Silenced Women

SILENCED WOMEN

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SILENCED WOMEN

ZENOBIA C.Y. CHAN

Nova Science Publishers, Inc. New York

Copyright © 2009 by Nova Science Publishers, Inc.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or transmitted in any form or by any means: electronic, electrostatic, magnetic, tape, mechanical photocopying, recording or otherwise without the written permission of the Publisher. For permission to use material from this book please contact us: Telephone 631-231-7269; Fax 631-231-8175 Web Site: http://www.novapublishers.com NOTICE TO THE READER The Publisher has taken reasonable care in the preparation of this book, but makes no expressed or implied warranty of any kind and assumes no responsibility for any errors or omissions. No liability is assumed for incidental or consequential damages in connection with or arising out of information contained in this book. The Publisher shall not be liable for any special, consequential, or exemplary damages resulting, in whole or in part, from the readers’ use of, or reliance upon, this material. Independent verification should be sought for any data, advice or recommendations contained in this book. In addition, no responsibility is assumed by the publisher for any injury and/or damage to persons or property arising from any methods, products, instructions, ideas or otherwise contained in this publication. This publication is designed to provide accurate and authoritative information with regard to the subject matter covered herein. It is sold with the clear understanding that the Publisher is not engaged in rendering legal or any other professional services. If legal or any other expert assistance is required, the services of a competent person should be sought. FROM A DECLARATION OF PARTICIPANTS JOINTLY ADOPTED BY A COMMITTEE OF THE AMERICAN BAR ASSOCIATION AND A COMMITTEE OF PUBLISHERS. LIBRARY OF CONGRESS CATALOGING-IN-PUBLICATION DATA Chan, Zenobia C. Y. Silenced women / Zenobia C.Y. Chan. p. cm. ISBN 978-1-60741-218-2 (E-Book) 1. Christian women--Religious life. 2. Theology. 3. Bible--Criticism, interpretation, etc. 4. Women--Social conditions. I. Title. BV4527.C4185 2009 248.8'43089951--dc22 2008037249

Published by Nova Science Publishers, Inc. Ô  New York

CONTENTS Preface

vii

Introduction

Viewpoint: The Politics of Sound Silence: Women’s Image in Cinema

3

Chapter 1

A Silenced Woman’s Account on Chinese Philosophy and Christian Spirituality

9

Chapter 2

A Silenced Woman’s Thought on Interpersonal Relationships and Its Implication for Christians in Chinese Contexts

23

Chapter 3

A Silenced Woman’s Interpretations on the Needs of Moses

37

Chapter 4

A Silenced Woman’s Perception on God’s Teaching in Exodus

45

Chapter 5

A Silenced Woman’s Analysis of a Church Leadership and Teamwork

55

Chapter 6

A Silenced Woman’s View on Divine Love and Romantic Love

69

Chapter 7

A Silenced Woman’s Experience: Lover Invisible

87

Chapter 8

A One-Minute Encounter, a Lifelong Memory

95

Chapter 9

Love through Pictures

99

Chapter 10

May I?

103

Chapter 11

Dreaming Princes

107

Chapter 12

“Silence” Means Something

109

Chapter 13

Two Poets

113

Chapter 14

A Swallow Flies into a Marriage

115

Chapter 15

Traveling by Bus

119

Chapter 16

A Fisherman

123

Chapter 17

The Tree

127

Chapter 18

A Silenced Woman’s Belief on Trinitarian Communion as Familial Love

131

vi

Contents

Chapter 19

A Silenced Woman’s Experience with Prayer

139

Chapter 20

A Silenced Woman’s Son

149

Index

155

PREFACE Silenced Women is a means to let the invisible women be seen, to let the voiceless viewpoints be realized, the hidden thoughts on what and how Christian issues, love and women’s life experiences can be revealed. It is not only a book about the author who is a Chinese woman behind the scene, but also a book for other silenced women who are marginalized and excluded from the “Centre” of power and representation. The motive of having this book is to let the author be visible in terms of making readers recognize both her experience and standpoints about Christian issues, love, and life encounters, and recognize the many undervalued women all over the world whose life stories are also significant and meaningful. In fact, we have to consider and treasure the many faces and contextual understandings of all unheard women, their uniqueness and similarities. Silenced Women is the perspectives, life experiences and creative works of the author who is a Chinese woman who experiences feeling invisible in the academia and in the society. It is a collection of writings with three foci which are Christian topics from a woman’s perspective, fiction consisting of suppressed and voiceless love stories in a Chinese-sociogender context, and the author’s life experiences of love and with her son. Silenced Women puts an integrative lens on academic and creative works by offering a majority of the literature-supported chapters and an imaginative ten love stories which have been rooted from the life of the author, from childhood to adulthood. The chapters focus on the following subjects: women’s image and cinema as the politics of sound silence; Chinese philosophy and Christian spirituality; interpersonal relationships and their implication for Christians in Chinese contexts; the needs of Moses; God’s teaching in Exodus; the church leadership and teamwork; divine love and romantic love; a silenced woman’s experience: lover invisible; the ten love stories; trinitarian communion as familial love; a silenced woman’s experience with prayer; and a silenced woman’s son.

INTRODUCTION Silenced Women is a book and a means for giving the voiceless women voices by giving my own experiences and perspectives on Christian issues and love and some personal stories. I am one of these silenced women all over the world. I think women in all nations with various socioeconomic status and religious preferences should have the right to speak up and represent their stance. The fact is that the dominant discourses of so-called successful women have heavily weighted on whether the women have climbed up the social ladders and on their level of productivity like earning income with from a job or career development which leads to social status. Eventually, women in public domains such as workplace and society have a higher recognition than women in the private domain like family spheres as a mother or wife. The women who have higher education qualification and professional skills will be viewed as more superior than the women who have little education or who are doing housework without a salary. In fact, I think women should not be evaluated with the above criteria of success. To me, every woman is unique and has values. Women should not compare with men. Women should not be compared with other women. What I mean is that any comparison is a pressure and inequality among human beings because each of us is the only one in the world. No one has the right to diagnosis who is good or bad, whose viewpoints should be taken or not. I wrote Silenced Women to give myself a place in academia and to let people know I exist. Moreover, Silenced Women hopes other nameless women believe that they can be heard by believing that they are a unique creature of God and that they are talented. The process of breaking up silence starts with the first step – speaking up and letting other people listen to women’s stories and standpoints showing all we can do. Then, the second step – deconstructing the artifact of useful/useless and successful/unsuccessful dichotomy of good and poor women. Finally, the third step – accepting other women’s experiences which shed some light on our own circumstances by reflecting and appreciating our own experiences. Within this book, a silenced woman means the author who wishes readers to become aware of the many invisible and marginalized women around them. I am one of these silenced women. Silenced Women has a total of twenty chapters. It is organized by three themes: Christian issues, fictional love stories, personal experiences of revisiting love, prayer journey and some childhood issues of my son. Chapter 1 gives a silenced woman’s account on Chinese Philosophy and Christian Spirituality. Chapter 2 tells a silenced woman’s thought on interpersonal relationships and its implication for Christians in Chinese contexts. Chapter 3 interprets the needs of Moses. Chapter 4 is about a silenced woman’s perception on God’s teaching in Exodus. Chapter 5 reports a silenced woman’s analysis of church leadership and

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teamwork. Chapter 6 utters a silenced woman’s view on divine love and romantic love. Chapter 7 demonstrates how an invisible lover was formed and its meanings to the author. Chapters 8 – 17 are the fictional ten love stories which have the deeper meanings of gender roles and expectations and then women characters of these stories are silenced by themselves and other people and societies. These ten love stories aim to reveal the hidden oppression experienced by the author who is a silenced woman. Love stories will never die. Therefore, these ten love stories take us to the imaginary realm of our mind and offer chance for us to revisit our own situation in such a technological and realistic world. Chapter 18 states a silenced woman’s belief on trinitarian communion as familial love. Chapter 19 shares a silenced woman’s experience with prayer. The book ends with Chapter 20 which offers some issues of my son.

VIEWPOINT: THE POLITICS OF SOUND SILENCE: WOMEN’S IMAGE IN CINEMA INTRODUCTION Women’s image has been a widely studied issue in gender politics, in cultural, social and media-related aspects for a long time. It arises from the awakening of the late 60s feminism wave and the uprising of women’s civil rights for equal voting rights, equal work and pay. Women now can’t be fired during their maternity period; otherwise the boss could be subject to a legal charge. Women’s image and identity is often studied in cinema especially in terms of a sexual object (especially in erotic and porn films) and heroine after being raped or hurt (especially in pink films). Women are sometimes described as funny faces, angels, beauty in romance films. Or as femme fatale in film noir, etc. However, no matter in what image women are represented, their similarity is that women scream a lot (especially in porn films, horror and monster films ) or talk too much in romance comedy due to eternal gender difference like “When Harry met Sally” (Rob Reiner,1989) or cry so much in weepy romantic Korean films, like The Classic (Kwak Jae-yong,2003). But as their value is conversely lowered by the larger and larger volume, they can have a voice. That means the louder they have a voice, the more inferior they become. This is a new observation or viewpoint. We can theoretically regard it as the politics of sound silence about women’s image in cinema. This article will analyze women’s image in five major film genres from erotic cinema, pink films, monster and horror films, film noir and romance films, etc.

FEMALE NUDITY IN EROTIC FILMS Women are often depicted as sexual objects basically in erotic movies. They are experiencing both pain and sexual climax at the same time. They are represented as either sex goddesses or lonely women hungry for sex, and men are the only final solution for satisfying their continuous sexual desires. In film theory, cinema apparatus and the dark theatre are both regarded as some hidden place for romance or sex of young lovers. They hide in dark seats in a corner and kiss or embrace or even have secret sexual behavior, etc. In nature, cinema is sexual and violent in its metaphysical form. That is why erotic films never die in film history. Erotic movies are a dream world where we live out the sinful, shameless and infinitely gratifying sexual fantasies that are off-limits in real life. According to psychoanalyst C. G. Jung, “The cinema…makes it possible to experience without danger all the excitement,

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passion, and desirousness which must be repressed in a humanitarian ordering of life.” Movie stars are called sex gods and goddesses because they are larger than life, exhibiting a superabundant physicality on the screen, a riot of flesh and fantasy. These actors and actresses are the embodiments of our desire. According to philosopher Georges Bataille, “Eroticism always entails a breaking down of established patterns,[the taboos defined by] the regulated social order…The domain of eroticism is that of the transgression of these taboos…Since film is a visual medium, it should come as no surprise that one of erotic cinema’s first transgression is illicit looking, as a voyeuristic camera catches a nude woman bathing in Le Tu (Apres le Bal, 1897).( Keesey Douglas and Duncan Paul. Ed ,2007:9-10). It is often stated that the camera apparatus represents a male’s sexual gaze at women as sexual objects according to well-known scholars Laura Mulvey’s feminist standpoint (1975). The female body is being objectified as a sexual spectacle. Women are a form of exhibitionism and men are a form of voyeurism. In cinema. For example, numerous Japan AV (adult video) and the well-known hard-core film Deep Throat (Gerard Damiano,1973).

REVENGING WOMEN IN PINK FILMS Women’s images are being represented as sexual weapon for revenge after rape. Women combine sex and violence (so called Pinky Violence) in pink films. Pink film (Pinku eiga) is a style of Japanese softcore pornographic theatrical film. Films of this genre first appeared in the early 1960s, and dominated the Japanese domestic cinema from the mid-1960s through the mid-1980s. I II In the 1960s, the pink films were largely the product of small, independent studios. In the 1970s, some of Japan's major studios, facing the loss of their theatrical audience, took over the pink films. With their access to higher production-values and talent, some of these films became critical and popular successes. IIIThough the appearance of the AV (adult video) took away most of the pink films audience in the 1980s, films in this genre are still being produced.IV One of typical Pink films is called Sex and Fury (Norifumi Suzuki, 1973). Women in this eroduction are so silent during revenging. Screen is full of blood and sweat. This pink film is a maximum soft porn and sexploitation. Pink films also had an influence on Quentin Tarantino’s Kill Bill Vol.1 (2003) and Kill Bill Vol.2 (2004).

I

Richie, Donald (2001). "After the Wave", A Hundred Years of Japanese Film: A Concise History. Tokyo: Kodansha International. ISBN 4-7700-2682-X. “For a time, almost half of the annual film production figures released in Japan were composed of these hour-long mini-features.” II Domenig, Roland (2002). "Vital flesh: the mysterious world of Pink Eiga" (in English). Archived from the original on 2004-11-18. Retrieved on 2007-02-19. “Since the mid-1960s, pink eiga have been the biggest Japanese film genre... By the late 1970s the production of pink eiga together with Roman Porno amounted to more than 70% of annual Japanese film production.” III a b c d e f Domenig, Roland (2002). "Vital flesh: the mysterious world of Pink Eiga" (in English). Retrieved on 2007-02-19. IV http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pink_film

Viewpoint

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SCREAM QUEEN IN MONSTER FILMS AND HORROR FILMS Ann Darrow (Fay Wray) in King Kong (Merian C. Cooper, Ernest B. Schoedsack, 1933) is the so-called “Scream Queen” in movie history. She is the most typical female character who is so frightened by a giant monster that she reacts by screaming. Actress Fay Wray was extremely sexy struggling with Kong’s chasing and affection in a primitive skull island. Actually, the actress mostly screams a lot without any other acting performance. At the end of King Kong, Kong escapes and climbs the Empire State Building (the World Trade Center in the 1976 remake) where he is shot and killed by aircraft. Nevertheless, as documentary filmmaker Carl Denham (Robert Armstrong) comments, "it was beauty killed the beast", for he climbed the building in the first place only in an attempt to protect Ann Darrow, an actress originally offered up to Kong as a sacrifice.V Actually, to trace back, Fay Wray is very famous for her “Scream Queen”. Beginning in 1932, Wray developed into the talkie era's first "scream queen," playing the imperiled heroine in five back-to-back horror/fantasy classics. Like Doctor X (1932), Vampire Bat (1933) and Mystery of the Wax Museum (1933), the Most Dangerous Game (1932), and King Kong (1933). It was in this film that the auburn-haired Wray donned a blonde wig to portray Ann Darrow, the wide-eyed, writhing, screaming object of the Mighty Kong's affections.VI Afterwards, many actresses acted as a similar scream queen in monster films/horror films/thriller films/Mummy films/Adventure Action films, etc. Like Julie Adams in Creature from the Black Lagoon (Jack Arnold, 1954), Angelica Lee in The Eye (Danny Pang, Oxide Pang Chun, 2002).

FEMME FATALE IN FILM NOIR Women are depicted as Femme Fatale who are so sexily dangerous and betray men in the end of story in film noir. When studying the structuring role of women in patriarchal ideology, Kaplan (1978, pp.2-3) best explains the role of women in film noir. “The film noir world is one in which women are central to the intrigue of the films, and are furthermore usually not placed safely in…familiar roles…Defined by their sexuality, which is presented as desirable but dangerous, the women function as an obstacle to the male quest. The hero’s success or not depends on the degree to which he can extricate himself from the woman’s manipulations. Although the man is sometimes simply destroyed because he cannot resist the woman’s lures, often the world of the film is the attempted restoration of order through the exposure and then destruction of the sexual, manipulating woman.” Many film scholars like Gledhill (1978) state that unstable characterization of the heroine, usually applies to the person who is likely to be a treacherous femme fatale; and Place (1978) examines the visual motifs through which two archetypical women—the spider woman and the nurturing woman—are articulated. Writing about the spider woman, Place comments that ‘the sexual woman’s dangerous power is expressed visually’ and details her iconography: long hair, cigarette smoke as a cue for immorality (Cook and Bernink, 1999, 187). Barbara Stanwyck’s performance as Phyllis Dietrichson in Double Indemnity (Billy Wilder, 1944) represents one

V VI

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/King_Kong http://www.allmovie.com/cg/avg.dll?p=avg&sql=B77568

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of the most powerful and disturbing noir portraits of a femme fatale—the destructive, duplicitous woman who transgresses rules of female behavior by luring men with the promise of possessing her sexually and then using them for her own, murderous, ends (Cook and Bernink, 1999, 189). Other famous femme fatales are dangerously seductive courtesan and spy (Greta Garbo) in Mata Hari (1932), Lulu (Louise Brooke) in Pandora’s Box (1929), lesbian vampire (Yutte Stensgaard) in Lust for a Vampire (1971), a nightclub singer Lola (Marlene Dietrich ) in The Blue Angel (1930), vamp(ire) Santanico Pandemonium (Salma Hayek) in From Dusk Till Dawn (1996) and the devil (Elizabeth Hurley) in Bedazzled (2000),etc. (Keesey and Duncan, 2007, 43).

WEEPING WOMEN IN ROMANCE FILMS Women are the target audience of romance films. Sometimes, women would be touched to cry at the end of the romance story. So Judith Mayne defined the Hollywood romance films between the 30s to 40s which aimed at making women cry by male film directors as ‘The Weepies’. And Molly Haskell first classified ‘The Weepies’ as women’s film. Moreover, Romance films usually deal with two members of a beloved couple who overcome endless obstacles to find a true love at a happy ending who lose the beloved one in a bittersweet mood in a classical romance film pattern. Famous romance films like Roman Holiday (William Wyler, 1953), Ghost (Jerry Zucker, 1990), and The Classic (Kwak Jae-yong, 2003); etc. Kissing is the most important love index in romance films. One leading man known for his sensational kisses was Clark Gable. A female fan once described Gable as “thrilling because no girl would feel safe with him for a minute”. Some of the most memorable kissing scenes are also accompanied by sexy pillow talk, which is not surprising given that both are forms of oral foreplay. In Cactus Flower (1969), when Walter Matthau tells Ingrid Bergman that “I think I’m going to kiss you,” her reply-“when will you know for sure?”-is sweetly encouraging (Keesey and Duncan ,2007,27).

CONCLUSION From the above classification, a woman’s image mainly depends on her appearance and sexual appeal. In erotic films, women are totally sexual objects for fetishism. Female nudity is a kind of sexual spectacle. In Pink Films, women are a sexual weapon for revenge. In monster and horror films, the function of sexy and semi-nude women is screaming. In film noir, women are dangerously sexy who betray men. In romance films, beautiful women or fanny faces are touched to cry. Actually, studies on women and the importance of women’s role in the media can be traced back to the National Organization for Women in the late 60s which was the first institution for studying women’s image in art and mass medium. And then “Women and Film” from 1970 to 1972 became the pioneer magazine for exploring women’s issues; “Jump Cut” and “Camera Obscure” in 1976 took a feminist film theory as the editorial standpoint. In the past, women’s image had been studied from a sociological viewpoint. Like Molly Haskell’s From Reverence to Rape (1974) and Marjorie Rosen’s Pop-Corn Venus (1973).

Viewpoint

7

Women’s image is reexamined whether it is being twisted or suppressed in classical Hollywood films. From the 70s, studies on women’s image is affected by semiotics to look at how women were a kind of sign being represented in cinematic discourse. The sexuality of women is naturalized and objectified at both denotation and connotation level. It is so “natural” that we seldom doubt the media reconstruction of this female as sexual object myth. This myth is mass-produced, mass-reproduced and mass-consumed to maintain the status-quo of patriarchal power in political, economic, social and cultural aspects (Lee, 1997.) In the traditional feminist film theory, from Marxist feminism’s viewpoint, the female is suppressed by patriarchal power and can be related to capitalistic infrastructure. Women’s image is being reexamined by contemporary feminist theorists. The inherently patriarchal nature of medium language (especially cinema’s voyeurism and fetishism) reconstruct women image is widely supported by feminist scholars like Laura Mulvey (1975) and Claire Johnston (1975). Female sexuality and female body is exhibited by Hollywood cinematic apparatus full of patriarchal ideology. Some key concepts of Laura Mulvey’s Visual Pleasure and Narrative Cinema are castration complex, fetishism, voyeurism, exhibitionism, scopophilism, phallocentricism, etc. Women as being gazed or male gaze, and the male/female relationship is in nature a matter of gender power. But Mulvey’s viewpoint is criticized for its inherent male vision. On the other hand, Lauretis (1985, 163) suggests a new language of sign and a narrative driven by female lust and female vision to explore the female voice and construct female subjectivity. So counter-cinema or an alternative cinema like feminist documentary or independent feminist film for women is needed to break the male-coded cinema language. However, the canonized feminist theories are built on the visual coding of women’s image in media. This inherent emphasise may also reflect the male-dominated subconsciousness or weakness of feminist film theory. As past feminist film theory overemphasizes the visual iconography and visual language of cinema, which unavoidably neglects the audio elements of cinema formation. If we reexamine the women’s voice in cinema, women tend to make sounds in films (like sex goddess in erotic films, scream queen in monster films, weeping women in romance films, etc), but their subjectivity is conversely lowered by the larger and larger volume they can have voice. That means the louder they have voice, the more inferior they become. This is a new observation or viewpoint. We can theoretically regard it as the politics of sound silence about women’s image in cinema.

REFERENCES Cook Pam and Bernink Mieke (1999). The Cinema Book. London: BFI Publishing. Haskell Molly. (1974). From Reverence to Rape: The Treatment of Women in the Movies. Harmondsworth: Penguin Books. Johnson Claire. (1975). Feminist Politics and Film History, Screen, Vol.16. No.3. Kaplan E. Ann. Ed (1978). Women in Film Noir, London, BFI. Keesey Douglas and Duncan Paul. Ed (2007). Erotic Cinema.USA: TASCHEN. Lauretis Teresa de. (1985). Aesthetic and Feminist Theory: Rethinking Women’s Cinema, New Germany Critique, no.34. Mulvey Laura (1975). Visual Pleasure and Narrative Cinema, Screen 16, No. 3. Rosen Marjorie. (1973). Popcorn Venus. New York: Avon Books.

Chapter 1

A SILENCED WOMAN’S ACCOUNT ON CHINESE PHILOSOPHY AND CHRISTIAN SPIRITUALITY ABSTRACT Chinese philosophy affects Chinese peoples’ way of viewing the meaning of life and their standards of morality, both obviously and subtly. The power of Chinese philosophy forms a distinct approach to how we consider our own identity and social identity in relation to our family members and society. Morality is the crucial life-long concern of defining a virtuous person. On the other hand, Christianity has many comprehensive doctrines that teach us to be ethical people who should love God and other people. Under the umbrella of Christianity, spirituality is one of the themes that allows us to have a promising life experience and ensures us positive mental health. Only with the fulfillment of our spiritual needs can we have a strong physical body and resilient psychological capability to regulate our thoughts and behavior, allowing us to reach the goal of being a morally good person. In light of these claims, I write this paper with four main objectives: (1) to discuss the features of two main schools of Chinese philosophy -Confucianism and Taoism -- in terms of morality; (2) to review some concepts of spirituality in medicine, mental health and Christianity, (3) to apply of some ideas of Taoism and Christianity; and (4) to discuss a possible partnership between Chinese philosophy and Christian spirituality to promote morality, leading eventually to a time when people will become trustworthy and humanistic -- close friends with other people and with God.

INTRODUCTION Are Chinese philosophy and Christian spirituality friends or foes? Can both help people achieve a high standard of morality? With improved opportunities for education, positive economic development, and rapid technological advancement, people today enjoy greater satisfaction on a material level, but have not gained much on the spiritual level. Possessing increased wealth, power, and social status does not mean people possess better ethics. In the contemporary age, people lack spiritual wellness and their moral standards may be declining. In light of this emptiness in the spiritual realm and potential waning of the importance of morality, a partnership may help

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create a new morality, with equal emphasis on individual effort (relying on inner strength, as taught by Chinese philosophy) and God’s grace (giving and receiving help from others, as taught by Christian spirituality). There are many connections between religion, morality and spirituality; in particular, religious experience can enhance the development of morality (Walker, 2003). In the United Kingdom, students’ spiritual and moral development has been given a top priority across the curriculum (Pike, 2000). In China, the ways in which religion contributes to promoting morality have been noted (Zhuo, 2000). Morality is defined as the need for, and possibility of, co-existence in human collective life (Zhuo, 2000, p.34). It usually refers to the need to make decisions based on whether things are right or wrong. When morality, religion and spirituality interact, there arises the possibility of promoting morality complimentarily. I would like to discuss this possibility with Chinese philosophy taking the part of “religion” and Christianity filling the slot for “spirituality.” The importance of spirituality will be stated first. Wellness for human beings can be divided into six main areas: intellectual, emotional, physical, social, occupational and spiritual (Hettler, 1979), all of which are interrelated. Spiritual wellness is defined as “pertaining to the innate capacity to, and tendency to seek to, transcend one’s current locus of centricity, which transcendence involves increased knowledge and love (Chandler, Holden, and Kolander, 1992, p.169).” For those who do not seek to fulfill their spiritual needs, it is hard to achieve morality, because these people do not have a healthy body and healthy mind. Those who are always physically sick or caught in emotional struggles or psychological inadequacy, do not have the logical intellectual ability and mental preparedness to be virtuous in terms of achieving a certain degree of morality that can meet both personal standards and social expectations. In this context, this paper will try to formulate a discussion about the interrelationships among Chinese philosophy, Christian spirituality and morality.

PAPER ORGANIZATION This paper consists of six parts: (a) a brief description of Chinese philosophy; (b) a review of the two main schools of Chinese philosophy - Confucianism and Taoism -- because both originated in China and still play an influential role in defining what morality is and how morality should be attained; (c) an overview of the concept of spirituality from medical, mental health, and Christian perspectives; (d) a discussion of some central premises of Christian spirituality and Chinese philosophy in regard to morality; (e) an application of the ideas of Taoism and Christianity; and (f) a conclusion on the need to build up moral society and overcome human weakness, and how this can be achieved by integrating Chinese philosophy and Christian spirituality.

CHINESE PHILOSOPHY There is some controversy over whether there exists a Chinese philosophy or not. This depends on how philosophy is defined. If considering ideological and logical reasoning features of philosophy, Chinese philosophy is quite different from that of the West. Chinese

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philosophy has different emphases, as in using the heart to feel the merits of wisdom and life experience, and not relying on deductive reasoning to make every philosophical idea explicit. As a result, Chinese philosophy is a sort of religion, or a mixture of religion and philosophy (Yu, 2005, p.176). Personal experience and an implicit understanding are required to reflect inwardly from an individual cognitive level. Chinese philosophy influences a majority of Chinese people’s thinking about how to be a good person and how to manage one’s conduct, and has done so since ancient times. Such powerful and subtle influences never disappear, despite the effects of modernization, westernization and globalization. It is noteworthy that many of these so-called old-fashioned ideals (especially Confucian ideologies on morality) have not been devalued. This implies that Chinese philosophy has a significant value in promoting morally acceptable behaviors and in maintaining social cohesion. In China, the functions of morality are given more weight than the functions of religion, whereas in Western countries, religious thought guides how people view the meaning of life and how they define proper modes of behavior (i.e., in accordance with the doctrine of Christianity). The Chinese view holds that morality is more important than religion, and any religion can help people be good. Chinese people therefore tolerate many kinds of religions, as long as they inspire people to raise their ethical standards. Westerners see religions as playing a pivotal role in teaching people to be righteous. This paper will look at the importance of Chinese philosophy in directing morality and explore how Christian spirituality can help people achieve morality as well. The historical and social development of Chinese culture is rooted in agriculture. People lived in small villages or in closed geographical communities in which they interacted with each other closely. People could not choose with whom they wanted to live. Therefore, kinship and neighborhood formed the bases for powerful social bonds. Additionally, the importance of manpower that farming families needed to survive led to cultivating concepts of unity and commitment to remind family members to contribute to their family. Thus, the concept of personal identity was closely tied to family identity. Family-centered values and behaviors eventually became a main part of people’s perceptions of where their responsibilities lay. Family relationships and family involvement became the primary values affecting ethics of thought and action. When examining Chinese traditional thoughts on the art of living and the importance of morality, we discover sound conceptual and practical foundations that enhance the quality of life and establish moral standards which can benefit individuals, families and societies by establishing clear roles for each person. This provides proof that Chinese philosophy certainly does exist, and its three key strands are Confucianism, Taoism and Buddhism. Confucianism and Taoism originated in China, whereas Buddhism came from India. Confucianism suggests the need for living in a meaningful way and that morality is the central premise of human life (Jochim, 1980). Taoism suggests the need for living in a beautiful way and artistic manner. Buddhism suggests the need for living with minimal attachments and seeking to transcend life and death. These three schools of philosophy share the common concern that human beings should outdo themselves. Their ultimate concern is to transcend one’s limitations and achieve the uppermost standard of morality by ongoing selfmonitoring and practice. Chinese philosophy acknowledges the significance of human experience and practical values. Scientific fact and empirical proof are not the main concerns of Chinese philosophy. Especially Taoism and Confucianism stress the importance of moderation and not acting out our emotions too dramatically (Chan and Palley, 2005).

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Generally, these three schools of philosophy agree that the development of morality depends upon our own efforts, and is not reliant upon some outside source -- quite different from the Christian way of understanding morality as a response to God’s words and a manner of living according to the norms of a Christian life.

CONFUCIANISM AND MORALITY Confucius (551-479 BC) is an historical mentor who continues to influence how Chinese ethics should be considered and implemented (Yu, 2005). The philosophy based on his teachings holds an optimistic view of human potential. It believes that people should strive to ignite their passion for life and achieve good ethics through self-cultivation (Lai, 2006), and points out that the difference between humans and animals is that we know how to behave ethically. Confucius introduced the concept of dao as the foundation of his ethical inquiry. Dao refers to a thing’s characteristic mode of existence or action and also to theory or discourse (Yu, 2005). He also states his other key ethical topic – ren. Ren has been defined as benevolence, love, good, humanity, humanness, virtue, kindness or the aristocratic clan (Yu, 2005). For example, everyone has his or her own roles and functions in the family and society. Clear roles and functions ensure a peaceful social order with a minimum of chaos. Confucianism suggests that a moral person is regarded as dao or ren (Wang, 2005). Heaven (tian, meaning literally “sky”) is regarded as having its own dao, as does everything, depending on whether it exists or acts in accordance with the dao of Heaven (Yu, 2005). The Confucian school sees the whole society as a moral community (Wang, 2005). Confucians believe that people are not born good, but born for the good (Wang, 2005). Ren is a cultivated disposition based on human characteristics. Ren as a general virtue means the quality that makes a person truly human. A person who is filled with and presents ren is a genuine human (Yu, 2005). Achieving ren is to return to li. Li refers to traditional Chinese ritual and cultural practices. It embraces a model of social hierarchy based on family relationships (Yu, 2005). Confucianism puts strong emphasis on the importance of the individual’s contribution to reach a state of moral maturity, respecting our Chinese cultural roots: responsibility to oneself, the family and the society. The kinship network with its emphasis on filial piety, hierarchal relationship systems within the family, the workplace and society at large, loyalty and caring for our significant others are the essential teachings of Confucianism (Lai, 2006). As a case in point, honor and respect are given to those who hold a high social position. This action affects our ideas about fairness and treating people according to systematic indicators. Emotional expression is suppressed. Confucianism holds the view that we should maintain emotional stability and not show our feelings in public because such displays allow others to see our weaknesses and imperfections, leading to loss of face. However, continued suppression and internalization of our true feelings makes people sick and leads to the development of many different types of mental disorders, such as depression and phobias.

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TAOISM AND MORALITY The link between Taoism and morality will be explored on the practical level, in its approach to helping people achieve freedom and become a fully autonomous “Self.” Taoism has many ideas for helping people reduce their burdens, whether inflicted by themselves or by others, and it leads us to a freer life by helping us be our true selves. I would like to focus on two concepts because of their therapeutic effects on mental health. Possessed of mental health and wisdom toward life, we can naturally act in a moral manner. More importantly, morality should not be defined only in relation to other people and social standards of what makes a person virtuous, but also in relation to one’s own feelings, listening closely to our own voices. We should be able to enjoy being the unique individuals we are, possessed of the desire to act naturally, not covering up our true nature.

Avoidance of Artificiality Zhuangzi suggested the need for avoiding artificiality in one’s behavior. When a person behaves in a certain way in order to please others, this person is acting unnaturally, in contradiction to his/her own will, and eventually he/she will lose his/her own voice and preferences. Acts for others, not for the self, are artificial, and force people into wearing masks and covering up their true selves. This does not benefit those it seeks to help, either, because they cannot interact with the true person. Furthermore, as interpersonal relationships are reciprocal, people act artificially toward the person who initiates artificial behavior, and they all learn to act in ways that please each other and cover up their true selves. An ongoing cycle results, and an atmosphere of indirect and ungenerous interaction and communication soon pervades couples, families, peer and social relationships. We should resist acting unnaturally, encouraging release of our true self, and reducing unnecessary pressure experienced because of the needs of pleasing other people. To act naturally and avoid too much modification of one’s behaviors and live in a care-free manner allows us to relax and creates a trustworthy culture for mankind.

Maintaining a State of Unawareness Breaking down the boundary between the subjectivity of being oneself and the objectivity of otherness can be achieved by always maintaining a state of awareness of mental wellbeing. This allows the tension between the inner self and the outer world to lessen, and we can experience a great sense of comfort, which in turn ensures a stable mind and minimizes inner struggle between the expectations of oneself and others. When we are too focused on our own existence and individuality, this makes us too self-absorbed and creates too much mental demand for success, fulfilling other people’s wishes, and acquiring material wealth. It does not allow space for freeing oneself from the material world and social competition. It is better to experience a peaceful inner landscape by deconstructing the divide between subjectivity (the physical and psychological being) and objectivity (the environment, social norms and social structure). This mentality is characterized by the phrase “just let go,” an

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attitude that does not take things too seriously, does not expect everything to happen within our own frame of reference, and is not surprised or disappointed if things do not happen according to our expectations and predictions. Life is unpredictable, but our mind can be trained to adapt to every situation by focusing our awareness appropriately, and integrating oneself into objective contexts. The two central tenets of Taoism -- avoiding artificiality and maintaining a state of unawareness -- help us cultivate a more care-free attitude toward daily life, resulting in a more positive mental attitude. Only when we achieve balance between mind and body, can we behave in a socially moral way voluntarily and not merely out of a desire to meet other people’s expectations or because of societal pressure. Indeed, we act ethically when and because we grasp the concept that life is about enjoying freedom and learning how to deal with daily matters in a more relaxed manner.

SPIRITUALITY: MEDICINE, MENTAL HEALTH AND CHRISTIANITY We should be able to love ourselves and other people voluntarily and naturally when our bio-psycho-social-spiritual health is maintained and promoted. As a health educator, I believe in promoting morality by achieving our spiritual well being. Actually, medicine and mental health have received much attention and much research on spirituality and health related topics have been conducted. The following paragraphs discuss the topics and applications of spirituality in these two professions, after which is an examination of how Christian spirituality is viewed.

Spirituality and Medicine The medical profession has looked into the therapeutic effects of spirituality on patients (Sloan and Bagiella, 2001; Weaver and Koenig, 2006). Extensive research on this topic has been conducted in areas including mental health, substance abuse, quality of life, positive health behaviors, and positive human traits, including forgiveness, gratitude, hope and finding meaning and purpose in life (Weaver and Koenig, 2006). There is a strong awareness of the importance of spirituality’s contribution to our physical and psychological health. Spirituality is not only perceived on an abstract level; its practical and transcendent characteristics apply where medical treatment and science cannot. Medication and surgery cannot give patients a strong will to live or facilitate patients in searching for the meaning of life. Future partnerships between the medical profession and theologians/experts in spirituality should be encouraged in order to equip doctors and other health care professionals with the knowledge that spiritual practice can help patients achieve better health.

Spirituality and Mental Health Spirituality and mental health have also been examined (Mirola, 1999). Mental health has been defined as the full manifestation of the individual’s potential to build a sense of self

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worth, to be satisfied with one’s social roles, and to adjust well to society (Yip, 2005, p.36). The positive effects of spirituality on mental health include the following aspects: spirituality and religion have been proven to exercise positive influence on career decision-making, selfefficacy, career values and job satisfaction (Duffy, 2006). The potential role of spirituality in school counseling has been noted (Hall and Dixon, and Mauzey, 2004). Even in social work clinical practice, the need to consider clients’ spiritual dimensions in order to promote their mental health has been suggested (Gotterer, 2001).

Spirituality and Christianity Christianity states that there is an infinite God who is compassionate to people. A common question asked by all religions is how we should lead a moral life (Davies, 1999). Diversity of religion is the norm in Hong Kong (Lai, 2001). Each religion has its own conception of spirituality (Johnson, Tilghman, Davis-Dick, and Hamilton-Faison, 2006). Cultural forces also affect our inner system of spirituality. Spirituality transcends the realm of religion to directly affect and change the reality and life of individuals. Spirituality refers to the totality of human life energized by an inner drive for self-transcendence, that is, for moving beyond self-maintenance to reach out in love, in free commitment to seek truth and goodness (Conn, 1996, p.9). Spirituality also means respecting each person’s right to choose a particular life path and continuing to love him/her in the name of Jesus (Salladay and Shelly, 1997). Spirituality is an experiential component of the wonders of nature and life (Johnson, et al., 2006). From the therapeutic viewpoint, the common consensus about the effect of religious involvement on psychological health is that it is positive (Schnittker, 2001). Furthermore, spirituality extends to the execution of God’s will through healing, confession and recovery of the inner world. Spiritual interpretation encourages us to acknowledge our negativity and weakness. A focus group study with fifty-five participants in Britain found a positive correlation between spiritual strength and finding meaning in life, wholeness/integration, inner peace and better quality of life (O’Connell and Skevington, 2005). From the theological angle, spirituality helps us build an effective relationship with God and other people. Spiritual integrity is achieved by the individual when an inner state of wholeness – i.e., well-being, harmony or freedom from contradiction -- is reached (Salladay and Shelly, 1997). Spirituality concerns how one relates to oneself and to other people (Taylor, 2006). Spiritual needs include four dimensions: meaning and purpose in life; a sense of sacredness; a trusting connection with others, nature, and an ultimate other such as God; and an authentic self developed through creativity, awareness, and inner freedom (Clinebell, 1966). Love, hope and forgiveness are spiritual needs (Salladay and Shelly, 1997). Issues related to morality, religion and spirituality show some links and interplay between the philosophical and cultural landscape of a particular place (Tirri, Tallent-Runnels, and Nokelainen, 2005). It seems that there is interdependence among morality, religion and spirituality. Indeed, religion has distinct spiritual functions for its believers who have general and specific spiritual needs. Additionally, most religions have doctrines to guide people’s ways of thinking and behaving in order to fulfill the mandate of the particular religion. It is thus that religions have impact on people’s morality. Religions affect deeply our spiritual

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health by allowing us to comfort ourselves when suffering, to revisit our unresolved guilt and psychological grievances, to increase the strength needed to keep living, to ignite our creativity, and to maximize our potentiality.

PROMOTING MORALITY: CHINESE PHILOSOPHY AND CHRISTIAN SPIRITUALITY Morality serves some regulatory functions on humans’ ways of thinking and acting in order to allow people to work and live with each other in mutual respect (Lu and Gao, 2004). The concepts of morality allow us to enjoy life on one hand, and to cooperate with others in our social system on the other hand (Lu and Gao, 2004). For Christians, morality serves these functions also, but extends beyond a responsibility for oneself to a responsibility to God. So, morality from the human perspective is limited to this world and the present life, whereas morality from a Christian perspective is unlimited, and pertains to this world as well as the heavenly realm.

Comparisons between the Three Strands of Christian Morality and Chinese Philosophy There are three interdependent strands of Christian morality: splanchnic, which means morality is based on the relationship between an organic being and its reactive nature; somatic, which emphasizes human community with its given forms of social life; and anastatic, which refers to the revelatory, venturesome, and morally creative strand (McClendon, 1978). The splanchnic strand holds that God’s goodness is beauty revealed. The somatic strand states that God’s goodness is a matter of fidelity and God is a perfect figure, while the anastatic strand tells us God’s goodness is beyond people’s ability to comprehend, such as the resurrection of Christ (McClendon, 1978). These three strands of Christian morality have some commonalities and differences with Chinese philosophy. Taoism emphasizes living well with nature, similar to the claims of the splanhnic strand. However, Chinese philosophy does not concur on issues of revelation, i.e., that nature is formed due to God’s creation or plan. Christ’s resurrection is not mentioned in Chinese philosophy and does not play a central role in encouraging people to rethink their lives and turn to the grace of God to safeguard them from their sins. The approaches taken by Christianity and Chinese philosophy differ mainly over whether God is present or not, and whether morality is achieved by internal regulation and practice or by heeding the words of God and using the help of the Holy Spirit. Confucianism suggests that people should pursue socially desirable behaviors while taking into consideration their family and their country (Li, Zhong, Lin, and Zhang, 2004). Fulfillment of familial and social obligations is the most important criteria for evaluating whether a person has good ethics or not (Huang, 2005). From the Christian perspective, the importance of being a child of God in Heaven in the future creates an internal identity that requires a Christian to pay attention to more than the present life. Therefore, people’s moral standards will be judged by God in the coming of the eschatology. Faith plays a pivotal role

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in encouraging people to be morally good in an ongoing manner, in order never to disappoint God. On the other hand, the ideologies of Taoism have been found an effective tool in dealing with adversity and stress, helping to ensure positive mental health (Da’an, 2003). The key belief of Christian spirituality -- that we have an eternal life, and that faith, hope, and love help us grow and develop – provides an ongoing motivation to live a fruitful life.

Ethical Expectations Chinese ethical expectations rest on two areas: the familial aspect and the emotional aspect. This family–oriented, relationship-driven mentality led to the formation of rigid social rules. Objective standards somehow were perceived as forces in conflict with certain Chinese ethics, such as the importance of “giving face” to others by not pointing out their wrongdoing directly; trying to be humble even if one does something outstanding; and tolerating others’ faults even if those others do not respect them and even cause them harm. Ethics demand that one not speak up and resist for the sake of one’s personal benefit. Unlike this Chinese way of relating, Christian doctrine encourages us to be honest with other people, but a humble attitude and appreciation for other people’s talents and opinions are also mentioned. These Christian doctrines can compensate for the weaknesses of Chinese-type interpersonal relationships. The ethical requirements of Chinese culture extend beyond individual and family levels. The ability to put oneself in another’s position should be encouraged in moral initiatives (Lu and Gao, 2004). The presence of political decisions and functions also effect the ethical direction of Chinese society, both traditionally and today (Li, Zhong, Lin, and Zhang, 2004). Kings in the past and politicians in the present mold or manipulate citizens’ thoughts and behaviors via policy enactment and implementation. Thus, the interrelationship between ethics and politics should be considered. However, ethics in Christianity are more pure, as they are needed to allow humans to reconcile and build a warm and effective relationship with God. Ethics do not become a political instrument, a means for fulfilling personal preference or a manner of ensuring social stability.

God and Parents: Moral Standards Robbins (1980) stated that Christians’ commitment to glorify God by all means is a significant moral requirement. In contrast, Chinese philosophy emphasizes the individual inner self, the need to monitor one’s behavior and the idea that one seeks to embody high moral standards out of a sense of responsibility to oneself, not to God. In brief, Chinese philosophy centers on internal effort and personal participation while Christianity emphasizes the external effort of fulfilling the words of God in order to achieve morality. From a Christian point of view, each person is created in the image of God (Salladay and Shelly, 1997). On the other hand, Chinese philosophy states that humans are born with characteristics of their parents; the blood ties of the several generations of a family are important. Therefore, good ethics are in part connected to effective parenting, not the word of God. The desires and expectations of parents are frequently stressed in Chinese communities. Benevolence and justice are also moral expectations of Christians (Robbins, 1980). According to the premises

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of Confucianism, the requirements of an ethical life include benevolence and righteousness (Wang, 2005). A person’s degree of ethics can be evaluated by how they comport themselves in matters of filial piety, courteousness, trustworthiness and righteousness (Li, Zhong, Lin, and Zhang, 2004). Some people might have the wrong conception that Christianity does not stress the importance of filial piety and obligation to parents, but actually the Bible states that children should respect their parents and parents should love their children too. However, the infinite figure, God, should be respected and praised even above parents. This is part of the reason that some Chinese people dislike Christianity, because they do not agree that the parental role in a family should be replaced by someone/something like God, which is beyond the Chinese cultural context. It is essential to realize that practicality is what makes theology useful in humans’ daily lives (Hull, 2000). Chinese people highly value dignity and reputation (Lai, 2006). Therefore, Christian missionaries should exhibit cultural sensitivity by not insisting that parents are inferior to God, so parents are respected by their children even after becoming Christians.

