Our comments to students reflect these ulterior pedagogical motives. We offer observations about our students’ success in conceiving of their task rhetorically and sometimes ask questions designed to foreground further the central notion of “choice.” Enrico Mutone does a good job of integrating his research into the two job opportunities into his documents—it’s unusual to see such sensible and substantive adaptations in the two résumés (rather than just in the letters)—and he does an adequate job explaining those differences in his cover memo. Consequently, many of our comments are positive, intended to reinforce the student’s mastery of the principles of writing that the assignment was designed to elicit. And some of the comments are designed to create a good, personal working relationship with the student. Especially early in the course, it seems wise to make comments that attempt to establish an atmosphere of trust that will pay off over the long haul. Having claimed that our assignments are subordinate to larger pedagogical goals, we must also confess that we are interested as well in helping students to produce good résumés and cover letters. Many of our comments (prompts such as “I’d like to hear more,” and various direct questions) encourage the student to reconsider certain choices in the interest of producing more successful finished products. In that sense our goal is to motivate revision— and in so doing, to help students to see revision itself not as punishment but as a natural and normal part of the composing process. Finally, we do some things differently. One of us comments directly on expression, while the other promises to take up expression at a later date. One of us comments on all parts of the assignment, while the other offers heavier commentary on one letter and résumé, and (because there is a limit to the amount of time one can spend marking a paper) leaves the student to revise the other on his own. And we sometimes even offer conflicting advice about minor details, in keeping with our own intuitions and interests. Charney is particularly conscious of style, mechanics, and elaboration, having researched their effect in résumés (“The Role of Writing Quality in Effective Student Résumés,” Journal of Business and Technical Communication 3.1 [1989]: 36-53; and “How Writing Quality Influences Readers' Judgments of Résumés in Business and Engineering,” Journal of Business and Technical Communication 6.1 [1992]: 38-74). We see our differences as subordinate to our agreements: to use the occasion to address general writing principles, to build a personal relationship with the student, to prompt revision, and to ensure that the student can create a good résumé and cover letter.

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Davida Charney and Jack Selzer, Pennsylvania State University

TO:

Davida Charney

FROM:

S. Enrico Mutone

DATE:

February 4, 1990

SUBJECT:

Job Application Package

The purpose of this memo is to familiarize you with the types

of

I love these jobs that I am applying for. This memo contains a job description for each purpose statements! job, an audience analysis that details the differences between And a preview too!

the two companies that I am applying to, and a rhetorical analysis that explains how I have adapted each resume and cover letter to each situation.

Job Description: for

The first summer internship that I am applying for is that of

an

where?

entry level Methods Lab Engineer. In this case, such a job requires a B.S. degree (or for summer students, Junior-Senior level coursework) in Industrial Engineering and a strong knowledge of manufacturing machinery the

and tools used in a production process. A Methods Lab Engineer

I would have simulates and studies actual production procedures in a controlled found it helpful to have this environment (a Methods Lab) so that the layout of the workplace or the definition early in the method itself may be improved to facilitate more efficient use of time paragraph.

and space.

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Technical Writing: Student Samples and Teacher Responses

Job Description: The second internship that I am applying for is foran

industrial where?

engineer involved in economic analysis of new equipment and machinery. This type of job does not require a degree in engineering, but, a degree is helpful in understanding the effects that changes in production equipment may cause. The basic purpose of such economic analyses is to decide if new, faster equipment will justify its cost in savings later on.

Again–this would be more helpful earlier since it's background information.

Audience Analysis: The engineers employed by the General Motors corporation are usually chosen and placed for various jobs according to their degree, or “specialty”. As a matter of fact, it is very common within the organization to have an “expert” on practically any major area. The I'm a bit reason for this is because it is common policy to keep engineers unclear on in which the working in the area that they have the highest level of knowledge. relationship between Consequently, GM looks for engineers with a good solid foundation of GM & Delco. knowledge of a particular field on which to further expand and build. Say more about what Because I have 2 previous summers' worth of experience at General you learned there on Motors, I have a very high degree of familiarity with the audience. the job about what they need.

Audience Analysis:

This phrase doesn't add much info.

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Davida Charney and Jack Selzer, Pennsylvania State University

The engineers that the Exxon corporation employs usually have their first assignment in the field of their degree. However, as the engineer begins to progress further into the employment structure, he is most commonly working in areas that are often unrelated to Are they all engineering at all. Upon speaking to a recruiter from Exxon, I was While men?

informed that engineers are moved to areas such as marketing, sales,

and advertising without much regard for their engineering degree. Consequently, Exxon looks for engineers with involvement and versatility so that they can easily adapt to the different

working assignments

that they may be involved with during their term of employment. Although I interviewed with the Exxon representative about a year ago, there is little familiarity in our acquaintance.

Rhetorical Analysis: In tailoring my resumes and cover letters to these two different job types and companies, I had to make several

adjustments. In the

resume prepared for Exxon, the Experience section emphasizes job titles to illustrate a diverse exposure to several engineering disciplines. In both the resume and the cover letter, parts of previous work Good!

experience (such as cost job objective are

justification) that are related to the stated

This is a good piece of info to work with!

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Technical Writing: Student Samples and Teacher Responses

Why do you switch to emphasized. Details concerning activities and honors are provided passive here? to emphasize interactive skills and versatility, and also to demonstrate (And Good! below!) effective leadership potential that is necessary for a managerial

position in cost justification.

In the resume sent to General Motors, the Education section is broadened to include a listing of relevant coursework that the company would probably be interested in. Such elaboration is given to show a certain level of “expertise” in manufacturing aspects of engineering. The previous work experience that is most relevant to my stated job objective is stated first to show this as well. Also, the Experience section emphasizes the fact that I have had previous experience with General Motors by highlighting the company rather than the job title.

I'd like The cover letter shows how my previous affiliation with to hear more Delco familiarized me with general company operation, as well as about your choices how my previous work experience gave me Methods Lab exposure. here. Good strategy.

Because I know the contact person well, the tone in this letter is more relaxed and personal, as opposed to the more formal tone used in the letter to the Exxon representative. Good analysis! The two jobs do seem to be different enough and you seem to have a good plan, though the rhetorical analysis was a bit sketchy.

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Davida Charney and Jack Selzer, Pennsylvania State University

255 E. Beaver Ave. #903 State College, Pa. 16801 February 10, 1990 Kathryn B. Carrithers Supervisor of Human Resource Management Administration B Delco Electronics Flint, Michigan 48556

Why not add your phone number? Make yourself easy to contact.

Dear Kathy: Great–you sound like As you know, I worked in department 20-22 last summer. At this point, I am a real completing my junior year in Industrial Engineering at Penn State and I am very interested insider while in returning to Delco Electronics for another summer. After talking with Kai Weaver, I have still learned that a summer position in the Methods Lab of department 20-17 will be available in These May. I believe that my previous experience with Delco provided me with a solid knowledgesentences setting up the of the DE system that would prove to be very helpful with a job in the Delco Division. Also, serve con- I think that my coursework dealing with work process simulation would be an asset to the well as text. 20-17 Methods Lab. a preview Draw the candidate to the conclusion – My knowledge of the DE system and its operation make me a well suited of for a position in manufacturing process simulation with Delco. During my previous summer’s rest so the you'll employment in the Industrial Engineering group at Delco, one aspect of my project dealt with letter! be the creation of a packaging process for the 3550 instrument cluster service pack. This able assignment required me to be in contact with a wide range of people in different areas of These to Delco and consequently, I met most of the supervisors in the Methods Lab area and became s start shift familiar with the structure of the Delco organization as a whole. up into quickly, In addition, I acquired technical background in work process simulation during this more a etc. past year of school. In a Work Methods Measurement class, I studied and evaluated the formal processes involved in the handling and distribution of Penn State campus mail. Several of tone. Is the recommendations and suggestions I made concerning improvements are currently beingthere a Again –implemented at this facility to improve the efficiency of the process and to reduce overall way to loosen relate handling time. up this to without I would like to meet with you to talk about the possibility of another summer with sacrificing their needs. DE. Please refer to my resume for additional information concerning my backgrounddetail?

and qualifications. I look forward to hearing from you. Sincerely,

This letter is set up well in a claim-support structure. The claims are all about your qualifications, so be sure to explicitly relate them back to Delco's needs. Your tone at the beginning is great! See if you can carry it throughout the letter.

S. Enrico Mutone

This seems tentative.

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Technical Writing: Student Samples and Teacher Responses

S. ENRICO MUTONE Permanent Address 379 Toura Drive Pittsburgh, Pa. 15236 (412) 653-5219

School Address 255 E. Beaver Ave. #903 State College, Pa. 16801 (412) 867-1674

This is too specific– aim for a 17 with emphasis on instrument cluster manufacturing process simulation. type of job, not The Pennsylvania State University University Park, PA B.S. a specific openwith honors in Industrial Engineering (Expected: Dec. 1991) ing. Grade Point Average: 3.38/4.00

J O B O B J E C T I V E : Seeking a summer internship as a Industrial Engineer in department 20Can you break up this big noun clusEDUCATION: ter?

RELEVANT COURSEWORK -Operations Research -Tool Design -Manufacturing Process Engineering -Materials Engineering -Probability and Statistics -Engineering Economy -Work Methods Measurement -Engineering Design

EXPERIENCE:

Good choice of details, nice parallel arrangement!

ACTIVITIES AND HONORS This is a real clincher for this job – and you've got it right up front. Interesting choice of order – can you explain your thinking in your memo?

G e n e r a l M o t o r ss—Delco Electronics division — Flint, Michigan • Industrial Engineer • Responsible for development of a new layout and process flow for service packaging facility in the display panel assembly plant. • Initiated a simulation in the methods lab of packaging processes. Developed improved packaging methods from the simulations. • May-Aug 1989 G e n e r a l M o t o r ss—AC Spark Plug Division — Flint, Michigan • Ceramic Materials Engineer • Evaluated properties of different ceramic powder compositions and designed a method for testing the impact strength of ceramic spark plug insulator bodies. • May-Aug 1988 General Motors Scholars Program -Awarded an annual full tuition scholarship and work internship at a sponsoring GM division. Institute of Industrial Engineers - President (Penn State Chapter)-1990 - Junior Class Representative (Penn State Chapter)-1989 Phi Kappa Tau Fraternity - Scholarship Chairman-1990 Project WISE (Workplace Integration Skills for Engineers) - Participated in university sponsored workshops involving a total of 50 hours of training in the following areas: leadership skills, conflict management strategy, and active listening techniques.-1990

This looks good!

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Davida Charney and Jack Selzer, Pennsylvania State University

255 E. Beaver Ave. #903 State College, Pa. 16801 February 10, 1990 John H. Hollenbach Campus Recruiter Exxon Corporation Baton Rouge, LA 76512 Dear Mr. Hollenbach:

Do you want to say what happened in between – that you spent the summer working for Delco?

I am currently a Junior majoring in Industrial Engineering at Penn State. You may remember that I interviewed with you on campus last February for a summer internship at the Exxon facility in Houston. I attended the reception that was recently held by Exxon on February 7 at Penn State and learned of some opportunities existing within the Engineering departments. I became particularly interested in the recent automation of the pump valve controls in the Baton Rouge oil refinery and would like to be considered for a summer position involving cost say why? justification and analysis of new equipment for this plant. I believe that my coursework and previous work experience in cost justification make me a well suited candidate for a position in pump valve control automation at the Baton Rouge facility. In my previous summer of employment at General Motors, part of my job responsibility was to determine the feasibility of purchasing new, automated equipment for the service packaging operation. This involved gathering accurate data, determining realistic future production conditions and requirements, and calculating the annual cost of different alternatives. In addition, I completed and presented an economic analysis of a manual welding system vs. an automated welding system for an Engineering Economy class.

so? Draw The last time we spoke you informed me of Exxon’s belief in a versatile, These would the adaptable engineering staff.conversation, I believe my possession of these qualities would make pack more In our last me a valuable asset for Exxon. As president of the Penn State chapter of the conclusion. punch Institute of Industrial Engineers, I have a head start in developing strong leadership if you skills and interactive abilities. My involvement with a fraternity and participation changed in University sponsored Conflict Management workshops have also enabled me to these to develop good personal skills that are necessary for effective interaction in a work active verbs. environment. I am available to meet with you at your convenience to further discuss any details concerning possible employment with Exxon. Please refer to the enclosed resume for more information concerning my qualifications. I look forward to hearing from you. This is a stronger Sincerely, request than in the If this is about other letter. your versatility, shouldn't S. Enrico Mutone you say something about your different engineering jobs? This is the best paragraph for explicitly connecting what you've got to what they need. Another good letter!

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Technical Writing: Student Samples and Teacher Responses

S. ENRICO MUTONE Permanent Address 379 Toura Drive Pittsburgh, Pa. 15236 (412) 653-5219

OBJECTIVE:

EDUCATION:

School Address 255 E. Beaver Ave. #903 State College, Pa. 16801 (412) 867-1674

Seeking a summer internship as a Industrial Engineer with focus on cost justification and analysis of new manufacturing equipment for the Baton Again – Rouge oil refinery too specific. The Pennsylvania State University University Park, PA B.S. with honors in Industrial Engineering (Expected: Dec. 1991) Grade Point Average: 3.32/4.00

EXPERIENCE:

Industrial Engineer • General Motors—Delco Electronics division — Flint, Michigan • Analyzed the feasibility of purchasing new, more efficient equipment for the service packaging facility in the display panel assembly plant. Responsible for developing a new layout and process flow for I like the this facility. switch in emphasis • Initiated a simulation in the methods lab of packaging procedures. to the job titles. Developed improved packaging methods from the simulations. • May-Aug 1989 Nice selection of details for Ceramic Materials Engineer this job. • General Motors—AC Spark Plug Division — Flint, Michigan • Evaluated properties of different ceramic powder compositions and designed a method for testing the impact strength of ceramic spark plug insulator bodies. Here's an• May-Aug 1988 other monster noun cluster. ACTIVITIES General Motors Scholars Program AND HONORS -Awarded an annual work internship at a sponsoring GM division. Institute of Industrial Engineers - President (Penn State Chapter)-1990 These details really- Coordinated seven officers and ran general chapter meetings. - Junior Class Representative (Penn State Chapter)-1989 support your claim - Created and maintained a database listing of active members and toorganized management a monthly newsletter ability and Project WISE (Workplace Integration Skills for Engineers) - Participated in university sponsored workshops involving a total of 50 responsibility. hours of training in the following areas: leadership skills, conflict management strategy, and active listening techniques.-1990 Phi Kappa Tau Fraternity - Scholarship Chairman-1990 - Responsible for the development and implementation of academic programs. Organized and maintained a test file. Rico – This is a terrific package! You've adapted to the two situations really well – both in the letters and résumés. The selection and arrangement of details shows attention to emphasis and parallelism/accessibility. Nice clean mechanics too. Keep up the good work!

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Davida Charney and Jack Selzer, Pennsylvania State University

This is a very satisfactory first assignment. Your letters & resumes show that you'll be a very capable and responsible professional; I'm looking forward to TO: Davida Charney seeing the rest of your work in our course. FROM: S. Enrico Mutone All of these documents are promising: you've obviously learned what we DATE: February 4, 1990 discussed in class; you distinguish your SUBJECT: Job Application Package letters/resumes well for the circumand to explain the stances; differences in my and the the cover memo orients applications for them me well. Sentences are only The purpose of this memo is to familiarize you with the types of average--but that'll come, jobs that I am applying for. This memo contains a job description for each soon enough.

job, an audience analysis that details the differences

between

the two companies that I am applying to, and a rhetorical analysis that

Clear aim and explains how I have adapted each resume and cover letter to each forecast!

situation.

Job Description: The first summer internship that I am applying for is that of

an

entry level - Methods Lab Engineer. In this case, such a job requires a B.S. Is this parenthesis in the best spot?

degree (or for summer students, Junior-Senior level coursework) in Industrial Engineering and a strong knowledge of manufacturing machinery and tools used in a production process. A Methods Lab Engineer simulates and studies actual production procedures in a controlled environment (a Methods Lab) so that the layout of the workplace or the better? I'm commenting on only a few of your sentences here. When we take up sentences later in our course, you might return to this assignment for practice

method itself may be improved to facilitate more efficient use of time and space.

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Technical Writing: Student Samples and Teacher Responses

Job Description:

I know the examples I showed in class indicated two headings for "Job Description" & "Audience Analysis." But now I wonder if that's a good idea. What do you think –– one or two?

The second internship that I am applying for is foran

industrial

engineer involved in economic analysis of new equipment and machinery. This type of job does not require a degree in engineering, but, a degree is helpful in understanding the effects that changes in production equipment may cause. The basic purpose of such economic analyses is to decide if new, faster equipment will justify its cost in savings later initial

on.

enable managers to

Audience Analysis: The engineers employed by the General Motors corporation are usually chosen and placed for various jobs according to their degree, or “specialty”. As a matter of fact, it is very common within the working

organization to have an “expert” on practically any major area. The reason for this is because it is common policy to keep engineers working in the area that they have the highest level of knowledge. Consequently, GM looks for engineers with a good solid foundation of knowledge of a particular field on which to further expand and build. Because I have 2 previous summers` worth of experience at General Motors, I have a very high degree of familiarity with the audience.

Audience Analysis:

OK But is "GM" your audience, or specific people – or both? i.e., is this the place to tell me about "Kathy" and "Mr. Hollenbach" –– as well as about GM? (That goes for your next paragraph, too.)

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Davida Charney and Jack Selzer, Pennsylvania State University

(now from here on, I'll not comment on individual sentences. Look at these in corporation 6 weeks!) employs usually have The engineers that again the Exxon

their first assignment in the field of their degree. However, as the engineer begins to progress further into the employment structure, he or is most commonly working in areas that are often unrelated to she

engineering at all. Upon speaking to a recruiter from Exxon, I was informed that engineers are moved to areas such as marketing, sales, and advertising without much regard for their engineering degree. Consequently, Exxon looks for engineers with involvement and versatility so that they can easily adapt to the different

working assignments

that they may be involved with during their term of employment. Although I interviewed with the Exxon representative about a year ago, there is little familiarity in our acquaintance.

Rhetorical Analysis: In tailoring my resumes and cover letters to these two different job types and companies, I had to make several

adjustments. In the topic

resume prepared for Exxon, the Experience section emphasizes job sentences

like these titles to illustrate a diverse exposure to several engineering disciplines. are appreciated

In both the resume and the cover letter, parts of previous work experience (such as cost

justification) that are related to the stated

job objective are emphasized. Details concerning activities and honors are provided to emphasize interactive skills and versatility, and also to demonstrate effective leadership potential that is necessary for a

28

Technical Writing: Student Samples and Teacher Responses

managerial position in cost justification.

In the resume sent to General Motors, the Education section is broadened to include a listing of relevant coursework that OK But could you develop all of given to show a certain level of “expertise” in manufacturing this in more detail? aspects of engineering. The previous work experience that is most

the company would probably be interested in. Such elaboration is

relevant to my stated job objective is stated first to show this as well. Also, the Experience section emphasizes the fact that I have

Specify even more differ-

ences?

had previous experience with General Motors by highlighting the company rather than the job title.

The cover letter shows how my previous affiliation with Delco familiarized me with general company operation, as well as how my previous work experience gave me Methods Lab exposure. Because I know the contact person well, the tone in this letter is more relaxed and personal, as opposed to the more formal tone used in the letter to the Exxon representative. 255 E. Beaver Ave. #903 State College, Pa. 16801 February 10, 1990 Note how little you have to say about differences in the two letters. Is that a tip off that there ought to be more differences between them? (e.g., differences in tone?)

Well is it REALLY more personal? See below.

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Davida Charney and Jack Selzer, Pennsylvania State University

Kathryn B. Carrithers Supervisor of Human Resource Gee, Management is this Administration B enough to establish Delco Electronics a "personal"relationship? Flint, Michigan 48556 Heck, it seems to me that the rest of this letter would be the same even Dear Kathy: if As you know, I worked in department 20-22 lastnever summer. this point, I am you'd met At her. Is that what you completing my junior year in Industrial Engineering at Penn State(It andmay I am be!) very interested want? in returning to Delco Electronics for another summer. After talking with Kai Weaver, I have learned that a summer position in the Methods Lab of department 20-17 will be available in May. I believe that my previous experience with Delco provided me with a solid knowledge of the DE system that would prove to be very helpful with a job in the Delco Division. Also, I think that my coursework dealing with work process simulation would be an asset to the 20-17 Methods Lab. Clear My knowledge of the DE system and its operation make me a well suited candidateforecast for a position in manufacturing process simulation with Delco. During my previous summer’s some employment in the Industrial Engineering group at Delco, one aspect of my project dealt with decent the creation of a packaging process for the 3550 instrument cluster service pack. This assignment required me to be in contact with a wide range of people in different areas of concrete This is -ness Delco and consequently, I met most of the supervisors in the Methods Lab area and became a fine in thisfamiliar with the structure of the Delco organization as a whole. job of . In addition, I acquired technical background in work process simulation during this buildpast year of school. In a Work Methods Measurement class, I studied and evaluated the ing processes involved in the handling and distribution of Penn State campus mail. Several of the recommendations and suggestions I made concerning improvements are currently being on the reimplemented at this facility to improve the efficiency of the process and to reduce overall sume, handling time. not just Can you repeating it. tie fact, you I would like to meet with you to talk about the possibility of another summer In with all background this DE. Please refer to my resume for additional information concerning my do that to and qualifications. I look forward to hearing from you. in both how it would help your Sincerely, cover letwork at Delco? ters. S. Enrico Mutone Can you do anything to make it convenient to meet? S. ENRICO MUTONE To prompt a response? Permanent Address (Remember the tactics we discussed in class!)

Should

that School Address

you also point to or emphasize specifics ARE on the resume?

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Technical Writing: Student Samples and Teacher Responses

379 Toura Drive Pittsburgh, Pa. 15236 a good, specific objective (412) 653-5219

255 E. Beaver Ave. #903 State College, Pa. 16801 dates? (412) 867-1674

J O B O B J E C T I V E : Seeking a summer internship as a Industrial Engineer indepartment 20EDUCATION:

17 with emphasis on instrument Later we'll discuss cluster manufacturing process simulation. these "noun + noun + The Pennsylvania State University noun" constructions. Stay tuned! University Park, PA B.S. with honors in Industrial Engineering (Expected: Dec. 1991) Grade Point Average: 3.38/4.00

RELEVANT COURSEWORK -Operations Research -Tool Design -Manufacturing Process Engineering -Materials Engineering -Probability and Statistics -Engineering Economy Doing an honors -Work Methods Measurement -Engineering Design Why this white space? thesis? If so, for this heading? E Xsay P E Rso I E Nhere? CE: G e n e r a l M o t o r ss—Delco Electronics division —best Flint,spot Michigan • Industrial Engineer • Responsible for development of a new layout and process flow for good service packaging facility in the display panel assembly plant. • Initiated a simulation in the methods lab of packaging processes. Developed improved packaging methods from the simulations. • May-Aug 1989 G e n e r a l M o t o r ss—AC Spark Plug Division — Flint, Michigan I notice that • Ceramic Materials Engineer you give the same • Evaluated properties of different ceramic powder compositions and amount of space to designed a method for testing the impact strength of ceramic spark plug insulator bodies. ed, experience, and • May-Aug 1988 Place above? Does the date deserve prominence? activities. That suggests they are all equal in A C T I V I T–– I E Sis that General Motors Scholars Program importance the AND HONORS -Awarded an annual full tuition scholarship and work internship at a suggestion you want sponsoring GM division. to make? (It may be!)Institute of Industrial Engineers - President (Penn State Chapter)-1990 - Junior Class Representative (Penn State Chapter)-1989 Phi Kappa Tau Fraternity - Scholarship Chairman-1990 Project WISE (Workplace Integration Skills for Engineers) ? placement? - Participated in university sponsored workshops involving a total of 50 Rico, this is an hours of training in the following areas: leadership skills, conflict attractive resume. I management strategy, and active listening techniques.-1990Comment a bit limited you to a on what you one-page format, but 255 E. Beaver Ave. #903 did? in "real life" you might State College, Pa. 16801 want to use 2 pages February 10, 1990 (or John use H. a Hollenbach printing ) ( service to Recruiter fit more onto Campus a page), in order to get all relevant info onto your resume. (e.g.,you know I encourage people to include references on their resumes.)

31

Davida Charney and Jack Selzer, Pennsylvania State University

Exxon Corporation Baton Rouge, LA 76512 Dear Mr. Hollenbach: I am currently a Junior majoring in Industrial Engineering at Penn State. You may remember that I interviewed with you on campus last February for a summer internship at the Exxon facility in Houston. I attended the reception that was recently held by Exxon on February 7 at Penn State and learned of some opportunities existing within the Engineering departments. I became particularly interested in the recent automation of the pump valve controls in the Baton Rouge oil refinery and would like to be considered for a summer position involving cost justification and analysis of new equipment for this plant. I believe that my coursework and previous work experience in cost justification make me a well suited candidate for a position in pump valve control automation at the Baton Rouge facility. In my previous summer of employment at General Motors, part of my job responsibility was to determine the feasibility of purchasing new, automated equipment for the service packaging operation. This involved gathering accurate data, determining realistic future production conditions and requirements, and calculating the annual cost of different alternatives. In addition, I completed and presented an economic analysis of a manual welding system vs. an automated welding system for an Engineering Economy class. The last time we spoke you informed me of Exxon’s belief in a versatile, adaptable engineering staff. I believe my possession of these qualities would make me a valuable asset for Exxon. As president of the Penn State chapter of the Institute of Industrial Engineers, I have a head start in developing strong leadership skills and interactive abilities. My involvement with a fraternity and participation in University sponsored Conflict Management workshops have also enabled me to develop good personal skills that are necessary for effective interaction in a work environment. I am available to meet with you at your convenience to further discuss any details concerning possible employment with Exxon. Please refer to the enclosed resume for more information concerning my qualifications. I look forward to hearing from you. Sincerely,

S. Enrico Mutone Again –– a solid job. Do my comments on your other letter suggest any possible revisions to this one? And note how this letter focuses on the past; can you look to the future a bit? What will you do for them?

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Technical Writing: Student Samples and Teacher Responses

Permanent Address 379 Toura Drive Pittsburgh, Pa. 15236 (412) 653-5219

S. ENRICO MUTONE School Address I'll let my 255 E. Beaver Ave. #903 comments on your other resume suggest revisions to State College, Pa. 16801 (412) 867-1674 this one. OK?

OBJECTIVE:

Seeking a summer internship as a Industrial Engineer with focus on cost justification and analysis of new manufacturing equipment for the Baton Rouge oil refinery

EDUCATION:

The Pennsylvania State University with honors in Industrial Engineering Grade Point Average: 3.32/4.00

EXPERIENCE:

Industrial Engineer • General Motors—Delco Electronics division — Flint, Michigan • Analyzed the feasibility of purchasing new, more efficient equipment for the service packaging facility in the display panel assembly plant. Responsible for developing a new layout and process flow for this facility. • Initiated a simulation in the methods lab of packaging procedures. Developed improved packaging methods from the simulations. • May-Aug 1989

University Park, PA B.S. (Expected: Dec. 1991)

Ceramic Materials Engineer • General Motors—AC Spark Plug Division — Flint, Michigan • Evaluated properties of different ceramic powder compositions and designed a method for testing the impact strength of ceramic spark plug insulator bodies. • May-Aug 1988

ACTIVITIES AND HONORS

General Motors Scholars Program -Awarded an annual work internship at a sponsoring GM division. Institute of Industrial Engineers - President (Penn State Chapter)-1990 - Coordinated seven officers and ran general chapter meetings. - Junior Class Representative (Penn State Chapter)-1989 - Created and maintained a database listing of active members and organized a monthly newsletter Project WISE (Workplace Integration Skills for Engineers) - Participated in university sponsored workshops involving a total of 50 hours of training in the following areas: leadership skills, conflict management strategy, and active listening techniques.-1990 Phi Kappa Tau Fraternity - Scholarship Chairman-1990 - Responsible for the development and implementation of academic programs. Organized and maintained a test file. the differences here from your other resume are noted –– and appreciated. Thoughtful, & interesting.

Davida Charney and Jack Selzer, Pennsylvania State University

Instructions Description of Assignment We guide students through the instructions assignment using the following materials: Procedural Instructions Write a set of instructions for performing a task with which you are very familiar. Write the instructions for readers who have never performed this task before, but who may have rudimentary knowledge of the topic area. In order to avoid undertaking a task that is overly complex (or overly simple), you must obtain my approval for the task by writing a plan describing the task and the intended audience. You must choose a task carefully. First, you must choose a task at an appropriate level of difficulty. Some tasks are too easy to need detailed instructions and others are so complex that they can only be described with a full-scale manual. Second, you must choose a task that can be performed conveniently on campus. A selection of instructions from this class will be tested on real readers. The restrictions on task selection are spelled out in more detail below. Constraints on your choice of task • The task may involve a device: assembling it, operating it, or fixing it. Or the task may involve some process. You may choose the task from a hobby, a previous job, or some skill you’ve acquired in school. Examples of tasks are included on the next page. • The device or process should have discrete parts that are fairly easy to name and refer to. Avoid “non-componential” tasks: tying a tie, serving a tennis ball, or driving a stick shift. • The task should take NO LESS THAN 10 AND NO MORE THAN 20 MINUTES to perform. • The task should be one that can conveniently be performed on campus. You should have the necessary materials at hand while you are writing the instructions; it should be possible to find appropriate readers to carry out your instructions and carrying out the instructions should not be time-consuming, dangerous, or expensive. • NOTE: You may choose a task for which a set of instructions is already available and revise the instructions. In this case, you must discuss the existing instructions in your plan to convince me that you are taking on a challenging revision task. Either you must argue that

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Technical Writing: Student Samples and Teacher Responses

the existing instructions are seriously inadequate, or you must plan to revise the instructions for a significantly different audience (e.g., 6th graders). Requirements for the plan You must submit a plan for my approval that answers the following questions: • What device or process are your instructions for? • What kind of readers will you write for? What do you assume they already know about this task? When and why do you expect them to use these instructions? • Why are instructions necessary for this task? • Are there already instructions for this task? If so, attach a copy of at least one page. What’s wrong with these instructions? How will your instructions differ significantly from the existing set? Requirements for the instructions Writing Process. In order to create a really good set of instructions, you may need to gather more information about the task. Carry out the task yourself as self-consciously as possible. To find more information or to locate existing instructions to revise, look in the library (you can find entries for manuals and instructions using LIAS). Talk to other people who know how to perform the task and ask them to comment on the existing instructions or on common mistakes that anxious readers always make. Content and Format. The instructions should follow the general format for instructions described in your textbook, with modifications as required for your rhetorical situation. In general, your instructions should begin by clearly stating what the instructions are for, who should use them and why. There should be an overview of the procedure. The steps should represent a logical division of actions. The steps should be clearly expressed (as imperative actions and results) and clearly laid out. The instructions should help the reader check that the procedure was completed successfully and direct the reader to more information, as appropriate. Completeness, Accuracy, and Clarity. The instructions should contain sufficient information expressed at the appropriate level of detail and with appropriate terminology for your reader to carry them out successfully without additional instruction. Audience Address. As described above, you must specify what kind of readers should be using these instructions and what you expect them to know.

Davida Charney and Jack Selzer, Pennsylvania State University

You should address your audience directly (i.e., using second person) and use a tone appropriate to the rhetorical situation. Visual design. The instructions should employ visual as well as verbal communication. You must include at least one illustration or graphic aid, but you may rely much more heavily than this on figures if they are the most effective means of expression (note: if you make use of pictures or graphics from other sources, be sure to acknowledge the source). In addition, your instructions should use visual cues for increased accessibility, such as headings, numbering, white space, and typeface.

Explanation of Commentary One substantial part of our course in technical writing involves instruction on what might be called the “special rhetoric” of technical writing: on matters like graphics, illustrations, page design, parallelism, tactics for making documents easily accessible to readers, and the like. Our instructions assignment gives students an opportunity to show how well they have mastered this special rhetoric. Consequently, our comments on this student paper are directed not so much toward general rhetorical strategies and principles as toward the particular matters that the assignment is designed to test. Both of us, for instance, address the illustrations and how those illustrations are integrated with the text; both of us comment on a minor problem with partitioning; and our marginalia and summary comments address page design, accessibility, and segmenting. In short, our comments here illustrate the need to tie comments to the particular pedagogical goals that an assignment is designed to accommodate. Two other notes. First, this student paper also gives us an opportunity to coach the writing process as well as the “final” product. We have included with the instructions the “Planning Sheet” that the student submitted two weeks before the project was due. This sheet gives us an opportunity to discuss how the student is conceiving of the task and how she plans to execute it. That is, we have an opportunity to intervene during planning and invention, and to ensure that planning and invention are indeed taking place far in advance of the due date. (The cover memo for the résumé assignment served a similar purpose, but took the form of reflection instead of advance planning.) In addition, we also coach the writing process by suggesting revisions that the student must execute in order to get credit for the assignment. Not included here, but also falling under the heading of “coaching the writing process,” would be the rough draft that the student submitted with the “final” draft; it would come with suggestions from peer readers generated during rough-draft workshops. Second, this assignment gives us a chance to illustrate what we try to do in response to excellent writing. Rená Cunard took on a risky and complex

35

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Technical Writing: Student Samples and Teacher Responses

task and carried it off quite gracefully. Actually, our commentary should probably have been more extensive on this paper than it is, on the theory that teachers should say more to excellent writers (who are ready for fine tuning or advanced instruction) than they do to mediocre ones (who probably should concentrate on a few important matters).

37

Davida Charney and Jack Selzer, Pennsylvania State University

Plan for Procedural Instructions I intend to devise a set of instructions for the process of fractional distillation, suitable for use in Chemistry 36 laboratory. The instructions for fractional distillation will include directions for setting up the required apparatus and generalized directions for carrying out the distillation. The instructions I write will be for the laboratory student carrying out a distillation for the first time. All of the required materials are available in the lab, but for many students it will be the first opportunity they have had to use the particular glassware necessary. While students are expected to come to class knowing the theory behind distillation, hands-on application of this knowledge is often difficult. This is what my directions are intended to help. The text used in Chem. 36 contains diagrams of various apparatus used for distillation. However, it gives no information on assembling the apparatus piece by piece, the diagrams of the glassware are vague, and there are several modifications necessary when carrying out the process in Penn State organic chemistry labs. In class, it has been my experience that even with the instructor giving the students assistance in assembling their apparatus, many were left confused by the text information. Much of their laboratory session was spend puzzling over the apparatus and starting the distillation and very few actually finished the experiment. n

I intend to prepare a set of instructions that could be give to the students prior to the distillation lab. The instructions will give step-by-step details on assembling the apparatus, they will identify the necessary components by name and appearance, and they will explain how to get the distillation underway with any necessary modifications listed. A student with these instructions would be able to easily find the glassware they need, assemble it correctly, and begin distillation of their liquids—and be able to complete their experiment in the time given. The instructor would also be freed from the task of identifying pieces of glassware for confused students and would have time to assist with more technical problems. Attached are photocopies of the given experiment directions with several problems noted. Rená – This plan is great. You show a compelling need for the instructions and seem to have a good grasp of your audience and topic. I'll be interested to see what you come up with

38

Technical Writing: Student Samples and Teacher Responses

Davida Charney English 202C

Rená B. Cunard October 29, 1990

DIRECTIONS FOR FRACTIONAL DISTILLATION The following directions are for the organic chemistry student desiring to separate Good intro! two liquids by the technique of fractional distillation. These instructions are designed You to help you set up the necessary equipment and carry out the distillation in Penn identify State’s organic chemistry laboratory. The instructions will be particularly helpful if you purpose, have never carried out a distillation before, as they provide step-by-step information on scope, identifying and obtaining the materials you will need, building the apparatus, and set the carrying out the distillation to completion. While these instructions provide information prerequisites, on the physical labor of distillation, it is still necessary that you refer to a laboratory text all very to understand the chemical principles behind distillation. smoothly. Once you have acquired a mixture of two liquids with unique boiling points that you want to separate, allow an hour to become familiar with the equipment and to carry out the fractional distillation. With these instructions, you will be able to quickly and correctly learn how to carry out a separation procedure that will be of great value to you in future synthetic experiments. MATERIALS All of the materials that are required are available in the laboratory, and you will perform the distillation beneath the hood at your assigned desk. Gather the following materials: From your assigned laboratory cabinet: Blue Kimble glassware kit (1) Heating mantle, 100 ml Clamp holders (1) Iron ring, 2 “ Extension clamps (1) Magnetic spinbar, 1 “ Graduated Cylinder, 100 ml (1) Thermometer 5 X 5 Wire Gauze (2) Rubber tubing, 3 ‘ inch? (1) Stainless steel helices-curled metal pieces in plastic bag Reformat? (1) Distilling column packing-flat metal pieces in plastic bag These don't look (1) Magnetic stirrer - on counter above cabinet like definitions. (1) (4) (2) (1) (1)

From the common shelf: (1) Rubber band - Silicone stopcock grease

(2) Ring stands - Glass wool

39

Davida Charney and Jack Selzer, Pennsylvania State University

Rená B. Cunard

PAGE 2 CONSTRUCTING THE DISTILLATION APPARATUS

1. Preparing the heating mantle. - Be sure to assemble the apparatus beneath your hood - Refer to Figure 1 A. Place the magnetic stirrer on the base of a ring stand, and plug into a wall socket. B. Attach the heating mantle to a ring stand using a clamp holder, placing the cup of the mantle in the center of the magnetic stirrer. C. Plug the heating mantle into the varistat power controller on the outside wall of the hood. Do not turn on the varistat. - The apparatus should appear like that in Figure 1. 2. Assembling glassware attached to ring stand #1. -The glassware for this experiment is located in the blue Kimble glassware kit. -Refer to Figure 2 to identify the glassware. A. Remove the 100 ml round bottom flask from the kit. 1) Fill the flask with the distillation mixture, and place the 1" stirring bar in the flask. 2) Put the flask in the pocket of the mantle. 3) Secure the flask with an extension clamp. B. Remove the widest column from the kit - this will be the fractionating column. 1) Fill the column with 2 - 3 inches of helices. 2) Cover the helices with 2 inches of distilling column packing. 3) Place the column in the opening of the flask. IMPORTANT: All joints should be coated with silicone grease to ensure airtight seals. Passive here is ambiguous – are they already coated or should the student C. Remove the 3-way connecting tube and neoprene fitment from the kit. coat them? If 1) Attach the connecting tube to the column. the second, make 2) Slip the thermometer into the neoprene fitting, and attach to the this a step and connecting tube. repeat it as necessary. NOTE: The bulb of the thermometer must be below the sidearm of the connecting tube to accurately measure the temperature of the gases. -The apparatus should appear like that in Figure 2.

41

Davida Charney and Jack Selzer, Pennsylvania State University

Rená B. Cunard

Another awkward passive.

PAGE 4

2. Assembling the glassware attached to ring stand #2. - Another ring stand is going to be set up beneath the hood,directly beside the Do you first. mean 3? - Refer to Figure 3 that A. Remove the thin column from the kit - this will be the condenser, and water will flow through it. 1) Attach rubber tubing to the side openings of the condenser. IMPORTANT: Check that the distance between the apparatus and the sink in the back of the hood can be spanned by the rubber tubing. If not, reposition the ring stands at this time. 2) Clamp the condenser at its midsection to ring stand #2. 3) CAREFULLY attach the condenser to the 3-way connecting tube, and Format glitch. secure with a rubber band, as depicted in Figure 3. B. Remove a connecting vacuum tube from the kit and attach it to the open end of the condenser. C. Clamp a 2" iron ring to ring stand #2. 1) Cover with wire gauze. 2) Position a graduated cylinder beneath the opening of the connecting vacuum tube. D. Attach the rubber tube marked “water in” in Figure 3 to the faucet of the sink in the hood. 1) Allow the rubber tube marked “water out” to dangle in the sink, open ended. 2) GENTLY turn on the water, until there is a steady flow through the condenser. WARNING: The flow of water through the condenser must be as slow as possible, to allow the gases to pass through. THE APPARATUS IS PREPARED FOR FRACTIONAL DISTILLATION. This step isn't at the same level as the other ones with letters. Note that it's at the same level of specificity as #1 below it. Demote it and add a more general one there.

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Technical Writing: Student Samples and Teacher Responses

Pretty!

43

Davida Charney and Jack Selzer, Pennsylvania State University

Rená B. Cunard

PAGE 6

GENERAL INSTRUCTIONS FOR FRACTIONAL DISTILLATION 1. Record the boiling points of the liquids to be separated, if their identities are known. - Boiling point information is available in the Merck Chemical Catalog, located on the side shelf. - Experimental temperatures will identify the separating liquids if they are unknowns. 2.

Heat the liquid. A. Turn on the magnetic stirrer. -Move the dial on the stirrer until the spinbar rotates. B. Turn on the varistat, located on the outside wall of the hood. -A setting of 50 on the varistat dial is appropriate for most liquids.

3.

Watch for a ring of condensation moving up the distillation column. WARNING: Fractional distillation is necessarily a slow process. The ring of condensation should move up the distillation column over a period of several minutes. IF NOT, lower the setting of the varistat so that the process slows down.

I'm glad to see some trouble – shooting here NOTE: If the condensation ring won’t move up the distillation column, wrap the but the column in glass wool. This will insulate the column, allowing the gas to move connection higher. here isn't clear. 4. Collect the distillate. You've really - When the gases have reached the condenser tube, drops of distillate will got two collect in the graduated cylinder. Should this IMPORTANT: Have another piece of glassware suitable for collecting distillate possibilities – step come too fast or (another graduated cylinder, for example) cleaned and prepared at this time. earlier? too slow. Set A. Record the thermometer reading, which will be approximately the boiling point them up to clarify the of the collected liquid. two situations B. WATCH for a change in temperature. 1) Exchange the graduated cylinder for another collection vessel as the Again – is this temperature begins to rise. coming too IMPORTANT: Do not mix the distillate collected at low and high boiling points, late? because this will defeat the purpose of separation by distillation. 2) Record the thermometer reading when it reaches its high point - this is the boiling point of the high boiling chemical. WARNING: Do not distill till the flask is dry!! DISTILLATION IS COMPLETE

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Technical Writing: Student Samples and Teacher Responses

Rená B. Cunard

PAGE 7

-The varistat can now be switched off, and the apparatus allowed to cool. -Turn off the magnetic stirrer. -Turn off the running water. -Disassemble the apparatus carefully, when it is cool.

Clean it? Put it away?

-Return any glass wool to the side shelf. If you have successfully followed these directions, you should now have two separate liquids with measurable volumes and boiling points. Hopefully, these directions have saved you valuable time and prevented any confusion. You are now ready to continue with your experiment.

Rená – You took on a very ambitious task here and carried it off very skillfully! The segmentation into steps was generally very clean, the layout used parallelism, strong imperatives (usually), and page design to make this very accessible. I hope you're planning to give a copy of these to your Chem 36 instructor.

Davida Charney and Jack Selzer, Pennsylvania State University

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Technical Writing: Student Samples and Teacher Responses

hmmm... why "generalized"? Plan for Procedural Instructions I intend to devise a set of instructions for the process of fractional distillation, suitable for use in Chemistry 36 laboratory. The instructions for fractional distillation will include directions for setting up the required apparatus and generalized directions for carrying out the distillation. The instructions I write will be for the laboratory student carrying out a distillation for the first time. All of the required materials are available in the lab, but for many students it will be the first opportunity they have had to use the particular glassware necessary. While students are expected to come to class knowing the theory behind distillation, hands-on application of this knowledge is often difficult. This is what my directions are intended to help. why? Can you explain? Find out your reader's needs! Good –– clear need for your work

The text used in Chem. 36 contains diagrams of various apparatus used for distillation. However, it gives no information on assembling the apparatus piece by piece, the diagrams of the glassware are vague, and there are several modifications necessary when carrying out the process in Penn State organic chemistry labs. In class, it has been my experience that even with the instructor giving the students assistance in assembling their apparatus, many were left confused by the text information. Much of their laboratory session was spend puzzling over the apparatus and starting the distillation and very few actually finished the experiment. I intend to prepare a set of instructions that could be give to the students prior to the distillation lab. The instructions will give step-by-step details on assembling the apparatus, they will identify the necessary components by name and appearance, and they will explain how to get the distillation underway with any necessary modifications listed. A student with these instructions would be able to easily find the glassware they need, assemble it correctly, and begin distillation of their liquids—and be able to complete their experiment in the time given. The instructor would also be freed from the task of identifying pieces of glassware for confused students and would have time to assist with more technical problems. Attached are photocopies of the given experiment directions with several problems noted. This looks good –– go to it! A very appropriate task. Your finished document will be appreciated by lots of people!

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Davida Charney and Jack Selzer, Pennsylvania State University

Davida Charney English 202C

Why the header?

Rená B. Cunard October 29, 1990

Why all caps? DIRECTIONS FOR FRACTIONAL DISTILLATION OK. But do you want to say more here about F.D.? (Do students need any background/orientation?) The following directions are for the organic chemistry student desiring to separate two liquids by the technique of fractional distillation. These instructions are designed to help you set up the necessary equipment and carry out the distillation in Penn clearState’s organic chemistry laboratory. The instructions will be particularly helpful if you forecast have never carried out a distillation before, as they provide step-by-step information on identifying and obtaining the materials you will need, building the apparatus, and carrying out the distillation to completion. While these instructions provide information on the physical labor of distillation, it is still necessary that you refer to a laboratory text should this to understand the chemical principles behind distillation. be sentence #2? yourself Once you have acquired a mixture of two liquids with unique boiling points that you want to separate, allow an hour to become familiar with the equipment and to carry out the fractional distillation. With these instructions, you will be able to quickly and correctly learn how to carry out a separation procedure that will be of great value to you in future synthetic experiments. A helpful detail. (Should you also MATERIALS why all caps? include estimated time for substeps below?) All of the materials that are required are available in the laboratory, and you will perform the distillation beneath the hood at your assigned desk. Gather the following materials:

??

??

I'd spell out From your assigned laboratory cabinet: (1) Blue Kimble glassware kit (1) Heating mantle, 100 ml (4) Clamp holders (1) Iron ring, 2 “ What if (2) Extension clamps (1) Magnetic spinbar, 1 “ something isn't (1) Graduated Cylinder, 100 ml (1) Thermometer there? (Or is that (1) 5 X 5 Wire Gauze (2) Rubber tubing, 3 ‘ impossible?) Anticipate trouble? (1) Stainless steel helices-curled metal pieces in plastic bag (1) Distilling column packing-flat metal pieces in plastic bag (1) Magnetic stirrer - on counter above cabinet How should dashes be typed? Beware of From the common shelf: looking like a hyphen, eh? (1) Rubber band - Silicone stopcock grease

(2) Ring stands - Glass wool Will the reader wonder "how much"?

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Technical Writing: Student Samples and Teacher Responses

Rená B. Cunard

PAGE 2

CONSTRUCTING THE DISTILLATION APPARATUS Would a brief intro/overview be useful? Remember, segments 1. Preparing often the heating mantle. have beginnings, - Be sure to assemble the apparatus beneath your hood middles, & ends too! - Refer to Figure 1 enough "introduction"? A. Place the magnetic stirrer on the base of a ring stand, and plug into a wall socket. B. Attach the heating mantle to a ring stand using a clamp holder, placing the cup of the mantle in the center of the magnetic stirrer. C. Plug the heating mantle into the varistat power controller on the outside wall of the hood. Do not turn on the varistat. - The apparatus should appear like that in Figure 1. 2. Assembling glassware attached to ring stand #1. -The glassware for this experiment is located in the blue Kimble glassware kit. -Refer to Figure 2 to identify the glassware. uh A. Set up the 100 ml round bottom flask Rená, are you doing oh... A. Remove the 100 ml round bottom flask from the kit. enough 1. Remove the flask from the kit. faulty to anticipate partitioning. 2 1) Fill the flask with the distillation mixture, and place the 1" stirring bar in trouble? See? the flask. What can go 3 2) Put the flask in the pocket of the mantle. wrong? What if Ditto 4 3) Secure the flask with an extension clamp. something here? does go B. Remove the widest column from the kit - this will be the fractionating wrong? column. 1) Fill the column with 2 - 3 inches of helices. 2) Cover the helices with 2 inches of distilling column packing. 3) Place the column in the opening of the flask. IMPORTANT: All joints should be coated with silicone grease to ensure airtight seals. best place for this info? C. Remove the 3-way connecting tube and neoprene fitment from the kit. 1) Attach the connecting tube to the column. 2) Slip the thermometer into the neoprene fitting, and attach to the connecting tube. NOTE: The bulb of the thermometer must be below the sidearm of the connecting tube to accurately measure the temperature of the gases. -The apparatus should appear like that in Figure 2. consistent layout?

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Davida Charney and Jack Selzer, Pennsylvania State University

Wouldn't a title & caption make this more selfsufficient?

power cord?

Groupings of parts & subparts?

Here too. Otherwise, your figures seem detailed, complete, useful, & well integrated with the text.

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Technical Writing: Student Samples and Teacher Responses

Rená B. Cunard

PAGE 4

3. 2. Assembling the glassware attached to ring stand #2. - Another ring stand is going to be set up beneath the hood,directly beside the Enough first. introduction & - Refer to Figure 3 background? A. Remove the thin column from the kit - this will be the condenser, and water will flow through it. : ? 1) Attach rubber tubing to the side openings of the condenser. IMPORTANT: Check that the distance between the apparatus and the sink in the back of the hood can be spanned by the rubber tubing. If not, reposition the ring stands at this time. Explain? Are you 2) Clamp the condenser at its midsection to ring stand #2. doing enough to 3) CAREFULLY attach the condenser to the 3-way connecting tube, and anticipate Whoops! trouble? Layout... secure with a rubber band, as depicted in Figure 3. And to "correct" it? B. Remove a connecting vacuum tube from the kit and attach it to the open end of Clarify in more the condenser. detail? C. Clamp a 2" iron ring to ring stand #2. 1) Cover with wire gauze. 2) Position a graduated cylinder beneath the opening of the connecting vacuum tube. D. Attach the rubber tube marked “water in” in Figure 3 to the faucet of the sink in the hood. 1) Allow the rubber tube marked “water out” to dangle in the sink, open ended. 2) GENTLY turn on the water, until there is a steady flow through the condenser. WARNING: The flow of water through the condenser must be as slow as possible, to allow the gases to pass through. THE APPARATUS IS PREPARED FOR FRACTIONAL DISTILLATION. This page requires clarification of partitioning, too, like page 2. "A" and "B" (etc.) are the "big steps"; 1, 2, 3, (etc.) add up to A, B, etc. Eh?

good. See, you have a "Conclusion" to this segment; might you thus also have an intro?

