Learning to Love

FA LEARNING TO LOVE

11/10/04

10:47 AM

Page 1

Learning to Love explores the evolving relationship between mother, father and baby. Focusing on the first year of life, it looks at the emotional dimension of becoming a parent, and offers an understanding of the baby’s emotional needs. Also examined are:

• key mental and emotional milestones in the first 12 months; • parent’s changing relationship with each other as well as their baby; • growth of both the traditional and non-traditional family unit; and • case studies of common parenting dilemmas. Based on infant observation, psychodynamic theory and personal experience, Learning to Love is an informative, warm and engaging book for the prospective and new parent.

‘This book helps you find your own way of dealing with your baby rather than telling you what to do. It made me more aware of the bonding process that takes place between you and the baby.’ Alison Hunter, mother of Finn, five months ‘Learning to Love is an exceptionally helpful, insightful look at the first year of a baby’s life. Illuminating … ’ Anne Manne, journalist and mother

L O R R AI N E R O SE

Lorraine Rose is a psychologist and analytical psychotherapist with 25 years experience. She has worked extensively with mothers, fathers and babies, and is the founding member of the Parent-Infant Foundation. She lives in Sydney with her partner and has an adult daughter.

LEARN I NG T O L O V E

t may be one of the most natural processes, but becoming a parent can be as daunting as it is rewarding. Having a baby changes everything, and the biggest area of change for new parents is also one of the least explored: how do you relate to this new person in your life?

I

LEARN I N G T OL O V E

PRESS

L O R R AI N E R O SE

LEARNING final pages FINAL

11/10/04

10:52 AM

Page i

LEAR N I N G TOL OVE

LEARNING final pages FINAL

11/10/04

10:52 AM

Page ii

LEARNING final pages FINAL

11/10/04

10:52 AM

Page iii

L E A RN I N G TOLOVE LORRAINE

ROSE

The developing relationships between mother, father and baby during the first year

LEARNING final pages FINAL

11/10/04

10:52 AM

Page iv

First published 2000 by The Australian Council for Educational Research Ltd 347 Camberwell Road, Camberwell, Victoria, 3124 1 3 5 7 9 10 8 6 4 2 Copyright © 2000 Lorraine Rose All rights reserved. Except under the conditions described in the Copyright Act 1968 of Australia and subsequent amendments, no part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise, without the written permission of the publishers. Edited by Adrienne de Kretser Cover and text design by Scooter Design Typeset in 12/18 Granjon by Scooter Design Printed by Shannon Books Pty Ltd National Library of Australia Cataloguing-in-Publication data: Rose, Lorraine, 1944- . Learning to love : the developing relationships between mother, father and baby during the first year. ISBN 0 86431 365 9. 1. Parenting - Australia. 2. Child rearing - Australia. 3. Infants - Development. I. Title. 649.12205

LEARNING final pages FINAL

11/10/04

10:52 AM

Page v

contents Preface Acknowledgements Introduction Before the Birth The Birth The First Six Weeks Six to Twelve Weeks Three to Six Months Six to Nine Months Nine to Twelve Months The Continuing Story

vii ix 1 8 30 51 68 83 100 116 134

LEARNING final pages FINAL

11/10/04

10:52 AM

Page vi

LEARNING final pages FINAL

11/10/04

10:52 AM

Page vii

preface This book is for women and men who are at the point in their lives and their partnerships of thinking about having a baby. I would like to help them on the wonderful rollercoaster ride of being a parent with all its joys, exhilarations, sadness, frustrations and just plain hard work. It is very worthwhile, and there are enormous rewards for taking the ride. Learning to Love seemed to emerge from the years of time and effort that I put into trying to understand the early developmental stages that we all go through. I have read extensively about infant development and spent years observing infants from birth, watching the development of the relationship between mother and baby and the growing relationship with the father. I have practised as a psychologist for twenty-five years, and since the mid 1980s have worked intensively with a number of people whose early bonding process was disturbed. This area is something vii

LEARNING final pages FINAL

11/10/04

10:52 AM

Page viii

I have explored deeply, and although my knowledge and experience remain imperfect I would like to share the main features of my learning. I also wrote this book because I would have liked it to exist before I had my own child, so I could have read and understood its concepts. It is my belief that if I had known then much of what I do now I would have been a better mother myself, and hence would have had a richer experience in rearing my child. I wasn’t a bad parent, but child-rearing could have been a more meaningful and enjoyable experience for both me and my daughter. So Learning to Love is also a book for my daughter, in the hope that she may discover the fullness of the experience of parenthood in a way that was not always possible for me.

LEARNING final pages FINAL

11/10/04

10:52 AM

Page ix

acknowledgements I would like to thank many people for their contributions to this book. All those engaged in the theoretical and research areas of early development deserve recognition. Dr Averil Earnshaw introduced me to the fascinating world of the baby, for which I am very grateful. Norma Tracey and Beulah Warren gave me invaluable feedback which enriched the text. Kristen Daglish and Janice Di Giusto assisted enormously with the editing process and helped to get it done! Kylie McKellor, a young mother herself, contributed greatly with her illustrations, scanned by Tully Rosen. Finally, my Parent–Infant study group helped me believe the project was worthwhile. Thank you, all of you.

ix

LEARNING final pages FINAL

11/10/04

10:52 AM

Page x

LEARNING final pages FINAL

11/10/04

10:52 AM

Page 1

introduction his book is about a process that takes place between a mother, a father and a young baby. It attempts to understand how relationships grow, and discusses what happens in our earliest months when as new human beings we attempt to come to grips with the world around us. It is also about how we come to form attachments or turn away from them, are disappointed or curious, and why this is so. What has determined our choice? The early time in our lives is important because it is then that our core relationships are developed, and they influence the types of relationship we will have in the future. We in turn pass on these ways of relating to our children. While the establishment of these relationships is often a natural and unconscious process, I would like to try to make sense of what occurs between mother, father and baby, aiming for a greater understanding of what is involved. The triangle exists even if there is only one parent bringing

T

1

LEARNING final pages FINAL

11/10/04

10:52 AM

Page 2

Learning to love

up the family, or if parents of the same sex are raising a child. Same-sex parents grapple with the same developmental tasks involved in rearing a child as do parents of different sexes. The couple is the context into which any child is born, since without that original pairing, even if it is by test tube, no conception or birth can take place. The birth of a little person requires certain things that make this possible. The couple, whoever they are, also need supports, be they parents, friends or relations. Attempting to talk about these things is not an easy task, as it involves matters that are normally not discussed. It will require us to be emotionally involved in a way that can be difficult to bear, as it brings up our past experiences. Writing this book meant that I revisited treasured and painful times from my own childhood and from when I raised my child. Also, by giving a voice to the baby we can sometimes begin to look differently at our own earlier experiences. This can be helpful, but also difficult at times. The book just touches the surface of our understanding of how we learn to love. Much more could be said, and there is much more to be said. I can only offer an introduction to thinking about what is taking place in the emotional development of the family, and the individual members of that family. What I have to say is necessarily incomplete, but hopefully will stimulate the thoughts and feelings which lie 2

LEARNING final pages FINAL

11/10/04

10:52 AM

Page 3

Introduction

at the heart of the journey into parenthood. A birth is a wonderful opportunity, and being part of the development of a new human being is an enormous responsibility as well as an enriching journey. It is an opportunity to revisit our childhood, with all its pleasure and pain, and have the pleasure of being part of our child’s development, which can be a source of very deep joy. It is a time of reworking our own early experiences. It also offers the possibility of discovering the world in a different way, through the eyes of our child. Parenting offers the opportunity to work through our own experiences, helpful and unhelpful, and to make a fuller transition into our adult selves. Being a parent means participating in a maturing process. Having a baby is a lot of hard work, both emotionally and physically, but it would be a great loss for all concerned if the baby became just another acquisition, another commodity or a thing, rather than a little personality in need of care and responsibility. As human beings we have a deep need for intimacy and closeness – without them we suffer a sense of estrangement from ourselves and others. Having a baby is an opportunity for us as mothers and fathers to gradually find the intimacy of a connection with our baby, and is therefore a highly rewarding and mutually nurturing experience. 3

LEARNING final pages FINAL

11/10/04

10:52 AM

Page 4

Learning to love

In attempting to clarify the learning tasks of the baby and parents in the early years, and exploring how we learn to love, we need to be open to aspects of ourselves that may not get opened up in normal day-to-day life. These elements have probably not been awakened to the same extent until we have a baby. It is important to try to discuss an issue that forms the basis of our lives as human beings— learning to love. This means living with all the joy, happiness, sadness, loss and richness that accompanies this human capacity. Without the capacity to love we are only empty shadows of who we can be. We are placed outside life and cannot participate in the drama of living; without the capacity to love we live without colour, variation and vitality. The process involved is the journey of empathy – the ‘being with’ someone else and understanding what it is to be like them, not reacting to or acting upon but putting ourselves in their shoes. It involves listening with our hearts. Empathy is the means by which our humanity is born. This is a very simple truth, but it is also complex. Perhaps the best way to understand it is through an example. When she was a teenager my daughter was asked to take care of a two-year-old and four-month-old baby for a week, while their parents went on a holiday. Although my 4

LEARNING final pages FINAL

11/10/04

10:52 AM

Page 5

Introduction

daughter knew the children well and was attached to them, and they to her, I was not sure that the arrangement was a good idea. However, she accepted the job. On the third night, at about 2 a.m. I received a distressed phone call from my daughter. Through her tears she said, ‘Please come, I need your help’. It was obvious that she was holding the baby, who was very upset. When I arrived I found my daughter and the baby both in tears, my daughter saying, ‘I can’t stand it any more. Why is he doing this to me?’ Because she was sleepdeprived, I told her to go to bed. I took the baby and began walking around with him, trying to feel the meaning of his pitiful cries. I then attempted to arrive at a deeper level of understanding about what was happening. It became clear that my daughter had received his communication ‘I can’t stand it. Why is this happening to me?’ This was a direct communication from the baby about how he was feeling, but a further step needed to be taken. Instead of just reacting, as I sometimes did as a mother, a more responsive approach was to stay with the communication long enough to find the meaning: the further step was to realise that the baby was telling me in the only way he could how he felt about the situation. He was missing his mother (his main carer) and father, and feeling the unbearable and painful incredulity of asking 5

LEARNING final pages FINAL

11/10/04

10:52 AM

Page 6

Learning to love

why and how they could do such a terrible thing as leaving him. Why was this happening? The process of empathy involves receiving the communication, feeling it, experiencing it, thinking about it and finding some words to make sense of it. Although I did not always do this for my own child I did it for him – I know it is easier said than done. As I walked the baby up and down I did try to find words: ‘You poor little boy’, ‘You’re sad that mum has gone away’, ‘You don’t know where she is or why she has gone, poor Matthew’. As his crying began to abate I said that it was going to be all right, that we would ring them in the morning and let them know how upset he was. The sad epilogue for this deeply attached four-monthold boy was that his mother’s first comment was, ‘Why is he so upset? He doesn’t really know who I am’. We don’t always know how valuable and important we are. However, Matthew’s parents did come home the next day and he was reunited with them. What do any of us need in order to become a personality in our own right? What we all require, particularly in our earliest years, are time, attention and reflective thought about who we are. Unless someone attends to our likes, dislikes and idiosyncrasies, and talks to us about who we are, we will never find ourselves. Someone needs to be ‘in tune’ with what is happening in our lives, and our needs 6

LEARNING final pages FINAL

11/10/04

10:52 AM

Page 7

Introduction

and desires. This does not mean that all our wishes will be fulfilled, but just having someone think about what is going on for us is important. ‘Maternal reverie’ is the term most often used to describe this process. It simply means someone needs to be taking notice. This involves a certain amount of routine and repetition, and much hard work, but it is what begins to weave a web of safety and reliability that provides the mental and emotional skin into which we can be born as a personality. Note: the plural ‘them’ and ‘their’ has been used when speaking of the baby. While grammatically incorrect, it is an attempt to be inclusive of both genders. I hope this is not too disconcerting to the reader.

7

LEARNING final pages FINAL

11/10/04

10:52 AM

Page 8

before the birth he conception of a baby epitomises the paradox of life. This creative act contains great joy and satisfaction with the opportunity for a new start and a new life, but it also involves the responsibility of facing up to many psychological tasks. The double-edged nature of the experience means that the opportunity for renewal is intertwined with the pain and difficulty involved in that renewal. If we are going to create new life it will, paradoxically, present us with its counterpart – death. As parents we are faced almost immediately with questions: ‘How viable is this foetus?’ ‘Will it live to full term?’ Mothers also face the question of how they will survive the pregnancy and birth. We face our mortality in a way that has not been confronted before – the foetus puts us in touch with that question. Suddenly life cannot be taken for granted in the way it might have been before.

T

8

LEARNING final pages FINAL

11/10/04

10:52 AM

Page 9

Before the birth

Pa s t L o s s e s R e t u r n This confrontation with life and death issues, with loss, also puts us in touch with past losses which we have not worked through. Such past losses re-emerged for me when I became a parent. As a young teenager I had been deeply involved with bringing up my younger brother, as my mother had been very ill at the time of his birth. I played more of a maternal than a sisterly role in the early period of his life and a deep mutual bond had developed. When my mother recovered I had to step back from the maternal role. Looking back, I can see that I had not adequately dealt with my grief and loss. When my daughter was born, many years later, she naturally had a very different personality from that of my brother. However, I felt deep longings to return to that earlier 9

LEARNING final pages FINAL

11/10/04

10:52 AM

Page 10

Learning to love

relationship, and this initially impeded my bonding with the baby I had just given birth to. A similar experience had occurred to my mother. I had never been able to understand my mother’s lack of robustness, her frequent retreating to bed when we were young. She would manage for a while, then life would become too much for her and she couldn’t cope. There was a feeling that someone should take over responsibility for her life. Her fragility became more understandable when I learnt that there had been a miscarriage prior to my mother’s birth. As a result of losing that first child my grandparents, particularly my grandfather, had been inclined to wrap my mother in cotton wool. They frequently said that she should be looked after, and should never have to work. My mother always reminded me of a beautiful china doll that could easily shatter. Although small in stature and appearing fragile my mother had many capabilities, all of which remained untapped because of the notion of frailty imposed on her because of the earlier death. The view that she was not robust was related more to the previous loss than to herself. It pervaded her life, and she lived in the context of a social environment that supported such restrictions. Completing the grieving for previous losses allows us to 10

LEARNING final pages FINAL

11/10/04

10:52 AM

Page 11

Before the birth

face the reality of the present birth of a new personality, without the clouds of the past intruding. It makes space for the new little person entering our lives, the one we don’t yet know but are looking forward to meeting. We can begin to imagine what they are like and about what changes they will bring. This is an important part of a couple making the transition from being a couple to being a family. A startling example was a very gifted young woman who came to see me for therapy. When we were together I frequently sensed a dead baby in the room with us. Finally I asked her to check whether there had been a lost twin or a miscarriage before her birth. Her mother said that there hadn’t been. However, my feeling persisted and after questioning her mother for the third time the young woman was told of the loss of a first-born son. This was a great tragedy in a wealthy land-owning family, where a son was traditionally considered the prized one who would take over the dynasty from the father. Together we were able to see that she had two personalities: she was her father’s righthand ‘man’, in terms of the property; and she was also a completely different person, a soft and gentle artist interested in sculpture. REALITY INTRUDES Allied to facing life and death anxieties is the fact that we 11

LEARNING final pages FINAL

11/10/04

10:52 AM

Page 12

Learning to love

come face to face with our own humanity, and begin to understand realities. We have engaged in a wonderfully creative act and created a new life, but very soon the mother often gets morning sickness. Pregnancy has a way of making itself felt. The hormonal imbalance usually means that the mother feels both more placid and more tired. Nature is attempting to get her to stop and take time, not only in a physical way but also mentally and psychologically. Some women do feel energised, but their energy is often focussed on preparing for the baby. Both parents need time to face the massive changes that are taking place in their lives and in her body. Some women can feel invaded by pregnancy: ‘Who is this intruder, this alien who makes its presence so keenly felt?’ Reality cannot be ignored and, together with facing our mortality, we begin to understand the fact that we cannot be all things at the one time, that choices are going to have to be made. Busy lives can be rethought at this time to allow for the new baby. A preoccupation with our baby-to-be is natural, and we may have to reconsider what is possible and impossible. Taking the time to enjoy this period is important, but we must create that time. Unless we fully acknowledge and enter into the experience of pregnancy we risk missing out on the experience. Pregnancy can be a meaningless and tedious exercise, or an important and 12

LEARNING final pages FINAL

11/10/04

10:52 AM

Page 13

Before the birth

valuable journey and accomplishment. The choice is ours. Fat h e r ’ s Tr a n s i t i o n The father-to-be also has a transition to make. Although a vital participant in the process of conception, he can feel left out of the process of pregnancy, the growing child and his/her strong biological link to the mother. The mother’s role is more obvious and it may be difficult for the father to see the importance and value of his function and role. Yet his roles as a support for the mother, and father of the baby, are essential to the baby’s well-being.

