OUR LOVING RELATIONSHIP No part of this digital document may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or transmitted in any form or by any means. The publisher has taken reasonable care in the preparation of this digital document, but makes no expressed or implied warranty of any kind and assumes no responsibility for any errors or omissions. No liability is assumed for incidental or consequential damages in connection with or arising out of information contained herein. This digital document is sold with the clear understanding that the publisher is not engaged in rendering legal, medical or any other professional services.
OUR LOVING RELATIONSHIP
WILLIAM G. EMENER, PH.D. AND
WILLIAM A. LAMBOS, PH.D.
Nova Science Publishers, Inc. New York
Copyright © 2009 by Nova Science Publishers, Inc. All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or transmitted in any form or by any means: electronic, electrostatic, magnetic, tape, mechanical photocopying, recording or otherwise without the written permission of the Publisher. For permission to use material from this book please contact us: Telephone 631-231-7269; Fax 631-231-8175 Web Site: http://www.novapublishers.com NOTICE TO THE READER The Publisher has taken reasonable care in the preparation of this book, but makes no expressed or implied warranty of any kind and assumes no responsibility for any errors or omissions. No liability is assumed for incidental or consequential damages in connection with or arising out of information contained in this book. The Publisher shall not be liable for any special, consequential, or exemplary damages resulting, in whole or in part, from the readers’ use of, or reliance upon, this material. This publication is designed to provide accurate and authoritative information with regard to the subject matter covered herein. It is sold with the clear understanding that the Publisher is not engaged in rendering legal or any other professional services. If legal or any other expert assistance is required, the services of a competent person should be sought. FROM A DECLARATION OF PARTICIPANTS JOINTLY ADOPTED BY A COMMITTEE OF THE AMERICAN BAR ASSOCIATION AND A COMMITTEE OF PUBLISHERS. LIBRARY OF CONGRESS CATALOGING-IN-PUBLICATION DATA
Emener, William G. (William George) Our loving relationship / William G. Emener, and William A. Lambos. p. cm. ISBN 978-1-61668-121-0 (E-Book) 1. Marital psychotherapy. 2. Family psychotherapy. I. Lambos, William A. II. Title. RC488.5.E44 2009 616.89'1562--dc22 2008041232 Published by Nova Science Publishers, Inc. - New York
DEDICATION We dedicate this book to our families. Individually and collectively, you loved us and taught us how to be who we are – loving individuals. To each of you, in our pasts and presents – you know who you are.
CONTENTS List of Figures
xiii
Acknowledgements
xvii
Prologue About This Book A Companion Book Some Critical Assumptions A Bibliotherapeutic Approach The Road Ahead
xix xxi xxiii xxiv xxv xxix
Chapter One
Love Types of Love This is Your Brain on Love Differences between Love and... Don't Confuse Love with... Love Triangle Unconditional Love
1 1 4 6 8 10 15
Chapter Two
Loving Being Loved and Feeling Loved Loving Roles We Play A Triple-A Rating My Need to Feel Special The Little Child within Us
17 18 20 23 25 26
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Chapter Three
Chapter Four
Chapter Five
Contents Little Things Mean a Lot Forgetting and Forgiving
27 29
Our Pasts Your Individual Pasts Your Relationship’s Past, Present and Futures The Interaction Effect of Your Pasts Dysfunctional Relationships and Living Parallel Lives Recycling One's Abusive Relationship History
31 32 33 36 38 39
Relationship Analysis A Best Indication Signs of Decay Our Relationship Questions We Ask Ourselves Targets of Our Attention Situational Issues and Relationship Issues Characteristics of an Ideal Relationship Good and Bad Times Capacities and Potentials What You Want and What He/She Needs Understanding Your Dance Relationship Potentials Questions to Ask Nurse-Patient Relationships The Lightning Rod in a Relationship Levels of a Relationship The Pieces of My Life You Want
43 44 44 46 48 50
Congruence and Balance The A, B, C's of Loving Relationships
75 75
52 53 54 57 58 61 63 65 67 68 69 71
Contents Linkages: Feelings, Thoughts and Actions Balance New Experiences – Old Feelings What I Want You to See Think It, Feel It, and Do It
ix
79 83 86 88 90
Chapter Six
Outside Factors and Features Primary-Immediate Family Blended Families Children Distance A Disability Other Outside Factors
93 94 98 103 104 106 110
Chapter Seven
Other People A Third Person in a Two-Seater The Transition Person The Affair Person The Maintenance Person
113 115 116 118 122
Chapter Eight
Needs and Wants Differences between Needs and Wants Meeting My Needs and Wants Matching Our Roles with Our Needs Similar Wants and Needs In or Outside the Relationship Over-Estimating Our Expectations of Each Other Limited Assumptions Logical Consequences
125 125 127 129 131 134
Expectations and Dependence What Are Your Expectations Let Others Know What You Expect Social Sanctioning Co-, In-, and Inter-Dependence
141 141 145 147 148
Chapter Nine
136 137 139
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Contents
Chapter Ten
Boundaries and Control Values: Foundations for Boundaries Negotiating Boundaries and Limits Only One “Should” Functional and Dysfunctional Controls Active and Passive Control Perceived Control Internal and External Control
155 156 160 161 163 164 166 168
Chapter Eleven
Lifestyles Individual Lifestyles and Relationship Lifestyles Functional and Dysfunctional Lifestyles Control Your Relationship Lifestyle Communication Styles Living a Lie
171
Chapter Twelve
Chapter Thirteen
173 177 179 180 183
Monetary and Equity Issues Money Values and Attitudes Worth and Meaning Equitable Equity Monetary and Equity Issues That Couples in Long-Term Relationships Need to Pay Attention To
185 187 187 189 190
Problems Solvable Problems Unsolvable Problems Making Problems Less Problematic Gridlock Abuse Separation Fighting Well
199 200 203 205 207 207 209 210
194
Contents Chapter Fourteen
Chapter Fifteen
Chapter Sixteen
Relationship Skills Establishing, Maintaining and Ending Skills Empathy (Listening) Skills Importance of Coping Skills Seeing a Professional Counselor, Therapist or Family Mediator Seeking Professional Help What Are Your Goals One Therapist, One Client Wants and Willingnesses Willingness to Work Be Your Best to Give Your Best Real versus Social Recovery What Are My/Our Options? How a Professional Counselor, Therapist or Family Mediator Can Be Helpful to You Responsibility: Cause ⇔ Cure; Past ⇔ Future Appreciation and Understanding I Could Do – You Could Do Analyze the Love in Your Relationship Structure Your Schedule, Including Time for Psychological Vacations Mediation as an Alternative to Counseling and Therapy Benefits of Support Groups
Chapter Seventeen Some Suggestions about Getting Help from a Professional We Help You Help Yourself Avoid Quick-Fix Temptations Avoid Subconscious Sabotage The Paralysis of Analysis
xi 215 217 221 227 231 235 240 242 244 245 246 246 249
251 252 254 256 258 261 263 265 267 267 268 269 270
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Contents Stay Focused on the Present Stages of Change Efforts Progress May Be Slow and Gradual Realistic Expectations: Behavior and Emotions Don’t Expect Immediate Results The Downside of an Upswing When to Come Back
270 271 274 276 279 279 281
Epilogue
285
Reflections and Doorknob Issues Reflections Doorknob Issues
285 285 291
About the Authors
293
Subject Index
297
LIST OF FIGURES Figure 1.1.
An fMRI Image of the Brain.
Figure 1.2.
The Love Triangle.
10
Figure 2.1.
Loving Roles We Play.
21
Figure 4.1.
Perceptions of Our Relationship.
48
Figure 4.2.
Targets of Our Attention.
51
Figure 4.3.
Good Times and Bad Times.
55
Figure 4.4.
What You Want and What He/She Needs.
59
Figure 4.5.
Understanding Your “Dance.”
61
Figure 4.6.
“Levels” of a Loving Relationship.
70
Figure 4.7.
The Pieces of My Life You Want.
72
Figure 5.1.
How We Relate to Each Other: Affectively, Behaviorally and Cognitively.
76
Linkages among Feelings, Thoughts and Actions.
80
Figure 5.2.
5
xiv Figure 5.3.
List of Figures Our Feelings, Thoughts and Actions Toward: Self, the Other Person and Our Relationship.
81
Figure 5.4.
A Need for Balance in Our Lives.
85
Figure 5.5.
Relationships among Old Experiences and Responses to New Experiences.
87
My Social Self, My Ideal Self and My Real Self.
89
Primary, Immediate and Future Families.
95
Figure 6.2.
Illustration of a Blended Family.
102
Figure 6.3.
Impact of Disability on Chris and Mildred’s Relationship.
107
Figure 7.1.
A Third Person in a Two-Seater.
116
Figure 7.2.
Example of a “Transition Person.”
117
Figure 8.1.
Understanding Our “Roles” and How We Meet Our Needs and Wants.
130
Specifying How and with Whom We Meet Our Needs and Wants.
135
Establishing Values in a Loving Relationship.
158
Figure 10.2.
Active and Passive Control.
165
Figure 10.3.
Internal and External Control.
169
Figure 11.1.
Individual and Collective Lifestyles.
175
Figure 11.2.
Communication Styles.
181
Figure 5.6. Figure 6.1.
Figure 8.2. Figure 10.1.
List of Figures Figure 14.1.
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Areas of Focus during Three Loving Relationship Stages.
218
Figure 14.2.
Empathic Understanding.
223
Figure 15.1.
Going Ahead – Not Back to Where You Were.
241
Real (Psychological) versus Social (“As If”) Recovery.
248
Who’s Responsible for the Cause and the Cure.
253
Analyze the Love in Your Relationship.
260
Figure 17.1.
Stages of Change Efforts.
273
Figure 17.2.
Progress May Be Slow and Gradual.
275
Figure 17.3.
Realistic Expectations: Behavior and Emotions.
278
Figure 17.4.
The Downside of an Upswing.
280
Figure 17.5.
When to Come Back.
282
Figure 15.2. Figure 16.1. Figure 16.2.
ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS First and foremost, we extend a hearty “Thank-you!” to all of our past and current clients, who over the years taught us much wisdom – wisdom that not only greatly assisted us in our professional work but our personal lives as well. In many ways, the high level veracity and integrity of the content this book enjoys is because of the exceptional field-review editing done on an earlier draft of the book manuscript. Commensurately, we shall forever be grateful to Nicole M. Stratis Kratimenos and Andrea Malas for their timely and diligent attention to detail and real-world issues. In a nutshell – Nicole and Andrea, “We owe ya!” And just when we thought we had a “perfect book manuscript,” we smiled in great appreciation for the exceptional wordsmith skills of Dr. Brian Downing, a professional copyeditor extraordinaire. “Thank you Brian!” Our respective families – children, grandchildren and loved ones – have been respectfully caring and compassionate when over the past few months we replied to many of their requests with, “Okay, as soon as I finish editing this chapter.” Their unerring love did not go unnoticed and to all of them we extend our sincerest appreciation. A special and genuine “Thank you” is well deserved by Mr. Frank Columbus, President, and Maya Columbus, Director of Acquisitions, and their staff at Nova Science Publishers. They not only offered numerous words of wisdom along the way and helped us with deadlines while maintaining the highest of standards, but they
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did it with class and epitomized the essence of first-class professionals in the world of publishing. Bill and Bill
PROLOGUE I’ve been feeling so trapped. He’s a good man. He tries to be a good husband, I guess. But I seem to be losing my sense of who I am. I just don’t know what to do! He seems happy with our marriage. And he probably thinks I’m happy. That’s the crazy thing about it. But when I try to talk to him, he just says, “You're just tired, Honey” or “As soon as I finish this contract, we’ll go on a week’s vacation and everything will be better.” I love him so much. But he just really doesn’t realize how stifled I feel. I’m in such a rut. Sometimes I feel like I’m being smothered. It’s like I’m drowning. Maybe I’ll see if my folks will watch the baby for us this weekend. We’ll get away. Maybe if we could get away from the TV and the phone, the yard work and all that other stuff, we could really communicate. Running on the beach together and a walk in the moonlight after dinner... maybe we’re both in a rut? We need to get that flame back. The gas is on. Maybe all I need to do is strike a match. If I have anything to do about it, this weekend we’re out of here!
***** I just wish she would treat me as nice as the people in my office do. All I ever get from her is, “Why do you have to play softball two nights a week? Do you have to have a beer as soon as you walk in the door? When are we going to have an evening for ourselves? blah, blah, blah!” We use to go out together all the time… shoot, we use to play on a co-ed softball team together. And what the hell
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William G. Emener and William A. Lambos – why would I want to stay home anyway? The way she nags all the time... Last month she said, “Okay, you cut down on your beer and I’ll lose weight.” Yeah right! For the following two weeks, I had maybe one or two beers a week. But she’s still as big as a house, and getting bigger every day! She says she wants to make our relationship better. Okay, you talk the talk but you can’t walk the walk! And I know… everyday that new girl in the office is looking better and better. I’ve been upfront and faithful all the way, but why should I? It isn’t making any difference.
T
hese two kinds of scenarios regarding loving take place every weekend – at St. Pete Beach, in the mountains in Vail, and in apartments in New York City. They also take place in the minds and hearts of millions of people throughout the world everyday. If you are an adult, chances are you have felt this way regarding someone special in the past, in the present, or you may feel this way regarding someone special in the future. If not, either you have never been hurt or you live under a rock. An a priori assumption underlying this book is that human beings want, work for and strive to be in a loving relationship. We also assume that if you are reading this book, you are not living under a rock (or if you are, you are at least peeking out from under it). We have enjoyed the wonderful sight of a loved one running out of the house to greet us, the excitement of looking forward to running on the beach or walking in the moonlight with a loved one. However, we also have experienced what it’s like to feel stifled and smothered and to have someone make promises to us and never follow through. We know what it’s like to feel like you’re living under a rock. And as you may know from your own experiences, the trip from the rock to the beach can be hell. Most times it entails risk, awareness, compromise, forgiveness, commitment, and sometimes the scariest thing of all – change. However, if you have any idea of what we are talking about, you also know that it is worth it. It’s what life is all about. In our hearts and souls, we hope that this book is helpful to you.
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A sunset shared is more than a sunset.
ABOUT THIS BOOK We have read many books over the course of our lives, and during the past fifteen years our readings and writings have included an increasing number of the popular, self-help types of books. As authors, counselors, psychologists and academicians, we also have gained an enhanced appreciation for a book’s prologue. Among other things, a prologue provides a generalized background of a book, a sense of who (not just what) the author or authors are, and a global appreciation for the book’s content, organization and overall flavor. Such are the primary purposes of the following. In many ways, what we bring to this book is an extension of us, Drs. Emener and Lambos, the professionals, and Bill Emener and Bill Lambos, the persons, the human beings. On the professional side, we have been professional counselors, rehabilitation counselor educators, university-based researchers and scholars for over thirty-seven years. Between us, we also have been licensed psychologists in three different states for thirty-three years. Each of us has dated, married, divorced, remarried; and each has children whom we lovingly watch grow and experience their own loving relationships. As you shall see, throughout the book we share some relevant aspects of our own, unique experiences and trust that you will enjoy the personal side roads along the way. Importantly, we have been fortunate enough to experience both the knowledge derived through scientific inquiry and scholarly learning, and to see how it translates into clinical practice and becomes an integral part of the lore of the professions of counseling and psychotherapy. What emerge are sets of “common knowledge” among clinicians. Thus, we would like to suggest that this book, Our Loving Relationship, is truly an extension of us and of our lives. In addition to a blending of our professional and personal lives, each of our experiences has also been unique in the same way that every loving relationship, like every snowflake, is unique unto
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itself and will never exist in exactly the same way again. In many ways we simply do not know, nor can we pinpoint where many of the ideas in this book have come from. Thus, let’s just consider this book to be a culmination and sharing of the significant aspects of loving relationships that we two have gleaned during our journeys through life. We would like to talk with you for a moment about the purposes of this book. It is neither our intention to bore you with research data nor demonstrate how we can meticulously cull and reference academic and professional literature. More than anything else, we want to shine a spotlight on some of the significant and critical issues in loving relationships that we have learned from working with our clients. Our work as licensed psychologists and therapists over these many years has often been focused on working with couples. These include married couples working on marital issues, individuals engaged to be married or in exclusive, “significant-other” relationships, and individuals who were separated, widowed or divorced yet trying to deal with numerous aspects of their love life and their relationships. Each of us has spent months carefully going through all of our notes from more than three hundred clients with whom we worked over a fifteen-year period as psychologists. It is also important for you to know that while we are sharing with you many of the stories from the lives of these individuals, we have gone through the book carefully to change all of the names to fictitious ones and to eliminate any special characteristics that might identify any of them by name or association. We made very careful notes on what we talked about with clients and what critical aspects of loving relationships were important to them in their lives. As a matter of fact, we find ourselves caught up in the observation that many of the aspects of loving relationships gleaned from these case histories have been true for the majority of the thousands of individuals with whom we have worked over the past thirty-five years. As you will see, we occasionally talk about our own lives throughout the book as well. Collectively, we trust that you will find these experiences to embody a wealth of knowledge that will be helpful to you.
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A COMPANION BOOK As denoted by the title of, and the 17 chapters in this book, Our Loving Relationship, the focus of this book is on the mutual (“us,” “we,” and “me and you”) issues pertinent to loving relationships. While writing this book, and using a similar investigation and organizational process, we also wrote another one entitled, My Loving Relationships. As denoted by its title and 18 chapters, the companion book focuses on the individual (“I,” “me,” and “you”) issues pertinent to loving relationships. The only overlap is in the last few chapters, where both books address important aspects of seeking and receiving professional help with relationship issues. We feel that the two books together offer a complete look at the important aspects of love and relationship management. It is equally important to note, nonetheless, that we designed these two books so that they could stand alone – each volume can be helpful to anyone, individually. Of course, if your goal as a reader is to improve your relationships, you will want to learn the material in both books, and therefore, becoming a “more loving person” will be best be achieved by reading and digesting both books. By design, this book and its companion book are reader-friendly and provide easy-to-comprehend and appreciate figures, diagrams and other stimulating materials – for thought, for introspection and for understanding about loving, being loveable and loving relationships. We have found that figures are invaluable in our work with clients. Figures concisely illustrate crucial positions, decisions, and tensions in people’s lives that can be readily comprehended and used to work on themselves and their relationship. We hope that you also find them helpful in your relationships, unique though of course they are. We conceptualize loving relationships as representing developmental processes, not events. Your process of reading this book will contribute to, enrich and enhance your developmental process! We urge you, the reader, to remember that as is true of
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nearly every worthwhile endeavor in life, the journey matters as much as, and at many times is more important than, the destination.
SOME CRITICAL ASSUMPTIONS Let us briefly address the question, “Why might you be reading this book?” Two reasons are: First, to increase your knowledge of what loving relationships are about. Secondly, and possibly more importantly, to increase your own personal awareness of yourself, your significant others and your loving relationships. Basically, we are confident that you will grow from reading and personalizing the issues raised in this book. You may be wondering what we mean by two important words: loving and relationships. For the purposes of this book we have operationally considered a loving relationship as a dyadic, romantic relationship between two people with a special set of characteristics. For example, such a relationship would involve thoughts regarding longevity, sex, family considerations and a sense of “us.” We also suggest that loving relationships involve “life transcendence” considerations. They are not necessarily constrained, for example, by the typical limiting issues associated with parent-child, co-worker, boss-employee, and teacher-student types of relationships. However, while many of the issues in this book may also be relevant to these other types of relationships, the issues addressed in this book are primarily focused on dyadic, romantic, loving relationships. What do we mean by loving relationships? The Greeks talked about the difference between eros (a love of self), philio (a brotherly/sisterly type of love) and agape love (a spiritually bonded type of love). While we truly believe that all loving relationships involve some aspects of eros, philio, and agape types of love, the primary phenomena addressed in this book focuses on “agape intended” relationships of adults. As his name reflects, Bill Lambos is of Greek lineage and grew up in an ethnic family that used these Greek terms as household words while growing up.
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From time to time, loving relationships also tend to have special considerations such as status, gender, race, age and culture. In the area of status, it could be suggested that during the courtship, engagement, marriage, separation and/or divorce stages of a loving relationship, there are special characteristics and features. It also has been our experience that the critical issues of heterosexual relationships are also equally vibrant and important in gay relationships. Some theorists also have suggested that there are some differences in “same race” and “interracial” relationships. From the perspective of age, it could be suggested that there are some agespecific issues in loving relationships. We do not argue against any of this. Similarly, we agree that there are some cultural peculiarities pertinent to some loving relationships. (If you saw the film My Big Fat Greek Wedding, what you saw was not entirely an exaggeration.) Nonetheless, please remember that we wrote this book with a specific focus on those aspects of loving relationships that tend to transcend issues of status, gender, socio-economics, ethnicity, age and culture.
A BIBLIOTHERAPEUTIC APPROACH You will notice that this book is written with use of the first person. Thus, when we use the word “you,” we are specifically referring to you – the reader; when we use the word “we,” we refer to ourselves – Bill Emener and Bill Lambos, the authors. In trying to achieve our specific goal of facilitating an enhanced awakening of your own self-awareness throughout the book, we envision each of us talking with you as if we were sitting on a dock or chatting by a fireplace. Nonetheless, we would like to offer a few suggestions on how to use this book. As you are reading this book, it is our hope that you would invest yourself so that you would come away from it with a better understanding of your thoughts, feelings and behavior as well as the thoughts, feelings and behavior of others in your life. We also hope that it will challenge your ideas, your thoughts, your
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conceptualizations and your overall considerations of yourself and your past, present and future relationships. Lastly, we trust that this book will help you to come closer in touch with your own feelings regarding yourself, your loved ones and your relationships with them. If you currently are in a relationship, furthermore, it might be helpful for you and your loved one to read this book together. Should you choose to do this, we would suggest that you read the book the way Dr. Emener for years has suggested to couples with whom he has worked. For example, last week while talking with George and Betty it was suggested that they read a specific book on relationships. Bill suggested that George get a blue highlighter, Betty a yellow one. “George,” said Bill, “I would like you to read chapter one of the book. Read it slowly as if it were talking to you, not like you’re studying to take a test on it.” George smiled. Bill then continued, “And while you’re reading it, when something jumps out at you like ‘Exactly, that’s me!’ take your marker and highlight it. When you have finished reading chapter one, give the book to Betty.” Betty was then told, “I would like you to read chapters one and two and highlight in yellow those things that jump out at you. As a matter of fact, you may highlight some of the same things that George already highlighted. There’s nothing wrong with that. When you have finished, give the book back to George.” Finally, Bill turned and said, “George, you then read chapters two and three the same way that Betty read one and two.” A very important aspect of this dovetail reading procedure, also called “integrative reading,” is the need to establish a few ground rules. First, while you are reading a given chapter and you notice that either of you has highlighted something and you’re curious about it, turn to the other person and point to the highlighted materials and say, “Would you please share with me what you were thinking about when you highlighted this?” The second ground rule to which it is crucial that the two of you agree is: Whatever he or she says to you or you say to him or her, you just listen, and when they have finished you say, “Thank you.” Period. The objective of this endeavor is to learn, not to win or prove something. This is not the time to start World War
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III when you look at the other person and say, “See, for years I’ve been telling you that your parents have always...” We also have found that when we discuss this approach with our clients, both members of the couple usually smile and laugh comfortably. We then share with them that just because something is published in a book, does not necessarily mean it is true for everyone who reads it. The contents of a book should not be used exclusively, as a verification or validation that one person in a relationship is “right” and the other person “wrong.” Basically, we are suggesting that you empathize with the issues, the people we describe and especially yourself. We will be sharing some experiences from the lives of individuals who indeed may have experienced some of the same kinds of things you are going through. Thus, when we say invest yourself, we are suggesting that if you can feel the pain and sorrow of a given individual, do not hesitate to cry; if you feel a knot in your stomach, do not hesitate to allow yourself to experience that frustration or anger; and if you can truly feel the joy and ecstasy of some of the individuals we will be telling you about, allow yourself to smile and feel the uplift that may naturally come with it. It is our sincere hope that this book will help you get more in touch with your love – in life and of life. It may be true that the most beautiful roses are nearest the sharpest thorns. Nonetheless, we submit that loving is an adventure... a beautiful adventure. ***** Little toes curled around each other Sheepish grins of peace, tranquility, and serenity Rose petal pecks on the lips Falling back in awe, all aglow
***** A sunset shared is more than a sunset
THE ROAD AHEAD
F
or those readers who have read the companion book, My Loving Relationships (MLR), we looked at the roles played by the “self” – the you in loving relationships. And as we explained along the way, this was a necessary first step in choosing to understand and improve your relationships. But in order to understand the full depth of any relationship, you must, having understood your own role, be able to understand the perspective of your significant other and how the “we” or “us” evolves over time from the interaction of you and your partner as two separate individuals. It is important to realize that every relationship has not two but three components: you, your partner and your relationship. Therefore, just as MLR focused not only on you, but on you within the relationship, so will this book focus not just on you and your partner but on all three components. Also as mentioned in MLR, in relationship analysis the term dyad is used to refer to all three of these components at the same time. Thus, this section of this book also focuses on the dyad – the couple and their interaction. If you read the companion volume and it seems like this cannot help but complicate matters beyond comprehension, we advise you not to worry. Each of the two books, as we pointed out in the prologue, was designed in such a way that although they reinforce one another, each also can stand on its own. Thus we recommend that you dive right in. The following seventeen chapters begin with the subjects of love and loving. Truly, these are the most central of any subjects that
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pertain to any two individuals’ loving relationship. After all, without love (at some level), what’s the point? We then go on to look at how both partners bring their pasts into every new relationship and how these pasts interact – sometimes to create problems that can be avoided or dealt with more easily than frequently assumed. Just as in MLR where we looked at relationship analysis from the point of view of you, we return to the subject of analysis from the point of view of we or us – the dyad. The more interesting topic here is the focus on the back-and-forth, the give-and-take – what we refer to as the dance. Analyzing the dance flows naturally toward a look at the subjects of congruence and balance, or what makes the dance flow or stumble. The next two chapters deal with issues that influence the dyad as a whole – outside factors and features and other people. Here we will confront the reality that no relationship – not even Adam and Eve’s – has been free from the influence of third parties such as the children, families and friendships of each partner, as well as outsiders. The subsequent three chapters continue with a look at needs and wants, expectations, and the important topic of boundaries and control. Learning how to manage these can, and often has, made the difference between relationships that succeed and persist and those that fail and collapse. Closely intertwined with these issues are the subjects of the next two chapters, namely lifestyles and monetary and equity issues. Here the choices of perspectives and behaviors to adopt are myriad, and some choices work better than others. Ineffective choices lead us to examine the subjects of the last two relationshipspecific chapters in this book: problems and relationship skills. These subjects are complementary because developing effective relationship skills is the most effective way of dealing with most relationship problems. Finally, the last three chapters are about something that every self-help book should take seriously – how to get more help when self-help isn’t enough. Some years ago, seeking advice from a marriage counselor or therapist was associated with no small stigma and often was something done privately, even shamefully – if at all. In addition, seeking the services of a family mediator was only done
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for purposes of dissolving a marriage or relationship. We are happy to report that this has changed for all but a few people, and the need for professional help is no longer considered an admission of personal weakness or relationship failure. In fact, participation in therapy or relationship mediation has come to be considered just one more of the myriad of typical activities of daily living for many members of our complex society. Indeed, the so-called “Baby Boom Generation” (to which your authors belong) and those that have followed, Generations “X” or “Y,” have been collectively referred to as the “therapy society” (is there a “Z” yet?). Anyone who doubts the veracity of this claim need only wander into the self-help section of any bookstore or search for titles in the on-line book sites such as Amazon.com to find that books are available with titles such as One Nation Under Therapy, Pet Loss and Human Bereavement, The Mental Health Job Explosion, Caught in the Net: How to Recognize the Signs of Internet Addiction, and Mediation Therapy: Short-Term Decision Making for Couples and Families in Crisis (and yes – all of these are real books). In this section of our book, we will neither assist you in overcoming the loss of a pet goldfish nor advise you to seek the services of professional “karmic debt management specialist,” but we will endeavor to offer some down to earth advice on what we consider useful information about finding and benefiting from professional help. These three chapters will help you answer important matters such as: When to start seeking professional assistance. Who or what type of professional to look for. How to go about finding professional assistance that meets your needs. And, When to stop seeing or employing the services of a professional helper. Bill Lambos often likes to recall the single greatest unresolved question about the practice of counseling and therapy he faced during his clinical training: Why should simply talking to somebody ever be
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expected to help anybody? This may sound tongue-in-cheek, but for someone originally trained as an experimental psychologist with a narrow focus in Pavlovian conditioning and animal learning, it was a valid question. Following four years of clinical retraining, including years of detailed study of the brain and more years yet in his practice as a licensed clinical neuropsychologist, Bill found the answer to his question. Simply stated, every human being constructs his or her own reality based on perceptions. These perceptions are determined by an enormously complicated interplay between genetic inheritance and life experiences, and together they determine not only one’s reality but also what one thinks about it, how one feels about it, and how one acts towards it. To wit, every one of us must create our own private, internal narrative or life story, made up as we go along, to deal with the challenges and requirements of daily existence. Sometimes, perhaps even often, our narratives and the perceptions they engender are inefficient, inappropriate or even harmful to ourselves and/or to others, and yet we remain stuck with them. If the narrative is to remain a functional tool for interpreting our perceptions – including, of course, those perceptions of ourselves – then in response to the changing demands of daily life, this internal narrative must be flexible and ever-changing. All too often, unfortunately, our ability to adapt our perceptions and our narrative to our current needs can falter and become stuck in a rut, as it were. In such cases, a professional who is trained and experienced in talk therapy, counseling, family mediation or a related discipline can help us fashion a better narrative, realign our perceptions so as to find meaning where none existed before, and thus create a happier and healthier reality and existence. Bill Lambos knew his “earth-shattering” insight was of great value when, upon explaining all this to his teenage daughter, she looked at him as if he were an idiot and simply said, “Yeah… are there really still people who haven’t figured that out, Dad?” More input, which certainly was less caustic and of even greater value, came from sharing this insight with his colleague and coauthor. Bill Emener respectfully listened, then wryly replied, “While I do not disagree with your ‘earth-
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shattering insight,’ just remember my friend – it’s not the answer… it’s your answer.” If all this seems like a lot to digest, we agree that it is. Do not expect to read and understand all of this material in one sitting. We suggest that after each chapter or two, you make some notes for yourself, either mental ones or better yet on paper, and go back and revisit them before reading the next chapter. Throughout this book we return to the importance of processing new ideas, learning to relate them to existing ideas and incorporating them into your existing knowledge, beliefs, patterns, feelings and emotions. Such processing takes both time and attention. We urge you to give the subjects herein their fair due. We strongly believe that the benefits gained in improving and sustaining your own loving relationships will be well worth the energy spent. With this map to the road ahead in hand, we are ready to start our journey proper. We turn to the content of the book and trust that you will be better able to provide your own answer to the above question, as well as any others you may still have after reading what we have to say therein. It is our hope that in this brief look ahead at this book, you, our readers, can appreciate how it differs from its companion volume, My Loving Relationships, in both subject matter and emphasis. Here the relationship comes into focus, and the individuality of the participants fades somewhat into the background. As we pointed out in the Prologue, depending on your needs you may find that one book or the other is more important to you. We hope, however, that you see these two books as we do – as two separate but equally important aspects of that which you are looking for: to understand, change and improve the quality of your loving relationship(s).
Chapter One
LOVE “I have strong affection for her…” “We are attached to each other…” “I feel a strong devotion to him…” “We have a genuine liking for each other…” “My interest in her and her life…” “We have a passion for each other…” “Our admiration for each other…” “Both of us care about each other…” “We feel emotionally bonded to each other…”
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hese are common beginnings of expressions made by people who love and are in love with their partners. Collectively, they provide the basic elements and considerations of just about any definition of the concept of love.
TYPES OF LOVE Creative artists such as poets, playwrights, novelists, musicians and screenwriters have tangled with the nature of love for thousands of years. More recently, psychologists have studied the issue from a scientific perspective. To get a sense for how the subject has been approached, first we will look to philosophers, in particular the
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ancient Greeks such as Plato, who described three different types of what today continues to be called love – Eros (Eρως – érōs), Agape (Aγάπη – agápē) and Philia (φιλία – philía) – to refer to three different types of love. To get a sense for the emotions that these different words for love were intended to represent, think of some modern English words that contain them, as in the following three sentences: I’m reading this really saucy romance novel written by a former couples counselor, and the main character is so lustful that in some of the scenes she’s downright erotic. Say what you want about Bill Gates, but the foundation he formed with his wife Melinda is one of America’s greatest sources of philanthropy. The first time I saw her, she was so stunningly beautiful I was almost paralyzed. I just stood there staring at her with my jaw open and knew that what I felt was agape.
Based on these three examples, we can further appreciate the types of love the ancients strived to describe and differentiate. Eros originally meant passionate love, with sensual desire and longing, and indeed, the Modern Greek word erotas means “(romantic) love.” Today, despite the lingering connotations of words such as erotica, eros is more commonly used to refer to love based on respect and admiration, and in particular self-love and self-respect. Agape was defined in contrast with Plato’s eros. The term s'agapo means “I love you” in Modern Greek, and today we use agape to refer to a passionate and desirous love, with sensual feelings and longing for a specific other person. Finally, Philia (or Philio) means “friendship” in Modern Greek, a dispassionate virtuous love, and was a concept developed by Aristotle. It includes loyalty to friends, family, and community, and requires virtue, equality and familiarity. In ancient texts, philia denoted a general type of love, and was used for the love between
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family members, between friends, and a desire or enjoyment of an activity. Thus philosophy is a love of logic and analysis, and philanthropy is a love of one’s fellow human being, as expressed by donating money to worthy causes, which benefit many other people rather than a specific individual. Our counseling experiences contain several good examples of educating clients on the different types of love, their appropriate expression in today’s society, and how understanding the distinction between them can help a couple to understand their love for one another. For example, during Dr. Emener’s first session with Alan and Myra, they not only discussed their recent engagement and wedding plans, but also the type of love that the two of them were experiencing. They elaborated on their eros. “In other words,” Alan said, “my eros is the love that I have for myself as a person, my philio love is the type of love that I have for my biological brothers and sisters, as well as some of my fraternity brothers from college, and my agape love is the love that I feel for Myra.” Myra nonetheless said, “But that may be part of our problem, Alan. The love that I have been feeling from you is more of the philio kind rather than the agape kind.” With tears welling up in his eyes, Alan looked at Myra and said, “But Honey, can’t you see that I feel a tremendous sense of the agape kind of love for you?” Myra quickly replied, “Yes Alan, I believe you. I believe that you feel agape love for me. But sometimes you treat me more like a sister than a loved one.” As time went on, it became very clear to the two of them that they both felt a tremendous sense of eros love for themselves and they both felt philio love for each other, but they did not both feel agape love for each other: Alan was feeling philio and agape love from Myra, but Myra was only feeling philio love from Alan. In addition to reading some self-help literature on love and loving, Alan risked some new behaviors with Myra that would be more meaningful expressions of his agape love for her. The last time that Dr. Emener met with the two of them, the smile on Myra’s face and the overall glow that emanated from her clearly demonstrated that
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she, indeed, was feeling agape love from Alan. “I could not believe this man!” Myra said as she slid over to Alan’s side of the couch and nestled into him. “The other night he brought a single rose home from work for me, gave me the most wonderful back rub before we went to bed, and then he asked me if he could hold me in his arms as we fell asleep!” We are convinced that healthy, balanced loving relationships include all three types of love – eros, philio and agape. Having the insight, understanding and skills for demonstrating all three types of love is very important for those in a loving relationship. As Alan said, “I can feel agape love for Myra with all of my body and all of my soul. But if she does not feel loved that way by me, then it might as well not even exist and wouldn’t matter anyway.” Bill agreed with Alan's observation, but also suggested, “Another important issue for the two of you is that while you, Alan, have increased your skills and abilities in communicating and demonstrating your agape love for Myra, she also may have increased her skills and abilities in receiving and accepting your agape love for her.”
THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON LOVE As mentioned above, modern psychologists and neuroscientists also study the subject of love. The advent of modern brain mapping and imaging techniques such as functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI) and positron emission tomoagraphy (PET), have enabled neuroscientists to determine what parts of the brain become active when a person is experiencing romantic love. Although this is not a book about brain science, we find it worth noting that a person experiencing romantic or passionate love while their brain is being imaged, shows the highest activity in a powerful part of the limbic system called the septum, and in particular the part of the septum called the nucleus accumbens. (Both are part of the sub-cortex that receive the neurotransmitter dopamine – also associated with reward
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– from where it is manufactured in the brainstem, specifically in the ventral tegmental area.) Why is this interesting? For two reasons. First, the septum is often thought of as the opposite of the amygdala, a structure that is intimately associated with fear. So from a perspective of brain structure, love seems to be the opposite of fear. In fact, the two structures are located at roughly opposite ends of a very large band of nerve cells, stretching from the front to back of the midbrain, called the caudate nucleus; in this sense, they are anatomically opposite as well. Secondly, and more importantly, the septum is not associated with sexual activity or behavior, but with drive and, especially, cravings and reward. For example, the brain of someone newly and deeply in love looks the same as that of a drug addict who has just ingested cocaine! An fMRI image showing this is presented in Figure 1.1.
Figure 1.1. An fMRI Image of the Brain.
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To summarize the foregoing – looking at love from the viewpoint of the brain – we can conclude that: 1. Love is associated with powerful drives, feelings of cravings for the object of the love, and feelings of tremendous satisfaction and reward – akin to a drug high – when that special person becomes available. 2. The brain areas activated when you are in love are not the same as those activated when you are experiencing or expecting sex. Love and sex are associated with quite different brain systems. And, 3. The three different types of love we described above are also associated with activation of different regions of the brain. Thus, the ancient philosophers knew more than they probably realized when they spoke about eros, philio, and agape.
DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LOVE AND... Sometimes people confuse love with other types of emotions and behaviors. And in some cases, this can be very disconcerting, frustrating, and possibly even psychologically dangerous. For example, after emotionally recovering from two successive abusive relationships, Jean was once again starting to venture out by occasionally going on dates. Unfortunately for Jean, she was confusing her dates' kindness, friendship, warmth and gentleness with love. As she once said, “I guess that I had been so used to being around abusive men that when someone finally treated me nicely, I confused it with love. And let me tell you, not knowing the differences can certainly get you into a lot of trouble!” Our brief look at the brain areas involved with the various types of love also reinforces the important notion that there is a definite difference between lovemaking and sex. During a second session with Brad, who was working very hard to overcome his fear of abandonment, fear of attachment, fear of commitment, and fear that if
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he did ever fall in love again he would be hurt, he and Dr. Emener discussed the difference between lovemaking and sex. As Brad said, “I am twenty-nine years old, and in my lifetime I probably have screwed at least fifty women, but I have yet to make love to one.” Dr. Emener suggested to Brad that to a large extent sex, among other things, is a biological experience in which each partner’s primary focus is on himself or herself and his or her own pleasure: “I am using you to satisfy and gratify myself.” On the other hand, lovemaking is a mutual, shared, intimate experience in which the focus is on each other. In making love, one of the primary sources of pleasure is in the realization that one’s partner is experiencing pleasure. “In other words,” Brad said, “in sex, my pleasure is coming from what I am doing to her and what she is doing to me, and in making love, it is what we are doing with each other.” While nodding in agreement, Dr. Emener replied, “Yes Brad, and I also suggest that in lovemaking, our biological, physical and sexual experiences are in many ways simply the vehicles by which we are communicating our deeper feelings for each other.” In loving relationships, it is critical for both individuals to: (1) remain aware of the kinds of love that they are feeling for each other; (2) remain aware of the extent to which the love in their relationship can be distinguished from other emotions and behaviors in their relationship; and (3) be careful that they do not inadvertently misconstrue or misunderstand the important differences between the loving and the not loving aspects of each other and their relationship. Apropos of this latter consideration, one of Dr. Emener’s clients once said, “I have done everything I could do to love, and to be in love with, Beth. She’s such a wonderful person. But I just don’t feel it. No matter how hard I try, I just can’t feel in love with her as much as I wish I could. I feel fortunate, however, in that I at least know it, and I know it now.” As the country song poignantly says, “I can lead my heart to love, but I can’t make it fall.”
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DON'T CONFUSE LOVE WITH... Ed and Cindy had been living together for about one year, were considering getting engaged, and were talking about the possibility of getting married and “living happily ever after.” They came to see Dr. Emener, however, because in a variety of ways some of their feelings about their relationship were not as comfortable as they had wished them to be. Bill suggested to them that it might be helpful if they could discuss their individual answers to six questions: 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6.
Do you like each other? Do you love each other? Are you in love with each other? Do you enjoy living with each other? Are you good for each other? And, Do you feel loved by each other?
“In other words,” Ed said, “just because we may like or love each other, it may not necessarily mean that we are in love with each other?” Dr. Emener replied, “Yes, Ed, that is what I am suggesting. Sometimes people in a loving relationship can confuse love with liking, loving, being in love, living with, being good for, and feeling loved by.” In Ed and Cindy’s particular situation, they agreed that both of them loved each other, were in love with each other, felt loved by each other, were good for each other and enjoyed living together, but there were some specific things about each other that they did not like. For example, Cindy did not like the fact that Ed smoked his cigars in the house. When he did so, Cindy would be upset with him. In turn, he interpreted her being upset as an indication that she did not love him. “I love you very much,” Cindy said to Ed. “I just do not like your smoking cigars in the house. Those are two separate things! Can’t you see that?” Sitting back with a sigh of relief, Ed said, “Well, that’s easy to fix. I simply will not smoke my cigars in the house anymore. Believe
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me – I enjoy smoking a good cigar while watching a ballgame. But your loving me and liking me, Cindy, is more important.” Another important distinction that we repeatedly have discovered is the difference between love and obligation. Ken, for example, was expressing his agonizing frustration with his girlfriend, Dana, when he said, “I was really looking forward to spending Sunday evening at home by myself and getting some work done. I got a little upset when Dana weaseled her way into spending the night with me and leaving early the next morning. We had had a couple of beers that Sunday afternoon, Dana was very tired, and I guess I gave in to her spending the night with me because she was feeling sleepy and I didn't want her driving on the highway that way.” Dr. Emener suggested to Ken that one of the ways he might be able to discern the difference between love and obligation in his relationship with Dana would be to analyze the way he completed any of his “because statements.” For example, Dr. Emener said, “Ken, there is a significant difference between saying: ‘Dana spent the night at my house because she was tired and I did not want her to drive home when she was sleepy,’ and ‘Dana spent the night at my house because I wanted to be with her.’” After pondering the difference, Ken said, “In other words, Dr. Emener, if the conclusion of my because statement focuses on her, ‘because she...,’ it is a lot different than if the focus of my because statement is on me, ‘because I...’.” “Exactly!” The development and maintenance of a “good” loving relationship includes continued attention to the differences between love, like, in love, living with, good for, feeling loved by, and obligation. As Ken said with a tone of sadness, “My feeling is that I may be beginning to see the downfall and ultimate ending of my relationship with Dana. I think that I am starting to feel more of a sense of obligation for her than a sense of love for her.” It is important for individuals in loving relationships to remain aware of their feelings about, for, and regarding each other. They also need an accurate awareness of some of the reasons and rationales
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for the feelings that they are feeling. As Cindy so fittingly said one time, “As a computer programmer, and a good one I might add, I very seldom get confused – I know what I am doing. But when it comes to love and loving, it’s amazing how easy it is to become confused!”
LOVE TRIANGLE A therapeutic intervention technique that we frequently find helpful during a first session with a couple is to review what we call the “Love Triangle.” This was first developed by a well-known psychologist, Dr. Robert J. Sternberg, in the late 1980s. Basically, we draw a diagram for them similar to the one Figure in 1.2 and say something like: “In all my years of working with couples, I have
Figure 1.2. The Love Triangle.
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concluded that the three pillars of love are intimacy, passion and commitment. Starting on the top of the diagram, for example, I found that in ‘good’ loving relationships people tend to have a high level of social intimacy – like holding hands when you are in a restaurant, gently touching the other person on his or her earlobe as you walk past at a social gathering, or inviting her to sit on your lap for a few minutes while you are at a barbecue. Personal intimacy, is when you wake up at seven o’clock on a Saturday morning and, knowing that you do not have to get up, you just lie there, watch each other breathe and cuddle and nuzzle, simply for the pleasure of being together. “Another pillar of a loving relationship is passion. Social passion is demonstrated when you run up to me at the airport and throw your arms around me as soon as you see me coming down the gateway, or when I sneak up behind you in the kitchen and throw my arms around you and give you a big hug. Personal passion – most people tend to think of this as being associated with lovemaking. “Last but not least, is commitment. An example of how social commitment can be demonstrated is when I get a call from you telling me that your car has broken down and I immediately drive to meet you and help you. Personal commitment includes the connotation ‘If there were only room for one person in my heart, it would be you!’ Do you have an understanding and appreciation for these six critical aspects of love in a loving relationship? If not, I would be more than happy to discuss any of them further with you.” After we have concluded that both individuals understand and appreciate these six critical considerations, we say, “For the moment, I am going to assume that if the two of you had high levels of these six aspects of your relationship, you wouldn’t be here. If this assumption is accurate, then I would like for each of you to tell me, from your own individual points of view, where are the strengths and weaknesses in your relationship? Said another way, where is the good news and where is the bad news – or simply, ‘What needs fixin’?” To illustrate the insight-producing power of the Love Triangle, we want to share with you Dr. Lambos’ work with a client named John, whom he had been seeing on and off for over a year. John was a
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successful forty-two-year-old night club owner who had no difficulties with feeling passion and intimacy for the women with whom he had relationships. However, he was having difficulty with the third leg – commitment. As they explored John’s blocks to forming feelings of commitment, Dr. Lambos suggested, “John, every night when you work at one of your clubs, you see and talk to many attractive younger women. Knowing you are the owner and well off, and being a good-looking man, they flirt with you and try to get your interest. Yet you keep them at arm’s length because you are involved with the girl you are seeing. Nevertheless, do you think the constant attention from the younger women might interfere with your wanting to make a commitment to your girlfriend?” John thought about Dr. Lambos’ question and then said, “Yes, it’s a factor, but not the whole story. I also think that my girlfriend has similar issues – after all, she is very attractive and works as a bartender at one of my clubs. Guys are hitting on her all the time, and even though she always tells them ‘Sorry, I’m in a relationship,’ it’s obvious she likes the attention. It doesn’t seem right that someone who is always asking me for a stronger commitment – like getting engaged – should act like that.” When Bill drew the Love Triangle for John, he suggested that he and his girlfriend each think about the difference between social intimacy and romantic intimacy, adding, “Maybe both of you are confusing the former for the latter?” Following a pause, John replied, “Dr. Lambos, you might just be right. Both of our jobs require a certain level of social intimacy, which involves no commitment at all, and if we can separate that from true romantic intimacy, which in a relationship should go along with commitment, maybe we can get over this stumbling block.” The last time John saw Dr. Lambos, he showed him the engagement ring he was going to give to his girlfriend. Dr. Lambos smiled warmly and said “John, I’m happy for you and think as long as you can keep the distinction clear, you’ll do fine.” Another example of commitment problems comes from Dr. Emener’s experience. When he first met with Audrey and Doug, who
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came to see him because they were “having serious marital problems,” he asked them: “Are there any other people involved?” Audrey immediately began to cry. Doug looked at Dr. Emener and with a saddened voice said, “I had an affair.” When Dr. Emener reviewed the Love Triangle with them and asked “Where are the strengths and weaknesses – what needs fixin’?” their responses were readily understandable. Doug pointed to the Figure and said, “I think my sense of personal intimacy and personal passion was missing so much from my relationship with Audrey that I unfortunately lost control of myself and had an affair. I am not saying that it was Audrey’s fault – I hold myself totally responsible for what I did. And I definitely feel terrible about it. The truth of the matter, however, is that prior to my affair I was definitely not feeling any sense of personal intimacy or personal passion in my relationship with Audrey.” While wiping her eyes, Audrey pointed to the Figure and said, “Now part of the problem we have is that I do not feel any sense of personal commitment from Doug whatsoever. And what really scares me is that since he had the affair, I do not feel that I may ever again be able to feel any personal commitment from him.” As he reached for Audrey’s hand, Doug said to Dr. Emener, “I only wish that we had come to see you back when I was not feeling any personal intimacy or personal passion, before I had my affair!” Audrey’s hand immediately recoiled from the mere touch of Doug’s. “But for me, Doug,” she said, “now the trust is gone. Don’t even talk to me about personal commitment!” Needless to say, attending to Audrey’s feelings of betrayal and Doug’s feelings of guilt was only the beginning. It was clear that if the two of them wanted to again experience the type of love they felt toward and from each other when they were first married, they had a lot of work to do. One thing Dr. Emener vividly recalls from his session with Audrey and Doug was a renewed conviction regarding the importance of intimacy, passion and commitment. We do not know what ever happened with Audrey and Doug. They cancelled their next
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scheduled session, never rescheduled another, and never responded to the message left on their answering machine asking them how things were going. The only things we would bet on are that for quite some time Doug probably continued to struggle with his guilt and fear, and Audrey most likely continued to anguish in her pain and struggle with her inability to trust Doug. A different couple counseled by Dr. Emener, however, had a better outcome. After having had the opportunity to work with Richard and Janice for approximately four months, he did not see them again until five years later when he met them in a mall. Janice immediately ran up to Bill in her typical excited way and, after requesting permission, threw her arms around him and gave him a big hug. Richard’s long and hearty handshake clearly indicated he was glad to see his former therapist as well. Even though Bill sensed that he didn’t have to ask, he did. “How are the two of you doing?” Janice immediately responded with, “Ever since the last time we saw you, which was a long time ago, the intimacy, passion and commitment that we give and receive from each other has just been wonderful!” With some light laughter and a warm smile of happiness on his face, Dr. Emener responded with a quip, “Oh, so you remember all that stuff we talked about?” Richard, looking deeply into Bill’s eyes, said, “We live it everyday. I can’t begin to tell you how happy we are!” After parting, Bill glanced back over his shoulder for one last look at them as they began to blend into the crowd. In that last glimpse, he saw not only two very happy adults, but also two people who looked like two little kids in early summer, frolicking along on a country road, on their way home from their last day of school. Indeed, there are many important attributes, characteristics and aspects of a “good” loving relationship. Nonetheless, the meaningful differences between a relationship and a loving relationship are primarily vested in three important relationship attributes – intimacy, passion and commitment.
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UNCONDITIONAL LOVE Toward the end of one of Dr. Emener’s sessions with Jack and Irene, the three of them realized they were his last appointment for that evening. And since none of them was in any rush to get home, they enjoyed the unexpected opportunity to simply sit and chat for a while. The conversation drifted to a question many people have struggled with over the years: Is there such a thing as unconditional love? Bill really felt on the spot when Jack directed that question to him and added, “Come on, Dr. Emener, commit yourself! What is your personal and professional opinion regarding this question – do you really think there is such a thing as unconditional love?” Bill looked at the two of them, smiled with some sense of trepidation and said, “Yes and no.” While falling back in her chair, Irene quipped, “Typical college professor!” The three of them laughed. Dr. Emener then went on to explain himself. “I do believe that one person can feel and experience unconditional love from another person. So in that sense, my answer would be yes, there is such a thing. On the other hand, if the nature of our love is ‘unconditional love,’ then we feel intimacy, passion and commitment to and from each other; each of us is committed to being the best person that we individually can be; we are committed to helping each other to be the best person that each of us can be; and each of us is committed to making our relationship the best that it can be. But what if you change and no longer feel those types of commitments? Will I continue to be able to feel the love for you that I feel now? And because I tend to believe that most people’s answers to those last two questions would be ‘no,’ then my current unconditional love for you may have some conditions: you will continue to be committed to being the best person that you can be, you will continue to be committed to helping me be the best person that I can be, and you will continue to be committed to working with me so we can make our relationship the best it can be. Thus, in view of these latter considerations, I feel that my answer to
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your question is, ‘no’ – in the purest sense, there is no such thing as unconditional love.” After pondering Bill’s statements, Irene said, “So what you are suggesting, Dr. Emener, is that, philosophically speaking, a person can feel unconditional love from another person, but can only give conditional love in return?” “Yes,” Bill replied, “at least at this point, Irene, those are my thoughts about those particular issues.” Jack, while looking at both Dr. Emener and Irene, said, “But those may be two entirely different phenomena – the feeling and receiving of unconditional love and the feeling and giving of unconditional love.” The three of them, then feeling comfortable with the reality that they had actually raised and discovered more questions than answers, looked at their watches and unanimously decided they “had done enough thinking for one night.” The feeling and receiving of unconditional love, and the feeling and giving of unconditional love, may indeed be two related yet separate phenomena. It is imperative that two individuals in a loving relationship remain cognizant of the extent to which they are feeling and giving conditional and/or unconditional love to their loved one, and the extent to which they are feeling and receiving conditional and/or unconditional love from their loved one. ****** If you do not love a given individual if you are not in love with him or her no explanation is possible. If you do love a given individual if you are in love with him or her no explanation is necessary.