Davida Charney and Jack Selzer, Pennsylvania State University

51

I'd just repeat what I said about your Figs 1 & 2: 1 2 to 3

attractive Heads are confusing – organize & group reveal partitioning? Add title & caption to make self-sufficient?

Rená B. Cunard

Now: Can you revise this page based on my comments on your other pages? (What do you think I'd advise, if I had more time?)

PAGE 6

GENERAL INSTRUCTIONS FOR FRACTIONAL DISTILLATION 1. Record the boiling points of the liquids to be separated, if their identities are known. - Boiling point information is available in the Merck Chemical Catalog, located on the side shelf. - Experimental temperatures will identify the separating liquids if they are unknowns. 2.

Heat the liquid. A. Turn on the magnetic stirrer. -Move the dial on the stirrer until the spinbar rotates. B. Turn on the varistat, located on the outside wall of the hood. -A setting of 50 on the varistat dial is appropriate for most liquids.

3.

Watch for a ring of condensation moving up the distillation column. WARNING: Fractional distillation is necessarily a slow process. The ring of condensation should move up the distillation column over a period of several minutes. IF NOT, lower the setting of the varistat so that the process slows down. NOTE: If the condensation ring won’t move up the distillation column, wrap the column in glass wool. This will insulate the column, allowing the gas to move higher.

4.

Collect the distillate. - When the gases have reached the condenser tube, drops of distillate will collect in the graduated cylinder. IMPORTANT: Have another piece of glassware suitable for collecting distillate (another graduated cylinder, for example) cleaned and prepared at this time. A. Record the thermometer reading, which will be approximately the boiling point of the collected liquid. B. WATCH for a change in temperature. 1) Exchange the graduated cylinder for another collection vessel as the temperature begins to rise. IMPORTANT: Do not mix the distillate collected at low and high boiling points, because this will defeat the purpose of separation by distillation. 2) Record the thermometer reading when it reaches its high point - this is the boiling point of the high boiling chemical. WARNING: Do not distill till the flask is dry!! DISTILLATION IS COMPLETE

Rená B. Cunard

PAGE 7

-The varistat can now be switched off, and the apparatus allowed to cool. -Turn off the magnetic stirrer. -Turn off the running water. -Disassemble the apparatus carefully, when it is cool. -Return any glass wool to the side shelf. If you have successfully followed these directions, you should now have two separate liquids with measurable volumes and boiling points. Hopefully, these directions have saved you valuable time and prevented any confusion. You are now ready to continue with your experiment.

Good work, Rená! After some revision, I think this will make a useful document for Chem 36 students: they'll be thanking you for the rest of the century! It's clear careful & detailed; its figures are complete; and the advice is generally patient and audience-oriented. When you do revise, could you consider especially the items I've commented on: clear beginning/middle/end in segments; clear partitioning (see me for explanation? Reread chapter 11 and esp. 12, pp 231-35 of your textbook); anticipate things going wrong? I'm looking forward to seeing the finished product in your portfolio!

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Technical Writing: Student Samples and Teacher Responses

What do you think I'd suggest for this figure, based on my other comments?

Davida Charney and Jack Selzer, Pennsylvania State University

Proposal Description of Assignment For the proposal assignment, we give students the following materials to guide their writing process: Proposal for Formal Report Write me a letter seeking my approval for the topic for your formal report. The requirements for the formal report are explained in the assignment sheet for that project. When writing the proposal, think of me as someone who wants to be sure that you choose a project from which you can learn a great deal and on which you can do a good job. While I am willing to consider a wide range of topics, you must convince me that you have chosen a worthwhile topic that you are capable of handling well. In reading your letter, I will be looking for answers to the following questions: What problem will your report address? Have you clearly defined a conflict between a desired situation and the current situation? Whose problem is it? Who will read the report? What is your position relative to your readers? Remember that you must define a complex audience. You may describe a real situation or devise a hypothetical one. Why is this problem significant for these readers? What’s at stake? Do you have a handle on a solution to the problem? Have you analyzed what a good solution would require? Do you know about alternative plausible solutions? How is the topic related to your major? Your career plans? What makes you qualified to carry out the project? I will give preference to projects that give you practice writing a kind of document that you may have to prepare on the job. What will it take to gather the necessary information and complete your analyses? Can you complete your report in the time left in this term, using resources readily available to you? Do you have a work plan for your project, a plan that shows specifically when certain activities must be completed this semester if you are to finish the project on time? The format for your letter should be that of a formal business letter. Select your information and organize it in such a way that it is persuasive and accessible. Include:

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Technical Writing: Student Samples and Teacher Responses

• an introduction which tells me why you are writing and what the memo is about. • a section on the problem, including an explicit well-developed problem statement. Convince me your audience is facing a tough and important problem. • a section describing your plans for researching the problem and developing a solution. Convince me that you know what kind of information you’ll need and where to find it. Include an analysis of your readers and what information they’ll need in order to buy your solution. • a discussion of your credentials. Convince me that you have the background and resources necessary to conduct your research. • a schedule. Convince me that you know what activities your research will require and that you can get them done on time. • a conclusion which formally requests permission to proceed.

Explanation of Commentary Our proposal assignment requires students to write letters to us to obtain our permission to do a specific task for a long project due later in the course. It comes about six weeks into our fifteen-week semester, at a time when, finished with our discussions of planning and invention, we turn to arrangement—considerations of overall order, of the arrangement of subparts and paragraphs, and of revealing order to readers. Like all our assignments, the proposal assignment also focuses on argumentation within a specific genre. As a result, this assignment puts us into two distinct roles as respondents. On the one hand, the assignment is written to us, to meet our own specific needs as readers (as defined in the assignment sheet), so at some points we respond as readers, with the voice of real readers. On the other hand, we respond here as teachers as well—as trusted advisors, as coaches—in the process of giving advice about writing and about how a specific document might be improved. Each voice is apparent in the marginalia and the summary comments. When we ask questions about the proposed project—for instance, both of us have worries about the “Approach to the Report” section; and both of us address the project itself in our summary comments—we are responding as readers. When we ask more general questions about segments or sentences or proposal writing, or when we make suggestions or react to particular sections or sentences, we are commenting as “coaches.” Our commentary on this proposal was complicated by the fact that the student, Mourad Slaoui, is Tunisian—a non-native speaker and writer of English. Hence we illustrate in our comments a couple of ways of working with a student who has expression problems characteristic of international

Davida Charney and Jack Selzer, Pennsylvania State University

students. Charney provides direct instruction at the sentence level—making a few corrections, or making general observations with directives attached (e.g., “this sentence has too much going on; break it up”). Selzer assumes that the student is working with a tutor at the Penn State Writing Center—where students can get regular, individual tutoring with an experienced writing instructor—and writes comments designed to encourage productive cooperation with a tutor. We both try to build on strengths rather than simply reacting to problems. And we try to keep a perspective about error, in the conviction that success at the sentence level is only one feature of effective technical prose. For us, the advantage of linking the proposal to the final report is that it provides an occasion to discuss the historical function of technical documents and the evolution of one text into another. For example, in telling students how to define a significant problem that motivates a research project, we anticipate our discussion of the introduction section of the final report, which reminds the reader of the purpose of the investigation. The proposal becomes part of the historical context for the final report, as well as providing some reusable content. In this respect, the proposal also represents an initial planning process for the final report; we therefore prompt students to reflect on their audience and its needs.

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Technical Writing: Student Samples and Teacher Responses

Mourad Slaoui 472 East College Ave. Apt. # C5 State College, Pa.16801 March 9, 1990 Ms. Davida Charney 31 South Burrowes Bldg. University Park, Pa. 16802 Dear Ms. Charney: Since this isn't One of the oldest dishes in North Africa, and may be in the whole World, is a proper Cous-cous. This dish, about 3000 years old, was first introduced by the Berbers You who name, which were the first inhabitants of North Africa. Over the years, Cous-cous became motivate use lower one of the most original treats in Tunisia as well as other North African countries. the proposal case In fact, Cous-cous is now the traditional dish for all Tunisians and the first priority with good throughout.attraction for any visitor. background Being familiar with the complicated process for cooking Cous-cous, I decided info. to put my knowledge, as an electrical engineer, in practice by designing an electronic timer that will be of a great help to all Tunisian Chefs in preparing this famous dish. In this letter, I will acquaint you with the problem which I encountered in the Good kitchen of my father’s restaurant called “LA MAMA”, located in Tunis, and best preview! known for its Cous-cous. I will give you my approach to the report and a description of my audience as well as a schedule for achieving the feasibility finishing report. PROBLEM AND SIGNIFICANCE The major step in cooking cous-cous is the steaming of very hard grains made out of wheat and called Cous-cous (that is where the dish gets the name from). depends This step relay only on the experience of the Chef. The steaming process has always been the major problem that cooks face in “LA MAMA” restaurant which is expected to serve the finest Cous-cous in the city. The focus The problem in steaming is simply time. Different grain sizes must have shifts from different steaming times that allow the grains to completely absorb the sauce grains to "we." added in the last step. In fact, when Cous-cous is slightly over-steamed, it gets Choose one mushy with the sauce. But, if we do not reach the desired steaming level, we construction would have only hard grains in a sauce that would look like a soup. Both cases and stick with are the nightmare of the Chef, the fear of the manager, and of course the it. dissatisfaction of the customer. LA MAMA restaurant tried to solve this problem first by completely depending on the experience of its Chefs but then realized that not all Chefs have necessarily enough experience to get the precise steaming time and consequently, human error was a real disaster. Since then, the restaurant managing team decided to This part is too important to be It's odd to say a restaurant can tacked on here. Develop this point try and realize. Get a human in one or two sentences. agent in here.

Davida Charney and Jack Selzer, Pennsylvania State University

Good analysis equip the kitchen with manual timers. However, two major problems are associated with such timers. The first one is again human error; if the cook simply of the situationforgets to set the timer “On” right before steaming, he would end up with an undesired Cous-cous. The second problem deals with fact that manual timers are impractical in many cases. A large number of timers is needed because different grains have different times and then no one seems to find them when they need them. Cooks are always looking for the timers, which are thrown all over the kitchen especially during busy days. The electronic timer that I wish to design, would put and end to any kind of timing problems in the steaming process. It would also eliminate the factor of human dependency and thus exclude human error from the process. This timer would be installed with the steamer and by simply pushing one button to select the desired precise time relative to the size of the grain, the steamer would be automatically tuned “On” and once the time is up the steamer will automatically sp shut “Off”.

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This sentence has too much going on– divide it up.

APPROACH TO THE REPORT directed at

My report will be designated to the owner of “LA MAMA” restaurant, Mr. Ridha Slaoui, and the manager, Mr. Sami Makni. Having in mind that both of these access people are mostly interested in the results, the cost, and the access as well as simplicity in the manipulation of the electronic timer, I will orient my report in a way to what? that would focus on the problem that the restaurant faces on a daily basis, the away money wasted on thrown Cous-cous, and the radical change that the new timer will You seem to give to any cook to steam the grains just right without depending on his be confusing experience. I will start the report by testing the precise times needed for the four different the research project with types of grain sizes (extra thin, thin, medium, and thick). These times would be the the main external information that the timer needs and the controlling elements for the organization accuracy of the device. Since my audience is not very technical, I will cover the of the report. design details in a simple manner. I will start the cost analysis by investigating the You really cost of designing the timer and the cost of its implementation in the kitchen. By need knowing the cost of wasted Cous-cous, I will be able to estimate the financial separate benefit that the restaurant would get from the timer on a short-run as well as a long- sections on run. The applicability of the device will be another main criteria in the report. I will each topic – what will show how easy it is to install the timer and how simple it is to operate it. you do and QUALIFICATIONS how will you report Being a graduating student majoring in Electrical Engineering, I have had the on it? chance to take several electronic circuit design courses. I spent a considerable number amount of credit-hours in electronic hardware laboratories designing similar timers and clocks. In fact, in one of my courses and as a final project, I had to design a Very security system for a bank which used timers composed of the same electronic For these reasons, convincing! components that I will need for this design. From here, I feel well qualified and prepared to design the steaming timer. Don't forget that your familiarity with the restaurant is also an asset.

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Technical Writing: Student Samples and Teacher Responses

Why are balanced intervals SCHEDULE beneficial? as follows: over Time wise, I will spread my project on a well balanced-intervals of time which will be the following: s -March 9-23: Test different type of grains for their different steaming times. Try to Will you state these -March 23-30: Cost analysis of the device. really need -April 2-16: in parallel Design of the timer. two weeks form. -April 17-27: Write report, Revision. for this? CONCLUSION Good recap of the problem!

Cous-cous is a very popular dish that is offered in North Africa. It has been, for a long period of time, the typical dish for North Africans and the main attraction for their visitors. This dish is very complex in when it cames to the preparation. The most critical stage is the steaming of wheat grains. LA MAMA restaurant has to deal with this problem daily and in order to face the competition, the restaurant has to provide its best and finest specialty, Cous-cous, to its customers. In order to overcome the problem of steaming, I feel that my electronic timer would be of a of great benefit to the restaurant for a better quality of the dish, an easier method for reduction of all cooks, and a significant cut down on undesired expenditures. Sincerely yours, Don't forget to ask for permission to do the project

Mourad Slaoui.

Mourad – This looks like an interesting and "do-able" project, one that you are both well qualified and highly motivated to do. As a proposal, this paper does touch all the bases. The weakest section at this point is the schedule – remember that it is an important part of your argument that you can solve the problem. Another section to work on is the "approach" – you need to sort out your investigation of a new timing system from your plan for presenting your report. Finally, we will need to work on some stylistic and usage matters. Overall, you've done a good job presenting the problem and outlining a possible solution.

Not quite– the issue is the quality preparation.

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Davida Charney and Jack Selzer, Pennsylvania State University

Mourad Slaoui 472 East College Ave. Apt. # C5 State College, Pa.16801 March 9, 1990 Ms. Davida Charney 31 South Burrowes Bldg. University Park, Pa. 16802 Your sentences show real progress. Good! One of the oldest dishes in North Africa, and may be in the whole World, is But they aren't Cous-cous. This dish, about 3000 years old, was first introduced by the Berbers Bravo! which were the first inhabitants of North Africa. Over the years, Cous-cous became "there" yet. Can you go This does one of the most original treats in Tunisia as well as other North African countries. over this a good In fact, Cous-cous is now the traditional dish for all Tunisians and the first priority job of with your attraction for any visitor. "introducing" tutor, Being familiar with the complicated process for cooking Cous-cous, I decided –– (i.e., of sentence introducingto put my knowledge, as an electrical engineer, in practice by designing an by sentence? you & your electronic timer that will be of a great help to all Tunisian Chefs in preparing this famous dish. subject In this letter, I will acquaint you with the problem which I encountered in the & stating your aim. kitchen of my father’s restaurant called “LA MAMA”, located in Tunis, and best known for its Cous-cous. I will give you my approach to the report and a Much better description of my audience as well as a schedule for achieving the feasibility than your report. well, is it capitalized or not? previous assignment! PROBLEM AND SIGNIFICANCE Dear Ms. Charney:

I'm impressed The major step in cooking cous-cous is the steaming of very hard grains made that you out of wheat and called Cous-cous (that is where the dish gets the name from). did just This step relay only on the experience of the Chef. The steaming process has what we always been the major problem that cooks face in “LA MAMA” restaurant which is discussed expected to serve the finest Cous-cous in the city. this week–– The problem in steaming is simply time. Different grain sizes must have organize different steaming times that allow the grains to completely absorb the sauce segments added in the last step. In fact, when Cous-cous is slightly over-steamed, it gets into mushy with the sauce. But, if we do not reach the desired steaming level, we "beginnings, would have only hard grains in a sauce that would look like a soup. Both cases middles, are the nightmare of the Chef, the fear of the manager, and of course the and ends" dissatisfaction of the customer. Does the next LA MAMA restaurant tried to solve this problem first by completely depending section do on the experience of its Chefs but then realized that not all Chefs have necessarily the same enough experience to get the precise steaming time and consequently, human thing as error was a real disaster. Since then, the restaurant managing team decided to well?

This is an excellent sentence. See why?

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Technical Writing: Student Samples and Teacher Responses

A clear & specific technical problem. Good, I see. But what's your reader's equip the kitchen with manual timers. However, two major problems are specific associated with such timers. The first one is again human error; if the cook simply problem? forgets to set the timer “On” right before steaming, he would end up with an Remember –– undesired Cous-cous. The second problem deals with fact that manual timers are problems impractical in many cases. A large number of timers is needed because different are grains have different times and then no one seems to find them when they need problems them. Cooks are always looking for the timers, which are thrown all over the for kitchen especially during busy days. someone! The electronic timer that I wish to design, would put and end to any kind of timing problems in the steaming process. It would also eliminate the factor of human dependency and thus exclude human error from the process. This timer would be installed with the steamer and by simply pushing one button to select the desired precise time relative to the size of the grain, the steamer would be automatically tuned “On” and once the time is up the steamer will automatically shut “Off”. OK. But don't forget the communication part of the solution! What will you write? What will it enable your reader to do? APPROACH TO THE REPORT Be explicit. My report will be designated to the owner of “LA MAMA” restaurant, Mr. Ridha Slaoui, and the manager, Mr. Sami Makni. Having in mind that both of these people are mostly interested in the results, the cost, and the access as well as simplicity in the manipulation of the electronic timer, I will orient my report in a way These that would focus on the problem that the restaurant faces on a daily basis, the money wasted on thrown Cous-cous, and the radical change that the new timer will specific considerations give to any cook to steam the grains just right without depending on his seem quite experience. I will start the report by testing the precise times needed for the four different appropriate types of grain sizes (extra thin, thin, medium, and thick). These times would be the to your main external information that the timer needs and the controlling elements for the reader's accuracy of the device. Since my audience is not very technical, I will cover the circumstances. design details in a simple manner. I will start the cost analysis by investigating the But is cost of designing the timer and the cost of its implementation in the kitchen. By knowing the cost of wasted Cous-cous, I will be able to estimate the financial your report a benefit that the restaurant would get from the timer on a short-run as well as a longrecommendation run. The applicability of the device will be another main criteria in the report. I will report show how easy it is to install the timer and how simple it is to operate it. or a "how QUALIFICATIONS to" manual (or both)? Being a graduating student majoring in Electrical Engineering, I have had the Let's chance to take several electronic circuit design courses. I spent a considerable amount of credit-hours in electronic hardware laboratories designing similar timers discuss and clocks. In fact, in one of my courses and as a final project, I had to design a security system for a bank which used timers composed of the same electronic these components that I will need for this design. From here, I feel well qualified and prepared to design the steaming timer. questions Fine: quite persuasive

privately, OK?

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Davida Charney and Jack Selzer, Pennsylvania State University

SCHEDULE Time wise, I will spread my project on a well balanced intervals of time which will be the following: -March 9-23: Test different type of grains for their different steaming times. -March 23-30: Cost analysis of the device. -April 2-16: Design of the timer. -April 17-27: Write report, Revision. CONCLUSION Cous-cous is a very popular dish that is offered in North Africa. It has been, for a long period of time, the typical dish for North Africans and the main attraction for their visitors. This dish is very complex in when it cames to the preparation. The most critical stage is the steaming of wheat grains. LA MAMA restaurant has to deal with this problem daily and in order to face the competition, the restaurant has to provide its best and finest specialty, Cous-cous, to its customers. In order to overcome the problem of steaming, I feel that my electronic timer would be of a great benefit to the restaurant for a better quality of the dish, an easier method for all cooks, and a significant cut down on undesired expenditures. Sincerely yours, Can you "conclude" by doing more than summarizing? Address your reader directly (me), & your reader's needs.

Mourad Slaoui.

I'm very happy with the progress you're making in this course, Mourad. You seem to be picking up what we discuss in class, and you show steady progress at the sentence level. Of course, you still have a way to go, so keep meeting regularly with your tutor Sandy & working through that book I gave you. This proposal persuades me you're in good shape for your final project. A good topic. I've noted a few places to improve, however. And let's do discuss the question I raised on page two.

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Technical Writing: Student Samples and Teacher Responses

Analytical Report Description of Assignment We guide students through their writing of the analytical report assignment using the following materials: Formal Report Write the formal report that you described in your proposal memo. The report must define a problem, analyze the criteria for a satisfactory solution, propose one or more alternative solutions, and argue for the solution that satisfies the criteria best. The problem may involve a scientific, technical, or public policy issue that you are working on in your other courses, or it may be a new area that you are interested in. The solution to the problem may involve coming up with an original design or choosing between available alternatives. The Rhetorical Situation For the purposes of this report, you should find or invent a situation in which you are writing the report to a primary reader who has “commissioned” it and who has the authority to approve or reject your solution. So the primary goal of your report is to convince this reader to adopt your solution. The report may also have secondary audiences as well: for example, serving as a plan for the technical staff who will implement the solution and as a historical record of the decision-making process for future readers. The problem situation may be real or imaginary. A real situation is one that you have actually encountered; it might involve a former employer, the university, your major department, a service group to which you belong, your home town, or State College. An imaginary situation is one that you create to simulate the kinds of situations in which you might find yourself on the job. In either case, you should assume that some employer or sponsor has authorized you to use your specialized training to analyze some problem or question and recommend a solution. In the past, students have prepared reports with titles such as these: • Fused Fiber Couplers: A New Method of Production to Improve Quality and Reduce Cost. • Crystal Hemolysis Assay: A Rapid, Accurate and Inexpensive Alternative for Determining the Toxicity of a Bacterial Pesticide • Improving the Efficiency of the Telephone System in the Office Administration Department: A Recommendation Report • Should Penn State Build an Aquarium?

Davida Charney and Jack Selzer, Pennsylvania State University

• Computer Simulations of DNA: New Frontiers in Pharmaceutical Design • The Feasibility of Automating a USMC Administrative Office to Decrease Paperwork Time • An Importance-Performance Analysis of the University Health Services Women’s Health Department • Recommendation for an Automated Recycling System for Centre County • Weighted Contours: An Aesthetically More Desirable Alternative to Labeled Contours in Topographic Maps • Recommendation for the Improvement of the Scholarship Program for the Gamma Phi Chapter of the Fraternity of Phi Gamma Delta • Absence of Octamer Binding Protein-II in Human g-globin Promoter Enchances g-globin Transcription Requirements of the Report Audience and style. Your report should be written directly to a person within your real or hypothetical situation who has the authority to decide whether to accept your recommendations. Your tone should be appropriate to the situation—in most cases, it will be fairly formal. Body of report. All reports should introduce a problem, analyze criteria for a solution, evaluate at least one solution against the criteria and recommend the best solution. See the Outline for Arguments of Feasibility for one organizational plan for this information. There are several acceptable variations on this framework that will be discussed in class. Front and end matter. Your report should include, as appropriate, a letter (or memo) of transmittal, title page, executive summary or abstract, table of contents, tables, figures, references, appendices. Length. The text of the report (excluding front and end matter) should be 6-8 double-spaced pages.

Explanation of Commentary The final assignment in our course—an ambitious recommendation report—is meant to be a sort of final examination. Since its length and complexity often call into action all the principles and tactics covered in the course, it in fact tests whether the student has learned everything that we have tried to teach—everything from resourcefulness in the writing process to audience adaptation, from page design to effective tables and graphs, from appropriate arrangement to effective sentencing. Of course, this assignment also introduces some new topics particularly important in lengthy formal writing: the

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Technical Writing: Student Samples and Teacher Responses

letter of transmittal, title page, tables of contents, executive summary, and so on. Hence two sorts of comments are in evidence on the student report by Joe Auteri. First, there are comments that assess the student’s mastery of the variety of matters covered in the course: sentence effectiveness (in the letter of transmittal); problems with the tables (see pages 4 and 5); the student’s ability to organize subsections around clear beginnings, middles, and ends; and so forth. Second, there are comments about the report as a report. We both comment on the formal characteristics of the report—on how satisfactory the abstract and table of contents are, for instance. And we both address the persuasiveness of the argument—on, for example, the appropriateness of the criteria used to evaluate the options under discussion, or on the evidence marshaled in support of those criteria. Like all assignments, the formal report as a genre calls for special kinds of argumentation. In particular, we use this assignment to discuss the ethical and political issues surrounding the recommendation of a solution to a problem: dealing with bad news (such as when no alternative satisfies the criteria), dealing with hostile audiences (such as when one audience faction favors a rejected alternative), and dealing with inertia (such as sheer resistance to change). The latter is an issue in the case of Joe’s report; the lack of a compelling statement of the problem in the letter and the summary may allow readers to dismiss the report before they even reach the introduction. In fact, to us our comments on the report look fairly “typical” of teacher comments on technical writing. Our comments probably agree with each other more in this instance than in the others. As such they probably define some kind of a norm against which to measure our performance on the other assignments.

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Davida Charney and Jack Selzer, Pennsylvania State University

Joseph A. Auteri 801 B-6 Southgate Drive State College, PA 16801 April 27, 1990

Mr. Blair T. Edward Production Manager Standard Steel Burnham, PA 16508 Salutation? Enclosed is my report “Improving Accuracy and Efficiency in Steel Temperature Monitoring: Optical Thermometers,"as you requested. I have researched a way 1 Say more for Standard Steel to improve temperature monitoring during steel production. A about the problem which has cost the company both time and money. The report contains nature of an assessment of alternative solutions, including thermocouples, conventional the problem. optical pyrometers, and optical thermometers. Thermocouples and conventional 2 This is not optical pyrometers are the current techniques used at Standard Steel. The report a complete also contains a recommendation for the most effective solution. sentence. To evaluate and compare the possible solutions, I established several criteria, including accuracy, efficiency, and feasibility. In this report, I present the evaluation and recommend that Standard adopt optical thermometers as a means of measuring steel temperature during production. Optical thermometers are by far the most accurate and efficient means of temperature monitoring. If you have any questions or would like to discuss my recommendation further, please feel free to contact me. Sincerely

Joseph A. Auteri This letter basically does the job – you mention problem, method, results, and you "transmit" the report. Two aspects could be stronger – 1 The problem (or opportunity) doesn't seem very compelling– make Edward eager to read the report! 2. You're shifting back and forth between talking about the report (see underlines) and your investigation. That leads to a rough glitch between 1 and 2. Try sorting out these topics separately.

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Technical Writing: Student Samples and Teacher Responses

IMPROVING ACCURACY AND EFFICIENCY IN STEEL TEMPERATURE MONITORING; OPTICAL THERMOMETERS

Submitted to:

Blair T. Edward Production Manager Standard Steel

Submitted by:

Joseph A. Auteri Resource Management

Department Standard Steel

April 27, 1990

OK

Davida Charney and Jack Selzer, Pennsylvania State University

TABLE OF CONTENTS

ExecutiveSummary...............................................................................................i Introduction..........................................................................................................1 Description of Criteria .........................................................................................2 Criterion #1: Accuracy.......................................................................................2 Can you make these headings parallel?

Criterion #2: Efficiency.......................................................................................2 Criterion #3: Feasibility.....................................................................................3 How Each Technique Filled Each Criterion..........................................................4 Criterion #1: Accuracy.......................................................................................4 Criterion #2: Efficiency.......................................................................................5 Criterion #3: Feasibility.....................................................................................6 Conclusion and Recommendation.......................................................................6 References................................................................................................................7

TABLES Use full titles here

Table 1: Percent Tolerance.....................................................................................4 Table 2: Percent Efficiency of Monitoring Devices..............................................5 This ToC is OK in form but not very informative or distinctive to the content of your report. Try to deepen it and add more key terms to the headings so that this can almost serve as a summary or outline.

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EXECUTIVE SUMMARY

You switch from Standard Steel has been a world-wide manufacturer of specialty steel singular to plural here. How forgings for over the past fifty years. For Standard to maintain their high level of can you set this up to quality and competitiveness in steel production, they need accurate temperature sound more like an monitors. Inaccuracies in monitoring the temperature of steel molding and insider? forming may cause defects due to expansion and contraction of the material. Of course this leads to poor quality in the final product. several Too informal There are a couple of ways to handle this problem. These include the current methods of monitoring temperature at Standard, conventional optical pyrometers and the use of thermocouples. Another option, optical thermometers, mismatched number have been introduced to the industry. The acceptable solution must sufficiently meet three requirements: it has to be accurate, efficient, and feasible. The only solution which effectively met all three criteria was the optical thermometer. Although cost of implementation may be a little high at first, its accuracy will help pay for itself within the first month of production. Optical thermometers are the solution monitoring accuracy problem at Standard Steel, and we should invest in it. This is a nice concise summary. However the problem still doesn't seem compelling – beef up the first to show what's wrong with the current methods.

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Davida Charney and Jack Selzer, Pennsylvania State University

INTRODUCTION

Standard Steel is a world-wide manufacturer of specialty steel forgings used in aerospace, transportation, defense, and industrial applications. With the

Good shared goals.

sharp decrease of steel production in the United States, it is imperative that Standard maintain a high level of quality in order to remain competitive with the foreign market. Not to do so could mean an eventual closing of the Burnham plant. In order to maintain these high levels of quality and competitiveness, Standard needs temperature monitors which are accurate and efficient. Inaccuracies during molding and forming cause at least 35% of the annual wasted products due to defects at Standard Steel. This is a problem that should be and can be greatly reduced. Right now, Standards’ methods for monitoring temperature during steel forming are conventional optical pyrometers and the use of thermocouples. Both of these methods are efficient enough, but neither is very effective in acquiring an accurate temperature. In the long run, both time and money are wasted with product deficiencies, not to mention the decrease in competitiveness, that are a result of this problem. Approximately two hundred man hours and over $100,000

Now this is a strong problem statement! It might be even stronger if you move the detail on inaccuracy to the middle of the 2nd paragraph to combine topics.

is lost annually just at the Burnham plant alone. The goal of this report is to see if optical thermometers are the best solution to assessing this problem for Standard Steel. The investigation involved all three techniques

This sounds too abrupt – against three different criteria. They are: accuracy, efficiency, and feasibility. The what are Good optical report is divided into three different sections. The first section details the criteria, preview! thermometers and the second section shows how each alternative fulfilled each of the criteria. In and why are they a addition, the report contains a conclusion and recommendation section. This plausible section details why I believe Standard Steel should adopt optical thermometers as solution? the technique for monitoring temperature in order to keep us competitive. -1-

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Technical Writing: Student Samples and Teacher Responses

DESCRIPTION OF CRITERIA Use a colon (:) before a list, not a semi-colon (;) This section details each of the criteria established; accuracy, efficiency, and Another nice feasibility. In each description you will find why each criterion is important to preview. Standard Steel and also the specific requirements of each criterion. Avoid "you" in formal reports. Note – you had "they" earlier.

CRITERION #1: Accuracy

In order to produce good quality steel products, the temperature must remain as close as possible to the calculated and desired temperature in each process. Temperatures which are higher or lower cause undesired expansion and contraction, respectively, of the steel during molding and forming. Steel production temperatures range from 500 degrees celsius to 2500 degrees celsius. The Department of Transportation, an agency which Standard associates with Can you be more specific here? regularly, has established a 10% tolerance for temperature monitoring in order to The US Gov't is not just control expansion and contraction of the steel they use. Most other industries another associate. accept this as an adequate range. However, with the new age of accuracy in Good point.technology, and with more industries taking advantage of this accuracy, we should expect this tolerance to decrease in the near future. Therefore an acceptable tolerance for accuracy should be plus/minus 5%.

CRITERION #2: Efficiency This criterion examines how much it costs or would cost Standard to use each alternative device around the clock each day. It also compares usage cost with the amount of money which is lost to defects due to inaccuracies in temperature

-2-

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Davida Charney and Jack Selzer, Pennsylvania State University

monitoring. Although these two costs are important by themselves, the ratio of This sounds these two factors will prove as the real measure of efficiency. Efficiency is very reasonable. do not important because we obviously don’t want to spend more than we are saving. Too informal

The optimum efficiency is of course 100%, and this will be used as a comparison level. The higher the efficiency the better.

CRITERION #3: Feasibility If we are interested in optical thermometers, then we need to consider their feasibility. This criterion does not apply to thermocouples and conventional optical pyrometers since they are already incorporated at Standard Steel. Feasibility includes start-up costs, repair and replacement costs, and manpower costs. It This should be plural

also includes non-monetary criterion, such as ease of installation and ease of learning and operation.

Feasibility is imperative since buying cost, shutdowns for

installation and repair and lost time for training or the hiring of extra manpower could prove more costly than it is worth. To evaluate feasibility, the respective

Than what is worth?

costs will be compared in monetary units and the installation, training, and ease of operation will be compared in units of time. Acceptable monetary figures should lower than be under the amount lost each year to defects caused by inaccuracies in molding and forming. This calculates to approximately $35,000 annually at the Burnham plant. Installation must be rapid since the plant operates around the clock. An installation time of four hours would only cost Standard one-sixth of its daily furnace production. Since two methods are already established at Standard, training should not take up more than an eight hour shift. Usage of the device should be under the five minutes which is the standard for the devices in use presently.

-3-

Good use of details here!

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Technical Writing: Student Samples and Teacher Responses

HOW EACH DEVICE FILLED EACH CRITERIA CRITERION #1: Accuracy This sounds a another In the description of the criteria, we stated that the device must be able to bit clunky. new Can you measure the temperature accurately. We established a tolerance of plus/minus five voice? reestablish the percent to be sufficient. Table 1 illustrates the percent of tolerance given by the criterion respective manufacturer for Texas Instrument Model 2010 thermocouple, the more directly? Mikron M77 optical pyrometer, and the Accufiber 100C optical thermometer. Both the TI thermocouple and the Mikron pyrometer are in use at Standard currently.

Make this even more informative. What's TABLE 1: PERCENT TOLERANCE OF TEMPERATURE MEASUREMENTS being compared PERCENT TOLERANCE here? TEMP (C) TI 2010 MIKRON M77 ACCUFIBER This heading should 100C describe the 500 12% 7% 0.5% columns – i.e., 1000 10% 5% 0.2% monitoring 1500 10% 5% 0.2% 2000 12% 6% 0.2% devices. 2500 14% 6% 0.2% It sure looks that way to me! As the table clearly indicates, the Accufiber 100C is superior in accuracy at all the temperature ranges. Although the Accufiber model is used here, it is only an example of the optical fibers on the market today. Every model available has tolerance ranges comparable to the Accufiber model. This astonishing accuracy is number of course the state of the art, and falls well within the five percent criterion established. Accuracy of this magnitude could reduce the amount of defects due to inaccuracies in molding and forming from 35% to a mere .07%, saving approximately all ?$35,000 per year at Burnham plant. This type of accuracy could

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Davida Charney and Jack Selzer, Pennsylvania State University

-4put Standard Steel on the leading edge and leave us with not much room for

I don't follow you here??

improvement.

CRITERION #2: Efficiency It was established in the description of the criteria that efficiency would be the ratio of usage cost over total cost, which included monitoring defects costs plus usage costs. Table 2 details all three of these parameters for the respective

Why change models used in criterion one. the orientation TABLE 2: PERCENT EFFICIENCY OF MONITORING DEVICES ?!? DEVICE USAGE COST (day) DEFECT COST (day) EFFICIENCY I just got used to TI 2010 $12.50 $47.95 20.8% Table 1! MIKRON M77 $17.00 $47.95 26.1% ACCUFIBER 100C $27.40 $ .10 98.8% the To approximate the usage cost per 24 hour day, assumptions were made of

What is the base price? cost to run the device and the manpower cost to monitor the device. For the How many optical thermometer (100C), the base price was included in the calculation since it are needed? Can you would have to be purchased. The other two devices were assumed to be paid for. break down the costs The defect cost was calculated by dividing the money lost per year from further?

inaccuracies in temperature monitoring during molding and forming by 365 days Nice argument. per year. As the table shows, the optical thermometer is virtually flawless and completely overshadows the current methods used currently at Standard Steel in the efficiency category. While the usage cost per day may seem high compared to the current devices, this value will decrease as the optical thermometer begins to pay for itself. Even so, the efficiency is so close to the optimum, that it is worth the extra cost in the long run.

-5-

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Technical Writing: Student Samples and Teacher Responses

This again sounds clunky. Why not – "This criterion CRITERION #3: Feasibility only applies to x In defining this criterion, it was stated that this only applied to the optical because y ..." thermometer since the other two alternatives are already in use at Standard. The figures for this criterion were provided by Accufiber. According to their figures, the optical thermometers cost in a range from $3,500 for the individual gun to $50,000 for a mainframe computer system. Each option however is accurate to the same degree. Accufibers devices are under full warranty for five years and seldom malfunction. Most problems occur because of integrated circuit (IC) burnouts but these which can be replaced readily. weak verb

Training is done by the installation team and takes between one to four hours depending on the system being installed, and the plant need not be shut down for installation. This is well within the criterion established. The time it takes to get a reading also depends on the system. The range here is from thirty seconds to fifty readings per second. This again is well within the criterion.

CONCLUSION AND RECOMMENDATION Great Inaccuracies in temperature measurements are costing Standard Steel tens restatement of the of thousands of dollars each year, not to mention the loss of quality and problem! competitiveness in a struggling U.S. market. Standard must take action now to sp correct these inaccuracies and maintain there competitive edge not only in the U.S. market, but also the world market. From the research conducted here and the results which developed, it is obvious that optical thermometers are a definite step in the right direction. They proved superior to the thermocouple and the conventional optical pyrometer in both accuracy and efficiency. For steel industrial applications where precise temperature control is essential, optical thermometers, with their ability to perform

-6-

77

Davida Charney and Jack Selzer, Pennsylvania State University

accurately and efficiently in harsh operating environments make them the system of choice. I firmly recommend that Standard Steel adopt optical thermometers to resolve the problem of temperature monitoring inaccuracies and help get us back to being one of the best names in specialty steel forgings. REFERENCES Accufiber Technical Notes: Accufiber Inc; pp. 8-14. – date? Ircon Technical Notes, “Introduction to Infrared Thermometry”: Ircon, Inc. 1985, pp. 1-8. Milron Technical Notes: Mikron Instrument Company Inc.; pp. 1-7. – date? Texas Instruments Linear Data Book: 1985 Texas Instruments Inc. Volume 3, pp. 3-123-3-132.

?

Joe – This is really a pretty good report! The section on criteria lays out your assumptions explicitly; your analysis there and in the results seems reasonable and well supported by your data. Generally, the report was accessible and well organized – though the headings should have been more informative and the previews could be smoother. There were two areas that need work. First, you should work on making the problem more compelling in the early sections – even if your solution is great, no one will read it if they don't think there's something to solve. Second, you never really found a comfortable voice – sometimes you talked about Standard as they, as you, and as we. We might be best. Overall nice job!

check format

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Technical Writing: Student Samples and Teacher Responses

Joseph A. Auteri 801 B-6 Southgate Drive State College, PA 16801 April 27, 1990

Mr. Blair T. Edward Production Manager Standard Steel Burnham, PA 16508 Dear Mr. E

thereby better? ? solving why? you requested on the Enclosed is my report "Improving Accuracy and Efficiency in Steel Temperature Monitoring: Optical Thermometers." as you requested. I have researched a way for Standard Steel to improve temperature monitoring during steel production. A problem which has cost the company both time and money. The report contains an assesses combine? assessment of alternative solutions, including thermocouples, conventional optical pyrometers, and optical thermometers. Thermocouples and conventional optical pyrometers are the current techniques used at Standard Steel. The report also contains a recommendation for the most effective solution. applied? To evaluate and compare the possible solutions, I established several criteria, including accuracy, efficiency, and feasibility. In this report, I present the evaluation and recommend that Standard adopt optical thermometers as a means of measuring steel temperature during production. Optical thermometers are by far the most accurate and efficient means of temperature monitoring. If you have any questions or would like to discuss my recommendation further, please feel free to contact me. Sincerely

Joseph A. Auteri

A solid letter of transmittal... though I don't see that you're applying the sentencing techniques we've been discussing...

Davida Charney and Jack Selzer, Pennsylvania State University

IMPROVING ACCURACY AND EFFICIENCY IN STEEL TEMPERATURE MONITORING; OPTICAL THERMOMETERS

Submitted to:

Blair T. Edward Production Manager Standard Steel

Submitted by:

Joseph A. Auteri Resource Management

Department Standard Steel

April 27, 1990

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Technical Writing: Student Samples and Teacher Responses

? TABLE OF CONTENTS

ExecutiveSummary...............................................................................................i ii Introduction..........................................................................................................1 Description of Criteria .........................................................................................2 Criterion #1: Accuracy.......................................................................................2 Criterion #2: Efficiency.......................................................................................2 Criterion #3: Feasibility.....................................................................................3 How Each Technique Filled Each Criterion..........................................................4 Criterion #1: Accuracy.......................................................................................4 Criterion #2: Efficiency.......................................................................................5 Criterion #3: Feasibility.....................................................................................6 Conclusion and Recommendation.......................................................................6 References................................................................................................................7

TABLES Table 1: Percent Tolerance.....................................................................................4 Table 2: Percent Efficiency of Monitoring Devices..............................................5

Consistency? P.S. Look at the "titles" for these figures: a sign that the tables aren't self-sufficient?

?

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Davida Charney and Jack Selzer, Pennsylvania State University

EXECUTIVE SUMMARY

We? (It's hard to write as a member of a company when you're actually a student, eh?

Standard Steel has been a world-wide manufacturer of specialty steel forgings for over the past fifty years. For Standard to maintain their high level of quality and competitiveness in steel production, they need accurate temperature monitors. Inaccuracies in monitoring the temperature of steel molding and forming may cause defects due to expansion and contraction of the material. Of course this leads to poor quality in the final product.

=two.

But you have three...

There are a couple of ways to handle this problem. These include the current methods of monitoring temperature at Standard, conventional optical pyrometers and the use of thermocouples. Another option, optical thermometers, has have been introduced to the industry. The acceptable solution must sufficiently meet three requirements: it has to be accurate, efficient, and feasible. The only solution which effectively met all three criteria was the optical costly thermometer. Although cost of implementation may be a little high at first, its the

of the OT accuracy will help pay for itself within the first month of production. to the Optical thermometers are the solution monitoring accuracy problem at Standard Steel, and we should invest in it.

Your summary "fits" the report well –– very solid

Want to say anything (here & in the Discussion Component) about your "methods" of studying the alternatives? Where did the criteria come from?

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Technical Writing: Student Samples and Teacher Responses

INTRODUCTION

In gen'l, a sound intro –– all the "components" are here. (But are they here in enough detail?)

Standard Steel is a world-wide manufacturer of specialty steel forgings

drop?

used in aerospace, transportation, defense, and industrial applications. With the sharp decrease of steel production in the United States, it is imperative that Standard maintain a high level of quality in order to remain competitive with the foreign market. Not to do so could mean an eventual closing of the Burnham plant. In order to maintain these high levels of quality and competitiveness, Standard needs temperature monitors which are accurate and efficient.

Can you put a Inaccuracies during molding and forming cause at least 35% of the annual wasted dollar figure on products due to defects at Standard Steel. This is a problem that should be and that? can be greatly reduced. (Or leave it for next Right now, Standards’ methods for monitoring temperature during steel ?) forming are conventional optical pyrometers and the use of thermocouples. Both generally of these methods are efficient enough, but neither is very effective in acquiring an accurate temperature. In the long run, both time and money are wasted with product deficiencies, not to mention the decrease in competitiveness, that are a result of this problem. Approximately two hundred man hours and over $100,000 is lost annually just at the Burnham plant alone.

Is that all you want to say The goal of this report is to see if optical thermometers are the best solution to about your measuring method? this problem for Standard Steel. The investigation involved all three techniques Defend & against three different criteria. They are: accuracy, efficiency, and feasibility. The explain where your Clear report is divided into three different sections. The first section details the criteria, numbers aim & forecastand the second section shows how each alternative fulfilled each of the criteria. In come from (here or in addition, the report contains a conclusion and recommendation section. This a "methods" which section section details why I believe Standard Steel should adopt optical thermometers as below)? the technique for monitoring temperature in order to keep us competitive. -1- in OK. But can (should?) you be more specific detailing the problem with the status quo? Really create your exigency!

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Davida Charney and Jack Selzer, Pennsylvania State University

Good intro to subsection! Bravo! (Do that for your next segment too?)

DESCRIPTION OF CRITERIA

:

This section details each of the criteria established; accuracy, efficiency, and feasibility. In each description you will find why each criterion is important to Standard Steel and also the specific requirements of each criterion.

CRITERION #1: Accuracy

In order to produce good quality steel products, the temperature must remain as close as possible to the calculated and desired temperature in each process. than what? Temperatures which are higher or lower cause undesired expansion and contraction, respectively, of the steel during molding and forming. Steel production temperatures range from 500 degrees celsius to 2500 degrees celsius. The Department of Transportation, an agency which Standard associates with regularly, has established a 10% tolerance for temperature monitoring in order to control expansion and contraction of the steel they use. Most other industries accept this as an adequate range. However, with the new age of accuracy in technology, and with more industries taking advantage of this accuracy, we should expect this tolerance to decrease in the near future. Therefore an acceptable tolerance for accuracy should be plus/minus 5%. Is this a powerful enough justification for the 5% level? Justify/argue for your criteria, CRITERION #2: Efficiency rather than "presenting" them? This criterion examines how much it costs or would cost Standard to use each alternative device around the clock each day. It also compares usage cost with the amount of money which is lost to defects due to inaccuracies in temperature

-2-

Do the sentences in this go in the best order? Gen'l specific? Or what?

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Technical Writing: Student Samples and Teacher Responses

monitoring. Although these two costs are important by themselves, the ratio of to be these two factors will prove as the real measure of efficiency. Efficiency is

Is it clear why you use this ratio? important because we obviously don’t want to spend more than we are saving. Clarify the The optimum efficiency is of course 100%, and this will be used as a comparison explanation a bit? level. The higher the efficiency the better.

CRITERION #3: Feasibility

best term for what you mean?

If we are interested in optical thermometers, then we need to consider their

Again – feasibility. This criterion does not apply to thermocouples and conventional optical I wonder about the order of pyrometers since they are already incorporated at Standard Steel. Feasibility your includes start-up costs, repair and replacement costs, and manpower costs. It sentences. Do you want also includes non-monetary criterion, such as ease of installation and ease of all this in ? learning and operation. Feasibility is imperative since buying cost, shutdowns for one Whoops! (Gen'l sorry installation and repair and lost time for training or the hiring of extra manpower specific?) they are DM? hmmm... could prove more costly than it is worth. To evaluate feasibility, the respective costs will be compared in monetary units and the installation, training, and ease of operation will be compared in units of time. Acceptable monetary figures should be under the amount lost each year to defects caused by inaccuracies in molding and forming. This calculates to approximately $35,000 annually at the Burnham plant. Installation must be rapid since the plant operates around the clock. An installation time of four hours would only cost Standard one-sixth of its daily furnace production. Since two methods are already established at Standard, training should not take up more than an eight hour shift. Usage of the device should be under the five minutes which is the standard for the devices in use presently. ** HMM...Seems like you're "loading" the criteria to favor your -3preferred solution (OT)!! Where did these criteria come from?

Does this agree with your introduction?

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Davida Charney and Jack Selzer, Pennsylvania State University

Add intro? HOW EACH DEVICE FILLED EACH CRITERIA CRITERION #1: Accuracy In the description of the criteria, W we stated that the device must be able to --to measure the temperature accurately. We established a tolerance of plus/minus five percent to be sufficient. Table 1 illustrates the percent of tolerance given by the respective manufacturer for Texas Instrument Model 2010 thermocouple, the Mikron M77 optical pyrometer, and the Accufiber 100C optical thermometer. Both the TI thermocouple and the Mikron pyrometer are in use at Standard currently. 1

Is this tableTABLE 1: PERCENT TOLERANCE OF TEMPERATURE MEASUREMENTS self-sufficient? PERCENT TOLERANCE 2 TEMP (C)

TI 2010

100C 500 1000 1500 2000 2500

12% 10% 10% 12% 14%

MIKRON M77

ACCUFIBER

7% 5% 5% 6% 6%

0.5% 0.2% 0.2% 0.2% 0.2%

Why not arrange the devices on the other axis, as you did for Table Two? Ease? Consistency? Dependent vs. independent variables?

As the table clearly indicates, the Accufiber 100C is superior in accuracy at all the temperature ranges. Although the Accufiber model is used here, it is only an example of the optical fibers on the market today. Every model available has tolerance ranges comparable to the Accufiber model. This astonishing accuracy is of course the state of the art, and falls well within the five percent criterion established. Accuracy of this magnitude could reduce the amount of defects due to inaccuracies in molding and forming from 35% to a mere .07%, saving approximately all $35,000 per year at Burnham plant. This type of accuracy could

-4-

* EVIDENCE ?? *

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Technical Writing: Student Samples and Teacher Responses

put Standard Steel on the leading edge and leave us with not much room for improvement.

CRITERION #2: Efficiency It was established in the description of the criteria that efficiency would be the ratio of usage cost over total cost, which included monitoring defects costs plus usage costs. Table 2 details all three of these parameters for the respective models used in criterion one. TABLE 2: PERCENT EFFICIENCY OF MONITORING DEVICES DEVICE

USAGE COST (day)

DEFECT COST (day)

EFFICIENCY

TI 2010

$12.50

$47.95

20.8%

MIKRON M77

$17.00

$47.95

26.1%

ACCUFIBER 100C

$27.40

$

.10

98.8% HMM... Shouldn't To approximate the usage cost per 24 hour day, assumptions were made of it be in your next cost to run the device and the manpower cost to monitor the device. For the section optical thermometer (100C), the base price was included in the calculation since it ("Feasibility") ? would have to be purchased. The other two devices were assumed to be paid for. The defect cost was calculated by dividing the money lost per year from Don't they inaccuracies in temperature monitoring during molding and forming by 365 days depreciate? Wear out? per year. As the table shows, the optical thermometer is virtually flawless and completely overshadows the current methods used currently at Standard Steel in the efficiency category. While the usage cost per day may seem high compared to the current devices, this value will decrease as the optical thermometer begins to pay for itself. Even so, the efficiency is so close to the optimum, that it is worth the extra cost in the long run. Again, is this something for the -5- next section?

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Davida Charney and Jack Selzer, Pennsylvania State University

1 CRITERION #3: Feasibility

Slow down! 2

Details? Beginning, middle, end? 3

Add stuff from previous section?

