Relationships That Rock!: The Smart Girl's Guide to Meeting and Keeping the Perfect Partner

Relationships_pages

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page i

Relationships_pages

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page ii

Sue Ostler is a self-confessed flirtaholic and author of the bestselling books published by Allen & Unwin, Get Over It!: A love junkie’s guide (1998) and Get On With It!: How to be sassy, successful and single (2002). A Sydney-based media junkie who has worked as a pop culture journalist, editor, and marketing and advertising manager, Sue splits her time between her day job as associate publisher at Rolling Stone magazine and her role as relationship guru. She is a highly sought-after speaker on the dating circuit and host of the Vodka & Chocolate Seduction Sessions. She firmly believes that everyone has a flirting queen hidden deep within. Access yours at www.vodkaandchocolate.com. Sue is still gob-smacked that getting dumped all those years ago paved the way for a career as a love ambassador. Crazy . . .

Relationships_pages

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page iii

, The smart girl s guide to meeting and keeping the perfect partner

Relationships_pages

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page iv

Quote on pp. 233–4 is from the Sunday Telegraph, 31 August 2003 First published in 2004 Copyright © Sue Ostler 2004 All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording or by any information storage and retrieval system, without prior permission in writing from the publisher. The Australian Copyright Act 1968 (the Act) allows a maximum of one chapter or 10 per cent of this book, whichever is the greater, to be photocopied by any educational institution for its educational purposes provided that the educational institution (or body that administers it) has given a remuneration notice to Copyright Agency Limited (CAL) under the Act. Allen & Unwin 83 Alexander St Crows Nest NSW 2065 Australia Phone: (61 2) 8425 0100 Fax: (61 2) 9906 2218 Email: [email protected] Web: www.allenandunwin.com National Library of Australia Cataloguing-in-Publication entry: Ostler, Sue. Relationships that rock! : the smart girl’s guide to meeting and keeping the perfect partner. ISBN 1 74114 345 4. 1. Man-woman relationships. 2. Interpersonal relations. 3. Dating (Social customs). 4. Mate selection. I. Title 646.77 Set in 11/14 pt Minion by Midland Typesetters, Maryborough, Victoria Printed in Australia by McPherson’s Printing Group 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

Relationships_pages

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page v

With love to Eddy Lee, I wouldn’t be writing books about relationships that rocked if it wasn’t for you babe . . .

Relationships_pages

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page vi

Relationships_pages

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page vii

Contents Acknowledgments Introduction Part I Let’s get you ready for a relationship . . . 1 You, sexy woman, are the focus of a national trend 2 Gearing up for the Love-Adventure 3 Big Girls Don’t Cry—they move on 4 Repackaging yourself for the singles market

ix xi 3 12 25 40

Part II Is he gonna rock my world? 5 Crushes, chemistry and compatibility 6 The Love Awards for the worst love choices 7 Bring on the dating smorgasbord 8 What’s age got to do with it?

65 79 94 118

Part III Putting the word out 9 Where are you on the dating food chain? 10 Getting out there 11 So you’re going on a date . . .

127 137 151

Part IV Here comes Mr Man 12 How to handle it all . . . 13 Troubleshooting—building a stronger relationship 14 How to manage the time split 15 Girl talk

165 177 201 216

Part V Is he the one? 16 He’s not perfect but he’s perfect for you 17 Monthly signposts 18 Putting it all together

231 246 272

Further reading

277

Relationships_pages

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page viii

Relationships_pages

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page ix

Acknowledgments Heartfelt thanks go out to my hero Jo Paul for the laughs, the fun and the frequent flashes of brilliance. To Colette Vella, Karen Williams, Stephanie Whitelock and all the crew at Allen & Unwin for the ongoing support and for being unusually nice human beings. Many thanks to everyone I interviewed for this book, both on the record and off. To the hundreds of women who have shared their stories and growth with me during my radio appearances, in letters and during seminars. Thank you for always reminding me why I write these books. A warm nod also to the media, who’ve helped spread the love by putting their support behind Vodka & Chocolate Therapy, and the sponsors who’ve come on board. A sprinkling of goddess power goes to Sophie Cunningham —I never would have got this party started if it wasn’t for you.

Relationships_pages

x

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page x

Relationships That Rock!

Special thanks go to word superstar Rebecca Bourne for her massive undertaking (and bravado!) in working with me on this project—her structural work, voluminous word power, quotes, case studies, quiz power, research and, above all, her incisive editing contribution—I’m sure we’ll be reading your book pretty soon! Liz Skuthorpe for her input; Gillian Samuel for sheer inspiration; and Gavin Morrison for the brilliant illustrations. The sass-power award goes to Mariam Dib for just being Mariam. A special thanks goes to ‘my nearest and dearest’ (that includes you Mr Fish); Jen, Lisa D, Daniella, Tony M and Sue S, with fresh new inspiration from Nel. To my fave brothers Wayne and Michael, and of course my dad Max. Big hugs and kisses to my mum who, as always, cheered me on, listened endlessly, smiled encouragingly, supported me and nodded reassuringly—you’re the energy and motivation behind everything I do. Thank you. Here’s to romantic possibilities and rockin’ in the real world . . .

Relationships_pages

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page xi

Introduction Since my teens I’ve meandered through life, longing for love, attention, understanding, respect and recognition. I’ve felt more Carrie Bradshaw than Sue Ostler as I sat in my inner-city pad, tapping away on my laptop about boyfriends, getting dumped, having a good time and trying to meet my soul mate. I’ve fancied myself the poster girl for ‘singledom’ and the darling of the break-up set. I’ve watched as they threw away the only rulebook I was aware of, and grimaced as the dating arena became something pretty damn daunting. I’ve yearned for nothing more than to understand how to make a relationship flourish in the sometimes frankly messed-up language of love, and I’ve learnt that going into a relationship should never be looked upon as random act of kindness. But—and this is a biggie—I’ve managed to negotiate my way out of the dating slough and move towards the

Relationships_pages

xii

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page xii

Relationships That Rock!

mouth-watering sunny uplands of Relationshipville. My 2002 started out as a fairly typical year, with everything from flings to three-week dating-marathon monsters. Romance research for this book was taking up most of my time, what with singles dinners, online dating, singles balls, interviews with unsuspecting friends and the occasional no-agenda date. But a single moment in March 2002 represented the summit of my romantic research expedition. I’ll let you into a little secret. A tall, dark, sexy man sauntered into my life just after my second book, Get On With It!—a celebration of all things single—was published. He knew nothing of my professional love gurudom and made it crystal clear that he was looking for a relationship, which, if it must be publicly known, scared the bejesus out of me. For the next few months I took it v-e-r-y slowly. I never once thought in terms of ‘is he the one?’, but somehow, in spite of (or maybe because of?) my casual attitude, we’ve managed to fall deeply and contentedly in love. Who would’ve guessed? When I look back now I can see that I took a load of pressure off the relationship and myself by not building it up into the classic ‘is he the one?’ proposition. I wasn’t looking that far into the future. To be honest, I was way too busy to spend time speculating. My life was literally bursting at the seams. I am a minor celebrity after all, and my career was blasting into the stratosphere—well, sort of. So, in between a national book tour, a pesky full-time job, a demanding social life, the need to turn up at functions and guzzle as many free drinks as possible, a vain attempt at working off as many free drinks as possible, an addiction to honouring my hobbies of film, fashion and retail therapy, along with other various bits and pieces, I thought it would require a minor miracle to

Relationships_pages

6/30/04

Introduction

4:07 PM

Page xiii

xiii

slot a man into my overrun life, let alone consider whether or not he would be the father of my children! In retrospect I can see that the ‘take it one day at a time’ approach worked brilliantly for us. It meant that I gradually included him in my life and our lives slowly evolved together. We took our time integrating our friends and interests and steadily built our love-foundations before we let our worlds collide. I was cautious about entering a serious relationship but I wanted to give it my best shot. The end result is that we’ve managed to become even closer while still maintaining our own identities. I am very proud of my part in creating this relationship—and very happy! I know that if this relationship does flounder, for whatever reason, that it will in no way stop me from resuming a complete life on my own. Of course there would be deep sadness and heartbreak—but I can honestly say I’ve kept a good grip on the things that constitute my life, relationship or no relationship. And that makes me feel great. It also makes me strong within the relationship. Of course none of this romantic stuff has stopped me from obsessing about what it means to be a Modern Single Girl, an MSG if you will. I still get a huge kick out of that. Why wouldn’t I? I credit my never to be underestimated Single Girl Power as the reason I found Mr Wonderful in the first place. Let’s face it, if I’d never left the house and stepped out on my own to see my favourite rock band play that night, I wouldn’t have met him. It’s a no-brainer really. So you see, I’m a pretty big believer in my own fantastic theory—that you’ll see results when you put your confidence and communication skills to the test. Especially if you’ve applied to yourself the principle that self-work equals self-worth. It

Relationships_pages

xiv

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page xiv

Relationships That Rock!

takes a massive effort to live the life of your dreams—but it’s entirely possible. But enough about me. The fact that you’ve picked up this book speaks volumes—you have taken a major initiative to sex up your life. It’s been a long time between drinks and you’re thirsty as all hell. CHEERS! The next few chapters will provide insight into the 21st century and deliver the A–Z of intimacy issues and love choices. We’ll be covering every aspect of those tricky and often traumatic times that occur during our twenties, thirties and forties, and preparing for a radical life reinvention. We’ll delve into the weird and wonderful world in which we live while the perennial search for a partner goes on. Being single has come out of the closet—HALLE-FREAKINGLUJAH! We’re settling down later in life, which means more relationships and more break-ups—welcome to the age of churn and burn. We’ve refused to be bullied by the ticking of our biological clocks and aspiration to married bliss, and have instead been busy developing overactive imaginations. We’re learning to practise discretion when it comes to selecting partners and to encounter our various heartbreak phases as just that—they’re like a predictable illness that hits every once in a while. Which is why it’s more important than ever to have the right emotional toolbox to deal with them, and to learn from each blundered romance. You’ll encounter loads of laughs and rude words as you read on. But it’s not all just one big, boozy party, you know— I expect you to get something out of this too. You’ll need to pick up a pen and interact with the quizzes, questionnaires, crosswords and, of course, the Relationships that Rock Challenges. I’ll be depending on you to take the time to do

Relationships_pages

6/30/04

Introduction

4:07 PM

Page xv

xv

them properly and make the experience festive and fruitful. We’ll turn your interaction into an Event. Sure, this boy/girl stuff is meant to be fluffy and feel-good, but you’re gonna want to concentrate because I am fully expecting you to let go of your abandonment and self-destruction issues, slap the basketcase whose ambition in life it is to take you down, and achieve a Life Transformation over the course of this book. At the very least. By the end of it you will be devastatingly armed with the following: A A A A A A A A A A

A powerful, potent and dynamic new mindset. An incredible sense of self-image and self-esteem. A new independent outlook on life. The strongest desire to overcome negative habits. Sharp, savvy and super-improved communication skills. Strategies and tactics to design a new game plan. The ability to overcome daggy self-defeating attitudes. A brand-new emotional toolbox. ‘Smart girl’ seduction and flirting techniques. A sexy new partner.

Finally, I could tell you that I’m qualified to write this book because I’ve done countless Singles Solutions seminars and flirting seminars, written for Cleo on the subject, and appeared on TV and radio all across the country. Yeah, this stuff is true, but the reason you should listen to me is because I can relate—I was a late relationship bloomer and I’ve learnt something invaluable from every long-term relationship I’ve been in. This is my opportunity to share the knowledge. I’ve written two previous Girl Power books, Get Over It! and Get On With It!, because I live by the understanding that how

Relationships_pages

xvi

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page xvi

Relationships That Rock!

we deal with the concept of romance is a huge part of our lives. It can make us happy make us want to blow our brains out. And since I’m really good at being myself and staying independent whether I’m single or in a relationship, I write about it in the hope that I can spare you some heartache. I’ll keep you out of romantic perjury and show you how to sniff out the fragrant prince among the stinky frogs. But enough about me—get yourself comfy, grab a lovewine and let’s concentrate on finding you a relationship that rocks!

Relationships_pages

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page xvii

Relationships_pages

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page xviii

Relationships_pages

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page 1

part I

Let’s get you ready for a relationship . . .

Relationships_pages

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page 2

Relationships_pages

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page 3

1

You, sexy woman, are the focus of a national trend Let’s head straight to the heart of the matter, shall we? Love’s a bitch. We grow up believing there’s a secret formula that will let us race up the romantic food chain and live happily ever after, but guess what? It’s clearly not working. Not for you or the other 50 per cent of the population who are also single! The popularity of marriage is at an all-time low right now and there’s more uncertainty between the sexes than ever before. That’s why you’re reading this book—you want to know what to do! You’re well and truly ready to try some different approaches when it comes to making a successful love-transaction. You’re ready for action, not excuses. In the early nineties no one was reading or really thinking much about this whole generation of singles, but now, thanks to the media focus, there’s a growing recognition that, hey, being single is not only acceptable—it’s actually quite cool. Our perception is linked directly to the way media

Relationships_pages

4

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page 4

Relationships That Rock!

commentators are viewing the world. We’re influenced by what we see across the vast spectrum from TV to radio to print media and the Internet, and what we’ve seen over the past few years is a radical change in the way singles are understood. The media are busily falling over themselves to find the latest in a slew of competent, sleek, charismatic career women to hold up as role models. They’re saluting Sex and The Single Girl, and promoting the image of the modern, independent woman. That alone has helped cultivate a massive awareness that allows you to feel good about your status—in spite of the incredulous cries from our over-coiffed greataunts when they get the same negative response in answer to the obligatory ‘have you got a boyfriend yet?’ question. It’s comforting to know you’re in good company with the Hollywood A-Listers and Hot Singles like Angelina Jolie out there promoting the benefits of being single—not forgetting the ubiquitous Nicole, of course. These are the women who set the trends and send out the message that it’s perfectly hip to be single. That’s my cue to drag out the dreaded statistics (ABS 2001): A A A A

The average age for women to get married is 27. The average age for a man to get married is 29. The divorce rate in Australia is a fear-inspiring 46 per cent. The number of people getting married has dropped by 6 per cent in the past decade.

The good news is that today there are almost double the numbers of singles among us, and the upside of that is that there’s a fairly even split between males and females.

Relationships_pages

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page 5

You, sexy woman, are the focus of a national trend

5

According to the 2000 Census, there are 3.4 million single people over the age of 30—that’s 22 per cent of the population! So you’re in good company. Sure there was once a stigma about—shock, horror— being single, but my how times have changed. We’ve seen a massive cultural explosion where we’ve gone from having virtually no information, to an entire education stream devoted solely to the A–Z of being a smart, sassy single. Everyone’s jumping on the bandwagon . . . why else do you think the grrrl-power anthems from the likes of Avril, Madonna, Kylie, No Doubt, Christine Aguilera, Pink, Beyoncé and Norah Jones go platinum all over the world? We love their edgy, proindependence messages and, during the down times, it’s the messages from our melodic cheerleaders that help elevate us from the romantic scrap heap. For the first time we are seeing the emergence of a culture that accommodates the predicament of the single. And you know what? The great heroes of the branding of romance are you and me. We’re the ones who get the benefits. That’s what I meant when I said earlier that being single has come out of the closet. In a nutshell, we will no longer be tempted to settle for sad, claustrophobic relationships because they’re better than nothing. We’re only interested in relationships that are going to enrich and nurture us—not smash our foundations. We’re preparing to clean up our relationship-scape and ditch that fictional romantic self-image for once and for all—and replace it with one that recognises our self-worth.

What’s great about being single? Right now it’s the best of times and the worst of times. There’s the good stuff: you’re as free as a bird to do your own

Relationships_pages

6/30/04

4:07 PM

6

Page 6

Relationships That Rock!

thing and you don’t have to justify your actions to anyone. And the bad: no regular sex, no one to snuggle with and no one to have a princess day with. The thing is, you can’t get the hang of the relationship stuff until you’ve figured out what’s so special about the singles phase. If you’ve been in a dud or emotionally draining partnership where you’ve had all the lousy stuff—the insecurities, the disappointments, the betrayals—and none of the good—the hugs, the intimacy, the warm, fuzzy, lovey-dovey stuff—you now have the freedom to get out and kick up your kitten heels with your new bang-up attitude. Bottom line, if you’re impulsive and passionate and you live for the moment, you’re putting yourself in a stronger position to meet a like-minded person. Write a note and stick it to your conscience— a reminder that you’re a go-getter who understands that the key to unlocking relationship success is about living life to the full. If you know yourself and what you want, you’re already halfway there. When I was younger I thought I’d definitely be married with a baby by the time I was 30, but now who knows what will happen. I’m lucky because I’ve got such a busy life. If I was at home twiddling my thumbs all day, I might notice a gap. Kylie Minogue, 2003

So how are you handling it? Let’s look at your singles phase—past and current—and assess where you’re at emotionally and summarise what you have (hopefully) taken from it. That’s the part when you were, or still are, struggling with the concept of being

Relationships_pages

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page 7

You, sexy woman, are the focus of a national trend

7

single—your single-chick mindset. Secondly, we’ll look at how diversity is the key to life, at how it’s also the framework upon which to build a sexy relationship. The single girl mindset can function as the platform on which an incredibly satisfying and independent life will continue to exist within your coupled life. One thing to keep in mind is the trifecta, the combination of successful career, romance and health. Often, if you’re happy both at work and in your personal life, everything else tends to flow. Take a moment to look at where you’re at and where you’ve been in your journey through Singlesville. Grab a pen and tick the statements in Quiz 1 as true or false. (You will find it useful to get a small notebook and keep records of your answers to this and several other quizzes and selfassessments I’m going to throw at you along the way.)

FQuiz 1: My current headspace . . . 1. I feel happy with most areas of my life at the moment. True/False 2. I have hobbies and interests that make me feel good about myself. True/False [name 3] 3. I’ve been experiencing great things that never would have happened had I been in a relationship. True/False [name 2] 4. I can spend time alone without feeling lonely or desperate. True/False 5. I’m learning and discovering new things all the time. True/False [name 2]

Relationships_pages

6/30/04

4:07 PM

8

Page 8

Relationships That Rock! 6. I consider myself one hell of a catch, and it’s merely a question of WHO’S WORTHY. True/False 7. It’s more important to me that I meet the Right Guy than A Guy. True/False 8. There are some things when it comes to relationships that I’m not prepared to compromise on. True/False [name 5] 9. I feel relaxed about the fact that one day I will meet the right person. True/False 10. I’m happy with my friends and social life. True/False 11. If I were in a relationship I would try and preserve loads of stuff from my Single Life. True/False [name 3] 12. I feel in control of my life.

True/False

13. I know what I want in my life and what I value. True/False [name 3] 14. I feel that life is an adventure—my adventure. True/False 15. I have plans for my life that do not involve meeting somebody. True/False [name 3] 16. I have personal goals that I’m currently working towards fulfilling. True/False [name 3]

Okay, now on to a marking score. You should have ticked True for at least 12 of the above statements if you are genuinely ready to move forward to the moving-on part. Why?

Relationships_pages

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page 9

You, sexy woman, are the focus of a national trend

9

It may be a cliché but it’s a damn good one that I’m going to drum into you throughout the course of this book: you can’t be happy in love until you’re happy with yourself. The selflove platform is all about needs and issues that have nothing to do with your partner—it’s primarily about what’s missing in your own life. Something that only you can fix. Now for part two of this exercise. Take the time to answer the questions below.

FQuiz 2: More about you 1. Do you feel unhappy when you’re not riding the ‘high’ of a new relationship? 2. Do you imagine life will be ‘better’ once you’re in a relationship? 3. Do you look for relationships to subsidise your self-esteem—because you feel better about YOU when you’re in one? 4. Do you tend to leapfrog from one relationship to the next so you need never ‘hit the wall’ of a postrelationship comedown? 5. Do you put other life issues on hold in order to pursue a relationship? 6. Do you get a ‘hit’ out of a new relationship, but find once it’s worn off, that there’s nothing substantial to keep the union going? 7. Do you consider a relationship—any relationship— preferable to being the seventh wheel among coupled-up friends?

Relationships_pages

10

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page 10

Relationships That Rock! 8. Do you head into relationships because you’re fuelled by the fear of ending up alone? 9. Do you use the distraction of a relationship as an excuse to stop you from sorting out your own issues? 10. Do you go after the thrill of romance simply to address your hunger for love and affection? 11. Do you really expect to find happiness through someone else when you’re incapable of generating it for yourself? 12. Do you kid yourself that a relationship—any relationship—is preferable to being lonely and depressed? 13. Deep down, do you accept that you can be far lonelier in the wrong relationship than in no relationship?

Right—before we go any further, stop and think about what your answers are telling you. If your self-esteem’s absolutely powering and you’re ready to leap into relationship land, skip the following chapters and move forward to Part II right now. If you don’t feel that you’re at the stage where you can say you’re a resourceful, independent, action chick—one who knows what you want and isn’t afraid to go after it—it’s time to stop, take a deep breath, and assess your life. For those of you who sense that you’re not quite there yet, don’t worry, you’re still figuring out how to make the most of your single life. Go back, have a good hard look at your reality. Read my second book, Get On With It!, for thousands of tips on how to be a Sassy, Successful Single. Take your time to figure out

Relationships_pages

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page 11

You, sexy woman, are the focus of a national trend

11

the areas where you might be letting yourself down and come back to this chapter when you’re satisfied that you’re ready to move forward. We won’t be moving on until we’ve established where you’re at in preparation for the killer romance. Welcome to Planet Sex . . . A lot of people are afraid to say what they want. That’s why they don’t get what they want. Madonna

Relationships_pages

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page 12

2

Gearing up for the Love-Adventure Right! I’m in charge of your romantic future from here, so listen up. You’ve probably always expected that you’d marry, and no doubt you still will if that’s your goal, but you’ve come to terms with being single and entertained the likelihood that marriage is going to come later than you’d expected. That doesn’t change the fact that your currency’s pretty damn good. You’re attractive, you can turn on the charm and you have a personality that can melt ice. All in all, you’re one pretty sharp babe; now’s the time, more than ever, that you need to believe in yourself. You’ve got spunk and spirit— you’re a complicated woman. Although things haven’t always turned out the way you hoped, and you’ve made mistakes, you’ve learnt from them. And while you may have luxuriated in the time you’ve spent in Singles Lane with your adored cat Miffy (who’s outlived all your relationships), you’ve had enough of life as a dating

Relationships_pages

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page 13

Gearing up for the Love-Adventure

13

maverick, flip-flopping between unspectacular romances. You’re reaching the end of this particular road. You’re keen for the keys of the kingdom, to access the kind of relationship you’ve always wanted, the kind you’ve always imagined but which so far has eluded you. In a nutshell, you’re feeling that the single phase has dragged on for long enough and you’re just a tad concerned that things are never gonna change. You want pity? We’re not even gonna go there, honey! You’re a smart girl and what you need is a plan. And like any good plan, you’ll need to have some sturdy foundations in place. That requires paying close attention to the following pages to make certain your head and your heart are ready to make the leap from singledom to coupledom. The idea is to get your romantic passport ready to deliver a meaningful collaboration (and some regular hot ’n’ heavy action) with someone you really like.

The psychosexual whirl of a Love-Adventure If there’s one thing that I’ve learnt in my role as poster girl for the single generation (blah blah blah . . .) it’s that the life you lead as The Single You is of the greatest importance when it comes to the quality of the relationship you end up in. There are a billion reasons you can find yourself caught up in the whirl of a Love-Adventure—and I’m here to warn you not all of them are good. You could be heading for a wrong turn if you don’t know what makes you happy, or if you haven’t put any particular thought into what you’re looking for in the relationship stakes. It’s a fact that when you become involved for the wrong reasons you end up unfulfilled and frustrated.

Relationships_pages

14

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page 14

Relationships That Rock!

What are the wrong reasons? Desperation? So you can say you’re with someone? Fear of missing out? Ask yourself if you’re the kind of person who ends up in a relationship because—wait for it—you can’t stand your own life. Be honest now. And always remember this Golden Rule—if your selfesteem is low, it’s impossible to truly love another person. Likewise, if you don’t feel you have anything to offer, you’re not going to be putting your best foot forward the way you would if you were active, dynamic, interesting and independent—these are the ingredients that combine to make you an irresistible partner. So if all you’re thinking about is, When is Mr Right gonna turn up?, you could be selling yourself short. The moral of this story is: you won’t be ready for love until you’re complete within yourself. If it’s a healthy, happy relationship you’re after, you’re going to need to do some ‘housekeeping’ first. Forget about your dominatrix shoes and come-hither luscious lipgloss—our first challenge is to ensure that you’re preparing your Lurve Rocket for take-off from the right launch pad. You’re a catch, honey, and with the right focus you’ll be grooving out of the single lane and into the love lane in no time at all.

Ready to progress from romantic wannabe to power broker? One of the easiest traps to fall into when you stumble out into Relationshipland is to kid yourself that a romance will solve your life problems. If you’re feeling bored, lonely, that you’re missing out on the crazy all-night parties well, hey presto— a new bloke and his vast network of buddies will sort all that. Or you’re unhappy with yourself—emotionally, spiritually,

Relationships_pages

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page 15

Gearing up for the Love-Adventure

15

intellectually—but you’re convinced that the glowing attention of Mr Anyman will send your insecurities scurrying away. Right? Wrong!! A sense of security might set in for those first few dizzying weeks when you’re high on the rush of new love and the problems do kinda disappear. But guess what? It’s only false security; those problems will come rushing back, and when they do you’re back to square one. You may have found that your looks, tastes and personality swung around within the relationship until one day you suddenly realised you had no idea of what you wanted to do. You no longer knew your own taste in music, hobbies, or even what you wanted to watch on TV—you were A Girlfriend, not A Person. It’s so easy to get lost in a relationship—it’s a trap that most of us fall into at some time or another—but you can change the habit. It just takes time and a concentrated dose of self-work. Depression and confusion fall away as you start to define yourself. Let’s do a Love-Challenge test to see where you’re at. You’ll need to rate yourself in each of the following areas. Try to be objective and honest with yourself. Let’s take it from the top. Grab a pen and notepad and answer the questions in Quiz 3.

FQuiz 3: Love-Challenge 1. Do you know what you want from your romantic future? Do you have a clear vision for your life and relationship? Can you visualise your perfect life in loads of detail that feels quite real and keeps you motivated in your search for it? 2. Do you know what your relationship requirements are? Are you prepared to live by a written list of at least ten non-negotiable requirements that you’ll

Relationships_pages

16

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page 16

Relationships That Rock! use for screening potential partners? Are you clear that if any are missing, a relationship will not work for you? 3. Are you happy and successful being single? Do you enjoy your life, work, family, friends, and your own company? Are you living the life you want rather than seeking a relationship out of desperation and need? Have you achieved any of the goals you set as a single person? Do you feel emotionally satisfied with where you’re at? 4. Are you ready and available for commitment? Have you rid yourself of any emotional or legal baggage from a previous relationship? Does your schedule, commitments and lifestyle allow you the time and freedom to build a new relationship? Can you express your emotions freely? Can you honestly say you have achieved closure with your feelings for your ex? 5. Are you satisfied with your career? Is your work fulfilling? Does it support your lifestyle? Does it allow you time for a new relationship? 6. Are you healthy in mind, body and spirit? Does your physical, mental or emotional health allow you to have the life and relationship that you want? Are you reasonably happy and generally positive? Are you dealing with any addictions or self-destructive habits that you have? 7. Is your financial and legal business under control? Have you rid yourself of any financial or legal complications that would interfere with having the life and relationship that you want?

Relationships_pages

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page 17

Gearing up for the Love-Adventure

17

8. Are your family relationships functional? Do your relationships with your children, ex, siblings, parents or extended family contribute to you having the life and relationship that you want? 9. Do you have effective dating skills? Do you initiate contact with people you want to meet, and keep a broad, open mind about all the different kinds of romantic potentials? Are you aware of your physical and emotional boundaries? 10. Do you have effective relationship skills? Are you comfortable with your sexuality and with intimacy? Have you had positive experiences from past relationships? Can you maintain closeness and intimacy? 11. Do you avoid hoping that a partner will come along and ‘rescue’ you from your life? 12. Do you feel that you’ve transformed yourself into pretty good relationship material? 13. Do you feel that you have that something special to offer a mate?

Okay, how many of these questions did you say ‘yes’ to? Only five or six? You need to work on your emotional situation! Otherwise the state you’re in could well interfere with the success of your next relationship. You’re still at the stage where you need to spend more time developing a stronger foundation during your singles phase. If you honestly said yes, or ‘almost’ yes, to ten of the above you’re doing well. Yay you! You’re on your way to being a successful relationship participator. You’re a survivor who hasn’t let life’s curliest challenges stunt your growth. Hopefully you’ve toughened up

Relationships_pages

6/30/04

4:07 PM

18

Page 18

Relationships That Rock!

a bit about what doesn’t work for you and you’re on a clearer path to what will work for you. Keep in mind that as a singleton you’re a bit of a wild card. You can’t predict what’s going to happen on the love-front so it’s useful to think about all the possibilities. There are many approaches to relationships—and each one depends on your mindset and what you’re looking for at the time. You might decide that you’re all romanced out for the moment, you’re low on emotional juice and you ain’t ready for anything too heavy right now. If that’s the case, you shouldn’t be ashamed of it. It’s your decision and your prerogative. Trust your instincts—you know what’s best for you, so don’t be bullied by family or friends into hurtling into something that’s going to suck more energy than you’re up for at the minute. Keep in mind that you can still have sparkling male company without the romance, if for no other reason than the sheer thrill of reminding yourself of the fact that, yes, you are a spunky woman, damn it. There are a variety of ways to approach the ‘I’m not looking for anything too serious right now’ school of thought. To get the ball rolling you need to get your pen out and answer the questions in Quiz 4.

FQuiz 4: Defining yourself 1. How would I describe myself? I’m a fancy-free, independent W-O-M-A-N who wants to go out as much as possible, meet loads and loads of people and along the way hook up with someone I really like. 2. What do I want in the romantic stakes? I don’t want the pressure of a romance but I would like my ego stroked from time to time. A few compliments wouldn’t go

Relationships_pages

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page 19

Gearing up for the Love-Adventure

19

astray. I want to be in a happy, platonic relationship which may or may not lead to romance down the track. 3. How will I get there? I will go out as much as possible; I’ll expand my social network; I’ll aim to meet new people and develop some challenging interests along the way.

Really think about your responses to these questions— it’s all this thinking and writing things down that helps get new ideas and inspirations out of your head and into reality. If you don’t write your thoughts down, they’ll just keep going around in circles and there’ll never be any space in your head for new thoughts!

Vodka and chocolate therapy One of the obstacles that can slow you down when it comes to all this love stuff is emotional baggage—it’s a pain. It hinders your progress and clashes with your confidence. That’s why our next job is to establish that you’re not carrying any. How do you ever know that you are truly over any past relationship? Part of the secret is in learning how to apply some advanced bouncing-back methods and assailing heartbreak with speedy efficiency. Imagine if every disappointing date or floundering fling saw you hit the departure lounge with a shopping bag of woes and unresolved issues; by the time you fell into the arms of Mr Right you’d be exhausted. The heartache of break-up pain may not get any easier but to rush into a new emotional attachment is the worst approach you can take. Post-break-up is a time when you really need to give yourself the chance to heal and breathe again. If you’re genuinely not over the break-up, you need to set a time frame to

Relationships_pages

20

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page 20

Relationships That Rock!

allow the grieving process to kick in. If you want to get results, you will need to do some forward planning. Once you’re done with the back-to-back chick-flicks, the chocolate and vodka therapy, you should feel ready to follow these steps: 1. Acceptance Don’t patch your sadness up—live it, get it out of the way and create your own closure ceremony to achieve finalisation. 2. Assessment Be critical—look at the entire emotional journey, where you’ve been and where you’re at emotionally. 3. Analysis Write down the details of any baggage you’re still carrying from that relationship. Remember—without letting go, you won’t stand a chance of grasping the ‘life overhaul’ thing. 4. Strategising Develop a new support squad to ease you out of your wallowing stage and into your cool new life. Figure out your own set of rules and work out where they’ll fall.

Right. Let’s take a moment to find out how you’re faring in the Letting Go stakes. Cast your mind back to that last relationship—did it leave you nursing a machete-wound to the heart? If so, tick the box in Quiz 5 next to the statement which accurately describes the way you feel. For each statement that’s true, join the dots within the heart on page 22.

Relationships_pages

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page 21

Gearing up for the Love-Adventure

FQuiz 5: Letting Go 1. You’re still calling him—just to hear . . . uh, his voicemail. 2. You believe it didn’t work out because you weren’t good enough or that you messed up in some way. 3. You still obsess over the ins and outs of what went wrong. 4. You would have an anxiety attack if you ran into him on the street. 5. You feel physically ill at the thought of him being with someone else. 6. You feel that if you’d just done a few things differently things might have worked out. 7. You’re convinced that no man will ever live up to him. 8. He’s still the one who springs to mind anytime you hear a soppy love song. 9. You still spend wine-soaked evenings with the knives out assassinating his personality and the size of his parts to your friends. 10. Your current goal in the romance stakes would be to turn up at to his work with a six-foot Swedish male model on your arm.

21

Relationships_pages

22

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page 22

Relationships That Rock!

Relationships_pages

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page 23

Gearing up for the Love-Adventure

23

And . . . the answer’s right here in front of you . . . The number of dots you joined directly indicates how far you’ve come in getting over this guy. No joins at all? Congratulations! You’ve just been given the green light to head to the next section. You’re halfway there with 0–5 joins, but that doesn’t mean you can head off without attending to what needs fixing. On the other hand, 6 and above means you’re still sporting a broken heart. Now’s the time to grab the bull by the horns and kick-start the process of getting over this guy— pronto. The good news is you’ve already made the first major step. Picking up this book means the process has been initiated. You’re advanced enough to appreciate that grieving is a process that you can ACTIVELY work through. Refer to my first book, Get Over It!, if you’re in a place where you need more time spent on recovery tips, but in the meantime here’s what you can do to cleanse your soul for once ’n’ for all.

How to get over it NOW! 1. Sit down and write him a letter. Explain every way in which he let you down, ripped you off and wrenched out your heart. Now—and here’s the important thing— DO NOT send it. Fold it up and place it in a special box labelled ‘Over It!’. Keep it there for one week before you take it out and burn it in a special ceremony. 2. Pack up every photograph, every letter, every stinky sock and every hairball that he ever left in your life and place

Relationships_pages

24

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page 24

Relationships That Rock! it in the same box, high out of reach. Now have a springclean. It’s a new phase and you need a clean slate to work with.

3. Warning—before you do this one you need to lock your bedroom door so the flatmates don’t have you committed. Okay, now you’re ready, have it out with an imaginary him—represented by four piled pillows. Crank up your stereo and do to those pillows what you’d love to do to him. Punch, scream, swear and bite. Get it all out of your system. Attagirl! 4. Let yourself hit rock-bottom but—and this is important— only for one hour. Put on That Song, the one that makes you want to burst into tears whenever you hear it and, you know what, just wallow. Time yourself. And when the hour’s up, have a shower, put on some fresh clothes, call a friend and tell them it’s official—you’re done with wallowing. 5. Pick yourself up and write a list of all the POSITIVES about going out with him in the first place. That’s everything you’ve learnt and anything that has changed in your life for the good, thanks to that relationship.

Relationships_pages

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page 25

3

Big Girls Don’t Cry—they move on It’s important to realise that when you’re recovering from a major life blow—and boy there are plenty—there are certain stages you go through, ranging from murderous rage to hell and desperate denial. And as much as you can feel like a love zombie when you reach the all-time low where you’re too miserable to even look for the remote to change the TV channel, it’s important to realise that this is a healthy, normal and necessary part of the grieving process. What’s not normal is if you get stuck in any one stage for too long. The goal to keep in mind is that eventually you’ll reach the point where you’ve got your self-esteem back and you’re thinking normally—that is, your ex is no longer the Devil and you no longer imagine yourself a worthless lump! Life and everything in it has wobbled back into a balanced perspective, and you’re ready to tackle the world once again. But if you haven’t regained your perspective, and you’re

Relationships_pages

6/30/04

4:07 PM

26

Page 26

Relationships That Rock!

seriously stuck in a particular phase in your grief, it’s time to take action.

Vixen or victim GOOD

dealing-with-it strategies

A

Allowing yourself to experience the gamut of grieving emotions, from anger to misery.

A

Concluding that it wasn’t meant to be, and that it broke down for a series of reasons.

BAD

dealing-with-it strategies

A

Burying the pain, not dealing with it, not talking about it.

A

Sinking another step deeper into desperation mode— you’re never going to find anyone.

A

Rebounding headlong into another relationship.

Emotional therapy The longer you remain unattached, the more your confidence can disintegrate—if you let it. Likewise, if you’re not careful, you can erode your self-esteem. The situations that signal major changes in your mood are generally the big ones, the life events. It may be leaving your old job, being made redundant, ending a broken-down relationship, moving

Relationships_pages

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page 27

Big Girls Don’t Cry—they move on

27

cities, experiencing death or illness in the family or having severe financial difficulties. If any of these biggies have affected you in the past you’re going to need some emotional therapy. Let the healing begin, and remember . . .

A

Anger is healthy; sometimes you’ve just got to let it all out.

A

Try methods of relaxation that work for you, including chicken soup.

A

Don’t be afraid to spend some time alone, recuperating, reading, detoxing, sleeping, exercising and just breathing.

A

Invest in your emotional health; it’s hard to go past a bubble bath and a hot chocolate.

A

Time with a counsellor can be incredibly valuable—you need a sympathetic ear, not someone who will be judgmental (and as much as we love our pals, it’s hard for them to be unbiased).

A

Understanding the condition means you can conquer it and move on.

If some heavy blows have shattered your self-confidence . . . Everyone’s been through a low self-esteem phase at some point. It’s a killer. And it’s a gradual thing, a usually slow but

Relationships_pages

28

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page 28

Relationships That Rock!

consistent loss of self-belief. The bust-up from hell will do it every time. You’ll know you have it if you’re experiencing mood swings at full force 24/7, especially if the only way you can think of keeping yourself and the members of society safe is to batten down the hatches, strap yourself in and prepare to ride it out. If this sounds familiar, it’s likely you have a form of depression. I remember when I had depression. I’d been single for a while but I don’t think it was specifically due to that—more a combination of moving house, jobs and cities. I found it hard to make friends when I returned to Sydney as a single girl—and being in such a big and busy city didn’t help. It made me feel incredibly lonely. It was when I dropped my bundle at work that I finally acknowledged something was wrong. I decided it was time to see a counsellor I’d heard about through a friend. Within the first ten minutes I was drowning in a sea of tears. She passed me the ubiquitous box of tissues and asked how I felt. I thought it was pretty obvious, what with the tears running down my cheeks as I gasped for air— but I told her. It was a simple enough story. Up until then, I’d always rung my mum on the weekends—religiously. I did it because I craved it and talking to her always makes me feel good. But on one particular weekend I couldn’t for the life of me bring myself to ring her. I was worried about sounding way too down in the dumps, that she would ask what was wrong and I’d freak out. After a week or two of not calling, keeping it all in was practically killing me. I remember one night as I was walking home from work when it just hit me out of the blue—this horrible thought, Was I depressed? You betcha. Did

Relationships_pages

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page 29

Big Girls Don’t Cry—they move on

29

it take me forever to realise it? Oh yeah. What started as a nagging feeling developed into a full-blown anxiety attack that had the power to physically stop me leaving my house for any other reason than going to work. I realised I desperately needed to talk to someone who wouldn’t judge me. Once I told the counsellor my story she nodded wisely and told me something I needed to hear. It was so weird to hear her say those words out loud, but there they were: ‘You have a form of depression’—talk about an oops! moment. And now in hindsight I can see how critical it was to be told that, because it made me realise I didn’t want to be depressed! Why should I? I had my health and people who loved me only a plane ride away. When I stopped and thought about it, I realised that my depression was really about simple things, like the job, which ate my brain, and a lack of warm, fuzzy friends in a new city, and that both these scenarios were definitely fixable. These were circumstances that were in my control. I could and would change them and radically improve my situation. I didn’t go back and see the counsellor after that one visit, but I did get fired up enough to find a new job. I also started writing my first book, Get Over It!, which gave me an incredible sense of purpose and unearthed deep reserves of courage, but just as importantly involved interviewing tonnes of amazing girls, and making loads of new friends in the process. The big lesson was that it’s much easier to unravel a depression if you understand the specific cause of it. Depression is made up of psychological and biological elements—I was depressed simply because I was overwhelmed. I had an immense amount of pressure at work and I didn’t have anyone to go home and talk about it with at

Relationships_pages

6/30/04

4:07 PM

30

Page 30

Relationships That Rock!

the end of the day. Letting things stew in my head only served to make it a hundred times worse. Only when I sat down and sorted out the specific causes did it become possible to deal with it.

What does it mean to have low self-esteem? If you’re in the midst of a confidence crisis it can be hard trying to envisage the good stuff, and pretty damn impossible remembering how to make yourself feel good, so you do need to get proactive and figure out what boosts your selfesteem—independent of being with a man. Perhaps you need an Esteem-Clean. Answer true or false to each of the statements in Quiz 6, and then chart out your answers on the diagram on p. 32. Then go to the outcomes to evaluate your self-esteem.

FQuiz 6: Esteem-Clean 1. When I meet somebody who’s super-confident, funny or the life of the party, it makes me feel inadequate by comparison. True/False 2. I find it hard to look people in the eyes when I’m talking to them. True/False 3. I often spend hours agonising over something really dumb I’ve said in a conversation. True/False 4. I’m often comparing myself to other people—and I usually come up short. True/False 5. I spend a lot of time criticising and bitching about others. True/False

Relationships_pages

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page 31

31

Big Girls Don’t Cry—they move on 6. I tend to view people in terms of being superior, or inferior, to me. True/False 7. I’m often regretting decisions I’ve made, things I’ve said and things I’ve done. True/False 8. If somebody criticises me I can’t help but take it deeply personally. True/False 9. I find it difficult to accept a compliment.

True/False

10. I tend to find myself often thinking about the negatives of a situation. True/False 11. I’m often feeling guilty about something I have or haven’t done. True/False 12. I’m always apologising to people.

True/False

13. I feel like I’m often getting the short end of the stick. True/False 14. When I’m in social situations I feel insecure and unsure of how to act. True/False

Relationships_pages

32

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page 32

Relationships That Rock!