Reflections on Morality To a certain extent, the above examples of Chinese ways of perception and behavior can be regarded as good ethics that are executed by strong regulation of one’s own thoughts and actions. However, from another point of view, the Chinese seem to suppress their emotions and sacrifice their needs in order to deal with others in a harmonious way, and try to please others even when they actually dislike those people or disagree with their viewpoint. I believe that good morality can lead us to love ourselves and can lead other people to accept us. Eventually, a positive self-image and self-esteem will result, followed by constructive interpersonal relationships and social support from others. The resultant harmonious feeling, within ourselves and with others, can ensure our mental health. We receive satisfaction from self-confidence and self-definition on an individual psychological level, and we also receive acceptance and trust on interpersonal levels. How to be a person, a full person -- even a Saint -- are all central premises of Chinese cultures. Christianity suggests that the interaction between human beings and God enables people to be more complete. Traditional Chinese philosophy emphasizes the importance of people bettering themselves by embodying the ethics of self-regulation and self-sublimation. People should conform to society’s guidelines of good morality, under the surveillance of one’s self and others. The indispensable link between morality and spirituality, and the effect on it of cultural considerations, is clear. The ability to sustain one’s cultural distinctness while absorbing other culture’s merits depends upon politics, economics, social norms and the beliefs of a particular time in a certain geographical area. The different analogies that underpin Chinese philosophy and Christianity send them in opposing directions (Lai, 2001). However, it is possible to narrow this gap by acknowledging the two traditional mandates that contribute to morality as mentioned earlier. The two can work in partnership with mutual respect, because both play significant roles helping people achieve standards of morality for self-actualization and to coexist peacefully with others.

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APPLICATION OF TAOISM AND CHRISTIANITY We are often confronted with circumstances we perceive as negative, like suffering from diseases and disability, facing adversity such as unemployment, poverty and social stigmatization, and losses such as death of loved ones and significant others. Commonly, we experience a myriad of psychological responses such as anger, frustrations, sadness, powerlessness and hopelessness. If these feelings are not expressed properly and timely, some ill effects to our bio-psycho-social-spiritual health will result. Possible biological problems include weakened immune systems, leaving us more prone to disease, headaches, peptic ulcers, high blood pressure, and gastro-intestinal problems such as diarrhea or constipation, as well as other potential physical symptoms. On the psychological level, we may experience shock, denial, poor self-esteem, worthlessness and depression, among others. Social ramifications might include isolation, phobias, lack of social support and marginalization. Finally, spiritual costs might include losing a sense of meaning and purpose in life, lack of trust and faith, and experiencing an inner struggle between our own expectations and other people’s expectations of us. Disequilibrium in these four spheres (which are, in fact, interrelated) may be prevented and tackled. Possibilities for applying the ideologies of Chinese philosophy -- especially Taoism -- and Christianity to promote our spiritual wellbeing and help us lead a moral life (e.g., kindheartedness, openness, forgiveness) are discussed in the following. Two lines will be examined. First, we can change our perspective by realizing the infinite nature of God’s work. We then realize that, by comparison, our life’s hurdles and difficulties are minor indeed. When we understand the eternity of God’s power as compared to our timelimited sorrows and miseries, ours do not matter. 2 Corinthians (3:10, 4:17, 5:1-4) addresses the art of living and offers philosophical ways to view success and suffering. These biblical texts share common ground with Taoism. Second, we can count on God. God is so compassionate toward us. He takes care of us and plans the best for us. God will lead us to Heaven on the condition that we maximize our potential to love Him and other people, and behave morally, as suggested by the Bible. Our spiritual selves should not overreact to external phenomena like success, failure, gain and loss. We will maintain a peaceful mind and enjoy the security and contentment offered unconditionally by God as long as we have faith in Christianity and are loyal to God our Father. We have to work hard to build our relationship with God to ensure that He will listen to, and share with, us. The existence of God and the providence offered by Him allow us to experience an unchanging love and the knowledge that no matter what adverse conditions we are facing, He will stand by us. This is a supplementary point that can contribute to our spiritual well being. This is also a distinct strength of Christianity that is shared by Taoism, which suggests inner monitoring of our perspectives on life such as enjoying freedom, not taking things too seriously, and not acting artificially. Based on this illustration, we can see that both Taoist thought and the ideas of Christianity can work together toward the same goal: to help us lead a fully functional life and experience spiritual balance. Once we discover the art of living and adopt a flexible perspective toward events, moral behavior becomes our instant and natural response. The interdependency between spirituality and morality was discussed and the possible application of Taoist and Christian ideas was presented. The

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application of these ideas can equip us with a positive life attitude, help us have positive spiritual health, and encourage us to be morally good people.

CONCLUSION I have reviewed the concepts of Chinese philosophy (Confucianism and Taoism) in terms of how they address morality. Then I discussed how spirituality has been considered or researched in medicine, mental health and Christianity. In particular, Christian spirituality plays a role in ensuring positive mental health by encouraging us to be more moral. We fulfill our spiritual needs when we lead a life colored by deep reflection on the meaning of present life and the possibility of reuniting with God now and in the eschatological period. Only deeply moral people can enter God’s land and enjoy God’s indefinable grace. Therefore, morality is important not only in the presence of other people but also in eternality with God. Finally, despite the different analogies of Chinese philosophy and Christian spirituality, there are possibilities for a partnership between them – making morality a significant concern in human daily activity by respecting other people and minimizing socially undesirable acts.

REFERENCES Chan, L. W. C., and Palley, H. A. (2005). The use of traditional Chinese culture and values in social work health related interventions. Health and Social Work, 30(1), 76-79. Chandler, C. K.,Holden, J. M., and Kolander, C. A. (1992). Counseling for spiritual wellness: Theory and practice. Journal of Counseling and Development, 71(2), 168-175. Clinebell, H. J. (1966). Basic types of pastoral counseling. Nashville, TN: Abington. Conn, J. W. (1996). Women’s spirituality: Resources for Christian development. 2nd ed. New Jersey: Paulist Press. Da’an, P. (2003). The Tao of a peaceful mind: the representation of emotional health and healing in traditional Chinese literature. Mental Health, Religion and Culture, 6(3), 2003. Davies, C. (1999). The fragmentation of the religious tradition of the creation, after-life and morality: Modernity not post-modernity. Journal of Contemporary Religion, 14(3), 339360. Duffy, R. D. (2006). Spirituality, religion, and career development: Current status and future directions. The Career Development Quarterly, 55(1), 52-63. Gotterer, R. (2001). The spiritual dimension in clinical work practice: A client perspective. Families in Society, 82(2), 187-193. Hall, C. R., Dixon, W. A., and Mauzey, E. D. (2004). Spirituality and religion: Implications for counselors. Journal of Counseling and Development, 82(4), 504-508. Hettler, W. (1979). Six dimensions of wellness. Stevens Point, WI: National Wellness Institute, University of Wisconsin. Hull, J. M. (2000). Money, modernity, and morality: Some issues in the Christian education of adults. Religious Education, 95(1), 4-22. Huang, Y. (2005). Confucian love and global ethics: How the Cheng brothers would help respond to Christian criticisms. Asian Philosophy, 15(1), 35-60.

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Jochim, C. (1980). Ethical analysis of an ancient debate: Moists versus Confucians. JRE, 8(1), 135-147. Johnson, R. W., Tilghman, J. S., Davis-Dick, L. R., and Hamilton-Faison, B. (2006). A historical overview of spirituality in nursing. The ABNF Journal, Spring, 60-62. Lai, A. (2006). Eye on religion: Cultural signs and caring for Chinese patients. Southern Medical Journal, 99(6), 688-689. Lai, P. C. (2001). Hong Kong Christians’ attitudes towards Chinese religions: A critical review. Studies in World Christianity, 18-31. Li, P. Zhong, M. H., Lin, B., and Zhang, H. J. (2004). Deyu as moral education in modern China: ideological functions and transformations. Journal of Moral Education, 33(4), 449-464. Lu, J. and Gao, D. S. (2004). New directions in the moral education curriculum in Chinese primary schools. Journal of Moral Education, 33(4), 495-510. McClendon, J. W. (1978). Three strands of Christian ethics. JRE, 6(1), 54-80. Mirola, W. A. (1999). A refuge for some: Gender differences in the relationship between religious involvement and depression. Sociology of Religion, 60(4), 419-437. O’Connell, K. A., and Skevington, S. M. (2005). The relevance of spirituality, religion and personal beliefs to health-related quality of life: Themes from focus groups in Britain. British Journal of Health Psychology, 10, 379-398. Pike. M. A. (2000). Spirituality, morality and poetry. International Journal of Children’s Spirituality, 5(2), 177-191. Robbins, J. W. (1980). Narrative, morality and religion. JRE, 8(1), 161-176. Salladay, S. A. and Shelly, J. A. (1997). Spirituality in nursing theory and practice: Dilemmas for Christian bioethics. Christian Bioethics, 3(1), 20-38. Schnittker, J. (2001). When is faith enough? The effects of religious involvement on depression. Journal for the Scientific Study of Religion, 40(3), 393-411. Sloan, R. P., and Bagiella, E. (2001). Spirituality and medical practice: A look at the evidence. American Family Physician, 63(1), 33. Taylor, E. J. (2006). Prevalence and associated factors of spiritual needs among patients with cancer and family caregivers. Oncology Nursing Forum, 33(4), 729-735. Tirri, K., Tallent-Runnels, M. K., and Nokelainen, P. (2005). A cross-cultural study of preadolescents’ moral, religious and spiritual questions. British Journal of Religious Education, 27(3), 207-214. Walker, L. J. (2003). Morality, religion, spirituality – the value of saintliness. Journal of Moral Education, 32(4), 374-384. Wang, Y. P. (2005). Are early Confucians consequentialists? Asian Philosophy, 15(1), 19-34. Weaver, A., and Koenig, H. G. (2006). Religion, spirituality, and their relevance to medicine: An update. American Family Physician, 73(8), 1336-1337. Yip, K. S. (2005). Taoistic concepts of mental health: Implication for social work practice with Chinese communities. Families in Society, 86(1), 35-45. Yu, J. Y. (2005). The beginning of ethics: Confucius and Socrates. Asian Philosophy, 15(2), 173-189. Zhuo, X. P. (2000). Religion and morality in Contemporary China. The Irish Theological Quarterly, 65(11), 34-41.

Chapter 2

A SILENCED WOMAN’S THOUGHT ON INTERPERSONAL RELATIONSHIPS AND ITS IMPLICATION FOR CHRISTIANS IN CHINESE CONTEXTS ABSTRACT Across cultures, religiosity is embedded in the human mind. Christianity can promote individual psychological, socio-psychological, and socio-functional status. Chinese culture has specific assumptions and strategies around human dynamics that assist people in dealing with others in a humble and effective manner and that ensure social cohesion. Christianity teaches constructive methods for interacting in an ethical and trustworthy way. This paper reviews both general concepts of interpersonal relationships and the particularly Chinese approach to them. It also discusses how Christians living in a Chinese culture must be aware of this approach and flexible in their handling of interpersonal relationships. Understanding the Chinese approach to interpersonal relationships allows Christians to preserve their mandate to be honest and moral. Cultural sensitivity and awareness combined with Christian ethics can facilitate enjoyable and constructive human encounters.

INTRODUCTION Religious pluralism has been observed across Chinese history, within some Chinese families, and even within an individual’s own religious framework. Indigenization of religion happens in a cultural context that is the key determinant of whether the religion will be accepted and developed in that society or not. Culture is not simply a concept of unity or consensus. Culture is useful to maintain order. From a Christian viewpoint, there is disorder. The disorder can be divided into two categories: that between human and nature, and that between humans. Cultural forces involve people by collecting their input about values and actions, and the resultant communities protect people from some of the destructiveness of natural events like unpredictable weather changes and declining quantities of food. Also, people can live more harmoniously by negotiating a consensus of social rules and regulations that ensure that people take up their

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proper roles and functions. Productivity is maximized via tools like job descriptions and organizational goals; socially deviant behaviors are prevented via law enactment and monitoring measures like police and moral education. These are examples that illustrate the importance of culture, without which people cannot live together well in mutual respect. From the theological standpoint, culture is the grace given by God that allows people to live together in less conflict and experience more constructive relationships. The heart of Chinese culture dictates the vital premise of how to be a morally acceptable person and live in a meaningful manner. The Chinese place morality higher than religion, and religion is regarded as a means to help people reach society’s moral standards. Any religion that helps people have good morals is considered useful and will be accepted. If a religion offers other positive benefits, such as psychological support or satisfaction, these religions too will be promoted. The doctrine of a given religion is not the main concern, but rather, practical issues are given more weight. A case in point, I encountered a Chinese lady in her seventies in a park last month. She approached me and talked to me about the benefits of doing physical exercise. Then she gave me a leaflet about the gospel and Jesus. She asked me directly whether I believed in God or not. I replied yes. She was very happy and said that it was so nice to hear that. She further commented that belief in God can offer us eternal life, and that this is so good for us. Then, she asked whether I was a Christian or Catholic. I replied I am a Christian. She nodded her head happily and stated that being a Christian is much better than any other religion. Her reaction cannot be generalized to other older Chinese people’s views about Christianity, but we can infer that she is most concerned with the practical uses of a religion, instead of its doctrine. The Chinese culture of human relationships insists on a high level of acceptance of other people, the intention being to ensure positive interpersonal relationships, and the oppression of personal needs if these are opposed to social norms and cause negative impressions on other people. This can be regarded as both a merit and a limitation, depending on which perspectives are used: the importance of family cohesion and social stability, or the importance of fulfillment of personal needs and being honest with oneself and others.

PAPER STRUCTURE This paper comprises five parts: (a) an overview of Chinese culture; (b) an examination of the functions of Christianity in a Chinese context; (c) an introduction of interpersonal relationships; (d) a discussion of the Chinese approach to interpersonal relationships with implications for Christians; and (e) a conclusion.

OVERVIEW OF CHINESE CULTURE Culture can be viewed as the common perceptions, thinking, and behaviors of a particular group or community in a particular context. This context is shaped by many forces, like the majority of people’s values about good and bad, right or wrong, beautiful or ugly, socially desirable or undesirable manners and many other things. Culture also takes cues from

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people’s behaviors, manners, dietary habits, clothing, leisure, hobbies, etc. On a more abstract level, culture affects people’s considerations of moral standards. Moral standards affect people’s approach to self-management, such as self-reflection and criticism, and their monitoring by social norms and the surveillance of other members of their community. Due to the large landscape of China and the many sub-cultural rituals and values that vary among regions, a diversity and fragmentation of cultural ideologies has resulted. However, tolerance for a range of generic and specific Chinese cultures across place and historical, social and political spheres is found. Despite the many representations and interpretations of Chinese cultures, there are some commonalities rooted in ancient ideas about the development of ethical beliefs on the personal, familial and societal levels. How then can we analyze Chinese culture? One way is through the inquiry of structuralism, accomplished by examining historical facts. These historical facts can be further grouped into two lines. The first line includes the conscious subjects of human creation that are dynamic, historical and evolutionary in nature. The second line is made up of all that is governed by impersonal factors like economics, geography, physics and other static forces. The conceptualization of structuralism can be understood from a linguistic and musical perspective. Under the theme of linguistics, there are two structures: the surface structure, or words, and the depth structure, or syntax. We have to examine both the superficial and the inner layers in order to obtain a well-rounded understanding. When examining structuralism from a musical perspective, we are offered a metaphorical meaning: music should be perceived as a totality, i.e., it is non-reducible to individual and isolated elements. It is the “structure” (objective relations) that determines the manifestation: there are different levels of structures, and some levels may play a more important role than others. Once we remove culture from the structural levels and explore it thus, the basic economic, social, political and ideological structures will be revealed. Indeed, culture is the interplaying product of the aforesaid structures, formed into a totality. Chinese culture is a very big topic. For the present discussion, prior to discussing this culture in terms of interpersonal relationships, this paper will examine the potential functions of Christianity in Chinese contexts.

FUNCTIONS OF CHRISTIANITY IN CHINESE CONTEXTS Apart from the above overview on Chinese culture, the functions of Christianity will be discussed on three levels: an individual psychological level, a socio-psychological level, and a socio-functional level.

Individual Psychological Level Christianity offers people four themes of psychological fulfillment. Firstly, human life is full of ups and downs. Christianity gives people an ultimate meaning for these ups and downs: eternal life in heaven where there is no pain and suffering and we live together with God, our Father. Secondly, people have a desire to experience something beyond everyday

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life. Certainly, the Christian religion allows us to communicate with God via prayer and worship. Such transcendent experiences nurture our spiritual growth. Thirdly, people have a tendency to search for something beyond rational thinking that is passionate in nature. The Christian experience leads us away from routine life such as work and study. Fourthly, people yearn for an unchanged figure who gives us unconditional care and love. God provides this to us. Christianity fulfills these four types of psychological needs.

Socio-Psychological Level There are areas of the socio-psychological level of Christianity that include religious rituals, the development of self identity and the idea of collectiveness and a sense of belonging. Christians have faith in the presence of God, and social experiences that gather Christians together develop a social identity for these participants, as in the case of church members. On the other hand, as Christians, people will also experience the guilty feeling of having sins and will feel the mercy of God redeeming them. This Christian belief allows people to have a feeling of being accepted no matter who they are and what they did in the past. Moreover, participating in Christian activities provides a sense of self-definition, and Christians consider that they belong to the same body. This feeling of being part of a larger entity makes them feel supported and interrelated. The collectiveness and sense of belonging also give them a sense of security.

Socio-Functional Level Christianity promotes social cohesion and connectedness, building a society that provides more social support and willingness among people to share with each other. For example, being concerned with the meanings of life and death ignites our desire and drives us to think in a positive manner and be more persistent in overcoming hurdles and adversity. Also, Christianity can prevent crime, because the Christian doctrine emphasizes that we should avoid sin and live as ethical people. Christianity serves an influential educational purpose through religious studies and general education by delivering messages of morality. Thirdly, some Christian organizations provide social welfare and medical services, helping marginalized groups like the elderly, the mentally handicapped and new immigrants. Christianity clearly provides comfort and support on the personal psychological level, the socio-psychological level, and the socio-functional level. Therefore, Christianity can serve Chinese communities from the psycho-social level by promoting a more supportive, understanding culture which contemporary society is lacking, because the desire for wealth and power supercedes the pursuit of affective fulfillment and caring for others. As seen in the above examination of the functions of Christianity in Chinese contexts, Christianity definitely plays a positive role in enhancing personal psychological well-being and social stability. However, Chinese culture has its own conceptualization of and traditions regarding interpersonal relationships, while Christians are taught a set of ethical requirements for being a righteous person. The general review of interpersonal relationships below is followed by a specific review of some Chinese approaches to interpersonal relationship. This information will hopefully allow Christians to be more understanding when dealing with

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Chinese people who have been strongly influenced by their cultural beliefs about how to get along with others effectively.

OVERVIEW OF INTERPERSONAL RELATIONSHIPS Chinese culture and Christianity each have their own particular views toward interpersonal relationships. The coming sections discuss the generic understanding and concepts of interpersonal relationships, followed by a discussion of the Chinese approach to interpersonal relationships. Some implications will be drawn for Christians in order to enhance their interpersonal skills. No one can live alone within society. To live alone is to have a meaningless life, void of care, warmth, support and intellectual exchange with others. Such a person would have no understanding of who he/she is in relation to other people. Only with other people’s responses to us do we know who we are – and this knowledge is the meaning of life. There is no doubt that interpersonal relationships are at the core of how we are able to share our views and learn the views of others (Honey, 1988). Recognizing the diverse types of interpersonal relationships like couples, parent-child, siblings, peers, workmates, friends and many others; appreciating the constructive and positive aspects of interpersonal relationships like mutual trust and two-way communication; tolerating the destructive and negative aspects of interpersonal relationships like quarreling and mistrust -- all these combine to create the common ground of human interaction (Knapp and Vangelisti, 1996). Interpersonal relationships mean how we relate with other people. Relationships are interdependent in that how we act will affect how people react to us (Rawlins, 1992). Our perceptions of communication environments certainly will impact the quality of our interpersonal relationships (Fadlon, Pessach, and Toker, 2004).

Perceptions of Communication Environments Perceptions of warmth determine how we feel about other people. When we feel people extending warmth towards us, we are more likely to approach them. Perceptions of privacy address whether we experience the communication environment to be a place that will safeguard our privacy (Hanlon, 1996). We are more likely to share and build a positive interpersonal relationship with others in this setting. Perceptions of familiarity with others give a good impression and allow for closeness that permits self-disclosure, allowing twoway in-depth communication to occur (Rottenberger, 1992). In brief, these three perceptions affect the process of building interpersonal relationships.

Human Impulses In addition to these three perceptions, human impulses push people together. We have the inherent impulse to receive stimulation from other people (Weber and Harvey, 1994). We are curious, and want to gain new information and understand other views. We also have the

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impulse to express our experiences to other people (Fracaro, 2001). By expressing ourselves, we see ourselves from other people’s perspectives. We have the impulse to interact with others to obtain feedback on our thoughts and actions (Vanzetti and Duck, 1996). Sometimes we hope for encouragement and praise from others to justify our performance and integrity (Velsor, 2004). We have the impulse to enhance enjoyment of certain activities. We receive satisfaction from participating in social activities like worship and dining. These impulses encourage us to get closer to other people and to build up different degrees of interpersonal relationships, ranging from causal to significant.

Four Scenarios of Mutual Attraction In the process of building relationships with other people, four scenarios determine our attraction to another individual (Pearson, 1992). In the first scenario, the more rewarding we perceive a relationship with another person to be, or vice versa, the more likely we will attract each other. On the other hand, the more punishing we experience from another person, or vice versa, the less likely we will be attracted to each other. The second major factor is geographical advantage; if we are able to get near each other, the chance for us to attract each other will be higher due to the increased exposure. On the contrary, long distances lessen the chance that we can attract each other. Thirdly, we are more willing to approach a person who has a similar personality, preferences, values and lifestyle. Similarity lets us get closer. When too much dissimilarity exists, people are less likely to build long term relationships; however, human interactions are full of uncertainty and many factors influence the development of relationships, with many exceptional cases being possible. The fourth scenario regards appearance. From a psychological view, people tend to evaluate outer appearances like facial expressions and style of dress at a first encounter. The first impression affects our future impressions of this person; those who are more beautiful, we might like to deal with more, while unpleasant appearances (according to social expectations of beauty, like facial distortion or untidy clothing) might lower the degree of mutual attraction.

Five Types of Need Satisfaction Usually there are five types of needs we seek to have satisfied in an ongoing and authentic relationship with an individual. The five needs are: (1) affection, for sharing feelings and views and obtaining psychological support; (2) self-esteem, for mutual respect and acceptance building up our self-worth and self-image in the presence of a close companion; (3) security, for providing reassurance and showing a sense of honesty to each other; (4) freedom, for supporting each other’s individual development and having guidelines for deciding short- and long-term goals in different age periods and in different events; and (5) equality, for providing each person the opportunity to express their views and preventing power inequality in the relationship. Whether people can have an enjoyable and trustworthy relationship or not, depends on how well, and whether, these five types of needs can be fulfilled.

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Power in Interpersonal Relationships Whenever and wherever people have history, issues of power will be noted. Power can be both positive and negative in interpersonal relationships. The person in a relationship who can control the other person’s resources and outcomes obviously has power over that person. There are five types of power: (1) reward power based on the ability to provide resources and incentives; (2) coercive power based on the ability to punish, constrain or make life unpleasant; (3) legitimate power based on a position to which a person has been legitimately elected or appointed; (4) power exerted based on the skills and knowledge that a person possesses; and (5) referent power based on the fact that a person may have indirect influence on individuals. These types of power can be present in a particular situation singly or in combination with each other. Which types of power are present depends on the personal communication styles between the sender and the receiver, past history and experience, the current biopsychosocial status of both persons, and the communication setting. The longitudinal and multi-dimensional considerations of power issues in interpersonal relationships are important. The above generic review of interpersonal relationships is mainly based on western literature. Chinese people have embedded ideological and practical cultural guidelines about human interaction which, from the western perspective, appear to be lacking in transparency and objectivity. In sum, the Chinese style of interpersonal relationships is more flexible, diverse, implicit, relation-oriented and power-manipulated. The coming section will focus on how Christians should take note of this style and adapt their interactions with other people accordingly, but still preserve their Christian ethical standards.

CHINESE-STYLE OF INTERPERSONAL RELATIONSHIPS-IMPLICATIONS FOR CHRISTIANS Interpersonal relationships in Chinese contexts have many forms and can be viewed as the art and tactics of dealing with other people. In contrast to the western type of interpersonal relationships, the Chinese type is more indirect and influenced by Chinese philosophy like Confucian thought, which dictates the importance of getting along well with others and minimizing conflicts in the family and society. There are generally four directions to examine the characteristics of traditional Chinese interpersonal relationships, which are discussed below. Here tradition refers to the cultural heritage in a general sense; it cannot represent all Chinese ways of human interaction, comprising even contemporary Chinese societies like modern cities in China and Hong Kong. The process of westernization has given many Chinese people the chance to live, study and work in western nations, where they learn western ways of managing interpersonal relationships. The open door policy of encouraging free-trade allowed western culture to invade Chinese society, while family structure changed from within due to the single child policy in mainland China, which created more nuclear families and decreased three-generation families. These all diluted the Chinese-rooted conceptualizaton and strategies of interpersonal relationships. While recognizing the effects of a long historical and cultural background on interpersonal relationships, this paper will focus on the impact of tradition. Yet, it can still

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represent the majority of Chinese people’s manner of interacting within their family, peers, workplace, and society. The reasons are that there are subtle cultural influences that dominate how Chinese people position themselves in playing roles and fulfilling functions, as well as how they express their views and react to other people. The following sections on the characteristics of Chinese interpersonal relationships are broken into four main categories: power-oriented, other-oriented, relationship-oriented and family-oriented. As Christians, we have to be aware of the above four categories in order to deal with Chinese people in our family, peer group, church, workplace and community wisely and skillfully.

Power-Oriented The power-oriented category is the core value guiding the Chinese way of relating to other people. It means that Chinese people view the power held by other people as an important factor which affects their beliefs and behavior in human relationships. Likewise, Chinese people tend to have irrational trust in and dependency on powerful persons. These persons can be those who are older, hold high positions, have decision-making rights or have prestige because of their social status (e.g., education or knowledge, profession, affiliation with an authority or organization, and wealth). Chinese people recognize and consider such factors crucial when they communicate and work with these persons -- sometimes subtly, other times obviously. For example, people tend to respect a person with demonstrated knowledge, such as those who hold a doctorate degree; those in certain professions, like accountants, doctors and lawyers; or those with much wealth who own a luxurious house and car. This material-based perception of who has power is narrow-scoped in its understanding of people’s potentiality and integrity, but this is the world where high importance is given to material contentment, and those who have a direct role in influencing other’s thoughts and behaviors become important considerations, causing Chinese people to try to alter their actual feelings and intentions. They tend to cover up their true self and act in a way which is modulated in response to the other person’s degree of power. As a result, being highly sensitive in the presence of powerful people, they lack the courage to speak up and speak for themselves, and alternative views are more likely to be suppressed in order to play the role of obedient audience to those who have more power, and therefore, more to say. Eventually, people’s creativity is discouraged due to the oppression of individuals’ views and comments. We can see that power-orientation exerts influence on interpersonal relationships. Making power a pivotal factor in human relationships has some benefits. First, the people with power are the ones who make the decisions that affect everybody; therefore, people with less power have to work hard to survive in a power-driven culture. Sometimes this translates into a people who are more tolerant of adversity and motivated to equip themselves with many tools, such as great patience and resilience. In contrast, the limitations of putting too much emphasis on power in interpersonal relationships include a too-conservative citizenry who blindly obey authorities and lack creativity. The above analysis underlines the need for Christians to note the importance of power in Chinese culture. We should be mindful not to overuse and misuse power in a way that harms other people. We can use power wisely and positively when our motives are based in doing good for others, and not just for our own benefit. If we exert power only for own desires or to

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control others’ freedom, this is an act of selfishness that deviates from the Christian doctrine of loving our brothers and neighbors as God loves us. God gives us the freedom and opportunity to use power properly by giving us the example of the Holy Spirit, which inspires us to behave ethically and encourages us to avoid sin. The key is that Christians should not deny the occurrence of power in human dynamics, but rather perceive the helpful effects of power and implement it in the right manner.

Eight Types of Power Resources As the politics of power in Chinese contexts are different from the Western way of conceptualizing and applying power, so are the cultural factors, i.e., the family-centered, substantial rationality paradigm that dominates human interactions. Only with awareness of the eight types of power resources or power means (including coercion, manipulation, inducement, persuasion, legitimate, traditional, competent and personal) used in a majority of Chinese communities, can we recognize the cues and react skillfully in order to minimize the chances of direct conflict, misunderstanding, and other ineffective communications. Firstly, coercion means to exert power by using bodily strength or weapons in order to force other people to follow one’s instructions or demands. Chinese dislike coercion: the majority of Chinese people prefer peace and stability. The second type of power is manipulation, which uses ideological apparatuses like advertisements and mass media effects to influence people’s wills subtly. The third type is inducement, or giving awards and offering reinforcement with money or goods. The fourth type of power is persuasion, or changing people’s minds by verbal means. The fifth type is legitimate power that creates a contractbased society. Law enactment and regulations imposed by authorities are examples. The sixth type is traditional power, i.e., cultural beliefs, values and rituals, and the social expectations that are born of traditional ways. Examples are the common practice of giving red packets on the Chinese Lunar New Year, and the expectation that the younger generation respect and take care of their older relatives. The seventh type of power comes from an individual’s competence gained through specific qualifications, high social status, or money. This person can use their power to influence others because s/he is regarded as an elite, important person or knowledgeable professional. The final type is personal power. This person may know some key figures, prestigious people, or have close friends or blood-ties who can help her/him in certain circumstances by the mere fact of their connection. This relational power is commonly found in Chinese communities. Sometimes this power will allow people to bypass standard procedures and cause inequalities. For example, if someone says s/he knows someone in a company who has hiring authority, s/he might be given an unfair advantage. Christians should keep in mind the eight types of power listed above, three of which (traditional, competent and personal) are most prevalent in Chinese societies. As mentioned before, Chinese people attach the most weight and significance to relationships with others, conflict avoidance and respecting cultural heritage.

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Other-Oriented Chinese people’s perception of how other people view or evaluate them is another important factor affecting their way of interacting with others. They are highly sensitive to what other people think of them. They are less likely to take risks and more likely to follow the old rules and social traditions because this minimizes the chance of making mistakes and calling attention to themselves in a negative light. This keeps them safe, protected from other people having a bad perception of them. This other-orientation ranks one’s needs and actual feelings as a lower priority than preserving a good image in front of others. This behavior mirrors that of actors on a stage who wish to give their best performance, but the characters they portray do not reflect their real personalities. The strength of adopting the other-oriented mentality is that people are more polite and behave implicitly to prevent direct confrontation with other people. It requires stepping back and respecting other people’s opinions. On the other hand, this approach has limitations. Always acting in a socially desirable manner hides the true self and personal character. The attitude of preserving “face” can create an artificial boundary between people who really wish to build mutual trust and understanding: due to the reciprocal nature of human relations, when someone acts with many reservations, the respondent will typically react with a similar degree of reservation. Thus, indirect communication is the result. This concept of other-orientation is quite similar to the Christian way of treating others as equals, regardless of who they are and from what background they come. Christians should view everyone as unique and significant. Mutual respect and mutual support should be promoted in both Christian communities and Chinese culture. The other-oriented interpersonal concept has merit in that it allows us to adopt a humble attitude when dealing with others and to keep our minds open to others’ views. Eventually, this will allow conflicts to be minimized.

Relationship-Oriented A relationship-orientation in interpersonal relationships means the Chinese emphasize the importance of social networking, similarities and differences between people, and a desire for not causing harm in relationships. This approach arrives at a point where Chinese people consider substantive rationality more significant than procedural rationality. This means that values and beliefs are given more weight than objective rules and regulations. In the process of communication, the senders will consider who the receivers are, how they are related to each other, and how much power each holds. The rationales behind this are too subjective and concern themselves too much with who the receivers are in a rational context. On the contrary, procedural rationality is more objective in the sense that interpersonal relationships should be affected by the process and outcome of certain events, like employment and academic opportunities. With clear and explicit procedures and requirements for certain tasks or benefits, this can ensure fairness and transparency of an organization / community. The strength of the relationship-centered approach is that it tends to create a peaceful community, satisfaction of the status quo and non-competition between people when they have a strong connection and know some influential or powerful persons. However, this approach has some limitations, as it lacks systematic procedures to decide how final decisions

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should be made. It is unclear how people can fulfill the objective requirements of a certain task because the issues of fragmented relationships affect the process and many unpredictable relationships affect the process and outcome of events. Social justice cannot be ensured when everything is heavily viewed through this relationship-focused lens. This relationship-orientation is at odds with the Christian doctrine of viewing and treating everybody equally. The marginalization of minority groups -- like the very poor and disabled -- that can result from this approach should be prevented. Christians should not twist the facts or pretend in order to please those who know powerful people or have special relationships that can be used to their own benefit. Truthfulness and fairness should be maintained during human interaction. Nonetheless, the relationship-oriented interaction is very much a part of Chinese culture. This must be realized and dealt with properly.

Significant, Insignificant and Marginalized Relations Chinese people determine the degree of knowing, closeness, and commitment for different interpersonal relations according to three clear categories: whether these people are significant, insignificant or marginalized. The first category, significant relations, usually refers to people with blood ties. Chinese people admit the importance of a warm and caring attitude toward significant persons. The procedural or objective manner for dealing with people is typically defined by a lack of affective sharing and not showing concern for others. However, when interacting with significant persons, structural procedures are sometimes bypassed, and instead consideration is given to the degree of kinship with a person, as reflected by any blood ties, hierarchy, and duration of the relationship. Chinese people have the tendency to take care of and protect these significant persons at all costs. The commitment is life-long, and the responsibility includes sacrificing time, money and personal needs and interests in order to help these people without reservation. Especially in parent-child relationships, lack of individualism often results, due to the blurred boundary between child and parent and the ideal of a collective identity. Sometimes, over-involvement and a high degree of dependency are the ill effects of this significant relation. Chinese people have well defined criteria for who can or cannot be included in the significant category, according to their own values and beliefs, which are affected by both the primary socialization of their family and the secondary socialization of schools and society. The second category is insignificant relations. This category includes people without blood-ties. Chinese people often will express a humble attitude toward these people and, like any casual social relationship, seek to avoid conflict and strong emotional ties. An equity rule will be adopted during the interacting process at this level. For example, contracts will be used or legitimate power relied upon to regulate working together and negotiating for mutual benefit. The third category is marginalized relations. The features of this category fall between the above two categories and the interaction patterns are subject to different situations. Marginalized relationships have the potential to be regarded either as significant or insignificant, depending on the process and outcome of dealing with each other on an ongoing basis. For example, a person who has integrity, or is trustworthy, will bring benefits, compared to someone who is morally unacceptable or causes harm. A long term evaluation of both trivial and key issues of this person will be conducted to decide whether he/she is still in

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the marginalized category, or can be promoted to a significant relation, or downgraded to insignificant. In brief, Chinese people are more likely to maintain significant relations long term, due to the importance of concepts of wholeness, collectiveness and stability for living in a harmonious manner with comprehensive networking systems. Relationships with marginalized people may sometimes grow closer or more distant, and the frequency of interaction can vary also. These shifts often depend upon factors like compatibility of personality, the gains and losses of getting along with this person, and the ethics of the person. With insignificant relations, it is hard to create constructive, in-depth sharing and support structures that have a strong impact on people’s daily lives or important life events. Christians should grasp the fact that these categories are commonly recognized by traditional Chinese people and used in interpersonal relationships. However, some exceptional perceptions and implementations of the three can occur and be modified by people depending on the dynamics. Therefore, a contextual analysis of interpersonal relationship is encouraged.

Levels of Strategic Power Usage The proper usage of strategic power in different interpersonal relationships yields positive outcomes, such as preventing one person from controlling or taking a vantage point over the other. Strategic power means to exercise power wisely in response to the specific person in a specific interaction in order to protect oneself from disadvantages and to have control over the other. Strategic power is developed with flexibility and the ability to quickly assess others’ actions and motivations. The concept of strategic power originated in the military. However, the application of this power has been noted in many other areas, like business, commerce and even interpersonal relationships. In a metaphorical sense, human interactions are sometimes like a battle. Many elements -- including communication skills, settings, attitudes, mutual concerns, personal preferences and needs, and past history -- all influence which strategic power should be used. Strategic power has many forms. Generally, three levels of meaning can be classified: thick, moderate and thin. The thick level refers to the use of a forceful approach to overcome enemies or some harmful or hateful persons. It defines the intensity of power required for use with well-formulated strategies. The moderate level of meaning refers to the right amount of power skillfully exerted. If too much power is used, the relationship will be ruined or tense. If too little is used, passivity on one person’s part and dominance on the other’s will result. The moderate level of strategic power aims for constructive competition. A total defeat, resulting in pain for one side, is not the intention. Rather, the aim is to discover a way to work fairly together to finish the task. Being moderate can lower the chances of resistance, and can increase the possibility of working in a partnership. This is a rational way to use power systematically and responsively. The thin level of meaning is to use as little power as possible. The underlying intention is not to use power to force the other into changing his/her mind or behaviors; rather, one uses kindness and good ethics to reach a consensus. The other will be more willing to cooperate, the relationship is protected, and future interaction for other purposes will be possible.

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Christians should know that all three levels of strategic power should be used, but first, one should assess one’s own and the other’s strengths and weaknesses. A thoroughly contextual inquiry should be performed, and a prediction of the possible hurdles and gains in the process and the outcome should be made when deciding on how to manage the interaction.

Family-Oriented The final type of interpersonal relationships is family-oriented. Family is regarded as a unit made up of individuals, and has expectations of how each of those individuals should act. In a family-centered community, the hierarchical order within a family is important. Older family members and parents have more power. There are clear role definitions in the family, like breadwinner and nurturer. Individual preference is ranked much lower than the family’s wishes. For example, an adolescent might give up his/her own dream and try to follow his/her parents’ decision about what his/her academic or career direction should be, due to respect for the parents and a desire to play the role of a filial child. The mother usually acts as the main caregiver in the family, preparing meals, caring for sick family members, and offering affective support. Christians should realize that the strengths of the family approach are, first, a warm and cohesive family that results when each family member is concerned with other members’ feelings and needs, and the members’ willingness to fulfill their distinct roles in the family in order to help the family function properly. Familial identity becomes very important, more important than personal identity. The limitation of too heavy a family-focus in interpersonal relationships is, in some cases, the destruction and devaluation of the individual’s voices, needs and dreams. When every decision must first be considered from the other family members’ viewpoints, personal development will be limited. Lacking individualism and being tied too strongly to family makes one less independent. In some extreme situations, because of an intention to protect family members and a desire to preserve family unity that is stronger than the influence of social standards and the yardstick of morality, some unethical or illegal act may be undertaken.

CONCLUSION Our Chinese identity is the most important aspect of our self-definition and Chinese culture obviously continues to influence our thinking and behavior. Interpersonal relationships are a crucial daily activity and the Christian mandate has some distinct guidelines for us to follow as righteous and kindhearted people. We must cultivate the art of balancing the Chinese approach to interpersonal relationships with the teachings of Christian doctrine. To conclude, I defined Chinese culture at the beginning of this paper, and then reviewed the functions of Christianity. The main premise of this paper is the discussion of interpersonal relationships specifically in Chinese contexts and how Christians should respond without violating Christian doctrine, while acknowledging the diversity and flexibility of Chinese-style interpersonal relationships.

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REFERENCES Fadlon, J., Pessach, I., and Toker, A. (2004). Teaching medical students what they already know. Education for Health, 17(1), 35-41. Fracaro, K. (2001). Two ears and one mouth. SuperVision, 62(2), 3-5. Hanlon, J. M. (1996). Teaching effective communication skills. Nursing Management, 27(4), 48B. Honey, P. (1988). Improve your people skills. London: Institute of Personnel Management. Knapp, M. L. and Vangelisti, A. L. (1996). Interpersonal communication and human relationships. Third Edition. Massachusetts: Allyn and Bacon, Inc. Pearson, J. C. (1992). Lasting love: what keeps couples together. Dubuque, IA: W. C. Brown. Rawlins, W. K. (1992). Friendship matters: Communication, dialectics, and the life course. New York: Aldine. Rottenberger, K. J. (1992). Can anyone become a more effective communicator? Sales and Marketing Management, 144(9), 60-63. Vanzetti, N. and Duck, S. (1996). A lifetime of relationships. Pacific Grove, CA, USA: Brooks/Cole Publishing Company. Velsor, P. V. (2004). Revisiting basic counseling skills with children. Journal of Counseling and Development, 82, 313-318. Weber, A. L. and Harvey, J. H. (1994). Perspectives on close relationships. Boston: Allyn and Bacon, Inc.

Chapter 3

A SILENCED WOMAN’S INTERPRETATIONS ON THE NEEDS OF MOSES ABSTRACT Whether from the theoretical or practical perspective, church management principles must serve various needs. These needs can be discerned at the micro level (i.e., the physical, psychological, social and spiritual needs of church members in the church context), and at the macro level (i.e, political, economic and cultural factors outside of the church). The dynamics between church and non-church arenas are actively influenced by each other, but they share a common concern: both levels must fulfill their own needs. This biblical analysis focuses on basic human needs as a key topic for exploration, by offering an interpretation of Moses’ needs. Four themes of Moses’ needs were selected for discussion: his need to reinvent his Hebrew identity; his need to fulfill his roles as a husband and a father; his need to obey God’s plan; and his need to lead others. Implications for church management with sensitivity to such needs are presented as well.

INTRODUCTION We have to work with God to form a faithful church (McIntosh, 2003). A church should be full of church members’ support and God’s guidance, and an effectively managed church should be focused on growth in respect to Christians’ personal and spiritual development as well as encouraging seekers and non-Christians to learn the central tenets of Christianity, and explore issues around the kingdom of God. Biblical scholars use the example of Moses to discuss leadership, but seldom turn attention to Moses’ needs. Moses’ mission was to lead his people out of Egypt (Malphurs, 2003). In this biblical analysis, examining the needs of a trustworthy servant of the Lord will allow us to draw some implications for church management. Moses was fully human, and sought to fulfill his own and others’ needs as he proceeded along various developmental stages -- from an infant who needs food, security, care and love; to a child who needs to play and explore new things; to an adolescent who needs peer relationships and autonomy; to an adult who needs a career and family; to an elder who turns thoughts to retirement and preparation for the death of his/her spouse. In fact, there are innumerable and varied needs in any human’s life. Moses, surely, had needs too.

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Needs are universal necessities that people require in order to respond to their own expectations and to those of others, allowing them to release their potential, do the right tasks and do the task right, plan their future, and have a meaningful life. Needs range from the most basic level (e.g., food and air) to higher levels (spiritual needs and self-actualization). Needs are found at the individual level, in how a person perceives their own needs and works accordingly to fulfill them. Needs exist in interpersonal relationships also, and are seen in how a person builds relationships and interacts with others and how they respond to the other’s needs. Meeting one’s own needs as well as responding to the needs of others is rooted in the human potential for self-awareness and interdependency. This is the very nature of humans. In essence, humans and needs are inseparable.

THE FLOW OF THIS BIBLICAL ANALYSIS A particular biblical figure and chapter will be chosen for this illustration and discussion. Moses in Exodus is selected because there is a dearth of literature or theological dialogue that explores his needs. I would like to present my discussion with four core sections: (a) Maslow’s hierarchy of needs forms the theoretical basis of this analysis; (b) some biblical texts will be revisited to demonstrate Moses’ five types of needs; (c) implications for church management will be drawn; followed by (d) concluding remarks.

ABRAHAM MASLOW’S HIERARCHY NEEDS From various theories and models of needs, I selected Abraham Maslow’s hierarchy (Young, 1988). He outlines five categories, embracing physiological needs, safety needs, social needs, esteem needs and self-fulfillment needs. My rationales for adopting Maslow’s model are that it is a classic reference -- despite its limitation in delineating categories of needs -- and it reflects a majority of people’s needs and can generalize from the personal to the community level of normative needs. A skeptical and contextually-based approach to viewing individual differences when discussing needs should be retained. Below, we will explore whether Moses’ needs can be explained by this model.

Moses’ Needs Moses’ life was inspiring on many levels: because of the way he reinvented his identity from Egyptian to Hebrew; because he went from a life of affluence to one of desperate poverty; and because, even without knowing God, he received a calling from Him. Moses experienced many ups and downs in his life – as do many people – but he had the ultra rare experience of having a vivid encounter with God, and God led him to complete a task: helping the Israelites escape Egypt’s oppression. God said to Moses, “I am who I am. This is what you are to say to the Israelites”(Exd. 3:14). Some scholars commented that Moses was full of human faults, from passivity to impatience to idolatry (Wildavsky, 1984, p.1). I think there is no consensus about how well Moses did; instead, I would like to focus on four

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aspects of Moses to draw some inferences about his needs: his need to recover his Hebrew identity; his need to fulfill the roles of husband and father; his need to obey God’s plan; and his need to be a leader.

