'Soul Without Shame is that rare book that blends intellectual depth, genuine originality, and practical usefulness. As ...
526 downloads
4882 Views
1MB Size
Report
This content was uploaded by our users and we assume good faith they have the permission to share this book. If you own the copyright to this book and it is wrongfully on our website, we offer a simple DMCA procedure to remove your content from our site. Start by pressing the button below!
Report copyright / DMCA form
'Soul Without Shame is that rare book that blends intellectual depth, genuine originality, and practical usefulness. As Byron Brown envisions the 'inner critic,' (the superego) it is a force that most of us accept as a necessary moral compass in our lives, but which in fact attacks us relentlessly and insidiously. Gracefully and persuasively, Brown makes the case that we literally become our own worst enemies, undermining even our most determined efforts to grow and prosper. This book offers rich and fresh insights into an aspect of inner work that is far too often neglected, and also sets out systematic ways to break free of the prison of j u d g m e n t — b o t h of ourselves and of others."
— T O N Y S C H W A R T Z , author of What Really Matters
'In very clear and available language, this book details how to recognize the inner critic and how to deal effectively with it. Byron Brown's presentation is useful for any individual who wishes to be free from the inner suffering and coercion of this ancient foe of our humanity, but it is specifically directed to those interested and engaged in the inner journey toward realization and enlightenment."
—A. H. A L M A A S
Do you have a chronic case of "the judge"—also known as the inner critic or superego? Here is a practical, acccessible handbook that will show you where your inner critic came from, how it operates, and how accessing strength, joy, truth, and compassion can counteract its powerful forces. Soul without Shame explores what it means to liberate yourself from your inner judge as a step toward experiencing the freedom and vitality of the h u m a n soul. It contains exercises, practices, and entertaining examples from everyday life to guide you in your work with this exhilarating process. Byron Brown is a senior student of A. H. Almaas, who developed the Diamond Approach, a path of self-understanding. As a Diamond Approach teacher, he has a special interest in guiding students through the basics of working with their superegos.
.E
www.shambhala.coni
S H A M B H A L A BOSTON
a
LONDON
g
CONTENTS
Foreword Acknowledgments Preface Introduction Note to the Reader
ix xiii XV
xvii xxiii
3
1.
T h e Soul Perspective
2.
W h a t Is the Judge?
13
3.
True N a t u r e and Reality
29
4.
Recognizing Judgment
41
5.
Awareness
65
6.
W h a t Is Judged?
73
7.
Acceptance
89
8.
Engaging the Judge
99
9.
Personal Will
117
10.
Being the Judge
127
11.
Strength
143
12.
W h y Judge?
153
13. Joy and Curiosity
171
14.
Looking Deeper
179
15.
Compassion
189
16.
Disidentifying
197
Contents
viii
17.
Spaciousness
209
18.
S t o p p i n g Self-Betrayal
217
19.
Value
229
20.
D e f e n d i n g Against J u d g m e n t
239
21.
Peace
257
22.
After t h e J u d g m e n t I s G o n e
263
23.
Truth
275
24.
Recapping the Journey
283
25.
Presence
295
Final Thoughts
301
List of Practices and Exercises
303
Further Resources
305
Index
306
FOREWORD
be free and happy. Many of us believe that we can attain these qualities through external success, and so we tend to see our obstacles as out there in the world, in people and situations. W h e n we recognize that the promise of fulfillment and what stands in its way are b o t h within us, we begin the inner j o u r n e y It is a j o u r ney into our own consciousness and experience, a path of discovery and realization of the inner riches of h u m a n potentiality. Even though it is a thrilling adventure, the inner journey, as with any real adventure, is not an easy one, for it is full of challenges and difficulties, obstacles and barriers. T h e inner obstacles have been k n o w n and discussed for t h o u sands of years by many of the wisdom teachings and teachers. H o w ever, some of these primary obstacles could n o t be understood in a precise and detailed manner until the development of m o d e r n depth psychology. N o w with this understanding the inner j o u r n e y is assisted in ways not possible in previous times. O n e of these obstacles to inner work and spiritual realization is the painful and difficult one of the inner critic, the coercive agency within us that criticizes, judges, compares, condemns, blames, and attacks us and others mercilessly and constantly
W E ALL W A N T T O
D e p t h psychology has demonstrated that we always develop a part of our selves to take the role of inner conscience, traditionally referred to as the superego. But this ego structure of conscience is built mostly through identification with the j u d g i n g , critical, blaming, and punishing attitudes in the environment we grow up in. It becomes a harsh j u d g e and a cruel source of punishment, instead of being the light of true conscience. It tends to develop into a rigid
Foreword
X
part of our m i n d that embodies inflexible rules and c o m m a n d m e n t s , impermeable to understanding and deaf to reality. T h e superego becomes one of the main sources of inner suffering, through low self-esteem, guilt, shame, devaluation, and self-recrimination. It acts whenever it recognizes in o u r experience of ourselves, or in the p e r ception of others, something of w h i c h it does not approve. Besides the pervasive suffering it causes in our experience, the rigidity and j u d g m e n t of the inner critic make it difficult for us to go deeply into ourselves.This is because we are attacked by it every time we uncover something of w h i c h it disapproves. So in the inner journey, we either unnecessarily suffer, or to avoid this suffering we veer away from parts of our own experience. In b o t h cases, our inner work becomes difficult and limited, and frequently comes to a halt. Because of the greater understanding of the genesis and structure of the inner critic available in m o d e r n depth psychology, we can n o w deal with it m o r e effectively than ever before. We can recognize it for what it is, address it in ways that liberate us from its cruel inner attacks, and henceforth j o u r n e y inwards with greater freedom and m o r e enjoyment of the thrill of discovery. This b o o k is unique in providing the reader with the u n d e r standing and methodology to do just that. In very clear and available language, it details h o w to recognize the inner critic and h o w to effectively deal with it. Byron B r o w n s presentation is useful for any individual w ho wishes to be free from the inner suffering and coercion of this ancient foe of our humanity, but it is specifically directed to those individuals interested and engaged in the inner j o u r n e y toward realization and enlightenment. Byron has been a student of m i n e for many years, and a teacher w i t h considerable experience in the D i a m o n d Approach to the inner journey. He has expressed his own understanding of h o w to w o r k with the judge, culled from many years of his o w n inner work, and his w o r k with students and groups, in a way that reveals its roots in the actual essential states of inner realization. As a result, this b o o k is n o t only a study of the inner critic and how to deal with it, but a clear presentation of h o w this w o r k can be done in a way that actually helps reveal our true and spiritual nature. In other words, it demonstrates h o w the work on the inner critic can b e c o m e a path T
Foreword
xi
toward realizing true c o n s c i e n c e — t h e essential conscience of which the inner critic is merely a limited imitation. Byron has also succeeded in demonstrating h o w the work with the inner critic and the arising of inner spiritual states are related, and h o w they c o n tribute to and support each other. His extensive understanding of the subject matter derives not only from his o w n inner work and work with students in the R i d h w a n School, but also from the many classes he developed and taught, devoted specifically to w o r k i n g with the inner critic. I believe the reader will find this b o o k a u n i q u e opportunity to deal with an age-old problem, with intelligence and efficiency. T h e application of its knowledge will contribute significantly to one's inner development. A. H. Almaas Berkeley, California February 1998
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
I W O U L D L I K E T O express special thanks to H a m e e d Ali (A. H . Almaas), with w h o m I have studied and trained as a teacher during the last sixteen years. He is the founder of the D i a m o n d Approach, a m o d e r n spiritual path based on self-understanding. T h r o u g h the w o r k of his R i d h w a n School, I have learned this approach to the judge, or superego. I am completely indebted to H a m e e d for the profound teaching of Essence and its aspects, and for illuminating the ways in which the superego hinders us from knowing our true nature. Learning to disengage from the attacks of the superego is a fundamental step in early stages of the D i a m o n d Approach. I hope this b o o k may be of some assistance in supporting students involved in the R i d h w a n School, as well as interested people everywhere. My heartfelt appreciation also goes to Karen Johnson, Hameed's colleague and my individual teacher, w h o has so patiently guided me through the maze of my o w n psychic reality for many years. I am grateful to Michael Torresan, former teacher in the R i d h wan School, for first organizing this material and presenting it as a b o d y of teaching in workshop format. He was an inspiring and provocative model for assisting others in confronting their judges. I have found his w o r k an important starting point for m u c h of what I have developed in this b o o k . T h r o u g h o u t my years of teaching the D i a m o n d Approach, and this material in particular, I have worked with many students. I am grateful to each one for what he or she has taught me. Many of t h e m appear directly and indirectly in the pages of this book. M u c h of the writing of this book was made possible by the solitude and quiet of theVedanta Retreat in Marin, California, and I am
XIV
Acknowledgments
appreciative of the welcome offered me to have quiet time and to write. I would also like to thank D e b o r a h Meyer for her belief in the profound value of this w o r k for her psychotherapy clients as well as her encouragement and feedback in an initial reading of the m a n uscript. Special thanks to my father, Q u e n t i n , for a patient and detailed editing of my rough grammar and questioning ot my unfamiliar concepts. He has always supported me in my pursuit of w r i t ing and has set a high standard for an appreciative use of the English language. A n d thanks to Alia J o h n s o n and Sara Hurley, w h o have given me feedback and cheered me on during the four years it has taken to complete this b o o k . M a n y people encouraged me as they read through the initial drafts, including Loie Rosenkrantz, Ward Stoneman, Sherry Anderson, R o b e r t B i r n b a u m , Barry R o t h m a n , Pam Weiss, Jessica B r u t , Karen Johnson, and H a m e e d Ali. After writing four drafts on my own, I made a N e w Year's resolution in 1997 to find an editor to w o r k with me. I am deeply indebted to my father-m-law,Jim Friedman, and my father for h e l p ing to make this step possible. As a result, the b o o k took a great leap forward into its final form through the invaluable attention o f T h e W r i t e r s Midwife,Elianne Obadia.We established a wonderful partnership as she helped me realize the energy and clarity needed to make the material speak most effectively T h a n k you, Elianne, for your enthusiasm, appreciation, and critical consideration of my writing. I offer many thanks to the staff of Shambhala Publications, particularly my editor, Emily H i l b u r n Sell, for believing in this b o o k and helping birth it into the world. Last, I am forever grateful to my wife, Ellen Friedman, for her o n g o i n g support, interest, and energy, w h i c h have sustained me t h r o u g h o u t the process of bringing this project to completion. My life with her has provided the ultimate laboratory and testing g r o u n d for the success of the principles described in this book.
PREFACE
D U R I N G T H E M A N Y Y E A R S 1 have been teaching people how to work with self-criticism, I have witnessed a great deal of suffering resulting directly from the negative ways people treat themselves. I have also seen their surprise and concern as they c o m e to recognize h o w serious this situation is. Perhaps most important, I see their hunger for a sense of personal integrity based on compassion and understanding rather than a belief in deficiency based on self-blame.
There is n o t h i n g m o r e poignant and h e a r t - w r e n c h i n g than to witness a friend treat himself badly out of a well-intentioned desire to do the best thing. It is painful to see his self-punishment, to recognize its inappropriateness, and to k n o w you are helpless to stop it.You are helpless because the friend sees his actions as the logical and necessary o u t c o m e of w h o he is. Even w h e n he recognizes the pain and struggle caused by the self-blame, he is not necessarily any closer to stopping it from happening.You might see that he believes he is responsible for something he is not and want him to recognize that.You may try to talk to this friend about it or give h i m books to read. But these things will have little lasting impact on his internal world unless they awaken his hunger to k n o w himself beyond his hopes and fears. To challenge your own patterns of self-judgment is an equally difficult task. Simply to recognize h o w harsh and intolerant you can be toward yourself is uncomfortable enough. But to expose and explore this part of yourself also means questioning basic assumptions about your upbringing and the society in w h i c h you live.This may mean setting personal priorities counter to those held by friends, family, and colleagues—something that is hard to do alone.
XV)
Prefac,
For this reason, you can benefit greatly from doing inner critic work with like-minded souls in workshops or o n g o i n g groups. You see that you are not alone in your patterns of self-blame, and you receive external support for challenging these patterns. Working with others can counteract the isolation that you fear will c o m e as you begin questioning the standards of those around you as well as your own expectations. For those w h o do not have the opportunity to be in a group that supports this focus, w o r k i n g w i t h the inner critic can be a lonely and often discouraging process. A b o o k can give some background, suggest ways of working, and offer some guidelines, but it cannot replace the personal contact of other people or the feedback of a teacher or therapist. This b o o k presents a perspective that frees you from the pervasive orientation of self-improvement, an approach that often reinforces rather than liberates you from the suffering of self-blame. I hope it will offer support for your own growth by validating the importance of challenging self-judgment on the path to self-understanding. Byron Brown Albany, California N o v e m b e r 1997
INTRODUCTION
to the lifelong process of disengaging from self-judgment and, through and beyond that work, to k n o w i n g yourself as a living soul. Specifically, it will lead you on an experiential process of unraveling the j u d g m e n t in your inner life. T h e abundant information here is not arranged as a theoretical treatise but as an interactive process and a practical guide to help free you from self-attack.Throughout the b o o k , personal examples from individuals and from my work w i t h students are included to illustrate the principles presented, as well as exercises and practices to encourage discovery of your o w n understanding of the material. T h e knowledge offered will have little impact unless you actively explore its relevance to your o w n experience. THIS BOOK INTRODUCES YOU
Working with the j u d g e and discovering the truth is a j o u r n e y of liberation. As you c o m e to recognize that you are in a prison guarded by the judge, you appreciate the soul's powerful longing for freedom. Every external form of bondage in h u m a n history reflects the psychic confinement of the soul resulting from ignorance and unquestioned beliefs. You are a slave to your o w n ideas of w h o you are and h o w you need to be. T h e ability to defend against the j u d g e s attacks and disengage from its activity offers you the possibility of discovering w h o you are independent of ideas. Actively standing up for the truth of your experience breaks the habitual patterns of your familiar identity. W h e r e expectations and standards ruled, there can be openness and allowing. Fear of retribution can give way to self-trust and curiosity. From hopelessness and defeat can arise acceptance and confidence. And confinement and tension can be transformed into spaciousness and ease.
Introduction
XV111
A Journey
of Truth
A n d truth guides the journey. In combination with the grounding and practicality of your personal will, truth acts as an objective c o n science for action in the world. O n e of the original functions of the j u d g e was to act as your conscience.The j u d g e learned standards of right and w r o n g from parents and society.Then, by using guilt and shame, it helped you as a child to behave and act appropriately according to that moral code. Unfortunately, this process suppressed your spontaneity, aliveness, and instinctual power in order to make you socialized and acceptable.You needed the judge's firm support and direction as you developed your own ability to perceive, evaluate, and understand. However, the o u t c o m e of that development was not grounded in your true nature. As an adult, you have c o n tinued to rely on the judge's internalized standards of right and wrong. O n l y true maturation can replace the j u d g e with a living conscience. This capacity of the soul depends on the recognition of your essential nature and the development of your ability to be authentically yourself. Disengaging from thejudge thus serves two functions: to free you from the confinement of old, limiting patterns and beliefs and, at the same time, to demand that you actively practice living in a way that eliminates the need for the j u d g e . You cannot simply throw off a structure that has defined and supported you unless you have s o m e thing more effective wath which to replace it.You must learn to function, interact, and make choices freed from the standards of thejudge, w h i c h means living in alignment w ith the truth and reality of your own life at the present time. This creates a living conscience that is not based on rules. Such a conscience allows the fullness ot your living soul to express itself.This happens w h e n you have transformed the self-centeredness of instinctual impulses, the self-destruction of compulsive patterns, and the rigidity of internalized authority. This is n o t a small task. It is the w o r k of learning to be a responsible, mature h u m a n being.You cannot plan h o w to do it. you cannot only read about h o w to do it,you cannot simply follow someone else's instructions.You must learn how to live spontaneously by recognizing and following the guidance of what you k n o w to be true. r
Introduction
A Journey
XIX
of Recovery
Working with the j u d g e is a j o u r n e y of recovery. Disengaging helps free you from the harsh oppression ot the j u d g e and also accelerates your movement into experiencing the aliveness of the soul. This is the doorway to recovery of your soul nature. You have the o p p o r tunity to recover a fresh and dynamic aliveness at the heart of your life. And aliveness means the presence of passion and spontaneity two qualities noticeably absent in the world of j u d g m e n t . It also means the experience ot yourself as a life source. Life tlow-s from and through you, taking on both familiar and untamiliar forms. T h e soufs aliveness is the sense of something conscious and u n p r e dictable, awake and mysterious. My desire is to support you to be directly in contact with your o w n lived experience w i t h o u t the j u d g e as intermediary.The central practice in this process is to return to your experience oí yourself in this m o m e n t . As you learn to k n o w yourself each m o m e n t with curiosity and openness, you allow the process of self-discovery to o p e n new doors. You find your own natural resources that have gone unrecognized because of the judge's controlling influence. W h e n you actively disengage, you begin to recognize what is called presence as a ground of support for being w h o you are from m o m e n t to m o m e n t . You are offered tastes of being a soul that is alive, dynamic, and i m m e d i a t e — a soul that is open, changing, and responding, but also a soul that is rooted in the reality of the truth. 7
T h e various flavors of presence arise to enrich your experience: Awareness wakes you up to the ever-changing elements of each day, and personal will brings you back to your direct experience of what is true at the present time. Acceptance encourages vulnerability to the ups and downs of your inner world, and strength gives you the courage to expand your boundaries and go beyond what you think is possible, joy and curiosity help you appreciate and celebrate the mystery of you and your world, while compassion tenderizes you as it allows contact with the fullness of your heart, including its pain, grief, and longing. Spaciousness transforms the anxiety about lack into the allowing of openness, and value offers sweetness and satisfaction to your soul as you learn to appreciate your true nature. Peace
XX
Introduction
stills the inner activity that undermines the quietness and simplicity of being yourself, allowing the truth of you and your life to be more apparent. T h e soul's j o u r n e y does not take you away from the physical, emotional, and social realities of your life. It is n o t about o t h e r worldly experiences. R e c o v e r y of the soul enriches the life you have by bringing in the dimension of presence and its qualities, the invisible essence of what it means to be alive. Spirituality is the heart ot h u m a n life, the subtle dimension of being a soul. It gives your e x p e rience fullness and immediacy so that you feel m o r e in contact with each m o m e n t as you live each day.
How This Book Is
Structured
This book addresses the h u m a n dilemma of the soul through answering two questions: what is this soul that you have lost touch with, and what prevents you from recognizing it? These two questions are basic to all spiritual work, and answering t h e m can be approached in many ways. Here, we look at the barrier by working with self-judgment and h o w it blocks you from k n o w i n g yourself as soul. We explore the soul itself by focusing on some of its essential aspects that have largely been disowned or forgotten. T h e following pages present a step-by~step m e t h o d for c o n fronting self-judgment.You will learn to recognize the presence of the judge, notice its effect on you, discover h o w it functions, explore how you support its activity, uncover its motivation, and most important, find ways to tree yourselt from its influence.This process is necessary for you to have the freedom to discover w h o you are beneath the myriad beliefs you have accumulated about yourself over the years.The information in the book is presented in an order most useful for w o r k i n g on your own: gradually developing the awareness and skills to support a true and effective defense against self-judgment. If you were working with the o n g o i n g support ot a teacher or group, the presentation of the material might have a different emphasis. T h e first half of the book focuses on understanding j u d g m e n t and how it affects y o u . T h e second halt moves you into taking steps
introduction
XXI
to defend against the activity of self-judgment. Twelve chapters address the j u d g e process, each one concluding with a summarv of its significant points and one or m o r e exercises for supporting vou in pursuing the work on your o w n . T h e second focus of this b o o k is the reconnection with your soul, the forgotten potential of w h o you truly are. C o m p l e m e n t a r y to the work on the j u d g e is the process of rediscovering inherent qualities of your true nature that you lost touch with as you grew up, in particular those relevant to freeing you from self-judgment. Traditional spiritual work tends to focus on aspects of vour nature considered spiritual (meaning beyond worldly life), such as universal love, self-realization, transcendent unity, ultimate e m p t i ness, or spiritual insight. These are important for knowing the deeper dimensions ot h u m a n experience. However, you have other essential qualities, often overlooked, that are m o r e relevant for lite in the world. Working with the judge is a particularly d o w n - t o - e a r t h affair and needs the support of m o r e basic, tamiliar soul qualities, freed from beliefs and personal history. In the soul chapters, you are invited to contact the clear simplicity of awareness, the energetic expansion of strength, the solid reliability of will, and the gentle w a r m t h of compassion. These qualities and others provide a c o n trast to the experience of yourself supported by the inner critic and at the same time give you access to inner resources tor challenging its power. Each quality presented has a particular relevance for an aspect oí your work with the j u d g e . T h e soul quality chapters alternate with the j u d g e chapters, and each contains a practice to help you reconnect with that quality. These two dimensions, dealing with the j u d g e and contacting soul qualities, mutually support and reinforce each other. Seeing through the judge's attitudes and beliefs allows you to observe yourself and your experience with fresh eyes and begin to recognize your deeper soul nature.You make space to know yourself in a different way. At the same time, directly sensing an aspect of your true nature provides a vivid and definite alternative to the reactive nature of seltjudgment. In addition, a story that follows a young couple, Frank and Sue, 7
XXI1
Introduction
as they live through o n e Saturday together threads through the book. Their day is told in short episodes on the page taeing the opening of each successive chapter. Every episode touches on the material in that chapter and helps place the subject matter of the book in die context of real life. W h e n a j u d g m e n t is arising in the characters' minds or in their o w n words, it is generally preceded by the symbol to help you learn to recognize the prevalence and variation of this element of b o t h inner and outer activity W h e n Frank or Sue is engaged in inner dialogue, w h e t h e r a j u d g m e n t or not, the words are in italics. You may find it useful to reread an episode after you finish reading the chapter it precedes.
The Beginning of a Process This is a lifelong j o u r n e y of discovering the truth in your lite as you liberate your soul. Recognizing, appreciating, and disengaging from your j u d g e is a vital way ot ensuring that it becomes your journey. This book is only a beginning, but it will provide a useful foundation for opening the prison door and stepping into the heart of life.
NOTE
TO
THE
FIEADER
m o r e than just your mind. It is addressed to your soul. At different times, the material will resonate in your b o d y or your heart or in your very being. T h e chapters are packed with information, insights, and inquiries. It is not light reading. This is a b o o k to work through slowly, allowing it to stimulate you, unsettle you, move you.Take it in small bites so you can absorb the tastes and textures. Go away and c o m e back. Stop and reread. As you read, you will find yourself responding to the ideas that are relevant to where you are in your own journey. You will draw from what is presented the nourishment you need at the m o m e n t for your own development.This means that m u c h of what you read will pass into your mind and out again without any significant impact. This is natural. However, it also means that you can c o m e back to any part of this book in one m o n t h , six months, or a year and you will resonate with material that w as not important for you the first time. I particularly r e c o m m e n d that as you read, you pay attention to your body and your energy. N o t i c e h o w they are affected by your reading. It you b e c o m e aw^are of having a hard time concentrating or feeling restless, stop and take a break. Perhaps something has struck h o m e and stirred a physical or an emotional response. W h e n one part of you is strongly affected, it can prevent you from taking in any more. T h e focus of this b o o k on connecting with your e x p e rience in the m o m e n t makes it ideal for learning to track yourself in this wav. M a k i n g space for your responses to the process of reading will create a greater impact and also allow the material to n o u r ish and awaken m o r e aspects of your soul. T H I S B O O K SPEAKS T O
r
7
XXIV
Note to the
Reader
Do not expect instantaneous change or development; be patient with yourself as you respect your soul's need to go at its o w n pace. Integrating into your life the various elements of this self-discovery process can take many years.The exercises and practices in this b o o k are designed to expose you to different dimensions of inner e x p e rience in a gradual way.The resulting effect is cumulative: each facet of the w o r k is reinforced by all the others.
SOUL WITHOUT SHAME
A DAY WITH FRANK AND SUE Sue was awoken by Frank r e t u r n i n g to b e d from the b a t h r o o m . It t o o k quite a while before she finally a c k n o w l e d g e d that she couldn't go back to sleep. H e , m e a n w h i l e , seemed to have fallen asleep right away. T h e clock radio was glowing 3:30 w h e n Sue twisted her h e a d to the left and o p e n e d her eyes. She r e m e m b e r e d t o o late w h a t she had heard on the radio from s o m e sleep expert: you should never look at the time w h e n you wake up in the middle of the night because that seems to make it harder to go back to sleep.This r e m i n d e d her of h o w often recently she had b e e n waking up in the middle of the night. Fortunately, this time it was Saturday and she didn't have to get up early,but she was frustrated with herself and dreaded lying awake for the rest of the night. O
So what has been jour problem lately anyway. Sue? You didn't used to have difficulty sleeping. Something's wrong here. You know you are eating too late, and you are getting into that had habit of black tea after dinner. I think it must have something to do with either lack of exercise or being anxious about my work. I will have to get some of that melatonin at the vitamin store tomorrow . . .
As her m i n d c o n t i n u e d w o r k i n g , Sue was getting m o r e and m o r e unsettled in h e r body. She could feel the heaviness of sleep still in h e r system, and h e r eyes were aching. A sense of l o w - g r a d e agitation was developing in her limbs, as t h o u g h a subtle current of energy had been t u r n e d on and she could no longer relax. She desperately longed to shut it off and drop back into sleep. W i t h some effort, Sue stopped h e r mental obsessing and focused her attention on her arms and legs and began controlled breathing to try to relax. At first, she felt m o r e tension than relaxation from trying to c o n centrate. T h e n , as she c o n t i n u e d , the outline of her b o d y slowly transformed into a vivid presence charged w i t h a slightly prickly energy.This shifted into a pulsing flow m o v i n g t h r o u g h her; it was b o t h soothing and enlivening. A n d then for a m o m e n t , Sue experienced herself floating in the middle of a dark, spacious field with a vibrant perimeter. She was feeling herself in an i m m e d i a t e and unfamiliar way, w h e n suddenly a familiar voice broke in: O But you're supposed to be going to sleep! T h e internal voice b r o u g h t her back to b e i n g Sue lying in b e d n o t sleeping.Where had she been? N o t asleep b u t n o t anyplace familiar. She found herself yawning as she puzzled over w h a t had just h a p p e n e d . Sue t u r n e d over, pulled up the covers, and was soon fast asleep.
1 THE
SOUL
PERSPECTIVE k'-<-
Y o u A R E A S O U L . A n d i f y o u a l l o w it, y o u r life c a n b e c o m e a j o u r n e y o f u n f o l d i n g for y o u r s o u l . T h e fact is. y o u d o n o t r e c o g n i z e y o u r s e l f a s s o u l . Y o u d o n o t k n o w t h e s o u r c e o f y o u r o w n aliveness. Y o u are n o t a w a r e o í t h e p o t e n t i a l t o r f r e e d o m a n d r e s p o n s i v e n e s s t h a t i s y o u r t r u e n a t u r e , i n o r d e r t o see y o u r i n n e r c r i t i c i n a p r o p e r p e r s p e c t i v e , i n r e l a t i o n t o t h e t o t a l i t y o t w h o YOU are, y o u m u s t h a v e s o m e sense o t b e i n g a s o u l . W h a t d o e s t h a t m e a n ?
What Is the Soul? W h e n e v e r p e o p l e say t h e w o r d / , t h e y g e n e r a l l y are r e f e r r i n g t o a p e r s o n w h o w a s b o r n o f c e r t a i n p a r e n t s , has a c e r t a i n history, a n d acts a n d b e h a v e s i n c e r t a i n familiar w a y s . T h i s i s often r e f e r r e d t o a s t h e e g o o r p e r s o n a l i t y . T h e s o u l , i n tact, i s t h e t r u e " 1 . " I t i s t h e p r e s e n t - m o m e n t e x p e r i e n c e o f y o u r s e l t a s t h e a g e n t i n y o u r life, t h e s e n s e o f a l i v i n g n e s s t h a t i s h e r e n o w . C a n y o u say w h a t y o u are i f y o u d o n ' t refer t o w h o y o u h a v e b e e n ? T h e soul i s t h e y o u w h o e x p e r i e n c e s y o u r l i f e — t h e o n e w h o p e r c e i v e s , acts, l e a r n s , a n d c h a n g e s . I t i s n o t t h e b o d y t h a t w a s b o r n m a n y years a g o ; i t i s n o t t h e s e l f - i m a g e o f a p e r s o n w h o has p a r t i c u l a r skills a n d c a p a c i t i e s ; a n d i t i s n o t t h e m i n d t h a t t h i n k s a n d w o r ries a b o u t e v e r y t h i n g t h a t h a p p e n s . T h e s o u l i n c l u d e s all o f t h e s e , b u t a s t h e e x p e r i e n c e r , i t i s m o r e f u n d a m e n t a l a n d less d e f i n e d t h a n any of t h e m . W h o is it that e x p e r i e n c e s b e i n g an ego, b e i n g a body,
4
S
O LI L W I T H O LI T
S
H A M E
or being a mind? W h o at this very minute is reading these words? Can you define w h o or what that is? This I call the soul. All aspects of your experience emerge out of your soul. N o t only is the soul the experience^ it is also what is experienced and the locus of your experience. In other words, your soul is what underlies and unifies every part of you and your experience. T h e deep longing to be whole, to feel integrated, to be yourself w i t h o u t division, is a longing to experience the soul. T h e closer you are to sensing your o w n immediate aliveness, the closer you are to soul. T h e soul is the substance of living c o n sciousness. To feel it is to recognize the miraculous and mysterious quality of what you a r e — a flowing presence, dynamic, alive, and ever-changing.To feel you are a soul is to k n o w the unboundedness of life.The soul extends beyond the usual boundaries and categories of the h u m a n mind, beyond the familiar notion of a h u m a n life. It is not limited by history, concepts, or the physical body. It defies exact definition or analysis. As such, the soul is better felt, sensed, and known in the heart than it is through the structures and p e r ceptions of the mind. Have you ever wished for ease and spontaneity in your heart? Have you ever felt limited by the idea of having to be or act a particular way? If so, imagine what sense of yourself would allow spontaneity, ease, and freedom. W h o would you be, and how would you feel? You are imagining a fundamental quality of your soul nature. T h e nature of the soul is pure consciousness, experienced as a field of awareness in relation to physical reality.This field of awareness contains your m i n d and your b o d y w i t h o u t being b o u n d e d by either. Normally, you experience yourself as a physical body that has a mind with awareness as one of its capacities. But your soul is m o r e like an expanse of awareness particles condensed in your location into a solid physical presence k n o w n as a b o d y And these awareness particles permeate every cell, sensation, and thought you have.The most external expression of your consciousness or soul is your body, w h i c h brings your awareness into intimate contact with the physical world as you k n o w it. H o w different it would be to experience your w h o l e body made out of this consciousness—with your awareness consciously inhabiting and living through every cell in your body!
The
Soul
Perspective
The Presence of the Soul To be in touch with your actual consciousness, which is the substance of your soul, is to be aware of your existence in each m o m e n t — t o be aware of presence. Presence means the sense of immediate existence or being. And presence is a primary quality of the soul. You cannot be aware of your own soul nature unless you are present to your o w n experience, unless you k n o w your reality as it exists right now. Presence is your direct knowingness of being alive in the present m o m e n t . T h a t knowingness is not an idea or a thought but an actual felt awareness. It is what gives your body its felt sense. T h e soul's presence is substantial w i t h o u t being physical, and that substance gives the physical body a sense of living fullness. Presence is to the soul what wetness is to water: one is an inseparable quality of the other. However, if you only look at water or only touch it with rubber gloves, you may not k n o w that water is wet. Similarly, the presence oí the soul cannot be erased or separated o u t , b u t it can go unrecognized if you are n o t in touch with it. I g n o rance of the presence of your own soul is a deep and painful loss that stirs the longing to k n o w yourself m o r e intimately. This l o n g ing may be expressed as the search for meaning and truth, the desire for self-realization, or the pursuit of freedom and liberation. All are fulfilled through experiencing the living presence of the s o u l — t h e true nature of w h o you are. T h e soul's presence conies in many subtle but distinct flavors that underlie the richness of life. These are the basic elements of h u m a n existence, such as strength, clarity, compassion, joy, love, intelligence, value, will, acceptance, and vulnerability. These essential aspects make up your true nature, that in you which is innate or God-given and not dependent on your parents, your appearance, your behavior, or your achievements.
Soul
Qualities
T h e soul is also the source ot qualities that inform physical existence: life, growth, dynamism, and flow. T h e physical body is alive because of the soul's presence: the b o d y is experienced as dead w h e n
6
SOUL
WITHOUT
SHAME
t h e life, o r s o u l , has g o n e o u t o t it. Y o u r o w n s e n s e o f aliveness i s only partially d u e to physical factors; m o r e fundamentally, it derives f r o m y o u r o p e n n e s s t o t h e s o u l . Similarly, y o u r b o d y has a p h y s i o l o g i c a l p a t t e r n o f g r o w t h , b u t your g r o w t h i s m o r e t h a n p h y s i c a l . Y o u develop and transform, learn and m a t u r e in ways related to, b u t n o t c a u s e d by, t h e b i o l o g i c a l g r o w t h o t t h e b o d y Y o u as a s o u l h a v e d y n a m i s m , e x p e r i e n c e d as vitality, i n h e r e n t m o v e m e n t , a n d t r a n s f o r m a t i o n . O b j e c t s r e m a i n a t rest u n l e s s a c t e d u p o n ; y o u r s o u l has a c t i o n , c h a n g e , a n d c o n t i n u a l r e v e l a t i o n i m p l i c i t i n its v e r y n a t u r e . A n d t h a t d y n a m i s m flows: i t i s n o t static, r i g i d , o r mechanical.Your soul is an u n e n d i n g m o v e m e n t in space a n d time, a literal s t r e a m o f c o n s c i o u s n e s s r a t h e r t h a n a n o b j e c t t h a t s t o p s a n d starts, reacts a n d resists. W h e n y o u feel lifeless, u n c h a n g i n g , a n d a t t h e m e r c y o t e x t e r n a l forces, y o u are n o l o n g e r a w a r e o f y o u r s o u l nature. It ever y o u have l o n g e d to e x p e r i e n c e yourself as a d y n a m i c s o u r c e o f v i t a l i t y a n d t r a n s f o r m a t i o n , t h e n t h e aliveness o f t h e s o u l is your birthright waiting to be discovered. B e y o n d these qualities, however, are t w o u n i q u e attributes of t h e h u m a n s o u l . First i s t h e souFs e x t r a o r d i n a r y p o t e n t i a l t o e x p e r i e n c e a n y d i i n g t h a t can b e e x p e r i e n c e d . I n o t h e r w o r d s , a s a field o f c o n s c i o u s n e s s , t h e s o u l has a n u n l i m i t e d malleability. I n its p u r e f o r m , i t has n o r e s i s t a n c e t o b e i n g f o r m e d b v a n y i m p u l s e a r i s i n g w i t h i n it. I t i s s h a p e d a n d t r a n s f o r m e d i n a d y n a m i c f l o w o f c o n s c i o u s n e s s t h a t y o u k n o w a s t h e e x p e r i e n c e s o f y o u r life. Y o u k n o w this p o t e n t i a l for e x p e r i e n c e a s t h e p r o f o u n d l y h u m a n c a p a c i t y t o r e s p o n d to the w o r l d w i t h feeling, curiosity, a n d insight. At m o r e s u b t l e levels, y o u c a n e m p a t h i z e w i t h o t h e r s a n d i m a g i n e u n f a m i l iar w a y s o f b e i n g , a n d e v e n e n t e r d i r e c t l y i n t o t h e e x p e r i e n c e o f diff e r e n t f o r m s o f life. S u c h i s t h e t r u e f r e e d o m o f t h e s o u l — n o t t o b e defined or limited by external form. This is n o t only freedom from t h e l i m i t a t i o n s o f b e i n g s o m e t h i n g i n p a r t i c u l a r , b u t i t i s also t h e freedom to be anything. Your b o d y is limited, but y o u r soul is n o t b e c a u s e it is p u r e c o n s c i o u s n e s s . T h e s e c o n d a t t r i b u t e i s t h e soul's c a p a c i t y t o identify. N o t o n l y c a n y o u e x p e r i e n c e a n y t h i n g , y o u c a n b e l i e v e t h a t y o u are a n y t h i n g t h a t y o u e x p e r i e n c e . T h i s i s r e l a t e d t o t h e h u m a n c a p a c i t y for selfreflection: y o u have consciousness of y o u r o w n existence; therefore,
The
Soul
Perspective
1
you can k n o w yourself. However, because the soul takes on many forms through the impact of experience, you can k n o w yourself in many ways. You as soul are not limited to k n o w i n g yourself as soul. In fact, you long ago stopped recognizing yourself as soul. Instead, you identify with emotions, thoughts, beliefs, physical sensations, images in your mind, relationships with o t h e r souls, memories of previous experience, or states of consciousness, to name a few p o s sibilities. These forms in which the soul appears are m u c h m o r e familiar to you than the soul itself, even t h o u g h it is the c o m m o n substance of all the forms. Consequently, you as soul tend to k n o w yourselt through your forms rather than as a presence of pure c o n sciousness. T h e souls identification can shift in a fluid way as part of its growth and unfolding, or it can b e c o m e fixed on particular forms. W h e n identifying becomes fixed on some part of your consciousness, some particular form, you easily lose sight of the whole—yourself as a soul. You may never have k n o w n yourself as anything but forms of the soul (your body, your history, your thoughts, your e m o tions). Or you may r e m e m b e r beginning your life with some awareness of the soul and later losing touch with it w h e n you became identified with o n e or more of its forms. Either way, you do not n o w recognize your true nature as presence, transformation, unfolding experience, and aliveness. This soul loss is often not noticed until you begin to teel your experience pervaded by a lack of substance or inner meaning. W h e n this happens, you have c o m e to a point where your identity is so m u c h about familiar tonus that you have lost all contact with the living, dynamic substance of w h o you are. There's no j u i c e left in your life.You find yourself saying/'This can't be all that I a m . T h e r e must be more to lite than this.*' Many people consider this indicative of a midlife crisis. In tact, it is the cry ot your soul reminding you of your soul nature.
Losing Touch
with Your Soul
Nature
T h e fact that you identify and then are not aware that you have i d e n tified is the reason you do not experience yourself as a soul.You have
8
SOUL
WITHOUT
SHAME
b e c o m e deeply grounded in the belief that you are one part of the soul, so you experience your life through that part. For example, you believe that your fundamental nature is physical. Even if you would like to believe otherwise, you continually act from a profound conviction that your ultimate nature is a physical b o d y This belief, w h i c h was established in the first t w o years of life, forced u p o n you many other beliefs necessary for that body's survival. At that time, your body was small, undeveloped, and defenseless, so being in that body meant you were helpless and totally d e p e n d e n t on your parents. This, in turn, meant you had to accept their beliefs about life in order to survive. And so the experience of being a soul became increasingly faint. As you grew up, you added m o r e beliefs about w h o you were to those learned earlier. Perhaps, w h e n you were little, you saw that your father k n e w h o w to do things.This naturally sparked your o w n curiosity about h o w things work. Because he answered your questions, you came to believe he was the source of intelligence. Perhaps he did n o t appreciate your intelligence, so you tried to be like him in order to "gain" intelligence. You came to believe you had no innate intelligence, only what you learned by imitating him. N o w you constantly relate your sense of intelligence to the standards he taught you. You believe that others assess your intelligence in the same way. Furthermore, it you find yourself k n o w i n g something in a different way from your father, you doubt the usefulness or veracity of your o w n intelligence. Consequently, your sense of w h o you are in relation to intelligence is completely colored by these beliefs. You are cut off from any sense that intelligence is implicit in your true nature, your soul potential. In this way, by the time you are an adult, you have moved very far from the experience of yourself as a soul. You are n o w well defined by your physical, emotional, and personal history.Your sense of yourself is not fluid, changing, dynamic, and unfolding. You do not have the sense of impressionability of the soul in which every experience touches and affects your presence. You tend to believe, on the contrary, that your independence, integrity, and capacities are based on your ability to hold on to a definite idea of w h o you are and not be easily influenced or swayed by the experiences in your
The
Soul
Perspective
9
life.This is a c o m m o n result of life in m o d e r n society.There is n o t h ing w r o n g with it. However, it does mean you are not aware of the actual depths of w h o you a r e — y o u r soul nature and its potential. It is from here that the j o u r n e y of soul recovery begins.
PRACTICE: SENSING ALIVENESS This practice is a support for being m o r e in touch with the living quality that exists in you at each m o m e n t . It is not designed to create or encourage any particular energetic state. Step 1. Choose a household task such as washing the dishes, sweeping the floor, cleaning up your desk, or weeding the garden. Before you begin, notice h o w your body feels (tense, tired, energetic, slow, n u m b . . .). Feel your feet on the floor or ground, stretch your fingers, rub your hands together, and take a few deep breaths. As you begin your task, be aware of h o w the object you are working with feels in your hands. Notice its texture, weight, and shape. Allow yourself to experience h o w you feel about it: Do you like the dish you are washing? Does holding the b r o o m remind you of mother? Are you angry at not having the right places to put all your papers? In the garden, would you rather wear gloves, or do you like the feel of earth on your skin? Step 2.
Periodically during the task, stop and notice what the energy is like in your b o d y W h a t is your breathing like: shallow, held, relaxed, expanded? H o w is your concentration: is it easy to stay focused, or does your mind wander and you find yourselt easily distracted? Are you aware of feeling any particular e m o t i o n as you work: anxious, sad, hopeful, excited, peaceful, scared, guilty? H o w do you feel your o w n aliveness or lack of it at this m o m e n t ?
10
Step 3.
SOUL
WITHOUT
SHAMF:
Take whatever sense you n o w have of yourself, both physically and emotionally back into your task. C o n t i n u e to work while being aware of your energetic state. Does this awareness make it easier or harder to do what you need to do? A good practice to support being with your own alive ness as yovi function is to follow your breath. Actively attending to your inhalation and exhalation will keep your attention and your energy from b e c o m i n g fixed, shut down, or frozen.
When the soul is caught up in rigid identifications with others and the world, it is not satisfied. In every soul there is an inherent drive toward truth, an inherent desire tofeel fulfilled, real and free. Although many people are not able to pursue this desire effectively, the impetus toward the realization of the self is in all of us; it begins with the first stirrings of consciousness and continues throughout life whether or not we are directlyaware of it. This impetus spontaneously emerges in consciousness as an important taskjor the psychologically and spiritually maturing human being. As maturity grows into wisdom in an optimally developing person, this task gains precedence over other tasks in life, progressively becoming the center that orients, supports and gives meaning
to
one's life,
ultimately
encompassing all of one's experience. — A. H.Almaas, The Point of Existence, p. 16
Frank rolled over in b e d and o p e n e d his eyes.The sunlight was streaming in t h r o u g h the window, and the air felt clear and fresh. He r e m e m bered that it was Saturday and he had no obligations this m o r n i n g . He was smiling w h e n he t u r n e d his head to look at his wife, Sue, beside h i m . That's w h e n he felt the pain in his neck. T h e smile disappeared, and the voices in his head started u p : O
Now you did it. This is what happens when you read in bed until midnight with your neck all cramped up. You just went to the chiropractor yesterday and can't go again until Monday, so you're going to have a sore neck all weekend. When will you ever learn? Well, it's not all my fault. That guy just can't get my neck right. 1 think he's lost his touch. Tve read in bed for years and didn't put my neck out. Besides, I wasn't reading last night; I watched TV. Damn! It's your own fault because you never get enough exercise. You just sit a!] day. You're right; 1 am lazy. Frank t o o k a deep breath and sighed. T i m e to get up. Sue was still
asleep. He felt an impulse to lean over and give her a kiss. C?
Better not do that or you'll wake her up.You know how little sleep she got last night with her insomnia. She'll be in a really bad mood if you wake her up now. Maybe, but what about later, when she asks how come I didn't hang around in bed with her on our one free morning? If I don't at least kiss her or hug her, she will be resenting me all day long. Boy, you have a problem, Frank. All you do is try to figure out how to avoid aggravating her. You don't really love her or you wouldn't be so concerned about being a nice guy.
Frank sat up on the edge of the b e d and straightened his back, feeling the soreness in his neck, and w o n d e r e d w h a t he could look forward to today. He felt deflated and restless already. T h e m o r n i n g that had felt so fresh and bright m o m e n t s ago n o w felt all too familiar and depressing. Oh well, let's eat. He always liked breakfast. He stood up and, pulling on his robe, quietly slipped o u t of the r o o m , drawing the d o o r closed behind him.
2 WHAT
Welcome to
the
IS
Courtroom
THE
JUDGE?
of Life
You wake up in the m o r n i n g , and before you k n o w it, you feel anxious about getting out of bed and facing your day. . . .You feel guilty w h e n you heap j a m on your toast, then congratulate yourself for having only one cup of coffee. . . . W h e n you arrive at your j o b , your boss says he loves your w o r k and he can't believe he made such a good choice in hiring you. You feel your stomach tighten: you're scared you'll disappoint him. . . .You walk into your office and pick up your voice mail; your best friend has left an enthusiastic message that she got the j o b you had just applied for, and you collapse inside. . . .You don't want to call her back because you are afraid to tell her h o w envious you are. . . .You realize h o w all of your relationships are shaped by your childhood need for approval, and you can't imagine talking to anyone. . . .Later, you want to shake off the nagging uneasiness that has been building all m o r n i n g , so you decide to buy flowers for your lover but then change your m i n d because she might not like the kind you get. . . .You are reminded that she can't understand why, if you really love her, you withdraw all the time, and you can't understand either. . . .You try to work but can't concentrate on the report that's due tomorrow. As you get a candy bar from the machine, you tell yourself to snap out of it and stop being so self-indulgent. . . . You can't relax and enjoy your o w n life. T h e c o m m o n theme in this scenario is a particular kind of
14
SOUL
WITHOUT
SHAME
relationship b e t w e e n you and your experience. This relationship involves expectations, standards, e v a l u a t i o n s , j u d g m e n t s , and c o n s e quences. H o w m u c h is your response to your e x p e r i e n c e — a n d your experience itself—determined by what you expect to happen? H o w m u c h time do you spend evaluating your performance, your a p p e a r a n c e , y o u r capacity, y o u r h i s t o r y ? H o w difficult i s i t t o live u p t o t h e s t a n d a r d s y o u use t o j u d g e yourself? H o w often i s y o u r u n d e r l y i n g sense o f self d e t e r m i n e d b y y o u r n o t i o n s o f r i g h t a n d w r o n g ? T h i s i s t h e c o u r t r o o m o f life. A n d y o u are t h e o n e w h o i s o n trial. S o m e t i m e s , y o u feel a c c u s e d o f d o i n g s o m e t h i n g w r o n g o r u n t h i n k a b l e ; a t o t h e r t i m e s , y o u feel y o u h a v e b e e n c a u g h t r e d h a n d e d . S o m e t i m e s , y o u p r e s e n t a case for y o u r o w n g u i l t a n d c o r r u p t i o n ; at o t h e r times, you argue hard to justify y o u r i n n o c e n c e . S o m e t i m e s , y o u t h r e a t e n a n d w a r n y o u r s e l f o f dire c o n s e q u e n c e s for d i s o b e y i n g ; at o t h e r t i m e s , y o u confess y o u r sins in a plea for a r e d u c e d s e n t e n c e . S o m e t i m e s , y o u w e i g h the e v i d e n c e o n each side t o r e a c h a v e r d i c t ; a n d a t o t h e r t i m e s , y o u s i m p l y pass s e n t e n c e w i t h out hesitation or consideration. T h e s e activities m a k e up the judgment process, this c o u r t r o o m of life t h a t is p r e s i d e d o v e r by the judge. T h e j u d g e is a p a r t of y o u r m i n d . I t i s e m b e d d e d i n i d e a s , t h o u g h t s , beliefs, i m a g e s , a n d i n t e r nal v o i c e s . A t t h e s a m e t i m e , i t also lives t h r o u g h y o u r b o d y a n d y o u r e n e r g y . T h e j u d g e i s a m a s t e r o f w o r d s , a n d y e t y o u c a n feel i t i n y o u r belly y o u r shoulders, and y o u r j a w w i t h o u t any awareness o f w o r d s . T h e j u d g e i s b o t h p e r v a s i v e a n d invisible. I t s p e a k s t o y o u f r o m c o m m e r c i a l s o n T V , m a g a z i n e ads, a n d movies, a s w e l l a s f r o m t h e e x p r e s s i o n o n y o u r p a r t n e r ' s face, t h e d i r t y d i s h e s i n t h e sink, a n d the t o n e in y o u r supervisor's voice. I t has access t o a s t o r e h o u s e o f l e a r n e d i n f o r m a t i o n . T h i s i s t h e a c c u m u l a t i o n o f all t h e k n o w l e d g e y o u b e l i e v e y o u n e e d t o b e s u c cessful, safe, s u p p o r t e d , r e c o g n i z e d , a n d l o v e d i n t h e w o r l d . TJie j u d g e sets t h e s t a n d a r d s for w h a t w i l l m a k e y o u a g o o d , a c c e p t a b l e , ^and h a p p y p e r s o n ^ O f c o u r s e . itTlso has s t a n d a r d s t o r e v e r y f J o d y ^ l ^ Its v o i c e g u i d e s y o u r e x t e r n a l life, c o n s c i o u s l y a n d u n c o n s c i o u s l y , t h r o u g h o p i n i o n s , a d v i c e , w a r n i n g s , s u g g e s t i o n s , beliefs, e v a l u a t i o n s , a n d a d m o n i s h m e n t s a b o u t all aspects o f y o u r b e h a v i o r . A n d a s
What
Is
the Judge?
15
t h o u g h this w e r e n ' t e n o u g h , t h e j u d g e d i r e c t s n e a r l y all a s p e c t s o f y o u r i n n e r life as well.
Comparison
and Judgment
In addition to setting standards, a n o t h e r activity integral to t h e j u d g m e n t process is c o m p a r i s o n . Your j u d g e doesn't only evaluate you acXQJ^-iug t o tts s t a n d a r d s , i t also c o n s t a n t l y c o m p a r e s y o u w i t h o t h e r ^people to
^™1'T3<-^
y o u r w o r t h . C o m p a r i s o n is a v e r y c l o s e c o u s i n
o f s e l f - j u d g m e n t . I n fact, y o u c a n b e s u r e t h a t i t y o u are e n g a g e d i n c o m p a r i s o n , j u d g m e n t i s g o i n g o n . T h e j u d g e uses b o t h o f t h e m ^ i n t e r c h a n g e a b l y t o a c h i e v e its d e s i r e d effect. E v e n w h e n y o u are d o i n g well a c c o r d i n g t o o n e s t a n d a r d , y o u c a n always b e c o m p a r e d t o s o m e o n e else w h o i s d o i n g b e t t e r . A n d w h e n y o u are d o i n g b e t t e r t h a n t h o s e a r o u n d y o u , y o u c a n still b e j u d g e d against a s t a n d a r d o f g r e a t e r p e r f e c t i o n . S o m e p e o p l e feel m o r e a t t h e m e r c y o f c o m p a r i s o n , a n d o t h e r s are m o r e s u b j e c t t o i n t e r n a l s t a n d a r d s , b u t e v e r y o n e deals w i t h b o t h . i
t
L i v ^ Y i n "T^^i-n s,o'~ ^ ~y " ^ i n comparison
through
commercial
g
constantly b e i n g subjected to
a d v e r t i s i n g , social
intercourse,
popular e n t e r t a i n m e n t , and the pressure to succeed in your w o r k . It 7
i s h a r d t o i m a g i n e e n g a g i n g i n a n y activity w i t h o u t s o m e e x p e r i e n c e o f c o m p a r i s o n . I t i s t h e basis o f t h e c o m p e t i t i o n t h a t i s i n t e gral t o W e s t e r n life. N o o n e w o u l d d e n y its usefulness i n d r i v i n g d o w n prices, inspiring great athletic achievements, stimulating scientific d i s c o v e r i e s , a n d i m p r o v i n g m a n y a s p e c t s o f o u r w o r l d . H o w ever, c o m p a r i s o n b e c o m e s s e l f - d e s t r u c t i v e w h e n i t b e c o m e s t h e l e n s t h r o u g h w h i c h y o u e x p e r i e n c e yourself. I n this r e a l m , i t b e c o m e s a t o o l o f t h e j u d g e . T h e result i s c o n s t a n t ^ I f - a s s e s s m e n t relative t o t h e b e h a v i o r a n d a p p e a r a n c e o f o t h e r s a t t h e e x p e n s e o f ali^mrTg~wii-h
th^
r
^ n t - t w v f y o u r ™* n
fxprrWnve
V i e w i n g y o u r life t h r o u g h t h e l e n s o f c o m p a r i s o n o r i e n t s y o u a w a y from y o u r soul n a t u r e . W i t h t h e j u d g e i n ó o n t r o l , c o m p a r i s o n i s always o r i e n t e d t o w a r d d e t e r m i n i n g w o r t h o r v a l u e — t h a t is, w h o i s " b e t t e r " T h i s m e a n s t h a t i f y o u are differerfTTToiii s o m e o n e i n s o m e respect, t h e n o n e of y o u must be better than the o t h e r . T h i s is t h e insidious n a t u r e of j u d g m e n t a l c o m p a r i s o n , in w h i c h difference
Soui. W I T H O U T
16
SHAME
is always an indication of relative value. T h e j u d g e wants to k n o w w h o is right, w h o is better, and why. It is not interested in u n d e r standing the complexities or subtleties of w h y things are the way they are. In particular, j u d g m e n t a l comparison never takes into account the soul, w h i c h by its nature has implicit value unrelated to any other soul, ^ouls cannot be compared in value or goodness, rio" matter h o w one" may differ from another. Even i n s e l f - e x p l o r a d o n , the t e n d e n c y is for the j u d g e to use comparison to devalue and trivialize your present experience by criticizing you for being or a f ing th^ SrH " as you always have. O r it will sav you are d o m g worse PT berrerj-ban before, as if the value of your present experience could be measured by its relationship to what happened in the past, judgmental corpp-^Hsyn prwdT
lp
bility ofTreshness and spontaneity w h e n it is continually applied to feelings, actions, and interactions.The soul cannot bring forth alive ness and openness in an atmosphere of comparison and j u d g m e n t . Understanding h o w these related processes maintain a grip on your life and imprison you in the world of the past is an important step in freeing yourself of self-judgment.
Life
Lessons
Carol was in her thirties and had no partner to share her life with. No matter h o w m u c h she believed in the value of her career as a university professor, it did not offset the deficiency she felt about her inability to be in a successful intimate relationship. W h e n e v e r she was about to date someone new, she felt excited and optimistic. B u t as soon as the connection began, she became plagued with doubts and questions: Does he like me? H o w did I appear to him? Was I too interested and asking too many questions? W h a t if he doesn't call me again? Should I call him? H o w c o m e he didn't ask me about my life? Maybe I seem too boring. And so on. W h e n she recognized that she had b e c o m e obsessed with the relationship after only o n e date, she w o u l d decide that it had b e c o m e too important and that her neediness would surely wreck any possibility of the man's liking her. She would d e t e r m i n e not to let her needs show. This meant that Carol had to act aloof and
What
Is
the judge?
17
u n e m o t i o n a l i n s u b s e q u e n t e n c o u n t e r s , a n d t h e m a n w o u l d find h e r c o n t r o l l e d a n d r a t h e r d u l l . A s a result, h e r c o n n e c t i o n s w i t h m e n n e v e r s e e m e d t o last m o r e t h a n t h r e e o r f o u r d a t e s , a n d s h e c o u l d n e v e r u n d e r s t a n d h o w t o c h a n g e this o u t c o m e . C a r o l felt c a u g h t i n a p a i n t u l c y c l e . S h e c o u l d see n o w a y o u t a n d telt w o r t h l e s s . S h e often sank i n t o p e r i o d s o f d e p r e s s i o n a n d h o p e l e s s n e s s d u r i n g w h i c h s h e a v o i d e d all social c o n t a c t e x c e p t w i t h a f e w c l o s e w o m e n friends. Self-blame can be transformed only by c o m i n g to understand h o w y o u r sense o t w h o y o u are a n d t h e o p t i o n s o p e n t o y o u i s d e t e r m i n e d b y y o u r past e x p e r i e n c e s a n d beliefs. I n o r d e r t o d o this, y o u w i J l n e e d to explore some important questions. C a n you recognize h o w y o u d e f i n e y o u r s e l f t h r o u g h a f a m i l i a r p a t t e r n o f feelings, c o n flicts, b e h a v i o r s , a n d a s s u m p t i o n s ? H o w d i d y o u l e a r n t o k n o w y o u r self this way? W i l l y o u always f i g h t t h e s a m e b a t t l e s t o p r o v e y o u r w o r t h , g a i n o t h e r s ^ l o v e , a n d teel d e s e r v i n g o f rest a n d r e l a x a t i o n ? I s t h e r e a n y p a r t o f y o u t h a t i s n o t s u b j e c t t o c r i t i q u e b y i n n e r voices? R e l i e f from y o u r suffering is n o t a m a t t e r of g e t t i n g b e t t e r at w h a t you think you need to do. It is about finding out h o w you ended u p w h e r e y o u are i n t h e f i r s t p l a c e .
Inner
Work
E v e r y o n e t r i e s t o live a fulfilling a n d r e w a r d i n g l i f e . T h i s m e a n s t a k i n g care of the physical necessities of s u r v i v i n g a n d p r o s p e r i n g : e a r n ing a living, m a i n t a i n i n g shelter a n d clothing, b u y i n g a n d c o o k i n g food, getting e n o u g h sleep a n d exercise, a n d so o n . In addition, h u m a n b e i n g s n a t u r a l l y s e e k a sense o f ease a n d e n j o y m e n t i n t h e i r life a l o n e a n d w i t h o t h e r s . F o r s o m e , this
means
p u r s u i n g active
and
dedicated inner
w o r k — s u c h as understanding motivations and longings, developi n g a w a r e n e s s a n d sensitivity, a n d e x p l o r i n g m e m o r i e s a n d i m a g i n a t i o n — t o u n d e r s t a n d a n d e n r i c h w h a t i t m e a n s t o live a h u m a n l i f e . T h e fact t h a t y o u are r e a d i n g this b o o k i n d i c a t e s y o u are o n e o f these people.Your inner w o r k may take the f o r m of psychotherapy, a self-help g r o u p , j o u r n a l i n g , personal exploration, or s o m e k i n d of
18
SOUL
WITHOUT
SHAML
spiritual practice, such as meditation. Whatever the form, attention to your personal inner p r o c e s s — h o w you think and feel about yourself and your life—makes you aware of forces that shape that process.The j u d g e is one of the most powerful of these forces. If you pursue inner work, you can only go so far w i t h o u t coining to terms with this ever-present c o m p a n i o n , also referred to as the superego, the inner critic, or top dog. Often, the voice of the j u d g e appears as your own voice: you are the one w h o has these notions about what isjiecessary. w h a t is right, or wnat things mean. However, b y p a y m ^ a t t e n t i o n to your self-judgment, you will recognize that your standards are learned from others, and they can run counter to^what you yourself vyant, l e e T o r k n o w to_br true. If you see this, you will realize that the voic e you hear is not yours. It belongs to a familiar c o m p a n i o n w h o lives inside you, s o m e o n e you have brought along on this j o u r n e y of life. A n d yet even w h e n you realize the voice is not yours, you can't separate from it. It seems to live u n d e r your skin, in your joints, behind your eyes. You watch yourself mercilessly keeping track of the pluses and minuses in your daily behavior. You w a t c h j j t h e r s as well. Sometimes, yon feel watched by those around you—friends, family, or strangers—and you fear their disapproval, rejection, or indifference. You withdraw. T h e n you realize you are seeing your o w n j u d g e outside in others as well as hearing it inside. You begin to recognize h o w little control you have over this j u d g m e n t process. W h e t h e r you are the watcher or the watched, you are at the mercy of a critical, punitive attitude, for this kind of watching is inherently a manifestation of self-distrust and self-hatred.
The Judge
Runs
the
Show
T h e j u d g e overrides your inherent intelligence and your direct response to life by superimposing its beliefs about what is real. It is a warped lens that distorts reality. Because of this distorted perception, you have c o m e to distrust your intuitive contact with life. In fact, you have lost any sense of what direct contact with living means. You have b e c o m e d e p e n d e n t on the j u d g e (and those for w h o m it speaks: parents, society, God) to give your life meaning, sig-
What
Is
the Judge?
19
n i f i c a n c e , a n d d i r e c t i o n . I t tells y o u w h a t t o e x p e r i e n c e , h o w t o e x p e r i e n c e it, w h y y o u e x p e r i e n c e it, w h a t t h e e x p e r i e n c e m e a n s , a n d w h a t y o u n e e d t o d o a b o u t it. M o s t o f this p r o c e s s i s invisible t o y o u , o r u n c o n s c i o u s , a n d t h e result s e e m s p e r f e c t l y n o r m a l . E v e n i n r e a d i n g t h e s e w o r d s , t h e w a y y o u are t a k i n g t h e m i n — w h e t h e r t h e y t o u c h y o u o r n o t , a n d h o w y o u are r e s p o n d i n g t o t h e m — i s affected b y y o u r j u d g e . T h o u g h i t acts a s i t i t w e r e h e l p i n g y o u g e t w h a t y o u w a n t i n life, t h e j u d g e a c t u a l l y resists y o u r m o v e m e n t t o w a r d g r o w t h a n d d e v e l o p m e n t . Its f u n c t i o n i s t o m a i n t a i n t h e status q u o i n t w o w a y s : It keeps you a w a y u o m w h a t it considers to be dangerous or u n m a n a g e a b l e p a r t s o f yourself. A n d i t d i r e c t s y o u t o w a r d w h a t e v e r ideals it feels will m a k e y o u an a c c e p t a b l e , successful p e r s o n . It c o n s t a n t l y a d m o n i s h e s y o u , " D o n t d o t h a t ; d o this!
Y e t b e c a u s e its d e m a n d s
are n e v e r - e n d i n g , t h e a c t u a l f e e l i n g y o u are left w i t h i s " I a m n o t g o o d e n o u g h , a n d I n e v e r will b e " B u t the judge's impact on change is even m o r e insidious and u n d e r m i n i n g . I t tells y o u / ' C h a n g e . Y o u ' r e n o t e n o u g h . Y o u n e e d t o J
g e t b e t t e r t o r p e o p l e t o like, a c c e p t , a n d l o v e y o u — w h i l e also sayi n g , " Y o u will never s u c c e e d a t c h a n g i n g . Y o u r e d e f i c i e n t . Y o u haven't got w h a t it takes." H o w e v e r , s h o u l d y o u actually c o m e to a p l a c e w h e r e real c h a n g e i s possible a n d y o u c o u l d c h o o s e t o act differently, t h e j u d g e w i l l scare y o u b y t a u n t i n g . " P e o p l e w o n ' t like y o u or s u p p o r t you it you change; they'll t u r n their backs on you, a n d y o u w i l l b e all a l o n e . " Y o u r e d a m n e d i f y o u d o a n d d a m n e d i f y o u don't. T h e m o r e y o u r e c o g n i z e a n d feel t r a p p e d b y this s i t u a t i o n , t h e m o r e a n a t u r a l r e s p o n s e arises: " I w a n t o u t . I w a n t s p a c e f r o m this t a s k m a s t e r I c a r r y a r o u n d i n s i d e . " A n d e v e n a s y o u s u i t e r a n d crave relief, [you find it h a r d n o t to b e l i e v e w h a t it is t e l l i n g you.^j
The Judge Has
Many
Faces
O n e r e a s o n y o u c o n t i n u e t o b e l i e v e w h a t t h e j u d g e says i s t h a t i t takes o n m a n y i m p o r t a n t roles for y o u . T h e s e roles c l o t h e i t s j u d g m e n t a l a t t i t u d e i n a t t r a c t i v e guises. S e l f - d i s c o v e r y r e q u i r e s d i s r o b i n g t h e j u d g e a n d e x p o s i n g t h e t r u t h a b o u t h o w i t affects y o u r life.
20
SOUL
W I T H O LIT
SHAME
You must begin by seeing its apparel—the roles within which it hides. T h e j u d g e is a conscience that helps you distinguish right from wrong. It is a motivator to push and persuade you to act in your life. It is a guard that stops inappropriate feelings and behavior. It is a counselor for support in m a k i n g decisions. It is a guide that provides direction as you make your way. It is an authority figure offering recognition and approval. It is a yardstick for measuring your progress. A n d last, it is a mirror that reflects back to you w h o you think you are. Each person needs help in these ways.What you were not taught while growing up was h o w to discover the true source of these functions in your o w n soul.Your true nature has the potential to meet all these needs, but only if the qualities necessary to do that are recognized as existing in you. W h e n you were a y o u n g child, it was important that parents or responsible adults were there to fulfill these roles. As you grew up and became responsible for yourself, you had to find ways to meet these needs on your own. U n f o r t u nately, you got little if any support in recognizing and developing your o w n inherent capacities.You had little choice but to internalize your parental role models in the form of the judge. You may not be happy with the way it performs these important functions, but you are familiar with your judge, and you k n o w that it is d e p e n d able and will always be there for you. Lest we forget, the j u d g e is not bad or evil, or even useless. N o n e of us would have survived into adulthood w i t h o u t a j u d g e ; our society would not be as civilized as it is w i t h o u t the judge's constant presence. Each of us will need a j u d g e until we find a source of effortless functioning, direct knowing, and objective conscience inside ourselves. In the meantime, the j u d g e is all most people have to get the j o b done. However, it is also mechanical, restrictive, inefficient, and insensitive; it does a p o o r j o b of supporting the life of the soul. T h o u g h the j u d g e has no sense of you as a living soul, it does have much information about your life in the world: your habits, behaviors, preferences, weaknesses, strengths, friends, and enemies. N o t m u c h slips past its watchful eve.This fact makes it very p o w e r -
What / . Í the Judge?
21
ful. I n fact, t h e j u d g e o f t e n m a k e s a c c u r a t e o b s e r v a t i o n s a b o u t w h a t you have and haven't d o n e . You need that kind of k n o w l e d g e to g r o w a n d m a t u r e . H o w e v e r , t h e j u d g e ' s o b s e r v a t i o n s always c o m e a t a p r i c e . T h e y are n o t freely g i v e n s o y o u c a n l e a r n t h e t r u t h . T h e y are t h r u s t u p o n y o u t o c o n v i n c e y o u t h a t y o u d o n ' t m e a s u r e u p . T h e t r a p is, u n l e s s y o u l e a r n t o d i s e n g a g e from t h e j u d g e , t h e r e is no way to take in the observations w i t h o u t the j u d g m e n t a l p a c k a g i n g . I t y o u see t h a t y o u h a v e b e h a v e d i n s u c h a n d s u c h a way, t h e n y o u a c c e p t t h a t y o u are this o r t h a t k i n d o f p e r s o n . T h e a s s e s s m e n t o f y o u r v a l u e i s always e m b e d d e d i n t h e e x t e r n a l facts o f y o u r life. You can't separate o n e from t h e other. You d o n ' t even w a n t to sepa r a t e t h e m b e c a u s e y o u are afraid t h a t y o u w o u l d h a v e n o v a l u e at all! F o r this r e a s o n , r e c o g n i z i n g t h a t i t h i n d e r s , l i m i t s , a n d e v e n h u r t s y o u g e n e r a l l y has little effect o n t h e h a b i t u a l activity o f t h e j u d g e : r e c o g n i t i o n just makes y o u m o r e aware o f y o u r o w n helplessness. O n e of the greatest dangers of b e c o m i n g aware ot self-judgment a n d its n e g a t i v e eflects i s t h a t t h a t a w a r e n e s s will b e c o m e t h e basis o t m o r e s e l f - j u d g m e n t . Y o u will j u d g e y o u r s e l f for h a v i n g a j u d g e ! N e v e r t h e l e s s , i n spite o f t h e h o p e l e s s n e s s o r s e l f - c r i t i c i s m t h a t m a y c o m e w i t h it, a w a r e n e s s o f t h e reality o f v o u r e x p e r i e n c e w i t h t h e j u d g e i s vital. F o r m o s t o f v o u r l i f e , y o u h a v e lived w i t h t h e j u d g e , a n d i n m a n y cases, y o u h a v e felt m o t i v a t e d , p r o t e c t e d , d i s c i p l i n e d , a n d g u i d e d b y its p r e s e n c e . T h i s s i t u a t i o n has b e e n m a i n t a i n e d b y a n u n c o n s c i o u s n e s s a b o u t w h a t w a s o c c u r r i n g . F o r t h e selfj u d g m e n t d y n a m i c t o c h a n g e , t h e first s t e p m u s t b e a w a r e n e s s . So we begin w i t h a definition: T h e j u d g e is the force in you that constantly evaluates and assesses your w o r t h as a h u m a n being and thus limits your capacity to be fully alive in the present m o m e n t .
Awareness begins the process of disentangling y o u r w o r t h from t h e facts o f y o u r life. I t i s t r u e t h a t y o u h a v e skills a n d c a p a c i t i e s t o develop as you g r o w and that you must learn from your experience i n o r d e r t o m a k e sensible a n d i n f o r m e d c h o i c e s . B u t y o u r v a l u e i s n o t d e p e n d e n t o n a c h i e v e m e n t o r a p p r o v a l . T h e j u d g e leads y o u t o
22
SOUL
WITHOUT
SHAME
b e l i e v e t h a t y o u are s u b j e c t t o e v a l u a t i o n a n d i m p r o v e m e n t r a t h e r t h a n h a v i n g i n h e r e n t value a n d w o r t h . Implicit in this belief is t h e j u d g e ' s a s s u m p t i o n t h a t y o u r v a l u e i s c o n d i t i o n a l , t h a t y o u are worthless on your own: you need to accomplish, you need to change, you need correction, you need to be watched, you need direction, y o u n e e d a kick in t h e butt!
The Judge Doesn't Tell
the Whole Truth
T h e m o r e y o u k n o w a b o u t t h e j u d g e , t h e m o r e y o u realize i t i s c e n tral t o y o u r d e f i n i t i o n o f y o u r s e l f . Y o u m e a s u r e y o u r o w n w o r t h a n d s u b s t a n c e b y e v a l u a t i n g y o u r s e l f a g a i n s t its s t a n d a r d s . T h e m o r e y o u know
7
yourself, t h e m o r e y o u s e e t h a t this k i n d o f e v a l u a t i o n has
m a j o r n e g a t i v e c o n s e q u e n c e s . Y o u are u s e d t o t h i n k i n g o f y o u r s e l f i n d i s p a r a g i n g t e r m s — i n c l u d i n g p u t - d o w n s y o u w o u l d scarcely a l l o w s o m e o n e else t o say t o y o u o r w o u l d n e v e r say t o o t h e r s b e c a u s e t h e y are t o o u n k i n d . F u r t h e r m o r e , y o u r a t t e m p t s t o a v o i d d i s p a r a g e m e n t inevitably c o m p e l y o u to strive to i m p r o v e yourself so y o u can measure up to those same standards. W h a t c a n o n e d o t o c o u n t e r a c t t h e effects o f s u c h n e g a t i v e c o n d i t i o n i n g ? M o s t p e o p l e a r e c o n v i n c e d t h a t y o u n e e d large a n d c o n t i n u i n g doses of positive r e i n f o r c e m e n t a n d affirming j u d g m e n t s to offset s u c h a n e g a t i v e s e l f - i m a g e . P a r e n t s f o c u s o n b e i n g p o s i t i v e a n d c o m p l i m e n t a r y a b o u t everything a child does. Friends try hard to say p o s i t i v e t h i n g s t o t h o s e w h o b e r a t e t h e m s e l v e s . P e o p l e w i t h l o w s e l f - e s t e e m p r a c t i c e a f f i r m a t i o n s daily t o t r y t o r e p r o g r a m t h e i r beliefs. T h e a t t e m p t i s t o i n t e r n a l i z e a j u d g e t h a t will g i v e y o u approval and recognition instead of disapproval a n d rejection. If y o u are t r u t h f u l , y o u w i l l see t h a t y o u f e r v e n t l y h o p e t h e p o s i t i v e r e g a r d o f t h e j u d g e w i l l e v e n t u a l l y r e p l a c e its n e g a t i v e a t t e n t i o n . T h e p r o b l e m w i t h this a p p r o a c h i s t h a t i t s i m p l y s u b s t i t u t e s a g o o d j u d g m e n t for a b a d o n e . I t i s n o t f o c u s e d o n a f f i r m i n g o r e v e n recognizing w h a t is true b u t simply counteracting or o v e r c o m i n g a n e g a t i v e a s s e s s m e n t . T h e fact o f j u d g m e n t r e m a i n s u n c h a n g e d . I n o t h e r w o r d s , y o u are still b a s i n g y o u r s e l f - w o r t h o n e x t e r n a l o r i n t e r n a l i z e d s t a n d a r d s . Y o u are s e e k i n g a p p r o v a l r a t h e r t h a n c r i t i cism. W h a t is missing is t h e direct e x p e r i e n c e in y o u of y o u r o w n
What
Is the Judge?
23
worth. Positive j u d g m e n t can expose the unconscious acceptance of inner devaluation. It can make you feel better, providing temporary relief from the berating of your j u d g e . It can also reflect wdrat you have at some time experienced to be true (such as a deep insight, a m o m e n t ot bliss, or an openness from meditation). All of these are important and useful at times. But even powerful experiences of truth don't change l o n g held beliefs about the self unless they are taken into the soul and understood. Simply using the insight as a n e w standard or belief does not accomplish this. Understanding and integrating an e x p e rience means recognizing the implications that this new awareness has on your experience of your life as you learn to live in accordance with it. Positive j u d g m e n t only superimposes a new belief about y o u r self on top of an old one. It tries to assert something that is not an expression ot what you experience as truth. It can never root out the original conviction ot your own lack of worth. This is why you will often find yourself distrusting the praise of others, making inner c o m m e n t s like, " T h e fact that they say that shows they don't k n o w me very well!"The fact is, positive judgment is like makeup: it must always be reapplied, and a good hard rain will wash it away. T h e only real alternative to self-judgment is knowing the truth about w h o you are. If you have a deep belief that you are worthless, you must discover where that belief came from and why you believe that it is true. Until you understand that, n o t h i n g fundamentally will change. O n c e you k n o w deep inside you, with a direct and felt sense, that you have inherent value and are fully acceptable to yourself, then you will begin to free yourself from the need for positive j u d g m e n t and approval, from others or from your own j u d g e . T h e path to truly k n o w i n g w h o you are requires challenging the presence of the judge. You must find the courage and wisdom, the determination and clarity the compassion and desire to see what the truth is and stay with the process of supporting that truth. All these qualities are needed to make space for your own experience, regardless of w h e t h e r you consider it good or bad, right or wrong, joyous or painful. Otherwise, your feelings of shame, guilt, wrongness, and selfishness provoked by your j u d g e will make it
24
SOUL
WITHOUT
SHAME
impossible to stay with the richness, challenge, and mystery of what you find. T h e process you are setting in m o t i o n in the first few chapters of this b o o k will bring you into m o r e awareness of and contact w i t h your judge, w h i c h means you will be m o r e vulnerable to the feeling of being attacked. This is not enjoyable or comfortable. Your j u d g e will say that it is bad and must be avoided. But if you are willing to bring the j u d g m e n t experience into consciousness and be compassionate and strong in supporting your growing openness and vulnerability, you can undertake this work in a meaningful way.This inner work is what will reconnect you with your soul nature; through it, you will discover a true guide for living and u n d e r standing your life, one that can replace the j u d g e you have grown up with. Your true guide arises spontaneously through your contact with and awareness of your own life; this guide responds to the truth of w h o you are and what is n e e d e d . T h e practice of w o r k i n g with your j u d g e is thus simultaneously immediate and l o n g - t e r m . You must confront the j u d g e as you live your life now; otherwise, j u d g e work will remain a good idea saved for some future time. On the other hand, the process is never finished; it will continue t h r o u g h o u t your life, for the judge's influence runs deep in your soul and impacts you with amazing subtlety. T h e j o u r n e y is not easy, but few others are m o r e rewarding in expanding your sense of w h o you are and in allowing you to live a full and meaningful life.
POINTS TO REMEMBER • T h e j u d g e is the force in you that constantly evaluates and assesses your w o r t h as a h u m a n being and thus limits your capacity to be fully alive in the present m o m e n t . • T h e judge's voice guides your life, consciously and unconsciously, through opinions, advice, warnings, suggestions, beliefs, evaluations, and admonishments about all aspects of your behavior and your inner life. • T h e judge's function is to maintain the status q u o in two ways: It
What
Is the Judge?
25
keeps you away from what it considers to be dangerous or unmanageable parts of yourself And it directs you toward w h a t ever ideals it feels will make you an acceptable, successful person. Self-judgment is based on the accumulation of all the knowledge you believe you need to be successful, safe, supported, recognized, and loved in the world. C o m p a r i s o n is a very close cousin of self-judgment. It is useful for improving many aspects of our world. However, c o m p a r ison becomes self-destructive w h e n it becomes constant selfassessment relative to the behavior and appearance of others at the expense of aligning with the truth of your o w n experience. T h e j u d g e overrides your inherent intelligence and your direct response to life by superimposing its beliefs about what is m e a n ingful and real. Its standards are learned from others, and they can run counter to what you yourself want, feel, or k n o w to be true. O n e ot the greatest dangers of b e c o m i n g aware of self-judgment and its negative effects is that that awareness will b e c o m e the basis of more self-judgment. Positive j u d g m e n t can expose the unconscious acceptance of inner devaluation, but it can never root out the original conviction of your o w n lack of w o r t h . J u d g m e n t , comparison, and self-blame can be transformed only by c o m i n g to understand h o w your sense of w h o you are and the options open to you is determined by your past experiences and beliefs. O n c e you k n o w deep inside you, with a direct and felt sense, that you have inherent value and are fully acceptable to yourself, then you will begin to free yourself from the need for positive j u d g m e n t and approval, from others or from your o w n j u d g e . Your true guide arises spontaneously through your contact with and awareness of your own lite; this guide responds to the truth of w h o you are and what is needed.
SOUL
26
WITHOUT
SHAME
EXERCISE: OBSERVING Y O U R MOTIVATIONS Step 1.
C h o o s e one day to focus on what motivates your various activities and behaviors. In particular, you want to observe h o w you tend to navigate between criticism and the need for approval.
Step 2. At the end of the day, make two lists. O n e consists of all activities motivated by the desire to avoid criticism. Separate those activities aimed at avoiding the criticism of o t h ers from those aimed at avoiding self-criticism.The second list consists of actions motivated by the desire to gain approval. Separate it the same way between the desire for others' approval and the desire for self-approval. Step 3.
C o m p a r e the two parts of each list to see which activities are directed toward others and wTiich are directed toward your o w n j u d g e . Do they overlap? Is your avoidance-ofcriticism list longer than your desire-for-approval list, or vice versa? Why?
The superego is a structure that forms the apex of the psychic structure and includes the ideals of the personality and the principles of judgment. It is the seat of what is customarily called the conscience. It develops mainly by internalizing and identifying with the prohibitions, rules, values, and preferences of the parents and society at large. . . . From our perspective, the superego is the inner coercive agency that stands against the expansion of awareness and inner development, regardless of how mild or reasonable it becomes. It is a substitute, and a cruel one, for direct perception and knowledge. Inner development requires that in time there be no internal coercive agencies. There will be instead inner regulation based on objective perception, understanding, and love. The best approach is to decrease the power and influence of the superego and to replace it with awareness as much as possible, all the way to the final and complete dethronement of the superego. — A. H. Almaas, Essence, pp. 1 34, 1 37
Frank washed the sleep from his eyes and gazed at his reflection in the b a t h r o o m mirror. His hair sticking up in all directions r e m i n d e d h i m of his father's saying he looked like a rooster in the m o r n i n g . As he leaned closer, he was aware of all the familiar aspects of his face: his b r o k e n nose b e n t slightly to the right, w h i c h always b o t h e r e d h i m w h e n he looked in the mirror; the dusting of freckles on his cheeks and the dimples framing his m o u t h — t h o s e * boyish" qualities he had mixed feelings about; his hazel eyes set back deep in his face, o v e r h u n g by sparse, lengthy eyebrows that curled d o w n and caught on his eyelashes in a way that often annoyed h i m ; the lines across his forehead by n o w p e r m a nently etched, t h o u g h he w o u l d often r u b his fingers over t h e m , a t t e m p t i n g w i t h d e t e r m i n e d pressure to erase t h e m . His hairline h a d receded a b o u t an inch, and the t e r r i t o r y of his scalp was infiltrated with w h i t e settlers equal in n u m b e r to the original dark inhabitants. l
You look a lot older than you used to. Injact,you look a lot like yourfather now, you realize that? Even the way you run your hands through your hair and rub your chin. The worst thing, though, is how you pick your nose like him. I can't believe you have never learned to stop doing that. It's so disgusting! Frank observed the hairs sticking out of his nostrils and wished his fingers didn't enjoy scraping the inside ot his nose so m u c h . He reached d o w n and picked up his electric razor, flicked it on, a n d carefully t r i m m e d his nose hairs and t h e n his eyebrow hairs. He p o n d e r e d the state of his unshaved chin and decided to stay w i t h the Indiana Jones look today. Go ahead, be a slob. After all, it's Saturday, and no one will care. Besides, you love any excuse to be lazy. Frank was used to trying to ignore his j u d g e , p r e t e n d i n g w h a t it said didn't matter.Today, he realized that feigned indifference never w o r k e d ; he was just feeling w i t h d r a w n and hollow inside. L o o k i n g at himself in the mirror, he began to w o n d e r w h a t he was l o o k i n g at besides the b o d y he k n e w so well with all the stories and j u d g m e n t s associated with it. Was there anything else there? Frank l o o k e d into his eyes and w o n d e r e d what he was seeing. Was it just the analytic gaze of his o w n j u d g e ? Or was he seeing sadness and fear? Perhaps there was n o t h i n g there but emptiness. Slowly, it b e c a m e clear that Frank was seeing curiosity in the eyes w a t c h i n g h i m — a curious being clothed in a familiar body. He felt as if that curiosity were h i m .
3 TR.IIE AND
NATURE PvEALITY
T w o C O N C E P T S R E F E R R E D T O t h r o u g h o u t this b o o k that are fundamental to the perspective of the soul are true nature (with its related essential qualities) and reality. T h e y are not specifically defined because they are m o r e directions for exploration and revelation than terms with a single definition. By the time you have finished reading and working with this book, you will have experienced each of these concepts for yourself For now, I will say a few things to o r i ent your consideration.
True
Nature
True nature refers to the essence of you as a h u m a n being. It is the experience of w h o you are that is not related to your physical dimensions or characteristics, not defined by your emotional propensities or personality type, n o t a result of your particular history and conditioning, and not affected by your beliefs or opinions. It is the ground of the soul, the heart of your own living c o n sciousness. W h e n you meet s o m e o n e and you don't k n o w a name or anything about the person, what is it that you are meeting? You see a b o d y and hear a voice, listen to stories and watch behavior patterns. B u t is there something m o r e fundamental and c o m m o n to all h u m a n beings that you can be aware of in this person? W h e n s o m e one says,"After all, we are all h u m a n beings," what does that mean?
30
SOUL
WITHOUT
SHAME
We all share something that allows us to respond to a story from a primitive tribe in Africa or a myth arising out of ancient Japan.We are all linked by these experiences of being human, no matter what our family, racial, or religious background; physical characteristics; psychological development; or education. Some spiritual traditions refer to true nature as Being or E s s e n c e — t h e essence of what we are beneath our individual histories. True nature also reters to the part of you that is most p e r m a nent, unchanging, and central in denning w h o you are. In general, you consider your body, your personal history, and your emotional makeup to be the most distinctive and unchanging aspects of your experience of yourself. These aspects in one way or another seem to define w h o you are, distinguishing you from other people and setting limits on h o w m u c h you can change. F u r t h e r m o r e , they are so familiar you can't imagine experiencing yourself without them. But are they w h o you are? Or are you something more fundamental k n o w n through or beyond these traits? "I am a forty-five-year-old m a n . curly haired, slender of build, fair-skinned, and flat-footed. I am intelligent, even-tempered, and slow to express emotions. I was born in Canada to parents of Scottish and G e r m a n heritage. I have been a dancer and a typesetter, and n o w I am a spiritual teacher." I can be defined by any or all of these descriptive elements, which, except for my age, will not likely change. T h o u g h I may think of myself in these wavs, these facts define only the outer Iaver of m e . T h e y are not what I k n o w as me. I k n o w myself most intimately through an immediate awareness of my own p r e s e n c e — a core sense that "I am here now." This inner sense also contains the feeling of self-recognition: "This is me." Ultimately, you k n o w yourself through this inner sense or perception of your own existence. T h a t never changes; as long as you are alive, you can sense your existence and your "youness." And w h a t ever arises in you can be felt as an expression of your presence in your own life.This is your true nature, that which makes you unique and gives you kinship with all other h u m a n beings. Because the soul is pure consciousness, its true nature, its defining and unchanging core, is beyond the physical body, with its intellect and emotions, and beyond your accumulated history.The soul's
True
Nature
and
Reality
31
true nature exists most fundamentally as a nowness; it is a nature that does not depend on the past or the future, nor does it depend on the experience ot being a physical body.The more you have a sense of yourself as soul, the more you are aware that w h o you truly are is not really defined by your body. N e i t h e r is it defined by what you have learned or known in the past. W h o you are is something m u c h m o r e intimate and immediate and something m u c h m o r e mysterious and harder to define. To be aware of this is to begin to open to the true nature of the soul, your o w n beingness now in your life. T h o u g h it is a c o m m o n birthright of all people, true nature manifests uniquely in each person through the soul. Furthermore, that uniqueness of the soul is inherent in w h o you are at birth: it is not achieved, nor can it be destroyed, and it is not dependent on your appearance or anything you do. You can, however, lose t o u c h with your true nature-—or even forget that it exists. Do you believe in such a thing as the soul's true nature? This b o o k assumes that it exists—that as a h u m a n being you did not begin life as the proverbial blank slate ready to be written on or lump of clay ready to be shaped by your upbringing. T h e existence of true nature means you have implicit qualities or capacities beyond those learned or instilled in you as you grow.True nature is the spiritual foundation of the soul, and thus it underlies your psychic reality, and the judge in particular. However, you need not believe in true nature to find this b o o k of use; just take it as an interesting hypothesis and see what happens. I encourage you to be o p e n to this perspective and observe h o w it affects you and relates to your o w n experience. Essential qualities are elements of your true nature—-attributes essential to what is most true in the experience of being h u m a n . These qualities include truth, joy, compassion, will, strength, and peace, to name only a tew.They are not mental descriptions of e x p e rience but actual substantial forms of presence. Always existing as potentials in the soul, essential qualities manifest individually in c o n sciousness in response to the needs of the situation. Each is a distinct manifestation of true nature, having its own flavor, texture, feeling tone, and effect on the soul. For example, compassion is w a r m , soft, expansive, gentle, and provides appreciative support for
32
SOUL WIT H O u T
SHA M E
being with hurt, while personal will is solid, definite, confident, and a source of firm support for persisting on a difficult path. True nature includes all these qualities and many m o r e as well. It is a many-faceted d i a m o n d of priceless value buried in the u n c o n scious depths of each person. T h e exploration of your personal relationship to your o w n true nature is a major element in seliunderstanding. Do you experience your true nature? Do you recognize it in yourself and in others? Does it play a part in your life? W h a t gets in the way of it? C a n you allow it to shine through you? H o w does self-judgment affect your appreciation of your true nature?
Reality W h i l e true nature is something inside y o u — p a r t of your inner experience rather than your outer or physical life—reality includes both internal and external. It is perhaps even m o r e difficult to define than true nature. In simplest terms, reality refers to h o w things are, w h a t the facts are about a situation, the actual elements that make up what is occurring at any given place and time. O n e of the greatest challenges in self-understanding and, specifically, confronting your inner critic is learning to attend to w h a t feels most true in each m o m e n t and thus orient to reality.The degree to which you are in contact with reality will depend on the extent of your awareness at any m o m e n t . Let me give you an example. I am sitting at my desk mulling over my unfinished b o o k . W h a t is the reality of my situation? My reality includes w h a t is h a p p e n ing with me, so we begin with the fact that my attention is focused on my b o o k . My b o o k is the physical product of my writing, but it is m o r e than that: it is the entire psvehic composite of what the b o o k represents: the ideas, the history of writing it. my feelings about being an author and claiming to be an authority, my hopes for its success, and so on. Since " m y b o o k " could refer to many things, we will have to be m o r e specific in order to be clear about present reality. To be m o r e precise, the reality of my inner state is w o r r y and concern about being able to complete the book: Will I do it? W h e n will I do it? Will I be satisfied with it? W h a t is stopping me from
True
Nature
and
Reality
33
finishing? D o I really w a n t t o finish? D o I n e e d t o b e m o r e d i s c i p l i n e d a b o u t w o r k i n g o n it? B e h i n d these questions, I b e g i n to recognize my j u d g e saying t o m e , " Y o u are s o s l o w g e t t i n g this d o n e . Y o u k e e p d i s t r a c t i n g y o u r self w i t h o t h e r t h i n g s . Y o u ' d b e t t e r w a t c h o u t o r y o u w i l l g i v e u p a n d s t o p a l t o g e t h e r . " I feel e v a l u a t e d , c r i t i c i z e d , a n d m o t i v a t e d . T h i s is familiar. My awareness is focused n o w on the c o n t e n t of my intense t h i n k i n g . I c a n easily b e c o m e lost i n m y t h o u g h t s a n d s e l f - j u d g m e n t s . B u t t h a t is n o t all of my reality; If I e x p a n d my a w a r e n e s s a b i t , I realize my reality is t h a t 1 am s i t t i n g at my desk w h i l e w o r r y ing about my b o o k . This puts me in t o u c h with m o r e of my reality: n o t o n l y m y p s y c h i c p r o c e s s b u t also t h e p h y s i c a l e x p e r i e n c e o f b e i n g e n g a g e d i n t h a t p r o c e s s . M y h e a d feels t h i c k w i t h t h e p s y c h i c b u s y n e s s o f p l a n n i n g m y b o o k . T h e n I n o t i c e h o w m y b o d y feels: t e n s i o n c o n t r a c t s m y a r m s a n d legs, m y b r e a t h i n g i s shallow, m y s t o m a c h m u s c l e s are a little k n o t t e d , a n d m y b r o w i s f u r r o w e d . As I p a y a t t e n t i o n to my p h y s i c a l s e n s a t i o n s , I d i s c o v e r a n e w e l e m e n t i n m y reality: I a m f e e l i n g afraid. W h e n this r e c o g n i t i o n c o m e s t o g e t h e r w i t h w h a t m y j u d g e has b e e n s a y i n g , I a m i m m e d i a t e l y a w a r e oí t h e s o u r c e of t h e fear: I am afraid I w o n ' t finish my r
b o o k . T h i s b r i n g s a n e w i n s i g h t : t h e fear c o n n e c t s m e w i t h m y belief t h a t I a m s o m e o n e w h o has g r e a t ideas b u t o f t e n fails t o b r i n g t h e m i n t o e x i s t e n c e . I realize I a m afraid this b o o k will b e a n o t h e r e x a m p l e o f s u c h a g r e a t idea. T h e j u d g e i s n o w t e l l i n g m e t h a t m y s l o w ness m e a n s I will m o s t likely n o t finish, w h i c h will b e m o r e p r o o f o f m y lack o f w i l l . S o n o w I d o n ' t j u s t h a v e a t e n s e b o d y w i t h a h e a d full o f w o r ries a n d p l a n s , I h a v e t h e b o d y a n d m i n d o f a p a r t i c u l a r s o m e o n e w h o d o e s n ' t c o m p l e t e t h i n g s a n d i s afraid o f b e i n g c o n s i d e r e d a failu r e i f t h a t h a p p e n s a g a i n . M o r e precisely, I a m s o m e o n e w h o b e l i e v e s he is a failure a n d m u s t s t r u g g l e to p r o v e t h a t it's n o t t r u e . T h e j u d g e is telling me w h a t my e x p e r i e n c e m e a n s and w h o I am as a p e r s o n . So n o w t h e l a r g e r reality is t h a t I am s o m e o n e w i t h a history of believing certain
t h i n g s a b o u t himself, w h o has self-
j u d g m e n t s t h a t c a u s e h i m t o feel a n d b e h a v e i n c e r t a i n w a y s . I feel a s t r o n g t e n d e n c y t o w a n t t o a r g u e w i t h m y j u d g e , t o
Soui
34
WITHOUT
SHAME
e x p l a i n m y s e l f a n d justify m y a c t i o n s . I w a n t t o c o n v i n c e i t t h a t I a m n o t a failure. S h a m e b e g i n s t o arise i n m e . T h i s i s t e r r i t o r y I k n o w w e l l . A t this m o m e n t , t h e j u d g e i s a m a j o r f a c t o r i n s h a p i n g m y r e a l ity. P a r t o f m e w a n t s t o d i s t r a c t m y s e l f s o I d o n ' t h a v e t o feel all t h e s e uncomfortable emotions, and another part is d e t e r m i n e d to k n o w my reality fully. I feel a c e r t a i n solid e n e r g y filling my b e l l y a n d legs; i t s e e m s t o p r o v i d e m e w i t h t h e will t o c o n t i n u e b e i n g a w a r e w i t h o u t e n g a g i n g the j u d g e in a r g u m e n t . My j u d g e , however, is n o t easily d i s c o u r a g e d : " Y o u c a n ' t i g n o r e m e b e c a u s e y o u k n o w t h a t w h a t I am s a y i n g is t r u e . " Í find I m u s t be m o r e forceful in s u p p o r t i n g myself to k e e p it from t a k i n g over. I i m a g i n e t u r n i n g t o w a r d t h e j u d g e a n d u s i n g all t h e e n e r g y i n m y b e l l y t o yell " S h u t u p ! " T h a t aggressive m e n t a l a c t i o n clears m y h e a d a n d allows m e t o c o m e b a c k t o m y self-awareness. N o w w h a t arises i s t h e r e c o g n i t i o n t h a t t a k i n g m y s e l f t o b e s o m e o n e s t r u g g l i n g a g a i n s t failure has b e e n a r o u n d a l o n g t i m e . T h i s sense o f m y s e l f has b e e n a r e c u r r i n g t h e m e t h r o u g h o u t m y life. I c a n feel t h a t it s t e m s f r o m a c h i l d h o o d b e l i e f t h a t if I d i d n ' t follow t h r o u g h
on my potential
to
achieve, my parents w o u l d
b e d i s a p p o i n t e d a n d I w o u l d lose t h e i r l o v e . I a m n o w s e e i n g a d e e p e r level o f m y p r e s e n t reality. W h o I a m a n d w h a t I ' m e x p e r i e n c i n g i n t h e m o m e n t i s r o o t e d i n t h e c h i l d w h o w a n t s his p a r e n t s ' l o v e a n d i s afraid o f l o s i n g it. T h i s child's feelings u n d e r l i e t h e self-judgments that drive my concern about completing my b o o k . A t this p o i n t , I f i n d I a m n o l o n g e r c a u g h t u p i n t h e w o r r y i n g and self-judgment; instead. I am e x p e r i e n c i n g the sense of b e i n g an u n l o v e d c h i l d . I feel small, a l o n e , a n d afraid of a w o r l d t h a t s e e m s m u c h b i g g e r t h a n m e . I a m sad a n d l o n g for m y p a r e n t s ' l o v e . I a m a w a r e o f t h e w a y t h e t e n s i o n i n m y b o d y reflects t h e s e feelings. U s u a l l y , I h a t e f e e l i n g like a small, helpless c h i l d . 1 d o n ' t w a n t reality to be this way, so w h e n e v e r 1 feel like this, I r e a c t a n d tell m y s e l f (as m y j u d g e ) , " Y o u d o n ' t n e e d y o u r p a r e n t s ' l o v e a n y m o r e ; you're an adult. G r o w up and stop w o r r y i n g . " F r o m there, I p u t my a t t e n t i o n b a c k o n s o m e activity a n d i g n o r e m y e m o t i o n s . U n f o r t u nately, a d o p t i n g this a t t i t u d e has n e v e r c h a n g e d reality; i t has o n l y c u t m e off f r o m t h e t r u t h o f m y reality i n t h e m o m e n t .
True
Nature
and
Reality
35
T h i s t i m e , h o w e v e r , I a m c o u c h e d b y t h i s y o u n g s e n s e o f myself. I b e g i n to e x p e r i e n c e a gentle w a r m t h in my chest a n d a feeling of a p p r e c i a t i o n a n d c a r i n g for t h e s c a r e d c h i l d . T h i s c o m p a s s i o n for m y s e l f i n m y p r e s e n t s i t u a t i o n relaxes m e a n d q u i e t s m y m i n d . I b r e a t h e m o r e fully a n d a m able t o a l l o w t h e s m a l l - c h i l d feelings w h i l e b e i n g a w a r e o f m y s e l f a s m u c h m o r e t h a n t h o s e feelings. T h e u n c o n s c i o u s l i n k b e t w e e n t h e c h i l d a n d m y b o o k has b e e n b r o k e n . T h e s e l f - j u d g m e n t t h a t w a s affecting m y w r i t i n g i s n o w g o n e , a n d I can p r o c e e d w i t h my w o r k feeling m o r e g r o u n d e d in an e x p a n d e d sense o f reality. Y o u c a n always i n c r e a s e y o u r a w a r e n e s s o f reality b y r e c o g n i z i n g m o r e o f t h e t r u t h o f w h a t y o u are e x p e r i e n c i n g . O r y o u c a n c h o o s e t o d e n y , a v o i d , o r o n l y selectively b e i n c o n t a c t w i t h reality by focusing on w h a t you believe or prefer rather than on w h a t y o u a c t u a l l y e x p e r i e n c e . T h e j u d g e i s a n a c t i v e p a r t i c i p a n t i n all o f t h e s e activities, a s i n t h e e x a m p l e a b o v e . D e n i a l , a v o i d a n c e , a n d selective c o n t a c t all g o o n w i t h o u t c h o i c e w h e n y o u are u n c o n s c i o u s o f t h e r o l e y o u r j u d g e plays i n y o u r e x p e r i e n c e a n d y o u r m o t i v a t i o n s . For g r o w t h and change to occur, it is i m p o r t a n t that y o u reco g n i z e y o u r e x p e r i e n t i a l reality i n e a c h s i t u a t i o n o f y o u r life b e c a u s e t h a t reality d e t e r m i n e s t h e limits a n d p o t e n t i a l o f w h a t i s p o s s i b l e a t a n y g i v e n t i m e . T h e w o r k o n m y b o o k w a s p l a g u e d b y selfj u d g m e n t a n d fear o f failure. W i t h o u t s e e i n g t h e d e e p e r aspects o f m y reality, I w o u l d n e v e r h a v e b e e n free o t t h e n e e d t o p r o v e t h a t I could succeed. O n c e I recognized my identification as s o m e o n e w h o h a d t o s t r u g g l e against failure a n d t h e u n d e r l y i n g fear o f l o s i n g m y p a r e n t s ' love, a shift o c c u r r e d . T h e s e l f - j u d g m e n t s t o p p e d . R e a l i t y felt less l i m i t e d , m o r e o p e n . T h e m o r e I w-as a w a r e o f t h e t r u t h , t h e m o r e m y t r u e n a t u r e b e g a n t o arise i n the f o r m o f p e r sonal will, strength, a n d c o m p a s s i o n . T h e s e , in t u r n , s u p p o r t e d a fuller c o n t a c t w i t h reality. T h e key i n g r e d i e n t i n b e i n g i n c o n t a c t w i t h reality i s a t t e n t i o n t o w h a t feels m o s t t r u e a t t h e p r e s e n t m o m e n t . H o w e v e r , b e i n g i n t o u c h w i t h a t r u t h i n y o u r e x p e r i e n c e d o e s n o t m e a n y o u are a w a r e o f all o f y o u r reality. E a c h m o m e n t o f t r u t h , w h e n a l l o w e d w i t h o u t j u d g m e n t , will b e c o m e a d o o r t o a d e e p e r e x p e r i e n c e o f reality- a n d w h a t is true.
