Is Yet

Is Yet by S.A. Payne In the past year everything Epi's measured himself by or valued himself for has been stripped away. He's been left with no choice but to start his life over and figure out who he is now. It's questions he doesn't even want to ask and answers he doesn't have the strength left to find. When hauled away for a weekend trip by his best friend in an effort to remind him life is still out there, Epi goes along with a sharp awareness of his third wheel status. Only as they stop in a very small Penn Dutch town to take in some local color, Epi finds a chance to start over in a place where no one knew who he was before. Which means no one expects him to be that person today. What he finds in the small town will be greater than the answers of just who he's become.

Is Yet Chapter One

"Dearly beloved... we have gathered here today to get through this thing called life..." ~ Prince Let's Go Crazy

For the first time all day there was almost silence. It wasn’t that Tori minded crowds of people or the chatter of conversation, to the contrary he considered himself a social creature. There was just something to be said about driving with the sun still holding warmth but with a hint of fall in the air, the windows down and Prince singing Let's Go Crazy on the radio. “If you don't like, the world you're livin' in, take a look around, least you got friends …” He sung softly along as he guided his efficient little sedan around another back road curve, dancing in and out of shadows and light from the trees that had grown over head. Neither of his passengers minded the singing. He glanced in his rear view mirror to spy on the young man sprawled in the back seat. Dillon had worn the short dark blue cut off jean shorts Tori loved so much, the ones that cupped his ass just right and made straight people tsk. He’d worn them to be a tease and he promised himself only a little more than an hour until they were back in their bed and breakfast room. He’d remind his boyfriend why he loved those shorts then and the thought made him smile. The younger man felt eyes on him and glanced up from his PSP, the cords of the headphones snaking over his chest and shoulders. He knew even with only that small glimpse of Tori’s eyes in the mirror what the older man was thinking. He grinned happily and went back to his game. They rounded another corner and Tori caught the town sign. Phoneixville, founded 1822 population 800 and the quant line of Lions club and church group signs nailed to the post below the town sign made him sigh in a happy way. Getting away from the city had been a good idea, even if he’d had to drag the two men kicking and screaming into it. All Dillon needed as a bribe

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was the promise of a weekend where neither of them had to work but his friend had been far more difficult to convince. In fact, getting Epi to do anything lately had been a chore. It had been a rough year year and he couldn’t blame the man for needing to retreat from the world for a while, but it was time to get out more. If nothing else, it made Tori feel better to glance over and see his friend dozing in the passenger seat. He may have been exhausted, and medicated, to fall asleep like that but the fact that he’d relaxed enough to let himself sleep in a car was a huge step. Two months ago any car trip longer than ten minutes, even with Tori driving, had been enough to push Epi into panic. The sun broke through the trees as they rolled into the small town and lit up Epi’s black hair. It was over grown now, curling around his ears and shoulders in a brooding, moody way and made Tori itch to trim it. It wasn’t so much the length as the fact that it was untidy and tended to fall into Epi’s face and that just was a shame. More so, it hide his eyes. Dark, rich brown with just the smallest flecks of green and blue, not that Tori had stared longingly into those depths since they’d been teenagers and if he had he wasn’t going to admit it. A sign staked into the roadside caught his eyes. Caution Public Auction Ahead. He slowed up and to his right, up a small gravel lane lined with parked cars and trucks, was a gathering of people in the yard of an old brick Victorian. “Are we gonna let de-elevator bring us down oh no let’s go…” He sang softly as he watched the crowd around the house. “Huh…looks like a truck parade.” The street was lined with mid sized trees and sidewalks and nice, decent sized homes with a decent set back from the road and an orderly feel. Tori drove them past a large white painted brick church that was set between two houses and was surprised to come to a traffic circle. It was lined with posts that had chains running through them, had a few monuments and an old cannon displayed on it and oozed small town quaintness. It was a town he wouldn’t have even missed if he blinked, one of a string of small towns they’d driven through taking the scenic route but this one had a gas station. Tori pulled the car into the small lot because he was driving and he wanted a drink. As soon as the car stopped, Epi sat up, startled and wide eyed. “What?” “Just stopping for drinks and a piss break.” Tori reassured and watched as his friend slumped back down into his seat to rub at his eyes. “Where are we?” Epi asked as he glanced around the town. “I fell asleep.” “Yes you did, and it’s a town called Redneckville.” “Phoenixville.” Dillon corrected as he poked his head up between the front seats. Tori turned and claimed a quick kiss of the younger man’s full lips. “How long until we’re back at the B&B?” “We’re a little bit more than an hour from Gettysburg.” “Not soon enough…” Dillon purred. Epi coughed and opened his car door. “I need to piss.” He gripped the car’s frame and with a grimace pulled himself to his feet. “Stubborn.” Tori shook his head. He popped the trunk and hopped out of the car. He rushed around to the back of the car and retrieved the forearm crutches they’d stashed in there with the

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purchases. The bags were smooshed on top of the wheelchair that Epi hated but even he admitted they might need on their weekend mini-vacation. “Here.” He brought the crutches around for his friend and glanced to the small gas station. There were no curbs. “Looks to be a straight shot.” “I’ll manage.” Epi muttered, flicked his hair back out of his eyes and with a frown took the first unbalanced steps toward the door. He’d said he was fine early in the day, missteped and had fallen badly. There was still a scuff on his khaki pants and he’d skinned his arm pretty badly. Dillon climbed out and watched Tori watching Epi make his way to the door. He watched as his lover frowned as Epi struggled to get the door open and how he sighed when the other man finally managed it. “Next time we go away for the weekend, we’re going alone.” “Be nice.” He scolded and locked the car doors before shutting Epi’s door. “He needed to get out.” “Yeah but come on, we could have been there in like less than two hours on the highway. This back roads bullshit took the whole day. We could have slept in otherwise…” “He needs to be on side roads to get better. He fell asleep, Dill, that’s huge.” Dillon rolled his eyes. “Whatever. I’m getting a Red Bull, want anything.” “I’ll be right in.” Tori used the excuse of checking his cell phone to let the younger man walk ahead of him. The obvious reason was to be able to check out his ass in the cut offs but really Tori wanted a moment to settle his nerves. It still broke his heart each time he saw Epi struggling. Inside he grinned to the overweight, t-shirt and ponytail wearing clerk as she gawked at them. Tori was guessing they didn’t get to many obviously gay men through their small little town, let alone ones as obvious as Dillon. He found Dillon bent over with half his arm in the soda case fishing out the last Red Bull and he snickered. “Need help?” Dillon raised his eye brows. “I’m good at grabbing what I want.” They both glanced over as the bathroom’s door opened, shut and opened again as Epi balanced himself carefully and got through the doorway without even a muttered curse. That worried Tori, the man wasn’t even getting frustrated anymore, he was just accepting and giving up. “Next time we have to go to Hershey Park.” Dillon announced. Epi frowned. “You two can go next time you’re here.” He muttered as he snagged a water from the case and made his way to the register to pay. “Way to go.” Tori whispered. “What?” Tori reminded himself of the really hot ass in the really tight shorts, of the sculpted abs and didn’t let himself get angry at his lover. He patted one broad shoulder and shook his head. As he paid he took perverse pleasure in the clerk’s barely hidden horror. “Tell me, what was that on the edge of town? That auction?” “Huh?” She blinked and pulled her eyes away from where Dillon was reading the flyers posted by

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the door. “Minnie Miller’s house? She passed away last spring, bless her. They’re selling off her house and things today.” “Guess we missed that.” “Doubt it, I heard they didn’t expect to even get through the box lots and garage tools and the like until at least four today. Minnie never threw anything out. They said they were going to start furniture and the house about now. Is a shame, she was a real sweet old lady. That everything for you…fellows?” Tori grinned broadly and caught Epi’s frown. “Yeah we’re good, thanks.” Dillon slipped out the door but Tori hurried ahead to open it to make at least that part easier for Epi. He walked at his friend’s slower pace back to the car but he was staring off down the street they’d come into town on. He unlocked the passenger side door and after Epi dropped himself back into his seat instead of taking the crutches back he paused. “Let’s go to that sale.” “What?” Epi asked. “That auction. Let’s go see.” He glanced to Dillon but the young man just shrugged. “What do you say Epi?” “I don’t care, I can always wait in the car.” “Cool!” He wasn’t going to suggest it, but they could always get the chair out. Epi would have shot the whole idea down if he’d brought the option up. With no extreme protests Tori hopped back in and turned the car back down the road, past the white church and neat orderly houses to the gravel lane. Any other time he would have parked where ever he could find a place, the first open spot he could find but not with Epi in the car. He drove along the lane slowly, rolling closer and closer to the house, holding his breath hoping there would be a spot open where his friend wouldn’t have to walk so far. When he saw one he felt one worry check off his list and he pulled the car into place. “How neat is this?” He chirped happily and hoped out of the car. Dillon wasn't as thrilled. “They have a port-a-shitter.” “Like you've ever been frightened of a public men's room.” “I'm not going to get blown in this one.” The younger man pouted. Epi's crutches caught on the car frame and he struggled to get them out in the open before hauling himself out of the car. It kept him from making a snide comment to the boy or being snappish at Tori. He got to his feet with a small groan, wavered and found his balance. It wasn't until he was balanced that he looked around. The yard was large, sprawling even, and green. A white split rail fence lined most of it, criss crossing and dividing the yard into sections. The section of the yard that was obviously the houses yard had large trees, oak and walnut and a few others Epi wasn't sure about. They spread out their limbs wide and cast deep cool shade across the house and yard. Someone had been a gardener because along most of the man yard's fence plants grew and all along the wide wrap around porch. The porch itself had an honest to God porch swing and Epi glanced to his companions and wondered if he was the only one that really was surprised at the quaint small town perfection of the square brick house.

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Neither one seemed to notice but at least they noticed that he hadn't moved. Tori stopped and raised his eyebrows with a look that was half worry and half pleased excitement. “Coming?” He didn't really want to hobble out into the yard and stand around among the locals hoping he wouldn't fall on his face. “Yeah.” He sighed. Luckily there was a fairly level, even walkway that seemed well tended. Twigs laying across his path still scared him, the roots nobbing up from the grass in the yard would surely trip him. There was no way he could manage the yard well enough to follow Tori and Dillon to the line of furniture and box lots. There were plenty of people around and plenty of lawn chairs set up but they all belonged to someone and he wasn't just going to claim someone's seat. Instead he took his bottle of water to one of the areas where the porch was almost at the perfect height for him to easily sit and settled himself down onto the edge. He wasn't much in the mood for people watching but it was hard to miss the tall, heavy set man in work pants and a button down casual dress shirt with a microphone in one hand and a stick in the other. The auctioneer had a speaker slung over his shoulder and was calling in a fast clip prices too slurred for Epi to really make out. He pointed back and forth between bidders and carefully watched the crowd for any other hands. The crowd seemed to have gathered around the sale and that suited Epi just fine. He was happier sitting between the fern and the day lilies. The auctioneer rattled through two or three items that Epi couldn't see because of the crowd before Tori wandered back over. “Dill's getting a number. Want to wander in and see the house?” “Number?” “To bid, can't bid without a number.” “You're buying something?” Tori shrugged. “Maybe, want to go in with me?” “We're allowed?” “Yeah, they're selling the house too. What do you say?” Epi glanced to the four steps up onto the porch, they were wide and deep but he wasn't sure he was up for it. “I'll help. Come on I don't want to snoop about alone.” He didn't want to but if he didn't try Tori would nag at him, or worse, tell his shrink. “I'll give it a shot.” It was easy to stand up since he was seated so much higher than a normal chair but finding his balance wasn't easy. At the foot of the steps he paused and held his breath. “You're using the crutches not your legs.” Tori scolded. “Bite me.” He had made it up two steps with Tori hovering in case he fell. If he needed to use the crutches and his arms he'd use them. After the third step he wasn't sure he was going to make it and on the fourth he would have fallen if Tori hadn't steadied him. The inside door was open but the screen door was shut. It opened with the expected squeak and Tori held it long enough for Epi to get himself inside. The floors were wood and had at one point

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been polished smooth, they had some wear and rough patches now. The molding was all matching wood and the staircase that climbed upward was the same style and age. Epi glanced up counted twelve steps a landing and the staircase zig zaged back a on itself for the last four or five steps. The railing was sturdy but the steps were wide and he wasn’t sure he wanted to try to make it up them. “Wow.” Tori whispered. “Is such a shame they haven’t kept this up.” Epi nodded. The house had been grand at one point but it was in need of repairs now. As they made their way around the first floor, across a living room with ugly shag carpet and a formal parlor, the two big square rooms at the front of the house, it was hard to miss the damage. Here a bit of molding had fallen away, there a pane of glass in a window was cracked. The exposed pipes and single chain light fixtures hanging from the center of the ceilings spoke of a house built before either comfort was standard. Some of the frames around the doorways were slanted, level once they’d lost that as the house settled over the years. “I bet there were French doors here at one point.” Tori said, still little above a whisper as they moved into the formal dining room. Like the parlor and living room there was an old mantel but the fireplace had long since been sealed up. There were scuffs on the floor where chairs had sat for years and lighter squares of paint on the wall where pictures and photos had hung for just as long. “I don’t like being in here.” Epi whispered back. “It feels like we’re snooping.” “They’re selling the house, you have to look around.” Tori grinned. “I’m going upstairs for a look, wait for me?” He only nodded. It felt less like he was walking over someone’s grave without Tori hovering nearby. He moved from the dining room to the back of the house and the tiny kitchen. The stove was easily thirty years old, the fridge was newer but still old. There was almost no counter space, six old metal cabinets painted white with chrome handles and a white enameled wide single sink was plunked in the middle. The walls were wainscoting clapboard and the back wall was lined with shelves like a bookcase but not nearly so deep, a pantry Epi assumed. It was a tiny space, half the size of the kitchen in Tori’s condo and Epi maneuvered out of it and back through the dinning room. A door under the stairs opened and a younger couple came out of what looked like rickety stairs. “The basement is dirt.” She whispered to the man. “Can’t pour concrete with the fieldstone foundation.” He shook his head. “We’ll keep looking, the roof needs done to.” Epi let them go past him, knowing no one liked to get stuck behind him in a hallway. He moved too slowly and the crutches made passing him difficult. Back he went through the dining room and the parlor and across the hall to the living room. There was a door at the back of the living room and it had been shut when they’d walked over before, now it stood slightly open. Curious, Epi crossed the faded green shag carpet and opened the door. The ugly carpet ended and Epi felt himself drawn in. The room on this side was smaller than the dining room but some of that was because every wall was lined with built in bookcases. The wood was dark and polished so it shined and the room had a dusty smell to it like old books and faint pipe tobacco. The windows along the wall were huge and had deep windowsills. Wider than even the unusually deep sills the rest of the windows had but it was the glass at the top of the windows that stopped him. Instead of being clear, it was stained glass. Instead of being simple colored glass in geometric

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patterns the glass formed a firebird with swirling grays and blues around it as it soared from the fire of his rebirth. It made sense given the name of the town but as the sun came out from behind a cloud and shown through the window, casting Epi in reds and orange hues, his breath froze. “There you are. Upstairs is just as huge, three bedrooms all this size, a sleeping porch outside of one and what was a bedroom is now a huge bathroom. It has a claw foot tub and no shower, can you believe that?” Tori rattled on as he came in. “The attic is walk in too, no insulation and not at all finished but man that could be a third floor.” Tori frowned because Epi still hadn’t moved. “Hey, you okay?” “Huh? Yeah, I’m fine.” He turned and left the small library office with it’s surprisingly beautiful stained glass upper window and followed his friend back out onto the wide wrap around porch. Going down the porch steps took more effort. He had to place both feet on a step at a time and had to use his legs to do it. The steps would have been bad enough at the start of the day, at the end of the day he almost was willing to fall just to get down the four steps faster. It was how people looked at him that he hated. He doubted he’d ever get used to that, wasn’t sure he wanted to get used to it. “There we are. Want to find Dill with me?” Epi shook his head. “Go on, I’m going to take back my spot on the porch here.” “You sure?” He nodded and slipped his butt over the edge of the porch and leaned against one of the square support posts. “I’m good.” “Okay… we’ll be back over soon.” It wasn’t so bad being left behind. He didn’t want to try to make his way over the uneven yard and he sure as hell didn’t want to fall with so many people watching. The porch was nice, shaded, cool, a breeze blew through and rustled the tree leaves. He could sit there, out of the way and watch everyone. People did glance his way but no one said anything to him and no one looked at him like they remembered him from before he hobbled about. He liked it so much on the porch that he didn’t mind it all. He sat contentedly waiting as the auctioneer finished the line of furniture and walked back toward the house with the crowd of people in tow. “It’s so quiet here.” Epi confessed as Tori and Dillon rejoined him. “You on crack?” Dillon teased. “There’s like a hundred people here and it’s crazy noisy.” “Sweetie? See that RV over there? They’re selling food go get us some chips or candy bars or something?” Tori nudged Dillon and slipped him some cash. “God.” Epi sighed and rubbed his eyes. “You and your boys.” “What? I like them young.” “And dumb.” “I’m not dating him for his conversation skills.” Tori laughed. “That’s obvious. So much for your statement of not mixing work and pleasure.” “I don’t. If he screws up at work I’ll fire him, he knows that but he’s a good stylist and well,

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amuses me. You should find a boyfriend.” That made Epi snort. “I’m serious. Not some smart stuck up sort but like Dill, someone pretty and dumb you can have a fling with.” The look Epi gave him could have blistered paint. “I’m just saying it would do you some good to get laid.” “There’s more to life than sex, Tori.” “Yeah like chocolate and full body massages.” The friend he’d known a year ago would have agreed and laughed that the three things were best together. The Epi sitting across from him barely snorted in amusement. “How about when we get home we do a spa day? Tea and chocolate and steams and massages and facials and the whole works, we’ll go down the list, nails and hair and just spend 8 hours being selfish? I own the damned spa and I never get to enjoy it. What do you say?” It used to be something they did every year for Tori’s birthday but this year he’d spent it in the hospital encouraging Epi to get out of bed and try to walk and since he’d been released his friend had barely wanted to leave the house let alone spend a day being pampered. “I’m sure Dillon would find it amusing.” “Lazy fellow, I’m sure he would but I like spending those days with you.” He nudged Epi’s shoulder with an elbow. “What do you say?” “We’ll see.” Which was Epi’s catch phrase for no when he didn’t want to outright say it and Tori sighed. He glanced to make sure Dillon was still waiting in line before he leaned closer. “I hate to break it to you, Epi, but you lived, you need to start living.” “Tori.” “Not saying you need to do it today, I promised you that you could take as much time as you needed but you’re going to have to sooner or later and a spa day would do you some good. You’re down right shaggy.” He brushed at the too long hair and forgot that he was sitting on Epi’s right. As the hair fluttered back the still angry looking pink scar that curled around his temple peeked out. Epi pulled his head away and shook his hair back into place. It fell over the scar and unless someone knew to look for it, made it disappear. He was saved from answering by the auctioneer turning over the microphone to a man in dress pants and shirt and a tie. The lawyer read off the terms, the houses address and deed. “As you’ve all seen the house will need some repairs and is being sold as is. The water heater is new in the last five years but the furnace and roof are both in need of repair. The property is 14.4 acres and includes several outbuildings. One of which is the old carriage house with a one bedroom studio apartment above it which is currently rented. Please note, the property sits part in the township and part in the borough so any development of the land will need to gain clearance from both. Terms are $10,000 down today and the rest at the end of 30 days. The main house has been hooked to the public sewer and water but the original well is still in place and active. If there aren’t any questions?” He glanced around the crowd and when no one shouted out anything handed the microphone back to the auctioneer. Instead of the fast patter the man had used on the furniture and box lots he spoke simply and plainly. “Okay, how about 75,000 to start? Who’ll start us out at 75,000?” A white numbered bidders card flashed and the auctioneer pointed to a young man standing near the side of the

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crowd. “75,000 thank you Nick.” The older auctioneer nodded. Epi leaned forward a little to see who it was that had been called by name. A local and he guessed family member to the dead woman who’d owned the house. The man was his own age, thirty or there about, with darker brown hair and eyes blue enough to be noticed across the yard. He was dressed in grey work pants and t-shirt. The older man that stood behind him was a little heavier around the middle and his hair had gone gray but it was obvious they were family. Epi guessed it was the bidder’s father. “Who’ll say 80,000….” A card flashed from a man standing near where Epi was perched. “80,000 thank you!” The fellow was standing in dress pants and a button down shirt. His shoes cost too much for a country auction and his sunglasses were designer. He was standing with another man, both older than the first bidder, and both had a slick, self confident feel of dealers or developers. “85,000?” The auctioneer asked the younger man and a card flashed a bid again. “85,000 do I have 90,000?” All eyes turned back to the man with money to the side and without a pause he bid again. Back and forth it went at a steady careful pace as the cost of the sale rose by five thousand dollars for each bid. “175,000…thank you, 180,000…180,000, 185… 190…195,000 dollars?” The younger man paused. “195?” The auctioneer questioned again and the younger man turned to speak softly to his father. The father shrugged a little and shook his head and when the younger man turned back around he shook his head no. “Anyone else? I have a bid of 190,000 dollars…195?” no one shooed a fly or scratched their nose. “How about 191?” The auctioneer turned back to the younger man. There was another quick conversation and the younger man nodded yes. “192…? I have 192… 193?....194….looking for 195,000 dollars come on folks it’s prime land, has a creek in it you can move horses in right away…195,000…” The younger man had again backed out of the bidding. The older bidder in front of them grinned and smiled to his friend. “I’ll get the approval, if not for the townhouses I’ll shove five or six houses back in here.” “They’ll go for that?” The other dealer asked. “195,000…looking for one hundred and ninety five thousand… you all done?” “I’ll make them go for it at this price.” The older man laughed. “Last call… I have 194,000 dollars looking for 195,000…” Epi didn’t know why the older man’s conversation bothered him so much. It didn’t matter to him if someone shoved a half dozen houses on the land, or it shouldn’t matter. The idea of the old oak and walnut trees being cut down, the white split rail fence and it’s neatly planted flowers being uprooted, felt like he’d been hit in the chest. Before he really knew what he was doing he reached over to where Tori had tucked his bidding number under a leg and snatched it up. “195,000! Thank you!” The auctioneer pointed Epi’s way. The developer glanced to his friend. “No, I was on at 194.” “Yes but I have a bid behind you.” The auctioneer answered and the crowd’s eyes turned to Epi. None of the attention felt as heavy as the look Tori gave him. “Are you out of your mind?” He hissed. “Maybe.” Epi answered honestly.

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Next Chapter Story Home Home

Is Yet Chapter Two

“196?” The developer frowned at having his property suddenly bid up again but he nodded. “197?” The auctioneer glanced to Epi once more. This time when he flashed the bidding card his hands were shaking. “I have 197, 198?” The developer glanced back to Epi before nodding to the auctioneer. “199?” Some logical part of Epi’s mind said he should stop but he hated the look the developer had given him. It was dismissive and rude and he nodded and put in his bid. “I have 199,000…. Looking for 200,000?” The developer squared his shoulders and bid again. “205?...I have 205…210? Thank you 215?” “Epi stop this?” Tori whispered and wondered if he could somehow scream out that it was all a joke and still keep Epi as his friend. “No.” Epi answered Tori simply and flashed the card again. “220….225…230…235…” Yup the bid went and people began to whisper and glance around. “250…I have 250,000 dollars do you say 255,000?” Epi nodded and heard Tori’s near panicked sigh. “260?” The auctioneer asked the developer but the man paused. He glanced again to Epi and this time was met with a challenging smirk. The developer shook his head no. “I have 255,000 looking for 260,000… anyone else want in at 260,000 dollars? I have 255,000 looking for 260,000… okay…last call… the property will be sold today… anyone else at 260,000 dollars? 255…260…” The auctioneer swung his pointing stick about the crowd as he glanced around everyone once more before he tapped it loudly against the porch. “Sold, I’ve sold it at 255,000 dollars to number 343. Please see Mr. Murphy to sign the papers. Thank you.”

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“What’s going on?” Dillon asked as he rejoined the pair with small bags of potato chips in his hand. “Epi just bought the house.” “You’re shitting me?” Dillon laughed. “It’s not funny.” Tori snapped back. “Epi what’re you doing?” “You told me I should live.” “Yes, to go get a hair cut and a massage not buy a house two states away!” “Sir?” The lawyer said carefully, not sure he wanted to get between the two fighting men. “I don’t mean to interrupt but I’m leaving as soon as we get this signed? There’s a picnic table on the back porch.” “Okay.” Epi stood, wobbled but moved toward the steps up onto the porch. “Ah there’s a ramp there too, round back, Minnie had to use a walker the last couple months she was alive, if that would be easier.” Epi paused and glanced to around the house where the man pointed. “Thanks.” He hated to admit it but it would be easier and he made his slow way around the house. Sure enough attached the back side of the wrap around porch was a switchbacked wood wheelchair ramp that had a very easy, gentle incline. It took him twice as long to go that way but he got onto the porch without falling. Only his way was blocked by Tori. “You’re crazy, you know that?” “Tori…” “What are you going to do with a house in the middle of bumfuck Pennsylvania?” “Live in it.” He turned a little sideways and moved around where Tori stood. “You’ve lost it, what little mind you’ve had you’ve lost.” He followed. “You can’t live here?” Epi paused as he maneuvered his way to sitting down. “Yes, I can.” “This isn’t exactly a stronghold for culture! I bet there’s not even a gay bar within fifty miles and good God, Epi, they’ve been staring at us like circus freaks since we arrived! This place isn’t going to hold a welcome parade for the newest queer in town!” He would have pointed out the lawyers discomfort but he knew he didn’t need to, Epi saw it. “Maybe people have been staring because your fetus’ ass has almost been hanging out of his shorts the whole time.” He propped his crutches against the picnic table and brought out his wallet and checkbook. “What do I need to sign?” He said as he turned his attention to the man across the table from him. “Jesus Epi! You can’t cook and I don’t think anyone delivers here…” “I can cook well enough.” He caught the look of unease on the lawyer’s face. “Ignore him.” “Okay, this one here says you agree to paying ten thousand today and the remainder at closing which is generally thirty days from today.”