Moses’ Need to Recover His Hebrew Identity The book of Exodus (2:1-13) documents the details of Moses’ birth and tells us how he discovered his Hebrew identity, and how it became more important to him than his Egyptian identity. These passages demonstrate Moses’ very human passion for retrieving our roots – discovering who we are through our family of origin. Moses’ need to find his identity as a member of the slave class rather than a prince of Egypt would be classified as a social need, according to Maslow’s model. On one hand, Moses could be accepted by the Israelite community and be part of a collective national identity. On the other hand, Moses lost the Egyptian identity which had granted him many material privileges of food, clothing and shelter. Moses’ reclaiming of his roots can be viewed both positively and negatively, in terms of esteem needs, depending on whether one’s perspective is that of an insider or outsider. Moses represents an insiders’ view, in that he could fulfill his esteem needs because he was proud to confirm his blood-ties and say who he actually was. In contrast, from the view of outsiders like Pharaoh and other Egyptians, Moses lost standing because he was no longer respected by Egyptians and his status was degraded to that of a slave. Maslow’s need model can explain Moses’ need for confirming his identity, but the possible interrelationships among different levels of needs should be noted.

Moses’ Need to Fulfill His Roles as a Husband and a Father Exodus (3:21) says Moses married Zipporah, and they had a son named Gershom in Midian. Moses changed his identity from single man to family man. God believed that humans should live with companions, as evidenced by Adam’s need for a woman (Gen. 2:1824) and their children, Cain and Abel (Gen. 4:1-2). Possible explanations for Moses’ marriage and having a child include physiological needs: sexual needs, the need to be loved and to love, and the reproductive urge. Another explanation looks at the highest level of need: self fulfillment could be the reason for Moses’ decision to form a family, so he could experience being a husband and a father, giving him a more complete life experience. Being a husband and father gave Moses a more comprehensive view of life’s meanings and obligations, and gave him authentic first-hand experience of the importance of relationships. Moving beyond family relationships, Moses was going to build his relationship with the Israelite people, by taking up God’s task for him to bring his people out of Egypt.

Moses’ Need to Obey God In many accounts of the encounters between God and Moses, Moses shows his obedience to God’s leadership (Exod. 3:7-12; 24:1-6). This obedience can be interpreted as different types of basic needs, whether in reaction to God’s kindness or His authority. God’s

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providence provided Moses and his people with all of their physiological needs (e.g., Exod. 15:22-27 – God provided the Israelites with the Waters of Marah and Elim; and Exod. 16:118 – God gave them bread as well). God satisfied Moses’ need for security by protecting his people during the Passover (Exod. 12:1-23): to whit, Moses told all the elders of Israel, “When the Lord goes through the land to strike down the Egyptians, He will see the blood on the top and sides of the doorframe and will pass over that doorway, and He will not permit the destroyer to enter your houses and strike you down (Exod. 12:23).” In another incident, God responds to Moses and his people’s need for safety by parting the waters of the sea (Exod. 14:15-20). God gives a staff full of His divine power to Moses, building Moses’ self-esteem and social status (Exod. 4:1-5). Without God addressing Moses’ esteem and social needs, Moses would not have been well-equipped with the referent power necessary to get his job done.

Moses’ Need to Be a Leader Upon reviewing the book of Exodus, it becomes obvious that once God chose Moses as a leader, He allowed him to transform from an ordinary man without divine power to a committed leader with divine power. Moses possessed “position power” (Exod. 3:10-12). The ideologies of leadership will be explained further. Leadership is the marvelous and mysterious working of God through our lives and work that we call grace (Weems, 1993). Moses was a noteworthy servant leader (Malphurs, 2003, p.33). A servant leader is able to influence people in a particular context to pursue God-given direction (Malphurs, 2003, p.33). Christian leaders are such, with the credibility and capabilities to exercise this type of influence (Malphurs, 2003, p.10). It is the authority given to a leader to exercise the power that comes with the position, the amount of which varies (Malphurs, 2003, p.104-105). A leader’s developed capabilities include soul work (character), head work (knowledge), hand work (skills), and heart work (emotions) (Malphurs, 2003, p.86). The sum of a good servant leader’s capabilities is the combination of God-given and developed capabilities (Malphurs, 2003, p.87). The God-given capabilities embrace natural and spiritual gifts which are unique, and a God-given ability for service. Natural gifts are given to believers and non-believers based on common grace (Matt. 5:45) and are usually inborn. Spiritual gifts include many different capabilities, like leadership and administration, as stated in Romans 12:3-8 and 1 Peter 4:9-11 (Malphurs, 2003, p 77). Moses needed to take up the mantle of leadership voluntarily (responsible for his own people and his loyalty to God) and this type of need can be regarded as self-fulfillment, because he maximized his potentialities and attained a sense of achievement. His achievement, however, was not due to his own efforts; instead, God led and trained him to be a leader. In brief, looking at Moses’ needs from this angle shows that Maslow’s model can be applied to the passages mentioned, but some of Moses’ life events can be interpreted as reflecting more than one type of need. The coming section will draw some implications for church management with respect to the consideration of needs.

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IMPLICATIONS FOR CHURCH MANAGEMENT Until now, the interest in needs has been limited to Moses’ story. In contemporary church contexts, we must recognize needs as an essential topic. A marketing-oriented church is suggested in order to satisfy laity and church members’ needs with various products such as worship service, outreach programs, bible classes, counseling and preaching, plus some intangibles, including a sense of belonging, spiritual guidance, and redefinition of meanings of life (Considine, 1995). However, the idea of marketing a church to those in need is not generally supported. Mobilizing church members and helping newcomers realize their spiritual gifts for serving the church and other people can improve the church’s efficiency (Wagner, 1982). In reality, church members need the church, the church needs its members and non-believers need to approach the church and benefit from a restored relationship with God. The motive for building and developing a church is because of the very needs suggested above. In the Christian community, some misconceptions exist that individual’s needs are contrary to biblical teachings about sacrificing oneself and avoiding selfishness. These beliefs allow Christians to live in a moral and generous way, as mentioned in the four gospel scriptures, but Christians’ own needs have been considered secondary and undervalued. Eventually, some Christians burn out, tired from always responding to other people’s needs without addressing their own honestly. An on-going suppression of one’s own needs will erode psychological well-being, and may develop into mental distress like anxiety, negativism or depression. Medical and psychological literature presents extensive research into the interrelationship between physical and psychological health. Psychological imbalance can stem from the overuse of coping mechanisms like repression of one’s own feelings, affecting the body with symptoms like headache, insomnia, gastrointestinal upset, fatigue, muscle pain, and susceptibility to infection and cancer. Christians are humans with biopsychological needs. I believe that this negative view of caring for one’s own needs in the Christian community should be debated. Biblical examples implicitly support this contention that needs exist, and must be fulfilled. Malphurs (2003) reminds us that Christ teaches that servant leadership is about humbly serving others, not ourselves, but a problem arises if we get the impression that we are to ignore our own personal needs and focus exclusively on those of others (p.47). Thus, every Christian should monitor and respond to their own needs in order to remain healthy. How can they claim to love God when they are indirectly harming their body by neglecting their needs? Dr. Lo Lung Kwong, a devoted pastor, mentioned that Christianity is a relation religion in the sense that we have relationships with other people, we have a relationship with God, we have a relationship with the environment, and we have a relationship with our inner self. We have to respond to our own needs and treat ourselves fairly because we are so worthy in God’s eyes: God sacrificed His own son in order to forgive our sins. Thus, we have to love ourselves in order to respect God’s view that we are precious enough to deserve this sacrifice. Fulfilling our own needs should be regarded as the proper response to God’s creation. We need food, water, air and shelter. We need companions who share our Christian beliefs. Such companionship provides support and the chance to reinvent who we are in the eyes of our peers. Only with human interaction can we discover our character, strengths and weaknesses. The most vital need is our need for God. God can counter all changes in the

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world. God is reliable, trustworthy, always listens to our confession and gives feedback in the presence of the Holy Spirit. His love for us never fades, as long as we open our hearts, follow His words and are loyal to His governance in every matter. There are many more individual and universal needs, but the above three types of relational needs are fundamental and should not be forgotten and neglected. Similarly, God has needs too. Callahan (1997) mentioned: “A church that genuinely and authentically becomes a church of the Good Shepherd develops, much to its surprise, a legendary character on the community grapevine……It becomes a church that is more interested in giving than in getting (p.9).”

A systems perspective on church management recognizes that a church has a boundary, but it is permeable, to allow input to pass between the church and its environment (Lindgren and Shawchuck, 1981). This on-going interaction between the church and its environment requires all perspectives to be carefully assessed, including the needs of believers, nonbelievers, the church’s management team and God’s needs for the church. Malphurs (2003) outlines four stages of follower readiness: in Stage 1, an early follower responds quickly; in Stage 2, a middle follower responds; in Stage 3, late followers respond slowly; and in Stage 4, those who never follow will not respond (p.123). As church management people, we have to try our best to address these four stages, gradually raising people to a higher level. If we do not make people’s needs our first priority, our church will be unable to compete with nonchurch organizations, because people are likely to be attracted to products, services or activities that are developed to fulfill their needs.

CONCLUDING REMARKS A church’s mission places others’ needs above its own, but the very reason for a church’s existence is its members’ participation. Therefore, a balance between the needs of individual church members, the church as an organization and the unchurched should be sought. Any overemphasis of one party’s needs is unhealthy. The five vital signs of healthy church growth are worth stating here. In such a church, Christians experience growth (a) in their intimacy with God and faithfulness to His word; (b) in real relationships with others members of a small group; (c) in their service to God and others; (d) in reaching their pre-Christian relationships for Christ; and (e) in their sensitivity toward the training of leaders (Hunter, 1996, p.43-44). These five criteria can be interpreted as the five needs of both Christians and God. In such an environment, the church’s growth, Christians’ needs and God’s needs are three interrelated gears. Managing and leading a church requires a balance between these three groups in any and all planning, organizing, implementing and evaluating.

REFERENCES Callahan, K. L. (1997). Twelve keys to an effective church: Strategic planning for mission. San Francisco, USA: Jossey-Bass Publishers.

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Considine, J. J. (1995). Marketing your church: Concepts and strategies. Kansas City, USA: Sheed and Ward. Hunter, G. G. (1996). Church for the unchurched. Nashville, USA: Abingdon Press. International Bible Society. (2005). Holy Bible Chinese/English - New International Version. Second Edition. Hong Kong: Chinese Bible International Limited. Lindgren, A. J. and and Shawchuck, N. (1981). Management for your church. Nashville, USA: Abingdon. Malphurs, A. (2003). Being leaders: The nature of authentic Christian leadership. Michigan, USA: Baker Books. McIntosh, G. L. (2003). Biblical church growth: How you can work with God to build a faithful church. Michigan, USA: Baker Books. Wagner, C. P. (1982). Your church can be healthy. Nashville, USA: Abingdon Press. Weems, L. H. (1993). Church leadership: Vision, team, culture, and integrity. Nashville, USA: Abingdon Press. Wildavsky, A. (1984). The nursing father: Moses as a political leader. Alabama, USA: The University of Alabama Press. Young, A. (1988). The manager’s handbook: The practical guide to successful management. London: Sphere Reference.

Chapter 4

A SILENCED WOMAN’S PERCEPTION ON GOD’S TEACHING IN EXODUS ABSTRACT Knowledge of management theory enriches our understanding of biblical texts, giving us a more holistic perspective of them. To read Exodus only from a theological stance might not be comprehensive enough; applying a managerial perspective offers us some possible applications of biblical texts to current church conditions. As church leaders or members, we have to know that God is a pioneer in management who executes managerial principles (planning and decision making, organizing, leading and controlling), possesses management skills (technical skills, interpersonal skills, conceptual skills, diagnostic skills, communication skills, decision making skills and time management skills), leads people with methods similar to those of behavioral management (i.e., Maslow’s needs model, Theory X and Theory Y), creates an organizational culture through various means like slogans (the Ten Commandments), appoints a hero (Moses) and requests a ceremony (the altar of earth). We can preserve our Christian doctrine by incorporating management knowledge to run our churches effectively and efficiently, the better to allow us to respond to God’s love for us. God showed His management approach in Exodus; can we follow this blueprint in our own churches?

INTRODUCTION Effective church management has caught the attention of academics and theologians (Considine, 1995; Dale, 1998; Shawchuck, and Heuser, 1996; Wagner, 1982; Walrath, 1981). This is necessary to ensure that the church serves its mission and to extend the church’s moral, spiritual and social functions in our society. People build churches on the basis of God’s faithfulness (Schweizer, 1963). The distinction between church and non-church organization is that a church is formed and works because of Christians’ faith in God and God’s revelation. Church leaders have to know how to create a healthier church based on biblical foundations (Richardson, 1996). Revisiting the church’s structure and management can help it survive in this ever-changing world (White, 2003). On the other hand, the church helps people develop a Christian identity via new experiences. A new relationship with God

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and a new relationship with the People of God, and living our lives as a means of doing the will of God, can all be achieved through church activities (Hunter, 1996). The teachings of the Ten Commandments offer us guidelines of behavior that are in line with God’s expectations. Management and leadership are well known to be the core elements of every successful corporation and non-profit organization. Both are regarded as means of achieving efficiency, organization and goal attainment. Definitely, management and leadership are useful strategies on a practical level, and we as Christians – whether leaders or members of a church -- should equip ourselves with comprehensive and diverse managerial and leadership skills in order to serve God, churches and communities in a responsible, professional manner that is appropriate to local contexts, and applicable in situations of limited resource. Without the necessary managerial skills, how can we gather church people together? How can we run the church with a theological basis, and yet survive in this “value for money” culture? More importantly, how can we respond to God’s grace when He gives us the talent to manage and lead people toward common goals, deliver the gospel, and share the importance of mutual relationship between God and neighbors?

OBJECTIVES OF THIS ANALYSIS Considering this significance of learning about and integrating managerial concepts into a Christian context, I would like to use one biblical scenario -- the Exodus and the Ten Commandments -- to demonstrate how God shows the merits and techniques of management and leadership to His people. The Ten Commandments and Exodus state God’s ethical requirements of His people and serve as a mutual agreement between them. In fact, biblical analysis should be based on objective documentation -- for which the Bible is an authorized source and acts as a reference. Therefore, I would like to reexamine Exodus and the Ten Commandments in order to demonstrate how God shows us both the importance and applications of management and leadership principles so as to create as properly functioning and mutually supportive a world as possible.

ORGANIZATION OF THIS ANALYSIS This paper is organized into four sections: (a) a conceptual basis of this biblical analysis; (b) discussion of how God teaches management skills in Exodus and the Ten Commandments; (c) a biblical analysis of the Ten Commandments from a behavioral management perspective; and (d) a conclusion.

CONCEPTUAL BASIS OF THIS ANALYSIS For this discussion of issues raised in Exodus and the Ten Commandments, the Bible was the main reference source. Regarding management and leadership, especially, concepts and theories from the textbook titled Fundamentals of Management (Griffin, 2006) were used as a

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benchmark for discussion because this textbook offers some pivotal frameworks for comprehensive consideration of the management process. Other non-theological management texts (e.g., Schaller, 1986) and some church management references were also selected (e.g., Macleod, 2003; Malphurs, and Mancini, 2004; Miller, 1995). This cross-disciplinary inquiry into management and theology can give us new ways to look at some incidents in Exodus, and the managerial functions of the Ten Commandments can shed light on contemporary church management.

GOD TEACHES MANAGEMENT IN EXODUS AND THE TEN COMMANDMENTS Exodus presents a logical and detailed record of how God manages and leads people. Particularly, the Ten Commandments can be regarded as a managerial strategy for the following reasons. Firstly, management is a set of activities including planning and decision making, organizing, leading and controlling (Griffin, 2006). Setting clear standards is the first essential for effective leadership (Kouzes and Posner, 1999). The Ten Commandments can be viewed as textually based authority to manage and lead people to behave morally according to God’s expectations. Of course, God is omniscient, omnipotent and omnipresent (Shults, 2005). God manages differently from humans, as His transcendence means His management is perfect; He does not need to follow the management process step by step. However, to relate management strategies to the Ten Commandments, we can look at these examples: Commandments Five through Ten show us that God plans proper human interaction by minimizing conflicts and selfishness. God organizes people so they can live together in a mutually respectful manner. Furthermore, God leads us with an autocratic leadership style, as evidenced by the First Commandment. God controls us with the clear requirement that we cannot have other gods (Second Commandment) and He also forbids us from behaving unethically because we will ruin God’s divine property (Third Commandment). Thus, God uses the Ten Commandments to manage and lead us with concise but powerful words.

Efficiency and Effectiveness Management has two basic purposes: using resources wisely and in a cost-effective way (efficiency), and making the right decisions and successfully implementing them (effectiveness) (Griffin, 2006). Through the Ten Commandments, God shows us His purpose in the creation. Firstly, humans can be regarded as resource managers, meant to manage wisely other creatures and the world, by not harming each other as dictated in the commandments. Furthermore, in a cost-effective way, God sacrificed His only son Jesus in order to forgive our sins and to enable us to restore our relationship with Him. Jesus’ death is a cost and resurrection has a price from the managerial perspective, thus God has to use the Ten Commandments to manage us in order to manage His love for us effectively. God’s second purpose is to make the right decisions, as in creating people and the world to allow an ongoing dialogue between Him and humans. God lets people live prosperously when they cultivate harmonious societies based on the Ten Commandments. As we can see, in terms of

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issues of efficiency and effectiveness, God shows His basic managerial purposes in the lines of the Commandments.

God Is a CEO God manages people and the world similarly to the way a chief executive officer (CEO) manages an organization. He sets the Ten Commandments as a CEO sets company objectives to lead his subordinates to work collectively. There are three levels of managers: top managers, middle managers and first-line managers (Griffin, 2006). In the biblical scenario, God is a top manager who has the absolute power and formal standing to lead His people. Moses is the first line manger to lead people in response to God’s plan. Moses was the only one who could talk to God directly; there were no middle managers between God and Moses. However, management roles were well-differentiated: God led Moses, Moses led people. God talked to Moses, Moses talked to people, but Moses managed people based on God’s management plan with a total commitment. The First Commandment, “I am the LORD your God, who brought you out of Egypt, out of the land of slavery (Ex. 20:2)”, and the Second Commandment, “You shall have no other gods before me (Ex. 20:3),” both define God’s sole leadership, to prevent people being led astray by other gods, idols or temptations. Leaders are role models, work hard and take risks (Cueni, 1991). Similar to a CEO, He is the final decision maker who can conduct a multilayer examination of His company, including internal factors (e.g., poor communication and teamwork, lack of work motivation and commitment among employees) and external factors (e.g., competition with others and political issues). A CEO has to unite his workmates to work together internally and to overcome external difficulties. God leads His people to behave righteously and overcome the potential for sin – things that can be achieved by following His teachings in the Ten Commandments. The Ten Commandments serve a function similar to that of the mission statement of an organization, but with a divine nature.

Management Skills Seven fundamental management skills (technical, interpersonal, conceptual, diagnostic, communication, decision making and time management skills) can be identified (Griffin, 2006). God demonstrates these skills in His announcement of the Ten Commandments. God demonstrates technical skills in His understanding of the specific kind of work being done in the human community. He knows how to develop and maintain a livable world, and that the management of human behavior is the uppermost managerial issue. He has outstanding interpersonal skills, as shown by His relationship with Moses. He is able to communicate with Moses and understands his strengths and limitations. He motivates Moses, giving him faith and ongoing psychological support, allowing Moses to come near Him and passing His divine power to Moses, as in “Signs for Moses” (Ex. 4:1-17) and “Crossing the Sea” (Ex. 13:17-22). These experiences build up Moses’ confidence in God’s trust and love for him, which in turn strengthens his motivation. Surely, God possesses unexplainable conceptual skills, for He thinks in the abstract before people commit sins or crimes, and start wars. He seeks to preserve the world and ensure human harmony as much as this is possible; hence, He

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devises the Ten Commandments. God shows His diagnostic skills when He visualizes the most appropriate response (instructing people to follow the Ten Commandments) to a situation (creating a more peaceful world). God uses communication skills by inviting Moses to share a two-way communication with Him. With the incident “Water from the rock” mentioned in Exodus, God allows Moses further clarification of His plan (e.g., Then Moses cried out to the LORD, “What am I do with these people? They are almost ready to stone me” Ex. 17:4) and offers feedback to Moses (e.g., The LORD answered Moses, “Walk on ahead of the people…… Strike the rock, and water will come out of it for the people to drink” Ex. 17:5-6). Time is a scare resource that must be managed well if a manager is to be effective (Yukl, 1990, p.258). God chose Moses and delegated power to him; He makes decisions firmly in a timely manner. “Now go; I will help you speak and will teach you what to say (Ex. 4:12).” God managed time and created tension and hope for His people in many instances, allowing people to learn and develop faith from His revelations (such as crossing the sea, Ex. 13:1722). Without this tension, the people could not realize their inadequacy and develop loyalty toward God. God knows how to manage time and allows people to witness His ultimate authority. In brief, God embodies the seven management skills and executes them effectively.

THE TEN COMMANDMENTS: THE BEHAVIORAL MANAGEMENT PERSPECTIVE First, let us define “behaviors.” Behaviors are what people do and say. Behaviors can be observed, described and recorded (Sherman, 1990). Behaviors have an impact on the environment. Behaviors may be overt or covert (Grasha, 1995). Commonly, there are four observable components of behavior: frequency, duration, intensity, and setting where the behavior takes place. Behaviors are learned (Skinner, 1938, 1953). Behavioral management refers to systematic methods used to increase positive behaviors or decrease disruptive ones (Miltenberger, 1997). Behavioral management emphasizes individual attitudes and behaviors as well as group processes, and recognizes the importance of behavioral processes in the workplace (Griffin, 2006). Within the camp of behavioral management, three concepts (Abraham Maslow’s hierarchy needs, Douglas McGregor’s Theory X and Theory Y, and the organizational culture) will be discussed here, as these can affect people’s behaviors (Griffin, 2006). Although these are contemporary behavioral management concepts, they can be used to understand how the Ten Commandments perform a behavioral management function, from the past to the present, for Christians.

Abraham Maslow’s Hierarchy Needs There are five basic needs (physiological, safety, social, esteem, and self-fulfillment) which people aim to satisfy suggested by Maslow (Young, 1988). This needs model has some limitations in that some people’s priorities may not follow the above order. However, this model does give us a framework to examine how needs affect our behaviors. The Ten Commandments can be perceived as a method for monitoring human behavior in order to

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obtain these different needs. For example, the First Commandment gives people the understanding that our ultimate concern is to build relationship with God and seek everlasting communion with Him in His Kingdom. Then, people can fully recognize the meaning of life and make use of the grace provided by God to pursue morally acceptable behavior, following the teachings of the Commandments, creating love and a sense of belonging between humans.

Douglas McGregor’s Theory X and Theory Y Douglas McGregor’s Theory X and Theory Y concern managerial beliefs about people and work (Griffin, 2006). Two category assumptions are illustrated. Theory X suggests that people do not like work and try to avoid it; therefore, managers have to control, direct, coerce and threaten employees to get them to work toward organizational goals (Griffin, 2006). In contrast, Theory Y assumes that people are committed to goals to the degree that they receive rewards when they reach their objectives (Griffin, 2006). Because the Israelites were oppressed by the Egyptians, God made a plan and delegated Moses to bring the Israelites out of Egypt (Ex. 3:7-12). The different behavioral responses of the Israelites toward God’s plan illustrate Theory X and Theory Y. For example, some Israelites complained to Moses that there was no water for them to drink (Ex. 17:1-3). Those people did not attempt to search for water themselves; rather, they counted on Moses. Those behaviors reflect Theory X assumptions, in that they did not like to work and asked why God appointed Moses to direct and threaten them during the escape from Egypt. After God showed these people His divine power repeatedly (like the events of “Water from the Rock” (Ex. 17: 1-7) and “The Amalekites Defected” (Ex. 17:8-15)), their faith in God’s trustworthiness grew, and they became totally committed to God (The people all responded together, “We will do everything the LORD has said;” Ex. 19:8). The Israelites who were loyal to God and worked collectively toward a common goal -- serving God with faith -- can be perceived as Theory Y people who were self-motivated to obey God’s instructions: they had to consecrate themselves (Ex. 19:14-15) to prepare for receiving the Ten Commandments. For both Theory X and Theory Y Israelites, the change in their behaviors could be the effect of the organizational culture (here, referring to the Israelite community).

Organizational Culture One of the core elements of effective church management is the ability to build up a positive organizational culture (Weems, 1993). Culture is a powerful force that can facilitate an organization’s effectiveness and long-term success (Griffin, 2006). Organizational culture is defined as the collection of values, beliefs, behaviors, customs and attitudes that characterize a community of people (Griffin, 2006). Some shared experiences among organizational members like the creation of symbols, stories, heroes, slogans and ceremonies accelerate members’ commitment and develop a strong and cohesive organizational culture. Let’s have a look at how God developed an organizational culture for the people of Israel. At first, God chose Moses as a representative to deliver His words. This decision gave the Israelites a strong message that Moses was a hero who worked for God and worked with them. God told Moses, “So now, go. I am sending you to Pharaoh to bring my people the

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Israelites out of Egypt” (Ex. 3:10). Ceremonies gathered the Israelites to honor God collectively, developing within them a shared commitment to God. For example, God said to the Israelites, “Make an altar of earth (this can be viewed as a symbol) for me and sacrifice on it your burnt offerings and fellowship offerings, your sheep and goats and your cattle. Wherever I cause my name to be honored, I will come to you and bless you (Ex. 20:24).” Moses took half of the blood and put it in bowls, and the other half he sprinkled on the altar (Ex. 25:6). Significantly, the Ten Commandments can be considered a set of slogans which lead people to live, generation to generation, with fewer sins committed. In sum, the above examples show that God formed a community culture in the process of saving the Israelites. In this sense, God’s actions are similar to those of a manager who creates a positive organizational culture for his employees.

CONCLUSION I would like to conclude this paper with a reference to Bossidy and Charan’s (2004) book titled Confronting Reality, regarding the features of launching a successful initiative for an organization: “A successful initiative teaches an organization how to unite in action. It helps people face down the fear of failure that keeps so many from trying something new, and gives them the confidence to take on changes. The benefits are cumulative: the more often you run through the battle stations drill, the better everyone gets at it (p.194).”

Reviewing the process of how God led the Israelites from Egypt to start a new life, there were many hurdles and new experiences. Every encounter allowed the people to work collectively and develop their confidence in God’s plan. A managerial framework implies that God teaches us the importance of management in the story of the Exodus. Church people should not resist applying management knowledge and skills to their own churches, because God has set the example by doing it already.

REFERENCES Bossidy, L., and Charan, R. (2004). Confronting reality. New York: Crown Business. Considine, J. J. (1995). Marketing your church: Concepts and strategies. Kansas City, USA: Sheed and Ward. Cueni, R. R. (1991). The vital church leader. Nashville, USA: Abingdon Press. Dale. R. D. (1998). Leadership for a changing church: Charting the shape of the river. Nashville, USA: Abingdon Press. Grasha, A. F. (1995). Practical applications of psychology. (4th ed.). New York: HarperCollins College Publishers. Griffin, R. (2006). Fundamentals of management. Fourth Edition. Boston: Houghton Mifflin. Hunter, G. G. (1996). Church for the unchurched. Nashville, USA: Abingdon Press. International Bible Society. (2005). Holy Bible Chinese/English - New International Version. Second Edition. Hong Kong: Chinese Bible International Limited.

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Kouzes, J. M., and Posner, B. Z. (1999). Encouraging the heart: A leader’s guide to rewarding and recognizing others. San Francisco: Jossey-Bass Publishers. Macleod, D. (2003). Priorities for the church: Rediscovering leadership and vision in the church. London: Christian Focus Publications. Malphurs, A., and Mancini, W. (2004). Building leaders. Michigan, USA: Baker Books. Miller, C. (1995). The empowered leader: 10 keys to servant leadership. Nashville, USA: Broadman and Holman Publishers. Miltenberger, R. G. (1997). Behavior Modification: Principles and procedures. Pacific Grove, USA: Brooks/Cole Publishing Company. Richardson, R. W. (1996). Creating a healthier church. Minneapolis, USA: Fortress Press. Schaller, L. E. (1986). Getting things done: Concepts and skills for leaders. Nashville, USA: Abingdon Press. Schweizer, E. (1963). Church order in the New Testament. London: SCM Press Ltd. Shawchuck, N., and Heuser, R. (1996). Managing the congregation: Building effective systems to serve people. Nashville, USA: Abingdon Press. Sherman, W. M. (1990). Behavior Modification. New York: Harper and Row Publishers. Skinner, B. F. (1938). The behavior of organisms: An experimental analysis. New York: Appleton-Century-Crofts. Skinner, B. F. (1953). Science and human behavior. New York: Free Press. Shults, F. L. (2005). Reforming the doctrine of God. Michigan, USA: William B. Eerdmans Publishing Company. Wagner, C. P. (1982). Your church can be healthy. Nashville, USA: Abingdon Press. Walrath, D. A. (1981). Leading churches through change. Nashville, USA: Abingdon Press. Weems, L. H. (1993). Church leadership: Vision, team, culture, and integrity. Nashville, USA: Abingdon Press. White, J. E. (2003). Rethinking the church. Michigan, USA: Baker Books. Young, A. (1988). The manager’s handbook: The practical guide to successful management. London: Sphere Reference. Yukl, G. (1990). Skills for managers and leaders: Text, cases, and exercise. New Jersey, USA: Prentice Hall.

APPENDIX (EXODUS 20:1-21) TEN COMMANDMENTS And God spoke all these words: “I am the LORD your God, who brought you out Egypt, out of the land of slavery (Ex. 20:2). “You shall have no other gods before me (Ex. 20:3). “You shall not make for yourself an idol in the form of anything in heaven about or on the earth beneath or in the water below (Ex. 20:4). “You shall not bow down to them or worship them; for I, the LORD your God, am a jealous God, punishing the children for the sin of the fathers to the third and fourth generation of those who hate me (Ex. 20:5), but

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showing love to a thousand generations of those who love me and keep my commandments (Ex. 20:6). “You shall not misuse the name of the LORD your God, for the LORD will not hold anyone guiltless who misuses his name (Ex. 20:7). “Remember the Sabbath day by keeping it holy (Ex. 20:8). Six days you shall labor and do all your work (Ex. 20:9), but the seventh day is a Sabbath to the LORD your God (Ex. 20:10). On it you shall not do any work, neither you, nor your son or daughter, nor your manservant or maidservant, nor your animals, nor the alien within your gates. For in six days the LORD made the heavens and the earth, the sea, and all that is in them, but he rested on the seventh day. Therefore the LORD blessed the Sabbath day and made it holy (Ex. 20:11). “Honor your father and your mother, so that you may live long in the land the LORD your god is giving you (Ex. 20:12). “You should not murder (Ex. 20:13). “You shall not commit adultery (Ex. 20:14). “You shall not steal (Ex. 20:15). “You shall not give false testimony against your neighbor (Ex. 20:16). “You shall not covet your neighbor’s house. You shall covert your neighbor’s wife, or his manservant or maidservant, his ox or donkey, or anything that belongs to your neighbor (Ex. 20:17). “When the people saw the thunder and lightning and heard the trumpet and saw the mountain in smoke, they trembled with fear (Ex. 20:18). The stayed at a distance (Ex. 20:19) and said to Moses, “Speak to us yourself and we will listen. But do not have God speak to us or we will die.” “Moses said to the people, “Do not be afraid. God has come to test you, so that the fear of God will be with you to keep you from sinning (Ex. 20:20). The people remained at distance, while Moses approached the think darkness where God was (Ex. 20:21).

Chapter 5

A SILENCED WOMAN’S ANALYSIS OF A CHURCH LEADERSHIP AND TEAMWORK INTRODUCTION A church holds deep meaning for the members of its congregation, as a physical and spiritual setting that facilitates communication between people and God, and between people. Non-church participants or non-believers, however, might find church holds little meaning and serves no function in their daily life, nor does it have any association with their ultimate concerns. However, one of the crucial missions for church members is to encourage nonbelievers to visit the church, have a religious experience and personal encounter with God and receive the gospel. Thus, the challenges churches must tackle are: how can we make church more attractive to people? How do we manage a church properly? How do we lead church members toward a shared vision of their church? What types and skills of leadership are effective in a particular church context? These questions point to the need to study and apply management and leadership strategies to church contexts. In Chinese cultural contexts, people are often deeply rooted in traditional beliefs about human relationships -- like a relationship-driven approach to doing things, and a lack of objective reference and procedures. In this cultural milieu, the importance of building social networks, ensuring harmony within an organization or community (here church is defined as both organization and community), avoiding conflict and indirect communication styles dominate. In reality, these cultural assumptions can be both facilitators and hindrances for managing a church. Should ambiguity about managerial structure and leadership occur because of the influence of these cultural factors, a comprehensive and timely assessment of the church should be conducted. Well-planned managerial strategies can restore the church to full functioning, allowing church members to achieve common goals, maximize their potentialities and recognize their capabilities correctly. Motivation would come from intrinsic rewards (self-definition, job satisfaction, commitment to their own Christian identity and church) or extrinsic ones (verbal encouragement, reasonable salary and benefits). Generally, church is thought of as a family from the Christian perspective. The concept of family implies a place that is full of love, sharing and responsibilities for each member. These aspects must be present for a church to be healthy and functioning fully in the ways we expect. Church is a place for gathering believers and non-believers to share the gospel and

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worship God’s glory and grace, and it is a place where church members strive for communion with God and themselves. To fulfill these important functions, effective management must ensure stability in terms of administrative and structural functions; it must be committed to growing the church in terms of quantity (e.g., increasing the number of church members and the variety of useful, church-related activities like bible study groups for certain age groups or groups who share certain socio-geographic characteristics); and it must be committed to growing the church in terms of quality (e.g., spiritual growth and degree of belonging and commitment to the church’s mission and activities). Apart from these considerations, the fact is that wherever and whenever there are people interacting with each other and working together, there is potential for problems, such as nonconsensus, ineffective communication, conflict, unclear roles and responsibilities, poor management and poor leadership. Church provides a regular venue for registered church members and members of the community who are invited to join its activities, and interpersonal relationships are the core issue to be addressed. How to manage and lead these people artfully and skillfully is a significant topic, and should be considered thoroughly and strategically.

Source of this Paper The following case study is based on information provided by a missionary in her late forties who has served her church steadily for over twenty years. I call her an informant and maintain her anonymity for reasons of confidentiality: some sensitive issues are revealed in this paper. I conducted the interview with the informant at The Chinese University of Hong Kong, Chung Chi College campus on 2 February 2007, for two hours, after receiving her verbal consent. The main theme of this interview was to hear her observations of her church from a management and leadership perspective. The informant was encouraged to express her ideas and observations freely. I jotted notes during the interview. I used mostly open ended questions in order to obtain a holistic picture of her church’s management methods.

Interview Guide There were five main questions guiding this interview: Please describe your church. Who are the key staff members who manage or lead the church? What issues or incidents related to church management and leadership have emerged? What does the pastor do in relation to his teammates and other church members? How would you rate the results of his actions? Are there any other events or information you think can offer me a more in-depth understanding of your church’s management and leadership? Probing and clarifying sub-questions were asked as needed, as we discussed these five questions.

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Focus of this Paper This management-oriented study of a selected church consists of two main parts: first is an analysis of the church’s situation and identification of its problems; and second are concrete solutions to solve these problems. For the first part, the background of this church, the background of the people involved and some presenting problems from two perspectives (pastor and preachers) will be discussed.

PART 1: BACKGROUND OF THE CHURCH This church has about forty years history and is run independently without links to larger congregations. Some historical review of the church’s growth and its members’ composition and activities will be presented. In the early seventies, this church was set up by ten Christians wanting to pray together, who believed there was a need for a church that would allow them to invite seekers to share this experience. They experienced rapid growth, reaching 100 members in the late seventies, due to the church founders’ missionary work in secondary schools: students from two schools were invited to join. Another period of rapid growth took place in the eighties, when some of those secondary school students finished their university studies, or married, and brought their boyfriends, girlfriends, peers, spouses, children and even parents to the church. However, between 1992 and 1997, as sovereignty of Hong Kong was passing from Britain to China, some church members emigrated to other countries, cutting the church’s membership in half. After the initial period of adjustment, Hong Kong has made a smooth transition in terms of social stability, economic growth and tolerance of political diversity, and the church membership has increased gradually. Currently, this church has about 500 registered members and about 300 attendees at Sunday worship. The church members are comprised of three basic categories: those with over twenty years of regular participation; new comers with one to two years of participation; and those in between. This latter group experiences a high turnover rate, for unknown causes. In addition to these three groups, older people and church members’ parents who are hospitalized are visited by church members for receiving the gospel and prayers for health, and non-warded sick people are visited at home by the pastor and preachers.

BACKGROUND OF THE PEOPLE INVOLVED The key management people in this church include six permanent staff (one pastor, four preachers and one clerk), and two part-time executives. The pastor has over ten years experience in church management and as leader of this church. He was a member of this church since his teens, and after receiving a Master’s degree in divinity studies, he took up service at the church as a preacher. In 1997, he became a pastor. The pastor excels at pastoral work, such as providing psychological support and spiritual care and counseling to church members in need. His sermons are extremely well-received. A majority of the church members rate the pastor as excellent in his job. One missionary said that when her mother was critically ill, the pastor was very nurturing and supported her through terrible difficulty

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and distress. From a theological point of view, he is an outstanding servant of God who is able to offer various and appropriate services to seekers and believers. The church management committee members commented that the pastor does not function as a church leader, but rather as a front-line worker, because he does all the missionary work himself with little contribution from church management. The following two incidents, however, illuminate some controversy over the pastor’s role in the church. Last year, a church member with over ten years of regular church participation expressed his opinion that the church does not have a leader. He felt the church does not have a clear mission and church activities are fragmented. More seriously, he felt that the church members lack cohesion. He felt the pastor does not lead the church properly, and even the staff noted that, in terms of managing the church, his job performance is definitely inadequate (although all agreed that his pastoral work is excellent). The other incident took place in a church management meeting several years ago. A church member who had known the pastor since primary school age, and had a close friendship with him, commented that the pastor does not share power with the four preachers and makes decisions in an authoritative manner. The friend said to the pastor -- in the presence of other committee members -- “You act like the little king of our church.” The pastor strongly disagreed with this comment, and after the meeting, their friendship dissolved. Interestingly, the first member quoted found the pastor to be lacking in leadership and too passive, while the second member found him to be heavyhanded in his decision making and unwilling to work as a team with the other church leaders. It might be concluded that the pastor’s leadership style is inconsistent: he takes one approach with his team and another with the congregation. The church has four preachers, each of whom is responsible for one group of church members: either children, adolescents, adults or the elderly. The pastor seldom makes use of the four preachers’ theological knowledge and capabilities to help the church grow in size and draw more seekers and non-believers into the church. Therefore, the preachers find their work lacks challenge and feel they cannot fully utilize their individual gifts to deliver biblical messages. The turnover rate of preachers at this church is high. The pastor does not encourage the four preachers to act independently and freely. He keeps them on a tight leash, requiring them to seek his advice in making decisions and planning even trivial matters. The preachers lose motivation and job satisfaction, as they do not receive appropriate recognition and too little is expected of them. For his part, the pastor does not realize his approach to managing the church means he does not share power with, nor properly delegate work to, his coworkers.

PRESENTING ISSUES The reason the pastor does not lead his team properly might be one or more of the following: his personality is caring and nurturing and he likes people-work more than managerial-work; he does not possess adequate managerial knowledge and effective communication and leadership skills; he does not recognize the crisis the church is facing in this rapidly changing age of information technology and materialistic-orientation, where people have many non-church activities in which they can be engaged; and the subtle but influential effects of Chinese cultural mores of conflict avoidance and indirect communication between the pastor and the preachers, because neither side wants to verbalize

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their expectations and dissatisfaction with each other honestly. As a result, the four preachers all choose to deal with issues superficially, doing things without mutual agreement and discussion. From the above discussion, I would like to identify some core presenting problems of this church’s management and leadership, from two perspectives (pastor and preachers). Pastor’s issues: He does not know how to lead his team; He does not provide a shared vision with his team members and church members; and He does not listen to his team members and communicate with them effectively. Preachers ’issues: The four preachers lack motivation to work; They do not work as a team with each other; They do not express their frustration with the pastor openly;

SUMMARY OF PART 1 Even after observing these three areas of church related problems, the pastor remains the key figure and will be discussed – particularly his leadership style and skills -- in the second part of this paper. Some solutions for improving his leadership skills and teamwork of the church team will be discussed. Through the improvement of his leadership skills and teamwork between preachers and pastor, the church can run according to God’s wishes, respond to people’s needs and raise these people to a higher level of communion with God and other people.

PART 2: SOLUTIONS FOR THE CASE STUDY: LEADERSHIP AND TEAMWORK The information presented in Part 1 reveals many managerial problems and other issues to be solved. However, this discussion will focus on the pastor’s leadership, as leadership is a core topic that relates to church management as well as interpersonal working relationships. In addition to some practical solutions for the pastor’s leadership, the church’s management teamwork issues will now be addressed. We should not consider the pastor the only one responsible for church management problems. Nor should any particular church member be blamed, because the church is a family and all participants should support each other according to God’s wish that Christians love each other. The perspective I adopt in this paper is that of an outsider, and obtained the information herein by interviewing the informant mentioned above. It is impossible for me to have a thorough understanding of the dynamics between team members, the church’s planning and logistical issues and other environmental issues. What I can do, based on the interview, is focus on the pastor’s leadership.

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LEADERSHIP SKILLS TO HELP THE PASTOR MANAGE HIS TEAM The concept of leadership will be organized into the following themes: Process of leading; Making use of power; Leader behaviors which are job-centered and employee-centered; Path-Goal Theory; Preparing for substitutes for leadership; and Becoming a better leader by achieving self-differentiation.

Process of Leading A leader can influence the behaviors of others without having to rely on force (Griffin, 2006). The pastor cannot achieve this point because the four preachers are not devoted enough to the church to work effectively toward its goals. The process of leading has three elements: (a) using non-coercive influence to shape the organization’s goals, (b) motivating others to work toward goals, and (c) defining an organizational culture. The pastor has to recognize and implement these three elements via the following steps: He must co-create the church’s culture by holding regular meetings with the four preachers and listening to their views of church management. He must motivate his team members by offering different types of individual rewards, such as encouragement and appreciation. He must lead his team members toward a common goal, which can only be achieved by gaining their trust and respect. Trust and respect cannot be earned in one day or with a single act. The pastor should demonstrate his integrity and abilities daily and let his team members perceive him as a trustworthy person and capable leader. He will thus build his reputation in a natural and gradual manner. The process of leading never ends. The pastor must consider every word and act that will reflect on his ability to lead in the eyes of his team members. Following are some specific solutions for the pastor to improve his leadership.

Making Use of Power Without power, one cannot lead. Sometimes people associate power with force and see it as a negative, but power is the preliminary asset for a leader who seeks to unite his people to achieve a shared goal for the benefit of an organization. In this case analysis, the pastor seems unaware of the importance of power. A key solution for tackling the church’s problems is that the pastor has to make use of power in his leading process. The five types of power (legitimate power, reward power, coercive power, referent power, and expert power) identified by Griffin (2006) can guide the pastor in leading his team members and allow him

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to respond to their behavior in a flexible and appropriate manner. Some guidelines for the pastor to consider follow. The pastor is already accepted as holding legitimate power: he is regarded as the church’s top manager because of his job’s title and nature. He should be able to present himself with a self-determined and strong image by sending the message that he is the final decision maker and is ultimately responsible for church matters, as well as being more accountable than anyone else. On the other hand, he needs to be willing to accept his team members’ input and modify his plans based on that. However, he has to stand firm in a crisis situation and be able to lead in a timely manner with a concrete plan of action and clear instructions for his subordinates. The pastor should use reward power correctly. All four preachers have to be appreciated for their contributions and commitment to the church. The pastor must treat the preachers fairly and personally; i.e., each preacher’s performance should be evaluated and a specific reward should be offered. Similar rewards should be given to preachers with similar performance, while a distinct reward should be given to an outstanding preacher, and a less valuable reward given to a preacher providing unsatisfactory performance. This approach makes it clear that rewards will match the degree of effort made. Coercive power is the ability to force compliance by means of psychological, emotional or physical threat. This power can be exerted but must be done judiciously. When a leader overuses coercive power to control his people, resistance or a strong rebound will result. Coercive power skillfully exerted can enhance the process of getting things done. When people are under threat, they are more likely to obey. On the other hand, if overused, coercive power may leave followers feeling frustrated over a lack of autonomy in their work, leading eventually to a lack of organizational commitment and a high turnover rate. Therefore, the pastor must consider carefully when, how and to what extent he should exert coercive power. Referent power is the personal power that accrues to someone based on identification, imitation, loyalty or charisma (Griffin, 2006). The pastor already possesses this power; the congregation feels he is more charismatic than the four preachers, but that is inadequate. The pastor has to build up his referent power within his team by proving that he is a role model worthy of imitating because of his talents and ways of doing things. The pastor has put more time and effort into his dealings with the congregation, because he enjoys preaching and ministry work more than communicating with the preachers. A balance should be struck between his preaching role and his functions as leader of the church. The pastor should make full use of his expert power, which accrues to him due to his long commitment to the church and invaluable working relationship and experience with the church members. He can use his expert power to do more coaching with the preachers and develop both short- and long-term training protocols with them in a partnership manner. Because of his expertise, the preachers are more willing to work with him: he understands their long-term personal and career development needs. A leader should to a certain extent be an expert, in order to relate to his followers, give them pertinent advice and be able to address their needs and benefits. These five types of power have to be handled tactfully and simultaneously. The pastor has to be astute enough to use them correctly in response to various contexts (events, people, timing and other factors). The coming section proposes that the pastor improve his leadership skills by employing two forms of leader behavior: job-centered and employee-centered.

