Raising Real People: Creating a Resilient Family

From the serious (relationships, depression, youth suicide) to the not-soserious (pocket money, homework, parties), author and clinical psychologist Andrew Fuller offers practical solutions to common problems drawn from parents, their children and his own experience as a family therapist. Full of insight, humour and good advice, this revised edition includes a new chapter on the ‘Click and Go’ generation. Raising Real People is a must-have guide for all parents of teenagers. ‘In Raising Real People, Fuller draws on wisdom accumulated from workshops, research conducted across Australia, and many successful first-hand approaches by parents to present ways to promote resilience in their children and harmony in the home.’ Age ‘Fuller is no stereotypical clinical psychologist. He has an open, down-toearth approach to his subject, talking freely and knowledgeably in a conversational manner. 9/10’

About the author Andrew Fuller has spent many years working with young people and their parents. He has developed parenting workshops for schools, local communities and private practice, and is a lecturer in the doctoral program at La Trobe University. He is also the author of From Surviving to Thriving: Promoting mental health in young people (ACER Press, 1998). Andrew is the father of two children. ISBN 0-86431-424-8

PRESS 9 780864 314246

Parenting

A964BK

ANDREW FULLER

Sunday Magazine

RAISING REAL PEOPLE

The Australian bestseller that explores the delights, frustrations and dilemmas facing parents of adolescents

ANDREW FULLER

RAISING REAL PEOPLE Creating Crea ting a Resilient Family Fa mily

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RAISING REAL PEOPLE

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ANDREW FULLER

RAISING REAL PEOPLE Creating a Resilient Family

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First published as Raising Real People: A Guide for Parents of Teenagers 2000 This revised edition first published 2002 by Australian Council for Educational Research Ltd 19 Prospect Hill Road, Camberwell, Melbourne, Victoria, 3124 Reprinted 2002 Copyright © 2000, 2002 Andrew Fuller All rights reserved. Except under the conditions described in the Copyright Act 1968 of Australia and subsequent amendments, no part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise, without the written permission of the publishers. Edited by Siobhán Cantrill Cover and text design by Jo Hunt, Pigs Might Fly Productions Formatted by Printed by Shannon Books National Library of Australia Cataloguing-in-Publication data: Raising Real People : creating a resilient family Fuller, Andrew; Raising real people : creating a resilient family. 2nd ed. ISBN 0 86431 424 8. 1. Parenting. 2. Parent and teenager. 3. Adolescent psychology. 4.Resilience (Personality trait) in adolescence. I. Title. 649.125 Acknowledgements: Song lyrics from ‘Down Under’ by Hay and Strykert reprinted with kind permission of EMI Music Publishing; ‘Wildflower’ by Greg Arnold reprinted with kind permission of Rondor Music; ‘Anarchy in the UK’ by Rotten, Matlock, Jones and Cook reprinted with kind permission of Warner Chappell Music.

Visit our website: www.acerpress.com.au

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Contents

o Acknowledgements Introduction to the new edition Introduction CHAPTER ONE

Raising real people: An overview of adolescence Parenting teenagers Childhood and the pre-adolescent Puberty The early teens The mid-teens The late adolescent The even later adolescent Dilemmas Parents over time Teenage bedrooms – a disaster or what? Bullying Chores and household jobs Communication – how to shrug and say ‘what?’

1 1 4 6 8 11 12 14 16 18 20 22 24

CHAPTER TWO

Families when they work well Spontaneity and curiosity People who are loved for their differences It is clear who is in charge

26 28 29 30

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Consistency Teach the skills of self-esteem Promote resilience Know how to argue Maintain family celebrations and rituals Play fair and don’t create scapegoats Have beliefs that take them beyond everyday concerns Parents are reliably unpredictable Dilemmas Computer use or computer addiction Concentration and attention difficulties Depression and the teenage blues Dieting and body concerns Drugs and alcohol

32 32 35 36 38 39 40 40 42 44 46 48 50

CHAPTER THREE

Parenting practices that usually don’t work The uninvited lecture Appealing for loyalty and commonsense Self-sacrifice/Self-denial Answering your own questions Do it spontaneously! Doing the same thing over and over again Not fighting Dilemmas Fathers – you are important in ways you don’t realise Fears, worries and other anxieties Fights – let’s spend this fight together Friendships Getting your teenager out of bed

52 53 54 55 56 57 57 57 60 62 64 66 68

CHAPTER 4

Teenagers and families through time The birth of the teenager Teenagers in the 1950s

70 71 73

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Teenagers in the 1960s Teenagers in the 1970s Teenagers in the 1980s Teenagers in the 1990s Dilemmas Grief and young people From guilty to glowing Homework Chronic illness and young people Jealousy

76 80 83 87 92 94 96 98 100

CHAPTER FIVE

The ages and phases of parenting The dating, waiting or mating stage Connected or rejected (marriage/living together and divorce) From dinks to nurturers and negotiators Return to the family of origin/the not-leaving-home stage The ‘your kids and my kids are beating up our kids’ stage The restless years Parents decide to move out Conclusion Dilemmas Money, money, money How to be a mother and stay sane in the process Motivation and other tales Parties Pocket money

102 105 106 107 108 110 111 111 112 114 116 118 120 122

CHAPTER SIX

Parenting adolescents: the delights and dilemmas Parenting planner Dilemmas Resilience and young people Running away School

124 129 134 136 138

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School refusal School transitions

140 142

CHAPTER SEVEN

Parenting adolescents: the disgust, the disdain and the disinterest One week to turn it around – the seven days that shook your teenager Day one – masterly inactivity Day two – the beginnings of a cunning plan Day three – spying Day four – going on a treasure hunt Day five – from no to yes Day six – invitational parenting Day seven – the shifty parent When things get stuck – the principles 1 Step back from the problem and admit failure 2 The problem is the problem 3 Notice what is happening when the problem isn’t 4 Behaviour is linked to responses 5 Aim small 6 Pay attention to the child, not the behaviour 7 Stop being as predictable as the washing machine cycle 8 Get some help (call in the cavalry) Violence and abuse Depression Alternative sexuality Dilemmas Self-esteem Separation and divorce Sex and romance Sibling relationships Sibling rivalry

144 145 145 146 147 147 147 148 148 149 149 149 150 150 151 151 152 152 152 153 155 158 160 162 164 166

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CHAPTER EIGHT

How do you please the child who has everything? Motivation and resilience with the click and go generation Differences between the generations The relationship between happiness and motivation Helping the click and go’s create fulfilling lives How to get along with other people Young people’s pleasant events How to control their emotions How to have high expectations of themselves

168 170 174 177 177 178 179 180

CHAPTER NINE

The resilient parent Dilemmas Doing the world’s most difficult job – solo Telephones Television and videos Temper and anger Your kids and my kids are beating up our kids – issues for blended families Chapter Notes Bibliography

182 182 184 186 188 190

197 203

o

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Introduction to the New Edition

o Three mothers were sitting on a park bench. The first sighed. The second groaned. The third said, ‘I thought we weren’t going to talk about the children’. A lot of sweat, turmoil, tears, wailing and gnashing of teeth have gone into Raising Real People. Thankfully, most of it hasn’t been mine. This book is not only based on research but also on thousands upon thousands of stories of parents who have developed cunning methods for raising their children. This updated version of the book expands my thinking on what is going on for the current group of young people, the ‘Click and Go’ generation. Parenting them and motivating them is a very different ball game from the issues that faced parents in previous generations. The way that we protect them from the ‘nasties’ of life – violence, selfharm, drug abuse – while guiding them towards leading fulfilling lives, is the trickiest job around. You can’t learn parenting from a book. What you can learn is how other parents in similar situations have handled some of the issues you face and then use this to come up with a version that works in your family. I hope this book inspires you to develop your own bold style of parenting. I’d like to open it with one of my favourite stories: A mother was fed up with her son’s use of a popular swear word beginning with the letter ‘F’. ‘Every second word he said was F’ing this and F’ing that and to be

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honest, I was F’ing sick of it,’ she told me. ‘So eventually I told him, ‘Each time you use that word I’m going to kiss you.’ ‘Last Saturday morning we were out shopping and he used the “F” word, so I laid the biggest, the smoochiest, the most motherly kiss you’ve ever seen on him, in public. Since then, every time he seems close to swearing he looks across at me with a worried look on his face and stops.’

Andrew Fuller 2002

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Introduction

o The American comedian Robin Williams once commented that being a new parent is a lot like being a cocaine addict – you can’t sleep, you’re as paranoid as hell and you smell. Being the parent of an adolescent is more like being a correspondent at the front line in a dirty and shifting war – you need to be able to hold your ground, you need to look after your interests and you need to know when to duck for cover. A book by John Gray about the differences between men and women inspired me to ask the question, ‘If men are from Mars and women are from Venus, where do adolescents come from?’. Over the past few years, thousands of parents have attended evenings to discuss the quirky and murky world of parenting teenagers. At these evenings, parents are asked to talk about what works in their experience. Sadly, too many parents over-estimate the knowledge of ‘experts’ and disregard their own abilities and skills. Experts can give you principles and ideas that will often work, but when push comes to shove, nothing can surpass the brazenness and sheer rat cunning of a group of hardened parents in action. The ideas in this book are an attempt to distil the insights, inspirations and experiences of parents and teenagers. Sometimes tragic, sometimes funny, their brilliance, perseverance and sheer audacity give this book its life. It seems increasingly difficult for parents to get together in the rush of day-to-day life to discuss what works in parenting children and

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teenagers. This often leaves people not knowing whether the way they are approaching a particular issue is the best way. If there is one theme that stands out from the discussions parents have had about what works for them, it is that parenting is about being there for children rather than doing any one particular thing. Parenting is much more about time and relationships than about particular methods or techniques. As one mother said, ‘I saw this book called The One Minute Parent and I thought they’ve got to be joking! He’s now thirty and I’m still trying to get it right!’. Andrew Fuller Melbourne

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CHAPTER ONE

Ra is in g Real People: An Overview of Adolescence

o If you want your children to be brilliant, read them fairy stories. If you want them to be even more brilliant, read them even more fairy stories. Albert Einstein

Pa re n t i n g Te e nag e rs Adolescence begins with a biological event – the onset of puberty, a horrifying time of life when nothing ever grows at quite the right rate. For many children, adolescence begins well before puberty arrives. Even before the physical changes that mark the onset of puberty take place or begin, we see children adopting a series of teen trends and mannerisms that they have picked up from television and older friends. Psychologically then, the teenage years may begin as early as Grade 4. It’s an anxious time – not least for parents! The physical changes that signal the beginning of puberty often bring with them a sense of bewildered confusion, mixed with a tinge of paranoia. If early teenagers develop before most of their friends, they feel like a combination of biological specimen and sex siren. If

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they develop later than most of their friends they feel like physical retards and spend long nights willing pubic hair to sprout before the next swimming carnival. And if they develop at the same time as everyone else they spend their time worrying that they are just average, mediocre no-hopers. This causes teenagers to head for the bathroom and to spend longer and longer in there looking at themselves in the mirror. Checking out which bits are hairy, which bits aren’t hairy enough, which bits are too big and which are too small. In the process, many secretly decide that they are abnormal but are too scared to discuss this with anyone.

Parents learn a lot from their children about coping with life. Muriel Spark, The Comforters

Early adolescents are often a combination of mixed-up dreamers and downtrodden depressives. They experience the highs of idealism and the lows of self-despair. (One father toyed with the idea of putting the sign ‘Warning! Wide Mood Swings’ on his teenager’s bedroom door. This often leads to a fixation with bad poetry, abrasive music and horror films, as teenagers search for something to make sense of their plight. At the same time they become interested in how the media depicts adolescence because it appears to them to be the one safe way of checking out whether they are normal. Unfortunately, the teenagers on television and film are anything but normal. Television shows and films targeted at teenagers often show adolescents as criminally inclined young people who have no regard for the feelings of others. Alternatively, the media also portrays the superadolescent. You can tell these easily by the gleam of their teeth. The super-adolescent is cashed up, confident and able to deal with the intricacies of any situation and come up trumps in less than half an hour. For the early teenager looking for adolescent role models, making sense of these images in the media can be a mystifying process. The producers of teen shows and films know that to get the biggest

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audience they need to have a male character who is in his late teens or early twenties. This gives younger viewers someone to look up to and identify with. These teenagers are generally very capable figures who are clearly on their way to the Holy Trinity of the material world (a hot job, a hot lover and a hot apartment) and they never, ever, ever masturbate. Living up to these role models can be a tall order at any age, but if you’re 12 years old it’s impossible. This leads to ‘developmental bouncing’, wherein young people seem to shift around in terms of their level of maturity. One day you’re parenting a 12-year-old, the next day you’re parenting a 23-year-old, the following day an eight-year-old, and so on. This can be very confusing for parents and it also puzzles the hell out of children and adolescents. The problem is that this type of developmental bouncing starts in early primary school. When you are young, it is good to act a bit older than you really are. That’s partly how we grow up – by trying out things and seeing how they go, sometimes falling flat on our faces, other times coping and succeeding. But if the developmental bounce becomes too extreme, life becomes very confusing for young people. It’s up to parents to help their adolescents to realise and accept how old they really are. But don’t expect to get thanked for it; it is important for parents to feel confident to set and enforce limits and rules that are in keeping with their child’s or young person’s age. For many teenagers and their parents, adolescence is a very anxiety-provoking time and no one can be as cool as teenagers have to try to be. One father said:

‘When my daughter hit thirteen, she changed. She didn’t speak to me, she started to sneer and she kept sneering for the next four years. Almost to the day, on her seventeenth birthday the light came back in her eyes. I was no longer the alien father from hell ...’ In the midst of all the family and physical changes, the teenage years are a time to be idealistic, to dream and to hold absolute values, absolutely. This allows teenagers to develop a sense of separateness

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from the compromised adult world of their parents. As Phillip Adams has said, ‘adolescence is a brief period of optimism separating a brief period of ignorance from a terminal period of cynicism’. If you are not going to be idealistic during your adolescence, when are you going to get around to it? At times, this idealism makes teenagers very difficult to negotiate with. In fact, parents have been known to say they would prefer talking down a terrorist in a hostage situation than trying to get their adolescent to make their bed. As some despairing parents have noted, at least terrorists will usually make a deal. You can get the sense that you are negotiating with a brick wall because for many teenagers, whatever they decide to do first is the best and only possible thing to do. If it is any comfort at all, none of this is new. In fact, Socrates summed up the adolescents of Athens by saying, ‘they show disrespect for their elders, they contradict their parents, chatter before company, gobble up dainties at the table, and tyrannise their teachers’. This from a guy who only had eight young people to teach at a time! Even Aristotle agreed with him, adding that teenagers were, ‘passionate, irascible, and apt to be carried away by their impulses. They regard themselves as omniscient and are positive in their assertions; this is, in fact, the reason of their carrying everything too far’. So if at times you feel perplexed, out of your depth or just plain used up and tyrannised, it’s always helpful to feel that you are in good company. Sharing a confusion that puzzled some of the world’s greatest philosophers is not such a bad place to start.

o Childhood and the Pre-adolescent Before puberty is a time called ‘latency’, when everything lies dormant and settled. Theoretically, it is a time of calm before the storm of

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puberty. Many parents of teenagers wistfully recall the happy tenyear-old they once had. One interesting stage of the childhood years is the ‘I’m not going to be your friend any more’ stage, in which the child begins to exert his or her power and will in social situations. Many parents find themselves being told on occasions that they are hated by their children. One way to look at this is that it prepares you to have a thick skin for later on, when the battle gets really serious. One possible response to a child who insists that they hate you is to say ‘You can hate me all you like and I can love you just as much as I like’. This is the time to be clear about family rules and expectations. Taking the time to calmly explain rules in the context of the sort of family you want to be is useful. It won’t stop your children disputing some of these rules later on but it does help to have clear, consistent and calm parenting with reasonably high expectations of the contribution children and young people can make towards family life. Having high expectations, hopes and dreams of your children and supporting them to contribute positively to family life is one way of promoting resilience in young people. Going on a treasure hunt with children, searching for their talents, skills and abilities, finding them and making much of them assists them in gaining positive self-esteem.

Parents are the bones upon which children sharpen their teeth. Peter Ustinov, Dear Me

Pre-adolescence is also is a stage in which the world is simplified into two basic states: ‘boy germs’ and ‘girl germs’. Where I grew up all the guys would hang out in cubbies, kick the football or play marbles, while the girls did something strange with elastic that involved chanting. The division of the sexes is very clear at this stage and just when you think you’ve got it all sorted out, when you’ve got all the guys in the cubby or all the girls out with the elastic and never the twain shall

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meet, when you’ve hung out the sign that says ‘No Boys (or Girls) Allowed’ – then puberty comes along to change everything.

o Puberty Puberty is starting earlier and earlier and is now estimated to begin on average at 11-and-a-half years for girls and one-and-a-half to two years later for boys. At puberty, the body grows at a faster rate than at any time other than infancy. The unwritten rule of early adolescence is, however, that nothing ever grows at the right rate. This growth spurt is often accompanied by increased irritability and conflict as testosterone affects both boys and girls. Disputes between daughters and mothers just prior to the daughter’s first period appear to be common occurrences. One teenage girl’s stepmother, who had already raised two boys recounted: ‘with the boys it was easy – I just kept them so busy they didn’t have time to get into much trouble. But with Samantha it was a major debate just having breakfast’. It seems that it is early-maturing girls and late-maturing boys who may be at highest risk during this stage. To be the last boy on the block without hair anywhere but on his head makes him vulnerable to ridicule and bullying. To be the first girl on the block with breasts and a period provokes anxiety; comments about appearance and body shape are serious business when you are at this age.

The young always have the same problem – how to rebel and conform at the same time. They have now solved this by defying their parents and copying one another. Quentin Crisp, The Naked Civil Servant

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At times parents may make playful comments about their teenager’s body shape such as ‘she’s a bit chunky’ or ‘she’s got a bit of puppy fat’, ‘if she keeps growing at this rate she’ll be a big girl’, ‘he’s a late developer’ or ‘he’s not as mature as the other boys in his class’. You could mistakenly believe that these comments meant lightly and harmlessly are not serious – until you look into the teenager’s eyes. For them there is no such thing as playful teasing. These years are noted for sensitivity about body growth and shape, normality and abnormality, and worries about sexuality. Teasing and bullying about appearance, sexuality and family is quite common at this age as many young people try out the power tactics they have seen on television and off-load some of their worries about their own body. Strategies to deal with this are discussed in the section on bullying. Bullying and teasing peak in schools between Grade Four and Year Eight. Shifting from primary to secondary school often occurs at the same time as puberty and can lead to a dip in self-esteem. This is particularly so for girls. It is a good insurance policy to ensure that your teenager has a second friendship group separate from their school friends at this time. Sporting groups, scouts, guides, youth groups and hobby groups may provide a second group of friends. This protects them. If they fall out with one set of friends at least there is someone else to talk to. It is even more important to do this in country areas (even though it may not be easy to arrange). To be rejected by all the people your age in a small country town is a very tough thing to handle.

Children aren’t happy with nothing to ignore, And that’s what parents were created for. Ogden Nash, 1902-71, The Parents

While you are finding a group of friends outside school for your young teenager, it may also be a good time to consider finding an adult that you know and trust and asking them to be available to your teenager should they wish to speak to an adult who is not their parent.

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We know that having a trustworthy adult outside the family who takes an interest in you helps adolescents get through tough times. You may want to do a ‘swap deal’ and take on a similar role for your friend’s teenager. In many ways this replicates the role traditionally played by ‘godparent’, and given that adolescence is about showing how independent you can be from your parents it makes sense to have someone outside the family to talk things through with from time to time. Occasionally, when this is suggested, a parent will say ‘but I tell my teenager that we can talk about anything and we do’. Even if you are lucky enough to be in that situation, it still makes good sense to provide your teenager with as many avenues as possible to discuss concerns.

o The Early Teens The early teenage years are a time when teenagers shift from being mainly focused on their family and place more emphasis on their friends and other people outside the family. For parents, the early teenage years can be fraught with dismay as the teenager says ‘just drop me three or four blocks away from the school, will you, Mum’, or ‘how come you’re the only Dad with grey hair?’. Or you are driving along and your teenager disappears from sight below the level of the car window because they’ve just seen a friend and they don’t want to be seen with you. Parenting an adolescent is not always an ego-building event and it’s well known that families and parents’ relationships are under more pressure when you have an adolescent in the house than at any other time. Parents of teenagers may also be dealing with the ageing of their

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own parents and at times you may feel that you are surrounded by people who need you to look after them (and, in some cases, don’t appreciate your efforts).

And my parents finally realise that I’m kidnapped and they snap into action immediately: they rent out my room. Woody Allen, Woody Allen & His Comedy (E. Lax)

Taking the time to preserve your marriage or relationship is essential around this time. You do no one any favours if the battles of adolescence topple over into relationship battles. In most cases, divorce and separation affect adolescents negatively. The exception is, of course, in cases of violence, abuse or where there are high levels of conflict. It is no surprise that teenagers become less family oriented at this time, and it is certainly true that during the early teenage years the amount of time the average teenager spends at Aunty Mabel’s or Uncle Ahmed’s Sunday barbecue sharply declines. However, families that cope well with adolescence seem to keep aside some one-on-one time between a parent and their teenager. This seems to be protective of the parent–adolescent relationship and provides teenagers with a sense of how to function as an adult in the world. It is important every so often to drag your adolescent along to some event, preferably several kilometres away from your own area so their friends don’t see them, and to show them what sort of things you do in your life. Inevitably, they will comment that the whole thing is utterly boring but just ignore this. Rather than always trying to think up things to take teenagers to that they might enjoy, occasionally take them to an event that you will enjoy. Of course they will find it dull and will probably roll their eyes extensively but at least one of you will be having a good time. In the process, you will be showing them that it is possible to have fun as an adult. Seeing you have fun helps them to define what is fun for themselves.

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The early teenage years are a mixture of wanting freedom and wanting structure and protection. To develop into independent adults teenagers are supposed to find your activities and interests boring. Don’t let their drive for independence make you lose sight of their need for you. Don’t let them go too early. Despite the impression given by teenagers, 88 per cent say they like their parents and expect them to nag at times. It is as if there are two levels of conversation going on at the same time throughout the teenage years. The first is a public conversation that includes comments like ‘get out of my life’, ‘just leave me alone’ and ‘nobody else’s parents call the other friend’s parents’. Most parents recognise this conversation because it rings loudly in almost any home with a teenager in it. But there is also a second, much quieter and much more private conversation which goes something like, ‘If they don’t nag me, then I’m not sure they care and if they don’t care, maybe they don’t love me’. It can be tempting to feel that because your teenager says they don’t want you around, you should just give them space and leave them to do what they want. All of the evidence we have tells us that parents need to elbow into their teenager’s lives occasionally and involve themselves, despite the protests. For example, most parents of late teenagers believe that they are not wanted around the secondary school and yet when Year 11 students were asked whether fathers should be involved in their school life, over 60 per cent said yes.

Loneliness and the feeling of being unwanted is the most terrible poverty. Mother Teresa

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The Mid-teens After the upheavals of the early teenage years, middle adolescence is a time when life gets really confusing. For many teenagers, the response is to be cool and to perfect the ‘wither up and die’ pout. These can be the ‘grunt and shrug’ years. The happy-go-lucky child of only two or three years ago can be unrecognisably morose and angry at this time. Many adolescents develop a mid-teenage dip in their general level of functioning; they lose interest in school, family and learning and seem to take an advanced interest in ‘hanging out’. In schools this is known as the ‘Year 9 from hell’ phenomenon. Many teenagers find most things ‘boring’ and they may become difficult to wake up in the morning and remain fairly non-communicative during the day. Middle adolescence is about one word – POPULARITY – and at any cost. As Alfred Adler once pointed out: people do not learn to try to achieve in socially undesirable ways until they have learned that they cannot succeed in socially useful ways. They will do anything to be popular and this is why it is so important for teenagers to have developed a broad friendship and interest group earlier on. Some families say that telephone bills peaked when they had a middle adolescent in the house. It is important for parents to be aware of public versus private negotiations. Minimise any negotiations that you need to have with your teenager in front of their friends. Many adolescents look back at these years and talk of the importance that a part-time job or work experience played in helping them to learn about what they wanted to do for a living as adults. Try to find ways to acknowledge their talents and gifts. Adolescents who are acknowledged for having special gifts, talents, school or work skills are more likely to bounce back if times get tough. They may not appear to be listening but don’t give up. Accept and encourage their dreams.

Communication is to relationships what breath is to life. Virginia Satir

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About 60 per cent of young women are on diets at any one time and many of these young women began dieting in their early teens in response to negative comments about their body. Weight gain during early adolescence is a normal and desirable process. All it takes is one negative comment – even if said in a joking manner – for a sensitive teen to develop fears about their body size. It takes four years on average to treat an eating disorder and the treatments don’t always succeed. During the mid-teens, adolescents often have a desperate, uncontrollable air about them which can lead parents to act in restricting, constraining ways. Yet it is at this time, perhaps more than any other, that young people need a guide who can help them to nourish and maintain their uniqueness. A guide who accepts and applauds difference. Sometimes this guide can be a parent but more often it is a teacher, an aunt or uncle or an adult from outside the family. As long as you feel you can trust this person, it is wise to accept their role and to try to not feel too displaced and commonplace yourself. Not accepting the young person’s desperate desire to slot into a role, a group, or a good kid/bad kid persona is very important. Young people don’t neatly fit these categories and if we allow them to become too domesticated, too narrow or too stereotyped they can lose their own sense of themselves in the process.

o The Late Adolescent Late adolescence is the time of ‘facing up’. It can be a difficult time that begins around the age of 17 and goes on and on until about the age of 58 or so. The pressures of Years 11 and 12, limited job opportunities and a world that increasingly defines success in economic terms increases the risk that young people will define themselves as having

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HOW TO ARGUE – A GUIDE FOR TEENAGERS In a typical argument with parents, the How to Argue Guide for Teenagers advises that they apply the following approaches to parental objections: 1 Question the existence of their objections. This involves informing your parents of their out-modedness and teaching them the true level of risk. For example, ‘That sort of thing might have happened when you were young (insert sigh) but now we all know it’s there and we can handle it’. In general, it is wise to attempt to underscore their poor understanding of reality by using examples of other people who are permitted to do the activity. For example, ‘Well, Sally’s parents let her ...’ or the less specific ‘Well everyone else is allowed to go’. If parents insist that the basis of their concerns have some reality try to: 2 Question the applicability of the objection to you personally. For example, ‘There might be (drugs/sex/alcohol/violence or insert relevant issue) but you don’t think I’d be so stupid as to ...’ This is best delivered in strong, offended tones. If parents insist their concerns have some reality and that these apply to you try to: 3 Question the relevance of their concerns in this situation. This requires you to find something specific about this time that will reassure your parents that all will be well. For example, ‘There might have been (drugs/sex/alcohol/ violence or insert relevant issue) there last time and I might have been a little bit irresponsible last time ... but ... I’ve learned to mend my ways’. or ‘There might be (drugs/sex/alcohol/violence or insert relevant issue) and I might have been a little bit irresponsible last time ... but ... this time (select one of the following) a) There will be parental guidance; b) I’m going with a saner, pretty dull crowd who are responsible and aren’t into that sort of thing anyway; or c) I’ve just undergone a process of rapid maturing and know what I’m doing’. If they persist in believing their concerns are real, apply to you, and are relevant in this specific situation, try to: 4 Question the wisdom of avoiding the issue they are concerned about. For example, ‘I can’t live in a cotton-wool box all my life, you know’ or ‘It’s better to know what the risks are so I can know how to avoid them’. If they persist in believing their concerns are real, apply to you, are relevant in this situation and are worth avoiding, try to: 5 Question their sense of trust, love or faith in you. For example, ‘I thought you trusted me. I’m almost (insert age of at least two years after next birthday here) you know’. As a last resort you can try flattering them. For example, ‘I know most kids wouldn’t be up to this but with the great parenting I’ve had, I know I can cope’. These methods have been found to be successful across the decades.

o

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failed and, in extreme cases, some may even attempt suicide as a result. This is now a very confusing time for young people and the lack of rituals, markers and milestones that we have for becoming an adult leads to further turmoil. What markers do we have in a world that requires people to stay in education longer and longer? The task that faces us all is how to help young people to feel they are successful in a world that seems to define success as an elusive, economic achievement.

o The Even Later Adolescent A generation ago people were considered to have grown up at the age of 21 when they received the ‘key to the door’. For many young people, this transition point to adulthood has now been delayed by seven years. It is not unusual for young people to remain living with their families, completing education, working in short-term jobs or being unemployed until their late twenties. As one mother commented: ‘I was prepared for the terrible twos – I had lots of sympathisers and allies. But no one ever prepared me for the terrible twenties’. Despite expectations that young people will be able to leave home and become independent, separating from families has also become more difficult. As young people stay in education longer or seek employment or try to save to move out, they are more likely to remain financially dependent on their families for longer. For the parents of these adolescents, who may be caring for their own ageing parents, the empty nest often remains over-full. This contributes to family tensions dealing with issues of independence, control and sexuality. The task of raising real people is a long-term project. The following chapters cover the features of families when they

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work well and approaches that don’t work in parenting teenagers, as well as covering a series of specific dilemmas that commonly confront parents of young people.

o

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THE ADAPTABLE PARENT DILEMMA PARENTS OVER TIME

Parents Haven’t Changed Much – But Teenagers Have

talk about ways of approaching child care and teen care issues. Despite this, parents go through a fairly predictable sequence of stages as their children age.

Teenagers today start their adolescence earlier, finish it much later and are possibly more influenced by the media than those of a generation ago. The way that parents argue with their teenagers hasn’t shifted much. Australian fathers just try to look serious as they say, ‘Think about what it will do to your mother’. Mothers seem less inclined to say, ‘Wait till your father gets home’, possibly because they are disillusioned with what will happen when he does get home, or, more probably, because they are not home themselves. Parents have less time, have to juggle more things and get less chance to

Stage One: The Paranoid Parent

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Having babies around can turn the average, sane parent into a sleepdeprived wreck as they observe every breath. This paranoia initially focuses on the baby until it begins to crawl, and then shifts to the bookcases, curtains, walls and stairs. Stage Two: The Separating Parent Wondered what you would do when the kids went to pre-school? Ha! After recovering from separation

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anxiety, there is the rush to and from creche or

parents. As long as you can endure hearing the

Quote for the Day ‘We are an earring to the left of our parents and they are but a haircut to the left of theirs.’

phrase ‘I’m not going to be your friend any more’,

Things of Stone and Wood

kindergarten, reading, playing, drawing. Don’t worry, you’ll get some sleep some day. Stage Three: The Relieved Parent The beginning of primary school marks the beginning of a brief period of serenity for most

you’ll probably be alright. Stage Four: The Anxious Parent The late primary to early secondary years bring with them a dose of concern and anxiety as children shuffle their peer groups, boil the world down into two basic states – boy’s germs and girl’s germs, and generally get into comparing themselves with everyone else. Stage Five: The Embattled Parent With the onset of the teenage years, a great debate begins. Hold on to your hats and stick in there for the long haul. Stage Six: The Exhausted Parent The mid- to late teen years often see the hassled parent meeting the haughty teenager and the results are not always pretty. Stage Seven: The Deserted Parent Free at last! Stage Eight: The Involved Grandparent Or so you thought! This used to be an optional stage, but with many families having both parents in full-time work and more single-parent families, the role of the grandparent is increasingly important in providing day-to-day care. The risk of this is that as grandparents become more involved in everyday care, they may lose their role as a kind, wise guide to young people who may be battling with their parents.

If Parenting has Improved so Much, Why Aren’t Kids Better Off? Times have changed so dramatically that the role of parents has shifted. When children are young, they need structure and consistency. While they still need these things from you when they become teenagers, they are not going to admit it. Parenting has become much more complex because young people are bombarded with messages, information and influences from so many sources. Parents are only one influence on children’s development, with peers, school and the media playing an increasingly large role. It is important that parents are actively involved in all of these areas of their children’s lives.

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THE DESPERATE PARENT DILEMMA TEENAGE BEDROOMS – A DISASTER OR WHAT?

Teenager’s Bedroom Discovered in Lost Jungle Experts today uncovered the remains of what appears to a be a teenage bedroom dating from the late 20th Century. This historical find has shaken the myth that dirt and mayhem as a feature of the teenage bedroom was solely a 21st Century phenomena. An archeological dig at the site has uncovered many objects of obscure purpose plus treasured posters and strange condensed clumps of food,

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magazines and clothing. Historian and mother of four, Mrs Marjorie Hindbottom said, ‘This is one of the most gruesome discoveries of my career. I thought my own kids were bad but I’ve never seen anything like this!’ Along with the piles of unwashed clothes and illicit substances appears to have been a teenager, who emerged dazed, unwashed and bewildered. On being told that he had overslept by at least 20 years, the teenager’s first comment was, ‘Typical – they always forget to wake me’. A team of sociologists is expected to rush to the scene some time later this afternoon.

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The Typical Teenage Bedroom

T O D AY ’ S W O R D :

An analysis of the typical teenage bedroom includes many unidentifiable substances. When I went into my teenager’s bedroom, what did I see? 12 teenagers mumbling 11 posters drooping 10 lads a-languishing 9 girls a-giggling 8 undies breeding 7 socks a-stinking 6 greasy plates 5 maudlin poems 4 crawling nerds 3 dreaded friends 2 purple gloves and a bar fridge full of Jim Beam.1

Definition:

Cleanliness By Parent: Bed made. Clothes in laundry basket or folded in wardrobe. Plates and food returned to kitchen. By Teenager: Bed covered. Clothes stuffed into drawers or left on floor ready for next use. Food supplies and emergency rations near to hand.

