On The List

ON THE LIST …We got out of the car and walked up the driveway. I was glad to see my siblings here; having them stationed near Mom and Dad made family visits so much easier. I hadn’t seen much of any of them on my last half dozen or so visits, but then again, my brother and I barely managed to see each other when he was stationed at Pearl Harbor. On my second trip to see Elliott, I’d introduced him to the family, but every time I’d come back since then, it was virtually impossible to line up everyone’s schedules and see anyone. Hell, my brother was the only one so far who’d met Elliott more than once. But tonight, everyone was finally here. I rang the doorbell, and a moment later, my mother opened the front door. She greeted us with a taut smile, and hugged me halfheartedly. That’s odd, I thought as she let me go and avoided my eyes. My mother was reserved like the rest of the family, but any time she saw me, she hugged me so hard I joked she was trying to kill me. This time, she’d given me the kind of quick, loose embrace she might have offered to an acquaintance. She didn’t offer Elliott so much as a handshake, which wasn’t that unusual. “Elliott,” she said with a smile that didn’t extend beyond her lips. “It’s good to see you again.” “You, too,” Elliott said with a much more genuine smile. “The family’s in here.” She gestured toward the living room, and turned to go before either of us could say a word. Elliott looked at me, eyebrows up. I shrugged. Following my mother into the living room where the rest of the family relaxed, my gut twisted into knots. What was I missing? Those knots twisted even tighter when everyone in the living room—Dad, Jamie and her husband Bill, and Kevin—simultaneously tensed as Elliott and I walked in…

ALSO BY L. A. WITT Changing Plans Getting Off The Ground Infinity Pools Static

ON THE LIST BY L. A. WITT

AMBER Q UILL PRESS, LLC http://www.AmberQuill.com

ON THE LIST AN AMBER QUILL PRESS BOOK This book is a work of fiction. All names, characters, locations, and incidents are products of the author’s imagination, or have been used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual persons living or dead, locales, or events is entirely coincidental. Amber Quill Press, LLC http://www.AmberQuill.com All rights reserved. No portion of this book may be transmitted or reproduced in any form, or by any means, without permission in writing from the publisher, with the exception of brief excerpts used for the purposes of review. Copyright © 2011 by L. A. Witt ISBN 978-1-61124-161-7 Cover Art © 2011 Trace Edward Zaber

PUBLISHED IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA

To Jenre—this book exists because of you.

ON THE LIST

CHAPTER 1 Few things in this world agitated me more than that period of time between a plane touching down and when the door finally opened to let us all out. Of course it wasn’t all that long—ten or fifteen minutes at the very most—but, knowing that door was the last obstacle between Elliott and me after a long transoceanic flight, I was always a restless, foot-tapping mess once the plane landed. It was like, I’d already endured hours of boredom. Now that we were here, let me out, damn it. I drummed my fingers on my armrest. We were on the ground. Now the plane just had to finish its slow taxi from the runaway to the gate so we could wait an inordinately long time for the door to open. Thank God I wouldn’t be returning to Maui without Elliott this 1

ON THE LIST

time. We’d been engaged for four months now, during which we hadn’t been able to see each other as much as I would’ve liked, but at the end of this trip? I’d be leaving Seattle with a ring on my finger and Elliott sitting next to me. I chuckled to myself. Me. Getting married. Who’d have thought? I could only imagine how many of my friends and family had lost bets the day I called to tell them I was engaged. Wasn’t like any of them knew I was just a little on the promiscuous side, but they hadn’t even heard me utter the word “boyfriend” in years, never mind anything that involved more commitment than a weekend vacation. Much to my mother’s dismay, the only vow I’d ever taken was becoming a perma-bachelor. The plane came to a gentle stop outside the gate. Seat belts clattered and people jumped to their feet to open overhead bins and take out their suitcases. I unbuckled my own seat belt and got up, but I wasn’t in too much of a hurry. It would be a while before they opened the door, and it wasn’t like I had to fight for elbow or aisle space. Business class was totally the way to go. Laptop case over my shoulder and carry-on bag at my feet, I rested my hip against my seat and waited. It occurred to me that Elliott was right about one thing: it was a good idea to take care of his move and the wedding in the same trip. It meant more headache for him all at once instead of spread out over time, but it also meant only one flight. Round trip for me, one-way for him. Had we decided to just move him to Maui, then come back to get married, that would be one more trip. One more period of standing here grinding my teeth and tapping my foot waiting for them to open. That. Door. On the other hand, if he’d already moved in with me, he’d be 2

ON THE LIST

standing here next to me instead of waiting in the terminal. Not that he would have been great company on the plane. The one time we’d flown together, he’d fallen asleep, leaving me to try to focus on a video game and not all the things I wanted to do to him as soon as we were alone in my bedroom. Then again, I hadn’t let him sleep much the night before, so it shouldn’t have been a surprise he’d knocked out shortly after the plane was in the air. Whatever the case, he was here now, waiting for me by baggage claim. I had no doubt he was already here. He’d probably been in the airport for a good hour or so before my plane even landed. It meant coughing up more money for parking, but he preferred that to being late any day of the week. The door finally opened. I adjusted my laptop case on my shoulder and pulled up the handle on my suitcase, then joined the other passengers in the slow shuffle up the aisle. At least that didn’t take long. This was definitely one of the perks of business class: closer to the door, which meant getting off the plane faster. Off the plane and out in the concourse, I followed the stampede of people and suitcases along the dingy laminate, my heart fluttering with every step. I didn’t even need to look at the signs anymore. Between traveling for business and coming here to see Elliott, I knew Sea-Tac like I knew my own garage. When I reached the escalator, I couldn’t help smiling. Fortunately, the escalator wasn’t all that crowded, so I was able to make some headway walking up the moving steps, because I didn’t want to waste another second before I reached the top and— There he was. His smile weakened my knees, just like it did every time, but I convinced my legs to work long enough to get me off the escalator and across the small expanse of floor. We both grinned, and he 3

ON THE LIST

threw his arms around me and kissed me. We used to keep this short and sweet, but not anymore. After that first half a year of only seeing each other once a month or so, he’d decided it wasn’t too much for him to ask the rest of the world to indulge us a public kiss just like any other couple reuniting in the airport. When he broke the kiss, he didn’t pull away. “You know, I might actually miss this part.” “Nah.” I ran my fingers through his hair. “We’ll still get to do it every time I come back from a business trip.” “Hmm, good point.” He shrugged and pulled away. “In that case, let’s get out of here.” I rolled my eyes and grabbed his arm. “Oh, whatever. Get over here.” Laughing, he let me pull him into another embrace, and I kissed him again. Then we separated, and I slipped my hand into his as we walked toward baggage claim. “I think they said your flight is unloading on one of the carousels on the other end.” He gestured down the concourse to our right. I shook my head. “Just carry-on this time.” “Really?” He glanced at my small suitcase. “That’s all you need?” I nodded. “I figured you might need to bring a little extra with you on the way back, so if I checked one of your suitcases as mine, it’d be less headache.” “Good idea. Especially now that they’re charging an arm and a leg for extra luggage.” “Fascists,” I growled. We looked at each other and laughed. We continued through baggage claim to another escalator, 4

ON THE LIST

which took us up to one of the sky bridges leading from the airport to short-term parking. “So how was your flight?” he asked as we walked across the garage. “This one wasn’t bad, but, oh, God, the one from Maui?” I shuddered. “Bad weather?” “No, a pilot with a bad sense of humor.” Elliott chuckled. “Kanani? No way.” I groaned. “Ugh, I swear to God, I have never been airsick in my life, but I was this close.” I held up my hand with my thumb and forefinger almost touching. “What happened?” “Son of a bitch came up with some bullshit story about the Hawaiian gods putting a groom through a ‘trial’ before the wedding.” He eyed me. “And you still went up in the plane with him?” “We were already in the air,” I muttered. “Dare I ask what the ‘trial’ was?” “Barrel rolls.” I gritted my teeth as my stomach turned just thinking about that damned flight. “Several of them.” Elliott shivered. “Tell me he won’t insist on putting the other groom through that.” I shook my head and put my arm around his waist. “As far as he’s concerned, your trial is being married to me.” “He does have a point.” “Hey!” Elliott laughed. “Come on, admit it. You know it’s the truth.” “Okay, maybe it is.” I dropped my voice to a stage whisper. “Just don’t tell anyone, all right?” 5

ON THE LIST

“Secret’s safe with me.” He pulled out his keys and clicked the button on the remote. A few spaces ahead of us, a burgundy SUV’s lights flashed. “Since when do you drive something like this?” I asked. “Since I’m borrowing it from my sister.” “Oh, right.” I was used to seeing Elliott’s characteristically practical sedan, but I’d forgotten he’d sold it in the last week or so. It was, after all, cheaper to just buy a halfway decent used car on Maui than ship one over. Less headache, anyway. He popped the trunk and pulled it open. After we’d deposited my minimal luggage, we got in the car. As Elliott backed out of the parking space, I clasped my hands together and stretched my arms, groaning softly as my joints creaked and muscles protested. “Getting too old to travel like this?” He shifted into drive. “Shut up.” I laughed and rubbed some stiffness out of my neck. “Anyway, what’s on the agenda for the next few days?” I grinned. “I mean, I assume there is an agenda, right?” He laughed. “I figured you’d need a day or so to recover from the jet lag.” Then he shrugged. “So I planned about forty-seven different things for this afternoon, followed by dinner with my mom and then coffee with my dad and stepmom across town. You’re game, right?” I rolled my eyes. “Ha. Ha. Very funny.” “Nah, don’t worry.” He put a hand on my leg and squeezed gently. “I figured you’d just want to kick back and relax a little today. And my sister’s kids are at their dad’s, so her place will be good and quiet.” “Sweet.” I loved his niece and nephew like crazy, but the idea of a peaceful house for at least a few hours was more than a little 6

ON THE LIST

appealing. By tomorrow, I’d be adjusted to this time zone, caught up on sleep, and good to go. “I suppose everything’s been easier for you, now that you’re unemployed?” He shrugged again. “It’s not that bad either way, just a lot to do. It’s so weird, though. I keep waking up and thinking I should be going to work. Kind of bugs me not being on a schedule.” I put my hand over his on my leg. “Well, you pretty much are on a schedule this week, right?” “God, yes.” He glanced at me. “I’ll spare you the rundown while you’re still tired.” “Nah, go ahead,” I said. “I can take it.” “Don’t say I didn’t warn you.” He went down the list—which was probably bulleted, prioritized, and color-coded in his head—of everything from dealing with the moving company to squaring away deposits for the venue, photographer, caterer, and half a dozen other people, to picking up our rented tuxes. “Wow,” I said when he’d finished. He’d kept me up to date on everything via phone and e-mail, but now that it was all actually happening—in the next few days, no less—it suddenly seemed like a hell of a lot. “You really don’t mind doing this?” He glanced at me. “I mean, it would be simpler just to grab a couple of witnesses and drive up to Canada.” I squeezed his hand. “This is fine. Really. I just felt bad that you’ve had to handle all the arrangements and everything.” “Derek.” He laughed. “This is me we’re talking about. Give me something to plan, and I’m happy.” “Okay, I won’t argue with that,” I said. “Is there anything I can do at this point? Or do you have it all under control?” “Of course I have it all under control.” He glanced at me again, 7