Chapter Two
LOVING “One of the most loving ways of telling me you love me is by listening to me.” “When it comes to loving, I find my biggest regrets not in what I did but in what I didn’t do.” “The main reason why you are constantly receiving love is because you are constantly giving it.” “The beauty of our love is in our pursuit of it, not in our achievements or attainments of it.” “When we love each other we don’t open each other's wounds, we help each other heal them.” “We offer each other forgiveness rather than ultimatums.” “My capacity to love you and my ability to love you are two different, yet equally important things.” “I don’t believe in perfect love, but I do believe in the love I feel from you.” “My ability to love you cannot exceed my ability to love myself.”
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William G. Emener and William A. Lambos “We have created and are maintaining a beautiful sense of ‘us’ without destroying our senses of ‘me’ and ‘you’.” “Always telling me that you will love me tomorrow could mean that I am always one day away from loving, being loved and feeling loved...” “The biggest limitation of our loving is in our fear of feeling free to give it and receive it.” “If time is my most prized possession, then spending time with you is my greatest gift of love to you.” “Our love is not work, but we do work at our love.”
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hese are among some of the most memorable statements regarding loving made to us by people in our personal and professional lives. Whereas the focus of Chapter One was on the concept of love, this chapter focuses on the behavior of love.
BEING LOVED AND FEELING LOVED “I can’t believe you do not appreciate how much I love you,” Carolyn said to Ross. “I steam-press your white shirts, I fix you a snack when you come home late from work, I fix you breakfast early on Saturday mornings before you go to play golf, and I always do my best to look my best whenever I go anywhere with you!” Ross tearfully replied, “Yes Carolyn, I believe you feel a tremendous amount of love for me. As far as you are concerned, I am being loved by you everyday of the week. The problem, however, is that in many ways I don’t feel loved by you.” Ross and Carolyn had been married for almost twelve years, but for the past ten years they apparently were not feeling loved by each other. “When the frustration and loneliness finally caught up with us,” Ross said, “we decided it was time to come and get some help.”
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Dr. Emener invited them to accept a homework assignment that involved two things. “I would like to suggest that each of you make two lists: 1. a list of those things the other person does that results in your feeling loved by him or her; and 2. a list of those things you wish the other person would do because in doing so you would feel loved by him or her.” When they returned for their next session, the three of them reviewed the two lists. Ross and Carolyn also discussed their feelings regarding what they were hoping each other might do to contribute to feeling loved by each other. Importantly, at the end of the session, they both left with subtle senses of commitment to actually do some of the things on each other’s lists. When they returned for their third session – their last session – Ross said, “Not only is Carolyn actually doing some of the things that I had indicated would contribute to my feeling loved by her, but she is actually doing them better than I had ever anticipated or hoped for! Have I felt more loved by her over the last three weeks? Hell yeah!” While caressing Ross’ hand, Carolyn added, “And I never realized, my dear, what a loving little teddy bear you could be!” As they were leaving the office, hand-in-hand, Ross turned and said, “You know, Dr. Emener, over the past few weeks I have felt incredibly loved by this woman. And it just hit me: part of the reason why I feel so loved by her is simply that she is trying so hard to help me feel loved by her. I can’t begin to tell how good that…” As his chin began to quiver and a few tears rolled down his cheeks, Ross just looked at Dr. Emener with deep eyes and whispered, “You know what I mean?” “I am happy for the two of you,” Dr. Emener replied. “I think you are well on your way.” Knowing that you are being loved is the next best thing to feeling loved.
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LOVING ROLES WE PLAY After twenty-one years of marriage, Donna and Derek’s marital problems “had finally gotten the best” of them. About a month before coming to see Dr. Emener, Derek had moved out of the house and began living in his own apartment. A forty-three year old supervisor of a road construction crew, he told Dr. Emener it was extremely frustrating for him to continue to live with Donna because he “felt more like I was living with my mother than living with the woman I married.” Donna, a forty-four-year-old legal secretary, was equally frustrated with Derek because, as she said, “For years he had been giving more love, attention and affection to our two sons than to me.” The conversation during the first session began to focus on the various loving roles that the two of them had played in the course of their marriage. While sketching a diagram for them similar to the one in Figure 2.1, Dr. Emener looked at Donna and said, “From what you have been telling me, it appears that for the first few years of your marriage, your predominant gender identity was that of a ‘woman.’ However, as your sons became more demanding of your time, your gender identity became more of that of a ‘mother.’ And now that your two sons are off at college, you are trying to reduce your mothering role and increase your being a ‘woman.’ Nonetheless, it appears that you are struggling to some extent with your transition and that Derek is very frustrated with you.” Dr. Emener then turned to Derek and said, “For the first few years of your marriage, your gender identity was primarily that of a ‘man.’ However, as your two sons grew older and were more demanding of your time, your gender identity turned to more of one of a ‘father.’ And like Donna, you are trying to increase your primary gender identity, that of a ‘man,’ and you appear to be struggling with your transition. At the same time, Donna appears to be very frustrated with you as well.”
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Figure 2.1. Loving Roles We Play.
After staring at the diagram for a few moments, Donna said, “It is only too bad, I guess, that during those middle years I was not able to be both – woman and mother!” First looking at Dr. Emener and then turning to Donna, Derek said, “I guess I could say the same for me.” As the discussion continued, it was clear to the two of them that during their “middle years” they replaced their gender identities instead of adding the gender identities that were pertinent to their respective loving roles in their family. Between their first and second sessions, both Donna and Derek carefully read some self-help materials that had been suggested to
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them. Dr. Emener then asked them the open-ended question, “Well now, where do we go from here?” Derek said, “How about if we start off with some dating? It is clear to me that although I indeed have learned how to be a loving daddy, I have forgotten how to be a loving man. There is no doubt I will be clumsy at it.” Then as he turned to Donna he furthered, “but… would you like to go out with me this Saturday night?” Donna leaned back in her chair, turned almost bright red from blushing and said to Dr. Emener, “I feel like I am back in junior high school. But I have to admit, it does feel good!” She then turned to Derek, and with a wry smile said, “I don't know, Derek, I’ll have to check my schedule.” Following a few moments of silence, Donna said, “Yes, Derek, I believe I am free Saturday night. Did you have anything specific in mind?” With a childish gleam in his eye, Derek said, “Well, my dear – not that I have given it any thought, you understand – but I was thinking that if I could pick you up at around five, we could get something to eat and then go to a movie I know you would enjoy seeing. – You’ve been talking about it for over a month now!” As she gently touched Derek’s hand, with a sheepish grin Donna said, “I think I know what movie you are talking about. But don’t tell me. I’d rather be surprised.” Before leaving the office, nonetheless, Donna reminded Derek that she was planning to get up early on Sunday morning to go to church and therefore preferred to keep Saturday night an early evening. “I have to admit, Derek, I am really looking forward to going out with you Saturday night,” Donna said. “But let’s go slow; I need to keep things simple so I can feel comfortable.” Derek’s manner and nodding in agreement clearly indicated that he too had read the recommended materials on “boundary setting” and was communicating to Donna that he felt respect for, and a sense of commitment to, honoring her boundaries. They did not schedule another session. Both of them said they were comfortable with continuing on their own. Dr. Emener told them he agreed with their assessment, but also told them he would appreciate
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some follow-up communication from them just to know how they were doing. About two months later, Donna left a message on Bill’s answering machine. It was short and sweet, yet in its own way very complete: “Hi Dr. Emener, this is Donna Johnson. I just wanted you to know that everything is going extremely well. If it doesn’t rain this weekend we will be able to move all of the furniture in my brother’s pickup truck. And if all of the plans come through, by Sunday night I will be doing something that I haven’t done in years – I will be living with a man! A wonderful, loving man… his name is Derek.”
A TRIPLE-A RATING Dr. Emener only met with Sandy for one session. “I just want to have an opportunity to talk with you about my relationship with my boyfriend, George,” she said as they began. Sandy, a thirty-four-yearold single parent with sole custody of her two children, had divorced her husband about ten years before coming in. She further reported that she had had a number of difficulties trying to establish relationships with “good men” over the past few years. Sandy then added, “And now I have almost gotten to the point where I don’t even know what I’m looking for anymore!” Following some discussion regarding loving relationships, her feelings about herself and her thoughts and attitudes regarding loving relationships with men, Sandy was asked, “What would be three important characteristics of a ‘good’ loving relationship with George that would have to be there in order for you to feel loved by him?” After pondering the question for a few minutes and jotting down some notes, with a cute little smile, she said, “A Triple-A Rating.” Dr. Emener asked her to explain what she meant. While pointing to the three capital A’s on her piece of paper, Sandy said, “Well, first of all, he must Appreciate me – for my accomplishments, for my hard work, and most important for who I am not what I am. Secondly, he must Admire me – for my accomplishments, my hard work, and, most
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importantly, for who I am not what I am. And thirdly, he must Adore me – not only for only what I am, but for who I am.” “It sounds to me, Sandy,” Dr. Emener replied, “that in view of the fact that you are a well-known attorney in this city, you want to be assured that George loves you not for your stature, your status, your visibility, your accomplishments or your income. You want to be assured that he loves you for being Sandy. And among other things, you want to feel genuinely appreciated, admired and adored by George.” As she folded her notes, she professionally added, “Yes, those are my minimum expectations, and I cannot accept, nor will I accept, anything less.” When Dr. Emener asked Sandy whether she thought about the extent to which George might have the capacity and the ability to communicate and demonstrate those three A’s, she said, “I don't know. Only time will tell. But at least now I have a clearer idea of what I am looking for.” About six weeks later, Bill received a postcard from a beautiful Mexican beach resort with the following inscription: “Dear Bill, Having a wonderful time! It rained most of the day today, so I would grade the weather as a “B.” The important thing, however, is that my traveling companion, whose name starts with “G,” has clearly earned a Triple-A Rating! With love, Sandy.” When you are involved in the establishment or maintenance of a loving relationship, it is important that you remain aware of yourself so that: (1) you know what you are looking for; (2) you know what you need; and (3) you know what you minimally have to have from your loved one in order to have and enjoy a “good” loving relationship. Likewise, it is helpful to have an accurate understanding and appreciation for what your loved one is wanting, is looking for, and minimally needs from you and your relationship with him or her in order to have and enjoy a “good” loving relationship with you.
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MY NEED TO FEEL SPECIAL Ron and Bonnie had been married for sixteen years, had two children, one dog and one cat. Bonnie’s mother lived with them in their guest bedroom, which they built over the garage. “We have been continually growing further and further apart from each other,” Ron said, “and at this point, we either fix our relationship or I predict that separation and divorce are inevitable!” During their first session, Dr. Emener asked them to share with him what some of their greatest frustrations were with each other. Bonnie quickly answered, “I know that for the past seven or eight years Ron has been working very hard to establish his new business. He works at least ten to twelve hours a day. He is very responsible in taking care of our home and spends a lot of quality time with our children. But it seems that I never have any opportunities to spend any time just with him anymore. It has come to the point where I do not feel like I am important to him.” Ron, with numerous signs of long-term frustration emanating from every part of his body, said, “Well Bonnie, let’s put it this way: first comes your mother, then comes your son, then comes your daughter, then you have to bathe the dog, then you have to feed the cat, and if you’re not too tired and if I haven’t gone to bed yet, you might pay two minutes of attention to me. The million dollar question is simply this: ‘How do I get to the top of your dance card?’ I do not expect to be at the top all the time. Your mother has been quite ill lately. Ronnie needs you. Jennifer needs you. And you certainly are very good to the animals. But sometimes I feel that I would have to drown the cat, shoot the dog and send the kids away to camp to have any opportunity of moving up on your priority list!” Obviously, among their numerous relationship difficulties and problems, both Ron and Bonnie were not feeling special in each other’s eyes. Understandably, this was one of the first aspects of their relationship they focused ton. Dr. Emener met with Ron and Bonnie six times over the next four months. We are pleased to share with you that the two of them made
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excellent progress with their concerted efforts to improve their relationship. We truly appreciate, however, the extent to which they helped us learn the importance of “feeling special” in a loving relationship. As Ron said to Bonnie, “It’s not what you do for me, Honey, it’s how I feel about myself as a result of what you do for me. And what is important to me, is that I feel special.” Appreciating what your loved one does with you and for you, knowing how such things are associated with your feeling special, and knowing what you do with and for your loved one that are associated with his or her feeling special, indeed, are paramount in any loving relationship.
THE LITTLE CHILD WITHIN US Sometimes there is nothing more beautiful to behold than a young child at play. Watching a young child feeling and acting totally free, with undaunted and unbridled curiosity and inquisitiveness, with total open expressions of feelings and an untainted and uncontrolled appreciation and love of people and things, is refreshing for most adults. We trust that most of us can recall those wonderful days in our childhood when on a hot summer day we could stuff our face with ice-cold watermelon and not worry about it dribbling down our chin. Those wonderful days when our biggest worry in the world was whether or not our mother would allow us to have seconds of ice cream. It has been suggested by many psychologists, moreover, that even though in our process of becoming an adult we learned how to control our childhood openness and sense of total freedom with the world, our “little child” continues to live within us. If you have ever observed a middle-aged man building drip castles in the sand, a middle-aged woman frolicking in a pile of fall leaves with her children, or grown-ups having a water pistol fight at a company picnic, you know what we are talking about. We readily agree with the theory that “each of us has a little child continuing to live within us – a child who always is eager to find a way out, eager to come out and play.” This phenomenon will be further illustrated in
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Chapter Eleven, where we share the experiences of Butch and Olivia. Each of them, in unique and individual ways, wanted to have opportunities to play. Butch wanted to spend a whole day playing with his friends on a trout stream, and Olivia wanted to play with her friends at the church cake sale. In a loving relationship, our “little girl” or our “little boy” wants to feel free to come out and play – without fear, without inhibitions or retributions, without restrictions, and with total confidence in our loved one’s unconditional acceptance of us. A major difficulty in Butch and Olivia’s relationship was that neither of them could feel comfortable allowing the little child to come out and play in each other’s presence. Dr. Emener readily recalls the way in which Anna, a thirty-eightyear-old married woman and mother of three children, described her reason for enjoying and continuing a two-year affair with a slightly older lover. “It wasn’t the sex,” she said. “It was that I could feel totally free to run on the beach, say whatever I wanted to say, drop a scoop of ice cream in his hair or throw a glass of cold water on him while he was in the shower. Yes, I will admit that when we made love it certainly was good. But that’s not why I continued the affair. The major reason was that our relationship allowed the little boy within him and the little girl within me to come out and play together.” Assuming that within every man there is a little boy who likes to come out and play and within every woman there is a little girl who likes to come out and play, then it seems reasonable to conclude that one of the major characteristics and attributes of a “good” loving relationship is that the two individuals can provide opportunities for the little children within them to come out, have fun and play – maybe even with each other.
LITTLE THINGS MEAN A LOT When working with individuals on their loving relationships, we occasionally ask them to tell us what they consider to be the most loving thing their loved ones ever did for them. After we have shared
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the following two examples, we shall discuss the principle illustrated by them. John said to Dr. Emener, “One winter when we were living up north, I woke up at six a.m. only to find that because of a snowstorm during the night, the schools would be closed. Although I unfortunately had to go to work, I tried my best to be quiet and not disturb our three children or my wife, who was a school teacher. The first things I had to do were to dress, go out and shovel snow off the driveway and brush all of the snow off the car. By the time I got back inside, I felt frozen through and through. Before going into the bathroom to shave and shower, I peeked in at the children and my wife, and with great envy noticed they were nice and warm and continuing to enjoy their sleep. Being a dutiful family man, I quietly went about washing up. Furthermore, I knew I would have to hustle because I was running late. When I finished toweling off, I opened the door of the shower stall and there on the counter top was a cup of piping hot, fresh coffee. As I thought to myself, ‘What a loving thing for her to do for me,’ a tear rolled down my cheek. What a lucky man I am! I thought. I knew I was!” Jennifer said, “About three years ago when our youngest child began going to school all day, I decided to return to work. I started a good job with a local marketing company. About a month later, my boss told me that on the last Wednesday of the month I would have to go directly from work to the airport, fly to Atlanta, and attend a meeting the following morning. I was so scared! It was going to be the first time that I ever flew in an airplane by myself, caught a cab to a hotel by myself, checked into a hotel by myself, and spent a night alone away from my family. I remember saying to my husband, who was a frequent traveler, ‘I just wish I could be like you – confidently checking into a hotel and before retiring for the evening going to the lounge to unwind a little bit. But I think that I would be too scared to do that, and I am sure you would prefer I go directly to my room and call you as soon as I get there.’ That Wednesday morning, as luck would have it, we all overslept. My husband was wonderfully helpful in assisting my getting the children ready for school and packing my
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small suitcase. At the end of my workday, I went directly to the airport, flew to Atlanta, checked into the hotel and went directly to my room. But before calling home, I figured that it might be a good idea to unpack. When I opened it, there on top was a $10 bill with an inscription in red ink that read ‘Have a drink or two on me. Love, Tommy.’ I took him up on his suggestion, but only had one drink because I wanted to hurry to get back to my room so I could call him and tell him how much I felt loved by him and how much I loved him.” The commonality in these two examples is clear. What John’s wife did for him and what Jennifer’s husband did for her were not big things. They were little things. However, it is not the size, the cost or the lavishness associated with the things that we do for each other that mean so much to us. Rather, it is the other person’s empathic thoughtfulness and the anticipation that it would bring us relief and pleasure that really count. The diamond ring at Christmas, the anniversary cruise and the new car as a birthday present are expensive and lavish. But things like the unexpected cup of coffee on the countertop and the unexpected love note fall into the category of “the big little things.” It seems reasonable to conclude that for individuals in loving relationships, the big little things that we do for each other everyday are the primary things that contribute to our feeling special and deeply loved.
FORGETTING AND FORGIVING “Alex and I never forget anything either of us ever does with, for, or to each other. Not only do we never forget, but we always remember the good things and the bad things as well,” Tammy once said. “Remembering and forgetting are really not all that important to us anyway,” she added. “It is our ability to genuinely and authentically forgive ourselves and forgive each other for what we do and don’t do that is the most important thing.”
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The processes involved in overcoming addiction, anger and grief, as well as numerous other difficult realities of life, are not predicated on people’s ability to forget – they are predicated on people’s abilities to forgive. “When something bad happens between Alex and me,” Tammy continued, “one of the first things we work on is trying to forgive ourselves. Once I can forgive myself, I can forgive Alex. And once Alex can forgive himself, he can forgive me. Then, the two of us are able to get on with our lives and our wonderful relationship.” Love and loving are, in many ways, about giving. Love and loving are also all about forgiving. ****** How do we love each other? Let us count the ways. Good thing to do once in a while. Might find out some things you already knew. Might find out some things you need to know. Might find out that there's only one way. And that's all that might matter, if it’s the right way for you, for both of you.
Chapter Three
OUR PASTS
A
s stated in the prologue, this book is one of a set of two companion books. We wrote these books without knowing whether a given reader, such as yourself, would read one, the other or both. Therefore, we also wrote each chapter so it could stand on its own; any chapter could be read independently of the others. To some extent, however, this chapter should be considered an exception. If you own the companion book, My Loving Relationships (MLR), you may want to read Chapter Three of that book before reading this one; if you already have read that chapter, you may want to review it and refresh your memory and self-introspections regarding your “pasts” – specifically your past relationships. In MLR Chapter 3, we examined how one’s individual past can have a significant influence on one’s loving relationships. In this chapter, we return to the subject of the past, but this time the focus will be on: (1) how your past can impact your current relationship; (2) how your current relationship’s past can affect the nature of what it is like – presently and in the future; (3) how you and your partner’s pasts can interact with each other; and (4) how dysfunctional relationships in which the past dictates the future – basically recycling itself – can lead toward living parallel lives or more serious dysfunction. From a general perspective, we consider it very important for you to recognize the influence of patterns established early in your current relationship as analogous to the way your and
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your partner’s individual pasts may have influenced the nature and character of your relationship from its inception.
YOUR INDIVIDUAL PASTS Few issues in modern counseling psychology have been the topic of as much debate as the impact one’s past has on the present person, how one functions today, and how well adjusted one may be in the future. Equally open to debate is the separate yet related question of whether one must revisit the past in order to address current issues and thus move beyond them, or is it better to just let go of one’s past and deal with the present and future. Of course, such questions are particularly salient when dealing with loving relationships. Are we doomed to carry the baggage of past relationships into every new one, or can we learn from our mistakes and profit from them, achieving ever better relationships as we grow from our experience? The various schools of thought answer the questions very differently, and in most instances definitive answers are elusive. For example, the psychodynamic psychologist who looks to the theories of Sigmund Freud and his contemporaries sees our pasts, and particularly our early childhood years, as constituting the single greatest influence on who we are today. By their account, we must resolve any issues of significance in our past before we can overcome their lingering effects on us. The behavioral psychologist also recognizes the impact of our past, but very differently. From his or her perspective, we have been conditioned through associations, rewards and punishments to behave in certain ways, but new contingencies of reinforcement can replace older learning, and thus the past is less important. Moreover, from another point along the spectrum, we are told by those who adhere to the cognitive-behavioral school of thought that too much is made of dwelling on our past and we should not allow it to distract us from going forward. This is particularly true of the therapist who adheres to the rational emotive behavior theory [In MLR, it’s REB therapy, and the term is
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capitalized] of Dr. Albert Ellis. Bill Lambos still fondly remembers meeting Dr. Ellis during his certification training at the Albert Ellis Institute in New York City, where he personally advised Bill that “In therapy, sports and relationships, the best advice is ‘never look backwards’ – in all three cases, what is behind you no longer matters!” Should you be wondering, your authors’ opinion about the subject of the past lies somewhere in between the two extremes proffered by Freud and Ellis. Few practicing counselors can realistically deny that certain past experiences have shaped who we are today. This is especially true of highly emotionally-charged experiences such as trauma. Neuroscientists, for example, have shown that trauma can permanently change the brain in significant ways and may result in problems ranging from mild generalized anxiety to specific phobias to, among the most severe cases, multiple personalities (now called Dissociative Identity Disorder). Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, or PTSD, also lies on this continuum. On the other hand, achieving mental stability and healthy functioning, especially in loving relationships, relies on escaping the pull of earlier experiences and learning to choose new, more effective behavior patterns and making wise choices, based not on the comfort of familiarity but on what one knows, in one’s heart, to be the right thing to do. People who blame their inability to function on their past and think they can never overcome it, will live a life of self-fulfilling prophecies in which their beliefs come true only because they insist on believing them. One of the great traps people tend to fall into is seeking out partners whose behavior is familiar and predictable, even if it’s unhealthy and the last thing they might consciously choose had they been aware of their underlying motivations.
YOUR RELATIONSHIP’S PAST, PRESENT AND FUTURES In addition to bringing one’s own baggage into a new relationship, long-term relationships may develop patterns that act as
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a kind of inertia that constrain the dynamics of an otherwise healthy ongoing relationship. In all probability, all of us have had a discussion with a significant other that went something like this: “Why do we always have to go to the movies on Saturday night?” “Well, we’ve been doing it for three years. I thought you liked it.” “No, I just agree to go because I assumed you were so gung ho on it.” “And you never thought to mention this before?” “Well, I didn’t want to rock the boat.”
In such cases, a pattern becomes established – one which then becomes the basis for maintaining behavior for no other reason than “that’s what we’ve always done.” We have found it healthy for couples in long-term loving relationships to (1) examine their repetitive patterns that may have developed and (2) discuss them from time to time. Another time at which relationships can be influenced by an individual’s own history arises at points of significant, meaningful change – perhaps when a child is born, someone goes back to work after raising children, or the family moves into a new house, in a different area of the country. Patterns of behavior and interaction that have become comfortable and predictable over time indeed may be greatly disrupted by such changes. In general, people value predictability and find it quite comforting. To wit, we know of many cases in which couples have sought help and advice when their patterns of interaction changed. Moreover, it is usually the case that one of the two partners is more troubled than the other by the change. Dr. Lambos recalls first meeting with Trudy and Manny after the birth of their first child, which came during the sixth year of their marriage. Trudy was very happy about having become a mother, but Manny was not all that happy about the changes brought about by the birth of their daughter. When Bill asked Manny what the problem was, he replied, “Dr. Lambos, I am as thrilled as Trudy to have this
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beautiful child in our lives, but our marriage is suffering from it. I feel totally unattended to, except on payday when I become the family ATM. I do my best to help with the baby and don’t expect to be the center of Trudy’s attention all the time, but quite frankly I’m feeling like a third wheel, and I can’t say I like it.” Trudy calmly yet immediately responded, “Oh come on, Manny, nothing much has changed for you: you get up, go to work, come home, and your supper is waiting. I have to catch my sleep when the baby is napping because I never get to sleep through the night. And when I am up, I have to do everything in between the baby’s schedule. How can you be so selfish?” Dr. Lambos interrupted at that point: “Both of you have had your well-settled routines turned upside down by the changes of parenthood. From my years of counseling couples after the birth of a child, I have some advice. Find a time during the week when you can be together comfortably, just by yourselves, and during that time treat one another to a healthy dose of TLC. Make a date of it. Trudy, your baby is old enough to be watched for an evening by a sitter. Find one and make it a priority. And Manny, don’t confuse Trudy’s love and attention for your daughter with the loss or lessening of her love for you. Things will never be as they were, but they can become even better. All it usually takes is (1) to try and see things from the other person’s point of view, and (2) to become part of the solution instead of continuing to be part of the problem.” Bill ran into the two of them at the local health club some months later. “Hey doc,” said Manny, “welcome to date night – my new favorite night of the week. From here it’s off to dinner and maybe even a sunset walk on the beach.” Bill smiled, remembering his own transition through a similarly rough patch in his own marriage, and said, “It’s great to see you two smiling again.”
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THE INTERACTION EFFECT OF YOUR PASTS To appreciate the meaning of the term “interaction effect,” think about the following. As all of us know, hydrogen, H, is a gas. Oxygen, O, also is a gas. If you put them together, in a special combination and in a special way – such as H2O – you have water. A loving relationship involves the unique and special pasts of two people. While each person’s past, in and of itself, indeed may be unique and special, it may in no way be troublesome. However, as illustrated in the following case example, the result may sometimes be troublesome. Vick, on behalf of himself and his girlfriend, Melissa, scheduled an initial session with Dr. Emener. Melissa, a twenty-eight-year-old legal secretary, arrived and said, “Vick just called me on his cell. He’s stuck in traffic and will be a few minutes late.” Following some small talk, Melissa said, “While we’re waiting for Vick, let me at least tell you what’s bothering me about our relationship. Vick is a wonderful man and I love him dearly. And I know he loves me. But there are times when he’s just too controlling. Sometimes he’ll just announce what we’ll be doing the following day or where we’re going for dinner.” At that moment Vick arrived. After briefly discussing the horrible traffic, Vick, a thirty-twoyear-old manager at a local car dealership, said to Dr. Emener, “Maybe it would be helpful if I told you what’s bothering me about our relationship. Melissa is a wonderful woman and I love her dearly. And I know she loves me. But there are times when she’s just so controlling. Sometimes she’ll just announce what we’ll be doing for the evening or where we’re going on vacation.” At that moment, Bill struggled to hide a smile. A minute or two later, he asked Vick to tell him about his previous relationships. “After two serious relationships,” Vick began, “I was married for five years. My divorce was finalized about two years ago. We never had any children. Mary, my ex, is a good person and we got along… most of the time. She was the director of a small-town library, and a good one. The problem was that she treated me like one of her staff –
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and in some ways like my mother – telling me what to do all the time. Once my divorce was finalized, I promised myself that I’d never allow myself to be bossed around again.” A few minutes later, Dr. Emener asked Melissa to tell him about her previous relationships. “I’ve lived just about all over the world, I was an army brat. And since moving to Tampa nine years ago, I was in two serious relationships – engaged once, never married. Both of the guys were good guys – one was a sergeant and the other a lieutenant in the army.” With a furrowed brow, Melissa then added, “They were good guys – a little too structured and controlling for me though. Sometimes even when they said ‘Good morning,’ it sounded like an order.” Toward the end of the session, Dr. Emener invited them to read a self-help book on communication styles and offered a possible explanation for what he saw as a critical issue in their relationship. “It seems to me that at times both of you are interpreting each other’s statements and actions based on your past experiences.” Then, looking at Melissa, he said, “For example, by giving Vick the benefit of the doubt it could have been that he simply knew that that restaurant was having live music that evening and thought it would be a nice surprise for you, and that after dinner the two of you could have danced a bit. And it possibly could have been that your harsh memories of being controlled by demanding men made you interpret his saying, ‘I made reservations for us at David’s,’ – a potentially very loving gesture – as an indication of his trying to control you.” Then turning to Vick, Dr. Emener continued, “In a similar fashion, Melissa indeed may simply have wanted to surprise you with the room on the beach for the weekend so you could do some surfing. But based on your past experiences with controlling and demanding women, you interpreted her initiative – which very well could have been a very loving gesture on her part – as an indication of her trying to control you and demanding that she get her own way.” Two weeks later when Vick and Melissa returned, they said that the self-help book was very beneficial to them, they were trying to be more careful when speaking to and listening to each other; and with
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their renewed understandings of each other’s pasts, they were being more appreciative of each other’s initiatives. When Vick said, “Remember, I’m not one of the men from your past; I’m the man in your present,” Melissa cuddled into him and with a wry smile and gentle laugh said, “Ditto, my boy… ditto.”
DYSFUNCTIONAL RELATIONSHIPS AND LIVING PARALLEL LIVES A difficult case of a persistent maladaptive relationship pattern comes from Dr. Lambos’ practice. He was seeing Vickie, a thirtynine-year-old homemaker with two children, eight and twelve. During their third session, it became apparent that Vickie was holding back something important. Fittingly, Bill challenged her: “Vickie, it’s become obvious you have a secret you haven’t shared. If it’s what I suspect it is, you need to let it out, or there’s not much point of continuing with these sessions.” Vickie teared up as she replied, “It’s true, Dr. Lambos, I’m in love with another man. We met on a long plane trip two years ago, and from the moment we started talking the intense attraction we both felt was obvious. After that we started emailing and phoning one another to try and decide what to do about our mutual feelings. But we’re both married with children, and neither of us wants to break up our families. We’re stuck in this sort of limbo, seeing each other every six months or so. When we are together, I feel like this was how it was always meant to be, and I know he does too. But every time we start making plans for leaving our spouses and being together, something happens with one of our kids. What am I supposed to do? Be miserable for the sake of the children, or drag them through a divorce and a move across the country?” Dr. Lambos warmly said, “Well, at least now it’s out for us to address. Let me ask you something, Vickie. If I was able to guess you were having an affair after three one-hour sessions, don’t you think your husband has figured something out after living with you over the
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past two years?” She replied, “I never go there. I don’t know what my husband thinks or knows. It’s obvious to both of us that our marriage is dead, but neither of us will address it. We’re both just going through the motions for the sake of the children.” Dr. Lambos continued, “Vickie, divorce doesn’t hurt children, but conflict does. In the long run, living in a loveless relationship is teaching them something that may affect them even more negatively. You need to take a stand and decide to break off the affair for good and forget about it and try to reinvigorate your marriage, or you need to take your lumps and move out of the house so you can begin building your future. Your children will be upset, especially at first, but so long as you and your husband do not expose them to open conflict, put them in the middle or use them as pawns, they will get over it in time. And then, when they are able to see their mother express true love to another person, they will learn something far more valuable than what they are learning now, which is how to live a parallel life with someone you don’t love – not to mention how to lie about it to everyone else. You are not doing them, or yourself, any favors.” That was Vickie’s last visit, and Bill has not heard from her since. We hope she took the advice offered, both for her sake and that of her family. When your relationship issues and decisions can significantly affect others – such as your or your lover’s children – it is important to remember your responsibilities to them as well as to yourself and your partner.
RECYCLING ONE’S ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP HISTORY It is well known to psychologists, mental health counselors and social workers that individuals sometimes repeatedly find themselves in abusive, alcoholic or other dysfunctional relationships. Many of us have known people who, having finally “escaped” from a relationship marked by domestic violence, go on to become involved with another abusive person. Although at first this seems incredible – “You thought she would have learned from that last jerk!” – it is
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nonetheless a well-documented phenomenon. As one of our clients poignantly said, “I defeat myself because I repeat myself.” How can it be that such a counterintuitive tendency persists? The answer reveals several fascinating aspects of relationship dynamics. We alluded to part of the cause above when we addressed the topic of the comfort of predictability: the traps that people tend to fall into – the seeking out of partners whose behavior is familiar and predictable, even if it’s unhealthy and the last thing they might consciously choose. The second part of the cause and effect cycle of abusive relationships arises out of the changes that occur to people who are exposed to, and remain in, abusive relationships: personality traits develop as a result of exposure to abuse that reinforce the tendency to remain in such relationships. Let’s look at some of these in detail: Intense need for love and affection. (Sometimes called “Love Addiction.”) Low self-esteem or self-efficacy. (Belief that they can’t have/don’t deserve better treatment.) Drug or alcohol dependence. A background involving physical, emotional or sexual abuse. ACOA issues (Adult Children of alcoholics/addicts.) A codependent personality disorder. Enforced isolation creating resentment. A strong need for a relationship to validate themselves. The sense of worth gained by care-taking the abuser. An inability to set and enforce interpersonal boundaries. Difficulty expressing anger, tendency to internalize it, act it out in other ways. Belief that, “It will change if I just try harder.” Repeated attempts to leave the relationship, followed by an inability to follow through, with leaving-returning to the abuser again and again. Clinical depression, self-medication. Suicidal ideation or attempts.
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Abusiveness is a family dysfunction that repeats not only through generations, but within the same individual over a series of relationships. Just as addictions can pass down through generations, abusers often leave their families of origin for a family of choice – then repeat the abusive cycle from the other side. The abused becomes the abuser and so continues the cycle. It is important to remember that abusers and addicts are not to blame for their behavior, but they are responsible for it. Accountability is a concept that addicts, codependents and abusers have trouble grasping until they are well into recovery. In healthy, functional, “good” loving relationships, both individuals empathically know about and understand each other – including their pasts. Trust is a key component of this process. If I am going to openly share my past with you, including my past relationships, I have to trust that you will respect what I am telling you and you will help me heal any wounds from them and not use the information against me and/or hurt me with it. To a large extent, you and your partner are the culminations of your pasts, and the better you know each other’s pasts the better you will know and appreciate each other as you are in the present. Most importantly, by knowing each other’s pasts the better you will be able to know and appreciate each other in your relationship. ****** When I think about my past relationships, I see a lot of hardship. When I think about your past relationships, I see a lot of baggage. Maybe we need to look at our pasts together, and work toward understanding and healing, then we can work toward the future… our future.
Chapter Four
RELATIONSHIP ANALYSIS
S
ince the days of the ancients, “Know thyself” has been offered as sound advice to one and all. Now there’s a lifelong challenge. At times it can seem far more challenging than knowing another person. This makes basic sense. Where self-knowledge is concerned, by definition, the knower and the person known are one and the same person. And, since such knowledge changes the knower, the very process of self-discovery must be dynamic and ever-evolving by nature. As a friend of Dr. Emener’s once said at a dinner conversation, “Whenever I begin to feel like I am beginning to know myself, that new self-knowledge affects me. It changes me. Then I have to start all over again. When will it ever end?” In a somewhat similar tongue-in-cheek yet serious manner, another in the group replied, “When you die.” “And if you think knowing yourself is a challenge, try understanding a relationship between two people – especially if you’re one of the two,” Dr. Emener added. How does one go about analyzing a loving relationship? What do you look for? As you, our readers, will clearly see, this chapter will only scratch the surface in attempting to address such questions. We suggest, nonetheless, that this chapter indeed will help you better understand your questions. And, fittingly, we’ll leave the answers up to you, as only you can find them.
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A BEST INDICATION It would be considerably difficult to begin this chapter on relationship analysis without offering a basic principle of interpersonal relationships we have always found to be true: The best indication of the nature of our relationship is how I feel about myself in your presence.
We invite you to validate this principle with your own experience, as we and our many clients have done. For example, if in the presence of your significant other you feel incomplete, angry, fearful or inferior, then you probably do not have what you might consider to be a good relationship. On the other hand, if in his or her presence you feel accepted, loved, important and special, the chances are that you might consider yourselves to have a good, and possibly meaningful, relationship. Thus, the next time you would like to have a quick snapshot of the nature of your relationship with someone, when you are in his or her presence ask yourself: “How do I feel about myself at this moment?” Your answer may be very revealing.
SIGNS OF DECAY One of the first things couples counselors are taught in their professional training is the difference between “you” and “I” statements. In Chapter Two of our companion book, we stated that, as children, most of us probably heard our mother or father teach us the adage, “It’s not what you say, but how you say it that matters most.” The choice of using “you” statements versus “I” statements is a direct indicator of who we feel is responsible for problems with the given relationship. It should not be surprising then, that one sure sign of decay in a relationship is the consistent use of “you” statements rather than “I” statements.
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Why? The reason is that “I” statements (1) express how we feel about the actions of another and (2) are subtle ways of asking our partner to consider the results of his or her behavior on our feelings. On the other hand, “you” statements attribute problems in a relationship directly to the other partner, in essence blaming them for the problem. As we also noted in Chapter Two of My Loving Relationships (MLR), blaming is one of the worst approaches to maintaining healthy loving relationships, serves little purpose other than expressing anger or disappointment and rarely if ever leads to improved interaction. An excellent example of this comes from Dr. Emener’s practice. The only thing Dr. Emener knew about the Coopers before they arrived for their first session was that Chip was the owner of a nearby bait-and-tackle shop, Sondra was a receptionist in a dental office, and the two of them were coming in for marriage counseling. Following some bantering back and forth between them, which had apparently continued from the waiting room, Chip looked at Bill and asked, “Well Doc, whaddya think?” In his response, Dr. Emener shared with them that, for openers, they had already demonstrated what he considered to be three of the classic signs of the decay of a loving relationship: 1. The you don’t know’s. Essentially, this is the “who’s suffering the most contest.” For example, Chip had said to Sondra, “You don’t know how frustrating it is for me when every time I do something for you it never seems to be enough!” And Sondra said to Chip, “Whenever you tell me you’re going to do something and then you don’t follow through by doing it, it hurts. And, you don’t know how much that hurts!” They smiled in agreement. 2. The you is’s. Chip had said to Sondra, “The trouble with you is that you never make time for me. And another problem with you is that you don’t understand me and you don’t try to understand me.” Sondra said to Chip, “The trouble with you
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William G. Emener and William A. Lambos is that you’re always paying attention to everyone else and everything else but me and the children!” 3. The if you would’s. Chip had said to Sondra, “Our relationship wouldn’t be all that bad, if you would appreciate what I do for you once in a while!” Sondra said to Chip, “I would feel much better about our marriage if you would take me out to dinner or take me to a movie once in a while!”
With grins as wide as the couch, the two of them quickly realized that for quite some time they had interacted with the classic you don’t know’s, you is’s, and if you would’s. The three agreed that these do nothing but fuel the fire and contribute to the continuing destruction of a relationship. Furthermore, these types of scenarios are replete with blaming, shaming, and “it’s your responsibility” types of attributions. Sondra said to Dr. Emener, “We’ve been doing this for a long time. We’ve been in trouble for a long time too!” We suggest that if you and your loved one have been engaging in these types of verbalizations, it may indeed be a sign that the two of you need to take a serious look at what’s going on. And depending upon the intensity of it, it might be an indication that you may need some outside assistance from a professional counselor or therapist.
OUR RELATIONSHIP In the process of analyzing a relationship, it is important to consider the constructs of congruence and incongruence (which will be discussed further in Chapter Five) as they are related to our “individual selves” – our social self, our ideal self, and our real self. Likewise, consider the possibility that two people also can have a social relationship, an ideal relationship, and a real relationship. Our social relationship is the relationship that we want other people to see. Our ideal relationship is what we would like our relationship to be. And our real relationship is what it really is. The notion of congruence refers to the extent to which these three aspects of a given
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relationship overlap, or are congruent and consistent. Incongruence refers to disparities among these three aspects of a relationship. As demonstrated in the following example, incongruence frequently is a sign of dysfunction, or problems, with a relationship. Jan and Rex had been living together for about two years prior to coming to see Dr. Emener. They were contemplating engagement and future marriage. Recently, however, they had experienced some difficulties in their relationship and decided to seek some outside assistance. During their first session, Jan said things like, “Rex, it seems like at least my perception of our relationship is a little closer to what it really is, even though I do have some serious thoughts of what I would like it to be. You, on the other hand, are a total dreamer, sometimes it’s like you are in la-la land. Sometimes I have the feeling that you have no clue as to what’s really going on in our relationship.” This example should make it clear that in a loving relationship, there can be two other “relationships” which need to be recognized: each person’s unique, individual perception of the relationship. Bill drew a sketch for them similar to the one in Figure 4.1. Rex agreed with the analytical aspects of the diagram, saying, “Yes, I guess I do just have my head in the sand.” Both Rex and Jan recognized the incongruency of their relationship and the disparity in their individual perceptions of their relationship. As time went on, however, the social, ideal and real aspects of their relationship tended to become congruent. Furthermore, Jan’s perceptions, and more importantly Rex’s perceptions, of their relationship tended to become much more congruent. What kind of relationship you would like to have, what kind of relationship you would like other people to think you have, what kind of relationship you really have, and your and your partner’s perceptions of your relationship, can either be close together or far apart, congruent or incongruent. It is not uncommon to find out that a married couple is separating or getting a divorce and hear many of their friends say things like, “I can't believe it… they always appear to be so happy.” Obviously, the greater the consistency among the way
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other people see your relationship, the way you would like your relationship to be, the way your relationship really is, and the way you and your partner perceive your relationship, the greater the chances of your actually having and enjoying a good relationship.
Figure 4.1. Perceptions of Our Relationship.
QUESTIONS WE ASK OURSELVES When Cathy talked with Dr. Emener about her relationship with Jim, she repeatedly made statements like, “I love him,” and “He loves
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me.” Nonetheless, she also delineated numerous aspects of Jim and their relationship that were troublesome for her. Bill suggested to her that her statements tended to indicate that she was constantly asking herself only two questions. He also told her that he would like to have her respond not just to those two questions but to some additional ones as well: 1. Do you love him? “Yes I do, I love him very much. Not only that, I am in love with him.” 2. Does he love you? “Yes, I believe he loves me very much. In fact, I think he is in love with me as much as I am in love with him.” 3. Are you good for each other? “I don’t know, Dr. Emener, I’m not sure. Sometimes I have the feeling that Jim and our relationship tend to hold me back from what I’m trying to do in my career. As I told you, I work full-time and take at least three classes per semester towards my master’s degree in business administration. Sometimes it seems to me that he totally ignores that aspect of my life!” 4. Are you ready for each other? “That’s a good question! Considering how he acts and doesn’t act with regard to my working on my graduate degree, sometimes I find myself almost wishing he would go away until I have finished my thesis.” 5. Are there any situational issues that you need to recognize? “Well, that’s another good question. At this point, Jim only works three to four days a week, and even though he makes quite a bit of money, I also know that he spends a lot of money eating out at fancy restaurants all the time.” As time went on, Cathy became more and more aware of her own values, what she wanted in life and where she wanted to go in life. Furthermore, she more and more recognized the extent to which Jim and her relationship with him were keeping her from what she wanted to do. The last time Dr. Emener saw Cathy, she said to him as she was
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leaving, “I am really not sure what I’m going to do. I know that Jim and I love each other and are in love with each other, but I don’t know what kind of life I would have if I were to marry him and spend the rest of my life with him. I don’t know. I’ll have to see. Maybe just the fact that we love each other and are in love with each other is not enough for us – or at least maybe it’s not enough for me.” We offer these five questions to you and hope that you will seriously consider each of them as you analyze your loving relationship. We do not think of a loving relationship as a separate part of our overall lives, but more as an integral part of our total lives. We trust you will believe us when we tell you that we have heard many people say, “I love him/her, very much, but I shutter to think of what my life would be like if we were to live together or marry each other.”
TARGETS OF OUR ATTENTION Dr. Emener had been working with Kelly for about two months when Kelly asked if he could invite his girlfriend, Vicky, to a session. Basically, Kelly felt that with the therapy sessions they already had had, he was prepared and ready “to get on with his life.” Nonetheless, he did feel that it would be helpful if he and Vicky could have an opportunity to straighten some things out. At their next session, scheduled to be their last, Vicky came with Kelly. After they talked for a while and Dr. Emener had an opportunity to appreciate the nature of their relationship, he looked at Kelly and said, “I have the feeling, Kelly, that you spend a fair amount of time attending to and taking care of yourself, and you spend a fair amount of time also taking care of and attending to your relationship with Vicky. But what I hear Vicky saying, however, is that sometimes she feels that you do not pay enough attention to her.” “Yes, sure does seem that way,” Kelly replied. Dr. Emener then turned to Vicky and said, “Vicky, you seem to pay a lot of attention to Kelly and to your relationship with him, but I
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have the feeling that you sometimes don’t pay enough attention to yourself.” She looked at Bill and said, “But I love him and I want our relationship to work.” At that moment, Kelly snapped his head to look at her and quickly said, “I know that Vicky, I know you love me and I know you want our relationship to work. However, you haven’t taken classes at the university for two semesters now, you hardly go to the gym anymore, and there are a lot of other things you used to do for yourself that you have quit doing. I’m concerned about that, Vicky, and I think you miss doing some of those things too.” Vicky nodded and with a saddened voice said, “Yes, that’s true.” What we are suggesting here is that when two individuals are involved in a loving relationship, it is important that both of them pay attention to three things (as illustrated in Figure 4.2): (1) Themselves; (2) Each Other; and, (3) Their Relationship. Anything short of both partner’s attending to all three eventually leads to difficulties. In the case of Kelly and Vicky, Vicky was starting to feel neglected by Kelly, and Kelly was beginning to lose his appreciation and respect for Vicky because, as he said, “She was becoming less than the woman who I originally fell in love with.”
Figure 4.2. Targets of Our Attention.
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Fortunately for the two of them, they were able to make some adjustments in what each of them was attending to in their relationship, and in his Christmas card to Dr. Emener, Kelly wrote a little note in which he concluded, “...while Vicky’s at the gym, I thought I’d write out some cards... things couldn’t be better!” In your loving relationship, it might be helpful for you and your loved one to always try to continue to be attentive to three things – yourselves, each other, and your relationship.
SITUATIONAL ISSUES AND RELATIONSHIP ISSUES Sometimes in loving relationships, we can confuse situational issues with relationship issues. Or, put another way, sometimes we can think of a situational issue as being a relationship issue. For example, a friend was recently expressing some serious concerns regarding his relationship with his wife. He said to Bill Lambos, “I don’t know what’s wrong, but recently Alice has been staying very late at the office, bringing a lot of work home with her, hardly ever paying any attention to me, and when she has been paying attention to me she has seemed to be somewhere else.” Unfortunately, what Bill’s friend was failing to recognize was the fact that his wife was a CPA and had a number of very large accounts. When Bill glanced at his calendar he noticed that the date was April 10th and said to him, “Tom, do you have any idea what the date of April 15th means to a CPA?” When Bill saw him the next day, Tom shared that the previous evening he had talked for a few minutes with Alice and finally realized how incredibly swamped and pressured she was only days prior to the income tax deadline. He also shared with Bill that he felt much better after their brief conversation the night before, and that the two of them had made some plans to go away for a few days at the end of the month. If your loved one happens to be a school teacher, the last couple of weeks in May probably would be very hectic for him or her. If your loved one is running back and forth to the hospital because one
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of his parents is critically ill, you may not see him very often. And if your loved one happens to be an owner of a card shop, don’t be surprised if you don’t see her very much for the two or three weeks before Christmas. Most importantly, try to remain cognizant of any outside, temporary or situational issues that may be impacting your relationship.
CHARACTERISTICS OF AN IDEAL RELATIONSHIP Frequently when we ask people to describe an ideal loving relationship, they understandably do one of two things: either they describe the other person with whom they are in love, or they describe the nature of their relationship with that person. For example, when Dr. Emener was talking with Lynn, she said, “In my ideal loving relationship, he would be tall, dark, handsome, intelligent, very caring, very sensitive to me, very attentive to me and our relationship, and definitely someone I could trust at all times.” She then went on to describe from her perspective an ideal loving relationship for her, “For openers, we would always feel psychologically and spiritually connected. There would be no doubt that each of us is number one in each other’s heart and mind. When we would be together, we would not want to be anywhere else, with anyone else, or doing anything else. When we were apart, we would think of each other with loving thoughts but not have any feelings of fear, anger or paranoia. How’s that for openers?” “Lynn,” replied Dr. Emener, “it is very clear to me that you have a fairly definite idea of the type of man with whom you would like to have a loving relationship. Furthermore, it is clear to me that you have a fairly definite idea of the kind of loving relationship you would like to have.” Following a pause, Bill then turned to her and continued, “But I would like to ask you to try something that might be a little different for you. I would like for you to think of yourself being in a loving relationship with the type of man whom you just
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described, but now I would like you to describe yourself in that relationship.” After a few moments, she glanced out the window, looked back and said, “That’s tough, isn’t it?” After some pondering, she then looked up and said, “In my ideal loving relationship with the kind of man I just described, I surely would want to feel good about myself. I would want to feel special. I would want to feel that I could be totally open and honest with him and myself about anything. I would want to feel spoiled, but I would not want to be spoiled – does that make sense?” Bill nodded in agreement and said, “Yes it does, I understand what you mean.” For Lynn, this turned out to be an enlightening exercise. For example, she said, “The next time I am in a loving relationship, I’m not only going to pay attention to the extent to which he lives up to my ideal expectations, and the extent to which the relationship lives up to my expectations, but I will also be aware of the extent to which I am feeling about myself the way I would like to feel about myself in a loving relationship.” Herein we are suggesting that it is important for you to feel good about being with him or her, and it is important for you to feel good about being in a loving relationship with him or her. It is also important for you to feel good about you in your relationship with him or her.
GOOD AND BAD TIMES Sometimes we can think of our loving relationship as either being “good” or “bad.” We also can think of being in a loving relationship during “good times” or during “bad times.” However, there can be an interaction among these four conditions. For example, when Dr. Emener was talking with Peter and Libby, who had been married over thirteen years, it appeared that their relationship tended to be good or even at its best during difficult times. Peter stated, “We can really do
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good things together. We have fixed up four old houses while living in them, we are rearing four children, we have put on incredible Christmas parties, and we can throw the most extraordinary pool parties anyone could ever hope for. We can really do things like that extremely well!” Libby countered, “Yes, that’s true, Peter. But once the houses are fixed up, the children are away for a few days visiting your parents, there’s nothing that has to be done around the house, or the two of us are off to the beach for a weekend alone together, that’s when we argue and get into trouble. When we don’t have anything other than ourselves to pay attention to, we just don’t seem to enjoy each other or have any fun together.” Dr. Emener said to them, “It sounds to me like the two of you really enjoy being house-fixers, parents and party-throwers. When you have something other than yourselves or your relationship to focus on, something to accomplish together, you work in harness, as partners, very well. But what about your relationship – your relationship between two people who love each other?”
Figure 4.3. Good Times and Bad Times.
