Surfing the Conscious Nets: A Graphic Novel

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Author: Timothy Leary

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Timothy Leary can be reached at http://leary.com The Last Gasp Catalog can be broused at http://www.woof.com/last_gasp.html

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LUindoui

ConsciousNet Barbara Fouch Roseboro can

am

tell

you.

NOT erroneously paranoid!

John Roseboro can

tell

you.

What

a reference! There are only three people

who know

more about baseball than John Roseboro.

Roy Campaneila, the Catcher.

'%

W

God, Center Fielder and Designated Hitter

The Blessed Mother Virgin Mary (never scored om)

If There really were wire taps on

my phone connected somehow

to the electrodes

penis (Willy, Prick, Dick) which rippled every time the phone rang while

on

me and my

my

lover

were. .."pretty busy," to coin a poetic phrase.

And

I

did not

(I)

Yes. Obviously

destroy the penile blood-flow meter.

my

sudden, unexpected convulsive erection-orgasm

(etc!) pulled out the

wires. Of course! No surprise!

And

yes, the ejaculated

body

fluid (sperm) did short-out the appliance. A cigarette that

bares a lipstick's traces.

So!

Is

not that shortout the fault of the incompetent designers of the equipment?

1.

A Peter Meter which

2.

They didn't give

3.

A fucking rubber

me

is

not sperm-proof!

rubber gloves, for example

condom could have had

that charge deleted from

my

criminal record.

So the logical question confronts us: did not these self-described government scientists at the Southern California Impotency anticipate

Oh!

me

I

Clinic,

what would happen when you

begged them, begged them

the Yohimbine erection

pills.

the self-appointed experts on male potency, electrically wire

up a penis?

to forget the Penile

Blood Meter and just give

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ConsciousNet

Which they barefaced deny even

So,

here

I

sit in

a

exists!

^

f

*

narrow hospital bed, caressing

*l i this

sexy Catlbll

NoTe Jet

III

986C

Bubble-Jet Lap-Top computer, wondering.

Yes,

wondering why four

of frozen

human

souls

floors

below me,

and cerebrospinal

this

man,

fluid (soul juice),

a so-called national Brain Shortage.

4

Dr.

i\i

-^

-

Sidney Cohen, with 40 freezers is

full

spreading alarmist rumors about

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LUindoui

ConsciousNet

FROM: RICHARD ALPERT TO:

HUCK GETTY MELLON VON SCHLEBRUGGE RECAP PLEASE

RICHARD ALPERT ALCOR BULLETIN BOARD. HUCK, PERHAPS YOU WOULD LIKE TO ORIENT NEW SUBSCRIBERS TO CONSCIOUS NET WHO ARE NOT MEMBERS OF THE ALCOR CRYONIC FOUNDATION. SO PLEASE START AT THE BEGINNING

FROM: HUCK GETTY MELLON VON SCHLEBRUGGE

SUBJ: THE BEGINNING

The beginning?

Okay.

My lonely hero

scientific quest for the

the rather routine existence of

adventures

I

I

had read about

in

my own

male afrodisiac started when

Inner-city,

concluded that the well-lived

company

included.

began comparing

Mo-Town family with the heroic

books.

life

would necessarily involve

adventures toward the fabled goal of saving present

I

my

quests.

Vou know, Holy

race Human, African, and otherwise,

^

Grail

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LUindoui u^^

ConsciousNet During these younger years,

I

[ij

dreamed of becoming:

a Black Warrior like Paul Robeson, a Black Freedom-Fighter like Kathleen Cleaver,

a Black Rapper like Grand Master Flash, a Black Actress like

Pam

Grier,

a Black Singer like Ru Paul,

a Pioneer like Jackie Robinson, or George Washington Carver,

or a Wise Sage like

Bill

Cosby,

or a Writer like Alice Walker, or like Booker

the

first

T.

Washington,

American person of color to have lunch

Then, during adolescence, a

new noble

in

the White House

challenge emerged.

S.E.X.

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LUindom

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H

ConsciousNet

FROM: HUCK GETTY MELLON VON SCHLEBRUGGE

SUBJ: BRAINS AND THE SOUL

I

this Dr.

seriously

wonder why am babbling about my i

way when

in

Sidney Cohen

or as

we now

call

is

sending out

them

How do know? I

Willy-Dickeroni

the very basement of this hospital, the infamous his siren

appeals for normal brains,

"souls."

Well, during lunch this afternoon

I

borrowed the

white-coat and stethoscope of the Ward Physician, took the Staff Elevator tory,

down

to Dr. Sidney Cohen's labora-

and introduced myself as

Dr.

Bob

Groves of the U.C.L.A. Neuro-Psychology

Department.

Amazing wh^a) a stetiioscope dangling

vlsil^ly

from a pocket can

These people are easily intimidated by a beautiful African American with Diana Ross eyes the job well too,

Anyway,

Dr.

spills his guts,

me.

I

in a

white coat! An Armani tailored

suit

does

have discovered.

Cohen proceeds

to confess everything to

me. Fuckin'

kidneys, bladder, glove compartment, and brains to

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ConsciousNet

No

shit.

Dr.

Cohen

brains

we

tells

me, "Our brain bank

in

is

pretty

good shape now, but there are certain

absolutely have to get our hands on."

Cohen, 64, as you well know,

is

the Founder and Chief of the Federal Neurological Reserve

Bank.

The Brain Bank, as

it is

familiarly called, infor-

mally receives about 150 brains (or as science calls

now

them, "souls") a year, and 75 percent of them

are obtained through the Bank's voluntary Gift of

Love Tissue Donor Program.

Now

if

you're not bored. ..stay tuned!

Listen.

The souls that Cohen and

Ron Segal, are

particularly

his

partner

in

crime,

Dr.

eager to get their white

rubber hands on are so-called "normal brains."

Why normal

brains? They serve as control

specimens for research on brain diseases. The souls

humans

of

of superior intelligence are also

much

prized!

I

just bet!

The bank ships out 3mm-thin soul tissue to is

about 100

slices of

human

scientists a year. "So great

the need," Cohen confided, "that last January,

Dr.

Edward

D. Bird

made an appeal

in

the

New

England Journal of Medicine asking fellow physicians to donate their brains

'mm

upon death."

wmmm 11

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LUindoui

ConsciousNet OK,

I

know

that you

new

Main-Liners linked into ConsciousNet are wondering about this

word "death."

Henson of the

Weil, Keith

ALCOR CRYONIC FOUNDATION (address) defines "death" as "An involuntary, irreversible,

metabolic coma."

Oy Veyi

It

about

to think

me

gives it.

heartache

involuntary

dying could be the most

important stupid mistake you

make

in

your

life.

And they want

to convince

you

that you have no choice!

Involuntary Irreversible Dying is

a fatal error! Andy Warhol

flipped

when explained I

this to

him.

There are as

many glamorous,

sexy, elegant, compassionate

ways

to die as there are to

live.

But do

it

with a friend.

The friends

who helped

enjoy

life

with you will help you

enjoy death too.

Sol

I

Thirty-Three Cheers for Dr. Jack Kervokian!

mmmmmmmmmmm 12

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ConsciousNet

He was formerly a big-shot professor at Yale, which

is

^ a

much more sexy

place than you

might have feared.

According to him, the term "Harvard Square"

More about

is

not the redundancy you

may have

thought.

this later.

Anyway. For a change, science. For a

change

I

I

ask you to

let us

approach

this "soul

business" as

WoMen

of

ask you to just pick up the American Heritage Dictionary of the English

Language, Vintage 1975, where Soul

is

found on page

"Soul": the animating and vital principle in

action, and|vTnotion, and conceived

man

1234.

credited with the faculties of thought,

as formltLg an immaterial entity distinguished

from but temporarily coexistent with the Body."

I

know.

I

ISi'

know, Dr Sarandon.

Are you wondering about this

male-macho "immaterial

entity" jazz? Well

At this point in time,

wonder

let us

on.

see what

Heritage has to say about the

Mr.

brain. Namely, "the portion of the

central nervous system in the cranium that

is

responsible for the

interpretation of sensory impulses, the

coordination and control of bodily activities,

and the exercise of emotion

and thou'ght."

It is

first

not for

me

to explain or complain.

I

ask you to note the weirdo, white-

bread engineering terms "responsible," "control,"

and "exercise."

Second, just ask yourself

Where In

is

this question.

this "soul" located? In the heart?

the pineal gland as Descartes cogitated?

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Ulindoui

ConsciousNet

XI

In

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the wallet, as

some have accused?

may be? On

the case

Bobby Rom Dos

Hmo I

your genitals, mouth, pussy, penis, or otherwise, as

the fucking bottom of your foot? Think about

tells

me, and

He says thft the soul

programs that

In

\M

is

I

believe

that consciousness

hir,

not the brain. The soul

hang around,

is

this

Is

it!

located

in

the brain.

"immaterial entity." The electronic

so to speak.

"^

around where? Around the brain?

thought

so.

"Soul brother"

m aiesex.

^

is

defined by the American Heritage dictionary as "a fellow negro of the

^/^^^^^^s^

"^

"Soul sister^u defined as "a fellow negro of the female sex. cgrooi

Enough

said.

Anyway,

I

am now

members

over 100

Belushi! Natalie

on the verge of proof that

Dr.

Sidney Cohen's "soul" collection includes

of the Hollywood film colony, including Cary Grant! Aldous Huxley! John

Wood! Tom

Mix!

James Dean! And, thanks

to Medical

Examiner Thomas

Noguchi, Marilyn Monroe!

Dr. Oz

So

Janiger denies any connection with this

"Grea^ram Robbery," and

I

believe

hir.

far.

Why

not?

Dr. Oz

Janiger D.C., President of the Albert Hoffman Foundation,

person people say he

is.

is

not as bad a

i^g-" ^"~

"*

So

far.

.

On the bright side of the ledger, John

escaped with their "souls" it,

Lilly,

intact. So far! Several of the lesser

had their pretty heads sliced and diced by

knows? Walt Disney?

Jack Nicholson, and Michelle

Dr.

known Gabor

Sidney Cohen's gang.

Janis Joplin? Jim Morrison? Just

who

exactly

still

Elvis

Phillips sisters,

have

rumor has

Presley?

Who

lives frozen in

blessed

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ConsciousNet

XI

hibernation

in

the ce-animatlon vaults of the Alcor-CryoCare Cryonics Foundation,

California, as Jimi Hendrix does?--

no thanks to Nick Rogue--all credit

in Riverside,

to Michael

Hollingshead. iff,;

Then Andy Warhol started phoning these days.

Sft

me

day and night,

he says. "\4^

f t-vnnic s is all

Andy

f.

l||ihks

about

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UJindom

ConsciousNet

^ If

suici d e

back home,

were painles s i

I

would probably do

would certainly throw

all

my

it.

Why

manuscripts

not in

...

I'm a literary failure.

the garbage. Trash.

ITransmission delayed.)

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If

I

were

File

Edit

Using this CANON NOTE JET bit.

To

many

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LiMndoui

986C docs not help a

people, laptops represent the

glamorous side of personal computing. With an internal

modem hooked

to the portable phone,

and ConsciousNet software, the device becomes an interpersonal computt

Granted.