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“Can that be sooner?” “It can be as soon as you can raise the funds.” “I have the funds. I just need to get a cashier’s check because I doubt you’ll take a personal one today.” “You…you have over two hundred thousand dollars in your checking account?” “I’ve recently sold my previous home.” He signed the paper. “Ah… this one says you acknowledge that the house was sold at auction without warranty or inspection and is sold as is. This paper states that upon until possession the former home owner’s policy will cover accident or fire but as soon as we close you’re no longer covered.” There were a few more and each one had Tori sighing and pacing and nearly biting his nails. “Christ I need a cigarette!” Tori finally declared. “You haven’t smoked since college.” Epi reminded him. “Don’t bother me with details!” “And this last paper states that the current tenet of the apartment over the garage can have up to forty five days from closing to vacate if you’d like to terminate his lease.” The name on the papers caught his eye. “Nickolaus Kern? Nick?” “Yes.” “Was he the other man bidding on the property originally?” “Yes, he was. This was his great aunt’s house. He’s been living in the apartment taking care of her and tending the property in exchange for rent. Whatever agreement you reach with him will be independent, it’s just been asked that if you’d like the space cleared, he has 45 days to find a new place.” “That’s fine…” Epi nodded and signed that agreement. He signed tax papers and about four more forms, in duplicate, before writing a check for ten thousand dollars and turning it over to the lawyer. “Thank you, Mr. Whitmore and it’s a pleasure to meet you. I’m sure you’ll find the people in these parts quite welcoming. Call my office to arrange for closing when it’ll be convenient for you.” “Thank you.” Epi shoo the mans hand and sighed as he left. He turned around on the picnic bench and caught Tori glaring at him. “What?” “You can’t do this.” “Of course I can, I’m not a child.” “Epi… I don’t mean it like that. It’s just, you don’t drive and have to be at rehab every other day and there’s the problem of finding a good place up here and finding other doctors too and you being all alone. Who’s going to mow the lawn?” “I’ll call a cab and I’ll hire someone.” “A cab? There aren’t cabs here.”

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“I’ll hire someone or take the bus or something.” “Or something? That’s not a good plan.” “I don’t need a plan.” “You’re going to need one.” “Tori, I’ll be fine.” “The bathroom is upstairs and you’re not stable on stairs yet, what if you fall and break your stubborn neck?” “I’ll manage. I’ll go up them on my ass if I have to.” “How will you even get to the grocery store and good God what about your medications?” “I’ll hire someone to come in and help if I have to. I can certainly afford it with the insurance money.” “But you’re going to be all alone up here! Just sitting up here alone and brooding and alone and I’m going to be hours away and it’s not even like there’s a club you can go to and you’re never going to meet anyone here!” “Damn, Tori, breath, if he wants to move let him move.” Dillon added in. “Shut up!” Tori snapped. “This is between him and me and not you!” The younger man held up his hands. “Geesh, whatever dudes!” And wandered back toward where the auction was continuing. Tori rubbed the bridge of his nose. “I don’t know how you’re going to do this. I guess I can get off for a couple of weeks and come up here and help you settle in for a time…” “Don’t be stupid. Help me move and I’ll manage.” “Epi…” Epi sighed and glanced around the back of the yard. The plants that had obviously grown in the same spot for years if not decades and the wide branching trees all swayed in the breeze that slipped between the house and the garage and its apartment. “Look, I know it seems impulsive to you.” That made Tori snorted. “But I need this. I… I need to get away. I can’t go back to the same bars and clubs and have people know what I was before all this.” He waved to his legs. “I can’t stay there, not right now. In a year? Or two? Maybe I can come back but right now I need to get away. I…I just…that god damn shrink keeps telling me I need to figure out who I am now, as this person. I don’t know who that man is but I can’t do that back home. I need this Tori, I really do.” He glanced around the yard again. “It’s quiet here, I can think. I need you to support me doing this.” Tori sighed and sat down next to his friend. He leaned over and dropped his head on the slender shoulder. “Of course I do, I’m just worried you won’t get the care you deserve up here in the middle of no where.”

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“Tori, we’re an hour outside of Baltimore. I’m an hour drive to Johns Hopkins and Hershey Medical Center. It’s not like I’m moving to the middle of Alaska or something.” Foot steps on the porch made both men look up and the man that had dropped out of the bidding came around the corner. “I’m sorry to bother you…” He moved closer. “Congratulations. It’s a great property.” He offered his hand. Tori grinned brightly. “Hi.” He smiled and took the hand and shook it, openly glancing the man over. “Mr. Whitmore?” “That would be me, pay him no mind.” Epi corrected. The broad shouldered man nodded. “Ah.” Tori hadn’t given him back his hand and he wasn’t willing to pull it away and be rude. “You must be Nick.” Tori purred. “Yeah and you are?” “Yours.” “Tori shouldn’t you be babysitting your just a sneeze past being jailbait boyfriend?” Tori let go of the strong hand and turned back to Epi. He raised his eyebrows with an interested look as he came to sit back down. “This is my friend Tori, forgive me for not getting up.” Nick stepped over, wiped his hand against his jeans and offered it to Epi. “It’s alright and yeah I’m Nick, I’m over the carriage house.” Epi took the hand and glanced up and fell hard against the sincere blue eyes. For a moment he forgot what he was going to say. “Indeed you are, Nick.” Tori purred and Epi smacked him in the chest with his free hand. “Don’t mind him, he likes to push people’s buttons but he’s harmless.” Epi apologized as he always did. “It’s okay.” Nick’s eyes glanced down not to the crutches but to where the brace on Epi’s wrist was peeked out from under his shirt sleeve. Epi caught the glance and moved to tug his sleeve back down. “So, yeah I just wanted to say hello. I need to get with you and figure out what you want me to do. No rush just, need to know what you’d like done.” “Nick…” Tori leaned back against the table. “Do you mind that we’re gay?” “Tori.” Epi scolded. Nick glanced around and when he was fairly sure it all wasn’t some joke someone in town was pulling he shook his head. “Why would I?” “So the fact that my best friend in the world Epi here likes guys doesn’t make you want to take a ball bat to his skull?”

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“I’m sorry, Mr. Kern he normally remembers his manners better.” Epi turned and gave Tori a harsh glare. “Of course not. Look, not all small town folk are hateful.” “Good….good… so you were taking care of your aunt?” Nick rubbed the palms of his hands against his pants again. “I’ve been living here for the last four years helping out but more so in the last year. Aunt Minnie was a stubborn woman and didn’t let anyone do much for her.” “So you’ve experience with stubborn people with limited mobility?” Nick’s blue eyes darted across Epi. “Some.” “How about you stay on in your apartment, rent free, if you help my friend Epi here when he moves in?” “Shouldn’t I have a say in this?” “You’re moving two hours away from me, he knows the house and property and the area, he’ll be a stones throw away and it’s this or I higher some crazy mean, horrible East German nurse and give her orders to sponge bathe you every six hours.” He glanced between Tori and Nick. “I can bathe myself, thank you very much.” Tori snorted. “I’ll do it, just you see if I don’t.” “Well, it would depend on what you needed done. I’m not a nurse but I am first aid certified.” “Beyond keeping up the yard and house?” Tori glanced to his friend. “I’m fine.” “He needs someone to help him. He doesn’t drive and will need to be taken to rehab every other day and back home, other doctor appointments and the like as needed and out to get groceries. He needs someone about to make sure he doesn’t fall and break his neck and someone to nag him to do his exercises.” “I don’t.” “Do you have decent rehab centers around here? Physical therapy and the like?” “Several.” Nick nodded. “Good. He needs someone to keep an eye on his meds and to tell him to stop being stubborn and take a pill if he’s in too much pain.” “I manage.” “Really, it’s just having someone on hand to keep an eye on him.” “I’m not a child.” Epi almost snapped but he stopped. “I have limitations.” Nick glanced between the two men and his face grew serious. “Can I…is it okay to ask what’s wrong?”

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“Last September fourth Epi was in a car accident. It nearly killed him.” He nudged Epi in the ribs. “Show him.” “Good lord.” Epi sighed but he drew up his pants leg. “I’m missing a leg now and the one I have left is shot to hell and doesn’t work right.” “And he’s got enough wire, pins and rods in his skeleton to almost qualify to be a super hero.” “A gimpy one.” “Huh.” Nick grunted. “Bet that aches something awful when the weather changes.” “Which is why he needs someone to smack him up side the head and tell him to take a pill.” “Well…” Nick glanced around the yard. “I can take care the property no problem and no one can be more hard headed than Aunt Minnie. If I feel I can’t do it I’ll let you know and either pay rent or move out.” “Good!” Tori smiled. “Now I’ll just need some information from you so I can do a background check, you know, just to make sure you don’t have a criminal record or like to chop gay men up into stew or something horrible.” Tori stood and clapped the clean cut, good looking man on the shoulder. “Let’s find a pen…hmmm?” “O..okay?” Nick stuttered a little as he glanced away from where Epi sat and let Tori lead him away. Epi stayed where he was sitting, turned around now with his back to the table and watched out across the field. It felt right, he felt right and the lingering sounds of the auction and people on the property annoyed him. He wanted them gone, off his space and his land and to be left alone. Soon enough, he promised himself, soon enough he could sit on the porch, his porch and just be alone.

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Is Yet Chapter Three

“Well, there's time to change your mind.” Tori said as they pulled from the main road up the gravel lane to where the old brick house sat in the middle of it's green yard. They'd already stopped in the nearby city of York and finalized the sale. It was there that Epi traded off cash for a set of keys. “I'm not changing my mind.” In fact he'd arranged to take possession of the house a week before he had to.

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“Appliances will be here this morning, the movers arrive this afternoon.” Tori had driven them up and loaded the back of his car with cleaning supplies and overnight bags and the things Epi absolutely couldn't pack like his medication. He pulled the car around to the back of the house where the long ramp had been built on and turned the engine off. Over the garage on the small balcony a door opened and Nick stepped out. He was dressed in casual shorts and another t-shirt but this time he had flip flop sandals on his feet. He stood over them for a moment as Tori got his door open. “Hey, you made it.” “Like it or not.” Tori called back as he opened the back door and started to pull out mops and scrub buckets and cleaners. “Your background check cleared. I now trust you on a trial bases to take care of my friend.” Nick had stomped down the wood steps. “That's good to know. Here I thought being a drug lord in the 80's would have caused trouble.” “Ha ha, so funny.” Tori smirked and pushed the cleaning supplies at Nick. “Just for that you can help carry.” “Seriously, whatever I can do to help.” “Really?” Tori raised an eyebrow. “Anything?” “You have a boyfriend.” Epi reminded his friend. “Can you stop messing with the mops and pop the trunk?” “Sorry.” Tori moved around the back and got the crutches out of the trunk. Epi needed to be able to stretch his leg out on car trips and only could keep the crutches at the seat with him if they were going on a short drive. He got the crutches out and left the trunk open, they'd packed it full of things too not the least of which was Epi's wheelchair. Epi got to his feet and didn't even try to manage the steps. It took him longer to go up the ramp and by the time he reached the door Tori and Nick had the car emptied. Boxes, suitcases and supplies soon lined the porch and Nick hauled the wheelchair up as well as Tori placed his last armload of things down. Epi juggled the keys in his hands a moment. “It's not like you haven't owned a house before.” “Yeah but never alone and this is a real house, an honest to God one you know? Not a condo or townhouse.” “Is all the same, the square footage just changes.” “Yeah.” He put the key in the lock and told himself that he wasn't nervous about the whole crazy idea. The key turned easily but the door stuck a little in it's frame, Epi had to really shove it to get it open. “Sorry about that, it sticks after it rains.” Nick apologized. Epi went into his house, his new house, and sneezed. The air was stuffy and dusty from being shut up and suddenly he saw all the things that were wrong with the house. It seemed frumpy and old and run down. What had seemed like aged charm now seemed like an impossible repair job.

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Tori put a hand on his shoulder. A silent show of support and acknowledgment that he wasn't alone. “There are cobwebs everywhere.” “It's an old house. You'll have spiders or thousand leggers.” “What?” “Spiders will eat thousand leggers and vice versa so you'll have more of one than the other.” “Thousand leggers? I don't want to know. Well, nothing to do until the furniture arrives but clean.” “I told you I have someone coming in this week.” “Yes, yes but until then I can get the sink clean and the windows washed down and the bathroom cleaned. Shoo, go onto that porch swing and get out of my way. Keep an eye out for all these people that are supposed to be here. Phone and cable people are supposed to be here too sometime today.” The morning passed quickly. Epi got to help as the appliances were delivered which mostly meant holding doors open and getting out of the way. Tori had insisted he get a new stove and fridge, something he'd almost not done. Now looking at the house and seeing it's age he was glad to have something new that was his and his alone. Even if the modern appliances looked a little odd in the obviously older kitchen he was still glad for them. As he held the door open for the old stove to be carted away he caught sight of Nick across the yard, working on an old lawn mower, quietly watching. It wasn't the first time it had occurred to Epi how odd it would be to see someone else living in a relative’s house but it was the first time it occurred to him with the man there watching. Worse, he'd moved in and instantly changed things and it would only continue. Tori had someone coming in later in the week to remove the old shag carpet from the one floor and in a few weeks there would be painting and other cosmetic work. He stopped feeling badly when he stepped into his small, outdated kitchen and was faced with really nice appliances. It wasn't long until the phone guy and the cable guy got there and while they were sitting at the picnic table eating the salad and sandwiches Tori had packed the movers arrived. That made them busy again as boxes and furniture had to be directed to the right rooms but Epi took up a spot at the door and guided the movers to the right general area. “It's a good thing you've always had a taste for antiques, Epi, I'd forgotten how old a lot of this stuff was.” Tori said as a hutch was carefully placed in the dining room. “I'm glad to have it out of storage.” All of his things had been put into storage and most of it Epi hadn't missed but he had missed his books and box after box of books was carted into the house and back to the library with it's stained glass window. “I'll have to go through it, sort out what... well what shouldn't be kept.” “Don't throw everything of his out, asshole or not he was a big part of your life for long time.” Tori warned but Epi just nodded. “Come upstairs and tell me which bedroom you want set up in.” He'd been dreading those steps and he knew Tori was going to make him go up and down them several times before he was satisfied and felt he could leave. Epi drew a breath and made his slow way up the steps, one step at a time. When he eached the top Tori stood smiling at him. “You didn't come up on your ass.” “No, but I'll sit down to go down them.”

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“Good, know your limits but try to reach beyond them.” Epi hadn't ever actually been upstairs of the house he owned. He'd made Tori take pictures but hadn't wanted to try to climb the steps on the day of the auction. There were four large rooms and one small room upstairs. One of the large rooms had been converted into a bathroom and one of the bedrooms had a sleeping porch off of it. “This one..” He opened the door to the screened in second story porch and walked out onto it, the green of the yard rolling out before him and the branches of the nearest tree almost brushing against the screens. This was going to be his bedroom even if the bed that would be set up had once been shared happily in another bedroom. “No closets, we'll have to get you a wardrobe or two, the rooms are big enough. For now we'll set your clothes up in the other bedroom here but you'd better set up a guest room soon. Dillon will get jealous if he learns we're sharing a bed all the time.” “I don’t have near enough furniture.” “The house is huge but you’ll have time.” Tori grinned as he pried open a box of clothing, found it to be summer things and tucked the flaps shut. “Tori?” “Hmmm?” He glanced over his shoulder to where his friend stood. “Thank you.” “For what, sweetie?” He waved with one crutch to the house around him. “For backing me on this. I know you don’t like the idea…” “Epi…” He sighed and stood up. “You’re my best friend, you’re closer to me than my own sisters. If you need this, I don’t have to understand it. I’ll be a phone call away and really I expect you to set up a streaming video of mister beefcake there mowing the lawn with his shirt off.” He tossed an arm over Epi’s shoulder and tried to see if the sleeping porch gave a good view of where his friend’s new neighbor was working. Tori straining to see made Epi chuckle a little. “You’re rotten.” “Indeed but he is all manly and sexy…” “I’m scared, Tori.” Tori squeezed his friend closer. “I know. If it’s too much or you’re not happy we can have you back in my condo almost over night. Deal?” He nodded. “Deal.” He’d never lived alone before and now here he was, in a 10 room old farmhouse in a town where he didn’t know anyone. “Good, now come tell me what clothes you want unpacked and what you want left out. Because they’ll be up here soon to put the bed together and I want to clear the off season clothing into the other room.” It took the better part of the afternoon to have the movers haul everything in and place it where it belonged. Even with furniture assembled and in place and boxes stacked in the center of rooms, the house seemed empty and unlived in. Epi stood at the front screen door and watched the

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moving truck rumble down the gravel lane back out to the main road. With the truck and the men gone he was now really doing it. He glanced around the things that had once meant so much to him. “None of this stuff feels like mine anymore.” “Well.” Tori pulled the wrappings off of a framed, antique US map from 1856. “Go through it as you unpack and what you don’t want anymore you can pitch or ebay or have a yard sale. No one says you need to keep all this.” Epi wanted to push it all out into the yard and throw it all away. It was an itchy desire to toss everything away and start over. He doubted his shrink would find that amusing. Deciding on a whim to buy a house and move away could be seen as a bold step toward taking an active look at his life as it was today or it could be seen as a slip into crazy insanity. If he added in throwing everything he owned out, he knew which side of the fence his therapist would land on. “I’m not going to be able to get near enough of this unpacked for you so let’s go to the store, get groceries, pick up take out and get the kitchen unpacked tonight. Kitchen and clothes and towels and the bed made. Sound good?” Epi nodded. “Yeah. You know you don’t have to unpack any of this. I’ll manage.” “I know I don’t but I’m going to anyway. Besides, you’re stuck with me until tomorrow afternoon anyway. Let’s go pester Mr. Hot Stuff about where the nearest store is.” “You know this is why straight men hate us.” “Oh pish they ogle women all the time and sexualize them. It’s about time they grow up and deal with the shoe being on the other foot.” “There’s more to a man then sex.” “Maybe, but it’s the best part of him.” Tori laughed and scooped up his car keys and totally missed the pained, unhappy look that flitted across Epi’s face. When he turned back Epi’s normal closed off look of frustration was back in place and Tori smiled brightly. “Let’s go get you pop tarts and microwave meals and all the other junk you claim is cooking.” “Don’t forget fruit loops.” “God you and your fruit loops.” Tori teased and hid his own worry behind a smile.

It was dark by the time they got home, got the groceries unloaded and the kitchen put together. They’d eaten while out and that had been a smart idea because Epi was exhausted and worn out and not in the mood for food by the time the task was done. “Go see what the local cable is like, I’m going to run over and speak with Mr. Kern about coming by for lunch tomorrow and give him all my instructions.” “The book.” Epi grumbled. “The care and feeding of the captive pain in the ass.” “Something like that. I’ll be right back down.” Tori picked up the canvas tote bag he’d left by the door and let the screen door squeak and slam behind him. The lights were on over the garage and he climbed the steps to the second story balcony and knocked on the wood door. It took a

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moment but the door opened. “Hello, Mr. Kern.” “Nick, my father is Mr. Kern.” “Fair enough. Can I bug you for a moment?” Nick glanced over his shoulder into the apartment and shrugged. “Sure, come in.” Tori had been expecting the place to be the typical bachelor pad with tacky mismatched furniture and clutter everywhere. Instead, the decent sized open space had storage bins and shelves, a decent if not fancy coffee table and a nice, high quality futon sofa bed. The kitchen was small but clean and the coffee in the maker smelled fresh. “I don’t get much company up here.” He apologized and moved to gather a few scattered books from the only side chair in the apartment. The cover of the book caught his eye and Tori raised an eyebrow. “The Long Fall by S. Epitome Whitmore.” Nick shrugged. “I googled his name, saw the books and ordered them. Town hasn’t caught on that a famous writer has moved in yet.” “Well, Epi isn’t quite famous but he sells well enough. Do you like it?” “It’s okay.” He shrugged and moved out of the way so Tori could sit down. “I’m leaving tomorrow afternoon.” “Okay.” Nick sat down on the edge of the futon. “I printed out information for you.” He pulled the folder out and it really was almost thick enough to be a book. “It’s indexed for easy reference.” Nick took it and opened it. “I see that.” He tried not to snicker because it was obvious the other man’s intentions were good. “Contact information is there by order of importance. Call me before you even try to reach his parents and if you can’t reach me or them call his lawyer, he’ll know who to get in touch with. But really, try to find me as I have his power of attorney. There’s his list of current and past medications, what he needs to take when. He’s still on blood thinners and it’s important you understand what that means.” “Aunt Minnie was on them. Is he bruising like she was?” “You look at him funny and he’ll bruise.” Tori nodded. “Flash drive with his entire medical history on it, don’t let a hospital or doctor keep this, make them make a copy or you make one and take along. Hard copies have all been sent to his new doctors but it’s good to have a digital one for emergencies.” “You trust me with this?” “I’m trusting you with my best friend, his medical files are the least of my worries. Your background check came up clean as a boy scout’s and I’ll be back up here at least for an over night visit in two weeks. He won’t eat when he’s upset, we bought enough groceries for a week so if at the end of the week he’s still got plenty you need to call me so I can chew him out.”

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Next Chapter Story Home Home

Is Yet Chapter Four

“Okay.” Nick agreed as he flipped through the folder. “Nick, I need you to focus on this. I’m serious.” “I understand.” “No, you don’t. You know when you see road kill that’s been rained on and run over and all mangled on the side of the road?” He waited until Nick looked up from the folder. “Epi looked like that when they brought him into the hospital. If it wasn’t for the ID in his wallet I wouldn’t have known it was him. He’s not adjusting well and it doesn’t help that his surviving leg is so badly damaged. His balance is shit. He blew out his right ear and it’s healed but he’s going to have balance issues from that for a long, long time. He can be fine one moment and unable to tell up from down the next. I’m scared silly he’s going to fall down those steps and re-break something or break something new.” Tori sighed and rubbed at his eyes. “He has to get up and try to walk every day, around the condo he’ll just use the wheelchair when no one’s home and I’m worried he’ll do that here.” “I’ll check on him.” “Good. Here.” He pulled the lock box out of the bottom of the canvas bag. “In here are his medications.” “You keep them locked up?” “I do and everything from Tylenol to cough drops…well maybe not the cough drops.” He punched in the lock code on the keypad. “I have an extra key too I’ll give you but the code works as well.” Inside were pill bottles both over the counter and prescription and several week long snap top plastic pill cases. The day letters hand been scratched out and in black marker was written 1A 1B 2A 2B 3A 3B. “Never give him more than three days of his medication at a time and only put two of these, the sedatives he takes for panic attacks, in the extra section. He can take those as needed.” “Why do you keep his meds locked up?” “Because four months ago I didn’t and came home from work and found him passed out in a puddle of his own vomit, that’s why.” “He tried to kill himself.” Tori nodded. “And while he says he won’t try again his doctor recommends the temptation be

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kept away, at least for now.” “If he wants to off himself he’ll find a way.” “Maybe but Epi is a creature of habits and he’s not likely to go cutting on himself or walking in front of a bus so until his shrink says he can be trusted with them, they stay out of reach and locked up.” “Even Tylenol?” “Epi asked me for that, nothing in the condo that could tempt him. We just had everything refilled.” He shut the box and handed it over to Nick. “The pass code’s in the folder too.” Tori sat back and studied the quiet, handsome man. “We’re asking a lot of you. Caring for a family member is one thing but a stranger?” “I don’t mind. It’s not like he can’t take care of himself, I just need to watch out for him and drive him places.” “He can be a royal pain in the ass too. Sharp tempered and mean when he’s upset but a lot of that is because he really hasn’t adjusted at all. He used to be very quiet and good natured. The more angry he is at himself the more he’ll snap at you.” “I think I can handle it. Anything else?” “Your cell phone? I want to see it.” “What?” “Just give it to me.” Tori held out his hand and shook it until Nick stood up and went to his desk to pull the phone from it’s charger. Tori started poking at it. “I’m putting in my cell number, my work number both the east and west side spas, my cell number and my parents house.” Nick did laugh now. “Anything else you want to program into my phone?” “The others are in the folder.” “I saw.” Nick dropped the folder onto the coffee table. “How much care does he really require and how much of this is you just being a fuss?” Tori wanted to say that none of it was because he was being fussy but he shook his head. “He’ll get by. The anti-depressant they have him on has been working well but it isn’t one step forward and two back, it’s a half step forward and about four back when he slips back. What’s in that folder is what works when he starts to slip.” He sat up. “And I don’t expect you to care as much as I do if he starts to slip so I want you to call me.” That was an answer Nick could respect. “Look, I keep to myself, I can respect someone that wants to start over and I’m grateful he bought this land and didn’t let that bastard develop it out. I’ll keep an eye on him.” “Good. I think we have an understanding. Now, tomorrow I’m cooking lunch, nothing fancy just a real meal before I go and he starts to live on things he can microwave. Come on over and share it with us?” “I don’t want to bother.” “No bother and I’ll feel better knowing you won’t drown him for being a snot. He was on his feet too much today, he’s going to be hurting tomorrow and that’s going to make him snippy.” He

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stood up and glanced around the room looking for pictures of family or friends and found none in frames on shelf or wall. “Well.” Nick stood as his guest did. “With a promise like that how can I refuse.” “Good!”

“It looks like Nick heard what a grump you are and changed his mind about lunch.” Tori teased. Nick hadn’t been around the whole morning, his car missing from the side of the carriage house where it had been parked. Only around noon he rolled up the gravel lane, the not very fussy and very ordinary car hummed softly as he slid into his space and parked. He hopped out and brushed at the blue work pants he had on as he came around the corner. “Why, Nick you’ve just made a liar out of me.” Tori called out as he set the fresh corn on the cob onto the table. “How so?” “I just told Epi his grumpiness had scared you away.” “Naw, had to work.” He brushed at his t-shirt and bits of sawdust fell off of him. Epi put the platter of pan seared and roasted citrus seasoned chicken on the table. “Just what is it you do, Mr. Kern?” “Nick.” He corrected. Epi raised his eyebrows. “I prefer Mr. Kern. I don’t like to get too friendly with my keepers.” Behind him Tori rolled his eyes and placed a rice pilaf on the picnic table. “Yes, Nick what is it you do?” “I help my father part time. He makes replacement pieces in wood. Carvings, spindle chair backs, table legs, things like that, restoration work. And when he doesn’t have enough work I freelance as a graphic designer on the net.” Nick glanced between the two men as Epi dropped himself onto the picnic table bench on the opposite side. “Such contrasting work.” Tori grinned as he poured iced tea into Epi’s glasses and placed one in front of each man. “I like working with my hands but I like not being stuck to a time clock too.” He nodded at the tea. “Thanks, this looks real nice.” “Thank you! Epi’s a brat, he’s never really had to cook for himself. So if I don’t get a real meal into him now he won’t have one until I come back up. Do you cook, Nick?” “Aunt Minnie saw I could get by but nothing like this.” Tori sat down as well and started to pass the first plate of food around. “I was hoping to snoop last night and see what photos were in your apartment last night Nick but I didn’t see one.” “Tori.”