Outcome 1 You’re so sorted in the self-esteem department it could be YOU writing this section. You don’t need anyone to tell you that

Relationships_pages

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page 33

Big Girls Don’t Cry—they move on

33

you’ve got it goin’ on—that’s one major hurdle you can cross off your To Do list.

Outcome 2 Like most of us, you waver between feeling the rock star and the sad tag-along groupie. Which is perfectly normal. Just remember, it’s YOU who’s writing this script, so if you prefer to be brimming with rock-star pizzazz, you can, if you make it that way. Read on for how . . .

Outcome 3 Your self-esteem is so seriously waterlogged it’s a wonder you’re able to stay afloat! Why so hard on poor old You? Have you forgotten how incredibly clever, kind and switched-on you are? It’s time to update the Loser ID to one that’s more fitted to the super cool babe you really are. Seriously though, it sounds as though you need to invest some time in a four-step esteem-booster master plan which will include attention to the physical, the emotional, the intellectual and the spiritual. Make time for yoga, beach walks, a new hairdo, revamped wardrobe, positive affirmations and soul-searching to spring into the new you. I know I’ve said it before but it’s super-important so I will say it again—if you’re not feeling positive about yourself, you’re more likely to be ambushed by the wrong love match because of your fear of being alone. If on the other hand you’re in control and self-contained, you’ve got far less chance of getting to the stage where you crave the company of a man so much that you find yourself dropping your standards. It’s a warning sign if your date is a serial killer!

Relationships_pages

34

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page 34

Relationships That Rock!

Serious ways of boosting faltering self-esteem A

Fake it Inhale, head up, stomach in, shoulders back— from this point onwards you’re going to stand tall and look people in the eye as though you genuinely believe that you are a Very Important Person. Incredibly, our brains are such that when we feel ourselves acting a certain way, we perceive this to be the way we are. In other words: act like you’re fab and you’ll soon start believing it.

A

Quit the self-doubt When you’re suffering from low selfesteem you’re fostering a low opinion of yourself. Yet studies have shown that people with high self-esteem often have no more in the way of achievements or qualities—they simply have faith in themselves. Vow to love yourself for WHO YOU ARE from this day forward. You’ll have to make a conscious effort to do away with the self-doubt and self-criticism. It’s time to start a selfsupport encouragement program. Think positive thoughts. Repeat after me: I’m smart, I’m cool, I’m popular to boot . . .

A

Write it down Clearly you’ve had a temporary memory relapse so WRITE DOWN all the great things you’ve ever done or achieved. Remember what makes you a living legend. Don’t forget to include your special qualities, precious moments and, most importantly, every compliment anyone has ever given you.

Relationships_pages

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page 35

Big Girls Don’t Cry—they move on

35

A

Do something you’ve been putting off It’s always easier to put off phoning that long-neglected friend or paying that bloody bill than actually doing it, but keep in mind that all procrastination does is chip away further at your self-esteem. Grab the bull by the horns and get moving on something that you’ve been neglecting to do forever.

A

Treat yourself Do something just for you. It may seem superficial to think that a new nail colour can boost your whole self-image, but it does help, you know.

A

Be productive Being busy and seeing tangible results for your efforts can do wonders for your self-esteem.

By fussing over the External You, you’re sending a clear message to the Internal You that you’re worth it. You’re special. Book yourself in for that haircut—to hell with it, book yourself in for the works.

Snappy ways of dealing with bad days A

Plant some seeds and grow your own vegetable garden.

A

Check out your local comedy venue.

A

Go to a Gaelic club or pub to watch the Irish footy.

A

Videotape yourself making the speech of your life.

A

Go to the markets and prepare a feast.

Relationships_pages

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page 36

36

Relationships That Rock!

A

Explore a historical or significant area near you—on foot.

A

Write the outline for a screenplay describing the life you’ve always wanted.

A

Take a power walk in the sunshine—remember, sunlight causes the release of endorphins in the brain, not to mention what exercise does, so bring it on!

A

Take a drive with the windows down and the stereo pumped.

A

Have a guilt-free sloth day. Curl up in bed with a pile of trashy mags and languish.

A

Spend one hour doing a life re-evaluation. Everything ticking over nicely? Still on track to becoming the unstoppable power-babe you plan to be?

A

Spend 20 minutes stretching and flexing every muscle in your body, right down to your toes.

A

Sit down with a sketchpad and draw your heart out. Modern art paved the way for amateurs—who says it can’t be a masterpiece??

A

Write a song/poem or a story.

A

Make a new friend or rekindle an old friendship.

A

Get out and do some action sports.

A

Read up on your role models or find some new ones.

Relationships_pages

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page 37

Big Girls Don’t Cry—they move on

37

A

Found a fundraiser.

A

Set out to make a record in the Guinness Book of Records.

A

Do something for someone else.

A

Plan a trip/holiday alone.

A

Go online; you can find anything and everything you ever wanted on the Internet.

Mad can be fun. Wallowing is just plain dangerous Loneliness, despair and a sense of hopelessness can haunt you for a long, long time after a relationship has ended when you’re gazing into what seems the abyss of your romantic future. Having the right attitude and working with an emotional schedule will speed up the healing process, as will living in the solution, not the problem. Take the pain and use it. And always remember the Big Four: A

A A A

Being able to deal with feeling ‘alone’ is part of the human condition. We all experience it. We do get over it and bounce back. We all try again.

This is a time when sexual behaviour issues can flare up . . . No matter where you’re at in your life right now, everybody, even the sickeningly perfect Hollywood lovebirds, Brad and Jen, have crap days. Days when you wonder what the point

Relationships_pages

6/30/04

38

4:07 PM

Page 38

Relationships That Rock!

is—and not having the temporary fix of a manly chest to nuzzle makes things worse. It’s more important than ever to have ways and means of getting through the tough times alone. It’s easy to have weird, self-destructive thoughts that play havoc with your mind, when you convince yourself you’re a social outcast. Feelings of being unlovable and many other negative and damaging thoughts go with the territory. This is a phase when most of us are experiencing celibacy. That means there’s a possibility of the hormones raging out of control, which can lead to the next thing—random shagging. A word of warning though—if you find yourself fantasising about a wild drought-breaker with a stranger, you might want to tread carefully. There’s a very real chance that it could have an extremely negative impact on your already depleted selfesteem—particularly if it’s at an all-time low.

The solution It’s essential to recharge the batteries of your self-assurance before you even so much as think about finding a partner— whether short term or long term. Right now you need to be concentrating on building up your physical, psychological and emotional reserves. This means taking a reality check when it comes to one-night stands and drunken sex—neither is helpful when you’re wounded. Tackle those intimacy problems before you step out on the town for a crazy night that turns into the sexual fling from hell. You might be hopelessly hungry for affection, but don’t try to get it from a drunk, womanising, serial shagger—it’ll only leave you all the more wounded. Right now you need to focus on taking the crucial steps towards rebuilding your self-confidence. Once you’ve started, you’ll gradually be able to turn your life right back

Relationships_pages

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page 39

Big Girls Don’t Cry—they move on

39

around to the days when you were confident about the idea of having a lover. Remember these points before you even as much as think about taking on a sex-buddy or a onenight stand: A A

A A

A

You need to work through your self-esteem crisis. Lack of sexual self-confidence, and sexual anxieties, are symptoms of depression. The key is taking it step by step. One day at a time. Casual sex can be a no-go danger-zone if you are in this frame of mind. You are vulnerable . . . and you don’t need to be exploited by the man you picked up a few hours earlier who may be, worst case scenario: a) drunk, b) disinterested, c) an arrogant, sleazy prick.

The next step The point I’m making is that you can’t move on emotionally unless you feel good about yourself—mind, body and soul. That means reprogramming your confidence to help create the mindset for your relationship journey.

Relationships_pages

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page 40

4

Repackaging yourself for the singles market You might think the expression ‘repackaging yourself ’ is a bit crass, but it’s not. It’s practical and realistic and you’re going to need all the advantages you can get if you want to meet someone. The bottom line is you’ll enjoy putting yourself out there if you’re oozing self-confidence—it tells the world you’re a gal with loads to offer. One of the most efficient ways of expressing yourself is via flirting. Flirting means that you are comfortable with yourself, and that includes accepting your weight, your curves and your wobbly bits—that’s how you exude body confidence. Learn to love your imperfections—just don’t share them with the world. They’re yours and there’s no need to draw attention to them. You can’t flirt to your full potential if body issues are cramping your style and you won’t radiate feel-good vibes if you’re cringing in your body. It will not work if you’re in your ‘I can’t leave the house I’m too fat for all my clothes’

Relationships_pages

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page 41

Repackaging yourself for the singles market

41

zone. Since flirting comes essentially from a state of mind, it’s difficult to carry off if you’re having a fat day or a bad-face day. You have to feel good! That’s really important. You have to love what you’re putting out there despite your flaws. You have to be convinced that, overall, you’re one hell of a girl. Regardless of whether you’re doing it to feel good or stay in shape, the fact is any form of physical exercise will help you connect with your body, whatever shape or size you are— so what are you waiting for?

What boys like It’s amazing what you find when you delve into what guys find attractive—they’re not all after a stereotype, you know. What boys love about babes covers a gazillion-and-one different things, ranging from a freckle behind a knee to a huge butt, but at the end of the day it’s about our physical difference—men are hard, women are soft. We’ve been brainwashed for years to believe we have to be a ‘stick’ to be loved, but that’s bollocks—we just have to feel sexy. Boys love the strangest things—folds of soft tummy, freshly washed hair, soft, smooth skin. It’s grossly inaccurate to think they all like the same thing—they don’t—but what they like most about us is that we’re different to them.

Accentuate your assets Focus on your most wonderful assets and don’t be shy about drawing attention to them. Often the hottest women are not so much physically superior as they are smarter and savvier when it comes to highlighting the parts they want you to notice. And everybody has some attribute they can use to turn a man to jelly. If you walk out the door thinking how slinky

Relationships_pages

42

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page 42

Relationships That Rock!

your hips look in those pants (rather than how non-existent your chest looks in that top) that’s the message you’re projecting and it’s what people will notice. Even the most innocuous feature can be sexy, something you may never have thought of playing up but which can be lethal when it’s unleashed. So if you’ve got a beautiful neck, pile your hair up and show it off!

Banish nervousness, ooze confidence There’s a few things that can really throw a spanner in the works when you’re trying to dazzle: nervousness, self-doubt and awkwardness. These are the arch-enemies of flirting. How are you supposed to ooze sssexy when you’re knocking over drinks and bursting into shrieks of nervous laughter at the news that he’s a gynaecologist? When you’re with somebody you’re keen to impress, the adrenaline flows. In fact, adrenaline in small quantities is mandatory for a sparkly, sexually charged interaction.

Techniques for keeping calm and casual A

Remind yourself that he’s nervous too. It’s not just you under the microscope. So why not do a little high resolution examination of him and his behaviour instead of obsessing about yours?

A

Let yourself off the hook. So what if you’re uptight, or uncomfortable? If you’re trembling from head to foot and knock red wine all over his lap? Worse things can

Relationships_pages

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page 43

Repackaging yourself for the singles market

43

happen. Everyone’s nervous at times. Deal with it and try to make a joke of it. A

At the end of the day he’ll either like you or he won’t. If you find yourself holding a viewpoint about something that he disagrees with, it’s not going to determine whether or not he finds you an interesting, attractive person. And if it does, it’s his loss!

A

Remember this is supposed to be fun! It’s okay to show you’re interested in everything he says and laugh appreciatively at his jokes. You’re here for a good time —remember?

A

Date more, more, more! The more you date, the more you’ll become an old hand at it and the less you’ll feel that you’re in a do-or-die situation. If you can approach it with a sense of fun, you might actually come to—gasp, shock horror—enjoy it . . . Another day, another evening of adoring male attention.

Confident conversation Studies have found that successful socialisers keep their conversations energetic and upbeat, give longer answers to questions, ask more questions and offer more information about themselves without being prompted. The worst mistake you can make if you’re feeling nervous or uncomfortable is to hold back and bite your tongue for fear of making an ass of yourself. Who cares if you say the wrong thing or laugh too much? You’re better off babbling away

Relationships_pages

6/30/04

4:07 PM

44

Page 44

Relationships That Rock!

and being a slightly goofy and charmingly nervous version of you than a poker-faced not-you with nothing to offer the conversational raft. And remember, if you offer something—an interesting tit-bit, or a vaguely personal piece of information—it’s the cue for him to do the same. If all else fails, ask questions, listen to his answers, and respond accordingly.

Love the skin you’re in It is difficult to go out and have the time of your life when you’re not feeling 100 per cent. We all go through our own versions of fat days or bad-hair days, and knowing you’re not looking your best can play tricks with your confidence—it’s hard to shine when you’re feeling mediocre. So the moral of the story is, do put the effort into how you feel and look before you go out. If you’re feeling lousy you’ll exude that feeling—if you’re not, you won’t. Sure, we all get lazy from time to time—we’re not Kylie Minogue, we tell ourselves— and when we’re not putting ourselves in the glare of the public spotlight it’s okay to let things slip. But when you’re heading for a bar with an immaculately groomed pal who’s looking as fresh as a summer breeze, you’ll be doing your selfimage a tremendous favour by making every effort to be just as well groomed. If you’re exfoliated, manicured, moisturised and waxed to within an inch of your life, you’ll feel sexy from within. Just because you’re not seeing someone is no excuse for being a slouch over hair or skin maintenance, dental work or anything else that helps you feel sexually alive. You don’t have to look like a supermodel but it does help if your appearance reveals a clean, shiny haired, well-organised, fully function-

Relationships_pages

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page 45

Repackaging yourself for the singles market

45

ing human being. Sparkly hygiene and silky lingerie give you the secret knowledge that you’re ready for anything should the opportunity present itself. Remember, the point about your looks is to let your cheerful personality shine through—not the other way round! That’s where flirting comes into it. This friend of mine Charlotte is a really voluptuous girl— huge chest and bum. She could feel awkward about her size but she doesn’t and she’s incredibly attractive. She’s the kind of person who you’ll be talking to and she’ll start stretching into the downward dog pose—she’s a yoga fanatic—she’s just so comfortable with her size and her body. And because of that she’s really sexy. Abi, 35

Brainpower flirt-bomb Your flirting technique says a lot about you. I’ve seen girls flirt the roof off with nothing more than a sassy smile and a kickass opinion on rugby. It’s interesting too, because one thing I’ve picked up from my seduction and flirting seminars is that there’s a perception out there that flirting is for brainless bimbos. It’s not—it’s a fascinating way to connect without words. And it’s for smart girls, really smart girls. Sure, there are silly over-the-top signals we’ve all been taught to send out— a flutter of the lashes, the infamous sideways glance, the welltimed stroke of a phallic wineglass stem accompanied by the slow, lethal lick of the lips. We’ve all seen it in the movies, read about it, we all know a femme fatale when we see one, but that doesn’t mean we have

Relationships_pages

46

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page 46

Relationships That Rock!

the remotest interest in carrying on this way—if you’re like me, you’ll just look as if you’ve got something in your eye when you try to bat your lashes! Some flirting techniques are so over the top you’d be likely to end up in an asylum if you tried too many of them at the one time—can you picture yourself pouting, preening and looking for phallic objects to stroke? Maybe it’s just me, but I’d like to think the force of my personality will come through and save the day. Having said that, I’ve been called a Big Flirt more times than I care to remember—but that’s my personality, it’s who I am, it’s super-natural and it’s friendly. It’s an invitation for someone to come play. It’s stimulating, it’s harmless and you can practise on your dog at home. If I’m with a guy I like, I’ll happily go the extra mile and do the hand on the thigh, the extended eye-contact, the toothy smile, all basic innocuous stuff, but it’s fun. It gets a great response, even if you’re using it simply to convey the right message when words fail you. If you know you’ve got a great smile—use it. Sexual flirting, on the other hand, says kiss me, lick me, play with me. Think miles of smiles, teeth, hair flicks and flesh. Remember though, it’s a fine line between sexy and vulgar. The Modern Single Girl is sexy, never vulgar. There’s no need to whip your top off or gyrate on the tabletop at every opportunity. This is meant to be light and breezy fun, not soft porn. There are dozens of books and tips out there on the art of flirting so we don’t need to go into too much detail here, but what I will say is that dating should be fun, and a huge part of that fun is flirting.

Relationships_pages

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page 47

Repackaging yourself for the singles market

47

Flirting starts with the real basics A

Sweetly scented breath—don’t eat a big sloppy curry before your date! Do a breath sniff test before you leave the house.

A

Brush your teeth, wash your hair, do a dandruff test and scrub your nails.

A

Eat fresh salads before you go out (hold the onion), strawberries, pineapple and/or sip peppermint tea.

A

Order and eat sexy foods during the date (no spag bol tonight please). Nibble slowly on a banana, suck a mango daiquiri slowly through a straw, lick a strawberry double-dipped in chocolate, suck the juice out of a crayfish claw, devour fresh prawns and oysters.

FQuiz 7: Are you workin’ it? How good are you? When you meet a potential partner, does he become putty in your hands? Or do you feel you’re playing a game where you don’t know the rules? Circle the answer which best describes how you would respond to each situation, and discover how good you are at the art of flirting. 1. A good-looking guy catches your eye across a crowded bar. You respond by: (a) Looking his way again, and this time catching it for longer. (b) Feeling flattered but pretending not to have noticed. (c) Cringing with embarrassment and keeping your eyes firmly on your girlfriend.

Relationships_pages

48

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page 48

Relationships That Rock! 2. Perfect Man has now moved closer into your vicinity. You: (a) Pretend not to notice and continue feigning interest in your girlfriend’s conversation. (b) Glance at him again to encourage his interest. (c) Look directly at him and this time give him a subtle smile. 3. Not much has happened and it seems he’s given up. You: (a) Resolve to walk on up there and kick-start this conversation yourself. (b) Come to the conclusion he’s lost interest. (c) Scope him out and hope this time he notices you looking. 4. Aha! He approaches you. In the ensuing conversation you will: (a) Play it cool. You’ll respond to his conversation by directing your responses at your girlfriend until he’s proved his worth. (b) Make polite small talk but struggle for deeper conversation. You don’t even know him. (c) Turn to face him, look him directly in the eye and be super-friendly, interested and smiley. 5. You find this guy super-attractive. When it comes to physical contact, you: (a) Don’t touch him at all at this stage. (b) Are inclined to touch his arm lightly as you make a point. (c) Playfully push or lightly punch him if it’s a humorous exchange. 6. As far as eye contact goes, you now: (a) Avoid his eyes. (b) Use more eye contact than usual. (c) Use loads of eye contact—you can scarcely keep your eyes off him.

Relationships_pages

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page 49

Repackaging yourself for the singles market

49

7. Your facial expression will most likely: (a) Alternate between attentive looks, broad smiles and laughter. (b) Be polite and interested, with shy smiles in the appropriate places. (c) Be slightly embarrassed and/or defensive. You’re less likely to smile and laugh because you’re suddenly feeling nervous and keen to impress. 8. Physically, you are now: (a) Focused on hiding your spare tyre by holding yourself in the way that makes you look slimmest (no matter that you can’t breathe!). (b) Leaning towards him, knees pointing towards him, checking your hair and fiddling with your earrings. (c) Keeping fairly closed body language with knees pointing away from him. You’re not yet comfortable with him to give everything away. 9. As far as your side of the conversation goes, you: (a) Readily disclose information about yourself without being asked and swiftly move into more personal territory. (b) Keep your answers brief and generic and don’t disclose much personal information. (c) Talk a reasonable amount but stick to facts rather than personal info. 10. As far as his side of the conversation goes, you: (a) Don’t ask many questions at all. (b) Listen intently and ask questions based on what he just said. (c) Stick to generic questions and don’t probe too deeply on any one subject.

Relationships_pages

50

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page 50

Relationships That Rock!

11. Your goal with this exchange is now to: (a) Make it a pleasant and polite groundwork conversation. Maybe he’ll ask for your number. (b) Seriously get to know him and vice versa by laughing enthusiastically and responding with great interest to what he says. Then you might ask for his number. (c) Present yourself in the best light possible by keeping cool and not appearing too eager, in the hope he’ll want to see you again. Scoring Question 1: Question 2: Question 3: Question 4: Question 5: Question 6: Question 7: Question 8: Question 9: Question 10: Question 11:

A = 7 points; B = 5 points; C = 3 points. A = 3 points; B = 5 points; C = 7 points. A = 7 points; B = 3 points; C = 5 points. A = 3 points; B = 5 points; C = 7 points. A = 3 points; B = 5 points; C = 7 points. A = 3 points; B = 5 points; C = 7 points. A = 7 points; B = 5 points; C = 3 points. A = 5 points; B = 7 points; C = 3 points. A = 7 points; B = 3 points; C = 5 points. A = 3 points; B = 7 points; C = 5 points. A = 5 points; B = 7 points; C = 3 points.

Outcomes 33–42 Ouch. You’re not giving him much to work with, are you? It would take a man of steely determination to break through the icy exterior you’re sporting which is clearly there to protect a fragile self-esteem. Remember that men, just like us, need plenty of encouragement and positive reinforcement in order to pursue us. Most are far more sensitive and unsure of themselves than you’ll ever imagine. You need to work on unleashing your inner confidence.

Relationships_pages

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page 51

Repackaging yourself for the singles market

51

43–66 When it comes to men you’re comfortable with, you can flirt with the best of them. But the intriguing stranger? You’re all sideways glances and faltering smiles. While this isn’t enough to kill his interest, you could be doing a lot more to secure it. In this day and age you can’t rely on meeting the right man by hanging out only with trusty friends, and you’re cutting off plenty of potential by erring on the safe side. You need to work on unveiling your inner seductress, so you’ll know how to shine with everyone. 67–77 Flirting is your first language! You probably gave the doctor who delivered you a cheeky wink as you slid out the birthing canal. Engaging in playful interactions is as natural to you as it comes. You know how to use your body to project your interest to the opposite sex and you orchestrate cheeky conversation like a master conductor! Ten minutes with you and most men are well and truly hooked. My friend Claire always manages to push men away within a few minutes of meeting them. She thinks it’s because they don’t like her. But how the hell are they supposed to like her when she’s giving them one-word answers, looking the other way and practically freezing them out? I know it’s because she’s insecure around men and so she’s on the defensive. But I’m not sure if she knows that. At least if she smiled and laughed that would give them some positive feedback. Rebecca, 28 Let’s do Quiz 8 and see how up to date you are on the flirto-meter.

Relationships_pages

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page 52

52

Relationships That Rock!

FQuiz 8: Flirt alert 1. Are your clothes a visual extension of who you are? Yes/No 2. Are you relaxed about being single?

Yes/No

3. Is your eating style healthy?

Yes/No

4. Are you ready for some communication coaching?

Yes/No

5. Are you confident to lead your date rather than being led? Yes/No 6. Do you know what it means if your date has dilated pupils?

Yes/No

7. Can you be more animated?

Yes/No

8. Do you have an extensive social circle?

Yes/No

9. Do you do any form of martial arts or sport to gain more body confidence?

Yes/No

10. Are you sitting and walking in a way that displays sex appeal?

Yes/No

11. Are you aware of your voice? Can you use a low, soothing voice and monitor your inflection of tone?

Yes/No

12. Have you tested your personal odour?

Yes/No

If you answered ‘no’ to more than five questions, we need to get you into the confidence lab for an overhaul.

Relationships_pages

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page 53

Repackaging yourself for the singles market

53

One thing I will say for the art of body language is that it’s a major key to understanding the opposite sex. Flirting is a language, a communication skill—one which you’ll use for the rest of your life. Learning how to be comfortable and familiar with the opposite sex is often a direct hotline to romance. Hold his gaze for a split second longer than normal and you’ll deliver a message far more powerful than words ever can. Flirting is sending the message that you’re pretty chuffed with yourself and the company you’re in. It’s a mutual egostroke, and both egos have to be stroked and poked in order to flirt successfully. When you’re flirting with a purpose in mind— that is, you want that man—it’s imperative not only that he thinks you’re a good catch—which he understands through your sexy, confident transmission—but that he feels like he’s a good catch as well. When done well, flirting shows how relaxed and comfortable you are—that in itself is verrry sexy. Q. So what’s the secret to super-flirting? A. You Gotta Feel Good! With men, a smile, good makeup and receptive body language is by far your most enticing ensemble. Leil Lowndes, How to Make Anyone Fall in Love with You

Making your date-buddy feel good A huge part of successful flirting involves how you make your accomplice feel about themselves. It’s no good swaggering around feeling fabulous if you’re not allowing anybody to share the love. It’s nice to give the impression that it’s at least in part because of him that you’re feeling so fab. Golden Rule: the EGO of both parties is central to the art of flirting. Despite

Relationships_pages

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page 54

54

Relationships That Rock!

what you think about men and their desire for conquest and the thrill of the chase, numerous studies show a different result—a man needs positive feedback in order to continue pursuing a woman. He also needs to think the woman is one hell of a catch. That’s where the subtle teasing and ‘playing hard to get’ comes into it. Bottom line is he needs positive, enthusiastic, thumbs-up feedback in order to proceed with the flirtation. He has to get the impression that you’re weighing him up and, thanks to your fine taste and perception, he’ll honour you by thinking the same. The bad dates are when you can’t chat. Conversation is painful. Your opinions don’t match in any way and every avenue you go down ends up at a dead end. The worst is when you both realise you’re uncomfortable—then it’s like, where’s the damn bill?!!! Rachel, 27

Tips to turn you into a flirting pro A

Focus on your wholly sexual qualities, and lose the mental sabotage about the less than perfect ones! Everyone has their own unique individual look, which is far better than all being clones of each other.

A

LIVE your body. Move your body. Exercise will do more good for the inner you because it makes you feel vital, strong and SEXY. So shake that tushie, now!

Relationships_pages

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page 55

Repackaging yourself for the singles market

55

A

Pretend you’re an extra on Sex and the City, or that there’s a film crew recording your each and every slinky move.

A

Watch the experts. Who’s your fave actor? Or rock star? Learn how to emulate the moves you most admire about them. Julia Roberts is famous for her miles of smiles, Cameron Diaz for her long, leggy, sexy strut, Sharon Stone for her memorable moves in Basic Instinct. What will you make your flirting signature?

A

Read men’s magazines—you’ll soon see what boys want.

A

Think about the art of being tactile—nuzzle, touch, flick, smile. (Practise on your pet if you’re too shy to try on a human just yet.)

A

Carefully apply your mascara for long lethal lashes, and use them like a pro.

A

Use your body language to really liven a conversation up. Sit up, sit back, pull your shoulders gently back and drop them a little to make the most of your chest, stretch your arms above your head, pile your hair atop your head and let it fall gently around your face and neck. Always be aware that the way you sit can have an extremely erotic effect.

A

Integrate flirting with your day-to-day life to be a super flirt. Practise with bosses/friends/your next-door neighbour/your cat.

Relationships_pages

56

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page 56

Relationships That Rock!

A

Call out ‘Hey Tiger’ to a colleague at work just to test the response.

A

Exercise random acts of kindness—give someone a chocolate bar or a bunch of flowers (doesn’t matter whether it’s a guy or gal).

A

Use your hands and the undersides of your wrists to bring out your femininity.

A

Drinking and eating sexily, without slurping, are both great attention grabbers.

A

A session of yoga, belly dancing, water aerobics, a spa or a long, relaxing, rose-scented bath before your date will loosen you up.

Before I started going to the gym I was only slightly overweight, and even though I don’t think anyone else would have thought it, I just didn’t feel good about myself. I have some photos of me on holidays in Fiji at the time I felt my sloppiest and in every photo I’m standing in this awkward way, trying to suck my stomach in and at the same time cringing that my photo was being taken. It turned out I looked crap in every photo and it was more because of the way I was standing than how I actually looked! Lucy, 27 If you really want to make an impression on that foxy guy— and I’m talking bewitch and mesmerise him—it’s not enough to slip on a sultry smile (although this will help). To genuinely indulge in adult foreplay, you have to feel playful. That means

Relationships_pages

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page 57

Repackaging yourself for the singles market

57

naughty and cheeky, with a glint in your eye and a spring in your step. You need to be brimming with a zest for life that clearly and effectively delivers the message that you’re feelin’ GOOD. You’re oozing an ‘I love life’ vibe that no one can fail to notice, and everyone wants to get close to you in the hope that some of your feel-good energy will rub off on them. You’re brimming with confidence. You’re a fabulous catch and you can’t fake this kind of thing. And you can get the knack of it. Men might be about as effective as gorillas in their own courtship rituals, but they do recognise much of the above when they see it—and can’t take their eyes off a sway of the hips, a jiggle of the breasts, a thrust of the leg, a glimpse of thigh or a peek at your tummy.

Flirting factories What are they? Bars, nightclubs, festivals, the beach, barbecues, work functions, the local coffee shop, the nursery, the newsagent, the greengrocer . . . get the drift? There’s an opportunity everywhere to take in a flirt fest. So get out there. Don’t sit at home moping on Valentine’s Day—go out with a buddy. Don’t hibernate just ’cos you don’t have a Valentine. This is research. Get out there. Watch. Learn. Observe. Flirting is a great social skill. The best flirts, and it’s been said before, do it with everyone. A great flirt can put a smile on anyone’s face and a good-time feeling in anyone’s heart. And if you can do that, people will naturally want you to be in their team, on their committee, at their parties and sometimes in their bed! Peta Heskell, flirt coach and author of The Little Book of Flirting

Relationships_pages

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page 58

58

Relationships That Rock!

If you dress like Britney Spears . . . Hollywood thrives on a world of professional flirts and super-vixens. See the movie Chicago to see how a femme fatale like the Catherine Zeta Jones’ character goes into in action. Charlie’s Angels is all about action flirts and Renee Zellweger in her role as Bridget Jones is a natural flirt. Often we use the term ‘flirting’ to describe the trashy scenario we’ve all been guilty of indulging in with Greg from Accounts at the office Christmas party. This kind of flirting is all about theatrics—jutting-out breasts, sultry looks and frenzied giggles. This is super-flirting at its worst. There is far more to successful flirting than drunken interludes. Flirting can be both intensely sexual, and purely platonic. You can flirt with a foxy man and your grandmother. Fundamentally, flirting boils down to two main things: A A

Feeling great about yourself. Making others feel great about themselves.

Enter the fashion police Now that you’ve come out of your romantic slumber, let’s tailor your style and fashion sense. You wanna put yourself out there as a hot and desirable candidate in the dating arena, so you’ll need to be crystal clear about the image you want to project. There’s no use pining for a smart, urban professional if you’re schlepping around town in your Mother Earth outfit cloaked in lavender fragrance. Do you want him to teach you fellatio? No? Well, don’t dress like Pamela Anderson! Not everyone wants the kind of male who’s attracted by that look. Use your common sense to put forward a look that will attract the kind of response you’re after.

Relationships_pages

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page 59

Repackaging yourself for the singles market

59

Always remember—what you attract depends very much on what you put out there. If you present the smiling, sexed-up, sun-kissed girl who dresses in the ‘oops, I’m falling out of my dress’ Britney Spears style—well, you know what kind of attention you’ll get. If you’re one of those effortlessly chic, elegant Latino women with fabulously stylish couture, you’ll attract a completely different type. Let’s face it, there’s no use coming on all hot and strong if you’ve collided with a shy and stocky Farmer Jim type—he’ll run a mile. And dress tastefully, puh-leeze! It’s just so cringeful seeing boobs and bums hanging out everywhere—save that look for another day, hey? Package yourself in a way that’s appropriate, not like you’ve just come out of rehab. Dress sharp and present a ‘wow’ look that electrifies and connects wherever it’s meant to. Human nature dictates that we tend to go for those who are similar to us in style or even in looks! It makes sense that if you look and dress like a yuppie you’ll most likely attract that. Your Man Match will respond to you and what you put out there. We’re not talking about a radical makeover here, more a wardrobe overhaul—broad stroke stuff. It pays to make the effort. You can often achieve a new look simply by adding some new accessories and throwing out the old ones. You’ll find you refresh your self-image as well. Here are some examples:

Business Outfit: sharp, tailored, pin-striped suit, or fabulous strapless evening gown and tiara. A Shoes: Gucci heels, or shiny knee-high leather boots. A

Relationships_pages

6/30/04

60

4:07 PM

Page 60

Relationships That Rock!

Accessories: matching Prada purse, handbag, key ring and brief case. The latest camera phone. A Hair: shiny, no nonsense bob coiffed with a visit to an exclusive salon for a weekly ‘do’. A Make-up: chic, clean, professional. A Man match: Burberry-wielding advertising exec with bumper salary and Freedom-filled inner city apartment. A

Artistic Outfit: shabby-chic sari, cheongsam, anything flowing, colourful, ethnic, exotic or flower doll baby. A Shoes: Oriental style satin slippers. A Accessories: loads of bangles, toe-rings, belly-chains and necklaces. A Make-up: colourful. A Hair: loose, upswept, curled, plaited, braided, hair extensions. A Man match: Arty, weed-smoking, politically enlightened vegetarian. A

Down to earth Outfit: freshly laundered sass & bide jeans, well-fitted T-shirts. A Shoes: Docs, Blundstones, sneakers, ugh boots. A Accessories: loads of Tree of Life bangles and dangles. A Make-up: Natural, minimal. A Hair: clean, freshly washed, pony-tailed. A Man match: Sporty, outdoorsy, down-to-earth indie type. A

Relationships_pages

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page 61

Repackaging yourself for the singles market

61

Professional urban warrior Outfit: little black dress, or Country Road sweaters and cashmere, or TV anchor red suit. A Shoes: lethal stilettos. A Accessories: patterned stockings, leather and lace. A Make-up: glamour. A Hair: chignon, sleek. A Man match: Suit, upwardly mobile yuppie. A

Maneater Outfit: anything PVC leather, rubber, lace or spandex with zips, corsets and spikey bits. A Shoes: black patent thigh-high stiletto boots. A Accessories: dog collar or heroin chic choker, leather wristband. A Hair: controlled, with a dominatrix edge. A Man match: Rockabilly bad boy with a quiff and tootight leather pants. A

Party on, Power-babes By the time you’ve read the above, completed the exercises, pondered your situation and reassessed where you’re at, you should be 100 per cent clear about where you stand with regard to your romantic life. You will recognise either that you’re in a fragile state due to incomplete recovery from a broken heart and you need some more self work to get up to speed, or that you’re rip-raring ready to hurl yourself into the romantic jungle. Your esteem is booming, your self-confidence is at an all-time high and you know what you

Relationships_pages

6/30/04

62

4:07 PM

Page 62

Relationships That Rock!

want from this crazy thing we call life—you’re moving on. Congratulations and welcome to Planet Power-babe. P.S. Just don’t go doing anything silly like making a bet with a friend that you’ll have found yourself a red hot lover in the next three weeks. It’s not viable to put a time limit on it like that, and at the end of the day it’s too much pressure— give yourself time to build your relationship strategy, slowly and carefully and with the right foundations. YOUR CHALLENGE Make a plan to produce something this weekend that will represent this period of transition you’re in. Think of something that can grow with you during this time, that you’ll be proud to show off. I’ve always wanted to grow jasmine on my balcony. I want to be able to say, ‘I made it myself.’ So I’m going to go out and buy a pot, a plant, some soil and a spade and spend an hour plotting and planting (and I am so not a green thumb). I know it will make me feel good because I adore the smell. The added benefit is that the flower will grow while I drink, sleep, party and clean. And it will still be growing while I sit outside on a balmy eve and inhale the sweet scent. These are the simple things that make me feel good.

Part I in a nutshell First and foremost, you won’t start rocking in the romantic world until you’re happy with your package. A Getting organised now, putting energy into your single life, will help you survive and flourish in a relationship. A You’re committed to the Love-Adventure—it’s a serious (but fun) project, so throw yourself into it with gusto. A

Relationships_pages

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page 63

part II

Is he gonna rock my world?

Relationships_pages

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page 64

Relationships_pages

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page 65

5

Crushes, chemistry and compatibility It all started with a love myth that goes like this—along strides Mr Marvellous, scoops you up in his strong arms and wham! You’ve won the human jackpot—a horny husband, a happy home and a gaggle of kids. Tops! The tricky part is that no one warned you that it was gonna take a gazillion goes before you got it right. So your sex-starved self turns into a bedazzled Lucy in Lusterland when those first heady, seductive signs appear and you’re sooo easily convinced that He’s The One. Yippee! Miracles do happen. I’m not saying the 21st-century fairytale can’t be achieved—it can, it just takes lateral thinking and lashings of imagination. Today’s appalling divorce rate is proof that couples hurtle into marriage because they think they should—not because they want to love and honour this person for the rest of their life. What’s the solution? There is an art to identifying your best love choices, understanding

Relationships_pages

6/30/04

66

4:07 PM

Page 66

Relationships That Rock!

more about what influences your decisions, and focusing your love-energy in the right direction. And really, unless you’re some kind of sadomasochist, you’ll want guidelines for the sort of relationship you’re going to play a part in— agreed? So it’s about time you became the Romantic Master of your own destiny and learnt how to fall in love without losing your mind, your dignity and your sense of humour. And it’s a whole lot easier than it seems. The next few chapters are devoted to you and your relationship choices: past, present and future.

Relationship rules When I haven’t been head-butting the editor and crashing and burning on deadline, I’ve actually managed to spend the last decade of my career working away pretty happily in the land of youth culture media. The biggest lesson I’ve learnt is that you can’t run a happening business—of any kind—without a plan. And the same principle applies to— yep, you guessed it—relationships. Of course this is not a unique and original theory, and I wouldn’t blame you if you think it sounds clinical and horribly unromantic. And hey, I’m the first to agree that some ‘relationship professionals’ get completely carried away with the ‘marketing yourself bootcamp’ aspect, which I think can get silly—take a look at this excerpt from a recent bestseller in America, The Program: How to Find a Husband over 30: The Program is a 15-step action program to help you find a husband that uses marketing tactics I learned at Harvard Business School and honed in my professional marketing career. You, the reader, are the ‘product’ and

Relationships_pages

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page 67

Crushes, chemistry and compatibility

67

The Program is a ‘strategic plan’, to help ‘market’ yourself to find your future partner. This makes me feel like a feminine deodorant product. It’s not so much the idea I’m against—it’s the language! It turns my stomach. But as much as I think that’s overkill, I’m also a pragmatist, and I will cheerfully do whatever’s necessary to increase your chances of finding a partner—and the fact is, a plan will help you get there quicker. Look at it this way—you’d plan for an overseas holiday, wouldn’t you? So why not a relationship? We plan for all the other important things we want in life, yet it’s assumed that we’ll automatically find the right partner by sheer coincidence—we’ll just smack right into him at the mall. And hey, it can happen that way, but . . . I wouldn’t be holding my breath. It does require research, plotting, extensive lists and lots of soul-searching. And it can get frustrating when you encounter obstacles along the way: there’ll be false starts, hiccups, miscommunication and mixed signals—it’s hairy out there. Let’s face it, no one has ever actually ever sat us down and briefed us on how to . . . er . . . conduct ourselves in a relationship (pass me the guidebook please). Today’s education system may be nicely conscientious when it comes to teaching the kids about pregnancy prevention, but when was the last time you actually saw a class on how to avoid losing yourself in a relationship? There are no troubleshooters to guide us, just a lot of guesswork and post-vodka huddles with our gal pals. It’s assumed we grow up knowing this stuff. Relationships are a funny business, and it’s easy to become hazy about what you want when it comes to looking around for one. And if you lack clarity, it’s difficult, if not impossible,

Relationships_pages

68

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page 68

Relationships That Rock!

to define the dos and the dodgy don’ts. As a result you may find yourself charging towards destructive and dangerous situations which can lead to disappointment at best, disaster at worst. When you don’t know what you’re looking for—and you can’t communicate it—you can end up with just about any old thing. Just like that time you went out to exercise a bit of well-deserved retail therapy and ended up seduced by the silver-sequinned halterneck instead of the beige suit you needed for next week’s job interview. The first step to creating a relationship plan is taking responsibility for your relationship choices and outcomes. The second is to define these three things: A A A

What your romantic aspirations are. Where you would like to be in twelve months. How you will get there.

Let’s get the ball rolling with your Relationship Requirements. What are they? They’re guidelines for establishing the kind of relationship you’re after. Is it long term? Short term? Sexually charged? Platonic? Once you’ve figured out that very basic premise, you’ll be poised to create your own master plan which will be unleashed on the lovable klutz you’ve set your sights on. Don’t be left scratching your head, work out if it’s a bedroom accessory you want or a life partner. But first, write down a description of the relationship you’re hoping to find: A

A

Will it be a full-on drama-packed affair that will turn your life upside down and take up all of your time? Or something more casual, like an occasional-sex buddy to be your movie and dinner date?

Relationships_pages

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page 69

Crushes, chemistry and compatibility A

A

69

Are you doggedly searching for a permanent life partner and you won’t be satisfied until you find them? Will you be happy with a short fling that will carry you over until you leave for your OS trip next year?

Once you’ve written down the style of relationship you’d like and the kind of impact it will have on your life—take a moment to visualise it. Then think about quality control.

What is quality control? WANTED: Psychotic control freak. I’m a good-looking girl with a crippling lack of self-esteem. I’m looking for a jealous, possessive, controlling nympho nazi in my life who will subsidise my need to feel wanted at a pathological level, and at the same time alienate me from all my closest friends and extra-relational activities. If phone-stalking and jealous rages are your forte, dial me up, honey.

Quality control is knowing what your relationship requirements and non-negotiable standards are (which we’ll look at in more detail in Chapter 7). It’s understanding that attracting and meeting Mr Wonderful is a combination of three major things: A A A

Having a plan. Luck and lateral thinking. Being in the right place at the right time.

Relationships_pages

70

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page 70

Relationships That Rock!

At the end of the day you can really only come up with a loose plan, but it will give you a clearer understanding of your relationship expectations and open up your prospecting possibilities outta sight. Are you clear about that? Okay, let’s move forward and look at some other factors that might get in the way of finding some hot babe action.