They appear more 'high tech" than that Dig, ugly metal box that

sits

on your desk taking up

valuable real estate. And, no doubt about

it,

they

(and often the operator, namely yours truly) often attract attention

9*

2^

m

x

when used

m

in public.

^p X,

"s.

X

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J!^

.rfn

LUindoui ^"^

-'*^

ConsciousNet The nurses here, for example,

working on a book. What's

However, often

some

like

it

think they are cute by asking

all

me

about?" Just leave

(but not

all)

ol

me

"Oh!

I

hear you are

alone, Florence nightingale. Okay?

glamour, the routine reality of day and night laptop use

up to expectations.

fails to live

Anyway.

Once out of taught

ffi^^fofBfets, fhahks'fo

me about

P.O.S.H the

my

same time

I

scholarship to Lawrenceville Preparatory, they

get buggered for the

first

time

in

the small gym.

/ Then, after to Europe

my

marriage by Buffy du Pont,

and North

ended up with rooms of no prpblem.

I

am

my adoption by Aileen Getty, the endless trips my modeling career going full blast, and the first gold album, my own and wombs of my own, metaphorically so to speak. Sex was

Africa,

happily

I

meshed

into this

weirdo WASP productivity

circuit.

/ Prep School! Yay Bo!

Bachelor's degree! Yay Bo!

Graduate School Y.S.L.

,

in

English Litter! Yay Bo! Helmut Newton, Karl Lagerfeld, Vogue, Elle,

Concert tours. MTV. My erections reporting for

duty promptly on schedule just as Certain Professors tended to like

i

did to the classrooi

me, so

it

seems. ..except for the periods of unavoidable hospitalization, the lamentable flirtations with

dangerous drugs, wild, visionary episodes with some really beneficial neurotransmitters,

and the inevitable

anti-depressants and last-ditch tranquilizers.

Thalidomide

wear

In

is

really not a

a rubber. Think about

1980, meanwhile,

my

bad drug,

as long as

you

it.

lover

had

this father, a rea

big shit in the CIA. Talk about conspiracy theorists!

(About hir father

...

hir shrinks agree.) Actually,

SHe

figured out what the dude was really up to

down

pretending to be the U.S. Ambassador to

Salvador

El

there,

while supervising the torture of liberal poets. So he pot

W^

m^ 'X

HiiiMIPiiiliiii

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lilindoui

_^aL.

,^f%

ConsciousNet away

hir

in

a funny farm. People will do that, you know.

As far as writing for Mr. Yorker goes,

more

creative than any of the Idiots

magazine covers! But

It's

not that

"Real World," there

if

I

can't write about the

it's

that

I

Chic, or Puritan, like

I

it,

in

sent

Beverly

write for that fagazine.

The lunatic

been on ten fashion

I've

on the grass!

is

I

call

could probably get

I

just I

won't do that.

know who

I

the

in

die

I

won't write for Hustler, or Playboy, or

do anything to pay their rent of a Party

will

Thrills!

%. Thing. Massive poiy-reality. The Borgef of America.

they got their heads up their buts, ands,

it

10 times

myself by writing some piece of crap which would probably

some people

them the Reel

They sent

Me? I'm probably

Or Sarandon's idea.

narrow opinions and concensual delusions they

flatly refuse to.

to ever be associated with, but

Animal

who

was

don't write "realistically." Ha Ha!

I

really prostituted

I

it

back with a form

&.

If

they don't like

howevers.

letter.

So, for all these reasons

my

sexual

situation predictably withers. Gradually

become

this pretty

face with Diana Ross eyes

and moves better than frail,

I

Prince,

and

still

my

battered psyche faces, once again, night

after night, the thrills

and

spills

of the

intercontinental mating ground.

At this point shall

I

put

selective.

it?) I

i

find that

my

becomes very

sexuality elitist

(how

and

no longer feel that incessant,

throbbing teenage desire to fuck or be fucked by any or

all

consenting

warm

vicinity. A one-night bland

in

the

feelings toward the person,

depending on

my

my

state, the

emotional

bodies

lust or bust

is

ebb and flows of

manic-depression, the effects of any illegal or prescription medication, and heat. drift.

Tom

Cruiser I'm not,

if

my

period of

you catch

my

Seruice

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To find out Terry, a cute,

Terminal

more about these

matters,

Transfer

I

read

motor-mouthed, sexstarvcd,

shrink friend at the time in the University of

Montana's

Clinical

Psychology department. I'm

lying in

bed sulking while

around

in

male sexuality

is

erotiq response

is

tells

this

what

need

me

very

Ps:/ch-Biq-(!hcmical Situation. I

Know-itall paces

not an automatic mechanical

scene. Specifically, Terry

male

Dr.

the darkstarknude, exclaiming that

Oh

to hear at this point!

that the gymjBJex shit!

Just

More than

two-thirds of the male population over the age of 35 report less than perfect control over their Juices

and the blood supply

to the penis (and

the head) I

No

shit,

Sherlock.

We

just

Sob.

Mlpp^i

I

proved that point.

UJindo 111

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lilindo 111

ConsciousNet

{^

Anyway, Motor-Mouth Terry claims that males seem

to

have cycles and rhythms

S<

all

adult

certain

other mysterioso delicate sensitivities that are usually only attributed to the

HoLonqer Weaker Sex

.

ist!

Now virility

Terry says that most dudes

who

claim total

are either lying or too primitive and callous

to fucking appreciate the exquisite complications of erotic interaction in the fast-moving, ever-

changing, Post Industrial

OTJ|s|ee

TO:

what

I

civilization.

mean by Motor-Mouthed?

HUCK GETTY MELLON VON SCHLEBRUGGE

SUBJt MEDICATIONS?

DANI? WILL YOU GIVE US A PHARMACEUTICAL UPDATE? ARE YOU UNDER THE INFLUENCE Of AN ENER GIZER OR ANTI-DEPRESSANT MEDICATION AT THIS '-.

I

i

i

!

tftO,-.:

^

.

\

MOMENT?

I

i"

HUCK GETTY MELLON VON SCHLEBRUGGE

TO: ALL

L

I I

';^

\Vish"

J

5UBI MEDICATION

Thcljoint

is,

yoo have

f5 start ^^HrNltop

and work

dov>ii|i.

This

is all

background material leading up to this probTettfwIth the PcterMcter.

At

the moment, however, another gigantic plight complication dilemma

deep

f

^

is

the condition of

this lap

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top

am

I

abusing.

Terminal

It is

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LUindoiu

^ nm^^M^^-:^.

m:iM:

platitudinous to repeat this constant, nagging compulsion on

the part of ironware designers to load up their "machines" with hard drives weighted

down

with mechanical disk-heads and spin motors featuring those old Newtonian vices of Big ^^^ Power.

That'sWhy cool,

am

I

so

happy with

CANON NoteJet

this

any self-respecting Tagger can balance

boulevard

^1 Ind so I

on

hir

986C Bubble-Jet

Flip

Top. So^icfhf^nl

shoulder while strutting up the

higher education.

to

it

it

III

n

call

^B^

^

*

turns out that there

i$#reator. They

fi

it

is

no God except

The

in Art.

artist

makes

a world in

which SHc

"immaterial" land of digital fantasy, and now, for mcif^s Cyberia, the "ir

all trash.

\>V I've

spent the

last 10

years strutting for cameras and dancing for millions while writing

incomprehensible gibberish.

Meanwhile,

I

It's all

my

where they are

into 15 vertical coronal cross-sections,

I

smoking more Bud.

have not forgotten the "dieners" out there loose on the

victims to the "Brain" Bank,

Where am

fault for not

anyway? Oh

yes.

I

was

photographed, then quick-frozen with

eNplain|hl|tie

scandal at the Potency

Okay. Thanks to Motor-Mouth Terry there's this grim social

believed by psychologists back there

in

1980 that

sadism, and particularly racism plaguing society

much

was due

f am

lying there

naked

in

discomfortabie

embarrassment, clutching the rumpled (but not stained) sheet, listening to Terry say that

Good ScK means

cheerfully giving up control to receive pleasure. The less control, the better the sex. Take, for

control-freak like his FBI kicks

J.

politicians. Take, for uuiti

i\

example, a closeted

Edgar Hoover. A WASP prude getting

from collecting sexual dossiers on

o j)^tje ever

rival

example, Richard Nixon, a whttg

accused o f having tender, ero t [c

Clinic.

It

was generally

to sexual frustration.

,Tf rry

conclusion.

I

phenomenon.

liquid nitrogen.

of the conflict, aggression, paranoia,

Freud started this line of thought. Wilhelm Reich & M. M.

So,

streets, rushing

sliced with an electric roast-beef carving knife

**t

carried

it

to

its

Sigmund

logical, political

r

O^r

f^il^

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LUindom

.i^^^^

ConsciousNet feelings (except fpr

\M

Bebe Rebozo. perhaps)

Rap master Terry

raving fhat

ii

if

mHi

a safe,

dependable afrodisiac becomes

^'Wailable, xfiiany of the psychological and social problems facing our species,

ncluding racism ar>d homo-phobia, would be instantly improved.

So

we shower and

dr^ss

and ankle over

to the University of

Montana Medical School

and wtth the h^lp of two cute and very eager librarians, with much giggling and groping around, we scour the bibliographies and journal files for data about

Library, little

afrodisiacs ol, |s

some

call

'I

j

\

them, aphro^disiacs.

M^

APHRODISIACS

a

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UJindotu

ConsciousNet

(Transmission Interrupted.)

Canon NoteJet

1.

0.

ill

986C

Begin Commuification End Communication/Program

Answer Ring Count:

1

WAITING

FROM: DR. RICHARD ALPERT TO:

HUCK GETTY MELLON VON SCHLEBRUGGE

SUB J: STATUS

HELLO, HUCK. ARE VOU THERE?

-^ ^'A

FROM: HUCK GETTY MELLON VON SCHLEBRUGGE TO: ALL

SUB J: STATUS

Okay. Okay.

Please excuse. Medication time again.

\M

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lilindoui

ConsciousNet

I

never really was a Starship

may be

Tripper. Acid drug, and

it

finale of A

contribute to the

did

New Chemical

Philosophy, but

thang. As a

.

it

my

just isn't

Philosophic

Medication, mine Vibration

good

a

is

the Rastaman

My elegant, black, designer

genes you know. Now that these killer,

mutant, glaucoma genes have

entered the gene pool, there

will

be

countless people stumbling around legal trouble

The reason

it

I

took to get

m^

who

have been writing trash

Hold on a moment.

will

need

to rely

cannabis prescriptions

is

that

I

on weed, hopefully without the

filled.

.

haven't been smoking dope.

M (Three minute pause.)

Well,

it's

getting clearer to me. The

my

life

organized.

get

lifestyle.

am

I

can't count on

wish

my

first

I

it

order of business would seem to be to

living situation

Next comes getting a normal job

prime-time sitcom which

I

sure

my agent keeps my income.

in

some

is

an essentially schizophrenic

dull sector of

suggesting. My writing

show is

biz.

A

worthless so

to bring in

:imi.

could die. (Fourteen minute pause.)