Answer to Dirt Dilemma Found One mother has discovered a fail-safe method for dealing with teenagers’ bedrooms. What you do is devilishly simple.

• First, clean the bedroom once. Once! Make it spotless. • Then take a photo of the spotless bedroom in all its glory. • Then take the film down to a developer with a special deal on poster-sized photos. • Bring the poster-sized photo home and stick it to the outside of the bedroom door. • Close the door and pretend that is what it looks like. (If you like, before-and-after photos on the door can make a nice touch.) Raising Real People: An Overview of Adolescence 19

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THE WORRIED PARENT DILEMMA BULLYING

Bullying – What We Know • One in five Australian school students is affected by bullying. • Bullying includes name-calling, teasing, comments about physical appearance or sexuality, and being left out of activities on purpose. Bullying also includes hitting, punching and kicking. • Bullying often occurs when adults are not around and can develop without parents or teachers being aware of it. • Bullying is too damaging to allow it to continue. • The victims of bullies can feel isolated, depressed, have low self-esteem and have more absences from school. • Children who bully are generally trying out the power tactics they see around them. They are not necessarily from troubled families.

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• Children

who bully need help to change their behaviour. • Effectively stopping bullying requires parents and the school to work together. • Just telling a child to ignore it rarely works. • Telling a child to hit back worsens the problem. • Parents should not try to intervene with bullies or their parents. That is the school’s job.

What should I do if my child is bullied at school? Contact a teacher that you trust at the school and set up a joint record-keeping system in which you keep a note of

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any bullying incidents that you become aware of and the school does the same. Meet weekly to compare findings. Parents and teachers working together stand the best chance of success. While many students ask their parents not to become involved, bullying thrives on secrecy. It is usually better to go against your child’s wishes and talk to the school. Ask your child to keep a record of incidents and a list of insults and to draw a map of the school marking where they feel safe and unsafe. In most bullying situations, there are some students who are directly involved, some who are neutral and some who don’t bully. Start trying to befriend those who do

not bully and try to increase the number of friends from the neutral group. If the problem continues for longer than one school term, consider class or school change.

Warning Signs The signs that a child is being bullied in school include: an increased reluctance to attend school; increased anger and aggression at home; more days off due to illness; more phone calls from other children that end abruptly; and wariness and withdrawn behaviour.1

Protecting Your Child Against Bullying There is no process that will ‘bully-proof’ a child but there are some things you can put in place to make it less likely that your child will suffer from being bullied. Ensure that your child has a second group of friends that they mix with that isn’t attached to the school. This is particularly important from Grade 4 to Year 8. Choose a secondary school that has a good process for integrating new students (see page 143 on school transitions). Teach your child how not to take the insults of others so personally that they damage their self-esteem and believe that the insults are true. This doesn’t mean we should excuse other people’s behaviour but neither should we allow their barbed or rude remarks to upset us to our core. If your child becomes more reluctant to go to school, behaves more aggressively than usual at home or seems frightened of going to local places, check with the school teacher to see if bullying has been occurring.

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THE EXHAUSTED PARENT DILEMMA CHORES AND HOUSEHOLD JOBS

Teen Union Comes to the Table The nation breathed a collective sigh of relief today as the Combined Union of Teenagers (CUT) sought reconciliation over what can only be described as a breathtaking log of claims. Describing management as distrustful of claims made last week that ‘Everybody else is allowed to go’ and ‘No, you don’t need to telephone her parents’, the CUT went on strike. ‘So what?’ was the bemused reply from the Head of the Order of Parents Everywhere (HOPE). ‘We haven’t seen much action on the shop floor in recent weeks, so the strike won’t touch the sides let alone the surface’. Claims and counter-claims relating to one side not understanding the other, and

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charges of hypocrisy and betrayal, have been made. Mediation by a member of the Collective of Older Children, who said, ‘Well, they never let me do it’, failed to move the matter towards resolution. The dispute is expected to last until the middle of the century. We can only hope they grow up fast.1

Australia’s Teenagers Speak Out on Chores In breakthrough research, it has been revealed that most Australian teenagers think young people should be involved in helping out around the house. Taking care of

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yourself and your possessions is seen as promoting responsibility.2 Girls are more likely than boys to see household jobs and chores as a way of contributing to the welfare of the family. Even more shocking are findings that most adolescents don’t favour payment for individual jobs, preferring a more generalised payment or pocket money. However, they do think that ‘big jobs’ should receive a special payment. Before you think you’ve got it too easy, it is important to note that while 82% expect to have to do some chores around the house, 57% expect you to nag them about it.3 As a rough guide, self-care tasks such as making their bed, putting away toys, and basic cleaning of their rooms can begin around six or seven years of age. Family-care tasks such as doing the dishes and sweeping should begin later, after age eight. Of course, if children express interest in helping out, it’s always best to include them as long as the task(s) can be done safely.

You Just Can’t Buy Good Help These Days Mr Spinelli of Campbelltown noticed that it was costing him four hours of nagging and $20 to get the car washed. It would have been cheaper to use professional cleaners. ‘After this discovery, I decided I could either have week-long debates with my son or I could decide our relationship was more important’, he said.

Cook-a-thon Mrs Violet Perchanski of Surrey Hills has given up. Her kids are bored with her cooking. ‘At first I was offended’, she said, ‘and then I figured out that I cook 1095 meals a year. I wouldn’t eat 1095 meals in a row from even the best restaurant in town. So now they all take turns choosing what we eat, and cooking it’.

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THE CHATTING PARENT DILEMMA COMMUNICATION – HOW TO SHRUG AND SAY ‘WHAT?’ Average Parent Ignored Recent studies tell us that the average parent makes 250 requests of the average child each day. The average child ignores about one-third of these requests. This means that even when everything is going well about 80 of your requests each day will be ignored. The great news here is that the most parents get ignored is about eight hours out of every day!

Shoe watching becomes Nation’s No. 1 hobby In shock news to hand, gardening and fishing have been displaced as the country’s most popular hobbies. Australian young people have become addicted to their shoes. Yes, the fine and noble art of shoe watching has re-emerged in our times. Whenever young people are asked a question, a shrug and a grunt is the customary response, followed by looking swiftly down towards their own shoes. The Olympic Committee is considering entering this activity in future games, so we can truly expect the young of this country to go for gold.

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It’s Just a Shrug to the Left In ground-breaking research released today, it was discovered that a shrug with the left shoulder is more likely to mean ‘no’ and a shrug with the right shoulder is more likely to mean ‘yes’. The senior investigator from the potentially Nobel Prize-winning research team, Prof. F. Flinstone said, ‘It’s simple – all you need to do is ask an adolescent a question and then pay close attention to which shoulder moves the most. They may start swearing at you but at least they will be talking’.

You Never Listen to Me Mrs Papas of Belmont made a breakthrough with her teenager. ‘After weeks of grunting at me, my daughter turned around and said “you never listen to me”,’ Mrs Papas reported. ‘So I told her she had ten minutes to tell me what was happening. I sat down and for ten minutes, I just listened. I didn’t say one word. I didn’t even move a muscle. After about five or six minutes she ran out of things to say, so I said ‘Thank you, dear, now I understand your point of view’.

‘What?’ ‘Dunno’ ‘Boring’ Most Used Words In a national survey released today the words most used by teenagers appear to be ‘what?’, ‘dunno’ and ‘boring’. The vocabulary of some teenagers has fallen to only two or three words.

Today’s Quiz Q: How do you get teenagers to shrug and say ‘all right’? A: Ask them how their day at school was.

What Young People Say is the Best Way for Parents to Talk to Young People Australia’s young people have spoken out about the way they feel parents should speak to their children. Several useful guidelines emerged. Firstly, most teenagers are afraid that they will be humiliated by their parents in front of their friends. So if you have to have a D&M (deep and meaningful) conversation with them – do it in private. Even when you think you might get away with a point because they are in front of their friends, don’t succumb to temptation. All you will end up with is a resentful adolescent. The golden rule of communicating with teenagers is simple: speak to them as you would speak to your friends. For many young people the intensity and eye contact that usually accompanies a D&M is too much. It is often better to try to have discussions with your teenager when you are both engaged in another activity such as driving to and from school.

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CHAPTER TWO

Fa milies When T hey Wor k Well

o I sometimes think that the only reason parents put up with children and children put up with their parents is to play a game in the evening 1 and to forget their battle of the day. William Saroyan

Being a parent is equivalent to involving yourself in a debate that lasts for decades. One debating team wants change: sometimes the debate centres on more freedoms or staying up later, sometimes it centres on more help around the house. The other team wants things to stay pretty much as they are – they are comfortable, and stability is what they argue for.2 Just when you think you’ve got the teams worked out and know who is on which side they seem to forget their lines, argue against their best interests or simply change teams. This debate between changing and staying the same is essential in that it is the ‘engine room’ of growth and development for families. When you live with a family, however, you need to realise that you are with a group of people who have been practising the fine art of keeping themselves living together and changing for years. This

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means that every family member has to pretty much do the same sorts of things they always do. Families require consistency and familiarity so that they can efficiently carry out the tasks of daily living. For many families, the intricacies of getting everyone up, dressed, bathed, fed and ready for school, work or appointments by a specified time require a level of coordination that could only be dreamed of by most corporations. As one male executive commented: ‘One day I looked at my wife and I was shocked to realise that if only I could get my team managing their projects as well as she organised our family, we’d be unbeatable!’. Despite the need for families to have a reasonable degree of consistency, families have changed a lot. As we will see in Chapter 5, the family of 50 years ago is barely recognisable today. We hear a lot about families when they don’t work well. The media often runs stories about abuse, delinquency and family breakdown. It is assumed that the increased incidence of single-parent and blended families is responsible for creating social difficulties and problems.

Certainly the way families were structured a generation ago has changed. It used to be you could ask parents how many children they have but now it’s better to ask children how 3 many parents they have. It is not the structure of a family – whether it be intact, singleparent or blended – that matters so much as what happens in the family. If we are honest, there are times when our families work well, times when they are pretty average and other times when they function dreadfully. Even so, it is important to spend some time thinking about what happens in families when they do work well.

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Spontaneity and Curiosity Spontaneity and curiosity are the building blocks of good mental health. You cannot tell someone how to have better mental health and you can’t give it to them by getting them to read a book. I once made the mistake of trying to do so. I was working with a young woman who wanted to become more assertive and positive. In a moment of therapeutic inspiration I pulled out a copy of Martin Seligman’s book Learned Optimism and suggested she read it. She looked at me, looked at the book and then, with sadness in her eyes, said, ‘I’ll never get through it’. I remember thinking, ‘Well, that was a startling success, wasn’t it?’. She was right! If you want to teach your children how to have good mental health and how to lead a life that is fulfilling and joyful, you need to show them. They need to see you having fun, being spontaneous, and making mistakes and getting over them. If you want your kids to succeed you need to show them that success is worth having. While families need consistency and children need to know that they can rely on their parent(s) to be there for them, it is important for parents not to get so burdened by the domestic drudgery of life, that all the flair, fun and flamboyance of life goes missing. Too many families feature a parent who walks in after a hard day in the jungle out there, loosens their top button or tie, passes by the refrigerator, grabs a bottle of whatever will cure what ails them, slumps in the corner in an exhausted mess and then looks bleary-eyed at their teenager and asks in a tired and exasperated voice, ‘Have you done your homework, so you can grow up and be a success like me?’. Then they wonder why the teenager won’t do his or her homework. So the really hard message here is that if you want to raise your children to have mentally healthy lives you are going to have to have a good time yourself. If you want your children to succeed you need to show them that success is worth having.

Modelling isn’t the best way to teach – it is the only way to teach. Albert Schweitzer

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o People Who Are Loved For Their Differences When families function well people are allowed to be different and to be loved for those differences. Individual differences and interests are allowed to flourish rather than being suppressed. It is not a matter of everyone conforming to the same standards or doing things in the same way. Given that children will find their own ways to differ anyway, according to their birth order or in order to establish their own identity, it is often better to celebrate these differences. See page 165 on sibling relationships for more information on this. We all know that children take on different roles. A father of three said: ‘It’s as if they have a planning meeting once a year and say “you be the good kid, I’ll be the sick kid and the other one can be the trouble-maker”! And then just when you think you’ve got it figured out they change roles again’. Families when they work well have a playful, circus-like quality in which people can play at taking on different roles and feel comfortable to be themselves. Given that children often take on different roles anyway, it may be wise to love them regardless of which role they are taking on. In a funny kind of way this prevents children from becoming too bogged down in the one role. Young people need to have someone who nurtures their individuality, who tells them that it’s all right to be themselves rather than to try to fit in with and be the same as everyone else. Having children who are strongly individual and who have a sense of who they are is a sign of good parenting. The problem may be that they will then express their independent spirit in ways that you don’t like. The ideal is a mix between someone who preserves their

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uniqueness and is able to work with others without becoming dictated to by them.

Don’t want a mum who wears your clothes and tries to be one of your friends. Want a groovy mum but one who respects her age. one teenage girl

o I t i s C le a r Wh o i s i n C h arg e Families do not work well as democracies. In fact they seem to work best as benevolent dictatorships in which the parent or parents consult a lot with their children but at the end of the day, the parent has the final say. It is the parents’ house. They pay the rent or the mortgage and they have the right to set the rules. This doesn’t mean they impose rules abusively or coercively but rather that they talk a lot about what the rules should be and then make a firm decision. Some parents fear that if they take charge they will lose the friendship of their children, but often the reverse is true. In families where parents fail to take their own role seriously, children may feel that to express their independence they will need to behave badly until someone finally takes notice. Children in these families can also become worried that they may have to parent their own parents. To parent your own parents can turn you into your own grandparent, which can be really confusing! In discussions with adolescents, their opinion has been very clear: parents should worry about children and adolescents – it is how they show that they care. One young woman who had been involved with

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the juvenile justice system reminisced: ‘I kept bringing home worse and worse boyfriends hoping that they’d react. The last one was so dirty and sleazy I couldn’t stand him myself. When they didn’t react, I thought stuff you, I’ll show you’. Sometimes parents fall into the trap of believing that they do not have the right to change their mind. That once a decision is made it cannot be changed. It is as if they see changing their mind as a sign of weakness rather than a positive result of weighing things up and making a sound decision. For example: ‘When she was late home, I said you’re grounded for a month. Now an outing has come up that I really want her to go on’.

We could improve worldwide mental health if we acknowledged that parents can make you crazy. Frank Zappa

It is as if backing down or changing from an inadvisable decision will be undermining. This ignores the fairly obvious difficulty of making an inadvisable decision and then feeling you have to live by it. Obviously it is a question of extent as you don’t want to appear vacillating and inconsistent. At the same time, showing that you are free to make mistakes and correct them is important for young people to see. Overall the message is clear – families when they work well have compassionate parents who consult with children before making decisions but who take charge. One example of a family without someone in charge was the family who were concerned that their son was a thief. ‘What is he stealing?’, the family were asked. ‘Our dope plants’, came the reply.

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Consistency Consistency is the ideal. Parents who agree on rules and standards, who convey the same sorts of messages and who value compassion over coercion provide the best foundation for their children’s wellbeing. It is also important that parents are not open to manipulation and work together as a team. Life, however, is not always so simple and we all know from sad and sour experience that parents cannot always be consistent. Sometimes parents have different value systems or can’t agree on a consistent way to handle particular areas. In these situations a second possibility is for one parent to take charge of a particular area. This is not the most desirable solution but it is better than having parents in conflict over management issues, or worse – undermining one another. In single-parent families or where parents are separated the same principle applies.

o Te a ch T h e S ki ll s O f S e l f-e s te e m Families that work well seem to praise one another a lot. Compliments are made, positive efforts are commented on. Optimism is in the air. Even in these families, though, teenagers still shrug and say ‘yeah, Mum’ or ‘yeah, Dad’ whenever a compliment is made. Teaching the skills of self-praise is useful. One way of doing this is to ask questions extensively about any achievement or accomplishment. Ask questions like: ‘How did you do that?’; ‘How come you did so well in that test?’; ‘What did you do?’; and ‘Have you been doing homework behind my back?’. At first they may think you are accusing them of cheating, but these questions force the teenager

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to account for his or her successes and by providing answers to you, they can learn to praise themselves. When all of the praise is in your language, they can dismiss it. When they have to explain their own achievements, they have to put it into their own language and when they put it into their language, they own it. These skills are also important for performance at school. Students with high self-esteem attribute their successes to their own efforts and those who are not resilient often attribute their successes to luck or chance. We need to be careful to maximise the self-esteem of both boys and girls. I’m not sure why it happens but often we hear parents (and teachers) say to girls who are not good at a particular subject, ‘Don’t worry – you’re good at other subjects’, while they more often tell boys that they need to work harder, to stop slacking around and that if they worked harder they would get better results.

High self-worth means being able to respond to people but not be defined by them. Virginia Satir

Families when they work well also teach children the skill of optimism. This is the ability to explain successes in such a way that they are caused by the person, reflect ongoing abilities in that person and link to other strengths the person has. Basically, optimists take credit for the things that go right in their lives and tend to shrug off negative events as the result of external factors. Pessimists blame themselves for what goes wrong and explain most positive events as the result of external forces such as luck, fate or other people. For example, if a young person succeeds in getting a good mark for a piece of work, it could be explained optimistically as:

‘I really used effort and imagination to get that mark and I guess I am pretty good at school after all.’ Families When They Work Well 33

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A pessimistic way of explaining the same event would be:

‘It was good luck the teacher was in a good mood when she marked the essay and that she missed some of the errors I made.’ In the first, optimistic explanation, the cause of the high mark is due to the young person’s personal ability which is seen as a permanent part of their character and may apply in other settings. The second, pessimistic statement explains away the success as being outside the person’s control, due to temporary circumstances such as luck and the teacher’s mood and something that may only occur in the right situation: the person has no power to influence the outcome. Similarly, in dealing with setbacks such as failing to play a musical piece well – optimistically:

I haven’t had the time to practise playing that piece well and I will practise more before trying again’. Pessimistically:

‘I can’t play the guitar’, ‘I’m tone deaf’ or ‘I’m stupid.’ In the first, optimistic statement, the setback is explained as temporary and changeable, whereas in the second, pessimistic statement, it is seen as being due to a permanent, enduring failing on the part of the person. While optimists can be a little blind to their own shortcomings, it is probably better for children to learn to become optimists. It is a skill that can be taught. The way that parents explain the successes and setbacks in their own lives strongly influences the way their children develop optimism or pessimism. Self-esteem is not only about learning how to acknowledge when you have done something well but also how to set in place strategies to improve your performance next time. Families who foster selfesteem certainly celebrate achievements and successes, but it doesn’t

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stop there. Children may be asked how well they would like to do next time. How they plan to do as well as they would like to. What it will take to get that kind of result and how they would feel if they actually managed to achieve that. One of the keys to having high self-esteem is to have a skill or talent or ability identified in the late childhood/early teenage years and for parents to make a bit of a fuss over this skill. This is particularly powerful if it fits in with an interest of the young person’s and they can be encouraged to set goals to improve that skill even further. Success at a part-time job can also be valuable in building selfesteem during middle adolescence.

I would rather be blind than have sight and no vision. Helen Keller

o Promote Resilience Resilience is the fine art of being able to bungee jump through life. The pitfalls are still there but it is as if you have an elasticised rope around your middle that helps you to bounce back from hard times. Just as individual people can develop resilience, families can also promote some of these characteristics. Some of the key factors that seem to promote resilience in families are: young people having a sense of belonging or connectedness to their family, feeling loved and respected; the family being able to solve problems; minimal conflict between parents when children are infants and, where possible, the absence of divorce during adolescence; and a warm relationship with at least one parent. Young people value their families. Over 88 per cent say they like

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their parents, even though they expect them to set rules that they will disagree with. In fact when asked what was positive about being in a family, young people listed: support, love, security, sense of belonging, company and having fun with the family. When asked what was negative or bad about being in a family they said: fights and rivalry, lack of privacy, no freedom, discipline and rules, and family pressure and expectations. Ten per cent of young people said there is nothing bad about being in a family.4 (See page 134 on resilience for more information.)

The best inheritance a parent can give his or her children is a few minutes of time each day. O. A. Battista

o Know How to Argue Families that work well know how to argue. It seems strange to say this because we all have the sense that families that work well don’t have conflicts. As mentioned earlier, the adolescent years are all about an ongoing debate and without conflict there is no growth. The family is really where we learn to resolve disputes fairly. The way that parents teach children to resolve differences of opinion with their brothers and sisters provides the basis for sharing, negotiating and problem-solving in the world beyond the family. While differences of opinion should be allowed to be expressed, children also need to learn that they will not be able to win at all costs. Parents teach this by keeping an awareness of the importance of the relationship over the immediate issue. The resolution of disputes in a clear and guilt-free manner is important for all young people and especially so for only children.

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This is where parents need to be able to say ‘No’ and be listened to and it’s why families don’t work well as democracies. The general principle is that wherever possible, feelings and opinions should be expressed because then they can be resolved. That is not to say, however, that anything goes. Acts of violence and aggression should not be tolerated in any household and the earlier this can be made clear to all family members the better. The same applies to cruel or extremely abusive language.

There’s a big difference between ‘making a living’ and making a life. Joe Dominguez

Some of the most damaged families don’t know how to argue. Everyone sits around silently, too scared to say ‘boo’. Sometimes parents are scared that any conflict will escalate to the point of violence or abandonment because of experiences in the families they grew up in. As a result of this avoidance of conflict, issues that should have been solved go underground and become bigger issues over time. Allowing disputes or debates to occur in a manner where problems can be talked through is important. The obvious exception to this is in families where there is extreme violence and aggression, where sitting tight and shutting up can be an important survival skill. Children have more energy to put into nagging for something they want than parents have to resist the nagging. Therefore, parents shouldn’t feel as if they need to resolve every issue or that every problem should have a logical, reasoned, rational solution. Sometimes it’s sufficient to say ‘It’s my house and we do things this way’ and to then walk away without explaining further. (See pages 188–189 on temper and anger for more information.)

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M a i n t a i n Fa m i l y C e l e b rati o n s and Rituals Families who preserve family celebrations and rituals such as birthdays, anniversaries and other special events seem to teflon-coat themselves against some of the hardships of life. These celebrations are important in that they give a family a sense of progression through life and act against blandness and boredom. They are also powerful in promoting resilience. Teaching young people how to celebrate life is an important lesson. As a society we are better at intoxication than celebration and we need to help people to learn that they are different things. Despite messages from teenagers that they don’t want their parents to play too large a part in their lives, there is also a message that the less parents constructively involve themselves in their teenagers’ lives, the more at risk the young person will be. This means that at times, parents have to be a bit pushy and insistent. It means sometimes dragging an unwilling and grumpy adolescent along to a social outing – not necessarily for the joy of their company but to broaden their horizons and to teach them how to negotiate the world outside their friendships and family.

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. Anon

Parents sometimes create the small rituals of daily living by organising ‘dates’ with their kids, by having video nights or by taking the time to celebrate their children’s completion of the school year before the report or the final marks come out. One father observed that the great Australian ritual that marks the passage into adulthood is the consumption of alcohol. Going out, drinking too much and throwing up into a gutter seems to be the

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way many young people mark the beginning of their adult years. Observing that most young men go out and get drunk on their eighteenth birthday, this father decided to organise two dinners for his son’s eighteenth birthday. On the first evening all of the men who had been important to his son were invited to a dinner where they spoke about the son and what they liked about him. On the second night, all of the women who had been important in the young man’s life attended a similar dinner. This gave the son a real sense of reaching a developmental stage and being accepted as an adult.5

o Play Fair And Don’t Create Scapegoats Families that work well seem to be able to accept that we all have imperfections. This acceptance reduces the risk of one family member being the scapegoat and so blamed for any problems in the family. When scapegoating occurs you can see children taking on very different roles, with one child being all good while another is all bad. For example, a family may have two children who take opposite roles. One child, ‘Socrates’, runs the school orchestra, excels at school and wears a halo, while another child, ‘Jo’, runs around nicking things, failing at school, and getting into trouble. The problem for these types of families is not just how to make ‘Jo’ less bad but also how to make ‘Socrates’ less good. It is far healthier for families to accept that everyone has both positive and negative aspects.

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Have Beliefs That Take them Beyond Everyday Concerns Parents need to keep their children interested in the outside world. It is important to have something more to believe in than pimple creams, aerobics classes and kilojoule counters. Whether it be religious, ecological or some other cause, families that thrive seem to draw strength and meaning from beliefs that go beyond the day-to-day domestic issues.

o Pa re n t s Are Re l i a b l y U n p re d i c tab l e With young children it is important to provide consistency and predictability. This allows them to feel sure of you. After a while, though, a bit of predictability can go a long way. To teenagers, most parents are about as predictable as a washing machine cycle. It is almost as if they know what you are going to think before you’ve even realised that you are going to think it. It is important to have structure and consistency but it is also useful to act in ways that your children wouldn’t expect. This keeps them interested in learning from you, or least wondering what you are up to. As we’ll discuss later, if your adolescent thinks you are lovable but possibly certifiable you are probably getting it right. The overall pattern in families when they work well is based on a parent or parents who are prepared to be there for their children, to care for them and to show them how to have fun in life. The children are consulted a lot about major family decisions but they do not have the responsibility for making the final choice. That is the parent’s job. Because children do not always get their own way, they have to learn

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to compromise and to be aware of others’ interests. As the parent’s decision is not open to manipulation they also learn that there is no point to fighting dirty, which doesn’t help them to get what they want and often results in them losing privileges. As they have differences of opinion with others, they learn that they are separate identities and this helps to foster their own independence. In turn, this sense of their own identity will help them to consult others and to take others’ interests into account when making decisions in their own lives.6 Perhaps the most important feature of parents in healthy families is that they realise that all of the above is desirable but not always possible and so they look at how to promote good functioning while not wasting energy on blaming themselves for the times when things don’t quite work out as they had planned.

Don’t find fault. Find a remedy. Henry Ford

When all is said and done, families that work well meet the needs of all of the people in the family and no one feels at the end of their tether.

o

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THE TECHNOLOGICAL PARENT DILEMMA COMPUTER USE OR COMPUTER ADDICTION

Mother, Bored Mrs Ladner of Maryborough said that she’d had difficulty communicating with her son since he’d accessed the Internet. ‘The good news is, he wasn’t watching as much television. The bad news is, I can’t see what he’s watching and the phone bill has gone through the roof’, she lamented. ‘Even more worrying is that he’s now got a group of friends that I don’t know. One of his net-friends lives in Russia!’. He just muttered on about bulletin boards and RAM and D&D sites for ages. Mrs Ladner tried everything she could think of – codes to restrict various areas of the net, reducing the amount of time her son could spend on the net. Nothing seemed to deter him. The dilemma, according to Mrs Ladner, and many other parents, is that the net offers so many positives as well as the possibility of so many negatives. ‘Frankly, I was missing him’, commented Mrs Ladner. ‘I was bored’. ‘So I decided if I couldn’t beat them, I’d join them’. Mrs Ladner joined a computer users club, and uses her lunch times at work to write e-mail messages to her son.

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How Much Time Should Young People Spend on the Net?

Meeting a Net friend

Just as television seems to offer the same things that it takes away (friends, neighbours, home and away), computers both add to and detract from young people’s lives. Computer language is wrapped in comforting, homely terms like laptop, software, chat rooms, MUD, and even the country feel of RAM. The Internet offers the best and the worst of everything. As a source of information it is unparalleled in that it is equivalent to having the world’s best libraries in your home. For young people who have difficulty finding likeminded friends locally, the Net can provide a source of friends and social contacts. Most parents worry about access to sites offering pornography and these are easily accessible on the Net. Parents basically have three ways of controlling their children’s use of the Net: sit down with them as they use it; restrict access to sites offering violence and sexual images; or restrict the amount of time young people can access the Net each day. Programs such as ‘Net nanny’ can make sites containing materials that you might consider undesirable less easy to access.

Warning – Paedophiles Use the Net All young people using the Net need to be aware not to give out their name or personal details. Paedophiles use the Net – and are known to lure kids towards particular sites and games by offering prizes. In some instances, additional ‘prizes’ have been offered if the young person agrees to meet with the paedophile posing as a game controller.

There will be times when the idea of meeting a person they have contacted through the Internet becomes irresistible for many young people. Meeting a Net friend should be approached cautiously, regardless of how many times your child has had contact with another person on the Net. There is still no way of being sure that it is safe. Don’t agree to meet at the other person’s home. Suggest a public place as a meeting place. Take an adult or a friend.

Effects of Computer Games It is highly likely that the effect of playing computer games for hours on end in which the player’s task is to shoot and kill their opponents, without any obvious effects such as pain, loss, blood or grief affects the way young people view violence and assault. Most teenagers can differentiate between reality and fantasy. Even so, it is important that they are not permitted to believe that death and assault result in anything but hurt and pain and are unacceptable.

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THE DIVERTIBLE PARENT DILEMMA CONCENTRATION AND ATTENTION DIFFICULTIES The number of young people diagnosed as having problems with concentration and attention is increasing dramatically. Up to 5% of children have attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), which peaks at eight years of age. Many people recover as they get older but about half have some difficulties with attention and concentration as adults.

What is Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder? It is a condition that involves a short attention span, with difficulty in sustained work or play, poor listening, fiddling, distractibility. It may also involve being over-active, highly energetic, restless, unable to settle, and impulsive. While all children show some of these symptoms some of the time, for

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children with ADHD it is as if they don’t have the usual ‘brakes’ that other people have. Associated difficulties may include irritability, frequently interrupting people, poor sleep patterns and being unable to mix successfully with friends. ADHD can be diagnosed by clinical psychologists, psychiatrists and paediatricians.

How is it Treated? While most of the discussion about treatment that you may hear will be related to medication (stimulants such as dextroamphetamine and ritalin are most commonly used), the most effective treatment is

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parent management techniques. Medication can be used but is most effective when combined with parenting strategies. This is not to say that parents of children with ADHD are bad parents or have caused the conditions, but rather that the parents of children with ADHD need special skills to parent effectively. Some hints from parents of children with ADHD are:

•

• • • • •

• • •

Communicate with the school regularly. Many children with ADHD will have runins with other students and some staff, as well as being more likely to have learning disabilities. Let them know if your child is diagnosed as having ADHD. With teenagers, restrict access to alcohol and drugs. Regularly review your parenting practices to see what works. Find a professional who you trust to help you. It is really easy to lose sight of what’s working and feel despairing. When speaking to young people with ADHD, try to make direct eye contact to ensure that they are receiving the messages you are trying to send. As many young people will have peer difficulties, ensure that they have a broad group of social contacts. Involve your teenager in at least one structured activity such as sport, or a youth group. When trying to get tasks completed try to break them down into little bits. Give

•

•

instructions for a little bit at a time. In teaching them complex tasks, begin at the end. When undertaking a project or piece of work, it can help to work out ways to help young people to have a sense of completion. Spend some time of the day attending to the young person without interruption.1

Concentration Training The Watsons were stuck in helping their 11-year-old boy who has ADHD. ‘He spends evenings bouncing around the walls and when he really gets revved up he runs up onto the roof and throws stones at the neighbours,’ sighed Mrs Watson. For two weeks they decided to do nothing. ‘The first decision to make was that what we were doing wasn’t working, so we kept a diary of his behaviour and what was happening when he was calm and settled. We worked out that he focuses well on the computer, so we developed ways for using that as much as possible.’

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THE CONCERNED PARENT DILEMMA DEPRESSION AND THE TEENAGE BLUES How Can Someone Who is Wearing so Much Black be Feeling so Goddam Blue? What are we doing wrong? Rates of depression have doubled in industrialised countries every ten years last century. Depression is becoming more common and is affecting people at a younger age than ever before. Some explanations for this include the increasing demands of modern life being at odds with our biology, others point to our society and say that we are less trustful of other people and more isolated from each other. Other people say television allows young people to compare themselves negatively with a wide range of others.

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Whatever the explanation, depression is one of the greatest plagues of modern times. One in every four young people will experience depression by their 18th birthday. About 20% of those suffer for more than two years. Earlymaturing girls and latematuring boys may be most at risk. There are certain factors that increase the risk that someone will get depressed: having a depressed or alcoholic parent; having a chronic physical illness; experiencing stressful/adverse life events; and abuse and neglect.

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When is it Teenage Blues and When is it Something More? It is worth getting some help if your child or adolescent appears to be depressed. One way to do this is to say, ‘I’m worried about you and I want you to come with me to see someone so that I can work out whether I should be worried or not’. Try to find a good local psychologist, psychiatrist or doctor who can relate to young people.

How is it Treated? Depression is usually treated using a process of therapy in which the young person and sometimes their parents are helped to work out what leads to times of depression, and to change the way they think about events so that they can develop a more optimistic outlook. Some young people will be assisted to develop more positive friendship groups. Others may need medication for short periods, although this is not usually the first form of treatment that should be tried.

My Teenager Doesn’t Want Help Many depressed young people get argumentative when caring and well-meaning parents suggest seeing someone regarding their depression. This is a time that parents may need to be insistent and be prepared to ‘drag’ their teenagers. It is always worth over-reacting rather than under-reacting, especially if a young person is speaking about death.

One way of getting help is to say to your teenager that even though they may feel they don’t need help, you need to help work out how to cope and that is why you are going to ask them to come with you to see someone.

Checklist of Signs: When Should I Worry?