One young man became very interested in his garden, growing flowers and vegetables during his wife’s pregnancy. Whenever we visited him and discussed the coming birth he was keen for us to go outside and look at 13

LEARNING final pages FINAL

11/10/04

10:52 AM

Page 14

Learning to love

his accomplishments. This seemed to be his way of expressing a feeling that he could grow things as well, perhaps a tangible way in which he could show that he also had nurturing capacities. The mother-to-be often receives a great deal of attention as she becomes increasingly involved with the child inside her. It is easy for the male partner to feel unimportant, left out of the growing intimacy between mother and child. We must all be sensitive to this and reinforce the importance of the father’s role as a support to his wife, and the need of his child to have a father not just biologically but psychologically. The baby needs two different parents, a mother and a father – not two competing mothers or two competing fathers – if they are to be adequately supported in their development. Preconceptions about the Baby During pregnancy we naturally wonder about the new baby, what they will be like and how we will be as parents. This is all part of preparing for the baby, as we experience the joy of anticipating the birth. However, sometimes we can develop such strong preconceptions about the baby that we fail to allow for the new individual. We shape the baby we want rather than allowing for the fact that the baby will have their own personality. 14

LEARNING final pages FINAL

11/10/04

10:52 AM

Page 15

Before the birth

An example of a relationship where the child had no meaning of his own was one involving an older man who had enormous anxieties about having missed out on life. He was unable to maintain relationships, had never married and had no children. He was very unhappy with his life and, although he had been outwardly successful and earned a great deal of money, he felt lonely and in a vacuum. He was the son of an upper-class European woman who had married a public servant and felt aggrieved about having ‘lowered’ herself in class. When her son was conceived, she 15

LEARNING final pages FINAL

11/10/04

10:52 AM

Page 16

Learning to love

saw him as an opportunity for financial success: the family would have money and somehow he would reinstate her into her proper position in life. This was the path this young man took. He followed his mother’s prescriptions, but felt that he wasn’t living his own life. As he had become so completely his mother’s idea of himself, he had little or no concept of who he was. A young priest was similarly treated. He was destined from birth to be his mother’s ‘production’, who would be given to God and would remain the mother’s favoured child. He was to be the special, anointed one who was above life and its vicissitudes. However, this left him remote, removed from any ability to engage in ordinary human living, unable to involve himself in any kind of emotional dialogue. The mother had never ‘been with’ (empathised with) her little boy to help him discover his emotional and mental life and his wishes and desires about how to live his life. She considered him only an extension of her own wishes and desires and failed to take ‘him’ into account. Engaging and Letting Go Conception, pregnancy, birth and parenthood are all strongly related to loss. We have a baby, a gift of life given to us, but paradoxically it is also taken away. Each month of the pregnancy is part of a developmental process that leads 16

LEARNING final pages FINAL

11/10/04

10:52 AM

Page 17

Before the birth

to birth and letting go. Right from the beginning each step of the baby’s growth contains the seed of its growing up and moving away from us. As parents we have to live with the dilemma – how do we have and hold, engage and enter into the relationship that will lead to a goodbye? This difficulty is heightened if we plan that the baby will, soon after birth, be left in long day-care: ‘Why get involved when we will have to say goodbye very soon?’ If a mother is aware of impending separation she may hold back emotionally from her very young baby who is forming, desiring and needing deep involvement with the mother: ‘Why start when I won’t be following through? It’s better not to get involved from the beginning than experience the pain and the loss’. This is a sad state of affairs for both sides of the relationship, because they are missing out on something special. On the other hand, a mother may get involved but decide from the start not to let go. A friend working in the area of disabilities, dealing with older parents who have children of limited capacities born when the mother’s role was defined by her motherhood, often hears the phrase ‘this one was for me.’ In this scenario the child with the disability becomes the compensatory one who will not have to be relinquished, and is often held back from their real level of ability and capacity. 17

LEARNING final pages FINAL

11/10/04

10:52 AM

Page 18

Learning to love

If we don’t face the reality of loss or take up the challenge of involvement and its inherent risks, we miss out. Being involved will challenge us, and will require a level of maturity we haven’t acquired before. We need to think of the developing baby as someone we are prepared to make sacrifices for. We, and hopefully our support systems, will discover an altruism that can put the baby’s needs, when necessary, in front of our own. G o i n g b e y o n d O u r s e lv e s To truly enter the family the baby must be allowed to be their own person who will be taken into account. This does not mean that they take over, nor dominate our needs, but instead become a part of the family triangle. Somehow the needs of all three – father, mother and baby – must be accommodated. The task is not easy and remains an ongoing one. Alongside our renunciation of self lies the possibility of experiencing true love, a love that is capable of putting aside our needs for those of another when appropriate. This does not mean martyrdom, but another person’s need temporarily overriding our own. By extending the boundaries of who we are and committing ourselves to a ‘good’ beyond ourselves, our lives are paradoxically enhanced. We experience the joy of loving and being loved. 18

LEARNING final pages FINAL

11/10/04

10:52 AM

Page 19

Before the birth

Having a baby confronts us with the fact that we must partner life, that we cannot make it happen our way, that we are unable to control everything that happens to us. Our bodies will respond to pregnancy in their individual ways, we will find different aspects of the pregnancy difficult and we will only be able to ‘go with’ what happens. We have often worked for a number of years before becoming pregnant, and established a clear sense of identity based on that work. Having a baby calls on a very different capacity in ourselves. Now we have to ‘go with’ what is occurring, rather than directing or controlling it. This can be very disconcerting, but it is the means by which we grow into our new role and enhance our sense of self. Our Identity is Challenged The sheer reality of the pregnancy brings psychological changes and the intrusion of thoughts and feelings about the past. What was it like for us when we were young? How did our parents parent? What kind of parents do we want to be? What do we value from our own parenting? What do we want to do differently? Our identity is challenged: we are no longer only who we thought we were. We are more than that: we are who we were, but we are also parents in the making. The loss of our old identity must shake up the territory known as ourselves, especially – but 19

LEARNING final pages FINAL

11/10/04

10:52 AM

Page 20

Learning to love

not only – for the mother. It is also true for the father. This must create confusion and questioning, and bring up some anxieties: ‘Can I do this?’ ‘Who am I now?’

This process creates the possibility of discovering new and valuable aspects of ourselves. We can begin to discover parts of ourselves that haven’t previously emerged but begin to offer a fuller picture of who we are. Naturally we may have some resistance to this change, and revert more strongly to our former roles. The painfulness of a period of 20

LEARNING final pages FINAL

11/10/04

10:52 AM

Page 21

Before the birth

unsureness and insecurity before we grow into our newly expanded role isn’t easy to bear. However, missing this phase of development means that it is much easier to also miss out on life’s next offer of personal development. Joining life and accepting its developmental challenges involves the possibility of life offering more than we could imagine. If we can let go into the experience, we join in the adventure of life. A m b i va l e n t Fe e l i n g s Part of this process involves working through our ambivalent feelings toward the growing baby, and the relationship into which they have been conceived. Even the most wanted baby is also not wanted, for all sorts of reasons. Both partners will at some time ask, ‘What have I done?’ Anxieties about our ability to cope are bound to surface; the necessary changes to our life are going to be resented. These feelings are a normal part of the whole experience and can be felt at the same time as pleasurable anticipation. Old ambivalences towards our parents will arise, and the baby will reactivate the mixed feelings about our own birth. Experiencing ambivalent feelings puts us in touch with the baby who was wanted and looked forward to, but also the baby who was worried about and created anxieties and uncertainties – who was both wanted and unwanted. It can 21

LEARNING final pages FINAL

11/10/04

10:52 AM

Page 22

Learning to love

be a painful blow to realise we were not simply the apple of our parents’ eye, that our birth brought negativity as well as hope. Perhaps for the first time we may begin to realise that becoming a parent is not easy. This may mark the beginning of understanding our parents’ thinking when they had us. The purpose of discovering our ambivalence is not to rid ourselves of it, but simply to become aware of it. Just like the baby will feel later when facing the reality of life, we will maintain two contradictory feelings that operate side by side and have opposite intentions, but can nevertheless co-exist. Holding deeply warm and loving feelings toward the developing child and being fiercely attached to their well-being does not preclude feelings of resentment or wishing to turn the clock back: ‘I don’t want to go through with this’, ‘I hate being pregnant’. Both aspects have a place in the human dimension of birth and pregnancy. In fact, denying the negative feelings can be far more harmful – the reality of the situation is that our feelings and thoughts will swing from deeply loving feelings into deep anxieties, fears and resentments. To allow ourselves the privilege of exploring these diverse and contradictory states we need time to come to grips with them and mull them over.

22

LEARNING final pages FINAL

11/10/04

10:52 AM

Page 23

Before the birth

Ti m e a n d Wa i t i n g During pregnancy we are face to face with the realities of time and waiting. The realities of a nine-month pregnancy show us there is nothing we can do to hurry the physiological development of the foetus. Likewise with psychological development. No matter how talented or precocious we are in any area, our emotional and psychological growth follows its own laws of maturation and cannot be hurried. Working through the necessary psychological tasks takes time, and there is no way of avoiding this. Our current ‘hurry-up’ culture does not support the notion of taking time to live through an experience from the inside rather than riding roughshod over it.

23

LEARNING final pages FINAL

11/10/04

10:52 AM

Page 24

Learning to love

Giving ourselves time for a review in which we uncover our feelings, wishes and desires that surround our baby decreases the amount of shock we will experience when the birth comes. We take time to explore any new endeavour – if we buy a new house we take time to look over and compare a number before settling on one. With a new job we allow time to orient ourselves and settle in. We should also allow the mental and emotional time required to settle into our new home of being a parent. Former family patterns and unresolved conflicts will be reactivated and require our attention. We can sort out old patterns of relating with our families of origin. For example, I had looked forward to the time when I would be pregnant, but when it actually happened I was unprepared. I attended university as a mature-age student, and anticipated completing my studies before having a child. My father died during my second year of study, and I subsequently felt unwell. I was taking the contraceptive pill, so attributed my nausea to my emotions about my father’s death. When I finally consulted a doctor and my pregnancy was confirmed I burst into tears. My expected ‘big moment of joy’ didn’t happen – I could only cry. ‘Not now, I’m not ready’, was my reaction. For the next few days I burst into tears very easily and retreated into myself. Given my upbringing, I felt doubts. 24

LEARNING final pages FINAL

11/10/04

10:52 AM

Page 25

Before the birth

Would I be a good mother? My partner was completely bewildered by my reaction. About five days later I got over my initial feelings and, particularly after my morning sickness eased, moved into a much more positive frame of mind. There were deeply satisfying aspects of the pregnancy. The calmness and containment that I felt were deeply pleasurable and I continued my part-time employment until I was six months into the pregnancy. R e v i s i t i n g t h e Pa s t All of us will revisit something of our past. That we have a past is not a problem; that the past revisits us is to be expected. What we can do is think about it rather than just repeat patterns – think it through and make our own choices rather than just bring the past into the new generation. A mother whose mother was abandoned in pregnancy may worry that she also may be abandoned. A father whose father was unfaithful during the pregnancy may also experience the desire for ‘freedom’ and wish to run away from responsibility. Being aware of such feelings enables us to reflect on them rather than simply accept or enact them. Joys can also be reactivated. Mother and daughter can revive or reinvigorate their relationship as they begin to share what it is like to become a mother. Father and son can 25

LEARNING final pages FINAL

11/10/04

10:52 AM

Page 26

Learning to love

find a renewed sense of connection as their understanding of each other expands. For all family members, a connection can be enhanced by the fact of their shared experience. In this process both sides have to allow a little more space for the other. The mother needs to allow for and accept her daughter’s new role, and the daughter to deepen her appreciation of what her mother has accomplished, as she faces the hugeness of the task in front of her. Obviously, these transitions may not always go well and sometimes cannot be negotiated. Parents – the future grandparents – can feel great pride and joy in seeing their children take over their role. They can also be envious of and compete with their children’s increasing abilities, which point out their own failing powers. Mostly these feelings are resolved positively, but often both aspects are felt to some degree. Mixed feelings surround the birth of a baby. In some Asian cultures mothers speak very negatively about their newborn: ‘Oh, she is so ugly’, ‘What a terrible baby’, ‘No one will want this one’, ‘What a disappointment’, ‘The gods must not be pleased with us’. This is a means of frightening off the evil and jealous spirits who may wish to take the baby away. These spirits represent the part of us that cannot bear others to have any happiness that perhaps we were unable to have, and that therefore wish to spoil and destroy it – this 26

LEARNING final pages FINAL

11/10/04

10:52 AM

Page 27

Before the birth

is openly acknowledged in such cultures. Mixed feelings always exist, to a greater or lesser degree, when a baby is announced and it is more helpful to acknowledge their presence than to be unknowingly and unwittingly affected by them. Th e Fo e t u s What of the foetus throughout this time? There is already a growing relationship between the unborn baby and their mother and father. The foetus’ intimate connection with the mother’s physiological and psychological life means that a feeling world surrounds the two of them. Perhaps the foetus feels the mother’s ambivalence and shares her excitement about the future, together with her anxiety. What we do know is that the inner ear of the foetus is completely developed by mid-pregnancy, and the foetus responds to a wide variety of sounds. It seems reasonable to assume that within the womb the foetus begins to attach to the voice of their mother. We also know that the foetus is surrounded by constant loud noises – the rhythmic sound of the uterine blood supply punctuated by the noises of air passing through the mother’s intestine. Loud noises outside the womb reach the foetus who reacts to them. It has also been shown that the foetus’ level of activity increases when the mother is under emotional stress. If the stress is 27

LEARNING final pages FINAL

11/10/04

10:52 AM

Page 28

Learning to love

prolonged there is a corresponding increase (up to ten times the normal level) in foetal movement. With so much happening physically, we can wonder about corresponding mental and emotional states. Conclusion The pregnancy is a time of looking forward to and preparing for the birth of a baby. It can be a time of very positive sharing, if circumstances allow this. Being pregnant can be a wonderful, mellow state where we become preoccupied with our personal lives and gradually withdraw from engagement in the outside world. The wondering, thinking and preparing are all part of the process of moving towards being a parent. At the same time pregnancy brings a range of feelings and challenges. Creating a life confronts us with the possibility of loss of life. Although intensifying our experiences and offering new and pleasurable ones, this knowledge also brings anxieties. We remember past losses in relationships as we accept that although we have created a life we cannot possess it; we have been given a life to nurture and develop, yet each step in that process involves letting go. Our sense of what is possible is challenged as we begin to live within the limitations of pregnancy. If we are to face 28

LEARNING final pages FINAL

11/10/04

10:52 AM

Page 29

Before the birth

reality, we cannot have it all. In fact our lives must change and this wonderful event must have an impact on us. We will need to partner life, to work with it rather than control it, and to learn how to live with and accept time and wait through the pregnancy in nature’s time. This waiting time can be valuable in that it allows us to confront old patterns that may be reactivated. Family patterns from the past may re-emerge and may need to be rethought. We should use the time to ask ourselves, ‘Is this a pattern of relating, a way of behaving that I want to take with me into the next generation, or is it something that I would like to do differently?’ The joys and the responsibilities have begun, as has our relationship with our unborn child.

29

LEARNING final pages FINAL

11/10/04

10:52 AM

Page 30

the birth his is a very special moment for mother, father and baby – one that is full of joy and accomplishment. However, the wonder is accompanied by feelings of shellshock and dislocation, since everything is so new. Here are some thoughts and feelings from one mother just after the birth of her baby:

T

I think about being a mother – I don’t actually feel like a mother. I think it’s still very weird; it’s coming to the reality of it all. I felt very happy … it’s a joy to have the baby around and you see little things about him – it just makes you feel so happy, and so happy to be part of that. To think that you’re responsible for this little life, it’s really incredible, it’s just a little miracle. And I’m definitely glad we’ve had him … I think we will be very happy.

Another mother expressed the changes to herself and to her life differently: I get teary – it seems to be like every second day when I’m

30

LEARNING final pages FINAL

11/10/04

10:52 AM

Page 31

The birth just a bit teary and everything … it is so sort of new to me … I’m not usually a teary person at all. And I was thinking, ooh what is it, and you know, it is because I’m not coping, and I’m thinking I’m doing all the right things; it was just a completely new experience – the whole thing – and you start thinking, I’m attached to this thing forever!