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“What?” “No, it’s okay. I’m not that close to my family much anymore.” “Not seeing anyone?” “Tori! Leave the man alone.” “What?” Tori looked all innocent. “No, not seeing anyone right now. I keep pretty much to myself.” Nick shoved a forkful of chicken into his mouth and nodded at the flavor. “Hm, this is good.” He said around the food, surprised because fancier food normally didn’t taste good to him. When he’d swallowed he nodded to Tori. “How’d you two meet?” “College, we were on the same dorm floor freshman year. Nobody could stand Epi so I took pity on him and befriended him.” “I was liked just fine.” “He wasn’t, I promise you he rubbed everyone the wrong way.” “They were assholes. I wasn’t there to make friends.” Epi picked at his chicken. “So at a floor party I made it a point to flirt with him, we got drunk, ended up in bed and the jerk here didn’t say another word to me forever. About broke my heart.” “You’re such a liar. He was sleeping with a professor before the first month was up.” “Which since I was seventeen at the time led to a very nice settlement with the college to keep everything quite and allowed me to open my first spa!” Tori grinned. Nick almost choked on his food. “You’re kidding?” “Of course I’m not.” “The Prof was offering private lessons to several other young men too, one of them told someone who told someone and the school rushed to hush everything up.” “I didn’t ask for money but if someone is going to say here take this nice check and don’t sue us for your months of hot sex who am I to say no?” He sipped at the tea. “They tried to keep our delicate names from the gossip mills but that never works and most of the other fellows transferred but I stuck it out. People snubbed me and one day Epi walked by and said fuck em, they’re just jealous.” “We’ve been friends since.” “Best advice anyone ever gave me.” Nick wasn’t sure if they were serious or not but he figured it didn’t matter. “So you two aren’t…” The friends exchanged a look and both frowned and shook their heads. “It was a disaster.” Epi groaned. “He’s an awful lay.”

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“I am not, or I wasn’t once upon a time. We’re just too much alike.” “He means we’re both too selfish and arrogant to be partners. But that means we make great friends cause we can be arrogant together. Besides you’ve seen my boyfriend.” “He likes them young and stupid.” “When I want to settle down I’ll find someone I can have long conversations with but really what use do I have for that now?” Nick glanced between the friends and caught Epi’s shaking of his head in unspoken disagreement and Tori’s happy smirk. “Takes all sorts, I guess.” Tori nodded. “Exactly. So what is there to do around here?” Tori kept the conversation light and moving during lunch and let Epi sit quietly and poke at his food. Nick didn’t seem to mind the other man even when Epi stood and sullenly left the table without a word spoken. “He used to have manners.” Tori sighed. “It’s okay.” “I’m leaving around three or so.” “I won’t be back until at least six.” Nick finished his chicken and leaned away from the table. “He’ll be okay.” He flashed a quick smile. “I’ve become a nervous nelly over him. I know he doesn’t seem the sort now, but I promise you before all this mess he would have done as much if not more for me.” Tori glanced down and didn’t want to admit it but he was burnt out and needed the break from Epi as much as Epi needed the break from him. “I doubt he’ll bother to fake things with you but if you catch him smiling a lot and saying he’s okay? He’s lying through his teeth. If he does that for more than a couple of days, you need to call me because he’ll swing into depression if that cycle is allowed to continue.” “How’ll I know the difference?” “Oh trust me you’ll know. When he really smiles, well, he’s beautiful. When he’s faking it it’s painful to see.” Tori glanced over the other man and sighed at the waste of him being straight. “Anyway, he shouldn’t be too much bother, he isn’t even willing to try to date or be social and I’ll be back up here at least overnight in a couple of weeks.” Nick nodded. “I don’t go anywhere anyway but this fall I’ll be gone for a couple of three or four day weekends for deer season.” “Deer season?” Tori questioned and was surprised when Nick looked at him like he was the village idiot. “Deer hunting.” “Oh.” “I don’t go for turkey anymore and I never did like the taste of bear so I just go out for deer. Starts the end of November but I might go up for muzzleloader and that’s in October.” He was used to the reaction from non-locals. “What?” Tori shrugged. “I don’t know just doesn’t seem sporting like to go blow bambi away.”

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“There’s sport hunters and real hunters. We eat what we kill and it’s a kinder death than starving to death slowly over the winter. A responsible hunter isn’t like the jerks you see on private game reserves shooting from their car.” “Whatever floats your boat.” Nick didn’t try to debate the issue or point out that they’d just had chicken, tasty yummy chicken that had never known the joys of roaming freely across a mountainside. Tori leaned forward and glanced into the house but when he didn’t see or hear Epi returning he assumed it was safe to talk. “Look, maybe this isn’t my place but while he’s out of the room. You need to know to take along at least one of his anti-anxiety pills when you drive him some place. I don’t know how he’ll react, he might view you like a taxi and be okay with it but if he doesn’t he’ll need something.” “Because it was a car accident.” “Accident isn’t maybe the right word. It’s the kind word.” He actually stood up this time and looked into the house before he went on. “His boyfriend was driving. He ran them full speed into a tree deliberately.” “You’re sure?” “I’m sure, the cops are sure, the insurance is sure, everyone is sure but Epi won’t talk about it. He just freaks sometimes while in a car. When he first got out of the hospital we had to pull over every few minutes just so he could open the door and breathe. He’s better but that’s with me driving and he can’t drive himself yet. The panic attacks and vertigo and instability make it impossible. So take those pills with you, go slow and carefully and if he says he needs you to stop, stop and give him a moment. He’s not faking or being dramatic. Okay?” “Okay.” “Okay then.” Tori nodded and sat down. “And if he…” “I know, call you.” Nick chuckled. “It’ll be okay.” The fussing was touching in an annoying way and Nick found he couldn’t blame either man. Not Tori for being so concerned for his friend’s welfare or Epi for wanting to move away and start over, alone. He waited until Epi returned and then just long enough past that to be polite before he stood and quietly excused himself and went back to work.

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Is Yet Chapter Five

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The afternoon went by too quickly for Tori’s taste. They cleaned up lunch and he straightened some more in the sadly empty bedroom. He wanted to hang some pictures or something but it didn’t make much sense when Epi couldn’t make up his mind what he wanted where. It all boiled down to time and Tori’s time had run out. “You’re sure you don’t want me to stay another couple of days?” He asked as he tossed his suitcase into the car. “For God’s sake, Tori, go home.” Epi shook his head. “You’d think I never lived without you before.” “Well…” “I have a babysitter, it’s good enough.” “You’ll call me?” “Yes, tonight and tomorrow.” “And the day after.” Tori shut the car door. “And you’ll stay out of that wheelchair as much as you can. No getting lazy without me here to yell at you.” “As much as I can.” He promised. Tori shook his head again. “Here.” He produced a pair of sealed folders from behind his back. “What’s this?” Epi took them and turned them over. The top one was marked T. Ridell and the date of September twelfth a year ago. “Oh.” “I know you say you don’t give a shit but you might one day, what with all this free time on your hands.” “I still say it’s morbid to tape a funeral.” “Morbid or not, they made a copy for his grandparents out west. I know you said you didn’t care but you need to say goodbye to him sooner or later and if you want to see it, there it is. Don’t throw it out okay?” He wanted to burn it. “Okay.” If his dead boyfriend’s funeral was in one folder, he couldn’t imagine what was sealed in the other. “And this one?” “I know you…” “Yes I said I didn’t give a shit, what did you do?” Tori sighed and rolled his eyes. “I pulled the memory card from Timothy’s camera before his parents took it.” “You what?” “I just…took it. They don’t know squat about digital cameras and you bought him the damned thing. I just figured you might want the photos from that trip since it was research. The camera was fried but the memory card works.” Epi had still been in a coma and it had fallen on Tori to let Timothy’s parents into their townhouse to pack his things. At the time they hadn’t even been sure Epi would live and Tori had been swamped with getting his friend’s things packed and in storage

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too but he wasn’t going to let some strangers take his friend’s things. He’d watched them like a hawk and saw to it that anything he knew was solidly Epi’s hadn’t disappeared. “You said…” Epi had been told the camera that had been in the car had been destroyed and he’d thought the pictures of that trip were lost. He’d known they were gone because Timothy’s family had taken it with his things. “Yes but you bought him that camera and I knew you wouldn’t care about the thing but the photos are yours. It was your trip for your work. Just…thought you might want it one day. So I snitched it. Bastards tried to take your laptop too, I bet they bundled everything straight to a yard sale the next day.” He shook his head at Epi’s stunned look. “They didn’t miss it, if you feel bad about it make them copies.” “I don’t feel bad about it. Not sure I want to see them.” “Well, in case you do, there it is. I know I’m rotten.” He reached up and brushed some of the too long hair back. “We should have gotten you a haircut before dropping you alone in the wilds.” “It’s fine.” “Alright scruffy, I’m leaving, you don’t need anything else?” “No.” Tori tossed his arms around Epi’s shoulders, hugged him quickly and pressed a kiss to the side of his face. “Call me.” “Yes mother.” “I’m serious!” “Get out of here.” “Fine, I’m gone, if you need anything…” “YES!” Epi nearly shouted. “Fine fine…bye!” “See you around, Tori.” He stepped back as his friend finally climbed into the driver’s side and shut the car door. The vehicle hummed to life and the windows rolled down. “Bye!” “Bye! Love you! Try to have fun!” “Love you too.” The car finally reversed back and turned around. The horn honked a little and Tori shoved an arm out the window to wave. Epi waved back and stood and watched as he was suddenly left completely alone. Tori waved and smiled and pulled the steady sedan out onto the main road. He made it out of town before he had to pull over and bury his hands in his face and sob. It wasn’t that he didn’t think Epi could do it or that he wouldn’t be okay on his own. He’d just spent a year with every day consumed with worry. It had been a year that had turned both of their lives upside down and Tori had been running on nervous energy for too long. He sobbed because he’d been able to be there and do something so important for someone he loved but he sobbed also because it was over and something of his life was now free. He wiped at his eyes and pushed the spate of tears down. “Tori – boy you need a spa day…and

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chocolate….and shopping…” He pulled the car back onto the road and continued toward home. “And an island beach with really hot cabana boys that serve more than drinks…”

The sound of Tori's car faded away and the yard suddenly grew very quiet. Epi glanced around at the yard and trees and suddenly remembered that he had killed every house plant he'd ever tried to take care of. He didn't even know what half of the plants were let alone what to do to keep them alive. He wandered back into the house and it felt quiet and oppressive. The folders Tori had given him would stay sealed, he wasn't ready to open them let alone see what they held so he pulled open a drawer on his china cabinet and tossed them inside. There was plenty to do. His life had literally stopped and frozen a year ago and now it stood around him in boxes and stacks waiting to be rediscovered. He just wasn't sure he was ready to do that, wasn't sure he'd like what he found waiting. Instead, he wandered back out onto the porch and around to the swing. The chains weren't rusted but he was suspicious of anything simply screwed into the ceiling over head. The swing creaked a little as he sat down but it held his weight and Epi sat there wondering just what the hell he'd done, alone with only the squirrels darting about yard.

“Wasn't sure if you were going to come out willingly.” Nick called out from where he leaned against his car. He had planned to give Epi five more minutes before he went into the house after the man. “In case you didn't notice, I'm not the swiftest of creatures.” Epi answered as he made his slow and careful way down the long ramp. He'd seen Nick in passing over his first few days at the house but the other man had kept mostly to himself but his first duty of hauling Epi to rehab had arrived and there was no avoiding it. “Tori said I should take the chair.” “I don't need it.” “He said it should go along.” “I'm fine. They're not going to do anything today anyway. It'll all be evaluation and shit. God this ramp is long.” “Had to be. Aunt Minnie wouldn't let anyone help her so had to make the pitch low.” “You built this?” Nick shrugged. “Wasn't hard.” Epi glanced up at the man in the docker pants and polo shirt that looked more like he should be golfing than building wheelchair ramps and frowned at his handsome, pulled together clean cut looks. “I bet you played football in school.” “Football and wrestling. You didn't?” He couldn't help it, his mind supplied a mental image of Nick in spandex tumbling around on a mat with other boys. He shook his head both to clear it of it's random thoughts and to deny the question. “No, my school didn't offer either. Lacrosse, soccer, judo, fencing, swimming, track...” “Fencing?” But at the look Epi gave him he didn't question further. “You play any of them?”

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“What? My athleticism doesn't betray my history?” “You were probably on the chess team or something dorky and don't want to fess up to it.” “You'll be happy to know I am a horrible chess player. Though I did join the chess club one semester but that was just to get closer to a boy I had a crush on. What do you say we just skip this shit and tell Tori I went?” “He'd skin us both.” Nick took the crutches and small duffel bag and put them in the backseat after Epi got a grip on the car and got himself into his seat. “Big strapping fellow like you shouldn't be frightened of a scrawny gay boy.” “I may look it, but I'm not stupid. Get in the car.” Nick got the back seat door closed and moved to the driver's side. He didn't want to stare but when he got in, Epi was sitting very straight backed and his hands gripped the arm rests. “Ready?” Epi nodded and waited for the car to lurch into motion. He'd seen how Nick drove with smooth skill as he came and went on the gravel lane. Only the car didn't whip around but rolled slowly and carefully out onto the lane and just as carefully out into the road. There was no way to prove that Tori had warned the other man but he wasn't going to question it, he was just grateful for it. He forced himself to lean back in his seat and closed his eyes to block out the motion outside the windows but he kept a death grip on the arm rests.

Nick didn't have to stop once on the ride to rehab which surprised him from Tori's warnings but the trip had made Epi look paler and he hadn't relaxed or spoken once the entire ride. He pulled them into the fairly new building with it's glass exterior and was glad to find a spot near the handicapped ones to park in. Tori's folder of information had contained the handicapped parking permit placard but he hadn't asked about it. “Tori gave me the placard but I didn't bring it. Do you use it?” “Only at larger parking lots but he'd use it more than that.” He opened the car door and glanced across the building. “I'll bring it next time.” Nick returned the crutches to Epi but took up the duffel bag when he gathered up his backpack. “How long do these appointments normally last?” “About an hour, sometimes longer. Today will either be shorter or longer depending on how much they evaluate. You ever been in physical therapy?” “Can't say that I have.” “Well, some will be like, lets see what you can do isn't that nice now go home and other's will be all let's test your will to live now do this until you're so exhausted you want to puke or pass out. Evaluations are fun.” “Sounds it.” “Are you dropping me off or coming inside?” Nick glanced to the car. “Which would you rather?” He hated rehab and hated sitting alone with the other broken losers more. “You can come in if

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you want. You might get some sick pleasure from watching me be tortured.” “Anything for a chuckle.” He locked and shut the door and moved ahead of the slower moving man to open the doors for him. The waiting room was decent sized and filled with happy photos of people smiling in fields not minding their broken limbs and wheelchairs. Nick took a seat as Epi checked in and got the required clipboard of paperwork to fill out. He sat down with a sigh and began to go over the endless lines. Once the clipboard was returned he sat down and rubbed at his braced wrist without thinking about it. It wasn't a long before a woman in her thirties with her hair in a ponytail and wearing the rehab's logo polo shirt and khaki pants came out. “Mr. Whitmore?” She came over and offered her hand. “I'm Jamie, it's nice to meet you.” She smiled brightly. “Epi, everyone calls me Epi.” He motioned to Nick. “This is my babysitter, Nick, if you don't mind he'll come back with us.” “It's fine by me, as you requested we have a private room for you so there's space. Ready to get to work?” “Not really.” He complained as he got to his feet. “It'll be a good day, let's get you changed.” They followed the smiling woman through a hallway and an open room where other therapists worked with other patients but they continued back to a room that was closed off from the rest. “Bathroom’s through there, go ahead and get changed, I’ll be right back.” She smiled and nodded to Nick and left the room. Epi pulled the duffel bag from Nick’s hand and made his way to the bathroom. It left him alone to look about the well equipped room. He didn’t know a great deal about physical therapy but it seemed odd that they’d have a private room. Off to the side he found and took one of the chairs placed against a wall and put his backpack down beside him. When the bathroom door opened he thought he’d ask. “How’d you wrangle a private room?” “I have money and it’s still cheaper to be a brat about service at a facility than to have in home care so the insurance doesn’t bitch too much.” Nick glanced up as Epi came out of the bathroom and was glad that the other man was looking down. He doubted he could keep the shock from his face and he didn’t mean to be hurtful. The artificial leg didn’t shock or startle him. It wasn’t an uncommon sight but the shorts the other man had put on allowed his other leg to be seen. It was a patchwork of thick lined scars. Places that should have been smooth flesh were caved in and even with the brace on that knee it was easy to see the scars and damage under it. It wasn’t just the man’s legs. The short sleeves of the t-shirt he’d changed into made the extent of his injuries more obvious. There were what looked like burn scars on his arm and a new pattern of scars in precise surgical ways. Round scars from where pins had extended through his skin, long incision scars that had healed thick and ugly. The brace on his wrist was clunky and therapeutic looking and he’d only ever seen the part that peeked from the long sleeves Epi wore to wrap around his thumb. By the time Epi had made his way over to the exam and treatment table Nick had gotten control of his expression and he hoped his lapse hadn’t been noticed. “Yes, I know…” Epi groaned as he hauled himself onto the table. “I’m a sexy beast.” He didn’t

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need to look up to feel eyes on him, he’d grown acutely aware of when people were staring. Nick didn’t say anything when Epi glanced his way. “You should have seen me a couple of months ago. Looked even more like a Frankenstein monster.” “All ready?” The therapist chirped as she came back into the room. “If I said no will it change things?” She smiled. “I’m afraid not. I’ve looked over your files, Mr. Whitmore, and your series of x-rays.” “Epi, I like to be on a first name bases with the people in my life that will make me cry like a little girl.” “Epi it is. Have you picked out a prosthetist to work with yet? You’re not on a definitive prosthesis yet right?” “Not yet, I’m a little behind in recovery from the traction and such.” Jamie moved over and began to prod at the leg with the artificial limb. “And the knee movement here?” “Stiff, sore, it tends to lock sometimes but okay.” “Any pain?” “Every time I stand it still hurts.” “You really need to tell your prosthetist about that.” “I have, they’ve made adjustments. It just hasn’t toughened up enough yet.” “Let’s get this brace off the other knee. How’s this leg working for you?” Epi glanced to where Nick sat silent and watching along the wall. He was used to being able to be silent and sulky at evaluations because Tori would answer if he was unwilling. “It’s fucked up.” “The amount of breaks to it I imagine it still is. Don’t worry, you stick with this in a couple of months it’ll almost be like new.” She smiled and felt along the leg, prodding at scars and where bones had been broken and ligaments torn. “Collarbone is all healed up?” “As good as it’ll get.” “And your ribs? Your file says you’re falling still, any further injury? Any residual breathing issues?” “Nothing major, sometimes when I’m upset but they’re telling me that’s all in my head.” “Shoulder’s doing okay for you?” She lifted Epi’s right arm and rolled the shoulder which didn’t even make him wince any more. “That’s doing better. Aches but it’s healed up.” “Same for the dislocation in your hips?” “They were fine before I was out of traction. Or well at least functioning.” “And your wrist?” She asked as she removed the brace there as well. “How’s it feel when you’re

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typing?” “I haven’t been typing much lately…” He glanced away to hide the wince as she moved it. “It’s still painful.” “And the crutches aren’t helping it any.” She smiled and Epi started to hope it would be an easy evaluation and he could soon go home. “Well, Epi, let’s get the prosthesis off and start getting some base line measurements out of the way. I know where you were down in Virginia but I like to know where a client is when I start working with him. I promise it’ll be painless.” “Everyone promises that.” He grumbled but was already moving to remove the fake leg. There was no avoiding it if he ever wanted something close to a normal life again but he was sick to death of rehab. An hour later Epi was really sick of rehab but with Jamie now satisfied and sitting quietly writing notes while Epi but his various braces and limbs back in place it was at the least, over. “You’re an evil woman, Jamie.” Things hurt, they hurt a lot and he didn’t give a damn if it was supposed to be a good hurt. She smiled brightly. “Thank you! Look, Epi, your friend Tori picked me for a reason.” “He’s evil too.”

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Is Yet Chapter Six

“I’m honest, I like being honest with my clients so you want to know what I’m thinking?” He strapped the knee brace tightly on and glanced up. “Of course.” Most of the therapists he’d worked with had preferred to deal in vagueness and noncommittal answers. “You’re not doing your exercises. Your left leg is showing signs of contraction, nothing severe yet but it’s there. Same for your hip joints, it’s a real minor loss of range of motion but it’s there and it shouldn’t be. Your right leg? It’s bad, you really have it messed up but the progress with it even in the last few months? That’s quite good, but I’m not going to lie to you, it’ll never be a hundred percent again, ever. If you work hard, do the exercises I assign, put in an effort here? We can get it back to eighty five, ninety, maybe ninety five percent when it’s all said and done. The ankle is always going to hurt, the knee may never be sound enough to support you without a brace but it’ll be more stable and move better. Your right shoulder? That’s really healed nicely given how badly it was dislocated but your wrist, it’s always going to give you trouble. I think in the next say eight weeks or so if you put the work into it and take care of it, we can see about moving you to a less restrictive brace and later to an even lighter one. Good news is eventually I think you’ll be

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able to go without it for most day to day things. Typing, sports, anything repetitive, you’re still going to want to brace it simply because it’s going to hurt but that isn’t bad.” She smiled from Epi to Nick before she tapped the edge of one of Epi’s crutches. “And these? While a good step from a walker, I’d like to get you off these one day.” “It’s possible?” “If you put in the work, it should be very possible. However, I won’t lie, your stability is shot and some of that will come back but some of it won’t. Best case? You’re back up and mobile without any assistance. Worst case? You might want to keep a cane with you. Don’t give me that look, not one of those medical canes but just a cane, something solid you can use as a point of balance. I know we can get you there, without a doubt.” Epi looked to where Nick had sat silent and watching the entire time. “If I put the work in.” “If you do.” She agreed. “We’re not supposed to give timelines. Everyone heals differently, progresses differently but if you don’t hold it against me if we can’t do it, I’ll say this. You commit to working with me and in thirty days we’ll see about taking your rehab down to two days a week. Stick with it, work as hard as I ask you to, make progress? Another thirty to sixty later we’ll try to take you down to once a week. It’ll give you a lot of your life back without having to get here so often. I know you have to be pretty eager to get this part of it all over with.” “It’s not personal. I’m sure you’re a lovely woman, but I’d be happy to never see you again.” “So, that’ll be our goal. Also here, call his guy. You really need to be fitted for a definitive prosthesis. The leg you’re on now isn’t helping you any. You need a lighter one with how unstable your right leg is and maybe one that’s more responsive.” “I have a referral already.” “Call my guy anyway. He’s a transtibial amputee as well, ten years now. He’ll get you on the right leg.” Epi took the card and turned it over in his hand. “I’ll think about it.” “Doesn’t have to be my recommendation but get into someone soon. You’ll be amazed at the difference. Other than that, the real work starts Wednesday.” Her smile never faltered. “It’s a pleasure to meet you Epi, I know we’ll work well together.” He forced a smile and said the right pleasant helpful things as he shook her hand. She said good bye to Nick as well before leaving them alone in the room. When the door shut, he hobbled his way to the bathroom to change. “I fucking hate rehab.”

“No, you’d approve, she’s a nazi.” Epi complained to Tori on the phone. The three rehab sessions his first week with his new, seemingly innocent looking, new therapist had proven taxing. “She’s not letting me get away with shit.” He was sitting in the wheelchair he both needed and hated and was staring out the screen door into his back yard. “Good.” Tori agreed. “Someone needs to kick you in the ass sometimes. You’re still okay up there?” “I’m still okay.” Tori asked easily four times every time they talked.

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“You haven’t said how the it went with the new shrink, you did go didn’t you?” Epi rolled his eyes. “Yes and he’s a twat.” Tori laughed. “You barely know the guy.” “I know him well enough to know he’s a twat.” Outside a minivan pulled up the gravel lane and stopped near the garage. “He spent half the hour going over the whole, life isn’t over speech. I’d like to chop the fucker’s leg off and see how he feels.” “Don’t be bitter.” “How’s your fetus?” “He is naked on my sofa eating ice cream. Speaking of eye candy, how’s yours?” “He’s not mine.” “Technicalities.” “He keeps to himself, drives me to town, drives me back, doesn’t complain and doesn’t fuss.” Nick was out of the apartment now, talking to the driver of the minivan who turned out to be a blonde man of similar age. Whatever it was they were discussing, Nick didn’t seem happy about it. “Has he mowed the lawn shirtless yet?” “No.” “Shame, I’m serious I want photos.” “Tori.” The blonde man opened the side door of the minivan and started unloading pet crates “And it’s fall, how many chances can I have before he stops mowing the lawn or it gets too cold?” Out of the van now came what looked like a carpet covered tree and a taller more obvious carpet covered cat furniture. Nick was shaking his head more now and point up to his apartment but the blonde kept pulling things from the van. Soon a few large black trashbags and a pail of litter as well as a blue plastic storage tub was hauled from the car. “You’re not even listening to me.” “Huh?” Epi’s attention snapped back to his phone call. “I asked if you have your office set up, you said you’d work on it today.” “I got some of the books away.” “You’re not living out of boxes are you?” Epi glanced to the dinning room and the boxes that were still neatly stacked. “No.” Tori only sighed. “You’re going to have to unpack sooner or later.” “I know, just they got the carpet up and the house was cleaned and they finished painting yesterday. I didn’t want to get everything out to just get dirty.”