Okay, the anti-depressant

Tre la

Now,

lai

let

Back at

me

last in

is

kicking

in,

thank Bob.

the Valley of Jollies.

go back and pick up the thread. Perhaps

I

am

flogging a straw herring

in

I

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LJJindoLU I

r-

r^i

ConsciousNet

[ii

FROM: HUCK GETTY MELLON VON SCHLEBRUGGE TO: ALL

SUBJ: SCANDAL

Casanova, meanwhile, attributes

his All-Star Hall of

Fame performances

to

raw eggs.

The strong, hard-up jutting horn of the rhino has caught the imagination of erectionseekers for centuries. Grind

it

up to powder, baby, and eat

rhino dust goes for s2,000 a pound. In

Hong Kong

horn powder on your dinner for a hefty addition to your

To be

it

or toot

it.

In

the Orient today,

restaurants, they sprinkle

strictly

some

rhino-

bill .

honest, the main thing this research at

the University of Montana Medical School Library

demonstrates siree!

is

that

I

am

not alone

in

my

quest. No

Throughout the ages, intelligent, affluent,

ambitious, and just plain horny

human

beings have

continually sought the Alchemical Grail the true afrodisiac.

So what does modern science have to contribute to this

noble search?

32

wmmmmmmm

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lUindoiu

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I

call

them slime monsters because they are

\M

so important in our lives. Now,

have you been walking down the street & seen blood & mucus

in

how

often

the High School

auditorium? Now, how often have you been walking down the street

seen a

slime monster passing out religious literature?

I

thought

so.

Not to forget that in

the basement of

this very building,

inside each

one of

the forty frosty freezers, the coronal slices of brain (souli

tissue arc stackt'cJ ijke

mi nute s fpd;

each one

own

in its

st-

,

very

air-tight bag.

Or.

Sidney

Cohen's shameless impudence

is

beyond

belief!

He makes no bones about

obtaining brains from the bank's Gift of

Love program because

this usually

ensures that the

donor's medical record will be available for study, as opposed to say,

the brain of a street person

medical history

is

whose

not always readily

obtainable."

"The only catch," says Cohen, that the

"is

bank must be notified

immediately of the donor's death to obtain the brain, ideally within three

^^^^^ifB

_^f^j

***

^I^^L^^^^^I^^^^

it.

"We prefer

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LUindoui

ConsciousNet clam up

tongue-tied

like

oystersl

My next cunning move was to

manage

to encounter, just by

accident, this endocrinologist

named

Doctor Fred,

who

innocently thought he was picking

me

up

gay bar

in this

while drinking one night. i

asked him

how

some "horny

could

pill,"

aphrodisiacs

is

score

Wink wink.

Doctor Fred explains

"Listen, Huck.

I

When

it

to

me.

The subject of

taboo,

if

any

medical scientist or physiologist, here or in Russia,

were

to apply for a grant to

research this field, hir reputation would be ruined.

Or they'd be considered a flake, or a

pWvert

" .

"Oooh,

how

thrilling,"

I

gush, batting

my

eyes innocently. "A flaky perverted Doctor!

Sounds

like just

what the patient ordered.

"^^

Wink wink.

Doctor Fred,

now

security, giggled

lured into a false sense of

on cue.

'Byjhnrilously. Doctor Fred," says

I,

putting

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LDindoui

ConsciousNet my hand

on

his

knee, "this sounds like a great research topic. The

an effective afrodisiac

"...the Pullover Prize.

first scientist

who

discovers

be a savior of WoMankind and make a bundle of money."

will

Maybe even the Noble

"No question about it,"

said Doctor Fred,

dreamily moving

knee from side

his

to side

downing

his

scotch

and soda. "We

ail

know

after

that

If

a crack

team

of

psycho-pharmacologists

were

to research this

topic, they could

come

up with a dependable aphrodisiac will

in

a year.

It

happen. Someday

someone

will

win the

Nobel Prize and billion dollars

one. This

is

make

a

marketing

only 1999.

T his oid wif ch

Pope John

Paul and that withered

crone Mother Theresa are

denouncing sexual choice. There's an all-out

War on Drugs & Hedonism S erotic pleasure. There's

an over population problem

in

the Third World. Culture

Isn't

ready for~a medicine thlFwouid

have the male population running around with erect dicks bulging out of their pants, not to mention Herpes and AIDS and the Moral Majority complications. Come back in 20 years, Huck,

and maybe we'll have an erection soulful look. "Let's So! There

it

make

wtfs in cold black

No doubt about

it!

injection. In the

do! do! do! with

There

is

meantime..." He paused, sending

me

this

what we got!"

and white.

a social taboo against the idea of a

pill

that can give Mr.

1*

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ConsclousNet Average Joe Male Man, black, white, or polka-dot,

a

certain control over

calrtt,

his precious, erratic-erotic

^^

equipment.

By the way,

maybe

It

Dr. Alpert,

would help

if

I

sent you the cover letter

I

sent to the Thsj Uanuiuful ii[ju]r^r

Lashinti

with

my

article

and Crashing

in

the

Flying Purple People Eater

.

Dear Mr. Editor, Here is our History&-Herstory Short S^Dry. If you like them, there are plenty more where they came from. PS. I recilly am chaotically schizoid, as reported in the May 1999 Monde

^

2000+ magazine.

fiia Uiin-jturtJl Eiifiuifiir

sent

it

back with a note from the Executive Editor Queen Mu

Dominatrix which said:

Dear Mr. Getty du Pont: all laughed our heads off reading your scanty, brief tale, but it does ai^l^B i^f. fit our needs at the present tj*'"'

v'Je

not

^

Signed: Mr. Unnatural

I

would caution anyone against distributing

Vijjjj/y Fiur'

(who owns

ur '/wju-i or

any form unless you can get

somebody with big bucks to print it. If ABCDisney Communications what you are doing, they are going to fry your

Last Gasp Comics) ever finds out

sweet, tender thighs for

So the only plan

major lawsuit,

it is,

New York and back change

Hir-Story in

mouse

to interest

is

however, to

operation so

burgers.

I

West

some porno publisher who has the deep-pockets

totally hilarious,

L.A.

so

I

and one of these days I'm going

can change sex.

I

always wanted

to fight a

to drive to

to have a gender

could turn Into a lesbian.

'^

r^?"^--'-

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ConsciousNet

Oy vey!

I

haven't told you about

my

little

surveillance raid on the Brain Bank yesterday,

word of which apparently has reached you already. You

see!

and interdiction operations

arei

their diabolical surveillance

They track

I

my

every move!

How? Have they implanted

borrowed the white coat of

You see now how efficient

transmitters In

my

teeth?

name

a certain cute internist by the

of Susan, and

under the disguise of Bob Groves, Herald Examiner staff writer, interviewed

Dr.

Ronald Segal, Professor of Alcohol Studies (another scientist who misses what

is

referred to as the "Noguchi Connection").

Now, my Good Doctor, Connection." You think

I

I

can hear you wondering about the "Noguchi

am making

this

up?

You wonder

if

I

am

a bit stressed

out?

Listen to

what

Dr.

Segal told me. "He (Noguchi) was a good scientist and worked closely

with

me

to provide these

brains." This

from

a

is

No

Dr. Segal.

quote shit.

"Animal brains are unsatisfactory," Segal

groused.

"Unsatisfactory!"

whom?

shouted. "To

I

To

the animals?"

I

fear this

may sound

incredible to you, Doctor, but

"

What

Well,

around

I

{$

it's

incredibility

we want anyway.

an alcoholic animal ?" asked

for

one would

my home

in

like to

Dr.

introduce

Havre, Montana,

Dr.

Good

Incredible precision.

Ron Segal. "There's no such thing!"

Segal to the flocks of intoxicated bears

who hang around

in

&

the granaries waiting for rotting.

O

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lUindoui

m^9

J^'^ ConsciousNet call

him. "Hands" ) and a well-known Hcrr Doktor

psychiatrist

who

looks like Boris Becker! Need

I

say more!

The show amazes me. White people straight-out fucking on-stage!

Swedish youth

I

(as Albino as

bounds around the standing

First

am most

set with his

he boffs

this fiery

Fifi

Boofeis

And then a

who wraps

name

couch holding up

head

left

and then

to the right. There

was

first to

a lot of North-

South action likewise.

For 20 minutes this acrobatic

young white

gentleman pranced around, brandishing his equipment with total self-mastery in front of an audience of 200! We are talking Olympic boio

f^iedal

fucking time

"That guy's stamina hosts.

know,

is

"That

makes nothing" some drug."

He's taken

mp

miF

^

impressive,"

that scornful, jaded,

Owens

!

The fashion editor looks at in

Mr. J esse

said to

I

me and

Hamburg

says he.

"It's

my German

sneers, you

\

style.

not the real thing.

I

forget,

who

name

writhes on a

smooth arms and

whimpering with

he apparently delighted a saucy bloht

against the wall with hir round backsides wiggling

the

cries of pleasure.

hir Ivory-white

legs ditto, invitingly,

hir

hir slim legs

sultry brunette lady. Hir first

Babette. Hir last

being Greta. SHe bends over, saucily leaning

enormous mainsail

redheaded lady named

around him, emitting loud

his third,

Andy Warhol) who

mast.

full

Mademoiselle

And then, for

impressed by a big

desire.

idy, hir Christian

name

O

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Ulindoui

m-^ ConsciousNet the art-fiited sitting

standing

in

Favorita,

one of the so-called

room

in

the

Villa

loveliest in the

world, looking out over Lake Hamburg. For those

who need an

meanwhile,

'He,

namely yours

introduction,

is

idiy trying to pull

jockey-shorts while telling

me

fortune had originally been steel in

down my

that the Thyssen

made

in iron

Germany. "My mother irons and

father steals," he says in the lame

someone who

tells

the

truly.

and

my

manner

of

same joke over and over^

again.

So he ends up offering tired,

me

as "afrodisiac" this

opium-laced Turkish hashish and no

thanks, Herr Hans to the needle. But, you

know

me. I'm always open to change.

All

was forgiven, you know, when "Hands" Thyssen,

boots up

his

computer &

starts

showing me some

An electronic glove, for example, your

fingers to pick

(or "Thighs-on" as

I

now

call

cybertricks.

nI

like

him)

a joy-stick. You point at the computer snd

move

up and move images on the screen.

So he puts on the screen this Polaroid shot by the famous lensman, Helmut Newtonf

grandson of Isaac, of says he,

was

Miss

bullfighter, Lewis

get

this.

the glove on

it

wife Tita with this enormous diamond hanging from

Domengeen, who

Then he snaps a

Now

his

hir

neck who,

Barcelona and later Miss Marbella, picked by a jury that Included the great

digital Polaroid of

My pix

and

is

this

is

the latest and greatest baron.

me, which quickly pops up on the screen.

on screen standing next to

makes

his wife's

his wife.

He holds out

hand move on the screen. He

takes the diamond off hir cleavage and hands

it

to

me

lifts

his

hir

hand with

hand and

on the screen, you know.

<^

"This

is

diamond

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UJindoui

the Star of Peas Pendant," say he, "169 carrots. This the biggest, flawless

in

the world."

Meanwhile

other hand

hir

on

is

crotch on the screen, needless to say. While his hands

my

are groping me.

