Just Chill: Navigating Social Norms and Expectations

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N a v ig a t i n g So c ia l N o r m s a n d Ex p e c ta t i o n s

b y M K Eh r m a n

Essent i al Healt h

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N a v ig a t i n g So c ia l N o r m s a n d Ex p e c ta t i o n s

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&UHGLWV Published by ABDO Publishing Company, 8000 West 78th Street, Edina, Minnesota 55439. Copyright © 2011 by Abdo Consulting Group, Inc. International copyrights reserved in all countries. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form without written permission from the publisher. The Essential Library™ is a trademark and logo of ABDO Publishing Company. Printed in the United States of America, North Mankato, Minnesota 062010 092010

Editor: Amy Van Zee Copy Editor: Richard Reece Interior Design and Production: Marie Tupy Cover Design: Marie Tupy Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data Ehrman, MK Just chill : navigating social norms and expectations / MK Ehrman ; content consultant, Robyn J. A. Silverman p. cm. — (Essential health : a guy’s guide) Includes index. ISBN 978-1-61613-542-3 1. Young men—Conduct of life. 2. Young men—Life skills guides. 3. Communication. I. Silverman, Robyn J. A. II. Title. BJ1671.E37 2011 646.700835’1—dc22 2010017055

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Good luck, MK



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9

ith money comes something we didn’t really expect: responsibility. That is, the responsibility to make wise decisions about what to do with it. Should you save it? Spend it? And if so, on what? It’s hard enough to think clearly about what to do with your money. But it’s even harder when you are the target of advertising that constantly tries to make you spend it on tons of different products. Did you know that your age group is one of the groups that advertisers focus on the most? And what do you do when everybody suddenly shows up listening to the same music

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player or wearing the same label? Sometimes that’s enough to make you feel like a freak or a loser or to make you wonder if maybe everybody knows something you don’t. That’s kind of what happened to Luther. You could say he knows what it’s like to experience a “full-court press.”

/XWKHU·V6WRU\ Ever since he was old enough to walk, Luther’s life revolved around basketball. After dinner, he’d run out to shoot a few hoops in the driveway before it got too

Di d yo u k no w t hat yo ur ag e g r o up is o ne o f t he g ro ups th a t adv ert isers fo cus o n th e mo st ? And what do yo u do when ev erybo dy s u d denly sho ws up li st eni ng to the same musi c player o r w e a ring t he same label?



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dark. On weekend afternoons, he’d head down to the park where there was always a pickup game. Luther was tall, a fast dribbler, and a good shooter. He never had to worry about being picked last for a team. When Luther got to junior high, he easily made the starting team. But when he showed up to the first practice, he noticed something. His teammates were all wearing basketball shoes with familiar logos. Luther, on the other hand, was wearing some plain athletic shoes his mom had picked up from some discount department store. For the first time he could remember, Luther felt embarrassed and unsure of himself on a basketball court.

6GHMJ#ANTS+S • Have you ever had an e x p e rie n ce l ike Lu t h e r ’s ? W hat happened? • Is it importa nt f o r Lu the r to w e ar the sa m e k i nd of s hoes a s every o n e e l se ? Why o r w hy n o t?

Luther made an announcement at dinner that night: “Mom, Dad, I need new sneakers.” “What’s wrong with the ones you have?” his mother asked. “They’re almost new.” “They’re just not right!” Luther finally said, looking down at the table.

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“Well,” said his dad, “if you want new sneakers, you can pay for them with the money you made mowing lawns this summer.” “But Dad, you know I’m saving that to buy NBA tickets!” Luther exclaimed. “Sorry, Son,” his father told him. “But that’s how it is. We can’t afford to buy you everything you may want.”

6GHMJ#ANTS+S • Wh at d id Lu the r m e an w he n h e s a i d t h a t h i s sn e ake rs w e re “ n o t rig ht” ? W a s t h a t a g ood answ e r to his m o m ’ s q u e stio n? W h y or w h y not ? • Ha v e y o u e v e r had a situ ati on w h e r e y ou w an te d tw o thin g s b u t o n l y h a d m one y f or one ? Wh at w as it? What d id y o u d o?

At school, Luther ran into his coach and decided to talk with him about the situation. “Coach Braden,” he asked, “do I need to get myself some different sneakers?” The coach looked puzzled. “The rules say only that you need to show up in uniform and wear acceptable athletic footwear. Is there any reason why you think the ones you have are not acceptable?”





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Luther explained that everyone seemed to be wearing the same brand that the NBA players wore— the kind advertised on billboards and at the mall. Luther, on the other hand, wore a brand nobody had ever heard of. “Well, Luther,” Coach Braden said, “it’s true that some of those brands have features that might be helpful with your game: extra cushioning, more flexibility, and things like that. On the other hand, you might be paying extra just for a name and a design. It’s up to you whether you want to pay extra for those things. All I care about is that you play the best game you possibly can, and the same goes for your teammates.” The coach gave Luther some magazines with reviews of new athletic shoes by people who didn’t work for the shoe companies. “Maybe these can help you decide,” he said.

6GHMJ#ANTS+S • D oes the fa ct that a p ro f e ssio n al p l ay e r r ecommends a c e rtain b ran d o f sho e m e a n t h a t t h e bra nd is someho w b e tte r? Why o r w hy n o t ? H a v e yo u ever b ou g ht so m e thin g j u st b e cau se a c e l e b r i t y r ecommended it? • W hy do y ou thin k the c o ac h g av e Lu the r t h os e ma g azines? Cou l d n ’ t he hav e j u st to l d h i m w h a t t o do and w hich s ho e s to b u y ? Why d id n ’ t h e ?

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At the mall, Luther went into an athletic shoe store and started trying on shoes. Next to the shoes, there were life-size cardboard cutouts of the NBA stars who recommended them. He tried on the pair with the same design and logo that most of his new teammates wore. “How much are they?” he asked the salesperson. “Those just came out,” the salesperson replied. “They’re $180.” That was all the money Luther had. As he reached into his gym bag, the coach’s magazines accidentally spilled out. He realized that he hadn’t even read them yet, and the NBA tickets weren’t sold out yet. Besides, no one was going to kick him off the team today for wearing his old shoes. “Can I ring them up for you?” the salesperson asked. Luther looked at his feet with the new shoes. His plain shoes were on the floor next to them. “Thanks,” he finally answered, “but I have some research to do first.”

6GHMJ#ANTS+S • Wh at d o y o u thin k Lu the r e v e nt ua l l y d e c i d e d to do ? What w o u l d y o u hav e d one ? W h y ? • Wh at d o y o u thin k w e n t thr oug h L ut h e r ’s m i nd as he l o o ke d at the n e w b as k e t b a l l s h oe s a nd his p l ain sho e s?



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ew people forget their first job. There’s something satisfying about earning money for work you’ve done. It makes you feel like you’re on your way to being an independent adult. Making your own money might give you the chance to spend it on some extra things. Sometimes, though, it can make you forget how much you still rely on your parents for most of your needs. Making your own money does allow you some extra freedom, but your parents will probably still insist on some limits. What should these limits be? Well, that’s up to each family to work out. And “work out” can sometimes mean getting into conflict. This might sound like a

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bad thing, but it doesn’t have to be. As Sam is about to learn, getting into conflict with your parents isn’t the end of the world. As a matter of fact, learning to handle conflict sensibly is actually an important step on the road to adulthood.

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M a k i ng yo ur o wn mo ney d o e s allo w yo u so me ext ra

At 6:00 p.m., Sam f r e e do m, but yo ur parent s brought the last of the w i ll pro bably st ill insist o n dogs, Lucy, a big mixed s o m e li mi t s. breed, back to the Greenwalds’ house and was done for the day. About two months ago, his parents told him they would provide Sam with everything he needed, but if he



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wanted to buy any “luxuries,” he would have to pay for them himself. And that meant getting a job. It was their way of teaching him how to be responsible with money. Sam came up with the idea of walking his neighbors’ dogs, and it had worked out really well. He walked six dogs a day, twice a day, for a dollar a dog. Sam carefully put away half his earnings, and his savings added up quickly. His parents kept his savings for him, marking down how much money he’d earned on a board on the refrigerator. Today, he was ready to spend it.

