Moving Forward

Moving Forward | Lisa Marie Davis 2

Payne I

STEPPED into the apartment at fifteen until five, loaded

down with groceries and ready for the weekend ahead: me and James, no work issues, no phones. His high school‟s glorious production of A Streetcar Named Desire had closed the weekend before, after a successful run, and director/producer extraordinaire James Rogan deserved a chance to chill out and unwind. Naked. Totally naked… oh yes, we were having a not-a-stitchof-clothing-allowed weekend, and I had purposely purchased all of my baby‟s favorite foods, including chocolate sauce, whipped cream, and cherries, which most certainly wouldn‟t be used to adorn anything as mundane as ice cream. Oh no. Chocolate covered James was what I had in mind, thank you very much. This weekend would be about me and my baby, and frankly, it was time we needed. We had been working so much, me at the New Haven Sports Injury Clinic and James in school. It was hardly the second honeymoon I was ready to take, but James felt we should wait at least a full year after our commitment ceremony and first honeymoon before indulging in a second. Me? I was pretty much willing to give my Jamie whatever he could possibly want. Damn, but I loved the man. Honestly, I couldn‟t recall a time that I hadn‟t loved James Rogan (well, technically he had been James Truman until he had taken my last name after our commitment

Moving Forward | Lisa Marie Davis 3 ceremony), but we hadn‟t gotten together until three years earlier, when Jamie‟s sister got married and both Jamie and I ended back up in our hometown for the wedding. Was that awkward? Painfully. For a dozen reasons, among which were: a) during our high school years, Jamie‟s sister Ave and I had staged a relationship that allowed me to stay in the closet while Ave dated her bad boy (now husband) Matt Cassa; b) Jamie and his father Russ failed to forge a bond because his father couldn‟t deal with Jamie being a less-than-graceful athlete; c) Russ showered all his fatherly attention on me because I was very much an athlete, and I sort of become the chronic and agonizing bane of Jamie‟s existences; d) I was too much of a freakin‟ coward to come out of the closet until Jamie confronted me with the truth after we were both in different colleges, in different states; and e) while home for said wedding, Jamie and I finally figured out/acted on our feelings, and needless to say, good ol‟ Russ wasn‟t pleased. Far from it. He treated Jamie like shit, leading to a confrontation (in the drug store, where my poor baby got caught buying condoms and lube), and since that confrontation, Russ and Jamie hadn‟t spoken. Okay, so our relationship hadn‟t exactly been all wine and roses, but what Jamie and I had was real, intense. After three years, I loved him more than ever, and I knew he felt the same. “It doesn‟t matter if I never speak to my father again, Pay,” he had told me, “because we have each other and my mom and my sister and Matt, and we‟re a family.” Ave, Matt, and Emma, Jamie and Ava‟s mother, had happily attended our commitment ceremony. For two years now, Russ and Emma had lived separately, but Emma hadn‟t filed for divorce, and Jamie suspected she was

Moving Forward | Lisa Marie Davis 4 holding out hope Russ would finally remove his head from his ass. “I think it‟s late in the game to hope for that kind of miracle,” Jamie had said. Jamie was pretty much at peace where Russ was concerned, and as long as Jamie wasn‟t upset, I really didn‟t give a damn if Russ ever realized being a bigot and an asshole was a tragically sad way to spend his life. Fuck him. He could be alone and miserable while Jamie and I continued with our lives together. Humming to myself as I stepped into the kitchen, I set the bags on the table. I intended to make Jamie‟s favorite: shrimp linguine, garlic bread, salad, and for dessert (other than each other, of course), I had strawberry cheesecake. After placing the cheesecake and wine in the refrigerator, I hit the flashing button on the telephone, deciding I would deal with any and all messages before Jamie came home to find his surprise dinner/dessert/weekend of debauchery. No distractions. If there were any fires raging, I would put them out, and maybe I would unplug the damn phone until sometime late Sunday night. Hell, maybe I could make a case for both me and Jamie calling in to work first thing Monday so we could enjoy some extra hours in bed. Oh, yes. I liked that plan. I smiled to myself as the messages finally began, and at first it was fairly typical stuff: friends calling to congratulate Jamie on an excellent production, a local sporting goods store calling to tell me my new track shoes were in, a few pointless telemarketing calls. Then, at last, a call that began with a long pause, followed by Emma‟s nearly strangled voice. “… Payne? Jamie? Oh… God, please… as soon as

Moving Forward | Lisa Marie Davis 5 you… you get… get this message, please call me….” I went still as a pained sob echoed around the otherwise silent room, and an icy wave washed over me. “I just… call me, please….” The message ended on that, and I automatically reached for the phone and hit Emma‟s number, which we had on speed dial. My hands were shaking. I had never heard Emma sound that upset. She was positively shattered, and I realized I was holding my breath as the ringing finally started. After the third ring, the phone was answered by a voice that I didn‟t immediately recognize. “Hello? Is Emma Truman there?” I kept myself calm and heard the phone being passed from whoever had answered. “Hello?” “Emma? It‟s me. It‟s Payne.” “Oh… oh, Payne….” She broke down into frantic sobs, and I felt myself sag against the kitchen counter because something was obviously wrong. The only question was what, and honestly, I was afraid of what the answer might be. “Payne… this… this afternoon, there… I don‟t know how to… to say this, but Ava and Matt… oh my God, a truck ran a red light and crashed into the….” The sobs began again, and in that moment, I knew. Even without actually hearing the dreaded words, I knew, and tears began falling from my eyes as someone took the phone from Emma, and I listened as a stranger confirmed that yes, Ava and her husband were dead. Killed instantly. Dead at the scene. Luckily, their three month old daughter, Aubrey, was fine. Ava and Matt had been on their way to the daycare to pick her up when the accident happened, and

Moving Forward | Lisa Marie Davis 6 Aubrey was currently sleeping upstairs, in a room Emma had created for visits shortly after the baby was born. “You know that Matt‟s mom and dad are older. Neither is in good health—his dad has Alzheimer‟s Disease, his mother has heart problems, and neither one is in any real position to help Emma with arrangements….” The stranger (a neighbor of Emma‟s, I assumed) sounded nearly as devastated as Emma, and I was quick to assure her that Jamie and I would be there just as soon as humanly possible. Before ending the call, I asked her to tell Emma I would call as soon as I had information about our flight, and after hanging up, I went on emotional autopilot. I had to. Yes, my heart was shattered. I adored Ava, I considered Matt one of my best friends, and I wanted to sit down and sob because their deaths were beyond tragic. They were young, in love, and they had a beautiful little girl. It would‟ve been so easy to fall apart, but I knew I needed to remain strong for Emma, and more importantly, James. Aware that my hands were shaking, I put all the food away, and then I called the airline and made reservations for their next flight to North Carolina. We needed to rent a car. I made myself focus on all the little details, and once those necessary arrangements were made, I went into the bedroom, where I began packing for myself and for my husband, because once he heard about Ava, he wouldn‟t be in the mindset to pack. I needed to take care of James. More than needed to, I truly wanted to take care of James. He had spent so many years alone and feeling like he had no one he could depend on, but that had all changed when we began building our

Moving Forward | Lisa Marie Davis 7 life. I wouldn‟t fail Jamie now, when he needed me most. Period. I would break down later. When I was certain Jamie was okay; when we were home; when Emma was taken care of. And then there was Aubrey. Gods! Before Aubrey was born, Ava and Matt had asked if they could name me and Jamie her legal guardians if anything ever happened to them, and naturally, we had said yes, but I had never believed for a second that fate would actually be cruel enough to take Aubrey‟s parents from her, especially when she was so very young. Overwhelmed, I sat down on the bed, burying my face in my hands as a few tears escaped. This was a nightmare. It had to be. How could this be real? How could Matt and Ava be gone? They should have been safely at home, spending time with their little daughter. Instead, their lives were over, and Aubrey would never have any memories of her mother and father. It was wrong. So wrong. And so unfair. I wanted to scream at something or someone, but I knew it wouldn‟t do any good, and when I heard the door into the apartment open and close, I drew in a breath and forcibly pulled myself together as best I could. Jamie‟s world was about to take a major hit, and I had to be the one to tell him his sister and Matt were gone. Brushing the tears from my eyes, I didn‟t bother to look in the mirror because I knew I looked like hell. One look at me and James would know something was wrong, but that couldn‟t be helped now. “I‟m in the bedroom.” I called out when I heard Jamie calling for me. A moment later, smiling brightly as only Jamie could smile, he came into the bedroom, but the moment he saw me, the smile I loved so much faded away. It was like a light

Moving Forward | Lisa Marie Davis 8 going out. Somehow, the world was just too dark without Jamie‟s smile, and I struggled to find my voice as he looked away from me to glance at the suitcases still on the bed. Finally, those remarkable eyes looked at me again, and I could see fear and confusion clearly reflected there. “Pay…?” His voice was a whisper, and I swallowed back a fresh rush of heated tears. “Payne, what‟s going on? Are you… please tell me you‟re not leaving me.” It shocked me momentarily that he could imagine such a thing possible, but then I realized how it had to look—the suitcases on the bed and me standing there, obviously upset—and I moved quickly, taking James in my arms, crushing him hard against my chest. I felt him tremble. And then his arms went around my waist and I buried my face in his hair, wishing I could stand like that forever and never do or say anything that would cause him the pain he was about to experience. “I love you.” The words were muffled, but I knew he heard them. When he trembled again, I tightened my arms around him. “And no, I am not leaving you, James Rogan, and nothing will ever make me leave you, because I wouldn‟t have a life without you.” Despite everything, I knew Jamie still had some fears about being abandoned. His fucked up relationship with Russ often made it difficult for him to believe he deserved love, but I had sworn I would change that, even if it took the rest of our lives. I was committed. To James. To our life. And now he and I would be committed to Aubrey. Just thinking about the little girl ripped viciously at my heart, and I forced myself to pull back from the embrace so I could look down