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“And the hand rails in the bathroom?” “Installed as promised.” “Good.” Tori sighed. “It’s quiet here without you.” “What you’re missing is called conversation, something the fetus doesn’t provide.” “You’re just jealous because he gives better head than you.” Epi laughed. “You wish.” “Please, you’ve practically been married for the last eight years, you wouldn’t know a good bow job if it bit you.” He shook his head at his friend’s laughter but his eyes were watching as the blonde held up has hands in a manner of helpless surrender and moved back around to the drivers side door. Nick said something more but it didn’t stop the blonde from getting back in the minivan and backing out of the lane. “Hey, Tori?” Epi broke in to his friends ranting about one of the manicurists at work. “I need to go. Call you later?” “Okay, everything okay?” “Yeah fine, I just need to check on something.” “Okay, but call me.” “I will.” He agreed and hung up. He had to wheel back toward the wall to get his crutches to stand up. By the time he was on his feet Nick was pacing outside around the dumped off stuff and shaking his head. The screen door squeaked with a rusty spring whine as he pushed it open. “Hey.” He called out as he started down the long ramp off the porch. Nick held up his hand. “I promise it’ll only be for a few days.” “What’s going on?” He was almost to the end of the ramp when a loud protesting meow screeched out. “Danny said he could take them but his wife doesn’t want them around since they’re trying to have a baby. It’s a stupid excuse and bullshit given all Aunt Minnie did for him.” “I don’t understand.” “Cats.” Nick said the word like it explained everything. When Epi raised his eyebrows he sighed. “Aunt Minnie was soft hearted, she took in strays. Most she found homes for but this lot stuck around. Danny took them a couple of weeks ago but he says he can’t keep them. It’ll only be a couple of days, I promise, I’ll find a home for them.” Another unhappy mew drifted from the carriers. “How many are there?” “Six. They’re sort of bonded. I didn’t want to split them up. It’ll be a couple of days.” “You can’t put six cats in that tiny apartment.”

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“I’ll manage. They’re well behaved.” A pink nose poked at the metal grate and another cat hissed as if in protest to the well behaved comment. “Well, Delmar is a bitch but I can see why he’d be unhappy in the crate, he’s huge.” “They were your aunt’s?” “Yeah, I… yeah.” “So they were in the house before?” Large green eyes peered out from one of the crates. “If it’s only for a few days, you don’t mind do you? Cause you are my landlord.” It was kind of sweet that big, broad shouldered, rather withdrawn Nick was concerned with a bunch of homeless cats. “They don’t cause any trouble?” “No, none, other than talking all the time but that’s mostly Rum.” Epi glanced up to the small apartment over the garage and shook his head. “You can’t keep them up there.” “It won’t be for long. I’m just… kind of responsible for them. I promised Aunt Minnie I’d make sure they found a home if something happened to her.” Epi sighed. “Bring them into the house.” “What?” Nick blinked and was sure he’d heard wrong. “Bring them in. If they really are no bother and are used to the house, it’ll be easier for them to be there than in that little apartment. I’m not going to make you break a promise because of space. You’ll have to take care of them, I don’t know the first thing about cats.” “You’re serious.” “Well, yes. Why? Is it a bad idea?” “No! No, it’s…” He shook his head again. “Thank you. I’ll take care of them, you just let me in the house and I’ll see they’re fed and watered and clean their boxes every night. You won’t even know they’re there.” He bent down and caught the handle on the first crate. “You’re really sure?” “Bring them in, may as well bring their house things too.” “Wow… okay… thanks.” By the time Epi was back on the porch Nick had moved most the cats and their things into the house. The cat furniture still sat on the porch itself but everything else was stacked in his kitchen. “Where should I put things?” “Same place they were before?” “You sure?” Epi shrugged. “Makes sense but if I trip over one Tori will kill you and the cats.”

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That made Nick grin. “Fair enough. Give me a bit before setting them loose.” While Nick moved about the house, hauling carpet covered towers and plastic covered litter boxes, Epi just went back to his chair and dropped himself into it with a sigh. A black cat with a black nose and black whiskers and huge amber eyes starred out at him from the top crate. It opened it’s mouth to meow but no sound came out and Epi found himself frowning. “What’s wrong with the black one?” He asked when Nick came back. “Wrong?” “It tried to meow but nothing came out.” “Oh, Inkers almost never makes noise when he meows.” “And that’s normal?” Nick shrugged. “You sure about this?” “Yeah, why not.” He knew it was silly to feel bad for a bunch of cats made ownerless and homeless because of a death but he identified a little too much with the situation. “Alright.” Nick opened the first crate and pulled the coal black cat out. “This is Inkers, he’ll be in one of the cat trees all day.” He put the cat down and the creature instantly started to sniff around suspiciously. “Come here you…” Nick pulled out the second cat. “This one is Emp.” “Imp?” “No, Emp, EMP…” He pulled a black and white cat out. “Evil Mary Poppins, EMP or Emp. She’s a mouser but she’ll drool all over you if you hold her.” He set the crate aside and opened the next one. An orange blur darted out and disappeared. “That was Pumpkin he’s a bit of a spaz.” Nick had to reach in and pull out a calico. She mewed and cried the whole way and then stood all tense and unhappy in his arms. “I know, rude of us to shove you in a box.” Nick almost cooed as he stroked the annoyed cat. “Go on now.” He put her down and she mewed again. “Rum, Rumba but Rum for short, you look at her and she cries.” She glanced up at Epi and meowed loudly again. “Last crate…Sammy is the tortie, she’s shy you won’t see her much. Some asshole tossed her into a trash bag and dumped her at the end of the lane a year or so ago.” A pink nose peaked out before a cat that was a mix of black, orange and white slipped out and slinked away into the other room. She was followed by the largest, gray dustbunny Epi had ever seen. “Jesus, that’s not a cat.” Nick grinned happily and scooped the mammoth, fluffy creature up and it filled his arms. “Twenty five pounds of cat, this is Delmar. He was this tiny little scrawny thing when he was dumped off but he kept growing.” The big gray head butted into Nick’s chin when he stopped petting him. “Get down, fluffbutt.” He put the large cat down and it made a thud as paws hit the floor. “Delmar is like a dog, he’ll be at the door when you come home and will follow you around once he gets to know you.” Nick now fascinated him more than the cats. “You really care for them don’t you?” The other man shrugged. “They meant a lot to my aunt.” It was a cop out and Epi saw it. “Liar, it broke your heart to give those cats away.” “I wouldn’t go that far.”

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“I would.” Epi teased. “Big strapping boy like you, all mushy and soft over a pack of strays…” “Food and water are out, boxes are set up, I put the trees back in where they were. They should be good until tomorrow. I’ll make some calls around and see if I can find someone to take them.” He picked up the crates and moved them out onto the porch. “Thanks for doing this.” Epi stayed in his chair and didn’t feel up to dragging himself to his feet. “Welcome.” “Call me if they cause trouble or catch a mouse or something.” Nick said from the far side of the screen door. “Okay.” Epi nodded and stayed in place as Nick nodded back and awkwardly shuffled away from the porch. He watched the other man go and knew he should have invited him in for longer, if only to play with the cats he obviously cared about. He just wasn’t up to company. “Shit!” Epi startled back in the wheelchair as something large, gray and fluffy leapt into and filled his lap. He stared at the cat, the cat stared at him and he was certain he saw disdain and amused evil in the large green eyes. “Just, don’t kill me in my sleep.” Epi muttered and cautiously stroked a hand across the wide back. Delmar closed his eyes and softly began to purr. “Easily amused aren’t you, then again, if someone wanted to pet me anymore? I might just purr too.”

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Is Yet Chapter Seven

The cats added an interesting element to the house. They settled in with far more ease than Epi. After a good sniffing around at Epi, his furniture and boxes, they seemed to go back to their favorite spots. There was quickly cats sleeping on his sofa, their cat trees and windowsills. When he ate dinner in front of the tv several of cats came around to sit near him and Delmar begged for food with sad sounding mews. Epi just frowned at the gray fluffball and keep his attention on the news. He hauled himself upstairs sooner than later, sore and tired. Of all his boxes of books he’d opened only one, and had found his copy of Lady Chatterley’s Lover. It had been ages since he’d actually read it and for some reason thinking about Clifford returning from war bound to a wheelchair and unable to satisfy his wife seemed to suit his mood. It made him want to take the poor fellow out for a drink and share bitterness and misery. Instead he settled for climbing his slow way upstairs to curl up on his bed and read. He hobbled with a wince into his bedroom. His secondary wheelchair, the one that was a little heavier and

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bulkier, was upstairs and tonight he was going to be lazy. The bed creaked as he sat down on the edge and undid his pants. He laid down on the bed and wiggled out of them only to sit up in his underwear to see a cat staring at him. It was the calico, Rum, and she was watching him. “What’re you looking at?” She meowed at him and looked cute. Epi snorted and quickly got the knee brace off his right leg. It got placed on the night stand with the wrist brace when he pried that off too. He was supposed to sleep with it on but he liked a few hours with it off while he read. It still ached badly and he sighed as he rubbed it. The cat was still watching him. “Look out kitty, I’m going to really fall apart now.” He was getting good at getting the leg off and it still surprised him how much lighter his leg felt with it removed. The doctors had told him time and again that the artificial leg was quite a bit lighter than his real leg they’d removed but it didn’t feel that way. He hated how the fake leg looked, sitting with it’s fake foot in it’s normal shoe against his nightstand. “Horrible isn’t it?” Rum agreed with a mew. “That’s what I thought too.” He slipped off the cotton stump socks and put them aside to be able to unroll the silicone liner. It was becoming routine but as he wiped the liner down with a baby wipe the sight of his leg still shocked and disgusted him. “Gah.” He complained as he wiped the stump down with a baby wipe too. “Fucking thing.” Some days, he wasn’t even sure he wanted to touch it and just seeing the smaller end to his leg and the lack of flesh and foot made his stomach clench up and his chest hurt. “blah.” Epi moved from the bed into the wheelchair with a sigh, his leg and wrist sore, his hips hurting, his back aching. A year ago such pains would have had him complaining but he was used to them now. He wheeled himself out of the room and down to the bathroom where he brushed his teeth and got ready for bed. As he wheeled back to his room an orange cat ran full speed down the hall to one of the empty rooms he wasn’t sure what he was going to do with. “Psycho.” Rum was still sitting in the bedroom when he came back. She looked at him, he looked at her and Epi shook his head. “Stupid cats. I hate pets, you know that right?” She meowed agreement. “So long as that’s clear.” He groaned as he dragged himself back onto the bed. Ungracefully, he flopped down on his side of the bed and dragged the book along with him. He was barely a few lines into it before Rum joined him and meowed at him some more. “What?” He questioned but she just mewed back at him. “Stupid cat.” He repeated but she didn’t hold it against him. Instead she stepped on him until she could curl up tight against him to purr softly as he read. It didn’t take long to shut the book and put it on the nightstand. “I forgot my glasses downstairs.” He sighed to the cat who just mew talked back at him. “Last thing I need is a pounding headache to go with everything else that hurts.” Epi complained as he flicked out the light. “Shoo now, I’m going to sleep.” Rolling over and flapping the blankets a little did little to scare off the cat. At best, his efforts made the fuzzy creature move to curl up around his foot. He sighed as the warm little body curled against him again. “Fine, whatever, no puking up a hairball on the bed.” It took some more wiggling to get into a position that didn’t make everything hurt. Once that spot was found, he

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soon fell asleep. Epi woke up the next morning warm and snuggled in bed. Little lumpy bodies were pressed against him and when he opened his eyes large green ones lazily met his own. He mumbled sleepily and Delmar yawned, showing off an impressive amount of sharp pointy teeth. Cautiously, he lifted his head and saw not one or two feline bodies but all six curled up and sprawled out on the bed. Even Pumpkin and Sammy were curled up on the bed if not confident enough to actually sleep against him. It would have been cute if he could swear they weren’t conducting surveillance missions while plotting his destruction. He flopped back down on his pillow and Delmar promptly came over and licked the tip of his nose while purring happily. That set off a few small meows and more purring from different parts of the bed even after Epi pushed the cat away from his face. “Cats. What the hell am I doing?”

“Have I mentioned I hate rehab?” Epi complained as he dragged himself back into Nick’s car. “Only every time we go.” He put the forearm crutches in the backseat and moved around to the driver’s side. “Well it remains true.” It was Wednesday and he’d been in his new house with his new therapy people for over a week. So far he hadn’t fallen down the steps or tripped over a cat and Nick showed no signs of regretting his agreement no matter how much he bitched. “Tori will be up next Friday. Told him not to come but he doesn’t listen.” “He’s worried about you.” “Hm.” He set his head back against the seat and shut his eyes as the car started to move. They were out of the town and on to back roads that rolled around the softly mounded foothills and in and out of shadow and light as they passed trees and cornfields before Nick spoke. “I might have found someone to take a couple of the cats.” “Oh.” Epi opened his eyes and glanced over but Nick was keeping an eye on the road. He had almost forgotten that Nick was trying to find homes for his unexpected houseguests. “But not all of them?” “They don’t have space for all of them. I’ve called the no-kill shelter but they’re full up but for emergencies.” “Thought you didn’t want to split them up?” Nick shrugged. “Split them up or have them go to a kill shelter?” “Huh.” Epi wondered which of the two would be taken and found even the thought of the shy Sammy and the skittish Pumpkin not being in the house felt odd. “Well…they’re really no bother to me. It’s not like I’m taking care of them, you’re doing that and people come in and vacuum for me. I don’t see why it’s a rush to split them up.” They drove on in silence for a distance. “Won’t be easy to find someone to take all of them.” “I know.”

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“You might be stuck with them for a while.” Epi shrugged. There was no way he was going to admit it but it was nice to have something else alive in the house. He liked waking up to other warm bodies in bed with him. Most of all he wasn’t going to admit that he liked the fact that the cats made Nick come into the house everyday even if only for a short time. As much as he was enjoying his solitude, the house felt horribly empty. Before he could think of how to say he didn’t mind of the cats had to stay longer, movement on the side of the road caught his eye. From the far bank something brown and long legged moved and before Epi’s mind had a chance to understand what he was seeing, Nick was slamming on the brakes. The car skidded a little and they lurched forward as Nick steered them a bit toward the shoulder. The slender deer stood on the yellow lines, spooked and unsure which way to go but Nick’s driving and care saw to it they were safely away from the beautiful animal. With a few long leaps the animal finished crossing the road in front of them and was quickly followed by two more deer that darted across the road. “Look, there’s a bunch more down in the field. We caught the end of the herd.” Nick pointed out Epi’s window. Epi didn’t turn to look out the window and when Nick glanced from the deer to the man he understood why. The slender fingers were clawed into the armrests of the car, he was white as a ghost, eyes too wide and breathing too hard. “Hey, you okay?” Epi didn’t even blink. “No harm done, been avoiding hitting deer my whole life.” Again, Epi didn’t even move but his breathing was growing shorter, more desperate. “Let’s get home.” Nick put the car in gear and started to roll slowly forward to get them off of the wide shoulder. They only made it an inch before Epi went from non-responsive to very much responsive. “No! NO!” He shouted and clawed at his seatbelt but it wasn’t clear to Nick if he was trying to put it on or take it off. “NO! God stop the car! STOP IT!” Epi screamed. The frantic cries and clawing panicked motions startled Nick more than the deer had. He eased the car as far off the road as far as he could and put it in park. Almost before the car was stopped Epi was pulling his door open and falling out of the car. “Shit.” Nick hissed as he saw Epi try to stand and instantly fall hard to the ground. He put the four ways on and turned the engine off as fast as he could and quickly climbed out of the car. When he rounded the hood, Epi wasn’t on the ground by the open car door but had fallen down the low bank to where the fallow field started. He approached the other man carefully since he’d never seen anyone so frightened before in his life. Epi had obviously fallen down the low bank, his clothes were grass stained and his skin was scratched up but he had half sat up when he landed. His fingers dug into the solid and very much unmoving ground but his eyes continued to stare off at nothing while he struggled to breathe. “I have one of your anxiety pills, do you want it?” Nick dug the small pill from his pocket. Epi managed to nod agreement but it took a force of will to let go of the grass below him. The pill was tiny in his hand but it was effective and he had grown to count on that. “I don’t have any water.” He didn’t need water. Epi tossed the small pill into his mouth and swallowed it dry. He was having trouble breathing but was struggling for control. He hated that this was happening where Nick could see but he just couldn’t stop.

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“Just…just need a minute.” “Take your time.” Nick answered steadily. “Nice day to sit out by a field anyway.” The causal tone that made it sound like their sitting on the side of the road was some planned outing made Epi laugh in panicked mockery. “I try. God…I can’t breathe…I…I’m sorry…” “Don’t be.” They sat together on the side of the road for a good fifteen minutes while Epi struggled to breathe and calm down. Nick picked at grass strands and occasionally pointed out different birds that flew over, identifying them in a steady voice as a hawk or swallow but otherwise staying silent. Finally Epi drew one long slow breath and let go of the grass. “Okay. We can go but you’re going to have to go slow…I…” “It’s okay.” Nick nodded. “You hurt?” His hands were dirty and scratched up. “No.” They were shaking too, badly so and the idea of getting up and getting back into the car terrified him. “I don’t know how I’ll make it back up this bank. It’s easier to fall down things than go up them.” He was going to be bruised, he could already feel the tender spots on his shoulder and hip from where he’d first landed. “Well.” Nick stood up and offered a hand to help Epi get to his feet. The hand that slipped into his own was cold and shaking so he bent down and got his other hand under that arm’s elbow. With a good tug and Epi pushing off from the ground they got the other man standing. “It’s like four feet. Worst case I just pick you up and haul you up there.” “Why not, isn’t like I have any dignity left.” “Let’s try this first.” Nick moved to stand behind Epi, one hand under the man’s elbow and one on his waist. “I won’t let you fall.” Epi almost snapped back that Nick was insane. The few feet of incline on an unstable surface was laughably easy for someone with two good legs to navigate but it may as well have been a vertical climb for Epi. He had neither the balance nor the skill to manage it even with the crutches and it was crazy to think he could go up it on his feet with a little help. The only reason he didn’t snap something sarcastic was because he knew he couldn’t have it both ways. He couldn’t bitch about not having any dignity left when he was unwilling to try to reclaim some. “Okay.” He nodded and felt too exhausted from panic and fear and too drugged from the pill to really be sure he could make it. “Okay.” Carefully, Epi took the first very small step. With a wince and Nick’s steadying hands he climbed upward an inch. It took a lot of focus but he managed another step and another inch. When he was nearly to the top Epi slipped. His feet darted backward and he felt himself falling forward. Part of his mind braced to hit the ground again but he didn’t fall. A strong hand clamped over his left upper arm and another one slipped around his waist. Instead of falling hard he only slipped a few inches before being steadied and righted. He shook from the effort of staying on his feet and the struggle to find his balance as Nick stepped closer and braced him with his own strength. Epi had long since gotten used to other people moving his body, working his limbs, poking at wounds, doing far less dignified things to him. He had slipped into the mindset of acceptance that anyone chronically ill or long term injured has to have where being supported and hauled about like a child meant little. It was just another example of all he’d lost in such a short time and

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normally he barely even noticed it. Not noticing was about a million miles from where Epi found himself. His feet slipped again and this time his back thumped into Nick’s chest. He became far too aware of the contact. Nick’s hand on his arm was supportive without being painful, the arm around his waist could have been very clinical but it was still a strong, masculine arm around his waist. The chest he leaned against was strong and the shoulders were broad. The scent of Nick’s very simple and very much non-designer cologne combined with his shampoo and just the scent of clean, vital male and made Epi’s head spin. He’d been celibate from misery and pain for a year and had forgotten in some corner of his mind how good another man could feel pressed to his body. It didn’t matter that Nick was his caretaker and straight, he was very much male. Epi wanted to curl up against that strength and let it carry him the final few small steps like some damsel in distress. He suddenly wanted to turn and cling to the strong shoulders and just hold on. It wasn’t just about the sexual thrill of being held so close for the first time in so long. It ran deeper and he craved physical contact like he’d had before, back when he was normal. “You okay?”

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Is Yet Chapter Eight

Nick’s voice rumbled out and over Epi. It sounded close and intimate. He reminded himself that he wasn’t that man anymore and wasn’t going to be that man ever again. He was broken, torn apart and disgusted even himself. Worse, he was shivering in small weak lust over a straight man. “Yeah.” He straightened a little but pulling his pride and cold distance around himself felt sharp and brittle. Without another word and only a small groan of pain, he managed the last few steps to the level side of the road by the car. “You up for this?” Nick asked as he held the passenger car door open. “I’m fine.” Epi lied but he forced himself to get back into the car. The passenger side door was still open when Nick climbed back behind the wheel. Epi hadn’t moved, he sat tense with his back several inches from the seat back and his eyes looking straight ahead. “Close the door when you’re ready.” “I’m fine.” Epi snapped back and to prove it he shut the car door, slid back in the seat and quickly pulled the seat belt over his body. Nick’s eyes drifted down to where the seatbelt had clicked into place. Epi still held onto it. His

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hand covered the release button. It left Nick unsure if he was trying to hold the seatbelt in place or prepare to quickly remove it and flee from the car again. Without a word or comment he slowly pulled them back out onto the road. They drove slowly but still every curve or small rise to the road made Epi’s breath startle. Nick was careful, he stayed at a reasonable speed, slowed down early for turns, drove with great car to have nothing be sudden or jarring and still Epi sat wide eyed and frightened. He pulled into their lane carefully but still the rocking motion of going from paved road to gravel drew a small unhappy sound close to a gasp from Epi. “Back home.” He said when the car had been parked but Epi continued to clutch at his seatbelt. It took a second for Epi to find his voice but when he did it was steadier than he expected. “Tori told you I might flip out in the car.” He jangled the keys in his hand a little. “Yeah.” “We…” Epi drew a breath but if he didn’t say it he thought his head might explode. “We went off the road, hit a tree down an embankment. It was a little after eight at night and no one found us until after six the next morning. Even after that they took almost four hours to get me out. I…they had to bring a surgeon in… and…Jesus I don’t normally talk about this.” “They brought in a surgeon?” Nick questioned carefully, unsure if Epi wanted to be asked or not. “He cut my leg off right there. I was awake, well as awake as I could be with morphine and shock. I remember it though. I kept telling them they were making a mistake that I could move my toes and one of the medics had to tell me that it was impossible. That my toes on that foot were gone.” He groaned a little and ran his hands over his face. “I just still have trouble with cars.” “Understandably.” Epi glanced over and saw nothing of sympathy or pity in the steady face beside him. “I’m tired. I’m going to go in and take a nap. Fucking rehab wears me out.” “Okay. I’ll be over later to take care of the cats.” All he could muster was a nod. By the time he had his seatbelt off and the door open Nick had gotten his crutches from the back seat and had them waiting. “Thank you.” “You going to make it?” “I’m fine.” Epi answered and started his long walk back into the house.

It was close to dark when a car rolled up the gravel lane and Epi, nosy and restless, went to the back windows to see who it was. It wasn’t a car he knew and the man that climbed out of the front seat wasn’t a face he’d seen before. He was handsome, in a go Army, football, straight boy kind of way and he hurried around the front of the car to open the side door. In one hand he juggled a pizza box and in the other he hefted a case of beer. Nick’s apartment door opened and he grinned at the sight. “Hey.” He called out as he started down his stairs. The new arrival held the food and beer out on open arms. “Who loves you?”

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That made Nick chuckle and say something Epi couldn’t hear but he waved to his apartment and the other man nodded and went to go up. Nick didn’t pause, he started toward the house with long confident steps. Epi hurried to moved from the window, not wanting to really be caught spying like some gossipy old man. As he always did, Nick knocked on the screen door before he opened it. “Hey!” He shouted and movement in the kitchen caught his eye. “Oh, didn’t see you. Just coming in to feed the cats.” Delmar had come running at hearing his voice and now sat in the door way like he didn’t care. “You’ve plans?” Epi asked casually as he pretended to look over a yogurt for an expiration date. “Yeah, just a friend.” He scooped the big cat up. “I’ll be gone in a second.” It wasn’t a lie. Nick often lingered after taking care of the cats to make sure Epi didn’t need something or, sometimes, just to linger but tonight he hurried to do what he had to and quickly finished. “See you tomorrow.” “Hm.” Epi grunted back as Nick hurried out. He watched from the window as the other man darted across the yard and took his steps two at a time. “Show off.”

“Tori still coming up today?” Nick asked as he placed the now refilled water bowl back on the kitchen floor. Epi had been unusually silent as he moved about and checked on the cats. “Yeah, he said he should be here in time to take me to rehab so you won’t have to.” He nodded. “Well, if he’s late, call and I’ll run you in.” “Nick…” “Yeah?” “Never mind.” “What?” Epi sighed. “I was going to ask, if you’re not busy, if you’d help me put some books on the shelves. Tori’s going to bitch me out for not being more unpacked so I thought if I at least got the books done…” He had work to get done but that could be finished during the afternoon since he wasn’t taking Epi into town. “Sure.” He agreed good naturedly, knowing how difficult it must have been for the other man to ask for help in the first place. “Thanks, I have a lot of books.” “You’re putting them in the library?” “Yeah.” He made his careful way around cats and boxes back into the house, Nick following close behind. “Tori is going to freak when he sees how little I’ve unpacked.” “It isn’t Tori’s house.” That made Epi snort and nod his head. “He’ll view it as a sign that I’m not taking care of myself and go all fussy.” He pushed the library door open and the boxes of books were neatly stacked in the center of the room. His simple desk had been placed against a wall and he’d put together his

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computer but so far had barely turned it on. “I got some of the books on the lower shelves…” Nick nodded and reached into the open box, surprised at how well the books were packed and how many had been inside. “You did a good job packing them.” “Wasn’t me….here these are research they should go up there because I don’t use those that often… Tori packed everything up, or had someone pack it up. I was still in a medically induced coma at the time and isn’t that a thing to say. Gee Epi, why’d you miss the class reunion? Well, Biff I was in a medically induced coma, better than a fucking vacation.” He chuckled and slipped the books onto their shelf. “Should market that to workaholics.” “Can’t get away from your office? Can’t stand to leave your crackberry turned off? Try a medically induced coma today!” Epi snorted and hauled out another handful of books but Nick took them from him and stretched to place them on the high shelf. “Just sit down and tell me where to put them. This isn’t hard. Jacob Miller? The man that built this house, he left most of his books in here when Aunt Minnie and Uncle Jonas bought the place. She used it as a sewing room. I kept some of the books, the older or more unusual ones but the rest got sold at the sale. It’ll be odd seeing new ones on the shelves.” “Must be odd for you to see someone else here, repainting and pulling up carpet…” Nick shrugged. “Did you want me to replace those cracked windows before it gets chilly?” “You can do that?” “Not hard.” He opened a new box and it seemed to be fiction, he held a handful up. “That shelf there and it seems like it would be hard.” “With those panes? Easy to do.” Epi found himself watching as Nick bent down to pick books from boxes and stretch up to put them on shelves. His shirt bunched around his arms, rode up a little at his waist to flash little bits of skin. It hadn’t been his intention to treat the other man as eye candy but he was. “Well, if it wouldn’t be difficult….” “I don’t mind. I like fixing things up. Aunt Minnie didn’t let me do much, didn’t want to admit she needed the help.” Epi just nodded and let silence settle around them. Nick made amazing progress through the books. What would have taken him forever to do he just plowed through. It was another reminder of how much balance and stability Epi had lost, bending over, stretching up, repeating the motion over and over would have made him fall. All too soon they were down to one box. “You can leave that one.” “It’s no bother.” “Really, it’s okay, I’m thinking of keeping those boxed up.” “Why?” Nick pulled the box open. “Don’t!” Epi protested but it was too late. “Damn it, I don’t want to see those.”