ON THE LIST

and smiled. “All you have to do is show up.” “I think I can manage that.” I ran my hand back and forth over his. “What else is on the agenda?” He took a breath. “We’ve got dinner with my dad and stepmom tonight, my mom and stepdad tomorrow night, your family on Wednesday, and then we head down to Ocean Shores on Thursday. We’ve got Thursday to ourselves, my family will be there Friday, then there’s the party they’re throwing Friday night, and of course, Saturday.” I furrowed my brow. “Wait, what’s happening Saturday again?” He shot me a playful glare, and I laughed. “And by the way,” he said. “I haven’t gotten any RSVPs from your family. I still have them on the list, of course, but if they’d tell me how many were coming, I could stop breathing into a paper bag.” I chuckled. “I’ll ask them at dinner on Wednesday, but it’s a safe bet they’ll all be there. My mom is usually crap about RSVPs unless she’s letting you know someone won’t be there.” “Great,” he muttered. “She’s not even my mother-in-law yet and she can already screw with my blood pressure.” “Oh, just wait,” I said. “Holiday gatherings? I honestly don’t know how she gets it all together.” Elliott shuddered and waved a hand. “I don’t even want to know.” “I’ll save the stories for after we have all this stress and headache behind us.” “Much appreciated.” “Speaking of which, how is everything going with the move?” He exhaled. “A royal pain in the ass, as is expected.” He 8

ON THE LIST

paused to change lanes and let another car pass. “The movers are going in tomorrow to pack everything out of my storage unit, and all I have besides that are the suitcases I’m living out of right now.” “Sounds like you have everything under control.” Elliott shot me a sideways glance. “And you expected…?” “Good point,” I said with a grin. “So how many people do you think will be there?” “Forty or so,” he said. “Still haven’t heard back from maybe a dozen people, but at least thirty are definitely on the list.” “Sounds like it’ll be a good-sized party.” “It better be,” he said. “Only three people show up, I might have to go all groomzilla on someone.” I laughed. “I’d pay to see that.” “I’m sure you would.” He tried and failed not to laugh. “Oh, did I tell you? My mom keeps asking if one of us is going to change our name.” “Well, we could,” I said. “Hyphenate it, or combine our names somehow.” “Combine them?” He eyed me. “How the hell do we combine Windsor and Chandler? Put them together and call ourselves Windchime?” I snickered. “Oh, yeah, that sounds like a plan.” “It was a thought,” he said, chuckling. “Uh-huh.” Neither of us spoke for a minute or two as he pulled off the freeway and headed down the road toward his sister’s house. Finally, Elliott broke the silence. “You really don’t mind a sort of big shindig for this?” He glanced at me, eyebrows up. “I mean, it’s—” 9

ON THE LIST

“Elliott.” I put my hand on his knee and ran my thumb back and forth along the seam of his jeans. “I dragged you up a mountain at three in the morning so I could propose. If I have to walk out on a beach and see you in a tux to marry you”—I touched the back of my other hand to my forehead and sighed dramatically—“oh, I suppose I’ll manage somehow.” He laughed. “Okay, I just don’t want it to be too much of a headache for you.” “A headache? You’ve done all the work, on top of getting ready to move. All I have to do is show up.” His laughter faded a little. I didn’t have to ask what was on his mind. Squeezing his leg, I said, “I’m not Ben, Elliott. I’m here, we’re doing this, and there’s no way in hell I’m going to change my mind.” Running my thumb back and forth along the side of his leg, I said, “I’m here. I will be there.” He smiled and glanced at me. “I know, I…” He trailed off and shook his head. “I wasn’t accusing you of anything. You know how it is.” “Yeah, I do.” I brought his hand up to my lips and kissed the backs of his fingers. “But I’m afraid you’re stuck with me, so you might as well get used to it. And as for that idiot?” I shrugged. “Well, his loss is my gain, isn’t it?” “I suppose it is.” Elliott grinned. “Maybe I should call him up and thank him. I mean, had it not been for him, we never would have met.” “Hmm. Maybe I should call him.” “Now, now, that would be gloating.” “Oh, and it wouldn’t be if you called?” He scoffed. “Not at all. I would merely be expressing genuine 10

ON THE LIST

gratitude for the things he did that put into motion the series of events that led me to you.” I raised an eyebrow. He looked at me and shrugged. “What?” “That wouldn’t be gloating?” I asked. “Not even a little?” “Okay, maybe a little.” We both laughed, and a few minutes later, he pulled up to his sister’s house. We unloaded what little luggage I had, and I followed him upstairs to the guest room where he’d been staying since he’d moved out of his apartment. I set my laptop case down and sat on the edge of the bed, then paused to stretch again. “Man, you’d think I’d be used to making this trip by now.” “Yeah, right,” he muttered. “It kicks my ass every damned time.” He nodded toward the bed. “You want to crash for a couple of hours? We don’t have to be anywhere for a while.” “Actually,” I said. “I could really use a shower.” He gestured down the hall. “Go right ahead. We don’t have anywhere to be any time soon.” “Go right ahead?” I stood and playfully grabbed the front of his shirt. “You make it sound like you weren’t planning on joining me.” “I thought you were tired,” he said. “I am.” I leaned in to kiss the side of his neck. “But I’m never too tired for you.” Sliding his arms around my waist, he moaned softly at the touch of my lips beneath his jaw. “So you want me to join you, then?” “Elliott, Elliott, Elliott.” I clicked my tongue and raised my head. Dragging him with me toward the bathroom, I said, “After this long, you should know that answer’s always the same.” 11

ON THE LIST

“Maybe I just like hearing you say it.” “In that case…” I hooked my fingers in his belt loops and pulled his hips to mine. Against his lips, I whispered, “Yes, I want you to join me.”

12

ON THE LIST

CHAPTER 2 I’d thought it was exhausting hearing everything on Elliott’s mental list of preparations, but that had nothing on the actual execution. By halfway through my second day in town, my jetlagged brain was screaming for a little downtime. It was all necessary, though, so I trudged through, especially because I didn’t want to stress Elliott out any more than he already was. Just waiting for the movers—who were twenty-three minutes late—had been enough for him to break out in a sweat. Before I knew it, Wednesday had arrived, and we were on our way to my parents’ house for dinner with them and my siblings. At least that would be a low-key evening. Elliott and I were clearly the opposites of our families: I was the laidback extrovert among the tightly-wound and reserved, and he was the tightly-wound— 13

ON THE LIST

though less so in the last year—and reserved one among a bunch of laidback extroverts. Elliott pulled up in front of my parents’ house. My sister’s truck and my brother’s car were in the driveway, so he parked on the curb. “Looks like the whole group is here,” I said. “Good,” Elliott said. “Maybe they can finally RSVP so I can stop hyperventilating.” I laughed and patted his leg. “I’d tell you to relax, but I know you too well. Don’t worry, I’ll get an answer out of them before we leave tonight.” “Thank you.” We got out of the car and walked up the driveway. I was glad to see my siblings here; having them stationed near Mom and Dad made family visits so much easier. I hadn’t seen much of any of them on my last half dozen or so visits, but then again, my brother and I barely managed to see each other when he was stationed at Pearl Harbor. On my second trip to see Elliott, I’d introduced him to the family, but every time I’d come back since then, it was virtually impossible to line up everyone’s schedules and see anyone. Hell, my brother was the only one so far who’d met Elliott more than once. But tonight, everyone was finally here. I rang the doorbell, and a moment later, my mother opened the front door. She greeted us with a taut smile, and hugged me halfheartedly. That’s odd, I thought as she let me go and avoided my eyes. My mother was reserved like the rest of the family, but any time she saw me, she hugged me so hard I joked she was trying to kill me. This time, she’d given me the kind of quick, loose embrace 14

ON THE LIST

she might have offered to an acquaintance. She didn’t offer Elliott so much as a handshake, which wasn’t that unusual. “Elliott,” she said with a smile that didn’t extend beyond her lips. “It’s good to see you again.” “You, too,” Elliott said with a much more genuine smile. “The family’s in here.” She gestured toward the living room, and turned to go before either of us could say a word. Elliott looked at me, eyebrows up. I shrugged. Following my mother into the living room where the rest of the family relaxed, my gut twisted into knots. What was I missing? Those knots twisted even tighter when everyone in the living room—Dad, Jamie and her husband Bill, and Kevin— simultaneously tensed as Elliott and I walked in. We exchanged stiff handshakes that lacked eye contact, and my sister embraced me with less enthusiasm than my mother had. My family wasn’t the most outgoing, affectionate bunch, and maybe I just wasn’t used to that anymore. After spending the last two evenings with Elliott’s family, who were the polar opposites, my family’s reserved, aloof nature was more pronounced than usual. But…something wasn’t right. The atmosphere was unusually chilly, and there was an odd undercurrent in the air that raised the hairs on the back of my neck. My family members exchanged disconcerted glances. My father’s ramrod straight posture was tenser than usual, his neck stiff and, whenever he wasn’t speaking, his jaw set. Stranger still, we hadn’t been there ten minutes before my brother pulled Elliott aside. “You still playing Zombie Warfare 3?” “I beat it a couple of months ago,” Elliott said. “Just counting down the days before the fourth one comes out.” 15

ON THE LIST

“You’ve beaten it? How the hell did you get past level nine?” He gestured down the hall. “I have my laptop here; would you mind showing me?” Elliott looked at me. I shrugged, so he said to Kevin, “Yeah, sure, I can give you some pointers.” “Cool. My computer’s in the back room.” After Kevin and Elliott left the room, I turned back to my family again, and everyone was looking at me. The air hummed with tension. My heart beat faster as I looked from person to person, wondering what the hell I was missing. I gulped. “What?” My mother took a breath. “Sweetheart, this is a difficult thing to bring up, and we—” “We aren’t coming to your wedding,” my father broke in. My lips parted. “What?” My mother scowled at him, but turned back to me. “Listen, we love you, but what you’re doing, we just…we can’t be a part of this.” I stared at her. “Since when?” “Derek, you’re marrying a man,” Bill spat. “You can’t really expect us to support that.” Beside him, with her husband’s arm encircling her shoulders, my sister fidgeted but didn’t look me in the eye. My mother shot Bill a look, then turned to me again. “Derek, we’ve accepted what you are—” “Tolerated it,” Dad growled. “—but this?” Mom shook her head. “Honey, you’re asking too much.” “Am I?” I said. “All I’m asking is for you to be there when I get married.” 16