Moving Forward | Lisa Marie Davis 9 into Jamie‟s upturned eyes, which were still darkened with concern. Taking his hand, I led him to the bed, and he sat down while I knelt in front of him, still holding his hands trapped in mine because I needed the physical contact. “When I got home, there was a message, from Emma, and I….” I blew out a breath. “When I called, she told me there… Jamie, there was an accident today and….” I started to cry again, and as I did, Jamie squeezed my hands, looking suddenly pale and frightened. “Aubrey is fine. She‟s at your mom‟s. But a truck ran through a red light and Ava and Matt….” The words seemed to lodge painfully in my throat, refusing to be voiced, but I shook my head, and the words weren‟t needed. The bitter truth was obvious. Jamie gasped, a sickly sound, and I wrapped my arms around him. I knew the shock would take a moment to fade, and when it did, I felt tears falling hot and heavily against my shoulder. Then he was sobbing while I silently cried with him. I wanted to take away the pain. Gods, I wanted to turn back time, find a way to save Matt and Ava. I hated how powerless I felt as Jamie cried. His heart was breaking, and I could only hold him and whisper to him again and again that I loved him and I would do whatever it took to help him, to be there for him and Emma and for Aubrey. Shaking, he pulled back, making a visible effort to regain some emotional control. “We… we need to….” “I have us packed, booked on the next flight to North Carolina, and there‟s a rental car waiting,” I explained, and he nodded, but he still looked dazed. “I‟m gonna call and let Emma know what time they can expect us and… we‟re

Moving Forward | Lisa Marie Davis 10 together in this, baby, and I promise, I‟m not leaving your side for a second.” “Pay… my sister….” He shook his head, a vain effort to deny the truth that couldn‟t be denied. “I know. I know, baby, and I am so sorry.” “Oh, God. And Matt. And… his parents are sick and… Pay, Aubrey is only three months old, and now… now she‟s lost her mother and her father and I….” “It‟s horrible and unfair, and it hurts so much, but I swear, we will take care of things, and no matter what the future holds, you and I are a team, James, and together we‟re going to take care of our family and each other.” His eyes found mine, and I could see some of the shocked confusion there had slowly faded, but the agonizing grief and pain stared back at me, and it was a sight that ripped at my soul because I loved this man, and seeing him in pain was torture. “I love you, Jamie. Always. And I‟m here. Just lean on me and let me be here for you, because there is nowhere else I would rather be.” He nodded and moved back into my arms, and I held him, burying my face in his hair again and giving him a moment to struggle with his grief before we had to head to the airport and back to North Carolina and the people there that needed us. Emma. Aubrey. Matt‟s parents. People who had known and loved Matt and Ava, extended family, friends. And, of course, Jamie and Ava‟s father, with his bitterness and anger and his hate for the only child he had left, the man I loved and would protect, even if it meant standing between him and his father while Jamie and the rest of our family grieved.

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James THE flight from New York to North Carolina passed in a blur of tears as Payne and I sat side by side, our hands locked together and our minds in mutual chaos. “I just keep thinking this is all a dream, and I keep waiting to wake up and find out Ava and Matt are… that they are okay.” I whispered the confession, staring out the window though all I could see were lights from the wings. It was late, and I should have been exhausted, and physically, my body did feel drained, but mentally, I was too on edge, too suspended in a place where I couldn‟t get a real handle on my emotions. It was all surreal. I had spoken to Ave just three days earlier—we had talked about Aubrey and our parents‟ marital standstill—and every other day, my email account was spammed with welcome pictures of Aubrey: Aubrey sleeping, sucking her bottle, being bathed. Ava was never without a camera, and Matt was almost as hopeless. There would be no more proudly taken pictures, at least no more pictures taken by Matt or Ava, and Aubrey wouldn‟t have any memories of the mother and father who loved her so very much. “You know, Ava and I weren‟t always close.” I turned from the window to look at Payne when the silence became too heavy. “When we were kids and teens, I was so envious of her, because she was perfect, and she… well, she was the kid dad was proud of. She was beautiful. Graceful. She never had that horrible, awkward stage, and as we both know, I

Moving Forward | Lisa Marie Davis 12 had an extended awkward stage, and my dad never….” I shook my head, and Payne squeezed my hand to let me know he was there. That meant more to me than words could have expressed. “It was after I was in college that I got over all those issues,” I went on, “and Ave and I became friends, and… and now she‟s just gone without warning, Pay, and I don‟t know what to do, because I‟ve lost my sister and one of my best friends.” I tried to blink away the tears, but they began falling anyway, and Payne brushed them away, and I smiled at little at that. At him. He was so determined to be strong for me, for my mother, but he was hurting too, and I hated that. I hated being powerless in the face of that hurt, but I was so grateful we had one another. I melted close when he wrapped his arm around my shoulders, warm and protective, providing me a shelter I knew only Payne could provide. Sometimes it still amazed me that this wonderful man was mine—my husband, my partner, my best friend. My childhood love/hate fascination with Payne had matured into something indefinable, and when I thought of how far we had come together, I felt foolish for my earlier assumption he might be leaving me. “Back at the apartment… I came in and I saw the suitcases and….” I turned my head to look up at him apologetically, and he dropped a gentle kiss on my lips, which assured me my momentary lapse in sanity was forgiven. For now. I had no doubt that later Payne would remind me we were married (as much as the freakin‟ law would allow), and that meant he and I were in this for life. Period. No leaving. No walking away. I pressed closer to him,

Moving Forward | Lisa Marie Davis 13 and for the remainder of the flight, we sat in comfortable silence, finding comfort in simply being close to one another. As long as I had Payne, I knew I could survive the agonizing days ahead, and I had no doubt Ava would have been the first to remind me that what Pay and I shared was special. No one had supported Payne and me the way Ava had, and I found myself praying (something I didn‟t do often) that the faith Ava had placed in me and Pay to be Aubrey‟s guardians had been well placed. It was a strange thought, knowing Pay and I were now responsible for Aubrey, but I forced any fears related to that responsibility from my mind because there would be pressing issues once we landed. After we made it to my mother‟s, arrangements would need to be made. There were other family members that needed to be notified, and I needed to be steady and clearly focused to help my mother, because there was no doubt in my mind that my father wouldn‟t be of assistance. He reacted to most any crisis with a cold shoulder—snapped words, in my case—although for most of my childhood and teenage years (and in the time since), he had ignored me. But this? Losing Ava and Matt? This was something he could not ignore. Odds were the bastard would try, though, and that would result in my mom enduring more upset. Which wasn‟t surprising; my father was a pro at upsetting my mother. By the time the plane landed, my stomach was in knots, and I mostly lagged behind while Payne gathered our luggage and found us our waiting rental car. When we were settled, our bags thrown into the back of a midsized sedan, Payne turned to me and drew me into a

Moving Forward | Lisa Marie Davis 14 kiss I hadn‟t realized I needed until I felt his lips, wonderful and warm against mine. My arms went around his neck. “I love you, Jamie.” He whispered against my lips, and I smiled, allowing the warmth of his nearness to seep into me, providing comfort, reassurance, the support I needed. I wished we could stay as we were, secure in one another‟s arms, but that wasn‟t an option. Reality couldn‟t be escaped. My mother was waiting, and with a final kiss, we were on our way, save for a quick stop at an all-night fast food place that offered coffee that tasted more like paint thinner and a chicken sandwich that failed at being remotely chicken flavored. I forced myself to eat half of it anyway, because I knew Payne was worried about me. The food settling uneasily, I managed to drift off to sleep, half stretched across the seat so my head could rest comfortably on Payne‟s shoulder. When I awakened, we were pulling into the driveway of my mom‟s house, and for a moment, I felt disoriented, but why we were there came back in a rush. “What time is it?” I rubbed tiredly at my eyes and worked the knots from my shoulders and back. Payne glanced at his watch with eyes that looked as tired as mine still felt. “Just after seven.” He raked a hand through his tangled black hair, and I sighed. “You should get some rest once we get settled.” I reached for his hand, needing the contact. “You‟ve been so amazing, and I… I love you, and I am so grateful for how strong you‟ve been. But I know both Matt and Ava were special to you, too. I haven‟t forgotten that. And I can be here for you, as much as you are for me, baby.” I lifted his hand to my lips and kissed it. Payne always wanted to protect me,

Moving Forward | Lisa Marie Davis 15 but I was just as determined to offer him the same comfort, the same compassion and understanding. He smiled, leaning in to kiss me, and I pulled him close. God, I didn‟t want to let go. But after a moment, we pulled apart, and as we got out of the car, the door opened, and my mom came to stand on the front porch. Quietly, I went to her. She started crying as I took her in my arms, and she sobbed against my shoulder. Without realizing it, I cried with her. “Jamie…,” she whispered in a broken voice. I looked at Payne, no doubt with desperate eyes, because this was simply agonizing. My sister and her husband were dead, and my mother was falling apart in my arms, and there wasn‟t anything I could do or say to make it right. This was a living nightmare. Ava was gone. Matt was gone. And we somehow had to pick up the pieces, make arrangements, stand strong in our grief, and support others. I felt more than a little overwhelmed, standing there, holding my mother, and when Payne‟s arms wrapped around both of us, I looked at him again. He pressed his lips to my forehead, and some of the tension drained from me. After a few tearful moments, we guided my mother back into the house, into the kitchen, where I was surprised to see Nora Sutherland, the next door neighbor, sorting through food people had already delivered, likely the night before. “Hello, boys.” She kissed me on the cheek as I helped my mother sit down, and Payne slipped back outside to retrieve our bags from the car. “Aubrey‟s upstairs, sound asleep like a little angel,” Nora explained, setting a cup of coffee in front of me. I thanked her before turning my