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“Mom, Dad,” he said when he got home, “can I have my money now? There’s something I want to get.” “Sure,” his Dad answered. “The money’s yours. What are you going to get?” “A dog,” Sam answered. When his father said, “No way!” Sam was angry and disappointed.

6GHMJ#ANTS+S • Ha v e y o u e v e r sav e d u p f o r s om e t h i ng a nd fou n d o u t l ate r that y o u r p a r e nt s w oul d n’t l e t y ou b u y it? What w as it? W h a t h a p p e ne d ? • Do y o u thin k S am de se rv e d t o g e t a d og i f h e sav e d u p the m o n e y f o r it? W h y or w h y not ?

“But Dad!” Sam protested. “You said the money was mine.” “Yes, it’s yours,” his Dad responded. “But you’re still my son, and your mother and I make the rules in this house. And we say no to getting a dog.” Sam got very angry. “That’s not fair!” he said. “You lied to me!” “That’s no way to talk to your parents,” his dad replied. “This is still our house, and while you’re here, you live by our rules.”





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Within a day or two, people started calling Sam’s house, wondering why he didn’t come by to walk their dogs. Sam didn’t even answer the phone. He just let it go to voice mail. When his mom discovered all the messages, she wanted to know why Sam stopped working. “Why should I make money if I can’t even spend it on what I want?” he asked. His mom thought for a second and said, “I think it’s time we called a family meeting.”

6GHMJ#ANTS+S • W hat do you thin k o f S am ’ s d ad’ s re aso ns f or not all ow ing him to g e t a do g ? • W hat do you thin k ab o u t Sam ’ s de cisio n not t o work any more? H o w w o u l d y o u hav e han d l e d t h e s itu ation?

When Sam’s dad got home, they all sat around the kitchen table. Sam pointed out the reason he got a job in the first place was because they said he needed to learn how to manage his own money. Now that he wanted to make a decision, they wouldn’t let him. His dad explained to Sam that getting a dog was not like getting a new shirt. Even though Sam had

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a lot of experience walking dogs, taking care of one full-time was a big responsibility—one that would affect the entire family. “Have you researched anything about training a dog?” he asked. “Do you know how much work it is to train a puppy? They need a lot of care and attention.” Sam admitted that he hadn’t. “If I learn all about it, then can I get one?” he asked. “Well,” his mom said, “why don’t you do some research. Think about it for a while. If you still want a dog by your sixteenth birthday, we can consider it then. That way, we know you’re not rushing into a bad decision. Is that a deal?” It sounded reasonable to Sam. “Okay,” he said, grabbing his jacket and heading out the door. “Where are you going?” his father asked him. “I gotta get over to the Greenwalds’ right away,” he said. “Otherwise, I’m going to lose a customer.”

6GHMJ#ANTS+S • What do you think about the solution that Sam’s family worked out? Would you be satisfied with it if you were Sam? Why or why not? • Wh y d id S am su d de n l y star t t o c a r e a b out l os in g c u sto m e rs w he n he ha d n’t c a r e d b e f or e ?



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kay, so who wants money? Easy question, right? Everybody does. Having money allows you to buy the things you want—from a pizza after school to a hot new video game. Just having money in your pocket somehow makes you feel good. But money can be like fire. If you don’t handle it wisely, you can get burned. You’ll probably find that the first time you’re in charge of spending your own money—like when you get your first real allowance—it creates as many problems as it solves. Do you spend it for something you want now, or save it up for something bigger? And then there’s the annoying fact that no matter how

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much money you have, you can never buy everything you want. Trickiest of all is the way having—or not having—money can change the way we look at ourselves and the way others look at us. You know that expression, “Money can’t buy you love”? Well, as Manny is about to find out, it doesn’t even buy you friendship. Not for long, anyway.

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Y o u ’ll pro bably find t hat th e first t i me yo u’re i n

Manny kept looking at c h a rg e o f spending yo ur o wn his wallet to make sure mo n ey—li k e when yo u g et he wasn’t dreaming, but yo u r fi rst real allo wance—i t there it was: a crisp $50 c r e at es as many pro blems bill. He had never felt a s i t so lv es. richer than he did at that very moment. His parents had decided he was old enough to receive a monthly allowance and today was



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payday! Manny couldn’t wait to get to school so he could brag about it, especially to his friend Salim. During recess, Manny casually took out his wallet and started playing with the bill. It had a big picture of President Ulysses S. Grant and actually changed colors when he tilted it. Other kids gathered around to look. “Manny, where’d you get that?” they asked. “My parents,” he answered smugly. “But it’s mine now.” “What are you gonna spend it on?” Salim asked. “My friends, of course,” he answered. And suddenly, Manny found that he had a lot of friends. After school, Manny announced he was going out for pizza. “Who wants to come?” Half the class followed him. At the pizza parlor, Manny bought the double jumbo pizza special. Within minutes, it was all gone.

6GHMJ#ANTS+S • W as it a g ood id e a f o r M an n y to sho w of f h i s money in front o f e v e ry o n e ? Why o r w hy not ? • Have you ever b o u g ht thin g s f o r p e o p l e j us t t o b e popu l ar? What hap p e n e d?

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Afterward, the group passed a video game store. Someone pointed out that a new car racing game was on sale. “C’mon, Manny, get the game so we can all play it,” said Manny’s classmate Nate. “Manny, what are you doing?” Salim whispered to him. “You always said Nate was mean. He and his friends used to ignore you. Why are you buying all that stuff for them?”





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But Nate pushed his way in between them and threw his arm around Manny. “So you ‘da man’ or not, Mr. Moneybags?” Manny still had plenty of cash left in his wallet, so he figured, Why not? “Okay, video games at my house,” he announced. Everybody cheered, and Manny felt better than he had in a long time. He liked being “Mr. Moneybags.” He didn’t even notice that Salim didn’t come along.

6GHMJ#ANTS+S • W hy does Sa l im try to tal k M an n y o u t o f b uy i ng the video g a me ? • If N ate a nd his f rie n d s w e re m e an to M a nny , w h y does he w a nt to tre at the m to p iz z a an d a v i d e o game? • Have you ever f o u n d y o u rse l f try in g to d o ni c e thing s for peop l e w ho acte d l ike the y d id n’t l i k e yo u ? How did it w o rk o u t?

Manny’s mom soon noticed he was hanging out with a new crowd. “Where did all these people come from?” she asked him. “And how come I don’t see Salim around? I thought he was your friend.”

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“Salim doesn’t like to have fun like these guys do,” Manny answered. “Well, just make sure you’re not buying your friends,” his mom warned him. “Because at this rate, you won’t be able to afford them. You still have three weeks to go before you get your next allowance, so I hope you’re putting some money away.” To Manny, the idea of “buying” friends sounded like a joke. “Don’t worry, Mom,” he said. “I still got plenty left.”

6GHMJ#ANTS+S • Wh at d o y o u thin k o f M an ny ’s m om ’s a d v i c e ? • Do y o u thin k p e o p l e ac t dif f e r e nt l y w h e n t h e y hav e m o n e y ? I n w hat w ay ? • Do y o u thin k p e o p l e ac t dif f e r e nt l y toward p e o p l e w ho do n ’ t hav e m one y ? In w hat w ay ?

The next week, the kids all followed Manny to the pizza parlor after school. He sat down at the table and was ready to order, but when he looked in his wallet, there was nothing there. He didn’t even have any money to buy a small slice for himself!