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Peter quipped “I don’t know, Dr. Emener, maybe that’s why we’re here?” Bill drew a figure for them similar to the one in Figure 4.3, and suggested that as a homework assignment they look at the four open, block areas on the figure. The four areas represented: when the relationship was good during troubled times, when the relationship was good during good times, when their relationship was bad during troubled times, and when their relationship was bad during good times. In each of the four blocks, identify three things: (1) What each of you was doing during each of these times; (2) How each of you was feeling about each other during these times; and (3) How each of you was feeling about yourself during these times. When they came back for their next session, they reviewed and discussed their three lists within each of these four areas. This process allowed them to identify a number of things they were doing that annoyed each other, to verbalize their feelings about each other that they had not expressed in years, and to identify things they could do with and for each other that would make their relationship more enjoyable and meaningful. For Peter and Libby, this was an excellent beginning! It is not uncommon for adults in loving relationships to be very successful house-fixers, very successful parents and very successful party-throwers, while simultaneously not enjoying or having a meaningful relationship. What they might have in such instances, is simply a good partnership. Maybe that’s why it was so important for Peter and Libby to always have another house to fix up or another party to throw – it was a good way of avoiding the meaninglessness of their relationship. The importance of attending to these issues was indeed captured in one of Peter’s statements: “Fixing up old houses and throwing good parties is easy; trying to fix a relationship is something else.” We are very happy for Peter and Libby. Dr. Emener saw Peter at a golf course recently and realized that he had not seen him in three years. When he asked, “How are things going, Peter?” with a smile on his face, Peter replied, “Great – we’re doing fine and we’re still in the same house!”
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“Doing together” is important – but so is “being together.”
CAPACITIES AND POTENTIALS At the age of thirty-six, Andrew decided to take up running. When two years later Andrew came to see Dr. Lambos for the first time, he said, “I started running after having been a couch potato for fifteen years, and in the last month and a half I have run in three minimarathons. I feel so good about myself!” For Andrew, that was the good news. The bad news, nonetheless, was that he felt his new running hobby had significantly interfered with his relationship with his wife, Pauline. “Basically,” he said, “I now have a large group of new friends with whom I run almost every evening and go to races with on the weekends. Pauline keeps saying to me that she wants to run with me more and more, but the truth of the matter is that she doesn’t run with me any more than one or two evenings per week. And there’s another problem – there’s this lady about my age in our running group with whom I run almost every evening as well as on the weekends. However, I have really drawn a firm line with her because I know that when Pauline starts running more things will work out for us. What do you think?” As Dr. Lambos continued to talk with Andrew, it became clearer and clearer that Pauline was not a runner by disposition. From what Andrew had said, Pauline enjoyed movies, macramé, and a good symphony – but not running. Among the many issues that emerged in conversations with Andrew was his need to be realistic in terms of Pauline’s capacities and potentials in areas that he had identified for her. For example, Dr. Lambos said to him, “Even if Pauline decides to run with you two or three times per week, to what extent is she really enthusiastic about it? And even if she reached her potentials, would that be enough for you?” Andrew apparently understood what Dr. Lambos was trying to say: “In other words, if you’re married to a zebra, you had better like stripes.” We do not know whatever developed between Andrew and
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Pauline because he discontinued seeing Bill and has not been heard from in over two years. It is not uncommon for us to desire and hope for our loved ones to make changes and modifications in their lifestyles. When we express such desires and requests, nonetheless, it is important for us to be sure to temper our expectations with reality. Also, don’t assume that your loved ones will want to do something just because you would like them to do it.
WHAT YOU WANT AND WHAT HE/SHE NEEDS We have always been intrigued by the way people tend to confuse their needs and their wants. We have made reference in this book several times to the work of Albert Ellis, the founder of the school of therapy called Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy, or REBT. According to Ellis, the confusion of wants and needs is a fundamental source of both personal and relationship problems. The reason this is so is that wants are essentially preferences, and are healthy in that they encourage us to work effectively toward attaining them. Needs, on the other hand, are must-haves, and there are truly very few things people must have in order to survive (e.g., air, water, food and shelter). When we confuse our wants (preferences) with our needs (absolute necessities), we unconsciously decide that if our perceived needs are not met, we cannot go on. That it is disastrous. Ellis labeled this tendency catastrophizing and concluded that such behavior leads invariably to anxiety, anger, and/or depression. These, in turn, negatively impact our ability to sustain healthy relationships. One way of dichotomizing the differences between these two phenomena that we have found to be helpful is to ask yourself, “What will happen if my need or my want isn’t met?” For example, a number of years ago when Bill Emener’s older daughter, Karen, told him that she needed a sixty-dollar pair of jeans, he said to her, “Let’s agree that we disagree. You need air, water, food, shelter, and things such as that. What you want, however, is the sixty-dollar pair of
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jeans. Without air, in about four minutes you will die; without water, in about seventy-two hours you’ll be in serious, life-threatening trouble; without food, in a couple of days you would be hurting. But without your sixty-dollar pair of jeans, the worst thing that could happen is that you would be embarrassed with your friends.” Much to Karen’s credit, she quickly understood and agreed, reluctantly, with what he was saying. When Wanda and Richard came to see Dr. Emener for marriage counseling, it quickly became clear that the kind of relationship the two of them had was not the kind of relationship the two of them wanted and believed they needed. Dr. Emener eventually drew for them a figure similar to the one in Figure 4.4. As time went on, it became clearer and clearer to them that they both wanted a 60-40 type of lifestyle relationship. That is, both Richard and Wanda felt that they would have a “good” relationship with approximately 60% of
Figure 4.4. What You Want and What He/She Needs.
their individual lives being dedicated to their individual jobs, recreational activities, respective family members, etc., and approximately 40% of their individual lives being devoted to their relationship. What they had, however, was one in which approximately 70% of Richard’s individual life was devoted to his work, his sports activities, his family members, and other things that
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were of personal interest to him, and about 30% of his spare time was devoted to his relationship with Wanda. Wanda, however, was devoting approximately 70% of her time to her relationship with Richard and only about 30% of her time for herself. Because of Richard’s fear of intimacy, a 30% relationship time was about all he could handle; because of Wanda’s fear of abandonment, she felt she needed to devote approximately 70% of her time to their relationship. Thus, Richard really preferred a 70-30 relationship; Wanda was uncomfortable without a 30-70 relationship. What they both wanted, however, was a 60-40 relationship. Toward the end of one of their sessions, Dr. Emener suggested to Richard that he consider seeing a therapist on an individual basis so that he could attend to his individual and unique difficulties with intimacy. Dr. Emener also suggested that Wanda do the same in order to attend to her individual and unique fear of abandonment. Bill’s position was that if they could take care of their individual, psychological idiosyncrasies, only then they would significantly increase their chances of developing the kind of relationship they both wanted. After a couple of months, during which time each of them was seeing a different therapist, they came back to see Dr. Emener and we were able work toward their development of a 60-40 relationship. There are two separate but related issues here. The first is confusing one’s wants with one’s needs. Neither Richard nor Wanda needed a 60-40 relationship, but they greatly preferred one and were willing to work towards attaining it. Had they decided that they couldn’t stand it if their “need” was not met (and quickly), they probably would have simply broken up instead of attending individual therapy. Fortunately, their choices show that they did realize the difference and were willing to work toward reaching a balance. The second issue is the extent to which we are unwilling to accept a relationship that does not meet our preferences because it seems like more effort than the outcome is worth. This is especially true if what we expect from our relationship is preventing us from having the kind of relationship we want. In his tongue-in-cheek fashion, Richard said,
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“Maybe what we needed more than anything else was to figure out why we couldn’t have what we wanted.” While caressing Richard’s arm, Wanda added, “It is also so nice for us now to be spending time together because we want to – not because we feel we need to!”
UNDERSTANDING YOUR DANCE When Allen and Diane first came to see Dr. Emener, they had all of the outward appearances of the “perfect couple.” What eventually emerged, however, was that their relationship was a sequence of highs and lows. “Our relationship seems to be constantly going up and down, from good to bad and back to good,” said Allen. While drawing a figure for them similar to the one in Figure 4.5, Dr. Emener said to them, “Let’s see if we can understand your
Figure 4.5. Understanding Your “Dance.”
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‘dance.’ Starting at the top, it appears that you try very hard to be warm and loving toward Diane. However, Diane, you have difficulty trusting his warmth and his loving ways, and you continue to remain cold and aloof. Then, Allen, you tend to get frustrated and blow up – you even get angry as you talk to her about her coldness and aloofness. Then, Diane, you withdraw further and basically say to him, ‘See, I told you you’d never change.’ And then, Allen, you go out and buy her an expensive present and apologize. Toward the end of your dance, you kiss and make-up and say to each other, in effect, ‘Everything’s okay now.’ Then after a few days, the dance starts all over again.” “That’s it,” Diane said. “We’ve been doing that for the last couple of years. Trouble is, however, two years ago when we did that little dance routine, it was like a slow soft waltz – it would take about three to four weeks to complete the circle. Now, we’re into loud rap and we can do that in a six or seven day period. It seems to be getting worse!” They ultimately concluded that it would be helpful for them to do two things: (1) Try to stop the dance – continuing their self-defeating, ritualistic behaviors was not really solving anything anyway; and, (2) Try to identify the feelings that both of them had about themselves, about each other, and about their relationship. Essentially, try to target the feelings that were underpinning the beginning, the continuing and the ending of the dance. Fortunately, they were successful with both of these goals and were beginning to be able to talk more openly and honestly about their feelings about themselves, each other and their relationship. Moreover, they were learning how to avoid their old “downward spiral dance” that did nothing but perpetuate itself and compound their difficulties. During their last session, Diane said, “When we were in that routine, it was like living in a cave. I was afraid to come out of the cave and see the light. I was a cave dweller who didn’t know how to do anything but live in a cave.” Allen also offered, “Yes, and in that analogy I was the cave slave. I kept trying to be patient and buy her things rather than confront our true feelings simply for fear of the unknown. I was always afraid that things would get worse than they were.”
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People who have been in a loving relationship for a rather significant period of time, tend to have little dance routines that in many ways are self-perpetuating. Nonetheless, it is not uncommon for a couple’s dance routines not only to preclude them from dealing with the real aspects of their relationship, but to cause additional problems as well. Thus, we recommend that you try to be aware of your and your loved one’s dances whenever possible.
RELATIONSHIP POTENTIALS Carol and Raymond entered Dr. Emener’s office with what appeared to be a tremendous amount of love, friendship and caring. Nonetheless, it was not long before they began to express some serious concerns regarding their relationship. Carol, who had a good job as a math teacher, was living with her sister in an apartment not far from Raymond’s house. Raymond, who recently had been promoted to an assistant principal position at a junior high school, was a few years older than Carol, had been married before and had custody of his two-year-old daughter. They were seriously thinking about getting engaged and eventually married. Both of them stated that they loved each other, were in love with each other, had much in common and enjoyed doing many things together. But for some reason they were concerned about their future as “Mr. and Mrs.” As they progressed through their first session, their concerns about their relationship potentials (i.e., what was the relationship potential they thought they could have) became stronger. Before they left Dr. Emener’s office, he invited them to accept a homework assignment. “Before you leave, let’s make a list of potential relationships the two of you already might have tested out or might hope to have and enjoy. Let’s make the list go from ‘that would be easy, no problem’ to ‘that might be a problem.’ For example, let’s start with ‘working together as co-workers, eight hours per day, five days per week.’ Do you think the two of you would enjoy that kind of a relationship?”
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They both said, “Yes.” They then added to the list and eventually came up with the following seven, only filling in the first two columns at that time: Potential Relationship 1. Co-Worker 2. Boss-Employee 3. Playing Golf Together 4. Going on a Date 5. Spending a Weekend Together 6. Spending a Week Together 7. Married
Expected Outcome Amount of Time Carol // Raymond 8 hrs./day “Very Good” 5 days/week “Very Good” 8 hrs./day “Good” 5 days/week “Good” 6 hours “OK” 1 day/week “Maybe” 6 hours in “Very Good” one evening “Very Good” 2 days to “OK” all day “OK” 7 days “Maybe “Not Sure” 7 days/week “Not Sure” 52 weeks/year “Don't Think So
Bill gave each of them a photocopy of the list they had made and said, “Between now and our next session, each of you, independently by yourselves and without talking about it, (1) seriously think about what kind of experience it would be for you in each of these seven relationship situations, and (2) write in the third column your prediction or evaluation of what you think it would be like for you. Then, when we get back together, we’ll discuss your predictions and evaluations.” When they returned, the three of them looked at and discussed their homework. While each of them enjoyed or thought they would enjoy certain relationship experiences together (e.g., working together, playing golf together and even spending a weekend together), they seriously questioned the extent to which they could spend every day together as a married couple. “I guess we have too many differences and, although we can tolerate our differences in
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certain situations and for certain periods of time, over the long haul we just wouldn’t make it,” Carol admitted. “We actually have tried many times to change our unique little quirks in order to please each other, but it doesn’t last long,” added Raymond. Dr. Emener had the feeling that they both had been sensing this conclusion for some time, since both of them felt relatively comfortable with it. After Raymond said to Carol, “Tell Dr. Emener what we kiddingly said the other night to your brother,” Carol replied, “We were saying to Jimmy that we were afraid that if we ever got married and lived together, we’d probably screw up a great relationship.” Sensing their level of comfort, Bill could not help but laugh with them. Actually, they seemed relieved. When we are exploring new aspects of, and the potentials for, a loving relationship with someone, it is helpful to plumb the depths of our relationship potentials and then ask ourselves a few questions: Is this all that our relationship could be? If not, what would we have to do to have such a potential relationship? Would each of us be willing to do what each of us might have to do in order to have that potential relationship? Even if we had that potential relationship, would each of us consider it to be enough and want it? Answers to questions such as these may be scary for us to explore. But, as Raymond said, “Better now than later.”
QUESTIONS TO ASK We chose to include this section of this chapter, to underscore the importance for people in loving relationships to remain cognizant of the questions they ask themselves and each other regarding their relationship. As a matter of fact, you’ve probably noticed that this is a major theme throughout this book. The importance of asking the “right” questions was highlighted for Dr. Lambos when he was talking with Charlotte and Alex. From the beginning to the end of their first session, the two of them continuously seemed to be coming
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up with “the answers” to the problems in their relationship. Compounding their difficulties was the fact that each of their “answers” tended to have something to do with the other person. In an attempt to change this pattern in their thinking and in their problemsolving mode, Dr. Lambos invited them to accept a homework assignment: “Between now and our next session, I would like for each of you to come up with a list of questions that each of you may attempt to answer. Importantly, I would like your questions to be specifically focused on your relationship – not on either of you in particular.” When they returned to the next session, they had an interesting list of questions, including: 1. Could we have a loving relationship? 2. How long might it last? 3. What would we have to do in order to have a loving relationship? 4. Under what conditions could we have a loving relationship? And, 5. What would each of us expect from our “ideal” relationship? As Dr. Lambos and the couple discussed their individual questions, they identified the above five questions the two of them agreed needed to be addressed. Between their second and third sessions, each of them wrote out their individual “responses.” In the process of discussing each of their “responses,” they noted that they actually concluded the exercise with more questions than they had started with. The reason for sharing Charlotte and Alex’s experience with you is to highlight the importance of attempting to assure that in a loving relationship we continue to focus on the important questions regarding our relationship and the process by which we try to identify our individual and collective responses to those questions – to your questions.
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NURSE-PATIENT RELATIONSHIPS “The two of us seem to have a wonderful loving relationship as long as one of us has something wrong with him or her!” said Regina during their first session with Dr. Emener. Her husband, Carlos, quickly added, “Yes, we sure do know how to take care of each other when one of us is sick.” We repeatedly have been amazed at the extent to which some couples will tend to fall into a relationship mode in which as long as one of them has a problem, is ill, needs help of some kind or “has to rely on the other one in order to make it,” they have an excellent relationship. However, whenever a situation arises when both of them are doing well, then their relationship tends to have problems. “Could it be possible,” Carlos and Regina asked, “that in this little nurse-patient relationship, we subconsciously try to perpetuate it?” Dr. Emener said to them, “I do not know that I have the answer to that question, but I can offer you a possibility. One thing you might want to think about is that in your nurse-patient relationship, the patient can’t afford to get well. It could be that both the patient and the nurse are perpetuating this relationship because the patient, for fear of being abandoned by the nurse, may not want to get well; and the nurse, for fear of not being needed anymore and therefore being abandoned by the patient, may want to make sure the patient never fully recovers. Does that make sense to you?” Regina said, “In other words, what you are suggesting, and this very well may be true for us, is that we may be feeling so incredibly insecure with each other that as long as one of us feels needed by the other person, then the other person will not leave us. And as long as one of us is sick and being taken care of by the other, then we can continue to have the sense that the other person loves us and won’t leave us.” Dr. Emener turned to Carlos and asked him, “Does that make any sense to you?”
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“Yes it does, and in many ways I think that’s what we tend to do.” At that point, the two of them began to discuss the extent to which each of them feared the other would leave and the extent to which at times each of them felt unworthy of each other’s love. As they began to feel more comfortable with each other and felt more trusting of their emotional commitments to each other, their roleplaying began to subside. Earlier in this chapter, we were considering the various kinds of “dances” in which individuals in loving relationships can become involved. Essentially, the “nurse-patient” relationship is a form of dance: First I'll get sick and let you take care of me. Then you get sick and I’ll take care of you. This type of interaction in loving relationships assuredly can have numerous negative side effects, and when such a relationship pattern emerges it is important to pay attention to it.
THE LIGHTNING ROD IN A RELATIONSHIP As Dr. Emener was talking with Dick about his relationship with his wife, especially when he was discussing how she would react when he would come home from work and share with her his many frustrations at his job, it became clear that his wife, Angela, very quickly was becoming the “lightning rod” in their relationship. This became even clearer as Dick was explaining it: “As the director of marketing in my company, I answer to four vice-presidents. My job is extremely frustrating. However, my secretary happens to be the sister of one of the vice-presidents, and I surely cannot say too much in front of her. All day long people are expressing their frustrations and venting their anger toward me, but I really have no one to talk to. By the time I get home, I’m a bundle of nerves. It is not uncommon for me to spend an hour to an hour and one-half when I come home venting my frustrations and my anger regarding my job toward my wife. I guess sometimes I dump everything on her. In fact, just the
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other night she said to me, ‘I seem to catch everything that happens to you everyday.’ Yes, I see what you’re talking about here: she’s the lightning rod in our relationship, the recipient of all of my ill feelings.” When Dick shared this observation with Angela, she apparently in turn shared with him how frustrating it was for her to have been playing that role in their relationship. She told him it was a very difficult role for her to play, but she was afraid that if she did not continue to allow him to vent all of his job-related ill feelings and anger with her, “he might find someone else to do it with.” Angela started reading some literature on assertiveness and Dick found some alternative ways to minimize and vent his job-related frustrations and anger (e.g., he started jogging and playing racketball on a regular basis). After a relatively short period, the two of them began to realize that their relationship would be more enjoyable if they did not have to perpetuate the lightning rod component of their relationship. Sometimes in loving relationships, one person can tend to catch all the stuff that seems to be going on. When a pattern such as this emerges, it is important to identify it and work toward successfully rectifying it.
LEVELS OF A RELATIONSHIP During one of their sessions, Terri and George were trying to trace their relationship, especially over the previous five years. They told Dr. Emener they thought the first ten years of their marriage were wonderful, but the last five tended to be a constant uphill struggle. Dr. Emener sketched a figure for them similar to the one in Figure 4.6. He suggested to them that it appeared that at the end of their first ten years of marriage (at point A), they were in a relatively high-level relationship: it was very meaningful to each of them and it was a growth experience. For the next two or three years, however, they
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Figure 4.6. “Levels” of a Loving Relationship.
seemed to fall into a moderate-level relationship in which their marriage was “okay.” They had relatively good coping skills and an overall sense that their marriage was at least tolerable. Nonetheless, over the past year or so, their relationship had fallen into a low-level relationship in that it was destructive, harmful and definitely in need of some assistance. When asked, “Where are you now?” both of them quickly pointed to Point C on the figure and simultaneously said, “Right here.” After a few minutes of pondering that realization, they looked at Dr. Emener and said, “Where do we go from here?” “I’m going to answer your question with a question,” Dr. Emener replied. “What are your goals?” Terri looked at Dr. Emener, and with tears in her eyes said, “I ultimately hope that we can get our marriage back up into the high level.” George, equally effected, nodded in agreement.
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Dr. Emener then said to them, “I suggest that the first thing we do at this point is to stop the downward trend. Let’s stop the bleeding. What can we do to stop your marital relationship from being so destructive and harmful to each other? Let’s begin there. I know each of you eventually wants to get your relationship back to a point at which you are doing things that are fun, enjoyable, meaningful and loving, but maybe we need to begin by at least stopping the extent to which your relationship is destructive and harmful to you.” They agreed. In effect, that interaction allowed them to establish a paradigmatic conceptualization of a strategy for working on their relationship. Over a period of approximately three months, the two of them were starting to edge their way back up into the high-level range. What was crucial, nonetheless, was that Terri and George began attending to their relationship one step at a time. And for them, that meant beginning with stopping the harmfulness of their relationship. When your loving relationship has had a sustained downward trend, it is critical that you set realistic goals for yourselves as you try to fix your relationship. For example, Terri one time said, “George, maybe before we start trying to figure out how to be loving and caring toward each other, we need first to stop being so destructive and harmful to each other.” George immediately responded, “That’s beautiful of you, Terri. The mere fact that you have been recognizing that you also have been doing some things that have been harmful to me and destructive to our relationship, and the fact that you want to stop being harmful to me and destructive to our relationship, in and of itself is very loving!” We couldn’t agree more.
THE PIECES OF MY LIFE YOU WANT John came to see Dr. Emener because he was “very upset” by the fact that he and his girlfriend, Maureen, “had reached a standstill in their relationship.” He told Dr. Emener he loved Maureen very much,
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was hoping that someday they would be able to get married, but at this juncture in their relationship they seemed to have hit a roadblock. John’s story, as it unfolded, was unique and exceptionally interesting. “About six years ago,” he said, “my wife was killed in an automobile accident. Since that time, I have been a single parent, taking care of my now ten-year-old daughter, Jill. Maureen and I have been going out together for the past two years. Basically we’re now going together, and although I’m convinced we love each other, we’re in love with each other and would like to share a life together, for some reason we have not been able to get any closer emotionally.” Maureen joined them at their next session, and during that session John was able to identify his “roadblock.” He drew a figure similar to the one in Figure 4.7, and pointing to the top part said, “Maureen, I
Figure 4.7. The Pieces of My Life You Want.
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think this is what we currently have. While you and I are feeling distant, I am feeling totally bonded with my daughter, Jill. What I want more than anything else is to have a relationship similar to the one at the bottom. I would love to have a bonded relationship with you as well as with Jill.” Maureen looked at him and said, “I would eventually like more than that, John. I would like to be bonded with Jill myself someday. But in the meantime, I would indeed say ‘yes’ to the figure to which you’re pointing. You could be in love with and bonded with both Jill and me. What are you afraid of, John?” After almost two minutes of silence, which seemed like two hours to Maureen, John looked at her, and with large tears rolling down his face said, “I’m so afraid that if I let myself go and love you the way I would like to, I might lose my daughter.” As their conversation continued, it became clear that this lowlevel fear on John’s behalf had been haunting him for quite sometime. It was compounded by the fact that he was afraid even to tell Maureen what he feared. She responded to him very lovingly, “Why don’t you take as much time as you need to work that out with Jill. I will be here waiting for you. You also may need some time to help Jill work through her fear of losing her daddy, if in fact she does have that fear, and I will be as sensitive to that as I possibly can. I love you, John.” Three weeks later when Dr. Emener saw them at their next session, they shared some very exciting news with him. First, John did share with his daughter his fears of losing her and also his tremendous love for Maureen. And although Jill did admit to John that she did have some fear of losing her daddy, the fact that he discussed it with her the way he did, in and of itself, quickly reduced many of her fears – much more quickly than John had expected! Secondly, when John felt Maureen’s compassionate understanding and genuine patience with him, and not her pressuring him to make a decision or “choose,” he immediately felt much closer to her. They indeed must have worked through a lot of these feelings with each other as well as with Jill, because toward the end of their session John
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stood up and said, “If you will excuse me, I need to step out for a moment. I have a surprise for you.” A few moments later, he entered Dr. Emener’s office with his arm around the cutest little ten-year old who introduced herself by saying, “Hi Dr. Emener, I’m Jill!” After shaking his hand and accepting his greetings, she gravitated toward Maureen. As Jill slowly slid her arm around Maureen’s waist, Maureen slowly put her arm around Jill’s shoulder. It was with a lump in his throat that Bill said goodnight to the three of them. Sometimes it is extremely important for us to be aware of the reality that most people are capable of having multiple loving relationships. As John, Maureen and Jill were able to realize, John was very capable of loving his daughter and loving Maureen. They also realized that just because he loved Maureen, he did not love Jill any less. And just because he loved Jill, he did not love Maureen any less. ****** I spend much of my time trying to understand me – I love me. I spend much of my time trying to understand you – I love you. I spend much of my time trying to understand us – I love us.
Chapter Five
CONGRUENCE AND BALANCE
“I
wonder if people describe me that way?” How many times have we asked ourselves that question when we hear people say things like: “What you see is what you get!” “One of the things I love about Bob is that there is nothing phony, plastic or put-on about him. He always seems so natural.” “There’s nothing pretentious about Mary, she’s so easy to talk to, so easy to be around, and everything about her just seems to be so consistent.” Individuals who are described in these kinds of ways also are individuals with whom it is comfortable to have a loving relationship. It also is important to note that these quotations are descriptors of individuals who are congruent and have a sense of balance in their lives.
THE A, B, C'S OF LOVING RELATIONSHIPS Three very important aspects of our lives and of living are: (1) our Affect – our feelings and emotions; (2) our Behavior – our actions and activities; and (3) our Cognitions – our thoughts and beliefs. (Those who have read our companion book, My Loving Relationships, readers may remember Albert Ellis’s A-B-C- model from Chapter Fourteen; this, however, is a different set of A-B-Cs.) When anything happens to us in our lives, or when we encounter a new experience, it is important for us to be aware of our feelings about whatever it was
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that occurred, how we acted as a result of the experience, and what our thoughts, ideas and beliefs are about it. It is important for our emotions, our behavior and our beliefs to be congruent – to overlap and co-vary. For example, a less congruent person is someone who may be acting as if they are very happy, but who actually is feeling the opposite: down and depressed. As Figure 5.1 suggests, the individual who is less congruent is a person whose Affect (feelings), Behavior (actions), and Cognitions (thoughts and beliefs) are
Figure 5.1. How We Relate to Each Other: Affectively, Behaviorally and Cognitively.
somewhat disjointed, or not together. Quite often, an incongruent or less congruent person expends a tremendous amount of energy simply because their thoughts about themselves, their behavior and their feelings are not overused. On the other hand, a person who feels good about him- or herself, who spends a lot of time acting happy with and around others, and who simultaneously thinks of him- or herself as being a liked, loved and happy individual, is more congruent and more balanced. The core of our idea is that it is important for people to remain cognizant of the extent to which their thoughts, behavior and feelings are consistent or inconsistent, which is what we mean by congruence.
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These three phenomena – our affect, our behavior and our cognitions – also can represent the modes by which people interact and relate with one another. For example, we have known some couples to deal with each other primarily on an affective, or feelings, level. Other couples with whom we have interacted have shown themselves to be more physical with each other on a behavioral level. Finally, we have known couples that interact and relate to one another primarily with thoughts and words, on a cognitive level. Occasionally, couples will get into trouble when they only rely mainly on one of these three modes of relating. This is especially true if one person is frustrated because he or she is feeling uncomfortable as a result of the predominance or exclusiveness of one mode. You may be wondering what types of circumstances lead a person to lose congruence. There are, unfortunately, too many answers to this question to make sweeping generalizations. Every theory of personality or human psychology offers its own approach to congruence, and although these answers often overlap, they may be very different in philosophy and approach. For example, a psychodynamically-oriented analyst may claim that such dissociations among feelings, thought and behavior are the result of defense mechanisms that protect the ego from unacceptable aspects of reality. The Freudian or Jungian psychologist will look to powerful subconscious motivations. On the other hand, a cognitive-behavioral therapist may look to irrational or flawed beliefs. Such beliefs, which go unchallenged for various reasons, are themselves the source of incongruence. By definition, an irrational belief will lead to both emotions and behaviors which are inconsistent with reality and thus produce incongruence. Other approaches to human psychology posit different explanations. This book is not about theories of psychology, so we are not going to examine other explanations in detail. But we do believe that there is at least one idea that all of the theories share: incongruence arises in part as a result of what people experienced while growing up in their family of origin. Few therapists would deny that dysfunctional family dynamics result in incongruence and, therefore, in dysfunction and unstable relationships as adults. This is
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not to say that all examples of incongruence result from family issues. Indeed, stressful situations encountered as adults also can destabilize us, which may persist after the stressor is removed or resolved. Finally, sometimes people simply choose as their relationship partners others who differ from themselves in terms of their primary mode of being. For example, affect-oriented persons may find themselves attracted to others who tend to operate on the cognitive level. Dr. Emener recalls the first time he met Lisa and Hank. Lisa, a very intelligent, well-educated attorney, was excessively verbal and very cerebral in dealing with people. There was nothing wrong with that. Her husband, however, Hank, a local elementary school teacher, was the kind of person who enjoyed talking about and expressing his feelings. He described himself as a very emotional person. Essentially, Lisa earned a living by using thoughts and words with intelligent and well-educated adults, whereas Hank earned a living not only by using thoughts and words but also by using touching, feelings and active expression with young children. For understandable reasons, Hank was very frustrated in his relationship with Lisa. One day during a therapy session, Lisa said to Hank, “I don't understand why you get so frustrated and angry with me.” “It’s like the other day, Lisa,” Hank replied, “when I walked into the house and told you I’d had an incredibly frustrating and difficult day. On the way home from school my car broke down, I was tired, and when I got the message on the answering machine that you would be working late, I just felt terrible. Then when you came home and I was standing in the kitchen with tears in my eyes and I said to you, ‘Lisa, I’ve had the most horrible day!’ all you did was stand there and say, ‘Well, tell me what happened. We’ll figure it out’.” Lisa looked at Bill and asked, “What did he expect me to do?” “Lisa,” Hank quickly replied, “all you had to do was hold me for a minute and gently rub my back. I’m an intelligent man. I know what to do. I just needed you to attend to my feelings and hold me.” As a homework assignment, Dr. Emener recommended that they make plans to go out of town for the weekend. He suggested that they
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check into a hotel on the beach early on a Saturday morning and request a late check-out on Sunday afternoon. He also suggested that they agree not to watch television, not to read any books or newspapers, to leave their watches in a drawer, and to try their best to act on their feelings. During their next session, Lisa and Hank reported that when the weekend first began, it was extremely awkward for them. Nonetheless, as time progressed they found themselves expressing themselves more in the feeling mode, more in the touching mode and less in the talking mode. Lisa was very insightful when she shared, “I realize I earn a very good living by dealing with people from my head to their head. But I’ve also learned that if I want to keep my husband and want to enjoy my relationship with him, I have to deal with him from my heart and with my actions as well.” Dr. Emener looked at Lisa and replied, “Lisa, I also have a sense that you’re enjoying this new relationship communication mode as much as Hank is.” With a cute little smile, she replied, “I have gone from being a uni-dimensional and narrow-minded woman to being a woman for all seasons, and it feels good – no pun intended.”
LINKAGES: FEELINGS, THOUGHTS AND ACTIONS Herewith we are proposing two different types of incongruence. The first type is inconsistency among a person’s own A-B-Cs. The second concerns incongruence between two individuals in a relationship (like Lisa and Hank). The following example from our practices highlights these. During Dr. Emener’s first session with Diana, he drew a diagram for her that is depicted in Figure 5.2. Basically, he was trying to explain to her the importance of having a congruent relationship among feelings, actions and thoughts. Dr. Emener also shared with her that happier and healthier people, who try to be more congruent
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Figure 5.2. Linkages among Feelings, Thoughts and Actions.
than individuals whose feelings, actions and thoughts are fragmented, disjointed and not related to each other, tend to be less troubled and spend less time in crisis. She responded, “I guess that’s one of the reasons why I need to be here talking with you. Sometimes what I do, what I feel, and what I’m thinking seem to be totally unrelated to one another. For example,” she continued, “last weekend I went out on two dates, Friday night and Saturday night, and spent Sunday afternoon at the mall with my girlfriend and acted real happy. Nonetheless, I felt depressed all weekend and was constantly thinking or wondering whether anyone in the world really cared about me or loved me.”
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Dr. Emener then said to her, “Let’s take a closer look at your feelings, your behaviors and your thoughts, and see whether we can find some reasons as to why they seem to be so fragmented.” Their ensuing therapy sessions apparently were very helpful to Diana. She recently told Dr. Emener during a telephone conversation that she was feeling so much better about her life. “I feel like I’m one again, or to put it in your words, I’m more congruent. The important thing, however, is that my overall life is so much happier now.” During one of their subsequent sessions, Bill and Diana also discussed her relationship with Roy, a young man with whom she was enjoying a relatively good relationship, yet about which she also had some serious concerns. Dr. Emener took out a piece of paper and drew Figure 5.3 for her and suggested that she attempt to answer a
Figure 5.3. Our Feelings, Thoughts and Actions Toward: Self, the Other Person and Our Relationship.
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number of questions. He said to her, “Diana, think about, and eventually let’s talk about the three following sets of questions: 1. What do you think about yourself? What do you think about Roy? And what are your thoughts regarding your relationship with Roy? 2. How do you act toward yourself? What do you do for yourself? How do you act and what do you do with Roy? How do you act when you are around Roy? 3. How do you feel about yourself? What are some feeling words that describe how you feel about yourself? How do you feel toward Roy? How do you feel about Roy? How do you feel about your relationship with Roy? What feelings do you feel when you are spending time with him?” Bill and Diana eventually not only discussed her answers to these questions, but also focused on discrepancies or inconsistencies among them. For example, Diana noted that she thought of Roy as being a very warm and caring person who loved her very much. However, she tended to “act differently” when she was around him as compared to when she was alone. Even though she thought she had a loving relationship with him, she did not feel comfortable in his presence. In follow-up sessions they were able to identify specific things about Roy and her relationship with him that tended to contribute to her uncomfortable feelings when she was with him. They also discussed what she could do to reduce the discrepancies identified. Dr. Emener eventually met with Diana and Roy, and when they were processing Roy’s responses to these three sets of questions they discovered that he was having some experiences similar to Diana’s. We are happy to share with you that they were able to minimize most of their discrepancies in these areas, and in many meaningful ways their relationship was improved.
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BALANCE Gwen and Michael made an appointment with Dr. Lambos to help decide whether or not they should separate. Gwen began, “Dr. Lambos, Mike and I have been together for over seven years now, and we’ve been pretty happy most of the time. But in the last year or so, I have felt more and more ignored by Mike, who now spends most of his free time on the home computer reading about companies and the stock market. I know he’s not into porn or liaising with other women, and he’s made a small amount of money trading stocks, which is great. But we really don’t need the money, and our relationship has suffered for it. I’ve mentioned this several times, and the result is almost always a grimace of exasperation on his part. That’s pretty insulting to me, wouldn’t you agree?” Before Dr. Lambos could even reply, Michael jumped in “No, Gwen, it’s you who changed. We used to watch sports or movies together on TV, and I thought that was fine, until you lost interest in it. Then you started talking to your Mom every night for what, forty-five minutes to an hour? Then you got into knitting and reading, and every time I tried to talk to you, you would shake your head as if to say ‘not now’ so you wouldn’t lose your stitch count, whatever that is. Finally, when you got tired of that, you decided it was time for us to do something together, and by that time, quite frankly, I was busy.” After listening to their conversation a little longer, Dr. Lambos decided it was time to jump in. “I am starting to get the idea, folks. Your relationship has fallen out of balance, and instead of addressing the problem you’ve each decided to take umbrage to the other person’s behavior instead. I sense quite a bit of resentment in both of you, so much so that I’m almost surprised you both were willing to talk to a therapist rather than just walk out.” Gwen’s eyes swelled in tears and she bit her lip. Michael spoke up immediately. “The problem, Doc, is that we really still love each other. But it’s like we’ve lost our groove or something.” Gwen, still crying, shook her head in agreement.
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Over the next three sessions, Dr. Lambos and the couple did a relationship analysis much like that described in the previous chapter. What arose from the diagrams and their answers to the questions was a picture of two people whose emotional needs were progressively becoming more and more unmet, but who interpreted it as a belief that their partner didn’t care for them anymore. Finally, they had chosen to act in ways that hurt the other’s feelings instead of risking rejection by asking for more attention. Dr. Lambos only heard from them once after that when Gwen called to refer another couple for counseling. She said, in her typical wry way, “If you got the two of us back on track, you can surely help these two.” Bill smiled and extended his best wishes to her and Michael. Another case of loss of balance ended up in Dr. Emener’s office. When Carl and Theresa came to see him, they said, “It’s not that our relationship is bad – it is just unfulfilling.” They began living together approximately one year prior to coming to see Bill and said that as time went on their relationship was getting worse and worse, less and less enjoyable, less and less fun, and they were afraid they were “going to lose it.” It did not take them long to identify that their lifestyles had simply gotten out of balance. Carl, a high-energy workaholic, was an engineer who worked approximately ten to twelve hours per day. Theresa, who owned her own flower shop, worked approximately eight to ten hours per day in the shop, then brought an attaché case full of work home with her. When they looked at a sketch similar to the one in Figure 5.4, it was clear that once they diagramed the amount of time in their lives they devoted to work, sleep, themselves and others, there was very little “fun time” left for themselves. Basically, they had little time, if any, to do things together and to enjoy their relationship. They decided very quickly that they would make some decisions so that their individual lives, as well as their life together, would be more like the “healthier” diagram in Figure 5.4. When they came back for their next session, they shared the following: “We have agreed that it is okay if Carl does not win an award as Engineer-of-the-Year and if Theresa does not open
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Figure 5.4. A Need for Balance in Our Lives.
six more flower shops by Christmas. We may not retire by the age of forty, and some folks may consider us as having become less productive. But we don’t care, we are now simply spending more time together, enjoying each other more. Our relationship has become so much fun for us. This is the way we want our collective life to be from now on.” Importantly, Carl and Theresa genuinely appreciated that they were the ones who realized that their relationship, as it interfaced with their individual lives, had simply gotten out of balance. They discovered that they had choices that they could make in their lives. They were the ones who made it more balanced and more consistent with their values and what they wanted in their lives. Carl and
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Theresa now have a much healthier relationship. They are now much happier, and we are very happy for them.
NEW EXPERIENCES – OLD FEELINGS In our discussion of the causes of incongruence earlier in this chapter, we noted the impact of family-of-origin experiences on selfperception and congruence of feelings, thoughts and behaviors. A good illustration of this comes from Dr. Emener’s experience. When Cathy first came to see Bill, he could not help but notice her winning smile, her very attractive physical features, and her very exciting and upbeat attitude. Unfortunately, it was not very far into the session when she said, “I don’t know what’s wrong with me. For the last few years I would go out with someone maybe two or three times and then it simply would not work out.” Toward the end of the session, as he drew a little diagram for Cathy similar to the one in Figure 5.5, Dr. Emener said to her, “From what you’ve told me, Cathy, when you were a child, and let’s say up until the age of eighteen or nineteen, you had a number “The old feelings you associate with rejection – feeling down, hurt and depressed – immediately come back and you revert to the old learned behaviors – withdrawal, running away and hiding. For example, let’s look at the situation you just told me about regarding your new boyfriend, Keith. All week long you were thinking about inviting him to go to the Tampa Boat Show with you on Sunday afternoon. When you called and invited him, he said, ‘No. I’m sorry. I don’t feel like doing that this Sunday.’ You immediately thought, ‘Here we go again – he must not like me because I’m not a good person.’ You got a knot in your stomach and felt terrible. You quickly got off the telephone and have not called him back. Furthermore, you’re screening your calls with your answering machine. You’re avoiding talking to him. Same old pattern, isn’t it?”
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Figure 5.5. Relationships among Old Experiences and Responses to New Experiences.
She wept and quickly acknowledged her agreement with Bill’s observations. Dr. Emener then said, “It would really be good if you could find out from Keith why he turned you down. Somewhere along the line, Cathy, you’re going to have to remember that Keith is not the high school football star who turned you down years ago.” In their next session, Cathy came bounding into the office, jumped into the chair she would usually sit in and said, “You’ll never guess what happened!” Keith apparently had already made arrangements to play in a golf tournament with his father that particular Sunday afternoon and had been planning to invite Cathy to join him as his guest at a post-tournament gathering. He told her that after listening to her tell him how exciting it would be to go to the boat show, he felt bad, didn’t know what to say, felt incredibly disappointed, and unfortunately said, “No. I’m sorry.”
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While it is true that Keith could have done a better job in handling his end of that particular conversation, Cathy quickly realized how she took his “No” as a personal rejection, and allowed the old pattern to take over. She is now learning how not to associate new experiences with old ones and how to respond differently. As she was leaving the office, Cathy looked up with a big smile and said, “Oh, and by the way, Dr. Emener, next Saturday morning Keith and I are getting up really early because we’re driving all the way to Miami for the day – we’re going to the Miami Boat Show!”
WHAT I WANT YOU TO SEE It is not uncommon for people to want others to always see them at their best. This tends to be a very natural phenomenon and is probably one of the primary reasons why we spend so much time fixing our hair, selecting the “right” clothes to wear, and repeatedly looking at ourselves in the mirror before going out. One of the things troublesome for Yvette was that ever since her divorce she had a number of repeated short-term, yet very intense, relationships with men. Pointedly, she said to Dr. Emener during their first session, “Men seem to fall head over heels for me right away, and everything seems to be going great. Then all of a sudden they start to get very cautious around me. Then they disappear. I don’t know what’s going on!” As the conversation continued, Bill drew a diagram for her like the one in Figure 5.6. Bill shared with her that most people have three selves: (1) a Social Self – the self or the “me” who I want you and others to see; (2) an Ideal Self – the person I would like to be; and (3) a Real Self – the person I really am. Over time, however, our Ideal Self tends to fade, and as people get to know us, our Real Self and our Social Self become more apparent and they come closer to being the same thing. Bill knew that Yvette knew what he was talking about when she said, “In other words, it’s like when after we go out together a few times and we get to feel comfortable with each other, it might
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be okay if my hair isn’t perfect and my blouse isn’t one-hundred percent wrinkle free?”
Figure 5.6. My Social Self, My Ideal Self and My Real Self.
“Exactly,” Bill replied. What eventually surfaced for Yvette was the realization that her relatively recent divorce from her verbally-abusive former husband had left some real deep scars on her self-concept and sense of selfworth. Unconsciously, she had come to believe that she was not a good person. Thus, she felt that in order for any man to find her attractive and a person with whom he would want to spend some
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time, she had to “act as if she was someone other than herself – Ms. Perfect!” In a subsequent session she told Dr. Emener that when she talked with her new boyfriend, George, about this aspect of her life, he admitted to her that he was wondering when he was ever going to meet the real Yvette. Although George, as well as others, suggested to her that the “social Yvette” was a lot of fun and very charming, many times she simply did not seem very real. In fact, Yvette added, “George told me that it was my phoniness that was starting to turn him off. And that really stung!” Dr. Emener said to her, pointing to Figure 5.6, “In other words, the whole thing is actually the real thing; he was simply starting to think of you and see you as being a phony.” “Yes,” she said, “and from now on I’m simply going to be the real me, and if they don’t like it, tough!” As they were heading toward the front desk she whispered, “When I go out with George tomorrow night I am going to wear one of my new dresses and make sure that my hair looks very nice. But if I feel like ordering clams on the half shell, I’ll do it. If he doesn’t want to go out with a clam eater, that’s his problem.” The smile on her face, her sense of pride and self-worth, her confident body posture, and the twinkle in her eye said almost out loud that she was feeling better about herself, and much less obsessed, worried and depressed. Bill walked back to his office with a feeling of goodness about Yvette and her life. For Yvette, this was an excellent beginning.
THINK IT, FEEL IT, AND DO IT Dr. Emener was having his second session with Becky and Rusty when Becky sat up on the couch, turned to Rusty with tears in her eyes and said, “I’m sorry Rusty. I know you love me. I believe you love me. You bought me a new car for my birthday and some beautiful gifts for Christmas. But for some reason I just don’t feel loved by you. To use a phrase out of the book that Dr. Emener
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suggested we read, I feel emotionally abandoned by you. I watch how you play with the kids on the floor and the way the baby falls asleep in your arms on the couch. But I can’t remember the last time you held me in your arms. Oh sure, we have great sex. But that’s all it is – it’s just sex.” Rusty’s face got very sullen, his bottom lip began to quiver and his eyes began to well up. And then leaning forward, Becky said in a quiet voice, “Sometimes... if you would only hold me...” During the next thirty seconds, which seemed like an hour, both of them sat there on the couch, almost galvanized, looking at each other. Bill looked at him and said, “Rusty, I have heard you tell Becky that you think of her as the love of your life. I also have heard you tell her that you feel more love for her than you have ever felt for anyone in the world.” Trusting that Rusty would remember some of their previous conversations regarding the importance of having balance in one’s life and the importance of having congruence and consistency in one’s affect, behavior and cognitions, Dr. Emener then said, “If you’ll excuse me, I have a few things I need to do. I’ll be right back.” He turned off the overhead lights in the office, leaving one table lamp in the corner lit. With them looking into each others’ eyes, he left the room, gently closing the door behind him. A few minutes later, Bill returned to his office, softly tapped on the door and heard Rusty’s voice say, “Yes, come in.” When Bill went into the room, the two of them were on the couch. Becky had totally melted into Rusty’s arms. He was holding her tenderly and gently, yet firmly, against his body. With his index finger he was embracing the side of her neck and caressing the top of her head with his chin. Dr. Emener could tell she was wide awake and very alert, yet on her face she had the look of a baby in blissful sleep. Neither of them spoke. Bill sat back in his chair, they stood up, and with their arms around each other they headed for the door. Becky looked at Bill, and with the most serene smile imaginable, softly said, “Thank you.” Rusty looked at Bill and said, “We’ll be in touch.” The next afternoon when Bill got to his office, there was a telephone message
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from Rusty that unpretentiously said, “Just wanted you to know we’re doing fine. We’ll be in touch with you soon.” About six weeks later Dr. Emener received a postcard from Jamaica. In addition to the traditional and typical “wish you were here... having a wonderful time” kinds of stuff, the postcard ended with the following: “Yesterday afternoon the two of us fell asleep together in the hammock outside of our cottage. With love, Becky and Rusty.” Sometimes in loving relationships, it is very important for us to remember that it is not only that we have loving thoughts about our partners and feel loving feelings about our partners, but that we act in loving ways toward our partners as well. ****** We relate to our loved ones with thoughts, actions and feelings. With insight and sensitivity, we strive for an important goal: For our thoughts, actions and feelings to communicate our love in congruent and balanced ways so that our loved ones think, act and feel loved by us. Love – the noun – is the existence of love. Love – the verb – is the essence of love.
Chapter Six
OUTSIDE FACTORS AND FEATURES
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here are numerous factors, realities, extenuating circumstances and conditions outside of (or surrounding) a loving relationship that can have a significant impact on the two individuals in the relationship, as well as on the relationship itself. For example, we occasionally hear people say things such as: I know that when he was a child his family always spent every Sunday together – big dinner, everybody hanging around the house together and all that stuff. But this is our family. Why do we always have to do what his family used to do?” “Sometimes it can be very trying around our house. We just about get things squared away for Saturday and Sunday with her kids, and then my kids will come over for the weekend. Then the whole chaos starts all over again. My ex-wife isn’t any help either.” “Trust me, we love the kids dearly. But by the time we finish running them all over town to their ballgames, their friends’ houses, the mall, and then there's always something coming up that we didn't expect, we never seem to have any time for ourselves.” “Julie and I were doing just great until I was transferred. It might be a year before we can be working in the same city again. She’s got a terrific job. So do I. But just seeing each other on weekends really is tough – on both of us.”
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In each of these five statements we have examples of outside factors that pose distractions to individuals’ loving relationships. The phenomena being portrayed are: (1) primary family versus immediate family issues; (2) blended family issues; (3) child-rearing issues; (4) distance issues; and (5) disability issues. It is important to remember, however, that not all outside factors are distracters – at times they can be enhancers (as discussed in Chapter Seven). As we shall see in this chapter, however, it is important for individuals in loving relationships whose relationship is being affected, influenced or impacted by outside factors such as these to be: (1) aware of what the outside factors are; (2) cognizant of any temporal considerations (e.g., knowing how long the condition or situation will last); (3) understanding of each others’ thoughts, feelings and values regarding the outside factors (e.g., to talk openly with them); (4) aware of possible alternative courses of action they can take regarding the factors; and (5) aware of the extent to which they can take more control of the factors (i.e., to change what they are willing to, and can, change).
PRIMARY-IMMEDIATE FAMILY Dr. Emener’s cases include sessions spent with Jim, a divorced, forty-one-year-old school administrator, who came to his office the Monday morning immediately following a Thanksgiving weekend. In addition to being extremely nervous, highly stressed, very tense and expressing a tremendous amount of guilt, he was worried because, as he said, “I am an assistant principal of a high school and I should be at the school, doing my job and not here seeing you.” He then added,
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“The problem is, however, that I have been under so much stress lately that I am having trouble functioning – especially at work.” When questioned, Jim explained that a significant source of pressure and stress in his life was his multifaceted sense of family responsibilities. As many people in our society today very well know, sometimes it is extremely difficult for them to continue to be an active member of their family of origin as well as of their immediate family. The tongue-in-cheek use of the term “outlaws” when referring to one’s in-laws is a frequent reflection of this issue. Bill sketched a diagram similar to the one in Figure 6.1 and said to Jim, “It sounds like you were a very active and involved member
Figure 6.1. Primary, Immediate and Future Families.
of your primary family – you did many things with your mom, dad, and brothers and sisters. Then while you were married, you were
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actively involved in many activities with your wife and your two children. You have been dating your girlfriend, Lynn, for quite some time now and you are beginning to be actively involved not only with her but with her two children as well. I imagine that sometimes you wonder when you can ever get a chance to rest?” Jim sat back on the couch, looked up with a wry smile and said, “You have no idea what it is like! Just getting through Thanksgiving was a chore in and of itself. I am dreading Christmas! I certainly want to be involved in my family’s traditional Christmas festivities – mom, dad, and my brothers and sisters and I all have our annual, holiday activities. Obviously, I also want to do many things with my two children. And even though I am divorced, I do want to spend some time with my ex-wife. However, I also know that Lynn is trying to plan activities that would include her two children and me. I just don’t know how I will be able to fit it all in. Sometimes I wish that I could go to sleep on December 15th and wake up on January 15th.” Over the next two minutes of silence, Jim sat there staring at the Figure. He then turned to Bill and said, “I just can’t do it all anymore!” When he turned to Dr. Emener, Bill said, “Jim, you have some alternatives. One option is that you could continue to try to play superman and respond to all of the expectations of your primary family, your current immediate family and your possible future family. But from what you are saying, that would not be a very enjoyable Christmas vacation for you.” As he gazed out the window, Jim softly replied, “If I don't spend time with my mom, my dad and my brothers and sisters, I will feel guilty as hell. If I do not spend time with my two children and somehow spend some time with my ex-wife, I also will feel guilty as hell. And, I certainly want to continue working on my relationship with Lynn – there may be a future for us. So, I’m feeling a strong need and a strong desire to spend time with Lynn and her kids. It seems to me that somewhere along the line I'm going to have to set some priorities and learn to live with them. I guess that’s what you’re gonna tell me, isn’t it?” Bill just looked at Jim and smiled.