•

Loss of interest in usual activities (their get up and go has got up and gone)

•

Increased use of drugs and alcohol

•

Sleep problems

•

Less energy than usual or agitated and restless

•

Eating patterns change – either disinterested in food or over-eating

•

Speaking about death and hopelessness

•

Increased and inexplicable irritability

If your teenager has any of these signs it is likely that they are experiencing depression and it is worth getting help.1

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THE UNFULFILLED PARENT DILEMMA DIETING AND BODY CONCERNS

Alarming Facts Up to 60% of young women are on diets at any one time. It takes four years on average to treat an eating disorder. The average age a girl starts her first diet is between nine and 13 years. In one study, 70% of Melbourne schoolgirls said they want to lose weight, despite most of 1 them being a healthy weight. Beauty

competition contestants have become progressively thinner since the 1950s. Due to improved nutrition, during the same period of time, young women have become heavier. 48 Raising Real People

Eating Disorders The two most common forms of eating disorder are: anorexia nervosa – which affects 10% of young women and distorts their image of themselves so that they think that they are fat when in fact they may be acutely thin and starving; and bulimia nervosa – which affects up to 3% of young women who maintain average weight by alternately bingeing on food and then purging the food, or

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using laxatives or excessive exercise to not gain weight. Eating disorders are tricky to treat, so don’t wait until you are really worried before seeking help. It’s better to act sooner and unnecessarily than to wait.

Dieting Makes You Fat! What all the magazines that publish wonder diets know, is that diets don’t help people lose weight. Have you ever noticed that some magazines that are half-filled with recipes and half-filled with diets seem to be in the recycling business? People who diet regularly weigh more and have lower selfesteem than non-dieters. On top of that, dieters are more likely to develop an eating disorder. Don’t let teenagers diet!

What Parents Can Do Don’t be obsessive about food and diets yourself. Allow food to be a source of pleasure and eating together at least once a week to be a family ritual. Don’t allow thin daughters to take control of either the kitchen or their own meals. Some eating disorder-prone girls use food as a way to control their lives and in doing so cook all of the meals for the rest of the family. Young women who are perfectionists are particularly at risk, so help young people to feel okay about making mistakes. Help them to deal with teasing about body shape. See the pages on bullying and insults as a guide.

Skinny Milk We live in a culture obsessed by food. For young people trying to succeed in the world, the message is clear: thin equals success. Skinny milks, ‘trim and terrific’ dinners; if we keep this up, we’ll have special meals labelled ‘starved and scrawny’. Economic rationalism has brought us terms like ‘lean and mean’ and we are often being urged to ‘tighten our belts’, equating efficiency with thinness. It is almost as if we are teaching young people that being skinny is more important than being bright, clever, happy or having an interesting personality. While we may be able to do little to reject the ‘thin police’, making young people aware of these messages is useful.3

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THE DISTRACTED PARENT DILEMMA DRUGS AND ALCOHOL

Tune in, Turn off and Drop in! The problem for many parents when it comes to drugs and alcohol and their teenagers, is what to look for and how much to worry. Basically there are three types of drug-using young people: Experimenters: the majority who try out drugs but do not have major problems. Most teenagers experiment with some form of drug. About 70% of Year 11 students drink alcohol, many binge-drinking when they do so. More girls than boys smoke. At least 25% and probably many more young people experiment with marijuana. Socially disconnected: young people who use drugs to gain social acceptance. Self-medicated: young people who use drugs to escape emotional pain and don’t believe they can lead happy or successful lives without drugs. If you feel your child is in one of the last two groups, seek some professional assistance or

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advice. Be firm. It is okay to set rules about drug and alcohol use in your home. It is also okay to be forceful about directing young people towards help if they need it. Drug-using people rarely see that they have a problem. When they need professional help, it is time for you to take a tough stance.

What Protects Young People Against Developing Drug-use Problems? Having the possibility of a fulfilling life is the strongest antidote to problematic drug use that we know. Feeling that your parents love and care for you, feeling that you can fit in at school, and having a group of friends who don’t use drugs seem to be other factors that protect young people. It is not as simple as just

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saying ‘no’ to drugs. If that was likely to work then going to your local shopping centre to hear ‘Have a nice day’ would be likely to cure depression. Feeling connected to others and having a positive meaning in life is the strongest antidote we know for reducing 1 substance abuse problems.

When to Really Get Worried Always try to educate young people about the dangers of drug misuse and to help them make educated choices about the substances they use. Some indicators about when to involve an outside professional are:

• • • • •

when there is drug or alcohol use at school; when there are ongoing school absences due to alcohol or drug usage; when drug or alcohol use occurs when truant from school; when other family members express concern about the young person’s drug use; when there is evidence that the young person is mixing drugs to enhance their effectiveness.

If any of these are occurring, seek professional assistance from a mental health or drugs and alcohol counsellor. Remember – alcohol may be the most immediately dangerous drug for young people.

Should Parents Feel it is Their Fault? There are many factors that lead to young people using drugs. Parents shouldn’t directly blame themselves but should take on the job of helping their child to not develop problem drug-use patterns. At the same time, parents should always think about

the messages their own behaviour gives about drug and alcohol use. Parents should not feel that they need to accept young people’s drug use. In fact, too accepting an attitude may give the false impression that you don’t care. Parents are quite entitled to search for and destroy drugs and drug-related paraphernalia in their homes. Think about the messages you send through your own drug use (including alcohol and cigarettes). Involving children in getting alcoholic drinks for you from the refrigerator or even taking them with you to the bottle shop sends a strong message that alcohol and drugs are acceptable. Try to keep discussions free of conflict. If a young person is using drugs you can be stern and disapproving but it is too late for anger and dramatics on your part. Avoid family conflicts. Ask your child how they think using drugs helps them. Ask yourself in what ways you are showing your child how they can lead a happy and fulfilling life without drugs. There is little point telling teenagers horror stories about drugs, as these rarely work. Some parents of drug-using young people actually purchase the drugs for them on the basis that it helps them to avoid the more negative social side effects of drug use.3

‘Just Say No’ USA anti-drugs message

‘Just do it’ popular advertising message

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CHAPTER THREE

Parenting Practices That Usually Don’t Work

o If you read the word ‘stressed’ backwards it comes out as ‘desserts’. This is the choice you often have. Do you want to be stressed or have your desserts?

One of the unwritten rules of parenting adolescents is that nothing works all of the time. The only problem with this is that there is also another unwritten rule that states that there are not many things that never work at some time or another. For a parent this can lead to a perplexing nightmare in which what works on Tuesday rarely succeeds on Wednesday but probably will be effective again by Friday. One father made the following comment on his teenage daughter:

‘One day I can say “good morning” and receive a smile and some conversation, the next day I try it again and a glare and a shrug is the only response I get. You just can’t work it out. One day I feel like a great dad, the next I feel like the sewer rat from hell.’ 52 Raising Real People

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If a week is a long time in politics, it’s an even longer time when parenting teenagers. The puzzle of ‘what will work when’ can lead to parents just trying to do the same thing over and over again. Just as rats in a laboratory persist longer at a task when they are rewarded unpredictably, parents of teenagers have a similar experience. Never knowing when a particular method is going to be effective, they can become trapped into using methods that don’t work long after their use-by date. There are some parenting practices that won’t work if you use them too often. They may work occasionally but they won’t work if overused. The first of these is the uninvited lecture.1

THE UNINVITED LECTURE Most people try the uninvited or unsolicited lecture at some time and most people speak of having had some success through providing advice or talking about the importance of commonsense. The problem is that once you become accustomed to providing uninvited lectures and have a whiff of success using them, they become damn seductive. Providing the uninvited and unsolicited lecture is a very gratifying event. You can feel like you are imparting the hard-earned wisdom of your years, the hard-learned lessons from the ‘university of life’ and, in extreme cases, you can even fall into the delusion that you are helping your children to avoid the mistakes that you made. There is always a risk, however, of overdoing the uninvited lecture. This creates almost instant deafness in most adolescents. Their brain switches off. Their eyes roll and the whites become visible. The lecture ends up having only one person paying attention – the lecturer themselves. Sometimes we all fall into the trap of thinking that if we repeat the lecture with more oomph, or louder or more dramatically, that the message will get through. Sadly, this is rarely true. If you find yourself providing the same lecture over and over again, tape them! You can say to your teenager, ‘Here, listen to a

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quick word from the sponsor’. The lectures will be just as effective and you’ll be a happier person! By taping your favourite lectures and playing them to your teenager you not only have the pleasure of knowing that your hard-earned knowledge is being passed on, you will also save hours of unproductive time.

Things We Can Learn from Dogs #1 3 Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joy ride.

A P P E A L I N G F O R L O YA LT Y A N D COMMONSENSE This approach – appealing for loyalty and commonsense – which again suffers if you overuse it, involves saying things like ‘after all I’ve done’ and ‘look how desperately worried I am’, or ‘anyone with any sense’. Occasionally, you will have a sense that this approach succeeds when the young person complies with your fears and concerns for a while. Generally, however, young people simply decide that you are a panicked parent who needs to get a life and they begin to try to hide the concerning behaviour from you. Parents who have tried this approach often combine it with uninvited lectures about the dangers of travelling alone on public transport, smoking, not doing homework, or walking around streets at night. While these are valid areas of concern, if appeals for loyalty and commonsense don’t work, try something else. There is not a lot of point in doing more of what doesn’t work. Some Australian fathers have an interesting variant of this, in which they never take direct responsibility but deflect ownership of the concern and worry on to their spouses. They cross their arms, look serious, place their weight principally on one foot and look wistfully at their child then say, ‘Think about what it will do to your mother’. That doesn’t work either.

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Things We Can Learn from Dogs #2 Allow the experience of fresh air and wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.

SELF-SACRIFICE/SELF-DENIAL This is the myth that it is valuable to put your own life on hold for the sake of the children. It is as if we say to ourselves, ‘If I run myself ragged and be the busiest taxi driver alive, at the end of the day I will feel such a great sense of personal well-being that I will be able to teach my children how to enjoy life and truly see that success is worth having’. The great problem with this is that children learn how to live mentally healthy lives from seeing people around them living lives that are characterised by spontaneity, curiosity and fulfilment. The world is filled with invitations to sacrifice yourself and to become a stress warrior. If you want to be a martyr, parenting can be the career for you! It is important to draw yourself back from the domestic day-to-day existence every now and then to recapture the big picture – to re-connect with the essence of life and to remind yourself of those aspects that are really worth striving for. Our culture is so bound with subtle invitations for self-sacrifice that many of them almost become invisible. My Mum used to say, ‘Don’t eat that! I just cooked it’. For a while I thought she must have been cooking for someone else living in the house that I didn’t know. Many people grew up in homes where there was a common instruction not to use the ‘good scissors’. Why not? If they weren’t for cutting, what were they for? Others heard their parents say things like ‘Don’t go into that room, I just cleaned it’. Another example is the ‘good dishes’. Around the country, there are thousands of dishes that are so good that they can’t even be brought out at Christmastime. Think about all the good dishes around that are never, ever used. What are you waiting for? The implicit message in telling children to eat the bad fruit or the

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stale biscuits first or not to eat the biscuits kept aside for the guests is that they always have to endure the bad to find the good. While this in itself is not necessarily a problem, occasionally it is important to break out in life and go for the good things in life first.

Things We Can Learn from Dogs #3 When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.

ANSWERING YOUR OWN QUESTIONS The real menace in dealing with a five-year-old is that in no time at all you begin to sound like a five-year-old. Jean Kerr, Please Don’t Eat the Daisies

Just as it is with five-year-olds, communicating on a regular basis with a 15-year-old can have an interesting effect on people. They may begin to shuffle and shrug. Conversation may descend to the odd grunt mixed with an explosively defiant statement. This is a surprisingly easy trap to fall into. Tired of waiting for an intelligible response from a grunting and shrugging teenager, many parents find themselves cutting out the middle stage and answering their own questions. You can even end up having entire conversations in which only one person speaks. You can find yourself making statements like, ‘You know you shouldn’t laze around all day, don’t you?’. It becomes more and more tempting to speak for them or to fill in the gaps or to try and second-guess their intentions. The great danger is that young people will just become increasingly noncommunicative, creating a type of silent paralysis in them in which they are unable to directly express what they do want. It is far better to wait, silently, for their response and not to take ‘dunno’ as an answer.

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D O I T S P O N TA N E O U S LY ! Occasionally you hear parents say ‘It’s not enough to have her do her homework, I want her to want to do it’, or ‘It’s not enough to help me clean up, I want you to do it willingly’. Give it a break! Just enjoy the fact the teenager will do it, don’t go into major analysis about it.

Things We Can Learn from Dogs #4 Let others know when they’ve invaded your territory. DOING THE SAME THING OVER AND OVER AGAIN Persisting with approaches that don’t work is pointless. If you try an approach and it doesn’t work, try it a couple more times but then if it still doesn’t work, try something different.2 Generally it takes time away from solving the problem to think of fresh approaches, something we’ll discuss in Chapter 6 on ‘Parenting adolescents’.

NOT FIGHTING There is a time when every parent wants to head for the hills to get away from the battles they are having with their adolescent children. The emotions that are created around this time are a heady mixture that can be painful and confusing for parents. It is tempting to give up, to allow them to do what they want because it is too hard to do otherwise. Draw breath by all means, rejuvenate yourself, develop different ways to handle problems, but don’t leave the battle unless it threatens to become physical. It is important to make a pact with yourself: never, ever, ever, believe anything a teenager says in the heat of a family argument.

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Teenagers can and do say the most heartbreaking, soul-shattering things to parents in the midst of a battle. They are yet to learn to soften their tongues to assert themselves appropriately and if you start taking on their personal accusations and attacks to heart you will end up a neurotic mess. Don’t believe the personal attacks they make in an argument. If need be, follow it up later, when things are calmer. Parents need the maturity to look beyond the battle to the big picture: the relationship and why they decided to become parents in the first place. The conflict is about a young person who wants to define him or herself in opposition to you. This is a battle for identity. To successfully complete this you need to be around to battle with. (Just plan a few good times away from it all to compensate.) At the same time, parents need to be very careful not to allow battles to become physical. Physical fights between parents and teenagers are damaging. Teenagers can push buttons. In the heat of the moment they can lose all sense of perspective and say the most hurtful things and raise issues that can be devastating for a parent to hear. They don’t have the maturity to know that you don’t have to win at all costs.

There are times when parenthood seems nothing but feeding the mouth that bites you. Peter de Vries, Tunnel of Love

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THE DEEP VOICE PARENT DILEMMA FATHERS – YOU ARE IMPORTANT IN WAYS YOU DON’T REALISE Australian Kids Say What They Really Want From Their Fathers The most important role of a father, according to young people, is to teach them how to live life.1 This is followed by care (22.7%), just being there (20%), love (13.3 %), discipline (10.7%), and security 10.7%. ‘Not enough fathers praise their kids but mums do,’ said one young person. A good relationship between a father and his child involves: talking (37.3%), loving (21.3%), trusting (21.3%), respect (18.7), friendship (18.7%), understanding (16%) and guidance (8%). What fathers can do to improve their children’s well-being: Be helpful Communicate Love Time Teach Active involvement in their child’s life Security Money Respect

45.3% 42.7% 29.3% 28% 21.3% 18.7% 13.3% 12% 8%

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‘Knowing when not to stick their nose in and also knowing when they are needed’ is also important to young people. Sixty-four per cent of young people believe that fathers should be involved in their children’s education by helping with school work (20%) and going to parent-teacher interviews (6.7%).1

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Australia’s Fathers Tell How ‘I hardly saw my father, so how would I know how to be a good father?’ asked one father. ‘If I took all the messages I got from my father, the lessons would be: never talk about feelings, don’t praise kids in case they get a big head, dispense smacks every so often and, when troubled, fold your arms, place your weight on one leg and say grimly, “Think about what it will do to your mother”. That was all the fathering I ever got. ‘So when it came to parenting my kids, I was up the proverbial creek without even a sniff of a paddle. My partner keeps looking at me as if I should know how to be a father, but really I know less than she does.’

Non-custodial Fathers Need to be More Than Entertaining It’s tempting when you don’t live with your kids to make every access visit party time. Taking kids to the movies and filling them full of junk food seems to be an easy way to be a loved father. As one young person commented, ‘When you live with your Dad you often want less contact and more freedom but when you don’t live with your Dad you usually want much more contact’.

Read to Your Sons as well as to Your Daughters Children often speak about the importance of their fathers in inspiring an interest in particular areas of the world outside the family home. This includes reading. So if you want your daughters and especially your sons to be literate and to read widely, show them how. Read to them and let them see you reading.

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THE FEARFUL PARENT DILEMMA FEARS, WORRIES AND OTHER ANXIETIES From the Age of Aquarius to the Age of Anxiety So you’ve just spent an hour or so worrying about your child. And you think you’re the only one? Without knowing it, you’ve joined the club of panicked parents. On any weekday morning you can see the effect of fear on our society as parents drive their children to schools that were thought to be conveniently located when they moved to their current house. Increasingly, fears of kidnapping, molestation and worse have resulted in families retreating into their homes. 1 A survey of 111 country families found that parents’ fears ranged from stranger danger to safety in the home while the

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parents were out completing farm duties. In regard to older children, worries were safety issues on the road and on public transport, isolation when home alone and peer pressure resulting in risk1 taking.

What Teenagers Think Parents Worry About Young people were asked in a survey to list what teenage issues they thought parents worry about.2 They thought the teenage issues you worry about are: drugs, education, alcohol, peer

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influences, safety while socialising, kids having sex, kids committing crime, pregnancy, violence, kids making wrong decisions, immorality, opposite sex and diet. Interestingly, their children’s happiness is not one of the things they thought parents worried about.

Australian Worriers Club The Australian Worriers Club wishes to announce its concern that members are not paying their annual fees. Mr Tudor of Albury said today: ‘If this trend continues we won’t be able to hold our version of the desperate and dateless ball – the annual ‘Poor and Paranoid Dinner Dance’.’

Some Battles Need to be Fought Head On At least a third of young people worry3 and it may be that worrying is helpful in preparing people in case bad things happen to them. However, too much worry can stop kids doing new activities and ‘having a go’. It is useful for parents to show kids how to overcome fears and worries where it is possible and safe to do so. As children get older, their worries become more specific and more complex. Before they reach school age, children tend to worry about imaginary and supernatural threats such as monsters, as well as separation from parents. Early primary school kids worry mostly about threats to their physical well-being, but by late

primary and early secondary school the worries shift. At this stage, young people are more likely to be concerned about their social standing with peers, and their level of ability at school and other activities. Just wait until they become parents themselves – then they’ll know what worrying is about! By late secondary the worries change again.3 What young people say they worry about at this time includes: school work (51.3%), school (44%), family (39%), their future (32%), friends (29%), the opposite sex (18%), their appearance and image (12%), work (12%), sport (7%) and their self-esteem (6%).

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THE FRANTIC PARENT DILEMMA FIGHTS – LET’S SPEND THIS FIGHT TOGETHER

Hats Off to Mudgee Wudgee Doo! Mr and Mrs McGann of Mudgee Wudgee Doo were tired of watching their family squabble and niggle the same old way. ‘About as predictable and as exciting as a washing machine cycle’, sighed a tired Mr McGann. Over several weeks, the McGanns embarked on a plan that would either see their children call the authorities to have their parents certified or would change the family forever. The so-called ‘Mudgee Wudgee Doo Plan’ is as simple as it is cunning: 1 Draw a map of your house and place this on the refrigerator door. 2 For one week take note of every fight and make a note of where it took place on the map on the house. If possible, be seen rubbing your chin and muttering ‘Ah, yes, another one’. 3 Under no circumstances explain your actions to your children.

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4 Intervene in disputes as little as possible during this time. 5 After a week or so, note down your family’s style of arguing. Some families are ‘free-floating fighting families’ who argue down the hallway, through the kitchen and out into the bathroom, while others like to argue just in one room. 6 Continue marking down fights on the map, but start following your arguing family members around with a tape recorder. Tell them you are doing a research project and ask them to speak more clearly into the tape recorder. (Your teenagers will hate this.) 7 Finally, announce that the family should have a fighting time and place and recommend that this be in front of the television when your children’s favourite show is on.

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Warning! Healthy Families Fight! It may seem surprising, but healthy families have arguments. In fact, if there is no conflict there is no growth. It is the way they fight rather than the fighting itself that makes the difference. Keep in mind the following points when family arguments arise: 1 It’s better out than in – it is better to have a disagreement about an issue than to leave it smouldering away where it can go underground and form into resentment or sabotage; 2 Fight fair – arguments are often hot issues but rarely are they do-or-die (even if it seems so at the time). Argue to win by all means but keep an eye out for your long-term interests. Your relationship is more important; 3 The resolution must be seen by all to be just (if not agreeable). 4 Violence is never acceptable. 5 Parents have the final say.

Teen Shock: Parents Popular In a report issued today, it has been found that 88% of teenagers actually say that they like their parents. They are less sure that their friends like their parents, but they are sure about their own. What this seems to indicate is that on the quiet they quite like you but they are not going to tell their friends. In fact, it’s pretty likely that they are going to bitch about you behind your back. There is, however, no reason that you should feel alone in this. Most say they expect their parents to nag them about homework and school, and over 60% expect that their parents will set rules that they disagree with. Teenagers say the main positive aspects of being in a family include: support, love, security, belonging, company and fun. The negative aspects of families are: fights and rivalry, lack of freedom, discipline and rules, pressures and expectations. Ten per cent of teenagers say there is nothing bad about being in a family.

Umpire’s Rules Questioned Pandemonium broke out in the Sibling Rivalry Cup yesterday when the umpire (known as ‘Mum’ to her nearest and dearest) invoked an offside rule and sent both players to their bedrooms for the duration of the second half. Intense questioning regarding the visual abilities of the umpire to ‘see what she did to me’ and counter claims of ‘he did it first’ resulted in a suspension of play. We can only await the tribunal hearing as video evidence has not been made available.

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THE SOCIAL PARENT DILEMMA FRIENDSHIPS

Friendship Skills Most Important The ability to get along with others and to work as a team member may be more important in determining success than intelligence, school marks or level of schooling.

Friendships Contribute to Resilience In a survey of young people, getting along with peers was rated as an essential factor in young people’s wellbeing. Research tells us that having at least one positive friend with meaning in their lives, having a broad sphere of social contacts, belonging to a group who do not equate risktaking and delinquency with identity, and having friends who can legitimately access resources are powerful protective factors for young people.

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How Parents Can Help Children Develop Friendship Skills Children who don’t seem to be able to make friends often rely on their parents to provide social contact and as a result they may develop ‘adult interests’ that may alienate them from their peers. It is quite a dilemma for the parents of these young people, because spending more time comforting a child may make them even more reliant upon a parent but if they’re not taken out, they mope around the house looking miserable. Ideally, involving children and teenagers in some form of club or sport is helpful, as is ensuring that

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they have a broad range of social contacts. This is especially useful if children are encouraged to participate in a wide variety of social groups while they are still at primary school. This will help to protect them against bullying and loneliness if they lose some friends during their early teen years.

Show Them How Mrs Lim of Hope Valley spoke of her revolution. ‘I knew that it was expected that parents would become their children’s taxi driver. I even had one of those car stickers: “Warning – Bored Parent On Board”. I was so worried that my children wouldn’t make good friends and I spent so much time running them here and there, that I forgot to show them that I can make friends too. They hadn’t seen me go out in years and the reason was simple – I hadn’t been out for years. So I invited my daughter to go out with me. She was so shocked she agreed. She wanted to know where. I said it’s a surprise. I took her to a play. I loved it. She hated it and told me how daggy my social interests were. “Get a life” was her basic sentiment, so I did. Occasionally I still invite my teenager along but I figure if they never see me have fun, how else are they going to learn to do so themselves?’

Loss of Friends Girls often become more upset over disputes with friends, while boys may be more likely to angrily accuse the person they are arguing with. For both, however, the loss of relationships can be quite devastating.

Checklist •

Do your children get to see you doing social activities with your friends?

•

Do your children get to see you make up with friends if there has been a difference of point of view?

•

Do your children see you mix with other adults who you do not know well?

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THE AWAKE PARENT DILEMMA GETTING YOUR TEENAGER OUT OF BED

Theories Abound – Answers are Rare! Ever noticed that your teenager develops selective deafness whenever you call out ‘wake up’ to them in the morning? You are not alone. Theories about why teenagers seem to sleep more in the mornings abound. At first glance this might seem like a small issue, but Australian parents rate this as one of their biggest and most frustrating issues. A seasoned expert and parent, Mr Williams from Waratah, puts it down to all the growing they do. ‘Maybe they just need more sleep, and since they are maturing they won’t go to sleep earlier so they stay up later and sleep in later. Or maybe they just have better dreams than

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anyone else and can’t bear to tear themselves away. Either way, it’s a frightening thought,’ shrugged Mr Williams.

Weather: The outlook for today is some early morning obstinance in relation to getting out of bed. Storm clouds should pass, providing a calm and sunny day. A short thunder-burst around homework time should be expected. Take shelter.

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15 Ways to Wake Your Teenager 1 2 3 4 5

6 7 8 9 10 11

12 13 14

15

Play your old records at full blast. Invite their friends over for breakfast. Get a dog to jump on their bed. Get a larger and scarier animal to jump on their bed. Scream ‘get up’ very loudly, tape record this over and over until you have a continuous tape. Place tape recorder outside their door and creep away. Ice packs. Tickling. Turn up the radio. Have the family breakfast in their bedroom. Remove their bed and replace it with a hammock that can be lowered easily. Sneak into their bedroom and change the time so that it appears as if they are hours late for school (a once-off thing). Impose a fine for every minute you are running late. Remove the blankets. Come into the room and start an interesting conversation about anything and don’t stop until they get up. Just give up and let them face the consequences of not getting up.

Teenager Wakes Early – Experts Called to Investigate! In stunning news to hand, a 15-year-old has been reported to have woken early. When questioned, the still-groggy teenager was heard to mumble, ‘Don’t know what came over me – I must have thought it was the weekend or something’.

The Magic Cooked Breakfast in Bed Show Ms Fraser of Killiecrankie had tried everything. ‘I was so frustrated. He wouldn’t get up, we’d be late for school, and every morning it was the same old battle. The bond between my adolescent son and his mattress on a school day morning had the strength to rival super-glue. We would always start the day with me yelling “get up!” and his response completely under-whelming me. Eventually I realised that only one of us felt that getting out of bed on time was important – and it wasn’t him. So I started cooking great breakfasts and bringing them to him. It went against all of my principles, but it worked.’

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CHAPTER FOUR

Teen a gers and Families Through Time

o We are but an earring to the left of our parents and they are but a haircut to the left of theirs. Things of Stone and Wood

You are 14 and on holidays with your parents. A gorgeously desirable object of your dreams spends hours by the pool every day. You lurk in the water, like a lovelorn, dumb-struck crocodile. Trying to appear nonchalant, you leave the pool each day looking like a cross between a prune and the Elephant Man and you don’t summon up the courage to say hello until the last day of your holidays. You are 16. The invitation-to-die-for has just arrived. Promises of social success and romantic potential waft through your head. You rush to the mirror only to watch a slowly erupting lunar landscape travel across your face. It helps to have a good memory of what it was like to be a teenager: the delights, the dilemmas, the disgust and the disdain. Imagine waking up to find yourself to be 13 again – except this time you know what is going to happen. For some of us this would be our worst nightmare.

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In an attempt to help you regain some of the sense of the drama that is necessarily involved in being a teenager, let’s look at how teenagers and families have changed over the years.1 In some ways, being a teenager today is very similar to how it’s been for decades, but in other ways it is as different as slide rules are from laptop computers. Similarly, the pressures and expectations placed on families are substantially different to those in times past.

THE BIRTH OF THE TEENAGER The word ‘teenager’ originated in the 1940s with the ‘bobbysoxers’. The term ‘adolescent’ was in usage but it wasn’t until the late 1940s and early 1950s that the term ‘teenager’ gained popularity. In the years following the Second World War, Australia awoke to a world that was very different. Superficially, the world returned to the pre-war years, but beyond the social veneer something fundamental had changed. The food remained much the same as families tucked into rainbow cakes and sponges. Sunday roasts were followed by endless dishes of cold meats and shredded lettuce in the following days. Mondays were for washing and the heating of the copper was a weekly ritual.

Things We Can Learn from Dogs #5 Take naps and stretch before rising. The post-war years brought with them an increase in leisure. In 1948, the standard weekly hours decreased from 44 to 40 hours for most workers, and the Friday and Saturday night ‘flicks’ were a social phenomenon. Live theatres were also popular and featured vaudeville, comic shows and musicals such as ‘Kismet’, ‘Paint Your Wagon’ and ‘Annie Get Your Gun’. Town halls were the settings for community singing and dances. Radio shows remained popular and announcers such as Jack Davey and Bob Dyer were celebrities.

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Teenagers were able to find a wider variety of social outlets than ever before. Rather than being specifically for their age group, most social activities required that they join with a society rejoicing in the end of the war. Rollerskating and ice-skating rinks were also popular in the late 1940s and early 1950s and at times these venues were the sites for gang territorial disputes. But it was the nature and culture of Australian society that was changing. The presence of cashed-up American service personnel during the war years had fashioned the social ambitions of many teenagers. Young women were attracted to the clean-cut, carefree Yank and it was not uncommon for young Australian men to feign an American accent in the hope of increasing their chances in the dating stakes. The late 1940s also brought increased European influences, with the early waves of refugees, or ‘reffos’, as 110, 361 people emigrated to Australia between 1947 and 1951. These refugees were to have a fundamental impact on the eating, drinking and social habits of Anglo-Australians in the following decades as a mixture of egg, water and flour shifted from being simply unmentionable to spaghetti to pasta to noodles. Imitating the affluence of the Americans became an important social factor. In the late 1940s the first ‘bodgies’, with their zoot suits and greased hair styles, were seen. ‘Widgies’ were young women with wedged shoes, white ankle socks, below-the-knee gaberdine skirts and bobbed hair. Together they listened to swing jazz and danced the jive and the jitterbug.

The younger members of our community are not different from what they have always been ... At the time of the world when there were only two young people, Cain and Abel, one of them was a delinquent. Lord Aberdene, The Observer, 25/2/68

The first Holden appeared in 1948, instilling in Australia’s teenagers a desire to own a car, even though many of them would

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end up buying motorbikes or pre-war American cars such as Oldsmobiles. Young people were quick to see the possibilities inherent in the car as a mobile form of private space. The sexual potential was entrancing. This fervent rush towards mobility was perplexing to the parents of teenagers in the 1940s, as many of them had never owned a car. For young women, the expectation was that they would only work until they married. ‘Populate or perish’ was a common theme and the 1940s saw the beginnings of marriage at an earlier age, with 49 per cent of women aged 20–24 marrying, compared with 31 per cent in 1933. The birth rate increased in the late 1940s and early 1950s, creating the baby boomer generation who were to dictate fashions and youth culture for decades to come. Society was all too keen to shake off the hardships of the war years. Rationing was only gradually reduced over the post-war years (sugar in 1947 and clothing and meat in 1949) and petrol rationing ended after a hearing by the High Court in 1949. In 1949 Robert Menzies came to power after the Liberal and Country parties formed a coalition that was to provide the basis for a political dynasty that was to rule uninterrupted for the next 23 years. The big band sounds of Glenn Miller and Tommy Dorsey held sway and the dance steps of the young largely conformed to those of their parents. In 1949, the 45 rpm disc replaced the 78 rpm disc and made the charttopping, single record of the next decade much more accessible. For many Australian teenagers, the New Year’s Eve that brought the decade to an end may have been a bit tame and fairly well supervised but the outlook of full employment, high wages, a promising disposable income and the prospect of increased mobility promised a time of possibilities in the years ahead.

TEENAGERS IN THE 1950s The early promise of the fifties was that the world could be saved by science and technology. Labour-saving devices promised increased leisure time for householders. Home ownership and car ownership

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increased dramatically throughout the decade. The nation that was riding on the sheep’s back had its own car, the Holden, in which to travel about. Mobility increased as the railways expanded. The promises of being saved by science and bedazzled by gadgetry contained within them a deeper shadow. The silver cloud had a lining of paranoia. Just as Australia could sit back on the beach and try to get to the pub before 6 p.m., communism and the ‘yellow peril’ were invoked to stop the locals from getting too comfortable. National service was reintroduced in 1951. Inflation increased and the annual rate reached 22.5 per cent in the March quarter of 1952. The Cold War years brought with them the fear of invasion by non-Caucasian people from the north and the basis for the White Australia Policy was probably only too accurately summed up by one politician who said ‘Two wongs don’t make a white’. Just when society started to focus its sights on the ‘enemy’ – the communists – it found there was a new front to fight – its own young people. Teen films began in 1954, with the bikie gang leader who roared onto the screen with terrifying speed, flaunting his death-wish and sexuality. Teenage audiences cheered him on. ‘The Wild One’ (1954) and ‘Rebel Without a Cause’ (1955) reflected society’s concern with juvenile delinquency. When ‘Rock around the Clock’ was released in 1955 as the theme song of the film ‘Blackboard Jungle’, teenagers were truly a commercial force to be reckoned with. In 1954, the Women’s Weekly trialled a supplement entitled ‘For Teenagers’. In the mid-1950s a number of factors collided to impact on this new teenagership. The first drive-ins meant that car ownership became even more important, with its additional meaning of being directly linked to romantic and sexual opportunities. The introduction of television in 1956 threatened both radio audiences and cinema admissions over the next few years.

