Lessons About Life Momma Never Taught Us: Happy About Learning the Easy Way

Lessons About Life Mamma Never Taught Us Happy About Learning the Easy Way

By Linda Edwards Nicole Glennon Danielle Glennon

20660 Stevens Creek Blvd. Suite 210 Cupertino, CA 95014

Lessons About Life Mamma Never Taught Us: Happy About Learning the Easy Way Copyright © 2007 by Happy About® All rights reserved. No part of this book shall be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted by any means electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise without written permission from the publisher. No patent liability is assumed with respect to the use of the information contained herein. Although every precaution has been taken in the preparation of this book, the publisher and author(s) assume no responsibility for errors or omissions. Neither is any liability assumed for damages resulting from the use of the information contained herein. First Printing: September 1, 2007 Paperback ISBN 1600050492 Place of Publication: Silicon Valley, California, USA Library of Congress Number: 2007935271 eBook ISBN: 1600050506

Trademarks All terms mentioned in this book that are known to be trademarks or service marks have been appropriately capitalized. Happy About® cannot attest to the accuracy of this information. Use of a term in this book should not be regarded as affecting the validity of any trademark or service mark.

Warning and Disclaimer Every effort has been made to make this book as complete and as accurate as possible, but no warranty of fitness is implied. The information provided is on an “as is” basis. The authors and the publisher shall have neither liability nor responsibility to any person or entity with respect to any loss or damages arising from the information contained in this book.

Why Read This Book? The book describes the lessons and insights the three authors derived from their experiences and problems with boys and men. It contains the proven discoveries about who boys really are and the reasons for the behaviors they have that drive girls and women crazy. These voyages of self-discovery are the lessons that the authors decided should have been taught to them years ago. The book shows that regardless of age (authors 15 to 50) women still have the same perplexing questions about how to approach and relate to men. 'Lessons About Life Mamma Never Taught Us' is a humorous, yet poignant, non-fiction book made up of 32 short anecdotal chapters that are guaranteed to make you laugh and sometimes cry. The book is about modern girls and women taking care of themselves and learning to manage their relationships, attitudes, and lives. The book is a great read for every woman who wondered: • • • • •

"If I am so good to him why would he do that to me?" "Why does his bad behavior make me look so psychotic?" "Why would he dump me after I gave him the best sex in his life?” "Why can't I keep a boyfriend more than a few months?" "Why does he cheat on me?"

Praise for ‘Lessons About Life Mamma Never Taught Us’

"This book is a treasure for women of all ages. If you have ever wished for the perfect advice, a comforting mother's words, or questioned your intuition, this book is for you. 'Lessons About Life Momma Never Taught Us' is also a perfect gift for a grown woman, a college gal, or a young girl on the brink of womanhood. A wonderful and ongoing gift for any woman you know." Marni Kamins co-author of 'The Breakup Repair Kit' and The Dating Repair Kit'

"I loved the book, I couldn't stop reading it and had to finish it in a day!!! This would be a book that I will definitely recommend to my friends; both girls younger and older than me! Not only did it have true facts in it! It was also very humorous!!" Carly, an 18-year old female from North Carolina

"'Lessons About Life Momma Never Taught Us' is like a learner's permit manual; teaching girls to be in the driver's seat. Being near the ages of the two younger girls, I can relate to their stories and views. The book gets personal and I think while reading it girls would think back and relate to experiences and thoughts they've had about guys. Every girl needs a book like this as a step-by-step guide into the minds of guys." Maureen, a 19-year old female from upstate New York

Publisher • Mitchell Levy, http://www.happyabout.info/

Editor • Don Huntington

Photographer • Russell Byrne, [email protected], 925-550-4260

Cover Designer • Cate Calson, http://www.calsongraphics.com/

Copy Editor • Barbara Klare

Additional Praise for ‘Lessons About Life Mamma Never Taught Us’

"…a great book for young girls and young ladies to read and learn from, Great for women of all ages – to remember what you already know but forgot, a keeper to pass from one mother, daughter, sister, friend to another!!!" Kelly Schuler, a mother, daughter, sister, friend

"Thank you for your book! It made me realize after all of these years what I might be doing wrong. I just had an old flame come to town that thought it would be a great night of sex and I didn’t give in. I feel so liberated. Your book is awesome." Victoria, 40-year old female from California

"Not only is this book a great read for women, and for young girls, but, also for men and for their young boys..." Richard, 40-year old male from California

Dedication We dedicate this book to ALL Women. No matter what age we are, we still have much to learn about love and life and men!

Acknowledgements We want to acknowledge Don Huntington for being such a fabulous Editor for us. When Linda first approached Don and told him the wild idea that the three of us had, of writing a book that would hopefully spare other women from making the same mistakes we felt we had been making, she was as nervous as can be. How do you ask a man you have known for years professionally, to be an editor on a book about “sex”? He was going to have to deal with three crazy women who blatantly wanted to express their feelings to the world! Needless to say, Don was incredibly open, willing and supportive. Due to his commitment to us in time and talent, you can reap the rewards of our combined effort. So hats off to Don! We also want to thank Mitchell Levy for believing in us and seeing the potential in what we had to say long before our product was even finished. Linda also would like to acknowledge her son, Luke, for allowing her to have more PJ parties than one man should be able to tolerate in a lifetime, while the girls chatted and wrote feverishly, weekend after weekend. God Bless you, Luke. Finally, we want to thank our parents, for making us the beautiful women that we are, and even though our “Mama’s” didn’t teach us some of the lessons we share with you in this book, we have been blessed by their love and care for us immensely. Linda's Mom and Dad, particularly inspired the values that we share with you here, and we hope to revive again for future generations. Enjoy! Linda, Nicole, and Danielle.

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C o n t e n t s Intro

Introduction . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .1

Part I Dating. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .3 Chapter 1

Stop Being Needy, Clingy and Psychotic . . 5 Nicole . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 5

Chapter 2

Don't Make a Girlfriend Out of Your Boyfriend. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 9 Danielle. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 9

Chapter 3

Stop Being So Nice! . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 13 Nicole . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 13

Chapter 4

Don't Be Fooled by Words . . . . . . . . . . . . . 17 Nicole . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 17

Chapter 5

Learn that Men Don't Change . . . . . . . . . . . 21 Nicole . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 21

Chapter 6

Don't Get Lost in Cyberspace . . . . . . . . . . . 25 Linda. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 25

Chapter 7

Practice Honesty . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 31 Danielle. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 31

Chapter 8

Don't Be Delusional . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 35 Nicole . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 35

Chapter 9

Wait for the Right Man . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 39 Nicole . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 39

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Part II Sex . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 43 Chapter 10

Keep a Three-Month Rule . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 45 Linda . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 45

Chapter 11

Hold Out for Romance . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 49 Danielle . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 49

Chapter 12

Practice Celibacy and Other Dietary Fads . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 53 Danielle . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 53

Chapter 13

Can You Be an Easy Lover? A James Bond Girl? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 57 Nicole . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 57

Chapter 14

Don't Use Your Body as Bait . . . . . . . . . . . . 61 Linda . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 61

Chapter 15

Don't Be a Victim of Lust . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 65 Nicole . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 65

Chapter 16

Don't Practice "Cool" Sex. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 67 Danielle . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 67

Chapter 17

Don't Screw Your Friends. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 71 Nicole . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 71

Chapter 18

Learn to Manage Your Sexual Energy . . . . . 73 Linda . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 73

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Contents

Part III Health . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .77 Chapter 19

Guard Your Alcohol Consumption . . . . . . . 79 Nicole . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 79

Chapter 20

Know Your Body . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 83 Linda. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 83

Chapter 21

Take Care of Yourself . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 87 Linda. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 87

Part IV Marriage . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .93 Chapter 22

Think Before You Say "I Do" . . . . . . . . . . . . 95 Nicole . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 95

Chapter 23

When Married, Maximize Your Sexual Advantages . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 99 Linda. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 99

Chapter 24

Chastity Is More Than Sonny and Cher's Daughter . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 105 Linda. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 105

Part V Life . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .109 Chapter 25

Don't Take It Personally — They Can't Help Themselves. . . . . . . . . . . 111 Danielle. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 111

Chapter 26

Keep Your Life; Keep Your Boyfriend . . . 115 Nicole . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 115

Chapter 27

Accept Yourself as Beautiful. . . . . . . . . . . 119 Linda. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 119

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Chapter 28

Learn to Flirt. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 123 Linda . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 123

Chapter 29

Be a Top Apple . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 127 Linda . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 127

Chapter 30

Get Over Your Dad . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 129 Nicole . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 129

Chapter 31

Tell the Truth About Abuse . . . . . . . . . . . . 133 Danielle . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 133

Chapter 32

Conclusion: Live Without Regret. . . . . . . . 137 Danielle (15-17) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 137 Nicole (18-20). . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 138 Linda (48-50) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 138

Authors

About the Authors . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 141 Other Happy About Books . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 144

Appendix A

Comprehensive List of ‘Things to Think About’ . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 145 Dating. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 145 Sex . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 147 Health. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 148 Marriage . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 148 Life . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 149

T-shirt

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Lessons About Life T-Shirt. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 151

Contents

I n t r o

Introduction The book is about modern girls and women taking care of themselves and learning to manage their relationships, their attitudes, and their lives. The tone is like a pajama party, with the three of us taking turns describing what we have learned from our experiences and what we came to realize while talking about our problems laughing, sometimes crying, and often coming to what seems to us to be profound insights about ourselves. The three of us have been friends for the past five years. Even though our ages are diverse (from 15 to 50), we discovered that we share the same experiences and problems with boys and men. We subsequently began to turn relationships, at times, into scientific projects to find out who they really are and to identify the reasons for the things they do that drive us crazy. Our research and discussions led us on voyages of self-discovery. As a result, we finally learned lessons that really ought to have been taught to us years ago. The following pages describe what we have learned. We narrate our experiences in an informal and humorous fashion. We're glad to share these with others so that they can learn from us without necessarily having to go through the trauma and failures that we experienced in finally coming to a place of wisdom about these matters.

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1

We hope that as you read the following pages, you will recognize that beneath the surface we really are sisters, sharing in common the problems, fears, and joys that make us who we are and that sometimes drive us crazy. Come join the pajama party and laugh and learn along with us.

NOTE The names of those we refer to as "our characters" in the book are the universal names of "Adam" and "Eve." What better way to explain men and sex then to go back to the original couple? Some things never change; nor, in our opinion, have men and women changed since the dawn of time.

2

Intro

Part I Dating Top Five Things to Think About: 1. While you can't control a man's behavior, or actions, you can control yours! 2. Don't expect your boyfriend to fulfill the same needs you naturally get from your girlfriends. 3. Recognize behavior patterns and cut them loose sooner versus later and save yourself months or years of agony. 4. Don't fall for what men say to you, fall for what they do! 5. Don't believe immediately in a new relationship that "you're the one that can tame him."

c h a p t e r

1 Nicole

Stop Being Needy, Clingy and Psychotic The age range of the three of us spreads over more than three decades, from 15 to 50. Linda, Danielle, and I had a number of pajama parties together and learned, to our astonishment, that in spite of the diversity of our ages, all three of us have been repeating a dysfunctional pattern of behavior in which we behave very badly after a succession of boys has used and then discarded us. Furthermore, we have become aware that a number of our girlfriends have been going through this dreary cycle as well. My friend, Eve, for example, was maintaining a long-distance relationship with a boyfriend. They were talking on the phone one day and he said he would call her that evening before he went to sleep. She never heard from him that night so she tried to call him. He didn't pick up so she tried again in the morning, then several times in the afternoon, and several more times after dinner. Late in the evening, in desperation, she tried again, and he finally picked up. "What is your problem?" he screamed at her. "You are so needy, clingy and crazy!" The three of us could tell similar stories. I could, for sure. The pattern begins as I get into a relationship. For a while things are wonderful, but

Lessons About Life Momma Never Taught Us

5

then the guy suddenly breaks off contact with me. A well-adjusted person, with a firm grasp of reality, would just let him go. After all, he obviously has a reason for the disconnect, even if I can only guess what it might be. So I've had to admit the difficult truth that I'm not "a well-adjusted person, with a firm grasp of reality." The three of us have discussed together whether one reason we become psychotic is because these guys do things like say they're going to call, but then lack sufficient courtesy to give us the 30 seconds worth of explanation that we deserve, which sets off bells and alarms in our minds. If they just left a message, "I don't feel like calling. Goodnight," it would be enough. But they can't even do that much. Guys like that might not be stupid but they act stupid. They lack remorse and aren't even tempted to try to excuse their behavior. They seem inept, deaf, dumb, and blind. We want to ask them "Did your mom not teach you anything on how to treat a woman?" But that's a stupid question, because the answer is obviously "No." Just like our moms didn't teach us the things we needed to know in order to stay out of those situations. Our behavior in these circumstances is absolutely crazy because it has no basis whatsoever in any rational thought process. What can possibly be going through my mind when I phone the guy over and over all day long, leaving messages on his answering machine, sending him emails twice an hour, and texting him every 15 minutes? Do I imagine that if he won't answer the phone the first eight times I call, he might pick up the phone on the ninth? Or the twelfth? It's just insane behavior. Literally! Someone defined a type of insanity as doing the same thing over and over expecting each time to get a different result. And after all, who knows why he isn't calling? Perhaps he just needs a little space and a chance to assure himself that he is remaining in control of his life. Or maybe he's tired of being with me. Perhaps he's with someone else and is no longer interested in me.

6

Chapter 1: Stop Being Needy, Clingy and Psychotic

Or maybe he was run over by a dump truck and is lying in a coma in the intensive care unit of some hospital. One indication that I really am psychotic when a boy does this to me is that, on some level at least, that last possibility — the one with the dump truck — seems to me to be the most attractive of them all. At least it is far more appealing than the one just before it — the "with someone else" one. If that jerk is messing around with someone else then I would run him over with a dump truck myself, if I were given the chance. Or would feel like doing so, at least. I have to keep realizing that this is a stupid and twisted way of thinking. When I feel like I'm losing control over a relationship, and then attempt to regain my position in some obsessive fashion, I lose even more control. Worst of all, I lose control of myself. The solution is for me to not get impatient at these times and go spiraling into panic mode, but to get busy with some project that doesn't have anything to do with dating. I have to stop sitting around and looking at my phone. I'll go to the mall with my friends perhaps. Maybe I'll work out. I could get a punching bag and pretend that it is Adam's face. However I manage it, I need to give the guy enough space so he can do his own thing without me, if he wants to. And anyway, the only possible thing I can do to get a guy back who isn't coming around any more is to ignore him. Linda says that some men are like boomerangs; they only come back when you throw them away. Or perhaps they are wild horses. If you try to lasso them they will pull away from the noose. That "wild horse" thing is a pretty good picture, actually. I'm sometimes hanging on to the rope with an iron grip while some horny stallion drags me on my stomach through a lot of dirt and crap. So I should just let the guy go. If he has unfinished business, maybe he'll come back. But after all, would a perfectly sane person even want such a bozo back? Another thing that makes such behavior so crazy, is the total absence of any possible answer to the question that if he really can treat me in this shabby way, why would I want him? What self-respecting girl would ever consent to be in an intimate relationship with a self-absorbed person who can treat people like this? Why would I even consider trying to maintain a relationship with a person who uses and abuses people?

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Unfortunately, I can't do anything to put broken boys back together. The only part of these dysfunctional relationships that I can do anything about is the one I am responsible for my own self. And it's becoming clear to me what my part of the problem actually is. I really do become "needy and clingy." Therefore, I need to become emotionally self-contained. I need to figure out how to get into the driver seat of my own life. So I'm changing my attitude. I must learn to play what marketing philosophers would call a "supply-demand" dating game. Since becoming more available only turns men away, I should set the standard that if they want more of me; they have to play by my rules. That marketing model sounds more calculating than I'm willing to actually be. But the fact is, I'm learning to hang out with a guy I like while being able to say "no" and make it stick. It is getting easy, in fact, because I'm finding it empowering, even amusing to remain in control of myself. I don't play games, but I simply develop a healthy amount of emotional space between my psyche and any guy these days. In some ways, I'm learning to manage a relationship as though it were a dance. I can't go charging like some mad cow through the dance; I need the grace to move back, move to the side, then close and back again. I need to play with the situation. At the beginning, guys act like it is a dance, of course. But some of them turn it right away into rough sport — as though it was a war and I am the enemy to be defeated. If a guy wants to turn our dance into a game of dodge ball and try to nail me with his big balls, I'll just go find someone else to dance with.

It's okay for a girl to be in the lead in this dance. It's okay for me to be in the driver's seat when it is important for me to be there. It's not okay to do insane things with guys. I'm committing myself to never again be needy and clingy! Things to Think About: 1. Don't worry if you don't hear back from a man…time will tell you the truth. 2. While you can't control a man's behavior or actions, you can control yours!

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Chapter 1: Stop Being Needy, Clingy and Psychotic

c h a p t e r

2 Danielle

Don't Make a Girlfriend Out of Your Boyfriend

The three of us have developed a rule in our relationships with boys that we refer to as the "Don't Burp and Fart Too Early" principle. One of the errors that all three of us have made with guys has been in getting too comfortable with them too soon. We stop treating them like boyfriends and begin treating them like our girlfriends. But the situation is really different. Sometimes boys seem to be treating us as though we are only friends, but in reality they want something more. Even though guys sometimes seem to be able to behave in gross and disgusting ways early in a relationship, most of them prefer their girlfriends to retain a little mystery and at least a minimum amount of grace. Men look for the illusion of beauty. They enjoy the intimacy of seeing a little skin, for example — or a lot, actually — but they often don't enjoy being in the same room with us when we fart or go poo.