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As time went on, Jim realized more and more that he was not a member of just one family. He was a member of three: his primary family, his immediate family, and his possible future family. It was very helpful for him to understand what, for him, was a “three-family configuration.” He eventually gave himself permission to modify his expectations of himself, especially with regard to all of the people in his life whom he loved so dearly. Once he was able to give himself permission to do what he wanted to do with his life, he was able to explain his priorities to his loved ones and thereby have an impact on their expectations of him. At one point he said, “It is amazing how understanding everyone is. For example, my older sister told me she totally understood what it was like to be torn between wanting to spend time with so may people in your life. I can’t begin to tell you how relieving it was to hear her say that!” One aspect of Jim’s dilemmas that deserves a closer look is his feelings of anticipated guilt, which led to considerable anxiety. You may recall that in Dr. Lambos’ practice, clients are taught that guilt and its cousin, anxiety, qualify as two of the “four essential blocks to happiness” (the other two being anger and depression). Guilt differs from other sources of disturbance in that it alone includes a presumption, whether sensible or not, that “I have done (or will do) something wrong.” It is amazing how often we find that clients internalize this sense of wrongdoing and, in so doing, deny themselves the chance to function in a healthy fashion. This is what we mean when we use the phrase “giving oneself permission” to do what one wants. We simply cannot function well if our only yardstick as to what we should do is what others expect us to do for or with them. This is especially true of family members, regardless of which family they belong to. As people grow older and find themselves involved in multifamily configurations, relationships and activities, it is important for them to: (1) remain cognizant of the realities of time and the realistic limitations of what one person can do in a day; (2) set some
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priorities; (3) recognize that no matter how hard they try, they often cannot please everybody, and then, (4) spend their time accordingly. The last time Dr. Emener saw Jim was in mid-January; he felt pleased when he heard that the Christmas holidays went very well for him. Moreover, when Bill saw the smile on Jim’s face as he showed him a picture of himself and Lynn under her Christmas tree, Dr. Emener was convinced that Jim had found a way to put things in his life in perspective, to establish some priorities and to feel okay about himself as he integrated his priorities into his lifestyle. Interestingly, he said, “One of the many reasons why I’m so glad I worked all of this out, is that if things continue to go well for Lynn and me, at least I won’t have to bring all of my craziness from my past into our new relationship.”
BLENDED FAMILIES In a society like ours, where the divorce rate is over fifty percent and the remarriage rate is even higher (almost seventy percent), blended families have become more of a norm than the exception they once were. As a result, in the last decade or so, social scientists have devoted an increasing amount of time and effort to study such families. This research has revealed a variety of interesting findings, some of which are surprising. Among them: 1. Today, between one-third and one-half of all children in the U.S. are expected to live in a blended family before they reach age eighteen. 2. The stepparent has the hardest role in a blended family. 3. The need for the couple to build and sustain a strong marital relationship is often at direct odds with the need to care for children from previous marriages. 4. Relationships between stepparents and stepchildren tend to involve more conflict than those of biological kin, especially in the first four to seven years.
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5. Adolescent children aged ten to fourteen may have the most difficult time adjusting to a blended family. Younger children adapt more readily, and older children spend most of their free time away from the home, tending to separate from the new family and potential conflict as they form independent identities. 6. An individual who had a secure attachment relationship with a parent or caregiver when he or she was very young has a better chance of relating well in his or her new family than one who did not. This is true whether the individual is the biological parent, stepparent, or stepchild. On the other hand, myths and misconceptions about blended families abound. Some of the more common fallacies include the following statements. The realities concerning these myths follow, in italics: 1. Love occurs instantly between a stepchild and stepparent. It takes four to seven years for a blended family to establish its own stable patterns and become adjusted. There is often a tacit or unstated expectation that because you love your new partner, you will automatically love his or her children, or that the children will automatically love you because you are a nice person. The reality is that establishing relationships takes time and does not happen magically or overnight. 2. As long as you truly want a relationship with your stepchild, he or she will want one with you. Despite your best efforts, your new spouse’s children often resent having to form a relationship with you. Such rejection hurts, and when people feel hurt, they may in turn become resentful and angry. Stepfamily adjustment will be easier if you begin your relationships with your stepchildren with minimal, realistic expectations about how those relationships will develop. Then you will be pleased when respect and friendship
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3.
4.
5.
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blossom and less disappointed if it takes longer than you anticipated. Children of divorce and remarriage are damaged forever. No evidence supports this claim. Research has demonstrated that in time, most children recover their emotional equilibrium. Five to ten years after the formation of a blended family, most young people are no different from kids in first-marriage families. Stepmothers or stepfathers are wicked. This myth is based on the fairy tales children hear. Because these stories tell about stepparents who are not kind, nice or fair, people who accept this position may be confused about their roles. You may be a wonderful person who wants to do a good job, but much of the world seems to have another idea about stepparents. There is no harder job in the world than step-parenting. It often seems like a lose-lose proposition. Be aware that the negative model of the stepparent can impact you in a very personal way, making you self-conscious about your new role. Adjustment to stepfamily life occurs quickly. Couples are optimistic when they remarry. They want life to settle down and to get on with being happy. If your hope is that once the wedding is over, life will return to normal (whatever that is), you will be disappointed. Because stepfamilies are so complicated, it takes a long time, often four to seven years or longer, for people to get to know each other, to create positive relationships and to develop a family history. Children adjust to divorce and remarriage more easily if biological parents withdraw. Children will always have two biological parents. However, they will adjust better if they have access to both. They need to be able to see their nonresidential parent and to think well of him or her. Sometimes visitation is painful for the nonresidential parent, but it is important to the child’s adjustment and emotional health (except in the rare instances of parental abuse or
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neglect). It helps if the residential parent and stepparent work toward a parenting partnership with all the adults involved. Sometimes this can’t happen right away, but it can be something to work toward. 7. Part-time stepfamilies are easier. When the stepchildren visit only occasionally, perhaps only every other weekend, there may not be enough one-on-one time to work on stepchild/stepparent relationships. And there is less opportunity for family activities. Since stepfamilies follow an adjustment process, the part-time stepfamily may take longer to move through the process. 8. There is only one kind of family. The stepfamily will not be just like a biological family. It doesn’t have to be, and probably shouldn’t be. Today, there are lots of kinds of families: first-marriage, second-marriage, single-parent, foster and stepfamily. Each type is different; each is valuable. Such misconceptions and misplaced expectations that people bring with them when entering a blended family contribute to the difficulty of the adjustment process. In the next of Dr. Emener’s cases, we see this principle in practice. Ira, a thirty-eight-year-old auto mechanic, and Carrie, a thirtyfour-year-old customer service representative with an airline, had been married for about one year. Both of them had been married before, and each of them had joint custody of three children from their previous marriages. Before their marriage they had dated and had been engaged for a period of two years. During that time, while they had limited time together, they “truly enjoyed every moment” they had spent together. Since their marriage, however, with anywhere from one to six children in the house at one time, their relationship “had deteriorated significantly!” As Dr. Emener and the couple continued to talk about their premarital relationship compared to their marital relationship, Bill sketched a diagram for them similar to the one in Figure 6.2. He also suggested that it would be helpful for
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Figure 6.2. Illustration of a Blended Family.
them to try to identify what had changed in their relationship. What became clear was that prior to their marriage, whenever the two of them would do anything together, they were able to focus all of their attention and energies on each other and their relationship. Now that they were married, however, living in the same house, sleeping in the same bed, and being intimately involved in each other’s multiple other-person issues, they were feeling as if their own relationship constantly had to take a back seat to other people, other relationships and other issues. For example, they identified some critical time variables that related to their: (1) marital life; (2) individual ex-spouse issues; and (3) child-time constraints and demands. Dr. Emener heard a danger signal when Carrie said, “Sometimes I almost wish we had never married. Our relationship was so much easier, so much more fun, and so much easier to manage when we were just dating and engaged.” As Ira and Carrie’s analysis of their life continued, it became clear to them that the one thing they had not done was to take control of their family – their blended family. Ira was continuing to try to be “superdad” to his three children and Carrie’s three children as well. Likewise, Carrie was trying to
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continue to be “supermom” to her three children as well as to Ira’s three children. As they discussed the realities of the extent to which they were involved with their six children, Ira said, “It’s becoming clearer and clearer to me, Carrie, that the kids have simply taken over our life!” Bill discussed some of the misconceptions and lack of awareness that impacts newly blended families, and told them that it would be very helpful for them to read some literature on the subject. As time went on, Ira and Carrie were able to modify effectively their six children’s expectations of them. Furthermore, they established some priorities as to how and with whom they would spend their time. It also had become clear to them that they would have to continue to pay attention to their blended family issues. The most important thing, however, was that they had recognized that their new blended family had gotten out of control, and their marital relationship did not have the high priority that it once had. The two of them were beginning to work as a team to reconfigure their family life so that it also would provide quality time and nourishment for their own relationship. It is not uncommon for two individuals to enjoy a pleasant, meaningful and stress-free relationship. However, when two individuals, such as Ira and Carrie, then marry and meaningfully bring children and extended family members from previous marriages into their own marriage, what emerges is a blended family situation. In such situations, it is extremely important that both individuals be sure to attend to their own relationship and not allow their relationship to be caught up in the disquietude of others’ demands, expectations and time-consuming activities.
CHILDREN As we trust you have already noticed, the importance, the impact and the influence of children on a loving relationship are receiving much attention throughout this book. Many of the myths listed above,
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as well as the realities concerning them, address the child-stepparent issue in detail. Unquestionably, children are significant “outside factors” of a loving relationship. Children understandably can be very demanding of our time, our resources, our attention and our love. It is important that we attend to these demands. As we have many times said to our students, clients and friends, the most important thing parents (biological or otherwise) can give to their children is unconditional love, and the worst thing children can experience from their parents is fear of abandonment. The long-term effects of these two critical childhood experiences have been addressed throughout this book. As parents communicate and demonstrate their unconditional love to their children, however, it is also important that they continue to be sensitive and attentive to: (1) themselves; (2) each other; and, (3) their relationship. Our children do not belong to us; they pass through us and, eventually, get on with lives of their own. While it is extremely critical for us as parents to attend to our children’s needs and wants, it also is important that we be careful not to mortgage our own loving relationship in the process. As one of our clients articulately said, “I am proud to share with you that we have four beautiful, successful, loving and extremely healthy adult children. Unfortunately, we paid a very high price for that – our divorce was finalized about six months ago. And I continue to wonder how much of all of our wonderful accomplishments with our children may have been tarnished by the fact that their parents are now divorced. Maybe it is ironic that in the long run we have taught them not only what love, loving and loving relationships are all about, we also have taught them what can happen if you don’t do it right.”
DISTANCE As is illustrated by the fourth statement at the beginning of this chapter, sometimes distance can be a significant factor in a loving relationship. When two individuals are geographically away from
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each other, they may not: (1) have as many opportunities to be together; (2) understand all of the things that are going on in each other’s lives; (3) have a genuine appreciation for the impact of what is going on in each other’s lives day-to-day; and (4) have opportunities to assist each other in attending to their daily issues, difficulties and frustrations. As one of our clients told us, “It seems like since we have been living apart during the week, we have so much less appreciation for what is really going on in each other’s lives. And in that sense, I feel very lonely. I guess the bottom line is that sometimes a long-distance relationship can simply be hell!” A long-distance loving relationship can be extremely difficult for any two individuals. We suggest, however, that in such situations it is helpful for the individuals involved to address the following questions: 1. What is the reason for our being geographically apart? (e.g., an employment/career move, a school/educational opportunity, a family illness); 2. How long will this situation last? (e.g., for a fixed or uncertain period of time); 3. How is our being apart affecting us personally? (e.g., feeling sad, lonely and/or depressed, feeling relieved and/or pleased); 4. How is our being apart affecting our relationship? (e.g., not at all; we’re psychologically drifting away from each other; we’re arguing and fighting with each other); 5. Are there any things we could do to make the situation better? (e.g., talk on the telephone more frequently and/or on a regular schedule); and 6. What would happen if we decided to stop being apart and one or both of us moved so we could be together (or closer to each other)? Said another way, what would be the logical consequences of our changing the situation? There may be additional questions pertinent to your situation. These six, however, could provide a good starting place for you. Also
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keep in mind that loving relationships are voluntary and therefore can persist only to the extent that they satisfy the desires of the couple. In most cases, this requires regular personal and face-to-face interaction, including intimacy, which is disrupted by geographical distance. It is simply unreasonable to expect a long-distance relationship to last indefinitely, and we advise against harboring any such belief.
A DISABILITY Mildred and Chris came to see Dr. Emener primarily because of a recommendation from Mildred’s physical therapist. Six months before coming to his office, Mildred, at the age of forty-seven, had suffered a stroke. Needless to say, it changed her life dramatically. Her husband, Chris, a forty-eight-year-old owner of a limousine service, was a very caring, loving and compassionate man. They had been married for twenty-five years and had three daughters and one son. When Bill asked them if there was any specific reason why the two of them had come in, Chris said, “It’s our marriage. Ever since Mildred’s stroke our relationship seems to have been falling apart.” Life had become very difficult for the two of them. One of the factors complicating their relationship was their ability to communicate with each other – as a result of Mildred’s stroke, she had expressive aphasia. The term “aphasia” refers to language deficits. Expressive aphasia refers to “outbound” language, or what we communicate to others. Receptive aphasia refers to the inability to understand “inbound” language. For many years neuroscientists have associated these two types of language deficits to damage to particular and separate areas of the brain. Expressive aphasia has been associated with a brain region known as Broca’s area, near the front left side of the brain, whereas receptive aphasia was assumed to relate to one of two areas closer to the back left side of the brain, which are Wernicke’s area and the angular gyrus. Today, however, we know that while damage to these brain areas usually does cause aphasia, so
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does damage to other areas of the brain. Moreover, damage to these areas may leave language abilities unaffected. The situation is considerably more complicated than previously believed. Basically, Mildred could hear and understand what another person was saying to her, and she could conceptually formulate a response. The difficulty, however, was that it was extremely cumbersome, time-consuming and difficult for her to express herself verbally. This was very frustrating for her because she knew what she wanted to say but could not get the words out. In addition to identifying some ways to help Mildred express herself, as well as to help Chris learn to be patient and give her the time she needed to say what she wanted to say, they also discovered what were the more salient factors contributing to the difficulties in their relationship. Dr. Emener sketched a diagram for them similar to the one in Figure 6.3. While pointing to the figure, he said, “It appears to me that before Mildred’s stroke, this is what your relationship, as it
Figure 6.3. Impact of Disability on Chris and Mildred’s Relationship.
interfaced with your family, looked like. The two of you enjoyed a very meaningful and loving marriage. Your sister and your four grown adult children also were getting on with their own lives. But since Mildred’s stroke, you have had a new type of family configuration that looks like this: the four children and Mildred’s sister have rallied around her to provide her all kinds of love and
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support, and Chris is sort of feeling like he is out here by himself watching Mildred getting everybody else’s attention.” Mildred began crying. When her tears subsided, she began to speak slowly and with painstaking duress. What she eventually expressed was, “I am not stupid. I know what is going on. Everyone is showering me with all kinds of attention and no one pays any attention to Chris. I know he is angry at me because of my stroke, and he is resentful of me for having had the stroke. I want so much to be loving toward him and want to make love to him. But I am scared. I’m afraid that if I attend to him the way I would like to, I might have another stroke. At the same time, I’m afraid that if I don’t attend to him, I will lose him.” Chris was shocked and amazed at the extent to which Mildred understood him. And yet, in his very compassionate and loving way, he told her that he did not resent her for having had a stroke. That was something that she had no control over. He very beautifully said to her, “Millie, I do not resent you or your stroke. What I do resent is the way it has changed our relationship.” With tears in his eyes, he continued, “Millie, Honey, I love you more than ever. And at this moment I am feeling closer to you than I have in the past six months.” They held each other’s hands for the rest of that session. Mildred received assurance from her medical doctors that if she did not rush in where angels fear to tread, she and Chris could again begin to enjoy an active sex life. Moreover, the two of them “joined forces” and slowly, yet delicately, explained to their children and Mildred’s sister that Mildred did not need as much attention as she had been receiving. Interestingly, one of the things that Mildred did to help herself with her ability to communicate was to purchase a laptop. During the day, she was able to type out things that she wanted to say to Chris, her children and her sister. She told Dr. Emener that it was really helpful for her to take time during the day to type out messages to people so that she could communicate things to them that she was not able to say. She even began to do that with Dr. Emener. The last time Mildred came in, she brought a piece of paper that included the following:
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For the past six months, everyone in the world has been paying attention to my disability. I understood that. However, it lasted too long. The worst thing that happened was that Chris and I forgot to pay attention to each other and our relationship. But we’ve changed all that! Now that we are back together again, I’m feeling more like Mildred, people are responding to me as Mildred, and sometimes it is even as if people forgot that I had a stroke.
When one person in a loving relationship acquires a disability, it is understandable that the other person, as well as family members and friends, will pay exclusive attention to the disability and not the person. As time goes on, however, if everyone’s attention continues to be focused on the individual with the disability, the nature of the person’s loving relationship will begin to change and possibly disintegrate. Mildred and Chris learned this the hard way. However, they were able to turn things around and once again enjoy their relationship. Bill felt very good inside when he received a note from Millie in which she said, “At this time, the only three differences between our relationship today and our relationship the way it was over the past twenty-five years is that: (1) we have to do things more slowly and more carefully; (2) there are some things that we cannot do as well as we once could; and, (3) I talk funny. But, Chris and I are so in love. And at times I feel like our marriage is better than it ever was.” Because of laws such as the American’s with Disabilities Act and the development of so-called assistive technologies (e.g., Mildred’s laptop computer), disabled individuals today have options undreamt of only five to ten years ago. The number of cases in which a disability can be substantially overcome is far greater than it ever was. Couples need only realize that an entire world of rehabilitative assistance is available to assist them and the disabled individual to cope with the changes.
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OTHER OUTSIDE FACTORS There are numerous other factors, realities, extenuating circumstances and conditions outside of (or surrounding) a loving relationship, in addition to the five just discussed, that can have a significant impact on two individuals and their relationship. For each of the following five additional outside factors, edited quotes from our clients or friends are included to illustrate some of the salient features of each factor and its impact on the individuals and their relationships. 1. Socio-economic factors. “Willis and I have been engaged since Christmas. He has many excellent qualities – he’s handsome, intelligent, a good dancer and has a good job. However, he also is extremely self-centered. I sometimes fear I would feel lonely if I were married to him. Then again, he has a big house, a membership in the country club, we go skiing in Colorado every winter and Scuba diving in the Bahamas every spring, and we attend those fancy balls and the symphony. He promised me a new car as a wedding present too. I guess if it doesn’t work out at least I’d be suffering in comfort.” 2. Relatives. “Most married people have in-laws and outlaws. We were married last year and we live in the same town as her parents. They’re constantly trapping us into doing things with them. They just assume that when they call and say, ‘We’re barbecuing Sunday,’ that we’re supposed to just be there! They’re good folks – I like them. But how can I get them to realize that we have a life of our own?” 3. Cross-cultural Factors. “I know that in his country the role of the husband and the role of the wife are different. But this is the United States. He and his family seem to think I should be the kind of wife they have back in their native country. It’s like when his brother and his wife came over for dinner last Sunday afternoon. When we finished eating, she and I
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cleaned up and did the dishes. But then she and I had to sit in the kitchen while the men talked in the living room and wait until they said it was okay for us to join them. Well, no more. This crap is going to come to a screeching halt!” 4. Inter-racial Factors. “Jane and I have been going together for about six months. We see each other almost every evening and spend most weekends together. When it’s just the two of us alone somewhere, it’s wonderful. As you can see, I’m Black and she’s white. I know her family really struggles with my color. I’ve even overheard her brothers telling nigger jokes. Her sister thinks it’s her way of protesting and declaring her independence. My relatives and friends give me heat too – the sisters in the neighborhood are always telling me that I’m selling out. Like, ‘They’re not good enough for me.’ It’s really tough – for both of us!” 5. Social Status. “My husband’s a popular, well-known, elected public official in our city. I also have some popularity by association – I have name and face recognition wherever I go. We’re known as ‘the most popular couple in town.’ Not only that, my job and his job thrive, to some extent, because we have this ‘Mr. and Mrs. America’ reputation. All I want, however, is to be happy. But not him. He thrives on that stuff. I think of us as ‘Ken and Barbie with the most empty relationship on earth.’ I’m so lonely – even when we’re at the Governor’s Ball, surrounded by the city’s finest! If I stay with him, I'll always command respect and dignity for what I am. Who I am, though, is a woman who’s dying inside.” 6. Extended Family Issues. Rhonda and her brothers and sisters were very concerned when their sixty-five-year-old mother called and said, “I just want you to know that I cashed in half of my 401K to purchase a used Winnebago so my thirty-five year old boyfriend and I can tour the country for three months.” For numerous reasons, the Baby Boomers are not only living longer – they’re living more actively. Occasionally, the “Viagra generation” has been said to be out
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Chapter Seven
OTHER PEOPLE
W
hen one of us begins to work with a couple who has come to see us because of difficulties in their relationship, it is not uncommon for us to ask them a number of specific questions such as “How long have you been together and/or married?” “Do you have any children?” We also typically ask, “Are there any other people involved?” With this question we are seeking to know if there are one or more people who serve or have served as distracters to, or enhancers of, their relationship. Consider, for example, the responses to this question we have heard from the four individuals below: Ted: “Ever since Dad came to live with us two months ago, which I can understand because he broke his hip and can’t manage for himself, we never seem to be able to do anything. He’s always either needing us to do something for him or butting into our conversations. The only time we ever get any time together is late at night when he’s asleep!” Sonya: “Since last June when your brother and his wife moved back, our life has been so much different. Now that they’re only ten minutes away we can do a lot of things with them. And they’re always getting something going. Before they moved back, we just sat around all the time. We’re having so much more fun nowadays.”
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We trust that you can readily see that three of these people are referring to “the other person” as a relationship distracter: an individual who interferes with or has a detrimental impact on your relationship – e.g., Ted’s father, Ryan’s son, and in Paula’s case, the woman with whom her husband had had an affair. On the other hand, two of these people were referring to “the other person” as a relationship enhancer: an individual who adds to or enriches your relationship – e.g.., Sonya’s brother-in-law and sister-in-law, and Jewel’s mother. And sometimes, “the other person” is not a distracter to or an enhancer of a loving relationship, but is intricately connected to your past, current or future loving relationship. This may occur for instance when “the other person” is directly or indirectly providing transition assistance or maintenance assistance before, during or after a loving relationship. The critical nature of these kinds of “other persons” will become clearer to you as we look at them in more detail.
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A THIRD PERSON IN A TWO-SEATER Even though Stan and Lois were both in their mid-forties, they had only been married for five years. They had lived together three years before getting married, and both said that when they had their daughter they “both were very ready to have a child.” They came to see Dr. Emener primarily because they were having “serious difficulties in their marital relationship.” From what they shared, it was apparent that the two of them constantly were devoting large amounts of their time and energy to their four-year-old daughter. In his typical humorous way, Stan said, “I love my daughter dearly. I know Lois loves her just as much. The three of us are very close – too close! I hope you can understand, Dr. Emener, but in spite of the fact that I love my little girl so much, there are moments when I wish I could get away from her.” What Stan was actually saying was that his daughter was what he called, “a third person in a two-seater.” Stan and Lois wanted very much to have a close marital relationship – a relationship similar to what they had before being married and having their a child. However, their daughter became such an integral part of their marital relationship that the two of them were beginning to grow apart. Bill sketched a little diagram for them similar to the one in Figure 7.1. He suggested to them, “It would seem to me that this is the type of relationship you have now. The two of you, mom and dad, are basically growing apart and are focusing more and more of your attention on your daughter.” Stan, asking if he could borrow a pencil, drew the other part of Figure 7.1 and said, “And this is what I want to have – a relationship in which the two of us are very close, where we would have a very loving monogamous relationship, where each of us could enjoy a special relationship with our daughter, and where the three of us could enjoy a relationship as a family.” In addition to some marital counseling sessions with Dr. Emener, Stan, Lois and their daughter also met with a child psychologist so that, as a family, they could move toward a marital and family relationship that would be more in keeping with what they wanted.
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Figure 7.1. A Third Person in a Two-Seater.
It is not uncommon for a visiting or ill parent, a child, an old high school or college friend, an AA sponsor, or even the memory of an old relationship to come between two loving individuals. When another person starts to become the third person in your two-seater relationship, it is important for you to attend to it. As Lois one time said, “No matter how much we love our daughter, our parents, or anyone else for that matter, Stan and I will never again allow anyone to come between us.”
THE TRANSITION PERSON The beginnings and endings of loving relationships are often times of great upheaval in the lives of those involved. Early on, new patterns of behavior must be established and other people involved
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(e.g., close friends of each member of the couple, particularly if they are single) must make adjustments. At the end of a loving relationship, a similar upheaval typically occurs. Often one or both of the parties may experience bereavement, the feelings of loss associated with the death of the relationship. A transition person is an individual who helps one member of a loving relationship get from one place to another. For example, we have known of numerous situations in which the person with whom a spouse was having an affair was, in effect, a transition person. If we look, for example, at Figure 7.2, we can see a descriptive depiction of how a man may be
Figure 7.2. Example of a “Transition Person.”
married, unhappy and wanting a divorce, but may not have the egostrength, self-confidence and courage to negotiate one. A transition person can enhance those qualities in him . After his divorce, he may
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be happier and still maintain a close relationship with his transition person. However, it is important to remember that a transition person helps someone get from one place to another. Thus, it is not uncommon for such a scenario to eventually work out whereby the ex-wife and ex-husband are separated (or divorced), and the exhusband also drifts away from and is eventually separated from the transition person. For example, Dr. Emener recalls the time when one of his clients, Tracy, said to him, “I had wanted to get a divorce from my wife for years. However, I guess I never felt good enough about myself, I never felt strong enough, to pull it off. Then I met Rita. She and I were very close, and even though we never talked about a future, long-term relationship, I guess the thought of our getting together someday was always there. To be honest with you, without Rita I probably would not have been able to go through with filing for my divorce. But once it was finalized, I guess I just didn’t need her anymore. I don’t have to tell you how angry she was when I started drifting away from her!” Sometimes a transition person will help an individual, like Rita helped Tracy, get from being married to being divorced. At other times, a transition person can help an individual overcome a divorce, or change jobs or move to another city. Whatever the individual case may be, it is important to remember that a transition person typically is just that – a person in a transition – and it is our transition. It is understandable that a transition-person relationship is typically time limited, intertwined with the transitioning of one individual, and commonly “over” once the person has transitioned to where he or she wants to be.
THE AFFAIR PERSON We are well aware of the fact that there are numerous religious, philosophical and legal considerations of an extra-marital affair. We do not address such issues in this book, but urge you to consider them to whatever extent they are relevant, pertinent and important to you.
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Herein, we shall focus primarily on the functional, pragmatic and psychological aspects of an affair, specifically in terms of how they affect individuals involved in loving relationships. It also must be remembered that an individual may have different kinds of affairs. An affair can be primarily sexual in nature, as well as psychological and/or emotional in nature. As one of our clients recently said, “Alex and I have not even held hands. But we talk almost everyday, we feel very close to each other, and I guess I could say that Alex and I are heavily involved in a psychological affair.” Throughout our clinical experiences, we repeatedly have observed that when an individual is involved in an extra-marital affair, the most meaningful aspect, which also tends to be the longest lasting aspect, is not the sex – it’s the intimacy. When men and women have told us about affairs they have had, they frequently include the following types of statements: “The most important thing I learned from my affair with Henry was that I am a lovable person.” “During the six months I was having an affair with Alice, I had a taste of what the good life was like.” And, “After being treated like a princess and feeling so special during my affair with George, I developed the self-confidence I needed to finally take action and do something about my horrible marriage.” Dr. Emener will never forget what Leslie said to him about her husband, Marshall, and her lover, David: “Marshall fucks me; David makes love to me.” As previously said, affairs typically do not last forever. The reason is rather simple: people who are in a relationship and have an affair usually claim that they came out of the affair as stronger individuals, even if they wish the affair never happened for other reasons (see below). Most of the time, they then either fix their primary relationship (e.g., by going to see a marriage counselor with their spouse) or end their primary relationship (e.g., filing for a divorce). If you are or ever have been involved in an affair, you may
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be struggling with feelings of confusion, sorrow and guilt. Nonetheless, in the long run it may be important for you to ask yourself three questions (in addition to others): 1. What was I missing in my primary relationship that led me to have the affair?; 2. What did I learn about myself and my relationship needs as a result of the affair?; and, 3. With this new knowledge, what do I now want to do with regard to my primary relationship? If you are currently involved in a loving relationship with a person who is having or has had an affair, you may be struggling with feelings of confusion, betrayal and anger. Nonetheless, in the long run it may be important for you to ask yourself the two following questions (among others): 1. What was there about our relationship that contributed to his or her having an affair? And, 2. What does all of this mean for us in terms of what he or she and I need to do about the future of our relationship? As we have suggested throughout this book, fault finding, blaming, shaming, and trying to figure out who is “right” and who is “wrong” tend to represent strategies that do not resolve difficulties or solve anything – in fact, they often create more problems than the one started with. Although it may be very critical for one person to ask, “What did I do, what did I not do, and what was going on in my life that may have contributed to my having an affair?” the other person may ask, “What did I do, or what I did not do, and what was going on in our relationship that may have contributed to my loved one having an affair?” It has been our experience that in the majority of cases an affair is not only an indication of a problem on behalf of one person, it also is an indication of a problem in a relationship.
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A powerful example of this latter principle comes from one of Dr. Emener’s case files. Jack, a thirty-five-year-old regional manager for a telecommunications company who traveled a lot for his work and spent a lot of time at his country club to maintain his exceptionally low handicap, had been seeing one of Bill’s colleagues because, Jack said, “My wife had an affair on me.” Nonetheless, Melissa, Jack’s wife, made an appointment for them to see Dr. Emener “Because they wanted to work on their relationship.” Midway through their first session, Melissa turned to Jack and said what epitomizes the tenet in the previous paragraph: “Jack, the bottom line is that if we want to stay married to each other we have to work on our relationship. Yes, I had an affair. And as I have told you numerous times, ‘I did it, I’m responsible for what I did, and I feel horrible for having done it.’ However, there were things going on and there were things not going on in our relationship. I can’t change what I did, Jack. But if we’re going to have any chance of getting past what I did and have a marriage worth being in, we have to work on and improve our relationship. You need to know, Jack, I did not just wake up on a Saturday morning and say to myself, ‘I love Jack so much, we have such a wonderful relationship and I feel so admired, appreciated, respected and loved by Jack that I think I’ll go out, look around and have an affair.’ That’s not how it happened.”
A fair amount of research has been conducted on the reasons people have affairs, and although they vary across individuals and situations, a single thread ties most of them together: People have affairs because they meet someone who they say makes them feel special in a way their current partner does not. Studies have time and again shown that while wonderful sex is very often reported as a benefit of an affair, it is rarely ever the reason people begin one. More often, people have affairs because they are lonely, are living unsatisfactory parallel lives, or are just unable or unwilling to recognize that their current relationship does not meet their needs and desires. If you are in an otherwise satisfactory relationship and meet
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someone with whom you would consider entering into an affair, we strongly suggest you ask yourself and honestly answer the questions listed above before you enter into the affair. Research also shows that more people regret having affairs than say they were happy the affair happened. This is true even years after the affair, regardless of whether it led to the dissolution of their then-current relationship.
THE MAINTENANCE PERSON A maintenance person is an individual in our lives who helps us to fill a void, meet a need, give companionship and essentially provide for us a limited number of positive experiences with a limited amount of responsibility. Basically, a relationship with a maintenance person tends to be focused, time-limited, and designed to meet a finite number of our needs and wants. For example, when Wanda was beginning to overcome her very difficult divorce, she said to Dr. Emener, “I know I am not emotionally ready to have a significant-other relationship. Nonetheless, I have finally found myself a good maintenance person. Richard and I enjoy playing tennis together, going to the beach together, having dinner together and occasionally watching a movie together. We have agreed that this is all we want, we are very careful to not go beyond what we want, and it surely is adding a tremendous amount of pleasure and meaning to my life.” A very important aspect of a maintenance-person relationship is that both individuals have established and do not violate the boundaries to which they have agreed. They are also very careful and sensitive to be sure that whatever the two of them agree to is okay, comfortable, not punishing and enjoyable for both of them. A loving relationship does not necessarily have to be an exclusive, all or nothing, or “you’re the only one for me for the rest of my life” kind of relationship. Men have male friends with whom they do limited things (e.g., they have fishing buddies, golfing buddies, etc.) and women have women friends (e.g., friends to go shopping
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with, friends to play tennis with, etc.). Why cannot men and women have such types of friends who happen to be members of the opposite sex? As Rachel said to one of us, “I know I am not ready for a longterm, emotional, loving relationship. But at this point, my life is not only very comfortable but exciting. I go to dinner with Roman, I play tennis and go to the beach with Philip, and there’s nothing more fun than dinner and dancing with Ronald.” She and each of her male friends tend to truly enjoy what they do with each other. None of them is getting hurt, all of them agree to the boundaries of their relationships, and the nature of their relationships contributes to their overall enjoyment in life. When Dr. Lambos was discussing the concept of a maintenance person with one of his friends, she said, “Jack and I have a wonderful relationship and we have agreed to keep it right where it is – why ruin a good thing?” ****** There’s nothing wrong with staying offshore looking for a perfect wave. Be careful, however, that crosscurrents and outgoing tides don’t turn you over or push you out to sea. Ride a good wave once in a while, they keep your skills honed. Surfing is what you’re out there for anyway, and good waves give meaning to the perfect waves, if ever one should come along.
Chapter Eight
NEEDS AND WANTS
I
n the spring of 1970, Dr. Emener had an opportunity to go to a round of the Masters Golf Tournament in Augusta, Georgia. One of his more memorable experiences that day occurred while watching the players practice their putting. One of the veteran pros, who had recently recovered from major surgery and was playing again for the first time in months, dropped three balls onto the green and was getting ready to putt. A nearby spectator called out, “Come on, Chi Chi, you need to win this one. Then you’ll feel real good about yourself.” Without batting an eye, the pro gently turned to the spectator and respectfully said, “No my friend, you are wrong. First of all, I am here. I am alive. I am healthy. I have a beautiful wife and beautiful children. I want to win, yes, but I do not need to win to feel good about myself or about my life.” Bill will never forget that exchange. Clearly, Chi Chi Rodriquez knew the difference between his needs and his wants. In this chapter, we will focus on how our needs and our wants can interface with our loved one’s needs and wants and how they can affect and influence our loving relationships.
DIFFERENCES BETWEEN NEEDS AND WANTS We trust that you remember the story in Chapter Four about when a number of years ago Dr. Emener’s older daughter told him she
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needed a sixty-dollar pair of jeans. As that story humorously yet poignantly portrayed, human beings are said to have four basic needs: oxygen, water, food, and shelter. In this book, nonetheless, we would suggest that for the vast majority of us, some amount of the company of other people certainly could be added to this list. Although some people do live as hermits, it is rare for a person to live and enjoy life without interacting with others. Therefore, we take some exception to other theorists (such as Albert Ellis) and posit that most human beings do, in fact, need to associate with other people. This exception aside, there remains a fundamental difference between (1) recognizing that something is a desirable preference or want, and (2) harboring the belief that what one would like to have or want to have is the something that one needs to have. A relatively easy way to determine the difference is to ask ourselves: “What would happen if I did not get what I need or want?” For example, we need air because if we did not get air in approximately three to four minutes, we would die. The same can be said for water, food and shelter from the elements. On the other hand, if we want a new car because the old one has bad shock absorbers, we would consider this a want because if we do not get a new car, the worst thing that would happen is that we would continue to ride around in an uncomfortable car. And although it is true that we need food, going to a very expensive restaurant also would fall under the rubric of being a preference, or a want. When we do not gratify or satisfy a need, the outcome can seem dramatic or catastrophic. Many times when we do not satisfy or gratify a want, even though the outcome might appear to be catastrophic, it actually is not. To wit, it is important for both individuals involved in a loving relationship to remain sensitive to the extent to which they are attending to their needs versus their wants. If we confuse the two, we quickly assume, consciously or otherwise, that we must get what we want or else it will be a disaster. Taking such a stand is almost guaranteed to result in our becoming unhappy – none of us can ever get everything we want.
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When Dr. Emener was talking with Mike and Betty about their marital difficulties, Betty said to him, “All summer long I have been asking Mike to take me for a four-day weekend at an exclusive beach resort so that we could spend a lovely weekend together. He has not done that! I don’t know what to say. He keeps telling me he loves me, but yet he won’t do this one thing for me. He keeps telling me that we can’t afford it.” As the three of them were discussing considerations of their needs and wants, Dr. Emener said, “It sounds to me, Betty, like you need to feel loved by Mike. What you want is to go to an exclusive beach resort for a four-day weekend. Does that dichotomy seem reasonable to you?” At that point, Mike interrupted and said to Betty, “There have been many times when I have wanted to take you away for a vacation, but I felt that if I didn’t take you to a very expensive, exclusive beach resort that you would be disappointed anyway. Of course, I love you. But does it have to be a two-thousand-dollar weekend?” As their conversation continued, Mike and Betty were able to clearly delineate the differences between their needs or wants, and most importantly, they were able to identify some alternative ways of meeting their needs (even though they could not satisfy and gratify all of their wants). A really cool experience occurred for Bill when he received a postcard with the following written on it: “We found this lovely little ‘Mom and Pop’ place for only $125 per night. We’re right on the beach. Having a wonderful time! Love, Mike and Betty.” Being sensitive to and talking about each other’s needs and wants can be exceptionally helpful to individuals in loving relationships.
MEETING MY NEEDS AND WANTS As you may recall, in Chapter Four we were sharing with you some of the experiences of Richard and Wanda. In a multitude of ways, Wanda was attempting to meet too many of her interpersonal needs through her relationship with her husband, Richard. Not only
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was this incredibly disappointing to Wanda, it also put a tremendous amount of pressure and stress on Richard. Basically, we suggest that individuals in loving relationships continue to ask themselves three questions: 1. What are my needs from this relationship? 2. What are my wants with respect to this relationship? and, 3. How and with whom do I get what I need and want? Furthermore, be sure that what you consider a need truly is a need; it may not be as central to your existence as food or water. It may not be what we refer to as a “deal breaker” – that is, your decision as to whether or not you choose to remain in the relationship may not be dependent meeting that “need.” Let’s also remember that even though loving relationships typically are entered into on a voluntary basis, if a failure to meet a desire or want in a relationship is strong enough to warrant ending the relationship, then from our perspective it very well may qualify as a need, and in that case it indeed may be a deal breaker. Most individuals meet and gratify their interpersonal needs and wants in a variety of ways. For example, our relationships with our friends, co-workers, parents, children and loved ones are all sources of interpersonal nourishment and gratification. The most important thing is that we remain aware of how and in what ways we are meeting our interpersonal needs and wants. For example, if an individual has certain interpersonal needs that he or she would prefer to be meeting and gratifying in his or her loving relationship, and those needs are not being met, chances are that one of three things might happen. He or she would: (1) be extremely frustrated; (2) end the relationship; and/or (3) find a way to meet his or her needs outside the relationship. Fittingly, it can be very helpful to ask your loved one, “What are your needs and what are your wants? And how are you meeting your needs and your wants?” Having a clear understanding of each other’s answers to questions such as these can be very helpful. A married man may feel a strong need to continue to
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play softball one or two evenings per week because of his need for male bonding. Likewise, a married woman might feel a strong need to continue to play tennis with her girlfriends one or two evenings per week because of her need for female bonding. It is important to remember, nonetheless, that it may be almost impossible for a wife to meet her husband’s need for male bonding, and it equally might be almost impossible for a husband to meet his wife’s need for female bonding. Thus, while a husband and wife may want to play softball and/or tennis one or two evenings per week, we must remember that through such activities they may be meeting very important interpersonal needs. When two individuals in a loving relationship have a mutual understanding of issues such as these, there is also a greater chance that they may not feel threatened by each other’s outside activities (such as softball and tennis). It also may be important for a wife to know that her husband is playing softball to meet his male bonding needs and not to avoid spending time with her; likewise, it might be important for a husband to know that his wife is playing tennis one or two evenings per week because of her need for female bonding, not because she wants to avoid spending time with him.
MATCHING OUR ROLES WITH OUR NEEDS Don and Iris came to see Dr. Emener for counseling because they were “extremely frustrated” with each other and their relationship. Although Don and Iris had known each other in high school, they didn't really “meet” until their senior year of college. Immediately after graduating, they married, settled down and started rearing their family. After ten years of marriage, they had a lovely home in the suburbs, three beautiful children, good jobs and an enjoyable social life. When Dr. Emener and the couple were talking about their needs and wants, however, some of their relationship problems and difficulties began to unfold.
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Dr. Emener drew a figure for them similar to the one in Figure 8.1, and suggested, “When you first fell in love, Don, you were a
Figure 8.1. Understanding Our “Roles” and How We Meet Our Needs and Wants.
man, and Iris, you were a woman. You both were lovers. Then you became husband and wife. Simultaneously, Don, you continued to be a son, and Iris, you continued to be a daughter. Then, you eventually became a dad and a mom. Don, you are also an accountant, and Iris, you are a teacher. You are both house fixers as well as many other things. In other words, you play different roles in your lives in which you meet certain needs and wants on a daily and weekly basis.” They both looked at Dr. Emener and nodded with a clear indication that they understood what he was taking about. For example, Don said, “I meet a lot of my companionship needs through
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my interactions with people at work.” Iris said, “I have a number of good friends at the school where I teach.” Dr. Emener then turned to them, however, and asked, “Don, when was the last time you were reminded that you are a man? And Iris, when was the last time you felt you were treated like a woman?” While Don was silently staring out of the window, Iris looked down at her wringing hands and began to cry. In the conversation that followed, it became quite evident that over the years they had become preoccupied with their roles as dad, mom, accountant, teacher, house fixer, etc., and were not attending to each other as man, woman and lovers. Over the following few weeks, however, they consciously made time to spend more time together and attend to each other as man, woman and lovers. The last time Bill saw Don and Iris, they shared with him that their relationship had improved tremendously and that they were enjoying, not only their family, jobs and home, but each other as well. Iris said, “When we went away last weekend, it was so nice to have Don make love to me the way he did. I really felt wanted!” Don quickly added, “At the risk of sounding crass, I have to tell you how wonderful it was when we woke up the next morning and Iris jumped all over me!” Don and Iris recognized the extent to which they were forgetting about each other’s needs as man and woman, and they have made accommodations in their lifestyles so that they can respond to each other not only as the father and mother of each other’s children, etc., but also as lovers.
SIMILAR WANTS AND NEEDS Doris and Buddy, both in their late twenties, had been married for about five years and wanted to start a family. However, they were very hesitant because of their “marital problems.” It did not take long during the first session to realize that although they both loved each other very much, both of them were hurting and very angry. These feelings had been surfacing in forms of anger toward each other for a
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long time. Dr. Emener handed each of them a sheet of paper and asked them to write down their answers to the two following questions: 1. What is the number one thing that you are wanting from your relationship and are not getting? And 2. How have you been feeling as a result of not getting what you want from your relationship? When Dr. Emener asked each of them to share their answers with each other, interestingly, they both came up with very similar statements. Except for some minor differences in their expressions and vocabulary, they both basically said: (1) I want him/her to reach out to me and love me; and (2) I am feeling ignored, hurt and lonely. Dr. Emener shared with them that in his clinical practice it is not uncommon to find two individuals in a long-term loving relationship having similar types of feelings because their needs and wants of the relationship were not being met or gratified. Bill looked at each of them and said, “In many ways, this is sad. Each of you loves each other very much, but you are not feeling loved by each other. Not feeling loved by someone whom you love very much can be very painful – both of you are hurting. Simultaneously, because each of you also tends to feel helpless in not knowing what to do about it, you are both feeling frustrated and angry.” At that point, Buddy looked at Dr. Emener and said, “Yes, that is very true – at least it certainly is for me. But there’s another thought I want to share with you. I can recall numerous situations over the last few months when I have wanted to reach out to Doris and express my love for her, but I think my own pain and sorrow were simply getting in my way.” After a few minutes of silence, Doris turned to Buddy and said, “Buddy, Honey, maybe we just need to get away from each other for a little while?”
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Buddy, while drying his eyes, looked at Doris and said, “The two of us being away from each other scares me a little. However, I think maybe you’re right.” A few minutes later, Dr. Emener looked at each of them and said, “It sounds to me like there are four considerations we need to recognize: (1) each of you loves the other very much; (2) each of you wants to be loved and wants to feel loved by the other; (3) each of you wants to love and wants to be loving toward the other; and (4) what you seem to be identifying as a need, at this point in time, is for each of you to have an opportunity to stay away from each other for a while so that you can attend to your own hurts and sorrows.” The couple, with Bill’s help, identified some boundaries and agreements that would make a brief separation possible and relatively comfortable for them. For example, Buddy took some clothes and moved in with his brother who lived about fifteen miles from their apartment. During their two weeks apart, they agreed to speak on the telephone each night, to see each other one evening for dinner, and to go out together sometime during each weekend. Bill also recommended some materials for both of them to read and discuss. We are happy to share with you that they eventually were able to resolve many of their marital difficulties, and their “new found relationship” (their words) has been working out extremely well. Doris and Buddy helped us truly appreciate and realize how frequently individuals in long-term loving relationships can have very similar needs and wants. Although they both wanted to be loved and feel loved by each other, what they needed was an opportunity to heal some of their own emotional wounds before trying to reach out to, and be loving toward, each other. In loving relationships, it is very important for people to express to each other what they want. It is equally important, however, for people to identify and clearly articulate what they might need in order to be able to get to a position to help each other get what they want.
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IN OR OUTSIDE THE RELATIONSHIP During the three months when Dr. Emener was working with Fred and Gina, they focused on numerous aspects of their relationship – especially the needs and wants aspects. Fred was a thirty-two-yearold professor at a nearby junior college, and Gina was a thirty-threeyear-old account rep [no one uses “teller” anymore!] at a local bank. Both of them worked very hard and enjoyed their careers. Fred also enjoyed his hobby of fishing, and Gina very much enjoyed hers of playing bridge. An identified source of frustration for each of them, however, was their jealousy and resentment of each other’s relationships with co-workers and friends. For example, Fred said, “Gina, sometimes you seem to enjoy doing things with your friends at the bank and your bridge club friends more than you enjoy doing things with me.” Gina replied, “You sure do seem to enjoy your friends at the college as well as your fishing buddies!” Bill drew a chart for them similar to the one in Figure 8.2 and invited them to complete a homework assignment. He said, “I would like each of you to take a copy of this chart home with you. Gina, I would like you to write in this box what you need and want from Fred. Likewise, write in what you need from your relationship with Fred, what you want from your relationship with Fred, what you need from your work, what you want from your work, and what you need and want from your bridge club activities. Likewise, Fred, I would like you to fill in your eight boxes with regard to your needs and wants in each of these four areas.” They both understood the instructions and agreed to bring their completed charts with them to their next session.
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Figure 8.2. Specifying How and with Whom We Meet Our Needs and Wants.
At their next session, Fred and Gina shared with each other what they needed and wanted in each of these four areas of their lives. One of the first things that they noticed was that each of them tended to need and want similar kinds of things in each of the four areas. For example, both of them needed and wanted to be loved by each other, both of them wanted to feel special, valued and cherished in their relationship, both of them needed and wanted to feel a sense of worth and accomplishment in their careers, and both of them wanted companionship and same-sex bonding from their hobbies and interests.
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There are three important aspects of loving relationships that can be learned from Fred and Gina. First, most people have a variety of interpersonal needs and wants that are best met by having a variety of interpersonal relationships. Secondly, it is important for those in loving relationships to realize that they cannot meet all of each other’s interpersonal needs and wants – for example, our needs for companionship, camaraderie and same-sex bonding cannot be totally met by our significant other. Thirdly, it is important for individuals in loving relationships to communicate and respect each other’s alternative ways of meeting their interpersonal needs and wants. That is, it is very helpful if we can avoid feeling jealous of, resentful of, or threatened by the other important people in each other’s lives.
OVER-ESTIMATING OUR EXPECTATIONS OF EACH OTHER Dr. Lambos only had two marital counseling sessions with Wally and Marian. They were able to ameliorate and resolve their relationship issues rather easily. Part of their difficulties, however, had to do with the fact that they needed and wanted too much from one another. Both Wally and Marian were very high energy, highly productive and highly goal-oriented, especially in their professional lives. Understandably, they had very high expectations of themselves. Unfortunately, however, they also had extremely high expectations of each other. For example, Dr. Lambos remembers Wally saying to Marian, “Sometimes I get very frustrated with you because I have the feeling that I can never meet your expectations of me. I’m always feeling like I am letting you down. I think that if you actually looked at all of the things that I do for you, for our relationship and for myself, you would see that I am a very productive person. Now that I’m in my late forties, I am getting older, I don’t have as much energy as I used to have, and I simply think that some of your expectations of me are a little unrealistic.”
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Interestingly, Marian expressed very similar types of frustrations with regard to her perception of Wally’s expectations of her. What the two of them realized, nonetheless, was that each of them was overestimating each other’s capabilities. They were being overexpecting of each other. As Marian said to Wally, “Ten years ago, I was able to get up early, get the kids up and ready for school, put in a full day’s work, come home and fix dinner for the children, change clothes, and meet you at a restaurant to accompany you at a dinner meeting. I now find that sometimes by eight-thirty or nine o’clock at night, I am just too tired.” By tempering their expectations of each other, Wally and Marian were able to develop more realistic expectations of each other, reduce their frustrations and better enjoy their relationship. It is important for individuals in loving relationships to communicate with each other so that their expectations can be realistic and comfortable. As Wally said, “Before Marian and I were able to modify our expectations of each other, our marriage felt like work – it was like a job. Now I feel that our marriage is so much more comfortable and enjoyable.”
LIMITED ASSUMPTIONS When Dr. Emener was talking with Millie, a twenty-four-year-old schoolteacher, she told him that she sometimes felt a little nervous about marrying Paul, her fiancé, “because I had always hoped I could go on to complete my master’s degree.” Dr. Emener said to her, “What does your marriage to Paul have to do with your completing your master’s degree?” “Paul and I have been living together for a little over one year now,” she replied, “and every night when he comes home from work I have dinner ready for him. We always enjoy eating together, and then he and I enjoy the evening together. If I were to go back to school for my master’s, I probably would be taking classes one or two evenings a week and occasionally going to the library on the
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weekends to work on term papers. I even have wondered if I should delay our marriage and wait until I complete my degree before marrying Paul.” Dr. Emener suggested to Millie that it would be very helpful for her to talk with Paul about her desire to go back to school. He also asked her, “If you do not go on for your master’s degree because you are marrying Paul, will you ever feel resentful?” Millie pondered the question for a few minutes and then said, “Yes, I think I would. But I don’t know whether I would resent Paul or if I would resent myself. Maybe both?” At their next session, Millie offered that she mentioned to Paul that she had been thinking about going back to school. “I couldn't believe it! Paul’s response to me was ‘What can I do to help you?’” As they processed Millie’s thoughts and feelings regarding this aspect of her relationship with Paul, Millie’s discovery about herself was: “I was so in love with Paul, I wanted to marry him so much and was so afraid that I would mess things up, I underestimated him. I actually was going to limit my own life without even talking to him about school. That would have been a tragedy.” When we are in a loving relationship and want to do something for ourselves, it is a good idea to share our desires, wants, wishes and needs with our significant other, at least to get responses and input. “What would I do with my life if he or she were not in my life?” is a good question to ask ourselves on occasion. The bottom line is that we have to be careful that we do not limit ourselves or “make sacrifices” based on our assumptions. It is better to discuss our needs and wants before imposing any restrictions or limitations on ourselves. As Millie said, “Paul told me that one of the key ingredients of our relationship is trust. He is an incredibly wonderful man! Basically, he invited me to trust him and trust our relationship enough to always feel comfortable in telling him what I needed and wanted. He said to me, ‘I can’t promise you that I will always respond to your needs and wants the way you would like me to, but I will promise you that I will always try my best to understand and respect what you tell me you need and want.’ Isn’t he wonderful?”
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Dr. Emener smiled. She got the message.
LOGICAL CONSEQUENCES Sometimes when people in loving relationships think about their needs and wants, they think of their individual needs and wants as either being “good or bad” or “right or wrong.” We always have found it to be more helpful, when we think about our needs and wants, to ask ourselves two questions: • •
What are the logical consequences of my getting what I need or want from him (or her) or our relationship? and, What are the logical consequences of my not getting what I need and/or want from him (or her) or our relationship?