36
SOUL
WITHOUT
SHAME
My awareness of reality moved through many steps: The book T h e w o r r y and self-judgment My physical sensations while worrying My fear of failure My j u d g m e n t about failing T h e determination not to justify myself Standing up to the j u d g e T h e recognition of my history around failure Anticipated parental disappointment Me as an unloved child with his painful feelings T h e awareness of and compassion for that child An ease once again with my b o o k This is an example of inquiring into reality in the m o m e n t , a process that can reveal the unfolding depths of one's present experience. Inquiry of this kind is a profound practice requiring many years to b e c o m e skillful at allowing. Do not expect that your own awareness of reality will reveal itself as simply or directly as I have described. However, my process captures many elements that you will be working with t h r o u g h o u t this book.You may choose to refer back to it after you have read further.
The Judge
Avoids
Reality
Listening to your j u d g e orients you away from reality. T h e j u d g e believes that reality is not safe, is problematic, and will get you into trouble. M a n y times in your childhood, you endured situations that were painful, scary, overwhelming, and frustrating. Such feelings were hard to tolerate, and their impact on you had to be controlled for you to feel safe. T h e j u d g e s j o b was to protect you from being overwhelmed or threatened by these experiences. It used denial, avoidance, and selective awareness as basic defenses. N o w it contin-
True
nature
and
Reality
37
u e s t o b e l i e v e t h a t y o u m u s t b e p r o t e c t e d f r o m t h e reality o f y o u r life; i n fact, y o u m u s t b e p r o t e c t e d f r o m a l m o s t a n y d i r e c t e x p e r i e n c e o f reality. T h e j u d g e defines t h e w a y y o u e x p e r i e n c e reality b y t e l l i n g y o u w h a t t o p a y a t t e n t i o n t o a n d w h a t i s i m p o r t a n t . I t will c o n s t a n t l y s t e e r y o u a w a y f r o m p a y i n g a t t e n t i o n t o y o u r full e x p e r i e n c e i n t h e m o m e n t . It does n o t trust that there is any value or benefit in b e i n g m o r e real w i t h y o u r s e l f T h e j u d g e g e n e r a l l y r e c o g n i z e s t h e i m p o r t a n c e o f essential h u m a n qualities s u c h a s v a l u e , s t r e n g t h , p e a c e , c o m p a s s i o n , a n d w i l l . H o w e v e r , i t d o e s n o t b e l i e v e t h a t y o u h a v e t h e m i n n a t e l y ; i t tells y o u t h a t y o u m u s t a c q u i r e t h e m from t h e o u t s i d e t h r o u g h a c c o m p l i s h m e n t s a n d g o o d b e h a v i o r : " I f y o u are a n unselfish, g i v i n g p e r s o n , then perhaps you have s o m e value."The j u d g e believes that you can only claim these qualities w h e n y o u prove that y o u have e a r n e d t h e m , y o u c a n c o n t r o l t h e m , a n d y o u c a n live u p t o t h e m t h r o u g h m e e t i n g its s t a n d a r d s . I f y o u c a n ' t , t h e n i t tells y o u , " Y o u m u s t b e f a k i n g t h e e x p e r i e n c e ; t h e s e q u a l i t i e s are o n l y a t e m p o r a r y o c c u r rence, a n d they will be taken away from y o u at any m o m e n t because they d o n ' t b e l o n g to you anyway." T h i s p e r s p e c t i v e gives t h e j u d g e t h e i m p o r t a n t j o b o f p r e p a r ing, instructing, and w a r n i n g you a b o u t w h a t y o u m u s t do to have access t o t h e s e basic e l e m e n t s o f h u m a n e x p e r i e n c e . F o r t h e j u d g e , t h e s e s o u l qualities are m o r e like r e w a r d s o r a c h i e v e m e n t s t h a t are desirable but n o t necessary T h e judge believes t r u e nature is an illusion o r a m y t h w h e n i t refers t o a n y t h i n g o t h e r t h a n y o u r b o d y , y o u r p e r s o n a l i t y , a n d y o u r history. In order to confront the judge's dominance in guiding and controlling y o u r experience, you must first recognize true nature does exist i n y o u a n d t h a t i t i s n o t t h e result o f y o u r a c c o m p l i s h m e n t s o r effect o n o t h e r s . I t i s a n d has always b e e n p a r t o f y o u . Y o u also m u s t see h o w y o u r j u d g e c o n t i n u a l l y u n d e r m i n e s s u c h a n a w a r e n e s s . T h e n y o u m u s t call u p o n specific q u a l i t i e s o f y o u r t r u e n a t u r e t o challenge the way the j u d g e operates. In the example above, awareness, w i l l , s t r e n g t h , a n d c o m p a s s i o n e a c h p l a y e d a p a r t i n b r e a k i n g the control of the j u d g e on my experience. As you recognize and d e v e l o p y o u r c o n t a c t w i t h t h e s e aspects o f y o u r h u m a n n e s s t h a t lie d e e p e r t h a n h a b i t , p r e f e r e n c e , a n d early c o n d i t i o n i n g , y o u will
38
SOUL
WITHOUT
SHAME
discover an alternative guidance and support system that is g r o u n d e d in a m o r e fundamental sense of reality. W i t h each of the aspects of true nature presented in this book, you will see that the j u d g e has c o m m o n and familiar ways ot trying to minimize, u n d e r m i n e , or attack that quality.The degree to which it has succeeded in cutting you off from your true nature is the degree to which you are dependent on it as a substitute for those lost qualities. So with each quality, we will look at c o m m o n ways your j u d g e attacks you for activating that capacity and. in contrast, specific ways that capacity helps you eliminate the need for the judge.
PRACTICE: THE REALITY OF DRIVING This practice encourages recognizing some of the different facets of reality in the experience of traveling in a car. It can be done anytime you are driving or riding in a car and are not fully occupied with the driving or in some other way. It is good practice for d e e p ening your contact with reality. Step 1.
Put your attention on the external physical reality of the car, the road, and the larger environment (weather, landscape, other cars, and so forth). Notice the familiar elements, new objects, and ones you had not noticed before even t h o u g h they have been there.
Step 2. Tune in to your own physical sensations as vou sit in the car. H o w does your b o d y feel—comfortable, relaxed, tense, headache, shallow breathing? Is your physical state related to the driving or to something else (such as a previous physical condition or something that happened earlier in the day)? 7
Step 3. Now notice what you are feeling emotionally Are you anxious, worried, excited,joyful, scared, angry, sad, n u m b , pressured? Is this a continuation of an emotional state you
True Nature and Reality
39
were in before getting in the car or a reaction to your e x p e rience ot driving? Step 4.
Let yourself focus on the content of your mind. You may have noticed this content c o m i n g in as you paid attention to the three previous facets of your reality, or you may have noticed your mind (judge) explaining what you were experiencing, what it means, or what to do about it.What are you thinking about? Are you preoccupied with s o m e thing as you drive? Does your thinking stop your awareness of the other facets of the reality of driving?
Step 5.
Having checked in with these four dimensions ot your personal reality, take a look at h o w your experience of d r i ving changes, if at all. Is it possible to hold all the d i m e n sions in your awareness at once? W h a t happens then? Do you feel m o r e (or less) comfortable, expanded, in control, overwhelmed, tense, relaxed, open, awake?
E n t e r i n g the kitchen, Frank noticed the dirty dishes from yesterday on the c o u n t e r and in the sink. O
Why didn't she dean up last night? I hate having to walk into a dirty kitchen. Well, she did make dinner for us,you know. I think it was your turn to clean up. It's your own fault you were up till one in the morning watching TV and were too tired to do anything after that except go to bed. You waste so much time infront of that tube. Frank t u r n e d on the hot water and began rinsing the dishes, using
his hands to make sure all the food was w i p e d off and t h e n stacking t h e m in the dish rack. O You know you're supposed to use soap and a sponge. Someday, you 're going to get sick . . . Oh, shut up,you old turdface. I'll do what I want to do. As he cleaned, Frank could feel the tension in his j a w that seemed to add to the pain in his neck. His chest felt constricted, and he was tight in the shoulders. As his i n n e r agitation increased, he began to w o r r y a b o u t breaking a dish. O
Hey, what are you so uptight about? Get a grip on yourself and relax.
At that, Frank stopped, p u t t i n g b o t h hands on the edge of the sink w i t h the water still r u n n i n g , and t o o k a deep breath. He m o a n e d to himself as he exhaled. He couldn't seem to focus his t h o u g h t s or clear his head. Finally, he straightened up, shut off the water, and walked to the kitchen door. He o p e n e d it and stepped o u t into the sun on the p o r c h , letting his robe fall o p e n and the w a r m air t o u c h the skin all over his body. He shivered as the w a r m t h clashed with his jangled nerve e n d ings. Slowly, he began to relax as his b o d y bathed in the sunshine, his closed eyes gazing upward. O
You know, some neighbor is going to see you out here naked. It's your exhibitionism again. You just want someone to see you.
Frank had to o p e n his eyes and check to make sure that the bushes and the fence blocked h i m from the neighbors' view.They did, but n o w it was hard to relax. He w r a p p e d his robe a r o u n d h i m and stood surr o u n d e d by the trees in the sunlight, the m o v e m e n t and singing of small birds, a n d the bright magenta color of the bougainvillea g r o w i n g up the side of the porch.
4 RECOGNIZING
JUDGMENT
J U D G M E N T IS A WAY OF describing part of the terrain of your inner world. If you pictured the world inside your m i n d as a landscape, different kinds of mental activity would appear as different kinds of terrain. For instance, there might be the lush jungles of fantasy, the geometrical cities of financial calculation, the flowing rivers of dreams, and the silent, expansive deserts of simple awareness. In this inner world, j u d g m e n t would appear in various forms, such as the old, familiar n e i g h b o r h o o d of your childhood, unchanged and lifeless. Or the surrealistic freeways that move you quickly from one place to another but never let you get off except for gas and food, because all exits are permanently u n d e r construction. Or the set of a H o l l y w o o d movie where the surroundings appear impressive and desirable but have no substance or reality. J u d g m e n t is a central element of your inner dialogue, the way you talk to yourself. From that point of view, it is second nature to you, so close to you that it is hard even to b e c o m e aware of its existence. "So I talk to myself—I rationalize, explain, justify, question, doubt, evaluate, scold, gossip, confess—all kinds of things. W h y should I make a big deal about j u d g m e n t ? " It seems natural, and even w h e n someone else judges you, if it is in the familiar terms you use with yourself, you assume that it is part of life, to be expected. However, there is good reason to isolate this part of your inner process. Self-judgment is perhaps the greatest source of inner suffering and discontent. M o r e than t h a t — o r because of t h a t — i t is one of the major barriers to change, growth, expansion, and
42
SOUL WITHOUT
S H A M r.
transformation. In particular, it prevent* you from simply resting in yourself from m o m e n t to m o m e n t . Presumably, you have picked up this book because you have recognized that judgment has a negative impact on you. We will see much m o r e about what this means as we go along.This chapter will focus on recognizing the activity of j u d g m e n t and seeing h o w it works in your inner life. First, a preliminary definition: A judgment is a statement of evaluation that implies an assessment of one's value or worth and is felt as a rejection of ones present state. Here, present state can refer to an e m o t i o n or
feeling, a particular behavior, a bodily experience, a self-image, or an idea about yourself—whatever the central elements are of your immediate experience. T h e work begins with learning to recognize w h e n you are experiencing a j u d g m e n t . This may seem simple, but it is not. C e r tain j u d g m e n t s you are aware of and can describe. Most of your experiences ofjudgment, however, are unconscious.Your j u d g m e n t s of yourself are generally more visible to those close to you than they are to you. Generally you don't want to see your self-criticisms; you feel your badness will be exposed. That fear is natural and to be respected. As you learn about yourself, you will b e c o m e more c o m passionate and grounded and thus able to see m o r e of what creates this fear.The process of self-acceptance takes time.Just be aware that any feelings or reactions you have n o w arc part of the first steps in that process. So the first task is to learn to recognize what a j u d g m e n t is. A j u d g m e n t may be felt as any of the following: criticism, c o n d e m n a tion, guideline, motivator, accusation, advice, rejection, suggestion, question, or praise. It may c o m e from another person or from inside your own mind. However you interpret its intention and whatever its source, you are affected by it in a particular way that makes it fall under the heading judgment.' To see this more clearly, it helps to reduce the implied content of the statement or question to a single declarative sentence. 4
1
Recognizing
What Judgment
Judgment
43
Says
Step one of recognition is: Identity the judgmental statement. If it wasn't explicit, you need to make it explicit. Sometimes, s o m e o n e will talk to you for five minutes and only if you boil it all d o w n to one statement will you realize that you felt j u d g e d by her words. Similarly, you can tell yourself all kinds of stories in your head, but if the net result is that you feel bad about yourself, then you have been engaged in self-judgment. So if s o m e o n e says to you w h e n you are ten minutes late for an a p p o i n t m e n t , " L o o k what time it is! My four-year-old could have ridden his tricycle here by now. I hope you feel good about making me miss m o r n i n g coffee," you can boil that d o w n to "You are a jerk for being late."You begin to confront the j u d g e by making it visible or, in this case, audible. I r e c o m m e n d the following practice for verbalizing j u d g m e n t s : Put the j u d g m e n t statement in the second person. Word the statement as if you were the j u d g e talking to s o m e o n e else. In other words, make " y o u " statements rather than " I " statements.This helps distinguish the j u d g e from the one being j u d g e d , even if both parts are inside you. So instead ot saying "I really screwed up," the j u d g m e n t is "You really screwed up." N o t e : On the surface, this seems to go against the current reco m m e n d a t i o n for self-expression, w h i c h is to make " I " statements. However, the purpose here is not to have you take responsibility for your own feelings, as it is w h e n " 1 " statements are encouraged in interpersonal c o m m u n i c a t i o n . T h e purpose is to clarify the fact that there are two different parts inside ot you in dialogue. W h e n you say,"I really screwed u p " y o u are taking responsibility for something as if it were a fact, without acknowledging that there is a j u d g m e n t involved and critical energy is being directed at you. Let's look at some examples ot j u d g e statements. N o t i c e that the judgmental quality derives from h o w they make you feel and is unrelated to w h e t h e r or not the statements are true. Let's begin with obvious ones: You shouldn't have done that. You are such a weakling.
44
SOUL
WITHOUT
SHAME
I can't believe you made such a stupid c o m m e n t . You'd better not let that happen again. If you don't get started now, you'll never a m o u n t to anything. N o w you really blew it. You are so fat no one will ever be interested in you. You will never be a success, so forget it. I told you you didn't have a chance. It's about time you got that right. W h a t makes you think anyone cares about you at all? No one will ever take you seriously You think you're so smart, don't you? Some less obvious but no less devastating ones: If only you weren't so slow, you could probably a m o u n t to something. H o w c o m e vou don't really care about me? You should be making m o r e m o n e y at your age. I k n e w you could do better if you really tried. You have such incredible potential. O n l y really lazy people sleep in until 9:00 AM. H o w c o m e you can't understand that I'm just trying to help you? You shouldn't be so hard on yourself. You really have a hard time accepting criticism, don't you? N o t i c e that many of these statements could be distilled even further to get a clearer j u d g m e n t out of t h e m . For instance,"How c o m e you can't understand that I'm just trying to help y o u ? " is m o r e simply stated as "You are an ungrateful slob." Or " H o w c o m e you don't really care about m e ? " boils d o w n to "You are uncaring and selfish." W h e n you add the tone ot voice of the one making the state-
Recognizing Judgment
45
merit and your o w n history around being j u d g e d , all kinds of other seemingly innocuous statements can be felt as j u d g m e n t s . O n e s like: You look tired. (Heard as: What's w r o n g with you?) I hate it w h e n you talk like that. (Heard as: There's something w r o n g with you.) H o w old are you? (Heard as: You are over the hill.) You made a mistake. (Heard as:You're useless!) O n e question often arises at this point:What about positive j u d g ments? Should you only be c o n c e r n e d about statements with a n e g ative content?This is a good question.The statements that cause the most difficulty are clearly the negative ones; in fact, if your own selfjudgments were always positive, you would be unlikely to care about challenging the j u d g e . Perhaps you are actually seeking a way to turn your negative judgmental statements into positive ones. T h a t would undoubtedly make you feel better, but it would not change the underlying dynamic of engaging in self-judgment in the first place.
Life
Lessons
Michael had worked hard on his dance piece for two months, and in the days before he was to perform, he became very anxious. H o w ever, w h e n the night of the performance arrived, he was surprised to find himself calm and confident. Spurred on by the lights and the energy of the audience, he danced better than he ever had. As he left the stage, hisjudge was there to provide c o m m e n t : " Y o u showed them; man, you are great. I bet they were secretly h o p i n g you'd fail, but you are the n u m b e r one top dog! N o w don't say anything, though, because you don't want anyone thinking you got a swelled head." At the reception, he grinned w h e n his girlfriend, Carla, came up to congratulate him. "You were so beautiful up there. I couldn't believe h o w perfectly you danced. You are so inspiring to me. O h , I wish I could dance like that. I didn't see one mistake. A n d what was that wild music you used?" Michael just kept smiling, but his
1
46
SOUL
WITHOUT
SHAME
j u d g e was talking again:" W h a t did she mean she didn't see one mistake? This could be trouble. W h a t if you blow it next time? After all. dude, you may have been good, but you weren't perfect. W h o does she think you are anyway, Baryshnikov?" A positive or negative j u d g m e n t is different from a positive or negative feeling. A feeling is an emotional state arising in response to something. In contrast, a j u d g m e n t is an evaluation of yourself as good or bad, right or w r o n g J u d g m e n t s and feelings are closely associated, as we shall see. However, you can like or dislike something w i t h o u t having a j u d g m e n t about it. W h e n you say something like "I like the j o b I did, and I feel really good that I completed it," it might seem that the first part is a statement of feeling and the second is a positive self-judgment. Let's look m o r e closely. If it is a self-judgment, you are saying: "I really am a good person because I completed it " T h i s is clearly a defense against a j u d g m e n t that you are not a good person.There is n o t h i n g w r o n g with this; recognizing you have value that is r e flected in functioning is an important element in building selfesteem. However, it is not the same as k n o w i n g that your o w n value is completely separate from the results of what you do. In the preceding example, Michaels j u d g e is clearly passingjudgment on him, saying h o w great he is because he did so well and countering an implicit evaluation of inferiority. On the other hand,"I feel really good that I completed it" might not be judgmental but instead descriptive of h o w you feel in a n o n specific way. It could then be restated as: " H a v i n g completed the j o b , I feel happy [satisfied, expansive, excited, appreciative]." No j u d g ment of self is involved here. Negative j u d g m e n t s stimulate feelings of rejection, guilt, doubt, shame, and self-hatred, while positive j u d g m e n t s tend to arouse feelings of self-esteem, pride, excitement, selt-righteousness, and superiority'. Either way, these results are conditional, and you are left dependent on the j u d g e to reject or approve of you. In this book, I am encouraging you to go beyond t u r n i n g rejection into approval and to question the very assumptions underlying self-judgment. There is no quick route to u n d o i n g this mental activity, which
Recognizing
Judgment
47
serves as glue for our psychic structure. T h e process is gradual and requires patience and c o m m i t m e n t . Positive self-judgments are an important support and guide for life in the world and cannot be put aside until you discover and integrate the self-knowing for which they are a substitute. Negative self-judgments are generally less functional, as well as more painful and debilitating, so we put our attention on t h e m first. For that reason, most of the examples used here are negative, but the principles of self-judgment apply to positive content as well. Learning to stop the effects of negative self-judgment will create a ground for considering the limitations in giving and receiving positive self-judgment.
How Judgment
Feels
Energetically
Whatever the content of the statement or question, j u d g m e n t s always have an energetic effect on the one feeling judged. Besides recognizing the actual content that contains the j u d g m e n t , it is equally important to notice h o w the statement affects you. If it doesn't have an effect, there would be no reason to be c o n c e r n e d about j u d g m e n t s . Fortunately, it is not too difficult to begin to recognize the effects of being judged as you develop somatic (body) self-awareness. This means sensing your own energetic state, your bodily sensations, and your capacity to function physically.The m o r e you can distinguish a m o n g various states such as being n u m b , spaced out, distracted, aroused, tense, agitated, alert, anxious, calm, relaxed, protective, or vigilant, the more you will be able to carry out step two of j u d g m e n t recognition: Learn to recognize the experience of j u d g m e n t through the way it changes your energetic and somatic state. B e c o m i n g familiar with your own particular energetic symptoms will help you to k n o w w h e n you are feeling j u d g e d , even if you don't recognize in your mind that a j u d g m e n t has taken place. • R o b e r t is talking to his girlfriend, and she says, "You never buy me flowers. I don't think you really care about me." W h a t h a p pens to his energy? His gut tightens up, his face stiffens, his breath becomes shallow, his center of gravity feels up in his throat, and he is no longer aware of the rest of the room.
1
48
SOUL
WITHOUT
SHAMH
• Lois spends all afternoon shopping and making a special dinner for her partner and a couple of friends, only to realize she forgot to get dessert and has no time n o w to go get it. H e r j u d g e speaks up,"Wow, you really blew this one." H o w is she doing now? H e r face flushes, her shoulders tighten up, and it is harder to c o n c e n trate on what she has left to do. She can no longer feel the rest of her body, and she begins rushing. • Marie is thirty-seven years old and overweight. W h i l e working out in a Jazzercise class one day, she finds herself fixated on the eighteen-year-old girl in the front w h o is lean and trim. H e r j u d g e whispers, " W h y don't you look like her, dear?" H e r s t o m ach is tied in a knot, her feet and legs feel as if they were made out of lead, her palms are sweaty, and she can't make her body coordinate to the music anymore. • Ralph gets a notice from the I R S that he is going to be audited. He spends the rest of the day dazed and out of his body. Twice his business partner has to shake h i m to get his attention. Later he runs into a d o o r and knocks over a can of Pepsi. C o m m o n physical experiences of j u d g m e n t include loss of energy, agitation, tension, depression, anxiety, heat, weakness, restlessness, deadness, spaciness, tunnel vision, and numbness. N o t i c e that these responses occur regardless of thejudgment's content.They indicate that a j u d g m e n t affects you through its form as well as its content. W h e n a j u d g m e n t is directed at y o u — w h e t h e r you are conscious of it or n o t — y o u tend to experience the world closing in on you.Your functioning becomes impaired due to this n a r r o w ing of attention and loss of flexibility and aliveness.The overriding manifestation is the marked decrease in awareness—of the environment, of what is going on around you, of your possible responses, and especially of w h o you are. And what is profoundly frustrating for many people is the way j u d g m e n t interferes with their capacity, clarity, and sense of humor.
Recognizing
How Judgment
Feels
Judgment
49
Emotionally
This brings us to h o w j u d g m e n t s make you feel emotionally, w h i c h is step three in j u d g m e n t recognition: Learn to recognize the e m o tional reaction you have to j u d g m e n t s . You may be m o r e aware of your feeling responses than your energetic response, or vice versa. T h e energetic effects limit your functioning and cause frustration, but the emotional effects of j u d g m e n t often result in pain and suffering. • Diane has just found a bad run in her panty hose and has no time to buy a new pair before an important j o b interview. H e r j u d g e has no mercy. She feels exposed, panicked, ashamed, ugly, and hopeless. • Leo's father recently told him it was a disgrace that he was fortyt w o years old and still didn't make e n o u g h m o n e y to buy a house. Leo feels ashamed, small, afraid, and hurt. • Melame's ten-year-old son comes h o m e trom school complaining that his friend's m o m let h i m stay up as late as he wanted to. W h y is Melanie so mean to him? M e l a m e feels angry, resentful, unappreciated, guilty, and defensive. • Paul has just c o m e out of a private session w h e r e he realized h o w afraid to approach w o m e n he has been all his life, s o m e thing he covered up bv pretending he didn't care. His j u d g e j u m p s on him: " W h a t a p h o n y you have been all this time, acting as if you didn't like w o m e n . You are really pathetic." Pauls newfound awareness gives way to humiliation, defeat, w i t h drawal, and depression. R e m e m b e r , however, that you may have completely shut off your feelings in relation to many of your self-judgments. You may only be aware that the j u d g m e n t activity is a nagging, b o t h e r s o m e habit that you can't seem to stop and that serves no useful purpose. In these cases, it may take patient and compassionate self-awareness to allow you to reach the e m o t i o n underlying your detachment. Until this happens, it will be impossible to understand specifically h o w a particular j u d g m e n t works on you.
SOUL
50
WITHOUT
SHAME
Judgments may make you feel deficient, of control, afraid, angry, ashamed, hurt, pathetic, sad, helpless, isolated, alienated, superior, arrogant, righteous, puffed up, to feelings.
guilty, selfish, d u m b , out humiliated, ugly, lazy, depressed, or possibly name but a few of the
All of these are unpleasant states no o n e likes to feel.The actual sensations can be uncomfortable or unpleasant, but even more difficult are the associated beliefs and memories connected to these states. In fact, your beliefs about these negative teelings are what cause t h e m to affect your sense of self-worth. It is the devaluation engendered by j u d g m e n t s that causes you to dislike yourself for having those feelings, which brings about self-rejection. A very important insight arises as a result of this awareness: You dislike and reject yourself for having certain feelings. Whatever the reason, this fact feels like a given, beyond your control. You were never taught that feelings are just feelings, that they are not statements about the kind ot person you are.You automatically assume that there is something w r o n g with having feelings you characterize as negative. R e m e m b e r , emotions, like thoughts and sensations, are forms the soul takes on; they do not define its true nature.What would happen it you didn't reject or dislike yourself for experiencing the teelings aroused by a judgment? As you explore through this book the ways you came to believe that painful feelings must be avoided, the possibility that you can allow the entire spectrum of your feelings w i t h o u t rejecting any ot them will b e c o m e m o r e apparent. This will b e c o m e a key to dealing effectively with the j u d g e .
Judgments
and
Attacks
Let's for a m o m e n t imagine an interaction between two people in order to observe more closely the effects of j u d g m e n t : His boss throws the papers on B o b s desk and scowls,"Bob, that's the worst piece of p r o m o t i o n a l w r i t i n g I have ever seen in my life! What's t h e m a t t e r with y o u ? " Bob's shoulders slump, his eyes scan the floor, and trying to catch his breath, he stammers,"Yes,
Recognizing
Judgment
51
well, I—I—I r-figured that approach m - m i g h t work. P-p-please give m - m e a n o t h e r c h - c h a n c e . I n - n e e d this j o b . "
In this situation, an individual received input from another person and reacted by losing vitality, awareness, and responsiveness. His functioning became distorted in a range from impulsive over reaction to complete immobilization. From the outside, it would appear that B o b had been attacked—a verbal arrow shot him down. Internally however. Bob experienced his boss's words as simply c o n firming his worst fear about himself—that he is a failure. W h e t h e r he is aware of it or not, he is feeling humiliation, guilt, and desperation. N o w he is caught between the attack from the outside and the feared belief about himself on the inside. T h e result is an inability to respond appropriately to the attacking energy. W h e n most animals are attacked, unless the threat is extreme or overwhelming, they respond immediately with increased awareness, energy, and presence. T h e resulting behavior may be fight, flight, freeze, or in certain situations, playing dead or tainting. Even w h e n humans are physically attacked, they generally b e c o m e alert and m o r e attuned to the situation, with increased energy to take the necessary action. W h a t we are seeing here is that j u d g m e n t s are a form of psychic attack in which your beliefs about yourself are activelv involved.The result is not a heightened aliveness and groundeduess but quite the opposite. For Bob, it is as if the threat posed were too much for his system to handle: he acted more like a child responding to an angry adult. W h e n you see a sluggish, diminished, or distorted response to attack in an animal like a dog or a horse, you imagine that s o m e thing is wrong: the animal must be drugged, sick, or maltreated. You may suspect that something in the animal's instinct for selfpreservation is damaged. But you are so familiar with experiencing j u d g m e n t that w h e n humans react by b e c o m i n g disoriented, impulsive, or paralyzed, you consider this to be normal. W h e n you b e c o m e aw are of h o w self-judgment operates in others, you see that most people react to it by b e c o m i n g sluggish and constricted or by responding in a distorted way. Something in the human psyche blocks the natural energy of self-preservation. It r
52
SOUL WITHOUT
SHAM F.
is as if an objective observer from the outside can recognize the attack contained energetically in the j u d g m e n t , but the person receiving the j u d g m e n t cannot stay focused on that aspect of it.This is what makes a j u d g m e n t seem different from an attack. Focusing on j u d g m e n t s as attacks makes it easier for you to respond appropriately, because you recognize an outside energy aggressively threatening your o w n state. However, a j u d g m e n t is usually perceived as indicating s o m e thing about your inner state—in particular, your sense of worth.You get caught up in your c o n c e r n about the accuracy of the content, and this undermines your awareness of the attack. Let's look at Bob's situation again. This time, he is able to respond w i t h o u t getting involved in his boss's j u d g m e n t : His boss throws the papers on B o b s desk and scowls,"Bob, that's the worst piece of p r o m o t i o n a l w r i t i n g I have ever seen in my life! W h a t ' s the m a t t e r w i t h y o u ? " B o b takes a deep breath, to keep himself calm in the face of his boss's energy, and t h e n says, "I see T
you didn't like w hat I w r o t e . I w o u l d appreciate it if you w o u l d sit d o w n w i t h me and show me w h e r e I w e n t w r o n g . "
Here, B o b feels the attack but does not allow it to trigger a n e g ative evaluation of his o w n worth as a person. He recognizes the real threat is not what his boss is saying but the way it tends to pull him into reacting e m o t i o n a l l y — t h a t is, feeling j u d g e d . T o deal with this, he stays focused on the matter at h a n d — t h e fact that his boss is displeased—and disregards the harsh j u d g m e n t . By speaking directly to the dissatisfaction with his writing and n o t the exaggerated insult, Bob is making it clear that he will not get involved in his boss's p u t down. He "cuts t h r o u g h " the verbal attack to what is most i m p o r tant at the m o m e n t and thereby defends himself. Perhaps n o w you can begin to see why you respond differently to feeling j u d g e d than to feeling attacked. W h e n you feel judged, you believe you have to change yourself because something is w r o n g with you; w h e n you feel attacked, you k n o w you need to defend yourself. Let's look at h o w this happens. J u d g m e n t arouses negative feelings. Each negative feeling is
Recognizing
Judgment
53
connected to a particular idea or belief about the kind of person you are and h o w people will respond if that belief is true. For instance, if your j u d g e attacks you by saying you are ugly, you might believe that makes you unlovable, and so you are afraid that n o b o d y will choose to be with you. Feeling helpless might lead you to believe you are weak, needy, and ineffectual, so people will be disgusted and turn their backs.You do not like to experience these old self-images, so w h e n you are in touch with feelings connected to those self-images, you want to distance yourself from the feelings by either denying them, trying to change them, ignoring them, or withdrawing from t h e m . So in these cases, the content of the selfj u d g m e n t pushes you into feeling ugly or helpless, and you instinctively move away from those feelings. T h e problem is that you also move away from any awareness that your j u d g e provoked this selfrejection and the diminishment, disorientation, and paralysis that go with it. In the first example, Bob got caught up in n o t wanting to be a failure and wasn't able to stay grounded and deal effectively with the energy his boss was directing at him. W h e n you recognize the input of the other person or your o w n j u d g e as an attack, you naturally stay focused on h o w it is affecting you and h o w to stop it. In the second example, B o b used the simple practice of taking a breath as a way to stay in touch with the immediate reality of feeling attacked by his boss's anger.This helped him to respond effectively. It is important to recognize at this point that self-judgments served a very useful purpose for you as a child for just the aforem e n t i o n e d reason. T h e sense of invasion, rejection, or hurt caused by the parent's critical energy was often overwhelming to your sensitivity. So distancing from yourself (self-rejection) dulled your awareness of the attack to help you survive wdiat was intolerable or unstoppable. In extreme cases of abuse and trauma, the only way to survive was to completely dissociate from reality in the m o m e n t . In this case, all awareness of the feelings and sensations involved is suppressed: the child leaves her body until it is safe to return and usually does not r e m e m b e r w h a t her experience was. We will see that your engagement with j u d g m e n t is a mild form of dissociation, in that you lose touch with the experience of being attacked and the
54
SOUL WITHOUT
SHAME
resulting damage. Instead, you take on the content of the j u d g m e n t and the judge's perspective of what is important, and the instinctual m o v e m e n t to respond appropriately is blocked.
Judgments
as
Intentional Attacks
A j u d g m e n t is an insidious form of attack because it points to a part of you that you are not comfortable with, and thus, you believe the negative assessment is justified.This belief, in turn, blocks your ability to respond to the j u d g m e n t as an attack because n o w you are seeing yourself, not the j u d g m e n t , as the problem. In other words, the j u d g m e n t stirs up a feeling in you of wrongness, w h i c h takes you into the past and away from your experience in the m o m e n t . T h u s , you cannot appropriately respond to the implicit attack. N o t only do you tend to believe the content of the j u d g m e n t in some form, but what is m o r e important, you believe that the j u d g e (in another or in yourself) has the right to evaluate and pass sentence on you, thereby c o n d e m n i n g you to a diminished sense of self-esteem and effectiveness in your life.This implicit agreement to allow j u d g m e n t will u n d o any attempts at appropriate response to the attack. Step four in j u d g m e n t recognition is: See h o w a j u d g m e n t p r o vokes self-rejection through intentionally making you feel a certain way Some j u d g m e n t s make you feel guilty ( " H o w could you have d o n e such a thing?"); some make you feel ashamed ( " W h o do you think you are, talking like that?"); some provoke weakness, disgust, superiority, inferiority, hopelessness, and so on. T h e fact that you react in that way is not a unique problem you have; it is built into the j u d g m e n t itself. In fact, the j u d g e says those things in order to make you feel those particular feelings.Judgments attack you specifically by generating certain emotions that will arouse self-beliefs that disarm you. Seeing this helps keep your focus on the attack and m i n imize its u n d e r m i n i n g effect on you. Imagine you had an enemy and, for some reason, every time he appeared, your body became limp and unresponsive and your mind couldn't r e m e m b e r that he was a threat. He could then simply suggest what he wanted, and you would do it. T h e symptoms would
Recognizing
Judgment
55
disappear soon after he left, w h e n you recovered your awareness of what you wanted and how he was having you do something else. If this happened several times, you would undoubtedly think s o m e thing was w r o n g with you.You would begin to fear that your o w n recurring helplessness was more of a danger than the threat of this enemy. But then you found out he had a diabolical w e a p o n in the form of a subtle perfume, which, w h e n breathed in, caused the symptoms you felt each time. N o w you would no longer believe there was something w r o n g with you; you would prepare to defend yourself against this new weapon by purchasing a gas mask! This is one way ot seeing your difficulty with the j u d g e : you believe that your debilitating feelings and beliefs are what is w r o n g with you rather than recognizing them as part of the arsenal the j u d g e uses to attack you. Understanding h o w a j u d g m e n t causes a certain emotional effect in you helps you see the way the j u d g m e n t works as a skillful attack.
In
Session
D u r i n g a counseling session with me, George was unsettled from an incident that had happened the day before. He and his wife worked together, and she had been present while he told his secretary he was displeased with her way of handling things. He k n e w he had been intensely critical about what he felt was wrong, but although he was not terribly pleased with his behavior, he was ready to move on. His wife, however, was not ready to let it go and c o n tinued to go on about how insensitive and overbearing he had been with his secretary. George found it very difficult to be patient with her comments, however true they might have been. W h e n he couldn't listen anymore, he tried to tell her to stop. W h e n she kept harping on it, he finally did the only thing he k n e w other than to explode: he completely shut her out, clammed up, and stopped relating to her. That night, he slept on his own, as he sometimes does w h e n he and his wife reach an impasse. T h e next m o r n i n g , they could barely speak to each other. George found he was caught up in a major internal struggle. He was aware of his anger toward his wife, but he felt considerable conflict
56
SOUL
WITHOUT
SHAME
about it; he couldn't just let himself feel angry. As I asked him about the anger, he responded with many different explanations for why he was suppressing his angry feelings: T h e r e was n o t h i n g else he could do. Blowing up only hurt other people. His wife really was often t u n e d in and probably saw the truth in this situation. He just wasn't feeling very tolerant, but w h y did she have to go on and on and not listen to him? And so on. Clearly, his j u d g e was on his case about his anger. It wouldn't let him just be pissed off; it had convinced him his anger was unjustified because he had in fact done something w r o n g . By making him feel guilty about having anger, the j u d g e kept him away from simply allowing the anger in himself. I asked if he would consider letting himself express his anger toward her while there with me. He was hesitant because he didn't think it would do any good. Nevertheless, he decided to try, and though he couldn't let himself express the energy of the anger, he spoke out loud the words that sprang to mind: "You fucking bitch, h o w dare you speak to me that way!" He smiled, enjoying actually saying the terrible words. "And, oh, yes, there's m o r e . I want you to just take your righteousness and shove it up your goddamn asshole!" Again the smile. George was amazed at h o w that cleared away his conflict, and he no longer felt in turmoil or felt any anger toward his wife. George's j u d g e had been making him feel guilty about the e m o tion of anger c o m i n g up in response to her repeated attacks on his behavior:"You fucked up;you deserve to be reprimanded.And don't you dare get angry with m e " T h o u g h he spoke the words of anger to his wife, he was really defending himself against his own judge, w h o m he was hearing in her voice. My supporting him to ignore the guilt the attack was provoking enabled George to find the energy he needed to dispel the attack. T h e g r o u n d w o r k we are laying in these beginning chapters on b e c o m i n g aware of j u d g m e n t s will help you recognize that a j u d g m e n t is the same as an attack as far as the health of your being is concerned. O n e could even consider self-judgment the original psychic a u t o - i m m u n e disease. Because j u d g m e n t causes you to
Recognizing
Judgment
57
reject yourself, the basic health of your soul is at risk. T h e m o r e familiar you b e c o m e with how j u d g m e n t works, the more it actually feels like a self-destructive disease. T h e goal is to reestablish a vital survival energy and a healthy i m m u n e system that will respond to both attacks and j u d g m e n t s with awareness, alertness, energy, capacity, and appropriateness. T h e m o v e m e n t toward that goal reflects a continuing process ot unraveling why j u d g m e n t s have such a debilitating effect on you and learning to defend your right to your present experience with strength and vitality.
Principles
of Self-Judgment
T h e effect created by a j u d g m e n t leads to a first fundamental p r i n ciple: A judgment always touches on something you believe is true about
you. T h e content of most j u d g m e n t s is conjecture, opinion, suggestion, interpretation, accusation, or belief, but the hook for you is the way the content indicates or implies something that you think is true about your value or worth. Bob's boss was implying he was a failure w i t h o u t literally saying it. Bob is caught by this in the first example because he is afraid it is true. He is not afraid that his wanting was the worst piece of promotional writing his boss had ever seen.That is undoubtedly not true. He is afraid ot the implied j u d g ment. Deep down, he believes he is a failure and is afraid of what it will mean if he is found out. T h e key factor is not w h e t h e r a j u d g ment is true but w h e t h e r you believe that it is. T h e tricky part is that your belief in the truth of the j u d g m e n t may be completely unconscious and may even be the opposite of what you think you believe. David was angry at his girlfriend, Pani, for raking so long to get ready for the p r o m . W h e n she finally got into the car, he rebuked her, "I don't k n o w w h y you spend an h o u r putting on makeup. Everyone knows it's just a cover-up for h o w plain you look!" Pam was devastated.Though she was strikingly attractive and acted the p a r t — u s i n g her g o o d looks to win attention and b o y f r i e n d s — she had never believed in h e r o w n beauty. Instead, she was secretly convinced that her attractive appearance was the result of her
SOUL
58
WITHOUT
SHAME
m a k e u p and h e r p r e t e n d i n g and that people just w e n t along w i t h the charade. David's cruel c o m m e n t struck the deep place w h e r e this belief resided, and she felt exposed and helpless. T h e c l u e t o r e c o g n i z i n g y o u r h i d d e n b e l i e f i s t h a t y o u are h o o k e d by the j u d g m e n t a l statement. If you did n o t believe w h a t is i m p l i e d b y t h e j u d g m e n t i n a n y way, t h e n i t w o u l d h a v e n o d e b i l i t a t i n g effect o n y o u a n d y o u c o u l d d e f e n d y o u r s e l f a p p r o p r i a t e l y . T h i s w a s t h e case i n t h e s e c o n d e x a m p l e w i t h B o b e a r l i e r i n t h e c h a p t e r : B o b d i d n o t b e l i e v e i n his boss's i m p l i e d j u d g m e n t a n d s o w a s a b l e t o h a n d l e t h e a t t a c k effectively H e r e i s a n o t h e r e x a m p l e : J u d y b u m p e d into an old friend, Karen, at the natural food store. " H o w ' s it going, Karen? Have you got a man in your life yet?" Karen smiled and responded, " N o , no interesting eligible male has s h o w n his face in a dog's age. G o t any suggestions?" J u d y paused and frowned. "Lower your standards, if you ask m e . You always acted like you were t o o good for any m a n w h o was interested in you." "Well, that's a pretty j u d g m e n t a l assessment of me." Karen paused in t h o u g h t and then, l o o k i n g at Judy, c o n t i n u e d brightly, "If that were the case, it w o u l d explain everything, wouldn't it? I bet you're glad you don't have my problem!" T h e n she t u r n e d and walked away.
H e r e , K a r e n stays f o c u s e d o n J u d y ' s a t t a c k a n d i s n o t h o o k e d b y the j u d g m e n t . A j u d g m e n t , by definition, pushes one of your b u t t o n s — i t hits a s o r e s p o t . T h i s leads to t h e s e c o n d p r i n c i p l e : Because you believe there is some truth
in a judgment, it generates self-rejection
rather than self-defense. T h e
j u d g m e n t rejects y o u , b u t y o u c a n ' t s t o p i t b e c a u s e , o n s o m e level, y o u b e l i e v e w h a t i t i s s a y i n g . T h e n y o u are n o t o n l y a t t a c k e d b y t h e s t a t e m e n t itself b u t f u r t h e r b e t r a y e d a s t h e j u d g m e n t t u r n s you
against
yourself.
Unconsciously,
you
begin
to
feel
more
t h r e a t e n e d b y t h e d e f i c i e n t feelings a n d beliefs w a i t i n g t o arise i n y o u t h a n b y t h e attacker a n d t h u s c a n n o t defend yourself against the a c t u a l a t t a c k . F o r t h i s r e a s o n , f r o m n o w o n , I will refer t o judgments
Recognizing
Judgment
59
as attacks or use the terms synonymously.This will help support your awareness of what is o c c u r r i n g — b y identifying the true source of the t h r e a t — a n d mobilize your inner strength to respond appropriately This shift in awareness from " j u d g m e n t " to "attack" is one small support w o r t h cultivating, similar to the practice of stating the attack in the " y o u " form. A note here about defense: In psychological terms, a defense often refers to a way of avoiding something that is true or resisting input that would cause discomfort. This is particularly the case w h e n behavior is j u d g e d as being defensive. T h e person is considered to be closed-minded. Personality defenses, especially w h e n they are unconscious, are designed to protect a certain experience of the world, and so defensive behavior often colludes with the j u d g e . In contrast, a healthy defense is a direct, conscious act of supporting the truth. It is based on reality n o w and not on an idea about y o u r self from the past. Defending against the j u d g e means you have recognized that w h a t the j u d g e is saying is of little value w h e n it is wrapped up in a psychic attack; what's important is that it is attacking you and you are acting to stop the attack. I use "defending" as an active step in the process of "disengaging." T h e third principle is m o r e of a w a r n i n g than anything else: If the content of a judgment is in fact true—not Just believed to be true—it will be doubly hard to recognize and respond to the attack or negative valuation implicit in the judgment. George felt his wife's statements were " t r u e " because in fact he had been insensitive in his reaction to his secretary's behavior. However, he couldn't see that the problematic truth was not that he was insensitive but that being insensitive made him a bad person. This was the implicit truth he believed in that made it very difficult for h i m to allow his feelings of anger (and hurt) at her attack. He never did allow himself to feel the hurt underlying the anger. This leads us directly to the fourth principle: It does not matter if the content of a judgment is true; what's important is that it attacks you—it undermines your effectiveness, capacity, and sense of worth. O n c e the attack is dealt with, whatever truth is involved can be understood. R e a l growth involves learning from mistakes and seeing the truth about what works and what doesn't. W i t h the judge,
60
SOUL
WITHOUT
SHAME
though, the truth is only bait to h o o k you. T h e truth becomes a weapon the j u d g e uses against you. That is another important aspect of the j u d g e to keep in awareness: the j u d g e has no real interest in the truth itself. N o w we have e n o u g h understanding to formulate a basic definition of an attack: An attack is any comment or statement that triggers an
internal state
of diminishment—feeling smaller,
less
than,
or devalued.
This definition complements the definition of j u d g m e n t at the beginning of the chapter. No one, especially your judge, has the right to provoke in you painful or deficient feelings that cause you to reject yourself or take you away from your present experience, unless you ask for it. (In certain situations, such as therapy or spiritual practice, you may request or have an agreement to allow this kind of input in order to explore difficult feelings and their origins.) An important note to remember: N o t all statements that elicit painful feelings are attacks, and not all painful feelings are the result of an attack. In other words, just the fact that you feel unpleasant feelings does not mean you are under attack. S o m e o n e may give you the news of a friend's illness or tell you he c a n t accept your invitation to dinner or confront you with her desire to be m o r e intimate with you. These types of statements may bring up uncomfortable feelings such as sadness, disappointment, and protectiveness, but there was no intention to attack in the statements made. Furthermore, if you do not take these feelings as some reflection on your self-worth, there is no attack involved internally either. You can simply receive the information being communicated and allow the feelings that arise simply to be there. It may, however, be difficult to discern what is going on w h e n statements hit your sore spots, setting off your o w n self-attack. In these cases, it may be impossible to tell if the statement was meant as an attack. Let's say you're arriving late for an appointment with a small group of friends. As you walk in the door, you overhear one of them saying in the next r o o m , " O h , Laura's always late." If this is indeed an accurate observation and a characteristic of vour behavior that your friend has no charge or issue with, it may be that she is making a simple statement of fact, with no j u d g m e n t implied.
Recognizing Judgment
61
T h e n again, she may have b e e n attacking you consciously or u n c o n sciously. W h a t is most important is to recognize that if you experience deficiency or diminishment associated with that issue, you are under attack from your o w n j u d g e . Until you can see and feel that, it will be impossible to k n o w if your friend was j u d g i n g you. T h e m o r e you are able to recognize your o w n internal attacks, the easier it will be to discern those coming from outside. T h e need for clarity and discernment in disengaging from attacks calls u p o n one of the inherent capacities of the soul, an open and expanded awareness.
POINTS TO REMEMBER • A j u d g m e n t or attack is a statement of evaluation that implies an assessment of one's value or w o r t h and is felt as a rejection of one's present state. M o r e specifically, it is any c o m m e n t or statement that triggers an internal state of diminishment—feeling smaller, less than, or devalued. • Judgments attack you by generating certain emotions that arouse disarming self-beliefs. Understanding h o w a j u d g m e n t affects you emotionally and energetically helps you see that j u d g m e n t works as an insidious attack. This helps keep your focus on the attack and minimizes its u n d e r m i n i n g effect on you. • W h e n you feel judged, you believe you have to change yourself because something is w r o n g with you; w h e n you feel attacked, you k n o w you need to defend yourself. • A j u d g m e n t is an insidious form of attack because it points to a part of you you are not comfortable with, and thus, you believe the negative assessment isjustified.This belief, in turn, blocks your ability to respond to the j u d g m e n t as an attack because n o w you are seeing yourself not the j u d g m e n t , as the problem. • T u r n i n g your negative j u d g m e n t a l statements into positive ones can make you feel better, but it does not change the underlying dynamic of engaging in self-judgment in the first place. • Focusing on j u d g m e n t s as attacks makes it easier for you to
62
SOUL
WITHOUT
SHAME
respond appropriately, because you recognize an outside energy aggressively threatening your own state. • T h e m o r e you are able to recognize your o w n internal attacks, the easier it will be to discern those c o m i n g from outside. • Understanding h o w a j u d g m e n t affects you emotionally and energetically helps you see the way the j u d g m e n t works as a skillful attack. • N o t all statements that elicit painful feelings are attacks, and not all painful feelings are the result of an attack.
T H E STEPS OF J U D G M E N T R E C O G N I T I O N
Step 1.
Identify the attack or j u d g m e n t a l statement.
Step 2. Learn to recognize the experience of j u d g m e n t through the way it changes your energetic and somatic state. Step 3. Learn to recognize the emotional reaction you have to judgments. Step 4. See h o w a j u d g m e n t provokes self-rejection through intentionally making you teel a certain way
F O U R PRINCIPLES OF J U D G M E N T • First principle: A j u d g m e n t always touches on something you believe is true about you. • Second principle: Because you believe there is some truth in a j u d g ment, it generates self-rejection rather than self-defense. • Tliird principle: If the content of a j u d g m e n t is in fact t r u e — n o t just believed to be t r u e — i t will be doubly hard to recognize and respond to the attack implicit in the j u d g m e n t .
Recognizing
•
Judgment
63
Fourth principle: It does not matter if the content of a j u d g m e n t is true; what's important is that it attacks you: it undermines your effectiveness, capacity, and sense of self.
EXERCISE: OBSERVING JUDGMENTS/ATTACKS D u r i n g the next week, make a list of all the attacks you are aware of—if possible, as soon as you b e c o m e aware of t h e m . N o t i c e h o w each attack affects your energy, your awareness, and the physical experience of your body. Also note h o w the attack affects your e m o tional state. Step 1. W r i t e a phrase or brief sentence that describes the incident. Step 2. State each j u d g m e n t in the second person. This means write the j u d g m e n t s as " y o u " statements rather than " I " statements. ("You are stupid," not "I am stupid") Step 3.
Write down what you observe about your bodily and energetic response to the attack. W h a t sensations do you feel in your body? H o w has your relationship to the things and people in your environment shifted? H o w are your alertness and ability to respond to situations affected?
Step 4. In as simple terms as you can, n o t e your emotional state. W h a t kinds of feelings are provoked? H o w is your sense of yourself altered?
Frank felt the boards of the p o r c h u n d e r his bare feet and the way his legs still felt stiff from sleep. T h e terry cloth of the robe felt soft against his genitals, belly, and buttocks as it lightly b r u s h e d the skin; in his agitated state, it was mildly arousing. Crossing his arms over his chest seemed to keep h i m c o n t a i n e d and separate in s o m e protective way. His shoulders and face still felt tense from his aborted attempt at washing the dishes. He could feel s o m e apprehension in his chest as if there were danger lurking. Suddenly, it d a w n e d on h i m that the sense of danger was caused by the r e c u r r i n g c o m m e n t s of his j u d g e . He seemed m o r e sensitive than usual today, and in this state, he distinctly felt that his j u d g e was attacking h i m , no matter w h a t it was saying. It was unsettling to feel the danger right inside his o w n head. Frank t o o k a breath and exhaled. He was aware that his inner t e n sion felt at odds with w h a t was h a p p e n i n g a r o u n d h i m . He could smell coffee from next d o o r and hear kitchen sounds of D o u g and Louise over breakfast. In the distance, he could hear a lawn m o w e r and an o c c a sional d o g barking. Suddenly, a l o u d m o v i n g buzz caught his attention. A h u m m i n g b i r d was hovering over his head; it looked h i m straight in the eye before zipping off over the bushes beside the house. Frank's wariness began to subside as he noticed m o r e of the colors and sounds around h i m . A butterfly fluttered over the flowers in the garden below.The overgrown lawn in the backyard had a ragged, wild sense to its dark green color. A light breeze sent the soft w armth of the air past his neck, and Frank found himself starting to yawn. Stretching his arms high over his head, he filled his chest full of the m o r n i n g air. He let o u t a loud s o u n d as he exhaled and s h o o k himself, feeling his b o d y claim some space of its o w n . He felt at h o m e in himself and in the day. His m i n d was quiet. T
O
Don't forget your neck. It's not fixed, and just relaxing won't fix it. Besides, that lawn needs mowing, and the wheel on the lawn mower is broken. You have things to do . . .
Frank listened to the voice, and he listened to a m o c k i n g b i r d singing on the wire overhead. He took a deep breath and felt the space in his chest and the porch beneath his feet. He leaned over the railing and watched a squirrel making its way across the lawn. He enjoyed the sun w a r m i n g his shoulders t h r o u g h the robe. T h e voice c o n t i n u e d in his head, but n o w it was just o n e of the things he was aware of.
5 AWARENESS
T H E M O S T FUNDAMENTAL I M M E N M O N of o u r t r u e nature is familiar
to everyone in some form. This is the capacity for and experience of awareness. Awareness is what allows you to perceive reality and be in touch with your experience, w h e t h e r physical, emotional, mental, or spiritual. On a physical level, it is related to your five external senses and to your internal kinesthetic senses (your ability to feel tension, temperature, pain, pressure, balance, and so forth, within your b o d y ) . T h e physical senses register and transmit sensations to the brain, but awareness is what allows those perceptions to b e c o m e a part of your consciousness. You use your senses all the time but n o t necessarily with c o n sciousness, with awareness. W i t h o u t awareness, perception is mechanical and lacks the aliveness and presence ot the soul. You see, but do you really notice what is around you, especially in familiar locations? You hear, but do you actually listen to the sounds and vibrations of your environment? You sense, but are you aware of your body as a sensing organ? Do you k n o w where your arms and legs are and how they actually leel? Do you just think about your feelings, or do you actually perceive t h e m as energetic textures and t e n sions in your body? Awareness brings consciousness into perception and perception into consciousness. Awareness, however, has a more subtle aspect than conscious perception. You perceive what you pay attention to. Awareness includes not only perceptions themselves but the process of attending to them. Awareness develops as you begin noticing what you are
66
SOUL W I T H O U T SHA M E
aware of. In a m o r e self-retlective sense, this means being conscious of your awareness—noticing the range and clarity of your awareness and where it is focused, or where you are focused while being aware. Here, the recognition is that your reality at any given m o m e n t is largely determined by what you are aware of. Are you at this m o m e n t wrapped up in your thinking about a j u d g m e n t , memory, or plan? Are you totally focused on this b o o k you are reading and oblivious of yourself? Or are you in touch with your o w n experience, aware of your body, your feelmgs,and your thoughts now? T h e m o r e your awareness (that is, what you are aware of) includes yourself as you are, here in this m o m e n t , the m o r e you are living in the reality of the present. Accessing your essential capacity of awareness enables you to contact your immediate experience, which means you are m o r e present in your life. But first, you need to develop your ability to sense yourself and to recognize where you are at any given m o m e n t . T h e n you expand your perception ot where you are to include as much of you as possible.This may sound simple, but it is not so easy to do.
Awareness
and
the Judge
H o w does the j u d g e limit your awareness? T h e j u d g e wants awareness to be secondary to what it considers the correct perspective. In other words, it wants you to look at your experience from a point of view designed to support a particular experience of the world and of you. So it limits awareness by directing your attention along familiar paths. Perception becomes partial, and it becomes u n c o n scious.The j u d g e tells you what is important to pay attention to and what is not, and m o r e important, it tries to tell you what everything you experience means. But if you are not fully aware of your experience and h o w different elements of it relate to each other, h o w can you truly know what an experience means? True significance is not something imposed from the outside. But the j u d g e wants to impose its own meaning on your experience, so it puts up strong, often u n c o n scious, barriers against being fully aware. H o w can you k n o w 7
A wareness
67
whether some part of your experience is relevant for understanding i f y o f it? Awareness has t o c o m e f i r s t .You must perceive, sense, and contact your experience, including your body, your environment, your beliefs, your feelings, and your self-images. At the same time, you must see w h y you have believed that it is important to keep your awareness limited. You may hear your j u d g e telling you: " W h a t difference does it make what you are feeling in different parts of your body? You don't think with your arms or feel with your legs!" or " W h a t your body feels like right n o w is not going to help you figure out what to d o ! " or "Stop paying attention to your own feelings. This person is feeling bad, and it is important to focus on her." If you listen, you will find that your unbiased information gathering is being constantly challenged by the j u d g e . So the first and most fundamental o n g o ing practice for working with the j u d g e is to keep some attention reserved for being aware of your body and of your process of looking and listening. Engaging in this practice is the first and simplest step in c o n fronting the j u d g e . Instead of accepting its authority about what is happening and what is important, you will be discovering these things for yourself. T h e j u d g e gets all its juice from directing your attention toward the past and the future, so the practice will help to locate you in the present m o m e n t in your body. Furthermore, the judge w^ants to restrict your awareness to the specific things that will hook you and keep you hooked. By practicing your capacity to remain aware unaffected by prejudice, bias, or preference, you are taking away one of its supports. o u a r e n
o
t a
w
a
r
c
7
The
Experience
of Awareness
Your awareness is not only useful, it is valuable to experience as the ground of your essential nature. Awareness brings a definite quality to your experience: w h e n it is available in an unrestricted way, your rnind has a lightness, a clarity, and a cool freshness, almost like the air on a crisp fall day.Things appear bright and n e w as if you were seeing and hearing t h e m for the first time. You experience the immediacy of being in direct contact with the things you are aware
68
SOUL
WITHOUT
SHAME
of: your perception actually touches t h e m without thought, n a m ing, or categorization. All habitual familiarity is erased, and you are just here with the simple reality of your experience. Awareness has a sense of no boundaries, an openness from which nothing is excluded and in which things are not separate. It has no opinions, priorities, or values about what it is aware o f . W h e n you are aware, you feel awake, attentive and attuned, clear and spacious. Awareness can begin with your o w n breathing and the hairs on the back of your hand, and extend deep into your most hidden feelings, and wide into the hearts and minds of others. Awareness is independent of thinking. T h e m i n d may b e c o m e very quiet w h e n you are fully absorbed in simple awareness.There can be sounds, sensations, colors, shapes, movement, silence—all w i t h o u t thought.You may find yourself disappearing into or getting lost in the present m o m e n t . Y o u have lost your familiar orientation to your present experience, an orientation based on beliefs, m e m o ries, and expectations. This is c o m m o n , and it is one of the qualities of awareness most disturbing for the j u d g e . H o w will you act, behave, and do what needs to be done if there is no thought? H o w will vou k n o w w h o you are if you are not thinking about yourself? Should this experience actually arise, take the time simply to be with the experience and see what it is like. Do you in fact lose the capacity to move or function? H o w is m e m o r y related to a sense of heightened awareness? Can you be w i t h or relate to another person in a state of unrestricted awareness? Be forewarned that w h e n you try to stay with your present awareness rather than getting caught up in obsessing about something that you did yesterday or worrying about an event next week, your j u d g e will tend to attack you unmercifully. Or if you manage to pay attention to h o w your b o d y feels in the m o m e n t , it will say that you did it w r o n g or that there is something w r o n g with you because of what you are feeling. " W h a t good is sensing w h e n we have things to think about and take care o f ? " D o n ' t be surprised w h e n this happens. Just r e m e m b e r that awareness is your n u m b e r one tool in confronting j u d g m e n t . T h e j u d g e needs to control where you put your attention and what you are aware of. Beware!
Awareness
69
PRACTICE: EXPANDING SELF-AWARENESS S t e p 1.
Sensing your body: Seat yourself in a comfortable chair. Close your eyes. Sense whatever you are aware of in your b o d y starting from the top of your head and proceeding down to your feet. N o t i c e sensations, temperature, tension, emotions, energy, movement, and so on, including no feeling or sensation. Can you hold the awareness of your whole body simultaneously after you have been through all the parts? W h a t is your overall sense of your self w h e n you finish?
S t e p 2.
Looking and listening: O p e n your eyes and bring your attention into the experience of looking and listening. First notice the experience of looking at what's around you. Pay more attention to the overall experience of l o o k i n g — s e e ing patterns, colors, and shapes-—than to anything in particular you are seeing. Do the same with listening. Be aware of yourself as someone w h o is looking and listening.These are two of your most c o m m o n activities, but normally, you focus on wh at you perceive and not on the experience of looking and listening itself.
S t e p 3.
Awareness during the day: D u r i n g the rest ot the day, w h e n you can remember, bring your attention back into your body, b e c o m i n g aware oí the activities of listening and looking. N o t i c e where you are regardless of what is o c c u r ring; don't assume that your observations about what seems to be taking place or what seems important reflect the entire picture. N o t i c e h o w you feel about w h e r e you are and wh at is occurring. N o t e : Do these m o m e n t s of self-rememberine as often as you can with the intention that they will happen easily and naturally. D o n ' t be surprised if at first you have to stop wh at vou are doing to sense yourself. Go ahead and stop for a few m o m e n t s .
70
S OL1L W I T H O U T S H A M b
Step 4. Awareness while functioning: When you feel ready, choose an activity simple e n o u g h that you can do the task and have e n o u g h attention left to notice yourself doing it. T h e intention is to be able to continue functioning as you sense, look, and listen. After a while, you will find you can wash dishes, drive a car, or perhaps even talk on the p h o n e while still sensing yourself. W i t h practice, you will be able to maintain open self-awareness through sensing, looking, and listening as you go about your day.
You think you must use effort to make yourself aware. That's not true. Effort always restricts your awareness and you need to see how you are restricting it. It is natural and effortless to be completely aware, but you interfere. It is our nature to be aware. That is why it's possible joryou to see the truth. The truth is our nature. Ultimately we are awareness. — A. H. Almaa.s, Diamond Heart Book 2, p. 117
H u n g e r was g n a w i n g at Frank's ample belly, calling h i m into the kitchen for his m o r n i n g meal. Unfortunately, he was faced with the unfinished dishes in the sink. He considered avoiding t h e m and just getting his breaktast, but his internal voice was back. O
Don't you dare ignore those dishes. Sue will be on jour case, and besides, vou know you willfeel much better if you clean them up now.
After putting the last clean dish in the rack, Frank o p e n e d the refrigerator and got out the orange juice, apple juice, yogurt, blackberries, bee pollen, w h e a t g e r m , bread, and j a m . N e x t to t h e m on the counter, he p u t a cereal bowl, spoon, knife, banana, peach, spirulina, and a box of granóla. T h e n he t u r n e d on the radio to catch the m o r n i n g news. N o w he was ready. This was o n e of his favorite activities: m a k i n g his m o r n i n g meal. O
Now let's not overdo it this morning. Guess why you have been suffering from irritable bowel syndrome and having so much gas lately.Your eyes and your mouth are way ahead of your poor intestines, and your belly shows it. Now, wait a minute. Everything I eat is healthy, and besides, breakfast makes me feel good, so I am more likely lo relax and not feel stressed. Life is just not worth living without a decent breakfast.
First the granóla went into the bowl, followed by half a banana and a peach sliced up, a handful of blackberries, two spoonfuls ot wheat g e r m , and o n e of bee pollen. T h e n in went apple j u i c e for liquid and yogurt for texture and flavor. C-
What a mishmash! Are you really going to eat that messPYuuckk!
Frank could hear S u e s voice in his head. He let the cereal sit while he sliced a bagel and p u t it in the toaster and then stirred a spoonful of spirulitia into a glass of orange juice. C-
You sure know how to ruin a glass of OJ!
This time, it was his m o t h e r s voice talking to him. He put the cereal and the orange j u i c e on the kitchen table next to the m o r n i n g paper. W h e n the bagel was toasted, he buttered it and p u t it on a plate with some j a m and then set it next to the cereal bowl. He checked to make sure he had everything and at last sat d o w n to e a t . T h e n it was the voice of the Z e n master w h o s e b o o k he was reading: So now, as usual,you arc going to eat, read the paper, and listen to the radio all at once. Never waste a minute, do you?
6 WHAT
IS
JUDGED?
JUDGMENT IS U B I Q U I T O U S . It can arise in relation to any part of your life. You can, and will, find yourself under attack about your behavior, your relationships, your friends and colleagues, your family, your belongings, your h o m e , your habits, your attitudes, your body, your thoughts, your feelings, your hopes and dreams, your inner work, even your j u d g m e n t s of yourself and others. Because of this fact, this b o o k focuses m o r e on the form and process of j u d g ment than on the content. Ultimately, the many objects of selfattack are interchangeable. O n e m o m e n t you may feel attacked for the unsatisfying relationship you are in, and the next m o m e n t the attack has shifted to your appearance, followed by the state of your kitchen. M o m e n t s later, you are attacking yourself for your depressed and hopeless attitude about things, w h e r e u p o n you find yourself righteously critical of the garden crew m o w i n g the lawn next door. W h e n you have a little distance, the chameleonlike quality of the judge's concerns can sometimes b e c o m e quite laughable. Nevertheless, in the interest of developing awareness of selfj u d g m e n t , w h e n it arises and why, it can be helpful to look at the significant areas of self-attack that almost everyone deals with. By occupying your m i n d with the specific details of your personal experience, you can easily believe that your problems are unique. They are not.We do not all find the same laults in ourselves, but the categories of faults for which we attack ourselves are remarkably few.You will discover that the j u d g e is not very creative. Unfortunately, it doesn't need to be.
Soui. wITHOUT SHAMb
74
Your
Body
Your body is the most visible and tangible expression of w h o you are and thus the easiest target for the attacks of your j u d g e Y o u j u d g e yourself about your appearance in relation to the shape and size of your body and its parts. "You're too short. . . .Your breasts are too small. . . .You have puny little biceps. . . .Your penis is pitiful. . . . You are losing all your hair. . . .Your skin is getting all wrinkled." You j u d g e yourself for w h a t you do to your appearance. " W h a t a lousy makeup j o b . You must not have been awake this m o r n i n g . . . . Your hair hasn't seen a brush in days. . . . Purple nail polish? You must be kidding. . . . It's time you worked out those blubber thighs." And of course, there is the aspect of h o w you dress. "You wore that shirt yesterday.You can't wear it today. . . . T h o s e colors clash. . . . T h o s e look like pajamas. . . .You're going to work in that? . . .That looks like something your m o t h e r would wear." But appearance is only o n e dimension of your body that you tend to j u d g e , though attacks on appearance are often the most c o n stant and vicious.You also attack the way your body functions and responds.You blame it for accidents, mistakes, failures, and illness— as well as for lack of support, lack of motivation, and lack ot capacity. "Just r e m e m b e r that your back gives out on you just w h e n you need it. . . .You always get sick w h e n you have a lot to get done. . . . W o m e n love h o w you look, but wait until they get into b e d with you. . . You always lose your damn voice just w h e n it's time to stand up for yourself. . . .You can't trust your body. Do what the doctor says." These attacks will b e c o m e part of a vicious cycle w h e n behaviors begin to take on an addictive quality through overeating, drugs, smoking, drinking. T h o s e behaviors will be the object of the selfattacks as well as a way to try and escape them. A m o r e subtle area of attack especially relevant in the process of self-understanding is your attitude toward your body. As you pay attention to your experience, you inevitably b e c o m e aware of howlittle you actually sense your b o d y from m o m e n t to m o m e n t , h o w little you pay attention to it, and h o w little you trust and value it as your h o m e . T h e s e realizations can be uncomfortable, if not painful, and often lead to self-attack."What is w r o n g with you that you can't
What
Is Judged?
75
even feel your body? There must be something bad there you don't want to feel. . . .You should relax more. . . .You've got a real p r o b lem if you don't even k n o w what you want to eat. . . . So w h y did you get sick right now? Are you avoiding something? . . .You care less about your body than about your car." Self-judgment in relation to your b o d y reflects the tendency to see things in terms of different polarities. In the area of appearance, the dichotomies are generally beautiful and ugly or attractive and repulsive: at a more fundamental level, thev are acceptable and unacceptable or recognized and invisible. In the realm of body function, the dichotomies are usually strong and weak, capable and deficient, graceful and awkward,
active and passive,
or powerful and impotent.
As far as your attitude toward your body, you attack yourself in terms of caring and apathy, intelligence
and
aliveness and deadness,
trust and fear,
or
stupidity.
Your Job H o w you make a living is another area of your life that is constantly available for self-attack. T h e kind of w o r k you do, where you work, with and for w h o m you work, and h o w successful you are can all play a part in your j u d g m e n t of yourself. As with your body, criticism in this area will often be based on comparison to others, w h e t h e r they are friends, colleagues, neighbors,TV or movie characters, or your parents. For many people, work is connected to their sense of being an adult. So having a full-time j o b (whatever it is), keeping the j o b , making a living, and paying the bills are all synonymous with being responsible and g r o w n - u p . Any slippage in this area (being laid off, having part-time w o r k that only covers the bills, or w o r k i n g full-time but not making enough money) subjects you to attacks about not being mature, adult, independent, and able to take care of yourself. However you came to your j o b — w h e t h e r you chose it, found yourself led to it. or were forced to take i t — y o u may be attacked about that process."How could you have chosen to work here? . . . O n l y a m o r o n would have been so passive about where he ended up working. . . . I told you to do m o r e research before accepting
76
SOUL
WITHOUT
SHAME
that offer. . . .Your lack of brains forced you to take this kind of j o b . . . .You lucked into this j o b ; let's see if you can hold on to it." T h e n there is the kind of work you do. For many people, what they do is a measure of their self-worth, their status, their sense of capacity and accomplishment. For others, it affects their sense of meaning in life: Do I like what I do? Does it reflect something special about me? Do I feel creative in it? Does it serve other people? Thus, it is c o m m o n for you to have conscious or unconscious standards about what w o r k you do. Even the question of w h e t h e r you consider it a j o b , a career, a profession, or a calling reflects your investment in your w o r k and, often, your standards for yourself. It is important to r e m e m b e r that whenever you create a standard, you are c o m p a r i n g yourself—maybe not to others, but to an i d e a l — a n d that means self-judgment is active.The kind of work you do is the subject of self-attack w h e n you believe it is u n w o r t h y of you, w h e n you don't like it even if it is respectable or desirable, w h e n you are not good at it or anticipate your own failure, or w h e n it seems too easy or t o o good to be true. Even if you are satisfied with the kind of work you do, the j u d g e can torture you by laying d o w n impossible standards of success. Most people are not even aware of what brings t h e m true satisfaction, so they rely on standards set forth by the j u d g e . T o make matters worse, the j u d g e can always change the standard and thus find some foothold for dissatisfaction and attack. To top it all off, many people's judges set m u c h higher success standards for themselves than for others or than the situation warrants, indicating the lack of reality in their self-evaluation. So you see h o w self-judgment makes success a goal almost impossible to reach. H o w do you measure your success? Is it a matter of getting through the day, bringing h o m e the paycheck? Or is it m o r e about getting beyond your anxiety and terror at failure in order to feel accomplished at what you do? Is it about the results of your work, the service you provide, or the event or object you produce? H o w rare it is for all three of these to coincide. W h e n you feel you do not succeed, what does that say about you?Your j u d g e will tell you many things:"This shows you don't have what it takes. . . .You can't really take care of yourself. . . . N o w we see the result of your goofing off
What
Is Judged?
11
all those years in school. . . . No one will ever be proud of you o w . . . .You should be ashamed to show your face. . . . Dad always said you would never a m o u n t to anything." Your j o b also has a location, a context, and an implicit relationship with others. W h e n the j u d g e needs a m m u n i t i o n for criticizing you, it can use any of these elements: if you travel to w o r k — weather, c o m m u t i n g , public transportation; if you work at h o m e — household distractions, isolation, never getting out. T h e j u d g e can find standards, comparisons, or grievances for every aspect of your work situation: the kind of office or work space, regular or irregular hours, a m o u n t of light and noise, the boss's personality, w o r k i n g alone or with others, contact w i t h the public, degree of privacy, discipline, motivation, and rest. And certainly, some of the most obvious self-attacks at work c o m e in relation to colleagues: "You are not working as hard as they are. W h a t will they think if you finish first? .. .You can tell the boss likes her better. . . . He's never going to speak to you again because you didn't say hello. . . .You always say too much at meetings.They're going to find out you don't really k n o w what you're doing." And of course,your j u d g e can always t u r n its attacks toward others, in your m i n d or out loud. n
Your
Relationships
Self-attacks take on a life of their o w n in intimate relationships. Here more than in any other situation, your self-judgments are provoked, supported, and reflected. Your self-judgments and those of your partner are implicitly and unconsciously interwoven with h o w you experience yourself and h o w you experience each other. Your j u d g ments are based on standards that define what you are looking for in the relationship, what you find valuable in it, and what bothers you about it. These standards also d e t e r m i n e h o w you believe you and your partner need to be in order for the relationship to work. T h e standards unconsciously influence h o w you behave and h o w you respond, thereby affecting the way your partner perceives and responds to you. Attacking yourself about the relationship is basically away to maintain or p r o m o t e these standards .Though your attention in a primary relationship tends to be on what is happening in the
78
SOUL
WIrHOUT
SHAME
other or between you and the other, the deciding factor in how you experience the connection tends to be your o w n unconscious standards. W h e n the relationship is in a blissful or falling-in-love stage, the j u d g e is either silent about or actively p r o m o t i n g the current dynamic, because what is happening is fitting its standards. H o w ever, as time passes, real life intrudes, and the interaction no longer reflects the standards.This is w h e n self-criticism begins. Because of the e n m e s h m e n t between intimate partners, self-attack often becomes mirrored externally by the other, w h e t h e r consciously intended or not. In other words, you will very often find your partner criticizing the same things in you that your j u d g e attacks. This brings up several possibilities: Did your partner really say that, or did you just think you heard it because your j u d g e is saying it? Does your partner really feel that way about you, or have you provoked that feeling by outwardly reacting to your own judge? Or did you choose a partner you are comfortable with because that person sounds like your judge? These are the kinds of complicated questions that b e c o m e relevant as you notice your self-attacks in an established intimate relationship. O n c e a certain stability or predictability in a relationship is achieved, you will experience a corresponding resistance to b e c o m i n g clear about w h o is feeling what and why.This is the work of the judge. It believes that ennieshment is necessary for attachment, and attachment is fundamental to relationship. On the one hand, the j u d g e is invested in attacking you for h o w things are in the relationship—how things haven't changed, h o w you are not getting what you want, h o w you are afraid to stand up for yourselt, and h o w you are not a good partner. It does this by constantly shitting the blame between you, your partner, and the relationship, with no real interest in understanding the truth. On the other hand, the more you observe, the more it becomes clear that your j u d g e is determined that the relationship not change, because that means failure. For the j u d g e , if the relationship moves into deeper intimacy or m o r e clarity, it means risking the discovery of unacceptable things about you or your partner. C h a n g e is perceived as threatening the existing stability, w h i c h means you will be rejected or you will find
What
Is Judged?
79
y o u r p a r t n e r u n a c c e p t a b l e , w h i c h m e a n s t h e r e l a t i o n s h i p will n o t survive. A t a c e r t a i n p o i n t , y o u b e g i n t o realize t h a t y o u are n o t o n l y d e a l i n g w i t h y o u r o w n j u d g e , y o u are also d e a l i n g w i t h y o u r p a r t ner's j u d g e a n d y o u r p a r t n e r ' s s t a n d a r d s t h a t his o r h e r j u d g e i s s u p p o r t i n g . A s y o u b e c o m e a w a r e o f t h i s , y o u are f a c e d w i t h j u s t h o w c o n s t r a i n e d y o u are b y t h e s e i n t a n g i b l e forces o p e r a t i n g i n t h e r e l a tionship. I n t i m a t e relationship is n o t a t w o - w a y c o n n e c t i o n b u t a four-way c o n n e c t i o n in w h i c h each person is dealing w i t h a n o t h e r p e r s o n a n d t w o j u d g e s . I m a g i n e w h a t f r e e d o m a n d ease t h e r e m i g h t b e i f y o u w e r e o n l y d e a l i n g w i t h y o u r p a r t n e r ! I n fact, m o s t c o n flicts a n d difficulties i n r e l a t i o n s h i p w o u l d d i s a p p e a r i f t h e j u d g m e n t s ceased. As it h a p p e n s , t h o u g h , m o s t p e o p l e w o u l d be terrified t o let g o o f t h e i r s t a n d a r d s a n d beliefs a b o u t h o w t h i n g s n e e d t o b e in relationship.They tend to believe that these standards d e t e r m i n e security and satisfaction.This is the judge's approach: m a k e sure the r e l a t i o n s h i p i s m e a s u r e d a g a i n s t t h e r u l e s o r a t least t h o s e h a r d - w o n p r i n c i p l e s l e a r n e d f r o m past e x p e r i e n c e . R a t h e r t h a n p r o v i d e fixed s t a n d a r d s t o r f u t u r e b e h a v i o r , e x p e r i e n c e , w h e n i n t e g r a t e d , serves t o d e v e l o p y o u r i n h e r e n t c a p a c i t i e s t o b e y o u r s e l f a n d relate f r o m t h a t truth. H o w can y o u r j u d g e k n o w h o w things s h o u l d be? Is a relat i o n s h i p real a n d vital b e c a u s e i t m e e t s y o u r s t a n d a r d s o r b e c a u s e o f the unfolding mystery that c o n n e c t s y o u and y o u r partner? T r u e p e a c e a n d satisfaction o n l y c o m e f r o m k n o w i n g , b e i n g , a n d r e l a t i n g f r o m y o u r t r u e n a t u r e . F o l l o w i n g t h e j u d g e ' s s t a n d a r d s will n o t g e t you there. Y o u b e l i e v e t h a t y o u r j u d g e i s n e e d e d t o k e e p y o u safe i n r e l a t i o n s h i p . T h e m o r e v u l n e r a b l e y o u are, t h e m o r e y o u t h i n k y o u n e e d i t t o p r o t e c t y o u . T h e o p p o s i t e i s t r u e : t h e m o r e t w o p e o p l e are w i l l i n g t o b e v u l n e r a b l e i n t h e m s e l v e s a n d w i t h e a c h o t h e r , t h e less t h e y will n e e d t h e i r j u d g e s for p r o t e c t i o n . I n fact, t h e h e a l t h a n d v i a b i l ity of a r e l a t i o n s h i p is u l t i m a t e l y r e l a t e d to t h e c a p a c i t y for s h a r i n g vulnerability.Whenever o n e p e r s o n in a relationship is unwilling or u n a b l e t o c o n t a c t his o r h e r v u l n e r a b i l i t y i n t h e i n t e r a c t i o n , t h e r e i s a s i m u l t a n e o u s m o v e m e n t i n t o j u d g m e n t : self-attack, attack of t h e other, or b o t h . T h i s is a c h i c k e n - o r - t h e - e g g situation: Do you resort t o j u d g m e n t for p r o t e c t i o n b e c a u s e y o u d o n ' t feel safe, o r are y o u
SOUL, W I T H O U T
80
SHAMF.
n o t f e e l i n g safe b e c a u s e o f t h e p r e s e n c e o f j u d g m e n t ? T h i s i s a f u n d a m e n t a l q u e s t i o n in d e a l i n g w i t h t h e j u d g e . We will e x p l o r e it extensively as we go along. J u d g m e n t s a b o u t intimate relationship overlap w i t h j u d g m e n t s a b o u t y o u r b o d y a n d y o u r j o b i n t w o o t t h e m o s t difficult areas for any c o u p l e t o w o r k t h r o u g h : sex a n d m o n e y . Sexual i n t e r a c t i o n g e n erally i n v o l v e s i n t i m a t e p h y s i c a l v u l n e r a b i l i t y i n t h e c o n t e x t o f m i n i m a l v e r b a l c o m m u n i c a t i o n . T h e less c o n f i d e n c e i n t h e n o n v e r b a l c o n n e c t i o n , t h e m o r e y o u w i l l feel i s o l a t e d a n d e x p o s e d i n l o v e m a k i n g . I n r e s p o n s e , y o u r j u d g e will b e h y p e r a c t i v e t o f i l l i n t h e g a p a n d e v a l u a t e w h a t takes p l a c e . I s o l a t i o n t e n d s t o s u p p o r t y o u r j u d g e s h i g h e x p e c t a t i o n o f y o u r p e r f o r m a n c e (as w e l l a s o f y o u r b o d y , y o u r d e s i r e , y o u r skills, a n d s o f o r t h ) a n d c o r r e s p o n d i n g d i s a p p o i n t m e n t i n y o u r a c t u a l e x p e r i e n c e . M a n y p e o p l e d e a l w i t h this s i t u a t i o n Inp u t t i n g u p a false front t o m a s k t h e i r f e e l i n g s , f o c u s i n g o n p l e a s i n g t h e i r p a r t n e r , o r s i m p l y h a v i n g n o feelings. T h e j u d g e i s a n a c t i v e agent
in
maintaining
expectation,
disappointment,
denial,
and
avoidance. A n o t h e r area t h a t c o u p l e s t e n d n o t t o c o m m u n i c a t e a b o u t i s m o n e y . M o n e y s y m b o l i z e s s e c u r i t y , p o w e r , possibility, h o p e , i n d e pendence, freedom—many
different
things
for
people—but
it
always r e p r e s e n t s s o m e f u n d a m e n t a l s u p p o r t for w h o t h e y w o u l d l i k e t o b e . A n d j u s t a s w i t h o t h e r p a r t s o f y o u r life, t h e u n c o n s c i o u s beliefs a n d s t a n d a r d s y o u l e a r n e d i n y o u r f a m i l y i n f l u e n c e h o w y o u operate around money. As long as these assumptions remain u n c o n scious, y o u c a n n o t help b u t assume that others share t h e m . N o t e v e r y o n e d o e s , a n d v e r y o f t e n y o u r p a r t n e r h a s a d i f f e r e n t set o f beliefs t h a n y o u r s . T h e j u d g e i s n o t i n t e r e s t e d i n t h o s e a s s u m p t i o n s ' b e c o m i n g c o n s c i o u s o r u n d e r s t o o d ; its o n l y i n t e r e s t i s t h a t its beliefs a n d s t a n d a r d s b e m a i n t a i n e d s o y o u r h o p e for y o u r s e l f i s n o t lost. This h o p e is maintained through attacking yourself and your partn e r w h e n f i n a n c i a l difficulties arise, a s t h e y always d o .
Your Inner Work In y o u r external e x p e r i e n c e in t h e world, it is possible to m i n i m i z e a n t a g o n i z i n g y o u r j u d g e b y staying aligned w i t h y o u r c o n d i t i o n e d
What
Is Judged?
81
s t a n d a r d s a n d beliefs. M a n y p e o p l e s p e n d t h e i r w h o l e lives d o i n g their best to follow the coaching, guidance, and warnings of the inner c r i t i c . S o c i e t y s u p p o r t s this. H o w e v e r , i f y o u c h o o s e t o p u r sue i n n e r w o r k — t h e search for u n d e r s t a n d i n g w h o y o u are, w h a t your life m e a n s , a n d w h a t reality i s — y o u are b y n e c e s s i t y s e t t i n g yourself directly in conflict w i t h y o u r j u d g e . To explore w h a t y o u believe, w h a t y o u e x p e r i e n c e , w h y y o u act a n d feel t h e w a y y o u d o , is to question the authority of the j u d g e . To b r i n g the u n d e r p i n nings o f y o u r p s y c h o l o g i c a l reality ( h o w y o u t h i n k a n d feel) i n t o consciousness m e a n s potentially replacing those assumptions and beliefs w i t h d i r e c t k n o w l e d g e . T h i s w o u l d m e a n e x p e r i e n c i n g t h a t your c o n s c i o u s a w a r e n e s s c a n b e g i n t o t a k e t h e p l a c e o f a c c e p t e d standards and beliefs.Then y o u d o n ' t n e e d t o b e g u i d e d , l i m i t e d , a n d controlled by the unconscious through your judge. T h e j u d g e c a n n o t see this p r o c e s s a s a n y t h i n g b u t a t h r e a t t o its job a n d its a u t h o r i t y . I t will a t t a c k y o u d i r e c t l y a n d i n d i r e c t l y , b l a tantly a n d covertly, i n a n effort t o m a i n t a i n t h e s e d e e p beliefs. " Y o u will d i s c o v e r h o r r i b l e a n d u n a c c e p t a b l e t h i n g s a b o u t y o u r s e l f i f y o u c o n t i n u e . . . . P e o p l e w o n ' t like y o u . . . . Y o u will be o v e r w h e l m e d by the p a i n . . . . It's s t u p i d a n d a w a s t e of t i m e to be a s k i n g all t h e s e q u e s t i o n s . . . . W h a t ' s w r o n g w i t h t h e w a y y o u ' v e always d o n e i t ? " B e s i d e s t h e s e d i r e c t a t t a c k s , t h e j u d g e will t r y t o t a k e o v e r t h e p r o c e s s b y s e t t i n g u p its o w n s t a n d a r d s for h o w i n n e r w o r k m u s t b e d o n e , t h e r e b y c o v e r t l y m a i n t a i n i n g t h e o l d n e c e s s i t y t o live u p t o s t a n d a r d s . " Y o u b e t t e r l e a r n t o s t o p j u d g i n g yourself. . . . Y o u h a v e to p a y a t t e n t i o n to y o u r s e l f all t h e t i m e . . . . Y o u are so lazy a b o u t y o u r m e d i t a t i o n . . . . Y o u r t h e r a p i s t w o u l d n ' t like y o u r t h i n k i n g
that." T h e j u d g e e n g e n d e r s fear i n y o u a b o u t y o u r i n n e r e x p l o r a t i o n t h r o u g h a t t a c k i n g y o u for r e v e a l i n g u n a c c e p t a b l e m o t i v a t i o n s (fear, hatred, jealousy, desire), w a r n i n g y o u
about uncovering buried
feelings (pain, d e f i c i e n c y , grief, d i s g u s t ) , a n d t h r e a t e n i n g y o u w i t h the c o n s e q u e n c e s ( r e j e c t i o n , a b a n d o n m e n t , a l i e n a t i o n ) . T h i s w o r k s against v u l n e r a b i l i t y i n y o u r o w n p r o c e s s . T h e v e r y activities y o u are s e t t i n g i n m o t i o n i n t h e f i r s t f e w c h a p t e r s o f this b o o k w i l l b r i n g you into m o r e awareness of and contact with y o u r j u d g e , w h i c h m e a n s y o u will b e m o r e v u l n e r a b l e t o t h e f e e l i n g o f b e i n g
82
SOUL
WITHOUT
SHAME
a t t a c k e d . T h i s i s n o t e n j o y a b l e o r c o m f o r t a b l e . Y o u r j u d g e w i l l sav it is bad and m u s t be avoided. B u t w i t h o u t the willingness to bring the j u d g m e n t
experience
into
consciousness,
face
the
attacks
directly, a n d d e f e n d y o u r r i g h t t o v u l n e r a b i l i t y , y o u c a n n o t u n d e r t a k e i n n e r w o r k i n a m e a n i n g f u l way. T h e m o s t y o u c a n d o i s g a t h e r i n f o r m a t i o n i n y o u r m i n d . Y o u c a n n o t o p e n t o t h e fullness of your
experience
and
the
deeper
knowing
that
brings
self-
understanding.
Self-Distrust I n o r d e r t o c h a l l e n g e t h e j u d g e a n d d i s e n g a g e f r o m its a t t a c k s , y o u w i l l c o n f r o n t d i f f e r e n t levels o f c o n c e r n t h a t u n d e r l i e y o u r seltj u d g m e n t . T h e first relates t o y o u r p e r c e p t i o n o f y o u r f u n c t i o n i n g a s e x p r e s s e d i n t h e areas o f b o d y , j o b , a n d r e l a t i o n s h i p , a s d e s c r i b e d earlier in the chapter. O n this level, y o u c o n s t a n t l y q u e s t i o n yourself i n r e l a t i o n t o your
capacities, functioning, relationships, acceptance, rejection,
ability, s u c c e s s , i n d e p e n d e n c e , a n d s o o n : D o I h a v e w h a t i t t a k e s t o w o r k , have friends, a partner, be attractive, a n d so on? Do p e o p l e really l i k e m e ? C a n I w i n t h e a p p r o v a l o f m y b o s s , m y p a r t n e r , m y parents? Are p e o p l e talking a b o u t me b e h i n d my back? Do I have t h e w i l l p o w e r t o s u c c e e d i n life? All t h e s e q u e s t i o n s c a n b e r e d u c e d t o o n e basic issue: H o w a m I d o i n g ? T h e u n d e r l y i n g beliefs t h a t d r i v e t h e c o n s t a n t q u e s t i o n s a n d a t t a c k s are: 1 a m l a c k i n g s o m e t h i n g i m p o r t a n t , I c a n ' t d o i t r i g h t , I ' m a failure, a n d I d o n t h a v e w h a t i t takes. T h e u n c o n s c i o u s r e a l i t y u n d e r l y i n g t h e s e beliefs a r e t h e l a c k o f c o n t a c t w i t h t h e soul's t r u e n a t u r e . T h i s l a c k o f c o n t a c t i s e x p e r i e n c e d a s s o m e t h i n g f u n d a m e n t a l m i s s i n g , w h i c h m a n i f e s t s a s a loss of self-esteem. T h e bodily e x p e r i e n c e is of a deficient emptiness. W h a t is n e e d e d is to stop t h e self-attacks a n d simply be w i t h t h e emptiness, allowing it to b e c o m e the spaciousness of the souls true n a t u r e a n d t h e o p e n n e s s i n w h i c h all n e e d e d essential q u a l i t i e s c a n arise. T h e n e x t level i s m o r e c e n t r a l a n d m o r e d i s t u r b i n g . T h e q u e s t i o n i n g f o c u s e s o n w h a t y o u feel like u n d e r n e a t h all y o u r a c t i v i t y :
What
Is Judged?
83
Am I grown up? Am I big e n o u g h to handle my life? Am I always this tired? W h y do I feel so small? W h o says I need anyone's help? H o w come I am so alone? Am 1 always this afraid? These questions are m o r e about the polarity of grandiosity and deficiency. T h e basic issue is: What's w r o n g with me? T h e underlying belief is: I am small, weak, helpless, defenseless, vulnerable, and alone. H e r e what is needed is the ability to tolerate this fundamental experience of the conditioned self as you explore what the true nature of the soul is. At this deeper level of inner work, as you uncover your beliefs and experiences about w h o you are, you recognize the j u d g e has a profound distrust in the fact of your existence in the m o m e n t . It must justify, relate, define, explain, and analyze w h o you are, c o m p a r i n g you to the past and measuring you against the future.The j u d g e believes you must rely on past beliefs, standards, and guidelines in order to continue to exist. It does not believe that if you let yourself feel these scary feelings of deficiency you will survive. Its ongoing belief is that n o t h i n g good can or will happen in the present by itself.This distrust fuels its attacks on your efforts to understand w h o and what you are. M a t u r i n g does mean learning from past experience, but the judge does n o t help you grow from past mistakes or successes. It insists that you relive the past by maintaining a fixed sense of w h o you are. W h a t you learn from your past experience then becomes limited by your conditioned sense of self. T h e j u d g e says you cannot question what you assume or believe; in fact, you cannot even bring this conditioning into awareness. According to the j u d g e , doing that will cause too much pain, be too shameful, cause others to reject you, make you wrong, or be overwhelming. This is not learning what works from your experience; this is suppressing your experience to preserve a limited perspective on life. W h y does the j u d g e feel this is necessary? And w h y do you c o n tinue to participate in its perspective? Because you have no trust that what you will discover about reality or true nature has value or goodness to it. You have forgotten your soul nature, and n o w the unspoken belief is that what arises in your inner experience will bring you harm or make your life unlivable, unless mediated (censored, shaped, rejected, or approved) by the j u d g e .
84
SOUL WITHOUT
Stopping
SHAME
Expansion
T h i s distrust manifests blatantly in t h e j u d g e ' s reaction to y o u r e x p e r i e n c e s o f e x p a n s i o n . Expansion h e r e refers t o s i t u a t i o n s w h e n y o u try s o m e t h i n g new, succeed at s o m e t h i n g you've never d o n e before, stop a self-destructive habit, speak up in y o u r o w n defense, r e c o g n i z e a t r u t h a b o u t yourself, take on a n e w responsibility, a n d so o n . T h e e x p a n s i o n i s a shift i n y o u r s e n s e o f w h o y o u a r e o r w h o y o u h a v e t a k e n y o u r s e l f t o b e : w h o y o u are b e c o m e s a little b i g g e r , i n c l u d e s a little m o r e t h a n i t d i d b e f o r e . W h a t does the j u d g e do w i t h these m o m e n t s ? M o s t everyone h a s e x p e r i e n c e d s o m e s o r t o í c o n t r a c t i o n after t h e y e x p a n d : s o m e l e t d o w n , s o m e fear c r e e p i n g i n , s o m e s h a m e a b o u t b e i n g b i g g e r , s o m e w i t h d r a w a l f r o m t h e e x p a n s i o n . I n o n e s e n s e , this i s p a r t o f a natural cycle of expansion a n d contraction. H o w e v e r , the c o n traction is s e l d o m seen as p a r t of t h e n o r m a l flow of t h e u n f o l d i n g soul. M o r e o f t e n , y o u r j u d g e r e a c t s t o t h e e x p a n s i o n ; its a t t a c k c a u s e s a n e x a g g e r a t e d e b b a n d u n d e r m i n e s o r u n d o e s t h e n e w s e n s e o f self. T h e contraction is n o w evidence that s o m e t h i n g is w r o n g . Instead of b e i n g a b r e a t h e r before a r e t u r n to the e x p a n d e d sense, it b e c o m e s p r o o f t h e e x p a n s i o n w a s a m i s t a k e . " Y o u l o o k really s t u p i d h a v i n g a s k e d for t h a t raise j u s t b e f o r e a t w e n t y - p o i n t d r o p i n c o m p a n y sales. . . Y o u felt g o o d a b o u t g e t t i n g all t h a t a p p l a u s e , b u t j u s t i m a g i n e w h a t p e o p l e a r e s a y i n g b e h i n d y o u r b a c k . . . .You k n o w y o u are g o i n g t o start s m o k i n g a g a i n j u s t l i k e e v e r y t i m e b e f o r e . . . . J u s t b e c a u s e y o u d i d a g o o d j o b , d o n ' t let i t g o t o y o u r h e a d . " T h i s i s h o w t h e j u d g e p r o v o k e s distrust i n y o u r ability t o e x p a n d , grow, a n d change. O n c e you recognize h o w the pattern works, it is m o r e possible t o see i t for w h a t i t i s — a n a t t e m p t t o u n d e r m i n e y o u r selfconfidence
and
trust
in
y o u r capacity
to
grow. T h e j u d g e
is
effectively d e n y i n g y o u r s o u l a n d its l i v i n g , d y n a m i c p o t e n t i a l . Y o u d o n ' t h a v e t o a c c e p t w h a t i t tells y o u .
What
Is Judged?
85
POINTS TO REMEMBER T h e j u d g e has a p r o f o u n d d i s t r u s t i n t h e fact o f y o u r e x i s t e n c e i n t h i s m o m e n t . I t b e l i e v e s y o u m u s t r e l y o n past beliefs, s t a n d a r d s , a n d g u i d e l i n e s i n o r d e r t o h a v e a r i g h t t o exist. W h e n e v e r y o u c r e a t e a s t a n d a r d , y o u are c o m p a r i n g y o u r s e l f — m a y b e n o t to others, but to an i d e a l — a n d that means self-judgm e n t i s active. Y o u r b o d y i s t h e m o s t visible a n d t a n g i b l e e x p r e s s i o n o f w h o y o u are a n d t h u s t h e easiest t a r g e t for t h e a t t a c k s o f y o u r j u d g e . A d d i c t i v e b e h a v i o r s are o f t e n t h e o b j e c t o f self-attacks a s w e l l a s a way to try to escape t h e m . T h e k i n d o f w o r k you d o i s t h e subject o f self-attack w h e n you b e l i e v e t h a t i t i s u n w o r t h y o f y o u , w h e n y o u d o n ' t like i t e v e n i f i t i s r e s p e c t a b l e o r d e s i r a b l e , w h e n y o u are n o t g o o d a t i t o r a n t i c i p a t e y o u r o w n failure, o r w h e n i t s e e m s t o o easy o r t o o g o o d t o be true. Intimate relationship is n o t a t w o - w a y c o n n e c t i o n b u t a four-way connection in w h i c h each person is dealing w i t h another person and two judges. Y o u r s e l f - j u d g m e n t s a n d t h o s e o f y o u r p a r t n e r are i m p l i c i t l y a n d unconsciously interwoven with h o w you experience yourself and h o w you e x p e r i e n c e each other. T h o u g h y o u r attention in a p r i m a r y relationship tends to be on w h a t is happening in the other or between you and the other, the deciding factor in h o w you e x p e r i e n c e t h e c o n n e c t i o n tends to b e y o u r o w n u n c o n s c i o u s standards. W h e n e v e r o n e person in a relationship is unwilling or unable to c o n t a c t his o r h e r v u l n e r a b i l i t y i n t h e i n t e r a c t i o n , t h e r e i s a s i m u l t a n e o u s m o v e m e n t i n t o j u d g m e n t : self-attack, attack o f t h e other, or both. T h e m o r e t w o p e o p l e are w i l l i n g t o b e v u l n e r a b l e i n t h e m s e l v e s a n d w i t h e a c h o t h e r , t h e less t h e y w i l l n e e d t h e i r j u d g e s for p r o tection. You n e e d the willingness to b r i n g j u d g m e n t into consciousness, face a t t a c k s d i r e c t l y a n d d e f e n d y o u r r i g h t t o v u l n e r a b i l i t y , s o y o u can u n d e r t a k e i n n e r w o r k in a meaningful w a y
86
SOUL
WITHOUT
SHAME
EXERCISE: IDENTIFYING THE F O C U S OF SELF-ATTACKS L o o k a t y o u r g r o w i n g list o f self-attacks a n d b e g i n t o o r g a n i z e t h e m a c c o r d i n g t o t h e v a r i o u s areas o f y o u r life w h e r e a t t a c k s are c o m m o n : b o d y , j o b , r e l a t i o n s h i p , a n d s o o n . M a k e a s e p a r a t e list for attacks a i m e d at y o u r self-awareness a n d self-exploration. N o t i c e w h i c h are areas o f h e a v y a t t a c k a n d h o w a t t a c k s i n different c a t e g o r i e s r e l a t e t o e a c h o t h e r . W h a t are t h e s i m i l a r i t i e s a n d differences?
EXERCISE: OBSERVING SELF-ATTACKS ON EXPANSION T h e n e x t t i m e y o u are a w a r e o f a n e x p a n s i o n i n y o u r s e n s e o f self, n o t i c e w h a t h a p p e n s a f t e r w a r d . B e a w a r e o f w h a t y o u r j u d g e i s sayi n g t o y o u a n d o f a n y shifts i n t h e felt sense o f y o u r b o d y , y o u r energy, a n d y o u r behavior. If it is helpful, w r i t e d o w n t h e event or o p e n i n g t h a t c a u s e d t h e e x p a n s i o n , t h e n list t h e j u d g e ' s a t t a c k s a n d w h a t e v e r y o u n o t i c e has c h a n g e d i n y o u a s a result.
[T]he lessfree a person is from his superego, the wore his relationships are determined by it—not only in the choice of partners
but
also
in
superegos [of the
what
transpires
two people]
in
the
complement
relationship.
each
other,
If the
we have
a stable relationship. But it is stable only as long as there is no growth
or change...
.
ships are ones in without
too
relationships
the
majority of cases, stable
relation-
which
the
two superegos can
live
together
In
other
are
superego
much friction. and
involved dislike
not each
of the dominance relationships
In
real
ones.
other
but
are based on
because
those cases
in
In fact,
the
often
is
the
together because
the situation
together although don't
get
along.
along; because
when
In
other
they love each This
a couple experiences difficulty
two sets of parents don't get
individuals
dependency and insecurity-
superegos
which
they
they still stay
of their superegos. This
cases, the couple cannot stay other,
words,
explains
when
their
their superegos,
as
a result, cannot get along. So a couple can spend their whole lives together but it
never really come
is the superegos that are in
into
close
contact because
relationship.
— A. H. Almaas, TheWork on the Superego, p. 9
Frank looked at the food ready to fill his belly, the newspaper w i t h its bold headlines attracting his eyes, and the radio w i t h intelligent voices p o u r i n g information into his ears. Suddenly, he was struck by the fact that he was stuffing himself from all directions. At the same time, he recognized a need for the security he felt from having all systems being fed—as if s o m e i m p o r t a n t support w o u l d disappear if any of the three were missing.Was he trying to d r o w n o u t his j u d g e by overloading h i m self w i t h input? Or was he simply d o i n g w h a t he w a n t e d by m a k i n g himself feel secure? He didn't know, b u t his h u n g e r felt m o r e i m p o r tant than figuring it out, so he t o o k a big bite of cereal and washed it d o w n w i t h juice. Immediately, he c o u g h e d and sputtered, and there was Sue's voice in his head. Q When will you ever learn not to drink right after you take a bite! You are in such a rush to get everything in. Can't stand a little peace and quiet, can you? Hey, quit telling me what to do. Who cares if / cough? If I want to eat, drink, read, dance, and sing all at once, I will. I don't have any problem with doing it all, so why should you? T h e s e arguments in his head were so familiar. It felt as t h o u g h n o t h ing n e w w o u l d ever c o m e of it, and he felt trapped in his defensiveness. Frank t o o k a n o t h e r bite and then just sat and chewed slowly w i t h o u t tasting, listened to the radio w i t h o u t h e a r i n g the words, and stared at the paper w i t h o u t recognizing anything. He b e c a m e aware of a h u n g e r inside that he didn't often feel, deeper than h u n g e r for food. He realized he felt this h u n g e r n o w that he was no longer p r e o c c u p i e d w i t h his multiple inputs. H a d it always b e e n there? Q
Frank, this is dangerous territory. You don't know what will come up or what it means, but it will be bad, believe me. Now snap out of it and eat your breakfast.