Moving Forward | Lisa Marie Davis 16 attention to my mother, who brushed at her eyes, which were red rimmed from endless tears and likely exhaustion. “The driver was drunk, Jamie.” Her voice was little more than a gravelly whisper. “At three o‟clock in the afternoon, he was drunk, and he ran a red light, and Matt and Ava….” She shook her head. “They were on their way to pick up Aubrey, and they… oh, God, Jamie, my baby died because of some drunk driver….” Knowing the accident could have been avoided, had some fool not chosen to drive while drinking, was like salt to the already agonizing wound, and I realized there wasn‟t anything I could say to provide the comfort my mother needed, so I just sat and held her hand while she cried. Christ! A drunk driver. I felt undeniable anger, mixed with grief, but the anger was pushed aside because I had no outlet for it now and my mother needed me to keep some emotional control. “I am so sorry this happened, Mom, but Payne and I are here now, and we‟ll help with everything.” “There‟s so much that needs to be done, and Matt‟s parents aren‟t in any position to handle arrangements.” “That‟s okay,” I assured her. “We‟ll take care of it. I‟ll start making some calls today, but right now, I really think you should go upstairs and get some rest.” “Oh, I couldn‟t possibly sleep, and people are dropping by….” “Pay and I‟ll handle it, but it‟s obvious you‟re exhausted, so maybe take one of those sleeping pills the doctor gave you and get a few hours rest.” “Listen to him, Emma.” Mrs. Sutherland laid a comforting hand on my mother‟s shoulder, and I was

Moving Forward | Lisa Marie Davis 17 grateful for her support. “Try and rest. I‟ll be here if people drop in, and I‟ll explain to them you had to sleep for a while.” For a moment, it appeared my mother was about to argue, but finally, she nodded and sighed. “Okay, I‟ll lie down for a while, but I want to be there when any arrangements are made.…” She bit her lip, in a nervous gesture I remembered from childhood, and it was almost comforting, but the way she looked at me told me she was about to say something I didn‟t want to hear. “Look, Jamie, your father… well, he has been told, of course, but I haven‟t seen him, and when I tried his cell phone it went to voicemail. My guess is he spent most of last night down at Griffin‟s Pub.” Drinking. Naturally. Leave it to my father to go get freakin‟ drunk after his daughter and her husband were killed by a drunk driver. Bastard. If I had actually had even an ounce of respect left for the man, it would have died in that moment, but where my father was concerned, my respect had faded away long years before. Now I had to deal with the bastard diving into a bottle when my mother needed him most. In a voice that was tightly controlled, I said, “Don‟t worry, I‟ll track Dad down.” “Maybe it would be best if you allowed Payne to find him.” “Mom—” “I‟m not worried about your father, James, but I know how he is with you. The days of him insulting you are over, and I won‟t have him pushing you away from us again.” “Dad can‟t come between you and me. Okay? Even if he and I have no relationship, he can‟t change the fact that you

Moving Forward | Lisa Marie Davis 18 are my mother and I love you.” I managed a smile. “Now, forget about Dad, because either Pay or I will track him down, and you need to go and get some rest.” I really was worried about her. She was pale, drawn, her hands shook, and I knew the next few days would be agonizing. We had so much to do and prepare for, but I made up my mind then to shoulder the responsibility as much as possible. For Ava. For Matt. For my mother, and in a strange way, for my father, because Russ Truman certainly wasn‟t going to do anything helpful. I decided to put off any kind of confrontation with him until I was feeling more stable and more confident emotionally. I walked my mother upstairs to her room, and after seeing her inside, I went down the hall and quietly opened the door to Aubrey‟s nursery and stepped inside. Tears pricked at my eyes. My mom had used the room that had been Ava‟s childhood room to serve as a nursery for Aubrey whenever she visited, and despite the fresh pink paint on the walls, the delicate white trim, and a variety of princess dolls arranged on white wicker shelves, the room still felt like Ava‟s room to me. Maybe it always would. I could still picture it as it had been: walls painted blue and littered with posters of actors and pop stars, clothing scattered all over the floor, the bed, the closet overflowing with shoes and magazines and books because Ava hadn‟t been fond of cleaning or throwing away anything. Ava, I miss you! And I had no doubt it would get worse in the days and weeks and months to come. Adjusting to life without my sister would certainly take time, but I couldn‟t focus on my grief, and the reason why was curled up in a crib, looking angelic in a white sleeper decorated with little

Moving Forward | Lisa Marie Davis 19 red and pink flowers. Despite the pain and shock of the last few hours, I smiled as I looked at my sleeping niece. She was so beautiful, completely peaceful, though I suspected she wouldn‟t be that way for long—another half hour, maybe, and she would be ready for a diaper change and a bottle and… well, whatever else three-month-olds needed first thing in the morning. “I guess I‟ve got a lot to learn, sugar bear,” I whispered, feeling a little shaken at the realization that Payne and I were now responsible for Aubrey. We were her legal guardians, which meant adjustments to our lives in ways I couldn‟t begin to fathom. It would have been easy to panic, but somehow I refrained from doing so, and I reminded myself that Ava and Matt had chosen me and Payne to care for Aubrey because they knew they could trust us. I won’t let you guys down, sis, I promised silently. I swear. No one could be better parents to Aubrey than you and Matt, but Pay and I will love her and protect her and give her the best life possible, and I will make damn sure she knows all about you and Matt. I will keep the two of you alive for your daughter. It was the least I could do. I would share my memories of Ava and Matt, and I would make sure Aubrey knew that she had been the center of their world. Yes, it would be an adjustment, learning how to take care of a baby, but I didn‟t for a second doubt that Payne and I could and would handle it. Somehow. That was what family did, after all, a fact I held onto as the door behind me opened and closed. Without turning around, I knew it was Payne, and I sighed when his strong arms wrapped firmly around my waist, and I leaned back, into his embrace.

Moving Forward | Lisa Marie Davis 20 We stood for a moment, watching Aubrey sleep, and Payne rested his head on my shoulder. “She is so beautiful.” His breath was wonderfully warm, fanning over my neck, and I smiled—a real, genuine smile—for the first time in hours. “She‟s stunning,” I agreed. “She looks like a little doll. And… she looks just like Ava did as a baby.” “Well, from what I‟ve seen in the photos Ava sent, Aubrey has the Truman eyes.” “Pay….” I turned in his arms. “Aubrey isn‟t going to have any actual memories of Ava and Matt, and that breaks my heart. All of this is just so unfair. Mom said the driver who hit them had been drinking, and despite knowing that, my father has been down at Griffin‟s Pub all night.” It made me physically sick, thinking about him holed up in some dark corner, downing one shot after another, and I didn‟t resist when Payne pulled me closer, holding me tight against his body, as if he could somehow shelter me from the particular brand of pain my father was an expert at causing. I melted into him, closing my eyes and wrapping my arms around his waist, anchoring us together, finding comfort, warmth. Payne‟s nearness was exactly what I needed to rejuvenate me and strengthen me for the painful moments and the difficult decisions that awaited all of us as we figured out how to say goodbye to Matt and Ava and still somehow keep focused on the future Aubrey was counting on us to build for her. None of it would be easy, and more tears would certainly fall, but standing there, wrapped in Pay‟s arms, I knew as long as I had him to lean on, I would make it through to the other side.

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Payne SHORTLY after noon, a somewhat-rested Emma and a stillexhausted-but-damn-determined Jamie insisted on going to the funeral home to begin the process of final arrangements for Matt and Ava, and I offered to go with them. Jamie seemed to be holding it together rather well, all things considered, but I knew how much he was hurting. He wanted to be strong for his mother, but I was concerned for him. I was well aware that being vulnerable with anyone wasn‟t easy for my James, but with me, he could let his guard down and know it was safe. It had taken some time for him to feel completely at ease with me, but now he did, and I wanted very much to offer him comfort and strength in whatever way possible. But Jamie assured me he was fine. And he asked if I could stay with Aubrey so the next door neighbor could at least return to her house long enough to shower and change before returning—at her own insistence—to help with visitors dropping in to offer comfort and/or provisions. It was my first time alone with Aubrey. Actually, it was my first time alone with any baby, and needless to say, I was more than a little nervous. “Keep in mind that Uncle Pay is new to this, so take it easy on me, princess.” Aubrey simply looked up at me with big blue eyes, and I knew the little girl would have me wrapped around her finger before she uttered her first actual words. She was a mixture of Ava and Matt, and she was perfect. Beautiful. Sweet. I