For example, when talking to Sandra about her wanting to take a two-week cruise with her husband for their tenth wedding anniversary, she told Dr. Emener that the two of them had been struggling with making the arrangements for the cruise “because it felt wrong for us to spend that much money at this point in our marriage.” Bill asked her, “What are the logical consequences of the two of you taking the two-week cruise?” Sandra answered, “We would be spending approximately $2,700. But at the same time we were hoping to be able to buy all new living room furniture.” What Sandra eventually realized, however, was that there was nothing wrong with wanting to take a two-week cruise to celebrate their anniversary and wanting new furniture. Nonetheless, the logical consequences of wanting both things, was that it would cost approximately $5,400 and they only had $2,700 in their budget. They simply had a decision to make – a decision based on their values. What ultimately was helpful for them was that once they were able to identify the logical consequences of their decision, they were able to free themselves from thinking of the alternatives (i.e., what they
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wanted) as either being right or wrong. As Sandra poignantly observed regarding her and her husband’s relationship, “Maybe the most important thing that my husband and I need is to learn that we cannot always get everything that we want.” It is not uncommon for people to say to themselves things like, “This would be right, that would be wrong. This would be good, that would be bad.” It is more helpful if we can say to ourselves, “This is what I need and that is what I want. What are the logical consequences of getting what I need and getting what I want and of not getting what I need and not getting what I want?” Frequently, the premature value-labeling of our needs and wants can: (1) preclude us from identifying the logical consequences of our alternatives; and (2) block us from exploring additional alternatives. For example, Sandra and her husband identified a third alternative: they decided to go on a less expensive, one-week cruise and purchase some new furniture. The important thing is that they were able to make a decision together and feel good about it. ****** For themselves, people in loving relationships want to be loved and they want to feel loved by each other. For their relationship to be a loving relationship, they need to remain aware of and attentive to each other's needs and wants. And sometimes what people need is to learn that they can’t always have what they want.
Chapter Nine
EXPECTATIONS AND DEPENDENCE “Okay, I can see that you are all upset because I have chosen to spend my whole vacation week this winter in Colorado skiing with my brother and the guys. But the only reason why you are upset is because you expected me to spend this vacation week with you. I never said that I would stay here with you, did I?” “No,” she replied, “but you didn’t mention this skiing thing with your brother and the guys until now – four days from when you’ll be leaving!”
S
ound familiar? Interesting, isn’t it, how many times we have difficulties in our relationships because of unexpressed, unexplored and unattended to expectations. As you may have already noticed, considerations of expectations are addressed directly and indirectly throughout this book. The reason for this is simple – expectations are critical aspects of loving relationships. In this chapter, we will look at how issues related to expectations can be destructive to a loving relationship, as well as at some strategies that can prevent and/or ameliorate expectations-related difficulties.
WHAT ARE YOUR EXPECTATIONS What is an expectation? This may seem like a silly question – after all, we all know what we mean when we say we expect
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something. If a child were to ask us, “What does expect mean?” we would likely say something like, “It means we believe something will happen or that someone will act in a certain way.” An expectation is, therefore, a prediction about the world or about the behavior of another person. As we have seen repeatedly throughout this book, people feel comfortable when they can predict what will happen to them. On the other hand, the phrases we use to express how we feel when we cannot predict the actions of others belie the discomfort we feel in these contexts, for example, “walking on eggshells.” Another important aspect of expectations is whether or not both members of a couple accept one another’s beliefs or predictions about how things should be or about how others should act towards us. The healthiest loving relationships are those in which: (1) our expectations about our partner are typically met; and (2) we look forward to the expected behavior (or at least accept it as being reasonable). On the other hand, when our expectations of our partner are not met (or in our view his or her behavior is unreasonable), we say the other person has “violated” our expectations of them – a strong and significant choice of words indeed. Both of these important aspects of expectations and the role they play in relationships are illustrated in the following example from Dr. Emener’s practice. Although José and Phyllis had just “celebrated their twentieth year of blissful marriage,” as they sarcastically described it, they both were very concerned about their relationship. “Compounding our difficulties,” José added, “is that our son is going to a very expensive college and our daughter is in an expensive private high school. And, of course, she has to have a car to get back and forth from school everyday.” Their financial difficulties fueled many of their frustrations. For example, José said to Phyllis, “Why do you have to have a car? I have a car – I go to work everyday. Marsella has a car – she goes to school everyday. But you – you’re home everyday. Where do you go? To the mall!” “If you can buy her a car, then you can buy me a car!” Phyllis heatedly replied. During their first session, Dr. Emener suggested that
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they try to more clearly understand their frustrations. Toward the end of the session, he said to them, “Between now and our next session, I would like each of you to make three lists: 1. a list of those things about your own life that are frustrating for you; 2. a list of those things about your husband’s/wife’s life that are frustrating for you; and 3. a list of those things about your relationship that are frustrating for you.” They both agreed to this and when they came back two weeks later, the three reviewed their lists. As they discussed their lists, an interesting interaction-effect emerged – that is, some of Phyllis’ and some of José’s frustrations were interrelated. Some of the frustrations Phyllis listed and talked about were: My life is very boring. It’s frustrating to be home alone all day. It seems like I spend most of my time waiting for Marsella and José to come home. And then it seems that whenever the phone rings, it’s José telling me that he has to work late again. ‘I have to meet with a client,’ he’s always telling me. And now with no more rooms to add on to the house and the kids being able to take care of themselves, you’d think that the two of us would be able to spend more time together. Nice vacations. Long weekends. You know what I mean.
Some of the frustrations José listed and talked about were: As a CPA I make good money with my company. But I put in forty to fifty hours a week for them too! Then, with all of the expenses we have, I also work for some doctors and lawyers on a consulting basis. So I generally work fifty to sixty hours a week, including nights and weekends. Believe me, there are many other things I would rather be doing with my time, and I'm not getting any younger either! But every time we need more money for something,
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After listening to each of them, Bill then said, “Phyllis, it sounds like your life, your husband and your relationship with José are not meeting your expectations. Your lifestyle, José’s lifestyle and your marital lifestyle are nowhere near what you thought they would be by now. Likewise, José, the same kinds of things seem to hold true for you. With their body language, both of them indicated that Bill had heard them and understood them. “How can you fix this?” he then asked them. “What could you do about the way things are?” Almost instantly, José blurted out, “She could just go back to work like I have been telling her for the past ten years!” Dr. Emener quickly interrupted him and said, “ José, what I asked each of you to do was to think about what you could do, not what you think the other could do.” Later in the session, Phyllis intimated that she would consider going back to work, but quickly offered that she was scared. “I haven't worked in twenty years. They all use computers now and...” Issues of control as well as Phyllis’ fear of failure received considerable attention during their ensuing conversations. When they left, nonetheless, Bill felt confident that each of them had a clearer understanding of their own as well as each other’s expectations of themselves, each other and their relationship. They stated that their final session had to be an evening appointment, “since Phyllis was working full-time as a secretary/office manager for a local dentist.” They also said that their relationship “had improved one-hundred percent.” Interestingly, José expressed that he felt good about having cut back on his evening and weekend work. “It is really ironic,” Phyllis said, “that we both have had very similar expectations. Figuring out how to get unstuck, stopping the
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‘blame-it-on-the-other-person game’ and actually changing some things were the hard parts. Right, Babe?” José smiled at her and said, “Yep!” Then, reaching for her hand, he turned to me and said, “We’re saving for a sailboat, too. And we’re gonna name it, “Our Expectations.” There is a very important lesson we can learn from Phyllis and José’s experience: it can be very helpful for you and your loved one if, on occasion, you make time to share your expectations of your own lives, each other’s lives and your relationship. Knowing to what extent your expectations are, or are not, being met, as well as to what extent your expectations are realistic and attainable, also can be extremely helpful.
LET OTHERS KNOW WHAT YOU EXPECT “I’ve been in five other relationships over the past eight years, and now this one is going sour. Can you believe that... and now this one...,” said Bonnie with a not-so-funny laugh. “Maybe I just have the knack for picking insensitive losers. I tried real hard with each of them too,” she added as tears began to appear. As she and Dr. Emener further discussed her previous significant-other relationships with men, a pattern began to become more and more evident. “Bonnie,” Dr. Emener said, “as I have been listening to you talk about each of these relationships, it seems that each of them followed a pattern: (1) you would begin to feel comfortable with the man and the relationship; (2) as time would go on, you would become a little scared that it wouldn’t last or that he’d leave you; (3) you then would spend a lot of energy being sure you accurately knew what he was expecting of you and your relationship with him; (4) then you would work as hard as you could to be sure you met or exceeded his expectations of you and your relationship; (5) you would hold back any indications of what you expected of him or your relationship for fear he might get upset if he disappointed you; and then, (6) one morning you would wake up and say to yourself, ‘Who cares about
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me? This self-centered so-and-so never attends to my expectations – he just doesn’t care about me!’ so then, (7) you’d confront him with his inadequacies and his inattentive attitude toward you and your expectations, and end the relationship.” After a long stare out of the window, Bonnie turned and said, “Maybe that’s why I’ve actually been more angry at myself then I have been at them. My sister suggested to me that I basically was setting them up to fail so that I could legitimatize ending the relationships. Maybe, in all actuality, I was the one who was chickening out. Maybe I was just not ready to deal with commitment.” Over the course of the next few sessions, they focused their therapy work on her fear of intimacy, her fear of abandonment and her fear of commitment. At one point, nonetheless, she did say, “You know, the sum of all of this is rather simple. It just makes sense. If you want another person to be sensitive and responsive to your expectations of them and your relationship, then tell them what your expectations are. And if you can’t do that, then maybe you’re the one with the problem.” “Yes, Bonnie, sometimes that’s true,” Dr. Emener replied. “That’s what seems to have been your experience.” Needless to say, over the three months that Bill was working with Bonnie, she learned a lot about herself. Letting your significant other know what your expectations are, is an important aspect of a loving relationship. Furthermore, we have always felt that: One of my expectations of you is that you would help me to know and appreciate your expectations of yourself, of me and of our relationship.
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SOCIAL SANCTIONING Naomi, a thirty-two-year-old secretary at an auto body repair shop, came to see Dr. Emener because she was “feeling anxious, nervous and generally uptight” about her relationship with Justin. As a co-owner of a large local bowling alley and active member of numerous community groups, Justin “was understandably busy all the time and had limited opportunities to spend time” with Naomi or with her and her thirteen-year-old son, Robbi. Justin’s three grown children from his previous marriage lived in the area, and they “took up a lot of his time as well.” Naomi expressed repeatedly how much she and Justin loved each other and that she expected that wedding plans “unquestionably were in the picture.” She said, however, “Yes, I love Justin very much. But for reasons I don’t understand, sometimes I just don’t feel right about our relationship.” As Naomi continued to disclose more about herself, Justin and their relationship, she shared what were for her some very disturbing experiences and considerations. For example, she said, “Justin divorced his wife two and a half years ago and we’ve been going together for a little over a year now. He keeps telling me that his divorce from his wife was very difficult for his children and he feared that if they knew the seriousness of our relationship it would be doubly difficult for them. He always says, ‘I don’t want to hurt them,’ and I respect that. However, at Christmas time I was only able to go over to his place when his kids wouldn’t be there. And last month he insisted that I not go to his oldest daughter’s wedding. That really stung. Even my mother and father are always asking me, ‘Why doesn’t he ever take you with him to his business functions or his family get-togethers?’ Just the other day Robbi said to me, ‘Your relationship with Justin sometimes just doesn’t seem real.’ I don’t know what to make of it. I know he loves me. But even though he always seems to have very good reasons for not including me in other parts of his life, I still can’t seem to feel right about it. Sometimes it feels like it’s more like an affair and I’m the other woman.”
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Dr. Emener said to her, “It sounds to me that you see yourself as being apart from Justin’s life instead of being a part of his life.” She cried. Some people have higher needs for social sanctioning of their relationships than others. Obviously, Naomi’s was much higher than Justin’s. She wanted their relationship to be shared and accepted by family members, co-workers and community friends in both of their lives, not just hers. “In his world it’s Justin, who dates a lady named Naomi, and in my world it’s Justin and Naomi who date.” We don’t know what Naomi did or whatever happened to her relationship with Justin. She never returned or called back. Nonetheless, we thank her for reminding us that it is important for us to be appreciative of the extent to which the social sanctioning of our loving relationship is important, not only to our family and friends, but especially to us as well.
CO-, IN-, AND INTER-DEPENDENCE Melody Beattie, an author who spent much of her career associated with the famous Hazelden Clinic (the same place where James Frey spent his time in the controversial bestseller, A Million Little Pieces), is most closely associated with the concept of “codependence.” To be codependent is to be unable to maintain a stable and healthy sense of independence and to exhibit excessive and usually inappropriate caring for those who depend on you. According to Beattie, the codependent is one side of a relationship between mutually needy people. The dependent – the needy person on the other side of this relationship – may have emotional, physical, financial difficulties, or addictions they seemingly are unable to surmount. It is understandably noble to want to help others in need. But the codependent person is not trying to help the dependent other person become self sufficient or healthy (even though he or she may be doing it at a subconscious or preconscious level). Rather, he or she exhibits behavior that perpetuates the dependent person’s condition
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by controlling, pitying, making excuses for, or taking other actions to ensure that the needy person remains dependent on them. This pattern of interaction is rooted in the codependent person’s own need to feel needed and the fear of doing anything that would change the relationship dynamic of continuing dependency. One of the major themes of this book is that in healthy loving relationships both individuals experience an enhanced sense of self and an enriched sense of self-efficacy. Do not confuse self-efficacy with self-esteem (the former is the belief that one can be successful and independent). Self-efficacy is an unconditional self-rating that does not depend on the views of others or of specific instances of success or failure. In unhealthy loving relationships either one or both individuals’ senses of self and self-worth are contingent upon the other person and/or the relationship. In other words, the critical question to ask yourself is: “To what extent is my sense of me and my self-worth a function of him (or her) and/or our relationship?” If your answer is a “very much so” kind of answer, there is a good chance that you may have an unhealthy relationship that could be considered a dependent or codependent one. In such a relationship, your self-esteem relies on the other person’s support and can vanish in a heartbeat. On the other hand, if your answer is a “not necessarily” kind of answer, there is a good chance that you may have a healthy relationship that could be considered to be an interdependent relationship in which conditional self-esteem is replaced with an inner, independent and persisting sense of self-efficacy. Therefore, if you ask the question “What’s the difference between an unhealthy dependent or codependent relationship and a healthy interdependent relationship?” the answer is that it is the extent to which one’s sense of self and self-worth is contingent upon the other person and/or the relationship. Another way to say this is that it is a relationship in which each partner’s sense of self is characterized by enduring and independent self-efficacy rather than a sense of self-esteem that depends on your partner’s acceptance of you at any given moment.
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This distinction is a very important one, and deserves further exploration. For example, one of Dr. Emener’s clients, Evelyn, said, “Without Tommy and without my marriage with him, I would be nothing. I am Tommy’s wife, Mrs. Thompson. That’s all that matters. Dr. Emener leaned toward her and in a soft voice said, “Okay. I hear you. But where’s Evelyn?” She stared out the window in silence. When the tears began rolling down her cheeks, he knew their work had begun. The six-month psychological voyage that followed indeed was difficult for Mrs. Thompson. Fortunately, for her, it was a journey she risked taking. She didn’t know exactly where she was going or where she or she and Tommy eventually would wind up. The important thing for her, however, was that she found Evelyn along the way. Common to the differences between unhealthy dependent and codependent relationships and healthy interdependent relationships, are the respectively unique considerations of control, awareness, extent of invasion of the other person’s life, associated feelings and types of one’s actions. In the following, we will briefly explore these five considerations within the two categories of (1) unhealthy dependent and codependent relationships and (2) healthy interdependent loving relationships. The discussions highlight how each of these five considerations is differentially pertinent within each of the two types of relationships. Dependent and Codependent Loving Relationships
1. Control. The purpose of control is to manipulate the other person and/or the relationship exclusively for one’s own benefit – for one’s own sense of self and self-worth. This means that this sense of self-worth is contingent on the other person’s behavior and therefore conditional. It is not selfefficacious. 2. Awareness. There is very little awareness of one’s own real self because the primary goal tends to be the avoidance of
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self. Awareness is focused on the extent to which one is succeeding at avoiding one’s sense of self. 3. Invasion. The dependent or codependent individual continually is directly and indirectly invading the other person’s life (e.g., by being evasive or dominating). 4. Associated Feelings. In dependent and codependent relationships, one or both individuals tend to struggle frequently with feelings of fear, shame, anger, guilt and exhaustion. 5. Types of Actions. One or both individuals tend to engage in aggressive, relationship-threatening, and codependent or enabling types of behaviors. Interdependent Loving Relationships
1. Control. The healthy setting of negotiated boundaries, designed simply to protect one’s sense of self, are established to enhance one’s sense of self and not to be destructive to the other person and/or the relationship. 2. Awareness. The individual is keenly aware of his or her sense of self, the other person’s sense of self, and the nature of their relationship and how it interfaces with their senses of self and self-worth. 3. Invasion. There is no sense of invasion of the other person; both individuals and the relationship complement each person’s lives. 4. Associated Feelings. Although there may be some occasional discomfort, each individual typically is comfortable with himself or herself as well as with their relationship. 5. Types of Actions. Each individual tends to be appropriately assertive with each other, dependence tends to be healthy dependence (e.g., “I will do the grocery shopping this week since your ankle is sprained so badly” versus “I will do the grocery shopping this week [because I need you to feel guilty
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It seems fitting for us to assume that most readers of this book would easily be able to understand and identify with what an unhealthy dependent or codependent relationship is. It could be argued that most relationships, from time to time, experience some aspects of unhealthy dependency or codependency. In many instances when these types of issues or difficulties develop, couples will make accommodations and adjustments in order to ameliorate and/or remedy the problems associated with them. Some readers may wonder, nonetheless, “What is an interdependent loving relationship?” The following will address important aspects of an interdependent loving relationship. First, it is a safe assumption that most people have their own quirks and idiosyncrasies. We all seem to have our own little uniquenesses and peculiarities. Secondly, if this is in fact true, then “How can two people, who are not perfect, who are peculiar in their own ways and who in many meaningful ways simply are different, maintain a loving relationship?” To answer this, we will share the experiences of Bob and Arlene with you. Bob and Arlene married “later in life.” Bob was forty-six-yearsold and Arlene was forty-four. For both of them it was their second marriage, and they each had two grown children from their first marriages. Bob, a stockbroker, typically was at his office by sevenfifteen each morning and usually left for home around four every afternoon. Bob liked to get up early, jog a mile or two, have his coffee while reading The Wall Street Journal, and then set off for his fifteenminute drive to work. When he got home, he liked to go to the golf course or tinker around the yard, have a relatively early dinner, and be in bed by around ten. Arlene was an attorney who sometimes had to meet with clients into the early evening, she preferred eating dinner late, “did her best work on the computer at home late into the night,” and slept in until around eight each morning. As long as she was at her desk by nine-thirty she was able to get her work accomplished
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and not get into trouble with her boss. Pretty clear, isn’t it? During the week, Bob and Arlene had two different lifestyles. They bought a small lot and had a house built “the way they wanted it.” The front foyer, living room, kitchen, dining area and screened porch in the back were rather standard. However, to the right was a master bedroom suite complete with a sitting area, a computer, built-in bookshelves, a TV and recliner chair, a large walk-in closet and a full bathroom. To the left was another master bedroom suite – a replica of the other one. One was Bob’s and one was Arlene’s. One time Bob said to Dr. Emener, “Our weekends are ours – we spend our weekends together and they’re usually great! During the week, however, we probably only sleep together one or two nights. Our preferred occupational lifestyles are so different. We always feel connected, that’s not an issue for us. We just value and respect each other’s differences. She’s a professional woman who needs her space and the opportunity to do her thing her own way. I have my space. It’s really comfortable for us. We love it. We love each other.” Arlene added, “Yeah, sometimes we even leave little love notes on each other’s answering machines during the day.” To have an interdependent loving relationship, a couple does not have to have a custom-built home. An interdependent loving relationship is not a relationship of the rich. It transcends age, education and socio-economic status. It is a mindset. What people in an interdependent loving relationship minimally need, however, are: (1) an operationalized genuine respect for, and sincere valuing of, each other’s individual differences and preferences; (2) a level of comfortableness with allowing each other the freedom they each value and want; and (3) a high level of trust in themselves, each other and their relationship so that they do not feel threatened by each other’s independence. We know them well, and can assure you that there is nothing dependent or codependent about Bob and Arlene or their relationship. As you explore the differences among these five considerations (control, awareness, invasion, associated feelings, and types of actions) as they tend to be associated with dependent, codependent
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and interdependent relationships, it will be helpful to remember that the critical, operative variable is how your relationship with your loved one interfaces with your and his or her sense of self and selfworth. As Evelyn, once said to Dr. Emener, “I have been so focused on Tommy and our relationship that I have forgotten who I am.” If we are offering any suggestion here, it is: “Try not to let that happen to you!” ****** One thing that I expect of you is that you will respect, value and honor my expectations of myself, of you and of our relationship. The other is that you expect the same of me.
Chapter Ten
BOUNDARIES AND CONTROL
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n one of the case files from Chapter Seven of our companion book, My Loving Relationships, when Barry told his girlfriend, Gladys, that he was trying to be less codependently attentive to and responsive to others in his life, and trying to do a better job of attending to and taking care of himself, she said to him, “You do not have to give up you in order to be loved by me.” What Gladys was communicating to Barry was an application of an important philosophical approach to their relationship: (1) I will be responsible for taking care of me; (2) you will be responsible for taking care of you; and (3) we can be responsible for us. By doing these three things we can enjoy a loving, nurturing and meaningful relationship. In effect, this encompasses the importance of discussing, negotiating, establishing and honoring boundaries and controls in loving relationships. Boundaries are the limits of how far you can go and remain comfortable with yourself. Boundaries define the “space” in which a given individual is not invited or welcomed at a given time. Controls are those things you do to assure that you stay within your boundaries and assure that other people do not violate your comfort zone.
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If, for example, a woman is invited out to dinner by a gentleman whom she does not know very well, she may not feel comfortable with his picking her up and knowing where she lives – at least not at the present time. Her boundaries, therefore, are that she would feel comfortable joining him for dinner, but at this point nothing more than that. A reasonable control for her to impose would be to reply with, “Yes, I would enjoy joining you for dinner. Tell me what restaurant you have in mind and at what time, and I will meet you there.” If he is an understanding gentleman, he would recognize and respect her control, honor it and not violate her boundaries. It is very difficult to enjoy a relationship while feeling uncomfortable with, or about, yourself. As we postulated earlier, “The best indication of the nature of our relationship is how I feel about myself in your presence.” Remaining in touch with your feelings, knowing your boundaries (the limits of your comfort zone) and establishing functional controls that sustain your boundaries are necessary ingredients for each individual in a loving relationship. In this chapter we will look at some of the experiences of individuals who have avoided their individual and/or each other’s boundaries, failed to employ functional controls, and at times violated each other’s boundaries and controls. We will also look at what they did to remedy or improve their situations.
VALUES: FOUNDATIONS FOR BOUNDARIES Practically speaking, everyone has had his or her boundaries breached at some time. The result is never without some consequence, and it is usually negative. What is odd about this fact is that boundary conditions are rarely openly discussed. Rather, two individuals entering a relationship typically discover through ongoing interactions what the other person’s unstated or tacit boundaries are. This type of interaction is often referred to as a “dance.” Learning another’s boundaries without being told what they are and without
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violating them too seriously, is an acquired social interaction skill set that in many ways is best described as an art form. For example, Dr. Emener met with Glen and Jennifer, who had just celebrated their first wedding anniversary, because they were “constantly arguing and fighting over unimportant things.” Moreover, they were becoming deeply concerned about their arguments because they were starting to harbor resentments toward each other. When Dr. Emener asked them to give an example or two of some of the things they were arguing about and beginning to feel resentful about, Glen said, “Last Friday night, when I was trying to do some work in the garage, I told Jennifer that I could not find my vacuum sander. She replied that a few days before she lent it to one of our neighbors. Knowing how much that vacuum sander had cost, how important it is to me and that my neighbor is the kind of person who has no respect for tools, I went ballistic!” At that point, Jennifer said, “Well Glen, three weeks ago I came home only to find that you had lent my new blender to his wife – how do you think I felt about that!” It did not take long to realize that Glen and Jennifer were not understanding, appreciating and respecting each other’s values, specifically in these instances with regard to their “tools.” Moreover, as is so often the case, they had not discussed the establishment of boundaries and controls in order to avoid disrespecting and not honoring each other’s values. Toward the end of the session, Dr. Emener drew a chart for them similar to the one in Figure 10.1. He suggested that they could look at an individual’s values from four different perspectives: 1. 2. 3. 4.
Those that relate to unacceptable behaviors or considerations; Those that are negotiable; Those that are acceptable; and, Those that are preferable.
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Figure 10.1. Establishing Values in a Loving Relationship.
Dr. Emener then asked them to think about some of their basic values that would relate to the four categories. Glen looked at the chart and immediately said, “No drugs! That would be unacceptable. As far as I am concerned, it would be totally wrong for either me or Jennifer to ever get involved with illegal drugs.” Jennifer quickly agreed with Glen’s value statement and therefore “no drugs” was added to the chart. Jennifer then said, “Based on my values, I would be pleased if Glen and I would negotiate our joint vacation plans. For example, I would be annoyed if he were to make vacation plans for us without discussing them with me first.” Glen agreed. Therefore, “vacation plans” was added to the chart. Glen, pointing to the third column, said, “It would be acceptable to me if either Jennifer or I could spend up to fifty dollars of our money without our having discussed it or talked about it first.” Jennifer agreed, so they added that value statement to the chart.
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Jennifer pointed to the fourth column and said, “Each of us has a work schedule and tends to do his or her own thing in the evenings during the week. However, it is my preference that the two of us discuss any weekend plans and activities before agreeing to anything or making any specific plans.” Noting Glen’s agreement, Dr. Emener added that value statement to the chart. Before they left his office, Dr. Emener invited them to accept a homework assignment of discussing more of their individual values and adding them to the chart in one of the four columns. Their enthusiasm for the assignment was captured in Glen’s statement, “I think this is something that would be very important for us. I look forward to it!” When they arrived for the next session, they brought six additional pages of the chart. As they reviewed and discussed their value statements, the couple shared that they were both tremendously surprised to realize the extent to which they had not been appreciative or understanding of, and basically had been violating, each other’s values. As Jennifer said, “I simply never knew there were so many little things that I was doing that were so disturbing to Glen. But now that I know what his values are, I am in a better position not to upset him or hurt him.” In continuing work with Glen and Jennifer, the three identified some controls the two of them were able to agree upon that would protect their basic individual and collective values. These two processes were very valuable to them and their relationship. For example, with a big smile on his face, Glen said, “The other night when I came home from work, one of my other neighbors walked over and told me that he had asked Jennifer if he could borrow my lawnmower and that she told him she would prefer that he discuss it with me.” After putting gas in the mower and taking it over to him, I immediately went into the house and gave Jennifer a big hug. That was cool!” In a very soft voice, Jennifer added, “One of the things I am realizing, Dr. Emener, is that I am able to demonstrate my love for
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Glen not only by the things I do, but also, and sometimes more importantly, by the things I don’t do.” This example shows the importance of “the dance of boundary discovery.” When it breaks down or is ignored, people feel violated and angry, and the partner often has no idea why. Taking the time to verbalize and lay out the rules and boundary conditions that each member of a relationship desires to maintain as personal space, is a simple but very important step in fixing such issues before they cause irreparable damage to the relationship.
NEGOTIATING BOUNDARIES AND LIMITS Abbie and Ken, who had been going steady for two months, said they “really liked each other a lot but were continuing to do things that tremendously annoyed each other.” After some brief discussion during their first session, Ken said, “I have the feeling that we are going to have to do something about our relationship soon! I really like Abbie a lot, and I feel that she has strong feelings toward me as well. If we are going to have any kind of future, however, we are going to have to initiate some damage control mechanisms right away!” In view of their goal of improving their relationship and make some necessary adjustments, Dr. Emener suggested that they discuss three sets of boundaries and limits: 1. Do’s; 2. O.K.’s; and, 3. Don’ts. Utilizing examples from their expressed frustrations with each other, Bill offered them the three following examples of these categories of boundaries and limits: “Do, let me know if you’ll be late when we are planning to go somewhere,” “It is O.K. for you to go out with your buddies after work during the week without clearing it with
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me, as long as we have not made any previous plans,” and, “During the week, don’t call me after eleven o’clock at night.” As Dr. Emener continued to work with Abbie and Ken, on numerous occasions they shared with him that it was very helpful for them to discuss and negotiate their three areas of boundaries and limits. As Abbie poignantly stated, “When we first started seeing you, we were doing many things that were extremely annoying and bothersome to each other. The mere fact that we stopped doing such things was noticeably and appreciably helpful right from the beginning.”
ONLY ONE “SHOULD” As a result of their escalating marital problems, Joy and her husband decided to separate for some time. When she came to see Dr. Emener, she said that her husband had moved into a one-bedroom apartment and she was continuing to live in the house. She also mentioned that she and her husband were planning to come in together for some marital counseling, but he unexpectedly had to go out of town the day their first appointment had been scheduled for. She decided to come by herself, however, “just to have a chance to meet the therapist and for the two to have a chance to talk.” Among some of the frustrations that Joy expressed were, “Roger should call me before coming over to the house,” and “He should tell me when he has an out-of-town trip planned.” Dr. Emener suggested to Joy that they take a moment or two to discuss the extent to which she utilizes the word should. “Joy, the word should indicates an obligation, a duty, a propriety, a necessity and/or an expectation. Thus, when you believe and say that Roger should do something, you are basically suggesting that you assume: first, he knows your values, wants, desires, wishes, and preferences; secondly, he feels a sense of obligation, duty, propriety or charge to tell you what such things are; and thirdly, you assume he summarily agrees with your should(s).”
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Joy pondered that consideration for quite some time, and then said, “In other words, Dr. Emener, you are suggesting that my should statements may not necessarily be universal – especially when it comes to Roger.” Bill replied, “Yes Joy, that is exactly what I am suggesting. If, based on your values, you prefer that Roger call you before coming over, then maybe it would be important for you to tell him that instead of assuming he knows it, that he agrees to it and feels a sense of obligation to honor it.” Two weeks later, Bill had the pleasure of again meeting with Joy and meeting Roger for the first time. Joy had shared with Roger their conversation regarding shoulds and informed Dr. Emener that the two of them had had several discussions regarding their individual values, wants, desires, wishes and preferences with regard to how each of them behaved in their relationship. For example, Roger communicated that until Joy mentioned it to him, it had never crossed his mind to call her before going over to the house. This, interestingly, is typical for many couples. At that point, Joy said, “We have a suggestion for you with regard to your book: In a loving relationship, there is only one should – there ‘should be’ no shoulds.” Joy and Roger worked hard on eliminating “should” statements and interaction styles in their relationship. By eliminating them, they were able to improve many aspects of their relationship. We, your authors, have strong opinions about shoulds: 1. Should statements, whether tacit or stated, are by their very nature one-sided demands, and as such can be very troublesome in a loving relationship; and, 2. Discussing and negotiating individual values, wants, desires, wishes, preferences, boundaries and limits makes for a much more helpful and constructive approach to relationship management.
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FUNCTIONAL AND DYSFUNCTIONAL CONTROLS It is important to remember: Controls are those things you do to assure that you stay within your boundaries and assure that other people do not violate your comfort zone. However, not all controls are equally effective or, for that matter, acceptable. And some can be downright damaging to a relationship. A control is functional when it maintains an important boundary without negative consequences. Conversely, controls that upset the apple cart or destabilize the relationship are best viewed as dysfunctional and therefore inappropriate – often causing more harm than good. An example of these types of controls comes from the following couple from Bill Emener’s experience. When Steve and Cathy first came to see Bill, they had been married for approximately two years and “had some difficulties” in their relationship that needed “to be straightened out.” One of the helpful things they did was to take a look at the controls in their relationship. As he suspected, it was soon discovered that while some of the controls in their relationship were functional, others were dysfunctional. For example, Cathy said, “Since Steve is very good in handling money and balancing our checkbook, we have agreed that Steve is in charge of, and in control of, our checkbook. This is a good example of a functional control in our relationship.” As they looked at each other with big grins, Cathy continued “Believe me, Dr. Emener, whenever I get my hands on our checkbook, all kinds of bad things happen!” After some lighthearted laughter, Steve said, “We have realized that Cathy always felt an obligation to check things out with me before making any plans with her girlfriends during the week. We decided that for us this was a dysfunctional control because she felt it was an infringement on her freedom and I felt it was an added responsibility for me.” It indeed appears to be important for individuals in loving relationships to discuss, negotiate and set into place relationship controls that are functional – that is, ones that enhance, enrich and
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contribute to the quality of the relationship. If, however, a relationship control is not discussed or negotiated, or if it is undesirable, uncomfortable or constrictive for either individual, chances are that it will be a dysfunctional control. The more functional controls that two individuals have in their relationship, the better, more meaningful and more loving their relationship will tend to be.
ACTIVE AND PASSIVE CONTROL Although the term “control” implies active behavior, this is not always the case. Many people find that they can exert control over the behavior of their significant other by not doing something otherwise expected of them, or by other acts of omission. The former of these is called an active control, and the latter a passive control. The two approaches are not equal, however. Active controls are more obvious and, therefore, more likely to be negotiated and discussed. Passive controls can be misunderstood or worse, missed entirely. The resulting internalized resentments can have very negative effects on a relationship, as the next example demonstrates. Don and Shirley, who were engaged and planning to be married, had been living together for approximately two years prior to seeing Dr. Emener. From the outset, Shirley was very concerned with Don’s controlling behaviors. For example, she said, “Don, you always have to get your own way and will do whatever you have to do in order to get your own way – you will argue with me, you will pout, or you will treat me overly special. Sometimes I just feel so controlled by you.” As they continued to discuss various aspects of their relationship, however, they soon began to realize that both of them were controlling types of individuals. Bill sketched a chart similar to the one in Figure 10.2 and suggested to them that in a relationship people can exert control both actively and passively – “We can control people actively by ‘what we do,’ and we can control people passively by ‘what we don’t do’.” Don said, “Yes, I agree that I tend to be an active controller in our
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relationship. I do what I have to do to get what I want. Nonetheless, if there’s something that she wants, Shirley will, on occasion, withhold
Figure 10.2. Active and Passive Control.
love from me, withdraw or give me her famous silent treatment. The trouble is, because we so strongly want to enjoy a good relationship, we tend to give in to each other’s controls. And although it seems to work in the short run, in the long run we are beginning to resent each other for feeling so controlled by each other.” As time went on, Don and Shirley were able to identify more functional communication and negotiation styles in which they were able to more specifically, accurately and comfortably attend to each other in terms of what they wanted. They realized, moreover, that at times each of them would not always be able to get what he or she wanted. As their basic value sets were explored, they were able to put
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their “wants” in perspective and, on occasion, accept the fact that they might not always get what they want. For example, Don said, “My relationship with Shirley is more important than a weekend fishing trip. Arguing, pouting or manipulating, and thus messing up our relationship, is just not worth it.” It is important to remember that we are able to impose controlling behaviors on other people by what we do as well as by what we don’t do. As Shirley said, “Although both Don and I tend to be controllers, neither of us enjoys nor likes being controlled. Now that we are in more control of our relationship controls, we are enjoying our relationship much more!”
PERCEIVED CONTROL By this point in the book, our readers have undoubtedly come to appreciate the weight the authors place on people’s perceptions of reality rather than the reality itself. To paraphrase the famous football coach Vincent Lombardi, “Perception isn’t everything, it’s the only thing.” Given the normally tacit or unspoken nature of boundaries and controls, it should come as no surprise that in many relationships each partner’s perception of the other person’s behavior as controlling or not may differ markedly. Without sharing and discussing such perceptions, couples and relationships can quickly get into trouble, as the next example demonstrates. Adam and Beth met at a state teachers convention – both of them were high school teachers. They had been dating each other for approximately three months when they came to see Dr. Emener. Distance indeed was a difficulty in their relationship; they both worked and lived in separate towns that were approximately fortyfive miles apart. Adam appeared to be a sensitive, attentive and somewhat overprotective type of individual. Beth, who had been in an abusive relationship for about two years prior to dating Adam, highly valued her freedom and felt a need to constantly protect it. Their need to address the boundaries and controls in their relationship was
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heightened by one of the experiences they shared. After Beth would drive to Adam’s apartment to spend an evening or a weekend with him, she would pack up her car and head off for her trip back home. On a number of such occasions, about one hour after Beth left, Adam would call her apartment to see if she got home safely. If she did not answer, he would leave a message. On her way home one Sunday afternoon, Beth decided to stop by her sister’s house for a brief visit. She arrived at her apartment about three and one-half hours after she had left Adam’s. There were three messages on her machine from Adam indicating that he was worried about her and would appreciate a call from her to know that she had arrived home safely. She called Adam and yelled at him for not trusting her. Thus, while Adam was genuinely worried, and in his mind was being “very loving and thoughtful,” after Beth yelled at him he felt hurt. On the other hand, and understandably, Beth felt that Adam was trying to control her – the way her ex-boyfriend had controlled her. The unfortunate, obvious irony for the two of them was that while Adam had intended to be caring and loving, Beth had perceived him to be controlling. In the process of discussing, negotiating and agreeing upon functional boundaries and controls, Adam and Beth agreed that when either of them would leave the other’s apartment to drive home: (1) they would call as soon as they arrived home; or, (2) they would call to let the other person know if they were not going directly home. As Adam poignantly said, “There is a big difference between wanting to know where Beth is because I love her and care about her, and simply wanting to control her.” With loving eyes, Beth looked at Adam and said, “Now that I know that, Honey, I am not feeling angry, controlled or threatened – I am feeling loved.”
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INTERNAL AND EXTERNAL CONTROL The term “locus of control” has a growing importance in modern psychology. First introduced nearly forty years ago, it has been the subject of much research related to education, social psychology, personality theory, clinical interventions and other important areas. It is said to be an attribution style that differs across individuals and even groups. Psychologists believe that those people who have a relatively stronger internal locus of control, who assume that they themselves play the greatest role in how their lives develop, are relatively healthier than those who believe they are controlled by outside forces. Indeed, the important concept of self-efficacy we examined in the previous chapter can be considered central to having a strong internal locus of control. With respect to boundaries and controls, the concept is very much apropos to loving relationships, as the following story of Karen and Fred shows. Karen, a forty-six-year-old program manager with a computer company, was experiencing many frustrations in her relationships with men. For example, she said, “For some reason, many of the men who I have tried dating over the last year or so tend to have difficulties believing me and trusting me when I say things to them.” Among the numerous issues that Karen and Dr. Emener addressed in their work together was her perceived sense of responsibility. Bill suggested that at times the controls in life can be either internal or external. Fittingly, the responsibility for any statements we make also can be either external or internal. To illustrate this point, he made a chart for her similar to the one in Figure 10.3. Pointing to the chart, Bill said, “Karen, if I say things like I have to, I must, I should, or I can’t, I am implying that I have no control over whatever it is that I am addressing. The control or freedom to choose is outside of me. On the other hand, if I say things to you like I want to, I chose to, I don’t want to, or I will not, I am implying that the control of doing or not doing something is within me and I am assuming the responsibility of doing or not doing it.”
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After thinking about what had been said to her, Karen replied, “In other words, Dr. Emener, the other evening when Fred invited me to go to dinner and I told him ‘I can’t,’ he may have been hearing me say, ‘I don’t want to go to dinner with you’?” “I don’t know. You said that you have a fairly good relationship with Fred. Ask him.”
Figure 10.3. Internal and External Control.
The next time Dr. Emener met with Karen, she told him that she had a lengthy talk with Fred and he confirmed her suspicion as to why he had perceived her to be a deceptive rather than an up-front and honest person. “He said to me, ‘You always seem to have some reason why you have to do something or why you can’t do something – you seem to rarely ever say what you want or what you don’t want’.” As Bill continued to work with Karen, she was able to identify and understand more clearly why she was struggling with taking
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responsibility for her decisions. Moreover, her manner of expressing herself also changed. That is, she began using fewer “I have to” or “I can’t” kinds of statements and more “I want to” and “I don’t want to” kinds of statements. One’s individual perceptions of the extent to which the controls in our life are within us (internal) or outside of us (external) are important considerations in our self-awareness. Our perceived locus of control and how it affects our language, our verbal and nonverbal expressions to others and our relationships with others, are indeed important aspects of loving relationships. ****** I need to be me and you need to be you. I don’t want to give up me to have you, and you don’t want to give up you to have me. By knowing our values, our boundary needs and our control needs, we can begin to enjoy a relationship. By negotiating, respecting and honoring the boundaries of our boundaries, we can control our relationship controls and enjoy a loving relationship.
Chapter Eleven
LIFESTYLES
L
oving relationships do not exist in a vacuum. Like dynamic overlapping circles, each person maintains a significant degree of individuality, including their other family members and friends, their jobs or careers, and some portion of their interests and hobbies. Where and when the two partners’ circles overlap, time is spent together, attention is directed toward one another and the relationship is the primary focus of being. To understand and appreciate the role played by lifestyles in loving relationships, it is helpful to consider each partner’s “outer circle” as well as the couple’s shared “inner circle.” Most people work hard at developing and maintaining loving relationships because of the value and meaning that the “inner circle” adds to their lives. Thus, among the reasons typically given by individuals who are in “good” relationships, is that “our relationship meaningfully adds to my quality of life.” However, healthy relationships also add value to each partner’s “outer circle.” Another commonly offered reason is “our relationship is a significant, integral factor in my own, individual lifestyle.” It should be apparent by now why we have included a chapter on lifestyles. Quality loving relationships impact and enhance both aspects of the partners’ lifestyles – the shared portion and the individual portion. To the degree that the relationship enhances both the individual’s and the couple’s shared lifestyle, the relationship will
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remain valued and desired by both parties. On the other hand, when there is a meaningful discrepancy between a couple’s shared time, attention and focus on being and each individual’s satisfaction with their individual lifestyle, it usually spells trouble for the relationship. The following case points this out quite succinctly. A number of years ago Dr. Emener was facilitating a marital enhancement group in which there were two couples associated with a professional athletic team. Both couples were in their first year of marriage, the two wives were not originally from the geographic area where they were living, and their husbands were in their rookie seasons. When asked the question, “How has your marriage affected your lifestyle?” the two wives offered responses indicating two distinctly different experiences: Jan: Since my marriage to Charles, I've been able to travel a lot, see new places and things, meet new people and develop new friendships, and enjoy an opportunity to see a lot of different parts of the United States. And there's always something going on: if it’s not an important upcoming ballgame, it's participating in a celebrity golf tournament. I just love it!” Sandy: Since my marriage to Rob, I've been on the phone a lot talking to my family and friends back home. And if Rob's not out of town, he's either in the gym or on the practice field. The apartment complex we live in is nice, but it's lonely. I love Rob – that’s for sure. But being married to a professional ballplayer sucks – and that’s for sure too!”
Two women, similar ages, both from small, midwestern towns and now living in a big city, recently married to and very much in love with their husbands, and both with similar lifestyle opportunities, yet both with extremely different experiences, perceptions and feelings regarding the effects of their marriages on their lifestyles. The example demonstrates two issues of importance regarding the connection between relationships and individual lifestyles. The first was already discussed – relationships are healthier to the extent that congruence exists between each partner and their level of satisfaction
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with their individual and shared lifestyles. The other equally important issue however, is that satisfaction with one’s lifestyle may have little to do with the specific nature of that lifestyle. Lifestyle needs and wants are unique, and vary greatly across individuals. Maintaining a healthy loving relationship requires that the couple be aware of, and make adjustments to, the lifestyle issues of their partners. With this introduction, the reader should easily see the purposes of this chapter. To focus on: (1) “individual lifestyles” in relation to, and compared with, “relationship lifestyles;” (2) “functional” versus “dysfunctional” lifestyles; (3) ways of influencing and controlling relationship lifestyles; (4) how communication styles can affect relationship lifestyles; and (5) how dishonesty, or “living a lie,” is pertinent to and affects individuals’ relationship lifestyles. Before going further, however, let’s take a look at a more succinct definition to the concept of “lifestyle.” From an overall perspective, a lifestyle is primarily a consistent and integrated way of life of an individual, typified by one’s activities, manners, attitudes, possessions, and senses of meaning and worth. As is illustrated by the examples in this chapter, a loving relationship directly and indirectly affects a person’s lifestyle, and vice versa. An advertisement for the Florida Lottery says, “Winning the Lottery will not change your life, just the way you live it.” A loving relationship, on the other hand, can change both your life and the way you live it (i.e., your lifestyle).
INDIVIDUAL LIFESTYLES AND RELATIONSHIP LIFESTYLES As we discussed, in the best relationships there is high congruence (or compatibility) between the lifestyle choices of each individual and of the couple as a unit. However, what happens when this congruence breaks down? The following example from Bill Emener’s case files provides an excellent example.
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Butch and Olivia came to see Bill to discuss problems they were having with their relationship. He will never forget how funny they were. When they expressed frustrations to each other, they would say things that were at times “cold and cruel,” yet at the same time extremely humorous. Butch, a twenty-eight-year-old, rough and tough, Paul Bunyantype outdoorsman and co-owner of a small trucking company would jump at any opportunity to go fishing or hunting, or simply to be outdoors. As he many times said, “There’s nothing more fun than to spend a whole day with my buddies on a good trout stream, with a six pack of beer iced down and a good chaw of tobacco!” Olivia, on the other hand, a twenty-six-year-old claims accountant for a local insurance company, sang in the church choir, taught Sunday school and was chairwoman of the church’s bake sales. She once quipped, “I don’t smoke, I don’t drink alcoholic beverages and I don’t curse – not like some people I know!” Butch once described Olivia by saying, “She is so conservative that she could make Rush Limbaugh look ludicrously liberal. If she gains any more weight, she’ll have to have her clothes custom tailored by Omar Khayyam [the tentmaker]. Her idea of an erotic experience is to eat two Fig Newtons at the same time!” Olivia quickly quipped, “Oh sure, and here we have Macho Mike, the walking Skoal commercial, who, if he had his own way, would buy all of his clothes out of an L.L. Bean catalog! If we were sitting in the living room with the screen door open and I said, ‘Honey, would you please get that fly out for me,’ he would go to the garage for his tackle box!” Although they had been married for slightly more than a year, their verbalizations of their frustrations already had become a traditional comedy routine for them and their friends. They said that at times they “could entertain friends for hours by cutting each other down.” They came to see Dr. Emener, however, because while their comedy routine was still funny to their friends, as far as they were concerned “it wasn’t funny anymore.”
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It was clear that the two of them lived two completely different individual lifestyles. Bill drew a diagram for them similar to the one in Figure 11.1 and suggested, “It appears to me that the two of you
Figure 11.1. Individual and Collective Lifestyles.
live rather uniquely different individual lifestyles, which tend to be inconsistent with each of your individual values. And understandably, another part of your difficulty is that you are having troubles developing a collective lifestyle in which you can enjoy doing things together. Olivia, you probably would not enjoy joining Butch on a beer-drinking, tobacco-chewing fishing trip; and Butch, you probably would not enjoy going with Olivia to a church picnic.” After looking at each other, they simultaneously said, “Yes, that’s right.” In addition to suggesting a self-help book for them to consider reading, Bill invited them to try to identify some activities both of them could do together and enjoy. When they left his office, they expressed a sense of excitement and felt optimistic about their ability to identify some mutually enjoyable activities. When Dr. Emener saw them for their second session, which was about three weeks later, Olivia said, “Well, there’s good news and there’s bad news. The good news is that we were able to identify
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some activities we could enjoy doing together, and we actually did some of them. For example, last Saturday we went to a company picnic with all of the folks Butch works with. By and large, it was fun. Then, this past Friday evening, we went out to dinner and to an early movie with two other couples. That wasn’t too bad either.” Butch then spoke up, “Yes, those particular things were okay. But I think our problems go deeper than that. When I am out in public or in a social situation with Olivia, I really feel that I cannot be myself. I always have the feeling that she’s watching every move I make and is thinking critical thoughts. I don’t know, but I just can’t be myself around her!” “Well, it’s the same for me, Butch,” Olivia interjected, “because I feel that you are watching me with a critical eye all the time as well.” As they talked further, it became clear that the two of them enjoyed living completely different types of individual lifestyles. While they were dating, engaged and newly married, they went way out of their way to accommodate each other and “act as if we were comfortable and having fun,” when in actuality they were not. Toward the end of that second session, Butch looked at Dr. Emener and asked, “Do you think we will ever be able to enjoy a collective lifestyle as husband and wife – doing things together and truly enjoying ourselves?” After momentarily pondering Butch’s question, Dr. Emener said, “I don't know, that’s a good question. That is something the two of you will have to work on and find out for yourselves.” Butch and Olivia canceled their next scheduled appointment and never returned. Bill left a message on their answering machine inviting them to call him and let him know how things were going, but never heard back from them. We wish that we could share with you what eventually happened with them. But we can’t – because we don’t know. Nonetheless, we can learn a very important lesson about loving relationships from Butch and Olivia. Whenever either of us meets two individuals who are contemplating the establishment of a long-term, committed loving relationship, we invite them to critically analyze the extent to which
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the two of them can enjoy a collective, relationship lifestyle. We suggest to them that if they are unable to enjoy a collective, relationship lifestyle together, it indeed may be very difficult for them to enjoy a long-term loving relationship. How each of us spends our individual time in life is important. And when we are in a loving relationship, how we spend our collective-, together-, relationshiptime is equally important.
FUNCTIONAL AND DYSFUNCTIONAL LIFESTYLES In the introduction to this chapter, we discussed the importance of maintaining compatibility between a couple’s shared lifestyle and each partner’s individual lifestyle, a concept we refer to as lifestyle congruence. It is hard to overestimate the importance of this aspect of relationships. When the demands of one or both partners’ separate lifestyles negatively impact the couple’s ability to enjoy a shared lifestyle, the relationship will suffer. The next example from our experiences demonstrates this quite succinctly. Dr. Emener’s first session with Julie and Terry was just before Christmas. Julie, an administrative secretary at a community college, worked nine to ten hours per day and assumed the primary responsibilities for taking care of their two children. Terry, a new car salesman, worked from ten to eleven hours per day and taught a night class in salesmanship one night a week. They told Bill that they had been having many frustrations in their marriage, and that one of their recent conversations had convinced them that they needed to see a counselor. When he noticed the two of them were almost laughing as they were looking at each other, Bill smiled and asked, “What’s so funny?” Julie looked at Dr. Emener and said, “About a week ago, Terry and I went to a Christmas party at my boss’ house. At one point during the evening, Terry went into the kitchen to fix himself another drink. When he was in the kitchen, a number of my co-workers at the college said to him, ‘Terry, you are a very lucky man. Julie is such a
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warm, fun-loving, pleasant and friendly person.’ Terry later told me that on his way back to the living room he thought to himself, ‘That’s not the bitch I know!’ And I guess to some extent that makes sense to me.” Terry then turned to Bill and said, “Yes, and two nights later we went to a Christmas party at my boss’ house. When Julie went to the punch bowl to fix herself another drink, some of the folks who I work with said to her, ‘You are such a lucky woman, Julie, because Terry is such a wonderful, fun-loving, friendly and enjoyable person.’ And on her way back to the living room, she thought to herself, ‘That’s not the son-of-a-bitch I know!’ And, I guess to some extent that makes sense to me too.” Bill invited them to talk more about their collective, day-to-day lifestyle. As he facilitated their analysis, Terry looked at Julie and said, “I think the problem is that we give our best to everyone else! All day long, I am being friendly and warm to everyone I meet; I have to – I’m a salesman. At the same time, you, the administrative secretary for a head honcho at the college, have to be warm and friendly to everyone you see all day long too. Then when you get home, you’re being the loving mother that you are to the boys. However, during the times we are alone together, either very early in the morning or very late in the evening, we are both either very tired or worn out from the day. Again, it just seems to me that we are giving our best to everyone else.” Bill looked at Terry and said, “Yes Terry, it surely does seem that way, doesn’t it?” Both Terry and Julie engaged in some reconfiguring and overhauling of their individual lifestyles so that they could spend more time “giving our best to each other.” What we can learn from Julie and Terry is somewhat simplistic, but very important: In the process of maintaining a loving relationship, it is very important for the two individuals to remain aware of their individual lifestyles so that their relationship lifestyle is functional – that it enhances their lives, is pleasant and enjoyable, and that when they are together they are giving each other their best. This is the essence of “lifestyle congruence.”