Then he puts a glove on hny ha take the jewel from

hand

his wife's

Mhm

The non-aphrodisiac narcotic, by the way,

beginning to

me

lick

is

while he

is

pulling on these leather pants

with wires so that

opens

when he

then

his thighs,

on the screen opens

wife

his

hir legs

and takes my hand and rubs on

hir crotch

it

well you get the

picture.

The baron (you see

why

I

call

him "Hands")

is

on the screen

digitally sexually

molest

having

my image on

computer

his

wife

the

screen.

"Cybcr-sexl" he shouts.

"Fuck anyone

am amused

in

space time."

I

& mildly aroused

except that the opium, as usual,

when eaten and

smoked, makes

much

for

me

not

sick.

German-made

So electro-aphrodisiacs.

IMP .ppimii

'

Vi

I

K

48

iniii

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lilindoui

ConsciousNet

your tidy law-and-order thinking caps. You wonder

chaos-brew

in this

how managed I

to illegally score

some

locked-ward? Good question!

Well you see, there's this Hispanic porter here by the

name

Jaime which

of

pronounced

is

the Jewish

like

persuasion, Heimie, which Brother Jesse Jackson learned to his dismay. So

waved

a s20

"Compadre,

summoned Jaime

I

front of

bill in I

to

him and

my

bedside and

said, in

Spanish,

entreat you. During your lunch brake, por

favor, purchase

me

jumped away

though

as

a big, big bottle of ccrveza." Jaime

had offered him the business

I

end of a rattlesnake, indignant.

So then

I

waved

a hundred

in

him and

front of

"Medicinal Comprende! Illustrious cousin, beer

medicinal For

my

gain-weight

said,

my

is

uno grande

diet. Just

bottle, por favor."

I

The

can plainly see him wavering, glancing over killer instinct

know. his

I

flourished

hand, which

I

his shoulder.

Then

I

went

for the jugular.

you learn in the ghettos of Detroit, Gstaad, Mlarbella, & Vale University, you

two hundred

dollar bills so

he could plainly see & quickly stuffed them

in

closed.

"Ca marchez, vitement maintenanti"

i

said firmly in Spanish.

He comes back right on prompt after lunch, the big bottle of intoxicating chaos-brew

wrapped shaking

in his L.A.

his

Dodgers jacket.

I

slide the bottle

head. "Hey, man," he says. "Vou sure

under

make

my

sheet.

Jaime looks

hard. Cocaine's

it

much

at

me,

easier to

bring In."

The beer was a mista1<ef chaotics

were

it

Frankfy,'

i

would

reallV

go back

to the ole

ganga-man voodoo

not for being diagnosed as a hebephrenic-manic. The ole brain cells do not

take kindly to cannibis

when

you're a hebephrenic-manic. Currently,

I

am more

of a

giggling hebephrenic than a manic one, and more drunk than either.

Speaking of which, Engineering people

call

I

have come

"God"

is

to believe that

what these Mechanical

a mechanical, nearly-decomposable rust-system. The Isaac

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LUindoui

ConsciousNet Newton "God"

is

\M

a massive, strong-force. Not

one grain of

teleology.

Over the short term, the

weak

force

Ignored. But over the long-term, a

Is

weak

meaningless & can be force

force In the mechanical world. Metal fatigue, as call

it

the strongest

is

I

call

it.

They

entropy. Like gravity. Can you believe a culture based on

entropy and rust?

For example,

I

Little

do they know! Entropy marches on!

used to see the

Spirit

of Gravity

when was I

practicing the

the least.

ganga-man chaotics religion. Confusing to say Then my voodoo sisters showed me the Spirit of

Gravity ^ the cos mic Spider-Web with long, coiling, jellyfish

tentacles which reach out of the Earth

higher entities, namely yours the rust-world and give

Okay,

I

know,

agent who

Or. Alpert,

truly,

&

try to

to ensnare

drag us down into

blowjobs.

that you consider

can investigate the Haitian Zombie

are bored with K^\

me

web vagina

me

the only

Cults,

and you

ranting about nuclear theology and chaos

my

Lri

engineering. The four basic structures of matter: the spiral, the tuni lattice,

and the spider web.

Okay.Tknow.

more

I

chorus. This

(Engineer) Newton

ifPSWiEsryiij WmxViwiwiwtvm

know. But Imen is

Is

one

to

important! Isaac

an

idiot savant.

He

law-and-order rote-memory mechanic, Dustin

Hoffman

in

is

a

like

r-^

"Rainman."

So, this really cute MIT physicist

who owns

this

Caribbean island by the

tuned

me

digitized

me down, turned me activated my chaos brain,

in,

me, body and

soul, for

and nights, and then told

memory

order-freaks.

me

iim

W^'M

name

of Bet Fredkin, flew

iJ

9''mr '

on,

W'!f&':VlA^^

m

li).

1(1.1255211

two daze

that 19th century physics

was

a production of autistic rote-

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^

LUindoiu

ConsciousNet

the factory-empire

is tliis

you ever ask yourself

in

about? Be street smart.

diaries Darwin, yapping incessantly about "natural selection." Did

the quiet, Art,

"Mr. Darwinian Fittest" that

Who?

Well,

it

just

neig hbor iiood

still

of the night

and ask the Bar Tender

gonna

is

happens

Darwinian male-man,

^

to

in

this "survival of

this question;

who

is

the fittest" was this

heavy dude

the British empire?

be the Macho Dude who makes the most babies. So

s|_gjj|J^jit

v<.

slKJ

sticking,,, stict

survive

what

t

(S

Mi

tion stinger

and run around the

Mr. "

>^^to every docile egg female you can knock down, squirt sperm into, and knock up! Quantity,

I

mani Clone

yourself.

Assembly Line Sperm Spray. More of you! Breed your seed. Your selfish

l^>

genes.

I

If

Newton were

alive today he'd

confined to a mental hospital like Dustin Hoffman. Isaac

Newton was

the fanatic defender of having no

sense of humor!

Ditto for Darwin.

So

now you understand why

cosmology that works

light David

quantum interactions? Could never some god-given ass in some fast-track, speed-of-

at the level of street smarts or

get you room and board

or a squeeze of

Bowie bar-room

for at least a night or

such childlike personalities could never supply you with a

two

in

the real fast-feedback world that every body wants to be

in hir life?

in

Revival of the Fittest-Fastest. Liars and hypocrites

excepted. Don't answer back to me. Speak to Bet Fredkin in the MIT Physics department.

Ike

Newton was a dismal

lover. Slow. Heavy. Predictable. Mechanical. Score

the tender interactive communication department. That's

why

this

the "Isaac Newton Wheelchair" at Cambridge, England.

Hey, these guvs

Laws! Like

some

all

talk

FBI

about "laws!" to show where their head's

supreme court judges!

him zero

Steven Hawkings

at.

in

sits in

be

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Ulindoiu

ConsciousNet Long

legs! Trim little ass.

Saucy, perky

Nosey Body,

Artificial Life

i

tits!

Blonde pubic hairs poking out, "Hello-Mello-Fello!"

You're thinkingTiow des he

eyed her fondly, as she

swam

Conference where SHe again

theories on "Hemes, Memetics,

in

know about

hir private parts?" Well, Mr.

the pool at the hotel

oa^ea

in Los

Alamos during the

the assembled high-tekkies with

and the Memetic Code"

to the extent that

hotel bar, regrettably and very drunkenly described the

I

whole conference

,

while

hi

in

the

as "The Blonde

leading the Blind and the Bland." Mementic mori.

Oh boy! Low

It's

is

when word

me!

like this leaks out in the scientific

bad rep from big-shot publishers ii^'Jii:nii-i,

boy. They

like Nicky

or Stewart Brand of the jJuJs

made me pay

community that

I

get this Oscar Wilde

Schwartzbrugge (aka Negroponte) of

Euf'sii xJ^rvJss vv

(who

I

vy]rgd

once called Stewart Bland). Oh

for that, rest insured!

These scientists are nothing else but a flock of jibbering old bureaucratic queens

<0>

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LJJIndoiii

ConsciousNet

[Qj

squabbling about their big Computer-IBM-Media-Robotics-Artificiai-VR Laboratory funding grants from the Pentagon Offense Department!

uts

marching out of MIT

t Of course this

is

the opinion of

^HU^1.

TO:

me and

not the sponsors.

SUSAN SARANDON

HUCK GETTY MELLON DU PONT

SUBJ: YOUR OBSESSIONS

WE ARE CONCERNED ABOUT YOUR INCARCERATION IN THIS MENTAL HOSPITAL. WE HAVE MANAGED TO GET THE POTENCY CLINIC TO DROP CHARGES, AND APPARENTLY YOU HAVE STOPPED HARASSING THE BRAIN BANK WITH YOUR IMPERSONATIONS OF REPORTERS AND YOUR IMPERSONHUCK,

ATION OF MICHAEL JACKSON! PtfASE!

BOB GROVES OF THE HERALD EXAMINER HAS AGREED NOT TO PRESS A FORMAL COMPLAINT ABOUT YOUR IMPERSONATING HIM-TO PRESERVE HIS OWN REPUTATION! WE THINK YOU SHOULD DROP YOUR OBSESSIONS ABOUT THE BRAIN BANK, AND PLEASE STAY AWAY FROM THEIR PREMISES.

FROM: HUCK GETTY MELLON DU PONT TO:

SUSAN SARANDON

SUBJ: RE: YOUR OBSESSIONS

No problem, gang.

As

we

say

in Parisian

street-rap language, ''Pas problem,

mon

ami!'

1

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1

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ConsciousNet

"Well,"

warm,

I

say, "A

Puny

\M

jf ^

soft, moist, wise,

embracing, pulsing organ, designed to give girl)

hir lover

(guy or

the ultimate ecstatic

pleasure."

"Oh yes, oh yes," she gasped

in

pleasure. "Yes. Yes.

Yes."

Well,

one thing leads

to

another

and we get carried away.

Later, she continues to idly tell

me

about her job.

spinal cord, weigh them, bag them, place them

of beer, and

sew the body back up

in

in

It

seems she can remove

a soul

and

a Styrofoam cooler the size of a six-pack

20 to 30 minutes, depending mainly upon the obesity

of the patient.

Bobby,

who

earns s200 per brain harvest, says that she has never

Sidney Cohen or

Dr.

met

Thomas

morticianj Noguchi or

animal) Segal, but

Or. (soul-slicer)

Or.

still

(celebrity-

Ron (drunken-

believes the

work

is

important.

me tenderly, and how about the

Then she looks at whispers, "Oh yes, cunt?"

"Oh, a cunt individual

is

the wily-wise, sophisticated

who owns

one,"

I

reply with

fjlif

wicked laugh.

And then

we

fall

to stroking

and poking

and wiggling and giggling and then Bobby asks

me

if

I

know

the difference between a

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UMndoLii

ConsciousNet

RICHARD ALPERT

f %,

^^^

HUCK GETTY MELLON VON SCHLEBRUGGE STATUS REPORT?

^^UCK, LET ME REPEAT, WE ARE VERY CONCERNED ABOUT YOUR PRESENT STATUS. WE NEED YOU FOR SEVERAL IMPORTANT MISSIONS. CAN YOU GET YOUR ACT TOGETHER AND GO ON THE ROAD SOON?

FROM: RUCK GETFY MELLON VON SCHLEBRUGGE

SUBJ: RE: STATUS REPORT?