Moving Forward | Lisa Marie Davis 22 held her for a long time after feeding her, and mentally, I was listing everything Jamie and I would need to do to prepare our apartment for the little girl‟s arrival. The guest room would need to be converted into a proper nursery, with a crib and all the other necessities, and we would need to begin baby-proofing everything. Sure, it would be a while before Aubrey was mobile, but I didn‟t want to take any chances. Jamie and I needed to discuss what would work best as far as child care—a private nanny or a daycare center. It was overwhelming. But I knew we would handle everything, one step at a time. No, neither of us had ever thought we would actually be in this position, even when Matt and Ava drafted their official Will and Testament, but the unimaginable had become reality, and together we would do whatever was best for the little girl left in our care. In the meantime, I decided there was something I wanted to do for Jamie, and when Mrs. Sutherland returned, I left Aubrey in her care. After changing into fresh jeans and T-shirt, I grabbed my wallet and the keys to the rental car. “If Jamie and Emma get back before me, just tell him I won‟t be gone long,” I told the accommodating neighbor. Mrs. Sutherland promised to give Jamie the message, and less than twenty minutes later, I parked in front of Griffin‟s Pub. I wasn‟t looking forward to seeing Russ. Once, I had respected the man. He had treated me with respect (more so than he ever had Jamie), but once I came out, Russ suddenly had no use for me, and while that was insulting, what made me hate the man was his total disregard for his son, the man I loved more than life. Anyone who hurt my husband could happily kiss my ass. Russ included. Hell, as far as I was concerned, Russ especially could kiss my ass. If

Moving Forward | Lisa Marie Davis 23 I never had to see the man again, that was fine, but I wasn‟t going to stand back and leave it to Jamie to try and reason with Russ when he was already shouldering more than enough reasonability. His mother was really leaning on him, and frankly, Emma ranked far higher than Russ in my book. I wasn‟t surprised by the surge of annoyed disgust I felt when I finally spotted Russ‟s truck in the pub‟s parking lot, proof the man was indeed inside drinking when he should have been with his wife (estranged or not), supporting her through the ordeal of arranging their daughter‟s and son-inlaw‟s funerals. Gathering my emotions as best I could, I got out of the car and walked into the pub. It was small, dark, the smell of cigarette smoke hung heavily in the air. After a moment, my eyes adjusted, and I spotted Russ in a corner booth. He had a shot glass and a bottle, and I clenched my jaw as I crossed the room to stand beside his table. He looked up at me with bloodshot eyes that instantly grew chilled. “What the fuck are you doing here?” he asked with a sneer. I wanted to punch him in the face, but logically, I knew it wouldn‟t do him any good, and I didn‟t want to add to Jamie‟s burden by getting myself arrested for assaulting his bastard father. “What am I doing here?” I snapped, glaring at him. “You know, I could ask you the same fucking question, Russ, because this sure as hell isn‟t where you need to be.” Not wanting to cause a scene, I sat down across from him, and he returned his attention to his shot glass, staring down at it rather than facing me. “Emma and Jamie are trying to organize funerals for Ava and Matt, and they could use your

Moving Forward | Lisa Marie Davis 24 support, but instead you‟re here, bellied up to a bottle like the fuckin‟ lush you‟ve become.” Honestly, I didn‟t see any reason to pull my punches. Russ wasn‟t someone who would respond to gentle reasoning—no, he was a blunt man, and he needed someone willing to be brutally blunt with him. I figured I was up to that task. More than Jamie. My love was a gentle soul. He had already had one nasty confrontation with his father three years earlier, and they hadn‟t spoken since, so it was my turn to deal with Russ Truman‟s bigoted ignorance. For a long moment, neither of us spoke, and I knew Russ was being purposely difficult. “I get that you hate me,” I went on, “and believe me when I say James knows exactly how you feel about him, Russ, but I do know you loved Ava. I think you respected Matt. And I guess at some point, you and Emma were a typical couple in love. Something tells me you still love Emma.” “Is there a point to this?” He reached for the bottle, or tried to, but I plucked it from his reach and set it aside, which drew his red-rimmed eyes back to mine. “The point is, Emma needs you to be there for her.” “She has Jamie.” “Thank God for that, but you‟re her husband—” “We‟re separated.” It was a weak argument, and I rolled my eyes. “Fine, you‟re separated, but you aren‟t divorced, and even if you were divorced, Ava was still your daughter, and you owe it to her to be there for her mother.” “What makes you a fuckin‟ expert?” Russ snapped, snatching back the bottle and pouring himself a shot, which he quickly downed. “Both you and James think you fuckin‟

Moving Forward | Lisa Marie Davis 25 know all there is to know about all there is to know, but….” He laughed, but it was a bitter, hollow, and angry sound. “I don‟t need some faggot telling me what I should do and what I shouldn‟t do, and I don‟t need you preaching to me about what my obligations are to Emma and Ava. I fuckin‟ know. I know my daughter is dead, and there ain‟t anything anyone can do about it, so why the hell should I plan some damn funeral, huh? Why? What good will it do to sit around and cry? Ava and Matt will still be dead. So don‟t tell me what I should and shouldn‟t do, ‟cause all I want to do is sit here and drink, and if you‟re so worried about Emma, you and my fuckin‟ fag of a son can handle everything.” I shook my head. “Christ, you are so selfish!” I leaned across the table. “Fine. Jamie and I will help Emma. You stay here. Drink and look for answers in the bottom of a bottle, but I‟ll tell you this: as soon as you sober up again, the facts will still remain—your marriage will still be in shambles, Ava and Matt will still be gone because a drunk like you decided to drive when he shouldn‟t have, and you will still have a son who is a better man than you could ever hope to be, you miserable bastard.” Standing, I looked down at him, but he didn‟t lift his eyes. “I came here because Emma wanted to know if you were okay, and she had some foolish hope you would finally step up and act like a husband and a father. But I can see you will never be anything more than a tragic embarrassment to your family. It‟s sad. And you‟re disgusting, and I can‟t believe I was ever stupid enough to see you as worthy of my respect.” I didn‟t give him a chance to respond. There was nothing the bastard could say that I wanted to hear. He was

Moving Forward | Lisa Marie Davis 26 drunk, angry, bitter, and so self-involved he couldn‟t see past himself to care for anyone else, and I hated him because I knew his refusal to be a husband and father would cause Emma and Jamie pain. Again. It made me furious, but there really wasn‟t anything I could do, and I decided Russ wasn‟t worth my time or Jamie‟s. When I made it back to Emma‟s, I noted her car was in the drive, which meant she and Jaime were back from the funeral home. Other cars lined the drive as well, and as I didn‟t feel up to making conversation with anyone other than Jamie or Emma, I went in the side door to the kitchen. Mrs. Sutherland was there, and she told me Emma was in the living room with a few ladies from the church she attended. Jamie was upstairs, and I opted to check in on him. “Jamie‟s exhausted, and I‟m more than a little worried, so if anyone asks for him, can you maybe tell them he‟s resting?” I looked at the kindly neighbor imploringly, and she smiled and assured me she would run interference for a while. I decided the woman was indeed a saint. It was a relief to know someone so dependable and kind had been there— and was still there—when Emma needed her. I made a mental note to thank her properly later as I bounded upstairs to Jamie‟s old bedroom where I had dropped our bags after we arrived. Jamie was there, sitting on the bed, and he looked up when I stepped inside. I could see he had been crying. Wordlessly, I kicked off my shoes and sat on the bed with my back against the headboard. Jamie shifted easily so he was sitting between my legs, and I wrapped my arms around him.

Moving Forward | Lisa Marie Davis 27 “I never knew so many decisions had to be made when planning a funeral and….” Jamie shook his head. “What type of casket. What kind of flowers. Who will be speaking, and do we want the funeral home to find a clergyman or do we know someone. I finally just told the guy what I thought Ava would like, flower wise.” “Red and white carnations,” I offered. Those had been her favorite. “Yeah. I said the same for Matt. I didn‟t think it would matter to him, and likely, he would want whatever Ava liked.” “I agree.” “And we got… the coffins are matching, as if that matters, but the funeral director said it would look nice at the service.” Tiredly, he sagged back against me. “My mom knows a priest who will speak, and I said I would say something, and I… when the director asked if we wanted to have a viewing, or open casket at the funeral, I said no, because Ava wouldn‟t have wanted that. I‟m sure of it. I remember Ava, after our Grandma Patty died… after the funeral, Ava said there was nothing more morbid than people standing around looking at a body and talking about how „nice‟ the person looks.” He laughed a little, at the memory of a time with his sister, but I could tell he was crying as well. “She said she wouldn‟t want people just standing there and looking at her, and today… today, sitting in that office, I recalled that conversation, and I could almost hear Ava saying „don‟t you dare let them put me on display‟, so I told the director no viewing and keep the caskets closed.”

Moving Forward | Lisa Marie Davis 28 He was sobbing by the time he finished, and I turned him in my arms, cradling him against my chest while he cried, and I allowed myself to shed a few tears along with him. It was all still so raw, so painful, and I wanted to tell him it would get better, but I suspected hearing that wouldn‟t make the pain seem less agonizing in that moment. All I could do was hold him. He needed this chance to release some emotions, to fall apart a little, because Emma needed him to be there for her, and he wouldn‟t be able to support her if he didn‟t properly balance her needs with his own need to grieve for Ava and Matt. Finally, the tears began to subside, and he lifted his head to look at me, his beautiful face wet with tears and something familiar in his blue eyes. “Payne, I need you.” He whispered the admission, his hand fisted into my shirt, and I swallowed hard because the vulnerable and raw emotions churning inside of him called out to me. “Maybe that makes me horrible, wanting you now, but I… God, I need to feel more than grief and pain, and I….” I captured those beautiful lips in a heated kiss, filled with passion and desperation, and Jamie responded, opening his mouth and shifting in my lap so he could better wrap his arms around my neck. He was trembling with need. And I knew just what it would take to satisfy that need. This wasn‟t the time for leisurely lovemaking. Jamie craved something hard and passionate, the kind of coupling that was driven by pure need, and I was more than willing to give him just that. Whatever he wanted. Anything. I was just as zealous, wanting him—needing him—and I maneuvered us from the bed long enough to quickly strip Jamie and then myself, leaving clothing tossed carelessly to the floor.