Lessons About Life Momma Never Taught Us

9

When the three of us get together, Nicole, Linda, and I often let our hair down with each other to an amazing extent. We feel as though we are together in a warm cocoon that we've created by our shared intimacy and by the complete lack of filters that we place on the subjects we talk about and the ways in which we behave. In the same way I can do anything, say anything, or be anything when I'm with my girlfriends. We girls especially like to talk about our relationships with other people. We do a lot of the "Wait until you hear what Marsha told me about what Steve said to Amber last week at the Crab Shack." This is always such great stuff for us! The fact is, at that moment my girlfriends are listening with eager and even rapt attention to find out exactly what Steve told Amber last week at the Crab Shack. I always knew that boys and girls are different. What I didn't realize sufficiently was how the difference affected the nature of our communication patterns and discussions. This kind of information about "Amber," that we find so fascinating, will bore most guys out of their minds. We get confused about this because at the very beginning of a relationship, when a guy is trying to become my boyfriend, he might say anything, or listen to anything in an attempt to take the relationship to the level of intimacy that his hormone-charged body is begging for. He might even follow up with questions like "What did Amber say then?" He's not really interested at any level of his mind, however, in the discussion about Amber and Steve; he's just trying to stay by my side. In his mind, he's concentrating on things that really matter in that other world that he actually lives in. Maybe he's thinking about who the Giants are playing tonight or how long it has been since he had his "oil changed." Most likely he's thinking about my breasts, or he's wondering what color panties I have on, or if I even have any on? After getting the information he needs about breasts and panties — or after giving up on ever getting it, as the case may be — his true nature explodes out of its hiding place and he shouts at me, "Don't you girls talk about anything else except what you did all day long and who said what to whom?" And he asks our friends offensive questions like, "Does she ever shut up?"

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Chapter 2: Don't Make a Girlfriend Out of Your Boyfriend

We've come to realize that differences in communication patterns lead to other misunderstandings. If a guy says, "I'll see you Friday night" it might mean that he really isn't planning to contact me until Friday night. If a girlfriend said those words to me, there would be no implication that she and I wouldn't have three one-hour phone conversations, four online chats, and might exchange eight text messages before Friday. But a guy sometimes says, "I'll see you Friday night" with an implied message, "and I'm not going to talk to you before then." We get into misunderstandings with these boys because our expectations in the social realm are far beyond anything they will ever be capable of living up to. They're never going to spend an hour talking to me on the phone about my day, unless they are trying to get something from me. Linda said that she once succeeded in actually turning a boy into a girlfriend, but discovered later that the guy was gay. Oh well! The three of us have concluded that our temptation to treat boyfriends like we treat girlfriends will always get us into trouble. Maybe a guy and a girl can be good friends and have nonsexual relationships. But it takes a lot of compromise of attitudes and behavior — usually on the girl's part, of course.

I'm going to continue trying to make friends with guys if there are any out there who would like to be with me on that level. But at least I'm going to stop making the mistake of making girlfriends out of my boyfriends.

Things to Think About: 1. Don't expect your boyfriend to fulfill the same needs you naturally get from your girlfriends. 2. Understand and respect that men and women communicate in completely different ways.

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Chapter 2: Don't Make a Girlfriend Out of Your Boyfriend

c h a p t e r

3 Nicole

Stop Being So Nice!

I love doing nice things for people. I perform acts of kindness such as purchasing for my friend special treats during final exam week to help her cope with the stresses of that time. When it comes to relationships with boys, I guess I'm sometimes too nice. One particular experience illustrates my problem. When Adam and I were going through a low point in our relationship, he tore the ligament in his shoulder in a football injury. He was facing surgery and became terribly depressed. I tried to make a really creative effort to do what I could to make him feel better by preparing a special package for him. I included in the package all his favorite things: a six-pack, a Big Hunk candy bar, a girly magazine, and a gift certificate to our Restaurant, which is where we had one of our first encounters. I sent the package simply to be nice and to help the guy feel better. I wasn't trying to instigate anything, nor trying to leverage my gift to Adam for some ulterior purpose. As an indication of the fact that I did not intend to manipulate Adam into some response, I didn't put my name on the package. I had just gotten a new job and sent the package from my work address, which he

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wouldn't have easily recognized. I didn't want him to feel obligated. But, on the other hand, I guess I wanted the gift to be a game. I left enough clues so that he should have figured it out if for no other reason than the gift certificate was to our personal restaurant. I was dismayed when I never heard from Adam. He never even told me that he had received a package from some source he didn't recognize. I'm sure that he knew the package was from me, however. Perhaps he imagined that my behavior was strange. Strange thoughts were going through my mind, for sure. Maybe Adam didn't get the package. Perhaps it was delivered to the wrong place. I did a little psychotic PI work and gave the tracking slip to Linda. I told her to call Adam and to represent herself as a manager from FedEx. "Hi, Adam," Linda said. "I'm Sally from FedEx. It was reported that you did not receive a package that was sent to you. Did you receive the package?" "Well, yes I did," Adam answered. "You in fact received the package?" Linda repeated. "Yes" "So there was no reason to lodge a complaint?" "No." "Thank you for using FedEx," Linda said. I never heard from Adam about anything for over a month, and he never brought the package up to me. I was totally hurt. I had invested a lot of time and imagination in that gift. If I had just sent a get well card, my feelings would be different. I think that part of my problem was being too nice for Adam's own good. Perhaps he thinks of himself as a macho player and doesn't want to be seen as a wuss. But he could have emailed me or left a message. Actually, I have no idea to this day why he never acknowledged my gift. I just know that I didn't feel okay about this.

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Chapter 3: Stop Being So Nice!

From what I hear and have observed, I think a lot of girls make the mistake I made of trying to be too nice to some guy they are interested in. Linda said that she tried to earn men's love by doing things to make them happy, not stressed. She says she gave herself too completely to a boyfriend. When his laundry room was being repaired, she did his laundry. He would have a BBQ at his house and she would serve as chef, hostess, and head of the cleanup crew. None of these things won his love, piqued his attention, or even earned his gratitude. He would give her $500 so she could take his daughter Christmas shopping. Linda would wash his cars and dog-sit for him when he went on trips, took the dog to the vet, picked up his mail, watered his plants. She did all that while he was on a trip to New York where he picked up the person who took her place. So I think that my behavior towards guys must be a matter of timing whenever I do anything to display thoughtfulness. I must not be too nice too soon in a relationship. I must manage my level of niceness.

From now on I'm keeping a check on how much I do and how soon in a relationship I do it. I'm not going to be nicer than any guy deserves me to be. I guess it would be clearer to say that I'm not going to be nicer than any guy can stand for me to be.

Things to Think About: 1. Being too nice, too soon takes the mystique out of a new relationship for the man. He knows he already has you. 2. Protect your heart by not being too nice too soon. 3. Overly nice behaviors can be perceived by men as "needy and clingy."

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Chapter 3: Stop Being So Nice!

c h a p t e r

4 Nicole

Don't Be Fooled by Words

You have to interpret from what guys say to what they actually mean. One of the awful species of male that Linda says she has run into a lot, is what she calls "The Maybe Man." Guys who don't want to commit to long-term relationships can irritate us, but these “Maybe Babies” don't want to commit to next Friday. "Maybe I'll see you next Friday," he says. Meaning, "I'll see you Friday unless something better than you comes along." Even worse, however, are the sweet-talking guys who tell us mushy stuff that they imagine we want to hear in order to get us into some compromising situation. The honey talk comes easy to some of these jerks because they are manipulators at heart. "You're so beautiful!" they say. "I want to be with you." They give us pet names "Sugar Baby," "Honey," "Sweetheart," "Darling." These guys figure out at an early age that some of us are gullible and susceptible of falling for this stuff because when they try it, the gushy stuff works! We start to melt and to have the kind of reactions they are hoping for.

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Too often, however, this is a really dysfunctional exchange because all this mushy stuff, from their point of view, is their way of saying that they are interested in us. Our big problem is that the message we receive — and one that we long for — is that they think we are really special. A week after being with one of these guys, I realized that the whole thing was really a fishing expedition. The guy had baited a hook with sweet talk. And I bit. The result was not at all what I had been hoping for, but exactly what he expected. I wasn't special and he got what he wanted. Now he's using his mushy talk on some other easily deceived girl. My response to this is starting to change. Now when a guy looks me in the eye and says, "You are the most beautiful girl I ever..." I'm finishing the thought with "Blah! Blah! Blah!" And then add, "Gag!" "Gag!" "Gag!" followed by "Run!" "Run!" "Run!" We need to interpret their language early as the new relationship develops. When Adam says, "Your dress is so pretty," I feel pleased and flattered. However, what he means is, "I wonder what you look like with your clothes off!" When he says on the first date, "You have the most beautiful eyes I've ever seen!" I think that he thinks I'm beautiful. But what he actually means is, "I wonder what you look like with your clothes off!" When and if the second date comes around, Adam, who barely knows your last name says, "I want to be with you!" I'm thinking some kind of boyfriend/girlfriend or even fairytale relationship. But what he means is, "I wonder what you look like with your clothes off!" I'm thinking love. He's thinking lust. Linda has started telling guys, "The last man that called me 'baby' had to marry me, so you better stop now."

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Chapter 4: Don't Be Fooled by Words

I don't buy into words anymore. I look at actions. I believe that actions speak louder than words, so his actions had better not be completely different than his words. Or I'm not going to pay any attention to anything he says.

Something to Think About: 1. Don't fall for what men say to you, fall for what they do! 2. Actions speak louder than words.

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Chapter 4: Don't Be Fooled by Words

c h a p t e r

5 Nicole

Learn that Men Don't Change

As difficult as it is for us sometimes to believe, the patterns you see emerging in guys after the first couple dates, are the patterns they will follow for their whole lives. If a man begins to show signs of being moody and possessive on your third date, then you should prepare yourself to put up with a moody and possessive person for the rest of your relationship with him. Don't expect the sulking babe ever to revert to being the loving and sensitive guy he seemed to be on your first date or two. That wonderful person never existed; he was just a fictional character created by your imagination. Linda said she once dated a man who showed jealousy towards an usher who hugged her in church. She saw the pattern and foolishly ignored it. But she said the guy's possessive behavior only got worse. Danielle dated a guy for a year who couldn't be bothered to give her a Valentine's card. She made excuses for him. "He's too busy," she would say. "He's got other things on his mind." But I told her, "If a guy can't manage to send his girlfriend a Valentine's card now, how is he going to treat her later on their anniversaries, her birthdays, or other special occasions?

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The sorry fact is that guys are what they are. They're not going to change, except they will probably get even worse when they figure out that they don't have to behave in a certain way in order to keep us around. When I went out with Adam, we could go weeks without talking at all, or even a month. And during that month I thought we were casually dating. I always thought he would change and begin to show more affection towards me. I hoped that he would want to stay connected in a more regular fashion. But Adam was never going to act any different towards me. He is a moody and self-absorbed person. That's just the way he is. Linda said that when walking through a crowd, one guy she was dating would walk ahead and never look back to check on her to see if she was OK, or to see if she was keeping up. This kind of guy will never develop courteous habits. Linda had to decide if courtesy is an important thing to her. If it is, then she needed to cut him loose. Linda said that one guy's favorite pastime was watching sports on three TVs. He knew the name of every player. At first she thought it was cute. On her birthday he took her to a 49ers game. He once showed up late for a date because he had to stay in front of his TV to watch the end of a game. If they were watching a game together Linda had to keep her mouth shut and not say anything to him until the beer commercials came on or until the game was over. Linda told me that she used to daydream sometimes about coming into the room dressed in a thong and one of Danielle's skimpy cheerleading outfits and doing a sexy dance in front of him just to see if maybe she could lure him away from the darned TV set. She realized that she probably could have distracted him, but then after a quick "wham-bam-thank you-ma'am," she knew the guy would end up right back there in front of the TV and calling to her while she was cleaning herself up in the bathroom, "Hey, babe! Could you get me another beer while you're up?" Too often we think that we're going to find some way to change a boyfriend's habits, and then make excuses for our guy's behaviors. But that isn't helpful because we need to decide how important it is to us to

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Chapter 5: Learn that Men Don't Change

have a guy send us a Valentine's Day card or put us ahead of his interest in sports. Because he isn't going to change. We can't make excuses for him except to say, "That's just the kind of person he is." We women tend to remain in relationships too long. We try to outwait a guy's behaviors and imagine that "the real person" will show up. But "what you see is what you get," as they say. The trend at the end of the first three months — and in most cases long before — will be the trend for the long haul. We have to lose the attitude that we can change guys. "I'll teach him the manners that his mother didn't." It's a recipe for disaster, because I will never overcome habits that some guy has developed over years.

What we can change is ourselves. I'm developing the habit of watching for patterns of behavior. I listen to the expressions of speech a guy uses. I pay attention to his actions; take note of his lame excuses. At that point I can then decide whether I can live with those things or not and permit the relationship to go to a deeper level, or else I'll cut the guy loose and run for the hills.

Things to Think About: 1. If you see a "red flag"… believe it! 2. Don't make excuses for a man's bad behavior. 3. Recognize behavior patterns and cut them loose sooner versus later and save yourself months or years of agony.

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Chapter 5: Learn that Men Don't Change

c h a p t e r

6 Linda

Don't Get Lost in Cyberspace

The Internet is a mixed bag for an unattached single. It is the best of resources; it is the worst of resources. The Internet is both wonderful and awful. I've been hanging around Match.com and have a MySpace site. I'm too old for the MySpace experience. It's a site for the younger crowd. Plus, 21 year-olds who were looking for some kind of fun kept hitting on me. And they knew my age! Danielle created a MySpace profile for me. Then to make it funny, she created a fictional man who she named "Joe Bob," and had him send notes to me, all fake of course. Joe Bob became my first online friend! He actually started getting emails from a woman who was interested in him. Unbelievable. Match.com has been an interesting ride, however. I've been using the site off and on for five years and have met a lot of guys who I otherwise would never have known about. The result has been two extended relationships with people I've met there. Both of these were good. A lot of the Match.com connections that didn't produce any chemistry still resulted in good friendships. One of the guys I contacted picked

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me up in the late morning, flew me in his plane up to the Sierra foothills, bought me lunch, and got me back to work in the same afternoon. I've had great rides on motorcycles with guys that I met through the site. I've had trips to the beach, romantic dinners, plays, trips to the ballet, and more other nice experiences than I can remember. Mind you, these adventures only took place after meeting these men on several occasions in public places. On the other hand, Match.com has also resulted in a number of awful dates with complete jerks who were 15 years older than their profiles said they were, or 30 pounds heavier, or six inches shorter — sometimes all three. You can make up anything about yourself, which appeals to people who are operating out of some twisted desire to be someone who they are not. Some of these sick people completely falsify their profiles, lying about their age, weight, marital status, career, and children. Think about it…someone loves Joe Bob. Some of the guys on the Internet are pure evil. I went on a date with a man who had "Divorced" in his profile and "Looking for a committed relationship." On our first date I discovered that he had a wife in Hawaii and was looking for all the free sex partners he could find while she was gone. I enjoyed the fancy salmon dinner he wasted on me in spite of the fact that I found the guy to be a totally baffling dinner partner. On a first date with another guy, we ordered hamburgers and he ordered fries. As we were talking, I playfully lifted a fry off his plate and the guy actually turned on me like a mad dog. "If you want fries," he shouted at me. "Order your own!" One guy said I should pick out a restaurant because he wanted to take me someplace nice. I chose one and when he saw the menu he said, "Look at these prices! I hope you're paying for this." Nicole, Danielle and I have decided that in these cases we should just cut the cord early. In a restaurant the next time I get that weird feeling in my gut that this date is going nowhere I should decide right then to look for the appropriate opportunity to exit gracefully. Another big problem the Internet has as a dating tool is the distrust that the technology breeds. Thirty years ago, a guy trolling for women might meet two prospective females in a week; but now he can get into cy-

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Chapter 6: Don't Get Lost in Cyberspace

berspace and meet hundreds. The extreme availability of contacts with women gives rise to a "grass-is-always-greener" mentality for some guys. "Why accept this person?" they think. "She's nice, but there might be a million others who would be better." They risk what they've got, or what they might have had, in a compulsive need to check out the next possibility. "So many girls, so little time" — that's their slogan. But it's a foolish position for them to take. Using one of the online communities as my only source of relationships also sets me up for fear and distrust. It gives me too much knowledge that I can interpret in too many different ways. The Internet helps me to do the psychotic thing. For example, people are now able to "spy" on their intended dates to see whom they've been talking to and, on MySpace, at least, what they've been saying. I might have a perfect date with "Adam" on Friday and then go online Saturday afternoon and see that the creep has been shopping for women for three hours. I know that women sometimes create totally fictional profiles to lure their boyfriends to see if they are still being attracted to other women. A friend of mine, Eve, after a sex-filled weekend, actually did that. She created a perfect female for her boyfriend. Then, when he "bit" and began chatting with what he thought was a wonderful person, she just reeled the guy in. She had him! She ruined their relationship by her deceit. Of course he bit; she knew she created his ultimate dream girl. There's something strange about chemistry in an online relationship that I've learned to watch out for. When you meet him in person, he might turn out to be a completely different human being than what he appeared to be online. A cyber friend might be great for a month, but when you meet the guy face-to-face the whole thing could blow up. The best thing I've learned is to meet with the guy as soon as possible so I won't be able to develop any completely false illusion or fantasy about him. I've discovered that Internet dates are like Forest Gump's box of chocolates. You never know what's on the inside of one of these guys until you "bite into him." The way they falsify their profiles, you don't even know what's going to be on the outside for sure.