Infatuation—always in my head and never in my bed One of the advantages of being single is that you can let your imagination go a little crazy—but that’s also when the whole notion of sexual chemistry can play havoc with you. Enter the infatuation. It’s bizarre but it’s the ultimate release when you’re not in a relationship—and hey, look on the bright side, there’s no chance of catching an STD! Ah yes, the unfulfilled crush can get you through the day when nothing else is going right. It’s capable of helping you spring out of bed in the morning to dab on that extra splash of Chanel No 5. It can make you brave enough (or mad enough) to book in for that Brazilian bikini wax; keep your body luxuriously lathered in extravagant skin-softening lotions and potions and keep your bed permanently shimmering in satin sheets. Why? Oh, because it might happen. Even if you don’t even know his name, ‘It’s destiny!’ you cry as you bump into a beautiful stranger three times in a row. And hey, even though you know deep down it probably won’t eventuate, who cares? It’s the warm, fuzzy reminder of romance that keeps you happy. The trick, of course, is in having the good sense to know when not to make a move on someone (even after you’ve convinced yourself he’s the man with whom you’re going to spend the rest of your life). Wrong, wrong, wrong! This is not

Relationships_pages

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page 71

Crushes, chemistry and compatibility

71

reality. This is escapism, in its purest form. Take the fantasy and milk it for all it’s worth. Leave the responsibility. This is meant to be light-hearted fun. Just because you’re single doesn’t mean you can’t have any romance in your life! And you’ve got nothing to lose if it’s just a crush—as long as it doesn’t go beyond that. Sadly it goes without saying that you can get crushes on all the wrong men. And how do you know they’re the wrong men? Well, I guess something would have happened by now if they were Mr Freakin’ Fabulous—right? This is the sexy premise of many of TV’s most popular shows—remember the long-drawn-out sexual tension between Mr Big and Carrie. Listen to your gut instinct—it will never lead you astray. Ignore the post-vodka moments where you’re entrenched in a fog of romantic yearning, when all you can think is, He’s The One—I can make it work, I know I can. And a word of warning: keep your crush quiet—that way no one’s the wiser and if he mucks you around you can get your creative rocks off and dump him like a sack of rotten trash. What’s my point? Simply, that being single and being infatuated can include all the emotional turbulence of being involved, and maybe more. That’s because if we open ourselves up to the possibility, we can find ourselves having all the same insecurities, doubts and confusions we have in relationships. Trust me. You don’t actually need anyone else around for this kind of neurosis—you can do your own head in. I have, and it’s utterly exhausting. It’s something to do during the ‘I’m not sure I’m ready for dating yet’ phase. A stampede of African elephants couldn’t stop you from going there if you’ve made up your mind you want to go there—so live out the infatuation and move on. But, a word

Relationships_pages

72

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page 72

Relationships That Rock!

of advice, move on quickly! Or you might find yourself trapped there for way longer than you’d ever planned.

The fling So you’re back on the prowl, bursting to see what’s out there. You’ve decided you’re not ready for a Big Serious Relationship just yet—but . . . you’ve checked the body language guide for hints on how to pick up and you’re putting your money where your mouth is. You’ve spruced up for a Big Night Out—it could be a steamy glance across the bar and voilà . . . a night of wild, casual sex to get the party started— cool! If that’s what you decide you need at the time. What we’re talking about here is the power of flings. Have you ever tried one? A fling can be a great restorative tonic, you know, especially if you want to ease your way into the dating arena but you don’t want to pin all your hopes on the Big Romance. What is a fling? It can be whatever you want it to be: platonic, sexual, a tonic for the in-between times. It can do wonders for your ego and it can remind you that yes, yes, you are one sexy babe. How do you go about finding a fling? Where do you look? Is this what they call ‘going out on the hunt’? No, no, no. Don’t even think of it that way. You’re stepping out because you’ve got a lust for life and you’re genuinely into it. You’re keen to have some fun; you’re on fire and you’ve got the right attitude. I can tell you right now—with all that goin’ on it is quite likely that you will meet someone. It might be a casual short-term fling or a no-strings night of sex—either way you’ll remind yourself that you’re an attractive woman and that’s excellent. And you don’t even have to do the squelchy stuff—in fact it can be the best thing in the world staying out with a hot guy

Relationships_pages

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page 73

Crushes, chemistry and compatibility

73

until the early hours when it doesn’t end in a one-night stand. It can be incredibly empowering to say, ‘Thanks for a great time, now I’m gonna say goodnight’ and go home alone with the secret knowledge that, yes, you are lusted after! The important thing to remember about a fling is that you need to be emotionally ready—that means no hang-ups, no revenge fantasies, no drunken shenanigans or brouhaha. You’ll only sabotage your relationship potential if you’re catapulting backwards every time you do something with someone that you’re gonna regret later. Flings are fine if you’re in control and you’re confident you can do this without the emotional attachment. Some chicks can, but I know plenty who can’t, and it can set you back five paces every time it happens—if you’re not psyched-up for it, that is.

Pursuing the unattainable Here’s why you should never date someone who is married or taken. Because, no matter what, he will break your heart. So if you are someone who gets a kick out of targeting only married or taken men, STOP RIGHT NOW and ask yourself why. Is it a tell-tale sign of a commitment issue? Because if you think about it, it’s pointless pursuing the unattainable—we’re all adults, we know that, and yet at some point of our lives we’ve probably all been guilty of it. If you’re finding this is a pattern which you’re repeating time and time again, you need to whip out that pen and list the qualities of the recipient of your current infatuation. The purpose of this is to try to assess why you think he’s so very, very right for you. Here’s the interesting thing—even if you did a compatibility test and came up with ticks on every front, I could still tell you one good reason why the unattainables are not right for you. Can

Relationships_pages

74

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page 74

Relationships That Rock!

you guess what it is? It’s BECAUSE THEY’VE CHOSEN SOMEONE ELSE and really—that should be enough! Make no mistake about it—this is definitely a one-way trip to disaster. Let me give you an example. It’s no good writing down a composite of your perfect partner and then, when you find him and he’s with someone else, pursuing him madly anyway. I’m not taking the moral ground here, but you’re only going to get very, very hurt if you try to make your composite come to life. It’s only a fantasy, an illusion. If you’re still chasing it, you need a reality check. If you’re hung up on someone who is already spoken for, it’s possible you’re just being lazy or vengeful. You can’t have the man you really want, so you go after someone else’s. Do you ignore the third party because of your need to compete and ultimately win? Or is it that you can’t be bothered getting out there in the real world and getting your hands dirty? Moving in on someone else’s partner is a classic stalling tactic. It’s a chronic attitude from the ‘I don’t want to go out on my own and look for someone’ school of thought. The thought process is that looking for someone is somehow demeaning: ‘Why should I have to go out and “look” when I can just sit here and wait for him to rock up to my front door! That’s the way it happened all through my teens.’ Well, as we’ve seen earlier, it’s not the way it happens now! Bottom line—if you are pursuing a pointless passion with someone who is clearly either not interested, already taken, or playing with you, back off before it’s too late. You’ll end up doing some serious damage to your ego, your friendships or more likely, both. By having a fling with someone who’s already attached, you’re indulging in the lowest form of wallowing; you’re doing it because you want to remind your-

Relationships_pages

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page 75

Crushes, chemistry and compatibility

75

self that you’ve still got what it takes and get sympathy from your friends when you tell them you’ve met the perfect person but he’s already taken and it’s not fair. Or you are finding justice in the fact that everyone else is in relationships and you wanna piece of the action. Most importantly, you are protecting a fragile ego from the potential sting of rejection. How can you be rejected when you can’t ever have him? If you have genuine, wellmeaning friends, perhaps now is the time to remind them that they should absolutely come forward and tell you that this approach is not going to result in a happy long-term proposition. It’s a no-win situation.

Let’s talk about sexual chemistry It’s confusing isn’t it? That whole chemistry thing. The things we do for passion. For excitement and exhilaration. What is it? A smell? Pheromones? A vibe? You know the feeling—your heart palpitates, your knees go weak, you gush and blush, stammer and stutter. With all these intense bodily functions going on it’s pretty hard to get a grip. So what if he doesn’t speak the same language? Or, if he’s your sister’s boyfriend or your brother’s? Does it really matter that he’s ten years older? Or younger? Is it some devious trick of Mother Nature’s? We can feel the chemistry with the wrong person but when poor old Mr Right comes along and we don’t feel it in that kneemelting, stomach-flapping, heart-palpitating way, we send him packing. It’s deceptive and frustrating, especially since we all know that chemistry doesn’t always add up to the Real Thing. I’m a classic sucker for your alpha-type males. I could laugh all night with an intellectually stimulating, kindred-spirited

Relationships_pages

76

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page 76

Relationships That Rock!

SNAG, and have no desire to do anything with him. But show me an arrogant, politically incorrect bastard of an alpha male and suddenly I’m all giggles and pouts. Virginia, 29 Ironically, the more potent the chemistry, the more insane things are, because you’re so convinced at the outset that Yes! This is it! The problem is that once you’re in—you’re in deep. And it can be tricky getting out. The hotter the sex, the harder it is to take off the lust-coloured glasses and see the absence of, ahem, a good old-fashioned connection. A survey done in the US a few years ago revealed that the happiest couples in the short term are those who see one another through rose-coloured glasses and appreciate the other person’s attributes regardless of whatever anyone else thinks. The experts suspected the individual’s tendency to put a positive spin on their partner increased the attractiveness of their attributes. Well sure, but what happens down the track when they take the rose-coloured glasses off? It’s usually after the honeymoon period that the incompatibilities become startlingly obvious and your happy, handsome stoner starts to look less affable as you wait for the ugly paranoia attack to surge. You can bite the bong and cut your losses while you’re ahead, or you can go for the longdrawn-out ending where the relationship expires months or even years after it should have. This is why it’s imperative that you’re super sure about your non-negotiable requirements— that way there’s less bloodshed when it doesn’t work out the way you’d hoped. It’s tempting to ignore the warning neon signs ahead (and you know the ones that signal a toxic or dysfunctional

Relationships_pages

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page 77

Crushes, chemistry and compatibility

77

relationship), especially when you’re in a totally irrational lust-frenzy and swept up in the heart-stopping drama of it all. You may detect faint glimmers in the first weeks, the ones that confirm your foxy new plaything is quite simply not The One. But, instead of paying attention to his flaws, you ingenuously imagine you can ‘change’ him into your pictureperfect image—a nearly always useless and ultimately fatal ploy. When I look back at my last relationship and think about how it was in the first few months, the problems were there right from the start. Kieren was a really jealous guy and there were fights right from the beginning. I thought maybe he would change once he’d become more secure in the relationship. His jealousy and insecurity issues were what broke us up in the end. Melinda, 30 You can have loads in common and spend hours cracking up over movies, music, politics and life issues—but if the guy looks like a muppet and the chemistry ain’t there, you sure as hell can’t force it. Likewise you can have orgasms flying right off the sex-o-meter, but if your smooth operator’s ultimately wrong for you (and you’ll know it in your gut—instinct’s a very powerful thing), you’re on a one-way trip to disaster. Golden Rule: if you settle for less, you’ll get less. Being single is positively not about dropping your standards. Then again, you should never confuse that notion with ‘trying something different’ in a bid to define your romantic vision. I have a girlfriend who insists that hell will freeze over before she drops hers, and I respect that, but at times I just wish she’d appreciate the difference between dropping

Relationships_pages

78

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page 78

Relationships That Rock!

standards and spreading her wings to adopt a broader approach—which includes considering all different sorts of male options. There’d be no harm done, and as well as widening her perspective dramatically it would help her clarify the qualities that do it for her. You’ve gotta mix it up—the dating process should be thought of as an extension of window shopping to help determine your strengths and weaknesses and define the many different styles that suit you and those that don’t. Just strap on your geek-meter and get out there! Having spent the last ten years—my entire dating life— going out with guys who don’t talk and don’t want to come home to discuss and share their day with me, I’ve finally realised one of the most important things I’m looking for in a relationship is someone I can chat with and really discuss things with. It’s too easy to slip into relationships with men who are sexy and the chemistry is there, etc. but at the end of the day if I can’t talk to them, it’s never going to work. Anthea, 27

Relationships_pages

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page 79

6

The Love Awards for the worst love choices If, like Hollywood actor Meg Ryan, you’ve unintentionally found yourself the undisputed queen of romantic comedy, you might want to think about changing your role. It’s the easiest thing in the world to fall in love with the wrong person yet it can be so very traumatic coming out of it. If you’ve been a consistent winner of the Dodgy Love Awards, I’d say you’re ready to learn some new tricks to stop you from the churn and burn, chew and spew nature of it all. Getting dumped from a toxic relationship can feel like getting dumped by a killer wave—you thrash around, the surf pounding the you-know-what out of you, unable to breathe, struggling for your life. And just when you think you’re not going to make it, something happens and your survival instinct kicks in. You’re flung—bruised, blustering and humiliated—onto the shore. But honestly, rather than go through it all again, wouldn’t you prefer to stop and learn how

Relationships_pages

6/30/04

80

4:07 PM

Page 80

Relationships That Rock!

to sharpen your radar to ensure you don’t go for that mismatched Impulse Purchase with the next relationship? Think of it this way, it’s like when your diet goes off the rails—you usually have the common sense to change your eating habits, don’t you? This is no different; sometimes you have to change your mating habits to get a quality relationship up and running. It’s not that hard, it just requires a bit of creative thinking and tenacity—and I know you’ve got that by the gallon. I’ve missed the cues several times, to my professional shame—I’ve worn a mask to cover my insecurities and hung around in a neurotic haze in a relationship much longer than I should—hoping with a feverish and misguided sense of optimism that the relationship would ‘get better’. The thing about sick relationships, of course, is that they don’t. And this time was no exception. I hope to help relieve you of the same burden and guide you to a clearer understanding of what it means to be in a healthy relationship with a compatible mate. I’ve gone for each type: the rough guy; the nerdy, sweet, lovable guy; and the slick guy. I don’t really have a type. Men in general are a good thing. Jennifer Aniston

Dating disasters If erotic flirting repeatedly finds you in romantic situations that are wrong, wrong, wrong for you—it’s more than just bad luck. It means that society’s secret love formula (based on hope, luck and inconceivable coincidence) isn’t working for you. All our adolescent lives we’ve been brainwashed by the women’s magazine mantra that tells us we must follow these absurd steps (and look just like this) to attract a mate. Bottom line—don’t try to live someone else’s dream. It’s time to

Relationships_pages

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page 81

The Love Awards for the worst love choices

81

deviate and diversify from what you’ve been doing in the past (and what you’ve been guided to do) and create your own tailor-made love tonic to help avoid dating disasters. And don’t stress. There’s always someone who’s doing a worse job of it than you—even the rich and famous manage to stuff it up. Amy Cooper, columnist to the Sunday Life Magazine, pinpoints poor old Princess Stephanie as one of those people with a chronic case of bad taste-itis. And who could beat either of the Minogue sisters for their consistently mind-boggling male choices? Liz Hurley for her strange taste? Or poor, sad Liza Minelli? And more recently Britney Spears— what’s goin’ on there?? Maybe you’ve suffered from an addiction to liars, taut biceps, intense sexual aerobics, crack-heads or fake tans, and you can’t seem to stay away from this type no matter what. Make no mistake, there will be times when you blow it and choose a degenerate who turns your life upside down. If that happens you’ve got no choice but to go with the experience, accept that it has happened, be prepared to learn from it and MOVE ON. The world will not collapse around you. Ask yourself if your bad love choices are a symptom of loneliness—that’s usually a time when we make blunders and lose our ability to be discerning, let alone see straight (he looks good enough to eat, no matter that he turns up for the second movie date in his Star Wars stormtrooper get-up). Success in the relationship bonanza requires two things— keeping your emotional smarts about you, and a bullshit meter which you’ll need to trust and act on. Forget about intoxicating sexual promise powered by lust-enhancing drugs—it’s a cruel deception that inevitably backfires on you down the track. Thriving romance evolves from your rich tapestry of experiences—both good and bad—and your confidence in

Relationships_pages

82

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page 82

Relationships That Rock!

your ability to judge those experiences. Don’t ever be ashamed of your misadventures; wear them like a badge of honour— they’re part of who you are. Only boring twats have unblemished love records. Wrap yourself in past experiences and memories; you already have a wealth of information under your belt—you just have to sift through it and make sense of it. That means going back in time to find out what has contributed to your lousy love choices. Then and only then can you erase your hard drive and detox from your bad taste-itis. No doubt you’ve been with someone who started out with oodles of promise but turned out to be a total nutcase. And after holding the Royal Commission with your family and friends about how he did your head in, you know only too well you don’t want to go back. Or you’ve found yourself with yet another case of testosterone poisoning after gravitating towards a brooding, poetic man who needed pathological mothering, even though this sort of thing has ended in disaster every other time. Often we let ourselves fall in love without really stopping to ask whether the person is right for us, let alone whether they even have the potential to love us. We convince ourselves that He’s The One only to find out that he’s a bisexual commitment-phobe who ends up twotiming us with a gorgeous transvestite. Yet, even when we’re overwhelmed by the disaster, unbelievably, we return to the scene of the crime for a repeat performance. After too many heartbreaks or stop and start relationships, it’s time to sort out precisely what you want from this area of your life. I went out with a guy for two years who was an advertising director at an agency. He earned loads of money, loved to party hard and was your typical Casanova. He also cheated

Relationships_pages

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page 83

The Love Awards for the worst love choices

83

on me and our relationship was a great big fiasco of fighting and fucking the whole way. But when we broke up and I started seeing another guy—one who was very stable, reliable and safe—I found myself bored and craving the wild times of my previous partner. Ironic considering how unhappy I was at the time. Yasmin, 32 According to the love experts, it’s neither bad luck nor coincidence that we are attracted to the kind of partner we find ourselves with—it’s due to something called ‘emotional programming’, a set of decisions and beliefs we made about ourselves, others and the world in general when we were growing up. In other words, it’s a thought process based on the experiences we’ve squirrelled away throughout our lives and the people we’ve come into contact with, which for the rest of our lives affects how we think and behave, and how we make love choices as adults. Likewise we are influenced by the way others view us. Think about whose version of yourself you most enjoy. You know how we use the saying, ‘he brings out the best in me’? Stop and think for a moment about what the best version of you is. Who do you most like being? Is it the sweet and feminine, ‘butter wouldn’t melt in your mouth’ you? The sultry you? The intellectual you? The creative you? How do you express your best side? What characteristics do you like having recognised? What do others see in you that elevates your self-image? Think about who can find your on-button and how? Activate your senses and imagination—take five minutes to write your thoughts down. You know when you’re at your best and what takes you there. Get clear about it now!

Relationships_pages

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page 84

84

Relationships That Rock!

Mr Wrong booby-trap Do you remember in the book and subsequent movie, High Fidelity, how John Cusack’s character Rob sought out each of his exes to resolve the rejection issues from their relationships? It was brilliant but, don’t get me wrong, I’m not recommending you do that!! We’ll go for the less in-yer-face version, thanks! If you’re still wondering how you came to be with that crack-head from your last relationship, ask yourself the questions in the following quiz.

FQuiz 9: Is he a booby-trap? Have you ever consciously: 1. Spent time with a possessive, powerful, overbearing control freak where the only choice was between leaving or completely losing yourself? 2. Wondered why you chose that specific type—over and over again? The one that had irresistible behavioural problems exploding through unpredictable bursts of lust and rage which saw you sitting around waiting for the werewolf to surge? 3. Promised yourself you’d never get involved with someone who was emotionally limited, who could mess with your psyche, only to find yourself hopelessly infatuated with someone who was pained by the world and more beautiful because of it, but who couldn’t or wouldn’t connect with you emotionally? 4. Convinced yourself that you were ready for a committed relationship, only to fall in love with a suave, charming and very confirmed bachelor who’d made it clear at the outset that he was unavailable for that kind of commitment?

Relationships_pages

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page 85

The Love Awards for the worst love choices

85

5. Craved a warm, caring, responsible partner, only to end up with a psychotic, high-maintenance egomaniac who ultimately drove you nearly insane? 6. Found lust jump-starting your romance with a male bombshell whose physical magnetism and charged emotion whacked you with a zombifying throb—until his erotic imagination waned and he got tired of you? 7. Found yourself with a fascist dictator who emotionally abused you when you were too weak and insecure to defend yourself—so grateful for the company that you put up with the fear and cruelty? 8. Had your brain programmed to only accept bad boys—you’d happily ‘rescue’ him from his hundreddollar-a-day habit and his bongs for breakfast even though there’s not a chance in hell this guy was ever gonna reform? 9. Found yourself falling for the good looks and the bling mobile, when what he didn’t have was any respect for you so he treated you like an eager-toplease servant? 10. Fallen under the spell of the 30-year-old-going-on-13; the slightly scruffy but delectable heartbreaker whose challenge was to get as many notches under his belt in the shortest possible time?

If you said yes to even one or two of these questions, you’re in the Needs Attention Now camp. Let’s start from scratch to ensure that your radar doesn’t keep malfunctioning. First up—you can’t change what you don’t acknowledge. You need to be to be ultra clear about what the problem areas in your last relationship were. That means thinking through past relationship victories and relationship failures. The failures can be

Relationships_pages

6/30/04

4:07 PM

86

Page 86

Relationships That Rock!

avoided if you are able to spot them in advance—otherwise it’s just too easy to fall back in again. You don’t have the time or the energy for these tragic romantic interruptions.

Influences from the past Whatever your early experiences, whether in your own relationships or in your observation of others, they will have some influence in shaping your attraction to the partners you choose in later life. If you’re like me and you’ve picked up some bad-boy habits along the way, you will discover that it can be mighty hard undoing them. The experts say it takes three years and a tonne of willpower to rid yourself of them completely. The upside is that if you are willing to work through them, you will find yourself better equipped to deal with these kinds of issues, since you’ve had some experience of what you don’t want. You’ve gone through the wringer with the relationships that didn’t work; hopefully they’ve left you with a clearer version of what you do want—that’s the preface for your romantic boundaries. The biggest influences on your Love-Choices are your childhood and your past relationships. Let’s take a closer look. Since the moment I started dating I have picked guys who would take a parental role in my life. Without realising, I would fall into these relationships with men who would take control of things and lead the way for me. Unfortunately, once they did, I would resent them for it, feel trapped, and end up breaking up with them in order to get my freedom and independence back. Once I had it again, I would freak out, flail around and grab the nearest man who fitted the criteria of an in-control parental figure and

Relationships_pages

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page 87

The Love Awards for the worst love choices

87

repeat the pattern all over again. The pattern kept continuing because I never looked into the source of the problem— the fact that I felt incapable of looking after myself—and as a result, I was never happy within my relationships. Renee, 28

Childhood Take a good, long, hard look at your past partners and then compare their strongest traits to those of your parents. Are there any similarities? Could your childhood be influencing your choice of partner now? Factors that come into play include your childhood characteristics and your upbringing. Was it a storybook affair straight out of Disneyland where your parents lived happily ever after? Perhaps it was more reminiscent of The Osbornes, with Sharon and Ozzy as your parents? Or much less fascinatingly, the house from hell where the dysfunctional family fights overshadowed everything else? Or maybe there were addictions and illnesses involved which have affected you in a way that none of your friends could relate to? Other factors would include growing up extremely shy, or in a highly controlled household where you had limited contact with the outside world, which gave you a perception built almost entirely around what you saw on TV and read about in magazines rather than your own experiences. If you were brought up in a family where one or both of the parents had drinking issues, it’s ironic but likely that you may well put up with a drunken partner simply because you are familiar, at a subconscious level, with being around that situation during your childhood. Similarly, if your parents controlled you by

Relationships_pages

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page 88

88

Relationships That Rock!

inducing guilt as a form of punishment, you could end up with a partner who does the same because it’s a pattern you are used to. It can be hard to kick childhood patterns but it’s useful to monitor behavioural traits in adulthood. Do you recognise your parents in yourself? It’s a bizarre fact that we tend to stoically defend the habits we disliked most about our parents. Do you see your mum’s passive aggressiveness coming out in your adult conversations? Your dad’s ferocious temper? Could you be channelling your parents’ destructive characteristics into your relationships without even realising it? Did your siblings influence your choices? Was your older brother an out-of-control wild child—is that what you find yourself attracted to? In my family, my dad was very dominating over my mother. He made it quite clear that he was the head of the household, his word was law. Growing up I hugely resented the role my mother played and the fact that she allowed herself to be dominated by somebody. And yet, my fiancé is very much a dominating male, and I find myself playing out the role with him of feminine subordinate. I guess that’s what I’m comfortable and familiar with. Debbie, 28

Choosing a partner as a reaction to your previous partner There’s a risk you might totally miss Mr Nice Guy’s potential if you’re smitten with a Bad Boy who you’re convinced has all the qualities you crave. In fact, it could just be a false attraction based on familiar, if not comfortable, characteristics

Relationships_pages

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page 89

The Love Awards for the worst love choices

89

you recognised and responded to instantly. It wasn’t that you particularly liked him as a person as much as it was about the superficial qualities you’re drawn to, like a swoony guy who’ll write a schmaltzy song for you. There’s an addictiveness about those qualities, and they get you in. It’s intriguing grist for the mill when it comes to understanding why you’ve chosen the partners you have and whether your choices are based on habit, logic or, more typically, a throbbing, aching groin. Sometimes, out of sheer habit or a false sense of security, you’re attracted to someone who exudes the same fatal but highly addictive flaws you’ve encountered before in damaging relationships—but the familiarity tends to outweigh the negative memories. It’s like eating McDonald’s, isn’t it? You know it’s bad for you but hey, it’s quick, easy and it fills that empty spot in seconds. And so, out of laziness and lack of imagination, you can’t resist. Keep in mind that repetition of bad relationships is a lot more harmful than a dose of junk food every now and again. But it’s a trap we all fall into at some stage. We’re comforted by the familiar and no matter how badly it hurt before and how bruised we are, we’re prepared to clamber back into the ring because a subliminal voice from deep within convinces us that this person is our ‘type’—even though we know that kind of relationship is surrounded by the stench of death.

Joining the dots Okay, it’s time to write down the links you see between each of your destructive relationships. Sit down and map out each of your love choices and ‘join the dots’ as you go. You’ll find out loads about yourself, since this is where all sorts of

Relationships_pages

90

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page 90

Relationships That Rock!

weird, wonderful and sometimes creepy things start to emerge. Those men may have seemed different from the outside, but often a closer look reveals that you’ve been taken, hook line and sinker, by the same self-destructive qualities in the world’s most pathetic men. It’s essential you become aware of the patterns. Can you see them emerging? Ask yourself why you have a tendency towards relationships with morally flawed men who are riddled with issues. Keep in mind that you’re working towards drawing up a letter of intent outlining the kind of person you’d like to welcome into your life. You deserve the best—that’s your mission and don’t you forget it. Next I want you to list all your exes’ negative qualities (if listing all of them is just way too taxing, select the three most significant relationships). I’m talking about everything that bugged you and drove you stir crazy or ultimately drove a stake through the heart of the relationship—the possessiveness, the small-minded jerkness, the delightfully condescending tone, the money-grubbing ways, the foul coffee-breath, the fake Rolex. Once you’ve done that, list the exact opposite qualities— the qualities they’d lacked that you’d wished they’d had—the ones that you needed to make you feel good. If the descriptions that come up are depressive, needy, insecure, pessimistic, low on self-esteem and generally pretty woeful, you should now turn your list of qualities around to look something like this: confident, independent, popular, successful, cheerful, optimistic and supportive. Likewise if they were obsessive, finicky, critical, tightly wound, perfectionists and over-achievers, your opposite-qualities list would look like this: casual, laidback, easygoing, relaxed, happy-go-lucky and satisfied. Just reverse

Relationships_pages

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page 91

The Love Awards for the worst love choices

91

everything about the relationship that made it suck. Get the picture?

Let’s draw up a romantic agreement Okay, now that you’ve got the juices flowing, let’s define your vision. A vision is what you get when you consider your most picture-perfect partner possibility. So you’re going to become an artist for the day and create a composite image. And it’s going to be a lot of fun. Truly. To help it along you need to set the scene. I hope you’ve got a dazzlingly bright, sunny workroom to do this. It’s important to make yourself comfortable too. Bunker down with a glass of love-wine; if you’re anything like me you might find something luminous happens during the second glass, when thoughts flow, insights focus and solutions appear. Turn off the TV, put the stereo on, listen to some Norah Jones or Jeff Buckley and give yourself over to the exercise. I want you to draw upon all your creative and artistic senses to concoct a vivid description of your perfect life, with the ideal partner. And really go for it—don’t hold back. Use the most creative way to capture your image and generate as much detail as you can. Okay, let’s get started. What the hell, I’ll show you mine if . . . I see myself as a career-oriented person so I’d need to find someone who was as dynamic and busy as me. I wouldn’t feel comfortable if they depended on me or if they were too needy. I definitely see myself with someone who has their own interests, hobbies and ambitions. I’d also like my guy to be supportive of me—that means giving me my own space

Relationships_pages

92

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page 92

Relationships That Rock!

and allowing me to continue to lead an independent life. Outside of that I envisage someone whose personality is quite opposite to mine. I’m the loud, lively one, I’m happy to have someone quiet around—I’ve always been attracted to the shy, artistic, intelligent types. They’d need to be someone warm, generous and honest and unswervingly loyal. And they’d need to be outgoing; I have withdrawals if I’m not out most nights. I’m a compulsive chatterer and I like having extra people in my life so I’d be hoping that he had some interesting friends to bring to the table as well. I’m looking for creative and intellectual stimulation but, and it’s a big but, I insist on emotional honesty. I’m interested in someone who’s happy with where they’re at in their career and 100 per cent supportive of where I’m at with mine. If I’m going to find the time to develop something new with a man I’ll need to structure a couple of hours into an already crammed schedule so believe me, they’re going to have to have a lot to offer. Now, define the qualities you’re attracted to. List them in the order of your priorities. My list would look something like this: 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6.

Smart. Sensitive. Emotionally honest. GSOH (good sense of humour). Taller than me, dark hair/complexion. Emotionally available.

Relationships_pages

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page 93

The Love Awards for the worst love choices 7. 8. 9. 10.

93

Educated. Genuine. Employed. A nice guy.

I wasn’t looking to go out with a boy in a band—especially one who’s that good-looking. I’m usually attracted to guys with good personalities, ones that make me laugh. That’s what I think is sexy—not some dude with flowing curls who’s tall and gorgeous. Gwen Stefani Once you’re clear about the attributes a guy is gonna need to turn your head, and sure about the guys you’re going to stay away from—those with borderline personality disorders, damaged manic depressives and drug dealers—you’re in a much stronger position to take your pick from the buffet of love . . .

Relationships_pages

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page 94

7

Bring on the dating smorgasbord Often we harbour feelings for those who have swept into our lives representing the Luna Park of Love—the laughs, the roller-coaster ride, the intensity and the high drama. Because of the excitement we associate with that particular romance, we can be oblivious to those who may not be as hilarious, debonair, wilful or skilful with the grand gestures, but who have another set of deeply impressive qualities—those that will increase the chances of a long-lasting, harmonious relationship a millionfold. Sometimes the IQs (impressive qualities) slip under the radar and we don’t have a chance to see them until we take the time to get to know someone properly. It can be exhilarating to see what happens when you have the guts to let go of your old patterns—it’s like changing your look and consequently the kind of partner you attract. Once you relax and go with the flow things do have a tendency to fall into place.

Relationships_pages

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page 95

Bring on the dating smorgasbord

95

What I’m talking about is broadening your love-landscape and casting your net wider. It’s time to think outside the box. That’s what this century’s romantic revolution has given us— the ability to be flexible and more open to a meeting of minds with someone you may not previously have had the good taste to identify as your ‘type’. No one has said it better than Julia Baird, the author of an article I stumbled across in the Sydney Morning Herald on 27–28 September 2003: ‘There is an ever growing school of thought that tells us women have shifted their focus in the search for more intellectual and emotional equals, which is finally seeping into popular culture. This is the modern fantasy: men who will listen, share the childcare and support their partner’s dreams. Men who will last the distance.’ Or for another take on it: Because women are no longer defined by their men, no longer evaluated by the company we keep, we no longer need men who make more money than we do, or men with superior social standing. We just need someone with a good heart who likes animals. Cynthia Heimel, Advanced Sex Tips for Girls

Banish the idea that we have ‘types’ So, let’s talk more about ‘types’. There seems to be some bizarro notion out there that once you’ve decided on your type you can’t look beyond it. Sweetie, you’ve been brainwashed. Really, at the end of the day, how do you know if someone’s not your type? And where did you get your definition in the first place? How much thought and imagination have you applied to your type criteria? Is it something

Relationships_pages

96

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page 96

Relationships That Rock!

you grew up with? How much does it really have to do with your individual taste? Does your type reflect your family’s expectations? Your friends’? Society’s? Is it a cultural type? Or are you just going with what’s familiar and safe? Zzzzz. Screw that, sister. It’s silly to limit yourself to such narrow potential. Consider yourself well on the way to ‘type freedom’. You’re about to get your ‘Out of Type’ card. You’ll need to close your eyes please—we’re going to do some reverse hypnosis. From this moment on you will no longer continue to limit your romantic horizons by trusting in ‘types’. You will be freed from this ridiculous outrage and you will stop searching for a specific type. Okay, now open your eyes. Hoorah! Your blinkers have come off; you have clear, wide, all-seeing peripheral vision. It’s a miracle! You are no longer locked in the boring confines of the past—you’re about to spread your wings and look around in wide-eyed wonder at the myriad hot new potentials that will present themselves. Just because you’re a trained paralegal from a Swiss finishing school, who says you won’t have a lot in common with Fox in Shorts who works at the zoo? Jeez Louise—to write him off before you’ve even give him a chance is nuts! Are you on drugs? Forget types for once and for all. They’re gone. Over! From this point on we will think in terms of All-Sorts only. They will form the mind-boggling relationship range from which you may select your romantic potential. Now you can quit all your belly-aching about how there’s no available hot men out there—of course there are! The secret is in opening your eyes and your mind. But enough of the guesswork already, it’s time for our next quiz.

Relationships_pages

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page 97

Bring on the dating smorgasbord

FQuiz 10: The All-Sorts discovery tour Tick any of the following that appeal to you in any way at all.

 A bad boy with low-slung denims, tattooed torso and pierced privates.

 A dreamy, romantic guitar-playing poet who thinks authority is the capital of Venezuela.

 A lean, mean surfer machine with sunbaked smile, sea-bleached hair and washboard abs.

 A cute, muscular athletic guy—sporty with a dash of nice-boy-sexy.

 A 6-foot-6, Blundstone-wearing, ex-rugby-union country lad.

 A muscle-rippling gym junkie with a toned tushie and a penchant for tank tops.

 A coffee-skinned Latino with sensual lips, suave gear and a voice to match.

 A lean and lanky Web-designer with spiky hair and edgy street-funk style.

 A 5-foot-10 baggy brown cord-wearing sweetheart

with a steadfast love of grunge and all things green.

 A trim, toned trendoid with a Beckham-inspired ‘do’ and a designer wardrobe to match.

 A cuddly homebody who loves his twice weekly game of golf and his baked lamb dinners.

 A skull and crossbone ring-totin’, motorbike-riding tough guy.

97

Relationships_pages

6/30/04

4:07 PM

98

Page 98

Relationships That Rock!

 An Italian stallion with inch-thick gold chain and sausage-skin tight T-shirt.

 An Adidas-wielding clubber with turntables for fingers.  A Rolex-wielding, bling-bling, in dah house homeboy with parachute-style pants.

 A skater boy with baggy pants, chains and lots of ’tude.

 A smart, urban Hugo Boss clad professional.  A wannabe rock star complete with ‘look at me’ wardrobe and wild hair.

 A sexy, lean farmer who spends his day on his horse rounding up cattle.

 A neat and immaculately groomed modern day metrosexual.

 A beer-drinking footy-head who loves his women and his sport.

 A rockabilly quiff-topped leather-pants man.  An unassuming jeans and T-shirt honey who loves his music and motorbikes.

Right, let me ask you this—did you tick more than one? If you did—you’re on fire. Your All-Sorts imagination is going off. Yay you! You’re ready to open your mind and embrace views outside your zone; you’ve freed up some head space to let new romantic ideals form, all of which will help define your vision. Now for the fun part—get ready to flex your ‘love all kinds of men’ muscle.

Relationships_pages

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page 99

Bring on the dating smorgasbord

99

What happens when you shift your ideal? I know it’s easy to imagine who you think your perfect partner is, but as we’ve discussed you can learn a lot about what suits you simply by trying something different—and I do mean different! If you can just pull back a little from the microcosmic view of your dream lover—the squarejawed suavo you’re pining after—and look at the bigger picture, you will expand your viewfinder and give yourself an outlook that ultimately offers countless love-choices. While a cheerful, beer-swillin’ Aussie labourer may not be your first choice, you might find yourself coming round if you give it a go and unearth a bloke with larrikin charm, warmth, generosity and a backbone of steel. I’d always assumed that I would have the most in common with a person who had similar personality traits to mine, but thanks to the tyranny of time and experience I’ve finally worked out that I’m more interested in someone with the opposite characteristics. Duh! It took me a while to figure it out, but now I swear by it. One of the bonus by-products is that it allows me a basis for comparison to learn more about myself, and how I respond to and deal with situations. Likewise, your wish list might reveal that you’d quite like a strong, silent Mr Thatcher type hovering in the background, supporting you and cheering you on—just because you’re an ambitious, high-energy control freak doesn’t mean you can’t have that calm support base in your life. But if you’re calm and unflappable with the patience of a saint, you might be very nicely balanced with a hot-headed, Monarodriving stress head. In a perfect world he may take on some of your traits which in turn will take a lot of hi-octane pressure out of his life; similarly, you may find yourself taking on

Relationships_pages

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page 100

100

Relationships That Rock!

some of his more assertive, mad-boy characteristics which you could find refreshing. If you’ve previously found yourself stifled during time spent with Mr Needy, someone who was clingy and overly dependent—qualities, which as it turned out, brought out the worst in you—you might find that you’re more functional and generally better at being you with someone who is unpredictable, a little on the erratic side and independent enough to be going off and doing his own thing. Always remember, different worlds can still result in sizzling love sensibilities. The very fact that you can recognise that is an enormous accomplishment. Good for you! The point is you’re coming up with new ideals—down with type-mania! Tim and I are complete opposites in many ways. He’s a big party animal, he loves blowing money on expensive clothes and hanging out in the trendiest new hot spots. I, on the other hand, am more of a dag and a homebody, I’m good with my money and wouldn’t have a clue where the latest cool venue is. It works perfectly though. I don’t have to think about my social life because Tim helps me stay in the loop and keeps my social life happening, occasionally forcing me to part with my money so I don’t look too much of a dag. I manage our finances and keep him on an even keel. Julia, 28

Non-negotiable requirements The next step in developing your romantic boundaries is setting non-negotiable standards for yourself. Think of these as your future breathing apparatus. You’ll need them to help keep your choices on track; they’ll also improve your love life outta sight. Thanks to the diva in you, only the best will do,

Relationships_pages

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Bring on the dating smorgasbord

Page 101

101

so it makes perfect sense to come up with a checklist of the qualities your dream partner will need if he’s gonna have the privilege of your babelicious company. It’s equally important that you define the qualities you will not compromise on— don’t worry about superficial characteristics at this stage. Size, shape and colour are not part of the non-negotiable process, you’re only thinking about the Big Issues, not pecs versus personality. This checklist should include your criteria for age, lifestyle, interests, values, religion, race, philosophies, principles, integrity, morals—it’s a whole different ballgame to having Matching Personality Traits, which are about as useful as his ’n’ her cardigans. Stop reading right now and ask yourself which of the above qualities your current or past partner had. Right, now ask which ones will your desired partner need to have. Then move onto the more flexible characteristics—personality, status, profession—that kind of thing. Think of it this way: you may dream about a foxy, fun-lovin’ plaything who wines and dines you, flatters you senseless and makes you laugh till you drop—but what’s the point of any of that if he doesn’t possess any of the fundamental qualities necessary to build a strong, long-term, monogamous relationship? Once you’ve written down everything you can think of, you will find there will be some points that you need to stick with while there are others that you can be flexible about— you need to be certain about which is which. For example, religion may be a non-negotiable requirement while height, weight, hair colour and occupation are completely flexible under your new approach. It might be fundamental that he have an active interest in third world issues, but it doesn’t matter that he refuses to wear anything but Levi’s and

Relationships_pages

6/30/04

102

4:07 PM

Page 102

Relationships That Rock!

T-shirts. Don’t skimp on this wish list of what you’d most like in your next relationship, write down everything. Use it as a starting point to activate your imagination and flexibility, and expand on it in your notebook—be specific about what attitudes you will and will not accept.

Non-negotiables Ethics, morals and values. A History with addictions. A Attitudes to food, exercise and health. A Financial habits, background, career. A Personal and professional goals. A Spiritual or religious philosophy and practices. A Sexual history and attitudes. A Attitudes about love, commitment, children. A Past love-baggage, reasons for break-up—lessons learnt. A

Okay, done that? Good. It’s time to consolidate. We need to start cranking out some classifieds. Once you have identified the qualities that are most important to the development of your next relationship, it will be infinitely easier to get off your butt and begin experimenting with the All-Sorts, because hullo, now you have clarity and focus. Here’s the thing though—you really need to be serious about sticking to it. We’re not just doing this for fun. And it’s a tricky business too, since the question of how flexible you should be is crucial. It’s entirely up to you how close to perfect you’re willing to settle for.

Relationships_pages

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page 103

Bring on the dating smorgasbord

103

Now put the qualities you’ve selected into a profile like those listed below and you’ll soon see how viable it looks. Put it this way, you’ll have much more luck finding someone whose profile looks like this: Age 23–36 Nationality: non-important Religion: will consider all types Financial status: non-important but preferably employed Baggage: will consider partner with children from previous marriage Loves: children and animals Only honest, genuine, single need apply Must have a car No criminal record Than you will of finding someone: Age 24–26 Nationality: Aussie only need apply Religion: Catholic—Irish Catholic preferable Financial status: only those with fat bank account need apply Personal: Must be metrosexual Loves: Balinese home decor, medieval literature, Siamese cats Doesn’t drink/smoke or have any vices, for that matter Regardless of whether the guy you’re applying your checklist to is a world famous underwear model or appealingly sloppy, the list will be meaningless if you can’t get to the core of what

Relationships_pages

104

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page 104

Relationships That Rock!

he’s all about and bypass the superficialities. A creative way to go about this is by compiling an Emoto Personal—it will help clarify what’s going to work for you and against you. Write up a make-believe classified ad that describes who you think you are and the kind of relationship you’re looking for. Get the ball rolling with an ad that you could run publicly, either on the Internet or in a singles column. WANTED. I’m a busy, sassy girl with a packed social calendar and a bunch of great friends; I’m thinking that a funny, smart, attractive man who’s just as busy and active as me could be the complement that my life is ready for. I’m open, honest, caring and ready to share my life. If that sounds good to you, give me a call.