Weil, as

you can plainly see,

servant, ROM-HUC,

am

my

Digital Me,

your loyal

jacked-back-in to your pleasant

little

sector of Cyberia. Courtesy of this incredible CANON NOTE-JET III

986C

And

.

\

i

that's a plus.

True, for the still

H

moment,

held against

Hospital.

Rest insured.

my

in this

Hard World

will in this Disease

my bones

are

Warehouse called a

<^

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LUindoui

ConsciousNet

I

in

the Virtual Cyber Realities of the Reel World, I've

been dallying

in

many

other zones of Cyberspace, wildly,

with a Psybernetic/Cyberdelic pack of very hush-hush

German hackers who

pull off wild,

cyber-punk capers

like

penetrating the Americaj|;Military Computer Net and NATO Cyberias.

FROM: HUCK GETTV MELLON VON SCHLEBRUGGE TO: ALL

SUBJ: RE: STATUS REPORT?

6

You may have read about how these German hackers got busted for rustling secrets for

the former KGB. They admitted doing

Hked my cyberpunk

it

partly for the

money

friends about this curious accusation

but mostly for the drugs.

and they

turns out that everyone in the European Aspionage Fraternity

cocaine.

and use

Then

It

it

I

turns out that the heirs to the

Actually

some

pretty funky quarks there. These young,

Realities,

aka

me

I

naive and

and apparently cute

enjoy digitizing really wild-kinko

was surprised by these horny young

I

priests?

agree!

^R^; fmk

rnmn

3

in

It

the world

Computer Net

Virtual Theologies.

You wonder why

Call

who

right."

it?

jack-in to the Vatican City

completely amusing clerical perverts

"damn

knows about the Russian

KGB make the purest and best toot

widely to bribe agents. Figures, doesn't

wander down south and

said,

I

priests,

Artificial

<(^

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LUindow

ConsciousNet

Weil,

TO:

HOWARD

FROM:

TIMOTHY LtARY

SUBJECT:

CYBERPUNK KIDS?

Howard, here you

HALLiS

finally betray

your musliy innocent

one. The text calls for cool, black-leather

German Cyberpunks

little

boy

side.

If

infiltrating the

there

CIA,

betraying their country for KGB cocaine. And you give us two squeaky-clean Sunday school kids, TL

beaming with

virtue.

Can

we punk them up

-

TIMOTHY LEARY

HOWARD RE:

HALLIS

CYBERPUNK KIDS?

a bit? Or a lot?

is

*

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LUindoui

ConsciousNet I

\M

never realized that the producers and main

stock-holders of the Catholic God Franchise that

has been running the west-world for fifteen

hundred years or more are

A 1000 years

ago these

all ItaliansI

Italians ran the West-

World-Wide Virtual Reality Show, from Istanbul in

the East, through the Balkans, Southern

Europe, Northern Europe, and the British Islands.

These Vatican wizards designed and

operated the World-Wide Virtual Realities that

60 million people inhabited, and they did

it

with Italian multi-media effects. Ciminos MicheiangelosI De NirosI Raphaels! Scorseses Piero della Francescasi Bertaluccis! Botticellis! FellinisI

Leonardo da

VincisI

Coppolas!

Oi

Caprios!

They

built

these enormous dark, towering, immersive cathedrals with heaven-high ceilings

and other worldy expanses. These giant empty spaces have no practical designed to produce

in

the beholder this

awesome

Palace of God. Yeah! Stained glass. The Rose

sense of being

window

in

use.

They are

another world. The

of Chartres' bigger than a barn, retinal

design. The Eye of YGod flooding the cathedral with shimmering colors. Candles reflecting off Gold. .Diamonds. ..Gold Chalices. ..Jewels reflecting Lord. ..Thy

Priests,

Kingdom Come. .Thine

is

from Tiara-Crowns. ..House of the

the Power and the Glory.

Monseigneurs, Bishops, Arch-Bishops, Cardinals, Popes. Saints with gleaming-neon

halos, unearthly bone-rattling sounds,

booming.

Bells pealing.

The Arch Angels. Organ tones

reverberating. Gregorians chanting. Incense. Tiny bells tinkling. The College of Cardinals. Peter's Cathedral in

de

St.

Rome. The walls seething with paintings by the great masters. Dominico

Pizza. Sistine Stallone, Giotto.

And the Pope, Numero Uno.

This

there on his high balcony looking

mafia Oon dressed

down

at

500,000

in

elegant drag, standing

faithfuls,

way up

standing reverently on their

knees.

These churches and cathedrals entertained and programmed minds during the Middle

<^

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LUindoui

ConsciousNet the

way

TV designs the realities that

And who could argue with grandiose universe? Top

it?

Stars,

we

docile peasants inhabit today.

who

Hey,

could resist the appeal of the sponsors of this

the Brightest Stars of the milennium:

*"*^iiii%

VIRGIN MOTHER

The Bleeding Heart of JESUS!

ST.

JOSEPH!

The Patron Saint of Safe Sex. The spermless fuc POPE JOHN PAUL

II

THE HOLV FATHER

And how about that crazed crone, the shriveled virgin MOTHER THERESA.

Here

is

a

female adult who

which demonizes birth control,

women who

is

the global voice for this misogynist doctrine

are pro-choice and thoughtful about pregnancy,

and abortion. How can

this

ancient hag

who

has never had sex,

let

alone

children, claim to be a "Mother"?

And how about -^^p-i

^1

this

obvious fact every Catholic

)>riest

who

takes a

vow

of

virginity and never has intercourse gets called

FATHER

M^
And the

^

virgins

who

take the

vow

of chastity and poverty are

SISTERS

And the lower-level male-monks are BROTHERS

The Vatican Library, meanwhile, possesses the biggest pornography collection in

the world.

r

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LUindoui

ConsciousNet

Eat your heart out, Hustler Larry Flynt,

1

and Playboy Hugh Hefner, Penthouser Bob Guccione,

and Judge Dredd Clarence Thomas. Porn throughout the ages confiscated by the Inquisition-censors and filed Data Banks. ..And

now

a

in

the Vatican

new

generation of young Jesuit hackers are digitizing and editing these steaming

graphixl And they are

telecommuting

hot stuff

this

around the cyber-netsi

mean you can't believe how these Italian Holy Fathers I

who have taken vows poverty, chastity,

of

and

masturbation, get off on

heavy-breathing digital erotics, scanning and editing these

^ooks

#

in

the Vatican Library.

These young robed Italianos are beyond X-ratings into V and

that

never... in

I

But

it's

my

lustiest

Z,

splashing stuff on

my

screen

porn-dreams...

okay because they consider computer-sex

just

"impure thoughts" which they

consider a minor misdemeanor offense, a Venial Sin. Like phone sex. What would

you expect from heavy-breathing Italians?

According to these playful Jesuits of the cyber-realities

we

in

the Vatican, Plato's "ideas" were a pre-tech metaphor

put on our screens, of which the tech-mech material world

imperfect simuiacrums. Plato as Cyber-punk. That would amuse me.

what

it

..if

I

is

knew

meant.

Simuiacrums? Sounds kinky to me...

Meanwhile, these Berlin cyberpunks zap me, flying Ukranian hush-hush defense data banks, as idea-traffic

among

I

in

formation into the NATO and the

explained before. Vou see there's

this continual

the European and Russian military hackers who, since there are no

O

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ConsciousNet excluded, disappear from public view?

They should have

this

September

1999

.

Fair

J^

weather-type announcer come

on television every night and say 1,

[a]

"It's

and warmer. When

midnight, the last

is

WANTED

time you heard from your Nation's Greatest Author,

Thomas Pynchon?"

^m^*"

FOR DESERTION Speaking of whom, there

have

faithful

cyberpunk

out

allies

Thomas Pynchon's residence. So

just located

soon as

my

& CHILD SUPPORT

Cyberland, just south of the Oregon border,

in

I

graduate from

as

funny-farm and take care

this

of Andy Warhol's cryonic paper work, guess what!

heading west

like Dr. Livingstone to track

elusive novelist.

'Mr.

Pynchon,

I

down

I'll

be

the

presum2

Yeah boi

#

It is

crucially important that

we

acquaint Thomas

Pynchon with the Hibernation/Reanimation (HibRan) Option.

fi

the most advanced brains (souls) in history and

expected

to

sit

WANDA

one of

Here's this guy Pynchon, owner-operator of

we

TINASKV

are

around on our hands and knees, letting

worms devour the universe

of data stored under

Wanda

IF FOUND: iONTACT THE TRISTERO

Tinasky's bridge?

Speaking of the sex and drug habits of wild animals this

LAST SEEN: GRAVITY'S RAINBOW BAR

,

hacker named Bobby Newmark out of

Denver, Colorado,

came

online to expose yet another kinko pnnF brflh^ pdrt ofpr^Wer-crazed

engineering doctors, scalpel-crazed veterinarians

perform vasectomies on the parts of the

female beavers.

city's

in this case,

who have

male beavers, and tubal

volunteered to

ligations

on the

city's

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^

RICHARD ALPERT

HUCK GETTY MELLON VON SCHLEBRUGGE

HUCK, WITH ALL DUE RESPECT TO YOUR IMAGINATION, THE ALCOR FOUNDATION MUST REGRETFULLY PASS ON YOUR CURRENT CRUSADE TO PROTECT MALE AND FEMALE BEAVERS FROM... CLITERECTOMIES

AND VASECTOMIES.

FROM: HUCK GETTY MELLON VON SCHLEBRUGGE

SUB): re: -none-

Not so fast. Trust me. This fiendish plan

is

part of an experimental

program run by the

Colorado State Wildlife Commission to save Denver's trees.

and night, ha, na,

As a dutiful student of Michael Foucault's semiotic school, ISoTfTday

i

call

your attention to the really ominous term "Wildlife Commission."

Vay boi Foucault told

me one drunken

night in Paris,

if

memory

serves me, that "The words

we

emit

('Les paroles

nous

emittons') arc like skywriting." He

waves

his

tipsy, limp wrist towards

the sky over the Bois du

Boulogne. "Our words lay

down

garish, flamboyant,

shockingly visible comettrails

of our mental

gaseous emissions." He said in

rough translation.

Okay, Alpert. "

Dr.

Richard

Take

this

term

Commissioner of

Wildlife," par

Now here

is

example.

an office

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Lilindom

ConsciousNet job

I

might consider taking for the

Commissioner of Wild

first

time

in

my

life.

Huck Getty Mellon von Schlebrugge,

Life!

According to James Fitzgerald, Zoology ProfessorW the unlvei'sify Of Northern Colorado, a healthy adult beaver can gobble up to 30 frees a year. He seriously believes the vasectomies

and tube-tying control

'4

it

pills.

is

more humane

M

seems that beavers on the

(I

love that

;^^-

pill

word humane!) than putting them on Jfc^

^HH

jrf

birth

^w\

don't act like beavers. They don't defend territories. They

don't chase other beavers, they don't even practice sex.

<0>

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LUindom

ConsciousNet

HUCK GETTY MELLON VON SCHLEBRUGGE ALLEGATIONS

SORRY TO REHASH OLD PROBLEMS, HUCK BUT YOUR RELEASE FROM THE MENTAL HOSPITAL IS COMPLICATED BY THIS ALLEGATION THAT YOU SEXUALLY MOLESTED A FEMALE GRADUATE STUDENT NURSE. CAN OUR LAWYERS HELP YOU ON THAT ONE?