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“Why not, you wrote them.” He turned a copy of the Long Fall in Spanish over in his hands. “You should display them.” “You knew?” “That you’re a writer?” Epi nodded. “I looked your name up.” “Was a writer.” Without being asked, Nick was unloading that last box onto it’s own shelf. “I used to like to get a copy of each version as it came into print. Just feels like they’re mocking me now.” “You’ll write again when you’re ready. What’s the S stand for?” “What?” He held a cover up. “By S. Epitome Whitmore, what’s the S for?” “The S is for my parents were high when they named me and it’s bad because I prefer a name like Epitome over my first name.” “It can’t be that bad.” “No it is, and worse.” “Tori will tell me.” “He will not!” “What do your parents call you?” “Epi.” “What do they call you when they’re mad at you?” “They don’t believe in being angry with children.” “Huh, wish my folks had thought that. Would have saved me a world of grief. There, all done.” He glanced around the room and started breaking down boxes. “Will it be enough?” “I hope so. He’s already thinking I’ve half lost my mind because of the cats.” “I can take them while he’s visiting if you like.” “No, it’s fine. Delmar wouldn’t forgive either of us if he’s denied his sunny windowsill.” He straightened the crutches a little. “Thanks, for helping me get the rest of them up.” “Welcome. I’m going out, doubt I’ll be back tonight.” Epi raised his eyebrows. “Hot date?” “Just a friend.” “Well, have fun in any case.”

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“I will, say hello to Tori for me, tell him, see I didn’t break you since he left.” “I’m not that fragile.” Nick just grinned.

Next Chapter Story Home Home

Is Yet Chapter Nine

“Sweetie!” Tori shouted as he climbed out of his car. “Did you miss me?” “How can I miss you, we talk everyday.” “See? This is why no one likes you.” He pulled the small overnight bag from the backseat and hurried up the porch steps. “You look better than I feared.” “How much trouble can I get into in a few weeks?” Tori just raised his eyebrows. “Lets see these cats you talk of, do we have time before rehab?” “Enough, yeah, come in…” He held the door and let Tori go in ahead of him. “And no bitching about the boxes, I’m working on it.” “Again… reason number one why people don’t like you. I missed you too. Oh this paint looks nice and so glad that ugly carpet is gone!” Rehab was better than normal because of having company. Jamie was pleased to show off his progress and talk about Epi like some prized show animal. He tolerated it mostly because he wasn’t actually being worked and that was fine by him. When they were finished Tori took him to dinner and back home. “We’re going to have too many walnuts. Nick says the tree there by the lane is black walnuts but those back there on the other side of the out buildings are English. He’s going to pick them up for me and put them in a box. Says they have to cure or something before I should crack them…or something.” Epi finally said as they sat on the porch swing watching nothing more than birds and clouds close to dark. “Mr. Hot Stuff would know…speaking of which, where is he?” “Hot date or something, I think he feels guilty about going out and leaving poor little crippled me all alone.”

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“I bet she’s a cheerleader.” “A blonde cheerleader.” Epi added. “Ew with pom poms.” That made Epi snicker and soon Tori was laughing along. “You seem…I don’t know… more at ease here.” “I guess I am.” “Must do you good not to have me babying you every five seconds.” “Tori…it isn’t that…it’s just…” “Hush I know. You were a pain in my ass too. I’m just saying you’re more like yourself than you have been in a long time and if solitude in bumfuck does that for you, it’s a good thing. Even if you’re covered in cat hair now.” He tossed an arm around Epi’s shoulder and didn’t worry about walnuts or if they needed to be cured, he was only concerned with the country air curing his friend.

Sunday morning Epi found the house oddly empty feeling again. Tori had left late Saturday and Nick’s car wasn’t in the lane. He puttered about the house, made coffee, found he didn’t want it and tossed it out to make tea. EMP sat and watched him. “Evil kitty… evil….” He spoke just to have some noise in the house. “I know I should try…it’s just not easy, you know? You wouldn’t, you’re a cat.” Epi gave in and plunked himself down into the wheelchair to be able to take his tea with him into the library. It was a slow progress, he’d learned to be very careful with hot drinks and food. There was no way he could balance, walk, juggle food and crutches at the same time but he’d learned that even with the wheelchair he still sometimes burned himself. Slow it was but he got into the library unharmed and the mug of tea easily slipped onto the desk. With a groan he got to his feet long enough to transfer himself to his desk chair but he propped crutches and chair together within easy reach. The computer took a long time to boot up and he wondered if maybe it had died during the move. Some small part of him hoped it had, he’d have the excuse then not to try, at least for a little longer. He wasn’t so lucky, it booted up after the pause and soon a blank word processing screen was blinking at him. It was still blank and blinking at him ages later when he heard Nick’s car roll up the lane. That seemed like the perfect excuse to stop torturing himself so he quickly shut the computer down and grabbed his crutches. He made it to the kitchen door in time to see Nick at the top of his steps, wearing nice fitting blue jeans and a button down shirt with a tie. It took Epi a moment to understand that the more formal clothes combined with being missing on a Sunday morning meant the man had gone to church. He hated his tendency to lurk about the doors and windows and watch the other man’s life. It seemed foolish and childish but he still did it. This time he soothed his ego by going outside and starting the long way down the ramp. His theory was that he was supposed to keep trying to walk on uneven ground and he really wanted to see some of the plants closer up. If the upside was that he was outside and easy to talk with if Nick returned, well that was pure chance.

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He was at the end of the ramp when the door over the garage opened. Nick had changed into older, looser jeans and a t-shirt that stretched tight over his shoulders. There was no way Epi could force himself not to gawk for a moment longer than was decent. He liked shoulders, and strong arms, and the shirt seemed made to accent the squared strength of Nick’s body. He shook his head. “Be real Epi…stupid fool.” He whispered and glanced back to the ground as he carefully picked his way across the yard. He deliberately ignored the sound of Nick on his steps as he moved easily and quickly down and he didn’t turn to see where the other man had gone. He was navigating a particularly rough patch by the side of the house when a loud hammer bang made him jump. His knee locked, his fake foot caught on a root and Epi felt his balance spin out of control. He staggered but his balance was gone and soon fell hard to the grass. There was no instant cussing, no frustrated anger, he just hit the ground braced for it to hurt and grunted a little as pain lit up in his body. Before he could wrangle his body into moving and try to get back to sitting up, strong hands closed on his shoulders and gently moved him. “You okay? Are you hurt?” Nick asked as he moved the crutches out from under the fallen body. “I’m fine.” Epi answered stubbornly. He was going to have bruises from where he’d fallen on the metal but he was used to that too. “You jumped like one of the cats, sorry about that, didn’t think it would startle you so. Nothing broken?” “I’m fine.” He started to bunch his body up close, knowing that to get up from the ground he had to have his butt as close to his legs as possible so when he pushed up with his arms his right leg had as little distance to lift him as possible. Epi didn’t make it that far, as soon as he started to try to stand, Nick had a steady grip on his arm and back and helped. Unlike most people, Nick didn’t just yank him to his feet. The hands steadied him and gave Epi something to hold on to but Epi got to his feet by his own strength. He clung to Nick’s arm an extra moment as he found his balance and got the crutches safely under him. “Thanks.” “Welcome.” The t-shirt looked even more strained over shoulders up close and if Epi hadn’t had some pride left he might have faked falling again just to be able to tumble against the strong chest. Fortunately, he had more pride than to grope a straight guy just for a cheap thrill. “I’m okay.” He finally announced and the strong hands left him. Nick went right back to where he’d been working on the long zig zagging wood ramp. Epi watched as he took up the hammer again and smacked at the side rail. With a few pounds the side came off. “What are you doing?” Epi asked, almost shocked to see the other man disassembling his main means of going from porch to ground. “You don’t need such a low grade. Aunt Minnie was frail as could be but you aren’t. It takes too long to go down this thing at such a low grade. It’ll be steeper but not bad and none of this switchbacking. Think I can get it down to a few dozen steps, it’ll let you come down easier.” He paused with the hammer in hand. “Unless you don’t want me to?” “I…” He glanced at all the wasted length and thought about how annoying it was to go back and

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forth to get from the porch to the yard. “Sure you won’t be missing Sunday dinner or something?” “I don’t go to that much anymore.” “Let me get up it before you rip it apart. You can have it done today right?” “Couple hours.” “I’ll make sandwiches, you like chicken salad?” “Thanks.” Nick nodded and let Epi get a good halfway up the ramp before he started knocking it apart again. By the time Epi had sandwiches made and lemonade poured and everything out on the picnic table on the porch, Nick had most of the ramp knocked apart. He was prying off some of the last floor boards when Epi returned with a bag of potato chips. “Hungry?” Nick glanced up and put the hammer and wood down. “Yeah.” “Sorry I don’t really cook.” He shrugged. “Mind if I go in to wash up?” “Oh no, go ahead.” “Thanks.” They ate in awkward silence and Epi wasn’t sure what to say to change it. “Tori get home safe?” “Yeah, it was late but he made it. There was an accident outside of DC on 95, traffic was backed up for miles.” “Huh.” Nick swallowed a few more bites. “You going to want the leaves raked up or left? They’ll be down in a couple of weeks.” “I don’t know I haven’t thought of it. Will it hurt anything to leave them?” “Naw, I’ll just mow over them come spring.” “Leave them.” “You really have lived in a city your whole life.” “Mostly, yes.” Nick shook his head. “It drove me nuts. When’s your new leg supposed to be in?” “A week or so, the socket has to be custom molded.” He’d called the man Jamie had recommended and liked the staff at his office better than the referral he’d brought with him. When he met the man, someone else on a fake leg, he’d had them cast him for the new socket that day. “This doesn’t bother you at all does it?” “What?”

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“The whole lost leg, gross looking stump thing.” “Should it?” “It freaks me the hell out.” Nick shrugged. “Is just a thing. I think the technology is pretty neat. Freaks people out because they don’t want to think that it could happen to them.” “Grosses me out.” “I’d think it’d be quite a lot to get used to.” Epi just snorted and finished his sandwich.

Before the afternoon progressed too far the old ramp supports were quickly dug out and soon Epi found himself sitting on the porch just watching. Nick moved silently but securely. He leveled things, checked grades, dug new holes for new posts and resized everything. More tools where broken out from saws to drills and before Epi’s eyes a new ramp was built. The grade was steeper but not impossible and it would cut down on how far he had to go get off the porch. “Hand rails will have to wait, I’ve got to tear them all apart and get some fresh wood for it. But this will work.” “Huh. Thanks.” Nick nodded. “I…look some of the guys from town get together sometimes, I was going to go over. You wouldn’t want to go would you?” “Would I be welcome?” “Everyone is, people are mighty wondering about you.” “Should I change?” “I’m not. It’s nothing fancy.” Nick was sweaty still and had bits of saw dust stuck to his jeans. If he could go out like that Epi wasn’t going to worry about his casual clothes. “Yeah, I’ll go.” As he made his slow way down the new ramp, Nick watched him carefully. “Wasn’t sure it was going to hold me?” “Wasn’t sure you wouldn’t tumble over the edge.” “Give me a few more tries at it.” He grumbled but Nick grinned and moved to the car. There was no offer to help him in and Epi found he liked that, liked being considered normal enough to open his own door and juggle his own crutches. “This isn’t much, just so you know.” “Okay.” “Just a bunch of folks from the town.” “Okay.”

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“We won’t stay long.” “Are you trying to talk me out of going along?” “No…no…” Nick shoved the keys into place and glance over. “It’s just, it’s a bunch of Dutchmen, we’re kind of an acquired taste.”

Next Chapter Story Home Home

Is Yet Chapter Ten

“I think I can deal.” “Okay.” The car rolled out the lane and slowly into the small town. “Is it wrong that I haven’t even really been in town yet?” Nick glanced over. “You haven’t even seen most of your own property yet.” “True. Hiking about has been taken off my to do list.” “There are plenty of folks without a leg that, like, run marathons.” It was a debate Epi didn’t want to have. “I won’t be one of them. I didn’t run before and I sure as hell don’t need to go running for endless miles now in some misguided effort to prove I’m as good as someone with two legs. I’m not, so why be stupid about it?” Nick ignored the snippy response and turned off into an alley between two houses. Back he drove to a decent sized old barn that sat behind one of the houses. There were other cars parked there and a truck as well but it looked like someone’s backyard. Nick pulled in beside one of the cars and didn’t bother to roll up his window or lock his door. “This isn’t some odd, new guy in town, hazing thing is it?” “Huh? No. Old fellows used to meet down at the post office but they’ve all pretty much passed away. Doesn’t mean they won’t give you a hard time.” “Lovely.” He suddenly wondered why he’d agreed to go along but when he glanced up and saw Nick waiting for him he knew why. He was lonely and missed even Tori’s smothering nagging. The small daily interactions with Nick had become something he valued.

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“Coming?” “Yeah.” The door was an old steel office door, heavy and painted with a fresh coat of white paint to make it look newer. Nick pulled it open easily and the background noise of people and life spilled out into the afternoon sunshine. He nodded to someone inside. “Hey.” He greeted but no one inside greeted back. Nick held the door so Epi wouldn’t have to struggle with the heavy weight. Whatever Epi had in mind, it wasn’t what he found. The room had obviously been a garage bay at one point but it had been drywalled off from the rest of the barn. The floor below was cement, with old oil stains peeking out from rugs that had just as obviously been cast out of the various men’s homes. There was an old fridge humming to itself in the one corner, a beer tap protruded from one side betraying the keg cooling inside. The furniture was an odd hodgepodge of old recliners and cast off kitchen chairs, an old kitchen table. Nothing matched and everything felt like it had been banished from living rooms by wives set on redecorating. A mounted deer head hung from one wall, a dart board from another. Along a shelf sat a radio that had to be as old as Epi was himself and from it dribbled out bluegrass music. A half dozen men sat around, most in blue jeans and t-shirts. The oldest was white haired with a white beard and in that undetermined age past fifty five but before age stole all vitality. The majority looked in their fifties, one was obviously in his forties but it easily made Epi and Nick the youngest. Three of the men sat playing cards, two were sitting in worn out chairs watching and all of them had clear plastic cups of draft beer at hand. They all stopped and stared. “Epi looked like he needed a beer. Brought him along.” Looks were exchanged but none of the men said anything. Epi felt like he’d been caught doing something wrong and wondered if he should turn around and leave. “Epi, that’s John, Jack, Snuffy, Buzz, Tom, and my dad, Jim. Everyone, this is the guy that bought Aunt Millie’s place.” “Nice to meet you.” Steady, distant eyes kept watching him. “I hope you all don’t mind, Nick said it was okay…” “Nick must be a special friend, he talks about you.” The one called Buzz, sitting off by himself watching the card game said with a wicked grin that crept on his face. “Right special friend.” “Is he your special friend Nick?” Jack picked up the teasing. It was a tone Epi was used to. He’d never really been in so he couldn’t say he’d ever come out but he’d never once hidden his sexuality. It just seemed cruel to mock Nick for it. “There was a mistake, I’ll go. Nick can you take me home?” “Knock it off.” Nick muttered, blushing a little. His eyes darted to where his father sat studying the cards he was holding. He worked his wallet out and pulled a five dollar bill out. It dropped with long practice into an open cigar box before he moved to draw two clear plastic cups of beer from the tap that stuck from the side of the fridge. “They don’t mean anything by it.” Nick explained as he handed one of the cups to Epi and motioned to the array of empty chairs. “Just giving you a hard time.” Buzz tossed out in way of apology. “Don’t mean to run you off with it. Takes all sorts.” There was a painfully long drawn out silence as the men sat and sipped at beer and played

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cards. Epi was acutely aware of it, if he could have walked home he would have and for the first time he really hated that he didn’t drive. Nick didn’t seem to notice it, he sank into the chair he’d claimed and his shoulder’s relaxed. “Get that ramp torn up?” His father, Jim finally asked. “Yeah.” “Get it done?” “Just abouts.” Silence fell again and Epi sipped at his beer, feeling it go right to his head. “Henry’s back in the hospital.” Tom spoke up as he stood to get another beer. “Again?” “Blood sugar was up above four hundred when they tested it.” Several of the men whistled and shook their heads. “That’s what killed his brother, he should have laid off the sugar cakes.” There were grunts of agreement and silence returned. It took another spurt or two of conversation for it to occur to Epi that the long silences weren’t because of him. Everything made it seem like that was just how they were and it made sense. Nick too was quiet more than not, keeping his thoughts to himself and his silences long only it seemed so much louder when amplified by so many other men. “Did you see Dick’s fence?” “Yeah, he says some kids drove right through it.” Off and on spurts of gossip and town news came out. It was slow and painful and Epi felt like he was watching some bizarre slow motion train wreck. If he’d been in a comedy movie the long silences and random tidbits would have been painfully funny. Only it was simply painful without the context of a movie. “You from Washington?” One of the men finally asked Epi directly only he said the name like it had an r in it, Warshington and it took Epi’s mind a second to both translate it and understand he was being spoken to. “Just outside of it, Northern Virginia.” “Traffic bad down there, Bill got caught in it going to Florida, sat for three hours on 95.” “It can be.” “You liking it up here?” He felt eyes on him, Nick’s most of all. “So far. It’s quiet.” “Must be, odd having a famous writer in town. We had a bluegrass singer living outside of town a few years back.” “I’m not…I’m not really, I’ve just been lucky and that was a while ago.”

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“He’s nine books out.” Nick provided. “Nine! Geesh!” Epi guessed it would be impressive to men that most likely hadn’t read nine books between them in the last year. “What’re they about?” “Last couple were about the civil war. I like history.” “Should introduce you to Denny Glatfeller, he’s a historian. Was dean at Gettysburg college for a while, ask Jim or Nick he’s their uncle.” “Great uncle by marriage.” Nick explained. “I’d like that. I was a history and English major but I’m not anything close to being an historian.” The answer seemed to satisfy everyone and silence returned again. Epi nursed his beer and Nick finished his and one more. The men around them continued to have long silences broken with bits of town and family gossip as they played cards and sat in contented comfort. It was bizarre but other than Nick’s father occasionally tossing Epi some cold looks no one else teased about him being gay, or even about his being an outsider. “Well,” Nick sat forward and finished the last swallows. “We should be going.” It took a bit for the plastic cups to be thrown out and a few good byes to be said. Nick spoke briefly with his father about a family matter but Epi was too busy trying to stand and not fall on his face to care what Nick’s sister was planning. Nick got the heavy door open for him and Epi moved quickly to get into the car. “That was bordering on cruel.” “What?” Nick asked as he climbed into the driver’s seat. “That!” He waved with one hand as he adjusted the crutches between his legs. “You could have warned me they’d hate me. Just tell me if it’s because I’m an outsider or because I’m gay.” “They liked you.” “They barely said a dozen words for an hour.” That made Nick grin. “They’re Penn Dutch, if they hadn’t liked you they’d have stayed silent the whole time. Just be glad Dad was there or they’d have been worse about the gay thing.” “You mean that’s how they are normally? All silent but…” “Gossipy like women? Pretty much.” He pulled the car out of the small lane back onto the main road. “I warned you, Penn Dutch men take a little getting used to.” “That was the oddest thing I’ve ever seen.” Nick shrugged a shoulder. “Are you going to become like that when you get old?”

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“Who says I’m not like that now?”

For all his willingness to include Epi that late afternoon, when they got home, Nick disappeared into his apartment. Epi puttered about, did some light cleaning, sorted out another box or two. He watched some tv while wearing a cat and cooked a light dinner. The house didn’t feel as empty as it had been and he chalked that up to the simple truth that he’d actually been social today. Shortly after dark, as Epi was washing up his dinner dishes, a car drove down the lane and parked near the garage. The light over the garage that gave a dim glow to the parking area allowed him to see the man that stepped out of the car. He was well dressed in nice fitting jeans and pull over sweater. Dark hair curled around his collar and he was slender and lean. Nick must have heard the car too because he opened his door, spilling light from inside out onto the dimly lit stairs, and came to lean over the balcony railing. “Hey, you’re early.” “That a problem?” The new man called up. “Course not, come on up.” He hovered near the door and waited as the other man climbed up to join him. Epi watched as they paused by the door, Nick holding it open, and said something. It made the stranger grin and Nick shake his head but all too soon the pair disappeared into the small apartment. It left him wondering what sporting event was on tonight since it seemed that’s when Nick invited people over. The tv had nothing on and Epi was restless. He eventually gave up and went upstairs, this time with his glasses, to try to read quietly until sleep claimed him. He changed out of his clothes, brushed his teeth and took off his leg and braces before settling in to bed. Sleep, however, was as elusive as finding a good tv show to watch and after what felt like a small forever he closed his book and took off his glasses. A mug of tea would have been nice but that would have required going downstairs and he didn’t feel like being forced to go down the steps on his ass and the idea of putting his leg back on bothered him. He settled for hopping over into his wheelchair to go to the bathroom and get a cup of water. Even that didn’t feel like enough so instead of wheeling back to the bedside he rolled slowly out onto the sleeping porch with it’s screened in sides. The night air was cool and soothing and settled his nerves more than the water. Crickets and other night critters made soft noise in the fall air and somewhere an owl occasionally hooted. The peaceful silence that was slowly soothing Epi to relax was suddenly broken. Nick’s apartment door slammed open hard enough that it hit the railing on his balcony. The glass vibrated in it’s window frame and Epi tensed to hear it break and was surprised when it didn’t. Out into the night Nick’s friend hurried and from inside the apartment Nick hollered after him to wait.

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Is Yet Chapter Eleven

“Adam! Hold on!” Nick hopped into the door frame, tugging jeans up and bare chested. “Wait a moment here!” He stumbled out onto the balcony but Adam was already half way down the steps. Epi found himself leaning forward in the wheelchair to better be able to see through the tree branches. “No, I don’t want to hear your shit, Nick Kern!” Adam shouted back. “Shhh, God, you’ll wake the dead!” Adam pulled at his shirt and another bit of fabric came loose. He turned it over in his hands and Epi thought it looked like a pair of boxers before the man balled it up and threw it back at Nick. “I told you not to do this shit again.” “Adam…” “No, no…” he turned and shook a finger at Nick as the taller man came down the steps. “I get that you’re fucked in the head, I do and yeah it’s kind of really hot that you’re totally unattainable. The fact that it’s hot is simply because I’m fucked in the head too but I’m not so stupid to think you’re not just fucking me! I don’t mind being the booty call because God damn…” Adam’s anger dissolved into a bit of a lustful grin. “But I do have some shred of self respect.” “Adam…it’s not like that…” “What? You aren’t some cold hearted bastard that called me over here to just fuck me while pretending I was someone else? It wasn’t like that? Maybe you wanted to cuddle?” Adam hissed back. “Fuck you Nick. I know I’m just a piece of ass to you but this is the final straw…fucking moaning someone else’s name…did you forget who you were fucking?” “Adam, keep your voice down.” Nick hissed back and glanced toward the house. Epi was pretty sure he was invisible, sitting on the porch in the dark but he also knew he’d left the bedside lamp on and Nick would assume he was still awake. “You could at least pretend to be upset. Oh wait, that would require you giving a shit about anyone but yourself!” Adam pulled his car door open. “Take me out of your black book Nick, I don’t care how hot of a fuck you are, I’m not taking your calls again.” “Adam.” Nick stopped at the bottom of the steps, his jeans closed but unbuttoned. He stood and watched Adam back out of the drive way, stick an arm out the window and flip him off. “Damn it!” He cursed and rubbed a hand through his hair. With one last glance toward where Epi sat hidden in the shadows, Nick made his way back up his steps shaking his head the whole way. Epi sat still and unmoving for a very long time. What he’d just accidentally witnessed seemed like something from a bizarre dream. He continued to sit on the sleeping porch long after the car had disappeared from the driveway and Nick’s apartment door was shut behind him. The wheels in his brain turned over slowly and digested the obvious facts of the situation. Nick, his neighbor, the good small town boy football player, had just been fucking another man. More so, the stream

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of various men that had appeared since his arrival had all stayed for short amounts of time and all could be chalked up to casual encounters. Nick was not only gay, he was actively gay with a varied and interesting sex life. “God damn.” Epi whispered and wheeled himself back inside. He felt more numb than when he’d been heavily drugged. There was no thought to it, he wheeled over to the bed and flopped down on it’s surface. His hand scrambled across the covers until he found the phone. Tori’s number wasn’t on speed dial but it may as well have been for how quickly Epi was able to tap out the numbers. It rang three times and on the fourth his friend finally picked up. “Heya Epi…” Tori sighed as he answered. “Hey, sorry for calling so late.” “No problem…” There was a sighing quality to Tori’s voice that was odd. “Look, you’ll never guess what I just saw.” “If I’ll never guess it why should I try?” He teased back. “Mmm watch the teeth baby!” Tori moaned a little. “Oh God you aren’t…” “Hmm?” “The fetus is blowing you isn’t he?” “Quite well too I might add.” “Not like he uses his mouth to communicate complex thoughts… Should I call you back?” “Huh…oh oh no…I’m fine…” He sighed. “What is it?” “Nick’s gay.” There was a pause on the phone and a long silence. “Nick who? What show’s he on?” “Not an actor, Nick Kern, the guy living over my garage? He’s gay!” “Sweetie we’ll hire you a pro or I’ll loan you Dillon cause you’ve been celibate too long.” “I’m not crazy. He just had some guy storm out of his apartment yelling at him about calling out the wrong name and when Nick followed he was three quarters naked…” “Did you get a picture?” Tori chuckled. “No!” Epi sighed and tried to push the mental picture of what was happening on the other end of the phone from his thoughts. “I’m serious, Tori.” “Okay, assuming you’re right and oh…oh Dill that’s it…assuming you’re right and not crazy…” “I’m not crazy.” “So what? Mr. Hot Buns is gay…oh… happy hunting.” “Tori!”