Right, an outline of the kind of partner that could work for you should be starting to emerge. Just to reiterate, the challenge here is to stay away from what used to be your type. And keep your checklist super-broad—we’re in All-Sorts land now, remember? That means really giving your imagination a workout to capture the kind of person you could easily picture spending quality time with.

Greetings from the world of All-Sorts Okay, now we’ll fill in the blanks to generate a composite image of the qualities you find necessary to form a partnership. We’ll start with the compatibility list. I was inspired by the book Are You The One For Me? by Barbara De Angelis. If you want to go into the compatibility stuff in way more

Relationships_pages

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Bring on the dating smorgasbord

Page 105

105

detail, I thoroughly recommend you read it. Otherwise make your own checklist based on the ten points below to determine the billions of different types you could find yourself attracted to.

Compatibility checklist 1. Physical style—hygiene, personal habits, fitness, appearance and eating habits. Let’s start by thinking about your fantasy physical ideal? What is it? Big, small, tall, lean, cuddly? What are your preferences looks-wise? Dark, blond, red-headed? Do you want to be with a vegetarian, a non-smoker, a drinker? A blood donor? Do you want someone who cares about his appearance and takes care of himself—healthwise and hygienically? Someone who exercises regularly and dresses well? Or, a guy who’s laid back in the style stakes and dresses in regulation jeans and T-shirt? 2. Emotional style—this is about the expression of feelings. How open is he? How does he regard the relationship? Or you for that matter? Is he prepared to ride down the emotional honesty trail with you? Do you have a need for a partner who will express thoughts openly and have no qualms about emotional honesty? Does the relationship need to nurture and support that kind of openness on your part? Do you crave romantic gestures? Attention for special occasions? Do you want someone who can demonstrate devotion, affection and commitment? Or does all that stuff freak you out?

Relationships_pages

106

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page 106

Relationships That Rock!

3. Social style—personality traits and how he interacts with others. Are you looking for someone with the same cultural outlook as you? Do you hope it will be reflected in your social tastes, your clothing, your philosophies and friends? Does he need to be outgoing? Warm, funny? Down to earth? Extrovert? Introvert? Assertive? Laid back? Casual? Serious? 4. Intellectual style—educational background, creative expressiveness, awareness/interest in world affairs. Do you feel it’s important to be well matched in terms of formal education, ongoing learning and current work/study levels? Do you need to share the same interests in politics, current affairs, reading and other intellectual pursuits? Do you want to be with someone who can match you when it comes to learning new things, lively debates and general interest in all things? 5. Sexual style—attitude, skill, ability to enjoy, inhibition, experience. Will you be compatible when it comes to sex? Do you want nights of wild abandon? And someone who’ll be willing to experiment? Or are you looking for comforting sex? Are you a sensual, assertive lover? Are you looking for seduction? Mystery and complete sexual freedom? Or do you prefer to snuggle and cuddle? Are you uncomfortable about certain sexual activities? What kind of inhibitions are you prepared to put up with in your partner?

Relationships_pages

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Bring on the dating smorgasbord

Page 107

107

6. Communication style—how he communicates and other forms of expression. Are you looking for someone assertive? Communicative? Or are you happy with a quieter partner who will hold back and let you drive the communication car? Do you feel you need to have similar styles of delivery? The same thought patterns, sense of humour and general chitchat? 7. Professional/financial style—relationship with money, attitude towards success, work and organisational habits. Are you at similar levels of professionalism with similar pay packets? Do you have similar outlooks when it comes to finance/saving/general money plans? 8. Personal growth style—attitude towards selfimprovement, ability to look at self and change, willingness to work on the relationship. Are you both interested in developing specific areas of your life, or is one a learner while the other prefers to kick back and watch TV with a beer? 9. Spiritual style—moral views, attitude towards a higher power, spiritual practices, philosophy of life. Are you both believers? Non-believers? Or somewhere in between? 10. Interests and hobbies—Travel, dance, animals. General lust for life. Do you share any similar hobbies/interests/passions?

Relationships_pages

108

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page 108

Relationships That Rock!

The above exercise has a dual purpose. Firstly, you will use it to assess the kind of man you’re looking for now; and then, when Mr Man saunters along you can sit down and go through it again to check that you’re on track. Joy, 36, on hubby Matt: Did Matt tick all my checklist boxes? The important ones, absolutely. He’s very funny and makes me laugh constantly. He’s incredibly caring and protective. I always fancied myself with a Hugh Grant type, self-deprecating and charming, and he’s definitely that. But he doesn’t look like Hugh Grant! And as I’ve got to know him more over the years I’ve come to realise that this person I thought was perfect is far from. If I had a checklist it’s not like he would tick every single box. However, I would say when you find something that is close enough to it to really make you go ‘Wow’, then you’re onto something.

Work out WHAT makes you happy, rather than WHO The next step is to work out what you want, as opposed to who. This is all about defining your specific relationship requirements and figuring out your personal needs. It’s really useful too, so don’t underestimate it—it can save you from going way off track. Always remember the No 1 Rule: You need a partner who can deliver what you need physically, emotionally, intellectually and spiritually, so figure out the big stuff first. It’s no good teaming up with someone who’s already got kids if you want kids down the track but he feels he’s been there and done that. Likewise, it’s worth checking if he’s the kind of guy who even wants to be in a committed relationship—that would be one of my priorities.

Relationships_pages

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Bring on the dating smorgasbord

Page 109

109

My friend Deanna carries around in her wallet a list that details all her relationship criteria. If her instincts get the slightest whiff of a sexy, available man, she’ll whip it out and go through it. If he doesn’t meet at least 7 out of her 10 conditions, she’ll don her Stetson, mount her stallion and gallop off into the sunset. Often it’s plain old common sense—if you’re a petite, energetic social butterfly who loves nothing more than sashaying around night after night in a whirlwind of partying, you’re not going to pair very well with a tubby, sports-loving couch potato, now are you? Likewise, a dynamic Mr Personality is all very well, but can he sustain your needs for commitment, loyalty, intimacy and trust? If charm and good looks are your weakness, toughen up, because it’s likely you’re setting yourself up for failure. So, grab that pen again and get writing. List the ten things you hope to gain from your relationship. And go back and look at the list from time to time to see how it evolves. Once you’ve committed yourself to paper, you’ll feel more in touch with your needs.

Babes in Boyland Once you’ve established a more expansive view of what’s negotiable/allowable, you’ll be better positioned to get to work on your non-negotiable requirements. Capiche? It helps to get a practical perspective on this as well, so I’m going to set you an exercise—and I think it’s one you’re gonna like. Grab a friend and arrange to go out for a drink one night. Once there, look around the room and spot the many different All-Sorts. Watch their body language, the way they interact with their friends and their lovers. Check out what they’re wearing and specifically what it is about them that

Relationships_pages

110

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page 110

Relationships That Rock!

catches your eye. Observe the characteristics that do it for you—and I’m not talking about looks, I’m talking about the atmosphere that surrounds them. How would you describe the tone of the person you’re looking at? Quiet? Raucous? Obnoxious? Is he the leader of the Rat-Pack or the gentle onlooker of the group? Rather than focusing on how hot he looks, observe how he carries himself, his posture, how he handles himself around others and puts himself forward in public. Try to imagine the private person he might be. Mentally select the guys that you might seriously give the time of day to.

Make these boy-watch sessions regular This will help you workshop the character traits that you find attractive, rather than just focusing on looks. You’ll find yourself going beyond the aesthetic image, which is once again too limiting. It’s all very well having a toned, tanned surfer boy lazing around, but the important issue is not what he looks like, but whether or not you can ultimately depend on him— no question. And you know, this is no different to falling in love with someone online—how do you think it became such a phenomenon? People fall in love sight unseen all the time, because they’re smart enough to know that it’s the essence of the person that’s No. 1, not whether they’ve got tight buns or not. You might be expecting a perfect ten, but hey, have you looked in the mirror lately? Make these boy-watch sessions regular and work on creating a ‘mental snapshot’ of the kind of man you’d like to meet—and remember, this doesn’t mean his looks but the sorts of traits you should stand firm on. By being proactive and thinking about it, you’ll find it easier

Relationships_pages

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Bring on the dating smorgasbord

Page 111

111

to hit the ground running when you recognise your desired qualities. All this harks back to the stuff your mum told you— remember how she used to nag you to go out with next door’s geeky nice boy Tom when you were far more interested in doing Bad Boy Watch with Randy, the rough diamond. Of course your mum never asked, ‘Who’s the hottie?’ She just curled her lip in disapproval—and that was half the fun. Ironically, things don’t change that radically when we’re adults; unconsciously we’re still driven to make choices our parents would disapprove of. It’s just the way it is. We’re all kids at heart. When we grow up we still tend to base our ideals on silly, out of reach fantasies. C’mon admit it—you still think in terms of the planet’s leading men when it comes to your type, don’t you? So who is it this week? The Brad Pitt type? The Colin Farrel type? Hugh Grant? Justin Timberlake? Johnny Depp (now that’s my type!!)? And while it’s fun to have these heart-throb ideals, it’s silly to confuse fantasy with reality and—as I am determined to drum into you—it makes no sense to base a type on such a narrow ideal. Screw that! Hopefully by now you’ll have started to imagine someone who knocks your socks off with his eternal optimism, immaculate hygiene and strength of personality— especially if your usual type comes in a cloak of whisky and cigarette-charged testosterone breath, reads Rolling Stone, not the Bulletin, and listens to Metallica not Tori Amos.

Don’t take yourself too seriously, you heartbreaker you My power-babe girlfriend Helena had a fling with Sean, an electrifying spunk she’d met at uni. He was upfront about the fact that he didn’t want to settle down, not now and probably

Relationships_pages

112

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page 112

Relationships That Rock!

not ever. She had a great big think about it, and decided to live on the wild side—she was a Modern Single Girl she rationalised, and a sexy fling was exactly what Dr Love had ordered. So off they went. Right from the word go it was lavishly sexual, fraught with tension and crackling chemistry, laced with lust and above all—exciting. Up until the time he traded her in for another student, that is. And wouldn’t you know it? Of course it had to be one of her friends. It turned out that ‘discerning’ wasn’t one of his major qualities. For the next six months, Helena had to suffer the noxious indignity of watching the two of them grope each other. The thing was, and this was the scary part, he’d made such an impact on her that once the relationship went kaput, she found she was left with a sick fascination for men who demonstrated the same conniving qualities. If they didn’t have them, she wouldn’t give them the time of day. Music was one of her criteria—if they weren’t into the same music she was into, she simply wasn’t interested. Still single 18 months later, she had a coffee with Patrick, a guy from the student union. They were working on the uni paper together—she was writing film reviews, he wrote the occasional poem and reviewed CDs. She was struck by the fact that he was into her kinda music and gradually she realised that she really enjoyed his company. What she liked in particular was his whimsical take on life and his jaunty smile. But, and let’s make this perfectly clear, it wasn’t the same blinding kamikaze explosion that she’d experienced with Sean. It was quiet, calm, there was no drama, no fireworks and, well . . . it was nice. Especially the way he listened to her. And looked her right in the eye when she spoke. Another bonus point was his self-effacing sense of humour, which allowed him to

Relationships_pages

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Bring on the dating smorgasbord

Page 113

113

divulge some intriguing and cryptically revealing stories about his life and how he’d come to be the person he was today. She found herself drawn to him in the most ingenuous way. It wasn’t a life or death situation, more a feeling of slow comfort, trust and warmth spreading towards this man who seemed so very, very interested in her and her life. When he turned up to take her out to dinner one night, bearing an excellent bottle of white, a bunch of hot pink gerberas and wearing his T-shirt with soul—she knew she would surrender. She also noticed with a start that he had the warmest, glossiest brown eyes . . . That night, their relationship took the emotional elevator up to the next level where they stepped off at the floor called Ladies and Gents Getting To Know Each Other Better. Two years later and still happily coupled, she realised that she could indeed live without the drama and the hi-octane lifestyle, but she ouldn’t live without the truth, honesty, humility and love that a genuine relationship could offer. This was the real thing. Memo to self: All you’re looking to do at this stage is draw new people to you and widen your social scene. The way to do that is to approach your situation with optimism, a sense of humour and not take yourself too seriously, you heartbreaker you. You might be a kick-ass professional in your career life but that doesn’t automatically translate to being a relationship mastermind—this is where you need to put in the extra legwork. If you’re getting pissed off because you’ve been well and truly ready to meet someone for ages and you still haven’t—stop whining and get out of the house! Once you change your thinking, the whole idea of meeting your Man Match becomes more tangible and, before you know it,

Relationships_pages

114

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page 114

Relationships That Rock!

it’ll start to take on a life of its own. It’s exhilarating, isn’t it? Bottom line—it’s compulsory to be open minded, since that’s the foundation upon which you can build your broad new guidelines, no question.

What about the personal qualities you bring to the table? Enough about him already! Now it’s time to list the characteristics that sum you up. Yes, and not just the flattering ones. We want warts and all. Locating the persistent negative patterns in your current or past relationships is the first step to understanding what will work on the sheer basis of knowing what doesn’t work! I’ve roped in Suki, who you’ll get to know more of over the next few chapters. Suki’s 29, her father’s Aussie and her mother’s Japanese. She grew up in Australia and has bravely volunteered herself as a case study to share her past relationship history. To get the ball rolling I asked her to outline the qualities she’s taken to her relationships. She’s been very honest about who she is and more than generous when it comes to listing her not-so-flattering characteristics. They include: prone to a hot temper, impatient with a tendency to be controlling, stubborn, loath to change and a tendency towards pessimism. On the upside she’s loyal, funny, generous, intelligent and successful. By studying the negative traits she’s been attracted to in past relationships, Suki can see why her self-esteem has taken the battering it has—largely because she had come to look at herself as a person who wholly deserved and even expected to be lied to, cheated on, exploited and misused.

Relationships_pages

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Bring on the dating smorgasbord

Page 115

115

I’m going to go through each of Suki’s past relationships, using the negative and positive characteristics that she listed for each of her previous partners. Then I’ll ask you to do the same. A

Dan: Emotionally closed. Extremely intelligent. Introverted. Artistic. Shy. Distant. Honest. Supportive. Generous. Best friend.

A

Tim: Ambitious. Materialistic. Quiet, homebody. Uninspired, boring. Disinterested in cultural pursuits like movies or bands. Passive-aggressive. Critical. Unsupportive. Competitive. Stereotypical old-fashioned beliefs, e.g. has to be the main income earner. Not a romantic bone in his body.

A

Alan: Liar, cheat, manipulator. Good-looking. Stubborn. Needy. Underachiever. Outgoing, extrovert. Moody. Depressed. Low sex drive. Unfaithful. Impractical. Critical. Romantic. Thoughtful when he wanted to be.

A

John: Controlling, possessive, territorial, jealous. Guarded. Untrustworthy. Needy. Exploitative. Thoughtless. Immature and outrageous, with ability to shock. A space cadet with an explosive temper. As functional as a fireman without the fun of the uniform.

A

Lee: Hopeful, optimistic. Affectionate. Thoughtful, kind, generous, patient, supportive. Loyal, honest, loving, reliable. Emotionally open and accessible. Intelligent, imaginative. Successful.

Relationships_pages

116

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page 116

Relationships That Rock!

When I sat down and went over these lists with Suki, we looked first for the list that had the biggest number of positive qualities. It was—surprise, surprise—Lee, her current partner, who boasted the stand-out qualities—no wonder they’re still together. Dan came in second, a guy who Suki had been with for four years. Their relationship broke up amicably and they’re still good friends today. When we looked for the list with the greatest number of negatives, it was John’s and Tim’s—perhaps that explains why these were the shortest of her relationships but, ironically, the ones that scarred her the most and tortured her the longest. If you congratulate Suki on her love-choice with Lee, as I did, she’ll confess that she made so many unhealthy lovechoices in the past because she kept repeating her pesky habit of trying to ‘change the man she’s with’ into ‘who she wanted him to be’. Oops. WARNING. A big no-go zone. She’d also spent time with totally incompatible short-term heartbreakers like Alan, who finally did her head in. Like so many of us, she’s loved men for all the wrong reasons. Finally she said, ‘Bye jerk. Die jerk.’ With Lee, she chose not to leave it to luck. She went into it with the point of view that this guy was different and that could only be a good thing! She was ready for something special. She was sick of the destruction. Tired of the pointless frustration of dead-end relationships. Her radar had malfunctioned one too many times and she was over it. The solution for Suki was to make a thoughtful and inspired choice about the right person based on the qualities that matched her checklist. In the final analysis, you have to recognise that the way you want to be treated and the type of person you would like to ultimately attract comes down to more than just luck. We all know that falling in love is not an administrative

Relationships_pages

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Bring on the dating smorgasbord

Page 117

117

detail—but it really does involve a combination of the practical and the mystical: planning, strategising and a bit of navel-gazing. This might not sound very romantic, but neither is spending time with a loser who’s gonna leave a trail of mass destruction when he says, ‘check yah’. It’s only when you’ve firmed up those personal boundaries, and you’ve decided what you will and won’t accept, that you’re likely to attract a partner who’s good for your soul—like warm chicken soup. Here are the Three Golden Rules: A A A

Take the time to write down your ‘must have’ list. Make it a mantra to your friends and family. Warn them to pull you up if you look in danger of going off track.

It may sound clinical, but it’s no more so than weighing up job choices or planning a career. We do work harder for the things that mean the most to us. If you only have a vague or ambiguous idea about what you’re looking for, you’re likely to fill in the blanks to your own detriment. That’s why it’s so important to sit down and figure it out. The most direct hotline towards a healthy relationship is to model it on a considered and well thought out ideal. That’s what Suki and Lee are doing—together they’re working hard to make it work. The fact is that no one teaches us how to fine-tune our judgment when it comes to what we do and don’t want in a relationship. The onus is on us to take what we can from past experiences, learn from them, and build up our own checklist, skewed to our own real desires. Which is why you’re here. Oh, and because you’re smart and you’ve got good taste!

Relationships_pages

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page 118

8

What’s age got to do with it? What woman over 30 isn’t concerned about men, work, relationships and fighting Mother Nature? I’ve spent many long evenings alone in front of the television with a bag of Doritos. Renee Zellweger Before we go any further, let’s have a look at the relevance of age—after all, it’s a pretty big factor that can change our attitude towards the ‘is he the one?’ question. The things we look for in someone when we’re 15 (skater boy) varies wildly from what we want when we’re 22 (a hipster in a rock band) and again when we’re 30 (a smart, focused guy with a job). In our twenties it’s often easier to accept a fantastic fling as just that. You know it’s not a long-term prospect and that doesn’t necessarily bother you. That’s because in your twenties you’ve got the luxury of time on your hands and a mistake, if it’s fun, is never really a biggie. I remember a phase during uni when I

Relationships_pages

6/30/04

4:07 PM

What’s age got to do with it?

Page 119

119

was going out with a beautiful Malaysian boy who was over here on a scholarship; he was shy and quiet but his deep intelligence, gentle soul and liquid brown eyes rendered me helpless. Several weeks in, I remember telling a friend that even though I knew he wasn’t The One, we were having such a great time that I didn’t want to finish it. The problem was I couldn’t help feeling guilty about it. She turned to me and in her sassy way said, ‘Go for it! If you’re having a good time, why stop?’ Her point was, who says it has to end in Something Big? I took her advice and he and I spent an awesome year together which came to its natural conclusion when he got on a plane headed back to Malaysia. She was right; it was never destined to go beyond that, but as a fling it worked beautifully. There’s just no doubt that things are a hell of a lot easier in your twenties. There’s no need to panic when time is on your side, which means dating tends to run a lot more smoothly. There’s also the added benefit of a wider social circle, which increases your chances of meeting a partner chazillionfold. Even just hanging out with family and friends brings couples together—you’re busy playing sport, going to parties and clubs, seeing bands, meeting friends of friends and only idly wondering when you’ll bump into Mr Right. Your twenties is a time to consolidate what you learnt in your teens; you’re also distracted from forming a serious relationship by the pressure of developing your career and earning a disposable income to help fuel a good time. The twenties is a time for reckless abandon, the joys of adulthood and sexual relationships. It’s when you get a sneak preview of the person you’re going to be in the next 20 years. By the time you reach your thirties, you might start thinking you should be feeling more responsible, more advanced

Relationships_pages

120

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page 120

Relationships That Rock!

than you already are. I know I did. ‘The weird thing about it,’ I said over a glass of champagne at my thirtieth birthday dinner, ‘is I just don’t feel 30—and . . . it’s confusing.’ Looking back I can see why I was confused. I was single. I was in a crazy, crazy job that stressed me out and frazzled my brain. I just didn’t really feel like I had it going on. There’s clearly an expectation we put on ourselves that by the time we reach the big three-oh we’d better be on track, whether it’s career, marriage, children or a relationship. So if you’ve arrived at your thirties and hit a singles phase, you’ve probably found yourself stewing away in the emotional pressure cooker, spending way too much time drumming your fingers on the crystal ball, and wondering just when you’ll meet your Significant Other. Your social life may have shrunk dramatically because the groups you hung out with in your twenties have started to couple up and fizzle out. With a smaller circle, you’ve probably stopped going out as often. And hey, if you’re totally focused on work, study, money and career—where exactly are you supposed to find the time to stake out the love of your life? You’ve probably also become more conscious of ‘wasting time’, which is often how we interpret time spent with the wrong partners. How often do you hear thirty-somethings disembark from a doomed relationship muttering, ‘Well, that was two years down the drain.’ Mainly women, of course—it’s a biologically driven emotion based on the tick, tick, ticking of our baby clocks. A relationship break-up in our thirties may lead to the sinking feeling that this is our last shot at the human jackpot. I remember seeing Jennifer Aniston’s Rachel character in Friends doing a fast and furious countdown on her thirtieth birthday. Basically it went like this: If she wanted a baby by 35, she had to conceive at 34. That meant getting

Relationships_pages

6/30/04

4:07 PM

What’s age got to do with it?

Page 121

121

married at 31, engaged at 30 and meeting someone by 29 at the latest. A realisation she met with abrupt alarm. How to overcome this? Remind yourself that with a western divorce rate of around 50 per cent, half of those smug married friends who’ve avoided the long single phase may well end up back on the shelf any day now (ouch, nasty). Wouldn’t you rather wait a little longer than planned and (hopefully) get it right? Then there’s the fabulous forties, which are the new thirties. Yay! And even though we read time and time again that this is when it’s hardest to find a man, you’re more likely to get eaten by a giraffe, whatever, there is the humungous advantage that at this age you’re usually pretty clear about who you are and you’re not mucking around when it comes to finding a partner. That means two things—you can have an easier time meeting your Significant Other on the basis that you know exactly what you’re looking for, and you get the added bonus of the recycling of divorced men who are looking for a new wife. The other bonus that the forty-something woman brings to a relationship is her wisdom and experience. Chances are she knows what makes her happy and once that’s sorted out it’s so much easier to keep someone else happy. She’s also at a stage where she is likely to have progressed with career, and/or child rearing, to a point where she’s more content to focus on a relationship.

Over to you To summarise, you’ve defined the ‘what’ and the ‘who’ of the kind of relationship and partner you’re striving for. You now have a clear idea of your non-negotiable requirements; you’ve

Relationships_pages

122

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page 122

Relationships That Rock!

sussed out that emotional intelligence, communication and honesty are your non-flexible requirements—good! And you’ve loosely identified what you will and won’t put up with. Excellent! You’re becoming crystal clear about your composite vision; you’re open to new packaging and you’re willing to vary your approach and try on some different styles. You’re primed to broaden out your mindset. You’re not stuck on one image of how Mr Wonderful will look. Your new All-Sorts guidelines have opened your taste and your imagination. You’re well on your way to becoming a Certified Professional with a sophisticated focus and a greatly expanded pool of potentials. You should be able to say, ‘I’m doing everything I can to weigh up my relationship options. I’m ready to surge forward and make an informed, educated decision about the next person I open my life up to.’ And you know what, it feels good when you say it out loud, so go on—try it! Now all you have to do is follow through and expand your horizons by meeting and dating all different kinds of chaps, particularly those who break your old moulds. And yes, I know you need chemistry for relationship sizzle, but who says you can’t get it from trying sexy new packaging? You could find yourself in for quite the surprise party. In the next few chapters we’ll prepare you for your first encounters with the All-Sorts in the not so seamy world of dating. YOUR CHALLENGE I want you to cast your mind back to the time you were happiest in a relationship. That’s right—when you were at your most ecstatic, excited and in lurve. This is the phase I want you to remember, relish, take aim and live for again! I want you to list everything you remember about that period,

Relationships_pages

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page 123

What’s age got to do with it?

123

how you talked, dressed, thought and acted. What made it special and what did your partner do that made the good times so memorable? Make yourself conscious of every quality that made you happy. Take your mind back to the context of the relationship and really visualise the good stuff. Maybe it was the quiet Sundays spent at home, the times you shared with friends, the OS holidays, or when you first moved in together? Whatever it was, record it and chart it. Start by writing down your favourite memory and enjoy cherishing that memory. Some of your ex’s best characteristics might be buried under his worst, but they just might be the ones you’ve forgotten to look for in your current search. Your approach to life and relationships is now entirely up to you. There are no guarantees, so avoid subscribing to what society and our families tell us we should be doing. Who cares what they say? We say life is short!

Part II in a nutshell A

Write a Letter of Intent about the partner and the relationship you envisage.

A

Be clear about your romantic boundaries, which include your non-negotiable requirements.

A

Keep adding to your relationship checklist.

A

Refuse to be limited by your old ‘types’.

A

Banish romantic impulse purchases and concentrate instead on your new All-Sorts approach.

Relationships_pages

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page 124

Relationships_pages

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page 125

part III

Putting the word out

Relationships_pages

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page 126

Relationships_pages

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page 127

9

Where are you on the dating food chain? Right. Let’s review what we’ve done so far. We’ve assessed your levels of self-esteem (tick), your love expectations (tick), and what you’re looking for in your ideal mate (tick). By now you should have a clear idea of how to dress to your best advantage, flirt like a minx, hone your party skills and get exactly what you want in the romance lottery. You’re ready to launch yourself into the dating arena armed with the survival tactics you need to make it a light and breezy affair. Rock ’n’ roll gal pal—prepare for take-off. To make that massive leap forward into the land of lurve, you’re not only gonna need your wits about you—you’ll need loads of self-confidence and inner resources. Jumping requires a leap of faith, and that demands crates of courage, which is of course fuelled by confidence.

Pash and dash—and dating heaven Gone are the good old days when the dating ritual was oh so simple. Those gals from the fifties saw someone they liked,

Relationships_pages

128

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page 128

Relationships That Rock!

got married, had kids and that was pretty much that. They waited to be asked. They never ever rang, left voicemail messages, emailed, texted, propositioned (what!) and basically played by The Rules. Not so today! We’re not so shy. We’ll ask them out all right! We’ll call, we’ll email—we might even send them chocolate-coated condoms. We’re living in an age that applauds the assertive modern woman and tells us it’s okay to smoulder while we’re being bolder. Hooray! So we go out on a limb and things can either go beautifully right or brutally wrong. There’s a risk of humiliation if things stuff up, which—without wanting to discourage you—can result in a shattering loss of confidence and a promise to never go there again. Disasters like this happen because the safety net that once dictated sexual behaviour patterns has been taken away, and neither sex really knows how they’re supposed to act. It stands to reason when you consider the women’s movement has had 40 years to consolidate but, ahem, when did you last hear about the men’s movement and their views on sexual behaviour? Exactly! Men’s issues have a lot of catching up to do before there’s any chance that they’ll be resolved. But you know what? Sometimes you just gotta take a leap of faith. And let’s face it—our culture isn’t very big on dating. I’ve got plenty of friends who have never been on an actual date! I’m sure you do too. And these are friends with partners! Ask them how they got together and they’ll give you the standard Aussie answer—they met at a party, got trashed and ended up together. Fantastic! It’s a cultural thing. Very much in tune with our casual way of life—barbecues, party pashes and beer goggles. Dating in Australia, when it happens, goes something like this: you meet, plan how to accidentally on purpose

Relationships_pages

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page 129

Where are you on the dating food chain?

129

meet up again, weaken your target with killer flirting techniques, and the rest, as they say, is history. Our dating landscape is way different to, let’s say, America, where dating is a way of life. You just have to walk down the street to get asked on a date. Really! If you want to understand the true concept and definition of dating, this is it—there’s absolutely no formality or any prerequisite to know the other person first. You can forget that, just ask them out! It seems crazy but hey, at least you get to meet a lot of potentials. And always remember this: MOST MEN WILL BE CHUFFED TO BE ASKED OUT BY A WOMAN, EVEN IF YOU’RE NOT HIS TYPE. Women are often the initiators of a date. Men can seem quite lost in this area—they don’t know who they should approach, if they should approach, what they should say or how serious or cocky they should be; they’ve probably been rejected themselves at some point and, as you well know—it hurts! Bottom line, we’re all as vulnerable as each other but I have a hunch that he’s probably more terrified than you! Either way, it’s pretty nerve-racking falling for someone—life would be easier if we respected that and treated each other with kindness. If you’re going to say ‘no’ to someone, you don’t have to diminish them. Act with humility please. And always remember karma! It’s useful to rope in the special people in your lives to help out—they should be able to help refresh your (sometimes selective) memory about what you do and don’t like, based on your romantic track record. And hey, if you plan on making it to the Relationship Olympics anytime soon, you’ll need all the support you can get. Let your friends be your silent panel of judges when it comes to offering useful feedback—

Relationships_pages

6/30/04

130

4:07 PM

Page 130

Relationships That Rock!

they’re the ones most likely to remember the gory details from your relationship from hell, things that even you may have forgotten in a bid to block it out forever! This opens up an interesting point when you do meet someone—what if your friends give him the thumbs down? Do you ditch him, or tell them to talk to the hand? How important is it that your friends actually approve? They can have a powerful influence over your choices—if you let them. We’ll look at how friends impact romance in more detail in Part IV.

Proud to be single Being single and unashamed of it is a big part of being a successful single. Why? Because when you’ve got nothing to hide you’ll find more options suddenly appear on the horizon. How? Well, for a start you’re not afraid of telling your friends and anyone who cares to listen that you’re single. Single and proud. You’re putting the word out in the hope that a friend may have a cute single friend and so forth. Blind dates arranged by (meddling) friends may seem a bit over the top if you’re not in the mood, but if you’re prepared to put yourself out on a limb you could find that this is one of the most sure-fire ways to meet someone special. You also make yourself irresistible if you show the world that you’re cheerful about your status. If you’ve got a mischievous grin on your face, a sparkle in your eye and you are genuinely happy—you’re going to intrigue. Those smug couples around you will wonder how you can have it so good when you go about your business armed with a secret smile (you know, if they don’t, that every day that goes by brings you closer to finding your match). It’s not a cliché at all—like honey to a bee, happy, shiny people are magnets. Like attracts

Relationships_pages

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page 131

Where are you on the dating food chain?

131

like and success breeds success. The bottom line is this—if you’re happy, approachable, playful and fun, you’re never going to have a problem widening your social and romantic network. But first you’ve got to get a handle on the quality control issue. If you’re quietly confident in the knowledge that someone will come along eventually and you’re absolutely flat chat doing your own thing—busy on the weekends, on the go 24/7—you’re doing the right thing. If on the other hand you’re not making any effort to move out of your comfort zone and you’re not putting yourself in situations where you’ll meet new people—you, my friend, are stuck on the horns of a dilemma. Forget about meeting Mr Marvellous if you keep on plodding around in the same old circles—you’ll just get dizzy. I’m not saying that you should cut your ties altogether, but honey, you need to get out of your zombie zone. How else do you think you’ll get to access the swarms of sexy-testo-metrosexuals out there? When I was in the final phases of my singledom I’d been in the full-time workforce for years. I’d soldiered along week in, week out, putting in the hours and the overtime, when a chance meeting with a well-known scriptwriter catapulted me out of my lethargy and led me to enrol in a six-week course in scriptwriting. It was the longest time I’d ever taken off work in one go. When I found myself spending my days back in the hallowed halls of a uni, I’d never felt so good. It was the best refresher. A real tonic. A reminder of how good it felt being on that learning curve. But, learning aside, it was also a haven for drop-dead gorgeous men. Matureage students, filmmakers and guest lecturers—the place was crawling with them! And most of them fitted my criteria to a t: artistic, intellectual, brooding, dressed in black. It was such a

Relationships_pages

6/30/04

4:07 PM

132

Page 132

Relationships That Rock!

wake-up call to know that this league of males existed in an environment that I loved—a real eye-opener. Getting out of my work rut for a few weeks showed me that there was, in fact, life outside the office.

Getting started can be hard The fact remains that dating’s usually the last thing on your mind while you’re doing a post-mortem on the last relationship. The mere idea of getting snuggly with somebody else is daunting, especially if you’re still all sad and heartbroken. But, as time progresses, you’ll find yourself s-l-o-w-l-y starting to think about it. Then, when you’re ready to entertain the possibility of meeting someone new, you may get another rude shock—uh-oh! you don’t know where to start. A A

Fact Dating can be traumatic—get used to it. Fact It can also be the best time of your life.

Here are my tips on how to get a date, handily divided into three easy steps. 1. Leave the house; 2. Smile; 3. Drink champagne. And this is the age-old secret to meeting someone— getting out more. Sound simple? Well, it is! It just takes all the motivation you can muster. Sure, there are those cold, rainy nights where nothing beats doing the horizontal tango with your sofa, a glass or two of red wine and a good chick-flick but hey, there are seven nights in a week! If you decide that at least one of those is going to involve socialising, you’ll increase your chances of meeting someone ten squillionfold. Or at the very least you’ll bump into someone who makes you go ‘Mmmm’. You’ll become a modern day go-for-it single who will no longer think of finding a foxy partner as a

Relationships_pages

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page 133

Where are you on the dating food chain?

133

random act, without purpose or process. And hopefully guys share the same view. I love going on dates, even if it leads to nothing. I put myself in the frame of mind that it’s a night out, a bit of fun with a ‘friend’. I assume that first, and if anything else comes of it, that’s a bonus. I don’t think of it as a failed night if I realise she’s not my type. Dale, 31 If this dating stuff is all kind of new to you, best to go in S-L-O-W-L-Y. Be prepared to take the time to understand the slightly bizarre intricacies of the dating culture. Don’t be too gung-ho about it—try to get past the idea that you’re on the hunt to meet someone who will Love, Honour and Obey you. And don’t mouth the ‘I must find someone tonight, I must find someone tonight’ mantra before you go out, because you’ll be setting yourself up for failure—it’s just the way it goes. Seriously. Another thing—and I want to be sure you’re clear about this—DO NOT fall into the trap of fantasising about a happy ending every time you meet someone. Let’s not go there. It’s too much pressure—kind of like starting a job and deciding you’ll stay there for the rest of your life. It doesn’t pan out that way, does it? No, and it’s not like that in Relationshipsville either. Nor does it help to place a huge level of expectation on a first, second or even third date. He hasn’t rung, oh fuck. I’m so confused. Whole dating game is like hideous game of bluff and double bluff with men and women firing at each other from opposite lines of sandbags. It’s as if there is a set of rules that you are supposed to be sticking to, but no-one knows what they are so everyone just makes

Relationships_pages

134

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page 134

Relationships That Rock!

up their own. Then you end up getting chucked because you didn’t follow the rules correctly, but how could you be expected to when you didn’t know what they were in the first place? Helen Fielding, Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason Best to be lighthearted—approach your dating phase with optimism and curiosity, not desperation or delusion. You’re a Modern Single Girl doing what all assertive women do in the name of love—you’re putting on a good front in all your social opportunities. Be prepared to give it a go—you’ll be a total babe-magnet if you’re the eternal idealist. But it’s too early to uncork the champers yet. Just take each day as it comes and try to look at the whole game impartially, keep your common sense and humour about you, and you won’t go wrong. As far as conducting yourself in the dating arena, try to concentrate on being yourself. Don’t pretend to be something you’re not—it will always come back to bite you on the ass. Hold onto your dignity, your self-respect and stay out of the crazy zone. And hey, look on the bright side—you’re out there meeting new All-Sorts and getting your ego stroked. The fun of it is—you can collect your stories and serve them up for your gal pals to ooh and aah over instead of becoming bitter and disappointed when a date doesn’t score a perfect 10. At the end of the day one thing’s for certain, if you want romance you need to go on dates—it’s the only way to shift from point A to point B. You know what they say in Alcoholics Anonymous: you can’t keep doing the same thing and expect to get a different result from it. Besides: A

You’re road-testing your dating skills and polishing your relationship qualifications.

Relationships_pages

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page 135

Where are you on the dating food chain? A

A

A

135

You’re acquiring a more self-assured manner as you power through Datesville. You’re meeting new people who presumably have cute friends. You like the element of surprise and you never know what’s going to happen once you spruce up and step out that door.

This is the last time you ever go to a dive like this one . . . It can be hard to define your romantic goals when you’ve had a bad experience, like the time you unwillingly stepped into a not so swanky, meathead-filled bar on a Saturday night with your freshly blonded, glamazonian-drinking pardner who turned every head in the room. You trotted along beside her feeling like the world’s frumpiest plain Jane and reminded yourself that sexuality doesn’t come from your clothes, it comes from the person—anyway, good hard bodies are overrated, damn it. Deep down you were silently grateful that you weren’t attracting the drunken beer-goggled jerks that were swarming around but, hey, getting ignored is never fun. Blondie gets chatted up all night while you get a few curious looks and some of her rejects make a clumsy attempt to include you in the conversation. You turn your long face away and fake an avid interest in the rugby replay up on the big screen. ‘Fuck it!’ you think. This is so not the place that will bring your wishful romantic fantasies to life—this is the last time you ever come out to a dive like this one. Experiences like this can be mortifying, confidenceshattering stuff. If that’s the effect that hitting the town is having on you, it’s best to avoid that kind of place altogether

Relationships_pages

136

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page 136

Relationships That Rock!

and make your destinations the kind of venue where you will meet a Thinking Girl’s Man. It’s no use hanging out where all the guys are authorities on ten different kinds of fan belt if it’s a meeting of the minds you’re after! Let’s not beat around the bush, it can be tough out there (yes, yes, I hear your collective groan) and it takes some almighty planning to get it happening, but once you’re up and running you’ll love it. Trust me. If it’s a turbo-charged challenge you’re after—dating is it! It’s not like when you’re part of a couple and you’re only dealing with one man at a time—you could find yourself juggling six at once and hey, that’s scary. Less scary though when you realise every moron you unearth during the dating process is one less moron you risk spending your life with.

Relationships_pages

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page 137

10

Getting out there A huge bonus for you, Missy, is the number of opportunities opening up for singles that were unheard of once upon a time. Forget sleazy singles bars; today’s modern single is superbly accommodated by a variety of cool ways to meet fellow singlezoids. Nevertheless, it’s still hard to meet someone when your confidence is low. And whichever way you approach it, there’ll still be days where you want to thump your head against a wall in frustration. Unless your self-image is running at a healthy level, you’ll probably have a hard time dealing with it. Truly. It can be hard believing week after week, which can turn into month after month, that yes, you are going to find your romantic gladiator—but persistence pays. Like anything else, the results of this exercise will come from 10 per cent inspiration and 90 per cent perspiration. Right now we’re entering the perspiration stage—and this is where you need to do some more self-work. Before we can

Relationships_pages

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page 138

138

Relationships That Rock!

truly define your romantic goals we’ve got to figure out what makes you tick. Self-information is power, and you’ll need it by the truckload when you’re stationed out there in Singlesville. That means ditching the bar and club scene for a moment and using your imagination to focus on what you’re genuinely interested in.

Education (yes!) can help . . . Enter Operation Detonate. I’m going to ask you to make a list of stuff you love doing. Let’s crank it! Whip out the pen and pad and rack your brain as you crank out every passion and interest you’ve ever had—no matter how crazy. Use your imagination. Fantasise about what you’d love to be in this life. A master chef? A TV presenter? A trapeze artist? A marine biologist? Whatever your dream, go forth and find a workshop that’s gonna let you act it out. The stuff you loved doing as a kid can also provide a hot source of social potential. What was it? Playing an instrument? Surfing? Rescuing stray animals? Tap dancing? Well, this is the time to join up for classes. The point is, you’re never too old to have a bash at something again and there are groups and clubs for everything under the sun. So it’s time for a renaissance mission. You will need to collect as much info as you can about your new interest. You can start by using the Internet or the Yellow Pages to check out your local community college adult education courses, TAFE and uni to look up a course that you’ve always wanted to do but never had the time. I’m talking to you, You Thinking Person Single; it’s no surprise that adult education is at an all-time high. Soaking up some learning while we’re looking for lurve makes an interesting premise. Invite some consciousnessraising stuff into your world: become an activist, a volunteer,

Relationships_pages

6/30/04

Getting out there

4:07 PM

Page 139

139

be useful in your community, raise a pet. Do something. ANYTHING. Remember we want action, not excuses. So do whatever you like, whether it’s rocking out to your favourite live bands or riding your body board—get out there and do it, ’cos that’s where you’ve got the best chance of finding not one but many like-minded buddies. Incidentally, a single gal pal of mine who joined up for sailing lessons hooked up with a fellow yachtsman at the local marine club—so if you were to ask what she got out of it, my guess is she’d answer, ‘A very nice live-in boyfriend, thank you very much’—but that’s besides the point. The boyfriend is a bonus, not the incentive for going there in the first place. What you’re after is a well-rounded knowledge base to complement your broad new tastes. You’re not concerned with finding Mr Right at this point—you’re only interested in making a human connection and learning something. Life doesn’t need to be safe and dull. You don’t need to be bored out of your brain—there’s way too much to do and far too much goin’ on. There’s another thing to think about too. If you’re worried your conversational skills are going to let you down—work on them! As with everything, there are techniques for becoming a master communicator and breaking the ice—this is where reading books by the pros can really help. Edward de Bono’s How To Be Interesting and Lateral Thinking are a great start. Don’t ever forget that stumbling over your huggable handyman is a combination of three major things: luck, being in the right place at the right time, working hard and sticking to the plan. You will maximise your chances by adopting the All-Sorts approach, trying new places, and being there should the right person happen to swing on by.