O u r Fi r s t M e e t i n g The birth is the moment of our first meeting with the new baby and their first meeting with us. The rooting reflex (when the baby seeks the nipple) is the physical manifestation of this psychological fact. The baby has a built-in reflex to meet their immediate partner, the mother, and to suck; to work together in the task of survival and development. The support for this new couple is provided by the father, who will protect and nurture the pair and gradually assist them to join him in creating a family. He is an intimate and necessary part of the process. The father’s main role at this time is to help the mother and his baby link together well and to protect them from disturbances that could shatter the tentative bonds being established. This is a very generous act, as the father is asked to step back and help his newborn occupy a special and intimate place with 31

LEARNING final pages FINAL

11/10/04

10:52 AM

Page 32

Learning to love

his partner and support them becoming close to each other. When I look back on the birth of my own child I can see that circumstances did not, at that time, help my baby and me come together in this way. I had read about and practised the breathing exercises, taken note of the various stages of labour, and anticipated that my husband would be with me throughout the labour. Life being what it is, however, nothing went quite as expected. On my last visit to my obstetrician before the birth, he said that he was going on holidays and because I was so close to term he would put me in hospital the following Tuesday and induce the baby. I was taken aback and asked some questions about induction, but was made to feel that I was worrying unnecessarily. He had already made plans and in his view I was adequately provided for. Having seen him throughout 32

LEARNING final pages FINAL

11/10/04

10:52 AM

Page 33

The birth

my pregnancy it was hard to envisage finding another obstetrician at that very late date, and I reluctantly agreed. Once in the hospital I found I was not alone. My doctor had four other patients all lined up for inductions. Not having prepared for this contingency I began to feel a little out of control of the birth, especially when I seemed to rapidly move into an advanced stage of labour without building up to it gradually. I had difficulty controlling my breathing and, perhaps because of the difficulties, my husband decided to leave temporarily. I felt panicky and in deep pain, and was gasping for breath. The nurses were extremely busy and I felt alone and frightened. Many hours later I was taken to the delivery room and almost immediately a pethidine mask was put on my face. I had previously decided that I didn’t want drugs but the sister insisted it would help. Just as my baby was about to be born the obstetrician arrived and my husband returned. They were introduced and began chatting amiably to each other. With a lot of pushing and an epidural, my daughter was born. She was shown to her father then whisked away. I asked where she had gone, and I think the nurse said she had gone to the next floor to be weighed. I felt bereft: I hadn’t even had a chance to cuddle my baby or nurse her, and now she was gone! Fortunately, most hospitals do not behave this way today, but sometimes 33

LEARNING final pages FINAL

11/10/04

10:52 AM

Page 34

Learning to love

it is still difficult for staff to remember that the human element is an important part of medical procedures. Another painful memory is of a young European mother who was not treated well by hospital staff because she did not breastfeed her baby. There are many reasons for mothers not to breastfeed. Sometimes new mothers need distance from the intimacy of breastfeeding, allowing them a safe space from which to gradually enter the mother–baby relationship. It is up to each mother and baby to find their way of being comfortable with each other. Bottlefed babies can be well-loved and well-connected if they are held and nursed and can gaze at their mother. O u r Fi r s t S e p a r at i o n With birth, a huge milestone is passed. It is the first major separation that mother and baby have to face, and the first separation that needs to be worked through. Towards the end of pregnancy the mother feels impatient to move on. Her body is cumbersome and progressively less mobile, and it is natural to reach a point of wanting to work with the baby to bring them into the world. If possible we should help in every way to allow the birth to happen in a natural way, mother and baby working together with dad’s support. Circumstances will not always be what we want but we can try to make the best of them, 34

LEARNING final pages FINAL

11/10/04

10:52 AM

Page 35

The birth

remembering what is important in the situation and doing our best to achieve that. Facilitating the bond between mother and baby should be the central focus of any birth. Being as drug-free as possible allows the natural euphoria of childbirth to be experienced, and this can be an important part of mother and baby getting together. In terms of emotional development it is the mother–baby bond, with support from the father who in turn develops his own intimate relationship with the baby, that forms the basis for all our subsequent relationships. This is the means by which we as children develop a sense of self. The mother–baby world expands when the baby is introduced to the father by the mother, and to other siblings. Throughout our life the strength and character of these relationships will influence how we relate to other individuals and groups. Clinical studies, infant research and observational studies of children from birth have helped us to understand better what is occurring between the mother and baby. The understanding is a matter of piecing together what is happening for both sides, an imaginative exercise of wondering, ‘tuning in’ and ‘being with’ what is taking place. What must it be like to be the baby in this situation? What must it be like to be the mother/father in this situation? 35

LEARNING final pages FINAL

11/10/04

10:52 AM

Page 36

Learning to love

This is the journey of empathy, putting ourselves in someone else’s shoes. It is also about the making of a human being with human sensibilities, the ability to care, to wonder, to feel with and for another. Taking this journey can also provoke feelings that we have long put aside, and we may resist letting the journey unfold even as we are simultaneously willing to take it. ‘Being with’ the Baby For nine months the foetus has grown and developed inside the mother, inside a sac of fluid that has (under normal circumstances) remained at a steady temperature. The experience of hot and cold is alien to the foetus – they are used to a warm and constant temperature to which they are perfectly adapted. Around that fluid are the firm walls of the uterus which provide a safe container within which the foetus can swim around, change position and stretch. The uterus provides a safe boundary, preventing a sense of being lost and a feeling of ‘I don’t know where I am’. Food intake is also constant. The automatic process of nutrients being passed to the foetus through the umbilical cord means hunger is not experienced. The foetus does not know the difference between full and empty, since the supply of nutrients is always there. Also, the foetus’ senses are adapted to a low level of light and noise. As the foetus 36

LEARNING final pages FINAL

11/10/04

10:52 AM

Page 37

The birth

does not live in a gaseous medium they don’t breathe – their developing lung capacity comes into use only when they are born. In normal circumstances, the birth process begins with the mutual labour of baby and mother. Having matured, the foetus feels ready to leave their cocooned and protective environment and fulfil their potential outside. No doubt the newborn is pleased with this achievement, but there are many hazards to face. First, the newborn has to breathe. This is no mean feat, since all their air passages have to be cleared. After taking the first breath a kaleidoscope of new experiences confronts the baby. Nothing now is automatic, nothing known, nothing predictable – all is different. Having breathed, the baby may wish to open their eyes, usually seeing light that is stronger than that to which they have been accustomed. Sounds are also much louder. For the first time the baby is going to experience the sensation of hot and cold air hitting the sense receptors on their skin. In the face of such sensory experiences the baby may wonder where their warm and safe place is gone – indeed they feel lost, without boundaries and without the safe, containing uterine walls: ‘Where do I begin and where do I end?’ Losing the enveloping arms of the uterus that provided constant protection shows the baby their vulnerability and 37

LEARNING final pages FINAL

11/10/04

10:52 AM

Page 38

Learning to love

helplessness, hence their need for holding in the parents’ secure arms, firm wrapping and being held in the mind of the parents. Without support, the baby experiences a sense of what has been called ‘nameless dread’: ‘Can I make it now that I am living outside the womb?’, ‘Will I be able to bear being "out there"?’ In the starkest form of dread the baby wonders, ‘Will I live or will I die?’ Having experienced birth, the infant now faces the possibility of death. No wonder babies cry – and little wonder we are highly anxious about our offspring in the early months. In time, reliable responses from the parents can serve to lessen the baby’s anxieties and help them develop a sense of trust in the world and their carers, a trust that what they need will usually be provided. This is not an easy task. Food, that previously was constantly available, becomes an ‘on/off’ phenomenon. The breast or bottle provides comfort and relief. Although pleasurable it is also hard work – the baby doesn’t get anything for nothing any more! At the end of the feed, when feeling good, the source of comfort goes away. This coming and going creates worries and anxieties. It also provides the basis of learning and growth, in the paradoxical way of the human condition. The baby begins to wonder, ‘Where has that source of food come from?’ ‘Why did it go away?’ ‘Who does it belong to?’ ‘When will it come back?’ 38

LEARNING final pages FINAL

11/10/04

10:52 AM

Page 39

The birth

Newborn babies are unable to feed themselves. Not being able to gain nourishment independently means they are totally dependent on the thing/breast/person that comes and goes. With its arrival there is a sense of security: it is warm, has arms to hold firmly, provides milk that can fill the empty stomach. But the baby has to work for it, to suck. They also have to wait between feeding times. It is possible that thinking begins to takes place in the absence of the mother. The baby naturally begins to wonder about how the world works as they adapt to living outside the womb. Like us, the baby needs time to understand how everything operates on the outside. We shouldn’t avoid the problem by leaving the baby permanently attached to mother’s breast, but understand and help them to come to grips with the new and vastly different world. The baby’s main form of communication at this time is to let us know what they are feeling. Just as we know when our partner or friend is feeling good or unhappy, we get to know the ‘feeling tone’ of the baby. We begin to know whether they are content or hungry, need holding or are sleepy. Feelings of bewilderment, distress, frustration, rage, terror and joy will all be shared as the baby’s way of making their experiences understood. The mother can feel overwhelmed at times but that is also part of the communication that the baby is making – that is how they feel. 39

LEARNING final pages FINAL

11/10/04

10:52 AM

Page 40

Learning to love

In this early stage it is important for someone to be in touch with the baby’s feelings and to identify with them by wondering about what the baby might be going through. Someone needs to be preoccupied with and attentive to the baby’s nuances. This reverie acts as a ‘mental skin’ which holds the parts of the baby’s personality together and prevents the very early anxiety of falling apart, or feeling unheld. With very limited capacity for thought and little memory, the baby needs time to build up a picture of their main carer and to then establish a relationship. If, however, the baby is allowed to be overwhelmed by inexplicable feelings, too often they will either cut off from these feelings or remain in a disintegrated or confused state. If we, as a result of our own experiences, are afraid to 40

LEARNING final pages FINAL

11/10/04

10:52 AM

Page 41

The birth

confront that level of helplessness in ourselves we may attack or be unresponsive to the baby because they provoke our own feelings of vulnerability. The vulnerability of the baby is both deeply engaging and hard to bear at times. Babies have individual ways of communicating their likes and dislikes. We have to observe and take notice, so that gradually we can determine if our baby likes to be tightly wrapped or not, or which is the most comfortable way for them to feed. We have to take the time to find out what suits our baby. ‘Being with’ the Mother Not only the baby has an exciting but difficult journey at birth. The mother has also been through a trauma and she will need to talk through her birth experience, in detail, many times. Her partner and family can help by listening and taking an interest in reliving the experience with her. Other mothers in the hospital mostly feel the same, and they should take the opportunity to exchange experiences. Leaving hospital within a couple of days can mean that mothers miss the opportunity to work through the birth experience; talking it through is a necessary and important thing to do. The birth experience can preoccupy the mother if it isn’t resolved, and can get in the way of her ‘meeting’ her new baby. Because of her heightened sensitivity the mother also 41

LEARNING final pages FINAL

11/10/04

10:52 AM

Page 42

Learning to love

needs an unusual degree of protection and support and this is an important role and function for her partner. A woman I knew was placed in a two-bed room in the hospital with a highly agitated drug addict. The drug-addicted mother was disruptive, which was not only hard on the staff but very disturbing to the other mother who needed to focus her attention on herself, her baby and her relationship. Someone, ideally her partner or, failing that, the hospital staff, should have recognised her need for protection and safety at such a vulnerable time. Leaving the new couple exposed at such an important time is not helpful. Disruptions should be kept to a minimum. A friend was told of a relative’s death, just after giving birth. News of this nature can be given later, when the mother and baby’s grasp on life is stronger and less tenuous. 42

LEARNING final pages FINAL

11/10/04

10:52 AM

Page 43

The birth

The mother’s mind and body are very open, vulnerable and receptive. These are adaptive mechanisms that allow her to be attuned to her baby and in the state of maternal preoccupation necessary for the baby’s well-being. Her heightened sensitivity will help her relate to the baby’s needs, and the baby needs the mother to intuit what they may need or want. Both have to make allowances in this ‘getting-to-know-you’ phase. With good support from her partner the mother can ‘let go’ into her relationship with her baby and ‘go with’ the rhythm that they establish together. Likewise, mother and father need time to get to know each other in a different way. The mother will need her partner to support her mothering, to encourage her in her ‘job’ and be sensitive to her more vulnerable state of mind. The getting-to-know-you phase is not automatic or instant. Just like any new relationship, it takes time to adjust to each other and learn what the other is like. ‘ B e i n g w i t h ’ t h e Fat h e r The mother has to realise that carrying the baby for the duration of the pregnancy gives her a headstart in forming a connection with her baby. The father needs a little more time to come to grips with the reality of what has happened and, while excited about the birth, he needs time to find his way of relating to the baby. Fathers often recall their 43

LEARNING final pages FINAL

11/10/04

10:52 AM

Page 44

Learning to love

childhood experiences and reflect on how they would like to relate to their child as they grow. As one father put it: It is difficult for me to know how to be a father – my father was a very busy man. He felt it was the right thing to be spending time doing his work and was often not at home so I don’t really have a good model for what it means to be a father. Also I am the youngest and I’ve never been in a situation where there’s been a baby around.

To another father it was a time to review how he wanted to relate to his child and how he would like to be a father, compared to the fathering he received: Basically we had a good upbringing, although I wasn’t all that close to my dad. One thing we didn’t do was talk about things very much, and I would like that to be different – that we could discuss things more.

Often fathers can feel confused about their role at this time and can feel left out of the intimacy between their partner and their baby. Talking about his wife and baby, one father said: My wife wasn’t feeling confident about her ability to be able to feed the baby, and I was trying to tell her that she was doing really well. The first day she was feeding the baby was very difficult. The baby’s learning how to do it, and mum’s learning how to do it, and the father feels as useful as pockets on a singlet.

44

LEARNING final pages FINAL

11/10/04

10:52 AM

Page 45

The birth

Most wish for and support the developing relationship, but are unsure of their role in the new family. Often, while the mothers are engrossed with the new baby, the fathers carry the worry about the family’s future, particularly in relation to financial concerns. Fathers often bear the responsibility of being the sole breadwinner and, even if the role is only temporary, it can be stressful. C o m m u n i c at i n g w i t h E a c h O t h e r The most important way in which the baby communicates is by sharing their feelings with the mother for her to understand and articulate. It is important for the new parents to work out not only what their own feelings are at this time, but also the feelings the baby is communicating. In the early weeks the baby’s vulnerability and fragility will be very apparent and the mother’s hypersensitivity will assist her in empathising with her baby and sensing what is going on. The baby’s helplessness and vulnerability will be reflected in the mother’s care and handling. Feeling the vulnerability does not mean that we should treat the baby as if they are about to break, like a piece of china, at any moment. The baby needs to know that they will be gently but firmly handled. Being handled too preciously will reinforce the baby’s anxiety: it is important to let the baby feel confident that we have some idea of what we are doing. 45

LEARNING final pages FINAL

11/10/04

10:52 AM

Page 46

Learning to love

However, we must remember that a baby is not a sack of potatoes, unaware, unfeeling and lacking in consciousness. A nurse actually told me that it didn’t really matter what I did to my baby for the first six weeks because she was ‘Like a vegetable, just feed and clean it and don’t worry!’ It is important to follow a middle path of gentle but firm handling, remembering that babies are quite resilient. Even at this early time the baby’s characteristics can become evident, and potential patterns in the relationship between mother and child can emerge. I was intimately involved with a couple having their first child. On my first visit to the hospital the mother, June, was clearly delighted with the birth of her son, Michael. June was wearing shorts and a t-shirt because she preferred to be dressed rather than wear a nightgown during the day. She told me details of the birth and showed me a bruise on the side of Michael’s face. 46

LEARNING final pages FINAL

11/10/04

10:52 AM

Page 47

The birth

June’s comment was, ‘He didn’t want to come out, even with the caesar’. Looking back now, I can see that even early on there was tension between June and Michael, due to their different personalities. Such differences are bound to occur between mother and baby, as they do in all partnerships. June was anxious to get on with life and immediately dressed in her normal clothes: baby Michael hadn’t really wanted to come out! June attempted to bridge the birth separation by linking her before-and-after experiences with Michael. She commented that: It is interesting seeing the things he did inside, on the outside. Like when he shudders, I used to feel him do that inside. Also the hiccups and certain kicks and movements, I see him do them and think, ‘That’s what he used to do’.

June also created links to his father by talking to Michael about how good his father was at pacifying him, and how good it was going to be when they were home together. E v e ry o n e i s O v e r w h e l m e d The mother, like her baby, naturally feels overwhelmed by all that has happened to her. She needs time and space to process these events, and further anxieties can only add to the overload. However, busy hospital wards are not always easy places to create a peaceful environment. A few days 47

LEARNING final pages FINAL

11/10/04

10:52 AM

Page 48

Learning to love

after the birth, hormones make many mothers feel quite teary. This is normal, and may be an expression of the loss of the union between mother and baby when the baby was in the womb. The hospital system may create a problem of who ‘owns’ the baby – the parents or the hospital staff. A few days after my daughter’s birth I walked past the nursery between feeds. In those days babies were only given to the mother every four hours, for a feed. I heard my baby crying quite loudly and in a great deal of distress. I told the sister that it was my baby who was crying and asked if I could pick her up – only to be told that she would be delivered at the usual time for her feed and that I couldn’t go into the nursery area. I remember saying, dumbfounded, ‘But it’s my baby and she’s upset.’ I was refused access and in my sensitive state soon started crying. I felt powerless, standing there in my dressing-gown and slippers and feeling that I had no rights. This would be much less likely to happen today, yet in some ways elements of the problem still exist. If a mother has a baby who needs more care due to medical difficulties she will need to ‘fight’ within herself to remain the main person in her baby’s life. It is easy to feel that you have created enough of a problem by not producing a perfect child, and hand over responsibility for the baby’s care to the nursery and medical staff. Staff may 48

LEARNING final pages FINAL

11/10/04

10:52 AM

Page 49

The birth

unconsciously imply that they can care for the baby better than we can. However there is no one who can better provide the emotional connection than the parents, and all concerned need to remember that this bond should remain paramount. The moment of birth is a special moment. There is probably no other time for parents and baby as full of creativity for all concerned, as when a new life comes into the world. However, the other side to this magic is the trauma of change and loss that both mother and baby feel. They will need the warm acceptance of the father and other support people to help them deal with this event. This moment of creativity, like life, cannot be perfect. No one can be the perfect mother, father or baby. As always in life, events and circumstances that we cannot control will come into play, but we can do our best, within the limitations in which we operate, to make the meeting as special as possible. Conclusion The birth is the point of meeting, a coming together of the mother, baby and father, and it is this meeting that should take centre stage. The mother–baby partnership requires the father to protect and keep them safe from intrusion and harm, since they are particularly vulnerable at this time. All 49

LEARNING final pages FINAL

11/10/04

10:52 AM

Page 50

Learning to love

parties have had a major life experience: it is important to wonder about the mother’s experience and what she has been through; what the baby has experienced and the changes that they will have to negotiate as a result of the birth; and how all of this has affected the father. There is a lot to be processed. The mother, father and baby need support from others – grandparents, extended family and friends – to help them respond to their new world. Support from others is a necessity.