ON THE LIST

“To another man,” my father replied. “Yeah.” I raised my eyebrows. “And?” They all exchanged glances. I could read between the lines, but I wanted them to out and say it. Leave me no room for doubt. Just fucking say it. Then Jamie made a frustrated gesture with one hand. “The thing is, none of us ever expected this. You’ve said yourself since you were in your twenties that you were going to be a bachelor forever.” “Which ought to tell you something about how I feel about Elliott.” My voice cracked. I swallowed hard, cleared my throat, then went on. “I never had any plans to marry anyone, but I love him. I want to spend the rest of my life with him.” Don’t think I missed that disgusted look, Bill. “But why do you need to get married?” My mother wrinkled her nose. With a note of bitterness, she added, “It’s not as if you’ve ever wanted children or anything.” “The two of them shouldn’t be allowed to raise children anyway,” Bill growled. I glared at him. “Better a couple of gay men than a bigot.” “Derek,” Jamie said with a note of warning in her voice. “Don’t.” “Don’t what, Jamie?” I snapped. “Don’t call him out for being a more toxic influence on your kid than a loving gay couple could—” “Derek.” My mother glared at me, Bill, and Jamie in turn, her eyes warning us against discussing that topic any further. Then she faced me again. “Son, we’ve always supported you in everything you’ve done—” “The fuck you have,” I threw back. I wasn’t normally so 17

ON THE LIST

confrontational, but when outnumbered four to one with one of the biggest days of my life up for debate, my hackles went up. My mother stiffened. “I don’t like cursing in my house. You know that.” Oh, but you don’t mind helping the rest of the family gang up on your son about his goddamned wedding? I put up my hands. “Sorry. But, really, when have you and Dad ever been supportive?” “How much support do you expect for something like this?” Bill asked. Jamie squeezed his leg and, when he looked at her, gave him a “shut up” look. He scowled, but said nothing more. “I don’t see how you can say we haven’t been supportive,” Mom said. “We have tolerated—” “Tolerated,” I said through my teeth. “Not supported.” “You can’t expect us to support this,” my father said. “We’ve made ourselves clear about your insistence on dating other men, and we’ve put up with it even though it’s completely inappropriate. But this? You really expect to make a mockery of marriage while we smile through it and give it our blessing?” I swallowed hard, refusing to let my emotions get the best of me now. “That doesn’t explain why you’ve tolerated my choice of universities or my career. Or where I chose to live.” My mother pursed her lips. “We only wanted what’s best for you, Derek. You know that.” “Is that right?” I gritted my teeth to keep my voice even. “Or did you want what was best for your party conversations and bragging to your friends?” “This isn’t up for discussion.” My father’s tone was icy. “You and Elliott can do whatever you wish. None of us have ever tried to interfere with your decisions. But this?” He gestured sharply. “No, 18

ON THE LIST

I won’t be a part of this.” I swallowed, forcing my emotions to stay beneath the surface. “Is it just because he’s a man, Dad? Or because he’s a civilian? Would you be happier if I were marrying a goddamned officer?” He clenched his jaw. “It isn’t appropriate for you to marry another man.” “Appropriate by whose standards?” I narrowed my eyes. “You’re retired now. No one’s going to screw with your career because your son is gay.” I paused, shaking my head. “And, why the fuck did you all wait until now to tell me? You’ve met Elliott. You’ve known about this for months. It didn’t occur to anyone to call me? Or—” I cut myself off, my eyes darting down the hallway where Elliott and Kevin had gone. “Wait, did you guys put Kevin up to this or something?” I gestured down the hall. “So Elliott wouldn’t be in here?” Mom’s cheeks reddened. “Well, we…wanted to talk to you alone.” “He’s a part of this, too,” I said. “If you’re suggesting he’s a part of this family,” my father growled, “he most certainly is not.” He threw me the steely, nonnegotiable glare that had shut me down countless times as a kid. “And Saturday won’t change that.” I stared at my parents, completely dumbstruck. Laughter from down the hall turned every head. When Elliott and Kevin appeared, Elliott stopped in his tracks. Amusement shifted to alarm, and he met my eyes, raising his eyebrows in an unspoken “what’s going on?” My brother avoided my eyes. I rose and looked at Elliott. “You ready to go?” Confusion furrowed his brow, but all it took was one glance around my gathered family members and he nodded. 19

ON THE LIST

We started for the front door, and no one—no one—tried to stop us. For the first five or ten minutes, the car ride was silent. I stared out the passenger side window, eyes unfocused and mind reeling. My family had always been difficult to please. They’d never been thrilled that I was gay. This…this was new. This was the first time they’d ever abandoned quiet, sullen disapproval in favor of outright rejection. It was Elliott who finally broke the silence in the car. He put his hand on my knee and softly asked, “You okay?” “My family won’t be there on Saturday,” was all I could say. I silently prayed he wouldn’t press for details about why. About what had happened while he and Kevin were out of the room. Elliott said nothing. He found my hand in the darkness and laced our fingers together, but he didn’t ask. The thirty minute drive from my parents’ place to Elliott’s sister’s house was uncomfortably silent. I hated to keep so quiet with him, keeping him in the dark about what happened, but my mind hadn’t even begun to make sense of it all yet. I was used to my family’s criticism, their disapproval over every move I made, but I’d never imagined they’d dig their heels in over something like this. I’d never thought I disgusted them like this, and the whole conversation left my skin crawling beneath my clothes. After we’d gotten out of the car and gone up to the guest bedroom where we were staying, I sank onto the bed and rested my elbows on my knees. Clasping my hands together, I closed my eyes and pressed my thumbs into the bridge of my nose. The mattress shifted, and Elliott’s leg brushed mine as he sat next to me. His hand materialized between my shoulder blades, and the warm contact relieved some of the tension that had been 20

ON THE LIST

knotting my muscles since we left my parents’ house. “You all right?” he asked, and I had a feeling he just couldn’t think of anything else to say. Didn’t want to pry, didn’t want to ignore me, but probably knew full well I was anything but all right. I combed a hand through my hair and sighed. “I can’t believe they’re bailing on our wedding.” He squeezed my shoulder. “What happened?” I took a deep breath, then told him everything that had been said. The conversation had been brief, but just rehashing it seemed to take hours, and was just as exhausting as sitting through it. “You’d think they would have mentioned it years ago.” Every word required almost all the energy I had left. “Not that any of us are great at talking about things, but…damn. It’s like…” I exhaled hard. “I’m used to them not approving of me, but now they’re rejecting you.” Elliott put his arm around me and rested his chin on my shoulder. “I’m so sorry,” he whispered. “I wish there was more I could say, but…” “No, it’s okay.” I turned my head and kissed him gently. “I guess this just means we can scratch them off the list.” He said nothing, just kept his arm around me and kissed my cheek. Finally, he said, “You want to call it a night?” I glanced at the clock. It was still early in the evening, but I was exhausted, and it was only partially because of lingering jet lag. “You don’t mind turning in early?” I said. “Not at all.” We got rid of our clothes, climbed into bed, and I held onto Elliott like he was all I had left. 21

ON THE LIST

CHAPTER 3 The following day, Elliott and I left for Ocean Shores after the evening commute had dissipated. Not a moment too soon as far as I was concerned. The farther I was from my family right now, the better, even if every inch of distance we gained hurt like hell. No sense thinking about that, though. Nothing could be done. I was doing this, and I was doing it alone. Well, alone where the Windsor family was concerned. The Chandlers would be there en masse this weekend, and with any luck, their presence would negate my family’s absence. Wishful thinking, but it was all I had right now. The freeway twisted and wound away from Seattle, taking us south toward the highway that would lead us out to the coast. “Think you’ll miss living here?” I asked after a while. 22

ON THE LIST

Elliott shrugged. “I don’t know. I find I miss Maui when I’m here more than I miss Seattle when I’m there, but I can’t decide if that’s the island or…” He glanced at me with a mischievous grin on his lips. I laughed. “Guess we’ll find out when we get there, won’t we?” “Guess we will.” He rested his hand on my leg. “You ever miss living on the mainland?” “Not really,” I said. “I mean, there are times when I have the itch to go snowboarding, and it would be nice to just get in the car and drive someplace where I can do so, but I really wouldn’t trade living there for the world.” I paused. “Fair warning, the isolation might take some getting used to.” He nodded. “So you’ve said.” Living on a small island could make some people go stir-crazy. They felt fenced in by that huge expanse of ocean. Not me. I was one of those people who liked the isolation. Sometimes living on an island wasn’t even isolated enough, and I drove, hiked, climbed as far into the middle of nowhere as I could. Maui wasn’t huge, but for someone willing to leave the beaten path, it was wonderfully easy to get lost. It was a safe bet I’d be looking to get lost—with Elliott, of course—shortly after we arrived next week. Elliott drew me back out of my thoughts. “I can pretty much guarantee my parents will end up coming to see us before Christmas.” “Which set of parents?” “My dad and Mary, definitely,” he said. “Mom and John will probably try to squeak out some vacation in the spring, after John’s done with tax season.” “Well, tell them they’re always welcome.” I rested my elbow below the window and absently ran my hand through my hair. “I’ll 23

ON THE LIST

be tied up with launching that new company for the first part of the year, but by May or June, I should be able to disappear for a few days.” Elliott chuckled. “By then, you’ll probably need it.” “No kidding.” I smiled. “But don’t worry, I’ll still have free time. Just, you know, some late nights and probably some short weekends for the first few months.” He shrugged. “Fine by me. I’m used to only seeing you every few months anyway, so it won’t be that traumatic.” “Good point.” We exchanged glances, and both laughed softly. Silence fell between us. That wasn’t unusual, but a surreptitious glance revealed creases in his forehead that suggested he had something on his mind. “Penny for your thoughts?” I said. He smiled half-heartedly, but kept his attention focused on the road ahead. “Just…thinking.” “I’m assuming you’re not pondering the theory of relativity.” “What?” He shot me a playful glare. “Are you suggesting I’m not intelligent enough to ponder that?” “Not at all,” I said. “But I would hope my company inspires kinkier, dirtier thoughts.” “Kinkier, you say?” He raised an eyebrow. “Don’t change the subject.” Elliott laughed, but his humor quickly faded. He took a breath, drumming his thumbs on the steering wheel. “Okay, I was…thinking about last night.” I swallowed. “I’m assuming you’re not referring to everything we did in bed.” He shook his head and moistened his lips. Then he took a 24

ON THE LIST

breath. “Are you sure you’re okay with everything? With your folks?” I sighed. “There isn’t much I can do about it.” “Yeah, but are you, you know, okay with it?” “As okay as I can be,” I said with a shrug. “I just wish they hadn’t waited until the last minute to drop the damned bomb on me.” “No shit,” Elliott muttered. “I always thought they were somewhat supportive. Not exactly going to gay pride parades or anything, but…” “I’ve always known they didn’t like it,” I said. “I just, I don’t know. I guess I thought they’d learned to accept it. Especially once my dad got over the fact that I wouldn’t join the military even if I could. My family’s not exactly known for being able to discuss things like this, so…” I trailed off, shaking my head and looking out the window. Elliott put his hand on my knee and squeezed gently. “You going to be all right this weekend?” I smiled and clasped his hand in mine. Bringing it up to my lips, I said, “Elliott, we’re getting married. I will be just fine this weekend.” He glanced at me and smiled, and then drove on. And deep down, I wondered if he believed me any more than I did. *