Kids haven’t changed much, but parents seem increasingly unhappy with the child-rearing phase of their lives. Penelope Leach, 1988

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Television introduced shows to cater for the new teen audience. American culture was imported in shows like ‘77 Sunset Strip’ and, initiated in Australia, pop music shows such as ‘The Hit Parade’, ‘Teenage Mailbag’, ‘Six O‘Clock Rock’ and ‘Bandstand’ appeared. These were fairly sanitised family viewing. Despite early fears that radio may die out, disc jockeys such as John Laws, Brian Henderson and Bob Rogers became powerful in determining the music played in Australia. Families didn’t change a lot during the fifties and this was mirrored in the clear sex role differentiation in films from that decade. The pure, strong male figure was presented in films like ‘Ben Hur’ (1959) and ‘Samson and Delilah’ (1950). For male adolescents, success as depicted in these movies was a combination of righteous values and physical strength. Role models for female adolescents were much more passive – as portrayed in the juvenile roles in ‘The Sleeping Beauty’ (1959) and ‘Peyton Place’ (1958) – suggesting a return to the role of housewife for women who had experienced role empowerment during the war years. The independent heroine of the 1940s disappeared in the 1950s, with the sole exception of Katherine Hepburn in ‘The African Queen’ (1951). However, the seeds of a greater acceptance of female assertiveness and sexuality is implied in films such as the female lead in ‘South Pacific’ (1958) and ‘Some Like It Hot’ (1959). The food eaten by families remained fairly British in its origins and local fare included puddings, soups, scones and corned beef. Women were largely excluded from the pubs but could often be seen having shandies handed to them by their menfolk as they sat outside in the car with the kids.

o

Top-selling Australian songs of the late 1950s: 1958 – The Pub with No Beer – Slim Dusty 1959 – Bye Bye Baby – Col Joye and the Joy Boys

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The teenager attending a New Year’s Eve party at the end of 1959 would have listened to Elvis Presley, Buddy Holly, Jackie Wilson, Pat Boone and Little Richard, hearing white versions of Afro-American rhythms. As a source of disquiet in the community, but also as a member of a consumer group which was containable, the teenager was considered a bit weird but safe. Sitting on the back step, listening to the radio or at the local dance, very few could have foreseen what was about to erupt – sexual, educational and financial freedoms beyond their wildest dreams.

Parents are sometimes a bit of a disappointment to their children. They don’t fulfil the promise of their early years. Anthony Powell, A Buyer’s Market

TEENAGERS IN THE 1960s In the early 1960s, teenagers were safe, carefree, quirky and fun. There was an increasing emphasis on bodies, bikinis and sex, rollicking away to rock-and-roll; a fantasy of a life without problems. Teenagers were depicted as good-looking, middle-class and, well, a bit too nice for their own good. Between 1962 and 1964 ‘mod’ clothes became fashionable and the ‘in’ shops were frequented. Mass clothing production techniques made teen fashions more accessible. Things were becoming ‘fab’. Fashion became increasingly potent as a source of adolescent identification. In 1965, Jean Shrimpton shocked the Melbourne racing crowd by wearing a mini skirt at the Oaks Day Meeting. The sixties were a time of fondues and progressive dinners. The only thing progressive about these dinners, however, was that people became progressively more drunk. Musically, Australia was changing, initially in the surf clubs, with singers like Little Pattie, Billy Thorpe and the Aztecs and The Wild Cherries. The Beatles toured in 1964, to rapturous acclaim. Many

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claim to have seen the Beatles when they came to Australia – very few say they heard them. Pop songs started to examine issues beyond romance: Barry McGuire’s ‘Eve of Destruction’, the Beatles’ ‘Nowhere Man’, the Rolling Stones’ ‘Mother’s Little Helper’, and of course, Bob Dylan’s ‘Blowin’ in the Wind’ and ‘The Times They Are A-Changin’. Locally, bands like the Easybeats, Normie Rowe and the Playboys, The Seekers, Axiom, Chain, The Master’s Apprentices, and Tully and The Loved Ones found a hungry audience.

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Top-selling Australian songs of the the 1960s: 1960 – Tie Me Kangaroo Down, Sport – Rolf Harris 1961 – I’m Counting On You – Johnny O’Keefe 1962 – I’ve Been Everywhere – Lucky Starr 1963 – Bombora – The Atlantics 1964 – Poison Ivy – Billy Thorpe and the Aztecs 1965 – Shakin’ All Over/Que Sera Sera – Normie Rowe and the Playboys 1966 – Step Back/Cara Lyn – Johnny Young and Kompany 1967 – Friday On My Mind – The Easybeats 1968 – Sadie (The Cleaning Lady) – Johnny Farnham 1969 – The Real Thing (Parts 1 & 2) – Russell Morris

The assassinations of political and human rights leaders in the USA, and tensions over the Vietnam war and race relations foreshadowed a social change. By the mid-sixties, it all changed. Gone

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were the innocent, carefree teenagers shown in ‘Gidget’ and other films and in their place stood a group of young people who were questioning the very basis of society. In the fifties when the motorcycle hero roared into town he was working-class and delinquent. In the sixties, as in ‘Easy Rider’, he was middle-class and about to challenge society from within. During the mid-sixties, the education of young people often exceeded that of their parents. The expansion of tertiary education and the shortage of labour meant that young people could choose to delay having a career. Apprenticeships were plentiful, as were jobs in retail and business. The 1960s were a time when the pursuit of individual knowledge, experience and awareness were combined with collective social action; for example, Timothy Leary’s edict to ‘Tune in, turn on and drop out’. Sixties films were populated with characters who were portrayed as maladjusted and deviant without explanation. In this way women were shown to have gained the right to sexual expression but in the process were depicted as amoral, sex-starved, neurotic or psychotic. The two films that best contrast these positions are ‘The Sound of Music’ and ‘The Graduate’. Later, teen films of the 1960s shifted towards greater sexual freedom, protest, diversity of experience, psychedelia and a greater emphasis on the individual. Hedonism was promoted in the form of spiritual discovery or searches for knowledge and insight. These were portrayed as ends in themselves. Difference from adults and the past were popularised through concepts like ‘the generation gap’. Go-Set became the music magazine of a generation as psychedelia introduced the drug experiences of rock writers and musicians to a younger audience.

Some men see things as they are and say ‘Why?’ I dream things that never were and say, ‘Why not?’. George Bernard Shaw (later adapted by Robert Kennedy)

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The sexual revolution shifted relationships between men and women as never before. With women in charge of their fertility, through the introduction of the contraceptive pill in 1968 and the increasing availability of abortion, young women looked forward to a world with more options and possibly more anxieties than they had ever had. The marriage law which required women to give up positions in the public service upon marrying was lifted in 1966. Equal pay cases for men and women started in 1969 and continued through the early 1970s. Couples continued to marry quite young but the definition of ‘family’ was becoming narrower. There were divisions between parents and their children as increases in the education, mobility, affluence and independence of young people helped exacerbate the ‘generation gap’. The availability of contraception, abortion and sexual freedoms initiated the rethinking of gender roles. ‘Hair’, described as ‘a hippie tribal rock musical’, was being performed in major cities around Australia, and many parents took their adolescents to see the show as a type of rite of passage for both. ‘Tommy’, the rock opera, was also released at this time. ‘GTK’ was introduced in 1969, giving Australia, for ten precious minutes before ‘Bellbird’, its first national rock show. The anti-Vietnam movement developed into a wave of protest as moratoriums swept the city streets. Inspired by student protests in Paris in 1968, people made the Vietnam war their central point of focus. The deaths of prominent rock stars Jimi Hendrix and Janis Joplin, combined with the prospect of being called up for national service, seemed to reinforce the need for young people to live life to the full now. The teenager attending a New Year’s Eve party in 1969 could be excused for thinking that they were on the brink of the Age of Aquarius. As the music of the Beatles, Stones, Cream and The Who played in the background, drugs and sexual freedoms seemed to abound. The teenager was more likely than those of previous decades to have parents born outside Australia and regardless of what the parents thought, this must have seemed like the ‘lucky country’.

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It is not because things are difficult that we do not dare; it is because we do not dare that things are difficult. Seneca

TEENAGERS IN THE 1970s Australian teenagers of the early 1970s seemed to experience more of the sixties spirit than those who were actually adolescents during that decade. The protests in major cities that marked the end of our involvement in Vietnam were huge gatherings. Festivals at Sunbury and Ourimbah introduced the ‘Woodstock’ experience to Australians and served as a baptism to hippiedom. This was the decade of pampas grass, Afghan dogs, pants suits, moselle, chicken marengo and everything on toothpicks. The ‘beef and burgundy set’ barbecued and celebrated their way towards the highest rate of divorce the country had yet seen. By the late 1970s, sprouts predominated and an inner-city kitchen shelf wasn’t complete without the mandatory jar of juvenile alfalfa sprouts. To the tune of the campaign song ‘It’s Time’, the Australian Labor Party came to government, promising a change of social agenda. Germaine Greer published The Female Eunuch and brought feminism to the masses. A generation seemed to be about to have its say. The Counter-Culture and communes were an intoxicating invitation to Australia’s young and not-so-young to consider alternative lifestyles. A new left-wing intelligentsia popularised daring journalism and an Australian sensibility from their bases in Carlton and Balmain. Newspapers such as Nation Review and Digger, with writers like John Hepworth and cartoonists like Michael Leunig, portrayed a whimsical, gentler, alternative lifestyle. David Williamson’s play, and subsequent film, ‘Stork’, revelled in Australian humour and student life. Musically and socially it was a time of diversity. Bands such as Madder Lake and the Lah de Dahs played alongside the Captain Match-box Whoopee Band and Lobby Lloyd and his Coloured Balls. Alison Durbin was Queen of Pop. The Skyhooks album ‘Living in the

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Seventies’, released in 1974, announced a new Australian content in song lyrics.

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Top-selling Australian songs of the 1970s: 1970 – In the Summertime – The Mixtures 1971 – Eagle Rock – Daddy Cool 1972 – Boppin’ the Blues – Blackfeather 1973 – I Am Pegasus – Ross Ryan 1974 – Evie (Parts 1, 2, & 3) – Stevie Wright 1975 – The Newcastle Song – Bob Hudson 1976 – Howzat – Sherbet 1977 – You – Marcia Hines 1978 – Are You Old Enough – Dragon 1979 – Up there Cazaly – Two Man Band

In 1974, the television pop show ‘Countdown’ was introduced and became a Sunday evening national compulsion for Australia’s teenagers. Coinciding with colour television, ‘Countdown’ did more than broadcast music, it dictated tastes and broke new talent – as Molly would say: ‘Do yourself a favour, get this record’. Most Australian teenagers did, and groups such as Abba became popular (a popularity that increased in the retrospective 1990s). The first youth radio stations such as 2JJ went to air in 1975 with the banned Skyhooks song ‘You Just Like Me ‘Cause I’m Good in Bed’. In the 1970s, the first wave of substantial changes to the Australian family began. Divorce rates peaked in 1976 following the introduction of the Family Law Act in 1975. Most, however, decided to re-marry and the great surge in blended families occurred in the 1970s. In 1968, only one in eight marriages involved partners who

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had previously married. By 1978 this had increased to one in three of all marriages. The nature of acceptable relationships was also changing. The traditional family confronted a barrage of challenges. De facto relationships became more common in this decade as people experimented with relationships. Gay Liberation and the Women’s Liberation Movement challenged traditional concepts of family life. By the mid- to late seventies, society seemed to recoil from the waves of social changes. The switch to FM radio brought with it the often bland LA sound. Socially it was a time when the establishment in the USA was under threat – a president was impeached, the economy was at the mercy of oil-producing nations and America had lost its first war. Very few teen films were made and those that were had an abundance of villainy and a lack of heroes. This changed in the late 1970s with a new portrayal of heroes such as those in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ and ‘Star Wars’. Throughout the seventies, the television show ‘M.A.S.H.’ captured vast teenage audiences. It was as if, after the dirty, failed war in Vietnam, society was trying to regain some sense of honour through sacrifice in the role of Hawkeye Pierce. After the chaos of the late 1960s – sexual revolution, drug usage and increased emphasis on hedonism – the late 1970s mirrored the 1950s as a time of reclamation, government control, the fear of economic failure, and international warfare. In addition, changes to family life, and indeed the speed of change, made making films about realistic situations difficult. This is evidenced by films such as ‘Grease’, ‘The Rocky Horror Picture Show’, ‘The Blues Brothers’ and ‘Tommy’. Just as there was a risk of everyone descending into a Californian sentimentalism, the first discordant sounds of punk rock were heard, reawakening a generation. The Sex Pistols, Iggy Pop, Patti Smith, The Ramones and, locally, The Saints, brought grit, shock and protest back to teenagers. AC/DC, The Birthday Party and Radio Birdman were also powerful sources of inspiration for teenage angst and aggression. The teenager attending a New Year’s Eve party at the end of the seventies had reason to feel confused. While listening to a

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combination of the Eagles, the Boom Town Rats, Electric Light Orchestra and The Clash, and drinking spirits and moselle, a sense of hopelessness pervaded. A decade had been spent warning the young of the dangers of population growth, pollution, oil crises, uranium mining and nuclear war. The social action movements of the late sixties and early seventies had stopped. Society had struck a tornado of social change, and adolescents were at the epicentre. Increased youth unemployment, narrowing opportunities, and family disintegrations and reconnections, meant that the voices of many teenagers were lost in the maelstrom. It was only when the rate of social change slowed that teenagers could get a foot (or a mohawk) in the door of social protest. So, sitting listening to ‘Anarchy in the UK’ and ‘London Calling’, the teenager of the late seventies was entitled to think, ‘Now it’s my turn’.

I am an anarchist, I am an anti-Christ ... I want to be ... anarchy … The Sex Pistols

TEENAGERS IN THE 1980s The eighties brought with them the promise of a new consensus and a new Prices and Income Accord, and a recession to go with it. Bob Hawke replaced Malcolm Fraser as Prime Minister in 1983 and again there was the initial promise of a young people’s government. Nationalistic themes were common in Australian music such as Goanna’s ‘Solid Rock’, Midnight Oil’s ‘Beds are Burning’ and Men at Work’s ‘Down Under’ (which became associated with Australia’s successful challenge of the America’s Cup). Pub rock in the form of such bands as Cold Chisel and Hunters and Collectors remained popular. Links between music and social action increased more and more over the decade. The Australian Nuclear Disarmament Party (NDP) formed in 1984 and was represented by a senator following the 1985

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federal election. As well as standing for parliament, Peter Garrett – Midnight Oil’s lead singer – also became involved in the ecological movement through the Australian Conservation Foundation. Many new Australian families stabilised in the 1980s. Materialism and economic rationalism prevailed in the ‘me decade’. Women were active participants in the work force through the introduction of maternity leave, equal opportunity and affirmative action legislation. In the process, women were blamed for high levels of youth unemployment in the early years of that decade. At the same time, tensions in families increased as the empowered and re-defined woman negotiated with the resistant, or bewildered, traditional man. This was the decade in which the avocado came into its own, when baby vegetables epitomised nouvelle cuisine, when spaghetti became pasta, and when vegetarianism (and particularly brown rice and spinach in filo) became a social statement. Vegetarian and Lebanese restaurants joined the already existing Chinese, Greek and Italian eateries, and TV dinners were popularised. Power fashion became popular as dressing for success was sold to the emergent businesswoman. These fashions mimicked that of men and there appeared to be a ‘my shoulder pads are bigger than your shoulder pads’ competition.

I come from a land down under, where women glow and men chunder. Men at Work

‘MTV’ (‘Music Television’) began in 1987, bringing rock music and fashions to large audiences. Madonna became a female icon of power and control, with a rag-doll version of power dressing – black lace gloves, bike shorts and Doc Martens. Locally, female artists became more prominent, with Kylie Minogue shifting from soap opera actor to pop star. Chrissie Amphlett, Deborah Conway and Kate Ceberano exerted considerable clout in the music industry.

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Top-selling Australian songs of the 1980s: 1980 – I Got You – Split Enz 1981 – Counting the Beat – The Swingers 1982 – What About Me? – Moving Pictures 1983 – Australiana – Austen Tayshus 1984 – It’s Just Not Cricket – The Twelfth Man 1985 – Live it Up – Mental as Anything 1986 – You’re the Voice – John Farnham 1987 – Locomotion – Kylie Minogue 1988 – Better Be Home Soon – Crowded House 1989 – Bedroom Eyes – Kate Ceberano

Dance parties became more popular. The Gay Mardi Gras and Sleaze Ball which had begun in 1978 really became a mass event during the next decade. The Recreation Art Team produced mass dance events. Dance would become so popular that a whole music industry was based around providing repetitive rhythmic sounds for it. However, the greatest shift in relationships was caused by the spread of AIDS, bringing with it a backlash against alternative forms of relationship and an increasing emphasis on monogamy. This also meant increasing difficulty for young people wanting to embark on sexual relationships. Courtship was marked by a fear of intimacy. Films depicted adolescent success as equivalent to economic success, with access to fast sports cars and profitable businesses in films such as ‘Risky Business’, and ‘Ferris Bueller’s Day Off’. Compared with films of the 1960s, which promoted self-discovery in its own right, the teen films of the 1980s were only acceptable if they furthered the economic status of the individual. The definitions of success as contained in films of the 1980s are therefore distinctly more limited than those contained in the films of the 1950s and 1960s.

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Youth unemployment and changes in the labour market reduced the access of young people to economic success. By the mid-eighties, the agricultural, mining and construction industries were contracting. In their place came an expanding number of casual and part-time retail positions that led to job insecurity and lack of advancement. Never before had Australia less to offer the early school leaver with manual skills. The suicide rate for young men aged 20–24 years peaked at 36.5 per 100 000 in 1988–90, before declining slightly. The 1980s saw a series of large-budget films catering to juvenile male fantasies (‘Rocky’, ‘Towering Inferno’, ‘The Poseidon Adventure’). This coincided with the Reagan years, in which the USA was seen to attempt to recapture its past glory through simplifying the world into a movie battle between good and evil. Life even began to imitate a space adventure with Reagan’s proposal, Star Wars. The event in the 1980s, however, that most illustrates how life had become just like the movies is the attempted assassination of President Ronald Reagan himself by John Hinckley. Hinckley claimed to be inspired by Robert de Niro’s role in the movie ‘Taxi Driver’ and suffered the delusion that he had to commit a violent act to effect a magical union with actor Jodie Foster. Hinckley’s choice for his victim was the President who also happened to be a former movie star. Even Reagan’s comment to his wife, Nancy, upon being shot – ‘Honey, I forgot to duck’ – is a quote from a film. Television inspired the Cave Clan, in which teenagers gathered in sewers and tunnels. This was inspired in part by the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, and was one of the early signs of hip-hop culture. Graffiti became popular in Australia, with artists’ ‘tags’ becoming more and more intricate. Graffiti artists were a competitive bunch and approached their art with all of the furtiveness and sense of purpose of a Second World War resistance fighter. One mark of success was how long the tag you painted on a train stayed before being cleaned. Young people enacted their rites of passage through acts of daring on trains: tagging them, surfing them, and exploring tunnels and underground passages, sometimes with tragic results. Public music became more prevalent with ghetto blasters, portable

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players that were often carried by their baseball cap-wearing graffiti artists. Music became more democratic, with less emphasis on instruments and more focus on scratchers and rap. Interestingly, music was to become much more introverted with the adoption of the portable disk player and earphones in the nineties. In 1988, Australia celebrated the bicentennary of white settlement. Bicentennial celebrations centred on Sydney and fuelled an awareness of Aboriginal Land Rights. Around this time, rap, techno and acid house music began to gain a footing in the dance parties. The teenager attending a New Year’s Eve party at the end of 1989 could not afford to feel too contented. Listening to Public Enemy, Madonna, Prince, the Eurythmics or The Cure, while sipping on a boutique beer, the options seemed enormous, but so did the challenges and the competition. The world had changed dramatically, social change on a large scale was possible, the Berlin Wall had fallen, the threat of nuclear war had reduced, and yet the feeling was strangely subdued and despairing. If a theme song were to be written for this time, its title would surely have to be ‘How can somebody wearing so much black be feeling so goddamn blue?’.

TEENAGERS IN THE 1990s When Douglas Copeland published the book Generation X in the early nineties, a generation was labelled. Copeland points out that by the age of 18 the average nineties child has viewed 350 000 commercials on television. Expressed in another way, the average 18-year-old has spent 160.4 days of their life watching television commercials. The album ‘Nevermind’ was released by Nirvana in 1991, with the ironically titled but instant hit ‘Smells Like Teen Spirit’ announcing a new ‘grunge’ force in popular music, emanating from Seattle and expressing hopelessness. Nirvana lead singer Kurt Cobain’s suicide by shotgun only confirmed the despair. People’s health seemed to become more important in the 1990s. ‘Lean and trim’ pre-prepared meals sold in vast quantities. Mobile

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phones replaced cigarette packets as ‘the’ accessory of the nineties. Young women, however, seemed to be able to cope with both and cigarette smoking has been popularised for young women as a means of appetite suppression and by films such as Pulp Fiction. Even their tampon containers began to mimic cigarette packets. American culture continued to proliferate through basketball, videos and films. Movies no longer existed as autonomous products but were manufactured increasingly as one item in a multimedia package of posters, books, soundtracks, toys and other gimmicky products, such as bubble gum, T-shirts and fridge magnets. Bigbudget films such as ‘Titanic’, ‘Independence Day’, ‘Twister’ and ‘Jurassic Park’ attracted huge audiences. ‘Men in Black’ popularised rap music and hip-hop culture. A re-worked ‘Romeo and Juliet’ gained a cult following, as did the film and play ‘Trainspotting’, with its ironically posed question ‘Who needs life when you’ve got heroin?’. Popular television shows included ‘The Simpsons’, ‘Seinfeld’, ‘Friends’ and, locally, ‘Heartbreak High’ and ‘Blue Heelers’. Cable television offered young people more diversity in their viewing. Social outlets for families had become more diverse as Australia embraced Asian cuisine. In metropolitan areas, the Yum Cha replaced the Sunday roast lunch, and Thai food boomed. People became nostalgic, and trivia quizzes and trivia evenings were popular fundraisers for schools and kindergartens. ‘Homey’ gear – such as baggy pants and sunglasses – was popular. Computers interlinked young people as never before, allowing them to find and communicate with like-minded people. This allowed an increase in diversity and a reduction in face-to-face relationships. Telephone ‘party’ lines offered access to instant popularity, romance and success without callers ever seeing the people they were chatting up. One of the substantial shifts was the change in the types of drugs being used. While ‘skunk weed’ – an enhanced form of marijuana – had been available in the 1980s, during the nineties it became more popular, and more damaging. Inhalants and dance drugs such as ecstasy and amyl nitrate were increasingly used. Nightclubs sold more

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water than ever before as the patrons fought off the dehydrating effects of the drugs and dancing. Heroin re-emerged, as it often seemed to after a generation of low usage levels. The price and purity of the heroin made the purchase of a ‘smack pack’ a convenient and cheap way to get high. Following falling levels of consumption among young people, alcohol was re-packaged and the line between soft drinks and alcohol became blurred through alcoholic lemonades. Dance parties and raves became night-long events. As the title of a television rock show, ‘Recovery’, implied, the party didn’t necessarily stop at daylight. The briefer duration of sampling meant that music was less identifiable as coming from one source and DJs were back in power as they provided house mixes of combinations of sounds. Multimedia was increasingly used, with video images from popular culture and magazines displayed on wall-high screens. Bands such as Smashing Pumpkins, Korn, Nirvana, Pearl Jam, Oasis and the ‘grrl power’ of the Spice Girls ruled the radio. Classic hits formats on radio continued for an ageing group of postadolescents who wanted to pretend that the music they heard when they were 17 was still fashionable. Young people were derisive about this. As one young person asked, ‘What is it about the baby boomers that makes society wrap itself around them like a security blanket?’. This security blanket seemed designed to ensure that a generation never had to feel that they were growing old. Just as President John F. Kennedy’s and John Lennon’s death did decades before, the death of the ‘People’s Princess’ – Diana, Princess of Wales – brought an outpouring of grief and a feeling that a dream had ended. Just as Yothu Yindi’s song ‘Treaty’ popularised the call for reconciliation in 1991, the death of a Princess might increase the groundswell for a republic that celebrates its Aboriginal origins.

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Top-selling Australian songs of the 1990s: 1990 – Mona – Craig MacLachlan 1991 – The Horses – Daryl Braithwaite

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1992 – The Day You Went Away – Wendy Matthews 1993 – Gimme Little Sign – Peter Andre 1994 – Tomorrow – silverchair 1995 – Mouth – Merril Bainbridge 1996 – I Want You – Savage Garden 1997 – Truly Madly Deeply – Savage Garden 1998 – Second Solution/Prisoner of Society – The Living End

Australian families became increasingly diverse – culturally, spiritually and structurally. For some families, parents work longer and longer hours, while in others there is multi-generational unemployment and poverty. Many young people under the age of 19 have direct experience of a culture other than Australian. Almost nine per cent of this age group were born overseas and 37.4 per cent have at least one parent who was born overseas. For the teenager attending the New Year’s Eve parties that marked the end of a century in 1999 (at least from a celebration point of view), and/or again in 2000, whether sipping one of the alcoholic lemonades at a chemically enhanced dance party, or throttling a bottle of bourbon, the world seems a very different place from that experienced by teenagers before. Listening to ‘the artist formerly known as Prince’ sing ‘We’re Gonna Party Like it’s 1999’ for possibly the zillionth time, the adolescent at the end of the nineties is entitled to sigh and feel a bit under-valued by a society that can provide only short-term jobs and requires substantial fees for tertiary education. Increased diversity, options, a wide array of technologies and information sources make the teenager heterogeneous and difficult to classify. Just as ‘feminism’ is a term without a clear meaning, the label ‘teenager’ is beginning to look antiquated, meaningless and quaint.

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The future for these teenagers depends on society’s ability to utilise their skills, to find pathways to success for young people with different skills and levels of schooling, to find ways for these young people to have rites of passage and to engage and involve them in positive life courses. This is the ‘Click and Go’ generation2 with their shortened attention spans and their reliance on first impressions, who hold off on making definitive moves because something better might always show up. Their older brothers and sisters from Generation X adapted to a changing world by becoming cautious in their decision making and were unwilling to make clear choices, but remained comfortable with information technology and the concept of ongoing change. Click and Go have honed this delay of commitment into an art form and use the immediacy of electronic media and stimulation to divert them from longer range issues.

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THE SADDENED PARENT DILEMMA GRIEF AND YOUNG PEOPLE Some Information on Grief and Young People Loss at any stage of life is sad. During adolescence, loss and grief can be especially troubling. At younger ages, children have a limited understanding of death. During the pre-school and early primary school years, they may think it is reversible and assume that if they are good death will not occur. As they age, children gain more understanding. It is often assumed that teenagers have an adult understanding of death, however this is often not the case. While they understand that people die, they may have a sense that it can’t happen to them and that they are invulnerable regardless of the risks they take. Others may romanticise death and fantasise about being with the dead person as if they could revive the relationship so that it would resemble the time before the loss. The same jumbled thinking is often seen in suicidal adolescents who realise that death is forever but imagine themselves as witnesses at their own funerals. Following the loss of someone close, adolescents commonly go through a time of lowered functioning in which their school marks suffer and their diet and physical health may be poor. Some may become depressed and express their sadness through irritability and anger. Others become guilty that they have survived or may develop hypochondriacal concerns, physical complaints, sleeping difficulties, excessive worries about the safety of loved ones, low levels of trust and school refusal. The experience of loss may itself separate young people from their peers. As one young man told me after the death of his parents, ‘All the kids at school seem so dumb, so stupid. They don’t realise that in a moment it could all disappear. I just don’t fit in any more’. This sense of separateness from peers may make them more reliant on family. Try to keep family routines as normal as possible. Continue on with as many usual activities as you can.

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Some Rough Guidelines •

Involve young people as much as possible in the processes around the death or loss and also the arrangements to observe and mourn the loss.

•

People can show signs of grief, sadness and loss for a long time afterwards.

•

Young people can be affected by the loss of people they don’t know directly, such as students at their school, rock stars and royalty.

•

Chronic illness of siblings can cause grief.

is likely to be different from the

issues

that

create

difficulty in the next few months. It is often helpful to concentrate on those things just in front of you. This is not a time for making big plans. Don’t expect people to be over it quickly. Young people particularly grieve in bursts. Don’t let them get away with not grieving but at the same time, let them know

What Parents Can Do

that people who are grieving

If you are directly affected by the death

of the time too.

are allowed to feel good some

yourself, find someone you trust to speak

One of the best times to

to and for your teenager to speak to. Don’t

talk to young people about

let them get away with not grieving. If you

loss is when they are engaged

are grieving yourself, don’t give yourself

with you in an activity of

the sole job of trying to help your

remembrance about the lost

teenager. It may be that they won’t share

person. Ask them about their

their real feelings with you in order to

best memories, holidays and

protect you.

favourite times.

People can grieve for people who are

If you are grieving yourself,

not dead but are effectively lost to them

it can be important to share

through disability, stroke, geographical

some of your own feelings

shifts and loss of relationship.

rather than feeling you have

People often report that what is difficult in the first few weeks or months after a loss

to be the super-coping parent at all times.

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THE GUILTY PARENT DILEMMA From Guilty to Glowing If there is one word that characterises the modern parent, that word would have to be ‘guilt’. Guilt over not enough time, guilt over not enough money, guilt over being too strict or guilt over being too lax, guilt over separations or divorces, guilt over staying too long in an unhappy relationship. It’s enough to make you, well… guilty. The problem is that this guilt misleads parents into crazy ways of making up for their own perceived deficits. Ensuring that children and young people who may have had a hard time in growing up get some special time with you is a good idea, but too many guilty parents confuse compensation with money. Despite what they may tell you, children and adolescents don’t need heaps of money or gifts. Too many of these things can alienate less privileged peers or friends. Other parents try to compensate one child who has experienced difficulty by favouring that child with special attention, outings or favours. Being unfair in a family is no favour and just builds resentment in the other kids. If you feel you need to make up with kids or that you need to compensate for tough times that they have had, do so by showing them how to live life.

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The Successful Parent In research released by Kent, Lane and Olsen today, several qualities have been associated with successful parenting. These include: • being able to leap over tall problems; • having X-ray and multi-directional vision (eyes in the back of your head); • being acutely experienced at interpreting subliminal sounds (so that you can know when things are too quiet); • being able to cure domestic blindness as well as being able to turn a blind eye and the other cheek; and • being faster than a speeding train in resolving sibling issues and, above all, being invulnerable to Kryptonite.

Peace in Our Time An uneasy truce was called today between formerly warring parties. Peace has broken out in the midst of a 25-year-long debate. Never before has so much been done by so few for such an ungrateful lot of little blighters. Basking in the heady sunlight of a newfound peace, Mr and Mrs Henderson sighed with deep satisfaction as they lolled back on their sun lounges and ordered more drinks. ‘It was then that we saw their eyes blink open and a worried expression

cross their faces. ‘What are the kids up to?’, they asked. Why – the answer is simple. They are preparing a wild party. It might still be going when you return!

The Three Golden Rules for Parenting Teenagers According to some seasoned experts, there are three golden rules for successfully parenting an adolescent: 1 Keep them as busy as you possibly can; 2 Choose their friends very, very carefully; and 3 Never believe anything a teenager tells you during an argument.

Weather Forecast: Today: Bleak outlook with thunder before bedtime. Possible pollution in the form of thick smoke from bedrooms. Expect showers to be put off until tomorrow.

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THE BEWILDERED PARENT DILEMMA HOMEWORK

Shock! World First! Student Does Homework – Without Being Asked In an amazing world first today, a Year 10 student was discovered doing homework without first being asked by his parents. His shocked parents, Mr and Mrs Pippingale from Aspendale, are receiving trauma debriefing tonight. Young People Say How Much Homework They Should Do In a survey of young people, 52% believe students should do homework on week-

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1 ends. The amount of homework they expected to do on an average weekday was:

Primary school 20 minutes Year 7 45 minutes Year 8 60 minutes Year 9 1 hour 15 minutes Year 10 1 hour 30 minutes Year 11 2 hours 15 minutes Year 12 3 hours Be warned, however. Young people weren’t convinced that Friday is a weekday. They weren’t too sure about 1 Monday either.

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Work Smarter Not Harder! Mr Gardner of Mount Pleasant developed a cunning scheme. ‘After years of trying to encourage my teenagers to do homework and failing I decided to change my way of approaching the issue’, he said. ‘Each evening began with me interrogating my teenagers with “Haven’t you got any homework to do?”, to which the unwavering reply was always in the negative. ‘Discussions about homework often ended up either as arguments or with me doing the homework myself. I was appalled that my brilliant assignment on pioneers of Australia didn’t score better and was almost at the point of calling the teacher to demand a re-mark before I realised that the wrong person was worrying about the homework. ‘The first thing I did was ban homework after eight-thirty at night and told them that they had from dinner time till eight-thirty to do anything they needed to do. The TV stays off during that time and I don’t say a word. At first they thought I was joking but I said, “No, if you want to fail I won’t be round to support you and I’ve got better things to do than worry about your future.” ‘I’ve taken to collecting travel catalogues and I read and plan desirable holidays during these quiet hours. My teenagers were incensed at my careless attitude and called me irresponsible. It took weeks before any effect was noticeable and I was beginning to feel irresponsible but the parent-teacher night dispelled my fears. My teenagers do the homework and I get to be a parent, not a teacher.’

No Set Rule Scientists today are at the point of isolating the factors that allow some teenagers to study with the stereo blaring, the television on and the radio in the background, while others need total silence.