Relationships_pages

6/30/04

4:07 PM

140

Page 140

Relationships That Rock!

Looking for Mr Shiny Shoes I know, I know, getting out there is not as simple as it sounds—especially not if you’re LAZY!! Dating is not for the fainthearted, nor is it for the sluggish. You’ve got to get motivated and you’ve got to crawl out of your shell—it’s that simple. Sure there’s warmth in the familiarity of friends and things and yes, I know—it’s easier staying in your comfort zone, it’s undemanding and you know exactly what’s expected of you. Bingo. That’s the problem! You’re not being challenged! You’re putting the bare minimum into your social life because no one’s asking you for any more than that! Stop and think about it now. When was the last time you glammed yourself up for a special ‘do’? Or got a kick out of planning a party? Can you puff your chest with pride thanks to the inspiring collective you’re an active part of? Have you ever organised a day of outdoor bowls? A day at a theme park? Or a Sunday yum-cha brunch? All of these are incredibly worthwhile treats which will give you pleasure and miles of satisfaction. First there’s the buzz you get from organising the activity, and second, you get to witness its successful execution. And yes, yes, it can be nerve-wracking and time-consuming arranging events, especially if they involve people you don’t know all that well, but it sure amps up your confidence and, more to the point, you’ll get return invites! These are the things that can do wonders for your self-esteem. And before you can say ‘I’m all booked up for the next three months’, things will be radically improving on the social front.

Wanted: the Thinking Girl’s Poster Boy You should go out tonight even if you’d rather chop your head off. Forget your headache! Think positively—you may

Relationships_pages

6/30/04

Getting out there

4:07 PM

Page 141

141

just meet this week’s party pash. Where do you go? Well, it helps to be out of the house. So move it! By now you know the qualities you need to make a relationship work and you’re happily preparing to launch yourself into the dating arena to complete the exercise. Your search is not dictated by who’s got the bluest eyes and coolest sneakers anymore, you’re keeping your mind and options open so that you can get to know the opposite sex a little better. So, aside from the more formal options listed at the end of this section—where do you suppose you’d go to find your elusive dream partner? If it’s a quick fling or a one-night stand you’re after, go forth to the many pubs, clubs and bars and conquer. But if you’re looking to get your phone number tucked securely in a suitor’s hand by evening’s end, these places are probably not where it’s going to happen. It’s more of a quality control issue. It’s dead easy to meet a hundred jerks out there, and call me cynical, but there’s no guarantee that you’re going to meet someone meaningful in an alcoholsodden environment where you can practically hear the theme from Jaws in the background. So one, two, three—let’s draw up as many options as possible. And we’re not thinking in soul-mate terms just yet, more as opposite sex buddies who will help overcome your nerves before the stakes become higher. Let’s start with your non-negotiable requirements. What do they demand? Is it a jet-setting rock star’s life complete with five-star hotels, first-class flights and fancy restaurants? Are you dreaming? You betcha. It’s nice to aspire to, but wildly unrealistic—but if the financial side of things is high on your agenda, you’d want to head up to the money end of town. That’s where you’re gonna find the wealthy men who

Relationships_pages

142

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page 142

Relationships That Rock!

can furnish you with the glamour life. If it’s something more down to earth you’re seeking, you’d be bounding off to the footy or the nearest surf beach. So first things first, get your compass and work out which way you’ll be pointing it. South for Spunks. North for Nerds. West for Westies. East for Executives. Seriously now, take your trusty pen and paper and jot down a list of places where you imagine you’d meet this kissable clown. The next step is to go out and actually find yourself some new man action. This is not about searching for the old type, the one you thought you liked. Remember, this is the new you—minus the blinkers! You’re stepping out with a broad new vision based on the many different kind of blokes that you could fancy—and that puts you in the driver’s seat. You’ll maximise your chances by sussing out as many ‘right places’ as possible and making it your business to be there should Mr Swoony happen to swagger by. Sporting events, galleries, bars, festivals, the beach, the work function, the local coffee shop, the nursery, the newsagent, the greengrocer . . . get my drift? There’s an opportunity everywhere to take in an invigorating flirt-fest. Watch. Learn. Observe. Figure out where your All-Sorts hang out, it might be live rock venues or book clubs. I’m not suggesting you go to the book club to ‘pick up’, but hey, you can practise your technique. Who knows? You just might spot someone sensational. Start today by swivelling your head around. Look all over the office, the apartment block, the local pub, the library, the uni, the gym, the squash courts and the supermarket—wherever you are—until you spot someone you think you could have something, anything, in common with, and make your move. Do you remember the

Relationships_pages

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page 143

Getting out there

143

movie Before Sunrise with Julie Delpy and Ethan Hawke? It was just two young people who met on the subway and began walking and talking their way into falling in love. Mmmm, that’s the natural low-key way we wish these things would happen—so jump on a train for god’s sake!

Mr Right For Now—the Platonic Dates Club Okay, we’ve looked at infatuations, flings and chasing the unattainable—now it’s time to groove into the Platonic Dates Club. This is a superb starting point for the newly initiated. Why? Because it’s a low risk option, a no-brainer and no one gets hurt. The idea is to get something started with someone who doesn’t mean that much to you. That way there’s less fear of failing—or falling. Enter Mr Right For Now, the date you have when you’re not having a date. A safe and totally nonthreatening zone where you can road-test your dating skills and become comfortable with how you present yourself in this environment. A chance to showcase your sexy, sophisticated self and perfect the process of engaging another mortal in conversation. A tactical task designed to help you when you want to move in on the more intriguing members of the opposite sex, or when you’ve met someone on a supremely casual basis but want to get to know him better. I’m the first to admit it can be the hardest thing in the world to stride up and ask a total stranger out on a date. That’s where Mr Right For Now comes into play. The challenge is about getting someone you already know to tag along for a coffee, a walk or some other casual thingy. The art is in not allowing it to become a big deal. It’s much less threatening when it’s been presented casually, without all the fanfare of a date.

Relationships_pages

144

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page 144

Relationships That Rock!

In a world filled with as many jerks as possibilities, Mr Right For Now allows you to investigate a guy’s potential before deciding whether or not you want to take it any further. How do you become an expert on sourcing Mr Right For Now? I’ll tell you—exploit your job, your friends and their friends. At the end of the day it boils down to this—your strategy at this point, your new philosophy, your fundamental nofail-guarantee-plan, is based on the numbers game. If you’re interested, make a subtle move; if you get a knockback, move on. If you take a shot at 20 potential dates, you’re sure to hit at least one bullseye. At the very least you’ll build up masses of confidence and huge tanks of resilience. Soon those pesky knockbacks will become such a little thing that you’ll forget the other person’s name faster than you can say ‘Ah’ll be back’. Keep in mind that there doesn’t need to be any sexual frisson ricocheting around (though it might be nice if there was)—that’s not what you’re looking for. As long as you’re making a potential new friend and dazzling the opposite sex, you’re doing okay. And let’s face it, you never know if you’re going to end up liking someone until you get to know them, so the more dates you have the better. If you end up meeting someone you think you could get to like a lot, it helps to diffuse the situation by surrounding yourself with as many Mr Right For Nows as you can. That way, if things don’t go according to plan you’ll hardly notice! I was surrounded by Mr Right For Nows and the way I saw it I had four fab things goin’ on: A

A

They gave me truckloads of stuff to think about, so I wasn’t obsessing about my single status. I managed to maintain a great space and a comfort zone around the opposite sex.

Relationships_pages

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page 145

Getting out there A A

145

I stopped placing too much emphasis on any one man. I was giving my ego a workout.

This is not just a ploy, by the way—it’s a lifestyle. I had three Mr Right For Nows keeping my ego happy and healthy because I’m a big believer that things can be much worse if you set yourself up to be let down. The secret is—don’t set your expectations too high. That way, if you have a flirtation that doesn’t go the way you’d hoped, it might be freaking irritating but nothing more. It won’t take over and become a major heart-stopping setback.

Top five Mr Right For Now dates A

Anything active and outdoorsy. Bike riding, rollerblading, bushwalking. Think fresh and sexy so you’re not required to dress up or exchange awkward romantic glances.

A

Disco bowling—you’ll be laughing too hard to be worrying about the goodnight kiss.

A

Comedy—if it actually is funny it’ll confirm how much you’ve got in common, if not you can likewise grimace together. Laughter is very sexy.

A

Shopping—fantastic if you have a practical purpose since the focus is taken off the date. Go for fruit and flower markets, fish markets, food halls, a gift-buying mission or the outdoor nursery.

Relationships_pages

6/30/04

4:07 PM

146 A

Page 146

Relationships That Rock! Parties—escorting each other to functions of any kind is the perfect way to reap the benefits of having a partner, someone you came with and someone you’ll leave with.

Put on your groove gear Right, the next step is to put on your groove gear and go anywhere and everywhere you’re invited. Take a big breath, square your shoulders, approach the venue and stop telling yourself it smells like desperation. Mingle, chat, smile and make the most of the conversations you encounter, even if they do strike you as somehow artificial. Try to ignore the fact that everyone you lock eyes with is busy looking over your shoulder to see what else is on offer. Word of advice—if you can’t take it in your stride, get some boxing lessons cause you’re gonna need them to learn to roll with the punches. If you don’t get asked out that much, create your own events. The first excursion (and it can be a day one) could be as innocuous as a visit to the markets. So you’re out and about, good work. You’ve been successful so far. It’s not difficult getting out and meeting people but it can be daunting striking up a cold conversation with someone for the first time. Once there, you need to pick a target. It doesn’t matter who. In a space full of people seek out anyone at all—it could be an acquaintance or someone you’ve never seen before. Ask him a question. If you can’t think of anything else, ask him for the time. And then flash him a big toothy smile. That’s not hard, is it? As you get the hang of this and venture out more often, you’ll dream up more imaginative questions. Then, if you get a friendly response, introduce yourself! And let the conversation flow. It pays to be up to date with current affairs,

Relationships_pages

6/30/04

Getting out there

4:07 PM

Page 147

147

interested in sport and the finance market. Basically, you’re putting yourself forward as a well-rounded individual. Worst-case scenario—listen and laugh! Focus on being interested as opposed to interesting. The initial contact only needs to be light-hearted. Keep it simple and you can’t go wrong. If it’s a friend of a friend you’re approaching, give him a sign that you’re keen to get to know him better and take it from there. If it’s someone you know through work, ask him to join you over coffee or lunch. It’s light and breezy and a perfect opportunity to suss out if there’s anything worth pursuing—romantic or otherwise. Or ask an innocuous question which will lead to a conversation and allow you to give your charm a workout. At the very least he’ll remember you when you bump into him next. Sometimes the guy’s a jerk so it doesn’t happen and you move on, but when it does, let the chat linger at the mutual interest points. Let me tell you a story about a night when I got talking to a guy at a concert. We somehow got into a snappy chat about the different colours and sensational effects of strategically placed lighting. I was decorating my flat at the time and struggling to get the effects he was describing, so it was the most natural thing in the world to ask if I could give him a call at work so we could talk about it in . . . er, more detail. Remember though, it’s not just romance you’re after— that will come eventually. The trick is in expanding your social horizons, working through the elimination process and meeting new people. Hopefully then you’ll be primed, not to mention psyched, about getting out and about more. Just remember, you can only come up with a loose plan. You can never predict exactly when the auspicious occasion of

Relationships_pages

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page 148

148

Relationships That Rock!

meeting Mr Bloody Marvellous will occur. Be an optimist and see the glass as half full, not half empty, rah rah rah, and set about your project with sense of fun. You’ll be surprised how infectious this can be, and it is much easier to initiate banter when you approach it casually. I’m known among my friends as the one who never has any trouble meeting guys. If we’re out somewhere in a pub, and I’ve had a few drinks, I will, literally, walk up to a bunch of guys and start chatting. I figure life is short, I am sooo not prepared to stand around on the off-chance a guy I like will approach me! The best thing is I find that 99 per cent of the time I initiate contact with guys, even if they have a girlfriend, they LOVE it. They’re always friendly back and happy to have a chat. It just takes that teeny bit of courage— turning to them while you’re both at the bar, asking for a light, commenting on the game—and off you go. Cherie, 25

Put a rocket up your social life A

Make yourself talk to and engage with at least one new person every time you go out.

A

Be interested. People have the highest opinions of those who are interested in them. Funny, that.

A

Groom your social network skills. Don’t get lazy and neglect to regularly contact those people you do know, otherwise you’ll soon be forgotten.

Relationships_pages

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page 149

Getting out there

149

A

Be enthusiastic. If somebody invites you somewhere, be positive and lively and they’re likely to invite you again.

A

Arrive on time. Who cares about cool, the host will love you. Plus, introductions happen more often earlier rather than later in the night.

A

Be a stayer. No matter how hard your sheets are calling you, stay at places till the end because that’s when the good stuff happens (like number exchanging).

A

Nurture your positivity. It’s No. 1 on the list of what makes people likeable—a positive and upbeat personality. So quit the moaning.

Acquiring boyfriends like sports trophies Being prepared to go it alone is a big part of getting out there too. It can be hard to drag your friends off to see the exhibitions, movies and bands you want to see. They may not share your taste and, let’s face it, friends can be bloody apathetic at times, can’t they? So don’t be depending on them for this sort of project. You really need to research your own fun, scrub up and be prepared to head off alone. And extensive research in this field shows that being out alone delivers a better chance of meeting someone. Well, it’s not surprising is it? Once we stride outside the safety net of our little groups and cliques we’re faced with all kinds of challenging situations. And, hey, you just never know what’s around that corner.

Relationships_pages

150

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page 150

Relationships That Rock!

I find walking my dogs is the biggest chat-up opportunity ever. Every guy who walks past with a mutt is required to stop while the dogs have a sniff, giving you five minutes to chat about breeds, ages, training techniques. Easiest thing in the world—chuck in a few questions about where they walk regularly, and head on out there from that day forth. Sara, 26

Relationships_pages

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page 151

11

So you’re going on a date . . . One thing we’re all clear about is that there aren’t any dating game rules to play by anymore. The best and worst thing about being single today is that almost anything goes. No wonder the process can sometimes do our heads in. For starters dating can seem, well, more than a little unnatural. That’s probably because it actually is—it’s one of the most contrived situations you can ever find yourself in. Think about it—you’re thrown into an intimate situation with a virtual stranger who you’re about to interview and be interviewed by! How weird is that? You may be calmer if you approach the whole thing as if you were stepping out for a job interview. I have a friend who does this and she swears by it, says it gives her more confidence and control because she feels as if she’s driving the situation. Or try approaching every date as an exciting chance to have a night out with a new guy pal, rather than a ‘blow this and forever live in regret’ opportunity.

Relationships_pages

6/30/04

4:07 PM

152

Page 152

Relationships That Rock!

Yes, yes, the dating battlefield can be intimidating but there are basic commonsense guidelines to ensure you’re safe (please try to keep your ‘yes Mum’ sarcasm in check):

Date safety guidelines 1. Always be alert. 2. Say no clearly and respectfully. 3. Keep personal details, including phone number and address, to yourself, and don’t accept a lift home to your door. 4. Stay sober. 5. Pay your own way. 6. Don’t accept gifts from dates. 7. Don’t dress like Britney Spears. 8. Do tell a friend of your whereabouts. 9. Do take a mobile phone with you. 10. Don’t relinquish your power. 11. Try to refrain from punching him in the face if he turns out to be a schmuck, but be on guard just in case. 12. Don’t say yes to a back rub which could turn into a front rub!

And remember, this dating stuff should be thought of as part of your entertainment program. Don’t ever go out on a first date in a cloud of hyper-excitement thinking, This is it, I’m gonna meet my soul mate tonight. There’s only about a 24 per cent chance of that happening. Excuse me? Say what? So why go on the date at all, you ask? Because going out is going out! You don’t know what’s going to happen. Even if you

Relationships_pages

6/30/04

4:07 PM

So you’re going on a date . . .

Page 153

153

don’t connect, you can still have a fantastic time. He might have a friend who turns your head—and here are some examples of extreme lateral thinking—it could be the barman, the theatre usher or the taxi driver you meet before or after the date. There are a gazillion possibilities you might meet someone else that night—you’re looking hot in your groove gear, you’re feeling babelicious, your self-esteem is booming— so why not? Always remember, anything’s possible in the land of romance. You don’t know when you’ll stumble across the Man Of Your Dreams—someone who wears clean clothes, has controlled bathroom habits and loves you the way you are. It can happen any time, anywhere, and it’s true what they say— it always happens when you least expect it. Keep that in the back of your mind. So don’t be too cool for school—do your research and make yourself super-active. Don’t get caught up in thinking: I shouldn’t have to do all this when it comes to finding a relationship. Why not? Who says? You’re not hurting anybody. You’re just putting yourself in a better position to have fun and connect with all sorts of new gene pools. That’s what makes you the world’s hottest single candidate. Most times the big momentous dates turn into a festival of bad jokes and halitosis, and then two days later you’re in a bookstore and trip and fall right into the arms of the love of your life. So calm down already. Cynthia Heimel, Advanced Sex Tips for Girls

Love with a logo Fast-forward to the euphoria you experience when you’re asked out on a date. It feels good, doesn’t it? But it hasn’t happened for a while? Hmmm, what are the alternatives? If

Relationships_pages

154

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page 154

Relationships That Rock!

it’s not happening naturally in the old-fashioned way, you’re more than welcome to take your pick of the trillion formal mating options. It’s good news if you’re still wondering how on earth you’ll ever meet someone who’s suitable, available, clever and attracted to you. There is a whole new industry churning out modern dating options and a dizzying array of professional services. The relationship carnival is big business, and every day there’s a newcomer to the field—kerching! From the regular suspects like speed dating, which now boast offshoots with names like HurryDating and TurboDating, to old-fashioned agency dating or hiring a dating consort or a love coach, or dinner parties for singles. If you’re moderately wealthy you can direct your own marketing campaign either locally or internationally to meet your match. Desperate and Dateless balls have become big business but nothing beats the romantic granddaddy of them all—online dating. It’s the 21st century and the revolutions in technology and communications have opened up our lives like never before—that’s exciting. This quadruples our options, not just locally but globally as well. But—and it’s a big but—the widening of your options is all very well as long as you don’t take it too seriously and do practise caution whenever you enlist the services of any romantic broker. The downside is that there’s such a thing called date rage out there—and it’s very much alive and kicking. And with so many options at your fingertips it’s much easier to get burned. You absolutely need to be on your toes throughout any dating process. The same safety rules apply to professional dating as to regular dating—just because it comes with a logo doesn’t necessarily make it any

Relationships_pages

6/30/04

4:07 PM

So you’re going on a date . . .

Page 155

155

more safe or legitimate. It’s horribly disheartening to read the stories about men and women being ripped off by dating agencies that prey on their vulnerabilities with promises of Russian brides and the like and demand outrageous upfront payments. Only the scum-sucking pigs of society would exploit the lonely, but it does happen, and it pays to have your wits about you if you enlist any of these services. Dating services are an unlikely prelude to romance but if you’re like me—just do it with a sense of fun. It’s all research, it can only move you closer to your goal, present you with material for stories and help you make new friends. Dating isn’t just about meeting someone—it’s a screening process. A good approach with all the matchmaking options is try them if they feel right but don’t hold your breath thinking you’ll find Mr Marvellous this way—the odds are against you. There are far better odds in getting out and about and keeping yourself happy, active, busy and social.

Speed dating ‘We don’t want to wait to maybe meet a man in a bar, maybe meet a guy in a nightclub and maybe go on a date,’ explained one sassy Cosmo reader in the midst of a speed dating frenzy. ‘We want guarantees.’ If that’s the way you’re thinking too, perhaps you’d care for a dose of speed dating? The phenomenon sweeping the world goes something like this: a group of girls and guys get together at their allocated table and spend between two and six minutes (when a gong is struck) in deciding whether to put a Yes or a No in the score-card box provided for that person’s number. At the end of the night they have the choice of meeting up for a more personal date if their boxes match. It’s a reputable, safe and slightly crazy

Relationships_pages

6/30/04

4:07 PM

156

Page 156

Relationships That Rock!

way of meeting potential partners and new friends. Find out more about speed dating and read lots of ooh-aah success stories (not to mention pics of participants) online at www.speeddater.com.au. There are several offshoots of speed dating taking off in the United States with promises of meeting 15 partners non-stop in one night! So many dates so little time!

Dating in cyberspace If you want to know where all the single men are, just take a look at dating online. Today it’s more insanely popular than ever and it’s lost the stigma of old. Between them RSVP.com.au and ninemsn Personals, the two largest online dating services in Australia, boast more than 750 000 subscribers looking for love, lust, drinking buddies and everything in between. In the last year alone RSVP has seen over 50 couples go from dating to wedded bliss, with ninemsn partner Match.com claiming worldwide hits of 85 marriages or engagements per month. A mind boggling 61 per cent of American singles will look for cyberlove this year (www.love-is-online.com). Everyone’s doing it. Online dating has become something of a global wonder sport. It can’t hurt to date online provided it is approached correctly—it’s considered safe, harmless and generally productive. I actually view it as a decent practice patch. You may not find what you’re hoping to find, but it could be a great ‘date rehearsal’ for when you do suddenly stumble across Mr Right. Word of warning though—if you find yourself addicted and glued to your computer as a result, you’re never gonna find the time to go out into the real world and do any successful prospecting. So go forth into cyberlove land— just don’t become a geek in the process!

Relationships_pages

6/30/04

4:07 PM

So you’re going on a date . . .

Page 157

157

Blind dating I read recently about an American mom who was horrified at the array of deadbeat boyfriends her 22-year-old daughter kept bringing home. Inspired by the TV show Who Wants To Marry My Dad? she made a sign reading, ‘Who Wants to Marry Our Daughter?’ stuck it up on a tree in the front yard and watched as the suitors rolled in. I’m all for blind dates. You know why? Because you’ve got nothing to lose! Even if the date’s a complete doozy, you’ll have a story to tell that will keep you in dinner parties for months to come. The worst date I’ve ever been on was a blind date a friend of mine set me up on with a guy she worked with. Everything was going beautifully until an hour after we’d eaten. We were taking a romantic stroll under the Harbour Bridge when I was hit with an almighty dose of food poisoning. I just had time to say that I was feeling sick, before I started projectile vomiting right in front of him. He had to escort me to a cab. Needless to say there was no pashing, but we did become great friends after that. Jacqui, 30

SMS dating Does anyone know what SMS dating is? It was devised as a dating tool by the Japanese. Now it’s the fastest growing form of communication in the Western world! Are you addicted? U R So Hot messages have ignited many a profound love affair across the globe. Used properly, SMS can be an effective dating strategy, especially in the early stages—it’s all about text etiquette. Can he spell? Use hip language? On the

Relationships_pages

6/30/04

158

4:07 PM

Page 158

Relationships That Rock!

downside, is it merely a distancing device that discourages us from that crazy old-fashioned notion of ‘real contact’? If he’s hiding behind his mobile phone I’d be hearing warning bells. Fast-forward to down the track—if this guy can’t communicate with you face to face now, what chance is there for meaningful communication later?

Agency dating You’ve got to be seriously desperate to join a dating agency, right? It’s like the last bastion of hope for ninety-something widowers? Wrong! People use dating agencies for loads of reasons, most of which you’d find more than a little familiar. Unlike the puffy, pasty Mr Personality you may imagine you’ll be sent to dinner with, dating agency candidates are frequently professional, intelligent, social movers. They just haven’t met the right person yet. You’ll be required to fill in a ‘preferences’ form, have a brief interview and hand over a truckload of cash if you’re serious about joining. They’ll do the legwork and let you road-test the results. Warning though—loneliness and anxiety are a toxic combination. Do your research before you invest your money and seek out a reputable agency that comes with a recommendation; otherwise you might find yourself putting your hopes into futile promises made by the charlatans who circle the vast relationship industry and prey on the weak and vulnerable. I have one simple life rule: we are not here to be dictated to by our romantic needs—that only leads to confusion. We’re more likely to find a like-minded person if we put aside the romantic cravings and focus on the other things that make us happy. Romance is a by-product of being absorbed in a chaotic life and doing stuff you love. Yes, you need to plan,

Relationships_pages

6/30/04

4:07 PM

So you’re going on a date . . .

Page 159

159

absolutely—but as I’ve said before, you also need to make sure your plan is flexible. Trust me. It’s just the way it works. At this point, dating is all about making new friends, having a few laughs and keeping frantically busy on the social front. A warning though—there are a lot of gentle male souls out there in Singlesville and it’s super-important not to give them false signals or treat them in a way that you wouldn’t accept. The person you’re approaching may be just as vulnerable and awkward about this process as you are, so be thoughtful, try not to hurt anyone. Don’t lead them on and then have a hissy fit when they expect things to go further. You’re a smart girl; practise a little kindness—it goes a long way.

Depression falls away as you start defining yourself By now you should be clear about your love aspirations and how to achieve them. Don’t take things too seriously—this is meant to be fun, for god’s sake. You’re going out to have a good time, not to get your heart ripped out (or vice versa). You’ve got loads of food for thought about how to meet a man and what to do after you’ve said, ‘How you doin?’ Once you’ve got a tangible idea of your new relationship destination and a red-blooded human being in your sights— you’ll know you’re getting closer to your goal. From this point you get to combine everything we’ve talked about and use it to figure out if the guy on your romantic horizon is genuine relationship material. We’ll look at what happens once you get past the first date and you’re in the early stages of what could have what it takes to become a relationship. You may think you’re ready to hurtle down Love Highway with the God of Sex but I’m here to tell you that it can be something of an ordeal, especially if you’re out of practice.

Relationships_pages

160

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page 160

Relationships That Rock!

In the next chapter we’ll look at survival tactics and the ways in which the relationship is initially established, the obstacle courses, the early-stages faux pas and how they can impact on a relationship’s future. We’ll road-test yours to see whether it’s on the right track. It’s hard to put on your nanna shoes and, ahem, think sensibly about where these sexy shenanigans are headed while you’re being swept away with Cinderella-esque lust-dust, but you absolutely must, or you risk heading into the yawning chasm of the Relationship Wastelands. YOUR CHALLENGE So now is the time to ensure that the rest of your life is clear and uncluttered, leaving room for love to come to town. Mmmm. What you need to do—and this is superimportant—is pencil a free day into your diary. That day will be devoted to clearing, cleaning and decluttering. Did I hear you say b-o-o-oring? Not necessarily, my friend. Let’s find a way to make it more fun, shall we? Buy some wine and bribe a buddy to come on over and help. Once you’ve cleaned, sorted and carted all the clothes you haven’t worn for the last seven years off to the Salvos, organised your junk, filed your paperwork and transformed your house into a shiny, clean sanctuary and your bedroom into a seductive boudoir— you’ll feel calm, cool, in control. Reward yourself with a half-hour massage the next day. And while you’re luxuriating, with warm, scented aromatherapy oil soothing your body, use all of your imaginative senses to conjure up your romantic vision and contemplate, with all the positivity you can muster, how very close you’re getting to embracing the Love Adventure.

Relationships_pages

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page 161

So you’re going on a date . . .

161

Part III in a nutshell A

Get out of the house.

A

Be an adventurer, go everywhere, try everything!

A

Respect your crushes, flings, mistakes and infatuations— it’s all grist to the mill when it comes to what you really do like.

A

Remember, you can’t hurry romance but you can have a lot of laughs trying to find it.

Relationships_pages

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page 162

Relationships_pages

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page 163

part IV

Here comes Mr Man

Relationships_pages

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page 164

Relationships_pages

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page 165

12

How to handle it all . . . So you’ve met a man. A warm, witty and wonderful man. A man with whom you can imagine a deliriously happy future. You’ve ticked all the non-negotiable boxes and consumed crates of champagne to celebrate your unbelievable luck in finding such a prize. Welcome. You are about to enter and enjoy the privileges of Couple World where regular sex abounds. Grrr, the knowledge that you’re loved makes you feel on top of the world, doesn’t it? It’s a dizzying, euphoric sensation that, well, just can’t be duplicated. But one day for no reason at all, you find yourself plummeting into the depths of despair. You feel slightly off track as you hurtle into uncharted territory, all the while losing confidence in this seemingly idiotic idea and wondering if you were kidding yourself about the long-term potential or any potential at all. ‘I’m so confused!’ you shriek at your reflection in the mirror. Maybe it was that swift mood swing you saw

Relationships_pages

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page 166

166

Relationships That Rock!

the other night, when he got that glint in his eye after a few dozen too many bourbons and told you a vicious tale of revenge on an ex which horrified you. Or maybe he’s been acting weird and detached—saying he’ll call but just not bothering. Either way, a fracture has formed in this fledging romance and it’s brought you crashing back to earth. It’s time to find out where the conflict is coming from and whether or not it’s surmountable. Let’s look at cause and effect and weigh up whether you’re on a good thing or heading for a train crash. Back to your pen and notebook— time for Quiz 11.

FQuiz 11: Relationship profile To establish where you’re at, circle true or false on the following: 1. You’re more into the relationship than he is. True/False 2. He’s more into the relationship than you are. True/False 3. There’s a power imbalance, and one of you is holding all the cards. True/False 4. You are on a heroic rescue mission.

True/False

5. You are contemplating a future with a significantly ‘altered for the better him’, not the existing him. True/False 6. You’ve spent more time feeling frustrated and disappointed in his company than excited or inspired. True/False

Relationships_pages

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page 167

How to handle it all . . .

167

7. You’ve passed off your state of mild dissatisfaction as a case of ‘grass is greener’. True/False 8. You’re with him mainly because of what he represents and his friends/social life/financial value. True/False 9. You’re blinded by his blue eyes and toned bod. You’re not really convinced about what else he has to offer though. True/False 10. He is permanently committed to someone else and only temporarily available to you. True/False 11. You’re totally infatuated by the potential of him. True/False 12. You worship, idolise and need him on a truly frightening level. True/False 13. You’ve chosen him to prove a point to someone other than yourself.

True/False

14. You are only semi-compatible, but you think, given time, that will improve outta sight. True/False 15. You feel in your heart you could ‘do better’. True/False 16. You would walk through fire for him. But to be honest, you’re not sure if he’d return the favour. True/False 17. Three weeks into the relationship you found him in bed, naked and not alone. Oops. You decided it was the one mistake he was allowed to make and you gave him another chance. True/False

Relationships_pages

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page 168

168

Relationships That Rock!

If you circled True to any of these statements, even it was just one, you need to seriously question the premise behind this relationship. You’ll be doing yourself a big favour right now if you step back and take a reality check. Sure you can talk yourself out of the bad stuff, but it’s vital to learn how to recognise fatal flaws in your relationship nice and early, so you’ll know when to let go, when not to get his name tattooed to the soft pulpy part of your upper arm. Flaws are often easily disguised—especially in the first few months while you’ve still got your love-drug glasses on. That’s when you need to have your smarts about you so you can refer to your trusty bullshit-meter and ultimately discover whether you’re going to be left with solid gold or gold-coated tin. It can be impossible to spot the flaws early in the piece, just as it can be tempting to ignore them, especially once you’ve gone to all the trouble of roping Mr Man into your loveenergy field. A good way to suss out how much you know about your man and what’s in store for you is to start with Quiz 12.

FQuiz 12: How much do yo know about him? Give Slugger a score out of 5 in each of the following areas, 0 being ‘no sign of this at all’, 5 being ‘yes, clearly evident’: 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6.

Emotional childhood damage. Hasn’t got over past relationships. Addictions. Unresolved anger. Prone to depression. Control freak.

Relationships_pages

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page 169

How to handle it all . . . 7. 8. 9. 10.

169

Sexually dysfunctional. Emotionally unavailable. Immature. Inability to connect with family or friends.

Now add up the score. At the low end, from 0 to 15, is where you’ll find your baggage-free dudes—congratulations, you’re onto a good thing (you know what they say, stick to it!). If he’s scored anywhere between 15 to 30 points you know you’ve got some issues to deal with. Anything above 30 and you’re talking serious baggage and other bullshit. Figure out where your guy fits on the scale. If his score ended up in the middle to higher end, it’s more than reasonable to expect, and even demand, that he clears up lingering issues and checks out all his baggage before embarking on this relationship. Make no mistake—any issues he is carrying will be significant obstacles in your future relationship. This isn’t to say that everyone who’s had a difficult childhood or a depressive spell should be given the red card, but consider to what efforts this person has gone to in sorting out his issues before he came strutting into your loved-up world. The last role you want to find yourself in is that of nursemaid to somebody else’s dangerously dysfunctional habits. The insights you’ve gained into what you don’t want are crucial when it comes to spotting potentially fatal flaws in a possible partner. Spending as little as half an hour on your own and properly examining the concerns can help clear your head. That means diligently writing them down under the headings of Problem and Solution to help provide the clarity you need. Failing this, there’s always your trusty mate instinct. You’d be amazed at the power of gut instinct

Relationships_pages

170

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page 170

Relationships That Rock!

when it comes to sniffing out Mr So Not Right After All. One thing to remember about instinct, though, is that it isn’t always convincing, nor is it motivational. The better approach is to figure out the problem. You may want to go back to Part II to reflect on where your relationship weaknesses and vulnerabilities have evolved from—believe me, it’s worth it in the long run—and don’t underestimate the compatibility test. Remember—the non-negotiable requirements you’ve drawn up are the essentials. No matter how good things look on the surface, if you don’t have the proper foundations in place, the rest of the framework will crumble like a chocolate chip cookie. So let’s take it from the top: have you been faithful to your checklist? When it comes to the crunch do you believe your relationship requirements are practical? Are you within your rights expecting them? Have you been honest with yourself? If he told you at the outset that he wasn’t ready for a relationship, did you take him at his word? You’d better—if he says it, it’s because he means it. This is important, so say it out loud and don’t ever forget it. Are you settling for less? Do your friends look at you in head-shaking despair when you tell them about the latest ‘situation’? Are you with him because he’s a good match for you, or so you can tell everyone you’re with someone now? Ask yourself why you’re in this relationship and what it represents to you. Are you ignoring gut-feeling stuff that tells you there’s something not quite right about all this? If you had to make a choice between staying with this guy and losing all your friends—which would you choose?

Relationships_pages

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page 171

How to handle it all . . .

171

Is he linked to a polluted gene pool? Let’s go through a couple of scenarios. If you get the feeling this guy’s a bit of an Uncle Perve who’s biggest mission in life is finding a luvverly set of coconuts—you’re probably right. At that point it’s up to you to decide how to deal with it. If you’re not choosing your attitude, who is? If this man is giving you the impression that he may not have a lot of sexual integrity— then he probably doesn’t. When my good pal Sasha started going out with a new guy, she had a bugger-shit-damn experience which she’s bravely offered to share with us. Her new boyfriend wanted to introduce her to Rachel, a ‘close friend’. He’d gone on and on about her, to the point that he was gushing. She was brilliant and—wouldn’t you know it—drop-dead gorgeous, a stunning combination of French and Vietnamese. When John first introduced them, he flirted like mad with Rachel and made what Sasha thought were inappropriate comments. (Well, how would you like it if you were admiring another girl’s belt, and your boyfriend blurted out, ‘It’s not the belt we like, it’s what’s under it’?) Sasha, not one prone to jealousy attacks, was more than a little concerned nonetheless and decided to approach him about it. Wanting to be really mature and sensible, and not scare him off, she casually asked if he had special feelings for his exotic Asian Barbie friend. What he said really shocked her. ‘No,’ he replied, ‘and anyway she’s got a boyfriend.’ Sasha was slightly panicked by the latter part of his answer, but tried not to think about it too much even though all her gal pals and I rallied round and told her we thought he was a big knob. The next thing she knew, he’d gone and confided to Rachel that Sasha was jealous of her—can you believe it? Any chance of friendship between the two girls was blown and all became tense between Sasha and her boyfriend.

Relationships_pages

172

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page 172

Relationships That Rock!

Never ignore your gut instinct in the early, heady days Things disintegrated further over the next six months, but it took Sasha even longer to find out that this kind of demented behaviour was only a fraction of what this guy was capable of. One day the whole thing collapsed in a sea of lies and deceit. It was just after midday, the sky was grey and threatening, Sasha was nursing a gin and tonic in a cosy city bar with a girlfriend. John had told Sasha he was staying home and doing his taxes that day. And guess what? There he was— he walked right by the bar, arm in arm with Rachel! Even though Sasha half expected it, it was one of those horrifying moments—devastating. She confronted him the next day. The lies, the deception, the cheating and the betrayal all came pouring out. He tried to excuse it but there were so many loopholes in his argument it sank like the Titanic—he never was the brightest crayon in the pack. Thank god Sasha had the strength to drag herself away from that relationship before he could do any more damage. It turned out he was nothing but a low-down gutter rat—a festering feral who was on a fantasy trip and thought he was a rock star who could do what he liked with no regard for anyone else’s feelings. The moral of the story is—and this isn’t rocket science—you’re really much better off figuring out if he’s worth keeping around before things reach such a hideous low. There are many ways in which relationships can go off track in the early days. Some are due to innate compatibility issues; others are due to our own baggage and insecurities, as much as they are to theirs, while some boil down to the choices we make while trying to navigate our way through the relationship obstacle course.

Relationships_pages

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page 173

How to handle it all . . .

173

You’re not perfect, but you’re perfect for me Recently my friend Clara really needed to revisit the compatibility test. She was seeing a new guy and right from the beginning was totally doubtful about how it was going to work out—they were on and off on an almost daily basis. To any bystander it was obvious they weren’t in harmony at all, but Clara rationalised that you can’t be sensible all the freakin’ time. She was a professional urban stylemeister who fostered some pretty expensive tastes and habits— glamour with a capital G. She worked as a PR chick for a record company. She liked cool clothes, cool music and cool men. He was a Spanish artist: a writer/musician/ all-round creative genius—so far, so good! The first problem was that he looked like something out of a Kmart catalogue. He had no appreciation of spending money on smart clothes—in fact, when you got right down to it, he didn’t understand her money habits either. She didn’t mind that so much, but she knew one thing, she liked a man’s man, a real blokey, drinks his beer in his underpants kind, but Diego got all giggly after two glasses of wine! What’s more, she liked the high life—and he didn’t know what the high life was. He was a greenie and she, shall we say, had different political leanings. She admired his professionalism but he didn’t appreciate the world of consumer pop music, which played a huge part in her life. She loved the fact that he could knock up a great paella (and the kitchen wasn’t the only place he was a tiger) but she struggled with the idea that according to him they should always eat in to save money. It took Clara months to weigh it all up—her passionate Latino lover-supreme was in reality a hippyish, money-

Relationships_pages

6/30/04

4:07 PM

174

Page 174

Relationships That Rock!

conscious, tuck his shirt in, elastic-waisted pants-wearing, wine-drinking greenie. What kept her hanging on was the knowledge that Diego adored her—absolutely worshipped the ground she walked on. He would have done anything for her; he was 100 per cent reliable. She knew she could count on him for anything. She just didn’t know if that would make up for the stuff she didn’t get: his political views, which varied so dramatically from her own, the financial incompatibilities, the substantial lifestyle differences. She realised these weren’t minor things; they were probably insurmountable. She’d spent a lifetime developing her tastes and habits; he’d spent a lifetime cultivating his. They just weren’t destined to understand what made each other tick. She ummed and aahhed and spent loads of time and energy weighing it all up until finally she left him. She’s never looked back. Not even for a second. In retrospect, it would have been useful to suss out right from the beginning whether or not he was interested in changing his ways. If he had admitted that no, his tastes were his tastes and that was that, she could have done a runner then and saved herself the brouhaha.

The art of compromise Part of learning how to preserve and nurture your own interests and activities is mastering the art of compromise with Da Man. The fact is, no matter how much the two of you have in common, pesky differences will inevitably arise when it comes to the issue of how to spend your free time. If you’ve got the same tastes, good luck to you—but if, like the majority of the population, you don’t share many interests let alone the exact same interests (and personally,

Relationships_pages

6/30/04

4:07 PM

How to handle it all . . .

Page 175

175

I don’t know too many men who are as passionate about sass & bide warehouse sales as are a few of my girlfriends), you’ll need to master the art of compromise. It could be that Homer prefers to exercise his sportobsessed, testosterone-fuelled prerogative by slopping around, slurping beer and stuffing down salami pizza while settling his couch-potato butt on the sofa. You on the other hand prefer to get frocked up and don your mascara and your Manolos and dance all night, thanks very much. Or you might harbour a love for long, complex, sumptuous European art house films, or anything interesting and intelligent, while his idea of a good cinema experience is loud, violent and features an Arnie, a Bond or a Rocky. The essence of compromise is about trading favours. It can be as simple as agreeing to huddle up for a cosy video night spent watching Terminator 1, 2 and 3 in return for an excessive night out where you hit the daiquiris and the dance floor. If he really hates dancing, find out why. I’d understand where he was coming from if he’s one of those guys who looks as if they’re having an epileptic fit out there. If that’s the case, give him a few private lessons for god’s sake! I can’t imagine he’d complain about all that hands-on, touchy-feely practice—do you? What other excuses can you find to stop you from stepping out once or twice a week? The art of compromise is sometimes as simple as making adjustments to accommodate your partner while still staying true to yourself. When one of you likes partying while the other prefers to stay in glued to the TV, adjustments need to be made—both parties need to be flexible enough to shift their routine to accommodate the other.

Relationships_pages

176

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page 176

Relationships That Rock!

Ways to avoid emotional trauma down the track A A A

Don’t stop referring back to your compatibility criteria. Don’t ignore early warning signs. Always trust your gut instinct.

Relationships_pages

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page 177

13

Troubleshooting—building a stronger relationship Unless you’re a commitment-phobe with a psychological reaction to a happy ending, you want a relationship that works. You feel triumphant and 10 feet tall if your relationship is successful. Na-na-na-na-nah, you smirk to yourself when you’re all loved up. Clearly if we were all much better at relationships, the marriage fatality rate wouldn’t be as outrageous as it is. The trouble is, human beings are creatures of habit. We’re driven by our behaviour which in turn affects our weight, health, mood and, of course, our shagability. Pretty scary when you consider how much of our habitual behaviour is unconscious. So far we have looked at what triggers you may have responded to insofar as the kind of relationships you’ve chosen are concerned. Now it’s time to look at what relationship habits you may have established within the relationship (whether current or past). Stop and ask

Relationships_pages

178

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page 178

Relationships That Rock!

yourself what might be contributing to the agony of being in love. You’ll know you’ve got bad habits if you’re constantly coming up against the same spectrum of problems—jealousy, possessiveness, dependence, neediness— issues that cause you to freak out or leave you feeling out of control. I get clingy and dependent. It’s taken me a few relationships to realise I’m repeating the same behaviour and now I’ve realised it’s up to me to stop and try and make a change. Otherwise, it inevitably ends up the same way—with them feeling suffocated and pushing me away and me becoming more clingy than ever. Veronica, 27 It’s all very well to lay blame on him for things going wrong in the heady days of a new relationship, but remember, it takes two to tango. Whatever habits you may have picked up in the past, it’s never too late to undo them. It’s all about emotional education, a vital learning tool which keeps you ahead of the pack throughout your entire life—and not just in the romance stakes either. How do you get it? Easy. You open your mind. You read, you discuss, you debate, you think—you become accountable and learn to take responsibility for the choices you make within your relationships. Let me be clear about this—you can’t change the choices you’ve made—but you can make new choices. This is a wake-up call, gal pal. Let’s work our way through the kind of problems you might be experiencing time and time again.