Frank ignored the voice as the g n a w i n g sensation g r e w m o r e p r o m i n e n t and d e m a n d e d his a t t e n t i o n . T h e awareness m a d e h i m nervous, b u t at the same time, it felt so deep in h i m that s o m e t h i n g relaxed by simply a c k n o w l e d g i n g it. D i d this m e a n that if he didn't do three things at once, this h u n g e r w o u l d appear? Or was it s o m e reaction to his j u d g e ? He didn't know. At the m o m e n t , the h u n g e r felt m o r e real and m o r e interesting than his usual t h i n k i n g . It was distinctly uncomfortable, and t h o u g h he didn't like it, he felt no n e e d to push it away. For now, that was O K .
7 ACCEPTANCE
As Y O U BEGIN TO be m o r e aware of your inner process, you realize that you are constantly evaluating, assessing, reacting to, and c o m menting on your experience. This is a central way you make your feelings, thoughts, and behaviors your own.Your j u d g e puts its familiar stamp of approval or disapproval on them, providing orientation and perspective while reinforcing the belief that what you are e x p e riencing in the m o m e n t must be constantly evaluated. Q u e s t i o n i n g the attitude p£ self-rejection that underlies all judgmental activity opens up the possibility o f — a n d longing for— a different way of being with your experience. W h a t if your j u d g e did not react to everything you do and every way you feel? W h a t if you did not take a position on w h e t h e r your experience was good or bad? W h a t if you could just let your experience be what it is w i t h out needing to change it? For the j u d g e , this is inconceivable, but there is an aspect of your true nature that supports such a possibility. This is the quality ot acceptance.
Acceptance
and
Rejection
Acceptance is generally considered to be the opposite of rejection. If a university accepts your application rather than rejecting it, then the university' has approved of your qualifications and welcomes you as someone it wants to teach. So to reject means to push away, deny, or negate; to accept, in usual terms, means to move toward, approve of, or affirm. If you are acceptable, then you have made the grade, you are O K .
90
SOUL WITHOUT S H A M n
T h e p r o b l e m w i t h this d e f i n i t i o n o f a c c e p t a n c e i s t h a t i t still operates w i t h i n t h e w o r l d o f j u d g m e n t , assessment, and evaluation. A c c e p t a n c e m e a n s s o m e t h i n g positive, rejection s o m e t h i n g n e g a t i v e . Y o u n e e d a c c e p t a n c e t o offset r e j e c t i o n , a n d i f y o u are a c c e p t a b l e , i t i s always p o s s i b l e y o u w i l l later b e f o u n d u n a c c e p t a b l e . Acceptance on these terms is conditional on s o m e criterion. So the f a m i l i a r u s a g e of acceptance is, in fact, c l o s e r to a p p r o v a l , t h e o p p o s i t e of rejection, than to true acceptance. T r u e acceptance m e a n s stepping o u t of t h e w o r l d of assessment altogether. It is exactly the e x p e r i e n c e of n e i t h e r rejecting n o r a p p r o v i n g . W h e r e r e j e c t i n g a n d a p p r o v i n g are a c t i o n s o f m o v i n g away from or toward o n e s e x p e r i e n c e , accepting is n o t an action at all. I t i s n o n a c t i o n : a state o f B e i n g w i t h o u t a t t i t u d e , s i m p l y a l l o w i n g e x p e r i e n c e t o b e a s i t is. Acceptance does n o t m e a n you approve of your experience, t h i n k it's O K , like it, o r are h a p p y w i t h i t a s i t is. A c c e p t a n c e i s n o t an expression of any k i n d of evaluation or interpretation. It simply m e a n s y o u c a n a l l o w y o u r e x p e r i e n c e t o b e e x a c t l y a s i t is. T h e r e n e e d b e n o j u s t i f i c a t i o n o r effort t o d e f e n d , d e n y , p r o t e c t , o r p r o m o t e w h a t is there. A c c e p t a n c e m e a n s you get o u t of the way and stop t a k i n g a position.You d o n ' t approve, y o u d o n ' t reject; y o u d o n ' t p u s h a w a y y o u r e x p e r i e n c e , y o u d o n ' t t r y t o h o l d o n t o it. I f y o u l i k e it, that's a c c e p t e d ; i f y o u dislike it, that's a c c e p t e d . W h a t e v e r i t is, y o u r s o u l i s s i m p l y t h e r e w i t h t h e e x p e r i e n c e .
The
State
of Acceptance
Y o u r s o u l s p o n t a n e o u s l y relaxes a s i t senses t h e a r i s i n g o f a c c e p t a n c e . T h e r e i s release a n d l e t t i n g g o t h r o u g h o u t t h e b o d y a s t h e e x p e r i e n c e o f i n n e r r e j e c t i o n d r o p s away. E a c h cell s e e m s t o o p e n a n d b r e a t h e w i t h t h e s p a c e t o s i m p l y b e i t s e l f . Y o u r s o u l feels b a t h e d i n a delicate, refreshing liquid that nourishes and w e l c o m e s you into a s e n s e o f p r o f o u n d r e l a x a t i o n . Y o u feel r e l i e v e d o f a n a n c i e n t b u r d e n o f s t r u g g l e a n d feel i t r e p l a c e d w i t h a n u n q u e s t i o n e d s e n s e o f b e l o n g i n g . Y o u b e l o n g h e r e a n d n o w e x a c t l y w h e r e y o u are, a s a p a r t o f e v e r y t h i n g t h a t is. A t t h e s a m e t i m e , y o u feel fully a c c e p t i n g o f w h a t is here; you w e l c o m e it w i t h o u t preference or condition.
Acceptance
91
A t f i r s t , a c c e p t a n c e i s e x p e r i e n c e d i n r e l a t i o n t o efforts t o c o n trol e x p e r i e n c e . I t a l l o w s w h a t w a s b e i n g r e s i s t e d o r r e j e c t e d . T h i s i s felt a s t h e l e t t i n g g o o f h o l d i n g a n d reactivity. A s t h e state o f a c c e p t a n c e d e e p e n s , i t g o e s b e y o n d r e l a x a t i o n t o i n c l u d e all aspects o f experience, including tension and contraction. Acceptance is the fundamental n o n a t t a c h m e n t to any physical, e m o t i o n a l , or energetic state.The various permutations of inner e x p e r i e n c e — s u c h as reject i o n , d o u b t , c u r i o s i t y , sadness, fear, j o y , satisfaction, a n x i e t y , a n d w o r r y — a r e all e x p e r i e n c e d a s n a t u r a l a r i s i n g s i n t h e s o u l . E a c h has its p l a c e a n d c a n b e u n d e r s t o o d a n d a p p r e c i a t e d . N o n e i s b e t t e r o r worse than another. W h e n this t r u e a c c e p t a n c e is felt for w h a t e v e r is a r i s i n g , a n a t ural f l o w o f t r a n s f o r m a t i o n i n t h e s o u l b e c o m e s a p p a r e n t . Y o u n o t i c e t h a t all m a n i f e s t a t i o n s o f i n n e r life c o m e a n d g o . I f t h e r e i s n o r e a c t i o n t o w h a t arises, i t w i l l u n f o l d i n its o w n n a t u r a l c y c l e a n d pass away a s s o m e t h i n g n e w takes its p j a c e . T h i s f l o w o f B e i n g has a n innate intelligence that responds exactly as n e e d e d in relation to the w h o l e life o f t h e s o u l . T h e s p o n t a n e o u s , n o n d e f e n s i v e f u n c t i o n i n g o f i n n e r life i s t h e gift t h a t a c c e p t a n c e offers t o y o u r s o u l . S o m e call i t t h e state o f g r a c e .
Control
and
the Functioning
of Being
T h e f u n d a m e n t a l b e l i e f t h a t b l o c k s y o u r access t o t h e state o f a c c e p tance is that y o u n e e d to control your e x p e r i e n c e . T h i s belief is reinforced b y t h e r e c o g n i t i o n t h a t m u c h o f w h a t h a p p e n s t o y o u i s beyond your control. So m a n y things could go w r o n g or take y o u b y s u r p r i s e , n o t t o m e n t i o n y o u r n e e d for t h i n g s t o b e a c e r t a i n w a y for life t o feel safe, c o m f o r t a b l e , a n d m a n a g e a b l e . Y o u t a k e e v e r y opportunity to maintain some control over your world. In particular, y o u h a v e l e a r n e d o n e t h i n g o v e r t h e y e a r s — t h a t a t least y o u c a n always c o n t r o l y o u r i n n e r e x p e r i e n c e . I f y o u d o n ' t like s o m e t h i n g t h a t h a p p e n s a n d y o u c a n ' t c h a n g e it, y o u c a n p r e t e n d i t d o e s n ' t m a t t e r , w i t h d r a w a n d s t o p c a r i n g , o r d e c i d e y o u really d o like i t after all. I f y o u w a n t s o m e t h i n g a n d c a n ' t h a v e it, y o u c a n shift t o w a n t i n g s o m e t h i n g else, r e s e n t t h e w o r l d for denying you, or decide never to w a n t anything a g a i n . T h e irony is
92
SOUL WITHOUT
SHAME
chat t h e b i g g e s t b a r r i e r t o a s m o o t h l y f u n c t i o n i n g life i s this c o n s t a n t effort t o m a n i p u l a t e y o u r i n n e r e x p e r i e n c e . H o w d i d this c o m e about? W h e n y o u w e r e a n infant w i t h o u t conscious awareness o r c o n t r o l o f yourself, t h e r e w a s a s p o n t a n e o u s a n d n a t u r a l f l o w t o h o w y o u i n t e r a c t e d w i t h life.This flow was i n t e r t w i n e d w i t h t h e r e s p o n sive p r e s e n c e o f y o u r m o t h e r . T o g e t h e r t h e y e x p r e s s e d t h e s i m p l e beingness of t r u e n a t u r e a n d t h e natural way t h e individual soul is p a r t o f reality. I f h u n g e r a r o s e i n y o u , s h e s e n s e d i t a n d fed y o u . I f she wasn't a r o u n d , y o u r b o d y r e s p o n d e d by b e c o m i n g agitated in a n effort t o g e t a r e s p o n s e , a n d i f t h a t w a s n o t e n o u g h , y o u c r i e d o u t a n d m o t h e r c a m e . W h e n s h e a r r i v e d , y o u r e l a x e d , w e r e fed, a n d later slept. T h e r i g h t a t t u n e m e n t b e t w e e n y o u a n d y o u r m o t h e r r e s u l t e d in a natural e b b a n d flow ot e n e r g y : tension a n d relaxation, e x p a n s i o n a n d c o n t r a c t i o n , a c t i v i t y a n d rest, e x c i t e m e n t a n d c a l m . As a p h y s i c a l , e n e r g e t i c o r g a n i s m , y o u h a d a c e r t a i n c a p a c i t y at that time to tolerate frustration.This charge c o u l d build to a certain p o i n t before it n e e d e d a discharge t h r o u g h s o m e f o r m of gratification: holding, feeding, burping, crying, t h r o w i n g up, or eliminating. I f all w e n t w e l l , t h e e n v i r o n m e n t a n d y o u r b o d y f u n c t i o n e d t o g e t h e r to b r i n g an appropriate discharge. As y o u g r e w older, y o u r capacity to tolerate discomfort increased and gratification c o u l d be delayed, w h i c h reflected a g r o w i n g o r g a n i s m i c strength a n d cohesiveness (referred to psychologically as e g o strength).
Crisis
Intervention
H o w e v e r , if, a s o f t e n o c c u r r e d , m o t h e r a n d t h e e n v i r o n m e n t w e r e n o t attuned to y o u r needs, the frustration w o u l d build and n o t be released, a n d t h e
charge would b e c o m e
overwhelming to your
u n d e v e l o p e d system. I f o v e r w h e l m d u e t o h u n g e r , cold, colic, isolat i o n , a n d s o o n p e r s i s t e d past t h e p o i n t o f t o l e r a n c e , y o u r v e r y s u r vival w a s i n d a n g e r . I n this c o n t e x t , y o u r s o u l r e s p o n d e d b y s h u t t i n g d o w n y o u r sensitivity t o the frustration o r charge. W h a t e v e r the intolerable feeling, y o u w o u l d n u m b yourself to it in o r d e r to carry o n . T h i s a m o u n t e d t o crisis i n t e r v e n t i o n i n a n u n t e n a b l e s i t u a t i o n . T h i s s h u t d o w n o c c u r r e d to v a r y i n g degrees in everyone; it cir-
Acceptance
93
c u m v e n t e d the natural cycle of charge and discharge by a b o r t i n g t h e p r o c e s s . I n s t e a d o f a real d i s c h a r g e , a f r e e z i n g o f t h e c h a r g e i n the physical, energetic, a n d psychic system o c c u r r e d . F r o m t h e n on, the cycling of tension a n d relaxation h a p p e n e d in a m o r e l i m ited f i e l d , trapped w i t h i n t h e b o u n d s o f t h e frozen e n e r g y . T h u s , y o u c a m e t o d e f i n e y o u r s e l f b a s e d o n this e a r l y c o n t r a c t i o n a g a i n s t y o u r o w n experience. You learned that y o u could n o t trust the natural flow of tension and relaxation
because
of the
overwhelm
that
resulted from t h e u n s u p p o r t i v e e n v i r o n m e n t and unresolved frustration. D e e p d o w n , you believed that rejecting your i m m e d i a t e e x p e r i e n c e was f u n d a m e n t a l to survival. N o w , as an adult, y o u c o n t i n u e to
reject y o u r e x p e r i e n c e
t h r o u g h j u d g m e n t a n d m a n i p u l a t i o n , * b e l i e v i n g t h a t y o u m u s t still c o n t r o l yourself. A s i f y o u w e r e s o m e p o o r l y b u i l t m a c h i n e , y o u believe that y o u r nature is flawed, defective, and o u t of t o u c h w i t h the natural world; you must be coaxed and coerced in order to w o r k r i g h t . Y o u are c o n v i n c e d t h a t t h e r e i s n o n a t u r a l p r o c e s s i n y o u — n o f l o w o f t r u e n a t u r e — t h a t w i l l c o n t a i n a n d successfully o r c h e s t r a t e t h e c h a n g e s i n y o u r i n n e r r e a l i t y T o f u r t h e r j u s t i f y t h e n e e d for i n n e r reactivity, y o u r j u d g e c o n s t a n t l y r e m i n d s y o u t h a t t h e e n v i r o n m e n t is u n c o n t r o l l e d and t h r e a t e n i n g . S h o u l d y o u relax that activity, y o u t e n d t o e x p o s e y o u r s e l f t o t h e i n f a n t i l e s e n s e o f o v e r w h e l m . T h i s w i l l also a c t i v a t e t h e j u d g e , c a u s i n g i t t o issue its p r i m e d i r e c t i v e , " S o m e t h i n g m u s t b e d o n e ! " Y o u feel c o m p e l l e d t o t a k e a c t i o n , f i g u r e o u t w h a t t o d o , o r a t least feel b a d a b o u t yourself. I f all else fails, y o u c a n always eat s o m e t h i n g a n d n u m b o u t a g a i n . Acceptance means a return to the natural, spontaneous flow of y o u r o w n b e i n g . T h e j u d g e c o n s i d e r s this a d i r e c t t h r e a t t o its c o n trol. " I f y o u c a n ' t h a v e a n o p i n i o n a b o u t y o u r e x p e r i e n c e , y o u m i g h t a s w e l l n o t e v e n h a v e it. H o w c a n y o u k n o w w h a t i t m e a n s t o y o u i f y o u d o n ' t e v a l u a t e it? H o w c a n y o u r e l a t e t o y o u r e x p e r i e n c e i f y o u c a n ' t d e c i d e w h e t h e r t o reject i t o r n o t ? Y o u c a n ' t i m p r o v e u n l e s s y o u k n o w w h a t i s g o o d a n d w h a t i s b a d , w h a t t o g o after a n d w h a t to avoid." Y o u are u s e d t o r e l a t i n g t o y o u r e x p e r i e n c e b a s e d o n h i s t o r i c a l assumptions of w h a t is i m p o r t a n t , w h a t is meaningful, w h a t is good, a n d w h a t w i l l h e l p y o u . T h i s a p p r o a c h s e e m s s o necessary, i t i s h a r d
94
SOUL
WITHOUT
SHAME
to imagine life w i t h o u t it. Acceptance of your experience without j u d g m e n t or evaluation would disrupt this familiar orientation.The j u d g e is afraid that you would be left at the mercy of external forces: a passive recipient or observer with no choice and no preference, no discrimination and no control. It will strongly discourage such openness: "You can't just let yourself trust reality, especially w h e n you k n o w things are painful, scary, or get you into trouble. That's not only naive, that's stupid!"
Acceptance
and
the Flow
of Reality
Acceptance can only arise w h e n you recognize the extent of your o w n distrust and self-rejection. You must see the judge's constant fostering of self-doubt. Eventually you must uncover the way your present experience is completely colored by what happened to you in those first m o n t h s of life. This makes it possible to recognize that you are n o t that infant and you no longer need your m o t h e r or the physical environment to provide self-regulation. W h a t you are is a soul whose true nature supports being in your life w i t h o u t m a n i p ulation and j u d g m e n t . W i t h this understanding, acceptance becomes a viable alternative to approving or rejecting your experience. As you let go of the need to change things or make t h e m different, this state of Being emerges and opens the soul. To accept h o w you are feeling means to let your experience be what it is w i t h o u t c o m m e n t i n g on it, reacting to it, or j u m p i n g to conclusions about it. Intense feelings may arise, as well as the experience of being a child w h o feels overw h e l m e d by them, but you do n o t stop, judge, or believe what arises. T h e y are seen as simply an expression of your soul's unfolding at this moment.You o p e n and surrender to the m o v e m e n t of your life. T h e feelings themselves were initially rejected by you as a young child because they were overwhelming. This pushing away of the feelings has kept you in a child's relationship to them, for fear they will drown you. However, a lifetime of rejection has made the fear of being overwhelmed the most overwhelming feeling. R e m e m b e r , your nervous system is no longer that of an infant, so the feelings themselves are m u c h m o r e tolerable than they were for you as a
Acceptance
95
c h i l d . W h e n y o u a l l o w y o u r s e l f t o feel t h e m directly, y o u d i s c o v e r t h a t t h e fear o f t h e feelings i s m u c h w o r s e t h a n t h e feelings t h e m selves. A c c e p t a n c e i s t h e h e a r t o p e n i n g a n d w e l c o m i n g w h a t y o u are. T o t h e freshness a n d i m m e d i a c y o f a w a r e n e s s , i t a d d s t h e q u a l i t i e s of intimacy and
flow—a
sense o f release a n d t h e f e e l i n g o f b e i n g
w a s h e d clean o f h o l d i n g patterns, tensions, a n d resistances t o w h a t y o u are a t this m o m e n t . I t p e r m e a t e s y o u w i t h a c o o l , g e n t l e freshness, s o o t h i n g t h e familiar i n t e r n a l a g i t a t i o n o t y o u r i n n e r activity.
Life
Lessons
G e o r g i a a r r i v e s h o m e after a h e c t i c d a y a t t h e office, a n d b e f o r e s h e k n o w s it, she i s f e e l i n g i r r i t a t e d a t h e r p a r t n e r . S h e feels u p s e t t h a t he's o n t h e p h o n e w h e n s h e c o m e s in; s h e sees t h a t t h e f l o w e r s i n the d i n i n g r o o m have started to wilt and he hasn't even noticed; she finds his c l o t h e s s t r e w n a b o u t t h e b e d r o o m , a n d t h e b e d i s n o t m a d e up. She finds herself torn b e t w e e n c o m p l a i n i n g to h i m and giving h i m t h e c o l d s h o u l d e r t o t e a c h h i m a l e s s o n . S h e n o t i c e s s h e has j u d g m e n t s a b o u t e a c h : c o m p l a i n i n g s e e m s w^eak a n d m a n i p u l a t i v e in playing the victim, and shutting h i m o u t seems unfair a n d unsatisfying b e c a u s e h e w o n ' t e v e n k n o w w h a t h e d i d w r o n g . A s G e o r g i a c o n s i d e r s all this, s h e n o t i c e s h o w t e n s e a n d f r u s t r a t e d s h e is. W h a t s h e really w a n t s i s t o c o l l a p s e i n his a r m s a n d b e h e l d . I m m e d i a t e l y , s h e feels t h e r e a c t i o n o f h e r j u d g e : " D o n ' t e v e n c o n s i d e r it! H o w h u m i l i a t i n g , s h o w i n g y o u r n e e d i n e s s a n d h e l p lessness. H e ' l l find y o u d i s g u s t i n g . " Usually, s u c h a p r o f u s i o n o f v o i c e s a n d feelings w o u l d p u t h e r i n a state o f c o n f u s i o n , u p s e t , a n d o v e r w h e l m . S h e w o u l d feel f r o z e n a n d s h u t d o w n , u n a b l e t o act a t a l l . T h i s t i m e , h o w e v e r , G e o r g i a g o e s i n t o t h e b e d r o o m a n d , after p u l l i n g u p t h e s h e e t s a n d b l a n k e t o n t h e b e d , t a k e s s o m e t i m e t o lie d o w n , c l o s e h e r eyes, a n d s i m p l y a l l o w e a c h e l e m e n t o f h e r i n n e r p r o c e s s ; s h e a c c e p t s e a c h feeling, j u d g m e n t , a n d t h o u g h t w i t h o u t g e t t i n g e n g a g e d o r t r y i n g t o s t o p it. A s h e r i n n e r state u n r a v e l s , s h e senses h e r b r e a t h i n g a s a w a y o f s t a y i n g present and not reacting. G r a d u a l l y , h e r b o d y c a l m s d o w n , a n d h e r m i n d s l o w s f r o m its
96
SOUL
WITHOUT
SHAME
m a d r u s h . I t i s n o w p o s s i b l e t o c o n n e c t w i t h t h e t r u t h o f w h a t she's f e e l i n g w i t h less r e a c t i v i t y a n d j u d g m e n t . S h e feels a sadness a n d l o n g i n g arise a n d w i t h i t a s s o c i a t i o n s o f c h i l d h o o d a n d t h e d e s i r e for t h e c o m f o r t i n g p r e s e n c e o f h e r m o t h e r . T h e f e e l i n g o f n e e d i n e s s intensifies a n d t h r e a t e n s t o o v e r w h e l m h e r . G e o r g i a pays a t t e n t i o n t o h e r p h v s i c a l s e n s a t i o n s a n d s i m p l y a l l o w s t h e feelings a n d i m a g e s t o c o m e a n d f i l l h e r , w i t h o u t r e a c t i n g . Flashes o f isolation i n a c r i b a n d b e i n g small a n d a l o n e i n a n e m p t y r o o m c o m e a n d g o . T e a r s well u p and flow d o w n h e r cheeks. After a w h i l e , t h e intensity begins to s u b side. T h e c h i l d h o o d i d e n t i f i c a t i o n dissolves a s she c o n t i n u e s t o rest. G e o r g i a ' s b o d y feels o p e n a n d l i g h t , a s i f all i n n e r c o n t r a c t i o n has b e e n p u r g e d . H e r b r e a t h i s d e e p a n d n o u r i s h i n g , a n d s h e feels m o r e relaxed t h a n she can r e m e m b e r feeling in weeks. She is aware o f a g e n t l e ease a n d a n i n t u i t i v e a p p r e c i a t i o n for h e r s e l f a n d for w h e r e s h e i s m h e r life. A s h e r p a r t n e r f i n i s h e s his p h o n e call, she gets u p f e e l i n g g r o u n d e d , r e f r e s h e d , a n d r e a d y t o j o i n h i m . T h i s is an e x a m p l e of h o w y o u r t r u e n a t u r e can s u p p o r t you t h r o u g h t h e q u a l i t y o f a c c e p t a n c e . Y o u d o n ' t h a v e t o like y o u r e x p e r i e n c e ; y o u s i m p l y d o n ' t resist it. R e s i s t i n g y o u r e x p e r i e n c e i s t h e same as not trusting the m o v e m e n t of true n a t u r e — b e l i e v i n g you must control things to ensure m o v e m e n t because y o u do n o t e x p e r i e n c e t h e l a r g e r f l o w o f reality. 13v n o t r e s i s t i n g , y o u d o n ' t g e t s t u c k or fixed on a particular feeling or c o n c e r n , so y o u r e x p e r i e n c e is a b l e t o f l o w a n d t r a n s f o r m m o r e easily a n d naturally. R e m e m b e r , acceptance is n o t s o m e t h i n g you do. It is n o t an action y o u take. If you try to stop rejecting, stop feeling, or stop j u d g i n g , y o u feel i t a s a c o n t r a c t i o n i n s i d e . Y o u e n d u p t r y i n g t o b e different, w h i c h c o n t i n u e s t h e r e j e c t i o n o f w h e r e y o u a r e n o w . I n t h e s a m e way, j u d g i n g t h e j u d g e d o e s n o t g e t r i d o f it. I t o n l y p e r petuates the system. All y o u c a n d o i s r e c o g n i z e t h e r e j e c t i o n , c o n t r o l , o r j u d g m e n t a n d feel h o w i t o p e r a t e s t o c u t y o u off f r o m y o u r e x p e r i e n c e ; t h e n acceptance c o m e s as an expression of o p e n i n g to the truth of w h a t is there. " W h a t is t h e r e " in o n e sense m e a n s r e c o g n i z i n g that you are part of a larger flow of B e i n g ; y o u are n o t isolated. So a c c e p t a n c e m e a n s o p e n i n g t o this l a r g e r reality a n d e x p e r i e n c i n g t h a t its
Acceptance m o v e m e n t includes
you. T h e flow o f t r u e n a t u r e
97 controls you
whether you k n o w it or not. Acceptance m e a n s relaxing i n t o ^ o u r o w n e x p e r i e n c e so that a natural process of u n f o l d i n g can occur. H o w e v e r , it does n o t p r e c l u d e a c t i o n , i t s i m p l y a l l o w s reality t o b e m o r e a p p a r e n t b e c a u s e i t i s n o t c l o u d e d b y j u d g m e n t o r p r e f e r e n c e . T h e n reality c a n s u p p o r t t r u e a c t i o n t h r o u g h y o u . I n this way. a c c e p t a n c e s u p p o r t s t h e a c t i o n of Being by exposing behavior that both engages j u d g m e n t and k e e p s y o u i s o l a t e d f r o m t h e l a r g e r f l o w o f reality. Y o u r s o u l m u s t u n d e r g o a d e e p shift i n c o n s c i o u s n e s s for y o u r e x p e r i e n c e t o b e fully a c c e p t e d . B e c o m i n g familiar w i t h t h e m a n y e l e m e n t s o f t r u e n a t u r e s u p p o r t s this t r a n s f o r m a t i o n . A s y o u are a w a r e o f a n d s t a n d u p for t h e t r u t h o f y o u r e x p e r i e n c e , t h e i n n e r f r o z e n n e s s o f s e l r - r e j e c t i o n i s m e l t e d bit b y b i t . A n d t h r o u g h t h e s e m o m e n t s o f l e t t i n g g o , t h e f l o w o f a c c e p t a n c e arises a s a n a t u r a l b a l m to s o o t h e the a c h i n g harshness in y o u r soul.
PRACTICE: OBSERVING Y O U R REACTIVITY C h o o s e a s i m p l e a c t i v i t y t h a t y o u d o o n a daily basis, s u c h a s b r u s h ing y o u r teeth, g e t t i n g dressed, m a k i n g u p y o u r b e d , eating l u n c h , o r t a k i n g a w a l k . M a k e s u r e i t i s p h y s i c a l a n d relatively brief. D o t h a t 7
activity e a c h d a y for a w e e k w i t h simplicity, c a r e , a n d a t t e n t i o n . T h i s m e a n s t a k i n g y o u r t i m e , b e i n g a w a r e o f yourself, c o m p l e t i n g t h e task w i t h o u t r u s h i n g , a n d b e i n g o p e n t o y o u r w a y s o f resisting t h e a c t i v ity. N o t i c e t h e t e n d e n c y t o skip t h e activity, d o i t h a l f h e a r t e d l y r u s h t h r o u g h it, o r b e p r e o c c u p i e d a s y o u d o it. C a n y o u learn to trust yourself and t h e flow of t h e universe e n o u g h t o r e l a x a n d b e o p e n a s y o u d o this daily task? W h a t gets i n t h e w a y o f t r u s t i n g t h a t t h e r e w i l l b e t u n e e n o u g h for w h a t n e e d s t o b e d o n e ? W h a t aspects o f t h e a c t i v i t y are m o s t difficult t o d o w i t h o u t engaging in commentary, reaction, or j u d g m e n t ? Is it possible s i m p l y t o o b s e r v e y o u r i n n e r r e a c t i v i t y w h e n i t i s t h e r e ? I f y o u h a v e s o m e s u c c e s s , v o u c a n e x p a n d this p r a c t i c e t o o t h e r activities.
Sue lay awake for quite a while before opening her eyes. It was nice just to lie in bed. She wished she could stay there all day. Her life felt too demanding to think about at the moment. She could hear Frank in the kitchen with the radio on. ©
Every time he is in the kitchen, he has the news on. He's addicted to it. So what if he knows a lot more about what's going on in the world than I do? I don't care about every move the Bosnians make and how the Republicans are going to get rid of another government handout. Why can 'l he play some music? Speaking of music, what a lousy CD I bought yesterday! That'll teach you to listen to a client's recommendation. You should take it right back today after you return the video and go exercise. You are going to exercise, aren't you?
Sue didn't know what she wanted to do. She felt tired already. She opened her eyes and looked at the ceiling.The first things she saw were cobwebs and then a familiar crack in the paint. O
What a mess this house is. I knew we should have had the landlady paint this room before we moved in. Watch out. You are getting yourself depressed. I already am depressed. What will Frank think if I say 1 want to stay in bed? 1 think he hates me. Of course, he does. But he would never say so. He's too nice a guy.
"Frank, would you please come here?" she called out as she sat up in bed. After a moment, the door opened, and he stood there regarding her quiedy with a curious, intent look on his face.The look caught her of! guard, but not knowing what it meant, she ignored it. O
Can't you ever eat uñthout stuffing yourself with information from the radio at the same time? You know it's why you get indigestion and have so much gas, don't you? I've got a headache, and I feel lousy this morning. Be a sweetheart and make me my coffee. I'm going to read in bed for a while.
Frank walked over to the bed and sat down on Sue's lap, putting his arm around her with a big smile. "You called me sweetheart. That's the nicest thing I've heard all day," and he gave her a big kiss. "All I've been listening to since I woke up is my judge giving me a hard time!"
8 ENGAGING
THE
JUDGE
Y o u HAVE SEEN T H A T y o u r ability t o i d e n t i f y j u d g m e n t s a s a t t a c k s a n d r e s p o n d t o t h e m a p p r o p r i a t e l y a n d effectively i s u s u a l l y b l o c k e d . This is because, although s o m e part of you recognizes the attack as d a n g e r o u s a n d r e s p o n d s t o w a r d off o r m i n i m i z e t h e e m o t i o n a l a n d p h y s i c a l effects o f t h e i n c o m i n g e n e r g y , s i m u l t a n e o u s l y a n o t h e r p a r t o f y o u b e l i e v e s i n t h e j u d g e ' s a u t h o r i t y . I f v o u l o o k closely, y o u will see t h a t t h o u g h i t m a y n o t like t h e j u d g m e n t , this s e c o n d p a r t b e l i e v e s i t n e e d s t h e s u p p o r t o f t h e a u t h o r i t y a n d i s afraid t o l e t g o of the connection w i t h the j u d g e . This part is m o r e interested in g e t t i n g t h e j u d g e t o c h a n g e t h e j u d g m e n t or, b e t t e r y e t , t a k e i t b a c k . T h i s m e a n s t h a t y o u r n o r m a l r e a c t i o n s t o j u d g m e n t are n o t t r u e d e f e n s e s a g a i n s t a t t a c k : t h e y are e n g a g e m e n t s . I call t h e s e r e a c t i o n s e n g a g e m e n t s b e c a u s e t h e y t o l e r a t e t h e j u d g e , a c c e p t its t e r m s ( t h a t i t i s t h e a u t h o r i t y a n d c a n pass j u d g m e n t ) , a n d e n d e a v o r t o m i n i m i z e , deflect, o r a r g u e w i t h t h e j u d g m e n t . W h a t t h e y d o n ' t d o i s p u t an e n d to the relationship altogether. All e n g a g e m e n t s a v o i d t h e f u n d a m e n t a l effect o f a t t a c k s o n y o u . T h i s effect i s t o b i n d y o u i n t o a d e b i l i t a t i n g r e l a t i o n s h i p w i t h t h e j u d g e . E n g a g e m e n t s a c c e p t this r e l a t i o n s h i p a n d , i n fact, p r e s e r v e it, thereby buying into the judge's world. Because j u d g m e n t intentionally provokes self-rejection
t h r o u g h e v o k i n g a n e g a t i v e self-
i m a g e , e n g a g i n g t h e j u d g m e n t m e a n s b e c o m i n g i n v o l v e d i n this self-rejecting
process
and
accepting
this
negative
self-image.
E n g a g e m e n t s are a c t i v e m o d e s o f s e l f - r e j e c t i o n p r o v o k e d b y a j u d g m e n t . W h e n e n g a g i n g , y o u r f o c u s i s n o t o n r e j e c t i n g yourself; y o u r
SOUL
100
WITHOUT
SHAME
focus i s o n d e a l i n g w i t h t h e j u d g m e n t . B u t t h e s e l f - r e j e c t i o n i s i m p l i c i t t h r o u g h t h e v e r y fact o f e n g a g i n g t h e j u d g e i n r e l a t i o n s h i p . T o t r u l y d e f e n d a g a i n s t a n a t t a c k — t h a t is, t o d i s e n g a g e — w o u l d b e t o see t h e j u d g m e n t a s a n u n a c c e p t a b l e i n v a s i o n o r i n t r u s i o n a n d t a k e w h a t e v e r a c t i o n i s n e e d e d t o e n d it. C l e a r a n d s i m p l e . T h i s w o u l d m e a n n o t b e i n g i n v o l v e d w i t h t h e j u d g e a t all.
Modes
of Engagement
H o w e v e r , w e start f r o m w h e r e y o u are n o w . Y o u c o n t i n u a l l y , a n d m o s t often unconsciously, e n g a g e j u d g m e n t s o r attacks. T h e r e are t h r e e basic m o d e s o f e n g a g i n g a n a t t a c k — c o u n t e r a t t a c k , r a t i o n a l ize, a n d a b s o r b o r c o l l a p s e . Ail b u y i n t o t h e j u d g m e n t b u t e x p r e s s i t differently. A s y o u b e c o m e a w a r e o f this p r o c e s s , y o u w i l l see t h a t y o u t e n d t o favor o n e , d e p e n d i n g l a r g e l y o n y o u r o w n l e a r n e d s u r vival style.
C o u n t e r a t t a c k . I n this m o d e , y o u a t t e m p t t o fight back a n d defeat the judge. Your attempt is to throw the energy back w h e r e it came from and at the same time direct m o r e firepower at the attacker.The desire is to r e s p o n d so intensely that t h e attack will stop, w h i c h y o u believe
requires
wounding
the
attacker. T h i s
behavior
usually
i n v o l v e s blaming o t h e r s a n d c o m p l e t e l y r e j e c t i n g a n y d e f i c i e n t f e e l ings i n y o u r s e l f T h e e n e r g y i s e x p l o s i v e , i n t e n s e a n d q u i c k — " s h o t f r o m t h e h i p " a n d o f t e n " b e l o w t h e b e l t . " Y o u r b o d y g e n e r a l l y feels e n e r g i z e d , taut, a n d h i g h l y reactive. T h e r e is usually no t h i n k i n g i n v o l v e d j u s t action. H o w e v e r , c o u n t e r a t t a c k i n g doesn't achieve dise n g a g e m e n t b e c a u s e t h e result is an escalation of t h e i n t e r a c t i o n — a n d c o n t i n u e d a v o i d a n c e o f y o u r real e x p e r i e n c e . An example of attack-counterattack: " W h o did y o u r hair? I'll m a k e sure never to go there!" ' Y o u don't have to w o r r y because you couldn't pay h i m e n o u g h to go near what's on y o u r head!"
F r a n k c o u n t e r a t t a c k s his j u d g e i n t h e c h a p t e r 4 e p i s o d e , a n d h e and Sue counterattack each other in the chapter 10 episode.
Engaging
the Judge
101
Rationalize. I n this m o d e , y o u t r y t o justify o r explain yourself, t o argue y o u r w a y o u t o f t h e j u d g m e n t . T h e r e s p o n s e feels f l a t , lifeless, and m e n t a l , as if d e n y i n g t h e reality of b e i n g a t t a c k e d . Y o u are s o l i d ifying y o u r o u t e r walls, s h o r i n g u p w e a k s p o t s t o p r e v e n t t h e a t t a c k ing e n e r g y f r o m p e n e t r a t i n g a n d e x p o s i n g t h e a l l e g e d d e f i c i e n c y . T h e b o d y m a y feel stiff a n d dry, e v e n w o o d e n , i f y o u are a w a r e o f i t a t all.You will n o t i c e t h a t w h a t y o u say n e v e r c o m p l e t e l y a n s w e r s the j u d g m e n t — t h e r e i s always a m o r e p e r f e c t a n s w e r j u s t a h e a d — and in this way, t h e e n g a g e m e n t n e v e r s t o p s . M e n are p a r t i c u l a r l y prone t o this f o r m o f e n g a g i n g , w h i c h i s e x p e r i e n c e d a s w i t h d r a w a l from e m o t i o n a l c o n t a c t w i t h t h e m s e l v e s o r o t h e r s . An example of attack-rationalize: " H o w c o m e you never r e m e m b e r t o get m e f l o w e r s ? " "Well, I never k n o w h o w to choose the right kind, and besides, my sense oí color is really bad, and it never seems like a g o o d present because they only last a few days." F r a n k r a t i o n a l i z e s his j u d g e ' s a t t a c k s in t h e c h a p t e r 2 a n d 6 episodes. Absorb o r collapse. H e r e , y o u g i v e u p i n t e r n a l l y r e p l a c i n g o p p o sition w i t h c o m p l i a n c e i n a n effort t o a p p e a s e t h e a t t a c k e r a n d m a k e the s i t u a t i o n O K a g a i n . T h i s r e s p o n s e i s m o s t e v i d e n t i n t h e a c t i v i ties oí placating a n d complaining. T h e r e is u s u a l l y a d r a m a t i c loss of energy, a f e e l i n g o f h o p e l e s s n e s s , a n d o f t e n d e p r e s s i o n . T h e b o d y may reflect a sense of c o l l a p s e w i t h r o u n d e d s h o u l d e r s , c a v e d - i n chest,and c u r v e d - u n d e r p e l v i s ( y o u r tail t u c k e d b e t w e e n y o u r legs). You t e n d t o c o n t i n u e t h e e n g a g e m e n t b y l i n k i n g t h e j u d g m e n t t o all kinds o f o t h e r issues, t h u s e x a g g e r a t i n g y o u r d e f i c i e n c y a n d failure. You t u r n m o l e h i l l s i n t o m o u n t a i n s . T h i s s e e m s t o b e a m o r e socially s u p p o r t e d w a y for w o m e n t o e n g a g e t h a n f o r m e n . I t i s o f t e n e x p e r i e n c e d a s f e e l i n g n e e d y for a p p r o v a l a n d u n b r o k e n e m o t i o n a l contact w i t h o t h e r s . An example of attack-absorb: " H o w c o m e you were a h u n d r e d fifty dollars off in balancing your c h e c k b o o k again?"
SOUL WITHOUT
102
SHAME
" I ' m a failure. I've probably b o u n c e d five checks, and I'll never m a k e e n o u g h m o n e y to be able to take a vacation!"
Sue demonstrates the absorbing e n g a g e m e n t in the episode w i t h this c h a p t e r a n d i n t h e c h a p t e r 1 4 a n d 1 6 e p i s o d e s .
Survival
of the
Child
E n e r g e t i c a l l y , t h e s e t h r e e m o d e s e x e m p l i f y t h e t h r e e r e s p o n s e s availa b l e t o a y o u n g c h i l d i n t h e face o f p a r e n t a l j u d g m e n t , c r i t i c i s m , o r t h r e a t e n i n g d e m a n d s : fight back, shut o u t , or give
u p . All are
r e s p o n s e s t o a n e x p e r i e n c e o f t h r e a t t o t h e child's p s y c h i c s u r v i v a l . T h e s e m o d e s a r e a n a l o g o u s t o t h e basic s u r v i v a l r e s p o n s e s t o p h y s ical a t t a c k : f i g h t , freeze, f a i n t (flight i s n u m b e r f o u r ) . I n o r d e r t o u n d e r s t a n d a p r o f o u n d t u r n i n g p o i n t i n a child's d e v e l o p m e n t , let's c o n s i d e r o n e t h r e a d o f t h e c o m p l e x t a p e s t r y o f e a r l y c h i l d h o o d . S h e o f t e n feels a t t a c k e d o r c o n d e m n e d b y p a r e n t s o n w h o m s h e i s d e p e n d e n t for p h y s i c a l a n d e m o t i o n a l n o u r i s h m e n t T
a n d p r o t e c t i o n . M a n y t i m e s h e r p a r e n t s ' a t t i t u d e s , w ords, a n d a c t i o n s d o n o t reflect o r s u p p o r t h e r i n n e r reality. S h e feels h u r t , r e j e c t e d , criticized, ignored, a b a n d o n e d , manipulated, or attacked. In those m o m e n t s , she is c a u g h t b e t w e e n h e r e m o t i o n a l response of instinctually
moving
away—to
break
off t h e
connection
with
the
a t t a c k e r / p a r e n t , t h e source o f h u r t — a n d h e r physical d e p e n d e n c y a n d h e l p l e s s n e s s u r g i n g h e r t o stay, t o m a i n t a i n t h e r e l a t i o n s h i p w i t h t h e a t t a c k e r / p a r e n t a t all c o s t s . O v e r t i m e , e v e r y c h i l d g i v e s u p a c e r t a i n p a r t o f h e r s o u l t o satisfy t h e r e l a t i o n s h i p d e m a n d s o f p h y s i c a l s u r v i v a l . T h e b r e a d t h a n d d e p t h o f h e r f i e l d o f c o n s c i o u s n e s s b e c o m e less a n d less b e c a u s e she m u s t identify blocks
her
with
natural
the
d e p e n d e n c y o f h e r physical
instincts
of self-preservation
as
needs. This relationship
p r e s e r v a t i o n b e c o m e s t h e p r i o r i t y . I n o t h e r w o r d s , t h e n e e d for c o n nection with the other becomes more important than the need to m a i n t a i n c o n t a c t w i t h h e r t r u e n a t u r e a n d t h e r e b y w i t h h e r soul. T h e child c a n n o t use t h e fourth o p t i o n o f f l i g h t , b r e a k i n g c o n tact, o r r u n n i n g away, b e c a u s e s h e i s d e p e n d e n t o n h e r p a r e n t s for survival. S h e is n e i t h e r b i g n o r s t r o n g e n o u g h to stop t h e attack
Engaging
the
Judge
[03
without endangering the relationship; n o r can she understand the larger context so as not to experience it as an attack or threat. Understanding the child's dilemma will help you to see that your engagement with the j u d g e reflects a childhood pattern: a survival mechanism learned to ward off the energetic intensity of parental j u d g m e n t or attack w i t h o u t threatening the o n g o i n g relationship with the attacker. To establish your independence, you internalized your relationship with your parents as a psychic support, and the survival mechanism of engagement was internalized as part of that process. N o w you engage with your j u d g e in your m i n d the same way you did with your parents long ago. Engagement perpetuates your relationship with the past because it results from the belief that you are still in the life-threatening situation of the child.You are n o w an adult w i t h o u t the physical dependency needs of a child, but you are still psychically dependent because you came to believe you had to be in order to survive. An important step in disengaging is to recognize that what makes you sensitive to an attack now and limits your response to it is an experience from the past. That earlier experience tells you nothing about what is true now. All three modes of engagement leave you emotionally a n d / o r energetically engaged with the a t t a c k e r — t h e way the child was with her parents. (This is not to say that the parent-child relationship is primarily characterized by a sense of compromising selfdenial, but the particular dimension that resulted in internalized self-judgment certainly was.) Engaging the j u d g e is, at its deepest level, an act of self-rejection or self-avoidance, consciously or unconsciously. You are often left silently resentful—filled with impotent anger or rage at the injustice of it all. All too commonly, the resulting state is depression.
Engagements
Need Your
Support
By studying your own experience of engagement, you can learn a great deal about h o w you support the j u d g m e n t process. You will begin to notice that the attack cannot have a sustained effect if you do not engage. Let me repeat that. Judgments will not w o r k in their
104
SOUL
WITHÜUT
SHAMF.
i n t e n d e d ways unless y o u e n g a g e t h e m . T h e usual n o t i o n is that you are j u s t a v i c t i m o r r e c i p i e n t a n d h a v e n o p o w e r i n t h e s i t u a t i o n . I n fact, y o u actively m a i n t a i n t h e j u d g m e n t p r o c e s s t h r o u g h e n g a g i n g it. Y o u s u p p o r t i t b y b e l i e v i n g i t i s n e c e s s a r y W e w i l l e x p l o r e m o r e w h y this is. F o r n o w , y o u w a n t t o use y o u r a w a r e n e s s t o d i s c o v e r your o w n involvement, hopefully w i t h o u t j u d g i n g it or reacting to i t . Y o u w a n t t o see t r u t h f u l l y w h a t takes p l a c e .
In
Session
D o u g r e p o r t e d a n i n c i d e n t w i t h his w o m a n f r i e n d G l o r i a . W h i l e w a l k i n g in a d e p a r t m e n t store, they arrived at the b o t t o m of the up e s c a l a t o r a t t h e s a m e t i m e a s a n o t h e r c o u p l e . G l o r i a s l i p p e d i n front o f t h e c o u p l e , b u t D o u g d e c i d e d n o t t o r u s h , s o h e let t h e m g o ahead. W h e n they got upstairs, Gloria started g o a d i n g h i m about b e i n g passive a n d l e t t i n g o t h e r p e o p l e g e t a h e a d o f h i m : " W h y d o y o u always let o t h e r s t a k e a d v a n t a g e o f y o u b y p l a y i n g t h e g o o d boy?" I n d e s c r i b i n g t h e i n c i d e n t , D o u g c o u l d n ' t u n d e r s t a n d w h y she c o u l d n ' t see his p o i n t o f v i e w . H e k n e w t h a t s h e w a s s p e e d i e r t h a n h e , always i n a h u r r y , w a n t i n g t o g e t a h e a d . H e d i d n ' t s e e t h e n e e d to rush, and he w o u l d rather be polite and be considerate of others. M a y b e he was slower than Gloria, b u t that didn't m e a n he was passive. F u r t h e r m o r e , t h e c o u p l e w a s b l a c k , a n d h e d i d n ' t w a n t t o c r e ate
any feeling in
them
that
he
felt s u p e r i o r » b e c a u s e
he
was
white . . . D o u g was rationalizing. N o m a t t e r h o w m a n y responses h e c a m e u p w i t h t o G l o r i a ' s q u e s t i o n , h e n e v e r s e e m e d satisfied t h a t h e had answered h e r criticism. It c o n t i n u e d to b o t h e r him. This is the d i s t i n c t i v e e n e r g y o f t h e r a t i o n a l i z e r . W h a t h e d o e s n ' t say o r e v e n r e c o g n i z e is that he is feeling attacked. I asked w h a t b o t h e r e d h i m a b o u t the interaction w i t h Gloria. H e said h e j u s t c o u l d n ' t u n d e r s t a n d h o w s h e w a s u n a b l e t o see his side o f t h i n g s . W h a t w a s i t like t o feel n o t u n d e r s t o o d ? H e d i d n ' t like it, e s p e c i a l l y b e c a u s e s h e k e p t c r i t i c i z i n g h i m for b e i n g t o o n i c e , a s i f h e w e r e t o o a c c o m m o d a t i n g t o o t h e r s t o t a k e care o f himself. H e i n d i c a t e d t h a t s h e o f t e n c r i t i c i z e d h i m for b e i n g t o o c a r i n g .
Engaging
the Judge
105
D o u g realized he felt hurt that she often interpreted his concern for others as weakness. N o w he could see that he had felt attacked by her q u e s t i o n — t h a t it hurt him to be misunderstood in his intentions. Until this point, he couldn't stop engaging the attack because he was rationalizing his responses to avoid feeling hurt.Thus, he kept it going, without realizing the part he was playing. O n c e he recognized that he was feeling hurt, D o u g was able simply to attend to that feeling, notice that he had felt the hurt at other times w i t h o u t realizing it, and that it made h i m sad. It was not clear w h e t h e r he would recognize such an attack from Gloria in the future or be able to disengage from it, but at the m o m e n t , he was no longer engaged in this recent incident. Being able to recognize w h e n you engage an attack immediately offers you an avenue of disengaging—simply to stop the engagement activity. This is a real option, but it is m o r e difficult than it might at first seem. W h a t is perhaps m o r e helpful n o w is to c o n tinue to develop your awareness of yourself and the ways you engage. In addition, k n o w i n g w h i c h m o d e is your most familiar style can help expand your awareness.
Centers
of Engagement
Each m o d e of engagement roughly corresponds to one of the three "centers" in the body: the belly, the head, and the heart. Counterattacking is a belly reaction—instinctive, fast, w i t h o u t thought or feeling.The underlying assumption fueling this engagement is that survival depends on strength and power.The childhood belief of those w h o engage in this way was that the only way to stop the attack was to fight back, to resist, not to be taken prisoner. For whatever reason, n o t fighting back felt too devastating to endure. T h e central polarity here is strength and weakness. By counterattacking, you unconsciously h o p e d to have your own strength recognized, preventing further attacks by intimidating others. But this requires showing that the attack has no power over you and that you are not at all vulnerable to it. This means that if you are one w h o counterattacks, your response must be immediate,
106
SOUL
WITHOUT
SHAME
a n d y o u w i l l t e n d t o h a v e little f e e l i n g o r a w a r e n e s s o f y o u r s e l f a t the time. T o s t o p t h e c y c l e o f a t t a c k - c o u n t e r a t t a c k , y o u w i l l n e e d t o step b a c k f r o m t h a t i n s t i n c t u a l s h o w o f f o r c e l o n g e n o u g h for s o m e t h i n g else t o h a p p e n . W h a t will h e l p y o u i s t o s l o w d o w n . W h e n y o u d o n ' t r e a c t i m m e d i a t e l y , t h e r e i s t i m e for y o u a t least t o n o t i c e t h e a t t a c k a n d b e g i n t o feel h o w i t affects y o u . I n o t h e r w o r d s , y o u b r i n g i n m o r e awareness of y o u r heart and head centers. C o u n t e r a t t a c k e r s find vulnerability' e s p e c i a l l y difficult b e c a u s e t o t h e m i t implies w e a k n e s s . T h o u g h m a n y p e o p l e d o n o t regularly counterattack w h e n others criticize t h e m , almost everyone does w h e n t h e y are i n v o l v e d i n t h e p o w e r s t r u g g l e s o f a s u s t a i n e d i n t i mate relationship. W h e n s o m e o n e k n o w s h o w t o push your buttons, it is very hard not to automatically reciprocate: you counterattack by p u s h i n g the b u t t o n s in the o t h e r that you k n o w so well. Rationalizing o r i g i n a t e s i n t h e h e a d c e n t e r a n d t e n d s t o b e q u i t e m e n t a l a n d o u t o f t o u c h w i t h feeling o r direct action. I f y o u h a b i t u a l l y r e a c t in this way, y o u p r o b a b l y l e a r n e d as a c h i l d t h a t w h a t w a s m o s t respected was t h e p o w e r o f the m i n d . Your greatest h o p e tor avoiding j u d g m e n t was to justify yourself a n d hopefully c o n v i n c e y o u r parents t h r o u g h reason that y o u w e r e right. T h e n m a y b e they w o u l d a c c e p t a n d a p p r o v e o f y o u . T h e w o r s t t h i n g y o u c o u l d d o was t o b e c o m e irrational o r e m o t i o n a l , plead, o r t h r o w yourself o n their m e r c y , for t h a t w o u l d o n l y p r o v e t h a t y o u h a d n o l o g i c a l s u p p o r t for y o u r p o s i t i o n , t h a t y o u w e r e w r o n g . F e e l i n g s h a d t o b e h i d d e n , a n d n o a c t i o n c o u l d b e t a k e n w i t h o u t careful f o r e t h o u g h t . T h e c e n t r a l p o l a r i t y h e r e i s right and wrong. S o t o b r e a k t h e r a t i o n a l i z i n g e n g a g e m e n t will m e a n l e t t i n g g o o f t h e p r i m a c y o f t h e m i n d . I f y o u are a r a t i o n a l i z e r , y o u m u s t p r a c t i c e b e i n g a w a r e o f y o u r 1
h e a r t after b e i n g j u d g e d , o r n o t i c i n g w h a t y o u r b o d y w a n t ; t o d o . F o r y o u , t h i n k i n g r e p l a c e s all o t h e r a c t i v i t y a n d basically b l o c k s a n y a w a r e n e s s of y o u r s e l f in t h e m o m e n t . It is p a r t i c u l a r l y difficult for a r a t i o n a l i z e r t o feel t h e p a i n o f t h e a t t a c k b e c a u s e p a i n i m p l i e s t h e r e is something w r o n g with you. Rationalizing is probably the most c o m m o n f o r m of e n g a g e m e n t in public situations or hierarchical r e l a t i o n s (for e x a m p l e , b o s s / e m p l o y e e ) . Absorbing or collapsing is a r e a c t i o n of t h e h e a r t c e n t e r , s t i m u l a t -
Engaging
the
judge
107
i n g s u c h s t r o n g e m o t i o n a l p a t t e r n s t h a t t h i n k i n g clearly o r t a k i n g a c t i o n b e c o m e s all b u t i m p o s s i b l e . T h e a s s u m p t i o n
fueling the
absorbing e n g a g e m e n t is the c h i l d h o o d belief that w h a t is most i m p o r t a n t for s u r v i v a l i s l o v e a n d a t t e n t i o n . T h e p o l a r i t y m o s t a c t i v e h e r e i s good and bad. T h e g o o d p a r e n t i s t h e s o u r c e of. l o v e , a n d y o u m u s t b e t h e g o o d c h i l d t o d e s e r v e it. W h e n y o u w e r e a c h i l d , f e e l i n g t h e loss o f love t h r o u g h a p a r e n t s j u d g m e n t seemed life-threatening. Therefore, the most important goal w a s t o c o n t i n u e t o see y o u r p a r e n t s a s g o o d a n d a c c e p t t h e i r v i e w of y o u in o r d e r to regain t h e love.You f o u n d that t h e best way t o r e c o v e r t h e i r l o v e a n d t h e sense t h a t y o u w e r e g o o d w a s t o feel h o w m i s e r a b l y b a d y o u w e r e . T h e n t h e y w o u l d c o m f o r t y o u a n d say i t w a s n ' t s o b a d , t h a t y o u w e r e really a g o o d c h i l d . S o f e e l i n g b a d was a w a y t o g e t l o v e , f o r g i v e n e s s , a n d s y m p a t h y a n d a v o i d p a i n f u l judgments. S h i f t i n g o u t o f a b s o r b i n g a s e n g a g e m e n t will i n v o l v e g i v i n g u p y o u r belief in y o u r unlovableness. If y o u collapse u n d e r attacks, o n e c h a l l e n g e i s t o b e c o m e a w a r e o f t h e e x t e r n a l reality o f t h e s i t u a t i o n (develop a m o r e d e t a c h e d m e n t a l awareness) rather than be overw h e l m e d w i t h a f e e l i n g state. D o e s y o u r s e n s e o f b a d n e s s , failure, o r h o p e l e s s n e s s a c c u r a t e l y reflect t h e reality o f t h e s i t u a t i o n ? T h e m o s t difficult c h a l l e n g e , h o w e v e r , i s t o b e able t o m o b i l i z e e n e r g y t o s u p port yourself As an absorber, taking action on your o w n behalf i m p l i e s t h e p r e s e n c e o f self-love. A b s o r b i n g i s p r o b a b l y t h e m o s t c o m m o n e n g a g e m e n t of your internal j u d g e .
Inner
Engagement
Y o u are p r o b a b l y m o s t familiar w i t h a b s o r b i n g a s a r e a c t i o n t o y o u r o w n j u d g e b e c a u s e , w h e n y o u e n g a g e i n this way, y o u feel m o s t d i r e c t l y t h e effects o f b e i n g a t t a c k e d . Y o u feel b a d a b o u t yourself, o f t e n a s h a m e d a n d guilty. Y o u obsess a b o u t y o u r failures, y o u r b a d qualities, y o u r g l o o m y future, y o u r lack of friends, a n d so o n . You feel c a u g h t i n a d o w n w a r d spiral a n d f i n d y o u r s e l f r e t r e a t i n g a n d perhaps shrinking. M o v i n g away from collapsing or absorbing the a t t a c k feels a s i f i t w o u l d j u s t o p e n y o u u p t o m o r e a t t a c k s . Y o u r o n l y c h o i c e is to h i d e in y o u r deficiency.
108
S o u i. W I T H O U T
SHA M E
I n this f o r m o f e n g a g e m e n t , y o u b e l i e v e t h e o n l y w a y t o s t o p t h e a t t a c k i s t o a t t a c k y o u r s e l f first. S o y o u a c c e p t a n d e v e n confess y o u r inadequacy, in the h o p e that others will proclaim y o u r g o o d ness, o r a t least f o r g i v e y o u , for y o u c a n ' t . I n m a n y cases, t h e h o p e for e s c a p e f r o m a t t a c k is l o n g g o n e , a n d all t h a t r e m a i n s is a c e r t a i n f a m i l i a r i t y w i t h b e i n g b a d , d e f i c i e n t , n e e d y , h e l p l e s s , o r a failure. E n g a g i n g y o u r j u d g e t h r o u g h collapse is a way of giving up t h e effort t o b e a d u l t a n d r e t u r n i n g t o y o u r c h i l d h o o d w o r l d w i t h y o u r g o o d parent a n d y o u r wish to be loved. B u t y o u r i n n e r p r o c e s s c a n also t a k e o n t h e o t h e r f o r m s o f e n g a g e m e n t . R a t i o n a l i z i n g is a fairly familiar m e n t a l a c t i v i t y for m a n y people, b u t they d o n ' t necessarily c o n n e c t it w i t h b e i n g a t t a c k e d b e c a u s e g e n e r a l l y t h e r e i s little f e e l i n g c o m p o n e n t i n t h e i r rationalizing. However, w h e n e v e r you find yourself explaining your a c t i o n s , j u s t i f y i n g y o u r feelings, o r t r y i n g t o f i g u r e o u t t h e r i g h t r e s p o n s e , c h a n c e s are g o o d y o u are e n g a g i n g a n a t t a c k . I n a b s o r b i n g , y o u g e t lost i n y o u r e m o t i o n a l state, w h i l e i n r a t i o n a l i z i n g , i t i s easy t o g e t lost i n fantasies. Y o u c a n stay a w a y f r o m u n p l e a s a n t f e e l ings b y p l a y i n g o u t e n d l e s s s c e n a r i o s o f w h a t m i g h t h a v e h a p p e n e d or h o w it m i g h t be in the future. A t t h e s e t i m e s , i t i s less i m p o r t a n t t o a c t u a l l y w o r k s o m e t h i n g o u t t h a n i t i s t o a v o i d t h e a t t a c k a n d t h e feelings i t b r i n g s u p . B u t s i n c e t h e a t t a c k c o n t i n u e s t o exist i n t h e b a c k g r o u n d , y o u c a n ' t s t o p t h e fantasies. S o m e t i m e s , r a t i o n a l i z i n g is e x p e r i e n c e d as a m e n t a l o b s e s s i o n w i t h a n e x p e r i e n c e y o u h a d o r m i g h t h a v e as y o u
des-
p e r a t e l y s e e k t h e p e r f e c t r e s o l u t i o n for t h e s i t u a t i o n . T h a t sense o f n o t b e i n g able t o let g o o f s o m e t h i n g i n d i c a t e s t h e p r e s e n c e o f a n u n d e r l y i n g a t t a c k t h a t has n o t b e e n a d d r e s s e d . R a t i o n a l i z i n g k e e p s you engaged. Least o b v i o u s o f t h e i n t e r n a l e n g a g e m e n t s i s t h e c o u n t e r a t t a c k . H o w d o y o u c o u n t e r a t t a c k y o u r o w n j u d g e ? Basically w i t h t h e e n e r g y b e h i n d s t a t e m e n t s s u c h as, " W h o cares w h a t y o u t h i n k . . . . I'll s h o w y o u w h o ' s b o s s h e r e . . . . D o n ' t tell m e h o w I ' m s u p p o s e d t o b e o r w h a t I ' m s u p p o s e d t o d o . I'll d o e x a c t l y w h a t I w a n t t o d o . " N o t i c e t h a t t h e b e l i e f m a y b e t h a t this t y p e o f d e f i a n c e i s s e p a r a t i n g y o u f r o m t h e j u d g e : " I a m p u s h i n g i t away a n d c l a i m i n g m y o w n i n d e p e n d e n c e . " H o w e v e r , the strength of the action derives p r i m a r -
Engaging
the
Judge
109
ily f r o m o p p o s i t i o n t o o r r e b e l l i o n a g a i n s t t h e p o w e r o f t h e j u d g e . T h e illusion o f i n d e p e n d e n c e i s a c h i e v e d o n l y b y f i g h t i n g off t h e a t t a c k . F o r t h i s r e a s o n , m a i n t a i n i n g t h e sense o f s t r e n g t h a n d s e p a rateness i s dependent o n p u s h i n g away, w h i c h m e a n s k e e p i n g t h e fight going, which means engagement. O n e m a n i f e s t a t i o n o f this i n t e r n a l c o u n t e r a t t a c k i n g e n g a g e m e n t is self-destructive behavior.Your j u d g e believes you should n o t d r i n k ( y o u r p a r e n t s d r a n k t o o m u c h ) o r s m o k e (it causes l u n g c a n cer) o r eat s w e e t s (you w i l l g e t fat, a n d n o o n e w i l l like y o u ) , s o y o u r counterattacking e n g a g e m e n t of these attacks is to do exactly w h a t y o u are n o t s u p p o s e d t o : y o u d r i n k , s m o k e , o r eat s w e e t s . Y o u are saying " f u c k y o u " t o t h e j u d g e . " I ' l l d o i t i f I w a n t t o , a n d y o u c a n ' t s t o p m e ! " It's a p o w e r s t r u g g l e , a n d i n e v i t a b l y a d d i c t i v e b e h a v i o r o f this s o r t results i n e v e n s t r o n g e r a t t a c k s b y t h e j u d g e a s y o u suffer f r o m t h e effects o t t h e s e l f - d e s t r u c t i v e b e h a v i o r . E v e n t h o u g h y o u r e c o g n i z e t h a t t h e b e h a v i o r h u r t s y o u , y o u r e s o r t t o i t i n a n effort t o g e t b a c k a t y o u r j u d g e . Y o u are a c t i n g o u t o f y o u r r e s e n t m e n t a n d h a t r e d o f f e e l i n g d i c t a t e d t o a n d t r e a t e d like a c h i l d . B u t y o u are o n l y e s c a l a t i n g t h e e n g a g e m e n t w i t h self-attack. E a c h o f t h e s e m o d e s has its o w n h i s t o r y , a s s u m p t i o n s , a n d c h a r acteristics, a n d t h e y m a y s e e m m u t u a l l y e x c l u s i v e . B u t r e m e m b e r , t h e s e d e f i n i t i o n s o n l y p r o v i d e a c o n c e p t u a l f r a m e w o r k for h e l p i n g y o u e x p l o r e a n d u n d e r s t a n d j u d g m e n t i n yourself. D o n o t feel c o n f i n e d t o o n e o f t h e s e c a t e g o r i e s . E v e r y o n e will h a v e s o m e e x p e r i e n c e w i t h e a c h m o d e , t h o u g h t h e p a r t i c u l a r details m a y v a r y f r o m p e r s o n t o p e r s o n . W h a t i s i m p o r t a n t i s t h a t y o u b e g i n t o see t h e rather predictable nature of t h e patterns that s u p p o r t i n n e r attacks.
How
Engagement
Feels
T h e m o r e y o u b e c o m e aware o f e n g a g i n g attacks, the m o r e y o u will b e a b l e t o r e c o g n i z e t h e e n e r g e t i c sense o f b e i n g e n g a g e d . B e i n g e n g a g e d c a n h a v e a s t i c k y feel t o it, like f l y p a p e r : o n c e y o u are i n it, m o v e m e n t only makes it worse. You try to go on to o t h e r things w i t h y o u r m i n d and y o u r energy, b u t y o u k e e p getting pulled back to rationalizing or obsessing a b o u t s o m e t h i n g that h a p p e n e d . You are n o t satisfied w i t h a n y t h i n g , c a n ' t c o m p l e t e t h i n g s . Y o u f i n d y o u
no
SOUL
WITHOUT
SHAME
c a n ' t let g o o f s o m e t h i n g w h e n y o u are d o n e ; y o u k e e p fussing o v e r i t t o m a k e i t p e r f e c t — w h e n a c t u a l l y w h a t y o u c a n ' t let g o o f i s t h e engagement in your mind. A n o t h e r a s p e c t o f this e n g a g e m e n t state i s a s e n s e o f c o n f i n e m e n t . Y o u m a y find y o u r s e l f f e e l i n g d o w n r i g h t c l a u s t r o p h o b i c a s t h e a t t a c k a n d y o u r e n g a g e m e n t o f i t leave y o u n o w h e r e t o t u r n o r m o v e : y o u feel t r a p p e d , c l o s e d i n . O r y o u r b r e a t h i n g m a y b e c o n s t r i c t e d , w h i c h y o u m i g h t n o t n o t i c e u n t i l y o u s l o w d o w n a n d find t h a t it takes a c o n s c i o u s effort to b r e a t h e d e e p l y . A t h i r d q u a l i t y of e n g a g e m e n t is a feeling of murkiness, of b e i n g in cloudy or m u d d y w a t e r . Y o u c a n ' t g e t clear a b o u t w h a t ' s g o i n g o n o r w h a t n e e d s t o b e d o n e . Y o u feel c o n f u s e d , easily d i s t r a c t e d , a n d u n g r o u n d e d , a s i f things a r o u n d y o u w o n ' t c o m e i n t o focus. A n o t h e r f l a v o r o f e n g a g e m e n t i s a s u b t l e b u t c o n s t a n t sense o f f r u s t r a t i o n (associated m o s t o f t e n w i t h c o u n t e r a t t a c k i n g ) . T h i s i s similar t o t h e s t i c k i n e s s b u t i n c l u d e s a d o s e o f i r r i t a t i o n a n d a g i t a tion. It is as if everything rubs you the w r o n g way no matter h o w m u c h you try to relax and calm yourself.You can't quite get m a d b e c a u s e n o t h i n g i s really significant, b u t t h e f r u s t r a t i o n w o n ' t g o away. O t h e r qualities o f e n g a g e m e n t i n c l u d e depression ( a b s o r b / c o l lapse) a n d r i g i d i t y ( r a t i o n a l i z e ) . D e p r e s s i o n c a r r i e s t h a t h e a v y . l e t h a r g i c , a p a t h e t i c quality. Y o u h a v e a h a r d t i m e s u m m o n i n g u p e n e r g y t o d o a n y t h i n g , a n d n o t h i n g s e e m s t o m a t t e r all t h a t m u c h . W h y n o t j u s t w a t c h T V ? R i g i d i t y feels t i g h t a n d stiff b o t h e m o t i o n a l l y a n d p h y s i c a l l y a s t h o u g h y o u h a v e n o flexibility i n y o u r j o i n t s o r i n y o u r responses.This is a variation on the sense of c o n f i n e m e n t , b u t rather t h a n f e e l i n g t r a p p e d o r c l o s e d i n b y s o m e t h i n g o u t s i d e yourself, t h e f e e l i n g s e e m s m o r e i n t e r n a l — a sense o f i n n e r c r o w d i n g , o f b e i n g brittle and hard. Y o u are p r o b a b l y familiar w i t h all t h e s e e n e r g e t i c q u a l i t i e s , b u t n o w y o u c a n see t h a t t h e y m a y b e m a n i f e s t a t i o n s o f b e i n g e n g a g e d w i t h a n a t t a c k — i n d i c a t o r s o f s e l f - j u d g m e n t . I t h a p p e n s like this: Y o u e x p e r i e n c e a n i n n e r a t t a c k f r o m y o u r j u d g e . I t affects y o u a n d c o n t i n u e s t o affect y o u a s y o u u n c o n s c i o u s l y e n g a g e i t b y c o u n t e r attacking, rationalizing, or absorbing. M e a n w h i l e , y o u go about your life a n d feel c o m p u l s i v e , c o n s t r i c t e d , n o t v e r y f o c u s e d , a n d slightly
Engaging
the Judge
111
depressed. Is this state related to the attack and the inner engagement? Absolutely. Recognizing engagement is a refinement and deepening of your awareness of the energetic and emotional effects of j u d g m e n t that we looked at in chapter 4.You see that the particular effects are related to the way you engage the attacks. W i t h some practice at noticing your o w n process, you will c o m e to recognize the qualities of your own state of engagement. You may already be noticing that you are operating in this state a large percentage of the time. Some people live most of their lives in this state and take it to be normal.
Engagement
in
Daily
Life
Engagement is evident in the extreme on most TV sitcoms. Often, 90 percent of sitcom and soap opera interaction is j u d g m e n t and engagement: attack followed by counterattack, rationalize, and absorb. In some comedies, the main form of h u m o r is counterattack. ( O n the other hand, one of the most satisfying types of h u m o r comes from a real defense against attack because it supports the soul's truth.) In "real life," engagement is an accepted form of social interaction, very apparent in casual conversation and gossip. Consider h o w m u c h of superficial conversation consists of complaining or berating y o u r self (absorbing), explaining or justifying your behavior (rationalizing) , or criticizing or putting d o w n others (counterattacking). I refer to these all as engagements rather than attacks because, if explored in yourself, these behaviors usually arise in reaction to your o w n selfj u d g m e n t . However, they could certainly be both. R e c o g n i z i n g attacks and engagement behavior, and the selfrejection implicit in both, is a gradual process. At first, you do not feel the self-rejection or attack in what you are doing because it is so familiar and it supports the ways you are used to thinking and behaving. Over time, as self-awareness develops, you naturally begin to experience h o w painful it is.This means you are b e c o m i n g aware that the attack and engagement behavior does n o t support you.You recognize that, t h o u g h familiar, it perpetuates a self-destructive process.You start to value yourself in a n e w way, different from what
112
S O U L \V I T H C H I T S I I A M r
is supported by the attacks.You don't want to continue that form of self-rejection. This is the natural m o v e m e n t of w o r k i n g with j u d g ment. Judgments that you didn't notice last year because they felt familiar and acceptable are n o w painful and upsetting, though others may continue to find t h e m normal. Thus, in exploring your engagement of the judge, little by little you b e c o m e aware of the a m o u n t of time you are affected by attacks, often w i t h o u t k n o w i n g it. For instance, you probably use many c o m m o n activities to act out your engagement of attacks and, in that process, reject yourself. Have you ever eaten to fill a collapsed state, watched TV to avoid depression, told your story to a friend to rationalize away an attack, played a mean game of racquetball or yelled at other drivers in traffic to counterattack your own judge? As you begin to recognize your o w n engaging behavior, you may begin to notice you have been u n d e r attack w i t h o u t being aware of it and w i t h o u t k n o w i n g what the attack was. You then have the opportunity to reflect back on your experience to see if you can discover what happened and h o w you felt attacked. This is a difficult stage in the journey: staying with the discomfort and feeling of entrapment to understand the truth about j u d g ment, it is tempting to look for quick solutions, convenient interpretations, or more comfortable experiences. Supporting yourself to stay with what is true is not easy. Awareness requires the perseverance of your own personal will to move toward freeing your soul of engagement and self-attack. •
POINTS TO REMEMBER • Your normal reactions to j u d g m e n t are not true defenses against attack: they are engagements. Engagements endeavor to minimize, deflect, or argue with the j u d g m e n t , but they don't put an end to the relationship itself. • To truly defend against an attack—that is, to disengage—is to see the j u d g m e n t as an unacceptable invasion or intrusion and take whatever action is needed to end it. This means not being involved with the j u d g e at all.
Engaging
the Judge
113
T h e r e are t h r e e basic m o d e s o f e n g a g i n g a n a t t a c k , all o f w h i c h b u y i n t o t h e j u d g m e n t b u t e x p r e s s i t differently. T h e y are: Counterattack: A n a t t e m p t t o f i g h t back a n d
defeat t h e j u d g e , t o
t h r o w t h e e n e r g y b a c k w h e r e i t c a m e f r o m s o t h a t t h e a t t a c k will s t o p . T h i s b e h a v i o r usually i n v o l v e s blaming o t h e r s a n d c o m p l e t e l y r e j e c t i n g a n y d e f i c i e n t feelings i n yourself. I t d o e s n ' t a c h i e v e d i s e n g a g e m e n t b e c a u s e t h e result i s a n e s c a l a t i o n o f t h e i n t e r a c tion—and
c o n t i n u e d a v o i d a n c e o f y o u r real e x p e r i e n c e . T h e
b o d y c e n t e r i s t h e belly; t h e f o c u s o f c o n c e r n i s t h e p o l a r i t y o f strength
and
weakness.
Rationalize: An a t t e m p t to justify or explain yourself, to argue y o u r way out of the j u d g m e n t , in order to prevent the attacking energy f r o m p e n e t r a t i n g a n d e x p o s i n g t h e a l l e g e d deficiency. I t d o e s n ' t a c h i e v e d i s e n g a g e m e n t b e c a u s e w h a t y o u say n e v e r c o m p l e t e l y a n s w e r s t h e j u d g m e n t . T h e r e i s always a m o r e p e r f e c t a n s w e r j u s t a h e a d . T h e b o d y c e n t e r i s t h e head; t h e t o c u s o f c o n c e r n i s t h e p o l a r i t y of right and wrong. Absorb or collapse: O p p o s i t i o n is r e p l a c e d w i t h c o m p l i a n c e in an effort t o a p p e a s e t h e a t t a c k e r a n d m a k e t h e s i t u a t i o n O K a g a i n . T h i s r e s p o n s e is m o s t e v i d e n t in t h e activities oí placating a n d complaining. It is o f t e n e x p e r i e n c e d as f e e l i n g n e e d y for a p p r o v a l a n d unbroken emotional contact with others. It doesn't achieve disengagement because you tend to keep linking the j u d g m e n t to all k i n d s o f o t h e r issues, t h u s e x a g g e r a t i n g y o u r d e f i c i e n c y a n d failure. T h e b o d y c e n t e r i s t h e heart; t h e focus o f c o n c e r n i s t h e p o l a r i t y oí good and bad. T h e e n g a g e m e n t m o d e s e x e m p l i f y t h e t h r e e r e s p o n s e s available t o a y o u n g c h i l d i n t h e face o f p a r e n t a l j u d g m e n t , c r i t i c i s m , o r t h r e a t e n i n g d e m a n d s : f i g h t b a c k , s h u t o u t , o r g i v e u p . All are r e s p o n s e s t o a n e x p e r i e n c e o f t h r e a t t o t h e child's p s y c h i c s u r v i v a l . E n g a g e m e n t p e r p e t u a t e s y o u r r e l a t i o n s h i p w i t h t h e past b e c a u s e i t results f r o m t h e b e l i e f t h a t y o u are still i n t h e l i f e - t h r e a t e n i n g situation of t h e child. B e i n g able t o r e c o g n i z e w h e n y o u e n g a g e a n a t t a c k i m m e d i a t e l y
114
SOUL
WITHOUT
SHAME
offers y o u a n a v e n u e o f d i s e n g a g i n g — s i m p l y t o s t o p t h e e n g a g e m e n t activity. •
An i m p o r t a n t first step in w o r k i n g w i t h e n g a g e m e n t is to develop y o u r awareness of yourself and the ways you engage. K n o w i n g w h i c h m o d e i s y o u r m o s t f a m i l i a r style c a n h e l p e x p a n d y o u r awareness.
EXERCISE: IDENTIFYING MODES OF ENGAGEMENT I n b o t h y o u r i n t e r n a l a n d e x t e r n a l life, recall s o m e o f y o u r r e c e n t experiences of feeling attacked a n d explore w h i c h m o d e of e n g a g e m e n t y o u u s e d i n e a c h case. C o n s i d e r social, w o r k , a n d i n t i m a t e situ a t i o n s . D o y o u r e s p o n d s i m i l a r l y i n all t y p e s o f i n t e r a c t i o n s ? W h i c h situations evoke w h i c h m o d e s ? N o t i c e if y o u use o n e particular m o d e most of the time.
EXERCISE: OBSERVING ENGAGEMENTS IN SOCIAL SITUATIONS T h e n e x t t i m e y o u are a t a d i n n e r p a r t y o r o t h e r social activity, p a y particular attention to the presence of attacks a n d e n g a g e m e n t s in t h e c o n v e r s a t i o n . H o w d o e s i t ieel t o p a y a t t e n t i o n t o t h a t level o f t h e c o n v e r s a t i o n ? D o y o u f i n d y o u r s e l f p a r t i c i p a t i n g ? W h a t c a n you d o t o avoid s u p p o r t i n g that k i n d o f interaction?
The
ego
superego
automatically with
itself against
and
repression
unconsciously
of parts
responds
of the personality,
its painful attacks. An
effective
to to
way to
the defend
deal
with
the superego is to learn to defend against its attacks in a different
way,
without
unconscious
having
to
defense mechanisms
be conscious and intentional, matic
ways
that
can
and
weakness
weak.
in
}
he
is
good is
superego that is not really rational. this response many
times but
being
the
other has
to
the habitual auto-
unconsciousness.
with: "Father
Tenderness
and
The method
contrast to
only foster
or femininity/' then
repression
of the ego.
instance, if the man responds feminine
use
.
.
.
For
it's not true 1 am and
does
not
reasonable
mean
with
a
Also, he probably has tried
without success because
in
this
response the man is on the defensive; he is trying to justify his ing and to account to somebody elsefor its being okay. justification
already implies some guilt,
and so
it
won't
Any work.
-— A. H. Almaas, Essence, pp. 1 37-1 38
Sue stiffened w i t h surprise at Frank's u n e x p e c t e d behavior. She did n o t respond to his kiss and felt uneasy after the c o m m e n t about h e r calling h i m sweetheart. After all, she had n o t m e a n t it in a loving way. It was simply a habitual way to manipulate h i m into d o i n g w h a t she wanted. She felt guilty a b o u t that and w o n d e r e d if he was m a k i n g fun of her. C"
Watch out, Sue. You can't trust this openness.You know you don't deserve to be treated lovingly. After all, you were just complaining to him, and besides, you are feeling crummy as usual. He's doing something strange, so don't let him get to you.
Sue was aware of this familiar voice, and she was aware of Frank sitting on her lap, staring at h e r w i t h a very o p e n , loving look. She didn't k n o w w h a t to do or w h a t to make of this situation. All she could m a n age was to take a breath and exhale. Sue felt less tense b u t m o r e rooted to the spot, unable or unwilling to do anything. O Look, just push him away. You know he's too heavy to sit onyou.Tell him you cant deal with this now. If you don't, you'll be sorry later. He just wants something from you, and he's worked out a new strategy to catch you off guard. Sue realized h o w often she listened to that voice, d o i n g and believing whatever it said. It was familiar, and she was t e m p t e d to go w i t h the familiar. However, at the m o m e n t , she was m o r e interested in w h a t was here n o w : Frank's l o o k and that last c o m m e n t he m a d e a b o u t his o w n j u d g e . Boy, I know exactly what he means. W i t h o u t t h i n k i n g about it, Sue leaned forward and kissed h i m . H e r hands reached inside his robe, feeling his w a r m skin as they slid around his back and squeezed his flesh. H e r b o d y suddenly felt alive and hungry, and his felt full, strong, and responsive. After an e x t e n d e d kiss, Frank pulled away, smiling, and said, "Take it easy, my neck is out, and I d o n ' t w a n t to make it worse . . ." O Here goes, now he's going to blame it on you and then withdraw. I told you this was a mistake. ". . . Are you sure you have a headache?You d o n ' t feel like you have a headache.You feel g o o d e n o u g h to eat!" A n d w i t h that, he slipped off his robe, gently pushed h e r d o w n o n t o h e r back, and climbed on top of her.
9 PERSONAL
WILL
T H E J U D G E BELIEVES T H A T i t k n o w s w h a t i s b e s t for y o u , h o w y o u n e e d t o b e , w h a t y o u n e e d t o pay a t t e n t i o n t o , a n d w h a t i s w r o n g w i t h y o u . T h e m o r e y o u s t u d y it, t h e m o r e y o u see i t has a m i n d a n d a w i l l o f its o w n . T o free y o u r s e l f f r o m this c o n s t a n t c o n t r o l l i n g quality of the j u d g e , y o u n e e d to u n d e r s t a n d a n d use y o u r o w n will. B u t h a v i n g y o u r o w n will d o e s n o t m e a n g e t t i n g i n t o a battle o f wills w i t h y o u r c r i t i c . H a v i n g y o u r o w n w i l l m e a n s e x p e r i e n c i n g t h e essential s o u l q u a l i t y o f p e r s o n a l w i l l . T h e f o l l o w i n g s t o r y s h o w s s o m e o f t h e stages t h a t o c c u r i n a c t i vating personal
will. T h e
italicized
statements
mark
significant
p o i n t s i n D o r o t h y ' s p r o c e s s i n r e l a t i o n t o this quality.
Life
Lessons
D o r o t h y was a n ambitious y o u n g w o m a n w h o had started h e r o w n b u s i n e s s p r o d u c i n g a n n u a l r e p o r t s for g r o w i n g n o n p r o f i t c o r p o r a tions. S h e was smart, intuitive, a n d h a r d w o r k i n g as well as skilled in w r i t i n g , business
c o m m u n i c a t i o n , and financial statements. She
d r o v e h e r s e l f h a r d a n d d e v e l o p e d a successful b u s i n e s s . D o r o t h y l i k e d b e i n g a s u c c e s s b e c a u s e h e r f a t h e r h a d always p r a i s e d h e r a c c o m p l i s h m e n t s a n d paid special a t t e n t i o n t o h e r w h e n she did well. S h e b e c a m e aware that h e r j u d g e did the same thing. It m o t i vated her to push herself and praised her w h e n she s u c c e e d e d . " E a c h time you land a n e w account or hand in that finished report, you really p r o v e y o u a r e w o r t h s o m e t h i n g , " i t w o u l d say t o h e r .
118
SOLIL
WITHOUT
SHAME
For t h e f i r s t few years, she enjoyed t h e h a r d w o r k , t h e l o n g h o u r s , a n d t h e feeling o f u r g e n c y t o get things d o n e . H e r j u d g e was h e r constant c o m p a n i o n and s u p p o r t , p u s h i n g h e r on if she ever g r e w w e a r y , lonely, or a n x i o u s . At some point, as Dorothy began to feci a desire for a personal life with social time, she became aware of how little she knew what she wanted or what it might look like. S h e also n o t i c e d t h a t w h e n a n a c q u a i n t a n c e w o u l d ask h e r h o w s h e w a s d o i n g , s h e always a n s w e r e d in t e r m s of h e r w o r k . She realized she did not know how she felt; s h e c o u l d o n l y e v a l u a t e h e r state in r e l a t i o n to h o w far a l o n g s h e w a s i n h e r w o r k o r h o w difficult i t w a s . T i m e p a s s e d , a n d o n e d a y she found herself wanting to take a break in the middle of the day " Y o u c a n ' t do t h a t ; t h e r e ' s t o o m u c h to d o , a n d b e s i d e s it's a w a s t e o f t i m e , " said h e r j u d g e . S h e a g r e e d a n d c o n t i n u e d w o r k i n g . A w e e k later, t h e d e s i r e c a m e u p a g a i n , a n d t h o u g h s h e d i d n ' t leave w o r k , s h e felt u n s e t t l e d e n o u g h t o g e t u p f r o m h e r d e s k a n d g o s t a n d a t t h e w i n d o w a n d w a t c h t h e w o r l d o u t s i d e . I t felt as though a spell were being broken, a n d s h e s t o o d for fifteen m i n u t e s a b s o r b e d i n cars g o i n g b y a n d p e o p l e p a s s i n g b e f o r e h e r j u d g e m a n a g e d to break into her consciousness: " W h a t is g o i n g on? Y o u are g e t t i n g lazy! G e t b a c k t o w o r k b e f o r e y o u g e t i n a n y w o r s e trouble!" As she returned to her desk, she was much more aware of how her body ached and how much at this moment she did not want to write a euphemistic report about some faceless organization and its money F o r t h e first t i m e , s h e r e a l i z e d she was in touch with how she felt in the moment, u n r e l a t e d to h o w t h e w o r k w a s g o i n g . It was a little scary because her feelings didn't match what she was supposed to be doing. H e r j u d g e c h i m e d in, " N o w y o u see w h y p e r s o n a l feelings o n l y c r e a t e p r o b l e m s . Y o u ' v e g o t t o k e e p b u s y a n d stay f o c u s e d o n y o u r goals a n d w h a t y o u h a v e t o d o . W h o k n o w s w h a t w i l l h a p p e n i f y o u start l e t t i n g y o u r s e l f feel things?You m i g h t never w a n t to w o r k again.Then w h e r e w o u l d you b e ? Listen to m e , this p e r s o n a l feelings stuff is a disaster w a i t i n g to happen." Clearly if she w a n t e d the judge's s u p p o r t , she'd better keep pushing. T h e p r o b l e m w a s s h e h a d b e e n d o i n g t h a t for t w o a n d a h a l f y e a r s , a n d t h o u g h s h e h a d s o m e m o n e y a n d a n i c e p l a c e t o live, s h e c o u l d n ' t e n j o y it. S h e w a s always w o r k i n g a n d w a s n ' t e a t i n g w e l l o r
Personal
Will
119
g e t t i n g e x e r c i s e . At this m o m e n t , she felt sure that things would have to change, though she didn't know how. S h e w o n d e r e d w h e r e s h e w o u l d find s u p p o r t s i n c e s h e k n e w h e r j u d g e w o u l d n ' t like i t i f s h e b e g a n p u t t i n g t i m e a n d e n e r g y i n t o p e r s o n a l c o n c e r n s . T h e rest o f t h e a f t e r n o o n , s h e f o u n d h e r s e l f p e r i o d i c a l l y s t o p p i n g t o sit a n d w o n d e r w h a t i t w o u l d b e like t o m a k e s p a c e for herself. D u r i n g t h e s e p a u s e s , she found lierself noticing many things in her office that she had been completely ignoring: t h e w r a p p e r f r o m a s a n d w i c h s h e h a d b o u g h t last w e e k , an early draft of a r e p o r t s t r e w n in a c o r n e r w h e r e s h e h a d d u m p e d it, a p o s t e r c u r l i n g u p w h e r e o n e t h u m b t a c k w a s g o n e , a n e m p t y coffee c u p o n t h e w i n d o w s i l l a n d a n o t h e r o n e o n t h e file cabinet. T h e third t i m e she paused, she s u d d e n l y n o t i c e d right in front o f h e r o n t h e d e s k t h e r o s e h e r l a n d l o r d h a d left h e r t w o w e e k s a g o o n V a l e n t i n e ' s Day, n o w l o n g d e a d a s i t sat i n a n e m p t y glass. T h i s w a s t h e last straw. She got up and spent the rest of the afternoon cleaning her office. " W e l l , it's a b o u t t i m e y o u p a i d a little a t t e n t i o n a r o u n d h e r e . T h i s has h a r d l y b e e n a p r o f e s s i o n a l office, I m u s t say." D o r o t h y c o u l d h e a r h e r j u d g e t r y i n g t o t a k e c r e d i t for w h a t s h e w a s d o i n g on h e r o w n . She didn't care;she knew why she was cleaning. And when she was done, she felt open and clear and happy, not because things were more professional but because she had done what needed to be done and she liked her surroundings now.
For ten minutes, she just sat in her
reading chair, enjoying her office and being aware of how she really felt there in the room in a solid, simple way. It had nothing to do with making something happen. R a t h e r t h a n r e t u r n t o w o r k i n g , s h e d e c i d e d t o t a k e h e r s e l f o u t t o d i n n e r a s a b e g i n n i n g t o h e r n e w life.
Waking
Up
to Reality
D o r o t h y first m u s t see h o w little s h e i s i n t o u c h w i t h h e r s e l f a n d h o w h e r j u d g e has b e e n t h e g u i d e , s u p p o r t , m o t i v a t o r , a n d d i r e c t o r o f h e r life. S h e feels s h e i s d o i n g w h a t s h e w a n t s t o d o , b u t h e r d e s i r e is motivated by w a n t i n g the support of the j u d g e (her internalized f a t h e r ) . G r a d u a l l y , s h e a w a k e n s t o t h e fact t h a t s h e has n o p e r s o n a l life a n d n o i n n e r life s e p a r a t e f r o m h e r w o r k a n d h e r j u d g e . T h i s p r o c e s s o f r e c o g n i z i n g h e r lack o f s e l f - d i r e c t i o n a n d s e l f - a w a r e n e s s reflects an a w a k e n i n g of essential w i l l . It is t h e p e r s o n a l w i l l t h a t is
120
SOUL
WITHOUT
SHA M E
b e i n g activated as y o u b e g i n to question w h a t y o u have taken to be reality, a s y o u realize t h a t y o u r e x p e r i e n c e i s l i m i t e d a n d d o e s n o t n e c e s s a r i l y reflect w h a t i s t r u e for y o u . E v e n as she is w a k i n g up, she is t o o d e p e n d e n t on the support o f t h e j u d g e t o c h a n g e a n y t h i n g . W h e n she can't help herself and b r e a k s t h e p a t t e r n o f h a b i t u a l activity, s h e steps o u t s i d e o f h o w she k n o w s h e r s e l f B u t t h e j u d g e i s q u i c k t o reassert its p o s i t i o n a n d b r i n g her back. D o r o t h y complies but n o w can no longer accept at face v a l u e w h a t i t tells h e r . S h e i s f a c e d w i t h t h e p o s s i b i l i t y t h a t w h a t is u n d e r n e a t h this f a c a d e is a v e r y dissatisfied w o m a n . W h a t it s h e a c t u a l l y d o e s n ' t like this w o r k s h e has c r e a t e d for h e r s e l f ? S h e b e c o m e s aware of major hindrances to seeking her o w n g r o u n d i n g in life—fear of not k n o w i n g what is supposed to happen or what will h a p p e n a n d fear o f l o s i n g t h e j u d g e ' s s u p p o r t . A g a i n , h e r p e r s o n a l w i l l surfaces, this t i m e i n g i v i n g h e r a c e r tainty that she m u s t m o v e in a n e w direction in spite of t h e obstacles. T h i s i s a n o t h e r c h a r a c t e r i s t i c o f this s o u l quality. P e r s o n a l will s u p p o r t s y o u i n d i s c o v e r i n g w h a t i s t r u e for y o u a n d t h e n p r o v i d e s a sense o f c o n f i d e n c e w h e n y o u are a l i g n e d w i t h t h a t t r u t h — e v e n w h e n i t i n c l u d e s n o t k n o w i n g . H a v i n g c o n n e c t e d w i t h this s e n s e o f p e r s o n a l necessity, s h e b e g i n s t o n o t i c e m o r e i m m e d i a t e aspects o t h e r reality, s u c h a s t h e t h i n g s i n h e r office s h e has i g n o r e d w h i l e b e i n g totally a b s o r b e d in a c c o m p l i s h i n g h e r w o r k . T h i s , too, is an e x p r e s s i o n o f h e r p e r s o n a l will g r o u n d i n g h e r i n w h a t i s real i n t h e m o m e n t , inside a n d out.
*
T h e m o r e s h e i s a w a r e o f this e x t e r n a l reality, t h e m o r e s h e i s m o v e d t o r e s p o n d t o it. A t this p o i n t , h e r w i l l m a n i f e s t s i n t a k i n g i m m e d i a t e a c t i o n t o c l e a n h e r office. W h e n y o u are g r o u n d e d i n y o u r personal will a n d recognize that s o m e t h i n g n e e d s t o b e d o n e , y o u feel m o v e d t o d o i t — n o t s o m u c h b e c a u s e y o u w a n t t o d o i t o r s h o u l d d o it, b u t b e c a u s e i t n e e d s t o b e d o n e . T h i s d o i n g i s a n a t u r a l , s p o n t a n e o u s a c t . T h e r e ' s n o n e e d for a j u d g e t o p u s h y o u . Y o u s i m p l y feel g o o d t o b e p a r t o f reality t a k i n g care o f itself. T h e last p i e c e i n D o r o t h y ' s j o u r n e y i n r e l a t i o n t o p e r s o n a l w i l l is sensing t h e actual feeling of will in her o w n body. H a v i n g acted f r o m h e r o w n w i l l r a t h e r t h a n h e r j u d g e ' s , s h e finds a n a t u r a l rest t h a t has a s e n s e of satisfaction a n d s p a c i o u s n e s s in it. In p a r t i c u l a r ,
Personal
Will
121
she is aware of feeling present in a simple, solid way. W h e n you are in t o u c h with your personal will, you feel here, physically g r o u n d e d in the m o m e n t . Y o u r body feels solid and definite, with clear edges and internal density. You k n o w you are here in this place at this m o m e n t and nowhere else.The m i n d may be quiet or busy, but you are not in the past or the future; you are just here now. So we have seen three specific manifestations of personal will: a definite, concrete sense of your own physical presence; a certainty and confidence in your actions; and a knowledge of what is true and what is needed. W h e n you experience your o w n will, it is obvious w i t h o u t thought that these manifestations are all expressions of one inner reality—a solid, unshakable clarity of Being. As your experience of this develops, you recognize that personal will also gives you a certain steadfastness in what you do. K n o w i n g that a particular thing needs to happen in your life is no different from intending it to happen, and that is the same as your c o m m i t m e n t to making it happen. You feel a clarity of purpose that can resist the pulls and pushes of the judge.Just as Dorothy felt her j u d g e trying to take over her action of cleaning, you hear your judge's attempts to m a n i p u late you and are not moved by t h e m . T h i s is not being stubborn or bullheaded about action; there is no effort to ignore reality. On the contrary, personal will is always open to and depends on contact with reality. In interacting with the j u d g e , your personal will exposes how the j u d g e must manipulate reality in order to maintain its power.
Will
and
the Judge
Will builds on awareness and acceptance. You perceive as fully as possible your current reality and align yourself with that.This means being in touch with physical reality: the concrete definiteness of your own body, the air you breathe, the food you eat, the house you live in, the car you drive. If something is broken, you fix it; you don't walk by it for months, h o p i n g it will go away. Will also means being in touch with your feelings, your needs, your thoughts, your beliefs, and your judge. You realize these things don't have ultimate reality, that they are merely a part of your reality you must be in touch with
122
SOUL
WITHOUT
SHAMn
a n d deal w i t h i n a realistic way. W h e n y o u see t h a t a f r i e n d a t w o r k i s always a t t a c k i n g y o u a s a w a y t o m a k e c o n v e r s a t i o n , y o u ask y o u r self w h e t h e r y o u w a n t t h i s ; i f n o t , p e r h a p s y o u ask h i m t o s t o p . I f this d o e s n ' t w o r k , y o u c o n s i d e r w h e t h e r y o u w a n t a f r i e n d w h o i s always a t t a c k i n g y o u ; i f t h e a n s w e r i s n o , m a y b e y o u s t o p r e l a t i n g t o h i m , e v e n i f i t i s socially a w k w a r d . H o w d o e s t h e j u d g e a t t a c k y o u r will? P r i m a r i l y b y t e l l i n g y o u t h a t n o t h i n g w i l l w o r k u n l e s s y o u a p p l y effort, s t r u g g l e , a n d u s e d i s c i p l i n e . " Y o u c a n ' t j u s t sit t h e r e ; y o u h a v e t o d e a l w i t h t h i s . E v e r y b o d y i s w a t c h i n g y o u ; w h a t are y o u g o i n g t o d o ? L o o k w h a t h a p p e n e d t o y o u last t i m e . W h y d o y o u t h i n k i t w i l l b e different n o w ? " T h e j u d g e i s c o n s t a n t l y d i s t o r t i n g reality t o g e t y o u t o pay a t t e n t i o n a n d feel a c e r t a i n way. W h e n y o u a t t e m p t t o s l o w d o w n a n d n o t act rashly, t h e j u d g e will call y o u a w i m p , a sissy, c h i c k e n shit, o r w e a k , i t says y o u are b e i n g lazy o r i r r e s p o n s i b l e b e c a u s e y o u are n o t d o i n g e n o u g h , y o u are l o s i n g c o n t r o l , y o u are g o i n g t o b e left b e h i n d , y o u w o n ' t b e ready, y o u will miss y o u r o n l y o p p o r t u nity, a n d s o o n . T h e j u d g e affects will m o r e t h a n a n y o t h e r q u a l i t y o f y o u r t r u e n a t u r e . I t actively a t t e m p t s t o s e p a r a t e y o u f r o m y o u r g r o u n d i n g i n reality. B y c o n s t a n t l y t e l l i n g y o u t h a t y o u are d e f i c i e n t , w e a k , passive, t i m i d , n e e d y , h e l p l e s s , t h e j u d g e m a k e s y o u b e l i e v e t h a t y o u n e e d i t for s u p p o r t . I f y o u t u r n y o u r b a c k o n it, t h e j u d g e says y o u are r i g i d , c o n t r o l l i n g , t o o i n d e p e n d e n t , o v e r c o n f i d e n t , c o c k y , self-centered, and arrogant; therefore, you need to be cut d o w n to size a n d l e a r n y o u r p l a c e .
.
S t a y i n g i n t o u c h w i t h y o u r p e r s o n a l will t h r e a t e n s t h e j u d g e ' s power. If y o u b e g i n to trust yourself and the e x p e r i e n c e of b e i n g w i t h y o u r o w n t r u t h , t h e n y o u will n o t n e e d t h e s u p p o r t o f t h e j u d g e . A s y o u c u l t i v a t e y o u r s e n s e o f steadfastness i n reality, y o u d e v e l o p t h e p a t i e n c e t o a l l o w t h i n g s t o u n f o l d a n d reveal t h e i r t r u t h t o y o u r a t h e r t h a n a l l o w i n g t h e j u d g e t o i m p o s e its beliefs, p r i o r i ties, a n d values o n y o u r e x p e r i e n c e . T h e personal will w o r k s i n c o n c e r t w i t h awareness b y p r o v i d i n g t h e d e t e r m i n a t i o n t o s e n s e , l o o k , a n d listen. A s y o u r p e r s o n a l will d e v e l o p s , y o u will h a v e m o r e c a p a c i t y n o t t o e n g a g e y o u r j u d g e w h e n i t delivers a f a m i l i a r a t t a c k . H o w w o u l d i t b e s i m p l y t o listen to the j u d g e w i t h o u t r e s p o n s e — t o c o m m i t to d o i n g n o t h i n g but
Persona!
Will
123
following y o u r o w n breathing? It the j u d g e c a n n o t m a k e y o u act or react, it is lost; it has no p o w e r .
PRACTICE: THE SITTING PRACTICE This is a progressive practice to cultivate personal will, t h e capacity s i m p l y t o stay w i t h w h a t i s h a p p e n i n g i n t h e m o m e n t . Step 1.