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Leader Behavior: Job-Centered and Employee-Centered The pastor seems to be standing at a crossroads, unsure of when to lead from a jobcentered standpoint and when to lead from an employee-centered one. Both have advantages and disadvantages, and while a balance should be sought between the two, in a given situation, one of them is usually more effective. The pastor should be better able to decide which of the two to employ. To start, he should pay close attention to the preachers’ work, explain work procedures to them, and take an interest in their performance. For example, he should provide some coaching geared to the preachers’ individual needs and particular work areas – such as activities for adolescents or adults. He should appraise their work performance periodically in order to share with them his expectations and comments about their performance. This would also be a time to offer constructive advice about how to improve their work and to show appreciation for their strengths. Secondly, he should emphasize the development of cohesive work groups and attend to the preachers’ work satisfaction. Intra-group observation revealed that the preachers do not communicate and work with the pastor genuinely and effectively, nor do the preachers work together well as a team. This lack of cohesion leads to a loss of team momentum and mutual support. Their deepening involvement in church management will help the church develop more optimally, as they come to view their individual job within a wider arena, and move toward achieving the church’s goals, instead of simply their personal goals. The two forms of leader behaviors listed here are considered to be at opposite poles of a continuum. An adaptive leader does not situate himself at either of the two poles, but rather moves along the continuum with mindfulness and an ability to analyze events critically. The debate over which is better, job-centered or employee-centered behavior, is unrealistic and insensitive to context. Only by recognizing the importance of both can church management be successful.

Path-Goal Theory The Path-Goal Theory derived by Evans and House assumes that the primary functions of a leader are to make valued or desired rewards available in the workplace and to clarify for the subordinate the kinds of behavior that will lead to goal accomplishment or rewards. This theory recognizes four types of leader behaviors in various work situations, which have different impacts on followers. The pastor can adopt this theory to expand his horizon of leadership. The first step is to assess the work situation, then choose the leadership style that will have the most ideal impact on the followers, leading to the expected results.

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The interview highlights two features of the work situation within the church: the preachers lack self-confidence and there are improper procedures and poor decisions. It is unclear whether the work situation lacks challenge or has too much challenge; ambiguity and rigidity lead to boredom. To deal with these two challenges, the supportive and participatory leadership styles should be employed. The preachers do not have a sense of job satisfaction; they perform their tasks perfunctorily and do not unify their efforts to achieve larger goals, as might be expected. In this work situation, the pastor should use supportive leadership to increase their self-confidence so they can complete tasks. For example, he should offer his psychological support to them and decentralize his power somewhat so the preachers feel they are autonomous in managing their own work areas and welcome to participate in the overall management of the church as well. As for the improper procedures and poor decisions made by the pastor, this is evidenced by the fact that he does most of the preaching and missionary work himself instead of delegating these tasks. He should apply participatory leadership by clarifying the preachers’ need to make suggestions and get involved. The preliminary step is to facilitate communication: the pastor should be an active listener and show his understanding in order to cultivate an open dialogue with his team. Hopefully, once the preachers are invited to share their thoughts about church management and express their concerns and feelings directly to the pastor, their performance will improve. They will experience greater satisfaction when their feedback is sought and appreciated, especially if some of their views are incorporated into existing procedures. Such acceptance will develop within them a sense of partnership with the pastor.

Preparing for Substitutes for Leadership Decisive and strong leadership is the ideal, but a readiness and comprehensive preparation for substitute leadership should be in place. Relying solely on the leader/pastor in this case is too limited. Contingency plans must be made in case the pastor leaves the church or is unable to lead for any number of reasons, such as illness, retirement, relocation or others. The team should identify situations where the pastor’s leadership can be replaced by one of the four preachers or a new pastor, and those where the church can simply absorb the loss with its well-established organizational structure. The essential three aspects to consider when planning for substitutes for leadership include subordinates (preachers), tasks (church activities such as organizing worship and other missionary work), and the organization (the church itself). First, to train or equip the preachers to take on some of the pastor’s roles and functions temporarily and in a timely manner, five points need to be addressed: their ability, experience, need for independence, professional orientation, and indifference towards church goals. The pastor should not continue to behave as he has, i.e., striving to be the most important figure for his congregation, as this means none of the preachers can truly shine. In fact, he should offer more opportunities for the congregation to know the preachers, and increase their visibility. A decentralized, collaborative attitude can offer the preachers a sense of independence, and their abilities and experience will be treasured by the congregation, leading to a stronger commitment to their jobs. Placing professional demands on the preachers will motivate them to strive for advancement. This combination of motivation and training can prepare the preachers to substitute for the pastor when needed.

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The second aspect of this preparation for substitution requires an examination of current church tasks. Church tasks must be well-defined and put into operation accordingly. Too much dependence on individual roles and functions, and the corresponding emphasis on a single leader for the church, can and should be diminished. The three characteristics of church tasks are: (a) routine, such as setting procedures and clearly documenting logistic arrangements; (b) the availability of feedback between pastor and preachers; and (c) intrinsic satisfaction of the church working team (e.g., its interpersonal relationships, work output and work quality; and the congregation’s perception of the church’s overall performance). The third aspect is church organization, including formalization, group cohesion, flexibility, and a reward structure. An emphasis on the organization’s functioning can allow the preachers or new employees to take on aspects of the pastor’s roles in a short period of time, without causing the church to experience instability. Preparations such as these can provide alternatives to the current approach of relying solely on one leader. But in the long term, an effective leader should be recruited or trained. Otherwise, the church cannot make progress towards its spiritual or quantitative goals. A powerful leader has the ability to visualize and plan for the church on a long term basis, as well as the knack for winning the support of his workmates.

Becoming a Better Leader by Achieving Self-Differentiation The pastor must differentiate himself as an individual, rather than being over-involved in church activities. This discussion is based on Richardson’s (1996) framework of creating a healthier church (p.176-180). Self-differentiation means that a leader of a congregation needs a way to work at this process himself. The level of differentiation of a church leader is the crucial issue in how well that church will run its communal life, and deal with the inevitable challenges and crises that come to it. The three attributes the pastor should reflect on are as follows: The pastor needs an awareness of his reactions to church matters. To be more concrete, the pastor has to step back from a situation and observe how he is affected emotionally and how he behaves, and how the preachers react to his behavior. Generally, he has to assess how his relationships with the preachers affect teamwork, and a cooperative relationship within the church team should be cultivated. The pastor needs the ability to reduce his own level of emotional reactivity to other people’s negative comments about his behavior, like the instance reported in Part 1, when the pastor’s friend said he acted like the little king of their church. Then, the pastor showed his disagreement and even ended his relationship with that friend. According to Richardson’s suggestion, the pastor has to keep reminding himself of the larger situation in which they both play their parts. He should stay calm in the future when facing criticism. He should receive others’ feedback positively; overreacting to their comments is immature. He has to think of the motives behind these comments and modify his acts if necessary for the benefit of the church as a whole. The pastor needs the ability to separate intellectual and emotional functions and not make decisions based on emotional reactivity. The pastor needs to help the preachers focus on their roles and functions in the church, and their own spiritual growth. Once the pastor does more

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of the above work, the preachers will learn from it and may be more willing to take on responsibilities. Hopefully, acquiring these skills will help the pastor lead better and build a more positive relationship with the preachers.

DISCUSSIONS Teamwork between the Preachers and the Pastor A sense of partnership and mutual respect are necessary for constructing a working relationship between the preachers and the pastor. Two considerations for effective teamwork will be addressed here: the reasons for the church team gathering together and the stages of team development (Griffin, 2006).

Revisiting the Rationales of Church Team Members Getting Together In the first place, why did the pastor and preachers join the church? From a managerial perspective, there are five possible rationales (interpersonal attraction, group activities, group goals, need satisfaction, and instrumental benefits) that explain why groups come together. These five rationales apply not only to the commercial sector but also to the church. Dominant preconceptions of why church people come together include their Christian identity and spiritual and religious motivations. To gain a more operational interpretation of church formation, these five rationales can be applied, allowing an exploration of the actual issues, processes and expectations of each church management team member in order to understand their individual needs, assumptions and expectations of themselves and other team members.

The Four Stages of Team Development Secondly, the four stages of team development can be reviewed so as to determine where along the continuum the church team is located. These four stages are: (a) forming: attempting to define the task and how it will be accomplished through discussions of taskrelated concepts; (b) storming: defensiveness, intragroup competition, formation of factions and arguments among members even when they agree; (c) norming: establishing and maintaining team ground rules resulting in more friendliness and confiding in one another; and (d) performing: the ability of the team to present or work through problems. At this point, members develop a close attachment to the team. Looking at these stages, it seems this church has some unresolved issues at each level. The pastor must invite the four preachers to be alert to what will happen, and help them understand how to overcome problems in the development of their team. For example, in the forming stage, a job description and related tasks for every member should be clearly stated. In the storming stage, the pastor should maintain neutrality: he must not be perceived as taking sides. In the norming stage, it is crucial to form some positive norms and cultivate a

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sense of belonging and commitment. Once a negative norm has developed (e.g., indirect communication and lack of mutual support), prompt action should be taken to stop it in its tracks. Finally, in the performing stage, an interdependent relationship and team identity should be emphasized over individual identity, to strengthen the concept of church work as a collective action. The preachers and pastor probably have not managed to build a strong church team because they are unaware of the need to cultivate these four stages of team formation.

Leadership and Teamwork Olson (2002) highlighted the importance of pastoral leadership beyond church growth. Theoretically, church growth is complex, and includes local contextual factors (social trends in the local neighborhood) and local institutional factors (the leadership and membership of the church) (Wagner, 1982). Even though some argue that statistics are not everything for measuring church growth, the quantitative approach does offer some concrete facts about the church’s situation (Macleod, 2003). In the present case, the church functions properly with steady growth despite the fact that the pastor’s leadership has some room for improvement. One certain fact is that a good leader should reward and recognize his team (Kouzes and Posner, 1999). No leader should claim the church’s success as his own achievement. Wolf (1999) explains that leadership has an aspect of sustainability that comes from a general consensus that such leadership is a vital factor for the well-being of an organization. Striving for excellence in leadership is a core issue. A church leader should not expect everyone to follow his plan and actions (Dale, 1998), but he must do his very best to unite his people to work collectively for the goals of the church. A leader should have a passion for excellence (Cueni, 1991). One of the positive effects of leadership is to build a functional team. McNeal (1998) stated that “Success is now dependent upon our ability to create new knowledge together with colleagues (p.49).” In the church context, we must maximize our existing limited resources via teamwork, in order to achieve our potential.

Partnership as a Connector between Leadership and Teamwork To ensure the possibility of having both leadership and teamwork, the essence of partnership should be promoted in the church’s management culture. Shawchuck and Heuser (1996) outline six hallmarks of partnership: (a) absolute honesty; (b) straight talk; (c) joint accountability; (d) no promises of security; (e) the elimination of status symbols and perks; and (f) the exchange of purpose. The top management of this church should recruit people who bring a partnership approach to the work, in order to enhance a culture of teamwork. Such people would be trustworthy, quality-oriented, self-starters and flexible.

Beyond the Church Team: Thinking of the Congregation Leadership and teamwork can work hand in hand to face the problems of the church, which is the main focus of this case analysis. Part 1 pinpointed the church’s lack of cohesion

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which must be addressed, because no matter how effective leadership and teamwork might become, we have to consider the needs of the congregation. Walrath’s (1981) five general principles of leadership can be applied, but I believe these principles can also shed light on how to use the congregation’s needs to motivate the pastor to lead the church better and the preachers to function better within their team, because the congregation’s feedback and development give them valuable information about how they are doing for the church. The five principles are (Walrath, 1981): Begin well. The first few months of a new congregation or a new program are a critical period. The church management team must consider any impressions made, habits established and structures developed as they will probably determine the shape of the congregation’s life in the future. Honor the context. Social and economic factors that operate in the community in which a congregation is situated exert more influence and set more limits on the congregation’s life than any other factors. The congregation’s values and needs set limits on the type of ministry that will be accepted and effective in that context. The church management team and the congregation have to communicate periodically and openly to share both views and expectations of each other. Establish good communication. Church leaders have to listen to their followers/congregation’s voices humbly in order to develop the church according to the congregation’s needs. A bottom-up approach to communication and promotion of equality in communication processes should be encouraged. For example, the preachers and congregation can share their views with the pastor, and the pastor can share his concerns and difficulties as a church leader. The congregation should be invited to participate in church activities in respect to listening, sharing and negotiating. Deal promptly and positively with conflict. Conflict is a part of a congregation’s life. Conflict-avoidance behavior will not help a church grow, quantitatively or spiritually. Church management team members must assess and respond to the nature and severity of conflicts, but they should not take full responsibility for all of them. Adopting a solution- rather than problem-focused strategy for handling conflict is more constructive than finding a scapegoat. Build a positive church image. The image a congregation impresses upon its community determines the type of people who will be attracted to it. The church image has to be projected by all participants, cognitively and behaviorally. A healthy church image can emerge only when all congregants are actively aware of their contributions to the church’s growth and stability, how the church is situated in the community and how its neighborhood perceives it. These five principles will allow the church management team to include the congregation’s views in its team dynamics, and remember the three parties involved in management: the pastor, the preachers and the congregation.

CONCLUSION As a silenced woman, I have offered some theoretical and practical solutions for the pastor to apply to leading his team, particularly in terms of working with the four preachers in

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a harmonious and mutually respectful manner. However, there are limitations to my proposed solutions, because there are several factors affecting the effectiveness of his leadership, and focusing on one perspective only (his leadership) may not be holistic enough to solve all issues presented in Part 1. However, Part 2 of this paper points out that the pastor’s leadership is a pivotal topic about which we need a constructive discussion. Furthermore, four considerations for effective teamwork have been shown. The fact is that it is too simple to say, “Leadership is the single solution for solving all the church’s problems.” Leadership can be regarded as but one of several issues that should be considered in order to assist this church to function properly in terms of healthy growth and creating a supportive work culture. Finally, there are many potential opportunities and hurdles to creating teamwork, because everyone has their own personality, preferences, and ways of communicating. Conflicts and personal considerations influence the process and outcome of teamwork. Nonetheless, with faith in God’s wisdom and grace for the church and His people, we can learn and apply leadership and teamwork skills. Listening to God’s calling to manage ourselves and the church at the optimal level will guide and inspire us.

REFERENCES Cueni, R. R. (1991). The vital church leader. Nashville, USA: Abingdon Press. Dale. R. D. (1998). Leadership for a changing church: Charting the shape of the river. Nashville, USA: Abingdon Press. Griffin, R. (2006). Fundamentals of management. Fourth Edition. Boston: Houghton Mifflin. Kouzes, J. M., and Posner, B. Z. (1999). Encouraging the heart: A leader’s guide to rewarding and recognizing others. San Francisco: Jossey-Bass Publishers. Macleod, D. (2003). Priorities for the church: Rediscovering leadership and vision in the church. London: Christian Focus Publications. McNeal, R. (1998). Revolution in leadership: Training apostles for tomorrow’s church. Nashville, USA: Abingdon Press. Olson, M. A. (2002). Moving beyond church growth. An alternative vision for congregations. Minneapolis, USA: Fortress Press. Richardson, R. W. (1996). Creating a healthier church. Minneapolis, USA: Fortress Press. Shawchuck, N., and Heuser, R. (1996). Managing the congregation: Building effective systems to serve people. Nashville, USA: Abingdon Press. Wagner, C. P. (1982). Your church can be healthy. Nashville, USA: Abingdon Press. Walrath, D. A. (1981). Leading churches through change. Nashville, USA: Abingdon Press. Wolf, T. (1999). Managing a nonprofit organization in the twenty-first century. New York: Simon and Schuster, A fireside Book.

Chapter 6

A SILENCED WOMAN’S VIEW ON DIVINE LOVE AND ROMANTIC LOVE ABSTRACT Falling in love with God is an authentic experience that ignites our power to live and love ourselves and others, and that this love transcends matters of age, gender, physical appearance, intellectual ability, social status, occupation, place and culture. I consider love to be the most significant topic when exploring the relationship between God and the world. This paper is organized into five parts: (a) a description of without love; (b) an overview of love from various faces; (c) an examination of the characteristics and issues within divine love; (d) a discussion of romantic love and divine love; and (e) and a conclusion about the importance of having an ongoing love affair with the divine in order to nurture our soul’s growth, and our body’s proper functioning. Hopefully, in the presence of love, we can have a vivid, constructive, trustful alliance and therapeutic relationship with others, and with God. Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. (1 Cor 13:4-8)

INTRODUCTION There are many mysteries in terms of the relationship between God and the world, such as whether creation is a process or an end; why we have natural disasters, infectious diseases, environmental problems and war; the nature of spirituality, eschatology, and many others. I consider love to be the most significant topic when exploring the relationship between God and the world. The reasons are: love has been clearly and continuously acknowledged by all humans since the beginning of written history; love unites people across nations; love provides the glue in all kinds of interpersonal relationships; love gives meaning to life; love motivates us to strive for success; love is a socio-cultural concept with both universality and particularity among individuals and social levels; and love has been regarded as the central tenant in Christianity: God is love.

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In the fields of theology, Christian studies, biblical studies, Christology, psychology and interpersonal relationship studies, no attention has been paid to examining any connection or similarities between divine love and romantic love. I decided to explore this hidden issue. Perhaps the border between these types of love can be blurred, with the belief that we love God and God loves us in ways that are like a romantic relationship between humans. There may also be differences that demonstrate how divine love is distinct from romantic love. My intention in writing this paper is to present a central premise: that God loves us and we love God in a way that is like romantic love. This romantic love is similar to, but exceeds, the romantic love that happens between humans. The love between God and us is perceived as transcendent romantic love in the final part of this paper. This paper has three main objectives: to review the literature on both divine love and romantic love; to examine whether it is possible to eradicate the border between divine love and romantic love in order to bring Christian love closer to our daily life experience; and to let God become our intimate partner who accompanies us at all times on all spiritual levels, despite joy and suffering. Prior to discussing the nature of romantic and divine love, the following questions will be addressed: What are the most important issues in human history? What makes us feel we are alive? What experience is universally found at various human developmental stages, including infancy, childhood, adolescence, adulthood and old age? What motivates us, apart from the need to survive, to adapt ourselves to the natural and cultural worlds? What are the meanings and purposes of life? What do we do when we love someone? How do we respond when we are loved by other people? What are our ideal loving relationships with people and with God? What kind of love in human relationships is so powerful that it allows us to feel the deepest happiness and suffering? What is God’s love for us like, in terms of human love? What are the commonalities between romantic love and divine love? Where is the border between divine love and romantic love? Who is our romantic partner? Who loves whom in the God-human encounter?

WITHOUT LOVE The contextual understanding of love includes what love is, who we love, when we love, how we love and are loved, and why we love and are loved. Without love, there would be radical differences on the personal, family and world levels. On a personal level, without love, we would not have faith and hope. We would not experience life much differently from animals. We are distinct from other living creatures because we have a conscience, a sense of reflexivity in relation to the environment and other people, a tendency to act morally out of respect for what it means to be human, and the ability to experience a myriad of feelings like happiness, contentment, mercy, peace, self-acceptance, anger, anxiety, fear, disappointment and others. Love allows us to find meaning in our lives. Love inspires us to strive toward our goals. Love lets us realize our strengths and weakness. Love is crucial on an individual level because it makes us feel we should love ourselves and respect our own feelings. A family without love would lack mutual sharing, trust, concern and support. Family members would not have tender loving care for or from each other. These family members would be like strangers in an unfamiliar setting who would plan and act individually, not with consensus. They would even have hatred, jealousy, irresponsible attitudes and act harmfully

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towards each other. Such a family would be very fragile because it would lack cohesion and a commitment to furthering the family’s good. This is a family in name only, where members live together physically but do not have any attachments to each other. Families with love can survive across time and place, and unite people to overcome natural disasters and compete with other species. Without the family unit, societies would not have formed. Nations would not have come into existence. Love makes families happen; families make communities happen; communities make nations develop; and nations unite the world. In a world without love, the world would not exist. Humans would not be able to exist within nature. Humans would not be able to create cultures to ensure the ongoing development of knowledge, science, art and technology. A world without love would be full of war and violence. Indeed, we have had many wars in the past and at present and we have many kinds of violence daily. However, there is more love within the world than war and violence, or the world would be destroyed. On the other hand, if love began to fail, or sinfulness and selfishness became more powerful than love, the world would become disjointed and full of suffering. Therefore, love is the most significant element that maintains the world’s stability and ensures that human history can continue.

MANY FACES OF LOVE Love has been given great attention by the arts and the fields of psychology, anthropology, sociology, family studies, gender studies, mass media, commercialism and divinity, and yet, there has never been a consensus of what love is. Love means affection between people, or it can relate to divine love as in the love of God for us and our love for God (King, 2004). Love embraces a wholehearted personal conviction, but includes a belief that the commitment is both subjectively and objectively worthwhile (Clough, 2006). One essential component of love is commitment (Howe, 1962; Parkes, 2006). Love is hard to measure in an objective manner. Despite the rapid development of technology and the advancement of science, neither can provide theories about love, scientific models of it, or computer programs to solve love associated problems such as ineffective couple relationships, incest and family violence. No matter how much human wisdom develops and how modern our lives become, we still cannot grasp what love is in linguistic terms, nor can we predict what the process and outcome of a particular relationship will be.

Love with Living and Non-Living Entities We may experience love with people who have blood ties with us or do not, or people with whom we have frequent, casual or infrequent contact. People’s feelings of love may be extremely, moderately or not intense, depending on the person’s openness, personal traits, beliefs and values about what love is and how love should be. Love is not confined only to humans: we often feel love for non-human creatures and objects. For instance, some people have a strong love for animals, pets or plants. Sometimes they expect these living organisms to love them as well. Many people have a loving feeling toward non-living things, like pictures, sculptures, music, architecture, poetry, literature, personal collections and many

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other possible objects which hold a specific meaning for these people. The duration of feelings of love varies depending on many factors, such as the readiness of the one to love and be loved, the level of intimacy, the availability of each to share and connect, and the similarities or complementarities of both parties’ personal beliefs and traits. The nature of love is diverse, and this paper focuses on love in human relations and with God.

Love from a Bio-Psycho-Social-Cultural-Spiritual Perspective The intensity of love varies according to a person’s bio-psycho-social-cultural-spiritual perspective of the person they love. I coined the term “bio-psycho-social-cultural-spiritual perspective” to discuss love from the personal to the macro level from these five angles. First, some people love when they are healthy, and some when they are unhealthy – i.e., depending on individual physical status. Second, some people tend to fall in love more than others, whereas some tend to reject love more than others. These tendencies might be due to variations in how introverted, outgoing, passive, active, open, conservative, neurotic, optimistic, etc. a person is. Third, social factors affect people’s openness and involvement in love affairs, such as gender, education, occupation, social class and affiliation with social institutions or groups. Fourth, cultural factors like the interaction between traditional and contemporary beliefs and values influence people’s perceptions and behaviors around love. Lastly, spiritual considerations (e.g., meanings and purposes of life and spiritual well-being) affect a person’s attitude toward and participation in relationships. These five perspectives are interrelated and exert varying degrees of influence on a person’s decisions about love. Considering the potential for infinite combinations of impact of each of these five perspectives on any individual, it becomes clear that every person will have a unique experience of love. It is impossible to fully portray this range of experience in objective terms. In order to explore further how love affects our psychological well being, it will be discussed along two main lines: psychological responses to love and love in relationships.

Psychological Responses to Love The range of psychological responses caused by love has earned it an exalted place in history across nations. Parkes (2006) found that a complex of feelings and emotions are experienced during the process of loving. Love has both universalities (experiences that are common to all, like the need for belonging, acceptance and caring for others) and particularities (distinct experiences like the extreme level of killing oneself for love or developing an irrational need to control another), and it is not a constant in relationships. As a whole, love plays out differently in every relationship and causes various psychological responses. Love happens within oneself and through a sense of connectedness with another person. A female researcher reported her experience of falling in love with herself when doing fieldwork and writing ethnography in the process of self-investigation (Shapiro, 2003). Selflove happens unilaterally, and can improve one’s self-esteem and understanding of one’s inner emotions, but it lacks interactive exchange with a partner. This self-centered love does not allow for the sharing of feelings or receiving feedback from another, and therefore does

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not lead to a holistic view of a person, as every person has blind spots, biases and preferences. Loving another person can expand our knowledge of who we ourselves are, revealing some aspects of ourselves which we may otherwise overlook. Love can be conceptualized as relational dynamics within a particular context expressed as the experience of a unique individual (who this person is and what her/his personality and background person are) in a specific setting (whether it be family, workplace or social setting). Parkes (2006) claimed that love is the psychological tie that binds one person to another over a lasting period of time, implying that loving relationships should be long-term. However, some people come across another person only one time, but they have a life-long, intense feeling of love for this person even without reciprocation. I would argue that love takes many shapes, and unrequited love is one of them. The idea that love must happen within a relationship and span a significant timeframe does not apply to every love experience. Sometimes, love and fear come together. For example, Howe (1962) mentioned that human love is ambiguous when we are not sure whether the other person will accept our love. When our love is accepted, we have a positive feeling; when it is rejected, we have a negative feeling. Love can give us strength and it can make us feel powerless. It is the potential for these dramatic ups and downs that makes love so unforgettable and influential. Quoist (1986) stated that love is the power of life, and that it allows us to experience contentment. I agree with Quoist, but pain and traumatic experience are equally experienced by most people in love. Parkes (2006) describes love in a passionate manner: “For most people love is the most profound source of pleasure in our lives while the loss of those whom we love is the most profound source of pain (p.1).” Love makes us want to take care of one another (Clough, 2006), and love imparts the desire to be cared for, too. Erotic and sexual desire is also part of love (King, 2004). This can be right or wrong, according to one’s own concept of what love is and how it should be expressed. People in love tend to reveal their feelings directly and hope they will be appreciated by their lovers (Landgraf, 2004). Everyone needs the opportunity for self-disclosure and the experience of being appreciated by others. Through sharing one’s feelings, information is offered to a partner, and when that person shows appreciation, selfesteem and self-worth increase.

Love in Relationships Relationships are the means to love and be loved. The term “attachment” is used for all bonds of love (Parkes, 2006). Loving involves another (Clough, 2006), except self-loving, which involves loving oneself. The difference between loving another and oneself is that the former happens in relationship, while the latter does not. Without feedback from a partner, people cannot know whether they are valued and interesting as a unique person. Self-loving does not allow for evaluation of a person by another who is able to reflect who he/she is and, more importantly, there is no one with whom to communicate and from whom to gain support. A great sense of loneliness and isolation will result. In such an alienated condition, self-love might not be enough to fuel this person to live in a fruitful way, and he/she may even lose the treasure of communion with others. Love integrates different aspects of human relationships into a larger whole (King, 2004). It is found in many types of relationships: between couples, parents and children, siblings, grandparents and grandchildren, peers, teachers and students, and God and humans.

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Uniqueness and persistence account for the special quality of love relationships (Parkes, 2006). Love is a glue that allows people to get closer physically, express feelings psychologically, exchange thoughts cognitively, and react to each other. Two-way interaction is the core element for building effective relationships. Hartman (2004) suggested that human wholeness is realized in relationship, through interdependency (p.147). Similarly, Kirk (2003) stated that the act of reciprocal exchange defines how people develop rapport with each other. Howe (1962) believed that relationships are nurtured through the process of mutual responding. Sometimes the ties of love for one particular person mean that there is no replacement for that person (Parkes, 2006). Milhaven (1980) stated that a real relationship limits the free choices of both persons. When we try to control our beloved, we destroy the possibility of developing a genuine relationship (Hartman, 2004). There is some controversy over this assertion. In some loving relationships, the more intense the love, the more time the people want to spend together. At the extreme, some people want to totally control the other in terms of time, space, daily routine, and even expect them to give up hobbies and friendships in order to respond to their partner’s expectations or obsession. It is quite difficult to ensure a balance between connectedness and independence for both partners in the course of a relationship. Mutual understanding and recognizing each other as independent persons are required in a healthy loving relationship.

DIVINE LOVE Love is the first priority of virtue dictated in the New Testament. “And now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; and the greatest of these is love. (1Cor 13:13). Love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind (Mt 22:37). Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love (1 Jn: 8-9). Do not love the world or anything in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him (1Jn 2:15-16). Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love (Eph 4:2). How do we learn to love? God teaches us. Definitely, love is heavily weighted in human relations and God-human relations. Only with love can we move closer to God, who cares about us because of His unconditional love for us. The pivotal doctrine of Christianity is love (Jeanrond, 2003). Love is the best strategy for Christians seeking a promising life (Clough, 2006). Love also is the foundational mandate of reaching the requirement of ethics in Christian communities (Harris, 1976, King, 2004). Undoubtedly, love makes Christianity a religion which is full of caring and sharing among disciples. God shows us what the meanings and manifestations of love should be. We respond to God in the way that God loves us. Without God’s love, we would not be able to understand what love is and how to love people and nature. The term “God’s love” refers to divine love in this paper: the presence of infinite energy given by God through revelation of love by both universal grace and grace particular to us. All grace offered by God is meant to show us what love is. Therefore, divine love offers the chance for us to experience human love and divine love at the same time. We have to appreciate that it is God’s intention that we survive, despite competition with animals, detrimental natural disasters and man-made chaos like war, because love can give us spirit and strength when facing adversity.

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Love Is Divine in Nature All love is divine in nature, because love is given to us by the grace of God, and is manifest in all human interactions. The most pivotal love is that which humans experience in connection with God, joining together in joy and pleasure just like two partners falling in love romantically. Toner (2003) stressed that love is forever driving to reunion, and this is a force in the very texture of all being (p.31). Humans learn what love is in infancy when, by God’s will, they experience the love of their mothers for them. They only learn about hate if their mothers show them hate without love (Howell, 2005). God loves us, so we learn what love is and how it should be. Divine love is given without any prerequisite—whether we possess the virtues listed here or not. Love is the core virtue and embraces the twenty eight cardinal virtues: care, chastity, compassion, courage, courtesy, determination, faith, fidelity, generosity, graciousness, gratitude, holiness, hope, humility, integrity, justice, loyalty, meekness, mercy, mirthfulness, modesty, patience, piety, prudence, reverence, sincerity, temperance, and wisdom (De Marco, 1996). Factually, humans are never perfect, but God is a perfect model for us; we learn how to be a morally good person under the Christian doctrine through an ongoing relationship with God and with other people. Jeanrond (2003) described that love is the central focus of the human-divine and the human-human relationship (p.646). Indeed, divine love should be perceived in relationships both with God and with other people.

Sacrifice and Perfection For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life (Jn 3:16). Be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God (Eph 5:1-2). Sacrifice and perfection are the characteristics of divine love. God sacrificed His beloved only son to rid us of our sins and give us a new life (Cady, 1982; King, 2004). It is because He loves us so much that He wants to forgive our sins. The goal of sanctification is Christian perfection or perfect love, in which the image of God is restored and love fully governs the heart and life (Knight, 2002). Aristotle considered God to be totally self-sufficient, the quintessential fulfillment of the Greek ideal of perfection (Hartman, 2004, p.145). Perfection means flawlessness; only divine love can achieve this standard, which is unattainable for humans. However, some people sacrifice themselves to their beloved one like God does, though the degree of sacrifice is a bit different. God had the will to sacrifice without any teaching from others, but humans know what sacrifice is because we learned this from God. God shows us that sacrificing oneself is of higher value than hurting another.

Signs of Divine Love in Relationships The first sign of divine love is that God desires relationship with humans. Sears (1990) argued that God’s love is not simply a response to human needs, but rather it is a deeply felt need for God. God expressed a divine desire for relationship with that which is other than Himself (Hartman, 2004, p.146). I believe that if God were not a passionate God, He would

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not need us, and would simply have created the world and men mechanically, according to systematic and procedural formulae. Humans would not need the multiplicity of emotions and complexity of cognitive processes that we possess. Rather, we would be like other living creatures, with simple biological functions and a specific role in the ecological system. However, this is not our reality. God creates humans who are independent and have free will – including the potential to disobey Him (Hartman, 2004). Humans have the most gracious gift from God because we are created in His image, meaning we can, in some ways, be like Him. The most obvious feature we can share with God is that we can love and be loved by Him.

Signs of Divine Love in Creation I believe that creation and resurrection are the other two major signs of divine love. Creating something out of nothing can only be accomplished by God. Without God’s will to do so, the world would not have been formed and humans would never have existed. The creation itself is a demonstration of God’s desire to give us life and the chance to enjoy freedom, and to experience the importance of building relations with all things, from the micro-level of interpersonal interactions with family and peer groups, to the macro-level of social involvement in community and across nations. The most important relationship, however, is to maintain a bond with God. When God is the one who gives us all the things we need, how can we rely on our own will and talent without acknowledging God’s goodness? Only with the humility to realize human inadequacies, to ask God for advice and to be a morally good person, can we have the privilege to receive divine love, respond to it accordingly and learn to love our neighbors too. Howe (1962) claimed that God created men to live in relation with the world, and with Himself. If there were no men and no world, would God have meaning? Who would be God’s companions? Would God be lonely? If God existed without any living creatures reflecting His image as humans do, Divine love would be meaningless. Relationships would disappear. Humanity and cultures developed because of relationships: between humans, between humans and other living things, between humans and nature, and between God and humans. Relationships color life. Love gives life. Loving relationships provide the means to begin the world and to ensure the continuity of the human species. Divine love is proved by creation. So, creation lets us experience divine love authentically. As a result, the Word and Works of God are as inseparable as are the two natures of Christ in the communion between the living creator, and the creatures that from moment to moment live out of God’s hand (Gregersen, 2005, p.28).

Signs of Divine Love in Resurrection Besides creation, resurrection is another major sign that reveals divine love. God offers a universal redemptive love (Mason, 2002). Love can be proved by the cross and resurrection (Howe, 1962). Whether a person is Christian or not, they can experience the miracle of creation, but Christians, who have consented to rebuild their relationship with God, wash away their sins and begin a new life, will reunite with God when eschatology occurs. The

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importance of having a rapport with God is suggested by the following two scholars: Howe (1962) noted that the relationship between man and man is important both to men and to God’s plan for reconciliation of the world unto Himself. Knight (2002) stressed that God promises to give us the power to believe if we remain in a grace-enabled relationship with God and are open to receive. God’s love is made manifest through the power of the Spirit (Knight, 2002). Both Howe and Knight believed that God considers His relationships with humans so important that He interacts with us as equals, not as subordinates. If humans regarded God as having absolute power to control all our activities, we would not be able to express our views to Him openly and freely. God allows us to respond to Him like close friends. If God did not consider His relationship with us pivotal, there would be no justification for restoring that relationship. When that relationship was broken, God put effort into mending it at all costs, teaching us the need to forgive someone you really love. Love and forgiveness come together. Love without forgiveness is not complete. We are able to forgive when we are able to see things from another person’s standpoint, and be empathetic toward the other in the light of love.

ROMANTIC LOVE AND DIVINE LOVE I see divine love as having the nature and characteristics of human love, in particular romantic love, but God’s loving approach to humans is transcendent and would not hurt humans in any circumstance. A thorough discussion of the similarities between divine love and romantic love will be provided and the uniqueness of divine love will be further explored.

Review of Romantic Love Romance seems to be a white middle class ideology of expressing personal feelings in an aesthetic sense, as demonstrated in art, literature, architecture and loving interactions. The term “romantic” has been used in literature to express affection and passion for life and love (Landgraf, 2004), but it is not confined to the literary realm. Wagoner (1997) stated the word “romance” is derived from Roman. In the Middle Ages, people looked back upon the Roman Empire as something grand and glorious, something far surpassing their own coarse time in its achievements (p.51). Historically, “romantic” refers to things of a grand and glorious nature or things related to human emotions (Wagoner, 1997). Anthropological study of romantic or passionate love is rooted in Europe, however, where modernization and individualism are positively associated with the many faces of romantic love in every culture (Jankowiak, and Fischer, 1992). On the contrary, some believe that not everyone within a culture falls in love (Jankowiak, and Fischer, 1992). I would argue that romantic love should not be confined to European contexts as romance is a subjective feeling with a degree of equality that transcends ethnicity and geographical features. Among the many colors of love, romantic love represents a shared ideology of loving that is particularly human, and makes human life different from that of other species (Jankowiak, and Fischer, 1992). Romantic love itself is divine and the beloved is revalued as an absolute

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ideal (White, 2001). Romantic love happens to be unexplainable (Wagoner, 1997). In an affective connotation, an intense feeling of falling in love is the main part of romantic love (Klaassen, 2004). Romantic love promises us an escape from the pain of isolation and the possibility of sharing our deepest and most intimate selves (White, 2001). The capacity for intense and sustained attention to a single object is the most important requisite for romantic love (Toner, 2003). The western understanding of falling in love is based on the concept of complementarity (Mathes, and Moore, 1985): when people are connected to their lovers, their identities are developed partially in relation to them (Merino, 2004). Romantic love has been defined as a sudden, unrestrained passion resulting in the individual entering into an immediate, shortterm commitment (Jankowiak, and Fischer, 1992). I believe that romantic love not only causes short-term effects, but also intermediate- or even long-term ones, depending upon the intensity of the experience as perceived by one or both partners.

Falling in Romantic Love The predisposing factors to falling in love/developing a romantic love are infantcaregiver bonding, attraction to the opposite sex, and development from close friendships to romantic love relationships. The processes underlying romantic love evolve in the context of the attachment between an infant and his/her caregiver (Diamond, 2004). Thus, from a psychological standpoint, the likelihood of adolescents and adults developing romantic love is probably rooted in their experience as an infant with their care providers. Secondly, an individual falls in love when he or she is dissatisfied with him/herself and meets someone of the opposite sex who has those characteristics that he or she desires but has been unable to achieve (Reik, 1957). Furthermore, this individual falls in love with someone who is different from him/herself yet promises benefits that he or she cannot attain alone or with someone similar (Mathes, and Moore, 1985). Thirdly, romantic love relationships can often develop out of close friendship (Klaassen, 2004, p.413). So while becoming friends might make some couples more likely to develop a romantic relationship, so also falling in love might make other couples more likely to become friends (Klaassen, 2004, p.416). To summarize, there are three possible rationales for people to develop romantic love: the infant-care provider attachment, the desire and need to find someone of the opposite sex who can compensate for one’s own inadequacies, and evolution from close friendships to romantic love relationships. To gain a multi-faceted understanding of romantic love in relation to divine love and to examine any similarities between these two types of love, the following sections will review four aspects of romantic love: (a) the six types of romantic love, (b) the twelve psychological meanings of romantic love, (c) the five different ways of experiencing romantic love, and (d) the four phases of the development of romantic love. Six types of romantic love styles were proposed by Lee (1976): eros (physical attraction), mania (dependent love), storge (friendship), pragma (practical love), agape (altruistic love), and ludus (noncommittal love). Each love style is uniquely related to what individuals feel in romantic relationships and how individuals perceive themselves or their partners in romantic relationships (Kanemasa, Taniguchi, and Daibo, 2004). But controversial findings were noted. Brown (?) found that attractiveness is relatively more important to men than to women, while another thought-provoking survey with a sampling size of 123 dating couples

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conducted by Critelli and Waid (1980) stated that there was no relationship between overall physical attractiveness and romantic love. Divine love embraces five out of the above six types of romantic love styles – all but eros, because God loves us no matter what shape our physical body might take. There are twelve psychological meanings of romantic love suggested by Cramer (1993). They are: love, physical attraction, level of acceptance, mutual love, genuineness, hostility, storge, understanding, similarity, unconditional acceptance, respect and pragma. A relationship between God and humans develops through mutual acceptance and respect, especially since God gives us freedom to think. Occasionally, humans will show some hostility toward God because of life’s hurdles and suffering, or when they pray to God with particular wishes that are not fulfilled, causing disappointment. In contrast, God never shows hostility to us because even when we think He is cruel or unsupportive, actually He has a plan – all that happens is good and precious for us in the end. Thus, divine love is very similar to romantic love on the psychological level, with the slight differences stated here. There are five different ways of experiencing romantic love: (1) intuitive love focuses on non-verbal expression and communication, physical contact and sexual activity; (2) companionate love stresses togetherness, communication, support and expressiveness; (3) secure love places the importance on security and need, (4) traditional love refers to the warmth and anxiety that love can engender, and (5) committed love is about commitment and having a clear plan for the future (Hinde, 1997). As discussed in the previous section on the nature of divine love, the only differences between the experience of divine love and romantic love are physical contact and sexual activity. Humans’ relationship with God is beyond bodily contact and sexual needs. Divine love shows commonalities with romantic love when we experience God’s love as a romantic one. For example, we can communicate during prayer or at any time we allow the Holy Spirit to settle in our hearts. God knows every human’s thoughts and feelings. Communion with God gives us a sense of security, but at the same time, we might experience anxiety, because God can hear our voices when we commit sins or are disloyal to Him. The relationship between God and humans can be nurtured in the presence of a common vision, knowing God has a plan for the future, as mentioned in the Revelation. Faith gives us warmth and hope when we believe God will take care of us and that we will live together in a new chapter of life with no more tears and darkness, only joy and brightness. There are four phases of the development of romantic love in adolescence (Brown, 1999): (a) the initiation phase widens an adolescent’s self-concept and gives confidence in one’s ability to relate to potential partners in a romantic way; (b) the status phase is when an adolescent experiences the tension of wanting a so-called ideal type of romantic relationship; (c) the affection phase means romance becomes a personal and relational affair, when an adolescent has a stronger commitment to his/her relationship and express a deeper level of caring for the other; and (d) the bonding phase, when the central concern is whether the romantic relationship can be maintained over the long term. Three stages of union with God have also been identified (Chaudhuri, 1987). The first stage is when we have our initial experience of union with divine reality. At this stage, there is still a sense of differentiation between God and the self. The second stage, intoxicated union, is the deeper love of experiencing unification. The third stage, sobriety of union, is the simultaneous consciousness of the individual and the universal. As we can see from the four phases of development of adolescent romantic love and the three stages of union with God, the development of a

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relationship between two people is very similar to the development of a relationship between a person and God. These four areas of enquiry between divine love and romantic love show that the two are quite similar. This is my justification for conceptualizing divine love as romantic love. The differences, also mentioned above, should be noted as well.

CROSSING THE BORDER OF DIVINE LOVE AND ROMANTIC LOVE Romantic love itself is divine and the beloved is revalued as an absolute ideal (White, 2001). Romantic lovers are likely to commit themselves in such relationships even to the point of sacrificing oneself for the other. The reality is that God paid the price of giving his only son Jesus Christ to resurrect relationships with humans and gives a new life to those who confess their sins and choose freely to restore divine-human relationships. On the other hand, romantic love offers the most intense possibilities of emotional, spiritual, and physical fulfillment, while it breaks down the boundaries between these different domains (White, 2001). Two issues in romantic relationships deserve our attention. Firstly, based on the findings of a survey study with 156 undergraduate participants (Dion and Dion, 1975), persons possessing high self-esteem are more open to romantic love and also experience romantic love as more satisfying than those with lower self-esteem. Secondly, as the relationship develops, the romantic partner gradually assumes a higher position in the adolescent’s social hierarchy, thereby replacing parents and peers (Seiffge-Krenke, 2003, p.519). Thus, we see there is a correlation between self-esteem and the openness to and satisfaction with romantic love, and we realize that adolescents place romantic love relationships above others. Many Christians find that they gradually build up their self esteem when they start to know God and some of them regard their relationship with God as more important than parent-child, couple and peer relationships. Approaching God fulfills our desire to be loved and to love the one who always stands by us wherever, whenever and whatever. God becomes a loving partner within our heart and nothing can separate God from us, giving us the experience of a lifelong, evolving, nurturing relationship which grows gradually. Therefore, the relationship with God rightfully takes its place as the most important relationship (White, 2001). Romantic love can be harmful for a woman because when she wishes to ensure her attractiveness, sometimes she will sacrifice her own freedom; when her love fails, she becomes powerless (Morgan, 1986). Men argued that it was only through love that their true selves could shine through (Stearns and Knapp, 1993). Extensive cross-cultural and historical research shows that individuals often develop feelings of romantic love for partners of the same gender (Diamond, 2003). Gender does not matter in romantic love relationships, just like God loves us despite our gender. We are all His creations and should be regarded as unique and treated fairly.