In defining this criterion, it was stated that this only applied to the optical

thermometer since the other two alternatives are already in use at Standard. The figures for this criterion were provided by Accufiber. According to their figures, the optical thermometers cost in a range from $3,500 for the individual gun to $50,000 for a mainframe computer system. Each option however is accurate to the same degree. Accufibers devices are under full warranty for five years and seldom malfunction. Most problems occur because of integrated circuit (IC) burnouts which can be replaced readily. Training is done by the installation team and takes between one to four hours depending on the system being installed, and the plant need not be shut down for installation. This is well within the criterion established. The time it takes to get a reading also depends on the system. The range here is from thirty seconds to fifty readings per second. This again is well within the criterion. Wouldn't that consist of a summary of the CONCLUSION AND RECOMMENDATION costs/benefits of all Inaccuracies in temperature measurements are costing Standard Steel tens three options ? of thousands of dollars each year, not to mention the loss of quality and competitiveness in a struggling U.S. market. Standard must take action now to correct these inaccuracies and maintain there competitive edge not only in the U.S. market, but also the world market. From the research conducted here and the results which developed, it is obvious that optical thermometers are a definite step in the right direction. They proved superior to the thermocouple and the conventional optical pyrometer in both accuracy and efficiency. For steel industrial applications where precise temperature control is essential, optical thermometers, with their ability to perform

-6-

Then give recs?

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Technical Writing: Student Samples and Teacher Responses

therefore accurately and efficiently in harsh operating environments make them the system of choice. I firmly recommend that Standard Steel adopt optical thermometers to resolve the problem of temperature monitoring inaccuracies and help get us back to being one of the best names in specialty steel forgings. REFERENCES Accufiber Technical Notes: Accufiber Inc; pp. 8-14. Ircon Technical Notes, “Introduction to Infrared Thermometry”: Ircon, Inc. 1985, pp. 1-8. Milron Technical Notes: Mikron Instrument Company Inc.; pp. 1-7. Texas Instruments Linear Data Book: 1985 Texas Instruments Inc. Volume 3, pp. 3-123-3-132. 1

Yes, but integrate with your 2 narrative. Is it clear where you "refer to " these?

Reference info is incomplete & not correctly formatted. Which style guide are you following?

This is a respectable report, Joe. Certainly you've devised a solid skeleton: good 2-part structure; good intro/body/ conclusion; a reasonable argument that emerges from criteria. However, can you put a little more meat on these bones? (You give the impression that you had your mind made up for option #3 before making your inquiry.) And can you apply the sentencing techniques we've discussed? Finally, I don't see that you changed much from your rough drafts. Revision is more than a cleanup, remember!!

-7-

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Debra Journet, University of Louisville

Chapter 2

The Commentary of Debra Journet University of Louisville

Debra Journet is an Associate Professor of English at the University of Louisville. She has taught technical writing at the graduate and undergraduate levels for the past fifteen years at various institutions, including the University of Louisville, Penn State University, Louisiana State University (where she directed the technical writing program), Clemson University, and Texas A&M University. In addition, she has taught numerous undergraduate composition and literature courses and has taught graduate courses in technical writing pedagogy, in theory and research of technical and scientific discourse, as well as in theory and research in rhetoric and composition. She also worked as a technical writer and editor at the Cyclotron Institute at Texas A&M University. Journet’s research focuses on the relation of scientific writing to rhetorical and literary theory, and she has also published work on technical writing pedagogy. Her research has appeared in such journals as Written Communication, Journal of Technical Writing and Communication, IEEE Transactions on Professional Communication, and The Technical Writing Teacher. In addition, she has coauthored a technical writing textbook, Readings for Technical Writers, and coedited a collection of bibliographical essays, Research in Technical Communication: A Bibliographic Sourcebook.

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Technical Writing: Student Samples and Teacher Responses

Letter of Application and Résumé

Description of Assignment I give students the following memo regarding this assignment: TO:

English 303 Participants

FROM:

Debra Journet

RE:

Letter of Application and Résumé

Your next assignment is to write a letter and résumé applying for a job. This memo outlines the assignment requirements, the schedule you’ll follow, and criteria on which your documents will be evaluated. Assignments Requirements You should first find a job you feel ready to apply for. This can be a position you hope to assume on graduation, a summer or part-time job, or an internship. But please note that I want you to apply for a specific and real job. (If you have difficulty locating an appropriate job in the next few days, see me.) This means you may need to do some research, either to find a job or to find out more about an advertised opening (e.g., what does this job entail? what is the company or organization like? how will they process your application?). You will then prepare a letter and résumé for this job. Your application packet should take into account the general principles we’ll discuss in class, as well as any specific requirements your ad or notice indicates. For this assignment, you will hand in to me a copy of the ad or job notice, any notes you have about the position, the drafts critiqued in the rough draft workshop, and the final draft of your letter and résumé. Schedule You should try to identify an appropriate position as soon as possible. A rough draft will be due for workshop on February 1. Your final draft will be due to me February 4. Evaluation Criteria Your letter and résumé will be evaluated according to the following criteria: Résumé: 1. Does the résumé contain all the necessary information? Is the material

Debra Journet, University of Louisville

included appropriate to the position and likely to persuade the readers? 2. Are skills and qualifications clearly and fully presented? 3. Is the format of the résumé clear and easy to follow? 4. Is the résumé free from mechanical errors? Letter: 1. Does the letter contain appropriate information? 2. Is the letter geared to this job? Does it make clear that the candidate’s qualifications are suited to the employer’s needs? 3. Is the style concise and direct (i.e., not “wordy”). 4. Is the letter free from mechanical errors?

Explanation of Commentary I do most of my commentary (as I do most of my writing) now on the computer. I shifted to the computer because I found I can write more quickly—and because my handwriting has become almost illegible. Using the computer also allows me to “boilerplate” certain comments that I find myself making over and over again (about things like format and mechanics), but it also lets me “personalize” those comments by incorporating examples from the text under consideration. In addition, I’ve found that students take my wordprocessed comments more seriously than they did my handwritten ones; I think this is because they look more “official” and are more legible. The letter of application and résumé have always been my first assignment in technical writing classes because they allow me to highlight rhetorical issues of audience and purpose in a way that is immediate to students. I also use this assignment to begin talking about designing formats that allow readers to access information easily. Thus, my comments tend to focus on these issues, as well as on some of the details of job applications. My comments on this assignment tend to be fairly lengthy because this is the first time students and I really talk about a piece of their writing. But composing lengthy comments is somewhat easier for me because I typically only have one writing class a semester. The letter and résumé included here by Margaret (Peg) O’Neil strike me as pretty good in format and style. I wanted to let the writer know, straight off, that I was impressed with the professionalism with which these documents were put together. I also wanted to emphasize the strengths I saw in the résumé, particularly the detail she had offered and the care she had taken in arranging the information so it was easy to follow. But I also wanted Ms. O’Neil to think more carefully about the rhetorical situation in which she was

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Technical Writing: Student Samples and Teacher Responses

working. We had discussed in class the need to tailor the letter to the job, both by demonstrating familiarity with the company and by showing how the writer’s background qualifies her for that particular job. It seemed to me that Ms. O’Neil accomplished the first objective but could have done more with the second. I tried to indicate this to her and to make that point by reminding her of the rhetorical principles we were just beginning to consider. I had also begun talking in class about how hierarchical organization and context help readers make sense of information, particularly in introductory statements. We had considered these qualities in connection with job letters and had looked at several examples that opened more conventionally (i.e., with a statement announcing this letter was an application in response to the specifics of the job notice, etc.). Though I didn’t mind that Ms. O’Neil used an unconventional opening, I did want her to consider how this opening delayed the reader’s understanding of the letter’s purpose. Because there were very few mechanical errors in this letter and résumé, I felt I could comment on a couple of minor matters that I would probably have omitted in a less polished example.

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Debra Journet, University of Louisville

416 Gwendolyn Street Louisville, Kentucky 40203 February 4, 1991

Walt Disney World Company Professional Staffing P.O. Box 10,090 Lake Buena Vista, Florida 32620

1

The Walt Disney World Company has entertained millions throughout the world for more than fifty years. The success of your amusement parks and production companies has depended on the quality people that you employed. With the exciting growth that Walt Disney is experiencing, continued success will depend on the employees that you hire today. I feel that I have the qualifications and the motivation to bring continued success to your company.

Since 1988 I have worked in several departments of United Parcel Service. After completing my first internship at UPS I was asked to remain as a permanent employee while completing my bachelor degree in industrial engineering. My work at UPS 3 and classes at the University of Louisville together, have given me 4 a quality industrial engineering background. 2

5

This background would make me an ideal candidate for the industrial engineer position that appeared in the December issue of Industrial Engineering magazine. The opportunity have to work for a company as successful and diverse as Walt (agr) Disney World would be an exciting challenge. My education and work experience has prepared me to make the most of this opportunity. Enclosed you will find my resume, which further explains my qualifications. I look forward to hearing from you and thank you for your consideration.

Sincerely,

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Technical Writing: Student Samples and Teacher Responses

Margaret A. O’Neil Margaret A. O’Neil 416 Gwendolyn Street Louisville, Kentucky 40203 (502) 635-6192 EDUCATION: University of Louisville, 1986 - Present Speed Scientific School 6 Louisville, Kentucky - Currently pursuing Bachelor of Engineering Science degree with concentration in Industrial Engineering (123 credit hours completed). - Admitted to Graduate School in November 1990 to pursue Master of Industrial Engineering Degree. EMPLOYMENT EXPERIENCE: United Parcel Service, 1988 - present 9054 Williamsburg Plaza Louisville, Kentucky 40224 7

Air Region Industrial Engineering January 1991 - present 8 Building and Facilities IE Section IE Technician Responsibilities include revision of UPS Volume XX: Airport Work Measurement Manual, measurement and method analysis of feeder aircraft operations and implementation of national standards and methods for UPS Air Cargo Service Operations. Flight Operations Industrial Engineering January 1990 - January 1991 Performance Engineering Section IE Technician Developed Airport Analysis Landing Data programs. Generated Payload Capability and Route Analyses. Maintained UPS Airport Obstruction Database. Air District Industrial Engineering May 1988 - December 1989 International IE Section Cooperative Intern Technician Generated work measurements, methods and time standards for local Air Cargo Service Operations, Customer Service Telephone Center and the Air Cargo Telephone Center IE Computer Section

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Debra Journet, University of Louisville

Cooperative Intern Technician Created work dispatches for housekeeping porters and Make sure your name is on the second page the Housekeeping Master Operating Plan.

Page 2.

EMPLOYMENT EXPERIENCE

(con’t) :

Schimpeler-Corradino Associates, 1985 - 1988 Civil Engineering and Consulting Firm First Trust Centre Suite 300 200 South Fifth Street Louisville, KY 40202 9 Civil Engineering Department Civil Engineering Technician Responsibilities included drafting and other work on technical drawings, compile sets of drawings and technical specifications for proposal distribution.

PROFESSIONAL AFFILIATION: Institute of Industrial Engineers (IIE), University of Louisville Student Chapter #902 Indent for clarity ACHIEVEMENTS: - President of Institute of Industrial Engineers, 1990 - Key Organizer of IIE 1990 District 6 Student Conference, February 1990 - University of Louisville Varsity Womens Soccer, 1987-90 - Athletic Directors Honor roll, 1989, 1988, 1987 - Secretary of Institute of Industrial Engineers, 1988 - Speed Scientific School Student Council Representative, 1986-87 - Who’s Who Among American High School Students, 1985-86

COMMUNITY SERVICE/ACTIVITIES: - Basketball Coach, 5th & 6th Grade Girls, St. Therese School, 1989-present - Softball Coach, 8 & 9 Year Old Girls, Germantown Little League, 1987 - Intramural Basketball, Softball, and Volleyball Leagues - Louisville Womens Soccer League - Mockingbird Valley Indoor Soccer CLub - Various Softball and Volleyball Leagues

REFERENCES AVAILABLE UPON REQUEST

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Technical Writing: Student Samples and Teacher Responses

TO:

Peg O’Neil

FROM:

Debra Journet

RE:

Letter of Application and Resume

This is an effective application packet. Your educational and work experience are very impressive. Your resume is attractive, easy to follow, and nicely detailed. The letter too is well written; I particularly like the way you show your familiarity with this company. I think the letter could be made more persuasive, though, by being more detailed. (See my comments below.) My main suggestion for the letter is to be more specific about your qualifications and to tie them more explicitly to the advertised job. Remember the rhetorical situation of the job application is to convince this reader that you have the right qualifications for this job. Though the resume does contain all the important information, it doesn’t present that information in terms of this job. (Remember, too, that some people may read the letter or the resume separately.) I’ve made some more specific comments that are keyed to the numbers in the margin. 1. This is an effective opening and certainly one that demonstrates your familiarity with Walt Disney World (and with its ethos). But consider that it’s not until the third paragraph of this letter that your reader realizes not only that you’re applying for a job, but that you want a particular job as industrial engineer. Remember our general discussion of introductions--what readers need to know in order to make sense of information. It might help to start by establishing context and purpose, that is by letting the reader know first-off that you are a candidate for an industrial engineer position. That way he or she can better respond to the information that follows. 2. Can you relate your work and educational experience more specifically to the job at hand? This is a good place to demonstrate that you know what the job requires and that you have those necessary specific skills. You might particularly want to pick up some of the phrases of the ad, if your experience correlates with those terms. 3. Do you mean high-quality? noun, not an adjective.

For many people, quality is a

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Debra Journet, University of Louisville

4. This would be more persuasive if you could relate your background more explicitly to the job at hand. You might also want to consider framing this last, and important, paragraph more in terms of the reader’s benefits in hiring you--rather than your own benefits in being hired. 5. Are you available for an interview? indicate under what circumstances.

If so, you might

6. This is somewhat confusing. Are you in graduate school now, or were you accepted in November for next semester? At any rate, how will attending graduate school mesh with your plans to work for Walt Disney World? (What about your GPA? That you’re on the Honor Roll suggests it might be high enough to include.) 7. Your work experience is very impressive and acts as a very persuasive element in this resume. Obviously, you want to make the most of it. You might play around with the layout in order to make the section and title more obvious. (Try some underlining or indenting.) 8. Try phrasing this section using active verbs (as you do in the following sections). Something along the lines of “Revised UPS Volume XX, Airport Work Measurement Manual. Performed measurement and method analysis of feeder aircraft operations.”

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Technical Writing: Student Samples and Teacher Responses

Instructions Description of Assignment To introduce the instructions assignment, I give students the following

memo: TO:

303 Participants

FROM:

Debra Journet

RE:

Assignment of Instructions

Your next assignment is to write a set of instructions which a reader can follow while performing a specific task. This memo gives you details about the task, information to include, document design, schedule, and evaluation criteria. Task Selection You should choose a task with which you are very familiar and which the reader can perform while following the instructions. Select a task technical enough to require instructions (something more difficult, say, than washing a car), but not so technical that it cannot be treated in a short pamphlet (something less difficult, say, than constructing a complicated deck or patio). The instructions should be as long as necessary, but aim for something you can explain in about three to five pages: e.g., conducting a lab procedure or installing a personal computer. You can choose this task from skills you’ve acquired in school, on the job, or in a hobby. The audience for your instructions will be people who have never performed the task before but who have basic knowledge of your topic area. Information to Include The instructions should contain all necessary information for the audience to perform the task efficiently and successfully. (Consult your textbook, chapter 25 for more detail.) Generally instructions will include the following: Introduction—establishing the context, purpose, and organization of the instructions. The introduction may include other matters—as outlined in your textbook, chapter 25—depending on the nature of the task and the audience. Requirements—tools, materials, etc. needed to perform the task. (These can be included in the introduction, if appropriate.) Any necessary cautions.

Debra Journet, University of Louisville

The main steps of the process—divided into steps and sub-steps if necessary. Use chronological order, and address the audience directly (active voice, and imperative mood). Trouble-shooting—if appropriate. Conclusion—if appropriate. Document Design Designing effective visuals (figures, tables, etc.) and well laid-out pages is an important part of this assignment. You are producing a set of instructions— such as a pamphlet, brochure, or manual—not an essay. All visual cues— graphics, headings, white space, size and type of print, etc.—should be chosen to help the reader follow the instructions while completing the task. Schedule Wednesday, February 6. Hand in plans for your instructions. These should be in the form of the planning sheet from your textbook, pp. 668-669; be sure to identify the task you’re dealing with. Wednesday, February 13. Bring to class a draft of the introduction to your instructions for a Rough Draft Workshop. Wednesday, February 20. Bring to class a complete draft of your instructions, including page layout, for a Rough Draft Workshop. Monday, February 25. Turn in instructions to me for evaluation. Evaluation Criteria Your instructions will be evaluated according to the following criteria: 1. Is the task appropriate to the assignment? 2. Is all necessary information included? 3. Does the introduction successfully orient the reader to the task ahead? 4. Are the major steps and sub-steps of the process clearly organized? 5. Is each step or sub-step explained separately? 6. Is the audience addressed directly? 7. Do the graphics and other visual cues of the document make the information more accessible? 8. Is the style clear, concise, and active? 9. Are the instructions free from disconcerting mechanical errors, such as spelling and grammatical mistakes?

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Explanation of Commentary A set of instructions is usually the second assignment in my technical writing classes. Since the effectiveness of instructions depends so heavily on the ease with which they can be used by readers, I use this assignment to emphasize principles of document design—such as layout, visuals, typeface, etc. I also try to connect such principles to the rhetorical focus of the course by helping students see how document design is tied to concerns of audience and purpose. For this reason, many of my remarks center on the visual appearance of the document. I also use instructions to continue emphasizing hierarchical organization (major ideas or topics supported by sub-ideas or topics). And by this time in the class we have also done some work with style—particularly avoiding wordiness and focusing on actors and action. Thus, both organizational and stylistic concerns are reflected in the evaluation criteria. The instructions included here by David Brennick on replacing guitar strings seem to me to be reasonably well designed overall, but also to have a couple of significant problems. In my comments to Mr. Brennick, I wanted to let him know first that I liked his overall hierarchical structure, especially the way he had divided the task into major steps and substeps and had reflected that organization visually through headings and white space. But I also wanted to call his attention to the difficulties created by the way he had clumped his figures together at the end. My main concern here was to get him to think about the rhetoric of his visual aids: by putting all the figures at the end, he had not fully considered how the reader would use the graphics. I might have added that the unprofessional appearance of the figures could damage his ethos or credibility. I omitted this comment, though, because I didn’t want to focus on his drawing abilities, and because I understand that the actual production of the visuals would probably not be Mr. Brennick’s responsibility if he wrote instructions professionally. I also commented fairly fully on Mr. Brennick’s introduction because we had spent a good deal of time in class on the importance of using an introduction to orient readers to the context, purpose, and organization of the document to follow. I mentioned problems of coherence and organization in the opening paragraph, though, to alert the writer to issues we would be taking up in the next week or so. In commenting on the mechanics of the instructions, I emphasized agreement problems because they popped up several times and because such errors are often noticed by readers. I decided not to mention a couple of other less noticeable grammatical problems, hoping that focusing Mr. Brennick’s attention on agreement would help him get that problem under better control. My evaluation of Mr. Brennick’s instructions was produced on a computer for the reasons I outlined in the explanation of my commentary on Margaret O’Neil’s résumé and application letter.

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Debra Journet, University of Louisville

1 GUITAR STRING REPLACEMENT 1a

Welcome to the world of guitars. As a novice to caring and main- taining guitars, you should read these instructions carefully before you actually begin stringing it and using referent? this as guide. Strings should be replaced every six months in order to maintain quality sound. Replacing strings requires few skills and tools, so don’t feel intimidated or lost. Follow these steps and you should not have any problems. Remember, do not rush through the procedure. Take your time 1b and backtrack if you need to. Skipping steps or missing any instructions may damage the guitar you. Worry more about the 1c safety of the guitar than the strings. Strings are cheaper and easier to replace than guitars. Figure 1 on the next page shows the basic parts of the guitar. Be familiar with these parts because the instructions will refer to them. These agreement instruc- tions begin with the tools needed and then proceeds with removing old strings, installing new strings, tuning new strings, and conclude with troubleshooting. Read each step carefully and TAKE YOUR TIME.

TOOLS 2 You will not need many tools for this job. If you not familiar with some of the tools, ref are ask your local music shop and they will be able to assist you, Be sure to have the following tools: 1) wire cutter 2) needle nose pliers Effectively pre3) tuning fork (E note) sented REMOVING OLD STRINGS headings Nice.

Nice use of white space

1) Do not cut the strings to remove the guitar! This will damage the neck of the guitar because there is tension in the strings (sudden release of tension may weaken structure of the guitar). Start by removing string #1 (the thickest) See figure 2. Find tuning key #1 that connects to string #1. See figure 3. 2) Turn the tuning key #1 counterclockwise to release the tension. The string should sag and you should not feel any tension in the string. 3) Find peg #1 that is located behind the bridge. Use the needle nose pliers to remove peg #1. See figure 4.

3

4

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Technical Writing: Student Samples and Teacher Responses

Number pages 2 4) Push the string down so the ball can be released from the notch. 5) You may now unravel the string from the tuning key. 6) Repeat steps for remaining strings. Keep tuning keys with corresponding pegs. (i.e., 3# peg to #3 tuning key)

5

APPLYING NEW STRINGS 1) Start with string #1 (thickest string). Insert the ball down the hole located behind the bridge. Make sure the ball slips under the notch so it locks in place. Push the peg (#1) back into the hole to keep ball from emerging. ref?

2) At the head of the guitar, wind the string around the corresponding tuning key (#1). Wrap it tight enough so you feel tension. You will use the tuning key for adequate note tuning. 3) Use a tuning fork (E note) to tune the string. If it sounds flat, tighten the tuning key. If it sounds sharp, loosen the tuning key. 4) Cut excessive string hanging from the tuning key with the write cutters. 5) The remaining strings can be applied by following these same steps. Remember to connect tuning keys with corresponding pegs (for example #3 tuning key with #3 peg).

TUNING STRINGS 7

1) Press string #1 at the fifth fret (see figure 5) and strike string #2. If #2 sounds flat, tighten tuning key #2. If it sounds sharp,m loosen tuning key #2. 2) Press string #2 at the fifth fret and strike string #3. 3) Tune string #3 as shown in step 1. 4) Press string #3 at the fifth fret and strike string #4 and tune string #4 as indicated in step 1. 5) Press string #4 at the fourth fret and strike string #5. Tune string #5 as indicated in step 1.

6

Debra Journet, University of Louisville

6) Press string #5 at the fifth fret and strike agr string 8 #6. Tune string #6 as indicated in step 1.

TROUBLESHOOTING 1) New strings will go out of tune for the first week or so (depends how often you play). Use the tuning procedures to tune the strings.

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Technical Writing: Student Samples and Teacher Responses

TUNING KEYS

4-5-6

HEAD

BODY

BRIDGE

HEAD

BODY

NECK

PEGS

Title?

FIG. 2 - STRINGS

#3 -

- #4

#2 -

- #5

#1 -

-#6

BODY

FIG. 1

1-2-3

FIG. 3 - TUNING KEYS STRING #1

BRIDGE NOTCH

BALL

HOLE

(INSERT INTO HOLE) FIG. 4 - PEGS

#5 #4 #3 #2 #1

HEAD FRET FRET FRET FRET FRET BODY

FIG. 5 - FRETS

Debra Journet, University of Louisville

TO:

David Brennick

FROM:

Debra Journet

RE:

Instructions

These instructions are nicely laid out (except for the figures). The format makes the overall organization clear and the individual steps easy to find and follow. I especially liked the way you divided the task into three main steps with a series of sub-steps and used headings and white space to make that division clear. The instructions also seem complete, though I sometimes had trouble working out exactly what I was supposed to do. And I notice that in reading your rough drafts the members of your peer editing group were also a little confused at places. That’s a good indication that you need to clarify. My major source of confusion was, I think, the figures. First, I had some trouble locating them. Then I found it frustrating to have to keep moving back and forth from the text to the back page where the diagrams were located. Putting all the figures together at the end is certainly easier for the writer, but it’s a very annoying arrangement for the reader. I was also confused about tuning. (See comments below.) And I’d suggest your being more alert to agreement problems--both subject/verb and pronoun/referent. (Also see comments below.) It’s always difficult to anticipate all the questions or problems someone can have with instructions, unless she’s actually performing the task. (That’s why it’s important to actually test instructions.) What follows are some of the questions I had as I imagined going through the process, as well as some specific writing suggestions: 1. As an introduction, this provides much of the information that I would probably need in order to orient myself to the instructions. I’m clear on the purpose of the document and the importance of the task. It might have helped, though, had you previewed the whole process (referring briefly to the three main steps) instead of just trusting the audience to go through all the instructions before beginning the process. The organization of the paragraph that constitutes this introduction, though, is a little hard to follow. You seem to be

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Technical Writing: Student Samples and Teacher Responses

moving around from one point to another without a lot of connections. Remember our discussion of hierarchical organization ? How is this paragraph organized? Think about making the hierarchy of information clearer, or perhaps dividing it into separate paragraphs. (We’re also going to be talking a lot about coherence in the next week or so, and that discussion will also be relevant to making organization clearer to the reader.) Some more specific items in the introduction are as follows: 1a. What is “it”? guitars.) 1b.

There’s no referent.

(It can’t refer to

Something’s missing here.

1c. In fact there is no figure 1 on the next page. Looking through the instructions, I finally found figure 1 on the last page. agr.

subject/verb agreement.

2. Another referent problem. to shop (singular).

They (plural) can only refer here

3. Same problem with finding the figures. The problem is made worse because I have to keep turning back and forth from the instructions to the figure. (See my comments above.) 4.

Same as 3.

5.

I think this needs a figure too.

6. Didn’t I tune the strings already--step 3 of the preceding section? And what do I compare it to in order to determine if it’s sharp or flat? 7. These probably shouldn’t be separate steps, as they’re not indicated separately in the instructions for any of the other strings. Agr.

subject/verb agreement.

8. Same comments about paragraph organization as in first comment.

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Debra Journet, University of Louisville

Proposal

Description of Assignment I introduce students to the proposal assignment using the following memo: TO:

English 303 Participants

FROM:

Debra Journet

RE:

Proposal for Major Report

Your next assignment is to write a proposal requesting approval for the topic on which you plan to write your major report. In this report you will be asked to develop a solution to a problem; this problem can be one that can be tackled through primary or secondary research or both. We will discuss possible topics in class. This memo provides additional details about information to include in your proposal, schedule, and evaluation criteria. Guidelines for Writing the Proposal The reader for the proposal should be someone who has some responsibility for the problem detailed. The proposal should be about three pages, should include the following sections, and should answer, as appropriate, the following questions: Introduction What is the context, purpose and organization of this proposal? What background information does the reader need to understand this proposal? Statement of What is the specific problem your research treats? the Problem What is the specific question your report will answer? What are the limits of your project? What is its precise scope? What will it cover? What will it delete? Justification

Why is this problem important? What are the specific benefits—to reader, writer and public— of your project?

Objectives

What are the specific objectives of your project? What specific questions do you plan to answer or information do youplan to provide? (These objectives should be listed and may repeat, in a concise form, material included in preceding sections.)

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Technical Writing: Student Samples and Teacher Responses

Product

How do you propose to meet your objectives? What do you plan to do to solve the problem? What information will your report contain? (This briefly describes the research or work you plan to report.)

Methods

How do you plan to obtain your information? What activities do you plan to pursue to develop your product? (This section should be tied to your objectives. Tell the reader as specifically as possible what you plan to do.)

Schedule

What specific activities will you perform? How much time will you spend on each? When do you plan to finish each stage?

Credentials

What qualifies you to handle this project? Why should I feel confident in authorizing this project? (Describe here pertinent course work, job experience, personal interests, etc.)

Costs

How much will the proposed project cost? (Provide a budget if necessary. This section may be deleted in certain projects.)

Think carefully about what you are proposing. Remember that you are committed to this project and all the details of the proposal, once it is approved. Should you want to make minor alterations, you will have to submit a memo requesting permission to do so. Schedule March 1. March 4. March 6. March 15. March 25 March 27.

Proposal plans due. (Brief memo outlining the problem you plan to treat and the solution you hope to offer.) Conferences on proposals. Revised proposal plans due if necessary. Rough Draft Workshop: Proposal segment. Rough Draft Workshop: Proposals. Proposals Due.

Evaluation Criteria The major question to keep asking yourself is “Will this proposal persuade the reader?” 1. Is the introduction effective in establishing the context, purpose, and organization of the proposal? 2. Is the problem clearly defined? Is its significance made clear? Are the objectives specific? 3. Does the proposed product solve the problem? Are the methods feasible and practical? Are the costs in line with the benefits?

Debra Journet, University of Louisville

4. Does the writer seem qualified to solve the problem? 5. Is the style concise, active, and coherent? 6. Is the proposal free from disconcerting mechanical errors, such as spelling and grammatical mistakes?

Explanation of Commentary The third assignment in my technical writing class is a proposal to conduct research and write a formal report (which, in turn, makes up the fourth assignment). My primary objective for this assignment is to help students see the proposal as a persuasive document that convinces readers through a variety of appeals. I’m also very concerned with the proposal’s details, though, because the student’s success in writing the formal report depends on his or her ability to set up a practical plan of work here. Thus, most of my comments are directed toward the proposal’s ability to persuade the reader that the problem is worth tackling and that the proposed project is feasible. I need to be convinced of both (but more practically of the latter) before I will “approve” the project. The proposal for a report on a codependency therapy plan written by David Brennick convinced me of the problem of codependency. But I was worried about the vagueness with which he described his proposed report. My immediate concern was that he be able to write a more specific description of the objectives of his research and of the report he planned to produce. We discussed this in conference, and he handed in to me the following revised version of his objectives: 1) This report will describe the characteristics (habits, traits, and lifestyle) of codependency and reveal the growing numbers of codependents. 2) With the data from the first objective, demonstrate the need for a codependency therapy program in dependency programs. 3) Provide a guide to detect codependents. The report will not formulate a counseling program for codependency. Subsequent research would be needed for that aspect of the program, although the report will reveal the benefits of a therapy guide after the codependent has been detected. 4) Show how a codependency program would be beneficial for a dependency program. After reading his new objectives (and pointing out some problems in mechanics), I felt he was in a better position to conduct research, and I approved his proposal.

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Technical Writing: Student Samples and Teacher Responses

In writing the proposal, students have to work within a much more complex rhetorical situation, and I try to call their attention to this in my comments. In remarking on some of the problems in his proposal, I wanted to help Mr. Brennick think through the implications of what he was offering to do, but I also wanted to remind him of his persuasive purpose and his relation to his reader. Thus, I tried to couch my requests for greater detail or for clarifications in terms of the proposal’s rhetorical context. In commenting on style, I concentrated on “wordiness,” because we had spent so much time on this in class, and I tried to focus the writer’s attention on places where redundant words and phrases were particularly obvious. I noticed several other places (but did not comment on them) where I thought an awkward style marked problems the writer was having in working through ideas. (These kinds of problems tend to clear up in revision as the writer becomes more certain of what he or she wants to say.) My evaluation of Mr. Brennick’s proposal was produced on a computer for the reasons I outlined in the explanation of my commentary on Margaret O’Neil’s résumé and application letter.

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Debra Journet, University of Louisville

RESEARCH PROPOSAL Study Title:

Codependency Therapy Program

Applicant:

David Brennick 6800 Wind Ridge Court Louisville, KY 40241

Funding Agency:

Family Hospital Dr. Linda Smith Programs Director

I am requesting permission to do research about codependency. With the data obtained I hope to make you aware of a much-needed codependency therapy program. My intentions are to recommend you install a program in your present system. This program would coincide with your present chemical dependency program. I have provided facts and history about codependency since this illness is becoming more apparent in our society. I hope to demonstrate that there is a need for more attention to this growing problem. Giving consent for this research would be very beneficial for your program. Why?

1 2

Background 3

W

Codependency is an illness that affects all kinds of relationships. More specifically, a codependent person is one who has let another person’s behavior affect him or her, and who is obsessed with controlling that person’s behavior. These 4 persons that a codependent interacts with are usually involves many chemically dependent. There are many diverse characteristics W C ing to codependency. These charac- teristics may include excessive caretaking, low self-worth, repression, obsession, manipulating, denial, dependency, poor communication, weak boundaries, lack of trust, and sex problems., Not all of these traits may pertain to one individual. There are many more characteristics that complicate the definition of codependency. Justification

5

7

These complications of codependency often leave the codependent (and those around him/her) unaware of his/her illness. Many codependents go undetected by chemical dependency programs. Dependency programs often concentrate on the dependent as the “problem” and forget that persons involved with the dependent may have an “illness” of their own. While the rehabilitation center is caring for the dependent, the codependent may be contributing to the dependent’s problems. As a result, these contributions may interfere with the treatment offered by the center. Obviously, codependency is a major contribution to the dependent’s problems. Research is required to see why it is important to have a program to detect an illness that coincides with chemical addiction. Since codependency is

6

8

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Technical Writing: Student Samples and Teacher Responses

Number pages 2 relatively new to dependency programs, such an innovative service offered at your center would place you well ahead of other rehabilitation centers. Objectives 9 1) 2) 3)

Accumulate and analyze information about codependency. Demonstrate the need for a codependency therapy program in dependency programs. Show how a therapy program would be beneficial for dependency programs.

Product

10

This research will show the growing need for a codependency therapy program in a dependency center. Information about codependency can be used to formulate a program in conjunction with dependency centers. This information would include general characteristics and symptoms of codependency. Research would also reveal the benefits gained by dependency centers. Procedures Much of my work will be secondary research. I plan to use local libraries for information on statistics and numbers of W codepen- dents. I will refer to health professionals for data on this rising problem. I hope to demonstrate the strong need for a detection device for codependency and how it would be beneficial for your institution. Schedule Research will take one month. week, 8 hours a day.

11

I will be working 5 days per

Week 1 —

Consult with health professionals

Week 2 —

Consult with health professionals

Week 3 —

Begin library research

Week 4 —

Finish library research

Qualifications As a premedical student at the University of Louisville, I have completed courses in psychology, biology, social

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Debra Journet, University of Louisville

3

sciences,humanit- ies, and communications. I have also had experience with dealing with codependents in personal relationships. Cost Week 1 —

$250.00

Week 2 —

$250.00

Week 3 —

$250.00

Week 4 — $250.00 ———————————————————— Total = $1,000.00 Conclusion 12 I am looking forward to your response and would appreciate it greatly. Many benefits could arise from this program, financially and socially. I am enthusiastic about researching for this much- needed program. Again I want to reiterate that I intend to reveal a valid need for this program and not formulate the program. I have had experience with dealing

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Technical Writing: Student Samples and Teacher Responses

To:

David Brennick

FROM:

Debra Journet

RE:

Proposal

A proposal has to convince the reader of two things: 1) that the problem addressed in the proposal is significant and worth tackling, and 2) that the proposed project will be effective in solving or (helping to solve) that problem. Your proposal does a good job in demonstrating the importance of your topic, and I’m pretty convinced about the need to start doing research in this area. (I do think, though, that you might relate that need more specifically to your reader. What significance does this all have for Family Hospital?) What I’m not so sure of from reading this proposal, though, is what your research is actually going to look like. That is, you’ve convinced me 1) that the problem needs to be addressed, but not 2) that your proposed project is the best way to meet that need. As a potential “funder,” I’m most concerned that your proposal provides only a sketchy description of the promised report. I’d really like more information about what I’m buying here--especially if you expect me to spend $1000 on it. (A lot of money for an unsolicited proposal from a student!) Specifically, it would help me to have a.

A more explicit statement of your objectives (see 9. below)

b. A more detailed description of the product: what topics the report will cover, what kind of detail it will go into, what research it will involve, (see 10. below) After I get this information, I’ll be pleased to approve the topic. Approved pending above. Some more specific comments on the proposal (keyed to numbers in the margin) are listed below: 1. This is a pretty important sentence. Can it be phrased more directly: e.g., something along the lines of “With this data, I hope to demonstrate you need a co-dependency therapy program.” But . . .

Debra Journet, University of Louisville

2. You’re requesting to do the research--which means you don’t yet have the data. This statement, though, sounds like you’ve already made up your mind about what that (as yet unobtained) data will reveal. 3. This sounds rather general. Is anyone who’s obsessed with controlling another a co-dependent? Since co-dependency is such an important concept in this proposal, you might want to spend a little more time defining it. It’s here that you begin to establish your ethos--to convince the reader you understand the problem and have the necessary expertise to tackle it. 4. Some of the sentences in this paragraph are a little “wordy” (w). (Remember our discussions of sentence structure?) I’ve edited two sentences for conciseness. Can you think of ways to make other sentences more economical and direct? 5. In order to avoid the awkwardness of him/her but still avoid sexist language, you might consider making these plural: e.g. . . . often leave codependents (and those around them)unaware of their illnesses. 6. It’s not altogether clear whether your concern in providing treatment for the codependent is to help the codependent or to improve the treatment of the dependent patient (or both). Can you make your focus more specific? (This kind of detail will help convince the reader that this project is practical and worthwhile.) 7. Is the program that your report will point to concerned only with detecting codependency or will it also offers ways to treat codependency? 8. Can you relate this more carefully to your specific readers? This would be a good occasion to mention Family Hospital’s need for a codependency program and the benefits the hospital would gain. 9. The objectives need to be phrased more specifically in terms of what the report itself will do. The first statement isn’t really an objective of the report, and the second two are not very explicit in telling me the report will accomplish. 10. Similarly, this description of the proposed report provides little specifics about the report I’m supposed to be buying. Aside from the last two sentences of this section, I have very little specific idea about what topics the report will cover,

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what kind of information it will include, how long it will be. 11.

When do you plan to write the report?

12. You might try to find a more positive way to express this. (Remember the rhetorical focus of the proposal is to persuade the reader of the project’s benefits.) Perhaps something along the lines of: “This report in demonstrating the need for a codependency program will provide first step in implementing such a program. Subsequent research will be needed to formulate that program’s details.”

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Debra Journet, University of Louisville

Analytical Report

Description of Assignment I give students the following memo to explain the analytical report assignment: TO:

English 303 Participants

FROM:

Debra Journet

RE:

Assignment of Formal Report

Your next assignment is to write the report which you have just proposed. You should now have a clear sense of the intended audience and purpose of your report, as well as what topics your report will include, how it will be organized, and what research you will need to conduct. In a sense, then, you have created your own assignment: your report should address the issues and meet the objectives as outlined in your proposal. This memo will give you some additional guidelines for preparing the report. Format of the Report Unless you have good reasons to do otherwise (and if so, you need to check with me first), you should plan to write a two-level formal report (not a memo or letter). We will go over these format requirements in class, but note that a two-level report contains the following: —An opening segment consisting of a Foreword and Summary. This section is written for people interested primarily in your conclusions and recommendations (usually executives and decision-makers). The Foreword should identify the problem you’re addressing in its organizational context. It should also specify the technical problem and the technical tasks you performed to solve this problem. Finally, it should state the rhetorical purpose of the report. The Summary (sometimes called the Executive Summary) should provide a condensed version of the report, identifying its objectives, methodology, results, conclusions, and recommendations. The summary provides an overview of the whole report—as it is of interest to decision-makers. —A Discussion segment consisting of an Introduction, Sections discussing your research (organized as appropriate to audience, purpose, and topic), Conclusions and Recommendations. The Introduction should place the problem addressed into context and identify the technical questions arising from this problem, should identify the

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rhetorical purpose of the report, and may preview the report’s organization. (In other words, you’ll want to follow the CPO guidelines we’ve been discussing this semester.) The body of the report should employ a hierarchical structure, using substantive headings. The Conclusion and Recommendations should summarize the main points, state the conclusions drawn from the research, and offer specific recommendations asappropriate. Because the report is addressed to a complex audience, the two levels should be self-contained (that is, don’t assume readers of one level will have read the other level). Thus, as you can see, there is some built-in redundancy in this report (that is, information will be repeated in various sections). More information and examples of the two-level report will be given in class. The report should also contain a letter of transmittal, title page, table of contents, lists of tables and/or figures (if necessary), references, and appendices (if necessary). More details about the format will be given in class. The length of the report will be governed by the audience and purpose; that is, the report should be as long as it needs to be and no longer. Given the apparatus of the report, however, it’s unlikely that you can achieve your purpose in less than ten pages. Schedule for the Report Please observe the following due dates: April 8. One section of the Report due for Rough Draft Workshop. April 17. Foreword and Summary due for Rough Draft Workshop. April 24. Formal report due. Conferences to look at drafts will be scheduled on April 22. But you should feel free to make appointments to discuss drafts at other times during the month. Evaluation Criteria 1. Does the report contain all the appropriate components, and in the correct format? 2. Does the Foreword help the intended audience identify the organizational problem, technical problem and tasks, and rhetorical purpose of the report? 3. Does the Summary offer a clear condensation of the report, as it would be of interest to decision-makers? 4. Is the introduction effective in establishing the context, purpose, and organization of the proposal?

Debra Journet, University of Louisville

5. Does the information presented in the report meet the proposal’s objectives? Are the conclusions and recommendations clear? Is the source of the information clearly indicated? 6. Are the main sections organized hierarchically? Is that organization reflected visually and verbally (i.e., headings, subheadings, preview and summary statements, etc.)? 7. Are the graphics rhetorically effective and easy to use? 8. Is the style concise, active, and coherent? Are there adequate transitions? Is the word choice appropriate? 9. Is the report’s documentation adequate and correct? 10. Is the report free from disconcerting mechanical errors, such as spelling and grammatical mistakes?

Explanation of Commentary The formal report is the last assignment in my technical writing class and thus brings together all the skills and principles we’ve been discussing throughout the semester. In my commentary on the report, I try to sum up the student’s achievement throughout the semester, to identify particular strengths, to point once more to areas to work on, and to offer one last reminder of the rhetorical principles which guided the course. The report written by Rena Thompson on Indoor Air Pollution Problems Associated with Energy Efficient Buildings represents the culmination of a lot of work by a good and conscientious student. The writer, who is an older student, began the semester by expressing some concerns about the course: it had been several years since she had written any kind of long academic paper. As the semester proceeded, her confidence in her writing grew, and I wanted to use this last opportunity of evaluation to foster that confidence. I thus emphasized the real strengths of this report: the careful research, the logical way it was organized and presented, the professional appearance of the document. I also took note of how hard she had worked throughout the course, and how much I saw that work paying off. My specific comments on the report tended to center on the rhetorical context—the need to focus the material more carefully on the reader’s needs. This document, which sometimes seems more like a “term paper” than a report addressed to a particular reader about a particular problem, shows how difficult it is for some students to move from “academic” to “professional” writing. The writer of this paper still clearly sees herself as a student: the topical rather than problem-solving organization and the tentative recommendations suggest how problematic it can sometimes be to establish authority as a writer. I wanted to alert Ms. Thompson to some of these

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concerns, but not to overwhelm her with them (especially since her confidence was part of the issue). Thus, the bulk of my suggestions have to do with tying her needs as a writer (she clearly wanted the company to improve her working conditions) with the reader’s concerns (the company clearly wants a more productive workforce). There were very few mechanical problems in this paper, and no important patterns, so I just made a few editing marks in the text. My evaluation of Ms. Thompson’s report was produced on a computer for the reasons I outlined in my explanation of my commentary on Margaret O’Neil’s résumé and application letter.

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Debra Journet, University of Louisville

6301 Moorman Road Louisville, KY 40272 April 24, 1991 Professor Debra Journet Be Department of English, Room 319C consistent University of Louisville Louisville, KY zip Dear Dr. Journet: I am enclosing my final written project for your technical writing course, a report on the problem of air pollution in today’s energy efficient office buildings. space

cap

While researching this project, I discovered that there are approximately 1000 indoor pollutants, of which 60 are carcinogenic. I also found that today’s energy efficient buildings are more prone to indoor pollution since they are airtight and this allows the concentration of pollutants. research indicates that symptoms of illnesses caused by indoor pollution range from ones that cause discomfort to those that are deadly (i.e. Legionnaire’s Disease). I hope that I have been clear and persuasive enough to make my “company” realize that this is a problem that affects the health of many, and that steps should be taken to insure a healthy workplace. As for my thoughts about this course, I feel that I have learned a lot, and that this was a perfect way for me to relearn the skills needed for doing research papers and other class writing. The workshops were the hardest part for me since I found it difficult to say critical things about other people’s work for fear of hurting their feelings. I know it is necessary to be able to give constructive criticism as well as receive it and I think I was getting better at it at the end. Thank you for your help.

Sincerely,

Rena L. Thompson

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Technical Writing: Student Samples and Teacher Responses

April 24, 1991

Indoor Air Pollution Problems Associated With Energy Efficient Buildings

by

Rena L. Thompson

123

Debra Journet, University of Louisville

Table of Contents

Page iii Foreword

1 iv

Summary

2 1

This heading is not in the report itself Introduction

3

Causes of Indoor Pollution

4

Pollution-Related Health Problems

6

Costs

7

How This Relates To Our Company

7

Conclusions and Recommendations

8

Reference List

9

Appendices

10

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Technical Writing: Student Samples and Teacher Responses

ii 1 Foreword

In the past year, Insurance Analysis Services has seen a large increase in absenteeism, and a corresponding increase in claim errors resulting in voids. These problems are caused, in part, by indoor pollution. Indoor pollution in office buildings is caused by accumulated toxins from any number of the 1000 indoor pollutants identified by the Environmental Protection Agency. The collection of symptoms and illnesses resulting from indoor pollution are many, and one commonly used name for them is sick building syndrome (SBS). ?

sp

Absenteeism results in lower production. Errors result in this voids which must be reinput and this also causes lower list production. Since only a small percentage of processed claims are quality-reviewed, some claims are going out with needs to be errors such asi to the wrong customer, for the wrong dependent, with mistakes in computation resulting in parallel overpayments, and payments for ineligible services. All these items result in not only higher costs to the company, but also customer dissatisfaction. In this report I present information about indoor air quality problems and their affects on employee health and job performance. I will describe options available to determine the extent of the problems and ways to reduce or alleviate them.

iii

125

Debra Journet, University of Louisville

1 Summary

There are many sources of indoor pollutants. These include cigarette smoke, incorrect humidity levels, emissions from furniture and carpeting, office machines, and constructions materials,paper, and organic compounds. Virtually every part of our working environment contributes to indoor pollution (Buildings 1989, Laliberte 1989, McKee 1990, Emmerling 1989). Prior to the energy crisis of the 1970’s, we were unaware of most of these pollutants, since the our workplaces allowed a constant flow of fresh air through windows, cracks, and crevices, thus preventing a buildup of them. Today's energy efficient buildings, “tightened” to prevent heating and cooling loss, often have very little fresh air intake thus allowing pollutants to become more concentrated in the recirculated air (Sievert 1989). Also, ventilation systems are often shut down too early, or have too many “off-periods”, in order to save energy dollars (Building 1989, Sievert 1989). Proper humidity levels are also important to employee health and production. If too high or too low they affect the growth of fungi, mold, bacteria, and viruses. They also affect the performance of computers and other office machines (Buildings 1989, Ylvisaker 1989). The illnesses and complaints associated with polluted buildings include headaches, respiratory infections, shortness of breath, eye, nose, and throat irritations, itchy skin, nosebleeds, disorientation, rashes, and poor concentration. Deadly examples include Legionnaire’s Disease and cancer (Laliberte 1990, McKee 1990, Holtom 1990). Pollution-related health problems cost employers a great deal of money due to absenteeism and poor job performance. Estimates vary, but costs are thought to be in the billions of dollars. Add to this the cost of medical care. Computers and other machines are sensitive to dust and humidity, and breakdowns can be iv very costly to a company

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Technical Writing: Student Samples and Teacher Responses

2 like ours that depends on speed and accuracy.

good audience adaptation

2 Conclusions and recommendations

Ours is a relatively new and energy efficient building. As our clientele has grown so have the sources of pollution. We receive a tremendous amount of paper daily and this creates a lot of dust. We have dozens of ozone-emitting copiers and printers that are y used constantly. And since we now have a cafeteria in the building, we have pollutants from the kitchen. a Our company depends on high production and quality in order to stay viable. Our employees cannot perform up to their potential if made ill by their environment. They will make mistakes that cost the company not only monetarily but also in customer goodwill. As a corporation, Insurance Analysis prides itself on customer satisfaction and promises prompt and accurate service. We will not be able to keep that promise if our building is health hazard. The solution to out air quality problems lies in knowing precisely what we are dealing with and how effective our present systems are functioning. I recommend that the company send for one or more of the free publications available that offer guidance in assessing indoor air quality. (see Appendix A). Then we can determine if a complete diagnostic examination of our building is in order. Appendix B has a list of local firms that do diagnostic examinations.

v

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Debra Journet, University of Louisville

3

Introduction ?

Context? Purpose

Organization

3 In this report I will present data about indoor air quality problems associated with energy efficient buildings 4 such as ours. I will address the causes of indoor air pollution, costs to employers, and ways to assess the extent of, and steps available to reduce or alleviate, the pollution.