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We need to watch out for ourselves when taking Internet contacts into the real world. I usually meet my e-pals for the first three or four times in a public place like a Starbuck's or a highly trafficked restaurant. As much as kids hate to hear their parents say, "You can meet crazy people on the Internet." The fact is you can meet crazy people on the Internet. MySpace is the worst. First of all, anybody can create anything. Danielle created my site. And then created a virtual "friend" who then became my first MySpace buddy. She deliberately created "Joe Bob" as a geek. And Danielle says that Joe Bob is still getting emails from that girl who is interested in him. The poor girl has no idea that Joe Bob doesn't even exist except in Danielle's imagination. Nicole was totally addicted to MySpace at one point in time. She created a fake stealth account so she could watch what people were doing and saying. She had a habit of spying on people. Deep down she knew that Adam was bad for her, but Nicole searched online for reasons to justify what she already knew. She is finding that he's obviously doing the same thing with other girls that he did with her. It's compulsive. She's deleted her sites in the past, but then creates new ones. It's the same behavior as a friend who throws her pack of cigarettes away, but bums cigarettes at the bar that night. Danielle got so involved during one semester, looking through Cyberspace for her next Romeo rather than studying Shakespeare that her GPA went from 3.0 to 1.2 as she floundered through the online wilderness. MySpace is a big, exciting, and sometimes dangerous place for younger people, especially young girls. It lures the kids in because especially during their teen years, they are trying to separate their identities from their parents' influences. They can post a provocative picture of themselves, for example, and be dazzled by their own daring — and thrilled by the reactions they get. They can market themselves to their particular group by engaging in risky behaviors.

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Chapter 6: Don't Get Lost in Cyberspace

This kind of behavior is actually as old as childhood itself. Little Red Riding Hood is lured off the path that her parents told her to stay on. It's thrilling to be off that path. She's heard of the Big Bad Wolf but can't believe in her heart that he's really there — or that he's going to show up in her life. I really hope too many girls won't write "Joe Bob" because Danielle might write a reply on Joe Bob's behalf. They'll never figure out the truth.

The Internet is a hammer, someone said. It is an instrument that people can use to build something, or to send someone to the hospital with a crushed skull. I've learned from my own experience that the Internet can be my best friend or my worst enemy. I've met some astonishing people — both amazingly good and amazingly evil — whom I wouldn't have met otherwise.

Things to Think About: 1. Your first instinct about someone new is usually accurate. 2. Always meet new friends in public places. 3. Don't use the Internet as a "spying tool." If you have to use it to check out their fidelity, then you already have a problem. You wouldn't be on the Internet if you didn't think there was a problem.

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Chapter 6: Don't Get Lost in Cyberspace

c h a p t e r

7 Danielle

Practice Honesty

I've been getting turned off by the untruthfulness that seems to surround so much of the current dating scene. It seems that we teach each other patterns of dishonesty and misrepresentations. For example, in the first five minutes someone meets you, they have already classified your values to be either easy or classy. I suppose that many times we can't simply tell each other the raw truth. If any boy told me, "Hi! My name is Adam and I came to this party to get laid. You seem attractive to me. Can we hook up? Adam thinks, "Good, I won't have to waste my time on any other girls in the room…" I mean, that's never going to work. So Adam comes up to me and says something he doesn't really mean. He tries out a pickup line of some kind. "Your name is Danielle? I think 'Danielle' is such a great name. I've been watching you from across the room. I think you're the sexiest girl at this party." Or something else equally vacant as he tries desperately to figure out things he could say that would let me permit him to remain by my side.

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I know that it was actually my breasts he was watching from across the room, because I intentionally chose to wear that low cut top! He's wondering what it would be like to touch those things…, while all I want to do is get to know him. And then I respond with something equally pointless and false. "I think that shirt is really sexy. It makes you look so hot..." The whole dating thing continues going down this track, as we persist in talking together about nothing meaningful. We each are telling the other lies and making hollow and flirty comments until he thinks we are going to hook up. That might be the end of it. Or we might flirt with each other for a few days or weeks after that in a series of encounters involving pointless conversations until one or the other gets bored and gradually drifts away. Or else we break up in an argument, or a series of arguments, in which I try to express how frustrated I am because of the inability of the relationship to meet the deeper needs I have, after which he begins trolling for his next hookup, which is what he wanted to begin with. And he starts out just where he started up with me. "Hi! Your name is Danielle? My name is Adam. I've been watching your breasts, err, you, from across the room. I think you're the sexiest girl at this party." And I continue to practice the same false routine. "I think those pants are really sexy. It makes your butt look so hot..." I'm determined to learn to be more honest in my relationships, which means that I'm going to get into relationships that are about more than sex. I need to find a guy that meets the deeper needs I have for things like friendship, validation, genuine love, kindness, and encouragement. Trying to make this change in my approach is a little dangerous, I guess, because what I'm really talking about is communication, which is just what many of the boys don't want to hear about.

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Chapter 7: Practice Honesty

It is a common occurrence that when a couple finds themselves in a relationship that lasts for more than a few days, the girl ends up saying something like, "We've got to talk about where our relationship is going." But in many cases the guy doesn't want to "talk about where this relationship is going," because the relationship has already reached the exact point that he wants it to be…; in the bedroom. It should be possible for two people to start talking about the relationship right at the beginning. Why must I begin by telling white lies about the guy's shirt or butt? For example, maybe my "pickup line" might be something like, "Look at Mary & Joe. They've been together for over three years. Don't you admire couples who can make that kind of commitment to each other?" I mean that's never going to work. Maybe that would be too extreme. But I could say something like, "What do you plan on studying in college next year?" I may lose out on a few guys initially, but, since I really do want something more than a one-night stand — or a one-month stand, for that matter — I'll gladly let the guy go. I don't care if I could have made him stick around with some flirting comment about his hair or his ass; I no longer want that kind of guy to "stick around." So I'm not going to be satisfied any more to just say things to a guy to make him think that I'm hot — which I now realize is all that I was actually trying to accomplish by all those pointless flirtations. I could talk about something genuine I knew to be true about the guy. For example, "I admired the way you spoke kindly to Eve's mom a few minutes ago." It helps, I think, for us to understand that we haven't been behaving in honest ways in our relationships with each other. Boys end up dumping us for stupid reasons. We ask why, but forget how we set up our first impression. Facing the truth is a liberating practice. We don't have to set ourselves up for disaster.

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Most especially, I can begin to act with more honesty myself. I'm going to begin exercising strength by making my first impression a lasting impression. I'm going to learn how to look a guy in the eye and say things that have to do with what I really want out of life and out of relationships. I'm going to be true to myself and then practice honesty with the new guys I meet.

Things to Think About: 1. If you act untruthful, don't be surprised! 2. Behave on date night one the same way you want to be treated on date month three. 3. Think about the impression you want to make ... a one night stand … or a viable girlfriend?

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Chapter 7: Practice Honesty

c h a p t e r

8 Nicole

Don't Be Delusional

Adam was so rock hard and charming that he turned the heads of all the girls in a room. He was a football player. Buff and self-confident! Right from our first conversation the guy showed all the right moves. He had a quick smile and a way of looking at me with both eyes that made me believe that he found me attractive. He came across as warm and sensitive. He showed interest in the things that I found interesting. I was fascinated by the fact that he could talk to any girl he wanted to and yet he chose to spend time with me. Adam was charming and delightful. I was so pleased that he liked me. Our relationship moved easily to a level where we could naturally express our affection for each other. Our times together were immediately charged by the shared physical desire that I now know was lust. Our first kiss was breathtaking! Our shared passion grew into a wild thing that effortlessly broke down my boundaries and restraints. I was good for him! I was what Adam wanted! It was great! For one night!

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And then Adam changed completely. He stopped calling and wouldn't return my calls. With neither remorse nor guilt that guy absolutely ruined a beautiful thing I thought we had created together. The experience filled me with terrible feelings of rejection. I felt used and unclean. Why couldn't Adam have been a worthwhile person for me to love? One day I got an answer to this tormenting question. My friend Eve got herself into exactly the same kind of failed relationship with another guy named Adam. One night she was hanging out with him and was finally able to ask the question that was burning in the minds of both of us. "Why, Adam?" she asked him. "Why are you like this? Why do you treat girls like we are just disposable objects?" And then Adam answered, "Because I can." As soon as Eve told me that, I realized that her one-night stand had spoken the unvarnished truth. I had a moment of great clarity. Before he dated me I had known that my Adam had been with a lot of girls. He had gotten into a number of relationships and always got what he wanted. This was no secret; his behavior was obvious to everyone. My assumption that he would behave differently with me than with the girls he had taken before was worse than mere wishful thinking; it was delusional! It was stupid! And apart from a few girls, perhaps, every one of the girls that Adam had been with had suffered from the same delusion too. This kind of impersonal activity goes beyond just breaking up for these guys. They are also able to remain in casual relationships and have sex with girls they have no intention of being committed to. One of my good guy friends was in a relationship for two years with a girl he deeply cared about. He broke up their exclusive relationship and soon began cycling through five or six other girls. He sleeps with them, and has no commitment with them…because he can! I asked him why he did that and he said that he didn't know. A week later he called me up and said that he had been thinking about my question — and said that he honestly didn't know why he behaved like that.

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Chapter 8: Don't Be Delusional

The guy really does like all five or six of those girls and treats each of them with friendliness and respect. I know he does it because he can. It's a situation many guys would envy. He has a variety of sexual partners without the need of making any commitment whatsoever. So now I finally get it! The big problem wasn't that Adam is cocky and full of himself to an amazing degree. I knew that about him going in. The ultimate responsibility for my failure lies with me, not with Adam. Adam was able to do that awful thing to me because I didn't resist it. He used me because I was perfectly usable. As far as boys like Adam are concerned, the whole world is a garden filled with desirable females as wild flowers growing along the pathway of their lives. We lie there, watching while he plucks and discards us one after another. And still we cry out "Me next! Pick me next!" My friend, Eve, asked Adam if he would ever change his alley cat ways and he promptly answered "Yes, of course. I will change when I want to settle down." And then he added "This is just a phase." I've come to believe that Adam will eventually develop into a worthwhile human being, and in a decade or two he might actually become the person whom I wanted him to be during our brief time together. When that happens, I imagine Adam will look back with great fondness over the women he collected in his youth and probably won't remember my name. He'll simply remember me as one in the string of happy conquests that he was able to make when the world was young and we all kept lining up for his satisfaction.

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In the meantime, I've got to learn from my new insight. I'm determined to re-evaluate my boundaries when it comes to how fast the relationship moves with a guy and make it stick, otherwise I know that in the end my self-esteem will be effected. I will never again remain one of the girls who people like Adam can keep screwing. And screwing up.

Things to Think About: 1. Remember it is you that has all the control. 2. Once you have sex, you have possibly given up your control. Choose wisely. 3. In a new relationship, don't believe immediately that "you're the one that can tame him."

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Chapter 8: Don't Be Delusional

c h a p t e r

9 Nicole

Wait for the Right Man

Too often we seem to be attracted to the wrong kind of men. We like the sense of danger and edginess that we sense in some guys. I think we are sometimes hypnotized by men who fascinate and lure us into danger. These dangerously attractive men flaunt an "I'm the guy your mom warned you about" attitude. My mother never actually warned me about that kind of person, but I've begun to give the warning messages to myself. One of the most important decisions I made was that I won't permit myself to get into a relationship with any boy whom I can't admire. I've had a lot of problems in the past with guys who were charming and handsome, but were full of their arrogant self-love and lack of concern for the needs and feelings of others. Another decision I'm making is not to get into a relationship with any boy who doesn't admire me. I've had my fill, frankly, of guys who have feelings of lust for my body but who don't care a bit for the other qualities I have, which are much more important to a lasting relationship than mere physical beauty.

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I'm sensitive to the needs of others. I can be a good companion to a person who needs a hug or who simply needs someone to stay close for a while. I'm loyal, honest, and friendly. I have a good sense of humor and enjoy moments of shared laughter, but I can also weep with people who are crying. I have friends who cherish me and are always happy to have me in their presence. A person could find a lot of things to enjoy in a relationship with me besides the essentially superficial qualities of appearance. So I'm not going to be satisfied ever again to be in a romantic liaison with a guy who doesn't appreciate the qualities that make me who I am — and not just the ones that make me look good in my cheerleading outfit. I want someone who will listen to me — someone who can look beneath the surface of things and who will come to love me as the woman I actually am and not simply be fascinated by the shallow sex object he might imagine me to be. I've gotten into trouble because of holding the same shallow views of boys as some of them have had of me. That's going to stop! Another decision I've made is to not get into a relationship with any boy who doesn't appreciate and respect his mother, because I believe that the attitude a man has towards his mother speaks a lot about the way he feels about women in general. For that matter, I'm not going to get into a relationship with a man who behaves rudely to people like waitresses, flight attendants, and policemen. An arrogant demeaning attitude towards people who serve the public points to a mean, petty, deficient personality. Any jerk, who will behave rudely towards a cab driver today, will be just as rude to me in the future.

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I've come to learn that I won't compromise my time and settle for just any guy for fear of being alone. I'd rather be with my friends, or enjoying time by myself, and open my soul to a new opportunity of meeting Mr. Right.

Things to Think About: 1. You don't need a man to be happy. A man will not complete you. 2. Learn to love and enjoy yourself.

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Chapter 9: Wait for the Right Man

Part II Sex Top Five Things to Think About:

1. Virginity is not something you need to "get over with….” hold on to it as long as you can because you can't get it back. 2. You don't need to have sex with a man to win him. 3. Do what you want… but live with the consequences. 4. Having sex young really doesn't make you cool. 5. Self-discovery is a healthy and natural way to have "safe sex"!

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10 Linda

Keep a Three-Month Rule

One of the things the three of us have talked about from time to time is the advantage of maintaining a period of time between a first date and any possibility of physical intimacy. We need sufficient time to learn the good, bad, and ugly about any guy before we make a decision about whether to get into a more intense relationship with him. Too often we have made the sad observation, "If I knew then what I know now, I would never have let that guy get to first base." I can't tell you how many guys I've started dating that seemed really great, but after a few months I look at the creep that I now understand him to be and can't for the life of me imagine what I ever saw in him. The three-month rule is not intended to get me a boyfriend, but to preserve my pride and dignity. I may lose the man, but I won't lose my self-respect. Anyway, what kind of girl wants to get into a relationship with a guy who wouldn't want to be with her if she wouldn't immediately have sex with him? I lost one guy (I can't remember his name) who might have stayed around if I had "put out" for him. About that same time my friend, Eve, kept a

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guy sniffing around her by having sex with him, only to find out that he had simply been adding her to his collection of women! Neither of our experiences ended up the way we would have preferred, but she had a lot more regrets and self-contempt than I experienced. The three-month rule helps us to really understand what kind of person we're keeping company with. Someone told me, "Never get into a relationship with anyone until you see how he treats food servers or help in a restaurant and until you've been camping with him." Good advice! I'm also going to watch to see how the guy treats his parents. How does he talk about his brothers and sisters? His neighbors? What is his attitude towards authority? Towards policemen? Is he a nice person? Is he a good man? Danielle once had a guy try to be her Valentine only to discover later that he had stolen her box of chocolates from a drugstore. To add injury to the insult, he filled out the card, which he had also stolen, and spelled her name "Daniel." She was lucky that she hadn't had any physical relations with the guy, but could simply walk away from him and leave him to his sorry fate, which will doubtless include time in prison at some point. Guys can keep up an act for a few weeks, but they aren't good enough actors to keep up the front for three months. If I'm starting to date the kind of person who has it within himself to curse a waitress who gets an order wrong, he'll slip up at some point during those three months. And how grateful I will be on that day to give the jerk his walking papers without any of the tears and bitter denunciations that otherwise would have filled my heart if I had slept with him. And there's one other advantage. One guy admitted to me that he had a three-month rule of his own — after dating a girl for three months he would dump her. Socially challenged guys like that would have no chance to pull their "love-'em-and-leave-'em" tricks on me. I learned the hard way to make the three-month rule a private standard and not tell any boyfriend about it. The disclosure leads to unlovely results such as the guy beginning to count the days remaining before being able to reach some consummation that, in fact, he might never enjoy. Revealing our three-month standard will create a false sense of either anticipation or anxiety on the part of any guy.

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The three-month period isn't set into stone. I'm going to maintain a somewhat platonic relationship with any man, however, until I've gained enough knowledge and understanding of him to be able to enter into an exclusive committed relationship with all my heart while keeping intact my pride and dignity.

Things to Think About: 1. The three-month rule is to help you walk away from fresh relationships guilt-free by minimizing the amount of sexual encounters you might regret! 2. The three-month rule is a guideline to protect you and allow time to REALLY get to know the other person.

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11 Danielle

Hold Out for Romance

One way so many of us seem to be messing up these days is that by giving guys what they want early in a relationship, we effectively destroy the possibility of romance. In our grandparents' day, men used to come courting girls with flowers, songs, and poetry. Grandpa wasn't trying to get grandma into his bed, but was trying to get her into a relationship with him — first as a romantic partner and then as his honored wife. The flowers and songs were often not intended to be the means of getting into the women's knickers, but the way of getting into their hearts. In Grandpa's day, there were bad girls who they screwed with and good girls who they married. Now we've abused the modern freedom we have been given because the boys imagine that they can have sex for nothing and they can! I got into a relationship with one guy named Adam. I know I seemed desirable to Adam for the obvious reasons of my bright smile, contagious personality, shapely legs, and attractive breasts — perhaps in the reverse order of actual impor-

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tance. However, I realize that I also seemed attractive to him precisely because he could be in a relationship with me without it interfering with his life in any way. "I want to come over and hook up," Adam would tell me, which was his non-poetic way of saying that he wanted to have sex with me. "Why don't we just hang out and watch a movie," I would say. "Well, let's watch the movie after we hook up," he would then suggest. I'm really offended by this kind of exchange and the lame bargaining that it implies. What the guy is really saying is, "If you give me sex I'll tolerate your movie," with the additional unspoken comment, "Though with no guarantee that I won't fall asleep, or leave first..." Some of these guys refer to us as their "hoes," which is to say their whores, and while the term certainly isn't flattering, it is often uncomfortably accurate. And we're cheap whores, at that. He can have me for a $4.95 copy of The Notebook from Blockbuster. Actually, it's even cheaper than that, because I'm the one paying for the video. Adam has no interest in me or in my other social relationships. He doesn't want to become friendly with my parents. Just the opposite. "Is your mom going to be home?" he asks. "How long will she be gone?" He imagines my empty house to be my love shack where I'll be waiting. Adam and I were always weird at school and kept our "hooking up" as a secret. He never mentioned me to his parents, but just told his folks that he was going to work on a project. He only took me to his home when he knew his parents weren't going to be there. When we were alone we never talked about what we were doing, we just did it. We only talked about our sexual activities through text messages. I wanted to please him so I would send him flirty text messages.