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DIVINE LOVE IS PRESENTED AS ROMANTIC LOVE I wish to examine the three-fold nature of divine love. Firstly, romantic love is the most significant type of love for humans, motivating us and providing profound, vivid and powerful feelings which drive us to seek meaning and satisfaction in life. Second, romantic love causes a desire for both partners for mutual integration, similar to the desire for communion with God. Third, romantic love is a mystery, unexplainable from a rational, deductive perspective. Certain aspects of romantic love -- like the greatness of divine love -are beyond human comprehension. By using the analogy of romantic love, I hope to draw links between it and divine love, to make us draw closer to God and realize that only with God, in His omnipotence and providence, can romantic love be made perfect. God loves us in the way two individuals deeply admire each other and have an intense desire to stay together in a romantic relationship. To illustrate God’s desire for love, the following examples were selected from the Song of Songs of the Old Testament. I am my lover’s and my lover is mine; he browses among the lilies (SS 6:3). From this direct expression of a wish to get closer to the beloved, the two separated individuals are merging into one entity in a highly romantic atmosphere, with the smell and color of lilies as an iconic representation of love. Another example: How beautiful you are and how pleasing, O love, with your delights! (SS 7:6). To express the goodness of the loved one and to celebrate happiness with the loved one, direct admiration is shown. A third example: Place me like a seal over your heart, like a seal on your arm; for love is as strong as death, its jealously unyielding as the grave. (SS 8:6). These three examples portray the intense feeling of two partners loving each other so deeply that they hope to become one. There is no shame in someone telling another how much they are loved. Similarly, God show His love for us without hiding behind a mask, and sings His love songs to us to express to us that His very nature is love.

The Difference between Divine Love and Romantic Love Communication with God is of vital importance to human satisfaction (Drane 2005, p.268). Divine love is shown in the crucifixion and resurrection of Jesus Christ (Shults, 2005). Three unique features of divine love will be presented including absolute freedom, unconditional forgiveness, and Trinitarian communion. In relationship with God, we experience absolute freedom. God would not force us to love Him or limit our free will to choose what we will do (Shults, 2005). We still have the right to think and act independently, even in the presence of this loyal lover. God understands that the best way to love someone is to give the unlimited freedom. This point is quite different from human romantic love, because we tend to control our partner out of a desire for possession and staying together. We think of our own benefit and fear that the more freedom we give to the partner, the more distance will grow between us, and the more opportunities the partner will have to find someone else. This is a very human fact: we are more likely to closely monitor our loved one because of a selfish desire to fulfill our own needs and the fear of being abandoned. God is totally different: He shows His love to us from our point of view and He tolerates all of our weaknesses. Under such conditions, divine love creates an

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atmosphere of loving us in our totality, just like lovers who do everything they can to maintain their love. Unconditional forgiveness is the second unique feature of divine love. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you (Eph 4:32). Wagoner (1997, p.36) stated that Jesus forgives sins and the disciples charge him with blasphemy: “Who can forgive sins but God alone?” (Mark 2:7). As humans, we might not be able to total forgive someone who harms us, whereas God is perfect and omniscient, knowing all we think and our deepest secrets (Shults, 2005). If divine forgiveness is to be effective in restoring the personal fellowship between God and the penitent, then this acknowledgment is a necessary condition for God to forgive (Brummer, 1993, p.199). The aim of forgiveness is to reestablish positive relations between people (Jackson, 2003). Forgiveness is an eternal work of love. Forgiveness may make another feel accepted and acceptable and make enemies into friends (Jackson, 2003). Forgiveness is Eucharistic in that showing mercy unconditionally is to participate in the holiness of God (Jackson, 2003). We are to forgive in order to model sublime self-expenditure (Jackson, 2003). All this is from God, who reconciled us to Himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation: that God was reconciling the world to himself in Christ, not counting men’s sins against them (2Cor 5:18-19). In the third place is the Trinitarian communion of love that invites humans to participate in the dynamics among the Father, the Son and the Spirit. St. Clair (1994) emphasized that the Christian experience of God must be one of inquiry in a relational context. The relationship with God is subjective, varying in degree of intensity and closeness, and depends on the individual’s attachment to God through depth of rapport and faithfulness. Narratives of each love story should be taken into account (Tjeltveit, 2006). Wagoner (1997) mentioned that having God in the heart is the understanding of divine love. The biggest distinction between human and divine love is that there are many possible human partners for different kinds of love relationships, but in divine love there is one unchanging partner – God – who is universal to everyone. Shults (2005) discussed omnipotent love in the following way. If divine power is divine love and vice versa, then the eternal life of the Trinitarian God is a mutual sharing of truly infinite power, and the divine agency is the mutually shared love of the three persons of the Trinity (Shults, 2005, p.242). The omnipotent love of god is the constitutive incursion of Eternity in (to) time that calls all things – including human freedom – toward redemption (Shults, 2005, p.242-243). This generalizablity of God’s love means humans have a lifelong partner who will not turn us down or cause us any harm, because God created us out of the loving desire to have communion with us. Still, we have the free will to decide whether we would like to participate in the Trinitarian family or not.

GOD - THE EVERLASTING ROMANTIC PARTNER Love is based on valuing the other, and is associated with the goal of preserving or promoting the other’s well-being (Rempel and Burris, 2005, p.297). Love crystallizes and transcends all ideas of personal salvation because love is an act of self-transcendence (Chaudhuri, 1987). God’s love for us is based on selfless love which gives spontaneously and

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is overflowing in generosity (Vacek, 1994). God’s love was demonstrated to us in Jesus, before his kingdom had come (Schwarz, 2000). Love refers both to God’s natural and created relationships with humans, and all kinds of interdependent relationships between the Creator and creatures (Jeanrond, 2003). Christian love has been regarded as romantic love (White, 2001). In the transcendental love of God, the sense of separation is gone (Chaudhuri, 1987). Divine love includes the three forms of love, which are agape, eros and philia (Vacek, 2001). Agape is sacrificial giving, God’s grace and unselfish love (Vacek, 1994). Agape is the very nature of divine love. Agape is a gift of love which flows spontaneously from its own abundance (Brummer, 1993, p.128). Eros is man’s way to God, an egocentric, human love; God is the object of eros (Vacek, 1994). Philia refers to the fellowship we share with God that is the most primary and significant aspect of our love for God. God is motivated not only by His own goodness, but also by that which He has created, sustained and graced (Vacek, 1994, p.123). The essence of love is union between the individual soul and ultimate reality (Chaudhuri, 1987). A complete union with God is the final goal of the person (Schwarz, 2000). Thus, God is our everlasting romantic partner. God has always been, and will forever be, our romantic love partner -- starting with the creation when He gave us grace, through the sacrifice of Jesus Christ on the cross for restoring divine-human relations, and in the coming eschatological era when we will enter the Trinitarian community where the Father, the Son and the Spirit as the only God are waiting for our full participation in transcendent love.

CONCLUSION In this paper, I have no intention to devalue divine love into a human form of romance. Instead, I interpret divine love as the most holy and powerful love of all mankind, with the triune feature of God as the backbone. I attempt to examine God-human relations as a dynamic process with an evolutionary capacity to maintain and enrich our loving relationship with God. The main idea of this paper is that God has been regarded as a romantic partner, and seen as similar to human romantic partners (as discussed above in the section addressing the five main themes of romantic love, and the section presenting divine love as romantic love). I also discuss how God’s love is unique in that it includes absolute freedom, unconditional forgiveness, and Trinitarian communion. Comparing divine love with the concepts of, and research into, romantic love shows that divine love has similarities but exceeds romantic love. God loves us without end, and invites us to participate in this love affair. Finally, we have to wait for our beloved God, an unchanging and trustworthy romantic partner. “I saw the Holy city, the new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride beautifully dressed for her husband” (Rev 21: 2).

REFERENCES Brown, B. B. (1999). “You’re going out with whom?”: Peer group influences on adolescent romantic relationships. In W. Furman, B. B. Brown, and C. Feiring (Eds.), The

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development of romantic love relationships in adolescence (pp.291-329). Cambridge: Cambridge University Press. Brummer, V. (1993). The model of love: A study in philosophical theology. Cambridge, Great Britain: Cambridge University Press. Cady, L. E. (1982). Alternative interpretations of love in Kierkegaard and Royce. The Journal of Religious Ethics, 10(2), 238-263. Chaudhuri, H. (1987). The philosophy of love. Now York: Routledge and Kegan Paul. Clough, W. R. (2006). To be loved and to love. Journal of Psychology Theology, 34(1), 2331. Cramer, D. (1993). Dimensions of romantic love in British female adolescents. The Journal of Social Psychology, 133(3), 411-413. Critelli, J. W., and Waid, L. R. (1980). Physical attractiveness, romantic love, and equity restoration in dating relationships. Journal of Personality Assessment, 44(6), 624-629. De Marco, D. (1996). The heart of virtue. San Francisco, USA: Ignatius Press. de Vate, D. V. (1981). Romantic love: A philosophical inquiry. University Park and London: The Pennsylvania State University Press. Diamond, L. M. (2003). What does sexual orientation orient? A biobehavioral model distinguishing romantic love and sexual desire. Psychological Review, 110, 173-192. Dion, K. K., and Dion, K. L. (1975). Self-esteem and romantic love. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 41, 51-56. Drane, J. (2005). Introducing the Bible. Minneapolis: Fortress Press. Gregersen, N. H. (2005). Grace in nature and history: Luther’s doctrine of creation revisited. Dialog: A Journal of Theology, 44(1), 19-29. Hartman, R. D. D. (2004). Living in relationship with the other: God and human perfection in the Jewish tradition: Implication for Jewish communal professionals. Journal of Jewish Communal Service, Summer/Fall, 145-150. Harris, C. E. (1976). Love as the basic moral principle in Paul Ramsey’s ethics. JRE, 4(2), 239-258. Hinde, R. A. (1997). Relationships: a dialectical perspective. East Sussex: Psychology Press. Howe, R. L. (1962). herein is love: A study of the biblical doctrine of love in its bearing on personality, parenthood, teaching, and all other human relationships. Chicago: The Judson Press. Howell, P. (2005). Healing hatred. The Humanistic Psychologist, 33(4), 253-257. International Bible Society (2005). Holy Bible Chinese/English - New International Version 2nd ed. Hong Kong: Chinese Bible International Limited. Jackson, T. P. (2003). The priority of love: Christian charity and social justice. New Jersey, USA: Princeton University Press. Jankowiak, W. R., and Fischer, E. F. (1992). A cross-cultural perspective on romantic love. Ethnology, 31(2), 149-155. Jeanrond, W. G. (2003). Biblical challenges to a theology of love. Biblical Interpretation, 11, 3/4, 640-653. Kanemasa, Y., Taniguchi, J., and Daibo, I. (2004). Love styles and romantic love experiences. Social Behavior and Personality, 32(3), 265-282. King, U. (2004). Theories of love: Sorokin, Teilhard, and Tillich. Zygon, 39(1), 77-102. Kirk, A. (2003). “Love your enemies,” The golden rule, and ancient reciprocity (Luke 6:2735). Journal of Biblical Literature, 122(4), 667-686.

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Knight, H. H. (2002). Love and Freedom “By Grace Alone” in Wesley’s Soteriology: A Proposal for Evangelicals. PNEUMA: The Journal of the Society for Pentecostal Studies, 24(1), 57-67. Klaassen, J. A. (2004). Friends and lovers. Journal of Social Philosophy, 35(3), 413-419. Landgraf, E. (2004). Romantic love and the enlightenment: From gallantry and seduction to authenticity and self-validation. The German Quarterly, 77(1), 29-46. Lee, J. A. (1976). Lovestyles (Revised Ed). London: Dent. Mason, D. R. (2002). A Christology of universal redemptive love. Dialogue in Dialog: Christology, 41(2), 149-159. Mathes, E. W., and Moore, C. L. (1985). Reik’s complementarity theory of romantic love. The Journal of Social Psychology, 125(3), 321-327. Merino, N. (2004). The problem with “We”: Rethinking joint identity in romantic love. Journal of Social Philosophy, 35(1), 123-132. Milhaven, J. G. (1980). Response to pure love by Robert Merrihew Adams. JRE, 8(1), 101104. Morgan, K. P. (1986). Romantic love, altruism, and self-respect: An analysis of Simone De Beauvoir. Hypatia, 1(1), 117-148. Parkes, C. M. (2006). Love and loss: the roots of grief and its complications. London: Routlege. Quoist, M. (1986). The breath of love. Translated by N. D. Smith. Ireland: Gill and Macmillian Ltd. Rempel, J. K., and Burris, C. T. (2005). Let me count the ways: An integrative theory of love and hate. Personal Relationships, 12, 297-313. Schwarz, H. (2000). Eschatology. Michigan, USA: William B. Eerdmans Publishing Company. Seiffge-Krenke, I. (2003). Testing theories of romantic development from adolescence to young adulthood: Evidence of a developmental sequence. International Journal of Behavioral Development, 27(6), 519-531. Shapiro, F. (2003). Autobiography and ethnography: Falling in love with the inner other. Method and Theory in the Study of Religion, 15, 187-202. Shults, F. L. (2005). Reforming the doctrine of God. Michigan, USA: William B. Eerdmans Publishing Company. Stearns, P. N., and Knapp, M. (1993). Men and romantic love: Pinpointing a 20th-century change. Journal of Social History, Summer, 769-795. St. Clair, M. (1994). Human relationships and the experience of God: object relations and religion. New Jersey, USA: Paulist Press. Tjeltveit, A. C. (2006). Psychology’s love-hate relationship with love: Critiques, affirmations, and Christian responses. Journal of Psychology and Theology, 34(1), 8-22. Toner, J. (2003). Love and Friendship. Book 1: The experience of love. Washington D.C., USA: Marquette University Press. Vacek, E. C. (1994). Love, human and divine: the heart of Christian Ethics. Washington, D. C.: Georgetown University Press. Vacek, E. C. (1996a). Divine-command, natural-law, and mutual-love ethics. Theological Studies, 57, 633-653. Vacek, E. C. (1996b). Love, Christian and Diverse: A response to Colin Grant. Journal of Religious Ethics, 24(1), 149-164.

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Wagoner, R. E. (1997). The meanings of love: an introduction to philosophy of love. Westport, USA: Praeger Publishers. Watts, S., and Stenner, P. (2005). The subjective experience of partnership love: A Q methodological study. British Journal of Social Psychology, 444, 85-107. White, R. (2001). Love’s philosophy. Lanham, USA: Rowman and Littlefield Publishers, Inc.

Chapter 7

A SILENCED WOMAN’S EXPERIENCE: LOVER INVISIBLE INTRODUCTION I am a married Chinese woman who fell in love with a man I saw in my mind but never met or even spoke with. This need for love arose from the social isolation I suffered while I was writing my doctorate. I gathered all my courage to write this paper to express this need for love and to heal from the trauma of that isolation. It includes six love poems I wrote about this man as a way to express the pain and loneliness that I could not discuss with others. Interestingly, he also served to reflect my commitment to my gender roles: wife and mother who should be loyal to my husband and responsible to my son, and scholar who should express my feelings in an academically acceptable manner. I found writing poems to be the best way to give voice to my feelings and work through my emptiness.

BACKGROUND I am a Chinese woman; this cultural identity defines a woman’s role as wife and mother. At the same time, my identity as a scholar is taking shape. I began to think of my life experience as one that could be generalized to other women who might also have transformed their identities from the private to the public domain. I developed the habit of autobiographical writing to revisit who I am and what my needs are – in this case, to be loved and recognised. This writing yielded several benefits. Autobiography can be regarded as a powerful and authentic source to represent women's voices (Joyappa and Martin, 1996). Autobiographical writing produces particular versions of identity, framed by social context and dominant gender relations (Kehily, 1995). Furthermore, autobiography plays a role in defining and setting the geography of the self and its relationship with the outside world (Elsadda, 2001). Significantly, autobiography is a kind of origin, a recreation of the forces that shaped the author in a context-specific understanding (Lindenmeyer, 2001). I further found that poetry can be regarded as a form of autobiography which carries the power for self-liberation.

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Women's experiences can reflect both society and gender role expectations, and a case study can be a powerful tool to capture women's experience (Padula and Miller, 1999). To open up academic discourse to multiple voices and to enable women to find a voice in the academy is crucial to revealing the hidden voice of women (Doherty, 1994). Women’s voices need to be more powerfully heard in poetry (Kissman, 1989). Given the efficacy of poetry to reveal women’s voices, coupled with the autobiographical nature of poems, I am using poetry in this paper as a means to explore my life experience. Few studies have been done in Hong Kong about female scholars exploring or evaluating their perceptions of how love can be experienced and in what context love forms. There is likewise a dearth of literature in Hong Kong on the therapeutic effects of poetry writing and how it impacts one’s understanding of love. This article is written to fill that gap.

LOVE Love is the glue that holds the universe together from a cosmic view (Evan, 1996). I perceived love as a glue that could mend my broken body and ease the dry eyes I developed from overworking. Love is also romantic, and romance is an uncertainty (Elam, 1992). I hated my uncertainty about whether my self-constructed lover thought about me, but I also loved this uncertainty because it ignited my desire to find the truth of whether I exist in the world or not. Love is also an act of recognition between human beings (Evan, 1996). I think being rejected by my invisible lover taught me that I am a human being, as I experienced such deeply wounding pain. Love is not merely human emotion, because it also involves the elements of fear and hatred (Christian Science Monitor, 1996). The more we love someone, the more hatred results when the loved one rejects us. In some love poems, women express their obsession with love which they think can only be attained and retained through their physical beauty (Laing, 1990). My physical appearance was important to me because it allowed me to build up my identity as a capable woman of both intelligence and beauty, maximizing my status in front of my imaginary lover. Cho and Cross (1995) suggested that there are two love styles among Chinese people: Calculated Love, which is individualistically-oriented; and Obligatory Love, which refers to a partner’s contribution and willingness to sacrifice for the family’s sake. In my case, my experience of falling in love with the man in my inner world was a combination of these, as I recognized the legitimacy of my individual desire to be loved, while still feeling compelled to fulfill the gender expectation of not telling others explicitly that I needed that love. In this paper, I define love as a mental process that requires the courage for self-disclosure, has the power to heal trauma and can be experienced without a real person.

SIX LOVE POEMS I wrote fifty-six poems on themes including women’s voices, the mother-son relationship, sibling relationships, the couple relationship, studying, health and illness, knowledge and others. Six of them are about my fantasy of love for a man I never met, who

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became a means for me to learn about my own need for love and who alerted me to how badly stressed and isolated I was. They are presented in this paper.

Poem I: Lover Invisible The chaotic painful experience starts. Since the first encounter, a man who never knows a woman like me loves him. I treat him as an invisible lover. Definitely, I am being invisible to him. I am a wife and a mother, I should be punished for loving this outsider. As more than a year’s time, the invisible lover and I never seem to be apart. My perceived feeling of falling in love with him is vivid and authentic. Certainly, he never feels the same. My husband, the visible lover never knows the man invisible intruding into our marital relationship. Unsurprisingly, the invisible lover did not realize he is the intruder. My beloved son never knows there is a stranger in our family. Surely, the invisible lover did not know he is the stranger. The invisible lover has stolen our family connection and unity silently. My voice of being a pathological woman who loves the one invisible is unfolded. When the termination of this invisible love is unknown. The only thing I know, truly, the invisible lover hurts me deeply. When I was writing “lover invisible,” I was near collapse due to the emptiness and isolation I experienced after studying at the university for almost three years without any social activity. I created a fantasy lover as an escape from real life stress -- such as the demand for excellence in my studies and my family’s expectations of my achievements. This invisible lover served as a tool for letting me think about my own personal needs. It still seems strange to me that even though my husband loves me so much and supports me in every respect, I still turned to this invisible lover to fulfill functions different from those my husband met. For example, my husband had never done research, and might not be able to understand the pressure and difficulties I faced during my three years of doctoral study. In contrast, the invisible lover knew all about this, as he was created by me, as a shadow who knew everything about me. I shared everything with him whenever I was alone, writing, reading or traveling. This poem represents my will to love. While this love is untouchable, it is also imaginary and full of idealism. Love does not require any physical presence because love continues as it is anchored in God (Christian Science Monitor, 1995). I am a Christian and believe that love can cross physical boundaries just like my self-constructed lover, who is so invisible in my life but so vivid in my thoughts.

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Every morning, I take the school bus passing the mid-hill The mid-hill where we met Every morning, I take the school bus going up the peak The peak where I study Every morning, you take the school bus going to the mid-hill The mid-hill where you study Every morning, you do not take the school bus going to the peak The peak where you never think of me Every morning, I think of you once Every morning, you never think of me Every morning, I perceive the mid-hill and the peak as connected Every morning, you perceive the mid-hill and the peak as separated “Morning school bus” describes my route to the university. It shares how I felt when I got on that bus, hoping to come across this invisible lover. This poem is an expression of my forlorn love for someone who did not share my feelings. I associated that person with daily encounters to constantly remind myself of him. The division between my family and my university was clear-cut: when I was at home, my husband and my son were the most intimate people in my life, but the invisible lover would whisper in my ear – reminding me that he was there; when I was at the university, my identity as a married woman and mother was put aside, as that identity hindered my studying: I would feel guilty for spending so much time at the university instead of paying attention to my son (who is now eight years old). Going back to university provided me with the freedom to dream, outside of the classic socio-cultural role of an ideal mother. Poem III: Behind Smile Whenever I see him I will smile whenever I do not see him I will cry what behind smile is cry smile and cry are for him “Behind smile” illustrates my strong desire to appear to other people as a tough woman. In fact, love and tears always come together. I have both hopes and fears. I hoped the artificial person created in this poem would love me. I feared that he would reject me, leaving me all alone. Love is bittersweet in this poem.

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Poem IV: Where ... Where are you? I really care where am I? you never care one thing I know: you are always in my heart another thing I know: you do not have me in your heart always “Where” describes my feeling that it is unfair that I am stuck with this artificial man in my mind, but he does not have me in his. This reveals my anger over the fact that I was thinking of him so often, while he did not think of me at all. Poem V: Calling my soul to come back singing a song of soul calling my soul to come back drawing a picture of soul calling my soul to come back imagining a dream of soul calling my soul to come back my dear soul, why have you left me alone? please come back, my dear soul Spirituality is important. It brings magic to our lives. It adds color and meaning to everything we do. This poem is melancholic, and is a cry for inner peace. I was very lonely when I had lost contact with the world, wrapped up in my studies. This poem also describes my search for understanding and spirituality, and the need to know that I belong to something greater, that I am a part of this cosmic existence. Poem VI: Our Encounter The start of our encounter was miraculous we laughed together the process of our encounter was romantic you admired me the outcome of our encounter is painful I cry for you can you remember our encounter? I remember it vividly!

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Love is created between two people who are healing themselves and each other (Evan, 1996), but this idea did not apply in my case. Love is always painful, and parting is a terrible experience, but the memories make it all worthwhile. It is great to share experiences with someone else, to have close, emotional contact with someone. I always wonder how this imaginary man feels about me, whether he ever thinks of me or whether he has moved on.

CONCLUSION Expressions of love for any man other than her husband is taboo for married women (like myself) in Chinese culture. The required loyalty to family, as a committed wife and a responsible mother, leaves no room for expressions of loving someone unknown and selfconstructed. How then could I ventilate this feeling? Writing love poems provided a therapeutic way to handle this unmentionable experience. I could behave calmly outwardly, and revisit my needs for caring through the process of writing privately. A textual format is also a more academic and socially acceptable way of showing the desire for love, and is a powerful tool for surviving in the academic realm. Writing can allow people to see themselves with their own eyes rather than via a representation constructed through the eyes of others (Cubbison, 1997). Whenever I wrote poems about him, I would visualize my invisible lover talking to me -- a highly imaginative process. A reality in my mental world transported me to the unreal aspect of my life. Such an experience enabled me to broaden my views and provided me with options to overcome the negative feelings of being isolated. Poetry writing mediates the relationship between the self and life experience (Ray, 1998), and allows us to share private events, express our feelings and share our intimate thoughts. Through this exploration of myself, I came to realize that my feelings for the invisible lover reflected my deepest sense of “self,” that I am the person who loves myself more than anyone else does, and knows best what I need. Writing about a traumatic experience can increase a subject's well-being and immune functions (Joplin, 2000). Writing these love poems made me feel stronger physically, as my feelings could be expressed, and I felt the power of deep release. Widerberg (1998) felt that when writing, one should try to be as concrete as possible, giving all the details of the situation; the very act of writing then opens up the possibility of reflecting on the meanings of the words. Writing a detailed account of my context for each poem would not have worked for me, because I like to write quickly; too much editing and reorganizing of the poems causes them to lose their originality. I like them to be natural and uncontrived. As part of the process of writing this article, I said “goodbye” to the imaginary lover who existed only in my poems. He has been captured in these poems and now exists as text. He no longer rules my fantasy world; he has been arrested in a sense, and is now under my control. Once I felt I was in charge of this love game and no longer the loser, I felt empowered. The lover will be found only in my poems from now on -- not in my mind anymore. This therapeutic writing process has relieved my “self.” The reasons for this love were finally revealed: it strengthened me in my studies; it motivated me to find my voice and a way to make it heard; the pain I felt around the failure and rejection proved to me that I exist; and I learned to transform my need for caring into the textual manifestation of poetry.

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REFERENCES Cho, W., and Cross, S. E. (1995). Taiwanese love styles and their association with selfesteem and relationship quality. Genetic, Social and General Psychology Monographs, 121(3), 283-309. Christian Science Monitor (June 8, 1995). Heartfelt love—and completeness. 87(135), 17. Christian Science Monitor (November 13, 1996). Love. 88(244), 17. Cubbison, L. (1997). What does it mean to write from the body? Women and Language, 20(1), 31-34. Doherty, P. B. (1994). Women in writing in school: hiding voice. Women’s Studies Quarterly, 22(1-2), 14-25. Elam, D. (1992).Romancing the postmodern. London: Routledge. Elsadda, H. (2001). Discourse on women’s biographies and cultural identity: Twentiethcentury representations of the life of “A”Isha Bint Abi Bakr.’ Feminist Studies, 27(1), 3764. Evan, D. B. (1996). How to know if it’s real love. Lesbian News, 21(7), 1/2. Joplin, J. (2000). The therapeutic benefits of expressive writing. The Academy of Management Executive, 14(2), 124-125. Joyappa, V., and Martin, D. J. (1996). Exploring alternative research epistemologies for adult education: Participatory research, feminist research and feminist participatory research. Adult Education Quarterly, 47(1), 1-14. Kehily, M. J. (1995). Self-narration, autobiography and identity construction. Gender and Education, 7(1), 23-32. Kissman, K. (1989). Poetry and feminist social work. Journal of Poetry Therapy, 2(4), 221230. Lindenmeyer, A. (2001). The Rewriting of Home: Autobiographies by Daughters of Immigrants. Women’s Studies International Forum, 24(3/4), 423-432. Padula, M. A., and Miller, D. L. (1999). Understanding graduate women’s reentry experiences: case studies of four psychology doctoral students in a Midwestern university. Psychology of Women Quarterly, 23(2), 327-343. Ray, R. E. (1998). Feminist readings f older women’s life stories. Journal of Aging Studies, 12(2), 117-127. Widerberg, K. (1998). Teaching gender through writing “experience stories. Women’s Studies International Forum, 21(2), 193-198.

Chapter 8

A ONE-MINUTE ENCOUNTER, A LIFELONG MEMORY Whenever it rains, Rose remembers James, her first love. She was sixteen when she met him, but their love exists only in her imagination. In some ways, time stopped at that moment for Rose, as she never cared to imagine a future with anyone but James. It was raining when they met. “Excuse me, where can I get a drink?” asked James. “Nowhere around here. There aren’t any shops nearby,” replied Rose. They smiled at each other and said goodbye. Rose liked James’ friendly face. His eyes seemed to deliver messages of their own. Rose believed intuitively that this was the one she was waiting for. She was overwhelmed by this first encounter with him. Her heart beat quickly and her mind struggled to understand how she could fall in love with a stranger without knowing anything about him, without sharing anything with him. At sixteen, Rose was an average girl. With straight black hair that hung to the middle of her back, a fair-skinned oval face, average in height and build, she was gentle, caring and introverted. She grew up in a typical middle class family, with her parents and two younger sisters. As the eldest child, she was responsible for looking after her sisters. Rose’s father owned a small trading company; her mother was a housewife and former teacher. The mother was very traditional: she devoted all her energy and time to managing the family, to the point that she lost any sense of a separate, personal identity. The two little sisters were lovely and cheerful. They enjoyed school, and life at home was good, as their parents and sister loved and cared for them as much as they could. By contrast, Rose, as the eldest child, had learned to be considerate of others and was much more mature than her actual age. James was fifteen years old, taller than Rose and with white skin tinged with pink. Dimples emerged whenever he smiled or laughed. His thick eye brows and straight nose were very attractive, and made him look fresh and energetic. He was the only child of a middle class family; his father was an accountant and his mother a fashion designer. James was raised by his grandmother – another former teacher – who gave him room to stand on his own feet and freedom to decide what he wanted to do in almost every area of his life. Compared to Rose, James was active, easygoing and optimistic. Perhaps it was his very difference that attracted Rose to James, an attraction that grew into an addiction, which flourished despite a total lack of understanding who he was. The addiction grew day by day, deeper and deeper, until Rose was like a bird caught in a net from which she would never be free again.

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Three months later, Rose was still thinking of James; he was always vivid in her mind. As time went by, she wove in her imagination an elaborate fantasy of living with him. It seemed to be out of her control. Six months passed. James had never again crossed Rose’s path, but his image remained fresh in her heart. Why did such a minute encounter, and the exchange of just a few words of small talk, have such a strong impact on Rose? Exploring the reasons did not interest Rose; she preferred simply to relive over and over the moment she spent in James’ presence. She found it both enjoyable and painful to re-experience the time she spent with him. One year later, Rose still thought of James. His image was so clear that Rose could remember every detail of his face and his voice; she was certain that she would be able to recognize it anywhere, any time. She imagined them laughing, flying kites in the park, cycling, enjoying precious moments together. Even though this happened only her imagination, Rose’s attachment to James grew deeper and deeper. He was like an old friend, in a one-way relationship built entirely in Rose’s mind. Four years passed. Rose still held James in her heart, but her addiction was lessening; she thought of him less frequently. However, the intensity of her love had not changed; she still considered James her lover. At that time, her sister Nancy, who was fourteen years old, started dating a nineteen year-old boy from her church. Nancy liked him very much, as he was carefree and positive like her, and shared her interest in badminton and watching movies. Five years after Rose’s encounter with James, she still thought about him – sometimes during the day, and often in her dreams. She prayed that God would let her see him in reality. One day, Nancy informed her family that she was going to bring her boyfriend home for dinner. Nancy’s parents very much wanted to meet her boyfriend, and the youngest sister and Rose of course did not object. Rose took special care in preparing dinner for the family and their guest. She was happy that Nancy had found her beloved, but her sister’s happiness reminded her of the bitterness of missing James. When the doorbell rang, the family was ready to welcome Nancy’s boyfriend. Rose was busy preparing the meal in the kitchen, when she heard the boyfriend say “Nice to meet you.” She dropped the dish in her hand as a strong vibration sang through her memory. She was certain the voice was James.’ She cleaned up the broken dish and called for her mother to come in the kitchen to help. Then, she bowed her head and rushed to her bedroom. She told her mother that she had a headache and did not want to eat anything. She lay on the bed, sobbing silently. She heard the people in the dining room laughing together; she heard James talk about himself. That was the first time Rose learned anything about who James actually was, but he was still so far away from her. She lay in a state of hopelessness and powerlessness, knowing how much Nancy cared about James, and James about Nancy. A knock came on Rose’s bedroom door, and Nancy said, “Sister, James is going to leave now. He knows that you are not feeling well, but he wants to greet you and say goodbye.” Rose moved slowly until she was sitting upright. She tilted her head and looked at James weakly. “Yes. He is James,” she whispered to herself. James smiled and said, “Hope you feel well soon. Sorry for disturbing your rest.” James did not remember meeting Rose before, that was clear. At this point, Rose went blank and fell in love with James all over again. She did not feel angry at James for forgetting her; instead, she viewed this second encounter as God taking pity on her for waiting for James for five years. At the same time, Rose felt this encounter proved that her feelings for James were strong and real, and she deeply believed

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that James was the only one in the world she could love. James waved goodbye to Rose and took Nancy’s hand as he left the bedroom. Seven years passed. Nancy and James loved each other as much as before, but they did not plan to get married as James had just graduated from college while Nancy was just beginning a bachelor’s degree program. Rose was twenty five years old. Over the past two years, Nancy occasionally brought James home for dinner. On every such occasion, Rose would seize the chance to observe James cautiously, so no one would notice. She listened closely to every word he said, but tried to avoid direct eye contact and conversation as she thought he belonged to Nancy. Ten years after Rose and James’ first encounter, Nancy and James announced their plans to marry. One week before their wedding, Nancy contracted a sudden high fever and was admitted to intensive care. A blood test revealed that she had acute leukemia, and her condition made her highly susceptible to pneumonia. James stayed by Nancy’s side throughout her hospitalization. Six months later, Nancy died of acute chest infection and renal failure. The whole family wandered in a fog of shock and sadness. James was tremendously hurt and on the brink of emotional collapse; Rose too. Two years later, James visited Nancy’s family and told them that he had decided to work as a volunteer serving third world children who suffered from AIDS. This was the first time they had seen James since Nancy’s death, and he had come to say goodbye. Rose had to make up her mind whether to tell James that she had loved him for the past twelve years or not. This would be her only chance. She did not tell him. Twenty years after their first meeting, Rose was thirty-six, still single and with James still in her heart. James was thirty-five and had married a woman five years younger than him, whom he met during his volunteer work in Africa. One day, James brought his wife to visit Rose’s family. Rose was so alarmed to learn this news, because in her heart, she had married James twenty years before, in that brief moment when they first met. Another four years passed, when James’ wife came to Rose and said, “Do you know my husband has someone in his heart?” Rose replied, “What do you mean?” “You are the only one in the world James wished to live with,” said his wife. Rose was shocked and asked for clarification. The wife took out a diary and gave it to Rose. It was opened to a page with these lines written on it: “Rose, I loved you since the first moment I saw you twenty-four years ago, that day I asked you where I could get a drink. But then I met Nancy and fell in love, and I couldn’t abandon her and come to you. That’s why I pretended not to know you. After Nancy’s death, you kept your distance from me. Maybe you never loved me. So I left, and then got married. I thought my marriage would help me forget you, but it is not the case. I still can’t stop thinking of you.” Rose was shocked and burst into tears. She ran out quickly to find James, but it was too late: James’ wife had killed him right before she came to Rose, overcome with disappointment and anger that James did not hold her first in his heart. When Rose entered James’ home, she saw that he was not breathing, and his body was cold and pale. She kissed his forehead and said, “I will love you forever, and I will always remember our first oneminute encounter twenty four years ago.”

Chapter 9

LOVE THROUGH PICTURES Ann, a 38 year-old secondary school teacher, was an abandoned child raised by a nongovernment organization. She learned to be tough and independent. Ann did not think a woman needs a man. She believed living alone allowed her to have more freedom and was happy not to have the multiple responsibilities of caring for children, a husband and managing family affairs. She never tried to make friends with men, and never thought of dating and marriage. But one day, she met a man who changed her view of marriage, and she came to believe that the only way to make her life complete was to marry him. Tom was thirty years old, the owner of a café where he served coffee and cake. He loved his work, and believed that serving people and seeing them laughing and enjoying themselves with their friends was the best thing he could do. He hoped to do it for the rest of his life. He thought marriage was unnecessary as his parents were separated when he was six. The painful experience of witnessing the divorce of his parents soured him on marriage. One afternoon after shopping for several hours, Ann went to Tom’s café for a cup of coffee. When she entered the café, the pictures on the walls caught her eye. She wondered why they seemed so familiar, but she could not think of where and when she might have seen them before. All she knew was that she loved them very much. “Can I take your order now, madam?” asked Tom politely. “Ah, may I have a cup of Blue Mountain?” answered Ann. “Certainly,” Tom replied, noticing how Ann admired the pictures. Ann looked attentively at the pictures and felt that they allowed her to see her true self. One of the pictures especially struck her: a highland lass was sitting in a large field, her hair blown by the wind. The girl in the picture was so solitary. Ann saw the picture as a representation of her inner lonely self -- a side she tried to deny as she pretended she was an autonomous woman who could tolerate loneliness in her life. She heard the highland girl shouting at her, “Ann, why do you choose a life like mine, to be so lonely?” Ann dropped the teaspoon while stirring her coffee. Tom heard the sound and promptly asked Ann whether she needed a clean spoon. Ann said no and asked Tom where he got the picture of the girl. He told her that he painted it, as he had all the paintings in the café. Ann was amazed by Tom’s talent. After spending around an hour in the café, Ann got up to pay her bill. Tom took the highland girl picture off the wall, wrapped it in a big piece of paper and tied it with rope for

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easy carrying. He held it out towards Ann and said “If you don’t mind, please, keep it.” Ann did not even think whether she should accept it or not; she simply took it right away. The next day after school, Ann went to Tom’s café again. She looked carefully at Tom’s other paintings. Tom recognized her at once; never had any of customers liked his work so much. As usual, Ann ordered the Blue Mountain. They did not speak beyond Ann ordering her drink and Tom thanking her for coming again. Over the next month, Ann went to the café several times per week. The more time she spent there, the more she felt she was learning about who she was. She started to appreciate things in nature -- like watching the sky and sensing the different textures of flowers and leaves. She also started to slow down; she had always tried to complete everything quickly and her pace at work and in life was very rushed, but now she reminded herself to enjoy the moment and not put so much pressure on herself. More importantly, she found herself in love with the café. Or to put it more exactly, she fell in love with Tom’s paintings. This was very different from the kind of love that exists between a man and a woman. She experienced a spiritual vibration of being in love with the painter of those pictures, but she did not have much interaction at all with Tom himself. At the same time, Tom grew more and more enchanted by the attention Ann gave his pictures. They had developed a way of communicating not through words spoken to each other, but through Tom’s paintings. Tom did not know how to start a conversation with Ann, so he wrote her a letter. It was the day before Thanksgiving. The letter said: Dear Madam, I’m so sorry that, after all the times you have been to my café over the past few months, I still don’t know how to address you. May I tell you that I wish to make friends with you. The reason is simple: I find I have a strong bond with you and hope we can get to know each other further. Yours faithfully, Tom The painter After reading the letter, Ann smiled and replied that she would be delighted to have a friend like Tom. Afterwards, they talked to each other easily and naturally whenever Ann came to the café. One Friday afternoon, Ann went to the café to meet Tom. As she entered, she saw a woman who seemed to be in her early seventies. She instantly knew that the old woman was her mother, who had left her after her father died in a traffic accident when she was seven. It had been too hard for Ann’s mother to look after her, for she had little education and had never worked before, so she felt it was best to send Ann to a children’s protection organization. Now, thirty-one years later, her mother did not recognize Ann. Ann took a seat next to her mother’s table. Tom came out from behind the counter and sat down across from Ann’s mother. He greeted her and called her “mother.” Ann was shocked to learn that her mother was also Tom’s mother. It turned out that, after her mother left Ann, she remarried; Tom was her son from her second marriage – which meant Tom was Ann’s younger brother. Ann acted as if nothing unusual had happened.

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But, she stopped going to the café. She could not fall in love with Tom: they were siblings. Tom waited and waited for Ann, but she never turned up. He did not know her reason for staying away, and he missed her. He painted a picture of her and hung it on the wall, hoping that some day she would come in again. For her part, Ann talked to the girl in the picture Tom had given her, saying “Thanks for giving me the chance to be in love with Tom. Without you, I would never have met him; without you, I would never have experienced true love. I would like to thank you forever.” The love between Ann and Tom never ended. Ann lived it by looking at the painting of the highland girl. Tom lived it by looking at Ann’s portrait in his café. Several years passed. Ann walked by the café one day and found it was closed. She wondered what had happened to Tom, and asked around the neighborhood. The shopkeeper next door told her that Tom had been hit by a truck the previous week, and was in intensive care. Ann hurried to the hospital. When she arrived, Ann saw her mother sitting at Tom’s bedside, and asked her about his condition. The mother replied desperately, “He has been unconscious since the accident. The doctor says that Tom has a serious head injury and a severe haematoma in the cerebrum. The prognosis is very bad.” Ann felt helpless seeing her lover and beloved younger brother on the brink of death. Their mother was tired and had to go home to rest; Ann chose to stay with Tom and held his hands. She whispered to him, “Hi, Tom, I pray that God will save you, I hope you won’t leave me as you are the only one who makes me feel anything – both joy and pain. The pain of seeing you suffer is so unbearable.” Tom smiled but his eyes remained closed. The electrocardiogram indicated that Tom’s heart rate was rapid and irregular; his blood pressure was dropping. Tom’s vital signs were alarming. Some nurses came in, followed by the doctor. They tried to resuscitate him, but after half an hour of trying, Tom died. Ann took the painting of the highland girl to Tom’s funeral, and burned it with this letter she had written: Dear Tom, I wish to tell you the reason I left you: you are my brother. We have the same mother but different fathers. I do love you, and will love you forever. I am sorry I left without any explanation. From now onwards, whether you are my brother or lover, I love you. I am returning the picture you gave me because I don’t need it anymore. I have it in my mind and heart forever, and I hope it can accompany you to heaven. I also know you and I will never be apart. Ann The picture receiver

Chapter 10

MAY I? In a glorious ballroom with crystal chandeliers dangling from the ceiling and a luxuriously thick red carpet underfoot, ladies in beautiful evening gowns with sparkling necklaces and earrings and gentlemen in impeccable suits and black leather shoes swirled about. The pianist played a romance by Bach. The waiters circled through the crowd, serving the guests. It was a birthday party for Linda, the only daughter of a very rich landlord named Peterson. Linda was eighteen and had been carefully sheltered all her life by her father, and on this night she was like a princess. Many young men invited her to dance, but she was a spoiled girl who would have nothing to do with anyone who failed to impress her. She preferred looking around to dancing with them. She gave off an impression of being unreachable, but was very charming and attractive – irresistible to many of the young men at the party. The ballroom was filled with wonderful music. Andrew, the young pianist, had played the piano since he was five. He was born in a middle class family, but his father liked gambling and lost all their money. Andrew was the oldest child; he had two younger sisters and two younger brothers. He had earned a living as a pianist since the age of seven. Now he was twenty-four, and the sole bread winner for his family. He tried to enjoy the music while he earned a living for his family. Andrew’s music was so moving that Linda was, for the first time, actually motivated to approach someone. She really wanted to know who he was and how he could play such wonderful music. Linda said, “May I ask your name? My name is Linda.” “My name is Andrew; nice to meet you,” replied Andrew. Linda continued: “Your music is so beautiful. It is very moving, like a song from nature. I can hear the birds singing, the wind blowing, the sea heaving, the spring water running, the little animals chasing after each other. Just like many voices from the natural world.” “Yes, this piece is about the beauty of nature. I’m so glad to hear that you like it,” replied Andrew. After this short conversation, Andrew had to start playing again. Linda sat beside him, observing his skillful fingering technique. For his part, Andrew was so immersed in his performance that he hardly noticed Linda’s presence. But Linda developed a strong addiction to his music.