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“What? He’s hot…I’d do him…so should you…oh yeah…oh…” Epi made a face at the moaning sounds. “This is too much like listening to your brother get laid. I’ll talk to you tomorrow?” “Prude…” The easiest way to end the conversation was to hang up. Epi took the easy way out. He dropped the phone onto the bed and crawled his way to where he liked to sleep. He sat still on the bed but his thoughts felt frozen, stuck in place and after a while he shook his head and crawled under the covers. When he clicked out the light, left alone in the darkness, his mind unfroze. A mental picture flashed across his mind of his neighbor, naked and sweaty. Nick’s broad shoulders were a nice to see. Epi had felt first hand the strength in the other man’s arms and the idea of that strength being gay made him shiver. He tried to picture Nick with any one of the men that had come and gone from his apartment and failed. He tried to picture Nick doing anything sexual with another man and his mind almost formed it. The mental picture was too erotic and it shivered away before he could fully grasp onto it. It just seemed impossible that Nick, his straight looking, straight acting, former jock, neighbor Nick, was gay. He shook his head again as the cats started to join him on the bed. “You all could have given me fair warning.” The cats didn’t answer and Epi chalked it up as another reason they were evil as he drifted to sleep in the darkness.

********************************************************* The next morning Epi ate his oatmeal and watched out his back porch. He’d gotten up late and Nick was already moving about the yard gathering up fallen sticks and twigs from among the falling leaves. It was chillier today than it had been with a real crisp feel of fall to the air and he’d pulled on a sweater. As he bent down to pull another fallen branch from the lawn, Epi found himself checking out the other man’s ass in his blue jeans. “God, Epi, Tori’s right…you’ve been celibate too long. When did you ever go for the butch ones?” He whispered to himself as he scraped another spoonful of the oats up. Nick carried the armful of branches to a pile by the garage and stacked them there before turning and walking to the house. Epi tried to watch the man with his new knowledge, to look for any sense in his movements that said he was anything but the straight man he seemed. Even with him looking for it he didn’t see it and he focused so hard that when Nick actually knocked on the screen door he jumped a little. “Sorry.” Nick said as he came in. “Thought you saw me coming.” “Huh? Oh, yeah…I…yeah just distracted…” He covered his nerves by shoving another spoonful of oats into his mouth. “Guess you’ve a right. Would have thought you’d been excited.” “Huh?” Nick cocked his head to the side. “You know, today? Your new leg? I’d be excited.” He’d forgotten about getting his new and permanent leg, all his thoughts had been on Nick and other men, Nick doing things with other men. “Less exciting when you have to have one chopped

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off before you get a new one.” “I’ll be ready as soon as I feed the cats.” Nick nodded and left Epi’s bitterness alone. “We’ll get your new leg, grab lunch and get you to rehab on time.” “I’m giddy with joy.” He was going to be spending the entire morning and some of the afternoon with Nick, alone with Nick. Epi wiped his suddenly sweaty palm on his pants leg.

“I still say you should have had flames put on it.” Nick added in as he shifted his weight on the chair. He was sitting on the side of the fitting room and trying to stay out of the way. Epi ran his hand over the deep blue plastic of his new, custom made socket and shook his head. “It’s not like anyone is going to see it. I was happy with black.” “Black is dull.” Nick had been the one to suggest a deep blue for the plastic and Epi had given in at his prodding. “I don’t need flames or decals.” “Decals are quite popular. We have skins that fit over the plastic of the socket and change the look of it as well as protect it.” The doctor added in, smiling at the pair as Epi settled the new leg in place. He was perched on a stool, one leg ended with a sneaker and the other ended in a obvious replacement that molded into a fake foot in the opposite sneaker. “I don’t need to make a fashion statement.” “Well, if you change your mind, about the decals or about leaving the pylon exposed we can hook you up.” “It’ll never look like a real leg, why bother?” “We can get it pretty close, but the choice is yours. I can tell you’re self conscious about it. I kept my pylon covered for years, it wasn’t until after we had kids that I change my mind. I wanted them to see me as I am. How’s that feel?” “Fine for sitting.” “Okay, let’s get you on your feet. I think this new foot will really work out well for you.” Epi slid to the edge of the table and braced himself to stand. Unconsciously he put most of his weight on his good foot and ignored the pain that leg’s knee. “No cheating.” “I’m not, I’m just being careful.” Epi frowned and eased his weight over, balancing with a hand on the table, until he felt himself settled evenly over both legs. “Huh.” “What?” The doctor asked as he stood and moved closer in case Epi lost his balance. “You were right, it’s far more comfortable.” “How’s your pain level?”

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“Much better, it’s just tender feeling not actually painful.” He transferred more weight over and was surprised again by how little it hurt. “That surprises me.” “Good! That’s what we like to hear. Anything feel pinched or tight? It should feel secure and not too loose….” “So far so good.” “Alright, let’s get you walking on it.” He gathered up and handed Epi’s crutches to him. “See how that feels.” With a deep breath Epi took a few steps across the room, paused, turned around and walked back. “That is lighter, it doesn’t feel as dead.” It wasn’t like his real leg, not by any means, but for the first time in a year it didn’t feel like he was walking with a slab of wood nailed to the bottom of the fake leg. “Huh…” “That foot should let you feel more stable on uneven surfaces. Can you walk to that wall and back for me?” Epi obeyed but found it odd to walk with everyone watching each step so closely. “Good, your gait is better, even with the crutches. How’s it feel?” He returned to the table and slid back on it. “Better, more secure…surprised me that it hurt less.” “You’ll finish healing better now, in a month you should be up and about without any pain at all. Now, Epi…I know I’m not your doctor but I’ve been where you are and I know what isn’t said so before I turn you loose… has anyone discussed sex with you?” The words weren’t the cautioning warning about taking care and being careful and his head snapped up. “What?”

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Is Yet Chapter Twelve

“You can tell me to shut up but not one person during my recovery mentioned it. It’s not about losing a leg, I lost something more. I didn’t feel like a man anymore, didn’t touch my wife for almost two years. There’s no reason for you not to have a fulfilling sex life and if you’re having issues I’ve a list of people you can talk to about it, support groups for other amputees, doctors that get it, things like that.” “I’m gay.” Epi answered as if the words explained everything.

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“That doesn’t change anything.” “Men are attracted with their eyes and it isn’t the leg, not totally. I’m…” Epi glanced away. “I’m disgusting now.” “Scars fade and real people, real relationships are based on what’s below the surface.” That actually made Epi laugh in a bitter, dark way. “Because so many men walk up to someone in a bar and say hey, you look like you’ve a good heart, let’s go out.” “You’re a young man Epi, you just need to give it time. I promise you, your sex life didn’t end in that car accident.” In a year, no one had said that to him. Even Tori had been unwilling to make such a bold promise and Epi wasn’t sure he believed it but he wanted to. “My partner died in that wreck, even if I was whole I don’t know…” “I understand but don’t assume that because you’re a different man now, that you’re a lesser man. It’s not true.” “I’m at least a pound of flesh less…or several as the case may be. Thank you for your concern but it’s unwarranted.” The man nodded and looked resolved to Epi’s stubbornness. “Very well but I’ll send that paperwork home with you anyway.”

“That was painfully awkward and horrible.” Epi muttered as he made his way from the office to the car. “You are walking better.” Nick commented but avoided the entire subject of sex. “It feels better.” He shook his head as he handed the crutches off to Nick and dropped himself onto the car seat. “He doesn’t know what he’s talking about, no matter what, things will never be the same. Who wants something so gross?” “Not everyone is looking for perfection.” Nick answered softly. The voice was so quiet, so serious and it mingled with the new found knowledge that Nick was gay. It left Epi momentarily speechless and Nick closed the door behind him. “Nick…” Epi started when the other man joined him in the car. He wasn’t sure what he was going to say, some acknowledgement of what he’d seen last night, some thanks for trying to be comforting. “Fast food okay? We’re running a little behind.” The change in subject cleared the air more than confessed words would have and Epi found himself nodding, grateful to be saved from a made for tv moment. “Fast food sounds fine, I’m thinking we should skip rehab.” Nick just snorted in disagreement.

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********************************************** The day was too long and Epi was sweaty, tired and grumpy when they finally made it back home. “You know…” “Yes I know, you hate rehab.” Nick cut him off. “No, I fucking hate rehab. God, even my aches have aches.” He whined as he rubbed at his knee. Even swinging his legs out of the car to sit and wait for Nick to get his crutches from the back made things hurt. “Being broken sucks.” With a sigh he pushed himself to standing and tried to make it a few steps to meet Nick with the crutches. It wasn’t a smart idea. At his best he could go a step or two without the support from the crutches. Exhausted and sore as he was, he wasn’t at his best. His head went fuzzy in the spinny way it did when his balance was going and he lost which way was straight and which was down. His feet stumbled and not even the responsiveness of the new leg and foot was enough to stabilize him. Epi only took a few staggering steps before strong arms wrapped around him. He fell against a chest that felt like a brick wall it was so strong. His face nestled against a strong neck and arms tenderly folded around him. If he wasn’t so struggling with dizziness and the nausea it would have occurred to him instantly that he was being held way too close for simple support. “Are you okay?” Nick’s voice rumbled out. One of his hands slipped up to the back of Epi’s shoulders but he just barely kept his fingers from tangling into the messy, too long hair. If he did that he wasn’t sure he would be able to stop himself from pulling the brooding man back and kissing the sarcasm and bitterness from his lips. The softly spoken concern cut across Epi’s mind and he remembered that Nick wasn’t some random straight boy he could have lustful thoughts over and a good giggle. Nick no longer was the safe, distant, object of teasing jokes and Epi suddenly became overly aware of every inch, every spot, where their bodies touched. He jerked away and stumbled out of the sheltering hold. “Don’t!” He ordered and had the sense of mind to snatch up the crutches as he made his escape. It took an effort to keep his feet but he didn’t want to fall and be picked back up again. “I’m sorry.” Nick studied the wide eyed face and he didn’t see the arrogant pride there that normally came across Epi when he was pissed off at his own limitations. Instead, he saw fear and Nick felt his jaw tighten. “You were awake last night. I’m not as much of a jerk as Adam makes me out to be. I’m trying here I just…I’ve never had another gay man as a friend.” Epi shook his head. “I didn’t even know you were gay.” He heard himself whispering. “Oh.” Nick scratched the back of his head. “Well, this is awkward.” “Something like that.” “I just assumed, everyone else knows.” Epi raised his eyebrows and looked around the yard, silently making the point that he really didn’t know everyone. “I mean I don’t wear an ‘I’m a homo’ t-shirt or anything but I’ve never really hidden it. I just thought you knew.” “No, no I didn’t know. You’ve always been…”

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“Yeah.” “Jesus, I need a drink.” “You shouldn’t drink, you’re still on the blood thinners.” The doctor had cut back on the dosage but Nick knew Epi wasn’t fully off them. “Fuck that.” “I’ve got some beer, want one?” “Please.” “Go sit down, I’ll bring it over.” Nick waited until Epi nodded and shifted to turn to go up the now much shorter ramp before he turned to climb up to his own apartment. He got the key in the lock and scurried to get inside to the rooms solitude. He leaned against the door and rubbed his face. When he’d called Adam he’d known he was doing it because the man was leaner, more graceful, than the men he normally dated. If he was going to be really honest he’d called Adam because of the very small resemblance between his casual lover and his new landlord. It wasn’t done intentionally. It was just that he wasn’t used to having a man near by that he knew was gay that he couldn’t have if he wanted. The denial, the effort to just be friends, was something new to him and he wasn’t sure he liked it. Now to find out that Epi hadn’t even known he was gay left Nick unsure what to do. It was pretty obvious from how the other man had pulled away that he had no attraction to him and Nick could respect that. He’d was really trying to have a gay friend, just a friend. Maybe knowing that Epi wasn’t the least bit attracted to him would help. Beer would help too. He settled his nerves and went to his fridge. It didn’t feel like a one beer situation so he pulled out a couple extras before kicking the door shut. A fall breeze rustled through the leaves and a few blew down and around to land in the yard. His eyes followed the swirl of movement but stopped when he saw Epi sitting on the porch, hunched over. One thing he had to admit, as much as he missed his aunt, Epi was far easier on the eyes. Nick was almost to the porch when Epi sat up. “You’re sure?” “Sure?” “That you’re gay?” “Pretty sure, yeah.” He cracked one of the beers open and handed it off before setting the others down on the picnic table. “I don’t see it.” “Not everyone has to be a queen.” Epi downed a swallow of the surprisingly good local beer. “I’m not a queen.” Nick just raised his eyebrows and sat down. “Maybe the wreck broke my gaydar.” Epi sipped at the beer and watched some more leaves fall. “Oh, that’s why they were teasing you. It wasn’t because of me but because of you. I just thought it was mock the straight boy for spending time with the gay boy jokes.” “My dad would have been a lot happier if it were.”

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“What the hell are you doing living here in the middle of nowhere?” The question blurted out. “This is like the gay cultural armpit.” “There’s a community, it’s small, quiet. You’re here.” “I’m here because I’m running away from my life and this is about as far from everything as I could get.” Nick shrugged. “This is home. I spent a couple of years out in California but it wasn’t for me and Aunt Minnie’s health wasn’t so good anymore and there was talk of putting her in a home.” “So you came back.” Nick nodded. “I about grew up here. When my folks found out I was gay they threw me out. I spent my senior year of high school here with her. She was the only family that would take me in. When I wanted to go out west, she loaned me the gas money, when I wanted to come back she gave me a place to come back to.” “It’s good you had her because the rest of your family sounds like assholes.” “They just don’t know any different. Dad and I have a relationship now and that’s fine. I just thought you knew. Everyone knows everything about everyone here. You hadn’t even finished bidding on the house when half the town knew you were gay.” Nick took a long swallow. “Does it change things between us?” “Yes!” Epi glanced over to see if Nick was teasing him. “It does!” He only saw confusion on the other man’s face. “It’s bad enough having some straight guy hauling me around like a rag doll but…yes it’s different. What if I fall in the shower? Good God!” He couldn’t help it, Nick started to laugh. “It’s not like I’ll maul you or something.” “I didn’t mean it that way. I know what I look like, I wouldn’t even imagine…I mean…” “It’s okay.” “Why haven’t you ever had gay friends? You seem…popular.” It was Nick’s turn to glance over sideways to see if he was being mocked but Epi was still watching leaves fall. “I don’t know. I’ve always just sort of slept with people. Never cared when their birthdays were or what their favorite color was or shit like that.” “And we’re what? Friends?” Even Epi knew he almost spat the word out. He’d never been the most popular before the accident and hadn’t ever cared to be. Since the accident his social life was pretty much Tori and that was it. “I’d like to think so.” Nick shrugged. “Because you don’t want to fuck me I’m your first gay friend? Well spank me for being special.” “No wonder you don’t have any friends.” “I have friends.” Epi lied. “You’ve been here weeks and other than Tori, who’s called or stopped by?” “Now you’re just being cruel.”

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“I’m sorry.” Nick was too, he had assumed that Epi didn’t care about his isolation or maybe even enjoy but he knew sometimes it was circumstance that made someone so alone and not desire. “It's okay. I deserve it. I'm a miserable fuck of a person. I know it.” “I don't think you're miserable to be around, grumpy maybe. We're okay though, right?” Epi had to take another swallow of the beer. “Other than my feeling stupid for not knowing? Yeah, we're okay.” “If it's any comfort?” Nick heard himself saying. “I'd do you.” That made Epi laugh. “By your own admission you'd do almost anyone, but thank you anyway. Just, for the love of God, don't tell that to Tori. He'll take you up on it.” Nick couldn't help it, even if it was tight and bitter, it was still nice to hear Epi laugh and he joined in. “I'll keep that in mind.”

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Is Yet Chapter Thirteen

The wood screw squealed a little as it was forced into place. It was a sound that Nick had always liked. It meant one more thing was done, put into place and solidly holding. There was no way to get that sound from a screwdriver, it took power tools. Some part of him loved power tools, beyond the fact that they made life easier, he wasn’t sure why but he really liked power tools. Another wood screw squeaked its way into place and he tested the strength of the last post he’d cut for the ramp. Instead of a flat wide hand rail he’d gone out and gotten a rounded one. It would be easier to grip onto and Nick figured that would be a better choice. He’d already attached the brackets for the rail to each post and now with all the posts in place he turned his attention to getting the rail in place. A car rolled up the lane and Nick frowned. Epi was inside, the man had finally given up on sitting and watching him work in the chilled fall air but there was no way he’d miss hearing a car arrive. He drove the first screw into place a little more roughly than he needed to as the car parked nearby. “Hey.” The young man that stepped from the car called out.

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Nick ignored him and got another screw in place. On the porch the door opened and Epi came out. “Hello.” “Hi!” The new arrival smiled and came over to the porch, hand extended. “I’m Billy.” “Hello Billy.” “You have to be Epi, nice to meet you. Nick talks about you all the time.” Nick put down the cordless drill and stood up. “Epi, this is Billy Arntz. You’re early.” Billy shrugged. “I had time.” It was the look that Billy gave him that made it clear to Epi that the new arrival wasn’t just some old friend of Nick’s. The man’s brown eyes swept across him with a bit too much of an appraisal for it really to be about the crutches and fake leg and more, the look dismissed him. Not that he could blame Billy, Epi knew he was no competition. The other man looked like he was straight out of the Marines or Army, his shoulders broad, his jaw square, his hair cut military short. The man looked like he could bench press him and if Billy was Nick’s type, there was no way Epi would be a threat. “Would you like to sit down?” Epi finally recovered and offered with a wave of his hand to the picnic table and benches on the porch. “I was just going to get something to drink.” “Thanks.” He smiled warmly. “Want some help?” “Ah…” Epi glanced to where Nick was watching them both but saw no clue in the other man as to how to answer. “Sure.” “So, you and Nick…?” Epi asked as he got glasses out of the cupboard and moved to get the half gallon of cider from the fridge. “Friends with benefits I guess. Getting Nick to peg down to anything is like trying to herd cats.” He picked up the glasses as Epi got the cider back in the fridge. “Just getting him to agree to today was like pulling teeth.” “What’s today?” “He didn’t tell you?” Epi shook his head and got the door to the porch open for them. “Not a word.” “Oh, he’s going with me to my father’s birthday party. They’re cool with my being gay but if I show up alone they start to hope I’ll date girls again.” He put two of the glasses down and handed one off the porch to Nick. “So Nick saves me by showing up to family functions.” “Nice of him.” Epi smirked and sat down. Some perverse part of him was enjoying the look of uncomfortable awkwardness that had crept onto Nick’s face. “You’re early, Billy. I won’t be ready for a while.” “I know. I thought I’d swing by. You don’t mind, do you Epi?” “Not at all. Wasn’t doing anything but getting in the way anyway.”

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Nick shook his head and turned his attention back to his work. The pair of them sitting there watching him made him feel like he was on display and it wasn’t a feeling he liked. “So Nick really hasn’t mentioned me?” Billy asked and it earned him a hard look from Nick. “Not a word but we don’t really discuss our private lives.” He deliberately didn’t glance to Nick’s lover and tried very hard not to mentally picture the two men together. “I’m just grateful to have someone so handy around. Seems like every time I turn around, Nick’s surprising me with some new skill.” “That’s because he’s Penn Dutch.” “What’s that have to do with anything?” “Billy don’t bore him.” Nick warned but kept his attention on the section of railing he was working on. “I’m not bored.” Epi answered sweetly. “Well, I’m a quarter Penn Dutch. Most folks about here have some but Nick is pure Dutch through and through. Germans are stubborn sorts, so when they came here they moved out to the frontiers, settled all these areas like in the 1600’s and 1700’s, cleared the land and farmed. But because they were so isolated they learned to do everything on their own, blacksmithing, carpentry, they could build a barn or a table, raised their own meat, butchered it, smoked it. I read a study that said the traditional Penn Dutch men was skilled in something like thirty professions. They scorned outsiders too, it wasn’t until the 30’s and 40’s that they even stopped talking Penn Dutch and took up English. But Nick here, Nick is a modern Dutchman, he can fix a car, skin a deer, do plumbing and electrical repair, build things, fix things, make things, track things, grow things…” “Billy.” Nick scolded again. “It’s not like that.” “It is. It’s damn impressive. The man is like a Swiss army knife but he’s like this because his whole family is like this. His aunt used to dry her own apples, can and jar things, she’d make her own pumpkin pies from pumpkins Nick grew out in the garden. Three years ago, Nick and his father re-shingled the roof over his apartment.” “That is damn impressive.” Epi spoke smoothly, only half teasing because he liked how being boasted about was making Nick blush. He sipped at his cider to hide his grin. “Billy can you come hold this rail in place? I’ll be done sooner if you help.” Nick finally asked both liking and not liking the smirk Epi wore. “Yeah sure, hang on.” It didn’t bother Epi to be left sitting alone on the porch. It let him watch the two men work together and let him quietly toy with his own fantasies. Billy held the railing in place with strong hands and by leaning a hip against it as Nick drilled in the screws, on his knees to the side of the railing. It was plenty to fuel his own thoughts and amuse him. Enough so that when the railing was firmly attached and Nick announced that he needed a shower he almost snickered when Billy seemed a bit to willing to wait for Nick in his apartment. The idea of them, alone in the small apartment, fucking each other silly, was enough to make Epi feel more than a little flushed himself.

Nick was unusually quiet the following week and Epi let the other man keep to his own thoughts.

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He even resisted teasing Nick about the lack of his friends coming and going late at night. The truth was, Epi was almost as uncertain and uncomfortable learning of Nick’s sexuality as Nick seemed to be now that Epi knew the truth. They both had come to a silent agreement to simply not speak about it and Epi was quite happy to let the subject alone. In fact he was comfortable with the easy silence that settled over them during the week. Nick seemed to want to say little and Epi was glad for the quiet. He was settling nicely into his new life but his physical rehab progress felt like it was stalled and he was wondering if he really could progress any further. Maybe the hope to go from crutches to a cane was just a hope and not a real chance. Maybe he’d always have braces and scars and never be able to walk with a somewhat normal gait. It was a painful truth he didn’t want to accept, another harsh reality that made him feel like the anti-depressants he was on were really just tic tacs and not all that useful. “What’s it like?” Nick asked as they drove home on Friday from Epi’s weekly therapy hour. “What’s what like?” He almost snapped back, unwilling to play games and try to guess. “Therapy.” “You’ve never been?” “No.” “Huh, everyone I know has been in therapy at one point or another. My dad bought a sports car, candy apple red, when he turned fifty. My mom made him go into therapy.” He chuckled but it was with a bitter ironic tone. “Personally? I’d rather…well I can’t say I’d give my right arm to avoid it because wouldn’t I look silly? I’d really rather do almost anything but go.” Epi sighed and set his head back against the car seat. “If I’d known Tori was going to find me and I’d have to go to therapy for another year I wouldn’t have tried to OD. Or, at the least, taken more shit and done it right.” “Tori might not agree with that.” That was an uncomfortable thought. When he’d come to in the hospital with Tori sitting beside him with a red nose and tear stained face and trying to act like he hadn’t been crying, all Epi had felt was shame. “Therapy…well, the room is always dimly lit to make you feel more comfortable and there is comfy chairs and such, tissue boxes for your breakdowns and blankets to snuggle under and make you feel safe. Last moron would even make me tea, like tea is going to make me feel better. You go in and sit down and they will ask about your week or some such nonsense or how you feel. God help you if you don’t feel like telling them or if nothing happened because then they’ll ask about your parents and childhood to get you talking.” “You’ve been in therapy before this?” “When I was seventeen I was caught at a party, drunk off my ass. My mom made me go. The result was a year’s worth of talking bullshit to find out the shocking truth that my issues stem from a parental figure absence. I could have saved them the money and myself the time. I get drunk at one party and suddenly I’m an alcoholic, my brother does blow for fifteen years and no one says a peep.” He shook his head. “Anyway, this fellow? He wants me to talk about my life as the man I am today. He wants me to conceptualize my future in my new reality and accept that while I’m not the same I’m as good. Fucking bullshit is what it is. Somehow he missed the memo that I’m not as good but I go and I play nice and I say the right things and count off how many more times I have to go back.” “Why don’t you just…I don’t know, stop going?”