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“Er, sorry guys,” he said, a little embarrassed. “I guess I’m out of cash. Maybe somebody else can buy the pizza today.” “What, no pizza money, Moneybags?” Nate said. “In that case, we’re outta here.” And suddenly Manny was sitting all alone. “What happened to all your friends, Manny?” he heard someone say. Manny looked up to see Salim was standing by the door. “You were right about Nate and those guys,” Manny said. “I can’t believe what an idiot I’ve been. I’m really hungry now, and nobody would even buy me a small slice.” “Well, at least you know it now,” Salim said. “C’mon, let’s eat. My treat.”

6GHMJ#ANTS+S • W hy do y ou thin k M an n y ran o u t o f m o n e y s o f a s t ? W hat shou l d he hav e d o n e to p re v e n t th a t ? • D o you g et an al l o w an c e o r m ake m o n e y a t a j ob ? D o you have a b u dg e t? I f n o , w hy n o t? • D o you think M an n y l e arn e d so m e thin g a b out money a nd frien dship ? I f so , w hat?

/ Q / N M D XA @ F R



“ W h at , no piz z a mo ney, M o neybag s?” Nat e said. “ I n that case, we’re o ut t a h e r e.” And suddenly Manny w a s sit t ing all alo ne.

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rowing up, guys and girls are like two sides of an accordion. When you’re really young, you all pretty much hang out together. Then as you get a little older, you kind of separate—boys with boys, girls with girls. Then guys start to get interested in girls again in a different and much more confusing way. Meanwhile, we become very aware of being guys and start to feel like we’re supposed to “act like men.” The hard part is that we really don’t know what that means. In fact, nobody really knows what that means, but that doesn’t stop most guys from pretending like they do. While we might get some signals from the television shows we watch or the

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music we listen to, we’re mostly going to look at the other guys we hang around with and act like them. And usually that means acting tough. Sometimes, a guy might even start to disrespect a girl to prove he doesn’t like her. But that’s not what makes a real man, as Trey will slowly learn.

7UH\·V6WRU\

W e b eco me v ery aware o f

It was just another b e i n g g uys and st art t o feel afternoon, and Trey was li ke we’re suppo sed t o “act doing what he usually li ke men.” The hard part i s did: hanging out with his th a t we really do n’t k no w pals, Baxter and Chen. w h a t t hat means. Sometimes they would go to someone’s house to play video games, or if the weather was nice, they’d hang out in the park and play Frisbee or basketball. They liked to listen to music, too. Trey was from the South, so he had grown up listening to country music. He even played the guitar. But Baxter and Chen’s favorite songs were full of negative words about girls. “Only wimps like that romantic stuff,” Baxter would say. Trey didn’t want to look weak. So he started listening to the same kind of music. Trey remembered when he was younger, the boys and girls all basically mixed together, but not anymore. And Baxter and the guys were very antigirl. Mostly, the guys would just order the girls around, as if it were the girls’ job to do whatever the guys



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wanted. When the girls refused, Chen and Baxter would call them names, the kind of names they’d hear in those songs. Soon, Trey started using those words, too. The girls usually just turned and walked away mumbling things like, “Those boys are so immature,” or “Grow up!”

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6GHMJ#ANTS+S • Do e s the kin d o f m u sic y o u l i s t e n t o s a y any thin g ab o u t y o u ? What d o y ou t h i nk y our mu sic taste say s? • Wh y d o y o u thin k the b o y s s t a r t e d b e i ng “antig irl ” ? H av e y o u e v e r b e e n “ a nt i g i r l ”? • Ha v e y o u e v e r starte d u sin g a w or d j us t b e cau se y o u r f rie n ds w e re us i ng i t ?

One day, Trey was assigned to write a report about how electricity works. He didn’t have the slightest idea where to find the answers. He asked Baxter and Chen for help, but they didn’t know either. The only person who would know was the smartest kid in their science class, Leticia. Trey and Leticia had been friends when they were younger, but lately they never spoke to each other. Trey tried to approach her, but she just ignored him. “You have to help,” Trey said. “Otherwise, I’m going to fail.” Leticia laughed. “Well, maybe if you don’t treat us girls like dirt, some of us might even care,” she said and walked away. Trey got angry and started yelling names at her. Leticia didn’t even turn around.





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6GHMJ#ANTS+S • D o you think it w as rig ht f o r Le tic ia n ot t o h e l p Trey ? How do yo u thin k she f e l t ab o u t t h e w a y Trey a nd his fr ie n d s tal ke d ab o u t g irl s? • Have you ever m ade so m e o n e an g ry w ith y ou be cau se of how y o u sp o ke ab o u t the g roup h e or s he b el ong ed to ? What hap p e n e d?

Trey was mad when he got home. He walked through the door and threw his books on the floor. “What’s gotten into you?” his dad demanded. Trey angrily explained what had happened and how Leticia wouldn’t help him. “Well, if you spoke to her the same way you are speaking to me now, no wonder she won’t help you,” his dad said. “What you’re saying sounds a lot like what I hear coming out of your iPod. If you want Leticia’s help, you have to treat her with respect.” “What do you mean?” Trey asked. Trey’s dad explained that Trey was probably just beginning to notice how different boys are from girls. “Sometimes that can feel uncomfortable,” his dad said, “but boys will always need girls, and girls will need boys. You all have to learn to get along together.”

6 G D .@ C H D R / @ M

6GHMJ#ANTS+S • Wh at d o y o u thin k o f T re y ’ s d a d ’s a d v i c e ? Ha s an y o n e e v e r g iv e n y o u good a d v i c e a b out how to tre at g irl s? Who w as i t ? W h a t d i d h e or she say ? • Wh at d o y o u thin k it m e an s t o t r e a t g i r l s w i t h resp e c t?

At school the next day, Trey went over to Leticia and apologized. “Hey, Lateesh, I just wanted to let you know that the way I acted to you was wrong.





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I don’t expect you to help me with my paper, but I still wanted to tell you I was sorry.” “I’m glad you said that,” she responded. She was quiet for a minute. Then she said, “You know, my mom can’t pick me up today, and I need someone to help me carry all my lab stuff home. Well, maybe if you do that, I’ll see what I can tell you about electricity.” Trey used to help Leticia carry things home many times. He hadn’t minded it at all, and it was actually kind of fun hanging out with her. “Deal!” Trey said.

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After school, Trey ran into Baxter and Chen. They invited him to go with them to the park, but Trey said no. “Aw, man,” Baxter said, “you going to A f ter scho o l, Trey ran int o go hang out with that—” B a xt er and C hen. They i n v i ted him t o g o wi t h t hem Trey stopped him to the park , but Trey right there. “She’s my s a i d no . friend,” he said. Leticia smiled as Trey came over to help her with some bags. He thought about the school dance that was coming up. Maybe he could even ask her to go.

6GHMJ#ANTS+S • Did ap o l o g iz in g to Le tic ia m a k e Tr e y l ook w e ak? D id in te rru p tin g B ax t e r b e f or e h e c a l l e d Le ticia a b ad n am e m ake T r e y l ook w e a k ? Wh y o r w hy n o t? • Did B ax te r an d C he n hav e t h e r i g h t t o b e ang ry w he n T re y d id n ’ t hang out w i t h t h e m ? Wh y o r w hy n o t? • Do y o u thin k T re y an d Le ti c i a ’s r e l a t i ons h i p w il l b e the sam e as it w as w h e n t h e y w e r e y oun g e r, o r d if f e re n t? I f d iff e r e nt , h ow s o?

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t’s going to happen sooner or later, so you’d better get ready. At some point, you’ll face the pressure to drink alcohol. We see so much on television and elsewhere that shows drinking as being fun, happy, and cool. It’s really hard to understand how dangerous it can be to drink alcohol, especially when you’re young. Alcohol has negative effects on many things, including schoolwork, sports, or even the ability to follow a movie or a conversation. Then there’s the damage it does to your body and brain, particularly when you’re still developing. And worst of all, like cigarettes, it’s very addictive.