Causes of Indoor Pollution

Many things contribute to poor indoor air quality including cigarette smoke, furniture and carpeting, office ma5 chines, humidity levels and construction materials (Laliberte 1990, McKee 1990). And while many of these factors have always been present in buildings, it was not until buildings were “tightened” in an effort to make them more energy efficient that problems associated with indoor aitr pollution began to become noticeable (Sievert 1990). Airtight Buildings When the energy crisis of the 1970’s hit, one of the ways companies tried to save energy dollars was by constructing new buildings, and modifying old ones, to be airtight to reduce gheating and cooling loss. And while many things contribute to indoor pollution, it was this tightening of buildings that caused increased concentration of pollutants, especially in buildings with inadequate fresh air intake (Sievert 1989). Poor ventilation, according to Gray Robertson of Healthy Buildings International, an indoor-air inspection firm in Fairfax, VA, has been found in 62 percent of the buildings the firm has inspected. “People have shut off the fresh-air supply to save money,” he says, “and its only a matter of time before they get sick” (McKee 1990). 1

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Technical Writing: Student Samples and Teacher Responses

A better transition? Current standards for fresh air intake of five(5) cubic feet per minute (CFM) per person is too low to flush out pollutants, and an increase to twenty(20) CFM per person has been found to reduce indoor pollution levels, in most cases to tolerable levels. Too many “off-periods” for ventilation systems or shutting the systems down too early at the end of the day also can adversely affect indoror air quality (Buildings 1989). levels are 4 Another factor that can affect the operation of ; valves. ventilation systems is the placement of air intake i If placed too near areas with heavy traffic, such as loading docks, the valves will bring pollutants such as carbon monoxide into the building instead of fresh air and dangerous levels can be reached even in buildings with apparently adequate ventilation systems (McKee 1990). Relative Humidity Improper humidity levels have been shown to affect employee health and production and office machines. If too high or too low, bacteria, viruses, and fungi become more evident. If too high, people become susceptible to respiratory infections. Studies have found that where humidity levels are controlled absenteeism is reduced and production is higher. Also, computers function with less down time due to static electricity and copiers do not jam. Standard relative humidity levels are now 120 to 80 percent, but recent studies show that the optimum levels should be 40 to 60 percent. A University of Saskatchewan study shows that raising minimum levels from 20 percent to only 30 percent would lower absenteeism by 10 to 15 percent, which could save industry billions of dollars (Buildings 1989). Volatile Organic Compounds Volatile organic compounds (VOC) are chemicals that turn to gas at room temperature,and are given off by many common materials, such as furniture, and carpeting, paints, cleaning supplies, office machines, paper, and cigrarettes, to name only a few sources. For exampole,

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Debra Journet, University of Louisville

many copiers and laser printers emit ozone which is a severe lung irritant and which causes a breakdown of red blood cells. Furniture and carpeting, as well as many building materials give off formaldehyde which causes headaches, nausea, dizziness and coughing. While individual VOC’s are usually present in small quantities, an Environmental Protection Agency study of various public buildings has found that a typical air sample contained 100 to 200 different compounds at levels much higher than outdoors (Laliberte 1991, Buildings 1989, Emmerling 1989, Holtom 1990).

5 Biological Agents Biological agents are viruses, bacteria, fungal spores, algae, pollen, mold, and dust mites. They are found in improperly cleaned and maintained ventilation systems and humidifiers, and water-damaged furniture and carpeting (Laliberte 1990, Buildings 1989, Holtom 1990). Carbon Dioxide and Carbon Monoxide Carbon dioxide (CO2) is a by-product of breathing and levels are determined by the number of people in the building and the amount of fresh air that enters the building. Carbon monoxide (CO) is produced by cigarette smoke and in vehicle exhaust which is drawn into a building if air intake vents are located too near a garage or traffic (Laliberte 1991). These are only a few of the approximately 1000 indoor pollutants identified by the Environmental Protection Agency of which 60 are thought to be carcinogenic (Holtom 1990).

Pollution-Related Health Problems

The illnesses associated with indoor air pollution are called variety of names: sick building syndrome, 20thcentury disease, and ecological illness to name a few. The symptoms include headaches, respiratory problems,

comma fault

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Technical Writing: Student Samples and Teacher Responses

shortness of breath, eye, nose, and throat irritation, itchy skin, nose bleeds, disorientation, rashes and poor concentration (Ylvesaker 1989, McKee 1990). Ozone and formaldehyde are lung irritants. Carbon dioxide, carbon monoxide, and formaldehyde cause headaches, dizziness, nausea, drowsiness, and lung problems. At high levels, carbon monoxide can cause death. Biological pollutants cause problems such as respiratory infections, some more serious examples are Legionnaire’s Disease, hypersensitivity pneumonia and humidifier fever (McKee 1990, Holtom 1990).

6 Costs

All of the above mentioned pollution-related health problems cost companies a great deal of money due to absenteeism and decreased production. Estimates vary, but the costs are thought to be in the billions of dollars. According to one study’s estimate, “respiratory infections alone account for about 150 million lost workdays, at least $59 billion in indirect costs such as lost income due to workers being out, and an additional $15 billion in medical costs” (Laliberte 1990). An EPA report to Congress attributes $1 billion in medical costs to heart disease and cancer caused by indoor pollution (Holtom 1990). When looking at the costs associated with indoor pollution, companies should also consider the possibility of future liability for failure to correct health hazards. Lawsuits related to debilitating illnesses caused by indoor pollution could amount to millions of dollars in judgements. A case in California has already resulted in a settlement of $600,000.00 for a computer worker in his case against practically everyone involved in the construction of his workplace (Nelson-Norchler 1989).

How This Relates To Our Company Well related to the reader's needs. more of this throughout?

Can you do

Debra Journet, University of Louisville

Ours is a relatively new and energy efficient building, and there are many sources of pollution, such as copiers and other machines, tons of paper, cleaning supplies, and etc. With as many pollutants as our building contains we need to know how serious our problem is. One of my duties in my department is to maintain the employee sign-in sheets and to record the reasons given for unscheduled absences. Most often the reason or reasons given are indicative of sick building syndrome. My conversations with those in other departments who perform the same duties indicate the same pattern of complaints. A company like ours is dependent on high production and quality. We promise our customers that their medical claims will be processed promptly and accurately. If our employees 7 are absent, or not meeting production, or are making too 6 many mistakes due to a sick building, we will not be able to keep our promise. This will cost the company in revenue, the goodwill of our customers, for medical insurance, and possibly, the loyalty of our work force.

Conclusions and Recommendations

There are ways to remedy a sick building: making sure ventilation systems and air ducts are functioning properly, having exhaust fans over copiers, and making sure humidity levels conform to accepted standards, to name only a few. In order to learn what our company needs to do to insure a healthy work environment, I recommend that we obtain one or more of the free publications listed in Appendix A which will serve as a guide to remedying our problems., Appendix B has a list of local firms that specialize in doing diagnostic examinations of building and suggesting ways to combat indoor pollution.

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8 Reference List 1989. Emmerling, Susan G. 1989. Hazards Management. American School and University 61:18-23 Holtom, Robert B. 1990. Review 90:64-6,83

Seeking the SBS Cure.

Best’s

Laliberte, Richard. 1990. The Truth About Breathing Uneasy: Sick building Syndrome. Health 22:62-5,82 McKee, Bradford A. 1990. Yearning to Breathe Free. Nation’s Business 78:46-7 Nelson-?Norchler, Joani. 1989. ‘Sick’ Buildings: The Inside Story On Air Pollution. Industry Week 238:69 Sievert, George. 1989. Understanding Indoor Air Quality Can Help Diagnose The Cure. American School and University 61: 19-24 Ylvesaker, Peter N. 1989. Air Quality: Is It (Wheeze; Cough!) Time to Test. Buildings 83:62-4

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Debra Journet, University of Louisville

1989. Indoor Air Quality: You Are What You Breathe. Buildings 83:90-1

9 Appendix A

Publications Available About Indoor Air Quality Problems The Inside Story: A Guide To Indoor Air Quality; a free 32 pg. book from: Public Information Center U.S. E.P.A. Mail Code PM-211B 401 M Street, SW Wash., D.C. 20460 Guidance for Indoor Air Quality Investigations; a free handbook from: Division of Respiratory Diseases Studies at NIOSH 944 Chestnut Ridge Road Morgantown, W. VA. 26505 “Indoor Air Quality”; a N.J. Information Bulletin from PEOSH from:N.J. Department of Health PEOSH Project 7th Floor CN-360 Trenton, N.J. 08625

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Technical Writing: Student Samples and Teacher Responses

(609) 984-1863 A free, nontechnical information packet is available from: Building Owners and Managers Association International 1201 N.Y. Ave., N.W. Suite 300 Wash., D.C. 20005 (202) 289-7000

10 Appendix B

Louisville Companies That Do Diagnostic Examinations of Buildings Diversified Industries Inc. 3600 Chamberlain lane Louisville, KY

429-5818

Erce Consulting Engineers 310 W. Liberty Louisville, KY

585-2039

Fisher-Klosterman Inc 2901 Magazine Louisville, KY

776-1505

Flowers, R.L. & Associates, Inc 13005 Middletown Industrial Blvd Louisville, KY

245-6626

Harping Inc. Industrial Sheet Metal 330 Boxley Ave. Louisville, KY

636-3700

Debra Journet, University of Louisville

TO:

Rena Thompson

FROM:

Debra Journet

RE:

Major Report

This is a very impressive document. You’ve done really good work throughout the semester, and this report is the culmination of all your effort. There’s a lot of careful research here, and it’s put to effective use in making your case. I was particularly impressed with the way you demonstrated the seriousness of the problem and am convinced of the importance of your company’s looking into it further. The report is well organized overall. There’s a nice hierarchical structure that’s reflected both visually and verbally. I would suggest in the section on Causes of Indoor Pollution that you make some kind of visual distinction between headings and subheadings. (One in capitals, the other not, for instance). I would also recommend you think about “punching up” your recommendations. As it stands, the report does a good job of detailing the problem, but doesn’t make it very clear what you want the company to do next. The recommendation is kind of buried in the end; your specific suggestions really need to be emphasized. You want to keep underlining that you want your company to take some action. Moreover, you should be clearer-and more emphatic (though politely so)--about what you want them to do. All that careful research has earned you this right. What follows are some specific questions or concerns (keyed to numbers in the margin of your text) that came up as I was reading. 1. This foreword is effective in making the organizational problem clear. But you don’t really state the technical problem and task--i.e., what you had to do to prepare this report. Making this explicit will help readers see the report’s value. 2. Is this part of the summary? It looks like a separate section, which is confusing since there’s already a later section called “Conclusions and Recommendations.” The paragraphs on this page are really central to your purpose. I think you could be clearer what you want your company to do. Remember who’s likely

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to read this section. It’s here that you not only have to establish the need (which you do), but also make very clear what kind of action you recommend. 3. This is a pretty cursory introduction. Remember that not everyone will read the whole report, from first to last page. This introduction is important in orienting readers to the body of the report. Can you use the introduction to make the context of the report clearer? 4. Can you make the organization of this section clearer? A preview statement and better headings would help establish the hierarchy of ideas here. 5. You might think about connecting this more specifically to your audience. Though you do have a section at the end on how this problem relates to “us,” readers might not get that far. The more you can tie into the reader’s needs--the more relevance you can establish throughout--the better. 6. After the seriousness of the problem you outline (illness, absenteeism, loss of profits, declining loyalties, etc.), these recommendations seem rather tame. Do you not want to go further than suggest writing off for pamphlets? Would it be better to recommend authorizing someone to take charge of this problem? I really enjoyed your participation in class this semester. I especially appreciated your tact and conscientiousness in the workshops, as well as the good questions you asked each of the speakers in their formal presentations. I think you’re a very strong writer and will make a very good teacher. Good luck in the future.

137

Mary Lay, University of Minnesota

Chapter 3

The Commentary of Mary Lay University of Minnesota

Mary M. Lay is an Associate Professor in the Department of Rhetoric at the University of Minnesota, Twin Cities. She wrote this chapter while Chair of the Department of Technical Communications at Clarkson University, where she taught technical communications for 14 years. She has three years’ experience as a supervising technical editor for IEEE Publications and John Wiley & Sons, Publishers. She is co-editor with William Karis of Collaborative Writing in Industry (Baywood 1991) and has published most recently on feminist theory and professional communication in the Journal of Business and Technical Communication and other collections. She is in charge of training and mentoring prospective teachers of scientific and technical communication at the University of Minnesota and is a past president of ATTW. With Billie Wahlstrom, she co-edits the Technical Communication Quarterly.

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Technical Writing: Student Samples and Teacher Responses

Letter of Application and Résumé

Description of Assignment An unsolicited letter of application and the accompanying résumé require solid persuasive strategies. I ask students to consider the résumé “evidence” for claims made in letters. The opening of the letter generally must provoke the reader’s interest, the middle of the letter stress connections between the student’s educational and work experience and the position sought, and the closing of the letter request action of the reader. The résumé must be easy to read or skim and as concrete as possible. Both letter and résumé must be error-free, and the spacing and format of the résumé, in particular, clear and consistent.

Explanation of Commentary Since students often send the letters of job application they write for a professional writing class, my comments vary with the students’ talent and effort. If they submit a letter full of spelling or grammatical errors, I help them eliminate these and hope that we can then work on content. If they produce a polished letter without substance, my comments suggest what more they can tell the reader about themselves. Students are usually eager to revise their letters, whether or not the assignment requires this revision. Robin’s letter is intelligent and thoughtful. Such sentences as “Often this has required one-on-one consultations where an author’s cooperation depended on how tactfully the necessary revisions were presented,” while expressed in the passive voice, convey that intelligence. Therefore, most of my comments stress points where Robin needs more detail, and rather than editing her sentences, I ask the questions the reader might raise and assume Robin will answer them in a revision. The success of the letter of job application can be measured directly by the reader’s offering the writer an interview. Since Robin must convince her reader to offer such an interview, even though the company is not presently interviewing Technical Communications majors, it is particularly important that she answer every possible question or objection. I ask her to do such things as identify her major within the first paragraph and clarify whether she wants the company to interview her on campus or invite her for a job trip. I caution her not to make exclusive statements, such as the “proper use of language” is “the primary concern of a writer or editor”—this company might think that technical accuracy is the most important writing concern. Since Robin has had an impressive internship experience, editing technical proposals,

Mary Lay, University of Minnesota

I suggest she describe a specific internship task that might duplicate possible writing assignments at this company. Also, while Robin gives a clear picture of her knowledge of the “two distinct writing processes,” she should research the company so that she can link her experience and their needs. In addition, Robin needs to close with a request for specific action. Again, as with the letter, I mark every spacing, format, grammatical, and stylistic problem on the résumé. In other assignments, I might indicate only the most important areas for improvement so as not to overwhelm the student. Since Robin will send out this résumé, I want to catch as much as possible. Robin’s résumé is well planned and the information easy to find, so I can concentrate on minor refinements. For example, I point out type inconsistencies, such as her use of caps and boldface for “CLARKSON RESEARCH DIVISION” but not for “Niagara County Golf Course.” I also make sure the information on the résumé is useful and concrete. If a résumé contains a job “objective,” that statement should give the reader confidence that the applicant wants the position available. Robin’s job objective is so vague that it is of little use. Some of her descriptions of job duties, such as “worked in group situations” and “establishing CUSA recognition” also need clarification. Finally, I make sure that the letter and résumé are coordinated. While Robin describes both her majors in her letter, she lists coursework only from her Technical Communications major and Economics concentration (“minor”) on her résumé.

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October 1, 1990 Clarkson University Box 8836 Potsdam, NY 13699-8836 Jill Shea Communication Systems Division GTE Government Systems Corporation 77 “A” Street Needham Heights, MA 02194-2892 Dear Ms. Shea:

what is it?

do you need to make this connection clear? Is he in the same division?

on campus? or a job trip?

At the Clarkson Industrial Fair on September 19, Mike Langlois talked with me regarding employment possibilities as a technical editor or writer. Although GTE will be interviewing at Clarkson on October 11, my major was not scheduled. Therefore, I am requesting an interview. A senior double major in Technical Communications and the Humanities, I have experience in two distinct writing processes. My academic work and activities have involved projects from the planning stage to publication. only or one?

The proper use of language is the primary concern of a writer or editor. My experience as a Technical Editor for the Clarkson Research Division reinforced that concern. As indicated on my resume, I edited professors’ research proposals and professional papers. Each manuscript had to communicate effectively and appropriately, concerning a specific audience and form. My supervisor’s evaluations indicated that I achieved this without compromising the author’s style or content. As Editor of the Looking Glass literary magazine, I have learned to work within the constraints of a manuscript’s genre and an author’s expectations. Often this has required one-on-one consultations where an author’s cooperation depended on how tactfully the necessary revisions were presented. Thank you for your consideration, and I look forward to your response. Such as? Give an example appropriate to her Link this with Robin Maie Clark the position there. division? effective style, Robin. You Enclosure need to be less suggestive and more concrete. And you do have room to expand the letter. Do more research on this company and job. Really an error-free letter! Sincerely,

effective insight.

what advice do you want? ask for something specific

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ROBIN MAIE CLARK Current Address: Clarkson University Box 8836 Potsdam, NY 13699-8836 (315) 268-4343 OBJECTIVE EDUCATION

PermanentAddress: 4576 Day Road Lockport, NY 14094 (716) 433-6264

somewhat vague. Employment as a (technical) editor or writer. within industry? any particular type? CLARKSON UNIVERSITY Potsdam, NY Bachelor of Science make clear this is a double major Technical Communications, Professional Concentration in Economics Humanities May 1991 GPA first major - 3.458/4.0; second major - 4.0/4.0; overall - 3.250/4.0.

RELEVANT COURSES

Microeconomics Macroeconomics Managerial Economics History of Economic Thought Economic Principles

Technical Editing Technical Journalism and Public Relations Business and Professional Speaking Publication Design and Desktop Publishing Mass Media I see no courses from your second major here RELEVANT CLARKSON RESEARCH DIVISION Potsdam, NY EXPERIENCE Technical Writer Fall 89 or Edited and organized professors’ engineering proposals for industrial and government research grants. Also edited papers submitted to professional journals. see style below EMPLOYMENT Advertising, East Amherst, NY Programmed and edited electronic boards, using an IBM-PC and modem; worked a company independently, opening and closing business; Summer 1989. name? vague see style Niagara County Golf Course, Lockport, NY above Handled clerical work and cashiered; worked independently and in group situations; bold, opened and closed business; Summer 1990. caps? HONORS Research paper placed within top five accepted by Lambda Pi Eta for presentation at the 1990 Speech Communication Association national convention. Dean’s List: Fall & Spring 1989, Spring 1990 Who’s Who specifically? Clarkson Trustee Scholarship ACTIVITIES

The Looking Glass literary magazine Poetry Editor: Fall 1988 & Spring 1989 surely other Editor: Fall 1989, Fall & Spring 1990 duties as Establishing CUSA recognition well Yearbook writer will the reader know Psychology Club Robin – a few what this means? Theatre Club suggestions – And make International Students Organization, Conversation Partners sure your format is Speech Communication Association student member consistent. Very easy to read or skim. Available upon request.

REFERENCES

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Instructions Description of Assignment Effective instructions must be clear, safe, and complete. Students can create effective instructions if they actually assemble a device (for example, using tinker toys as in this assignment) and then write instructions on how to assemble and operate the device. Instructors who have the device parts before them can then reassemble the device, role playing the reader or user. This is the best way to offer students feedback. If students collaborate on the assignment, as three did here, they can more easily check and double-check for completeness.

Explanation of Commentary Since most readers resist assembly instructions, writers must motivate readers to read and follow the instructions step by step, ensuring the readers’ cooperation in the beginning and encouraging them as they go along. The writers, Lyle Johnson, Derick Deleo, and Mary Jo Skodzinsky, open with a friendly caution to their readers—”best results” are obtained by reading through the instructions entirely before beginning the assembly of the fan. They are less successful in encouraging their readers at significant points in the instructions. I suggest that a series of small diagrams and statements (such as “If you have followed steps 1 through 6 successfully, you should now see ...”) would give the reader that necessary feedback and, as a second benefit, break up what might appear to be an overwhelming list of steps. I indicate the points where Lyle, Derick, and Mary Jo might include these statements or diagrams. A parts list and a complete illustration of the device should appear in the beginning of assembly instructions. I check these, again role playing the reader, to make sure Lyle, Derick, and Mary Jo use figures and expressions in the most common way, and that their expressions are precise. For example, I remind them that dimensions are more meaningful to the reader than subjective words such as “small.” Since parentheses around numbers usually indicate placement on a list, rather than number of parts, they might confuse the reader. Also, “4 five-hole wheels” would be clearer than “(4) five hole wheels.” Finally, their exploded diagram should help the reader check parts and envision assembly (in fact, most readers could not complete the assembly without the diagram). A diagram of the assembled device would ensure that the reader completes what I think is the most confusing section of the instructions, “Gravitational Motor.”

Mary Lay, University of Minnesota

Generally in instructions, each action step should appear separately, as one item in the list; I point out where Lyle, Derick, and Mary Jo violate this rule. They do begin each step with an action, using caps for emphasis. I have edited some steps, such as “(These become BLADE PIECES),” to encourage them to look again at style. In general, I am adding information that they may have assumed the readers could gather on their own, so I am often role playing the least informed reader. Finally, writers may assume that once the device is assembled, it’s up and running. Lyle, Derick, and Mary Jo need to treat their operating instructions with as much care as their assembling instructions. Because these instructions were generally well-displayed and thorough, I could focus on my role as actual user. Whenever I felt in the least confused, I noted this to Lyle, Derick, and Mary Jo. Had there been any danger that my confusion would cause damage to the device or injury to myself, I would have asked them for WARNINGS or CAUTIONS.

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Congratulations! You are the proud new owner of the WOODTECH DESKTOP GRAVITATIONAL FAN! The DESKTOP GRAVITATIONAL FAN is designed to quietly relieve tension and stress as well as provide a cool, relaxing breeze with desktop convenience. Your new DESKTOP GRAVITATIONAL FAN is powered naturally, by the force of gravity, so that there are no batteries to ever be replaced, and no annoying electrical cord to get in your way. The DESKTOP GRAVITATIONAL FAN is as much fun to assemble as it is to use. By carefully following these instructions, your DESKTOP GRAVITATIONAL FAN will provide endless hours of maintainance-free service and enjoyment. friendly opening – should motivate reader. FOR THE BEST RESULTS, WE ENCOURAGE YOU TO TAKE A FEW MINUTES TO READ THROUGH THESE INSTRUCTIONS BEFORE BEGINNING THE ASSEMBLY OF YOUR DESKTOP GRAVITATIONAL FAN

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one word DESK TOP GRAVITATIONAL FAN ASSEMBLY AND OPERATING INSTRUCTIONS

PARTS LIST eliminate parentheses – confusing. Looks (1) large plastic base like list numbers (2) medium plastic bases (2) small plastic bases (4) five–hole wheels (4) one hole wheels (2) long sticks (12) medium sticks (6) short sticks

five-hole wheels, etc. Use hyphen– modifier

give dimensions– "small"/"long" are subjective words

(4) triangular blades (1) plastic cylinder (1) plastic cap (1) plastic washer (1) string generally a clear diagram– how about after assembly? do you need a second diagram?

Place above the list. BEFORE PROCEEDING WITH ASSEMBLY MAKE SURE THAT NONE OF THE ABOVE PARTS ARE MISSING AND REVIEW THE SCHEMATIC TO THE RIGHT.

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Technical Writing: Student Samples and Teacher Responses

TOWER ASSEMBLY

one action per sentence. 1. PLACE one MEDIUM BASE face up on a level surface and INSERT the two LONG STICKS into the holes on the two– holed edge of the MEDIUM BASE. 2. INSERT two MEDIUM STICKS into the two holes in the opposite edge of the MEDIUM BASE. 3. INSERT the other end of these MEDIUM STICKS into the two–holed edge of the second MEDIUM BASE keeping the base face up. 4. INSERT two additional MEDIUM STICKS into the empty two–holed side of the second MEDIUM BASE. 5. INSERT the other end of these MEDIUM STICKS into the edge of one of the SMALL BASES keeping the base face up. 6. INSERT two additional MEDIUM STICKS into the opposite edge of the SMALL BASE and then ATTACH the last SMALL BASE as in STEP 5. stop here and explain what it 7. INSERT one SHORT STICK into the center hole on the face of the last SMALL BASE. should look like– give 8. SLIP a FIVE HOLE WHEEL through the center hole onto the SMALL STICK and PLACE small the PLASTIC CAP on the end of the SHORT STICK. divide diagram. sentence here 9. PLACE the LARGE BASE face up on a level surface. This base has been fitted with two rows of eight holes each and a center row of seven holes. From either narrow end, locate the second and third holes of an eight-hole row. CAREFULLY INSERT the LONG STICKS of the TOWER ASSEMBLY into these holes. on surface and edge? sides only? 10. INSERT one MEDIUM STICK into each of the first and last holes of both of the eight holesides of the LARGE BASE. explain – will the reader confuse with surface holes FAN ASSEMBLY write out another small diagram – see step 1above. 1. INSERT (1) TRIANGULAR BLADE’s short side into the slot at oneto endshow of eachresult? of four SHORT STICKS. (BLADE PIECES) these become . . . 2. INSERT the BLADE PIECES into the curved-sided holes of a ONE HOLE WHEEL so that opposing blade pieces are vertically opposite and the slanted edges all slant in the same manner. (FAN) these become . . . 3. SLIP the PLASTIC WASHER onto the end of the remaining SHORT STICK leaving about 1/4 inch of the stick’s end exposed. (AXLE) this forms . . . be exact 4. INSERT the washer end of the AXLE into the center hole of the FAN. 5. SLIP the AXLE through the center hole of the PLASTIC CYLINDER. 6. SLIP one end of the STRING into the slot of the exposed end of the AXLE.

show 7. INSERT the string end of the AXLE into the center hole of a ONE HOLE WHEEL. after assembly in a diagram.

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8. INSERT one end of a MEDIUM STICK into one end of the PLASTIC CYLINDER. (FAN ASSEMBLY) farthest 9. INSERT the FAN ASSEMBLY into the second center hole of the BASE at the end furthest from the TOWER ASSEMBLY so that the string end of the AXLE is closest to the TOWER and the AXLE is parallel to the long sides of the BASE. again – show this in a small diagram GRAVITATIONAL MOTOR 1. SLIP the free end of the string through the center of a ONE HOLE WHEEL and then SLIP the end of the string through the slot at the end of the remaining MEDIUM STICK (leave about 1/4 inch of string loose.) 2. INSERT the MEDIUM STICK into the center of the ONE HOLE WHEEL. 3. SLIP three FIVE HOLE WHEELS onto the MEDIUM STICK through their center holes. 4. INSERT the free end of the MEDIUM STICK into the center of the last remaining ONE HOLE WHEEL. 5. WIND the string onto the AXLE by turning the FAN ASSEMBLY manually leaving show this enough slack to reach and pass over the top of the TOWER ASSEMBLY. 6. HOLD the GRAVITATIONAL MOTOR in your right hand and LAY the STRING in placement either of the two grooves of the FIVE HOLE WHEEL at the top of the TOWER here is ASSEMBLY. hard to visualize. OPERATING INSTRUCTIONS By gently releasing the gravitational motor from its fully wound position at the top of the tower assembly gravity will provide the energy necessary to power the fan. (A gentle nudge may be necessary to start the motor.) When the motor comes to rest and the fan stops, you may rewind the string around the axle and run it over the top wheel as before to power the fan again. Continue operating the fan until you have relieved your tension, completed your thoughts, or fully refreshed yourself. should these steps be listed? Generally clear. You need some diagrams showing parts after assembly – to give the reader confidence. You have handled action well.

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Technical Writing: Student Samples and Teacher Responses

Proposal Description of Assignment A modification of a case within Elizabeth Tebeaux’s Design of Business Communications: The Process and the Product (New York: MacMillan, 1990, pp. 333-334) provides the basis for this proposal assignment. The credit department manager of a large urban department store supervises credit analysts who work in front of a computer. Lately, the analysts have been complaining of back pain. Tebeaux sets the case at a time when the credit manager has already investigated and decided to purchase new chairs. I ask the students to go back in time, before the manager collected much information, and propose that he (called Mario Valdez in the case, although most students use their own names) be allowed to investigate such a purchase. Tebeaux provides the necessary facts of the case, but students may add detail as long as they do not diminish the challenge of the assignment. Students know that they must establish their own credibility as the proper person to investigate the problem, must explain their methodology and the cost of the investigation, and include the possible benefits to the company and its personnel. They must propose that this problem, perhaps in competition with others, should receive priority.

Explanation of Commentary One problem that Dave and other students had with this assignment was finding enough information to justify a thorough proposal. With this case in particular, I wanted to praise students who did add detail to the published case to produce a solid proposal. For example, Dave added a plan for trying out each chair and named the employees involved. However, I also suggest other logical additions to the case; for example, if the case states that Robert Gould has been under a doctor’s care for back pain, soliciting an evaluation of Gould’s condition after testing each chair might be an option. Noting these logical extensions may prevent students from just rearranging facts in published cases and encourage them to imagine how they might tackle such problems in the “real world.” In this assignment, I also look for successful handling of the traditional sections of a proposal. While I try not to prescribe exact genres or formats in professional writing, these traditional sections can help students organize and display their ideas. Also, because a proposal may compete not only for the reader’s attention but also corporate funds, I check to see how persuasive students have been while using traditional proposal sections. When students write a lengthy summary, such as Dave has, they often fall into a narrative,

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rather than persuasive pattern. Thus I comment on where Dave could shorten his summary, how late his main request comes in the summary, and the clearly stated company benefits of his project that could be moved from his concluding comments to his introductory comments. Since a proposal requests permission for future action, the reader checks for a realistic and detailed plan. Dave overwrites his methodology section, given the detail he and the case provide; however, his lengthy descriptions indicate that he knows the importance of the methodology or “plan” sections, so I try to give him as much credit as possible in these sections. For example, while Dave does not overtly claim that he is the best person to conduct such research, his thorough description of methodology should establish his ethos, and his well-displayed information in lists and tables add to his credibility. But, I do challenge him to eliminate any vagueness in his plan; for example, the case has provided one possible way to break a tie in his subjects’ preferences—seek the medical community’s opinion. Finally, although Dave has a clear and direct style, I edit some of his sentences to help him polish his writing. For example, no hyphen is required to link an adverb and an adjective as in “specially designed chairs.” Also, I revise Dave’s sentences so that the placement of appendices does not drive his sentences (“Figure 1, found in the Appendix, is a letter from Roberts’ orthopedist, Dr. Kelly Pecham, stating that Robert needs a specially designed computer chair to support his back”), but rather the importance of these documents becomes his main focus (“A letter from Robert’s orthopedist, Dr. Kelly Pecham, states that Robert needs a specially designed computer chair to support his back [Appendix A]”).

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TO: Sewell Marquette, Comptroller FROM: Dave Daywalt, Credit Department Manager SUBJECT: Proposal for Selecting and Purchasing SpeciallyDesigned Chairs for Credit Department Employees

no hyphen

DATE: November 12, 1990 Summary Since all customer accounts are computerized, credit department employees spendtheir entire day working at their computer terminals. Thus, it is important that their workplace be designed for intense computer work. best word? "comfortable"? and why? what benefit? Three months ago the planned remodeling of the credit department offices was completed and the old desks and chairs were replaced. The desks and chairs we now have in the department are the standard models being purchased company-wide. While the desks have proven to be conveniently structured, the chairs are not conducive to computer work. As a result, many of the credit analysts and billing clerks have begun experiencing back problems. The chairs are not giving them the lower back support necessary to lean forward at a computer terminal for eight hours a day. Two employees have already been transferred to different departments because of back problems, and a third employee is suffering from back well-stated, but does it spasms. come late in the To solve this problem, I propose to select and purchase chairs that are specially designed for summary? could workers who spend long hours at computer terminals. I have called all six local office underline furniture companies, and two companies, Office Ergonomics and Comfort Systems, have chairs designed for computer work. They have each agreed to let me borrow their chair for for emphasis. four weeks so that the employees can try it. In order to determine the better chair, I will have four employees try both chairs and report their evaluations to me. Based on their evaluations, I will select their preferred chair. I will then recommend that 26 of those chairs be purchased in order to accommodate the 26 credit department employees. could shorten description very clear style of methods – save for later? Rationale for Purchasing Chairs Since the credit department employees began using the new company-wide chair model, back pain complaints have become fairly common. Three of the nine credit analysts and nine of the twelve billing clerks have complained of increasing back pain. A fourth credit analyst, Robert Gould, has been forced to leave work early on several occasions because of back spasms. Figure 1, found in the Appendix, is a letter from Robert’s es orthopedist, Dr. Kelly Pecham, stating that Robert needs a specially-designed computer chair to support his back. Dr. Pecham writes that the Office Ergonomics computer chair is highly recommended by the AmericanOrthopedics Society. (Appendix A). use this form Two former billing clerks, Janice Downs and Debbie Collins, have been transferred to other departments because of back problems. Figure 2, found in the Appendix, is the documentation for their transfers. The two memos shown there each state that the reason for the transfer was increasing back pain resulting from working long hours at a computer terminal. (see Appendix B).

in Appendix B

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Thus, the current chairs are causing serious discomfort for many of the department employees. This has already resulted in the loss of two experienced employees and the documented injury of a third. These events indicate that the continued use of these chairs will have a negative impact on the overall health and well-being of the department employees. This is likely to lead to increased absenteeism and turnover within the department. For this reason it is necessary to purchase chairs specially designed for computer work. good points – seem logical. can you stress even more? Last week I called all six local office furniture companies and discussed the problem with them. They all agreed that the department employees need specially-designed chairs that will better support their backs. However, only two of the companies, Office Ergonomics and Comfort Systems, carry this type ofchair.

Plan for Evaluating Chairs

Jim Owens from Office Ergonomics and R. B. Casey from Comfort Systems have each agreed to let me borrow a chair for four weeks so the department employees can try it out. I will have four employees try both chairs and evaluate them. I have selected the following four representative employees to try the chairs: effective additional detail Robert Gould - credit analyst reporting back problems to the case Mark Wilton - credit analyst not reporting back problems Nancy Anton - billing clerk reporting back problems Colleen Dale - billing clerk not reporting back problems Shown below is the schedule for trying the chairs : colon Employee

O.E. Chair

C.S. Chair

Robert Gould Mark Wilton Nancy Anton Colleen Dale

week 1 week 2 week 3 week 4

week 2 week 1 week 4 week 3

a good plan – but if you could borrow more chairs, you could shorten the time frame. and, should you get a "medical" evaluation too?

Upon completion of the four-week try-out period, I will compile the evaluations of the four employees and select the better chair based on their evaluations. Finally, I will prepare a report recommending the purchase of the better chair. Method of Selecting a Chair Before each of the four employees begins trying the two specially-designedchairs, I will ask him or her to write down his or her feelings and observations regarding the comfort of his or her current office chair. Then, immediately after each of them completes trying a chair, I will ask him or her to write down his or her feelings and observations regarding the comfort of that chair. Since this will be a subjective evaluation, I will not supply any kind of structured evaluation sheets to them for this purpose. After trying both chairs, I will then ask each of them to rank the three chairs (the two specially-designed chairs and the current chair) from most comfortable to least comfortable using the following short form:

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Please indicate your ranking of the three chairs by filling in the appropriate numbers beside each chair. Note that 1 = most comforable and 3 = least comfortable. _ Current Chair _ Office Ergonomics Chair _ Comfort Systems Chair They will submit their rankings and their feelings and observations notes to me. I will total all their rankings and select the chair with the lowest total. In case of a tie, I will review their feelings and observations notes in order to make the selection. seems somewhat vague. What might you be looking for?

Time Requirements

The following timetable shows the time requirements for evaluating and selecting a new chair: 1. Have employees try the two chairs and evaluate them. 2. Select the chair with the most comfortable ranking.

November 19 December 14 well displayed – December 17 you do this well throughout

3. Submit a recommendation for purchasing the selected chair.

December 19

Possible Problems sp

There are no serious forseeable problems with the evaluation and selection process. Some employees may question how I chose the group of four employees to evaluate the chairs, but I will explain to them that I did this based on forming a representative group. The four-week evaluation time period should run smoothly. Selecting the better chair should pose no problems unless the total rankings are a tie. In that situation, I should be able to choose the better chair by reviewing the employees’ feelings and observations. If this still does not resolve the tie, I will simply select the chair with the lower cost. In the highly unlikely situation that neither of the two chairs are preferred over the current chair, I will not recommend either of them for purchase. again, since Gould is under doctor's care, get the "medical" opinion too?

Cost I have attached

(see Appendix C).

Figure 3, found in the Appendix, contains the cost letters and chair descriptions from Office Ergonomics and Comfort Systems. No overtime will be required to complete the evaluation and selection process, since the time demands it places on myself and the employees are minimal. Thus, the only cost is the cost of the 26 chairs to be purchased. The following table shows the total cost for each of the two chairs to be considered for purchase:

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Chair

Cost per Chair

Total Cost

Office Ergonomics

$804.55

$20,918.30

Comfort Systems

$ 753.30

$ 19,585.80

add throughout

Certainly, these are costly chairs. However, this purchase must be considered as a long-term investment that will directly benefit the health and well-being of the department employees. From this viewpoint, it is a justifiable cost. a solid statement – could appear in the Intro/Summary as well.

Conclusion In order to insure the continued health and well-being of the credit department employees, as well as to avoid potential increased absenteeism and turnover, itis necessary to select and purchase a specially-designed chair for all department employees. Please call me at ext. 7675 so we can further discuss this proposal. The proposal is somewhat long for the amount of information it contains. Try involving the "medical" community more? You use the traditional parts of the proposal well, and have generally added useful detail to the case, but could you shorten the summary and still add a clear statement of benefit of this project, as you do at the end of the proposal?

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Analytical Report Description of Assignment This informal report assignment comes from Elizabeth Tebeaux’s Design of Business Communications: The Process and the Product (New York: Macmillan, 1990, pp. 246-249). The writer, as local chair of the annual regional convention for the Gamma Society—Southwest, must recommend a convention site in Metropolis, based on a number of requirements. For example, the hotel must accommodate 1200 people, the cost of a single room must be less than $90 per day, an adequate number of conference rooms must be available, refreshments must be served each morning. Other needs include access to the Metropolis Entertainment Center. A map of downtown Metropolis and a Chamber of Commerce evaluation of all hotels offer students additional information. Of 12 possible hotels, Tebeaux herself narrows choices to four, and, although she asks students to recommend two out of the four hotels, I challenge students to settle on one. Since Tebeaux gives complete characteristics of each hotel, some students merely apply the criteria to these characteristics. However, I urge students to avoid simply duplicating Tebeaux’s hotel descriptions within their reports. I allow students to add detail to the case as long as they do not diminish the case challenge. In this assignment, they must explain their method of collecting information, analyze and evaluate that information according to the criteria, and present a persuasive recommendation. Additionally, they must display information so that it is accessible, demonstrate their knowledge of the traditional sections of an information report, and, if they choose, find ways to be imaginative and creative in their interpretation and application of criteria.

Explanation of Commentary My comments represent, as much as possible, a dialogue with the student, rather than “corrections.” I try to ask questions, suggest strategies, and highlight places in the report that work particularly well or hinder the reading process as I role play the Gamma Society President. At this point in the semester (10 weeks into a 14-week semester), I expect a relatively error-free report and a knowledge of the traditional parts of a report. I want to see students’ analytical strategies and how these were used to interpret and display information. Amy’s introduction is long for such a short, informal report. I want to note this, so she can consider being more precise in the future, but I do so only in the context of her successes in the introduction. She added some detail to the

Mary Lay, University of Minnesota

case (for example, her living in Metropolis for 20 years) so she could establish credibility, and she selected the most important of several criteria given in the case. Students often do not weigh the criteria; clearly Amy did not feel that all criteria were of equal importance, and I praise her for making these judgments. Finally, after reading Amy’s introduction, the reader will know the content and organization of the report that follows. She assumes that the reader probably set the criteria for selection and elects not to restate these; I acknowledge her assumption to assure her that I am interested in the decisions she made in the pre-writing stage. Since Amy generally writes clearly and correctly, I assume that circling or correcting the few stylistic, grammatical, and punctuation errors I find sufficiently encourages Amy. I do call her attention to her words “unlikely choice” and the negative connotations she may raise so that she continues to be sensitive to diction. Not only does Amy successfully role play the Gamma Society local chair, but she also interprets her selection criteria as a convention participant would—the “end user.” For example, within Amy’s “Criteria for Selection” section, the reader finds such statements as “It is frustrating and inefficient to stay at one hotel and hold conferences in a different building,” statements that confirm her goodwill toward that end user. I suggest to Amy that she should share with the reader why she lists food before conference rooms and entertainment in the list of criteria, and, in doing so, I remind her that lists can indicate priority. In her “Process of Hotel Evaluation” section, Amy’s additions to the original case once more confirm her ethos and persuade her reader that she has gathered sufficient information to make a judgment. Because these build upon Tebeaux’s case criteria, I praise Amy’s imagination and logic. Also, Amy has done her best to analyze rather than describe how each hotel meets the criteria. Comments such as the Landmark being “far enough from the downtown area that nights are relatively quiet” demonstrate a mind at work, rather than a student summarizing facts given in a published case. Finally, since students often fail to recognize the distinction between conclusions and recommendations, I note that Amy moves from a logical conclusion to an action step, but I also ask questions the reader might have, such as about deadlines. Since Amy obviously understands the other sections of a traditional, informal report, I do not comment further; however, in this assignment, I expect students to state their recommendations in the beginning of the report and to use subheads, lists, and other graphic devices to aid the reader. In end comments, I try to give students at least one word of praise and one suggestion for the next assignment. For example, I might say something like “effective organization but inadequate detail.” In Amy’s case, I end with praise alone, since she went beyond the typical reponse to the case.

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TO:

Mark Coffee, Gamma Society President

FROM:

Amy Matsumoto, Regional Convention Chair

DATE:

October 30, 1990

SUBJECT: Hotel Selection for Annual Conference Introduction During the past two months, I investigated possible hotel accommodations for our annual regional convention. When conducting my hotel search, my main concern was to find a hotel which met the criteria for a successful convention. Since I have lived in the Metropolis area for twenty years, I am familiar with the area’s hotel accommodations. Therefore, I was able to well established meet with hotel management to discuss conference and dining facilities. ethos

After an initial review of the city’s twelve hotels, I was able to eliminate eight because they were either unavailable or did not meet the Society’s guidelines. One did not have enough available rooms, and three were not designed to handle conferences. The remaining four hotels have enough rooms to accommodate 1,200 people. Based on the arrangement committee’s guidelines and my knowledge of Metropolis, I have evaluated the four hotels on the following criteria: * dining and food facilities * conference accommodations * entertainment accessibility

indeed, I think it's OK not to restate these

so these are the remaining essential criteria? seems logical

Room cost is not a consideration since the four hotels have approximately the same room rate. Entertainment discounts were also bypassed, because better group discounts can be obtained through other sources. a somewhat long introduction –

The following report will explain my criteria selection, evaluation, and recommendation. but a thorough Recommendation

preview of what's to come

I recommend that The Landmark Hotel be used for next year’s conference. This may seem like an unlikely choice since it is located fourteen blocks from the downtown area. However, it meets and exceeds all the criteria, and shouldbe an excellent host for our conference. Criteria for Selection

an interesting choice – Does "unlikely" raise too much doubt?

When determining which hotel would be used for the conference, I used the three most crucial criteria. 1. Hotels need fine restaurant and banquet facilities. In past years, conference participants have been disappointed with the lackluster fare served at selected are these in hotels. I made it a priority to select hotel with excellent restaurants and diverse any s banquet menus. particular order?

2. Hotels need adequate accommodations for our conferences and business meetings. Since the majority of our day will be spent attending meetings and seminars, it is crucial that the hotel have ten conference rooms with a 40-50 person capacity and two rooms with a twenty person capacity. It is frustrating and inefficient to stay at consistent use of figures needed

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Mary Lay, University of Minnesota

good

one hotel and hold conferences in a different building. identification

with "end user"

3. Hotels should offer easy access to both the Entertainment Center and the Sports space Complex. Since all of the conference’s scheduled activities end by 5:00p.m. every day, most members like to enjoy the city’s culture and nightlife. During the time of our conference the Entertainment Center will be hosting an annual Jazz Festival; and our local baseball team, The Metro Marsupials play two home games at the Sports Complex. Therefore, it would be nice if the hotel were either close to these comma places, or offered frequent transportation to these locations. Process of Hotel Evaluation

clear and imaginative use of criteria

My search for the perfect hotel included the following activities: * I met with each hotel manager to discuss our needs and the hotel’s accommodations * I was given a complete tour of each hotel, which included meeting the restaurant chefs and sampling their specialties. * I made sure I was aware of each hotel’s discounts and special services. * I consulted the Chamber of Commerce’s hotel survey, but found those results to be inconsistent with my own. * I sent a brief questionnaire to conference participants who’ve attended more than five Gamma Conferences. I used their priorities as my most important criteria. After completing my two month study of the Metropolis Hotels, I am convinced that The Landmark Hotel is the best place for next year’s conference. Evaluation of the Four Hotels

excellent additions to the case — All make sense.

1. The Huntington is located within walking distance of the Entertainment Center. However, this is not necessarily a bonus, because it is in the heart of the downtown area which is often extremely noisy at night. It has only five large conference rooms. Additional space would have to be rented from the Convention Center Annex. Also, The Huntington only offers a buffet style banquet with a limited menu. comma splice

2. Victorian Arms is also in close proximity to the downtown area. It has adequate conference rooms, however audiovisual equipment must be rented at the rate of $300 per day. This seems unreasonable since the hotel charges the highest conference set up fee. Finally, Victorian Arms has only one restaurant which serves traditional American fare. 3. The Royal Inn has fine banquet services which include nine diverse menus. However, this may be the hotel’s only saving grace. The Inn is located nine blocks from the Entertainment Center, but it only offers downtown bus service twice a day. The Inn’s greatest flaw is that it has no conference or business rooms large enough for our needs. The Inn’s management has offered to reserve us conference space at the nearby National Bank, but this would cost $4000 before audiovisual rental. 4. The Landmark is fourteen blocks from the Entertainment Center. This is a good distance well put because it is far enough from the downtown area that the nights are relatively quiet. The Landmark conveniently offers free bus service to the Entertainment Center every half hour. It is also very close to the Sports Complex. It offers thirty conference rooms that seat twenty five people. However, this number can be doubled without looking crowded. Audiovisual equipment is fully furnished. Finally, this hotel boast the finest dining facilities in the city. It offers five banquet rooms with many diverse, ethnic menus. Other dining facilities include: four restaurants, two dining rooms, and a breakfast grill.

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Technical Writing: Student Samples and Teacher Responses

Conclusion I am confident that The Landmark will meet all our conference needs. I am currently working with three other conference chairs to obtain large group discounts for the entertainment events occurring during the conference. When all conference decisions are finalized, I will submit a detailed itinerary to the central office. Recommendations I recommend that we reserve 800 rooms at The Landmark for next year’s conference. If you anticipate more than 800 members attending, please let me know. by any particular date?

these build well upon each other

a creative report. shows a real mind at work. An unusual, but seemingly justified choice. clear display of information.

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Sherry Burgus Little, San Diego State University

Chapter 4

The Commentary of Sherry Burgus Little San Diego State University

Sherry Burgus Little teaches at San Diego State University, where she has directed the Technical and Scientific Writing Program since she started it in 1982. Since 1989, she has also been Director of Composition Program Development. She has taught at the high school, community college, and university levels and is a consultant to business and industry and a technical writer and editor. She has co-authored and edited technical books with McGraw-Hill, Houghton Mifflin, American Technical Society, and Prentice-Hall publishing companies and contributed chapters to books published by the Association of Teachers of Technical Writing and Croom Helm. She has also published articles in The Journal of Technical Writing and Communication, Computers and Composition, The Technical Writing Teacher, and other journals and proceedings. She is currently working on a book on the rhetoric of ethics in technical communication. She is active in a number of professional organizations, including the Rocky Mountain Modern Language Association (President 1990-91, Vice President 1989-90), the Association of Teachers of Technical Writing (Memberat-Large 1990-92; MLA/ATTW Liaison 1990-92; Vice President 1992-1994), The Council for Programs in Technical and Scientific Communication (Secretary 1991-92), and the Society for Technical Communication (Associate Fellow 1992; Manager, Student Chapter Development Committee).

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Introduction When explaining to students how I evaluate their writing, I usually use the word “dialogue” to emphasize that my reading and responding to their papers is not “grading” them. I prefer to de-emphasize my role as a teachergrader and create an atmosphere in which my role is closer to a facilitator, a created persona that tries to respond to their prose as their audience might, marking items we need to discuss. This dialogue is reinforced by other activities. Like most technical writing classes, my classes use peer review while work is in progress. Students also respond to my comments in the revisions required on all papers. Although inevitably each person is marked with a letter grade, foremost in my mind is always that my responses to specific areas in their writing help them to become better writers. With this as my guiding principle, my practice includes some of the following: 1. Like most writing teachers, I first read a paper in its entirety to assess its major strengths and weaknesses without stopping to respond. 2. Before beginning the second reading, I plan what elements in the document I will comment on to open the dialogue. For example, if the document is filled with surface, mechanical problems, I will choose which ones I will call to the student’s attention (comma splices and fragments, that is, rather than missing commas). Because I want students to address higher order concerns in our dialogues, I use a hierarchical list of “problems” in making my plan for responding, starting with the most distracting as the most critical to fix and ending with the more sophisticated, stylistic elements that advanced students need to work on. I create, in other words, items in a priority list. This practice does not mean, however, that I would choose not to comment on one or two especially awkward sentences in a paper in which distracting, mechanical problems abound. My plans urge the students to concentrate on ridding their prose of the most egregious problems first by concentrating my remarks on these deviations from accepted practice, commenting sparingly or not at all on any other less distracting problems that might appear. The goal here, of course, is not to overwhelm students with responses to so many problems that students feel their writing is worthless and improvement impossible. And, of course, I plan at this time what I will comment on for the positive things I see as well. 3. During this second reading, I note the mechanical problems I have placed into the higher priority category of my response plan, using both statements and typical kinds of marginal symbols. Sometimes these symbols are accompanied by questions to help the students see what is so distracting or to help them find in their handbooks the information they need in order to understand how to revise their writing, but often the symbols alone are enough.