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THE NURSING PARENT DILEMMA CHRONIC ILLNESS AND YOUNG PEOPLE Just When You Didn’t Need Another Challenge Having a child or teenager who suffers a chronic illness challenges the whole family. A chronic illness is usually defined as one that lasts three months or longer. It may include asthma, immune deficiencies, diabetes, haemophilia, cystic fibrosis, cerebral palsy, muscular dystrophy and cancer, as well as other illnesses. While the physical consequences of the illness are often enough to deal with, it is also important to recognise that children and teenagers with chronic illnesses have an increased risk of emotional problems. Problems with increased moodiness, tantrums, anger and depression, and lowered self-esteem are fairly common, as are increased anxiety and neediness. Adolescents can be unpredictable beings at

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the best of times and chronic illnesses often amplify these effects. Non-compliance with medical treatments, such as refusing medication, or an unwillingness to reduce risky behaviours (such as cigarette smoking) are fairly common. It is wise to consult your health professional about these issues, as they are often very experienced in these matters. Teenagers sometimes become very territorial about their illness, wanting to control who knows about it. Often underlying is a fear that they will lose their position with their peer group. As much as possible, allow them to control what is said about their condition without letting them become isolated from their close friends and peers at school.

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Ideas from Parents Who Have Gone Through it •

Expect regression – people suffering chronic illnesses often act younger than they are and become more demanding.

•

Expect

moodiness

–

illness

increases

irritability and emotional sensitivity.

•

Expect that normal family life may not function as smoothly as usual and try not to overload the family with social outings. Be more prepared to say ‘no’ to invitations – people will be forgiving and understanding.

•

Set small goals with children – rather than talking about how good it will be when they

Effects on Brothers and Sisters Expect that siblings will ‘act’ up a bit every so often and let you know, in no uncertain terms, that they have needs too. It is inevitable if you have a child with chronic illness that occasionally the other kids will feel like they are missing out. This is where support can be so important. It is also important to keep an eye out for the sibling who is being ‘too good’ or is taking too much responsibility. Often, these young people react very emotionally at some time during the illness and they risk developing depression.

are well again, it is useful to discuss what can happen when a particular stage of treatment is completed.

•

Try to keep as many aspects of life as normal as possible. This is usually not a good time for big changes such as moving houses or going away on long holidays.

•

Some people are not able to understand that your child is ill. Try to accept that they just can’t do this rather than getting angry with them.

•

Anticipate that you will need some support. While the martyr theme of ‘how can I take a break when my child is ill?’ is common in parents. You do no one any favours if you end up falling apart yourself. Even if it is only for a short break of an hour or two, say ‘yes’ to the offers of others occassionally.

Other Effects

Illness can affect self-esteem and it may be some time before your child regains confidence. Most chronic illnesses affect schooling. Where possible it is best to keep young people in contact with their schools, even if it is only the infrequent meeting or to attend for the class photo. Home instruction can be set by schools. Effects can occur later after the illness has been stabilised or resolved. Many families find that there is a catch-up time after the intense phase of an illness in which either other family members fall apart or conflict erupts. Get some support. It is too big a job to do alone.1

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THE ENVIOUS PARENT DILEMMA JEALOUSY

Jealousy Saps Self-esteem In most of us a green-eyed monster lurks, ready to make light of our talents and achievements as we look at what others have and compare ourselves negatively to them. Jealousy robs us of our belief in our own self-worth. It is important to teach teenagers to accept that other people can have talents and abilities in the world without it necessarily diminishing their own selfesteem or their status in the eyes of others.

Where Do They Learn it? Mrs Hutchins of Woodstock said her kids were always bickering and envious of others’ achievements. ‘I love them all equally and couldn’t understand

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it until a friend told me that I was always comparing myself unfavourably with other people. Up till that point I’d always assumed everybody else had a wonderful family with happy, well-adjusted children. ‘Everyone else was the perfect mother and I was the only failure. Without realising it, I was teaching my children how to compare yourself with everyone else and come off the worse for it. So, I stopped. ‘The next time they started bickering I told them “You are both as good as you can be and I love you tremendously”. They looked confused. So I added, “and I’m a great mum”. They think I’ve gone a bit strange but they don’t compare themselves unfavourably with others as much.’

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Some Demons Need to Be Fought Head On Mrs Zanotti of Bathurst related that her daughter used to come home from school complaining that she was not as good as Sally at school work and that Sally was the teacher’s pet. ‘I told my daughter that she was just as good as Sally but she couldn’t hear this,’ she sighed. ‘After trying to comfort and reassure her without effect, I realised I was wasting my time. So I tried something different. I decided to confront the issue head on. The next time she mentioned Sally I told her that I thought Sally was very talented and very lucky. “How,” I asked, “did Sally get to be so talented? Would you want to be like Sally? What would it take to become talented like Sally?”. She tried for a while to emulate the sensational Sally before deciding that maybe it was better just being herself.’

Weather Report Don’t bother – it’s always better weather somewhere else.

You can’t have everything – where would you put it all? Steve Wright

The Laws of Jealousy Jealousy does not have a sense of humour. Jealousy disregards evidence to the contrary. Jealousy does not like happiness and security. Jealousy is suspicious of your friends’ intentions. Jealousy hates your friend’s friends. Jealousy plays favourites and tells you that everyone is loved more than you. Jealousy is never satisfied or convinced. Friendship, love, laughter, praise and self-congratulation make jealousy sick. Jealousy always thinks there is a hidden agenda. Jealousy tries to tell you that life is a party but that you haven’t been invited.

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CHAPTER FIVE

The Ages and Phases of Parenting

o Your basic extended family today includes your ex-husband or wife, your ex’s new mate, your new mate, possibly your new mate’s ex, and any new mate that your new mate’s ex has acquired. It consists entirely of people who are not related by blood, many of whom can’t stand each other. Delia Ephron

If the way we view teenagers has changed over the years, the ideas we have about parenting have taken a dramatic turn for the better in the past few decades. Looking at what was considered to be acceptable – or even desirable – parenting in the 1940s and comparing it with practices today provides a stark reminder of how our values have shifted. ‘Spare the rod and spoil the child’; ‘Children should be seen but not heard’; ‘Don’t tell them how good they are or they’ll get a swollen head’; and ‘Too big for their boots’ were sayings in fairly popular usage up until the early 1960s. While they may not have been believed by the majority of parents, sayings and attitudes like those above played an influential role in many people’s lives. We now pay more attention to praise than punishment, to love and laughter rather than boundaries and rules. Even so, too many children have too much time out and not enough time in.

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Despite many positive trends, parenting has become largely invisible in our society. The invisible parent is neglected in our society’s rush towards better jobs, higher promotion and a leaner, meaner, faster and nastier world. Longer working hours, smaller household sizes, and social isolation all contribute to this invisibility. Many parents live such rushed lives that they never get the opportunity to discuss ideas and approaches with other parents. Even if they did find the time, many would be reluctant to openly discuss their parenting practices for fear of being judged negatively. This has brought about an uncomfortable situation in which parents are no longer certain whether they are doing a good job and fear that if they talk about their practices they will be criticised. This can lead to a type of parenting paralysis. Invisibility and paralysis are not a great mix!

Things We Can Learn from Dogs #6 Run, romp and play daily ..., eat with gusto and enthusiasm. To make things even worse, parenting has been ‘packaged’. Many writers and mental health workers have described parenting as a series of techniques which, if correctly applied, will result in happy children. Terms such as ‘positive parenting’, ‘quality time’, ‘the one-minute parent’, ‘consequating behaviours’ and ‘tough love’ all serve to devalue the relationship which is at the heart of parenting. As one grandmother told me: ‘If I’d applied all of the ideas of every expert on child-rearing I’ve ever heard, I would have had the most confused kids in town’. So the parent who is experiencing problems (and let’s face it, that is everyone at some time or another), if they are brave enough to mention it at all, is often told that they are giving too much attention to negative behaviours; or that they aren’t following through with consequences; or that they aren’t providing enough positive reinforcement; or even that they care too much.

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It is all too easy to assume that you are the only one who experiences these problems and that your inability results from a failure to attend the right course or apply the right technique. So the isolated and bewildered parent gains information from fewer and fewer sources. Some of the ways they pick up information about parenting include: 1. Their own upbringing, which is fine if it was positive but not much use if it wasn’t; or 2. For those who felt they had poor upbringings, doing the reverse of their own parents, which is tricky in times of pressure when it is all too easy to fall back on old patterns; or 3. The practices of other parents as conveyed by their child in the form of ‘Well, Sally’s parents let her’ – which is rarely advisable; or 4. Parenting as it is portrayed in films, television and magazines. It is not surprising, then, that many parents decide that the task is beyond them – especially when their children reach adolescence – and that it is better to be friends with their teenager at all costs rather than invoking conflict over limits. As mentioned earlier, families do not work well as democracies but rather as benevolent dictatorships. Parents may consult with their children extensively, but at the end of the day the final decision is theirs and they take responsibility for it. This allows children to be children rather than premature adults. Families that try to function as a democracy run the risk of creating a tyrant – the child. Many parents apply standards to themselves that are both unrealistic and out of step with the reality of current trends. The reality of Australian family life suggests a very different view of 1 parenting than that portrayed in the media.

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Don’t worry, it’s just a stage we’re going through. an optimistic but harassed parent

Just as we can think of childhood and adolescence in phases, it can be useful to apply this thinking to parenting and to consider the types of changes that affect each part of that lifelong vocation that we so easily summarise with the word ‘parenting’.

T H E D AT I N G , WA I T I N G , O R M AT I N G S TA G E Even the pathway to becoming parents has an influence on the way Australian family life is viewed. There is an increasing acceptance that many people will live together before marriage. Fifty-six per cent of couples married in 1992 lived together before marrying. The rate of teenage marriage and pregnancy is lower than it has been for many years. In part, this reflects an increased anxiety about the dating process and an unwillingness to commit to relationships as the desire to establish careers or to complete education predominate. This is in sharp contrast to earlier times as discussed in chapter 4. In the 1940s, 1950s and early 1960s, people married in their early twenties and fairly quickly joined a growing band of new parents who benefited from government policies and social attitudes based on the idea of populating or perishing. For many years the expectation was that young women would be in employment only until their marriage. It was only in 1966 that the marriage law, which required women to cease work in the public service upon marrying, was revoked and it wasn’t until the late 1960s that equal wages for men and women were seriously considered.

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CONNECTED OR REJECTED (MARRIAGE/ LIVING TOGETHER AND DIVORCE) Despite the anxieties associated with coupling, white weddings are still popular. Magazines such as Bride-to-Be are part of a burgeoning wedding industry which promotes traditional but consumerist values. The pure virgin bride advocated by these images competes with articles in Cosmopolitan and Cleo aimed at helping young women locate their G-spots. In contrast to images portrayed in television programs such as ‘Weddings’, the way marriage is formalised has changed, with 43 per cent of marriages being conducted by celebrants. There has also been an increase in people who never marry, from 25.4 per cent in 1976 to 30.6 per cent in 1995, and about 8 per cent of couples are in de facto relationships. All in all, marriage ain’t what it used to be. It occurs later in life and its duration is shorter. People’s average age at first marriage has increased from 22 years in 1975, to 25 for women and 27 for men in 1995. The reason that people marry has also changed. In 1971, 20 per cent of brides were pregnant at the time of first marriage. By 1990 that figure had dropped to nine per cent. The average length of a first marriage is currently seven years. Increasingly often, young people are choosing to live in de facto relationships for a number of years before marrying. There are, to my knowledge, no magazines entitled ‘Divorcee-tobe’. Yet, divorce has in itself become a growth industry. In 1972, Gough Whitlam swept to power to the tune of ‘It’s Time’. Apparently, many married couples followed this advice, looked at their partners, and decided it was indeed time – time to leave.

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FROM DINKS TO NURTURERS AND N E G O T I AT O R S The shift from being a ‘DINK’ (Double Income, No Kids), to nurturing children and, ultimately, becoming a professional negotiator can feel like an assault to the career-oriented, older, new Mum or Dad. The emotional battle between staying home to care for babies and achieving self-fulfilment, usually as defined in economic terms, promotes guilt and conflict and requires the negotiation of domestic responsibilities. Over the past two decades, the age at which people become parents has been increasing. The average age at which married women have their first child is now 28. The emergence of career paths for women, advances in the medical safety of childbirth, and contraception have enabled women to delay the onset of motherhood. The image of the socially isolated new mother living in an alienating outer suburb racing to and from child care is not generally portrayed in the popular media. However, the increasing acknowledgment of post-natal depression and the proliferation of mother–baby psychiatric units is a testimony to the conflicting expectations facing new parents. The decline of the close-knit local neighbourhood makes families more socially isolated and forces them to become more reliant on their own resources. The spouse is expected to become the absolute provider of everything – love, sex, security, support, companionship and entertainment. This can be a tall order for anyone. The proportion of married women in the work force has increased from 32 per cent in 1969 to 42 per cent in 1991. Families are often reliant on two incomes, with 51 per cent of married couples having both partners in work. The choice is often between financial strain and domestic strain and guilt. Families are generally smaller and the time frame between children is less so that there is now greater financial and emotional investment in each child and a tendency to expect more of children. The accelerating rate of social change means that the experiences of parents are less relevant to their children, making parenting an even more difficult task.

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This is particularly the case for parents whose expectations were shaped by the affluence and optimism of their own families of origin. Their attempts to match the media image of the successful superparent is often thwarted by now having to care and provide for young adults with limited opportunities and greater demands. Divorce rates peaked in 1976 following the introduction of the Family Law Act in 1975. In the 1980s, an astounding 80 per cent of all legal aid funds was spent on family disputes such as custody battles, maintenance or access orders. Divorce has increased from about 10 per cent before the Second World War to 14 per cent of all marriages in 1971, to 35 per cent in 1991. Divorce occurs earlier in marriages. The highest divorce rate occurs in the 25–29-year-old age group, which is interesting given the age at first marriage. Twenty per cent of divorces are from marriages of less than five years duration. In 1993, 48 000 of Australian children were affected by divorce. As a rough guide, 10 per cent of 10-year-olds and 20 per cent of 20-year-olds will have experienced the divorce of their parents. The main reasons cited for early divorce are: unsatisfying relationships, growing apart and external pressures. Despite the demographics of marriage and its outcome, Australians continue to adhere to a romantic vision of love, happiness and life ever after. Marriage, it seems, is more than a habit, it is an addiction.

R E T U R N T O T H E FA M I LY O F O R I G I N / T H E N O T - L E AV I N G - H O M E S T A G E With the high level of divorce, parents often become psychologically and economically dependent on their own families of origin for support. Single parents are one of the most disadvantaged groups in society. The number of single-parent families doubled between 1969 and 1981. Almost 13 per cent of families are one-parent families. The age of single parents has been decreasing over the past 15 years, with approximately a third now between 25 and 34 years of age. The vast majority of single parents are women with one or two children and about 50 per cent of single mothers are employed full-time in the work force.

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Single mothers generally receive bad press in the media. Unlike the competent single fathers shown on television in ‘Father Knows Best’, ‘My Three Sons’ and ‘Hey, Dad’, single mothers are either portrayed in Australian films as alcoholic welfare recipients or as asexual earth mothers (of which ‘Fran’ is a good example). Following the break-up of a relationship, it is necessary to re-establish social networks. Most often it is the extended family who are relied on for support, if not accommodation. The re-involvement of parents in their own adult children’s marriages and divorces often creates tension. With increasing longevity, there are more grandparents around. Commonly, a grandmother may be living with the family of her own child. Social policy has supported this, with dual allotment living, the erosion of the old age pension, the emphasis on women’s participation in the work force, the absence of tax relief for child care, and the expectation – if not reality – that families require two wages if they want to live comfortably. To some extent, this may be offset by mobility and divorce. Australians are the most mobile home changers in the world and therefore may be geographically distant from grandparents. Also, the rate of divorce means that the relationship between many children and at least one set of their grandparents is often disrupted.

Things We Can Learn from Dogs #9 When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently. The reverse may be true for Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islanders, where loss of authority by community elders through poverty, illness, substance abuse, domestic violence, and racism may result in child rearing being the province of the extended family. In Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander homes, 12 per cent are multi-family households. These families, when compared with non-indigenous families, are more likely to be: single parent (23.4 per cent), supported by a female breadwinner and include extended family members.

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Nevertheless, the nuclear family as we considered it, with its clear boundaries and its structural sub-systems marked by different homes, is disappearing. Some social commentators believe that the extended, multi-generational family may well become the norm in the next few years.

THE ‘YOUR KIDS AND MY KIDS ARE B E AT I N G U P O U R K I D S ’ S TA G E There has been a massive increase in the rate of re-marriage of Australian people over the past three decades. In 1968, only one in eight marriages involved partners who had previously married. By 1995 this had increased to one in three of all marriages. This represents a large increase in the formation of step- or blended families. In Australia, seven per cent of all families are blended families. Approximately 450 000 Australian children live in step- and blended families. Re-marriage gives children three or four parents, as well as step-siblings, often with the consequent issues of allegiances, favouritism, competitiveness, sibling rivalry, and fear of betrayal. Second marriages have a greater chance of ending in divorce than first marriages. In response to this, the re-marriage rate has recently declined. Currently, more people are choosing to live in de facto relationships than to re-marry. This is particularly the case for men.

Things We Can Learn from Dogs # 10 Thrive on attention and let people touch you. Proportionally, it also seems likely that as the children in such remarried families are likely to be entering adolescence, there is a greater chance of them being made scapegoats for the problems arising in the second marriage. Homeless adolescents are most likely to come from blended families and to see themselves as rejected by their biological parent’s new spouse.

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THE RESTLESS YEARS Families and parents are under most pressure when there are teenagers in the house. At times, the possibilities available to the young are idealised and envied by the ageing parents. As their children become more socially oriented, parents experience middle age as a time of redefinition and evaluation. As children become more absent from the home, it is necessary for parents to re-discover each other and to negotiate a future which may include different roles, expectations, intimacy and freedom. The ‘mid-life crisis’ has almost become such an accepted way of viewing the world that we no longer question it intensively. Stereotypically, the father takes up sports cars and secretaries while the mother takes up discussing the inadequacies of males with other women and tennis or ski instructors. This stage can bring a second wave of divorce – 20 per cent of divorces occur at this time. Compared with earlier divorces, the reasons for divorce in this age group are less often due to external pressures and are more related to role changes, infidelity and the spouses’ personalities.2

Things We Can Learn from Dogs # 11. Avoid biting when a simple growl will do. PA R E N T S D E C I D E T O M O V E O U T One starts to get young at the age of sixty and then it is too late. Pablo Picasso, The Sunday Times, 20/10/63

Humans are the only animals to have both in-laws and grandparents. There is an expectation that in the beginning parents will look after children then, as the parents get older, children will take care of them. The vision of parents to have their children ‘free of them’ seems to

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be changing. On one hand there is a sense that adult children may not leave home until an older age or that they may reside with their parents during their adult life for extended periods. This is economic reality! The role of the grandparent is changing.3 Perhaps more than ever before grandparents are directly involved in the day-to-day care of children. This is due to increasing working hours for many parents and the increased number of single-parent families. However, it is older people that will by and large be the only people in society with sufficient assets and manoeuvrability to make geographical shifts. Superannuation, increased retirement options and increased life and health expectancy means that parents of adult children are often the most able to leave home. As the average age of Australian people rises, the media is selling the vitality of older age and is presenting more lifestyle options to this group.

Oh to be seventy again! Oliver Wendall Holmes, at age 87, on seeing a beautiful woman

CONCLUSION Obviously, parenting in Australia has altered dramatically in the past three decades. While the traditional family structure is still applicable to some extent, Australian families are becoming increasingly diverse in composition. If we were to imagine the typical Australian family today it would still be a two-parent family living in a free-standing three-bedroom house in the outer suburbs. The parents would have married in their late twenties, having lived together or with someone else for a few years prior to marriage. They will work up to and after the birth of their first child two to three years later. Another child will follow in just over a year – that’s if the parents stay together. There is a burst of concentrated focus on the children until they go to school and the mother can begin working again. The degree of social connection has also changed. More of us live alone, with 21.9 per cent of households containing only one person, a

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20 per cent increase since 1981. This reflects the reality that many parents do not live with their children and consequently the opportunity for Australia not to be the lucky country but ‘the lonely country’. Marriages and families have become more culturally diverse, with 16 per cent of marriages in 1991 being between one Australian-born and one overseas-born person, and this trend appears to be growing, though it differs for various ethnic groups. The future is uncertain. Many couples will separate and divorce. Some of these will remain single. But most will re-couple. Their extended families will play an increasingly important part in their lives – particularly after separation. Or maybe only until the parents leave home themselves. For the Australian parent searching for external evidence that they are doing well at parenting, there are few yardsticks to go by. Clearly, the diversity of Australian family type and lifestyle means that the structure of the family is a poor measure of the quality of parenting. While no one wishes the experience of divorce and relocation on children, the social realities are that many young people will experience this in their lifetime. It is the quality of the caring, the preparedness to stay interconnected with children and to keep them out of adult relationship conflicts that seems to make a difference. The preparedness of divorced couples to see their roles as parents as ongoing and separate from their interpersonal disputes is vital to their children’s well-being. In comparison with the white-washed, intact, cashed-up families portrayed on television, there are many opportunities for the average Australian parents to view themselves as having failed.

Things We Can Learn from Dogs # 12 When you’re happy, dance around and wag your entire body.

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THE BROKE PARENT DILEMMA MONEY, MONEY, MONEY

A Hot Job, a Hot Lover and a Hot Apartment Teen films often portray success as being related to wealth. Young people get the message that if they want to be successful they have to do so by achieving the ‘holy trinity’ of the material world: a hot job, a hot lover, and a hot apartment. If you are 14 years old in an Australian town, this form of success can be a little difficult to achieve. (If the truth be known, for those of us of slightly more mature years it’s not such an easy goal either.) For this reason, many young people feel as if they never have enough money. 114 Raising Real People

$$$$$ Parenting – The Anti-Pyramid Savings Scheme A cunning scheme that is circulating around local towns and cities is luring people into giving their money away. Simply known as ‘Parenting’, this devious scheme has resulted in people investing thousands of dollars before they know what has happened to them. In an ingenious reversal of typical pyramid schemes in which participants wait till they reach the top of the order before making a profit, this scheme preferentially favours the young and inexperienced.

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Just Give Me Money When Lennon and McCartney wrote, ‘The best things in life are free but you can save them for the birds and bees, just give me money, that’s what I want…’, they could have been making a motto for future generations of young people. There is not much point complaining about the materialism of young people when the average 18-year-old has witnessed 350 000 commercials on television. Expressed in another way: the average 18-year-old has spent 160.4 days of their lives watching advertising on TV.1

Money Makes You Happier? Research tells us time and time again that money doesn’t make people happy. Obviously, poverty places pressure on people and reduces their ability to live a fulfilling life, but once you have enough to survive on, the amount of money you have has virtually nothing to do with how happy you will be.

Money Can Be Too Important Mr Vitali of Mermaid Beach said that while his family were not poor, they weren’t rich either. He and his wife had become concerned about their teenager taking small amounts of money from their wallet and purses. ‘It seemed that how much money the kids got was seen as an indication of how much they were loved. This wasn’t true, but somehow money had come to mean something else again’, he said. ‘So we decided to change the way our kids viewed money. We agreed to give them a two-dollar coin at the least

expected times for two weeks. We didn’t tell them what we were doing. We woke our son up at two o’clock in the morning and gave him two dollars. You should’ve seen the look on his face! In the middle of an argument with our son we said, “Here – have two dollars”. ‘They thought we’d gone totally mad’, he chuckled, ‘but after two weeks the problem was solved’.

Shock as Reality Sets In: Average Age for Leaving Home is Now Twenty-five Years! Daunting news for Australia’s parents today, as the news hit them that the average age for leaving home is now 25 years. That’s not the worst of it, though. After they’ve left they keep coming back, with lovers and laundry. An initiative to help parents who wish to leave home may be set up in the near future. Professional trauma and debriefing centres expect an influx of business today as the horrific news filters through.

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THE PARENT WHO WAITS (UP) DILEMMA HOW TO BE A MOTHER AND STAY SANE IN THE PROCESS

What Young People Say About Mothers When young Australians are asked about their mothers, they tell us that they are the most important people on the planet. They say the most important role of a mother is to be caring and nurturing. ‘Mum is more of a friend, Dad more of an advisor’. The other important roles of a mother are to love (34.1%), just being there (20%), guidance (17.6%), and understanding (8.2%).

(43.5%), understanding (24.7%), love (23.5%), trust (17.6%), care (16.5%), time (15.35%), getting along (7.1%), and laughter (3.5%). ‘Don’t want a mum who wears your clothes and tries to be one of your friends. Want a groovy mum but one who respects her age.’ Young people felt that a mother really needed to have a life for herself beyond her children, partly so she could show them how to live life but also so she doesn’t place too much pressure on them.

‘Want Mum to care and be interested but not over the top. Also, don’t want a mum who couldn’t care where you were.’

‘A mum should have her own time too. Shouldn’t just live for children. Places too high expectations on children then.’

According to young people, a good relationship between a mother and her child involves: communication (which means being able to talk about most but not all issues)

When asked how mothers could improve their relationships with their children, most young people nominated showing or

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expressing love (45.9%), communication (30.6%), just being there (25.9%), teaching young people how to live life (23.5%), understanding (22.4%), being able to spend more time with them (17.6%), security (16.5%), 1 independence (9.4%) and respect (9.4%).

Delayed Motherhood – The Long-term Effects Mrs Rafferty of Mirboo North commented that she had delayed having children until she had established herself in her career and had seen something of the world. ‘What I hadn’t realised’, she said with a grimace, ‘is that by the time they got to puberty, I’d be experiencing menopause. Everyone in the house is going through hormonal changes at the same time’.

Wise Words from Wise Women ‘Never disturb a contented child – you’ll only be stirring up a hornet’s nest of trouble for yourself.’

The following skills are essential: Catering Skills – must be able to produce up to 1095 meals per year (not counting snacks) and show a particular flair for lunches on weekdays; Business Management – able to time-manage, develop supply lists and stocktake, as well as balance the books; Psychologist – a keen knowledge of behavioural intervention strategies, not to mention personal stress management skills; Medical Practitioner – able to diagnose ailments and provide emergency treatment; Professional Negotiator – able to resolve conflicts and to talk people down in semi-terrorist situations; Current driver’s licence – able to negotiate streets as taxi driver, pick up, deliver and wait. This position is more than a job, it’s a life mission. Dedication, patience, endurance and an incredible sense of humour are a must. Salary – Are you joking? Annual Leave – In your dreams.

‘Raincoats are pieces of clothing that allow children to play outside in the rain.’

Situation Vacant An exciting position is available for the right person. Must be a self-motivator who can be available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days per year.

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THE EXASPERATED PARENT DILEMMA MOTIVATION AND OTHER TALES

Nothing Ventured Nothing Lost Mr Stavros was concerned about his five children because they didn’t seem motivated to do anything. After a family break-up the previous year, he had wanted his children to prove how good they could be. ‘It’s a bit like their get-up-and-go, got up and went’, he said despairingly. He talked about how he had worked hard to be the perfect father. All five of his children spoke of being scared to make mistakes. He thought about when his children had ever seen him make a mistake and laugh it off. The answer was never.

Long-service Leave Boredom is as damaging to teenagers as Kryptonite was to Superman. After ten or so years at school, young people, and their parents, are often

118 Raising Real People

exhausted. Schools may give students work experience around this time, but for some that may not be sufficient. Some need ‘longservice leave’ during which they can work for a year before returning to school.

Marijuana and Motivation – Don’t be a Dope There is no doubt that people using regular amounts of marijuana have low motivation. Which comes first is hard to say, but it may not matter. The nasty truth of the matter is that marijuana when used frequently increases young people’s risk of developing emotional problems and robs them of their get-upand-go.

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Whether you think you can or think you can’t – you are right. Henry Ford

You Can’t be a Coach in Your Own Home Mr Grayson of Gawler was exasperated. ‘I coach the local football team and the kids love me, I go to work and manage a vibrant group of people going places. When I come home I try to talk my 15-year-old away from the television. I’ve tried encouragement, persuasion, rhetoric and sarcasm. I’ve tried pleading and wheedling, reasoning and arguing. Nothing works. I was getting worried. I was nagging. I said, “What do you want to do?” He said “Nuthin”. I finally said “Right, you can do nothing on your own time, but I’m going to get you out and about.” So I did, I take him places he can’t believe. Of course he whinges about it and thinks I’m a loser but at least I’m keeping his horizons open.’

Astrological Outlook (all signs): Expect most things to be put off until tomorrow. Go easy on yourself.

Stand By Your Words Mrs Pearson of Ascot Vale said that her teenage son lacked motivation and didn’t seem to think he was good at anything. ‘I’d praise him endlessly but he’d just shrug and it made no difference,’ she said. ‘I’d say “Gee, you did really well” and he’d look at me as if to

say, “Yeah, you’re my mum, you’ve got to say things like that”. One day I got annoyed and said “Well how well do you want to do?”. I am now in the process of managing my first grunge garage band. It may not be my first choice for him, but I reckon I’ve said, “I don’t care what you do as long as you’re happy” so many times, I probably should live up to my words.’

Low Motivation can be a Warning Sign When young people lose interest in normal activities that would usually be fun for them, it can be a sign that they are depressed. Teenagers are more likely to get bored or irritable rather than to necessarily show sadness. Adults lose energy, get teary, eat or drink more or less than usual and talk about being sad. (See pages 153–155 on depression for more information.)

The Fine Art of the Mooch Ms Lynan of Tottenham told a story of yelling at her son, ‘You don’t think you can lie around here all day doing nothing, do you?’. To which he replied, ‘I’m not doing nothing – I’m concentrating on growing pubic hair’.

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THE ENTERTAINING BUT WILDLY ANXIOUS

PARENT DILEMMA PARTIES Planning Is Everything! Parents from across Australia have discussed this issue and a few golden rules seem to be emerging. If your teenager is having a party, stay at home and invite some other adults over as support. Work out an invitation list with your teenager and agree on a set number. Discuss alcohol and whether the party is dry or not. Be clear about this. Discuss rules in advance. If you are providing alcohol, it may be best to stipulate a maximum number of drinks. There should be no BYO. Some common rules are: • No leaving the party and then returning. • No inviting other people who aren’t on the list. • Guests will be expected to observe house rules about smoking. • Some rooms of the house will be off limits. • The music needs to be turned down at midnight (or the party ends at midnight).

120 Raising Real People

• •

•

Parents are not restricted to one area of the house. Keep the size of the party to a reasonable number (30 is a suggested maximum) and try to link parties to activities other than drinking, such as video nights, music nights, billiards, pancakes and popcorn parties. Have a room where all guests leave their bags. This discourages people from bringing alcohol in without your knowledge.

Before the Party If you are worried, consider registering the party with the local police. Think about lighting dim areas of the garden. Place small bowls of snacks about the place. This gives parents an excuse to circulate around the party while re-filling the bowls. Greet the guests and if

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possible get to know them. If alcohol is to be served, set up a central bar and serve drinks in standard-sized glasses. This allows you to keep an eye on those guests who may be becoming overly intoxicated. You may like to set a maximum number of alcoholic drinks. Provide lots of cold, non-alcoholic drinks. Punch can be handy as long as you keep an eye on it!

Gate-crashers Deal with these quickly. Many parents tell horror stories of how this can get out of hand rapidly. Politely ask them to leave and if they decline to do so, tell them you will call the police. Parties are for fun and no one enjoys having their own party trashed or gate-crashed. It is better for parents to be more in charge than teenagers would like before the party, rather than having to come the heavy and stop an out-of-control party mid-way.

The Party From Hell Mr Harrison from Leichhardt told of the horror party. ‘It really was the party from hell’, he said. ‘The twenty teenagers originally invited were joined by over one hundred gate-crashers who brought with them eskies full of grog and who-knows-what else. I tried to ask them to leave but was hopelessly outnumbered. Not wanting to embarrass my teenage daughter too much, I let the party continue. That was my mistake. When the clothesline was toppled and thrown over the fence by a group of people my daughter didn’t even know, the police were called. Before they arrived I asked the invited guests to leave. This only resulted in the party moving to the park across the street and a tearful daughter who told me in no uncertain terms that I had ruined her night. I spent the next few days after the party with my daughter visiting some fairly annoyed neighbours to apologise.’

Recovery Barbecues Mrs Ambrose of Inglewood grew up in the country and said that sometimes country parents know a thing or two that they can teach their city counterparts. ‘The idea is not only to arrange a party but to insist that there is a recovery barbecue the following morning which everyone is expected to attend, along with their parents. Knowing that you are going to be accountable to a group of adults the next day seems to rein in some of the more extreme behaviour,’ she said.

Parties at Other Places Regardless of your teenager’s wishes, check if there is to be adult supervision by phoning the parents of the teenager having the party. Ask about alcohol and types of videos to be shown. Discuss in advance what time they will be coming home. Insist on either driving your teenager to and from the party or having a designated driver. Tell your teenager it’s okay to call and come home early if they wish. Pick up and deliver your teenager. Go to the door to pick up your teenager.

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THE EVEN MORE BROKE PARENT DILEMMA POCKET MONEY

Some Kids Have Damn Big Pockets It is desirable for young people to have some regular money of their own from middle or late childhood onwards. This payment should not depend on good behaviour or on completing chores. The message needs to be that as a member of the family it is understood that you need some money for expenses. Additional funds can be earned or made contingent on behaviour if you wish. However, not all chores should be reimbursed with money, as some active participation in the running of a household without rewards should be expected. Everyone has different levels of income and different standards and therefore it is wise to ask other parents about the levels of pocket money they find useful.