50

LEARNING final pages FINAL

11/10/04

10:52 AM

Page 51

the first six weeks aving faced the enormous changes of birth, how does the baby and new family deal with the upheaval to their lives in the first six weeks? Perhaps the best response to this question is to live through it. It is a time to just experience whatever is happening rather than trying to control events. The new family members all need time to sort things out, and all that can be done is to live through the chaos and not shortcut the process of getting to know each other. It is best not to panic or rush things. Endurance is the main ingredient. We may not know how things will work out, but they do work out eventually if we hang in there. There are two main areas of learning. First, mother, father and baby need to work together to ease the baby into becoming aware that they now live outside the womb. Mother and father also need to adjust to their new lives. Second, the baby comes into the world ready and able to

H

51

LEARNING final pages FINAL

11/10/04

10:52 AM

Page 52

Learning to love

help their parents know what they need and want. The baby will also respond to the changes taking place by beginning to divide the world into experiences that they like or don’t like. A discussion of these two areas forms the basis of this chapter. I must admit that when my baby was newly born I had an intense desire to protect her from all difficulty and distress. Although this attitude was useful in the very early weeks, as she grew it became increasingly unadaptive and unhelpful in assisting her to cope with a world where all things are not instant and not always as we might want them to be. A more useful attitude would have been to acknowledge the difficulties my baby was having, while helping her to gradually find her place in the new world into which she had been born. S e p a r at i n g f r o m t h e Wo m b Being a newborn does not mean there is a little person yet, in the usual sense of the word. It is more like being full of sensations. Experiences from outside the baby, for example how they are picked up, and from inside, such as hunger pains and colic, are constantly affecting the newborn, who has very few mechanisms for dealing with these ‘intrusions’. The newborn looks to their mother to help regulate sleeping, feeding and waking cycles. Much of the 52

LEARNING final pages FINAL

11/10/04

10:52 AM

Page 53

The first six weeks

relationship centres on those activities, as the baby offers subtle cues as to what they want. During this early time the arms and the lap of the mother act almost as an extension of the womb, and there is still little differentiation between mother and baby. Where mother begins and ends, and baby begins and ends, is not always clear. This process – of being in a place where the arms and the lap are like the outside womb, and a sense of being separate from the womb is gradually introduced – needs to be handled with great sensitivity and care. All babies, like all mothers, have to deal with the fact of their physical separateness, and babies need to be ‘let down’ gradually into this reality. It is true that the baby is gradually developing in terms of their capacity to relate. If the mother or parents can identify with what it must be like to be the baby, to think and reflect on the baby’s position, the baby will gradually be drawn into the relationship with their parents. A baby’s natural instinct is to seek contact, and they are drawn to the human form and to the human face as a means of making this connection. Initially, in order to survive, the baby has to respond to the world in terms of internal needs and will therefore look to the parents for what they need to ensure their survival. The parents’ reliability, consistency and care are important 53

LEARNING final pages FINAL

11/10/04

10:52 AM

Page 54

Learning to love

aspects here. Therefore, the baby responds to the mother in terms of her functions. At the same time the baby will respond to the mother’s voice and smell, and seek continual contact with her as the one who carried the baby inside the womb. Th e B a b y g i v e s C u e s While the baby is becoming acquainted with how the world works, they are also well-equipped to enter into a twoperson relationship and are very much attuned to forming that relationship with their carers. The baby is able to give very good cues to the parents about what they need. Establishing this secure relationship will be the baby’s aim at this time, and they will signal when they are tired, hungry or in need of holding. The baby will also connect through finding and holding the gaze of the mother. This is an important way in which the baby feels grounded and held. Holding the gaze is like feeling that they are in the ‘grip’ of the mother and therefore are secure and safe. When the baby’s survival is assured they will be able to enter into the type of relationship where a real meeting takes place and a two-way partnership is established. As mothers, we can sometimes feel overwhelmed by the baby seeking to have their needs met and, particularly if our own needs have not been adequately responded to, we may 54

LEARNING final pages FINAL

11/10/04

10:52 AM

Page 55

The first six weeks

think of the baby as only taking from us. We may be disappointed that the new baby cannot give us what we missed out on and are still waiting for. We may feel related to as a ‘thing’, like a cow, when in fact the baby just wants to stay alive. This is a necessary stage of development for the baby, which we need to understand and respond to. It is through the mother that the baby will learn that they exist, are alive and are fundamentally ‘acceptable’ and lovable. A woman came to see me, highly successful in her area of expertise but with a chaotic personal life, seeking therapy to help get her life together. Over time changes took place, her life on the personal level began to improve and she established a good ongoing relationship. There was still, however a sense of underlying deadness and flatness to her. We referred to this state as ‘going into her coffin’. Although much had been explored we reached even further back into 55

LEARNING final pages FINAL

11/10/04

10:52 AM

Page 56

Learning to love

her childhood, and found that as a baby she had not been responded to. In her early weeks and months she had been treated as a lump of flesh only, not someone with potential to think and feel. Her mother had obviously held the attitude that a baby was like a vegetable and hence regarded her new baby as a lump of something that was not quite human. The result was a lack of emotional passion in this lovely young woman. By exploring her early states of mind we were able to bring alive her baby self, and with it her ability to deeply engage in life, and her relationship with me and her new partner. H o l d i n g t h e B a b y ’ s Fe e l i n g s If the baby is initially seeking the parents as partners in responding to their needs and only gradually comes into a relationship with them, how do they develop a sense of being someone? How does the baby begin to feel that their experiences are being held together, rather than out of control and continually assaulting them? This usually takes place through the mother, who by her preoccupation and attentive, reflective care gradually enables the baby to feel secure and held; the baby is experiencing the world but is not overwhelmed by it. The mother, through her maternal reverie, forms a mental skin around the stream of sensations that is her 56

LEARNING final pages FINAL

11/10/04

10:52 AM

Page 57

The first six weeks

baby. When experiences escalate, both pleasurable and unpleasurable, someone needs to be there to help the baby deal with the high level of stimulation or anxiety. By knowing about the baby’s feelings the mother helps to make them more bearable. Because the baby sees that their mother knows and understands the feelings, they become less overwhelming and part of normal life for the baby. It is at this stage that mother and baby, with father’s support, are trying to deal with the questions of ‘Where do things come from?’ and ‘Who are you and who am I?’ A sneeze, a large bowel movement or a door banging can startle a little baby. It is the mother’s function to address what is happening and show the baby the cause of their reaction. In this way the mother can help make sense of the world for the baby. Through this process the baby is able to feel centred by the mother: ‘You got a fright when you sneezed’. B e g i n n i n g a n d E n d i n g Fe e d s In a similar way, it is possible to assist the baby to make transitions. At the beginning and the end of a feed we can watch for signals so that we know when to connect the baby to the breast and when they are finished. As the baby is gradually more awake at these times we can talk to them about these transitions in a soothing way. It is easier to understand the depth of a baby’s distress if, 57

LEARNING final pages FINAL

11/10/04

10:52 AM

Page 58

Learning to love

for example, we realise that seeing the breast move away at the end of a feed can be like losing ourselves. If the ‘little separations’ such as ending a feed, going to sleep or finishing a bath can be talked through soothingly the baby will feel less threatened by what they may otherwise feel to be abrupt and meaningless changes that are forced upon them, rather than something they are prepared for. June, the mother of baby Michael, used another way of soothing transitions. She spent many of the early days at home taking Michael for long walks, in a baby sling. This made Michael content and seemed to re-create a sense of connection with the womb, giving him time to adjust to his new life outside the womb. ‘Soft’ and ‘Hard’ Experiences In the face of new stimuli the baby will begin to attempt to structure the world by dividing their experiences into ‘soft’ and ‘hard’ ones. Soft experiences are the warm, holding, feeding ones, when the baby feels ‘held’ both mentally and emotionally. Hard experiences may be being unwrapped and having a nappy changed, needing to be bathed, being put down to sleep, or experiencing discomfort and pain. These experiences force the baby to realise that they now live outside the womb. Gradually, as adjustments are made, the newborn faces the new reality. 58

LEARNING final pages FINAL

11/10/04

10:52 AM

Page 59

The first six weeks

Soft experiences such as holding and feeding enable the baby to again feel ‘at one’ with the mother, and hard experiences emphasise the fact that the baby is now a separate being. Both aspects are important if the baby is to develop. In the early weeks we endeavour to be sympathetic, empathising with the baby’s position and minimising major stresses and disruptions, but the baby is also involved in a learning process that requires our support and help. An example is having a bath. For many babies the initial experience of being unwrapped and immersed in water can be distressing. Without the blankets that hold them firmly and the clothes that keep them warm, the unwrapped baby can feel exposed and highly vulnerable. The enveloping walls of the uterus which provided a sense of security have gone. 59

LEARNING final pages FINAL

11/10/04

10:52 AM

Page 60

Learning to love

Even if they find baths upsetting, however, we don’t decide never to give a baby a bath in order to prevent them experiencing distress. To assist the baby we may initially speak soothingly and reassuringly, and may make the bath brief. Accommodation is made but the task is not abandoned and quite frequently, within a week or so, the baby can relax enough to discover that the experience can be a joyful one. The baby is not told ‘You have to do this for your own good so you might as well get used to it’ nor ‘You poor thing, you don’t like that so we won’t do it any more’.

A middle path – helping the baby through a difficult learning experience – seems to offer parent and baby the best hope of mutual satisfaction from working at their task of developing a partnership. What happens if there are not enough soft or hard 60

LEARNING final pages FINAL

11/10/04

10:52 AM

Page 61

The first six weeks

experiences? Without enough soft experiences – comfort, warmth, feeding, physical holding, attention to needs and psychological holding – what must it be like for the baby? The baby will feel insecure, tense and left alone to cope with the fact that their mother/father/carer is not sufficiently available. The fact that they receive inadequate care is beyond their capacity to understand, so they turn against themselves rather than face the psychological truth. If someone doesn’t pick the baby up often enough the baby may think that it is because they aren’t liked, don’t smell right or are ugly or stupid. Whatever it is, the baby will blame themselves for the lack of soft experiences.

61

LEARNING final pages FINAL

11/10/04

10:52 AM

Page 62

Learning to love

Some babies will develop a muscular armour, holding their body tensely in response to the lack of arms into which they can sink their floppy bodies. In the absence of being held, they will do the holding. Of course we must remember that babies vary in their normal degree of relaxation. Some babies are born relaxed, while others take longer and need more encouragement to feel at home in the world. Women who find this phase of motherhood hard often have difficult histories themselves – their mothers were unable to provide for them emotionally. It is a community responsibility to see that mothers or carers are adequately supported to achieve their task, or they are being asked to do the impossible. If not enough hard experiences occur the baby can’t make the psychological transition from the womb to the outside world. In a psychological sense, it becomes difficult for the baby to find their own identity and personality, and they can forever feel dependent on another to get by in the world. As we have noted before, at birth and in the early weeks the mother is in a heightened state of sensitivity to her baby, and the baby continues to experience themselves as part of the mother. Both mother and baby feel that without the other, something is missing. In this way there remains a sense that they are still united. 62

LEARNING final pages FINAL

11/10/04

10:52 AM

Page 63

The first six weeks

Gradually and with good care inside the mental and emotional womb that the mother provides, the baby faces reality and psychological integrations begin to take place. A little person begins to form. If this does not occur the baby remains overconnected to the mother. In this state there is a sense of oneness with the mother, and there is little in the way of psychological life that belongs to the baby. The birth of their personality is less able to take place. If a mother was not helped to separate from her own mother, she must think carefully about how she can help this process occur with her own baby. Need for Outside Support All mothers need support and help because a baby is such an enormous responsibility. The most important support hopefully comes from the father, and from family and friends. Mothers can only give support to their baby if their own needs are met. As mothers we need to mobilise whatever support we can – it is important to learn to accept help. Having help is not just a luxury but a necessity, which enables us to be there for our baby. Being there for them requires someone being there for us. In some cultures family members provide all meals and perform all household duties for the first six weeks after birth, to enable 63

LEARNING final pages FINAL

11/10/04

10:52 AM

Page 64

Learning to love

the mother to concentrate on her relationship with her baby. Although this doesn’t usually happen in Australia, the need is the same. The mother will need a supportive environment so that she can stay in touch with her heightened sensitive state. Being an understanding mother requires an understanding partner, and the new family needs support if they are to fulfil the demands of their new life. In these early weeks it is important for the father to acknowledge the woman’s mothering and help her feel comfortable and competent in her new role. It is helpful if he can let her know that her efforts are valued. This is even more important in a society that doesn’t place much value on her important task. The father also needs support to deal with the changes in his life. Fathers also struggle as the world outside the family continues to make demands and makes little allowance for their new life. The first six weeks were not easy for June, Michael and Nick, the father. On my first visit to their home after the birth June greeted me with: This is our Jekyll and Hyde. I got fed up with him the other night and said to Nick, ‘Here you are, you have him’. Then on Sunday night Nick was trying to settle him from 11.30 p.m. to l a.m. and eventually came in and said, ‘Here

64

LEARNING final pages FINAL

11/10/04

10:52 AM

Page 65

The first six weeks you are, you have him’. The first few nights were awful. He cried a lot of the time and the worst thing is you don’t know what is wrong with them.

Michael was not a content, sleepy newborn able to ease his parents into parenthood. Many babies are sleepy in the first few weeks then gradually cry more around three weeks when some realisation of their separateness starts to dawn. Others cry in the first weeks in response to the birth, then gradually settle. The rupture of birth had clearly disturbed Michael, who because of the Caesarean section hadn’t been able to trigger his birth in his time, and he needed a lot of reassurance. Michael’s anxiety about his survival was strong and he required constant interaction. June then realised that it was time to change Michael’s nappy. As soon as June put him on the floor, Michael cried. June said, ‘Come on, it’s not as bad as all that’, but Michael tensed his body and continued protesting. When June had finished changing the nappy she picked him up, saying, ‘Come on little fellow’, and although the crying eased it didn’t stop. After cleaning his eyes (he had ‘sticky eye’) June put him to her breast. Michael sucked immediately, firmly and quietly, and his fretfulness evaporated. June said: It’s like magic. you know. I think if he could he would just hang on to me for the whole time he is fretful. He could sit on the breast for the whole four hours of his disturbed

65

LEARNING final pages FINAL

11/10/04

10:52 AM

Page 66

Learning to love time, but you couldn’t do that. One thing that does soothe him is his bath. Nick or I go and sit with him in the water and he is immediately quiet. That lasts about l5 minutes, then we pace the floor.

After about a twenty-minute feed on that breast June said, ‘That’s about enough there, I think’, and gently removed Michael and began rubbing his back. How to end feeds, and later limiting solids, was an issue between Michael and June: June felt that he had had enough and Michael always wanted more. This was an important issue for them to work out. Conclusion The first six weeks are a challenging time. Mother and baby are highly attuned to each other and parents have the difficult task of protecting and acting sensitively towards their newborn, and at the same time easing the baby towards the full realisation of separateness from the mother. The mother’s ability to understand what the baby is experiencing, and her thoughtful care, will gradually give her baby a psychological skin into which a psychological self can be born. Physical birth is separate from psychological birth, which comes later. In the beginning the baby will gradually try to organise their world in an attempt to make it more manageable. At

66

LEARNING final pages FINAL

11/10/04

10:52 AM

Page 67

The first six weeks

this stage mum, dad and baby are all attempting to move from feeling overwhelmed to a more manageable situation. That is about all that can be achieved at this time and tooearly interventions, such as organising sleep patterns, are not necessarily helpful. It is important for the baby and mother to find their own rhythm and follow that for the time being. Being spoilt is not really an issue at this early stage. What is important is that there are many feelings on all sides to be processed and understood.

67

LEARNING final pages FINAL

11/10/04

10:52 AM

Page 68

six to twelve weeks y this age the baby well and truly recognises their parents and will smile in response to consistent care. Father, mother and baby are getting to know each other a little better and the mutual recognition is acknowledged on all sides. The chaotic world that existed just after the birth becomes a little less chaotic. Although they are still finding their way, some more organisation and routine is usually possible. Babies love the rhythm of a routine, which helps them to locate who they are. Not a routine that is rigidly applied but one that takes them into account and is shaped by their needs, but at the same time is predictable and reliable. This helps them feel that the new world is a little more manageable, as they struggle to sort out how it works.

B

Th e Fa l l i n g - i n - L ov e P h a s e In this period there is an intensification of the relationship 68

LEARNING final pages FINAL

11/10/04

10:52 AM

Page 69

Six to twelve weeks

between mother, father and baby, who begin to ‘fall in love’ with each other. A lot of eye-to-eye contact is sought on both sides, and smiling increases in a way that is responsive and infectious. Babies begin to ‘coo’ and engage mothers in imitating them. This is a wonderfully social time.

While falling in love, the parents and baby naturally feel the intense highs and lows and ups and downs of that experience. The world can be complete one minute and fall apart the next. As one mother put it: You notice your life a lot more when you have a baby. It has meaning to it – you feel depressed, you feel happy, you feel wonderful when they smile, you have so many more emotions that you are aware of, more than you did before. It’s hard to believe that a baby does that. You are so aware of everything that goes on around you and you are so protective.