Sherry Burgus Little, San Diego State University

It’s with this practice of using symbols that how I respond to student writing might differ from what other writing teachers do. I know that using these symbols and marking the problems they stand for is considered by some as a questionable practice: see, for example, Chris M. Anson, ed., Writing and Response: Theory, Practice, and Research (Urbana, IL: NCTE, 1989); Richard H. Haswell, “Minimal Marking,” College English 45 (1983):600-4; Elaine O. Lees, “Evaluating Student Writing,” College Composition and Communication 30 (1979):370-74; Nancy Sommers, “Responding to Student Writing,” College Composition and Communication 33 (1982):148-56. I also know that close reading and heavy marking of all student papers is not considered always essential (see Gene Stanford et al., eds., How to Handle the Paper Load, Urbana, IL: NCTE, 1979), and that, in fact, many voices of composition specialists are raised in opposition to this practice. I continue this practice, however, because of the public nature of technical communication. Responding to student writing in technical communication requires a perspective that is different from the kind of perspective a teacher might have when responding to student writing in other types of composition classes. Technical communication is essentially public discourse; that is, unlike private discourse such as a diary or a letter to a friend or an essay written for a teacher and oneself, technical communication is written for a specific audience as a public document, with a pragmatic function to serve. The professional image of a company or a person frequently relies on this discourse. Students must learn then the rhetorical considerations in writing: that is, the writer and writer’s role, the audience, and the context in which their writing works. Emphasizing my role again as a marker of papers rather than the grader, I want students to perceive me as helping them, not slapping their hands. I sense the tension that exists between the principle and my practice of using symbols to mark problems. I have been able to resolve this tension to my satisfaction by realizing the public nature of technical discourse. Consequently, certain grey areas, possibly distracting but not necessarily “incorrect” usages, become important to discuss. These usages may be potential problems that readers in other types of writing classes would not choose to respond to. In addition, codes for marking manuscripts, like editing and proofreading symbols and other such codes, are used frequently in technical communication, and I am convinced that students need a taste of such codes before they encounter them in their professional writing. To evaluate my own reflections on this practice, I ask students to complete a questionnaire at the end of each semester. I ask them to tell me whether they are more anxious when their papers come back heavily marked up. Their responses have been overwhelmingly in support of my marking practice, and thus I continue it despite the voices in opposition to its use. When I choose to write questions or recommendations for changes on papers, they frequently attend to more global situations, such as organization

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of the document, development of a paragraph, or improvement in the syntax of a sentence. As you can see from the samples, my questions are usually framed in second person, with my recommendations using first person and a conditional tense. My reason for framing my comments in this way is to stress that while what they have written is not “incorrect,” they might wish to consider other alternatives. They have to think of their own solutions to the problems posed. I also want to keep a dialogue going and not sound so judgmental that students feel they have lost the right to respond. My closing comments begin with a summary of all the strong elements in the student’s writing I see, some of which I may not have commented on within the document itself. I then suggest the major areas the student needs to work on to improve this piece of writing in the revision. Included here with each sample student paper and my commentary are the specifications for each assignment, with the rating criteria used by both me and the peer reviewers who provide feedback to the writers about their writing. These specifications and rating criteria are part of each assignment and are extremely important. Because following specifications is a crucial element of technical communication, the “specs” for assignments are detailed, making some several pages long.

Sherry Burgus Little, San Diego State University

Letter of Application and Résumé Description of Assignment At the beginning of the semester, students find an advertisement for a position similar to the one they would hope to fill when they graduate. The assignment is to write a letter of application and résumé for this position according to specifications given in the following memo: MEMORANDUM DATE: TO:

All Technical Writing Students

FROM:

Sherry Little, Instructor

SUBJECT:

WRITING ASSIGNMENT: LETTER OF APPLICATION WITH A RESUME

You will write a letter of application and prepare a résumé for your next writing assignment. Begin early to look for advertisements for positions you would like to apply for in local newspapers, at the student placement center, or in the professional journals you are studying for class exercises. Choose an ad that includes a detailed job description, or if you can’t find an ad, you may be able to find a job description from one of these sources that you can use for this assignment. You are to apply for a real position, preferably one that you would actually like to have once you finish your education. The letter and résumé, however, must refer to skills, experience, and education that you have now, not ones you hope to possess in the future. This ad or job description should be attached to your letter when you submit it. Write a letter in answer to this position announcement, using the letter format of your choosing from those discussed in the textbook. Observe the conventions of letter writing closely. In addition, prepare a résumé—try to keep it one page—to accompany your letter. You may use any of the suggested types in the textbook or those discussed in class. The peer review date and due date for the final copy of the letter and the résumé are on the syllabus. Be sure to bring your ad or position announcement to the peer review session as well.

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Explanation of Commentary On this assignment, only the letter receives a grade because I think of the résumé as such a personal statement that I do not want students to think I am placing a grade on them personally. And I don’t want to suggest that I am grading their job skills. Suggestions for changes on the résumé may or may not be followed, depending on the student’s choices, for as I tell students, their names go at the top and not anyone else’s. On the Letter of Application: My first reading helped me see that this letter has many strengths as noted in the marginal and end comments. Because this assignment is completed at the beginning of the semester, I am especially concerned that glaring mechanical problems be identified and eliminated. This paper has few of these major problems, such as obvious surface problems like typos or glaring mechanical problems like sentence errors, improper use of pronouns, verb form errors, shifts in tense or person, and misspellings. However, the reference to the newspaper title without proper punctuation in paragraph 1, the spelling of judgement, and the repetition of the word unique are potentially distracting problems that the student needs to address, especially in a letter of application. Notice the “check” used for the spelling of judgement, a device I use to draw the student’s attention to a gray area, one of those accepted usages, but one that could distract some readers. Drawing the student’s attention to the preferred spelling of judgment would be something some composition teachers would ignore. Here, however, the student should be alert to the choice and be aware that to some people this spelling might be considered “wrong.” Another strength I decided to comment on is the attention to the detail of proper format, or writing to prescribed specifications, an important part of writing for business and industry. This letter follows the conventions of the modified block letter without distracting deviations. In fact, an especially nice touch is the centering of the heading to simulate a letterhead, a slight deviation that would probably make this letter stand out favorably among its competitors. I like as well the ability of the student to show how his qualifications meet the required qulifications advertised. He writes about it for the most part in a self-confident directness that is not offensively boastful, a difficult tone to achieve, but so much more effective than a mere listing of skills and qualifications. Marginal comments call the student’s attention to sentences that are wordy and need revision and to sentences that impinge on the positive, confident tone a writer wants for a letter of application. My responses to a weak salutation and ending suggest further revisions. In the end note, a further suggestion for more concrete detail in the third paragraph comments on another area that the student could improve in an already above average letter of application.

Sherry Burgus Little, San Diego State University

Following my priority list in my response plan, I chose not to mark the nominalizations in the last line of the first paragraph and the diction (some of it wordy) in other spots of the letter because such comments might dishearten the writer. These infelicities are not so distracting as to seriously affect the success of this letter. However, if the writer had not written the other more distracting problems, I would then have commented on these problems. I chose as well not to mark a needed comma in the rather lengthy compound sentence that ends the first paragraph. The marginal note suggests a rewrite to get rid of the wordiness, a far more distracting problem in my priority list than a missing comma. And in the required revision, the student eliminated the problem by rewriting the sentence. On the Résumé: Although I do not place a letter grade on the résumé, I read and respond to student résumés, making suggestions they can use if they choose to. This student’s résumé is especially attractive. The highlighting of his capabilities allows him to draw attention to all his qualifications without calling the employer’s attention to his lack of work experience for the position he is applying for. This decision, unfortunately, does not allow him to highlight his educational background as much as he might be able to if he were to expand his education section to detail more specifically the skills he has to offer. The same problem is true of the work experience section that could, instead of giving only titles, capitalize on the skills he has acquired through this experience, a feat his letter accomplished very well, although only in a general way. The final evaluation for a letter of application and résumé is to determine how likely it is that this person would get the interview that the documents are written for. The grades I place on the letter of application give students some idea as to how they would rank against their competitors in my estimation of their audience’s response.

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Technical Writing: Student Samples and Teacher Responses

Attractive format – I like especially your centering the heading Jeffrey D. Skinner 1838 Sierra Morena Avenue Carlsbad, CA 92008

January 9, 1991 Personnel Manager Orincon Corporation 9363 Towne Centre Drive San Diego, CA 92121 ATTN: JS24 How about "Personnel Manager"? or in Dear Sir/Madam: real life a phone call would result in a name. I am responding to your call for applications for the position of Digital Design Engineer advertised in the Sunday, January 6, 1991 edition of the San Diego t Union. I have enclosed a personal resume which will provide you with information regarding my education and background that I hope will be of interest to you. My education and work experience have prepared me for a challenging position with your organization and I hope that you will give my qualifications serious consideration.

p: title I'd rewrite this, making it less wordy and tentative

My engineering curriculm included professional elective course work in microprocessor design and digital communication systems. Through my work I don't thinkexperience, although not directly related to the wc requirements of this position, I believe that I have I'd call attention acquired unique capabilities that would be of value to this to your organization. To fund my education, I ran an check independent business in which I exercised indepen- sp dent judgement, interacted professionally with a variety of individuals at all levels, and maintained accurate financial and budgetary records. These skills, coupled with my academic experience, me could make you change this to a a unique and motivated candidate for this position. request for action? I will be glad to make myself available for an interview your Howatcan you convenience and look forward to hearing from youeasy soon. make it for them to contact you? Sincerely, You've followed format well with no distracting mechanical problems. I like the tone of your letter. It sounds D. Skinself-confident withoutJeffrey being boastful. ner I think I'd show in more detail what skills you can offer them, especially in 3. Good Enclosure job.

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Sherry Burgus Little, San Diego State University

attractive! RESUME OF JEFFREY D. SKINNER 1838 Sierra Morena Avenue Carlsbad, CA 92008

Phone: (619) 792-5126 Message: (619) 712-4597

______________________________________________________________ CAPABILITIES: * Extensive knowledge of MS-DOS based computer systems. good highlighting * Design skills in digital logic accumulated through Electrical Engineering program at SDSU. of skills * Good written communications skills. you can * Strong abilities for independent and original thinking. offer * Excellent mechanical skills in electronic lab setting. * Good problem solving and decision making skills. * Strong ability to complete tasks independently. EDUCATION:

I'd capitalize on this more San Diego State University, San Diego, California to provide B.S., Electrical Engineering - Spring 1991 more details about skills you can WORK EXPERIENCE: offer them Tri-City Carpets, Vista, California February 1988 through September 1990 Title: Floor Covering Installation Specialist

could you emphasize Escondido Linoleum and Carpet, Escondido, California tasks May 1987 through February 1988 here that Title: Apprentice in floor covering installation relate to qualifications? Carpets Etc., Oceanside, California (be sure to use September 1985 through May 1987 strong, active Title: Apprentice in floor covering installation verbs) PROFESSIONAL ORGANIZATIONS: Institute of Electrical and Electronic Engineers REFERENCES: Personal and professional references available upon request.

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Technical Writing: Student Samples and Teacher Responses

Instructions Description of Assignment As an advocate of experiential learning theory, I make most assignments simulate as closely as possible real world problem solving. The assignment for this sample is for an advanced class in technical communication. Students produce documentation for software programs that agencies in the university are using, either in the Social Science Research Laboratory, Disabled Students Services, or the English Department Computer Writing Center. Because students will actually use this documentation, the writers can test different versions of the documentation as they develop it. This sample is the final set of instructions that has gone through several versions after the students have tested them. This quick start was developed with some of the principles of J. M. Carroll’s “minimalist manual”: see “Minimalist Training,” Datamation 30 (1984): 125-36, and The Nurnberg Funnel: Designing Minimalist Instruction for Practical Computer Skill (Cambridge, MA: MIT Press, 1990). The manual was designed to give first-time users of the English Department Computer Writing Center a set of brief (no more than three pages), easy-to-follow instructions for creating a paper on the shareware word processing program that many students use. Because the writer works as a tutor in this Center, she knew what students needed. The goal for these instructions was to allow students to produce a paper (with a minimum amount of help from the tutors) without the possibly distracting additional information that comes in a longer, 18-page version of the manual. The writer based this shorter version on the same analysis she developed for the longer version. For a description of this analysis, see her article “Creating an Essential Manual: An Experiment in Prototyping and Task Analysis,” IEEE Transactions on Professional Communication 33.1 (1990): 32-37. The longer version is available at the Center too, with each page laminated and placed in a wall file so that students can pick the individual “card-page” that covers the additional information they may need to complete more complicated tasks. Students may also buy a copy of the longer version at a local copying service.

Explanation of Commentary Because of the longer version and the task analysis used to develop it, the writer was able to pinpoint those basic tasks beginning users need to perform to write their first document successfully. She has done an excellent job creating such a succinct document for students. The prose with few exceptions is crisp and direct, and the organization of the document follows a natural sequence that allows the students to use the instructions as a tutorial while

Sherry Burgus Little, San Diego State University

working on their own projects. I like especially the tone that she uses when explaining what will happen as a result of step 1. “Be patient” here creates a personal voice that can be reassuring to first-time users who are frequently intimidated by The Machine. Also effective are the boxes to emphasize what the users should enter: the difference between what users will type and what the computer screen will display is a sometimes puzzling distinction for beginning users. The consistent use of “press” and “type” also reinforces the different activities the users will be performing. Following my response plan, I chose to comment on a smothered verb she could work on in the beginning and on a direction under step 3 that is confusing. One instruction relies on conventional computer jargon that could confuse the students (“yourfile”). On page 1, the handling of disks might need some cautions and the mixing of steps and informational items call for some thought about possible changes. Under step 4, I asked about the instructions to write a paragraph because it seemed a bit arbitrary to ask for just a paragraph—perhaps the writer would want to write more (the goal, after all, was to give the first-time user the opportunity to do a paper). Within my priority listing, I chose not to mark the embedding of three tasks within item 2 although it troubles me a bit. I know, however, that these are three of the most-needed bits of information that the writer identified in her analysis—and that she is constrained by the limit of three pages. This limitation also keeps me from commenting on how crowded the pages look. I know eventually she plans to print this with desktop publishing. I will hold my comments on the graphic design of her document until later. Within the constraints, she has designed a well-written, serviceable document with many helpful features. I consider this sample to be an outstanding student document.

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Could you get rid of this PC-WRITE 2.55 smothered 1verb?

PC-WRITE QUICK START

PAGE

This guide gives you a brief introduction to PC-WRITE. It tells you how to get started, create a file for storing what you write, save a file, print a file, and quit. What you need: You need a copy of the PC-WRITE program disk and a data disk that has been formatted to accept information. If you don’t have these disks, ask the lab assistant how you can get them. any cautions STEP 1<————————————————-----------------> TURNING ON THE COMPUTER needed here? 1. Begin with the computer and monitor turned off. 2. Place the program disk in drive a, which is on your left. Close the latch on drive a. 3. Place the data disk in drive b, which is on your right. Close the latch on drive b. 4. Turn on the computer. The switch is at the back of the right side of the base. 5. Turn on the monitor. The switch is on the lower right corner of the monitor. The computer is now “booting up,” which means it is getting started. Be patient. It may take a minute or so. not steps – I'd keep informational items 6. Now go to STEP 2-STARTING PC-WRITE. separate from steps STEP 2<———————————————————--------------------->STARTING PCWRITE 1. 2. 3. 4.

A message Press the A message Press the

I like the tone here

asks for the date. Return key. like use of graphic display here asks Ifor thethe time. Return key.

5.

A prompt appears at the far left of your screen. It looks like this: A> This means that the computer is ready to accept commands. 6.

Type

ed ed

is the command that tells the computer you want to start using the PC-WRITE program stored on the program disk in drive a. You must ALWAYS type ed to start Doris PC-WRITE at the A>. – this is really looking good. The prose is clear and direct. Instructions seem logically arranged. A succinct, helpful document!

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Sherry Burgus Little, San Diego State University

PCWRITE 2.55

PC-WRITE QUICK START

PAGE 2

7.

Press the Return key. The red light on drive a comes on and stays on while the computer loads the program. NEVER REMOVE A DISK WHILE THIS LIGHT IS ON.

8.

NOW go to STEP 3 - CREATING A FILE

word left STEP 3<————————————————————-------------------------->CREATING A FILE out? You should see the following message at the top of your screen: Name of file to create or edit (Esc to cancel): “work.doc” would this confuse If you don’t see this message, your reader? go back and repeat STEP 1. 1.

Type b: and a name for your file (8 characters or less). Do not leave any spaces between the b: and the name.

2.

Press the Return key. A new top line appears. New file.

It is similar the one below:

Press Esc to cancel, or F1 to create “b:yourfile”

3.

Press the F1 key. This key is on the left of your keyboard. Next you see a screen that has a single line at the top.

4.

You are ready to write.

Go to STEP 3 — WRITING YOUR FILE.

STEP 4<———————————————————------------------------->WRITING YOUR FILE A small flashing bar tells you where the next character you type will appear on the screen. This flashing bar is the cursor. The cursor moves as you type. Do you think it would be 1. Type the following four lines beginning on the first line better to below the screen’s top line. Press the Return key at the end tell them of each line. These are the dot commands which control to start margins and spacing. They do not show in a printed document. writing instead of .XT:3 writing .XB:1 a ? .X:10 .M:2 (Note: The .M:2 command tells the printer to do double spacing.) 2. is

Now write a short paragraph.

Use the Backspace key, which

the left arrow on the top row of the keyboard, to backspace and erase mistakes. Use the Arrow keys on the right of the keyboard to move the cursor on the screen without erasing. To center a title on a line do this: a. Type the title. b. Use an arrow key to place the cursor on the first charac-

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Technical Writing: Student Samples and Teacher Responses

PCWRITE 2.55

PC-WRITE QUICK START

ter. c. Hold down the Shift key and press the F8 key. To underline do this: a. First hold down Alt key and press the U key. b. Type the words you want to underline. c. Hold down Alt key and press the U key again. To reformat a paragraph after you add or delete words: Reformatting realigns the paragraph’s right margin. a. Use arrow keys to move to the top of the paragraph b. Press the F7 key. 3.

PAGE 3

When you finish writing, go to STEP 5 — SAVING YOUR FILE.

STEP 5<————————————————————------------------------->SAVING YOUR FILE When you save a file, the computer copies what you have written onto your data disk in drive b. The file is saved under the name you gave it when you started. SAVE YOUR FILE AT LEAST EVERY TEN MINUTES WHILE YOU ARE WRITING. Do this to save your file: 1.

Press the F1 key.

The screen changes to the Help screen.

2.

Press the F3 key.

You return to your writing screen.

3.

Go to STEP 6 — PRINTING YOUR FILE.

STEP 6<———————————————————------------------------>PRINTING YOUR FILE Be sure your file contains dot commands before you print. Use the following steps to print your file: 1. Set the printer switch box located beside the printer for the terminal that you are using. Make sure the printer’s green ON LINE and READY lights are on. 2. Press the F1 key. screen.

not screen clear: changes Do you to mean The thefrom Helpthe printer?

3.

Press the F7 key.

You see a new screen. The top line contains the name of your file.

4.

Press the Return key.

The screen changes again. A message asks you to enter the name of a ruler file.

5.

Type

epson.prt

6. Press the Return key. screen.

Another message appears on the

7.

This causes the printer to print the should be entire document. in italics

Press the Esc key.

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Sherry Burgus Little, San Diego State University

Proposal Description of Assignment The proposal I have chosen to discuss results from an assignment in the beginning technical writing class. Each student chooses a formal research project to work on during the semester. The prospectus, as I call it because of its brevity, gives students an opportunity to produce a document that has all the elements of the longer full proposal without their having to write a long paper. Students write a prospectus to propose their term project to a likely funding agency that they identify. Because this assignment is completed around mid-term, it provides an opportunity for students to practice the formal elements of technical reports when they are working on a shorter version of a report, saving them from learning conventional formats when they have a greater bulk of material to worry about. It gives them a chance to experiment with visual displays in figures and tables as well, both required elements in the prospectus. The assignment is written according to the specifications given in the following memo: MEMORANDUM DATE: TO:

Technical Writing Students

FROM:

Sherry Little, Instructor

SUBJECT:

WRITING ASSIGNMENT: THE PROSPECTUS

Your next writing assignment will be the prospectus, or miniproposal. You are to write a prospectus for the term project you are working on for the class. The audience is a likely funding agency that you will locate or that I suggest if you have trouble finding a funding agency. Be sure to include the following parts: 1. Introduction • Definition of problem • Statement of problem 2. Objectives 3. Methods and Procedures (illustrated with time references) 4. Budget (presented in table) 5. Résumé The prospectus should be from 3 to 6 pages long, typed, and double-spaced. Use the decimal numbering system described in the textbook for headings. Use at least two visual devices in this prospectus. The prospectus should have a title page (with descriptive abstract) and a table of contents and list of illustrations.

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Evaluation Criteria 1. Is it convincing? (Does it include persuasive arguments that clearly explain why this project should be done?) 2. Is the prospectus clear? (Do you include specific, concrete details and do you discuss your methods so that it is clear exactly how you propose to compete this project?) 3. Is the project feasible? (Do you offer evidence that you can achieve your stated objectives within the period stated?) 4. Does it conform to specifications? (Were all instructions followed? Is it complete? Is it well written, free from mechanical and usage errors, with carefully worded sentences and clear, direct diction?)

Explanation of Commentary This student’s paper has many strengths. Because following the “specs” is stressed with this assignment, one of the first strengths I comment on is that this document is written well, observing the conventional format required. The student has used visual support effectively for her methods section and her budget as required. The introduction is direct, with a clear definition and statement of the problem, supported with a persuasive rationale for the project. The plan of work seems well thought out and provides enough detail to make it convincing, although more specific details about how she plans to do some of these steps would show better that she knows what she is talking about. Figure 2 creates an illogical picture of the sequence of her major activities, and I comment also on some wordy phrases, unnecessary use of passive voice, and a questionable use of the word “scope.” Because this student is planning to become a professional technical writer, I comment more heavily here on items that I would probably ignore if the student were not interested in being a professional writer. For example, the split infinitive and unnecessary commas would not be items I would draw normally to a student’s attention. This prospectus, however, is addressed to a professional technical communication firm for funding—and professional writers can be inexplicably put off by such things as split infinitives. Especially because this is a prospectus, any deviation no matter how nitpicking it may appear is unwise. The wordy and awkward sentence in the first paragraph of the introduction is a sentence I would bring to the attention of only those students who are obviously good writers who need help to become even better. Again using my hierarchy of choices, I ignored a few little items; for example, in the table for the budget the items that cost under a dollar would probably be written differently, and in the introduction of the table, the “twelve week feasibility report project” could be improved. In this section, however, I am more concerned that a rationale for the budget was not provided and opted to comment on this omission instead of the diction problem.

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Sherry Burgus Little, San Diego State University

PROPOSAL FOR A FEASIBILITY STUDY AND REPORT ON CHOOSING WORDPERFECT OR MICROSOFT WORD FOR FREE LANCE TECHNICAL WRITERS hyphen

Prepared for Catherine Marcum Project Manager Solutions, Inc.

Good title page

by Lillian Roberts

Abstract

This prospectus describes a plan for a feasibility study and report to determine which word processing software package for the IBM-PC-WordPerfect or Microsoft Word--is most suited to free lance technical writing.

30 March 1990

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Technical Writing: Student Samples and Teacher Responses

ii Good TOC

TABLE OF CONTENTS

LIST OF ILLUSTRATIONS ......................................................................iii 1.0 INTRODUCTION ......................................................................................1 2.0 PROPOSED PROGRAM ............................................................................1 3.0 PLAN OF WORK ........................................................................................2 3.1 Scope ....................................................................................................2 3.2 Methods To Be Used .............................................................................2 3.2.1 Background research .................................................................2 3.2.2 Benchmark development ...........................................................4 3.2.3 Report quality control .................................................................4 4.0 BUDGET .................................................................................................6

Good job, Lillian – you've followed format specs well and provided a good rationale for the study. I like your graphics as well. Your proposal plan is clear, although using specific detail would make it more convincing.

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Sherry Burgus Little, San Diego State University

iii LIST OF ILLUSTRATIONS FIGURES

page

1

Activity Plan ......................................................................................3

2

Time And Work Schedule ................................................................5

TABLES 1

Budget Itemization ............................................................................7 wc: can you get rid of this shun word?

lc

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1.0 INTRODUCTION Because of their abundant features, ease of use, and widespread user support, WordPerfect and Microsoft Word are now the two top word processing packages available for the IBM-PC. Both packages contain the basic functions used in technical writing such as text formatting, graphics, and block SS: wordy & K = can (example: it may be easier to import an outside graphic into a document you get rid of created with package A than it would be to import the same graphic with the package B). The problem that this prospectus addresses is that most free lance repetitive "that"?

operations. However, they may not perform a given function equally well

technical writers lack the time required for a benchmark comparison to p = I don'tdetermine which package is most suited to technical writing. think I'd use these here I propose to provide, for Solutions, Inc., a feasibility report on

hyphen

the two top competing word processing software packages for the IBM-PC (WordPerfect and Microsoft Word). The report will determine which package would be the best choice for a free lance technical writer to purchase. A report of this kind requires a working knowledge of computers and operating software in general. As the attached resume indicates, I have the

Check: I don't educational background and work experience needed to successfully complete think I'd split this infinitive the proposed feasibility study and report. good intro + I like the detail = rationale sounds good

2.0 PROPOSED PROGRAM

The feasibility report will be addressed to free lance technical writers and will assume basic knowledge of the IBM-PC and word processing software. It will also assume that the writers are interested in purchasing either can you get rid of all this passive voice?

WordPerfect or Microsoft Word but are uncertain which package is best suited to technical writing. Using specific evaluation criteria, the report will compare, discuss, and summarize relevant package features, such as text formatting and graphics

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-2-

capabilities. It will also provide the reader with conclusions, recommendations, and information on where to turn for further help.

3.0 PLAN OF WORK I'd call these "objectives" or "general activities" or even "Phases"

3.1 Scope

The proposed feasibility study consists of three main tasks: 1. Determining which word processor features are most important to technical writers. 2. Investigating the feature performance of Microsoft

good objectives although they aren't performance objectives

Word and WordPerfect. 3. Reporting the results of the study in a format that can be easily referred to when making purchasing decisions. Figure 1 shows the overall activity plan and proposed completion dates.

3.2 Methods to be Used 3.2.1

Background Research

To be efficient, this study must limit consideration to features significant for technical writers. To determine

can you get rid of this smothered verb?

which word processor features are most important, I will good plan – could be more specific and detailed

review recently published technical writing books, handbooks, and research papers. Also, I will conduct a personal interview with Mr. John Foster, a technical writer who has extensive working experience with word processing software for the IBM-PC. The interview is scheduled for Monday, April 30, 1990, at Mr. Foster’s place of employment, Science Applications International

3/9

DETERMINE TECHNICAL

WRITER'S NEEDS

3/9

4/30

3/9

INTERVIEW CONDUCT

LITERATURE REVIEW

4/30

AND

LITERATURE REVIEW

AND

4/20 5/8 PERFORM TESTS MEASUREMENTS

5/4

3/16 HARDWARE AND5/4 SET UP TEST SOFTWARE

3/16

4/13 MEASUREMENT5/10 ORGANIZE RESULTS

FIGURE 1: ACTIVITY PLAN FOR MARCH 1990 THROUGH MAY 1990

3/16 5/4 MEASUREMENT DEVELOP TEST METHODS

4/30

4/13

4/13

DRAFT

WRITE ROUGH

PROGRESS GENERATE REPORT

AND STYLE GUIDES

5/10

5/10

4/13 CONSULT REPORT 5/10

DRAFT

5/21 5/21 DELIVER FINAL

180 Technical Writing: Student Samples and Teacher Responses

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-4Could you suggest some questions you plan to ask?

Corporation (SAIC), and will cover the advantages and disadvantages of using WordPerfect and Microsoft Word for technical writing. 3.2.2

Benchmark development

Word processor performance is most easily measured by hands-on benchmark testing. Following a review of current word processing literature (user guides, handbooks, periodical articles) and drawing upon my existing computer knowledge, I will develop Could you explain your plans for the tests more here? For example, how will you determine which features you will test?

benchmarking tests to aid evaluation of word processor performance. These tests will look at specific word processor features on a functional basis. All tests will be performed with Microsoft Word and WordPerfect running

Can you get rid of these unnecessary passive constructions and wordy nouns?

on identical IBM-PC compatible hardware so as to eliminate all extraneous factors (such as graphics display capabilities) that might influence test results. 3.2.3. Report quality control To ensure a well-written final report, I will consult pertinent report and style guides such as Kenneth Houp’s Reporting Technical Information and The Chicago Manual of Style. My aim is a paper which free lance technical

hyphen

writers will consider a valuable reference.

Figure 2 shows the time relations of the research, testing, and reporting phases. Report work is scheduled to take twelve weeks. Besides the final report, I will furnish a progress report approximately eight weeks into the project.

passive

FINAL REPORT DELIVERED

ROUGH DRAFT

PROGRESS REPORT

1

6 5 3 4 2 FIGURE 2: TIME AND WORK SCHEDULE WEEKS

CONDUCT INTERVIEWS

AND MEASUREMENTS PERFORM TESTS

GATHER MATERIALS

AND PLANNING INITIAL EXPLORATION

7

8

9

10

11

12

182 Technical Writing: Student Samples and Teacher Responses

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4.0 BUDGET Table 1 shows my estimated expenses for the twelve week feasibility report project. The cost of each item may be less than estimated, but will not be more.

Can you provide a rationale for your budget? Emphasize, perhaps, how inexpensive this project is?

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-7-

TABLE 1. BUDGET ITEMIZATION FOR MARCH 9, 1990 TO MAY 21, 1990 Item

Rate

Labor (myself; technical writing student)

12 weeks @ $250.00 per week

Office Supplies Pens and pencils Computer paper Printer ribbon cartridge Notecards Paper clips, staples, folders Stationery Other Materials Software user guides

Amount

$3000.00

10 @ $0.60 500 sheets 1 @ $9.95 per pkg.

6.00 4.59 9.95

2 pkgs. @ $0.45 per pkg.

0.90 5.00 5.00

3 @ $24.00

72.00

Travel Gasoline (used in travel to interview, library) Administrative Expense Photocopy of final report

10 pages @ $0.10

TOTAL

20.00

1.00

$3124.44

good detail here

Sherry Burgus Little, San Diego State University

Analytical Report Description of Assignment The beginning technical writing class often has people from many disciplines not thought of as “technical.” I have students from such fields as literature, religious studies, classics, music, and drama mixed in with those from electrical engineering and biology. This sample shows how information transfer is “technical” in nature no matter what field a student may be studying. The assignment for the paper is to do a formal technical report on the literature generated in the student’s major field of study. Students are to discuss, with examples, how literature evolves through the flow of information theory that is driven by the research and development model, the conceptual framework by which I teach this class. Writing this report allows students to research the topic, gather data, report the data, and learn at the same time about research in their own disciplines. They learn research strategies that make them better researchers, and they learn as well their current and future roles as both users and developers of information in their disciplines. The following memo describes the specifications for this assignment: MEMORANDUM DATE: TO:

Technical Writing Students in English 503W

FROM:

Sherry Little

SUBJECT:

GUIDE FOR THE FORMAL TECHNICAL REPORT

One of the most important undertakings in the technical writing course is the formal technical report discussed in Chapter 9. This report is a term project, and you should begin work on it immediately. Due date for the report is on the class syllabus. Choice of a Subject You are to write to new students in your technical field, telling them what they need to know about the evolution of scientific and technical literature in your field. As a result of reading this report, readers should be able to become expert developers of technical communication as well as efficient users of that literature; that is, they should understand the genres of technical communication that they will be working with and writing as professionals as well as how to conduct research to find information generated by others. Assume the students have had a freshman communication course in which basic research techniques, such as use of the card catalog and general indexes such as Reader’s Guide, have been learned.

185

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Technical Writing: Student Samples and Teacher Responses

Content of the Report The report should answer these questions: 1.

What kind of information do professionals in your technical field generate?

2.

In what forms (genres) does this information appear in your technical field? (Although you will be spending some time talking about primary information here and the sources for finding this primary information, the bulk of your report will deal with secondary and tertiary literature.)

3.

What are the sources to technical information in your field? To answer this question, your report should answer these questions: •

What professional periodicals in this field does the library at SDSU hold? Where are they? What is the strength of each periodical? What sort of articles does each publish? (In most fields you won’t be able to discuss all the periodicals. Give an idea of what the total number is and single out a half dozen for comment.)

•

What are the general guides to government reports? (For this area you will not find any specialized guides by technical fields. Please do not ask reference librarians in Government Publications for specialized guides in your field. They do not exist.)

•

What are the abstracting journals and periodical indexes in your field? (In some fields these are combined; in others they are separate.)

•

What are the bibliographies, encyclopedias, dictionaries, and handbooks?

•

What is the computer information system (database) in your field called? Where is it? What information does it provide? What does it cost to use?

•

What other information do the readers need to know about in order to do research in your field?

When discussing these sources, briefly describe what is found in these sources and how they are used. It wouldn’t hurt to evaluate them for this new student to your field as to how difficult they are to understand. Organization of Data After you have collected the data for your report, you need to decide how to organize this data so that your readers can assimilate it quickly and easily. You

Sherry Burgus Little, San Diego State University

will want them to find the exact piece of information they are looking for without necessarily having to read the entire report. Consider the following suggestions when making your decisions: 1.

Beginning your report with a clear, direct statement of purpose and a preview of what the readers will find in the report lets them know what to expect.

2.

Headings allow readers to find only the information they want by skimming the report.

3.

Preparing your readers for your plan of presenting the data allows your readers to know what to expect. The discernible plan should act as a path that guides them through the paper smoothly.

4.

Using the research and development model that the librarian used in the lecture is one organizational pattern that allows a logical presentation of your data. A flow chart illustrating the sources for your field would make a good illustration to complement your prose.

Report Format Your report should be neatly typed and bound in a clear plastic folder. Use a well-designed title page that includes a descriptive abstract. Be alert to the possibility of using illustrative material, such as charts, graphs, drawings, photos, and tables. All reports should have at least one figure and one table. The following lists everything you will include in the report in the order that it will appear: Letter of transmittal Title page Descriptive abstract placed on title page Table of contents List of figures (or illustrations) Informative abstract (sometimes called Introductory summary) Introduction The report (Supply and develop all information needed to support your conclusions) Factual summary Conclusions Recommendations Bibliography (or reference list) Length of Report Your report should be a substantial effort. The report, excluding graphic elements, should run about ten pages.

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Technical Writing: Student Samples and Teacher Responses

Evaluation Criteria Your report will be evaluated according to the following criteria: Is the report complete? (Does it cover the information requested?) Does it suit the audience and purpose? Is it in a clear, readable format? (Format refers also to layout, white space, use of lists integrated with prose.) Is it written in a clear style, free from mechanical and usage errors? Does it follow the assignment specifications? Does it present information with coherence and unity? (Is there a central idea that leads the reader through the report? Is data linked together so that the reader moves smoothly through the report?) Please check with me immediately if you run into any problems. We’ll be discussing this assignment at length in class so be sure to ask if you have any questions. Good luck on your research.

Explanation of Commentary This report offers many features to like. Probably its greatest, and most obvious, strength is in its use of graphics to complement the prose. The clip-art figure for the flow of information (Figure 1) is eye-catching and informative, and Subramanyam’s figure of the flow is nicely used in later figures (Figures 4 and 6) to provide the details of the report—the examples of different forms of literature in the student’s field. Figure 7 is a bit busy and relies heavily on symbols that probably would make it hard for the reader to use the information; however, it’s an excellent attempt to illustrate the information provided in the report in its entirety. Relying on my priority list, I chose not to make any negative comments here, for this student, an English major, does not need to be discouraged when she experiments with a new way to communicate. The report also is complete and accurate, supplying the information called for in the assignment and written in the format specified. The conventions of the formal technical report are followed well, and the prose is “chunked” into easily assimilated bits of information with headings that help the reader locate the information presented. This student does have some problems in her prose that I comment on, mostly in unnecessary passive voice and diction. The major problem with this piece, however, is its lack of coherence. The writer needs to make it more obvious to the reader why this information has been organized in the way it has, as I suggested toward the beginning of the report. Other comments, the use of future tense, writing out numbers, and inconsistency in referring to figures are related more to this student’s not being familiar with the conventions of technical communication. I chose not to comment on the inconsistency

Sherry Burgus Little, San Diego State University

of using capitals in figure titles (as in Figure 6) or on the awkward and repetitive way that she refers to the items in later portions of the report, for I see these problems as the student’s working out these unfamiliar strategies that are so common to technical communication, but not so characteristic of other fields of writing. Once she has more experience handling these overt signals, the awkwardness will probably fade. Despite these problems and a few basic, mechanical problems like punctuation with quotation marks and typos, this student is a good writer and has produced an accurate, complete report that follows the specs well.

189

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Technical Writing: Student Samples and Teacher Responses

1716 Bridgehampton Pl.I'd wo El Cajon, Ca 92019cap January 25, 1991

Ms. Karen Kinney Associate University Librarian San Diego State University San Diego, CA

92182-5200

Dear Ms. Kinney: I submit the accompanying report entitled “A Report of the Flow of Information in the Field of Expository Writing: College Instruction.” This report completes the reI'd use possessive pronoun here. search I did as described in a proposal dated January 17, 1991. The report discusses the concept of the flow of information and identifies, classifies, and compares twentytwo publications available through SDSU library that fit into the flow of information for expository writing.

I have

charted all of these publications and fit them into a standardized model of the flow of information. I drew heavily from the book Scientific and Technical information Resources, by Krishna Subramanyam, and have used the diagrams from his book for this report. Sincerely,

need enclosure notation Melody L. Kilcrease English Major

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Sherry Burgus Little, San Diego State University

A REPORT ON THE FLOW OF INFORMATION IN THE FIELD EXPOSITORY WRITING: COLLEGE INSTRUCTION

Prepared for

Karen Kinney, associate University Librarian cap San Diego State University Library by

Melody L. Kilcrease p: quote (but I don't think I'd use Abstract quotes here) This report identifies the forms and flow of information in the field of “expository writing: college instruction”. Twenty-two publications are identified, classified and compared. The flow of information model is illustrated displaying the actual resources available through the SDSU library. Conclusions are drawn and a recommendation ends the report. Lots of unnecessary passive voice here

January 25, 1991

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Technical Writing: Student Samples and Teacher Responses

ii

TABLE OF CONTENTS you need to list all items that follow TOC on it – illustrations page? 1.0

wrong page Introduction _________________________________ iv # 1.1

Definition of the Problem __________

1

1.2

Audience Assessment ________________

2

1.3

Scope of the Report ________________

2

2.0

Model of the Flow of Information _____________

3

3.0

Tertiary Literature __________________________

7

4.0

Secondary Literature _________________________

8

5.0

Primary Literature ___________________________ 10

6.0

Literature Comparison ________________________ 13

7.0

Factual Summary ______________________________ 14

8.0

Conclusion ___________________________________ 14

9.0

Recommendations ______________________________ 15

Bibliography?

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Sherry Burgus Little, San Diego State University

iii

ILLUSTRATIONS

Figures

Page

1.

The Flow of Information, Phase 1 ____________

2.

The Flow of Information Expanded ____________

3.

Titles of Tertiary Literature _______________

4.

Titles of Secondary Literature ______________

5.

Titles of Primary Literature _______________ 10

6.

The Flow of Information in the Field of Expository Writing: College Instruction ____

5

6

7

9

12 7.

Literature Comparison ______________________ 16 I like many things in this report, Melody. Your graphics are outstanding! (aren't Macs great?) Remember, however, they complement prose and can never replace clean, clear prose. Your report is complete, following the assignment specs for format and content. Don't forget to proofread always carefully to eliminate pesky, distracting problems – I'm concerned about coherence here – talk with me about this –

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Technical Writing: Student Samples and Teacher Responses

1.0 INTRODUCTION The purpose of this report is to identify the forms of information available for the lc

study of Expositiory Writing, focusing on the information designed for the college instructor. This report describes what librarians refer to as the “flow of information” and how it is navigated in the research process. The literature available at San Diego State University Library on the subject of “expository writing” is identified, classified and compared, within a flow of information model.

The report ends with a factual summary, conclusions and

recommendations. 1.1 Definition of the Problem The mission of the SDSU Library includes providing services designed to facilitate access to information. According to the most recent General Catalog, SDSU has the largest English department in the state. And the SDSU Placement Office has noted an increased demand in the marketplace for English teachers. Therefore, a rising demand for information about the college level instruction of expository writing seems likely, whether for research or in support of instruction. 1.2 Audience Assessment wordy passive

The report is designed to benefit the SDSU student majoring in English: expository writing. The SDSU General Catalog for 1990-91 describes seven “areas of study” available to the English major, five of which concentrate on literary topics, and two on writing, expository and creative. Expository writing covers technically or critically oriented nonfiction and includes courses in the theory and practice of expository writing and the teaching of composition. The second or third year undergraduate, usually a novice researcher, faces a demand for sophisticated research in upper-division classes. A researcher I'd hyphenate these

passive

195

Sherry Burgus Little, San Diego State University

I don't think I'd -2mix these metaphors here studying how expository writing is taught in college meets with a bewildering array of literature. This report is the missing link to the flow of information for the SDSU student of expository writing: college instruction. 1.3 Scope of the Report passive

Since this research is sponsored by the SDSU library, the findings are limited to the resources available through the library. To help the student research, the library offers a computerized card catalog (CAT), a database search service (DIALOG), and printed lists of resources organized by subject (BLR). The report assumes an understanding of these tools.

2.0 Model of the Flow of Information Figure 1 illustrates how an idea can enter what is known as the “flow of information” as a question jotted down by a researcher. The idea starts to “flow” as it is proposed, researched, experimented, and presented to other researchers and scholars in the field. Now the idea “flows” to a wider audience through p: quote

reviews and articles. Continuing to “flow”, the idea becomes a book, and then is incorporated into encyclopedias, handbooks, and textbooks. Now the idea is a

source?

part of the “validated public literature” in that field. But how does a researcher trace the origins of this idea? Figure 2 shows an expanded model of the flow of information and shows how the location of the information is catalogued. (Subramanyam, p. 5). Reference guides to reference guides promote easy access to the literature in a specific field. Figure 2 illustrates stages along the flow of information. Ideas feed the flow of information, and it is the recording of these ideas that begin the first stage: the generation and recording of primary literature. Once the primary literature is published the information enters the second stage: the literature is surrogated, repackaged, or compacted into other publications known as secondary literature.

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Technical Writing: Student Samples and Teacher Responses

good figure!

I like this

Figure 1. The Flow of Information

-3-

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Sherry Burgus Little, San Diego State University

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Generation of Knowledge Recording

Primary Literature

Surrogation

Bibliographies Catalogs Indexes Abstracts Current Awareness Services

Repackaging Dictionaries

Compaction Reviews

Directories

Momographs

Tables

Textbooks

Handbooks

Treatises

Yearbooks

Secondary Literature

Encyclopedias

Almanacs Secondary Surrogation

Bibliography of Bibliographies

Directory of Directories

Tertiary Literature

Guide to Literature

Dissemination

Utilization of Scientific Information

Figure 2.The 2. The Flow Information(Krishna (Krishna Subramanyan, Subramanyan, Figure Flow of of Information Scientific and Technical Information Scientific and Technical Information Resources, Resources, New York: Dekker, 1981.) New York: Dekker, 1981.)

now you have two figures with same title – but see Illustrations page –

Editor's Note: This figure is reprinted from Krishna Subramanyan, Scientific and Technical Information Resources (New York: Marcel Dekker, Inc., 1981), p. 9, by courtesy of Marcel Dekker, Inc.

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Technical Writing: Student Samples and Teacher Responses

-5-

The secondary literature collects ideas from a variety of sources and presents it to a wider audience. Now the third stage begins, as the catalogues are catalogued, p: quote

creating the tertiary literature. It is through this “hierarchy of publications (Subramanyam, p. 9) that a researcher moves in pursuit of original data. coh = I would state here that you've used this "flow" in a backward order for your paper because that's an 3.0 Tertiary Literature effective strategy students to usewriting are the The kinds of tertiary literature used in for the study of expository same guides to reference works, bibliographies of bibliographies, and database directories used by most researchers. These directories are lists of other reference publications, organized under general subject headings. Figure 3 charts some of the tertiary resources in the field of expository writing:college instruction. Note that the library search service (DIALOG)

wordy passive

cata-

logue is classified as tertiary literature, as it is used as a directory of directories, with easily read and cross referenced listings of over 350 databases. hyphen

The Humanities: A Selective Guide to Information Sources. 3rd ed. Ron Blazek and Elizabeth Aversa. Littleton: Libraries Unlimited, 1989. DIALOG (DIALOG Information Services, Inc. Palo Alto, Calif.) Walford's Guide to Reference Materials. A.J. Walford, ed. London: The Library Association. vol 3: 4th ed. 1986.

Figure 3. Titles of Tertiary Literature good detail provided here in your figure

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Sherry Burgus Little, San Diego State University

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The report compares these publications in the section titled “Literature Comparison”.

p: quote

4.0 Secondary Literature Secondary literature is the surrogated, repackaged and compacted information referred to in the tertiary literature. (Subramanyam, p. 9) Secondary literature rearranges information from a variety of sources to allow access to specific items from the mass of literature on the subject. References surrogate information by identifying and listing documents according to their topic or purpose.

Bib-

liographies and periodical indexes fit into this classification. References,

such

as dictionaries and handbooks, repackage information when they list

check style manual for format

specific

items in ways which allow ready access. Resources which have digested information SS: I would from a variety of sources and combined it with the existing knowledge rewrite this in the subject are said to have compacted the information. Style manuals and sentence to make encyclopedias are two examples of literature containing compacted information. your Figure 4 charts some of the secondary literature in the field of expository writing: definition more direct college instruction. (I'd eliminate the passive voice too) wc – I'd use another word here

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Technical Writing: Student Samples and Teacher Responses

-7-

Compacted Surrogated MLA Directory of Periodicals: A Guide to Journals and Series in Languages and Literature New York: MLA, 1988 (DIALOG Information Services, Inc. Palo Alto, Calif.)

Clear Technical Writing John A. Brogan. New York: McGraw-Hill, 1973. Reporting Technical Information 6th ed., Kenneth W. Houp and Thomas E. Pearsall. New York: Macmillan . 1988

Abstracts of English Studies Champaign, Ill. NTCE since 1958 NTIS National Technical Information Service of the U.S. Department of Commerce (DIALOG Information Services, Inc. Palo Alto, Calif.) ERIC Current Index to Journals in Education Resources in Education (DIALOG Information Services, Inc. Palo Alto, Calif.) An Annotated Bibliography of Texts on Writing Skills Sharon Burns, New York: Garland, 1977.

Repackaged The American Heritage Dictionary Boston: Houghton Mifflin , 1990 Form and Style Theses, Reports, Term Papers 8th ed. , William G. Campbell, et al. Boston: Houghton Mifflin , 1990. Harbrace College Handbook 11th ed., John C. Hodges, et al. San Diego: Harcourt Brace Jovanovich, 1990. The MLA Style Manual Walter S. Achter and Joseph Gibaldi. New York: Modern Language Association of America, 1985 Yearbook of English Studies Modern Humanities Research Assoc. Websters Collegiate Thesaurus Springfield: Merriam-Webster, 1988

Figure 4. Titles of Secondary Literature

good detail – I like the way you are building on Subramanyam's model

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The report compares these publications in the section titled “Literature Comparison”.

p: quote I'd be consistent in use of commas in series

5.0 Primary Literature

Primary literature contains the original records of research and scholarship in a given field, such as conference papers, research reports, and journal articles. Here is the original data, proposed and recorded by the original researcher. Primary literature, not limited to only formal published records, includes the informal records of research: notebooks, diaries and personal correspondence. Most of these informal records are not available to general audiences, but are sometimes found in special collections and libraries. Figure 5 charts some of the primary literature in the field of expository writing: college instruction.

College English

Research in the Teaching of English NCTC, Champaigne, Ill.

NCTE, Champaigne, Ill The Journal of the Conference on College Composition and Communication NCTC, Champaigne, Ill The Writing Instructor The Freshman Writing Program, USC, Los Angeles, Calif.

Written Communication Sage Publications Exercise/Exchange Clarion University, Penn.

Figure 5. Titles of Primary Literature

The report compares these publications in the section titled “Literature Comparison”. Figure 6 shows the chart from Figure 2, revised to reflect twenty-two resources available in SDSU Library.

p: quote

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Technical Writing: Student Samples and Teacher Responses

-9-

College English

Research in the Teaching of English

NCTE, Champaigne, Ill

NCTC, Champaigne, Ill.

The Journal of the Conference on College Composition and Communication NCTC, Champaigne, Ill

Written Communication Sage Publications

The Writing Instructor The Freshman Writing Program, USC, Los Angeles, Calif.

Exercise/Exchange Clarion University, Penn.

Compacted

Repackaged

Surrogated

Clear Technical Writing

The American Heritage Dictionary Boston: Houghton Mifflin , 1990

MLA Directory of Periodicals: A Guide to Journals and Series in Languages and Literature New York: MLA, 1988 (DIALOG Information Services, Inc. Palo Alto, Calif.)

John A. Brogan. New York: McGraw-Hill, 1973.

Form and Style Theses, Reports, Term Papers 8th ed. , William G. Campbell, et al. Boston: Houghton Mifflin , 1990.

Abstracts of English Studies Champaign, Ill. NTCE since 1958

Reporting Technical Information 6th ed., Kenneth W. Houp and Thomas E. Pearsall. New York: Macmillan . 1988

Harbrace College Handbook 11th ed., John C. Hodges, et al. San Diego: Harcourt Brace Jovanovich, 1990.

NTIS National Technical Information Service of the U.S. Department of Commerce (DIALOG Information Services, Inc. Palo Alto, Calif.)

The MLA Style Manual Walter S. Achter and Joseph Gibaldi. New York: Modern Language Association of America, 1985

ERIC Current Index to Journals in Education Resources in Education (DIALOG Information Services, Inc. Palo Alto, Calif.)

Yearbook of English Studies Modern Humanities Research Assoc. Websters Collegiate Thesaurus Springfield: Merriam-Webster, 1988

An Annotated Bibliography of Texts on Writing Skills Sharon Burns, New York: Garland, 1977.

The

Humanities:

A

Selective

Guide

to

Information

Sources.

3rd ed. Ron Blazek and Elizabeth Aversa. Littleton: Libraries Unlimited, 1989. DIALOG (DIALOG Information Sources, Inc. Palo Alto, Calif.) Walford's

Guide

to

Reference

Materials.

A.J. Walford, ed.

London:

The Library Association. vol 3: 4th ed. 1986

SDSU LIBRARY good figure – it summarizes the information in the whole report FIGURE 6. The flow of Information in the Field of Expository Writing: College Instruction and continues to build on Subramanyam's model

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Sherry Burgus Little, San Diego State University

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6.0 Literature Comparison

Can you unleash a smothered verb here?

Figure 7 displays a comparison of twenty-two resources available in the SDSU library on the subject of expository writing: college instruction. The resources unnecessary were compared on the basis of literature classification, level of interest, passive organization, frequency of publication, use of graphics. Literature classification refers to flow of information hierarchy, shown in Figure 2. Level of interest tracks the interest level of the intended audience: * Highly Technical (HT) indicates those items intended for a reader with a sophisticated understanding of the material presented * Professional Interest (PI) indicates items clearly written for a specialized audience * General Audience (GA) refers to publications intended for those with an interest in the topic. Organization compares how the material in a publication is made known to the user: * Simple (S) indicates a table of contents with clearly stated titles * Cross referenced (CR) indicates a work with at least two indexes * Multi Indexed (MI) indicates a work with a variety of indexes (some up to

hyphen

five or six) The use of graphics and the frequency of publication are indicated according to the key.