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CONTROL YOUR RELATIONSHIP LIFESTYLE The overlapping “inner circle” – the shared part we call the “relationship lifestyle” – not only must be congruent with the lifestyle of each individual, but also must be allowed to exist. Although this may sound obvious to the point of triviality, we have counseled many couples that, over the years, had let the shared portion of their lifestyle dwindle away to almost nothing. This too is a recipe for potentially serious relationship problems, including dissolution, if it is not properly attended to, as the next case history clearly demonstrates. Lynn and Sammie had been married for almost ten years, had two children, and were highly involved in their individual careers, but felt that they had been “drifting apart.” At an appropriate time during their first session with Dr. Emener, he asked them to describe their relationship lifestyle. Lynn responded very quickly, saying, “We don't have one!” As he listened to their description of their relationship lifestyle, it became clear that they spent very little time together because they didn’t have any time to spend together. For example, when asked, “When is the last time the two of you went away from the house for a whole day, together, without any other friends or family around, without any telephone calls to return, or without any specific tasks to accomplish?” they looked at each other and sadly muttered, “We can’t remember.” Bill suggested that it would be very important for them to initiate more control over their relationship lifestyle by trying to identify some activities that would “bring them together” on a daily basis, a weekly basis, a monthly basis and an annual basis. When they came back for their next session, they seemed to be much happier about their relationship lifestyle. Lynn said to Dr. Emener, “We have been doing exactly what we identified as some things that we desperately needed to do. For example, over the past three weeks, every night after the news is over, the two of us sit out on the porch and talk for at least fifteen minutes. We have made arrangements for the two of us to go to dinner together, without
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anyone else, once a week. We also have made arrangements for my parents to watch our children so that we can go away together for at least one day a month. And we have made a promise to each other that at least one time a year we will take a one-week vacation together – without anyone else with us.” As Sammie put his arm around Lynn and gently squeezed her into his body, he said, “And you know, Dr. Emener, the more I get to know this beautiful woman, the more I like her, the more I like being around her, and the more I love her!” When two individuals are actively involved in their careers and in the raising of their children, it is very easy for them to allow their relationship lifestyle to get out of control whereby they “never have any time for each other.” As Lynn so poignantly said, “We married each other about ten years ago because we enjoyed spending time together. Over the last two years, however, we simply allowed other things to get in our way and we haven’t been spending time together. It’s no wonder that we felt we were drifting apart!” From the look on Sammie’s face as he again lovingly hugged Lynn – only then with both arms – it was clear that the two of them had found a way of regaining control of their relationship lifestyle and were again enjoying their relationship.
COMMUNICATION STYLES Shared lifestyles include not only shared activities, but shared values and norms of behavior as well. One critical area in which we have seen couples slide into problems, is their communication styles – the manner by which the two individuals jointly express themselves and interpret the messages expressed by the other person. Not surprisingly, people differ with respect to communication style, and this can negatively impact relationship lifestyles. Counselors and psychologists often talk about The A-B-C’s of Communication. We can communicate with each other through our Affect (or feelings), through our Behaviors (or actions), and/or our
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Cognitions (or thoughts). For example, if you and your spouse were worried about one of your sons who was supposed to have been home an hour ago, you might begin shaking, getting fidgety and snapping back as a way of communicating your fear and concern. That would be an affective way of communicating. On the other hand, your spouse could simply pick up the telephone and call his friend and find out whether your son had left yet to return home. That would be a behavioral response. And lastly, one of you could look at the other, and from a cognitive or thought-processing perspective, say, “I wonder why he has not returned yet? I don’t understand this!” The following example shows how this can impact – and improve – a couple’s shared or relationship lifestyle. As Leonard and Theresa were talking with Dr. Emener, they eventually began discussing their communication styles. “It seems that we just can’t communicate with each other anymore,” said Leonard. Bill invited Leonard and Theresa to bear with him while he gave them a brief lecture on communication styles that included considerations pertinent to their specific relationship – basically the A-B-C’s. Dr. Emener sketched a diagram similar to the one in Figure 11.2. Then, pointing to the diagram, he said to them, “One of the things the two of you might want to do is to try to analyze the extent to which each of you individually expresses yourself, or communicates, in a cognitive style, an affective style, and/or a behavioral style.”
Figure 11.2. Communication Styles.
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Almost immediately, Leonard said, “I’m clearly a C-B-A.” Although Bill understood him, he asked him to explain specifically what he meant. “It makes sense,” he replied. “I’m an attorney. My primary way of dealing with the world is through thoughts and words. I am very cognitively oriented. My next way would probably be the behavioral style, and last but not least, I deal with feelings.” While looking at the Figure, Theresa said, “Oh that’s great, Len, I’m just the opposite! I’m an A-B-C person. My first thing is to deal with feelings. Then I deal with behavior, and if all else fails, I guess, I will talk from an intellectual or cognitive perspective.” Based on his observations of their interactions during the session, Bill suggested to them that their individual analyses were accurate. What was additionally difficult for Leonard and Theresa was that whenever they would discuss something that entailed disagreement, Len would try to overpower Theresa with his cognitive style (and by the way, he was a very intelligent and highly educated individual), and whenever Theresa wanted to neutralize Len, she would start crying or throw a temper tantrum, knowing he had difficulties dealing with feelings. Over the next two sessions with Leonard and Theresa, Bill assisted them in developing more functional communication styles that would help to prevent each of them from overemphasizing the communication style that was most comfortable and productive for each of them. For example, when Theresa would feel that Leonard was overwhelming her with his thoughts, she would say, “Okay, Len there you go again by bullying me with your brightness.” Likewise, if Theresa were to throw a temper tantrum or begin to cry, Len would say, “There you go again, Theresa, playing with my feelings to get your own way.” Obviously, these were not necessarily the best, verbalized communication signals for them to use for “calling” each other on an overuse of an individual communication style, but as time went on they were able to communicate much more effectively. Some people communicate to us that they love us by giving us a big hug and putting their head on our shoulder. Others communicate to us that they love us by saying, “I love you.” Others communicate to
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us that they love us by bringing over a stool so we can put our feet up and by fixing us a cup of tea when we are tired. There is nothing wrong with us using any of these three styles, as long as: (1) they are functional; (2) they communicate what we are feeling; and (3) the other person accurately hears and understands what we are feeling and trying to communicate. When an overemphasis on, or an overutilization of, one of these three styles becomes dysfunctional and/or prevents accurate communication, we get in trouble.
LIVING A LIE One of Eleanor’s primary difficulties in processing her plans to divorce her husband was that her “three children and parents were shocked.” At the age of forty-eight, after twenty-six years of marriage to Russell and about two months after their last child went off to college, Eleanor moved out and filed for divorce. From what she told Dr. Emener, Russell “was not fighting her” and it appeared that the divorce itself was going to be a rather amicable one. “The biggest thing for me to handle right now,” she said, “is that my children don’t believe me. They think I’m crazy. The other night, however, I had a conversation with Russell, and we decided that both of us would talk with our three children the next time there is an opportunity for the five of us to get together. The truth of the matter, Dr. Emener, is that for the last fifteen to twenty years, Russell and I lived a lie. About fifteen to twenty years ago we fell out of love but continued to act lovingly toward each other, continued to play our mommy and daddy roles, and continued to tell everyone that we were ‘doing wonderfully’ anytime anyone would ask how we were doing. As Russell admitted to me the other night, ‘We have enjoyed a beautiful, functional family, but for most of the time we have had an empty, meaningless and dysfunctional marriage’.” By and large, people tend to believe what they see and experience. Eleanor and Russell’s children, parents, family and friends saw and experienced Eleanor and Russell having a functional,
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loving relationship. The problem was, obviously, that their lifestyle – their shared social relationship lifestyle that they allowed everyone to see – was simply a lie. After having had the opportunity to learn from Eleanor and Russell’s experiences, we now will occasionally say to couples, “Okay, I believe I understand your relationship lifestyle. However, is the relationship lifestyle that you just described the one that everyone else sees? And is it true or is it a lie?” As Eleanor rather poignantly said, “When it comes to an individual’s relationship lifestyle, there is nothing wrong with living a lie as long as living a lie doesn’t bother you. For me, it eventually did. And as painful as it was to change things, I decided to be honest – with myself, with Russell and with my family.” As you analyze your individual and your relationship lifestyles, try to remain aware of the extent to which they are fabricated, falsified or “for show,” and/or authentic, genuine and “for real.” Then, you may want to ask yourself: “Is this what I want?” And if it isn’t, “What am I ready, willing and able to do about it?” ****** Our relationship directly and indirectly affects my lifestyle. Our relationship directly and indirectly affects your lifestyle. Our relationship, my lifestyle, and your lifestyle directly and indirectly affect our relationship lifestyle. And, conversely, our relationship lifestyle directly and indirectly affects our relationship.
Chapter Twelve
MONETARY AND EQUITY ISSUES
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he most common cause of disagreement between people in both new and established relationships is money, and it can cause fundamental problems if not addressed. In part, this reflects the reality that, for most people, their relationship to money determines so much else about their lives. The number of variables correlated with income level seems endless – from the average lifespan and most healthrelated measures, to years of education completed and even intelligence, to the chances for upward mobility, to the likelihood of criminality, and so on. For better or worse, as one’s income rises, often so does one’s status and sense of self worth. We live in a culture dominated by values linked to the ability to consume material goods and services (and to do so as conspicuously as possible), and consumerism requires income or wealth (accumulated money). Moreover, compared to other advanced societies, particularly European ones, the distribution of income and especially wealth in the United States is staggeringly uneven. Although the average income of Americans may be among the highest in the world, the disparity in incomes among individuals and socioeconomic strata is much greater here than in most other countries, even compared with our somewhat similar neighbor to the north, Canada. This reflects the fact that America has a tiny stratum of superrich families whose combined income and wealth is so great that it is nearly inconceivable.
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With respect to relationships, money is a factor from the outset. Today, most people enter into relationships with partners whose income level is similar to their own, whether or not it was a conscious decision. On the other hand, people have different attitudes toward money, often influenced by personal experiences and upbringing. When such attitudes differ significantly, problems often arise. Here are some of the most common signs that there may be trouble ahead: •
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Do you talk about money? The crux of money problems is often down to communication. You are unlikely to be able to deal with money problems unless you can both discuss your finances and your feelings about them. Do you like to be in control? Money can be very powerful, and if you like to be the controlling personality in the relationship it is easy to use money as a tool to gain and stay in control. This can be a real issue when one party earns much more than the other. Money issues frequently mask deeper underlying issues of control and power in a relationship. Is there a difference in levels of responsibility in your relationship? If one of you is irresponsible by habit and the other is more sensible, this may be reflected in your attitudes to finances. Do you have the same financial priorities? If you don’t have a spending or savings plan and have not agreed how much you can both spend after all the bills have been paid, this can create conflict. Has your attitude towards money been colored by your upbringing or a previous relationship? If your upbringing was burdened by financial worries, you may be afraid to spend money now. If you previously had a partner who was very careless with money and caused financial problems, you may be overly cautious.
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Are the issues really financial? Your issues may be more about unspoken aspirations for the future and the financial planning that goes with that.
MONEY People are uniquely different in how they view money. By and large, this is because people process problems and opportunities from different vantage points. Compounding this phenomenon is the precept that in many ways “opposites attract.” Thus, chances are that if you are married, one of you is good at working numbers (the “nerd”) and the other one isn’t (the “free spirit”). But that isn’t the real problem. The problem is when the nerd neglects the input of the free spirit or when the free spirit avoids participating in the financial dealings altogether – that’s when the problems become inevitable. We have to remember: marriage is a partnership. As the minister, priest or rabbi said, “And now you are ONE.” Fittingly, both parties need to be involved in the finances. Typically, separating the finances and splitting the bills is a bad idea. Listen up, nerds – don’t keep the finances all to yourself… don’t use your “power” to abuse the free spirit. On the other hand, free spirits – don’t just nod your head and say, “Yeah… that looks great, Honey.” You have a vote in the “budget committee meetings” too. Exercise your opportunity to give feedback, criticism and encouragement. Work on the budget together!
VALUES AND ATTITUDES Sometimes we bring our attitudes toward money into our relationship from the relationships from our past. We have to let go of what we did with our money in the past and work on the present situation and the future. This, nonetheless, may not be an easy task.
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Dr. Lambos recently saw a couple in their mid-forties, Kelly and Jim, who told him they needed help with trust issues. Kelly began with, “My first marriage was to a man I knew for only six months; he was in the Navy. He seemed perfect for me. But within a year, I found out he ran up over $10,000 in debt on my credit cards without telling me and hid the bills from me, and by time I filed for divorce, I also had to file for bankruptcy. It took me years to reestablish my good credit, and now I can’t allow anyone else to have any control over my finances.” Jim countered, “I’ve known about that since the beginning, Hon, and that’s why I agreed to separate bank accounts and credit cards. But you don’t trust me in many other ways either. If I stop at the store on the way home from work to pick up a few things without calling you first, you demand to know ‘where the hell I’ve been.’ If I have to work late, you call the office line every forty-five minutes to make sure I’m still there. I know you aren’t jealous of other women and you say that you believe I’m faithful to you, so what’s the deal?” Kelly began to cry as she said, “I just can’t let go of having been so violated by that man financially. And now I have trouble trusting everything else about men.” As Kelly and Jim’s experience illustrates, we often carry a problem from the past that dictates our behavior in the present. For example, if during our childhood we caused a loss of money by breaking expensive things or lost some money, we might be afraid to deal with money now because we are afraid that we will lose the money we are dealing with now. Not addressing the problem of our attitudes toward money (or the lack of it) is dealing with it in a bad way. It is very important to be able to differentiate and see if your attitudes toward money are based on facts or based on some feelings that you carry from the past. Most of the time our reaction toward disagreement on how to spend money or the way we deal with not having enough money, is not necessarily because of our current situation. Sometimes, as with Kelly, it is based on some baggage that we carry from our past.
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WORTH AND MEANING Money can have symbolic meaning. For example, some people use monetary problems as an excuse for the reason that their relationships are not working. We have to decide what is more important for us: the baggage that we carry or our relationship. Based on Dr. Lambos’ advice, Kelly and Jim entered into mediation to draft a postnuptial agreement that concerned not only money issues but behavioral and trust issues as well. The last time Dr. Lambos saw them they were doing much better. The reason for that particular visit was to get help with resolving an argument about in-law issues – the trust issue never came up. We want to be in control of how much we get, and for sure how much we pay others or how much we are supposed to spend. And remember, control also can emanate from fear of being controlled by somebody else. On the other hand, some couples, particularly younger ones, may be living paycheck to paycheck with very little in the way of savings or reserves. If family members or others are unavailable for help when an unexpected expense arises, it can add a great deal of stress to the relationship. Finally, if such stress continues over time, you can start identifying with the problem and then you yourself can become the problem. It is important to develop a positive attitude toward money because a negative attitude just keeps us stuck in one place. The goal should be to develop a positive attitude with integrity towards money. Sometimes a negative attitude comes from one of the partners who is critical and very judgmental of the other. Sometimes a negative attitude comes with a lot of aggression – sometimes passiveaggression. Active aggression is expressed by constantly criticizing the partner and showing one’s own negativity. Alternatively, a money issue may express itself when a partner constantly behaves as a victim and tries to present as a very positive personality. Being positive and judging the other partner negatively is mirroring one’s own negativity with a lot of sugar coating. A positive attitude toward money can be
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negative if it comes with making judgments or rigidly not accepting any other way. Voltaire said that he spent ninety percent of his life worrying about problems and disasters that never materialized. You are not going to change your partner. In all probability, a partner who is a spender will continue to be spender; fittingly, you need to make a plan on how to work it together. It’s no secret that couples argue. Studies have reported that arguing occurs once every two weeks on average. Most of these spats are temporary conflicts that can often be solved with an apology and a bit of sustained effort. But the arguments that last – the ones couples find hardest to resolve – frequently center around the almighty dollar. Interestingly, thirty-eight percent of men and women in a recent national Harris Interactive poll for Men, Love & Sex say that money is the number-one cause of marital strife. (And that’s well ahead of either of the distant-second hot-button subjects that cause friction: the division of household chores and the amount of sex in the relationship.) Needless to say, it makes dollars – and sense – for you to get on the same spreadsheet page with your significant other. Otherwise you can expect less sex and a lot more dirty dishes around the house… and who wants that?
EQUITABLE EQUITY Many money problems stem from the fact that couples often have different financial goals. For example, she wants granite countertops, he wants a flat screen. Or it comes from the lack of communication about what those goals are. For example, one person is in charge of all bills, say, and the two rarely talk about anything beyond the month-to-month expenses. At other times, it comes from the very major and basic stress of making sure you even have enough money to pay bills, have some fun, provide for the children, and avoid living under a bridge upon retirement (or before).
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As we have stated numerous times throughout this book, perception is a critical factor in loving relationships. Both partners view all situations differently, no matter how small such differences may be. Thus, as issues are discussed and negotiated, it is imperative that (1) both partners have an opportunity to express their perceptions of the issues; and (2) both partners’ perceptions are respected and reflected in final decisions. When this is accomplished, equitable equity is attainable. An example of how this can be realized comes from Dr. Emener’s case files. Rob and Teri, both in their mid-forties, had been married previously. Rob had a son from his previous marriage, and after dating for three years he and Teri got engaged. One month prior to coming in for their first session, Rob had sold his business and was unemployed. He was seeking leadership opportunities with local companies, but at the time was living off the sale of his business. Teri was a long-term regional manager at a utilities company with a good salary – probably higher than what Rob would start for when he returned to work. At the time, they were living together, splitting the rent on a townhouse, but planning to buy a home of their own after the wedding. Understandably, one of their rather daunting concerns involved their differential “current worth” and “potential earning power.” While they both were committed to each other and very optimistic about their impending marriage, they also had some concern about assuring that their individual estates would be protected and honor their individual long-term wishes with regard to Rob’s son and Teri’s nieces and nephews. At the end of their first session, Dr. Emener suggested some reading for them, recommended that they talk with an estate planner, and that prior to their next session with him they develop an amortization schedule that eventually would “balance out their collective assets.” Before continuing with Rob and Teri’s experience, we want to remind you of the importance of estate planning:
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William G. Emener and William A. Lambos Estate planning is the process of accumulating and disposing of an estate to maximize the goals of the estate owner. The various goals of estate planning include making sure the greatest amount of the estate passes to the estate owner’s intended beneficiaries , often including paying the least amount of taxes and avoiding or minimizing probate court, as well as providing for and designating guardians for minor children and planning for incapacity.
Among the many benefits of having a good estate plan are that it provides a sense of peace of mind for both partners and facilitates their attention to their relationship in the here and now. Three weeks later, Rob and Teri showed up for their next session – their last session – with an air of calm about them. They reported that they had read some excellent materials on financial planning and met with an estate planner who was assisting them with their wills and living wills, and setting up an irrevocable family trust. “That, in and of itself,” said Teri, “is very comforting.” Then while opening up a chart they had developed, Rob said, “And, Dr. Emener, we worked out and totally agree on an amortization schedule that will equitably respect our individual assets and eventually translate into an equal partnership.” Bill’s excitement for and with them was evident as he looked at the spreadsheet Rob unfolded. “We calculated our individual assets,” Rob continued, “and agreed that of our present total assets, mine are about four times as much as Teri’s. However, when we estimated my and Teri’s current and potential earning power, we agreed that over the next six years we’ll get to a fifty-fifty ratio. As you can see, when we get married three months from now and all of our assets are combined, eighty percent of the total will be mine and twenty percent will be Teri’s. But between now and our wedding, we both will be signing a prenuptial agreement that will amortize our assets as the percentages show: at the end of year one, it will be Rob 75% and Teri 25%; at the end of year two, it will be Rob 70% and Teri 30%; year three, Rob 65% and Teri 35%; year four, 60% and 40%, year five, 55% and 45%, and on our sixth wedding anniversary we will be totally equal – fifty-fifty.” Bill smiled.
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“Isn’t this great?” Rob then added as he reached for Teri’s hand. Bill’s smile widened. Teri kissed Rob’s hand, and then looked at Rob and said, “It’s wonderful.” The important outcome for Rob and Teri was that they both perceived their agreement as equitably equitable, it gave them a sense of peace of mind, and it freed them to focus on their relationship. This example brings up another important point: it is often worthwhile to seek the involvement of an expert when it comes to financial matters. This may be a certified financial planner, an accountant, an attorney, or a certified mediator. In Chapter Fifteen of this book, we will look at the issue of seeking professional help in more detail. For the time being, keep in mind that managing money is not a skill we are born with. It can be well worth the time (and money!) to consult such experts for purposes of financial planning or dispute resolution. In the meantime, here are some tips to keep you from going mental over money: 1. Understand your gift-dichotomy differences. One of you may go for the wow gift – the gift that impresses… the gift with the big monetary outlay. But as the 2007 Yankees taught us, a big monetary investment doesn’t always produce the best results. The other may go for creativity and thoughtfulness, which can sometimes be lost on those masters of the short attention span. To avoid conflict over gifts, one of you may need to understand that the odd, quirky presents truly express one’s heart; one of you may need to understand that some people deeply care, but their way of showing it might seem as though they’re substituting money for forethought. For some people, their way of showing genuine care involves a discussion with the clerk at the CVS pharmacy rather than the gem specialist at Tiffany’s. At the same time, be aware that when either member of a married couple makes a credit card charge, he or she is obligating both members of the marriage
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MONETARY AND EQUITY ISSUES THAT COUPLES IN LONG-TERM RELATIONSHIPS NEED TO PAY ATTENTION TO “I wish we had…” is a statement we frequently hear. Moreover, many times people “didn’t” because they didn’t think of it. Thus, we recommend that you and your partner review the following twenty-
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three issues that you may want to attend to now or plan to attend to at an appropriate time in the future: 1. Asset Allocation. The single most important thing a couple that wants to invest can do is – practice asset allocation. 2. Auto insurance. This can be a nightmare. It’s costly, confusing and unrewarding – until you need it. 3. Basics of Banking and Saving. Both partners need to be knowledgeable of the basics of banking and saving. 4. Basics of Investing. Discussions, plans and action are highly recommended –someday, “tomorrow” will come. 5. Buying a Car. Buying a car is like no other shopping experience. The choices can seem endless. Purchasing a car – together – is good practice in making joint decisions. 6. Buying a Home. Owning your own home (house or a condo) is part of the American Dream. But if you’re not prepared, buying it can be a nightmare. Learn as much as you can about home ownership – before you purchase one. 7. Children and Money. Up until they start earning a living, and sometimes well beyond that, children are apt to spend money like it grows on trees. It is important for parents to teach their children how to handle money responsibly – primarily by example. 8. Controlling Debt. Individually and collectively, you have to know when to hold debt… and when to fold it. 9. Employee Stock Options. More companies are providing stock options for a much broader group of employees. Wisely taking advantage of this can be tremendously helpful. 10. Estate Planning. Americans are in the midst of one of the greatest inter-generational transfers of wealth in history, yet few of us have done and planning for it. Together, learn how to do this… and do it. 11. Health insurance. Whether your employer provides you with a group medical plan or you need to buy coverage on the
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12.
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individual market, understanding how health insurance works is the best way to get your money’s worth. Hiring Financial Help. By reading and studying, learn what to keep in mind when seeking professionals to handle your financial planning, stock trading, insurance coverage and tax returns. Investing in Bonds. Bonds can provide a steady and reasonably secure income, while adding ballast to your portfolio. Just make sure you really understand what you’re buying. Home Insurance. Homeowners’ insurance can be a nightmare too. It’s costly, confusing, and unrewarding – until you have to use it. Be sure to have the coverage you need to have. Investing in Mutual Funds. It’s a jungle out there. Developing a simple and manageable portfolio is a recommended option to consider in your investment planning. Investing in Stocks. The stock market can be a great place to turn savings into wealth – or you can lose you shirt. Learn the fundamentals you need to invest wisely. Life Insurance. Life insurance is a critical part of financial planning and is a necessity for anyone with dependents who would be affected financially by your demise. Yet life insurance is one of the hardest financial products to understand and it is sold by agents who are sometimes more concerned with their commissions than your needs. Be cautious and knowledgeable when purchasing it. Making a Budget. Individually and collectively, keep spending under control so that you get the most out of every dollar. Planning for Retirement. Achieving a comfortable retirement in the 21st century requires a new approach to retirement planning. Think everything through carefully and plan for your needs (and wants). Saving for College. It is not rocket science… just common sense. By starting early and investing regularly, your children
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may have a wider choice of colleges, and paying the bills won’t hurt as much. 21. Setting Priorities. Unless you are independently wealthy, you will not be able to have everything you want. Set your priorities carefully and honor them in your actions. 22. Taxes. Among the long list of necessary evils we must encounter throughout our lives, perhaps the most constant – taxes – is also typically the least understood. With some basic knowledge, however, you can know what you need to know to avoid getting hurt. 23. 401(k)s. By some, this is considered the most important tool you’ve got for retirement. Learn how to make the most of it. Money and equity indeed can be the roots of many evils. Fittingly, it is critical for people in loving relationships to openly discuss, on a regular basis, the multitude of issues related to their money, equity, values and attitudes related to their money and equity, and senses of worth and meaning. At the end of the day, it is equally important for both partners to think about and discuss the money and equity aspects of their relationship and not stop until both of them see everything as being equitably equitable. ****** A sign in the lobby of Dr. Lambos’ Tampa practice states: Money cannot make you happy; however, it can help you to suffer in much greater comfort.
Chapter Thirteen
PROBLEMS “The problem with our relationship is that we have relationship problems.”
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his is not an uncommon statement. And while it may appear trite and flip, it is anything but. In fact, you may be wondering why a book with the title, Our Loving Relationship, would contain a separate chapter on “problems.” After all, isn’t every single chapter in the book devoted to some important aspect of relationships that can be a potential source of problems? Our answer is that this chapter is about the subject of relationship problems per se, rather than any specific type or source of problem. Our approach herein falls under the rubric of “meta-analysis” – the stem “meta” being derived from the Greek word for “after.” In epistemology, however, the stem meta- means “about.” Today it is common for philosophy texts to have sections on “meta-logic” (logic about logic) and for psychology books to include a discussion of meta-cognition (thinking about thinking). Commensurately, this book includes this chapter on the subject of meta-problems (problems about problems). To wit, we will take a look at relationships that is one step further removed from individual issues and concerns (money, jealousy, trust, etc.) and address the general issue of
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relationship problems (regardless of the specific cause). From an overall perspective, we propose that: (1) relationship problems (again, irrespective of their proximate or immediate causes) can be grouped into various categories; (2) these categories have something in common that other types of problems do not; and (3) understanding this is helpful in formulating a strategy to deal with relationship problems more effectively. In this regard, we classify relationship problems into the following three “meta-classes” – solvable problems, unsolvable problems, and dangerous problems. We then go on to look at the age-old subject of fighting in relationships (and offer some alternatives we consider healthier) and when separation (temporary or permanent) should be considered.
SOLVABLE PROBLEMS Considering that slightly more than half of all marriages in the United States end in divorce, one might be tempted to assume that half of all relationship problems are solvable (i.e., those that don’t lead to divorce) and the other half are not amenable to solution (and therefore lead to divorce). Although this sounds like common sense logic at first pass, in fact a small amount of meta-analysis shows it to be quite false. In fact, the majority of relationship problems are solvable. Every couple has many problems to work through, often several per month. Thus, if half were unsolvable, then probability theory would suggest that eventually every marriage would end in divorce. But almost half never do. Moreover, even unsolvable problems may not be serious enough to warrant giving up on an entire relationship that is otherwise a source of comfort and worth to the partners. People can agree to disagree on certain issues without throwing out the baby with the bathwater (figuratively speaking!). Even the healthiest of long-term relationships have at least one or two rough spots or problem areas that never get solved, but instead are ignored for the purposes of “the greater good.” In fact, as we shall see below, people
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sometimes choose to remain in relationships where their very health and safety is at risk due to abuse. Thus, the overarching question: what makes one type of problem solvable and another type unsolvable? The following example from Dr. Emener’s case files illustrates and helps clarify the distinction. Sam and Liz came to see Dr. Emener for marriage counseling because they had a number of issues that were troubling them, many of which had to do with parenting their adult children. While addressing these issues, they also discussed another problematic concern in their marriage. When Sam and Liz’s three children were still at home and they were living in a large, four-bedroom, three-bath house, Sam went to work everyday and took care of the yard; Liz was a stay-at-home homemaker. The year before, however, when their last child went off to college, they sold the big house, bought a threebedroom, two-bath condo on the water, and a boat, and Liz went back to work. “One of our big issues – problems actually,” said Liz, “is that Sam always has insisted on living in a neat and clean home. But he hates to do housework! So now that we’re both working and living in our condo and he doesn’t have any yard to take care of, he still expects me to do all the housecleaning. Trust me – it’s a very big condo! It just isn’t fair.” Toward the end of his first session with Sam and Liz, Dr. Emener suggested a self-help book for them (one that discussed the parenting of adult children) as well as a homework assignment. “Between now and our next session,” Bill said, “I would like for the two of you to identify as many possible solutions to this ‘clean house’ problem as you can. Try to think outside the box and don’t worry about the negatives – at least not while you’re identifying the possible solutions. We’ll get to the ‘downsides’ later.” Two weeks later when they arrived for their next session, they said that the recommended self-help book had been helpful and they already had addressed half of their parenting concerns with their children. Then as Liz opened her pocketbook and started removing a folded piece of paper, she and Sam started laughing. Their laughter
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was contagious – Bill began laughing as well, then he asked, “What’s so funny?” “For the past year and a half,” Liz began, “on Tuesday nights Sam has been on a men’s bowling team and on Thursday nights we both have bowled in a couples-league.” Then as she handed their “Outside the Box Solutions to Our Housecleaning Problem” to Dr. Emener, with a wry grin she continued. “One of Sam’s solutions was for him to drop out of the Thursday night league, and with the saved money we would hire a twenty-year-old Swedish maid – he of course would be willing to stay home to supervise.” Sam then laughingly interjected, “Yeah, and one of Liz’s suggestions was for her to drop out of the Thursday night league, and with the saved money we would hire a twenty-year-old Chippendale Houseboy – she of course would be willing to stay home to supervise.” Liz wadded up the list and playfully threw it at Sam, saying, “We’re a trip!” When the cajoling subsided, they told Bill what they had decided to do about their housecleaning problem: Sam agreed to drop out of his Tuesday night league and with the money they would save they would hire a housecleaner to come in every other week. “Hey,” Sam concluded, “it’s a win-win: Liz and I still have our Thursday night bowling, we’ll still have our evening and weekend boating, I’ll be living in a clean house without having to clean, and Liz won’t have any cleaning to do either.” “There’s another win,” Liz said with a warm smile. “We’re not arguing anymore!” As Sam and Liz experienced, when a couple can get beyond the roadblocks such as I want to get my own way and the power and control issues associated with relationship problems and think outside the box, many relationship problems can be solved. The question, “What can make some problems solvable and others not?” also may amount to issues beyond the specific problem such as: perceptions, rigidity, access to professional help in dispute resolution, and the strength of the wider relationship. These all play significant roles in making problems solvable. Ultimately, all but a narrow range of relationship problems is solvable as long as (1) both partners place a higher priority on keeping the relationship intact than
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on other factors, such as having to win; and (2) the couple does not hesitate too long to look for outside help when it becomes necessary.
UNSOLVABLE PROBLEMS As discussed above, an unsolvable problem does not necessarily lead to the end of a relationship. People can and do choose to accept less than optimal arrangements all the time, and often there is nothing wrong with this. Common examples of this type of “unsolvable problem” are in-law issues, career-relationship conflicts, lingering resentments over past behaviors, and so forth. There are two types of problems, however, which are unsolvable and will lead to the ending of any relationship, later if not sooner. The first is the end of emotional gratification in the relationship. The second, as mentioned above, is the accumulated damage done through emotional and/or physical abuse that is not addressed immediately in a relationship. Let’s examine these in order. Yvonne originally came to see Dr. Lambos because of her nineyear-old son’s academic issues in school. She wanted Seth, a thirdgrader, evaluated for attention deficit disorder (ADD) because he was falling further and further behind his classmates. After interviewing Seth and administering a battery of neuropsychological scales and tests, Dr. Lambos concluded that the boy did not meet the criteria for ADD or the criteria of a learning disability. Rather, Seth seemed to be distracted at school (and elsewhere) because he was highly anxious over his parent’s relationship. During further interviews, Yvonne admitted that she had been having an affair with a married man she met at a school function and “felt no love at all anymore for her husband.” Her husband, Peter, traveled four days a week out of state for his company, and when he was home the marriage was carried-on only for the sake of the children. Bill asked Yvonne, “Do you think you are protecting your children by continuing your pretend relationship with Peter?” Yvonne’s eyes swelled with tears as she answered, “Yes, my children would be devastated if their parents
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were to divorce. In addition, my lover is a respected businessman with a wife and two small children of his own, and his conservative colleagues and parents would be mortified if he left his wife for another woman. Furthermore, he feels the same way I do about exposing his children to divorce.” “Yvonne,” Dr. Lambos replied, “your son is having problems at school and is not getting along with other children because he senses something is very wrong at home. How much of a favor do you think you are doing him by carrying on the charade of the ‘happy family’?” While dabbing her eyes, Yvonne said, “I really have made a mess of things. My lover is not ready to break up his family, so I’m not going to break up mine. And if this is impacting my son, then I’m just going to have to pretend harder that I still love Peter.” Dr. Lambos referred Seth to a child counselor with expertise in marriage and family therapy, and continues to see Yvonne as his client. As Seth’s anxiety was addressed in therapy, his school performance improved markedly. As for Yvonne, she continues to live for the time secreted away with her lover and has resigned herself to living with an unsolvable problem, at least for the time being. Her anxiety level has also been reduced through her sessions. The last time she saw Dr. Lambos, she said, “I would rather have what I have with this man, however difficult it is to be away from him most of the time, than to go back to where I was not able to feel anything at all. Since I resigned myself to my situation and stopped ‘wanting it all,’ I’ve actually been less stressed and happier.” As we have said numerous times, loving relationships are entered into on a voluntary basis because they offer something of value to the partners that they did not have prior to the relationship. Typically, the value is the emotional gratification gained by satisfying the need to bond with another human being and to “feel special.” When this gratification ceases to occur – when one is no longer capable of feeling special with the significant other – the relationship has an unsolvable problem and will usually end, later if not sooner. The other type of unsolvable problem comes from the buildup of what we like to refer to as “emotional scar tissue due to repeated
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hurtful interactions.” Although such interactions may or may not qualify as legally abusive, any interaction that leaves a permanent mark, emotional or otherwise, indeed does lasting damage to that relationship. One of the banes of being a couples therapist is that couples sometimes wait too long to seek outside help. By the time they do, frequently so much emotional scarring has occurred that it is too late to heal. In such cases, the only solution left is dissolution of the relationship in a manner that does the least possible further harm.
MAKING PROBLEMS LESS PROBLEMATIC People often do not realize the amount of control they have in choosing how to look at, understand, find meaning in, or otherwise think about their problems. One’s perception of the problem is a key factor in determining its severity, and counselors and therapists spend much time in helping clients to alter their perceptions of their problems. There are a number of strategies you can use to help reduce the severity of relationship problems that do not involve solving the problem: 1. Don’t react impulsively. Think before you act or speak in a way you might regret. The emotional scar tissue discussed earlier is lasting and builds up bit by bit. Every time you do or say something that hurts your partner, you have become a part of the problem rather than a part of the solution. Keep your cool. 2. What you say is less important than how you say it. This grade school truism is still good advice for adults dealing with relationship problems. It is nearly always possible to frame a complaint or a demand as a request, and to explain why you are requesting that something change. Diplomacy can work wonders in minimizing relationship problems. 3. Pick the time and place to address the problem. Timing is everything, it is said, and especially so when dealing with
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4.
5.
6.
7.
relationship problems. If necessary, schedule a time and place to have problem-focused discussions, so your partner does not feel like they have been subject to a surprise attack. It is also a good idea to choose a “neutral” territory for such discussions, for example while out for a walk. Look at the big picture. Don’t sweat the small stuff. If you know you really don’t care about something, don’t let yourself get hung up on it for the sake of pride or selfish reasons. Chances are, you have chosen to be in your relationship because it offers something very important to you. Keep that perspective in the front of your thinking. Offer concessions when appropriate or feasible. If you are requesting your partner to change his or her behavior, or give up something of value, offer something in return. Ask your partner what he or she would like in the way of a concession – you don’t have to agree to it – and it might be something trivial to you that you are happy to offer. Relationships are not a zero-sum game. When trying to resolve or reduce the scope of a problem, keep in mind that there is not a prize of a fixed size that must be split up, so that the more your partner gets, the less you do. Think of ways of enlarging the pie rather than cutting it up. Focus on issues, not on “positions.” A position is a stance you take on an issue, often on a matter of principle. An interest is something you would like or something you would like changed. Avoid the temptation to focus on your position when trying to resolve a relationship problem (i.e., what you demand of your partner, what is “right” or “fair”) and instead think about what will satisfy your interests or meet your general desires. Always try to think in terms of win-win instead of “you vs. me.”
None of the above means that you can snap your fingers and make relationship problems disappear. If that were so, this chapter would not be necessary. Rather, the point is that when problems
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present themselves, as they inevitably will, they can be handled either so as to reduce their probable impact on the relationship, or alternatively, so as to breed more conflict and lead to contempt and scar the relationship. People in relationships tend, in our experience, to underappreciate the role they play in dealing with problems effectively.
GRIDLOCK Gridlock is a term describing an inability to move within a space or network, usually in regard to traffic. In relationships, gridlock is used to describe a situation in which competing interests prevent progress toward some goal. Relationship problems that remain unresolved because neither party is willing to make a concession or accommodation are often described as in a state of gridlock. A state of gridlock represents a warning sign when a couple is trying to deal with a relationship problem. It means that the relationship problem causing the gridlock is in danger of escalating to the point where the relationship itself is threatened or at risk of permanent scarring. We recommend learning to recognize gridlock for what it is – mutual stubbornness and unwillingness to compromise – and to seek ways to resolve or reduce the gridlock quickly. Failing to do so puts the relationship at risk and often causes minor, solvable problems to become major, unsolvable ones. Many failed relationships are characterized by a pattern or state of unresolved gridlock in their later stages.
ABUSE Earlier in this chapter we described relationships problems as being of three types: solvable, unsolvable and dangerous. We now will look at dangerous relationship problems and the damage they
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cause to the individuals and family members involved in them – and to our society as a whole. In general, dangerous relationships are characterized by one of two characteristics: enabling and abusive. We have already looked at “enabling” in Chapter Nine when we discussed “codependency.” Herein, we address the other factor that can make a relationship dangerous – abuse (which is synonymous with domestic violence). Abuse refers to the use or treatment of something, be it a person, an item, a substance, or something else, in a manner that is seen as harmful. In the context of relationships, abuse normally refers to the severe maltreatment of a person. Abuse may come in any of several varieties. These include: physical abuse, in which one person inflicts physical violence or pain on another; verbal abuse, such as when a person uses insulting or profane language, demeaning talk, or threatening statements; and emotional or psychological abuse, such as coercion, humiliation, intimidation, relational aggression, or alienation, in which one person uses emotional or psychological coercion to compel another to do something they do not want or is not in their best interests. In some cases, one person manipulates another’s emotional or psychological state for their own or commits psychological aggression using ostensibly nonviolent methods to inflict mental or emotional violence or pain on another. Physical and even some forms of emotional abuse are considered sufficiently serious and damaging to society that psychologists and mental health counselors are required to violate confidentiality and alert authorities in many cases when a credible report of abuse is made. This is particularly true if the abuse involves minors or elderly persons. Most municipalities have hotlines for reporting abuse, and we strongly encourage any person who is experiencing an abusive relationship to place the well being and safety of themselves and their dependents first, and to immediately take any steps necessary to remove themselves from the dangerous situation.
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SEPARATION When relationships involve serious unsolvable problems, or whenever any relationship is abusive, separation is the next step. Although in many cases separation is a precursor to divorce or dissolution of the relationship, it need not be. A temporary separation has led many couples to realize the value of their relationship and to take serious steps to resolve their problems. Separation also allows people to test the water, as it were, and to try independent living before committing to permanently ending a significant relationship. Separation should, if possible, be discussed and the new terms of the relationship stated openly and agreed upon. For example, Jean and Vince, a couple who Dr. Emener is currently talking with, is “separated,” and their separation has had many benefits for them. They openly discussed and agreed to what they both considered important for the future of their relationship: no dating other people while they are separated; neither will do anything “stupid” (such as excessive gambling or drinking); neither will go over to the other’s residence without calling first; they will have daily contact (either in person or by phone); neither will call the other after ten o’clock in the evening; neither of them will “create a scene” in social situations; both will notify the other person should an emergency arise; and, both will remain available to the other (i.e., neither of them will “disappear” or purposefully avoid the other). An added feature is that in honoring these agreements they will not add to their problems and issues and thus when they “talk” they can stay focused on the important issues in their relationship. The term separation means different things in different places in the context of marital relationships. For example, some states do not recognize legal separation in the absence of a separation agreement filed with the family court system, particularly if children are involved. An informal separation not involving a written agreement is referred to as an estrangement. Whether a couple is separated or estranged, however, it is important for them to openly discuss, identify and honor agreements such as Jean and Vince’s.
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FIGHTING WELL As couples in healthy and happy relationships address and live with their day-to-day and overarching problems, they occasionally fight. There is nothing wrong with fighting – as long as each person fights fair. According to Dr. John Gottman’s research, the way a couple fights is one of the most accurate indicators of whether they’ll stay together. Couples who are good at de-escalating arguments with humor and compliments are in good shape. Those who shut each other out or jab each other with sarcasm and insults are headed for trouble. Fortunately, anyone can learn the tools of relationshipfriendly fights. The following “Ten Recommendations for Fighting Well” offer excellent insight and advice on how to argue happily ever after. 1. Surrender the need to be right. People tend to fight because they believe that they’re right, and they want the other person to understand that. However, it is important for them to ask themselves: Would I rather be right or happy? When you fight, if at all possible, focus on a solution that would be right for everyone, rather than worry about who’s right and who’s wrong. 2. Stay on topic. If you’re fighting about the fact that he or she drank too much at your sister’s wedding, then stick to that grievance. This is not a good time to throw in that he or she was late picking you up last week and never puts the empty bottles in the recycling bin. Bringing up all the past hurts and reading your list of “done-wrongs” will put your partner on the defensive; sticking to your point will keep your partner from getting confused, impatient, and possibly even more angry. 3. Focus on your partner’s point, rather than yours. Your husband or wife will be more likely to hear your perspective if you let him or her know that you’re genuinely listening to his or her perspective. Instead of just trying to ram your point
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of view across, spend at least as much time listening to your partner’s point of view. Asking questions like, “Could you say more about that?” can be very helpful. 4. Give the other person an out, when necessary. Many people get frustrated when a partner changes the subject or makes a joke during a heated argument. However, this is not necessarily a bad thing, as it can be an effective way to break the tension and give each partner some breathing space. By allowing your partner to change the subject and stop talking about the problem, you’re giving him or her an out. That can be helpful if emotions are running high or he or she is starting to feel defensive or trapped. You can also do this by doing what is done many times in athletic contests: when you feel things are getting out of hand, call “time out” and agree to finish the discussion when both of you have cooled off. Just remember, of course, to resume the conversation at a later date. 5. Pick your battles. Sometimes you just have to accept that he or she will always be fifteen minutes late and will never learn to see the black stuff dripping under the car or the green stuff that grows between the bathroom tiles. If you’re always picking a fight about little things, it will be hard to get your partner to listen to the big things. So before you start to fight or argue about something, ask yourself, “Is this really important to our relationship?” and “Do I really want to spend my time and energy bickering about this stuff?” Choose your battles wisely. 6. Avoid personal attacks. Say for example that a wife is mad at her husband for leaving her stranded at his office barbecue. Fine, she has a right to be angry about that. But telling him what an inconsiderate jerk he is probably won’t make him correct his behavior for the next office function. Instead, it would be better for her to explain how she felt “when he left her stranded for forty-five minutes with that tedious dweeb from HR.”
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Problems In a nutshell: Immediately address dangerous problems, ameliorate unsolvable problems, work on solvable problems, and, avoid the biggest problem – avoiding your problems.
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Chapter Fourteen
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hroughout this book we have emphasized the position that in order for two individuals to establish, maintain and enjoy a “good” loving relationship, both persons have to affectively attend to: (1) themselves (e.g., their own needs, wants, wishes and desires); (2) each other (e.g., their loved one’s needs, wants, wishes and desires); and (3) their relationship (e.g., agreements, compromises, and/or expectations, whether tacit or openly acknowledged, that promote and sustain the couple’s happiness together). These could be considered minimum requirements for a “good” loving relationship. This implies that for people to succeed in these three areas, they must have a desire, a capacity, a motivation and a commitment to attend to the requirements of these three areas. Finally, for all this to work, each person must have effective, high-level skills in these three areas, abilities we call relationship skills. Numerous discussions and examples throughout this book emphasize and illustrate the variety of, and the importance of, loving relationship skills. This chapter will focus on three aspects of relationship skills that, in our opinion, deserve special attention because they are critical to maintaining successful loving relationships. These are: (1) skills in establishing, maintaining and ending loving relationships; (2) empathy (or listening) skills; and (3) coping skills. As one of Bill Emener’s clients, Linda, said when she came to see him for the first time, “Craig and I have been living together for about six months. We
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love each other, I am incredibly in love with him, and I really want our relationship to work. But when it comes to my taking care of me, I just can’t seem to do anything right. When it comes to my attending to Craig, I just don’t seem to be loving him the way I wish I could, because he doesn’t feel loved by me. And when it comes to trying to improve our relationship, neither of us seems to be very good at it.” With a desolate sense of sadness in her eyes, tears streaming down her face and emotional tremors racking her body, she continued, “I truly believe that both of us are committed to our own well-being, each other’s well-being and making our relationship work. But we just don't seem to know how to do it.” Although at first blush this may strike some of our readers as unusual, in fact such situations are quite common – both with respect to loving relationships and many other areas of adult functioning. Most of us can recall with clarity the “learning curve” we had to endure in order to function well at each of our new jobs, navigating well in new neighborhoods, or adapting to the addition of children to our families, as well as in many other areas of change. Similarly, as the father of an adorable and delightful sixteen-year-old daughter, Dr. Lambos often smiles inwardly while watching her succession of “boyfriends” and what she learns from each new relationship. (Fortunately, at her age they don’t seem to last too long or involve more than superficial skills.) The point is that the complex behavioral repertoires of adult human functioning are learned over periods that can last years and involve very large degrees of trial and error. Sometimes, people adopt ways of doing things that are less than optimal or even ineffective, and never succeed in honing these skills to the level they would like. If you feel that your relationship skills might benefit from some sharpening, then this chapter is meant for you.
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ESTABLISHING, MAINTAINING AND ENDING SKILLS Our clinical and personal experiences have repeatedly indicated that there are three distinct stages of loving relationships: (1) the Establishment Stage – when two individuals are initiating, beginning and starting their relationship; (2) the Maintenance Stage – when they are continuing, developing, enriching, strengthening and extending their relationship; and (3) the Ending Stage – when they are reducing, diminishing, transforming and bringing closure to their relationship. We also have found that most people have “good” skills in establishing and beginning loving relationships, “mediocre” skills in maintaining and continuing loving relationships, and “poor” skills in ending and bringing closure to loving relationships. Part of the reason for this is that during the beginning stage, most people will invest large amounts of time and energy into what they are doing. Furthermore, during the beginning stage most people’s feelings tend to be positive and typically there are numerous rewarding experiences associated with what they are doing. The truism “love is blind” refers primarily to the beginning stage of relationships, when people can convince themselves that their new flame has no flaws (that matter), and overlook evidence of future problems that seem painfully obvious to their friends and families. Conversely, during the ending and closure stage, people’s feelings tend to be far less positive (and sometimes painful), and many of the outcomes of what they are doing are felt as punishing. Furthermore, it is important to note that throughout these three stages, most people’s motivations, intentions, needs, wants, desires and wishes also tend to change markedly from stage to stage. Thus, during these three stages, the extent to which people attend to themselves, their loved ones and their relationship, are discernibly different, as the skills that are necessary for each stage. For example, as is illustrated in Figure 14.1, differential considerations of (1) “who” and “what” people pay attention to, and (2) the corresponding specific relationship skills within these categories may include the following:
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Figure 14.1. Areas of Focus during Three Loving Relationship Stages.
During the Establishing Stage: •
•
peoples’ primary focus is on the other person (e.g., “Most of my energy is focused on making him or her happy, such as preparing his favorite meal or sending her flowers;” and, typical attitudes during this stage are “as long as I can make him or her happy and get some rewards out of it for myself, our relationship will take care of itself.”
During the Maintenance Stage: •
most peoples’ focus tends to be distributed somewhat evenly among these three categories: themselves, their loved ones and their relationship. Examples of this include:
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Self: “Next weekend I would appreciate our going away to the beach for a few days. I need to get away so I can rest and forget about my pressures and worries." Loved-One: “Maybe we could go away to the beach for the weekend. You look like you need to get away from your pressures and worries for a few days.” Relationship: “We’ve been so busy lately that it seems that we have drifted apart. I’d like for us to go away to the beach for the weekend so we can ‘get reacquainted.’ I feel that our relationship needs some attention.”
During the Ending Stage: •
•
people’s focus tends primarily to be on themselves (e.g., “I may need to attend to my own needs for freedom and/or my feelings of sadness and loss.”); and attending to and negotiating “new” relationship boundaries is very important (e.g., “I suggest that we feel free to call each other on the telephone but that we not see each other for a few days.”).
Despite the fact that during each stage the primary focus of attention normally changes, it is important to remember that people continue to attend to all three categorical targets: themselves, their loved ones and their relationship. Moreover, the extent to which they are relatively attending to each of these categorical targets of their attention is comprehendible, logical, and functional. For example, “When we first met and during our courtship, we paid a lot of attention to each other,” Alice said. “Then for the first few years of our marriage we paid a lot of attention to ourselves. Jimmy continued to practice and work on his golf game and I continued with my pottery. We also paid attention to each other. For example, one time I surprised him with a new pair of golf shoes, and one night he surprised me by bringing home a new, bigger kiln for me. We also paid a lot of attention to our relationship. For example, we made sure
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that we went out together, just the two of us, one night a week and spent at least one weekend a month away together. But now that we are separated and negotiating our divorce, we’re attending primarily to ourselves and our relationship. We also have two small children and we want to make things as easy as possible for them. I know that Jimmy will be okay – he can take care of himself. And I know that I will be okay – I am learning how to take care of myself. It really pleases me, though, that we are able to have such a relatively friendly and amicable relationship through all of this. It makes things easier and less painful. Furthermore, it helps us do a better job of taking care of our two children.” Of course, Alice and Jimmy may not be typical. Professionals such as couples counselors and family mediators spend much of their working day helping people reduce the conflict and vitriol that is, unfortunately, more typical of the ending stage of relationships. Nevertheless, we advise our readers to take whatever steps are needed for them to continue to attend to all three areas – self, other and relationship – at every stage of their loving relationships. Learning to do so is among the most important relationship skills one can learn because it maintains the balance of healthy functioning at every stage. Specifically, we advise our readers in every stage of their relationships to: •
•
Lovingly attend to yourself. This necessitates the activation of self-help, self-nourishing skills. If you haven’t learned such skills, then it certainly would be in your best interest to learn them (whether you are in a relationship or not). The key advice here is: don’t lose sight of yourself or your desires in any stage of a relationship. Lovingly attend to your loved one. And without being manipulative, controlling, smothering or codependent; this also requires that you have high-level, identifiable interpersonal skills. For this, the central wisdom is simply a modification of an age-old rule: do unto your significant other as you would have him or her do unto you. Finally,
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Lovingly attend to your loving relationship. This also necessitates the implementation of identifiable, high-level interpersonal skills. The important advice here is: don’t burn any bridges, and keep them well maintained for as long as possible.