Moving Forward | Lisa Marie Davis 29 Tangled together, we fell back onto the bed, and I kissed Jamie again in a clash of lips and tongue and teeth. It was a frantic kiss, and Jamie responded with enthusiasm. “Love you, baby,” I whispered, kissing my way down his body, over his chest and stomach, paying close attention to the particularly sensitive patches along the way. I could feel him tremble beneath my touch, and I loved it. I loved turning him on, tasting him, and bringing him the pleasure he needed as my lips wrapped around his straining cock and Jamie tangled a hand eagerly in my hair while gasping my name. I knew it would not take long. He was too tense, too close to the edge, and I lifted my eyes so they were locked on his as my tongue snaked around him. I cupped his balls in one hand, rolling, gently tugging, doing all the things I knew he liked, and with a strangled cry, he came hard in my mouth, and I swallowed every drop with greedy delight. The sound of Jamie whispering my name had me kissing my way up his body to claim his full lips with the intense hunger that always burned between us. For the next hour, I showed him how much I loved him, again and again, giving him exactly what he needed.

Moving Forward | Lisa Marie Davis 30

James THE following day was a blur of people coming and going: friends of Matt‟s and Ava‟s, coworkers, neighbors. There was a wonderful outpouring of comfort, and for my mother‟s sake, I was grateful for it, but the endless parade of people left me unsettled. I wasn‟t much for talking about my feelings with strangers, or with people who weren‟t strangers. The only person I had ever truly opened up to with any success was Payne. It was okay to be vulnerable with him. If I cried, I did it on his shoulder, somewhere hidden away from prying eyes, and I did my best to appear emotionally sound when facing visitors and with my emotionally fragile mother. I paid a visit to Matt‟s parents. His father was indeed in bad condition, and his mother wasn‟t much better, but she thanked me for handling the funeral arrangements and asked me to please keep her updated on Aubrey. “I know your life is in New York,” she assured me, “and I think that Matt and Ava made a wise decision when they selected you and your husband to be Aubrey‟s guardians.” It meant a lot to me to hear her say that, but as I expected, others weren‟t of the same opinion, and I found myself confronted by a cousin of my father‟s later in the afternoon. The woman was positively outraged by the prospect of Payne and me raising Aubrey. It wasn‟t right. It wasn‟t natural. It was the same basically brainless argument every homophobic bigot spouted, and I ignored her for the

Moving Forward | Lisa Marie Davis 31 most part, but I sensed that she was pushing Payne‟s buttons, so I took his hand and we went upstairs to look in on Aubrey, who was sleeping peacefully. I still couldn‟t believe we were now responsible for her. It was a huge responsibility. I knew we could handle it. I knew Payne loved Aubrey was much as I did, but it would require a great deal of adjustment, and while yes, we loved the little girl, the fact that she wouldn‟t have any real memories of Ava and Matt chewed at me. It wasn‟t fair. Ava had been so excited to become a mother, but in the end, she had only spent three short months with her baby daughter. The unfairness of it left a bitter taste in my mouth as Payne wrapped strong arms around me, and I leaned back in his always comforting embrace. “I remember when this was Ava‟s room,” he whispered in my ear, and I nodded, feeling nostalgic. “Want to know a secret?” I asked. “Of course.” “I used to go crazy when you and Ava would come up here and close the door because I thought… well, you can only imagine what I thought you two were doing.” “Were you jealous?” “At the time, I wouldn‟t have admitted I was jealous, not even under the threat of torture, but yeah, I was insanely jealous, and I couldn‟t decide who I hated more.” I laughed at the memory. “It seemed so wrong that not only was Ava beautiful and graceful and Dad‟s favorite child, she had the hottest boyfriend ever.” “Hottest boyfriend ever, huh?” “Please.” Though he couldn‟t see it, I rolled my eyes. “As if you didn‟t know you were freakin‟ gorgeous, Every time I

Moving Forward | Lisa Marie Davis 32 saw you, I had to hide behind a book or a piece of furniture to keep from totally humiliating myself.” “Well, my love, let me assure you, whenever Ava and I were up here with the door closed, she was on the phone with Matt, or gushing about Matt, while I sat here and wished I was down the hallway, alone with you in your bedroom.” “Really?” “Jamie, I was crazy about you back then but too damn insecure with myself to do anything to let you know I came over here to be near you, not Ava.” I turned in his arms and looked up at him. “We were both more than a little insecure back them, but I… I‟m glad we finally figured it out, because I love you so damn much, Payne.” “I love you too, Jamie.” “If I ever lost you….” I shook my head, and Payne pulled me closer to him. “Don‟t do that. Okay? Don‟t worry about losing me. Don‟t think about all the bad things that could happen, because worrying like that will just drive you crazy, babe.” I knew he was right, and I nodded as I laid my head against his chest for a few minutes, simply enjoying being close, wrapped in Payne‟s arms. I was safe. Payne‟s strength and his warmth soothed me, and I was about to tell him again that I loved him when there was a light knock on the door, and a second later, Mrs. Sutherland poked her head inside with an apologetic look. I started to smile and assure her she hadn‟t interrupted anything, when she shocked me by calmly announcing that my father was downstairs in the kitchen. With my mother. And he wanted to see me. What? I

Moving Forward | Lisa Marie Davis 33 looked back to Payne and noticed a slightly surprised look, along with a guilty shift of his eyes, and after Mrs. Sutherland slipped away, he admitted he had paid my father a visit the day before. He hadn‟t mentioned it earlier because he hadn‟t wanted to upset me more, and I smiled. “You went to see him so I didn‟t have to, and I love you for wanting to protect me.” “Well, I know what an ass he can be, and I have to admit, it wasn‟t exactly a pleasant conversation.” “He was drunk?” “He wasn‟t quite drunk, but he was drinking, and I pretty much told him he was a miserable old bastard and you were a better man than he will ever be.” “I‟m almost sorry I missed that.” I brushed a kiss over his lips and he smiled. “Thank you for doing that for me, but now he wants to see me, and while I can‟t say I look forward to a conversation with him, I‟m not going to hide away.” Never again. Ever. If my father had a problem with me, that was something he would have to live with. That I had decided long ago, and while I was a little apprehensive as Payne and I went downstairs, hand in hand, I wasn‟t terrified the way I had been during my teenage years when facing an encounter with my always unhappy and disapproving father. I was an adult now. A successful and happy adult with a career I loved, a husband I adored. Nothing my father did or said had the power to change that. I kept all of that firmly in mind as Payne and I reached the kitchen, to find my mother standing by the sink, looking tense, and my father sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him.

Moving Forward | Lisa Marie Davis 34 He looked relatively sober and clean. His eyes were red, and he was somewhat pale, but at least he didn‟t look as if he were coming off a two-day bender. For a moment, the four of us—me, Payne, my mother, and my father—lingered in a silence that wasn‟t exactly comfortable. I noted that Mrs. Sutherland wasn‟t in the room. She had obviously decided we needed time alone, and honestly, I envied the freedom she‟d had to escape the undeniable tension. I need you now, Ava, I thought. God, but you were the only one who knew how to break the tension when we were all stuck together like this. I could almost hear Ava answer back, telling me to suck it up, damn it, and I squeezed Payne‟s hand to assure him that I was okay and ready to face whatever it was Russ Truman had come here to say. The sound of my father clearing his throat shattered the silence, and I looked at him directly. “I would like a moment alone with Jamie, if that‟s possible.” “No chance in hell.” Payne growled. “It‟s okay.” I glanced at my husband, and I could see the worry in his beautiful eyes. “Jamie….” “For God‟s sake, I want to speak to my son!” my father snapped in clear annoyance, and the sound of him raising his voice made me jump a little, which Payne noticed. “Your son? Your son? Now he‟s your son?” I had expected Payne to erupt, but instead, my usually calm mother was suddenly shouting and glaring at my father. “You son-of-a-bitch! You selfish, drunken, son-of-a-bitch! How dare you? How dare you came in here and act like you have a right to speak to my son? My son! You long ago lost

Moving Forward | Lisa Marie Davis 35 the right to call Jamie your son, and… you never treated him like he was a son, and I admit, I allowed you to get away with a lot of shit, Russ, but I won‟t allow you to ever hurt my son again.” She was trembling in anger, and I went to her side quickly, placing a comforting hand on her shoulder while casting a glance at Payne, who looked just as shocked as I felt by my mother‟s fury-filled outburst. It was so unlike her. I had never heard her curse before, and at any other time, it might have amused me, but at the moment, we were all emotionally raw and on edge. I knew I needed to get her someplace where she could calm down, and I needed to deal with whatever my father felt he needed to say to me after years of silence. “Payne, please take my mom upstairs.” I looked at him, aware he didn‟t want to leave me alone with my father, but my eyes begged him, and he finally sighed. “Come on, Emma, let‟s go upstairs and look in on Aubrey.” He took my mother‟s hand, and she glanced at me, clearly as uncertain as Payne was about leaving me to face dear ol‟ dad on my own. “It‟s okay, Mom. Really. Go with Payne. I bet Aubrey‟s waking up from her nap, and she‟ll want some cuddles.” Still hesitant, she allowed Payne to guide her from the room, but before disappearing up the stairs with my mother, Payne glared at Russ, and then he looked at me and mouthed “love you,” and that was enough to reassure me. When they were gone, I turned to my father, who was still seated at the table. “He loves you.” It was a statement, rather than a question, but I was surprised to hear my father—bigot