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She decided she must learn how to play piano like Andrew, so she asked him to teach her. Andrew said that if her family would employ him, he could begin as her private tutor the next month. Linda replied that it was no problem for her father to pay him. Andrew returned home and told his parents that he would soon begin working for Peterson. His mother was very happy to hear this news, as Peterson was a well-known wealthy man who treated his employees well. His father also believed that Andrew was lucky to find this job, because Peterson gave his employees many opportunities for advancement. Andrew’s primary concern was his family’s finances, and it never occurred to him to use his position as a way to get closer to Linda. Linda, however, considered learning to play piano from Andrew to be of secondary importance. Her first desire was to get closer to him, as she so much admired his talent for creating vivid mental imagery with his music. Andrew went to Linda’s home every Wednesday and Saturday night to teach her. During these one hour lessons, he found her to have little patience for practicing techniques, but she was always completely attentive when he played. One day, Linda bluntly asked Andrew that he simply play for her, rather than teaching her. For his part, Andrew was frustrated that he couldn’t seem to teach Linda to play properly, so he was a bit relieved and agreed. After about three months of listening to Andrew’s playing, Linda could not keep her admiration for him to herself anymore. She took a deep breath, went to him and said: “Since the first moment I heard you play, I knew I could never forget your music. I can’t live without you and your music.” Andrew was terrified to hear Linda speak so frankly. He politely replied, “You are a brave girl to express yourself so honestly.” Linda continued, “I think you may be shocked by my words, but this is how I feel inside. I’m telling you because I trust you not to laugh or look down on me for feeling so dependent on you.” Andrew replied, “Linda, I really have to tell you – to me you are only a student. At this point, I am afraid that I don’t have any romantic feelings for you. I know it may hurt you to hear this, but I cannot lie to you. You are a lovely, honest girl who deserves to be truly loved by the one you love. I’m sorry that person isn’t me.” Linda was devastated to hear this. Her disappointment quickly turned to anger at being rejected. She ran quickly to her father and told him that she did not want to have Andrew as her tutor any longer. Her father asked for details, but Linda just said that Andrew was not enthusiastic when tutoring her. She had to protect her dignity in front of her father, and at least pretend to possess a strong character – like his – and not be seen as a loser. Peterson was disappointed with Andrew’s work attitude and angry that he did not appreciate the opportunity to work for him. The next day, Peterson spoke with Andrew, expressing his disappointment with him. Andrew did not say anything about his conversation with Linda – just that he was sorry he could not do the job well. Peterson fired Andrew immediately. After Andrew was fired, Linda could not stop thinking about him. She was in turmoil, torn between her anger over being rejected, and the guilt she felt for lying about his job performance. She chose to write him a letter:

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Dear Andrew, I feel extremely sorry for telling my father that you are not a responsible tutor. However, I can’t help loving you. At this moment, I just want to know why you rejected me. How can I earn your love? Yours, Linda Andrew did not feel anything in particular after receiving her letter, as he thought of her only as a casual friend or a former student. He could not pretend to love her, and he really did not know why she loved him so deeply. Andrew’s family was in great financial difficulty. It would help the family a lot if Linda decided to begin piano lessons again. He knew that approaching her might mislead Linda into thinking he had accepted her love, but Andrew’s first priority was always his family, and he could earn a good living this way. Linda readily accepted his suggestion, as she really missed him very much. Linda enjoyed learning to play. Andrew treated her as his student and close friend. They studied together for a year. As time went by, Andrew started to notice Linda’s charms – especially when she played the piano attentively. He was enchanted by her twinkling eyes. Linda had redefined her love for him, and now thought of him only as her tutor. It was much more comfortable than treating him as an untouchable lover, and she managed to transform her love for him into respect smoothly and naturally. However, Andrew did the opposite; he could no longer regard her simply as a student or the daughter of his employer. He wished to develop an intimate relationship with her, and even wished to marry her. Andrew told Linda how he felt. He asked her sincerely to accept his true love for her. Linda smiled and told him that she appreciated his love, but now she thought of him only as a close friend. She realized that her past love for him was due to her immaturity. Andrew had for the first time confessed his love for a girl – for the first time, he had expressed his feelings openly and honestly. But the outcome was negative. He so much regretted telling Linda that he decided to resign from tutoring her. The only way for him to stop thinking about her was to not see her again. Linda understood his feelings thoroughly, as she had experienced the same thing when she loved him. She accepted his resignation and asked her father for a large sum for his family. She begged Andrew to accept the money as acknowledgment of his hard work teaching her to play. Andrew did so out of his sense of loyalty and responsibility to his family, and thanked her wholeheartedly. Five years later, Linda contacted Andrew to be a tutor again – not for herself this time, but for her daughter. Linda had married a businessman who was twelve years older than her, a decision she made in part because the man loved her more than she loved him. She believed she would be content to be a woman so deeply loved, and felt she would be enabled by this love to give love to others. Andrew agreed to teach Linda’s daughter Liza to play the piano. Liza was gifted in music. She learned fast and liked Andrew very much. Whenever Andrew looked at her, he was reminded of her mother. After fifteen years of studying with Andrew, Liza found herself – like her mother – attracted to Andrew’s musical talent. Andrew also liked Liza very much. Since Linda’s rejection, he had not had any girlfriends, nor any intention to get married, but now he wanted to marry Liza, even though he was twenty five years older than her. Andrew told Linda that he wished to marry her daughter. Linda said that

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she would ask her husband for his opinion, but he strongly objected. He did not think Liza and Andrew could have a good marriage, and felt that Andrew was too old. Andrew tried his very best to show his sincerity and to convince Liza’s father, but to no avail. Linda could not do anything to help, even though she knew Andrew was reliable and kind to her daughter: she thought her husband would make the best decision for Liza. Liza was saddened by her father’s decision, and suffered a severe depression. Twice in the past twenty years, Andrew had loved; both times, the outcome was terribly painful. He isolated himself, feeling overwhelmed by hopelessness and worthlessness. Finally, he decided to attempt suicide, feeling he would never be able to find a woman he could love like he had loved Linda and Liza. He was just about to kill himself by taking drugs when Liza phoned. She said: “Andrew, it is better for both of us to keep our relationship as a tutor-student one, just like my mother and you did in the past. If we don’t, we will suffer a lot, and even ruin our lives.” Andrew smiled, “Yes, Liza, that may work for you, but it won’t work for me.” After uttering these final words to her, Andrew took the drugs and ended his life.

Chapter 11

DREAMING PRINCES At age 18, Ann still loved daydreaming. With her long golden brown hair and porcelain skin, she looked like a doll, and every night she dreamed about a prince who came to her. The prince’s name was Danny, and the dream gave no details about his personal or family background. For her part, Ann was the maid of a very rich family, employed by a middle aged wife who never held a job and had no children. She was the Queen of the family. Her husband was very rich and spent his days counting his gold coins and looking at his jewelry. In Ann’s dream, the master of the house never spoke to her, and indeed hardly even interacted with her. On the contrary, the mistress was like a cruel monster, always screaming at Ann, pointing a finger at her forehead, and reprimanding her for not cleaning the house or watering the flowers properly. Ann, however, never spoke a word in her dream. Once day, when Ann was watering the roses in the garden, she saw Danny on a blue horse, flying through the pink sky. She did not think there was anything unusual about seeing a tall young man wearing a golden suit and a silver belt with a big diamond buckle flying through the air on a horse. From that day on, Ann went to the garden every day at the same time, and whenever she looked up the sky, she saw Danny again. All of which seemed perfectly normal to her. Ann had this dream repeatedly. Whenever she woke, she would remember the young man named Danny. During the day, Ann went about her usual activities: going to school, studying, singing and gardening. One day, Ann’s father returned from a business trip to Italy, with a gift for her: a doll prince wearing the same suit and riding the same horse that Ann dreamed about every night. The only difference was that the doll had a clear, handsome face, while the dream prince was faceless. Ann loved the doll very much. She put it next to her bed, and every night she had the same dream. One afternoon, Ann’s cat accidentally knocked the doll off the shelf. The doll was made of clay and broke into many small pieces. Ann tried and tried to mend the doll, but she failed. From that night on, Ann did not have the dream again. When she woke up, she felt empty, like there was a big missing link in her life where the faceless prince once was. On the morning following her first dreamless night, Ann realized that her dream was a vital part of her life, that it gave her life meaning, and that it made her alive. There was no boundary now between day and night; she could not focus on her work and did not dream at all. She missed the prince desperately.

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Ann’s father noticed that Ann was very sad and her life very disorganized after the doll broke, so he brought her another one. Ann did not like the new doll very much, feeling loyal to the old one. That night, Ann had a dream about a different prince, who tried to force her to marry him. Ann shouted in her sleep and woke up drenched in sweat. She picked up the new doll and threw it to the floor, where it shattered. Ann did not know why she had such different feelings about the two dolls. The first one was so important to her; the second one so hateful. Ann did not understand how her dreams could reflect her feelings about the dolls. She decided to ask her mother about it. Her mother was unsurprised, and seemed to know all the details of Ann’s dreams, even before Ann told her. Ann was deeply puzzled, until her mother told her, “I dreamed the same dreams. And your grandmother dreamed them too.” The only difference between the dreams of Ann’s mother and grandmother, and her own, was that no one had given them any dolls. But both dreamed of the two princes. Ann asked her mother how she and her grandmother got over the dreams and managed to live in reality. Her mother that they just let it be. Ann did not understand. Her mother explained, “If the dreams come, just let them come; if the dreams do not come, just let them not come. If the first prince makes you miss him, let yourself miss him; if the second prince wants to marry you, marry him if you like, refuse him if you don’t.” Ann asked her mother why three generations of women in their family dreamed the same dreams. Her mother replied, “Because none of the three of us could find an ideal man in our lives, and we are all so lonely that we look for that man in our dreams.” Her mother told Ann that it had taken her about five years to overcome the loss of the first prince, and another two years to escape from the second prince. Ann suddenly smacked herself on the forehead and exclaimed “I get it! Because there is no romantic relationship in my life, my first dream reflects my desire for a certain kind of love, and my second dream reflects my resistance to being oppressed and controlled by men I do not like.”

Chapter 12

“SILENCE” MEANS SOMETHING Kent and Judy met in high school at age 15, where they sat next to each other in class. Kent was an introvert with a slight build. He liked to read, and a library was the most likely place to find him. Judy was outgoing, cheerful and sociable and liked sports such as badminton and cycling. For the first semester, they sat beside each other but seldom talked or even looked at each other directly, because Kent was shy and Judy did not think Kent was interesting. One day after school, on the way home, two boys from his school approached Kent, laughing at him, and calling him a mouse and a useless coward. Kent did not respond to their cold words. Judy witnessed the incident, and later approached Kent and asked, “Why didn’t you resist? Don’t you feel angry at all?” Kent did not reply; he simply left. Judy was extremely puzzled by Kent’s silence and disinterest. She became very interested in learning about Kent’s personality and family background. Kent was the youngest son in his family with two elder brothers and two elder sisters. His was a very poor family; his parents were garment factory workers. All his siblings had finished high school. His sisters both worked as salesclerks at the same department store; one brother was unemployed and the other worked as a cashier at a fast food shop. Kent was in charge of the housework. His parents were too busy to care about Kent’s school progress and needs, and he felt the lack of their love and concern. He was physically present at home, where he did almost all the cooking, laundry and ironing, but he was psychologically absent, because no one had talked to him in a nurturing manner since the time he started to think about who he was and what the place of his family was in his life. Judy was the only child in her family. Her parents were the gardeners for two different schools. They had received just a primary education. They were interested parents, and liked to talk to Judy about her views and her school life. In the second semester, Kent had still given Judy no response. She tried to break the ice by inviting him to go with her to the public library one weekend. Her main motivation for doing so was that she pitied Kent for his isolation at school. She wanted to help him open up and start enjoying friendships. At first, Kent did not know how to respond to Judy’s kind invitation, but finally he nodded his head and smiled at her. Although that was the first positive response Judy received from Kent, she didn’t so much think Kent was cold; rather, she thought he just hesitated to get involved with people. Maybe, she thought, he had no experience with intimate and supportive relationships.

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From then onwards, they were close friends. They married after college graduation. Kent worked as a computer technician and studied three times a week for a diploma in computer science. Judy worked as a teller and was responsible for the housework. They lived together warmly and happily. Two years later, they had a baby girl and named her “Silence.” Judy chose this name because her relationship with Kent was so quiet and peaceful. The baby girl was lovely. When Silence was about six months old, Judy asked for a divorce: she had had an affair with her boss, a senior bank manager, who was middle aged and single. Kent was extremely shocked. Judy did not give an explanation; she simply left, leaving Silence behind. Kent was overwhelmed with helplessness and hopelessness: his first and only love in the world had ended suddenly and completely. Kent asked his mother to look after Silence but she refused, as she did not like babies very much and was now pursuing her own career. Kent loved his daughter so much he decided to quit his job and school, and applied for government assistance in order to devote all his time to Silence. Kent performed his paternal role well and his relationship with Silence grew stronger day by day. Silence was his life. At the same time, Kent was withdrawing further and further from adult society, because he did not have a job or socialize with others. When Silence was seventeen, Judy came back, hoping Silence would come live with her. Her new husband agreed to this, feeling they could provide things for Silence – like sending her to a famous university – that Kent could not. Even though Judy and Silence were separated for almost seventeen years, they got along with each other very well, instantly. Judy had missed Silence terribly, and thought of her every day; even though her new husband loved her very much, it could not compensate for the pain of missing Silence. Silence did not ask her mother why she left Kent. She believed there must be some unspoken reasons, and considered it a matter between her father and mother in which she should not interfere. Kent knew Judy could give Silence more than he could, and Silence wished to live with her mother because she had missed out on that for so long. After some discussion, everyone agreed that Silence would go live with her mother and stepfather for about four years after graduation, after which they would revisit the question and decide whether she would stay with them or return to her father. After Silence left, Kent was lonely. He tried to reintegrate himself to society by joining a governmental retraining program that could help him find a new job. The process of shifting his attention from home and Silence to work and society was not easy, but Kent knew he had to do it, or he would collapse. After a year of retraining and job seeking, he found a job at last as a baker for a small shop. Almost two years after Silence left Kent, Judy called and told him Silence had been diagnosed with acute renal failure, caused by a tumor in her left kidney. Also, her right kidney was functioning at only fifty percent. The doctor told Judy Silence needed a transplant, but tests revealed that Judy was not an acceptable donor. Judy asked Kent for help. Kent did not hesitate; he went in for the screening test which confirmed that his kidney would be accepted by Silence’s body, had the operation and his left kidney was transplanted to Silence. Silence recovered after several months of hospitalization and resumed her studies. Kent found another bakery job, as his previous employer had been unable to grant him such a long sick leave. That winter was very cold, and Kent suffered from bronchitis for which he bought

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some drugs over the counter. Then, disaster: he had an allergic reaction to the medication, resulting in acute renal failure. He was in critical condition. Over the phone, the nurses explained to his family members that this would be their last chance to see him. Judy and Silence rushed to the hospital, but sadly, Kent was dead before they arrived. Judy organized a nice funeral for Kent, because she felt she owed him so much. After the funeral, Judy hoped Silence would stay with her, but first she wanted to explain some things to her. Standing before Kent’s grave, she said, “Silence, do you know why I left your father? Mostly, I felt getting married to him was a good decision, but on the other hand, our marriage was so silent – it had no excitement, no vibration.” Silence did not comment and just listened. Judy continued, “Now, Silence, I understand why your father always spoke so little -because silence itself is meaningful and peaceful. Words are not so important; what’s important is using our heart to express ourselves, and sacrificing ourselves so those we love can live – that was your father’s way of loving you. Your father will always live inside your body now.” Silence replied, “I learned from my father that the most essential part of being human is to give and to forgive, and to keep our desire for material things at a minimum. I would not have been unhappy if I could have lived with Father forever. Anyway, I can’t judge you, Mother, for your decision to leave Dad and me, because I know you had to go; it was the only choice for you.” Judy said, “Kent, you have nothing to regret about your life: Silence really is a sensible and loving child. But I have many regrets, and one of the biggest is that I did not realize that your kindness and loyalty were proof of your true love. Now I promise that I will treat Silence in the way you treated us. Goodbye, my beloved husband, and beloved father of Silence.”

Chapter 13

TWO POETS Joe was a poet. He wrote poems about nature, the daily lives of people from all walks of life, and love. He was born into a warm and caring family, and his parents loved him very much, but Joe did not want to live with others, including his parents. He decided to move away from home when he was nineteen even though he hadn’t finished his bachelor’s degree. He thought formal schooling and certificates were useless to him, because he did not like to socialize with his peers and had no desire to hold a normal job in the society. He decided when he was fifteen that he wanted to be a poet. He loved writing poetry because he could create any scenario he liked – an entire fantasy world where he could escape from the reality he detested. In particular, he hated the social expectations of men to find a good job and strive for career success. He disliked being judged and influenced by other people. He thought he should be the master of his own life. So, he never got a job and lived very simply. His parents bought him a small brick house in a remote village, and gave him a little bit of money. He required little: just the basics of simple food, shelter, and some ordinary clothes. He even grew his own vegetables. As Joe had no friends to talk to, he fantasized about imaginary ones. One day, he was dreaming about a girl whispering in his ear. She said, “Hi, Joe, would you like to come with me? I will take you to paradise.” He wrote poems about this girl whispering to him. Everyday he read the poems and imagined her talking to him; soon, he started to talk to the poems, saying: Lady, who are you? I can’t see you, but you appear in every moment of my life. What do you look like? Where can I find you? What is the meaning of your existence? And what is the meaning of my existence too? Did Joe suffer from mental illness? Was he hallucinating? Was he mad? His life was full of uncertainties. He did not know why he wrote these poems about the girl. He had never even had a similar experience with a girl in the past. He became confused about his identity, and began to wonder if he should even be alive. And if so, what should he do? And if not, should he end his life? He wrote every day until he got a headache, then he went to bed. When he felt hungry he ate just so he could keep writing, not for any enjoyment. He was totally immersed in his writing and the imaginary girl in his poems. One afternoon, he was exhausted after six hours of non-stop writing. He went out to the riverside. He took a deep breath and closed his eyes. When he opened them, he saw a wave. It

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took on an oval shape; he saw a girl’s face in it, smiling at him. Joe recognized the girl from his poems. She seemed so familiar to him, like an old friend. He thought he could join her, so he jumped into the river, but he could not swim and soon drowned. In his death, Joe found the only type of relationship he wished to have: an imaginary one with an imaginary girl that he had created himself and written into his poems. When the news of Joe’s death reached his relatives, they were shocked, except for his parents. Since Joe did not participate in family life nor behave like a son in general, they really knew very him little. Their relationship with him had been very superficial. After Joe’s death, his parents tried to get his writing published, hoping to fulfill his dream of being a poet. It was very difficult, but finally they found someone willing to publish it, and a pocket book titled “Gothic Love Poems” was printed. Unexpectedly, the book moved readers deeply, leading them to revisit their inner struggle to define themselves as human beings, and their desire for true love. It even stimulated them to think about how the outcome of love could be very painful, but that very pain allowed them to experience their own existence. Maggie was eighteen years old and liked reading very much, but seldom read poetry. She heard about Joe’s poems, how they inspired people to think about the sadness of his suicide, and how they held the power to make people think of the importance of loving someone – whether a real person or an imaginary one. So she read his book and was amazed by his descriptive ability and the way he expressed his emotional connection to the world as he conceptualized it – especially to the imaginary girl in his life. Maggie wished she could visit Joe and talk with him; she was attracted to his imagination, his creativity and the relationship he had with his own poems. However, how could she reach him? Maggie found an answer: she would be a poet too, then she could create Joe in her poems the way Joe created the girl in his. After several years of studying how to write poetry, Maggie began to get the hang of it. Writing daily, she nearly finished her first collection, but while working on the last poem, she began to hear loud noises in her head, day and night. She suspected this sudden onset of tinnitus was due to the stress of forcing herself to write. The noise irritated her ceaselessly, until she could not tolerate it anymore, and no matter how hard she tried to complete the final poem, she couldn’t. She was on the brink of a mental breakdown, and could barely perform the daily tasks of life. Eventually, she learned that Joe killed himself by jumping into the river. She went to the river, and looking at the waves, saw one with a man’s face smiling at her. She imagined it was Joe, and he said to her, “We should live together; we are both poets and we can write together; we belong to each other, we know each other better than anyone in the world – come Maggie, come Maggie.” Maggie decided the reason she got tinnitus was to guide her to the river to find Joe. She waved to the man in the wave and replied, “Joe, I’m coming; we’ll be happy because we understand each other’s needs and can fulfill our dreams together. Even though we were born in different times and never knew each other here in life, we can meet in another place, where the poetic atmosphere will let us share all our thoughts.” Maggie jumped into the river and died. Hoping to prevent other readers from doing what Joe and Maggie did, the media gave a clear message that Joe and Maggie had psychiatric problems that led them to commit suicide. No matter what people thought about their suicides, Joe and Maggie lived together in that river. Maybe the meaning of their lives lay in sharing their feelings with each other in a different time, a different place, and their poems served as a means for them to communicate with each other.

Chapter 14

A SWALLOW FLIES INTO A MARRIAGE Nancy was 40; her husband Peter was 47. They were grape farmers, as their parents were before them. They had received just a basic education, and never had children because they preferred doing the things they enjoyed, and didn’t want the responsibility. Nancy and Peter got married because they had a similar personality: quiet, content, not materialistic, non-competitive and nature loving. They rose early and worked on the farm every day; they weren’t interested in city life at all. They thought simplicity was beauty, and that having autonomy over their time was the most important element of being a free human. They lived a stable, happy life. One day, Peter was working on the farm and saw a swallow lying on the ground; its right leg seemed to be injured. He picked it up gently and said to it, “Little swallow, are you okay? Are you hungry or in pain? I will take you home and look after you.” A tear fell from the swallow’s eye. Nancy was cooking dinner when Peter came in with the swallow. They made a home for it by wrapping a wooden basket with a piece of soft cotton cloth. The swallow had a warm shelter now. Peter called the swallow Angel. From that day onwards, Angel became a member of their family. After a month of care, Angel recovered and looked healthy. Nancy suggested that Angel go back to her proper place in nature. Peter strongly disagreed; he felt that whenever he looked at the bird, Angel was talking to him gently, and the look in her eyes touched him deeply. Nancy did not want to quarrel with him so she let him keep Angel at home. Every night after working on the farm, Peter would go to see Angel before he went to the kitchen to see Nancy. Nancy did not find her husband’s behavior abnormal at first, but after several months, Peter continued to put Angel first, playing and talking with her more frequently every day. Nancy felt the lack of Peter’s love and concern. She could not tolerate her feelings of abandonment, and finally said, “Peter, are you crazy? Can’t you see that Angel is a bird and not your lover? You spend too much time with Angel, and you seem to have fallen in love with her. Do you even realize I am your wife?” Peter did not respond to Nancy’s complaints at all. He simply ignored them, because at this stage he was too enamored of Angel’s singing. He was bored of human communication and even of his wife’s words. He enjoyed Angel’s songs even though he knew nothing about how to interpret birds’ language. Nancy observed that Peter had changed; he believed Angel shared his feelings and his relationship with Angel was growing deeper and deeper.

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There was a big rift in their marriage. Peter did not care about Nancy anymore, and Nancy was frustrated by his unexplainable behavior toward Angel. But Nancy wanted to rebuild their marital bond to the way it was before Angel arrived. She tried to be more gentle and soft, lowering her voice and speaking slowing. She wore light-colored clothing, like pink and pale purple. She decided to lose weight, thinking that if she was skinny and weak, she would get Peter’s attention and he would care for her as he did the bird. She started to eat less and less, and her immune system got weaker and weaker. She began to get colds easily, but Peter did not pay attention to Nancy’s illness; rather, he enjoyed spending time with Angel best. No matter what Nancy did to try and rebuild her relationship with Peter, she was unsuccessful. Finally, she decided to leave Peter and return to her own family. Even though Nancy was gone, Peter did not notice anything different. He was able to work on the farm during the day and chat with Angel at night. Nancy’s parents knew why Nancy had returned home and felt very sorry about the situation; they said Peter was crazy and an irresponsible husband. Although her parents treated Nancy nicely and counseled her to forget this crazy guy, Nancy still felt sad and missed Peter very much. She prayed to God to return her marriage to the way it was before Angel turned up. That night, Nancy dreamed that she was in the field and saw Angel lying on the soil. She picked the bird up and squeezed her neck tightly, determined to kill her because she knew if Peter saw Angel, he would fall in love with her and their marriage would be over. Nancy used all her energy and, as she squeezed Angel’s neck with her thumbs and second fingers she spoke to her, saying “You are a bad woman who wishes to steal my husband. I have to kill you; I cannot let you destroy my family and my life with Peter.” Angel finally lay dead. Nancy awoke, drenched in sweat. She went to find Peter to see if there was any connection between her dream and reality. Nancy arrived at the farm and did not see him working in the fields, as was his custom. Her heart beat very fast as she arrived at their front door and shouted loudly, “Are you here? Peter, open the door please.” No one responded. Nancy called the police, and when they knocked down the door they found Peter dead on the bed, and Angel dead in her basket. Angel’s neck was bleeding just like it was in Nancy’s dream. Peter had a puncture wound in his chest, as from a knife, and had bled to death. Nancy was completely puzzled. She returned to her parents’ home, where her mother asked “Did the police realize it was you who killed Peter?” Nancy was shocked, and replied, “What are you talking about? I did not kill Peter at all.” Her mother held Nancy’s hands and cried, “Last night, you ran out of the home at around one o’clock without a word and you returned with bloody hands, your night gown was soaked with blood as well. I think it was about four o’clock. Your dad and I asked you what happened, but you closed your eyes and fell asleep at once. I changed your clothing and washed your bloody hands with wet towels and your dad washed your clothing. When we had almost finished cleaning you up, you laughed in your sleep and said, ‘Angel and Peter are no longer together, I killed both, because they hurt me.’” Nancy was terrified by what her mother said. Then the door bell rang, and it was the police, who said one of the neighbors had seen Nancy going into the house she shared with Peter the night before. The police suspected that Nancy was the murderer. Nancy did not resist and smiled, “It is the best result for me and Peter, and most importantly for Angel, because she can no longer have him.”

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After Nancy was put in jail, she received a psychiatric evaluation that diagnosed her with post-traumatic stress disorder, brought on by the loss of Peter’s love and his focus on Angel. She did not know what she had done that night because she did it in an unconscious state, involuntarily. She was free of society’s criticism for her behavior, and though she couldn’t remember what she had done, there was one thing she knew vividly: Angel, her enemy, was dead.

Chapter 15

TRAVELING BY BUS Betty was 73; her husband died of lung cancer when she was 68. They did not have any children. They seldom talked to each together but their eyes were able to convey a strong message of mutual love and respect. After her husband’s death, Betty moved to a small house in the countryside where all the villagers were retired; there, she settled into a simple life of fishing, jogging, gardening and chatting with neighbors. The main transportation to and from the village was a bus. The bus route was lined with flowers such as sunflowers and red roses. The flowers bloomed almost all the time; only in the winter when the snow fell were there no flowers to be seen. However, even then the scenery was beautiful, when soft snow lent a peaceful atmosphere and showed a silent and romantic side of the village. A return trip along the route lasted thirty minutes, and four bus drivers shared the responsibility of taking the villagers between their homes and the market. Ken was one of the bus drivers; he was middle aged and single. He chose to be a bus driver because his father had been one too. Ken did not know much about his father because his parents had been apart since he was eight. His mother took care of him and never said a word against his father and just told Ken that his father had found his life goal and wished to start another style of living. Though she was a single parent, Ken’s mother tried to provide a normal family life for Ken. She died of a stroke two year before Ken was assigned to the village bus route. During the first few months, Ken had a hard time on the village route, because there were only about two hundred residents, very few cars and no other public transport. He felt quite lonely when driving. However, this changed as he came to know more of his passengers. They appreciated his careful and stable driving, and gradually he was integrated into the community. Betty smiled often and looked younger than her age. In fact, her sorrow over losing her husband was deeply rooted in her heart. She did not show her feelings to her neighbors because she considered the unforgettable experience of love between her and her husband to be a private matter. Most importantly, she thought the pain of missing her beloved partner made her feel she was still alive – because only live human beings feel pain. So the memory of her husband’s love and the loss of her life partner were the fuel that drove her to continue living. However, she was very lonely. From the time Ken started on her bus route, Betty paid a great deal of attention to him. The reason was that Ken looked like her husband. His long face, gently curved nose and thick

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eyebrows were familiar, but the strongest similarity was his voice: it was the same as her husband’s. Betty could not believe that there was a person like Ken, so similar to her husband. She wished to see his face and hear his voice frequently, so she took the bus every day, whether she really needed to or not. It became an important part of her day, a task she must do. Ken never knew Betty’s motive for getting on his bus, but noticed that she never rode with the other drivers. Every time Betty got on Ken’s bus, she would look at his face carefully and listen to his voice attentively. Ken would say good morning to her. Apart from that, they had few chances to talk to each other. This causal contact between them was maintained for over two years. Ken started to figure out that Betty was seeking him out. He felt uncomfortable about this: an old lady who was a stranger to him but seemed to have fallen in love with him for unknown reasons. But Betty’s strong desire and sincere and persistent attitude moved him, and gradually he changed his view from one of uneasiness to an acceptance of her odd attraction to him. He thought she was very determined to form a connection with him. He also felt she was very real and kind. However, their relationship was limited to the bus and their dialogue was straightforward, though both hearts were beating hard and fast whenever they met each other. The villagers began to notice that Betty and Ken seemed to be in a relationship that surpassed that of a typical bus driver and passenger. They started to gossip, saying Betty was lonely and wished to have a man in her life to compensate for her emptiness; that Ken was unclear of what he was doing now, and might be getting close to Betty so he could take her money; or that both suffered from mental disorders and found they could communicate well because they could share their hallucinations and craziness. Even though Betty and Ken heard these rumors, they did not respond. They did enjoy an intimate heart-to-heart connection. Their relationship was growing deeper. One day, Betty invited Ken to her home for dinner. She had to gather her courage first, and convince herself to ignore any potential negative comments her neighbors would make when they saw Ken at her home. In the end, she decided that it was her own business. Ken was very interested in visiting her home and wanted to know more about Betty too, so he accepted her invitation. He went to the market to buy a bundle of pink roses, and a heart-shaped box of milk chocolate. Around seven o’clock in the evening, Ken rang Betty’s door bell, then greeted her politely. At that moment, she could not hold back her tears and her true love for him. She sobbed with her eyes on his face and remembered the time her husband came to her home to ask her to marry him. That was about thirty years ago, but time did not matter now. Ken and Betty’s affection for each other was exactly like what Betty had experienced with her husband. Ken entered her home and gave her the roses and chocolate. She invited him to sit on the sofa while she went to the kitchen to prepare dinner. He looked around her home and found it to be warm and peaceful. There was a wooden cabinet in a corner with many books in it, so he went to look at the books and there he saw a silver picture frame with a picture of Betty and her husband on their wedding day. The shocking thing was that the husband was Ken’s father. Yes, he was Ken’s father. The reason Ken’s father left Ken and his mother was because he wanted to marry Betty to start his second marriage. Ken remember what his mother told him when he was small, about his father wanting to start another life. That meant Betty was the reason Ken’s parents separated and, indirectly, the reason Ken grew up without a father. His mind went blank.

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Betty asked Ken to come to the table. He pretended nothing had happened. They chatted happily together, sharing their feelings and stories. Then Ken asked Betty to marry him, which she found unbelievable. But, she was honest about her true feelings: she did indeed want to live with Ken, so she firmly said, “I do.” Despite the strong disapproval of their neighbors, they were married. Ken did not ask anything about Betty’s previous marriage at all. He did not care that his father had been Betty’s husband before. He did not mind that Betty was the woman who made his mother so sad and caused her to have such a hard time raising him. He just knew he loved Betty. For her part, Betty felt the time she spent with Ken was just the same as the time she had spent with her first husband. It was so wonderful. Life had new meaning and Betty fully enjoyed this last part of her journey. Naturally, Betty had to leave Ken eventually. One winter, the weather was very cold and she contracted pneumonia and hypothermia. She died at home with Ken at her side. Even to her last breath, Ken kept the secret of his father, gazing at Betty gently and holding her tightly in his arms. They were only able to live together for three years, but they experienced true love beyond the boundary of age – Betty was thirty years older than Ken. More significantly, Ken’s love for Betty made him forgive and forget the one who had hurt him and taken away his most precious things. He also understood why his father decided to leave the family and marry Betty, because she was so charming and honest. Her beauty was internal, and it was that which made Ken’s father, and Ken, love her so deeply. Ken thought Betty was the most valuable gift God could ever have given to him.

Chapter 16

A FISHERMAN Bally was a fisherman, 27 years old, with a medium build, brown hair and big eyes. Whether he was happy, sad, anxious, sick, worried, or excited, his expression remained the same – he had a calm face that simply did not move much. An inwardly focused person, he did not like to talk at all. He thought men shouldn’t talk too much; he didn’t think words were trustworthy, believing actions to be more real than words. He also believed people should live for themselves, not for others, and that they should live as simply as possible, concerned only with providing themselves with basic foods, a natural living environment, and few desires. He had always been non-materialistic, non-aggressive, and non-competitive. He hoped to live in nature, with the river, the sky, birds, animals, plants and weather. He believed that interaction with other people should be avoided, and was never able to imagine a person who could live with him, or a person he could live with. Bally had a rule for fishing: he would only take one medium size fish per day, as this was enough for him to eat. Any big fish he caught he would put back in the river. One afternoon, he fished in the river as usual. The weather was sunny and warm. The river was clear as always. This was a small river, where only rarely did he see a fish as big as one or two kilograms, but on this day he hooked one that felt to be five or more kilograms. He could hardly pull up his pole, but when he managed to do so, he saw a big fish indeed, about four feet long, pinkish, with a lean body. It was so strange to see such a big fish in this river, and it was surely the first time Bally had seen a fish such as this. He was afraid the pink fish would die quickly out of the river, so he quickly set it free. Even after such an extraordinary experience, Bally did not show any shock or excitement on his face. He viewed it as nothing special. Next day, he went fishing again. Around the same time as the day before, he felt his pole being pulled by a big fish. He used all his energy to pull up the fish, and oh! It was the same pink fish! The fish’s eyes looked human, and seemed to be saying “please take me home.” As before, he put it back into the river. Every day for the next month, he caught that same fish. Finally, one day he heard the fish whispering to him in a clear and sweet girlish voice, “Please take me home. I was your lover in a previous life.” Bally was shocked -- the first time he ever experienced a strong emotion. His face tensed. He asked the fish, “What are you talking about? Would you please tell me more?” The fish continued, “I mean that you were a fish too in this river. We lived in harmony together, until one day when we came across an angel. She told us that she would help us

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transform into human beings. At first, you – like me – felt that you preferred to be a fish to being a human being. But finally, you told me that you wished to experience the life of a human. You accepted the angel’s offer: you became a human being, and I am still a fish living in the river.” Bally probed, “Why didn’t I know any of this?” The fish replied, “Because the angel said you had to drink a special medicine that made you forget everything about when you were a fish.” Bally asked, “Then why can you talk like a human?” The fish said, “Because I miss you so much, as you have been gone for over twenty years. I begged the angel to make me a human too, so I could live with you. I can’t live without you for the rest of my life. These twenty years have made me crazy with loneliness.” Bally was shocked and said, “That means I lost all my memory of my life before these last twenty years, and you have been waiting for me over twenty years.” The fish dissolved into tears and all her sorrows were relieved now that she had found Bally again. Bally patted the fish’s body and asked for permission to hug her. The fish said yes. Bally asked how he should address her, and she said “I am Betty.” “Betty, why couldn’t you speak to me the first time I caught you? Why are you able to speak now,” asked Bally. Betty replied, “Because the angel said I did not show a strong desire to be a human being. I had to show her that I really want to be a human. I had to show her that I really intended to transform my fish body to a human body, my life in the river to my life on land with you.” Bally felt powerless at that moment, not knowing how he could live with Betty. She could not live without water, and he could not live in the water. And, Betty still loved him deeply, but he did not have any strong feelings for her, because he did not remember when he was a fish and the time he spent with her. But one thing he knew was that Betty loved him and needed him very much. How could he tell her that he did not have similar feelings for her? Bally decided that even though he did not have those feelings for Betty, he would pretend he loved her because he felt guilty that he had left her and let her wait him for so long. Time was running short; he had to put Betty back in the river or she would die. Betty used her last breath to tell him farewell and that she hoped to see him soon. From that day onwards, when Bally went to the river to find Betty, he didn’t fish for her because he was afraid of hurting her. Instead he scanned at the river looking for her, and Betty looked up in order to see him. Bally wanted to return to life as a fish in the river. He begged the angel to turn up. The angel came and said, “Bally, do you really want to be a fish again?” Bally replied, “Yes, I do.” The angel asked further, “Do you think you can adapt to life in the river? And more important, do you think you can live with Betty?” Bally convinced the angel that he would love to be a fish again, and was very confident that he and Betty could stay happily together forever. When Betty learned Bally was willing to live with her in the river, she felt ambivalent: on one hand, she really wished to live with him; on the other hand, she was afraid that he would leave her when he regained his memory of when he was a fish. But Betty could not hide her love for him and her desire to have him at her side. So she told him it was a good idea for them to live together in the river. She was so happy that Bally made the decision to transform

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back into a fish. Bally begged the angel to change him, but the angel replied that he would be very sad if he became a fish and that he would soon die. Bally did not believe that but he asked the angel for the reason. The angel said that she could not disclose what he had experienced in the past because only Betty could tell him that. Bally did not press Betty for any explanation because he knew there must be a reason that she did not want to tell him. So, Bally became a fish – a blue fish, 5 feet long with shiny skin, and very fast. Also, he was able to remember his previous life as a fish and many details of his life with Betty. He remembered a long silver male fish who took his Betty away from him. Bally squeezed his eyes shut, giving himself a headache trying to remember the details. Then he heard a strong male voice saying “Bally, you came back to the river.” Bally opened his eyes wildly, and saw a silver fish in front of him identical to the one he had just seen in his memory.” Now Bally was able to remember the most crucial event in his past: Betty had told him she wanted to live with the silver fish, as she loved him more. It was because Betty had broken his heart so badly that Bally had begged the angel to change him into a human being. At the time the angle explained clearly to him that once he became a human he would forget everything, because the purpose of transforming was to help him forget all the sadness of his life when he was a fish – especially being hurt by Betty. The angel also told Betty that she could be human too, but as such, she would never be able to win Bally’s love. As a human, Bally would live a simple life without any romantic relationships with anyone. His life would be full of the joys offered by nature instead. Bally knew that Betty had told him a lie. In fact, Betty hoped to have two men in her life: the silver fish because he was romantic and understood all her needs; and Bally because he gave her a sense of security and was her first lover: she could not let him go. Betty wanted to keep everything she liked and never allow her possessions to leave her. Bally knew the truth now, and he screamed at the angel for helping him to become a fish again. He could not bear to be betrayed by his beloved Betty anymore. The angel appeared and said to Bally, “You should accept the reality that Betty loved another more than you. Betty chose to tell you a lie, and because she never loved you as much as you love her, she hurt you again. Betty does not know what love is, she only wants to have as many lovers as she can; she wants to have control over everything. Bally, you are simply one of her possessions.” Bally felt empty. He went to Betty and asked, “Why did you wait for me for twenty years? Why, even after I changed back to a fish, do you still want to live with the silver fish?” Betty replied honestly, “I can’t live with the silver fish only because he can’t fulfill all my needs. I want to have you too. I never want to be a loser. You choosing to become a fish again so you can live with me means I am not a loser. I want to be the winner.” Bally said then, “If you were me, what would you do?” Betty replied, “I would kill Betty because she was a cruel woman who hurt me twice.” Bally swam quickly towards some rocks and knocked his head into a big one; all his blood flowed out. Betty swam quickly to him and asked why he did that. Bally said that he took revenge on her by killing himself so she would never be able to have him. Bally wanted Betty to experience losing control in her life. The silver fish saw all this, and went to Betty and said, “Betty, you are extremely selfish; you want to keep everything for yourself, and you never see things through the eyes of others. I can’t tolerate it any longer. I must leave you at once.”

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Betty was stunned; she lost both her lovers at the same time. She begged the angel to give Bally a second life so she could treat him right and love him as much as she could. The angel said, “Betty, you would never love Bally, because Bally and you do not know what love is. You hurt Bally, Bally took revenge. Keeping someone is not love, and taking revenge is not love. This matter is over.”

Chapter 17

THE TREE “See! My kite is higher than yours!” Joe said. “It’s not fair; you start flying yours earlier than I did,” replied Karen. The teens were laughing and running in a park that hadn’t changed in years: the same swings, the same roundabout, the same slide, the same benches, only the trees had grown older and the roads had been eroded by rain and people’s footsteps. Karen and Joe had been neighbors since they were born. Karen was now fifteen and Joe was seventeen. Karen was quite thin; she ate little because of the stress school caused her. Her parents were in their late fifties; her father was a cook in a fast food restaurant and her mother owned a small shop where she sold yarn and knitting materials and offered workshops. Karen was the only child in the family but she had not been spoiled or over-protected by her parents, as they were quite busy with their work and believed that children should struggle a bit in life. That way, they would learn by facing their difficulties and trying to handle matters by themselves, rather than seeking help from others. Karen studied very hard and spent most of her time reading and doing her homework. She seldom played with her classmates and neighbors, except Joe. Karen had liked Joe very much since she was about six. They often played together in the park, and sometimes on weekends Karen’s mother would bring Karen over to Joe’s, or Joe’s parents would take Joe to Karen’s. Joe was also the only child in his family. His father was a clerk in a financial company and his mother was a housewife. Karen and Joe shared all their feelings without reservation, like a brother and sister, but as they grew older, they started to think about whether their relationship should remain like that of siblings, or if they should take it to a different level. Before they could sort it out, Karen’s parents announced that they had decided to send her abroad to college. They made the decision without even consulting Karen, thinking that as her parents, they could make the best choice for her. Karen was shocked. They had even paid the registration fee and bought the airline ticket before telling her that she was leaving home for further studying. Karen did not resist because her parents were firm and never allowed her to show any disagreement. Any time she had tried in the past to voice her needs and intentions, her parents viewed her actions as a rebellion that implied that she was not loyal to them. Therefore, Karen said nothing about the arrangements they made, but she felt extremely frustrated, powerless and hopeless. But then she started thinking about why she had such negative feelings about her parents’ decision. She thought and thought about it, and realized that she didn’t want to leave because she would miss Joe. She did not want to be apart from him. She felt she could not live without him, that she would not be able to tolerate days and

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nights without seeing his face and hearing his voice. She kept these thoughts and this pain to herself. She did not want to tell Joe that she had to leave soon because she didn’t want him to be sad. She knew he would be even unhappier than she was, so she pretended nothing had happened, even though she would have to leave in two mothers. The time came closer, until only a week remained before Karen had to leave. She asked Joe to come to the park, but she was very quiet. Joe did not notice anything unusual except that she spoke little. He asked her why she did not want to fly kites or play, but just wanted sit on a bench under a tree. It was a special tree, because Joe had carved the words “Karen and Joe will be together forever!” into its trunk a few years ago. They sat for an hour in silence, until Karen finally spoke; she asked “Will you always have a place for me in your heart?” Joe replied, “No, I really can’t see any point in having a girlfriend like you.” “Are you kidding?” Karen probed. “Yes, I really feel like I know everything about you, and we have been together since you were a baby. Aren’t you tired of me too?” Karen said, “Yes, now that you mention it, I guess maybe we are bored with each other.” Joe was an honest boy, and he really thought they knew each other too well and maybe should make some new friends. Joe was also confused about his relationship with Karen too: was she his sister or his girfriend? On the one hand, their relationship was not like that of average siblings. There was more to it than that. But, their relationship was also missing what most girlfriends and boyfriends had: the heart racing and excitement at seeing each other. So, Joe told Karen frankly that he needed time to think through their relationship. He did not have any intention of hurting her; he just thought he could tell her everything as he always had. He did not realize this time was different; he didn’t know Karen was going to leave him. For her part, what Karen heard was that Joe did not need her anymore, and her heart collapsed. She told him she had to go home as she still had some homework to finish. That night, Karen could not sleep. She thought over all the years she had known Joe, through kindergarten, elementary, junior high and high school; playing together, arguing with each other, expressing their views to each other. Her mind was full of the happy, unforgettable times she had spent with him. She looked through her albums; one held memories of all of her birthdays, and Joe was a presence at all of those parties. She particularly loved one photo that was taken at her 14th birthday: Joe wore a black suit with a red bowtie and black leather shoes. She wore a white dress with white flowers at the edges. They looked like it was their wedding. She thought about taking this photo with her, to keep her company over the next five years, but instead she put it back into the album, not wishing to bring any physical reminders of Joe to her new environment so they didn’t distract her from her studies. It was the day Karen had to get on the plane. Joe still did not know she was leaving, and hadn’t called her over the past week because he was busy with midterms. Karen had fought off the urge to call him, and also the urge to tell him she was leaving, so she managed to maintain a certain emotional stability until the moment her parents were saying goodbye to her and reminding her to take care of herself. She suddenly felt lost that Joe was not there. She really wished she could tell her parents that she did not want to go, but they seemed determined that she achieve the academic goals they had in mind for her. They hadn’t told her all of their reasons for the decision, however. They had realized that Karen might fall in love with Joe, and knew that if they didn’t separate the two friends, they might start dating. Karen’s parents disliked Joe because his family was poor and he was just an average student.

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Therefore, sending Karen abroad was not solely for the purpose of studying, but also to prevent them from dating. Karen got on the plane and looked through the window, but could see nothing as her eyes were full of tears. She felt like a hammer was pounding heavily on her skull. Her limbs were weak and she felt she had lost all perspective of her life. But she had to tolerate all that and try to be tough in order to adapt to her new environment. She arrived at the college dormitory and met her roommate, a cheerful, active girl taking many of the same major courses as Karen. Karen could not concentrate on studying and college life at all; all she thought about was Joe. She did not write or phone him, because she wished to totally terminate their relationship. She could not return home until she finished her degree, and Joe could not enroll at the college as his family could not afford it. She did not want Joe to wait for her for five years, so she blocked all channels through which they might have been able to communicate. Time healed Karen’s pain. After the first difficult year, she grew able to concentrate on her studying. She got very poor grades in her first year, but from the second year onward, she earned the highest marks in her class. She even managed to complete her studies in four years instead of the standard five. She was awarded highest honors and was offered a scholarship to continue into the master’s program, but she felt she had fulfilled her responsibility to her parents and could now do as she liked – and one thing she certainly wanted to do was to see Joe. For four years she had heard nothing about Joe. She had so many questions and hoped to get some answers. How did he react when he learned she was leaving? What had he been doing over the past four years? Did he study or work? Did he have a girlfriend? But her most burning question was, did he still have her in his heart? Would Karen and Joe really be together forever? She returned home and went quickly to Joe’s house; his mother opened the door for her. She was very thin and pale, and seemed devoid of energy. Karen asked, “How are you? May I see Joe?” His mother replied slowly, “No, you can never see Joe.” Karen was shivering, “What happened? I don’t understand.” Joe’s mother explained: “Joe died two years ago due to chronic depression. He had stopped going out or doing anything social; he just stayed in bed all day and ate so little he became malnourished. He was so weak. Finally he went into cardiac arrest and died late one rainy night.” Karen did not know how to react. She couldn’t even cry, the news of Joe’s death was so sudden and unbelievable. He had always been so cheerful and positive; how could he have become so depressed? His mother did not even know the reason Joe became so moody and lost all motivation for living. She only knew that he seemed to have experienced a great loss. He never told his parents what this loss was – not even in his last moments. Karen expressed her deep condolences to Joe’s mother over the loss of their beloved and only son, and left his home. Then she went to the park, where the old bench she and Joe always sat on had changed from a wooden one to an iron one. The tree was still there, but it looked a bit older than before. Karen looked to see whether the words carved by Joe were still there. Yes, yes, there they were: “Karen and Joe will be together forever.” The words burned through her heart and she almost fainted, but just before her eyes closed, she noticed some new words under the original carving. They said, “Karen, I must tell you, I love you so much and could never live without you.” Karen realized that Joe had suffered even more than she did when she left, and that he loved her even more than she loved him. She never thought that Joe, who was such an easygoing guy, could be so depressed without her.