Relationships_pages

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page 179

Troubleshooting—building a stronger relationship

179

Problem 1: Ignoring the early warning signs You often only get a sense of it when something is wrong, other times you have the evidence to back it up, yet you can still manage to convince yourself to ignore it despite the persistently appearing warning signs. You reach a point where you’ve given this relationship the green light, and by hell or high water you’re going through with it no matter how loopy you discover your potential love partner to be. Since the truth is too hideous to face, you figure, he’ll just have to deliver the goods. This is a state commonly called Denial. And as you’ve seen in the previous chapters there can be a major shit-bugger-damn factor if you ignore the warning signs and make excuses for lover-boy’s dodgy behaviour. Haven’t you heard the horror stories from your friends? Something their boyfriends did early on in the relationship that you found absolutely mortifying—but they decided to turn a blind eye to? I have! My gorgeous friend Gilda had been seeing Tim for about two months. She was madly in love with him and keen for me to meet him, which I did, and I was as disappointed as could be. He struck me as a phoney, a try-hard ‘charmer’ with no real warmth and a clammy handshake. I knew from Gilda that he’d had issues with drugs before she met him. Coincidentally, on this particular night she told me that he’d promised her there wouldn’t be any more of that now that she was on the scene. The most incredible thing happened though—she went off to the toilet and literally seconds later he looked meaningfully at me, produced a pill from his pocket and asked if I’d like to take a quick trip to the bathroom! I was stunned. All I could manage to get out was, ‘Uh . . . no!’ And when Gilda returned he acted completely normal, as though nothing had happened! I was

Relationships_pages

180

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page 180

Relationships That Rock!

in a massive moral dilemma over the next few days—should I tell her about this totally surreal incident? In the end I did, but—and here’s the part I really didn’t get—she merely made a joke of it and brushed it off! She wasn’t laughing a few weeks later when Tim did a runner—just up and left. Missing in action for three days straight. No one heard from him; he didn’t answer his mobile; neither his friends nor family knew where he was. Gilda was beside herself. When he finally did re-emerge after she’d spent days agonising, he came up with some bollocks about being ‘scared’ because he’d ‘found himself falling in love’, so he freaked and ran away. Of course, it was the beginning of a pattern. Every time things started getting intense, he’d go missing without explanation until finally she’d had enough, and she told him not to bother coming back.

Solution It is imperative to keep the warning radar on full-time alert, so that when you see those early dodgy signs you can act on them. Otherwise you might waste a lot of time and energy investing in a relationship where you are really committed— to somebody who’s just gonna stuff you around.

Problem 2: You start making compromises before drawing up the guidelines Often you find yourself agreeing to do things your partner has pressured you into before you’ve decided if you’re 100 per cent comfortable with them. It’s because you worry that if you don’t, you’re gonna lose The Man. My good friend Tania was going out with Gavan, a wild party guy a few years younger than her—he was in his early twenties, she her early thirties. He was still at the stage where he needed to go out a

Relationships_pages

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page 181

Troubleshooting—building a stronger relationship

181

few nights a week and get totally wasted. She was at the stage where her career was taking off. The long hours involved in setting up her own PR consultancy meant that she simply couldn’t afford the luxury of getting splattered on the weekend and sleeping all throughout the next day. But did she tell him that? No! She went along for the ride. And before she knew it, the weekends had morphed into a big blurry haze: a constant merry-go-round of getting smashed and sobering up only to get smashed all over again. Of course, he was delirious, because in her he’d found his fantasy woman, someone who could go as hard as him and then go back for more. What she found was less inspiring, though—a slower pace and less hours contributing to her business meant that she lost a couple of major accounts. Within months the business she’d spent two and a half years building up was faltering to the point that she had to take on part-time work just to pay the bills. It wasn’t long before one of her competitors snuck up and snatched away a new account that should rightfully have gone to her. Tania reassessed her priorities and decided she didn’t have time for this lifestyle at the expense of her work. To add insult to injury, Gavan dumped her when he could see that she was stressed, broke and unwilling to go out—not so much fun anymore.

Solution Compromise. If Tania had agreed to go out on alternate weekends instead of every weekend, she would have kept everybody happy. Her business never would have suffered, Gavan would have had his fix of going out with her, and in between he could have entertained himself by going out with his friends.

Relationships_pages

182

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page 182

Relationships That Rock!

Problem 3: You don’t establish your independence clearly in the early stages. This one usually takes hold at the beginning of the relationship, when the lust-goggles and pathetically overactive hormones are leading the charge, and you want to do the sickly, ‘let’s stick together like a magnet’ stuff. From shopping to meeting girlfriends to . . . well, anything at all, really. You want the world to know that you’re a couple and you’re in love, so it seems pretty natural. The thing is that later in the relationship, when the emergency lust has faded and things are slightly more . . . ‘normal’, you might find yourself craving for that ‘solo’ part of your life. You might long for the solitude that comes with shopping alone and, from a selfish point of view, you might get more out of meeting your friends one on one. It’s not that you don’t want your partner around—it’s just that you want more control of the life you had before he came along. But beware—confusion and miscommunication can easily upset the balance when you set off by yourself after spending all your time doing everything together.

Solution It’s important to delineate some time spent apart, and it’s best to establish it at the outset so it doesn’t become an issue later. Time spent separately and doing your own thing refreshes and revives the relationship and gives you something new to talk about during your time together.

Problem 4: Focusing on the fact you’ve found someone, rather than how compatible you are Love may have arrived in the nick of time, at a point when you couldn’t stand being single for another solitary second. You’ve been celibate for way too long and when Mr Man arrives you

Relationships_pages

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page 183

Troubleshooting—building a stronger relationship

183

wave the victory flag and punch the air. Because you’re so very, very happy to see him, you ignore some of his flaws and get drawn into his world which, you may discover down the track, is not your scene at all. I have a friend whose hot new lover was the junk food king. She was a strict vegetarian and queen of the health foods. Since he would eat any old junk food, she found herself slipping into an equally trashy vego diet consisting of hot chips, pastries, cakes and greasy fast-food veggie burgers. They didn’t eat at home because she couldn’t stomach preparing or cooking meat and he didn’t want to eat vego. She settled for what he liked. After draining herself of all her natural energy thanks to her nutritionally deprived diet, she started to resent him. Did I mention that along the way they’d also stopped seeing her favourite art house movies, because revhead ‘couldn’t read the subtitles’—but she was expected to be his handbag at every mega-release Hollywood action flick to hit the screens? A few months of evil food and movies later, she saw that this relationship was never going to survive because neither of them was the least interested in the other’s way of life.

Solution Just because Mr Potential has passed the first round of scrutiny doesn’t mean you can quit using your judgment and your compatibility criteria to guide the romance as it unfolds. In fact, it’s precisely in the early days of the new relationship that you need to watch the compatibility time bombs more closely than ever.

Problem 5: Seeing your partner through rose-coloured glasses It’s the worst thing—when you’re so in lust that you can’t see straight. Literally. Maria was going out with a guy called Greg. Early in the relationship she’d cottoned onto a couple

Relationships_pages

184

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page 184

Relationships That Rock!

of white lies he’d told her. She confronted him, he denied it. He’d give her that horny smile, sweep her up in his massive arms, and she was history. Never mind that she sensed there was something very wrong going on behind the scenes, she was in lust and she wanted it bad. Nothing was going to get in the way. The problems didn’t go away though; the white lies got worse and worse until she didn’t know what was true and what wasn’t. It’s easy to be what someone wants you to be when you want them badly enough, but it will all end in tears if they don’t turn out to be what you thought they were or, more importantly, what you hoped they’d be. My friend Jo once went out with a big spunk rat called Toby who seemed like a wet dream from the outset. He cooked; ate loads of fresh, exotic fruit; was skilled in martial arts and tai-chi; loved seeing live bands and reading. To her mind he was an intriguing mix of ‘urban boy meets exotic warrior prince’. Boy, was she in for a shock when she slowly came to realise he was a suburban mommy’s boy, someone who wasn’t house-trained and couldn’t look after himself for a million bucks. He had her so fooled that he actually succeeded in talking her into living with him, where she experienced his ineptness first hand. It was a shock to unearth a person so radically different to the image he’d obviously worked so hard on developing.

Solution Always take an interest in how a person handles their domestic life early on in the piece—how they look after themselves and fend for themselves. Make an informed decision about whether they’re a man about town, or a mommy’s

Relationships_pages

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page 185

Troubleshooting—building a stronger relationship

185

boy. Sometimes it pays to take off the lust-glasses, put on the magnifying glass and put him under it!

Problem 6: You become seduced by the romance and the fairytale If you’re lucky you can find yourself caught up in a relationship that revolves around rose-petal laden sex with zest, strawberry-dipped chocolate and champagne and busloads of gorgeousness. If that’s the case it’s all too easy to become carried away by the sheer romance of it all and you can find yourself falling regardless of your feelings for the actual person—now there’s a potential ‘oops!’ moment.

Solution When this is the case, there’s a very real need to stop, and reflect on whether you’re into this because the person is generous and imaginative or if, in fact, you really like him. Write down a pros and cons list. If the gifts and the romantic schmoozing are the biggest things you can come up with in terms of what you find so fascinating about him, you’re not going to have much to talk about, are you?

Problem 7: You lose focus and forget about your ambitions, your goals, your dreams We’ve all heard about world-class stars and athletes who allegedly lose their ambition as they become romantically involved. One example is Cathy Freeman, whose retirement from sporting life made world headlines. The media took it upon themselves to tell us her romantic relationship with actor Joel Edgerton was the cause of her retirement. The rest of us (who only know what the media decides to tell us)

Relationships_pages

186

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page 186

Relationships That Rock!

can only look on, hoping that the relationship does justice to a career that vaulted our madly adored Olympic heroine into the stratosphere. We mutter to ourselves, hoping she’s doing the right thing. We realise it’s easy to get waylaid by love. We’ve all done it, whether it’s losing the plot at work, thanks to too many late nights, or dropping our study or our exercise routine, when Mr Man came along. It can be hard to juggle life as it was within the context of a racy new relationship.

Solution It pays to gradually build and evolve the relationship so it doesn’t turn your routine upside down, merely enhances it. You’ll find more about this in the following chapter. It does require dollops of discipline to stop the relationship blurring the boundaries, but if you establish a time split at the outset you’ll find it easier to manage.

Problem 8: Lashing out at the ones you love and taking them for granted Has it ever struck you that you can be friendlier, more courteous and definitely more flirtatious with your local baker than you are with your boyfriend during those times when you’re at war? That’s usually a good gauge for confirming that you’re taking a lot for granted in the relationship. A power struggle can often break out. Usually it’s when you’ve become close and, dare I say, nice and comfortable with your partner that the bickering begins. I know people who have been in relationships for months, even years, before Doctor Evil emerged—theirs or their partner’s. Often these wars are caused by the traits that only gradually are revealed as we

Relationships_pages

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page 187

Troubleshooting—building a stronger relationship

187

become more familiar with each other, and when that happens there’s a tendency to let loose—to put it mildly. It’s ironic, isn’t it, how we can be the cruellest and most deranged with those we love the most. It must be a hangover from our childhood; somehow we learnt the art of filtering our thoughts, criticisms and tantrums when it came to our friends and workmates, but we sure didn’t learn how to curb it with our families! It seems we can set our behavioural patterns to some weird notion that tells us it’s okay to lash out at our partners and treat them like dogs, as long as we don’t do that to our friends! Stop and think about it for a moment—would your closest friends have any idea of what you get up to in the privacy of your own relationship? The mood swings? The demented tantrums? The psychotics? The screaming matches? No, they probably wouldn’t. It’s hardly the sort of information to be shared around, is it? It’s interesting to take a closer look at what the fights are based on and whether it’s the simple, irresistible indulgence of taking advantage of someone close to you because you can. The problem is that often when we strike out at them it’s really a way of pushing our partner away, whether it’s subconscious (maybe deep down we are terrified of the idea of commitment) or not. You might find the relationship has inflamed those deadly demons which had been dormant during your single life— demons which could cause you to be narcissistic and selfindulgent. In your partner you’ve found a saint who will doggedly put up with your histrionics and outrageous antics (be warned, probably not for long, though—everyone has their breaking point). Or, if you’re the dreaded passiveaggressive type who will avoid confrontation at any cost, you

Relationships_pages

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page 188

188

Relationships That Rock!

might not be able to say what you really think, let alone walk away. You could be venting your dissatisfaction in a variety of unhealthy ways which will ultimately force your love buddy to say, Enough!

Solution Become more involved in learning how to avoid the flareups. Learn to understand more about the basis of them, read about how to deal with it or, if it’s clearly necessary, take some action. Did you ever hear of anger management classes? There’s no excuse for being a barbaric bitch around your boyfriend. To get along in a relationship of any kind, you need to practise some self-respect. If you need to learn—it’s best to start now. Here’s a tip though—temper tantrums are ugly and they’re a turn off. Unless you’re a pimply 14-year-old you’re just not gonna get away with it.

Problem 9: You try to change him It’s a situation we’ve all probably been in at some time or another. We want this thing to work so badly that we’ll convince ourselves of the most loaded words in the relationship language—I CAN CHANGE HIM! Transform him! Voilà— with a wave of your jewel-encrusted magic wand you’ll turn him into your fantasy lover—a sauntering, smouldering sex-demon. He’s not macho enough? Oh no problem, we’ll just get some testo cream to rub on his stomach while he’s sleeping. We’re not going to accept that there are fundamental differences between us—oh no, that would be boring. We ignore the fact that he doesn’t match our checklist at all—and as for his drug-smuggling adventure stories, bah! He’s over that phase in his life. Hullo! Have you gone completely insane?

Relationships_pages

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page 189

Troubleshooting—building a stronger relationship

189

Or even stopped to analyse the rather obvious question of how realistic it is to think that he can live in your world and you in his? ’Cos that’s pretty much what it comes down to. At the end of the day, it’s what you’re attracted to first in a person that reaches out and grabs you. If you decide over a period of time that his style isn’t your scene, it’s not really his fault, is it? He was like that when you met him! Presumably that’s what you were attracted to originally. Remember? It really does take two to tango, so . . . you’ve got to be prepared to wear your 50 per cent of the responsibility—fair and square. If your tastes, priorities or whatever have changed since the time you met, you shouldn’t take it out on him. The smart girl would acknowledge that he hasn’t met her expectations, cut her losses and move on. It may be as simple as your personal chromosomes— you’re a saucy little jazz-lovin’ minx and he’s a chubby scratch-and-sniff rock-pig. It might be your tastes in food, or something a whole lot more serious like religion—he’s a model for the priesthood and you’re an atheist. It’s easy to slip into school teacher mode and think about how easy it would be to transform Inspector Gadget into an arts-loving culturejunkie, but best to think again. You’ve no chance! Just because he uses Tahitian Breeze deodorising spritz and smells like a god doesn’t necessarily mean he’s the man for you.

Solution Don’t try to change him! It’s really that simple. We can’t change our partners. It’s a fact. The best you can do is evaluate the character challenges you encounter and decide whether or not you can live with them. If the guy’s got a drinking problem you need to discuss whether or not he’s

Relationships_pages

190

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page 190

Relationships That Rock!

prepared to do anything about it. If he’s not—it’s ‘see yah later’. If the word ‘rescuer’ means anything to you, get out now before you find yourself drowning in a sea of impossibilities. Look at the realities of what it will actually take to make this relationship work and examine where you are with it right now. If there’s a wide gap in between, you’ll know this is a one-way road to disaster.

Problem 10: You’re all caught up in your Love Obsession and you can’t think straight Are you in the habit of obsessing about your new (or potential) partner? Fretting and figuring out if it’s all going to go the way you hope it will? Are you at the point where your demented thinking overrules all rational thinking, along with personal boundaries and sense of self? If this describes you, you know only too well what it feels like to be possessed by a relationship, and it ain’t pretty. If you obsess over a new relationship—analysing conversations as if they’ve been delivered in code and frantically searching his behavioural patterns for signs he’s losing interest—that’s a sign of insecurity. And ironically, the more you head down Desperation Drive and act giddily clingy and over the top, the more likely it is that he really will lose interest. Wouldn’t you if you had some over-excited loony hanging on your every word? Your behaviour could be triggered by old insecurities that resurface when your relationship starts to falter. When you feel vulnerable you tend to respond by freaking out and in return doing anything you can think of to keep your partner—but that could mean smothering them and as a result driving them away.

Relationships_pages

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page 191

Troubleshooting—building a stronger relationship

191

Solution If you’re initiating the moves to take the relationship to the next level and your partner is holding back—even ever so slightly—try to take it in your stride. Just because you’re together doesn’t mean you’re synchronised to move forward at the same pace. Invariably, one of you will be moving at a more cracking pace! And if it happens to be you, accept that you need to slow it down. It’s not an attack on you or the relationship; it’s just respecting your partner’s prerogative to do things at his own speed. If you find it’s getting under your skin, try to become aware of your triggers. Perhaps you have unrealistic expectations? Always remember, there is no such thing as the perfect partner or the perfect connection—that’s just part of fairytale mythology. For a relationship to evolve and flourish you need to be tolerant and accepting of your partner’s attitudes and opinions. You’re not powerless once you’re in the relationship, but it is a democracy and—news flash—you’re not calling the shots. The good news is that you’ve got the power to create and define the guidelines you want to live your life by. There will always be adjustments that need to be made, but the next time you find yourself preparing to destroy yet another relationship because he won’t do whatever, consider what you stand to gain by being in love and in a healthy relationship. It may make you less inclined to force the issue and push him into a corner.

Problem 11: You’ve turned into a relationship churner If you’re a relationship churner (you race through relationships with a churn and burn mentality), you may have developed the unhealthy habit of always searching for your

Relationships_pages

192

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page 192

Relationships That Rock!

dream partner. In this case, no one, thanks to your impossible expectations, can ever satisfy you. If you fall into this category it could stem largely from unresolved insecurities—in fact, you’re always looking to sabotage the relationship because of your own fears. It gets to the point where your partner can’t win—if his thoughts, moods and feelings are similar to your own, you get bored. If they’re different, you get pissed off. Then, when differences of thought or opinion occur, you feel insecure. Often your automatic response is to try and change your partner. And if he doesn’t come around to your way of thinking, the grass over yonder can start looking mighty green. You may even decide to leave a perfectly good relationship rather than deal with your own insecurities.

Solution Time to do some homework, girlfriend. Have a look at the reasons you might have become a churner in the first place. Could it be that you’ve never really taken the time to develop your relationship criteria? Or that you’ve always been in such a rush to race from one relationship to the next that you’re coming up against the same issues again and again? Look at ways to get out of the habit . . . is your self-esteem low? If that’s the case you need to work on your sense of ‘self’ by maintaining your individuality, your interests and your independence. Think about whether you depend on the relationship to ‘make you happy’—if that’s the case, you’ll always be disappointed. Bottom line—you’re responsible for your own feelings and it’s important to generate your own personal fulfilment outside of the relationship. The best relationships take time, effort and energy to flourish. It’s not going to be rosy every day of the week but that’s no reason to grab your bat and ball and go

Relationships_pages

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page 193

Troubleshooting—building a stronger relationship

193

home. It’s a challenge that’s worth working towards. As anyone in a successful relationship will tell you, good relationships require WORK and compromise . . . but make no mistake, if the effort is well placed and the relationship fulfils your nonnegotiable requirements, the rewards will follow!

Problem 12: Looking for your other half—will he complete me? There’s nothing wrong with wanting a great relationship, but expecting your partner to complete you is unhealthy. I’m prepared to go out on a limb here and say if you feel you need a man to make you whole, you’re heading for trouble. It takes away your power base and makes you way too dependent. Ultimately, it gives your partner control over your emotional well-being, and you don’t want that do you? When your sense of fulfilment and satisfaction is dependent on someone else, you constantly look to them for reassurance. Sadly, love can be stifled by your need for validation—instead of being in a position to contribute to your partner’s growth and happiness, you’ll get into the habit of blaming him for where you’re at emotionally. ’Fraid this just isn’t on.

Solution Get into the habit of taking responsibility for your life. You can start by getting rid of unrealistic expectations like ‘it’s my guy’s responsibility to make me feel happy and complete’. Substitute this type of thinking with ‘I have the ability to make my own life complete’. Look for your own gratification with your social life, career and interests. Create diversity in your life by developing and maintaining interesting relationships with all kinds of people.

Relationships_pages

194

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page 194

Relationships That Rock!

The foundation for a strong relationship I’ve come to the conclusion that building a successful relationship relies not only on matching your non-negotiable requirements and all those other things we’ve discussed, but also on working on a number of other day-to-day aspects. Read on.

Practise courtesy, good manners and respect Compliment, praise and acknowledge each other regularly, honestly and enthusiastically—it’s a simple but effective rule of thumb. Communicate politely and respectfully with your partner and you’ll keep things fresh for a very long time. Ever heard of the term ‘positive reinforcement’? It’s what they use to train dogs and children with. The idea is that if Lukie does something good—obeys you, washes up his plate, doesn’t throw porridge at the wall—you reward him with praise and attention. He likes to feel special; it sits well with his already budding ego, so it’s a major incentive for him to do the right thing again (and as much as we pretend otherwise, neither our boyfriends nor ourselves are as far removed from kids and animals as we like to think). Yet we tend to forget this once the initial love-goggles have slipped into the recycling bin. We start picking up on all the annoying peripheral stuff and since the good stuff doesn’t need changing, we focus on picking and prodding at the bad stuff. Pretty soon, Mr Man begins to wonder why the hell he’s in this relationship when all he gets is negative feedback. The little blond bombshell he works with on the other hand, you know, the one who giggles and purrs at everything he says, now that’s someone who appreciates how special he really is.

Relationships_pages

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page 195

Troubleshooting—building a stronger relationship

195

Sounds preposterous? Don’t dismiss it—we girls are exactly the same. We need to feel rewarded and appreciated. We all need positive feedback when we do the right thing, just for being our adorable selves now and then. Otherwise, we start to slump. We start looking for other sources to stroke our egos and the crucial, mutual ego-stroke of this relationship sanctuary fades into the background. By praising and acknowledging whenever you can, you are regularly reminding each other of why you’re in this relationship and why you’re so damn special.

Be lavish with your affection and attention Touch, stroke, kiss and cuddle. Physical contact is one of the most powerful ways of communicating the message that you think your partner is one hot babe. A spontaneous hug, an affectionate kiss, a playful pat or punch—this is the physical language of love that says to your partner not only do I love you, I really, really like you.

Celebrate the things you enjoy most together— the things that brought you together Remember the way you fell in love over the pool table while you teased and taunted and your favourite tunes ricocheted in the background? Remember the buzz? How good it felt? Recapture those moments by revisiting the things that brought you together in the first place. Was it your shared love of Latino soul music? Or intellectual sparring over lattes? Chuckling over competitive games of backgammon? You can keep your union strong and lively by continually strengthening the ties upon which it is built. Don’t let them fall away—they’re your foundations. Haven’t you ever heard

Relationships_pages

196

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page 196

Relationships That Rock!

someone complain that the very things they used to love about their partner are the very things that they just don’t do anymore? I hear it all the time and it makes me very aware that losing the essence of what brought you together in the first place can take the fun and zing out of a partnership.

Understand your past experiences and what you bring to the relationship Often there’s a tendency to hold onto bad habits as we move through relationships, rather than using our mistakes as a reminder of what not to do. What we bring to the union, apart from our sex appeal and highly developed charisma, is our experiences, our insecurities, our egos and a whole lot more. If you’ve done something in your past that has left you feeling responsible for someone else’s pain, you may have convinced yourself that you’re no longer worthy of love. Big Issues need to be resolved before you go bouncing into a new relationship. If they’re not, they can act as The Saboteur. When you enter a new relationship, it’s considered polite to check the egos and insecurities at the front door. Puh-leeze! This is a new relationship and it should be treated as such. You could have a ferocious fear of intimacy and not be consciously aware of it, but you’ll know about it if you find yourself getting smothered or frightened when you’re getting close to someone. Then there’s something the experts call ‘negative anchoring’. I’ll give you an example: it’s what happens when a smell takes you back to your childhood and fills you with memories of times that were either really good or really, really bad. It’s important to clear this kind of negativity from your past before you try to move forward. If you let go of negative emotions from the past—anger, sadness, fear, guilt—and rid

Relationships_pages

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page 197

Troubleshooting—building a stronger relationship

197

yourself of limiting decisions which stem from thoughts such as ‘no matter what I do, I’m not good enough’—the relationship will have a much better survival rate. How? Getting on the right track begins with educating yourself, thinking, talking—whatever is needed to allow these experiences to be sorted out in your conscious mind.

Decide how much effort you’re prepared to put in to make the relationship flourish Have you decided that Mr Marvellous has all the ingredients you’re looking for in a long-term partner? You’ll know it if you’re willing to commit yourself to working out and overcoming obstacles, if and when they arrive. The hallmark of a good relationship is that both parties are committed— they’ve got the staying power. And the only way you’ll have access to commitment is if you’re sure this person’s raw ingredients are the stuff you’re after. Relationships are hard work. Anyone who tells you they’re not is kidding themselves. It can be a super challenge keeping a relationship on track—it’s much harder than throwing your hands up in the air and giving in at the first sign of insanity. It can also be frustrating on those occasions when you’re obliged to be fresh and frisky, to doll up and go out when all you want to do is collapse in front of the TV with your workinduced migraine. Socialising with your partner’s friends can seem like hard labour if you don’t find them particularly interesting; just like it can be hard work dealing with the Spanish Inquisition from the in-laws (if that’s what they choose to serve up). Likewise, it can be complicated trying to keep your romantic feelings on an even keel. That’s the nature of the romantic beast. We all have our off days. There are a

Relationships_pages

198

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page 198

Relationships That Rock!

variety of compromises to be made in relationships and if you can make the successful transition from single chick to smug couple, you will reap the rewards. It just takes work— like anything that’s worthwhile.

Communication: honesty and emotional open-mindedness If you go in with a positive mindset—you’ve decided you’re ready for a relationship and damn it, you really want one— it’s a good idea to treat that relationship with respect. That means communicating with your partner and ensuring you’re both on the same wavelength. Making a relationship work from the start can be as simple as saying what you mean, and being honest and open about where you’d like the relationship to go. Game playing, hidden agendas, manipulation and misinformation are the most destructive tools you can use in a relationship, yet so often we opt to use them rather than just lay it on the line. Women have an agonising fear of being straightforward. We’ve read over and over again, in way too many trashy magazines, that you can never come right out and tell your mate you love him, because apparently this will scare him away. At the end of the day actions may speak louder than words but if they are not accompanied by some sort of verbal explanation they are likely to be misunderstood. Speak clearly and honestly—and really, if your guy is so emotionally timid that he can’t handle it, ask yourself why you’d want to be with him anyway? Directness is only a turn-off when it is motivated by the wrong reasons. Like telling your date in the first hour that you think He’s The One—Hullo! Wake up-call! You may

Relationships_pages

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page 199

Troubleshooting—building a stronger relationship

199

think you’re being honest but you will turn him off completely if you’re giving way to fantasy. I have a rather forward acquaintance named Michelle, who is convinced that the ‘treat ’em mean, keep ’em keen’ approach is the only way to secure a relationship, because any time in the past that she has been ‘honest’ it has turned around and bitten her on the bum. Like the time she emailed a guy she had gone out with once or twice and declared herself ‘in love’ with him. He responded by telling her she was deluded—she didn’t even know him. From that point on she vowed never to tell a man how she really felt, because it would surely turn them off. Correction: the problem was the fact that she believed herself to be ‘in love’ with a man she barely knew, it wasn’t her ‘honesty’! Fact: Michelle has issues distinguishing between reality and fantasy. Fact: honesty and forthrightness will not always send a man packing for the hills. And Michelle’s fantasising would inevitably have come out in the wash and caused the demise of the relationship, regardless. So, please, enough with holding back, playing games, cataloguing, cross-indexing and holding tactical engineering sessions with the girlfriends. And cheers to honesty, initiative and integrity.

Why you have to be confident that it’s going to work Do you go into a relationship thinking, I’m gonna give it my best shot. I’m over the moon and I really want this one to work? ’Cos if you go into it thinking that it’s not going to work, chances are it never will. And it’s not like we always go bounding into a new romance with a whole lotta confidence—it’s a grey area, isn’t it? And where there are high stakes there is usually trepidation. This might sound like a

Relationships_pages

200

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page 200

Relationships That Rock!

no-brainer, but there are no guarantees. Not everyone’s good at relationships but, hey, most people want to be in one. You’ll notice that the one thing I haven’t said here is that you need to be a pouty Liz Hurley siren—all dangerous curves and sexual promise, look-at-me glamazon and temptress in the bedroom—for things to work. Now you don’t need to substitute my judgment for your own, but none of that’s important in the scheme of things. It’s all about you and the charming individual you are—that means topping up your levels of confidence and self-esteem and maintaining and directing good energy. In the next few chapters we’ll be moving into the practical side of the relationship. Hmmm, this is where you’ll get to find out if your dreary day-to-day worlds will come together in perfect harmony. It’s always interesting and seriously revealing when your romantic world collides with the mundane. It can be an exciting time too—one which consolidates all the good work you’ve done so far. But be warned, it’s often, shall we say, a trying time. There’s one final thing I’d like to be clear about before we move on. You need to keep your integrity and your personal truth—that means kickin’ his ass to the kerb if he messes with your head! ’Cos if he’s doing it from the start, things are only going to disintegrate really freaking quickly. Now let’s see if the two of you have got what it takes to take things to the next level.

Relationships_pages

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page 201

14

How to manage the time split It can be tricky finding the balance between your charmed new relationship and your old life. And it’s super important to have guidelines to keep you on track. Partners, friends and families have expectations—some more than others— and it’s up to you to establish the way forward. There will be conflict when it comes to who has the lion’s share of your time and you should be prepared for teething problems early on in the relationship. The best way to deal with conflict is to communicate the time struggles you see heading your way and pre-warn your friends and family that you’ll do your best to keep things as they were, but initially it may be a bit tricky. It’s also the time to sit down with your partner and establish what chunks of time you see yourself spending with friends outside the relationship. At the end of the day you’ll keep everyone happy if you’re upfront about it. As far as making your partner a priority, that means having quality

Relationships_pages

202

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page 202

Relationships That Rock!

time together, being available when he needs you—it’s just commonsense courtesy stuff that we expect. He’s the one you’re aiming to make a long-term commitment with, and quite rightly he can expect the same from you. Rule of thumb: treat him the way you expect to be treated—just don’t abandon the rest of your life. Trying to keep your personal life on track while you’re establishing the relationship can be the hardest thing ever, and it involves a lot of juggling. Your week might be overflowing with work, family and boyfriend commitments, but guess what? You’ve still got to make time for your friends— and for you. It can be tough, but with a bit of discipline and time management it is actually possible to find time in a busy week to achieve a balance of fun and play. Ideally, there would be time for a relaxing night or two at home; catching up for dinner with girlfriends; working overtime when necessary; fitting in the family stuff; doing a weekly class; getting the shopping done; grabbing a bit of exercise; keeping the house organised and tidy—and spending quality time with the boyfriend. Phew! Yep, it’s a whirlwind which at times gets chaotic and at others exhausting, but hey, compare it to being a single mum—it’s a piece of cake! Which, come to mention it, if you harbour any aspirations to becoming a mum, this is excellent prep work. I guarantee you will come out of it feeling very clever—kinda like you’ve got the perfect life—if you can pull it off. It’s the challenge of squeezing all the boyfriendy stuff into an already hectic schedule, without pushing away the other times: friendship, career and ‘you’ time. As sassy singles we may have got used to living an extravagantly BSI (blissful, selfish and indulgent) life. We’d adopted all those funky,

Relationships_pages

6/30/04

4:07 PM

How to manage the time split

Page 203

203

addictive habits that go hand in hand with singledom: we went out when we wanted to, stayed in when we wanted to, performed nude jelly-wrestling if we felt like it and indulged in slothfulness in between. We shopped as hard and as fast as our hearts desired and created timetables that suited our freewheeling lifestyles. It was all about being Numero Uno. Now there’s a sexy man beckoning from the sidelines whose very presence threatens to take away that hard-won freedom. And make no mistake—it can be pretty tricky retaining your original interests when you’re caught up in the Romantic Bubble. Especially now there are all those chunderously cute couply things to do—the long, lazy, hazy hikes; passionate picnics in the park; romantic mini breaks and illicit sex to be had anywhere and everywhere—it’s the stuff of which storybook romances are made. So why resist it at all? Why be so boringly concerned with preserving your old hobbies and friends, when you can simply sink into the love abyss? What follows is a roll-out of the reasons it’s so important to do your own thing, preserve your sense of self, and retain space in the relationship. We read every day about married couples who got together on their first date and were ‘inseparable’ from that moment. How romantic, we think, sigh. Wouldn’t I love to meet My Other Half, and be instantly sealed at the seams. Isn’t that what it’s all about? Errr, in one word—NO! Inseparable is not good. Inseparable is b-o-o-oring. Inseparable means you don’t get time to hang out with your buddies and do your own stuff. Inseparable is what you hear from women who have devoted themselves to their partners for the past ten years and now say ‘I’m bored in my marriage’. Reality check— of course you’re bored! Being inseparable means you don’t

Relationships_pages

204

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page 204

Relationships That Rock!

have a life—only half a life! And forget that crap about ‘being whole now you’ve found your other half ’, or even worse, your better half! You were a whole person before Foxy came along, and it’s up to you to keep that wholeness despite the fact you’re now sharing your life with a wonderful person. Otherwise you risk giving up your passions, projects and dreams, just because your distorted internal dialogue keeps telling you ‘the relationship comes first!’. Come on! That’s so drearily predictable. There are two rules here: one is that you spend quality time outside the relationship; the second is that you maximise the time you spend together so it converts into good quality time.

No one person can fulfil all your needs If you find yourself worrying about jeopardising your romance because you’re doing your own thing and so is he— stop right now! Ironically, you’ll actually strengthen it tenfold because you’ll both be happier. Sure, the idea of tearing yourselves away can seem near impossible during that intoxicating honeymoon stage but the reality is that while the right man may fulfil many of your needs, he’ll never fulfil all of them. Think about it, imagine what would happen if you shut yourself off from the world in a bid to put everything you had to offer into your relationship. Pretty soon it would become a power struggle because you’d be totally dependent on your partner to provide all your emotional needs. A very dangerous situation. And yet time and time again, it’s a trap we fall into. Who can blame us in that giddying honeymoon phase? Sometimes we do just want to hang out and spend the entire weekend lazing with our fave male. And we don’t always want the intrusion of friends, theirs or

Relationships_pages

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page 205

How to manage the time split

205

ours. But we can too easily lull ourselves into a false sense of security about the relationship’s ability to provide us with everything. In fact there are moments when we become seemingly incapable of helping ourselves. We want our significant other to entertain us, shower us with a barrage of original compliments and insights, as well as provide a constant stream of testosterone-driven brilliance about where to go, when to go, what to see, eat, drink and do! We no longer go looking for the big bolshy belly laughs and chatathons with our friends outside the relationship. We seem to stop expecting it to a degree, or we kid ourselves we no longer need it since we’re spinning blissfully around in Foxy’s universe. And then we wonder why we become so frustrated! It’s because we’re not getting our necessary balance of emotional stuff! Duh! It’s exactly the same when we get lazy and stop working on a personal project or doing a class because we kid ourselves that we just ‘don’t have time right now’—and we experience the same mood deflators that mysteriously appear whenever we become less productive. Sure we may be floating on a cloud of endorphins while there’s plenty of scorching sex to be had, but it doesn’t replace our need for other things. Be warned, the love-high will wear off. The fact is, we need more than a hot Superstud to be truly happy. And so does he (need more than a Superchick, that is).

Our differences are what make us attractive Sometimes when we meet our perfect companion, it’s tempting to try and transform him into a male version of ourselves. We rapturously encourage his interest in food and fashion, and scoff at his love of racing and engines. We revel in his

Relationships_pages

206

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page 206

Relationships That Rock!

shared love of crappy reality shows, and subtly quash his passion for Thursday World Soccer. And yet things like these are the very essence of what defines our ‘otherness’. We’re attracted by our differences just as much as we are by that which we have in common. One of the most important things we can do in our relationships is encourage each other to be our own people. When your partner starts going on about quadcam V6 engines, 18-inch alloys and satellite navigation, send him off for a beer o’clock with his buddies. Expect and encourage your love-buddy to keep up all his man-interests and his hobbies. Revel in the fact that he plays guitar, kicks ass with karate and competes in chess tournaments, for god’s sake. These are things you presumably can’t do, so embrace them. Having said that, you might like to learn karate, chess and guitar at some stage, and that’s fine—for the moment though, you can happily enjoy these ‘other’ things about your partner, who is capable of turning you on by virtue of the fact that he has managed to keep his own active life— independent of you. In my world, there is a very tall philosophy fence which surrounds the rules I live by—it’s a constant reminder that there are some needs that only your family and friends can fulfil. If you don’t learn to salvage the fun stuff from your old single life and figure out how to juggle it with a blossoming new relationship, you’re going to find yourself wading into deeper and murkier waters. Why? Because no one human being can satisfy every need in another—we all need a variety of stimuli, a variety of people in our lives, and a truckload of independent hobbies, in order to be happy. Trying to sap all of this from one single person is almost guaranteed to stifle the spirit out of any new squeeze. Take it from me, it can be

Relationships_pages

6/30/04

4:07 PM

How to manage the time split

Page 207

207

pretty unsettling when all those invitations stop flooding in—that’s when the creepy feeling hits that there’s a party goin’ on and everyone’s invited except you. The realisation that Foxy is fast becoming your solo social universe adds extra pressure. You start wondering why you don’t have any other options when Saturday night looms. You haven’t given it much thought but before you know it it’s 6 p.m. and there are no plans other than the two of you going out for a casual bite to eat. And hey, maybe you prefer it that way, but it’s nice to have choices, isn’t it? It becomes all the more apparent if we slow down to the point that we’re going out much less than we did. Or we’ve become ultra-selective about what appearances we will and won’t make—often leaning on the line that we simply don’t have time to fit in the good old Sunday arvo soirées with the girls anymore. That’s when you start eating away at your soul food stuff. To kid yourself that your boyfriend is a substitute for the friend thing is dangerous. He’s not, and nor should he ever be thought of as such. The same goes in reverse. We get our self-esteem through our work, studies, sport, exercise, interests and the hobbies we take the most pride in—they are an immediate way to gauge that you’re on track and doing okay. Lifelong pursuits and passions come with a history and are part of the image of who you think you are and how importantly you take yourself—they create a level of self-image which converts to self-respect. It’s just too tempting to invest everything into the ‘we’ in the relationship rather than honouring the all-important ‘me’. Think of it this way— a person with high self-esteem falls in love because they feel good about themselves—the triumphant result of all that emotional work during the single times. If the relationship

Relationships_pages

208

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page 208

Relationships That Rock!

becomes the centre of your universe, once the initial sizzle fades your self-esteem can nose-dive right along with it. All too often we fall into the relationship trap where we expect our partners to make us feel as good as is humanly possible, as though it’s part of the deal. That’s when a sense of disillusionment can take over and we find ourselves anguishing about how much we’ve given up or sacrificed thanks to the relationship. And let’s face it, this doesn’t make for good relationship material.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder Spending time apart can actually improve the quality of time you do spend together. Newsflash: you don’t need to be one of the neurotic couples who live in each other’s pockets— that’s so passé. It’s human nature to appreciate someone when they’re off doing their own thing, less is more—rah, rah, rah. If you’ve been seeing each other every day, try spending three whole days and nights apart and, when you see each other next, get ready to experience the heady emotions of the early days. You’re guaranteed to become lustfully mystified by each other and w-i-l-d-l-y curious about all that you’ve been doing during your time apart. Have you ever stopped to think about how much time the two of you spend just existing? Functioning on the most basic levels—sleeping, eating, staring at the box . . . sure, this is part of the fun, but it’s awfully easy to slip into full-time ‘sleep’ mode, where you stop actively interacting and engaging and simply start co-existing. The most rewarding relationships are the ones where there is a maximum of quality time, the end result of which is a greater appreciation for each other and a deeper connection.

Relationships_pages

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page 209

How to manage the time split

209

Quality relationship time and how to get it Ensuring that you and Mr Man do enjoy quality time together—as opposed to ‘sleep’ sessions—simply requires a little planning. You just have to plot your time together so when you have it, it’s imaginative and stimulating. You can start by making a blanket rule to go out one night a week. And I do mean out. Doesn’t matter where, so long as it’s out of the house, even if it’s just for a walk, a bite to eat, or a coffee—it’s a new environment, so it will provide a superior stimulus for conversation. If you’re stuck in the same environment day after day, of course things are going to get stale! You need to free up some sexy chunks of quality time to spend with your partner and keep the balance for yourself. That’s what relationships are about—the quality of life. Right! Let’s assess how well both of you are doing in this area. Time for Quiz 13.

FQuiz 13: How well are we doing? 1. In order to make the relationship work, would you consider giving up or cutting down your own personal interests and activities? True or False 2. Do you become ultra-involved and interested in Foxy’s interests—stuff that you couldn’t care less about but which enables you to bond with him? True or False 3. Do you spend less and less time with the friends, family and those you love if Foxy discourages it? True or False 4. Do you find yourself wishing you had more going on in your life? True or False

Relationships_pages

6/30/04

4:07 PM

210

Page 210

Relationships That Rock!