Moving Forward | Lisa Marie Davis 36 extraordinaire—make such an observation. “And it‟s damn obvious you love him.” A hint of a smile danced over his face. “You look at him the way your mother used to look at me and… well, it‟s been a long time since I gave her cause to look at me like I was the center of her world.” It was another shocking and unexpected admission, and I didn‟t know how to respond to it, so I stayed silent, sitting down at the opposite end of the kitchen table. The sturdy piece of furniture seemed to nicely represent the chasm that had always existed between us. Always. If he and I had ever been close, I couldn‟t remember it. We may have shared the same blood, but we were strangers in every way that mattered, and sitting there, in another stretch of silence, I couldn‟t imagine that would ever or could ever change. “So, you know Payne came and found me yesterday.” His attention was focused on his coffee. I sighed. “Yeah. He told me. You were at Griffin‟s Pub.” “I spend a lot of time there.” “I‟ve heard.” “From your mother?” “And… and Ava.” I cleared my throat. “She was worried about you, and she would talk to me sometimes.” “Ava tried lots of times to get me to admit I have a problem, but you know me.” “No. No, I don‟t know you.” Despite my efforts, there was a hint of bitterness in my words. “James—” “I never knew you as anything more than a man who looked at me and saw the biggest mistake he had ever made.” Hating the tears that burned my eyes, I looked away

Moving Forward | Lisa Marie Davis 37 from him. “I sucked at every sport, and I wasn‟t… I wasn‟t the son you dreamed about having. You resented me for that, and I spent years feeling like a failure. A fuck-up. I spent a lot of years telling myself I hated Payne because he was what you wanted in a son, but then you found out he was gay too, and I finally realized that even if I had been some All-American Athlete, you would have still been disappointed and hateful the moment you found out that I was homosexual.” Annoyed with myself, I brushed at my eyes and turned back to my father, to find he was looking at me. For the first time in years, he was looking directly at me, and for the very first time ever, he looked at me like he saw me. “You‟re right.” His voice was strong and clear, and I realized in that moment that some of the lifelong walls my father had lived behind were crumbling. “After… after Payne left me, at Griffin‟s, I realized a lot of what he said was stuff people had said before, and… well, I went home and changed, and then I went down to one of those AA Meetings down at Lincoln Community Center.” I had a feeling making that admission—that he had attended an AA Meeting and thereby accepted that he needed actual help—hadn‟t been easy for him, and that made it all the more impressive. And shocking. But it was a step, a major step, in what I hoped would prove the right direction, and I really wanted to tell him that, but I found words had suddenly decided to fail me, and all I could do was wait to hear what he intended to say next. “They said a lot that made sense and… and yeah, I do have a problem when it comes to drinking.”

Moving Forward | Lisa Marie Davis 38 “Does that mean you‟re serious about the AA Meetings and getting some help for your problem?” “Yeah. Yeah, I‟m serious. Doubt it will be easy.” “No, I suspect it won‟t, but you owe it to yourself and Mom to get yourself together, and you owe it to Ava‟s memory, and I‟m thinking Aubrey deserves a sober grandfather.” “You and Payne, Ava and Matt made you Aubrey‟s guardians.” “They did.” And here it comes, the outrage, the disgust, the grand speech about homosexuals being abominations. “Look, Dad, it was Ava and Matt‟s decision, and Payne and I might not be your choice, but I intend to honor what my sister and her husband wanted. Period. If I have to fight you to do that, I will.” “Jamie, I… I suppose I shouldn‟t be surprised that you would expect the worst possible reaction from me after the way I‟ve behaved toward you over the years, but the truth is, I believe Ava and Matt made a good decision.” “Dad…?” “When I was growing up, my parents attended a pretty strict church, and we lived in a small town and….” He shook his head. “Back then, I was exposed to this list of things considered wrong: divorce, sex before marriage, and… well, homosexuality was pretty high on the list of things considered immoral. It‟s what I was taught—what my parents and their parents believed, and life was painted to be pretty simple, as far as what should be expected. “Guy finds a girl. Falls in love. Gets married.” His eyes were downcast again, staring at his coffee cup, and I didn‟t interrupt because it seemed he needed to talk, and I was

Moving Forward | Lisa Marie Davis 39 actually curious to hear what he had to say. “I did that. I found your mother. Fell for her and we got married and… shit, I had all these preconceived notions about what my kids would be like, and you….” He trailed off, but I knew what he was saying, that I had come along and shattered all those wonderfully preconceived notions, because I hadn‟t been what he wanted in a son. Not even close. “I guess I didn‟t know how to relate to you, because you were… you were just so damn different from me, and we had nothing in common, James. Nothing. You sucked at sports. I didn‟t get all that artsy crap… stuff, I mean artsy stuff you were into, like theater, and it kinda freaked me out, ya know, ‟cause you were my kid, and I felt like we were as different as night and day.” We had been; hell, we still were, but I didn‟t point that fact out because really, it did seem as if he was actually trying to talk to me in an honest fashion—without being deliberately insulting and hostile—and I figured I owed it to him to respect what he was attempting, even if he wasn‟t so good at it. Right? But gods, this wasn‟t comfortable, and I feared that—despite his best efforts—our little father/son powwow would end in a screaming match. “Anyway, I didn‟t know how to talk to you—” “You never tried.” So much for not interrupting, but hey, the facts were the facts, and there wasn‟t a chance in hell I would let him sit there and sugarcoat said facts. “Okay. I never tried. I never made an effort.” “Dad—” “You weren‟t the son I wanted. Okay? There. I said it. I‟m the big, bad bastard everyone says I am, but if we‟re being truthful, there‟s the truth.”

Moving Forward | Lisa Marie Davis 40 “You‟re not telling me anything I don‟t already know.” “Jamie—” “I was a disappointment. Right? Couldn‟t play ball. I was shy, nerdy, into theater and art, and then, to add insult to the great injury, I announced I was gay.” “Honestly? Yes. After everything else, finding out you were gay was too much for me.” “And it was a walk in the park for me,” I muttered. “I imagine not.” He had the good grace to sound sincere. “Look, Dad, I‟m trying hard to be… well, I guess I‟m trying to be open-minded and listen to what you‟re trying to say, but I‟ve got to say, I don‟t really understand.” “I know. I‟m not doing this well. I‟m not good at admitting I‟ve made mistakes, but the fact is I‟ve made nothing but mistakes with you, and I‟m sorry.” “Dad—” “I never gave you a chance, never gave us a chance, to have a real relationship, and I‟ve said some horrible things to you—” “And Payne.” “And Payne,” he agreed. “And I‟ll apologize to him, but I… damn it, James, I‟ve lost one child because some other drunk drove when he shouldn‟t have, and I know I lost you a long time ago because I was a jackass, but I… maybe, if you want, maybe we can try and at least become friends.” I had never heard my father sound so lost, so unsure of himself, and it was unsettling, but I realized he was sincerely opening up to me—and possible rejection—and despite the troubled past we shared and the anger I certainly still harbored on some level, I couldn‟t do what I had always

Moving Forward | Lisa Marie Davis 41 imagined I would do in this situation. I couldn‟t tell him to go to hell. I couldn‟t tell him to fuck off, because he was my father. Yes, he hadn‟t been much of a father during my childhood, but he was here now, and he had humbled himself enough to offer a genuine apology, and he had swallowed his pride, maybe for the first time in his life. Choking back a sudden rush of emotion, I looked at him, and he met my eyes. “Do you mean that? Do you really want to get to know the man that I am, despite the fact I wasn‟t the son you always wanted me to be when I was a kid?” “Your mom and Ava, they told me a lot about your life, what you‟ve accomplished, and the way Payne defends you….” To my surprise, he actually smiled. “From what I‟ve heard and from what I can see in front of me, you are a damn remarkable man, James, and while I know I didn‟t play a decent role in helping you become that remarkable man, I do want to know you.” “Dad—” “If it‟s too late—” “No. No, it‟s not too late. Not at all.” I managed to return his smile, and he nodded, clearly uncomfortable, but we had taken some important first steps, and that was what really counted. “Why don‟t we go take a look at Aubrey? She should be awake by now, and maybe she‟d like to have some time with her grandfather.” “You‟d let me spend time with her?” “Of course.” “Jamie….”

Moving Forward | Lisa Marie Davis 42 “Aubrey lost her mom and dad,” I reminded him gently. “She needs all the family she can get, and what family for a little girl is complete without a doting grandfather?”

Moving Forward | Lisa Marie Davis 43

Payne THE change in Russ, the changes he declared he was determined to make, shocked me, and when we spoke privately, I assured him I wished him luck, but I made it clear that if he did anything at all to hurt James again, he would answer to me. Period. Jamie had suffered more than enough because of Russ‟s arrogance and ignorance, and it wouldn‟t happen again. What‟s more, we now had Aubrey to consider, and I wouldn‟t expose her to bigoted poison. “We‟re going to raise Aubrey just as Matt and Ava would have, and you know damn well they would want their daughter to be loving and compassionate.” Just as Ava had been, I added, and surprisingly, Russ agreed. While that was a relief, I was still determined to keep a close watch over his interactions with my family. And that included Emma. I no longer had contact with my own mother, and after all Emma had already endured, I felt compelled to protect her until she felt she was truly ready to deal with Russ, who told her— while Jamie and I were in the room—that they had a lot to talk about. Surprisingly, Jamie seemed to think there might be hope for his parents‟ marriage. “My mom has put off asking for a divorce for so long,” he explained, “and if my dad is serious about getting his life together, I honestly think she‟ll take him back.” “Does he deserve that?” I asked, because I had my doubts, but my husband just smiled.