69

LEARNING final pages FINAL

11/10/04

10:52 AM

Page 70

Learning to love I never thought that I would be so protective, and I never thought I would feel so much for a child, even though I still feel really tired and really weak for some reason and it’s a real effort to get up to him. When he smiles his whole face lights up and it makes everything worth it; the tiredness, the late nights, the feeding and the grumpiness, it makes it all worthwhile. You have your down times too, when he cries and you can’t settle him and you think, ‘What did I do this for?’ Your moods do swing, they swing a lot.

Another mother was surprised about how well things had gone: I think in the beginning I didn’t really know how I would feel about motherhood and babyhood, but I would say to anyone that I would recommend it. Even the bits that I thought would be really dreadful haven’t been that bad. I’ve just enjoyed it, and I would recommend it to anyone.

The early distinction between soft and hard experiences is now clearer for the baby. They build an idea of a mother who soothes or a mother who can’t fix everything, and as mothers we are both. We supply what they need so that they feel secure and comforted, but at other times we cannot make everything better even though we want to. A real mother, as opposed to the non-existent ideal one, is one who understands often enough what her baby needs. 70

LEARNING final pages FINAL

11/10/04

10:52 AM

Page 71

Six to twelve weeks

This means that the baby is fed when hungry, put to sleep when tired, left alone to look at something of interest, and responded to and held when needing comfort. These are critical experiences which create the baby’s basic trust in the parents and a sense that the world is a good place. ‘Good Enough’ Mothering The idea of ‘good enough’ mothering is important. The term recognises that empathising with the baby won’t happen all the time, but if it happens enough of the time all will go well. Enough ‘in tune’ parenting means that the growing baby will be able to deal with some situations where they are not getting the gratification they want, can wait for what they need or can manage when their need is only partially met. This capacity develops from having been responded to sufficiently. The baby still needs their mother to be someone who will help to regulate their volatile emotional states and allow them to adjust to the world. The illusion that the breast or the mother can provide all satisfaction is gradually reviewed by both mother and baby, who both begin to work with reality. At first, when complete satisfaction isn’t possible the bottom falls out of the baby’s world. The world is either all good or all bad. These extreme states are like two separate entities to the baby, which gives us some idea 71

LEARNING final pages FINAL

11/10/04

10:52 AM

Page 72

Learning to love

of the absoluteness of their experiences. When things are good, the baby is comfortable and their tummy is full they are blissed out, all is well and there are no clouds on the horizon. When the baby has to wait or is frustrated or distressed, the whole world goes wrong and all good experiences seem to be forgotten.

The reality is that the mother is not the total source of good that she and the baby might want her to be, and neither is she the bad person she sometimes feels if all does not go well. Mothers are ordinary human beings who are doing their best. Both gradually come to this realisation, rather than considering mothers as people who should fulfil unrealistic expectations. The baby too becomes their own little self with an individual personality – they are not just the sum of the expectations placed upon them. 72

LEARNING final pages FINAL

11/10/04

10:52 AM

Page 73

Six to twelve weeks

We can enjoy the idealisation of our baby as they totally depend on us to satisfy their needs, but gradually we help them face the reality of who we are and what we can and can’t do. The utter trust and reliance of our baby can be enjoyed in this phase at the same time as gradually letting them live in the world as it is. Equally, their sometimes questioning eye when unwell, hurt or frustrated touches our own helplessness. We cannot protect the baby from pain and cure all situations for them. We need to understand the way they view the world, but not accept that world view as if that is the way things really are. O t h e r Way s o f R e l at i n g Gradually the baby will learn not to regard the breast as the sole source of satisfaction, holding and security. Looking at the mother and hearing her voice will act as a reassuring mechanism. This is an important developmental shift – the physical holding is important, especially in the early weeks, and continues to be so, but additional ways of connecting are a necessary part of the baby’s development. The emphasis can shift during this time from relying upon physical holding to being thought about by the mother, being looked at and talked to by a mother who wants to get to know her baby and find out what kind of person they are. We need to help our baby learn that a 73

LEARNING final pages FINAL

11/10/04

10:52 AM

Page 74

Learning to love

relationship involves the physical space between them and us, as well as being physically held. It also involves the fact that we can remember each other when one is absent, and the relationship continues. The relationship doesn’t disappear if mum goes out to the laundry to soak a nappy! If we become over-involved with our baby the deprivation can be more in the direction of not letting them experience the absent breast or mother. One of a baby’s earliest lessons is that the breast is not an extension of themselves, but that it belongs to the mother. If the breast is readily offered at the baby’s first sign of frustration the baby will not be able to learn who they are and who the mother is. To bring the baby gently into reality the mother must be both the good provider and the one who takes away. By connecting the one who provides gratification with the one who deprives or frustrates at times, we are connecting the baby to reality. Connecting experiences to their source is part of bringing the baby into the world. Fat h e r b e c o m e s m o r e A c t i v e The father’s role here is very important. He needs to have a more active presence with the mother and baby as well as continuing to support and protect them, thereby enabling a good transition from inside to outside. The father has a role in supporting the mother’s deep involvement with her baby 74

LEARNING final pages FINAL

11/10/04

10:52 AM

Page 75

Six to twelve weeks

while helping her not to be lost in the baby. The father needs to be introduced and included by the mother, as the new family begins to emerge.

During this period of six to twelve weeks after birth fathers begin to find their feet, feeling a more integrated part of the emerging family and less on the outside of the mother–baby partnership. The comments of one father show him changing as a result of the birth: Things have been going well between Rose and myself in the past week. In fact we’ve really drawn a lot closer. We’ve had some good talks, and I’ve definitely broken down a few barriers and I’m more open and honest about feelings. Babies do that to you. I’m not afraid to criticise her and to say there are some changes that maybe I don’t

75

LEARNING final pages FINAL

11/10/04

10:52 AM

Page 76

Learning to love like or she could do better. I was always afraid to do that because I thought she was very fragile in her self-esteem. I think things will get even better. Now I realise there are problems and there are things to be worked out; this is not the perfect marriage but when you deal with the problems you love each other a lot more.

Another father also found that having a baby changed him: Our little daughter continues to grow into a very likeable little person. The baby is affecting us as a couple. It just draws us closer together. I can see how it could drive a wedge between a man and a woman. The man feels that he’s come off second-best, which is silly, but you know it doesn’t work rationally at times. We don’t have many blues and don’t get upset around the baby. I am not agitated at her crying as I sometimes was with the previous children; I think I must be happier and older and more temperate. My immediate concern is to stabilise us financially.

I n t e n s i t y o f Fe e l i n g Intense feelings in the mother, father and baby are part of the picture at this time. There are wonderful moments as intense bonding takes place and mother, father and baby fall in love with each other. This is a delightful and rewarding time for all. However there are, at the same time, 76

LEARNING final pages FINAL

11/10/04

10:52 AM

Page 77

Six to twelve weeks

difficult times which require constancy and commitment from the parents. For June, Nick and Michael, their fortunes waxed and waned at this time. Good periods occurred: ‘We had a lovely morning playing and laughing on the bed. He was really lovely’. Michael now enjoyed his bath, and kicked and splashed. June said, ‘I went to the cot the other day and as soon as he saw me his face lit up with a wonderful smile’ and ‘For the first time the other day he stopped sucking in the middle of a feed, looked at me and gave me a big grin’. Michael was beginning to coo and at times interplay took place between him and June that was intense, reciprocal and loving. Between these good periods a lot of hard work took place. Michael was often hard to ‘find’ or connect to, and June spent a lot of time endeavouring to make contact with him. She would speak soothingly and lovingly, but Michael would look past her or at her neck. Although placed in a position that allowed good eye contact during breastfeeding, Michael did not always take advantage of it. At nine weeks June began to rub Michael’s stomach and chest after feeding, saying, ‘What is that all about, little one? Got a little wind? You can’t still be hungry’, in a very caring tone while looking directly at him, but Michael still gazed at the wall and increased the volume of his cry. 77

LEARNING final pages FINAL

11/10/04

10:52 AM

Page 78

Learning to love

Possibly he didn’t want to face the fact of a mother who ‘takes it away’, who finishes a feed, but that aspect of mothering is important to learn. Finally June said, ‘Maybe you’re just bored’, picked him up and stood him in front of her, between her legs. He put his head back and looked from one side to the other, but at such an angle that he managed to avoid eye contact. June kept gazing at him and said, ‘We know you’re a strong boy’, as he firmly pushed his feet against her, still looking around. Th e I s s u e o f L i m i t s In this six- to twelve-week period June grappled with a lot of self-doubt. She struggled, like all of us, with the issue of limits. Michael seemed to be feeding constantly and never wanted to be apart from the breast. Feeding wasn’t just related to his need for nourishment, it was a source of constant comfort and reassurance. June wondered how she could help him cope with times apart from her and how she could manage some life of her own, including time with Nick. At seven weeks June commented: He is gradually better behaved although I feed him a lot in the afternoons. All he wants to do is suck, sometimes for one-and-a-half hours. It is not a feed, just a comfort suck. I think maybe he needs it. He can’t be too spoiled at this stage.

78

LEARNING final pages FINAL

11/10/04

10:52 AM

Page 79

Six to twelve weeks

Yet June’s uneasiness about Michael’s use of the breast prompted her to add, ‘How long does it take for them to get the idea of all of you and not just parts’? While young, Michael did seem possessive of the breast to the extent of believing that it was his. The issue of ‘You don’t really know whether to let them gradually cope with more frustration or give them what they want’ worried June, who was given conflicting advice by her doctor and obstetrician. The issue of limits is a difficult one for all parents. By nine weeks June decided: Nick and I want to have a civilised meal in the evening, I’m tired of one or the other of us pacing the floor and eating in shifts. I’ve given him the dummy and if he cries I go back every five minutes to pat him and put the dummy back. We’ve only done it two nights. It’s hard but I think we’re winning.

By ten weeks June was attempting to be firmer during the day: He hasn’t been sleeping much during the day but this time he has had a good couple of hours, with a bit of encouragement from me. The pram gets rocked if he stirs and I seem to have had a win. Otherwise he just wants his mother all day.

Weeks ten to eleven seemed like a breakthrough. June was finding caring for Michael very rewarding and some of 79

LEARNING final pages FINAL

11/10/04

10:52 AM

Page 80

Learning to love

their struggles, although not resolved, were lessening. A feed at ten weeks demonstrates the compromise that had been reached: ‘You ready now? Here it is’ – and June lifted her blouse and offered her breast. Michael latched on quickly and sucked rapidly, actually gulping. June said, ‘Listen to that, you’re gulping a bit mate. Steady on’. Soon he quietened and June said: He does seem more secure now. He used to hang on really tightly to my finger before while he fed, now he is much more relaxed. He seems to want a lot but he is responding to being put down at night. The other thing is he is very clearly getting to know what he wants, you don’t realise how much they become their own little person.

Like all parents we will at times feel frustrated, angry and annoyed at our baby. Sometimes we will ask, ‘Why are you doing this to me?’ Usually we are doing the best we can. Our sleep is disturbed and our resources are low at times, and we seem to be trapped in a relentless cycle that we can’t see our way out of. These are all natural reactions to the demands of the situation, and many parents have moments when they wish to shake a child or throw them out the window, when they feel helpless in the face of their neverending bundle of needs. I remember thinking at times that if only I could deepfreeze the baby for a while, get things to stop long enough 80

LEARNING final pages FINAL

11/10/04

10:52 AM

Page 81

Six to twelve weeks

to give me time out, then I would be able to collect myself, settle down and start again, a little more refreshed and revived. We don’t, of course, have this luxury – we can only keep doing the best we can. Wanting ‘time out’ is a normal feeling experienced by almost all parents. At such times we acknowledge the feelings and get on with the job! If the baby comes to associate their needs with distress and inadequacy rather than well-being and satisfaction, they will prematurely shift the emphasis from their own needs to those of their mother, before they are ready to do so. The mother will become the focus and the baby will attune themselves to her, losing the connection to their sense of self. The baby will try to fit into the mother’s 81

LEARNING final pages FINAL

11/10/04

10:52 AM

Page 82

Learning to love

environment in order to work out how and what they can do to get their needs met. The baby has to begin to ‘do’ things. Just ‘being’ is no longer possible. Conclusion Generally, this period is one of intensifying the relationships between mother, father and baby—everyone is getting more involved and able to enjoy each other. Of course there are ups and downs, but mostly we muddle through. We do not fulfil the magical view of ourselves or of our baby in this period of development, making their world perfect and protecting them from all pain and development; neither do we fulfil our own or their worst anxieties of deserting them, being heartless and unthinking. We are somewhere between these two positions—we attempt to protect and help them most of the time, while assisting them to deal with the natural frustrations and difficulties of life. In time, we learn that we are all human beings with strengths and weaknesses, endearing traits and annoying faults. In fact, as we begin to grow and live as a new family we get to know each other more as we really are, and real love is born.

82

LEARNING final pages FINAL

11/10/04

10:52 AM

Page 83

three to six months An ‘I’ Emerges uring this time the baby is learning a lot, mostly involving their increased capacity to relate more closely with others. By now it is usually clearer to the baby that they live outside the womb. Some sense of ‘I’ has emerged and their recognition of mother and father is wellestablished. With the clearer ‘I’ comes another shift in the baby which affects all the relationships in the family. In this period, the baby begins to take more control of their relating. Just by averting their gaze they can let mum and dad know that they don’t want something. The baby’s capacity to be an engaging interactive partner with their parents has evolved further. Parents respond to this by letting the infant take more initiative. They let the baby set up the social interaction and respond when their baby has had enough. While mum helped to regulate them as a little baby, the baby has now

D

83

LEARNING final pages FINAL

11/10/04

10:52 AM

Page 84

Learning to love

developed cues that regulate their desired level and amount of social interaction, using their gaze. They can now look away, shut their eyes, stare past people and become glassyeyed, as well as getting the contact they want by smiling and vocalising. This is an effective range of behaviours that help them communicate with their parents and carers. Now both sides can work together in a more shared way and relate to each other more fully. ‘ Ta l k i n g ’ t o E a c h O t h e r As parents this is the period of our ‘baby talk’ and ‘baby faces’, when we happily change our way of relating to the baby and simplify our language and facial expressions. The higher voice tone is one to which babies naturally relate, and we speak slowly and in an exaggerated way. Each side of the relationship elicits from the other the behaviours that are wanted at this time. Both enter the ‘play’ which is focused on face-to-face interactions with the baby.

84

LEARNING final pages FINAL

11/10/04

10:52 AM

Page 85

Three to six months

During this time the baby, rather than just moulding into mother as they did previously, begins to strain against the mother’s body, pushing away in order to have a better look at her. They begin to pull at the mother’s hair, nose and ears, and put food in her mouth. The baby also wants to physically explore their mother’s face in addition to looking at it. In the early weeks the general outline of mother was important; now, the specific features are important. The baby also begins to look for differences in faces, especially between the mother and father. There is a lot happening for the baby at this time on every level. During this period they begin to roll over, are introduced to solid foods, gradually strengthen their back and begin to sit up, and their teeth begin to come through gums. All these biological milestones are accompanied by psychological milestones. L o o k i n g I n t e n t ly Babies at this stage begin to ‘take notice’ in a more complex way. They are interested in the relationships around them. They want to observe the person who is speaking, then follow through to the person who answers. They watch as mothers and fathers bring cups to their lips and carefully watch them eating. It is during these times, when they seem to look intently at their parents, siblings and grandparents, 85

LEARNING final pages FINAL

11/10/04

10:52 AM

Page 86

Learning to love

that they are trying to work out the complexity of the relationships in their world. A good illustration of this process is a visit I made to a young family when their son, Damien, was just over four months. The father, William, was sitting with Damien on his knee; Damien was looking up at him with a lovely smile. Julie, the mother, asked if I would like a cup of tea. Damien turned his head at the sound of her voice and on locating her gave her a big smile and gurgled. William commented, ‘He’s such a happy baby’. Julie asked if I would like to hold Damien and I gladly accepted. As he was passed to me, Damien gazed at me as if to say ‘I’ve seen you before’ (which he had) and gave me a big smile. Once on my lap he looked around to locate dad and mum again, then back to me. When the baby was first born their main interests were survival and their need to link with their mother. They focused on being latched to the breast, held securely, helped to deal with their transition into the new world and shown how it works. Now that the baby knows that their survival is assured they become more aware of the nuances around them. At first the world seemed to involve only the baby and mother, and the baby’s tasks were to work out who is me and who is she, and where each begins and ends. As the baby begins to sit up they notice other kinds of relationships that have to be incorporated and understood. 86

LEARNING final pages FINAL

11/10/04

10:52 AM

Page 87

Three to six months

This shift is accompanied by frequent periods of returning to mother and enjoying her in an exclusive twosome of social play, ‘talking’ and gazing. These revisits to the partnerships with mother are very important for the baby. Fat h e r i n t h e Fo r e g r o u n d Until now the father, although present, has to some extent been in the background for the baby. Now he is a more noticeable figure who has to be integrated into the picture. The baby has to move from its twosome to a threesome at times and enter into the triangular family relationship. This greater engagement enriches the baby’s life. Because they are full of curiosity to find out about the world, and wish to

87

LEARNING final pages FINAL

11/10/04

10:52 AM

Page 88

Learning to love

explore and make sense of what is happening around them, the baby is usually happy to make the transition. The engagement occurs gradually and in small steps. The baby is now eating solids, not just soft, flowing, warm liquid. They have to chew and swallow harder food. The introduction of solids means the beginning of the weaning process, even if breastfeeding continues. It foreshadows the move away from reliance on the breast and mother, and signals an entrance into a broader world. The breast may remain as a source of satisfaction and comfort but the range of activities that comfort the baby increases. Just the mother’s or father’s voice, a smile of encouragement, a cuddle or a look can soothe. Many babies embrace the introduction of solids, others find it more difficult, but all babies face the conflicting feelings involved in such a move. The baby may feel that it has ‘lost’ from the change from being the centre of mother’s attention to becoming one of the family, but the gains are many. Taking their place as a member of a group is a change for the baby. With all change, we do not know when we face it what the outcome will be. It is the same for the baby. The loss can be experienced as moving from a special and privileged position with mum to realising that they are not the only one in mother’s life. Yet all the gains of the shift are there to be experienced. This realisation, or the lack of it, 88

LEARNING final pages FINAL

11/10/04

10:52 AM

Page 89

Three to six months

can be played out in various ways. With June, Nick and Michael an important developmental step took place when the baby finally acknowledged the presence of the family cat, Ginger, who had put a lot of effort into seeking recognition from Michael. In June’s words, Ginger was ‘like an older sibling waiting to be noticed’. As I was meeting June regularly she decided to more actively introduce Michael to me. It was not easy for Michael to think of relinquishing his twosome. He frequently stared at me and appeared to take me in, but only on rare occasions would he smile at me. Many babies are excited about their growing sense of other people in their world however acknowledging me was a major issue for Michael. This ‘intruder’ issue increased towards the six-month mark. At five-and-a-half months June said, ‘I went to that meeting and left him with my parents, and you know he was a little horror. He wouldn’t share me with anyone’. She looked at Michael and said: Yes, that’s right. I told you that at the time. You know as soon as I left he was fine, whereas before that he had been screaming and carrying on. I suppose it is the stage where they get to know who mum is and don’t want to share. I suppose he will learn. He is going to have to.