*

*

About three hours after we left Seattle, Elliott stopped outside a small cabin. He left the engine running and went inside to check in and get our key. Then he came back, drove us down a winding 25

ON THE LIST

one-lane road, and parked in front of a slightly larger cabin. “This is the place.” He turned off the engine and looked at me. “Think it’ll do?” There was a playful lilt in his voice, but uncertainty hid in the twin crevices between his eyebrows. I leaned across the console and kissed him. “I have no doubt it’ll do just fine.” We got out of the car. An immediate sense of tranquility washed over me with the crashing of the surf just beyond the row of cabins, and the warm, salty breeze shook some tension out of my shoulders. It may not have been the tropical warmth and crystal clear waters of Maui, but Jesus, it was heavenly. Elliott keyed the door open, and gestured for me to go in ahead of him. I stepped inside and looked around. God, it was perfect. I’d added his name to one of my accounts a few months ago, and he’d used that to make a lot of our arrangements. Though there was plenty to cover the expenses and then some, he’d insisted on using some of his own money, not to mention busting his ass to find the best prices on pretty much everything. That was one thing I’d always loved about him. A lot of guys I dated liked me until they saw my house or my car or something to indicate I had money. Then they were effectively dating my wallet, and I was more or less only necessary when they needed a blow job or a credit card signature. If there was one thing that bothered me more than people disapproving of me because of my job or lifestyle, it was people who gravitated toward me because of my job or lifestyle. But Elliott? He wasn’t like that. After he saw the house and the car, he was still the same guy I’d met in the snowed-in airport. He’d noticed, and he’d asked about my job, but nothing changed 26

ON THE LIST

between us after I brought him home the first time. Sometimes I paid at restaurants, sometimes he did, but we usually split the check. As much as I’d told him he didn’t need to work once he moved to Maui, he insisted on it, and already had a handful of interviews lined up for when we arrived next week. I liked that. He was independent, and anything but a gold digger. Here in Ocean Shores, there were some eye-wateringly expensive places to stay, but Elliott had opted for the small beach cabins a little farther from town. He’d sworn up and down he just liked the looks of the accommodations, but I’d suspected he also liked the price. Now that I was here, though, I was more inclined to believe him. The interior reminded me more of a log cabin in the woods than a beachfront house. It lacked the sleek, marble-and-chrome sterility of some of the high-end places, the owners having opted for a warmer, more homey look. A faded but still attractive rug over hardwood floors. Furniture constructed out of heavily knotted cedar instead of imported teak or mahogany. A woodstove for heat, which we wouldn’t need this time of year, but still added to the cabin’s atmosphere. And taking up close to half of the cabin, a bed that was maybe queen size, rather than an expansive California king like we might have found elsewhere. Just the kind of bed that would force us to sleep close together whether we wanted to or—yeah, like that was even an issue. Elliott closed the door. “What do you think?” “Hmm.” I set my suitcase down. “I think something’s missing.” “Is it?” 27

ON THE LIST

“Yeah.” I put my arms around his waist and kissed him. “It needs a few more clothes on the floor.” “Does it, now?” He grinned into my kiss. “Shouldn’t we wait for our wedding night or something?” I bent and kissed his neck. “Are you saying you want to stop?” I slid my hand over the front of his jeans until he sucked in a hiss of breath. “If you want to stop and wait until Saturday, just say so.” I nipped his earlobe. “God, no,” he growled. I laughed and raised my head. “That’s what I thought.” Elliott said nothing. He just grabbed the sides of my neck, kissed me, and pushed me back a step. Then another. By the time we made it across the tiny room to the bed, his shirt was gone. We got as far as undoing his belt and jeans before we sank into bed together. Semi-dressed, but too turned on to bother with the rest of our clothes just yet. Never breaking eye contact, I sat on the edge of the bed and lay back, drawing him down with me. For the longest time, we simply held each other and kissed. Not making out like a couple of horny teenagers, not some breathless heavy petting before moving on to what we really wanted. This was kissing for its own sake. Tasting each other because there was nothing else we’d rather do. His hard cock pressed against my hip, and I knew exactly what he wanted, and I wanted it, too, but neither of us made any move to rush this. He released a breath and with it, a deep growl that I felt rather than heard. Without a word, he reached between us, squeezing my cock through my jeans. I groaned against his neck and one of us shuddered, but I couldn’t be sure who. I touched his face and kissed him again. His hips twisted slightly, and a shoe thumped onto the floor. A second later, another 28

ON THE LIST

twist, another thump. I did the same as his hands slid under my shirt. Together, we sat up long enough for him to pull my shirt up and off, then we slowly fell back to the bed. Lying like this, skin to skin and kissing hungrily, the heat of his body against mine was too much and not enough. The only thing more intense than feeling him was my need to feel more of him. I hadn’t worn a belt today, so he went straight for the top button of my jeans. My awareness slowly pulled itself away from rational thought as my zipper separated at Elliott’s fingertips. I trailed kisses over his jaw and down his neck. Every time his chest rose and fell with a deep, ragged breath, or his skin warmed my lips, I nearly went out of my mind. When I held his nipple between my teeth and flicked it with my tongue, his throaty groan made me shiver. “Oh God, just like that.” He released a hiss of breath and his back arched as his fingertips ran up and down the back of my neck. “Jesus, Derek…” Starting toward his other nipple, I glanced up just in time to see him wet his lips. I suddenly needed to taste his mouth again, and he must have seen my hunger, because as I came up to kiss him, he rose to meet me. His hand drifted down my chest. He’d already drawn my zipper most of the way down, so it didn’t take much for his hand to slide past my waistband and into my boxers. He hadn’t even touched my cock when a preemptive shudder ran up my spine and my gasp broke the kiss. “Fuck,” I breathed. He laughed softly against my lips. “I’m not even touching you yet.” “I know, but you’re—” 29

ON THE LIST

He was touching me now. Good God, was he ever. His whole hand slowly stroked my cock, but his fingers seemed to work independently of each other. One squeezed harder than the next, one released while another tightened. A little pressure here, gentle friction there, separately stimulating and collectively overwhelming. We struggled to keep kissing even while we got out of our remaining clothes. Finally, we gave up, separating long enough to throw our jeans and boxers over the side of the bed. When our lips met again, the long breaths we both released were as much from arousal as they were relief to be touching again. Resting my forehead against his, I closed my eyes while my lungs searched for air, while—okay, forget air, his mouth will do just fine. I was dizzy, not sure if it was from his hand or my lack of air or his kiss, didn’t know, didn’t care. Just before my balance took its leave, though, Elliott gently nudged me onto my back. As I had done earlier, he kissed his way down my neck and chest. I bit my lip, expecting him to tease my nipples with his tongue, but he kept going. A trail of warm, light kisses on my abs sent goose bumps prickling down my arms, and the closer his mouth got to my aching cock, the less I could think or even fucking breathe. He stroked me gently and his mouth was so close, his breath whispered across the head of my cock. Then his lips were around my cock, and all I could do was close my eyes and groan. Everything he did with his mouth liquefied my spine and made the room spin faster. He’d long ago memorized all those erogenous places where even the lightest touch could draw a whimper or a shudder out of me, and he capitalized on every last one of them. Lips, tongue, fingers, even the gentlest brush of his teeth, until 30

ON THE LIST

even if I wanted to, I couldn’t think of anything except how much he turned me on. He took me right to that precarious edge between holding back and losing it, and he held me there for…for a while. Seconds? Minutes? Half the night? No way to know for sure. And just when I couldn’t handle another second without coming, he stopped. Before I could protest, he said, “I want you to fuck me.” Oh, sweet Jesus, yes. I licked my lips. “Then we’d better get a condom and lube, shouldn’t we?” “I have plenty in my bag,” Elliott said, and he got up. Naturally, he knew exactly where they were, and he didn’t have to rifle around and search before he found the condoms and bottle of lube. In seconds, he rejoined me on the bed again and handed me the square foil packet. I looked at the condom in my hand, a question lingering on the tip of my tongue. We were, after all, monogamous. We’d long ago been tested for everything, and our wedding was on the horizon. No, that was something to discuss when it wasn’t in the heat of the moment. When a conversation wouldn’t slow us down and keep me from being inside him when my body ached so badly for that first deep stroke. “Derek?” I met Elliott’s eyes. “Hmm?” He furrowed his brow. “You okay?” “Yeah.” I grinned, then tore the wrapped with my teeth. “Just trying to decide on a position.” “And?” He eyed me as he poured some lube into his hand. “What decision did you come to?” “Hmm.” I rolled the condom on. “Maybe I should let you decide.” 31

ON THE LIST

“Decisions, decisions.” Elliott curved a hand around the back of my neck and pulled me to him. Kissing me deeply, he stroked my cock, smoothing lube onto the condom. Between his hand and his kiss, though, the condom was about to become a moot point. I gently grasped his wrist and stopped his hand. “Careful,” I whispered. “Or this will be over before we get very far.” He grinned against my lips and his fingers released me. “In that case…” He leaned against me, and I let him nudge me onto my back. He got on top, and his hard cock pressed against me. Though the condom I wore kept his skin from mine, that diluted contact was more than enough to make me shiver. Fuck, I could never get enough of him. For the longest time, we barely moved. We ignored the passage of time and just kissed. Fingers through hair, lips against lips, skin against skin. “God, Elliott,” I whispered. “I can’t fucking wait.” “Neither can I,” he growled, and sat up. I put some more lube on my cock, just to make sure there was enough, and he raised his hips off me. Once I’d guided my cock to him, he came back down, taking me inch by inch. He stopped when he had me all the way to the hilt, and he leaned down to kiss me. I held him tight, one arm around him and the other hand trembling against the back of his neck. He rode me slowly, so fucking slowly, but still took my breath away until I was panting too hard to keep kissing him. Elliott touched his forehead to mine, and I closed my eyes as he took my cock again, and again, and again, all the while releasing warm, sharp huffs of breath against my skin that I swore turned me on even more than my cock moving inside him. “Fuck, I love the way you feel,” he groaned. 32