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Karen want home, where she found her parents sitting in the dining room. They didn’t realize she was back, and Karen overheard her mother say that it was too bad Joe was dead on one hand, but it was also good because that meant Karen would not have to marry a poor man. Her father said they should not talk about Joe because Karen would be home soon. They did not know Karen was already there, listening. Karen realized how cruel her parents had been to her and to Joe, but she was a loyal daughter and pretended she did not overhear them. She called out to Daddy and Mammy, and they were very happy to see her. They went out for a great dinner that night. Karen told them all about her college life over the past four years, and they shared some significant events from their lives, but never mentioned a word about Joe. At home after dinner, Karen went to her bedroom and took out the photo she loved the most – the one in which she and Joe looked like they were getting married. She held it in her hands and looked at herself in the mirror, saying, “I am coming to where you are, Joe, where you are waiting for me.” She thought she would commit suicide by taking her mother’s sleeping pills, but when she was about to swallow the tablets, she heard a voice whisper “Dear, don’t be silly. I was so silly to end my life, and now I’ll never be able to fly a kite with you again. Please live; go to the tree as if I was still with you, and we can still be together forever.” Karen dropped the tablets on the floor. She decided to keep on living so she could remember the time she spent with Joe. However, she never spoke another word to her parents, because they had indirectly killed Joe and hurt her so deeply. They did not know Karen knew why they had sent her abroad, and thought she had suffered some kind of mental break because of losing Joe. They forced Karen to see a psychiatrist, who prescribed some sedatives and antidepressants for her, but she never took them. The parents tried everything they could think of to get Karen to speak to them, but she never did. Even after they died, she still could not forgive them. She continued to go to the tree in the park every day, until the time came that she also died.

Chapter 18

A SILENCED WOMAN’S BELIEF ON TRINITARIAN COMMUNION AS FAMILIAL LOVE ABSTRACT The concept of Trinity within Christianity has not been conclusively defined at either the personal or the religious level. This paper attempts to interpret this concept from a familial perspective. As a researcher in the field of family studies, I perceive the Trinity as a metaphor for “Family.” The Father-Son relationship forms the foundation of the Trinitarian family, while the Spirit is the words spoken by the Father and Son in order to communicate with humans. Conceptualization of the Trinity as the interplay between theological thinking and familial features can integrate both traditional scholastic and contemporary humanistic interpretations of the Father, the Son, and the Spirit. Under this integration, Trinitarian communion can be regarded as a manifestation of familial love in heaven and on earth. This paper consists of four sections: an overview of the concept of Trinity, a familial perspective on understanding Trinity, discussions about the understanding of Trinitarian communion as a metaphor for familial love, and a call for tolerance of individualistic and contextual understandings of what Trinity is and how it works in order to make God/our Father more approachable and comprehensible.

BACKGROUND An understanding of the doctrine of the Trinity can begin at either the ideological or the practical level. The ideology of Trinity is not much of a concern for the general public, because there is not much difference for them between believing in one God versus a Trinity – three gods. However, what and how the Trinity should be defined is a never-ending debate among theologians and academics. In a practical sense, the church gathers as the people of God in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit, and worships the Father through the Son in the Spirit (Weinandy, 1995, p.3). It seems that the three (The Father, the Son and the Spirit) should be considered as a collective unity. God gives omniscient faithfulness, omnipotent love and omnipresent hope to the world and we who are created by Him (Shults, 2005). The idea of the Trinity allows us to sense and receive God’s faith, love and hope for us to have a meaningful life on earth, and prepare for eternal life. God is the great creator and redeemer (Dowey, 1994). The Trinity is still a

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mystery (Broughton and Southgate, 2002). The Trinity was not mentioned in the bible (Olson and Hall, 2002). Whenever we approach knowledge, we have to ask which perspective it comes from and how it is being interpreted (Chan and Ma, 2005a). Meanings are represented symbolically by language in such specific contexts (Moss, 1998). When we participate in the process of understanding biblical texts (Fackre, 1997), our own perception emerges of what messages these texts try to convey. Trinity is a case in point, as it can be regarded as a socially constructed analogy shaped by various forces like politics, history, culture and the individual’s level of knowing and interpreting. The main focus of this paper is my individual understanding of the Trinitarian, as informed by my background as a researcher in family and mental health disciplines. Particularly, I take the stance that God is a compassionate and caring Father (Eshleman et al., 2000; Goodwin, 2001; Kung, 2001; Mercer, 2002). Without a relational knowing of who God is and how we connect with Him, we cannot experience His seamless love and triune nature. Interpreting the Trinity is a process of getting to know God, getting closer to the Father, imitating the Son (i.e. acting in a righteous manner) and teaching in the manner of the Spirit (here referring to the messages delivered by the Father and the Son to humans) about the knowledge of God. These together allow us to address our ultimate concern: relationships with God and people. We are able to enter into communion with God’s glory and experience God’s love because God permits us to enter his Trinitarian family via the presence of the Father and the Son, and the power of the Spirit. This paper consists of four sections: an overview of Trinity, a familial perspective on understanding Trinity, discussions about the metaphorical understanding of Trinitarian communion as familial love, with a conclusion.

OVERVIEW OF TRINITY The concept of the Trinity sets Christianity apart from other religions. Trinity makes Christianity unique, but it also means Christianity is excluded by other religions. The Father, Son and Spirit are clearly distinguished in Scripture and they are differentiated by their relations with each other (Giles, 2002). The three divine individuals taken together would form a collective source of being of all other things; the members would be totally mutually dependent and necessarily jointly behind each other’s acts (Swinburne, 1994). From the affectionate perspective, the Trinity can be regarded as a philosophical means to understanding love and suffering. Barth believed that God’s revelation is equal to the existence of God. The three-in-one God means that God, in and through the Christ-event, is the same as Christ. Ultimately, the three-in-one God is modes of being. The Christian revelation holds the doctrine of Trinity as a central element of its creed (Swinburne, 1994). Two types of revelation can be identified (Fackre, 1997). General revelation is manifest via the creation of the world and the grace of the covenant of preservation made with Noah. Special revelation is manifest via the incarnation of Jesus Christ. The revelation of God that takes place through Jesus’ life, crucifixion, and resurrection takes us to increasing depths (Gregersen, 2005, Suchocki, 1995). God seems to love humans more than his own son; therefore, humans seem to be placed in a higher position than Jesus Christ’s life and even than God’s Himself. From this point, God plays a role similar to that of

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a human father who loves his children so much he is willing to sacrifice anything so that they may live.

A FAMILIAL PERSPECTIVE ON UNDERSTANDING THE TRINITY In the systemic view, a family is a living system that is open to input from the larger social system (Cox and Paley, 1997). I would like to consider the Trinitarian ontology as the Trinitarian family with two family members (The Father and the Son) and the Spirit, which acts as a narrator for the Father and the Son. Spirit is referred to as the breath of life in the Old Testament (Fiddes, 2000, p.254). The Father and the Son are ready to communicate with the world, i.e., the larger social system. This paper adopts five concepts of the family perspective to shed light on the mystery of Trinity. The five concepts are father-son relationship, hierarchical relationships, boundaries, homeostasis, and morphogenesis (Becvar and Becvar, 1982; Minuchin, 1974).

Father-Son Relationship Each member of a family has a relational property in relation to other family members. Each family member’s acts will affect other members because a family is constructed and gains meaning through the interactions among members (Chan and Ma, 2005b). Therefore, each member’s decisions or behavior are not simply individual ones, but are rather of familial concern. Biblical characters have images and these images should be revisited in their sociocultural contexts (Weber, 1982). In general, God is perceived as a caring father with divine properties. When boys perceive God as male, they feel closer to God, and when girls perceive God as female, they feel closer to God (Eshleman et al., 2000). Psychoanalytic theory says that when a father image is used to represent God, a critical examination of gender should be considered (Mercer, 2002). Rather than seeing God as female or male, we should go beyond gender when thinking about God, as God is the greatness and the first cause of everything. Therefore, gender in the human sense would limit his mobility. However, addressing God as male or He/Him can shorten the distance between us, making human-style communication possible. God shows love for humanity in three ways: the triune God, the incarnation and grace (Kasper, 1984). There is only one God (Giles, 2002). Without the revelation we cannot know God. God allows us to learn from His greatness and kindness, as expressed through creation and salvation. We perceive his fatherly nature similar to a human father’s mercy and goodness toward his children. The main difference between the heavenly Father and human fathers is the divine power possessed by God, while the similarity is that both love their children. God is outside time and is timeless (Swinburne, 1994). We also perceive our birth father in this way: whether he is alive or dead, we hold him in our minds beyond any timeframe. Two kinds of father-son relationships were defined by Kasper (1984): the active generation

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(fatherhood) is the relation of the father to the son. The passive generation (sonship) is the relation of the son to the father. There is an eternal dependence of the Son on the Father and the Spirit on the Father and the Son (Kasper, 1984). Tan (1997) emphasized that if equality between the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit became accepted doctrine, God’s sovereignty would be weakened. I disagree, because when we really love and care about someone, we are willing to give some power to him/her. There should not be any conflict between sovereignty and empowerment.

Hierarchical Relationships The concept of hierarchical relationships refers to the internal organizational characteristics of the family and its various subsystems. Hierarchical relationships can be seen as a stabilizing force in the family (Gelles and Maynard, 1987). For example, those who hold higher status in the family hierarchy have the power to control the behavior of others in the family. Traditionally, parents, specifically the father, hold the highest position in the family hierarchy. Likewise, God has sovereignty. Swinburne (1994) says that God is omnipotent in that whatever He chooses to do, He succeeds in doing. God’s omniscience has usually been understood as His knowledge of all true propositions (Swinburne, 1994, p.130).

Boundaries Boundaries refer to the family’s ability to exchange input and output with the external environment (Becvar and Becvar, 1982). The same applies between the Father and the Son, and the world: the boundary of the Trinitarian family allows humans to enter their Trinitarian family. On the other hand, the Father and the Son deliver their divine works to humans through the works of the Spirit, communicating to humans in an ongoing process about accepting God as our only god and preventing sins that would destroy our relationship with God. Additionally, boundary permeability is a central concept and semi-permeable boundaries are most functional (Becvar and Becvar, 1982). Even though the Trinitarian family invites humans to experience their familial greatness and love, there are still many mysteries beyond human ability to understand, but we are given glimpses through revelation, which is in turn achieved via biblical studies and natural theology. In this sense, the Trinitarian family sets a boundary that clearly separates it from humans, yet it welcomes humans by allowing those who have faith in God to enter the family. “God is not only in and above, but also with the creatures” (Gregersen, 2005, p.24).

Homeostasis A family is able to maintain a remarkable consistency of organizational characteristics (Becvar and Becvar, 1982; Steinglass, 1987). It behaves in patterned and predictable fashions because it operates according to morphostatic (regulatory) principles. It tends to establish a sense of balance and resists any change from this predetermined level of stability.

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Homeostasis demonstrates the nature of family as an open-living system and refers to the maintenance of internal stability and resistance to change (Steinglass, 1987). Within the Trinitarian family, God’s creation of the world, the historical events of Jesus’ life, and the power of Spirit have been well documented in biblical texts and stories of Christians’ experiences. The partnership work between the Father and the Son in the presence of the Spirit maintains the inner stability by assigning distinct roles and functions to each family member, both within and outside the Trinitarian family.

Morphogenesis Morphogenesis states that family systems change over time and the family will increase in organizational complexity (Becvar and Becvar, 1982; Steinglass, 1987), just as humans, once they believe in God, eventually can experience the grace and providence given by God, and enjoy eternal life in heaven. The Trinitarian family expands as more human members join it. One understanding of the Trinitarian family points out that there are two layers to it. The first one is the inner layer in which only the Father, the Son and the Spirit can dwell, because they are divine in nature. The second one is the outer layer, where humans are situated and from which they can communicate with God through his own revelation as the Father, the Son and the Spirit. These revelations emerge on the objective level – as in the creation of the world and the unpredictable expression of nature’s power, such as earthquakes and Tsunami - and on the subjective level – as when humans experience a sense of intimacy and connectedness with God during prayer and participation in church rituals.

TRINITARIAN COMMUNION: FAMILIAL LOVE Within the Trinitarian communion, The Father has a dynamic relationship with the Son, and they both present their love to each other -- the Father in the Son or vice versa (George, 2002). Both show their concerns and endless love for humans via the work of the Spirit. The Spirit can be considered the bond between the Father and the Son (Pittenger, 1974). From a feminist theological perspective, the Spirit can be perceived as female, while Jesus represents masculinity (Prichard, 1999). The Spirit possesses the essence of both and serves the function of reaching the human community and letting us hear the words of, and receive grace from, God. The Spirit is referred to as the breath of life (Fiddes, 2000). The Spirit is seldom mentioned in the Trinity (Kung, 2001). Church doctrine holds that the Spirit is also God, as there is only one God. Spirit is the divine history, the process of self-distinction, separation, and return (Kasper, 1984). The Holy Spirit is simply but most distinctly the renewing power of the breath of His mouth which, as such, is the breath of the sovereign. Holy Spirit is the divine gift, who dwells in the believer (Gregersen, 2005, p.22). It is the power in which God’s word, the word of truth, is not only in Him, but going out to humans, where and when He wills it, returning back to Him with the increase of our faith, knowledge and obedience (Fackre, 1997). An understanding of Trinity must take into account the way God makes himself known through the Son and the Spirit (LaCugna, 1991). Love is the glue that holds the universe

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together from a cosmic view (Evan, 1996). Love is romantic, and romance is an uncertainty (Elam, 1992). Love is an act of recognition between human beings (Evan, 1996). Love is not merely a positive emotion, because it also involves elements of fear and hatred (Christian Science Monitor, 1996). Pure and mature love is reciprocated and shows appreciation for self and other (Cooke, 2004). Cho and Cross (1995) suggested that there are two love styles among Chinese people: Calculated Love, which is individualistically-oriented; and Obligatory Love, which refers to a partner’s contribution and willingness to sacrifice for the family’s sake. I think the Trinitarian communion encompasses both calculated love and obligatory love, because God gives us both generalized grace and particular grace, and He even sacrificed his only Son to save us from our sins and offer us a new life. Christian religions purport that love is the supreme good and involves sharing, giving to the other what one has that is good for the other, and receiving from the other what s/he has that is good for one; and love involves co-operating with another to benefit third parties (Swinburne, 1994). Pembroke (2004) mentioned that triune love is one and it is three. This loving communication is expressed in three ways: the Father is the originating lover; the son the incarnation of the love; and the spirit is the living power of that love made available in the world (p.164). As mentioned above, Tan (2004) claimed that when we accept the ontology of equality between Father, Son and Spirit, God’s sovereignty is weakened. If God is in Jesus, then every sin is a sin felt by God and is therefore a sin against God (Suchocki, 1995). This means God will be a suffering god. Through Jesus Christ and in the Holy Spirit God is the salvation of man (Kasper, 1984). O’Collins (2002) suggested that through His incarnate son, God has spoken to us and purified our sins. Kasper (1984) asserts that Trinity is formed through the human need for love. Jesus served as an iconic function of God’s love through the nature of forgiveness and salvation (Suchocki, 1995). Love is understood in terms of rationality, in so far as the relationship between the Father and the Son is seen as God’s rationality (Collins, 2001). The primary aim of love is the establishment of a state of communion (Pembroke, 2004, p.166). God has created us and sustains us in existence at every moment and so all the good things of life come to us through His agency or permission (Swinburne, 1994). The promise of the outpouring of the Spirit is an integral aspect of the salvation that God promises (Kung, 2001). The role of the Spirit is to create communion in the Church (Gunton, 2003). As such, the Spirit maintains the mutual loving relationship between God and us.

CONCLUSION In this paper, I have given my interpretation of the Trinity as a metaphor for familial love. While the arguments herein are quite personal, I have tried to show other scholars’ views related to the Trinity in order to demonstrate that diverse interpretations of the Trinity are the rule, rather than the exception. With this writing, I add to these interpretations my understanding of the Trinitarian communion via the features of a familial perspective, i.e. the father-son relationship, hierarchical relationships, boundaries, homeostasis, and morphogenesis. It is my hope to encourage tolerance of individualistic and contextual understandings of what Trinity is and how it works in order to make God/our Father more approachable and comprehensible.

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REFERENCES Becvar, R. J., and Becvar, D. S. (1982). Systems theory and family therapy: A primer. New York: University Press of America, Inc. Broughton, J. H., and Southgate, P. J. (2002). The Trinity- True or False? 2nd ed. Nottingham, England: “The Dawn” Book Supply. Chan, C. Y. Z., and Ma, L. C. J. (2005a). Postmodernism thinking: Uniqueness of anorectic families. The Qualitative Report, 10(2). http://www.nova.edu/ssss/QR/index.html Chan, C. Y. Z., and Ma, L. C. J. (2005b). Many Facets of the Systemic View: Chinese Families with a Starving Daughter. In Swain, Pamela I. Eating Disorders: New Research: New York: Nova Science Publishers, Inc. Cho, W., and Cross, S. E. (1995). Taiwanese love styles and their association with selfesteem and relationship quality. Genetic, Social and General Psychology Monographs, 121(3), 283-309. Christian Science Monitor (November 13, 1996). Love. 88(244), 17. Collins, P. M. (2001). Trinitarian theology: West and East: Karl Barth, the Cappadocian Fathers, and John Zizioulas. Oxford: Oxford University Press. Cooke, B. (2004). Power and the Spirit of God: Toward an Experience-based Pneumatology. New York: Oxford University Press. Cox, M. J., and Paley, B. (1997). Families as systems. Annual Review of Psychology, 48, 243267. Dowey, E. A. (1994). The Knowledge of God in Calvin’s Theology. Grand Rapids, Michigan: William B. Eerdmans Publishing Company. Elam, D. (1992). Romancing the postmodern. London: Routledge. Eshleman, A. K., Dickie, J. R., Merasco, D, M., Shepard, A., and Johnson, M. (2000). Mother God, Father God: Children’s perceptions of God’s distance. The International Journal for the Psychology of Religion, 9(2), 139-146. Evan, D. B. (1996). How to know if it’s real love. Lesbian News, 21(7), 1/2. Fackre, G. (1997). The doctrine of revelation: A narrative interpretation. Edinburgh: Edinburgh University Press. Fiddes, P. S. (2000). Participating in God: A Pastoral Doctrine of the Trinity. Kentucky, Great Britain: Westminster John Knox Press. Gelles, R. J., and Marynard, P. E. (1987). A Structural Family Systems Approach to Intervention in Cases of family Violence. Family Relations, 36, 270-275. George, T. (2002). Is the God of Muhammad the Father of Jesus? The answer to this question reveals the heart of our faith. Christianity Today, February 4, 2002, 28-35. Giles, K. (2002). The Trinity and subordinationism: the doctrine of God and the contemporary gender debate. Downers Grove, Illinois: InterVarsity Press. Goodwin, A. (2001). Identity, love and the imaginary Father. Pastoral Psychology, 49(5), 349-362. Gregersen, N. H. (2005). Grace in nature and history: Luther’s doctrine of creation revisited. Dialog: A Journal of Theology, 44(1), 19-29. Gunton, C. E. (1998). The triune creator: A historical and systematic study. Edinburgh: Edinburgh University Press.

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Gunton, C. E. (2003). Father, Son and Holy Spirit: Essays toward a Fully Trinitarian Theology. London: T and T Clark. Kasper, W. (1984). The God of Jesus Christ. London: SCM Press Ltd. Kung, L. Y. (2001). “Why did the heavenly Father take my mother away?”: Theodicy revisited. Asia Journal of Theology, 15 no.1, 67-91. Kung, L. Y. (2001). Outpouring of the spirit: a reflection on Pentecostals’ identity. Asian Journal of Pentecostal Studies, 4/1, 3-19. LaCugna, C. M. (1991). God for Us: The Trinity and Christian Life. New York: HarperCollins Publishers. Mercer, J. A. (2002). Psychoanalysis, parents, and god: Julia Kristeva on subjectivity and the imaginary Father. Pastoral Psychology, 50(4), 243-258. Minuchin, S. (1974). Families and family therapy. Cambridge, MA: Harvard University Press. Moss, J. (1988). The later Foucault. London: Sage Publications. O’Collins, G. (2002). Incarnation. London: Continuum. Olson, R. E. and Hall, C. A. (2002). The Trinity. Cambridge, U.K.: Wm. B. Eerdmans Publishing Co. Pembroke, N. (2004). Trinity, love, and pastoral mirroring. Pastoral Psychology, 53(2), 163173). Pittenger, N. (1974). The Holy Spirit. Philadelphia, USA: United Church Press. Prichard, R. B. (1999). Sensing the spirit: the holy spirit in feminist perspective. St. Louis, USA: Chalice Press. Shults, F. L. (2005). Reforming the doctrine of God. Michigan, USA: William B. Eerdmans Publishing Company. Steinglass, P. (1987). A systems view of family interaction and psychology. In Jacob, T. Family interaction and psychology: Themes, methods, and finding. New York: Plenum Press. Suchocki, M. H. (1995). God, Christ, Church: A practice guide to process of theology. New Revised Edition. New York: Crossroad. Swinburne, R. (1994). The Christian God. New York: Oxford University Press. Tan, S. K. (1997). A trinitarian ontology of missions. International Review of Mission, 95(369), 279-296. Weber, H. R. (1982). Interpreting Biblical Images. Ecumenical Review, 34, JI, 210-220. Weinandy, T. G. (1995). The Father’s spirit of sonship: Reconceiving the Trinity. Edinburgh, Scotland: T and T Clark.

Chapter 19

A SILENCED WOMAN’S EXPERIENCE WITH PRAYER ABSTRACT Human health has been divided into four aspects, including the physical, psychological, social and spiritual. Among these, spirituality embraces some mystical elements which are beyond the frame of scientific and objective proof. Can spirituality even be explained from within a particular paradigm or school of knowledge? As we know, the long historical and socio-political basis required for understanding and practicing spirituality is hardly addressed by any canonical explanation. Spirituality transforms depending upon individual cognitive and behavioral manifestations, religious doctrine and ritual, and -- the largest force – the mainstream of theological claims and the domination of a particular socio-political force in a specific cultural background. Because of the diverse and abstract nature of spirituality, there are many worthy topics for discussion. I would like to focus on the meaning and usage of prayer in relation to Christian spirituality as the central premise of this paper.

INTRODUCTION Praying to God is the pivotal means of communicating and building communion with God, as mentioned in the Bible and practiced by Christians daily – whether alone or in church. I would like to start this paper with three Psalms that illustrate prayer as a person-to-person encounter between God and us.

Psalm 5 Give ear to my words, O LORD, consider my sighing. Listen to my cry for help, My King and my God, for to you I pray. (Psalms 5:1-2, International Bible Society, 2005, p.883) Psalm 61 Hear my cry, O God;

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BACKGROUND The majority of my classmates in this program (Master of Arts, Christian Studies) were already Christians before enrolling in this course. My primary motives for taking this course are to learn what Christianity is, to study the word of God and read stories of Jesus Christ, to explore the contents of the Bible and its possible analysis and, most importantly, to make the acquaintance of more Christians and learn how they respond to God’s love and grace. As I am now a second year student, I have learned more about what Christianity is, and I now pray more regularly. Through praying, I have come to know myself better; I experience more peace than when I don’t pray; I connect with God in a very subtle but vivid manner; and, significantly, my family members have started praying with me as well.

OUTLINE OF THIS PAPER The first part of this paper will describe my experience with prayer through its beginning and process. In the second part, I will look at some literature about Christian spirituality and prayer and apply it to my personal experience. Finally, I will give a conclusion. I place the beginning of my experience with prayer between September and December 2006. The “process” phase refers to the time from January until the time of writing this paper. The “outcome” refers to my experiences with and lessons from praying, grouped into several themes: opening my heart to God, welcoming God’s participation in my life, and unifying my family members to praise God.

BEGINNING TO PRAY Before September 2006, when I did not read the Bible, go to church or pray regularly, I knew very little about Christianity and the reasons for and methods of praying. Only when I began the Master of Arts in Christian Studies did I start going to church and praying, and then I experienced the therapeutic effects of prayer.

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I recall my first powerful experience with prayer, at a worship service celebrating the new academic year in the first week of September 2006, organized by the Divinity School of The Chinese University of Hong Kong. At that service, I observed how the professors, guests and my classmates behaved, as well as my own reactions. To sum up, everyone seemed almost totally immersed and natural, in terms of listening to the biblical teachings and praising God. As for myself, I felt a little bit uneasy as I did not belong to this Christian community, but I tried to experience their joy and commitment to what they believed about God’s words and grace, and I even participated in singing wholeheartedly. This experience of praying with hundreds of Christians made me curious about the overt behavioral aspect of prayer that allows it to have such deep meaning for them. This experience planted the seed for future praying attempts in me. I had some questions: what is praying? How does one pray? What will be gained by praying? One thing was quite certain at that stage: I considered praying would not cause any harm nor require any large investment of time or resources. So, why not start praying to explore on a personal level its possible meanings and experiences? I started praying every night before going to sleep. I remember that I prayed wordlessly; I just closed my eyes with my hands folded together, sitting upward in the bed by myself. My family members -including my husband, who is not a Christian, and my 12-year-old son, whose primary school has a Christian identity -- did not participate in my praying attempts nor did they pray on their own. Praying led to three novel experiences for me. Firstly, I had more private time to reflect on my daily thoughts and acts, whether they were good or bad, correct or wrong, ethical or unethical. Secondly, I felt there was a fair, objective, but also personal God who knows me well and looks after me in all daily circumstances, and is concerned with my happiness, difficulties, loneliness, powerlessness and helplessness. Finally, I knew these feelings were not self-constructed; rather, there was an unexplainable and invisible force entering my life without any cost. As a whole, the first four months of night praying were pivotal: they gave me a key for exploring my spirituality, which I had neglected in the past. I experienced the need to know the state of my spirituality and to rethink the meaning of life -- in particular God’s relationship with me and my family.

THE PROCESS OF PRAYER In order to analyze and understand the significance of prayer for the purposes of this paper, I addressed myself to two important questions: what changes did I experience through prayer? And, what roles does God play in my life? I discovered four phases of change that I experienced through prayer, and identified five roles acted by God in my life, which I will now share. Through the practice of prayer, I moved from feeling this was an unnatural act, to being able to open my inner self to God, to feeling a connection between God and me, to realizing a significant difference in my daily life.

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Prayer Can Be Either Unnatural or Natural Praying can be performed naturally or unnaturally, depending on whether the petitioner believes in prayer. As a new practitioner, I had very little knowledge and experience, and I could not totally immerse myself in praying. When I prayed, it was artificial, as if I was just completing a task or performing a ritual without any in-depth reflection or emotional bonding with God. I tried to pray because, after studying biblical texts in this course, I had come to believe that God truly exists. The professors and my classmates in divinity school showed me something I had not found in other communities: they were much more content and peaceful than non-Christians. I wanted to feel this way too and get closer to God, but at that early stage, praying was merely a superficial ritual. Time made a difference. The more I prayed, the more I experienced praying as natural, just like breathing. Praying went from being unnecessary to essential.

Prayer Is a Starting Point for Opening the Inner Self to God As a newcomer to Christianity, I did not know what channels could lead me to God. I thought praying was convenient and easier to do than, for example, going to church. Once praying became natural to me, it served as a starting point both to get closer to God and to listen to my inner voice, telling me who I am, what I do, how I feel and what I want. Then, I would beg God to listen to my stories. The more stories I told in prayer, the more I felt God listened to me. By opening my inner self in this way, I felt that God loved to listen to me, patiently and in without judgment. God also showed His empathy when I prayed. How did I know this? I can only honestly share my feeling that praying is not me talking to myself; it is a dialogue with God. He says, “Tell me your stories, whether about joy, pain, suffering, wishes – anything. I love to hear and offer help.” The more I heard God’s encouragement and felt His unconditional acceptance, the more I was able to reveal my untold stories and experiences, feeling fully confident in His trustworthiness and ability to keep secrets. I felt my inner self was recharged and I experienced a stronger sense of power and passion than before I prayed. With these positive praying experiences, I was able to fulfill my need for peace and silence, which had been devalued until then. In the past, I strove for success and worked extremely hard for other people. I ignored my need for rest and leisure. However, once my inner self was heard and heeded, I start to make personal time for myself, for reading, exercise and experiencing God’s works in nature, like the beautiful blue sky, elegant trees and refreshing wind.

Praying Builds a Connection between God and Humans Human communications, both verbal and non-verbal, require sender and receiver to use an effective channel for exchanging information, thoughts, feelings and experiences. However, either sender or receiver can withdraw from the process of communication at any time for any reason. In prayer, the biblical text indicates that if we pray, God will listen. There is no absolute guarantee that we will be totally listened to and accepted in human

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communication or relationships. In contrast, when we pray God listens to us, hearing what is in our hearts and seeing everywhere. God is the only listener who is always ready to hear our prayers. Prayer opens a channel for us to reach God. Both the Old and New Testaments mention many people whom God loves, such as Moses, David, Paul and John: they prayed, and God listened. God has the right to decide and respond as He likes and takes care of all matters on the earth, but He respects people’s free will and right to act. Prayer shows that God is not only an autocrat, but also that He gives us the chance to share our thoughts and stories in a childlike manner – just by telling Him honestly. Relationships require time and both parties’ participation in nurturing mutual emotional bonding and enhancing mutual understanding. An ongoing process of building trust and sharing is necessary. Prayer, however, is the best means for me to know God and for God to accept me. Eventually, we come to regard our encounter as worthy and positive – a win-win situation, where God and I treat each other as close friends. This is our distinctive relationship; I believe each individual will have his/her own unique relationship and specific experience with God. As a whole, prayer lets us build a connection with God, and God shows His command and wisdom to us. Now, God is my best friend who is loyal and trustworthy.

Praying Becomes the Most Significant Daily Spiritual Practice In contemporary society, we have become accustomed to our busy lives, with our heavy workloads and many activities. It seems that we have to keep improving in all areas, advancing our academic qualifications, getting job promotions and earning social recognition for our accomplishments. Our lives are tightly scheduled with various tasks and responsibilities. We seldom have enough time and silence to listen to our spiritual voices and respond to our spiritual needs. In the rush of daily life, how can we slow down and address our innermost hunger and reflect on the meaning of our lives? Prayer allows us to get closer to God, and provides the time and platform for us to concentrate on our spirituality. I think through prayer our spirituality can grow in the presence of God’s providence and grace. Once our spiritual needs are addressed, we can rearrange our chaotic life in a more well-structured way. Our inner emptiness, fear and powerlessness can be replaced with God’s love in light of our spiritual awakening. I consider prayer the most useful means to become aware of and care for my spiritual well-being.

ROLES OF GOD IN PRAYER In terms of the roles God plays in my life, there are two major themes: God is a mentor and a healer. I really experience God as my everlasting mentor who teaches me the meanings of life; God as my healer who treats diseases and psychological distress; and God as my close friend who listens and supports me whenever I pray. God is the best source for me to explore, discover and meet my spiritual needs. Indeed, God becomes the King who is invisible but authentically exists in my daily life and leads my family towards peace and love.

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God Is My Mentor We easily become over-proud when we achieve success and receive compliments from other people. It is very dangerous for us to overestimate our abilities and strengths. We can attract other people’s negativity – like jealousy and resentment -- or become too self-centered and selfish. God knows this weakness and acts as our mentor in prayer. He leads us to the right way of interpreting who we are and what we have to do. God as a mentor is different from human mentors, because God knows the best way for us and is pure enough to deliver His words directly and without any reservation. For example, sometimes when I feel lost and do not know how to make some crucial decision, God whispers to me softly and kindly and leads me in the right direction. I get faith from His advice, and I feel empowered under His supervision. God educates us with profound knowledge and wisdom, tailor-made to each person’s needs and circumstances. From now on, I will always have a mentor standing by me and teaching me beyond any boundaries of knowledge or academic discipline.

God Is My Healer Everyone has wounds, such as physical illnesses and psychological hurts. Out of the many possible examples, I would like to show how God can heal in the following two events: my son’s illness and my pain from a close friend’s actions. My son had a high fever of 105C in February 2007. As usual, I experienced a great sense of fear and powerlessness. My son enjoys excellent health, but once or twice a year he gets a sore throat with a high fever. I know that, compared to other parents, I am lucky to have a strong son. When my son’s fever peaked, I invite him and my husband to pray with me, sincerely and humbly, for God’s to bless and heal my son. Even though we had no formal training in prayer and no well-organized words to use, we had confidence that God would listen to us because of His nature of kindness. After suffering through a few days of high fever, my son recovered, but this illness was distinctly different from the past fever attacks. We felt more relaxed and hopeful about his recovery than without prayer. It let me to believe that God is an outstanding healer who can cure diseases beyond what medication can do. Friendship can be enjoyable and supportive, but sometimes it can be destructive and harmful. Over the past several years, one of my best friends continually hurt me as she attempted to take advantage of me. I felt so disappointed to discover her intention to gain benefits for herself by causing me psychological harm. I felt I could never forgive her and that our friendship should be cut off. However, when I prayed to God about this, He seemed to tell me to “Forgive her.” I was able to do this, and forget what she did to me, and my heart was relieved and rid of its hatred. The change in my feelings for her was based on God’s forgiveness of my sins as well. If God can be so forgiving, why can’t I? God is an effective healer for our psychological problems, like hatred stemming from pain caused by other people’s selfishness.

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DISCUSSION OF CHRISTIAN SPIRITUALITY AND PRAYER I would now like to present some scholastic arguments and perspectives on Christian spirituality and prayer, with my responses. Fabella, Lee, and Suh (1992) defined spirituality as follows: Spirituality has been described as desert experience. Or as living and walking in God’s presence with body and mind and soul in the midst of the sufferings and struggles of this world (p.19). I agree with Fabella et al.’s understanding of spirituality. When looking back over my prayer journey, I realize that when I encountered adversity, I was motivated to start praying without any outer support, such as a church setting would provide. I also found more strength to overcome negative events once I started praying. I regard prayer and spirituality as working in partnership to let us experience the deeper nature of human beings and address our hidden spiritual hunger for getting closer to God. Similarly, Downey (1997) stated that spirituality is about the depth dimension of all human existence and is a constitutive element of human nature and experience (p.14). He further argued that spirituality refers to the authentic human quest for ultimate value, or human person’s “striving to attain the highest ideal or goal. Downey (1997) suggested that Christian spirituality: … is concerned with the whole Christian life. At issue here is the fullness of life in Christ by the presence and power of the Holy Spirit, being conformed to the person of Christ and united in communion with God, others, and creation (p.90). As this stage, the functions and work of the Holy Spirit in my life are still far from my experience, but I believe God has a plan for letting me know the Holy Spirit in the near future. But one thing is certain: the Trinitarian understanding of God is the central premise of Christianity. I like the way English (1995) describes spirituality: It included our sense of identity (who we are), vocation (how we are to be and what we are to do), mission (what we are to accomplish), and celebration (how we relate to others and to the earth). It includes qualities of our being such as honor, justice, love, and faith; the way we know ourselves, others, and God; and our communion with others and God (p.275). Based on my prayer experience, I agree with the unknown author of The Cloud of Unknowing which is the Christian classics mentioned that we must pray in the height, depth, length and breadth of the spirit without many words but with one word of one syllable (Blackhouse, 1985, p.64). Prayer should not be regarded as the same as human verbal communication nor be evaluated by its fluency and tone. In fact, openness and depth of involvement are what should be appreciated in the prayer process. The following four authors describe prayer also. Sister Gertrude (1959) told that there are some instincts of prayer including a cry for help, looking for the unseen hearer, possessing a desire for union. She also believed that several conditions should be presented prior to beginning prayer which are sincere desire, faith, persistence, and calm confidence (p.24-30). Secondly, Daujat (1964) proposed that prayer is the indispendsable condition of Christian life and it must be continual. Thirdly, True prayer is relational, a sharing of love and knowledge

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between the soul and God (Dalrymple, 1985). Lastly, Brummer (1984) gives a thorough explanation of what we are doing when we pray from a philosophical perspective. He argues that praying has several benefits. For instance, it is encouraging to pray for things to happen by asking an immutable and omniscient God. Moreover, it is expected that through prayer we can establish, restore, and acknowledge a relationship with God. All of these claims are wellarticulated and justify the positive effects of prayer in our daily life. Considering and doing prayer mechanically or with a ready-made menu should be examined. For example, Galache (1997) introduced forty-three exercises of prayer that allow us to learn prayer in a comprehensive manner. However, I believe that we have to read his protocol of prayer skeptically, because prayer should not be practiced without commitment and a vivid sense of the God-human connection. The fact is that the Bible does not emphasize the importance of methods and skills of praying. In fact, God listens to and talk to us of His own account, as He possesses the exclusive rights to when, where, and to whom He will speak. God sees our hearts rather than our artificial or superficial acts. I agree that once prayer is regarded as a set of skills and methods or even a commodity, then the nature and merits of prayer will be devalued or even altered into a non-holy performance.

CONCLUSION I have shared my personal experience with prayer and discussed some literature on Christian spirituality and prayer. Prayer is a therapeutic means for self-discovery, communicating with God, building Christian faith, and cultivating our spiritual growth. Prayer is a subjective experience, different for each individual, but for all Christians its ultimate goals are union with God and coming to know our own spiritual aspect. I would like to end this paper with these words of Colleen Townsend Evans (cited in Hobe, 1982): There are so many ways and so many times to pray, because praying doesn’t mean that we interrupt life. It’s part of life. In fact, prayer keeps us going in the midst of our daily struggles, our ups and downs. Jesus knew that-for he couldn’t live without this direct, personal contact with his Father. And neither can we.

REFERENCES Blackhouse, H. ed. (1985). The Cloud of Unknowing: A new paraphrase. London: Hodder and Stoughton. Brummer, V. (1984). What are we doing when we pray?: A philosophical inquiry. London: SCM Press Ltd. Dalrymple, J. (1985). Simple prayer. London: Darton Longman and Todd Ltd. Daujat, J. (1964). Prayer. London: Hawthorn Books Inc. Downey, M. (1997). Understanding Christian Spirituality. New Jersey, USA: Paulist Press. English, J. (1995). Spiritual freedom: From an experience of the Ignatian exercises to the art of spiritual guidance. (2nd ed.). Chicago, USA: Loyola University Press.

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Fabella, V., Lee, P. K. H., and Suh, K. S. D. (1992). Asian Christian Spirituality: Reclaiming Traditions. Maryknoll, New York: Orbis Books. Galache, G. (1997). Praying body and soul: Methods and practices of Anthony de Mello. New York: The Crossroad Publishing Company. Hobe, P. (1982). The Wonder of Prayer. Philadelphia: Bridgebooks, The Westminster Press. International Bible Society (2005). Holy Bible Chinese/English - New International Version 2nd ed. Hong Kong: Chinese Bible International Limited. Sister Gertrude (1959). Christian Prayer. London: Lutterworth Press.

Chapter 20

A SILENCED WOMAN’S SON ABSTRACT Current understanding of child development as specific to individuals rather than based on professional interpretation has made it possible to reconsider the applicability of the western notion of child development to Asian countries like Hong Kong. With reference to the author’s own experience with her son, this article demonstrates the danger for health-care professionals to take for granted their understanding of child development. This paper closes by suggesting that health-care professionals should read the scientific medical texts skeptically and by advocating the need to reflect on our understanding towards child development.

BACKGROUND This paper is a history of my interaction with my son from his birth till he was 5 years old. I was a registered nurse before he was born. After that, I gave up my hospital work and became a housewife to take care of him. When he was five years old, I started my doctorate study in social work. Currently, I am a feminist (e.g., Chan, 2002, 2003). However, my invaluable child rearing experience has not been forgotten or should never be forgotten. This unique experience enhances my thinking process, stimulates my conceptualization of the illnesses and experience of my patients and more importantly, it allows me to hold a notknowing position for the human contextual experience. This paper serves several objectives: (1) I will ask how well we can understand closer to children’s stories while my own son behaved many times in the following incidents that were entirely out of my expectation; (2) although the experience with my son is an individual case, I would like to share this experience with the readers who should also be aware of falling into the trap of presuming that they have already known other children’s conditions and experience adequately; (3) it is true that holding the not-knowing position is not an easy task for health-care providers, but this position can lead us to evaluate our clinical practice critically and to effectively provide the appropriate care according to the specific needs and individual experience of the children. From the past five years of daily contact with my son whom I had been a key caregiver of, I learned several novelties: (1) the uniqueness of my son’s physical development; (2) the

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memory of my son is out of the normality; (3) my son's deviant behavior like self-destruction and lack of discipline in class is only a veil; and (4) the differences between the value system of my son and myself.

The Uniqueness of My Son’s Physical Development I am not going to tell an enigma or to present my son as a super baby but I would like to present the fact of my experience. My son could turn his body in the third week after his birth. He could stand with his hands holding a rail bar or a wooden cabinet for twenty minutes or more when he was four months old. On the contrary, he could not speak Ba Ba or Ma Ma even after reaching age two and a half. My neighbors and relatives blamed me that he could not speak. They scolded me for not being a good mother in teaching him how to speak. They seldom blamed my husband because he had to work and I was the key care-provider of my son. In the Chinese culture, the health of children relies heavily on the care of their mothers. I felt extremely under pressure and even though sometimes I knew that there were differences in every child’s development, I could not free myself from the cultural expectation towards a responsible mother. When my son became two years and nine months old, he could finally speak and a few weeks later, he could even ask complex questions like "Mummy, shall we go to Wellcome or Parkin’ shop together?" (Wellcome and Parkin’ shop are local supermarkets.) When he was three years old, I sent him to a choir. When the musician assessed his suitability for enrollment, the musician gave my son 13 out of 15 marks regarding his singing ability. In addition, my son usually got high grades in music when he studied in the kindergarten and even in the primary one now. This is entirely out of my expectation and is really ironic that since his birth I had been waiting for him to speak the first word until he was two and a half year old, now he can sing extraordinarily well.

The Memory of My Son Is out of the Normality When my son was thirteen months old, my husband and I took him to Thailand for travel. When my son was two years and seven months old, we took him to Japan for a week, visiting the Tokyo Disneyland. When he was four or five years old, I tidied up the photo albums in one occasion and he pointed to the photos and told me that he could remember those places. For example, he said that the pictures were taken in Thailand, and he even remembered that he had played with a British baby on the beach. He also said that he remembered what he had seen in Tokyo Disneyland, such as Hercules, Mickey Mouse and the people selling colorful balloons. Through these incidents, I was deeply impressed and learned that children do have a good memory and that we, the adults, should not underestimate this point.

My Son's Deviant Behavior Is Only a Veil I had quarreled with my husband several times within a couple of months when my boy was around two years old. In that period, my son developed a self-destructive behavior. For

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instance, he would hit his head forcefully with his hands or would bite his fingernails to bleed. The louder and the more rude words my husband and I used against each other, the harder my boy would hurt himself by hitting his head. After our serious quarrels, my son would always bite his fingernails. This self-destructive behavior of my son served the function of diverting the attention of my husband and myself from further quarrels. After that, we became very busy stopping my son’s self-destructive behavior, and my son had become the scapegoat of our marital conflict. The more I understand the systems theory, the deeper I can understand my son’s selfhurting acts that arose from the discontentment between me and my husband. No matter how I punished my son for his self-hurting behavior, it was useless and he could not stop himself from doing so. My husband and I therefore improved our relationship. Even on occasional quarrels, we were alert that my son should be kept away from listening or seeing adults' business. A few months later, my son’s destructive behavior disappeared without imposing on him any behavioral modification or psychological consultation.

The Difference of Value Systems between My Son and Myself When my son was six years old, he was asked to complete a Chinese comprehension exercise which required him to fill in the blanks with words of good wishes to different people such as parents, relatives, children and teachers during the Chinese Lunar Year. He asked me what greeting words should be given to the teachers. I told him that he might wish teachers great improvement in the coming year. He showed a strong sense of disagreement and replied firmly that he would not write such kinds of greetings. I asked him why. He said that the teachers already had the authority to punish students and more importantly he thought that the career of being a "teacher" was the most superior occupation in his own frame of reference. Therefore, the teachers were not required to improve themselves any more because they were in the highest position, and it was entirely wrong to send those wishes to the one who were already in the best position. Judging from these short conversations with him, I attempted to reflect on a concept repeatedly that sometimes the thinking of the majority may not be able to be applied to every person.