Moving Forward | Lisa Marie Davis 44 “Doesn‟t everyone deserve a second chance, especially if they are willing to work for it?” “You are pretty damn amazing.” I wrapped my arms around him and kissed him. “But I swear to you, if your father reverts back to his old behavior, he‟s gonna get his ass kicked—” Jamie cut off my threat with another kiss, and we went back downstairs. Once again, people dropped in, but Jamie seemed more comfortable with the influx of strangers and semi-strangers. Still, I stayed close. I suspect some thought it rather odd that I wouldn‟t leave his side, but the way Jamie held my hand told me he was glad I was there, and for me, that was all that mattered. Knowing that the funeral would be the following day, we went to bed fairly early—after I convinced Jamie that yes, he actually did need to eat something. After we ate, we checked in on Aubrey, who was sleeping soundly. “I was thinking.” I whispered as we stood over the little girl‟s crib while Jamie adjusted her blankets, making certain she was warm enough. “Maybe it would be good for your mother to come back to New York with us for a while. She could use a change. And yeah, your father is making an effort to get himself together, but he has to do that on his own. If Emma stays here, she‟ll end up trying to „fix‟ him, and I think past experience has taught us all that isn‟t really possible.” “Actually, I like that idea.” He turned and looked at me. “I hate the idea of leaving her here, still grieving, with the memories that are in this house.” “And I think she‟s the best person to help us get things set up for little Aubrey.”

Moving Forward | Lisa Marie Davis 45 “I‟ll talk to her about it tomorrow, after….” His eyes clouded over, and my heart ached for him. “Christ, I‟ve been focusing on Mom, and then Dad showed up, but now there‟s no way to avoid it. Tomorrow, I have to bury my sister and her husband, and I… how do I do that, Payne, when I…?” The tears were there before he could stop them, and I gathered him in my arms. I had expected a breakdown. After all he had done to assist Emma organizing the funerals and the conversation with his father, his emotional walls were crumbling. I ached for him, but there was so little I could do—the man I loved more than life was suffering, and I could only provide moral support, which sure as hell didn‟t feel like much. My baby. I buried my face in his hair for a moment, and then I took his hand, and we left a sleeping Aubrey for the sanctuary of Jamie‟s childhood room. Once inside, I closed and locked the door and turned back to Jamie, who looked so lost, so vulnerable, and all I wanted was to make him feel truly loved, because he was. “Come here.” Taking his hand, I tugged him into my arms and kissed him gently, teasingly, sliding my tongue into his mouth, and as always, Jamie instantly responded by pressing close and wrapping his strong arms around my neck. He tangled one hand in my hair, and I could feel the kiss becoming more frantic, fueled by the desire that always burned between us—a thousand years together would never be enough to satisfy the need I had for this beautiful, amazing man. “Love you, baby. Love you so much.” I sighed the words between kisses as we quickly undressed one another, leaving shirts and jeans, socks and underwear, scattered around us.

Moving Forward | Lisa Marie Davis 46 Jamie had a hand wrapped around my cock instantly, and I bucked into the touch, my knees nearly buckling as we made it to the bed and lay down, side by side. “Make love to me, Payne,” he begged. “Please. I just want to get completely lost in you and what you make me feel every time you so much as look at me.” His lips covered mine again, and I rolled him onto his back while reaching for the nightstand and the lube we had left sitting there. I was painfully hard, and so was Jamie. I shivered at the feel of his cock brushing against mine as he spread his legs and quickly coated my fingers before brushing them teasingly over his delicious opening. He trembled and I smiled. Later, I would take time, precious time, to tease him more, but in that moment, we wanted and needed the same thing, me buried inside of him, giving us the blessed physical connection that matched our neverending and utterly addictive emotional connection. Seconds later, I eased into him, and he wrapped long legs around me, anchoring us together as we made love, our eyes locked and holding the entire time Afterwards, Jamie curled into my arms and fell asleep, and I held him for a long time before my own exhaustion got the best of me, and I drifted off to sleep. I knew Aubrey would awaken in a few hours for a feeding and changing, and I had the baby monitor sitting on my side of the bed, where I hoped her fussy cries wouldn‟t awaken Jamie. He would need all the rest possible. Come morning, the actual funeral for Ava and Matt would certainly be emotionally draining, and despite Russ‟s sudden turnaround, I suspected Emma would lean on Jamie more than she would her estranged husband, who still had a lot of work to do to

Moving Forward | Lisa Marie Davis 47 regain Emma‟s trust. If he could regain it at all. I had some doubts. I agreed with Jamie that yes, people deserved a second chance, but after all Emma had already endured because of him, and after losing Ava, I feared Jamie‟s mother might not have the emotional strength to cope with Russ‟s recovery, which was one of the reasons I truly wanted her to come to New York. At least for a while. A few months. It would do her good, and frankly, the way I saw it, Russ needed to depend on himself as he began his recovery, rather than expecting Emma to be there, ready and willing to shoulder his burdens. When I awakened the next morning, Jamie was already up, and I smiled as he came out of the bathroom with a towel wrapped loosely around his waist. Any other time, I would have tried to pull him back to bed. But not today. He returned my smile, but I could see the host of emotions in his eyes, and I knew the day would be long and hard for him, for everyone who loved Matt and Ava. “I need to get to the funeral home and make certain everything is in place before others start to arrive,” Jamie said. “And I need to talk to Mrs. Sutherland to make sure we‟re set for those coming over after we finish the graveside service.” As he rambled on about everything that needed his attention, I left the bed and went to him, pulling him easily into my arms. For a moment, he tensed, but I held firm, and after a second, he relaxed and leaned against my chest while I stroked my hands down his bare back. “Is it wrong that I just want to fast-forward this entire day,” he went on, “and have it over and done with? I really do want to honor my sister and Matt, but I‟m afraid I can‟t

Moving Forward | Lisa Marie Davis 48 handle this, Payne. It‟s too much. I don‟t know if I can get through the eulogy without falling apart and I….” The arms wrapped around my waist tightened, and I wanted to somehow grant his wish, make the day fly by, but I didn‟t have that power, and honestly, I knew Jamie needed this. He needed to say a proper farewell to Ava and Matt. All I could do was support him while saying my own goodbye to two precious friends. “If you fall apart, it‟s okay, because I‟ll be there to catch you. No matter what, you remember that.” “Payne—” “No one expects you to be Superman, Jamie. Okay? You‟re human, and saying goodbye to someone you love is painful. You don‟t have to hide that from me or anyone.” “Thank you.” He lifted his head and looked at me, and I fell into those beautiful eyes. “You don‟t have to thank me, baby. Ever. I love you and I know this is going to be an agonizing day, but we‟ll face it together.” I held him for a moment longer before pulling away. “I‟ll shower and be dressed in about half an hour, and before you try and argue, yes, I‟m going with you to the funeral home.” He actually seemed relieved, and I left him with a kiss on the cheek, and exactly half an hour later, we were both dressed, looking sober in dark suits. When we went downstairs, Mrs. Sutherland was already there, feeding Aubrey her morning bottle. She had offered to stay with the baby while we were at the funeral. It was one less worry. Aubrey would be safe with her. After holding and kissing the little girl, we left for the funeral home, along with Emma, who looked pale and exhausted. Jamie whispered to me that

Moving Forward | Lisa Marie Davis 49 he would strongly encourage Emma to return with us to New York when the time came. The drive was mostly silent, and when we arrived, I sat with Emma in the lobby while Jamie spoke with the director. “How is Jamie?” Emma asked. “And tell me the truth, please, Payne. I know he‟s hurting. He‟s trying to be strong for me, but he‟s… the only thing that keeps me from going crazy worrying about Jamie is knowing he has you.” “He‟s struggling,” I admitted, “because this leaves him feeling exposed, and you know he hates being vulnerable.” “I know.” “But he‟s also strong, and I know he‟ll be able to balance his grief with what comes next.” “You mean adjusting to having Aubrey,” Emma said. I nodded. “It will be a big adjustment, but we‟re both honored that Ava and Matt would trust us with something so precious.” “I think they made a wonderful decision, because you and Jamie are wonderful, and I truly believe you will love Aubrey and give her the most amazing life.” Emma managed a smile, but her eyes were still sad as we sat there, her hand in mine. “Look, I don‟t want to say or do anything that could undermine the plans you and Jamie have, and I do believe you two will make incredible parents, but if possible, I would like to come to New York. For just a little while. I would stay in a motel, or find a temporary apartment, but I… well, I would like to help you and Jamie with all the arrangements for Aubrey, and to be honest, I need time away from Russ while he works to get his life put back together.” “Emma, you will not stay at a motel, and yes, you can come with us. Jamie and I have already discussed it, and we

Moving Forward | Lisa Marie Davis 50 intended to talk to you about returning to New York with us.” “Really?” “I think the time away will do you good, and I can‟t think of anyone better suited to help us with Aubrey.” “Oh, Payne.” Her eyes filled with tears, and I hugged her. “We‟re family, Emma. You and me and Jamie and Aubrey. And maybe, in time, Russ can be a part of that family too, but for now, the four of us will take care of one another.” I pulled back from the embrace, and Emma wiped the tears from her eyes as Jamie stepped back into the room. I stood, holding out my hand, which he easily accepted. “You okay, baby?” I searched his eyes as I asked, and he nodded, squeezing my hand, but I knew that was mostly for his mother‟s sake, because no, he wasn‟t okay. None of us were. The grief was still too raw. The shock hadn‟t completely faded. The weeks and months ahead would certainly be a roller coaster of emotions, but what I had said to Emma was true. We were family. And somehow, someway, we would stand together and survive the grief and other tangled emotions, because Aubrey needed us, and neither Matt nor Ava would have wanted us to become lost in the trauma of losing them. Life could and would go on, and we had to live it.