F i n d a p l a c e in a c r o w d e d , b u s y l o c a t i o n w h e r e y o u c a n sit u n d i s t u r b e d , s u c h as a b e n c h in a s h o p p i n g m a l l , t r a i n s t a t i o n , o r a b u s y d o w n t o w n s t r e e t . Sit c o m f o r t a b l y a n d q u i etly, w i t h o u t
moving
or
speaking
for
at
least
fifteen
minutes, just w a t c h i n g and listening and b e i n g aware of y o u r o w n b o d y . N o t i c e all t h e life a n d e n e r g y t h a t flows a r o u n d y o u a n d t h a t y o u c a n j u s t sit i n t h e m i d s t o f i t a n d d o n o t h i n g . Y o u m a y g e t i n t e r e s t e d i n t h i n g s y o u see o r s n a t c h e s o f c o n v e r s a t i o n y o u o v e r h e a r , b u t y o u r task i s t o keep b r i n g i n g y o u r awareness back to your o w n body, y o u r o w n e x p e r i e n c e o t j u s t sitting. Step 2 .
N o w t r y this p r a c t i c e i n a s e t t i n g o f n a t u r e t h a t has little h u m a n i n t r u s i o n o r activity, p e r h a p s b y t h e o c e a n , i n t h e w o o d s , o r i n a n e a r b y p a r k . N o t i c e h o w different t h e p a c e a n d i n t e n s i t y o f e n e r g y a n d m o v e m e n t are. B e a w a r e o f w h a t pulls y o u r a t t e n t i o n i n this s e t t i n g . C o n t i n u e w i t h t h e i n t e n t i o n o f alwavs c o m i n g b a c k t o s e l f - a w a r e n e s s .
Step 3 .
T r y this s i t t i n g p r a c t i c e i n y o u r o w n h o m e , p e r h a p s y o u r b e d r o o m o r l i v i n g r o o m . D o i t for a t least f i f t e e n m i n u t e s a n d n o t i c e h o w y o u r m i n d i s p u l l e d b y all t h e f a m i l i a r a s s o c i a t i o n s w i t h w h a t y o u see, t h e t h i n g s y o u are r e m i n d e d o f that y o u n e e d to do, the m e m o r i e s stirred by seeing things y o u m a y n o t have n o t i c e d in a w h i l e . T r y to keep y o u r b o d y r e l a x e d a n d q u i e t . T h e r e i s n o t h i n g t o d o d u r i n g this time. Do you find it harder to bring your attention back to t h e simple activity of sitting, b r e a t h i n g , and sensing y o u r s e l f w h e n y o u are i n familiar s u r r o u n d i n g s ?
124
S O UI.
S t e p 4.
WITHOUT
SHAMF
Sit with your eyes closed for fifteen m i n u t e s in a q u i e t p l a c e in y o u r h o m e w h e r e you won't be disturbed. You might w a n t t o t u r n off t h e p h o n e . N o w t h e r e i s n o visual i n p u t o r d i s t r a c t i o n . W h a t i s left i s y o u a n d y o u r o w n m i n d . Y o u b e c o m e faced w i t h t h e countless ways y o u r m i n d wants t o distract y o u from simply sitting a n d b e i n g quiet. A g o o d aid t o k e e p y o u f o c u s e d i s t o f o l l o w y o u r b r e a t h , a n d i f y o u like, y o u c a n also p u t y o u r a w a r e n e s s o n s e n s i n g y o u r a r m s a n d legs. W h e n e v e r y o u find y o u r s e l f i n t h e past o r f u t u r e , i n f a r - o f f p l a c e s , t h i n k i n g o f c o m p l i c a t e d tasks, o r d e a l i n g with your judge, just bring your attention back to your breathing o r y o u r awareness o f b o d y sensation. R e m e m b e r t h a t t h e o n l y t h i n g y o u are d o i n g r i g h t n o w i s sitting.
C o n s c i o u s l y c h o o s i n g t o b e still a n d n o t d o a n y t h i n g o u t w a r d l v (or i n w a r d l y ) i s t h e p r a c t i c e a t t h e h e a r t o f this e x p e r i e n t i a l sitting. S u s t a i n i n g t h e p r a c t i c e will a c t i v a t e y o u r w i l l t o s u p p o r t s i m p l y b e i n g a n d n o t d o i n g . R e m e m b e r , this p r a c t i c e i s n o t d e s i g n e d t o e n c o u r a g e a n y p a r t i c u l a r o u t c o m e o r e x p e r i e n c e — e a s y o r difficult, pleasant or unpleasant.You m a y find it quite delicious and relaxing to stop doing, or y o u may find it very u n c o m f o r t a b l e not to m o v e a r o u n d , adjust y o u r b o d y , o r g e t e n g a g e d w i t h w h a t ' s i n y o u r m i n d or outside you. You m a y be b o r e d , anxious, sleepy or excited. You r
m a y h a v e a n y n u m b e r o f different e x p e r i e n c e s . P e r s o n a l w ill i s t h e s o u r c e o f y o u r ability t o stay c o n n e c t e d t o a n d a w a r e o f w h a t e v e r i s happening in your experience. I t i s v a l u a b l e t o d o s i t t i n g p r a c t i c e m a n y t i m e s , e v e n daily, for i t w i l l s t r e n g t h e n y o u r ability t o b e q u i e t i n s i d e a n d n o t b e s w a y e d by the various kinds of energy you e n c o u n t e r inside a n d outside yourselt.
The
moment
we say "no" to
our experience,
we
are
using false
will. True will is simply letting go of the false will that wants to
take
our
experience somewhere
So when
we are willing to be completely in
we have a better chance of seeing is I
actually want
it
else.
happening. to
be
If we
what
is actually there,
are sayingfNo,
different''that
blocks
the moment,
the
I don't experience
want
what this,
and gives
us less chance of seeing the truth clearly. So when true will is operating, it
enhances our awareness of what is there. It allows
us to have a more complete and full perception. Only when we have this complete perception
can
we truly
understand what is
there. — A. H. Almaas, Diamond Heart Book 2, p. 120
Frank and Sue lay on the bed after m a k i n g love.The process felt i n c o m plete, as was so often the case for t h e m . This time, he lost his erection o n c e he got inside her. She felt r i p p e d off as usual, unable to have her o w n pleasure because of his p r o b l e m . T h e y were b o t h silent.The a t m o s phere was thick and uncomfortable. C
"So what's the p r o b l e m this time, Frank? W h y can't you stay hard?" " W h y can't you s h o w s o m e pleasure in having me inside you? You
always l o o k k i n d of pained, like you wish I was s o m e o n e else!" " O h , so n o w it's my problem? W h o ' s the o n e w h o hasn't w a n t e d to be sexual for three years and conies so quickly I can hardly take a deep breath?" " G o fuck yourself.You m a k e me so m a d ! " Frank rolled over away from Sue and w r a p p e d his arms a r o u n d himself tightly. " N o w , don't clam up on m e , Frank," Sue d e m a n d e d , starting to feel helpless in the face of his withdrawal. She was very familiar with h o w he could isolate himself and h o w frightened and needy it m a d e h e r feel. " W h y don't you go ahead and say whatever you have to say. I ' m tired of you sitting on y o u r anger." She paused, t h e n a d d e d , " L o o k , I promise to just listen and n o t respond." Frank said n o t h i n g for several m i n u t e s , and t h e n he sat up, t o o k a deep breath, and began. "Yeah, well, its true I hate your guts right now. O / b u ' r e always waiting like s o m e vulture to blame y o u r lack of pleasure on m e . You love it w h e n I blow it because t h e n you can gloat and m a k e it all my fauIt.Your real p r o b l e m is you can't give yourself pleasure; you are totally d e p e n d e n t on the m a n coaxing you along t h e w h o l e way. Well, fuck you! I've got e n o u g h deficiency of my o w n w i t h o u t having yours blamed on m e , too. D o n ' t you t h i n k its hard e n o u g h living with*a w i m p y little dick like mine? 1 can't control it. I can't d e p e n d on it or trust it to follow t h r o u g h or stay hard. I don't k n o w what's g o i n g on with it or w h a t it needs. H o w w o u l d you feel m a k i n g love w h e n your m a i n tool m i g h t up and die on you right w h e n you n e e d it most? I feel fucking helpless. Like I ' m castrated, no balls, m i g h t as well go live in a monastery. Suze, it's just so g o d d a m n e d humiliating." Sue reached over and p u t h e r h a n d on his chest, and he burst out crying. W h a t a m o r n i n g ! First he was so spontaneously loving, and n o w this. It was intense to witness all the p e n t - u p rage trapped in his j u d g ments a b o u t her and himself, rage that covered all the h u r t and pain he fought so hard to conceal.
10 BEING
THE
JUDGE
So FAR, WE HAVE been examining j u d g m e n t from the point of view of the one being attacked. This is important because it is from this position that you begin to notice j u d g m e n t and the suffering it causes. But both sides of the j u d g m e n t process exist inside you. A full exploration of j u d g m e n t also requires seeing things from the viewpoint of the one w h o is attacking. This means k n o w i n g yourself as the judge. You may already be aw are of the times w h e n you take on this role: criticizing others and putting yourself d o w n .You may even find that feeling superior to others is a m o r e familiar experience than feeling deficient or u n w o r t h y W h e t h e r familiar or not, with growling self-awareness you will recognize times w h e n you are invested in being judgmental, even w h e n you wish you were not. So an important step in w o r k i n g with the j u d g e is to learn why you feel obliged to play the judge. r
The Judgment
Loop
As we saw in chapter 8, the j u d g m e n t process is actively supported by both the j u d g e and the one judged. Their mutual dependency creates a closed loop of self-judgment.The j u d g e needs the one w h o is j u d g e d and vice versa. If you tend to consider yourself superior to others, you will likely end up in relationships with people w h o lack self-confidence. Should you c o m m o n l y identity with being put d o w n , y o u will feel m o r e comfortable relating to s o m e o n e w h o likes
128
S O U I. W I T H O UT S H A M E
t o c r i t i c i z e , i n e i t h e r case, y o u w i l l u n c o n s c i o u s l y g r a v i t a t e t o w a r d y o u r o p p o s i t e b e c a u s e this r e i n f o r c e s y o u r sense o f w h o y o u are. I n o t h e r w o r d s , y o u f i n d s o m e o n e t o play y o u r h e l p l e s s c h i l d o r y o u r j u d g e in these externalized versions of the j u d g m e n t loop. O n c e you
are i d e n t i f i e d w i t h
either the j u d g e or the
one
j u d g e d , y o u are c a u g h t i n s i d e t h e l o o p . Y o u m u s t stay t h e r e ; o t h e r w i s e , y o u lose t h e s u p p o r t o f t h e o t h e r e n d o f t h e l o o p . I n a r e l a t i o n s h i p , s t e p p i n g o u t o f a c o m p l e m e n t a r y role c a n u p s e t t h e status q u o . I f y o u are M r . S u p e r i o r a n d o n e d a y y o u start f e e l i n g u n w o r t h y y o u r partner, M s . Inferior, m a y get upset and try to b o o s t you b a c k u p t o y o u r familiar lofty self. T h i s i s lite i n s i d e t h e l o o p . Since the j u d g m e n t process goes r o u n d and r o u n d inside the loop, either acting as the j u d g e or acting as the o n e being j u d g e d c a n start t h e p r o c e s s g o i n g . O f t e n , y o u r j u d g e starts t h i n g s b y a t t a c k i n g y o u . B u t t h e m o r e y o u see h o w t h e p r o c e s s a c t u a l l y w o r k s , y o u realize i t c a n start f r o m t h e o t h e r e n d a s w e l l . Y o u can feel " a t t a c k e d " by s o m e o n e w h o is u n d e r attack w h e n that person's behavior tends to pull you into the j u d g m e n t loop. I f y o u are a r o u n d s o m e o n e w h o i s a c t i n g o u t a b s o r b i n g e n g a g e m e n t — f e e l i n g p e r s e c u t e d , helpless, e x t r e m e l y d e p e n d e n t — i t can b e v e r y difficult n o t t o b e c o m e his j u d g e . H e m i g h t say s o m e t h i n g l i k e , " Y o u t h i n k I a m d i s g u s t i n g , d o n ' t y o u ? " T h u s , h e m a k e s y o u his j u d g e a n d t h e n relates t h r o u g h a b s o r b i n g e n g a g e m e n t . Sue's b e h a v ior in t h e e p i s o d e p r e c e d i n g c h a p t e r 16 is a g o o d e x a m p l e of such an interaction. This pattern is c o m m o n in intimate relationships as the t w o p e o p l e u n c o n s c i o u s l y fulfill e x p e c t e d roles. T h e j u d g m e n t l o o p easily b e c o m e s p a r t o f t h e f a m i l i a r d y n a m i c o f t h e r e l a t i o n s h i p , w h e r e it is invoked by either p e r s o n playing either role: j u d g e or j u d g e d . I n t e r n a l l y , this p r o c e s s h a p p e n s in a s i m i l a r b u t less o b v i o u s way. T h e l o o p i s w h a t y o u are i n w h e n y o u are e n g a g e d . T h e c l o s e d n a t u r e o f t h e l o o p m a k e s e n g a g e m e n t feel c o n f i n e d a n d s t u c k : y o u c a n ' t see b e y o n d y o u r e n g a g e m e n t a n d c a n ' t f i n d y o u r g r o u n d i n g . I n fact, w h e n y o u are t r a p p e d i n t h e l o o p , t h e o n l y w a y t o g e t s o m e relief w i t h o u t d i s e n g a g i n g i s t o s w i t c h roles. Y o u c h a n g e from j u d g e d t o j u d g e o r v i c e versa. W h a t d o e s this m e a n ? I t m e a n s y o u b e c o m e t h e o n e w h o feels p o w e r f u l i n s t e a d o f t h e o n e w h o feels p o w e r l e s s . I f y o u h a v e j u s t
Being
the Judge
129
gone through an experience of feeling attacked, perhaps w i t h o u t k n o w i n g it, and the sense of helplessness and shame that arises is difficult to tolerate, it is not u n c o m m o n to find yourself b e c o m i n g critical of others or aggressively ordering t h e m around, be they employees, spouse, children, pets, or objects. In this w ay, you t e m porarily escape your o w n powerlessness at the j u d g e d end of the loop and take on the powerful state of the j u d g e . It doesn't matter if the external situation is different from the one that made you feel j u d g e d (this generally makes it easier to switch roles, in fact), because the j u d g m e n t loop is inside you wherever you go. r
In
Session
In a private session, Jim related a recent experience of seeing h i m self attacking other people harshly. He was in a café one m o r n i n g , feeling good and enjoying the sunshine and coffee smells. As he approached the counter, he caught the eye of s o m e o n e sitting at one of the tables. Immediately, he noticed himself stiffen, contract, w i t h draw inside, and start looking around with a wary eye. He was also aware that his m i n d was busy making derogatory remarks about different people in the c a f é — c o m m e n t s that put each person down. He was very familiar with that kind of inner c o m m e n t a r y but had never before noticed h o w negative it was. Jim was a little disturbed recognizing this, but he was also curious about what was going on. By sensing himself as he waited for his cappuccino, he realized h o w vulnerable he felt being seen by that person. He felt weak and exposed and certain he was b e i n g j u d g e d . T h e vulnerability became intolerable as he saw his own j u d g e in the eyes of everyone in the café and imagined t h e m m o c k i n g him. At that m o m e n t , J i m realized he was seeing his own weakness in t h e m . He k n e w that his automatic way to shut d o w n his feeling of e x p o sure was to b e c o m e the j u d g e and attack others. In the session, he was able to see that, as the j u d g e , he had felt strong and in control rather than exposed and weak, so by b e c o m i n g the judge, he avoided feeling attacked for his vulnerability. As the judge, you feel right, strong, m control, and willing to be aggressive to make yourself heard. You k n o w what is happening and
130
SOUL
WITHOUT
SHAME
w h a t is supposed to h a p p e n . T h i s is a dramatic contrast to h o w you feel w h e n y o u are t h e o n e b e i n g j u d g e d : w e a k , helpless, small, d e f i c i e n t , a n d u n w o r t h y . I t i s n o w o n d e r t h a t a f a v o r i t e e s c a p e r o u t e from s u c h feelings i s t o b e c o m e t h e j u d g e . W h y b e a p r i s o n e r i f y o u c a n b e t h e p r i s o n g u a r d ? O f c o u r s e , this i s t h e e g o p e r s p e c t i v e b a s e d o n t h e c o n d i t i o n i n g t h a t life i s m a d e u p o f c o m p l e m e n t a r y r o l e s — t h a t y o u m u s t b e o n e o r t h e o t h e r a n d t h a t t h e y are m u t u a l l y e x c l u s i v e . T r u e nature is n o t based on division, separation, and exclusion. B e i n g y o u r t r u e n a t u r e e m b r a c e s all q u a l i t i e s a n d all e x p e r i e n c e s . Y o u h a d t o l e a r n a s a c h i l d t o d i v i d e y o u r e x p e r i e n c e i n t o roles a n d r e l a t i o n s h i p s , possibilities a n d l i m i t a t i o n s , i d e a s o f self a n d o t h e r . C h i l d r e n internalize these perspectives t h r o u g h playing games based on o b s e r v i n g h o w p e o p l e relate to each o t h e r : " T o m m y , you Ye g o i n g t o play t h e b a d b o y w h o d i d n ' t d o his h o m e w o r k , a n d I'll b e t h e t e a c h e r w h o gets t o yell a t h i m a n d m a k e h i m s t a n d i n t h e c o r n e r . " T h e y l e a r n t h e roles o f t h e p e r s o n a l i t y p r i s o n . I n this b o o k , w e are e x p l o r i n g t h e p o s s i b i l i t y o f l e a v i n g t h e p r i s o n a l t o g e t h e r . U s u a l l y , w h e n y o u are p l a y i n g o u t t h e j u d g e r o l e w i t h its s t r e n g t h , c o n t r o l , k n o w l e d g e , clarity, a n d r i g h t n e s s , y o u d o n ' t see y o u r s e l f a s j u d g m e n t a l . Y o u feel full o f c o n v i c t i o n a n d feel it's n e c essary t o t a k e this p o s i t i o n , s o y o u feel j u s t i f i e d i n b e h a v i n g a n d t h i n k i n g t h e w a y y o u d o . H o w e v e r , this s e n s e o f c o n v i c t i o n a n d n e c e s s i t y d o e s n o t arise f r o m t h e g r o u n d i n g i n reality o f t h e p e r sonal will b u t from t h e n e e d to avoid the d i s c o m f o r t of b e i n g a t t a c k e d . Y o u k n o w this i s s o w h e n y o u g e t c h a r g e d u p a b o u t y o u r p o s i t i o n , tell s o m e o n e w h a t o u g h t t o h a p p e n , feel r i g h t e o u s a b o u t w h a t you k n o w is true, or c o m m u n i c a t e by attacking people. W h e n y o u feel a t t a c h e d t o h o w t h i n g s u n f o l d a n d d e f e n s i v e a b o u t w h y . y o u k n o w y o u are n o t f e e l i n g t h e ease a n d c l a r i t y o f r e s t i n g i n t h e l a r g e r t r u t h o f reality. I n m o s t cases, b e i n g j u d g m e n t a l o f y o u r s e l f o r of o t h e r s covers up a sense of deficiency, often arising from t h e e x p e r i e n c e o f b e i n g a t t a c k e d . ( F r o m this p o i n t o f v i e w , c o u n t e r a t t a c k i n g c o n s t i t u t e s a shift f r o m b e i n g j u d g e d t o b e i n g t h e j u d g e . ) I t i s difficult t o see y o u r s e l f b e i n g t h e j u d g e a n d n o t r e a c t b y c a l l i n g y o u r s e l f b a d , w r o n g , c r u e l , o r h e a r t l e s s . H o w e v e r , this r e a c t i o n m e a n s y o u are t h e j u d g e j u d g i n g y o u r j u d g e — a n d y o u are still caught in the loop. T h e first step in b r e a k i n g o u t is to be aware of
Being
the Judge
131
the truth without reacting. R e m e m b e r , this j u d g m e n t loop is all in your mind, and some part of your identity is connected to each end. Your deepest or oldest connection is with the one being attacked, the child, but in order to survive, you learned to be like your parents through internalizing the j u d g e that you originally experienced in them.You alternate back and forth and identify with one end of the loop or the other. To continue to deepen your understanding of the j u d g i n g process, just as you looked at engaging the judge, you must consider your experience being thejudge.These are some important questions we will look at: H o w does it feel to be the judge? W h e n do you b e c o m e the judge? Do you show it or hide it? Do you get s o m e thing out of j u d g m e n t ? W h a t motivates the judge?
Recognizing
the Judge
in You
O n e dimension of exploring the j u d g e in yourself is to identify h o w you feel w h e n you are being the judge, just as you did with e x p e riencing j u d g m e n t in chapter 4. On a somatic level, you can recognize w h e n your j u d g e is b e c o m i n g d o m i n a n t by noticing any of the following physical symptoms: • A change in your voice to a higher pitch, faster rate, or louder volume • An increase in the rate and depth of your breathing • An awareness that your heart is racing and beating harder • A sensation of tightness in the muscles of your arms, legs, neck, face, or gut • A feeling of being charged up, ready for intense action • Tension between the shoulder blades • A strong physical sense of needing to discharge energy • A narrowing of your awareness to focus on what you believe deserves criticism Certain attitudes and stances characterize the j u d g e on a cognitive level as well. Any of the following thoughts or feelings tend to indicate a critical frame of mind:
132 •
SOUL
WITHOUT
SHAME
C o n v i c t i o n t h a t t h i n g s are n o t b e i n g d o n e t h e r i g h t w a y a r o u n d you
•
C e r t a i n t y t h a t o t h e r s lack t h e c a p a c i t y o r m o t i v a t i o n t o d o w h a t needs to be done
• D i s t r u s t o f o t h e r s ' m o t i v e s ; d i s a p p o i n t m e n t i n t h e i r failings •
An intense need to hold your ground and defend your territory
•
A s t u b b o r n f o c u s o n m a k i n g a p o i n t o r c o r r e c t i n g details
•
B e l i e f t h a t y o u w i l l h a v e t o d o i t b y yourself, w i t h o u t o t h e r s ' h e l p N e i t h e r o f t h e a b o v e lists i s e x h a u s t i v e . N o r w i l l y o u n e c e s s a r -
ily e x p e r i e n c e b e i n g i d e n t i f i e d w i t h t h e j u d g e i n t h e s e f o r m s . W h a t w a y s are m o s t familiar t o y o u ? W h a t m a k e s i t difficult for y o u t o recognize y o u r identification w i t h the j u d g e ?
Roles
of the Judge
T o r e c o g n i z e y o u r s e l f a s t h e j u d g e , i t i s h e l p f u l t o k n o w different f o r m s t h a t j u d g i n g c a n t a k e . T h e s e are t h e roles i n w h i c h t h e j u d g e hides out, such as conscience, motivator, guard, and mirror. T h e f u n c t i o n s t h e s e roles s e r v e are i m p o r t a n t for y o u r life. U n f o r t u n a t e l y y o u l e a r n e d t h e s e roles b y m o d e l i n g y o u r s e l f after y o u r p a r e n t s o r g u a r d i a n s , a n d i n e v i t a b l y , this m o d e l i n g i n c l u d e d a n e l e m e n t o f sellrejection. So each role is c o l o r e d by t h e j u d g m e n t implicit in the relationship y o u had as a child w i t h y o u r parents. F o r e x a m p l e , w h e n y o u are m a k i n g a m o r a l e v a l u a t i o n o f a n action taken by yourself or another, you find it hard not to j u d g e t h e p e r s o n as well as the action. " T h e r e m u s t be s o m e t h i n g w r o n g w i t h m e t o h a v e d o n e s o m e t h i n g b a d like t h a t . " N o t o n l y t h a t , b u t y o u t e n d to e n c o u r a g e guilt as a f o r m of p u n i s h m e n t for " w r o n g " b e h a v i o r : " H o w will I l e a r n i f I d o n ' t feel g u i l t y ? " Y o u d o n ' t t r u s t that y o u can learn w i t h o u t b e i n g threatened. Your e x p e r i e n c e of conscience is based on m o r a l standards instead of a direct k n o w i n g o f y o u r a c t i o n s a n d t h e i r effects. A n d y o u u s e g u i l t a n d p u n i s h m e n t t o s u p p o r t t h e s e s t a n d a r d s r a t h e r t h a n y o u r o w n l o v e for s u p p o r t ing the truth. Similarly, t o g e t y o u r s e l f t o d o t h i n g s t h a t t a k e effort o r t h a t y o u d o n ' t like t o d o , y o u h a v e l e a r n e d t o m o t i v a t e yourself. P e r h a p s y o u
Being
the Judge
133
d o i t b y o f f e r i n g y o u r s e l f a r e w a r d . O r y o u scare y o u r s e l f b y f o c u s ing on the negative consequences of n o t acting.You may coax, p e r s u a d e , cajole. T h e u n d e r l y i n g a s s u m p t i o n i n all o f t h e s e styles i s t h a t y o u m u s t i n c i t e a d e s i r e for s o m e t h i n g b e t t e r o r a fear o f s o m e t h i n g worse. Either w a y motivation is based on rejecting your present state. T h i s s a m e p a t t e r n o f j u d g m e n t a n d s e l f - r e j e c t i o n i s t h e basis o f o t h e r roles s u c h a s c o u n s e l o r , g u i d e , a u t h o r i t y figure, g u a r d , e v a l ú a tor, a n d m i r r o r . I f y o u are f o c u s e d o n p r o v i d i n g s e l f - a p p r o v a l , d e t e r m i n i n g a p p r o p r i a t e b e h a v i o r , o r g i v i n g y o u r s e l f d i r e c t i o n , y o u are likely t o miss t h e a t t i t u d e o f t h e j u d g e u n d e r l y i n g t h e s e f u n c t i o n s . So o n e step in discovering y o u r o w n activity as the j u d g e is to n o t i c e y o u r a t t i t u d e s a n d a s s u m p t i o n s a s y o u act o u t t h e s e roles i n y o u r life. As y o u allow m o r e awareness of b e i n g t h e j u d g e , it is possible to explore h o w you experience yourself w h e n j u d g i n g and w h y you e x p e r i e n c e yourself in those particular ways.
Judgment
and
Speaking Your Mind
Y o u are i n e v i t a b l y t o r c e d t o c o n f r o n t y o u r o w n j u d g m e n t a l n a t u r e w h e n y o u g i v e f e e d b a c k t o s o m e o n e o r say h o w y o u feel a b o u t another's behavior or actions. O n e of the major barriers to straightf o r w a r d c o m m u n i c a t i o n i s t h e fear o f j u d g m e n t a n d r e j e c t i o n i n e i t h e r g i v i n g o r r e c e i v i n g f e e d b a c k . C a n y o u e x p r e s s s t r o n g feelings about a situation or person w i t h o u t b e i n g j u d g m e n t a l or b e i n g afraid t h a t o t h e r s w i l l see v o u a s j u d g m e n t a l ? F o u r p a r t i c u l a r c o n c e r n s are r e l e v a n t i n this s i t u a t i o n . First, c a n y o u s e p a r a t e y o u r feelings a b o u t t h e o t h e r p e r s o n f r o m y o u r j u d g m e n t s a b o u t t h a t p e r s o n ? T o d o this w o u l d m e a n t h a t i f y o u w e r e h u r t b y w h a t s o m e o n e said, y o u w o u l d stay f o c u s e d o n h o w y o u felt a n d n o t g e t c a u g h t u p i n j u d g i n g t h e p e r s o n a s b a d , m a n i p u l a t i v e , o r u n t r u s t w o r t h y . I f y o u d i d n ' t like a c h o i c e s o m e o n e m a d e , y o u w o u l d j u s t say t h a t a n d n o t t r y t o justify y o u r s e l f by explaining w h y that choice was w r o n g or bad. If y o u believe t h e r e i s a b e t t e r w a y t o d o s o m e t h i n g , y o u say t h a t w i t h o u t c a l l i n g t h e o t h e r p e r s o n a j e r k for n o t a g r e e i n g w i t h y o u . Y o u w i l l d i s c o v e r t h a t all j u d g m e n t s are b a s e d o n a n d f u e l e d b y p e r s o n a l
134
SOUL
WITHOUT
SHAME
feelings. Focus on c o m m u n i c a t i n g the feelings and you will bypass the need for j u d g m e n t . This leads to the second concern. Should you wait until you are sure of not being j u d g m e n t a l before you say something? If you wait until then, you might never say a n y t h i n g — a t least, anything juicy and alive. It is a good practice to b e c o m e m o r e aware of your own judgmental habits, and you can develop skills for minimizing critical c o m m e n t a r y and harsh feedback. Nevertheless, real c o m m u n i cation must be spontaneous and alive; too m u c h planning and carefulness will kill it. At some point, you have to plunge in and learn by doing. T h e best learning comes through being open to feedback from others, not trying to prevent any need for feedback. You will make mistakes, step on toes, and undoubtedly embarrass yourself at times, but these are useful experiences and not reasons to keep your m o u t h shut. W h a t is most important is that you are truly interested in c o m m u n i c a t i o n and learning to be real, not in w i n n i n g or being right. Sometimes, it is not possible to separate your feelings from your j u d g m e n t s , so expressing yourself will include your j u d g m e n t s . So the third concern is: Can you own your j u d g m e n t as you express it? This means being willing to acknowledge your reactivity and e n g a g e m e n t — t h e feeling that something is h o o k i n g you. R e m e m ber, there is n o t h i n g w r o n g with j u d g m e n t ; it is a c o m m o n human capacity and activity You do not have to feel defensive about having judgments (even though you will, and others will want you to be). Everyone has t h e m , lots of t h e m . T h e difficulty in c o m m u n i c a tion and interaction occurs w h e n people don't own their j u d g m e n t and instead act as if they were speaking an objective truth and often believe they are doing so. Obviously, if you do not recognize your own j u d g m e n t , you cannot o w n it. W h e n you realize you are feelingjudgmental about someone—• you are convinced he has screwed up or believe she is w r o n g — t h e most effective first step is to say nothing. J u d g m e n t seldom serves a constructive role in any interaction, unless expressing it exposes hidden feelings. H o w does it affect you to keep it to yourself? Do you fester with it? Do you end up turning it back on yourself? Is it possible to explore in yourself what is driving the j u d g m e n t without
Being
the Judge
135
reinforcing it or adding further j u d g m e n t ? By sitting w i t h y o u r e x p e r i e n c e , y o u m a y b e able t o s e p a r a t e y o u r feelings f r o m y o u r judgment. H o w e v e r , t h e r e are t i m e s w h e n r e v e a l i n g y o u r j u d g m e n t s a n d reactions to the other person seems i m p o r t a n t or perhaps unavoidable. W h e n y o u m u s t s p e a k a n d let t h e o t h e r k n o w w h a t i s g o i n g o n w i t h y o u , i t c a n b e h e l p t u l t o ask t h e o t h e r p e r s o n t o listen a n d n o t respond. At these times of intense feeling a n d j u d g m e n t , express i o n i s m o r e a b o u t r e v e a l i n g y o u a n d y o u r state o f r e a c t i v i t y a n d less a b o u t g i v i n g t h e o t h e r useful i n f o r m a t i o n : " I a m h a v i n g a m a j o r j u d g m e n t t h a t y o u are o u t t o l u n c h o n this o n e , " o r " W h e n y o u say that, I g e t v e r y j u d g m e n t a l a n d c a n ' t h e l p b u t feel y o u ' r e a w e a k , d i s g u s t i n g c r y b a b y ! " F r a m i n g y o u r c o m m e n t s this w a y c a n b r i n g a degree of selt-recognition into y o u r c o m m u n i c a t i o n that allows m o r e s p a c e for real c o n t a c t . T h e o t h e r c a n feel y o u i n y o u r j u d g m e n t rather than just the j u d g m e n t . T h e fourth c o n c e r n is a tricky o n e : H o w can you keep from h u r t i n g t h e o t h e r p e r s o n w i t h y o u r c o m m e n t s ? I n o n e sense, y o u d o n o t h a v e t h e p o w e r t o c o n t r o l w h e t h e r o r n o t s o m e o n e else feels h u r t . T h a t is controlled by the other person's history and developm e n t . O n t h e o t h e r h a n d , t h e m o r e sensitivity y o u h a v e t o t h e p e r son a n d the situation, the m o r e you can be heard a n d m a k e contact with the other through your speaking. Provoking hurt in the other i s n o t a n effective w a y t o c o m m u n i c a t e o r b r i n g a b o u t c h a n g e . A t t a c k s are c e r t a i n l y m o r e likely t o c a u s e p a i n t h a n a d i r e c t e x p r e s s i o n o f feelings, b u t t h e r e i s n o g u a r a n t e e t h a t y o u r feelings ( e v e n w i t h o u t j u d g m e n t ) will n o t w o u n d the other. S o m e t i m e s , e v o k i n g p a i n i s p a r t o f t e l l i n g t h e t r u t h , e v e n w h e n d o n e i n t h e m o s t tactful a n d a t t u n e d way. U l t i m a t e l y a v o i d i n g h u r t c a n n o t b e t h e p r i m a r y concern in honest communication. At the same time, c o m m u n i c a tion w i t h o u t compassion simply w o n ' t w o r k in the long run.
The Power in
the Judge
W e h a v e n o t e d p a r t i c u l a r w a y s y o u feel w h e n y o u are b e i n g t h e j u d g e , s u c h a s aggressive a n d f o c u s e d , r i g h t , s t r o n g , i n c o n t r o l , big a n d powerful, certain a b o u t w h a t y o u know, and capable of
136
SOUL,
WITHOUT
SHAME
influencing others.You might not be conscious of feeling these ways while judging, but chances are your behavior reflects it. However, having these feelings does not necessarily mean you are being j u d g mental. Just as you learned that certain roles imply an attitude of j u d g m e n t , similarly, you have learned that these assertive feelings arise w h e n you are being judgmental. In fact, most people find it difficult to experience aggressive, powerful, self-assured strength w i t h o u t identifying with the judge. In our society (movies, TV, advertising), powerful strength is often associated with harshness, violence, control, and intimidation. Even w h e n it is the good guys w h o are strong, their intent is to defeat the other, impose their will, d e m a n d retribution, and so on. W h e n you were a child, the times you experienced aggressive strength in your parents were most often w h e n they were angry, and often e n o u g h , they were angry at you. Few role m o d els exist in this culture, and probably fewer in your personal life, of positive, powerful strength being used in an open, supportive way that does not put anyone else d o w n . W h a t is the last instance you can remember? Because of this conditioning, expansive, self-assured strength can easily be associated in your mind with intimidation, control, threat, punishment, revenge, and even cruelty and hatred. Internally, this means being the judge, the mean o n e . T h e association will cause you to consider yourself bad, mean, and cruel w h e n you notice you are feeling strong and aggressive around others.This kind of strength will only be acceptable to you if you are fully justified, which u s u ally means responding to evil, correcting an injustice, or protecting s o m e o n e else. T h e painful association of strength with meanness becomes especially clear w h e n feelings of excitement, passion, and expansiveness spontaneously arise in you. At these times, you can be alive and strong as long as you aren't aware of yourself. If you or anyone else notices, self-consciousness takes over, and you react to the strength as bad, shrinking away from the expansive feelings.You prefer to be small, weak, and powerless because you believe that also means being good, sensitive, caring, and lovable. On the other hand, if you don't want to shrink away from your strength, you have to
Being
the judge
137
distance yourself from others you think would j u d g e you or be threatened by you. And what better way to distance yourself than by j u d g i n g others for not understanding you! In this pattern, selfawareness actually seems to u n d e r m i n e your o w n living, expansive strength because of your beliefs associated with it. N o w is your chance to challenge those associations and beliefs. Allow yourself to be aware of the j u d g e in you w i t h o u t reacting. Just see it and hopefully see it in action. It is good to make an effort to stop attacking yourself and others, but what is m o r e important here is to be curious about that part of you. W h a t happens w h e n you b e c o m e the judge? W h y do you act that way? W h a t deeper feelings are motivating that activity in you? T h e j u d g e , as we have seen, is the watchdog over unacceptable feelings. W h y is it so important to keep those feelings down? O n l y by taking the part of the prison guard can you truly understand why you keep some part of you behind bars. To experiment with this, find a private place to explore saying out loud the judgmental things you often hold b a c k . ' 7 k n o w what is w r o n g with you, and I k n o w exactly h o w to fix i t ! " T h e j u d g e part of you generally has to be somewhat covert about expressing itself because you believe "it is not nice" to be openly critical. This c o m m o n l y leads to suppressed anger and frustration fueling the judgmental statements. T h u s , w h e n your j u d g m e n t of the j u d g e is suspended and you allow yourself to be the j u d g e overtly and fully, you will often feel both relief and unfamiliar energy. A great rush of pleasure can arise from this power of j u d g mental authority, as well as pain at recognizing h o w much you want to attack. H o w is it that the power of j u d g i n g can feel good? Is this just because the feelings have been suppressed and revenge is sweet? Is it because wielding power over others is naturally pleasurable? Or is there something inherently enlivening disguised in j u d g m e n t ? If you recognize a sense of rightness in the experience of the judge, it may be you are sensing vour natural vital strength, a real part of you that has been trapped in judgmental behavior. Perhaps one reason you continue to be judgmental is to access that part. Be curious as you explore.
138
SOUL
What
Motivates
WITHOUT
SHA ML
the Judge
M a k i n g s p a c e for y o u r j u d g m e n t a l feelings a n d a t t i t u d e s will n a t u rally o p e n y o u m o r e t o s e e i n g t h e j u d g e ' s p o i n t o f view. I f y o u a c c e p t this v i e w a t face v a l u e , i t will s i m p l y l e a d t o m o r e i n v o l v e m e n t i n the l o o p t h r o u g h attacks, self-rejection, a n d e n g a g e m e n t . H o w e v e r , b e i n g c u r i o u s a b o u t w h a t makes t h e j u d g e tick can lead t o c o n s i d e r i n g w h a t i s useful a b o u t c r i t i c i s m a n d a t t a c k s . W h a t e x a c t l y i s y o u r j u d g e t r y i n g t o say t o y o u ? I t i s p o s s i b l e t o ask y o u r j u d g e this q u e s t i o n . W h e n y o u are n o t r e j e c t i n g y o u r j u d g e , y o u c a n a l l o w i t t o s p e a k t h r o u g h y o u a b o u t w h y i t acts t h e w a y i t d o e s a n d w h y i t treats t h e c h i l d p a r t o f y o u s o harshly. I n fact, i f y o u r j u d g e has s u c h a n o p p o r t u n i t y t o s p e a k w i t h o u t b e i n g i n a t t a c k m o d e , i t c a n offer valuable perceptions and questions to explore and increase y o u r awareness. This kind of exploration
depends on
the
o p e n n e s s o f self-
a c c e p t a n c e a n d t h e s u p p o r t o f y o u r p e r s o n a l will. T h e b i g g e s t fear i n o p e n i n g u p t o t h e j u d g e i s t h a t y o u will d i s c o v e r t h a t y o u are i n fact b a d , selfish, a n d c r u e l . Y o u will find o u t y o u really are hateful a n d u n c a r i n g . C e r t a i n l y , a l l o w i n g t h e j u d g e t o s p e a k its m i n d m a y reveal s u c h feelings, b u t it is also p o s s i b l e t h a t it c a n tell y o u w h y it feels t h a t w a y Y o u always act o u t o f a b e l i e f t h a t w h a t y o u are d o i n g i s t h e b e s t t h i n g t o d o , a n d this i n c l u d e s y o u r b e i n g t h e j u d g e . T h e p r o b l e m i s t h a t y o u h a v e lost t o u c h w i t h t h e j u d g e ' s o r i g i n a l m o t i vation: h o w i t — a n d y o u — c a m e t o believe that b e i n g harshly critical i s t h e m o s t effective c o u r s e o f a c t i o n . R e c o n n e c t i n g w i t h t h e d e e p e r c o n c e r n o f t h e j u d g e lays t h e g r o u n d w o r k for a c c e p t i n g tins c r i t i c a l p a r t o f y o u a n d t h u s for u n d e r s t a n d i n g w h y i t c o n t i n u e s t o o p e r a t e as it d o e s . D e v e l o p i n g a sense of c o m p a s s i o n for t h e j u d g e is a p o w e r f u l e l e m e n t i n t r a n s f o r m i n g t h e j u d g m e n t loop. You n e e d t o k n o w w h a t i t i s a t t e m p t i n g t o d o a n d w h y i t feels i t i s s o i m p o r t a n t . W h a t y o u will f i n d i s t h a t t h e j u d g e d o e s n o t t r u s t t h a t y o u h a v e t h e c a p a c i t y o r r e s o u r c e s t o h a n d l e t h i n g s w i t h o u t its h e l p . I t feels g r e a t p a i n a b o u t the weakness, helplessness, a n d neediness of t h e y o u n g part of y o u . I n p a r t i c u l a r , i t i s c o n v i n c e d t h a t d a n g e r l u r k s i n t h e child's c o n s u m i n g n e e d for l o v e . T h i s i m p a s s i o n e d h u n g e r has always c a u s e d
Being
the Judge
139
p r o b l e m s . A s a result, t h e j u d g e feels a n u r g e n c y t o p r o t e c t , w a r n , restrain, and s u b d u e t h e child. I t i s s t r i k i n g h o w t h e j u d g m e n t l o o p takes o n a radically differe n t q u a l i t y w h e n t h e j u d g e i s able t o e x p r e s s its o w n v u l n e r a b i l i t y — its fear a n d h e l p l e s s n e s s a b o u t t r y i n g t o c a r e for this h o p e l e s s c h i l d w h o never seems t o learn. F r o m t h e j u d g e ' s p o i n t o f view, t h e child p a r t o f y o u has a b s o l u t e l y r e f u s e d t o g r o w u p , r e f u s e d t o s t o p n e e d i n g a n d c o m p l a i n i n g , refused t o l e a r n t o t a k e c a r e o f itself. I t feels t h a t its j o b w i l l n e v e r e n d . I t i s t i r e d a n d feels u n a p p r e c i a t e d for w h a t i t has b e e n d o i n g . U n t i l t h e w h o l e s i t u a t i o n i s a c c e p t e d a n d u n d e r s t o o d , t h e j u d g e has n o c h o i c e b u t t o c a r r y o n d o i n g w h a t i t c a n . A r e y o u a w a r e o f a p a r t o f y o u t h a t feels this w a y ? B e i n g a w a r e o f y o u r s e l f a s t h e j u d g e takes t i m e . I t c a n n o t b e f a k e d . A n d i t c a n n o t b e a l l o w e d u n t i l y o u feel t h a t i t i s safe t o d o so. This means feeling e n o u g h g r o u n d i n g in yourself or s u p p o r t from a t e a c h e r o r t h e r a p i s t t o h o l d y o u r j u d g e . A s w e h a v e s e e n , i t has access t o m o s t o f y o u r aggressive, e x p a n s i v e s t r e n g t h , s o b e f o r e g i v i n g i t r e i n t o s p e a k fully, m a k e s u r e y o u h a v e a g o o d s o l i d a n c h o r . Y o u c a n always b e g i n b y n o t i c i n g t h e j u d g e i n o t h e r s a n d e x p e r i m e n t w i t h b e i n g c u r i o u s a b o u t w h a t y o u see a n d feel. T h e process o f o p e n i n g yourself t o accept a n d hold t h e j u d g e w i t h i n y o u i s a vital s t e p t o w a r d r e c l a i m i n g t h e essential q u a l i t i e s t h a t are i m p r i s o n e d w i t h i n i t . T h e m o s t c e n t r a l o t t h e s e i s t h e i n h e r ent strength and authority to stand on y o u r o w n w i t h o u t the c o n stant p r e s e n c e ot t h e i n t e r n a l i z e d p a r e n t as j u d g e .
POINTS TO P^MEMBER •
O n c e y o u are i d e n t i f i e d w i t h e i t h e r t h e j u d g e o r t h e o n e j u d g e d , y o u are c a u g h t i n s i d e t h e l o o p . S i n c e t h e j u d g m e n t p r o c e s s g o e s r o u n d and r o u n d inside t h e loop, either acting as t h e j u d g e or acti n g a s t h e o n e b e i n g j u d g e d c a n start t h e p r o c e s s g o i n g .
• W h e n y o u are t r a p p e d i n t h e l o o p , t h e o n l y w a y t o g e t s o m e r e l i e f w i t h o u t d i s e n g a g i n g i s t o s w i t c h r o l e s . Y o u c h a n g e from j u d g e d to j u d g e a n d back again. •
I n m o s t cases, b e i n g j u d g m e n t a l o f y o u r s e l f o r o f o t h e r s c o v e r s u p
140
•
•
•
• •
•
SOUL
WITHOUT
SHA ML
a sense of deficiency, often arising from the experience of being attacked. J u d g m e n t hides out in various roles you learned from your parents, such as motivator, conscience, guide, and authority, as a result of the j u d g m e n t implicit in the relationship you had with t h e m as a child. All j u d g m e n t s are based on and fueled by personal feelings. Focus on c o m m u n i c a t i n g the feelings and you will bypass the need for judgment. There is n o t h i n g w r o n g with j u d g m e n t ; it is a c o m m o n h u m a n capacity and activity.You do not have to feel defensive about having j u d g m e n t s . But if you bring a degree ot self-recognition into your c o m m u n i c a t i o n that allows more space for real contact, the other can feel you in your j u d g m e n t rather than just the j u d g ment. Most people find it difficult to experience aggressive, powerful, self-assured strength w i t h o u t identifying with the j u d g e . If you recognize a sense of rightness in the experience of the judge, it may be you are sensing your natural vital strength, a real part of you that has been trapped in j u d g m e n t a l behavior. If your j u d g e has an opportunity to speak w i t h o u t being in attack m o d e , it can offer valuable perceptions and questions to explore and increase your awareness.
EXERCISE: UNCOVERING THE JUDGE'S C O V E R - U P C h o o s e a time w h e n you find yourself looking at someone, or o t h ers in general, in a critical way. Stop and feel yourself. Are you b o t h ered about something? Could your criticism of others be related to a way you are feeling criticized by yourself or others at the m o m e n t ? If you can identify your own feeling, what about that feeling makes you shift into attacking others? In the future, you can use your critical attitude as an indication that your o w n feelings need attending to. This can lead to experiencing yourself more honestly and intimately.
Being
the Judge
141
EXERCISE: UNCOVERING THE JUDGE'S GIFT Consider an incident w h e n you have felt attacked by someone else. After the fact, take some time to sit with what was said to you. First, clarify what the implicit attacking statement was. T h e n see if you can set that aside for the m o m e n t ; that is part of your history. N o w consider what else was being c o m m u n i c a t e d in the attack. C a n you get in touch with any awareness about h o w the other person was feeling, what you did to provoke that person's j u d g e , or something that you are not attending to in yourself that concerns this person? Any of these or other things can support greater awareness and appreciation of yourself, the other person, and the relationship between you.
EXERCISE: LETTING THE JUDGE SPEAK C h o o s e a time w h e n you are aware of a self-attack and take a m o m e n t to clarify the attacking statement, using the " y o u " form and being particularly aware of the tone of voice appropriate to that attack. If you can and are willing, try saying the statement out loud with that tone of voice. R e p e a t it several times and let yourself elaborate on the attack if the j u d g e has m o r e to say. Notice what you feel. T h e focus here is on getting in touch with h o w it feels to be the j u d g e m o r e than on the particular content. If you feel some energy there as you say it, explore w h y you are saying it. H o w does it make you feel to be speaking this way, saying these things?
Frank felt washed clean by the tears. It was definitely a big release to p u t o u t all his j u d g m e n t s of Sue and himself. He couldn't help b u t feel that suppressing that anger was c o n n e c t e d w i t h his i m p o t e n c e . As he sat up and looked at Sue, he could sense h o w m u c h pressure he usually felt u n d e r w h e n m a k i n g love: to be t u r n e d on, to be hard, to get h e r t u r n e d o n , to stay hard, to help her have an orgasm, to enjoy his o w n . It m a d e h i m feel like a little boy being pressured to do it all right so everybody w o u l d be happy. As he explained this feeling to Sue, he could feel himself getting quite indignant about treating himself this way. He felt a desire to stand up for himself and tell those voices to get lost! "I don't need your help, thank you. In fact, if you show y o u r face. I'll shoot y o u ! " T h e t h o u g h t o f d o i n g that made h i m smile. H e pulled out an imaginary pistol and began firing in different directions. He could feel strength and capacity in his belly and a r m s — a w a r m alive ness that m a d e h i m feel he could take care of himself. He didn't need anyone, any voices, any judges teDing h i m w h a t to do. P u t t i n g away the gun. he t u r n e d to Sue and let her have it verbally: " A n d I don't need you to tell n i e h o w I'm supposed to be either. I'm tired of all of my judges, inside and out. I'm going to stand up for myself!" W i t h that, Frank stood up on the bed and let o u t a w h o o p . He pulled Sue up and began dancing with her. She looked surprised, but she j o i n e d right in and they b o u n c e d a r o u n d until they tripped on the blankets and collapsed laughing in a pile. W h i l e he was still breathing hard, the voice in his head started up again. O
Don't you think you're acting a little silly?You haven't changed anything but your mood.Wail until you make love again and then see how much she likes you. Remember, you've still got that wimpy little pecker that won't follow instructions.
Frank clapped his hands loudly together and cried o u t , " B e g o n e , you w o r n - o u t record!" Sue was getting used to these spontaneous outbursts. " W h o are you talking t o ? " "Guess. My friendly, ever-present j u d g e . He doesn't like that I got my life back.Yeah! A n d I got back my passion for y o u . " W i t h that. Frank grabbed h e r and they rolled around amid the sheets and comforter, screaming and giggling.
11 STRENGTH
T H E M O R E YOU EXPLORE y o u r i n n e r e x p e r i e n c e , t h e m o r e y o u feel t h e j u d g e s d o m i n a t i n g s t r e n g t h a n d e n e r g y . W h e n t h e j u d g e is in full force, it is aggressive, s h a r p , p e n e t r a t i n g , i n t e n s e , b i g , a n d i n t i m i d a t i n g . E v e n w h e n i t d o e s n ' t feel l a r g e a n d c o n c e n t r a t e d , t h e j u d g e appears seductive, pervasive, insidious, m a n i p u l a t i n g , and able to t h w a r t any defensive strategy y o u m i g h t a t t e m p t . T h e s e p o w e r ful q u a l i t i e s affect y o u c o m p l e t e l y a p a r t f r o m t h e c o n t e n t o f a n a t t a c k . Y o u feel c o n t r o l l e d , p o w e r l e s s , a n d d e f e a t e d i n t h e face o f them. W h e n y o u r e a l i z e t h a t t h e o r i g i n a l s o u r c e o f this e x p e r i e n c e was y o u r parents, perhaps i n a n a n g r y o r c o n t r o l l i n g m o o d w h e n y o u w e r e v e r y small, t h e d y n a m i c b e c o m e s m o r e u n d e r s t a n d a b l e . W h a t t h e y w e r e s a y i n g d i d n ' t m a t t e r ; t h e y w e r e far b i g g e r a n d s t r o n g e r t h a n y o u . T h o u g h t h e c o n t e n t has b e c o m e m o r e adult a n d sophisticated as you have g r o w n up. the original energetic e x p e r i ence r e m a i n s : " T h e j u d g e is bigger, quicker, and m o r e powerful t h a n
I am." This conditioned experience is o n e of the major barriers to c o n f r o n t i n g t h e j u d g e . A s l o n g a s y o u feel t h a t y o u r j u d g e h a s all y o u r p h y s i c a l a n d e n e r g e t i c f o r c e a t its c o m m a n d — e v e n i f y o u k n o w y o u are i n t h e r i g h t a n d s t o p e n g a g i n g — y o u still b e l i e v e t h a t i t c a n o v e r p o w e r y o u w i t h size a n d e n e r g y a l o n e . A s y o u h a v e s e e n , this i s o n e o f t h e p r i m a r y r e a s o n s y o u c o n t i n u e t o b e c o m e t h e j u d g e : t o access t h a t f e e l i n g o f p o w e r a n d s t r e n g t h .
144
S o u i
Essential
WITHOUT
SHAME
Strength
This brings us to the next quality of y o u r true nature, strength. H o w d o y o u usually d e f i n e s t r e n g t h ? F o r m o s t p e o p l e , i t i s t o r c e , p o w e r , h a r d n e s s , m u s c l e , i n t i m i d a t i o n , i n t e n s i t y , massive e n e r g y . O n a p h y s ical level, s t r e n g t h i s p i c t u r e d i n o u r society' a s a c o n t r a c t e d a r m m u s cle; t e n s e , h a r d , a n d solid. W h e n y o u w a n t t o feel o r a p p e a r s t r o n g , y o u usually t i g h t e n y o u r b o d y t o c r e a t e t h a t sense o f s o l i d i t y a n d h a r d n e s s . T h e p r o b l e m is, this results i n r i g i d i t y , inflexibility, a n d defensiveness. In contrast, if y o u have no feeling of density, tension, o r forcefulness, y o u t e n d t o c o n s i d e r yourself w e a k . F o r m o s t p e o p l e , i t i s difficult t o feel s t r o n g a n d f l u i d , s t r o n g a n d o p e n , o r s t r o n g and vulnerable at the same time. T h e s e qualities can seem n o t just difficult t o e x p e r i e n c e t o g e t h e r b u t m u t u a l l y e x c l u s i v e : " I f I a m v u l n e r a b l e , t h e last t h i n g I a m f e e l i n g i s s t r o n g ! ' ' A s i t h a p p e n s t h o u g h , y o u have learned a b o u t strength from the j u d g e , and it operates w i t h n o t h i n g b u t false s t r e n g t h . T r u e s t r e n g t h i s n o t a b o u t b e i n g massive a n d m u s c u l a r a n d i n t i m i d a t i n g . S t r e n g t h arises o u t o f y o u r v e r y aliveness, t h e d y n a m i c flow of y o u r soul. It is an expression of t h e vitaljuicy, d y n a m i c quality o f b e i n g a l i v i n g , g r o w i n g o r g a n i s m . I t i s t h e sap a n d t h e b l o o d o f y o u r t r u e n a t u r e . I t flows t h r o u g h y o u , feeds y o u , m o v e s y o u , a w a k e n s y o u r vitality, a n d e x p a n d s y o u r h o r i z o n s . R e a l s t r e n g t h gives y o u a sense o f c a p a c i t y m o r e t h a n p o w e r , a sense o f i n i t i a t i v e m o r e t h a n b r u t e f o r c e . Y o u feel y o u c a n d o a n y t h i n g , b u t y o u feel no pressure to
have t o d o a n y t h i n g . I n
c o n t r a s t , false s t r e n g t h
d e m a n d s a c t i o n . O f t e n , p e o p l e feel s t r o n g w h e n t h e y w o r k o u t o r g e t e x c i t e d ; t h e y are c h a r g e d u p a n d full o f e n e r g y . T h i s e n e r g e t i c strength, however, needs an outlet: you have to do s o m e t h i n g to disc h a r g e t h e e n e r g y ; o t h e r w i s e , y o u b e g i n t o feel restless, c o n f i n e d , and irritable. W i t h t r u e s t r e n g t h , y o u feel y o u h a v e t h e c o u r a g e t o o p e n y o u r self u p t o life a n d all its p o s s i b i l i t i e s . Y o u are w i l l i n g t o t a k e risks, b e s e e n , g o for w h a t y o u w a n t . Y o u e x p e r i e n c e y o u r m i n d a s b r i g h t a n d intense and y o u r vision as sharp and clear.There is no hesitation, no hanging back, no ambivalence. W h e n this s t r e n g t h flow's t h r o u g h y o u , it is e x p a n s i v e a n d full
Strength
145
o f life, b u t i t i s also v e r y p r e c i s e a n d a p p r o p r i a t e t o w h a t i s n e e d e d . It c a n be as s t r o n g as a b u l l d o z e r , as h o t a n d f l o w i n g as lava, or as delicate and precise as a needle. No e n e r g y is wasted, and y o u enjoy total flexibility a n d r e s p o n s i v e n e s s . Y o u feel a d i r e c t n e s s in d e a l i n g w i t h y o u r life: s i m p l i c i t y c o m b i n e d w i t h a n o - n o n s e n s e quality. A b o v e all, y o u e x p e r i e n c e a n i m m e d i a c y o f m e e t i n g t h e m o m e n t a s i t is, u n e n c u m b e r e d b y e x p e c t a t i o n s , h o p e s , o r p r e j u d i c e s : " I a m h e r e , p a s s i o n a t e l y alive i n m y life."
Strength
Destroys
False
Beliefs
S t r e n g t h i n y o u r soul serves l i f e — y o u r life. I t p r o t e c t s life, n o t b y e r e c t i n g b a r r i e r s a n d p r e s e r v i n g t h e past t h e w a y t h e j u d g e d o e s b u t b y e l i m i n a t i n g w h a t i s n o t t r u e t o r e a l i t y . T h i s essential q u a l i t y p r o tects life b y s u p p o r t i n g its f l o w , a l l o w i n g t h e n a t u r a l p r o c e s s o f d e s t r u c t i o n a n d c r e a t i o n , d y i n g a n d b e i n g b o r n . Essential s t r e n g t h c a n b e like f i r e — i n t e n s e l y alive y e t always b u r n i n g t h r o u g h w h a t i t touches, c u t t i n g t h r o u g h defensiveness a i m e d at p r o t e c t i n g old beliefs a n d ideas. This particular characteristic of true strength makes it m u c h m o r e p o w e r f u l t h a n t h e false s t r e n g t h o f t h e j u d g e b e c a u s e i t has no positions or attitudes to hold on to and defend. This u n c o m p r o m i s i n g t r u t h f u l n e s s also m a k e s s t r e n g t h m o r e d i s t u r b i n g t o c o n sider a s p a r t o f y o u r o w n e x p e r i e n c e . M u c h o f y o u r u s u a l s e n s e of security, capacity, and
confidence
is
based
on
familiar
and
d e p e n d a b l e beliefs a n d e x p e r i e n c e s . Y o u k n o w h o w t h i n g s w o r k a n d w h a t t o e x p e c t . O p e n i n g u p t o this s p o n t a n e o u s , vital alive ness o f t h e s o u l c a n b e t e r r i f y i n g . Essential s t r e n g t h will n o t a l l o w y o u t o rest i n s i d e t h e c o m f o r t a b l e s t r u c t u r e s o f y o u r f a m i l i a r self. " B u t h o w d o I k n o w , " y o u ask, " t h a t s o m e t h i n g n e w a n d b e t t e r will arise i f I let g o o f m y c h e r i s h e d beliefs? H o w d o I k n o w I will s u r v i v e w i t h o u t t h o s e s t r u c t u r e s ? H o w d o I k n o w t h e j u d g e is n o t r i g h t ? " O n l y w h e n t h e o l d beliefs a b o u t w h a t s u p p o r t s , d i r e c t s , a n d p r o tects y o u r life are g i v e n u p c a n y o u see w h a t i s really t r u e . T h i s i s the very e x p e r i e n c e that strength brings as it cuts t h r o u g h the old a n d familiar: y o u see t h a t y o u are t h e s o u r c e o f life; y o u are full o f
146
SOUL WITHOUT
S H AM L
t h e l i v i n g c a p a c i t y t o b e a n d m o v e a n d f u n c t i o n ; y o u are b o r n e a c h m o m e n t w i t h the juice of the universe flowing through you. A n d y o u d o n ' t n e e d a n y o n e , e s p e c i a l l y a v o i c e i n y o u r h e a d , t o tell y o u w h a t i s real a n d w h a t i s i m p o r t a n t .
What
Remains
of Strength
W h a t has h a p p e n e d t o t h i s i n h e r e n t quality, w i t h its e n e r g e t i c p o t e n c y , life p r o t e c t i o n , a n d vital t r u t h f u l n e s s ? Largely, y o u r t r u e s t r e n g t h has g o n e u n d e r g r o u n d , b e e n s u p p r e s s e d , o r b e c o m e d i s g u i s e d i n m u c h m o r e l i m i t e d f o r m s . L e t s l o o k a t w h a t has s u b s t i t u t e d for essential s t r e n g t h i n y o u r familiar e x p e r i e n c e . T h e q u a l i t y o f vital e n e r g y surfaces a t t i m e s d u r i n g s e x u a l c o n tact a n d in physical activity w h e t h e r sports or m a n u a l labor. In these r e a l m s , t h e v i t a l i t y exists m o s t l y a s a p h y s i c a l e n e r g y r e l a t e d t o b o d ily a c t i v i t y o r e m o t i o n a l c h a r g e . Y o u feel r o b u s t a n d alive a n d e x c i t e d w h e n i n f u s e d w i t h this e n e r g y , b u t i t i s d e p e n d e n t o n t h e c o n d i t i o n o f y o u r b o d y a n d t h e p a r t i c u l a r activity. H e r e , t h e aliveness o f e s s e n tial s t r e n g t h i s r e d u c e d t o a n e n e r g e t i c v i b r a n c y l a c k i n g a d e e p e r i n t e l l i g e n c e o r t r u t h f u l clarity. W h a t o f t h e life p r o t e c t i o n a s p e c t o f s t r e n g t h ? I t has b e e n t a k e n over by the j u d g e . R e m e m b e r , the j u d g e appeared at a time w h e n you n e e d e d an inner voice to help you survive by maintaining a c o n n e c t i o n w i t h y o u r p a r e n t s . S o t h e s o u l s i n s t i n c t u a l survival e n e r g y w a s d i r e c t e d t h r o u g h this i n t e r n a l i z e d p a r e n t a l v o i c e t o w a r d physical a n d e m o t i o n a l p r o t e c t i o n . I n that role, the j u d g e b e c a m e t h e p a r t o f y o u t h a t feels c a p a b l e , s t r o n g , clear, d e c i s i v e , a n d e n e r g e t i c — t h e o n e t h a t k n o w s w h a t i s b e s t for y o u r o w n w e l l - b e i n g . H o w e v e r , this p r o t e c t i o n w a s b a s e d o n l e a r n e d beliefs a b o u t w h a t w a s g o o d for y o u , h o w y o u n e e d e d t o b e , a n d w h a t y o u s h o u l d n ' t d o . S o t h e s t r e n g t h y o u feel b e i n g t h e j u d g e i s i n t h e s e r v i c e o f o l d beliefs a n d i d e a s . Its q u a l i t y i s t e n s e , h a r s h , a n d p u n i t i v e . T h o u g h aggressive a n d m o t i v a t i n g , it is really a false s t r e n g t h . O v e r t i m e , it has lost a n y c o n n e c t i o n t o w h a t i s real a n d t r u e for t h e survival o í y o u r s o u l . I n fact, n o w t h e j u d g e p r o t e c t s a n i m a g e o f y o u b y a t t a c k i n g w h a t i s real i n y o u .
Strength
Anger Versus
147
Strength
W h a t of the capacity for revealing the truth by b u r n i n g through what is false? This is a rare experience and, for many people, only a dream. And yet it is the very nature of strength: being the blood of the soul, it flows from the truth of what is real. W i t h o u t this relation to truth, strength will always be rigid, hollow, and short-lived. If you are like most people, you have lost touch with your potent truthfulness and only taste its fullness w h e n you allow yourself to directly embody your anger (an u n c o m m o n experience in itself). Unrestrained anger is the closest you get to the unapologetic directness of essential strength, for only in anger are you willing to challenge the beliefs and structures that limit your life. W h e n your frustration has built to an intolerable level, some part of you says, " N o m o r e ! " — a n d you let loose, you seethe, you explode. In that fullness of refusing to be limited by the frustrating circumstances, your essential strength is called u p o n to break the constriction and speak your truth. At this m o m e n t , you b e c o m e aligned with your own truth and access the strength to voice it. But anger speaks out of frustration and focuses on the frustrating obstacle. W h e n angry, you are seldom aw are of yourself; you are intent on influencing the situation. Your m i n d is obsessed with the storv of h o w you were wronged, so the strength that is activated seems less important than the need to be heard and felt. r
For this reason, anger is the cork in the bottle of true strength. Anger calls u p o n your vital aliveness and gives you access to its power. At the same time, anger defines itself through resentment and frustration and refuses to let go of its object. So even w h e n you feel strong and powerful after a burst of anger, the tendency is to dwell on your own success and righteousness and not simply experience your juicy, bright fullness. But anger can be a doorway to strength. T h e challenge is to focus on the bodily sensations generated by the anger: feel the energy of the anger itself and don't focus on what you are angry about. If you can let go of needing the story as a support, then you can begin to taste your o w n vital, expanded capacity with its
148
SOUL
WITHOUT
SHAME
clarity a n d c e r t a i n t y — w i t h n o a p o l o g i e s . Y o u w i l l e x p e r i e n c e a sense o f irresistible v i b r a n c y a n d h e a t , a p o t e n c y t h a t c a n ' t b e d e n i e d . T h u s , a n g e r c a n b e a n o p e n i n g i n t o y o u r essential s t r e n g t h , i f i t i s contained and e m b o d i e d w i t h o u t being unconsciously discharged o n o t h e r s o r yourself. B u t this i s w h e r e t h e j u d g e c o m e s i n a n d r e a s o n s w i t h y o u t o s t o p y o u f r o m f e e l i n g y o u r a n g e r . I t w i l l say t h i n g s like, " Y o u h a v e n o j u s t i f i c a t i o n for b e i n g a n g r y ; i t w o n ' t m a k e a n v d i f f e r e n c e , a n d i t s p r o b a b l y y o u r fault a n y w a y . . . . Y o u scare p e o p l e w h e n y o u are a n g r y a n d w i l l p r o b a b l y h u r t s o m e o n e o r d e s t r o y t h i n g s . . . .You g e t o u t o f c o n t r o l a n d m a k e t h i n g s w'orse t h a n b e f o r e . . . . I t i s c r u e l a n d u g l y a n d h e a r t l e s s t o let y o u r a n g e r o u t o n i n n o c e n t p e o p l e ; h o w could you even think of d o i n g such a thing?" Even if you do allow y o u r anger, you may first e x p e r i e n c e it as a f e e l i n g of f r u s t r a t i o n , a s e n s e t h a t y o u r e n e r g y is b l o c k e d or s t u c k . T h i s is t h e a n g e r and the resistance against t h e a n g e r m e e t i n g h e a d o n and k n o t t i n g u p y o u r energy. T h i s h o l d i n g b a c k o f a n g r y feeli n g s i s p a r t i c u l a r l y s t r o n g i n t h e s h o u l d e r s , n e c k , a n d j a w . I f this i s y o u r e x p e r i e n c e , start b y g e t t i n g a s e n s e o f t h e t w o forces o p p o s i n g e a c h o t h e r . Y o u will g e n e r a l l y feel o n e — t h e a n g e r — t h a t w a n t s t o m o v e from inside y o u r b o d y o u t and t h e o t h e r that is w o r k i n g a g a i n s t i t t o h o l d i t i n . W h e n y o u c a n feel t h e s t r u g g l e , b r e a t h e d e e p l y and focus o n allowing t h e e n e r g y o f t h e anger t o m o v e t h r o u g h y o u . D o n ' t force it and d o n ' t m o v e y o u r b o d y ; simply i m a g i n e relaxing t h e surface t e n s i o n that stops t h e e x p a n s i o n from h a p p e n i n g . Y o u m a y b e g i n t o feel r i s i n g h e a t a n d a n i n c r e a s e i n e n e r g y a n d size. A n g e r m a k e s y o u feel b i g g e r i f y o u d o n ' t g e t t r a p p e d i n y o u r a n g r y t h o u g h t s . A n d w h e n y o u g e t b i g g e r a n d fuller, t h e s o u r c e o f f r u s t r a t i o n t e n d s t o dissolve, a n d t h e a n g e r gives w a y t o assertive strength.
Standing
Up for Yours elf
W h e n y o u taste t h e s e n s e o f capacity, f o c u s , a n d initiative i n t r u e strength, you recognize that it removes the internal barriers to acti n g a n d b e i n g effective i n y o u r life, t o e x p a n d i n g a n d g r o w i n g , a n d t o b e i n g i n d e p e n d e n t . T h e j u d g e will quickly attack such a u t o n o m y
Strength
149
as selfish. "If you don't need anyone, w h o will care about you? . . . You'll get too big for your britches. . . . N o b o d y likes s o m e o n e w h o is so full of himself. . . .You sound pretty arrogant to me. . . . Get realistic and realize no one likes a show-off. . . .Wait until the first storm hits and then see how independent you feel." You have a long history of suppressing your true strength, and the j u d g e will remind you of every one of the reasons why you had to cut ofl that energy; Activating this part of you, however, is absolutely essential to making any real headway in disengaging. It is your lifeblood, and it has been totally sucked out of you by the judge.To regain it, you must actively take it back.You need to learn to get righteously indignant about the robbery and tell the j u d g e to back off and shut up. Disengaging from j u d g m e n t can b e c o m e a reality only w h e n you can c o m e from your strength in defending against the j u d g e s attacks. It doesn't matter w h e t h e r it manifests as a blast that wipes the j u d g e out of your mind, a curious child exposing the judge's nakedness, or a clear, solid presence staying focused on what is real and ignoring the rest (as Bob did in the second example in chapter 4). R e m e m b e r , strength engenders responses that are appropriate to what is needed. By using true strength, you will b r i n g the j u d g e down to size. T h e judge's strength is fake, rigid, inflexible, mechanical, and is no match for the strength of vour inherent aliveness. That strength is far beyond the intimidation of the j u d g e . It is like an exploding d e m o n in the service of truth. W h e n you first experience it, this intensity and spontaneous power is often frightening. It may feel destructive and out of control, and the j u d g e will do everything to convince you that it should be avoided. But with practice at allowing your excitement, your aliveness, your passion,your indignation, and your heartfelt courage to stand up for yourself, you will c o m e to trust that true strength supports w h o you truly are and that what it threatens most is the falseness of the j u d g e .
150
SOUL
WITHOUT
SHAME
PRACTICE: CHECKING FOR ALIVENESS W h e n e v e r y o u t h i n k o f it, s t o p w h a t y o u are d o i n g a n d r e m i n d y o u r s e l f t h a t y o u are a l i v i n g o r g a n i s m full o f p u l s a t i n g b l o o d a n d vital e n e r g y . N o t i c e w h e t h e r o r n o t t h a t feels t r u e . T a k e t h r e e d e e p b r e a t h s a n d w i t h e a c h , i m a g i n e y o u are e x h a l i n g w i t h i n t e n s i t y out your eyes. M o v e y o u r s h o u l d e r s a r o u n d a n d s p r e a d y o u r fingers w i d e a n d t h e n m a k e fists. D o this t h r e e t i m e s . D o n ' t w o r r y i f y o u d o n ' t feel s t r e n g t h o r aliveness. O f t e n , w e m u s t start b y f e e l i n g t h e lack o f a q u a l i t y b e f o r e w e c a n feel t h e q u a l i t y itself. S i m p l y a l l o w w h a t ever is there w i t h o u t reaction or j u d g m e n t . Practice awareness and staying w i t h y o u r e x p e r i e n c e .
4^
Every
time
the
individual
superego,
a
and
manifest
can
experienced self. In
certain
succeeds
amount as
defending
of aggressive
anger.
simultaneously
in
with
This the
other words, the anger that
is
why
process
against
energy
is
anger
the
liberated
is frequently
of defending
one-
was directed by the super-
ego toward the ego is now in the possession of the ego, to use for whatever purpose it chooses. person
is engaged in
We have observed that
the process of disengaging from
ego, she is strengthened and endowed
with
more
when a
the super-
energy. Infact,
one is strengthened not only by reownmg one's anger, but also, and
morefundamentally,
Strength,
which
is
by
the
integrating
the
essential
energetic basis of the emotion
aspect
of
of anger.
— A. H. Almaas, The Work on the Superego, p. 6
Frank and Sue were sitting on the back p o r c h , enjoying the late s u m mer m o r n i n g . She was d r i n k i n g h e r coffee, and he had h e r b tea. She c u p p e d h e r hands a r o u n d h e r m u g as she began to speak. "You know, I was t h i n k i n g a b o u t h o w j u d g m e n t a l I felt a b o u t you after we tried to make love earlier. W h e n you were so m a d , you m a d e that c o m m e n t a b o u t h o w I d o n ' t k n o w h o w to pleasure myself. I am really scared about that. I don't feel very g o o d at giving over to pleasure. I constantly complain a b o u t the things that keep me from enjoying myself in food, sex, and relationships, but I t h i n k that complaining just covers my fear a b o u t letting go. A b o u t the only time I really let go is playing tennis; I b e c o m e a different a n i m a l — n o fear, no h o l d i n g back, total involvement. "1 was t h i n k i n g about my family, and I can just hear my m o t h e r saying while I was g r o w i n g u p , ' T o o m u c h fun will just cause trouble,' 'You can't trust y o u r b o d y because you will do things you regret. Trust me,' and 'Life is hard w o r k ; it's n o t supposed to feel good.' I say those same things to myself all the time. "I r e m e m b e r o n c e I started m a k i n g a game o u t of my m a t h h o m e work, and I showed Dad h o w m u c h fun it was to find the right answer. M o m ordered m e t o g o back t o m y desk and b e serious. ' H o m e w o r k is n o t to be played with.' " Sue paused and sipped h e r coffee. Frank sat in the sun w i t h his eyes closed, listening. " D a n c i n g on the b e d naked w i t h you this m o r n i n g b r o u g h t back a m e m o r y I had totally forgotten. O n e time w h e n I was a b o u t six, my aunt and uncle were over for the evening. After dinner, I was dancing around the living r o o m to some Elvis record, having the greatest time. My uncle was enjoying me so m u c h he got up and danced w i t h m e . T h e n it was time for me to have my bath before bed. He volunteered to help because my parents were talking to my aunt. " H e helped me undress and wash myself in the tub. I still r e m e m b e r standing up in the bath while he r u b b e d soap all over my body. I was giggling and laughing, especially w h e n he p u t the bar of soap b e t w e e n my l e g s . T h e n I h a p p e n e d to l o o k up, and there was my m o t h e r standing in the doorway, watching. She asked w h a t all the fun was about, b u t I could tell she was n o t happy. After that, she was always saying to me h o w I had to act ladylike and I shouldn't get t o o excited or happy because s o m e o n e m i g h t misunderstand."
12 WHY
JUDGE?
As YOU TUNE IN to the inner j u d g i n g process, y o u may e x p e r i e n c e the j u d g e as an omnipresent voice, hovering in the background, s p e a k i n g familiar phrases. As y o u n o t i c e w h a t it is telling y o u , y o u r e c o g n i z e t h a t i t i s d r a w i n g f r o m a h u g e r e s e r v o i r o f s t a n d a r d s , ideals, reprimands, and prohibitions that first appeared in childhood. It is easy i n m o s t cases t o s e e t h a t t h e s e j u d g m e n t s are w h a t y o u h e a r d from those a r o u n d y o u as y o u w e r e g r o w i n g up. T h e s e are statem e n t s y o u r p a r e n t s u s e d o f t e n o r o n s i g n i f i c a n t o c c a s i o n s , t h i n g s said t o y o u b y o l d e r siblings o r s c h o o l m a t e s , w a r n i n g s a n d r e p r i m a n d s s p o k e n b y relatives, g u a r d i a n s , o r t e a c h e r s — e v e r y o n e o f t h e m t a i l o r - m a d e t o f i t y o u r specific s i t u a t i o n o r e x p e r i e n c e . I t i s this a r s e nal t h a t y o u r i n t e r n a l j u d g e h a s g a m e d access t o a n d i s u s i n g a s b l a c k m a i l a n d t h r e a t s t o p r e v e n t y o u f r o m l i v i n g a full, j o y o u s , a n d p e a c e f u l life. T h e m o s t s i g n i f i c a n t fact a b o u t all t h e s e j u d g m e n t s a n d s t a n d a r d s p r e s e n t e d t o y o u b y t h e j u d g e , b e s i d e s t h e i r effectiveness i n d i m i n i s h i n g y o u , i s t h a t t h e y are n o t d e r i v e d f r o m o r d i r e c t l y r e l a t e d to
the present m o m e n t . These
admonishments
stem
from p r o -
n o u n c e m e n t s that w e r e relevant t o y o u r f u n c t i o n i n g a n d survival from age o n e to s i x . T h e y w e r e w a r n i n g s a b o u t things you h a d n o t y e t l e a r n e d for yourself, r e p r i m a n d s t o k e e p y o u o u t o f p l a c e s y o u s h o u l d n o t b e , s t a n d a r d s t o h e l p y o u a c t like t h e p e r s o n y o u r p a r e n t s w o u l d b e p r o u d of, t h r e a t s t o s t o p y o u f r o m d o i n g t h i n g s t h a t w o u l d scare o r u p s e t a d u l t s , insults t o m o t i v a t e y o u t o d o t h i n g s y o u d i d n ' t w a n t t o d o , a n d all
m a n n e r of statements to keep your
154
SOUL
WITHOUT
SHA ML
natural aliveness from disturbing the status quo.This was all part of what is called civilizing and socializing a child—developing in the child a conscience and an orientation to living in o u r society. In the process of learning to control your emotions, behavior, and energy, the j u d g e became your conscience, reinforcing the ways you learned to govern yourself to live in the world. These original standards developed w h e n you were a helpless and inexperienced child learning to live in a world run by adults. N o w vou are an adult living your own lite, interacting with other adults, yet you continue to live by those same standards. T h e obvious question is, W h y is the j u d g i n g process so tenaciously effective if it is operating with ammunition that is long out of date? T h e external relevance of the original standards is gone, but the internal relevance remains and keeps you unconsciously believing you need those standards and evaluations in the context of your present concerns. T h e j u d g e uses current words and issues to appear relevant, but its underlying message is the same one you heard w h e n you were very young. D u r i n g that time, you internalized the j u d g e and its standards to keep your parents with you and to give you a sense of protection, safety, and imagined power over yourself and reality. This is the key to understanding the power of the judge.
In
Session
Joanne brought into a session a struggle she had been having with her j u d g e since the previous night at work. She started her shift as a midwife while a labor was in progress. She began her story by saying the birth was quite difficult and she didn't do well; she could have d o n e better. I asked to hear more, wanting to k n o w h o w much of this assessment was accurate and h o w m u c h was an attack. She said the baby was showing signs of stress w h e n she took over, and it was important to get him out as soon as possible, but the dilation of the cervix was proceeding slowly. She was familiar enough with this kind of situation to k n o w it was serious but not dangerous. H o w ever, the nurses helping her were not so knowledgeable and were quite anxious. T h e y felt as if things were in crisis and that Joanne
Why
judge?
155
wasn't doing enough. She, meanwhile, was staying calm and in c o n trol, though obviously not feeling supported by the staff. Finally, one of the nurses convinced her that a doctor must be called. Joanne sent her oft and continued supporting the labor.The baby began to descend and J o a n n e was beginning an episiotomy to help the baby out m o r e quickly just as the doctor arrived. This w o m a n was very aggressive and immediately took the birthing out ofjoanne's hands, continuing to cut the m o t h e r while sayingjoanne wasn't working fast enough. Within two minutes, the baby was out. Joanne had withdrawn into the background and felt somewhat ashamed of herself. It became apparent that Joanne was attacking herself for not being aggressive enough. Clearly, her engagement with the attack was to absorb and accept it as true. My questioning revealed that she, in fact, felt she had been taking appropriate action; the baby was c o m i n g out, and she felt confident that it was not an emergency requiring such aggressiveness on the part of the doctor. In talking about the experience, it became clear that she felt she had done fine but felt unsupported by the slightly hysterical nurses and pushed aside by the doctor. Joanne felt she was not trusted and her k n o w l edge was not appreciated by the staff, but because the doctor took over and produced the baby she attacked herself. This was more familiar and less threatening to her than to feel hurt and angry with the way she was treated by the staft. T h e more she saw that, the clearer it was that this had been her birth, she knew what she was doing, and she would have done fine had it not been taken out of her hands. At this point, I asked Joanne h o w she was feeling. She said that n o w her j u d g e was attacking her for not having realized something so obvious sooner. Seeing that, she was able to tell her j u d g e to leave her alone. I agreed that there was no reason to attack herself for not seeing the truth of the situation sooner, but I was curious as to w h y she hadn't. W h a t got in the way? I asked her to r e m e m b e r exactly what she felt w h e n the doctor came in. J o a n n e recalled that she felt fine w h e n the doctor first arrived and asked a few questions, but she felt pushed aside, ignored, and invisible once the doctor took over. She felt small and helpless, as well.
Soul,
156
WITHOUT
SHAME
I a s k e d if this w a s a familiar f e e l i n g . J o a n n e said, "Yes, Í felt t h a t a lot as a child w i t h my f a t h e r . T h e only t h i n g my father cared a b o u t r
was w ork, a n d the only t h i n g I ever did w i t h h i m was w o r k a r o u n d the house. B u t he was controlling, w a n t e d things d o n e right, a n d w a s v e r y i m p a t i e n t w i t h e v e r y o n e . E a c h t i m e h e w o u l d tell m e t o do something, he almost never showed me how. I w o u l d begin, and h e w o u l d t a k e o v e r a n d finish t h e task. I n e v e r g o t t o finish a n y t h i n g a n d n e v e r g o t t o teel a s i f I c o u l d l e a r n a n y t h i n g m y s e l f o r t r u s t m y o w n capacities to accomplish things." A t t h a t t i m e , i t was t r u e t h a t s h e d i d n ' t k n o w h o w t o d o c e r t a i n things, b u t she was never given t h e c h a n c e to learn. I asked if t h e i n c i d e n t w i t h t h e d o c t o r felt similar, a n d s h e s a i d , " Y e s , i t felt e x a c t l y 1
like t h a t : a ' b i g p e r s o n w h o k n o w s w h a t t o d o s t e p p e d i n , t o o k over, a n d f i n i s h e d s o m e t h i n g for m e , a n d 1 w a s left f e e l i n g t o t a l l y u n s e e n , small, h e l p l e s s , a n d i n c a p a b l e . " H e r e , w e w e r e g e t t i n g a v e r y clear p i c t u r e o f h o w t h e c i r c u m stances of the previous e v e n i n g h a d so powerfully replicated painful e x p e r i e n c e s from J o a n n e ' s c h i l d h o o d . It was n o w obvious w h y she had attacked herself r a t h e r t h a n see the t r u t h o f w h a t was h a p p e n i n g . T h e a t t a c k a b o u t n o t b e i n g aggressive e n o u g h w a s d e s i g n e d t o (1) s u p p r e s s t h e f e e l i n g o f n o s u p p o r t f r o m t h e n u r s e s a n d (2) a v o i d c h a l l e n g i n g t h e b e l i e f s h e l e a r n e d from h e r f a t h e r — t h a t s h e w a s i n c o m p e t e n t . T h e a t t a c k a c c o m p l i s h e d this b y p r o v o k i n g t h e f a m i l iar f e e l i n g of b e i n g small a n d helpless s h e h a d felt as a c h i l d . A f t e r e x p l o r i n g h o w this i n c i d e n t p l a y e d d i r e c t l y i n t o t h a t o l d p a t t e r n w i t h h e r father, I asked J o a n n e to l o o k at t h e ways t h e i n c i d e n t was n o t t h e s a m e even t h o u g h i t h a d e v o k e d that i g n o r e d , rejected child self-image in her. S h e t h o u g h t a few m o m e n t s and t h e n s a i d , " F i r s t , I k n e w w h a t I w a s d o i n g last n i g h t . I w a s n o t i g n o r a n t like I w a s as a c h i l d . S e c o n d , I s a w t h a t t h e d o c t o r w a s n o t a c t i n g like m y f a t h e r ; s h e w a s j u s t d o i n g w h a t s h e felt w a s necessary, and it had nothing to do with me as the midwife." In other words, the d o c t o r was n o t m a k i n g s o m e s t a t e m e n t t o h e r a b o u t h e r c o m p e t e n c e o r l a c k o f it. Last, s h e r e a l i z e d t h a t t h e d o c t o r w a s n o t i n c o n t r o l as h e r father h a d b e e n , n o r was she voiceless as she h a d b e e n w i t h h e r father. S h e c o u l d a c t u a l l y h a v e t o l d t h e d o c t o r s h e w a s
Why
Judge?
157
d o i n g fine i f s h e h a d w a n t e d t o . T h e l a t t e r w o u l d h a v e b e e n a m o r e u n f a m i l i a r a c t i o n , h o w e v e r , t h a n g i v i n g u p a n d f e e l i n g helpless. T h e s e i n s i g h t s h e l p e d J o a n n e t o let g o o f t h e s e n s e o f e x p e r i e n c i n g h e r s e l f a s a c h i l d i n t h i s i n c i d e n t a n d a l l o w e d h e r t o see m o r e of the truth of what had occurred. T h e two attacks—for not being a g g r e s s i v e e n o u g h a n d for n o t r e c o g n i z i n g t h e o b v i o u s — t u r n e d out to be doorways to understanding m u c h more about her exper i e n c e a n d w o u l d u n d o u b t e d l y affect h e r a w a r e n e s s a n d f u n c t i o n ing in the future. A n attack usually directs y o u r a t t e n t i o n o u t w a r d t o w a r d t h e events, o b s t a c l e s , o r b e h a v i o r s y o u are f a c i n g o r are i n v o l v e d in. L i s t e n i n g to the c o n t e n t of the attack, y o u believe that the j u d g m e n t is relev a n t t o w h a t y o u are d o i n g a n d t h a t y o u m u s t listen t o r y o u r o w n g o o d i f y o u are t o b e t h e p e r s o n y o u w a n t t o b e o r live t h e life y o u w a n t t o live. A s l o n g a s y o u r e m a i n f o c u s e d o u t w a r d ( o n o t h e r s , o n t h e e n v i r o n m e n t , o n y o u r behavior, o n y o u r problems), y o u will u n c o n s c i o u s l y c l i n g t o t h a t p a r e n t a l p o w e r a n d t h e sense o f safety i t p r o v i d e d , w h i c h keeps y o u e n g a g e d w i t h t h e attacks a n d a t t h e mercy of the judge. T h e route of disengagement is to look more carefully a t y o u r o w n i n n e r e x p e r i e n c e r a t h e r t h a n a t t e m p t i n g t o alter y o u r external e x p e r i e n c e . T h i s was d e m o n s t r a t e d in the e x a m p l e o f J o a n n e . O n l y i n this w a y will y o u c o m e t o u n d e r s t a n d w h y y o u feel y o u n e e d t h e j u d g e a r o u n d — w h y i t has s u c h a p o w e r f u l p r e s e n c e i n y o u r life.
Living
Out Your
Parents' Desires
A s y o u h a v e r e c o g n i z e d , y o u r j u d g e arose i n t h e e n v i r o n m e n t o t y o u r family, p a r t i c u l a r l y y o u r m o t h e r a n d y o u r father, o r w h o e v e r else m a y h a v e b e e n a r o u n d i f n e i t h e r o f t h e m w a s p r e s e n t . Y o u c o u l d n o t h e l p b u t t a k e t h e i r a c t i o n s a n d w o r d s a s r e p r e s e n t a t i v e o f howlife is, s o y o u i n t e r n a l i z e d t h e i r s t a t e m e n t s a n d a t t i t u d e s a s p a r t o f y o u r i n n e r e n v i r o n m e n t , m o s t n o t a b l y a s t h e j u d g e . B e c a u s e o f this p r o c e s s o f i n t e r n a l i z a t i o n , y o u still live o u t o f y o u r p a r e n t a l e n v i r o n m e n t , a n d i t i s difficult t o s e p a r a t e y o u r s e n s e o f y o u r s e l f from
158
SOUL
WITHOUT
SHAME
your parents and their desires and expectations of you and of t h e m selves. T h e m o r e objective you can b e c o m e about what the situation was w h e n you were growing up, the m o r e clearly and intelligently you can deal with your j u d g e . Often, w h e n a m o t h e r is relating to a child, she is expressing her o w n needs, fears, and expectations about life through that relationship. Furthermore, her action toward the child may lie anywhere on a c o n t i n u u m from simply dealing with her o w n needs to responding to those of the child.Thus, what the child receives in the interaction may be irrelevant for him, partly appropriate to his situation, or exactly what he needs. U n f o r t u nately, the child is unlikely to be able to tell the difference, and t h o u g h he feels the pain of irrelevance or inappropriateness in the parent's behavior, he will inevitably attribute it to his own failing. In other words, the lack of awareness and presence in the parent becomes part of the child's j u d g e . As a child, you could seldom recognize the lack of attunement in your parents, but as an adult, you can. T h e m o r e you are aware of your o w n difficulties in living, working, and relating, the m o r e you can b e c o m e aware of what was missing for you as a child in terms of recognition, support, guidance, or appreciation. Learn as m u c h as you can about h o w your parents thought, felt, and behaved in your family. As you come to recognize what your parents wanted and expected from you, you can compare this to what you yourself needed as a child and assess h o w they did not match up. This will help you understand what you did and didn't get in the way of help and support, and why you responded the way you did. As you do this, you can question your internalized conscience to determine h o w it affects you and w h e t h e r it supports you. C a n you recognize that your j u d g e treats you with the same lack of attunement as your parents did long ago? O n e m e t h o d of continuing this exploration is to look at the larger concerns behind the judge's attacks. Attacks fall into two broad categories; those designed to maintain control over " b a d " or unacceptable parts of the self and those designed to move you toward your ideal of what a good person should be. O n e could say, then, that the j u d g e is always moving you either away from s o m e -
Why
Judge?
159
thing or toward something; it is never content with your being w h e r e y o u are.
Keeping a Lid on the Negative Y o u l e a r n e d e a r l y i n life t h a t c e r t a i n s u b j e c t s w e r e b e s t n o t t a l k e d a b o u t ( s u c h a s d e f e c a t i o n ) o r h a d t o b e carefully d i s g u i s e d (sex, for e x a m p l e ) . T h e s e " u n a c c e p t a b l e " parts
ot your experience
were
aspects o f y o u r n a t u r a l , i n s t i n c t u a l vitality, a n d t h e y t h r e a t e n e d y o u r parents and e n v i r o n m e n t because they were spontaneous, energetic, a n d u n t a m e d . W h i c h specific e x p r e s s i o n s o f y o u r aliveness y o u c a m e t o e x p e r i e n c e a s n o t acceptable o r " b a d " d e p e n d e d o n y o u r family and on y o u r personal history. T h e s e w e r e parts of v o u that y o u c o u l d n ' t just g e t r i d o f a n d p e r h a p s d i d n ' t w a n t t o , b u t t h e y c a u s e d problems, b r o u g h t strong negative reactions, or were considered morally unacceptable. O n e o f t h e m a j o r j o b s o t y o u r j u d g e b e c a m e t h e task o f k e e p i n g a lid o n t h e s e p a r t s . U n l e s s y o u c o n s c i o u s l y b r i n g t h e s e t a b o o p a r t s o u t i n t o t h e l i g h t o f d a y t h e y will t e n d t o b e a m a j o r u n c o n s c i o u s w e a p o n y o u r j u d g e w i l l u s e against y o u . S o o n e r o r later, y o u are b o u n d t o r e c o g n i z e t h a t y o u r aliveness itselt has b e e n i m p r i s o n e d a n d d e a d e n e d o u t o f tear o f r e v e a l i n g t h e b a d n e s s i n y o u . Good a n d bad are t h e m s e l v e s h i g h l y s u s p e c t t e r m s t h a t m u s t b e q u e s t i o n e d w i t h v i g o r . Bad s o m e t i m e s i s u s e d t o refer t o t h i n g s t h a t feel g o o d — p a r t i c u l a r l y p l e a s u r a b l e s e n s a t i o n s a n d t h i n g s t h a t feel g o o d w i t h o u t a r e a s o n o r j u s t i f i c a t i o n . L o o k closely a t w h a t y o u r j u d g e i s s a y i n g w h e n i t b e g i n s c a s t i g a t i n g y o u for s o m e p a r t o f y o u r p r e s e n t e x p e rience it considers bad. W h a t exactly is the badness? Most people consider "negative" emotions to be bad—feelings s u c h a s a n g e r , h a t r e d , j e a l o u s y , envy, g r e e d , h u r t , s a d n e s s , a n d fear. I n g e n e r a l , t h e i r b a d n e s s i s d e t e r m i n e d b y h o w t h e y affect o t h e r s . I f y o u r p a r e n t s d e p l o r e d h a t r e d o r g r e e d , o r i f t h e y h a d difficulty t o l erating y o u r explosive e n e r g y w h e n y o u w e r e a n g r y o r y o u r tears w h e n y o u w e r e sad, y o u l e a r n e d t h a t t h e s e feelings w e r e b a d . T h i s i n e v i t a b l y l e d t o a v o i d i n g , h i d i n g , o r d e n y i n g t h e s e feelings w h e n t h e y a r o s e i n y o u o r l e a r n i n g t o c o n d e m n y o u r s e l f for h a v i n g t h e m . S o m e t i m e s , this e x t e r n a l j u d g m e n t w a s c o m b i n e d w i t h y o u r o w n
160
S ( ) 111.
WITHOUT
SHAML
d i s c o m f o r t a b o u t f e e l i n g e m o t i o n s like h u r t o r fear; i t y o u r p a r e n t s had been compassionate or accepting, it w o u l d have helped you to b e a r t h e f e e l i n g s . Y o u w o u l d h a v e l e a r n e d t h a t s u c h feelings m a y b e painful o r difficult b u t n o t b a d . N o t onlv were certain emotions, behaviors, and actions recogn i z e d by y o u as u n a c c e p t a b l e ; at t i m e s , y o u felt yourself to be u n a c ceptable. T h i s rejection by y o u r parents often related to s o m e t h i n g y o u d i d n ' t u n d e r s t a n d . I n a n effort t o e x p l a i n t h e r e j e c t i o n t o y o u r self, y o u a d o p t e d labels u s e d by o t h e r s s u c h as wrong, bad, weak, unlovable, needy, or helpless. ( S o m e of t h e s e t e r m s r e l a t e m o r e to i n t e r nalizing h o w o t h e r s saw y o u t h a n t o w h a t y o u e x p e r i e n c e d y o u r self. After all, w h a t d o e s w r o n g o r u n l o v a b l e feel like o t h e r t h a n rejected?) I n e a c h o f t h e s e feelings, t h e n e g a t i v e o r u n p l e a s a n t q u a l i t y i s d o m i n a n t b e c a u s e i t r e p r e s e n t s a d i s t i n c t a n d painful e x p e r i e n c e associated w i t h b e i n g rejected, u n w a n t e d , o r i g n o r e d . Y o u c a m e t o believe you were rejected because y o u were weak or needy. T h e r e after, i f a n e x p e r i e n c e b r o u g h t u p w e a k n e s s o r n e e d m e s s , y o u w e r e c e r t a i n r e j e c t i o n w o u l d follow. N o w , t o k e e p y o u f r o m f e e l i n g r e j e c t e d , y o u r j u d g e actively a t t a c k s t h e s e n e g a t i v e feelings a b o u t yourself to stop you from feeling t h e m . At o t h e r times, if you think, feel, o r act i n ways i t finds u n a c c e p t a b l e , t h e j u d g e m a y use t h e s e feelings
(and
the implied
rejection by others)
as blackmail to
t h r e a t e n y o u a n d m a k e y o u s t o p : " I f y o u c o m e o u t a n d say w h a t y o u w a n t , p e o p l e w i l l t h i n k y o u are n e e d y " T h e r e are, h o w e v e r , t w o " n e g a t i v e " e m o t i o n s t h a t a r e s e l d o m c o n d e m n e d b y t h e j u d g e . I n fact, t h e s e t w o feelings, s h a m e a n d guilt, a l m o s t n e v e r arise e x c e p t i n r e s p o n s e t o j u d g m e n t , s o t h e y are p o w erful t o o l s u s e d b y t h e j u d g e t o c o n t r o l y o u r i n n e r life. I n t a c t , t h e j u d g e uses t h e s e feelings t o c o n d e m n t h e u n a c c e p t a b l e p a r t s o f y o u . S h a m e a n d g u i l t are s e c o n d a r y feelings t h a t g e t a t t a c h e d t o m o r e i m m e d i a t e aspects o f y o u r e x p e r i e n c e . T h e n t h e y n e g a t i v e l y affect y o u r r e l a t i o n s h i p t o t h o s e a s p e c t s . I n this way, t h e j u d g e uses s h a m e a n d g u i l t t o u n d e r m i n e s e l f - c o n f i d e n c e , self-love, a n d s e l f - r e s p e c t . F o r i n s t a n c e , i f y o u w e r e t o l d i t i s s h a m e f u l t o h a t e s o m e o n e o r feel e n v i o u s o f a n o t h e r p e r s o n for w h a t h e h a s , s h a m e w i l l b e c o m e a t t a c h e d t o h a t r e d a n d envy. T h e n w h e n y o u find y o u r s e l f h a t i n g
Why
judge}
161
s o m e o n e , o r s o m e o n e else n o t i c e s y o u r envy, t h e s h a m e will b e a b l o w t o y o u r s e l f - e s t e e m . Similarly, i f early o n y o u w e r e m a d e t o feel t h a t s p e a k i n g u p t o r y o u r s e l f w a s i n t e r f e r i n g o r t a k i n g s o m e t h i n g away f r o m s o m e o n e else, y o u m a y find t h a t e v e r y t i m e y o u s p e a k u p i n p u b l i c , y o u feel g u i l t y . T w o o t t h e m o s t familiar g e n e r i c s t a t e m e n t s o f t h e j u d g e are " Y o u s h o u l d b e a s h a m e d o f y o u r s e l f " a n d "It's y o u r o w n fault."
The
Positive
as
Unacceptable
Badness is n o t limited, however, to negative e m o t i o n s or even strong e n e r g e t i c states s u c h a s a g g r e s s i o n , e n t h u s i a s m , s e x u a l a r o u s a l , o r anxiety. W h a t seems u n a c c e p t a b l e m a y be surprising. A c o m m o n e x a m p l e is t h e c h i l d l i k e i n n o c e n c e t h a t is r e v e a l e d in t r u t h f u l n e s s , c u r i o s i t y , o p e n n e s s , a n d t h e d e s i r e t o k n o w . C h i l d r e n are m o r e i n t o u c h w i t h t h e m y s t e r y o f life a n d n o t a s c o n s t r i c t e d b y t h e o r d e r l y boxes i n t o w h i c h adults try to fit i t . T h e child of three or four l e a r n i n g t o n a m e w h a t s h e sees m a y c o n s t a n t l y ask w h a t t h i n g s are o r w h y t h e y are t h e w a y t h e y are; for i n s t a n c e , " W h y i s t h e sky b l u e ? " If the parent is impatient or is u n c o m f o r t a b l e not k n o w i n g the a n s w e r o r gives a t o o - a d u l t a n s w e r , t h e c h i l d m a y feel s h e s h o u l d n ' t h a v e a s k e d . T h e c u r i o u s c h i l d o f five o r six m a y ask a b o u t s u b j e c t s s u c h a s d i v o r c e , d e a t h , G o d , love, h a t e , a n d s e x o r g a n s . I f t h e s e s u b jects provoke anxiety in the parents, the child may c o m e to believe t h e r e w a s s o m e t h i n g w r o n g w i t h a s k i n g q u e s t i o n s a s well a s w i t h t h e s u b j e c t itself. F u r t h e r m o r e , p a r e n t s o f t e n f i n d t h e d i r e c t q u e s t i o n i n g b y a c h i l d v e r y t h r e a t e n i n g b e c a u s e i t m a y e x p o s e secrets o r t a b o o s u b j e c t s t h a t h a v e b e e n carefully a v o i d e d o r p r o t e c t e d b y t h e f a m i l y B e c a u s e o f this, t h e q u a l i t i e s o f c u r i o s i t y a n d t r u t h f u l n e s s can easily b e c o m e p a r t o f t h e p e r c e i v e d b a d n e s s t h a t m u s t b e a v o i d e d . I n o t h e r cases, w h a t i s n o t a c c e p t a b l e m a y b e t h e e m b o d i m e n t o f s o m e " g o o d " q u a l i t y — s u c h a s love o r j o y o r v i t a l i t y — i n t o o energetic or expressive a way tor others to accept. A n y quality that p e o p l e lack o r a b o u t w h i c h t h e y h a v e a m b i v a l e n c e will b e h a r d t o t o l e r a t e i n a p u r e f o r m i n a n o t h e r p e r s o n . C h i l d r e n are v e r y s e n s i tive t o this i n t o l e r a n c e i n t h e i r p a r e n t s a n d easily c o n c l u d e t h a t s o m e t h i n g i s w r o n g w i t h t h e q u a l i t y itself I n t h i s way, t h e j u d g m e n t
162
S o u i.
W I T H o ii T
SHAM E
p r o c e s s m a y s u p p r e s s b a s i c h u m a n e x p e r i e n c e s s o a sense o f a c c e p t ability c a n b e m a i n t a i n e d . A s a n a d u l t , y o u m a y find i t h a r d t o u n d e r stand or accept that y o u j u d g e y o u r o w n positive feelings, such as l o v e a n d j o y . A f t e r all, t h e s e are s u c h g o o d t h i n g s . B u t this i s a c o m m o n f o r m o f self-attack, o n e that y o u r m i n d can m a k e m o r e a c c e p t able b y m a k i n g i t s o u n d r e a s o n a b l e , s u c h as: " T h e p r o b l e m i s n o t t h a t j o y i s u n a c c e p t a b l e ; t h e p r o b l e m i s t h a t i t i s selfish t o b e h a p p y for n o g o o d r e a s o n a n d w h e n lots o f t h i n g s still h a v e t o b e t a k e n care of!"