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Pocket Money In a survey of young people, 92% said that they expected to have to do jobs or chores to earn pocket money.1 The rates of pocket money that they felt were appropriate (1999 rates) were as follows: School Year 7 8 9 10 11 12

$ per week 8 10 13 17 23 27

Obviously this varies greatly from area to area, and from family to family.1

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‘They give pocket money for

Budget Announced

responsibility – why should they

The country teeters on the

tell us what to spend it on?’

brink of revolution this evening as family treasurers across the nation announce

The Household Terrorists Mrs Harrison of Pearce said that she first linked pocket money to chores around the house. ‘At first I was pleased’, she said, ‘and then several difficulties emerged. ‘Firstly, the house was either in a pristine state or a squalid mess, depending on my children’s need for money. Secondly, I created a situation in which getting anything done required a negotiation around the value of the job, the expected time it would take to complete, and the perceived work-to-cash ratio. One Saturday afternoon, it took four hours of negotiation and twenty dollars to get the car washed. ‘I told them I was out-sourcing, as it was cheaper to get a cleaner, use a car wash and let the dog take care of its own hygiene. They were outraged and accused me of under-cutting. For several weeks, there was a stand-off. ‘Finally, though, they came around. Now they get a small allowance and are simply expected to help around the house.’

spending cuts that could see the end of the heady days. An Opposition spokesperson commented: ‘They raised us and educated us to have champagne tastes and now they expect us to live like paupers’. Spending slashed: Cigarette

smokers

and

drinkers are expected to be hit hardest by the shock measures. The purchase of CDs and computer games may also be affected.

Word for the Day Teenager A money-hungry, moodswinging, privacy-conscious, late-rising, fridge-clearing, all-knowing power merchant with pimples.

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CHAPTER SIX

Parenting Adolescents: The Delights and Dilemmas

o If you want to be able to have good memories in the future you’d better do something memorable now. Little things count – if there are enough of them. Change one part of your routine and you’ve changed the whole routine.

Contrary to the expectations of many, good parenting requires people to have fun, to enjoy being with one another and to model ways of living well to one another. Unfortunately, none of this happens unless it is planned. Parenting is not highly valued in our community, so if you want to create a positive family environment you will need to be prepared to go against some of the many invitations to ignore this role.

Imagination is more important than knowledge. John Lennon

The myth that everything will eventually quieten down and allow us to catch up and have a time of consolidation is just that – a myth.

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Sadly, for many people life continues to get more and more hectic and this is something that affects children as well as their parents. One way of thinking about this is in terms of the hassled adult meeting the hurried child. So if we are to carve out time for fun, creativity and spontaneity, as well as time to create the families we wish to create, it will be a matter of choice and planning.

Life is what happens when we are busy making other plans. John Lennon

Prioritisation is essential and the worksheet on page 129 can be used to help you think through your priorities as a parent. If you are to achieve your parenting aims, you require a solid awareness of the parenting styles you have inherited through the generations. Think about the type of relationship you would like to have with your children 20 years from now. At its minimum, raising real people is a lifelong project.

You must be the change you wish to see in the world. Mahatma Gandhi

It is all too easy for parents to go ‘missing in action’ as they go out into the world and try to provide for their families. Weighing up financial and family responsibilities is never easy and each parent has to find their own balance. Unfortunately, it is much simpler to pay more attention to the demands of the boss or the company and to pass it off as necessary and essential. To be the parent that you want to be involves thinking about those things you learned as a child that you want to have in your family. Consider the rules you think are appropriate to have. Generally, it is better to have fewer but clearer rules in a family rather than lots of rules that can be changed. Make some clear rules for yourself. What

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would tell you that you aren’t handling things well and what type of support would you seek out? In wanting the best for their children, many parents become surrogate taxi drivers as they rush their children from one class to another, from one social outing to another. While these trips provide valuable opportunities to talk to children and adolescents, it is important not to let the rush from event to event kill off the time you have with your child. The world offers so many opportunities for people to enter your life uninvited. Mobile phones and ‘call waiting’ seem to signify a frenzy of always being available to everyone except the people you are actually with. In his lovely book, First Things First Stephen Covey reminds us that the main thing is to keep the main thing, the main thing. In other words, to keep focused on your main goals and to look for opportunities that will create synergy or areas of overlap between the various roles in your life in meeting those goals (parent, friend, worker and so on). While it is important to do activities that children enjoy, there are also times when young people enjoy being in the company of adults. Therefore, you can create opportunities for taking time with each of your children that also meets other emotional needs. A good example of this is the father who worked as an interstate truck driver. His son was acting up at school and was almost expelled because of his behaviour. When he was suspended for one week, his father said, ‘Right, you’re coming with me’. For a week they travelled across the country, talking and arguing but mainly just spending some muchneeded time together. After one week the son looked at his father and said, ‘Dad, your job is the most boring job in the world’ and agreed to apply himself to his schoolwork in order to get a more interesting job for himself. Children – and especially teenagers – aren’t very demanding. In fact, they let their parents off the hook by pretending that they really don’t want them around. The truth is that generally they don’t want you interfering when they are with their friends but they desperately want you to be someone they can trust and admire.

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Children and teenagers are also not very demanding in that they provide adults with opportunities to engage in seemingly pointless activities. On the surface, play – listening to music, discussing song lyrics, going shopping, watching a movie with them or even sharing a computer game – may seem pretty pointless and unimportant. They may seem especially pointless to parents with important jobs, pressing deadlines and crammed diaries. The problem most parents don’t realise until it’s too late is that you have a choice – do some of the ‘pointless’ mucking-around, hangingout kind of stuff with your kids, or prepare for them to give you some serious issues so that you start paying attention to them. The choice is yours.

If we have no peace it is because we have forgotten that we belong to one another. Mother Teresa

So, on the surface, you can afford to miss time with your children. After all, they don’t make appointments in your diary, they won’t tell you your job is in jeopardy if you don’t show up. But think about it for a moment – if you treated your boss or a client or one of your close friends the way you treat your child or teenager, how do you think they would respond?

o

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Before beginning to fill in the planning sheet, it is worth considering the following poem, ‘If I Had My Child to Raise Over Again’ from the book Full Esteem Ahead by Diane and Julia Loomans: If I had my child to raise all over again I’d build self-esteem first, and the house later. I’d finger paint more, and point the finger less. I would do less correcting and more connecting. I’d take my eyes off my watch, and watch with my eyes. I would care to know less and know to care more. I’d take more hikes and fly more kites. I’d stop playing serious and seriously play. I would run through more fields and gaze at more stars. I’d do more hugging and less tugging. I’d see the oak tree in the acorn more often, I would be firm less often and affirm much more. I’d model less about the love of power, And more about the power of love.

o

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PA R E N T I N G P L A N N E R Self-description The three things I do best as a parent are: 1. 2.

o

3.

My three hardest things for me as a parent are: 1. 2. 3.

The happiest time I have had as a parent so far was when:

The proudest time I have had as a parent so far was when:

The time I was most pleased with how I parented was when:

The one thing I never get around to doing as a parent that I would really like to do is:

If my children could reflect on my parenting so far they would probably say Mum or Dad was always:

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Memories of My Parents The best thing about Mum or Dad was:

The one thing I would have liked Mum or Dad to do more of is:

o

The one thing I would have liked Mum or Dad to do less of is:

In teaching me about life my Mum or Dad really showed me that:

The one thing my Dad/Mum really thought important was:

The one thing my Mum/Dad really didn’t value was:

Personal Background The person who was kindest to me when I was growing up was:

The person who had the biggest positive impact on my life was:

What was it about this person that allowed them to have that impact?

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Family Background (Be warned! It is often easier to say what you don’t want to do than what you do.)

The three things my mother did that I would like to continue in parenting my own children are: 1. 2. 3. The three things my father did that I would like to continue in parenting my own children are: 1. 2. 3. The three things my mother did that I don’t want to do are: 1. 2. 3. The three things my father did that I don’t want to do are: 1. 2. 3.

Personal Future If your children are your future, what sort of legacy do you want to leave?

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As a parent I would like to be remembered most by my children for:

The three adjectives they will apply to me when they remember me angrily will be: 1. 2. 3.

o

The three adjectives they will apply to me when they remember me fondly will be: 1. 2. 3.

My statement for the future I want to do more of the following things as a parent:

The values I want to teach my children are:

In the next week I will do more of:

I will teach my children how I play by:

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So now you’ve set these goals how are you going to achieve them? Every now and then, the chips will be down and you will forget about these goals and the fine intentions you had when you read this book. It has been said that it takes a village to raise a child. The question, of course, is where do you get a village when you need one? Everyone needs support. Single parents and those balancing long working hours and family responsibilities especially need support. In order to maintain these goals you will need to find someone with whom you can share some of your ideas about parenting, someone with whom you can discuss the delights, the dilemmas and the disasters. It is too big a job to do alone. The dilemma pages in this book cover the approaches parents have taken to the many dilemmas that often confront them. Chapter 7 discusses ways you can turn around vicious cycles and negative interactions.

o WHEEL OF RESPONSIBILITY FA

THE

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SE O

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F RN

MOTH

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SIBLI

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PA R E N T

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THE TRIUMPHANT PARENT DILEMMA RESILIENCE AND YOUNG PEOPLE

Bungee Jumping Through Life

How to Promote Resilience in Young People

There are some people who may have awful

1 Try to promote a sense of family

things happen to them but seem to be able

life in which people feel that they belong to the family and that their

to rise above it and bounce back reasonably

thoughts, tastes and opinions are

quickly. We used to say these people were

listened to (if not always agreed with).

hardy and had good self-esteem but it

2 Have positive expectations for

seems that it’s more than that. These people

your children.

have a quality called resilience. Resilience is the ability to bungee jump through life. It’s not that you avoid the

3 Provide them with opportunities for meaningful participation by giving them age-appropriate responsibilities. 4 Select a school that you believe

pitfalls and difficult times, but when they do

they can fit into, and where they can

happen you have skills to cope with them. It

gain a sense of competence.

is as if you have an elasticised rope around your middle that helps you bounce back.

134 Raising Real People

5 Protect children from feeling that they have to grow up too quickly, by maintaining family rules.

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6 Try to keep their friendship groups as diverse as

might

possible and ensure that they have at least one group

situations. Facing challenges and

of friends outside of school.

overcoming them helps young

7 Encourage them to belong to at least one club, sporting group or one interest group. 8 If they have a fairly small group of friends, gently provide them with opportunities to mix with the

be

useful

in

future

people to develop a sense of optimism and competence. It is also useful for people to

most positive of these friends.

see negative events or outcomes

9 If possible, link them up with a caring and

as temporary hiccups in life

trustworthy adult from outside of the family.

that will pass, and to develop

10 Maintain family celebrations, anniversaries,

strategies to have better out-

annual birthday parties and rituals. 11 Try to encourage a sense of a curiosity and spontaneity about life.

comes next time. For example, if a young person were to get a low

12 Most importantly, nourish your own resilience

mark for an English essay or a

and well-being so that you can show them how to

Maths test it is usually better to

live life.

decide to put more work in or to prepare more thoroughly than to come to a decision that you are

Optimists are Deluded but Happy

no good at that subject. Parents play a strong role in shaping the way their children

The skill of thinking optimistically is an

account for their achievements.

important component of resilience. Evidence

Do your children get to see you

tells us that pessimists may be more realistic but

take on challenges even if you

they don’t always make the most of situations

risk not succeeding? Do your

and they aren’t as happy as optimists. The

children get to see you make

ability to think optimistically can be taught.

mistakes and pass it off as

Basically, it involves focusing on the way

temporary? Do your children get

you explain positive and negative events that

to hear you speak of the effort

occur in life. It is healthy to account for your

you put into your achievements?

positive achievements as indications of your

Life is not always about

own efforts and abilities and to see that these

playing safe.

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THE SLEEPLESS PARENT DILEMMA RUNNING AWAY

Leaving Home – in a Rush

Children Run Away from Home for Many Reasons

Most people have had some experience of running away – usually in a huff after some family argument. For the vast majority, this resulted in a packed bag and a few hours away until hunger or darkness took over and they returned. Everyone knows a parent who has said to their defiant child or teenager, ‘Well, if you don’t like it here you can leave’. There are some young people who run away and stay away. These can be divided into: • those who run away by escaping through bedroom windows and basically stay out overnight without parental permission; and • those who leave their homes for longer periods of time.

Having a child who runs away for any lengthy period, or who runs away frequently, causes parents to come to an abrupt halt and take a long, hard look at themselves. While it is easy to become angry with the child, the hard but important question to ask is, ‘What is it about our home that is so bad that our young person doesn’t want to be there?’. It takes a brave parent to ask that question. Sometimes the answer won’t be obvious and you may have to ask your child directly. In other situations, it may be quite clear.

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Young people who run away often see themselves as unloved or unwanted, and running away may be a way of achieving freedom, escape, happiness or a way to draw attention to family problems. Either way, persistent running away is a clear message that a family and a young person is in need of help.

Don’t be concerned about being overreactive. It is better to overreact than underreact. It is important to try to break the cycle of running away as early as possible because if the young person starts to use running away as a way to obtain power the

Checklist

cycle is very difficult to break.

•

Does the young person feel they have a poor relationship with parents? • Does the young person perceive themselves as unloved and unwanted? • Has there been a recent separation or addition to the family? • Does the young person feel like a scapegoat in the family? • Has there been any form of abuse in the family? If the answer to any of these questions is ‘yes’, get some outside professional help.

How you respond when your teenager returns home is very important. Yelling at them will probably be negative, so try to get your own emotions in check before sitting down and discussing with them why they felt the need to run away. Tell them that you don’t believe a family can work this way because it will create too much fear and stress for everyone. Ask them whether they believe that you can sort out the problems

What do I do if my Child or Teenager Runs Away? If a young person fails to arrive home or disappears unexpectedly and this is out of character for them, it is wise to contact the police. You will usually need to attend a police station in person to lodge a missing person’s report. The police will often ask for details such as what the person was wearing, a description of the person (take a recent photo of them with you), places they may go or friends they may gravitate towards.

yourself or whether they think the family needs outside help. As persistent running away creates so much stress for parents, it is usually preferable to have some form of outside help. This is especially important when running away is linked to illegal drug use. With young people who frequently run away, it is worth reviewing

ways

to

promote

resilience – for details see pages 134–135 on resilience.

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THE EDUCATED PARENT DILEMMA SCHOOL

School may be More Important than Education In a society that doesn’t generally promote belonging to lots of clubs and societies, school is one of the few organisations that most young people can feel that they belong to. In surveys of young people1, fitting in and feeling that you belong at your school was thought to be one of the major factors promoting well-being, self-esteem and resilience in young people. ‘School is like a second home ... Like, you spend more of your waking time at school, you see more of your teachers than you see of your parents. You should see it like that – a second home,’ commented one of the students we surveyed, and that was by no means an isolated sentiment. The experience that young people have at school is important not only for their education but also for their well-being. For parents, this means that selecting a school is a difficult task. As parents are most likely to hear complaints about

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their local school, sometimes they fall into the trap of believing that the school closest to them has lots of problems and the school further away (that they don’t hear about) is much more positive. This pattern of seeing the local school in an overly negative light and the more distant school in an overly postive light is a common trap. When we asked young people about the positive aspects of schools, they listed: socialising with friends; particular subjects; learning; being prepared for the future; specific teachers; and the physical layout and facilities of a school including size, location and appearance. The negative aspects of schools that they commented on were: authoritarian behaviour by teachers and students; bullying; the punitive and boring nature of school; homework; the lack of choice over subjects, hours and workload; and specific teachers.1

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Why do so Many Young People Feel that They Don’t Belong at School? Imagine that you had a job that was a bit strange. For some of you this won’t be difficult. In this job, you have many bosses, all of whom come in and tell you to do different things. Management for some reason have decided that the way that you will work best is by moving you from room to room about once an hour. In each room is a different boss with different expectations. Any work that is not completed during working hours will have to be completed in your own time. Each boss doesn’t know what work the other bosses have already asked you to do. You have no say over timelines. Your co-workers are an uneven lot: most are friendly, though there are a few who seem to believe that organisational issues should be sorted out physically. You are unsure of their intentions towards you. You are also unsure whether management would be able to protect you if these co-workers were to take matters into their own hands. What is your likely level of job satisfaction? This, of course, is effectively the position of many secondary school students.

Young People Suggest How to Improve Schools Surveys of young people1 have asked them how schools can be improved. Consistently, they suggest increasing the sense of control and participation that students can have, and providing more choice over what they can learn. Specifically, they suggest: • offering a wider range of subjects; • making schools friendlier;

•

making work easier (more time, adapt assignments); • supporting students and providing respect and understanding for students; • improving teachers’ attitudes; • making school more interesting – changing curriculum; • more choice over subjects/ student involvement; • providing more practical work; and • giving responsibility to the students to improve the physical appearance of the school.

Big Fish, Little Pond Effect It is better for many young people to feel as if they are big fish in a little pond rather than a little fish in a big pond.2 This is important in determining their level of self-esteem. For this reason, the size of the school and the feel of it are important. Do you feel you can trust the school? Do you feel they will listen to you if you have concerns? Does the school seem reasonably calm or does everyone look like they are being pushed around? The selection of the right school for your child is one of the most important decisions you will ever make for them. See also pages 142–143 on school transitions.

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THE HOUSEBOUND PARENT DILEMMA SCHOOL REFUSAL

I Don’t Want to Go to School Some young people find themselves feeling fearful of going to school. School refusal affects about 5% of all young people and seems to peak: 1 at school entry, when it is usually about separating from parents; 2 at about 11 years of age, when it seems to be related to changing schools, developmental issues relating to growing up, being bullied and feeling unsafe at school, and, for some children, anxiety; 3 in early adolescence at around 14 years of age, when depression, anxiety about academic performance, perfectionism, social worries and hopelessness about school are more common causes. Traumatic death, loss or injury may also influence school refusal at any of these times. Sometimes parental illness, depression or marital separation and divorce may also cause school refusal.

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Often the child fears parents may be harmed while he/she is at school and stays home in order to prevent this.

Approaches if Your Child Refuses to Go to School School refusal usually sneaks up on parents. Your child appears a bit off-colour and doesn’t feel up to going to school. Being a compassionate parent, you allow them to take a few days off. Your suspicions grow as your child doesn’t seem to become more inclined to go to school. Before you know it you have a problem on your hands. It’s time to act. Don’t delay. 1 Phone the teacher, year level coordinator or school counsellor for advice. Do not ask your child for permission to do this.

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2 If you feel squeamish about contacting the school, ask yourself why you are sending your child to a school you don’t trust. (If you really don’t trust the school, change schools.) 3 Agree on a plan to get your child to school (regardless of how many tears they may shed or how grimly they grip their mattress). 4 Enlist support – in two-parent families both parents may need to take a morning off work. Single parents may need to ask extended family or teaching staff to help. 5 Change the pattern. Think about what happened the last time you failed to convince your child to go to school and do something different. Get a different person to wake the child up that morning. Use a different way of getting to school.

Three Types of School Refusal 1 Home Addiction This is when children just won’t leave the house to go to school and usually relates to fears about loss of parents or danger to themselves.

2 Shopping Mall Addiction Children don’t go to school but don’t stay home either. They hang out at shopping centres, often with other young people and may get themselves into trouble with the

More Cunning Plans Mr Russel of Mossman Park said his son told him that he didn’t want to go to school because he missed him too much. ‘So I rang the school and took a day off work and went to school with him. At first I didn’t think this was such a great way to use my annual leave but I actually had a great time. I think he’s now too scared to try it again in case I do it again.’

police.

Usually,

these

young

people don’t feel that they can succeed within school and, depending on their age, alternatives to school could be considered.

3 Fear of School Often, sensitive young people who fear school do so either because of the pressure to succeed or because

‘Most school-refusing families are very close. They display little mobility from generation to generation, often living in the same house or next door. One hundred years ago they represented the norm and are still the norm in most traditional societies. It is likely that their refusal to change with the times is an index of wisdom and health, not pathology.’

Moshe Lang

of bullying and teasing. These young people often find it easier (and safer) to relate to adults than to their peers and are good at eliciting adults’ sympathy. Check if bullying has occurred and if so, see pages 20–21 for details. If there has been no bullying, start to increase the opportunities the young person has to associate with peers and friends.

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THE VIBRANT PARENT DILEMMA SCHOOL TRANSITIONS

The Haywire Years Many parents report that children who liked school, got along well with teachers and got good marks suddenly go ‘haywire’ when they reach secondary school. The transition from primary to secondary often results in a loss of self-esteem and a lower interest in school. Girls are more vulnerable to the negative effects of transition. Early-maturing girls and late-developing boys may be most at risk during this time. The degree of trust felt by students towards their teachers and by teachers towards their students decreases with transition.

What is Known about School Transitions Points of transition have long been recognised as critical moments in determining people’s wellbeing.

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Some schools re-structure Year 7 so that students interact with only a small number of students and teachers and do not shift rooms with each class. Some schools teach fewer subjects in Year 7 and focus on helping students to feel academically able to succeed. Often, these schools arrange themselves into home rooms and home room teachers become the main contact for parents and students. The difference between primary and secondary school can be quite dramatic, and secondary schools are often perceived by students to be less personal and to place more emphasis on discipline and control. 1 indicates that Research restructuring Year 7 results in lower delinquency and substance abuse and higher school retention and achievement later on.

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Preparing for the Transition to Secondary School

one basis for selecting a school is

Parents can play an important role in preparing their children for school. Building young people’s self-esteem at this time by focusing on their abilities and strengths is important. Adolescence is often the first real chance young people get to actively assess their own sense of capacity and skill as an autonomous person. There is likely to be an increase in social comparison and competitiveness around this time, with an increased possibility of bullying. Ensure that they have a couple of friendship groups so that if they fall out with one group they will have another to fall back on. Take the time to establish a positive link with their teachers.

•

to consider the students that attend that school. Ask yourself whether you can

see your child fitting in at the school.

•

The academic record of the

school is another basis, but remember that it is difficult to achieve academic success if you don’t feel happy at school. Several specific things that you may wish to consider are:

•

Does the school have an

orientation and transition program for new students?

•

What sorts of achievements

does the school seem proud of – if, for example, a school seems to focus

solely

on

sporting

Selecting a School

achievements and your child is

There are a number of features that you should

affect your choice.

look for in a school:

•

•

connectedness system?

Find a school that you can trust – this means

not interested in sport it may Do

somewhere you feel you will be listened to

•

should difficulties arise.

bullying?

•

•

Don’t rely solely on your child’s choice.

they

have

a

peer-

Do they have a policy about Does the school feel like a

Understandably, they will select on the basis of

place that encourages learning

their current friendships, but as we know, their

and success?

friendship patterns often change.

•

•

for information or if they have

As the school your child attends will have a

powerful influence on the peers they mix with,

Who should parents contact

concerns?

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CHAPTER SEVEN

Parenting Adolescents: The Disgust, The Disdain And The Disinterest

o The golden rules of parenting are: 1. When they do good things pretend that is what you planned and take credit. 2. When they do bad things pretend that is what you wanted them to do in the first place. an exasperated father

The dilemmas covered on earlier pages demonstrate some approaches to parenting children and teenagers. Even with the best plans, though, parenting sometimes doesn’t quite work out the way you hoped it would. At times it is easy to get into a pattern of blaming either your teenager or yourself when you find the same problem coming up over and over again. Blame, of course, is a waste of time. If you are going to solve a problem, you can’t use the same type of thinking that created the problem in the first place. Humour and happiness are great allies in beating problems. Serious problems seriously need to be solved but don’t necessarily need to be solved seriously. A lovely example of this is the mother who was fed up with her son’s swearing. She told him, ‘Every time you use the F-word, I’m going to kiss you’. The next Saturday morning, they were shopping together when he uttered the magic word. Without making a comment, she rushed over and 144 Raising Real People

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planted one of her biggest, motherly smooches on him. Every time since then when he has even looked like swearing he looks apprehensively over at his mother and reconsiders.

o O n e We e k t o Tu r n i t A ro u n d – T h e Seven Days That Shook Your Teenager Sometimes when interactions get stuck everyone falls into despair, anger and blame, which of course only serves to make everything even more stuck. Let’s imagine for a moment that you have only one week to turn a relationship around and discuss a day-by-day approach.

D AY O N E – M A S T E R LY I N A C T I V I T Y On the first day you get the really easy job of taking a break. In all situations, except for ones that are immediately and directly lifethreatening, the wisest first choice is to have a rest. By stopping whatever you are doing in relation to your teenager’s behaviour you may have already removed 50 per cent of the problem – what you have been doing. Sometimes by continually trying to solve a problem we can make it worse. Be warned: sometimes when a parent decides not to intervene the problem escalates temporarily. This may be because the child is so used to your response that they will behave in such a way until they get the response they are looking for. Sitting back and not intervening allows you to look at the problem with fresh eyes and to consider alternative ways to respond. Go through the Parenting Planner in Chapter 6 of this book and reconsider your goals. Are you aiming too high? Trying to do too

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much? Implementing the same failed strategies that past generations of your family tried? The first and easiest way to break a pattern is not to do the pattern. At some stage during Day One, go and do something pleasant for yourself. The next six days will require a lot from you and you need to be fresh and ready to approach this. Until you have achieved a total day of non-intervention, do not proceed to Day Two. Achieving a whole day of non-intervention by sending your teenager to Aunty Vera’s for the day or spending a small fortune to buy peace for the day doesn’t count. To be effective, the day of non-intervention should be on a day where it is life or business as usual. If you feel the situation is too grave or life-threatening to take a break, get some professional assistance either for your teenager, or if they won’t come, for yourself. Life is too short and too precious for you to be spending it panicking.

D AY T W O – T H E B E G I N N I N G S O F A CUNNING PLAN On the second day you leap into further inaction. Continue not to intervene. Write down in three sentences or less what your goal is. Make it one goal only. Be careful. It is often easier to write down what you don’t want rather than what you do. For example, ‘I want him to stop running off from school’ or ‘I want her to stop teasing her young brother’ should be changed into the positive, ‘I want him to attend school’ or ‘I want her to learn to be civil towards her brother’. Goals should be short, precise and be phrased in terms of starting something rather than stopping something. Look over your goal. Is there any way of making it smaller or more achievable? The larger a goal is the easier it is to miss it. Break it down if at all possible. List all the things you’ve already tried that haven’t worked. This will remind you not to use them again.

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D AY T H R E E – S P Y I N G On the third day, luxuriate in splendid idleness. Start spying on your teenager. Your quest is to find times when the problem doesn’t happen. Don’t pay attention or respond when the problem happens – you already know enough about the problem. The trickier issue is to find out what’s going on when the problem isn’t around. For example, what’s happening when he seems happier, what is going on when she does help around the house or when she does some schoolwork? Keep non-problem times firmly in your sights. It’s too easy to get sucked back into thinking about the problem and whatever it is that might be causing it. This only blinds you to opportunities for change. If you find things that seem to be happening when the problem isn’t, see if you can make more of those things happen.

D AY F O U R – G O I N G O N A T R E A S U R E H U N T Go on a search to find talents, skills, contributions, abilities and interests that your teenager has. Ask them about them. Review the section in Chapter 2 on building the skills of self-praise. Make much of them. Praise them.

D AY F I V E – F R O M N O T O Y E S Spend a day saying yes to your teenager. Whatever they suggest, you agree to! Simple but scary. They say, ‘I want to go to a party’, you say, ‘Great idea – I’ll get my hat’. They say, ‘I don’t want to go to school’, you say, ‘Great, what will we do together?’. They say, ‘I want to fly to Africa’, you say, ‘Great idea, let’s work out a way to do that’. They say, ‘I want frogs legs and ice cream for dinner’, you say, ‘Fantastic, I’ll get the ice cream, you find the frogs’. Get the idea? You’ll agree to do almost anything with them. Probably by the end of the day they will be so sick of you being so

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damn agreeable they’ll either think you’re on drugs or start seriously thinking about whether you are certifiable.

D AY S I X – I N V I TAT I O N A L PA R E N T I N G Invite your teenager to come and do things with you. Don’t tell them what you’re inviting them to do in advance, just say, ‘I’d like you to come out with me today – there’s a few things I’ve got to do’. If it’s a school day, so much the better. Take them out of your local area to lunch or to the movies, the greyhounds, the art gallery, a music event, to church, out to play cards, to test-drive new cars that you have no intention of buying. Take them to places you normally wouldn’t go with them. If they whinge and complain and tell you it’s boring, just agree and smile pleasantly.

D AY S E V E N – T H E S H I F T Y PA R E N T Here’s where you get to be really unpredictable. If your teenager doesn’t already think something strange has happened to you (perhaps your body has been occupied by an alien?) they will by the end of this day. Your job is to encourage more of the things that happen when the problem doesn’t while trying to do the reverse of what you did before. This should be a day of exceptional difference. If you need more time to think about it, you can do days four to six over again while you talk to other parents and friends to get ideas. One father’s experience provides a nice example of this approach. ‘I spent hours telling my son how important homework was. I lectured and lectured. The more I told him, the less he did. So I stopped telling him and waited. I noticed that he got panicked when a big assignment was due but left everything to the last minute. So one Sunday night when he told me he had a major assignment due the next day, I said “Fantastic!” and dragged him out to a movie instead. I really enjoyed the movie except for the bits when he

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pleaded with me that this assignment was really important. I said, “OK, I’ll help you when we get home”.’ ‘It took us all night to get the assignment finished and I buttoned my lip the whole time and just encouraged and helped out. The next day after school when I asked him how we’d gone, he actually thanked me and suggested that next time we should do it on a Saturday rather than a Sunday night.’

o When Things Get Stuck – The Principles There are some general principles that are useful if you find that you are experiencing the same problems over and over again.

1 STEP BACK FROM THE PROBLEM AND A D M I T FA I L U R E Take a break from the problem! This allows you some space to look at what you are doing that may be contributing to the continuation of the problem. If you feel you are stuck, it may be worth beginning to consider what would happen if you did the reverse of what you are doing now. This may not always be possible but it is worth accepting that doing more of what you are currently doing won’t work either.

2 THE PROBLEM IS THE PROBLEM Rather than trying to blame yourself or your child, it is useful to avoid spending time on self-recrimination and blame. The problem is the

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problem – whether it be aggression, lack of motivation, drugs, alcohol, sex or school failure – not the people involved. There’s not a lot of point in trying to work out why a problem is there. It’s more important to work out how to get rid of it. Even if you work out exactly why the problem exists, then generally you end up with an explanation but still have the problem. Instead use that energy to create a difference.

3 N O T I C E W H AT I S H A P P E N I N G W H E N THE PROBLEM ISN’T Sometimes we become so burdened by the power of a problem we don’t notice what’s going on when the problem isn’t there. Keeping a diary each day can be helpful as it can help you notice what is going on either when the problem stops or when it is not around at all. If you can find out what’s going on when there is no problem and make more of that happen, there will be less time for the problem to occur. For example, questions you may like to ask yourself are: What happens when she does her homework? How do these arguments we’ve been having end? What is happening differently when we don’t argue? Who doesn’t he fight with? How come? What happens when he does become motivated?

4 B E H AV I O U R I S L I N K E D T O R E S P O N S E S Children and teenagers often behave to an audience – their parents. Try by all means to alter the behaviour, but if that doesn’t succeed try to change your response. Begin by asking yourself ‘What would happen if I did the reverse of what I normally do when the problem happens?’. Sometimes this won’t be appropriate, but even so, it would

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probably start you thinking more productively about ways to change your response.

5 AIM SMALL I think there is only one thing that really works in parenting teenagers – keep them so busy that they don’t know where their next hormone is headed. one experienced mother

Think about the smallest possible change that you could make to the problem. Don’t try to solve the problem in one step. Try to change one little bit of it. Most times when people get stuck it’s because they are trying to shift a whole problem or pattern at one time. Most problems shift and free up if we make slight changes to day-to-day activities. More often than not, simple things will do. It may be useful to ask yourself, ‘What is the smallest change I could make that would have a positive effect on the problem right now?’.

6 PAY AT T E N T I O N T O T H E C H I L D , N O T T H E B E H AV I O U R It is easy to forget about the relationship you have with your child in the middle of a problem that keeps repeating. Generally it is not the child that is the problem. It is the problem that is the problem. Whether the problem is anger, fear, jealousy or rage, everyone is pushed around by the problem, including the child or teenager. One 17-year-old commented despairingly to me that his parents gave him all the responsibility and freedom of a 12-year-old, all the expectations of a 20-year-old and forgot entirely that he had a 17-year-old job to do. The message was clear: don’t allow problems to make your children invisible to you.

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7 S T O P B E I N G A S P R E D I C TA B L E A S T H E WA S H I N G M A C H I N E C Y C L E For many children, parents are about as predictable as a washing machine cycle. They know what you are going to do before you have even thought of doing it. When things get stuck, look for ways to do things differently.