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“Can’t, it’s medically ordered, like rehab. If I stop they can look at me funny and up the doses on my meds or consider in house treatment and I’ll be damned before that happens. I really will kill myself then.” “I’ve always thought people got something about of therapy.” Epi shrugged. “Maybe other people, you know like if daddy beat you or something but what’s he going to say to me? What am I going to say to him to make what’s happened alright? Shit happened, no amount of talking is going to make it all better.” They drove on in silence because Epi felt he’d said too much and Nick wondered if he shouldn’t have asked. He’d only asked because his only experience was what he’d seen on movies and tv shows. If anyone he knew had been in therapy, beyond couples therapy to try to save a failing marriage, they didn’t admit to it. “My mother…” Nick muttered as they got closer to home. “Hmm?” “My mother threatened to send me to be de-programmed or to put me in therapy when she found out I was gay.” It wasn’t something he’d ever told anyone before. “I came home from school, found her sitting on the sofa crying.” “How’d she find out?” “She cleaned my room and found my porn.” The magazines had been carefully bought miles from home where no one would know him and just as carefully smuggled into his bedroom. It had been the only outward admission he’d made during his teen years about his sexuality and it was that one thing that tripped him up. “What mother snoops in her teen son’s porn collection?” He snorted. “She deserved to be shocked and horrified.” “It was hidden well too.” “She was looking hard to find something.” He nodded. “It wasn’t fun.” Epi laughed. “I imagine not. De-programming! I don’t even know her and I think she’s a twit. What did you do?” “She sent me to wait for my father in my room. I went but I packed up. When he got home and things got worse I just grabbed my stuff and left.” “I’m sorry.” “They didn’t understand.” “Obviously, I’m still sorry though. I was lucky, my father caught me with this guy when we were in Greece for the summer. He was almost more embarrassed then me and the whole safe sex talk about killed us both. He ended up giving up and taking me to the family doctor and making him talk to me.” “That’s awful, he actually walked in during…” “Oh yeah.” He felt his face flushing a little bit in remembered embarrassment. “It was

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humiliating.” Nick laughed now. “I bet.” “We don’t mention it now, thankfully.”

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Is Yet Chapter Fourteen

“That’s just awful. Where are your parents anyway? You never mention them.” “Oh, well, Thailand I think right now. Mom wanted to study Asian cooking, they’ve been traveling for a year now.” Nick turned them into their lane. “A year? Were they gone when…” “They were by the time I woke up.” “I’m sorry.” “They had reservations, plans.” He’d needed them there, he really had, and by the time he was aware enough to really know what had happened they were gone. Nick only shook his head and kept his mouth shut. It wasn’t his place to pass judgment on someone else’s family, not when his own was far from perfect. “What’re you doing for lunch tomorrow?” “Huh?” “Lunch, tomorrow?” “Grilled cheese or the like.” “I have tickets to the Dutch Suppers, want to go with me?” “Dutch Suppers?” Epi popped his door open and waited until Nick came around the back of the car and got his crutches out of the back seat. “Yeah, local fire company here, it’s a tradition, twice a year they make and serve Penn Dutch food. Mostly it’s outsiders that go but I got tickets.” “Billy not free?” he asked carefully as he stood up.

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“I didn’t ask him.” Epi could hear the tight unhappiness in the other man’s voice and raised an eyebrow. “What happened?” “Nothing.” “Please, you didn’t get those tickets to take me.” “I…no I didn’t. He told his family we were… that I was his boyfriend.” “How dare he.” “He told them I’d be there for Thanksgiving and Christmas and never talked to me about it. His sister even hinted about when I was moving in with him.” He could understand why that might upset Nick. “So you got pissed off and had a fight.” “Yeah and he told me to go to hell.” Nick grinned. “Ah well, I’m not going to have my arm twisted into anything or be blackmailed into doing anything. So what do you say? Go with me?” “Sounds better than grilled cheese. Thanks.” There was no doubt that Nick could have picked up the phone and found someone else to go with him and Epi wondered if the other man had asked him because he’d rather go with him or if he was just easier.

Epi hadn’t been certain how formal or casual to dress and Nick hadn’t said if it was a fancy meal or not, so he stuck with what he normally wore, a nice pair of trousers and a sweater pulled over a shirt. He’d always tended to dress more conservatively but that had only gotten worse since the accident. He was fussing about the casual clothes and wondering if he should have put on a suit when he saw Nick in nice blue jeans and a pull over polo style shirt. “Hey, ready?” He paused just to enjoy the sight of Nick in the early afternoon sunlight as he nodded. It lit up the man’s hair and gave it an auburn look, made his eyes squint a little like some movie cowboy and Epi didn’t mind the simple pleasure of just staring. “You look nice,” Nick muttered a little as he hurried to open the car door. The softly spoken compliment caught Epi off guard. “Thanks, I was thinking the same about you.” Nick glanced away. “Isn’t a long drive, less than five minutes…” “I’ll keep the crutches up here.” “Good.” He made sure Epi was all the way into the car and shut the door behind the man. As he rounded the back of the car he shook his head. “You look nice, you look nice! What an ass…” They drove in silence back into town and up the hill to the volunteer fire company building. “I know you don’t like to use it but if we don’t we’ll have to park down the hill in the church lot.” Nick tossed the handicap parking permit onto the dash board. “It’s okay.”

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“The whole thing benefits the fire company but it’s mostly out of towners. Not too many Dutch families went in the early days.” “Why?” Nick shrugged. “Not our way back then to spend a couple of dollars to eat out. You’ll see more locals now but it’s still eighty percent outsiders.” “And you wanted to bring Billy?” “He’d been asking about some of the food…” Epi caught the forced indifference to Nick’s voice and saw through how hard he was trying not to care. “Well, his loss is my gain. I’m starving.” “Good, there’s plenty to eat.” Epi dragged himself out of the car and was surprised by the number of people and cars in the lot. Somehow he’d expected something small scale or like a small restaurant, not a fire hall community room filled with well over a hundred people. The smells of food rolled out of the building every time the door opened and Epi’s stomach growled. “Hey Nick.” A man about Nick’s age wearing a fire police vest nodded as they walked by. “Frank. How’s the family?” “Good, good.” That set a trend. It seemed like every local they saw knew Nick and said at least hello. One of the older men inside had even reserved them a spot at the end of one of the long tables so they wouldn’t get smashed in between people and Epi would have space for his crutches. Everyone they spoke to Nick introduced to Epi, but the names ran together into a blur of Kaultriders and Werners, Krebs and Reberts. To each one Nick made sure they knew that Epi was the man that had bought his Aunt’s house and subtly also made it clear they weren’t involved at the same time. At several points on each table were menus and Epi found himself shaking his head. “My German isn’t very good. Hinkel Bottboi?” “Chicken pot pie.” “Oh, I like that.” “Well, it’s boiled, not like in a crust.” “Oh, and Groascht Waascht?” “Roasted sausage.” “Okay and Snitz and Knepp?” “Snitz is apples dried and sliced and knepp is just a dumpling but the dish is a cured ham soaked in water that was used to soak snitz in, it’s cooked in the apple broth and the apples are added back in and dumplings, knepp, are dropped on top. The pan is covered and the dumplings steam up. It’s good.”

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“Huh. Well I’ll try almost anything once.” “They don’t have hog maw though, they don’t serve it anymore.” “Hog maw?” “A pig’s stomach stuffed with potatoes and sausage. It’s baked and good.” He expected Epi to make a face like most people did at learning about one of Nick’s favorite foods. “I’d give it a go. I’ve had haggis and it was actually quite good.” It was Nick’s turn to be surprised. “I’ll have to let you know when someone in the family makes it again. Aunt Minnie used to make it for me on my birthday.” Epi was going to make some sort of comment back but massive platters and bowls of food started coming out of the kitchen. The smell was delicious alone and soon the strangers at the table started passing the wonderful, if different, food around family style. He got too busy with new foods and tastes to worry about anything other than enjoying himself and stuffing themselves full.

As desert was being brought around, Apple Snitz pie, shoe fly and more, all types Epi didn’t know about, one of the older men of the fire department came over and knelt down by them. “So you’re the fellow that bought Minnie’s place?” “Yes, sir,” Epi answered respectfully. “You taking to our little town?” “I’m enjoying the quiet.” “We’re quiet, that’s for sure. You enjoy the supper?” “Everything was wonderful.” The older man nodded and glanced between Epi and Nick. “He’s taking care of you?” “Yes, sir.” “Couldn’t ask for a better caretaker. Nicky here, he’s a good boy.” “Mr. Miller…” Nick muttered. The older man laughed. “Let me talk you up, boy. When his Uncle Jonas had the stroke and was dying in the hospital? Nicky here took off the whole week from school to stay in the hospital with him. Never for a moment let that old coot alone or let his Aunt sit with him alone, day or night for five days. Whenever we went in to see him, there Nicky was, holding his hand and telling him it was okay. Nicky came back from out West too when Minnie was so frail. Not many children would do that in this day and age, let alone a great nephew.” “Mr. Miller means well but don’t listen to half of what he says.” The older Mr. Miller patted Epi’s arm. “You’re in good hands with Nicky” When he glanced over, Nick was blushing a little.

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“Nicky huh?” “Nick, I haven’t gone by Nicky since I was fourteen.” “Nicccckkkyyyy,” Epi teased. “It sounds like a cute cheerleader.” Nick gave Epi a look that said he wasn’t even the least amused as they pulled the car down the lane. “So you liked the food?” “Oh good God, yes.” He patted his stomach. “I haven’t eaten that well in a very, very long time.” Before he could get the car door open another car turned into their lane. “It’s simple food but good.” “Excellent I’d say. Some of the best food in the world is simple.” He glanced to Nick but he could tell by how the other man was watching the car that he didn’t know who it was either. “Expecting someone?” “No, you?” “Nope.” The car was simple, ordinary sedan but it made sure to back up and turn around and face down the lane before the driver parked. The man that stepped from inside was middle aged, dressed fairly casually and as ordinary as his car. He walked over to where Epi and Nick hovered near their own car and paused. “Afternoon,” the stranger greeted. “Afternoon.” Nick answered and moved to stand between where Epi still sat on the edge of the car seat and the new arrival. “Can we help you?” “Hopefully, I’m looking for Shannon Whitmore. This is supposed to be her address.” “Sorry, no women live here.” Nick answered. “Know where I can find her?” “Never heard of her.” Though he wondered what Epi’s sister’s name was. “Mind if I take a look around?” “Yes. I do.” “I’m Shannon.” Epi sighed and stood up. “What?” Nick glanced over his shoulder. “I’m Shannon. It’s what the S stands for.” The two men looked at Epi like he was speaking gibberish so he fished his wallet out of his back pocket. He flipped it open and handed it over to Nick. “See? Shannon Epitome Whitmore. I’m Shannon Whitmore.”

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The wallet got passed to the stranger who looked like he didn’t really believe that the woman he was looking for was a man. “What can I do for you?” The man stared at the identification and up to Epi before handing Nick back the wallet. “Well….these are for you.” He produced a folded stack of papers from his back pocket and handed them to Nick as well. “What’s this about?” Epi frowned. “Not my job to worry about that, just my job to serve them. Have a great day.” He smiled, nodded and hurried back to his car. “Serve them…” “Looks like legal papers.” Nick handed the stack over to Epi. “What are they?” Epi didn’t answer as he read over the first page. “Shannon huh?” “It’s a family name, Nicky!” He snapped back. It wasn’t Nick he was getting angry at. “Fucking hell, oh fucking hell… they can’t do this…” He shook his head and started toward the ramp. “They can’t do this…” He muttered. “Do what? What’s wrong?” Nick moved and caught Epi at the top of the ramp. “What’s happened?” Epi smacked the papers out into Nick’s chest. “Get out of my way I have to call my lawyer.” “Epi, tell me what’s going on…” He took the papers tossed at him as an invitation, but he also was smart enough to step to the side. Epi wasn’t just angry, he was really pissed off, and Nick wasn’t sure if the other man would refrain from beating him with a metal crutch to get him to move. He unfolded the papers and started to read but they made little sense to him. One phrase stood out, one line that he did understand. “You’re being sued for wrongful death? Who’s wrongful death?” He called out as Epi hurried into the house to get his phone. Nick’s questions stopped him as he was dialing. “My ex-boyfriend's. You know, the asshole that drove us into a tree.”

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Is Yet

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Chapter Fifteen

“How are you responsible for a car accident?” Epi shook his head and hated that he couldn’t pace. His own immobility seemed to mock him and it only made him more angry. Even the phone seemed to bound and determined to remind him of what he’d lost, he had trouble juggling his balance, his phone and his crutches safely. There was no way he could sit quietly down and hold the phone so he pushed the speakerphone button to be able to keep standing. The phone rang a few times and a woman picked up. “Mr. Goodmen’s office, how can I help you?” “Put Shawn on.” “I’m sorry sir, Mr. Goodman’s in a meeting, can I take a message?” “He’s not in a meeting, he’s doing paperwork like he does every Saturday afternoon. Put him on the phone or you can tell him you made Epi Whitmore leave a message,” he snapped back at her friendly voice. “Oh, Mr. Whitmore, of course. I’m sorry, please, just a moment.” There was a clicking on the line and a very short pause. “Epi, you need to stop bullying my secretaries.” “She should know better.” “It’s not like you call often enough for her to know your voice. I was just about to call you…” “I was served today.” “Shit, I was hoping they’d wait until Monday to get you.” The lawyer sounded truly remorseful. “I’m on it.” “What the hell, Shawn? What is this?” He waved at the papers Nick still was holding and reading. “How can they do this? Why now?” “We’ve been going back and forth with Timothy’s parents for a couple of months now…” “Months? This has been going on for months and you didn’t tell me?” “What would you have done about it? Other than freak out.” “I’m not freaking out!” “Yes, you are,” Shawn answered calmly. “That’s why we didn’t tell you.” Epi hobbled around the room a little. “Okay, yeah, I’m freaking out a little… They’re suing me for his death… how can they do that?” “You know as well as I do that you can sue anyone for anything at anytime. The judge will toss this out before it goes to trial, they’re not going to win.” “Why would they even…”

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“Epi, you promised to take care of Timothy. They’re contending that you knew about his problem and provoked him, causing him to lose control.” “Bullshit!” “They lost their son.” “I lost…” But he couldn’t finish the sentence. He wasn’t even sure how he was going to finish it, he’d lost so much all at once that a parent’s grief felt small in comparison. He paced about a little and tried to keep breathing. “They’re not going to get one single penny from me!” “They say it isn’t about the money. They want to know what happened that day. They want to hear you tell them what happened. That’s why they’ve included the family trust into the suit. Your father has already told me to just pay them off because he doesn’t want you to have to go to deposition.” “How much are they asking for?” “A million, half from you personally, half from the trust.” Nick coughed a little and cleared his throat but Epi didn’t glance to him. “I’ll be damned before I give them a penny let alone a million! I should be suing his estate, not the other way around!” Epi shouted at the phone. “Make this go away Shawn, just make it go away!” “I told your father you’d feel that way and it’s my job to advise the family… but there’s only two ways to make this go away. We can pay them off or you can go to the deposition and answer the questions. There isn’t a judge in the country that will let this go to trial when they hear what happened.” “Damn it…” “That’s why they’re pushing to have it done this week.” The voice on the phone sighed. “I’d been trying to avoid it going this far. I’m sorry.” “It’s not your fault.” Epi muttered and finally gave in and dropped himself down into a chair. “I just don’t know why they’d do this…” “You have money Epi…knowing that can make people do stupid things. Mix that with grief and remorse, well it’s not kind but it is understandable.” “Jesus, they never wanted to deal with him and now they’re all pissed off that he’s gone?” “I know, what do you want me to do? Your father is pushing hard to make this simply go away, no one will fault you for it.” Epi rubbed a hand across his face and hoped he wouldn’t throw up. “No, just tell me what I need to do. Do we need to sit down again and go over it?” By all rights, they should. Shawn knew they should but he also knew Epi didn’t speak about that day to anyone. He’d told Shawn the details but that been in private and for legal reasons and, as far as he knew, hadn’t spoken of what happened since. If he was willing to tear open painful wounds, Shawn wasn’t above using that emotion to sway their case. “No, we don’t need to go over things again. So long as you told me everything before?”

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“Everything.” “Good. I’ve had them make some concessions. We’ll met up your way not down in Virginia.” “Okay.” “I’ll be up there on Monday, we can stall on this as long as I can, if you need some time.” “No.” The anger was bleeding away and he wanted it all finished. “No, let’s just get it over with.” “Okay, we’ll do it early next week, I’ll call you on Monday. You going to hang in there until then?” “I’m fine.” “Should I call Tori? Ask him to come up for a few days?” “No, I’ll tell him about the lawsuit but no, he’s babysat me enough. I’m fine.” “You won’t be alone will you?” “I’m fine Shawn. Really I am and no I won’t be.” He wasn’t sure if it was a lie or not but in the most technical sense Nick was there and he wasn’t alone. “Okay, I’ll call you on Monday, and for what it’s worth? I think you’re doing the right thing here, Epi.” He snorted. “Whatever, I’m just not going to let them have one cent they don’t deserve.” “Get some rest, we’ll talk more.” “Okay and Shawn, thanks.” “Of course.” The line clicked off and the phone lay on the table forgotten. Nick had to be the one to reach over and turn it off. “You okay?” “I’m fine.” “So…” He wanted to tease about Epi’s name but the man didn’t look in the mood. “You’re okay?” “Nick, you’re not Tori, it doesn’t suit you to hover.” Epi stood up to pace or move or put the phone away, something other than just sitting there feeling trapped. He stood up too quickly, forgot that his balance was shot and his legs unstable. Epi stumbled, caught on the crutches that should have supported him and staggered about trying to get steady. Part of him didn’t care if he fell, part of him didn’t care if he fell and broke every bone in his body. He gave up on trying to find his balance and braced himself to hit the floor, or the table, or whatever else was in his way. Strong hands caught his shoulders, strong arms slipped over his back. The only thing that hit the floor were the forearm crutches and Epi stumbled against a far too steady chest. He hit Nick with enough force to cause the other man to take a half step back but they didn’t fall and he was soon pressed against a stable, very masculine body. Epi struggled a little to get his balance and push away but everyway he pulled Nick countered. The hold was gentle but as strong as a vise and after a small struggle Epi frowned and stopped trying to get away. The arms instantly tightened around him and pulled him closer. It was being caught in Nick’s

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steady strength that chipped away at his control. It made Epi feel small again, sheltered and protected like he hadn’t since he was a small child. He hadn’t fallen and skinned his knees, the wounds of adulthood were never so simple, but he felt the same need to just let someone else make it better. It was too great of a temptation to refuse fully and Epi gave in to it by fragments. He let his hands fist into Nick’s shirt and he tucked his face down against a strong shoulder. Every breath felt like one that might push him into a panic attack and he struggled to hold himself together. Nick hadn’t meant anything by his actions. Epi was stumbling, obviously and rightfully upset, and he saw the other man was going to fall. He wouldn’t have let a stranger fall he wasn’t going to let Epi either. He reached out and was again shocked about how easy it was get a grip on and move the more slender man. It wasn’t that Epi was weak or even scrawny, but he didn’t resist. He just let himself be pulled about, maybe because when he was unstable he wasn’t sure which direction to pull to or from. He got his hands on Epi and tugged but when the other man stumbled closer Nick’s arms slipped around him too. The crutches fell with a clatter and Epi stumbled hard against him. The way the other man let himself be tugged about was deceptive of his actual weight and the force of the impact caught Nick off guard. He had to take a small step back before they steadied. That small step delayed Epi’s instant refusal to accept the embrace but didn’t stop it and Nick let him struggle. If he’d thought for one moment the man actually wanted to get away he would have let him go but he knew enough now to know that it was pride and stubbornness alone that made Epi try to run away. Nick just held on and countered every move Epi made and sure enough he didn’t get punched in the ribs or snapped at to let go. Instead, Epi gave up and gave in. Hands clutched not at him or around him but into the fabric of his shirt and hung on. Nick understood and let him but he pulled the slender body closer as Epi tucked against him and drew in long gasping, near panic sounding breaths. He hadn’t meant the contact to mean anything. Epi was about to fall, Nick wasn’t going to allow that. Epi was shaking in anger and emotions more complicated and he wasn’t going to let him run off and be alone. It was the friendly thing to do and Nick knew well enough that sometimes a little physical contact made all the difference, especially to someone that so rarely accepted it but obviously wanted it. It was just supposed to be a friendly hug, an offer of support and friendship, a chance to take a breath and regain both physical and emotional balance. That was all Nick had meant it to be. It didn’t stay that way. Epi felt good in his arms. The man was more slender than his normal lovers, but he wasn’t skinny or weak feeling. To the contrary, Epi’s shoulders were tense and strong, his back had a proud solid arch to it, his hands had a tight grip on his shirt that wasn’t weak. It made Nick want to kiss him, kiss the too rigid shoulders into relaxation, kiss the tense back into arching for other reasons. It made him want to melt away Epi’s stubbornness and make the far from helpless body pliable in his hands. If the feel of Epi in his arms about undid him, the smell of the cologne he’d put on for going out to the supper made his knees weak. It was spicy and masculine and mingled with the man’s skin to make a mellow exotic scent. It hit Nick like a board to the back of the head and swept any thought of the embrace being merely friendly away under a tidal wave of desire. It went beyond his normal reaction to other gay men and the simple fact that it was easier to deal with them on a purely physical level. He didn’t like stubborn, difficult men. He didn’t like the ones too proud to just fuck. He didn’t like the ones that had to be chased. Nick liked things simple and easy, uncomplicated and friendly. He liked the guys he could watch a game with and have a few beers and share pleasure and not have to worry about anniversaries or birthdays and all the crap he was awful at.

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It was simply traitorous of his body to respond to his new landlord so strongly. Epi was not simple or uncomplicated. He was stubborn and proud to the point of annoyance. He was emotionally damaged from whatever had happened in that car wreck and would never just fuck for pleasures sake. He would need to be chased and convinced and comforted and Nick had never wanted that. He shouldn’t have the least bit of sexual attraction to Epi but as he caught another whiff of that expensive, perfect, cologne mixed with his shampoo on the man’s hair all he wanted to do was chase Epi until the man gave in and than carry him to the nearest bed like some caveman. “Shawn’s father was a family lawyer, he’s good at his job.” Epi finally was able to say but he didn’t let go of Nick’s shirt. “I trust him. I don’t think I can do this…” There was only a slight tremble to Epi’s voice but Nick could feel the emotion in the tense body he held. It made his sudden and surprising lust seem petty and small and he squashed it down. “It doesn’t sound like you have to. If you can afford to settle, why don’t you?” “Because it isn’t right! I…God damn it…it…this sucks. It’s cruel, this is private and it doesn’t belong to them, I shouldn’t have to tell them!” He drew a deep breath. “I don’t know if I can tell them…” “Could you tell Tori? We could get him up here, he could sit across from you in the room and you could answer their questions to him. You’d be telling him not them. How about that?” He felt himself petting a hand over Epi’s hair and down to rub a little at the too tense neck. The light touch made him sigh. “I can’t, I’ve asked too much of him already. I want him to get his life back.” The hands on his shirt unclenched a little. “How about me? Could you tell me? I’m not Tori but I’m not a total stranger either. I’ll have to drive you there anyway. Won’t be effecting my day any. How about it?” Epi pulled away from the arms that were holding him in what was now obviously a hug and not a simple effort to steady him. “You’d do that?” “Sure.” “It’d make it easier…” “Then let’s do that. You tell me and don’t look at them and it’ll be over before you know it.” Somehow Epi doubted that but he wouldn’t have backed down before and he wasn’t going to now. He nodded and was caught in the concern he found on Nick’s otherwise pleasantly neutral face. It made the lingering embrace suddenly awkward and both men were a little grateful when Epi stepped back and broke the contact.

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Is Yet

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Chapter Sixteen

“Now there’s tears on the pillow, Darlin’, where we slept… Without your sweet kiss my soul is lost, my friend. Tell me how do I begin again? My city’s in ruins.” ~ Bruce Springsteen My City of Ruins

“I should have had this tailored.” Epi complained as he accepted the forearm crutches from Nick and stood up. “I look like I’m wearing my father’s suit.” “I thought it looked nice on you.” Epi snorted. “This isn’t bought off the rack, it’s supposed to fit.” The law office looked like any other vague office building built in the last decade. It had a bit too much tan used on its exterior, a bit too much reflective glass to make it look modern and the same generic landscaping. He shook his head. “It’s not the suits fault I’m not the man I was the last time I wore it. I should have had it tailored.” Nick hadn’t dressed up. He’d put on a nice pair of pants and button down shirt and worn his nicer coat but he had been surprised when Epi had come out of the house in a full suit. “I still say you look nice.” That brought a small, very tiny, quirk of a smile to Epi’s face. “Thanks.” It quickly fled when Nick held the door open for him. “God, I don’t think I can do this.” He looked to Nick but he saw no agreement or disagreement there. “If I wig out…?” “We’ll leave.” “Good.” He had needed to know that, needed to know that if he had to run someone would be backing him up. “If they don’t let me leave, I can always fake a seizure.” Nick chuckled and got the second set of doors open. “I can’t wait to see that.” “Epi!” A voice called out as soon as they crossed the threshold. Any mental image or thoughts Nick had as to what Epi’s lawyer, Shawn Goodman looked like didn’t match the man that met them. His skin was a bit pale and his belly a bit round. He was about their age, maybe a little older but his hair was close trimmed and receding. The suit he was wearing fit well and looked expensive but didn’t seem at all showy or flashy. Even the shine on the man’s shoes didn’t seem overly bright. He was ordinary, even the wedding ring on his finger was plain and simple. “I have a conference room for us if you want a moment before we go in.” Brown eyes flicked over and across Nick and Nick changed his mind, the lawyer wasn’t plain or simple, he was efficient. “Nick Kern, this is my lawyer, Shawn Goodman.” Nick stuck out his hand. “Nice to meet you.” “Likewise. Look, Epi if you’ve a new boyfriend you needed to tell me that.” “Nick isn’t my boyfriend. He’s the guy living in the apartment at the house I bought and driving

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me around and making sure I don’t crack my head in or have a seizure or something.” “But…” Nick knew he was going to blush and was grateful he was tanned enough to hide it. “We’re not involved.” “Huh, well no offense intended.” “None taken.” Nick muttered back. “Nick is going in there with me.” “It’s your right, Epi. You sure you’re up for this?” “I’m fine.” “If you say so. Just remember, if you don’t understand the question, don’t answer it. Ask for it to be rephrased or ask me to have them rephrase it. If you answer it, they’ll assume you knew what they meant. Don’t answer anything until the other lawyer is done speaking, give it a second and then answer. If you don’t know or can’t remember it’s okay to say you don’t know or to give your best guess but tell them you are estimating. Got it?” Shawn spilled out as they moved across the lobby and down a hall way to the reserved conference room. “I understand.” “Don’t worry, I’m not going to let them bully you.” Epi nodded. “I know, you’ve always taken care of things.” Shawn stopped with his hand on the door knob. “Look, Epi, generally with this sort of thing I’d tell you to answer as short and crisply as you can, yes, no, answers and not to give up more than that. But all they have here is your story and your story of that day proves this case doesn’t have any merit. Be honest, tell them what happened, answer as fully as you can. If they go to far I’ll let you know but we’re going to take this statement today and ask for the suit to be dismissed. So be honest.” He didn’t even like to think about that day inside of his head, speaking of it freely and honestly was going to hurt. “I’ll try.” “Good, good, let’s get you settled and sworn in.” The room was not what Epi would call spacious and felt almost claustrophobic with another lawyer, a court reporter and Timothy’s parent’s already around the table. Epi hadn’t seen them in over a year but the resemblance his lover had with his father still struck him. They had the same dark eyes, same smile, same nose and Epi couldn’t met the man’s gaze. He was sworn in and Shawn waved for him to take a seat next to him. Nick moved to sit on the other side of the table but the lawyer he didn’t know tried to take the seat directly across from Epi. Nick slapped his hand on the back of the chair and frowned at the man, loomed a little over him and tried to look the part of the belligerent red-neck that would pick a fight over far less things. It must have worked because the man cleared his throat a little and took one seat away. “Is this who you replaced our Timothy with?” Mrs. Ridell snapped out. Epi opened his mouth to answer but Shawn beat him to it. “Please, address all questions through

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your counsel, Mrs. Ridell.” Their lawyer held up a hand slightly to stall her protests but he kept his attention on Epi. “Shannon,” “Mr. Whitmore, if you don’t mind. I prefer to be on a first name basis with people I actually know.” The lawyer nodded. “Fair enough. Mr. Whitmore, before we start, if you need to take a break at any time, please say so.” “Alright.” He had his hands folded on the table and for the time being it was easier to keep his eyes there. “For the record, are you currently under the influence of any drugs or alcohol?” That snapped Epi’s eyes up and he glanced from the strange lawyer to his own. “What the…” “It’s a standard question.” Shawn added softly. “Yes, I’m on several medications.” None of which were any of their concern. “Will any of your medications impair your judgment or affect your ability to give honest and accurate answers today?” “No, none.” “Have you ever been charged or convicted of a felony?” “What? No. Never.” It wasn’t a question he’d been ready for. “Have you discussed this lawsuit with anyone other than your lawyer?” “No.” “What was your relationship with the deceased, Timothy Ridell?” The name alone was like a knife. “He was my partner.” “Would you explain how you define partner?” “He was my lover, we lived together.” “How long did you and Mr. Ridell live together?” “About eight years, we’d only been dating three months when his lease was up and he moved in with me.” “And what is your profession, Mr. Whitmore?” “I’m a writer.” “Is it not true that you live off of a trust fund established for you by your grandfather?” He had to glance to Shawn but at the man’s nod he answered. “My grandfather left me a trust fund, yes, but I earn an income from my work as well.” “And what is the value of your trust fund?”