It is important to remember that learning and developing effective skills in these three areas is critical and beneficial – for yourself, for your loved one, and for your relationship.
EMPATHY (LISTENING) SKILLS “The best way you tell me you love me is when you listen to me,” Sharon said to her husband. She then added, “When you demonstrate to me that you understand, respect and appreciate how I see things and how I feel about things, I really feel that you care about me. I figure that in order for you to understand me the way you do, you cannot always be focused on yourself, your way of seeing things, and your feelings about things. My first husband was so enamored with his way of seeing things and so caught up in his own feelings that he never was able to see things through my eyes – to appreciate how I saw things and how I felt about things. I felt so alone. But with you it’s different. You consider me important; you validate my perceptions and feelings. And I figure that for you to be able to do that, you must love me. That’s one of the reasons why I love you and feel so loved by you.” As Sharon’s story very well illustrates, empathy requires the ability to see things from another person’s point of view. Neuropsychologists call this ability “theory of mind,” and it is considered one of the five essential executive functions of the brain. People who lack the capacity for theory of mind are considered either very impaired or very evil, depending on one’s perspective. Terms used to describe such people include self-centered, uncompassionate,
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schizoid, narcissistic and sociopathic – terms with which few of us would care to be labeled. Empathy is not the same as theory of mind, but depends upon it – one cannot imagine how another person feels unless they are able to “put themselves in that person’s shoes” or see the world from their perspective. Empathy, therefore, requires the ability or willingness to see the world from the point of view of another and the ability to feel the way we imagine they do. Moreover, empathy is experienced internally. Evidence of empathy requires behaviors that demonstrate one has or is experiencing it, and there’s the crux of the matter: if one’s partner does not see evidence of empathy he or she will naturally assume it is absent. Thus, it is not uncommon for someone to love and be in love with someone else very much, and yet not be able to, or fail to, communicate and demonstrate that he or she has empathy for that person. Most people, nonetheless, tend to agree that having, communicating and demonstrating genuine empathic understanding to a loved one is a very loving thing to do. “It feels so good when I can tell that she understands me,” Edward said. “It certainly helps in our relationship too.” Our strong advice with respect to relationship skills is, therefore, if you are feeling empathy for your significant other, take steps to show it. It can make a very big difference in keeping the relationship healthy. Sometimes, people will confuse sympathy for empathy. Sympathy is feeling for another person, as in “I feel sorry for you.” Empathy is feeling with another person, as in “I understand you; I see you are scared and can almost feel your fear.” What Sharon was saying to her husband illustrates the differential effects of a loved one’s being locked into his (or her) own “projections” versus having the capacity for being “empathic.” As is illustrated in the diagram in Figure 14.2, when we look at an object or an issue, we do not see the object or the issue, per se, rather, we see our perception of it. Somewhere between the retinal wall in the eye and what is registered in the brain, the object or the issue is filtered by one’s own personal experiences, philosophies, values and beliefs. And when we project
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Figure 14.2. Empathic Understanding.
our experiences, philosophies, values and beliefs onto the object or issue, what is registered in the brain is our perception of the object or issue. We call this “projection.” On the other hand, when I am able to look at the object or issue through your eyes, your experiences, your philosophies, your values and your beliefs, then I can see it “through your eyes.” This, we call “empathy.” To return to the language of neuropsychology for a moment, empathy requires both a valid theory of mind and an emotional response to it, whereas sympathy requires the former but not any such shared emotion. Or as the Joe South song Walk a Mile in My Shoes suggests, “Don’t judge me until you can see life through my eyes.” Whenever lecturing on the concepts of empathy and empathic listening, we typically use an example from personal life in which the
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differences between projection and empathy are clearly distinguishable and appreciable. For example, Dr. Emener had not seen his old buddy, Bob, for a long time. When they lived in the same town, they frequently played tennis and golf together, and their families would get together on weekends. In many ways, they were very close. Job changes on both of their behalves, however, geographically separated the two. And although Bill and Bob kept in touch by phone and by mail, they had not seen each other for about eight years. Then one day Bill received a call at his office from Bob. He did not identify himself to Bill’s receptionist or to Bill. After Bill picked up his phone and said, “This is Bill Emener,” Bob simply said, “Lynn, my new wife, and I are on vacation and will be in St. Petersburg tomorrow night in a hotel on the beach. We’ll only be there for the one night. Any chance of our getting together – flip you for the drinks!” The somewhat familiar voice suddenly became very familiar when he heard their old, typical, traditional, “Flip you” line. As vivid, warm, wonderful memories shot through his mind, Bill immediately knew it was Bob and replied, “Two out of three!” They simultaneously laughed and shared their enthusiasm and genuine excitement about getting together the following evening. As Bill entered the hotel lounge, he spotted them immediately. Bob still had his muscular build and his broad, winning smile… hair a bit gray, but distinctively the same old Bob. Lynn exemplified Bob’s every description of her – long brown hair, warm smile, bright blue eyes, and soft, small hands. Following a few big hugs, the coins immediately came out – “Two out of three!” Bob won. A few minutes later, the waitress brought the three drinks: an iced tea for Lynn and two martinis, “dry, on the rocks, three olives, and with a smile” – the way they always ordered them, of course. As Bob and Bill relished their memories brought back by the two martinis, “the way they are supposed to be,” Bill noticed that although Lynn truly enjoyed their “remember when” stories, her body posture and facial expressions suggested a possible, mild concern about the martinis. And although he noticed her somewhat less than positive attitude regarding their drinks, Bill didn’t say anything. About thirty
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minutes later when their table was ready, they moved into the dining room. When the waiter asked them if they would like to order a drink while looking over the menus, Bob and Bill immediately looked at each other. “Two out of three!” they both chuckled. This time, Bill won. Bob said, “One iced tea for this beautiful woman here, and two martinis, dry, on the rocks, three olives, and with a smile.” Again the memories and old war stories flowed. Lynn even shared some of her and Bob’s from the past two years of their marriage. It was great. When the waiter brought their drinks and said, “With a smile,” everyone did – except Lynn. This time she was noticeably put off by the sight of the martinis. Bill again declined to say anything. However, when Lynn excused herself to go to the ladies room, Bill softly said to Bob, “It’s really none of my business, Bob, and I don’t want to pry. But I could not help but notice that Lynn seemed to be irked a little with the martinis. Is there anything going on that I should know about? She’s a real neat lady and I surely do not want to offend her.” Bob quietly stared at his glass for a moment and then said, “No Bill, neither you nor I did anything wrong. She’s okay. She’s just a little sensitive still. About five years ago her mother, father and younger brother were killed by a drunk driver.” Chills immediately swept through Bill’s body – with that information he clearly understood where Lynn was coming from. While the sight and smell of the martinis were wonderful reminders of joy, excitement, happiness and fun for Bill and Bob, they were horrible reminders of tragedy, sorrow, loss and suffering for Lynn. During and after dinner, Bill felt a special closeness to Lynn. While the three of them were sipping their after-dinner coffees, Lynn unsolicitedly and apologetically shared her reactions and her reasons for her reactions to the martinis. Bill’s heart went out to her. He then reached for her hand and softly said, “Lynn, I am truly sorry that happened. Even after five years it’s still painful for you. You certainly don’t need to apologize. If that had happened to me, I cannot assure you that I would be reacting any differently than you are.”
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As they were leaving the restaurant, big hugs abounded, with threats and promises of when and where they would get together again. It had been a wonderful evening. As Bill was heading toward the parking lot and his friends were heading to the hotel elevator, he said, “Next time dinner’s on me.” Both Bob and Lynn, smiling from ear to ear, replied, “Two out of three!” As depicted in the diagram in Figure 14.2, when Bob and Bill were looking at the martinis, they were projecting their personal experiences, philosophies, values and beliefs onto the objects and perceived not just martinis, but martinis associated with joy, excitement, happiness and fun. When Lynn was looking at the martinis, she was projecting her personal experiences, philosophies, values and beliefs onto the objects, and not only was seeing martinis, but martinis that she associated with tragedy, sorrow, loss and suffering. And when Bob helped Bill understand Lynn’s projections and perceptions by providing him with information regarding her experience, he then was able to have empathy for her. He felt her pain. It is important to note that none of them had any real fears regarding Bob and Bill’s having two martinis. They knew that a period of four hours would have transpired and a large meal would have been consumed between the time Bill would have finished his second martini and the time he would leave to drive home. Nonetheless, not only did Bob and Lynn have deep empathy for each other, they did not impose their values on each other. Bob truly understood Lynn’s struggles with her family members’ deaths and he did not shame her or tell her what to do. He did not become upset when she ordered iced tea or emotionally reacted to the martinis. Likewise, Lynn understood Bob’s enjoyment of his martinis and did not shame him or tell him not to have and enjoy them. Clearly, both Bob and Lynn have the abilities and the skills: (1) to have and demonstrate genuine empathy for each other; and (2) to not impose their values and “shoulds” on each other or others. Among many other things, they respect each other. These indeed are big reasons why they have and enjoy the great loving relationship that they have.
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In “good” loving relationships, both individuals remain aware of their own projections and perceptions of themselves, each other, and their relationship, and respectfully and lovingly of each other’s – they are empathic with and toward each other.
IMPORTANCE OF COPING SKILLS Among many other things, involvement in a loving relationship entails risk-taking. Fear of getting hurt is one of the most frequent responses we hear when we ask people what they struggle with the most in developing, maintaining and ending loving relationships. When we invest ourselves in a loving relationship, we offer the other person and the relationship our time, effort and energy, as well as our sense of being, our sense of worth, our sense of what we are, and our sense of who we are. It is understandable for us to protect what we have (e.g., a formidable bank account, a new car or a nice house), what we are (e.g., being a successful legal secretary with a good job at a good law firm), and who we are (e.g., a happy, fun-loving, warm and friendly human being). And when we involve ourselves in a loving relationship, we very easily can risk these things. More specifically, we take the risk of having the other person reject the value of what we have and who we are, and in the process feel that they are rejecting us as human beings. At least that is typically how we perceive it, and as we all know via our capacity for empathy, it can really sting. Coping skills is a collective term representing a variety of thoughts, feelings and behaviors that can be engaged and utilized to protect what we have, what we are and who we are. For example, when talking with Jim, a twenty-nine-year-old schoolteacher who recently ended a five-year relationship and was feeling very lonely and lonesome, yet vulnerable, Dr. Emener said, “I can feel my coping skills kicking in and that’s good. I’m not ready for another serious relationship. I couldn’t handle it right now. The other night when Beth, a lady who I’ve been dating lately, invited me to go with her to
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the beach for the weekend, I respectfully declined. She may be ready for that, but I’m not. I would probably have fun and enjoy myself, but I guess I’m not ready. I feel relieved.” Another of Dr. Emener’s client, Augie, said, “Every night my wife keeps me up arguing about our relationship and how I don’t treat her right. I want to continue to talk with her, even if we do argue, because I would like for us to work things out. But a few nights ago I simply told her that I have to get to bed by eleven o’clock if I am going to be able to do my job effectively. In my work as a trial lawyer, I have to be on the ball. I have to have a clear head. So for the past few days I have been going to bed by eleven and getting up at six-thirty to jog a mile or two before going to work. That helps me clear my mind for the day ahead of me. That way I can focus on what I am doing.” Basically, Augie was engaging some effective coping skills to protect himself from jeopardizing his job and his career while trying to work through some relationship difficulties. Janice had been married for seven years, was divorced by her husband “for another woman” and was not going out at all, other than to go to work and do her shopping before she started therapy with Dr. Lambos. “Between my fear of men and my anger toward them,” she said, “I was afraid to go out anywhere where a man might talk to me. I became a shut-in. But with the books I’ve been reading, and seeing you to work through some of my feelings, now I’m occasionally going out with my girlfriends and learning some very helpful coping skills. Sitting in a lounge and politely saying, ‘No thank you’ to a man if he asks you to dance, is easier said than done! I’ve got a long way to go yet with my recovery from what happened with my divorce. But now at least I am getting on with my life, and that certainly feels good!” In these three illustrations, we are able to see examples of how people were engaging effective coping skills in order to protect themselves and “get on with their lives.” Moreover, they illustrate three categories of relationship coping skills: (1) Pre-relationship Coping Skills – Jim was protecting himself from getting hurt because he “was not ready for an involved relationship with anyone and was
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not ready to risk the possibility of being emotionally hurt;” (2) During/Within a Relationship Coping Skills – Augie was taking steps to assure himself that he could continue to be successful at his job and in his career; he “did not want to be hurt by losing his job or blowing his career;” and (3) Post-relationship Coping Skills – Janice was protecting herself from potentially feeling hurt by doing things she was not ready to do (such as dancing with a man) yet still being able to “enjoy going out with her friends and getting on with her life.” Sometimes we need coping skills to protect us when we are experiencing a variety of feelings, not just negative ones. For example, Bill Emener remembers when one of his graduate assistants got engaged a few years ago. She was so excited and so caught up in the delirium of her engagement, she was not able to function around the office – she would sit and stare at the walls. Her performance in her classes also suffered. “We are going to have to teach Allyson some coping skills,” Bill overheard one of the other graduate assistants say, “and I’m getting tired of doing her work for her too!” It also is important to remember that sometimes “good” coping skills can mask true experiences and feelings. Margaret, a twentythree-year-old hairdresser whose fiancé was upset because she was paying more attention to her mother than to him, came to see Dr. Emener for assistance. “My mom and dad were divorced last year,” she began. “They had been married for twenty-two years. My dad is doing fine. He still goes fishing with his friends all the time and always has a smile on his face. But mom is the one who is hurting. She never goes out unless I take her out. She is just ‘down’ all the time. That’s why I attend to her as much as I do.” Margaret and Bill had lengthy discussions regarding her Mom, her feelings regarding her parent’s divorce, and the many ways in which her attending to her mom was affecting her own life. Bill remembers saying to Margaret, “It might be important for you to consider the possibility that your dad may be hurting and ‘down’ just as much as your mom… maybe even more. You really don’t know. Just because he has good coping skills – he still goes fishing with his buddies and always has a smile on his face – doesn’t necessarily mean that he is not down and
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hurting. You may be operating on an assumption. You may want to consider attending to him and checking that out.” Ironically, when Dr. Emener was talking with Margaret during their next session, with tearing eyes she said, “Oh, and by the way, I had a real long talk with dad. As it turns out, he was hurting just as much as mom. And possibly even more since he felt that because I had been ignoring him I didn’t care about him or love him.” One of the most difficult challenges we, your authors, always felt as parents was that of helping our children learn how to be open, loving and trustful of others while simultaneously knowing how to protect themselves from being devastatingly, emotionally hurt. Not being open, loving and trustful of others is akin to living under a rock. But without good coping skills, one is quintessentially vulnerable and fair game for all of the harmful people and the punishing vicissitudes of the world. ****** I want to and need to understand and attend to myself, you and our relationship. Why? Because I love you. To understand and attend to these three things effectively, so that I, you, and we can establish, maintain and enjoy our relationship, I have to have more than a need, a desire, and a good reason – I also have to have good skills in doing them.
Chapter Fifteen
SEEING A PROFESSIONAL COUNSELOR, THERAPIST OR FAMILY MEDIATOR “We read some self-help books over the past year or so while we tried to fix things in our relationship. Sometimes things would get better, but then after a while we’d be right back where we started. I guess that’s why we’re here. In their own way, our friends and relatives try to be helpful. They offer advice and suggestions. But that hasn’t made any difference either. We need some help – professional help.” “She doesn’t know I’m here. I just thought I’d come in to see you by myself first. I’ve been trying to get her to understand that I still need to see my first wife on occasions, like every other week when I get the kids for the weekend or when we both go to one of their school functions. She’s just so jealous. She just doesn’t understand. I can’t take it anymore.” “You are the fourth therapist we have seen in the last three months. All the rest didn’t ‘get it.’ We’ve heard you’re really good, so we expect you will understand what it is we are trying to say when we say it.” “As soon as I can get back to working day shifts, everything will be fine. We really don’t need to be here! She just blows things out of proportion all the time. This is unnecessary. That’s all I have to say!”
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William G. Emener and William A. Lambos “Now that Luke has finally agreed to come to counseling, I can finally take a deep breath, a sigh of relief. I am convinced our problems are almost behind us just because we’re here.” “This is embarrassing. We live in a real nice neighborhood. We both have professional jobs. Our families know we’re doing just fine. Our two kids know we’re okay – the four of us do a lot of things together all the time and have a lot of fun. Alright, so we have a few arguments once in awhile, but to have to come here to see a psychologist… I don’t know.” “He agreed to meet me here today, but this afternoon he called me from his office and said that some honcho from the regional office was flying in and that he had to pick him up at the airport and take him to his hotel. ‘Otherwise I’d be there,’ he told me. But I don’t know. He wasn’t all that excited when I scheduled this appointment for the two of us. So I thought I’d come anyway, so at least I could fill you in on what’s been going on.” “Being here, seeing you… I know this is the end. I’m so scared…” “I can’t believe we’re seeing a counselor! We’ve been living together for over two years now and everything is really going great. We used to have our problems, but we worked them out. But now, because I just have a few beers when it’s hot, she thinks I have a drinking problem. I don’t have a drinking problem. She’s the one with the problem.” “We’ve made appointments to see counselors in the past, but then she would cancel them. She would say, ‘Look, I bought this new book on communications,’ or something like that. I know we have problems and we need help. I’m just glad that the two of us are finally here.” “Yeah, we argue sometimes. It’s usually because she gets on my case. She really knows how to push my buttons. Then when I get mad, she won’t leave me alone. She just keeps pickin’ and pickin’. Yeah, I may push her or slap her on rare occasions, but I don’t
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mean anything by it. She just needs to learn to leave me alone when I’m mad. She just needs to learn how to let me cool off.” “We really wouldn’t have to be here if he would just listen to me. I’ve been telling him for years that everything would be okay if he would just…” “I came ready to negotiate and settle our differences. Lord only knows what you’ll hear from her!”
W
hen one or two individuals first come to see either of us for assistance with their loving relationship, it is not uncommon to hear them say things similar to the preceding statements. Seeing a professional counselor, therapist or mediator, especially for the first time, as is revealed in this baker’s dozen of illustrative statements, understandably can be: • • • • • •
•
•
depressing (“Reality has hit me. We really do have problems.”); saddening (“I’ve tried so hard, but it hasn’t helped.”); demanding-unrealistic (“We’re paying you good money, so ‘fix us’ and be done with it!”); threatening (“My denial has worked so far. Who wants to look at the truth.”); optimistic-unrealistic (“Now that we’re in therapy, we have no more to worry about.”); embarrassing (“I have my pride, you know. And what will others think about me when they know we’re seeing a therapist?”); self-focusing (“If he doesn’t want to do anything about our situation, that’s up to him. But I’ve had it! I’m going to do this for me if that’s the way it has to be.”); scary (“I know we have some very serious problems, and I’m afraid that if we ever look at ourselves as we really are, it may be over.”);
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• • •
relieving (“We’ve talked about getting help in the past, but something always came up. Now maybe we’ll get some help and actually improve our relationship. At least now there’s some hope.”); denial inducing (“I’m not the one with the problem. If only she would just...”); anger producing (“I’ve been telling him what’s wrong for years and he just won’t listen to me… he never has!”); utterly unrealistic (“I can agree to anything, as long as it is reasonable.”)
If there is a common thread or theme to these reactions or expectations regarding professional help, it is this: Going for, receiving and benefiting from professional assistance with a loving relationship, is frequently easier said than done. Thus, in view of the possibility that someday you might find yourself thinking about seeing a professional counselor, therapist or mediator, in this chapter we will share with you some of our experiences, reflections, thoughts and suggestions that will be helpful to you. So far we have used the terms “counselor,” “therapist” and “(family) mediator” more or less interchangeably, and you may be wondering if there are differences among such professionals. Indeed, there are, although the boundaries between them are fuzzy and getting yet fuzzier with time. Nonetheless, from this point forward in the book, the terms couples or marriage counselor, therapist or relationship therapist, or mediator or family mediator, imply or mean the same: A person with at least a master’s degree in mental health counseling, marriage and family therapy, clinical social work, or a doctorate in psychology from a regionally accredited university who is licensed by his or her state to practice as such, or a person who meets these educational requirements and is certified by the Supreme Court of their state as a family mediator.
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For purposes of readability and prose, in this Chapter and beyond we also use the terms helping professional and/or professional assistant to refer to those in our profession. If you and your loved one have never talked with a helping professional before, then one of the biggest hurdles you face may be simply not knowing what to expect. One reasonable prediction, however, is that your first several sessions with a helping professional are more likely than not to be different from your expectations. The only experience most people have is their recollection of “therapy” scenes from television shows and movies. For reasons we have assumed to be due to dramatic necessities and ratings, screenwriters rarely if ever manage to create a realistic impression of therapy. The therapy process is either depicted as unstructured and trivial chit-chat, or as complete emotional breakdown and catharsis, but seldom anything in between. We hope that the actual stories from counseling sessions interposed throughout this book have helped you gain a more realistic understanding and appreciation of what actually transpires. We also hope that the material we discuss in this part of the book will help to alleviate any fears and apprehensions you might have regarding your decision to see a helping professional.
SEEKING PROFESSIONAL HELP The following will address five questions that are often asked by people who are (1) struggling with problems or issues in their loving relationships and (2) thinking about seeing a professional assistant. 1. “Why would a person go to see a professional assistant?” It has been our experience that most people go for one (or a combination) of the following reasons:
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•
•
• •
•
• •
•
Anxiety and Stress. “I spend every minute of my free time worrying about what will happen next. I can barely sleep or function anymore.” Danger associated with Anger. “Lately when we have been arguing a lot, there’s been some violence. I’m afraid that if this goes any further, one of us or possibly even one of our children may get hurt.” Pain and Hurting. “I’ve been living with a lot of emotional pain for a long time. I’m just hurting too much. I can’t take it any longer.” Guilt. “Because of what I did, I just can’t look at myself in the mirror any longer. This has to be dealt with, and now.” Helplessness. “I know that some things need to be done. We need to make some changes in our relationship. But we don’t know what to do.” Hopelessness. “The both of us have been trying to make some changes and do some things differently, but none of it seems to have made any difference. So before calling it quits, we thought maybe you could help us.” Ignorance. “We want to make things better and improve our relationship, but we just don’t know what to do.” Required. “The last time we got into an argument we started hitting each other. So the judge said that if we want to be able to have the kids with us we have to see a professional.” Improvement. “I wouldn’t say that our relationship is bad. It’s okay. But that’s the problem – it’s just okay. We love each other and have a great, fun-loving family. However, we need to try to improve our relationship because someday the kids will be grown up and out, and then it will just be the two of us.”
2. “How would I go about finding a helping professional?” Sometimes people know friends or coworkers who have seen a helping professional. “A friend recommended you to me,” is
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frequently said to helping professionals. If your employer has an employee assistance program, you may want to talk with your supervisor or call your human relations office to see whether your employee benefits program can provide any assistance to you. The Yellow Pages of your telephone book can provide the names of licensed psychologists, mental health counselors, marriage and family therapists, and clinical social workers who have expertise in assisting people with adult loving relationship issues and problems. Today, a majority of professional assistants have web sites and are listed in most or all of the commonly used Internet search engines. Alternatively, if you have health insurance, you can call your primary care physician or insurance carrier and request a referral for professionals in your area.” Many individuals have received helpful assistance from their ministers, rabbis or priests. If you see someone who is from the secular community, however, even though he or she may have other professional credentials, we still would urge you to see someone who is licensed by the official professional regulatory body in your state. 3. “What are the costs involved?” If you see someone via a community agency or a religious affiliation, costs may be nothing at all, a voluntary donation, or set on a sliding scale or a minimal rate. If you see someone through the auspices of your employer’s Employee Assistance Program, the first few visits may be free or at a very low cost. Private counseling and therapy, on the other hand, can be expensive, ranging from $75 to $150 per session. If you have health insurance and see someone who is “in network,” your only costs may be a pre-established “co-pay” fee. It may be important to remember, however, that when you ask yourselves the question, “Can I (or we) afford to see a helping professional?” you also may want to ask yourselves, “Can I (or we) afford not to?” 4. “How confidential will all of this be?”
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Licensed helping professionals in every state are required under federal law to maintain strict confidentiality (with only a few exceptions as discussed in the next paragraph). Title II of The Health Insurance Portability and Accountability Act (HIPAA), enacted by the U.S. Congress in 1996, includes a set of Administrative Simplification (AS) provisions that addresses, among other things, the security and privacy of health data. Even private helping professionals who do not accept insurance are subject to the law’s security and privacy provisions. Very serious sanctions, including forfeiture of the license to practice and even imprisonment, can result. Beyond requirements by law, moreover, helping professionals are very understanding of your desire and need to keep your information and situation confidential. The only times when a helping professional will breach confidentiality are: (a) if you are a clear and imminent danger to yourself (“If I know you are planning to jump off a bridge, I will make efforts to stop you.”); (b) if you are a clear and imminent danger to society (“If I know you are planning to harm someone else, I will take measures to prevent it.”); or (c) if subpoenaed to court by a judge. (In most states, the only three categories of individuals who have statutory confidentiality are attorneys, spouses, and ordained clergy.) In the latter case, however, because judges understand and respect the importance of confidentiality in the client-therapist relationship, very rarely will they require a helping professional to testify. As we tell our clients, “If your husband, wife, family member or best friend were to call me genuinely with your best interest at heart, without your permission, I would not even acknowledge that you have been in to see me.” Furthermore, in all cases where confidentiality is breached for the above reasons, the helping professional is required to disclose this breach of confidentiality to the client (unless it is an emergency situation or involving abuse of a child). 5. “What do I need to do to schedule an appointment?”
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When you call to schedule an appointment, be prepared to respond to the following questions from the helping professional or from his or her receptionist or intake specialist. For illustrative purposes, we have provided some examples of “typical kinds of answers” for each question: •
• •
•
•
•
•
“What is the problem or concern?” (e.g., “My wife told me about two weeks ago that she wants a divorce. I’ve been very upset ever since. I don’t know what to do. I need to talk to someone as soon as possible.”) “Who will be coming in for the appointment?” (e.g., “Both my fiancé and I.”) “Are there any special considerations that you would like us to know about?” (e.g., “My husband doesn’t know that I will be coming to see a counselor. If he found out, I know he’d really get mad. He gets violent some times. It’s important that he not know.”) “When will you be able to come in for an appointment?” (e.g., “I get out of work at about four thirty and my husband is self-employed. I’d say that we could get to your office by five o’clock any night but Monday night, when he has to close the store by himself.”) “How can we contact you if we need to?” (e.g., “My mother is living with me right now and I don’t want her to know that I’m coming to see you. Please don’t call me at home. If you need to contact me, please call me on my cell phone.” “Do you know where our office is?” (e.g., “I’m pretty sure I know where your building is. Could you please confirm the address?”) “Will you be able to get here about thirty minutes before your first appointment to complete some paperwork?” (e.g., “Yes, I will be able to do that. And my friend said that sometimes therapists may be running a little behind schedule. So just in case that happens, I’ll tell my supervisor that I won’t be back to work until around three o’clock.”)
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WHAT ARE YOUR GOALS At some point during a first counseling or therapy session, most counselors or therapists will address with their client(s) what might be reasonable goals for them to work toward. Goal-setting is an integral part of counseling and therapy. “What do you hope that we will accomplish?” is a rather frequent question. In our work with individuals and couples, we have found four critical goal-setting issues. 1. “Are you sick or are you sorry?” What we mean here is, “Do you have a deep-seated personality or biological problem that is causing your problems or difficulties? If so, we may need to consider including some psychiatric interventions in our treatment plan.” Or, is it because of situational issues – such as, “It sounds as if your life is just messed up a little right now.” If so, then our focus should possibly be on identifying ways to improve your life and your lifestyle. Or, is it a little of both?” There’s a big difference, for example, between being depressed because you have a biochemical predisposition for endogenous depression and being depressed because your mother died last month and last week your husband (or wife) asked you for a divorce! Depending upon how we and our client(s) answer this overall question and whether the problems and difficulties are relationship-specific, we then may move toward the next question. 2. “Is it you, the other person or the relationship?” What we mean by this question is: “Are you having relationship problems or difficulties because of something within you (e.g., maybe you have a commitment-phobia?), something with the other person (e.g., maybe your partner has a commitment phobia?), or is it your relationship (e.g., the two of you have difficulties communicating with each other because you remind each other of your previous spouses?) Usually, it is because of combinations of these three possibilities. Nonetheless, it is important to identify where we should focus our attention – on you, on the other person, on aspects of your relationship, or on a combination of these alternatives.
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3. “Do you want to end it, fix it, or just rest for a while?” Another important question is, “If you have any outcome expectation, would it be: (1) to end your relationship; (2) to improve or fix your relationship; or (3) to rest for awhile and decide what you want to do at a later time?” In terms of this last alternative, sometimes people simply like to get away from each other for a while, stop the arguing and fighting (e.g., “Stop the bleeding and allow each other to heal a little.”), and at a later time revisit this question and then try to decide what to do. Hopefully, your answer will be an honest one! It is not uncommon for people to come to see us with “hidden agendas.” For example, one of us recently met with a couple, and although both of them said that they wanted to improve their marriage, there was a clear impression that she wanted a divorce but was “going through the motions” so that no one could ever say she didn’t try. 4. “No, I will not help you get back to where you used to be.” People will frequently say to us, “We would like to get our marriage back to where it used to be – when we were happy and not fighting all the time.” It is a real shock to them, however, when we reply, “No, I will not help you do that.” Then, after drawing a sketch for them similar to the one in Figure 15.1 (and while they stare at each other
Figure 15.1. Going Ahead – Not Back to Where You Were.
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aghast at our statement), we point to the sketch and say, “If your relationship was all that ‘good’ in the past, you wouldn’t be here now. No, I will not help you go back. But, nonetheless, I would be most pleased to assist you in moving forward and in establishing a loving relationship like the one you would like to have.” Usually when this happens, they look at each other and at us with (1) a genuine appreciation for what we are saying to them and (2) an agreement that “upward and onward” is ultimately where they want to go. It generally takes more than one session to identify specifically where an individual or a couple wants to go. We usually suggest, nonetheless, that it is important to have some general idea of where you would like to be heading before we start going anywhere.
ONE THERAPIST, ONE CLIENT When a client asks Dr. Emener, “In addition to seeing me, would you also work with me and my husband (or wife)?” or when a couple asks him, “Would you see us individually as well as work with us as a couple?” he typically will respond with, “No.” He then proceeds to explain to them what he means when he says, “I can only have one client.” When I first began working as a therapist, toward the end of my first session with a married couple they asked if I would see them separately. I said, “Yes.” The following week I met with Richard. During our session, he said to me, “About a year ago my receptionist was on maternity leave for six weeks. I hired a replacement receptionist from an employment agency. She was very good and did an excellent job. On her last day at work, I took everyone in the office out for drinks to celebrate her good work and, in effect, to thank her. As the evening wore on, it eventually came down to the two of us in the lounge by ourselves. And to make a long story short, we wound up back at her apartment and made love for the rest of the night. It was wonderful. But I have never seen her again.” We briefly processed that experience and it was rather clear to me that it was not a significant issue for Richard nor was it particularly pertinent to his
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marital problems at the present time. The following week, however, when I was meeting with both Richard and his wife, Sally, she unsolicitedly said to me, “One of the things I have always admired about Richie is that he has never cheated on me.” Richard immediately looked at me and inhaled for about four minutes! Needless to say, I also was extremely uncomfortable. If I had said anything to Sally about what Richard had told me, I would have betrayed Richard’s trust and confidence. And by not saying anything to Sally, I felt that I was somehow betraying her trust and confidence as well. So, since that time, except for very rare occasions, I will only work with one client: him, her, or him and her. Some professional counselors and therapists do not subscribe to Bill Emener’s position on this and they are very effective in their work. For example, when Bill Lambos is acting in the role of a courtcertified family mediator, different rules apply and his clients are informed about this from the beginning of their interactions with him. In addition, there are occasions in which Bill Lambos will agree to see a couple both separately and conjointly, as long as the identified client remains the couple. In such cases, rules for confidentiality are carefully discussed with his clients prior to seeing either person separately. Nevertheless, in our roles as psychologists, counselors and therapists, we will agree to treat one client and only one client in a given family or relationship. Occasionally one of our clients will invite his or her spouse or loved one to a session or two, but on such occurrences it is very quickly established that: (1) he or she is our client; (2) there are specific reasons and goals for which the other person is being invited; and, (3) the other person is meeting with us by his or her (our client’s) invitation. If we are working with one person and it is clear that he or she and their loved one or spouse need to see a marriage counselor or marital therapist, we recommend them to another helping professional specifically for that reason. The same applies if we are working with a couple and one of them needs to work on some individual, personal issues: we will recommend that he or she see a helping professional individually specifically for that reason. Our experience has been that
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this approach works very well for us and for the people with whom we work. Thus, we would suggest that you try to understand the principles we are addressing here and not feel offended if your individual helping professional refuses to simultaneously see you and your spouse or loved one and vice versa.
WANTS AND WILLINGNESSES It is not all that difficult for most people to identify what they want in or from their relationship. Moreover, these relationship wants and needs most often can be obtained quickly if the other person would do what he or she is convinced the other person easily could do if he or she only wanted to. As Charlotte said to Henry, “You know, my dear, these things that you want in our marriage are also things I want in our marriage. However, every time I listen to you, I’m the one who has to change, work harder, or make sacrifices in order for us to have these things that we both want. What are you willing to do?” As you have seen throughout this book, one of the techniques we occasionally employ is to ask both individuals to accept a homework assignment. With respect to wants and willingness, we ask each of them to individually, and without consulting the other, bring the following two lists to our next session: 1. Things You Want In, or From, Your Relationship; and for each of the things on list 1., a corollary listing or indication of 2. What You Are Willing To Do To Get and Have Them. Then at our next session we discuss both lists and try to identify common Wants and Willingnesses. This process is designed not only to help people improve their relationship by getting more of what each wants and by sharing the responsibilities for getting them, but also to help them learn (1) how to work together cooperatively to
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WILLINGNESS TO WORK As suggested elsewhere in this book, there are differences between the desire, capacity and willingness to love you and to have a good loving relationship with you. An example of the desire to love you and to have a good loving relationship with you is in the simple statement, “I would like such things to happen.” An example of the capacity for such things is, “I would like such things if I am able to do what it may take to have them.” An example of the willingness for such things, however, is, “I would like such things to happen and I am willing to work, sacrifice, and do whatever it takes for us to have them.” As Karen once said to her fiancé, Ralph, “You say that you love me with all your heart and that you love me with as much love as you have to offer. There are some things in our relationship that you and I both want, but you are not willing to do anything, make any changes or inconvenience yourself in any way in order for us to have them. And that, Ralph, is what I struggle with the most! I believe that if you really wanted some of these things you say you want, then you would be willing to do something or at least try to do something about them. You would like to have many things in our relationship, but you don’t really want them. If you did, you’d do something about them, but those things would take time, effort and energy. You talk the talk, but you don’t walk the walk!”
If it is true that our willingness to work for things is an indication of how much we value them, then we would suggest that Karen is expressing an important aspect of a loving relationship worthy of your consideration as you (and your loved one) think about, analyze and attempt to improve your loving relationship. This is why we
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typically will ask people directly or indirectly, “Are you willing to invest some time, effort and energy into getting what you want?”
BE YOUR BEST TO GIVE YOUR BEST “Are you willing to invest time, effort and energy into being the best you can be?” This is another important question helping professionals frequently ask. If you go to see a helping professional because you have problems and difficulties associated with a loving relationship, don’t be surprised if you are asked, “What are you doing to take care of yourself?” Two assumption underly this query: (1) in a “good” loving relationship, I take care of me, you take care of you, both of us are attentive to and supportive of each other, and both of us are attentive to and supportive of our relationship; and (2) if I don’t take care of me or you don’t take care of you, then both of us and our relationship are in trouble. As is suggested throughout this book: The most important thing you offer your loved one is yourself.
Thus, if one of your goals is to have a “good” loving relationship with someone you love (now or in the future), then it makes sense to offer your loved one something that’s highly valuable and worthwhile – you at your best. “Be the best you can be for your own benefit, and I will also benefit from your being your best!”
REAL VERSUS SOCIAL RECOVERY The summer season had finally come into full swing when Dr. Emener first met Gloria, a twenty-nine-year-old dental assistant, who said, “I love the beach. I used to go all the time, but I have yet to put a toe in the water.” Approximately six months before seeing Bill, her husband had filed for divorce. He said to her, “I’m sorry, Gloria, but I have fallen in love with another woman.” Gloria went into a severe
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depression. She became socially dysfunctional, missed many days of work, and “basically became a shut-in who never went out except to go to work, go to the store or take out the garbage.” When Dr. Emener asked her why she came to see him, she said, “I am tired of just existing. I want to start living again.” As they were discussing some goals to consider working toward, they agreed to begin by focusing on some relatively “simple” things such as going to a movie with her mother, to dinner with a girlfriend, and, possibly, a walk on the beach with a coworker. It is important to remember that when Bill first met Gloria, goals such as these were not “simple.” Pointedly, she said, “I will have to work up to them. Remember, I’ve been a shut-in for the past six months!” We are pleased to report that over the next six months, Gloria became more and more successful in going out and doing things. When Gloria came to a session six months later, about a week before Christmas, she entered Dr. Emener’s office feeling really good about herself and said, “On Saturday afternoon I went shopping by myself and then met a girlfriend for dinner and a movie. I’m so proud of myself!” During their first session that January, they began talking about her deep feelings of anger and rejection. Further along, they discussed the fears of abandonment that Gloria had lived with since she was a child who “went from foster home to foster home.” That March, she began going out on some dates with men whom she had known and “felt safe with.” When she came to their first session in June, she said, “Roy and I joined a sailing club together. He’s really cool. We have been enjoying some great times together lately. It was a year ago yesterday, Dr. Emener, that I saw you for the first time. I sure have come a long way. I’m really proud of myself!” Gloria then pulled a piece of paper out of her purse. It had a diagram on it like the one in Figure 15.2. It was the diagram that Bill had sketched for her in March. As she developed better coping skills, slowly taking some risks, such as going out with her girlfriends and then occasionally going out with men, her coping skills continued
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Figure 15.2. Real (Psychological) versus Social (“As If”) Recovery.
to improve and her “As If - Social Recovery” was steadily improving. Her inner, personal, psychological improvement and recovery, however, lagged behind a little, and that certainly was understandable. The more she went out and acted as if she were adjusted, the better she felt about herself; and the better she felt about herself, the more she felt comfortable going out and acting as if she had adjusted. “In other words,” she said to Dr. Emener, “as I continued to accomplish my social recovery goals, the easier it was for me to accomplish my psychological recovery goals.” Interestingly, she had carried the sketch around in her purse, “just as a reminder of my progress whenever I needed a pick-me-up.” If or when you go to see a helping professional about a difficulty or problem in a loving relationship, especially if you are down and out from a painful breakup, don’t be surprised if you begin by establishing “Social Recovery” goals and then focusing on your “Psychological Recovery” goals at a later, more comfortable time. For example, when Gloria and Dr. Emener discussed and processed her progress over the year during which he had been working with her, she said, “The goals we started out with were reasonable and
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realistic. I was really down when I first came to see you! When we later worked on my heavier, psychological issues, I was ready. It’s like the old cliché, ‘It’s hard to contemplate draining the lake when you're up to your ass in alligators’.”
WHAT ARE MY/OUR OPTIONS? In addition to discussing goals with you, such as “Social Recovery” goals and “Psychological Recovery” goals, a helping professional also may suggest that you discuss “Options” that may be available to you. During Dr. Emener’s first session with Billie, a forty-one-year-old stock broker, they discussed her sixteen year marriage to Joe, a claims adjuster for an insurance company. They had two teenaged children. She added, however, that she had been feeling “totally unloved by Joe for the past eight years.” Toward the end of their session, after telling Bill all of the things she had done to try to improve her relationship with Joe, she said, “Well, what are my options?” Dr. Emener responded with, “What options do you see?” After pondering that question for a few moments, she said, “Well, let’s see. One, I could stay married to Joe and meet my needs for love and affection from my children and my relatives. Two, I could stay married to Joe and have affairs. Three, I could try to negotiate a separation. Four, I could file for divorce. Or Five, I could see if Joe would be willing to come in with me for marriage counseling.” Dr. Emener suggested to Billie that, as a homework assignment, it might be helpful to write out her five options and generate a list of the pros and cons for each option. She agreed that that would be a helpful thing for her to do and that she would bring her lists to their next session. About two weeks later, Bill received a short note in the mail from Billie. It read, “I wrote out my lists. That was helpful for me. However, I cancelled my next appointment with you – Joe and I are seeing a marriage counselor next week. I truly am hoping for the best.
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If it doesn’t work out, I’ll get back in touch with you. Thanks for your help, Billie.” We do not know what happened with Billie and Joe. Dr. Emener never heard from her again. Occasionally, there are times in our lives when we get caught up in our emotions and feelings, times when we cannot think clearly in terms of where we are, what our options are, and ultimately what we want. And as simple as it sounds, sometimes just verbalizing our feelings and thinking through our options can be extremely helpful. Thus, if you go to talk with a helping professional about a difficulty or problem you may be having with a loving relationship, don’t be surprised if he or she asks, “What are your options?” We remain optimistic and truly believe that it was a good question for Billie to have addressed. ****** Seeing a helping professional can be very scary. He or she will probably be honest with me. If my loved one goes with me, he or she also may be honest with me. I may be honest with him or her. I may even be honest… with myself. Not only that, I may be sharing my truths with someone else. I trust, however, that my counselor will help me deal with the pain of my discovery.
Chapter Sixteen
HOW A PROFESSIONAL COUNSELOR, THERAPIST OR FAMILY MEDIATOR CAN BE HELPFUL TO YOU
A
s we learned in the previous chapter, there is a multitude of things that helping professionals can do to help you (or you and your loved one) with your relationship. Many of them already have been discussed throughout this book. Nonetheless, there are some specific things that we repeatedly have experienced to be helpful, both directly and indirectly, to many people with whom we have worked. These are presented and discussed in this chapter. Please do not assume, however, that because we discuss specific therapy techniques in this chapter (or anywhere else in this book) that they necessarily would be appropriate or requisite for you. Rather, they are illustrative examples of some of the things that professional assistants can or may do – not necessarily things that the counselor or therapist you may see will or should do. All people, all relationships and all helping professionals are different. Each is unique, as is every client who seeks their assistance. Fittingly, your experience with your professional of choice will be unique – unique for you and for him or her as well.
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RESPONSIBILITY: CAUSE ⇔ CURE; PAST ⇔ FUTURE If you have ever seen the (admittedly silly) film The Cannonball Run with Burt Reynolds, you may remember a scene in which the Italian contestant gets in his Ferrari and immediately rips the rearview mirror and throws it out the window. When his driving partner looks at him as if he is crazy, he smiles and in a thick Umbrian accent replies, “What’s-a-behind us, does not-a-matter!” Dr. Lambos often uses this scene in therapy sessions as a vehicle (pun intended) for demonstrating two very important and related points about solving relationship problems: First, to focus on the past instead of the future is often counterproductive; more often than not, it directs focus on perpetuating the problem rather than on finding a solution. Second and closely related to this, focusing on who is responsible for the problem instead of what to do about it typically contributes little towards finding a resolution. We suggest that when choosing how to deal with a relationship issue with your helping professional, you decide whether it is more important to feel selfrighteous by laying blame at your partner’s feet or to fix the problem and in doing so, strengthen and/or save the relationship. Like it or not, it is often impossible to achieve both – one must make a choice. The vast majority of rational people in a meaningful relationship – one sufficiently important to them to warrant investing in professional assistance – will choose the latter, as long as they realize that is the choice before them. Along these lines, Dr. Emener is reminded of his first therapy session with Rick and Susan. Rick was the floor supervisor at a large auto repair shop and Susan was a regional account executive at a well-known business firm in the local community. They had been married for four years and had a two-year-old daughter. “We came to see you,” Rick said, “because our marriage seems to be falling helplessly apart and we don’t know what to do about it.” Susan quickly interjected, “For about two months I had a brief affair with a gentleman in another city. It is all my fault. If Rick would just be patient with me, I could fix it.”
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As their conversation continued, Bill drew a diagram for them similar to the diagram in Figure 16.1. When he completed the ninecell diagram (a “contingency table” in the social sciences), he put
Figure 16.1. Who’s Responsible for the Cause and the Cure.
Susan’s name in the upper left cell, the “me-me” cell, and said, “Susan, it sounds like you see yourself as having been the cause of your marital problems and you also see yourself as being the source of the cure for your marital problems.” Bill then put Rick’s name in the bottom right cell, the “us-us” cell, and said, “Rick, you are suggesting that the two of you are the cause of your marital problems and therefore the two of you should be the primary sources of the cure for your marital problems.” Their facial expressions and nods indicated that they understood what Bill
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was saying to them. At that point he put “X’s” through Susan’s and Rick’s names on the diagram, drew an arrow from “cause” to “cure” and said to them, “I suggest that we redirect our attention away from identifying who was or is the cause of your marital problems and focus more of our attention on identifying ways by which you can improve your relationship. In my many years as a marital and relationship therapist, I repeatedly have discovered that attention to ‘Whose fault it is?’ has seldom resolved or fixed anything! Faulting, shaming and blaming very rarely will ever improve or fix a relationship.” To reiterate, attention on who was or is the cause of relationship difficulties or problems, seldom ever helps people move toward resolution, repair or improvement. To wit, Rick said to Susan, “Okay, I agree. Let’s quit blaming each other and ourselves for our problems. Let’s focus our attention on what we can do to improve our relationship.”
APPRECIATION AND UNDERSTANDING A second issue that bears on the course of counseling, therapy or mediation, is isolating concerns that have what we refer to as “dealbreaker” status. Deal-breakers are things about one’s partner or the relationship that must be addressed or the relationship will fail. When prioritizing issues on which to work, it helps greatly to isolate these deal-breakers and work on them first and foremost. Not to do so may be analogous to attending to a sprained finger while the patient is bleeding from the carotid artery! In addition, resolving the dealbreakers often lessens the importance of those other, merely irritating things that a couple can live with, helping the couple to see such smaller imperfections as less important. An example of this process from Dr. Emener’s practice illustrates these points nicely. When Sam and Lisa came to see Dr. Emener, they told him that they had been living together for about two years, were engaged to be married the following spring, but were having some serious problems
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in their relationship. Sam had recently graduated from law school, which indeed had taken up much of his time, and Lisa had recently graduated from nursing school, which also had taken up much time. “We have been living together for the last two years,” Lisa said, “and now that we have finished school and have more time to spend with each other, we don’t know each other! Sometimes it seems that the only thing we do is argue all the time.” In addition to recommending a self-help book, Bill invited them to participate in a homework assignment. Although he asked them to read the book together, thus constituting a joint experience, he also asked them each to do something alone without any consultation with each other – to make three lists (if these lists seem familiar, it is because you may have seen them before, specifically in Chapter Two our companion book, My Loving Relationships): List I. “Things that I like, love and cherish about ______.” Basically, what are those things that you like, love and cherish about each other? What are those things about each other that you hope will never change? These are the things about each other that significantly contribute to the fact that you love each other as much as you do. List II. “Things that I wish were different about ______, but it’s okay that they aren’t.” These are the things about each other that you wish were different, such as “She always leaves hair in the sink,” “He never puts the cap back on the toothpaste,” “She never puts gas in the car when she uses it,” and “No matter how many times I tell him, he always leaves the toilet seat up.” Although these are things about each other that you wish were different, they are things that you can live with. These can be thought of as annoyances. List III. “Things that I wish were different about ______, and they need fixin’.” These are things about each other that you not only wish were different, but that bother you so much that they could be relationship threatening.
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For example, “I get annoyed when you leave the newspapers lying all over the house (list II.), but when you get angry at me and avoid me and don’t talk to me for three days, I can’t stand it (list III.). That is something I just cannot nor will not tolerate.” When they left Bill’s office, they assured him that they would purchase and read the self-help book he recommended and bring their three lists to the next session. Bill reminded Sam and Lisa that for a multitude of understandable reasons, they did not appreciate or understand each other, each other’s perception of their relationship, and each other’s frustrations with each other and with their relationship. This homework assignment was designed primarily to assist them in enhancing their appreciation and understanding of such things.
I COULD DO – YOU COULD DO Three weeks later when Sam and Lisa came to their second session, they briefly discussed the self-help book and what they had learned from it. Dr. Emener then laid out copies of their three lists for all to see. He invited each of them to share and talk through with each other (not with him) what they had written. At the conclusion, they indeed had experienced an enhanced and enriched understanding of and appreciation for: (1) some of the reasons why they loved each other as much as they did; (2) some of the things that each of them had been doing that were very frustrating to each other; and (3) those things about each other and their relationship that definitely needed to be addressed. As Sam said, “I was not surprised to hear most of the things on her lists. Nonetheless, it was helpful to hear them. Importantly, however, there were some things on her list that I did not expect, and let me tell you, I truly believe I now understand and appreciate her much more than I did ever before.” Lisa tearfully replied, “Sam, I feel so loved by you. And I want our relationship to work. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I only hope that now we will be willing to do what ever it may take to
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make it work.” Sam held her in his arms and gave her the most tender yet forceful hug one could imagine. At the end of the session, Bill invited them to participate in another homework assignment, asking each of them to make two more lists: List 1. “Things that I could do to improve and enhance our relationship.” and, List 2. “Things that you could do to improve and enhance our relationship.” “In other words,” Sam said, “my first list would be a list of those things that I could do to make our relationship better and my second list would be a list of things that I think Lisa could do to improve our relationship.” Bill nodded. When they left the office, their arms around each other, they promised him, and more importantly, each other, that they would work on their two lists and bring them to their next session. About one week later, Bill received a call from Lisa. She wanted to tell him that the two of them had completed their two lists, their impatience had gotten the better of them and they went out to dinner and shared their lists with each other, and were already starting to do some of the things they had put on their lists to improve their relationship. “Is that okay?” she asked. With genuine joy in his heart, Bill replied, “Lisa, that’s wonderful! You are improving your relationship; keep doing what you are doing!” She began to cry. By the end of the conversation, it was clear that Lisa and Sam had turned the corner. The couple canceled their next scheduled appointment because they saw no need for them to come back. Lisa added, “I have, and Sam has, every reason to believe that things will continue to improve for us. If we need to come see you, we will call and schedule an
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appointment. If not, we will be sure to send you a wedding invitation.” Bill did not attend their wedding, but an invitation arrived about four months later. It’s still on his bulletin board.
ANALYZE THE LOVE IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP Time spent with a helping professional is of a dual nature. In one sense, it is often intense due to emotions that arise when defense mechanisms such as denial and avoidance are disabled, and therefore the time can be as frightening as it can be rewarding. Moreover, time in the office of a professional assistant is, for most people, necessarily limited. It is expensive if one goes on a self-pay basis and/or subject to insurance plan restrictions if paid for via a third party. (Clients and even insurers often forget the high costs that accrue over the many years of study and internship prior to become a licensed counselor, therapist or mediator.) The point of this is that to get the most “bang for your buck” from professional help, it is very important to prioritize things so that the serious issues are dealt with first. For example, Dr. Lambos typically approaches therapy with a new couple by addressing concerns in the following order: 1. Goals are set, rules are clarified and boundaries are established. 2. Sensitive or emotionally difficult areas are identified so that they can be approached with a minimum of discomfort to each partner. 3. Issues are listed in order, from most to least critical. The “deal-breakers” are at the top of the list. 4. The issues in (#3) are addressed in order, with appropriate heed to (#2), until the clients feel that no more sessions are necessary (at least for the time being).