Feeling
Versus
Expressing
An i m p o r t a n t consideration h e r e is the difference b e t w e e n e x p e r i e n c i n g a n e m o t i o n o r t h o u g h t a n d e x p r e s s i n g it. O n e o f t h e c h a r a c teristics o f e a r l y c h i l d h o o d i s t h a t e x p e r i e n c e s are i m m e d i a t e l y e x p r e s s e d : sadness b r i n g s tears, a n g e r b r i n g s k i c k i n g a n d s c r e a m i n g , j o y b r i n g s smiles a n d d a n c i n g . T h i s i s b o t h d e l i g h t f u l a n d p r o b l e m a t i c . T h e c h i l d has y e t t o l e a r n a n y c o n t r o l o v e r his e m o t i o n a l i m p u l s e s . Part of g r o w i n g up is l e a r n i n g to c o n t r o l s e l f - e x p r e s s i o n — n o t sayi n g e v e r y t h i n g t h a t c o m e s i n t o y o u r m i n d a n d n o t always e x p r e s s i n g y o u r feelings s u c h as dislike, r e v u l s i o n , fear, or d e s i r e b e c a u s e it is n o t a p p r o p r i a t e i n m a n y s i t u a t i o n s . F o r a c h i l d , this i s difficult t o grasp. O f t e n , l e a r n i n g t o s u p p r e s s t h e expression o f a f e e l i n g o r t h o u g h t l e a d s to suppressing t h e feeling or t h o u g h t i t s e l f ' I f 1 s h o u l d n ' t express my a n g e r , t h a t m u s t m e a n m y a n g e r i s b a d , " o r " I f I c a n ' t e x p r e s s it, w h a t ' s t h e p o i n t i n f e e l i n g i t ? " T h i s l a t t e r s u p p r e s s i o n i s w h a t affects y o u m o s t deeply. Your c o n t a c t w i t h y o u r soul n a t u r e is d i m i n i s h e d m u c h m o r e b y b l o c k i n g t h e e x p e r i e n c e o f y o u r t h o u g h t s a n d feelings t h a n it is by b l o c k i n g their expression, because y o u learn to distrust t h e s p o n t a n e o u s m o v e m e n t o f y o u r o w n r e s p o n s e s t o life. A n o t h e r aspect of g r o w i n g up is learning to e x p e r i e n c e the v a l u e o f y o u r o w n e x p e r i e n c e w h e t h e r o r n o t a n y o n e else sees it, r e s p o n d s t o it, o r a p p r o v e s o f it. A child's g r o w t h i s d e p e n d e n t o n interaction w i t h and m i r r o r i n g from parents and the world in g e n eral. E x p r e s s i o n i s i m p o r t a n t b e c a u s e t h e c h i l d n e e d s t o c o m m u n i cate, b e heard, and b e u n d e r s t o o d . F u r t h e r m o r e , d e v e l o p i n g h e r o w n sense o f self d e p e n d s o n h a v i n g h e r feelings r e f l e c t e d b a c k t o h e r s o
Why
Judge?
163
she can learn t o r e c o g n i z e t h e m . Feelings n o t a c k n o w l e d g e d b y o t h ers w i l l n o t b e p e r c e i v e d o r i n t e g r a t e d . So if appropriate interaction and m i r r o r i n g h a p p e n , t h e child will g a i n t h e c o n f i d e n c e t o k n o w a n d a p p r e c i a t e his o w n feelings. T h i s c o n f i d e n c e b e c o m e s t h e f o u n d a t i o n for d e v e l o p i n g a sense o f a u t o n o m y i n w h i c h feelings s u p p o r t s e l f - u n d e r s t a n d i n g a s w e l l a s i n t e r p e r s o n a l c o m m u n i c a t i o n . If, h o w e v e r , e x p r e s s i o n i s t h w a r t e d , t h e child will g r o w up believing that in o r d e r to have m e a n i n g or validity, e m o t i o n s m u s t b e e x p r e s s e d s o t h e y c a n b e s e e n a n d r e f l e c t e d .
The Judge
as
Behavior Police
S o c i e t y actively s u p p o r t s t h e j u d g e ' s j o b o f m a k i n g y o u c o n f o r m t o a p p r o p r i a t e a n d c i v i l i z e d s t a n d a r d s . C h a l l e n g i n g t h e j u d g e i n this area m u s t n o t b e t a k e n t o m e a n g i v i n g y o u r s e l f l i c e n s e t o act i m p u l sively o r a n y w a y y o u w a n t . S u c h b e h a v i o r w i l l a l m o s t c e r t a i n l y r e a c t i v a t e t h e j u d g e i n a b i g way, p o s s i b l y d i s r u p t m a r r i a g e s a n d j o b s , o r e v e n l a n d y o u i n jail! T h e task h e r e i s t o d e v e l o p a n adult's c a p a c ity for f e e l i n g s o m e t h i n g w i t h o u t e x p r e s s i n g it, t h i n k i n g s o m e t h i n g w i t h o u t s a y i n g it, a n d k n o w i n g clearly t h e d i f f e r e n c e . Y o u r j u d g e m a y tell y o u t h e y are t h e s a m e t h i n g — " I f y o u t h i n k it, t h a t i s a s b a d a s d o i n g i t " — b u t t h a t i s left o v e r f r o m t h e e x p e r i e n c e o f t h e c h i l d o r a m o r a l i s t i c s t a n c e still r o o t e d i n t h e p e r s p e c t i v e s o f c h i l d h o o d . Y o u r s u p p r e s s i o n o f feelings i n c l u d e s b o t h t h e j u d g m e n t s y o u i n t e r n a l i z e d a b o u t t h e feelings a n d t h e f r u s t r a t i o n y o u felt a s a c h i l d a b o u t n o t b e i n g a b l e t o e x p r e s s yourself. T h e r e f o r e , a l l o w i n g y o u r s u p p r e s s e d feelings t o s u r f a c e w i l l r e q u i r e m a k i n g s p a c e i n y o u r s e l f t o h e a r t h a t f r u s t r a t e d c h i l d a n d p e r h a p s e v e n s e e k o u t safe p l a c e s i n t h e r a p y o r w i t h a g o o d f r i e n d t o let y o u r s e l f e x p r e s s w h a t has l o n g b e e n h e l d b a c k . C o n s c i o u s e x p r e s s i o n c a n b e i m p o r t a n t for g e t t i n g 7
i n t o u c h w i t h s u p p r e s s e d feelings. H o w e v e r , t h e u l t i m a t e g o a l i s t o d e v e l o p t h e c a p a c i t y s i m p l y t o feel a n d n o t e x p r e s s — a difficult skill. T h e c h i l d i n y o u gets n o satisfaction f r o m s u c h a p r a c t i c e . B u t y o u a s a l i v i n g s o u l c a n r e c o v e r y o u r fullness a n d aliveness t h r o u g h h a v i n g t h e i n n e r s p a c e a n d s t r e n g t h t o a l l o w all p a r t s o f y o u r e x p e r i e n c e , a t t h e s a m e t i m e r e c o g n i z i n g w h a t i s a p p r o p r i a t e for e x p r e s s i o n i n t h e w o r l d . T h e n y o u c a n fire t h e j u d g e f r o m o n e o f its
164
SOUL
WITHOUT
SHAME
major j o b s : that o f policing y o u a n d instructing y o u i n w h a t i s O K a n d w h a t is not.
The Ideal
Self
Y o u n o t o n l y h a d t o s t r u g g l e t o a v o i d p r o s c r i b e d feelings a n d b e h a v i o r s a s a c h i l d , y o u also h a d t o l e a r n w h a t w a s r e q u i r e d f r o m you in o r d e r to be liked a n d accepted. Usually, this related to c e r tain aspects o f y o u t h a t w e r e s e e n a n d a p p r e c i a t e d b y y o u r p a r e n t s (your intelligence, attractiveness, sweetness, cleverness, o b e d i e n c e , d e t e r m i n a t i o n , a n d s o o n ) . T h e s e qualities w e r e t h e n m o l d e d a n d T
o t h e r s a d d e d i n a c c o r d a n c e w ith y o u r p a r e n t s ' desires for h o w y o u s h o u l d b e a n d y o u r e x p e r i e n c e o f w h o t h e y w e r e . T h e result w a s an
ideal b u t d i s t o r t e d s e n s e o f y o u r s e l f o n w h i c h y o u u n c o n -
s c i o u s l y b e c a m e fixed. Y o u h a v e b e e n t r y i n g t o m a t c h t h i s i d e a l ever since, c o n v i n c e d that it is t h e key to y o u r happiness. U n f o r tunately, by constantly c o m p a r i n g yourself to an ideal standard, y o u c o n c l u d e t h a t s e l f - i m p r o v e m e n t i s n e c e s s a r y for s e l f - a c c e p t a n c e . Y o u h a v e c o m e t o b e l i e v e y o u are n o t l e a r n i n g skills a n d b e h a v iors j u s t t o live m o r e effectively b u t t o b e a b e t t e r h u m a n b e i n g s o y o u c a n feel a c c e p t a b l e . Y o u s u b t l y a n d u n c o n s c i o u s l y r e j e c t yourself a l m o s t e v e r y m o m e n t , c e r t a i n y o u are b y y o u r v e r y n a t u r e imperfect and in need of improvement. T h i s i m a g i n e d i d e a l self b e c a m e a n i n t e r n a l i m a g e o f h o w y o u s h o u l d b e s o e v e r y t h i n g w o u l d t u r n o u t all r i g h t a n d y o u c o u l d r e l a x a n d b e l o v e d , a c c e p t e d , a p p r e c i a t e d , a n d t a k e n care of. I t i n c l u d e s p e r s o n a l s t a n d a r d s for a c t i o n , t h o u g h t , feeling, b e h a v i o r , a p p e a r a n c e , a n d a c c o m p l i s h m e n t . T h u s , t h e i d e a l self is a g o a l t h a t o r i e n t s all y o u r a c t i v i t y — t h e d i r e c t i o n y o u r life t a k e s , w h a t n e e d s t o h a p p e n , a n d h o w y o u r e l a t e t o y o u r s e l f . T h e b i g g e s t difficulty w i t h p u r s u i n g y o u r i d e a l s e l f - i m a g e is t h a t it doesn't work. A l t h o u g h s t r i v i n g for t h e i d e a l a s a c h i l d m a y h a v e b r o u g h t y o u p a r e n t a l a p p r o v a l , i t d i d little t o g i v e y o u i n n e r p e a c e ; t h e strain o f c o n s t a n t l y c o m p a r i n g y o u r s e l f t o t h e ideal was e x h a u s t i n g , lonely, a n d a n x i e t y - p r o v o k i n g . N o w , as an a d u l t , w h e n y o u n o l o n g e r live a n d i n t e r a c t p r i m a r i l y w i t h y o u r p a r e n t s , t h e r e i s e v e n less l i k e l i h o o d t h a t y o u w o u l d feel h a p p y , s e c u r e , o r satisfied i t y o u a c h i e v e d y o u r i d e a l sense o f self.
Why
judge?
165
Y o u c a n n e v e r r e a c h a n i d e a l ; i t i s always j u s t b e y o n d t h e h o r i z o n . E v e n i f y o u d o a c h i e v e s o m e e l e m e n t o f it, t h e satisfaction w o n ' t last, s o y o u t e n d t o b e l i e v e y o u d i d n ' t d o i t w e l l e n o u g h o r g e t i t q u i t e r i g h t . M o t i v a t i n g y o u t o w a r d this u n r e a c h a b l e i d e a l i s t h e other major j o b of the judge. It keeps egging you on to reach that p e r f e c t i m a g e , n e v e r l e t t i n g y o u rest o r feel satisfied. E v e n t h o u g h t h e ideal may be w o r t h y and g o o d , at s o m e p o i n t , y o u must q u e s tion h o w g o o d it is w h e n you use it as a w a y of continually rejecti n g y o u r s e l f n o w . C o m p a r e d t o a n i d e a l , y o u w i l l always f i n d y o u r s e l f lacking, deficient, or n o t g o o d e n o u g h in t h e m o m e n t . T h e ideal self i s t h e f o u n d a t i o n for m o s t o f t h e s t a n d a r d s a n d r u l e s by w h i c h you l i v e . T h e j u d g e is the part of you assigned to maintain t h o s e s t a n d a r d s . W h a t y o u s o easily lose s i g h t o f i s t h a t s t a n d a r d s are a p p r o p r i a t e for effective f u n c t i o n i n g i n a c t i o n a n d i n t e r a c t i o n b u t are n o t r e l e v a n t for s e l f - e v a l u a t i o n . F o r t h a t , y o u n e e d c o m p a s s i o n , a w a r e ness, a n d u n d e r s t a n d i n g . U n f o r t u n a t e l y , y o u g r e w u p b e l i e v i n g t h a t s t a n d a r d s a p p l i e d t o e v e r y t h i n g , e s p e c i a l l y yourself. B y b e c o m i n g a w a r e o f t h e s t a n d a r d s y o u h o l d y o u r s e l f t o i n all kinds of situations, you can learn m u c h a b o u t h o w the j u d g e w o r k s o n y o u e v e r y day. S o m e o f t h e s e s t a n d a r d s relate t o h a b i t u a l p a t t e r n s for d o i n g p h y s i c a l tasks. T h o u g h o r i g i n a l l y l e a r n e d for efficient functioning, these patterns have b e c o m e rote actions supporting a f e e l i n g o f safety t h r o u g h f a m i l i a r i t y a n d p r e d i c t a b i l i t y . Y o u c a n h e a r T
this i n t h e w a y t h e j u d g e talks t o y o u a b o u t h o w t o b r u s h y o u r t e e t h , wash dishes, m a k e up t h e b e d , get dressed, a n d so o n . O t h e r stand a r d s a p p e a r i n t h e c o n s t a n t w a t c h f u l n e s s y o u h a v e o v e r yourself i n social s i t u a t i o n s t o m a k e s u r e y o u d o n ' t l o o k f o o l i s h , d o n ' t d o a n y t h i n g i n a p p r o p r i a t e , d o n ' t a t t r a c t a t t e n t i o n , o r d o n ' t say a n y t h i n g s t u p i d . All t h e s e j u d g m e n t s are b a s e d o n s t a n d a r d s y o u h a v e i n t e r n a l i z e d i n r e l a t i o n t o y o u r i d e a l self. S t a n d a r d s affect y o u r social life, e m o t i o n a l expression, intimate relations, w o r k behavior, recreation, personal health, and even your private thoughts. T h e i n f a m o u s should i s a c r i t i c a l t e r m h e r e for p u s h i n g y o u o n t o w a r d i m p o s s i b l e s t a n d a r d s . T h o u g h should c a n b e u s e d t o d e n o t e " w h a t is a p p r o p r i a t e or n e e d e d , " it is m o s t often a t e r m that e x p r e s s e s critical j u d g m e n t , s u c h as, " T h e r e i s s o m e t h i n g w r o n g w i t h y o u i f y o u d o n ' t . " I t i s useful t o see t h r o u g h e a c h " s h o u l d " s t a t e -
166
SOUL,
WITHOUT
SHAME
m e a t t o t h e u n d e r l y i n g n e g a t i v e s t a t e m e n t w i t h i n it. F o r e x a m p l e , " Y o u s h o u l d b e m o r e c a r i n g " h i d e s w i t h i n i t t h e s t a t e m e n t " Y o u are selfish," w h i c h i s t h e a c t u a l a t t a c k . H e r e also y o u see h o w p r o m o t i n g a n i d e a l self c a n p e r f e c t l y m e s h w i t h t h e a t t e m p t t o a v o i d b a d p a r t s o f y o u , b y s e t t i n g s t a n d a r d s t h a t reject a n d d e p l o r e t h o s e p a r t s .
Recognizing What Blinds
and Binds You
T h e j u d g e served t h e survival needs o f the child t h r o u g h these t w o p r i m a r y functions: preventing h e r from acting in ways that w o u l d r
c a u s e r e j e c t i o n a n d e n c o u r a g i n g h e r t o act i n w a y s t h a t w o u l d b r i n g a c c e p t a n c e , l o v e , a n d care. B e c a u s e t h e s e c h o i c e s w e r e p a r t i c u l a r l y r e l a t e d t o y o u r p a r e n t s a n d f a m i l y s i t u a t i o n , t h e y are o b v i o u s l y e i t h e r g o i n g t o s u p p o r t y o u t o c h o o s e s i t u a t i o n s similar t o y o u r f a m i l y l a t e r i n life o r c r e a t e g r e a t t e n s i o n i n y o u w h e n t h e e n v i r o n m e n t d o e s n ' t m a t c h w h a t y o u l e a r n e d t o live w i t h a s a c h i l d . A s l o n g a s y o u are u n c o n s c i o u s o f w h a t y o u h a v e i n t e r n a l i z e d , y o u w i l l b e i n t h e familiar s i t u a t i o n o f b l a m i n g y o u r s e l f o r b l a m i n g t h e e n v i r o n m e n t for n o t p r o d u c i n g t h e results y o u r j u d g e w a n t s . A s y o u r e c o g nize the historical roots of y o u r perspective on yourself a n d y o u r life, y o u b e g i n t o n o t i c e t h a t this o u t l o o k i s n o t a l l o w i n g y o u t o see or respond to the world and yourself in the present. To
begin
to
unravel
the
w e b b i n g that binds y o u
to
self-
j u d g m e n t , y o u n e e d c u r i o s i t y a b o u t h o w this f a s c i n a t i n g l o g i c o f self-perception developed.You need a willingness to w o n d e r about w h a t u n u s u a l t u r n o f e v e n t s c a u s e d y o u t o n e e d t o w a t c h yourself so closely. A n d especially, y o u n e e d a c e r t a i n l i g h t n e s s a n d sense of h u m o r t o k e e p f r o m b e i n g d r a w n i n t o t h e d e a d l y s e r i o u s n e s s o f selfimprovement.
POINTS TO P^EMEMBER •
T h e key to understanding the p o w e r of the j u d g e is k n o w i n g that y o u i n t e r n a l i z e d t h e j u d g e a n d its s t a n d a r d s t o k e e p y o u r p a r e n t s w i t h y o u a n d t o g i v e y o u a s e n s e o f p r o t e c t i o n , safety, a n d i m a g ined p o w e r over yourself and reality
W'hv •
judqe?
167
As long as you remain focused o u t w a r d (on others, on the envir o n m e n t , o n y o u r b e h a v i o r , o n y o u r p r o b l e m s ) , y o u will u n c o n s c i o u s l y c l i n g t o t h a t p a r e n t a l p o w e r a n d t h e s e n s e o f safety i t provided, w h i c h keeps y o u e n g a g e d w i t h t h e attacks a n d at t h e mercy of the judge.
•
T h e r o u t e o f d i s e n g a g e m e n t i s t o l o o k m o r e carefully a t y o u r o w n i n n e r e x p e r i e n c e r a t h e r t h a n a t t e m p t i n g t o alter y o u r external experience.
•
Y o u r j u d g e treats y o u w i t h t h e s a m e lack o f a t t u n e m e n t t h a t y o u r parents did l o n g ago.
•
S h a m e a n d g u i l t a l m o s t n e v e r arise e x c e p t i n r e s p o n s e t o j u d g m e n t , s o t h e y are p o w e r f u l t o o l s u s e d b y t h e j u d g e t o c o n t r o l y o u r i n n e r life.
•
Your contact w i t h y o u r soul nature is d i m i n i s h e d m u c h m o r e by b l o c k i n g t h e e x p e r i e n c e o f y o u r t h o u g h t s a n d feelings t h a n i t i s b y b l o c k i n g t h e i r e x p r e s s i o n , b e c a u s e y o u l e a r n t o distrust t h e s p o n t a n e o u s m o v e m e n t o f y o u r o w n r e s p o n s e s t o life.
•
By constantly c o m p a r i n g yourself to an ideal standard, y o u c o n c l u d e t h a t s e l f - i m p r o v e m e n t i s n e c e s s a r y for s e l f - a c c e p t a n c e .
•
M o t i v a t i n g y o u t o w a r d u n r e a c h a b l e ideals i s t h e o t h e r m a j o r j o b of the j u d g e . It keeps e g g i n g you on to reach that perfect image, n e v e r l e t t i n g y o u rest o r feel satisfied.
•
W h a t y o u s o easily lose s i g h t o f i s t h a t s t a n d a r d s are a p p r o p r i a t e for effective f u n c t i o n i n g i n a c t i o n a n d i n t e r a c t i o n b u t are n o t r e l e v a n t for s e l f - e v a l u a t i o n .
•
A s l o n g a s v o u are u n c o n s c i o u s o f w h a t y o u h a v e i n t e r n a l i z e d , y o u will b e i n t h e familiar s i t u a t i o n o f b l a m i n g y o u r s e l f o r b l a m i n g t h e e n v i r o n m e n t for n o t p r o d u c i n g t h e results y o u r j u d g e wants.
EXERCISE: SEEING H O W Y O U ARE Y O U R PARENTS' CHILD T a k e s o m e t i m e t o w r i t e a b o u t w h a t y o u r p a r e n t s w a n t e d for y o u a n d from v o u . W h o d i d t h e y w a n t y o u t o b e a n d w h y ? H o w d i d t h e y c o m m u n i c a t e t h a t , a n d h o w d i d i t affect y o u ? A r e y o u l i v i n g o u t
168
SOUL
WITHOUT
SHAME
t h e i r d r e a m s , t r y i n g t o a c c o m p l i s h w h a t t h e y failed at, r e b e l l i n g a g a i n s t w h a t w a s s o i m p o r t a n t for t h e m ? H o w are y o u y o u r p a r e n t s ' child?
EXERCISE: NOTICING W H A T Y O U R PARENTS TAUGHT Y O U R JUDGE E x p l o r e t h e w a y s i n w h i c h y o u r j u d g e acts like y o u r m o t h e r a n d y o u r f a t h e r . H o w d o e s t h e w a y y o u r e l a t e t o y o u r s e l f reflect h o w they related to you?
EXERCISE: MAKING R O O M FOR WHAT'S EXCLUDED M a k e a list o f p a r t s o f y o u t h a t y o u feel m u s t b e k e p t h i d d e n , n o t spoken about, or n o t given any attention. This may include e m o t i o n s like h a t r e d , selfishness, o r j e a l o u s y ; b e h a v i o r s like f a r t i n g o r m a s t u r b a t i o n ; fantasies like k i l l i n g y o u r p a r t n e r o r v o t i n g L i b e r t a r i a n ; p a r t s o f y o u r b o d y like t h e p e n i s o r c l i t o r i s ; o r o t h e r p a r t s o f y o u s u c h a s y o u r s o u l , y o u r aliveness, o r y o u r c u r i o s i t y . B e a w a r e o f a n y p a r t s t h a t y o u m a y n o t w a n t t o k n o w a b o u t yourself. H o w i s i t to w r i t e these things d o w n and consider t h e m as part of you?
EXERCISE: QUESTIONING SELF-IMPROVEMENT M a k e a list o f all t h e w a y s y o u are i n v o l v e d i n s e l f - i m p r o v e m e n t , i n c l u d i n g d i e t s , e x e r c i s e p r o g r a m s , r e a d i n g , s t u d y i n g , classes, w o r k s h o p s , e v e n m e d i t a t i o n o r o t h e r s p i r i t u a l p r a c t i c e s . H o w m u c h are t h e s e activities b a s e d o n a n effort t o m a k e y o u r s e l f b e t t e r ? W h a t s t a n d a r d s d o y o u u s e t o d e t e r m i n e i f y o u are g e t t i n g b e t t e r ?
The egofunctions through emotional dependency, and you call it love. Even when you are by yourself, not married or in a relationship, or in a group,you are still relating to your mother— the mother inside you. You relate to your superego, and your superego is always beating you up. Why is your superego beating you up? Because it makes you feel that your mother is around. When you were a child your mother was always judging you. So every time you feel like a little kid,your internal mother comes and beats you up. Then you feel secure. You might complain, but you feel secure. ~ A. H. Almaas, Diamond Heart Book 1, p. 18S
Sue looked at Frank, and he looked different. He had surprised her so m a n y times this m o r n i n g , and n o w this m e m o r y had c o m e back to her that c o n n e c t e d to so many things in h e r life."You know, Frank, I always w a n t e d to be a dancer. I realize n o w that, after that incident, I felt t o o inhibited by my mother's fear." Sue d r o p p e d into silence as she t u r n e d her thoughts to h o w this same incident had affeeted h e r sexuality. T h e r e she was, enjoying the pleasurable sensation in her genitals w i t h o u t any t h o u g h t of "sex." She was m u c h t o o y o u n g . H e r child's m i n d couldn't understand w h a t was w r o n g a b o u t it, but her mother's look had m a d e it very clear that it was w r o n g . It had b e e n impossible for her to separate pleasure in her genitals from the feeling of wrongness. She had never b e e n able to figure o u t w h a t was w r o n g : Was it s o m e o n e giving h e r pleasure, giving it the w r o n g way? Was it enjoying herself? Was it being happy w i t h h e r genitals? D a n c i n g t o o m u c h ? A man liking her t o o m u c h ? W h a t was it? Finally, s o m e t h i n g inside her started to relax as she u n d e r s t o o d w h e r e the feeling ot wrongness m i g h t have originated. Sue felt o p e n and light in her heart for the first time all m o r n i n g . T h e n , as she sipped her coffee, she noticed she was feeling very c u r i ous. "You know, Frank, I am amazed at that m e m o r y and what I've u n d e r s t o o d from it, b u t I ' m m o r e amazed at this w h o l e m o r n i n g . W h a t has b e e n happening? I don't understand w h a t is going on." O
What are you doing talking like this? There's nothing going on, and asking about it will only cause trouble. Looking for hidden meaning is opening a can of worms!
" T h e r e goes my j u d g e . At this m o m e n t , it sounds like a w i n d u p toy with my mother's voice. N o w y o u — y o u seem the same but also like s o m e o n e I have never seen before. I feel a little of that toward myself. I love w h a t is happening, and t h o u g h it doesn't make sense to m e , it doesn't matter in the usual way. I don't care if it makes sense, and yet I feel very curious about w h a t is really h a p p e n i n g . •. T h e n again, a little voice says I must be crazy." Frank sipped his tea and smiled a mischievous g r i n . T h e n he spoke in a deep, authoritarian voice:"Yes, Susan, you are definitely crazy. Sexuality is a very big deal, and you just recovered a m e m o r y of serious incestuous abuse. We n e e d to find you a survivors g r o u p immediately. You obviously have i m p o r t a n t w o r k to do on this issue. This lightness you are feeling is a sign of a serious problem, clearly some kind of n e u rotic defense against hidden sadomasochistic tendencies." T h e y both burst o u t laughing.
13 JOY
AND
CURIOSITY 0
O N E FUNDAMENTAL QUALITY I N h u m a n n a t u r e t h a t c a n n o t exist a r o u n d t h e j u d g e i s j o y . Y o u c a n r e c o g n i z e this b y n o t i c i n g h o w n a t u r a l l y j o y arises i n c h i l d r e n — a n d h o w u n u s u a l i t i s i n a d u l t s , i t i s the quintessential quality of a h a p p y c h i l d h o o d . Joy is at t h e heart o f play, f r e e d o m , l i g h t n e s s , s p o n t a n e i t y , a n d f u n . T h e s e q u a l i t i e s a r e associated w i t h a t i m e w h e n vou h a d no responsibility, a n d y o u believe y o u had to give t h e m up in o r d e r to b e c o m e g r o w n up. M e a n w h i l e , y o u r h e a r t l o n g s t o feel a s l i g h t a n d free a s i t n a t u r a l l y felt a t a n early a g e . O n e o f t h e g r e a t e s t s a d n e s s e s y o u r h e a r t h o l d s i s t h e loss o f t h a t j o y f u l e x p e r i e n c e o f life. A s y o u travel t h e p a t h o f confronting and investigating your judge, an i m p o r t a n t challenge is t o r e c o v e r y o u r h e a r t ' s d e l i g h t i n t h e w o n d e r o f life a n d o f y o u r s e l f . L i g h t h e a r t e d , r a d i a n t h a p p i n e s s c a n o n l y m a n i f e s t itself i n a n i n t e r n a l e n v i r o n m e n t free o f r e s t r a i n t . T o b e j o y f u l m e a n s t o let y o u r h e a r t g o , let i t b l o s s o m a n d r a d i a t e . I t m e a n s y o u a r e n o t j u s t satisf i e d , c o n t e n t , O K , acceptable: y o u are t r a n s f o r m e d , o v e r c o m e , b y t h e m a g i c o f y o u r h e a r t s d e l i g h t . Y o u a r e s o full o f p l e a s u r e a t w h a t y o u feel a n d w h a t y o u a r e e x p e r i e n c i n g t h a t y o u are o v e r f l o w i n g a n d g l o w i n g , d a n c i n g and singing. Joy is such a p r o f o u n d l y heartfelt quality that it can never be u n d e r s t o o d by the rational m i n d . T h e p r a c t i c a l p a r t o f y o u f i n d s i t silly, l i g h t - h e a d e d , a n d d e f e n s e l e s s . I f j o y is allowed, it completely u n d o e s the m i n d ; it bursts forth w i t h such radiant sweetness a n d e n e r g y that no reason can explain it a n d no r u l e s c a n c o n t a i n it. J o y is closely linked to desire. You desire w h a t you take j o y i n ,
172
SOUL
WITHOUT
SHAME
a n d t h e h e a r t i s f i l l e d w i t h j o y w h e n i t r e c e i v e s w h a t i t desires. F o r this r e a s o n , y o u h a v e g r o w n u p b e l i e v i n g t h a t j o y i s a r e s u l t o f g e t t i n g w h a t y o u w a n t . T h e r e i s s o m e t r u t h i n this belief. W h e n y o u f i r s t r e c e i v e s o m e t h i n g y o u t r u l y d e s i r e — b e i t a n e w car, a n e l e g a n t dress, a g o u r m e t m e a l , a n i g h t w i t h y o u r lover, o r a d e e p i n s i g h t — y o u r heart is naturally overjoyed. For a m o m e n t , y o u have c o m e closer to w h a t delights y o u r heart. T h e j o y , h o w e v e r , d o e s n o t last. Its v e r y n a t u r e s e e m s t o b e i m p e r m a n e n c e . W i t h i n days, h o u r s , o r e v e n m i n u t e s , y o u r h e a r t i s n o l o n g e r c o n t e n t . A n d s o d e s i r e leads y o u o n i n s e a r c h o t t h e f o o d t h a t y o u h o p e will f e e d y o u r h u n g r y h e a r t . O n l y after m u c h s e a r c h i n g a n d m a n y d i s a p p o i n t m e n t s d o y o u b e g i n t o realize t h a t t h e h e a r t ' s o w n f r e e d o m i s w h a t gives i t j o y . E a c h o b j e c t o f d e s i r e w a s s i m p l y s o m e t h i n g t h a t a t t h e t i m e s e e m e d n e c e s s a r y for t h e h e a r t t o m o v e f r e e l y — b u t y o u m i s t o o k i t for t h e s o u r c e o f j o y i t s e l f . T h i s i s w h y y o u always k n o w t h a t e v e n t s a n d s i t u a t i o n s , p e o p l e a n d p l a c e s do n o t cause joy. At best, t h e y r e m o v e a b a r r i e r to joy's arising. T h e t r u e s o u r c e o f j o y i s t h e h e a r t ' s k n o w i n g a n d b e i n g itself w i t h o u t restraint. T o t a l l y a n t i t h e t i c a l t o t h e state o f h a p p i n e s s a n d j o y are t h e s e r i ous a n d cautionary, restrictive and t h r e a t e n i n g qualities of t h e j u d g e , w h i c h p e r m e a t e y o u r life w i t h w o r r y a n d fear. T h e j u d g e exists i n a world of b o u n d a r i e s and standards.Things must measure up. S p o n taneity is n o t allowed."Ifyou cannot maintain control over the envir o n m e n t a n d o t h e r p e o p l e , y o u m u s t a t least always c o n t r o l yourself. O t h e i w i s e , b a d t h i n g s w i l l h a p p e n , t h e least o f w h i c h i s b e i n g i n a p p r o p r i a t e a n d l o o k i n g silly, t h e w o r s t o f w h i c h i s d o i n g s o m e t h i n g disrespectful, d a n g e r o u s , a n d selfish."The j u d g e is i n t e n t on separati n g r i g h t f r o m w r o n g , g o o d f r o m b a d , a n d useful f r o m f r i v o l o u s — a n d j o y is t h e e p i t o m e of w h a t is frivolous a n d useless.To t h e j u d g e , j o y may be g o o d , but only if there's a g o o d reason, and it is right o n l y i t y o u d e s e r v e it. M o s t o f t h e t i m e , j o y j u s t causes p r o b l e m s b e c a u s e o f its i r r a t i o n a l i t y , i r r e v e r e n c e , a n d u n c o n t r o l l a b i l i t y . A s far as the j u d g e is c o n c e r n e d , b e i n g joyful is seldom warranted and g e n erally o v e r d o n e e v e n t h e n . " Y o u g e t a l o n g f i n e i n life w i t h o u t it, s o b e t t e r to avoid t h e feeling altogether." J o y i s a m o v e m e n t o f t h e h e a r t , easy a n d playful, full o f l o v e a n d
Joy and Curiosity
173
delight. T h e heart moves toward things n o t because it needs t h e m b u t b e c a u s e i t loves t h e m . I t i s h a p p y a n d e n c h a n t e d a n d r a d i a t e s t h a t f e e l i n g t o o t h e r s . " L o o k w h a t a m a z i n g t h i n g s t h e r e are t o s e e a n d a p p r e c i a t e ! " F o r t h e l i g h t h e a r t e d , t h e w o r l d i s full o f w o n d e r and
fascination, w i t h
endless
discoveries
waiting around
every
corner.
Joy
Brings
Curiosity
A joyful loving of the w o r l d naturally b r i n g s a heartfelt desire to k n o w t h e w o r l d . F r o m j o y arises c u r i o s i t y . C u r i o s i t y i s t h e o p e n h e a r t e d f a s c i n a t i o n w i t h life, l o v e e x p r e s s e d a s a d e s i r e t o k n o w life i n t i m a t e l y : t o e x a m i n e it, listen t o it, w a t c h it, taste it, t a k e i t a p a r t , a n d s w a l l o w i t . Y o u see t h i s q u a l i t y o f c u r i o s i t y i n a c h i l d a s s h e takes g r e a t d e l i g h t i n e a c h e n c o u n t e r w i t h h e r w o r l d . S h e has n o g o a l i n m i n d b u t to k n o w w h a t she c o m e s in c o n t a c t w i t h . T h i s is a w o n drous m o v e m e n t of the heart with the m i n d going along as support. In contrast, m o s t l e a r n i n g in school a n d as an adult is a g o a l o r i e n t e d m i n d g a m e that completely excludes the heart.You learn i n o r d e r t o f u n c t i o n a n d i m p r o v e , m a k e m o n e y a n d b e efficient, a v o i d p a i n a n d s u f f e r i n g , o r find o u t h o w t o g e t w h a t y o u w a n t . T h e r e i s little d e s i r e t o k n o w j u s t for t h e sake o f k n o w i n g , t o d i s c o v e r t h e t r u t h for its o w n sake. L e a r n i n g o f t e n feels like a b u r d e n o r a c h o r e , s o m e t h i n g t h a t i s g o o d for y o u . C u r i o u s l e a r n i n g a s a n e x p r e s s i o n o f l o v i n g life has b e e n lost. A s w i t h j o y , t h e j u d g e has b e e n i n s t r u m e n t a l i n s u p p r e s s i n g y o u r n a t u r a l playful c u r i o s i t y . " C u r i o s i t y g e t s y o u i n t o t r o u b l e b y s t i c k ing y o u r nose i n t o places y o u d o n ' t b e l o n g . . . .You'll never learn w h a t y o u n e e d t o i f y o u j u s t f o l l o w y o u r h e a r t . L o o k a t all t h e h e a r t a c h e y o u ' v e suffered i n t h e past. . . . T h i n k a b o u t i t . Y o u c a n ' t T
t r u s t y o u r h e a r t t o k n o w w h a t it's d o i n g . . . . Y o u ' v e g o t t o g e t s e r i o u s ; after all, it's y o u r life, n o t s o m e g a m e . . . . I f y o u o n l y d i d t h i n g s because you loved t h e m , learned things because you were curious, y o u ' d still b e p l a y i n g a r o u n d i n t h e s a n d b o x . . . . G r o w u p a n d s t o p a c t i n g like a k i d ! " T h e presence of the j u d g e continually undermines your capacity for o p e n a n d l i g h t h e a r t e d e x p l o r a t i o n . I t r e s t r i c t s t h e easy f l o w
174
SOUL
WITHOUT
SHAME
of the heart, and the heart is the source of the natural m o v e m e n t of t h e s o u l . W i t h o u t j o y a n d c u r i o s i t y , life is a s e r i o u s c h o r e , a task f r a u g h t w i t h h e a v i n e s s a n d e v e n m o r b i d i t y . Y o u m a y s t u d y all t h e r i g h t t h i n g s , d o w h a t i s g o o d for y o u , b e t h o u g h t f u l , g e n e r o u s , h e l p ful, a n d c a r i n g , b u t life has n o s p a r k l e . I t r e m a i n s r a t h e r d u l l a n d uninteresting. W i t h o u t the presence o f joy, y o u will n o t b e m o v i n g f r o m y o u r h e a r t i n a c r e a t i v e a n d s p o n t a n e o u s way, s o y o u will n e v e r be in t o u c h with w h a t your heart truly wants, w h a t it is you truly l o v e i n y o u r life.
Joy
Brings
Freedom
W h a t y o u r h e a r t takes d e l i g h t i n c a n a t t i m e s s e e m i r r e l e v a n t t o t h e p r e s s i n g n e e d s i n y o u r l i f e — a l u x u r y o r a n i n d u l g e n c e for w h i c h y o u d o n ' t h a v e t i m e o r e n e r g y . Yet i n t h e l a r g e r p i c t u r e , life i s n o t w o r t h l i v i n g w i t h o u t j o y . W h a t i s t h e v a l u e i n a h u m a n life i f t h e h e a r t has n o t b e e n t o u c h e d ? W h e n y o u are m o v e d b y t h a t effortless a n d carefree h a p p i n e s s , all c o n c e r n s a n d w o r r i e s s e e m m e a n i n g l e s s a n d i r r e l e v a n t . Y o u k n o w a t t h a t m o m e n t t h a t life i s a n a m a z i n g r e v elation that can only be celebrated. No suffering or misery can take a w a y t h e m y s t e r y a n d w o n d e r o f w h a t is. I n t h e state o f j o y , s u f f e r i n g a n d m i s e r y are n o t d e n i e d b u t are s e e n a s p a s s i n g m a n i f e s t a t i o n s o t t h e s u r f a c e layers o f reality. I r o n i cally, m a n y p e o p l e b e l i e v e t h a t p a i n a n d u n h a p p i n e s s c h a r a c t e r i z e t h e d e e p e s t r e a l m s o f t h e h u m a n s o u l , yet j o y b r i n g s s u c h b u o y a n t gladness i n t o the heart precisely because it springs from t h e d e p t h s of t r u e n a t u r e — t o u c h i n g that place w h e r e B e i n g is u n b o u n d e d , u n d i v i d e d , and inseparable from love. T h e m o r e y o u cultivate c u r i o s i t y — y o u r desire t o k n o w y o u r o w n e x p e r i e n c e s i m p l y for t h e sake o f d i s c o v e r i n g t h e t r u t h r e g a r d less o f t h e c o n s e q u e n c e s — t h e m o r e y o u c a n c h a l l e n g e t h e j u d g e ' s efforts t o l i m i t a n d d i r e c t y o u r e x p l o r a t i o n . A g a i n a n d a g a i n , t h e j u d g e will present y o u w i t h "received w i s d o m " a b o u t w h a t things m e a n a n d w h y t h e y are t h e w a y t h e y are. I f y o u are t r u l y c u r i o u s , y o u w i l l n o t a c c e p t its s t a t e m e n t s b u t w i l l w a n t t o f i n d o u t for y o u r self, t o q u e s t i o n y o u r a s s u m p t i o n s a n d past beliefs a b o u t reality.You will w a n t t o k n o w n o w , i n t h e m o m e n t , w h a t i s a c t u a l l y t r u e . A s y o u
Joy and Curiosity
175
d i s c o v e r t h e freshness o f y o u r p r e s e n t u n f o l d i n g e x p e r i e n c e , y o u experience joy at k n o w i n g your own heart and m i n d . T h e m o r e you u n c o v e r a n d let g o o f y o u r i n v e s t m e n t i n c h i l d h o o d e x p e r i e n c e s o f yourself, t h e m o r e y o u r e m o v e t h e r e s t r a i n t s f r o m w h o y o u are n o w and w h o you might become. As each limitation in y o u r m i n d is relaxed, a b u b b l e of j o y is released. As y o u r internal b o u n d a r y cracks o p e n , a light, sweet d e l i g h t escapes. E a c h taste a w a k e n s t h e h e a r t f u r t h e r t o its o w n l o v e o f b e i n g w h o l e a n d t r u e a n d real. A s m o r e c o n s t r i c t i o n s are l o o s e n e d , t h e h e a r t s j o y d e e p e n s , b o u n d a r i e s dissolve, a n d t h e b u b b l i n g o f n e w l y d i s c o v e r e d f r e e d o m gives w a y t o t h e r i c h , soft q u i e t o f a n a w a k e n e d s o u l . B e a m i n g i n t h e blissful r a p t u r e o f a r i p e n i n g j o y , t h e h e a r t rests i n t h e t r u t h . N o t h i n g is m o r e powerful in c o m b a t i n g the j u d g e in a loving w a y t h a n t h e h e a r t ' s l o n g i n g for a n d k n o w i n g o f t h e t r u t h . A s t h e j o y i n b e i n g w h o y o u t r u l y are i s r e c o g n i z e d , t h e h e a v i n e s s a n d s e r i ousness of self-judgment b e c o m e s m o r e and m o r e vivid and intolerable. W h e r e o n c e the j u d g e c o u l d suppress t h e j o y w i t h rules a n d s t a n d a r d s , fear a n d p a i n , n o w t h e j u d g e d i s c o v e r s t h a t its w e a p o n s are useless a g a i n s t a h e a r t t h a t is t o t a l l y carefree, m o r e r a d i a n t t h a n t h e s u n , a n d u n t o u c h e d b y fear.
PRACTICE: OPENING TO A PLAYFUL HEART F i n d a p l a y g r o u n d w h e r e y o u c a n sit a n d w a t c h n e i g h b o r h o o d k i d s play. G i v e y o u r s e l f a t least a h a l f h o u r t o o b s e r v e t h e c h i l d r e n c o m e a n d g o . S e e h o w t h e y i n t e r a c t , m a k e u p g a m e s , a n d find w a y s o f p l a y ing a n d h a v i n g fun. It possible, allow y o u r h e a r t a n d b o d y as well as your m i n d to watch t h e m . C a n y o u t o u c h into the children's p e r s p e c t i v e — t h e i r p a c i n g , t h e i r focus o f a t t e n t i o n , t h e i r sense o f scale a n d p r i o r i t y ? H o w i s y o u r h e a r t affected b y a t t e n d i n g t o t h e w o r l d of children? Are you aware of y o u r experience's b e i n g d a m p e n e d by the presence of the judge?
176
SOUL
WITHOUT
SHAME
PRACTICE: ENCOURAGING CURIOSITY C h o o s e a t i m e w h e n y o u c a n listen t o a f e w f r i e n d s talk a b o u t t h e m selves. N o t i c e t h e i r i m p l i c i t a s s u m p t i o n s a n d beliefs a b o u t w h o t h e y are a n d w h a t t h e i r e x p e r i e n c e s m e a n . S e e i f y o u c a n b e c u r i o u s a b o u t w h y t h o s e a t t i t u d e s are t h e r e a n d w h e r e t h e y c a m e f r o m . I m a g i n e w h a t i t w o u l d b e like t o h a v e a child's c u r i o s i t y a b o u t w h y t h e y talk, act, a n d t h i n k t h e w a y t h e y d o . W h a t s t o p s y o u f r o m really w a n t i n g t o k n o w m o r e a b o u t w h o t h e y are a n d w h y t h e y feel t h e w a y t h e y d o ? W h o m w o u l d i t t h r e a t e n i f y o u w e r e t o ask t h e q u e s t i o n s p e o p l e rarely t h i n k o f o r d a r e t o ask? C a n y o u b e g i n t o n o t i c e your o w n unquestioned relationship to your experience?
,— , > Joy is curious. Joy is curiosity. As you Jove the truth, or as truth loves ing
the
activity you
of the
gating
truth
the
are
is
engaged in,
the joy You
truth, loving
the
truth
are being
truth,
shines. the
and your joy
That shin-
truth,
investi-
is joy in
the
truth. .. . When
we are curious we arc completely whole, happy. We
are doing what we are made to do. We are not engaging in the things
that
bring
us
more
and
We are engaged in something without
even
freedom....
seeking
You
curious. You're
are
every
completely
in
love,
knows? You're just in
there,you're
in
yourself,
with your
whatever know
existence.
it.
—
about
andfrustration.
love.
7
You re love
process
that
and
You're
is presented to you;you
everything
The
moment
with? Who
with
suffering
thatfrees the heart and the mind
that freedom.
free
love
more
who
you
itself is are
completely
are you
in
Whatever happens completely completely it so
in in
much,you
the
love to
be
love
with
love
with
want
it.
A. H. Almaas, Diamond Heart Book 1, pp. 2 4 0 - 2 4 1
to
Sue was driving as they h e a d e d for the park that afternoon to go on o n e of their favorite walks. She was happy, singing o n e of her m a d e - u p songs that Frank w o u l d try to h u m along w i t h . Suddenly, she had to slam on the brakes to avoid hitting a car that was taking forever to make a left t u r n . T h e brakes squealed as Sue swerved. She was able to stop just in time, barely missing the rear e n d of the car t u r n i n g . Frank let o u t a cry as the sudden stop jarred his neck. " C h r i s t ! O W o m a n , I can't believe you still haven't learned to drive! You trying to kill us or something? O h h h , n o w my n e c k is really shot. D a m n . " All the lightness in the air had vanished. Sue was in shock, clutching the steering w h e e l for dear life. She drove the car at a crawl as they b o t h caught their breath and tried to stop shaking. O
He's right,you know.What is wrong with you? You never did learn to drive. Feeling so good andyou nearly get everyone killed! You ought to be ashamed of yourself. God, Ijeel like Mom was right. Feeling good just gets me in trouble.
Tears began to roll d o w n Sue's face as she held herself t o g e t h e r to drive. U n d e r her breath, she was saying to herself, "I shouldn't be d r i v ing. . . . It's t o o m u c h for m e . . . . I ' m t o o little."As soon as Frank calmed d o w n and noticed the state she was in, he suggested she pull over. She refused because they were almost there, so they rode in silence until they reached the parking lot. "All I can hear is this voice saying, O Y o u should be ashamed of yourself, feeling so g o o d and p r e t e n d i n g you k n o w w h a t you're doing!' W h a t can I say? 1 just feel miserable." She was b l u b b e r i n g n o w as Frank held h e r in his arms. "It was bad e n o u g h almost hitting that car, b u t w h a t you said w e n t so d e e p in m e . I feel like I'm five years old and I did s o m e t h i n g very w r o n g . I didn't m e a n to. I was feeling so good, and t h e n blam!" She sobbed, h o l d i n g h i m tight. "I feel d e v a s t a t e d — b l a m e d for s o m e t h i n g bad. T h e sensations of being little are so vivid, like I ' m reliving it. I'm so upset I can hardly breathe. O 'You should be ashamed of y o u r s e l f It sounds like my father's voice. He's standing over m e , telling me h o w shameful I am." She gradually caught h e r breath and calmed d o w n e n o u g h to l o o k at Frank and reassure herself that he was n o t h e r father and that she was safe being w i t h these vulnerable feelings.
14 LOOKING
DEEPER
Y o u N O W HAVE A s e n s e o f h o w t o r e c o g n i z e a t least s o m e o f y o u r s e l f - a t t a c k s . Y o u are b e g i n n i n g t o see h o w y o u e n g a g e t h o s e a t t a c k s a n d w h a t i t feels l i k e t o d o t h e a t t a c k i n g . Finally, y o u h a v e b e c o m e a w a r e t h a t m a n y o f y o u r j u d g m e n t s a r e c a r r i e d o v e r f r o m y o u r early c h i l d h o o d . All o f t h e s e a r e n e c e s s a r y steps i n t h e p r o c e s s o f d i s e n g a g i n g ; t h e y lay t h e g r o u n d w o r k for t h e m o r e c h a l l e n g i n g w o r k o f d e f e n d i n g yourself against the
attacks. H o w e v e r , y o u
may have
f o u n d y o u r s e l f w o n d e r i n g i n all this e x p l o r a t i o n : W h a t i s really g o i n g on here? W h o am I w h e n I am attacking, and w h o am I w h e n e n g a g e d w i t h t h e a t t a c k ? H o w d i d this d y n a m i c o r i g i n a t e ? B e f o r e focusing o n d e f e n d i n g , w e will take o n e m o r e d e e p e r l o o k a t t h e actual j u d g m e n t interaction.
In
Session
P a u l a w a n t e d t o u n d e r s t a n d w h y s h e w a s still h a v i n g s u c h a h a r d t i m e b e i n g a r o u n d h e r m o t h e r . S h e always felt u p t i g h t a n d c r i t i c a l of h e r w h e n they interacted in relation to h e r m o t h e r s business. Even w h e n her m o t h e r seemed to be trying to be o p e n and sharing, Paula f o u n d herself feeling tense and n o t w a n t i n g to be there. S h e felt d i s a p p o i n t e d i n h e r s e l f for n o t h a v i n g l e a r n e d t o act l i k e a n a d u l t a n d for b e i n g s o b o t h e r e d b y h e r m o t h e r . P a u l a c o u l d feel t h a t h e r j u d g e w a s a t t a c k i n g h e r a b o u t h a v i n g this p r o b l e m , b u t s h e c o u l d n ' t f i n d a n y w a y n o t t o a g r e e w i t h h e r j u d g e . (After all, w h a t w a s t h e p r o b l e m ? ) I a s k e d h e r h o w s h e a c t u a l l y felt t o w a r d h e r
180
SOUL
WITHOUT
SHAME
m o t h e r , a n d s h e said. " A n g r y . I j u s t feel a n g r y all t h e t i m e . " S h e j u d g e d h e r s e l f for t h a t b e c a u s e s h e c o u l d n ' t u n d e r s t a n d w h y . P a u l a i s clearly e x p e r i e n c i n g h e r s e l f a s a c h i l d w i t h h e r m o t h e r , a n g r y a t h e r a n d n o t w a n t i n g t o b e w i t h h e r . S h e d o e s n o t like t o feel h e r s e l t this w a y a n d s o focuses o n h o w s h e w o u l d like t o f e e l — h e r i d e a o f b e i n g g r o w n u p . S h e i s n o t able t o u n d e r s t a n d h e r a n g e r b e c a u s e s h e i s n o t w i l l i n g t o feel h e r s e l f a s t h e c h i l d w h o i s a n g r y . I a s k e d h e r h o w s h e h a d felt w i t h h e r m o t h e r a s a c h i l d g r o w i n g u p . S h e t h o u g h t a w h i l e a n d said, " U n s u p p o r t e d . " H e r m o t h e r always c r i t i c i z e d h e r , w a s n e v e r satisfied w i t h w h a t P a u l a d i d , a n d always f o c u s e d o n t h e fact t h a t t h e r e w a s m o r e t o d o . P a u l a n e v e r felt s e e n b y h e r m o t h e r , n e v e r g o t a n y c o m p a s s i o n o r w a r m t h f r o m her."It wasn't even that my m o t h e r was vicious or anything, she was j u s t always w r a p p e d u p i n w h a t s h e felt n e e d e d t o b e d o n e a n d h o w t o d o i t . T h e r e w a s n o r o o m for m e a n d w h a t I w a n t e d o r n e e d e d . " I asked h e r h o w i t w a s for h e r t o b e a w a r e o f t h e s i t u a t i o n s h e g r e w u p w i t h . S h e said i t m a d e h e r sad. I o b s e r v e d t h a t i t m u s t h a v e also b e e n p r e t t y f r u s t r a t i n g t o h a v e always b e e n f o c u s i n g o n h e r m o t h e r and her needs and demands. She simply n o d d e d in agreement. P a u l a w a s n o w b e c o m i n g a w a r e t h a t s h e w a s still o p e r a t i n g w i t h h e r m o t h e r a s i f s h e w e r e t h a t y o u n g c h i l d . T h i s c h i l d i s small, u n s e e n , u n l o v e d , c o n t r o l l e d , a n d f r u s t r a t e d b y a m o t h e r w h o i s selfcentered, driven, and preoccupied. I a s k e d h e r i f s h e felt this m i g h t h a v e a n y t h i n g t o d o w i t h t h e a n g e r s h e w a s f e e l i n g t o w a r d h e r m o t h e r n o w . S h e r e p l i e d , "Yes, o f c o u r s e . I c a n ' t s t a n d h a v i n g t o d o a n y t h i n g for m y m o t h e r t h e s e days. B u t I ' m still c o m m i t t e d t o h e l p i n g h e r o u t w i t h h e r b u s i n e s s . I c a n ' t s t o p n o w . T h a t w o u l d let h e r d o w n . " A s s h e said this, s h e b e c a m e a w a r e o f h o w f r u s t r a t i n g a b i n d s h e w a s in. T h e s i t u a t i o n w a s n o m o r e r e s o l v e d b y t h e e n d o f o u r session, b u t P a u l a w a s n o l o n g e r j u d g i n g herself. S h e felt s o m e c o m p a s s i o n for w h a t s h e h a d h a d t o p u t u p w i t h f r o m h e r m o t h e r all h e r life. S h e c o u l d u n d e r s t a n d h e r r e a d i n e s s for t h a t t o c h a n g e . A n d n o w s h e c o u l d see t h a t this c h a n g e w o u l d r e q u i r e h e r w i l l i n g n e s s t o face t h e f e e l i n g o f a b a n d o n i n g h e r m o t h e r . T h i s e x p l a i n e d w h y h e r a n g e r felt u n c o m f o r t a b l e a n d u n a c c e p t a b l e , b e c a u s e t o feel i t fully w o u l d b r i n g u p h e r desire t o t u r n h e r b a c k o n h e r m o t h e r . H e r j u d g e
I Looking Deeper
181
a t t a c k e d h e r for h a v i n g t h a t d e s i r e a n d m a d e h e r feel g u i l t y for e v e n c o n s i d e r i n g s u c h a selfish a c t . I f y o u w a n t t o u n d e r s t a n d t h e p o w e r b e h i n d y o u r j u d g e ' s activity, y o u m u s t learn to observe yourself closely as y o u e x p e r i e n c e an a t t a c k . T h i s k i n d o f a w a r e n e s s i s n o t e a s y I t r e q u i r e s y o u r w i l l t o stay p r e s e n t a n d n o t g e t lost i n y o u r u s u a l e n g a g e m e n t , y o u r a w a r e n e s s to sense y o u r b o d y and y o u r reactions, y o u r c o u r a g e and strength t o face difficult feelings, a n d y o u r c u r i o s i t y t o b e o p e n t o w h a t y o u f i n d . I t h e l p s i f y o u h a v e a t i m e a n d p l a c e t o b e q u i e t a n d stay w i t h y o u r i n t e r n a l p r o c e s s o r p e r h a p s find s o m e o n e t o s u p p o r t y o u i n exploring.
In-Depth
Self-Exploration
To e x p e r i e n c e y o u r s e l f under attack r a t h e r t h a n lost in engaging the attack r e q u i r e s shifting y o u r f o c u s a w a y f r o m t h e o u t s i d e a n d t o w a r d t h e i n s i d e : f r o m t h e j u d g e a n d its s t o r y t o y o u r s e l f a n d h o w t h e j u d g m e n t affects y o u . T h e task h e r e i s t o c h o o s e a s e l f - a t t a c k y o u h a v e noticed recently and explore h o w it works in y o u . T h e following is a n e x a m p l e f r o m m y o w n life o f h o w this m i g h t w o r k : I notice that w h e n I imagine future projects for myself, m y j u d g e tells me,"You are t o o ambitious, you're selfish, and you think you are better than others."This always leads to e n g a g e m e n t as I try to decide if the j u d g e is right and try to justify myself. Instead, this time I consider w h a t happens to me w h e n I feel the j u d g e talking to me like this. O b s e r v i n g y o u r e x p e r i e n c e this w a y w i l l b e g i n t o e x p o s e m o r e o f t h e e m o t i o n a l layer o f y o u r e x p e r i e n c e . A s s o o n a s y o u n o t i c e w h a t feelings are p r o v o k e d b y t h e a t t a c k , y o u c a n s p e a k t h e m , w r i t e t h e m d o w n , o r list t h e m silently t o y o u r s e l f . I notice I feel resentful, trapped, ashamed, and restless. I can feel that I w o r r y about h o w others are seeing me. I w i t h d r a w and want to p u t my attention on s o m e t h i n g else. I recognize that in
182
SOUL
WITHOUT
SHAME
order to follow t h r o u g h on projects, I have had to stop feeling myself. S t a y i n g w i t h t h o s e feelings, y o u w i l l u n d o u b t e d l y s e n s e t h a t b e i n g m a d e t o feel this w a y i s a f a m i l i a r e x p e r i e n c e : i t has h a p p e n e d before, perhaps m a n y times. This pattern goes back all t h r o u g h early adulthood, around most activities in w h i c h I got involved.The dynamic w o u l d arise w h e n I was learning s o m e t h i n g new, was excited about it, and w a n t e d to teach it or show others w h a t I had learned. I wasn't usually aware of the attacks then, b u t n o w I can feel that they h a p p e n e d many times. Usually, I i m a g i n e d that o t h e r people were j u d g i n g m e , and I w o u l d avoid t h e m or act detached in order to shut d o w n my o w n feelings in response to w h a t they m i g h t say or do. I am aware of a painful irony oí w a n t i n g to share w h a t I am excited about but n e e d i n g to wall off my heart because I ' m afraid I'll be attacked for being ambitious and selfish. I feel a h u r t in my heart.
A l l o w i n g y o u r s e l f t o stay w i t h w h a t e v e r feelings c o m e u p w i l l t e n d t o o p e n y o u t o a s s o c i a t e d feelings a n d beliefs a b o u t this s i t u a t i o n . Y o u m a y d i s c o v e r a different o r d e e p e r u n d e r s t a n d i n g o f t h e c u r r e n t attack as y o u r e m e m b e r earlier a n d earlier e x p e r i e n c e s . Y o u m a y t o u c h on o n e of the original incidents of the particular attack, or y o u m a y sense h o w t h e c u r r e n t attack is a distortion or even a reaction to a feeling or an attack h i d d e n u n d e r n e a t h . Different realizations begin to arise. I have n o t b e e n able to stay in t o u c h w i t h my heart in following t h r o u g h on a project; I've n e e d e d external motivation to c o n t i n u e . By u n d e r m i n i n g my focus on the project, the attack is actually trying to protect me from the disappointment of failure or a bad response from o t h ers. I notice feelings arising of sensitivity, longing, fear, and sadness. Especially, I feel a helplessness that makes me feel very y o u n g . I sense some primal relationship b e t w e e n my e x c i t e m e n t and desire for discovery, sharing myself w i t h my m o t h e r , and her negative reaction to me. It is hard to focus and stay w i t h the discomfort in my b o d y and m i n d . A n d yet I feel intensely in myself in this m o m e n t , present w i t h the clearly defined and limited sense
Looking
Deeper
183
of myself stimulated by the attack. I am n o t engaging to avoid the discomfort. I n this regressive p r o c e s s , y o u m a y also n o t i c e t h a t i t i s n o t o n l y a f e e l i n g y o u are t r a c k i n g b u t a w h o l e c l u s t e r o f a w a r e n e s s e s , i n c l u d i n g belief, b o d i l y s e n s a t i o n , m o v e m e n t i m p u l s e s , p e r h a p s
other
senses (smell, s o u n d ) , a n d m a y b e a visual i m a g e as w e l l . T h e s e all fit t o g e t h e r t o m a k e a c o m p l e t e gestalt p r o v o k e d b y this a t t a c k . I can feel this y o u n g sense of myself as a small boy poised b e t w e e n his o w n excited, o p e n heart and an anxious c o n c e r n for his mother. He is frozen with indecision and stands hardly breathing, arms h a n g i n g at his side, w a t c h i n g his m o t h e r from several feet away. I am aware of h o w uncomfortable it has been to feel myself this wav.
You
and Your Self-Image
T h i s gestalt is called a self-image, a t h r e e - d i m e n s i o n a l sense of y o u r self ( w i t h o r w i t h o u t visual i m a g e ) b a s e d o n a past e x p e r i e n c e o r r e p e a t e d e x p e r i e n c e s . T h o u g h it is called an image, it seems q u i t e real b e c a u s e y o u c a n feel i t i n y o u r b o d y a n d e m o t i o n s , a n d i t has a particular m o v e m e n t and way of experiencing the world. N e v e r t h e l e s s , it is an i m a g e b e c a u s e it is a s n a p s h o t of t h e past or, m o r e a c c u r a t e l y , a m o v i e o f t h e past. I t i s f i x e d a n d d o e s n ' t c h a n g e , e v e n t h o u g h i t has m o t i o n . A n d i t i s p r e d i c t a b l e a n d lifeless, e v e n t h o u g h i t has e m o t i o n a l e n e r g y . W h e n y o u are a t t a c k e d , y o u are affected p r i marily by b e c o m i n g identified w i t h a particular self-image from y o u r past. T h e p r o v o k e d feelings t h e m s e l v e s are n o t t h e p r o b l e m ; w h a t limits y o u a n d c r e a t e s s e l f - r e j e c t i o n i s t h e s e l f - i m a g e t h o s e feelings are a s s o c i a t e d w i t h . Every attack y o u e x p e r i e n c e provokes a particular self-image in you. This is w h o you unconsciously take yourself to be in that m o m e n t , and your behavior is an expression of that identification. E a c h self-image can be traced b a c k to s o m e early situation in y o u r c h i l d h o o d t h a t b e c a m e c r y s t a l l i z e d a s this i n t e r n a l i m a g e . T h e r e f o r e , t h o u g h y o u m a y t h i n k a n d act o u t w a r d l y a s i f y o u w e r e a n a d u l t ,
184
SOUL
WITHOUT
SHAME
u n c o n s c i o u s l y y o u are a c t i n g like t h e small c h i l d y o u o n c e w e r e . I t i s n o w o n d e r y o u feel u n a b l e t o f u n c t i o n efFectively. It is also p o s s i b l e to see t h a t as l o n g as y o u are i d e n t i f i e d w i t h t h e small c h i l d , a n y effort t o s t o p t h e j u d g m e n t w i l l still leave y o u engaged w i t h the j u d g e . This is because the e x p e r i e n c e a n d desire of the child was to r e m a i n e n g a g e d in o r d e r n o t to t h r e a t e n t h e relationship w i t h t h e p a r e n t . T h a t child is a frozen self-image from the p a s t . T h e i m a g e arose from t h e e x p e r i e n c e o f b e i n g e n g a g e d . T h e r e fore, s t o p p i n g t h e e n g a g e m e n t w i l l m e a n c e a s i n g t o i d e n t i f y w i t h t h e c h i l d , a n d this m e a n s c o m p l e t e l y s e v e r i n g t h e r e l a t i o n s h i p w i t h the parent part of y o u . T h e voice will stop.You will be alone inside, w i t h o u t child or parent.
Other-Image
as Judge
T h i s b r i n g s u s n o w t o i d e n t i f y i n g t h e j u d g e . J u s t a s t h e early h i s t o r y a r o u n d t h a t a t t a c k reveals w h o y o u w e r e a t t h a t t i m e , t h e m e m o r i e s c a n also disclose t h e s o u r c e o f t h a t p a r t i c u l a r a t t a c k . I n o t h e r w o r d s , as you e x p e r i e n c e yourself b e i n g attacked and allow the e x p e r i e n c e t o f i l l y o u , y o u m a y b e able t o i d e n t i f y w h o i n y o u r past s p o k e t o y o u in that way (most often s o m e o n e in y o u r family). It may be she used t h e same w o r d s , o r different w o r d s w i t h t h e s a m e i m p l i e d feeli n g , o r i t m a y b e y o u j u s t k n e w s h e felt t h a t w a y b e c a u s e s h e a t t a c k e d o t h e r s o r h e r s e l f t h a t way. Y o u m a y also f i n d y o u w e r e i n t e r p r e t i n g an early e x p e r i e n c e as a rejection or an attack w h e n it wasn't. H o w ever, a t t h e t i m e , y o u h a d n o p e r s p e c t i v e t o b e a b l e t o see t h a t . W h a t is i m p o r t a n t is to get a sense of w h e r e that particular j u d g ing energy c a m e from in y o u r o w n h i s t o r y — a n d understand that i t d i d n ' t o r i g i n a t e w i t h y o u . J u s t a s e a c h a t t a c k p r o v o k e s a specific s e l f - i m a g e , e a c h s e l f - i m a g e is c o n n e c t e d to a specific other-image t h a t b e c a m e internalized as y o u r j u d g e . H o w freeing it could be to realize t h a t e a c h t i m e y o u are e n g a g e d w i t h a p a r t i c u l a r a t t a c k , y o u are actually dealing w i t h U n c l e Harry. As a child, y o u w e r e probably helpless w i t h a n a d u l t l i k e U n c l e H a r r y : y o u c o u l d n ' t d e f e n d y o u r self o r e x p r e s s w h a t w a s t r u e for y o u . N o w y o u are l a r g e r a n d o l d e r a n d can r e s p o n d differently T h i s k i n d o f e x p l o r a t i o n o f a n a t t a c k c a n reveal w h a t i s s u b -
Looking Deeper
185
m e r g e d u n d e r y o u r f a m i l i a r d e p r e s s i o n a n d r a t i o n a l i z i n g . I t c a n also o p e n u p old a n d p o w e r f u l feelings t h a t h a v e l o n g b e e n s u p p r e s s e d , w h i c h might subject you to m o r e harsh self-judgment. Awareness is v e r y p o w e r f u l , a n d this p r o c e s s o f e x p l o r a t i o n m u s t b e u n d e r t a k e n i n safety, especially f r o m y o u r j u d g e . I n o t h e r w o r d s , d i s c o v e r i n g t h a t y o u are f e e l i n g like a n a n g r y a n d h u m i l i a t e d f o u r - y e a r - o l d i s n o t a reason to attack yourself. It is i m p o r t a n t that t h e awareness be h e l d in a space of gentle a n d respectful kindness. B e c a u s e y o u still b e l i e v e t h a t y o u are i n s o m e w a y t h a t c h i l d , y o u c a n n o t t r e a t y o u r c h i l d s e l f - i m a g e like a p h o t o g r a p h y o u c a n d i s c a r d . I t feels real t o y o u , a n d y o u m u s t r e s p e c t t h a t fact a s t r u t h for y o u a t this m o m e n t . T h u s , t h e m o r e y o u c a n feel h o w difficult i t w a s for t h a t c h i l d , t h e m o r e y o u r o w n l o v i n g k i n d n e s s w i l l b e s t i r r e d . F e e l i n g c o m p a s s i o n for t h e y o u n g p a r t o f y o u t h a t w a s s o affected b y t h e a t t a c k i s t h e n a t u r a l r e s p o n s e t o b e i n g i n t o u c h w i t h the truth of the situation. T h e r e is n o t h i n g to be d o n e but be aware of what happened and remain with your n e w understanding of w h y this a t t a c k has s u c h a n i m p a c t o n y o u . T h e m o r e y o u see t h e t r u t h , the m o r e the process of disengaging will be a natural unfolding of what needs to happen.
POINTS TO REMEMBER •
To e x p e r i e n c e y o u r s e l f under attack r a t h e r t h a n lost in engaging the attack r e q u i r e s shifting y o u r f o c u s a w a y f r o m t h e o u t s i d e a n d t o w a r d t h e i n s i d e : f r o m t h e j u d g e a n d its s t o r y t o y o u r s e l f a n d h o w t h e j u d g m e n t affects y o u .
• W h e n v o u are a t t a c k e d , y o u are affected p r i m a r i l y b y b e c o m i n g i d e n t i f i e d w i t h a p a r t i c u l a r s e l f - i m a g e f r o m y o u r past. T h e p r o v o k e d feelings t h e m s e l v e s are n o t t h e p r o b l e m ; w h a t l i m i t s y o u a n d c r e a t e s s e l f - r e j e c t i o n i s t h e s e l f - i m a g e t h o s e feelings are a s s o ciated with. • J u s t as e a c h a t t a c k p r o v o k e s a specific s e l f - i m a g e , e a c h s e l f - i m a g e is c o n n e c t e d to a specific other-image t h a t b e c a m e i n t e r n a l i z e d as your judge. •
F e e l i n g c o m p a s s i o n for t h e y o u n g p a r t o f y o u t h a t w a s s o affected
186
SOUL
WITHOUT
SHAME
by the attack is the natural response to being in t o u c h with the truth of the situation.
EXERCISE: EXPLORING Y O U R EXPERIENCE WHILE U N D E R ATTACK
Step 1.
C h o o s e a f a m i l i a r s e l f - a t t a c k . If a f r i e n d is w i l l i n g to h e l p y o u , ask h e r t o sit f a c i n g y o u a n d c a l m l y s p e a k t h e a t t a c k to you as y o u r j u d g e w o u l d (no malice in delivery is n e e d e d ) a n d t h e n t o sit q u i e t l y w i t h y o u a s y o u e x p l o r e . I f y o u are d o i n g this a l o n e , i t i s helpful t o t a p e yourself d e l i v e r i n g t h e a t t a c k several t i m e s a n d t h e n p l a y b a c k o n e d e l i v ery of the attack and pause w h i l e y o u explore.
Step 2 .
After listening to t h e s t a t e m e n t , j u s t be w i t h yourself a n d n o t i c e w h a t h a p p e n s : D i d y o u feel i t h o o k y o u ? H o w d i d i t affect y o u r b o d y ? W h a t feelings w e r e s t i r r e d b y t h e attack?
Step 3 .
Listen to the attack again. K e e p noticing. Be aware if y o u b e g i n to engage, and try to b r i n g yourself back to your feelings only. N o t i c e t h e t e n d e n c y t o b e c o m e f r o z e n a n d k e e p f r o m b e i n g affected. Feel t h a t . Y o u w a n t t o l e a r n a b o u t w h a t h a p p e n s t o y o u w h e n y o u h e a r this a t t a c k . I f t h e r e are n o feelings, n o t i c e t h a t . A r e y o u a w a r e o f n u m b n e s s , d e a d n e s s , e m p t i n e s s ? H o w d o e s i t feel t o b e t h a t w a y ? I f c e r t a i n feelings o r e m o t i o n s are p r e s e n t , d o t h e y r e m i n d y o u o f earlier t i m e s w h e n y o u felt t h e s a m e ? Was s o m e t h i n g similar t o this said t o y o u i n c h i l d h o o d ? W h o said it? Are y o u aware of feeling as t h o u g h y o u w e r e in that situation now?
Step 4 .
R e p e a t the attack as m a n y times as y o u n e e d to in o r d e r to s e n s e as d e e p l y as p o s s i b l e t h e effects it has on y o u .
We still don't are
understand
that
attitudes,
actually responsiblefor our suffering.
this idea
but
the picture
doing
and
ideas,
and beliefs
We pay lip service
we don't know it completely and totally. So
continue in our old patterns. see
our
that
we
The work we do here is simply to
completely,
how
to
seeing
affects
exactly
what
it
is you
are
reality.
This is the way that real freedom, actual change, will come about. To
live
in freedom
and
absolute fulfillment,
complete, radical shift, and such there doing.
is
a
All
what you If you
complete the
do
try
your effort
to
a shift
understanding
work you and
how you
do
anything
do
here
of what is
interfere other
can
based with
than
the
we
need
occur only
a
when
we
are
actually
on
understanding
natural process.
understand
the situation,
will be a blockage, a resistance, an interference. You
cannot make yourself grow; you can only cease to interfere.You cannot ments. force
make yourself happy;you Growth itself.
and
And you
expansion cannot
can are
predict
only
stop
natural; they its
your judg-
are
the
direction.
-— A. H. Almaas, Diamond Heart Book 2, p. 109
life
Frank looked in Sue's face and saw a very upset y o u n g child. She was shaking, and he could feel h o w m u c h pain she was in, t h o u g h he had no idea w h a t it was about. He t o o k a deep breath, exhaled, and then, h o l d i n g h e r hands, asked, " C a n you tell me a b o u t what is so painful, Sue?" She looked d o w n at his hands h o l d i n g hers and slowly began to speak. " I ' m r e m e m b e r i n g the day I first learned to ride my bike. My parents had guests on the terrace for drinks and hors d'oeuvres. I was practicing and wanted to show D a d d y h o w I could ride. He e n c o u r aged me to ride over to w h e r e they were sitting. I was a little wobbly b u t OK until I got near the little tables on the terrace. T h e n I got n e r vous. I fell over, k n o c k i n g d o w n the hors d'oeuvres table. Vegetables, crackers, and dip w e n t flying everywhere. "As 1 t h i n k of it now, it was probably a pretty funny sight w i t h food everywhere, t h o u g h , of course, no o n e laughed. At the time, all I was aware of was the mess I m a d e and everyone's eyes on me. I was scared and bruised and w a n t e d to h i d e . T h e n my father came over and dragged me from u n d e r the bike by my a r m , glaring at me as if I had said a dirty w o r d or something. I can still feel the bruise from his grip and smell the alcohol on his breath. He began to scold m e , O ' L o o k w h a t you've d o n e : h u r t your leg, r u i n e d everyone's appetizers, and m a d e a fool of yourself all by p r e t e n d i n g to be better than you are. You should be ashamed of yourself!' I did, I felt so ashamed that I had fallen. I just cringed and w e p t for a l o n g time. Q W h y am I still so i n c o m p e t e n t ? " Frank felt his heart e x p a n d and soften, creating a comforting c u s h ion to hold S u e s little girl. H e r hands w o u l d alternately grip his hands a n d t h e n relax. Tears welled up in her eyes every few m i n u t e s as h e r b o d y relived the trauma from her father's rebuke and her o w n shame. Frank gently stroked h e r hair. " H o w confusing t o have h i m e n c o u r a g i n g y o u o n e m i n u t e and blaming y o u the next. It seems he was m o r e c o n c e r n e d a b o u t your impressing his friends than a b o u t h o w you felt. I bet it was pretty scary to fall on the terrace w i t h everyone watching—especially y o u r father. You must have really w a n t e d to feel that he was p r o u d of you." His voice was t e n d e r as he verbalized feelings he sensed were there in Sue, and this seemed to help h e r relax and breathe m o r e deeply. "You're right. I felt ashamed because I failed to make h i m p r o u d of m e — a n d all this time, I believed it was because I was t o o y o u n g to c o n trol my bike."
15 COMPASSION
THE
HEART'S
DIRECT
ANTIDOTE
to j u d g m e n t
is
compassion.
B e c a u s e t h e j u d g e sees o n l y w h a t i s w r o n g a n d w h a t n e e d s f i x i n g , y o u k n o w y o u will get n o c o m p a s s i o n t r o m it.You will therefore b e w a r y o f e x p o s i n g p a i n f u l , scary, o r n e g a t i v e p a r t s o f yourself, for y o u can b e certain t h e j u d g e will m a k e y o u wish y o u h a d n ' t . E v e r y t h i n g y o u t h i n k a n d feel c a n b e u s e d a g a i n s t y o u . Its j o b i s t o m a i n t a i n t h e status q u o , t o p r o t e c t y o u b y m a i n t a i n i n g a r e s t r i c t e d s e n s e o f self. I f y o u e x p a n d o r feel t o o g o o d , t h e j u d g e w i l l g i v e y o u a ' ' d o s e o f reality"; if y o u s h r i n k t o o m u c h or collapse, it will r e m i n d y o u that t h i n g s a r e n ' t s o b a d a n d t h a t y o u w i l l s u r v i v e . Its j o b i s n o t t o v a l i date you, a c k n o w l e d g e your courage, or appreciate y o u r pain. A t b e s t , t h e j u d g e will t r y t o f i x y o u r p a i n , tell y o u w h a t y o u d i d w r o n g t h a t m a d e y o u feel h u r t , h o w t o t a k e c a r e o f it, w h y it's n o t w o r t h w o r r y i n g a b o u t , o r h o w y o u h a v e felt m u c h w o r s e . I n t h i s way, t h e j u d g e m i r r o r s all t h e w a y s y o u r p a i n a n d h u r t w e r e d e a l t r
w i t h as a c h i l d . C e r t a i n l y , w h e n specific a c t i o n s o r e v e n t s c a u s e p h y s i c a l o r e m o t i o n a l p a i n for a c h i l d , i t i s a p p r o p r i a t e for p a r e n t s t o d o w h a t t h e y c a n t o r e m o v e o r m i n i m i z e t h e s o u r c e o f t h e h u r t . I n this way, m a n y people got help w i t h physical pain and attention to e m o t i o n a l p a i n . H o w e v e r , t h e situation was different w h e n t h e source was n o t clear or c o u l d n o t be r e m o v e d , such as a divorce, the d e a t h of a f a m ily m e m b e r , a p a r e n t ' s d e p r e s s i o n , o r p e e r p r e s s u r e a t s c h o o l . I n t h e s e situations, few p e o p l e had their pain accepted a n d held as natural. E m o t i o n a l p a i n i n a c h i l d w a s o f t e n u n c o m f o r t a b l e for t h e p a r e n t s
190
SOUL
WITHOUT
SHAME
b e c a u s e i t r e f l e c t e d a n e l e m e n t o f life t h e y c o u l d n ' t c o n t r o l o r w e r e i n t o l e r a n t o f i n t h e m s e l v e s . T h i s d i s c o m f o r t shifted t h e p a r e n t s ' f o c u s to getting rid of the pain t h r o u g h denying, avoiding, discounting, o r c o m p e n s a t i n g for i t . T h e c h i l d l e a r n e d t o feel t h a t s o m e t h i n g w a s w r o n g if she was feeling pain. W h e n t h e p a i n was treated as a p r o b l e m , u l t i m a t e l y , t h e c h i l d c a m e t o b e l i e v e sJw w a s s o m e h o w a p r o b l e m for h a v i n g t h e p a i n i n t h e first p l a c e . A s a c h i l d , p a r t o f y o u l o n g e d t o have s o m e o n e j u s t b e t h e r e w i t h y o u i n y o u r pain, listen to y o u , h o l d y o u , a n d s h o w y o u that pain is a natural part of life.This is w h a t compassion does.
Compassion
and
Pain
C o m p a s s i o n is a natural response to h u r t and pain in yourself or in a n o t h e r . T h e h e a r t softens a n d o p e n s . C o m p a s s i o n feels w a r m a n d s o o t h i n g , like a g e n t l e salve. I t gives t h e h e a r t t h e s t r e n g t h t o feel t h e p a i n a s w e l l a s t h e t r u t h o f t h e s i t u a t i o n c a u s i n g it. M o s t a d u l t p a i n c a n n o t be r e m o v e d by external action, n o r is it resolved by logic or c h e e r i n g u p . F r e q u e n t l y , s u f f e r i n g arises f r o m s i t u a t i o n s y o u c a n ' t o r don't w a n t to change, or it remains with you from experiences y o u h a d l o n g a g o . I t takes a large h e a r t t o b e t o u c h e d b y t h e reality o f s u c h p a i n a n d n o t r u s h t o c h a n g e o r s t o p l t . W h e n y o u feel t h e p r e s e n c e o f c o m p a s s i o n for y o u r o w n h u r t , y o u k n o w i t w i l l b e all r i g h t and you don't have to do anything, change anything, or fix anything. Yes, t h e h u r t i s t h e r e , a n d y o u c a n b e w i t h i t b e c a u s e t h e r e i s c o m p a s s i o n i n y o u r h e a r t . C o m p a s s i o n arises f r o m a h e a r t f e l t u n d e r standing of y o u r o w n truth, and it supports y o u r willingness to be w i t h that truth. So h u r t naturally brings compassion if the heart is n o t blocked, a n d c o m p a s s i o n a l l o w s y o u t o t o l e r a t e m o r e o f t h e h u r t feelings. I n m o s t cases, y o u r e c o g n i z e t h a t y o u r h u r t o r i g i n a t e d l o n g a g o a n d i s n o t c a u s e d b y t h e p r e s e n t s i t u a t i o n . I f y o u c a n m a k e s p a c e t o stay w i t h t h e h u r t , y o u realize t h a t y o u h a v e felt i t m a n y t i m e s b e f o r e . I t i s f a m i l i a r t o y o u r h e a r t . Y o u r e m e m b e r o t h e r t i m e s w h e n y o u felt t h e h u r t , a n d a s y o u d o , t h e h u r t reveals d e e p e r a n d d e e p e r r o o t s i n t o y o u r past. F e e l i n g i t u n w i n d s a t h r e a d o f s u f f e r i n g b a c k t o f o r gotten w o u n d s in childhood.You m a y find yourself feeling the o r i g -
Compassion
191
inal situation of betrayal, rejection, or humiliation that has remained a scar in you all these years. Compassion offers the gentle spaciousness to see and feel these deep gashes in the heart. Simply recognizing what hurt you so long ago begins to heal you and make you whole, for it allows you to be with yourself in that original hurt with a fullness and an understanding not possible at that time. W h e n your hurt is treated by others as something to be avoided or gotten rid of, the implicit rejection and hostility support a state of disconnection inside you. In contrast, being with someone w h o has a kind, open, and accepting heart allows you to feel embraced in your hurt.You no longer have to hide the hurt, pretend you feel differently, find a way to fix things, or k n o w what it all means. You can simply be with what is arising and feel supported, seen, and understood. Feeling your own compassion is like having spaciousness in your chest, room to breathe and be with your feelings.The u n c o n scious holding against the pain in the heart relaxes.You can rest in what is true: there was hurt; that can't be ehanged.You feel the pain, and you are larger than it. You experience a sense of allowing and support for the truth, w i t h o u t needing to do or be anything. T h e w a r m t h of tender kindness is mixed with the cool freshness of reality.
Compassion
and
the Judge
As anger can be the barrier and doorway to true strength, so hurt can be the doorway and barrier to compassion. If you are unwilling to acknowledge or be with your pain, it will be hard to experience compassion for yourself or others. T h e j u d g e specializes in attacking you for feeling your pain. " W h a t good is it to feel pain? It won't change a thing! . . .You are such a crybaby. . . .Watch out, you might lose it and start crying; then we'd really be in a mess. . . . Feel your pain? Are you some kind of masochist? . . .Your pain is a j o k e compared to some people's. . . .You want to feel pain, that's your problem. D o n ' t expect me to feel sorry for you. . . . I k n o w it hurts, baby, but cheer up. It could be a lot worse, let me tell you." Compassion is a direct antidote to the judge's poison. That
192
SOUL
WITHOUT
SHA M L
poison is neutralized by the soothing w a r m t h of an o p e n heart.Tend e r n e s s dissolves t h e h a r s h n e s s ; a l l o w i n g u n d o e s t h e r e j e c t i o n . T h e c r i t i c a l s t a n c e loses its g r o u n d i n g a n d falls away. W h e r e t h e r e w a s s t r u c t u r e , n o w t h e r e i s s p a c i o u s h o l d i n g ; w h e r e t h e r e w a s belief a n d knowledge, n o w there is the truth of the u n k n o w n . B u t n o t i c e h o w y o u r j u d g e will t u r n its a t t e n t i o n t o t h e c o m p a s s i o n a n d a t t a c k i t i n a n effort t o c r e a t e r e a c t i o n a n d h a r d n e s s a g a i n . I t will t r y t o m a k e k i n d n e s s s e e m like w e a k n e s s , s e n t i m e n t a l ity, or selfishness: " C o m p a s s i o n is j u s t s p i r i t u a l pity. G i v e it u p . . . . Y o u a c c e p t t h a t p a i n a n d y o u will b e a s k i n g for m o r e , b e l i e v e m e . . . . A r e n ' t y o u s u c h a n i c e p e r s o n , a c t i n g so k i n d a n d c o n c e r n e d . . . . B e i n g s o f t - h e a r t e d d o e s n ' t g e t y o u a n y w h e r e in this w o r l d ; that's for w i m p s . . . .You c a n ' t j u s t sit t h e r e l o o k i n g s p i r i t u a l ; y o u have to do s o m e t h i n g . . . . H a v e n ' t y o u i n d u l g e d y o u r h u r t child e n o u g h ? " For the j u d g e simply to allow the compassion w i t h o u t c o m m e n t w o u l d t h r e a t e n its f u n d a m e n t a l p e r s p e c t i v e — t h a t t h e w o r l d i s a d a n g e r o u s p l a c e a n d y o u are all a l o n e a n d r e q u i r e c o n s t a n t a n d critical a t t e n t i o n t o s u r v i v e .
The True
Gift
of Compassion
A l l o w i n g y o u r s e l f t o feel d e e p h u r t i s n o t t h e s a m e a s s u p p o r t i n g the identification w i t h the child w h o is in p a i n — t h o u g h it will include recognizing h o w y o u have unconsciously identified w i t h t h a t c h i l d a n d b e e n m o t i v a t e d b y h e r feelings. I n s t e a d , b e i n g w i t h y o u r p a i n i s t h e p a t h t o a l l o w i n g t h e fullness o f y o u r h e a r t a n d its t r u t h . It is n o t a m e a n s for j u s t i f y i n g h e l p l e s s n e s s or e s t a b l i s h i n g blame. N e i t h e r is it a way to get the attention and c o m f o r t y o u never g o t as a c h i l d . T h e compassion and o p e n - h e a r t e d n e s s of the soul w e r e not t h e r e i n t h e e n v i r o n m e n t a t c r i t i c a l t i m e s for y o u a s a c h i l d , a n d therefore, those qualities w e r e n o t r e c o g n i z e d or e n c o u r a g e d to arise w i t h i n y o u . B u t o p e n - h e a r t e d c o m p a s s i o n i s t h e q u a l i t y t h a t will truly c o m f o r t y o u now. G e t t i n g others to h o l d y o u and give y o u a t t e n t i o n feels s o o t h i n g b u t t e n d s t o s u p p o r t y o u r b e l i e f t h a t y o u are still t h a t c h i l d . Y o u r h u r t c h i l d i s a n i n n e r p l a c e o f s t u c k n e s s t h a t p r e v e n t s y o u f r o m r e l a x i n g a n d f e e l i n g fully. T o u c h i n g y o u r o w n suf-
Compassion
193
f e r i n g c a n t a k e y o u b e y o n d t h e t e m p o r a r y relief o f b e i n g c o m f o r t e d by others. It will p e n e t r a t e t h e stuckness, o p e n y o u r o w n c o m p a s sion, a n d allow y o u r soul to d e e p e n into the spaciousness of the heart. T h i s openness of the compassionate heart is a d o o r w a y to an i n t i m a t e c o n n e c t i o n w i t h all o f life. U l t i m a t e l y , c o m p a s s i o n g o e s b e y o n d a w a r e n e s s a n d e m p a t h y t o t h e r e c o g n i t i o n t h a t y o u are n o t separate from e v e r y t h i n g a r o u n d you. In t h e openness of a truthful h e a r t , t h e r e are n o b o u n d a r i e s , n o walls a g a i n s t t h e f l o w o f life, i n s i d e o r o u t . You can k n o w the e x p e r i e n c e o f o t h e r p e o p l e , o f flowers, trees, a n d squirrels, of t h e w i n d and rocks, because y o u r heart is c o m p l e t e l y a w a k e , o p e n , a n d u n d e f e n d e d . A t its d e p t h , c o m p a s s i o n creates a d i s a r m i n g capacity to t o u c h and be t o u c h e d — a quality essential for a l l o w i n g y o u sensitivity a n d c o n t a c t w i t h y o u r e x p e r i ence and your world. T h e j u d g e m u s t always k e e p a d i s t a n c e from y o u a n d y o u r situ a t i o n i n o r d e r t o stay i n c o n t r o l . C o m p a s s i o n m e a n s n o s e p a r a t i o n b e t w e e n y o u a n d t h e h u r t ; y o u feel i t w i t h n o r e a c t i o n s a n d h o l d n o t h i n g back. Pity a n d sympathy, on the o t h e r hand, create distance, separation, a n d often a feeling of superiority. W h e n you have c o m p a s s i o n for yourself, y o u h e a l t h e splits p e r p e t u a t e d b y t h e j u d g e — b i g a n d s t r o n g v e r s u s small a n d w e a k , s u p e r i o r versus i n f e r i o r , a n d m e v e r s u s y o u . W h a t r e m a i n s i s t h e s i m p l e t r u t h o f w h e r e y o u are. C o m p a s s i o n is a vital s u p p o r t for c o n t a c t i n g t h e u n f a m i l i a r as well a s t h e b u r i e d p a r t s o f y o u r e x p e r i e n c e . W i t h it, y o u h a v e a n ally i n t h e h e a r t for b e i n g w i t h w h a t e v e r y o u d i s c o v e r , w h e t h e r y o u like i t o r n o t , w h e t h e r i t feels g o o d o r n o t . W i t h o u t it, y o u are a t t h e mercy of the judge every time your e x p e r i e n c e brings you s o m e thing old or s o m e t h i n g new.
PRACTICE: BEING WITH PAIN T h e n e x t t i m e y o u are w i t h s o m e o n e w h o i s feeling p a i n o r h u r t , p r a c t i c e o p e n i n g y o u r h e a r t t o this p e r s o n s e x p e r i e n c e a n d n o t i c e any impulses to m o v e away or c o m e to the rescue. Are you t e m p t e d t o e x p l a i n o r a n a l y z e t h e difficulty, offer s u g g e s t i o n s , v o i c e a n g e r a t
194
SOUL
WITHOUT
SHAME
t h e s i t u a t i o n , say i t w i l l b e all r i g h t , e v e n offer p h y s i c a l c o m f o r t ? I f y o u speak, try simply to a c k n o w l e d g e y o u r awareness of t h e h u r t or difficulty. R e m e m b e r , t h e p r a c t i c e i s t o p r o v i d e s u p p o r t t o r b e i n g w i t h t h e p a i n . T h i s m a y b e e s p e c i a l l y difficult i f t h e p e r s o n w a n t s t o escape t h e pain, b u t practice it anyway. N o t i c e w h a t h a p p e n s .
There
is
between
a
beautiful
truth
and
kind
of cause-and-effect
compassion. They go
leads to truth, truth
together.
relationship Compassion
to compassion; and what makes us avoid
either or both of them is usually pain. We want to feel good. We want to protect our beliefs, our ideas about who we are. We want
to
protect
ourselves
from
seeing
the
truth
about
others.
We all have these cherished beliefs about who we are, who others are, how things are, how things are supposed to be. Seeing through
these
because
we believe the lies.
because
we
the point,
could
don't
bring
trust
regardless
the
pain,
could
We truth
of whether it
bring
fear.
But
that
is
think the lies are the truth, itself But accords
the with
truth
itself is
our beliefs.
— A. H. Almaas, Diamond Heart Book I, p. 98
Frank put on the backpack, Sue attached a water bottle to her belt, a n d they started up the trail away from the parking l o t . T h e sun was bright, and the fresh smell of eucalyptus p e r m e a t e d the afternoon breeze.Two squirrels chattered at t h e m from a nearby tree, and they watched a pair of deer climb up the steep slope into the w o o d s on the right. Sue seemed fully recovered from her near accident while driving. As she hiked up the old logging road, she h u m m e d to herself. After they were silent for a while, she asked, O " D o you still love m e ? " Frank hated this question. It always seemed to c o m e up after s o m e vulnerability on h e r part and s o m e intimacy b e t w e e n t h e m . O Why the hell can V she feel it? Haven't I done enough already to show her I love her with holding, caring, and sweetness? Just for that, I feel like saying, "No, I can't stand you!" He did his best to sit on his reaction and simply said, "Yes, I do." " B u t I d o n ' t k n o w if I can trust you. I ' m afraid you were only being nice because I was in so m u c h pain. A n d anyway, I don't think I deserve to be loved." Frank could feel himself getting m o r e tense. It felt as if she wanted h i m to j u d g e her. His j u d g e happily obliged her in his m i n d . O She sounds like a sniveling, pathetic little kid, whining about how worthless she is. Well, she's right. She doesn't deserve any of what I give her! It was t e m p t i n g to say it o u t loud, but he held his tongue. r "I just can't help it. I am sure you are g o i n g to get tired of me o n e oi these days and leave.You only stay 'cause you want to help m e , b u t you must get sick of aD my problems. H o w do you p u t up with m e ? " Frank just walked in silence, but the j u d g e in his mind had an answer; > / can't stand you, and I am only waiting for the perfect moment to slip out and leave you for someone else to be your good daddy and try to convince you you're not a total jerk. Grow up! T h e t h o u g h t gave h i m s o m e kind of p e r verse pleasure, but he was m o r e aware of feeling constricted inside by the interaction with Sue. He didn't like getting sucked into this negativity in himself. Suddenly, he saw that he was b e i n g his father in response to his o w n insecurity as a child. He had felt so unsure of h i m self and constantly n e e d e d reassurance from his parents because he had no siblings to c o m p a r e himself to, only adults. He r e m e m b e r e d feeling his father's impatience and disgust with his helplessness and realized that he had c o m e to identify w i t h his father in relation to his o w n and o t h ers' neediness. Sue was a perfect partner with w h o m to play that out.
f
16 DlSIDENTIFYING
I N THIS C H A P T E R , W E w i l l b r i e f l y s u m m a r i z e w h a t w e h a v e b e e n l e a r n i n g and t h e n m o v e t h r o u g h t h e steps of t h e disidentification p r o c e s s . W e h a v e s e e n t h a t a n y p s y c h i c p r o c e s s t h a t c o n t r o l s y o u gets m u c h o f its p o w e r f r o m b e i n g u n c o n s c i o u s . T h e r e f o r e , t h e f i r s t p h a s e in regaining control of your o w n heart and mind is to make the particular process as c o n s c i o u s as possible. By b e i n g c u r i o u s a n d w i l l i n g t o b e i n t o u c h w i t h w h a t y o u are already e x p e r i e n c i n g , y o u are b e c o m i n g m o r e aware o f t h e psychic activity o f self-judgment. Self-judgment is the constant valuation of yourself according to s t a n d a r d s l e a r n e d i n t h e past. I t m a n i f e s t s a s a t t a c k i n g a n d e n g a g e m e n t . T h e m o r e y o u b e c o m e conscious o f the i n n e r activity o f a t t a c k i n g a n d e n g a g e m e n t , t h e m o r e y o u realize t h a t almost any m e n t a l activity used t o stop j u d g m e n t ends u p s u p p o r t i n g r a t h e r t h a n e n d i n g i t . T h i s i s b e c a u s e t h e effort t o s t o p t h e a t t a c k i s initially motivated
by
the
experience
of yourself as
the
victim
of the
a t t a c k — t h a t is, t h e c h i l d . B u t a s y o u h a v e s e e n , a c t i n g f r o m t h a t selfi m a g e o f t h e c h i l d - v i c t i m always leads t o s o m e f o r m o f e n g a g e m e n t . I n o t h e r w o r d s , real d i s e n g a g e m e n t r e q u i r e s d i s i d e n t i f y i n g f r o m t h e c h i l d s e l f - i m a g e s o t h a t y o u c a n b e t r u l y effective i n s t o p p i n g t h e attack. Disidentification is implicit in the process of d e f e n d i n g against a t t a c k s . A t r u e d e f e n s e d o e s n o t f u n c t i o n i n s u p p o r t o f a n y selfimage, w h e t h e r child or j u d g e . It is i n d e p e n d e n t of the m i n d . B u t w h a t does this m e a n ? A n d h o w d o y o u stop identifying w i t h w h o y o u t h i n k y o u are, w i t h t h e f a m i l i a r i m a g e s t h a t d e f i n e y o u ?
198
SOUL
WITHOUT
SHA M F
E x p l o r i n g the following approach to disidentification can help you recognize
and
support your
own
movement
toward
defending
y o u r s e l f — a m o v e m e n t b a s e d o n y o u r o w n aliveness a n d n o t y o u r identifications.