ON THE LIST

“You feel incredible,” I said, panting harder as he moved a little faster. “Goddamn it, Elliott…” He pushed himself up, and I nearly lost it when he grabbed one of my wrists, then the other, and pinned them to the pillow. My hands opened and closed, searching for contact with his skin, but he held them down. A cool ripple of electricity passed through me as he pushed himself up and slowly moved his hips back and forth. He was in control now, and my surrender brought him to life as the bold, uninhibited lover who always drove me wild. Picking up speed, he rode my cock as hard as he could, panting through clenched teeth. A hint of perspiration just in front of his hairline caught the light and exertion brought the cords out of his neck. Every time he came down, I had to fight to keep from losing control. I may have been the one inside him, but he was in control, and I had never been so turned on in all my life. I wanted to feel him, to be inside him, to fuck the hell out of him, for as long as humanly possible, but I wanted so badly to come. “Oh God,” he groaned. “Oh God, I’m…” He screwed his eyes shut and threw his head back, his grip on my wrists bordering on painful. His steady rhythm fell apart, as did his breathing, and when he whispered a string of slurred profanity, I dug my heels into the bed and thrust up. His eyes flew open and his spine straightened with a tremor that continued right to my cock, into me, and up my spine. When he moaned and his semen hit my chest, there was no holding back. “Holy…oh…fuck…” My pinned hands closed around thin air, my hips lifted off the bed, and with little more than a whimper, I came. He let go of my wrists and sank down to me. I put my arms around him, our lips moving lazily together while my fingers ran 33

ON THE LIST

through his sweat-cooled hair. He raised his head to kiss me. When I gently tugged his hair back so I could kiss his neck, he shivered against me. “Think we’ll get tired of this when we can do it whenever we want?” he asked. I kissed beneath his jaw. “I think I’ll die of exhaustion before we get to that point.” “Hmm, you’re probably right.” His lips found mine again. “What a way to go, right?” I laughed. “Absolutely.” We finally managed to pry ourselves apart long enough to clean up and get ready for bed. Elliott kissed me lightly. “One more day, and you’re no longer a free man.” I clicked my tongue and touched the back of my hand to my forehead. “Oh, no, what ever will I do?” He laughed. Then he kissed me again and whispered, “I love you.” “I love you, too.” I kissed him one more time, and he rested his head on my shoulder. It wasn’t long at all before Elliott fell asleep in my arms, but I was wide awake. Wide awake, and hoping to God he was blissfully dreaming and unaware of the thoughts running through my head. Or how much those thoughts killed me. It hurt that my family had all but asked me to choose between them and him. To them, what Elliott and I had was inappropriate, socially unacceptable, disgusting, whatever. To me, lying like this with his head on my shoulder and my fingers combing through his hair, this made perfect sense. How anyone could find any fault in this, anything wrong with being in love with someone the way I 34

ON THE LIST

was in love with Elliott, I’d never understand. Even with my family’s rejection still stinging like a fresh wound, I was happier than I’d ever been in my life. If they didn’t want to be a part of my wedding to Elliott, then it was their loss. Now, though, with Elliott in my arms and our wedding creeping closer by the second, I wondered. Would I regret this? I’d ached for my parents’ approval since I was a kid, and now I had my entire family closing the door in my face over this decision. I didn’t get to where I was in life by doing what pleased them or anyone else, but this cut to the bone. For the first time, much as it killed me to admit it, I had doubts. Not about whether I wanted to marry Elliott, but whether I could. If they’d given me more time, if they’d told me this months ago, it would be different. Maybe. Maybe not. I didn’t know. But I was still reeling from their collective rejection, and the wound was still raw. Elliott had already been stood up at the altar once, and I wouldn’t do that to him. I wouldn’t disappear on him or leave him to be humiliated like that. But here in the darkness where no one could read my mind or see it in my eyes, I had doubts. I didn’t know if I could go through with this. I didn’t know if I could stand up there with him and promise to have and to hold, knowing that every word separated me a little more from my family. I held Elliott a little tighter and kissed the top of his head as he slept soundly against me. Standing on top of Haleakala four months ago, with a ring in my hand and my heart pounding in my chest, I’d never been so sure of anything. I wanted to marry him, and that was all there was to it. I still did. I still wanted his ring on my finger more than anyone 35

ON THE LIST

in my family could possibly imagine. But this also hurt more than they could imagine, and I didn’t know what to do about it.

36

ON THE LIST

CHAPTER 4 A few blocks from the cabins was the restaurant where the reception would be held, and it was also where Elliott and his parents had planned a party for Friday night. Since we weren’t doing a rehearsal, they still wanted to have something like a rehearsal dinner. When Elliott and I stepped into the lounge on the upper floor, which had been commandeered for the party, I couldn’t help chuckling. The high-end restaurant had been converted into a Hawaiian theme, complete with brightly colored flowers and leis. Every drink was decked out with at least two or three umbrellas, not to mention colorful plastic parrots sitting on top of toothpicks that speared chunks of pineapple. Some godawful excuse for Hawaiian 37

ON THE LIST

music played in the background, and a flat screen TV showed fire dancers and hula performances. Clearly, no expense had been spared to make this as ridiculous as possible, rather than some stuffy formal event, and I knew, from the moment I walked in, that this was going to be a fun night. And it was indeed a fun evening. Elliott’s family certainly knew how to throw a party. People drank, but not to excess. Everyone danced, everyone laughed, and people I didn’t even know came up and talked to me like I’d been a member of this family for years. When the deejay played some old-school song I didn’t recognize, Elliott’s long-divorced parents went out on the dance floor and entertained the hell out of everyone with a dance they’d obviously done many times. It had probably been a while, since they were both rusty, but they were obviously having a good time while their current spouses, along with everyone else, cheered them on. No drama. No tension. Just family and friends having a grand time like there was no reason not to. I could definitely get used to this family. During dinner, Elliott’s dad stood and raised his glass. “I’d like to propose a toast,” he said. “For one, to my son, for marrying someone who lives in Hawaii, and promising to put his stepmother and me up for weeks at a time on a moment’s notice.” Elliott’s eyes widened, but I just laughed. “Okay, okay, to be serious,” his dad said. “I won’t bore everyone with a lengthy speech, even if it would embarrass my son, but I think I speak for everyone here when I say this is a wonderful occasion, and I couldn’t be happier. Congratulations to both of you, and, Derek, welcome to the Chandler family.” I smiled and gave a slight nod as I raised my glass, pretending 38

ON THE LIST

it didn’t sting to know no one would be extending the same words to Elliott. The toasts were mercifully few and short, and after dinner wound down, everyone got up to mingle. I met members of Elliott’s extended family, some friends, and all the while tried not to be aware of the people who weren’t here. At some point, Elliott nodded past me. “Looks like your buddies are here.” I turned around. “Hey, hey, hey.” Christian held out his arms as he approached, flanked by Brian and Jack, my other two business partners. “There’s the groom himself.” “You guys made it!” I grinned and embraced him. I bumped fists with Brian and Jack, then slipped my arm around Elliott’s waist. “You guys all remember Elliott, right?” “Remember him?” Jack snorted. “Of course we do.” He extended his hand to Elliott. “Congrats, man. Even if you did cost me three hundred bucks.” Elliott blinked. “What? How?” Brian elbowed Jack. “He said there was no way the D-man was settling down before he was fifty.” I rolled my eyes. “I can’t believe you fuckers put money on whether or not I’d ever settle down.” “You have to admit,” Elliott said with a half-shrug, “the ‘Derek getting married’ horse was a long shot in the race, so…” I glared at him. “You’re not helping.” He threw back a toothy grin. The guys laughed. “Yep, totally made for each other,” Jack said. “No kidding,” Christian said. 39

ON THE LIST

“I’ll drink to that.” Brian looked at me. “So when are you back in the office again? We’ve got some conferences coming up with a couple of investors, so—” Elliott gave an exaggerated sigh. “Oh, Jesus. You guys and your shop talk.” Christian laughed. “Hey, just be glad they aren’t talking golf again. I had to listen to that non-stop on the flight and in the car.” “Not our fault you can’t figure the game out,” I said, shrugging and gesturing with my drink. “I mean, I realize all the conversations are way over your head and all.” “We could always start using little words if that’ll help,” Brian said. “Draw pictures, maybe?” I nodded. “Hey, there’s an idea.” “You guys suck,” Christian muttered. “It’s okay, Chris.” I clapped his shoulder. “They have a couple of putt-putt places up the street, so maybe we can teach—” “Man, fuck you.” I laughed. “Well, you know, it’s—” Movement from the corner of my eye caught my attention and halted me mid-sentence. More to myself than anyone, I murmured, “What the fuck…” “Derek?” Elliott said. “You all right? What’s—oh.” I swallowed hard and looked at the guys. “Would you excuse me for a minute?” They all murmured affirmatives, but their voices barely registered over my pounding heart. As soon as I could do so politely, I stepped away, and crossed the room to the person who’d caught my attention. I cleared my throat. “What are you doing here?” Kevin’s cheeks colored. “I, um. I wanted to talk to you. Before tomorrow.” 40

ON THE LIST

“Oh.” My stomach coiled into knots. “Are you here to try to talk me out of it?” My brother dropped his gaze. “I don’t…I’m not even sure why I’m here.” He looked me in the eyes. “Listen, Mom and Dad are really upset about everything.” “Something tells me you didn’t drive all the way out here to tell me they want to apologize.” He chewed his lip. “No.” The way he avoided my eyes tightened the knots in my gut. “Tell me you’re on my side here, Kev,” I pleaded. He sighed. “You know I’ve always supported you, but this…this, I just, I can’t.” “Why not?” Before he could speak, I put a hand up. “Why don’t we go outside? Someplace private.” Kevin nodded, but didn’t speak. I led him out onto the deck overlooking the ocean. The sun was on its way down, and the evening was still pleasantly warm, but the deck was deserted. The perfect place for two brothers to hash out something like this instead of celebrating, I thought bitterly. Once we were alone, I leaned against the wind-battered, whitewashed railing and faced my brother. He took a breath. “Why—” He paused, biting his lip. “Why do you have to get married? If you two are happy, why not just be together? It’s not like you get any legal benefit from it. So unless you’re just trying to make some sort of statement—” “The whole point is making a commitment to each other,” I snapped. “Look, I’ve done a lot of things in my life just to rebel against Dad, or against the status quo, but not this.” He raised a skeptical eyebrow. I fidgeted against the railing. “Honestly, I would have been 41

ON THE LIST

perfectly content if Elliott and I had just gone to Canada or Vegas, done a quiet little ceremony, and called it good. We did this”—I gestured at the room where everyone but us was drinking and celebrating—“so our friends and families could share it with us.” Chewing his lower lip, Kevin looked out at the ocean. “And why are you here now?” I asked. “You drove all the way here just to talk me out of this? I do have a cell phone, you know.” “I thought it was better to talk face to face.” He moistened his lips. “I mean, do you even know or care how this is going to affect the family?” “Does the family know or care how this is affecting me?” I exhaled hard. “Kev, I don’t want to hurt Mom and Dad. Or any of you. But, do you guys have any idea how much this hurts me?” He flinched. “That’s not what anyone’s setting out to do.” “And you think I’m setting out to hurt Mom, Dad, and the rest of you?” I hooked my thumbs in my pockets and tried not to look defensive. “Tomorrow’s supposed to be the best day of my life, and I can’t tell you how much it kills me that the entire family is bailing.” I shifted my weight. “You guys all think I’m doing this to make some sort of statement or throw my sexual orientation in people’s faces. Seems to me the ones making the statement are the ones who aren’t coming.” He eyed me. “So anyone who doesn’t come is a homophobe now?” I rolled my eyes. “Not at all. But the fact that you’re all specifically avoiding the wedding because we’re gay…” I shrugged. “Well, that does say something, don’t you think?” Kevin set his jaw and narrowed his eyes. This wasn’t getting us anywhere; maybe it was time for a different approach. “Let me ask you something,” I said. 42