When attempting to move from the twosome to a 89

LEARNING final pages FINAL

11/10/04

10:52 AM

Page 90

Learning to love

threesome the baby can sometimes view the father as a competitor and a threat, asking ‘Is he on my side or does he in fact take away her time and attention that I want so very much to have?’ Fathers must be careful not to get drawn into a competition within the family. The father needs to acknowledge the competitive feelings being aroused at times in the baby and in himself, but not react to them. At other times, of course, the baby is only too happy to have dad’s attention – and the mother may feel resentful that she does all the hard work and he gets the good times! M i x e d Fe e l i n g s i n R e l at i o n s h i p s The point is that at times the baby is going to have mixed feelings about their father as much as they have mixed feelings about their mother. Relationships are made up of such feelings, and reconciling them is a long and difficult process. It requires a lengthy process of reconciliation to understand that ‘Dad does take away some time and attention from mum but he is also on my side and works with mum to help me grow up’. Mothers can sometimes become so lost in their twosome with the baby that they find it hard to allow the baby to move on and develop. Such mothers may begin to exclude the father and set up a damaging pattern of mother and baby versus father, or they may be oblivious of the father, 90

LEARNING final pages FINAL

11/10/04

10:52 AM

Page 91

Three to six months

rather than including him and establishing a family. An important developmental step can be taken if the father intervenes to claim partnership with the mother, and his fatherhood of the child. The reality of who are the parents and who is the child is something that both parents must impart to the child. After the first few months of the mother’s sensitive preoccupation with the baby’s needs, the father needs to help the mother return to her adult relationship in a way that includes the baby. All have a place, but the places have to be worked for. In marriages based on mutual interests and companionship it can be hard to include the baby. The baby may be viewed as someone who disrupts the companionable marriage and interferes with the parents’ activities. There may be resentment that that era has passed. What is happening, however, is that everyone is finding a new way to be together, that includes the new member of the family. Within the new family there are potential rewards for everyone. M o t h e r G i v e s a n d Ta k e s Away At this time the baby not only has to expand their relationship to the world, but also has conflicting feelings in regard to their mother. As mentioned in the last chapter, the baby has two concepts of mother which seem at odds with 91

LEARNING final pages FINAL

11/10/04

10:52 AM

Page 92

Learning to love

one another: ‘How can it be that this wonderful mother who makes me feel secure, full, comforted, and is the delight of my life, is also the mother who takes away what I need? How can she give her time and attention to others?’ These views must be reconciled: the baby loves the responsive mother and is not happy with the one who is not always preoccupied with them. This often begins to show in various ways in the baby’s relationship with the mother. For example, one breast may be greatly preferred to the other— one is good, the other is not so good. If the baby has sore gums or teeth coming through, or breastfeeds are being reduced, they may bite the nipple. Like all of us, a baby may love to hate the one they love!

The emergence of the capacity to love and enjoy, and to show clearly what they don’t like, is an advance in the 92

LEARNING final pages FINAL

11/10/04

10:52 AM

Page 93

Three to six months

baby’s ability to relate. Being in a relationship involves both positive and negative feelings. Acknowledgment that they may co-exist is the measure of being able to enter a relationship. It is the beginning of the baby’s journey into a more complex world with more subtle ranges of feeling. This process was very clear with June and Michael. As six months drew near, June reduced his breastfeeds to three a day, ten minutes a side. This naturally provoked a strong reaction, as Michael particularly liked his feeding time. June said, ‘Actually we aren’t the best of friends at the moment. I think he has turned off mum a bit, he doesn’t think mum is so wonderful’. Michael had been forced to realise that his mother was not only a provider, but someone who also took away his comforter. It is important for the mother to ‘take the heat’ of the situation and not blame the baby for being difficult. Both parties are facing a difficult time and it is best if they can go through it together. June later commented, ‘It was hard to drop the fourth feed last week. Michael didn’t like it and found it hard. It would have been easy to go back to it because I found I was missing it too.’ June began to suffer her own form of weaning and talked of her feelings of re-creating the younger Michael: Last night I woke with a strong feeling that Michael was in bed with us. A little later Nick came to bed and as he

93

LEARNING final pages FINAL

11/10/04

10:52 AM

Page 94

Learning to love got in I was half-awake and said, ‘Careful, you might squash him’. It’s funny to have those feelings.

The baby’s capacity for a greater range of feelings, including negative, towards their parents is a sharing for the baby. Someone needs to know about these feelings and be prepared to accept them, because the baby wants them to be understood. It is important to understand the baby’s dilemma and allow them to express both sets of feelings without fear of abandonment. We all face this dilemma, but this is the first time the baby is dealing with such complex issues as ‘Can you feel deeply attached to and also upset with the same person?’

With so much learning taking place the baby has many moments of being serious and thoughtful as they try to combine their experiences to form a picture of the world. 94

LEARNING final pages FINAL

11/10/04

10:52 AM

Page 95

Three to six months

These quiet times are important for the baby, and a time when the baby can be left alone to do their own ‘thinking’ without interference from us. I n t e n s e ly L ov i n g a n d S t o r m y During this phase an important transition has been taking place for mum, dad and baby. The baby begins to be capable of a deeper personal connection to the parents and will naturally seek that level of connection. It is a time for establishing a deeper involvement in relationships. This is a special time, which can be very rewarding for the parents and can herald the beginning of deeply passionate and intensely loving feelings together with stormy passages. Like all love affairs, it can feel like a rollercoaster ride. The baby literally reaches out in order to be known at a more complex level, and there is much delight for all concerned when that reaching gains a response. Deep disappointment may occur if the engagement does not take place. Such disappointment is not surprising – many of us have tried to connect more deeply to another human being, only to feel some rejection. The reaction is one of feeling deeply wounded and in a state of hurt and confusion. We may also be reluctant to attempt another engagement. However, it is important to overcome our anxieties about being close and fearing loss or rejection in 95

LEARNING final pages FINAL

11/10/04

10:52 AM

Page 96

Learning to love

order to engage more fully with our baby. Knowing about these feelings can help us to identify what it might be like for the baby if their greater capacity for involvement is not responded to. If ignored, the baby’s focus turns inwards rather than towards other people, and their potential for full engagement and participation in life may not be realised. Sadness and pain are felt by father, mother and baby. If the baby’s efforts to reach out are met, they are very blessed to have their spontaneous, warm and open self accepted and welcomed by other human beings. Many of the issues that the parents faced during the pregnancy now recur, but this time they are lessons that the baby needs to understand. The baby’s sense of oneness with mother is challenged as they move from being the centre of mum’s attention to being part of the family, while frequently re-engaging with her. The baby starts to realise that there are limitations in life, to notice what other people can do and, naturally, to experience some frustration with this state of affairs. Gradually the baby also realises that mother is not without limitations. She can’t supply all needs and can’t always make the world as the baby wants it. The baby has to let go of their short history and change from being a newborn to being an older baby who is moving more actively into a relationship with their mother. For the first time the baby is being asked to relinquish a 96

LEARNING final pages FINAL

11/10/04

10:52 AM

Page 97

Three to six months

previous view of the world, and move into a more realistic one that involves mother and baby working as partners, not just mother being involved on the baby’s behalf. Wo r k i n g To g e t h e r The partnership, not just mother and father’s attention to the baby, becomes the central focus. By entering into the relationship the baby will have to play their part and fulfil their own role and function. A small incident between June and Michael illustrates this growing ability. Michael began to squirm (he was at the breast but had wind) and June said, ‘I can hear that’. Michael pulled off the nipple and June said, ‘You need to get rid of that, Michael. I can’t do it for you, that’s your work’. She sat him up, saying, ‘Let it go’. With growth, the baby begins to learn about waiting.

97

LEARNING final pages FINAL

11/10/04

10:52 AM

Page 98

Learning to love

With the introduction of solids the baby may have to watch and wait while their food is prepared, rather than receive the instant gratification of milk from the breast. As the baby faces reality they realise that things take time – for example, changing a nappy. At this time, when Michael was being dressed, there was a sense of him learning to wait for June while working with her to assist with the nappy change. June was helping by talking to him, ‘Okay, this foot. Now the other one, up with your bum, there you are. That hand, now the other one, there you go’, synchronised with her actions. Then she fastened Michael’s clothes as he looked contentedly at her. When I try to recall my own feelings during this period I realise that they were very complex and not easy to analyse. My memories include feeling a lot of sadness without really knowing why. I think that there was a natural weaning process occurring, for which both my daughter and I needed to grieve. There always seemed to be new stages of development which were interesting and exciting, but I often felt that no sooner did I begin to get the feel of a phase than the next would start. I always felt left behind, as if I were trying to catch up to my baby. The constancy of being a mother is very demanding at times, even though the task is worthwhile. I also feared losing my own identity to the baby in 98

LEARNING final pages FINAL

11/10/04

10:52 AM

Page 99

Three to six months

particular and domesticity in general. I was still studying and hence did not have a secure sense of my future in the outside world. For some reason it felt as if I would always be in the position of providing total care for the baby. I had little sense of how short the time would really be before my daughter left her baby state and began to grow up. My lack of accurate perspective made it hard at times to relax and enjoy the moment. We can lose a very special time if, for whatever reason, we cannot be emotionally available to our baby. Conclusion From three to six months an enormous amount of development occurs and there is a great deal of pleasure in being part of that. Babies become more aware of their self and can no longer be regarded as newborn. They are finding out about partnerships and beginning to work with their parents in the task of bringing them up. Their feelings take on many colours, shapes and sizes, and the complexity of the world they enter enriches their capacity to relate.

99

LEARNING final pages FINAL

11/10/04

10:52 AM

Page 100

six to nine months n this phase further development takes place. Gradually the baby discovers that there are other minds besides their own. The most exciting part is the fact that the baby can look to see if the mother is sharing their mental and emotional states. Mother and baby, and dad and baby, can now try to discover if they are thinking or feeling the same thing or different things. This means that there is a lot of cross-checking between the baby and the parents, to find out what the others are thinking. The result is an even greater connection. Social interaction now focuses on playing together. The baby has developed hand–eye and hand-to-hand coordination and can hold things much better. The parents and baby can play together, usually with a toy. A delicate balance is being achieved when we as parents play with our child—how to be part of the play but allow our baby to know what they are interested in. At the same

I

100

LEARNING final pages FINAL

11/10/04

10:52 AM

Page 101

Six to nine months

time, the baby is looking to us to join them and add our delight and encouragement to the interaction. How to be part of our child’s play, not direct or overcontrol it, but sufficiently involved to help the baby remain interested in their exploration, is a delicate balance. I n t e r p l ay A f f e c t s B o t h The baby gradually begins to live in the real world, if they are helped to do so. They learn that their actions have implications. The baby begins to realise that there is an interplay between them and their mother or father, which affects both. Mum is not a manufactured mother but a real mother who gets tired. The baby begins to understand that she has good days and bad days, and is a human being who has to struggle to do things, just as the baby does. Gradually baby and parents can become more alike in the sense of being more able to be themselves, having limitations and making a mutual effort at the relationships. The beginnings of identification occur when one can identify with the other. An early form of appreciation or ‘being glad you are around’ can be expressed by babies towards their parents. Babies at this stage can be distressed by their mother’s distress, and may be crestfallen if mother is cross and shorttempered. Parents and baby affect each other in the normal way that human beings have an impact on each other. 101

LEARNING final pages FINAL

11/10/04

10:52 AM

Page 102

Learning to love

Baby’s Growing Perspective Being able to sit up and gain mobility enlarges the baby’s perspective. They discover that their parents may be upset for all sorts of reasons, that they are not solely responsible for their parents’ moods and actions. The baby will notice that even if they want dinner something may happen to delay it – the phone may ring, or a sibling may hurt themselves and need attention. In this way, although there is a wait to endure, the baby realises that mum’s and dad’s actions and reactions are not all involved with them. This is a source of relief and reduces the baby’s anxiety. The baby is not the cause of everything that happens in the world, and is not the only one responsible for mum’s and dad’s happiness. People aren’t just out to make life difficult, other things can and do happen. As parents we can facilitate this understanding by linking cause and effect for our little ones. This transition to understanding a wider context implies a high level of achievement by the baby. Being aware that they are part of a family and understanding why things happen the way they do, requires a high degree of functioning. We all know individuals who have never achieved this level of development. It is vital to take our baby through these processes, to decipher for them the various feeling states and to make mental connections. This 102

LEARNING final pages FINAL

11/10/04

10:52 AM

Page 103

Six to nine months

is of great importance for their later adjustment to the world. The two-way process of communication at this time was very clear when Damien was eight and a half months. His mother Julie let me in, and when I walked into the lounge room Damien was pulling himself up on a chair. When I said hello he started babbling. He then crawled away and played peek-a-boo with me before becoming interested in some toys. Julie guided him to press the button on a toy fish so that it would say, ‘Hello. I’m a fish’ – Damien grinned and looked at his mother. Damien pulled himself up, held on to the couch and moved along it before flopping onto his bottom again. He pulled himself back up on the couch, said ‘Ah’ in a loud voice and pulled at his pants a couple of times. 103

LEARNING final pages FINAL

11/10/04

10:52 AM

Page 104

Learning to love

Julie asked, ‘Have you done a poo?’ and checked his nappy, telling me, ‘This is the latest thing – he pulls at his pants and whinges when he wants his nappy changed’. Julie said, ‘Come on, mister’ and took Damien to the bedroom. I could hear him cry and when they returned Julie commented that he now protested about nappychanging, which he had never done before. She placed Damien on my knee, saying, ‘You sit there while I wash my hands’. Damien watched her go into the kitchen, looked at me, babbled, then smiled at me. When Julie returned he wriggled and I let him slide to the floor. He pulled himself up and clapped his hands. Damien then sat down and played with two rings. He crawled away with them, then sat and yawned. Julie said, ‘You might have a nap soon’, then told me that ‘I’m finding it hard to get things done now because he wants company’. Each side of the relationship is letting the other know what they are thinking and feeling in a very natural and ordinary way. The communication flow is constant and easy, and both enjoy the exchange. Each ‘tells’ the other what is going on and the messages are received on both sides. Interplay is taking place. Being human means being subject to a range of feelings that forms part of the human condition. Through their relationship with the mother the baby can begin to enter 104

LEARNING final pages FINAL

11/10/04

10:52 AM

Page 105

Six to nine months

this complex emotional world. Although the baby’s experience of these feelings is naturally different from that of adults, they can experience a wide range of feelings in a less mature but nevertheless real way. More Subtle Understanding If the baby is capable of entering into the human condition and begins to experience a wider range of feeling, we have to become correspondingly more subtle in the ways in which we understand our baby. A necessary distinction is to help the baby decide whether more is better. It is important for us as parents to try to recognise where our baby is operating from, acknowledge their state of being and respond appropriately. The baby will be demanding at times, and we must ascertain whether genuine need is being expressed. Like all of us, the baby will experience dissatisfaction but all needs cannnot be met. As parents we have to learn to meet reasonable needs and refuse to indulge unreasonable ones. This is easy to say and difficult to practise, but it is something we need to grapple with as parents. Mothers who always give in to their babies don’t help them to sort out their real needs – their constant responding leaves little room for the baby to find and express their need. Being a martyr to our baby sets up a sense of dissatisfaction, of 105

LEARNING final pages FINAL

11/10/04

10:52 AM

Page 106

Learning to love

‘nothing is ever enough’. An uncomfortable feeling can enter the relationship if one side gives control to the other and the real partnership is lost. Reconciling conflicting feelings also occurs during this time. When Michael was six months old his first tooth arrived. June said, ‘Poor thing, he has been weepy and his nose has been running slightly’. The tooth had just come through and as June prepared to feed Michael he stared at her breast and showed some distress. Michael may have been trying to work out where the pain was coming from. The tooth was accompanied by more obvious aggression from Michael. The following week June reported: He has bitten me twice in the last week, both times drawing blood. One nipple is quite sore. Feeding is not as relaxing as it used to be. One more time Michael and you will be on the bottle sooner than you think…It would be a shame, really, because I think we both get something from it.