7.0 Factual Summary

SS: can you say this more simply and directly? hint: check those "shun" words

A flow of information exists to widen the circulation of ideas, from the idea’s generation to its ultimate general dissemination. The flow of information in expository writing : college instruction fits the standardized model. A survey of

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-11-

College English P PI CCCC Journal P Writing Instructor P Research in Teaching English P Written Communication P Exercise Exchange P MLA Dir. of Periodicals S Abstracts of English Studies P NTIS (DIALOG) S HT ERIC (DIALOG) S PI Ann. Biblio./Texts: Wrting Skills S Amer. Heritage Dictionary S Form and Style S Harbrace College Handbook S MLA Style Manual S Yearbook of English Studies S Websters Coll. Thesaurus S Clear Tech. Writing S Reporting Tech. Info. S Humanities: A Guide T DIALOG Walford’s Guide T KeyLiterature ClassificationPrimary Secondary Tertiary Level of Interest Highly Technical Professional Interest General Audience Organization Simple Cross Referenced Multi Indexed

S PI PI HT PI PI PI HT MI MI PI GA GA GA PI PI GA PI PI GA T GA (P) (S) (T) (HT) (PI) (GA) (S) (CR) (MI)

N S S S S S MI S M N S S S S S S S S S MI GA CR

MO N N Y Y N M N MO MO N Y Y Y Y Y N Y Y N MI N

Graphics -

Q Q Q Q BA A MO AR AR AR AR AR A AR AR AR A N AR AR

Yes No Frequency of Publication As Revised Annually Biannually 4x Yr. Monthly

I'd call this Figure 7. Literature Comparison a table

(Y) (N) (AR) (A) (BA) (Q) (MO)

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Sherry Burgus Little, San Diego State University

-12check use of figures fifteen pertinent resources in the SDSU library shows their position in the flow of information and compares their formats.

8.0 Conclusion Understanding the flow of information in the field of expository writing will benefit

t

the researcher by providing access to resources especially designed for the field. This report is a guide to those resources and an explains how all of the literature is related. The researcher should be capable of a more sophisticated level of work as a result of this report.

9.0 Recommendations Based on the research done on this project, this report recommends that a Basic Library Resouces (BLR) pamplet be published, on the subject of English language-exposition, listing the resources available in the SDSU library.

wordy

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REFERENCES

Aluri, Rao and Robinson Judith Schiek. A Guide to U.S. Government Scientific and Technical Resources. Littleton, Colorado: Libraries Unlimited, Inc., 1983. Carande, Robert. Lecture to students. Love Library, San Diego State University, January 10, 1991. Grogan, Denis. Science and Technology, 3rd edition. London: Clive Bingley Ltd., 1978. Houp, Kenneth W. and Thomas E. Pearsall. Scientific and Technical Information Resources. New York: Marcel Dekker, Inc., 1981. Katz, Bill and Linda Sternberg Katz. Magazines for Libraries. New York: R.R. Bowker Company, 1980. Sheehy, E.P. Guide to Reference Books 10th ed. Chicago: American Library Association, 1986. Subramanyam, Krishna. Scientific and Technical Information Resources. New York: Marcel Dekker, Inc., 1981. Walford, A. J. Walford’s Guide to Reference Materials. London: The Library Association, 1980.

good sources

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David D. Roberts, Iowa State University

Chapter 5

The Commentary of David D. Roberts Iowa State University

David D. Roberts is Associate Professor of English and Coordinator of Graduate Studies at Iowa State University. He was educated at Arizona State University, where he completed a bachelor’s degree in mathematics. He finished his Ph.D. in 1979 and taught for ten years at the University of Wyoming. In 1976 he received an Amoco Outstanding Teacher award, the first nontenure track faculty member ever chosen for the honor. Also, for three years he directed the prestigious Wyoming Conference on Freshman and Sophomore English. In 1982 he moved to Iowa State University, where he has taught undergraduate courses in technical writing, business communications, and composition. His graduate teaching experience at Iowa State has included courses in composition pedagogy as well as professional and occupational writing. His publications have appeared in The Journal of Technical Writing and Communication and The Technical Writing Teacher. In addition to his academic career, he works as a writing consultant in business and industry and is a member of the Association of Professional Writing Consultants.

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Technical Writing: Student Samples and Teacher Responses

Letter of Application and Résumé Description of Assignment For the letter of application and résumé assignment, I give students the following written instructions: Preliminary step: Find or invent an advertisement for the kind of entrylevel position you will seek after graduation. The more detailed the notice, the better. If you are not graduating this year, project yourself and your credentials into 1991 or 1992. If you are presently working, imagine you have decided to change jobs, perhaps to obtain a promotion, secure higher pay, or find more challenging and interesting work. Attach a copy of the ad to your assignment. (If you plan to seek admission to a graduate school or professional program, no such advertisement is necessary, but your letter should be specifically tuned to the particular school or institute.) Main step: Write a persuasive letter of application addressed to some real person in the organization who placed the ad (above). While you are working on this assignment, keep this real person in mind—even if you are not actually going to send your letter to him or her. Include a résumé with your application letter. The letter should be no longer than a page-and-a-half; the one you turn in for evaluation must be an original typed (or laser-printed) page, on good bond paper. Your résumé may be a high-quality photocopy of the typed (or laser-printed) original. Remember that the appearance of your letter and résumé will affect your readers, and remember how important correctness is on this assignment, right down to the last comma. Revision: I will make evaluative comments on both your letter of application and your résumé, but I will grade only the former. After my evaluation, you will have the option of revising your letter to improve your grade. You may revise your résumé as well, if you’d like my feedback on it.

Explanation of Commentary Because I chair the graduate studies committee in my own department, I thought extended comments might be helpful to Jeff , so my terminal comment is significantly longer than the norm for this assignment. I praised Jeff for achieving an unusual degree of specificity because that’s something most students have trouble with—they rely on boiler-plated phrases that fail to achieve the most significant rhetorical goal of a letter of application: differentiation from the competition. This letter was the first version turned in (see assignment), and even so Jeff’s was quite good. For that reason I went into detail about the minor strate-

David D. Roberts, Iowa State University

gic issues, and detailed the stylistic concerns. In other words, he was ready for some “fine points” even at this early stage of the semester. I made no marginal comments on the résumé (vita) because I would have had to virtually re-do the page to demonstrate my points. I thought it better to give Jeff some general directions and let him “play” with the layout. I grade only the letters, and not the résumés, for three reasons: 1) I have found that students get quite attached to the format preferred in their individual areas, and insist they “have” to follow it; 2) despite my years of experience in business and technical writing courses, I still feel much more confident in evaluating writing than I do documents with heavy visual elements; 3) I once had a polite but embarrassing confrontation with a student whose résumé I had covered with red marks and given a grade of C-, not knowing that he had already sent it out and received more interview offers than all of his peers.

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Technical Writing: Student Samples and Teacher Responses

103 N. Franklin #5 Ames, IA 50010 September 12, 1990 Dr. Richard J. Davidson Department of Psychology W.J. Brogden Psychology Bldg. University of Wisconsin Madison, WI 53706 Dear Dr. Davidson:

this might make a better opener

blah?

I am a senior in psychology at Iowa State University and plan to continue my academic career into graduate school. During my education at Iowa State, I have become aware of your work good strategy; on hemispheric substrates of emotion. After reading your the degree of articles on this subject in the Handbook of Neuropsychology, detail is Vol. 3, and in Emotions, Cognition, and Behavior, my interest impressive was greatly increased. Because of your interesting work, and also because of the commitment to excellence of your fine another nice university, I would like to work and study with you in the "stroke" for the reader Human Psychophysiology program. another In May of next year I will graduate from ISU. I have gained weak opener? a solid background in psychology with courses that include

brain and behavior, learning and memory, motivation, cognition. Before my change in major to psychology, my training in engineering provided an elementary background in physics, electronics, and computer operation and programming. This knowledge adds to my psychology coursework in research methodology and design, computer applications, and statistics to provide a basic foundation which would be useful in psychophysiological research. My grade point average, four semesters on the Dean’s List, and GRE scores reflect both my commitment to academic pursuits and my potential for graduate work. My formal classroom education has been supplemented by my involvement in various research projects. Extracurricular readings on cerebral lateralization under the guidance of Professor Michael O’Boyle led to my involvement in one of his research projects, an EEG study focusing on hemispheric

2

are these course titles?

refer to your résumé here?

make it active voice?

211

David D. Roberts, Iowa State University

differences precocious youth and normal yough concerning the recognition of emotional expression. Furthermore, I have aided Professors Veronica Dark and Camilla Benbow in related research on the cognitive capacities of verbally and mathematically precocious youth. This involvement has given me a taste of psychological research and has reinforced my decision to pursue a research career in cerebral lateralization. In addition to my educational qualifications, I have worked at the University Library shelving books. This job has made me familiar with the facilities and resources of a research library. combine & I believe this knowledge will be of significant value for doing re- tighten? search in graduate school. Enclosed in this communication is a resume and application form. I have arranged for my transcripts, letters of don't you recommendation, and GRE scores to be sent to your Graduate want to Office. I know that competition for positions in your program is ask for rigorous and I appreciate your consideration of my some specific application. action from Dr. Davidson?

Sincerely yours, Jeff Pitzen

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Technical Writing: Student Samples and Teacher Responses

JEFF PITZEN 103 N. Franklin #5 Ames, IA 50010 (515) 292-4997 PROFESSIONAL OBJECTIVE

To continue my education in graduate school and do research in cerebral lateralization.

EDUCATION

Iowa State University, Ames, Iowa. B.S. in Psychology expected May, 1991. 1986-1988 Engineering program at Iowa State. Accumulated grade-point-average 3.33 (5/90) GRE scores: Verbal 620, Quantitative 680, Analytical 710

SPECIALIZED COURSES

Brain and Behavior, Perception, Learning and Memory, Motivation, Cognition, Research Design and Methodology, Computer Applications in Psychology, Statistics 101

RESEARCH

Involved with research on relationships between cerebral lateralization and emotional perception in precocious and normal youths and related research focusing on shortterm memory capacities of verbally and mathematically precocious youth.

HONORS

Dean’s List four semesters

WORK EXPERIENCE

Northcrest Retirement Community, Ames, IA Worked as kitchen aide. Duties included washing dishes, serving meals, aiding cook in food preparation. Worked as maintenance man and groundskeeper during summers. Duties included mowing lawns and general groundskeeping, painting apartments, and odd jobs. Iowa State University Library, Ames, IA Duties included shelving books.

ACTIVITIES

Treasurer for dormitory floor. Responsibilities included drafting a budget and allocating funds.

INTERESTS

Music, movies, reading.

REFERENCES

Professor Michael W. O’Boyle, W151 Lagomarcino Hall Psychology Department, Iowa State University, Ames, IA 50011 (515)294-8045 Professor Camilla P. Benbow, W169 Lagomarcino Hall Psychology Department, Iowa State University, Ames, IA 50011 (515) 294-0285 Professor Veronica J. Dark, W153 Lagomarcino Hall Psychology Department, Iowa State University, Ames, IA 50011 (515)294-1688

David D. Roberts, Iowa State University

Comments : Letter You’ve employed a number of excellent persuasive strategies in your letter. I think your references to Dr. Davidson’s research in the first paragraph is a fine “hook,” and your return to the theme of research in the two subsequent paragraphs shows that you understand what graduate school is all about. I also appreciate the level of specificity you achieve in the second paragraph—you really show the breadth and depth of your preparation, instead of just claiming it. Similarly, being able to cite individual faculty members with whom you’ve worked is certain to be an effective selling point. In terms of strategy, however, the letter “fades” a little at the end. For instance, I think it’s OK to mention your library work experience, but unless you can beef up paragraph 4 somehow it’s going to sound pretty lame compared to the highpowered paragraphs that precede it. As an alternative, could you perhaps move it to a position of less emphasis? As for your closing paragraph, don’t you want some specific action from Dr. Davidson? Even if he is favorably impressed by your letter, you don’t want him to just bury it on his desk, or simply pass it along to some committee chair. So how about asking him to be your advocate to the graduate admissions committee? Or perhaps you could ask him to write back to give you some idea of your chances for acceptance in the program? My only other suggestions for improvement are stylistic ones: 1) While your opening paragraph is a strong one in content, it starts with a “canned” opener, and conveys no surprising information. Try starting with the second sentence and see what you get. Paragraph 2 suffers from the same thing. Can you think of a phrase that will sell your education instead of just announcing it? 2) Is the catalogue of coursework you cite in paragraph 2 a list of actual course titles? If so, they probably should be capitalized. Also, there may be some confusion about the grouping because you seem to have omitted a comma before the last element in the series. 3) Try to get rid of at least two of the three weak “This” structures your letter contains. Resume Though your vita contains favorable information about you, the solid paragraph format you use renders that information less accessible than it should be. My

213

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Technical Writing: Student Samples and Teacher Responses

primary advice is to use bullets, indents, underlines, and spacing to more effectively lay out the material under EDUCATION, SPECIALIZED COURSES (which probably should be a sub-category under EDUCATION), and RESEARCH, even if you have to cut down on the material under WORK EXPERIENCE. The audience for this document will be glad to know you’ve held part-time jobs while in school, but they will care very little about your responsibilities as a kitchen aide and groundskeeper. You could also save some space by listing all three of your references with their common departmental address, since individual office numbers and phone numbers are not crucial.

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David D. Roberts, Iowa State University

Instructions Description of Assignment For this assignment, I give students the following written instructions: Preliminary step: Invent a situation that calls for you to write a set of instructions. The goal should be to enable your readers to operate some device or perform a process used in your professional field. Describe the situation in a paragraph or three and attach a copy to your paper. Main task: Write the instructions. The procedure must involve at least 12 steps and should guide your readers through some specific process that your classmates or your instructor could actually perform. Avoid writing generic instructions for performing a general procedure. For example, do not write instructions for “Operating a Mimeograph Machine,” but rather “Instructions for Operating the Harley-Davidson Model SZX Mimeograph.” Be sure to divide (or segment) the overall procedure into groups of steps, rather than presenting all the steps in a single list. Pay careful attention to the visual design of your finished document. You must include at least one illustration, and you must use at least two degrees of headings. If you like, you may use a multi-column page design. One other thing: the instructions must be accurate. Revision: I will make evaluative comments on your set of instructions, including a letter grade. After my evaluation and our subsequent class discussion, you will have the opportunity to revise your instructions to improve your grade.

Explanation of Commentary Patty’s first version of the bathing instructions was a strong completion of the assignment, but under "The Sponge Bath" she had 18 separate steps, only two of them broken down into sub-steps. I suggested that she try to find three or four major sub-steps of the actual bathing process, and use those to chunk the instructions further. I also suggested getting rid of the numbers and using bullets or other markers under the chunks she decided on. Clearly, she made good use of this advice—the instructions are much more reader-friendly now. On many sets of instructions (even on the revisions) I have to spend a lot of time talking about the appropriate degree of specificity. When students write instructions for a process with which they’re very familiar, they have a difficult time putting themselves in the reader’s place. As a result, they sometimes short-change certain details, not realizing that a truly unpracticed reader might have further questions that they themselves would not think of. There are a couple of places in Patty’s instructions where I might have asked for

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Technical Writing: Student Samples and Teacher Responses

further specificity (for instance, “. . . and style [the baby’s hair] as desired” might leave some readers hanging). But given the scope of the assignment, and the overall success of Patty’s paper, I did not want to belabor such a comparatively minor point. Crisp prose is harder to talk about and harder to achieve in sets of instructions, since the document’s flow is controlled more by logical flow than by linguistic cohesion. Also, writing stylistic comments on a revised document can be tricky, particularly since the student may not have another chance to practice. But Patty is a very motivated (and savvy) writer, and I knew she would be receptive to the stylistic comments and suggestions I made. So even though this was our last exchange about the set of instructions, I noted that Patty used the “cause-effect syntax” technique on at least two of her subsequent papers.

217

David D. Roberts, Iowa State University

SET OF INSTRUCTIONS English 314 October 18, 1990 Patricia Harms

The Situation oops! Patient eduction is a major portion of my job as a labor and delivery nurse.

Not only do I teach new

moms how to care for themselves during their post-partum period, but I also teach new moms and dads how to care for a brand new baby.

These people receive a lot of

information in a very

short period of time.

To aid

memory retention, and to serve as a reference at home, the labor and delivery nurses provide numerous hand-outs to our patients. At present, the hand-out given to new parents on bathing a newborn is very sketchy and hard to follow. The following set of instructions was written to help ease first-time parents through one potentially stressful situation --- their baby's first sponge bathes at home. I guess I forgot to mark these on your previous draft – and apparently you didn't spot 'em either!

Editor's Note: The illustrations referred to in this assignment are seven line drawings from A. Eisenberg, H. Murkoff, and S. Hathaway, What to Expect the First Year (New York: Workman Publishing, 1989). Permission to reprint these illustrations was denied by the publisher.

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Technical Writing: Student Samples and Teacher Responses

BATHING YOUR NEWBORN BABY As a first-time parent, you will be learning many new skills about baby care. The following set of instructions was designed to help ease you through one procedure -- your baby's first sponge bathes at home. very important (?) Keep in mind the following tips: * Sponge bathe your baby until the navel heals. The cord will fall off in 7 - 10 days. Healing takes 2 weeks to 1 month. * Bathe your baby at least every third day. Wash the baby's creases every day with plain warm water. * Read through all of the instructions before you start, so you will be able to work more quickly. * Working quickly is the most important feature of a sponge bath. Babies dislike being undressed, and dislike being cold even more! * Your baby will most likely cry during the bath. That's okay; crying will not hurt your baby. If the baby starts getting too upset, just take a break and cuddle her until she calms down. Equipment wrong title? A) Preparation 1) You will need: • gentle soap and shampoo • washcloth and cotton balls • clean diaper and clothing • 2 bathtowels and 1 receiving blanket • soft bristled brush could this use further explanation? • basin of warm water (I see a potential question: "How soft?") • sink 2)

Do not use: • baby powder (it is harmful to baby's lungs) • baby oils or lotions (they cause clogging of your baby's skin) omit? the parenthetical explanations here work well B) Choose A Bath Site 1) Choose a room that is comfortable for you and the baby. 2) baby.

Work at an area that is comfortable for you and the

• the changing table • the kitchen table covered with a soft, terry towel • your bed protected with a rubber pad and towel • the floor (as long as there aren't any drafts) Note my minor alterations to make your major headings parallel. (B and C)

219

David D. Roberts, Iowa State University

Bathing Your Newborn Baby 2 Preparation (?) C)

good

D)

Page

Getting Ready reverse the 1) Collect all of your supplies before you start. Once sentence you start bathing your baby, she cannot be left order (for unattended. more emphasis)? 2)

Think ahead to prevent some unwanted interruptions. For example, turn on the answering machine if you have one. figure 1 The Sponge Bath 1) Getting Started • Undress your baby and lay her on the towel you plan to work on. • Leave the baby's diaper under her to help catch any "accidents" use (see numeral figure 1one). 2)

Washing Her Face • Without using any soap, first wash the baby's eyes. Using a moistened cotton ball or the corner of a wrung out washcloth wipe from inside to outside with one firm stroke.

insert Figure 1 here

Leaving the diaper under your baby will help catch any "accidents."

• Use a clean cotton ball or a new washcloth corner for the other eye. • Wash your baby's face without soap. • I like the tone here

Wash your baby's ears. Do not use Q-tips! What you cannot reach with the twisted corner of a washcloth, you don't need to clean.

figure 2

insert Figure 2 here

• Rinse your washcloth and wring it out thoroughly. 3) Washing Her Body reverse the • Wash around your baby's phrase cord well, still not order? using any soap. (see why?) • Remove the diaper from under your baby (see figure 2).

Covering your baby's bottom half while you wash the top, will help keep the baby warm.

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Technical Writing: Student Samples and Teacher Responses

Bathing Your Newborn Baby 3

Page

figure 3

• Wet the rest of the baby's body (except the diaper area) and lather with soap. • Rinse the soap off your baby good specifitywith clean, warm water. It works well to wring the washcloth over the baby to help you rinse off the soap.

insert Figure 3 here

• Using a soft, patting motion, dry off your baby with a towel. 4)

Washing The Genital Area (see figure 3) • Girls: Wash from front to back. White or pinkish vaginal discharge is normal and should not be scrubbed away.

The baby's bottom is the dirtiest and should be washed last to prevent spreading any germs.

• Circumcised Boys: Wash the penis and scrotum well. The yellowish discharge around circumcised area is normal and should not be scrubbed away.

5)

• Uncircumcised Boys: Wash the penis and scrotum well. Do not attempt to retract your baby's foreskin. Plan to discuss this with your pediatrician will the repetition (one adjective, at your baby's 2 week check-up. one verb) cause ambiguity? Drying Her Off figure 4 • Wrap your baby up in a dry towel and dry thoroughly. • Keep her wrapped in the towel for the shampoo.

reverse6)theShampooing Her Hair • Do this last because the head phrase is the area of greatest heat order for loss (see figure 4). emphasis? (note cause- • Wet the baby's head using warm, running water. effect structure) • Apply shampoo and lather.

insert Figure 4 here

The football hold will allow you to hang on to the baby securely while you wash her hair.

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David D. Roberts, Iowa State University

Bathing Your Newborn Baby 4

Page figure 5

• Stimulate the baby's scalp with a soft bristled brush. • Rinse your baby's head with warm water. insert Figure 5 here • Dry her hair with a towel and style as desired. 7)

Finishing Up • Diaper your clean baby and apply creme or ointment to her bottom if necessary. • Put a clean outfit on your baby. • Swaddle your baby in a receiving blanket and cuddle her for a job well done (see figures 5, 6, & 7)! I still feel that visually this is left hanging: the nice closure you have gets buried in a bulleted substep. As an alternative, how about some kind of summary?

To swaddle your baby, lay her on a receiving blanket with the top corner turned down. figure 6

insert Figure 6 here

After you tuck the right corner around the baby, tuck up the bottom corner. figure 7

Illustrations borrowed from: Eisenberg, A., Murkoff, H., & Hathaway, S. (1989). What to Expect the First Year. New York: Workman Publishing.

insert Figure 7 here

Finish by pulling the fourth corner around the baby.

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Technical Writing: Student Samples and Teacher Responses

Comments: You’ve done an excellent job tidying up your set of instructions and making them more reader-friendly and more visually appealing. I want to say again how much I like the strategy of putting some key “warnings” up front. These will no doubt save your anxious readers (and their babies) a lot of grief. As we’ve discussed, the two-column format is particularly useful for instructions of this type, and you do a fine job of using hierarchical cueing to guide the reader through the various steps and sub-steps. I appreciate the labels on the figures, too—simple things like that can really help your readers. I questioned the “soft bristled brush” only because some readers might need to know how soft. We have to assume they wouldn’t use an industrial-strength cleaning brush on the baby, but a slightly more specific description would anticipate possible questions. You’ll note that I’ve suggested phrase-order changes in a few places. You may remember that we talked in class about how an idea can be emphasized by preceding it with a subordinate clause, particularly if there’s a cause-effect relationship. So the first point under Getting Ready [Preparation] can be strengthened, I think, by first making the point about not being able to leave the baby unattended so the instruction about collecting all supplies before starting becomes an effect of that cause: “Because you cannot leave your baby unattended once you start the bath, be sure to collect all your supplies before you begin.” You can achieve the same kind of effect in the first bullet under Shampooing Her Hair: “Because the head is the area of greatest heat loss, do the hair last.” See what I mean?

223

David D. Roberts, Iowa State University

Proposal

Description of Assignment The proposal is part of a sequence of assignments that culminate in a final document turned in at the end of the semester. For that reason there is no proposal assignment per se. Rather than reprint the entire five-page Major Project assignment here, I provide below the paragraphs that explain the purpose of the project, specify the audience parameters, and discuss a couple of hypothetical examples of proposal-writing situations: Purpose The project should attempt to answer a question, solve a problem, or fulfill a need by presenting information gathered or generated by you personally. It is not intended (necessarily) to be a library-research assignment; however, library research might serve to supplement your data or to provide necessary background or documentation. The situation that works best for the MP is one for which the final deliverable is a recommendation report; but I’ve also had very successful projects that concluded with brochures, manuals, sets of instructions, and even proposals. Many students choose to use work they are doing (or have already done) in another class, and this is perfectly acceptable. However, it may be necessary to “adapt” this other work. For example, you may need to invent a fictional situation and refocus the central question or problem in order to give the MP document a realistic context. Audience The MP document must be written for primary readers who are not experts in the field. The document may be aimed at a multiple audience, but the bulk of it must be readable for non-specialists. If you are adapting materials from another class, this audience requirement may mean that you will have to consider your readers very carefully; the readers specified in the MP assignment may have very different needs than, say, a professor in your major field. You will define your audience precisely when you submit your proposal. The Formal Proposal Your proposal will grow out of the situation you design for your MP. In it, you will attempt to receive permission to carry out the research, observations, or experimentation that you plan to use later to create your final document. For example, if your project involved a consulting study, your proposal would be written to the host company’s management, trying to convince them

224

Technical Writing: Student Samples and Teacher Responses

to hire your consulting firm to do the work. If your project involved carrying out a laboratory experiment, your proposal might be a grant-application to a funding agency. If your project involved designing a quality-assurance program for a box-manufacturing company, your proposal would be aimed at management decision-makers and would have to show them why you could do a better design job than somebody else.

Explanation of Commentary Leslie’s proposal revision really was a remarkable improvement over the first version she turned in, primarily for the reasons I covered in the first paragraph of my remarks. The original document was significantly shorter than the new one, so I knew she had taken to heart my mini-lecture on persuasion through specifics (as opposed to relying on safe, formulaic generalizations). Many students have trouble with proposals because they are in fact writing about a study or a project that they have not fully thought out—a situation much less likely to occur on the job. I usually spend a lot of time urging them to increase the degree of detail in their proposals precisely because that forces them to think more carefully—more concretely—about what they’re proposing. I emphasize Background sections when I teach proposals because in that situation the “client” must be convinced that the writer thoroughly understands the problem or need. I mentioned the Benefits section because in her original proposal Leslie had put the Benefits right after the Background, which virtually destroyed their effectiveness in the persuasive scheme. Even though I awarded this paper a very high grade, I knew that Leslie had reached the point where she would be interested in—and receptive to— fine-tuning concerns. Thus I’ve actually offered alternative word-choices instead of just raising questions, as I might have done were this paper to undergo further revision.

David D. Roberts, Iowa State University

LEARN FOR LIFE, INC. 1320 Truman Place Omaha, NE 68137 (402) 365-4216 Ms. Sandra Pritchard Vice-President for Public Relations Carefree Child Daycare Centers, Inc. 457 Lincoln Tower Boston, MA 11346

Dear Ms. Pritchard: To provide parents and caregivers with the information and motivation necessary to increase reading and comprehension skills, as well as demonstrate several other benefits of reading with OK – thanks children, Learn For Life, Inc., proposes to develop exclusively for for putting your firm a brochure entitled The Need to Read. it up front BACKGROUND The National Department of Education has reported that in the past ten years the average scores on standardized achievement tests have continued to decline, despite efforts to raise them. While these scores are not the final goal of educational processes, they are a good good use indication of how well a student’s skills are developing. Because of causereading and comprehension skills are an essential part of the learning process, their mastery is vital in attaining higher levels of effect syntax for emphasis thinking. If higher order thought is not attainable as the result of inadequate reading and comprehension abilities, the consequences can be farreaching. Illiteracy, for example, is one of our nation’s biggest problems. The inability to read and write at a minimum level has do you caused more and more people to avoid higher education and seek have any are jobs low skilled, low paying jobs, many of which are being replaced by statistics technological advances. The result is increased unemployment and being on this? replaced a suffering economy. by advances? (idiom problem)

225

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2

quite a Now is the time when everyone, especially those who deal with children, must search for means to reverse these trends in order to lofty promote the overall learning process of future generations. goal use company Through the brochure you wish to create, your company is name here? attempting to have some positive impact on the raising of (tone) educational achievement among America’s youth. Learn For Life, "fully" Inc. also realizes the importance of this project and looks forward to ? contributing its knowledge and experience. OBJECTIVES OF PROPOSED SOLUTION The brochure we propose to develop will be available in all Carefree Child Daycare Centers nationwide and will achieve the following objectives: 1. To inform parents and caregivers of the benefits of reading with children. 2. To motivate parents and caregivers to actually read with children on a regular basis. DETAILS OF PROPOSED SOLUTION Development of this brochure involves five phases: 1) research, 2) writing and revision, 3) sample testing, 4) final review, and 5) final printing.

wrong tense?

RESEARCH Learn For Life, Inc. will conduct extensive research concerning the benefits of reading with children. We will interview professional educators, administrators, and psychologists and ask them exactly how reading affects social and cognitive development. We will also ask what methods are most effective for increasing the quality of the reading experience, as well as determining parental guidelines for informal reading and listening instruction. We will study the most credible sources of recent research, such as journals, articles, and reports, and will use a variety of books to gain background name a few information. specific sources in case some readers are experts in the field?

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David D. Roberts, Iowa State University

3

WRITING & REVISION I will design and create the brochure myself. I plan to make it highly informative yet interesting tol read, and the tone will be persuasive but also concerned and caring. Three of our firm’s top consultants will review the first draft and make suggestions for improvement. After I revise the brochure, samples will be printed for testing. TESTING To survey the effects of the brochure, the samples will be distributed to 30 sets of parents randomly chosen from the pre-school in the area. These parents will fill out response forms before and after reading the brochure. The forms will be designed to measure the increase in knowledge and intentions of reading with their children as a result of the brochure. FINAL REVIEW should you submit it After studying the response forms, I will make further revisions in the brochure, and then submit it to you for final approval. At your to the convenience, we will meet to discuss any concerns you have, or firm? changes you wish to propose. Given Carefree’s close involvement with parents on a daily basis, your input will be highly useful in tailoring the brochure for its intended audience. The final version we produce at this point will then be ready for printing and distribution.

good "stroke"

PRINTING

omit?

The final brochure will be produced by the printing company of your choice. Learn For Life has done much of its printing business with Copies R Us, Inc., because we have found their quality of service to be superior. I recommend that the brochure be typeset so as not to exceed 20 pages, as parents may not bother to pick it up it they think it too time-consuming[to read. ] The choice of colors will also be yours, though I would suggest the colors used on Carefree’s corporate logo. "those"?

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4

SCHEDULE

"delivered"?

The final brochure will be completed in five weeks. Our suggested time line follows: • • • • •

Research Writing & Revision Testing Final Review Printing

Week 1 Week 2 Week 3 Week 4 Week 5

QUALIFICATIONS

sp

modifier question

Learn For Life, Inc., has build its national reputation on the f oundation of dependability and dedication to our clients. We undertake those projects we feel will enhance the educational process and increase critical thinking skills. We are a sincere group of commited professionals whose common goal is the continued advancement of education. are you sure As a member of this dedicated team, I received my Ph.D. in Educational Psychology from Iowa State University. In addition, I this says have the experience of producing several successful brochures and what you want it to? pamphlets for the Iowa Department of Education. I feel this knowledge and experience, combined with the caring and supportive attitude of Learn For Life, Inc., will ensure that the proposed brochure will exceed your highest expectations. COST Our standard rate for the proposed work is $400 per day, plus reasonable expenses. Distributed among the 87 Carefree Child Centers across the country, the cost per center comes to less than $70 per center, not counting actual printing and delivery costs. After this initial investment, of course, you may reproduce copies as you wish. The development costs are one- time, and will give you a prototype best phrasing? for years to come.

"These one-time development costs will give . . ."?

229

David D. Roberts, Iowa State University

5 Yes! It works much better, I think, to put Benefits here. When looking at the positive results of the proposed brochure, it is most important to see that Carefree Child Centers is investing not only in the future of individual children, but also in the future of America, because society ultimately gains from the increased productive capacity of its citizens. Second, in making available a quality brochure of this time, your company shows parents that you care deeply about their children—your real clients. Third, Carefree will been seen not only as a caring and active company, but also as a forerunner in educational improvement. Finally, when greater interest in reading develops as a result of the brochure, more reading will actually take place in your centers, thereby decreasing or preventing boredom and resulting behavior problems. BENEFITS

*

*

*

Because we view ourselves as a progressive consulting firm, Learn For Life, Inc., is eager to begin work on a project as important as yours. We are concerned with the education of young children and are qualified to assist in that goal by developing for you a superior brochure that will be ready for distrubution well ahead of the holidays.

wordy– can you see how to tighten it?

Ms. Pritchard, thank you for this opportunity, and please feel free to contact me if you have any questions.

Sincerely,

Leslie A. Hansen Educational Consultant

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Comments: You have done a marvelous job of revision. Clearly, you picked up a number of pointers from our class discussion of the proposal-drafts, and you seem to have a much better handle on the generic structure of proposals. I particularly like the expanded Background section because it lends a degree of interest and legitimacy to the problem-component, which was not the case in your previous version. I also like the strategy of Benefits last, which I believe adds significant punch to the proposal’s persuasive stance. I asked you about tone on page 2 because “your company” may sound generic at a point in the document when you want to cement your relationship with the reader. The tense question on the same page occurs because you momentarily forget the requisite narrative stance for proposals. I have also asked a few very picky word-choice questions, because you are ready for that kind of “fine tuning.” Note especially the idiomatic question at the bottom of page 1—that one’s not optional because I think you’ve inadvertently skewed the meaning. I appreciate the effort you’ve made in revising this assignment. Keep up the good work.

231

David D. Roberts, Iowa State University

Analytical Report Description of Assignment My assignment for the analytical report is based on a case exercise from Paul Anderson’s Technical Writing: A Reader-Centered Approach (New York: Harcourt Brace Jovanovich, 1987, pp. 45-47). The case addresses a manufacturing company’s need for a new forklift. The plant manager has asked the production engineer to make a recommendation; the production engineer has directed an assistant to investigate two forklifts and to write up the results of this research in a brief report. The assistant’s notes on each forklift are included in the exercise. I give students the following additional instructions: Task: Write the assistant’s report. Operate under the assumption that your boss is the type who likes to think he/she makes all the decisions, and does not want you to include a recommendation. Additionally, assume that your boss is not very good at oral presentations, is nervous when dealing with the plant manager, and will probably use your report as a script when he/she presents the final recommendation about which forklift to buy. You should feel free to add details, or information in other categories, provided you do not directly contradict the notes.

Explanation of Commentary We had spent a significant amount of class time discussing the students’ first draft of this report, and considerable attention was given to the idea of “significance.” This term emerged from our discussion of the goals of the document, particularly as they related to the audience considerations. Many students came to understand that just laying out the information in a logical and readable fashion might not be enough. Therefore I wanted to praise Brent for having included “significance” statements that responded to the crucial goal of helping his reader distinguish between the two choices. Because this assignment came early in the term, we hadn’t devoted much time to the role of graphical elements in technical communications, so my comments about the tables are minimal, serving mainly to alert the student to things we’d cover later. As for stylistic concerns, Brent is a typical “good” writer who hasn’t yet learned to sharpen his expression so his prose will be more readable and have greater impact. Class discussion of stylistic matters is fine, but I’ve long believed the greatest benefits come when I actually show students how particular passages might be improved. Since there would be no more feedback unless Brent came in to discuss his paper (and he did not), I make no apologies for my emendations.

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Date:

September 30, 1990

To:

Dave Rupp, Production Manager

From:

Brent Culver, Project Engineer

Subject:

Statistical information for production forklifts

Here is the information you requested on the two production "As you know"? forklifts under consideration for purchase. This purchase is (reader's feelnecessary because the present lift has failed and replacementings) parts are unavailable. I compared the two lifts on the basis of physical features, dependability, and cost effectiveness. The gas putting some why passsive lift was found to cost $11,770 less than the electric lift over a ten key results up front is voice here? year period, while also being flexible enough to accommodate good strategy, increased demands due to company growth. I think PHYSICAL FEATURES The two forklifts were physically compared against features of unnecessary? the present[production]forklift. These results are listed in Table 1. As you can see, both forklifts exceed present lift requirements in all categories except maximum lift height. Here the electric lift is insufficient by 2 ft. A ramp could be implemented to compensate for this deficiency. However, this does not allow for an increased demand in lift height which may accompany process growth. By providing double the load capacity of the electric lift and a 12 ft. lift height, the gas lift will allow for the maximum process growth possible. The ability to increase production capacity will allow the company to expand good theme its sales and become more competitive.

exprs?

The speed of both lifts meets the production requirement. However, only the gas lift can be governed to a speed that is sufficient for production while maintaining a standard of safety in the work area. This standard is necessary to minimize the risk of injury to workers and possible losses in product damage due to high speed accidents. "resulting from excessive speed"?

233

David D. Roberts, Iowa State University

2 Table 1: Physical Features Category Capacity (Lbs.)

Present Lift

Electric Lift

Gas Lift

600

1000

2000

Lift Height (Ft.)

8

6

12

Speed (mph)

15

30

40

DEPENDABILITY why passive? Both lifts were found to operate with little or no damage to products and no injuries based upon records from companies can you hear who have used theselifts. Parts for the electric lift are availablethat this is "parts must from a plant 500 miles away and may be ordered by phone and jammed? come from delivered in 24 hours. This could result in a production loss of a plant . . .$10,000 each time the electric lift breaks down. On the other and cannot hand, parts for the gas lift could be delivered in 45 minutes from be delivered a plant 17 miles away. Since the gas parts are more accessible nicely handled sooner than than the electric parts, production losses due to forklift 24 hours . . breakdowns ." are minimized with the gas lift. "would be"? COST EFFECTIVENESS I have done a cost comparison and analysis based on several rhythm? criteria as shown in Tables 2 and 3. Three areas are covered, with emphasis given to the costs for shop modification and shutdown time, since these showed the greatest contrast. good strategy • reverse the phrase order for cleaner expression?

Several modifications are required for both lifts. A doorway connecting the dock with the production area will need to be widened to accommodate the size of the gas lift. This modification will cost $800 and can be done over a weekend to avoid shutdown

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3

time. In addition, use of the gas lift will require the new installation of a ventilation fan, which will cost needed here? $780, to provide a healthy work environment. On the other hand, a $600 modification cost for the electric lift is required for the implementation of the 2 ft. ramp previously mentioned. The building tighten? of this ramp will require a three-day shutdown period and result in a cost of $10,000 unless we wait until Thanksgiving. •

The contrast in purchase price between the two lifts was relatively insignificant, with the gas lift costing only $250 more.

•

The difference between the lifts for fuel, maintenance, and repair costs over a ten year period was $3000, with the gas lift being the less expensive. This difference is subject to fluctuation depending on fuel costs. However, the annual costs of the gas lift will allow for a $300 per year increase to offset any such fluctuations.

Table 2: Initial Forklift Costs Criterion Alteration Shutdown Purchase Charger

Electric Lift $600 $10,000 $17, 250 $1500

Gas Lift $1580 -0$19,000 -0-

double-space lines as in Table 1? That will make for Table 3: Annual Forklift Costs easier reading and a better Criterion Electric Lift Gas Lift "look" Maintenance $300 $400 Repair $800 $600 Fuel $2000 $1800

235

David D. Roberts, Iowa State University

4

Thanks again for the opportunity to assist you in this important matter. If you have any questions before your meeting with Mr. Strauss, please feel free to contact me. Right! As we discussed, this kind of statement at the end is more than just a formulaic close.

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Technical Writing: Student Samples and Teacher Responses

Comments: This is quite a successful revision. In addition to doing a better job of bringing the reader up to speed in your background paragraph, you place some important results up front to catch the reader’s attention. But perhaps the best revisions were the “significance statements” you added to your comparative analysis. As a writer you have realized that the various comparisons have value for the reader only insofar as they help him (in your case) distinguish between the two forklifts. (I also liked the way you added the theme of competition to the otherwise mundane information on the forklifts’ physical features.) Furthermore, while adding significance statements, you manage to avoid making the overt recommendations that would violate the guidelines of the assignment. For still further improvement of the document, you might want to spruce up the tables by making them more uniform, and you might do something to make the key information under DEPENDABILITY more accessible to the reader by using some simple visual techniques such as spacing or bold print. Finally, I have marked a few places where your expression could be sharpened to have a more professional edge. Note the two instances of inappropriate passive voice. Since your overall tone is personal and rather informal, the passives just don’t seem to fit. Also, when you are making the important point about availability of repair parts, why not strengthen the distinction you’re trying to make by using more emphatic phrasing?

237

Carolyn Rude, Texas Tech University

Chapter 6

The Commentary of Carolyn Rude Texas Tech University Carolyn Rude is Associate Professor and Director of the Technical Communication Program at Texas Tech University. After receiving a Ph.D. in English in 1975 from the University of Illinois, she worked six years as a technical writer and editor at the Research and Training Center in Mental Retardation at Texas Tech before joining the faculty in 1981. Her dissertation topic, Walt Whitman, has been largely irrelevant in the teaching of technical writing, but the poet may have influenced her practices of commenting on student writing because of his affirming spirit and sense of responsibility to the people. In teaching, she aims to encourage students by giving them strategies for assessing and responding to communication situations. Professor Rude has received two university-wide teaching awards, the New Professor Excellence in Teaching Award in 1984 and the AMOCO Award in 1987. She founded the student chapter of the Society for Technical Communication at Texas Tech University and was its first faculty advisor. Before becoming Director of Technical Communication, she was Director of Graduate Studies. She served the Association of Teachers of Technical Writing as Executive Secretary from 1986 to 1990. She wrote the textbook, Technical Editing (Wadsworth 1991) and edited the anthology, Teaching Technical Editing (ATTW 1985). Her other publications also have a pedagogical focus and are driven by the goal of identifying for students how they may achieve particular purposes in written documents by using strategies of format, organization, and style.

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Technical Writing: Student Samples and Teacher Responses

Introduction

To me, as a teacher, comments are potentially useful pedagogically. They should help students either to revise the document that is commented on or teach students to write the next document more effectively. To students, comments may seem threatening and critical. I discuss my attitudes about comments in class. I tell the students outright that I want them to succeed and that I measure my success as a teacher in terms of how well students achieve. Many classes are workshops in which I give students suggestions about the projects they are working on, and they work with peers in getting and giving suggestions. Students may also come for individual help while they are working on assignments. I hope thus to cast myself in their minds as a helper and coach rather than as a judge. I hope also that they see my written comments as extensions of the oral comments in class and in conference. My comments may also reflect reactions of a reader other than a teacher. Thus if a reader may have a question about content or if something about the structure may confuse a reader and require rereading to sort out the information, I may write “I am confused here . . .” or “How does this fact relate to. . . ?” or even “I’m feeling defensive now because. . . .” My hope is to encourage students to write for readers by giving them a sense of how readers may respond to their work. I also ask them to write for real readers. My general criteria for evaluation are the following: • match of the report to the assignment: Students must demonstrate a concept of genre assigned (e.g., they cannot write a proposal if a feasibility study is assigned). In addition, they must meet other criteria specified on the assignment, such as type and extent of research. An ambitious project is inherently worth more than a simple project. • content and organization: The document should provide sufficient evidence and detail to answer a reader’s probable questions and allow the reader to do whatever the document requires (e.g., make a decision, perform a task). Signals about organization (forecasting statements, headings, transition words) should be accurate. • effectiveness of presentation: This criterion relates to choice of visuals or prose, style, and format. “Effective” refers to choices that enable reader access to parts of the document and comprehension. An effective document also establishes credibility of the writer and the information. Excessive spelling or grammar errors will diminish or even destroy effectiveness. • formal features: The required document parts (e.g., title page, table of contents, visuals) should be present and constructed according to their function

Carolyn Rude, Texas Tech University

and conventions. Pages should be numbered. Spelling and grammar should be correct. I try to focus my comments, especially in the concluding comment, so that students will see them in the context of these criteria. I do better at this if I glance at the document overall before commenting on specific lines. I also try to comment on things that a particular student can reasonably be expected to achieve. For example, only students who are proficient with content development and organization are likely to receive detailed comments on style, and only students who can punctuate independent clauses correctly are likely to receive comments on punctuating restrictive clauses. Most of my comments appear on a separate page, prepared at the computer, with numbers on the document indicating that there is a comment. I often comment using the computer, particularly for long documents on which I am likely to comment at length. I do it because I have a longer attention span working at the computer than with a pen, so my grading sessions last longer at the computer. Also, since I type much faster than I write and am not limited by the space in the margins, I am likely to comment in more depth (mainly giving more explanations) than I would by hand. I spend as much or more time commenting in this way as I would with a pen. Students thus receive more legible and detailed comments. The disadvantage to them is that they have to look back and forth from comment page to document. They do read the comments, but perhaps they do not always check the document to see where the comments apply.

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Technical Writing: Student Samples and Teacher Responses

240

Letter of Application and Résumé Description of Assignment For this assignment, I ask that students write application letters and résumés for existing jobs. They must not invent qualifications for themselves and they must submit job descriptions along with their documents—to help me assess whether they are demonstrating a match between their qualifications and the job requirements, but also to help them think in terms of the employer’s question (can this applicant do the job?) rather than in terms of their own interest (what this job will do for me?).

Explanation of Commentary Calvin Glenn used the letter and résumé to support his application for a job he hoped to get upon graduation at the end of the semester. He was well qualified; however, because he had worked part-time for the company and had an inside track on the job, he did not present his qualifications as effectively as he might have had he been depending on the printed materials alone. My comments suggest that his complacency could backfire if a good competitor applies. Like many students, Calvin was also concerned about repeating details of his résumé in his letter of application, so he lapsed into generalizations (“valuable exposure”). I tried to reinforce the importance of highlighting and interpreting facts from the résumé in the letter. The letter is correct in terms of its formal features, but it is less persuasive than it could be. While I tell students about the standards of the real world (in which a single error can mean rejection of the letter and résumé), I am more concerned, as a writing teacher, about content and organization and try to be consistent with my standards on other assignments. This letter of application might “fail” in the real world (though, in fact, the student got the job without revising), but it can be substantially improved with relatively little revision because the student basically understands the concept and structure of the documents. When I reviewed my comments for this publication, I noted the address of the student by his first name in the summary comments. I am inconsistent in this practice but am probably more inclined to use the name when the student’s personal stake in the document is high (as it is with the letter of application and résumé) and when the news of the comment is not entirely good.

241

Carolyn Rude, Texas Tech University

3206 Salisbury Apt. D Lubbock, TX 79410 December 6, 1990 Mr. Jeep Haney Area Manager Terra International P.O. Box 36 Ropesville, Texas 79358 Dear Mr. Haney: I am applying for the position of sales representative which was advertised on December 1 with the placement service at Texas Tech 1 University. The position seems to fit very well with my education, experience, and career interests. 2 Your position requires experience in fertilizers, chemicals, and consulting. With a major in agriculture, I have training with all types of fertilizers, chemical and equipment. My practical experience in my summer jobs as a student consultant other employers gave me valuable exposure to complex situation. Additional, I worked as a farm manager on the family farm for three years where I gained knowledge of the crop uses of fertilizers and chemicals. My enclosed resume provides more details on my qualifications. My background and career goals seem to match your job requirements well. I am confident that I can perform the job effectively. Furthermore, I am genuinely interested in the position and in working for Terra International. Your firm has an excellent reputation and comes highly recommended to me. Would you please consider my request for a personal interview to discuss further my qualifications and to learn more about this opportunity? I shall call you next week to see if a meeting can be arranged. Should you need to reach me, please feel free to call me at 791-2400. If I am not in, please leave a message on my answering machine and I will return your call within a day. Thank you for your consideration. you.

I look forward to talking with

Sincerely yours,

Calvin Glenn

3

4

Technical Writing: Student Samples and Teacher Responses

242

CALVIN F. GLENN PERMANENT ADDRESS Route 1 Box 70 Ropesville, Texas 79358 (806) 562-3407 EDUCATION: December 1990

WORK EXPERIENCE: May 1983 to Present

TEMPORARY ADDRESS 3206 Salisbury Apt.D Lubbock, Texas 79410 (806) 791-2400 Bachelor of Science Texas Tech University al Major: Agriculture Economics Minor: Business Major GPA: 3.25 100% Self Support Through College Melvin Glenn Farms AssistantManager and Field Ropesville, Texas Scout * General farm operations State concretely what you did— * Field Scout applied fertilizer? planned fertilizer schedule? analyzed

April 1990 to September 1990 (Seasonal)

Acuff Farm Supply Fertilizer/Chemical the Acuff, Texas farm * Assisted customers bill? ed * Repair of fertilizer equipment * Distribution of fertilizer/chemicalsparallelism

December 1989 to April 1990

Terra International Sales Representative Ropesville, Texas * Assisted customerswith? (be specific) * Participated in inventory control * Sales of fertilizer and chemicals * Assisted in administrative duties

Delivered? Applied?

May 1989 to December 1989 (Seasonal)

May 1988 to September 1988 (Seasonal)

Northrup King

Research

New Deal, Texas * Assisted in Harvest * Repair of equipment * Assisted in research data entry Mark * * *

Scott Farms Scout, Consultant Responsible for insect scouting Assisted in consulting Repair al of equipment

AFFILIATIONS:

Agriculture Economics Association Intramural Football, and Softball Campus Crusaders

REFERENCES:

Available upon request: Career Planning and Placement Service Texas Tech University P.O. Box 4230 Lubbock, Texas 79409 (806) 742-2210

Carolyn Rude, Texas Tech University

Application and Résumé: Comments Letter 1) Instead of saying “this job fits me well,” state your basic qualifications for this job. (Answer the employer’s basic question: Can this person do the job?) State: “I will graduate in December from Texas Tech University with a B.S. in agricultural economics. In addition, I have worked as a sales rep for Terra International for the past year.” 2) Mr. Haney knows what his job requires, so use the space to give details about what you have learned about fertilizers, etc. Use the whole paragraph to highlight the relevant aspects of your education. 3) Create a separate paragraph to give specific details about your work experience. What was your summer job? What specifically was the “valuable exposure”? (Perhaps you helped farmers choose fertilizers based on the crop, soil, and time of application.) You need to make the underlined words concrete in the reader’s mind. 4) If you create the two detailed paragraphs suggested above, you can omit this one. The reader will draw these conclusions for himself. Calvin—you need to demonstrate more concretely what you know and can do. You are making claims (“exposure,” “knowledge”) with no evidence to back them. Any other agriculture major can make the same claims at least about knowledge; demonstrate what is special about your qualifications. Do not worry about repeating the details of the résumé: you are highlighting and interpreting the facts on the résumé that are relevant to this particular employer. If you aren’t convincing in the letter, the reader may never look at the résumé. Résumé Your format is fine, and you have the right idea about identifying work responsibilities in each of your categories. You can impress the employer even more, however, if you will work on three particular goals in revision: a) Use more specific verbs. Note how often you describe your work with the verb “assisted.” Look for verbs that describe the primary task rather than your assistance. E.g., if you “assisted customers,” did you consult with customers about fertilizer choices? If you “assisted in administrative duties,” did you manage the plant, inventory supplies? b) Aim for greater parallelism in the lists. Preferably begin with verbs in past tense: e.g., “repaired” vs. “repair.” Under “Glenn Farms,” list the tasks you completed for “farm operations.” Make sure each of your job titles also reflects a position (“assistant manager and field scout” vs. “assistant”; and “sales representative” vs. “fertilizer/chemical”). c) Correct capitalization errors. Note that the name of your major is agricultural economics. Calvin—you are well qualified for this job but better qualified than your letter and résumé demonstrate! You take a significant risk if you depend on the fact that Mr. Haney knows you. Another person may apply who demonstrates better qualifications than your printed materials demonstrate. Then it will be hard for Mr. Haney (and his superiors) to justify hiring you. Take this opportunity to persuade your potential employer that you are a great catch for them (you are!).