ON THE LIST

“Go ahead.” “Whose idea was it for everyone to boycott my wedding?” He shrugged. “It was something we all agreed to.” “Yeah, but someone had to have brought it up in the first place.” Kevin dropped his gaze. “Bill’s. Dad jumped on the idea. Mom wasn’t sure about it at first. I guess it rubbed her the wrong way to be bailing on her son’s wedding, even if she didn’t like who you were marrying.” I winced. “What about you?” He didn’t answer. “Kevin, just be honest with me.” He ran a hand through his hair and looked out at the ocean. “Derek, you know I’ve always tried to support you. I’ve stuck up for you when Dad’s given you hell.” I cocked my head. “But…?” He sighed. “But this time, I just…I just don’t know.” “You know what, Kevin?” I growled. “This isn’t up for your approval, or Mom or Dad’s approval, or anyone else’s. Nothing I have ever done has ever been good enough for Dad, and apparently none of you can deal with this. If you guys don’t want to be there tomorrow, fine. But I will be, and so will Elliott. If none of you can accept the fact that, as of tomorrow, he’ll be my husband…” I shrugged and waved a hand. “There’s nothing I can do. I’m not going to bend over backward to convince all of you to accept my marriage.” “Derek.” He mimicked our dad’s impatient head-tilt with flawless precision. “We all accept you. We all love you. But this— ” He gestured toward the restaurant where my fiancé and his family were. “Can you see why we might have a hard time getting 43

ON THE LIST

our heads around this?” “Yet you all decided to wait until the week before it happened to say anything?” He exhaled. “None of us wanted to say anything. That, and we all figured you’d…” He trailed off, shifting his gaze out to the ocean. “You figured I’d what?” Kevin took a breath and met my eyes. “None of us thought you’d actually go through with it.” I blinked. “What? Why the fuck not?” He shrugged. “Marrying another man? Come on, Derek. Marriage has never been high on your list anyway—” “Partly owing to the fact that it isn’t legal,” I said. “Even still,” he said. “How many times have you blown Mom off when she asks when you’re going to settle down?” “I haven’t blown her off. I’ve told her the truth. I was happy, and I didn’t feel the need to settle down.” He raised an eyebrow. “But now…?” “Now I have him.” I gestured toward the window. “This isn’t some phase I’m going through, or something I’m going through to fuck with people. My God, Kev, I’m pushing forty. Is it really so shocking I’d eventually find someone to settle down with?” He said nothing, just looked out at the ocean again and shifted his weight. “Just think about it objectively,” I said. “I’m in love with someone. I want to spend the rest of my life with that person, so much that I, of all people, am more than willing to put on a wedding ring.” I nodded toward the window, once again indicating the party going on without us. “Is it really so different if that person happens to be a man instead of a woman?” 44

ON THE LIST

“I don’t…” Kevin exhaled sharply. “I don’t know. I…” He made a frustrated gesture. “Part of me wants to say it does make a difference, part of me doesn’t, and…” “Kevin, I’m happy,” I barely whispered as if that could hide the way my voice shook. “My career, my life, it’s all where I want it to be. Elliott was the only thing missing, and I don’t understand why the family can’t accept this facet of my life.” “It’s a tough thing to accept, Derek,” he said. “Especially for Mom and Dad.” “But it’s not like it’s—” I caught myself before my voice broke. I sniffed sharply and cleared my throat again. “It’s not like this is anything new. You’ve all known for years that I’m gay.” “I know,” he said softly. “I guess we just didn’t…we never thought…” “After all these years,” I said, silently cursing the way my eyes stung and my voice wavered, “do you all still think I’m just going to come home one day and tell you all you’ve been punk’d?” I cleared my throat. God, this wasn’t like me to break down so easily, but my family had never hurt me like this. “That I’ve been straight all along, and now I’m going to settle down with a woman and give Mom a bunch of grandkids?” Kevin chewed his lip. “I’m not sure what we expected. Just…not this.” I stared out at the water, gritting my teeth against my failing composure. “You know I’ve always been desperate for Mom and Dad’s approval, right?” “Yeah,” he said. “I’m the same way.” Without turning to him, I said, “Then you can imagine what it would have done to you if they’d chosen not to show up at your wedding.” 45

ON THE LIST

He laughed bitterly. “I don’t know, I might have taken that as a sign of what was to come.” The railing creaked as he leaned against it. “But, yeah, I can imagine.” “So the fact that I’m still going through with it,” I said, my voice shaking more with every word, “even while the whole family turns up their noses, shouldn’t that give you some hint about how much Elliott means to me?” I turned to him, and he swallowed hard and looked away. “Kev,” I said. “I’m not asking you all to fly a gay pride flag or walk in pro-gay marriage rallies. All I ever wanted was for my family to be there to support their brother and their son when he committed to—” Before I could stop it, a tear slid down my cheek. I swiped at it, cursing under my breath. Kevin stared at me, eyes wide. He hadn’t seen me cry since we were kids, and I hadn’t intended for him to see it now, but…Jesus Christ. He just couldn’t imagine how much this hurt. He pursed his lips. For a long, long moment, he didn’t speak, and the only sounds were the muffled music and voices on the other side of the wall and the distant surf. When he finally spoke, his voice was barely louder than the waves lapping at the sand. “You really are happy with him.” It wasn’t a question. “Yes,” I said. “Like you wouldn’t believe.” He avoided my eyes. Finally, he just whispered, “I’m sorry, Derek.” “So am I.” Silence fell between us, and it hung there for a full minute, maybe two, before Kevin coughed into his fist and took a step back. “Listen, I’m sorry I interrupted your…” He gestured at the 46

ON THE LIST

restaurant again. “I’m sorry I interrupted your party. And that things with the family didn’t turn out better.” “It’s not your fault,” I said for lack of anything better to say. Kevin shifted his weight. “I should go.” We looked at each other for a long, uncomfortable moment. I debated asking if, since he’d already driven three hours to get here from Seattle, he was coming tomorrow. I held back, though. I wasn’t sure I could handle the answer. A couple of times, Kevin drew a breath like he was about to speak, but each time he let it go. Finally, without another word, he turned and walked back toward the restaurant. I faced the setting sun instead of watching my brother walk away. The sky was fiery red above a purple-brimmed horizon, and though it was nothing like a Maui sunset, it made me homesick. It made me ache for that little island out in the Pacific where Elliott and I could get away from my family’s drama and start our life together. The life my family condemned with, among other things, their absence at my wedding. Behind me, a door opened and let some of the music and chatter out onto the deck. Then the door closed, and the only sound besides the ocean was a set of approaching footsteps. I thought it would be Elliott, but when I looked over my shoulder, it was his dad. He pulled a pack of cigarettes from his pocket. “You don’t mind if I smoke out here, do you?” “No, not at all.” I rested my forearms on the railing. “Go ahead.” He cupped his hand around the end of the cigarette, lit it, then pocketed his lighter. “Was that your brother I just saw leaving?” I nodded. 47

ON THE LIST

“Thought you two looked alike.” He took a drag off his cigarette. “Isn’t he staying?” “No, he just—” I cut myself off. This was a party. No sense dragging anyone else down to where I was already. “He couldn’t stay long.” I looked out at the water below the darkening sunset, and hoped I could keep from losing my composure again. “You all right, son?” my soon-to-be father-in-law asked. “Yeah.” I pushed myself away from the railing. “Yeah, I’m fine.” “You sure?” I nodded. “I think I’m just going to go walk for a bit, though. I’ll be back.” I started toward the steps, but hesitated. “Tell Elliott I’ll be back in a while. I just…need some air.” “Sure thing.”

48

ON THE LIST

CHAPTER 5 The ribbon of beach probably stretched as far as the eye could see in the daylight. Now, with the sun long gone, it was just an expanse of barely visible dark gray that barely differentiated itself from the night sky or the ink-black water. It created the illusion of a kind of vast openness, a void where someone could get irretrievably lost if they went too far. But I knew all I had to do was follow the water back, and I’d find the restaurant where I’d left Elliott and the rest of the party. For now, I wanted to get as close to lost as possible. Far from anyone, anything, and anywhere so I could calm my nerves and clear my head. I walked until I couldn’t hear anything but the surf. Whether here on the Washington coast or back in Hawaii, there were few 49

ON THE LIST

things that relaxed me quite as much as the roll and crash of the ocean, and with the sun down, there wasn’t much difference between the two places. It wasn’t as humid here as on Maui, and the sand was wetter and more densely packed beneath my feet, but the waves sounded the same. The wind ruffled my hair and collar the same. But no matter how far I walked, my nerves refused to settle. I turned and went a little inland, moving farther from the tide line to where the sand was drier and looser than down by the water. There I found a dry, weathered old log, one that the salt and sand had probably bleached to a pale silver, and sat. I toed off my shoes and kicked them aside. Then I pressed my feet into the sand, which hadn’t yet cooled from the heat of the afternoon. I closed my eyes, letting myself think of nothing but the gritty warmth around my feet. Around my cold feet. I cringed. I wasn’t backing out of this. I couldn’t. But now, I wasn’t certain just how I could go through the motions and the vows and the celebrating when I had this hanging over my head. Funny. I thought Elliott would be the one to be stressed and frazzled over the wedding while I just went with the flow. Now he was completely calm and relaxed while I was wound up. Of course, it wasn’t nervousness. I was thrilled and excited about tomorrow, but in the back of my mind, there was a clock counting down that only wound my nerves tighter. I was scared to death I’d just be going through the motions, all the while worrying I’d one day regret this. That I was not only vowing my lifelong devotion to Elliott, but building a wall between myself and my family. Thumbing my nose at them while promising to love him, and that wasn’t a stain I wanted on my vows. 50