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During one stressful period my menstrual cycle was late, which really freaked Adam out. Obviously, the last thing on Adam's list of cool things was to have any responsibility for me or for any little Adamster that resulted from his actions. If I had gotten pregnant with Adam, I have no doubt he would have been gone. It's my own fault that I'm being treated this way. I got into that relationship with Adam when I was a sophomore and he was a senior. He was all over me when we were alone together, but would often completely ignore me in the hallways at school because of his desire to look cool to his friends. He knew his behavior hurt and offended me, but his concern for my feelings was non-existent. The final straw was when he waited until 10 PM on Valentine's Day texting me "Happy Valentine's Day." How can guys behave like that? How can they live with themselves? We can't learn the answer to those questions, so it is best just to let them go. Even if we ask them they wouldn't give us a truthful answer. I think they don't really know the answer. They're not really living by a set of rational, well thought out principles, but are simply following wherever their hormones lead them. So the romance is completely missing from our lives these days. I imagine that some girls — maybe a lot of them — might be content with that kind of arrangement. They want to get laid so they find some guy who wants to get laid and everything's cool. I know it seems like a weird pattern, but for some girls, it is probably nothing more than a practical recognition of what they feel they need out of life. But I don't know any girls like this personally. All of my girlfriends agree with me about these things. And things aren't getting any better. We seem to be experiencing sex at ever younger ages as random and meaningless activities because that's all we see on TV and we don't know anything else.

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My friend Eve was drunk with her younger boyfriend and in tenth grade she ended up losing her virginity in the back seat of her car with her legs sticking out the window, while people stared and laughed. What a great way to lose your virginity! In High School relationships, you never hear about kids that want to wait a long period of time to have sex. A long period of time could be a couple of weeks or a month. This is because we are not taught to wait longer. I don't really want a guy to come singing love songs to me or making up poems, but I've come to believe that I'm really missing something important. While grandpa was courting grandma, she was the most important thing in his life. I will never be the most important person in anyone's life unless I can figure out how to change my patterns of behavior so that I can find someone who will treat me as a person to be valued and cherished. I intend to become a person worthy of that kind of attention. I resolve to stop texting Adam, "Did you bring the Trojans?" Instead I'll stop at, "Let's see a movie tonight?" and then let the guy win my heart.

Dating should be like a contest. I'll be the prize a guy can win only after doing the right thing and winning my affection through giving me the genuine attention that should be part of any really great and satisfying romance.

Things to Think About: 1. My body is a temple, and I won't abuse it. 2. The longer you wait for sex, the better the romance gets.

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12 Danielle

Practice Celibacy and Other Dietary Fads

Linda told me one day that I should be celibate. I said "Yew!" "Is that like someone who only eats like halibut? Is it like being vegan but only eating seafood?" "Let me guess? I can figure this out," I told her. "'Celibate.' Is that like someone who pronounces syllables wrong? Dad talked about the need to 'always accen-TU-ate the right syl-LAB-le.' Are you celibate if you don't?" "'Celibate' might be a nickname for someone who is a silly-butt. Is that it? Someone who is silly all the time?" I've started to figure out what celibate is. It means refraining from sex, or abstinence. When I first learned about this, I was surprised. I thought I actually preferred the "halibut" explanation. After all… We get hungry so we find something to eat. We get thirsty so we find something to drink. We get horny so we find someone to screw.

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It all made perfect sense. I'm beginning to believe that celibate people have some advantages. My friends refer to sex, for example, as "Smack some fat. Whack! Whack! Whack!” That seems awkward and unlovely. Who wants to do that? Sex seems like fun and is pleasuring — at least sometimes. But afterwards what was the experience worth? Early sex, especially, is confusing. “One of my friend's mom encouraged sexual behavior....” Eve's mom buys condoms for her. That's so strange! It's no wonder why she has sex in the house with her mother's permission because she provides condoms and allows it to happen. My other friend's mom set up all her firsts: her first drink; her first smoke; and her first sex event. "Was it good?" she asked. "Did he come?" That's way too much detail in my opinion for a mom's encouragement with a 15-year-old. Loose sexual behavior makes our lives so complex; it gets people angry and fills us with bitter regrets and hostile feelings that we should have been able to avoid. Celibate people must be a lot happier than some of the sexually active people I know. Celibacy is also a lot better than having meaningless sex with people whom I don't know. A whole lot better than getting chlamydia! Or becoming a 15-year-old-mom! Any discussion about celibacy cannot be about virginity for me. It's too late. I can't re-do that "un-" special moment in bed again. The first time was just a user moment, as far as I was concerned. The initial sex act was like a chore. It was like, "Lie on the bed." And then Whack! Whack! Whack! It was unsatisfying and unfulfilling. We really aren't stupid but sometimes we act retarded. We lie there like a dead person with our legs apart while the guy's doing his humping thing on top of us.

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I ought to aim to be free from sex until such a time as I meet someone who shares mutual love with me. Not to please friends or satisfy my curiosity. Not to pleasure someone else. Not to be cool. Not to do it at all until I know with my heart, soul, mind, and body that it is the right thing to do. I don't have to be laid to have a relationship with men. It seems to me that celibate people probably have the opportunity to form more rich and rewarding relationships than I can with people who I've slept with or who are trying to figure out the approach that will get them into bed with me. Linda said that years ago babies in orphanages were cared for, diapers changed, and fed. But the mortality rate among the infants was huge until the caregivers began picking up the babies, holding them, and touching them. When they did that the babies began to have a much better chance of surviving. It seems that humans need to be physically touched in order to thrive. I'm going to avoid easy sex by learning to do things that keep my body, mind, and spirit whole. I'll get touched by a masseuse rather than some horny guy. Yoga can satisfy my need to keep my body moving. It involves sharing with others in an intimate context. I can hold hands with my friend. I can pleasure myself three times a day if I want to, or take Salsa lessons. I can find snuggle buddies. Sometimes when I walk into a room where Linda is sitting on a couch. I'll push her down on her back, lie on top of her, and we'll just snuggle and laugh together. It's a beautiful thing. I love it! I've always been a hugger — always enjoyed a hug back. Casual sex is different, however. My body is my most precious possession. It is ridiculous to simply give it away to some guy who thinks of me as though I were simply an object for his sexual gratification. Now that I've come to this awareness and know how people can be celibate, I'm going to try to use this knowledge and these tools to resist the urge of hopping naked into bed in order to satisfy longings that I could take care of in other more appropriate ways.

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After all, I never have to regret practicing yoga, dancing, holding hands with a friend, or getting a massage. I should quit doing things that make me ashamed of myself or that make me wish I could turn back time and make a different choice. I decided to put into effect the resolutions that Linda, Nicole, and I made during our pajama parties. I'm taking it easy with my current guy, a hunky ballplayer. We've gone to ball games, barbeques, parties, and have spent hours just hanging out together. We do more things every week than Adam and I did in a year. It's been good! It's actually been amazing! The guy doesn't go to sleep until he text messages me to find out if I'm okay. We've been together for four months and all we have done is kissed. He thinks I'm special! He thinks I'm great! And at least in this relationship, I really am!

My experience is proof that changing your attitude really works. I've made changes in my life that are paying off in improved relationships. At first the concept of refraining from sex seemed dated and old-fashioned. Now that I get it, however, I'm going to try to be a silly-butt…. Whoops! I mean celibate myself.

Things to Think About: 1. Be cool, use the three-month rule. 2. Virginity is not something you need to "get over with…” Hold on to it as long as you can because you can't get it back.

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13 Nicole

Can You Be an Easy Lover? A James Bond Girl?

Linda, Danielle, and I have been talking a lot about proper sexual behavior and it has occurred to us that what one person might believe to be "proper" is absolutely inappropriate in someone else's opinion. I don't personally care if a person is into casual sex or even whips and chains, as long as she is prepared to accept the possible consequences of her actions. It seems to me that I might conduct my own self on several different levels at one time or another, depending upon my attitude about myself and my body. My attitude might range from one of free sex, to responsible sex, to reserving myself solely for my marriage partner, when I ever marry. I don't think I would ever practice absolutely free love on one hand, or abstinence until marriage, on the other. I believe in faithfulness within marriage, and any husband I take better believe in it, for sure! I'm going to keep things so fresh that he's not going to have enough energy for anybody else.

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Linda says she would never mess around with a married man because of her belief that what goes around comes around. She hopes to be happily married someday and for sure doesn't want anyone messing around with what she's got going on. It seems to me that whatever level of sexual activity I come down to at any particular point, I should manage my sexual experiences at that level in a responsible way. In the first level of sexual activity, which is free sex, I would be practicing pure sex without any concern about romance or commitment. I would do this simply for the love of making love; just for the love of getting laid. I would be practicing sex in the absence of normal things that most women associate with the sex act and would become involved in behaviors that are most common for some men. Such things as one-night stands, "love-'em-and-leave-'em" relationships, and other "don't-look-back" kinds of behaviors that are difficult for most women easily to understand but perfectly comprehensible for some men. The problem with sex at this level is that most of us end up practicing it in random and thoughtless ways. We go to parties expecting to have a good time and discover later that we don't know whether we have had a good time or not. Without being smart about their behavior, women with the "free sex" attitude become available sex objects for most men they come across. My friend met a woman who wanted to play Prostitute and John. I don't know what that game might actually be, but it probably would end up with him getting for free what otherwise would have cost him a hundred bucks. A modern fantasy is that girls like this might become a James Bond Girl rather than a slut. The James Bond Girl retained dignity and respect because she was using 007 as much as he was using her. And he knew it. In such a relationship the boy becomes an object with which the girl can satisfy herself. In that case sex becomes a perfectly selfish encounter where each person uses the other for mutual satisfaction. "If I give you access to my body, it will only be on my terms and never on yours."

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Chapter 13: Can You Be an Easy Lover? A James Bond Girl?

"If you play your cards right we can have fun together, but, as far as I'm concerned, this is all about me and never in your life is it going to be about you." If you can get away with this, go for it. Maintain yourself in control of the situation and maybe you'll end up having a lot of fun. I don't know if in the real world girls really get away with that kind of behavior, however. At least in the long haul. My friends who have gone that route all seem to end up with real regrets. We think we can separate our emotions from sex acts, but we can't. These affairs become like a weight around our hearts. They drag us down. I've learned my lesson. If I'm not into the relationship for the long haul, I'm not going to do this at all. Linda always told me that first impressions are lasting. I once overheard two guys in an airport who were categorizing women walking by as being people they might like to take home to mom or as sluts that they might take home for the night. This made me realize even more that though I might want to dress in a sexy and provocative fashion to draw attention to myself, I have to be aware of taking it too far so that I am not simply the girl that some guy wants to bang, but someone they could hope to take home to their parents.

I'm going to avoid the "Easy Lover" — James Bond girl behavior. I can't handle it emotionally. I'm not a James Bond girl. It would be fun to live that fantasy but it's like having a fantasy about being able to fly. It seems great but every time I might jump off some ledge or building I know I'm going to crash.

Something to Think About: •

Do what you want… but live with the consequences.

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14 Linda

Don't Use Your Body as Bait

Going into an irrational panic mode when guys drop out is only one of the psychotic behaviors that the three of us have noted as we relate to men. Even worse, perhaps, is the temptation to have sex with a guy in order to keep his attention. My friend, Eve, has recently successfully severed ties with a controlling alcoholic drug-using obsessive-compulsive person with whom she had a relationship that at best could be described as six months of marital bliss followed by a decade of marital blahs. She has been trying to get into a relationship with some man — any man — and has been trolling bars and singles' hangouts using her body as bait. Since Eve is, in fact, a brown-eyed brunette, with a perfect body and a radiant smile, she has been able to get a number of men to take the bait. She smiles, wiggles her butt, flashes her breast, and sets the hook. She imagines that she is giving men everything they want — hot sex until the light of dawn appears in the sky. But they never stick around. Eve's problem is that the tumble in the hay which she gives these guys is, in fact, all they want. Or, at least, it is all they want from her. They might,

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in fact, someday want more from some other woman but they will never want anything more from her. I think a lot of guys — most guys, perhaps — are scared of any woman who will get into the sack with them on the first date. Eve's situation is even worse because these things aren't even dates. The guy doesn't have to buy Eve a meal, or take her to a movie or dance. He doesn't have to buy her flowers. She's out of her clothes and in bed sometimes before he learns her last name. Eve recently had one of these nights of super-charged sex with one new acquaintance and then charged a weekend in Vegas for the two of them on her credit card. Before the occasion arrived, however, the guy called her and said, "Sorry, I've met someone I like." She was baffled by the guy's behavior, "He's really going to give up a weekend of sex and fun with me," she said, "in order to spend time with an unknown entity?" I think maybe the problem is that, in one sense, at least, the guy, in fact, knew Eve much too well. She revealed things at the beginning of their relationship; he knew all too well she was too easy for him. The other part of her problem, perhaps, is that the guy knew too little about other parts of Eve — her personality, likes/dislikes, attitudes — all the things that might have made her more than an object of lust. I imagine that the guy's comment, "I met someone I like," was important. Obviously, he didn't like Eve. He no doubt had never found out enough about her to know whether he could have liked her, or not. It is easy and natural for feelings like admiration, respect, and affection to sometimes blossom into camaraderie, then into friendship, and from that into genuine love, leading to physical intimacy. The process is as natural as making salad out of a head of lettuce. But it's very difficult to get the feelings to flow in the other direction — to go from physical intimacy back through camaraderie, friendship, genuine love, to affection, and respect. I'm not saying that it can't happen, I'm just noting that in my experience it hasn't happened, and in Eve's experience it is certainly not happening. I think the process is like trying to construct a head of lettuce out of a salad. You're simply trying to push the process in an unnatural direction.

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So we can use our bodies as bait to bring a guy in, but trying to keep him on the hook after we've given it up is a problem because we've lost everything that is mysterious and special in the eyes of the guy. Using my body as bait can be effective if I'm willing simply to become one prize in the trophy case of some guy's conquests. Otherwise, I'm going to save my body for finer purposes — those that will result in happiness for me and lasting delight for a lover who will love me indeed. Eve is typical of some girls in looking for love in all the wrong places. A guy may sound like he has affection or even love for some easy person he is with, but in most cases he is simply saying whatever it takes to get her into bed. He's got a big hunger and she's the hot fudge sundae currently running all over the plate before him. Tomorrow he probably will want something else. In fact, I can imagine that one night in the sack with Eve is actually like eating two dozen Crispy Crème donuts. A guy might enjoy that one time, but who could blame him if the next day he might prefer a piece of pie — or even a Tootsie Roll? There's a lesson to be learned, I think, in picturing sex as a dessert. Some guys will keep snacking around until they find a girl who is a 13-course dinner with plenty of appetizers of character, and side dishes of things like a pleasing temperament and personal integrity to keep the guy happily at the table. And then, if he sticks around long enough and demonstrates that he's not simply a hog or a glutton, she might one day offer him the sweet favors that, after all, belong at the end of the wonderful dining experience in order to consummate it and not at the beginning to destroy a man's hunger for the other courses.

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I'm going to try to guide any guy I meet in the future into an adventure of discovery as our relationship matures. I've got to teach any man who comes into my life that there's no possibility of him having dessert in my bedroom until he's appreciated the appetizers, entrees, and side dishes of my whole character and personality.

Things to Think About: 1. You don't need to have sex with a man to win him. 2. Most likely by having sex with a man early you will lose him. 3. What kind of dessert are you?

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15 Nicole

Don't Be a Victim of Lust

One problem we have is that for a typical boy the sexual act is a challenge and an adventure. He is the Starship Enterprise and is boldly trying to go where no man has gone before. At any rate, he is trying to get into a place that he himself has never gotten into before. The problem, of course, is that I will never be his home planet! He doesn't intend the Enterprise to spend the rest of its time confined to the spaceport of my heart. Once he has accomplished his mission, it's up and away — once more boldly trying to go where no man has gone before, or to yet another place where he, at least, hasn't yet gone. There is actually a better picture for this than Star Trek. For the kind of guy that I'm often most attracted to, sex is like a hunt, and I am his prey. The hunter doesn't want me; he just wants to capture me. He wants to claim me. He wants to hang me in the trophy room of his mind. His mantra is, "So many girls! So little time!" And he's going to do his best to collect the entire population of desirable females before he's done.

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Of course, my big problem is that I am fascinated by the pursuit myself. I enjoy being chased after. I love the passions that I can arouse in the one who is hunting me. I'm especially intrigued by the amazing spear the guy is carrying. I can easily manipulate the hunter and get him to stay on my track by flashing a little leg or merely holding one of my breasts for a moment against his arm. Sometimes the contact is accidental, of course, but other times I know exactly where my breast is. And, furthermore, he knows where it is. And I know that he knows where it is. And — best of all, I think — he knows that I know that he knows where it is. And the first time that happens it is a wonderful thing for any guy. The biggest thrill for the guy, I think, lies in the pursuit itself. He thinks that he's closing in on his victim and his mind is full of imaginations about how the capture will go and what the conquest will feel like. Even if he goes home empty-handed he will still take some satisfaction from the thrill of the pursuit — far more satisfaction than if FedEx simply delivered a dead deer carcass to his front door.

At the end it's all a big mistake. I thought I was opening my heart. I imagined I was being loved, but in the end I was only being screwed. He never wanted an eternal place in my heart; he only wanted a few minutes in my bed. And I got just what I deserved because I allowed it. Because it will happen again, unless I change myself. Things to Think About: 1. Allow the man to hunt. Let him chase you for a while… longer. 2. Don't underestimate his need to hunt… longer. 3. Don't be the dead deer at the front door.