A g g r e s s i v e Fe e l i n g s Babies may begin to feel uncomfortable about their more aggressive feelings towards mum or dad. For this reason it is better to understand these feelings, tolerate them and let the baby know that such feelings are normal. In this way the feelings are made more manageable. If they aren’t recognised the baby is left with an intensity and level of 106

LEARNING final pages FINAL

11/10/04

10:52 AM

Page 107

Six to nine months

feeling that they don’t know how to deal with. The new level of aggressiveness in Michael was difficult for June to label in the early stages, although she could do it later. On one occasion, Michael pulled a toy lamb towards him and rammed it backwards and forwards a couple of times very aggressively, while June spoke about how much Michael liked wheels. June’s response seemed to ignore the angry quality of Michael’s action, which perhaps expressed his anger at the fact that his breastfeeds were being reduced by his mother. Anger seemed an understandable reaction as the feeding had been so important and enjoyable for Michael. N e g o t i at i n g w i t h t h e B a b y Negotiating with the baby is important at this time. It is not a time to dominate or control, but to take both sides into account and negotiate through the situation. Difficult situations, such as shopping and long car trips, need to be thought about in advance. At this time parents have to develop a greater and more complex level of attunement with the baby, as they try to work out the various shifts and moods in the growing relationship. The baby will soon also be doing their part by working hard to determine what is happening for their parents. This process can be a very healing one for us if we accept 107

LEARNING final pages FINAL

11/10/04

10:52 AM

Page 108

Learning to love

and acknowledge negative feelings, rather than see them as something to disown or feel ashamed of. It is also an opportunity to show the baby our understanding that they have all sorts of feelings, that this is normal, and that we as parents are able to deal with such feelings. By knowing about them we can understand and contain them rather than be a victim of them. The negotiating can involve elements of being able to repair things. An important development is the idea of reparation. The word implies that although things go wrong in relationships, and events can make one party unhappy with another, matters are not irretrievable. It is important for the baby to learn that although they are sometimes grumpy or upset their parents and the relationship survive these states. Likewise, mum or dad might have a bad day or feel their own worries or concerns, 108

LEARNING final pages FINAL

11/10/04

10:52 AM

Page 109

Six to nine months

but can pick up the threads of the relationship and recover. In this way a certain robustness is acquired, a mutual confidence that the difficult times can be survived. Fru s t r at i o n a n d t h e B a b y During this time the baby’s frustration may be intensified by their increasing knowledge of others and their achievements. The more aware baby sees what others can do and begins to wish they were able to do likewise. This is a source of frustration but also of inspiration, and provokes the baby’s development. One day they will grow up and be able to do things too. It is common at this time to see little ones mimic the actions of parents in play, as they endeavour to copy their parents’ ways of being. With the baby’s growing hope that in time they will be able to perform the actions of those around them comes a feeling of ‘losing the wind in their sails’. As the baby tries out more and more behaviours, they will at times feel frustrated—that there is no point, they will never be able to succeed, why should they bother, it is all too hard. If we remember these feelings ourselves it will be easier to identify with the baby rather than be irritated and annoyed. We can encourage their endeavours and help them through their discouraged times. By identifying these feelings we facilitate the baby’s next step—to acquire more skills, and 109

LEARNING final pages FINAL

11/10/04

10:52 AM

Page 110

Learning to love

feel success and satisfaction in their growing capacity. ‘ B e i n g l i k e ’ t h e Pa r e n t s If all has gone reasonably well in the previous months of development, the baby will seek to be like their parents or siblings. This is different from becoming the parent. This ‘being like’ rather resembles ‘looking up to’, the beginnings of admiration. The baby is pleased with and values their parents and wishes to be like them. They also want to please and make their parents happy.

With their increased mobility the baby’s curiosity and delight in the world is increased. Every exploration away from mum or dad is accompanied by a return to ‘check back’ to see if the parents are still there. This is an important part of the exploration process. Another aspect of checking 110

LEARNING final pages FINAL

11/10/04

10:52 AM

Page 111

Six to nine months

to see that the parent is there is wanting to share the experience: ‘Do mum and dad enjoy this discovery with me?’ The desire to share what they are doing is very important, and to check mum and dad’s response is very interesting to the baby. This shift involves partial resolution of the problem of the intruder, discussed in the last chapter – in this phase it is more commonly known as ‘stranger anxiety’. Having made a deeper and more personal commitment to their mother, the baby naturally wants to remain with the one to whom they are so attached. But it is not just a matter of the baby letting go of their mother. They must do that, but they must also let someone else in. Letting in New Experiences This means that the baby can feel possessive when someone threatens their twosome. As the saying goes, two is company but three is a crowd. In most cases the baby’s curiosity about new people helps overcome their other feelings, and although they may initially hold back from an encounter with a ‘stranger’ they are also immensely interested and study new people from the safety of their connection with mum. This was evident in Michael and June’s relationship, where letting in new experiences and new people was a major issue. 111

LEARNING final pages FINAL

11/10/04

10:52 AM

Page 112

Learning to love

June had difficulty realising that as a third person I broke up their couple. Michael was often very unfriendly towards me at this time, which June interpreted as him being worried that he would be abandoned. This was part of the issue but there was a further component: Michael felt a strong desire to maintain the twosome. I was an outsider who threatened to take mum’s attention and force Michael to realise that he was not the only one in her life. With Michael’s reluctance to develop and his constant desire to re-create their togetherness this ‘oversight’ caused a disturbance between them. One day, having given Michael a drink from a cup, June sat him on her lap facing outwards and said, ‘How about you look at Lorraine?’ Michael immediately turned around to see where she was. June told him, ‘I’m still here. I haven’t gone away’, and said to me, ‘He’s been a real mummy’s boy all the time he’s been sick, which is understandable I suppose. Dad’s all right but if I’m around it has to be mum’. She said to Michael, ‘It’s okay, it is only Lorraine’, as Michael began to look at me. The longer he looked the more his face fell. He began to cry, turning his face towards his mother to bury his head against her. June picked him up and asked, ‘What’s the matter? It’s okay’. She tried to jolly him by blowing kisses against his cheek. Michael was still unhappy and June said, ‘You’re 112

LEARNING final pages FINAL

11/10/04

10:52 AM

Page 113

Six to nine months

miserable, aren’t you? You want to stand on your feet’. She held him under his arms and he kicked up and down a little, but remained unhappy. June asked, ‘Do you want a cuddle?’ and held him against her chest, saying, ‘You poor boy’. Michael rubbed his face against her shoulder for a moment then began to get distressed again. June said, ‘Let’s try you with some of your toys’, and gave him a soft ball which Michael tried to bite. As the situation escalated I felt quite unwelcome. Michael would look at me and cry, then back to June and cry, or at least stare and look very unhappy. June herself appeared to need support as Michael expressed the strength of his antagonism to the loss of some feeds and my intrusion. June commented, ‘If he is like this with you I don’t know how he is going to go with a babysitter when I go back to work’. At the end of our time together June and I were able to discuss what had happened at this time. June acknowledged that she had let me ‘take the heat’ of Michael’s more aggressive feelings. When she had another baby, June observed that ‘I did it with David’, meaning that she handled his more negative feelings herself. N at u r a l P o s s e s s i v e Fe e l i n g s June was genuinely eager for Michael to enjoy the world 113

LEARNING final pages FINAL

11/10/04

10:52 AM

Page 114

Learning to love

and attempted to connect him with neighbours and friends, to no avail. One day we went for a walk together and chatted to an elderly neighbour, who spoke to Michael and attempted to win a smile. Michael wouldn’t look at him and just frowned, and soon after began to whimper. Michael did attempt to show me his possessive feelings towards June but they were hard for June to acknowledge. We all feel possessive towards the one we love. However, June interpreted his feelings as fear of abandonment only, rather than as possessiveness and a desire to have her to himself. When Michael clung to her after my arrival, June pointed out, ‘You were playing happily with your toys earlier. I’m not going to leave you now, you know’. Michael consistently interrupted June’s efforts to talk with me. He tried to climb onto her knee, and June asked ‘You want to get up?’ When she picked him up she blew a raspberry on his neck, but he held his head above her shoulder and burrowed in, almost forcing June to get her head out of the way. Michael appeared to want to put his feelings into June’s head so that she would understand what he was going through. Perhaps he just needed someone to understand how difficult it is to share! Conclusion At this time, if helped to do so, the baby will be introduced 114

LEARNING final pages FINAL

11/10/04

10:52 AM

Page 115

Six to nine months

to a deeper layer of complexity in terms of feelings. Early introductions to what will later become gratitude, forgiveness, aggressiveness, guilt, hope, despair, admiration, envy and frustration will all enter the picture, as the baby moves further into a relationship with their parents. To be in touch with the baby is to be in touch with the beginnings of this range of feelings. Possessiveness and jealousy will naturally occur as the baby makes their transition from the world of two to the world of three and the beyond. Such feelings require recognition and understanding. The movement from two to three is accompanied by a continual return to the twosome, where the baby rediscovers themselves and enjoys the interplay with their mother. This returning to the twosome is a source of joy and satisfaction for the baby and mother. The baby, when part of a threesome, has achieved a wonderful milestone in becoming a more complex little being.

115

LEARNING final pages FINAL

11/10/04

10:52 AM

Page 116

nine to twelve months he period from nine to twelve months is related to movement, both physical and psychological. During this time the baby will usually begin to crawl, stand up and take their first steps. The baby moves away from the mother because of their growing mobility, but this also means that they can move towards mother and father. Again, as parents we are asked to see two sides of a seemingly contradictory picture: we must support the child’s growing capacity to move away from us, while being there and catering for their need to return to us. We are asked to take the mature position of bearing our seeming rejection due to the baby’s greater mobility, and at the same time allowing for their continuing need for dependence and safety. We also experience great joy in seeing our baby become more independent. Parallel with their physical development is the further change in the baby’s perspective of the world. The baby now

T

116

LEARNING final pages FINAL

11/10/04

10:52 AM

Page 117

Nine to twelve months

focuses on the meaning of an exchange between themselves and mum and dad. Moving about has given them a different perspective on the world, and the idea that others share – or don’t share – the same perspective can become clearer. S h a r i n g Th o u g h t s a n d Fe e l i n g s Around nine months the baby will not only look in the direction their parents point, but after discovering what they think mum or dad are indicating they check back to find out whether they are looking at the correct object. They are deliberately attempting to find out whether both sides are sharing the same event. This means that their attention is shared. This also takes place at the emotional level. The baby can now check whether their mother or father is sharing their excitement, is worried, curious or upset. Babies of this age become intensely interested in what their mother is thinking, and they can experience and be aware of their parent’s empathy. Now they can share their thoughts and feelings, which opens a deeper dimension. It is possible to say that they are capable of checking whether what is going on in their mind is the same as what is going on in their parent’s mind. The next step is for this to be communicated, without words. There can now be a ‘we’, something going on between them and mum and dad. 117

LEARNING final pages FINAL

11/10/04

10:52 AM

Page 118

Learning to love

Mothers also show a capacity to tune into these deeper emotional states at this time. This involves more than imitation. Mothers tune in to the baby in order to join their play. Having empathised with the baby’s feelings to create a sense of sharing, the mother then adds a variation of the game. The mother lets the baby know she understands the original game and remains attuned to her baby; the variation is mum adding to the game. D e p e n d e n c e a n d S e p a r at e n e s s During this period, the need for both dependence and separateness is quite intense. The nine-month-old baby may cling to their mother in the presence of strangers and very new situations. However, their reactions can vary. The baby may retreat from strangers but show intense curiosity from the safe position of holding onto their mother’s clothes, and gradually come forward if supported to do so. Some may cry but respond to soothing responses from mother or father. Parents can help their child to negotiate new situations. The baby now faces situations which are familiar and unfamiliar, safe and unsafe, new and interesting or worrying and overwhelming. Hence, although they want to explore new experiences and rejoice in their greater physical capacities and new-found freedom, they also worry about this new world. Actually, the parents and baby share 118

LEARNING final pages FINAL

11/10/04

10:52 AM

Page 119

Nine to twelve months

these concerns. Will things be too much for the baby? Setting limits becomes relevant because with greater mobility the baby can hurt themselves. The feeling of safety engendered by the parents’ presence makes it possible for the baby to deal with their new experiences in the world. Real negotiation between parents and baby begins. At first the mother and father actively created a mental space for understanding their newborn and had to intuit their needs, but now they must negotiate with the baby’s growing individuality. Although the parents remain responsible for the baby and their longer-term interests, they must allow growing space for negotiating everyday

119

LEARNING final pages FINAL

11/10/04

10:52 AM

Page 120

Learning to love

interactions. Mother or father may need to discuss the fact of a pending nappy change and get the baby’s co-operation, rather than just performing the task. Feeding may need to be more negotiable and options provided, for example, a baby may be spoonfed but given their own spoon as well, finger food can be given, or the baby may be helped to feed themselves. B e i n g To g e t h e r a n d A p a r t On the other hand, the baby’s greater freedom creates more space for the mother to re-establish some of her interests and develop a space where they are together, but preoccupied with their own thoughts and interests. Being together but in their own personal space is an important developmental aspect of the phase from nine to twelve months. The baby may exhibit intense preoccupation with the world and seemingly forget all else, but retains a need to ‘touch base’ with their mother and father. Both aspects are essential in this developmental phase. Because psychological space has become so important to babies, they need to explore the world in their own way. It can be intrusive if parents want to be constantly ‘in’ on what the child is doing and to continue to direct or control their actions. Being in the presence of parents who are engaged in their own conversation or activities, while the baby is 120

LEARNING final pages FINAL

11/10/04

10:52 AM

Page 121

Nine to twelve months

preoccupied with and interested in their own world, is an important step for the growing baby. To have something of their own and hold onto that in the presence of people who are engaged with each other, is important for the development of the baby’s sense of self. It means that they have something that does not get lost or is unimportant. The baby’s world is thus acknowledged as valuable in its own right, and the baby is therefore important on their terms and not only when engaged in the adult world. I n t e r e s t i n Fa m i l i a r O b j e c t s Now that they are moving around by crawling then walking, the baby’s interest in the mother spills over to familiar objects. The bottle, a blanket, toys—all may become objects of affection and interest. However, the baby needs to repeatedly return to mother to re-establish their relationship, as she remains an important home base. The baby will crawl to their mother, pull themselves up on her leg, touch her in other ways, or just lean against her. This ‘refuelling’ can help the baby to perk up and return to exploring, and again become absorbed in their own world. It can also be done at a distance—the mother and baby may often look over and check to see what the other is doing. Simply speaking can be another way of making contact in the situation. This refreshing of the relationship 121

LEARNING final pages FINAL

11/10/04

10:52 AM

Page 122

Learning to love

is helpful if it is done on the baby’s terms, when they indicate their need for it. Checking and Exploring This involves a push and pull of feelings. The baby wants to explore and do their own thing, but they don’t like to lose sight of their mother. If she leaves the room they may stare sadly at the space she left. Having found greater intimacy it is hard to give it away, as we all know. The returning to mum or checking to see her is also intended to find out whether she has understood what they have been interested in. As well as checking their mother the baby wants to share their explorations with her. An example of this occurred when Damien was almost ten months old. A rainbow lorikeet landed on the balcony outside the kitchen where Damien had just finished breakfast. His mother said, ‘Look, Damien, a beautiful birdie’. Damien smiled as he saw the bird, then waved his arms about. His mother asked if he would like to get out of his high chair to go and see the birdie. Damien smiled and shook his head as she lifted him down, then he crawled towards the balcony where the bird was. He kept stopping and looking back to check his mum, and finally pointed up at the place where the bird had perched. By that time it had flown away. 122

LEARNING final pages FINAL

11/10/04

10:52 AM

Page 123

Nine to twelve months

In this phase, unlike earlier phases, parents must be able to receive from the child. The baby may wish feed their parents, to show the parents something they have found, or offer them something the baby owns. A greater sense of reciprocity begins to enter the relationship. The parents’ needs can also be articulated. Saying things such as, ‘I’ll cut up your apple when I’ve poured my tea’ is appropriate. This helps to establish a two-way relationship, and the baby begins to realise the growing possibility of identifying with someone else’s needs. Everyone can be taken into account. Differing needs do not have to mean competition, or that one has everything and another misses out. There is room for all. Learning to Learn If we observe the baby’s growing mobility we can also see that they are learning to learn. In learning to crawl the baby first sways backwards and forwards on their hands and knees, then crawls. After a while the baby will pull themselves up on chairs and couches and practise standing up. Finally the baby will take their first tentative steps and walk, falling down many times, but getting up again and having another go. This trial-and-error learning and practising, which involves a few steps forward then a few steps back, is a normal part of the process of the baby 123

LEARNING final pages FINAL

11/10/04

10:52 AM

Page 124

Learning to love

learning how to learn. As parents we need to attend to this process of ‘learning how to learn’. Like all the baby’s learning so far, this period involves constantly revisiting the concepts to be understood. Learning any new task involves accepting the principles of learning, and understanding these principles is itself an important lesson for later periods of learning – basically, the rest of our lives. First, in order to learn we need to face our uncertainty. The impetus for learning is that we do not already know, so to acquire any new skill or gain a greater psychological understanding we have to face that fact. The reality is that we don’t know how to do something, or we fail to comprehend something. Facing our limitations can lead to feelings of humiliation and shame, but we should instead view it as a natural part of the process of learning and knowing. To ‘not know’ is the necessary starting-point for learning. If we don’t deal with the state of uncertainty, the ‘not knowing’, learning cannot occur. We can try to fudge it or cover up, or even attempt to copy someone who does know, but without facing the gap in our knowledge we will never learn what we don’t know. The same is true for the baby. The baby’s lack of knowing may make us feel their vulnerability as they enter the world. We can find it hard to sometimes let them feel 124

LEARNING final pages FINAL

11/10/04

10:52 AM

Page 125

Nine to twelve months

their unpreparedness. We need to step back and let the baby feel their way through their uncertainty to finding their own way of handling a situation. Always protecting the baby from feeling vulnerable, and from feeling fear and anxiety, is not helpful. Being able to feel vulnerable but pressing ahead and finding a way through is a great confidence-booster for the baby.