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The thing is, no kid puts down a soft drink and picks up the hard stuff because he likes the taste. It’s usually because there’s something missing in a person’s life, or he thinks he has something to prove. And focusing on that can help you resist the pressure that says, “If you don’t drink, you’re not really cool.” It’s not easy, but it’s important. It was an important lesson for Carlos—and one for you, too.

&DUORV·V6WRU\ Carlos lived alone I t’ s really hard t o with his mom. She u n d erst and ho w dang ero us was a successful i t c an be t o drink alco ho l, businesswoman, so e s p eci ally when yo u’re Carlos always had nice yo u ng . clothes and plenty of cool gadgets. The only problem was that his mom moved a lot because of business, so Carlos always had a hard time making friends. And because she was always so involved with work, either going off to meetings or making deals on the phone, Carlos hardly spent any time with her. He was often bored. Carlos was jealous of Justin, a guy at school who always seemed to have friends hanging around him. Carlos often wondered what he needed to do to become part of his group. One day, Carlos was walking home and saw Justin and some other kids going into Justin’s house.



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“Hey, it’s that Carlos kid,” Justin called out. “My folks are away so we’re going to party. Are you in?” Carlos didn’t know what Justin meant, but he didn’t want to blow it by sounding like an idiot. “Sure,” he answered, and followed the guys into the house.

6G D $ QN V M $ @ F F D  Q 

6GHMJ#ANTS+S • Ha v e y o u e v e r p re te n de d y ou k ne w w h a t w as g o in g o n b e c au se y o u we r e t oo em b arrasse d to ask? What h a p p e ne d ? • Do y o u thin k C arl o s d id the r i g h t t h i ng i n this situ atio n ? What w o u l d y ou h a v e d one ?

In the kitchen, Justin tossed Carlos a can of beer like it was some totally normal thing. Carlos had never before tasted any kind of alcohol. “You’re not still a baby, are you?” Justin asked as Carlos hesitated. Everyone chanted, “Drink! Drink!” until Carlos cracked open the can and drank. The beer tasted awful. It was foamy and bitter, but Carlos made himself swallow it. When everyone shouted “Yeah!” he took another sip. And then another. The other guys were cracking open cans for themselves, and someone passed him another beer. He drank that, too. Things got blurrier after that. Carlos barely remembered walking home. His mom wasn’t home when he got there. Carlos felt sick that night and thought he was going to throw up the next morning. But his mom didn’t mention anything the next day. Carlos got a text that afternoon from Justin. He felt like he’d broken into the group—even if his head was pounding.





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6GHMJ#ANTS+S • If Ca rl os didn’t l ike the taste o f b e e r, w h y d o yo u think he k e p t drin kin g ? What w o u l d y ou h a v e done? • Have you ever f e l t p re ssu re to d rin k al c oh ol or d o s o mething y ou kn e w y o u sho u l d n ’ t do ? W h a t w a s tha t l ike? What did y o u e n d u p do in g ? • D o you think that drin kin g al co ho l is a s i g n t h a t yo u ’re g row n u p ?

A few weeks later, Carlos was called in to see Mr. Ikeda, the guidance counselor. “Carlos, your teachers have noticed that your grades are dropping and that you don’t seem interested in school,” he began. “I’m wondering whether something has changed recently? Are you having any problems at home?” “My mom’s been having trouble at work, and she’s been needing me to help out extra around the house,” Carlos answered, surprised at how easy it was to lie. He didn’t have any chores. His mother hired people to do that. “Well, next week is parent-teacher night,” Mr. Ikeda said. “Maybe we can all talk about how to arrange things so your schoolwork doesn’t suffer.”

6G D $ QN V M $ @ F F D Q

But Carlos wasn’t worried. His mom was always too busy to attend those things, anyway.

6GHMJ#ANTS+S • Wh y d o y o u thin k Carl o s sta r t e d d oi ng p oor l y a t scho o l ? I s the re o n e re aso n , or m or e t h a n one ? • Do y o u thin k C arl o s sho u l d h a v e t ol d Mr . I k e d a the tru th? H av e y o u e v e r l ie d t o c ov e r up som e thin g y o u d id n ’ t w an t p e op l e t o k now y ou w e re do in g ? What hap p e n e d ?





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Carlos liked the idea of having drinking buddies. It sounded very grown up. Justin had an older brother who would sometimes give them a bottle of something. Or, they would try to get people to go into the store and buy alcohol for them. They switched to whiskey because the bottles were smaller and easier to hide. Soon, Justin began bringing bottles to school and secretly “brown bagging,” as they called it, in the schoolyard. “I better get to homeroom,” Justin said, holding his almost-empty bottle. “Who wants to finish this?” They had already had a lot to drink, but Carlos liked to show he was braver than anyone else. As he tipped his head back and drank, the schoolyard spun around him. He felt like he was going to be sick. Mr. Ikeda happened to be walking by just then. He had barely asked, “What’s going on?” before Carlos doubled over. The bottle fell from his hand and smashed on the ground.

6GHMJ#ANTS+S • W hat do you thin k m ad e C arl o s w an t to p r ov e h e was b ra ver tha n his f rie n ds? • Have you ever do n e so m e thin g y o u sho u ld n’t h a v e done ju st to fe e l l ike y o u w e re g ro w n u p ? W h a t was it?

6G D $ QN V M $ @ F F D Q

Twenty minutes later, Carlos was sitting in the nurse’s office. He felt like the room was spinning. Mr. Ikeda was there, too, and they were all waiting for Carlos’s mother to arrive. “We were wondering why his grades were falling,” Mr. Ikeda said when she finally got there. “Did you know your son was drinking? Have you talked to him about it?” “I’ve been so wrapped up in my work,” his mother replied. “I had no idea Carlos was drinking.” Carlos could tell she was angry. When they got into the car, Carlos’s mom looked at him and said, “I haven’t been paying enough attention to you or to what you’ve been doing. I think you and I need to start talking to each other.” Carlos agreed, but at that moment, he felt too sick to say so.

6GHMJ#ANTS+S • Wh at d o y o u thin k w il l hap p e n t o C a r l os ? W i l l he drin k ag ain ? • Wh at e f f e c t do y o u thin k it w i l l h a v e i f C a r l os and his m o the r sp e n d m o re t i m e t og e t h e r talkin g ? D o y o u thin k that w i l l m a k e h i m l e s s l ike l y to start drin kin g ag ain ? W h y or w h y not ?



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s you grow up, you start to become aware of all the things life has to offer. It’s only natural to be curious and want to experiment. After all, that’s a big part of how we learn about ourselves and learn about the world. In most cases, even if we make mistakes, we can pick ourselves up and move on, better and wiser for our experience. In a few cases, however, life might not be so forgiving. It’s important to remember that risking our lives or permanently damaging our health in the name of fun is never worth the risk. And this is often the case for kids who— because of boredom or pressure from

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friends or both—experiment with different ways of getting high. Luckily, most schools and parents make sure that kids understand the dangers of using drugs, which include health damage, brain damage, and death. What is often overlooked, though, are other methods of getting high—methods that don’t involve drugs. Some of these methods, as Damian is about to learn, are just as dangerous as drugs, if not more so. The consequences are every bit as severe.