8 GET SOME HELP (CALL IN THE C AVA L R Y ) Some problems are too large, too tricky or too serious to be handled alone and it’s important to recognise when things are out of control and you need outside help. The advice of other parents is invaluable, and while it takes a step of courage to ask someone else for ideas, you’ll be surprised how flattered they will feel to be asked. Professional assistance may be needed, however, when there is a risk to the long-term welfare of the family, in situations of physical violence, depression, self-harm or suicidal acts.

o Violence and Abuse No one should experience violence. Violence between family members damages everyone’s hearts and spirits and if it can’t be contained means that the people involved can’t live together. While violence includes verbal abuse and cruelty, as well as emotional abuse and neglect, physical aggression is terribly damaging for young people. A large proportion of the young people that I have seen who attempted suicide did so after years of family conflict but only went

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on to attempt suicide after the conflict became physically violent. Domestic violence, even when it doesn’t directly involve the children, still breaks their spirits and is a clear call for some form of professional help, as is an occurrence of sexual abuse between family members. Sexual abuse within a family is an incredibly traumatic and confusing event that can literally send people mad. If this is happening, get help. Assisting young people who have experienced sexual abuse is worthy of a whole book on its own. However, for families facing this issue it’s true to say that it is almost impossible to recover without the assistance of a skilled guide or counsellor.

o Depression With young people who are exhibiting high levels of depression, referral to a mental health worker is also important. The teenage years are notable for increases in self-deprecation, boredom and depression. Basically, the picture is that more people now get depressed and they begin feeling depressed at younger ages. Up to 25 per cent of our adolescents experience depression (NH&MRC, 1996) and more young people today than ever before experience depression and they begin feeling depressed at younger and younger ages. Early to middle adolescence is a peak time for developing depression, and young women are at least twice as likely as young men to develop depression. Young people who experience hardship and adversity during their teenage years are more likely to report feeling depressed. The nasty news is that once you’ve experienced depression you are more likely to experience it again and are more likely to have other problems such as substance abuse. In some instances, feeling depressed can lead to thoughts of suicide. There are quite a few

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warning signs that may indicate suicide risk. Probably the most important is that the young person seems to be coping differently compared with their usual way of living. Some people, after a period of unhappiness and depression, resolve to die and then anaesthetise themselves inexplicably from the decision. As a result, they cheer up. These people need to be asked firmly about their plans for suicide to make them deal with such plans in their conscious state. Any behaviour that could be a rehearsal of a suicide should also cause concern. Some families report that in the weeks prior to making a suicide attempt, their children changed their routines in strange ways such as taking up sleeping in their clothes, keeping the windows open at night in winter, sleeping in odd places, visiting cemeteries, going to school erratically or not washing regularly. Others noted that they seemed less happy, more switched off, bleaker than usual or more generous in giving away personal items. If there is an inexplicable change in a young person’s functioning and if you feel more worried than usual about that young person, ask. As a general rule, it is better to over-react than under-react. If your child says they have been feeling that life is not worth living, insist that they see someone with you to sort it out. If they refuse, drag them. If they still refuse, get advice from a mental health professional that you trust. The most consistent warning sign of suicide that we have is hopelessness and depression. Adolescents don’t always get depressed in the same way adults do. Adults talk about being sad, mope around, drink more cheap wine, eat more chocolate and generally convey their misery. Adolescents may talk of being bored or ‘pissed off’, rather than feeling sad; become more irritable and harder to live with; have difficulty concentrating; may use more drugs; become either almost totally inactive or restless and pacing; and may eat less. Others will write bleak poetry, speak of suicide and death, and listen to morbid music. Given that most teenagers who become depressed have not been very cheery to begin with, working out if they are feeling more

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hopeless than usual can be a tricky business. When hopelessness invades all areas of their lives and their ability to shake off selfabsorption and to consider others’ feelings or worries, it’s time to feel anxious about their well-being. Self-care is another warning sign I find useful. Increased risk-taking behaviour such as substance abuse, sexual behaviour, deliberate selfharm and dangerous driving should always be taken as possible signs of depression and despair.

o Al t e rn a t i ve S ex u a l i ty The process of discovering their sexual orientation is difficult enough for every teenager and it can be especially so for young people who suspect or decide that they are gay, lesbian or bisexual. The early discovery of these feelings creates confusion in young people and their parents. Part of this confusion is that people try to sort out whether these feelings represent a phase the young person is going through or whether they are part of an ongoing orientation. Some young gay people say that they knew of their orientation from their early teens or before, whereas others struggle to understand their feelings of attraction and desire for most of their lives. Generally, trying to categorise young people into the passing phase or the ongoing orientation category is not particularly helpful. Try to understand that young people initially may feel isolated and confused as well as unsure about their own feelings. This process may affect their self-esteem as they try to determine where they belong. Parents often deal with this by re-stating their love for their children, and their trust that they will eventually find what is right for them. It is not useful to say, ‘Don’t worry, dear, I’ll love you anyway’, as

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young people sometimes hear this as if you’d said, ‘Despite this awful disappointment, I’ll put up with you and put on a happy face’. Instead, tell them simply that you love them and home is where they belong. Some young people, as they explore their alternative sexuality, go through a process of checking out people’s responses and being very sensitive to the responses of others. This is a roller-coaster time, with some great highs and some dreadful lows. For a time, their sexual orientation can become the biggest thing in their lives and this can create conflict in families. One young man recollected that he’d been a pain to his family when he discovered his homosexuality: ‘It was like I was on a crusade. They would have their friends over and I’d start up a discussion about homosexuality just to watch them squirm. I guess I didn’t want them to ignore or gloss over what was happening to me.’ For most gay, lesbian and bisexual young people, relationships eventually become more important than sexual orientation. Then they have just got to deal with the usual issues of finding the right person, falling in love, falling out of love, trying to find the next right person and so on. Simple isn’t it? For the parents of young people going through tough times, life can be incredibly stressful and distressing. Ensuring that you get the help that you need to maintain your own ability to cope and lead the way is essential. The next chapter discusses ways to promote resilience in parents and families.

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SUICIDAL BEHAVIOURS AND YOUNG PEOPLE

• Suicidal thoughts are common in young people. • It is better for parents to over-react than under-react. • Not all suicides are predictable and therefore it is hard to give clear warning signs. Long periods of sadness and hopelessness, relationship break-ups, being the victim of abuse, loss of a close friend and knowing someone who is thinking of or who has committed suicide are some warning signs, but they are by no means the only ones.

• The best indicator is to ask yourself, ‘Is my child different from the way they usually are and are they consistently acting this way in different settings?’. Are they like this at home, with friends, at school, and so on?

• If you discover that your child or adolescent is feeling suicidal, insist that

o

you take them to see someone (a mental health professional such as a clinical psychologist or psychiatrist) who can assess their level of risk.

• If they say they don’t want to see a mental health professional, insist. Some

parents find that saying that it is not for the young person’s benefit but for their peace of mind makes it easier for the young person to agree. Some parents say the only way they managed to get their child to seek help was to ‘crack it and to keep cracking it until they realised I wasn’t going to give up’.

• If you are worried that your child is suicidal, ask them. One way to ask is: ‘You look pretty down about things. Sometimes when people feel down, they think life is not worth living – has that thought ever crossed your mind?’.

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THE CONFIDENT PARENT DILEMMA SELF-ESTEEM

What is Selfesteem? Self-esteem refers to being able to appreciate your own worth and importance and to be accountable for yourself and to act responsibly towards others. There are two types of self-esteem: 1 How good you feel about yourself. This is important because it protects you

they expect to get. This is why it is important to help young people recognise their strengths at school early on. High self-esteem students attribute their successes to their own efforts. Low selfesteem students pass their achievements off as luck or chance.

against depression. 2 How able you feel you are to undertake different activities such as Maths or English or climbing Mt Everest.

No one can make you feel inferior without

Believing in your ability to succeed at school is important because the marks people get have a lot to do with the marks

158 Raising Real People

your consent. Eleanor Roosevelt

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My inferiority complex is bigger than your inferiority complex. Anon

Self-esteem Builders •

Think about how well you receive and make compliments yourself. Accept the praise you receive! • Teach the art of self-praise – ask questions like ‘How do you do that?’. • Don’t pay too much attention to despair talk – even by just trying to correct it. • Every parent of a young person who says ‘I’m no good at ...’ wants to say, ‘Yes you are’ or ‘You have other skills’ but sometimes this just doesn’t work. Instead you could try: ‘I bet you could if you really wanted to but maybe you won’t decide to.’ • Convey caring and optimism and a belief that the young person will choose the right things to be good at. • Self-esteem is contagious – if one person has it, the people around them are more likely to feel better about themselves. One way to help your children to have high self-esteem is to build your own self-esteem. • Success in one area has a ripple effect into other areas.1

Put Yourself Down! It’s a Lifelong Career Putting yourself down can be a lifelong hobby that can be done by virtually everyone. It is best to develop this hobby in the following stages: Accept all criticisms that come your way. Ignore any compliments. If possible, insult the complimenter by telling them that they are wrong. If they say ‘That’s a nice jumper’, you can say ‘What, that old thing? It’s a rag’. Begin a program of insulting yourself: ‘I’m not as good as ...’ A martyr kit can soon be yours! To start with, you could try ‘It’s nothing’ or ‘I wasn’t that good’. ‘Anyone could do it’ is always a good stand-by if you’re not sure how to insult yourself. Another good one is, ‘No, I’m fatter than I look’. With luck, you can have years of fun insulting yourself and anyone who tries to praise you. And even better you can teach your kids to do so, too. It’s a game the whole family can play.

• • •

• •

•

Want more information? See resilience section on pages 134–135.

Long-range Weather Forecast: Seasonal variability is likely to be unseasonal. A high pressure system with a moving depression may bring cyclonic activity.

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THE DIVORCED PARENT DILEMMA SEPARATION AND DIVORCE What Do You Mean You Have Two Parents? It used to be common for people to ask ‘How many children do you have?’ Now perhaps the question should be asked of children, ‘How many parents do you have?’. Divorces and separations occur so often in our society, there is a risk that they will become more common than marriages. Every separation and divorce has the potential to damage people, so how they are handled is important. As this is a time of heightened emotion, it is unlikely that anyone can divorce with perfect harmony. Don’t expect to do it perfectly, but aim to do it as cleanly and as healthily as possible. This means not involving children and young people in relationship wrangles. Wherever possible, making agreements that provide a structure for young people over the first few weeks or months of separation or divorce is desirable.

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Try to: Agree not to involve your children in the intricacies of your relationship issues.

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Agree on what is parents’ business and what is kids’ business. Wherever safe to do so, give children access to both parents regularly. Tell children they are not responsible for the break-up. Be clear about whether there is any prospect of re-uniting. Look after yourself. If you’re handling matters well, it is likely your children will too. Find someone who you both trust to make decisions when you can’t reach agreement.

Try not to: Use children to pass on communications between separating parents. Arrange access on a week about basis – children need a home. Use your child as a confidant.

How Do I Tell My Child That We’re Separating? If you can tell them together, that is ideal. This may be the last thing that you ever have to do together for your children but it will also be one of the most important. Don’t allow this discussion to be interrupted by telephone calls, television or anything! Most young people will have picked up on the tensions already and will usually be less surprised than you think. Even though they may not be surprised, they may still be upset. For some children this will be the first time they can show that they are upset. One way to tell them is to say, ‘We’ve decided that we will be happier people in the future if we live apart. Just because we are going to live apart doesn’t mean that we will stop being your parents’. Making a

clear, unambiguous statement about both of you being there for your children is important. If you can agree on an immediate strategy for the accommodation of the children, it is best to make this clear. For example, ‘Your (other parent) is going to move out and you will live with me, until they find a place to live. Then we’re going to meet again to talk about where you should live.’ Allow people to be sad and angry if need be. For everyone in the family, it is a sad time.

Access

is a tricky point as it is a logical flashpoint for parents. Some decide to have pick-up and drop-off points at a neutral location. One useful guideline is if a child doesn’t wish to go on access with a parent for a time, they need to negotiate it either directly with that parent or with an agreed third party present. Stand By Your Plan Parenting plans are agreements or contracts that can be drawn up between even quite hostile partners to cover their intentions and commitments as parents. In some instances, these agreements are drawn up with both of the ex-partners present, in others it is preferable for the plan to be developed separately and then changed until both can agree on the plan.

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THE ROMANTIC PARENT DILEMMA SEX AND ROMANCE Birds do it, Bees do it, Even Educated Teens do it Despite their ‘I-know-it-all’ air, most teenagers are reluctant to discuss sexuality. While many young people learn about sex from other sources, parents are still the most important influence on sexuality. Very strict or very lax parental discipline is strongly associated with permissive sexual behaviour. What happens in your house is also important. The sexual behaviour of older siblings is also an important determinant of sexual experimentation. There are good reasons to make sure that young people do not become sexually active at too young an age. The younger the age of first intercourse, the greater the number of partners, the greater the likelihood of pregnancy and the more likely it is to be part of problem behaviours such as delinquency and drug use.

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Some common guidelines for parents are: • Let them know your values, then tell them you trust them. • Remember that you can’t be there to make decisions for them. • Don’t wait for them to come to you – giving information doesn’t encourage them to become sexually active. • Give them accurate information about their responsibilities in relation to contraception and sexually transmitted diseases. Talk about safe sex (ensuring there is no transmission of bodily fluids). This information may save their lives.

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Include discussions about how to say no to sex. Many young people end up having sex with others when they don’t really want to simply because they feel they ought to.1

Parents Be Prepared Mrs Thorpe of Exeter lamented that ‘When my teenagers hit puberty I filled the bathroom cabinet with tampons, sanitary napkins, condoms and lubricants and the bookshelf with “innocent-looking” books on sex. They said “Muuum” in that kind of extended way that teenagers do and said I should stop looking so eager. They told me they’d have sex in their own time and that I really should get a life.’

Does This Mean I’m Gay? Adolescence is a time when attractions and attachments go haywire. The proportion of teenagers that experience some form of intense same-sex attraction is about ten per cent. Some will go on to adopt gay lifestyles and orientations, some not. For young people who clearly wish to identify themselves as homosexual, the going can be rough, particularly at school. It is probably wise for parents of these young people to seek some outside support.

Sex and Romance In a survey of young people, teenagers said that they believe young people should be about 15 years of age before they can make any of their own decisions about sex. Many, however, felt their parents probably wouldn’t agree with this.

Great Reasons for not Using Contraception Over the years we’ve heard some great reasons why young people (and some older ones too) didn’t use contraception: ‘I didn’t want to look like I was expecting it.’ ‘They’ll think I’m easy if I suggest it.’ ‘It should be a spur of the moment thing.’

Getting Dropped What they would say to a friend that was dropped recently was also interesting: Forget them Go out and have fun Talk to someone Pick up Think positive Get back together Nothing

54.4% 27.2% 24.4% 15.8% 14.0% 5.3% 3.5%

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THE ASPIRING PARENT DILEMMA SIBLING RELATIONSHIPS

They Take Different Roles, Don’t They? Just when you think you’ve got your children figured out, they change roles. It’s almost as if they hold an annual planning meeting in which one says, ‘Okay, this year, you be the clever one, you be the sick one and I’ll be the troublemaker, and when they’ve got it figured out we’ll change roles.’ Though it may be that things are not quite that inconsistent, there is some evidence to suggest that children take on different roles according to their birth order. Older children often take on the role of teacher, manager, and parent helper. They may be more likely to act responsibly to gain parental favour1 and may act as surrogate parents. As they begin life with 100% of parental investment and then have to deal with sharing their parents after the birth of other siblings, jealousy and conservatism can be a bit of an issue for some older children. It is important not to rely on eldest children’s responsibility too much. It may not be a good idea to use older children to teach the younger ones, as they often lack the maturity to do this well and often become overly concerned at the outcome and not the process of learning itself. Older children, however, often help in teaching younger kids to speak and communicate. Later-born children don’t have the opportunity of being the undivided centre of attention of their parents for any lengthy period and this may allow them to

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be less reliant on parents and maybe more risk-taking. Some youngest children can be overprotected by their parents and in some cases this may make them lazy, spoiled and a bit self-indulgent. Spoiled children struggle to become independent and children who are over-protected find it difficult to establish positive self-esteem. Some youngest children never see that they are achieving things, as they believe it’s all been done earlier and better by their older brothers and sisters. Younger children can take on a complementary role of managee, learner and helper, and can defer too much to their older siblings. It is important to give youngest children areas of responsibility and independence to prepare them for life, and to applaud their accomplishments. On average, only children have higher intelligence than later-born children in larger families, but lower intelligence than that of first- or second-born children from two-child families. Only children are often wild cards who can be a law unto themselves.

Showing them that you are serious about them getting on is important. Most parents want their children to resolve differences without physical or verbal aggression and to be able to share, respect each other’s and combined property, as well as providing some comfort and assistance to one another. Because families are where we all learn to share and to fight fairly, these skills are 2 important to learn early on.

It Can Work in Your Favour! Mr Spicer of Lyndhurst tried a cunning plan. ‘In desperation I said I would pay him to do his homework. It didn’t work. So I said, “For every

Sibling Relationships are Important Most parents have said to their children, ‘You’ve got to learn to get on with your brother or sister’. Well, they were right – sibling relationships are important. They don’t have to get along all the time, however, but having a general sense of goodwill between them helps their ability to mix socially and sensibly in the outside world.

hour of homework you don’t do, I’m going to give the money to your brother!”. ‘He said, “I’m not going to let that #%$# so-and-so get the money!” He now does his homework … well … sometimes’.

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THE UMPIRING PARENT DILEMMA SIBLING RIVALRY battle in which the biggest and

What to do with Siblings Who Can’t Stand One Another

strongest wins. Do not side consistently with one against the other. Develop mutual respect – harsh or inconsistent parenting can

create

poor

sibling

relationships. It is all right at

At some point, all young people say they hate their brothers or sisters. There are some children, however, who have almost entirely different

times to say, ‘This is my house – you both live here and you’ll do it my way.’

personalities and interests. It is too easy to say treat children the same, because in many families, especially blended families, the age difference

is

such

that

it

would

be

developmentally insensitive to do so. Conflict needs to be managed so that it leads to a positive outcome. In families in which siblings don’t get along, a sense of justice and fairness is essential. Be even-handed and fair. Do not allow it to be a

166 Raising Real People

Why Do We Have Sibling Rivalry? Sibling rivalry isn’t that surprising, really. Imagine if your partner came home and told you that they were about to bring a new man or woman into your home. This new person will take up a lot of

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their available time and affection and they may not be able to spend as much time with you as they have in the past. Also, you will have to learn how to share. Above all, they then ask you to get along with the new person, to like and even love them. This is basically the equivalent position of a child when they discover their mother is about to have a baby!

Pick at Random! Mrs Tran of Greendale said that she had spent years playing the umpire, entering into every argument and trying to sort it out, trying to work out who started it. ‘Did I have success? Never. I don’t know why I persisted for so long. With young children, you need to intervene directly to break up disputes, but when they get older your role has to change. ‘So I decided to pick at random who was the “victim” and go to them and comfort them. The next day when a dispute erupted I went in and picked the eldest child as the victim and went and said, “You must be so sad to be fighting like this – let me give you a big hug”, and approached him with my arms outstretched.

‘The look of horror on my teenage son’s face was a sight to behold. And the other one looked so offended and put out. But I just persisted. After a while they stopped arguing to get my attention.’

Contenders Ready for Big Fight Contenders today were in preparation for the Parental Attention Cup. This is a fight that occurs over an indeterminate number of rounds. While this is usually a featherweight competition, occasionally larger fighters are allowed to enter the ring. Referees representative, Mr Drago, said ‘It’s an umpires nightmare. If you send them to their corners or to their rooms they refuse to go and they constantly dispute the referee’s decision.’

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CHAPTER 8

How Do You Please the Child Who Has Everything? Motivation and Resilience Promotion with the Click and G o Generation

o With an exasperated look that almost expressed ‘what is wrong with young people today?’ a teacher told me of her frustration in motivating her students and her own children. In a tone of despair, she told me how her own children had everything: ‘They have vast amounts of information through the internet, the ability to contact one another virtually whenever and wherever they choose, they are ferried to and from school, concerts and outings like cosseted princes and princesses, but when anything, anything, goes wrong they act either like babies or tyrants.’ ‘How,’ she asked pleadingly, ‘do you please the child who has everything?’. While I had no answer for her at the time, her question set me thinking. The current generation of young people are in many ways the most well-informed, privileged and protected group of young people in

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history and yet they seem to derive little satisfaction or inspiration from it. To misquote P.G. Wodehouse, while they are not exactly disgruntled, it is fair to say that they are far from being ‘gruntled’. While there are always dangers in considering broad generalisations and trends in different times, I think considering these in relation to young people can tell us a lot about what does and doesn’t motivate them. The current generation of young people can be described as the Click and Go generation. These are the baby boomlets who were born with a mouse in their hands (1). In the past few years I have seen a shift in the way many young people regard the world and their position in it to the extent that I have come to feel that the Click and Go’s are significantly different from past generations. They have grown up in a world that rushes them in terms of time and stimulates them to the extent that many of them have difficulties with sustained concentration and attention and very few of them see the connections between effort, persistence and outcome. The Click and Go generation have a world of knowledge at their fingertips beyond the wildest dreams of Galileo, Newton or da Vinci, they can connect instantaneously with their friends through messaging and yet rarely have role models or ideals to inspire them. The table on the next page summarises the major shifts between four generations. The Depression/war years generation, many of whom have now left the workforce and are involved in parenting either as a parent or a grandparent; the Baby Boomer generation, who are still strongly represented in leadership positions and who maintain some of the optimism, hope and respect for authority of the post-war years; Generation X, who are the ‘Me’ generation and have adapted to a changing world by keeping their options open but who can keep their options so open they lose satisfaction; and the current generation of Click & Go. Attitudes towards work and play have shifted dramatically across the generations. For the depression/war years generation, there was a combination of work hard and play safe, whereas for the baby boomers it was more a combination of work hard and play hard. The

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Differences between the Generations Depression/ war years

Baby Boomer

Gen X

Click & Go

Born 1927-45

1946-64

1965-83

1984-02

Age

2002

57-75

38-56

19-36

0-17

Age

2010

65-83

46-64

27-45

8-26

Work hard

Work hard

Work hard

Want good

if it doesn’t

grades

Play

Play

interfere with

but play

safe

hard

play

the cool fool

Save

Worry

Use

Save

money

about money

credit

money

Buy a decent

Buy the best

Reclaim

I like living

house

house you can

the inner city

at home

Narrow

More options,

Vast

Vast

options,

high

options,

options,

high availability

expectations,

low

low

satisfaction

availability

availability

Be seen to do

Should I really

I like it and I

Who are you

the right thing

like it? – what

don’t care

anyway?

will others think

what you think

You’re old

Motivated by duty, Motivated by

Motivated by

Motivated by

obligation and

idealism then

image

immediate

honour

materialism

Strong work

Money/

Principles/

Cats, dogs and

ethic

ideals

satisfaction

rats

outcomes

1. adapted from the work of Viv Read (2000) and Jay Jamrog (1997)

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boomers are tiring now, though, and the message that was conveyed in the Kiss song that told boomers to rock all night and party every day can now be recast as ‘I want to rock and roll all night and part of every day’. For Generation X, the attitude appears to be work hard as long as it doesn’t interfere with play. The current batch of kids, the Click and Go’s have a paradox on their hands: while they are quite competitive and look towards a materialistic lifestyle, they don’t want to be seen to be trying hard to achieve. In school they often choose peer acceptance over academic success and prefer to have an image as a cool fool.

Motivational Rule No. 1 ‘If I’m going to try hard, it needs to be a private matter away from the gaze of my peers.’ The view of money has also changed. The depression/wars years people saved money, the baby boomers worry about money, generation X uses credit and the Click and Go’s save money, but it’s usually someone else’s money (often their parents’). The amount of options available to different generations has also altered. As discussed in chapter four, the young people from the depression/war years generation had access to a series of community facilities including dance halls, mechanics institutes and drive-in cinemas that weren’t youth specific but were nevertheless available. The Baby Boomers had more options with increased leisure time, but higher expectations went along with those options – increased education being the most prominent of these. With Generation X we have a group of young people who have options like never before but seemingly have low satisfaction with those options. Males from this generation remain sadly over-represented in our suicide rates. I am concerned that the Click and Go generation may have vast options but a sense that they can’t access these options. Either through economic circumstances or a caution about becoming involved in new ventures, the risk appears high that this generation of young people may have a sense of missing out. As one young person told me, ‘it’s like the world is holding a party, but I haven’t been invited’. This feeling

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may be heightened in young people who live in rural and remote areas. The risk that this group of young people may experience high levels of envy of others and low levels of possibility for themselves may increase their levels of depression, hopelessness and despair.

Motivation Rule No. 2 ‘Not only actively prevent depression but promote a sense that there is a range of possibilities for them.’ The moral reasoning has definitely shifted and become more individualistic. For the depression/war years generation it was being seen to do the right thing. I still come across people who tell me, ‘I grew up thinking she was my sister but in fact she’s my Mum’. For Baby Boomers, moral reasoning was largely anxiety based and they seem to dwell on their fears of rejection and worry about what other people will think of them. Generation Xers seem to have a stronger sense of self and are more likely to reason that ‘I like it and I don’t care what you think’. While this gives them a sense of independence of choice, it can also serve to disconnect them from others and from consequences. It is with the Click and Go’s that I believe we see a big leap in the way moral reasoning occurs. The message is ‘Who are you anyway? You’re old’. The Click and Go’s have grown up in a world of stranger danger where they were told to be wary of unknown adults. The problem with this is that they are being taught in schools by previous generations who grew up in a time when adults were more respected and the message to young people was ‘if you put in the hard yards now it will pay off later’ and education was often a matter of ‘sit down and pay attention’. If you tell the Click and Go’s to put in the hard yards now and it will pay off later, they will tell you to go and get stuffed. They’ll ask you ‘What’s in it for me?’. One puzzled young girl recently said to me, ‘How come I have to pay for attention?’. The immediacy of the world for the Click and Go’s demands a visibility of rewards and motivators that is beyond the capacity of parents and teachers to provide.

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Motivation Rule No. 3 ‘Help young people to develop their own WIIFM (what’s in it for me?).’ The way that work has been viewed and the qualities of life that motivate different generations have changed. For the depression/war years generation, who were often motivated by duty and obligation, work was often a matter of joining an organisation, profession or trade and sticking with it. Baby boomers balanced money and ideals. They achieved a lot but we should never forget that this was the generation that set out to change the world and ended up with the Home Shopping Channel. Generation Xers balance principles and satisfaction in a way that is quite admirable and view work as a way of supporting their image. It is too early to be sure about how the Click and Go’s will view work. One possibility conforms to a theory about work that I once heard. According to this theory all employees can be sorted into one of three categories: the cats, the dogs and the rats. The cats are loyal to the place. Anyone who has returned home to their cat knows that look that says ‘Ah, you’ve shown up at my place again – where’s the food?’. The dogs are loyal to the owner and rats are loyal to themselves. I suspect we are about to see the Click and Go’s become a generation of rats with a low level of trust in public institutions and corporate citizenship. While some of these trends may be developmental and may change as the Click and Go’s age, several prominent themes are:

•

their reliance on external stimulation for challenges;

•

their brevity of attention and concentration;

•

their requirement of immediate outcomes to motivate them; and

•

their distrust of strangers and public institutions.

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Motivation Rule No. 4 ‘What motivates the Click and Go’s is different from the factors that motivated past generations.’

o T h e Re l a t i on sh i p b e twe e n H a p p i n e s s and Motivation The search for ways to motivate the Click and Go generation led me to consider what creates happiness. For those interested in pursuing this research further there is a world database about happiness available on the internet (www.eur.nl/fsw/research/happiness/). For the Click and Go’s, with their short attention spans, focus on immediate outcomes and reliance on the external, the search for happiness could be a major motivator. Given that the world is a fairly unreliable provider of happiness, the Click and Go reliance on external sources of satisfaction may be problematic.

‘There are two kinds of lives: the horrible and the merely miserable.’ Woody Allen

Generally, research indicates that despite having a level of material wealth that would boggle the eyes of even the wealthiest Indian maharajah of the past, we are, if anything, slightly less happy than we were 50 years ago. While a certain level of financial security is associated with happiness and there is a tendency for wealthy countries to have more satisfied people, money doesn’t have a lot to do with it. Thanks to our ability to adapt to ever greater fame and fortune, yesterday’s luxuries all too soon become today’s necessities and tomorrow’s garage sale items.

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Aristotle concluded that more than anything else people seek happiness. Yet, it is elusive. In his book, Flow, Csikzentmihalyi, points out that frustration is deeply woven into the fabric of life – whenever some of our needs are met, we immediately start wishing for more. The paradox is that with rising expectations, the quality of life is an insurmountable task. Happiness is difficult to achieve partly because the universe was not designed with the comfort of human beings in mind. The world does not provide happiness, happiness is created by people.

‘Happiness is an agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of others.’ Ambrose Bierce

Contrary to what we believe, happiness is not mostly associated with passive, relaxing times but with times in life when we are being unselfconsciously absorbed in a mindful challenge: an activity that immerses us in the experience so much that we forget to some extent who we are, and what our daily concerns are. Experiences that cause us to look up and think ‘where did the time go?’ when they’re finished. People often describe this state of being immersed in the experience as ‘flow’.

Challenges

Anxiety

Boredom

Flow

(Csikzentmihalyi, M. ,1990, Flow - The Psychology of Happiness, Rider Press, London)

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These activities are ones where we have some skills to meet the challenges and the relationship between the challenges and the skills is balanced. If the challenge is too great, we experience anxiety. If the challenge is too low, we become bored. People report many activities that they engage in to develop a sense of flow – sport, games, socialising, drawing, art, music, reading, gardening, fishing, walking, playing with children or pets, even work. The distinctive feature of these activities is that typically they involve the person setting their own goals and providing their own rewards. It is by engaging in these activities that they free themselves from needing to wait for the world to provide challenges and rewards. The knack of finding activities that produce this sense of flow in life is not something that children are often taught in their schools or homes. The pressure upon schools and time-poor parents to provide immediate gratification and entertainment for their children places them in a maelstrom of activity that too often robs the young people of the opportunity of getting into flow. Our young people often experience a rush of stimulation which may not cause anxiety but certainly increases arousal and then when the stimulation is switched off they wander around the house complaining ‘I’m bored – there’s nothing to do’. Eventually they become passively dependent on the world to amuse and entertain them and believe they should always be happy. Invariably the world lets them down because it is not a very even or fair provider of challenges and rewards and they lose motivation. Even worse than losing motivation, it’s the world’s (and that includes their parents’) fault! This can lead to a type of wistful envy – if only we lived in a different area, closer to, or further away from school, if only my parents were cool, had a better car, nicer house, if only I had a better group of friends. In time, this leads to a reliance on materialism and prevents young people taking responsibility for creating a fulfilling life for themselves.

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H e lp i n g t h e C l i c k an d G o ’s C re ate Fu lf i lli n g L i ve s Helping young people find, engage in and persist with activities that give them a sense of flow and happiness is crucial if they are to lead fulfilling lives. This requires slowing at least some part of life down so that young people can gradually engage in an activity over time, improving their performance and increasing their pleasure, persisting with the activity even though at times the challenges will seem too great, continuing to challenge themselves when the performance seems to become too easy and on the surface boring. These activities vary from person to person. For some it will be netball, or football, music or art, roller hockey or diving, writing or painting. For others it might be chess or skateboarding, You can’t choose the activities that will give your child a sense of flow but you can expose them to a range of activities and keep a keen eye out for those that absorb them. As a starting guide, a series of activities is outlined on the next page. While happiness is not the sole key to motivation, it’s not a bad starting place. To add to this we need to integrate what we already know about fulfilment, motivation and happiness. Gathered together, the research indicates several themes that we can teach our children.

o How to Get Along with Other People Reciprocators are often happier people. The ability to work in with others and to be considerate of their needs is an important social skill as well as a source of resilience. Connectedness and a sense of

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belonging are the strongest antidotes we have to suicide, violence and ongoing, problematic substance abuse. It is our relationships with other people that give our lives meaning. An old Zulu saying puts this well: ‘People are people because of other people’. Teaching children to collaborate and to be sensitive to the needs of others requires developing an understanding of right and wrong. This requires parents to be assertively in charge of their family and to teach and keep teaching the one message that probably all the world’s religions agree on: ‘Treat others as you would wish to be treated yourself’.