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On the other hand, some clients may be unable to identify their problems so readily. All they know is that something isn’t working, and they leave the rest up to the helping professional. In our day and age of increasingly sophisticated clients, this is rarer than it used to be, yet it still occurs often enough that a good professional assistant will need to have a Plan B. Dr. Emener has found that for such couples, analyzing the love in the relationship can serve this purpose quite well. During his first session with Tom and Mary, who had been married for a little over three years and were having “serious marital problems,” Dr. Emener drew a triangle similar to the one in Figure 16.2. He then said to them, “Based primarily on my experiences as a therapist, I believe there are three important sides of love – intimacy, passion, and commitment. (Readers may recall this Love Triangle from Chapter One; it is displayed in Figure 1.2). After discussing these three aspects of love with them, Dr. Emener then asked them to use a ten-point scale to individually rate the extent to which they felt there was intimacy, passion and commitment in their relationship. A rating of “1” would represent “very little,” and a rating of “10” would represent “very high.” They both agreed to participate in the exercise. Tom, however, reached for a pad and pen and said, “If I may, Dr. Emener, I would like to suggest that there are four aspects of love – intimacy, passion, commitment, and activity. I believe that Mary and I understand what we are talking about in the areas of intimacy, passion, and commitment. However, activity, which I think of as ‘how we spend our time?’ is an equally important aspect of our relationship.” Mary agreed and the two of them independently gave a rating from 1 to 10 on the four aspects. Interestingly, both of them tended to give fairly high ratings to passion and commitment (7s and 8s), low to moderate ratings on intimacy (5s and 6s) and very low ratings to activity (2s and 3s). As the discussion unfolded, it became clear to Tom and Mary that “we were not spending enough time with each other.” Mary, who had a full-time job as a school teacher and was very involved in local tennis tournaments, did not spend large blocks of quality time with Tom.
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Likewise, Tom, an insurance salesman who worked fifty to sixty hours per week and was very involved in his sailing club, “had very few blocks of quality time to spend with Mary.”
Figure 16.2. Analyze the Love in Your Relationship.
Toward the end of their conversation, Tom said, “It seems to me, Mary, that we have a lot of love in our hearts for each other and we feel very committed to each other and our relationship. The problem seems to be that we do not spend enough quality time with each other and, as a result, our relationship is like a sandbar of intimacy!” With tears streaming down her face, Mary replied, “Tom, I am willing to give up some of my tennis tournaments. From now on I
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will devote two weekends a month exclusively to you and our relationship.” Tom, his eyes also welling up, replied, “And I, Mary, simply will not enter so many sailing races. Or maybe I could accompany you to some of your tennis tournaments or you could be with me on the boat for some of my races?” While holding Tom’s hands next to her face, Mary said, “Tom, maybe those details don’t matter – as long as we spend some quality time together.” As Tom and Mary experienced during their first session, it can be very helpful to identify what aspects of their love and relationship need to be focused on and attended to. Appropriately, it is not uncommon for a counselor or therapist to ask you and your loved one, “What aspects of your love and your relationship do we need to focus on? What is it that needs fixin’?”
STRUCTURE YOUR SCHEDULE, INCLUDING TIME FOR PSYCHOLOGICAL VACATIONS Another recommendation we offer clients is to plan their daily, weekly, monthly and yearly activities, not only with their family, but with each other. For example, it might be helpful if the two partners could plan to have at least one meaningful heart-to-heart conversation per day, even if it’s only for fifteen minutes before retiring for the night. Likewise, if a couple can plan to do at least one thing together per week, maybe spend a whole day or weekend together per month and annually take at least one week-long vacation together, just the two of them, it helps them to remain in touch with and connected with one another. It is very easy for adults in loving relationships to be distracted from each other and from their relationship by family, occupational and other responsibilities. It also is easy to assume that because the couple is receiving professional assistance, they must wait to enjoy the relationship until therapy has ended. Neither of these assumptions
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is warranted and can only add to the strain of already fragile relationships. Many times when we have asked individuals in longterm, loving relationships, “When is the last time the two of you went away on a three or more day vacation together, just the two of you?” they have looked at each other, then looked at us and said, “We can’t remember.” The love that two people feel for each other and from each other is many times vested in the time they spend with each other and the things they do with each other. In a nutshell, if your relationship is important to you, plan your daily, weekly, monthly and yearly activities so that the two of you don’t accidentally drift apart and one day look at each other as if looking at a stranger. Likewise, don’t assume that you can’t enjoy one another while you are seeing a professional. If your loved one and your relationship with your loved one is important to you, don’t look for time to spend with him or her – make the time. A related issue with respect to structuring and scheduling time is the concept of time-out periods. When a couple is working with a helping professional, it also is important to remember that they cannot be “in therapy” or “in mediation” for the entire, 24/7 time period. Although much important work and change is accomplished in the space between sessions, a couple must also realize that for therapy to be successful, the partners must find or set aside time to be together, put the issues “on hold” and enjoy their relationship even as it is evolving. We like to call these time-out periods “psychological vacations.” If you spend large amounts of time with your loved one, doing and enjoying things together, yet feel that neither of you can be yourself or have forgotten the “essence” of your partner, maybe it is time for the two of you to take a psychological break.
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MEDIATION AS AN ALTERNATIVE TO COUNSELING AND THERAPY Family or couples mediation was once reserved for the couple undergoing divorce, and of course, mediation remains a valuable alternative to the family court system. It is increasingly common, however, for couples to seek the help of a family mediator to strengthen a marriage or relationship rather than to help dissolve the relationship amicably. This is sometimes referred to as “therapeutic mediation.” Your authors find this term confusing, however, and prefer to simply recognize that mediation is a technique for resolving disputes that can and do involve keeping a relationship intact and/or strengthening it, as opposed to only helping to dissolve it. What is the difference between a family or couples mediator and a family or couples therapist? Less than one might think. In fact, many family mediators are also licensed therapists and vice versa. (Bill Lambos is an example.) A mediator is a specialist in alternative dispute resolution. The alternatives include attorneys, the family court system, nonprofessionals, and other helping professionals. The biggest difference between a family mediator and a family therapist is in focus: whereas a family therapist is more often than not focused on improving a relationship by helping individuals change their perceptions, feelings and behaviors related to the relationship, a mediator places the emphasis on the nature of a dispute. Think of a mediator as part King Solomon. She or he is a neutral and impartial third party whose job is to help find a solution. But unlike King Solomon, mediation is not binding unless the parties sign some type of agreement upon its conclusion – the mediator may never impose a solution. Mediation is an excellent alternative to counseling or therapy for situations when the couple’s difficulties revolve around external factors as opposed to internal psychological ones. What kinds of disputes can be mediated? In fact, there is almost nothing that cannot in principle be mediated. Within the context of existing relationships, Dr. Lambos has mediated prenuptial agreements, disputes over how money is allocated, childrearing
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guidelines, behavioral contracts for couples in recovery from substance and even Internet addiction, rules and boundaries regarding in-laws and blended family issues, and other disagreements too numerous to list. Understandably, some couples that don’t feel they need therapy or counseling will readily agree to see a mediator. There is one important difference between mediation and therapy, however. By ethical and legal standards, one individual cannot be both a therapist and a mediator to the same individual or couple. The hallmarks of mediation are the mediator’s impartiality and neutrality. The focus is always on the disputed issue and how to achieve a solution amenable to both parties. A therapist, on the other hand, may well advise one member of the couple that he or she is the person with the problem and needs to change. Simply put, therapists are trained to help people change, whereas mediators are trained to help people agree. This leads to a simple rule of thumb when deciding which type of helping professional might best serve the needs of you and your significant other: If the two of you are seeking help to overcome personal issues that negatively impact the relationship, then it is usually best to seek counseling or therapy.
However… If you have a disagreement about a thing or a situation and both parties have dug in their heels, so to speak, then mediation is usually advised.
In neither case does seeking one type of assistant over the other necessarily depend on whether the goal is to dissolve or repair the relationship. Therapists can be vital resources for couples ending a relationship or undergoing divorce, and mediators can keep a couple together by helping resolve an ongoing and intractable dispute.
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BENEFITS OF SUPPORT GROUPS During her first visit to Dr. Emener, Elaine said, “After six years of marriage, Ed told me he wanted a divorce. I still believe that he was in love with another woman. I don’t really know. I just think so. Our divorce was finalized about a month ago. I just feel so lonely, scared and depressed.” In addition to talking at length about Elaine’s feelings, lifestyle and future plans, Bill suggested a self-help book for her and also that she join a support group at a women’s center not far from where she lived. When she came for their next session, she told him that she had called the center and found out that there was a divorce-support group that met every Thursday evening for two hours. She went for an initial screening interview and then had gone to two of the meetings. “The book you recommended to me was very helpful,” Elaine said, then adding, “It helped me understand some things better. Furthermore, many of the things you and I talked about at our first session have helped me understand why I am experiencing some things. However, I cannot thank you enough for recommending that support group to me – it really has been helpful. Seeing some of the anger in others, I can identify and relate to some of the anger within. There also are some women in the group who are further along than I am, and it is encouraging to see that this kind of thing can be survived. I also have befriended a couple of the women in the group. We occasionally talk on the phone during the week, and this coming weekend one of the ladies and I are going out to dinner together. All of this has just been terrific for me.” Not everyone needs or benefits from participation in a support group. On the other hand, however, support groups, especially those that are led and facilitated by a professional counselor or therapist, can be extremely beneficial and helpful to many people who are experiencing difficulties, problems and lifestyle adjustment concerns related to previous, current and/or future loving relationships. Thus, if your counselor or therapist suggests that you join a support group,
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seriously consider participating – it indeed could be very helpful to you. ****** It is important for us to think about and learn from our past. It is important for us to think and plan for our future. Professional assistants can help us do such things. It is most important for us to be – in the present. When you see a helping professional, you will be – in the present.
Chapter Seventeen
SOME SUGGESTIONS ABOUT GETTING HELP FROM A PROFESSIONAL
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he extent to which you, your loved one and your relationship may or may not benefit from seeing a professional assistant is highly influenced by your viewpoints, attitudes, anticipations and opinions regarding helping professionals. To wit, we trust that your understanding of and appreciation for the notions discussed in this chapter will help you get the most from your experience of seeking professional help.
WE HELP YOU HELP YOURSELF It is not uncommon for an individual to come to one of us and say, “I would like you to tell me what to do about my relationship with my loved one.” Nor is it uncommon for a couple to come to one of us and say, “We would like you to fix our relationship for us.” For philosophical and professional reasons, our responses to these two statements tend to fall into the category of routine. First of all, neither we nor other qualified and competent helping professionals tell people what to do in or with their lives. Rather, helping professionals offer analysis and the opportunity for exploration and reflection in order for you to determine where you
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want to go in, and what you want to do with, your life. Your life is your life – you must be the individual making the decision. Secondly, we frequently remind people who come to see us that as professional assistants, we choose not to fix, nor could we fix, them or their relationship for them. An individual may be able to go to his or her dentist, lie down in the chair, be put to sleep, and with minimal cooperation allow the dentist to fix his or her teeth. But as helping professionals, we can no more help people than we can climb inside their heads or take their place in the relationship. Our goal is to help individuals help themselves. The somewhat familiar analogy that we may use is, “Give a person a fish, and you have taken care of their hunger today. Teach a person how to fish, and you have taken care of their hunger forever.” With regard to these two philosophical issues, we have been known to say to our clients things such as, “I will be your limo driver for this short period of your journey. But you will need to tell me where you want to go – remember, I’m only the driver,” and “I prefer to think of myself as the coach and cheerleader on the sidelines; you are the player who will go out onto the field and do the work to win the game.” Thus, do not be surprised if you go to see a counselor or therapist and he or she (1) does not agree to tell you what to do; or (2) does not agree to solve your problems for you. Counselors and therapists are there to help you help yourself.
AVOID QUICK-FIX TEMPTATIONS Professional help entails doing hard work, and more often than not it results in experiencing temporary discomfort as you learn to accept your own need to grow and change. On the other hand, it often results in substantial rewards in terms of relief from suffering and improvements in happiness. For example, Dr. Emener recalls a particular occasion when a couple came to see him because of serious marital problems. About one month prior to seeing him, they had taken a one-week cruise together through the Mediterranean,
Some Suggestions about Getting Help from a Professional 269 believing that “the cruise would fix our relationship.” It didn’t work. It is interesting to note, moreover, that they said to him, “Only three things happened as a result of our cruise: we came back with good tans; we both gained weight; and we added $3500 to our credit card balance. But the truth of the matter is that the basic nature of our relationship didn’t change one bit.” Enriching, enhancing, improving and “fixing” a troubled loving relationship, is not accomplished by one event or one purchase. Improving a loving relationship involves a process over time, one that can be fraught with much emotional upheaval. Moreover, it typically also involves commitment, work and change. As Dr. Lambos recently said to a couple with whom he was working, “In therapy, the reward is usually commensurate with, or equal to, the effort expended. It is therefore important that if you want a large return on your investment in therapy, you must try to avoid looking for easy solutions to complex problems.” Thus, as enticing as it may be, try to be careful and not get caught up in the temptation to look for quick fixes.
AVOID SUBCONSCIOUS SABOTAGE Change can sometimes be very difficult to maintain. Repetition, routine and continuing to do what we have always done, can be comforting and much less threatening than doing something different. And if you, or you and your loved one, start trying to do things differently, for your individual and collective benefits, be sensitive to the possibility that either or both of you might subconsciously sabotage your progress in order to go back to doing what for years was familiar and therefore relatively comfortable. A skilled helping professional will assist you in recognizing when you are slipping back into old patterns, and do his or her best to put you or the relationship back on the track toward change and improvement.
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THE PARALYSIS OF ANALYSIS Toward the end of Dr. Emener’s third session with Ken and Tina, he said to them, “I have the feeling that sometimes the two of you are almost afraid to do anything with or for each other for fear that it might be wrong.” They looked at each other, smiled with a little laughter and said, “That’s interesting – we were just talking about that last night!” Ken then added, “Just this morning I was saying to Tina that I am coming to believe that some of the true joy people have in life comes from living life, not analyzing it.” When we are attempting to enrich, enhance, improve and strengthen a loving relationship, it is important that we are analytical and try to understand what is going on. Nonetheless, it is equally important for us to be sensitive to the possibility that a penchant for analyzing things can be psychologically paralyzing and render us less spontaneous, less authentic and less natural than we would want or prefer to be. This is an important point, and raises another closely related issue that we looked at in Chapter Sixteen: one cannot be in therapy 24/7 and still have a relationship or a worthwhile life. Although many of the positive results of professional help occur as a result of changes people undergo between (rather than during) sessions, there must be substantial time-out periods from the work of therapy. We refer the reader to the previous chapter, as well as to the next section of the present one, for a more detailed look at this issue.
STAY FOCUSED ON THE PRESENT In his book The Art of Happiness, the Dalai Lama continually emphasizes that the past is gone forever and the future has not yet occurred. Therefore, happiness can be found only in the present. Regardless of your personal opinion about Buddhist philosophy, we believe he makes an excellent point.
Some Suggestions about Getting Help from a Professional 271 For example, when Angela was telling Dr. Emener about the difficulties in her relationship with Troy, he followed up their discussion regarding her possible “paralysis of analysis” issues: “Angela, I suggest that when you are on a date or doing something with Troy that you try to stay focused on what is going on with you and what is going on with the two of you. Try to stay attuned to how you are feeling at the moment. Try to remain focused on yourself, Troy and your relationship with Troy.” Smiling in agreement, Angela said, “In other words, you are suggesting that I save my reflections and forecasts for when I get home.” “Yes,” Bill replied, “and the reason why I am suggesting this to you, Angela, is that you had indicated to me that Troy was beginning to get frustrated with your increasing desire to talk about what the two of you had done or experienced in the past, or about what you plan to do in the future. I believe it is important for us to reflect on our past experiences and learn from them, to think about our future experiences and plan for them, but also to stay focused primarily on the present – on what we are doing at the moment.” The next day Bill received a telephone call from Angela in which she said to him, “Last night Troy and I went for a long walk after dinner. I tried what we talked about yesterday and it was wonderful; we had more fun together than ever before.”
STAGES OF CHANGE EFFORTS A well-known psychologist named Dr. James O. Prochaska and his colleagues have developed a widely accepted and much studied model of the stages of individual change called the transtheoretical model of change. Although this model is now applied and taught in many areas of health psychology (in particular, in substance abuse recovery programs), few remember that it was originally developed to address the stages of change a couple undergoes when seeking to
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improve their relationship. Prochaska’s model posits the following six stages of change: 1. Precontemplation – lack of awareness that life (in particular, one’s relationship) can be improved by a change in behavior; 2. Contemplation – recognition of the problem, initial consideration of behavior change and information gathering about possible solutions and actions; 3. Preparation – introspection about the decision, reaffirmation of the need and desire to change behavior, and completion of final pre-action steps; 4. Action – implementation of the practices needed for successful behavior change (e.g., regular sessions with a helping professional); 5. Maintenance – consolidation of the behaviors initiated during the action stage; and, 6. Termination – former problem behaviors are no longer perceived as desirable (e.g., when skipping a planned walk on the beach in order to have time to watch football results in frustration rather than pleasure). When working with couples, it is not uncommon for us to identify some of these stages of their efforts toward improving their relationship. Depending on the background of our client, we may simplify the six stages down to four and draw a diagram similar to the one in Figure 17.1. Since the couple is already in our office seeking change, we skip the pre-contemplation phase and note that the first stage involves awareness – we are trying to heighten our understanding of, and appreciation for, what is going on within ourselves, the other person, and within our relationship. The second stage is agreement – we tend to agree on what our problem areas are and what aspects of our relationship on which we need to focus our attention. Then, in stage three, we individually and collectively make commitments – individuals begin to say things like, “From now on I
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Figure 17.1. Stages of Change Efforts.
will… and from now on we will…” The most difficult stage, however, is stage four when our awarenesses, agreements and commitments are translated into behavior change. As a client once astutely said, “Stages one, two and three are when we talk the talk. That’s easy. The fourth stage, however, is when we have to walk the walk. In this stage, we focus on behavior change. Indeed, this is the most difficult stage.” And as another person recently noted, “Stage four is where the rubber meets the road.” Regardless of how many stages one wishes to identify, the point remains that achieving the lasting and positive changes associated with increased happiness and/or decreased suffering involve a process of change that evolves through stages. This is true whether or not a couple seeks professional assistance or is able to achieve such change on their own. Moreover, the progression through stages implies the passage of time – a topic we address next.
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PROGRESS MAY BE SLOW AND GRADUAL As our society has adjusted to life on “Internet time,” with rapid change and constant motion being the norm rather than the exception, some people have also grown more used to immediate (if not instant) gratification. We would like to warn our readers that there is no such thing when seeking professional assistance. Achieving personal change or improvement in loving relationships involves adjusting long-held perceptions and beliefs, and changing long-established behaviors. This in turn involves, as we have seen, a progression through stages that takes both time and effort. When clients ask us, “How long will it take to fix this?” we respond with, “I can’t say, but my bet is – longer than you were hoping. You had better ask yourselves right up front, is fixing this relationship worth the investment it will require?” Most of our clients, having made it as far as getting to their first appointment, will respond in the affirmative. Rita, for example, an account executive with a large corporation, had recently been was transferred from Dallas to the Tampa Bay area when she first came to see Dr. Emener. She told him that she had been seeing a therapist in Dallas for over a year and had been making excellent progress. “I do not want to fall back just because I moved to Tampa, and I hope and trust you will be able to assist me in continuing to improve my life.” The process of trying to understand what Rita had experienced prior to coming to see him culminated in Bill’s sketching a diagram similar to one in Figure 17.2. They had identified three alternating states of her life: happy, uncomfortable and troubled. In a nutshell, this is how she described her experience: “Up until the end of 1991, I was relatively happy with my life and happily married to Walter. We had just celebrated our fifth wedding anniversary. But for reasons I do not understand, he started being absent from the house more and more, and I believe began seeing other women. By 1992, my life was very uncomfortable, and by October of 1993 I knew that I was in trouble. By the time our divorce had been finalized, my life was simply a wreck. That is when I began
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Figure 17.2. Progress May Be Slow and Gradual.
to see Dr. Johnson in Dallas. By November of 1993, with the help of some short-term medication, I was able to cope and go back to work. I had a relatively comfortable Christmas and started to enjoy life a little bit when I was transferred to the Tampa Bay area. Dr. Johnson suggested that I continue with my antidepressant medication until you and I feel that I no longer need to take it. But I know it is going to take some time before I can get my life back together and start to go out with men again. All I want to do is live a happy life.” Basically what Rita was saying was that with the help of some short-term medication and the psychotherapy she had been receiving from Dr. Johnson, she had developed some effective coping skills and was able to live a relatively meaningful and enjoyable life. At the same time, however, her psychological and spiritual, or “real” happiness in life was still below what her “coping,” “as if,” or “socially appealing” lifestyle would have suggested. At the end of that first session, they agreed that she would continue to work with him with the goal of continuing to have a “coping lifestyle” so that she could continue to function occupationally and socially, and that eventually her “real happiness” would catch up with her every day, “real” lifestyle behaviors.
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Dr. Emener saw Rita for a total of six sessions, and as she was leaving his office after their last session she told him that she was enjoying her dates with Fred and was probably going to continue to see him on a regular basis. She also said to him, “I was a little nervous when I discontinued taking my medication and later started going out with Fred. But every day, every week, my life seems to be getting easier and much better. My happiness in life, indeed, seems to be coming around. When you and Dr. Johnson told me that my progress may be slow and gradual, I was not sure what you were trying to say to me. Now I do.” With some “good self-help work” on your behalf and the assistance of a professional assistant, your issues, difficulties and problems with your individual life and the loving relationships in your life can be dealt with and resolved. But just because your progress may be slow and gradual, it might not mean that you are not making progress. As Rita said, “Recovering from and bouncing back from a dirty deal in life sometimes simply take time. I’ve done a lot of hard work over the last year and a half to help myself get to where I am today, and it surely has been worth it!”
REALISTIC EXPECTATIONS: BEHAVIOR AND EMOTIONS As noted above, the stages of change experienced by those seeking to improve a relationship are similar in some ways to the stages of recovery from substance dependence. One of the ways in which the two processes overlap is as follows: each and every additional day of experiencing and working on the change process, results in an incremental (and sometimes small) movement towards positive change. Of course, there are often temporary setbacks, and most assuredly, some days are better than others, but overall, the longer the behavioral changes are maintained (e.g., sobriety or being more considerate of one’s partner), the more such change feels comfortable and natural.
Some Suggestions about Getting Help from a Professional 277 When Matt and Rosa came to see Dr. Emener, they told him that they had been married for five years and that for the past two years they had been having some serious problems in their relationship. For example, Rosa said, “I just don’t feel special anymore. I feel more like one of Matt’s possessions.” Dr. Emener believed Matt and Rosa when they told him that they loved each other very much and wanted to improve their relationship. “One of my problems,” Matt said, “is that I am from a very large family in which the men ‘owned their women.’ I do not want to be a chauvinistic person, but without a doubt I am from a chauvinistic background.” Bill believed Matt when he said, “I want to be a loving man and I want to be loving toward Rosa with all my heart. But sometimes I just don’t know how.” A related difficulty was that when Matt would do something to try to be loving toward Rosa, she would have difficulty believing his authenticity. For example, she said, “Sometimes I don’t know if he really means what he does.” Dr. Emener sketched a diagram for them similar to the one in Figure 17.3. As the couple looked at the diagram, Bill said to them, “One potential difficulty that you might try to avoid is the way in which each of you struggles with accepting each other’s loving actions and behaviors. For example, Rosa, when you explained to me what happened when Matt brought you some roses, you had difficulty being excited because some of your long-term, angry feelings had caught hold of you. And when you did not respond to Matt with the level of appreciation and joy that he was expecting, he also was disappointed. The end result was that both of you felt bad about a very nice thing.” Matt looked at Rosa and said, “Sometimes when I try to do loving things for you and with you, you still become upset and angry with me. It would be helpful if sometimes you could just appreciate what I do for you. If I bring you flowers, enjoy the flowers. If I take you to a movie, enjoy the movie.”
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Figure 17.3. Realistic Expectations: Behavior and Emotions.
“Okay Matt,” Rosa replied, “I will try to do that. I will try to respond to what you do for me, and maybe as time goes on some of my deeper feelings and emotions will change and I will genuinely feel happier about my life and being married to you.” As Matt held her in his arms, the two of them began to cry. In loving relationships, changes in long-term feelings will sometimes follow changes in long-term behaviors. Just because we may change our behavior toward each other today, it doesn’t mean that our feelings and emotions will immediately change. But if we continue to act lovingly toward each other, chances are that as time goes on we may (again) begin to feel loved by each other.
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DON’T EXPECT IMMEDIATE RESULTS As Matt and Rosa experienced, when two individuals have been experiencing long-term difficulties, their feelings about themselves, each other and their relationship tend to be very deep and entrenched. For example, Rosa said to Matt, “You have been shitting on me for the past two years, and just because you have begun to be nice and loving towards me for the past two weeks doesn’t mean that I can quickly overcome all of the hurt I have been experiencing.” If you begin to engage in “new behaviors and activities” with, for, and on behalf of your loved one, don’t expect his or her feelings toward themselves, you and your relationship to change over night. Likewise, if your loved one begins to do loving things for you and you appreciate what they are doing, yet continue to have some deeper level, less than positive feelings about yourself, them and your relationship, try to be patient with yourself. Behavior change does not necessarily guarantee emotional change (thus, for example, the term “dry drunk”). Nonetheless, if you engage in long-term behavior change, feelings and emotions may gradually and slowly come around.
THE DOWNSIDE OF AN UPSWING Putting things into perspective and looking at your progress over a long period of time can help you (1) appreciate the progress you are making and (2) avoid overreacting to what you may be experiencing in the last day or two. Like the stock market, long-term trends include up and down days. One thing we ask our clients to keep in mind when they reach a plateau or feel stuck in their progress is to consider that they may be in a slump that is part of an overall pattern of progress – the downside of an upswing. Valerie, a thirty-four year-old-high school Spanish teacher, had been living with Ricardo for over two years and had been talking about getting married, “When suddenly he up and left me!” Over the
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next five months, Valerie and Dr. Emener had six therapy sessions together. At their last session, when discussing her progress during that five month period, Bill sketched a diagram similar to the one in Figure 17.4. “Yes, that’s it, Dr. Emener. That’s what my recovery from Ricardo’s leaving me looks like—a saw-toothed line that continues to go up.”
Figure 17.4. The Downside of an Upswing.
As they looked at the diagram, however, Bill said to her, “I suggest that you try to continue to remind yourself, Val, that as long as the line continues going up, you know that you are making progress.” Valerie looked up, smiled and said, “Yes, it has been that way and it is continuing to be that way. As time continues to march onward, my happiness continues to improve, and even though sometimes it appears to be gradual, it is definitely improving. My mother asked me how I was doing. I told her that for the past two days I have been a little down. She instantly began to worry. But I immediately told her not to worry because I was simply on the
Some Suggestions about Getting Help from a Professional 281 downside of an upswing. I told her that my worst day of this week, today, is still better than my best day a month ago. And as far as I am concerned, that’s progress!” Doing what Valerie was doing can be very helpful. In general, we repeatedly find that it helps clients to focus on the overall trend rather than on the short-term. When you and your loved one are trying to improve your relationship, don’t dwell on bad things from your past, and focus on the good things in the present.
WHEN TO COME BACK Couples with whom we are working frequently ask us, “We have agreed that there is no need for us to schedule another session. But how will we know if or when we need to come back to see you?” In response, it is not uncommon for us to sketch a diagram similar to the one in Figure 17.5 and say to them, “We have met for enough sessions and I think you will agree that when you first came, you definitely needed some outside help. Over the last several sessions, the two of you were working on your relationship on a daily basis. Nonetheless, it continued to need adjustments and improvements. From what you have been saying today, however, your relationship is now up into the ‘good’ level and you are deriving much pleasure and joy from your own lives, each other’s lives and your relationship. Here is where you are now. Therefore, the first recommendation is that you continue doing what you are doing – it indeed appears to be good for you. Keep doing it! If in the future, however, you find your individual lives or your relationship starting to ‘need some fixin’, try to improve things yourselves. As a result of our sessions together you not only improved your relationship, but you also learned how to improve your relationship. Thus, try to help yourselves first! But should your attempts to help yourselves not meet with success, then we’ll schedule an appointment to get together.”
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Figure 17.5. When to Come Back.
As therapists, we attempt to do two things when working with an individual or a couple: (1) we try to help them improve their individual lives and their relationship; and, (2) we try to help them learn to help themselves so that as time goes on if they run into a difficulty they do not have to call us right away (again, we want to teach them to fish for themselves and not just give them a fish). We try to help them learn self-help strategies and skills that will help them carry on and continue to improve their lives on their own. “So in other words, Dr. Emener,” Todd recently said, “if we start to run into some troubles, we can go back through some of our notes from our sessions, go back through some of the self-help books that you have recommended to us and try to fix things ourselves. However, I also hear you saying that we shouldn’t wait to come back to see you as we are on our way to divorce court!” On that note, Dr. Emener, Todd and his wife, all enjoyed a hearty laugh. ******
Some Suggestions about Getting Help from a Professional 283 If your car is not running well, it needs fixin’, You don’t know how to fix it, and you’re unhappy with it, continuing to drive and complaining won’t make it run any better – and it may even get worse. The only way to make it run better and enjoy it would be to get someone who really knows what they’re doing to help you fix it. This also tends to be true for loving relationships.
Epilogue
REFLECTIONS AND DOORKNOB ISSUES
A
t the end of a counseling, therapy or mediation session, it is not uncommon for two things to occur: (1) the helping professional may reflect on what was discussed and experienced in the session and offer a “last minute thought” or “it may be important for you to remember” kind of statement; and/or (2) the client(s) may offer what we like to think of as a “doorknob issue.” These typically are phrased as “One last thing I thought I should mention to you...” or “Oh by the way, I thought you also should know that...” and “Something that I wanted to tell you but forgot was...” After reading the previous seventeen chapters of our own book, we found ourselves reflecting on the book’s content in a similar way. We were reminded of some general issues that we felt were important for you our readers to remember as you finish this book. Thus, in the first part of this chapter we share with you our reflections. Following this, we offer some brief comments regarding doorknob issues and a request for you to share your doorknob issues with us.
REFLECTIONS The establishment, development and maintenance of a loving relationship are exciting, yet intriguing mysteries. In addition to many
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other considerations, a relationship involves constant attention to competing, juxtaposed values. For example: 1. Now vs. forever. A person can look at his or her loving relationship from a perspective of temporality versus a value of eternity: “The most important issue is how we feel about each other at this moment” versus “It is critical for me to feel that this relationship will last for ever.” 2. Love vs. friendship (with sex). One person may decide that unless he or she can experience a deep feeling of love for the significant other, the relationship is not worth having. A different person may take the perspective that “what really matters is that my significant other is my best friend; romance and sex, when they happen, are added rewards.” 3. All or none vs. good enough. An individual can look at his or her personal happiness, as it interfaces with his or her loving relationship, from a perspective of “Having what you want” versus “Wanting what you have.” One individual may say, “I will never stay in a relationship with another person unless (1) he/she is the kind of person I want and (2) we have the kind of relationship that I want.” Another person may say, “The person I am with and my relationship with him/her may not be what I want, but I am willing to do whatever I can do to learn to want what I have.” 4. It’s about me vs. it’s about us. A person may look at his or her being in a loving relationship from a position of “wanting my own individual autonomy and freedom” versus a position of “wanting a connected, interdependent and committed loving relationship with another person.” 5. Pain vs. emotional investment. One person may see relationship struggles or failure as sources of intolerable pain that seem impossible to overcome. A different person may have a “no regrets” perspective that every relationship carries with it the risk of failure, but as long as the majority of experiences are good, it is worth the ride.
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Of course with each of these juxtaposed value sets, a person can hold an either/or attitude or a both attitude. And as one uncovers the delicate and intricate root system beneath most loving relationships, the mystery becomes deeper. “Sally and I are very successful workmates as well as wonderful and fun loving playmates, but I wonder if we ever could be soulmates?” Greg once asked Dr. Emener. “I don’t know,” Bill replied. “Do you have to be good workmates and good playmates in order to be soulmates? Or put another way, could two people be good soulmates yet not be good workmates or good playmates?” After pondering his retort, Greg said, “I don’t know. Those are intriguing questions. It would be interesting and helpful for us to discuss them.” Dr. Emener responded, “That indeed would be interesting, Greg, but in terms of helpfulness it may be more important for you and Sally to discuss them.” You may have noticed that throughout this book, on numerous occasions when individuals came to see one of us about a relationship issues, we eventually talked at length about them – the person himself or herself. Many of our clients realize this. When you think about it, it makes sense. In many ways, a loving relationship is like a reflecting pool or a mirror. It vividly reveals to us many aspects and considerations of and about ourselves. Intuitively, it is reasonable to believe constructs such as: “My ability to trust another individual is an indication of the extent to which I can trust myself.” “If I am not comfortable with myself, then I probably will have difficulties feeling and being comfortable with another person and my relationship with that person,” and “My ability to love another person is an indication of the extent to which I can love myself.”
As a rule of thumb, whenever we sense a difficulty with a significant other in our own lives, the first question we ask ourselves is: “What is going on within me?”
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Every human being is unique in a myriad of ways – different from anyone else. Moreover, every human being is constantly changing. Thus, every loving relationship is unique and constantly changing. What may appear “right” or “good” for another couple may not be “right” or “good” for you. What may be working for you and your loved one today may not work tomorrow. Understanding and appreciating your uniqueness and differences, and remaining flexible, postured for and attentive to constant change, are critical aspects of “good” loving relationships. In view of these latter considerations, commitment – a critical consideration of any loving relationship – thus entails numerous, important and finer distinctions. Let’s remember: change is inevitable. To wit, the following are some illustrations of commitment statements people make to each other: some are functionally consistent and some are functionally inconsistent: Functionally Inconsistent “I love you just the way you are. I hope you will never change. Promise me you will never change.” “We have such a beautiful relationship. I don’t want it to ever change.” “I want to marry you because I know our relationship, just the way it is, will last for ever.”
Functionally Consistent “I love you the way you are today and am committed to being with you as each of us changes over time.” “I am committed to working with you so we can enjoy our ever-changing relationship.” “I am committed to doing whatever I can to keep our relationship alive, vibrant, meaningful and loving for as long as possible.”
As one of Dr. Emener’s clients suggested to his wife, “I’m not worried about our marriage lasting forever. If we can continue to enjoy a meaningful and fulfilling relationship, which is what I’m committed to, our marriage will take care of itself.”
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Being committed to a relationship and being committed to a particular form of a relationship are two different things. For example, when two individuals first meet and begin seeing each other seriously, their relationship has a particular form. In the early stages of their marriage, their relationship takes on a different form. When two married individuals have demanding careers, three or four children, two cars and a big house, their relationship again takes on another form. In the autumn of their years when their children are grown and out on their own and it’s just the two of them at the dinner table, their relationship again reveals another form. As one of our mothers, Mrs. Emener, experienced when she became a widow and as the other’s mother, Mrs. Lambos, is experiencing now, even though their husbands have died, their relationships with them from a spiritual perspective remain very much alive. The only things that changed were the forms. True loving relationships never end, they just change their form. An issue of The St. Petersburg Times many years ago carried a syndicated column written by Regina Brett entitled, “The Former Lover You Never Forget.” Ms. Brett beautifully described the experiences many of us never seem to forget – the former husband or wife, boyfriend or girlfriend, or lover “who has never left us.” After detailing her “Corvette summer” with him twenty years prior, she concluded: Even though a decade has passed, on some level I never stopped loving him. I knew we would always feel something for each other, something beyond chemistry and contempt. For better, for worse, he reached inside of me and rearranged the workings of my heart so I could love someone else. It turns out he didn’t really break my heart after all. He only made it stronger. Being committed to a relationship indeed appears to be much more important than being committed to a particular form of a relationship.
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What is a relationship? Good question. And just when we think we are in a position to answer that question definitively, we read another book, talk to another person or experience something new, and our conceptualization changes. In many ways, we then feel like we have to start all over again. It is often said, “The journey is as important as, or even more important than, the destination.” Maybe discovering what a loving relationship is, is the goal of our journey. Similarly, there is no perfect relationship. Just when things appear to be going great, something happens. A “good” relationship is something that needs constant attention. It is akin to heating a house in the winter time. No house is perfectly insulated. A good thermostat monitors the temperature and signals the heater when it needs to kick in to heat the house. When the house is warm again, the heater shuts off. But eventually the temperature will drop and the cycle continues. When something goes awry or something interferes with a relationship, the two individuals hopefully become aware of it and attend to the problem in order to return their relationship to the level of comfort and meaningfulness they both want and enjoy. Fittingly, as with the house, a cycle continues. As we have said many times throughout this book, it is the process of the relationship that is important, not just the outcome. Like happiness, a good loving relationship is not a station you arrive at, it is a manner of traveling. In the process of developing a good loving relationship, “you and I” also becomes “us.” And typically that does not happen until “You” and “I” are no longer exclusive, independent realities. In a meaningful relationship, we find the comingling of intertwined lives, the genuine sharing of fears, wants and desires, the simultaneous struggling for togetherness and oneness, the preservation of two unique, individual lives in the presence of a shared relationship lifestyle, and the simultaneous awareness of, appreciation of, and respect for our relationship’s beginning, temporal existence and never-ending essence. We do not “have” a relationship. Rather, a relationship is an interdependent process of being – a process that translates into, or “becomes,” a relationship. In this sense, the term “relationship” is not just a noun or an adjective – it is also a verb.
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A relationship involves many risks. And sometimes the biggest risk is our risk of freedom. When given further thought, nonetheless, it is only the free person who can take risks in the first place. If you are free, then you can risk freedom. But if you truly are free, then you may not actually be risking anything. Freedom is not a place in life – it is a manner of being. And from a spiritual or philosophical perspective, one can be free no matter where one is. Thus, it is no wonder that some people will say things like, “I am free and I am in a wonderful, enjoyable and meaningful loving relationship.”
DOORKNOB ISSUES We assume that now that you have finished reading this book and bounced its ideas, principles and considerations off of your life and experiences, you have some ideas, principles and considerations of your own that the book has not addressed. These could be thought of as your doorknob issues for us. We would greatly appreciate knowing what your doorknob issues are. Thus, please take a few moments of your time to share them with us. You probably have some good suggestions and criticisms that we would benefit from knowing. Please write to us and share: William G. Emener, Ph.D., CRC Distinguished Research Professor Department of Rehabilitation Counseling College of Arts and Sciences University of South Florida Tampa, Florida 33620 Email:
[email protected] William A. Lambos, Ph.D. Licensed Clinical Neuropsychologist Cognitive Neuro Sciences, Inc.
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[email protected] Thank-you! Bill and Bill ****** If all of our yesterdays are dreams of happiness, and if all of our tomorrows are visions of hope, then our today is not a preparation for our life together, it is our life together.
ABOUT THE AUTHORS WILLIAM G. EMENER, Ph.D., CRC, is a Distinguished Research Professor in, and the former Chair of, the Department of Rehabilitation and Mental Health Counseling, and a former Associate Dean, at the University of South Florida, Tampa. Additionally, he has worked as a rehabilitation counselor and supervisor as well as a rehabilitation counselor educator and program director at Murray State University, Florida State University and the University of Kentucky. Dr. Emener’s publications and writings include seven research monographs, twenty-three books, numerous book chapters in twenty-two different books, over fifty nonpublished professional papers, over 100 authored/coauthored articles in seventeen different professional refereed journals, and over a hundred professional papers presented at professional association meetings. He also has been an editor/coeditor of over twenty special publications (including the American Rehabilitation Counseling Association Newsletter) and was Coeditor of the Journal of Applied Rehabilitation Counseling from 1978-1982. While many of his books have been textbooks and professional readings, his more recent books are pop-psych books, self-help books, and contemporary romance novels. Dr. Emener’s recognitions include being a recipient of the 1980 American Rehabilitation Counseling Association Research Award, a recipient of the National Rehabilitation Administration Association’s 1982 The Advancement of Research in Rehabilitation Administration Award, and in 1988 was honored with the title of Fellow by the
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American Psychological Association. He was the 1983-1984 President of the National Rehabilitation Administration Association and the 1989-1990 President of the National Council on Rehabilitation Education. For 33 years, Dr. Emener also had a part-time private practice as a licensed psychologist in Florida and Kentucky, with specializations in employee assistance programs, marriage/couples counseling and addictions/substance abuse counseling. A former college basketball player, Bill’s hobbies and interests now include playing his guitar and piano, fishing, boating, scuba diving, motorcycle riding, slow pitch softball, reading contemporary novels, playing golf, and occasionally walking a sandy beach with a six pack. WILLIAM A. LAMBOS, Ph.D., is Executive Partner and President of Cognitive Neuro Sciences, Inc., (CNS), a multi-site integrated healthcare practice with headquarters in Tampa, Florida. CNS’s approach to health care is based on a combined philosophy of wellness, self-efficacy and self-regulation, and healthy interpersonal dynamics. Dr. Lambos possesses a post-doctoral certification in Neuropsychology from Fielding Graduate University, master’s and doctoral degrees in Experimental Psychology from McMaster University, a master’s degree in Rehabilitation and Mental Health Counseling, and has satisfied the coursework requirements for a postmasters certificate in Marriage and Family Therapy, both of the latter from the University of South Florida. In addition, he is certified as a family mediator by the Supreme Court of the State of Florida and provides dispute resolution services in divorce, childcare and healthcare quality assurance cases. Dr. Lambos’ recognitions include certifications in EEGbiofeedback and QEEG analysis by both the Biofeedback Certification Institute of America (BCIA) and The Society for the Advancement of Brain Analysis (SABA), on whose Board he sits. While Dr. Lambos’ B.A. degree from Vassar, with honors, and membership in Phi Beta Kappa and his publications in scientific journals clearly reveal his revered acumen and scholarly prowess, his
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quick wit, hearty laugh and overall enjoyment of life are among the reasons he enjoys a reputation of “a life of the party” kind of person.
SUBJECT INDEX A A priori assumptions, xx Abandonment (fear of), 104 A, B, C’s of loving relationships (The), 75-79 “A best indication”, 44 About the Authors, 293-295 About this Book, xxi-xxii Abuse Abusive relationship history, 39-41 and problems in relationships, 207208 Affair (an) The affair person, 118-122 Affect, 76 Agape, xxiv, 2 Agreement, 272-273 Alternative dispute resolution, 263 Analyze the love in your relationship, 43, 256-261 Awareness, 272-273 Appreciation and understanding, 254256 Art of Happiness (The), 270 Assumptions, A priori, xx Critical, xxiv-xxv
B Baby Boom Generation, xxxi Balance, 83-86 “Be your best to give your best”, 246 Beattie, Melody, 148 Behavior Behavior change, 272-273, 279 Realistic expectations: Behavior and emotions, 276-278 Bibliotherapeutic approach, xxv-xxvii Dovetail reading, xxvi-xxvii Big little things, 29 Blame, 45 Blended families, 98-103 Myths about, 99-103 Research findings regarding, 98-99 Boundaries Boundaries and control, 155-170 Values: Foundations for boundaries, 156-160 Brett, Regina, 289 Brain, (The) “Your Brain on Love”, 4-6
C Cannonball Run (The), 252 Capacities and potentials, 57-58 Catastrophizing, 58
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Change Emotional, 279 is inevitable, 288 Stages of change efforts, 271-273 Children, 103-104 The little child within us, 26-27 Co-, in-, and inter-dependence, 148-154 Cognitions, 76 Commitment, 11, 259, 272-273, 288 Communications A, B, C’s of communication (The), 180-183 Styles, 180-183 Companion book, xxiii Congruence and balance, 75-92 and incongruence, 46-48, 77 Consistency (Importance of), 288 Consistency/inconsistency, 288 Controls Active and passive control, 164-166 Boundaries and control, 155-170 Functional and dysfunctional controls, 163-164 Internal and external control, 167-170 Perceived control, 166-167 Coping skills defined, 227-228 Importance of coping skills, 227-230 “Corvette summer”, 289 Counselor, therapist or (Seeing a...), 232250 Defined, 234 Confidentiality, 237-238 Costs involved, 237 “Don’t expect immediate results”, 279 Finding one, 236-237 Goals, 240-242 How a professional counselor or therapist can be helpful to you, 251-266 Marriage…, 187 One therapist, one client, 242-244
Paralysis of analysis, 270 Responsibility: Cause – cure, 252-254 Scheduling an appointment, 238-239 Seeking professional help, 235-239 We help you help yourself, 267-268 “When to come back”, 281-282 Cross-cultural factors, 110-111
D Dalai Lama (The), 270 Dance (in a relationship), 61-63 Dependence and expectations, 141-154 and inter-dependence, 148-154 Disability, 106-109 Distance, 104-106 Divorce and separation, 209, Stages of divorce 20 Doorknob issues, 291-292 Dovetail reading, xxvi-xxvii “Downside of an upswing” (The), 279281
E Ellis, Albert, 33, 58, 75 Emotional change 279 Equitable equity, 190-194 Sign of trouble ahead, 186-187, 194197 Eros, xxiv, 2 Estate planning, 192 Estrangement, 209 Expectations and dependence, 141-154 Behavior and emotions, 76, 279, Let others know what you expect, 145-146 Over estimating our expectations of each other, 136-137
Subject Index Realistic expectations: Behavior and emotions, 276-279 What are your expectations, 141-145
F Fear and anxiety Fear of abandonment, 104 Fear of getting hurt, 227 Fighting well, 210 Ten recommendations for…, 210-212 Florida Lottery, 173 Forgetting and forgiving, 29-30 Freedom, 291 Functionality, 288
G Gates, Bill, 2 Gridlock, 207
I I could do – you could do, 256-258 Interracial factors, 111 Intimacy, 11, 259
J Joe South (song), 223
L Lifestyle, 171-184 Balance, 83-86 Control your relationship style, 179180 Functional and dysfunctional lifestyles, 177-178 and living parallel lives, 38-39 Individual lifestyles and relationship lifestyles, 173-177 Lifestyle (defined), 173 Lifestyle congruence 172-173, 177
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Relationship lifestyle, 179 Lightning rod in the relationship (The), 68-69 Limbic system, 4 Limited assumptions, 137-139 Linkages: Feelings, thoughts and actions, 79-82 Lists “I could do – you could do”, 256-258 List of Figures, xii-xv Three lists to facilitate understanding, 255-256 Two lists to improve your relationship, 257 Little Child within Us (The), 26-27 Little things mean a lot, 27-29 “Living a lie”, 183-184 Living parallel lives, 38-39 Logical consequences, 139-140 Love Analyze the love in your relationship, 43, 258-261 Differences between love and..., 6-7 Don’t confuse love with..., 8-10 Love/loving Being loved and feeling loved, 18-19 Differences between love and..., 9 Love triangle, 10-14 Loving roles we play, 20-23 Obligation and love (differences between), 9 Stages of loving relationships, 217221 Types of love, 1-4 Unconditional love, 15-16 Love triangle, 10-14
M Maintenance person (The), 122-123 Maintenance people, 122-123 Meaning and purpose and worth, 189-190, 194
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Mediation, 263 As an alternative, 263-264 Mediator Defined, 234 Men, Love & Sex, 190 Million little pieces (A), 148 Monetary Issues, 185-197 Sign of trouble ahead that couples need to pay attention to, 186-187, 194-197 Money, 187 My Loving Relationships, xxiii, xxix, xxxiii, 31, 45, 75 My Fat Greek Wedding, xxv, 45
N Needs and wants, 125-140 Differences between needs and wants, 125-127 Matching our roles with our needs, 129-131 Meeting my needs and wants, 127129 “My need to feel special”, 25-26 Pieces of my life you want, 71-74 Similar wants and needs, 131-133 “What you want and what he/she needs”, 58-61 Work (Willingness to...), 245-246 “New experiences – Old feelings”, 86-88 Nurse-patient relationships, 67-68
O Options, 249-250 Other people, 113-123 “A third person in a two-seater”, 115116 Affair person (The), 118-122 Outside factors and features, 93-112 Cross-cultural factors, 110-111 Extended family issues, 110-111
Interracial factors, 110 Other outside factors, 110-112 Relatives, 110 Social status, 110 Socio-economic factors, 110
P Paralysis of analysis (The), 270 Passion, 11, 259 Pasts (Our), 31-41 Individual, 32-33 Interaction effects of…, 36-38 Relationship past, present and future, 33-35 Pavlovian conditioning, xxxii Perception Perceived control, 166-167 regarding equity, 191 Personal commitment, 11 Personal passion, 11 Philia (Philio), xxiv, 2 Plato, 2 Primary-Immediate family, 94-98 Problems, 199-213 Abuse, 207-208 Dangerous relationship problems, 207-208 Gridlock, 207 Making problems less problematic, 205-207 Solvable, 200-203 Unsolvable, 203-205 Prochaska, James O., 271 Professional (Help from a...), 235-239 “Progress may be slow and gradual”, 272-276 Psychological vacations, 261-262 Purpose(s) of this book, xxii
Subject Index Q Questions Don’t confuse love with…, 8 Questions we ask ourselves, 48-50, 82 Questions to ask, 48-50, 65-66 regarding an affair, 120 regarding expectations, 143 regarding needs and wants, 128, 132 regarding scheduling an appointment, 239 regarding self-worth, 149, 194 regarding wants and willingnesses, 244 when seeking professional help, 235-239 Quick-fix temptations, 268-269
R Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT), 58 Real versus social recovery, 246-249 Recovery Psychological, 248-249 Real versus Social, 246-249 Reflections, 285-291 and doorknob issues, 285-292 Relationship(s) Analyze the love in your relationship, 258-261 Best indication of the nature of…, 44 Characteristics of an ideal relationship, 53-54 Dependent and codependent loving relationships, 150-151 Distractor, 114 Enhancer, 114 “Good…”, 41, 227 “In or outside the relationship”, 134136
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Interdependent loving relationships, 151-154 Levels of a relationship, 69-71 Limited assumptions, 137-139 Little things mean a lot, 27-29 Long distance relationships, 105 Relationship analysis, 44-74 Relationship history, 39-41 Relationship potentials, 63-65 Relationship questions, 8, 48-50, 6566 Relationship Skills, 215-230 Advice, 220-221 Empathy (listening), 221-227 Establishing, Maintaining and Ending, 217-221 Signs of decay (in a relationship), 4446 Stages of loving relationships, 217221 Two lists to improve your relationship, 257 “What is a relationship…”, 290-291 Relationship distractor, 114 Relationship enhancer, 114 Relationship skills, 215-230 Empathy (listening) skills, 221-227 Establishing, Maintaining and Ending, 217-221 Relationship stages, 217-221 Responsibility: Cause – cure and past – future, 252-254 Results, 279 Reynolds, Burt, 252 Road Ahead (The), xxx-xxxiii
S Sabotage Subconscious sabotage, 269 Self/selves Ideal self, 46-48, 88-90 Self, 46-48
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Social self, 88-90 Separation, 209 Estrangement, 209 “Should”, 97, 161 Only one “should”, 161 “Sick” or “Sorry”, 240 Signs of decay, 44-46 Situational issues and relationship issues, 52-53 Social commitment, 11 intimacy, 11 passion, 11 sanctioning, 147-148 Socio-economic factors, 110 St. Petersburg Times, 289 “Stay focused on the present”, 270-271 Support groups (Benefits of...), 265-266
T “Targets of our attention”, 50-52 The little child within us, 26-27 Therapist (See Counselor or...), 232-250 Defined, 234 Finding one, 236-237 First-time statements, 233-234 One therapist, one client, 242-244 Seeking professional help, 235-239 Some suggestions about…, 267-283 “Think it, feel it, and do it”, 90-92 Third person in a two-seater, 115-116 Time
Good and bad times, 54-57 Transitional person (The), 116-118 Transtheoretical model of change, 271272 “Triple A Rating”, 23-24
U Unconditional love, 15-16
V Values and Attitudes, 187-188 Values: Foundations for boundaries, 156-160
W Walk a Mile in My Shoes, 223 Wall Street Journal, 152 Wants and willingnesses, 244-245 What are my goals/our options, 240-242, 249-250 “What I want you to see”, 88-90 When to come back, 281-282 Worth and meaning, 189-190, 194
Y Yellow Pages, 237 Your best, 246