You should have circled ‘False’ for at least three of the above statements. If you didn’t you really need to assess your own life/interests/activities outside of the relationship and work out ways to pump them up. Paul has always insisted that he and I spend time apart doing our own thing. At first—for like the first two years— I would often get upset that he didn’t want to spend his nights with me and would rather be on his own, but then I came to embrace it. It meant that every time we saw each other we were excited to see each other, and had things to talk about. We would tend to make the most of the time more rather than just veg out. We’ve been together eight years now and I believe this is what has kept things so good for us. We live together now but because we spent so long being independent, we’re still very much that way now. Lisa, 27

Getting the balance right If you continuously ignore your own deep-seated needs, you will inevitably start to get pissed off at Mr Man, who you could quite easily blame for greedily stealing all your time. It’s easy to point the finger at everyone but ourselves, when really it doesn’t have much to do with anyone else and everything to do with our own discipline, commitment and time-management skills. Of course, there’ll be nasty withdrawals and a price to pay if one minute you’re an insanely driven workaholic and the next you’ve landed butt first on the sofa with no intention of getting up again. It’s not healthy, nor is it a good idea to suddenly, severely cut yourself off from your power base.

Relationships_pages

6/30/04

4:07 PM

How to manage the time split

Page 211

211

If you’ve gone into the relationship with the same speed as a Formula One driver, it’s going to impact on the rest of your life. Especially if it has an element of comi-tragic intensity with sprawling epics and misunderstood tantrums. You can’t keep up regular routines with friends and family if you’re spending all your time with the new beau. Getting the balance right when there’s so much temptation to lead you away from your old life can be a monumental task. It’s like having a piece of ultra-rich cheesecake plopped slap-bang among a buffet of healthy salads, seafood, sorbets and fruit; you know you should concentrate on balance and eat even portions, but you can’t help yourself from OD-ing on the gooey, glutinous stuff which, as it turns out, is divine, but any more than one slice and it gets sickly. But whether we’re talking about buffets or relationships, it all goes back to the one core principle—which is getting the balance right. And that can be harder than it seems when you’re getting such an addictive buzz from the new relationship. But don’t think you can spend 24/7 with Sexy Man without it impacting on your life, your friendships and your other projects or passions. You’re kidding yourself! All those hours spent languishing in Adonis’s love-cocoon aren’t bonus points. There’s no courtesy time for being in love. This is all time that was previously spent on something else. It’s a simple equation and other stuff in your life will have to give, be it your oldest, dearest friendships or your evening power walk. One of the tricks in becoming a smug coupled-up chick is keeping a quality watch over what those ‘somethings’ are. To get some structure you’ll need to examine the breakdown of your time demands to see where the relationship is making the biggest dent. Break down where your time is

Relationships_pages

6/30/04

4:07 PM

212

Page 212

Relationships That Rock!

currently being spent, and give each item a priority rating. In order to juggle everything it might just mean that you have to cut down on an hour or two of brain-numbing TV, or roadtest a few timesaving techniques. You could try: A A A

setting the alarm for an hour earlier to fit more in; using your planner to get organised; serious multi-tasking—that might just mean talking on the phone to an old friend while you toilet-duck the bowl.

Maintaining your social life Be warned that while friends might let you off the hook for going AWOL in the initial stages, they’re gonna get frosty if things don’t improve down the track. How do you get your social life back and rejuvenate the respect of your friends? Easy! Do a deal with your man where each of you gets to spend one Saturday night a month with your own group of friends. And make it a Big Night—a special occasion—preferably one where you have to get all dolled up. Go out and have a great time. (One rule applies: no texting or sooky phone calls allowed!) My boyfriend Andrew and I have a kind of agreement that whenever we’re out with friends as a couple, we don’t hang around each other. I can’t stand these couples that go out and then stick to each other’s side like glue. We’ll usually split up and spend the night talking to our friends, only meeting at the end of the night to go home together. We figure, we get to talk any time, but we don’t always get to see our friends. Marcella, 28 There’s only one way to keep your old social life alive. It’s called maintenance. If you work really hard at keeping it in place things will be fine—if you don’t, make no mistake,

Relationships_pages

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page 213

How to manage the time split

213

it’ll fizzle the hell away. It’s no good saying you’re frustrated because you don’t have enough time to honour your friends and social life—it’s up to you to make the time. No one else can make you do it, least of all Foxy. All he can do is offer his support, which he will if he’s truly interested in your well-being—if he’s not, you’re wasting your time.

Preserving your goals and interests So, what about all those interests and pastimes you were fostering before a certain sexy someone entered your stratosphere? In order to be true to your passions and goals you need to stop and think about what turned you on before the relationship came along. You have to be super-aware of making every effort to encourage each other (or nag, whatever it takes) to go do your own thing, whether it be footy, flying, French or flamenco. It’s about dragging yourself away from your partner (yes, yes, you will survive without him for the afternoon) and finding the time to keep up the things that made you feel worthy, independent of the relationship. Otherwise, you’ll run the risk of allowing those interests to fizzle away. Truly. Likewise, you’ll be asking for resentment down the track if you find yourself doing things you hate just because Foxy likes doing them. The only way to deal with it is by being upfront about your likes and dislikes—it doesn’t mean your fave things have to go just because Foxy doesn’t get excited about them.

How do you make a plan you’ll stick to? Start with a list—call it your mid-week survival guide. Remind yourself of the interests that took up a chunk of your time during the singles phase. Work out one or two viable weekly activities, get that notepad out and once you’ve

Relationships_pages

6/30/04

214

4:07 PM

Page 214

Relationships That Rock!

committed it to writing, stick it to your fridge. Continue with your night classes, your weekend seminars or your creative pursuits. Make an appointment to spend a quiet night at home to reflect on where you’re at with the relationship and how it has impacted on your life—weigh up both the positives and the negatives. Don’t ever forget (and this is not a love myth) you don’t need a boyfriend to validate you.

Work it, girlfriend I know a gal who was a workaholic—she’d been working a 60-hour-a-week job in a clerical capacity and moonlighting at nights and weekends as a wedding photographer. When romance struck like a bolt out of the blue after three years of singledom, she found herself caught up in the whirlwind— working less and investing more time in the relationship and the Couple Stuff. When after four months she found herself falling from her position as one of the city’s most successful photographers, she started to get pissed off. Feeling the fault lay with her boyfriend (who had after all seduced her into having such a good time), she had a good hard think about it and realised the solution was easier than she’d imagined. She’d split her time between the two major things in her life—the romance and her profession—which was not to say that she planned to downgrade her relationship, so she sat down and had a talk with her boyfriend to clarify things. Together they worked out a rough timetable which meant the following: firstly, they would see each other less, thereby freeing up quality time for her to do her work; secondly, they would schedule ‘dates’ for the times that they did see each other. The result was a higher workload, a happier girl and a raunchier relationship spiced up by the new dating timetable.

Relationships_pages

6/30/04

4:07 PM

How to manage the time split

Page 215

215

If she were brutally honest with herself, she would also value the security of her career, should it outlast the relationship. At least that way she’d have less chance of becoming unstuck if the boy thing failed. So how do you retain your sense of self while you’re falling in love? And manage to keep your own space without flipping into an insecure-freak zone? Especially when there’s a temptation to immerse yourself in The Relationship and devote less time to your passions and friends. I know I keep going on about it, but it’s really important to get different things from a variety of people—that’s how we adopted the All-Sorts method, remember? Wouldn’t it be kinda boring if everyone you knew had exactly the same perspective to offer? I think we’d all go mad. So, you apply the same discipline that you applied when you were looking for a relationship—only now you reverse it. You do need to make a huge effort with your own friends and social network; you can’t expect them to do all the work and make all the effort. Bottom line—if they stop hearing from you they’ll probably stop making an effort and before you know it, the whole thing will have collapsed. Always remember, your friends are there for the long haul but, sadly, there are no guarantees with the romance. More about the power of friendships coming right up.

Relationships_pages

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page 216

15

Girl talk I have girlfriends who are single and get by fine with just their girlfriends, but I can’t live like that. I find that when I’m single it’s really important to me to still have some guys in my life. It makes such a huge difference to my happiness, especially if I’m having a bad day or a bad week, to be able to depend on a guy friend to talk to and even have a hug. Jessica, 30 Life rocks when you’ve got fantastic friends, and I don’t mean just one but a network. The friend thing provides a release and a rush. You can learn an awful lot about yourself from feedback that comes via a trusted confidant who has history with you. Imagine where you’d be without your lazy girlfest therapy sessions. I’d shrivel up and die. Women are natural nurturers and we’re really good at nurturing each other.

Relationships_pages

Girl talk

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page 217

217

The scene’s set with Tim Tams and tequila. It’s impossible to replicate the compliments, the feedback, the encouragement and the feel-good fuzzy feelings that come from these sessions. How often do you hear anyone else start a sentence with ‘one of the best things about you . . .’? What happens with the girls is that we race through the spectrum of gossip and exchange intimacies at dizzying speeds. We make ourselves vulnerable because we can—we’re in a wonderfully safe environment—a forum for the sort of stuff that we take to our graves. This is the real deal. Put us together and we just go! We’re all interested in one thing— trading A-grade top-secret information. It’s hours of fun: thrashing, analysing, speculating, wondering and fulfilling our godgiven right to gossip. Which is very different to guys who get together at the pub and busy themselves ‘doing something’ like playing pool or pinball while they debate the benefits of the latest gizmos on the market. We don’t need to ‘do’ anything. If we’re having an anxiety attack about a situation at work or wherever, we’re more than happy to run through it in all its grisly detail. We love the drama. We thrive on it. We want to know about the problems in everyone else’s worlds too—it helps to put our problems in context. It’s a spot from which we are better placed to see where we fit on the big scale of things—whether it’s work related or personal. Problems aren’t necessarily aired because we’re looking for an answer, often it’s just to break the ice and get things started. Guys have a boring way of wanting to solve all our problems; they don’t share our satisfaction in just hashing through them for the sake of it. Girls can! Sure our boyfriends might give insightful, incisive feedback as well— we’d certainly hope so—but that’s different. It’s something

Relationships_pages

218

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page 218

Relationships That Rock!

that can only work in addition to and not instead of the girl stuff—which makes it pointless comparing it. Comparing stories, crises and drama: this is stuff that, I’m sorry, you’ll never be able to do with your boyfriend—not this sweetly anyway.

Romance will never substitute for friendships You may have found you’re approaching a stage in the relationship where you’re both happy enough seeing only mutual friends. But do you know what? If these are your only active friendships right now, you’re selling yourself short. You’re depriving yourself of the closeness that comes from those priceless one-on-one sessions with a friend. I’m talking about some pretty basic needs that your man just can’t, won’t and shouldn’t have to fulfil—basic needs that result in our happiness, needs that can only be fulfilled by other friends. Of course, not everyone has the same approach to dealing with the singles phase—sometimes it’s a valued male buddy who can keep you sane. According to Anne Hollonds from Relationships Australia, ‘the shift from being single to becoming part of a couple is a life-altering experience and it’s important your friendships don’t get left behind’. Exactly! If you are careless about keeping in contact with your pals, you’d better prepare yourself for a Mexican standoff. Susie’s fallen in love, thank you very much, and so the stars must treble in the skies, birds must soar in unison, the world must reverse on its axis. Susie’s in fucking love. I’m not bitter, I know I sound it, but I’m not. Cynthia Heimel, Advanced Sex Tips for Girls

Relationships_pages

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page 219

Girl talk

219

Best friends make the worst enemies None of your failed romances is as likely to wreak as much havoc as a friendship gone wrong. In particular, your romance is likely to put a strain on things with your best pal. For starters your friend is sure to feel put out that she (or he) is no longer the centre of your universe. She’ll sense you’re having more fun with Slugger and that fitting her in is becoming a bit of a struggle. Ouch, that hurts! Which is why new relationships often result in the most spectacular fallouts of all with our nearest and dearest. My best friend and I never fight except when it comes to boyfriends. For a long time she was single and I was going from one relationship to the next. Every time I broke up with somebody we would spend a lot of time together, then I’d meet someone else and I wouldn’t be around as much and we would have these huge fights about how she felt hurt and neglected, blah blah. Then, finally, I was single and she met this guy. Suddenly the roles were reversed. I felt a bit dumped and forgotten so I sent her an email saying that even though I knew she didn’t mean it, I now knew how she felt about being dumped, etc. She got really defensive and said she was doing her best, rah rah. It was interesting because it was exactly the same fight down to the minute, we’d just swapped roles. Rochelle, 29 At the time it can seem as if the best mate who’s grumbling noisily in the background of your heady love affair is simply being bitter and kinda selfish. Shouldn’t she be happy that you’ve found love? Can’t she just quit being egocentric

Relationships_pages

220

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page 220

Relationships That Rock!

for two minutes while you lather up in Honeymoon Valley? Is that what you think? If so, stop right there and take a moment to imagine what it’s like being in her shiny shoes. She’s had best friend status for years. Now all of a sudden you’re confiding in someone you’ve only known for a few weeks. From her point of view it seems she’s been traded in for a new best friend—she’s been demoted and downgraded. It’s fair to say that if she is truly a good friend, she won’t expect to see quite as much of you now that you’re in a relationship—she’ll anticipate changes. But sometimes even our most caring, loving, rational friends don’t behave the way they would if we were writing the script. Unlike you, she may not want to talk about your partner every hour on the hour! There’s a refugee crisis, her mother’s having a breakdown, there’s shit going on! Or she may even seem to ignore the fact that you’re in a relationship—what’s that all about? Sadly in some cases, it may be that a really cherished friend is influenced by that other ‘c’ word—competition—and your happiness is an uncomfortable reminder of her own unfulfilled goals in this department. It’s also highly probable that she’s terrified of losing you. Maybe, deep, deep down, she is hurt that you have someone and she doesn’t. Hell, if she’s been single for years and you’ve just sky rocketed into Utopia with the man of your dreams, she’s probably feeling a bit dejected. Who can blame her? She’s playing bystander to someone else’s love story. And she’s lost her partner in crime to boot. Of course it’s going to bring out the worst in her. These are the reasons the best friend thing needs very special attention. As well as doing the right thing by someone who’s important to you, it’s also about self-preservation. Fastforward to a sudden and dramatic unexpected Break Up—

Relationships_pages

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page 221

Girl talk

221

your friends aren’t going to appreciate you hurtling back into their lives when things suddenly and tearfully dissolve if they haven’t seen or heard from you for months, are they? Friendships are like credit cards—they need to be maintained. You need to work on them and put aside a considerable amount of time to keep them turning over. There are many gracious ways to make a gentle transition from seeing a friend every day to ‘now I’ve got a boyfriend I can’t see you so much’. Here are some key points to remember.

The relationship/friendship rules Rule No. 1: Always remember your single friends might be extremely sensitive about your partner In other words, don’t spend all your time extolling Foxy’s virtues—give it a rest. Think about it, do you like meeting new parents and hearing baby-talk for hours on end? No! Well, it’s the same thing. It will make it difficult for them to appreciate him if he’s all they ever hear about. And anyway, it’s just plain insensitive to go on and on about Tiger being the hottest fuck in the world, rah rah, when her nights are currently spent with Benji the Bear. The same goes when you’re hanging out with your single friends and your new boyfriend. Never fawn and simper in front of them, no matter how loved up you are. I have a friend who’s been madly in love with her partner for six long years now. Over the years I’ve had to sit over yonder while she spoonfeeds him ice-cream and tops up his wine while my glass sits sadly empty. I’ve met up with them at parties at the ugly end of a post-break-up break-down, only to be made to feel a thousand times worse by their giggling and

Relationships_pages

222

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page 222

Relationships That Rock!

nuzzling. At other times when I’ve met up with my friend minus her man, I’ve hit the depths of depression over her gushing descriptions of how incredibly ecstatic she is in this relationship—which has apparently turned into one long orgasm. Needless to say, I don’t see too much of her these days. While this is not to say you can’t confide in your friends about how happy you are, just practise a little discretion when it comes to choosing your audience and your moments. Common sense and sensitivity would tell you that it’s not kosher to go on and on about your relationship when your friend is down in the dumps about her love life.

Rule No. 2: Make an effort to keep the friendship as normal as it was before you started your Love-Adventure That means finding time to do the stuff you used to do together. If you are genuinely crazy-madly in love and unable to stop going on about it, plan to ‘do’ stuff when you spend time together. That way you’re putting the emphasis on the activity rather than the conversation, which will help relieve the temptation to rave on and on and on about the relationship.

Rule No. 3: Be sure to let them know how much you DO care Avoid the hurt and tension that can result from finding a new lover by taking the time to remind your friend that she (or he) is still as important to you as ever. It’s a small thing and it doesn’t take much—just a few quick words via email or on the phone—but it can sure mean a lot to anyone who’s feeling sad and nervous about losing you. It’s okay to explain your point of view and appeal for some understanding while you’re at it. Hopefully, she’ll appreciate that

Relationships_pages

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page 223

Girl talk

223

you are working on creating extra space in your life to fit in both friend and lover, which should by no means affect the quality of your friendship. It just happens they’ll have to share you.

Tips for friendship maintenance A

Be upfront with friends, and be honest about how much time you’re going to have for them with your new schedule.

A

If circumstances make face-to-face contact difficult, make a pact to stay in touch via phone, SMS or email.

A

A friendship is an investment, and just like a relationship it requires commitment and time. Make the time; it’s worth it.

A

Take the risk and make contact with friends you’ve lost touch with.

Worst case scenario 1 Let’s look at the impact your friends can have on your romantic pursuits and your progress. What’s their take on it? How much does it influence you? And what’s their agenda? Friends can be priceless as a gauge for what works for you in relationship land and what doesn’t. They’re the ones most likely to remember all the gory details of your relationships from hell—some that even you may have forgotten in a bid to block them out forever. Is it likely the relationship will be

Relationships_pages

6/30/04

4:07 PM

224

Page 224

Relationships That Rock!

doomed from the word ‘go’ if they’re not behind it? Or do you look to your friends for opinions which will help highlight aspects of his personality you may not have noticed, or been blinded to—negative and positive? It’s a very grey area but it’s your call, and only you can decide how much or how little you’ll let the friend thing affect you—but unless you don’t feel good about it, dismissing their perceptions and judgments could be a big mistake. At the very least you should take them on board as a significant factor in the equation. The jibes that can hurt are often the ones buried within a conversation; they can be light-hearted, but effective nonetheless. If they’re well aimed, they may have the ability to leave you doubting the relationship. It’s wise not to take such comments to heart though, especially if you’re happy with your partner and haven’t asked for an opinion.

Solution Decide how much influence you’re going to allow from your friends. Consider their responses to past relationships. If they’ve given you grief before and they’ve been in the wrong, don’t give them the opportunity now. Try to steer conversations away from your relationship issues. If you do find yourself becoming extremely influenced by friends’ opinions, have a think about asking them to tone it down on the premise that if they don’t have anything positive to say about your relationship, you’d prefer it if they didn’t say anything at all.

Worst case scenario 2 They don’t get along. You’ve tried everything, but they just haven’t clicked and neither of them can see what you see in the other. A ‘get to know you’ dinner turns into a nightmare

Relationships_pages

Girl talk

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page 225

225

with awkward silences and Foxy saying all the wrong things. You know it wasn’t his fault but you lash out at him at the end of the night in your frustration about things not working out in the way you’d hoped. If your friend decides she (or he) really doesn’t like your partner, for whatever reason, you may find her going cold on you as well. This is a tricky situation, which will breed resentment on both sides. If your friend is cool to the point of being rude either directly to, or about your boyfriend, or even if she hasn’t said outright that she doesn’t like him, she may start prompting you for incriminating personal stuff, and using it against him in the future. An example would be if you were to volunteer that you don’t get along particularly well with his parents, who antagonise you at every opportunity. When prompted, you spill the beans about the last girlfriend, who eventually ran out of town (or at least out of Foxy’s arms). Your friend tut-tuts, shakes her head and says, ‘It’s disappointing.’ You may think that’s the start and end of it, but you find that she uses it as a gauge of your relationship, and throws it in with a ‘how do you think you’ll cope with that in the long term?’ kind of jibe which, if you hear enough of it, can be unsettling.

Solution Face it head on. Have a coffee with your friend and broach it gently. Begin by letting her (or him) know how happy you are with him, and that you’d love it if you could all be close. Having said that, sometimes it doesn’t hurt to gracefully admit that you and she have extremely different tastes—and that’s okay. She doesn’t have to go out with your boyfriend so she shouldn’t worry about it too much.

Relationships_pages

226

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page 226

Relationships That Rock!

It’s a highly personal choice as to how involved you’ll want your pals to be with your boyfriend. You may want only limited contact—and that’s fine—but I think it’s important to set up at least one dinner or drinks scenario where they can get to know each other a little better and have a frame of reference from that point. Whether or not it seems this way, your friend is merely looking out for your best interests, this is her way (albeit an awkward one) of going about it. Think of it as the ‘Nanna’ approach. Let her have her say but if you find it’s getting too much, gently point out that you’re not overly concerned about it, and neither should she be. As far as your boyfriend goes, consider very seriously whether or not to share the information with him. Especially since he will hold it against her from here on in if you do; a show of solidarity would be nice. And remember, you can’t force it. Leave it for a few months and revisit it after a period of time, when they’ve both got used to the idea that neither of them is going anywhere. These are two examples of the worst case scenario stuff which you might experience at the start of Planet Relationship. Usually, once the teething problems are over, it does get easier slotting your new boyfriend into your old life—a much better approach than abandoning your old life to fit in your new boyfriend, if you see what I mean. Katie had been going out with James for three and a half months: We started off spending every possible moment together, it was the best time. I realised I wasn’t seeing the girls much but to be honest I just thought they’d be okay with that. I still

Relationships_pages

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page 227

Girl talk

227

spoke to them on the phone regularly but it took a while to realise that they’d actually stopped inviting me to their girl-sessions. Generally I noticed they were being pretty cool towards me. In the beginning I never really thought of it in terms of neglecting them but it only took one of them to make a pretty bitchy comment about the fact that I never seemed to be available anymore, and then I got it. Katie, 26 YOUR CHALLENGE Set aside time over the next month to organise a once-weekly event that involves your gal pals exclusively. To get some variety why not start small, with a one-on-one, and then plan another do with a slightly bigger group. Finally, get them altogether (assuming they’re compatible, of course) for a cosy night in—your place would be nice. Buy some fresh Vietnamese spring rolls and ask the girls to bring the verdelho. Let the fun begin.

Part IV in a nutshell A

Don’t lose your independence.

A

Stay true to your own passions and pursuits.

A

Don’t abandon or neglect your buddies.

A

Make every effort to live a life as full and rounded as it was during the fabulous singles phase.

Relationships_pages

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page 228

Relationships_pages

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page 229

part V

Is he the one?

Relationships_pages

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page 230

Relationships_pages

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page 231

16

He’s not perfect but he’s perfect for you Remember I introduced you to my friend Lee earlier? Lee has a brilliant overview of how all this love stuff works. He calls it his ‘love pipeline’. He’s deeply involved with Suki, who as you know is a very sassy girl he loves very much. Because he is so confident that this is the Right Relationship—and he intends to keep it—he has literally created his own vision of what needs to happen for things to progress. That means his focus is 100 per cent based on the end result. He says this helps to play down the detail and the actual ‘hows and whys’ of getting there. In his own words, he’s ‘driving from the back seat’. This kind of thinking, he assures me, allows room for the obligatory tantrums, traumas and teething problems that are part and parcel of relationships—all Small Picture stuff in his opinion. Since his focus is on the Big Picture, he has a crystal-clear vision of the desired outcome.

Relationships_pages

232

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page 232

Relationships That Rock!

Lee is totally aware that there’ll be some argy-bargy along the way and he’s built that into the journey. Rule No. 1, he insists, is know where you’re going and be confident you’ll arrive at your destination. That means you are absolutely determined to work through ANY and ALL problems you encounter along the way. It’s kinda logical if you want something long lasting, isn’t it? If you are truly serious about a relationship with emotional honesty, commitment, truth and resilience, you’ll be in for some hard work, but the results will be extraordinary. You’ve built a nest that started with a kiss and ends with sharing beds and toothbrushes. This is a love affair that embodies all your hopes, dreams and romantic aspirations. Like I said earlier—and this is a really big thing—if you go into a relationship thinking that it might not work, chances are it never will. If you’re half-hearted about it (i.e. is this really the relationship I want?), you’re setting yourself up for throwing in the towel the minute the going gets tough. It’s like when you start a diet or quit smoking—unless you really, really want it to work, it won’t. The thing that’s going to tear a relationship apart faster than anything else is when one half of the couple is totally unwilling to do whatever’s necessary to make their partner happy (apart from turning into a doormat, of course—get out of that one as FAST as you can). No relationship is going to be perfect, and no partner is either, but if you’re flexible enough to invest time into becoming a good partner, it will give the relationship a sporting chance. It’s just a matter of perseverance. Sometimes you do have to focus your efforts in an attempt to understand what your partner needs, and that might be as simple as appreciating the thrill of being touched, or understanding

Relationships_pages

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page 233

He’s not perfect but he’s perfect for you

233

the need to show more affection. Or it might be about more complex issues, like encouraging your mate to reach for the sky and live their dreams, no matter how distant they seem. If major problems do occur along the way, there are strategies to deal with them. Often we think we should be able to work things out for ourselves and we don’t need outside help. But it can be hard to know how to deal with unfamiliar situations, like insecurities that you don’t display outwardly which can make it hard to endure self-control. Or he’s more complicated and moody than you realised, and at times you have no clue how to get through to him, let alone make him laugh or relax. The reality is that if troubles arise we can choose to work through them in a variety of ways, some more formal than others. If you’ve found that an old-fashioned thrashing through it hasn’t had the desired effect, it may be time to think seriously about implementing the aid of a skilled counsellor. And while ‘couple classes’ might not seem the most romantic thing in the world, the experts argue that signing up will increase your chances of going the distance—IF going the distance is what you have decided you want over and above everything else. We’re talking about Big Picture stuff. The kind that requires you to clearly visualise the relationship as it develops and progresses. The planet’s sexiest bad boy, Johnny Depp, has described his first meetings with his wife and mother of his child in this way: . . . you can never truly love a person till you know them. You have this feeling but you can’t really explain it. I had that when I first saw Vanessa. When I met up

Relationships_pages

234

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page 234

Relationships That Rock!

with her again, I saw her across a room, just her back, and it was an instant sort of, ‘Oh my God, what’s happening?’ But then I had no idea of knowing how great a person she was and how great a mother she would turn out to be. She’s unbelievable.

Do you remember your first steady relationship? I do. He was a beautiful guy. I was barely 15 and he was a couple of years older. Our meeting on horseback was at the heart of one of the greatest fantasies of female allure: I was prancing prettily through a green grassy bank—actually I was probably plodding more than prancing, but just try to imagine it in slo-mo. I caught a vision of him galloping gallantly towards me and, eager to impress, I kicked my pony up into a canter. Have you ever tried to ride a horse, keep your bosoms from bouncing right off your chest and look all pouty at the same time? We exchanged smouldering Mills & Boon style looks as we passed each other by and in that moment, we had it all—the goo-goo eyes, the wind fanning our hair, his long blond surfie locks trailing out behind him—he was Fabio, for god’s sake! The horses must have caught the high camp moment as well, rolling their eyes and snorting at each other. Aah, teenage lust! Only a week later, I turned up to a neighbour’s house-party and there he was! We recognised each other instantly. He gave me his cheekiest hang-dog smile and said, ‘You wanna come surfing tomorrow?’ We were inseparable from that night. As the relationship progressed not only did we become closer, but sadly, he also became more possessive, to the point where he didn’t want me going out with my girlfriends, or in fact going anywhere without him around. It was when he

Relationships_pages

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page 235

He’s not perfect but he’s perfect for you

235

insisted on picking me up from the train station every day after work that I started to realise something wasn’t quite right—he was at the point where he was even getting jealous of the time I spent with my horse! But the relationship continued for another few months before the hairline fracture became a gaping chasm, with things becoming progressively more uncomfortable until finally I got the nerve to break it off. I had no idea of the long drawn-out, terrifying and traumatising set of events that lay ahead of me. Fast-forward to six months later when the drama had subsided and I was left trying to deal with the effects of the psychotic antics of an emotional terrorist who had way too much confusion in his soul—all of this at the ripe old age of 17. I bore the scars for years, the main point being that I discovered that the world of relationships was messy, crazy and dangerous. A highly emotional roller-coaster ride where once you got on, it was hellish to get off. As a principal experience in my memory bank, it left me with the vivid impression that when you were committed to your partner you were inextricably bound to them, emotionally, physically and intellectually. I didn’t realise I had the power to say, ‘NO! GO AWAY!’ I was scared of the consequences of getting out, and possessed by the dark magic that hung over us, so I stuck around for far too long. Looking back, I can see I was too young and naive to understand the complexity of a relationship on a big scale, let alone the concept of individuality within a relationship. Nowadays I just get out quickly if I sense all isn’t quite right—that way you stop things snowballing into something catastrophic.

Relationships_pages

6/30/04

236

4:07 PM

Page 236

Relationships That Rock!

. . . and the next? My next relationship was equally tumultuous but in a very different way. This time my boyfriend not only had a flawless smile but was an extremely positive influence, encouraging me to go back to study. I’d actually left school when I was 15 (I wouldn’t recommend that for any teenage readers) and had been in the workplace for a couple of years, where I’d scored a job in the fashion world—the most zhooshy industry of all—working tirelessly for sleazy toss-bags as a house model/receptionist. A house model/receptionist, for those who don’t know, is a glorified receptionist who models clothes at short notice for short, fat, cigar-totin’ buyers when they come in to select the garments they’ll buy for their retail stores. It’s a method designed to alleviate the expense of actually hiring a real model. There were a lot of real models around as well though, and all that time spent with the Dolce and Gabbana-clad glamazons—with their wash and wear designer hair; women who could wear a glossy, silk evening gown that rippled over their body like creamy meringue; fantastically elegant, effortlessly chic women who used their gorgeous bodies, lethal lashes, pouty lips and ‘oops, I’m falling out of my frock’ body language to transmit their unspoken message to the all-male hierarchy—was mind boggling to me. I didn’t know how to play the game and was totally bamboozled by the sexual politics of this uber-sophisticated world. The final straw came when my not so subtle 60-year-old boss tried to hit on me after work one night—it was all very flattering, NOT!— reaching out and grabbing me with one hand while he cradled the phone with the other during a conversation with—get this—his wife!!! I’d had my fill of fashion-world

Relationships_pages

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page 237

He’s not perfect but he’s perfect for you

237

fun so I got the hell out of dodgy town and with the support, encouragement and advice of my lovely new beau went back to do my HSC. I loved it. And I was really good at it. By the time I got to uni I was excelling and over the moon about my passionate new discovery for learning, in particular writing. But I could sense that this wasn’t sitting really well with him—he had assumed the role of brainiac early on. Although he had been right behind my success in the initial stages, it started to wind down after a while. Finally, it got to the point where he didn’t seem remotely interested in what I was doing. I’ll never forget the moment either. I was having trouble settling down to study for my Oz Lit exams which were just around the corner. Naturally, I hadn’t studied in advance so it was cram central. I remember ringing him one night, wanting to get some tips from The Master. He was quite brusque with me, telling me he was too busy to help because he was preparing for his own exams. Since I was in my first year with no uni experience and he was in his final year, I thought that was a bit harsh. It was evident that we’d drifted apart to the point of no return. The lesson I took from that relationship (somewhat naively) was that competitiveness and lack of support within a relationship was the norm. It was only when I had my first relationship as a properly formed adult, in my mid-twenties, that I began to understand that wasn’t the case at all.

. . . and the one after that? Enter Boyfriend No. 3. He bumped into me at a concert. His line was ‘you, me and a coupla beers’. He was tall, dark and chiselled, a picture of virile perfection in his Docs, ripped Levi’s and eternal black T-shirt that screamed rock ’n’ roll hero. We met during my Veronica Lake peek-a-boo hair

Relationships_pages

238

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page 238

Relationships That Rock!

phase. It seems in retrospect that the hairstyle set the tone for the relationship. Together we had the madness, the melodrama, the excitement and the excess. For a while it seemed like the most thrilling time I’d ever had, but when I look back at it now, the fun stuff isn’t what I remember—it’s the insidious. He talked me into moving in with him. Three months later I was gone, but it took me the best part of a year to get over it. The most vivid memory I have of the relationship is the first time I suspected he was lying about his feelings for another woman. I didn’t push it, but strange things kept occurring. I knew deep down that something was very wrong but I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt. We continued along on a strained journey of extreme, giddying highs, and mad, nauseating comedowns. It was lust, devotion and disappointment all rolled into one. It got to the point where I trusted my judgment enough to ask him about my suspicions, thinking I had nothing to lose and everything to gain by being honest about how I felt. His response started with a defensive, accusing, ‘You’re paranoid!’ and of course he denied everything. I let it go and we kept going on the swings and roundabouts until one day I busted him fair and square—oh yes, he was doing the dirty on me. I won’t go into the gory details but I am happy to say that I think I’ve come full circle now. For the first time in my life I’ve let someone all the way in on the relationship front and we have a solid foundation. Alanis Morissette Those three failed relationships are the reason I insist it’s so important to try something new and get away from what you

Relationships_pages

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page 239

He’s not perfect but he’s perfect for you

239

think your type is. I thought my type was the guy who could deliver on the thrills, the grand gestures and the melodrama. Now I know my type is the eternally resilient, softly spoken guy who’ll move heaven and earth to be there for me. A normal, mild-mannered 21st-century man who can present an impressive Hulk-style transformation if he needs to. The notion that we have to increase our tolerance threshold because we’re with someone who’s got the potential to really fuck us up is insane. We don’t have to increase our pain threshold. We have to run! For our lives! And for the lives of those around us, since they’re usually the ones who cop the flack when it’s all over.

True love equals . . . I’ve experienced the possessive, the controlling, the manipulating, the emotionally lazy, and I’ve celebrated my own Independence Day on many occasions. And you know what? I just want to be with a nice guy who can communicate! Someone I can trust. Take away everything else but please, leave me with someone who can and will talk to me about anything on any level. Give me a guy who calls a spade a spade, rings when he says he’s going to, is 100 per cent reliable, dependable, funny, sweet, interesting, brilliant and generous and I’ll show you my definition of True Love: best friends who blast off in the bedroom. In the past, the dark side of my relationships was built on fear, jealousy, paranoia, turmoil, anxiety and competitiveness. Now for the first time I find myself in one where the connection is about mutual admiration, respect and support. We’re there for each other. It’s that simple. We love each other’s company and beyond that there’s no agenda. Being together

Relationships_pages

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page 240

240

Relationships That Rock!

should be an opportunity, not an obligation. When the going gets tough, always remember this rule of thumb: the incredible days should outnumber the shitty ones.

Maintaining the relationship Work towards it. Make an effort. Living in a web of constant anxiety in the wrong relationship with the wrong person is simply not an option. Think about it in broader terms—when you start a new job, a course at TAFE or uni, you unconsciously factor in the dilemmas that you’ll encounter. It’s never an ultra-smooth ride, but somehow you manage to fumble through. That’s the exact approach I’m taking here. If you factor in some room for the tricky times, you’ll work through them more effectively because you know you’re going to come out at the other end together. Sure the attraction might start to dwindle after the high energy of the initial sexually charged burst has faded, but—and this is really important to remember—the warmth and the core of the relationship can always be maintained long after the flame has fizzled. If repeated issues threaten your domestic bliss, you could already be well ahead if you have a clue about how to solve them (yep, I’m thinking couple classes). At the end of the day, being ‘in love’ is not the same thing as ‘loving’ within the context of a long-term relationship. It does require both partners to be aware of certain things and be willing to fulfil the other’s needs. Over a period of time, the initial attraction and excitement of the early phase is slowly taken over by the frighteningly ordinary day-to-day-ness of life. If we get sick, for example, we’re provided with an instant insight into our partner’s capability when it comes to looking after us. Often this is the best indication of what’s in store down the track.

Relationships_pages

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page 241

He’s not perfect but he’s perfect for you

241

I remember a time when I’d been seeing a phwoarrr guy over a couple of months. He rang to invite me out during the worst case of food poisoning I’d ever had. I told him I was violently ill, alone, and asked him to bring over some Salada biscuits and soda water. He was so put out about it (apparently he had somewhere better to be) that when he arrived he literally threw the things in the cupboard, gave me a chaste kiss on the cheek and bolted out the door before I could even ask him to loosen the lid on the soda water (which I couldn’t open in my pathetic state). I should have seen the train crash that was coming right there and then. You know what they say, ‘whatever doesn’t kill yah will make you stronger’. Likewise, if things looked rosy during the ‘honeymoon’ period, but you’ve found out the guy has lied to you, you need to figure out what you’re going to do—confront him or let it slide under the radar. But I digress. Let’s get back to Lee who, I should add, is a devoted romantic who regards his relationship as the most meaningful thing in his life and he will absolutely work his heart out to make it succeed. His Big Picture theory helps put things into perspective. He tells me, for example, that when he and Suki are battling and bickering (something they do with alarming regularity) she might lose her temper and in a heated, hysterical moment scream, ‘We fight all the time. It’s NOT WORKING! Why don’t we just break up?!’ And he’ll take a deep breath and calmly but firmly reply, ‘We’ve fought twice this week. That’s about 5 per cent, maximum, of the time we’ve spent together. There are more good times than bad times. I know it and you know it. It’s normal to have these fights every now and again but the good times outweigh the bad.’ And really, what can she say? He’s warm but not soft. And his extraordinary resilience and ability to see reason

Relationships_pages

6/30/04

4:07 PM

242

Page 242

Relationships That Rock!

in every situation, combined with the patience of a saint, is what makes her, the hot-headed one, see things from his crystal-clear perspective.

Driving from the back seat If I ask Suki how she actually responds to Lee’s theory, she’ll tell me that this is the most emotionally honest relationship she’s ever known. And she’s also realistic about who she is. She knows she’s the girl with everything: looks, brains, success and personality but—and it’s a big but—she’s got the temper of a serial killer. And yes, she’s been banished from many a relationship with less able partners who didn’t have a clue how to handle her hellcat ways. She’s been given to tantrums so resplendent and so boldly unreasonable that no other guy has known what the hell to do when she started to shake, clench her fists, and set her teeth in her grinding rage. Yet Lee has won her heart and her commitment because of his consistent and continual insistence right from the start that they’re a team. Most importantly, he’s said it with bravado in his tone. And he’s repeated it so many times that she believes him. It’s that simple. It’s taken a lot of the tension out of the equation, not to mention the insecurity that drove her tantrums. Ultimately, she wants what he wants—a calm, loving union. If she can somehow strive to remember that ultimate goal throughout every fight, every obstacle, every drama and every problem, she’ll be far more likely to bounce back to sanity quickly. She adds that it’s a massive relief to not have the huge element of game-playing and anxiety that’s usually par for the course in a noxious relationship, and that the linchpin supporting their success so far is mutual respect. In order to get respect, you have to give respect—sometimes it’s just that easy.

Relationships_pages

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page 243

He’s not perfect but he’s perfect for you

243

I’ve learnt a lot from observing Lee and Suki as a couple— if you’ve got the vision right from the beginning and you’re with this person because you love them, and you’ve ticked all the right places on the ‘love compatibility test’, it’s much easier to see that, yes, the detail is insignificant. If you’ve both got a clear image in mind of where you want to go with the relationship, you’ll do whatever you need to get to that point. Skirmishes along the way will become mere splashes in a puddle—irritating, but never enough to steer you off course. I know there’s no such thing as the perfect relationship, but if you put in the effort, respect your partner, hold on to your independence, reward him for small things and revel in his company, you’re likely to come out of it with a genuine and loving union. First, though—stop and consider this for a moment. At what point do you feel the urge to figure out if He’s The One? More interestingly, at what point does he? And finally, how much pressure does that add to the already heady mix? I’ve asked Suki to give her response to the big question. Here are her thoughts: I don’t think I ever actually, consciously thought in terms of if he was The One. I find that sort of thinking a bit old fashioned. I was happy to take things on a day-to-day basis and judge it accordingly. I wouldn’t want to feel I had to ‘decide’ that he was the one, if you know what I mean, but I would hope that as time progressed and we got closer that it would be a natural feeling—which to me is much better than sitting down and scheming. If I felt the relationship was rampant with problems and stresses, I’d try to sort them out with him. If he wasn’t interested in

Relationships_pages

6/30/04

244

4:07 PM

Page 244

Relationships That Rock!

improving things, I’m not sure how I’d feel, but I would take it as a pretty discouraging sign. Or, if he said he wasn’t the commitment type and he was upfront about it right from the start, I’d be comfortable knowing where I stood but I don’t know that I’d necessarily break it off on that basis, I’d think I’d be more inclined (and curious) to see what was going to happen. At the same time, I’ve learnt my lesson about trying to change someone, and I don’t think it’s very healthy. In my case it’s never been successful!

So, in summary . . . If you go into a relationship with a sense of curiosity and optimism, you’re much more likely to treat it with the consideration it deserves than if you go charging in with all the loaded ‘he’s the one’ expectations. If you kick back and take it for granted that you’re going to be together for the rest of your life—you’re thinking like a simpleton. There won’t be any real challenge or growth as time goes by. I like things to develop at a nice, steady natural pace. Whether it’s a friendship or a romance, that means building and strengthening as you go. Even if you’re struggling with the Is He The One? issue early on, it doesn’t mean that your feelings won’t change down the track. Sometimes dramatically. I’m a big believer that chemistry can happen when you’re further along Love’s Highway—because of the presence of the admiration and respect that sometimes develops only after you really get to know someone. Early on in the piece there may be a nagging sense that’s less about the qualities of the person you’re with and more about the fact that you want to be with someone . . . er, anyone. If that’s the case,

Relationships_pages

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page 245

He’s not perfect but he’s perfect for you

245

relax. There’s always going to be internal confusion about this stuff. In fact, do you ever really know? If you feel that you’ve started to like yourself more within the relationship, and that you’re a better, happier person, hold on—because what you’re looking at is a solid basis for a deeply passionate, committed relationship. You’ve fallen in love with the person, not the fantasy.