Young People’s Pleasant Events 1. Having a bath

22. Looking after a pet

2. Collecting things

23. Having a friend sleep over

3. Going on a holiday

24. Going camping

4. Watching a favourite TV show

25. Reading a comic book

5. Going to the zoo

26. Flying kites

6. Listening to music

27. Milking a cow

7. Painting

28. Skateboarding

8. Playing with a toy

29. Canoeing

9. Going to a party

30. Playing music

10. Swimming

31. Thinking about your birthday

11. Laughing

32. Playing a sport

12. Learning a joke

33. Riding a scooter

13. Practising a magic trick

34. Talking to your family

14. Drawing

35. Rollerblading

15. Playing cards

36. Learning to juggle

16. Eating a favourite food

37. Going to scouts or guides

17. Sleeping over at a friend’s place

38. Sewing or knitting

18. Riding a bike

39. Singing

19. Playing a computer game

40. Playing tennis

20. Hobbies

41. Collecting shells

21. Growing a plant or vegetable

42. Gardening

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43. Horse riding

65. Writing a letter

44. Having your hair combed

66. Flying in a plane

45. Watching fireworks or bonfires

67. Playing softball

46. Acting

68. Writing a story

47. Being in a choir

69. Doing a jigsaw puzzle

48. Skiing

70. Ten pin bowling

49. Fishing

71. Playing a musical instrument

50. Making a present for someone

72. Climbing a tree

51. Photography

73. Surfing a wave

52. Being alone

74. Bouncing on a trampoline

53. Eating chocolate

75. Cooking

54. Running barefoot in a park

76. Dancing

55. Visiting a playground

77. Eating ice cream

56. Playing volleyball

78. Having lunch with a friend

57. Watching or playing football

79. Going on a picnic

58. Shopping

80. Going to the Show

59. Going to the museum

81. Passing a test at school

60. Remembering good times

82. Making a new friend

61. Opening presents

83. Patting a pet

62. Visiting the aquarium

84. Receiving a letter or parcel

63. Staying on a farm

85. Having time to do nothing

64. Talking on the phone

86. Going out to dinner

o How to Control Their Emotions People who lose it, get angry, blow their top, go ballistic, ‘do a na na’ or ‘chuck wobblies’ quickly lose friends. Teaching children how to control their negative feelings is not easy but it is essential if they are to have a fulfilling life. Learning that there is someone stronger than your negative emotion or tantrum is a lesson that should be learned at

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home. Learning that parents are not going to give in every time I get angry so that I use anger to get what I want is also important. Children can be roughly divided into the ‘hot heads’ and the ‘cold hearts’. The ‘hot heads’ show anger very quickly and need to learn how to control their impulses. They need to learn how to settle themselves down. This can be done by discussing anger with them, the things that they get angry about, and suggesting alternative ways of dealing with those feelings. Younger ‘hot heads’ can be held gently but firmly during a tantrum until they calm down. A warning for parents, though, once you decide to hold them you need to keep holding them until they really have calmed down and that can take quite a while! The ‘cold hearts’ have more impulse control than the hot heads and are more calculating in the way they express anger. It is almost as if they are saying ’I’ll wait till it’s really embarrassing before showing my anger’. The supermarket aisles are full of ‘cold heart’ children sitting down and threatening to scream until you give in. The earlier ‘cold hearts’ learn that anger is not an appropriate way to gain attention or privileges the better. Another warning for parents: when you take a firm stand and decide not to give in to these children, they get worse, much worse, before they get better.

o How to Have High Expectations of Themselves It is important to have high expectations of your child’s ability to create a fulfilling life for herself or himself and to expect your child to also have high expectations. The world is going to be a very different place in the next few decades and young people are going to need to be adaptable. If, as it

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is estimated, seventy per cent of the jobs that will exist in the year 2020 don’t exist yet (Ellyard, 1999), we cannot teach children the knowledge they will need. What we can teach them, however, is to be excited and adept learners and to have high expectations of themselves. There are some general guidelines that may help parents to steer their children towards developing a more fulfilling life:

•

promote a reputation that highlights their unique or exceptional attributes;

•

develop skills that increase irreplacability;

•

seek out groups that most strongly value what they have to offer – where their assets will be cherished;

•

avoid social groups where their unique attributes are not valued; and

•

develop the habit of extracting the best out of life.

These skills are most easily learned by watching an adult in your world live a fulfilling life. The answer to the question ‘what do you give the child who has everything?’ is ‘the ability to make themselves happy, fulfilled and motivated’. This is , of course, best taught to children by a happy and resilient parent.

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CHAPTER NINE

The Resilient Parent

o

One of the keys to a resilient parent is to preserve your own connectedness and uniqueness. The problem is that connectedness is a difficult thing to define. We are all connected in largely invisible ways. I once heard a story of a man who had attempted to mimic the local owls so precisely that they would respond to his impersonation of an owl call. As owls are nocturnal creatures, he spent many an evening in his darkened back garden trying to communicate with the owls. Eventually he managed to replicate the sound so precisely that he heard a responding ‘hoot’. He was delighted. He was ecstatic. And so he rushed indoors to tell his wife of his accomplishment. The man’s wife, who was justly proud of her husband’s achievement, told the woman who lived next door of her husband’s

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success in imitating the owl’s call, only to discover that the neighbour’s husband had made a similar discovery. The thought of these two men being so pleased as they made their respective owl sounds to one another often makes me smile. I wonder how they reacted when they finally met? Did they shuffle their feet and look embarrassed? I hope they laughed themselves silly and that they occasionally sneak out the back just to give it another try. The most important times in life, the most meaningful, passionate and delightful, are not the great serious moments of achievement and success. The times of great poignancy and purposelessness are the most fulfilling. We all run the risk of having the happiest moments of our lives slip past us as we rush on and on. It takes a bold step to grab on to life and to focus on the small, minute times that give us joy and ecstasy. No one will encourage you to do this. In a world that encourages people to work harder and harder and to laugh less and less, it takes a counter-revolutionary act to enjoy the little moments of quirkiness and individuality that make up our lives. The rhythm of modern life can become so pressing that everything becomes rushed and half-experienced as we swoop onwards and onwards. Taking time to step back and prioritise is important. On aeroplane flights, flight attendants go through the safety routine and remind parents, ‘In case of emergency, an oxygen mask will drop down. If you have a child make sure your own mask is securely fastened, before attending to theirs’. This is good advice. If you don’t ensure your flow of oxygen, if you don’t allow a flow of pleasure, humour and delight into your own lives, how can you adequately care for and teach your children? In my earlier book, From Surviving to Thriving – Promoting Mental Health in Young People, I mentioned a story in which Michelangelo was asked what he did for a living. Rather than answering that he was an artist or a sculptor, he reportedly replied that he removed the excess marble to reveal the beauty of the figure within. At its best, parenting can be just like this. Children are obviously influenced, guided and, we hope, at times inspired by positive parenting. However, their approach to life will

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be partly determined by their own personality and temperament. A parent who becomes paralysed with guilt every time a child has a tantrum or a bad day can be as damaging as a parent who takes too little interest in their child. Most parents feel guilty some of the time. It is important not to let guilt take over family relationships to the extent that you spend most of your time trying to overcome past inadequacies or absences. Instead, it is better to focus on showing children how to live life by providing them with a role model of a really happy, vibrant, excited person – you. Obviously, life shoves people around. Hard times and adversity, loss, trauma and grief affect us all from time to time and we lose sight of the pleasures of life and temporarily become grim-faced and sad. Resilient people seem to be able to accept that there will be times of difficulty and are prepared to experience these times fully, but they also realise that at some point they will need to re-acquaint themselves with the capacity to live a fulfilling life. At the end of the day, we are all responsible for preserving our own uniqueness. For parents of teenagers this is especially important. Young people have an immense desire to fit in, and they run the risk of selling themselves short as they adopt a narrow, cliched version of themselves. During these years, they need a guide. Someone who can inspire them and show them that you don’t have to narrow yourself to enjoy life. Balancing your own need for fulfilment with the need young people have for consistency, dependability and reliability in their parents (even if they’ll criticise you for it and tell you your life is a boring, meaningless wasteland of mediocrity) takes some doing. Children and teenagers need parents who will compassionately embrace their lives while keeping an eye on the bigger picture to find their own life’s calling. Respecting and expecting that young people will differ from you and will need to search for the activities that give their lives meaning allows parents to step back from interfering too much in their search and to take on the job of instilling hope, dreams and inspiration in their children. Some young people find their life’s meaning easily and these lucky people can identify what they feel passionate about and

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what career path they will follow from a fairly early age. With such young people, it is unwise to try to re-direct their passions; the role is to keep their life vision as broad and as open as possible. Yet others will muddle about until finally discovering a way of living a meaningful and positive life. Parenting these young people involves thinking about how to keep the five ‘C’s’ active in their lives while they are searching:1 1 Confidence and Competence: This involves going on regular treasure hunts to seek out and highlight their special talents and skills and to make much of these; 2 Contribution: This involves thinking about how young people can feel that they are making a contribution to family or society. Sometimes this will be through active involvement, sometimes through having their ideas listened to and taken seriously; 3 Character or Citizenship: Instilling values and ideals in young people is an important but tricky area. Taking the time to listen to their values and standards is one way of building character. 4 Connectedness: To the family through participation in some family celebrations, to a broad range of peers and, if possible, to the community generally. Other young people struggle to find a pathway for themselves and may spend many years in a wilderness of confusion trying to find a life role that is meaningful. These young people alarm their parents as they waywardly seek marginalised groups of people and forms of risktaking to find a way to succeed. These young people are on an important quest – to find out why they are here – and they won’t be settled until they answer that question. For the concerned parents of these young people it can be all too easy to stifle their search or to try to bring it to a closure by deciding on a life course for them. The role

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of parents is to try to minimise the danger of the search while nourishing their belief in themselves. The overall message is that one of the most important roles of a parent is to teach their children how to enjoy life, to show them that success is worth having, that life is worth living and can be celebrated. If you don’t look after yourself, how can you expect to teach your children to look after themselves? Parenting can be viewed as a gentle, long-term course that we take in learning how to accept failure gracefully – our own failings as parents and as people, and our children’s failure to see the wisdom of our suggestions. Being an effective, resilient parent may not be about success at all. It may be about allowing our children to accept our ideas as outmoded, ourselves as unfashionable and our sex lives as unthinkable. It may be more about enjoying watching our children find their own paths, than providing paths for them to follow. Some of the brave stories of parents included in this book will appeal, others may shock. Certainly, many do not conform with accepted theories of positive parenting and yet they worked. Reading books such as this one can be useful if they suggest approaches that you feel you could incorporate into your parenting style. However, this shouldn’t mislead you into feeling as if you should become someone else’s version of what a positive parent is. It is important to decide what is your natural style so that you can parent with integrity and consistency. If you are anything like most parents, your parenting style will be a jumbled mix of good and bad, of informed methods and misguided techniques that have been passed down from generation to generation. How you parent your children is partly determined by how your great-grandparents were raised by their parents. To some extent it must have been effective. You are the living proof of that. But you are lucky to be alive now. You may be part of the first generation to make conscious choices and decisions about how you will parent your children.

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Make that choice. Exult in your life and be an inspiration to your children.

o

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THE SINGLE PARENT DILEMMA DOING THE WORLD’S MOST DIFFICULT JOB – SOLO

My Son Wants to be a Father ‘At the fine age of thirteen my eldest child,

‘At first he was angry with me and told me he was just trying to help, which I’m sure he was, but I preferred to lose a father to regain a son.’

James, decided to find a career. He thought he would take on the job of filling his absent father’s shoes and become a “father figure” to his young brother and sister. He became incredibly bossy and took to ordering the others around. Crikey – I left his father because he was acting that way! I could see that if this continued he would lose the good relationship he had enjoyed with his brother and sister, not to mention driving me nuts’, said Ms Johnstone. ‘In my opinion, he was too young to become a father so I told him what he was doing was insulting to me. It was as if he was telling me that I was an inadequate parent. In the nicest possible way I told him to butt out.

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So They Think Kids in Single Parent Households are Troubled? The truth is, while life can be tougher for children in a single-parent family, it is not necessarily tougher than living with two parents who loathe one another. Parenting is different in a single-parent household and you shouldn’t measure all that you do by what two-parent households do. Children in single-parent families often develop a sense of responsibility earlier, are necessarily involved in the running of the house

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and are often more self-reliant than children in twoparent families. However, it is important to allow children to be children rather than little adults and so the mix of play and responsibility is important. Despite the bad press often directed at singleparent families, many prominent and successful people grew up with only one parent, including Phillip Adams, Clive James and Natasha Stott Despoja.

Why Don’t You Just Tell Me You Expect Me to Stuff it Up? Ms Jonas of Orchard Grove said that the most difficult thing about single parenting is not that it involves doing the toughest job in the world alone, but that every one expects you to stuff it up. ‘The number of times I’ve been politely informed by complete strangers and experts that every child from a single-parent family is a latchkey kid with no sense of responsibility and a dim future with little hope of completing education. It got so bad that I started to pretend to the school that my ex and I were still together.’

Idealisation of the ‘Other’ Parent Mrs Burrows of Kingsford spent years scratching and saving to raise her children. By any reckoning she had done a fine job.

‘Just when I thought we could really see the light of day,’ she said, ‘my son told me he wanted to live with his father. To be honest, my first thought was “You ungrateful little bugger!”. Mrs Burrows ranted and raved, and felt betrayed. ‘How could my ex, who had hardly lifted a finger for years, be seen as a desirable parent? Where had I gone wrong? My emotional pain was like a storm that had to blow and blow. ‘I tried to reason with my son but that was pointless. The more I pleaded the more I felt like a nag, and the more determined he became. Eventually I became resigned to it – like bad medicine. ‘I thought, “Right, if that’s the way it’s going to be he can do all the parenting and I can play at being the good one for a change”. Now my son lives with his Dad, we catch up and do things we never did when we lived together. I’d still prefer that he lived with me but at least this way I’ll end up having a good relationship 1 with him.’

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THE INQUISITIVE PARENT DILEMMA TELEPHONES

I Wanted My Children to be Popular, Now I Can’t Use the Telephone

revenge with a capital R. Parents around Australia have nominated this as one of THE BIG ISSUES! You can either decide not to bother about telephone calls, or you can try to change it.

Tired of waiting endless hours to use your own phone? Tired of phoning home only to get the engaged signal? Tired of your adolescent rushing in to phone someone they have spent all day at school with? Tired of that teenager talking absolute rubbish for endless hours on the phone? Revenge can be yours! Yes, we are not talking about nice, simple behavioural change strategies here – we are talking

Step One: Set a maximum time for calls and have everyone (including yourself) stick to it. When that doesn’t work, move to the next step. Step Two: Use an eggtimer and say ‘You have that much time before I pull the plug’.

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Step Three: Pull the plug (and disappear quickly). When that doesn’t work, move to the next step. Step Four: Install a second phone. Step Five: When your teenagers use the phone, pick up the second phone after a reasonable period of time has passed and start providing your teenager’s friends with advice. Suggestions about how to improve their romantic lives will be particularly welcomed by your own teenager, especially if you include details of your own experience when you were a teenager. Watch Mrs Fawlty from ‘Fawlty Towers’ if you need guidance on your phone style. Practise the phrase ‘I know, I know, dear.’ When this doesn’t work, resort to the final step! Step Six: Get ‘Call Waiting’, purchase another phone line, put a lock on the phone, get a pay phone, or buy some pigeons and be done with the whole damned thing. There used to be a nifty trick that involved a couple of jam tins and a piece of string. In desperation, you could always try that!

When in doubt, interrupt the call with romantic advice from your own youth …

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THE TELEVISED PARENT DILEMMA TELEVISION AND VIDEOS

Shock! Teenager Watches Too Much Television – Tune On, Turn Off, Drop In!

Teenagers use television and film to understand their world, and many identify with the characters on shows. Horror films become particularly popular during the teenage years as young people try to make sense of their

It probably won’t surprise you that television

bodies and seek ways of

viewing peaks in the early teenage years. On

expressing the anxiety about

average, 13–17-year-olds watch 17 hours of

their personal growth and

television each week and listen to 16 hours

development.

of radio. It has been estimated that by the

It is important to sit down

age of 18, the average nineties child has

every so often and watch your

viewed 350 000 commercials on television.

teenager’s favourite shows with

Expressed in another way – the average 18-

them, as this creates an

year-old has spent 160.4 days of their lives

opportunity to discuss issues

watching television commercials.

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1

portrayed in the shows.

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More Cunning Plans Parents have been ingenious in devising ways to reduce their teenage children’s amount of television viewing. Unfortunately, their children have shown even more rat cunning. Set times in advance using a television guide and ask everyone to mark the shows they want to watch.

of viewing time. At the start of the week I gave each of my children seven tokens. In the first few weeks, a black market economy in TV tokens apparently flourished – when I collected all the tokens, I found I had more than when I started.’

Tape favourite programs so they can be watched on the weekend. Or don’t focus on television time. Instead, focus on having set times when you do something else and the television is off. One mother said: ‘I told them I’d had enough and turned the television off. They sat around watching the blank screen. I couldn’t believe it. Then I realised if I wanted them to do other things apart from watching TV I was going to need to show them how’. It is important to know that you shouldn’t aim to come up with a system that works for all time. Instead, aim for something that shakes up the current arrangement positively.

A Critical TV Review for Parents ‘Father Knows Best’ – Oh, really? ‘The Brady Bunch’ – How can two people who sleep in separate beds look that happy? On second thoughts, don’t answer that. ‘My Three Sons’ – Guess what happened to the mother! ‘The Addams Family’ – How to live with your extended family. ‘Xena, Warrior Princess’ – The guide for mothers.

Pay-as-You-Watch Plan Television had become a big problem in the Diatavo household. ‘It was on day and night. I would go to bed, only to wake and find my son up watching something,’ said Mrs Diatavo. ‘In the morning, I’d wake to find my daughter watching cartoons. I was going crazy. My friends said sell the TV, but I enjoy it too so why should I miss out? ‘I decided if I was giving them pocket money I could also give out tokens that allowed a set amount of television viewing time. So I made up tokens and made each one worth thirty minutes

No Television Can be a Problem One father said he was called to his son’s school to be told: ‘We’re worried by your son’s televisionwatching. He is obsessed with it. Clearly he watches far too much – he speaks of nothing else’. The father replied, ‘That’s strange, we don’t own a television set’. The father decided to get a television.

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THE VOLCANIC PARENT DILEMMA TEMPER AND ANGER

Anger and Aggression are Not the Same For many young people, adolescence is a time of heightened sensitivity and passions. It is not surprising that many parents find that their young people express their emotions more forcefully during this time. We need to make a clear distinction between anger (an emotion that probably should be expressed) and aggression (an act of violence or intimidation that should not be accepted). Aggression or violence towards parents by their adolescents is more common than most people believe, but it is not usually talked about. Aggression can mean using abusive language, frightening, threatening or physically hurting a parent, or

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damaging furniture and property in the home. Teenagers often haven’t learned the skill of containing their emotions. Often it is the parents who will need to walk away before an argument escalates into aggression. Physical fights between parents and their children are very damaging.

Lose Your Temper! Telling your teenager that you are taking on the job of creating a non-violent household is an important first step. Everyone has the right to feel safe, especially in their own home. Usually, young people are aggressive when either:

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•

they have witnessed violence and believe it to be an appropriate way to get what they want; • they are frustrated and feel unheard and thwarted; • they are unhappy – as adolescence is a time of amplified emotions, sometimes arguments erupt to distract them from what is really bothering them; or • they are alcohol- or drug-affected. Ask them what they think creates so much anger in the house. Don’t be tempted to respond or defend yourself at this stage. Just listen. Joining them in their angst and sour bitterness is rarely helpful. If possible, allow some time for cooling off. Think about what leads to a conflict. Consider how your behaviour may or may not contribute to the escalation. If other family members are being hurt by the aggression, you will need to protect them. Otherwise, the message inadvertently given is that it is okay to intimidate, bully and threaten. Trying to avoid the issue doesn’t help. Aggression is not a passing phase. In extreme cases, young people who behave aggressively may be unable to live with their families for a time. Removal will sometimes necessarily involve the police.

Stand Up for Your Rights Mr Jackson of Rowville said that he came home to a distraught wife after she had been

screamed at and sworn at for hours by their teenage son. ‘The language used wasn’t pretty, but I never heard it. He was as quiet as a mouse when I was around. ‘I told him, “Don’t talk to your mother like that”, but after a few days realised that was having no effect. So the next time it happened I took him into a small room and I said, “Anyone who gives my wife a hard time, gets a hard time from me. You insult my wife and you insult me. Don’t talk to my wife like that”. He looked a bit shocked but he listened. ‘More importantly, he stopped it.’

The P’d Off Book The Dixon family of Willaura felt that they weren’t dealing with family disputes well. ‘Either they would flare up out of nowhere or there would be this sense of brooding around the house,’ related Mrs Dixon. ‘Our feeling was that resentments that should have been dealt with were going underground and emerging as conflicts, sometimes over unrelated matters. So we invented a “P’d off book”. ‘This is a book in which everyone has to write down at least one thing, and maybe many more things, that have really annoyed them during the week. ‘Originally we were going to discuss the issues once a week but the book has created such interest that our kids read it every day. Oh, it’s important for parents to put their isssues in, too.’

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THE BLEND(ER)ED PARENT DILEMMA YOUR KIDS AND MY KIDS ARE BEATING UP OUR KIDS – ISSUES FOR BLENDED FAMILIES The Step-parent Trap Families where one or other partner have been previously married and have children from that relationship are becoming increasingly common. Step-families don’t get great press coverage – stepmothers are often shown as wicked souls and stepfathers as abusive. One early decision is whether you are going to attempt co-parenting of your children and work your way through the ‘You’re not my real Dad/Mum – you can’t be the boss of me’ phase, or whether parenting of children will be their biological parent’s responsibility. When there are teenagers involved, it is often better to stick to the biological parent taking charge. This avoids some of the issues around divided loyalties that are so powerful during the teenage years.

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Artificial Closeness Doesn’t Work Manufacturing closeness by insisting on all outings together, kissing step-parents goodnight, and calling the new parent ‘Mum’ or ‘Dad’ doesn’t work. It takes just as much time, if not slightly longer, for a step-family to form as it does for an intact family. ‘When we bought a new house we decided to economise on the number of bedrooms, as my two kids only spent every second weekend with us. What we saved on the bedrooms we lost in worry, stress and conflict over the next few years.’ – one battle-worn father.

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Step-families Are Different While a lot of the comments in this book apply equally to all types of families, there are some specific issues that step-families face. • Recognise that step-families are different and don’t use your first, intact family as a comparison. • Try to be tolerant of differences in family habits, traditions and anniversaries. • Step-families need to be even more careful about issues of who sleeps where and need to ensure that each family member has a place – if there is even the slightest whiff of unfairness and injustice, it will be picked up on and will turn into conflict. For this reason, it is wise to sort out issues such as wills, finances, shared property and separate property as early as possible. • Step-parents and teenagers often have a heady time together and it may be wise to leave conflictual matters to the biological parent. • Allow occasional outings 1for just the biological parent and children.

Step-Parent as Caped Crusader Mr Neville said that when he entered his new family he decided that his wife’s children were her business and that he was just going to be a friend. “Ha! I wonder how many step-parents have said that?” he said wistfully. “Her children took to me fairly well but started paying out on their mother dreadfully. Everything had been fine when we were just going out together, so I didn’t expect their reaction. I started to defend her. One night I got

really angry with them all and yelled and ranted and raved. I especially lost it with her teenage son. He was slobbing around in a sulky kind of way that seemed just like the way she’d told me her exhusband acted. “At the end of it the kids were crying in their rooms and my wife wasn’t speaking to me. I realised then that she had lived with these kids for years alone, and while I wanted to love her and defend her, this was a battle she had to have alone. The next morning I told everyone I’d gone over the mark, I apologised and told them I’d decided to be Joan’s lover and the children’s friend. I don’t know if that’s the right thing to do but it worked for us.”

Super Step-parent Reveals All ‘I was so fair when we first lived together that it was unbelievable’, sighed Mrs Lamond of Tea Tree Bay. ‘Then my older children came up for a weekend and I prepared special treats. Guess what? The others complained and went on about how unfair it all was. I was furious. After all the effort I’d gone to and they still accused me of being unfair. I explained that they get special treats all the time, while I only see the other two every so often. It made no difference. I totally forgot that children in intact families also whinge about their siblings receiving preferential treatment. Now I just tell them, “Congratulations, you are living in a normal family”.’

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Chapter Notes

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Chapter One – Raising Real People

The stories used in this book have been altered slightly to preserve people’s anonymity, although they retain the integrity of their experiences. Names and places have therefore been changed throughout. Dilemmas Teenage Bedrooms – A Disaster or What? 1 With apologies to the author of ‘The Twelve Days of Christmas’. Bullying 1 Further information on this topic is available in: Fuller, A. 1998, From Surviving to Thriving: Promoting Mental Health in Young People. ACER, Melbourne; Olweus, D. 1995; ‘Bullying or peer abuse at school – facts and interventions.’ Current Directions in Psychological Science 4, 6, 196–200; Rigby, K. 1996, Bullying in Schools and What to Do About It. ACER, Melbourne. Chores and Household Jobs 1 The story ‘Teen Union Comes to the Table’ is shamelessly adapted from one of the Fred

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Dagg scripts by John Clarke. 2 ‘Australia’s teenagers speak out on chores’ refers to two sources of research: Bowes, J.M., Chalmers, D. & Flanagan, C. 1997, ‘Children’s involvement in household work: Views of adolescents in six countries.’ Family Matters, 46, Autumn, 26–30. 3 Fuller, A., McGraw, K. & Goodyear, M. 1998, op. cit.

Chapter Two – Families When They Work Well

1 William Saroyan, cited in Alberto Manguel 1986, Evening Games: Chronicles of Parents and Children, Penguin, Canada. 2 I’m grateful to Ric Pawsey for introducing me to the concept of the family debate. 3 Sven Silburn made this point at the National Parenting Conference in 1997. 4 Fuller, A., McGraw, K. & Goodyear, M. 1988, The Mind of Youth. Department of Education, Victoria. 5 I am grateful to Daniel Chable for this story, as well as for his wise guidance. 6 This concept was introduced in Robin Skynner and John Cleese 1983, Families and How to Survive Them, Methuen, London. Dilemmas Concentration and Attention Difficulties 1 Cantwell, D.P. 1996, ‘Attention Deficit Disorder: A review of the past 10 years.’ Journal of the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry, 35, 8, 978–987. Depression and the Teenage Blues Birmaher, B., Ryan, N.D., Williamson, B.A., Brent, D.A., Kaufman, J., Dahl, R.E., Perel, J. & Nelson, B. 1996, ‘Childhood and adolescent depression: A review of the past 10 years. Part I.’ Journal of the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry, 35, 11, 1427–1439; Birmaher, B., Ryan, N.D., Williamson, B.A., Brent, D.A. & Kaufman, J. 1996, ‘Childhood and adolescent depression: A review of the past 10 years. Part II.’ Journal of the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry, 35, 12, 1575–1582. Dieting and Body Concerns 1 This research was undertaken by Susan Paxton and Eleanor Wertheim. 2 For a wonderful example of this, see Kaz Cooke’s great 1995 book Real Gorgeous, Allen & Unwin, Sydney. 3 Further information on this topic is available in: Morgan, H.G. & Russell, G.F.M. 1975, ‘Value of family background and clinical features as predictors of long-term outcome in anorexia nervosa.’ Psychological Medicine, 5, 355–371.

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Drugs and Alcohol 1 Further information on this topic is available in: Hawkins, D., Catalano, R. & Miller, J. 1992, ‘Risk and protective factors for alcohol and other drug problems in adolescence and early childhood: Implications for substance abuse prevention.’ Psychological Bulletin, 112, 1, 64–105. 2 The Australian Drug Foundation has an invaluable collection of materials. Chapter Three – Parenting Practices that Don’t Usually Work

1 This concept has been adapted from a concept outlined originally in Brian Cade and William Hudson O’Hanlon’s 1993, A Brief Guide to Brief Therapy, W.W. Norton, New York. 2 This concept was first stated by Fisch, Weakland and Segal in 1982, The Tactics of Change: Doing Therapy Briefly, Jossey-Bass, San Francisco. 3 I am grateful to John Tudor for many things – among them, introducing me to the ‘Things We Can Learn from Dogs’ quotes. Dilemmas Fathers – You are Important in Ways You Don’t Realise 1 Fuller, A., McGraw, K. & Goodyear, M. 1998, op. cit. Fears, Worries and Other Anxieties 1 Muris, P., Meesters, C., Merckelbach, H., Sermon, A. & Zwakhalen, S. 1998, ‘Worry in normal children.’ Journal of the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry, 37, 7, 703 Chapter Four – Teenagers and Families through Time

1 I am indebted to the work of Jon Stratton, David Moore, Hugh McKay, Philip Hayward and Rob White and Bob Bellhouse, as well as the memories and recollections of many friends and relatives. 2 First named by Leif Edvinsson and expanded on by Jay Jamrog. Jamrog, J. (1997) The Generations at Work: work ethic, loyalty and attitudes, Human Resource Planning Annual. Conference ‘Business Issues: Get Linked or get lost’16–19 April, San Francisco. Dilemmas Homework 1 Fuller, A., McGraw, K. & Goodyear, M. 1998, op. cit. Chronic Illness and Young People 1 Books for parents: McCue, Kathleen, How to Help Children Through a Parent’s Serious Illness. St Martin’s Press; John Allison/Monkhouse Support Services, ‘Children and Death.’

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Books for children: Dean, Anna, Meggie’s Magic. Penguin Books, Melbourne. About the loss of a sister; Warland, Jane, Our Baby Died. Published by the Joint Board of Christian Education; Mellonie, Bryan & Ingham, Robert, Beginnings and Endings with Lifetimes In Between. Hill of Content, Melbourne. For older children. Chapter Five – The Ages and Phases of Parenting

1 An earlier version of this chapter was originally produced as a conference workshop in collaboration with Michael Schwarz and Carolyn Mier, and I wish to acknowledge and thank them for their contribution. 2 Many of the figures contained in this chapter have been obtained from Australian census figures as well as the Australian Institute of Family Studies materials. 3 Freidman, L. 1990, Why Can’t I Sleep at Nana’s Any More? Matchbooks, Melbourne and Smith, P.K. ed. 1991, The Psychology of Grandparenthood: An International Perspective. Routledge, London. Dilemmas How to be a Mother and Stay Sane in the Process 1 Fuller, A., McGraw, K. & Goodyear, M. 1998, op. cit. Pocket Money 1 Fuller, A., McGraw, K. & Goodyear, M. 1998, op. cit. Chapter Six – Parenting Adolescents: The Delights and Dilemmas

Dilemmas Resilience and Young People 1 Resnick, M.D. et al. 1997, ‘Protecting adolescents from harm: findings from the National Longitudinal Study on Adolescent Health.’ Journal of the American Medical Association, 278, 10, 823–832; Resnick, M.D. Harris, L.J. & Blum, R.W. 1993, ‘The impact of caring and connectedness on adolescent health and well-being.’ Journal of Paediatrics and Child Health, 29, Suppl. 1, s3–s9. School 1 Fuller, A., McGraw, K. & Goodyear, M. 1998, op. cit; Rutter, M., Maughan, B., Mortimore, P. & Outson, J. 1979, Fifteen Thousand Hours: Secondary Schools and Their Effects on Children. Open University, London. School Transitions 1 Felner, R.D. & Adan, A.A. 1988, The school transitional environment project: An ecological intervention and evaluation. In Price, R.H. , Cowen, E.L. et al. (eds). 2 ‘Fourteen Ounces of Prevention.’ American Psychological Association, Washington, pp. 111–122.

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Chapter Seven – Parenting Adolescents: The Disgust, The Disdain and The Disinterest

Dilemmas Self-esteem 1 Marsh, H.W. 1990, ‘Influences of internal and external frames of reference on the formation and math and English self-concepts.’ Journal of Educational Psychology, 82, 1, 107–116. Sex and Romance 1 Fuller, A., McGraw, K. & Goodyear, M. 1998, op. cit. Sibling Relationships 1 I am grateful to Lee Kidwell for her provision of a review of relevant literature in this area. 2 Brody, G.H. 1998, ‘Sibling relationship quality: Its causes and consequences.’ Annual Review of Psychology, 49, 1–24; Cicirelli, V.G. 1995, Sibling Relationships Across the Life Span. Plenum Press, New York. Chapter Nine – The Resilient Parent

1 Blum, R.W. 1998, ‘Healthy youth development as a model for youth health promotion.’ Journal of Adolescent Health, 22, 368–75. Dilemmas Doing the World’s Most Difficult Job — Solo Books for parents: Henley, Lynette, So Now You’re on Your Own: A Positive Approach for Single Parents. Harper Collins, Sydney; Burrett, Jill, To and Fro Children. Allen & Unwin, Sydney. Temper and Anger 1 Dodge, K.A., Lochman, J.E., Harnish, J.D., Bates, J.E. & Petit, G.S. 1997, ‘Reactive and proactive aggression in school children and psychiatrically impaired chronically assaultive youth.’ Journal of Abnormal Psychology, 106, 1, 37–51; Kellam, S.G., Rebok, G.W., Ialongo, N. & Mayer, L.S. 1994, ‘The course and malleability of aggressive behaviour from early first grade into middle school: Results of a developmental epidemiologically-based preventive trial.’ Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry, 35, 2, 259–281; Kellerman, A.L., FuquaWhitley, D.S., Rivara, F.P. & Mervy, J. 1998, ‘Preventing youth violence: What works?’ Annual Review of Public Health, 19, 271–292; Kingston, L & Prior, M. 1995, ‘The development of patterns of stable, transient, and school age aggressive behavior in young children.’ Journal of the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry, 34, 348–358; Moffit, T.E. 1993, ‘Adolescence limited and life course persistent antisocial behaviour: A developmental taxonomy.’ Psychological Review, 100, 674–701; Novaco, R.W. 1975, Anger Control: The Development and Evaluation of an Experimental Treatment. Lexington Books, Lexington, MA; Novaco, R.W. 1985, ‘Anger and its therapeutic regulation.’ In Chesney, M.A. & Rosenman,

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R. Eds, Advances in the Study of Aggression, Vol. 2. Academic Press, New York; Offord, D.R. & Bennett, K.J. 1994, ‘Conduct disorder: Long term outcomes and intervention effectiveness.’ Journal of the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry, 33, 8, 1069–1078; Patterson, G.R. 1995, ‘Coercion as a basis for early age of onset for arrest.’ In McCord, J. Ed., Coercion and Punishment in Long-term Perspectives. Cambridge University Press, New York; Patterson, G.R. 1986, ‘The contribution of siblings to training for fighting: A micro-social analysis.’ In Olweus, D., Block, J. & Radke-Yarrow, M. Eds., Development of Antisocial and Prosocial Behavior: Research, Theories and Issues. Academic Press, New York; Pawsey, R. & Fuller, A. 1994, ‘Aggression and Dangerousness.’ In Fuller, A. & Pawsey, R. Eds., Young People at Risk: Mental Health and Homelessness Issues. VicHealth, Melbourne. Your Kids and My Kids are Beating Up Our Kids – Issues for Blended Families 1 Webber, R. 1989, Living in a Step Family. ACER, Melbourne; Ochiltree, G. 1990, Children in Stepfamilies. Prentice Hall, New York.

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