243

Technical Writing: Student Samples and Teacher Responses

244

Instructions Description of Assignment “How to Make a Topographic Profile. . .” was submitted in a sophomore-level course in technical writing. (The other three assignments in this series were submitted in a junior-level course.) The sophomore course introduces students to technical communication and surveys basic genres. The assignment on instructions required students to write on a task with three to six major steps for an audience that included some classmates or people with the knowledge that college sophomores could be expected to have. These guidelines excluded complex instructions (such as a user's manual) as well as simplistic tasks that most students could already perform. Students were directed to integrate visuals with the prose.

Explanation of Commentary In my commentary on this student's instructions, I addressed the following issues: • match of the instructions to the assignment: The student has produced instructions on a task that is complex enough to require knowledge of writing strategies yet simple enough to be manageable for an assignment that claimed no more than two weeks of the semester. He has included visuals. • content and organization: The topic is interesting as well as challenging. Many or most of the writer’s classmates did not even have a concept of a topographic map let alone of drawing a profile from one, so he could not depend on existing knowledge. The writer provided conceptual information to define and describe as well as the specific directions. The last statement, besides being self-defeating, made me wonder whether all the steps were complete; however, the writer identified the steps meaningfully and arranged them chronologically. The instructions seem complete enough for a field test. • effectiveness of presentation: The instructions are more “academic” than I would prefer (the formal introduction and conclusion are examples). However, the student does reveal awareness of audience expectations (my own and the expectations of readers as they had been defined for him). His use of illustrations at key points, the explanations and definitions, and the formatting (headings, listing) show an awareness of readers’ needs and reading patterns. His word choice is precise. The last statement suggests

Carolyn Rude, Texas Tech University

that he might have restricted his aims for the instructions. • formal features: The student paid a lot of attention to details of format. He was consistent in capitalization, spacing, and style of headings and in labels for his figures. The typos are inconsistent with his carefulness in other respects, but his other achievements are significant enough to warrant a good grade in spite of the errors. This student was a technical communication specialist and more accomplished in some ways than many of the students in the class. I probably would not have commented to most other students on the inconsistency under “List of Major Steps,” but this student was eager for details and was experienced enough to understand them.

245

Technical Writing: Student Samples and Teacher Responses

246

How to Make a Topographic Profile of a Proposed Route From a Map

Introduction

A topographic profile is a diagram that shows the change in elevation of the land surface along any given line on a topographic map.

The profile represents,

graphically, the “skyline” as viewed from a distance. Topographic profiles are used by soldiers, forest rangers, and hikers to determine and select the flatest route between two points on a map. These instructions are written for personnel who hike through mountainous terrain and know the basics of map reading.

Brief Overall Description of the Procedure A topographic map is selected that covers a proposed route.

Then two points are ploted (marked), the

starting point and the point of destination.

Next, the

contour lines are marked on a piece of paper with their respective elevations.

The elevation figures are then

put on a graph and the points connected.

The connected

points of elevation make a graphic profile of the terrain.

Working Definitions

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2

Topography:

the configuration of the land surface

that is shown by means of contour lines. Contour lines:

an imaginary line on the surface

of the earth connecting points of equal elevation. Contour interval:

the difference in elevation

between two adjacent contour lines.

The contour inter-

val is constant and is indicated on the map. Relief:

the range of topographic elevation within

a prescribed area. Where is this available? Materials Required 1.

Should topographic mapit be of a particular type, such as graph paper?

2.

pencil

3.

paper

4.

ruler

"Steps" are things (nouns). For consistency, you List of Major Steps should name your steps with nouns The major steps in making a topographic profile (or gerunds) – plotting are as follows: (1) plot the route (2) determine determining. maximum relief (3) make a graph (4) plot and connect OR: Introduce the list differently. contour points on a graph. "To make a ..., you will 1) plot, 2) determine. Instructions for Performance

1.

Plot the Route

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3

To plot the route, select a topographic map that will cover the entire route.

Then, locate the starting

point (A) and the point of destination (B) and label them with a pencil.

Next, draw a straight line with a ruler connection

the two points.

(See figure 1.)

Contour interval 20 feet

1 inch = 2000

feet

Figure 1.

2.

Example of a topographic map.

Determine Maximum Relief The maximum relief is the difference between the

Since the procedure It will newtotodetermine readers, if you can help highest and lowest elevations. is be used them by explaining what seems obvious to you – the difference = 60 feet; hikers will have to climb 60 feet.

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a route is feasible for hiking.

To determine the maximum

relief, examine the contour lines that cross the plotted

4

route, then substract the lowest contour line from the highest:

3.

1040 - 90 = 60.

Make a Graph On a blank piece of paper, draw several horizontal

lines with a ruler.

The length of the lines should equal

the distance of the line connecting the starting point and the point of destination.

Next, draw a vertical line on each

end of the horizontal lines to form a rectangular graph (see figure 2).

1050 1040 1030 1020 1010 1000 990 980

Figure 2.

Cross section of a graph to be used with a topographic map.

Now label the vertical lines with the elevation of each contour line that crosses the route.

Start with the low-

est elevation on the bottom of the graph and increase each line in increments of 10, until the highest elevation is reached.

The scale is usually determined by the contour

interval—in this case 20 feet.

However, our starting

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5

point is located midway between the contour lines, hence the scale of 10.

4.

Plot and Connect Contour Points on a Graph To plot the contour points on the graph follow these steps: a.

Place the edge of a narrow piece of paper (same length as the graph) against the line connecting points A and B.

b.

Mark the paper everywhere a contour line touches the edge and indicate the elevation.

c.

Remove the paper from the map and place it at the base of the graph; make sure the edges (ends) are aligned.

d.

Place a dot on the graph, directly above each mark on the paper, at the elevation indicated.

Figure 3.

(See figure 3.)

Piece of paper, with contour marks and elevations, under a cross section

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6 of a graph.

e.

Draw a line connecting each adjacent dot to form the topographic profile.

Summary in

Making a topographic profile is a simple process, it

easily mastered by individuals with a sound basic knowledge of map reading.

The topographic provided inThe statement Now I’m map discouraged! could undo all the good teaching you have these instructions is oversimplified. Locating andis harder than you accomplished. If the task have made it seem, maybe you need to think of following contour lines on a real map is more difficult; a two-stage learning process, with the learnconsequently, plotting aing route, maximum relief, of a determing simple version preliminary to the actual task performance. If so, you could and graphic contours is define actually harder than appears. the task in your introduction as preliminary, with these instructions aiming to walk people through the basic process before they try a more detailed version. You have organized and formatted well, have provided helpful explanations, and have used the style of instructions. You have done an especially good job with the illustrations. All of these strategies help readers understand and follow your instructions. It would be interesting to test the instructions with a reader who represents your audience. The reader’s questions would signal needs for more information or a different expression or arrangement of information. Good work.

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Proposal Description of Assignment The proposal assignment requires students to identify and elaborate on actual problems and to propose feasible solutions for a real audience. The proposal must elaborate on how the solution is to be implemented. I want students to get beyond “suggestion box” statements to implementation plans. A substantial proposal will also require research into the specifics of the problem and implementation plan. Students may write different types of proposals, including proposals to conduct research as well as proposals to change procedures or to purchase equipment. Therefore, I am flexible about the specific sections to be included (other than the problem statement and implementation plan). Many proposals, for example, will require budget and personnel sections, but some (such as the example here) do not. We discuss in class the possibilities for sections, but students design their own proposals according to the type of proposal they are writing and needs of their own audiences. This project was collaborative: three students contributed to it. They included three sample leases in appendixes, not included here.

Explanation of Commentary I assume in my comments that students will revise—not for me, but for their primary audience. They often develop a stake in their proposals because they are working with real problems, and many will revise and send them forward. Most of the comments on this proposal relate to organization. The students have comprehended a proposal, their style is effective, and sentences are correct. This topic lends itself to verbal rather than visual presentation. I hope that focusing on organization and signals about organization will help them to concentrate on that topic and learn something specific about organization that will apply to the next document they write. In addition, I require collaborators to submit individual reports of the collaboration and their individual contributions to it. In retrospect I wish I had also required them to submit drafts showing their specific contributions as well as the reports. One strong writer had pulled two weaker writers along.

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PROPOSED SERVICE: STANDARDIZED LEASE FOR STUDENTS

Submitted to Office of the Attorney for Students Texas Tech University

Prepared by Steve Mahnich John Laird Calvin Glenn

December 3, 1990

Abstract Confusion and misunderstandings between landlords and students often result from unclear and confusing leases. Many leases emphasize landlord rights over students rights. These problems would be lessened if the terms of the agreement were clearly and fairly stated in the lease. The Attorney for Students at Texas Tech University should develop and provide a standardized student lease to help solve some of the problems that off-campus renters encounter.

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TABLE OF CONTENTS

INTRODUCTION Problem....................................................................................1 Summary of Recommendation ................................................ 2 Scope and Plan of the Report ................................................. 2 NEEDS ASSESSMENT Current Opinions ..................................................................... 2 Examples of Unfair and Confusing Terms................................ 3 The Standardized Student Leases .......................................... 4 MANAGEMENT Attorney for Students ............................................................ 5 The Attorney’s Role ................................................................ 5 Advertisement of the Student Leases .................................... 5 CONCLUSION Summary of Proposal .............................................................. 5 Appendix A: Lubbock Board of Realtors Lease .................................. A1 Appendix B: Lubbock Apartment Association Lease.......................... B1 Appendix C: Bowling Green Standardized Lease ................................ C1

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Introduction

Problem In the Lubbock community, Texas Tech University is a major part of the economy, s partly because of the large number of college students who rent apartment or houses off of the campus. A large number of rental facilities, both houses and apartments, exist to meet the demands of students who choose to live off campus.

Confusion and misunderstandings between landlords and students result from unclear and confusing leases. Students normally sign a rental agreement without having a full understanding of it. When students are looking for an apartment or house, they are usually forced to read more than one lease, and they often do not read them seriously, because they cannot understand them.

Often, there are unenforceable and slanted clauses in the leases that students sign. These leases tend to try to put the power over the property unfairly in the favor of the landlord. These confusing leases try to shift the burden on the student. These biases in favor of the landlords cause conflicts between students and owners. This emphasis of landlord profit over the rights of the student renter creates ill will between the owner and the tenant.

1

At Bowling Green State University in Ohio, the Student Services department assists students in making rental agreements. But at Texas Tech University, the only help afforded students is through the office of the Attorney for Students. The office provides a pamphlet about renting off-campus, and will help students understand leases that they bring in, but many students do not know about this service, and it is not readily accessible to students for several reasons. Many students do not know where the Attorney for Students is located—the office is located on the third floor

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of West Hall. The service is publicized only by 2 a brief mention of it in the undergraduate catalog.

Summary of Recommendations The Attorney for Students at Texas Tech University should offer a standardized student lease, like that offered at Bowling Green State University, to alleviate these misunderstandings and biases that occur in rental agreements. This service can be advertised to encourage students to look for rentals that use the standardized student lease.

Scope and Plan of the Report

3

The goal for this report is to propose a solution for the problems in off-campus discuss housing for students. The solution should be acceptable and fair to both students and landlords. This report will first perform a needs assessment to see what leases are now provided to students. Then, the report will examine Bowling Green’s solution to the problems that students have in renting off-campus—a standardized lease. Finally, the report will investigate how the Texas Tech Attorney for Students could good forecast help alleviate some of these problems by providing a standardized lease for students.

Needs

Assessment

4

Current Options In researching this problem, we found that many students are forced to sign a lease for six to twelve months. If the rental period does not correspond to the school calendar and the student does not wish to continue renting the property, the deposit must be forfeited. We acquired several leases that Lubbock landlords use in renting to the general public (including students). Each lease that we examined was long, complicated, and inconsiderate of the special needs of students. Many ambiguities were also present in the leases. The only standardized leases that are available in

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Lubbock are offered by the Lubbock Apartment Association and the Lubbock Board of Realtors. These leases are used on an optional basis by member complexes, and they are long and complicated.

Examples of Unfair and Confusing Terms in Lubbock Leases One lease that we examine required a $100 pet deposit; however, the renter was not aware, until the end of the term of the lease, that the “deposit” was non-refundable. The Lubbock Board of Realtors lease, and other leases that we examined, release the landlord from all responsibility from injury or death to the tenant and from all damage to the property, regardless of whether the landlord was at fault. Several of the leases that we examined gave the landlord broad rights in entering the property for any reason at any time. The Lubbock Board of Realtors lease makes the tenant responsible for all plumbing problems during the rental period, regardless of whether the tenant caused the problem; however, one lease that we examined limits the tenant’s responsibility to problems that occur two months after the beginning of the rental period, to account for the fact that plumbing problems may occur several months after they are caused. In several leases, the owner reserves the right to show the property for sale or lease at his discretion. In one instance, the owner showed the property repeatedly, with no advance warning to the tenant.

Neither the Lubbock Board of Realtors lease nor the Lubbock Apartment Association lease mentioned joint and several liability, and the other leases that we examined mentioned it without explanation. Joint and several liability means that every person who signs the lease is individually responsible for the full amount of the rent. If one of the signers of the lease is unable to pay, the others are responsible for the full amount, not just their share. The leases that we examined also placed the full responsibility of any court of attorney costs on the tenant. This discourages the tenant from pursuing any legal recourse from a violation of the lease by the landlord

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because the court fees could be so high. Overall, the leases that we examined were 6

long, complex and hard to read. They were multi-paged, not clearly printed, and intimidating. It is easy to see how students could neglect to read and understand the leases that they sign. The Lubbock Board of Realtors and Lubbock Apartment Association leases are included in the appendix as an example of confusing and unfair leases that are available for students.

The Standardized Student Lease The solution that we are proposing to the Texas Tech Attorney for Students to help students in renting off-campus is the development of a standardized student lease C such as one offered by Student Affairs at Bowling Green State University. A copy of ize 7 this lease is included in the appendix. This standardized student lease attempts to equal the burden of responsibility between the landlord and the renter. The standardized lease puts the terms of the agreement in words that are easy for the student to understand. The standardized lease is printed on a single sheet of paper that does not intimidate the student as do multi-paged leases. Many leases are for a fixed period of six or twelve months, but the standardized lease offered by Bowling Green is designed for the period that can meet the student’s needs. This prevents the loss of the deposit if the student cannot continue to rent for the period. The standardized lease does not hold the student responsible for personal injury or property damage that occurs as a result of owner negligence. The standardized lease does not allow the owner unlimited access to the property; instead, it sets guidelines respecting the privacy of the renter that the owner must follow when entering the property. The standardized lease does not hold the student responsible for repairs and maintenance of electrical, plumbing, and other systems in the property that are not caused by the students. The standardized student lease uses an entire section to explain joint and several liability. A standardized student lease, like that offered by Bowling Green, will help to prevent many of the problems that Tech

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students face in renting off-campus. Management Attorney for Students The office of the Attorney for Students at Texas Tech has the resources to provide a standardized student lease for students. The stated objective of this office, according to the 1990 Texas Tech University Undergraduate Catalog, is “to inform students of their obligations and duties as well as their rights as defined by a system of law . . . and is dedicated to the concept of preventive law.” The provision of the student lease would be well within the stated duties of this office. The attorney in this office 8 could easily assemble and provide a standard student lease through the office at no additional expense.

The Attorney’s Role The Attorney for Students cannot force either landlords or students to use this lease. The lease can only be provided to the students as a service at their request. If many students begin to insist on the use of a standardized lease, the collective power will encourage landlords to agree to use the lease.

Advertisement of the Student Lease The existence of the standardized lease must be made known to students in order for it to be effective, This can be accomplished through advertisements and notices in the University Daily, Student Association brochures, Lubbock Board of Realtors and Lubbock Apartment Association offices, and campus information desks.

Conclusion Summary of Proposal The office of the Attorney for Students at Texas Tech should develop and provide a standardized student lease to help solve some of the problems that off-campus renters encounter. PAGE 5

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Proposal: Comments 1)

2) 3) 4)

5)

6) 7)

8)

Show other consequences in addition to conflicts and ill will: loss of money to students? restrictive lease terms that do not coincide with the academic year? Much of your persuasive power will derive from showing that there is a problem that harms students in substantial ways. If you can determine the extent of the problem (that you are not writing from an isolated incident), that information would also be convincing. In addition, it’s a little awkward to interrupt a rental negotiation to run to the TTU office with a lease. A report can’t perform a needs assessment. (It’s curious to think that an inanimate thing could discuss a needs assessment, but that use of the verb is common and acceptable.) This section could benefit from reorganization to identify specific problems more obviously. “Current options” mentions the rental period but does not develop this point (show significance) nor put it in its context. The rental period may be a topic that deserves elaboration. The other two topics in this section seem to be unfair financial liabilities to students and complexity of wording. (The significance of the wording problem is that the complexity itself enables landlords to take advantage of students in the ways just shown). Your introduction could identify these problems to prepare for the details that appear in the next paragraphs. Each of these problems deserves a separate paragraph, and headings for each could outline for readers the nature of the problem. Treating these major points separately would reinforce the points of your problem statement and emphasize that students are at substantial disadvantage in renting, not just because they can’t (or don’t) read long leases. I think your heading “Current Options” will change with revision, but note that it differs from the heading in the TOC (“Current Opinions”). Good analysis of lease terms: it shows that you are not just whining because leases are difficult but that you have identified specific, questionable terms in the leases. The details give the reader some direction about terms to consider in a standardized lease, and they create an impression of you as informed and thoughtful. Signal that you are making a new point by using a new paragraph (see point #4). Go on: what terms do you think are more fair? You can shape the way the attorney develops a TTU lease by analyzing content strengths of the lease as well as terms. Later: Down the paragraph I can see that you have done just this. Now I think that I was misled by the order of sentences—you introduce the idea of equalizing the burden, move to the language, and then return to the subject of liabilities. Be careful: the reader (the attorney who will implement your proposal, you hope) values her time. Thus, while no dollars will be exchanged, there will be an expense.

Overall, you demonstrate a good concept of how a proposal functions and how it develops. You have provided details of the problem, and you have offered a specific solution that seems feasible to implement. The analysis of terms of the leases (existing and proposed) is especially persuasive. At the sentence level, your writing is strong. You have been careful with punctuation and spelling, and style is fine. Format is fine, too. You could be more persuasive about the problems and solution by reorganizing somewhat to emphasize the two or three types of problems that create the overall problem—the rental period, the terms that disadvantage students financially, and the complexity of the wording. That would require paragraph divisions in your needs assessment (as suggested at #4 above) but also a pattern throughout of discussing disadvantages to students in these terms and in the same order.

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Analytical Report Description of Assignment This assignment is a problem-solving report (analytical, recommendation, or feasibility report). The assignment requires at least two topics of investigation and at least two methods of research (e.g., interview, survey, library research, site visit). In addition, the assignment requires formal components, including a title page, table of contents, and executive summary. I encourage students to identify specific, local problems (rather than theoretical, global issues) and to prepare their reports for a real client.

Explanation of Commentary In response to this assignment, Josh Vorheis submitted “A Study of the Feasibility of Standardizing Network Emulation Software.” His report explains the problems resulting from the use of different network emulation software on campus and recommends standardization. As a network technician himself, Josh had a personal stake in his recommendation and felt strongly about the waste and ethical issues. Furthermore, his oral recommendation had already been rebuffed by the Associate Vice President for Computing Services, and he felt defensive and even indignant. With the written report, he hoped to detail the problem in a convincing way so that his recommendation would become less threatening. His supervisor agreed to forward the report to an office above the Associate Vice President’s and thus the choice of the Board of Regents. I commented on the paper with the assumption that Josh would revise and send the report forward. Before this version, I had seen his report worksheet and part of a draft and had discussed with him the topics and methods of investigation. I had worked mainly to get him to look at the problem analytically rather than emotionally. I evaluated the report according to these criteria: • match of the report to the assignment: Josh labeled his report “feasibility study,” but it does not really answer the question of feasibility. The problem is at the title level, however; he produced an analytical report in which he analyzes the components of a specific problem and shows how his recommendation will solve the problem. His research included interviews and analysis of technicians’ records. • content and organization: This report sets forth the nature of the problem nicely. However, readers are likely to question how many departments and different types of software are involved. This information is not readily

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available, but an estimate would help show the scope of the problem and whether the lack of departmental cooperation can be overcome. Readers may also want to know what package would be ideal. • effectiveness of presentation: Josh’s presentation is entirely in prose, except for records of the technicians’ work orders in the appendix. A table would summarize the costs on pages 3-4. A schematic of local and university-wide networks might help readers visualize the problem. Josh’s style needs to be more formal if the audience he addresses is to take him seriously, and he needs to delete indications of his defensiveness. Knowing that he intended to send the report forward, I was conscious of proofreading, but I ignored some errors that readers would be unlikely to recognize. I tended not to explain the proofreading because there were larger issues for him to concentrate on. • formal features: The required parts were present and constructed according to their function, but the executive summary needed to be more factual. In the comments, I tried to show how his argument could be stronger with more information or better displayed information. I was probably influenced in grading by Josh’s gains in becoming analytical about this problem. He made good progress from the time he first conceived of the report. He identified a problem of significance and analyzed specific components of the problem. He gathered facts to persuade. The overall organization reflects the nature of the problem as he saw it. The report would be stronger if it projected the costs of continuing leniency, identified a specific emulation package, and identified the extent of the problem in terms of departments involved. However, he met the requirements of the assignment overall with a difficult project.

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Carolyn Rude, Texas Tech University

University Computing Facilities P.O. Box 4039 Lubbock, TX 79409-3051 address to the chair Mr. J. Fred Bucy, Chair Board of Regents

November 5, 1990

TTU & TTUHSC P.O. Box 4039 Lubbock, TX 79409-2011 Mr. Bucy Dear Sirs: The feasibility report contained with this letter deals with problems currently being experienced by Texas Tech University Network Services and possible solutions of such problems. It seems that the influx of several different is emulation packages used to access the IBM network are causing varied problems. Problems dealing with software piracy, software compatibility,

Your statement will be stronger without "seems"

departmental cooperation, etc. must be addressed before they become any more specific than and cost of technical services larger. "etc." After interviewing many of the people in positions of knowledge in TTUCF, I came to the conclusion that something must be done now to stop this problem. The problems caused by having different emulation programs accessing the same system are going to stop the formation of a better network and continue to waste the time of people in TTUCF. The longer this problem goes without being eradicated, the worse it will become. If you have any questions concerning this report, please feel free to contact me any time. Sincerely, Joshua Stephen Vorheis

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A STUDY OF THE FEASIBILITY OF STANDARDING NETWORK AT EMULATION SOFTWARE ON TEXAS TECH UNIVERSITY WITH AN This information EMPHASIS ON TIMING OF STANDARDIZATION. can appear in your descriptive abstract. The title is already long.

Submitted to Board of Regents

No longer! "Tech" is Texas Technological University the full name, not an abbreviation

Prepared by Joshua Stephen Vorheis Assistant, TTUCF Texas Technological University

November 5, 1990 Abstract The problems caused by the non-standard emulation packages used to access the network Texas Tech University have been plaguing Network Services. The problems include software piracy, too much technician time spent on troubleshooting, uncooperative departments, and the fact that under the present system, an ideal network cannot be achieved. Standardization now would lower costs, save time, and set up the network to became an ideal network.

good– gives a concrete description of the content and goals of the report

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Table of Contents

Executive Summary ................................................................................................i Introduction .............................................................................................................1 Ideal Network ..........................................................................................................2 Technician’s Schedule ............................................................................................3 Ethical Considerations ............................................................................................4 Department Cooperation.........................................................................................5 Conclusion ..............................................................................................................5 Recommendation....................................................................................................6 Appendix (time sheets) ...........................................................................................7 References..............................................................................................................10

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Executive Summary The problems facing Texas Tech University Network Services stems from the fact that we have been lenient in the past as to which emulation package should be used to access the IBM mainframe. Now, however, it is becoming impossible to be lenient any more. The lenience of the past has caused widespread software piracy, security breeches, wasted time on troubleshooting, and has made it impossible for an ideal network to be configured. As the time passes, the problem grows, The only way to stop the problem is to enforce a standard emulation package for all departments to use. The departments will not cooperate with this, but it is necessary to the future of the network. I propose that we do not waste any time implementing these standardizations, for the longer we wait, the worse the problem becomes. With the arrival of new installations and the individual departments becoming more and more set in their ways, it could become increasingly difficult to enforce the standardization as time goes by. This summary needs to be more factual about the time spent troubleshooting and other problems that led to your recommendation as well as about the specific recommendation (e.g., which standard package). Readers should know the basic facts as well as the overall argument & recommendation after reading this summary.

agr

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1

INTRODUCTION In the past, Texas Tech University Computing Facilities have been lenient as to the type of emulation package used by individual departments to connect to the IBM mainframe network. However, in the present we (TTUCF) are faced with a growing list of problems spurred on by this leniency. Widespread Unclear whom and this phrasesoftware piracy, security breaches, software compatibility, and(having no idea)how modifies. some of the emulation packages operate are at the top of the list. The mixture of You'll need an explicitthese problems has left Network Services clueless as to just how many machines subject – have access to the mainframe and what they are using to do this. "Technicians have no idea...." One option many departments are not considering at the present time is Complete the future. The ultimate goal of the University Computing Facilities is to produce the previous the ideal Network. All departments owning a local area network will want to be sentence and begin ainterconnected through the IBM mainframe. The present system’s software is which system? new one.

incompatible and, therefore, will not allow this ideal network.

On the surface, the situation mentioned above may seem a little trivial. After all, the mainframe keeps track of who logs on and when, but from the technician’s point of view, it is a highly undesirable situation. Different software

This qualifier configures keyboards differently. ( This statement in itself is not awesome, but) weakens your argument–omit. when coupled with the fact that the technicians do not know which software package the machine has (or which keys to hit to perform a function), the situation becomes a problem. Without knowledge of the emulation software, the Network go on: significant time is lost, Technicians cannot do their job efficiently. costing Computer ethics is another consideration the to take university into account. money. The various companies producing the emulation packages could take legal action against Texas Tech University for retribution against software piracy. Another ethics consideration is the fact that varied emulation packages make it easier for a “hacker” to gain access to the mainframe. Either one of these could create an undesirable situation for Texas Tech. The main obstacle in the way of standardizations is one of departmental cooperation. It would seem that the departments who buy the machines to be hooked up to the mainframe believe that they can run whatever software they please on their machines, after all, they own them. Plus the fact that very few ; (sentence composed of two independent clauses)

phrase makes the sentence incomplete–omit

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2

departments would be willing to go through the expense of buying new emulation packages. In other words, cooperation from individual departments is not to be expected. This report is trying to show whether or how there is an advantage to starting standardizations now. Information for this report was gathered by interviews with Steve Strickland (Manager of Texas Tech University Network Services), Gay Johnston (Help Desk Operator, Texas Tech University Network Services), Donna Chafin (Software Specialist, Administrative Information Services), Bill Hale (Director, Administrative Information Services), through ethics research, time sheets, and through my own experience as an assistant to the Network TechniThis paper describes the ideal network and then considers cians. the issues of technicians' schedules, ethics . . . (give a forecasting statement) IDEAL NETWORK In the future, departments with their own independent local area networks are going to desire to interconnect via the IBM mainframe. This would allow for a more efficient campus (i.e. an ideal network). The only problem is that, with the present

of a single emulation package

system, this goal is not possible. According to Donna Chafin, there is not a way to interconnect all of the different local area networks on campus because companies purposely make their software incompatible with another brand’s emulation software. This way, the company forces each local area network to be standardized. The problem arises when you attempt to hook two or more different type of local area networks together. Since the software will not be compatible, the connection cannot be made unless one network purchases the other’s brand of software. be An example of this would trying to connect Administrative Information

good explanation

Services (AIS) with the College of Education. Although both systems use IBM token ring networks, they cannot be connected together. The hardware used is the same, but the software packages are configured so that they become incompatible. Differences such as these are found between almost all departments on the Texas How many departments Tech Campus. are involved? How These differences lead one to believe that, under the present circummany emulation packages are stances, an ideal network cannot be achieved without major changes. Tech there? (Even if software must be standardized before the network can ever achieve its goal, but the you must estimate, give question of when still stands. readers a sense of how big the problem is.)

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3 TECHNICIAN’S SCHEDULE The influx of up to ten different types of emulation programs used to

busy with identifying the least. )At the present time, up to sixty-five percent of the technician’s time is spent program and how it on troubleshooting. I estimate that about one third of this time is lost due to functions unfamiliar software packages. According to Gay Johnston, over seventy-five rather than with solving percent of the calls for assistance which she receives daily are due to people problems. striking the wrong keys, or simply not knowing which keys to hit. Then, about half access the network has left the Network Technicians (a little confused to say the

of those calls are serious enough to dispatch a technician. According to those

good info.

figures, the technicians are dispatched to more calls because of ignorance of emulation programs than genuine network problems. In response to this, Network Services began teaching classes on how to use the system. This has not had much of an effect because TTUCF neither has the man power or the time needed to teach a class for each type of emulation software. Since the emulation software acts as a user interface between the user and the network, the original problem still stands. Because of the time spent on teaching and troubleshooting, the list of new keep the focus on installations needed to be completed keeps growing. (The technicians are in a the problem rather difficult position because they know that)with each new installation the rather than on the technicians problem grows. Each time a new machine is hardwired to the network, a new (but not always different) emulation package is brought in. Therefore, for the immediate How many future, the problem causes by past leniency show signs of becoming even a larger departments are currently problem. networked? If one system was decided upon and reinforced, not only would classes in What % of the total? network usage be more effective, but also more money could be made by TTUCF. The average technician is paid approximately eight dollars an hour. The price of labor for four technicians for one week is approximately $1280.00. If sixty-five

good facts

percent of the technician’s time is spent on troubleshooting, TTUCF is spending use figures and the $ symbol $832 eight hundred and thirty-two dollars a week on troubleshooting (the time estima- (to aid calculations) tions here come from the time sheets appended in the rear of this paper). If a collective time of fifty-six hours out of each week were spent on new installations $22.50 (at an hourly rate of twenty-two dollars and fifty cents each), then TTUCF would These calculations could be effectively displayed in a table & thereby show readers at a glance the $ significance of the problem

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4 $20 bring in $1260.00. This amount is twenty dollars less than the amount they paid out for labor. However, if you eliminate the time spent on studying software packages, only forth-three percent of the technician’s time will be spent on troubleshooting. If the rest of the time was spent on new installations, TTUCF would bring in $2052.00 a week. This is seven hundred and seventy-two dollars more than they pay out. Therefore, TTUCF could actually make money if troubleshooting time was cut down. ETHICAL CONSIDERATIONS In most professions, randomness increases a system’s security. Random access codes are installed on many locks to keep people out and for the most part, they are effective. However, having many different software packages running of f the same system has the opposite effect. The more different emulation which are used to access a system, the better chances a “hacker” has to infiltrate the system. Since there are no records as to the placement of the different software packages, there are very few effective ways to protect against such an invasion into the s ("Tends" is like system. "seems"– it u Another ethical consideration which tends to aggravate the situation even weakens the statement.) farther is the widespread software piracy which is occurring on the Texas Tech Campus. Inside the individual departments, people copy other people’s software in order to conform to the rest of the department. This presents many problems. For instance, when you copy software, you do not get manuals. This would explain much of the ignorance of emulation packages. Software piracy as a much more serious side than the example mentioned above. If a company finds that an organization has been misusing its copyrighted software, they have the right to take legal action against the user. Precedents thus far have been to charge the organization for the amount of copies in circulation beyond what can be proven as legally purchased, or suspend the user’s right to the software (Turner, 1988). For example, the most common type of emulation software is produced by IBM. The Majority of machines networked on the Tech campus use this software for emulation. If Tech were to be restricted from using this software, the network would be crippled for almost two months (emulation packages are presently back-ordered for six weeks at a time). After that time, almost a year would

271

Carolyn Rude, Texas Tech University

5 interfere seriously with research, be spent catching up on data entry. Coupled ( with the purchase of new emulation ) teaching, and packages, this temporary loss of time could set Texas Tech back for quite a while. administration (be concrete However, if Tech were to decide on one software package, the purchase of about such package would be controlled through Purchasing. Purchasing would keep consequences) records on which department bought the software and how many software packages they had. This would make it much easier to catch and stop software pirates. DEPARTMENTAL COOPERATION Along with everything else which must be considered, you can always count on the fact that your decision is going to affect someone. Bill Hale was able to explain that cooperation from the individual departments was not to be expected. Thus far, each department has created a system suitable for their needs and the technicians have installed it without asking any questions asked. If the department liked what had been installed, the future installations follows with that same set-up. Now, we propose to ask them to change their system to conform to standards

.

shared by the rest of the university. Not only that, but we are asking them to pay for the change. Mr Hale concluded that the individual departments would resist this action as much as they possibly could. Mr. Hale was correct. The fact that up to this point in time there were no standards is obviously going to spark some rebellion when the standards are put into place. Mr. Hale explained that, as in the case of his departments, the machines in the department were configured with the same software. However, since he had bought a software packet for each machine, he had not committed software piracy. He also stated that his department would be very unwilling to change from their present system. However, is it not ironic that the way he had set up the on: as How departments would system for his department is much go the same the many proposed standardization of thebe affected? Can this problem be overcome? entire system. Could the university pay for the change? Could you establish a standard for all future installations? (If you can't overcome this CONCLUSION barrier, the standardization will not be feasible.) As seen by this paper, the worst problems facing Texas Tech University Network Services can be traced back to leniency on the type of emulation software

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6

to use. This problem will have to be corrected not only to create an ideal system, but also to lower the expenses of the university. No control until the present time has led to confusion on the part of the Network Technicians, which has led to wasted time. The university is in danger of a lawsuit if the software companies discover their software is being misused, and the system is under increasing danger of intrusions. Departments will not cooperate with standardization, so the Can you be more specific about what problem just keeps growing. Sooner or later, the emulation packages will have to should be done first? For example, be standardized. you might want to identify the most commonly used or most reliable program and suggest that as the standard. RECOMMENDATIONS Then you could suggest informing departments that all newemulation installations It is my recommendation that standardization of the network use this programs be started now. If started in the near future, the ideal system could be program. I obtained much sooner without worries of a lawsuit for software piracy or increased don't know what you want rebellion from departments with new systems. to recommend for existing installations. [Note: An appendix—a three-week time log of TTUCF showing technicians’ projects and time spent—was included in the original but is omitted here. It demonstrates that troubleshooting claims a high percentage of the technicians’

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Carolyn Rude, Texas Tech University

7 time.]

References Place before the appendices Resources

Turner, Brian. “Reflections on Some Recent Widespread vol. #? Computer page #? Break-ins”, Check Communications of the ACM. 1988. capitalization, punctuation, and order of items against the standard form.

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Report: Comments You have demonstrated through your research and analysis of the problem of network emulation a clear grasp of the problem, and you have been convincing in your interpretations of its significance to the university. Before you send the report forward, I suggest a few revisions to strengthen the presentation: • The issue of department cooperation is significant as it seems to be the main obstacle to your recommendation. You can put it in perspective by estimating how many departments now have local networks. If, say, 15 out of 100 departments have variant software, the issue isn’t so great as if the number totals 75 out of 100. Chances are some of the departments are now using software that you would select as the standard (such as Hale’s). How can the problem be overcome? Could you require all departments that create networks from now on to use one program? That wouldn’t solve the problem, but some standardization beginning now would keep the problem from growing. Could you establish a date after which you would not support other packages than the standard one? Could the university pay for the change if just a few departments are involved? You need to make your recommendations more specific. • Consider presenting some material visually, especially the cost projections on pages 3 and 4 . Readers will be able to find the figures more easily in a table. A schematic diagram of the local networks and the university-wide network would help readers visualize the problem. • The summary needs to be far more factual: include details such as that troubleshooting takes 65% of the technicians’ time and costs TTUCF $832 per week; standardization could result in new income of $xxx. Widespread piracy threatens the university’s rights to use software and could result in a loss of two months of network use. Departments with networks already installed would object to paying for new installations, but . . . . Also note some suggestions on the text for places to strengthen sentences. Verbs such as “tends” and “seems” weaken statements, and colloquial verbs (“set back”) make the problem seem less serious than it is. Overall, this is your best writing of the semester. Good luck with the report.

Scott P. Sanders, University of New Mexico

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Chapter 7

The Commentary of Scott P. Sanders University of New Mexico

Scott P. Sanders is Associate Professor of English and Director of Creative and Professional Writing at the University of New Mexico. He is editor of the IEEE Transactions on Professional Communication. His articles on technical and professional writing have appeared in many journals. His essay, “How Can Technical Writing Be Persuasive?” received the 1989 National Council of Teachers of English award for Best Article on Philosophy or Theory of Technical or Scientific Communication. In 1991 he was awarded a Distinguished Educator grant from the Public Service Corporation of New Mexico. He is a frequent consultant to industry in technical writing and editing. Most of the student work in this collection, for example, comes from in-house courses in technical writing that he taught at Sandia National Laboratories in 1990 and 1991.

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Letter of Application and Résumé Description of Assignment To explain this assignment, I give students the following written instructions: This assignment has three parts: a preliminary memo informing me of your choice of scenarios for the second and third parts; a letter of introduction/ application; a one page résumé. I.

The Memo

Use a standard memo format to write a brief memo telling me which of the scenarios you will choose for this first assignment. Include reasons for your choice and some indication of your plans for writing the letter and résumé. See the choice of scenarios below. II.

The Letter You have two scenarios to choose from for this first assignment.

1. Assume that this class has a competitive admissions policy and that your letter is an application for admission to the class. Write a letter in which you introduce yourself and apply for admission to the class. Some basic points: What in your background makes you a good candidate to succeed in and benefit from this class? What are your goals for taking this course? How do you expect the course’s content to help you achieve those goals? 2. If you have applied, are applying, or will apply soon for a professional writing position, use this assignment to try out your application letter. In this scenario, write to me as if I were the person to whom you would apply. Format for the Letter in Both Scenarios: Use full block style (all text lines begin flush with the left margin) and standard business letter format (your address and the recipient’s address at the top; be sure to date the letter). Length should be no more than two pages, single spaced; if you single space, double space between paragraphs. III.

The Résumé

Submit a one page résumé with your letter. Follow any appropriate résumé format that you feel presents you best; pay attention to second and third level headings in your résumé. The rhetorical problem requires that students convince either me or a potential employer of their worthiness for admission to the class or employment. This requires that they establish that they possess three qualities: high

Scott P. Sanders, University of New Mexico

credibility regarding their abilities as writers (ethos); real desire to be accepted or hired (pathos); and some degree of professionalism, as demonstrated by writing a letter/résumé with proper format and clean presentation (logos). To do this assignment well, students must analyze their audience and adjust their presentation of the basic material (their own background) to address what they forecast my needs for students or an employer’s needs for employees to be. The “adjustments” of the given facts of their background may involve format, the rhetoric of the presentation of content, diction—in short, nearly everything that a writer must consider in a professional or technical writing task. Thus the letter/résumé is a quick overview of all of the issues that will be central throughout the class while at the same time it introduces me to the students and the students to me. I hand out my own letter of introduction and résumé, in effect seeking their acceptance to be their instructor in this class. We analyze the format, rhetoric, and diction of my letter and résumé. We consider tone, the use of specific information, how the the letter and the résumé complement each other, and, finally, what assumptions they feel I make about them in my presentation of the material as I try to persuade them of my fitness to be their instructor. I show the students my curriculum vitae to demonstrate how a one-page résumé adapts information to suit its particular rhetorical purpose. I point out that the second and third level headings are the most important: they give information specific to the writer; the first order headings (Education, Experience, and so on) are generic; the real rhetorical problem is to devise a second and third order heading structure that calls attention to the writer’s particular attributes. We hold résumé editing sessions in which students critique each other’s letters and résumés.

Explanation of Commentary In the letter, my marks point out stilted diction (most often poor predication, occasionally overly formal or standard expressions) by editing it out and suggesting alternative constructions or word choices. See, for example, my changing of “has made me familiar” to “I used” in paragraph three of the letter. Students are prepared for such direct marking of their work by seeing draft copies of my own professional technical writing (from consulting work) that have been heavily edited by colleagues and supervisors. I try to talk about tone in the letters, responding with my feelings as I read the letters. I also often find myself asking for more specific information. In the résumés, most of my marks ask for more specific information and formatting that will highlight that information, calling it out to me at the second and third levels of headings. I use a highlighter for this type of marking. See the résumé and my specific suggestion that second level heads need to emphasize the writing and editing experience, given the rhetorical situation the résumé addresses.

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278

BF to make these stand out as headings Date:

January 23, 1991

To:

Scott Sanders, Director

From:

Faith Puffer

OK

: Letter of Introduction/Application and Resume Scenario Choice After reviewing your list of possible scenarios, I have chosen Scenario 1 for my letter of introduction/application and resume. Since I am presently unqualified for a professional writing position, my resume under Scenario 2 would be slim. Please expect my letter of introduction/application and resume on February 1, 1991. Subject:

good!

Incomplete Subj line

approved

Scott P. Sanders, University of New Mexico

279

119 Isula NE, #400 Albuquerque, NM 87109 Janaury 30, 1991 Scott Sanders Department of English Humanities 257 University of New Mexico now I am give this Dear Professor Sanders, more narrative The 1991 Spring Schedule lists English 290 as accepting applications for the coming semester. Although technically sense a Creative Writing major, I intend to become an English major with a professional writing concentration upon completion of your class, Introduction to Professional Writing.

time frame?

OK My writing experience began with professional correspondence in 1986, and led to the revision of a government publication in 1989. Editing and rewriting the Project Officer’s Handbook convinced me to rethink my major and consider a career as a professional writer. Admission to English 290 would refine I used In my writing techgniques, and help me develop the skills necessary in my career choice. simplify My work at the Loma Linda University Medical Center and the explain Phillips Laboratory has made me familiar with several word processing and spreadsheet packages. In addition, I have experience working with the public, and operating under deadlines. I would be happy to meet with you at your convenience and provide you with any additional information you may need. You can reach me either at my home address, or at (505) 555-6347. Sincerely, Solid letter. A few verb choices could be simplified – – made more direct. Maybe more infoPuffer on you Faith in paragraph 4 would be helpful.

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Enclosure: Resume

FAITH PUFFER 119 Asula, NW, #400 Albuquerque, NM 87109 (505) 555-6347 Employment Objective To develop the skills necessary for a career in professional writing. Get that BA at the top! Education University of New Mexico August 1987 - present Major: Creative Writing Minor: Women’s Studies BA expected: December 1991 Related Courses: English 240, Traditional Grammar. English LookEnglish at the 290, 2nd level heads. 220, Expository Writing. Analysis of Literature. English 320, Nonfiction Can you re-design (in progress). to pull outSeveral required literature courses. the writing experience – emphasize it? Employment Experience Phillips Laboratory/PRC Kirtland AFB, NM 87117 Computer Clerk Helped rewrite and edit Project Officer’s Handbook, May 1989 October 1989. Currently enter and disburse contracting data. Proofreadsing. (May 1989 - present) Loma Linda University Medical Center, Medical Library 2000 University Drive, Loma Linda, CA 92354 Library Technician Established links with other libraries for Inter-Library Loan purposes. Maintained correspondence with subscription agencies. Circulation. (August 1986 - June 1987) Special Skills

OK

parallelism? Knowledge of Enable 2.15; Wordperfect This is 5.1; not aParadox skill. 3.0; Quattro Pro; and Wordstar. I have a certificate of training in floristry, and am a member of the National Organization of Women. References Available on request

Scott P. Sanders, University of New Mexico

281

Instructions Description of Assignment This exercise is taken directly from Dean G. Hall’s description of it given in his brief article, “Technical Writing Class: Day One,” in Dwight W. Stevenson (Ed.), Courses, Components, and Exercises in Technical Communication (Urbana, IL: NCTE, 1981, pp. 159-162). The exercise has three steps. First, I tell students to take out three sheets of notebook paper and fold one of them into a paper airplane of any size, any style. Second, I ask them to take about 20-30 minutes to write instructions for folding the airplane they have made. I tell them to do the best they can in the admittedly short time allowed. I describe the audience for these instructions as people unfamiliar with paper airplanes specifically and with aerodynamics in general. These people need to fold a paper airplane. I tell the class that visuals (line drawings) are certainly allowed. I give no more advice and answer no more questions. Third, as soon as all are finished writing (and it takes at least twenty minutes), I ask the students to exchange papers and, using their third and final sheet of paper, to fold a paper airplane following the instructions presented to them. If they cannot proceed past a certain point, they mark that point on the paper and stop. Otherwise they fold on to the end, no matter what the object they produce may look like. In a class of 20-25, three to five airplanes will more or less exactly match the instructions-writer’s original. Another five to seven will be incomplete, having stopped after one to three folds. The remainder will be somewhere in between. The wrap-up discussion is a brief one in which readers recount what they would have liked (or were lucky to have got) in their instructions. I tell students to take their drafts home with them and, following this usability test, rewrite them to hand in the next class. When the next class comes, before students hand in their instructions, we discuss the revisions that were made and why. This assignment is a good way to start a course in technical writing for a couple of reasons. First, it emphasizes that the difficulty of technical writing is not the communication of technical content, but the difficulty of working with rhetorical context, of understanding audiences, of matching the writer’s purpose with the audience’s need to know. Second, many of the stylistic and format decisions found in technical writing may be addressed in this readercentered, rhetorical context: what visuals are helpful and why? how should headings be placed? why use complete syntax? why number the steps in the instructions? and so on. For me, this exercise is an excellent way to begin the

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semester because I can touch on nearly all of the issues that I will deal with in greater depth later and I do so always emphasizing what for me is the central aim of my course: teaching students to be aware of and eventually to shape the reader-centered context of use in which the technical content is presented.

Explanation of Commentary The real commentary here is given on the three-page evaluation sheet: the marks on the papers that I return are definitely secondary, so much so that I don’t care to remark upon them here. I do not copy and distribute this first evaluation form to the class; instead, I display it on television monitors in the classroom and discuss my general comments with the class. These comments are divided into three sub-categories: Layout Concerns, Audience Concerns, and Textual (Writing) Concerns. I hope the remarks on this evaluation sheet reflect what I said in the rationale section above: I try to touch on most of the issues in technical writing while keeping audience analysis the central point of reference for all of the individual points of interest. On the “Sample Problems” page, I use sentences and phrases from the students’ papers to illustrate a few of the concerns. Note, however, that even what might be seen as proofreading (the need for a comma after “hand” in the “Syntactic Markers” section) is discussed in terms of audience. The problem is not that a rule is broken; the problem is that without the comma after “hand” the reader cannot on first pass tell what the sentence means. The evaluation sheet prepares students for the peer review guidelines that we will later devise through class discussions as the last stages in our preparation for the writing assignments to come. And that is why I never hand out this evaluation sheet. It is itself a guideline for these later peer review guidelines. If students were to have this evaluation sheet in their possession, they might use it not as an example, but as a template.

Scott P. Sanders, University of New Mexico

This is addressed to a slightly different audience than the one assigned

283

BUTTERFLIES, INC. ALBUQUERQUE, N.M.

date:

September 1, 1990

to:

I.W. Buildem, Prototypes Dept.

from:

N.M. Nelson, Blue Sky Dept.

outside contractor?

subject: Scale Model of our “Paper Aeroplane” Invention We have made an extensive effort studying the aerodynamics of flying insects native to this area. This effort lead us to the invention of a paper flying device which we have named the “Paper Aeroplane”. We want to confirm the success of our discovery by having scale models prepared in your prototype shop before we release our invention to the marketing department for sale to the public. Please have your model shop prepare three scale models per the following instructions: 1. 4"

Use a sheet of 8 1/2 inch by 11 inch paper (1/ x 1/4" graph paper or equivalent).

2. Place the paper on a flat surface with the long side nearest you. 3.

Fold the paper in half by lifting the bottom 11 corners up to the top corners and creasing the

middle. give illus. captions and # them. 4.

4 1/4

Fig One

Unfold the paper. Fig Two

5. crease.

Fold the left top corner down to the middle

good

Fig Three

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284

page two – name

B

6. Fold the left bottom corner up to the middle D crease. B

7.

D Fold corner “b” down to the middle crease.

E

C

B

relationship of views?

D

8.

Fold corner “d” up to the middle crease.

F

F/E

1"

G

G/C

9.

G

C

H

K

Refold through the middle crease as shown. C K

F

G

H

G

10. Fold side “F/G” down along line “K/H”. TOP VIEW

K

11. Fold side “E/C” down opposite to side “F/G”.

12. Make two other “Paper Aeroplanes” using the above instructions for the full scale model except one is to be a 1/2 scale model and the other to be a 1/3 scale model. Please send the three models to I.M. Soaring, Flight Testing Dept., by September 10, 1990, per our telecon of August 30. Your continued support in providing us with fine scale models of our inventions is truly appreciated. I look forward to working with you again as we continue to make

Only very minor problems with the visuals when you add two views at Step 9 w/out preparing the reader

H

G

C

Scott P. Sanders, University of New Mexico

EVALUATION AND REVIEW: 1.