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16 Danielle

Don't Practice "Cool" Sex

Sex seems to be replacing cigarettes as the rebellious thing to do. I think earlier generations would sneak out behind the school to have a smoke, or would smoke in the bathroom. Cigarettes for our parents and sex for us share the same attraction. It's an adult thing. So now instead of smoking, kids are banging each other behind the school or in the bathroom. Everyone except the teachers know what's going on and think it's a BIG joke. For us, "doing it" has replaced smoking as the cool thing. I'm a sophomore. My friends and I are all 15 and many are sexually experienced. We all keep track of each other's sexual activities. Even more shocking, two of my friends felt they were ready to have sex at 13 and did so to turn their relationships more serious. Now looking back, they both wish they had waited until they were older to appreciate the value of sex. Linda says when she was 13 she was too busy playing with Barbies and sex was never a thought. Only one person in Nicole's circle of college friends hasn't had sex. That person is the only girl either of us knows personally who isn't sexually active. She's like a guy. She hates being

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in a relationship and having to call the guy, pretending to be interested in what is going on in his life. She has no tendency whatsoever to be clinging and sweet. She's content with her life. Her family and friends provide everything she needs. I don't think it is a coincidence that she is also one of the rare young people we know whose mom is still married to her dad. Her parents are happy together. She has had boyfriends, but Nicole says that she is waiting for the right time to have sex – and that's a cool excuse to remain a virgin. "I'm not ready for sex," she says. Obviously she can get by with that. Nicole admires and respects her, as do I. It's no wonder that the rest of us are all sexually active. Media influences everything. Why buy True Religion jeans for $240? The ads glorify sex. MTV does it. It's everywhere we look. The adults aren't any help with this. Mom offered to buy Nicole birth control pills when she was only 13 years old and she didn't even understand what mom was talking about. I got the same offer a few years later. It's interesting; we got offered birth control pills, but never the "sex talk." My opinion is parents don't talk about sex today with their kids; they just leave it up to the school. In school they leave out the personal values and the kinds of effects sex has on your emotional state. That job is supposed to be up to the parents. My attitude about sex was, "I just want to get it over with." I thought that I couldn't relate to my friends; they were having sex. I was a horny girl. The actual event wasn't like a birthday party; it was stupid, and boring. I dreamt that it would be like a fairy tale, but it was actually like a short stand up comedy routine that bombed. After we had sex, the guy became even less interested in me than he had been before.

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Maybe having sex today is on par with smoking as the cool, sophisticated thing to do. You could get pregnant or contract some kind of disease. Some of the kids who were smoking behind the gym a couple decades ago are paying heavy penalties for their nicotine addiction. But, Linda knows kids who are dying young from Aids. Ultimately, however, neither smoking nor sex is actually very cool when you just do it to make some kind of statement. I'm not sure what role sex should play in the life of a healthy, mature, single girl. I'm sure, however, that the activity should be more carefully thought out and more satisfying than it has been in my own life.

I need to bring some sense of commitment to the act. I've going to reserve sex — or at least the sex act — for a guy who really appreciates me and who will be there for me in other ways than merely physical. I'll never again have sex just because it is the cool thing to do.

Things to Think About: 1. If you have any doubts, then you shouldn't do it. 2. Having sex young really doesn't make you cool. 3. Having sex young isn't the experience it looks like in the movies.

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17 Nicole

Don't Screw Your Friends

A phenomenon that is documented in everything from Harry Met Sally and episodes of Friends to real-life experiences by all three of us is that nothing is as effective as sex for screwing up a friendship between a guy and a gal. I'm still buddies with a number of the guys I went to middle school and high school with. If we had been intimate that would never have happened. I guess everyone knows how that works. Two people really enjoy hanging out together, watching movies, laughing at jokes, playing video games, and generally enjoying each other's company. Neither of them thinks of the other as a sex partner. But then they begin experimenting. At first it's casual, but then the level of intimacy increases. Their free and happy relationship begins to acquire an edge of passion. The boy, especially, starts to look at his friend in a completely new light. Soon his desire runs out of control and he begins to act upon his growing infatuation. The girl really does like the guy, and doesn't want to hurt his feelings and so they become intimate.

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This is the reason I have never let my friends cross this line because I have seen how different my friends become after they have sex with good friends. I think it is important for a girl to have guy friends. Therefore, we need to maintain boundaries around our bodies that we won't let guys cross — especially our male friends. And it's all up to the girl to keep these boundaries in place. I love my guy friends, but I don't let it go there. That would be disastrous! Such behavior would lead to a catastrophe and would cut me off from the possibility of remaining buddies with male friends.

I want guy friends who will still be my friends five years from now. Unless I keep boundaries carefully in place, that's never going to happen.

Something to Think About: •

Having male friends is great. Keeping them as friends can be a challenge if you let it become sexual.

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18 Linda

Learn to Manage Your Sexual Energy

Knowledge of one's self is the starting point for wisdom in a lot of areas — perhaps in the area of sex most of all. My mom tried to teach me about sex, or at least about proper sexual behavior, which for her simply meant, "Don't have sex at all until you're married." I grew up in the south and that society regarded the appearance, at least, of sexual propriety to be more important than fame or fortune — at least if you were a woman. I was a "good girl" so far as surface appearances went. The fact is, that I've always been a sensual individual — easily aroused by taste, smell, sight, and touch. Especially touch! My mom's "education" about sex didn't really teach me anything about myself. I knew I was supposed to keep my knees together and to avoid the advances of loose boys. But for a while I didn't really learn how to manage my sexual feelings except by ignoring them.

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The repressive patterns of behavior held in all areas, I think. Eating and drinking were mostly controlled by what a young lady shouldn't eat and how much she shouldn't drink. And, of course, sexual urges were controlled by the simple thought that we should not even think about the topic, let alone follow down the pathways that such thoughts would lead to. As my body began to change and develop, I was startled and confused about what was happening. Thoughts began to enter my mind that bewildered and aroused me. I had a lot of physical vitality that often manifested itself as sexual energy. Something happened that changed things for me. My friend, Eve, who was raised the same way as I, told me that she had found great pleasure by lying on her stomach with a pillow between her legs and humping the pillow until feeling satisfaction. She had no words for what she was experiencing and absolutely no idea what the satisfaction had to do with, she just knew it felt good. Another thing Eve discovered was that she could get the same satisfaction by lying on her back in a bathtub and allowing the water from the spout to run directly over her private parts. She told me the effect was indescribable. The experiences she talked about seemed like good ideas for me. As a result, I tried her tricks and found incredible satisfaction, even though I had no concept of what I was doing. A couple years later Eve introduced me to vibrators. And they were good too! What happened to me was that Eve gave me the gift of permission for me to sexually explore myself. I was discovering my own body and learning how to manage my sexuality. As a result, I found that I could dissipate the enormous energy that had been frustrating me and thus could safely remain the inexperienced "little girl" my mommy wanted me to be. I was a virgin with my first husband only because I had discovered how my body works and how to make it work better.

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Chapter 18: Learn to Manage Your Sexual Energy

Following marriage I made one other wonderful discovery about the journey of self-knowledge and self-gratification that I had been on. If a woman knows how her body works, it is easy for a man to learn it, as well. On the other hand, if you don't know how to give yourself pleasure, any guy will have a hard time leading you to it. Orgasms are never an issue for a woman equipped with the self-knowledge I'm talking about. Given the right environment with almost any man, a healthy and self-aware woman can come every time. Since the woman can be responsible for her own satisfaction she can let the guy manage the process at whatever level she chooses. With this kind of control, the woman can make any lover feel that he is a tiger. This is a magnificent gift for a woman to be able to give to a man. I'm single again. I enjoy the dating scene, especially because I'm in control of myself and my passions. I enjoy a kiss and a hug, but I don't have to have sex with the guys I go on dates with, not with the shower head waiting for me at home. I'm young and have a healthy appetite for life. I'm still on the path of self-discovery and pleasure that Eve put my feet on so many years ago. In fact, the more I learn about myself the more fun life gets. Also, "toys" are now available, of course, that go far beyond the simple vibrators of my youth. One product, for example, is a cute little bunny that smart technicians have engineered in such a fashion as to give an entirely new meaning to the words "keeps on going and going."

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And the other thing about this is that such self-gratification frees me to concentrate upon other things that are more important. It takes the edge off the need for boys to give us what we can give to ourselves. So hats off to Eve for giving me my start on my journey of self-discovery, and hats off to my toy drawer!

Things to Think About: 1. Masturbation is not something to be ashamed of. 2. Self-discovery is a healthy and natural way to have "safe sex"! 3. The more you learn, the better you get.

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Part III Health Top Five Things to Think About :

1. Every woman should see a doctor for a complete physical once a year. 2. Too much alcohol directly affects your decision-making abilities. 3. Not knowing when to quit drinking can lead to a lot of regret. 4. Tracking your menstrual cycle dates month-to-month can give you piece of mind and help you schedule life events. 5. Don't ever think "It won't happen to me" because you'll be sorry when that day comes.

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19 Nicole

Guard Your Alcohol Consumption

One of the mistakes that we've decided to quit making is to get hammered by alcohol to the point of no return! We wake up the next morning with puke in our hair and with our clothes on the floor. Where did this vomit come from? Is it mine? How did my clothes get on the floor? And the worst question of all, who is this bum lying next to me? If I get drunk with a girlfriend, just the two of us, in a private residence, it's usually harmless — as long as neither of us has to drive home afterwards. However, getting plastered in a strange environment full of strange men is worse than stupid. It is dangerous! It is crazy! If I go to a party and wake up in some man's bed, I've got to be thinking, who is this? What if he had been a psycho killer? Or, almost as bad, What if the guy has HIV, syphilis, or some other sexually transmitted disease? It scares the hell out of me! And all of us are aware of the problem. When my friends and I talk we always regret the experience. The dumbest thing about this is that such behavior isn't any fun. And of course the booze sometimes makes them sick to their stomach

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with truly disgusting results. On more than one occasion I've kneeled beside one of my friends on the floor of a toilet stall holding her hair back as she stuck her head into a place that was certainly not designed for her face. Another awful result from the misuse of alcohol, even before the point of memory loss, is that it weakens my will and constrains my thinking abilities to the point that a boy is able to talk me into performing some act or other that I would never have engaged in if my mind had remained in a sound condition and my reasoning had not been impaired. Alcohol obviously affects our social skills as much as it does our driving abilities. When we're under the influence we can have social "accidents" with guys that are as awful as an accident we might have in a car. I went to an LA-area frat party for a weekend and I got plastered. I met Adam for the first time in one of the large community bathrooms. He was cute and I found out he was on the football team. He hung by my side the whole night. At first I was playing the situation off and resisting his attention. He kept following me however, we eventually ended up talking. "Want to go back to my place?" he asked. Of course the answer would have been "No" – and would have been if my decision-making process hadn't been so impaired by alcohol. As much as I hate to admit it, we had sex on our first night. We tried to have a relationship for a while but it was doomed by that terrible beginning. Perhaps we could have been friends or dated until he was crazy in love with me. Perhaps nothing would have happened, but it was all ruined from the beginning. I've made up my mind that if I drink at a party from now on, I'll hold myself to a limit so that I never have another "social accident" with some other Adam. I'm going to keep reminding myself that the "extra" drink becomes the point at which my reasoning begins to get seriously impaired. If I weaken and take that extra drink, then turning down the next one becomes much more difficult because I'm no longer making wise decisions. After that I'm starting to get wasted and may continue drinking until I completely lose all control of my actions.

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Linda is a good example for us, because she knows when she's had enough. She says that her body sends signals that she listens to. More than that, she has established drinking rules for herself. For example, she says that she recently went to Cabo with a girlfriend. When they went out drinking they made their first drink last for an hour, followed by a second hour spent sipping water. Then they sipped a second drink for the third hour. Linda says she and her friend kept dancing and being physically active, plus they ate a good dinner, so they never got drunk. And they had a lot of fun that they can look back on with fond memories, because she can actually remember it.

I'm going to follow Linda's example when it comes to drinking. I'm learning to monitor and control my alcohol consumption. It is obviously more fun to be able to remember the party the night before than to wake up in some Adam's bed with no idea of what happened or what I did. We talk about "getting wasted" and now I know why they call it that. I wasted a year in regret after that "one night stand"!

Things to Think About: 1. Not knowing when to quit drinking can lead to a lot of regret. 2. Too much alcohol directly affects your decision-making abilities.

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20 Linda

Know Your Body

Someone said that the seven dwarfs of a woman's menstrual cycle are named Itchy, Bitchy, Sweaty, Sleepy, Bloated, Forgetful, and Psycho. I know I have a few of these guys dancing around on my psyche fairly regularly each month. I track my monthly periods and have come to be able to understand my body, hormones, and the mood swings that can occur. The date I start my period is Day 1. Then I count the days until ovulation, days 11 through 19, which are the days when I am fertile and most likely to become pregnant. I recognize and prepare for the changes taking place in my body during those days. I can feel the cramps coming and know that it is simply a case of situation normal. I also check my underwear during those days since during ovulation I release more fluids through my vagina than any other time. My gynecologist trained me to expect that discharge at this time will become stickier and thicker. When I see those changes then by paying specific attention I can feel a cramp in

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either my lower right or lower left pelvic area at the moment that I release the egg. By tracking the monthly calendar day-by-day I can feel the moment this takes place. All this talk about discharge and fluids seems distasteful, but these things actually mark a wonderful process taking place in my body, since the fluids were designed to create a travel wall — a moist protective channel through which sperm could swim to the egg. Each month creates an intimate little riverbank to keep the sperm safe as they swim like tiny salmon upstream towards the egg headed for my uterus. So this is actually the stuff of a monthly miracle and we shouldn't let this knowledge belong only to the doctors and textbook writers. Releasing the egg marks the beginning of my period. For me the week before that is an uneasy, agitated, and moody time of the month — when the seven dwarves come out and begin taking control of me. My awareness of the ebb and flow of moods during ovulation and PMS prepares me to understand things that are happening in my mind and attitude. It has become really important for me to learn how my body works during these monthly rhythms in order to manage stresses. If I'm having big problems I just look at my journal to see what time of the month it is for me. Also, the knowledge helps me predict days when, for example, I shouldn't plan vacations. Like many women, I go into crazy mode and can easily overreact to information or data that at other times of the month would have been no problem. So if I know that it is a week before my period and I find myself feeling out of control because Adam hasn't called, I can dismiss my emotions as being mostly hormonal. I sometimes warn my son "I'm a week before, Luke. Be careful around me for a few days." My son says that I'm different during this time of the month, but I interpret his comments to mean that I'm merely a little more sensitive at that time. I'm not as calm. I'm more short, curt, and impatient. For example, if I was in line at the grocery store and someone was holding up the line by talking socially with the check-out person, at that time of the month I would say something rude and impatient. Actually, I might say something at other times, as well, but I would be nicer. I just have a lot less patience during PMS.

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It occurred to me one day that we women have it bad! We have pre-menstrual syndrome. This is followed by menstrual syndrome, with all the cramps, fatigue, blood loss, and headaches that goes along with that. Now they are talking about post-menstrual syndrome. Sometimes I feel that I'm actually good for about one day a month. Things are actually much better than that. I feel at my best from day five to day nineteen. During these two weeks I'm not being inflicted by pain, bleeding, depression, mood swings, cramps, headaches, insomnia, and nightmares. And then, a few days before my period, they hit me again. I'm no longer alarmed about their return, as though something awful were happening, because I've learned to expect it. I've been charting my monthly cycles for years. Knowledge about where I am in my hormonal cycle enables me to discount the dark moods that make me frustrated and wanting to scream "What's wrong with me?" into the mirror and also can help me avoid screaming "What's wrong with you?" into the face of people I love, and who deserve better from me than what I sometimes feel like giving them because of what's going on with me biologically.

Wise people know that knowledge is power, and knowledge about how our bodies work, and seemingly fail to work on some occasions, can be a source of power for us in managing relationships of all kinds — especially romantic ones. Because I know my body I can find power for daily living.

Things to Think About: 1. If you are thinking you are crazy, you might just be hormonal. 2. Tracking your menstrual cycle dates month-to-month can give you piece of mind and help you schedule life events.

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21 Linda

Take Care of Yourself

I've always paid attention to myself and have maintained a good relationship with a gynecologist who I could feel open with. I've had regular exams to assess my general wellbeing and especially to check my breasts and to monitor my vaginal health. Paying this kind of attention to our bodies is more important than most girls realize. For example, everybody knows about HIV, syphilis, chlamydia, and gonorrhea. But we also know that women keep getting these things — in almost every case because of a foolish "This will never happen to me" attitude. There is especially a surprising lack of awareness of HPV (Human Papillomavirus), which is usually invisible to the infected person because there are over 200 strands of this virus. In some cases, the infection occurs with visible genital warts, but in most cases the carrier doesn't even know they have it. HPV is now the most prevalent and rapidly spreading sexually transmitted disease in the country1. It can be passed from one person to another by nothing more than physical contact of the genital areas. In other words, I don't have to

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have sex to contract HPV from some guy who might not even know that he has the disease. My gynecologist told me that in some areas 9 out of 10 teens are contracting HPV. It is the largest untalked-about disease. HPV, like an unwanted pregnancy, is of much more concern to us women than it is to men. It has little effect on the guys, except for the warts, but in women HPV can lead to cervical cancer and death. Worst of all, even though the condition can be treated, it can't be cured. My girlfriend had such a bad case of HPV that she had to have a her cells frozen, or a procedure they call "cryo" for the pre-cancerous condition that the disease had created. She says that the infection dates back to her college days, even though she's been monogamous for the past 20 years. With HPV going around I would be an idiot not to practice safe sex. But many of us women seem to be behaving in a mentally challenged way when it comes to this important issue. In my neighborhood, we have had three high school pregnancies in the past few months. All three young girls have given their babies to their parents to raise. None of them, apparently, had a clue about how to protect themselves against disease and unwanted pregnancies. Everyone thinks it won't happen to them, apparently, despite the evidence we see all around us. An acquaintance of mine had a daughter out of wedlock when she was only 15 years old. Fifteen years later her daughter did the same thing. The poor mom was distraught! She couldn't believe it had happened! For some reason she had been unable to pass along to her daughter the lessons that she had learned the hard way herself.