ON THE LIST

There was just something deeply unsettling about going through with my wedding not only without my family, but with the distinct, deliberate lack of their blessing. That their absence wasn’t because of logistics or anything like that, but of disapproval. They’d effectively boycotted my wedding. My brother had even driven three hours to question what I was doing. And it hurt. God, it hurt. It was one thing when they turned up their noses at my career and my lifestyle, but this…this cut so much deeper. As far as Elliott’s family was concerned, tomorrow I’d be part of their family. Hell, I already was, but now it would be in black and white, on paper, signed, and sealed. The absence of the Windsors at tonight’s party and tomorrow’s ceremony removed any lingering doubt I might have had that they felt the same way about Elliott. If anything, instead of bringing him into the family, tomorrow would signify a greater divide between them and me. Like I was marrying out of my own family. I wanted to tell myself I’d never have second thoughts about marrying Elliott, but here I was, in the eleventh hour, with the reality of my parents’ rejection sinking in fast. It shouldn’t have mattered—these were their issues, not mine—but it did. It mattered, and it hurt. Here it was, the night before the wedding I never thought I’d have, and I’d never felt more alone in my life. The hairs on the back of my neck prickled with the sudden awareness that I wasn’t alone. I looked up. The distant glow of the restaurant and the rest of the town and resorts backlit an approaching silhouette. A chill of instinctive panic went through me, but quickly dissipated when a single word broke the silence: 51

ON THE LIST

“Derek?” I exhaled. “Hey.” Elliott came closer. “Hey.” I chewed my lip. “You left the party?” “Nah. Everyone was heading back to their rooms. I told them you and I both wanted to crash early.” He sat beside me. “I went by the cabin, and since you weren’t there, I figured I’d find you out here.” I laughed half-heartedly. “You know me too well.” “Can’t hide from me, I’m afraid.” His hand warmed the bare skin of my knee. “You all right?” “I’m fine,” I lied. “Really?” His skepticism was undeniable. “I’m assuming things didn’t go so well with your brother.” My shoulders dropped, and I released a breath. “No.” “What happened?” I ran him through the conversation Kevin and I had had out on the deck. With every word, my throat ached and my eyes stung. Somehow, I kept from breaking down, and I was more than a little thankful for the darkness that hid my face from Elliott. I had no doubt he could hear my unsteadiness in my voice, but I didn’t want him to see just how close I was to losing my composure. “Wow,” he said. “That’s…that’s just unbelievable.” “Tell me about it.” I plucked a weed that had been sticking out from beneath the log and absently peeled it apart. “There’s nothing I can do to please them. It doesn’t matter how many honors I graduated with because it wasn’t Annapolis or WestPoint. It doesn’t matter how much I succeed in my career because it’s the wrong career.” I tossed the frayed weed aside and shook my head. “And it doesn’t matter that I’m happier than I’ve ever been in my 52

ON THE LIST

life, and finally getting married like they always wanted me to, because I’m marrying the wrong person.” Elliott put his arm around my shoulders. “Are you marrying me to please them?” “Absolutely not.” I sighed. “That wasn’t what I was implying. I’m sorry.” “No, I didn’t think you were,” he said. “I’m just making the point that this is about us. If they can’t be happy for you, or support you, then…” He shrugged. “They can fuck off.” I laughed quietly. “Yeah. I know. It’s just…” I shook my head. Raking a hand through my hair, I said, “It’s just never failed to bug me how they can always find some reason to disapprove of whatever I do.” My voice wavered as I added, “And this, disapproving of such a big part of who I am. Being gay and being in love with you…” I trailed off. “I’m so sorry,” he whispered. He kissed my cheek. “The way they’re treating you is unbelievable.” “I know.” I sighed. “The thing is, I really do love them. Maybe I’m just eternally optimistic about people, or at least my family, because I keep convincing myself they’re good people. They just…they just don’t get it. They can’t see that what you and I have is the best thing that’s ever happened to me, and…” I trailed off, shaking my head. “I don’t know. It just hurts like hell knowing I’ll be doing this tomorrow without them here.” “I understand,” he said softly. “Anyway.” I released a long breath. “I’m sorry I bailed on you.” “No, it’s okay. I probably would have needed some time alone after that, too.” He leaned toward me and kissed my cheek. “I was just worried about you.” 53

ON THE LIST

“Sorry about that.” “Don’t be.” Neither of us spoke, instead letting the rhythmic crash of the tide fill the silence for a long moment. Then Elliott took a deep breath. “I want you to be completely honest with me about something.” Swallowing hard, I nodded. “Okay.” “Completely honest,” he said. “Regardless of how you think it might make me feel.” My blood turned cold, but I didn’t speak. He slid his hand over the top of mine and looked right at me. Though I couldn’t see his eyes in the darkness, the intensity in his gaze was still palpable. “Tomorrow,” he whispered. “Do you still want to go through with it?” My heart stopped. “Elliott…” “Answer me honestly,” he said softly. “Look, if you don’t, either because you want to try to work it out with your family or you just need some time to accept how they feel about things, I’ll understand.” “Are you…” I paused, moistening my lips. “Are you serious?” “Yes,” he said. “Completely serious.” “Elliott, I don’t want to ditch you like Ben did, and—” “You wouldn’t be. I’m the one making the offer. We can always do it in a few weeks, or a few months. It doesn’t have to be tomorrow.” He brought my hand up to his lips and kissed the backs of my fingers. “I just want you to be happy, Derek, and if what they’re doing is going to make tomorrow stressful for you, then I don’t want to push you.” My heart pounded and my mouth went dry. “You’d…you’d put 54

ON THE LIST

on the brakes this close to the day of the wedding? After everything you’ve done to plan this whole thing?” “Absolutely.” He ran his thumb back and forth along the side of my hand. “Say the word, and we’ll postpone it.” The one man in the world who would be most affected by calling off this wedding, and he was ready and willing to give it up. After he’d already been stood up at the altar once, and had to face his guests and tell them the wedding was off. Regardless of the cost, or the headache, or the emotional impact, he’d delay it all so I could come to terms with the people who would effectively shun their own son for refusing to cancel it altogether. How had I even thought about hesitating to go through with our wedding? “No.” I reached for his face in the darkness. “We’re getting married tomorrow.” “Are you sure?” Drawing him toward me, I whispered, “I’ve never been more sure of anything. We’re not giving this up just because my family can’t get over themselves.” “Derek, are—” “Elliott…” I touched his face. “I don’t want to change anything about what we’re doing. Tomorrow’s going to happen exactly the way you planned it and we wanted it, whether my family’s there or not.” I kissed him lightly. “I do still love them, and I would give anything for them to be there.” I caressed his cheek. “But only if they’d accept you as my husband and part of the family. If they don’t…” I shrugged. “Fuck ’em.” “Are you sure?” “One hundred percent.” I kissed him. Elliott wrapped his arms around me. The lingering heat of the 55

ON THE LIST

afternoon had nothing on the warmth of his body or his breath against my cheek. My cock strained the front of my shorts, and when I let my hand drift over his lap, I wasn’t at all surprised to find he was just as hard. He groaned softly as I trailed my fingertips over his erection, and he held me tighter, kissed me deeper. How in hell had I even entertained the thought of having cold feet? Here and now, there was only one thing I was more certain of than our wedding, and that was the fact that I was so turned on I couldn’t see straight. “We should go back to the cabin,” I said, breathing hard against his lips. “We could,” he murmured. “But it’s been a while since we’ve had sex on the beach.” “Yeah, it has, hasn’t it?” I kissed the underside of his jaw. “We should do something about that.” I paused. “Except we don’t have—” “Don’t worry about it.” “What?” Elliott took my hand and guided it to his hip. He slid my palm over his pocket, and showed me to the rigid, unmistakable shape of a small bottle. My jaw dropped. “You’ve been carrying that with you?” Chuckling, he shrugged. “I told you I went by the cabin to see if you were there. And since you weren’t, I figured you were out here, which meant you were upset.” I swore I could hear the devilish grin in his voice as he said, “And if you were that upset, I know one thing that can usually make you feel better. So…” I laughed. “Oh, Elliott, you know me far too well.” His lips curved against mine, but he didn’t say anything. He 56

ON THE LIST

just kissed me again. “I want you so damned bad,” I said after a moment. “Likewise.” He shifted, then pressed the foil packet into my hand. “Now.” My heart skipped. The distant light from the resort we’d left behind glinted off the packet, and I chewed the inside of my cheek. “What’s wrong?” he asked. “Nothing. But do you…” I swallowed hard, turning the condom between my fingers. “Since we’re…” He touched my face and kissed me lightly. “Thought you’d never ask.” “You don’t even know what I was going to say.” “No condom?” My heart beat faster. “Yeah.” “See?” There was a note of playfulness in his voice as he plucked the condom from my hand. “I did know what you were going to say.” “Are you sure, though?” I asked. “I mean, are you sure you want to do this?” “We’re as good as married.” He slid the condom back into his pocket. “Why the hell not?” I licked my lips, then kissed him. “I rather like this adventurous side of you, just so you know.” He grinned. “It’s your damned fault for being such a bad influence on me the last year or so.” “Mm-hmm. Seems I’ve created a monster.” “A very horny one,” he growled. “God, Derek. Fuck me.” “With pleasure.” We both stripped off our shorts and dropped them on top of the log where we’d been sitting. Elliott moved onto his hands and 57

ON THE LIST

knees, and I knelt behind him. The cooling sand crumbled beneath me, and I had to shift a few times to stabilize myself. Then I stroked some lube onto my cock. “Would you believe,” I said, my breath catching as the warmth of my own hand contrasted sharply with the coolness of the lube, “that I’ve never done this?” Elliott looked over his shoulder. “Then it’s a first for both of us, isn’t it?” “So it is.” Christ, I wasn’t even inside him yet, and I was already out of breath. Steadying us both with a hand on his hip, I guided myself to him with the other. “Oh, fuck…” He whimpered softly and pressed back against me. “Derek, please—ooh, God…” I couldn’t breathe as I pushed into him. Without the latex barrier between us, that first stroke was beyond dizzying. I slid deeper, withdrew, slid a little deeper, and I was surprised I didn’t pass out from the sheer intensity of moving inside him like this. I leaned over him, resting my weight on one hand in the sand. The other had lube on it, so to keep it out of the sand, I held Elliott’s arm instead. I moved from the hips, and though I didn’t have quite the range of motion this way, nor could I thrust as hard as we both liked, it was absolute ecstasy. His body against my chest, his scent in every breath I drew, my cock deep inside him with nothing between us…it was pure fucking ecstasy. I lost track of all time and space. How long we made love like this, I couldn’t begin to guess, and more than once I forgot we were on our knees in the sand beside the crashing surf rather than at home in bed. It didn’t matter. All that mattered as the white-hot intensity of every slow, deep stroke I took inside him, and the deliciously helpless sounds he made as he trembled beneath me. 58

ON THE LIST

Then he shuddered and rocked back against me. “Oh, God,” he breathed. “Don’t stop, Derek. Don’t…don’t fucking stop…” “I won’t.” I kissed the side of his neck and murmured, “Come for me, Elliott.” “Oh, fuck.” His entire body seized, and the groan he released sent shivers right through me. “Fuck, I’m…oh, my God…” Another shudder, a delirious moan, and it was all I could do to keep moving, keep moving, don’t come yet, please, God, don’t come yet. With a soft whimper and one last shudder, Elliott relaxed. I gritted my teeth and kept moving, stroke after smooth, slow stroke, every inch of my skin covered in goose bumps and tingling with electric heat. I could have lost myself in this, in the sensual motions of moving inside him, all night, but my orgasm would only be denied for so long before I had to give in. Not yet. Please, not yet. Just a little more. A little…oh, fuck… “Oh, Jesus,” I moaned. “I want to come so damned bad, but…” My breath caught. “But I don’t want this to be over.” “It won’t be over.” Elliott turned his head and murmured, “We have every night for the rest of our lives.” I closed my eyes and exhaled hard. Every night. For the rest of our lives. Yes, oh, God, yes. I didn’t make a sound. The darkness behind my eyelids turned white, my entire body shuddered with the force of my powerful release, but the air in my lungs refused to move. Head spinning, body tingling and toes curling in the sand, I buried my face against his neck and surrendered to an orgasm so intense it almost hurt. Finally, I exhaled. Elliott and I both trembled, both panted, 59

ON THE LIST

drawing and releasing sharp, uneven breaths. The breeze off the ocean cooled the sweat on my neck and between my shoulders, and I shivered. “That…” Elliott exhaled. “That was incredible.” “It was,” I slurred. I kissed his shoulder. “I love you.” “I love you, too.” Whatever was wrong in the rest of the world, I had everything that mattered to me right here on this beach. If my family couldn’t support this, then their support or lack thereof was meaningless. Elliott was all the family I needed now, and I’d be stupid not to marry him. Tomorrow, the only one who mattered would hear me say “I do.”