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W h at i s o ft en o v erlo o k ed,

“Another boring day th o ug h, are o t her met ho ds in a boring town,” said o f get t i ng hig h—met ho ds Damian as his friend Kyle th a t do n’t i nv o lve drug s. walked in the front door of Damian’s house. Most people didn’t understand what it was like to be stuck in the middle of a nowhere town with nothing to do. Kyle understood. That’s why Damian liked to hang out with him. “I know,” Kyle said. “So where are your parents?” Damian explained that his mom had to have an operation recently, and now his dad took her to the doctor every few days to make sure everything was better. “Oh yeah?” Kyle asked. “Did she bring back any pain pills?” “Yeah,” Damian said. “Well, let’s take some,” Kyle said. “If you don’t have any pain, then they make you high.”



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“Whatever. Do you seriously think I’m gonna let you swipe my mom’s pain meds? Besides, she’ll know if some are missing.” Damian wasn’t about to gamble on taking something the doctor hadn’t given directly to him. “Okay, well, I know how to get a buzz without any drugs,” Kyle said. He explained that all you needed to do was choke someone for a little bit with a belt or a necktie. “Once you let go, it feels really good. It’s called Pass Out,” he said. “Wanna try it?”

6GHMJ#ANTS+S • Is g etting hig h the o n l y so l u tio n to b o re d om ? W h a t else cou l d Da m ian an d Ky l e d o f o r f u n ? • Have you ever he ard o f a g am e l ike Pass O ut ? W hat do you kn o w ab o u t it? • D o you think Ky l e is a g o o d f rie n d to D a m i a n? W hy or w hy not ?

Kyle took off his belt. He wrapped it around his neck and then pulled it tight. His face turned red, then white, then a little blue. His eyes bulged and turned red. Damian was afraid that Kyle might pass out but just before he did, Kyle let go of the belt. “Whoa,” he said, spinning around the room. “Cool.”

6 G D % G N JD Q

Kyle offered the belt to Damian, but Damian was still a bit unsure. “Wuss!” Kyle said. Damian wrapped the belt around his neck and pulled. The pressure on his neck felt terrible, and his heart started to race. When he let go, his brain started to tingle, but he thought it felt good. Well, it felt different, anyway. He and Kyle started playing Pass Out whenever they felt bored, which turned out to be quite often.

6GHMJ#ANTS+S • Have you ever done something because you were afraid of being called a wuss? What happened? • Do e s Pass Ou t so u n d l ike a h e a l t h y or a s m a r t w ay to p ass the tim e ? Why or w h y not ?





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One day at school, a man came to speak to Damian’s class. He told them a terrible story about how his son died playing something called the Choking Game. What he described sounded exactly like what Damian and Kyle called Pass Out. The man even said the game has many different names. “And even if you don’t die, the game damages your brain . . . forever,” he told them. “It’s worse than a lot of drugs.” Damian was shocked by what the man said. He had no idea what they were doing was so dangerous. But Kyle just laughed. “Don’t worry about that guy,” he said. “His son was probably a total loser.” Kyle told Damian to meet him in the locker room for a quick buzz. Damian wasn’t sure. He said he would catch up with him later.

6GHMJ#ANTS+S • W hat do you thin k ab o u t ho w D am ian re a c t e d t o wha t the ma n said ab o u t the C ho kin g G a m e ? W h a t do y ou think of Ky l e ’ s re actio n ? • Have you ever do n e so m e thin g an d l e arne d l a t e r tha t it w as very dan g e ro u s? What hap p e ne d ? • W as Damia n right in n o t g o in g w ith Ky l e t o t h e lo cker room? W hat e l se c o u l d D am ian ha v e d one ?

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Damian walked up to the table where the man had some pamphlets and other information. “Do you know anything about the Choking Game?” the man asked him. “Yeah, I think I heard somebody talking about it once,” Damian answered, not wanting to reveal too much. “Well, don’t ever do it, please,” the man told him. “And don’t let your friends do it either.”





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“How can I stop other people from doing it?” Damian asked. Before the man had a chance to answer, one of Damian’s classmates burst into the room. “Come quick!” he shouted. “Kyle’s in the locker room, and he’s not breathing!” When they got “ C om e q u i c k ! ” he s h o u te d . there, Kyle was slumped “ Kyle ’ s i n t he l o c ke r r o o m , on a bench with a belt a nd h e ’ s n o t b re a th i n g ! ” around his neck while the principal was calling 911. “Does anybody know how this happened?” the principal asked. Damian just stood there, not knowing what to say.

6GHMJ#ANTS+S • How do you thin k D am ian f e l t w he n he l e a r ne d wha t ha ppened to Ky l e ? • Is there somethin g D am ian c o u l d hav e done t o pr event this? W hat?

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hings have really changed when it comes to clothing and style. These days, there are as many styles for guys as there are for girls. So now you and your peers are under all kinds of pressure to express yourselves through your appearance. For some, that means conforming to the most popular styles. Others, like Tommy, feel the need to express themselves as individuals. This can mean risking ridicule from others who might not appreciate your creative expression. It’s a tougher way to go, and it takes a little more guts to wear clothes that stand out from the crowd, but it’s one step toward being comfortable in your

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own skin. Maybe you don’t think about clothes at all, or maybe you can’t think about anything else. Either way, as Tommy found out, it is good to look at style as something that makes life a little more interesting.

7RPP\·V6WRU\ Tommy loved to draw and was really into photography. Recently, he had learned how to use some image editing software by watching his older brother Blake, who was a graphic designer. Tommy loved finding new creative outlets. He saw them as a way to express himself. But as much as he liked creativity, he never really felt comfortable with the way he dressed. Tommy attended a school where everyone pretty much dressed the same. Lately, his classmates had been following preppy trends and shopping at the same stores at the mall. They wore shirts with logos displayed across the fronts. Tommy halfheartedly wore the same brands. But he never really felt like his clothes reflected I t’ s a t o ug her way t o g o , who he was, and that a n d i t t ak es a lit t le mo re disappointed him. One girl at Tommy’s g u ts t o wear clo t hes t hat s ta nd o ut fro m t he cro wd, school, Jen, definitely b u t i t ’s o ne st ep t o ward had her own sense of b e i n g co mfo rt able i n yo ur style. Tommy couldn’t o w n sk i n. really explain what was different about her, but



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it was obvious that she didn’t shop at the same stores as the rest of the kids at their school. Tommy didn’t know Jen well, but he respected her confidence to do her own thing.

6GHMJ#ANTS+S • W hy do y ou thin k T o m m y stru g g l e s w ith h i s clothing choice s? • How important i s it in y o u r sc ho o l to l o o k a c e r t a i n way? Do you thin k p e o p l e m ake it m o re i m p or t a nt tha n it shou l d b e , o r l e ss? • W hat do you r c l o the s say ab o u t y o u ?

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On the first day of the new quarter, Tommy walked into the art studio for his drawing class. As he looked for a place to sit, he saw Jen in the corner. He had never had a real conversation with her before, but he thought now was his chance. “Hi,” Tommy said as he pulled up a stool at the drafting table next to her. “Is it okay if I sit here?” “Sure,” Jen answered, smiling. “Is this your first drawing class?” “Yeah, but I do a lot of drawing on my own,” Tommy replied. “How about you?” “Same,” Jen answered. “I’d like to go to art school someday, so I thought I’d better learn how to draw the right way.” “What do you draw?” Tommy asked. “Mostly just doodles. But I design clothes, too. My mom taught me to sew, so sometimes I make my own stuff.” Jen opened her notebook to show Tommy her drawings. The dress on the page looked exactly like the dress she was wearing. “Wait, you made your dress?” Tommy asked, impressed. “Yup,” she said, grinning. Now Tommy knew why Jen always looked different from everyone else. He knew some of the other girls made fun of her for dressing differently, but he thought it was cool she was so sure of herself. Tommy wished he had the guts to dress how he wanted with confidence.





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Tommy and Jen talked some more until the teacher started class. They found out they had a lot of similar interests. They sat next to each other every day in drawing class and even started hanging out on the weekends.