A second aspect of learning is that it does not always proceed smoothly. The process of learning may involve gradually understanding the idea, then losing it and finding it again. With time, the process becomes easier. Learning will entail a few steps forwards then some backwards. This is how we build our skills. Some of us may be quicker than others, but all learning has to be taken step by step. By understanding the processes involved in learning we can understand better the processes that are taking place for the 125

LEARNING final pages FINAL

11/10/04

10:52 AM

Page 126

Learning to love

baby as they gradually develop motor and verbal skills, and put together the complex world of relationships around them. It is important for the baby to understand that we learn in small steps. Understanding that they can proceed only in steps, not leaps, helps to reduce the baby’s anxiety and impatience, particularly if they are in a hurry to move on. Throughout their first year of life they are on a steep learning curve and extra pressure, in terms of pressing more tasks on them, needs to be minimised. Just assisting the baby to grow, and helping them to understand how their growth and learning proceeds, is important enough. Practice is a third aspect of learning. Repetition is an intrinsic part of learning and without it we do not consolidate our learning. The development of capabilities requires learning, relearning and further practice, as we can rarely, if ever, learn immediately. In the early phase of learning we cannot always produce our new skills at will. We have to wait for a suitable time to attempt to reproduce our new-found capacity, rather than just expecting it to happen. With practice, it gets easier to reproduce what we have been learning. It is helpful for the baby to practise new skills and most do so automatically. It is important, however, that the baby not become a showpiece or a performing monkey who has 126

LEARNING final pages FINAL

11/10/04

10:52 AM

Page 127

Nine to twelve months

to show off their latest ‘tricks’ in order to get attention. Of course the baby needs admiring parents, grandparents and siblings to notice and acknowledge their recently acquired skills, but they should be noticed and acknowledged in a setting where the skills occur naturally. In this way accomplishments can be viewed as the baby’s achievements by their own efforts, not as a way of satisfying or amusing family and friends. Fourth, the trial-and-error nature of learning should be recognised. The complexity of learning a new skill or idea means that it will sometimes be accompanied by confusion and mistakes. Making errors is intrinsic to learning. It is part of the learning process, as it enables us to learn how to deal with obstacles to learning and gives us a new perspective on the skills or ideas we are trying to come to grips with. Mistakes are not due to stupidity or laziness. They are most likely to occur in the early phases of learning, when we are unfamiliar with the new skill, or from fatigue if we are practising new skills over and over. If we make a mistake we should go back to a point where the skills are more familiar and easily mastered, rather than try to push through the difficulties. We may be overly demanding of our baby when a lot of learning is happening, and find it difficult if the baby returns to an earlier phase. Most babies return to earlier 127

LEARNING final pages FINAL

11/10/04

10:52 AM

Page 128

Learning to love

behaviours at different times and this should be taken into account. On the other hand, we can unwittingly deny our baby the opportunity to develop if we don’t leave them to find their own way to explore the world and experience their own developmental push. If our own parents criticised us we may find it hard to tolerate our baby’s mistakes and inadequacies. Quite often babies, particularly first babies, carry the load of proving our worth to the world. A normal baby who goes through the ordinary trial-and-error process may seem inadequate. They are expected to progress rapidly, rather than just be an ordinary baby who is proceeding normally through the stages of development. Finally, learning proceeds most readily when only a manageable amount is expected at once. A certain amount of challenge is necessary for development but too much change and growth too quickly can be overwhelming. The best conditions involve a certain level of security together with challenges which stretch our known capacities. For example, babies who walk early may not speak early; conversely, those who speak early may walk later. We need to accept this variation in the baby. Overwhelming the baby in the interests of maximising their learning potential can be unhelpful. Attending to and supporting them through each of the normal stages of 128

LEARNING final pages FINAL

11/10/04

10:52 AM

Page 129

Nine to twelve months

development is required, and this is what establishes the best basis for later development. Allowing normal developmental processes to progress in their own way and their own time is the best help we can offer the baby if we want them to achieve their full potential. While it is important to facilitate the baby’s learning and to understand the process of learning, as parents we have to be careful that the baby’s capacity to learn does not become the main point of interest. The most important focus is the relationship between us and the baby. Whether the baby learns slowly or quickly, needs assistance, wants someone nearby or likes to do things on their own is less important than the kind of relationship that they are developing with us and their siblings. Th e D e v e l o p i n g C a p a c i t y t o R e l at e Whether our child is highly verbal or physically skilful or has a wonderful memory, remains secondary to who they are as a little person. This can be difficult to remember if we have unrealised dreams and expectations of our own and would love the child to fulfil them. We all have hopes and dreams for our children, but our main responsibility is to equip them for life in terms of their capacity for relationships with others and their sense of belonging in the community in which they live. This is the greatest gift that 129

LEARNING final pages FINAL

11/10/04

10:52 AM

Page 130

Learning to love

we can offer them. If their capacity to relate to other human beings is attended to, all the rest will fall into place. At this point it will be good to see how Nick, June and Michael are going at the end of their first year as a new family. Between nine and twelve months of age it seemed that Michael made some gains and that some workingthrough had taken place. June was less overwhelmed, and began to see Michael more clearly. She told me that the previous Saturday he had been drinking from his bottle and that he pulled the teat with his teeth so often and so hard that the milk came out and went everywhere. ‘He can be vicious’, she said. Acknowledging that Michael had such natural feelings made life easier for him and June, and that ease showed in their relationship. In addition, my presence was being handled in a way that made me feel less intrusive. One day I heard Michael 130

LEARNING final pages FINAL

11/10/04

10:52 AM

Page 131

Nine to twelve months

protesting when I entered the kitchen. Michael was at June’s feet and she was just finishing the dishes. June said to him, ‘Is someone coming into your house?’ He turned away and burrowed into June, who asked, ‘Michael, aren’t you going to say hello to Lorraine?’ She waited then said, reading Michael’s personality accurately, ‘No kisses and cuddles for Lorraine’. This seemed to help Michael, who looked at me while putting his finger in his mouth. June had clearly identified the problem and my entrance into their home had been bridged. Ginger the cat had likewise found a place in Michael’s mind at last. I noticed Ginger walk past Michael, who watched him and smiled excitedly. The world was finally opening up for Michael and not all of it was bad! June, Michael and I were out the front of the house one day and Michael went over to the garden and began to play with the dirt. June held him by one arm as he opened and closed his hand in the dirt. Michael then found a stone, which he began scratching as if to see whether there was something inside it. He seemed quite engrossed. On this occasion Michael didn’t have to ‘stick’ to June and keep them as a twosome; he was engrossed in the world as she stood nearby talking to me. June was particularly delighted on another occasion when we were in the garden. Michael took a handful of dirt 131

LEARNING final pages FINAL

11/10/04

10:52 AM

Page 132

Learning to love

and a couple of times went to put it in his mouth. However, when June asked him to stop he did, which she acknowledged with ‘Good boy’. This marked a major accomplishment for Michael—it demonstrated a shift in their relationship from preoccupation with himself to recognising June and her role. It was a nice moment to witness because it seemed to indicate that a true parent–child relationship was taking place and June was very pleased. Nick had also developed a strong bond with Michael and they spent very pleasurable times together. However, the vicissitudes of life impinged on Michael as they do on us all. Michael had become very attached to a shawl that he had from birth, and he loved to swathe himself in it. Rusty, his bear, was also a great friend and could never be left behind. Without Rusty there was no possibility of sleep. These important attachments reflected Michael’s growing capacity to relate and form deep attachments. Unfortunately, Rusty was left in a motel where they stayed overnight while on the way to visit Nick’s family. The loss caused great distress, and the next night Michael cried from 2.30 a.m. to 6 a.m. He adjusted to his loss slowly over the next few days. On the return journey Rusty was picked up, but when he was reintroduced to Michael was treated with great disdain. Michael was obviously very angry that Rusty had ‘gone 132

LEARNING final pages FINAL

11/10/04

10:52 AM

Page 133

Nine to twelve months

away’! Much later Michael was able to reaccept Rusty, but never with the same intensity of feeling. Conclusion A whole new world of relationships has opened up for the baby by the end of their first year and a lot of feelings and understandings have to be taken on board. To know our baby we need to be able to understand how they feel, how they develop and learn, what they might be thinking and when they might need to be left alone. This is a huge task, but no more or less than is required in any relationship of depth. Having been understood, the baby can understand and manage their own feelings and know about the feelings of others. This equips them to take this capacity and the ability to empathise into other relationships. This process of being in touch with the self and with others is enriching both for us and for the child, and forms a wonderful basis for the continuing development of relationships in the years ahead.

133

LEARNING final pages FINAL

11/10/04

10:52 AM

Page 134

the continuing story ll the issues that surfaced during the first year will have to be revisited. In fact, the second year is an important time that both consolidates and expands the child’s development. Moving on from a preoccupation with their mother, the emerging toddler begins a love affair with the world. On a physical level this is manifested in the child beginning to walk. This new relationship to the world does not mean that mum and dad are not important. As the child concentrates on practising and mastering skills and is exhilarated by their discoveries, they may seem to be less interested in us. However, there is a strong desire to return to their parents and share their skills and discoveries. We need to be available to receive things, to look at objects and share discoveries. Although twelve months’ maternity leave was a positive development in terms of recognising the needs of the baby and their relationships with their parents, it seems to have

A

134

LEARNING final pages FINAL

11/10/04

10:52 AM

Page 135

The continuing story

had the psychological effect of implying that by the end of their first year the baby no longer has intense dependency needs and can be left quite easily. In fact, leaving the baby still requires considerable thought and care. We must be around sufficiently to meet the dependency needs of the growing and more mobile baby in a different way. We need to be present enough so that the baby feels secure to move away from us and return to us in their own time. This means that they can go and explore their world – perhaps the next room, or the garden – and return to us when they want. Exploring and Returning The mobile child runs off in order to validate their idea that their parents will want to catch them and swoop them up into their arms. Their elation at running away and being caught is related to the fact that they can escape mum or dad yet return to that security. They are preoccupied with the dual task of how to be with their mother or carer, and how to be without her. In their mother’s absence they will recall her and bring her to mind. At fifteen to eighteen months infants develop a further skill in their relationships with mum and dad. They can now draw on a lot of accumulated information about themselves and the world. They can think, ‘I remember what happened the last time I wanted to play that game. 135

LEARNING final pages FINAL

11/10/04

10:52 AM

Page 136

Learning to love

Maybe if I do that again mum/dad might play with me’. They can draw on their memory to help them do what they want in the world. By eighteen months the baby is a toddler, more aware and making greater use of their physical separateness. Alongside this development comes a return to earlier behaviours, which is a response to their increased realisation that they are their own little self and different from their parents. Like all major steps in life, this is both exciting and scary. The toddler begins to express greater frustration and have a greater need for us to be present. They want to share all their experiences with their parents and become very dependent on our approval. B e i n g Q u i e t ly Ava i l a b l e The emotional availability of the parents is critical at this time. Ambivalence is strong and it is our love and acceptance of the toddler that helps them reconcile their feelings of love and hate, of wanting to grow up and wanting to stay attached. Toddlers begin to function at a much higher level, learning to speak and using play to work things out. They can now symbolise and act out issues that trouble them. They also become aware that the mother’s wishes are not always identical with their own, so they feel less ‘on top of the world’. All is not always well for the toddler. 136

LEARNING final pages FINAL

11/10/04

10:52 AM

Page 137

The continuing story

Two characteristic patterns of toddlers are ‘shadowing’ and ‘darting’. Toddlers shadow their mother by watching and following her every move. Difficulties can arise if the mother leaves them, and clinging behaviour can re-emerge. When they dart away from her, they want to be reunited by being swept up into the parent’s arms. Their wish is to be reunited with the loved one, and at the same time not be engulfed or have their separateness taken away. The toddler’s demand for their mother’s constant involvement can seem contradictory. They are more independent than they were at the end of the first year, and want to be so, yet they are also more insistent about sharing every aspect of their life. Although they may be able to realise that that even if their mother is absent the relationship continues, this knowledge is not always sufficient to reassure the toddler when they are missing their mother. For the mother and father the demands of the toddler can be very trying. What is difficult for the child is the growing acceptance of their separateness. Everyone can find this time difficult! Gradually and painfully the toddler lets go of the delusion of their central position, often through dramatic fights or tantrums. Nearly all children express their growing sense of self, and their recognition of their littleness, through rapid mood swings and tantrums. 137

LEARNING final pages FINAL

11/10/04

10:52 AM

Page 138

Learning to love

If we can be quietly available to share the toddler’s adventurous exploits, by playfully responding to their games and understanding their ambivalences, the child begins to internalise their relationship with us and verbal communication begins to take over. The toddler can better see the world as it is rather than how they might want it to be. Predictable emotional involvement from the parents facilitates the unfolding of the toddler’s thought processes. The unique way in which they approach the world becomes apparent. Their constant questioning is one way of testing reality and finding out how the world works. By the age of two the toddler may face the birth of a sibling. This is a major event, as their position as the baby is taken away. The toddler’s curiosity is also aroused: ‘How does this happen?’ Frank responses to questions and 138

LEARNING final pages FINAL

11/10/04

10:52 AM

Page 139

Before the birth

involving the toddler in the pregnancy can help them feel part of the new experience. The new pregnancy, however, may wound their sense of self: ‘How come they wanted another one when they had me?’ In time, the benefits of confronting such questions and thoughts become apparent, but there can be a temporary sense of displacement as the toddler rethinks the world to see how they fit in.

Th e O n g o i n g C o m m i t m e n t Being a parent is a continuing story. We need to draw on different capacities in ourselves at different times, as we move from empathy to firmness in response to the needs of each situation. To do the task well we need support and help from grandparents, friends and the community. Although we have the major role in bringing up our 139

LEARNING final pages FINAL

11/10/04

10:52 AM

Page 140

Learning to love

children, it is also a shared task. Perhaps long day-care centres could become family support centres that help parents deal with babies and older children, as well as giving us some time for our own work or needs. Perhaps we should view our involvement with the baby as engagement in their creation, both physical and psychological. The baby has to be partnered by parents and this means being met, welcomed, helped and attended to if they are to truly come alive. Having been welcomed into the family the baby becomes part of the family. Without us, and left to their own devices or to impersonal care, this process cannot take place.

140

LEARNING final pages FINAL

11/10/04

10:52 AM

Page 141

Before the birth

141

LEARNING final pages FINAL

11/10/04

10:52 AM

Learning to love

142

Page 142

LEARNING final pages FINAL

11/10/04

10:52 AM

Page 143

Before the birth

143

FA LEARNING TO LOVE

11/10/04

10:47 AM

Page 1

Learning to Love explores the evolving relationship between mother, father and baby. Focusing on the first year of life, it looks at the emotional dimension of becoming a parent, and offers an understanding of the baby’s emotional needs. Also examined are:

• key mental and emotional milestones in the first 12 months; • parent’s changing relationship with each other as well as their baby; • growth of both the traditional and non-traditional family unit; and • case studies of common parenting dilemmas. Based on infant observation, psychodynamic theory and personal experience, Learning to Love is an informative, warm and engaging book for the prospective and new parent.

‘This book helps you find your own way of dealing with your baby rather than telling you what to do. It made me more aware of the bonding process that takes place between you and the baby.’ Alison Hunter, mother of Finn, five months ‘Learning to Love is an exceptionally helpful, insightful look at the first year of a baby’s life. Illuminating … ’ Anne Manne, journalist and mother

L O R R AI N E R O SE

Lorraine Rose is a psychologist and analytical psychotherapist with 25 years experience. She has worked extensively with mothers, fathers and babies, and is the founding member of the Parent-Infant Foundation. She lives in Sydney with her partner and has an adult daughter.

LEARN I NG T O L O V E

t may be one of the most natural processes, but becoming a parent can be as daunting as it is rewarding. Having a baby changes everything, and the biggest area of change for new parents is also one of the least explored: how do you relate to this new person in your life?

I

LEARN I N G T OL O V E

PRESS

L O R R AI N E R O SE