DISCUSSION Even though there must have been some memory loss and personal bias, my experience can shed light on the importance of deconstructing the taking-for-granted attitude on one hand and of appreciating the multi-realities on the other (Atkinson, 1995; Bryman, 1988; Debats and Drost, 1995). A flaw in a single case may really be difficult to represent the majority of children as a target of population for explanation (Bernard, 2000; Hammersley, 1993; Janesick, 1994; Lincoln and Guba, 1985). However, my son is also one of the ordinary children out of the many. Generalizability is not the key purpose of this paper, somehow the authenticity and thick description are considered as the most significant discussion in order to appreciate the multi-faces of human beings (Ribbens and Edwards, 1998).

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A humble attitude towards knowledge especially from health-care professionals is a key to success. Since human issues are highly complex, merely relying on the biopsychosocial model is definitely inadequate. From the above discussion, health-care providers should step back with a strong urge to hold a not-knowing position and attitude towards children’s situations and experience. The hegemony of health-care providers, that is the lack of a genuine concern with the unique life stories of the patients, is quite harmful and inadequate to deliver a holistic and appropriate child care service. Health-care providers often think that they have already fully understood what children think because health-care providers often take it for granted that children think in the way as we think they would. In reality, our ignorance has betrayed ourselves on how much children can actually understand the world or on refraining from thinking in a way closer to the children’s inner world. How to bridge the gap between the value systems of adults and children is a great challenge to health-care professionals. Indeed, many misinterpretations of health care-providers may have already exploited the right of the children to claim a high quality child health-care service. Furthermore, any strict categorization of human beings across life spans is dangerous and is lacking on a critical appraisal of the complexity of child development (Merquior, 1991; Moss, 1998). From the scenario presented in this paper, debunking the deeply embedded health-care knowledge, and to think before conducting assessment and providing treatment to the children is the first step for child-care professionals. What we think the best for the children may be right sometimes, but the lack of a skeptical reexamination on how much truth and understanding we have actually acquired about a particular child before making a clinical judgment is possibly a big tragedy to the child (Ife, 1997; McNay, 1994). Health-care professionals should step back with a humble attitude and ask ourselves whether we really know about child development. Having this uncertainty only, we are able to have a closer understanding towards the needs of children (Chambon et al., 1999). Furthermore, health-care professionals should focus on the individual needs of patients by taking a case-by-case approach rather than merely using our dominant medical knowledge, past clinical experience and routine practice. In a word, delivering health-care service blindly and mechanically will make us unable to provide a child with developmental sensitive care as well as to treat them in a human manner.

REFERENCES Atkinson, P. (1995). Some perils of paradigms. Qualitative Health Research, 5(1), 117-124. Bernard, H. R. (2000). Social research method: Qualitative and quantitative approaches. California: Sage Publications. Bryman, A. (1988). Quantity and quality in social research. London: Routledge. Chambon, A. S., Irving, A., and Epstein, L. (1999). Reading Foucault for social work. New York: Columbia University Press. Chan, C. Y. Z. (2002). From cooking soup to writing papers: A journey through gender, society and self. The Journal of International Women’s Studies, 4(1), 93-106. http://www.bridgew.edu/DEPTS/ARTSCNCE/JIWS/fall02/index.htm

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Debats, D. L. and Drost, J. (1995). Experiences of meaning in life: A combined qualitative and quantitative approach. British Journal of Psychology, 86(3), 359-375. Hammersley, M. (1993). Social research: Philosophy, politics and practice. London: Sage Publications. Ife, J. (1997). Rethinking social work: Towards critical practice. Australia: Longman. Janesick, V. J. (1994). The dance of qualitative research design: Handbook of qualitative research. Thousand Oaks: Sage. Lincoln, Y. S. and Guba, E. G. (1985). Naturalistic inquiry. California: Sage Publications. McNay, L. (1994). Foucault: A critical introduction. Cambridge: Polity Press. Merquior, J. G. (1991). Foucault. London: Fontana Press. Moss, J. (1998). The later Foucault. London: Sage Publications. Ribbens, J. and Edwards, R. (1998). Feminist dilemmas in qualitative research: Public knowledge and private lives. London: Sage Publications.

INDEX A academic, 32, 35, 88, 92, 128, 141, 143, 144 academics, 45, 131 access, 4 accountability, 66 achievement, 40, 66 acute, 97, 110, 111 acute leukemia, 97 acute renal failure, 110, 111 addiction, 95, 96, 103 adjustment, 57 administration, 40 administrative, 56 adolescence, 70, 79, 84, 85 adolescents, 58, 62, 78, 80, 84 adult, 4, 37, 93, 110 adult education, 93 adultery, 53 adulthood, vii, 70, 85 adults, 20, 58, 62, 78, 150, 151, 152 advertisements, 31 Africa, 97 afternoon, 99, 100, 107, 113, 123 age, 9, 28, 56, 58, 69, 95, 103, 107, 109, 119, 121, 150 agriculture, 11 AIDS, 97 air, 38, 41, 107 aircraft, 5 alien, 53 allergic, 111 allergic reaction, 111 alternative, 7, 30, 68, 93 alternatives, 64 altruism, 85 ambiguity, 55, 63 ambivalent, 124

anger, 19, 70, 91, 97, 104 animals, 12, 53, 70, 71, 74, 103, 123 anthropology, 71 antidepressants, 130 anxiety, 41, 70, 79 application, 10, 19, 34 artificial, 13, 32, 90, 91, 142, 146 artistic, 11 Asian, 20, 21, 138, 147, 149 Asian countries, 149 assessment, 55, 152 assumptions, 23, 50, 55, 65 atmosphere, 13, 81, 82, 114, 119 attachment, 65, 73, 78, 82, 96 attacks, 144 attention, 14, 16, 32, 37, 45, 62, 70, 71, 78, 80, 90, 100, 110, 116, 119, 151 attitudes, 21, 34, 49, 50, 70 attractiveness, 78, 80, 84 authenticity, 85, 151 authority, 30, 31, 39, 40, 47, 49, 151 autonomous, 13, 63, 99 autonomy, 37, 61, 115 availability, 64, 72 avoidance, 67 avoidance behavior, 67 awareness, 13, 14, 15, 23, 31, 64

B babies, 110 basic needs, 39, 49 beating, 120 behavior, 6, 9, 11, 13, 17, 18, 30, 32, 35, 46, 49, 50, 52, 61, 62, 64, 115, 116, 117, 133, 134, 150, 151 behavioral manifestations, 139 behavioral modification, 151 beliefs, 18, 21, 25, 30, 32, 33, 41, 50, 55, 71, 72 bell, 116, 120

Index

156

benchmark, 47 benefits, 24, 30, 32, 33, 51, 55, 61, 65, 78, 87, 144, 146 benevolence, 12, 18 bias, 151 Bible, 18, 19, 41, 43, 46, 51, 56, 84, 132, 139, 140, 146, 147 bioethics, 21 biological, 19, 76 biopsychosocial model, 152 birds, 103, 115, 123 birth, 39, 133, 149, 150 black, 95, 103, 128 blasphemy, 82 bleeding, 116 blind spot, 73 blood, 4, 17, 31, 33, 39, 40, 51, 71, 97, 101, 116, 125 blood flow, 125 blood pressure, 101 bonding, 78, 79, 142, 143 bonds, 11, 73 boredom, 63 bottom-up, 67 boys, 109, 133 breakdown, 114 breathing, 97, 142 brick, 113 bronchitis, 110 brothers, 20, 31, 103, 109 Buddhism, 11 burn, 41 burning, 129 business, 34, 107, 120, 151 bypass, 31

C cancer, 21, 41 capacity, 78, 83 cardiac arrest, 129 career development, 1, 20, 61 career success, 113 caregiver, 21, 35, 78, 149 case study, 56, 88 castration, 7 categorization, 152 category a, 50 Catholic, 24 cattle, 51 CEO, 48 cerebrum, 101 channels, 129, 142 chaos, 12, 74 chaotic, 89, 143

child development, 149, 152 child rearing, 149 childhood, vii, 1, 70 children, 18, 36, 39, 52, 57, 58, 73, 75, 97, 99, 100, 107, 115, 119, 127, 133, 149, 150, 151, 152 China, 10, 11, 21, 25, 29, 57 Chinese, vii, 1, 9, 10, 11, 12, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 43, 51, 55, 56, 58, 84, 87, 88, 92, 136, 137, 141, 147, 150, 151 chocolate, 120 Christianity, 9, 10, 11, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 35, 37, 41, 69, 74, 131, 132, 137, 140, 142, 145 Christians, vii, 1, 16, 17, 18, 21, 23, 24, 26, 27, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 37, 41, 42, 45, 46, 49, 57, 59, 74, 76, 80, 135, 139, 140, 141, 142, 146 chronic, 129 cigarette smoke, 5 citizens, 17 civil rights, 3 classes, 41 classical, 6, 7 classification, 6 classified, 6, 34, 39 clay, 107 cleaning, 107, 116 clinical, 15, 20, 149, 152 clinical judgment, 152 close relationships, 36 clothing, 25, 28, 39, 116 coding, 7 coercion, 31 co-existence, 10 coffee, 99 cognitive, 11, 76, 139 cognitive level, 11 cognitive process, 76 cohesion, 24, 58, 62, 64, 66, 71 colds, 116 colors, 77 commerce, 34 commercial, 65 commodity, 146 communication, 13, 27, 29, 32, 34, 36, 45, 48, 49, 55, 56, 58, 63, 66, 67, 79, 115, 133, 136, 142, 145 communication processes, 67 communication skills, 34, 36, 45, 49 communities, 11, 17, 21, 23, 26, 31, 32, 46, 71, 74, 142 community, 12, 16, 24, 30, 32, 35, 38, 39, 41, 42, 48, 50, 55, 56, 67, 76, 83, 119, 135, 141 companionate love, 79

Index compassion, 75 compatibility, 34 competence, 31 competition, 13, 32, 34, 48, 65, 74 complementarity, 78, 85 complexity, 76, 135, 152 compliance, 61 complications, 85 components, 49 composition, 57 comprehension, 81, 151 computer, 71, 110 computer science, 110 conception, 15, 18 conceptualization, 25, 26, 149 concrete, 57, 61, 64, 66, 92 confession, 15, 42 confidence, 48, 51, 63, 79, 144, 145 confidentiality, 56 conflict, 17, 24, 31, 33, 55, 56, 58, 67, 134 conflict avoidance, 31, 58 confrontation, 32 Confucian, 11, 12, 20, 29 Confucianism, 9, 10, 11, 12, 16, 18, 20 Confucius, 12, 21 consciousness, 7, 79 consensus, 15, 23, 34, 38, 56, 66, 70, 71 consent, 56 constipation, 19 construction, 93 consulting, 127 continuing, 15 continuity, 76 contracts, 33 control, 29, 31, 34, 50, 61, 72, 74, 77, 81, 92, 96, 125, 134 controlled, 108 conviction, 71 cooking, 109, 115, 152 correlation, 80 cost-effective, 47 costs, 19, 33, 77 cotton, 115 counseling, 15, 20, 36, 41, 57 couples, 13, 27, 36, 73, 78 covering, 13 creativity, 15, 16, 30, 114 credibility, 40 crime, 26 crimes, 48 critical period, 67 critically ill, 57 criticism, 25, 64, 117

157

cross-cultural, 21, 80, 84 crystal, 103 cues, 24, 31 cultivation, 12 cultural, 3, 7, 12, 15, 18, 23, 25, 27, 29, 31, 37, 55, 58, 69, 70, 72, 87, 90, 93, 133, 139, 150 cultural beliefs, 27, 31 cultural factors, 31, 37, 55, 72 cultural heritage, 29, 31 cultural influence, 30 cultural practices, 12 culture, 11, 13, 17, 18, 20, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 30, 32, 33, 35, 43, 46, 50, 52, 60, 66, 68, 69, 77, 92, 132, 150 curriculum, 10, 21 customers, 100 cycling, 96, 109

D danger, 3, 149 dating, 78, 84, 96, 99, 128 death, 11, 19, 26, 37, 47, 81, 97, 101, 114, 116, 119, 129 decentralized, 63 decision making, 45, 47, 48, 58 decisions, 10, 17, 30, 32, 47, 49, 58, 63, 64, 72, 133 deductive reasoning, 11 defensiveness, 65 degree, 5, 10, 18, 28, 30, 32, 33, 50, 56, 57, 61, 75, 77, 82, 97, 113, 129 demand, 13, 17, 89 denial, 19 depressed, 129 depression, 12, 19, 21, 41, 106, 129 desert, 145 desire, 4, 13, 14, 25, 26, 32, 35, 73, 75, 76, 78, 80, 81, 82, 84, 88, 90, 92, 104, 108, 111, 113, 114, 120, 124, 145 desires, 3, 17, 30, 75, 78, 123 destruction, 5, 35 devaluation, 35 diagnostic, 45, 48 diamond, 107 dichotomy, 1 dietary, 25 dietary habits, 25 differentiation, 60, 64, 79 dignity, 18, 104 disability, 19 disabled, 33 disappointment, 70, 79, 97, 104 disaster, 111 discipline, 144, 150

Index

158 disclosure, 27, 73, 88 discourse, 7, 12, 88 diseases, 19, 143, 144 disorder, 23 disposition, 12 dissatisfaction, 59 distress, 41, 58 diversity, 25, 35, 57 division, 90 divorce, 99, 110 doctors, 14, 30, 101, 110 dominance, 34 donkey, 53 donor, 110 dream, 3, 35, 90, 91, 107, 108, 114, 116 dreaming, 113 drugs, 106, 111 dry, 88 dry eyes, 88 duration, 33, 49, 72

E ears, 36 earth, 45, 51, 52, 53, 131, 140, 143, 145 ecological, 76 economic, 7, 9, 25, 37, 57, 67 economic development, 9 economic growth, 57 economics, 18, 25 education, 1, 9, 20, 21, 24, 30, 36, 72, 93, 100, 109, 115 efficacy, 88 Egypt, 37, 38, 39, 48, 50, 51, 52 Egyptian, 38, 39 elderly, 26, 58 elders, 40 electrocardiogram, 101 emotion, 88, 123, 136 emotional, 10, 12, 17, 20, 33, 61, 64, 80, 92, 97, 114, 128, 142, 143 emotional health, 20 emotional stability, 12, 128 emotions, 11, 18, 40, 72, 76, 77 empathy, 142 employees, 48, 50, 51, 64, 104 employment, 32 empowered, 52, 92, 144 empowerment, 134 encouragement, 28, 55, 60, 142 energy, 74, 95, 116, 123, 129 English, 4, 43, 51, 84, 145, 146, 147 enrollment, 150 environment, 13, 27, 41, 42, 49, 70, 128, 129

environmental, 59, 69 environmental issues, 59 equality, 28, 67, 77, 134, 136 equity, 33, 84 eros, 78, 83 ethical, 9, 11, 12, 17, 18, 23, 25, 26, 29, 46, 141 ethical standards, 11, 29 ethics, 9, 11, 12, 16, 17, 18, 20, 21, 23, 34, 74, 84, 85 ethnicity, 77 European, 77 evening, 103, 120 evidence, 21 evil, 69 evolution, 78 evolutionary, 25, 83 excitement, 3, 111, 123, 128 execution, 15 exercise, 15, 34, 40, 52, 142, 151 expert, 60, 61 expertise, 61 experts, 14 exposure, 5, 28 external environment, 134 extrinsic, 55 eye, 95, 97, 99, 115 eye contact, 97 eyes, 41, 60, 92, 95, 101, 105, 113, 115, 116, 119, 120, 123, 125, 129, 141

F facial expression, 28 facilitators, 55 failure, 19, 51, 92 fairness, 12, 32, 33 faith, 17, 19, 21, 26, 45, 48, 49, 50, 68, 70, 74, 75, 131, 134, 135, 137, 144, 145, 146 false, 53 familial, vii, 2, 16, 17, 25, 131, 132, 133, 134, 136 family, 1, 9, 11, 12, 16, 17, 18, 21, 24, 29, 30, 31, 33, 35, 37, 39, 55, 59, 70, 71, 73, 76, 82, 88, 89, 90, 92, 95, 96, 97, 99, 103, 104, 105, 107, 108, 109, 111, 113, 114, 115, 116, 119, 121, 127, 128, 129, 131, 132, 133, 134, 135, 136, 137, 138, 140, 141, 143 family life, 114, 119 family members, 9, 11, 35, 70, 111, 133, 140, 141 family relationships, 12, 39 family structure, 29 family studies, 71, 131 family system, 135 family therapy, 137, 138 family violence, 71 farm, 115, 116

Index farmers, 115 farming, 11 fast food, 109, 127 fatherhood, 134 fatigue, 41 faults, 17, 38 fear, 51, 53, 70, 73, 81, 88, 136, 143, 144 fears, 90 fee, 127 feedback, 28, 42, 49, 63, 64, 67, 72, 73 feelings, 12, 13, 19, 28, 30, 32, 35, 41, 63, 70, 71, 72, 73, 74, 77, 79, 80, 81, 87, 90, 92, 96, 104, 105, 108, 114, 115, 119, 121, 124, 127, 141, 142, 144 feet, 95, 123, 125 feminism, 3, 7 feminist, 4, 6, 7, 93, 135, 138, 149 fever, 97, 144 fidelity, 16, 75 filial piety, 12, 18 film, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7 financial difficulty, 105 fish, 123, 124, 125 fishing, 119, 123 flexibility, 34, 35, 64 focus group, 15, 21 focus groups, 21 focusing, 14, 68 food, 23, 37, 38, 39, 41, 113 forgetting, 96 forgiveness, 14, 15, 19, 77, 81, 82, 83, 136, 144 fragmentation, 20, 25 free choice, 74 free will, 76, 81, 82, 143 freedom, 13, 14, 15, 19, 28, 31, 76, 79, 80, 81, 82, 83, 90, 95, 99, 146 friendship, 58, 78, 144 frustration, 59 fuel, 73, 119 fulfillment, 9, 24, 25, 26, 38, 39, 40, 49, 75, 80

G gambling, 103 gender, vii, 2, 3, 7, 69, 71, 72, 80, 87, 88, 93, 133, 137, 152 gender role, 2, 87, 88 general education, 26 generation, 29, 31, 51, 52, 133 genre, 4 geography, 25, 87 ghost, 6 gift, 76, 83, 107, 121, 135 gifted, 105

159

gifts, 40, 41, 58 girls, 133 globalization, 11 goal attainment, 46 goals, 24, 28, 46, 50, 55, 60, 62, 63, 64, 65, 66, 70, 128, 146 God, vii, 1, 9, 10, 12, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 24, 25, 26, 31, 37, 38, 39, 40, 41, 42, 43, 45, 46, 47, 48, 49, 50, 51, 52, 53, 55, 56, 58, 59, 68, 69, 70, 71, 72, 73, 74, 75, 76, 77, 79, 80, 81, 82, 83, 84, 85, 89, 96, 101, 116, 121, 131, 132, 133, 134, 135, 136, 137, 138, 139, 140, 141, 142, 143, 144, 145, 146 going to school, 107 gossip, 120 governance, 42 government, 99, 110 grades, 129, 150 grandparents, 73 grief, 85 group activities, 65 group processes, 49 groups, 26, 42, 56, 57, 62, 65, 72 growth, 26, 37, 42, 43, 56, 57, 64, 66, 67, 68, 69, 146 guidance, 37, 41, 146 guidelines, 18, 28, 29, 35, 46, 61 guilt, 16, 104 guilty, 26, 90, 124

H hallucinations, 120 handicapped, 26 handling, 23, 67 hands, 101, 116, 130, 141, 150, 151 happiness, 70, 81, 96, 141 harm, 15, 17, 32, 33, 48, 55, 82, 123, 141, 144 harmful, 34, 80, 144, 152 harmony, 15, 48, 55, 123 hate, 52, 75, 85 head, 24, 40, 96, 101, 109, 114, 125, 151 head injury, 101 headache, 41, 96, 113, 125 healing, 15, 20, 92 health, 13, 14, 16, 19, 20, 21, 57, 88, 139, 144, 149, 150, 152 health care, 14, 152 health care professionals, 14 hearing, 128, 143 heart, 11, 24, 40, 52, 68, 74, 75, 80, 81, 82, 84, 85, 91, 95, 96, 97, 101, 111, 116, 119, 120, 125, 128, 129, 137, 140, 144 heart rate, 101 Hebrew, 37, 38, 39

Index

160

hegemony, 152 height, 95, 145 helplessness, 110, 141 hierarchy of needs, 38 high blood pressure, 19 high school, 109, 128 higher education, 1 hip, 27, 33, 70 hiring, 31 holistic, 45, 56, 68, 73, 152 homeostasis, 133, 136 homes, 119 homework, 127, 128 honesty, 28, 66 Hong Kong, 15, 21, 29, 43, 51, 56, 57, 84, 88, 141, 147, 149 hopelessness, 19, 96, 106, 110 horizon, 62 horse, 107 hospital, 101, 111, 149 hospitalization, 97, 110 hospitalized, 57 hostility, 79 human, 1, 10, 11, 12, 14, 15, 16, 18, 20, 23, 24, 25, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 36, 37, 38, 39, 41, 47, 48, 49, 52, 55, 70, 71, 72, 73, 74, 75, 76, 77, 79, 80, 81, 82, 83, 84, 85, 88, 111, 114, 115, 119, 123, 124, 125, 133, 134, 135, 136, 142, 144, 145, 146, 149, 151, 152 human behavior, 48, 49, 52 human development, 70 human experience, 11 human interactions, 28, 31, 34, 75 human nature, 145 humanitarian, 4 humanity, 12, 133 humans, 12, 16, 17, 18, 23, 38, 39, 41, 47, 50, 69, 70, 71, 73, 75, 76, 77, 79, 80, 81, 82, 83, 131, 132, 134, 135 humility, 75, 76 husband, 37, 39, 83, 87, 89, 90, 92, 97, 99, 106, 107, 110, 111, 115, 116, 119, 120, 121, 141, 144, 150, 151 hypothermia, 121

I ice, 109 idealism, 89 identification, 57, 61 identity, 3, 9, 11, 16, 26, 33, 35, 37, 38, 39, 45, 55, 65, 66, 87, 88, 90, 93, 113, 138, 141, 145 ideology, 5, 7, 77, 131 images, 4, 133

imagination, 95, 96, 114 imitation, 61 immigrants, 26 immune function, 92 immune system, 19, 116 implementation, 17, 34 in situ, 46 incentives, 29 incest, 71 income, 1 independence, 63, 74 India, 11 indicators, 12 individual development, 28 individual differences, 38 individualism, 33, 35, 77 individuality, 13 inequality, 1 infancy, 70, 75 infection, 41, 97 infectious, 69 infectious disease, 69 infectious diseases, 69 inferences, 39 infinite, 15, 18, 19, 72, 74, 82 information technology, 58 infrastructure, 7 initiation, 79 innate capacity, 10 insomnia, 41 instability, 64 integration, 15, 81, 131 integrity, 15, 28, 30, 33, 43, 52, 60, 75 intelligence, 88 intensity, 34, 49, 72, 78, 82, 96 intentions, 30, 127 interaction, 13, 18, 27, 29, 33, 34, 35, 41, 42, 47, 72, 74, 100, 123, 138, 149 interactions, 29, 77, 133 interdependence, 15 internal organization, 134 internalization, 12 interpersonal interactions, 76 interpersonal relations, vii, 1, 13, 17, 18, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 32, 33, 34, 35, 38, 56, 64, 69, 70 interpersonal relationships, vii, 1, 13, 17, 18, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 32, 34, 35, 38, 56, 64, 69 interpersonal skills, 27, 45, 48 interpretation, 15, 37, 65, 136, 137, 149 interrelationships, 10, 39 interview, 56, 59, 63 intimacy, 42, 72, 135

Index intrinsic, 55, 64 intrinsic rewards, 55 introvert, 109 investment, 141 isolation, 19, 73, 78, 87, 89, 109

J Japan, 4, 150 Japanese, 4 Jerusalem, 83 jewelry, 107 job performance, 58, 104 job satisfaction, 15, 55, 58, 63 jobs, 63 joint identity, 85 judge, 111 judgment, 142 junior high, 128 justice, 17, 33, 75, 145 justification, 77, 80

K

161

lifetime, 36 likelihood, 78 limitation, 24, 35, 38 limitations, 11, 30, 32, 48, 49, 68 linguistic, 25, 71 linguistics, 25 links, 15, 57, 81 listening, 13, 60, 67, 104, 130, 141, 151 literature, vii, 20, 29, 38, 41, 70, 71, 77, 88, 140, 146 living environment, 123 locus, 10 logical reasoning, 10 loneliness, 73, 87, 99, 124, 141 long distance, 28 long-term, 28, 50, 61, 73, 78 losses, 19, 34 lover, vii, 2, 81, 88, 89, 90, 92, 96, 101, 105, 115, 123, 125, 136 loyalty, 12, 40, 49, 61, 75, 92, 105, 111 lung, 119 lung cancer, 119 lying, 104, 115, 116

M

kidney, 110 Kierkegaard, 84 killing, 72, 125 kindergarten, 128, 150 kinship network, 12 Korean, 3

L labor, 53 land, 20, 40, 48, 52, 53, 124 language, 7, 115, 132 laughing, 96, 99, 109, 127 laundry, 109 law, 24, 85 lawyers, 30 lead, 15, 18, 19, 20, 37, 46, 47, 48, 51, 55, 56, 58, 59, 60, 61, 62, 63, 65, 67, 73, 140, 142, 149 leadership, 1, 37, 39, 40, 41, 43, 46, 47, 48, 52, 55, 56, 58, 59, 60, 61, 62, 63, 66, 67, 68 leadership style, 47, 58, 59, 62, 63 learning, 14, 46, 100, 104, 105, 109 leather, 103, 128 leisure, 25, 142 lens, vii, 33 Lesbian, 93, 137 liberation, 87 life course, 36 life experiences, vii life span, 152 lifestyle, 28

main line, 72 mainstream, 139 maintenance, 15, 135 management, 37, 38, 40, 42, 43, 45, 46, 47, 48, 49, 50, 51, 52, 55, 56, 57, 58, 59, 60, 62, 63, 65, 66, 67, 68 management committee, 58 mandates, 18 mania, 78 manipulation, 31 man-made, 74 manners, 24 manpower, 11 mantle, 40 marginalization, 19, 33 marital conflict, 151 market, 119, 120 marketing, 41 marriage, 39, 97, 99, 100, 106, 111, 116, 120, 121 married women, 92 masculinity, 135 mask, 81 mass media, 31, 71 meals, 35 meanings, 2, 26, 39, 41, 70, 72, 74, 78, 79, 86, 92, 141, 143 measures, 24 media, 3, 6, 7, 114 medical services, 26

162

Index

medical student, 36 medication, 111, 144 medicine, 9, 14, 20, 21, 124 melancholic, 91 membership, 57, 66 memory, 96, 119, 124, 125, 150, 151 memory loss, 151 men, 1, 3, 4, 5, 6, 76, 77, 78, 82, 99, 103, 108, 113, 123, 125 mental disorder, 12, 120 mental health, 9, 10, 13, 14, 18, 20, 21, 132 mental illness, 113 mental image, 104 mental imagery, 104 mentor, 12, 143, 144 messages, 26, 58, 95, 132 metaphor, 131, 136 Middle Ages, 77 middle class, 77, 95, 103 military, 34 milk, 120 minority, 33 minority groups, 33 mirror, 130 misconceptions, 41 missions, 55, 138 misunderstanding, 31 mobility, 133 models, 38, 48, 71 modernity, 20 modernization, 11, 77 momentum, 62 money, 31, 33, 46, 103, 105, 113, 120 mood, 6 moral behavior, 19 moral development, 10 moral standards, 9, 11, 16, 17, 24, 25 morality, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 24, 26, 35 morals, 24 morning, 90, 107, 120 morphogenesis, 133, 136 mothers, 75, 128, 150 motivation, 17, 48, 58, 59, 63, 109, 129 motives, 30, 64, 140 mouse, 109 mouth, 36, 135 multiplicity, 76 murder, 53 muscle, 41 music, 25, 71, 103, 104, 105, 150 mutual respect, 16, 18, 24, 28, 65

N natural, 7, 19, 23, 40, 60, 69, 70, 71, 74, 83, 85, 92, 103, 123, 134, 141, 142 natural disasters, 69, 71, 74 neck, 116 negativity, 15, 144 negotiating, 23, 33, 67 networking, 34 neurotic, 72 non-human, 71 non-profit, 46 normal, 107, 113, 119 norms, 12, 65 nuclear, 29 nudity, 6 nurse, 149 nurses, 101, 111 nursing, 21, 43

O obedience, 39, 135 objectivity, 13, 29 obligation, 18 obligations, 39 observations, 56 occupational, 10 old age, 70 older people, 57 old-fashioned, 11 oncology, 21 openness, 19, 71, 72, 80, 145 oppression, 2, 24, 30, 38 oral, 6, 25 organ, 47 organic, 16 organization, 30, 32, 42, 45, 46, 48, 50, 51, 55, 60, 63, 64, 66, 68, 99, 100 organizational culture, 45, 49, 50, 60 organizations, 26, 42 orientation, 30, 32, 33, 58, 63 originality, 92 otherness, 13 outreach programs, 41

P packets, 31 pain, 3, 25, 34, 41, 73, 78, 87, 88, 92, 101, 110, 114, 115, 119, 128, 129, 142, 144 parent-child, 27, 33, 80 parenthood, 84 parenting, 17

Index parents, 17, 18, 35, 57, 73, 80, 95, 96, 99, 104, 109, 113, 114, 115, 116, 119, 120, 127, 128, 129, 130, 134, 138, 144, 151 participatory research, 93 partnership, 9, 18, 20, 34, 61, 63, 65, 66, 86, 135, 145 partnerships, 14 passenger, 120 passive, 58, 72, 134 pastoral, 20, 57, 58, 66, 138 paternal, 110 patients, 14, 21, 149, 152 peer, 13, 30, 37, 76, 80 peer group, 30, 76 peer relationship, 37, 80 peers, 27, 30, 41, 57, 73, 80, 113 peptic ulcer, 19 perception, 1, 18, 30, 32, 64, 132 perceptions, 11, 24, 27, 34, 72, 88, 137 performance, 5, 28, 32, 61, 62, 63, 64, 103, 146 permeability, 134 permit, 40 personal, 1, 10, 11, 17, 21, 24, 26, 29, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 37, 38, 41, 55, 61, 62, 68, 70, 71, 72, 77, 79, 82, 89, 95, 107, 131, 140, 141, 142, 146, 151 personal benefit, 17 personal communication, 29 personal goals, 62 personal identity, 11, 35, 95 personality, 28, 34, 58, 68, 73, 84, 109, 115 persuasion, 31 philosophical, 11, 15, 19, 84, 132, 146 philosophy, vii, 9, 10, 11, 12, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 29, 84, 86 phone, 111, 129 physical attractiveness, 79 physical exercise, 24 physics, 25 physiological, 38, 39, 40, 49 planning, 42, 45, 47, 58, 59, 63 plants, 71, 123 play, 10, 16, 18, 25, 30, 35, 37, 64, 103, 104, 105, 128, 141 pleasure, 73, 75 pluralism, 23 pneumonia, 97, 121 police, 24, 116 political, 7, 17, 25, 37, 43, 48, 57, 139 politicians, 17 politics, vii, 3, 7, 17, 18, 31, 132, 153 poor, 1, 19, 33, 48, 56, 63, 109, 128, 129, 130 population, 151 positive behaviors, 49

163

positive correlation, 15 positive mental health, 9, 17, 20 positive relation, 65, 82 positive relationship, 65 post-traumatic stress, 117 post-traumatic stress disorder, 117 poverty, 19, 38 power, vii, 5, 7, 9, 19, 26, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 40, 48, 49, 50, 58, 60, 61, 63, 69, 73, 77, 82, 87, 88, 92, 114, 132, 133, 134, 135, 136, 142, 145 power inequality, 28 prayer, vii, 1, 26, 79, 135, 139, 140, 141, 142, 143, 144, 145, 146 pre-adolescents, 21 predisposing factors, 78 preference, 17, 35 preparation, 37, 63, 64 preparedness, 10 pressure, 1, 13, 14, 89, 100, 150 prestige, 30 primary school, 21, 58, 141 priorities, 49 privacy, 27 private, 1, 87, 92, 104, 119, 141, 153 procedures, 31, 32, 33, 52, 55, 62, 63, 64 production, 4 productivity, 1 profession, 14, 30 professions, 14, 30 prognosis, 101 program, 67, 97, 110, 129, 140 promote, 9, 15, 19, 23 property, 47, 133 protection, 100 protocol, 146 protocols, 61 prudence, 75 psychiatrist, 130 psychoanalysis, 138 psychological, 9, 10, 13, 14, 15, 16, 18, 19, 23, 24, 25, 26, 28, 37, 41, 48, 57, 61, 63, 72, 73, 78, 79, 139, 143, 144, 151 psychological distress, 143 psychological health, 14, 15, 41 psychological problems, 144 psychological well-being, 26, 41 psychology, 51, 70, 71, 93, 138 psycho-social, 26 public, 1, 12, 87, 109, 119, 131 public domain, 1, 87

Q qualifications, 31, 143

Index

164 qualitative research, 153 quality of life, 11, 14, 15, 21

R radical, 70 rail, 150 rain, 127 range, 25, 38, 72 rape, 4 rationality, 31, 32, 136 reactivity, 64 reading, 89, 100, 114, 127, 142 reality, 15, 41, 51, 55, 76, 79, 80, 83, 92, 96, 108, 113, 116, 125, 152 recall, 141 reciprocity, 84 recognition, 1, 58, 88, 136, 143 reconcile, 17 reconciliation, 77, 82 reconstruction, 7 recovery, 15, 144 recreation, 87 reflection, 20, 138, 142 reflexivity, 70 refuge, 21 regular, 56, 57, 58, 60 regulation, 16, 18 regulations, 23, 31, 32 reinforcement, 31 rejection, 92, 105 relationship, 7, 12, 15, 16, 17, 19, 21, 26, 28, 29, 30, 32, 33, 34, 39, 41, 45, 46, 47, 48, 50, 55, 61, 64, 65, 66, 69, 71, 72, 73, 74, 75, 76, 77, 79, 80, 81, 82, 83, 84, 85, 87, 88, 89, 92, 93, 96, 105, 106, 110, 114, 115, 116, 120, 127, 128, 129, 131, 133, 134, 135, 136, 137, 141, 143, 146, 151 relationship quality, 93, 137 relationships, 11, 23, 24, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 38, 39, 41, 42, 55, 59, 64, 70, 71, 72, 73, 74, 75, 76, 77, 78, 80, 82, 83, 84, 85, 88, 109, 132, 133, 134, 136, 143 relatives, 31, 114, 150, 151 religion, 10, 11, 15, 20, 21, 23, 24, 26, 41, 74, 85 religions, 11, 15, 21, 24, 132, 136 religious, 1, 10, 11, 15, 20, 21, 23, 26, 55, 65, 131, 139 renal failure, 97 repression, 41 reputation, 18, 60 research, 14, 41, 80, 83, 89, 93, 152, 153 resentment, 144 reservation, 32, 33, 127, 144 resilience, 30

resistance, 34, 61, 108, 135 resources, 29, 31, 47, 66, 141 responsibilities, 11, 55, 56, 65, 99, 143 restaurant, 127 restoration, 5, 84 retired, 119 retirement, 37, 63 rewards, 50, 60, 61, 62 righteousness, 18, 140 rigidity, 63 risks, 32, 48 Roman Empire, 77 romantic relationship, 70, 78, 79, 80, 81, 83, 108, 125

S sacrifice, 5, 18, 41, 51, 75, 80, 83, 88, 133, 136 sadness, 19, 97, 114, 125 safeguard, 16, 27 safety, 38, 40, 49 salary, 1, 55 sampling, 78 satisfaction, 9, 18, 24, 28, 32, 62, 63, 64, 65, 80, 81 scholarship, 129 school, 9, 10, 11, 12, 15, 33, 57, 90, 93, 95, 99, 100, 109, 110, 127, 139, 142 schooling, 113 science, 14, 71 scientific, 71, 139, 149 SCM, 52, 138, 146 search, 26, 50, 91 searching, 14 secondary schools, 57 secret, 3, 121 secrets, 82, 142 security, 19, 26, 28, 37, 40, 66, 79, 125 sedatives, 130 seed, 141 self, 13, 64, 72, 73, 84, 93, 142 self esteem, 80 self worth, 15 self-actualization, 18, 38 self-awareness, 38 self-concept, 79 self-confidence, 18, 63 self-definition, 18, 26, 35, 55 self-destruction, 150 self-destructive behavior, 150 self-discovery, 146 self-efficacy, 15 self-esteem, 18, 19, 28, 40, 72, 73, 80, 93, 137 self-image, 18, 28 self-loving, 73

Index self-management, 25 self-monitoring, 11 self-reflection, 25 self-regulation, 18 self-worth, 28, 73 semiotics, 7 sensing, 100 sensitivity, 18, 23, 37, 42 separation, 83, 135 services, 42, 58 severity, 67 sex, 3, 4, 7, 78 sexual activity, 79 sexual behavior, 3 sexual orientation, 84 sexuality, 5, 7 shame, 81 shape, 51, 60, 67, 68, 79, 87, 114 shares, 2, 90 sharing, 28, 33, 34, 55, 67, 70, 72, 73, 74, 78, 82, 95, 114, 121, 136, 143, 145 sheep, 51 shelter, 39, 41, 113, 115 shock, 19, 97, 123 short period, 64 short-term, 78 shy, 109 sibling, 88 siblings, 27, 73, 101, 109, 127, 128 sign, 7, 75, 76 signs, 21, 42, 76, 101 silver, 107, 120, 125 similarity, 3, 79, 120, 133 skills, 1, 29, 36, 40, 45, 46, 48, 49, 51, 52, 55, 58, 59, 61, 65, 68, 146 skin, 95, 107, 125 Skinner, B. F., 52 slavery, 48, 52 sleep, 108, 116, 128, 141 sleeping pills, 130 smoke, 53 sobriety, 79 social, 1, 3, 4, 7, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 23, 24, 25, 26, 28, 30, 31, 32, 33, 35, 37, 38, 39, 40, 45, 49, 55, 57, 66, 69, 72, 73, 76, 80, 84, 87, 89, 93, 113, 129, 133, 139, 143, 149, 152, 153 social activities, 28 social class, 72 social cohesion, 11, 23, 26 social context, 87 social development, 11 social factors, 72

165

social hierarchy, 12, 80 social identity, 9, 26 social institutions, 72 social isolation, 87 social justice, 84 social life, 16 social network, 32, 55 social norms, 13, 18, 24, 25 social obligations, 16 social order, 4, 12 social relations, 13, 33 social relationships, 13 social roles, 15 social rules, 17, 23 social status, 1, 9, 30, 31, 40, 69 social stigmatization, 19 social structure, 13 social support, 18, 19, 26 social welfare, 26 social work, 15, 20, 21, 93, 149, 152, 153 socialization, 33 socially, 14, 16, 20, 24, 32, 92, 132 society, vii, 1, 9, 10, 12, 15, 17, 18, 23, 24, 26, 27, 29, 30, 31, 33, 45, 88, 110, 113, 117, 143, 152 socioeconomic, 1 socioeconomic status, 1 sociological, 6 sociology, 71 Socrates, 21 soil, 116 solutions, 57, 59, 60, 67 sounds, 7 sovereignty, 57, 134, 136 species, 71, 76, 77 spheres, 1, 19, 25 spiritual, 9, 10, 14, 15, 19, 20, 21, 26, 37, 38, 40, 41, 45, 55, 56, 57, 64, 65, 70, 72, 80, 100, 139, 143, 145, 146 spiritual awakening, 143 spiritual care, 57 spirituality, vii, 9, 10, 11, 14, 15, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 69, 91, 139, 140, 141, 143, 145, 146 sports, 109 spouse, 37 stability, 17, 24, 26, 31, 34, 56, 57, 67, 71, 134 stages, 37, 42, 65, 70, 79 standards, 9, 10, 13, 17, 18, 25, 35, 47 Standards, 17 stars, 4 statistics, 66 strategic, 34, 35 strategies, 23, 29, 34, 43, 46, 47, 51, 55 strength, 10, 15, 16, 19, 31, 32, 73, 74, 145

Index

166 stress, 11, 17, 18, 89, 114, 127 stroke, 119 structuralism, 25 structuring, 5 students, 10, 57, 73, 93, 151 subjective, 32, 77, 82, 86, 135, 146 subjective experience, 86, 146 subjectivity, 7, 13, 138 substance abuse, 14 substitutes, 60, 63 substitution, 64 suffering, 16, 19, 25, 70, 71, 79, 132, 136, 142, 144 suicide, 106, 114, 130 supervision, 144 suppression, 12, 41 surface structure, 25 surgery, 14 surprise, 4, 42 surveillance, 18, 25 surviving, 92 susceptibility, 41 sustainability, 66 sweat, 4, 108, 116 symbols, 50, 66 symptoms, 19, 41 syntax, 25 systematic, 12, 32, 49, 76, 137 systems, 12, 34, 42, 52, 68, 137, 138, 151, 152

T tactics, 29 talent, 4, 46, 76, 99, 104, 105 Taoism, 9, 10, 11, 13, 14, 16, 17, 19, 20 teachers, 73, 151 teaching, vii, 1, 11, 75, 77, 84, 104, 105, 132, 144, 150 team members, 59, 60, 61, 65, 67 technician, 110 technological, 2, 9 technological advancement, 9 technology, 71 teens, 57, 127 temperance, 75 tension, 13, 49, 79 testimony, 53 Thailand, 150 theology, 18, 47, 70, 84, 134, 137, 138 theoretical, 37, 38, 67 theory, 3, 6, 7, 12, 21, 45, 62, 85, 133, 137, 151 therapeutic, 13, 14, 15, 69, 88, 92, 93, 140, 146 therapeutic benefits, 93 therapeutic relationship, 69

thinking, 11, 15, 16, 24, 26, 35, 91, 96, 97, 104, 105, 116, 127, 131, 133, 137, 149, 151, 152 threat, 61 time, 3, 4, 9, 18, 19, 33, 45, 48, 49, 57, 61, 62, 64, 71, 73, 74, 77, 79, 82, 87, 89, 90, 95, 96, 97, 100, 103, 105, 107, 109, 110, 114, 115, 116, 119, 120, 121, 123, 124, 125, 126, 127, 128, 130, 133, 135, 140, 141, 142, 143 timing, 61 tinnitus, 114 title, 61 tolerance, 25, 57, 131, 136 top management, 66 trade, 29 trading, 95 tradition, 20, 29, 84 traffic, 100 training, 42, 61, 63, 144 traits, 14, 71 transcendence, 10, 15, 47, 82 transformations, 21 transgression, 4 transition, 57 transparency, 29, 32 transplant, 110 transport, 119 transportation, 119 trauma, 87, 88 travel, 150 trees, 127, 142 trust, 18, 19, 27, 30, 32, 48, 60, 70, 104, 143 trusts, 69 trustworthiness, 18, 50, 142 Tsunami, 135 tumor, 110 turnover, 57, 58, 61 tutoring, 104, 105 two-way, 27, 49

U uncertainty, 28, 88, 136, 152 undergraduate, 80 unemployment, 19 unfolded, 89 unification, 79 universality, 69 universe, 88, 135

V validation, 85 values, 1, 4, 11, 15, 20, 23, 24, 25, 28, 31, 32, 33, 50, 67, 71, 72

Index Venus, 6, 7 vibration, 96, 100, 111 village, 113, 119 violence, 4, 71 violent, 3 visible, vii, 89 vision, 7, 52, 55, 59, 68, 79 visual, 4, 5, 7 voice, 3, 7, 13, 87, 88, 89, 92, 93, 96, 116, 120, 123, 125, 127, 130, 142 volunteer work, 97 voting, 3

W walking, 145 war, 69, 71, 74 water, 41, 49, 50, 52, 103, 124 weakness, 7, 10, 15, 70, 144 wealth, 9, 13, 26, 30 weapons, 31 weeping, 7

167

well-being, 13, 15, 19, 66, 72, 82, 92, 143 wellness, 9, 10, 20 Western countries, 11 western culture, 29 wind, 99, 103, 142 winning, 64 winter, 110, 119, 121 wisdom, 11, 13, 68, 71, 75, 143, 144 witness, 49 women, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 78, 87, 88, 93, 108 workers, 109 workplace, 1, 12, 30, 49, 62, 73 World Trade Center, 5 writing, 70, 72, 87, 88, 89, 92, 93, 113, 114, 136, 140, 152 writing process, 92 wrongdoing, 17

Y yarn, 127 young men, 103