FROM: HUCK GETTY MELLON VON SCHLEBRUGGE TO: ALL

SUBJ. RE: ALLEGATIONS

LaVk^i'ers^ as_vni) ..vs-U Uno-..^'.

I

!

.rics[)i-i'-;

suspect that your criminalized lawyers have

sniffed out

my

mal-treatmcnt by several well-

endowed medical

institutions,

namely by the

infamous Southern California Sexual Dysfunction Clinic electrocuted

denied

me

who cold-bloodedly

my Johnson

with faulty wiring and

necessary medication (yohimbine),

not to mention the UCLA Brain Bank

shamelessly hopes

to slice

my

who

"soul" with

O

F>l6

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UJindouj

ConsciousNet Ward of Mentally Disturbed Psychoticians that has been sexually molesting my

scalpels, or this

body and soul

(brain).

Talk about sexual malpractice!

We

could sue for millions of doffars (wRIc^^vould, of

course, sign over to the Cryo-Care Foundation for freezing needy reanimation patients) were it

not for

my

hatred of malpractice lawyers

who

your-ass victim society in which everyone

everyone who can conceivably be blamed

them from fucking

their life up, that

and

who

are busy creating the ultimate paranoid sue-

fucks up has a full-time lawyer

who

sues

for not forcibly preventing

failing to

check their

hell-

bent desire to self-destruct at every stage. This English teacher in the 4th grade, Miss Sex-Boat Delia Cioppa,

who gave me

a D- in English thus causing

rejection slips each

me

to receive dozens of

and every month from magazines

in a cycle

of

literary rejection that continues to this very day.

We're talking about one million dollars

in royalties

and film

rights a

year. Cashi For ten years! Ten million dollars liability for this Miss Delia

Cioppa, plus emotional injury. 1

'

RICHARD ALPERT

HUCh GETTV MELLON VON SCHLEBRUGGE ALLEGATIONS

HUCK, WE WERE DISCUSSING THE EPISODE STUDENT NURSE, MS. AMY LOU BOSCOVICH.

IN

WHICH VOU ALLEGEDLY SEXUALLY HARASSED A

FROM: HUCK GETTV MELLON VON SCHLEBRUGGE TO: ALL

SUBJ: RE: ALLEGATIONS

Well! Pardon

me!

Please forgive rare" to cool

my

me

while

I

insert

my head

in

the clinic micro-wave oven turned to

brain-boil.

And, furthermore,

we

iiiiiiiiiipiini

don't need your 3ur FuclanyicgallTlffTb that we arc, i'nBccd, ii fucking legal sTlffnfo confirm fKat'vve^rc,

dealing with a blatant case of sexual harassment. Namely of me! Perpetrated by this blonde, horny call

a BITCH.

"medium

sexbomb. Amy Lou Boscovich, whom my

little,

Juicy, Brain Slicer Pal, Bobby,

would

m%

O

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Ulindom

Transfer

ConsciousNet First this

tries to

me

about

my

catch on to hir game. SHe wants

me

get

*'"^'

horny Psvchological Intern cunningly to blab, blab, blab

traumatic childhood.

So.

I

talk dirty, spicy, lurid,

warm,

to

juicy.

About what?

About

my

ed

being a sexu

kid. Details

please.

I Okay, okay.

I I

understand your compulsion to

implant false memories

in

my

battered

mind. By

now you know me

and-through. About

my

well enough, Doctors Alpert insane, insecure reflex to

tell

Sarandon. Vou

c

know me through-

anyone, anything they really want to

know.

Ill W mean I

REALLY, MS. NOSEY BOtiV

you want to Ear

So,

PI

ALL!

In

t|||i

the Hear'

Drum? So

I

Duane.

start telling hir

who Loved

about

my

imaginary brother

mean and

Jesus and was

sexual!

f IK

abusive to me.

How he

my

inserted various religious articles in

mouth. And elsewhere. To say the

least.

Long, sharp-cornered Ivory Crucifixi

if Don't talk to

me

Jesus.

Rosary Beadsf

about the Bleeding "Part" o i

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lilindoui

ConsciQusNet

Golden, pure Golden candelabras, moistened by dripping wax!

Anyway, embracing

Next

I

managed

I

squeeze a teardrop or two

to

in sincere,

compassionate,

all-

self-pity.

about

jive hir

my

fantasy sister Ginger.

Ijfl

^ Miltl

Oh dear

because SHe loved

me

who

an imaginary psych-major,

Sister Ginger,

practiced psychotherapy on

me

so intensely.

Senorita Bossanovich

|s

feverishly writing

down, meanwhile, on the clipboard, you

all this

1

understand.

As illustration

telfnlr

I

aoouf this time when Ginger was sixteen and

bed, depressed one evening and SHe

came

in to kiss

me

I

was twelve sulking

good-night and tuck

me

in as

in

SHe

liked to do.

me

And how SHe told

my

that SHe loved me. And SHe starts raising

face and rubbing and patting

my

my

self-esteem by kissing

body. Works like magic, just as Sigmund Fraud

explained. Soft patting, tender rubbing, and tender

murmurs almost always

raises one's self

esteem.

Well naturally, as SHe gets

begins to

stir in self

"Oh my, what's swollen. Ooes

it

down

there between

my

thisi"

my

Happy

gi

sister

Ginger gasps

in surprise.

and

to dispel

my

my

dear

"Poor baby, are you

all

right? So

I

love you, Huck. Ooooo,

look up at

To say the leai ,s,.

Amy

I

reaches

In

and shyly

little

thing.

Oooooh, how

love you, Hucky-Pucky."

Lou Boscovich,

'Hri^i'

sister

fishes out

my

anxiety and depression, starts stroking him

tenderly while purring and sighing. "Ooooh. Sweet

I

Mr.

hurt?"

painfully swollen love toy,

At this point

guess what? Poor sad

esteem.

Then, pretending to be medically curious,

Don't be afraid.

legs,

who

is

paying close attention.

soft

and sweet.

O

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UJindouj

ConsciousNet this

By

time

Amy Lou

is

in

some

state of tiypnotic bliss, hir eyes glued to the bulge in

pajamas and SHe actually resembles some horny

from

hir

^

flut,

my

a normal happy, playful slut, drooling

open mouth.

So, naturally, as a friendly

palm down

human

being,

I

gently

slip

the pen out of hir hand and

move

hir

to get acquainted

murmur something about how badly need some and

I

I

hands-on emotional guidance

me

to help

my

get over

depression.

But as soon as hir hand

touches me,

Amy Lou jumps

up

scaring

in fright,

badly,

I

me

must admit. And SHe

blurts out,

"Oh no,

Mr. Getty

Mellon von Schiebrugge, can't do that, sir."

I'm dazed,

:

amazed, anj

me

frankly SHe has put

state of high anxiety.

into a

Some

psychological nurse!

"Why

not,"

i

say. 'ini, "Oh, .

Lou, please! Please!

Amy

My

abused, battered self-esteem needs your therapeutic massage and help so much.

SHe shoots

me

a scared look

and mumbles something about how SHe must act

like a

"professional."

Well,

you can imagine

"Professionall"

I

If

reaction.

scream. "Professional!"

anxiety. "No problem,

psychotherapy.

my

Amy

Lou! Forget

i

explain, trying to be calm and control

human

friendship and affection. Forget

you're a professional, then, no problem!.

It's

me and

you,

\i

Amy

my i||i|

tout

Jiiit

ii

I

OP <^

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Transfer

ConsciousNet name your And then

price. Visa! Master Card! Diners Club!

I

unveil

my

So SH e totally blow s

love boat and

It.

The scene.

SHe shouts hysterically Csnc^s frustrated lust until

I

wave

mean

in a'sta'Tc

hir

\M

The deal

is

done.'

head down.

t

.

oT sexual frenzy herself, you knowT,~icreaming

two ward attendants come rushing

in

and lug

me

off to the locked ward,

once again.

So, Dr.

CryoCare Foundation, you see why

I

could use

Funny Farm for malpractice and very "unprofessional"

V^klW^li

some

legal counsel in suing this

service..

in

O

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1

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IDindoui

ConsciousNet We

sat

Lo

and Be Whoied!

down and arranged our minds

It

for a

little

\M

get acquaintance.

turns out he's a Big Dude Tve been seeking to

meet

for

ten years or more. At least.

He

is

famous American Hindu Holy Man Bob

this

familiarly. Or

We

Rom-Poo

struck up an

Dos. Or

Bobby Dos,

as

came

I

to

know

him,

or Dassy-Poo, as the case turned out to be. (More on this later.)

immediate ^nnecTran

in

the chemistry department, as well as the

spiritual, psychological, & social sector,^

Rom and

Dos was well acquainted with

my

tutors at the Princeton Center for

New Haven, where Bobby

at Vale University,

0. first

came

to

fame

Advanced Subjects

as director of the

Psycho-Pharmaceutical Research Center.

As for myself, a diligent, amateur, unregistered hit-and-run

consciousness alteration of

am

all

graduate student of

manners, shapes, and forms, you can bet your

left

lobe that

ear to hear from the mouth of the Maestro, the so-called Pope (or guru) of

all

Psychedelia.

We

indulged

in

a^^t high-baud

Bob Dos,

This dude,

is

fascinating. He's

erotic playgrounds a time or two,

please.

Why

So what! it!

Bobby

iti

Ram

Anyway

Dl

I'm

ready to sign up for the

Be-Here-Now Cruise but Dr. B. R. D.

has already

recruited a devotee for this particular night,

namely

this

sloe-eyed

Egyptian individual

who

actually

been around the inter-continental, bicoastal,

charming

insecurities

l

not!

Jam

conversation

was

impersonating a waiter.

and bubbling

this

boyish need-to-

I

O

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UJindotu

ConsciousNet

So,

wc have

to settle for the "Be-Therc-Thcn" cruise.

'tf Bob and

me

exchange

soulfully

flying back to New Vork

Yeah. Well, let this

me

digits

am

at 11:00

pass for now.

psycho-cage. To get

me

out,

and agree

Dos did

to continue.

lets

it

slip

that he

is

the next day.

All

I

can do, at

you need

my

this

moment

of total defeat,

is

get out of

deposition about the afrodisiac brutality for

the lawyers.

know. Help!

I

jus^Dhoned down

to the nurse station for

some

anti-depressant.

HELP BLACK DEPRESSION!!

Hold on...

WILD

COLORS!!!!

FROM: HUCh GETTY MELLON VON SCHLEBROGGE

SUBJ: RE: STATOS REPORT? .hni^iiSi^^^mmk

R^ PROZAC! Okay!

So!

few

Back at

calls.

I

my

hotel

find out the

I

wire

my Canon

number

NOTE-JET Hi 986C into the

of the flight

Bobby Dos

is

phone system and make a

taking to

New Vork and arrange

to

O

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LUindoui

m

ConsciousNet Dos giggles, which he

have heard

wont

is

and

to do,

tells

me

Like Al Huxley (Doors of Deception)

tell.