Relationships_pages

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page 246

17

Monthly signposts So, you’re having a blast. You’re in love, in lust and life’s unreal—the best it’s ever been. You’ve been busy projecting your love fantasies onto this charmer who presumably embodies everything you’ve ever wanted. Most importantly— you’re 100 per cent certain that the feeling’s mutual. Hear, hear! Your skin’s glowing and your friends are dishing out the compliments. Even the guys who didn’t find you remotely interesting before have started swarming around. But how and when do you know if this sexy new relationship has legs? Have you already fast-forwarded to the future and the Happy Ever After of this new arrangement? Or are you a complete and utter pessimist wading through Loserville, wondering if this is all there is to love? And then there are the social problems—if you’re the kinda gal who has been whooping it up, your single years flying by in a blur of champagne-fuelled parties, you may be

Relationships_pages

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Monthly signposts

Page 247

247

facing a dilemma. Do you continue to party on solo or do you invite Your Significant Other? If parties have always represented a hive of flirting opportunities, and one part of you thinks you’d still quite fancy that, you need to sort out your social life. Is Foxy the type who’s going to go berserk if you suggest going to a party solo? Or do you worry he’s gonna cramp your style when it comes to going out with the girls and having fun? Have you explained that to him? Does he appreciate that for you this kind of social stuff can be an innocent but useful self-esteem booster? Do you decide in advance what you’re going to invite him to? And gently let him know if there’s something you’d prefer to do solo? Is that a reciprocal situation? It can seem awkward at first, but as time goes by you should be able to work out a party plan that is agreeable to both of you. In the wonderful world of relationships there are certain landmarks that signal the transition from one level to the next. The progress of these stages is how we go from black lacy bras and Chanel No. 5 to trackie daks and weekly rentals. It didn’t happen overnight, but it does happen, and famously, it happens in recognisable stages. Let’s map out the monthly signpost blocks to help show you the way.

The three-month itch There’s a school of thought out there in Relationship World that if you’ve made it to the three-month point you’d want to be pretty positive about your feelings—unless you’re still sitting on the sidelines, which is fair enough. At the very least, you’d want to know whether there were any intentions for this to ever go anywhere beyond the boudoir. The three-month signpost is traditionally the first significant relationship

Relationships_pages

248

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page 248

Relationships That Rock!

hurdle you’ll reach. It’s that point where the love-endorphins have started shutting down and the lust-goggles that have driven you along to this point start to blur. The frenzied sessions of breakfast-lunch-and-dinner laced with sex start to fizzle; the passion-palpitations plunder, the craziness starts crashing—the party’s winding down. As the cold hard light of day reasserts itself, this is the time when you’re forced to examine your potentially long-term partner through the unforgiving eyes of reality. The three-month signpost can thus often signal a fork in the road. But beware—at this point there’s a danger of making assumptions about where it’s going, especially if he goes into his cave whenever you bring it up. How do you handle that and all the other things that can go wrong along the way? Let’s look at some specific examples.

Problem 1 You clash over money—he’s careful with his money and you love to shower everyone you know with drinks and gifts. Survival rate: 80% If you can sit down and work out budgets where you’re each responsible for your own spending, it shouldn’t be a problem— for now, that is. What you have to pay attention to is how much it will impact in the future if there comes a time where you join your finances. Beware, though, if money issues continue to bug you, you could be in for a problem in the long term.

Problem 2 He’s a meat-loving junk-foodie and you’re a hardcore vegaquarian; he wants meat and fries on the table every night, you can’t stomach the sight.

Relationships_pages

6/30/04

Monthly signposts

4:07 PM

Page 249

249

Survival rate: 30% Unless one of you changes your eating habits, this is a biggie —if the food he eats is aesthetically and ideologically displeasing to you it could start to spread across other issues in the future—how much money he spends on food you abhor, who prepares it, cooks it and cleans up the mess.

Problem 3 His friends are loyal and adore him. The only problem is there are fundamental age/race/religion/philosophy differences between you and them; you can’t see yourself ever being part of the gang. Survival rate: 75% Together you and his friends might successfully shift and merge your points of difference to reach some common ground. The truth is, you don’t have to live out of their pockets and he’s entitled to spend time with them without you around, but let’s face it, things are easier when you all get along. Try to project forward to the future and imagine how flexible you can be to help make this happen.

Problem 4 His parents won’t have a bar of you on religious/racial/ philosophical or personal grounds. Survival rate: 50% This one can go either way. Ultimately, it depends on how much weight he places on his family’s opinions, and how close they are. If he’s not terribly close, and it doesn’t faze him, there’s really no reason it should faze you. If the worst

Relationships_pages

250

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page 250

Relationships That Rock!

case scenario is that you have to visit your in-laws once a fortnight, I’d be asking myself is that such a bad thing? On the other hand, if he’s a bit of a mommy’s boy and he’s influenced by their decision and their issues with you, he’s probably not worth worrying about long term, is he?

Problem 5 He is completely useless around the house. He’s 29 and still living at home! Mum does everything for him. He has no clue how to use a washing machine, cook up a meal of pasta, tidy up after himself or iron a shirt—yet he’s suggested moving in with you. Survival rate: 75% All will be fine—if and only if he goes out into the real world before he gets anywhere near moving in with you, and spends at least three months learning to become housetrained. You will consider living with him when he can prove that he is 100 per cent domesticated and can look after himself without you having to run around and fuss over him like his mum did.

Problem 6 You like him, you admire and respect him, but sometimes the guy just bores you senseless. It’s not so much what he does or doesn’t do, it’s more that his energy levels don’t always match yours and you’re the perennial hyper-machine. Survival rate: 90% It takes a fair whack of time to match body clocks and energy levels. Often if you give it time you’ll find that it’s not that he’s boring, it’s more that he’s up when you’re down, and vice versa. Once you get to know each other better and spend

Relationships_pages

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page 251

Monthly signposts

251

more time together you’ll become aware of each others biorhythms and more receptive to them. Alternatively, if he really doesn’t have any energy or dynamism, and he is plain boring, that’s something you’ll be sure of down the track. If a few months go by and there is no change, you’d be in a pretty good position to make a decision about whether or not you’re actually compatible in the long term.

Problem 7 He drinks like a fish, you can’t stand alcohol. Survival rate: 25% Hmmm, this is tricky. It’s a well-known fact that Aussie blokes love their beer and if you’re a non-drinker I wouldn’t blame you for feeling you are with the wrong person, even if everything else feels right! This is one of those situations you really do have to look into your crystal ball for—try to imagine how your social life will pan out in the long run. Will it be a series of nights spent at the pub because that’s where Boozie’s most comfortable? Or will he go off on his own to drink, leaving you at home three or four nights a week? If he’s drinking at home alone, what sort of example does that set to kids if you consider having them one day? Especially if you’re a non-drinker? This relationship would have legs if he’d consider giving up or cutting way down on drinking, but if not, I’d say you’d be in for too many barneys down the track.

Problem 8 He’s been all over you like a rash, wanting to spend every available day and night with you—then suddenly without warning, he cools off and backs into his cave.

Relationships_pages

252

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page 252

Relationships That Rock!

Survival rate: 85% Here’s the thing: guys do this—it’s apparently part of being male. If they didn’t run scared when they found themselves in a committed relationship we’d probably think there was something wrong with them. The result of what happens when he goes into his cave depends almost entirely on how you handle it. If you freak out, chances are you’ll freak him out even more. At this point it’s up to you to stay calm and give him the space he needs. Haven’t you read Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus?—men are like rubber bands and they spring back of their own accord. Whatever—the simple solution is, don’t fuss about him, don’t drag him out to ‘talk’ with a certain sheepishness. Just go about your own business and watch him come back when you’re busy doing your own thing.

Problem 9 The sex started off slowly, which you put down to brewer’s droop after a big night out, but three months down the track things haven’t improved. The chemistry’s there but there’s just no action at all. Survival rate: 50% You can attempt to work through this by gently addressing the problem and see whether that gets a response. If it doesn’t, it’s time to sit down and have a talk about getting professional help—never an easy one, but if he’s having impotence problems now, it is most certainly going to impact on your future. If the problem ain’t technical but merely chemical (i.e. there ain’t no chemistry and what should be sizzling is actually lukewarm and clammy), then I’d be seriously concerned— there’s not a lot you can do to increase sexual chemistry.

Relationships_pages

6/30/04

Monthly signposts

4:07 PM

Page 253

253

You can try issuing sexual instructions like a drill sergeant, but chances are this will only create tension.

Problem 10 He’s still having cosy one-on-one home-cooked dinners with his (extremely attractive) best gal pal. You don’t want to come across all possessive and jealous but you’d like to be included. Survival rate: 75% You may find that it hasn’t even entered his head that this kind of thing could be upsetting you. Sometimes we have to literally spell out the guidelines early in a relationship. It’s time to sit down and have the ‘let’s establish some rules’ talk, in which you can express your discomfort and suggest that you come along and make it a cosy threesome in the future.

Problem 11 He’s a hedonistic underachiever and you’re a diligent overachiever. You probably wonder how you got together in the first place. He lacks ambition, working in a job that means nothing to him. You on the other hand are a flaming star, burning bright in a career-powered phase. Even though you adore him you wonder how it’s going to pan out in the future when you’re obsessing about your career and he’s obsessing over the next party. He’s told you right from the beginning that he’s priorities in life are: 1) love, 2) happiness, 3) friends and family, 4) money, 5) career. While yours are 1) career, 2) money, 3) friends and family, 4) social life, 5) happiness. Survival rate: 100% You need someone to restore balance to your life, otherwise you’re going to turn into a walking, talking bore. Money and

Relationships_pages

254

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page 254

Relationships That Rock!

success aren’t everything. This guy can get you back on an even keel, remind you of the meaningful things in life, the real things that make it worth living.

Problem 12 You seem to be squabbling an awful lot for a couple who are still in the honeymoon period. The fights are generally about small, nitpicky things—he smokes, you hate it; you love spicy food, he hates it—that kind of thing. Survival rate: 75% Sit down and work through your irritations. Figure out if they’re surmountable or if both of you are prepared to compromise. Often the strongest relationships have the weakest beginnings. That’s because this is when the first sign of trouble emerges. If you can act on it when it happens you’ll be building a secure base for a strong relationship.

Problem 13 He seems to have neediness issues—when he’s not with you he’s phoning you, emailing you or SMS-ing you. You’re used to being an independent girl and this sort of dependence is slowly driving you bonkers. (I’m not talking here about the kind of jealous possessiveness that can lead to stalking— that’s a whole other ballgame.) Survival rate: 75% This is probably nervous energy which tends to emerge in all sorts of weird and wonderful ways when people find themselves in squelchy new romantic situations. He’s in love and excited by the prospect of being in a proper relationship—

Relationships_pages

6/30/04

Monthly signposts

4:07 PM

Page 255

255

don’t take it too much to heart, just define the boundaries, be clear about what’s ‘me time’ and ‘we time’. When you say you’re going to do your thing for the evening, don’t then confuse him by calling, or dropping over unexpectedly. Set the precedent that when each of you is doing your thing there doesn’t need to be a neurotic level of interaction—it’s obviously a change of pace for him—he may have functioned this way in another relationship. But don’t let it scare you away— you can get him used to the idea of having separate space. Once he gets used to it, he’ll probably start to love it.

Problem 14 Maybe it’s you who hasn’t let your guard down by the end of three months. Here’s how to tell (and this applies to both sides of the equation). A

A A

A

A

You’ve steadfastly refused to meet any of your partner’s friends or family. You haven’t told him your age. You haven’t introduced him to any of your close friends or family. You won’t invite him to that huge social gathering that everyone you’ve ever known will be at. You don’t acknowledge him affectionately in public.

Sasha had a dreadful experience with the same sleazy guy you had the misfortune to meet in Chapter 12—you know, the one who betrayed her with his ‘close friend’ Rachel. As it turned out that wasn’t all he did. During the six months they were together John never once allowed her to meet his parents or any of his family. He even went so far as to tell her

Relationships_pages

256

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page 256

Relationships That Rock!

that he’d told them she was nothing more than a friend. While Sasha can see in retrospect that she should have wised up there and then, she didn’t. She gave him the benefit of the doubt on the basis that some people were naturally secretive towards their parents and it didn’t necessarily reflect badly on her. It was a while later, when they were nearing their sixmonth point, that he confessed he was planning, and had in fact already made arrangements, to move in with a female friend—not anyone that Sasha knew, by the way. When Sasha expressed surprise and disappointment that he hadn’t told her about this in advance, he stormed off in a huff saying she didn’t own him and he had the right to make decisions without consulting her. Following a very confusing and turbulent few weeks Sasha made a vow to break off with him in every sense of the word. She didn’t know who he was anymore. She didn’t want to be with someone who felt the need to remain so distant, so secretive and so detached and she certainly didn’t want to continue being his friend. Let’s get on to the more general issues of the three-month signpost. You realise you’ve arrived at a state of blissful contentment and voilà—the bonding process begins. You also, however, feel a slight coming-down sensation. You wonder where the giddiness and the butterflies have gone. Your appetite, which had apparently disappeared, returns, with a vengeance. You don’t worry if your tum’s slightly bloated when you wake up in the morning. You might even stop backing your slightly wobbly but very hip JLo-esque butt out of the bedroom and become less paranoid about taking those very long and rather unlady-like trips to his bathroom.

Relationships_pages

6/30/04

Monthly signposts

4:07 PM

Page 257

257

You gradually lose the urge to spend every waking moment in bed together and become capable of actually dragging yourself away. Instead of spending Sunday languishing in bed all day, you’re keen to round up the girls for a yum-cha brunch. Who? The girls? Remember them? The same ones you’ve possibly been neglecting over the past few months. There may also be a feeling that’s reminiscent of homesickness, where you start to crave elements of your own life back. This is the time for a reality check. If you’ve been falling tragically behind with work or other personal stuff, now is the time to get sorted. Pronto! It’s hard to be diligent in every single monotonous area of your life when you’re caught up in the giddy whirl of a new relationship—but it is possible to get back on track once you’ve made it over the three-month hurdle. It’s also the time to stop and take serious stock of this new relationship. Back to Planet Earth. Be honest with yourself— now that the flush of new love and new intimacy has ebbed, does this relationship have the staying power you’re looking for? Is there a solid friendship beneath the sexually charged forays that have seen you on cloud nine for the past twelve weeks? Is there enough authentic compatibility to grow into each other’s worlds on a long-term basis? If the answer to all of these questions is an enthusiastic YES!, then it’s onwards and upwards. If you’re ummming and aahing though, a serious rethink is in order. But it can also be that you wake up on the last morning of the third month wondering What the . . . ? and How the . . . ? The ways in which relationships can crumble after the initial whirlwind are endless. It can happen insidiously, with doubts creeping in like choker vines around the beautiful lurve-plant

Relationships_pages

258

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page 258

Relationships That Rock!

you’ve been nurturing. Or it can hit you out of the blue, the bubble bursting right in your face as you gaze at the snoring man-pig lying next to you. Or it could be him who loses that lovin’ feeling. There’s a sudden coolness in his voice and he starts to cut the morning snuggles short. He stops calling when he says he will. So yes, it’s good to be prepared since things can and do go off track after the initial loved-up period. Face the facts, no matter how ugly they are. But remember, in attempting to keep it lively you could be forcing things and ultimately causing a negative effect. If the fear of rejection is keeping you in this heady love space—it’s time to find the exit door. Fast! The worst possible thing you can do is choose to ignore the problems and plough on regardless. My friend Renee tends to be seduced by the trickery of the three-month lust-period more completely than any other human I’ve known. She literally disappears off the face of the earth, doesn’t return phone calls, and then resurfaces exactly three months later—casual as can be. She acts as if she’s just been on an extended date and is back to give the lowdown— only to spout tales of psycho hit-men and threesomes gone wrong. Problem is, her reckless lust-fests often result in long-term decisions which she lives to regret—bitterly. Her most recent dalliance went like this. She came over one night and told me about a DJ she’d met at a party the weekend before. She wasn’t sure he was right for her—a wild partyboy, big on drugs, and quote, ‘someone you wouldn’t want to get on the bad side of ’. Despite my furrowed brow and stern ‘Why are you dating him then?’, off she went, and returned the following week with an even more eyebrow-raising tale of a rampant drugbinge followed by two sick-days in bed. After that, poof! She

Relationships_pages

6/30/04

Monthly signposts

4:07 PM

Page 259

259

was gone. Vanished. Two months later she arrived sheepishly at one of our regular girls’ nights and confessed that she’d moved in with him. Needless to say, we didn’t hear from her again while she nestled deeper and deeper into the bed she’d made for herself. Until she appeared approximately, ohh, a year later. And what a story she had to tell. Once the goggles had come off, she’d found her life almost inextricably entwined with a man who was a jealous control freak with a major personality disorder. The problem was she felt compelled to make a go of it, since she’d come this far. It took her approximately nine months to drag herself, bruised and short of pocket, from the wreckage that this three-month love-tornado had reaped on her life. You have been warned!

Six months . . . The six-month signpost is an interesting and sometimes terrifying one. It suggests that things could be becoming a tad serious. Especially if you’ve been spending more and more time together and you’re completely relaxed about the impending commitment. Welcome to the Adjustment Period—you’ve had those post-coital months to bond and you’ve beamingly established that, hey, it’s not just about the sex! It’s so much more: you actually like each other rather than just lust after each other. Fancy that. What could possibly go wrong? If he’s the stay-at-home type and you’re not, make it clear right from the word go that you’ll need to continue your party life on some level. It might only be once every couple of weeks that you meet up with the old gang, have a few drinks, and kick up your heels. There’s no harm in that, and anyone who says it’s out of line going out without your partner is

Relationships_pages

260

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page 260

Relationships That Rock!

living in another age! We have every right to continue living our old lives without our partner along if they’re not going to enjoy it. It’s all about trust—if you have it you’ll be fine. If you don’t, staying in and behaving the way he expects you to isn’t going to change it. Inevitably, the six-month signpost will herald yet another fork in the road.

Scenario 1 You’re both clear about one thing—you want to spend more time together. You spend hours talking about stuff and keeping each other updated with your daily goings-on; you remember the name of each other’s colleagues and pets. You’ve earnestly developed an active interest in each other’s family and friends, most of whom you’ve probably met by now and who you think you can have a long-term connection with. You’ve manoeuvred a battlefield of potentially explosive love-mines and cultural clashes but somehow you’ve survived. If you were paranoid that things were going to be sabotaged by baggage or a billion and one different possibilities—you should be feeling comfortable now. Cheers! You’re both refreshingly clear about one thing—you want to spend more time together now that you know what exciting possibilities the future holds.

Scenario 2 On the not-so-good side, things might be taking a downwards spiral in their development. Maybe you’ve stumbled across issues you hadn’t recognised before. You’ve had your taste of the introductory arguments and, well, they weren’t pretty. Nor were they resolved in a way you’re entirely happy with. Perhaps you’ve found yourself moaning to friends that

Relationships_pages

6/30/04

Monthly signposts

4:07 PM

Page 261

261

you’re actually finding the familiarity, while nice and comforting, is becoming a bit . . . ahem, yawnarama. You might have found the sizzle began to fizzle when even the merest hint of day-to-day drudgery started floating to the surface. It’s the routine of it all—you come home from work at night, you’re too pooped to pop, you sit down for a civilised dinner, watch a bit of telly and you’re both in bed with lights out by 9.30. Woo-hoo. If this describes you, it’s time to conjure up either an injection of lunacy, taken from the heady days of dating, drinking and dancing, or use your imagination to spice things up. Bottom line, you need to figure out exactly what’s at the core of this problem. And don’t kid yourself that it’ll go away by itself, it won’t. Backtrack to the compatibility tests to find out exactly what the heck’s going on here.

Nine months . . . By now you will have established who has the role of the relationship caretaker—there’s usually a nurturer and a nurtured. Figure out which role you’ve adopted and whether it’s the role that suits you. If you’ve been a tight duo it’s likely that by now you would have contemplated a cosy future together. Or at the very least you would have an idea about whether your lives add up to the whole love-enchilada. If you’re somewhere between love-struck and chronically normal you’ll probably find the nine-month signpost is when you’ll flirt with your attitudes towards the Big M Issues: Moving In Together or Mmmmarriage. There’s a lot to weigh up.

Scenario 1 On one hand you might be thinking, Sure I’m crazy about you—but I can’t stand the way you act around your blokey

Relationships_pages

262

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page 262

Relationships That Rock!

friends, your dumbass colleagues or the fact that you’re in a dead-end job. On the other, you may adore his family, his pets, his house and your life together, but you find him a bit of a dullard. You’re kind of happy and kind of frustrated and disappointed all at the same time. Sometimes when we find ourselves mildly dissatisfied within a relationship we react by unconsciously trying to sabotage it. You’ll know you’re doing this if your partner is frustrated out of his brain and accuses you of trying to ‘push him away’. Or maybe you’ve gone the no-holds-barred approach and are on a mission to nag him to death. You’re saying things to him you wouldn’t say to your worst enemy, and picking, pushing and chipping away at him like the fishwifefrom-hell you swore you’d never be. This is often the big trial— the test to determine if you’re really serious about wanting out, and whether your partner’s got what it takes to make you stay. You might even experience a day, a week, or even months, where you tell yourself you’ve got this whole damn thing all wrong. It could seem you were psychotically punchdrunk about your compatibility and your future potential. Again, it’s time to pull out your pen and paper and do some serious thinking. And think about this very seriously, because you may have to admit that deep down, you’re just not that crazy about him. Perhaps these are your own issues coming into play. My friend Amanda loves her boyfriend Dave deeply and wholeheartedly. They’ve been together for two and a half years now, but for a while there they were careering down Skid Row. She was annoyed at everything about him—his open-hand attitude to his wealthy dad’s money, his ‘scattiness’, his goofy boyishness. So she started nagging him. Every time I saw them together it was a teeth-grinding affair

Relationships_pages

6/30/04

Monthly signposts

4:07 PM

Page 263

263

because she was constantly reprimanding him, putting him down, correcting him, chiding him, picking and prodding. Eventually, he blew a gasket and broke up with her. She had given him no choice by making his life an ongoing case of root-canal therapy. She, on the other hand, was heartbroken, and forced to stop and look at her behaviour. With some soul-searching she realised it was her issues—her resentment of his dad’s affluence, her own unhappiness with her career and general life direction—that were causing her to drive him away. The thing was that Dave did, in fact, embody all the values, attitudes and aspirations she cherished most in a potential partner. And so she set about consciously changing her behaviour, cut him some slack, and off they went.

Scenario 2 So everything seems right on track when it comes to building the romance of the century. You’re all loved-up but . . . this is a time where even the most love savvy can experience doubt and enter the nine-month itch. You may think you’ve discovered the ultimate contentment in love but you can still find yourself becoming restless. You have to understand that it is near impossible to keep the fireworks blazing the whole time. And without them it’s normal to start questioning whether you are in the right place with the right guy. For some of us this can be the time an infidelity occurs—a reactive action, driven by fear—fear of the seriousness of the commitment. A combination of factors will determine whether or not you get through this. A friendly word of warning though— the worst thing you can do during this time is splash around the micro-details of your relationship woes with your friends or family. It’s going to be hard for them to be objective when

Relationships_pages

6/30/04

264

4:07 PM

Page 264

Relationships That Rock!

they’re only hearing one side—yours! It doesn’t help if they’re nodding wildly in agreement—they’re doing that because you’ve created such a strong argument to convince them—naturally they only hear your side. And you can bet that they’ll never, ever forget your partner’s bad points and they’ll bring them up some time in the future, or whenever you have a problem! The better option is to seek out an objective opinion—either a professional or an uninvolved acquaintance whose point of view you trust and respect. Alternatively—read! There are a billion books and magazine articles that cater for these exact dilemmas, complete with psychological exercises which can help you sort out your thoughts enormously. But I digress. Whatever you do, don’t ignore your relationship fears —respect them, acknowledge them, and learn about them— you owe it to your partner, your future and most of all yourself.

Twelve months . . . So you’ve arrived at the twelve-month point! Well, well, well! Drum Roll puh-leeze. Have you celebrated the monthly anniversary at the stroke of midnight with a goblet of sacramental wine? I’m hoping you each think the other is pretty cool if you’ve managed to stay together this long. Sadly though there’s just no saying in what state you’ve arrived at this watershed. Is the relationship a functioning, healthy, longterm investment? Or is it coasting on momentum alone, soon to spiral into a nasty free fall? Are you together about your visions of the Big Picture, or quietly plotting a fast escape?

Scenario 1: On track By now you’ve discussed the Big Stuff—no matter how casually it may have come up. And you’re both aware that

Relationships_pages

6/30/04

Monthly signposts

4:07 PM

Page 265

265

together you’re driving this vehicle to a common goal. If you haven’t discussed the future by now—you may want to ask yourself why. Unless you’re happy to cruise along aimlessly you’d want to be in some shared agreement about where things are headed. Keep in mind that it’s not necessarily a big deal if one of you is feeling more this way than the other at this point. It could simply be due to a temporary imbalance when it comes to the long-term goals of this partnership, which according to the experts is pretty typical. One of you is leading, while the other is happily following. The point is you’re deepening the commitment and joining together on a multitude of levels. You’re letting go of an identity, shifting the single you to the coupled you. The We versus the I. You’ve reached the crossroads about where to go from here. After all, twelve months is a pretty significant investment—it’s a year out of your life—so it’s not unusual to be thinking about intentions and considering the big issues when it comes to the best way forward. What’s the bet you will also have been through Trying Times by now? A good thing too, because you should never underestimate how important they are. They give you the chance to see how the other reacts to your strengths and weaknesses. And most importantly, they sharpen up your conflict resolution skills. Fast-forward to two or three years time—I’m thinking screaming kids and spaghettied walls— you’re gonna need them! You’ve probably learnt a lot about yourself as well, about how you handle yourself in relationships and the fact that while you’re IN this relationship you’re happier, more productive and more balanced—generally an all-round improvement on your former self.

Relationships_pages

6/30/04

4:07 PM

266

Page 266

Relationships That Rock!

Scenario 2: Off track On the other hand, you may have reached this signpost only to find yourself tortured by questions and doubts. The ‘is he The One?’ question is haunting you with persistent irony and you’re finding yourself drumming up explanations for why you’re lacking confidence on this front: Am I impossible to satisfy? Do I just have to accept no one’s perfect and run with what I’ve got? Appreciate what he IS and stop thinking about what he’s NOT. It’s an internal struggle that doesn’t always seem to have a clear outcome. I know of couples who’ve been on the verge of marriage and called it off at the eleventh hour because of a nagging sense that something wasn’t quite right. In the end, the success of a relationship is not just about the analyses— it’s about what you feel and what you believe. It may be less about your partner and more about what you want. It could be that you actually like yourself better outside the relationship—where you think you’re a better person. Just remember, you always have the right to change your mind. Don’t think of it as a failure—it’s not. It takes amazing courage to walk away from these situations. Especially if you or, worse still, your friends and family have already fast-forwarded to The Future. That’s a time for some serious reflection if ever there was one. How well do you really know this person? Think of all the miserable couples you’ve ever known and be completely honest with yourself and your gut feeling about where things are at.

Twelve months and beyond You’ll know you’ve got a keeper if you’re capable of thinking about your ten-year anniversary. Stop and try this for a

Relationships_pages

6/30/04

Monthly signposts

4:07 PM

Page 267

267

moment. Can you see it? Feel it? Taste it? Author of the Big Questions, Susan Piver, a self-confessed ‘Bridezilla’, says, ‘Sure you know the little things, but what about the big things?’ Her philosophy is that while there may be a sense that it’s unromantic to ask the Big Questions, it’s better than clinging to a fantasy. A real romance arises when you achieve real intimacy. Intimacy is formed from communication and knowledge. Who will do the cleaning? The shopping? Will you have children? When? How many? Who’s going to bring them up? Who’s going to be the major breadwinner? Whose job is more important? Where will the money go? Will you share joint accounts? What does he do with his money? The real closeness that arises from emotional education is far more satisfying and sexy than the false romance where the Big Questions are left rotting under the carpet. This is the time the ‘kids issue’ will probably crop up and whatever the two of you do or don’t decide on, always remember in time either of your views might change. Sometimes we take our cues from what everyone else does and what we’re expected to do. This is the time to do a ‘what most people do’ reality check and reassess that the direction you’re heading in suits you—not Great Aunt Madge. If you’ve made it to this point, congratulations! You’ve come a long way, from singledom to smug couple. There is so much to celebrate! Particularly if it’s your first long relationship for a while. Personally (and this is just between you and me), I must admit I’m feeling quietly stunned about having just reached the two-and-a-half-year point of my relationship. The most surprising thing, I’d have to say, is it’s the best it’s been so far. I think we’ve hit our stride in terms of both bliss and acceptance. I say ‘acceptance’ because that’s been the

Relationships_pages

268

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page 268

Relationships That Rock!

toughie for me. I’ve glided along enjoying my relationship very, very much but it’s only been in the past few months that I’ve consciously embraced it as a long-term option. Which is not to say that I didn’t earlier, more that I just didn’t think about it all that much. I was always too busy doing my own thing. Right now though, I can honestly say it’s the best place for me to be. Not to mention that it’s deeply satisfying to have reached a point where you can sloth around in your bare face and PJs and still have someone think you’re adorable! I think part of our success has come from the work that’s gone into the relationship. We’re both incredibly focused on making each other happy and ultimately we both want the same thing. And hey, it may not be perfect and it may require a lot of work, but don’t all good things? Hang in there if you know you’ve found that special someone ’cos they don’t come along twice.

Tips on maintaining a great relationship A

Have loads of sex, all the time. As often as you can manage. Banish excuses and (unless you really don’t feel like it) go for it. Even if it’s just a quickie it’ll start or finish the day with a positive affirmation for both of you.

A

Be nice to each other. Politeness, compliments, affection, praise and positive reinforcement go a long way.

A

Support each other, take an interest in his daily interactions, know the names of his work colleagues, friends and family, and ask about them.

Relationships_pages

6/30/04

Monthly signposts

4:07 PM

Page 269

269

A

Put your partner first when it comes to your special time together. If it’s an anniversary or a birthday, make it a special romantic occasion—don’t ever take things for granted.

A

Surprise him with an evening out or a weekend away. It will act as a real refresher and ensure you get the good treatment back (not that that’s an incentive to do it).

A

Support your partner in all his endeavours, whether it’s growing vegetables or learning an instrument. Everyone needs encouragement and as adults we often have only our partners to get it from.

A

Enjoy your social lives together. Have those special dinners, walks, picnics and lunches. Just because you’ve been going out for a while doesn’t mean the good times should stop. Being out of the house is conducive to good stimulating conversation. Why sit at home arguing about what to watch on TV when you can be out and about?

A

Make an effort. Even when you really can’t be bothered. That tiny investment of extra time you make when you go out, whether it’s to put on his favourite perfume, shoes or dress, is going to make all the difference to the way you both feel when you walk out the door. If he’s not making an effort you might need to give him a gentle nudge.

Relationships_pages

270

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page 270

Relationships That Rock!

A

Make the normal things seem special. Watching a DVD or video is always going to be more memorable with dim lights, a bottle of wine and some nibblies. Indulge when you can to make up for the times when one or both of you are stressed and it’s just business as usual.

A

Remember the good times and replay them as often as you can. Keep doing whatever it was that brought you together—you won’t forget what you adore about each other when you’re recreating the magic of the early courting days.

YOUR CHALLENGE Right, to clear your head and be sure about what you’re doing, you need to spend some quality time with No. 1—that’s you, honey child. Plan to enjoy your own charming company on at least two separate occasions in the coming week. Put some effort into planning your time out and turn it into a real event. Go on, you know you can! Whether it’s a luxuriously quiet night in with a heavenly candlelit bubble bath and a good book, or a trip to an exhibition or a movie—make a vow to pamper yourself. Try a Spa Adventure. And give yourself over to the most indulgent treatment you can find to feed your body—and think beautiful thoughts while you’re being pummelled, pampered, kneaded, scrubbed and polished. Check out the Internet to find the most outrageous and affordable offer—the one that will make your beauty treatment memorable and dripping in luxury. Here we go, Madam, your choice of Sushi At The Spa, Martinis With Your Manicure, Breakfast And A Blow-Dry. Secondly, I’d like you

Relationships_pages

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Monthly signposts

Page 271

271

to practise brushing up on your self-reliance through curbing your neediness and being your own best friend—that means having the courage to take a couple of nights out and entertain yourself without any outside help. Thirdly, do something to surprise yourself and to prove that you can stand on your own two feet. You might want to try being actively more assertive, initiating a conversation with a stranger—someone you find mildly attractive or interesting—or renewing an old friendship that has lapsed. Ultimately, the emphasis is on you and how you’re connecting with yourself. It’s all very well to connect with the hot new man in your life, but if you’ve lost your rapport with yourself, you’re gonna wake up one day in the next year or the next five, and wonder where the hell the ‘real’ you disappeared to.

Part V in a nutshell A

The kind of partner you attract depends very much on what you put out there. Think hard about the kind of person you want to invest your time in before you plunge headlong into anything.

A

You can’t avoid relationship landmines altogether, but you can work through them more efficiently—if you see them coming that is.

A

You’ll succeed in this relationship if you both put in the work and if you both want it to happen deep in your heart of hearts.

Relationships_pages

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page 272

18

Putting it all together My boyfriend is so wonderful it scares me. My days are mixtures of the giddiness, the confusion and the terror and the tedium of being in love. It’s not bliss but it sure is lively. Is it worth it? What’s the worst that can happen? The worst is I will lose him. Well okay. I can and have lived alone, and it’s heaven. A man is not a Holy Grail. And you never know what’s going to happend next, do you? Cynthia Heimel, Advanced Sex Tips for Girls Part and parcel of the Modern Mzzz’s life is to be a super sleuth when it comes to spotting and identifying the chief characteristics that make up a meaningful relationship—the ones that stop you in your tracks. There are those that will benefit and enrich you, and those that are capable of destroying you. Since there is no way of flushing the bad incidents from your past down the toilet, I trust you’ve come to terms with embracing them.

Relationships_pages

6/30/04

Putting it all together

4:07 PM

Page 273

273

Hopefully by now you will have set your romantic boundaries to give you a clear idea of those you should encourage, and those you should throw the ‘in your dreams, Slugger’ line. Romance is far from an exact science and you should never perceive it as such. The subtlety of attraction is imprecise, impenetrable and imperfect. There are no guarantees in love but as you’ve seen if you’ve read this far, there’s a gazillion guidelines that can help make it a less torturous affair. So for heaven’s sake keep practising your positive mantras— you’re a gorgeous woman lookin’ for a good man and a lovin’ relationship. Think passion-assassin meets super-girl strategist who attracts cool new opposite-sex friends and ultimately seduces a soul mate. In your past life you may have been a man-hungry maiden trying to revive a dead-duck love life by indulging in an addiction to dangerous or dopey men—but now you realise that thrashing around in a flawed, destructive relationship does not result in the best time of your life! Those days are long gone. And if you even think about going back there—you’re gonna have some ’splainin’ to do. Take a pen and write down today’s date, because from this day forward you’ll be sauntering into your new life armed with your newfound romantic sensibilities. You’re on your way to a new love-mission, so strap yourself in, hold on tight and get ready to spice things up with Random Hot Guys. Great relationships and amazing partners are mind-blowing precisely because they can take quite a bit of work and persistence to unearth. If you keep your emotional smarts on and pay close attention to your bullshit meter you’ll get there—but be patient; it’s not a race, your priority is quality control and, hey, you can afford to be fussy.

Relationships_pages

6/30/04

274

4:07 PM

Page 274

Relationships That Rock!

You do have to crunch through the numbers and dabble in some binge dating to get to where you want to be—that’s part of the challenge. Don’t think you can get away without putting the work in. You can’t, it’s like anything, you need to get out there and get among it. Whooshing out of your comfort zone and putting a rocket up your social life is what fuels your momentum and puts you in a shining mindset. Live up to your romantic potential. Step out into the world, meet it head on. Risk pain and turn your beliefs upside down. Don’t ever forget, the most powerful word in the English language is ‘yes’. On that note, my work here is done. Thanks for hearing me out and giving me your time. I applaud your motivation and initiative—you’ve picked up this book and, you know what, that makes you the hottest romantic property on the planet. I feel incredibly positive about you and your situation, especially since there are more singles floating around the globe than ever before; the Potential Pool is alive and kicking right now—let’s not hit ourselves over the head with crappy love-choices anymore. Don’t stop and think about your approach too much, just get out there armed with your biggest smile and the time of your life.

. . . and finally I’ll tell you a little story before I sign off, about an amazing experience I had during Christmas 2002. I was staying with my parents in Queensland in a beautiful, sleepy seaside village and using the break as a chance to relax, get fit and detox. Anyway, I befriended a German guy on New Year’s Eve who changed my life. Don’t ask me how. What I remember most about him was his zest for life, which he infused into me

Relationships_pages

6/30/04

Putting it all together

4:07 PM

Page 275

275

with a magic love-potion that I brought back from my holiday. Somehow he flicked my on-switch and I woke from my romantic slumber and came to life. When I got back to Sydney I’d never felt more frisky, exhilarated and certain that this was going to be the best year ever. I realised that there were literally tens of thousands of hot single men swarming around. And you know what—I decided there wasn’t a second to waste, so I got my ass out there and I’ve never looked back. Romantically speaking—as you already know—it was a very special time. I don’t believe it was a coincidence either, it was just my time. I’ve had the lonely times, the hard times, the good times and the shit times. I’ve worked hard in my career; I’ve tried to be a good friend, daughter, sister, colleague and girlfriend. I’ve had my heart ripped out and, you know what, I’ve lived to tell the tale. Every day I remind myself of how lucky I am. So should you. Success, coincidence, luck—they’re all from the same gene pool aren’t they? Put your most positive foot out there every time you leave the house, flirt with the bank manager, the baker and the barman, and be a good finder—find good in all situations. The best times are ahead of you. You just have to believe it. Live it and breathe it. You’re a sensational woman and you’re living in extraordinary times. Mary met her prince in a Sydney bar and there’s no reason you can’t either! You’ve no doubt suffered significant losses to your dignity and screwed up now and again, but, hey, it can be tricky out there—you’ll be fine if you approach it with a sense of humour, defiance, boldness and, as always, imagination. I’ll be supporting you and smiling over you every step of the way. Let’s make a deal—you throw everything you’ve got into being Action Woman and I’ll look forward to seeing you on

Relationships_pages

276

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page 276

Relationships That Rock!

my next seminar road-trip where you can tell me all about it. In the meanwhile, it’s time for you to start a new chapter, bring in the All-Sorts and get ready for the biggest LoveAdventure of your life. You’re a tough cookie and don’t you forget it. Punch your fist in the air, kick some romantic ass and let’s get this party started. Sayonara, Single Girl.

Relationships_pages

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page 277

Further reading

Relationship speak Arndt, Bettina, Private Lives, Penguin, Melbourne, 1986 Gray, John, Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus, HarperCollins, New York, 1992 Gray, John, Men, Women and Relationships, Beyond Words, USA, 1993 McKinlay, Deborah, Love Lies, HarperCollins, London, 1994

On breaking up Brock, Anita, Divorce Recovery, Worthy Publishing, 1998 Burrett, Jill, Changing Hearts, Allen & Unwin, Sydney, 1993 Cozens, Jenny, To Have and To Hold: Men, Sex and Marriage, Pan, London, 1995 Green, Toby, If You Really Loved Me, Random House, Sydney, 1996

Relationships_pages

6/30/04

278

4:07 PM

Page 278

Relationships That Rock!

Gullo, Stephen & Church, Connie, Loveshock, Simon & Schuster, New York, 1988 Heimel, Cynthia, Get Your Tongue Out Of My Mouth, I’m Kissing You Goodbye, Picador, Sydney, 1993 Heimel, Cythia, If You Leave Me, Can I Come Too?, Pan Macmillan, Sydney, 1995 Hamish, Keith & Bradley, Dinah, Being Single: How to Survive When a Relationship Ends, Simon & Schuster, Sydney, 1991 Kirshenbaum, Mira, Too Good To Leave, Too Bad To Stay, Penguin Books, London, 1996 Vaughan, Diane, Uncoupling: How and Why Relationships Come Apart, Methuen, London, 1987

On positive thinking and self-esteem Border, Dr Michael, The Art of Living Single, Wilkinson Books, Australia, 1998 Burns, David, Feeling Good, Information Aus Group, Australia, 1980 Fruedenberger, Herbert & North, Gail, Situational Anxiety, Carrol & Graff, New York, 1982 Radakovich, Anka, The Wild Girls Club, Random House, Sydney, 1995 Steinhem, Gloria, A Revolution From Within: A Book of Self Esteem, Bloomsburg, UK, 1992 Tanner, Susan & Ball, Jillian, Beating the Blues, Double Day, Australia & NZ, 1989

Flirting and fun Greive, Bradley Trevor, Looking for Mr Right, Random House, Sydney, 2001

Relationships_pages

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page 279

Further reading

279

Haskell, Peta, The Little Book of Flirting, HarperCollins, London, 2002 Heimel, Cynthia, Advanced Sex Tips For Girls, Simon & Schuster, New York, 2002 Lowndes, Leil, How to Talk to Anyone, HarperCollins, London, 1999 Overbeck, Joy, Love Stinks, HarperCollins, London, 1990 Pease, Allan, Body Language, Camel Publishing, Australia, 1985

Coaching in the romantic bonanza stakes De Anglelis, Barbara, Secrets About Men Every Women Should Know, Bantam, Doubleday, New York, 1990 De Anglelis, Barbara, Are You The One For Me?, HarperCollins, New York,1998 Harrold, Fiona, Be Your Own Life Coach, Hodder Headline, London, 2000 Gilman, Susan Jane, Kiss My Tiara, Warner Books, Australia, 2001 Gray, John, Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, HarperCollins, New York, 1992 Rutter, Virginia & Schwartz, Pepper, The Love Test, HarperCollins, New York, 1998 Sussman, Lisa, Sex in the City, Carlton Books, UK, 2003

And just good reading Adams, Jessica, Cool For Cats, Pan MacMillan, Sydney, 2003 Bank, Melissa, The Girls’ Guide to Hunting & Fishing, Penguin, London, 2000 Cunningham, Sophie, Geography, Text, Melbourne, 2004 Earls, Nick, Headgames, Penguin, Melbourne, 1999

Relationships_pages

280

6/30/04

4:07 PM

Page 280

Relationships That Rock!

Fielding, Helen, Bridget Jones’s Diary, Picador, London, 1996 Fielding, Helen, Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason, Picador, London, 1999 Hornby, Nick, High Fidelity, Riverhead Books, New York, 1995 Parsons, Tony, One For My Baby, HarperCollins, London, 2001