The
Parent-Child
Dynamic
I m a g i n e y o u r s e l f i n a d e p a r t m e n t s t o r e , l o o k i n g for s o m e u n d e r w e a r . A s y o u start d o w n o n e aisle, y o u o v e r h e a r i n t h e n e x t a m o t h e r arguing w i t h her child. Suddenly, y o u hear the s o u n d of flesh s l a p p e d , a n d t h e m o t h e r ' s v o i c e j u m p s a f e w d e c i b e l s : " D i d n ' t I tell y o u n o t t o t o u c h a n y t h i n g ? W h y d o n ' t y o u e v e r listen t o m e ? I o u g h t t o have y o u t h r o w n o u t o n t h e street t o walk h o m e b y yourself. I f o n l y y o u r father w e r e h e r e , h e w o u l d give y o u t h e k i n d o f s p a n k ing you deserve." T h e child is w h i m p e r i n g and s o o n breaks d o w n c r y i n g . " W h a t ' s t h e m a t t e r w i t h y o u ! " s h e s c r e a m s , " Y o u are s u c h a b i g c r y b a b y ! J u s t for t h a t w e w o n ' t g o t o t h e m o v i e s , a n d y o u ' l l stay i n y o u r r o o m t h e rest o f t h e day." T h e n e x t t h i n g y o u k n o w , t h e m o t h e r s t o m p s past, d r a g g i n g t h e c h i l d b y o n e a r m a s s h e h e a d s for t h e exit. T h e w h o l e e v e n t i s v e r y painful t o h e a r a n d see. I f y o u d o n ' t s i m p l y s h u t i t o u t a n d n u m b yourself, w h a t are y o u r n a t u r a l r e s p o n s e s t o such a situation? W h a t is y o u r u n c e n s o r e d impulse? M a n y p e o p l e w o u l d feel s o o u t r a g e d a t h o w t h e m o t h e r i s t r e a t i n g h e r c h i l d t h a t t h e y w o u l d like t o c o r n e r t h e w o m a n a n d g i v e h e r a g o o d t a l k i n g t o , even w i t h o u t k n o w i n g m o r e details—tell her to shut up and pick on s o m e o n e h e r o w n size, a s t h e s a y i n g g o e s . O t h e r s w o u l d b e m o r e i n c l i n e d t o a v o i d c o n f r o n t i n g t h e m o t h e r a n d s i m p l y slip i n a n d p i c k u p t h e c h i l d , c a r r y i n g h i m off t o a safe p l a c e — p r o t e c t i n g h i m f r o m t h e m o t h e r ' s ire a n d c o m f o r t i n g h i m . O f c o u r s e , i n real life, n e i t h e r o f t h e s e a c t i o n s i s realistic b e c a u s e s u c h a n e v e n t i s p a r t o f a l o n g h i s tory, a n d a s t r a n g e r c a n ' t g e n e r a l l y i n t e r v e n e w i t h o u t c o m m i t t i n g t o major involvement and u n k n o w n consequences. W h a t is i m p o r t a n t here in y o u r exploration is the recognition o f t h e basic i n s t i n c t u a l m o v e m e n t t o w a r d s t o p p i n g t h e a t t a c k . T h e p r e c e d i n g e x a m p l e w a s e x t r e m e , b u t i t differs o n l y i n d e g r e e , n o t k i n d , f r o m m a n y o t h e r s i t u a t i o n s w h e r e a p a r e n t loses a sense o f
Disidentifving
199
m u t u a l respect w i t h a child and resorts to b e i n g bigger and m o r e p o w e r f u l . P e r h a p s s h e says, " N o , y o u d o n ' t feel t h a t w a y ! " o r " H o w d a r e y o u talk t o m e t h a t w a y Y o u s h o u l d b e a s h a m e d o f y o u r s e l f ! " As an outsider to such a situation of parent attacking child, you natu r a l l y h a v e feelings o f c o m p a s s i o n , p r o t e c t i v e e n e r g y , a n d o u t r a g e . T h i s i s t h e basis o f d e f e n d i n g — s t e p p i n g i n a n d e n d i n g t h e i n t e r a c t i o n . Y o u are n o t s a y i n g t h e c h i l d i s r i g h t a n d t h e p a r e n t i s w r o n g a s m u c h a s r e s p o n d i n g t o i n h u m a n i t y i n t h e i n t e r a c t i o n , t h e sense t h a t s o m e t h i n g basic a b o u t h u m a n i n t e g r i t y and respect is b e i n g v i o l a t e d . S o m e h o w , t h e u n d e r l y i n g t r u t h a b o u t h u m a n n a t u r e has b e c o m e painfully d i s t o r t e d . A s a c h i l d , y o u c o u l d n o t s t o p this k i n d o f v i o l a t i o n , s o y o u b e c a m e i d e n t i f i e d w i t h t h e d i s t o r t i o n a s b e i n g p a r t o f w h o y o u are. T h e r e s u l t i s t h a t y o u are c o n s t a n t l y r e l i v i n g t h e v a r i o u s " d e p a r t m e n t s t o r e i n c i d e n t s " o t y o u r early life. D i s e n g a g e m e n t i n c h i l d h o o d w o u l d have required s o m e o n e ' s b r e a k i n g t h e d y n a m i c and p r o t e c t i n g y o u . D i s e n g a g e m e n t n o w , w h e n y o u are a n a d u l t , m e a n s n o t b e i n g identified w i t h reliving these c h i l d h o o d dynamics. I n t h e s e d y n a m i c s , y o u are i d e n t i f i e d w i t h e i t h e r t h e h e l p l e s s ness a n d w o r t h l e s s n e s s o f t h e c h i l d o r t h e c o n t e m p t a n d h a t r e d o f t h e p a r e n t . E i t h e r way, w h a t i s h a p p e n i n g i n t h e a t t a c k / e n g a g e m e n t cycle seems inevitable and u n s t o p p a b l e . T h e person identified w i t h t h e c h i l d is f e e l i n g d e f e a t e d : " ! feel so small a n d b a d t h a t I d e s e r v e t o b e p u n i s h e d , " o r " 1 feel s o s c a r e d a n d helpless t h a t I c a n ' t e v e n imagine d o i n g anything to change the situation," or "I hate you so m u c h , 1 w o u l d rather die than give y o u w h a t y o u want." T h e r e is little c h a n c e o f p e r s u a d i n g this p e r s o n t o b r e a k free o f t h e c y c l e . Similarly t h e p e r s o n identified w i t h the p a r e n t / j u d g e is feeling f r u s t r a t i o n : " T h i s c h i l d is so pitiful t h e o n l y o p t i o n is to b e a t h i m . I have to m a k e h i m b e h a v e or k e e p h i m o u t of sight so he d o e s n ' t r u i n m y life!" o r " T h i s c h i l d c a n ' t t a k e c a r e o f herself; s h e d o e s n ' t k n o w w h a t t o d o , s o I h a v e t o d i s c i p l i n e h e r till s h e l e a r n s n o t t o g e t i n t o t r o u b l e . " T r y i n g t o talk this p e r s o n o u t o f t h e a t t a c k i s like t r y i n g t o tell s o m e o n e h e s h o u l d n ' t t r y t o kill t h e a n t s r u n n i n g across the kitchen counter. I n b o t h cases, w h a t i s n e e d e d e v e n t o b r i n g i n t h e idea o f real d i s e n g a g e m e n t is a c h a n g e in p e r s p e c t i v e . U l t i m a t e l y , this m e a n s
200
SOUL
WITHOUT
SHAME
r e c o g n i z i n g t h a t t h e i m a g e s w i t h w h i c h y o u are i d e n t i f i e d are j u s t t h a t — i m a g e s ; t h e y are n o t all o f y o u , a n d t h e y c e r t a i n l y are n o t w h a t i s m o s t alive i n y o u . H o w e v e r , y o u r i n v e s t m e n t i n t h e s e i m a g e s o f yourself is well established a n d often u n c o n s c i o u s . U n d o u b t e d l y , t h e r e are m a n y g o o d r e a s o n s w h y y o u c o n t i n u e t o h o l d o n t o t h e s e i d e n t i f i c a t i o n s . R e c o g n i z i n g w h o y o u are b e y o n d t h e m c a n t a k e t i m e . I n t h e m e a n t i m e , h e r e are s o m e t o o l s t o h e l p y o u .
A
Change in
Perspective
V i s u a l i z a t i o n i s a g o o d t o o l for e n c o u r a g i n g t h e f i r s t s t e p i n d i s i d e n t i f i c a t i o n . I f y o u h a v e r e c o g n i z e d t h e early c h i l d h o o d d y n a m i c a t t h e r o o t o f a s e l f - j u d g m e n t a n d i t i s p a r t i c u l a r l y painful a n d o v e r w h e l m i n g , t r y t h e f o l l o w i n g : First p i c t u r e t h a t c h i l d (you) i n front of y o u as y o u w e r e at t h e age and in t h e situation associated w i t h that d y n a m i c . See y o u r features, y o u r c l o t h i n g if y o u can r e m e m b e r it, y o u r facial e x p r e s s i o n , y o u r b e h a v i o r . I f y o u see y o u r s e l f i n t h e m i d s t o f a n i n t e r a c t i o n w i t h a p a r e n t , f i l l i n t h e details o f t h e s c e n e . I f y o u are b y y o u r s e l f i n y o u r r o o m , p i c t u r e t h e r o o m . S e e a n d feel h o w t h a t c h i l d i s f e e l i n g a n d h o w y o u are d e a l i n g w i t h t h o s e e m o t i o n s . W a t c h i n g y o u r s e l f i n a s i t u a t i o n i n w h i c h y o u are a s h a m e d o r helpless m a y itself b e v e r y difficult o r p a i n f u l . T h e g o a l i s t o s t e p o u t side o f t h a t c h i l d e n o u g h t o see yourself a s i t y o u w e r e s o m e o n e e l s e — t o observe yourself in y o u r s h a m e or helplessness. H o w i s i t t o see this c h i l d , a n d w h a t d o e s i t m a k e y o u feel? A s i n t h e d e p a r t m e n t s t o r e fantasy, i m a g i n e h o w y o u w o u l d like t o respond to that child if y o u had t h e o p p o r t u n i t y . T h i s m i g h t include intervening in a confrontation, kicking o u t a parent, picking up a n d h o l d i n g t h e child, o r talking t o t h e child and telling h e r y o u see h o w m u c h pain she is feeling. A n y response that is a m o v e m e n t toward shifting t h e situation indicates s o m e disidentification from the j u d g m e n t l o o p a n d p l a n t s t h e s e e d s o f d i s e n g a g e m e n t . I f y o u c a n ' t feel a n y d e s i r e o r c a p a c i t y for r e s p o n s e i n yourself, s i m p l y i m a g i n e w h a t t h a t c h i l d n e e d s m o s t a t this m o m e n t a s y o u see h e r i n f r o n t o f y o u . T h e universal n e e d in such a situation, especially w i t h children, is for s o m e o n e t o see a n d h e a r t h e m , for s o m e o n e t o r e c o g n i z e a n d u n d e r s t a n d w h a t t h e y are f e e l i n g .
Disidentifj
ing
201
I n s o m e cases, p i c t u r i n g t h e s i t u a t i o n isn't e n o u g h t o b r e a k y o u r i d e n t i f i c a t i o n w i t h t h e small c h i l d ; y o u c a n n o t m o v e far e n o u g h away from t h e helplessness of t h e child a n d t h e sense of u n c h a l l e n g e a b l e p o w e r i n t h e p a r e n t . A t this p o i n t , i t c a n h e l p t o b r i n g a t h i r d p a r t y i n t o t h e s i t u a t i o n . First, c o n s i d e r i f t h e r e w a s a n a d u l t i n o r a r o u n d y o u r f a m i l y w h o w a s a s u p p o r t for y o u a s a c h i l d , s o m e o n e y o u c o u l d t r u s t w h o v a l u e d y o u a s a p e r s o n a n d gave y o u a sense o f s e c u r i t y a n d c o m f o r t . N o w , i n this p a i n f u l d y n a m i c w h e n y o u are b e i n g a t t a c k e d a n d c a n ' t p r o t e c t yourself, i m a g i n e this s u p p o r t i v e adult appearing and i m a g i n e w h a t he m i g h t have d o n e to s u p p o r t you. M a y b e he w o u l d have engaged y o u r parent in s o m e way to distract h e r from attacking y o u ; m a y b e he w o u l d have rescued y o u in s o m e way. I f this w o r k s , a g a i n y o u h a v e t h e s e e d s o f d i s i d e n t i f i c a t i o n a n d d e f e n d i n g t h r o u g h s o m e o n e else's i m a g i n e d s u p p o r t . H o w e v e r , s o m e p e o p l e didn't have any supportive adult in their life as a c h i l d , so this o p t i o n is n o t available. In this case, i m a g i n e s o m e o n e y o u feel c l o s e t o n o w , w h o cares a b o u t y o u a n d s u p p o r t s y o u , e n t e r i n g t h a t c h i l d h o o d s i t u a t i o n a n d a c t i n g o n y o u r behalf.
In
Session ?
J u d y , a y o u n g w o m a n w i t h w h o m I w as w o r k i n g , w a s i n t o u c h w i t h t h e d e e p p a i n a n d j u d g m e n t s h e h a d felt a s a child w h e n h e r m o t h e r t u r n e d a w a y w h e n e v e r s h e a s k e d for s o m e t h i n g . S h e felt t r a p p e d , a l o n e , a n d helpless a b o u t this, a w a r e t h a t h e r j u d g e t r e a t e d h e r t h e s a m e way. I a s k e d if a n y o n e h a d s u p p o r t e d h e r as a c h i l d . J u d y said u
n o . H o w a b o u t n o w ? " 1 asked. "Yes, m y b o y f r i e n d " W h e n 1 s u g gested that she i m a g i n e h i m e n t e r i n g the situation w i t h h e r m o t h e r , she burst out laughing."I couldn't help but laugh," she said,"because I was p i c t u r i n g h o w my boyfriend w o u l d n ' t have accepted that bulls h i t f r o m m y m o t h e r " T h a t s p o n t a n e o u s release i n itself i n d i c a t e d a small shift t o w a r d d i s i d e n t i f i c a t i o n , g i v m g j u d y a sense t h a t s h e c o u l d be s u p p o r t e d in that situation, that it was n o t totally hopeless. T h e v i s u a l i z a t i o n s j u s t d e s c r i b e d are b a s e d o n y o u r i d e n t i f i c a t i o n w i t h the child. W h a t h a p p e n s w h e n y o u identify w i t h the p a r e n t w h o sees n o r e c o u r s e b u t t o a t t a c k this " b a d " c h i l d ? I t i s n o t
202
SOUL
WITHOUT
SHAME
u n c o m m o n to believe y o u deserved to be punished, a b a n d o n e d , or i g n o r e d w h e n y o u w e r e y o u n g . I n this case, y o u are i d e n t i f i e d w i t h y o u r o w n p a r e n t a g a i n s t y o u r c h i l d h o o d self. F o r s o m e r e a s o n , y o u are c o m m i t t e d t o b e i n g loyal t o y o u r p a r e n t ' s v i e w o f t h e w o r l d a n d t o h o w y o u a s a c h i l d u p s e t t h a t v i e w o r w e n t a g a i n s t it. B e c a u s e o f t h i s , y o u are n o t a b l e t o r e c o g n i z e o r a l l o w w h a t e v e r feelings you may have had at the time. I f this i s y o u r e x p e r i e n c e , w h a t i s n e e d e d i s m o r e i n v e s t i g a t i o n of your childhood situation to recognize h o w your expectations and s t a n d a r d s for this c h i l d are u n r e a l i s t i c . P e r h a p s y o u w e r e c o l i c k y a s a b a b y a n d p u t y o u r p a r e n t s t h r o u g h g r e a t stress h a v i n g t o d e a l w i t h y o u , e v e n c a u s i n g loss o f w o r k d u e t o t h e c o n s t a n t a t t e n t i o n n e e d e d t o c a r e for y o u . O r m a y b e y o u w e r e s c a r e d o f t h e d a r k a n d t o o k m u c h l o n g e r t h a n y o u r siblings t o l e a r n t o s l e e p a l o n e . M a y b e y o u w e t y o u r b e d until y o u w e r e ten, a n d so y o u r parents had to get you u p n i g h t after n i g h t t o g o t o t h e b a t h r o o m . I n e a c h o f t h e s e s i t u a t i o n s , y o u are p r o b a b l y a t t a c k i n g y o u r s e l f for n o t h a v i n g l e a r n e d t o c o n t r o l y o u r s e l f b e t t e r . All t h e s e t h i n g s are b e y o n d t h e c o n t r o l o f a small c h i l d , b u t t o b e i g n o r e d , r e j e c t e d , o r u n l o v e d b e c a u s e o f t h e s e b e h a v i o r s will b e e x p e r i e n c e d b y t h e c h i l d - s e l f a s a j u d g m e n t o f w h o y o u are.
In
Session
A g n e s was u n d e r r e c u r r i n g attack from h e r j u d g e a b o u t b e i n g overly sensitive a n d e m o t i o n a l . S h e t r a c e d this a t t i t u d e b a c k t o h e r father. S h e felt a s t r o n g p o s i t i v e c o n n e c t i o n t o h i m b e c a u s e h e w a s m o r e affectionate a n d a t t u n e d to h e r than h e r m o t h e r was. H o w e v e r , as a c h i l d , s h e f i r m l y b e l i e v e d i t w a s h e r fault t h a t s h e w a s e m o t i o n a l a n d s c a r e d a n d c o u l d n ' t b e t h e h a p p y girl h e r f a t h e r w a n t e d . H e w o u l d b e c o m e sad, w i t h d r a w n , a n d d i s a p p o i n t e d i n h e r w h e n s h e w a s w o r ried or upset.This w o u l d make Agnes m o r e upset and tend to make t h e situation w o r s e . T h e result was she believed that h e r j u d g e ' s m e r ciless a t t a c k s o n h e r for b e i n g e m o t i o n a l w e r e d e s e r v e d . A f t e r all, i f h e r f a t h e r w a s s u c h a c a r i n g a n d i m p o r t a n t p e r s o n for h e r , i t m u s t h a v e b e e n h e r fault w h e n h e w a s d i s a p p o i n t e d i n h e r . H e r perspective s e e m e d to imply that her father was the o n e
Disidentijying
203
w h o n e e d e d s u p p o r t rather t h a n A g n e s t h e child. I asked h e r h o w s h e t h o u g h t a s m a l l c h i l d c o u l d b e r e s p o n s i b l e for a n adult's feelings a n d e x p l a i n e d t h a t i t w a s p e r f e c t l y n a t u r a l for a c h i l d t o h a v e s t r o n g emotions, to be frightened at times, and to n e e d to k n o w that her f a t h e r isn't g o i n g t o w i t h d r a w f r o m h e r b e c a u s e o f t h o s e feelings. A g n e s said s h e h a d e n d e d u p b e l i e v i n g t h a t s o m e b a d n e s s i n h e r m e a n t she c o u l d n ' t be w h a t h e r father w a n t e d . W h e n I told h e r that b e i n g h o w she was as a child was c o m p l e t e l y natural and that h e r father's r e s p o n s e w a s b e y o n d h e r c o n t r o l , A g n e s b u r s t i n t o t e a r s . N o b o d y h a d e v e r s u g g e s t e d t h a t b e f o r e . S h e felt a n i n t e r n a l r e l a x a t i o n a s s h e for a m o m e n t s t o p p e d b e i n g n e g a t i v e l y i d e n t i f i e d w i t h h e r child-self. r
Y o u n e e d h e l p t o r e c o g n i z e t h a t c e r t a i n c h i l d h o o d b e h a v i o r s w ere b e y o n d your control and, even if you caused y o u r parents trouble, w h a t y o u n e e d e d was compassion a n d support, n o t rejection and j u d g m e n t . W h e n y o u see this, y o u w i l l b e g i n t o g i v e y o u r s e l f p e r mission to have y o u r pain and h u r t a b o u t n o t b e i n g held, loved, and s u p p o r t e d . O n c e y o u c a n start t o i d e n t i f y w i t h y o u r s e l f a s a c h i l d , t h e visualization process can b e used t o s u p p o r t t h e m o v e m e n t toward disidentification. D i s e n g a g e m e n t relies o n c o n t a c t i n g t h e i n s t i n c t u a l e n e r g y t h a t w a n t s t o p r e s e r v e t h e n a t u r a l life o f t h e s o u l , t h e life t h a t w a s d e n i e d a n d c l o s e d d o w n i n t h e c h i l d . I n t h e face o f p a r e n t a l j u d g m e n t , t h e c h i l d g o t c u t off f r o m t h e s e n s e t h a t s u p p o r t t o b e h e r s e l f c o u l d exist either internally or in t h e e n v i r o n m e n t . In b e g i n n i n g to disidentify from t h e child, it is possible to r e c o g n i z e that the energies of b o t h s t r e n g t h a n d c o m p a s s i o n d o exist i n y o u n o w a n d c a n b e t u r n e d t o y o u r o w n soul's b e n e f i t .
Two
Kinds
of Suffering
J u d g m e n t causes t w o d i f f e r e n t k i n d s o f p a i n a n d s u f f e r i n g . O n e moves you to do s o m e t h i n g a b o u t the j u d g e , to change things. It is w h a t gets p e o p l e interested in dealing w i t h their critic. Actual freed o m from the j u d g m e n t process, however, requires getting in t o u c h w i t h t h e s e c o n d k i n d o f suffering.
204
SOUL
WITHOUT
SHAME
T h e first s u f f e r i n g i s t h e h u r t o f t h e c h i l d w h e n i t i s b e i n g a t t a c k e d b y t h e p a r e n t . A s a n a d u l t , y o u feel this p a i n w h e n t o l d b y y o u r j u d g e t h a t y o u are s t u p i d o r a failure. I t i s h u m i l i a t i o n a t f e e l i n g small a n d h e l p l e s s . I t i s t h e s h a m e y o u feel w h e n y o u b e l i e v e y o u are n o t a s g o o d a s t h e p e o p l e a r o u n d y o u . Y o u r d e s i r e t o g e t relief from b e i n g attacked pushes y o u toward dealing w i t h y o u r j u d g e . H o w e v e r , this m o t i v a t i o n u s u a l l y j u s t results i n e n g a g e m e n t — t r y i n g t o d e f e a t t h e j u d g e . Y o u w a n t t o p r o v e i t w r o n g , w i n its approval, s h o w h o w it is inconsistent or misinformed, or in the most e x t r e m e case, a t t a c k a n d kill it. T h e p r o b l e m is. y o u w a n t t o g o o n b e i n g w h o y o u feel y o u are w h e n y o u are b e i n g a t t a c k e d . Y o u t h i n k t h e p r o b l e m i s all w i t h t h e j u d g e , y o u r p a r e n t s . I f y o u c o u l d leave h o m e , you w o u l d have it m a d e . B u t y o u d i d t h a t , a n d i t d i d n ' t w o r k . R e m e m b e r , t h e c h i l d also w a n t e d relief f r o m a t t a c k s , j u d g m e n t s , a n d s t a n d a r d s , a n d t h e w a y h e g o t relief w a s t o g i v e u p p a r t s o f himself b y e n g a g i n g w i t h his p a r e n t s . H e l e a r n e d t o b e h a v e i n p a r t i c u l a r w a y s a n d feel c e r t a i n t h i n g s i n o r d e r t o m a i n t a i n a r e l a t i o n s h i p w i t h t h e m . T h e desire t o c h a n g e y o u r p a r e n t s o r g e t r i d o f t h e m m e a n s y o u w a n t t o stay i d e n t i f i e d w i t h t h e c h i l d . T h i s isn't p o s s i b l e b e c a u s e t h e c h i l d i n y o u exists o n l y in relation to the parents in you. G e t rid of o n e and you have to get rid of the other. It m a y s e e m as if t h e visualizations in this c h a p t e r focus on s u p p o r t i n g a n d p r o t e c t i n g t h e c h i l d f r o m t h e p a r e n t . I n reality, t h e y a r e d e s i g n e d t o h e l p y o u find i n y o u r s e l f e n e r g y a n d r e s o u r c e s t h a t c a n r e s p o n d t o t h a t early s i t u a t i o n i n a m o r e a p p r o p r i a t e w a y t h a n y o u c o u l d i n c h i l d h o o d . T h e child c o u l d n ' t d o a n y t h i n g b u t w h a t she d i d . N o w y o u c a n d o s o m e t h i n g different. Y o u n e e d t o d i s i d e n t i f y from the child in order to recognize those resources and stop r e s p o n d i n g o u t of that self-image. T h i s brings us to the s e c o n d k i n d of suffering in relation to j u d g m e n t . T h i s i s t h e m u c h d e e p e r p a i n o f h o w a n a t t a c k causes y o u t o identify w i t h t h e c h i l d , t h e r e b y s e p a r a t i n g v o u f r o m w h o y o u really are. O n l y after y o u h a v e e x p e r i e n c e d t h e specific a t t a c k s for a l o n g t i m e d o y o u b e g i n t o feel t h a t t h e r e s u l t i n g p a i n i s n o t a s b a d as the feeling of o n c e again b e i n g c a u g h t up in an internal d r a m a t h a t c u t s y o u off from y o u r real l i f e — f r o m y o u r o w n s t r e n g t h , joy,
Disidentifjing
205
a n d c o m p a s s i o n . I t i s n o t s o m u c h t h a t y o u feel h u m i l i a t e d b y w h a t t h e j u d g e says; i t i s h u m i l i a t i n g t h a t y o u are i n s t a n t l y t a k e n o v e r b y a n i n t e r n a l p r o c e s s t h a t forces y o u t o feel small a n d a s h a m e d . H o w i s i t t h a t y o u are s o c o n t r o l l e d b y this s e n s e o f b e i n g a c h i l d ? I n t a k i n g y o u o v e r s o c o m p l e t e l y , isn't t h e c h i l d j u s t a s p o w e r f u l a s t h e judge? T h i s s e c o n d s u f f e r i n g i s t h e o n e t h a t fuels t h e s p i r i t u a l q u e s t . S p i r i t u a l s e e k i n g i s a r e c o g n i t i o n t h a t t h e r e i s m o r e t o life t h a n w h a t y o u are a w a r e o f i n y o u r familiar daily e x i s t e n c e . Y o u sense t h a t y o u are m o r e t h a n j u s t a physical b o d y a n d t h e d r a m a o f y o u r p e r s o n a l h i s t o r y . Y o u find y o u r s e l f q u e s t i o n i n g t h e d e f i n i t i o n s o f self t h a t h a v e b e e n given to you because you w a n t to k n o w the deepest truth of w h o y o u are a n d w h y y o u are h e r e . Y o u feel d e e p p a i n i n b e i n g s e p a r a t e d f r o m t h e sense o f w h o l e n e s s a n d aliveness t h a t i s y o u r birthright. You l o n g to reconnect w i t h the depths of y o u r soul. I t i s t h e r e s p o n s e t o t h e s u f f e r i n g c r e a t e d b y this s e p a r a t i o n t h a t you were tapping into w h e n you imagined yourself in the departm e n t s t o r e a t t h e b e g i n n i n g o f this c h a p t e r . I t i s t h e m o v e m e n t b e y o n d t h e child's e n g a g e m e n t w i t h t h e p a r e n t a l j u d g e t h a t y o u are a c t i v a t i n g b y v i e w i n g y o u r c h i l d f r o m a d i s t a n c e . I n d o i n g so. y o u c a n r e c o g n i z e w h a t w a s m i s s i n g i n t h e s c e n e — t h e d e e p desire t o p r o t e c t y o u r c o n n e c t i o n w i t h w h a t i s m o s t essential i n y o u r o w n h u m a n n e s s : t h e flow o f y o u r s o u l . T o w a k e u p t o t h e life o f y o u r s o u l , y o u m u s t feel t h e w a y y o u r j u d g e k e e p s y o u r life small, t h e w a y i t c o n t r o l s y o u r feelings a n d b e h a v i o r , t h e w a y i t i s always w a i t i n g t o c o m e d o w n o n y o u . T h i s s u f f e r i n g is n o t t h a t of a small c h i l d b u t t h a t of a soul t h a t has r e m a i n e d small, a s o u l t h a t is s t u c k m o v i n g in c i r c l e s . Y o u are n o t a small c h i l d d o i n g w h a t i t has t o i n o r d e r t o s u r v i v e a difficult c h i l d h o o d ; y o u are a s o u l c o n d e m n i n g y o u r s e l f t o live o u t a n e n d l e s s p a t t e r n of d e a d e n i n g self-images. O n l y in that r e c o g n i t i o n is there t h e p o s s i b i l i t y o f r e d i s c o v e r i n g t h e soul's t r u e d e f e n s e . A r e y o u w i l l i n g t o s t a n d u p a n d b e h e a r d ? A r e y o u w i l l i n g t o s t o p t h e soul b e t r a y a l ? It's t i m e t o say t o y o u r j u d g e : " G e t t h e h e l l o u t a n d let m e h a v e m y life!" Y o u m u s t d i s c o v e r t h a t t h e j u d g e a n d its a t t a c k s , a n d t h e c h i l d a n d its h u r t s , are p a i n f u l , f r u s t r a t i n g d i s t r a c t i o n s , b u t d i s t r a c t i o n s
206
SOUL
WITHOUT
SHAML
nevertheless. T h e y prevent y o u from having the space to discover w h o y o u are n o w . Y o u c a n b e i n v o l v e d i n t h e s t r u g g l e t o d e f e n d y o u r c h i l d f o r e v e r a n d miss t h e t r u t h t h a t w i l l e n d t h a t s t r u g g l e : y o u are n o l o n g e r t h a t child a n d h a v e n o t b e e n for a l o n g t i m e . F o r g e t t i n g t h a t a g a i n a n d a g a i n i s w h a t really h u r t s .
POINTS TO REMEMBER • A n y p s y c h i c p r o c e s s t h a t c o n t r o l s y o u gets m u c h o f its p o w e r f r o m b e i n g u n c o n s c i o u s . T h e r e f o r e , t h e first p h a s e i n r e g a i n i n g c o n t r o l of y o u r o w n heart and m i n d is to m a k e the particular process as c o n s c i o u s as p o s s i b l e . •
T h e m o r e y o u b e c o m e conscious ot the i n n e r activity of attacki n g a n d e n g a g e m e n t , t h e m o r e y o u realize t h a t a l m o s t a n y mental activity used to stop j u d g m e n t ends up s u p p o r t i n g rather than e n d i n e it.
•
D i s e n g a g e m e n t relies o n c o n t a c t i n g t h e i n s t i n c t u a l e n e r g y t h a t w a n t s to p r e s e r v e t h e n a t u r a l life ot t h e s o u l , t h e lite t h a t was d e n i e d a n d closed d o w n in t h e child.
•
R e a l disengagement requires disidentifying from b o t h the h e l p lessness a n d w o r t h l e s s n e s s o í t h e c h i l d a n d t h e c o n t e m p t a n d h a t r e d o f t h e p a r e n t s o t h a t y o u c a n b e t r u l y effective i n s t o p p i n g the attack.
•
In a v i s u a l i z a t i o n p r o c e s s , a n y r e s p o n s e from o u t s i d e t h e p a r e n t child interaction that is a m o v e m e n t toward shifting t h e situation indicates s o m e
disidentification from the j u d g m e n t loop
and
p l a n t s t h e seeds o f d i s e n g a g e m e n t . •
In b e g i n n i n g to disidentify from t h e child, it is possible to r e c o g n i z e t h a t t h e e n e r g i e s o f b o t h s t r e n g t h a n d c o m p a s s i o n d o exist in you n o w and can be t u r n e d to v o u r o w n s o u l s benefit.
• J u d g m e n t causes t w o different k i n d s o f p a i n a n d s u f f e r i n g . O n e moves you to do s o m e t h i n g a b o u t the j u d g e , to change things. T h e s e c o n d k i n d o f suffering i s t h e m u c h d e e p e r pain o f h o w a n a t t a c k causes y o u t o i d e n t i f y w i t h t h e c h i l d , t h e r e b y s e p a r a t i n g y o u t r o m w h o y o u really a r e . T h i s s e c o n d s u f f e r i n g i s t h e o n e t h a t fuels t h e s p i r i t u a l q u e s t .
W' Disidentifving
207
• You can be involved in the struggle to defend your child forever and miss the truth that will end that struggle: you are no longer that child and have n o t been for a long time.
EXERCISE: LOOSENING CHILDHOOD IDENTIFICATION This exercise will help loosen your identification with your selfimage as a child. Make a list of all the ways you made life difficult for your parents w h e n you were young. Even if you were not c o n scious of doing anything to bother t h e m or make t h e m mad, know that it happened many times. Imagine what those situations might have been. • W h a t behaviors bugged your parents (bad habits, sneaky activities, special cravings, demanding attention, being silent, needing help)? Did you ever use these to your advantage to bribe or control? • W h a t kinds of power did you have in your household, and can you think of ways in w h i c h you manipulated situations to get what you wanted? • C a n you connect with the enjoyment you may have felt at wielding this power against the adults? • C a n you recognize h o w your having power may have frustrated them? If you are identified with being a brat and having gotten your way as a child, or with having been a constant problem for your parents, explore the ways in which you may have enjoyed that role and the power it carried. T h e n it might be useful to take the opposite tack and make a list of ways in w h i c h you were taken advantage of.
"Listening to you, Sue, asking me for reassurance that way and my feeling y o u r neediness, for the first time I can r e m e m b e r h o w afraid I was of my parents' a b a n d o n i n g m e . I was so aware that I didn't k n o w h o w to do things and was always asking t h e m for help and instruction. C o m pared to t h e m , I seemed so slow at everything. 1 could feel my father get impatient, and I was sure that someday he would get fed up and leave m e . I was constantly wanting reassurance that he w o u l d n ' t go away, b u t I didn't ask for it very often because I was afraid it w o u l d make h i m m o r e impatient to see me so insecure. I learned to treat myself the way he did because I t h o u g h t I must be an incredible b u r d e n to h i m . I realize I t h o u g h t that w o u l d make me m o r e like h i m and less like me." Frank's words seem to break s o m e kind of spell, and he could feel his inner pressure to be like his father relaxing. At the same time, his awareness, so focused on Sue and his i n n e r state, o p e n e d up. Suddenly, he was again in t o u c h w i t h the beautiful aftern o o n : the trees, the birds, the colors, and the shadows. He was especially aware of Sue and h o w alive and i m m e d i a t e she looked. He couldn't explain it, but the world felt very spacious, o p e n , and allowing. Sue also relaxed. " D o e s that m e a n you love m e ? " she asked in a playful tone. " E v e n if I have to ask you over and over again?" " W h o , me? Well, I don't know. I guess I have to find o u t w h o I am first if I'm n o t my father; t h e n I'll tell you if I love you. In the m e a n time, you look very lovable and mysterious. In fact, everything looks fresh and new. R e m i n d s me of h o w you were feeling on the p o r c h this m o r n i n g . Do you notice it? T h i n g s l o o k familiar, b u t as if they have b e e n washed clean. You look that way, and I feel that way. W h a t a change! O n e m i n u t e I am totally locked up reacting to you, being my impatient father a b o u t ready to tie you to a tree and gag you, and the next m i n u t e I d o n ' t k n o w w h o I am. Except that I'm feeling spacious, empty, and free of all that stuff." O What is this? Some kind of New Age he-here-now crap?You sound like a space cadet. This time, Frank heard his j u d g e as if it were a fascinating n e w birdsong, meaningless b u t striking. Sue stood w a t c h i n g h i m in his n e w state, then taking his hand, she started t h e m walking up the path. As he walked, Frank was still getting used to h o w o p e n and receptive he felt— to Sue's h a n d in his, to the g r o u n d u n d e r his feet, and to the e m p t y space in his head.
17 SPACIOUSNESS
O N E QUALITY I N Y O U R e x p e r i e n c e t h a t y o u are m u c h m o r e a w a r e of w h e n it is missing is t h e sense of spaciousness. W h e n it is there, T
y o u r life flow s easily: y o u feel r e l a x e d , s i m p l e , a n d free t o o p e r a t e i n a s t r a i g h t f o r w a r d , u n r e s t r i c t e d way. O b s t a c l e s
still
confront you
e x t e r n a l l y , b u t i n t e r n a l l y life feels n a t u r a l a n d r e l a x e d ; y o u d o w ' h a t y o u w a n t o r n e e d t o d o , s p e a k y o u r m i n d , r e s p o n d freely t o o t h e r s , a n d g e n e r a l l y feel a s e n s e o f b a l a n c e a n d a c c e p t a n c e o f w h a t h a p pens.You d o n ' t necessarily t h i n k , " I am feeling spacious"; things just feel easy. W h e n t h e spaciousness is missing, y o u have a very different s e n s e a b o u t l i v i n g y o u r lite. Y o u feel u n d e r p r e s s u r e , h e m m e d i n b y t h e c h o i c e s y o u m a k e , t e n s e i n y o u r b o d y , o r h e l d b a c k i n y o u r selfe x p r e s s i o n . T h e e x t e r n a l s o f y o u r life p u t stress o n y o u : y o u feel trapped by your schedule, your c o m m i t m e n t s , the demands of others, a n d y o u r o w n l i m i t e d e n e r g y . Y o u r j u d g e i s a c t i v e . I t i s a t t h e s e times that you find yourself consciously saying, "I n e e d space!" or perhaps, "I n e e d t i m e to slow d o w n , to relax, to take a vacation a n d g e t a w a y f r o m it all."
Inner
Space
W h a t i s this s p a c e ? I s i t s o m e t h i n g a r o u n d y o u o r b e t w e e n o b j e c t s , such that m o v i n g away t r o m things will give y o u space? Or is it s o m e t h i n g less p h y s i c a l t h a t arises w i t h i n y o u ? T h i s s p a c i o u s n e s s , t h e s e n s e o f h a v i n g r o o m t o b r e a t h e , i s i n fact a q u a l i t y o f t h e m i n d .
Soui
210
WITHOUT
SHAME
W h e n you do not feel confined by mental boundaries—limitations on what you can think, feel, and i m a g i n e — y o u feel spacious.When the m i n d is not full of thoughts, plans, and worries, it feels like quiet, empty space.When you are n o t identified with particular beliefs and ideas about yourself, w h e r e you are going, what needs to happen, and h o w to get there, you are full of open space. Spaciousness is paradoxical. You sense its impact and thrive in its presence.Yet w h e n you first turn your attention to your own spaciousness, the tendency is to experience nothing, and so you look around for something. "I have no thoughts and no feelings. I don't feel anything." You are so used to relating to objects in your awareness—ideas, emotions, sensations, m e m o r i e s — t h a t w i t h o u t t h e m , you feel there is n o t h i n g there. This is true, except that nothingness is also space. Empty space. R o o m to move. R o o m to be. T h e ground of your b e i n g — w h o you are beneath all the history and conditioning and learning and feelings—is spaciousness. Even your experience of your b o d y can be full of space. R e m e m ber, according to physics, there is a huge a m o u n t of space between every molecule and a t o m in every cell and organ in your body.What if you could be aware of that space? Your visual and tactile senses report that your body is solid, but that doesn't mean that your inner experience of it has to be, n o r that your inner experience of yourself has to be closed, limited, and solid. I am suggesting that you are most relaxed and natural w h e n you feel o p e n in your mind, not b o u n d up or c o n s t r a i n e d — a n d you feel this w h e n you are in touch with your o w n spaciousness.
Self-images
and
Space
Attacks are one of the most effective methods of shutting down space. As soon as you b e c o m e identified with the small, helpless child in you, your experience is dramatically limited. O t h e r people look like your j u d g e ; you expect to be attacked; you feel contracted and uncomfortable; your awareness is limited; and you have few options for behavior. Your self-image has completely closed you in, as though you had entered a r o o m with no windows. You feel a lack of inner spaciousness.
Spaciousness
211
A s e l l - i m a g e is like a s t r u c t u r e t h a t a p p e a r s in t h e m i n d , s h u t ting d o w n the openness. It puts b o u n d a r i e s a r o u n d t h e space a n d limits w h a t can b e e x p e r i e n c e d o r perceived. T h e j u d g e s j o b i s t o m a k e sure t h o s e s t r u c t u r e s stay t h e r e s o y o u d o n ' t g e t " l o s t i n s p a c e . " This is w h y o n e of t h e m o s t distinctive characteristics of f r e e d o m from t h e j u d g e a n d i n n e r attacks is t h e implicit sense of spaciousness. E n d i n g s e l f - j u d g m e n t
removes
a
certain
contracted
self-
d e f i n i t i o n a n d frees t h e m i n d o f r i g i d m e n t a l c o n s t r a i n t s . W h a t remains is u n b o u n d e d space. W h e n y o u disidentify from a self-image, y o u step o u t of that w i n d o w l e s s r o o m , and y o u r sense of i n n e r space returns. You m a y n o t i c e t h a t y o u c a n b r e a t h e m o r e easily, r e l a x , a n d settle i n a w a y t h a t w a s n ' t p o s s i b l e m o m e n t s b e f o r e . N o w y o u are n o t s o c o n f i n e d , l i m i t e d , o r t e n s e i n w h a t e v e r s i t u a t i o n y o u find yourself. S o m e t i m e s , y o u are s u r p r i s e d t o realize h o w t i g h t o r c o n s t r i c t e d y o u felt w i t h o u t b e i n g a w a r e o f it. Usually, y o u
consider
space
simply
a
by-product
of i n n e r
c h a n g e , a n i n d i c a t o r t h a t y o u are free o f s o m e p r e v i o u s c o n f i n e m e n t i n y o u r s e l f . Y o u c o n c l u d e t h a t s p a c e i s w h a t i s left w h e n t h e r e s t r i c t i o n s are r e m o v e d . A n d g e n e r a l l y , y o u rest for a f e w m o m e n t s a n d t h e n q u i c k l y r e s u m e y o u r b u s y life w i t h m o r e b r e a t h i n g r o o m . W h a t y o u are u n l i k e l y t o d o i s l i n g e r w i t h t h e sense o f h a v i n g s p a c e , c u r i o u s a b o u t w h e r e t h e s p a c e c a m e f r o m a n d w h a t i t m e a n s t o feel s p a cious. If you c o u l d b e g i n to recognize t h e spaciousness as a positive q u a l i t y i n y o u — a s a t a n g i b l e p r e s e n c e , n o t j u s t a loss o f c o n s t r i c t i o n — y o u m i g h t start t o v a l u e t h e o p e n n e s s a n d n o t i m m e d i a t e l y r u s h to fill it.
The
Experience
of Space
Y o u c a n sense s p a c e e v e n t h o u g h i t s e e m s n o n e x i s t e n t . H o w e v e r , p e r c e i v i n g t h e n o t h i n g n e s s o f i n n e r s p a c e i n t h e activity, c o n g e s t i o n , a n d r u s h o f m o d e r n life r e q u i r e s a s u b t l e sensitivity. Y o u m u s t s l o w d o w n o r e v e n s t o p i n o r d e r n o t t o miss it. S p a c i o u s n e s s i s r a t h e r like air, w i t h a light, o p e n , fresh q u a l i t y to it. It is g e n e r a l l y e m p t y , m e a n ing it is w i t h o u t t h o u g h t s or feelings—a wonderful quiet absence, a r e l i e f from all t h e sense of b u s y n e s s a n d i n n e r c l u t t e r . Y o u feel
212
S (_> ti L W I T H O U T
SHAME
e x p a n s i v e b e c a u s e s p a c i o u s n e s s itself has n o b o u n d a r i e s . A sense o f c l a r i t y arises b e c a u s e t h e r e are n o o b s t r u c t i o n s , n o walls, j u s t o p e n ness. S p a c e gives y o u a f e e l i n g t h a t t h e r e i s r o o m for e v e r y t h i n g . I n fact, s p a c e i s a n o p e n n e s s t h a t i s n e c e s s a r y for a l l o w i n g n e w e x p e r i e n c e . W i t h o u t a n y s p a c e , h o w c a n s o m e t h i n g n e w arise? O n t h e o t h e r h a n d , s p a c i o u s n e s s c a n c o m e i n t o a w a r e n e s s first as a f e e l i n g of e m p t i n e s s . A sense of e m p t i n e s s usually i n d i c a t e s y o u are f e e l i n g n o t h i n g i n s t e a d o f s o m e t h i n g , s o i t c a n easily b e c o m e t h e e x p e r i e n c e t h a t s o m e t h i n g i s m i s s i n g o r l a c k i n g . W h e n y o u l o o k for w h a t y o u think is missing, however, y o u do n o t e x p e r i e n c e t h e space itself. I n s t e a d , y o u e x p e r i e n c e a n u n p l e a s a n t g n a w i n g s e n s a t i o n a s s o c i a t e d w i t h t h e b e l i e f t h a t y o u are m i s s i n g s o m e t h i n g . I f y o u c a n r e c o g n i z e t h a t a belief, n o t y o u r i m m e d i a t e e x p e r i e n c e , i s m a k i n g y o u feel t h e s e n s e o f lack, i t i s p o s s i b l e t o d i s i d e n t i f y f r o m t h e belief. Y o u c a n t h e n a l l o w t h e e m p t i n e s s w i t h o u t t r y i n g t o fill it. I n this way, t h e n e g a t i v e sense o f e m p t i n e s s c a n t r a n s f o r m i n t o t h e p o s i t i v e sense of spaciousness.
Space
and the Judge
T h e j u d g e w i l l a t t a c k y o u r e x p e r i e n c e o f s p a c e f r o m different d i r e c t i o n s : " S o y o u are f e e l i n g e m p t i n e s s i n y o u r h e a d Y o u n u m s k u l l , t h a t m e a n s y o u are s t u p i d ! . . . If y o u start l o s i n g y o u r sense of b o u n d aries, y o u are a s k i n g for t r o u b l e . . . . Q u i t s p a c i n g o u t a n d g e t t o w o r k ! . . . W h a t d o y o u m e a n , y o u d o n ' t feel g u i l t y a b o u t w h a t h a p p e n e d ? . . . D o n ' t b o t h e r t r y i n g t o sense yourself; t h e r e ' s n o t h i n g t h e r e — a n d that's y o u r p r o b l e m ! " U n t i l y o u b e g i n t o r e c o g n i z e s p a c i o u s n e s s for w h a t i t i s — t h e a u t h e n t i c p r e s e n c e o t y o u r b e i n g n e s s w i t h o u t a n y c o n t e n t — y o u r j u d g e will
easily d i s t r a c t y o u
from
e x p e r i e n c e s o f o p e n e m p t i n e s s . All i t has t o d o i s call u p t h e i m a g e o f s o m e t h i n g m i s s i n g a n d y o u w i l l fill u p t h e s p a c e w i t h s e a r c h i n g and worrying! S p a c i o u s n e s s has its o w n p a r t i c u l a r p o w e r i n r e l a t i o n t o t h e j u d g e . It is w h a t is in b e t w e e n a n d a r o u n d w o r d s , objects, a n d ideas. T h e m o r e y o u are a w a r e o f s p a c e a s a n e x p e r i e n t i a l quality, t h e m o r e y o u are f o c u s e d o n t h e o p e n field i n w h i c h e v e r v t h i n g a r i s e s . T h i s
Spaciousness
213
is the opposite of content, of the narrow, focused e n g a g e m e n t w i t h the j u d g e . T h e j u d g e s message is seductive c o m p a r e d to o t h e r c o n tent, b u t c o m p a r e d to e m p t y space, it is no m o r e powerful t h a n a T V c o m m e r c i a l a n d c o n s i d e r a b l y less p l e a s a n t t h a n a n i c e p i e c e o f m u s i c . W h e n y o u are f e e l i n g s p a c i o u s , t h e j u d g e i s n o t r i g h t i n y o u r face, e v e n if it is p r e s e n t , so it c a n ' t e x e r t its u s u a l d e g r e e of p r e s s u r e . In tact, spacious m e a n s space to c h o o s e , space to ignore, or space to go around. Feeling spacious brings elements of o u r e x p e r i e n c e back into p r o p e r p r o p o r t i o n , a n d the judge's significance rapidly d i m i n ishes.
Space and the Soul To e x p e r i e n c e your o w n spaciousness is to recognize the true nature o f y o u r s o u l , a felt sense t h a t has n o t h i n g t o d o w i t h p e r s o n a l h i s tory, ideas, b e h a v i o r , o r a c c o m p l i s h m e n t s . I t i s always t h e r e b u t e a s ily i g n o r e d . I t i s t a n g i b l e a n d p o w e r f u l y e t difficult t o f o c u s o n a n d e v e n h a r d e r t o d e s c r i b e . I n fact, t h e m i n d has n o w a y t o g r a s p t h e sense o f i n n e r s p a c e . T h e r e i s n o t h i n g t o h o l d o n t o , p o i n t t o , o r t h i n k about. If y o u are like m o s t p e o p l e , it is a c h a l l e n g e to h a n g o u t w i t h a n y k i n d o f e m p t y space, w h e t h e r i n y o u r s c h e d u l e , w i t h a n o t h e r p e r s o n , o r i n s i d e y o u r s e l f . Y o u like t h e s e n s e o f ease a n d f r e e d o m t h e spaciousness brings, b u t b e i n g in direct contact w i t h the e m p t y s p a c e causes u n e a s i n e s s . T h i s i s w h y y o u usually feel t h e s p a c i o u s ness o n l y w h e n y o u are glad t h a t s o m e t h i n g i s m i s s i n g o r g o n e . T h e n y o u e x p e r i e n c e s p a c e as j u s t a r e l i e f . T h e rest of t h e t i m e , it is felt as t h e lack o f s o m e t h i n g y o u n e e d — e v e n w h e n y o u h a v e t o search for w h a t is m i s s i n g . W i t h t i m e a n d awareness, it b e c o m e s possible to accept a n d appreciate t h e e x p e r i e n c e of spaciousness in your head, your body, o r y o u r sense o f w h o y o u are. T h i s o p e n s t h e w a y for t h e sense o f barren or frightening emptiness to b e c o m e the experience of open s p a c e . W h e n y o u s t o p l o o k i n g t o r s o m e t h i n g t o fill t h e space, y o u c a n b e g i n t o see t h e s p a c e w h e r e y o u always a r e . Y o u c a n feel a n d e m b r a c e your o w n spacious nature.
214
SOUL
WITHOUT
SHAME
PRACTICE: ATTUNING TO INNER SPACE Sit q u i e t l y a n d c l o s e y o u r eyes. S e n s e y o u r a r m s a n d legs, a n d n o t i c e w h a t y o u a c t u a l l y feel. F o r a m o m e n t , f o r g e t e v e r y t h i n g y o u k n o w a b o u t w h a t s h a p e a n d size y o u r b o d y i s a n d e v e n w h e r e i t i s i n s p a c e . N o w s e n s e w h e r e t h e e d g e s o f y o u r a r m s a n d legs are; feel t h e i r s u r faces. C a n y o u feel t h e m all o v e r ? P r o b a b l y t h e r e are s o m e surfaces y o u c a n n o t p e r c e i v e a t this m o m e n t . T h i s m e a n s t h a t , i n t h o s e p l a c e s , y o u c a n n o t tell w h e r e y o u e n d a n d w h e r e t h e air b e g i n s . I f t h a t i s so, d o e s i t m e a n t h e air i s solid o r t h a t y o u are e m p t y s p a c e like t h e air? D o e s y o u r b o d y a c t u a l l y feel solid? U n d o u b t e d l y , s o m e p l a c e s feel d e n s e o r c o n t r a c t e d , stiff o r t h i c k , b u t w h a t a b o u t o t h e r p l a c e s t h a t m i g h t feel hollow- o r e m p t y , o p e n , o r j u s t n o t t h e r e ? D o this e x e r c i s e p e r i o d i c a l l y u n t i l y o u c a n b e g i n t o feel y o u r o w n i n n e r spaciousness.
Space
brings
about
our sensations, ition.
It
expansion
and our
expands
our
in
the
qualities
mental capacities. It awareness
into
new
of our
deepens
senses,
our intu-
dimensions
of our-
selves, some we would never have conceived could exist. It brings new space itself,
capacities for has
continuously
boundaries, and
the
our
perception
surprising increasing
allowing
and
and
experience.
powerful
the
ever-greater
openness
capacity and
understanding
In
addition,
of expanding dissolution
of
of ourselves
minds. — A. H. Almaas, The Void, pp. 31—32
This was definitely a day to experience Frank going t h r o u g h changes, and Sue was b e g i n n i n g to take it in stride. She had to admit that this Frank was a lot m o r e enjoyable t h a n the rather serious, predictable h u s band she was used to. She even felt herself m o r e flowing. She was always m o r e changeable than he was, b u t today she found herself going to n e w places, n o t limited to the familiar cycle of e m o t i o n s she usually e x p e rienced. Like that j o y and curiosity this m o r n i n g followed by the u n d e r standing a b o u t her shame . . . even the shift just n o w from feeling h e r neediness for reassurance. It was exciting. Sue found herself w a n t i n g to skip, and before she k n e w it, she had let go of Frank's h a n d and was skipping along the path. She couldn't r e m e m b e r w h e n she had last skipped. She felt so y o u n g and free. After a few minutes, she stopped to catch h e r breath and wait for Frank to catch up. Suddenly, o u t of n o w h e r e , a t h o u g h t p o p p e d i n t o h e r mind. O You didn't take the video back this morning, did you? I knew you'd forget it, and it was due by J 1 AM. And what about that CD you were going to return? That reminds me—you have no more cash; when are you going to ask Frank for more?You are still so dependent on himfinancially because you just can't get your massage practice to work. Sue, the successfulfailure! Sue felt barraged by the voice in her head, and if it weren't for the fact that she was stiD o u t of breath and very m u c h aware of her body sensations, she w o u l d have been completely deflated by its w o r d s . T h e y were so familiar and guaranteed to hit her w h e r e she was most v u l n e r able: issues around m o n e y and w o r k . She felt a little nauseous and diso r i e n t e d as she paced around in a circle while her breathing slowed d o w n . W h e r e normally she w o u l d have been paralyzed by this selfattack, she found herself shaking her head and stamping h e r feet in response to its incessant pressure. In h e r m i n d , she was imagining b o m b s g o i n g off, buildings collapsing, a n d ships sinking. O
Did you tell Frank that two clients canceledfor this coming week and one doesn't want to come back at all? Nobody really wants to work with you, and they won't unless you learn to be a success and believe in yourself.
T h a t was it! Standing n o w w i t h her eyes closed and fists clenched. Sue found herself shouting. " S h u t up! D o you hear me? S H U T U P ! G e t the hell o u t of here and leave me alone!" Frank appeared b e h i n d h e r and tapped h e r on the shoulder, asking in a m o c k serious tone, " W h o are you yelling at?"
18 STOPPING
SELF-BETRAYAL
A D U L T S AND O L D E R KIDS u s e d t o play a t r i c k o n m e w h e n I w a s little: t h e y w o u l d d i s t r a c t m y a t t e n t i o n a n d t a k e s o m e t h i n g f r o m m e w h i l e I w a s l o o k i n g i n t h e o t h e r d i r e c t i o n . D o y o u r e m e m b e r this b e i n g d o n e t o y o u ? T h e y l o v e d t h e j o k e , b u t for m e , i t w a s d e e p l y humiliating. As they l a u g he d at me, I stood there feeling stupid a n d f o o l i s h . M y s h a m e s e e m e d all t h e m o r e h o r r i b l e b e c a u s e I w a s y o u n g e r and trusted the older people around m e . T h e i r response to my pain was a l w a y s ' You can take a j oke, can't y o u ?" T h e y w e r e i m p l y ing that if I were strong and g r o w n - u p . the j o k e w o u l d n ' t have b o t h ered me. So I tried to " b e a g o o d sport," to play a l o n g a n d n o t be upset. A f t e r all, I w a n t e d t o b e l i k e d a n d a c c e p t e d . H o w e v e r , s o m e p l a c e i n s i d e , 1 felt 1 h a d b e t r a y e d myself, a n d I d i d n ' t k n o w w h y . B e c a u s e I believed that my strength was in b e i n g able to " t a k e it" a n d n o t feel h u r t , I d e c i d e d I m u s t h a v e b e e n b e t r a y e d b y m y c u r i o s i t y a n d trust. I figured that these m o v e m e n t s of my heart w e r e responsible for m y f e e l i n g h u r t . S o m y o w n f e e l i n g s w e r e t h e c u l p r i t , n o t t h e u n k i n d a c t i o n s o f o t h e r s . I e n d e d u p f e e l i n g less o p e n , m o r e s u s p i c i o u s , a n d m o r e sensitive t o a t t a c k . I t w a s o n l y m u c h l a t e r t h a t I r e c o g n i z e d t h a t t h e real self-betrayal w a s i n n o t s p e a k i n g u p for myself a n d saying I didn't w a n t to be treated that w a y
Engagement
as
Self-Betrayal
T h i s i n c i d e n t is q u i t e a n a l o g o u s to t h e a t t a c k i n g process we are e x p l o r i n g . I n y o u r a d u l t life, y o u r j u d g e i s c o n s t a n t l y d i s t r a c t i n g y o u
218
SOUL
WITHOUT
SHAME
with worries about w h a t is w r o n g w i t h other people, the situation, yourself; o r w i t h w a r n i n g s a b o u t w h a t t o d o , w h a t n o t t o d o , w h a t t o a v o i d , w h a t w o n ' t w o r k ; o r r e m i n d e r s o f past failures, losses, a n d d i s a p p o i n t m e n t s . T h e j u d g e s u c c e e d s a t this b y t u r n i n g y o u i n t o t h e child w h o was rightfully w o r r i e d b y these things a n d believed that your o w n weakness was the source of the problems. However, the v e r y effort o f a t t e n d i n g t o t h e s e c o n c e r n s b r o u g h t u p b y t h e j u d g e s e e m s t o c a u s e s o m e d e e p e r l o s s — t h e loss o f w h o y o u are i n t h e m o m e n t before y o u t u r n into the child. W h e n t h e j u d g e tears y o u a w a y f r o m c o n t a c t w i t h y o u r s e l f i n t h e m o m e n t , y o u are u n c o n s c i o u s l y r e l i v i n g a n o r i g i n a l w o u n d i n g i n t h e s o u l — t h e w o u n d o f self-betrayal. M a n y t i m e s i n y o u r c h i l d h o o d , y o u w e r e f a c e d w i t h a c h o i c e o f w h e t h e r t o stay w i t h y o u r o w n e x p e r i e n c e — w h a t you w e r e feeling a s t r u e a n d r e a l — o r t o t u r n y o u r b a c k o n t h a t reality a n d a d o p t t h e o n e p r e s e n t e d t o y o u b y p a r e n t s a n d family.To r e j e c t t h e l a t t e r w o u l d h a v e t h r e a t e n e d y o u w i t h r e j e c t i o n , i s o l a t i o n , a b a n d o n m e n t , a n d possibly e v e n d e a t h . Inevitably, y o u chose to accept a n d o p e r a t e w i t h i n the consensus reality o f y o u r familial e n v i r o n m e n t , s e e i n g o t h e r s a n d y o u r s e l f t h e way outside influences m i r r o r e d these things. Y o u b e g a n t o see y o u r s e l f a s c u t e , i f that's w h a t y o u r p a r e n t s k e p t d e s c r i b i n g y o u as, o r s m a r t o r b a d o r slow; M a y b e y o u felt c u r i o u s , b u t y o u r p a r e n t s called y o u n o s y ; o r v o u felt e n e r g e t i c , b u t y o u w e r e c a l l e d restless; o r y o u felt b r i g h t b u t w e r e c a l l e d t o o s m a r t for y o u r o w n b r i t c h e s . S o m e t i m e s , y o u m a y e v e n h a v e felt like a s h i n i n g star o r a w a r m c l o u d o r a solid r o c k , b u t y o u w e r e always t r e a t e d a s j u s t a small h u m a n c h i l d . E v e n t u a l l y , y o u s t o p p e d r e c o g n i z i n g t h e t r u t h o f y o u r o w n e x p e r i e n c e a n d lived m o r e a n d m o r e o u t o f y o u r a d o p t e d r e a l i t y . T h e u n a v o i d a b l e self-betrayal w a s c o m p l e t e . Self-betrayal i s a n o t h e r t e r m for t h e s e l f - r e j e c t i o n d e s c r i b e d i n c h a p t e r 4 , w h i c h w a s t h e result o f d i s t a n c i n g y o u r s e l f f r o m y o u r o w n feelings a s a c h i l d . A t t h a t t i m e , d i s t a n c e w a s n e e d e d for v o u t o s u r v i v e a n d later a v o i d p a r e n t a l a t t a c k s t h a t c o u l d n ' t b e s t o p p e d . N o w y o u are s e e i n g t h a t b y e n g a g i n g t h e j u d g e , y o u are t u r n i n g a w a y f r o m y o u r p r e s e n t reality, r e p l i c a t i n g this
original
self-betrayal.
R e s p o n d i n g t o t h e j u d g e o n its o w n t e r m s — b y d i s c u s s i n g , n e g o t i ating, placating, arguing, counterattacking—identifies you w i t h the
Stopping
Self-Bet raja!
219
past, w i t h t h e s e l f - i m a g e o f t h e d e f i c i e n t c h i l d . E v e r y t i m e y o u l o o k w h e r e t h e j u d g e i s directing y o u r a t t e n t i o n , y o u find s o m e w o r r v , p r o b l e m , o r lack t h a t y o u b e l i e v e i s i m p o r t a n t , i f n o t c r u c i a l , for d e a l i n g w i t h y o u r p r e s e n t s i t u a t i o n . B u t s o o f t e n , t h e s e c o n c e r n s are o n l y i m p o r t a n t in relation to the standards the j u d g e created l o n g ago. Y o u are d e c e i v e d i n t o b e l i e v i n g t h a t t h e j u d g e k n o w s w h a t i s really g o i n g o n n o w . A f t e r all, i t k n o w s all o f y o u r w e a k n e s s e s a n d failures, d o e s n ' t it? M e a n w h i l e , b y l i s t e n i n g a n d r e a c t i n g t o it, y o u t a k e o n t h e d e f i c i e n t c h i l d s e l t - i m a g e a n d lose t o u c h w i t h s o m e t h i n g m o r e real i n s i d e y o u . T h e m o r e y o u see this p r o c e s s i n a c t i o n , t h e m o r e y o u see t h a t i t takes y o u a w a y f r o m t h e t r u t h . Y o u are n o t a h e l p l e s s c h i l d , a n d all t h e s e w o r r i e s a n d p r o b l e m s are n o t i m p o r t a n t e n o u g h t o c o n s t a n t l y b e n d y o u o u t o f s h a p e . Y o u m a y n o t k n o w w h o y o u are, b u t y o u d a m n w e l l k n o w y o u ' r e n o t a tearful t o d d l e r , e v e n i f t h e v o i c e s i n y o u r h e a d m a k e y o u feel t h a t w a y ! I f t h e j u d g e i s p o i n t i n g t o real p r o b l e m s , y o u c a n d e a l w i t h t h e m m u c h m o r e effectively i f y o u are n o t b e i n g t r e a t e d like a t h r e e - y e a r - o l d ! D o y o u e v e r f i n d y o u r s e l f saying, " I c a n ' t b e l i e v e this i s still h a p p e n i n g ! H o w c a n I c o n t i n u e t o t r e a t m y s e l f this w a y ? W h o i s r u n n i n g this s h o w a n y w a y ? " I f so, g o o d . B e i n d i g n a n t . T h i s i s n o t u n l i k e w h a t n a t u r a l l y arises i n a c h i l d w h o has b e e n t r i c k e d o r t r e a t e d disrespectfully: "It's n o t f u r . T h a t h u r t s . I w a s j u s t b e i n g myself. L e a v e m e a l o n e ! " I t i s t i m e t o s t a n d u p a n d speak for y o u r s e l f a n d t h e t r u t h o t y o u r e x p e r i e n c e . I t i s t i m e t o a c t i v a t e y o u r essential s t r e n g t h .
The
Soul's True Defense
T h e e n e r g y for a c t i v e d e f e n d i n g i s available t o y o u t h e m o m e n t y o u recognize that your deepest nature is b e i n g constricted by the e x p e r i e n c e of b e i n g attacked. T h i s strength springs from a desire to be free o f f r u s t r a t i n g a n d l i m i t i n g i d e n t i f i c a t i o n s . S u c h a d e s i r e stirs p r o f o u n d i n d i g n a t i o n a t t h e lies, d e c e p t i o n , a n d i n h u m a n b e h a v i o r . T h e sense o f o u t r a g e a w a k e n s y o u r essential s t r e n g t h a n d w i t h i t t h e c a p a c i t y a n d c l a r i t y t o d e f e n d y o u r o w n t r u t h i n t h e face o f j u d g m e n t . U l t i m a t e l y , this t r u t h i s n o t h i n g b u t t h e i n t e g r i t y a n d alive ness o f t h e h u m a n s o u l .
220
SOUL
WITHOUT
SHAME
Essential strength is felt as red vibrant heat rising up from your belly to destroy the falsehood, the injustice, the repressive activity of the judge, w h e t h e r it is c o m i n g from another person or from inside you.This m o v e m e n t is based in compassion—a felt understanding of the hurt and limitation being suffered—and thus supports a true disengagement that will serve the humanity of all concerned. It will not wreak vengeance or act out of blind rage. This essential quality may begin as anger at the debilitating effect of self-judgment, but it emerges as an assertive strength to be yourself w i t h o u t the need for acceptance, approval, or acknowledgment of anyone else. Most fundamentally, it is the strength to be yourself without a self-image but with a sense of presence that is grounded, clear, and vitally alive. True strength is the basic instinctual energy of survival and selfprotection, w h i c h we recognized as missing or blocked in the j u d g ment process in chapter 4. N o w it is operating on a level that incorporates intelligence, awareness, and understanding of your true nature and what needs to be defended. Strength is the essential aspect that the j u d g e is most effective at b l o c k i n g — t h e part of your essence that was especially u n d e r m i n e d by the j u d g m e n t s of p o w erful adults. You as a child did not have the physical presence and capacity to e m b o d y this instinctual energy for your own protection. Even if you could have, it was dangerous to do so because you were still very d e p e n d e n t on adults for survival.That is no longer the case. N o w you can begin a vital aspect of your j o u r n e y : recovering that compassionate, intelligent vitality—the strength essence.
In
Session
Paul arrived at a session in a state of agitation after returning h o m e that m o r n i n g on a plane flight that was two hours late. He had scheduled several of his dental patients in accordance with his planned return time, but because of the major delay, he had missed those appointments. He k n e w that what had happened was beyond his control, but his stomach was still tied in knots, and he kept flipping between guilt and anger as his mind endlessly devised p e r m u tations of what could or should have happened. W h e n 1 asked him what was causing h i m to be so upset, he said
Stopping
Scij-Betrayal
it was the fact that he was late: "I have a long history of being late, and it is just not OK for me to screw up that way." "So your j u d g e is attacking you about something that wasn't your fault?" I asked. "Maybe," he said, "but I should have k n o w n better and flown h o m e last night." "Well, now you know," I said,"but isn't there enough to do getting things straightened out and going on with your work? W h y continue to beat yourself up about it?" Paul looked perplexed as he felt the pain from the knot in his stomach. " W h a t would you like your j u d g e to d o ? " I asked. "Give me a break and go away," he replied impulsively. "But I don't k n o w how to get it to do that." I suggested we do a role play. I would act as his j u d g e and talk to him the way he was doing in his head, and then he would respond to it. "Paul, you sure blew it this m o r n i n g . I can't believe you were late again. No matter what happens, you always manage to screw it up. W h y didn't you c o m e back last night? H o w do you expect to get your dentist's office off the ground if you pull stunts like this?" Paul just sat and listened. "What's going o n ? " I asked. "I totally agree with everything you said. It's all true." " H o w does it make you teel w h e n you listen to me as your judge?" "I get really tense and hold my breath." " T h a t is what's important here. W h e t h e r it is true or not doesn't matter at this point; what matters is that you are engaged, drained of your energy, and unable to pay attention to your life. R e s p o n d to your bodily experience, not to the words in your mind. Let's try again." Paul looked at me, took in a deep breath, and said, " O K , here goes. Leave me alone. It's not my fault what happened, and I'm doing the best I can." I asked him h o w it felt, and he wasn't sure. " C a n you feel h o w you were rationalizing at the e n d — t r y i n g to justify your position?" He nodded. "It doesn't work to try and convince the j u d g e to leave you alone.Try it once more, and this time keep it short and sweet.
222
SOUL
WITHOUT
SHAME
R e m e m b e r , you want to break the connection with the judge." I began the j u d g e s c o m m e n t a r y again. "Paul, you are a flake.The airline may have been late, but it was your fault, so . . ." "FUCK OFF!"
After the explosion of energy, Paul was silent. This time, his intention had been clear, and Paul was quite surprised at h o w relaxed he felt in his stomach and h o w quiet his m i n d was. He had defended himself and n o w felt disengaged. W h e n strength is present, you feel alive, awake, and prepared to take appropriate action to deal with anything that stands in the way of your living your life.This quality separates you from old self-images that might lure you into engaging with the j u d g e and also gives you the energy and capacity to stop further attacks or attempts of the j u d g e to take control. You feel a decisiveness and a clarity that cut through the j u d g e s efforts to make you feel a particular way. Disidentification and disengagement are not exclusively results of the strength of your being, but they are most effectively supported w h e n it is present. Active defending is not possible w i t h o u t it. Strength is profoundly cut off by the aggressive control of t h e j u d g e , so being willing and able to draw on this quality creates one of the most significant shifts in working with self-judgment. Strength is central in the process of being able to stand up and take charge of your own life in a real way. T h e ability to defend effectively depends on your unwillingness to live with the falseness of what is taking place and your ability to see and directly challenge your habitual self-betrayal of engaging the j u d g e . You as a child did not have the option of staying with your own truth; you were forced into self-betrayal by the need for parental support. Now, that is n o t the case: if you recognize and value what is real in you, you can stay in touch with that reality. T h e n defending against the deception is m u c h easier. However, the d e c e p tions of t h e j u d g e are subtle and seductive; they often appear to be addressing matters of survival, masking its true agenda: to seduce you away from what is true in the m o m e n t . It can be particularly difficult to recognize the attack as a distraction w h e n your sense of w h o
Stopping
Self-Betrayal
223
y o u are a n d w h a t y o u v a l u e i n y o u r s e l f i s still t i e d u p w i t h e i t h e r the j u d g e or the threatened child. All o f t h e e x p l o r a t i o n w e h a v e d o n e s o far i n t o t h e j u d g m e n t p r o c e s s has b e e n l e a d i n g t o t h i s p o i n t : t h e m o m e n t w h e n s o m e p a r t o f y o u stands u p a n d says, " E n o u g h ! " U n t i l n o w , y o u w e r e w i l l i n g to k e e p negotiating, a c c o m m o d a t i n g , and adjusting to try to get a r o u n d the j u d g e . H o w m a n y thousands o f times have y o u d o n e t h a t ? H a v e y o u h a d e n o u g h ? Y o u feel t h e l a r g e r circles o t r e p e t i t i o n that constantly b r i n g you back to the same spot w h e r e the j u d g e calls t h e s h o t s . I t i s n o t w o r k i n g , i t i s n o t w h a t y o u w a n t , a n d i t i s n o t t h e t r u t h . Are y o u ready? A r e y o u at the e n d of y o u r rope? Finally, t h e w e i g h t o f t h e t r u t h i s t o o m u c h . T h e t i m e has c o m e t o d o s o m e t h i n g different, t o b r e a k o u t o f t h e l o o p . H a v e y o u t r i e d e v e r y t h i n g else t o m a n a g e t h i n g s ? I f n o t , y o u are p r o b a b l y n o t r e a d y . T r u e s t r e n g t h d o e s n o t arise b e c a u s e y o u w a n t i t o r b e c a u s e y o u k n o w y o u s h o u l d h a v e it. I t o n l y a p p e a r s w h e n all y o u r a t t e m p t s t o o u t w i t t h e j u d g e h a v e tailed a n d y o u realize t h a t e v e n i t y o u o u t w i t t h e j u d g e , y o u h a v e failed. B e c a u s e essential s t r e n g t h u n d o e s t h e f a m i l iar, t h e cozy, a n d t h e c o m f o r t a b l e , y o u w i l l o n l y o p e n t o i t i f y o u feel y o u h a v e n o c h o i c e . O n e f o r m t h e f e e l i n g takes w h e n i t a r r i v e s i s q u i t e d i s t i n c t i v e : i f y o u d o n ' t act, y o u feel y o u j u s t m i g h t e x p l o d e . I n fact, w h e n t h a t last s t r a w finally d e s c e n d s o n t h e c a m e l ' s b a c k , t h e soul's d i r e c t r e s p o n s e will feel like a n e x p l o s i o n . W h e n s t r e n g t h i s i g n i t e d a s t h e t r u e d e f e n d e r o f t h e s o u l , its a c t i o n i s n o t p l a n n e d , o r g a n i z e d , or t h o u g h t o u t . It b l o w s t h e m i n d w i t h a force that is s p o n t a n e o u s , v i s c e r a l , e x p a n s i v e , a n d u n a p o l o g e t i c . A f t e r all, o n l y a p s y c h i c b o m b c a n d e s t r o y b o t h t h e vast a n d e l a b o r a t e s t r u c t u r e s o f t h e j u d g e s h o m e a n d y o u r h a b i t u a l r i t u a l s w i t h i n it. One
of the
most c o m m o n discomforts
o f aggressive
direct
response to t h e j u d g e is feeling that it is n o t nice a n d is even d o w n r i g h t h o s t i l e or v i o l e n t . Yes, it is h o s t i l e a n d it's not n i c e — a n d for g o o d r e a s o n : y o u are d e f e n d i n g y o u r life. I f y o u are c o n s t r a i n e d b y t h e n e e d t o b e p o l i t e a n d c o n s i d e r a t e , y o u will n e v e r r e g a i n y o u r inner freedom. It is the j u d g e that d e m a n d s those niceties toward o t h e r s w h i l e d i s r e g a r d i n g t h e i n t e g r i t y o f y o u r s o u l . Y o u must l e a r n t o p r o t e c t y o u r s e l f f r o m i n n e r a t t a c k s , a n d p e r h a p s t h e m o s t difficult s t e p i n d o i n g s o i s c o n f r o n t i n g y o u r r e l u c t a n c e t o use t h e full f o r c e
224
SOUL
WITHOUT
SHAME
of y o u r instinctual energy in defending. If y o u don't use it to s u p p o r t y o u r t r u t h , t h e j u d g e w i l l c o n t i n u e t o u s e i t against y o u .
POINTS TO REMEMBER •
E n g a g i n g t h e j u d g e i s a r e p l i c a t i o n o f y o u r o r i g i n a l self-betrayal a s a c h i l d , w h e n y o u gave u p y o u r reality for y o u r p a r e n t s ' . B y list e n i n g a n d reacting to the j u d g e , you take on t h e deficient child s e l f - i m a g e a n d lose t o u c h w i t h s o m e t h i n g m o r e real i n s i d e y o u .
•
T h e e n e r g y for a c t i v e d e f e n d i n g i s available t o y o u t h e m o m e n t you recognize that your deepest nature is being constricted by the e x p e r i e n c e o f b e i n g attacked. T h e sense o f o u t r a g e awakens y o u r essential s t r e n g t h a n d , w i t h it, t h e c a p a c i t y a n d c l a r i t y t o defend y o u r o w n t r u t h in the tace of j u d g m e n t .
•
D i s i d e n t i f i c a t i o n a n d d i s e n g a g e m e n t are n o t e x c l u s i v e l y results o f t h e s t r e n g t h o f y o u r b e i n g , b u t t h e y are m o s t effectively s u p p o r t e d w h e n i t i s p r e s e n t . A c t i v e d e f e n d i n g i s n o t p o s s i b l e w i t h o u t it.
•
T h e ability t o d e f e n d effectively d e p e n d s o n y o u r unwillingness t o live w i t h t h e falseness o f w h a t i s t a k i n g p l a c e a n d y o u r ability t o see a n d d i r e c t l y c h a l l e n g e y o u r h a b i t u a l self-betrayal o f e n g a g i n g the judge.
•
T r u e s t r e n g t h d o e s n o t arise b e c a u s e v o u w a n t i t o r b e c a u s e y o u k n o w y o u s h o u l d h a v e it. I t o n l y a p p e a r s w h e n all y o u r a t t e m p t s t o o u t w i t t h e j u d g e h a v e failed a n d y o u realize t h a t e v e n i f y o u o u t w i t t h e j u d g e , y o u h a v e failed.
B e c a u s e essential s t r e n g t h
u n d o e s t h e familiar, t h e cozy, a n d t h e c o m f o r t a b l e , y o u will o p e n t o i t o n l y i f y o u feel y o u h a v e n o c h o i c e . • Y o u must l e a r n t o p r o t e c t yourself f r o m i n n e r a t t a c k s . P e r h a p s t h e m o s t difficult s t e p i n d o i n g s o i s c o n f r o n t i n g y o u r r e l u c t a n c e t o use t h e full force o f y o u r i n s t i n c t u a l e n e r g y i n d e f e n d i n g .
EXERCISE: ASSERTING Y O U R TRUE STRENGTH T h i s e x e r c i s e i s p r a c t i c e i n r e c l a i m i n g y o u r o w n aggressive e n e r g y a n d aliveness from t h e j u d g e . I t i s n o t p r a c t i c e for h o w t o t r e a t o t h e r
Stopping Self-Betrayal
225
people (though if they are persistent in attacking you, it might be useful to say " E N O U G H ! ' ) . D o n ' t be stopped because it feels artificial or fake. Your j u d g e is the one telling you that that's a problem! This is practice. It might not feel real to begin with. If you have never stood up for yourself this way, it will feel unfamiliar and unlike you. It might even feel dangero u s — a s it you are asking for trouble, asking to be hit yourself, or even asking for G o d to strike you dead.This will make you aware of h o w m u c h prohibition you carry against being loud and strong in defending yourself. This is why you practice. R e m e m b e r , you are contacting the place in you that feels attacked just by hearing the words your j u d g e uses all the timeYou are also encouraging the recognition that you have every right to claim the aggressive energy inherent in the attack to support your own aliveness. Go for it! 1
Step 1. Ask a friend to help you practice. Step 2.
Make up a list of at least ten familiar self-attacks and give it to your friend.
Step 3.
Ask your friend to read off the attacks one at a time, allowing you to practice with each o n e . T h e delivery should be clear and strong without being vicious or nasty.
Step 4.
R e s p o n d to each attack with a clear statement designed to stop the attack. Practice using one of the following four r e s p o n s e s : ' S S S H H H H H , " " E n o u g h , " " S h u t up," o r " F u c k off!" These are increasingly strong in content, so use whichever one you c a n . T h e y are obviously not meant as an engaging response to the attacks.The goal is to stop the attack altogether. i
Step 5.
Ask your friend to repeat each attack until he is satisfied that you have really made your p o i n t — t h a t he has been stopped by your response. Feel free to use as m u c h intensity and volume as you need. G r o u n d your energy in your body.sense your arms and legs, experience the sound c o m -
226
SOUL
WITHOUT
SHAME
i n g from y o u r belly if y o u can, and allow yourselt to get b i g g e r w i t h e a c h r e s p o n s e . S t a m p i n g y o u r f o o t a s y o u say y o u r s t a t e m e n t c a n also h e l p t o g r o u n d t h e e n e r g y i n y o u r b o d y . T h i s exercise is to challenge any p r o h i b i t i o n against b e i n g b i g a n d l o u d , b u t b e a w a r e t h a t b i g g e r i s n o t necessarily b e t t e r ; t h e i m p o r t a n t f a c t o r is to c o n n e c t at a g u t level w i t h y o u r w o r d s — f u l l y i n t e n d i n g t h a t w h a t y o u say w i l l end the interaction. S t e p 6.
P a u s e p e r i o d i c a l l y a n d j u s t b r e a t h e ; s e n s e h o w y o u feel i n y o u r b o d y . D o y o u feel m o r e t e n s e ? m o r e o p e n ? b i g g e r ? t i g h t e r ? m o r e alive? m o r e s c a r e d ? n u m b ? w e a k ? s t r o n g ? h o t ? T a l k a b o u t h o w y o u feel. T r y n o t t o j u d g e a n y t h i n g you
feel
(if y o u find y o u r j u d g e g e t t i n g i n v o l v e d , say
" S H U T U P " t o it). S i m p l y n o t i c e t h e e x p e r i e n c e a n d b e c u r i o u s a b o u t it. W h a t m i g h t b e m a k i n g y o u feel t h e w a y y o u are? A t s o m e p o i n t , i t will b e c o m e clear t h a t y o u are d i r e c t i n g t h i s e n e r g y a t t h e i m a g e s o f y o u r p a r e n t s , w h o are t h e m a i n p o w e r s o u r c e o f y o u r j u d g e . M o s t p e o p l e d o n o t w a n t t o h u r t t h e i r p a r e n t s o r are s c a r e d t o b e a n g r y o r h o s t i l e t o w a r d t h e m . D o i n g this e x e r c i s e w i l l e x p o s e t h e f u n d a m e n t a l c o n f l i c t b e t w e e n a f f i r m i n g y o u r o w n life a n d b e i n g s u b j u g a t e d t o t h e i n n e r life y o u e x p e r i e n c e d w i t h y o u r p a r e n t s . Y o u are b e i n g aggressive t o w a r d a n i m a g e h e r e , n o t a real person; therefore, w h a t i s b e i n g challenged i n saying " E N O U G H " o r " F U C K O F F " has n o real s u b s t a n t i a l e x i s t e n c e . T h e o n l y t h i n g being destroyed is an image in your mind. I f y o u w e r e e m o t i o n a l l y o r p h y s i c a l l y a b u s e d a s a c h i l d , this e x e r c i s e m a y b r i n g u p difficult feelings r e l a t e d t o t h o s e e x p e r i e n c e s . T o d i r e c t l y e x p r e s s aggressive e n e r g y m a y b e s i m p l y i m p o s s i b l e a t first. M a n y p e o p l e w h o h a v e suffered a b u s e find specific h e a l i n g w o r k n e c e s s a r y t o a d d r e s s t h e t r a u m a b e f o r e t h e y are r e a d y t o d e f e n d t h e m s e l v e s a g g r e s s i v e l y I f this i s t h e case for y o u , h o n o r y o u r o w n t i m i n g and trust y o u r e x p e r i e n c e to guide you.
So, to have the correct attunement or the correct relationship to the teaching means really to risk being unfaithful to your mother. It is your superego, it is your personality, it is your unconscious that you risk. Remember that Jesus said, "Leave your parents and follow me." That s what he meant, because you are usually listening to your mother, and you try all the time to fight her—you argue,you get angry, all that, hut you still listen. That is what you listen to all the time. And, instead of listening to Jesus, people are still listening to their mothers. Jesus had nothing against mothers andfathersfesus meant you to listen to the teachings that are present in your essence, rather than listening to your superego. — A. H. Almaas, Diamond Heart Book Í, p. 201
" W h o do you think I might be yelling at? N o t you. Just my friendly, ever-present j u d g e . W o u l d you like to have h e r ? " asked Sue in a r e m a r k ably energetic voice. " N o thanks—quite unhappy enough with my own judge, thank you," replied Frank." You O K ? O n e m i n u t e you're skipping o u t of sight, the next you're raging at s o m e invisible d e m o n . " " I ' m fine." She c o n t i n u e d talking in a l o u d e r - t h a n - u s u a l voice as if she w a n t e d s o m e o n e to overhear. " I n fact, I feel finer than I have in a while. You k n o w my j u d g e is always on my case a b o u t h o w I ' m a failure and a loser and n o t w o r t h anything because I don't measure up to its standards. Well, d a m n if I didn't just get it that w h a t I am w o r t h hasn't got a fucking t h i n g to do w i t h old judge-face. I t h i n k we should call it H a m m e r h e a d , 'cause that's the way it feels. W h a t do you t h i n k ? " She s w u n g h e r arms around a n d stamped h e r feet again for g o o d m e a sure. "It just swings that gavel and p o u n d s on my head!" " O o o h , I like you w h e n you get h o t and alive and fit to be fried! Go kick its butt, h o n e y . . . old H a m m e r h e a d ! " Frank was fascinated. Sue swaggered a bit as she t o o k some deep breaths and hissed a few times. At that m o m e n t , a b r i g h t ray of afternoon sun broke t h r o u g h an o p e n i n g in the trees and fell on her face, giving h e r a golden glow as she closed her eyes from the brilliance. She stood still and felt the sun's w a r m t h on her s k i n . " M m m , I like that." After a few m o m e n t s , the sun m o v e d on, b u t Sue c o n t i n u e d to stand w i t h her eyes closed, sensing herself. She and Frank stood on the path in silence for several minutes, listening to the sounds of the late afternoon. "You know, I feel as if I am e x p e r i e n c i n g my o w n sense of value for the first time," she c o m m e n t e d quietly."It's like a sweet b r o w n molasses in my chest, so delicious, and it's me." H e r eyes were closed, and she spoke w i t h the gentlest intimacy, k n o w i n g that Frank was there with her. In the most inexplicable way, she felt absolutely clear that she b e l o n g e d here, that she was h o m e . It was not h o m e in a physical sense b u t in the awareness that h e r simple presence in h e r life at this m o m e n t had implicit value and meaning. She was no m o r e and no less than anything else in the universe, b u t she was herself, and h e r i n h e r e n t value was precious. Sue o p e n e d h e r eyes and l o o k e d w i d e - e y e d at Frank, with an u n u s u ally intense sense of discovery a b o u t h e r . " I am pure value," she p u r r e d .
19 VALUE
V A L U E IS A QUALITY that refers to worth or significance. It is the elem e n t that determines the degree of meaning or satisfaction in your life and how m u c h importance you give to the people,things, and situations in it.Value is an underlying element in your experience that clearly affects h o w you live, yet you never consider it an experiential quality in itself. You seldom think about it as separate from what seems to have value. You refer to value as a characteristic of certain objects, relationships, events,choices,or concepts. Or else you believe it is an abstraction used to compare the relative importance of different things and experiences: some have m o r e value than others. Value is an expression of what an object or experience means to you, either by itself or in relation to other things. As a property of an object, value can vary over time or even pass from one object to another (for example, for many people, voice mail has acquired the value once held by the answering machine). As an abstraction, it appears to exist in the mind as a tool for describing and assessing e x p e rience. Does value originate in your experience or first arise m your mind? H o w do you take on value at certain times and lose it at o t h ers? W h a t does it mean that you can feel valuable? Does value have an existence independent of mind and its evaluation and comparison?
The
Measure
of Value
In Western culture, there is general agreement that value is received, derived, or created through good fortune (talents, looks, inheritance), hard work, schooling, acceptance by others, therapy.
230
S o u i.
WITHOUT
SHAME
meditation, inner work, and on and on. It doesn't matter h o w it comes.The unshakable belief everyone carries is that you must earn value, be given it, be blessed with it, or in some way receive it. It isn't there as a natural birthright. This is where your history and the j u d g e c o m e in. Like everyone else, your parents believed in value as an acquired quality, so they did not recognize or mirror your o w n inherent value. T h e y undoubtedly were aware of it but attributed it to something other than w h o you were as a h u m a n soul.The inability to recognize their o w n inherent value makes it very difficult for parents to accept its implicit presence in anyone else, even their own children. As a result, you got a clear message that value was achieved in certain ways, by meeting certain standards. If you didn't meet those standards or engage in the prescribed activities, you came to believe you were not as valuable. From then on, you measured your value according to those standards.The real problem, however, is that you came to see yourself as something other than your soul nature. Value is an essential part of that nature. W h e n you are experiencing yourself as the true nature of the soul, you have value and you arc value. W h e n you are identified with something other than your soul nature, you do not experience having value, m u c h less being it. So ultimately, it was giving up your recognition of your true nature that cut you off from k n o w i n g your own value. Your j u d g e has developed many different standards and beliefs about the parts of your life that are valuable, but its overriding principle that has dominated your life is that you are not intrinsically valuable. You must get value in ways other than just being w h o you are. As long as you believe this, the j u d g e will have a strong influence over you. If you don't accept the j u d g e s position, then your task is not to learn h o w to value yourself but to u n d e r stand why you don't see your o w n inherent value. You don't have to make something happen. You simply need to be curious and explore the fact that you value anything but yourself. Each time you turn toward something else as the source of your value in the m o m e n t , you must ask why. H o w did you learn to value s o m e thing else m o r e than your own being?
Value
Life
231
Lessons
Stephan always had a passion tor building things, so it was natural that he would make his living as a cabinetmaker. He loved what he did and preferred working with his tools and his transformations in w o o d more than almost any other activity. Stephan felt incredibly blessed that people would pay him for doing something that he found so rewarding. His j u d g e agreed: "You are one lucky person, and it sure helps that other people are tuned in to h o w good you are at this stuff. ' His value in life felt synonymous with the joy he felt in crafting w o o d into new living forms. 1
Stephan was only twenty-four w h e n he w o n his first major award in a national cabinetmaking competition. His internal j u d g e was happy: " H o t shit, Stephan, it's about time the world caught on to what you do!'* His work was featured on the cover of two trade magazines,and his reputation spread across the country. He was n o w in great demand and soon realized there was no way he could fulfill all the requests for his work.This was a n e w and unsettling e x p e rience. For the first time, he could, and even felt obliged to, charge high prices for his work. "Hey, what's the problem? This is what you've been waiting for," said his judge. "Appreciation and the money to show tor it." But how should he choose which jobs to accept? His j u d g e debated with him every step of the way. Should he select those that were most interesting to him? "Maybe, but let's not be too hasty in making decisions." Stephan had never paid attention to the people w h o bought his work, m u c h less to where his pieces might end up being placed or seen. Should he consider only those jobs that would make more m o n e y or garner more attention? K n o w i n g what was important didn't seem as simple and clear as it used to. Stephan was intrigued by an offer from R i c h a r d Gibson, a h o t u p c o m i n g Hollywood star, though he was intimidated at the t h o u g h t of dealing with s o m e o n e with that m u c h fame and m o n e y But he managed to put in a call to Gibson's agent and arranged to talk to the star himself. After he and R i c h a r d hit it off on the p h o n e , Stephan had the courage to make a request: "I would like to c o m e see w h e r e my piece would go so I can choose the appropriate w o o d
232
SOUL
WITHOUT
SHAME
and style to match your house." R i c h a r d was happy to oblige, and the agreement was completed. Stephan felt clearer in himself from this interaction; he hadn't lost his self-worth in the face of fame and wealth, while recognizing the value ot his o w n experience and capacity. His j u d g e tried to put a different spin on what he'd done: "Smart move. You really showed him who's boss. Can't let t h e m k n o w you are intimidated by all that money." After that, Stephan decided to work only for high-profile customers. This satisfied the part of h i m that liked recognition and financial rewards; he came to believe these meant his w o r k was of good quality. He hadn't realized before that the approval of i m p o r tant people affected his sense of value. As the years passed, he felt certain that his reputation was established and would carry him through tough times. Three years later, the fashions of the wealthy took a sudden turn, and handcrafted w o o d was out. W i t h i n weeks, his reputation was m o r e of a hindrance than a help. Stephan's pieces were taking so long to do because of their high-quality craftsmanship that fewpeople were willing to wait tor one. Orders were canceled, and Stephan started to get anxious. For a single man, this was bearable, but Stephan had recently married, and his wife, Pam, was pregnant. His j u d g e was not very sympathetic: "Great t i m i n g — g e t t i n g m a r ried just w h e n the bucks run out. But, hey, are you going to let the wdiims of the rich and famous continue to r u n your life? Let's get real. E n o u g h of these fancy, arty pieces. Start t u r n i n g out furniture. It's time to make m o n e y " Stephan went into a major depression. For the first time in his life, he was questioning his self-worth: his work and its success had always been what was important to him. Almost overnight, he was no longer a success, the m o n e y was drying up, and he wasn't sure w h e t h e r his w o r k had any real value. His j u d g e tended to agree: "You aren't good for anything except making furniture, and it's just wood, so get d o w n off your high horse, climb out of your hole, and start making m o n e y to support your family" Somehow, it didn't feel right to turn his back on his artistic creativity to focus on utilitarian production. But now m o r e than ever, he had to work. He had
Value
233
to put energy into something that felt meaningless, something that made him feel like a failure. At the same time, Stephan had c o m e to realize that his life was m o r e than his work. Being a husband and b e c o m i n g a father were important now, m o r e so than making furniture. W h i l e his wife and future child felt priceless to him, he wondered if he was of any value to t h e m beyond the m o n e y he could make with his hands. He felt worthless, tired, and withdrawn and had a hard time concentrating. Pam had met him at the height of his success, and he feared her disappointment. He found it difficult to face her, as he tried to hide his internal collapse. Stephan was feeling hopeless and despairing of ever finding a true source of value—value that would feel real and lasting. In this story, Stephans life went through many changes in relation to value. Initially, he valued the feeling he got from doing his work. T h e n , as he became more professionally successful, he began to value the rewards of his work: money, reputation, and a sense of worth based on the attention of others. At one point, he affirmed his belief in his own capacities, but that belief w as not tested until his fortune t u r n e d . T h e t u r n i n g coincided with experiencing a shift in value from work to relationship and family.The combination was too m u c h for h i m to integrate, and his belief in himself dissolved. We left him painfully reconsidering his previous ideas about value and not liking what was exposed. O n e dimension of maturing is the continual transformation in what we feel is important in life—changes in value. For Stephan, his sense of value shifted from discovering his own capacities, to the rewards he could achieve, to the power he could exert, and eventually to the family he hoped to create. For most people, the focus in early adulthood on capacity, productivity, and possessions (with a healthy dose of concern for the response of others) tends to shift to an emphasis on m o r e internal qualities such as responsibility, caring, satisfaction, gratitude, and support for others. Sometimes, this shift in values, w h e n not fully understood, contributes to the experience of midlife crisis. However, over time, the natural deepening of what r
234
SOUL
WITHOUT
SHAME
I S v a l u e d c r e a t e s a g r e a t e r s e n s e o f stability a n d c e n t e r e d n e s s i n w h i c h o n e feels less a t t h e m e r c y o f life's c h a n g e s .
The Judge
Controls
Self-Esteem
M o s t p e o p l e ' s s e n s e o f v a l u e a n d s e l f - e s t e e m lacks t h i s i n n e r c e n t e r ; i t f l u c t u a t e s a c c o r d i n g t o t h e u p s a n d d o w n s o f life. S t e p h a n s s e n s e of personal value was c o m p l e t e l y subject to changes in external c o n d i t i o n s : w h e n t h i n g s w e r e g o i n g w e l l , h e v a l u e d himself, a n d w h e n t h e t i d e c h a n g e d , h e c r a s h e d . D u r i n g t h e c o u r s e o f his c h a n g i n g f o r tunes, t h e j u d g e played a m e r c e n a r y role. R a t h e r than b e i n g a steadying force to g r o u n d h i m as circumstances c h a n g e d , it c h e e r e d h i m o n d u r i n g t i m e s o f success a n d c h i d e d h i m w h e n things w e n t p o o r l y . B y t h e e n d o f t h e story, his s e n s e o f s e l f - w o r t h h a d y e t t o d e v e l o p a n y i n t e r n a l stability. T h e j u d g e m e r c i l e s s l y d i c t a t e s s t a n d a r d s a n d ideas a b o u t w h a t gives y o u v a l u e a n d w h a t d o e s n ' t . I t i s m o r e loyal t o t h o s e s t a n d a r d s t h a n i t i s t o y o u . I t i s c o n v i n c e d t h a t y o u r s e l f - w o r t h c a n feel s e c u r e only if you measure u p — a n d continue to measure up. T h e j u d g e b e l i e v e s t h a t all w i l l b e lost i f y o u d o n ' t , s o i t m o t i v a t e s y o u , r e w a r d s y o u , c h i d e s y o u , p u n i s h e s y o u , e n c o u r a g e s y o u , rails a g a i n s t y o u , all i n a n effort t o k e e p y o u f o c u s e d o n its set o f v a l u e s . I f y o u d o n ' t m e e t t h e s t a n d a r d s o r d e c i d e t h e y a r e n o t i m p o r t a n t , i t tells y o u t h a t y o u are w o r t h l e s s . A n d t h e r e i s n o w o r s e fate t h a n f e e l i n g w o r t h less. T h u s , y o u r s e l f - e s t e e m i s c o n s t a n t l y m a n i p u l a t e d b y t h e j u d g e . A n d y o u a c c e p t its v e r d i c t , b e l i e v i n g t h a t i s t h e o n l y w a y t o a v o i d feeling a terrifying sense of no value. T h e i r o n y is that, t h o u g h t h e feeling of worthlessness is painful a n d d i s t u r b i n g , i t d o e s n o t h a v e t h e s i g n i f i c a n c e t h e j u d g e says i t does. Feeling you have no value does n o t m e a n there is s o m e t h i n g terribly w r o n g or that y o u actually have no value; it simply m e a n s y o u h a v e lost t o u c h w i t h y o u r v a l u e . Y o u c a n ' t not h a v e it: y o u are value. It is part of the substance of y o u r soul. B u t before y o u can r e c o n n e c t w i t h y o u r i n h e r e n t v a l u e , y o u m u s t feel w h a t it's like t o h a v e lost t o u c h w i t h it. T h i s i s t h e state S t e p h a n f i n d s h i m s e l f i n a t t h e e n d o f his story. H e m u s t feel t h e d e s p a i r a n d h o p e l e s s n e s s , t h e meaninglessness and e m p t i n e s s . T h e question is w h e t h e r he will be
Value
235
able t o s t o p his j u d g e ' s a t t a c k s s o h e c a n o p e n t o t h o s e feelings. T h e b i g g e s t b a r r i e r s t o a l l o w i n g t h e n o - v a l u e f e e l i n g are t h e v i c i o u s a t t a c k s o f t h e j u d g e t e l l i n g y o u h o w b a d a n d d i s g u s t i n g y o u are for feeling worthless. B u t b e i n g willing t o e x p e r i e n c e w i t h o u t j u d g m e n t h o w i t i s t o feel t h a t y o u are w i t h o u t v a l u e i s t h e d o o r w a y t o t r u l y v a l u i n g w h o y o u are.
The True Source of Value W e are n o w a p p r o a c h i n g S t e p h a n ' s final q u e s t i o n : W h a t i s t h e t r u e source of value? We have seen that it can s e e m to c o m e from certain g o o d feelings (capacity, j o y i n c r e a t i n g n e w w o r k ) ; a t o t h e r t i m e s f r o m specific activities, p o s s e s s i o n s , o r a c c o m p l i s h m e n t s ( q u a l i t y c a b i n e t m a k i n g , m o n e y , n a t i o n a l a w a r d ) . S o m e t i m e s , v a l u e s e e m s t o arise a s a result o t m e e t i n g social o r p e r s o n a l s t a n d a r d s ( s t a n d i n g u p for w h a t y o u b e l i e v e ) o r t a k i n g o n c e r t a i n roles i n life ( h u s b a n d , f a t h e r , c a b i n e t m a k e r ) . M o s t often, value seems given to y o u t h r o u g h t h e a p p r e c i a t i o n a n d a p p r o v a l o f t h o s e y o u love, a d m i r e , a n d d e p e n d o n . Clearly, y o u c a n feel a s e n s e o f v a l u e f r o m a n y o f t h e s e t h i n g s — o r f r o m n o n e o f t h e m . W h a t i s s t r i k i n g i s h o w easily t h e s e " s o u r c e s " of value c h a n g e . Value seems c o m p l e t e l y relative—always d e p e n d e n t o n w h e r e y o u are i n y o u r life, w h a t y o u are d o i n g , a n d howt h i n g s are g o i n g . I t i s b e c a u s e o f y o u r b e l i e f t h a t v a l u e lies o u t s i d e o f y o u t h a t y o u a b a n d o n yourself, t u r n y o u r b a c k o n y o u r o w n t r u t h , a n d listen t o y o u r j u d g e . T h i s b e l i e f i s t h e s o u r c e o f t h e seltbetrayal that is revealed as y o u p u r s u e y o u r process of self-discovery F r o m this p e r s p e c t i v e , t h e j o u r n e y o f i n n e r u n f o l d m e n t b e c o m e s successful t h e m o r e y o u are able to v a l u e y o u r s e l f regardless, of what is going on in your life.You m u s t l e a r n to v a l u e w h o y o u are m o r e t h a n w h a t y o u d o , w h o m y o u k n o w , h o w y o u feel, w h a t y o u t h i n k , a n d h o w y o u b e h a v e . O n l y i n this w a y w i l l y o u f i n d t h e m o t i v a t i o n t o b e y o u r s e l f fully a n d d e e p l y , n o m a t t e r w h a t . H o w e v e r , t h e m o r e y o u are a b l e t o r e c o g n i z e a n d c o n n e c t w i t h y o u r t r u e n a t u r e , t h e m o r e y o u realize t h a t t h e r e i s n o a c t i o n y o u c a n t a k e t o v a l u e yourself. V a l u e i s n o t s o m e t h i n g o v e r w h i c h y o u h a v e c o n t r o l n o r s o m e t h i n g y o u c a n assign t o yourself. I t i s p a r t o f t h e v e r y n a t u r e o f w h o y o u are. W h a t f r o m o n e p e r s p e c t i v e l o o k s
236
SOUL WITHOUT
SHAME
like a m a t u r i n g of p e r s o n a l values t o w a r d t h e d e e p i n n e r n a t u r e of t h i n g s is, f r o m a n o t h e r p e r s p e c t i v e , s i m p l y a n u n c o v e r i n g o f t h e t r u t h a b o u t reality. A s y o u c l e a r a w a y t h e o p i n i o n s , p r e f e r e n c e s , a n d j u d g m e n t s about yourself and m a k e contact w i t h the direct e x p e r i e n c e o f b e i n g i n t h e m o m e n t , y o u find t h a t t h e e x p e r i e n c e o f b e i n g yourself is inherently valuable and each m o m e n t of living is i m p l i c itly m e a n i n g f u l . S t e p h a n gives v a l u e t o all t h e e x t e r n a l m a n i f e s t a t i o n s h e i d e n tifies w i t h v a l u e , w i t h o u t r e c o g n i z i n g t h a t h e i s t h e s o u r c e o f v a l u e . This is the activity of projection, in w h i c h a part of one's o w n e x p e rience is d i s o w n e d and instead e x p e r i e n c e d as b e l o n g i n g to s o m e one
o r s o m e t h i n g else. B u t
that value
he projects
outward
is
n a t u r a l l y p r e s e n t i n h i m n o m a t t e r w h a t h e i s o r isn't d o i n g b e c a u s e i t i s i n h e r e n t i n w h o h e is. H i s j o y i n c r e a t i n g i s full o f v a l u e b e c a u s e S t e p h a n i s e x p e r i e n c i n g t h a t j o y , a n d his v a l u e infuses t h e e x p e r i e n c e o f j o y . Similarly, his w o r k i n g for f a m o u s p e o p l e feels v a l u a b l e , his m a k i n g m o n e y feels v a l u a b l e , a n d his s t a n d i n g u p for his c a p a c ity' feels v a l u a b l e b e c a u s e his o w n v a l u e infuses t h e s e e x p e r i e n c e s . H o w e v e r , Stephan's e x p e r i e n c e of value is controlled by w h a t he l e a r n e d g r o w i n g u p : that value is a result of c e r t a i n e x t e r n a l c o n ditions. Consequently, he experiences it only in the context of particular
situations
and
then
attributes
the
feeling
of w o r t h
or
s e l f - e s t e e m t o t h o s e s i t u a t i o n s . H i s h i s t o r y has d e t e r m i n e d t h a t o n l y i n t h o s e c o n t e x t s c a n h e e x p e r i e n c e his o w n v a l u e .