1. Department of Health & Human Services, Centers for Disease Control and Prevention states that "Approximately 20 million people are currently infected with HPV. At least 50% of sexually active men and women acquire genital HPV infection at some point in their lives. By age 50, at least 80 % of women will have acquired genital HPV infection. About 6.2 million Americans get a new genital HPV infection each year."

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Chapter 21: Take Care of Yourself

Many of us are living in denial when it comes to men and sex. A patient once came into my dad's office quite pregnant. "I see you're pregnant," my dad said. "Yes, but I'll tell you one thing," the woman said loudly. "This ain't my baby!" That's a ridiculous level of denial, but it is not different in kind from the sort of denial that many of us are practicing. Having unprotected sex is like playing "Baby Roulette" or even "Venereal Roulette." Maybe most of those chambers are empty, but if I pull that trigger enough times that thing will go off someday. The grim fact is that if I ever have sex with a guy, then I'm getting into bed with everyone he's had sex with for the past 20 years. Who knows the state of the health of all those people? Maybe the guy can't even remember them all. He might feel perfectly healthy but be carrying around something that's going to kill him within the next six months — and will kill me five years from now if I let him pass it on to me. So I'm never going to wait until I get to the point of sex with a guy to come to an agreement with him about what's going to happen. I can't wait until he and I are all hot and bothered to say to him, "I'm not going to have unprotected sex with you." Sexual health is a precedent for sexual activity. I've always been super careful with guys. If I'm beginning to have feelings for a man I tell him, "Show me your papers, I'll show you mine." He has to go down to the local medical center and get his blood work done before I'm going to do anything with him, of course I do the same. My demand is actually a pretty effective way to filter out someone who just wants to get into my pants, because if a guy won't honor that request it will be a sign of a shallow regard on his part for me. The best protection against pregnancy and venereal disease, of course, is to avoid having intercourse. My dad had a unique birth control method he taught to his Appalachian patients. "You can keep from having kids using only an aspirin. If you don't want to have children, when you're with your guy put an aspirin between your knees and keep it there." It would have been an effective method if anyone had tried it. And my dad was an optometrist, not a gynecologist!

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I don't need an aspirin between my knees; I just need enough common sense to know that my body is a sanctuary that I have to maintain in a clean fashion. It's the only body I'm going to get on this earth so I better be careful with it. Careless, random, unprotected sex really is a defilement of this miraculous vessel that God has given me. The next best way to avoid sexually transmitted disease is to use a condom. In one episode of Sex in the City the character Carrie dumped her purse on a crowded New York corner. A passerby stopped to help her pick the stuff up and saw that the contents included five condoms. Carrie looked ridiculous but she wasn't stupid. If I was going to have random sex then I would keep some condoms in my purse just in case the guy didn't have any in his wallet. Eve told me that I didn't need to worry about her. She is keeping herself safe because she only practices oral sex. But the fact is that my gynecologist told me that if I have only a minor cut or sore, then oral sex is not safe sex either. Avoiding venereal disease isn't the only way I take care of my body. Another thing I do is to check my breasts regularly. Every minute of every day someplace in the United States more than two women are diagnosed with breast cancer. My best friend died of breast cancer so I undergo routine physicals in order to give doctors the best chance possible of making an early diagnosis if cancer strikes me. The trick for me is to find a balance in my life that will enable me to care for mind, body, spirit, and soul. If I am not a healthy and whole individual, I will never be really good for myself or for anyone else. And so, the most important issue for me is not how I can get a boyfriend, but how I can become the best person that I can be. That's a happy purpose to work for as well as a wonderful goal to achieve.

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I am always conscious of the fact that my health is my most important asset. It is more important than my looks and my intelligence. I can practice safe sex, eat healthy, get plenty of exercise and sleep, avoid drugs and tobacco, and moderate my consumption of alcohol as a total campaign for health.

Things to Think About: 1. Every woman should see a doctor for a complete physical once a year. 2. Even condoms won't protect you from all forms of sexually transmitted diseases. 3. Don't ever think, "It won't happen to me" because you'll be sorry when that day comes.

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Part IV Marriage Top Five Things to Think About:

1. Chastity is actually really COOL. 2. If you have any doubts, don't say "I do." 3. Your early single years are "to be all you can be," because you'll never get those years back once you are married. 4. Make lovemaking a #1 priority in your marriage. 5. Having sex with a man too soon will send the wrong messages about your availability, standards, and expectations.

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22 Nicole

Think Before You Say "I Do"

When I was in elementary school we practiced fire safety drills with a technique summarized as "Stop, Drop, and Roll." This was obviously a way for us to avoid danger, and roll away from a fire to freedom. This is also a good practice for people hearing wedding bells, I think. Before I ever say, "I do," I'm going to stop, drop, and roll. I want to spend as much time preparing myself to be the best woman I can be before I marry, so I can be a successful and happy marriage partner later on. The basis of marriage has to be love expressed in commitment that goes beyond feelings. I have to decide for myself and with my fiancé, before I go down any aisle that we're marrying out of a sincere and mutual desire to stay together long term. Not for lust, convenience, or infatuation. Otherwise, I know that in a few years I probably will be facing a terrible divorce. Too many of us compromise our dreams. We often settle for Mr. Good Enough, slide into a period of disillusionment and regretting, and then get divorced. That's crazy behavior! It would be so much better to stay single! After all, what's the hurry? My friend, who is 20, is giving up her lifelong dream (since age 4) of being a medical

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doctor in order to marry someone she's fallen in lust with. It's sad to see her give up her dream! I predict that she'll be angry and regretful about the decision for the rest of her life. Linda got married when she was 19. She was young and insecure, and married a guy who turned out to be a maniac. She says it was like a practice marriage. But those things are difficult for a woman. Linda admits that she paid too much for the lessons she learned. She was tempted to run away on her wedding day like the "Runaway Bride" and sure wishes now that she had done so. It would have been embarrassing, but the embarrassment would have passed. On some level the pain of that young and stupid decision will be with her forever. My friend told his daughter while she was standing at the back of the church in her wedding gown that she should walk away. "Come on, Eve," he said. "You don't have to do this. Let's just walk out of here. I'll buy you a Big Mac." Eve didn't agree to run away, but later came to bitterly regret that she had passed up a trip to McDonald's that day. Some of us are tempted to leap to the altar because we're afraid that if we pass it up now it's never going to happen. However, if a guy won't stick with me now for a few years then being married isn't going to force him to be a more faithful person over the long haul. If he tells me "now or never" it will be an easy choice in response to a demanding ultimatum. The fact is that marriage should be a serious decision. I'm a different and much deeper person now than I was a year ago. I have a better sense of who I am. It's important that I develop maturity before I get married. Otherwise, I'll change, and this young boy I have married will change, as well — and then each of us will discover that we're living with a stranger. I have to become the right person myself and then find the right man as my life partner. I must learn who I am, learn who he is, then learn who the two of us are together. Julia Roberts in the Runaway Bride movie kept fleeing the wedding altar because she kept realizing that she had never defined who she really was outside of relationships with the guys who came into her life.

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She was wise enough to keep running away until she found herself. Only then could she be in a relationship that really fulfilled her deepest needs. When it comes to marriage I don't believe in fate. Linda thought her second husband was coming to her as God's gift so she was willing to overlook the warning signs and believed that fate would finally outweigh the problems of his alcoholism. She was so wrong! Marriage is neither for the fainthearted nor for the unprepared. We women are fairytale people because of the stories that we've been told from the beginning. We all want the "Pretty Woman" outcome — some dashing, rich knight of a guy to come riding up in his limousine and sweep us away to a happily-ever-after life of love and riches. The problem with the fairy tales is that each of them ends right at the point where married life begins. In other words, in the real world the "happily ever after" part is where the challenges actually start. For example, the "wicked stepmother" turns out to be your dysfunctional mother-in-law or your husband's secretary vying for your husband's affections, or the bills that need to be paid, or the house that needs to be cleaned. I could go on and on but it's the realities of life that make marriage hard. We have to make sure that we get married for the right reasons and not the fairy tale stories. All of us single women need to get over the fact that we're more scared to be alone than to be in a bad relationship. We're especially afraid to be alone on Friday night or on Valentine's Day. But that's just because we're buying into a social myth that our culture is handing us. It's a "grass-is-always-greener" concept. My married friends envy my freedom. Why should I envy their marriage? Why shouldn't I be happy with what I've got? Happiness is a choice. It's just smart! If I'm not good for myself I can't be good for any guy. I'm never going to get married unless I love the guy completely. When Christopher Reeves fell off his horse his wife, Dana, stayed by his side. She sacrificed her life for him. Their lives were so deeply bound up in each other that she served him with undying love. If I ever marry I'm going to be like her. I'll stand by my man no matter what happens. At least that's the ideal and if I'm ever in a relationship that is too far from that, I'm going to stop, drop, and roll away from any altar.

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Marriage isn't for everyone. Maybe it isn't for me. People get the idea that a single person isn't a complete human being. "Old maids" are especially regarded as unhappy unfulfilled people. But it's a lie that says that I have to find someone to make my life complete. The reality is that I'll never be complete if I'm looking for someone to complete me. Nobody's going to do that. I have to be happy within myself before I can be happy with anyone else. My friend, Eve, has had a succession of boys in her life. She doesn't have many girl friends. She's lost if she's on her own. That's not healthy. And she's not happy. And I'm having a lot more fun as a single than most of the married people around me are having. I am doing things for myself to learn more about me. I love going to yoga, to the beach and to the movies by myself. I am alone, but not lonely. I have good friends I love hanging out with. I don't need a man to make me feel whole.

"Most marriages fail," someone said, "because of failures marrying." I'm going to spend my 20s getting my education, traveling, working on my dancing techniques, and just generally checking off the things on my "before I marry" checklist. I'm going to continue in a deliberate fashion to learn and to grow. Then by the time I'm older I can look back on all the fun things I did. At that point I'll be ready to get married and I'll be prepared to be the best wife and mother I can be. Or not. I could happily live as a single for the rest of my life. When I'm 40 maybe I'll pick up 79 year-old Linda and we'll go on a cruise. Have fun. Wink at boys. It will be so great!

Things to Think About: 1. If you have any doubts, don't say "I do." 2. Your early single years are "to be all you can be," because you'll never get those years back once you are married.

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When Married, Maximize Your Sexual Advantages Especially when you are young it is difficult to think about your parents having sex. There are three of us kids in our family, and for a long time it was most comforting to imagine that our folks only had sex three times during the entire course of their marriage — and even those encounters were probably accidental and brief. Trying to imagine them acting sexy or engaging in any kind of foreplay or sexual activity could cause flashes of disgust to shoot through our heads. Of course, people have probably been enjoying sex ever since the first couple, Adam and Eve, discovered the anatomical features that made them different from each other. But we don't like to think of the generation before ours — or the one after ours, for that matter — doing the things we did. But I've had to admit that, as lady-like and reserved as my mother always was in public, I guess she was a hot momma when the bedroom door was locked. When my folks had been married for almost three decades, my dad was still a good-looking, charming, and witty man who could turn the heads of women in a room.

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I remember at a big party one day, a woman asked my mother, "Eve, how have you kept a good-looking guy like Adam happy all these years?" Ours was a small-enough town that everyone knew whatever kinds of Desperate Housewives things were going on, no scandal had touched those two. My mom looked the questioner right in the eye and said, "It's quite simple. All the years we have been married, I never once told Adam I wouldn't have sex. No headaches. No excuses. I always made sure that man was happy." My mom was a wise woman who had discovered a secret that eludes many married women. And it is a secret that can make the difference between a healthy union of a man and a woman on one hand, and a broken home on the other. I think the worst mistake women make – and almost all of us make it – is to be too hot when we are single and too cold when we are not. A wise woman once made the piercing observation "Single people want to have sex and married people don't." The fact is that after the honeymoon the woman commonly begins to lose interest in sex and focuses upon other things in her life but in most cases her guy is thinking about sex all the time. Someone said that a normal man thinks of sex once every hour. Some guy friends of mine claim that to be a conservative estimate. Maybe the couple is having sex only a couple times a week, but the guy is thinking about the subject morning, noon, and night. An unforgettable scene in Woody Allen's movie, Manhattan, shows a split screen of the two stars each talking to his/her therapist. In both frames the two counselors ask each the same question, "How often do you have sex?" "Oh we have it all the time," the woman answered. "Probably 3-4 times a week." "We never have sex any more," the man answered. "Probably only 3-4 times a week."

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A lot of sex to a man would be every day, at least; to a woman it might be a couple of times a week. The discrepancy between what a man typically wants and what a woman is typically willing to give is the basis for a constant friction in most marriages. An American urban legend says that when Neil Armstrong had become the first man to walk on the moon, the other members of the team heard him say as he was re-entering the Lunar Lander, "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky!" According to the story, the comment went back to an incident in Armstrong's childhood when he overheard his neighbors, Mr. & Mrs. Gorsky, arguing in their bedroom. "You want oral sex?" the woman shouted at her husband. "You want oral sex?" I'll give you oral sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!" There are a lot of couples like the Gorskys. He's full of imaginations, fantasies, and unfulfilled yearnings, while she is full of a sense of worries about running a house, career, and children. Mr. Gorsky can always resort to pornography, of course – and find thousands of women willing to do in his mind the wonderful things that Mrs. Gorsky isn't about to do for him in his bed. Even worse, there are thousands of women who for a hundred bucks will make the dreams come true of all the Mr. Gorskys in this world. Worst of all, perhaps, a young little blond-haired woman from the secretarial pool where Mr. Gorsky works has been having some imaginations of her own about what it would be like to have unbounded sex with an older man. Once married, you should always be flirtatious with your man. Go way beyond flirting, however. Find out what he fantasizes about and then make his dreams come true. Take good care of yourself. Wear red! Go to bed with the goal that you're going to blow his brains out with your sex. Learn what games he likes to play. Find out what pleases him most! Wear sexy lingerie. Don't be manipulative about this. Give everything you have to him just because you love him. Because he's your guy. Pull out all the stops. Why not do for love what a prostitute would do for a hundred dollars?

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Buy some books. Learn the secrets that the hookers know. Spend an hour making your man happy doing something you don't particularly like yourself rather than spending decades as a single-again woman trying to figure out what you did wrong. Explore his body. Blow in his ear. Kiss him deep. Let him feel loved from head to toe. Learn how to seduce him. Give him a massage. Here are ten simple principles for keeping your man happy: 1. Don't send him to the penalty box for wrongdoing by taking away his sex; take away his remote. 2. Never say "No," unless you really can't for some reason — like approaching death. 3. Be willing to be creative and open with his ideas and requests. 4. Remember that men like women to initiate. 5. A hand and a tongue go a long way. 6. Surprise him occasionally with a new look, or lingerie. 7. Let him play out fantasies as if you were someone else. Dress up like a nurse; put a raincoat on over your naked body. 8. Make water your friend — showers, bubble baths, hot tubs…. 9. Remember that a blowjob can raise a dead man. 10. Use your voice. Moan. Talk dirty. Tell him what you like and don't like. Make him feel sexually empowered.

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The ultimate principle here is to make sex a positive activity that draws your man close to you and keeps him happy and satisfied within the sphere of your relationship. This can be the best thing for you and your marriage. I understand how hard it is to lose that half-hour of sleep. I've been there. But that half-hour of sex might have a great return on investment in your marriage. Also, you might be surprised at how much happier and fresher you wake up after that sex than you would have after any amount of sleep. Who says marriage can't be fun?

Things to Think About: 1. Make lovemaking a #1 priority in your marriage. 2. In your marriage, be sexually creative to keep things fresh and new!

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Chastity Is More Than Sonny and Cher's Daughter Nicole says that she sometimes thinks that she's never going to get married. "Everybody is having sex with everybody else," she says. "Everything is too screwed up to think about getting married. No relationship could ever last; nobody can ever remain that committed." Things were a lot different between girls and boys when I got into the dating scene almost three decades ago. The 60s revolution had filtered down to us, of course. Some of the boys were trying to get from us the same thing that they are trying to get from us today. And some of the girls were giving them just what they wanted. But when I was young a lot of my peers were still virgins. And even some of those who had lost their virginity often tried to pretend a purity that they no longer possessed. Before the sexual revolution most of our parents shared the attitude of purity. They supported chastity, which regarded sex as a marriage act, to be performed only by two people who are wedded to each other. Every other form of sex was considered illicit.

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The underlying consensus was that good people would go through life with only as many sex partners as they had marriage partners. It was an ideal that a lot of those couples actually attained to. Our parents believed that if any man — even your fiancé — got you into bed before you got into marriage you really had lost something valuable. And they really did associate virginity with purity. If you made it to the marriage altar with your hymen intact, you had accomplished something that society in our parent's day considered to be a wonderful, even glittering, triumph. The 60s changed everything. A decade later some of my peers became members of the "if it feels good, do it" generation and began exercising their newfound sexual freedom by hopping into and out of each other's beds. Now some of the children and even grandchildren of those liberated people are engaging in sexual behaviors with the attitude that virginity is a useless childhood remnant to be discarded. Any 40 Year Old Virgin, if there were such a thing, would become an object of pity, ridicule, and contempt. Some public schools have reduced sex education to the level of plumbing by deliberately squeezing out of the curriculum anything having to do with values. "Welcome to Seventh Grade; here's how to use a condom" sends a message to those seventh graders that, of course, many are glad to hear and to practice as frequently as they can. Birth control pills, morning-after pills, IUDs, condoms, and abortions-on-whim all serve to reduce sex to a level equivalent to taking a ride in an amusement park. So it's no wonder that a lot of young people, like Nicole, consider marriage to be bogus. Two people hook up. They have sex. Then they learn things about each other like the other's last name. They mistakenly consider their raging lust to be love and get married for insufficient reasons having to do with issues of security. After a while they begin to regard their wedding vows as confining and limiting. Married life starts to feel like a date where the other person never goes home. Before long the flames of passion have died down.