6GHMJ#ANTS+S • W hy do y ou thin k T o m m y w an te d to sit b y Je n? Have you ever f o u n d a f rie n d w ho had a l ot of thing s in commo n w ith y o u ? • W hy do y ou thin k T o m m y is g l ad to m e et a g irl w ho is su re o f he rse l f ?

“Hey, do you want to go shopping?” Jen asked Tommy one day. They were sitting on the grass in Tommy’s backyard. Jen was sketching out a new skirt to sew, and Tommy was using his laptop to adjust the exposure on a digital photo. “Sure,” Tommy replied. “I’ll ask my mom if she can drop us off at the mall.” “I wasn’t talking about the mall,” Jen said. “There’s a store I want to take you to. We can walk there.” “Okay . . . ” Tommy replied, not sure what to think. But he packed up his laptop and went inside

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to grab his shoes. “Let’s go,” he said when he came back. Jen led the way. Soon, they arrived at a thrift store Tommy had passed a hundred times on his way to school. He had never before thought to go in. Jen swung open the door. “Hey, Pete!” she called to the guy at the front counter. “Got anything new today?” “Hi, Jen,” Pete replied. “Yeah—someone dropped off a whole bunch of hats and shoes. Take a look. They’re in the back.” “Thanks!” she exclaimed, pulling Tommy to the back of the store. Looking around, Tommy saw tons of clothes folded on tables and hanging on racks. None of the clothes looked like things the guys in his class wore, but some of them really caught his eye. Jen took a hat off of a mannequin and put it on Tommy’s head. It was flat on top and had a brim that went all the way around—definitely not like the baseball caps all his friends wore. “Look in the mirror!” Jen urged. Tommy saw his reflection. He had to admit he looked pretty good. “It looks awesome!” Jen exclaimed. “None of the guys at our school wear stuff like that.” Exactly, Tommy thought. He would definitely stand out. But he couldn’t decide if that was a good thing or a bad thing.





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6GHMJ#ANTS+S • Why do you think Tommy and Jen get along so well? • W hy do y ou thin k T o m m y is co n c e rn e d a b out s t anding ou t if he w e ars a dif f e re n t kin d of h a t ? • Have you ever w o rn so m e thin g that y o u lov e d , e v e n if it w as a l ittl e o u t o f y o u r co m f o rt z o ne ? H ow d i d yo u r friends re act to it?

Tommy was surprised to find out the hat was only $3. He bought it and wore it home. He was glad Jen had suggested shopping at that store. For the first time in a while, Tommy felt like he was wearing something that reflected who he was. But on Monday morning, Tommy didn’t feel quite so confident. He got dressed and looked at the hat on his dresser. What would the guys say when he walked into homeroom wearing it? Would they like his new look, or would they make fun of him? Tommy took a deep breath. He grabbed the hat and put it on. Well, he thought as he walked out the door, only one way to find out.

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6GHMJ#ANTS+S • Wh y d o y o u thin k T o m m y is s o ne r v ous a b out w hat his f rie n d s w il l say ab o ut h i s ne w l ook ? • Do y o u e v e r f e e l co n c e rn e d t h a t ot h e r s w i l l ju dg e y o u b ase d o n w hat y ou w e a r ? I f s o, w h y ?



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9

hen most guys think about problems with food, they think about people who eat too much and gain weight. And of course, overeating isn’t healthy for our bodies. But some people eat too little, sometimes to the point of starving themselves. This behavior is just as unhealthy as eating too much because, as everybody knows, you can’t live without food. People used to think that only girls could have these kinds of eating disorders. But it turns out, as Dinesh can attest, that starving yourself—or anorexia nervosa, as it’s called—is a struggle that both boys and girls share.

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'LQHVK·V6WRU\ Everyone at Dinesh’s school knew he was a great singer. He even sang the national anthem at the conference championship baseball game. But now things were getting serious. He was going to enter the state talent contest. P e o ple used t o t hink t hat His parents were talking o n ly g irls co uld hav e t hese about reality television ki n d s o f eat ing di so rders. shows. Dinesh had high hopes for his future as a singer, and he didn’t want to let himself—or his parents—down. Dinesh spent a lot of time practicing in front of the mirror. He scrutinized his appearance daily,



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and he began to think he looked much heavier than most of the singers on television. He began to worry he was too fat to make it as a performer. So he started jogging to school every day and skipping lunch. He weighed himself after every shower to see how much weight he had lost. But it didn’t seem like he could lose weight fast enough.

6GHMJ#ANTS+S • W hat chang ed D in e sh’ s attitu de ab o u t h i s b od y ? D o you think D in e sh’ s n e w attitu d e is h e a l t h y ? W hy or w hy not ? • W hy do y ou thin k D in e sh f e l t so m u ch p r e s s ur e t o s ucceed? A re the re are as in y o u r l if e w h e r e y ou feel a l ot of pre ssu re to w in o r d o w e l l ? W h a t a r e they ?

Even though the scale told Dinesh he was dropping pounds, every time he looked in the mirror, he thought he looked bigger. He turned to the Internet to find faster ways to lose weight. Online, he found all kinds of strange advice. Sometimes he would eat only eggs, and for dinner he might eat a burger but leave the bun on his plate. Sometimes he just drank protein shakes. Sometimes he’d tell his mom he ate at a friend’s house and that’s why

6 G D 5 K H L 5 H M F D Q

he wasn’t that hungry. If she pressed him to eat something, he would take his dinner to his room, claiming he needed to study. He’d come back to the kitchen to throw it away when his parents were in the den watching television. A lot of days, he ate nothing at all. He always felt best about himself when he didn’t eat—like he had achieved something. Dinesh started pushing himself even harder in his workouts. He did push-ups and sit-ups in his room at night, telling his parents he was finishing his homework. Dinesh placed a chart over his bed so he could measure his progress.

6GHMJ#ANTS+S • Wh y d o y o u thin k D in e sh l ie s t o h i s p a r e nt s abo u t his d ie t an d e x e rcise p l a ns ? • How m ig ht it b e dan g e ro u s t o t r y a d i e t t h a t i s not re c o m m e n de d b y a he al t h p r of e s s i ona l ? • Is w o rkin g o u t e x ce ssiv e l y a p r ob l e m ? H ow d o y ou kn o w if y o u are g o in g to o h a r d ?

Before long, Dinesh began having trouble at school. Sometimes trying to concentrate made his head hurt. All he could think about was his rumbling stomach. But he would try to forget it and push





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himself as hard as he could at rehearsals. There were only two weeks left until the talent contest, and he was worried he wasn’t prepared enough. One day after school, Dinesh was rehearsing with Mr. Dulane, the musical director, when he started to feel strange. His head was throbbing, and he felt a little nauseous, too. He ignored it. “Okay, Dinesh, let’s try that last song one more time,” coached Mr. Dulane. Dinesh was exhausted, but he started the song again. When he got to the last note, he threw his fist in the air. Suddenly, everything went black. When he came to, he saw Mr. Dulane and the school nurse leaning over him. After examining Dinesh, the nurse brought him some water. “What happened, Dinesh?” she asked. “You’re much thinner than the last time I saw you. Tell me about what has been going on in your life lately. Have you been sick?” Dinesh felt weird. He knew something was wrong with his body, so he told the nurse about what he had been doing to lose weight and what he saw when he looked in the mirror. The nurse told him she would call his parents to come to the school for a meeting. Then she asked Dinesh, “Do you know what eating disorders are?” Dinesh was shocked she had even asked him that. He thought eating disorders were something only girls got.