Knowing True
Value
W h a t i s n e e d e d i s t o b e g i n t o e x p e r i e n c e v a l u e a s a state o f b e i n g y o u c a n feel a n d k n o w i n y o u r s e l f d i r e c t l y A t s o m e m o m e n t , y o u have e n c o u n t e r e d t h e distinct flavor of feeling w o r t h w h i l e , feeling t h a t y o u m a t t e r , t h a t s o m e t h i n g i n y o u r v e r y e x i s t e n c e has v a l u e . T h o u g h it might b e c o m e apparent in response to some person, e v e n t , o r activity, this i n t i m a t e f e e l i n g g e n u i n e l y e x p r e s s e s y o u r t r u e n a t u r e r e g a r d l e s s o f t h e s i t u a t i o n . I t arises i n t h e h e a r t a s a s w e e t , v e l v e t l i q u i d like a l u s c i o u s , a m b e r n e c t a r . V a l u e h a s a p r e c i o u s n e s s a n d a richness that is b o t h light and substantial at the same time. W h e n e x p e r i e n c e d , this q u a l i t y gives y o u a s e n s e o f h o m e a n d a f e e l i n g
Value
237
t h a t y o u h a v e a r i g h t t o b e h e r e b e c a u s e y o u are m a d e o f t h e s a m e essential s u b s t a n c e a s e v e r y t h i n g else i n t h e u n i v e r s e . B y its n a t u r e , t h a t s u b s t a n c e i s o f v a l u e a n d m u s t b e r e c o g n i z e d , s u p p o r t e d , a n d t r e a s u r e d . Y o u realize t h a t t h e loss o f this s e l f - k n o w i n g i s w h a t causes y o u s u c h p a i n a s y o u g e t c a u g h t u p i n t h e j u d g e ' s beliefs a b o u t w h a t i s w o r t h w h i l e . T h e e x p e r i e n c e o f v a l u e i s i n t i m a t e a n d p e r s o n a l ; i t affirms y o u r b e i n g w i t h a p u r e k n o w i n g t h a t y o u b e l o n g a n d are w e l c o m e d b y life.To k n o w y o u r s e l f this w a y d i s solves m u c h o f t h e m o t i v a t i o n for e v e n p a y i n g a t t e n t i o n t o t h e judge. W h y bother? Value is t h e e x p e r i e n c e of y o u as meaningful presence. T h e m o r e y o u taste this h e a r t quality, t h e m o r e y o u realize i t i s a t t h e v e r y c e n t e r o f e v e r y m o m e n t o f y o u r life. I t i s t h e r e w a i t i n g t o b e revealed at the heart of every t h o u g h t , feeling, action, role, or e x p e r i e n c e t h a t arises o u t o f y o u . T h e v a l u e r e m a i n s n o m a t t e r w h a t f o r m y o u r life takes. I t i s t h e n a t u r e o f w h o y o u are.
PRACTICE: EXPLORING VALUE As we have seen, e x p e r i e n c i n g value is m o r e a b o u t p e e l i n g away layers o f b e l i e f t h a n actively t r y i n g t o c h a n g e a n y t h i n g . Y o u r s e n s e o f v a l u e p e r m e a t e s h o w y o u live, s o i t i s useful t o b r i n g m o r e a t t e n t i o n t o s e e i n g t h r o u g h y o u r beliefs a b o u t w h a t i s v a l u a b l e . T h e p r a c t i c e t o s u p p o r t this i s b r i e f a n d s i m p l e , a n d b e s t d o n e w h e n e v e r p o s s i b l e . T h r o u g h o u t y o u r day, p a u s e a n d ask yourself: " W h a t a m I d o i n g ? W h a t a m I v a l u i n g t h a t m a k e s m e d o this? W h e r e d i d I l e a r n t o v a l u e this? W h a t r e l a t i o n s h i p d o e s this v a l u i n g h a v e t o m y s e n s e o f m y o w n v a l u e ? " A n y t h i n g y o u are d o i n g c a n b e t a k e n o n several different levels: a s p e r f o r m i n g a p h y s i c a l a c t i v i t y i n t h e m o m e n t , c a r r y i n g o u t a c o u r s e o f a c t i o n o v e r t i m e , p l a y i n g o u t a r o l e i n a social flow, pursuing an intention to make something happen, or even acti n g to m a i n t a i n a p a r t i c u l a r sense of s e l f B e c a u s e v a l u e is a t a c t o r t h r o u g h all levels o f e x p e r i e n c e , y o u c a n d o t h e p r a c t i c e i n r e l a t i o n t o a n y level. T h i s p r a c t i c e i s p a r t i c u l a r l y useful w h e n y o u are e n g a g ing the j u d g e because the j u d g e s p o w e r is based on a particular standard of valuation.
An h o u r later, as Frank and Sue were heading back to the car in the gathering dusk, they discussed w h a t to do a b o u t dinner. Sue began, O "I feel frustrated because I k n o w you w o n ' t w a n t to go o u t tonight since we ate o u t on Wednesday." "So, let's see," Frank responded in an amused t o n e . "You are telling me you w a n t to go o u t to eat, but rather than just say it and be a responsible participant here, you are m a k i n g me o u t to be y o u r father w h o w o n ' t let you have w h a t you want. I k n o w because you m a d e me feel guilty." O "Well, isn't it true that you don't w a n t to go o u t ? " she repeated aggressively, i g n o r i n g w h a t he said. T h e a m u s e m e n t left Frank's face as he c o n t i n u e d walking. " S u e , I ' m feeling manipulated here. I don't like your telling me w h a t I am feeling. I d o n ' t want to play this game. If I say yes, you win because I'm the o n e saying no to w h a t you want. If I say no, you w i n because you get to go o u t w i t h o u t having to ask for it. What's g o i n g o n ? " He s o u n d e d exasperated. Sue walked on in silence, w a t c h i n g the clouds on the h o r i z o n . T h e n she t u r n e d back to Frank. "You're right. I want to go out, and I feel guilty a b o u t spending money. I feel ashamed I'm n o t m a k i n g e n o u g h to stop w o r r y i n g about it. I guess I ' m trying to deal w i t h my resentm e n t that I d o n ' t have money, that I ' m n o t able to make money, and O that I m a r r i e d s o m e o n e w h o doesn't make e n o u g h m o n e y either!" " D a m n , w o m a n , no w o n d e r you're angry. I understand. I'm such a p o ' boy w h o barely keeps us fed. Why, just yesterday I felt blessed by heaven 'cause I found a quarter on the street. H e r e , I surely t h i n k it's right that you have it." W i t h that he reached in his pocket, pulled o u t his wallet, and began fishing inside. "Let's see, was this it?" He pulled a quarter out, looked at it, and put it in h e r hand. " N o , maybe this was it." A n d he p u t a n o t h e r in her hand. " B u t it m i g h t have been this one." He added that o n e . "You know, I really can't r e m e m b e r . I guess I'll just have to give you all of it." A n d he emptied all of his change into h e r hand. W i t h a big smile on his face, he l o o k e d at her and said, " M a y b e it will be e n o u g h to go to B u r g e r King." Sue's j u d g e could n o t h o l d still. O He's making fun of you. You are a sucker if you buy that crap! Sue r e t u r n e d Frank's smile. "You know, I keep smelling a j u d g e around here. It's time we leave. A n d I accept your gracious offer, b u t I'd rather have a b u r r i t o than a burger. H o w a b o u t it?"
V
2 0 DEFENDING
AGAINST
JUDGMENT
Y o u ARE N O W B E G I N N I N G t o d e f e n d a c t i v e l y a g a i n s t t h e j u d g e . Y o u have recognized y o u r identification w i t h self-images of b o t h child a n d p a r e n t i n the j u d g m e n t l o o p a n d c o n s i d e r e d ways o f l o o s e n i n g t h o s e identifications. You have c o n t a c t e d y o u r d e e p desire n o t t o betray yourself t h r o u g h e n g a g i n g w i t h t h e attacks a n d e x p l o r e d w h a t i t m i g h t feel l i k e for y o u r t r u e s t r e n g t h t o s u p p o r t y o u . N o w is a decisive m o m e n t w h e n y o u can break t h e l o o p of attack a n d e n g a g e m e n t a n d step away from y o u r l o n g history of self-judgment. T h i s step m u s t be taken over a n d over again. You m u s t find the strength and clarity to d e f e n d yourself in different ways, at different t u n e s , w i t h different attacks. N o w it is t i m e to l o o k m o r e closely at this basic a c t i v i t y o f d e f e n d i n g : t h e i m m e d i a t e a c t i v e steps y o u c a n take to repel an attack in o r d e r to go on living, g r o w i n g , a n d e x p l o r i n g w h o y o u are i n y o u r life. D e f e n d i n g is t h e practice of active d i s e n g a g i n g , w h i c h is s u p p o r t e d b y a c t i v a t i n g y o u r vital s u r v i v a l s t r e n g t h a n d i n t e l l i g e n c e . T h i s w a s t h e focus o f t h e e x e r c i s e a t t h e e n d o f c h a p t e r 1 8 . D e f e n d ing is immediate work, whose aim is to interrupt, in the m o m e n t , y o u r e n g a g e m e n t w i t h s e l f - a t t a c k i n o r d e r t o s t o p it.You use d e f e n d i n g d u r i n g t h e d a y a s y o u w o r k a n d i n t e r a c t w i t h p e o p l e . Y o u also u s e i t i n y o u r i n n e r e x p l o r a t i o n w h e n a s e l f - a t t a c k i s m a k i n g i t diff i c u l t t o stay w i t h y o u r e x p e r i e n c e i n a n o p e n way. D e f e n d i n g is m o r e t h a n j u s t a n e w version of y o u r familiar i n n e r
240
SOUL WITHOUT
SHAME
d i a l o g u e . I t r e q u i r e s c o n t a c t w i t h t h e v i t a l i t y of" y o u r s o u l a n d calls u p o n all t h e essential q u a l i t i e s y o u h a v e b e e n i n t r o d u c e d t o i n this b o o k . T h e s e a s p e c t s b e g i n t o f o r m a k i n d o f fluid s t r u c t u r e , a l i v i n g soul presence, that responds flexibly as n e e d e d to support the freed o m a n d t r u t h o f wTio y o u a r e . F o r y o u t o act freshly a n d w i t h o u t j u d g m e n t a l c o n s t r i c t i o n , y o u m u s t know-
yourself in a way not
defined by y o u r history. You m u s t k n o w yourself as an organic b e i n g n e s s , a l i v i n g s t r u c t u r e o f q u a l i t i e s e s s e n t i a l t o w h o y o u are a n d free o f w h o y o u h a v e b e e n o r w h a t y o u h a v e d o n e . I n t h e wx>rk o n d i s i d e n t i f i c a t i o n , i t i s i m p o r t a n t t o e x a m i n e t h e c o n t e n t o f a n a t t a c k , h o w i t affects y o u , w h y v o u b e l i e v e it, w h e r e i t c a m e f r o m , a n d w h o i t m a k e s y o u b e l i e v e y o u are. H o w e v e r , s u c h mental understanding must be in the service of extracting y o u from t h e g r i p s o f t h e a t t a c k ; i t i s n o t m e r e l y for s e l f - i m p r o v e m e n t o r t o m a k e you a better person.To be ot transformative value, that u n d e r s t a n d i n g m u s t a p p e a r a t t h e m o m e n t y o u feel a t t a c k e d a n d i n c i t e y o u t o b r e a k free o f y o u r j u d g m e n t l o o p a n d its h i s t o r y . T h e w o r k o f e x p l o r i n g a n d u n d e r s t a n d i n g clarifies t h e vital n e e d for d e f e n d i n g , a n d d e f e n d i n g c r e a t e s t h e s p a c e a n d p r o v i d e s t h e e n e r g y for c o n t i n u i n g the w o r k of awareness and u n d e r s t a n d i n g . D e f e n d i n g i s a c o n s c i o u s act o f c o n f r o n t i n g h e a d - o n t h e a t t a c k y o u are e x p e r i e n c i n g b v b r i n g i n g y o u r tull a w a r e n e s s t o t h e fact o f b e i n g j u d g e d a n d a c t i n g o n t h a t a w a r e n e s s . Y o u are a t t e m p t i n g t o c o n n e c t w i t h the deepest awareness of yourself at the m o m e n t and speak from t h a t place in o r d e r to disengage from t h e j u d g m e n t . T h e d e e p e s t a w a r e n e s s o f y o u r s e l f m a y m e a n y o u feel t r a p p e d a n d u n a b l e to r e s p o n d ; it m i g h t m e a n y o u believe w h a t the j u d g e is saying a n d c a n ' t i m a g i n e a n y t h i n g b u t a g r e e i n g ; i t c o u l d m e a n y o u are f e e l i n g v e r y t e n s e i n y o u r b o d y w i t h a h e a d t h a t i s full o f c o t t o n ; i t c o u l d m e a n y o u are e x p e r i e n c i n g y o u r s e l f a s a little k i d t r y i n g t o c o p e w i t h D a d ' s a n g e r ; i t m i g h t m e a n y o u are f e e l i n g v i c i o u s l y s t u n g b y t h e a t t a c k a s i f i t w e r e a slap i n t h e face; i t c o u l d m e a n y o u are s u d d e n l y a w a r e o f t h e a b s o l u t e a b s u r d i t y o f this v o i c e f r o m t h e past t r y i n g t o tell y o u w h o y o u a r e ; o r i t m i g h t m e a n y o u are t o t a l l y fed u p w i t h l i s t e n i n g t o this v o i c e t h a t says t h e s a m e t h i n g o v e r a n d over. W h a t e v e r t h e a w a r e n e s s o f yourself, y o u a c c e p t t h e c h a l l e n g e o f s p e a k i n g f r o m t h a t p l a c e w i t h t h e i n t e n t i o n o f s t o p p i n g this p a t t e r n
Defending
Against
Judgment
241
of self-attack. T h e r e is no right answer or response, e x c e p t o n e that works. H e r e are s o m e g u i d e l i n e s , h o w e v e r : You must be willing to act on your own behalf. T h i s m e a n s t h a t you must do m o r e than simply observe, watch, think about, or detach from the attack. E v e n if you create space from the j u d g e bv w i t h d r a w a l , y o u c a n o p e r a t e freely o n l y w i t h i n t h a t l i m i t e d s p a c e o f a v o i d i n g t h e j u d g e . T h i s results in a passive, c o n t a i n e d , p r o t e c t i v e life. T h e r e i s n o f r e e d o m for t h e s o u l t o e x p a n d , f l o w , a n d u n f o l d s p o n taneously. You m u s t s u m m o n e n o u g h e n e r g y t o step o u t o f the j u d g m e n t l o o p consciously. T h e j u d g e has t a k e n o v e r y o u r o w n i n h e r e n t aggressive e n e r g y . Y o u m u s t b e g i n t o r e c l a i m this e n e r g y i n o r d e r t o t a k e t h e i n i t i a t i v e a n d act forcefully w h e n n e e d e d . A n d t h a t s t r e n g t h i s m o s t n e e d e d w h e n s p e a k i n g i n a n a c t i v e w a y o n y o u r o w n behalf. T h i s s t r e n g t h c a n t a k e different f o r m s , b u t t h e u n d e r l y i n g sense is of aliveness a n d a f o c u s e d e n e r g y . It m a y m a n i f e s t as t h e c l a r i t y to distinguish b e t w e e n selt-attack and seeing the truth, the c o u r a g e to say w h a t i s t r u e for y o u , t h e e x p a n s i v e n e s s t o a g r e e w i t h t h e j u d g e w i t h o u t f e e l i n g w r o n g o r guilty, t h e b u r n i n g d e s i r e t o s t a n d y o u r g r o u n d , t h e i n t e n s i t y t o stare t h e j u d g e d o w n , t h e i n d i g n a t i o n a t its condescension and disrespect, or the p o w e r to c u t t h r o u g h t h e bullshit w i t h h u m o r a n d a s w o r d !
The statement should be short (no more than ten words),direct, and conclusive. Speak as though you expect to say nothing more. I n o t h e r w o r d s , y o u are s p e a k i n g i n o r d e r t o e n d t h e i n t e r a c t i o n — t h a t is, t h e e n g a g e m e n t w i t h this i n n e r v o i c e ( e v e n i f a n o t h e r p e r s o n said t h e w o r d s t h a t set off y o u r s e l f - j u d g m e n t ) . T h e f o r m t h e s t a t e m e n t takes i s n o t i m p o r t a n t : i t c o u l d b e a q u e s t i o n , a s t a t e m e n t , a n exclamation, or even a sound. T h e o n e e x c e p t i o n on length is the exaggeration d i s e n g a g e m e n t described later in t h e chapter a n d used b y F r a n k i n this c h a p t e r ' s e p i s o d e : e x t e n d e d t a l k i n g c a n b e a w a y t o hijack the judge's m o m e n t u m a n d stop t h e attack.
If you attempt to reason with the attack, it is almost guaranteed that you will remain engaged. I n o t h e r w o r d s , if y o u r e s p o n d
242
SOUL WITH O U T S H A M E
by arguing, denying, justifying, challenging, explaining, or c o m p r o m i s i n g , y o u a r e e n g a g i n g t h e j u d g e . Y o u h a v e i m p l i c i t l y a c c e p t e d its r i g h t t o j u d g e y o u , a n d y o u a r e s i m p l y l o o k i n g for a f a v o r a b l e v e r dict: y o u are h o p i n g t o w i n . I n d e f e n d i n g , y o u d o n o t try t o w i n , y o u s i m p l y i n t e n d t o s t o p a n d t h e n let i t b e k n o w n y o u h a v e s t o p p e d . I n fact, t h e d e s i r e t o b e a t t h e j u d g e i s o n e o f t h e h a r d e s t motivations to o v e r c o m e in order to truly disengage.You have to be w i l l i n g t o g i v e u p t h e g a m e o f w i n o r lose w i t h y o u r j u d g e a n d g e t on w i t h b e i n g you. In d e f e n d i n g , the c o n t e n t is largely irrelevant; w h a t i s i m p o r t a n t i s t h e fact o f b e i n g a t t a c k e d . Y o u r e c o g n i z e t h a t i t is an attack and that w h a t you w a n t most at the m o m e n t is to be free of it.
Planning a response almost never works. W h a t w o r k s is b e i n g in the
moment
and
responding spontaneously—ideally, surprising
yourself. D o n ' t t h i n k a b o u t i t t o o m u c h ; t h e w o r s t that can h a p p e n i s i t w o n ' t w o r k a n d v o u ' U still b e w h e r e y o u w e r e b e f o r e a n d y o u c a n t r y s o m e t h i n g else. O f t e n , y o u w i l l f i n d t h e j u d g e s a y i n g , " O h , y o u c a n ' t say t h a t ; that's
[ s t u p i d , a t t a c k i n g , i n a p p r o p r i a t e , off
t h e wall, d u m b , a n d s o o n ] . " T h a t i n n e r r e s p o n s e i s a n o t h e r a t t a c k t r y i n g to k e e p you e n g a g e d and is often an indicator that w h a t y o u w e r e a b o u t t o say will w o r k — i n fact, i s e x a c t l y w h a t i s n e e d e d . R e m e m b e r , a g o o d defense is n o t a reasonable response to the attack b u t a break from w h a t is e x p e c t e d , s o m e t h i n g that catches t h e j u d g e off g u a r d b y n o t p l a y i n g its g a m e . T h i s w i l l o f t e n m e a n s p e a k i n g o u t o f c h a r a c t e r for y o u , a s y o u r n o r m a l p a t t e r n i s t o b e e n g a g e d .
W i t h t h e s e f o u r g u i d e l i n e s i n m i n d , let's l o o k a t a s i m p l e e x a m p l e of defending. R o g e r ha:> a fortieth birthday party for himself and invites a n u m ber of g o o d friends. At t h e party, he gathers everyone t o g e t h e r to tell t h e m the amazing things that have h a p p e n e d in his life recently, h o w scared and excited and alive he has felt. After the party, he he.irs his mother's voice in his head s a y i n g , ' Y o u ' l l be sorry you did that because no o n e likes to listen to s o m e o n e talk about himself and m a k e himself i m p o r t a n t . You m a d e yourself
Defending
Against
judgment
243
look very self-centered."This is a familiar refrain, after w h i c h he normally feels depressed and guilty for days and avoids seeing or talking to any ot those friends for fear they are j u d g i n g h i m . T h i s time, however, he stops w h a t he is doing, feels the collapse h a p p e n i n g inside, the tight chest and held breath. He feels the joy and excitement he felt d u r i n g the party draining away as if it were a dream from w h i c h he is waking up. R o g e r feels an ache in his chest and anger in his belly. Before he knows it, he says to the voice, " H o w dare you shame m e . Shut u p ! "
Recognizing
the
Shift
T h i s b r i n g s u s t o t h e shift t h a t o c c u r s w h e n a c t i v e d e f e n d i n g w o r k s . T h e shift i s t h e d i s e n g a g e m e n t , a n d it's i n t e r n a l . Y o u m a y n o t i c e i t as it occurs or only afterward w h e n y o u b e c o m e aware of feehng different. W h a t d o e s i t feel like? C o m m o n e x p e r i e n c e s are o f a s e n s e o f release (the h o l d i n g , t e n s i o n , o r p r e s s u r e i s g o n e ) , s p a c e ( m o r e r o o m to breathe, l o o k a r o u n d , or m o v e ) , quiet (the m u l t i t u d e of voices in the h e a d is g o n e ) , e n e r g y or lightness (the d e p r e s s i o n , h e a v iness, o r d e a d n e s s has lifted), o r p r e s e n c e ( b e i n g e x t e n d e d i n t o t h e past o r f u t u r e s t o p s , a n d y o u feel r i g h t h e r e n o w ) . O n a n e m o t i o n a l level, i t m a y b e ' e x p e n e n c e d a s f e e l i n g self-assured, s e p a r a t e , d i s o r i e n t e d , o r n o t c a r m g a b o u t t h e v o i c e e v e n i f it's still t h e r e . B e a w a r e t h a t n o t all e x p e r i e n c e s o f t h e shift are n e c e s s a r i l y p l e a s a n t , s u c h a s feeling alone, e x p a n d e d , disoriented, or empty. T h i s shift i n y o u r sense o f y o u r s e l f i s t h e a c t u a l e x p e r i e n c e o f d i s e n g a g e m e n t . J u s t a s i t has b e e n i m p o r t a n t t o feel a n d u n d e r s t a n d the d e p t h of e n g a g e m e n t w i t h the j u d g e in order to truly w a n t to d i s e n g a g e , s o i t i s vital t o l e a r n t o r e c o g n i z e a n d v a l u e t h e d i s e n g a g e m e n t w h e n i t has h a p p e n e d . T h i s m a y s e e m o b v i o u s , b u t i t i s n o t . W h e n y o u are s t r o n g l y o r i e n t e d t o w a r d s e e k i n g a c h a n g e i n t h e j u d g e o r t h e c o n t e n t o f its a t t a c k s , y o u m a y n o t initially v a l u e t h e shift o f d i s e n g a g e m e n t . T h i s i s b e c a u s e i t m a y m a k e n o c h a n g e i n the j u d g e o r the c o n t e n t o f the attack. O n the o t h e r h a n d , the j u d g e and the attack may disappear in the m o m e n t . Regardless ot w h a t h a p p e n s w i t h t h e j u d g e , you are w h e r e t h e a c t i o n is. T h e shift changes y o u r sense of yourself a n d y o u r relationship to the j u d g -
244
S o u L WITHOUT
SHAME
merit so the attack is no longer effective. You are no longer susceptible to being judged. T h a t is what is important, but only experience will help you actually believe it.
Life
Lessons
H a n n a h had been working for some time on her ability to support herself in her relationships with m e n . She wanted so much to have a committed relationship that she found it very difficult n o t to b e c o m e compliant and passive in the face of anything a man might do or say to her, in the hope that he would like her and keep calling. Recently, she had met s o m e o n e n e w w h o m she enjoyed a lot. They spent one afternoon together at his place and afterward made tentative plans to have the next date at her place a week later, on a M o n d a y holiday. She checked in with him midweek, and he c o n firmed his desire to connect but said he couldn't make a definite time because he was trying to schedule something else first. T h a t was fine with her, and they made a p h o n e appointment for M o n day m o r n i n g to finalize the plans. He didn't call as he had said he would, so she finally called h i m and asked what was up. He sounded surprised and replied that because she hadn't wanted to make definite plans, he figured she wasn't really interested, and he had made other arrangements. H a n nah was shocked and normally would have collapsed at that o u t right attack, giving in to her own j u d g e declaring that it was her fault tor (\) not getting him to c o m m i t earlier, (2) not having seen what a jerk he was sooner, or (3) acting so self-protective that he lost interest (her j u d g e s catchall complaint!). She could feel the m o m e n t u m of this familiar self-attack that would overwhelm her and allow her to avoid h o w hurt she actually felt by his heartless behavior.This time, however, she was not going to engage her judge. Instead, she pulled herself together and said simply that she was quite upset at his statement and very hurt by his disregard for what had actually happened. She made it clear that she did not appreciate his actions at all. He began to justify himself, so she told h i m she had nothing further to say and h u n g up. She still felt hurt but noticed she did not feel in the hole of self-attack that was so familiar after
Defending
Against
Judgment
245
an incident like this. Because she did n o t get h o o k e d by her j u d g e , H a n n a h felt grounded in herself and experienced a surprising clarity in her o w n state of being. O n e other thing to be aware of about the shift;You may recall that your internal attacks developed as a protective mechanism to keep you away from powerful, painful, or overwhelming feelings (rejection, hurt, betrayal, weakness, helplessness, hopelessness, grief, even j o y or passion). By engaging the judge, you stopped moving toward those specific feelings. Now, as you learn to disengage, be aware that you are not necessarily going to feel great even if you are no longer under attack. W h a t may arise is the original feeling that your j u d g e was protecting you from. For example, guilt provoked by an attack may be protecting you from the hopelessness that will arise if you stop feeling guilty. This is often the biggest challenge in truly defending; you must honestly w ant the truth of your own experience m o r e than you want to avoid pain or feel pleasure. These will always lead to the familiarity of e n g a g e m e n t . T h e truth supports w h o you actually are, but it is often difficult to be with as you peel away the layers of your inner life. W i t h care, guidance, and the support of the various qualities ot your essential nature, you have the capacity as an adult to be with your own truths one step at a time in a way you could not be as a child.This is what is necessary in order to be truly yourself. r
Methods
of Defending
W h a t follows are some forms that defending could take, followed by an example of each.The judge's activity is aimed at blocking c o n tact with the freedom and expansiveness of the living soul. So each form points to a way of tapping into the dynamism and aliveness of w h o you are now, unconnected to your history. All are possible as defenses against self-attack as well as external attack. O n l y one or two disengagement forms would be appropriate in any given situation.Which one depends on the context and nature of the attack and on your tendencies in terms of engagement. If the attack is serious and rational, h u m o r might be a good defense. But if you nor-
SOUL
46
WITHOUT
SHAME
íally e n g a g e w i t h t h e j u d g e b y sarcastic c o u n t e r a t t a c k , t h e n h u m o r p r o b a b l y n o t a g o o d c h o i c e b e c a u s e it is t o o close to y o u r familr engagement patterns.
1 . A g g r e s s i o n : F u c k off! S h u t u p ! S t o p ! L e a v e m e a l o n e ! B e cause
attacks
are
aggressive
acts, r e c l a i m i n g t h a t a g g r e s s i v e
s t r e n g t h i s vital. A s i n d i c a t e d e a r l i e r i n t h e c h a p t e r , t h e m o b i l i z a t i o n o f a g g r e s s i o n i s a f u n d a m e n t a l , difficult, a n d h i g h l y effective d e f e n s e for s t o p p i n g a s e l f - a t t a c k . Strength is t h e p a r t i c u l a r s o u l q u a l i t y t h a t fuels t h i s d e f e n s e . ( C h a p t e r 1 1 : F r a n k ; c h a p t e r 18: Sue, Paul, exercise: c h a p t e r 20: Mary.) 2. I n d i g n a t i o n : How dare you speak to me that way! A c l o s e c o u s i n to direct assertion, indignation is r i g h t e o u s anger w i t h the addit i o n a l f e e l i n g o f o u t r a g e a t t h e j u d g e ' s l a c k o f r e s p e c t for y o u r d i g n i t y o r a n y o n e else's. ( C h a p t e r 2 0 : R o g e r . ) 3. T r u t h : That hurts me or It scares me when you talk that way. Stop it! S i m p l y s p e a k i n g y o u r o w n t r u t h i n t h e m o m e n t m a y b r e a k the e n g a g e m e n t , and it w o r k s well c o m b i n e d w i t h the assertion disengagement. T h e p o i n t here is that y o u r awareness b e c o m e s focused on vour o w n experience rather than on the c o n t e n t of the attack or the presence of the j u d g e (either ot w h i c h m e a n s e n g a g e m e n t ) . Y o u r s o u l i s i n c o n t a c t w i t h truth, a n d y o u r w o r d s s u p p o r t t h a t , g i v i n g life t o this d e f e n s e . ( C h a p t e r 2 0 : H a n n a h , M a r y ; c h a p t e r 2 2 : Sue.) 4. H u m o r : I only let bullies say that to me. T h i s a p p r o a c h is n o t to a c c e p t t h e s e r i o u s n e s s o f this j u d g m e n t b u s i n e s s . T h e p o w e r o f h u m o r i s i n its a b i l i t y t o b r e a k t h r o u g h t h e e x p e c t a t i o n s a n d assumptions inherent in engagement with j u d g m e n t . Mental f u n c t i o n i n g c a n n o t m a i n t a i n its e s t a b l i s h e d p a t t e r n w h e n a l i v e ness i s a c t i v a t e d t h r o u g h t h e e x p e r i e n c e o f s p o n t a n e o u s l a u g h ter. H u m o r d r a w s
on t h e
soul's joy a n d strength
t o fuel its
challenge t o self-attack. ( C h a p t e r 1 3 : F r a n k ; c h a p t e r 20: M a r y ) 5. A g r e e m e n t :
You're right. I don't know what I'm doing. T h i s m a y
s o u n d like g e t t i n g i n v o l v e d w i t h t h e c o n t e n t . A n d i t i s i f y o u are h o o k e d b y i t — i f y o u a c c e p t t h e s t a t e m e n t a s a j u d g m e n t .
Defending The
Against
defense, however, is
simply
Judgment to
247
defuse
the
attack
bv
a c k n o w l e d g i n g the c o n t e n t w i t h o u t accepting the negative valu a t i o n . I n fact, this c a n b e a v e r y effective d e f e n s e b e c a u s e t h e judge's p o w e r d e p e n d s o n y o u r feeling j u d g e d o r bad a b o u t h o w i t d e s c r i b e s y o u . I f y o u h a v e e n o u g h strength a n d acceptance to allow w h a t is true, or even w h a t m i g h t be true, in the c o n t e n t o f t h e a t t a c k , this d e f e n s e c a n b e a s i m p l e a c c e p t a n c e o f t h e judge's observations w i t h o u t taking on any blame. (Chapter 20: Jeff, M a r y ; c h a p t e r 6 : F r a n k ' s dish w a s h i n g . ) 6. E x a g g e r a t i o n : Yes, I'm the dumbest (use an a d j e c t i v e a p p r o p r i a t e to t h e a t t a c k ) person in the whole country. D e f e n d i n g w i t h exaggeration is a m o r e energetic f o r m of agreement: claiming t h e n e g a t i v e q u a l i t y a s s o m e t h i n g y o u are s t r a n g e e n o u g h t o e n j o y a n d so t h e attack e n d s up giving y o u energy. R e m e m b e r , y o u r a t t a c k s g e t m o s t o f t h e i r p o w e r from c a u s i n g y o u t o reject yourself. So this d i s e n g a g e m e n t relies on acceptance a n d joy as a g r o u n d for its effectiveness. ( C h a p t e r 2 0 : F r a n k . ) 7. E x p o s i n g t h e j u d g e :
Wlto cares what you think? or Wlio are you
to judge me? T h i s is basically c a l l i n g a s p a d e a s p a d e a n d n o t a c c e p t i n g t h e a u t h o r i t y o f t h e j u d g e o r its r i g h t t o m a k e a n y k i n d o f p r o n o u n c e m e n t a b o u t y o u . T h e m o r e y o u h a v e a sense o f y o u r o w n value a n d t h e strength t o align w i t h it, t h e m o r e c o n v i c t i o n this defense will have. ( C h a p t e r 20; M a r y ; c h a p t e r 2 2 : Sue.) 8. S u r r e n d e r : S'ou> you've made meJeelguilty. T h i s r e s p o n s e is b a s i cally a n a c k n o w l e d g m e n t t h a t t h e j u d g e h a s m a d e y o u feel e x a c t l y w h a t i t w a n t e d t o . Y o u are s u r r e n d e r i n g a n y effort t o c h a n g e that and at t h e same t i m e d e s c r i b i n g the activity of t h e j u d g e rather than believing that it means there is s o m e t h i n g w r o n g w i t h y o u . T h i s d e f e n s e d r a w s o n personal will a n d strength in accepting the p o w e r of the attack w i t h o u t b e c o m i n g i d e n tified w i t h t h e feelings. ( C h a p t e r 2 0 : F r a n k . ) 9. D i s i n t e r e s t :
Thanks for the advice.
Til
have
to
think
about
it.
H e r e , a s w i t h n u m b e r five, y o u d o n ' t f i g h t t h e c o n t e n t b u t consciously
stay
neutral
and
actively
end
the
interaction.
SOUL
A g a i n , personal
will
WITHOUT
and
strength
SHAMF
provide
the
groundedness
n e e d e d t o stay c o n n e c t e d t o y o u r i n t e n t i o n o f n o t e n g a g i n g . ( C h a p t e r 2 3 : Frank.) C h a n g i n g the
s u b j e c t : Have yon ever seen such a great shirt?
W i t h this r e s p o n s e , y o u are n o t e n g a g i n g and y o u are a c t i v e l y placing your attention elsewhere. By connecting with your o w n spaciousness a n d strength t o shift y o u r a t t e n t i o n a w a y f r o m t h e a t t a c k , this d e f e n s e refuses t o allow y o u r a w a r e n e s s t o b e controlled. (Chapter 8: Frank.) C o m p a s s i o n : If I'm really acting that way, it must he painful for you. T h i s i s f o c u s i n g o n w h e r e t h e o t h e r i s c o m i n g f r o m r a t h e r t h a n o n yourself, a s t h e j u d g e w a n t s y o u t o . T h i s r e s p o n s e g e n erally r e q u i r e s
c o n s i d e r a b l e d i s i d e n t i f i c a t i o n a n d strength n o t
o n l y t o a v o i d g e t t i n g h o o k e d b y t h e a t t a c k b u t also t o p u t y o u r self e m p a t h i c a l l y i n t h e j u d g e s s h o e s a n d feel t h e d i s c o m f o r t o r c o n c e r n u n d e r n e a t h t h e j u d g m e n t . T o act f r o m compassion c a n b r i n g healing to an inner battleground, and it is the approach m o s t likely t o t r a n s f o r m a r e l a t i o n s h i p filled w i t h j u d g m e n t i n t o one characterized by openness and c o m m u n i c a t i o n . (Chapter 2 0 : Jeff: c h a p t e r 2 4 : S u e . ) Breathe and sense:
Breathe but do not support the attack inter-
nally or externally. P r a c t i c e s e n s i n g y o u r a r m s , legs, a n d b e l l y to keep yourself g r o u n d e d as you
experience
the attack. This
d e f e n s e activates awareness a n d personal will as s u p p o r t s for its effectiveness. ( C h a p t e r 5 : F r a n k ; c h a p t e r 9 : S u e . ) A c t i v e v i s u a l i z a t i o n : Picture in your mind taking some action that halts the attack. T h i s s t r a t e g y uses strength e n e r g y w i t h o u t n e e d i n g t o e x t e r n a l i z e it. F o r this t o w o r k , y o u m u s t let y o u r s e l f feel t h e effects o f y o u r i m a g i n a r y a c t i o n s u c h a s e x p l o s i o n , d i s m e m b e r m e n t , o r m a c h i n e g u n blast. T h e o b j e c t i s t o r e c l a i m y o u r sense of p o w e r a n d control over y o u r process. A n y t h i n g g o e s , b u t d o n ' t let t h e j u d g e m a k e y o u feel g u i l t y for s e e m i n g l y violent behavior.You're only destroying images! T h e goal is n o t to get c a u g h t up in revenge but to tree y o u r o w n e n e r g y and feel t h e f r e e d o m . I f m a c a b r e acts d o t h a t , fine! ( C h a p t e r 1 8 : S u e . )
Defending
Against
Judgment
249
I n all o f t h e s e m e a n s o f def e n d i n g , t h e w o r d s t h e m s e l v e s o n l y p r o v i d e a sense o f w h a t t h e d e f e n s e i s . T h e a c t u a l d i s e n g a g e m e n t o c c u r s i n s i d e y o u o n a g u t level. I f y o u feel this shift, t h e p a r t i c u l a r w o r d s a n d f o r m o f r e s p o n s e w i l l o f t e n t a k e c a r e o f t h e m s e l v e s . I f y o u d o n ' t feel it, s a y i n g t h e w o r d s w o n ' t n e c e s s a r i l y g e t y o u t h e r e , b u t t h e y c a n h e l p . T h i s skill d o e s n ' t d e v e l o p o v e r n i g h t ; i t takes p r a c t i c e . T h e m o s t i m p o r t a n t t h i n g i s t o start d o i n g it, e v e n i f i t d o e s n ' t always w o r k .
Disengaging
Rather Than
Engaging
Let's n o w l o o k a t a c o u p l e o f e x a m p l e s o f s o m e o n e b e i n g a t t a c k e d . T h e first s c e n a r i o d e m o n s t r a t e s s t a y i n g e n g a g e d , t h e s e c o n d s u c cessfully d e f e n d i n g against t h e a t t a c k . Jeff was at his desk paying bills w h e n his wife, Louise, called from the b a t h r o o m , " W h y can't you ever clean the b a t h t u b after you take a bath? It looks like a pig had a field day in here. You never consider the fact that s o m e o n e else lives here!" " H o w do you k n o w I was the last o n e to use the t u b ? " Jeff barked back. " H o w do I know? Well, you did take a bath last night, didn't you? A n d I've been at w o r k all day.Who else w o u l d it b e ? " Jeff tried a different c o m e b a c k : "Yeah, so what! H o w many times do I have to clean your hairs o u t of the drain so I can take a shower w i t h o u t having to stand in w a r m water up to my ankles!" "You know, you are an asshole!" came the disgusted reply from the o t h e r r o o m . A s h e listens t o L o u i s e , Jeff i s h e a r i n g his o w n j u d g e ' s i n t e r n a l a t t a c k t h a t h e b l e w it, p r o o f t h a t h e i s a s l o b a n d selfish. H e starts b y r a t i o n a l i z i n g t h a t m a y b e h e i s b e i n g falsely a c c u s e d a n d t h e n shifts t o c o u n t e r a t t a c k i n g h e r . H e stays e n g a g e d , a n d s o d o e s she. N o w t h e s a m e i n t e r a c t i o n w i t h Jeff d e f e n d i n g : Jeff was at his desk paying bills w h e n his wife, Louise, called from the b a t h r o o m , " W h y can't you ever clean the b a t h t u b after you take a bath? It looks like a pig had a field day in h e r e Y o u never consider the fact that s o m e o n e else lives here!"
SOUL WITHOUT
250
SHA ML
"I did enjoy my bath. Sorry I left a mess. L'11 clean it up as soon as Tin done here," Jeff replied. "Never mind, I'm already doing it." Louise was not to be denied her suffering. "How come I'm the only one who takes responsibility for having a clean house?" Jeff sat feeling the angry pain in her comment before asking, "Would you like any help?" "No. I work best alone," came the swift reply. There was a pause, then Louise said, "But thanks anyway." T h i s t i m e , Jeff focuses o n t h e p r o b l e m L o u i s e b r i n g s u p r a t h e r t h a n t h e v e i l e d a c c u s a t i o n b e h i n d it, t h u s a v o i d i n g g e t t i n g e n g a g e d w i t h t h e j u d g m e n t . H e d e f e n d s b y a g r e e i n g w i t h his wife's assessm e n t o f t h e p r o b l e m b u t n o t t h e i m p l i c a t i o n t h a t h e i s a t fault. L o u i s e , t h o u g h , d o e s n o t g i v e u p easily a n d a t t a c k s a g a i n , t a k i n g o n t h e v i c t i m r o l e a n d p u l l i n g for Jeff t o feel guilty. A g a i n , h e d e f e n d s himself by
avoiding
challenging
her
blanket
generalization
w o u l d be the obvious rationalizing engagement)
(this
and by avoiding
t a k i n g o n t h e g u i l t . H e basically e x p o s e s h e r p l o y b y o f f e r i n g t o h e l p , a
compassionate
response. This
makes
it
clear
he
will
not
get
involved w i t h h e r self-righteous suffering b u t will r e s p o n d if she is t r u l y i n n e e d . S h e gets t h e m e s s a g e . N e x t , w e h a v e M a r y d e a l i n g w i t h a self-attack:
Mary had recently stood up for herself in a new way in an intimate relationship. After nine months of putting up with complaints and dissatisfaction from her partner, she finally came out and told Joyce to leave if she found the relationship so disappointing."! do not have to listen to your attacks on me any longer. This is who I am, and if I'm not what you want, take responsibility and get out."Joyce felt attacked and hurt and refused to talk to her for several weeks. At first, Mary felt strong, centered, and proud of herself for taking a stand, but after a week with no word from Joyce, she began to feel lost. About that time, the unmerciful attacks from her judge started. "It was about time you stood up for yourself. But how could you have been so blind to have not seen what was happening earlier? You should have done this the first month! How come you put up with her whining for so long?" Her judge harped on her every spare moment.
Defending
Against
Judgment
251
M a r y w o u l d try and reason with it. " L o o k , I've never been able to say anything like this before. I think I deserve a little credit, don't I?" "For what? For finally having the guts to act halfway like an adult? H o w old are you, and h o w many years have you p u t up w i t h this kind of treatment from partners? A n d d o n ' t forget six years of therapy!" "Well, I kept h o p i n g if I tried hard e n o u g h to please her, she w o u l d start appreciating me and n o t complain all the time," pleaded Mary. H e r j u d g e was n o t impressed. " W h y should people appreciate you w h e n you act like a child? You didn't deserve anything better because you t h o u g h t it was your fault.You make me sick." "You're right. 1 can't believe h o w bad I am. I have been a total w i m p to p u t up w i t h this kind of treatment from others. I think I deserved every bit of it. I hate myself." M a r y has e x p a n d e d i n t o n e w a n d u n f a m i l i a r t e r r i t o r y b y d e f e n d i n g herself against Joyce's attacks. B u t separating from J o y c e does n o t separate her from t h e attacks o f h e r o w n j u d g e . T h e j u d g e i s p u t t i n g h e r b a c k i n t h e familiar t e r r i t o r y o t s e l f - l o a t h i n g t o distract h e r f r o m t h e f e e l i n g o f l o n e l i n e s s . A t first, s h e r a t i o n a l i z e s i n a n a t t e m p t t o g e t s o m e s y m p a t h y f r o m t h e j u d g e . S h e w a n t s h e r j u d g e ' s s u p p o r t for w h a t s h e has d o n e . W h e n this d o e s n ' t w o r k , s h e f i n a l l y a b s o r b s t h e a t t a c k a n d collapses i n t o s e l f - h a t r e d . W h a t e v e r e x p a n s i o n h a d h a p p e n e d i n h e r i n t e r a c t i o n w i t h J o y c e has b e e n c o m p l e t e l y lost. N o w , let's see w h a t h a p p e n s i f M a r y d i s e n g a g e s . . . . At first, M a r y felt strong, centered, and p r o u d of herself for taking a stand, but after a w e e k with no w o r d from Joyce, she began to feel lost. A b o u t that time, the unmerciful attacks from her j u d g e started. "It was a b o u t time you stood up tor yourself. B u t h o w could you have been so blind to have not seen w h a t was h a p p e n i n g earlier? You should have d o n e this the first m o n t h ! H o w c o m e you p u t up with her w h i n i n g for so long?" H e r j u d g e w o u l d harp on her every spare m o m e n t . After trying to ignore its relentless badgering, M a r y responded w i t h frustration, " H e y ! I don't need your complaining at me any m o r e than I n e e d e d Joyce's. So leave me alone."
252
SOUL
WITHOUT
SHAME
"You want me to leave you alone? You are alone e n o u g h already. A n d it's all y o u r fault Y o u always pick losers to be in relationship with." "I do.You're right." "Well, what's y o u r p r o b l e m ? " " I ' m slow." "You're slow? . . . O f course, you are.That's w h y decent m e n are never interested in you." " B o y , y o u are boring.You sound just like my m o t h e r . Go talk to her. I ' m busy." M a r y laughed as she felt herself b e i n g p r o d d e d w i t h a b r o o m the way h e r m o t h e r used to do w h e n she t h o u g h t M a r y was m a k i n g fun of her. "You are getting way o u t of hand, y o u n g lady. You b e t t e r w a t c h y o u r step or you will really get into h o t water. You n e e d m e . N o b o d y likes an i n d e p e n d e n t bitch!" H e r j u d g e w'as on t h e defensive and fighting for its life. " S h u t the fuck u p ! " roared M a r y i n her m i n d . T h e r e was silence as she felt the heat and intensity of her o w n strength. She felt space inside and around h e r and once again was aware of feeling lost and lonely w i t h o u t Joyce around. But the strength felt n o u r i s h i n g . Feeling strong and lonely was a n e w c o m b i n a t i o n and definitely preferable to b e i n g attacked. This time, M a r y does not buy into the content of w h a t her j u d g e i s s a y i n g t o h e r . A f t e r passively n o t e n g a g i n g d o e s n ' t w o r k , s h e defends herself by exposing the j u d g e as d o i n g the same t h i n g Joyce d i d . S h e s p e a k s t h e t r u t h a b o u t h o w a n n o y i n g a n d u n h e l p f u l its c o m m e n t s are. T h i s o n l y stirs i t u p m o r e . N e x t , s h e d e f e n d s w i t h a g r e e m e n t , u p s e t t i n g t h e j u d g e ' s t i m i n g — a n d still i t persists. H u m o r is next, as she recognizes the way h e r m o t h e r talked a n d acted t o w a r d her. W h e n h e r j u d g e viciously attacks again, she s u m m o n s her o w n a g g r e s s i v e e n e r g y t o s i l e n c e it. T h i s b r i n g s h e r b a c k t o b e i n g c e n t e r e d i n herself, w h i c h m e a n s f e e l i n g t h e loss o f t h e r e l a t i o n s h i p w i t h J o y c e . N o w s t h o u g h , s h e h a s s p a c e f r o m h e r j u d g e s o s h e c a n feel l o n e l y w i t h o u t f e e l i n g b a d a b o u t it. R e m e m b e r , i n n e r a n d o u t e r j u d g e s are o f t e n p e r s i s t e n t : t h e y w o n ' t g i v e u p easily. I f y o u d e f e n d yourself, t h e y m a y a t t a c k a g a i n . If they do, defend again. S o m e t i m e s , you m a y find that no m a t t e r h o w o f t e n y o u say t h e w o r d s , o r h o w m a n y d i f f e r e n t a p p r o a c h e s y o u
Defending
Against
judgment
253
try, d i s e n g a g e m e n t will n o t h a p p e n . T h i s m a y m e a n y o u are n o t y e t r e a d y t o s e p a r a t e f r o m t h e s e l f - i m a g e ( y o u feel t o o i d e n t i f i e d w i t h t h e h u r t o r a n g r y c h i l d t o let i t g o ) . N e v e r t h e l e s s , p r a c t i c e i s v a l u able for o b s e r v i n g y o u r p r o c e s s a n d s e e i n g w h a t k e e p s t h a t a t t a c k a c t i v e i n y o u r life. Y o u r a b i l i t y t o d e f e n d actively a n d i m m e d i a t e l y a g a i n s t a n a t t a c k — s t o p p i n g yourself from engaging the j u d g e — d i r e c t l y supp o r t s b r i n g i n g p e a c e a n d q u i e t i n t o y o u r i n n e r life. I n n e r stillness w i l l n e v e r arise w i t h o u t a c o m m i t m e n t t o d i s e n g a g i n g .
POINTS TO REMEMBER •
D e f e n d i n g i s t h e p r a c t i c e o f active d i s e n g a g i n g , w h i c h i s s u p p o r t e d b y a c t i v a t i n g y o u r vital survival s t r e n g t h a n d i n t e l l i g e n c e . Its a i m i s t o i n t e r r u p t , i n t h e m o m e n t , y o u r e n g a g e m e n t w i t h t h e a t t a c k i n o r d e r t o s t o p it.
•
I t i s i m p o r t a n t t o e x a m i n e t h e c o n t e n t o f a n a t t a c k , h o w i t affects y o u , w h y y o u b e l i e v e it, w h e r e i t c a m e f r o m , a n d w h o i t m a k e s y o u b e l i e v e y o u are. H o w e v e r , s u c h m e n t a l u n d e r s t a n d i n g m u s t b e i n t h e s e r v i c e o f e x t r a c t i n g y o u f r o m t h e g r i p s o f t h e attack; i t i s n o t m e r e l y for s e l f - i m p r o v e m e n t o r t o m a k e y o u a b e t t e r p e r s o n .
•
D e f e n d i n g is a c o n s c i o u s act of c o n f r o n t i n g h e a d - o n t h e a t t a c k y o u are e x p e r i e n c i n g b y b r i n g i n g y o u r full a w a r e n e s s t o t h e fact of being j u d g e d and acting on that awareness.
• J u s t a s i t has b e e n i m p o r t a n t t o feel a n d u n d e r s t a n d t h e d e p t h o f e n g a g e m e n t w i t h the j u d g e in order to truly w a n t to disengage, s o i t i s vital t o l e a r n t o r e c o g n i z e a n d v a l u e t h e d i s e n g a g e m e n t w h e n i t has h a p p e n e d . W h e n y o u are s t r o n g l y o r i e n t e d t o w a r d s e e k i n g a c h a n g e i n t h e j u d g e o r t h e c o n t e n t o f its a t t a c k s , y o u m a y n o t initially v a l u e t h e shift o f d i s e n g a g e m e n t . •
T h e shift c h a n g e s y o u r s e n s e o f y o u r s e l f a n d y o u r r e l a t i o n s h i p t o t h e j u d g m e n t s o t h e a t t a c k i s n o l o n g e r effective.
• A s y o u l e a r n t o d i s e n g a g e , b e a w a r e t h a t y o u are n o t n e c e s s a r i l y g o i n g t o feel g r e a t e v e n i f y o u are n o l o n g e r u n d e r a t t a c k . W h a t m a y arise i s t h e o r i g i n a l f e e l i n g t h a t y o u r j u d g e w a s p r o t e c t i n g y o u from.
254
•
SOUL
WITHOUT
SHAME
T h i s is often t h e biggest challenge in truly defending: y o u m u s t honestly want the truth of y o u r o w n experience m o r e than you w a n t t h e c o m f o r t o r familiarity o f t h e e n g a g e m e n t .
•
S o m e t i m e s , n o m a t t e r w h a t y o u try, d i s e n g a g e m e n t w i l l n o t h a p p e n . T h i s m a y m e a n y o u are n o t yet ready t o separate from t h e s e l f - i m a g e ( y o u feel t o o i d e n t i f i e d w i t h t h e c h i l d o r t h e j u d g e t o let i t g o ) . N e v e r t h e l e s s , p r a c t i c i n g i s v a l u a b l e for o b s e r v i n g y o u r p r o c e s s a n d s e e i n g w h a t k e e p s t h e a t t a c k a c t i v e i n y o u r life.
GUIDELINES FOR DEFENDING •
Y o u m u s t b e w i l l i n g t o act o n y o u r o w n behalf.
•
T h e statement should be short (no m o r e than ten words), direct, a n d c o n c l u s i v e . S p e a k a s t h o u g h y o u e x p e c t t o say n o t h i n g m o r e .
•
If you r e s p o n d to the c o n t e n t of the attack, it is almost g u a r a n teed that y o u will r e m a i n e n g a g e d .
•
Planning a response almost never works.
EXERCISE: THE PRACTICE OF DEFENDING D e f e n d i n g is a p r a c t i c e . Y o u m u s t practice it. U n f o r t u n a t e l y , it is difficult t o d o this b y y o u r s e l f e x c e p t w h e n real-life o p p o r t u n i t i e s arise. T h e f o l l o w i n g e x e r c i s e is a start at d e v e l o p i n g a s e n s e of w h a t it feels l i k e t o d e f e n d effectively. I t i s b e s t d o n e w i t h a f r i e n d w h o i s w a l l i n g t o h e l p . Y o u c o u l d also t r y i t w i t h a t a p e r e c o r d e r . T h e e x e r c i s e is similar to t h e o n e at t h e e n d of c h a p t e r 18, b u t it will take y o u b e y o n d s i m p l y a c c e s s i n g y o u r s t r e n g t h i n t h e face o f a n a t t a c k w i t h generic statements. You can n o w develop the capacity to respond specifically a n d t o b e a w a r e o t t h e shift o f d i s e n g a g e m e n t . C h o o s e a familiar self-attack a n d give t h e s t a t e m e n t to y o u r friend to deliver to y o u as if he or she w e r e y o u r j u d g e . T h a t p e r son's task i s t o s u p p o r t y o u b y s i m p l y a n d c l e a r l y d e l i v e r i n g t h e s t a t e m e n t to you as if he or she m e a n t it but w i t h o u t exaggerated malice o r negativity. T h e w o r d s o f the attack will d o the w o r k n e e d e d . T h e r e a r e f o u r s i m p l e steps i n w o r k i n g w i t h this a t t a c k :
Defending Step 1.
Against
Judgment
255
Hear and feel the statement. N o t i c e y o u r e n g a g e m e n t on an e x p e r i e n t i a l as w e l l as a c o n t e n t level.
Step 2.
Take a breath. T h i s step is p r o b a b l y t h e m o s t i m p o r t a n t , as i t will h e l p y o u c o n n e c t w i t h y o u r s e l f i n t h e m o m e n t . I f you have b e e n practicing sensing y o u r body, that can be an a d d i t i o n a l p a r t o f t h i s step. E x p e r i e n c e y o u r s e l f b r e a t h i n g and b e i n g in your b o d y at that m o m e n t .
Step 3 .
Respond. F o l l o w t h e g u i d e l i n e s listed a b o v e : s h o r t , d i r e c t , spontaneous. R e m e m b e r , w h a t defends you is as m u c h the energy and c o m m i t m e n t in your response as the content of your words.
Step 4.
Check yourself and see if you are aware of a shift from how you felt at step /. R e m e m b e r t h a t a shift will m a n i f e s t as s o m e k i n d o f c h a n g e i n h o w y o u are f e e l i n g — p h y s i c a l l y (less t e n s i o n , easier b r e a t h i n g , m o r e e n e r g y ) , e m o t i o n a l l y (feeli n g l i g h t e r , less d e p r e s s e d , m o r e d e t e r m i n e d ) , o r m e n t a l l y ( t h o u g h t s d i s a p p e a r , t h e j u d g m e n t b e c o m e s silly, t h e a t t a c k loses r e l e v a n c e for y o u ) . If y o u felt a shift, p e r h a p s y o u d i s e n g a g e d . Y o u c a n c h e c k this b y s e e i n g w h e t h e r y o u still feel i n v o l v e d w i t h o r affected b y t h e a t t a c k . I f y o u d o , t r y again. T h e shift m i g h t n o t i m m e d i a t e l y feel a s i f i t deals w i t h t h e attack because it doesn't provide an answer, b u t if it shifts y o u r r e l a t i o n s h i p to t h e a t t a c k , this is at least a first step in d e f e n d i n g .
I f y o u r r e s p o n s e w o r k e d , y o u c a n t r y a different a t t a c k . I f y o u r response didn't w o r k (which is c o m m o n in practicing), have y o u r p a r t n e r d e l i v e r t h e a t t a c k a g a i n a n d g o t h r o u g h t h e steps a g a i n . K e e p p r a c t i c i n g u n t i l y o u find a r e s p o n s e t h a t t r u l y d e f e n d s y o u . B e a w a r e that y o u m a y n o t be ready to separate from s o m e d e e p attacks on your o w n . T h i s is normal. I f y o u are u s i n g a t a p e r e c o r d e r , t a p e y o u r s e l f d e l i v e r i n g o n e o f y o u r a t t a c k s . R e p e a t i t several t i m e s i n a r o w w i t h p a u s e s i n b e t w e e n . T h a t way, y o u c a n p a u s e t h e r e c o r d e r after e a c h d e l i v e r y a n d p r a c tice r e s p o n d i n g .
Frank and Sue sat on the porch with their burritos and beers as the evening sky filled with colors from the setting s u n . T h e n e i g h b o r h o o d was quiet now, and the air was still surprisingly w a r m . T h e y ate their food in silence, enjoying the chance to rest and be engaged in a simple, satisfying activity like eating. T h e y b o t h felt a sense of relaxation and plenty of time. No rush. A n d w h a t was particularly unusual was that they didn't n e e d to talk. T h e y were clearly aware of each o t h e r as they were aware of everything from their food to the flowers on the p o r c h , from the first crickets chirping to the reds and golds in the western sky. As they sat, the sky gradually darkened until all the flaming color was g o n e and a rich dark blue band arched over the h o r i z o n w h e r e the sun had set. It was harder to see their food, but neither Frank n o r Sue felt any need to see. Frank was amazed at h o w incredibly sensual it felt to wash his m o u t h with a swig of beer and feel the subtle b u r n i n g of the carbonation and the slight bitterness of the b r e w as it slid d o w n his throat. It felt like such a rich c o m p l e m e n t to the textures and flavors of the b u r r i t o . He found himself savoring even the feeling of c h e w i n g itself—the way the m u s cles in his j a w w o r k e d and his t o n g u e pushed the food around in his mouth. Sue looked at Frank and caught his eye. T h e y gazed at each o t h e r w i t h o u t any feeling of n e e d i n g to c o m m u n i c a t e and w i t h o u t any discomfort, it was satisfying just to be there with each o t h e r and the s u m m e r evening. Frank noticed that he felt very peaceful and still inside as he c o n tinued eating. He was aware that the darkness seemed to b r i n g a similar quiet to the air around t h e m . He found he was totally c o n t e n t e d w i t h this slow, relaxed,and very attentive process of having d i n n e r . T h e r e was n o n e of his usual rushing to d o w n his food or the need to talk, think, or read to fill up the space. In fact, he was amazed that he could hardly r e m e m b e r ever really e x p e r i e n c i n g eating before. It was n o t about the kind or even the quality of the food or h o w it was cooked; it was about the actual e x p e r i e n c i n g of eating. Or was it really a b o u t the stillness inside him? T h a t stillness seemed to outline every m o v e m e n t , every sound, every sensation with a hissing q u i e t . T h e i n n e r quiet felt like a blanket that absorbed any familiar sense of himself, leaving only awareness and the activity of eating.
21 PEACE
O N E C H A R A C T E R I S T I C O F DAILY life t h a t i n c r e a s e s a n d d e c r e a s e s i n intensity b u t never seems to disappear is a sense of busyness or c o n stant activity It is c o m m o n to e x p e r i e n c e the n o n s t o p quality of e x t e r n a l activity, b u t e q u a l l y p r e s s i n g i s t h e a c t i v i t y o f t h e m i n d — t h e a g i t a t i o n , restlessness, p r e o c c u p a t i o n , d i a l o g u e , a n d b u s y n e s s o f one's i n n e r w o r l d . In tact, t h e possibility of a truly q u i e t m i n d seems l i k e a d r e a m for a f u t u r e v a c a t i o n , r e t i r e m e n t , o r e n l i g h t e n m e n t . I t is hard to imagine having no thoughts, no concerns, no worries, no p l a n s , n o r e g r e t s — j u s t stillness i n s i d e like t h e q u i e t i n t h e d e s e r t o r the mountains. Some people would question why one would want s u c h a state; o t h e r s s p e n d m u c h o f t h e i r life s e a r c h i n g for a taste o f t h a t i n n e r stillness. T h e r e is s u c h an aspect of y o u r t r u e n a t u r e — a sense of i n n e r p e a c e — b u t y o u s e l d o m h a v e a c o n s c i o u s e x p e r i e n c e o í it. Y o u r i n n e r busyness is obviously a major obstacle to y o u r ever e n c o u n t e r i n g such an i n n e r quiet. A n d as you m i g h t guess, a p r i m a r y player i n m a i n t a i n i n g i n n e r a c t i v i t y i s t h e j u d g e . H o w o f t e n d o y o u find the j u d g e appearing with some c o m m e n t or c o n c e r n just as your m i n d i s b e g i n n i n g t o settle a n d rest? A n d h o w o f t e n i s t h e c o n t e n t T
o f y o u r m i n d a n o n g o i n g e n g a g e m e n t w ith t h e j u d g e i n o n e o f those endless l o o p s of attack a n d defend?
Wlien
Everything
Stops
I n n e r p e a c e i s a s e n s e o f total stillness, w i t h n o activity, n o m o v e m e n t , no sound. B u t m o r e than that, there is no desire or n e e d tor
258
S O U L WITH O U T SHA M E
activity, m o v e m e n t , o r s o u n d . T h e stillness i s l i k e a t h i c k b l a n k e t o f total quiet. H a v e you ever b e e n engrossed in an activity and s u d denly b e e n i n t e r r u p t e d by a l o u d noise? Or in a conversation on a c l o u d y day w h e n t h e sun s u d d e n l y b r o k e t h r o u g h and s h o n e o n t o t h e t a b l e i n f r o n t o f y o u ? I n e i t h e r case, t h e i n t e r r u p t i o n o f s o u n d or light m a y have b r o k e n y o u r busyness a n d created a space, a pause, a m o m e n t of suspended time. Everything stopped, and suddenly you w e r e aware of subtle sounds: breathing, the clock ticking, electrical h u m s , birdsongs, your o w n heartbeat. At those times, y o u usually pause only briefly before p l u n g i n g b a c k i n t o y o u r c o n v e r s a t i o n o r activity. H o w e v e r , i f y o u w e r e t o stay i n t h a t s u s p e n d e d m o m e n t , y o u m i g h t n o t i c e a d e e p stillness t h a t e n v e l o p s e v e r y t h i n g . It is as it y o u r f a m i l i a r f o c u s a n d i n v o l v e m e n t v a n i s h e d a n d all t h a t r e m a i n s i s y o u r a w a r e n e s s o f e x a c t l y w h e r e y o u are a n d w h a t i s h a p p e n i n g . Y o u b e c o m e a w a r e t h a t y o u are n o t thinking, not planning, not remembering, not worrying, not imagining: n o n e of y o u r familiar m e n t a l activity is o c c u r r i n g . B e c a u s e y o u r usual sense o f self-recognition d e p e n d s o n familiar i n n e r d i a l o g u e , w h e n i t s t o p s , you s e e m t o d i s a p p e a r . T h e w o r l d c o n t i n u e s t o b e there, b u t w i t h o u t y o u r doingness, will y o u c o n t i n u e t o be? E v e r y t h i n g s e e m s v e r y q u i e t , t h o u g h y o u n o t i c e t h a t s o u n d s are t h e r e a s u s u a l . I n fact, y o u r h e a r i n g s e e m s m o r e a c u t e , a n d t h e s o u n d s are d i s t i n c t a n d c l e a r - c u t a g a i n s t t h e b a c k g r o u n d stillness. At
this
point,
the
mind
generally
kicks
in
again
as
you
m e t a p h o r i c a l l y shake y o u r h e a d t o get t h e familiar t h i n k i n g e n g i n e g o i n g . Y o u feel c o m p e l l e d t o r e e s t a b l i s h w h e r e a n d w h o y o u are, w h a t y o u w e r e d o i n g , a n d w h a t n e e d s t o b e d o n e , i n a n effort t o p i c k u p w h e r e y o u left o f f . T h e stillness i s g o n e , a n d y o u are b a c k t o "normal.'
1
r
Stillness is a c l o s e c o u s i n to t h e q u a l i t y of s p a c i o u s n e s s w e e x p l o r e d i n c h a p t e r 17. T h e y a r e t h e t w o sides o f t h e c o i n o f n a t u r a l m i n d . T h e m i n d feels free a n d alive a n d a w a k e w h e n tilled w i t h s p a c e ; w h e n p e a c e c o m e s , t h e m i n d b e c o m e s s o still i t a l m o s t d i s a p p e a r s . S p a c i o u s n e s s i s l i g h t , airy, o p e n , a n d e m p t y . P e a c e i s o p e n , still, q u i e t , a n d full of a p a l p a b l e p r e s e n c e . S p a c e feels as if e v e r y t h i n g w e r e g o n e , n o b a r r i e r s r e m a i n , a n d y o u c o u l d see forever. P e a c e feels l i k e a s m o o t h , d e n s e b l a c k n e s s t h a t d e s c e n d s a n d dissolves e v e r y -
Peace
259
thing, leaving only the serenity of c o m p l e t e darkness. Spaciousness is daylight in the m i n d , a n d p e a c e is night.
Stillness
and Judgment
T h e j u d g e i s n o t a t all i n t e r e s t e d i n this k i n d o f stillness i n w h i c h t h e m i n d s t o p s . T h e j u d g e o n l y exists i n t h e m i n d a n d its activity. N o m i n d m e a n s t h a t t h e j u d g e loses all its c o n t r o l , s o i t a t t a c k s s u c h e x p e r i e n c e s a s d a n g e r o u s i f t h e y last for m o r e t h a n a m o m e n t . " Y o u will get n o t h i n g d o n e i f y o u r m i n d stops b e c a u s e y o u will f o r g e t w h a t y o u are d o i n g . . . . Y o u w i l l l o o k a n d s o u n d l i k e a fool w h e n t h e r e are n o t h o u g h t s . . . . A b l a n k m i n d m e a n s y o u are s t u pid and d u m b . Besides, if y o u were to stop completely, y o u m i g h t n e v e r g e t s t a r t e d a g a i n . . . .You w i l l w a n d e r a r o u n d like a n i d i o t a n d be taken advantage of a n d h u m i l i a t e d by e v e r y o n e . . . .Vigilance is r e q u i r e d a t all t i m e s . Y o u c a n n o t afford t o really r e l a x y o u r g u a r d ever. . . . P e a c e is an i l l u s i o n — a n d a d a n g e r o u s o n e . " T h e j u d g e gets m u c h o f its p o w e r f r o m y o u r early e x p e r i e n c e s of being expected to think and produce words. It is not u n c o m m o n for a c h i l d t o h a v e a n e m p t y m i n d w h e n h e i s a b s o r b e d i n p l a y i n g a n d i n t e r a c t i n g w i t h his w o r l d . B u t t o o o f t e n y o u r awareness o f h a v i n g n o t h o u g h t s c a m e a t v e r y u n p l e a s a n t t i m e s , s u c h a s w h e n you w e r e e x p e c t e d t o answer a n adult's q u e s t i o n , o r you n e e d e d t o r e m e m b e r s o m e t h i n g i m p o r t a n t , o r y o u w e r e s o scared o r u p s e t y o u c o u l d n ' t talk. I n t h o s e s i t u a t i o n s , y o u m a y h a v e b e e n l o o k e d a t d i s a p p r o v i n g l y , a c c u s e d o f h i d i n g s o m e t h i n g , b l a m e d for n o t l e a r n i n g , o r r e p r i m a n d e d for b e i n g d i s r e s p e c t f u l o f e l d e r s . S e l d o m w o u l d anyone recognize or appreciate the experience of an e m p t y m i n d w i t h n o a n s w e r s t o w h a t s e e m e d like i r r e l e v a n t q u e s tions. A blank m i n d thus b e c a m e associated w i t h b e i n g stupid, feeli n g lost a n d a l o n e , o r e x p e r i e n c i n g fear a n d h u m i l i a t i o n . S o a s a n adult, the m o m e n t w h e n y o u r t h o u g h t s stop b e c o m e s a dreaded e x p e r i e n c e . I t i s a t least e m b a r r a s s i n g a n d a t w o r s t p o t e n t i a l l y d a m a g i n g i f i t h a p p e n s i n s i t u a t i o n s i n w h i c h y o u are e x p e c t e d t o p r o d u c e . B e c a u s e o f this, i t i s easy for t h e j u d g e t o k e e p y o u a w a y f r o m such
moments
of no-thought. T h e
consequence
is
that
your
Sue finished eating and w e n t inside to see w h a t was on TV. She wasn't sure if she wanted to veg o u t in front of the tube, but she had a hard time imagining d o i n g anything else. N o w that she was relaxed and quiet, she felt the n e e d to be entertained. She h o p e d m a y b e Frank w o u l d j o i n h e r so she w o u l d feel less guilty. After finding that a m o v i e neither of t h e m h a d seen was a b o u t to start, she w e n t to find Frank. Standing in the doorway, she watched h i m sitting peacefully in the dark, finishing his beer. He looked as if he could stay there forever, and she began to get a little a n x i o u s . " What About Bob? is on TV soon. We never saw it. You wanna w a t c h it w i t h m e ? " " W a t c h T V ? What's that?" Frank was shifting gears. O " O h , c o m e o n , Sue, I can't believe y o u w o u l d even suggest s o m e t h i n g like that w h e n we have b e e n so real here. TV is so fake and passive; it's for those w h o can't tolerate real life." His voice felt like a knife c o m i n g o u t of the dark, and Sue felt stabbed by his judge's condescension. "You're o n e to talk about the T V ! You get so righteous w h e n it comes to what's 'real' and what's 'shit.' I feel like shit right n o w because of the way you l o o k d o w n on m e ; so shut u p ! " Sue could feel herself on the verge of tears b u t was d e t e r m i n e d to h o l d herself together. "Wait a minute," said F r a n k . " ! wasn't trying to attack you. O It just feels like you're trying to r u n away from s o m e t h i n g real here and lose yourself in the tube. W h a t else could it b e ? " T h e righteous t o n e in his voice was still there. Sue felt weak in the knees but c o m m i t t e d to n o t caving in. As she t o o k a breath, she began to feel s o m e of t h e i n n e r strength and heat she had felt in confronting h e r o w n j u d g e on the hike that afternoon. This time, she didn't yell. H e r voice was calm and controlled w h e n it c a m e o u t but carried a distinct sense of power: "It seems you think you are my j u d g e . Well, you're not. No o n e gave you the right to j u d g e m e , so shut u p ! " Silence. Sue felt very alone as she stood r o o t e d in h e r o w n truth. B e t w e e n her and Frank, a vast e m p t y space had o p e n e d up. She couldn't feel w h e r e he w as or w h a t he was thinking. B u t at that m o m e n t , she didn't care, and she began to feel a little sad. As she r e m e m b e r e d to breathe, Sue was able to relax inside and realize she was still here and the world hadn't e n d e d . She spoke into the dark before t u r n i n g to go back in, "I'll be in the living r o o m w a t c h i n g if you w a n t to j o i n me." T
22 AFTER
THE Is
JUDGMENT
GONE IT. it
Y o u h a v e NOW l o o KEF) i n d e t a i l a t t h e j u d g m e n t p r o c e s s : h o w y o u feel a t t a c k e d b y t h e j u d g e , h o w y o u b e t r a y y o u r s e l f t h r o u g h e n g a g i n g t h e a t t a c k s , a n d h o w y o u c a n actively d e f e n d y o u r s e l f a g a i n s t t h o s e a t t a c k s . Y o u r g o a l t h r o u g h o u t has b e e n d i s e n g a g e m e n t — t h e experience of stepping out of the j u d g m e n t loop altogether. This is a n a t u r a l m o v e m e n t t h a t results f r o m d i s i d e n t i f i c a t i o n w i t h t h e i n n e r experience of j u d g m e n t — n o longer identifying yourself with the particular self-image that h o o k s you into the attack. W e s p o k e i n t h e last c h a p t e r o f t h e i n t e r n a l shift t h a t o c c u r s w i t h d i s e n g a g e m e n t , b u t w e h a v e n ' t c o n s i d e r e d all t h e i m p l i c a t i o n s o f t h e shift. G e n e r a l l y , t h e e x p e r i e n c e o f t h e shift i s p l e a s u r a b l e b e c a u s e i t b r i n g s a release f r o m t h e l i m i t i n g s e l f - i m a g e — a s i f y o u w e r e finally t a k i n g off a t i g h t suit y o u h a d b e e n w e a r i n g all day. T h i s release is often a c c o m p a n i e d by a sense of s p a c i o u s n e s s , e n e r g y , or i n n e r q u i e t . H o w e v e r , o t h e r , m o r e u n s e t t l i n g aspects o f t h e e x p e r i e n c e o f d i s e n g a g e m e n t arise a s y o u p r a c t i c e d e f e n d i n g yourself. I n particular, disengaging brings t h e e x p e r i e n c e of feeling alone.
Separation
and
Aloneness
To disengage actually m e a n s to create a sense of separation.We have b e e n talking a b o u t the j u d g m e n t loop as an internal d y n a m i c focused on maintaining an inner relationship w i t h the other (judge,
264
SOUL WITHOUT
SHAME
a d u l t , p a r e n t ) . S o t o b r e a k o u t o f t h e l o o p m e a n s first a n d f o r e m o s t s t o p p i n g t h a t r e l a t i o n s h i p — n o t m o d i f y i n g i t o r c h a n g i n g its e m o t i o n a l t o n e b u t a c t u a l l y s t o p p i n g it. D i s e n g a g i n g s e p a r a t e s y o u f r o m the o t h e r and, m o r e i m p o r t a n t , from the e x p e r i e n c e of b e i n g in relationship. This can be dramatic and u n e x p e c t e d . W i t h no inner relat i o n s h i p , y o u are a l o n e . S u c h aloneness m a y be painful or frightening because y o u assoc i a t e i t w i t h i s o l a t i o n , a b a n d o n m e n t , h e l p l e s s n e s s , o r loss. T h e s e a r e t h e feelings y o u o r i g i n a l l y h a d a s a c h i l d w h e n y o u felt t h e loss o f r e l a t i o n s h i p t o y o u r p a r e n t s . I t w i l l b e u n c o m f o r t a b l e t o stay w i t h this a l o n e n e s s b e c a u s e i t m e a n s h a v i n g t o t o l e r a t e difficult f e e l i n g s . T h e t e n d e n c y i s t o d o s o m e t h i n g t o m a k e t h e feelings g o a w a y — a desire that has t h e s a m e m o t i v a t i o n as t h e o r i g i n a l i m p u l s e t o w a r d engagement. This u n d e r m i n e s the disengagement and draws y o u i n t o the l o o p again because e n g a g e m e n t seems preferable t o the a l o n e n e s s a n d its p a i n f u l a s s o c i a t i o n s . O n t h e o t h e r h a n d , a l o n e n e s s c a n feel i n t i m a t e a n d q u i e t w i t h o u t feeling lonely. W i t h n o pressure o r d e m a n d s from a n y o n e , y o u can be at ease—fresh, o p e n , a n d spacious.Just y o u inside, b e i n g simp l e a n d u n c l u t t e r e d i n y o u r e x p e r i e n c e . Y o u a r e a w a r e o f yourself, a n d y o u a r e n o t c o n c e r n e d w i t h a n y o n e else. N o o n e i s i n y o u r p s y chic space. You are alone, so y o u can relax y o u r c o n s t a n t a t t e n t i o n and guardedness. It is a great relief finally n o t to have to w o r r y a b o u t w h a t a n y o n e else i s t h i n k i n g o r f e e l i n g a b o u t y o u — a b o u t w h a t y o u d o , h o w y o u b e h a v e , o r w h a t y o u feel. T h r o u g h o u t y o u r life, c o n s c i o u s l y o r u n c o n s c i o u s l y , this h a s b e e n a p r e d o m i n a n t c o n c e r n . You g r e w up learning to p u t a great deal of energy into tracking t h e j u d g e irf o t h e r s for signs o f d i s a p p r o v a l , r e j e c t i o n , d i s c o m f o r t , anxiety, o r d i s a p p o i n t m e n t . E v e n w h e n o t h e r s are n o t a r o u n d , t h e same process goes on internally w i t h y o u r o w n j u d g e . T h i s is y o u r f a m i l i a r reality. T h e i n n e r state o f a l o n e n e s s is, i n fact, s o u n f a m i l i a r t h a t , i n g e n eral, p e o p l e f i n d i t u n c o m f o r t a b l e t o stay w i t h . T o h a v e t h e f e e l i n g o f n o i n n e r dialogue and n o internal sense o f e x p e c t i n g o r seeking a n o t h e r ' s r e s p o n s e m a y feel l i k e t o o m u c h f r e e d o m , t o o m u c h q u i e t , t o o m a n y p o s s i b i l i t i e s . R e a l a l o n e n e s s like this i s c l o s e l y r e l a t e d t o
After
the Judgment
Is
Gone
265
i n n e r s p a c i o u s n e s s a n d essential p e a c e . I n r e a c t i o n , j u d g m e n t s s u c h a s " W h a t a b o u t y o u r m o t h e r o r y o u r lover? D o n ' t y o u care a b o u t w h a t t h e y t h i n k ? " o r " N o w w h a t are y o u g o i n g t o d o w i t h n o o n e a r o u n d t o h e l p y o u ? " m a y arise. T h e s e effectively e n d t h e s o l i t u d e through the reappearance of the judge. To maintain the aloneness thus requires repeated disengaging.
Aloneness
with
Another
W e h a v e b e e n s p e a k i n g o f t h e i n t e r n a l a l o n e n e s s t h a t arises w h e n t h e j u d g m e n t process is o n l y in relation to yourself. H o w e v e r , if y o u are i n t e r a c t i n g w i t h s o m e o n e w h e n y o u feel a t t a c k e d (especially i f y o u feel a t t a c k e d b y t h a t p e r s o n ) , u p o n d i s e n g a g i n g , i t w i l l feel a s t h o u g h you were separating from that p e r s o n — p e r h a p s even e n d i n g t h e r e l a t i o n s h i p . Y e s , y o u w a n t e d i t t o e n d i n its l i m i t i n g , j u d g m e n t a l f o r m , b u t y o u m a y n o t h a v e a n t i c i p a t e d w h a t i t w o u l d feel like i f t h e d i s e n g a g e m e n t w e r e successful. If the j u d g m e n t a l behavior of the other person is an unusual o c c u r r e n c e a n d y o u are successfully c o n f r o n t i n g i t t h r o u g h d e f e n d i n g yourself, t h e d i s e n g a g e m e n t will s e p a r a t e y o u f r o m t h a t specific attack w i t h o u t d a m a g i n g the o n g o i n g relationship w i t h that pers o n . D e f e n d i n g y o u r s e l f i n this case w i l l t e n d t o c l e a r t h e air a n d a l l o w t h e r e l a t i o n s h i p t o r e t u r n t o a m o r e f a m i l i a r ease a n d o p e n ness. H o w e v e r , w h e n y o u d i s e n g a g e f r o m a l o n g - t e r m p a t t e r n i n a r e l a t i o n s h i p , y o u are s e p a r a t i n g f r o m t h e o n g o i n g r e l a t i o n s h i p a s i t has b e e n d e f i n e d . I f y o u are successful i n d e f e n d i n g , y o u h a v e s t e p p e d o u t o f t h e a s s u m p t i o n s t h a t h a v e d e f i n e d h o w y o u a n d this p e r s o n relate. S u d d e n l y y o u are t h e r e a n d t h e o t h e r p e r s o n i s t h e r e , but the relationship is no longer there: there is n o t h i n g in b e t w e e n . N o conversation, n o w o r d s , n o i m a g e s — a s i f a n e m p t y space s u d denly appeared b e t w e e n you. R e m a r k a b l y , y o u are n o w s i m p l y p r e s e n t w i t h a n o t h e r h u m a n b e i n g w i t h n o i m a g e s c l o u d i n g t h e air, n o f a m i l i a r p a t t e r n s o f e n g a g e m e n t i n t e r f e r i n g w i t h d i r e c t a n d i m m e d i a t e c o n t a c t w i t h this o t h e r b e i n g . T h i s m a y b e a m o m e n t o f d e l i g h t a n d freshness, e n j o y m e n t and relaxation. Or it may be an acute e n c o u n t e r with the u n k n o w n . W h o i s this p e r s o n w h e n y o u d o n ' t have a relationship
266
S ü III.
WITHOUT
SHAML
w i t h h i m o r h e r ? W h o are y o u w h e n y o u d o n ' t k n o w w h a t y o u r r e l a t i o n s h i p i s b a s e d o n ? A t this m o m e n t o f d i s e n g a g e m e n t , t h e o p p o r t u n i t y exists for c o n t a c t w i t h o u t r e l a t i o n s h i p , n o t u n l i k e w h a t y o u feel w h e n f i r s t m e e t i n g s o m e o n e . I f y o u h a v e a h i s t o r y w i t h this p e r s o n , t h e c h a l l e n g e i s t o relate w i t h o u t r e t u r n i n g t o a n d g e t t i n g lost i n t h e " r e l a t i o n s h i p . " I s i t p o s s i b l e s i m p l y t o b e p r e s e n t , o p e n , a n d in t o u c h w i t h t h e reality of each m o m e n t ?
Reengaging S t a y i n g w i t h a c o n n e c t i o n t h a t i s this i m m e d i a t e a n d u n d e f i n e d i s o f t e n i n t o l e r a b l e e i t h e r for t h e o t h e r p e r s o n ( w h o m a y t a k e t h e d i s e n g a g e m e n t a s r e j e c t i o n ) o r for y o u . I t i s n o t easy t o h a v e e m p t y space in a relationship, especially if it was n o t m u t u a l l y desired. T h e f i r s t r e a c t i o n after d e f e n d i n g y o u r s e l f i s m o s t o f t e n a d e s i r e t o f i l l u p t h e space, t o " r e p a i r " the gap that j u s t o p e n e d u p b e t w e e n the t w o of y o u . T h i s usually manifests as w a n t i n g to back d o w n from t h e disengagement you just achieved in order to " r e c o n n e c t " — i n other words, to reengage. This can h a p p e n even before y o u stop talking, by adding a rationalization or counterattack at the end. For e x a m p l e : " ! d o n ' t l i k e i t w h e n y o u say t h a t t o m e . S t o p it! . . . B u t I d o n ' t w a n t y o u to take it personally: I ' m k i n d of upset t o d a y . " T h e trailer after s a y i n g , " S t o p i t ! " i s a r a t i o n a l i z a t i o n t h a t r e e n g a g e s y o u w i t h t h e attacker. O r , " Y o u have m a d e s o m e g o o d points a b o u t t h e way I do t h i n g s . . . b u t y o u always act so s e l f - r i g h t e o u s I d o n ' t k n o w w h y I should take y o u seriously."This t i m e , the use of a g r e e m e n t as a m e t h o d of d i s e n g a g i n g is f o l l o w e d by a c o u n t e r a t t a c k for a s u c cessful r e e n g a g e m e n t ! B e c a u s e d e f e n d i n g i s difficult t o e x e c u t e a n d d i s e n g a g e m e n t i s h a r d t o m a i n t a i n , r e e n g a g i n g i s c o m m o n initially a n d n o t t o b e c o n s i d e r e d a s i g n of failure. It is m e r e l y a stage in l e a r n i n g . A g a i n , t h e task i s t o r e c o g n i z e w h a t y o u are d o i n g a n d h a v e c o m p a s s i o n for y o u r o w n process. E v e n w i t h o u t verbal r e e n g a g e m e n t , y o u m a y b e r e e n g a g i n g internally to avoid feeling the separation caused by t h e d i s e n g a g e m e n t . N o t i c e t h a t . I f y o u f i n d y o u r s e l f still t h i n k i n g a b o u t an interaction you disengaged f r o m — h o w you could have d o n e it d i f f e r e n t l y o r b e t t e r , h o w w e l l y o u d i d , h o w y o u c a n ' t tell i f i t
After
che Judgment
h
Gone
267
w o r k e d , h o w y o u still feel a n g r y , a n d s o o n — t h e l i k e l i h o o d i s t h a t y o u have r e e n g a g e d . R e c o g n i z i n g that, y o u have t h e possibility of s t o p p i n g the r e e n g a g e m e n t activity and e x p e r i e n c i n g t h e space, t h e discomfort, or the aloneness you were avoiding.
Self-Evaluation Y o u m a y b e w o n d e r i n g h o w y o u c a n assess y o u r p r o g r e s s without r e e n g a g i n g : w h e n y o u w a n t t o k n o w h o w y o u h a v e d o n e , it's easy t o fall b a c k i n t o t h e o l d b e l i e f t h a t t h e j u d g e i s b e s t e q u i p p e d t o assess y o u . W h a t o t h e r i n n e r r e s o u r c e s d o y o u h a v e t o t u r n t o for a c c u r a t e f e e d b a c k ? A n s w e r i n g this q u e s t i o n r e q u i r e s d i s t i n g u i s h i n g self-evaluation from self-judgment. Let's l o o k a t s e l f - j u d g m e n t . H o w d o y o u e n d u p f e e l i n g w h e n y o u c o n s u l t w i t h t h e j u d g e ? Y o u e i t h e r feel g o o d a b o u t y o u r s e l f o r b a d a b o u t yourself. I n s t e a d o f a s k i n g t h e j u d g e its o p i n i o n , a m o r e helpful q u e s t i o n t o ask y o u r s e l f is: " D o I feel m o r e o p e n t o t h e t r u t h of my situation?" R e m e m b e r , a j u d g m e n t is a statement of evaluat i o n t h a t i m p l i e s a n a s s e s s m e n t o f y o u r v a l u e o r w o r t h a n d i s felt a s a r e j e c t i o n o f y o u r p r e s e n t state. W h a t else c a n y o u g e t f r o m t h e j u d g e except m o r e judgment? W h a t y o u are l o o k i n g for i s h e l p i n k n o w i n g w h e t h e r t h e d i s e n g a g e m e n t w o r k e d a n d h o w i t c o u l d w o r k b e t t e r , n o t a n assessm e n t o f y o u r w o r t h o r v a l u e . T h i s m e a n s k e e p i n g t h e sense o f y o u r personal value separate from t h e evaluation of y o u r functioning. T h i s t h e j u d g e c a n n o t d o b e c a u s e i t b e l i e v e s t h a t y o u r v a l u e i s always conditional. F u r t h e r m o r e , it is not interested in the truth. T o e v a l u a t e y o u r p r o g r e s s objectively, y o u m u s t w e a n y o u r s e l f from the j u d g e by learning to draw on y o u r o w n direct experience. W h a t d i d y o u feel after d i s e n g a g i n g ? H o w d i d t h a t feel i n r e l a t i o n t o h o w y o u felt b e f o r e ? D i d t h e d i s e n g a g e m e n t w o r k for y o u ? T o a n s w e r t h e s e q u e s t i o n s w i t h o u t a c t i v a t i n g s e l f - j u d g m e n t i s n o t easy. For instance, o n e of the most c o m m o n responses to such questions is "I d o n ' t k n o w . " T h i s is a p e r f e c t l y a p p r o p r i a t e r e s p o n s e . If y o u h a v e b e e n d e p e n d i n g o n y o u r j u d g e t o evaluate y o u r p e r f o r m a n c e , y o u r feelings, a n d y o u r l e a r n i n g , t o w e a n y o u r s e l f w i l l r e q u i r e t o l e r a t i n g t h e u n k n o w n . Y o u w i l l n e e d t o g r a d u a l l y l e a r n t o rely o n a s o u r c e
268
Soui. w i T H O i r r
SHAME
y o u h a v e h a d difficulty t r u s t i n g — y o u r ability t o d i s c e r n t r u t h i n your own uncensored experience. T h e r e is n o t h i n g w r o n g w i t h n o t k n o w i n g . It is necessary to 7
allow n o t k n o w i n g s o a t r u e l e t t i n g g o o f t h e j u d g e c a n o c c u r . T o reject y o u r e x p e r i e n c e o f " I d o n ' t k n o w " will o n l y send y o u b a c k to the judge.This m o v e m e n t of rejecting uncertainty and n o t k n o w i n g is o f t e n e x p e r i e n c e d as s e l f - d o u b t . Be careful; this is o f t e n a n o t h e r f o r m of r e e n g a g e m e n t . Y o u m u s t learn to trust that y o u can hang out with not k n o w i n g long e n o u g h to begin to recognize the elements of your o w n experience. This b e c o m e s your personal s o u r c e for d e t e r m i n i n g w h e r e t h e t r u t h lies a n d d i s c o v e r i n g for yourself w h a t works and w h a t doesn't.
Not
Knowing Yourself
H a v i n g e x a m i n e d t h e aspects o f a l o n e n e s s a n d n o t k n o w i n g , w e r e t u r n t o t h e fact t h a t t r u e d i s e n g a g e m e n t m e a n s s e p a r a t i o n . I n i tially, y o u e x p e r i e n c e this a s s e p a r a t i o n from a n o t h e r i f t h a t p e r s o n w a s e x p e r i e n c e d as t h e a t t a c k e r ( a n d often this w i l l be a c l o s e f r i e n d or intimate from w h o m you do n o t w a n t to be separated). E v e n t u ally, y o u realize t h a t t h e s e p a r a t i o n is, i n tact, f r o m y o u r j u d g e , w h i c h y o u h a v e p r o j e c t e d o n t o t h e o t h e r p e r s o n , a n d f r o m y o u r o w n selfimage. In o t h e r words, it is separation from w h o you have taken y o u r s e l f t o b e . E i t h e r way, i t c a n b e scary a n d u n c o m f o r t a b l e . W h a t i s i t like t o let g o o f y o u r s e l f - i m a g e o f b e i n g a helpless o r d e f i c i e n t child? O r t o let g o o f y o u r sense o f b e i n g i n c o n t r o l a n d k n o w i n g w h a t ' s g o i n g t o h a p p e n ? I t y o u let g o o f y o u r idea o f w h o y o u are, w h o are y o u ? A n d w h o i s t h e p e r s o n y o u are w i t h , i f n o t t h e j u d g i n g o r critical a d u l t y o u are s e e k i n g t o please a n d h a v e like y o u ? H o w will y o u relate i f y o u are n o t d e p e n d i n g o n c e r t a i n ideas a n d i m a g e s o f w h a t i s t a k i n g p l a c e ? All o f t h e s e q u e s t i o n s are i m p o r t a n t , and y o u must answer t h e m from the truth of y o u r o w n experience.
In
Session
M e g h a n w a s f e e l i n g a s t r o n g c o n t r a c t i o n i n h e r solar p l e x u s t h a t b l o c k e d h e r ability t o t a k e a d e e p b r e a t h a n d g r o u n d herself. S h e
Ajter
the Judgment
Is
Gone
269
k e p t f o r c i n g a large i n h a l a t i o n a n d s h i f t i n g h e r p o s i t i o n i n a n effort to m a k e h e r u p p e r belly r e l a x . W h e n 1 asked h e r w h y she was s t r u g g l i n g , s h e r e a l i z e d s h e d i d n ' t like t h e c o n t r a c t i o n , a n d h e r j u d g e t o l d her it m e a n t there was s o m e t h i n g w r o n g w i t h her: "You're cutting y o u r s e l f oft, a n d y o u m u s t b e t r y i n g t o h i d e s o m e t h i n g . Y o u s h o u l d b e a s h a m e d . " M e g h a n r e a l i z e d s h e was f e e l i n g a s h a m e d , a n d t h a t w a s w h y she was t r y i n g to force the relaxation. It didn't w o r k . I e n c o u r a g e d her simply to allow the contraction and go with it, b r e a t h i n g as s h a l l o w l y as h e r b o d y s e e m e d to w a n t t o . ( T h i s is a physical variant of the e x a g g e r a t i o n d i s e n g a g e m e n t , in w h i c h y o u claim as valuable a quality the j u d g e considers negative and wants y o u t o reject.) A s s h e d i d so, s h e felt a s i f s h e w a n t e d t o s t o p b r e a t h i n g , t o s q u e e z e h e r s e l f i n t o a v e r y small s p a c e a n d d i s a p p e a r . S h e felt like a y o u n g c h i l d i n p a i n . T h e c o n t r a c t i o n s p r e a d t o h e r a r m s a n d legs a n d was v e r y u n c o m f o r t a b l e . H o w e v e r , after a f e w m i n u t e s , s h e felt h e r w h o l e b o d y b e g i n n i n g t o r e l a x a s i f m e l t i n g . T h e r e w a s n o effort i n v o l v e d this t i m e s i n c e t h e b o d y itself was r e a d y t o release. M e g h a n b e g a n t o feel q u i t e s e t t l e d i n h e r s e l f a n d after several m i n l
u t e s s a i d , ' I feel like n o t t a l k i n g a t all." I e n c o u r a g e d h e r t o g o w i t h that feeling. A s t i m e p a s s e d , s h e b e c a m e q u i t e visually f o c u s e d o n
me,
t h o u g h s h e k e p t l o o k i n g away. S h e s e e m e d uneasy. A t o n e p o i n t . M e g h a n c l o s e d h e r eyes b u t s o o n o p e n e d t h e m again a s i f t o see w h a t w a s h a p p e n i n g w i t h m e . W h e n I asked h e r w h a t h e r e x p e r i e n c e w a s , she said s h e w a s f i n d i n g h e r s e l f p r e o c c u p i e d w i t h visual contact, even t h o u g h it wasn't comfortable to look directly at m e . A s w e e x p l o r e d t h e s i t u a t i o n m o r e , i t b e c a m e clear t h a t after d i s e n g a g i n g from h e r s e l f - j u d g m e n t , a l l o w i n g t h e c o n t r a c t i o n t o release itself, a n d t h e n f e e l i n g t h e s i l e n c e o f h e r o w n p r e s e n c e , M e g h a n felt t h e l a c k o f familiar s e l f - i m a g e / j u d g e r e l a t i o n s h i p s i n s i d e . U n c o n sciously, s h e p r o j e c t e d this s e n s e o f s e p a r a t e n e s s o n o u r r e l a t i o n s h i p and became concerned about having no connection with me.This m e a n t t h a t i t w a s t o o u n c o m f o r t a b l e t o stay w i t h h e r o w n e x p e r i e n c e of presence a n d silence because it s e e m e d to threaten o u r c o n n e c t i o n — h e n c e , h e r d e s i r e t o m a k e eye c o n t a c t . A s s h e r e c o g n i z e d this, M e g h a n w a s able t o settle i n t o h e r o w n stillness o n c e m o r e a n d t r u s t t h a t w e w e r e still i n c o n t a c t .
270
SOUL WITHOUT
SHAME
R e m e m b e r , w h e n you a c k n o w l e d g e the t r u t h that underlies the e n g a g e m e n t b e i n g acted o u t — t h a t y o u are n o t a child a n d t h e o t h e r is n o t y o u r j u d g e — y o u allow contact w i t h yourself m i n u s those images a n d ideas. O n l y t h r o u g h s u c h c o n t a c t is it possible to disc o v e r y o u r t r u e k n o w i n g o f w h o y o u are. A t t h e s a m e t i m e , y o u o p e n u p t h e p o s s i b i l i t y o f a u t h e n t i c c o n t a c t w i t h ( a n d for) t h e o t h e r person. T h e other person m i g h t or m i g h t not j o i n you in that m o r e truthful place.
Opening to the Truth D i s e n g a g i n g f r o m s e l f - j u d g m e n t i s d o n e specifically s o t h a t y o u c a n be in a place of greater self-truth. H a v i n g d e f e n d e d against y o u r j u d g e , y o u h a v e t h e s p a c e a n d safety t o b e p r e s e n t w i t h y o u r e x p e r i e n c e , free of rejection, prejudice, or blame.This may m e a n being w i t h either the c o n t e n t that was e m b e d d e d in the attack or an e x p e r i e n c e the attack w a s k e e p i n g y o u a w a y f r o m . F o r i n s t a n c e , i n t h e f i r s t case, i f y o u h a v e a t t a c k e d y o u r s e l f for h u r t i n g s o m e o n e , d e f e n d i n g a g a i n s t t h e a t t a c k will allow y o u to consider y o u r hurtful actions in a m o r e o p e n , c o m p a s s i o n a t e way. S u c h safety i s n e c e s s a r y t o e x p l o r e t h e t r u t h o f w h y y o u a c t e d t h e w a y y o u d i d , w h i c h leads t o u n d e r s t a n d i n g r a t h e r t h a n g u i l t . I n a n e x a m p l e o f t h e s e c o n d s i t u a t i o n , d i s e n g a g i n g f r o m a selfattack a b o u t n o t p l a n n i n g an o u t i n g perfectly m a y lead to an unfam i l i a r f e e l i n g o f j o y a n d e n t h u s i a s m a b o u t t h e e x p e r i e n c e y o u are e m b a r k i n g o n . T h i s reveals t h a t t h e a t t a c k a r o s e t o k e e p y o u f r o m f e e l i n g s u c h e x p a n s i o n . E i t h e r way, d i s e n g a g i n g c a n b r i n g m o r e c o n tact w i t h t h e t r u t h a n d g r e a t e r s e l f - u n d e r s t a n d i n g . D i s e n g a g e m e n t i s n o t a k n i f e for c u t t i n g t h e j u d g e o u t o f y o u r life, t h o u g h t h e i m p a c t o f t h e j u d g e o n y o u w i l l l i k e l y d i m i n i s h . I t i s n o t a m e t h o d o f c h a n g i n g t h e w a y o t h e r s t r e a t y o u , t h o u g h this c o u l d be a b y - p r o d u c t . It is a process of r e c o g n i z i n g t h e t r u t h of w h a t i s o c c u r r i n g i n s i d e y o u a s y o u g o a b o u t y o u r life.You feel p a i n a n d d i s c o n n e c t i o n from y o u r s e l f because y o u have identified w i t h ideas o f w h o y o u are, c o n s t r u c t s b a s e d o n past e x p e r i e n c e s , a n d selfi m a g e s t h a t l i m i t y o u r a b i l i t y t o b e p r e s e n t a n d act f r o m y o u r full h u m a n i t y . T o see a n d e x p e r i e n c e t h i s , a n d t h e n a c t f r o m y o u r d e e p e r h u m a n i t y , is to disidentify from those images a n d disengage from
After
the Judgment
Is
Gone
271
t h e s e l f - d e c e p t i o n a n d s u f f e r i n g t h e y c a u s e . D i s e n g a g e m e n t i s a vital e l e m e n t i n f r e e i n g y o u for t h e a d v e n t u r e o f d i s c o v e r i n g t h e t r u t h o f w h o y o u are.
POINTS TO REMEMBER •
T h e release t h a t o c c u r s after d i s e n g a g e m e n t i s o f t e n a c c o m p a n i e d b y a sense o f s p a c i o u s n e s s , e n e r g y , o r i n n e r q u i e t . H o w e v e r , o t h e r , m o r e u n s e t t l i n g aspects o f t h e e x p e r i e n c e o f d i s e n g a g e m e n t arise a s y o u p r a c t i c e d e f e n d i n g yourself. I n p a r t i c u l a r , d i s e n g a g i n g brings the e x p e r i e n c e of feeling alone.
•
S u c h a l o n e n e s s m a y b e painful o r f r i g h t e n i n g b e c a u s e y o u a s s o c i a t e i t w i t h i s o l a t i o n , a b a n d o n m e n t , h e l p l e s s n e s s , o r loss. T h e s e are t h e feelings y o u o r i g i n a l l y h a d a s a c h i l d w h e n y o u felt t h e loss o f r e l a t i o n s h i p t o y o u r p a r e n t s .
•
T h e t e n d e n c y i s t o d o s o m e t h i n g t o m a k e t h e feelings g o away. This u n d e r m i n e s the disengagement and draws you into the loop again because e n g a g e m e n t seems preferable to the aloneness a n d its painful a s s o c i a t i o n s .
•
If the j u d g m e n t a l behavior of the o t h e r person is an unusual occurrence
and
you
are
successfully
confronting
it
through
d e f e n d i n g yourself, t h e d i s e n g a g e m e n t will s e p a r a t e y o u o n l y f r o m t h a t specific a t t a c k w i t h o u t d a m a g i n g t h e o n g o i n g r e l a tionship with that person. However, w h e n you disengage from a l o n g - t e r m p a t t e r n i n a r e l a t i o n s h i p , y o u are s e p a r a t i n g f r o m t h e o n g o i n g r e l a t i o n s h i p a s i t has b e e n d e f i n e d . •
T h e first r e a c t i o n after d e f e n d i n g y o u r s e l f is m o s t o f t e n a d e s i r e 1
to fill up t h e space, to "repair ' t h e gap that j u s t o p e n e d up b e t w e e n the t w o of y o u . T h i s usually manifests as w a n t i n g to back d o w n f r o m t h e d i s e n g a g e m e n t y o u just a c h i e v e d i n o r d e r t o " r e c o n n e c t " — i n other words, to reengage. •
B e c a u s e d e f e n d i n g is difficult to e x e c u t e a n d d i s e n g a g e m e n t is h a r d t o m a i n t a i n , r e e n g a g i n g i s c o m m o n initially a n d n o t t o b e c o n s i d e r e d a sign of failure. It is m e r e l y a stage in l e a r n i n g . A g a i n , t h e task i s t o r e c o g n i z e w h a t y o u are d o i n g a n d h a v e c o m p a s s i o n for y o u r o w n p r o c e s s .
272 •
Soui. W I T H O U T S H A M E
To evaluate y o u r progress objectively, y o u m u s t w e a n yourself from the j u d g e . T h i s m e a n s k e e p i n g the sense o f y o u r personal value separate from the evaluation of y o u r functioning.
•
W e a n i n g y o u r s e l f f r o m t h e j u d g e w i l l also r e q u i r e t o l e r a t i n g t h e u n k n o w n . Y o u will n e e d t o gradually learn t o rely o n y o u r ability t o d i s c e r n t r u t h i n y o u r o w n u n c e n s o r e d e x p e r i e n c e .