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Then the husband goes on a business trip leaving his wife to wonder what kinds of temptations he might be facing while not at her side. She knows in her heart that the guy will be absolutely defenseless if some chick with a pretty smile dangles her charms in front of him because, after all, it was the way she got him into bed on their first night herself. For his part, the husband often becomes possessive and domineering with his wife. He knows that if she is given the opportunity to have a sexual escapade with some smooth-talking man, nothing on earth will prevent her from just jumping into the guy's arms. Because after all, smooth talking was the way he got her to jump into his arms on their first night himself. His raging and well-founded insecurities lead him to such dumb measures as trying to instill fear in the poor woman by saying that he will "kill her" if he ever catches her doing that, which only makes her feel even less happy about being married. With that kind of rocky foundation the two will typically break up after a few years. Any kids who are born into such a situation are reared in chaotic environments. Before they reach their teen years such children might have been raised by a dozen different combinations of parents, step-parents, grandparents, significant-others, and legal guardians. A teacher once told me that 40 years ago she would lead her fifth graders in creating a family tree by asking the question, "Who are the members of your family?" The question became increasingly more meaningless for successive generations of students until she finally replaced it with the question, "What are the names of the people who slept at your house last night?" A light bulb went on as I considered these things. The supposed "freedom" that the revolution had given people by throwing off social restraints concerning sex had actually led many of them into a state of bondage to their passions. All this free sex has become like a terrible cancer, introducing chaos and confusion into intimate and family relationships. Nicole is right not to trust the situation.

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So free sex has had the effect of eroding strong marriages and stable family units. And it becomes increasingly clearer to me that living a chaste life and avoiding sex with everyone I'm not married to would actually provide an advantage to my immediate society, while greatly increasing my own self-esteem.

Most of us probably aren't going to remain true to this "Leave It to Beaver" kind of moral standard, but within the loosened bounds of modern society we can, nevertheless, strive to recreate the quality of the commitment to marriage and family that our parents experienced. We're going to re-establish the sense of trust and respect within marriage. We'll put the love back into lovemaking.

Things to Think About: 1. Having sex with a man too soon will send the wrong messages about your availability, standards, and expectations. 2. Chastity can put the "relationship timeline" in YOUR control. 3. Chastity is actually really COOL.

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Part V Life Top Five Things to Think About:

1. If someone hurts or abuses you... speak out. 2. In your first month of dating a new guy, don't be available two nights in a row. 3. Accept the fact that girls aren't easy to break up with, so boys have to do it in the easiest way they can. 4. A smile is more beautiful to a man than you can imagine — far more beautiful than your "perfect image.” 5. Flirting does not have to be sexual.

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Don't Take It Personally — They Can't Help Themselves

Danielle

All of us have a difficult time coping with guys who have no problem dumping us. The Sex In the City character, Carrie Bradshaw, once got dumped with a post-it note. I could sympathize with her because I was once dumped with a text message. I've had it even worse than that because I got the breakup message on Valentine's Day. In fact, as unbelievable as it seems, that happened to me two years in a row with two different guys. Nicole once got dumped when she was in the eighth grade by a young punk who did it in an email. She didn't read the message before she went to school that day. When she ran into her former "boyfriend" she was all happy and friendly. After giving him a big hug he said, "Go read your email." It wasn't until later that night that she realized he had "broken up with her." When that kind of thing happens, our girlfriends say things like, "Don't take it personal. It isn't you, it's him."

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However, we are all offended by such apparently thoughtless behaviors. But I've come to realize that when a guy does this he's just saying, "I don't want to date you any more" in the easiest way he knows how. I've got to give him credit because he believes he isn't able to provide a meaningful explanation for something that seems so confusing to him, and so he's simply operating within his limitations. He doesn't want to come right out and say, "I don't like you any more. I don't want you." That seems cruel even to him. He doesn't want to be mean so he sends a text message, or uses a post-it note, or simply doesn't answer the phone when I call. We just don't understand that behavior. I want my boyfriend to love me and I especially want him to explain why he doesn't want me anymore. And, furthermore, I want the gory details. "Was it something I said? Did I show that I cared too much? Or not enough?" I want to have a serious discussion about the matter — face-to-face and more personal than a text message. And the guy knows that. And he knows that he's never going to be able to explain anything beyond the simple "I don't care about you the same way anymore." So it isn't rudeness on his part that makes him act the way he does, it's a simple acknowledgement of his reality. That's just so abnormal to our way of thinking! Sometimes we take things personally when it just turns out to be a lack of communication. I see that my boyfriend is upset about something and think that he's getting torn up by some part of our relationship, and its causing me anguish when he might just be thinking about his next video game match. And, of course, he can't tell me that when I begin crying and begging him to explain what's wrong with our relationship. So when guys do these absolutely baffling things like breaking up with us with a text message or with no communication at all — or when they say revolting things or behave in ways that make no sense — I'm just going to realize that in many cases they're doing the best they can.

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We wish boys would be nicer and communicate better, but I've come to believe that they can't help the way they act. I'm going to learn to be okay with the fact that they simply speak a different language than we can understand. Maybe when I'm older and hanging out with older guys, the situation will be better. Do boys ever learn? Funny enough, Linda and Nicole still have the same question.

Things to Think About: 1. Accept the fact that girls aren't easy to break up with, so boys have to do it in the easiest way they can. 2. Don't take a breakup as rejection; it's probably not about you at all. 3. When a guy breaks up with you and doesn't give you an explanation, he's trying not to hurt your feelings.

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Keep Your Life; Keep Your Boyfriend

Nicole

A mistake we make is sometimes to drown in our boyfriends. My friend, Eve, is awful at this. She gets into a relationship and drops right off the face of the earth. She doesn't have time to grab a coffee with her friends. Then she gets dumped or else leaves the creep and comes crawling back to us with tears streaking down her face. She expects us to receive her with open arms as though she hadn't spent a month pretending that we didn't exist. I don't want to get lost in any boy's life to the extent that I completely neglect my own life. I'm not going to be available all the time. I need to keep my relationships with my own friends. I'm going to reserve 50 percent of my spare time for friends and family. I'll spend Friday with the guy or Saturday. But not both. If I don't keep some space between our dates, it becomes compulsive. We can't let the men set the pace in a relationship because they will often try to bite off more than they can chew. They start out hot and furious and we become responders. Then the guy has second thoughts. "We're going way "too" fast, he says.”

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Also, the fact is that if I'm available 24/7 to any boyfriend, I finally become not important. I go from interesting to mundane. The passion flames out. Adam starts thinking, "Will she ever go home?" He suddenly starts believing that I'm clingy and needy; I'm old news. It's a dysfunctional situation because the guy ends up retreating into his cave, hoping there's no entrance at the other side. I start scratching at the cave door and then I finally walk away with my spirit crushed thinking, "I don't know what happened. We were doing so good." In the beginning when it's all hot, he might ask "What are you doing tomorrow night?" After several date nights in a row the guy suddenly figures out that "he needs some space" and I'll be crushed by his behavior. Never mind the fact that I only kept coming over because the guy kept asking me. That won't count in his book. We've got to change our behaviors and become a little hard to get rather than hard to get away from. The secret is to maintain a balance. No matter how much I adore Adam, my friends and family will remain as important elements in my life. When Adam lives up to his name and moves on, I'm OK because I still have intact the people in my core group who provide the resources, comfort, and encouragement that I need. Another benefit from this behavior is to see if Adam accepts my part-time commitment to him. As soon as he begins to show jealousy about my friends or starts trying to control the time I spend away from him, then red lights begin flashing. Maintaining balance has to be a deliberate act on my part. It is not an easy choice. Maintaining a healthy balance demands that I not spend as much time with my guy as I want to sometimes. I have to go out with my friends even if I would rather be with him. I end up playing cuddle buddy with my dog when I wish I could be cuddling with him. But that's OK.

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I'm not going to let any guy run the whole show early in a relationship. We women have to maintain space otherwise we burn them out. Two popular books — "The Rules" and "He's Not That Into You" — talk about the importance of not being too available. However, this does not have to be a tactic you play in a game. It can simply be the standards of balance you have created and maintained in your life.

Things to Think About: 1. In your first month of dating a new guy don't be available two nights in a row. 2. Make "date nights" with your girlfriends.

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Accept Yourself as Beautiful

I came to a wonderful insight recently that I missed all my life and that, I believe, many women never figure out. I learned through a sudden epiphany that real men simply like women. A lot of them — the real ones, in my opinion — just like us as a group. They more or less like all of us. The insight came to me through something that happened with a guy that I'd been dating. He's a good friend. And he's a real man — a professional police officer. I had recently taken a trip into the Wine Country with five girlfriends. I took a lot of pictures that covered every part of the day. The first pictures were in the early morning when we were all smiling into the camera with fresh-faced happiness. We did the wine tasting thing in a lot of different wineries that day, and maybe we did too much sipping. For whatever reason, the final pictures show a group of women who had obviously been having a somewhat excessive amount of fun. In fact, the final picture showed only five of us. Eve drank so much wine in the first winery that she spent the rest of the trip trying to recover from getting sick.

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It was while I was showing the series of pictures to my guy friend that the great revelation occurred. And it happened because he kept asking, with evident interest, questions like, "Which woman is this?" "Who is that?" As I watched him look at the pictures I realized that each of the women was beautiful to him. He could have happily dated all of us. A week later he was still talking to me about them. I thought he would think I was the fairest of them all. But as far as he was concerned, we were all intriguing and lovely. Full figured, borderline anorexic, short, tall, he could love us all. I didn't stick out, as far as he was concerned, because I'm beautiful. He's attracted to me because I'm a woman. He's in love with womanhood. So it is stupid how we women strive for perfection. We feel so insecure about ourselves if we don't look like a Victoria Secret runway model, with a great outfit, beautiful hair, perfect legs, and great accessories. We waste all that beauty — or at least we waste the anguish we pour out over not having that kind of perfection — because men just love women. We all know women who seem to be less attractive, but who nevertheless get all the dates they want. The fact is that a typical man's assessment of beauty is totally different than a woman's assessment. If we have two arms, two legs, a head, breasts, and a vagina, we qualify as beautiful for a lot of guys. So I've stopped being so hard on myself. I've quit competing with Giselle or Heidi. Blemishes, wrinkles, and a few extra pounds are just alternate forms of beauty, as far as most of the guys around me are concerned. I'm keeping myself from situations where I'm "not good enough." Just being a woman makes me good enough for many of the guys I meet. And I really do think of these as "real men." There are some guys, of course, who are always looking for "the perfect 10" while sometimes loudly announcing that there is no such thing. My policeman friend would laugh at these guys. He thinks I'm a 10, for crying out loud. He thinks those five girls on the wine tour with me are all 10s.

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And anyway, did you ever really look at those guys who are critical of any woman who doesn't possess a goddess-like loveliness? How handsome are most of them? If I put on a contest looking for a guy who was a 10, most of those men wouldn't even make it past the first round.

I want all women to know they are beautiful just as they are. As long as a woman keeps her spirit open and a smile on her face, she can believe in her heart that she's beautiful. And the real men around her will agree.

Things to Think About: 1. Don't obsess about being perfect looking. You don't need to be perfect to be beautiful. 2. A smile is more beautiful to a man than you can imagine — far more beautiful than your "perfect image.”

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Learn to Flirt

It's a fact that flirtation is found in every culture. The tendency to flirt is a basic part of our nature as human beings. People miss out a lot, I think, by not understanding the place flirting plays in maintaining healthy social relationships. A proper flirtation is never an invitation to sex; it is simply a sharing of the vibrancy of life. When I flirt with someone I'm giving and receiving from an underlying happiness and confidence in who I am and in what I have to offer to the world. Flirting can be misunderstood by men who imagine that some kind of seduction is going on. I have to be alert for that kind of problem and nip it in the bud. I've had one or two really mean people accuse me of being a tease. It's a price that I'm willing to pay. I'm from Kentucky and 99 percent of the time people find my southern charms to be actually charming. Healthy people understand what I'm doing and simply enjoy the sense they get by being around and enjoying the sense of my energy. The subtlest flirtations are sometimes the most powerful, saying hello, opening doors, talking on an elevator. Looking people directly in the eye as

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I converse with them conveys a positive message that they are good people and I value them. Eye contact shows a level of interest and makes people feel that they are important to you. Healthy flirting is a natural form of communication by people who tend to like other people and, especially, people who like themselves. The invention of flirting may have nothing to do with sexual interest. I think there's a special quality about my feelings concerning my looks, because I lost them so completely for a couple of years. My face was seriously damaged in a terrible automobile accident 20 years ago. I was so disfigured that friends who saw me following the accident would burst into tears. Over the course of two years of treatment under the direction of a skilled cosmetic surgeon, God gave my looks back to me! I feel that I've been given the ability to enjoy my smile, my face, and my body, and I'm glad to use them to brighten the hearts of people around me. Sometimes I feel that I'm flirting with the world. I drive down the street in my little red Sunbeam Tiger roadster with the top down and my scarf blowing in the wind. I'm turning heads and giving people something to remember! I like to wear clothes once in a while that reveal my figure and to show a little leg. Most especially, I love to catch people's eyes and give them a beaming smile. It is such a reward for me when they smile back. I know that a lot of people — especially men, of course, but often women too — enjoy receiving my smiles and my looks just as I enjoy giving them. People meet me for the first time and we shake hands or hug. We laugh together... often I can tell that they know exactly what I'm about. It feels good! "Here I am," is the message I am willing to give to everyone I meet. "I'm glad to be your friend."

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I appreciate the fact that people enjoy looking at me and sometimes receiving a friendly hug. I never mean this as a sexual thing; it is heart-felt and often heart-warming. Any pleasure I can give to others in this way comes back to me ten-fold…. The joy of each day continues to grow.

Things to Think About: 1. Make every new day an adventure by smiling and greeting strangers. 2. Flirting does not have to be sexual.

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Be a Top Apple

The greatest email I ever got had the words from a poem, "Girls are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree. The boys don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they just get the rotten apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy. So the apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one who's brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree." It's obvious that an apple that's fallen on the ground isn't able to recycle itself to the top of the tree. But every day we actually have the choice to decide where we will place ourselves on the tree. I think the best way a woman can get a man to treat her with respect is by treating herself with respect. That's what I'm doing; that's what all three of us are starting to do.

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Nicole told us that a guy hit on her. She said that she liked him right away. He seemed kind. But in the course of their conversation he made it quite clear what he wanted. She told him, "You're cool, but I'm not going to have sex with you." That was the last Nicole heard from him. She said she felt validated rather than disappointed by the guy's disappearing act. What had he wanted? He had behaved in a friendly manner and seemed to be interested in her. But the guy didn't really want to be Nicole's friend; he wasn't interested in her or had any desire to learn what she liked and disliked. He was on the prowl searching for apples laying on the ground — a woman who was willing and perhaps anxious for a guy to pick her up and use her as an object to satisfy his apple cravings. "Watching the guy walk away felt good," Nicole said. "It made me feel better about myself. It made me feel special." The three of us are going to be top apples. Each of us is determined to stay at the top of the tree until someone comes along who is sufficiently focused and manly enough to climb up high enough to receive the reward of enjoying what we've got to offer.

This is no game we're playing. By staying a good apple at the top of the tree I can be ready and fit for someone who is worthy of me because I'm not going to allow men to come along and take a bite of me whenever they feel like it. And I'm certainly not going to be on the ground.

Things to Think About: 1. By setting your standards high, you'll attract into your life the kind of man you're looking for. 2. Be patient since there are more men who collect apples on the ground than will climb up the tree.

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30 Nicole

Get Over Your Dad

I have been asking why I find myself being drawn to Adam even though he's often not a nice person and, in fact, he has some character traits that I detest. I think part of my problem is that when I was young, our parents divorced and we lived with our mom. This made it hard to have a close relationship with my father. Because modern parents are often not involved in the lives of their children, I think a lot of us are having this kind of problem. My friend, Eve, for example, became sexually active in the eighth grade. Those of us who are her friends know that her behavior comes from a deep desire to feel needed and loved. Eve hates her alcoholic dad and is trying to use sex to placate a profound sadness and to make up for the family dysfunctions. When she's in a relationship she can feel that someone loves her; she feels cherished. Her lovers always prove those feelings to be false by leaving her the next morning, or as soon as the opportunity comes along with someone new.

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Linda and I have wondered why we seem to be drawn to guys who are not good for us. I've recently begun to understand this. Like many women, I think, I developed expectations about men from my dad. While I was growing up, my dad was not particularly affectionate due to the strain of the separation, and then the divorce. Our times together were limited to weekends, and those were often busy with chores and our sports. As a result, this pattern created within me a set of diminished expectations about how the other gender operates. My feelings for guys who try to give me roses and lots of attention are confusing. A former boyfriend was clingy. He behaved as though he had been raised by his mom, which, in fact, was true. The guy's behavior eventually freaked me out because he showed his feelings far more readily than I could become accustomed to – even though, in retrospect, he acted towards me just like a boy should act towards a girl. He ought to have been my dream guy, but I just couldn't accept it. I began to come to some insight about this when I realized, with a shock, that Adam reminded me very strongly of my dad. In fact, I realized that at some important points Adam and my dad are the same person. Adam is a macho man. He can do the strong silent thing at the drop of a hat. But then when we were intimate, Adam could show his sensitive side. Whenever he would do that I could believe on a subconscious level that I could change him to be more loving all the time. I had a tough time with Adam dumping me. A strange pride makes this even more complicated. Some of us look at guys like this as a challenge. "Nobody can be better than me at winning his attention," we think. "I know him and understand him!" I was familiar with Adam's emotional behavior because it was similar to my dad's. I felt I was the best person to be in his life because I "understood him." A story goes a woman was crossing a mountain pass and found a rattlesnake in the path. The snake was cold and begged the woman to carry him down from the mountain. "But you will bite me," the woman said.