6 G D 5 K H L 5 H M F D Q

When Dinesh’s parents arrived at the school, they all sat down together with the nurse. Dinesh’s guidance counselor, Mr. Morris, was there, too. “I’m concerned about what happened to you, Dinesh,” the nurse began. “You’ve lost a lot of weight recently, and from what you told me about your eating and exercise habits, you haven’t been eating enough to keep your body healthy. It’s time to make some changes. Consider this a wake-up call.” Dinesh took a deep breath. He was embarrassed, but he confessed that he always felt fat. He wanted to look his best at the state talent contest, but every time he looked in the mirror, he felt like he was gaining weight. Just saying the words out loud made Dinesh realize his habits were not healthy, but he didn’t know how he was going to get better because he still wanted to get even thinner than he was. He needed help, and he was thankful his parents, the school nurse, and Mr. Morris were there to get it for him.

6GHMJ#ANTS+S • Wh y d o y o u thin k p e o p l e ass oc i a t e e a t i ng dis o rd e rs w ith g irl s? Why is t h a t d a ng e r ous ? • We re y o u e v e r u n hap p y w ith y our w e i g h t ? W h a t are so m e he al thy thin g s y o u c a n d o t o f e e l b e tte r ab o u t y o u r b o d y ?



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t some point in your life, you’ll probably notice that a line gets drawn between activities that are seen as “feminine” and those that are seen as “masculine.” Lots of times, if you like to do something that too many girls (and not enough guys) like to do, you might start being ashamed of it. Or, you might even pretend you don’t like it because you’re afraid of being called a girl . . . or worse. Figuring out who we are as men isn’t easy, especially with all the pressure to act one way or another. But the important thing is not to be afraid or ashamed of who we are and what we like to do. That takes a lot of courage. But,

6 G D % T O B @ JD - H C



as Mickey learned, there’s nothing more manly than that.

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L o ts o f t imes, i f yo u li k e t o

As Mickey tried to work d o so met hing t hat t o o many the lathe in the school’s g i r ls (and no t eno ug h g uys) carpentry workshop, he li ke t o do , yo u mig ht st art thought about how much b e i n g ashamed o f it . O r, he hated the smell of yo u mig ht even pret end yo u sawdust and the sound of d o n ’t lik e i t because yo u’re hammering and sanding. a f r a id o f being called a g i rl Instead, he wished he . . . o r wo rse. could be doing something he was good at, such as baking. Mickey had long ago learned how to make peanut butter cookies from scratch. From there, he had moved on to cupcakes, muffins, and even more complicated pastries. Often he would look through his mom’s cookbooks for some recipes he could try. But a few weeks ago, something had happened that made Mickey embarrassed about his love for baking. All the eighth graders were required to take a course in home economics, and they were starting a food unit. Mickey was ecstatic at the thought of learning new baking techniques. But Matt, a guy in Mickey’s class, thought otherwise. “Baking is a total girl thing,” Matt said to the guys after class. “Who would want to do something so stupid?”



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When Mickey finally signed up for an afterschool activity, he did not join the Baker’s Dozen, the baking club at his school. Instead, eager to prove that he wasn’t into “girly” stuff, he signed up for the Young Carpenters.

6GHMJ#ANTS+S • D o you think it’ s o kay f o r M icke y to b e i nt e r e s t e d in b aking ? Why o r w hy n o t? • Are some thing s au to m atical l y g irl thin g s a nd o t hers g u y thing s? What m ake s it that w a y ? • D o you think M icke y b e l o n g s in the Y o u ng Carpenters? Why o r w hy n o t?

At first, Mr. Slydell, the teacher in charge of the Young Carpenters, tried to give Mickey some extra help. But Mickey didn’t seem all that interested in learning about the tools. Finally, Mr. Slydell said, “You know, Mickey, you’re more than welcome to be part of the Young Carpenters. But frankly, I’m wondering why you want to. You don’t seem to like being here.” “Well, I’m just not sure this is really what I want to do,” Mickey answered. “What I really enjoy,” he finally admitted, “is baking.”

6 G D % T O B @ JD -H C

Mr. Slydell laughed. “Well, then what are you doing here?” he asked. “Why aren’t you part of the Baker’s Dozen?” “It’s all girls in there, and the other guys would think it’s weird,” he answered. “Mickey, I can see why you might be embarrassed to sign up for baking club. But just because baking is something that more girls in our school like to do than guys doesn’t mean guys can’t do it, too. If you like to do it and you’re a guy, then that’s all you need for it to be a guy thing for you. You might even make it easier for other guys to join.” Mickey had never thought of it that way. Mr. Slydell told him lots of cooks and pastry chefs were men. “In fact,” he added, “I like to whip up a few treats myself on the weekends.”





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6GHMJ#ANTS+S • W hat do you thin k ab o u t M r. Sl y d e l l ’ s a d v i c e ? D oes it ma ke se n se to y o u ? • Have you ever ke p t so m e thin g a se cre t o r pr etended you d id n ’ t l ike it b e cau se y o u w e r e af raid it w as to o g irl y ? What w as it? Wh a t d i d y ou end u p doing ?

With Mr. Slydell’s help, Mickey was able to switch clubs. His first project was to make a pineapple upside-down cake. It came out so well that he decided to bring it to the carpentry club and share it. He didn’t know if he should admit he made it, but the cake was so popular that it was gone in a few minutes. “C’mon, Mickey, where’d you get that?” Fong, one of his classmates, badgered him. “Tell us!” Josh practically shouted. “Did your mom make it?” “No,” Mickey hesitated. “I made it . . . in the school kitchen.” “Seriously?” asked Fong, impressed. “Wow. I wish I knew how to make a cake like this.” “Well, you can learn,” Mickey answered. “Why don’t you join the Baker’s Dozen?”

6 G D % T O B @ JD - H C

6GHMJ#ANTS+S • If so m e o f M ic ke y ’ s f rie n d s t h oug h t b a k i ng w a s a g irl thin g at the b e g in n in g of t h e s t or y , w h a t do y o u thin k c han g e d the ir m i nd s ? • Ha v e y o u e v e r chan g e d an y bod y ’s a t t i t ud e abo u t so m e thin g ? What w as i t ? H ow d i d y ou do it?



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hen you’re young, you get a lot of people telling you what to do: parents, teachers, coaches, camp counselors, maybe even your older brother or sister. So it’s natural to think how great things would be if only you were in charge for once, right? Well, not so fast. Leadership comes with its own set of problems. Once you’re put in charge of your younger siblings, chosen to organize a party, or made captain of your school team, you suddenly find that out. If you’re too friendly, then maybe nobody takes you seriously. And if you’re too tough, you might make people afraid of you.

6 G D ] 5 G N QS  5 S N O



Maybe you feel, as I did, that you’re not a natural-born leader. Very few of us are. We might worry whether we have what it takes or how we feel about getting people to follow us. And what about the people you are supposed to lead? They’ve got their own personality traits, too. The best you can do is take some advice from other successful leaders, and then try to work the rest of it out for yourself. If you can do that, then, like our “short” stop here, you can rise to the challenge.

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M a ybe yo u feel, as I did, th a t yo u’re no t a nat ural-

Max was used to always b o r n leader. V ery few being the short guy. o f us are. When it came time for class photos, Max knew he would be put in front. Still, he got good grades, had plenty of friends, and played shortstop on the school baseball team. The other guys would often call him “Shorty,” but he knew that was just their way of kidding around. Max was a valuable player to the team. The coach would call him a “thinking player” because he always seemed to position himself just where the batter would hit the ball, and he chose his moments carefully when running or stealing bases. It was no surprise when the coach announced that he was appointing Max to be team captain. The team cheered. Taylor, the left fielder, patted Max on the head and said, “Way to go, Shorty!” Max threw



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Taylor’s hand off his head and said, “Don’t ever call me that again.” “Whoa,” Taylor replied. “I’m only trying to congratulate you. Whatever. Chill out, bro.”

6GHMJ#ANTS+S • W hy do y ou thin k M ax re acte d the w ay h e d i d ? Have you ever tre ate d an y o n e l ike that? W h y ? • W hy do y ou thin k T ay l o r re ac te d the w a y h e d i d ? W hat w ou l d you hav e do n e ? • W as this a ha p p y o cc asio n f o r M ax ? Wh y or why not?