285

The Paper Airplane Memos

Layout Concerns

Clarify what is a heading and what is text For example, the TO/FROM/SUBJ/DATE parts of the memo format’s top matter are headings, the information following those headings are text—so boldface, use all caps, use indentation, or use a combination of these features to make that distinction clear. Similarly, indent numbers as well as the text of the instructions to set their special content off from intro/concluding paragraphs. Parallelism of Headings and Layout Throughout Whether headings in the text or captions for figures, use the same placement and style for like headings. If FIGURE ONE:

Top View Step One

is the format for figure one (all caps, bold for the head; initial cap not bold for the caption; text centered under the visual itself), successive heads (figure two, three . . .) should be like the first. Use enough white space Don’t try to save paper. Give your reader every possible bit of help you can by using vertical and horizontal spacing to clearly delineate blocks of text, blocks of instructions, headings, and visuals. 2.

Audience Concerns

Write to a specific audience with a specific purpose The audience for this first assignment was an in-house fabrication group charged with producing a prototype model of the paper airplane. Most of you wrote to different audiences with different goals (users,executives). The most common problem was allowing sales pitches to creep into the instructions; also, general discussions of the topic (the joy of paper airplanes) wandered away from specific focus on the process (the need to fold one) that is the purpose of this set of instructions. 3.

Textual (Writing) Concerns

Telegraphic Prose Don’t leave out the articles (a, the, an, and so on) that humanize as well as clarify your writing. Memo Subject Line Give enough information to identify the project now AND six months from now. “Paper Airplane” is not enough. That’s the

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topic only, nothing about the thesis (the need to construct one). Paper Airline Evaluations

page two

Give the reader a clear conclusion Tell the reader that the final step is the final step — by having a clearly marked concluding paragraph (probably the best way), or in some other fashion (such as telling the reader before the instructions begin how many there are). A thoughtful conclusion would probably include your phone number so the reader could reach you with questions if he/she has problems with the instructions.

What to do with this Evaluation Evaluate your paper in terms of your writing process. How do you need to adjust your writing process? Do you need more time? at what stage of your process? Evaluating the audience (probably the pre-writing stage) Getting a workable format (an initial part of the composing stage) Making sure there is enough context to communicate the content (the middle to latter parts of the composing stage) Proofreading to catch and adjust or correct telegraphic prose,

Scott P. Sanders, University of New Mexico

287

other diction problems, spelling errors and other mechanical problems, and so on (either late composing or the proofing stage) SAMPLE PROBLEMS FOR DISCUSSION Audience problems: TO: XYZ FROM: QRS SUBJ: Paper Airplane A paper airplane is a piece of paper that glides through the air because it has been folded in an aerodynamic manner. A paper airplane is made from one piece of paper and is constructed by following the steps below. (Does the audience need that first sentence? Or the second?) Telegraphic prose Before: paper in half and place on table or flat surface long side nearest technician.

Fold

After: Fold the paper in half and place it on a table or a flat surface with the long side oriented nearest to the technician. Phrase-for-a-word department "as" for "because" "due to the fact that" for "because" ". . . a sheet of paper manipulated by a series of folds to resemble an airplane" or just "folded to resemble . . .." Syntactic Markers—Not Just Punctuation or Style as Ornament Before: over

With right hand fold far right corner of paper to center of original sheet and crease.

After: With [the]right hand [,] fold [the] far right corner of [the] paper over to [the] center of [the] original sheet and crease [it]. In the "before" version, is "fold" a noun or a verb? "crease" a noun or a verb?

is

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288

Proposal Description of Assignment LA-701 is an in-house training seminar at Sandia National Laboratories and therefore is the most “service-oriented” of service courses; that is, the seminar exists solely to help students with their writing at work, outside of the classroom. It would make little sense to have students complete “for-class” assignments throughout the sixteen weeks of the seminar. The proposal assignment comes in the middle of the course after students have completed the paper airplane assignment, have edited for stylistic improvement many “inelegant” sentences, and have written a short memo report analyzing the audience they address in their workplace writing. This range of work represents an “internship” in technical writing, preparing students to design, through their proposals, the shape of the assignments they will complete for the remainder of the course. For the second half of the term, students are urged to use the class as a writing/editing session applied as directly as possible to the writing they do in their everyday work at Sandia. In this new context, my role as the instructor shifts to being more a consultant chief writer/editor, a mentor who guides colleagues (not students) in the production of documents they will present for ultimate evaluation in their work outside of the classroom. The proposal written for this assignment becomes a contract that defines the new relationships that I will have with each of the students. The task, then, is to propose what documents will be the basis of this work, relating for-class writing to for-work writing regarding such variables as the types of documents to be worked on and the deadlines (in and out of class) for their completion. The juggling of the competing demands of classroom requirements and workplace deadlines can be confusing, but struggling through these issues makes the proposal assignment very real. Of course, I teach the basic formats associated with proposals. But the interesting problem for proposal writers is making the proposal persuasive, which, in technical writing, means demonstrating to the buyer that the bidder understands the buyer’s needs and can satisfy those needs. This process often involves some subtle display of accomodation and negotiation in the text of the proposal itself. That is, a winning proposal must be credible on both sides of the bargain it proposes: buyers need to see that they will get what they want; buyers also need to see that bidders will get what they want, too. The lowest bid is not always the winning bid. This proposal assignment requires that students balance their desire to do for-work writing with my desire to evaluate for-class writing. This is tricky business, but I feel it requires exactly the sort of persuasion through accommodation and negotiation that is appropriate in technical writing. In nearly every case, I accept the proposals offered with some qualifications that will be

Scott P. Sanders, University of New Mexico

worked out either through a brief conference or in the course of the work itself, with any changes reported in a subsequent progress report. In classroom preparation for this assignment, we review the materials on proposal writing offered in our text and we discuss a list of guidelines that I distribute regarding the typical sections and headings used in proposals. The discussion focuses not on format but on rhetoric—the problem of describing the relationship between the for-class and the for-work writing. At the end of this session we work on designing an evaluation/review sheet for the proposals. Students design their own evaluation/review sheets; I keep notes on the discussion and devise a more general evaluation/review sheet that I will use in my marking of the papers. On the day the proposal is due, students exchange papers and fill out the evaluation/review sheets. After the review, they may hand in their papers or choose to revise them, mailing them to me before the next class.

Explanation of Commentary I use the evaluation/review sheet I have prepared from our class discussion, checking for specific information and ending with a general comment and the specific notation of whether or not the proposal is accepted, rejected, or modified in some way. I sign the sheets, giving myself the title “evaluator.” The idea behind this bit of role-playing is to begin the shifting of my role away from being the “instructor of this class” to being each writer’s personal writer/editor/mentor, working with them individually on the work they have proposed. Most of my marks on the papers themselves are limited to proofreading, minor stylistic editing, and positive comments such as “good” or “OK,” or the check marks that I use to indicate places in the text where I feel a good point has been made. Occasionally I will note that a particular discussion belongs in a different section or make some other in-context comment. But the real marking of the paper is on the review/evaluation sheet.

289

Technical Writing: Student Samples and Teacher Responses

290

DATE:

October 16, 1990

TO:

Scott Sanders, Instructor

FROM:

Tamara K. Locke, Technical Aide

SUBJECT:

Proposal for Technical Writing Documents

Four challenges are now before me — I want to improve my Sandia memo writing skills, and I must prepare three documents for Technical Writing class. I can combine these projects so that the Sandia memo I intend to produce and the class assignments are mutually beneficial. In other words, both job and classroom challenges can be achieved simultaneously.

good

I am anxious to begin this project and to present my ideas in more detail.

SCHEDULED DOCUMENTS I will deliver three documents for this project: a progress report, a format specification memo, and a final report. All three documents will be written for Scott Sanders (the primary audience) and will be authored by myself (a student in is this a heading? an Intro sentence? Dr. Sander’s Technical Writing class at Sandia Laboratories). Boldface? The classroom documents: I. specific audience?

Progress Report

The progress report will consist of an analysis of for this report? a Sandia audience. The Analysis will include an egocentric organization chart and a PERT chart. The reportBoldface? will be entitled, “Audience Analysis for Whitestar Memo.” II.

Format Specification Memo

The format specification memo will detail the good overall format to be used in the final report. For example, any headlines planned for the final report will be

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2

described. Also, all visuals (charts or diagrams) I plan to include will be discussed, along with the locations of these visuals within the final report. Furthermore, any techniques planned to make the final report more Boldface visually pleasing and easy and inviting to read will be cited. The title of the memo will be good “Format Specification Memo for the Whitestar Report.” III. Final Report The final report will include one of my previously written memos, my revision of this memo, and an analysis of both versions. It will incorporate the information gained by conducting the audience analysis for the progress report as well as the format presented in the format specification memo. The final report will be 5-12 pages.

PROCEDURES/GOALS My overall goal is to produce an effective revised Sandia memo to use as a model for future memos. I also plan to produce three well-written Technical Writing class documents. I would like to facilitate both projects by making each support the other. For example, my Sandia memo could provide the subject material, format type, and audience, all necessary to complete my class assignments. The class documents, in turn, would certainly improve my Sandia memo. I have provided more explanation concerning how these two areas reinforce each good other in the outline below and in Figure 1 (following the outline). I.

The classroom assignments will benefit from the Sandia project.

A. The progress report would benefit from the Sandia project because the Sandia memo provides the subject material for the progress report and gives it a foothold in reality — an actual on-the-job audience will be analyzed. B. The format specification memo would also derive

Technical Writing: Student Samples and Teacher Responses

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3

upon former will

its subject matter from the Sandia memo. The format specification memo is very dependant the Sandia document because the

good

specify all format considerations of the final report, and the subject of the final report encompasses the original and revised Sandia memos (and the analysis of the two). C. The final report would be totally dependant upon my actual on-the-job assignment. As previously mentioned, the final report will consist of the Sandia memo and the revised memo, as well as an analysis of the two versions. Obviously, working on the Sandia project will simultaneously provide me with material for my

what's in here?

SUBJECT MATERIAL

or in here?

ACTUAL ON-THE-JOB APPLICATIONS PROGRESS REPORT: AUDIENCE ANALYSIS FORMAT SPECIFICATION MEMO: STRUCTURE OF FORMAT FINAL REPORT: MEMO ANALYSIS AND MODEL MEMO

SANDIA MEMO Figure 1Shared Benefits Of S

CLASSROOM DOCUMENTS andia Memo/Classroom Documents looks like everything is shared?

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4

final report. II.

The Sandia memo will profit from the classroom assignments. A. The progress report will provide the audience analysis I must have to write an effective

memo. B. The format specification memo will structure visual aspects of the Sandia

the memo.

C. The final report will help me to understand why my revised memo is preferable to the original, and provide me with a model for future memos. WRITING SCHEDULE/COMPLETION DATES The three documents will be completed and submitted on the following dates:

OK

Progress Report - November 6, 1990 (#11 Class Session) Format Specification Memo - November 20, 1990 (#13 Class Session)

CLASS WEEK DOCUMENT

OCT 31 to NOV 6

NOV 7 to NOV 13

NOV 14 to NOV 20

PROGRESS REPORT FORMAT SPECIFICATION MEMO REVISED SANDIA MEMO FINAL REPORT

Figure 2

Writing Schedule/Comple tion Dates

NOV 21 to NOV 27

NOV 28 to DEC 4

DEC 5 to DEC 11

Technical Writing: Student Samples and Teacher Responses

294

5 bullets – use lower case "o's" and fill them in with Final Report black - December 11, 1990 ink

(#16 Class Session)

The revised Sandia memo will be completed by November 27, 1990, then will be presented as a part of my final report on December 11, 1990. I will be using my conclusions from the progress report and the format specification memo to write and structure the final report. Therefore, I plan no definite starting date for the final report, but will work on sections of it while writing the first two documents. Refer to the chart in Figure 2, below, which illustrates the above dates. QUALIFICATIONS For the folowing reasons, I feel I am fully qualified to handle this project:

of

I have recently completed an audience analysis, much which can be used in my progress report.

I have on-the-job plus classroom experience in memo writing which would be very useful in preparing the format specification memo. awk passive in this senFrom my college training, I have had years of tence experience in writing reports. Furthermore, I have a very strong incentive to do quality work in preparing the three documents — they will be very useful to me in preparing my revised Sandia memo.

COST I estimate I will need four hours each week, from October 31 through December 11, 1990 (6 weeks) to complete these proposal accepted!

good

Scott P. Sanders, University of New Mexico

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Evaluation and Review:

Proposal

Describe the main idea of this proposal in a sentence or two. Work on memo writing/report writing skills by focusing on a memo for the “Whitestar” project, documenting audience, format, and evaluating before/after versions. Content Checks:

1.

SOW:

Three papers:

progress report

when? 11/6

spec memo

when? 11/20

final report

when? 12/11

good

(oral report)

2. the

Are the headings complete?

Do they accurately describe

discussions they introduce? good use of heads - suggestion:

use boldface to

clearly delineate subheads from major heads (see pp. 1 & 2) 3.

sive

Where is the relationship between for-class and for-work writing, researching, and so on discussed? Is this relationship clearly described and related to the persuathrust of the proposal? In the Intro and especially in sub-heads of the Scheduled Documents section. Generally well done and persuasive. Procedures/Goals also well done.

Summary Comment: Accept the proposal as is?

If not, with what changes?

Proposal accepted. You have chosen a very appropriate task that clearly relates in-class goals & work to your for-work goals and work. Good job!

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296

Analytical Report Description of Assignment As I noted in the earlier discussion of the proposal assignment, LA-701 is an in-house training seminar that exists solely to help students with their writing at work, outside of the classroom. Consequently, there is no “final report” assignment requiring a finished document. Instead, students work on the projects they proposed in the proposal assignment: an assortment of workplace tasks ranging from professional journal articles, to designing formats for memos and reports, to manuals and instructions for everything from complicated software to using an automated telephone system. In nearly every case, these projects have deadlines that do not coincide with the end of LA-701’s semester, so I find myself editing/reading/grading drafts, at best penultimate drafts. So it is with the example offered here, a “first final draft” of a journal article to be submitted to Applied Physics Letters. In this manner I continue playing the role of a colleague writer/editor regarding the students’ writing, and, in this case, read and marked this draft when I received it, mailed to my home three weeks after the final class session. In classroom preparation for this assignment, we review materials on report formats (front matter, body, back matter, and appropriate headings), writing abstracts, writing executive summaries, methods of citing references, using appendices, proper use and placement of visuals, and, finally, a review of diction issues. This review involves four classes involving lectures and exercises referring to readings taken from textbooks, professional journal articles, and the “SandReport” (the title given to a common form of an in-house, Sandia report) on how to format SandReports. The final lecture session focuses on designing a peer evaluation/review sheet for the documents that students are preparing. Students design their own evaluation/review sheets; unlike the proposal assignment, I do not devise a more general evaluation/review sheet for my marking of the papers. In the final two classes of the term, students present their “works-inprogress” in oral reports. Sometimes final reports are submitted in time to be returned at the final class. More often, I receive drafts in the mail and return marked copy, sometimes weeks after the final class session, as in this case.

Explanation of Commentary Sarah Everist signed up for this class, to a great extent, to work on this particular journal article. Earlier in the term during the audience analysis part of our study, she analyzed the style of three articles similar in length and approach to hers that had been published previously in Applied Physics Letters.

Scott P. Sanders, University of New Mexico

She was particularly attentive to passive voice use, discovering that introductions and conclusions used active voice with personal pronouns, but that discussions of methods and procedure used impersonal, passive voice constructions. My marks focus on giving the paper a strong, narrative dimension: the reader needs to know who does what to whom, when, and with what result. Doing this in Sarah’s writing often means changing passive constructions to active ones (as in line 5), or, as in line 12, simplifying the predicate to focus on the action involved. Unlike an editor, I do not offer an alternative reading for the line 12 sentence (which, like an editor, I did in line 7). To reinforce the narrative, active writing I want to see developed, I underlined and applauded the clarity of the active, declarative construction “we developed a technique which significantly improves endurance” given in lines 17-18, implicitly suggesting that other sentences would be improved by following this one. My preoccupation with verbs continues on page two and on to the end. Here and farther down I also suggest where headings (which are part of the journal’s format) might appear. My end comment is upbeat and positive. I do find the article “very readable,” and I hope by saying so to influence Sarah to edit the few places I have marked (and on her own to edit other, unmarked places) in her final draft to make the article more readable still.

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Technical Writing: Student Samples and Teacher Responses

298

High Endurance Cycling of Silicon-Oxide-Nitride-Oxide-Semiconductor Transistors Using Asymmetric Write/Erase Pulses Sarah C. Everist, Samuel L. Miller, and Jerome F. Jakubczak Sandia National Laboratories, Albuquerque, New Mexico 87185 —————————————————————————————————— Abstract (still to be written) Nature and scope of investigation Principal results Conclusion ——————————————————————————————————

find an active voice construction to place the topic before the reader in a narrative context – as Check High endurance-cycling of silicon-oxide-nitride-oxide part of against a story semiconductor (SONOS), silicon-nitride-oxide-semiconductor your with analysis (SNOS), and metal-nitride-oxide-semiconductor (MNOS) memory actors, of the actions, journal's transistors results in degradation, reducing data retention time & dominant (1, 2, references). Positive shifts in the threshold voltages consequences. style to the Again – state, more action/narration? are observed for both shifts the logic ‘1’,positive(?) or excess electron and the logic ‘0’, or excess hole state.

However, the logic ‘0’

state experiences a larger positive shift, relative to the logic ‘1’ state.

This results in a reduction in the retention window

size (the difference in the threshold voltages of the logic ‘1’ and logic ‘0’ state).

Shifts in the logic ‘0’ threshold voltage

simplify predicate? are accompanied by an increase in the decay rate active of the verb? logic ‘0’ state (1, 2, references). Cycling degradation is accompanied by an increase in the density of Si-SiO2 interface states (references).

Hole transport

through the tunnel oxide, resulting in the creation of hole traps in the SiO2 and the generation of Si-SO2 interface states, has good been hypothesized to be the major source of cycling degradation (3, references).

Using this hypothesis, we developed a technique

Scott P. Sanders, University of New Mexico

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High Endurance Cycling of SONOS Transistors

which significantly improves endurance.

Page 2

If cycling degradation

is caused by hole transport through the tunnel oxide, one should end of intro be able to improve endurance by limiting hole injection. This (New Heading Here)?? Methods (?) can be accomplished by cycling the transistor with an asymmetric, strong write, weak erase pulse. This hypothesis was tested using SONOS n-channel transistors, which were fabricated on the same wafers with SONOS top-oxide layer of s a thermally grown, 16K memories. These transistors consist of tunnel-oxide of 16 angstroms and a deposited nitride of 250 angstroms.

The nitride is oxidized to form an approximately 50

angstrom top-oxide and a final nitride thickness of approximately 225 angstroms.

After the polysilicon gate deposition and prior good

to metalization, the transistors receive a hydrogen anneal for one hour at 900 C. We cycled these transistors, using strong write, weak erase pulses to achieve an initial positive threshold voltage of approximately 2.0V and a negative threshold voltage of 0 to -

. 0.5V, respectively.

We used either an asymmetric pulse amplitude

or an asymmetric pulsewidth; either condition produced similar use same verb results. For the asymmetric pulse amplitude, pulsing conditions construction were 16V, 1ms for the write pulse, and 11.5V, 1ms for the erase We took pulse. For the asymmetric pulsewidth, we used 16V, 1ms for the lc write pulse and 16V, 20us for the erase pulse.

Other transistors

were cycled using symmetric, write-erase pulses of +/-16V amplitude and 1 ms pulsewidth. Threshold voltage measurements at 10uA drain current were taken after each decade of cycling from 103 to 108 cycles. Programming conditions for the retention tests were identical to

Technical Writing: Student Samples and Teacher Responses

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High Endurance Cycling of SONOS Transistors

the cycling conditions.

Page 3

During the retention tests, the After 108

threshold voltage was monitored for 100 seconds.

cycles, longer duration retention measurements were taken. retention tests lasted 3x104 seconds.

These

For the longer durationerm

retention tests, both symmetrically and asymmetrically cycled Results (new heading) transistors were first programmed asymmetrically and measured, then programmed using symmetric programming conditions, and remeasured.

For either cycling condition, asymmetric cycling pulse

amplitude or pulsewidth, results are similar if the initial threshold voltages are the same. s ‘0’ and Fig. 1 shows the threshold voltage for both logic logic ‘1’ states, measured 100 seconds, as a function of the number of cycles, for both symmetrically and asymmetrically D cycled transistors. .For the symmetrically cycled transistors, reference? the initial retention window, measured at zero cycles, is more approximately 4 volts. However, the degradation becomes severe as the number of cycles increase, reducing the window to approximately 1.25 volts by 108 cycles.

The asymmetrically

cycled transistors have a smaller initial window of approximately 2 volts; due to the weaker clear pulse, the logic ‘0’ state is less negative.

They experience little degradation.

After 108

cycles, the window is approximately 1,88 volts, greater than 0.6 volts larger than that of the symmetrically cycled transistor. Retention time can be further increased by reprogramming, using a symmetric pulse, after asymmetric cycling.

The memory

window, measured after 108 cycles is shown in Fig. 2 as a function of retention time, for both symmetrically cycled and asymmetrically cycled transistors. :

Asymmetric cycling, followed

Scott P. Sanders, University of New Mexico

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High Endurance Cycling of SONOS Transistors

Page 4

by symmetric programming, results in the largest window over a period of 3x104 seconds. A linear extrapolation of the data suggests the window size will still be several tenths of a volt after 10 years.

Samples cycled asymmetrically with no change in

programming have a larger window than the symmetriclly cycled samples.

The extrapolated data suggest longer retention times as

well; on the order of one year for asymmetric cycling, 3 days for symmetric cycling.

Based on the extrapolated values in Fig. 1,

this difference would be expected to increase with increasing cycles. —————————————————————————————————— Discussion (3 paragraphs still to be written, including several of the following) CONCLUSION? Result of effects: Extrapolating the data is reasonable. Trade-off between long retention and high number of cycles. Discuss decay-rate? Principles, relationships, generalizations shown by results Any exceptions, lack of correlation, unsettled points. How results and interpretations agree or contrast with other published work. Theoretical implications. —————————————————————————————————— Two types of applications for asymmetric programming are feasible.

In the first, a high number of cycles is required,

followed by a short retention time.

This can be achieved by

programming with asymmetric, long write, short clear pulses.

In

the second application, long retention times are required after periods of cycling.

The part can be programmed with asymmetric,

long write, short clear pulses, to reduce degradation due to cycling.

When long retention is needed, the part can be repro-

Very readable! Can you it make thebenarrative stronger grammed with symmetric pulses. However, must determined in with more active voice at the top? Look also at headings to guide the reader through the discussion.

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High Endurance Cycling of SONOS Transistors

Page 5

advance when longer retention times are required, in order to change the programming conditions.

This may be acceptable for

systems which shut down as a response to some external stimulus. In summary, we have demonstrated a technique to achieve retention times greater than approximately 10 years after experiencing in excess of 108 cycles.

Useful retention times after 1010

cycles appears to be achievable.

References 1A.I.

Agafonov, A.F. Plotnikov, V.N. Seleznev, Mikroelektronika 10 127 (1981). 2P. Gentil, S. Chausse, IEEE Trans. Electron Devices, ED-25 1042 (1978). 3E. Suzuki, Y. Hayashi, J. Appl. Phys. 52 6377 (1981).

Scott P. Sanders, University of New Mexico

303

3

LOGIC '1' LOGIC "1"

1

ASYMMETRIC CYCLING SYMMETRIC CYCLING

0

LOGIC "0" LOGIC '0'

-1

.

VTH @ 100 sec

2

-2

-3 10 0

10 1

10 2

10 3

10 4

10 5

10 6

10 7

10 8

10 9

10 10

CYCLES FIG. 1. Threshold Voltage Shifts for both the Logic '1' and the Logic '0' state, measured at 100 seconds, for a SONOS transistor cy cled with symmetric write/erase pulses and a SONOS transistor cycled with asymmetric strong write/weak erase pulses. Dashed lines represent extrapolated data.

Technical Writing: Student Samples and Teacher Responses

304

5 ASYMMETRIC CYCLING/SYMMETRIC PRO GRAMMING ASYMMETRIC CYCLING/PROGRAMMING

4

8

SYMMETRIC CYCLING/PROGRAMMING

3

2

1

V) @ 10 CYCL

0

10 0

10 1

10 2

ES

WINDOW SIZE (

10 YR

10 3

10 4

10 5

10 6

10 7

10 8

10 9

10 10

TIME (S) FIG. 2. Decay of the retention window, measured after 10 8 cycles for SONOS transistors cycled with either symmetric write/erase pulses, or with asymmetric strong write/weak erase pulses. After cycling the transistors were programmed with pulses identical to the cycling pulse, and retention measurements were taken. The asymmetrically cycled transistor was then re-programmed with a symmetric write/erase pulse and measured. Dashed lines represent extrapolated data.

305

Dorothy Winsor, GMI Engineering & Management Institute

Chapter 8

The Commentary of Dorothy Winsor GMI Engineering & Management Institute

Dorothy A. Winsor is an Associate Professor of Communication at GMI Engineering & Management Institute in Flint, Michigan. She teaches written and oral communication to engineering co-op students. She does research on the writing of engineers, publishing in such journals as College Composition and Communication, The Journal of Business and Technical Communication, Written Communication, and IEEE Transactions on Professional Communication. She received the 1991 National Council of Teachers of English award for Best Article on Philosophy or Theory of Technical or Scientific Communication. She has a Ph.D. in English from Wayne State University.

306

Technical Writing: Student Samples and Teacher Responses

Letter of Application and Résumé Description of Assignment In a senior course on written and oral communication, this assignment asked the students to select real jobs for which they were qualified and would like to be considered. They could include real information only. Students received the standard instructions to talk about what they could do for the company, rather than vice versa.

Explanation of Commentary This is a nice letter and résumé. Of course, it should be. It was written by a senior who had good co-op work experience to list, and it was edited in class by two other students before it was turned in. A number of things make it a good piece of work: The opening paragraph of Brian’s letter cites a name the reader will be familiar with, identifies a specific position, and suggests a willingness to be useful. The listed evidence of his qualifications is specific and relevant. Indenting it makes it very visible. The letter’s final paragraph makes it easy for the reader to contact Brian. Brian’s résumé gives much of the same material but in different words so as not to sound repetitious. He presents experience, education, and references so as to demonstrate his strengths. Both the letter and the résumé are attractively arranged. Brian chose to change names, addresses, and phone numbers here, in order to protect his and his company’s privacy.

307

Dorothy Winsor, GMI Engineering & Management Institute

123 Elm Street Flint, MI 10010 October 11,1989 Mr. Tony Moore Personnel Manager ABC Corporation 2244 Lakeshore Drive Chicago, Il 80050 capitalize both letters for a zip code abbreviation Dear Mr. Moore: At the suggestion of Mr. Tom Nelson, Supervisor of brake testing and assembly, I am writing to apply for the position of test stand engineer. My work experience as a co-operative student in test stand development and my education at General Motors Institute will help me to make contributions to brake systems development and manufacturing. My qualifications include: Three years of work experience at ABC Corporation in Chicago, Il. I was assigned to the Antilock clean room assembly and test area, where I designed and programmed hydraulic and pneumatic test stands. Development of a data collection network using personal computers and data modules for early detection and elimination of problem components in the assembly process. Exposure to manufacturing processes of disc brakes, master cylinders, and wheel cylinders. As I'm sure you know, this is no longer to thereceive name I expect my Bachelor of Science Degree in ofElectrical the school. If you want Engineering in June, 1991, from General Motors toInstitute. include the Iold look name forward to hearing from you. I can be reached any eveningyou at (313)-222-7575. Thank-you for your for recognizability, consideration. can say "GMI Engineering & Management Institute (formerly Sincerely, General Motors Institute)" Nice letter

Brian Hall

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Technical Writing: Student Samples and Teacher Responses

Good evidence Clear language BRIAN HALL 123 Elm Street Flint, MI 10010 (313)- 222-7575 Professional Objective with A position in an automotive electronics manufacturer, specializing in automotive braking systems. I feel my experiences in assembly and testing of braking systems will enable me to make significant contributions in brake systems development. Work Experience 1986-1991

matic test

Bradley controllers. and drafting layouts.

Employed as a co-operative student for the ABC Corporation for three years. While there I gained experience in: Programming of programmable controllers and design of hydraulic and pneustands.

Development of a data collection network using data modules and Allenprogrammable logic This network allowed for early detection of faulty components during the processes assembly testing. Working knowledge of computer aided in electrical and hydraulic

Education 1986-1991 Bachelor’s Degree in Electrical Engineering move over two with a minor in management, from GMI spaces to show Engineering & Management Institute. it's not a new Activities item Institute of Electrical and Electronic Engineers National Honor Society Management Club References Tom Nelson Supervisor of Brake Test and Assembly Chicago, Il (312)-492-4241 Ext 450

Dave Nash Supervisor Test Stand Technicians Chicago, Il (312)-492-4241 Ext 400

Dorothy Winsor, GMI Engineering & Management Institute

Instructions Description of Assignment This assignment from a freshman course in written and oral communication was taken from The Technical Writing Casebook by Thomas N. Trzyna and Margaret W. Batschelet (Belmont, CA: Wadsworth, 1988, pp. 148-154). It called for students to write a set of instructions for maintaining a laser printer. It was a typical case assignment, in that it provided the writer with a role (technical writer for the company making the printer), an audience (office workers whose company purchased the printer), and a purpose for writing (instructions were to be included in the User’s Guide for the printer). The case gave the writer all the information needed to write the instructions, but in a jumbled and redundant form that the writer would have to sort through and organize.

Explanation of Commentary These instructions were the second writing assignment completed by a freshman during his first term at GMI. Given the early point at which this work was done, it’s quite good. The instructions are clear, parallel, and in the imperative mood. Warnings are given at appropriate spots, and the student has made a good effort to position sub-sets of instructions where the reader will be able to find them. Notice, for instance, the two options under step four of “Clearing Paper Jams” or the material on special kinds of paper at the end of the section on “Adding Paper.” One problem on page three is typical of case assignments. In describing how to clear paper jams, the student writes of removing a toner drum, but not a printer drum. The case was somewhat ambiguous about whether there really were two separate drums, but I think there were. I am inclined to be lenient about grading this area, however, because neither the student nor I have any way to verify our conclusions. When I returned these instructions to the class, I pointed out that this was an ambiguity they would have been able (and required) to clear up at work. A similar problem occurs at the end of the “Adding Paper” section on page two. The instructions for orienting the tops of letterhead and doublesided paper are contradictory, but they echo the case accurately. The student knew they were contradictory; he just didn’t know what to do about it. Some of the things I’ve marked are trivial (like moving the heading on the bottom of page two), but I want students to know that trivial things matter in determining people’s reactions to a report at work. I want them to know that accurate information is a necessary but not sufficient quality for a good report.

309

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Technical Writing: Student Samples and Teacher Responses

Sometimes I’ve marked things because I know the student will need to know them for a future task. This is the case with aligning Roman numerals, which the student will need to do when he writes his undergraduate thesis as a senior. Students turn reports in to me marked only with their student ID number rather than their name, so that I can grade them anonymously. Because the number is also the student’s social security number, he removed it when he consented to this assignment’s appearance in this book. He opted not to substitute his name.

311

Dorothy Winsor, GMI Engineering & Management Institute

ELGIN ELECTRONICS, INC. MAINTENANCE PROCEDURES FOR ELGIN 734 LASER PRINTER This section describes the step-by-step maintenance procedures for the Elgin 734 laser printer. These procedures are divided into five easy-to-follow categories: I. BASIC INFORMATION It's customary to line up II. ADDING PAPER Roman numerals on right III. ADDING TONER (by period), rather than on left. IV. CLEARING PAPER JAMS V. REMOVING COPIES Important information relevant to a procedure is marked throughout this text with an asterisk (*) and should be read before following the next procedure. I.

BASIC INFORMATION

1. The PAUSE button must be pressed before any maintenance procedures are to be performed. can 2. The front panel door must be unlocked with the supplied key to gain access to maintenance areas within the printer. 3. The printer will not operate with the front panel door open. II. At any time,

ADDING PAPER

can be

* The ELGIN 734 comes standard with eight removable different trays of which three are inserted into three different input drawers. These drawers are inserted into the printer should be inside the right end of the printer. The remaining five trays are stored elsewhere (not within the printer). * Any type of paper may be used at any time in the printer. However, the right type of paper must be put into the right tray before operation. All trays are color coded to simplify this process. Check the User’s Guide for a(give listing page #) pause of all various paper sizesthe and their corresponding input trays. 1.

Press PAUSE.

* Wait until light stops flashing.

2.

Unlock the front panel door.

3.

Pull out the desired input drawer.

4.

Pull out the tray from the imput drawer.

A

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Technical Writing: Student Samples and Teacher Responses

5. Put the proper type of paper into the tray. * There is maximum of five hundred sheets that can be inserted into the tray. 6.

Insert the tray back into the imput drawer.

7.

Insert the imput drawer back into the printer.

8.

Push the front panel door closed.

9.

Press RUN to resume normal operation.

* For pre-printed letterhead paper, the printed side must be placed face down in the tray with the top of the paper pointed toward the back of the tray. * For double-sided printing, the paper must be turned with the printed side up and top pointed toward the front of the tray. III.

ADDING TONER

* WARNING: Use only ELGIN 1830 TONER or serious damage can occur to printer. Wait for irreversible the PAUSE light to stop flashing. * WARNING: Toner causes damage to clothing, desks, etc.... Care should be taken to avoid spillage during filling. 1.

Press PAUSE.

2.

Unlock the front panel door.

3. Push the lever in front labelled “TONER RELEASE” to the right. 4. Pull out the toner drum located behind the release lever. 5.

Remove the top off of the toner drum.

6.

Add toner.

7.

Secure the top back on to the toner drum.

8.

Push the toner drum back behind the release lever.

9. Slide the release lever back to the left (normal position). * If lever will not resume normal position, push the toner Move the heading drum as far back as possible. to the next page.

Dorothy Winsor, GMI Engineering & Management Institute

10.

Close the front panel door.

11.

Press RUN to resume normal operation. IV.

CLEARING PAPER JAMS

* If a paper jam occurs, the console screen located on top of the printer will flash “PAPER JAM AT...” and give the location.

Commas & periods go inside quotes.

1.

Press PAUSE.

2.

Unlock the front door panel.

3.

Look in the location specified.

4. Clear all paper from jammed area. 1 I think you also have to remove * If jammed at the paper trays, pull athe tray out of the printer drum. imput drawer, remove the jammed paper, tray the 2 You and may insert want tothe repeat back into the drawer. warning about the toner * If jammed at the printing drum, press the lever in front stains. labelled “TONER RELEASE”, remove the toner (see ADDING TONER), remove the jammed paper, and insert the toner drum back into its original position. 5.

Close the front panel door

6.

Press RUN to resume normal operation. V.

REMOVING COPIES

* After copies are produced, they are sorted into one of six bins located on the left side of the printer. The bins can be designated for each type by following the instructions in the User’s Guide. sp 1.

Press PAUSE.

2.

Open the bin door.

3.

Take copies out of the bins.

* If confidential copies are desired, a lockbox with a seperate locked tray is provided for one of the bins. Two keys are needed: one to get the lockbox out of the bin and one to unlock the lockbox. To use the confidential option: 1.

Press PAUSE.

2.

Unlock the lockbox from the bin.

3.

Pull the lockbox out of the bin.

313

314

Technical Writing: Student Samples and Teacher Responses

4.

Unlock the lockbox.

5.

Take the desired copies out of lockbox.

6.

PressRUN PAUSE.

7. Slide lockbox back into bin until the lockbox clicks back into place. * The lockbox must be unlocked and Nice job emptied before it is to be put back into place in the bin. 8.

Press run to resume normal operation.

Dorothy Winsor, GMI Engineering & Management Institute

Proposal Description of Assignment Directions for this assignment were given orally and supplemented by instructions to read the chapter on proposals in Paul Anderson’s Technical Writing: A Reader-Centered Approach (San Diego: Harcourt Brace Jovanovich, 1987). The assignment called for seniors to write a proposal to their co-op sponsor requesting that they be allowed to write their undergraduate thesis on a topic of their choice. All GMI students co-op, and the normal degree program takes five years to complete. In the fifth year, students spend nine months at their sponsoring company, working on a major project that GMI and the company have agreed on. The student then writes the project up as the final requirement for graduation. The choice of topic is important to the student both because it dominates his or her life in the last year of college and because it often determines the area the student will be hired to work in after graduation. At most sponsoring companies, students can request a thesis topic, but the sponsor has to be convinced of the topic’s value in order to approve it. Many students writing this assignment planned to use the document they produced. In order to facilitate my reading of the proposal, I asked students to attach a cover memo explaining anything I would need to know to understand the document.

Explanation of Commentary Sometimes I think the most valuable part of this assignment is the cover memo. In order to write it, the student must make judgements on what I can be expected to know and what must be explained. It is thus a good exercise in audience analysis that I am in a position to evaluate well. Eric judges (correctly) that I will know what ergonomics is and that I will not need to be reminded that the Anderson text calls for a section giving a possible solution. On the other hand, he knows I will need to be told about information specific to his employer, such as his relationship to the reader of his proposal or the name of the die casting process his employer uses. He varies the textbook model when he thinks it appropriate, but explains the reason to me so I won’t think he was just careless. All this is good work. The opening of Eric’s report now seems very clear to me, but I left my original reaction on it because if I had to read the opening more than once for it

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to be clear, then someone else might have to also. I think the report should be as clear as possible the first time through. The content and organization of Eric’s proposal are strong, but he’s made a number of small language errors that hurt his grade. The Anderson text notes that reports asking for something (like a proposal) need to be more highly polished than informative reports. The conclusion section of Eric’s report is a slightly altered version of the conclusion used in the sample proposal in the Anderson text. In general, I don’t like such direct cribbing, but this version reads pretty well and seems to be appropriate.

Dorothy Winsor, GMI Engineering & Management Institute

GMI-EMI Interschool Memorandum TO: FROM: DATE: RE:

Dr. Dorothy Winsor Eric Gonzales October 20, 1989 Terminology in Project Proposal.

The following are some terms or names you should be familiar with while reading my report: • LEOMACS - A vertical die casting process. I did not explain each of the letters because I could not remember what they stood for. Also, It is usually not explained in the reports at work. It is used as a name. • Kevin Brown - He is our Divisional Materials Engineer. However, he oversees the project coordinator involved with LEOMACS. • Synchronous Manufacturing - It has been defined in my division as the elimination of waste. It mainly involves the process of getting a part out the door in the least amount of time. • PPMP - This is the Product Program Management Process which is a guide to bringing new products or processes into production. It currently does not include synchronous manufacturing objectives. • Capacity vs. a “Just-In-Time” system - The capacity oriented system judges its effectiveness in terms of man-hours required to produce a part and volume producing capability. “Just-In-Time” systems measure effectiveness in lead time (the time it takes to convert raw materials into a product and ship it to the customer). • An optimized work cell is a work area designed so that a worker can operate effectively and efficiently. Ergonomics and methods analysis are typically used to optimize human and machine resources within the cell. • Methods Analysis - The process of breaking down an operator’s movements into specific acts so they may be improved. I did not feel that the possible solution section was applicable to my proposal. I am primarily concerned with Helpful information, implementing synchronous manufacturing in a different phase thewait lastuntil two the process is of development. especially Right now we developed before sentences. we make it synchronous.

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1 PROJECT PROPOSAL

TO:

Kevin Brown

FROM:

Eric Gonzales

DATE:

October 20, 1989

SUBJECT:

Fifth year thesis proposal to implement synchronous manufacturing on the LEOMACS die casting process

The link between the first & second sentence As a fifth year thesis project, I request permission here is to implement synchronous manufacturing on the LEOMACS die not clear casting process. The project would generate the criteria needed to make smooth transition from new process developto me, ment to production. although it may Current Synchronous Activities be to Brown The present Product Program Management Process (as I read this (PPMP) does not include synchronous manufacturing criteria for new processes. Making processes operate effectively through the second and efficiently has always been Advanced Manufacturing time, I could see Engineering’s responsibility. used the Synchronous activities, in general, take place connection after a process has been implemented. An often sought better.

approach is to have consultants develop material handling systems around new equipment instead of developing the two together. Problems with the Present Approach The fact that synchronous activities are not included in the PPMP leads to the following problems: sp •

Changes in product features to accomodate production equipment. • Specialized material handling systems that add to overhead costs. This includes a commitment to material handling systems that could have been avoided. • Additional floor space required to accomodate buffer zones used for scrap or line balancing. • Development of capacity oriented systems that limit “Just-In-Time” delivery techniques and capabilities. A lack of synchronous commitment up front creates a domino effect that is very difficult to correct. For example, an increased buffer zone requires more floor space which means

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Dorothy Winsor, GMI Engineering & Management Institute

2 Good explanation of problems with current system

S-V

higher taxes, higher heating bills, more lights, more maintenace for the lights, more trucking to and from the buffer zone, more batteries and maintenance for the trucks, etc. More importantly, unforeseen problems resulting in product feature changes has created dissatisfied customers. Objectives of the Proposal The project I am proposing will focus on the following areas: • • of • • • • •

Inventory Reduction. Quick die changes for small, flexible batches products. Flow simplification through line balancing activities. Optimization of human and machine resources. Uniform equipment loads. A preventative defect system. A preventative maintenance system.

Details of the Project Much of the work will consist of developing an optimized work cell layout that will facilitate high utilization of machine and human resources. A computer model will be developed to simulate machine operation. The computer model will include differences in processing rates, cycle times, downtimes, and die change rates that will be analyzed to determine the optimium operating characteristics. Individual workstations will be developed utilizing ergonomics and methods analysis. Therefore, workers will be fully utilized with the least amount of physical and mental stress. A preventative maintenance team will be formulated to develop criteria that will keep the LEOMACS process running at expected uptimes. A statistically based sampling system of produced parts and operating parameters will be designed to facilitate a preventative scrap system. Resources Needed The following items will aid project completion. • Use of Modern Data Systems (MDS) personnel to aid in developing a simulation copmuter model.

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3 This item is a sentence and the other two are phrases – Make them • Jones Engineering will be contracted to draw parallel the final work cell layout. • Machine information including drawings, cycle times, expected scrap rates, and estimated product demand. Schedule Exhibit I shows the critical planning meeded to successfully complete the project on time. Qualifications I have conducted similar projects at school that were based on case studies. I have experience with classes in SIMAN, the simulation program MDS uses. I have had ergonomics, facilities planning and design, material handling systems, and advanced methods analysis. All of these will aid in implementing the project. Conclusion I am very enthusiastic about this project and would like to see LEOMACS be more successful than it already is. I hope you will let me utilize my services in this endeavor.

ACCEPTANCE OR 9/8/89 REJECTION FACULTY SET

OBJECTIVES

11/1/89

DUE-GMI ATTACK

2/1/90 MODEL DESIGN PROPOSED

SIMULATION VALIDATED MODEL

3/30/90

THESIS

SIMULATED

THESIS RETURNED 9/27/90 PRELIMINARY TO STUDENT

STUDY

8/15/90 SIMULATION RESULTS OF

OPTIONAL

12/1/90 DUE AT THESIS COPIES PLANFINAL OFFICE

DUE-GMI

FINAL THESIS

11/8/90

8/26/90 PRELIMINARY DUE-GMI THESIS

FACULTY CONFERENCE ADVISOR WITH 8/9/90

PRODUCTION RUNS 7/20/90

7/25/90 SECOND PROGRESS REPORT DUE-GMI

7/20/90 DESIGN CHANGES EXPERIMENTAL

6/22/90 APRIL-JUNE ATTENDING SCHOOL

CONFERENCE WITH FACULTY ADVISOR 4/15/90

3/30/90 MODEL VERIFIED SIMULATION

SIMULATION COMPLETE MODEL

3/1/90

2/3/90 REPORT FIRSTDUE-GMI PROGRESS

2/1/90 DATA COLLECTION

12/15/89 AND D.O. ADVISOR INITIAL MEETING WITH FACULTY

11/3/89 STUDENT PLAN OF

10/20/89 FORMULATION PROBLEM

10/9/89 WITH FACULTY SUPERVISOR CONFERENCE

ASSIGNMENT PROPOSED DUE-GMI THESIS

1/89

1/7/90 START DATE OFFICIAL

Dorothy Winsor, GMI Engineering & Management Institute

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Exhibit I

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Technical Writing: Student Samples and Teacher Responses

Analytical Report Description of Assignment GMI students all spend six months of each year working full-time as coop employees. This assignment, the first one in a senior course, called for students to analyze the speaking and writing they had done at work. I told them that I was their audience and that I wanted information about what really went on at work to use for teaching and research. I asked them to discuss the writing and speaking they did, how they learned to do it, and their evaluations of how well they performed. They were limited to three pages.

Explanation of Commentary This is a nicely done analytical report. Chris’s handling of it reflects some of the things we had been talking about in class, and I tried to reward him for that. We had discussed purpose statements, for instance, as described in Mathes and Stevenson’s Designing Technical Reports (Indianapolis: BobbsMerrill, 1976), and we had covered direct organization. Chris manages both of those techniques well. He also includes good specifics on what happened at his work place. Some of his classmates wound up giving good general advice about writing, which was inappropriate given that I was the audience. (As I prepared my contributions for this book, I realized how often I evaluate the work of one student based on the pitfalls other students have fallen into.) I don’t teach grammar in the senior class, so I find it’s often useful to explain grammatical errors in the margins of student papers. My students are usually educable enough that they don’t make the mistake again. For this example, the student has changed the name of the company.

Dorothy Winsor, GMI Engineering & Management Institute

TO:

Dorothy Winsor

FROM:

C. Brua

DATE:

October 14, 1988

SUBJECT:

weak heading not Written & Oral Communication II; Assignment- #1 informative

Purpose Engineering co-op students are often expected to relate information in the form of written and oral reports. Instructing these students in the proper procedure for giving such reports is therefore quite important. However, proper instruction cannot be given without first learning what type of writing and speaking experience the students have. good Consequently, I was asked to give an account of the types of purpose speaking and writing tasks I have done during my various work statement sections. The purpose of this report is to relate my writing and speaking experiences at work.

Summary Working at Acme Products Inc., I have not been required good to give formal oral presentations, but have had to relay direct information orally through informal meetings. I have had to org. write informal documents such as memos and work requests, that have a limited audience, but are used quite often. My formal writing experience includes test reports and product descriptions. These documents have a specific format that is used, and often have a large audience. I was not given much training in informal writing, but I was aided when it came to formal writing. I spend about half of my time performing writing tasks of some kind, and whether it is formal or informal, all writing should be informative and easily understood by anyone (regardless of their background).

Discussion Background I work for ACME Products Incorporated in the Product Development Center (PDC) in Detroit, Michigan. ACME is an automotive supplier, dealing mainly with electronic control modules. The PDC is composed mainly of engineers and technicians who do all of the product development and prototype testing/fabrication for the company. The facility employs about 30 engineers, 10 technicians, and 5 managers.

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Oral Presentations During the three years that I’ve worked at ACME, I have never been required to give a formal oral presentation. I have, however, headed several informal meetings. These meetings usually dealt with minor subjects such as: testing procedures, initial designs, and project status updates. They were always very informal, which took some of the nervousness out of speaking in front of a group of people. I believe the relatively small size of the place in which I work has a lot to do with the informality I’ve encountered. Everyone feels like we’re a large family, and that comes across in the way we work with each other. Needless to say, if I am ever called upon to give a formal presentation, I will have no experience to draw on and am likely to be ill-prepared.

good Written Reports prediction Any formal communication at the PDC is almost always in writing. I have had experience in many different types of wrirting including: memos, work requests, test reports, and product descriptions. Whenever I need information from someone, I write them a memo requesting whatever it is that I require. These memos are quite formal in their style, but are rarely seen by anyone other than the person I’m writing the memo to. I found it odd that a document of such limited scope would have such a formal appearance. I was never given any advice on how to write a memo, so I began by looking at memos that other employees had written, and based my own memos on them. Once I got used to it, memo writing became very easy to do, and I used them quite often as a basic form of communication among the other employees. Work requests are another basic form of written communication that is used quite often where I work. Any task that is required of the technicians (such as testing, or prototype fabrication) must be conveyed in writing via a work request. The reason for this is so that the technicians have a step-by-step procedure to follow in performing their task. This alleviates any confusion that might be caused by requesting a task by word of mouth. I was not given any help in this type of writing either, but again, by looking at requests that others had written, I was able to convey tasks to the technicians without any difficulty. Test reports are a formal presentation of the results of some type of testing that has been done. I was required to write a test report for every test that I requested from the technicians or that I performed myself. The audience for these reports was usually my

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Dorothy Winsor, GMI Engineering & Management Institute

CS =comma splice =two complete sentences joined by a comma

supervisor, although I was aware that it would probably be read by the other engineers and anyone else who was interested in the type of testing that the report was about. Again, I was not prepared for this type of writing. Because I submitted my reports to my supervisor, however, he was able to proofread them for me and give me advice as to how they should be written. The format for these reports was quite different from the academic reports that I had written up to this point. The reports had to convey the test results in a clear and concise manner that could be understood by anyone. I learned that not everyone has the time to read an entire report, thus the reports must be written so that the background (reason for performing the test) and results can be found easily and understood without having to read the body of the report. Product descriptions were the most formal writing that the I was required to do. They are documents that describe a ? product that ACME manufactures. The audience for these writings is ultimately a customer, so great care must be taken to be informative and easily understood. Because of the audience, I was given a manual that directed me as to the content of the document, style with which it was to be written, and contained several examples to use for reference. The product descriptions had to be approved by my supervisor, the head of engineering, and the head of sales, before they could be printed out and distributed. I was surprised that documents of such importance were given to me to write, but my supervisor convinced me that it was necessary for me to get used to this kind of writing since engineers are often required to relate information to potential customers when salesmen lack the technical background that is necessary.

General I estimate that I spend about half of my time doing writing of some kind. The time that I spend designing a circuit or testing a prototype Nice is almost always report. Goodequalled by the time I spend documenting the design or reporting the test specifics & good results. Good communication is a necessity at work. It allows organization. people of diverse backgrounds to work together to achieve a common goal. Research shows that right justifying a document tends to decrease its readability.

parallelism -my change still doesn't fix it because you can't be "directed ...as to" "several examples"