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"I promise that I will not," the snake replied. So the woman put the snake down the front of her blouse to protect it from the cold. When she had descended into the warm valley the snake immediately bit her in the heart. "But you said you wouldn't bite me," the woman gasped with her dying breath. "Why would you believe me?" the snake said. "You knew what I was when you picked me up." We pick these "snakes" up and then are surprised when we get bitten. I'm trying to get over that void and to open my horizons to other, more wholesome relationships. I should note that, by a really strange twist of fate, Linda had the same relationship with her dad that I had with my father, but not due to divorce, but due to long hours he spent away from home while he was building his Optometry Practice. Much more astonishing is the fact that she had a similar experience with our dad as I had with Adam.

It was at one of our PJ parties, that we each realized we were dating men so much like our dads. Women are often affected by the lack of involvement from the father in their lives, and sometimes look for love in all the wrong places. So from now on I'm going to leave the snakes alongside the path no matter how much it seems they want to have a close place in my heart.

Something to Think About: •

Don't try to make up for love you think you missed out on due to some unhealthy experience or missing quality you had from your childhood.

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31 Danielle

Tell the Truth About Abuse

My mom had a boyfriend named Adam. We all loved him. He was a father figure to Nicole and me. He would help take care of us and do things like make us breakfast, plan special trips, and support us in any activity we did. But that is not all he did. When I was about 13 years old, he told me he wanted me to come over alone to his house and help with some "remodeling." I was glad to help, I trusted him, and so I indeed went alone. After crawling underneath his house to pull wires from the kitchen, he demanded I shower so I didn't track anything into the house. When I got out of the shower and had completely dressed, he called me to come to the bedroom. I went into the room, and with a horrific look saw that he was entirely naked lying on a couch. He had set up a whole massage parlor complete with hand towels, music, oils, and two water bottles. "I'll give you a hundred bucks to be my masseuse for an hour," he told me and then described exactly how he wanted me to rub him. But before I was going to "rub him," I threw a towel on his butt.I began by rubbing his back with oil, stunned

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at the questions he began to ask me. "Have you ever seen a man's penis," "What have you done with a boy?" I was after all only in the 7th grade. Next, he wanted his calves and feet to be rubbed. Then he turned over and removed the towel. My mother's boyfriend of seven years was lying in front of me naked, rubbing himself asking if I wanted to touch his privates. I quickly responded No. So he asked me to pour oil into his hand. He started to masturbate. All the time he was moaning and groaning. It was the first time I had ever seen a man's penis. He then asked to be rubbed on his upper leg close to his pubic region, and I did as he asked. I have no idea why I didn't just stop. I could see the door clearly. I kept telling myself to just run. But I loved him like a second father, and did not want to disappoint him. Shaking and trembling, I tried so hard not to let him see me cry. I felt completely betrayed and so hurt. I was so young, and not ready to be faced with perverted men like him. I finally just could not take it anymore. I picked myself up and asked to go to the living room. He replied, "I'm going to finish up." Sitting in his living room with my bag in my lap, deciding whether to run to his neighbor's house or just wait. I heard him turn the shower on. I kept hoping that the guy would not ask me to join him. Minutes later he came out dressed and was ready to drive me home. In the car he played music, we made conversation and I acted like nothing had happened. He drove me home and then stayed with my sister and I until I left for cheerleading practice. He waited because he knew I was going to tell her. Later, on the way to practice, I could not do anything but replay the most horrifying hour of my life. I jumped out of the car and immediately called Nicole to tell her what he did to me. Hysterically crying, so hard I could not breathe, I managed to tell everything. We both agreed that I had to tell my mom what happened.

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When I got home I reluctantly told her everything. It turned out that she was too much in love with him to accept what I was saying. My mom started asking questions implying that I had done something to lead him to do this. She was so heartbroken, and she did not want to hear anymore. A week later, my mom's boyfriend and I were forced to confront each other. My mom sat on the stairs and listened while he admitted to what he did. He begged me to forgive him. He said, "I am so sorry," "I love you," "You know I would never do anything to deliberately hurt you." He asked me to be his friend. He was hoping that everything could go back to the way it was before. But I knew that we could never go back. He had killed something between us. School started and I was in the 8th grade. I became very close with my school counselor; she was like a surrogate mom. One day she asked me how my summer was. I could not help but cry and explain my nightmare that just wouldn't go away. "What he did was a crime." It was a school policy and she had to report my mom's boyfriend. Child Protective Services and the police showed up at school the next day. I was questioned for hours by numerous adults. "Do you want to file a suit against him?" they asked. I consented because I was afraid of the possibility that he could do it to someone else. Child Protective Services even pulled Nicole out of class to be questioned. The interrogation was difficult. They asked me inappropriate questions about the shape of his penis. Did he climax? Was there any time that the penis was erected? How was I supposed to know, I was only in the 8th grade. They talked like a couple of perves themselves. It didn't do a bit of good because when police confronted him, he denied the whole thing. He claimed that I instigated it. When the case was given to the DA, their response was, "It's his word against hers." Lack of evidence, they said. He walked away. The policeman told me the case was denied. I was mortified. But he also mentioned that he believed my mom's boyfriend lied to him about the whole story.

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The experience still makes me sick to my stomach, as I went through a depressing part of my life at such a young age. It has affected my relationships with boys, and probably will in the future. I know that many young girls have been sexually abused. For some girls, it's a horrible one-time nightmare. For others, the abuse goes on for years. Uncles and stepfathers often commit the crime. Sometimes it's even the girl's father. The experience taught me that girls at any age must be careful. If someone in the family is sexually abusing us, let’s turn him in. Don't be afraid. Girls are afraid to speak because people have a hard time believing what they are saying. But we shouldn’t put up with it any longer.

When abuse happens to us let's go to the authorities. As victims we shouldn't be ashamed. We need to make people listen. It is a risk we take to release the truth, but what is worse than not trying? I wasn't able to get that repulsive man off the streets or even to keep him away from my family, but I didn't keep it a secret. At least everyone knows the truth.

Things to Think About: 1. If someone hurts or abuses you... speak out. 2. No one has the right to violate your body or control your (sexual) decisions. 3. Sometimes people who abuse you are "close" to you. That does not make it "OK."

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32

Conclusion: Live Without Regret

The book hasn't been about simple challenges or easy solutions. Making fundamental changes in our lives is never like switching on a light. Life is always risky and uncertain. Maybe tomorrow we'll meet some hunky guy and we'll fall back into the illusion that attention equals affection. These things are habitual reactions that we developed over a lifetime, and cannot be changed overnight. But we can change ourselves gradually; we can modify our behaviors. In fact, since we started working on this book, our own lives really have changed in important ways. Below are some of the changes that each of us have experienced in the two years we worked on this book. The numbers in the parentheses show our age when we began and when we finished.

Danielle (15-17) The past year has created major changes in my life. I've transformed my attitude from regarding sex as a way to be popular to discovering that I don't have to have sex to be cool. I can be cool because I really am cool.

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I've learned how to take the peer pressure out of the equation. If I don't want to have sex, I will not do so. I've learned that there's more strength in standing up for what I believe to be right for me and saying "No!" than in going with the crowd and saying "Yes!" My saying "No!" is an act of independence and wisdom. It is empowering. I'm making changes in my life and in my relationship with other people, especially with boys. I'm learning how to live life more deliberately and to make choices that help me to grow and thrive.

Nicole (18-20) My experiences with Adam were awful and a humiliating part of my life. But they became an inspiration for the book. The pain of that relationship has caused me to live, grow, and learn. I'm living life on a different playing field now than if I had never had to go through those difficult experiences. Those tough times toughened me and made me strong. Growth is always difficult. The experiences fill us with doubts about our selves and our judgment. But we change and grow through facing and overcoming the problems that we run into. I've seen tremendous changes in my internal life. A year ago I was "High School Nicole." Now I feel that I'm developing into a woman. I've accepted the truth about myself and about the guys who come into my life. I used to run away from the truth and would continue to deny what was happening. I asked friends and counselors about what I should do, but I always knew that the answers were right there in front of me. I've changed my attitude towards life, and have begun living wisely. I've taken charge of my destiny.

Linda (48-50) I've started believing in myself. My problem has been in not trusting my instincts. When I meet someone, I often get a gut feeling that I later discount, but in every case it seems that my first instincts were correct. My self-doubts about my instincts this often led me into relationships that I would otherwise have avoided.

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We've experienced terrible things with guys. We've made horrible mistakes and have done things that we certainly would undo, if we possibly could. But having said that, we acknowledge that all the things we've experienced have served to make us deeper and more enriched human beings. We can choose our course in life. Some good things happen in our lives, some bad things. We can't do anything about that stuff, whether good or bad. The only thing we can do is choose how to respond to it.

The three of us had the same dilemma of how we respond to male attention. We had to admit the fact that if boys want us, it doesn't mean they like us. If they want us, today, it doesn't mean they will want us tomorrow. We learn from our mistakes. We can take control of the processes in our lives. We can manage the forces of cause and effect. We can modify actions that bring forth reactions. I think that if we are living, laughing, and loving with the people around us, there isn't too much to find in life to complain about or to bitterly regret. To your lives, we hope we have influenced your thoughts and behaviors in some small way. May you live a life without regret and full of joy! Love, Danielle, Nicole & Linda

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Concluding Things to Think About: 1. Don't do what others think is "cool….” YOU might live with regret…. 2. Giving yourself up "too soon" usually hurts nobody but YOU. 3. Accept the fact that sex does not equal = LOVE. Sex is SEX. Just because you had sex with him, does not mean he loves you, or will (at least) after SUNRISE. 4. Go with your heart and soul ... if it does not feel RIGHT… don't do it.

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A u t h o r s

About the Authors Linda Edwards is a 50-year-old businesswoman and is part owner (partner) in a mortgage company. Nicole Glennon, is a 20-year-old college student. Danielle Glennon is a high school student in her mid teens. What do they all have in common? Men! They all have passion to learn how to understand men, date them and love them.

Linda was born and reared in a small Kentucky town. She was raised by strict Southern Methodist parents. Her father was a well-known Doctor of Optometry. Both parents were very involved in their church and community. Linda married at the young age of 19, and left Kentucky to begin life as a young officer's wife in Hawaii. They divorced after eight challenging years, and Linda subsequently experienced a horrific car wreck, following which she married a man who still believed her to be attractive in spite of her face that had been horribly disfigured by going through a car’s windshield. Following nearly ten years of problems and the birth of one wonderful child, she divorced a second time. “For the first time in my life,” Linda said, “I faced the realities in the world of men and dating.” She had spent the past ten years making up for “lost

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time” while working to understand the psyche and behaviors of men. She tried to come to insights with how often she seemed so wrongly to interpret and to respond to men’s intentions. Nicole and Danielle Glennon, on the other hand, had been raised with their parents divorcing while they were both still quite young. They have seen men and women in and out of their parents' lives. Oddly enough, one of those persons was Linda. She had a long-term relationship with their dad. This is what brought the three of them together. After Linda got dumped by their Dad, the girls made a pact to always remain close friends. Little did they know how close they would become!

Nicole grew up in northern California in the Bay Area and is currently 20 years old. She loves her life and has such great friends and family. She did gymnastics for ten years and competitive cheerleading for six. Nicole enjoys all sports. She loves water skiing, boating, yoga, dancing, and being in Tahoe snowboarding. She loves college football, and enjoys going to most sporting events. She currently lives in Los Angeles going to school down there and working for a production company. She is not sure where the future will lead, she is taking it one day at a time. Why worry about the future when it's the present that she is most concerned about. Nicole feels that the best times in life are being with friends and family, being silly, laughing, and having quality time because for her that is what life is all about.

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Danielle Glennon grew up in Danville, California attending Monte Vista High School. She is proud of her school and loves being involved with Monte Vista's Cheer Organization, representing the squad as a team captain. Her life has been surrounded with Cheerleading for seven years including competing in the past for Pyramids. She is blessed with many friends and continues to grow friendships everyday. She has the loudest laugh and the biggest heart for the people she cherishes. Danielle is a very compassionate, loving girl who enjoys life and the challenges that it brings each day. In the future, she plans to go to college and hopefully develop a career with children, or somewhere in the health industry. Working on this book from from the ages of 15 to 17, she never imagined how much she would learn about herself.

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Appendix

A

Comprehensive List of ‘Things to Think About’

NOTE The 77 items below are a comprehensive list of ‘Things to Think About’ from the book in the order in which they appear. As such, feel free to read this list in any order.

Dating

1. Don't worry if you don't hear back from a man…time will tell you the truth. 2. While you can't control a man's behavior or actions, you can control yours! 3. Don't expect your boyfriend to fulfill the same needs you naturally get from your girlfriends. 4. Understand and respect that men and women communicate in completely different ways. 5. Being too nice, too soon takes the mystique out of a new relationship for the man. He knows he already has you. 6. Protect your heart by not being too nice too soon. 7. Overly nice behaviors can be perceived by men as "needy and clingy."

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8. Don't fall for what men say to you, fall for what they do! 9. Actions speak louder than words. 10. If you see a "red flag"… believe it! 11. Don't make excuses for a man's bad behavior. 12. Recognize behavior patterns and cut them loose sooner versus later and save yourself months or years of agony. 13. Your first instinct about someone new is usually accurate. 14. Always meet new friends in public places. 15. Don't use the Internet as a "spying tool." If you have to use it to check out their fidelity, then you already have a problem. 16. If you act untruthful, don't be surprised! 17. Behave on date night one the same way you want to be treated on date month three. 18. Think about the impression you want to make ... a one night stand … or a viable girlfriend? 19. Remember it is you that has all the control. 20. Once you have sex, you have possibly given up your control. Choose wisely. 21. In a new relationship, don't believe immediately that "you're the one that can tame him." 22. You don't need a man to be happy. A man will not complete you. 23. Learn to love and enjoy yourself.

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Sex

24. The three-month rule is to help you walk away from fresh relationships guilt-free by minimizing the amount of sexual encounters you might regret! 25. The three-month rule is a guideline to protect you and allow time to REALLY get to know the other person. 26. My body is a temple, and I won't abuse it. 27. The longer you wait for sex, the better the romance gets. 28. Be cool, use the three-month rule. 29. Virginity is not something you need to "get over with…” Hold on to it as long as you can because you can't get it back. 30. Do what you want… but live with the consequences. 31. You don't need to have sex with a man to win him. 32. Most likely by having sex with a man early you will lose him. 33. What kind of dessert are you? 34. Allow the man to hunt. Let him chase you for a while… longer. 35. Don't underestimate his need to hunt… longer. 36. Don't be the dead deer at the front door. 37. If you have any doubts, then you shouldn't do it. 38. Having sex young really doesn't make you cool. 39. Having sex young isn't the experience it looks like in the movies. 40. Having male friends is great. Keeping them as friends can be a challenge if you let it become sexual.

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41. Masturbation ashamed of.

is

not

something

to

be

42. Self-discovery is a healthy and natural way to have "safe sex"! 43. The more you learn, the better you get.

Health

44. Not knowing when to quit drinking can lead to a lot of regret. 45. Too much alcohol directly affects your decision-making abilities. 46. If you are thinking you are crazy, you might just be hormonal. 47. Tracking your menstrual cycle dates month-to-month can give you piece of mind and help you schedule life events. 48. Every woman should see a doctor for a complete physical once a year. 49. Even condoms won't protect you from all forms of sexually transmitted diseases. 50. Don't ever think, "It won't happen to me" because you'll be sorry when that day comes.

Marriage

51. If you have any doubts, don't say "I do." 52. Your early single years are "to be all you can be," because you'll never get those years back once you are married. 53. Don't send him to the penalty box for wrongdoing by taking away his sex; take away his remote. 54. Never say "No," unless you really can't for some reason — like approaching death.

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55. Be willing to be creative and open with his ideas and requests. 56. Remember that men like women to initiate. 57. A hand and a tongue go a long way. 58. Surprise him occasionally with a new look, or lingerie. 59. Let him play out fantasies as if you were someone else. Dress up like a nurse; put a raincoat on over your naked body. 60. Make water your friend — showers, bubble baths, hot tubs…. 61. Remember that a blowjob can raise a dead man. 62. Use your voice. Moan. Talk dirty. Tell him what you like and don't like. Make him feel sexually empowered.

Life

63. Accept the fact that girls aren't easy to break up with, so boys have to do it in the easiest way they can. 64. Don't take a breakup as rejection; it's probably not about you at all. 65. When a guy breaks up with you and doesn't give you an explanation, he's trying not to hurt your feelings. 66. In your first month of dating a new guy don't be available two nights in a row. 67. Make "date nights" with your girlfriends. 68. Don't obsess about being perfect looking. You don't need to be perfect to be beautiful. 69. A smile is more beautiful to a man than you can imagine — far more beautiful than your "perfect image.” 70. Make every new day an adventure by smiling and greeting strangers.

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71. Flirting does not have to be sexual. 72. By setting your standards high, you'll attract into your life the kind of man you're looking for. 73. Be patient since there are more men who collect apples on the ground than will climb up the tree. 74. Don't try to make up for love you think you missed out on due to some unhealthy experience or missing quality you had from your childhood. 75. If someone hurts or abuses you... speak out. 76. No one has the right to violate your body or control your (sexual) decisions. 77. Sometimes people who abuse you are "close" to you. That does not make it "OK."

NOTE First, please share this list with your friends.

NOTE Second, please share your thoughts on this list, or make suggestions to add to it by sending us an e-mail or by adding to our Wiki: [email protected] or http://happyabout.info/wiki/LessonsLearned

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