Max took his role as captain seriously. If the other guys were supposed to look up to him, Max felt like he needed to step up his game. So when it came time to practice, Max tried to sound really strict, barking commands at his teammates. He felt like he knew how to handle being in charge. Off the field, though, it was a different story. It wasn’t like anybody was being particularly unfriendly, it’s just that they didn’t seem to come together as much as they used to. One day, Max caught up with Taylor after school and asked him where he was going. “Uh, I’m just going home,”

6 G D ] 5 G N QS  5 S N O

Taylor said. “I think my mom wants me to help her with something.” Later, Max passed Boss Burgers and noticed Taylor and his other teammates sitting around some tables, laughing and eating fries. Max turned quickly and headed home.





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“What happened to you?” his brother Charlie asked him when he got home. “You look like you got hit in the stomach with a line drive.” Max was angry with himself for feeling so hurt over what his teammates did. But he was even more embarrassed that his brother could tell right away. “Can you just shut up?” Max shot back to him as he slammed his bedroom door.

6GHMJ#ANTS+S • Have you ever f o u n d o u t that p e o p l e y o u t h oug h t we re you r frien d s had al l g o n e so m e w he r e a nd didn’t invite yo u ? What hap p e n e d ? H o w d i d y ou feel ? • D o you think M ax is a g o o d cap tain ? W h y or why not?

After Max calmed down, he realized he was acting like a jerk. His brother had given him good advice in the past. Charlie had been a team captain and also was the leader of the high school band. Maybe he could tell Max something about being in charge. “Hey, Charlie,” Max said as he hit the couch next to his brother.

6 G D ] 5 G N QS  5 S N O

“Yeah, what’s up?” Charlie responded, looking up from his homework. “I don’t know if I have what it takes to lead my team,” Max finally said before the whole story poured out of him. “Everybody always treated me like a little guy, so I thought I should be extra tough now that I’m captain,” he told Charlie. “But does that mean I have to give up my friends?” “Well, it’s true that a captain needs to command respect,” Charlie said. “But it might also be true that being made captain made you think more about your size than you should. There are many ways to be a big





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man. Sometimes, that means knowing when to take it easy on people.”

6GHMJ#ANTS+S • Have you ever b e e n tre ate d dif f e re n tl y j us t be cau se of the w ay y o u l o o k? What hap p e ne d ? • W hat do you thin k o f C harl ie ’ s adv ic e ? W oul d yo u ta ke it? W o u l d y o u g iv e the sam e ad v i c e t o s o meone el se?

The next day, Max saw Taylor standing alone and went over to talk to him. “Hey, Taylor,” he said. “I’m sorry I jumped on you last week. I guess I was just worried about not getting respect on the field when I’m trying to lead the team.” “Everyone respects your skills,” Taylor said. “It’s just that you changed, and nobody is really sure how to treat you . . . or even what to call you!” Max thought for a minute and said, “Well, as long as you respect me when we’re at practice, I suppose you can call me whatever you like. Deal?” “You got it, Captain Shorty,” Taylor said with a grin. “Oh, by the way, the guys are all meeting down at Boss’s. Last one there buys!”

6 G D ] 5 G N QS  5 S N O

6GHMJ#ANTS+S • Do y o u thin k it is g o o d o r ba d f or a t e a m cap tain to ap o l o g iz e ? D o e s t h a t m a k e Ma x l ook stro n g e r o r w e ake r? • Wh at d o e s re sp e ct m e an to y ou? H ow i m p or t a nt is it f o r a l e ad e r to b e re sp e c t e d ?



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6HOHFWHG%LEOLRJUDSK\ Adler, Patricia A., and Peter Adler. Peer Power: Preadolescent Culture and Identity. New Brunswick, NJ: Rutgers University Press, 1998. Adolescent Substance Abuse Knowledge Base. 9 July 2010 .

)XUWKHU5HDGLQJ Erlbach, Arlene. The Middle School Survival Guide. New York: Walker & Co., 2003. Mosatche, Harriet S., and Karen Unger. Too Old for This, Too Young for That: Your Survival Guide for the Middle-School Years. Minneapolis, MN: Free Spirit Publishing, 2010. Teal, Dr. Joyce. Just Do It Kid. Pittsburgh, PA: SterlingHouse Publisher, Inc., 2008.

:HE6LWHV To learn more about navigating social norms and expectations, visit ABDO Publishing Company online at www.abdopublishing.com. Web sites about navigating social norms and expectations are featured on our Book Links page. These links are routinely monitored and updated to provide the most current information available.

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)RU0RUH,QIRUPDWLRQ For more information on this subject, contact or visit the following organizations. Games Adolescents Shouldn’t Play (G.A.S.P.) W321 N7669 Silverspring Lane, Hartland, WI 53029 www.gaspinfo.com This volunteer organization is dedicated to putting an end to the Choking Game. They provide education, resources, and support. National Eating Disorders Association (NEDA) 603 Stewart Street, Suite 803, Seattle, WA 98101-1264 206–382–3587 Toll-Free Information & Referral Helpline 1-800-931-2237 www.nationaleatingdisorders.org Provides education, resources, and support to those affected by eating disorders. United States Department of Health and Human Services Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) P.O. Box 2345, Rockville, MD 20847–2345 1–877–SAMHSA–7 www.samhsa.gov/shin Provides information and resources for the prevention and treatment of drug and alcohol abuse.





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)KNR R @ Q X DQRUH[LDQHUYRVD A psychological disorder characterized by unhealthy dieting, especially eating too little. DXWKRULW\ The power to make or enforce rules; also a person with that power. EUDQG A product or goods made by a specific and often well-known company. EXGJHW A plan for balancing how much money you receive versus how much you are able to spend. FRQVXPHUV The way people are referred to in their role as shoppers, either in deciding about what to buy or when they’ve already purchased something. GHSUHVVLRQ An emotional state characterized by sadness, gloom, and lack of energy. Can often require psychological therapy. HDWLQJGLVRUGHU A name given to various psychological problems that involve food—either eating too much or too little.

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IHPLQLQH Referring to behaviors or qualities often associated with women. ORJR A symbol or other mark that identifies a product as having been made by a specific company. PDVFXOLQH Referring to behaviors or qualities often associated with men. PRGHUDWLRQ The quality of avoiding extremes. QXWULWLRQLVW A professional whose specialty is the relationship of food and diet with health. SHHUSUHVVXUH The pressure you feel from others around you to do and act as they do; also refers to the act of applying pressure to others to do and act as you do.





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$ERXWWKH$XWKRU MK Ehrman is a freelance writer and editor. He has written numerous magazine articles and self-help books for children, teens, and adults.

3KRWR&UHGLWV Mustafa Hacalaki/iStockphoto, cover, 3; Christy Thompson/Shutterstock Images, 11; Shutterstock Images, 19, 20, 48; Grady Reese/iStockphoto, 27; Gerald Bernard/Shutterstock Images, 29; Monkey Business Images/Shutterstock Images, 33; Hugo Maes/Shutterstock Images, 38; iStockphoto, 41; Joshua Hodge Photography/ iStockphoto, 42; Gustaf Brundin/iStockphoto, 51; Aleksandr Stennikov/iStockphoto, 59; Keith Brofsky/ Getty Images, 61; Colleen Butler/iStockphoto, 63; Bonnie Jacobs/iStockphoto, 68; Susan Daniels/ iStockphoto, 73; Rikard Stadler/iStockphoto, 77; Dave White/iStockphoto, 87; Steve Debenport/iStockphoto, 89; Kristen Johansen/iStockphoto, 95; Matthew Brown/ iStockphoto, 97; Morgan Lane Photography/Shutterstock Images, 99