Moving Forward | Lisa Marie Davis 51

Jamie THE area the funeral home provided for the actual service was standing room only as family and friends gathered to pay respects to Matt and Ava. While the priest spoke, I sat between my mother and Payne, each of them holding my hand, and honestly, I was grateful, because I felt certain an emotional meltdown was imminent, and gods, but I wanted to avoid that. I had to. My mother needed me to be strong, and when it was my turn to speak, I wanted to do Ava and Matt justice. They deserved a proper and loving tribute. I didn‟t want to fail them, but I hated public speaking. Sorry, Ava, you know I suck at this. Again, I could almost hear her telling me to suck it up already, and I smiled a little, but the smile faded quickly when the priest announced I would like to say a few words. Drawing in a breath, I stood and glanced at Payne, finding strength in his eyes. Slowly, I made my way to the front of the overly crowded room, and I looked around at the sea of faces stained with tears and realized the grief I felt was shared by everyone I could see. “I‟ve been trying to figure out what exactly should be said about Ava and Matt, but I realize there isn‟t anything I can say about either of them that all of you don‟t already know. The fact that you are here tells me you loved my sister and her husband as much as I did. And that‟s really a wonderful thing. I can look around this room and see lives

Moving Forward | Lisa Marie Davis 52 Ava and Matt touched. People who adored them. I know all of you will miss them as much as I will, but as cliché as it sounds, they will live on in our hearts, and most of all, they will continue to live on in the… in the beautiful daughter they left behind.” My eyes went to Payne again, and he nodded. “I guess all any of us can hope for is to love and be loved as much as possible and make the most of the time we have in life with the people who truly matter most, and I know Matt and Ava did that. You are all proof of that. I thank all of you for being here today, because I know your love meant the world to my sister and Matt.” I suppose I should have said more, but I felt I had expressed what was important, and I quietly returned to my seat beside Payne and my mother. Payne instantly captured my hand in his. Just a simple touch from him reassured me, and I squeezed the hand that held mine as one of Matt‟s coworkers spoke for a few minutes, and then the priest concluded the service with a prayer. Simple. Reverent. I knew it was exactly what Ava and Matt would have wanted. The brief but tearful gathering at their gravesites found me crying freely, unable to hold back tears for a moment longer. As the crowd began to dissipate, my father walked my mother back to the car. I nodded at Payne, letting him know I needed a few moments, and he joined my parents. “I‟m so sorry this happened, Ava,” I said softly, hoping wherever they were, she and Matt would hear me. “I am so sorry you and Matt won‟t have the life you deserved, with the chance to grow old together and watch your beautiful little girl grow into a remarkable woman. It‟s so unfair. But I want you to know, Payne and I will take care of Aubrey. We will love her, and I swear, you will be real for her, because we will

Moving Forward | Lisa Marie Davis 53 keep your memories alive.” I brushed at the falling tears. “I‟m gonna miss both of you. But I‟ll take care of your daughter and be there for Mom, and maybe Dad really will get his act together once and for all, and if he does, he‟ll be there for Aubrey as well.” I stood there a minute more before I turned and went to the car, and by the time we made it back to my mother‟s, the need to cry had faded, leaving me feeling mostly reserved and somber. I knew I would certainly shed more tears in the weeks to come, but for the rest of the afternoon, I found myself more comfortable, talking with friends and family, reminiscing about Ava and Matt. It was actually nice to be able to talk to people who shared the grief I felt. I even had a pleasant—if somewhat stiff—conversation with my father, and it was again obvious to me that he was making an effort. He even asked if he could maybe call and just talk once Payne and I returned to New York, and I assured him that would be perfectly fine, as long as he was comfortable with it. Payne had already told me that my mother had asked if she could come to New York with us, but I decided I would let her tell my father about her plans on that front. “We‟ll be in town another week.” That much I did share with my father, who seemed curious. “We were able to get time off work. I want to help Mom with cleaning out Ava and Matt‟s house, and we need to pack everything for Aubrey.” Instead of flying, we had decided to rent an SUV and a U-Haul Trailer and drive back with Aubrey, my mother, and the items we needed to take back to New York with us. It would certainly be an adventure. But I thought it might be good for all of us. It would at least provide a chance to

Moving Forward | Lisa Marie Davis 54 unwind. I could only hope my father would understand why my mother needed time away from both him and reminders of the past. She wasn‟t rejecting him. She wasn‟t rejecting the idea of giving him another chance, but for the first time, she was putting her needs first. Frankly, I respected her decision and her understanding that she couldn‟t magically “fix” my father. There were some battles he needed to fight on his own, without depending on others. Several hours later, while my mother and father spoke in the kitchen, Payne and I went upstairs, where we enjoyed a crash course in feeding and bathing Aubrey before Payne rocked her to sleep while I sat on the floor beside the rocking chair. “You know, you look like a natural at this parenting thing.” I smiled as Payne glanced at me with a grin, and I knew then being the “responsible parent” would fall to me, because my beloved husband was completely and utterly smitten with the little girl in his arms. “Well, Aubrey here makes it sort of easy to fall head over heels in love with her, wouldn‟t you say?” “She‟s a charmer, no doubt about it.” I rose up on my knees to look at Aubrey, who had drifted off to sleep with one hand tangled in Payne‟s shirt. “You know I love this little girl, and I believe we can and will give her a wonderful life, but I… I wish Ava and Matt could have had the life they deserved.” “I know, baby.” “The guy that hit them, his name is Mark Parker, and he‟s a divorced father with three children.” “Christ.” “I hate him for what he did, for getting behind the wheel when he knew better, but at the same time, I feel sorry for

Moving Forward | Lisa Marie Davis 55 his family because he‟s going to end up in prison, and three more kids are going to lose their father.” “True. But Parker‟s responsible for his actions. And yeah, it‟s sad that his kids will have to suffer, but at least he will still be able to have contact with his kids.” “And Ava and Matt can‟t,” I whispered. “The entire situation is so unfair, and the fact that it could have so easily been avoided makes it even more difficult to accept.” “All we can do now is move forward.” Payne looked at me again, and I reached for his hand. “If the world were fair, Ava and Matt would be here, and Parker would have thought about his own family before driving when he knew he was drunk, but he made the wrong decision, and Ava and Matt paid the ultimate price. And the people that loved them, we have to learn how to live without them in our lives. It won‟t be easy, but we have to do it, because even when our hearts are breaking, life keeps going.” “And we have to keep going with it.” “Exactly. Because Aubrey needs us. And we need one another. And at the end of the day, despite whatever pain and loss we suffer, life is worth living.” I smiled at his wisdom and kissed the hand I held. “You make my life worth living, Mr. Rogan.” “Back at ya, Mr. Rogan.” “Come on. Let‟s put the little angel in her crib. We still have a lot ahead of us, and I‟ve found I can‟t fall asleep unless your arms are wrapped around me.” Payne stood and gently placed Aubrey in the crib, and I followed, carefully arranging the blankets. “Sleep well, little princess. We‟ll always be close.” I listened to Payne‟s whispered promise, and it made me love him even more.

Moving Forward | Lisa Marie Davis 56 We left the room, hand in hand, and walked to my childhood bedroom. I was exhausted mentally and emotionally, and physically, I felt drained. As always, however, Payne seemed to know exactly what I needed. Soon, we were naked, curled together under the covers, with my head resting comfortably on his chest while he played his fingers through my hair. “I love you,” I told him. “So much. And if I hadn‟t had you with me, I wouldn‟t have made it through the last few days.” “Jamie—” “I mean it, Pay. I get my strength from you. And whatever we might face, I know we‟ll survive it. I just want you to know, if the unthinkable ever happened, you have been the best thing in my life, and you‟ve given my life meaning.” “Christ, Jamie, you know it‟s the same for me. I love you. And if I didn‟t have you, my life wouldn‟t have any warmth, any meaning. I swear, whatever comes our way, we‟ll handle it, because we love one another so damn much.” “And our family.” I lifted my head to smile at him. “And our family. Always. We‟ll keep moving forward, right?” “Right.” With a sigh, I again laid my head on his chest, savoring his warmth and the peace being close to Payne granted. “We‟ll keep moving forward together.” For Aubrey. For my parents. For Ava and Matt. And for each other.

About the Author

Born and raised in Florida, LISA MARIE DAVIS spends her time writing and babysitting her nearly three-year-old nephew, Zach. A night owl, most of her writing gets done well after one in the morning when the rest of the world is happily sleeping. Visit her blog at http://lisamariedavis.livejournal.com/.

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Copyright

Moving Forward ©Copyright Lisa Marie Davis, 2011 Published by Dreamspinner Press 382 NE 191st Street #88329 Miami, FL 33179-3899, USA http://www.dreamspinnerpress.com/ This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents either are the product of the authors’ imagination or are used fictitiously, and any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, business establishments, events, or locales is entirely coincidental. Cover Art by Catt Ford This book is licensed to the original purchaser only. Duplication or distribution via any means is illegal and a violation of International Copyright Law, subject to criminal prosecution and upon conviction, fines, and/or imprisonment. This eBook cannot be legally loaned or given to others. No part of this eBook can be shared or reproduced without the express permission of the Publisher. To request permission and all other inquiries, contact Dreamspinner Press at: 382 NE 191st Street #88329, Miami, FL 33179-3899, USA http://www.dreamspinnerpress.com/ Released in the United States of America September 2011 eBook Edition eBook ISBN: 978-1-61372-112-4