•
To reject y o u r e x p e r i e n c e of "I d o n ' t k n o w " will o n l y send y o u back to the judge. This m o v e m e n t of rejecting uncertainty and n o t k n o w i n g i s o f t e n e x p e r i e n c e d a s s e l f - d o u b t . B e careful; this is often a n o t h e r f o r m of r e e n g a g e m e n t .
•
T r u e d i s e n g a g e m e n t m e a n s s e p a r a t i o n . Initially, y o u e x p e r i e n c e this as s e p a r a t i o n f r o m a n o t h e r if t h a t p e r s o n w a s e x p e r i e n c e d as t h e a t t a c k e r . E v e n t u a l l y , y o u r e a l i z e t h a t t h e s e p a r a t i o n is, i n fact, from y o u r j u d g e , w h i c h you have projected o n t o t h e o t h e r p e r son, and from y o u r o w n self-image. In o t h e r words, it is separation from w h o you have taken yourself to be.
•
W h e n you a c k n o w l e d g e the truth that underlies the e n g a g e m e n t b e i n g acted o u t — t h a t y o u are n o t a child a n d t h e o t h e r is n o t your j u d g e — y o u
allow
contact
with
yourself w i t h o u t
those
images and ideas. O n l y t h r o u g h such c o n t a c t is it possible to disc o v e r y o u r t r u e k n o w i n g o f w h o y o u are.
EXERCISE: EXPLORING INTERNAL SEPARATION S o m e t i m e w h e n y o u are h a n g i n g o u t w i t h a friend, w a t c h t h e i n t e r nal p r e s s u r e s y o u feel t o b e a c e r t a i n way. N o t i c e y o u r e x p e c t a t i o n s o f t h e o t h e r a n d o f y o u r s e l f D o y o u feel a n e e d t o r e s p o n d t o e v e r y t h i n g y o u r f r i e n d says? D o y o u feel i t s i m p o r t a n t t o s u p p o r t t h e o t h e r p e r s o n i n c e r t a i n ways? A r e y o u l o o k i n g for t h e o t h e r p e r s o n t o s u p p o r t y o u i n c e r t a i n ways? N o t i c e m o m e n t s o f f e e l i n g p r e s s u r e t o talk w h e n y o u w o u l d r a t h e r b e silent. T h e s e s u b t l e p r e s s u r e s , w h i c h w e a c c e p t a s a n e c e s s a r y p a r t o f a c c e p t a b l e social b e h a v i o r , are o f t e n m a i n t a i n e d b y s u b t l e a t t a c k s . F o r i n s t a n c e , y o u r j u d g e m a y a t t a c k y o u for b e i n g u n s u p p o r t i v e i f y o u r e m a i n silent w h e n y o u r friend makes a self-deprecating remark.
After
the Judgment
Is
Gone
273
A f t e r t h e t i m e t o g e t h e r i s over, t a k e a f e w m i n u t e s t o w r i t e d o w n specific m o m e n t s o f p r e s s u r e o r s e l f - a t t a c k t h a t k e p t y o u i n familiar yet i n a u t h e n t i c t e r r i t o r y i n t h e r e l a t i o n s h i p . W h a t p r e v e n t s you from separating from y o u r o w n internal standards a n d j u d g ments?
T h e wonderful peaeefulness was shattered, and familiar Frank was back, all tense and k n o t t e d up inside. O
You sure made a fool of yourself. Youd better go and apologize. Oh, shut up! Now, now. Just because you're upset, no need to take it out on me. You know,you are a pain in the neck.
He hated e n d i n g up in this place. It was uncomfortable as hell, and trying to think his way o u t got h i m n o w h e r e . Yes, I blew it. Well, why did you do that? 1 don't know. 1 was feeling so real and easy, and then—pow—I'm right back in this goddamn ego stuff! You're pretty touchy, aren't you? Was she your mother or something? Oh,fuck you. f don't want to talk about it. Frank tried to breathe deeper, b u t all he could feel was tension. N o t h i n g to do but let himself be tense and stew in his o w n juices. He did realize that trying to get or be s o m e w h e r e else wasn't w o r k i n g . T h e tension felt like a refusal to be b u d g e d : " N o . Y o u can't move m e . I w o n ' t go." Just allowing that realization to c o m e o u t immediately softened him. W i t h the softening came the feeling of being a small boy. He could sense there had been fear in the t e n s i o n . T h e boy had b e e n scared W i t h o u t having to think, Frank could sense that the fear was in reaction to Sue's anger and perhaps even to his o w n attack of her. O Well, her anger was justified, and you deserved it. Yes, but so what? I'm more interested in what is going on with my little boy. T h e child sense in him was less constricted n o w b u t still seemed uneasy.The boy had feelings but seemed reluctant or unable to talk. In fact, Frank had a distinct sense that he didn't k n o w h o w to say what he wanted. That sure feels familiar. 1 just never recognized that the feeling came from such a young place in me. As he c o n t i n u e d to sit and listen, a n e w feeling arose: the child w a n t e d to go to Sue and be held. As he felt that, it was suddenly crystal clear w h y he had attacked her. He was u n c o m fortable w i t h this childish n e e d for c o n t a c t — h i s o w n n e e d i n e s s — s o his j u d g e had taken over to make sure it didn't h a p p e n .
23 TRUTH
T R U T H HAS BEEN R E F E R R E D t o o f t e n i n this b o o k . W h a t d o I m e a n w h e n I use this w o r d ? True, w h e n u s e d i n c o n t r a s t t o f a l s e , i n d i c a t e s t h a t a s t a t e m e n t c o r r e s p o n d s w i t h s o m e v e r i f i a b l e fact o r reality. T o tell t h e t r u t h m e a n s t o s p e a k i n a c c o r d a n c e w i t h w h a t y o u k n o w o r b e l i e v e t o b e real a n d c o r r e c t . I n this b o o k , t r u t h i s t h e r e f l e c t i o n o f a d i r e c t a w a r e n e s s of y o u r o w n e x p e r i e n c e : specifically, t r u t h is a k n o w i n g b a s e d o n i m m e d i a t e c o n t a c t w i t h reality t h r o u g h y o u r e x p e r i e n c e . I f s o m e o n e asks m e h o w I ' m d o i n g a n d I say, " O K , ' ' v e r y little t r u t h is in this s t a t e m e n t b e c a u s e I h a v e said it to c o m p l e t e a social ritual. H o w e v e r , it I w e r e to c o n n e c t w i t h w h a t I am actually f e e l i n g i n t h e m o m e n t , I m i g h t say " I d o n ' t k n o w " o r " S a d a n d lost." T h e s e r e s p o n s e s w o u l d b e m o r e likely t o i n t r o d u c e s o m e level o f t r u t h i n t o t h e c o n v e r s a t i o n . F r o m this p e r s p e c t i v e , social c o m m u n i cation is often n o t a b o u t t r u t h telling. T r u t h as discussed in these chapters is t h e direct r e c o g n i t i o n of realness i n t h e p r e s e n t m o m e n t r a t h e r t h a n t h e i d e n t i f i c a t i o n o f p h y s i c a l , verifiable facts. T h e m o r e y o u a r e a t t u n e d t o t h e t r u t h i n y o u r e x p e r i e n c e , t h e m o r e y o u are i n t o u c h w i t h a n d g r o u n d e d i n reality. H o w d o y o u k n o w w h a t i s t r u e i n y o u r o w n e x p e r i e n c e ? After all, t h e r e are m a n y d i f f e r e n t w a y s t o l o o k a t w h a t y o u a r e e x p e r i e n c i n g a t any g i v e n t i m e . Y o u c o u l d l o o k a t t h e p h y s i c a l d e t a i l s o f y o u r e x p e r i e n c e , y o u r m o t i v a t i o n a n d p u r p o s e for w h a t y o u d i d , t h e s t o r y i n y o u r m i n d a b o u t w h a t o c c u r r e d , h o w y o u felt a b o u t w h a t h a p p e n e d , and w h a t y o u believe the e x p e r i e n c e means, to n a m e a
276
SOUL WITHOUT
SHAME
few. W h i c h o f t h e s e e x p r e s s t h e t r u t h ? S u p p o s e y o u h a v e a m a j o r rrnscomnumi cation with your partner. T h e t w o of you m i g h t spend a n h o u r a r g u i n g a b o u t w h o said w h a t a n d i n w h a t o r d e r , a n d miss c o m p l e t e l y t h e t r u t h o f h o w y o u felt a f t e r w a r d . P e r h a p s t h e m o s t i m p o r t a n t t r u t h was w h a t you each believed the m i s c o m m u n i c a t i o n signified a b o u t y o u r s e l v e s a n d t h e r e l a t i o n s h i p . E i t h e r way, t h e truth of the event is not in the exact order of w h a t occurred, t h o u g h t h a t m a y h e l p reveal h o w t h e m i s u n d e r s t a n d i n g t o o k p l a c e . M a n y people, philosophers included, w o u l d argue that there is n o single t r u t h a b o u t e x p e r i e n c e , o n l y a m u l t i t u d e o f perspectives, e a c h w i t h its o w n t r u t h . F u r t h e r m o r e , t h e y w o u l d say t h a t i t i s impossible
to
d e t e r m i n e if o n e p e r s p e c t i v e has u l t i m a t e t r u t h ,
b e c a u s e e a c h h a s its o w n i n h e r e n t l o g i c . C e r t a i n l y , m u c h o f y o u r i n n e r d i a l o g u e involves
e x p o u n d i n g o n different p o i n t s
of view
a b o u t w h a t i s really t r u e i n a g i v e n s i t u a t i o n . H a v e y o u e v e r n o t i c e d that o f t e n j u s t w h e n y o u have settled o n o n e perspective a b o u t w h a t is true, a different voice will p o p up saying, " O n t h e o t h e r h a n d , m a y b e it's really like this . . . " o r " B u t a r e n ' t y o u f o r g e t t i n g s u c h a n d such?" At these times, vou may d o u b t the likelihood of finding o n e approach more true than another. T h e n o t i o n o f r e a l i t y p r e s e n t e d i n this b o o k i s b a s e d o n t h e a s s u m p t i o n t h a t reality c a n b e k n o w n , w h i c h m e a n s y o u h a v e t h e ability to k n o w w h a t is t r u e in y o u r e x p e r i e n c e . T r u t h is n o t s o m e t h i n g t o b e l i e v e ; i t i s a d i r e c t e x p e r i e n c e o f k n o w i n g t h a t " Y e s , this feels t r u e , feels a c c u r a t e , feels r i g h t " Y o u k n o w t r u t h t h r o u g h a felt s e n s e : a s e t t l e d n e s s , a s o l i d c e r t a i n t y , or p e r h a p s a s h i f t i n g or r e l e a s i n g i n s i d e y o u . Y o u r e l a x a little, y o u b r e a t h e d e e p e r o r feel clearer, e v e n i f y o u d o n ' t like t h e t r u t h y o u a r e e x p e r i e n c i n g . T h i s i s w h y y o u c a n a p p r e c i a t e s o m e o n e ' s t e l l i n g y o u h o w sad you look, even if y o u weren't feeling it consciously, because a t r u t h you w e r e avoiding is r e c o g m z e d . Y o u instinctively relax the w a y y o u w e r e h o l d i n g y o u r s e l f a n d m a y e v e n f i n d y o u r eyes full o f t e a r s . W h e n you e x p e r i e n c e s o m e t h i n g as true, it is as if s o m e t h i n g that w a s s t u c k i n s i d e i s r e l e a s e d a n d b e g i n s t o m o v e a g a i n . Y o u feel a n a t u r a l o p e n i n g t h a t a l l o w s y o u t o b e a little m o r e a t h o m e i n y o u r self. Y o u are, for t h e m o m e n t , n o l o n g e r p r e t e n d i n g o r h i d i n g o r avoiding; y o u are simply b e i n g w i t h w h a t is s o . T r u t h is therefore an
Truth
277
i n d i c a t i o n t h a t y o u are m o v i n g c l o s e r t o y o u r t r u e n a t u r e b y b e i n g m o r e i n c o n t a c t w i t h y o u r reality. A n y g i v e n t r u t h has n o m e a n i n g if it is n o t seen in that c o n t e x t .
Recognizing
Truth
You have w i t h i n you a capacity to recognize t r u t h . W h e n y o u c o n s i d e r several p o s s i b l e m o t i v a t i o n s for w h y y o u d i d s o m e t h i n g , y o u u s u a l l y k n o w w h i c h , i f any, o f t h e possibilities has m o r e t r u t h i n it. This is not a k n o w i n g through deduction or accumulation of inform a t i o n b u t a felt k n o w i n g , w h i c h y o u r e c o g n i z e t h r o u g h p a y i n g attention t o y o u r e x p e r i e n c e i n the m o m e n t . T h e m i n d can c o m e u p w i t h a n e n d l e s s series o f e x p l a n a t i o n s o r i n t e r p r e t a t i o n s o f y o u r e x p e r i e n c e , b u t i f y o u are o p e n t o y o u r i n n e r r e s p o n s e , y o u will k n o w w h i c h o n e b r i n g s y o u closest t o u n d e r s t a n d i n g w h a t i s t r u l y happening. T h i s t r u t h sense i s i n n a t e b u t n o t n e c e s s a r i l y r e c o g n i z e d o r developed. Often, you put m o r e stock in logic, the o p i n i o n of experts, or w h a t y o u read in b o o k s than y o u do in a nonverbal sense o f w h a t i s t r u e i n yourself. " W h o are y o u t o k n o w w h a t i s really t r u e ? Y o u ' r e n o t a n e x p e r t . . . . I f y o u guess, y o u m i g h t b e w r o n g . W h y n o t find s o m e o n e w h o really k n o w s t h e a n s w e r ? " says y o u r j u d g e . B u t t h e sense o f t r u t h I a m p o i n t i n g t o relates d i r e c t l y t o y o u r o w n e x p e r i e n c e . N o o n e else has b e t t e r access t o y o u r e x p e r i e n c e t h a n y o u — i f y o u are w i l l i n g t o b e d i r e c t l y i n t o u c h w i t h it. T h i s t r u t h s e n s e i s n o t n e c e s s a r i l y a n ability t o k n o w w h a t i s t r u e i n m a t ters u n r e l a t e d t o y o u p e r s o n a l l y . I t i s n o t c l a i r v o y a n c e o r s o m e p s y c h i c p o w e r . Its m a i n f u n c t i o n i s t o g u i d e y o u i n b e i n g m o r e real w i t h y o u r s e l f a n d m o r e i n t o u c h w i t h w h a t i s real i n y o u r life. T h i s sense o f t r u t h c a n c o n f l i c t w i t h social c o n s e n s u s o r w h a t y o u r p a r t n e r feels o r w h a t y o u r p a r e n t s b e l i e v e d o r e v e n w h a t y o u felt a n h o u r a g o . B e c a u s e o f this, p u r s u i n g y o u r t r u t h c a n t h r e a t e n relationships a n d structures y o u have c o m e to d e p e n d on. T r u t h brings insight, b u t it is n o t a m e a n s of a r r i v i n g at rules or standards a b o u t life. N e i t h e r i s i t a m a t t e r o f c o n s e n s u s . T h e r e f o r e , s o m e p e o p l e d o n o t find t r u t h useful o r i n t e r e s t i n g e v e n i f t h e y are a w a r e o f it. Y o u m a y r e c o g n i z e a clear t r u t h a b o u t y o u r s e l f i n t h e m o m e n t ("I
278
SOUL WITHOUT
SHAME
n e e d t o s p e a k a b o u t h o w m u c h y o u h u r t m e " ) , b u t i f y o u set t h a t u p a s a n o n g o i n g t r u t h a b o u t w h o y o u are o r w h a t y o u n e e d , y o u w i l l c u t y o u r s e l f off f r o m a c o n t i n u o u s l y c h a n g i n g s e n s e o f w h a t i s t r u e .
Life
Lessons
T o n y ' s f a t h e r d i e d s u d d e n l y A m o n t h after a t t e n d i n g t h e f u n e r a l , T o n y r e c e i v e d a c o p y o f t h e w i l l i n t h e m a i l f r o m his b r o t h e r , t h e e x e c u t o r , a s k i n g h i m t o s i g n off o n i t i f h e w a s n o t p l a n n i n g t o c o n test i t . T o n y w a s s t u n n e d t o f i n d h e h a d b e e n left a p a l t r y s u m c o m p a r e d t o his b r o t h e r , his o n l y s i b l i n g . A f t e r t h e f i r s t m o m e n t o f s h o c k , h e felt a f a m i l i a r n u m b n e s s f i l l i n g his b o d y , h e a r t , a n d m i n d . O n c e a g a i n , h e h a d r e c e i v e d o n l y m e a g e r r e c o g n i t i o n f r o m his f a t h e r , a s i f he had b e e n merely an a t t e n d a n t in t h e family l o n g ago, s o m e o n e passing t h r o u g h w h o was barely r e m e m b e r e d . H i s j u d g e ' s voice was a l m o s t c o m f o r t i n g : "It's always b e e n this w a y ; w h a t else c o u l d y o u expect? D o n ' t forget, y o u n e v e r liked h i m either." N o t until a friend told h i m he m i g h t be able to do s o m e t h i n g a b o u t t h e w i l l d i d T o n y r e c o g n i z e his h a b i t u a l s u b m i s s i v e n e s s i n r e l a t i o n t o his f a t h e r . T h i s shifted s o m e t h i n g , a n d l o n g - h e l d r e s e n t m e n t b e g a n t o s m o l d e r i n his b e l l y D u r i n g t h e e n s u i n g h o u r s a n d days, t h e a n g e r b e c a m e a r a g i n g f i r e i n s i d e h i m . H e felt f u r i o u s a t his f a t h e r , his family, a n d t h e y e a r s o f i n j u s t i c e h e h a d b o r n e i n s i l e n c e . H i s friend's r e s p o n s e h a d e x p o s e d t h e t r u t h o f his d e e p e r e m o t i o n a l state, b u r i e d u n d e r y e a r s o f r a t i o n a l i z e d passivity. S c e n a r i o after s c e n a r i o p a s s e d t h r o u g h his m i n d : r e v e n g e s t r a t e g i e s , l a w s u i t s , s c a t h i n g l e t t e r s , h a t e - f i l l e d p h o n e calls, e v e n h i r i n g a d e t e c t i v e t o spy o n his b r o t h e r . H e c o u l d s c a r c e l y s l e e p ; his obsessive t h i n k i n g k e p t p u m p i n g a d r e n a l i n e t h r o u g h his t i r e d v e i n s . I t w a s a s i f all t h e h o s t i l i t y l o c k e d u p i n s i d e h i m s i n c e h e w a s a c h i l d w e r e n o w let l o o s e , t h r e a t e n i n g t o d r o w n h i m i n its b i l i o u s o u t p o u r i n g . Several t i m e s , T o n y felt a s i f h e m i g h t l o s e i t a n d b e c o m e v i o l e n t ; y e t s o m e t h i n g k e p t h i m f r o m a c t i n g rashly a s i t s i m u l t a n e o u s l y c o n d e m n e d h i m t o s t e w i n his o w n j u i c e s . Finally, T o n y ' s p r a c t i c e o f i n q u i r y c a m e i n t o play a s h e f o u n d h i m s e l f a s k i n g , " W h a t d o e s i t m e a n for m e t h a t this e v e n t i s h a p p e n i n g n o w i n m y l i f e ? " T h i s q u e s t i o n allow-ed h i m t o e x p e r i e n c e
Truth
279
that w h a t was h a p p e n i n g t o h i m n o w was m o r e i m p o r t a n t t h a n the m e m o r y o f w h a t h a d h a p p e n e d l o n g a g o . T h e t r u t h o f his p r e s e n t e x h a u s t i o n a n d stress t o r c e d T o n y t o face t h e o v e r a m p e d state o f his b o d y a n d h e a r t . H e r e a l i z e d h e felt p o w e r l e s s , w e a k , a n d s c a r e d u n d e r n e a t h t h e c o m p u l s i v e p l a n n i n g o f his g r a n d i o s e s c h e m e s . U n a b l e t o fight t h e h e l p l e s s n e s s a n y l o n g e r , h e gave in. T h e k n o t i n his b e l l y let g o . a n d s u d d e n l y h e f o u n d h i m s e l f p a i n f u l l y p r e s e n t . H i s b o d y a c h e d , a n d his h e a r t w a s s o r e , b u t T o n y also felt alive a n d a l e r t . T h e s t o r i e s w e r e g o n e f r o m his m i n d , a n d i n t h e i r p l a c e arose a s t r o n g d e s i r e to t a k e c a r e of b u s i n e s s now. He felt a w i l l i n g ness a n d c o u r a g e t o face reality a n d a d y n a m i c sense o f c a p a c i t y t o g e t t h e j o b d o n e . Essential s t r e n g t h i n f u s e d his s o u l . T o n y h a d a clear r
a n d d i r e c t k n o w i n g t h a t his pow erlessness h a d b e e n r e l a t e d t o t h e past; h e k n e w this w a s t r u e b e c a u s e h e c o u l d n ' t c h a n g e w h a t h a d h a p p e n e d . His obsessing had been an a t t e m p t to deny the weakness b u t i n s t e a d h a d p e r p e t u a t e d it. T h e m o m e n t T o n y s u r r e n d e r e d t o t h e t r u t h o f t h e feeling, his p o w e r t o deal w i t h his p r e s e n t s i t u a t i o n r e v e a l e d itself. He i m m e d i a t e l y got on the p h o n e to a lawyer w h o c o u l d advise h i m o n t h e p o t e n t i a l for legally c h a l l e n g i n g t h e will. T h e n e x t day, h e called his b r o t h e r a n d his m o t h e r t o g e t t h e i r sides o f t h e story. R e g a r d l e s s o f t h e o u t c o m e w i t h t h e w i l l , T o n y w a s clear t h a t h e h a d already w o n the w a r i n discovering the t r u t h o f w h o h e was now
7
in his life. O n e of the m a i n reasons y o u do n o t recognize or p u r s u e y o u r ability t o k n o w t h e t r u t h (and t h e r e b y b e i n t o u c h w i t h reality) i s t h a t k n o w i n g the t r u t h in y o u r e x p e r i e n c e often contradicts y o u r n e e d t o m a i n t a i n c e r t a i n beliefs a b o u t yourself. S e n s i n g t h e t r u t h c a n o n l y b e a g u i d e for b r i n g i n g y o u i n t o c l o s e r r e l a t i o n s h i p t o reality i n t h e m o m e n t . A t a n y m o m e n t , i f y o u d o n o t like w h a t y o u find t o b e t r u e a n d y o u p r e f e r t o h o l d o n t o a familiar o r m o r e a c c e p t a b l e e x p e r i e n c e o f yourself, y o u will s t o p p a y i n g a t t e n t i o n t o t h e t r u t h . T h i s d o e s n o t m e a n y o u r s e n s e o f t r u t h i s infallible. A s y o u b e g i n t o p a y a t t e n t i o n t o y o u r i n n e r reality c o m p a s s , y o u will f i n d i t affected b y y o u r desires, p r e f e r e n c e s , h o p e s , a n d fears. F o r i n s t a n c e , y o u m a y feel t h a t i t i s t r u e y o u w a n t a n ice c r e a m c o n e r i g h t n o w .
280
SOUL WITHOUT
SHA ML
W h a t you may not recognize is that a deeper t r u t h may be h i d d e n w i t h i n t h e t r u t h o f t h a t d e s i r e . P e r h a p s y o u really l o n g for s o m e thing sweet to soothe an aching heart. It you don't look beyond the surface t r u t h o f w a n t i n g the ice c r e a m c o n e because b e i n g i n t o u c h w i t h t h e d e e p e r t r u t h w o u l d b e u n c o m f o r t a b l e , t h e n y o u r desire for p l e a s u r e w i l l b e d i s t o r t i n g y o u r t r u t h s e n s e . T h r o u g h a t t u n i n g t o y o u r sense o f t r u t h a n d b e i n g willing t o q u e s t i o n a n d r e m a i n o p e n t o w h a t y o u discover, y o u can s t r e n g t h e n y o u r t r u t h - s e e k i n g capacity. T h i s c a p a c i t y i s i n fact a n a s p e c t o f y o u r t r u e n a t u r e . T r u t h i s a q u a l i t y o f w h o y o u are, s e p a r a t e f r o m a n y p a r t i c u l a r c o n t e n t . T h e m o r e you practice sensing w h a t is true in your experience, the m o r e y o u c a n b e g i n t o p e r c e i v e t r u t h a s a flavor o n its o w n . I t h a s a v e r y s p e c i a l s e n s e u s u a l l y e x p e r i e n c e d a s a n e l e m e n t o f s o m e t h i n g else: a n u n d e r s t a n d i n g , a r e c o g n i t i o n , a n i n s i g h t . T h i s special s e n s e m a k e s y o u k n o w t h a t t h e u n d e r s t a n d i n g o r i n s i g h t i s t r u e . Y o u are i n t o u c h w i t h t h e c o n t e n t o f t h e i n s i g h t and t h e s e n s e o f t r u e n e s s . T h i s b r i n g s a feeling of expansion, of intimacy, of s w e e t n e s s — a b r e a t h of freed o m t h r o u g h b e i n g m o r e i n t o u c h w i t h y o u r s e l f . T o k n o w a tact a s t r u e dispels a f a l s e h o o d t h a t w a s k e e p i n g y o u d i s t a n t f r o m y o u r s e l f . T h e facts t h e m s e l v e s are o n l y t h e s t e p p i n g - s t o n e s t o w a r d e x p e r i e n c i n g t h e t r u t h of w h o y o u a r e . T h a t t r u t h is a g o l d e n sweet release in t h e heart, a relaxation into y o u r authenticity.
Truth
and the Judge
T h e j u d g e is n o t interested in l e a r n i n g the t r u t h ; it believes that it a l r e a d y k n o w s e n o u g h f r o m t h e past t o r u n y o u r life. F o r t h e j u d g e , t h e i m p o r t a n t issues a r e k n o w i n g w h a t t o d o , h o w t o d o it, w h a t might go w r o n g , and h o w to keep things from going w r o n g . T h e t r u t h i s o n l y useful i f i t w i l l h e l p a n s w e r t h o s e q u e s t i o n s . " Y o u s u r e feel t e r r i b l e . W h y d o n ' t y o u sit d o w n a n d e x p l o r e w h a t ' s really g o i n g o n . M a y b e if you can figure that out, we can m a k e s o m e c h a n g e here." T h e judge's orientation to the truth is to provide you with l i m i t e d access t o i t or, i t p o s s i b l e , b y p a s s i t c o m p l e t e l y " T h e t r u t h m i g h t relieve t h e pain, c h a n g e s o m e t h i n g , or help get us b a c k to familiar t e r r i t o r y — b u t a vacation m i g h t do j u s t as well, so w h y go
Truth
281
t o all t h a t t r o u b l e a n d d i s c o m f o r t ? " T h e j u d g e i s a w a r e t h a t i t c a n ' t c o n t r o l t h e t r u t h . " T h e p r o b l e m w i t h the truth is it often brings up all k i n d s o f stuff y o u d o n ' t w a n t t o h a v e t o d e a l w i t h , s o b e t t e r t o leave w e l l e n o u g h a l o n e . " T r u t h i s y o u r u l t i m a t e ally i n c o n f r o n t i n g t h e j u d g e . Y o u r s e n s e o f k n o w i n g w h a t i s t r u e for y o u w i l l s u p p o r t y o u r ability t o exist free o f t h e j u d g e ' s i n f l u e n c e . T h e j u d g e c a n s p e a k t h r o u g h y o u r p a r ents, y o u r teachers, y o u r b o o k s , and even y o u r friends. T h e only t h i n g i t c a n n o t s p e a k t h r o u g h i s t h e d i r e c t k n o w i n g n e s s o f y o u r life. T h e m o r e you k n o w the true nature of your o w n experience, the m o r e y o u r e c o g n i z e t h a t i t i s n o t h i n g b u t t r u t h . T h e h o p e s , fears, beliefs, a n d j u d g m e n t s a b o u t y o u r e x p e r i e n c e are t h e f a l s e h o o d s . T h e j u d g e itself i s n o t h i n g b u t a m i s u n d e r s t a n d i n g o f w h a t i s real. T h e m o m e n t y o u see y o u r o w n t r u t h , t h e j u d g e d i s a p p e a r s .
PRACTICE: UNCOVERING THE THREAD OF TRUTH A t least o n c e a day, t a k e a f e w m o m e n t s t o d o a n e x p l o r a t i o n o f t r u t h . A s k yourself, " W h a t i s t h e t r u t h o f m y e x p e r i e n c e r i g h t n o w ? " R e m e m b e r , t h e c o n t e n t i s less i m p o r t a n t t h a n r e c o g n i z i n g the key element in your experience: the deepest, m o s t f u n d a m e n tal t h r e a d o t w h a t i s h a p p e n i n g for y o u . I t m i g h t b e a n e m o t i o n t h a t u n d e r l i e s y o u r w o r d s a n d a c t i o n s b u t i s n o t b e i n g e x p r e s s e d directly. It m i g h t be a particular attitude toward w h a t is h a p p e n i n g that vou are d e t e r m i n e d t o h o l d o n t o . I t m i g h t b e a n e x p e r i e n c e i n y o u r b o d y t h a t y o u are t r y i n g t o a v o i d f e e l i n g . W h a t e v e r i t is, t h e r e c o g n i t i o n w i l l b r i n g s o m e felt r e s p o n s e o f a c k n o w l e d g m e n t a s y o u o p e n t o m o r e o f t h e t r u t h . N o t i c e h o w t h a t feels a n d b e c u r i o u s a b o u t h o w y o u r e x p e r i e n c e changes in relation to y o u r awareness of w h a t is t r u e .
Sue was twenty minutes into the movie w h e n she heard Frank c o m e into the house. M o m e n t s later, he came into the living r o o m and p r o ceeded to settle himself on the c o u c h , with his head on h e r lap so he could see the TV. She p u t h e r hands on his head and stroked his hair w h i l e they watched. W h e n the commercials began, he picked up the r e m o t e and m u t e d the sound. ' T m sorry about those c o m m e n t s back there o n the porch. T h e y were pretty o u t of line. It turns o u t that a y o u n g needy child in me was e m e r g i n g after that quiet time over dinner together. W h e n you asked about the movie, he wanted your attention and to be held by you, but I was not aware ot it. My j u d g e protected me from that y o u n g feeling by attacking your desire for contact. It blamed you for m a k i n g me feel vulnerable and so drove you away. Pretty interesting, d o n ' t you t h i n k ? " "I suppose. It certainly didn't make me feel wanted." "I know," acknowledged Frank, " b u t my j u d g e managed to terrify my child as well. My c o m m e n t s were directed at you, b u t they e n d e d up feeling like attacks on h i m for feeling vulnerable and needy. U g g h h , that is such an old attitude; it feels almost instinctual." "I bet that's true for most men," remarked Sue. T h e m o v i e had started again, so she t u r n e d up the sound. She was m o r e interested in being entertained than carrying on a psychological conversation. In particular, she was interested in snuggling with Frank on the sofa. Sue w r a p p e d her arms around h i m and settled in to enjoy R i c h a r d Dreyfuss and Bill Murray. After the m o v i e was over, Sue went into the b a t h r o o m to brush her teeth while Frank disappeared into the kitchen to do the dishes. - Well, Sue, it seems like you're back into your before-bed blobbiness. Will any of this day rub off on you? Electric t o o t h b r u s h d r o n i n g , s h e looked at herselfin the m i r r o r , c o n sidering her m i d d l e - a g e d features. It was very familiar to see herself as h e r j u d g e did: dumpy, uninteresting, aging, and a failure. But at this m o m e n t , s o m e t h i n g shifted, and she clearly felt that that viewpoint was s o m e o n e else's. In the mirror, she saw a stranger's face. O
You get really disappointed in me, don't you judge? Time for you to go to bed. , . . And please sleep outside.
Frank finished in the kitchen at that m o m e n t , and Sue heard h i m turn off the light. She had just b e g u n washing her n e w face w h e n he o p e n e d the d o o r to the b a t h r o o m and entered.
2 4 fvECAPPING
T H E J O U FIN E Y
I T I S N O W TIME t o r e v i e w t h e e n t i r e p r o c e s s o f d i s e n g a g i n g y o u h a v e b e e n l e a r n i n g . Y o u r w o r k s o far has b e e n t o see a n d u n d e r s t a n d y o u r identification
with
the j u d g m e n t
process
and
practice
different
t e c h n i q u e s t o h e l p y o u d i s i d e n t i f y f r o m it. P r i m a r y a m o n g t h e s e i s actively d e f e n d i n g y o u r s e l f a g a i n s t t h e j u d g e ' s a t t a c k . H o w e v e r , fullv d i s i d e n t i f y i n g f r o m a s e l f - i m a g e e v o k e d i n a n a t t a c k m a y t a k e years of g r a d u a l l y r e v e a l i n g all t h e ways y o u a r e a t t a c h e d to t h a t selfi m a g e . W h e n y o u c o m p l e t e l y disidentify, t h e a t t a c k s t o p s h a v i n g a n y effect o n y o u . Y o u m a y still b e a w a r e o f i t a r i s i n g i n y o u r m i n d , b u t it d o e s n o t distract y o u , e n g a g e y o u , or stop y o u from living y o u r life a t t h e m o m e n t . T h i s i s t h e g o a l o f i n n e r c r i t i c w o r k — t o d e c o n s t r u c t an a t t a c k so it is no l o n g e r a t h r e a t . T h e u l t i m a t e g o a l is to go b e y o n d d e f u s i n g specific a t t a c k s a n d d i s s o l v e y o u r e n g a g e m e n t w i t h t h e j u d g e a n d its s t a n d a r d s . H o w e v e r , this g o a l c a n b e r e a c h e d o n l y t h r o u g h d e f e n d i n g against specific a t t a c k s , w h i c h w i l l a l l o w y o u t o see t h e l a r g e r p a t t e r n o f s e l f - j u d g m e n t .
The
Structure
ofJudgment
I n r e v i e w : T h r e e f u n d a m e n t a l c o m p o n e n t s a r e n e c e s s a r y for j u d g m e n t to take place. You have e x p l o r e d each o n e as part of the o v e r all p r o c e s s o f u n d e r s t a n d i n g s e l f - j u d g m e n t . U n d o i n g t h e p o w e r o f the j u d g e ultimately d e p e n d s u p o n dismantling each c o m p o n e n t through understanding the truth about h o w it operates in you.
284
SOUL
WITHOUT
SHAME
First, the judge relies on standards and rules to judge you. T h e s e s t a n d a r d s are t h e a c c e p t e d g r o u n d f r o m w h i c h t h e j u d g e o p e r a t e s a n d g e t s its p o w e r o v e r y o u . T h e s e ideals o f b e h a v i o r are m o s t effective w h e n t h e y a r e u n c o n s c i o u s b e c a u s e y o u w i l l a u t o m a t i c a l l y b a s e your functioning on them without question.When you begin to be a w a r e o f t h e s e j u d g m e n t a l s t a n d a r d s , y o u find y o u i d e n t i f y w i t h t h e m a s n e c e s s a r y t o s u p p o r t y o u r beliefs a b o u t y o u r s e l f . P e r s o n a l t r u t h s e e k i n g o v e r t i m e w i l l reveal t h a t t h e s e s t a n d a r d s are e i t h e r false o r i r r e l e v a n t .
Second, the judge attacks you for not meeting its standards. T h i s is the guts of t h e j u d g m e n t p r o c e s s — t h e attacks. Hostile, d e v a l u i n g s t a t e m e n t s are t h e j u d g e ' s m o s t d i r e c t a n d p a i n f u l t o o l for m a k i n g y o u c o n f o r m t o its ( y o u r o w n ) ideals a n d s t a n d a r d s . M o r e subtle ways i n c l u d e r e m i n d e r s , advice, suggestions, w a r n i n g s , hints, c o r r e c t i o n s , praise, f l a t t e r y , a n d a p p r o v a l — a l l based o n t h e a s s u m p tion that y o u r w o r t h needs to be justified. Actively d e f e n d i n g against t h e s e a t t a c k s i s a vital skill r o o t e d i n k n o w i n g t h e t r u t h : y o u r v a l u e is implicit and n o t subject to j u d g m e n t .
Third, the attacks evoke a state of engagement, characterized by rejection or approval. D i m i n i s h m e n t , g u i l t , s h a m e , a n d r e j e c t i o n are t h e d e b i l i t a t i n g effects o f n e g a t i v e a t t a c k s . E v e n p o s i t i v e feelings o f r e c o g n i t i o n a n d a p p r o v a l a r e t h e r e s u l t o f a n " a t t a c k " b e c a u s e t h e y are based o n t h e j u d g e ' s standards o f h o w y o u s h o u l d b e . E i t h e r way, a t t a c k s e n g e n d e r e n g a g e m e n t , t h e j u d g m e n t l o o p that locks you into y o u r relationship w i t h the j u d g e . B e c o m i n g aware of y o u r a t t a c h m e n t to the child and p a r e n t self-images in the l o o p a n d g r a d u a l l y d i s i d e n t i f y i n g f r o m t h e m are t h e m e t h o d s o f b r e a k i n g y o u o u t o f e n g a g e m e n t activity.
T h e process of j u d g m e n t is disrupted by u n d o i n g any o n e of these three c o m p o n e n t s . W h a t is most i m p o r t a n t in the b e g i n n i n g is to stop t h e attacks. D e f e n d i n g activates strength in y o u and, over t i m e , m a n y o f t h e o t h e r aspects o f y o u r t r u e n a t u r e . W i t h o u t d e f e n d i n g , y o u h a v e n o r o o m for a w a r e n e s s a n d u n d e r s t a n d i n g t o o p e r a t e . W h e n y o u d o d e f e n d a g a i n s t a t t a c k s a n d c r e a t e s p a c e for yourself,
Recapping
the
Journey
285
i t i s easier t o e x a m i n e a n d q u e s t i o n t h e s t a n d a r d s y o u h a v e a c c e p t e d a s n e c e s s a r y u n t i l n o w . Similarly, d e f e n d i n g o p e n s u p s p a c e for c o n t a c t i n g t h e aspects o f y o u r t r u e n a t u r e , w h i c h will s u p p o r t y o u i n l o o k i n g at your identifications m o r e deeply and w i t h o u t j u d g m e n t . T h i s will g r a d u a l l y free y o u f r o m t h e e m o t i o n a l effects o f b e i n g attacked. Later, w h e n y o u have s o m e g r o u n d i n g i n y o u r t r u e nature, t h e j u d g m e n t c a n b e s t o p p e d a t a n y level: b y n o t a c c e p t i n g s t a n d a r d s a n d r u l e s o f s e l f - e v a l u a t i o n , a c t i v e l y d e f e n d i n g a g a i n s t t h e specific a t t a c k , o r n o t e n g a g i n g t h e a t t a c k (in o t h e r w o r d s , n o t r e a c t i n g t o t h e w a y i t m a k e s y o u feel). W h e n y o u r e c o g n i z e t r u e n a t u r e a s y o u r real i d e n t i t y , y o u n o l o n g e r i d e n t i f y w i t h j u d g e o r c h i l d s e l f - i m a g e s , and t h e c o m p o n e n t s o f j u d g m e n t disappear.
Disidentification D i s e n g a g e m e n t m u s t i n c l u d e actively d e f e n d i n g y o u r s e l f t h r o u g h m e t h o d s such as those presented in chapter 20, and it must be s u p p o r t e d b y the l o n g - t e r m w o r k o f disidentification. T h e w o r k o f disidentification is based on the practice ot b e i n g present with the truth of y o u r e x p e r i e n c e . You d o n ' t actually do a n y t h i n g to disidentify; y o u stop d o i n g s o m e t h i n g . Y o u s t o p i d e n t i f y i n g w i t h a n i m a g e o f yourself, w i t h a n y t h i n g o t h e r t h a n t h e l i v i n g t r u e n a t u r e o f y o u r s o u l . O f c o u r s e , this c a n o n l y h a p p e n w h e n y o u h a v e r e c o g n i z e d w h a t y o u are d o i n g w h e n y o u identify. A n d l e a r n i n g t o r e c o g n i z e that is exactly w h a t you have b e e n w o r k i n g on: gradually u n d e r s t a n d i n g m o r e a n d m o r e a b o u t h o w a n d w h y y o u identify until y o u fully u n d e r s t a n d i n y o u r m i n d , y o u r h e a r t , a n d y o u r b e l l y t h a t i d e n tification w i t h a small, d e f i c i e n t c h i l d is a c o m p l e t e m i s u n d e r s t a n d i n g . W h e n this h a p p e n s , y o u will s t o p i d e n t i f y i n g , a n d t h e j u d g m e n t will n o l o n g e r c o n t r o l y o u . L o n g - t e r m w o r k on disidentification is necessary to b r i n g the deepest transformation in your relationship to your j u d g e and y o u r self; i t takes t i m e t o d e v e l o p a c o m p r e h e n s i v e u n d e r s t a n d i n g o t w h o y o u are v e r s u s w h o y o u s o m e t i m e s t a k e y o u r s e l f t o b e . T h i s u n d e r s t a n d i n g i s m u c h m o r e t h a n m e n t a l analysis o r r e c o g n i t i o n ; i t involves y o u r w h o l e organism, y o u r total being. T h i s c o m p l e t e
286
S O U I. W I T H O U T S H A M E
u n d e r s t a n d i n g i s t h e t r a n s f o r m a t i o n itself, a s i d e n t i f i c a t i o n w i t h a n y t h i n g b u t t h e t r u t h o f w h o y o u a r e g r a d u a l l y d r o p s away.
The
Steps
of Disengaging
T h e process o f p l u n g i n g d e e p e r into y o u r e x p e r i e n c e requires m o v i n g b e y o n d t h e r e a l m o f t h o u g h t s a n d beliefs, w h i c h i s t h e w o r l d o f t h e j u d g e . T h e process y o u have b e e n w o r k i n g w i t h has b e e n p r e sented sequentially, b u t it is n o t a linear process; it does n o t o c c u r in n e a t s t e p s , a n d i t takes p l a c e o n l y a s m o r e a n d m o r e o f y o u a w a k e n s t o y o u r e x p e n e n c e . T h e f o l l o w i n g i s a s u m m a r y o f t h e steps i n v o l v e d in disengaging.You can use it to review w h a t y o u have l e a r n e d a b o u t this p r o c e s s . L e t i t s e r v e a s a g u i d e t o h e l p t h e m i n d p a r t i c i p a t e a s b e s t it c a n .
1. Recognize the attack.
C l a r i f y w h a t s t a t e m e n t , r e f e r e n c e , or i m p l i -
cation c a r r i e d the attack a n d e x p l o r e w h a t the j u d g e was saying i n its m o s t d i r e c t ( " y o u " s t a t e m e n t ) f o r m . 2. See/feel the effects of tfie attack. A r e y o u e x p e r i e n c i n g loss of e n e r g y , w e a k n e s s , n u m b n e s s , t i r e d n e s s , c o n t r a c t i o n , t e n s i o n , obsessive t h i n k i n g , a n x i e t y , s a d n e s s , fear, g u i l t , a n g e r ? 3.
Identify how the judge intends for you
to feel through
that attack.
Be
aware ot the emotional reaction provoked by the a t t a c k — s a d ness, fear, g u i l t , s h a m e , h u r t , h o p e l e s s n e s s , w o r t h l e s s n e s s — a n d t h e i n e v i t a b i l i t y o f this r e a c t i o n . 4.
Consider the standard you are being measured against through the judgment. H o w d o y o u feel a b o u t t h a t s t a n d a r d ? D o y o u b e l i e v e i t i s t r u e o r n e c e s s a r y for y o u n o w ?
5. Notice how you arc engaging with the attack through absorbing, rationalizing, or counterattacking.
C a n y o u see h o w t h a t a c t i v i t y k e e p s
y o u a w a y f r o m f e e l i n g t h e t r u e effect o f t h e a t t a c k o n y o u r s o u l ? 6.
Explore what self-image is evoked by the feelings generated by the attack. H o w does i t limit you? W h o was t h e original j u d g e ? C a n y o u r e c o g n i z e t h e p e r s o n w h o i s s p e a k i n g t o y o u t h r o u g h this selfj u d g m e n t ? H o w does that image oí yourself negate, diminish, or l i m i t w h o y o u are?
7.
Take definite active steps to defend yourself against the attack. T h i s is
Recapping
the
Journey
287
t h e aggressive m o v e m e n t t o w a r d t h e f r e e d o m a n d t r u t h o f w h o y o u a r e . W h e n y o u r j u d g e a t t a c k s y o u , let i t k n o w y o u d o n ' t w a n t its p r e s e n c e o r i n p u t . I f s o m e o n e else a t t a c k s y o u , s p e a k o r d o s o m e t h i n g t o clearly s e p a r a t e y o u r s e l f f r o m t h e j u d g m e n t . 8.
Follow what arises after disengaging. Be a w a r e of r e e n g a g i n g a n d your concerns about separation, aloneness, and n o t k n o w i n g . N o w i s t h e t i m e t o a t t e n d t o a n y useful i n f o r m a t i o n c o n t a i n e d in the attack.
Let's l o o k a t a n e x a m p l e t o see h o w t h e s e steps m i g h t o c c u r .
In
Session
Lois w a n t e d t o e x p l o r e s o m e t h i n g t h a t h a d left h e r f e e l i n g d i s t u r b e d and deflated. Earlier that w e e k , she h a d o p e n e d h e r mail a n d f o u n d a c h e c k for five t h o u s a n d d o l l a r s from h e r father. S h e h a d p r e v i o u s l y t o l d h i m t h a t s h e w a s l o o k i n g for a n e w car b u t h a d n o t a s k e d h i m for m o n e y . T h e gift c a m e w i t h a n o t e s a y i n g , " W e k n e w i t w o u l d b e h a r d for y o u t o afford t h e car y o u w a n t e d , s o w e are g l a d t o h e l p out. Enjoy!" I n s t e a d o f f e e l i n g h a p p y a s s h e t h o u g h t s h e s h o u l d , Lois felt T
uneasy, h u r t , a n d i f s h e w a s h o n e s t w i t h herself, s o m e w h a t a n g r y . I t d i d n ' t m a k e s e n s e , b u t s h e felt a s i f s h e h a d g o t t e n b a d n e w s i n s t e a d o f g o o d . A s L o i s p a i d a t t e n t i o n t o h o w s h e felt, s h e r e a l i z e d s h e felt attacked. T h e n e x t s t e p w a s t o find o u t w h y . W h e n I a s k e d i f s o m e t h i n g i n t h e n o t e b o t h e r e d h e r , s h e said, " Y e s , t h e r e f e r e n c e t o h o w h a r d i t w o u l d b e for m e t o g e t w h a t I w a n t e d . T h a t feels like s u c h a f a m i l iar d i g f r o m m y d a d : ' Y o u are o n l y a g i r l . Y o u c a n ' t b e e x p e c t e d t o p r o v i d e for y o u r s e l f . Y o u c a n ' t m a k e i t i n a m a n ' s w o r l d . ' H e always talked that way a n d c o n t i n u e s to treat me as if it w e r e true." " S o w h e n y o u r e a d this n o t e , y o u h e a r d y o u r father's v o i c e t h r o u g h y o u r o w n j u d g e saying w h a t ? " I asked. " I t s a i d , ' Y o u are a h e l p l e s s , i n c a p a b l e w o m a n . ' A n d t h a t m a k e s m e feel like a failure: w e a k , s t u p i d , a s h a m e d , a n d d e p e n d e n t o n h i m . It's a s i f h e w a n t s t o k e e p m e i n m y p l a c e b y s e n d i n g this m o n e y , a n d t h e n h e e x p e c t s m e t o feel g r a t e f u l b e c a u s e h e r e s -
288
S O U I W I T H O U T S H A M t
c u e d m e f r o m m y o w n financial h e l p l e s s n e s s . " Lois's a n g e r w a s p a l pable. She paused, a n d t h e a n g e r gave w a y to pain. " Y o u k n o w , w h a t ' s really sad is t h a t I h a v e i n t e r n a l i z e d t h a t i m a g e of myself. I engage with
t h e a t t a c k b y b u y i n g it, b e l i e v i n g i t s t r u e . E v e n
t h o u g h I can a n d do m a k e m o n e y and take care of myself in t h e w o r l d , I o f t e n t h i n k of m y s e l f as a d i l e t t a n t e : i n c o m p e t e n t , p r e tending, and ultimately needing a daddy to approve ot me, back me up, and take care of me w h e n I get o v e r w h e l m e d by the big w o r l d . T t h i n k t h a t is w h y 1 h a v e felt deflated s i n c e t h e c h e c k a r r i v e d . I t b e a r s o u t m y w o r s t fear a b o u t m y s e l f — t h a t I c a n ' t b e an i n d e p e n d e n t adult." " I s t h a t h o w y o u e x p e r i e n c e y o u r s e l f t h e s e days, a s a h e l p l e s s c h i l d ? O r i s this f e e l i n g s o m e t h i n g s t i r r e d u p b y this i n c i d e n t ? " L o i s c o n s i d e r e d t h e q u e s t i o n a s she r e c a l l e d h o w s h e h a d felt a b o u t herself in recent m o n t h s . " Y o u k n o w , I have actually b e e n feeli n g t h e o p p o s i t e : m o r e assertive, m o r e s u r e o t myself, a n d m o r e a w a r e o f m y o w n c a p a c i t y t o g e t t h i n g s d o n e . B u t this i n c i d e n t has t h r o w n m e b a c k i n t o a n o l d p a t t e r n , a n d t h a t sense o f b e i n g c a p a b l e feels far a w a y a t t h e m o m e n t . " M a n y avenues of exploration were o p e n to Lois, b u t 1 directed h e r b a c k t o t h e f e e l i n g o f b e i n g a t t a c k e d b y h e r father's n o t e . " H o w c o u l d y o u d e f e n d y o u r s e l f a g a i n s t t h e s t a t e m e n t t h a t y o u are a h e l p less, i n c o m p e t e n t w o m a n ? " "Just g o a w a y ! It's n o t t r u e ! " T h e m u s c l e s i n h e r j a w t i g h t e n e d , a n d L o i s l o o k e d a little like a p o u t y c h i l d . I a s k e d h e r i f t h a t w o r k e d . S h e said m a y b e , b u t s h e still felt t e n s e and n o t i c e d she was h o l d i n g her breath. I suggested that instead of t r y i n g t o c o n t r a d i c t t h e j u d g e , s h e c o u l d let i t h a v e its w a y a n d i g n o r e t h e i m p l i c a t i o n o f s h a m e a n d failure. Lois l o o k e d p u z z l e d , a s i f s h e h a d n o idea w h a t t h a t m i g h t b e like. I a s k e d h e r t o play h e r j u d g e and deliver t h e attack w h i l e I played her. " Y o u are n o t h i n g b u t a h e l p l e s s , s t u p i d girl w h o i s d e p e n d e n t on me to take care ot you." I g r i n n e d at h e r . " Y o u k n o w ; it's so t r u e . I c a n ' t do a t h i n g myself. A n d w h y s h o u l d I w h e n I h a v e a f a t h e r like y o u w h o gives m e all the m o n e y I need?" Lois l o o k e d a t m e i n a m a z e m e n t . M y response h a d s t o p p e d h e r
Hecupping
the
Journey
289
j u d g e c o l d . " B u t t h a t d o e s n ' t m a k e a n y sense. H o w c o u l d y o u say that? Y o u ' r e j u s t a g r e e i n g w i t h t h e a t t a c k . " "Yes, b u t I a m n o t a g r e e i n g w i t h t h e i d e a t h a t i t m e a n s s o m e t h i n g b a d . W h o cares w h a t t h e j u d g e says? T h e p o i n t i s t o g e t i t off my back. D i d that defense stop you as the j u d g e ? " " I t sure d i d . I d i d n ' t k n o w w h a t t o say. Y o u s t o l e all o f m y ammunition." "That's exactly the point. D o you think you c o u l d d o that?" " I d o n ' t k n o w . I n e v e r i m a g i n e d y o u c o u l d say s u c h a t h i n g . B u t I like it. I feel all this e n e r g y j u s t t h i n k i n g a b o u t it. Go a h e a d a n d try m e . " " L o i s , face it, y o u w i l l always b e a n i n c o m p e t e n t , s t u p i d girl i n n e e d of my help." " I s n ' t i t g r e a t — n e v e r h a v i n g t o g r o w u p a n d always h a v i n g y o u t h e r e w i t h m o n e v i n h a n d ? B y t h e way, c o u l d I h a v e s o m e m o r e ? " Lois c o u l d n ' t h e l p b u t l a u g h a s s h e e n j o y e d h e r little j o k e . H e r e n e r g y , lightness, and boldness indicated she was o u t from u n d e r t h e attack. L o i s has b e e n w o r k i n g w i t h h e r j u d g m e n t a l p r o c e s s for s o m e t i m e , s o s h e i s able t o b r i n g i n t o c o n s c i o u s n e s s its v a r i o u s c o m p o n e n t s w i t h s o m e ease. H e r e x p e r i e n c e p r o v i d e s a c o n c i s e e x a m p l e o í w o r k i n g t h r o u g h t h e steps o f d i s e n g a g i n g o u t l i n e d e a r l i e r i n t h e c h a p t e r . A s y o u u n c o v e r this p r o c e s s i n yourself, y o u w i l l p r o b a b l y m o v e t h r o u g h t h e e i g h t steps o v e r a n e x t e n d e d p e r i o d , w i t h o n l y o n e or a few t a k i n g place at a t i m e . For instance, step 7, t h e active d e f e n d i n g , m i g h t f o l l o w d i r e c t l y o n t h e h e e l s o f steps 1 a n d 2 , w i t h t h e o t h e r steps o c c u r r i n g b e f o r e o r after i n c o n t i n u i n g e x p l o r a t i o n .
Lois and the Eight Steps Let's l o o k i n m o r e detail a t w h a t h a p p e n e d t o Lois i n this p r o c e s s . I n this e x a m p l e , t h e steps u n f o l d easily for h e r . S h e b e g i n s w i t h step 2, by n o t i c i n g h o w she was feeling and r e c o g n i z i n g that h e r i n n e r e x p e r i e n c e was o t feeling a t t a c k e d . T h i s was w i t h o u t k n o w i n g w h a t t h e a t t a c k w a s o r w h y s h e felt a t t a c k e d b y s o m e t h i n g t h a t h e r m i n d said w a s a g r e a t t h i n g : r e c e i v i n g five t h o u s a n d d o l l a r s in t h e m a i l ! B y l o o k i n g a t t h e specifics o f w h a t h a p p e n e d — i n this case, t h e
290
S O U L \V IT H O LI T S H A M E
content of the n o t e — L o i s quickly uncovers the implicit statement of j u d g m e n t . She puts it in the j u d g e s words, as " y o u " statements. T h i s is s t e p 1. H e r e , it is c o m b i n e d w i t h an e l e m e n t of step 6, t h e r e c o g n i t i o n of the original source of the attack. T h i s recognition was obvious b e c a u s e the self-attack c a m e in an interaction w i t h t h e p e r s o n she o r i g i n a l l y felt j u d g e d by, h e r father. S o m e t i m e s , c l a r i f y i n g t h e a t t a c k i n g s t a t e m e n t will i m m e d i a t e l y b r i n g w i t h i t t h e awareness o f w h o m y o u heard it from as a child; at o t h e r times, y o u c a n n o t recognize t h e s o u r c e , a n d m o r e i n q u i r y will b e n e e d e d t o reveal it. T h e s e first t w o steps w e r e c o v e r e d i n c h a p t e r 4 , " R e c o g n i z i n g J u d g m e n t . " S t a t i n g t h e a t t a c k takes Lois r i g h t i n t o s t e p 3 , a s s h e feels t h e judgment's intention to keep her dependent and "in her place" by m a k i n g h e r feel w e a k , s t u p i d , a n d a s h a m e d . S h e i n t e r p r e t s t h e s e f e e l i n g s to m e a n s h e is a f a i l u r e . T h i s e x p l a i n s w h y s h e e a r l i e r felt uneasy, hurt, and a n g r y — t h e reactions to the unconscious experience of failure a n d d e p e n d e n c e . S t e p 3 is g e n e r a l l y a n a t u r a l result of p u t t i n g t h e f i r s t t w o steps t o g e t h e r b y l i n k i n g i n y o u r a w a r e n e s s t h e e m o t i o n a l effect o f t h e a t t a c k t o its a c t u a l c o n t e n t . H o w y o u are m a d e t o feel b e c o m e s t h e basis o f t h e s e l f - r e j e c t i o n p r o v o k e d b y m o s t a t t a c k s . T h i s y o u l o o k e d a t i n c h a p t e r 4 a s y o u saw t h e r e l a t i o n s h i p b e t w e e n j u d g m e n t and attack. T h e s e first t h r e e steps c a n h a p p e n i n a f e w m o m e n t s o f f o c u s e d a t t e n t i o n a n d i n v e s t i g a t i o n , a s t h e y d i d for L o i s , o r t h e y c o u l d t a k e days o r w e e k s t o clarify i n y o u r d a i l y life. R e m e m b e r , t h e j u d g e operates in y o u unconsciously m o s t of the t i m e — t h e standards, the a t t a c k s t h e m s e l v e s , a n d t h e w a y t h e y m a k e y o u feel. I t takes t i m e t o u n c o v e r t h e j u d g m e n t process, just as it t o o k years in c h i l d h o o d to completely submerge it into your unconscious. S t a y i n g w i t h h e r feelings leads Lois i n t o a r e c o g n i t i o n o f h e r a b s o r b i n g e n g a g e m e n t w i t h t h e attack, step 5 . T h i s is the material c o v e r e d i n c h a p t e r 8 , " E n g a g i n g t h e J u d g e . " Later, w h e n I ask h e r a b o u t h e r r e l a t i o n s h i p t o t h e j u d g m e n t a l beliefs, s h e sees h o w e n g a g i n g w i t h t h e a t t a c k has c u t h e r off f r o m a n o p p o s i t e q u a l i t y t h a t h a d b e e n arising in h e r recently Step 4 is t o u c h e d on only briefly by Lois in relation to h e r father's j u d g m e n t t h a t w o m e n are i n c o m p e t e n t . T h e i m p l i c i t s t a n -
Recapping
the
Journey
291
d a r d for h e r i s h e r l a t h e r ' s n o t i o n o f h o w s m a r t m e n are. I n r e s p o n s e t o m y q u e s t i o n , s h e b e c o m e s c o n s c i o u s t h a t s h e has b e e n s e e i n g h e r self r e c e n t l y w i t h o u t this s t a n d a r d a n d a p p r e c i a t i n g w h a t s h e sees. S t a n d a r d s are a c e n t r a l t h e m e i n c h a p t e r 6 , " W h a t I s J u d g e d ? " T h e s e l f - i m a g e t h e a t t a c k e v o k e s i n L o i s arises n e x t ; this i s t h e p r i m a r y e l e m e n t i n s t e p 6 . T h o u g h , i n this s e s s i o n , s h e d o e s n o t l o o k at the c h i l d h o o d e x p e r i e n c e on w h i c h t h e self-image is based, she senses h o w this b e l i e f a b o u t h e r s e l f has c o l o r e d h e r p e r s p e c t i v e o n h e r life i n t h e w o r l d . I t has k e p t h e r f r o m a c t i n g w i t h c o n f i d e n c e a n d assertiveness. C h a p t e r s 12, 1 4 , a n d 1 6 e x p l o r e t h e v a r i o u s e l e m e n t s o f this step. A s k i n g Lois w h e t h e r t h e c h i l d s e l t - i m a g e m a t c h e s h e r r e c e n t e x p e r i e n c e o p e n s t h e w a y for h e r t o shift from b e i n g c a u g h t u p i n t h e " k e r n e l o f t r u t h " o f t h e attack's c o n t e n t ( h e r f e e l i n g o f i n c o m p e t e n c e ) t o t h e d e e p e r effect i t i s h a v i n g o n h e r . W h e n h e r j u d g e s p e a k s t h r o u g h t h e n o t e , i t i s p s y c h i c a l l y s e n d i n g h e r b a c k t o a n early age. S h e m a y b e a t t e m p t i n g t o act a s a n a d u l t , b u t u n c o n s c i o u s l y s h e is e x p e r i e n c i n g herself as a w e a k a n d h e l p l e s s c h i l d w h o is n o t s m a r t e n o u g h . I t i s this i m a g e o f h e r s e l f — w i i i c h i s c o n t i n u i n g u n c o n sciously despite r e c e n t c h a n g e s — t h a t allows t h e j u d g e ' s statements t o find t h e i r m a r k a t t h e p r e s e n t t i m e . A f t e r Lois r e m e m b e r s s o m e sense o f h e r o w n t r u t h , I ask h e r t o c o n f r o n t h e r d y n a m i c w i t h t h e j u d g e actively t h r o u g h d e f e n d i n g , s t e p 7 . R e m e m b e r , all t h e u n d e r s t a n d i n g y o u g a i n w i l l h a v e little effect u n l e s s y o u act o n it. E v e r y t h i n g y o u h a v e l e a r n e d a b o u t j u d g m e n t , attacks, e n g a g e m e n t , a n d identification m u s t c o m b i n e w i t h y o u r o w n awareness, g r o u n d i n g , allowing, curiosity, strength, c o m p a s s i o n , a n d aliveness t o b r i n g a b o u t active d e f e n d i n g a s y o u p r a c t i c e d i n c h a p t e r 2 0 . R e c o g n i z i n g t h a t y o u are b e i n g a t t a c k e d i s n o t e n o u g h ; k n o w i n g h o w i t m a k e s y o u feel i s n o t e n o u g h ; k n o w i n g t h e history b e h i n d t h e attack is n o t e n o u g h . Y o u m u s t step o u t of t h e j u d g m e n t l o o p . T h i s i s t h e real s o u l w o r k . T h i s i s w h e n y o u actively identify w i t h y o u r s e l f a s o t h e r t h a n c h i l d o r p a r e n t . T h i s i s w h e n y o u assert y o u r f u n d a m e n t a l aliveness a n d f r e e d o m . T h i s i s w h e n y o u a l i g n y o u r s e l f w i t h t h e d e e p l o n g i n g t o b e real a n d p r e s e n t i n y o u r life a g a i n s t t h e s e l f - d e f e a t i n g e x p e r i e n c e o f j u d g m e n t . Lois b e g i n s w i t h a n aggressive d e f e n s e , b u t i t i s t o o s i m i l a r t o
SOUL
292
WITHOUT
SHAME
h e r l i f e l o n g s t r a t e g y o f t r y i n g t o d e n y h e r father's a s s e s s m e n t o f h e r . T h e d e s i r e t o d i s e n g a g e i s t h e r e , b u t t h e m e t h o d d o e s n o t free u p any of her constricted e n e r g y 1 suggest using exaggeration as an e x p a n s i v e , n o n c o n f l i c t u a l d e f e n s e . T h i s i s a m u c h m o r e effective a p p r o a c h for h e r i n b r e a k i n g u p t h e f i x e d p a t t e r n a r o u n d this f a m i l iar a t t a c k . T h i s d e f e n s e w o u l d n o t w o r k for s o m e o n e w h o i s still strongly identified w i t h the c o n t e n t of the attack. H o w e v e r , Lois h a d a l r e a d y e x p l o r e d this issue o f d e p e n d e n c e m a n y t i m e s b e f o r e a n d w a s b e g i n n i n g t o feel h e r o w n i n n e r s u p p o r t . S o w i t h m y m o d e l i n g , s h e w a s a b l e t o b r e a k t h e spell a n d e m b r a c e t h e w o r d s t h a t h a d always m e a n t s h a m e a n d failure t o h e r . W h e t h e r s h e w a s c o n s c i o u s o f i t o r n o t , t h r o u g h this d e f e n s e , Lois was c o n f r o n t i n g h e r d e e p belief that it is a p p r o p r i a t e to be j u d g e d for h e r feelings. S h e u n q u e s t i o m n g l y a c c e p t e d t h a t f e e l i n g weakness, helplessness, a n d stupidity m e a n s there is s o m e t h i n g b a d and shameful a b o u t her. This is the most fundamental standard exposed in her work. S t e p 8 i s t h e o n l y o n e n o t r e p r e s e n t e d i n this e x a m p l e . I t i s c o v ered in chapter 22, "After the J u d g m e n t Is G o n e "
Unraveling
Engagement
Active disengagement brings deeper recognition of w h a t is occurring in the j u d g m e n t loop ( w h o you have taken yourself to be and w h y a n d h o w t h a t affects y o u ) . A s this h a p p e n s , y o u n a t u r a l l y s e e y o u r o w n e x p e r i e n c e i n a different l i g h t . T h i s affects h o w y o u teel a b o u t y o u r life a n d w h o y o u are. D e e p e r s e l f - a w a r e n e s s o f t e n stirs feelings o f s a d n e s s a n d loss a t h a v i n g b e e n s o o u t o f t o u c h w i t h r e a l ity. O r i t m i g h t b r i n g d e s i r e a n d d e t e r m i n a t i o n t o see m o r e clearly i n t h e future. O r i t m i g h t ignite feelings o f i n d i g n a t i o n a n d o u t r a g e a t b e i n g m a d e t o feel s o d i m i n i s h e d a n d d e f i c i e n t i n o r d e r t o m a i n t a i n s o m e c h i l d h o o d s e n s e o f safety; O n t h e o t h e r h a n d , t h e g r e a t e r u n d e r s t a n d i n g m a y also b r i n g clarity, a c c e p t a n c e , a n d a p p r e c i a t i o n t h a t y o u w e r e d o i n g t h e b e s t y o u c o u l d all v o u r life g i v e n h o w i g n o r a n t o f t h e t r u t h y o u w e r e . W h e n this a p p r e c i a t i o n for t h e m o v e m e n t o f v o u r o w n s o u l arises, m o r e internal space o p e n s up. You will find yourself acting m o r e
Recapping
the
Journey
293
realistically a n d b e i n g less i n f l u e n c e d b y c h i l d h o o d beliefs, a t t i t u d e s , a n d fears. T h e best way to integrate the
understanding you
develop
t h r o u g h o b s e r v a t i o n a n d e x p l o r a t i o n i s t o actively c h a l l e n g e t h e c o n trol o f y o u r j u d g e . T h e d i r e c t a c t i o n o f s a y i n g n o t o t h e j u d g m e n t l o o p causes a shift i n y o u r i n t e r n a l r e s p o n s e t o a t t a c k s . Y o u w i l l d r a w u p o n y o u r o w n d e e p e r soul resources a n d in t h e process integrate t h o s e q u a l i t i e s i n t o t h e sense o f w h o y o u are. T o fully defuse a specific a t t a c k w i l l o f t e n t a k e m o n t h s o r years a s y o u live w i t h e a c h n e w b i t o f u n d e r s t a n d i n g a n d d i s c o v e r h o w y o u c a n act differently b e c a u s e o f it. O n e o f t h e g r e a t e s t c h a l l e n g e s t o this s l o w u n r a v e l i n g i s i m p a t i e n c e f u e l e d b y t h e j u d g e i t s e l f . T h e j u d g e will f o c u s o n w h a t h a s n ' t c h a n g e d ; " N o t h i n g s e e m s t o b e diff e r e n t . Y o u w i l l n e v e r really c h a n g e . . . . N o t h i n g is h a p p e n i n g , so w h a t g o o d w i l l i t d o t o try? It's h o p e l e s s . " I t i s i m p o r t a n t t o k n o w t h a t this p r o c e s s i s g r a d u a l a n d c a n n o t b e p l a n n e d o u t o r c o n t r o l l e d . S o m e shifts a n d c h a n g e s w i l l b e r e c o g n i z a b l e o n l v after t h e fact. S o b e w a r y o f t h e j u d g e ' s efforts t o d i s c o u r a g e y o u . This l o n g - t e r m process of disengaging from an attack requires unraveling the
identifications
that
spawned the j u d g m e n t . This
m e a n s n o t i c i n g t h a t t h e j u d g m e n t d o e s n o t reflect reality, u n d e r s t a n d i n g h o w i t arose, i d e n t i f y i n g t h e beliefs t h a t s u p p o r t it, f e e l i n g t h e e m o t i o n s i n v o l v e d , a n d r e c o g n i z i n g t h e i m p a c t o f h a v i n g lived a c c o r d i n g t o t h o s e beliefs for s o l o n g . I f y o u k e e p a t it, t h e t r u e u n d e r s t a n d i n g o f y o u r s i t u a t i o n will u n f o l d . A n d a s y o u b e c o m e m o r e g r o u n d e d i n reality, t h e w h o l e s t r u c t u r e o f beliefs, feelings, a n d b e h a v i o r s a r o u n d t h e specific a t t a c k w i l l n a t u r a l l y dissolve. T h e f i n a l r e s o l u t i o n o f a n a t t a c k i s usually u n r e m a r k a b l e . A s y o u w o r k on a j u d g m e n t , t h e attack c o n t i n u e s to operate in y o u , b u t g r a d u a l l y its p o w e r d i m i n i s h e s , t a k i n g less a n d less o f y o u r a t t e n t i o n a n d e n e r g y a s y o u r c a p a c i t y for s t a y i n g p r e s e n t g r o w s , u n t i l o n e d a y y o u h a p p e n t o n o t i c e t h a t p a r t i c u l a r a t t a c k has n o effect o n y o u a n y m o r e . I t i s i r r e l e v a n t . Y o u are n o l o n g e r s o m e o n e w h o cares a b o u t s u c h a c o m m e n t . Y o u are free o f t h a t a t t a c k . I t m a y e v e n s e e m s u r prising that it ever controlled y o u the way it o n c e did. W h a t is r e m a r k a b l e i s t h e s e n s e o f s i m p l e p r e s e n c e i n t h e s o u l w h e n y o u are freed f r o m e n g a g e m e n t w i t h t h e j u d g e .
Frank stood and watched Sue as she applied h e r evening cleansers. O
You're so good, washing the dishes, cleaning the countertop, and now waiting for her to finish. But just wait, she'll find something to complain about. Why do you even bother trying to please her?
R a t h e r than respond to his j u d g e , Frank found himself speaking to Sue. "You should hear the voice in my head. It is so repetitive. I used to think its me who's b o r i n g and mechanical, b u t I think my j u d g e is the real source of w h y my behavior so often feels e m p t y and repetitive. T h a t j u d g e is just a lifeless machine. I am here enjoying a simple activity like w a t c h i n g you, and it is d e t e r m i n e d to make me look at things and react to t h e m in a b o r i n g old way. Life is m u c h m o r e interesting if I just ignore that voice." Sue looked at Frank in the mirror. "It's nice that you want to look at me. I feel a little shy, b u t I like it." She t u r n e d and smiled at Frank, drying her face and l o o k i n g very o p e n and sweet. "It makes me feel alive and new, n o t stale and useless like I usually do." She dried h e r face and t h e n stood in front of h i m as he was l o o k i n g at her. ' Y o u know, I felt very alone after telling you to shut up. I really m e a n t it, b u t it was hard to have all that e m p t y space. 1 felt lost because [ had banished the k n o w n part, and what was [eft between us felt u n k n o w n . It's funny, I still sense that e m p t y space, but n o w it feels m o r e fresh and intimate. It's as if I k n o w you b u t I don't k n o w you. I k n o w me b u t I don't k n o w m e . That's exciting, and it makes me shy, t o o — n o t just because you want to look at me b u t because I have no idea w h a t you will see or w h o you are. B u t it's n o t scary " T h e n after a pause she added, " T h a n k s for watching the m o v i e with me." Frank t o o k her in his arms and felt h e r aliveness and his o w n . It was like a subtle c u r r e n t flowing t h r o u g h b o t h their bodies. He felt t h e m b o t h at a p o i n t w h e r e the mystery of the universe crossed over into the ordinariness of everyday life. He could think of no better w o r d to describe the teeling than "presence." T h e r o o m was filled w i t h prese n c e — a n d so were they. E v e r y t h i n g a r o u n d t h e m , including their o w n bodies, looked familiar, but at the same time, the familiarity felt like a transparent skin over an amazing u n k n o w n mystery. S o m e t h i n g rich and subtle and alive seemed to fill everything, and as he h u g g e d Sue, he felt a d e e p sense of gratitude p o u r i n g o u t of his heart.
25 PRESENCE
I T i s A P P R O P R I A T E I O e n d this b o o k w i t h t h e essenti.il q u a l i t y o f p r e s e n c e , for i t i s t h e m o s t d i r e c t d o o r w a y t o d i s c o v e r i n g y o u r t r u e n a t u r e . P r e s e n c e i s t h e e x p e r i e n t i a l quality' t h a t m a k e s y o u r s o u l s o m e t h i n g m o r e t h a n a gestalt o f e m o t i o n s , t h o u g h t s , a n d s e n s a t i o n s . A c o m m o n e l e m e n t i n all t h e s o u l aspects d e s c r i b e d h e r e , p r e s e n c e i s available t o y o u a t e a c h m o m e n t . P r e s e n c e i s m o r e difficult t o d e f i n e t h a n t h e o t h e r q u a l i t i e s w e have t o u c h e d o n because there i s n o e m o t i o n a l c o m p o n e n t , n o o b v i o u s s e n s a t i o n , a n d n o s t o r y l i n e a s s o c i a t e d w i t h it. P r e s e n c e i s the aspect of y o u r e x p e r i e n c e that c a n n o t be r e m e m b e r e d . It can be known
only
in
the
m o m e n t o f e x p e r i e n c i n g it, for w h e n
the
m o m e n t has p a s s e d , v o u r m i n d recalls o n l y t h o u g h t s , i m a g e s , f e e l ings, o r s e n s a t i o n s ; t h e p r e s e n c e i s g o n e . P r e s e n c e i s a p a r t o f o t h e r essential q u a l i t i e s s u c h a s c o m p a s s i o n a n d s t r e n g t h , b u t w h e n y o u r e m e m b e r e x p e r i e n c i n g these qualities, y o u can never r e p r o d u c e t h e sense of p r e s e n c e in t h e m . If you c o u l d , it w o u l d no l o n g e r be a m e m o r y — a past e x p e r i e n c e — b u t a p r e s e n t e x p e r i e n c e o f t h a t quality, an e x p e r i e n c e w i t h p r e s e n c e . S o this i s t h e p a r a d o x : Y o u k n o w p r e s e n c e o n l y w h e n y o u a r e e x p e r i e n c i n g it, a n d y o u c a n o n l y e x p e r i e n c e i t a s a n a s p e c t o f t h e p r e s e n t m o m e n t — h e n c e , t h e n a m e presence. T h r o u g h o u t this b o o k , I h a v e e n c o u r a g e d this a w a r e n e s s b y i n v i t i n g y o u t o b e i n t o u c h w i t h your
experience
here
and
now—to
be
aware
of the
present
m o m e n t . B u t w h a t does it actually m e a n to be in the present, to be present, to have presence?
296
SOUL
People
with
WITHOUT
SHAME
Presence
At one time or another, you've probably experienced s o m e o n e as having "a strong presence." (Presence need not be " s t r o n g " but w h e n it is " q u i e t , " it often goes u n n o t i c e d . ) Perhaps it was a speaker w h o h e l d y o u a n d e v e r y o n e else i n t h e a u d i e n c e s p e l l b o u n d . O r a guest at a party w h o drew people's attention and held it just by walking t h r o u g h the r o o m . It is hard to define w h a t "a strong p r e s e n c e " m e a n s , b u t i t refers t o a q u a l i t y y o u c a n s e n s e . Y o u m a y s e n s e a n intensity in the person's energy or a charisma that draws people or a solidness a n d substance that u n d e r l i e surface appe arance. In g e n eral, this q u a l i t y i s felt r e g a r d l e s s o f a n y t h i n g t h e i n d i v i d u a l m a y b e doing to c o m m a n d attention. In other words, presence is something m o r e t h a n a n e x p r e s s i o n o f his c o n s c i o u s i n t e n t i o n . I t i s s e p a r a t e f r o m t h e g l i t t e r a n d e n t e r t a i n m e n t o f a p p e a r a n c e . I n fact, w i t h o u t p r e s e n c e , all t h e craft a n d s h o w m a n s h i p i n t h e w o r l d a r e m e r e l y s h o w a n d o f little s u s t a i n i n g i n t e r e s t . It an i n d i v i d u a l h a s p r e s e n c e , it m e a n s t h a t h e r presence in a situ a t i o n , simply h e r b e i n g there, has i m p a c t . W i t h o u t d o i n g o r saying a n y t h i n g , s h e affects y o u . Y o u m i g h t n o t l i k e w h a t s h e says, b e u n c o m f o r t a b l e w i t h her tone, or find her clothing distracting, b u t s h e h a s s o m e q u a l i t y t h a t m a k e s y o u n o t i c e h e r a n d stirs s o m e t h i n g in you.You may have y o u r attention d r a w n by h e r striking a p p e a r a n c e , h e r p o i n t e d r e m a r k s , or h e r d r a m a t i c gestures, b u t if y o u are a w a r e o f t h e p e r s o n herself, i t i s b e c a u s e o f h e r p r e s e n c e . Y o u d o n ' t feel m a n i p u l a t e d b y h e r s u r f a c e a p p e a r a n c e t o stay i n t e r e s t e d ; y o u r a t t e n t i o n i s effortlessly d r a w n t o h e r a n d n o t easily d i s t r a c t e d . A w a r e ness w i l l n a t u r a l l y rest w h e r e t h e r e i s p r e s e n c e .
The
Experience
of Presence
Presence in y o u is the direct, i m m e d i a t e e x p e r i e n c e of y o u r o w n existence. It is k n o w i n g — w i t h certainty and not indirectly through m e m o r y or d e d u c t i o n — t h a t "I am here." N o t "I am here because I am aware of w h a t is going on a r o u n d m e " or "I am here because I feel s e l f - c o n s c i o u s " o r " I a m h e r e b e c a u s e I r e m e m b e r w a l k i n g i n t o t h e r o o m . " It is n o t even "I am h e r e b e c a u s e I sense t h e floor against
Presence
297
the b o t t o m s of my feet."You can approximate presence w h e n you are s e n s i n g y o u r b o d y — f e e l i n g y o u r p h y s i c a l e x i s t e n c e i n this m o m e n t — b u t e v e n this i s i n d i r e c t . W h e n y o u s e n s e a p a r t o f y o u r b o d y , y o u are still s e p a r a t e f r o m it. Y o u are s e n s i n g it, n o t s e n s i n g yourself directly T h i s is so unless y o u have t h e direct recognition t h a t y o u are s e n s i n g yourself a s y o u s e n s e y o u r b o d y , t h a t y o u are " p r e s e n t " i n y o u r b o d y a s y o u sense it. So p r e s e n c e is an e x p e r i e n c e ot t h e soul b e y o n d t h i n k i n g , feeling, or sensing. It is direct k n o w i n g t h r o u g h being: 'T am here b e c a u s e I e x p e r i e n c e myself actually b e i n g h e r e at this m o m e n t . " It i s s o s i m p l e , s o basic, a n d y e t s o u n f a m i l i a r b e c a u s e y o u w e r e n o t t a u g h t to r e c o g n i z e or value this way of k n o w i n g . P r e s e n c e is a w a r e n e s s a n d h e r e n e s s as w e l l as k n o w i n g . It is a c t u ally all t h r e e c o n d e n s e d i n t o o n e i n s e p a r a b l e e x p e r i e n c e o f b e i n g . T h e fact t h a t y o u are h e r e i s n o t d i f f e r e n t f r o m y o u r a w a r e n e s s o f yourself, w h i c h i s n o t different f r o m y o u r k n o w i n g t h a t y o u are h e r e . T h i s m a y s o u n d like w o r d p l a y u n t i l y o u e x p e r i e n c e i t a n d r e a l ize t h a t k n o w i n g , a w a r e n e s s , a n d h e r e n e s s are s o o b v i o u s l y o n e t h i n g ( p r e s e n c e ) t h a t y o u f o r g e t t h e y are u s u a l l y e x p e r i e n c e d separately. If y o u k n o w yourself as a p e r s o n r e a d i n g this b o o k , w i t h o u t b e i n g d i r e c t l y a w a r e o f y o u r s e l f a s y o u r e a d , y o u are n o t e x p e r i e n c i n g p r e s e n c e . I f y o u are a w a r e o f t h e s e n s a t i o n s t h a t r e a d i n g c r e a t e s i n y o u r b o d y b u t are r e m o v e d f r o m h o w t h a t e x p e r i e n c e i s you, y o u are n o t e x p e r i e n c i n g p r e s e n c e . I f y o u k n o w y o u are h e r e r e a d i n g this b o o k a n d h a v e n o a w a r e n e s s o f h o w t h a t i s h a p p e n i n g , y o u are not experiencing presence. Presence is your experience w h e n you are k n o w i n g y o u r s e l f a t this m o m e n t i n t h e e x p e r i e n c e o f r e a d i n g . T h e experience of presence can h a p p e n spontaneously w i t h o u t y o u r r e c o g n i t i o n . W h a t y o u n o t i c e i n s t e a d are c e r t a i n s e n s a t i o n s o r qualities arising in the field of y o u r awareness. D u r i n g vigorous p h y s i c a l activity, for e x a m p l e , o r after a s t r o n g o u t p o u r i n g o f e m o t i o n , y o u feel y o u r w h o l e b o d y w i d e a w a k e w i t h i n t e n s e aliveness. O r o n e a f t e r n o o n , y o u are c a p t i v a t e d b y t h e u n r e s t r a i n e d s p o n t a n e i t y o f small c h i l d r e n p l a y i n g . O r p e r h a p s y o u f i n d y o u r s e l f a b s o r b e d i n c o n v e r s a t i o n , e n g a g e d i n a c h a l l e n g i n g task, o r s i m p l y r e s t i n g after a l o n g day, a n d y o u r a w a r e n e s s i s c o n c e n t r a t e d i n t h e p r e s e n t m o m e n t w i t h n o s e n s e o f past o r f u t u r e . T h e s e are m o m e n t s
298
Soui. W I T H O U T SHAME
o f p r e s e n c e . M a n y p e o p l e are d r a w n t o b e i n g i n n a t u r e b e c a u s e i t elicits t h e s e m o m e n t s for t h e m . N a t u r e l o v e r s m a y n o t b e a w a r e o f e x p e r i e n c i n g presence; they only k n o w that s o m e t h i n g f u n d a m e n tal i n t h e i r n a t u r e i s t o u c h e d a n d n o u r i s h e d b y t h e p r e s e n c e o f t h e natural w o r l d . T h e vibrancy and immediacy of a living e n v i r o n m e n t evoke t h e living presence of the h u m a n soul. T h e s e r a n d o m o c c u r r e n c e s o f p r e s e n c e are s o m e t i m e s r e c o g n i z e d as special m o m e n t s a n d o t h e r times s e e m q u i t e ordinary. E i t h e r way, y o u u s u a l l y n o t i c e t h e q u a l i t y o f i m m e d i a c y less t h a n t h e affect i n v o l v e d ( e x c i t e m e n t , relief, f a s c i n a t i o n , c o n c e n t r a t i o n , stillness, fear). Y o u h a v e l e a r n e d t o a t t r i b u t e t h e p r e s e n c e i n y o u r e x p e r i e n c e t o t h e e m o t i o n a l c o n d i t i o n s o r historical causes o f y o u r situation. You have n o t b e e n t a u g h t to r e c o g n i z e yourself as t h e i m m e d i a t e s o u r c e o f aliveness a n d r e a l n e s s . All t h e j u d g e ' s a c t i v i t y c o n s p i r e s t o m a i n t a i n this o u t w a r d f o c u s . C u l t i v a t i n g a n a p p r e c i a t i o n o f p r e s e n c e m e a n s t u n i n g i n t o what you are i n t h e s e m o m e n t s o f h e i g h t e n e d aliveness.
Presence Is
an Endangered State
W h y i s i t t h a t s o m e t h i n g s o basic a s p r e s e n c e s e e m s t o b e s u c h a r a r e quality? O n e reason is that y o u w e r e n o t b r o u g h t up to recognize o r a p p r e c i a t e it. P r e s e n c e , b y itself, o f t e n d o e s n ' t a t t r a c t a t t e n t i o n ; i t i s s i m p l e , o r d i n a r y , a n d u n p r e t e n t i o u s . O f t e n lost i n t h e r a p i d - f i r e b a r r a g e o f s t i m u l a t i o n i n m o d e r n life, p r e s e n c e i s a m u c h s u b t l e r quality than h y p e or d r a m a a n d does n o t translate t h r o u g h v i d e o or p i c t u r e s . Y o u really h a v e t o o p e n t o y o u r i n n e r s e n s i n g t o r e c o g n i z e it. Y o u m u s t let g o y o u r f o c u s o n w h e r e y o u are g o i n g s o y o u c a n n o t i c e w h e r e y o u are. S o m e t i m e s , in situations such as a party, a p u b lic e v e n t , o r w a i t i n g i n l i n e , y o u h a v e m o r e o p p o r t u n i t y t o s l o w d o w n , relax y o u r goal o r i e n t a t i o n , a n d appreciate t h e p o w e r o f s i m ple presence in others. As y o u do this, r e m e m b e r that their presence has a b s o l u t e l y n o t h i n g t o d o w i t h t h e i r v a l u e o r usefulness for y o u . I t d o e s n o t c a u s e a n y t h i n g o r r e s u l t f r o m a n y t h i n g ; i t just is. T h e second reason w h y presence seems so unusual is because t h e r e is so little of it to be p e r c e i v e d . It is a r a r e p e r s o n w h o has real a p p r e c i a t i o n for t h e essential q u a l i t y o f p r e s e n c e , a n d f e w e r still
Presence
299
k n o w h o w t o c u l t i v a t e i t . T h i s i s a n i n t e r e s t i n g fact, g i v e n t h a t e v e r y o n e i s b o r n w i t h p r e s e n c e . A s a n i n f a n t , y o u are little else b u t p r e s e n c e . S p e n d a f e w m o m e n t s w i t h a b a b y a n d y o u feel it. W h e t h e r e n e r g e t i c o r q u i e t , solid o r s w e e t , t h a t p r e s e n c e i s p a l p a b l e . G r a d u ally, y o u lose t h a t u n m i s t a k a b l e q u a l i t y a s y o u a n d t h o s e a r o u n d y o u b e c o m e m o r e f o c u s e d o n w h a t y o u l o o k like, h o w y o u b e h a v e , a n d w h a t y o u say a n d d o t h a n o n t h e fact o f y o u r b e i n g . T h e less y o u a p p r e c i a t e p r e s e n c e , t h e less i t stays w i t h y o u . F u r t h e r m o r e , if y o u associated it w i t h feeling u n s e e n , y o u will u n c o n s c i o u s l y t e n d t o avoid f e e l i n g y o u r o w n p r e s e n c e . T h e result i s t h a t m o s t p e o p l e are c u t off from p r e s e n c e b y t h e t i m e t h e y r e a c h a d u l t h o o d . A d u l t s w h o still h a v e a s t r o n g p r e s e n c e are o f t e n n o t a w a r e o f it or see it as simply part of s o m e personal talent or attribute-—-such a s c h a r m , i n t e l l i g e n c e , sense o f h u m o r , o r p a s s i o n — r a t h e r t h a n a s a q u a l i t y i n itself. P r e s e n c e i s m o r e t h a n a n y c h a r a c t e r i s t i c o f y o u r p e r sonality: it is t h e n o w n e s s of t r u e nature, t h e i m m e d i a c y that is y o u , a n d t h e life a t t h e c e n t e r o t e v e r y e x p e r i e n c e y o u h a v e .
Presence
and
the Judge
T h e m o r e p r e s e n t you are, t h e m o r e y o u r a w a r e n e s s w i l l rest a n d f l o w n a t u r a l l y w i t h y o u r own e x p e r i e n c e . A s y o u h a v e s e e n , y o u r j u d g e i s actively d i r e c t i n g y o u r a t t e n t i o n a w a y f r o m b e i n g h e r e n o w ; i n t o t h e f u t u r e a n d b a c k t o t h e past, its task i s t o m a i n t a i n t h e f a m i l i a r i t y o f k n o w i n g y o u r s e l f a s y o u always h a v e , s o i t resists t h e freshness a n d m y s t e r y o t s i m p l y b e i n g i n t h e p r e s e n t . W h e n g r e a t effort i s n e e d e d t o h o l d y o u r a t t e n t i o n o n w h a t y o u are d o i n g o r f e e l i n g a t t h e m o m e n t , y o u are k n o w i n g y o u r s e l f t h r o u g h m e m o r y : y o u are not experiencing your o w n presence. If you were, then your awareness w o u l d n a t u r a l l y rest h e r e i n t h e p r e s e n t m o m e n t a n d f l o w w i t h y o u r experience.To be aware of y o u r i m m e d i a t e e x p e r i e n c e requires disengaging from t h e activity of t h e j u d g e a n d habitual patterns of r
a t t e n t i o n ( s u c h a s f o c u s i n g o n h o w o t h e r s feel a b o u t y o u ) w h i l e simultaneously cultivating the experience of y o u r o w n presence. P r e s e n c e i s y o u r u l t i m a t e g r o u n d for c o n f r o n t i n g t h e j u d g e b e c a u s e p r e s e n c e i n c l u d e s t h e k n o w l e d g e t h a t y o u exist w i t h o u t reference to any outside source. As l o n g as you believe you n e e d an
SOUL WITHOUT
300
SHAME
i m a g e o f yourself, a belief, a n i d e a , o r s o m e i n f o r m a t i o n i n y o u r m i n d i n o r d e r t o exist, y o u w i l l b e a t t h e m e r c y o f t h e j u d g e b e c a u s e i t lives o n i d e a s , beliefs, a n d i m a g e s . H o w e v e r , t h e m o m e n t y o u r e c ognize y o u r o w n existence i n d e p e n d e n t of any mental concept, the j u d g e b e c o m e s simply w o r d s i n y o u r m i n d , n o m o r e significant t h a n t h e label o n y o u r shirt o r the l e n g t h o f y o u r toenails. Labels a n d l o n g t o e n a i l s c a n b e useful a t c e r t a i n m o m e n t s a n d c a u s e p r o b l e m s a t o t h ers, b u t t h e y h a v e little r e l a t i o n s h i p t o o r i m p a c t o n w h o y o u a r e a n d w h a t i t m e a n s t o live y o u r life.
Cultivating
Presence
P r e s e n c e i s t h e state o f b e i n g d i r e c t l y a w a r e o f y o u r t r u e n a t u r e , t h a t w h i c h i s n o t affected b y h i s t o r y , l e a r n i n g , o r e n v i r o n m e n t . Y o u d o n o t n e e d t o k n o w i n w o r d s w h o o r w h a t y o u are i n o r d e r t o e x p e r i e n c e p r e s e n c e . Y o u j u s t n e e d t o k n o w that y o u a r e . P r e s e n c e i s n o t s o m e t h i n g you do, n o r can you do s o m e t h i n g to be present. Rather, you learn to recognize w h a t is not presence and w h a t prevents y o u from being present. Y o u r w o r k w i t h t h e j u d g e has b e e n a p r a c t i c e o f cultivating b o t h these recognitions. E x p a n d i n g y o u r awareness develops the g r o u n d for e x p e r i e n c i n g p r e s e n c e . I t e n h a n c e s p r e s e n c e b y i n c r e a s i n g y o u r p e r c e p t i o n o f y o u r p r e s e n t e x p e r i e n c e — n o t o n l y o f what y o u are e x p e r i e n c i n g b u t also o f y o u r s e l f a s y o u are e x p e r i e n c i n g . A s y o u r contact with presence develops, y o u r awareness can expand, flow, and rest w i t h y o u r i m m e d i a t e e x p e r i e n c e . A w a r e n e s s a n d p r e s e n c e w o r k t o g e t h e r , d e e p e n i n g y o u r e x p e r i e n c e o f y o u r life a n d y o u r s o u l n a t u r e . L i v i n g f r o m this p l a c e o f d i r e c t c o n t a c t w i t h y o u r o w n t r u t h g r a d u ally r e p l a c e s t h e n e e d for t h e j u d g e a s c o n s t a n t c o m p a n i o n . E v e r y t h i n g i n this b o o k h a s b e e n d e s i g n e d t o e v o k e i n d i r e c t l y the quality of p r e s e n c e — t h r o u g h increasing awareness of yourself i n daily life a n d t h r o u g h p r a c t i c e s t h a t c u l t i v a t e y o u r s e n s e o f y o u r t r u e n a t u r e a n d its e s s e n t i a l q u a l i t i e s . E a c h p r a c t i c e i n v o k e s o r e n c o u r a g e s contact w i t h a particular aspect of y o u r essence. Because p r e s e n c e i s p a r t o f e v e r y a s p e c t , e a c h p r a c t i c e also c u l t i v a t e s p r e s e n c e . F o r this r e a s o n , t h e r e i s n o f u r t h e r p r a c t i c e for p r e s e n c e itself. S i m p l y c o n t i n u e t o d e e p e n y o u r k n o w i n g o f w h o y o u are i n y o u r life a n d w h a t i t m e a n s t o b e alive, t o b e h e r e , a n d t o b e y o u .
FINAL
THOUGHTS
Y O U HAVE E M B A R K E D O N a j o u r n e y o f c o n f r o n t a t i o n a n d selfd i s c o v e r y t h a t w i l l free y o u r s o u l t o u n f o l d its p o t e n t i a l . R e m e m b e r , this b o o k i s o n l y a m a p , a w a y o f o r i e n t i n g t o t h e t e r r a i n , i t i s n o t t h e t r u t h i n itself b u t s i m p l y a w a y o f s p e a k i n g a b o u t t h e t r u t h . Y o u b r i n g t r u t h t o this m a t e r i a l b y w o r k i n g w i t h i t a n d m a k i n g i t c o m e alive i n y o u r o w n e x p e r i e n c e . I e n c o u r a g e y o u t o m a k e u s e of teachers and therapists to s u p p o r t y o u r process. T h e perspective a n d p r e s e n c e o f a n e x p e r i e n c e d g u i d e are i n v a l u a b l e i n h e l p i n g y o u stay o n t r a c k . M u c h m o r e c o u l d b e said a n d w r i t t e n a b o u t w o r k i n g w i t h j u d g m e n t . M a n y a s p e c t s b e c o m e a p p a r e n t o n l y after years o f travel and unraveling y o u r experiences along the way.Two such c o m p l e x issues h a v e b e e n t o u c h e d o n h e r e o n l y b r i e f l y : a p p r o v a l a s t h e p o s itive side o f j u d g m e n t a n d s e l f - h a t r e d a s t h e p r i m a l e n e r g e t i c f o r c e t h a t d r i v e s s e l f - a t t a c k . T h e s e c o n c e r n s lie i n t h e t e r r i t o r y o f f u r t h e r maps. A s the j o u r n e y c o n t i n u e s , j u d g m e n t appears i n shifting guises. Sometimes, the j u d g e b e c o m e s subtle and seductive as it turns you a g a i n s t y o u r s e l f . O t h e r t i m e s , i t i s a v i c i o u s d e m o n : b r u t a l , raw, a n d totally w i t h o u t disguise. T h e n again, j u d g m e n t can s e e m formless a n d p e r v a s i v e , a b a c k g r o u n d fog o f w r o n g n e s s o r e n e r g y - s a p p i n g a n x i e t y . O r i t m a y live c o m p l e t e l y i n s i d e a n d w i t h o u t w o r d s , m o r e alive i n y o u r cells t h a n a s c o n t e n t i n y o u r m i n d . I n s t a n c e s o f f e e l i n g s o m e r g e d w i t h negativity that y o u are u n a b l e t o separate yourself are e s p e c i a l l y d i s c o n c e r t i n g w h e n y o u h a v e l o n g b e e n c l e a r a b o u t t h e d i s t i n c t i o n b e t w e e n y o u a n d t h e o n e w h o stirs s u c h s e l f - a t t a c k . But do not be discouraged. H o w e v e r the j u d g e shows up, your
302
Final
Thouqhts
t r u e n a t u r e c a n s u p p o r t y o u o n t h e j o u r n e y . T h e real m a p i s r e a d y t o reveal itself i n s i d e v o u . Y o u r soul has a g r e a t e r i n t e l l i g e n c e t h a n y o u can i m a g i n e , p r e s e n t i n g you w i t h e x p e r i e n c e you can w o r k with and understand. It is your true support, your true guide, your true nature. A n d t h e u l t i m a t e fuel for t h e soul's u n f o l d m e n t i s l o v e o f t r u t h a n d t h e m v s t e r y o f reality. T h e m o r e this l o v e i s felt, t h e m o r e i t g e n e r a t e s in t h e s o u l a p r o f o u n d sense of s e l f - r e s p e c t , an a p p r e c i a t i o n for a n d v a l u i n g o f all m a n i f e s t a t i o n s o f w h o y o u are. S e l f - r e s p e c t gradually d e e p e n s i n t o a personal integrity a n d dignity, as y o u r e c o g n i z e that each manifestation is a potential revelation ot d e e p e r truth. A n d each truth can only b r i n g you closer to y o u r t r u e nature, t h e e x p e r i e n c e o f s i m p l y B e i n g . F r o m this p l a c e , t h e j u d g e itself a p p e a r s as a c o m p l e x a n d m y s t e r i o u s e x p r e s s i o n of t h e s o u l , a figu r e t o b e u n v e i l e d , a d o o r t o b e o p e n e d a n d passed t h r o u g h a s y o u l e a r n t o live w i t h o u t s h a m e i n t h e h e a r t o f life.
LIST
OF
AND
PRACTICES EXERCISES
Attuning to Inner Space Asserting
Your
214 True
Strength
224
Being with Pain
193
Being with the Stillness of the Night
261
Checking for Aliveness
150
Encouraging Curiosity
176
Exploring
Value
237
Exploring Internal Separation
272
Exploring Your Experience While U n d e r Attack
186
Identifying the Focus of Self-Attacks
86
Identifying Modes of Engagement
114
Letting the Judge Speak
141
Loosening Childhood Identification
207
Making R o o m for What's Excluded
168
Noticing What Your Parents Taught Your Judge
168
Observing Engagements in Social Situations
114
Observing Judgments/Attacks
63
Observing Self-Attacks on Expansion
86
304
Practices
and
Exercises
Observing Your Motivations Observing
Your
26 Reactivity
97
O p e n i n g to a Playful Heart
175
T h e Practice of Defending
254
Questioning Self-Improvement
168
T h e Reality of Driving Seeing H o w You Are Your Parents' Child Sensing Aliveness
38 167 9
T h e Sitting Practice
123
Uncovering the Judge's Gift
141
Uncovering the Judges Cover-up
140
Uncovering the Thread of Truth
281
FURTHER
RESOURCES
T h e approach to w o r k i n g with the j u d g e described in this b o o k is based on a path of self-realization and spiritual d e v e l o p m e n t called the D i a m o n d A p p r o a c h . T h e w o r k was discovered and developed by A. H. Almaas and is taught through the R i d h w a n School. T h e central practice of this path is inquiry into your o w n experience to discover the truth of w h o you are. If you are interested in k n o w i n g m o r e about this particular path, you can w r i t e to the R i d h w a n F o u n d a t i o n , a t P.O.Box 10114,Berkeley,CA 9 4 7 0 9 . T h e following b o o k s and article by A. H. Almaas may be of interest in reference to the j u d g e (superego), the d e v e l o p m e n t of the personality, the soul, and essential aspects of o u r true nature:
Diamond Heart. B o o k s 1, 2, 3, and 4. Berkeley, Calif.: D i a m o n d Books, 1987, 1989, 1990, 1997. Essence. York Beach, Maine: Samuel Weiser, 1986. Facets of Unity. Berkeley, Calif.: D i a m o n d Books, 1998. The Pearl Beyond Price. Berkeley, Calif.: D i a m o n d Books, 1988. The Point of Existence. Berkeley, Calif.: D i a m o n d Books, 1996. " T h e Work on the Superego." Berkeley, Calif.: D i a m o n d Books, 1977. Tlie Void. Berkeley, Calif.: D i a m o n d Books, 1986. O t h e r approaches to the j u d g e or inner critic that you might find of interest: Hal Stone and Sidra Stone. EmbracingYour Inner Critic:Turning Self-Criticism into a Creative Asset. San Francisco: HarperCollins, 1993. R i c h a r d Carson. Taming Your Gremlin: A Guide to Enjoying Yourself. N e w York: H a r p e r & R o w , 1983. Cheri
Huber. There's Nothing Wrong with You: Going Beyond Self-Hate.
M o u n t a i n View, Calif.: Keep It Simple Books, 1993. R o b e r t Firestone. Voice Therapy: A Psychotherapeutic Approach to Self-Destructive Behavior. N e w York: H u m a n Sciences Press, 1988.