Women), and Cary

Grant,

and

Colin Wilson,

stories

about these names of which

and Louisa

who wrote

famous Beatles song which Bobby Rom, pretty hashed by now,

through

stately pleasure

dum-dum dum-dum-dum down "

"Hey, man,"

say,

I

Alcott (Hashish Tales of Little

and Walter Scott (uncle of Ridley & Tony), and

Tania Coleridge, grand-daughter of Samuel Taylor Coleridge,

Xanadoo did Kubrick Cohen a

I

dome

to the

the

lyrics to

starts tipsily singing

that

about "In

decree, where Ralph the sacred river ran

dum-dum

see."

Cary Grant ? You're just splitting infinitives, man.

But Bob just giggles more and swears to Altered States Chaos Recreation colony in

Hollywood, raving around Hlndu-wis^j,

and come

to think of

it,

such incredible gossip it

to a

do

I

recall

%

some

but attributed

shit,

crude scandal from the National

Enquirer with

whom

mention or two,

I

have had a bad

to say the beast.

"So enlighten me, Oh Dos," say

I,

"How?"

"How what?" he "How do these

replies.

Brit clits

scramble America's mind,

propose to if

one

exists?

Hey! This Bob Dos Dude has got

answers.

I

MF

gotta give him thati

He says that these

Brits

went around'

giving these Altered States to the opinion-makers. You know, painters, musicians, professors, intellectuals, writers, socialites.

places like Yale

So they

manage

buys their line

They cunningly decided that

if

they can convert big-shots at

& Harvard to their weirdo Hindu style then the Rest

will follow.

to cleverly turn-on this hot-shot psychologist at Harvard

and becomes

their

mind

slave. This square professor,

mm

m

who immediately

whom we

shall discreetly

<3>

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IDindoui

ConscJQUsNet caii

The Coach for legal reasons plus caution advised by Bob Dos

suspect because of the

(I

heavily incriminating evidence that The Coach has on Dos.)

Well The Coach, aka The Boy Scout,

it

seems, takes one toke of

these Altered States. And,

wham-bam, goes

bananas!

Give a square Harvard professor one hit of high

down

in

life

and then you

try to

keep him

the class room? Good luck!

So The Coach runs around the Lively

League

telling

everyone about these

Altered States that can give instant illumination, scramble your brain,

the world like

some Magic

Bullet,

and cure ready or

not.

And everyone

lisfensf

No

academic white-men are I

along with a

bombs

scientific

or lying

w ^

bored that they

excuse for doing something new,

down on

like

listen to

shitf

T^se

so sober

and

anyone who comes

making poison gas

or nuclear

a couch to talk dirty or researching the effects of mind-fuck drugs.

Getting high for science? Hey, Jay, the line forms on the right.

Especially

when The Head Coach

starts

illumination which Bob Dos actually says usual.

claiming instant psychoanalysis and Instant mystic is

possible,

if

you know what you are doing, as

m.

W'^

So Bob Dos watches while this Yale Altered States Research project studies the reactions of

1,000 subjects to Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disordered States.

And

it's

all

legal

These sessions at Vale were designed for Chaos Engineering, Self-discoVery, Philosophic Shit. So the sessions happen

in

groups. Serious, middle class white

O

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lUindoiu

ConsciousNet

Dr.

Jefferson puts his finger

mind and access any

off your

circuit in

You

Butt, face the fas, Max.

cute

in his

mouth and murmurs, "Sure psychedeiics can

turn

your brain...

scientists are turnir^g

on the n|ost pov^erfui sexual organ

in

the universe! The brain!"

V

Then Bobby Dos describes how other sophisticated people come trooping up to Yale to get high for science, most of them of the

tri-

sexual gender with street smarts like Beatniks, and tip everyone off to the secret.

The philosopher, Gerald Heard.

The beatnik-gay poet, Albert Ginsberg. The Buddhist sage, Edgar Alan Watts. And the great Wizard of

William

All,

Burroughs

S.

none other than

who

has logged

more time

tripping around his battered

brain than

anyone since Marco

Now

Polo.

dig this totally cool^Hf*

Burroughs, sitting there listening to

in his

**

fedora hat,

The Coach and the

researchers babbling about "chaos

engineering," and "behavior change,"

and "transcendental their hip-heads

bliss,"

and shaking

and snarling about

ersatz-

love in faculty-club slop-buckets and

there are

many

how

hostile territories in the chaotic dimensions of the right brain.

So be wise and well-armed

when you leave the tame civilization of your little, middle-class made no bones about it. How is it that poets and

mind. The Western folk hero, Kneel Cassady, mystics and musicians and fun-lovers have

with

his

known about

24 hour-a-day hard on, shouting about

powerful afrodisiacs, for those smart

enough

to

how

fuck-pills for centuries? Cassady,

marijuana, hashi sh, and mushro oms are

know. Or care.

O

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ConsciousNet

TO:

HOWARD

FROM:

TIMOTHY LEARV FISHING POLES?

SUBJECT:

HOWARD,

I

THOUGHT HUCK

IS

HALLtS

TALKING ABOUT SEXUALLY LIBERATED PEOPLE RUNNING AROUND WITH

THEIR KNICKERS DOWN. AND YOU GIVE US

TWO OVERDRESSED HINDU GODS WITH

RE: FISHING

THIS

IS

POLES?

AN ILLUSTRATION REFERRING TO RAM DASS AS A REFORMED

SEXUALLY LIBERATED PEOPLE WITH NO PANTS!

IT'S

WELL, CAN'T THEY BE RABBIS FROM THE WAIST UP?

TIMOTHY LEARY, SIOBHAN CYR

LET'S LET

THE READERS SEX

IT

UP

IN

HALLIS

THEIR

OWN

HINJEW RABBI, NOT THE

KRISHNA AND SHIVA DRESSED LIKE RABBIS! GET

TIMOTHY LEARY, HOWARD HALLIS SIOBHAN CYR RE: FISHING POLES?

HOWARD

A FISHING POLE?

DIRTY MINDS.

IT?

<^

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UJindoui

ConsciousNet And then, as

this

great Pan American transatlantic airbird starts flapping

descent towards Long Island, and Danish,

I

we

sit

its

fatigued

there, strapped in seat-belts drinking coffee

and

pop Swami Bobby-Poo the basic plumbing question about the temperamental

column of blood.

Oh please

any

reality

tell

me, sweet gurui With your psychedelic drugs you can design your mind for

you could possibly want, but does

blood-supply to the U

Tell

it

guarantee

total voluntary control of the

Know What?

me, Bobby Romo Doso, did Buddha, Lao

Martin Luther, et al have

Tsu,

Rama

Krishna,

Mohammed,

Jesus Christ,

ejcontrx

;ock$?

Bobby Rom Dos goes limp on me! Granted, let's be fair, it's been a long night. An exhausting noche aloft, with jet-lag plus the energetic times Bobby RomPoo spent in the Well!

Men's Ware department with Bruce and especially that cute Claude.

But anyway, be that as they may,

Rom

Dos babbles this Reader Digest, Hindu Shit that

O

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O

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LUindoui

I ConsciousNet

XI

Ultra-Vioiet,

Sarah Woodruff, Babs Blum, from Toronto. After fucking under the influence for

many

where do you go but

hours,

in

the arms of Jesus? Of which

I

was 20 years too soon

to

know.

But that's a story for another dinner party, as Barbara Fouch Roseboro would elegantly

murmur.

There

is

no doubt, however, that weird head

knock a voyeur, after

all. All

happened

trips

round Andy of which he was guilty only of omission.

Who can

photographers are voyeurs

Helmut Newton for example,

is

the last one

in a glass

.

house to

throw bonesi

Anyway, Bobby Rom is planning a dinner with name of Vic (known to intimate friends

cute unit by the Vicki),

who

practices

(I

love that word) at the UCLA Neuropsychiatric Institute. And here

comes

"Hey Huck, can you get us a good table at a hot restaurant where they can

the old pitch:

ogle celebrities while eye-balling

each other?"

Harrison Ford, Michael Caine. Rock Hudson He

with

this as

Vicki

would

would be out

like to

see Liza Minelii, Cher,

at Malibu swilling margueritas

his live-in lover.)

Guess where they want to go? Chasen's, Spago, Morton's or the

new steamer

club in his

fantasy mind?

So, okay.

I

pick

and June Newton. under

In

in

Room

them up I

Chateau Marmont. They are

the parking

lot at

Morton's the

and Mario

come around while

I

point out

the planets and the easily apparent zodiac constellations. Next time you're at Morton's,

moment

smog

to look

in Suite 39,' right

above Helmut

could write another scientific treatise on afrodisiacs, before during &

39, but not now.

valet parkers, Jose Cacao

Gonzales

at the

permitting, take a

up and check the

southern sky. Planets outside and stars inside, as the old Jose joke goes.

<^

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LUindoui

d

ConsciousNet HOWARD

FROM: TO:

HALLIS

HUCK STERS

SUBJ: EXTRA ART

fss^m^s;^smmmm 1%-.

What

Hey, gang!

is

photo that you stuck

this

in

here?

FROM SIOBHAN

HOWARD

HALLIS

SUBJ: RE: EXTRA ART

Weil,

you see,

was an

it

act of despair.

hot rodding around Europe,

Bryan scanned

it

in.

We needed

a graphic for this page,

^^e looked to Robert Williams,

who never

and you were

lets us

down.

Lisa

&

O

File

O

File

File

The 11

am

Edit

clinic

to

is

Seruice

Transfer

Terminal

Lilindoiu

next door to the Cedars-Sinal Medical Center.

be precise.

agitated condition

I

is

am also

I

am

there at the crack of dawn:

mildly shaking with anticipation. And, to be completey honest,

due

to this rocket-launcher

my

which was medically indicated by

pill,

the fact of severe insomnia the night before.

There

is

ry old

men

in this

large waiting

sittip

room about eight

"

ja|f^"'p"'^

staring glumly at

,

carpet. TwiHflFFhese limp dick geezers arc on

crutches. A couple

of yohimbine,

were drooling.

my

in

desperate need

In

opinion. Not an erotic spectacle.

The plain-looking, no-nonsense nurse greets

me

impersonally through the window and asks to fill out some forms real business like. Not one flirtatious

I

bone

body

am an and am here

explain that

foundation

In hir

I

as far as

official

mm 101

could detect.

of the Alcor-Cryocare

to discuss research

yohimbine with the doctor.

^mmm

I

me

on

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ConsciousNet

LDindo 111 \sl

FROM: SIOBHAN

HOWARD

HALLIS

SUBJ: GEEZERS

Howard. of a

Wc

arc dealing with eight old limp dick geezers. And you give us a horror picture

menacing Dracula.

FROM:

HOWARD

HALLIS

HUCKSTERS SUBJ: EXTRA ART

OK,

I

HOPE THESE OLD GUVS DON'T KEEP VOU UP AT NIGHT

102

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liMndoLU

ConsciousNet

SHe nods business-like and repeats would

Which

I

I

please

fill

out the fornns.

do.

After a while, a

male technician, about

charm of a pot-bellied

hair-dresser, asks

40. reeking non-sexuality, with the graceful

me

to

come

to a

back room.

I

explain that

discuss yohimbine research with the doctor. He nods business-like and asks

me

I

want

to

to take some

tests.

r^mn'mnF^^wsmmmi^mf.