60

ON THE LIST

CHAPTER 6 It was entirely too hot for a tux, but I wasn’t about to complain. Once the ceremony was over, we’d all be in the air-conditioned restaurant for the reception, so I could grin and bear it. And knowing Elliott’s family, I’d have to take my jacket off indoors anyway, because those people could dance. Being one of the grooms, I’d undoubtedly be expected to join in. I adjusted my cuffs, made sure for the hundredth time that my white jacket didn’t have any lint or marks on it, then headed down the stairs from the restaurant’s deck. Putting on a pair of dark wraparounds, I made my way across the sand to the small ropedoff area where guests milled around between rows of white folding chairs. Elliott and his sister carried on a conversation beside one row, 61

ON THE LIST

and as I approached, she must have let him know, because he turned around. I grinned. Goddamn it, he was gorgeous. The wind played with his white jacket and tousled his dark hair, and the smile on his lips almost made up for the dark glasses covering his beautiful eyes. “Ready for this?” I asked, stepping over the rope. “Absolutely. You?” “Never been readier.” I put a hand on his waist and kissed him. “You know,” Cass said. “The sunglasses really go with the white jackets. Makes you both look like James Bond or something. You know, if James Bond was gay.” I tugged at my sleeve. “As well-dressed as he is? At least one James Bond has to be gay.” “Hmm, good point,” Elliott said. “Or at least, you know, curious.” “Pity it wasn’t Sean Connery’s Bond.” Cass clasped her hands over her heart and swooned. “Oh, that would be hot.” “Indeed, what a pity,” I said in my best Sean Connery accent. Elliott snorted. “Cute, Derek.” “I think I should shay my vows thish way,” I said. He glared at me. “Go ahead. I dare you.” I laughed and put up my hands. “Okay, okay, I won’t. I swear.” “Damn it.” Cass snapped her finger and shook her head. “Here I was hoping to see the grooms get in a catfight.” “Sorry to disappoint,” I said, chuckling. “Ah, well.” She craned her neck toward the restaurant. “I’m going to go see what’s taking my brats so long. I’ll catch up with you guys.” She left, and Elliott looked at me. 62

ON THE LIST

The humor was gone from his expression and he lowered his voice. “You gonna be okay?” I smiled. “Of course.” “You sure?” His eyebrows rose above his sunglasses. I cupped his face in both hands and kissed him. “I’m absolutely sure.” He met my eyes—well, as best he could when we both had shades on—and finally smiled too. “Good. Nervous?” I shrugged. “Oh, a little. You?” He exhaled. “Are you kidding? I’m—” Elliott stopped in midsentence and looked past me. His brow furrowed, then his eyebrow jumped. “What?” I turned around, and my heart stopped. Coming down the stairs from the restaurant to the beach was my family. My mother’s hand was on my dad’s elbow. Kevin and Jamie walked behind them, and she had her arm around my nephew’s shoulders. My first instinct was to be certain they’d come to intervene, but the August sun made rows of medals and insignias gleam on Dad and Kevin’s dress uniforms. Jamie, my nephew, and my mom were all dressed for something semi-formal, just like the rest of our guests. Elliott’s hand rested on my lower back, and I reached behind me to clasp my fingers between his. My mouth went dry and my heart pounded as my parents and siblings crossed the sand, stepped over the rope, and walked right up to us. Guarded and unnerved, I stared at them. “You guys…came.” My father nodded and took a deep breath. “I, um, I hope there’s still room for us on the guest list.” 63

ON THE LIST

“Why the change of heart?” I asked. “Your brother called us last night.” Dad glanced at Kevin. Swallowing hard, he faced me again. “I…we didn’t realize how much we’d hurt you, son. Maybe we haven’t given you and Elliott a fair shot.” Still guarded, I said, “You’ve changed your mind about everything? Overnight?” Dad released a long breath before drawing another. “I’m not going to pretend I completely understand everything you’re doing, and maybe it’ll take some time, but…” He looked at my mother, who gave a slight nod. Looking me in the eye again, Dad went on. “But…if marrying Elliott is what makes you happy, then…” He swallowed again. “Then you have our blessing.” I almost lost it. Somehow, a well-timed breath and a cough kept my composure from crumbling, and I whispered, “Thank you.” He reached for me, and for the first time in God only knew how long, my father hugged me. “You know, I’ve always pushed you kids because I wanted you all to be happy, and maybe I got caught up in thinking the only way for you to be happy was to do things my way. You’ve…” He stepped back, looking me in the eye and drawing in another deep breath. “You’ve proven me wrong. I’m sorry for that, and…” Another pause, another deep breath. “I’m proud of you, son.” I just smiled, because any more than that and I might have fallen apart. Then Dad turned to my fiancé. “Elliott, I’m sorry we got off on the wrong foot.” My dad extended his hand. “Welcome to the family.” 64

ON THE LIST

Elliott shook my dad’s hand. “Thank you.” My mother put her arms around me. “I’m so sorry, sweetheart,” she whispered, hugging me so tight I could barely breathe. “We didn’t…oh, honey, I’m so sorry. We love you, son.” “I love you, too, Mom,” I said, barely choking back my emotions. She let me go and embraced Elliott as well. Once she’d let him go so he could breathe again, she looked at my father. “Shall we go find a place to sit?” Dad offered her his elbow, and they started up the narrow aisle to find seats. “Sorry about everything that happened,” Kevin said after they’d gone. “No, don’t be.” I hugged him. “Thank you. I don’t know what you said to them, but…” He released me and smiled. “I just told them what you told me.” “Well, obviously it worked. Thanks for coming all the way down here last night.” “You’re welcome.” He muffled a cough. “Thanks for setting me straight.” A hint of pink rushed into his cheeks. “I…so to speak, I mean.” I laughed. “I know what you meant. Don’t worry about it.” We clapped each other’s shoulders. Then he joined my parents in finding a seat at the front of the arrangement of chairs. Jamie sent her son to follow them. To me, she said, “Bill still wasn’t comfortable with this. Maybe he’ll come around. Someday.” I shrugged. “It’s okay. I’m just glad you guys are here.” 65

ON THE LIST

“Me, too.” She hugged me, too. “I’m so sorry, Derek. I know this doesn’t make everything all okay, but—” “I’m just glad you guys are here,” I said again. “We can iron everything else out later.” “I know, but…” She pulled back and looked me in the eye. “I really am sorry. For everything.” “It’s okay.” I hugged her again. As she went to join the rest of the family, I watched, still disbelieving, as my parents and siblings arranged themselves in the front row opposite Elliott’s parents. They even shook hands and exchanged introductions with my in-laws. Elliott put an arm around my waist. “Wonders never cease, do they?” “No, they definitely don’t.” “I mean, first you settling down—” I laughed. “Oh, be quiet.” He chuckled, and we both watched my family in silence for a moment. None of this erased everything they’d said or done. It didn’t make everything perfect between my parents and me, or negate the disapproval or lack of support, and years of frowning on my sexuality didn’t go away overnight. But it was a start. It was a damned good start. Elliott touched my chin and turned my face so we were looking at each other. He kissed me tenderly, then grinned. “Ready to tie the knot?” Returning the grin, I said, “The sooner we do, the sooner we get to the wedding night.” He laughed. “Well, then. What are we waiting for?” 66

ON THE LIST

“On the other hand,” I said, drawing him closer to me, “what’s the rush?” He moistened his lips, sending a shiver down my spine. “Good point.” “After all…” I caressed his face and, just before I kissed him, whispered, “We have the rest of our lives.”

67

L. A. WITT

L. A. Witt is an erotica writer who is said to be living in Okinawa, Japan, with her husband and two incredibly spoiled cats. There is some speculation that she is once again on the run from the Polynesian Mafia in the mountains of Bhutan, but she’s also been sighted recently in the jungles of Brazil, on a beach in Spain, and in a back alley in Detroit with some shifty-eyed toaster salesmen. Though her whereabouts are unknown, it is known that she also writes hetero erotic romance under the pseudonym Lauren Gallagher. To learn more about L. A. Witt, please visit her website at http://www.loriawitt.com. *

*

*

Don’t miss Getting Off The Ground by L. A. Witt, available at AmberAllure.com!

After being stood up at the altar, compulsive over-planner Elliott Chandler decides to turn a honeymoon on Oahu into a vacation for one. Fate puts a hitch in his plans, however, when the airport is snowed in and his flight is delayed.

In the airport, the jilted groom catches the eye of another stranded traveler—the laidback and very sexy Derek Windsor. Derek breaks the ice and strikes up a conversation, and as the temperature drops outside, the heat between them rises. Pity they’re both going to different islands, but if their flight doesn’t leave soon, Mr. Calmand-Cool may just tempt Mr. Play-It-Safe to do something reckless. And that plane isn’t going anywhere any time soon…

AMBER QUILL PRESS, LLC THE GOLD STANDARD IN PUBLISHING QUALITY BOOKS IN BOTH PRINT AND ELECTRONIC FORMATS

ACTION/ADVENTURE SCIENCE FICTION

SUSPENSE/THRILLER DARK FANTASY

MAINSTREAM

ROMANCE

HORROR

EROTICA

FANTASY

GLBT

WESTERN

MYSTERY

PARANORMAL

HISTORICAL

B UY D IRECT AND S AVE www.AmberQuill.com www.AmberHeat.com www.AmberAllure.com