I At this point

I

sense a complete lack of cooperation and sensitivity and plain normal

horniness upon the part of these people erections. Figure

it

they are not taking satisfaction

out. iti

If

who

are allegedly

in

business to help people get

these bozos really do possess the key to sexual prowess

How come

they are not bounding around radiating euphoric

My street-smart double sense smells a scam here. Like Bobby

seek from

hir

who does

Dos told

me

so often.

not exhibit the quality-attitude-energy which you

wares.

03 i

Rom

^'^

%

and feeling everyone up with smiles and eyes, at the very least?

Never buy drugs from anyone

how come

0>

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UMndo HI

M

ConsciousNet I

have

this irresistible

but curiosity

my

impulse to take

the cat once again and

spills

compliant downcast

Winky

Dr.

in

hand and

split,

decide to play journalist plus a wounded victim

I

on the frontiers of medical science. No way

am

I

going to get these yohimbine

pills

without

the tests, scientifically speaking.

So

I

let

them

But then

stick

come

me

for b

the mad-scientist

nd

i

pee

stuff.

in

the bottle. So far so

fair.

The technicians patiently explains

like

I

am

this

child with dirty diaper that

we had

to find out

if

there

was a strong and steady flow of blood to

watch as

I

my Johnson.

their ole

unzip

my

I

queen eyes

knickers and

pull out Monsieur XXX.

They reached down and wired the

my

unit

,

my cock, and in my leg to

an

sound amplifier, and

we

base of

I

tip of

artery

back to

listen,

t

shit

the

a sat

you not!

Boomi Boom! Boom! My genital bloodstream filled

the room with

sounding <

il

like

its

lt-'

Driving Five

oyLa_jH_a_vy or wild

strong pulse,

atn.ho

down

irietal

Pi

iiitt,

d itd His

there b eailnq

rhythru setlion

voodoo orgy crew. Bang on

the rod, steward.

Even the technician nods

in

approval.

Next he has unit

t04

still

me jog

in place,

my

wired for sound. The noise

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<^

Terminal

LUindom

Transfer

ConsciousNet really

I

took

Boomi Boom! Boom!

off.

keep explaining that

hand

clear. Just

me

The technician

The doctor should keep

is

in

[il

is

the

I

had regular, although unpredictable erections. My attitude

pill, Phil.

Cut

me some

not gonna argue. "Tell

very cordial. He evades

mind how complicated

my

it

me

slack, Jack. Slide

a fix

Tom

is

Mix.

to the Doctor," says he.

questions about yohimbine. He explains

this field

how

i

example. The brain, the hormones,

was, for

the circulatory system, phobias, repressions, for more examples. Venereal diseases, alcohol

and drug abuse, fatigue, overwork, marital discord, early traumas,

and

fetishes, anxieties,

menopausal

life

stages

important part. To occurs to me,

I

I

ail

all

play an

of which,

must plead

it

guilty.

you, this know-lt-ail-loud

tell

mouth dude makes Motor Mouth Terry

seem tongue-tied.

At this point

me

it

begins to

dawn on

that this clinic, supposedly set

up

to deal with sexual arousal,

is

actually the most antiseptic,

mechanical, unerotic place ever!

can feel

my

carefully

I

hoarded

reservoir of sexual desire draining

Sheet!

If

I

didn't

have an erection problem before,

am

in certain

danger of catching one

here!

I

feel like the steamy, horny starlet,

who

in hir natural

ambition to get a part, happily

fucked and sucked everyone from Lowly Writer up to Director and Producer and the inevitable

Money Guy from Hong Kong and then ends up on location

village in a

Congo jungle. "Who,

"

SHe says to one and

^^mm 105

all

on the

in this

set,"

what

disease-ridden I

am

thinking

<

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<0>

LUindoiu

ConsciousNet

FROM: HUCK GETTY MELLON VON SCHLEBRUGGE TO: ALL

SUB J: FURTHER ADVENTURES

The male

(!)

nurse comes

lugging the petermeter, stored for travel

in

the old yohimbine-starved geezers

Ail

bounce by with the case

My

lover, Shelly,

is

full

of

in

room look

in

a large suitcase.

up, sneering sadly as

I

shame and embarrassment.

eagerly awaiting

carrying the suitcase like

the waiting

some Death

when tromp I

in

of the Salesman Willy

Loman, feeling sheepish.

SHe starts begging, needless to say, for the

Y-pill

on

hir.

When

I

SHe can't wait to

We

rush to the

try

hir

fucking mind. Needless to

it.

bedroom and

engineers propping

it

set to

work

like

hooked

and meters, meanwhile Shelly pulling

down, giggling and breathing electrodes to

my

mad

up on a chair by the side of the bed.

Adjusting velcro straps, plugging in wires clocks,

to lay

explain the petermeter SHe

becomes intrigued out of say,

me

my

to dials,

pants

heavily. SHe attaches the

Lighthouse for the Deaf, turns on the appliance and everything suddenly

<^

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LUindoiu

ConsciousNet becomes absolutely bizarro science-fiction kinky. Like some Larry Flynt porno-flic called " Cyber Sluts from Mars ." and exactly at that inopportune

moment

this

mad

wakes up from

entity,

his

known

as Dr.

Winky

slumber and springs to

life, in

other words there's this enormous erection!

Shelly applauds.

"Hurray for science!" says SHe. "This gadget

wonderful!

I

is

want one!"

Shelly's curly red

head meanwhile

is

now

bobbing up and down over the experimental zone like

some crazed

moaning and

parrot,

meanwhile SHe

slurping, "Oooh!

Vummm!

is

Oooh!"

"Hey, look out," I'm shouting. "You'll ruin the experiment."

The machine

Is

humming and

beeping, red dials flashing, beeping over Shelly's muffled

slurping. "Fabulous."

"Hey,"

I

can hardly

concentrate, needless to say, but

i

keep some cool and remember: "Hey! Everything we're doing

is

being recorded!"

Shelly pulls hir

head up

cheerful, perky dazed smile and

repeats,

"

Hurray for science !"

Well, then

Hey,

I

admit

we it.

i

get carried away. clean forgot the

peter-meter was meant

to record

blood flow while sleeping.

108

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UJindoui

ConsciousNet Fat chance.

So the machine short-circuits.

is

going crazy. Wires pulling off every which way. A cable apparently

The phone

tingle-shocks. Shelly,

which seems

starts ringing, too,

now

that

I

think about

it,

is

to

produce pulsating

electric

feeling the eiectrix too and begins

twitching, squirming in these convulsive spasms which in turn increases the Richter scale

quaking on the part of yours

truly.

Well,

you can read

We somehow knock

my mind from

here on.

the machine clear off the

chair onto the floor, causing this last gasp

charge, and the clock motor heaves this buzzing sigh and stops.

Ail

the meters were

flashing angry red flickers, motors whining.

Then

it

groaned and died

.

In-fucking-credible," says Shelly.

"Fabulous," says

I.

"Forget whips and chains," gasps Shelly. "Forget vibrators and electric dildos. They

should

sell

these

in

Needless to say

peter-meter and even

an electrician

call

who

and who takes one look

call,

Monday morning when

I

walk through the

and the old men look up

at

me

pity carrying the destroyed gadget, .

happened

to the technician.

stern look.

out the

bill

I

try to explain

offer to pay for

and

I

with feel

what had

very guilty

I

I

He gives it.

try

our best to repair the

who

is

pissed

enough about making

at the admittedly sordid situation

No professional code there, apparently.

office

we

turns out to be a born-again Christian fag-

basher type, you know, with not one grain of humor,

Sunday

the Pleasure Chest."

me

a

They figure

write a check for si750. No

109

and walks out on

a

us.

C>

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Serulce

Terminal

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Ulindo 111

ConsciousNet problem. Tax deductible for scientific research.

When

I

ask about the yohimbine

pill,

make an appointment

they

I

When asked I

this old

politely that they loan

nurse-queen

flatly

me

them

I

much in

me

to see the

another peter-meter to complete the research,

and rudely refuses,

in spite

of

which would have moved anyone with a heart anything

So

for

^

doctor.

for their

commitment

some

less

really passionate

and control experimentation,

to science

begging

than stone.

I

pointed out to

no uncertain terms.

must report for the sake of science that

about the red welts on Senor

X.

I

had a precipitous come-down. I'm not talking

I'm talking about a certain

deep depression and

suicidal

compulsion to throw myself out the window due to the terrifying realization that I'm a powerless pawn, a passive, helpless victim, of a merciless band of sadistic torturers with no escape. But I'm only on the ground floor window.

Hfrlf

I

110

File

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(^

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^"^^

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*''*

FROM: HUCK GETTY MELLON VON SCHLEBRUGGE

SUBJ: FURTHER ADVENTURES

So,

when

shape of

my

I

return to the Clinic for

my

of naive hope,

pills, full

?

which you would ex^CTtWdm people who spend

ant, Jran|
it

| nip reaHM|ma|evai e rt I

all tlikir

drooling and laughing silently at sincere patients.

'

I

life.

ffme

sitffiig

ardJncP hiAiiiiwhole

^

t

At bes

m

.-.O'.IK'

1H

iH^

<>

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-^S.-'iN' Believe

it

or not, he flat out refuses. In spite of

and reminding him

I

am

already

broken one, offering again double the

to

in

my waving my

ctieck-book

in his

face

the sack for $1700 for the

purchase a

retail price.

new

one. Even at

^

M

No way.

At this point

painfully obvious that this Dr. Herb

it is

has totally abandoned

all

Kelman

professional principles. jHe hates me!

The muscular maienurse likewise.

Put yourself in

and the entire

my

clinic

place. Here's a helpless patient in distress is

turning on

me

like Dr.

Mengele with

pitiless hatred.

Suddenly,

snaps into place. This entire clinic

it all

is

nest of conspiratorial horror. Money-snatching vultures As David Scott's

Bowie

told

me

this .

while pledging total eternal love

"Hunger," faithless bitch, "Don't look at the carpet.

That's the perfect

metaphor

in his trailer It's

on

tlie

set of

Tony

got something awful on

iti"

for the Southern California Sexual! Dysfunction Clinic I

FROM: RICHARD ALPERT

f

TO:

HUCK GETTY MELLON VON SCHLEBRUGGE

SUDJ

RELAXATION

HUCK, WE UNDERSTAND THIS IS DIFFICULT MATERIAL FOR VOU TO DISCUSS, PARTICULARLY IN THE DELIGHTFUL CHAOTICS VOU HAVE DESIGNED. WE ARE GOING TO GO OFF LINE TO CALM OURSELVES

DOWN. WE SUGGEST VOU 00 THE SAME. OKAY? HUCK: REMEMBER OUR CO^f^RACT. COUNT DOWN TO ORDER THREE! TWO! ONE! ZtEHEEEEEEEEEEEP! CYBERCLEAR!

OKA|'?J i|

ill

FROM: HUCK GETTY MELLON VON SCHLEBRUGGE TO: ALL

SUBJ: FURTHER ADVENTURES

Yeah. Thanks for the PsychoNeurological Heimlich Maneuver. nurse

left

me. Talk

later.

1H

I'll

take the

pills

that the

tl

O

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was made

using:

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