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“When I inherited it or it’s current value?” “Both.” “It was three and a half million when I gained control of it and it’s currently valued at close to nine million.” “So it’s safe to say that your background and Mr. Ridell’s were vastly different.” “Is that a question?” “It wasn’t until after Mr. Ridell moved in with you that you told him of your wealth, correct?” “Yes.” “So you lied to him?” “No, it wasn’t…it’s not…the money didn’t matter. Timothy had a good job, he was…he was happy.” “How did your family feel about you dating a cook?” “He wasn’t a cook, he was a chef, a good one. They were supportive of my choice.” He forced the words out. “Is it true that your family offered Mr. Ridell a rather large sum of money to remove himself from your life?” “No…yes…but it wasn’t until later and I didn’t know anything about it until after the fact.” “But your family did try to buy him off?” “Timothy had a problem. My parents are protective of me. I had nothing to do with that.” “You cheated on Mr. Ridell didn’t you?” “I…” Epi glanced up and it was Nick’s eyes he met. “It’s complicated.” “Un-complicate it for me, Mr. Whitmore, did you or did you not have sexual relations with someone else while you were in a committed relationship with Mr. Ridell?” “Timothy’s restaurant went under and he was out of work. He got…bitter about my paying all the bills. We were fighting a lot. The only reason we were still together was because he couldn’t afford to move out. He got a job at this crappy little place downtown. It improved things because he was only ever really happy when he was cooking but the other line chefs and staff went out every night. Timothy started going with them, started partying. He got into trouble, started drinking too much and doing drugs. He was addicted to heroin before I even knew he was using. By the time I found out he was doing meth too. He lost his job because he was high all the time. He stopped having a problem with me having money but when I found out he was using it to get high I cut him off. He stole my wallet, maxed out my cards, pawned our tv, my watch, the cufflinks and rings my grandfather left me. I found the receipt and bought them back and the only reason he didn’t re-pawn them is because I moved everything valuable to a safe deposit box. When he couldn’t get money from me he was out partying with other men, men that he was having sex with and doing drugs with. He came home twice with different diseases. Yes. I had an affair. I ran into an old friend from college, we had a few drinks, one thing led to another. It happened once and never again. Just because he was strung out at the time and fucking any

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guy that would buy him dope doesn’t make what I did right.” “Mr. Ridell was arrested about this same time?” “Yes. We got into a fight, he had found out about what I’d done. He left to go hang out with his friends and get high. The police caught him trying to buy and they arrested him.” “You arranged for him to enter rehab?” “Yes, the court was going to order him to thirty days in a county rehab. I asked my lawyer, Mr. Goodman to arrange for Timothy to attend a private ninety day rehab in state instead.” “Rehab that you offered to pay for?” “Yes.” “Why would you do that? Given how your relationship seemed to be over.” “I wanted my boyfriend back.” He rubbed at his eyes and didn’t think that anyone sitting at the table would understand. “I just wanted the man I met back.” “And did he get clean?” “Yes.” “And what did you say to his parents after he came out of rehab?” “I…” He shook his head. “I told them I loved…I loved their son.” “What else did you tell them?” “I told them I would take care of Timothy, that I’d be there for him.” “Were you aware that your version of taking care of him was emasculating?” Shawn tapped his fingers on the table. “Rephrase that.” “No.” Epi stopped him. “It’s okay. Timothy had a difficult time forgiving himself for the things he did while he was high. I tried not to throw that in his face but I’m just human, we had some rough spots after he got out of rehab but we worked them out. He still hated that I could pay for him when he was still out of work.” “You don’t consider finding him a new job emasculating?” “All he wanted to do was cook but it’s a small community and he had a reputation. He’d stolen money from his last restaurant.” “Money you paid back for him.” “Yes, I did.” He’d expected to be hurt and upset at the questions not angry. He was happier being angry. “I won’t apologize for that. Yes, I got him an interview for a new job but his cooking got him the job.” “Did Mr. Ridell feel that you’d somehow bought his new life? His recovery and new job?” “He mentioned….a couple of times that he felt a little kept. I was still paying the bills. It upset him. It was a non-issue to me, it’s what you do when you care about someone. You take care of

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them.” “Tell me about that last trip the two of you took, before the accident?” “I wanted to go to West Virginia to some of the battlefield sites, as research. Timothy wanted to go to someplace more exciting but he agreed.” “Did you know he was using again?” “No, not when we left.” “Was that because you’d become so involved with your own life and work that you just didn’t notice, or because you didn’t care?” “Don’t answer that.” Shawn stepped in. “Really now, Mr. Ridell’s own parents were unaware of his relapse. My client is not psychic.” “No but your client also lived with Mr. Ridell while his parents did not.” “No, I didn’t know. Things were tense but he’d been passed up for promotion at work to someone he thought wasn’t as skilled as he was. I thought he was just frustrated over that and being snappish because of it. I didn’t know he was using again.” Epi broke in. “Mr. Whitmore, would you please describe that day before the car accident that took Mr. Ridell’s life?”

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Is Yet Chapter Seventeen

“We did some shopping, some sight seeing. I had met a park ranger who offered to answer my questions that afternoon. Timothy flipped out. He claimed I was flirting with the ranger. Accused me of cheating on him again or wanting to, I told him he was being an idiot. He told me I should just put a knife in his chest if I was going to leave him because he’d rather die than lose me.” “Was that a normal statement for him?” “No, not when he was sober. He’d often make grand threats when he was high. I accused him of using again. We got into the you-still-don’t-trust-me fight again. I left our room and went to my meeting.” “You left angry?”

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“Yes.” “And did you have an affair with the park ranger?” “No! He was married with five kids.” “What happened when you returned to the hotel?” “It was late. Timothy was still pissed, we fought over dinner and he left.” “Where did he go?” “I don’t know, he didn’t tell me. I didn’t follow.” “And when did he get back?” “It was around seven or so? He smelled like cigarette smoke and beer, I asked him if he’d been drinking because he was supposed to be sober from that too. He said he’d gone to a bar to calm down and someone had spilled a drink partly on him. We got into a fight over that. I’d pretty much had it and wanted to go home. We fought over that as we packed up.” “You suspected he’d been drinking but you let him drive?” “I tried to drive but he…” He glanced up and saw only Nick, sitting there, steady and still. “He told me to get my prissy rich boy ass into the car and let him do one thing for himself. So I did.” “Even though you knew he was drunk you let him drive?” “No…no…I suspected he might have but…he said…” Epi had to close his eyes. “I wanted to believe him.” “And what happened during the car ride home?” “We drove for a while without speaking and then he started talking crazy.” “Define crazy?” “He kept asking about the park ranger and if I’d bought him off to keep silent. He started questioning about people we knew, friends and neighbors, wanting to know which one’s I’d slept with. I asked him if he was high.” He’d screamed at him, pissed off and exhausted from the drama that never seemed to end. He’d snapped and screamed back at Timothy even though he knew he shouldn’t. “He flipped out, told me….told me to shut the fuck up. He told me I was stupid and selfish and thought I owned him.” “What else happened?” “I…I pushed up his sleeve and saw the needle mark. He hit me away, he told me it was a bug bite and I should shut up. I told him I couldn’t do it again. I told him I couldn’t live like this anymore. I…I told him I didn’t love him anymore.” There was no anger left in him, just bleeding hurt and he was suddenly painfully grateful that when he looked up he saw Nick and not a stranger. “It was a lie but I wanted to hurt him.” “How did Mr. Ridell react to that?” “He…he flipped out. Called me names, said I didn’t get to fuck him up and leave him like that. He said he’d kill me first.”

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“And then what happened?” “I…” He glanced to Shawn unsure if he should answer but at his nod he did. “I told him to go ahead. That it’d be easier if he did, that I’d rather be dead than see him use again.” “And then?” Epi knew he was going to lose it. It was unfair and it hurt. It wasn’t a memory he wanted to return to. His hands clutched the edge of the table and he knew he was getting short of breath. The last thing he wanted was a full on panic attack in the middle of everything else. “Would you like to take a break, Epi?” Shawn asked carefully. “I…” He did, he wanted to take a forever break and never speak another word about that day but he didn’t have that choice. He glanced up and Nick was still there. “No, I’m okay.” “You sure?” “Yeah, I’m sure.” But his voice sounded shaky and he really wasn’t sure. “What happened next, Mr. Whitmore?” “Timothy went real quiet. He stopped yelling. The car sped up. I asked him to slow down. He went faster. I asked him to let me out but he just sat there. He…he…God…I…” He locked onto Nick’s eyes and didn’t look away. “He unlatched my seatbelt. It…I felt it slip over my shoulder that’s how I knew what he’d done but I didn’t react fast enough. He….oh God…he unlatched his own seat belt and the car was going so fast but nothing seemed to move…the car went off the road…he never even tried to slow down. It was…it was like the car started to fly but I knew…I knew and I couldn’t get my seatbelt back on…I tried but I couldn’t everything was moving so slow…Until we hit the tree….” He knew he should stop but he couldn’t now. The words had been uncorked and he couldn’t stop them from pouring out. “The sound was horrible and I know I was knocked out… I don’t know how long. It was almost dark when…when we…but it was dark when I woke up. I remember thinking it wasn’t so bad, nothing hurt…I wasn’t hurt….but when I tried to move…Timothy was moaning beside me but I couldn’t see him. I…it hurt so much…I had bones sticking out of my skin, it hurt to breathe…my leg was pinned when I tried to pull it out I blacked out again. When I came too again Timothy was silent and I thought I was dead. Everything was blackness and sounded hollow but it hurt too much so I knew I was alive…I…I couldn’t…I didn’t know…I…I didn’t know he was using again…I didn’t…He tried to kill me…” Shawn put a hand on Epi’s shoulder and slipped a glass of water in front of him. “Take a moment.” All Epi could do was nod. He picked up the glass but his hands were shaking too badly to hold it. “If you can, Epi, would you state for the record how long you were trapped in the wreckage and what your injuries were?” “Yeah…yes…I…I…think it was about ten hours before they found the car, fourteen before they got me out… They said if it hadn’t been such a mild night shock would have killed me but the weather was unseasonably warm. I had…I had been turned a little…trying to get the seatbelt back on so the airbag hit my right side. It broke the bones in my right ear, some metal or glass cut open my face here for the scar by my temple and eye. The airbag caused burns on my right side. I had a badly broken right wrist, a broken right forearm and compound fractures to my upper right arm. My right shoulder was dislocated, my right collarbone was broken. I had bilateral compound fractures of my ribs. My pelvis was broken in several places, both my hips were dislocated. I had a broken right foot, compound fractures of the right tibia and fibula, my right knee was torn apart, there were fractures to the femur as well. My lower left leg was crushed into

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the dashboard and console of the car. I was told most of my foot was turned into ground meat but the bones were crushed and tangled to about six inches below my knee. They amputated my lower left leg on scene five inches below the knee and I lost about another inch in surgery. If they’d taken anymore I would have lost my knee on the left side. I was covered in cuts and bruises, my lungs were bruised to the point that I could barely breathe by morning. Not that I really wanted to, each breath hurt in ways I can’t…” For the first time Epi saw sympathy in Nick’s eyes but there was no pity and no horror. “I had a bad concussion. I was in shock. “I…a passerby worked for the local volunteer ambulance service. He saw the ground where we went off the road was over turned when it hadn’t been the day before. He stopped on his morning commute to look down over the embankment, if he hadn’t… I woke up to him calling the crash in as a double fatality. I tried to tell him I wasn’t dead but I couldn’t get enough air to speak. He heard me though, came to my side of the car but I couldn’t see him. My face was swollen up, there was blood in my eyes and glass stuck everywhere. He put his coat over me to keep me warm and I blacked out again. They left Timothy in the wreck while they tried to get me out. They covered him but I knew he was there. I didn’t really understand he was dead, I kept asking how he was. “They kept me in a medically induced coma for almost a month. I’d been transferred back to Virginia by the time I came around. I had bolts in my pelvis, rods in my arm, pins in my ribs. My right arm and wrist were in a cast for over four months. I was in traction for three months for my right arm and leg. I was discharged to long term care as soon as I was out of traction but it was another couple of months before I could go home because I contracted pneumonia while in traction which slowed everything down. I was going to rehab every day but when I was discharged from long term care it was taken down to every other day and a couple of months ago down to three times a week. I’m still on blood thinners. Standing still hurts. My wrist will never be the same again and I’m told if I’m really, really lucky I’ll go from these stupid crutches to a cane. The worst thing, they worst isn’t that if there was an sort of merciful God I’d be dead, the worst is that Timothy did this to me and now I’m sitting here having to tell you because you can’t accept that he had more problems than just the drugs.” He dared to glance around the table and saw the horror on Timothy’s parent’s faces but he couldn’t bring himself to care. Tori had been very protective of him, he’d kept just how badly hurt Epi had been from anyone not directly required to know. Epi wasn’t even sure they’d known how close to death he’d been and how long term his injuries were going to be. “I’m sorry, Shawn, I can’t do this…I just can’t…” He pushed his chair back and stood up but the world turned side ways. He stumbled against the table and his legs tangled in his crutches. He heard people around him making noise but none of it mattered. His ankle turned and his fake leg wasn’t able to compensate. Falling still made healed wounds hurt. Epi’s wrist always screamed in protest and his collarbone and ribs. He was told that some of that would fade but he held out little hope. The physical pain was bad enough but the humiliation of not being able to do simple things like stand up and leave when he wanted to stung far worse. Hands fell onto his shoulder and Epi struggled to throw them off. “You okay? You hurt?” Shawn asked worried as he tried to get the metal crutches out from their tangle with Epi’s legs. “I’m fine.” “Don’t be stubborn let me help.” “He’s fine.” Nick reassured and knelt down beside Epi. What Shawn had been struggling to do, Nick just did and got the crutches free and set to the side. “Need a hand up?” Epi got himself turned onto his backside and bunched his legs up close to his hips. Getting up

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from the ground was ridiculously hard and one of the things he was working on in rehab. “Yeah.” He admitted and offered his left hand to Nick. It took a good tug but Epi was soon hauled to his feet. He staggered a bit before he found his balance and took the crutches back. Nick let go of Epi’s arm only when he was sure the man was stable and then he moved to open the conference room door. “Straight to the car?” Epi shook his head. “I need a minute. Men’s room?” Nick glanced around and spotted the sign. “Down the hall here.” “I’ll be right back. I don’t need an escort.” He wasn’t so sure he agreed with that. Epi was visibly shaking and it wasn’t from the shock of falling. Nick hadn’t lived through what Epi had and just hearing the accident recounted was enough to make him feel shaken. If it had been his story, he’d want a private moment to gather himself back together too. The last thing Nick would have wanted was to lose control where other people could see. Nick waited in the hallway but Shawn came out of the conference room before Epi came back from the men’s room. The lawyer looked upset and he glanced around the hallway before he approached Nick. “Where is he?” “Men’s room.” “I’d need a moment after that too. Timothy’s parents are a bit shaken. They hadn’t even seen photos of the wreck until today. I made them see them.” “Good.” “They’re not quite willing to drop the suit, they feel Epi isn’t telling them everything but I think they know they can’t win and poking at Epi just to hurt him more…well I think they’ve kind of accepted that he’s been hurt enough already.” “Does he need to go back in there?” Nick nodded to the office. “Technically? Yes but no, I’m not letting him. Take him home, make sure he eats dinner, make sure he’s not alone tonight.” Shawn’s eyes went a little round when he heard how it sounded. “Rent a movie or something, just don’t let him alone with his memories, okay?” “Yeah. I understood.” “I’ll get this wrapped up here and convince them they don’t need more from him.” “What…what were they hoping he’d tell them? What are they after?” Shawn glanced down the hallway and back to the office room before he spoke. “I can’t swear to it but Timothy, well, from what I’ve heard, he was always difficult. Even as a child. His parents kind of gave up on him well before Epi met him. I think they’re looking for absolution. I think they want to hear that there wasn’t anything they could have done if they’d been closer to him.” Nick shook his head. “Nothing he says will give them that.”

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“I know, you know but they haven’t figured that out yet.” Shawn smiled slightly. “I’m working on it. Let me get back in there, just get Epi away from here.” Shawn didn’t wait for Nick to agree and it made Nick wonder if some of his rush to get away was because he didn’t like seeing Epi the way he was now. It wasn’t fair but he could understand. Understand or not, Nick was glad that the lawyer didn’t try to offer pity or sympathy to Epi both were emotions he doubted the other man wanted from anyone.

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Is Yet Chapter Eighteen

Epi was gone so long Nick was considering going back to the men’s room and knocking but before he had to make that choice Epi finally emerged. His eyes were red and his nose was a little as well but if he’d been crying there were no tears on his face now to show it. Other than the little redness, Epi looked as he always did. “Are we going back in?” Epi’s voice shook a little. “No, he said he’d finish up and you should go get something to eat and go home.” A long shuddering breath rush out of Epi and he nodded. “So long as we stop someplace I can get a drink. Christ, I need a drink…” He caught the worried look from Nick. “Just a glass of wine, not asking to do shots.” “One glass.” “Yes, mommy.”

Nick picked a decent place for dinner but nothing fancy. They ate in silence and Nick didn’t force any conversation. Generally he would have picked up the tab but he made sure the waitress wrote up two checks. He didn’t want Epi to think he was coddling him any more than he wanted him to think that he was expecting him to pay simply because Nick now knew he had money. He changed nothing about what they normally did when they got something to eat while out. They drove home in silence too. Nick took extra care to be careful and take even sharp curves and turns gently. It didn’t seem to matter much. Epi was on edge the entire time. He clutched at the arm rest and his eyes stayed locked straight ahead. It was painful to watch and doubly so now that Nick really knew why. By the time they got home it was almost dark and he was exhausted just from having to watch Epi’s tension. There was little doubt the other man would be physically, as well as emotionally, twice as exhausted.

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“Let me grab your crutches.” Nick muttered as he hopped out of the car. He’d never been so grateful to be able bodied in his life or so aware of how lucky he was. One stupid mistake, one split second accident and anything could happen and he now held a greater awareness of how fragile his life really was. “Thanks.” Epi muttered as he accepted the crutches. It bothered him how used to them he was getting. When he’d first been given them he’d fumbled with getting them settled on his hands and arms right and getting the braced on the ground properly to help him up. Now it was second nature as he pushed off the seat and got to his feet. “I’m going up to change, did you want a pain pill?” Tori had suggested strongly to suggest just as strongly to Epi to take a pain pill when he needed it. For the most part Nick had left the other man alone about it but he figured if ever there was a time when Epi would be sore and aching, it would be tonight. Epi didn’t answer him right away, just stared at Nick. “I did love him.” He confessed when he finally spoke. “I just couldn’t take it anymore. I couldn’t do it again, I know that’s selfish I just…I couldn’t do the whole lying addict rehab forgiveness cycle again.” He’d been trying not to look at Epi because the raw, hurt, openness on the other man’s face was oddly attractive to him. It didn’t make Nick want to cuddle or comfort Epi, it made him want to drag the slender man away and remind him that he was still alive. He glanced up carefully and got caught in Epi’s eyes. “That’s understandable.” “I’ll tell you what I haven’t told my shrink.” Epi’s lips quirked in a tight bitter, frightening smirk that had nothing of pleasure or amusement in it. “I thought I was dying, in the wreck, I thought I was going to die. I’ve never been more disappointed than I was when the medics told me I was going to be okay. I don’t know how to forgive Timothy for not finishing what he started and leaving me like this.” The smirk had distorted into a sneer and the deepening shadows of dusk made Epi look haunted. It was more than Nick could stand and watch. Maybe Epi needed tenderness, gentleness but that wasn’t something Nick had ever really been good at and to try to be good at it now felt foolish. He stepped forward, obviously moving into Epi’s personal space and caught the lean shoulder before Epi could step back. It was stupid, it was incredibly stupid, but Nick didn’t stop himself. Before Epi knew what he was going to do, Nick had caught the back of the man’s neck. The bones felt too sharp under the skin and it made Epi’s neck feel fragile like he could crush it with his too rough touch. Instead he splayed his fingers up to the base of Epi’s skull, the soft too long hair parting around his hand, and held Epi still as he pressed his lips to the other man’s mouth. Epi’s lips were a tense line under his own but Nick didn’t retreat. When the slender man pulled away a little, he held him firmly in place. The damage was done, he’d crossed the line and he was fully going to exploit the situation since he might not ever have the chance again. He felt Epi’s body tense under his hands but the lips he was carefully nibbling on softened. That small surrender was more than Nick had expected to gain so when Epi’s lips parted and the proud man actively and openly kissed him back, it was Nick’s turn to be caught in surprise. There was a taste of wine to the kiss, tart and acidic. It made Nick smile because Epi was tart and acidic so it seemed only proper the first kiss he’d stolen from the man should taste that way. His fingers petted into the soft, shoulder length hair, stroked a little along the slender column of Epi’s neck but his hand on Epi’s shoulder stayed still and made sure Epi didn’t pull away. “Hmm…” Epi moaned a little but Nick didn’t catch the tone of it. He was busy being surprised by how strongly Epi was kissing him back, how demanding his kiss was. Once some of the shock

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wore off, Nick was startled by how good Epi was at kissing. He wasn’t at all passive or stand offish like Nick had anticipated and he was enjoying the challenging air to Epi’s kiss far more than he had expected to. Epi’s shoulder rolled a little under his hand but Nick was now too caught in the kiss to remember to hold the other man still. His hand slipped away, down Epi’s arm to rest at his elbow. He wanted to slip his hand around Epi’s waist and pull them closer together but he was worried what would happen if they were suddenly pressed together. “Mmmm….” Epi sighed again and this time Nick heard the weak protest in the sound. The tone sunk in as Epi rolled his shoulder again only this time he stepped back at the same time. He stumbled a little as he caught his balance on the crutches but Epi didn’t fall. Nick let him go. A kiss could only last so long and they’d pushed each other about as far as was safe. Now he simply had to wait for Epi to yell at him or curse at him, he didn’t think Epi was the sort to actually slap or hit him but Nick had been surprised before. Only, Epi didn’t do either. He simply stepped back and studied Nick like he was some odd creature he didn’t know before he silently shook his head and turned to hurry up the ramp toward the house. There was a part of him that wanted to shout at Epi and follow him. He could be at the door a lot faster than Epi could and easily block the other man from going inside. Nick knew he should apologize but he didn’t like to lie and he wasn’t sorry. It was just the timing that was bad and his following after trying to make it right again wasn’t going to help any. There would be time enough for that tomorrow.

Even if both of his legs were flesh and worked properly, Epi wasn’t sure he’d actually run away. Walk quickly and with a fast pace, yes but maybe not actually run. As it was his dignity was spared by his limitations and he hurried away from Nick as quickly as he could. With each step he quietly prayed that Nick would let him go and as he got closer to the door and Nick still stood by the car he was pretty sure he was going to safely make his escape. He didn’t slow down until he had the door shut behind him and had his back to it. Epi’s lips burned. The kiss made lips feel scalded and his nerves tingling. The last thing he had expected was for Nick to kiss him. Some part of him had known that eventually someone would kiss him again, in a few years, maybe more but he hadn’t been really ready for it. He certainly wasn’t ready for it from Nick. More so, he wasn’t ready for how good it felt. If he was going to be honest, it had been a long time since he’d been kissed like that. His relationship with Timothy, while not sexless, had grown strained before the accident. Kissing for the sheer raw pleasure of kissing had been forgotten and Epi had been caught off guard by how good it felt. And worse, it had been with Nick, football playing, be all you can be, pass for straight Nick that had grabbed him and kissed him silly. The tie around his neck suddenly felt too tight and Epi tugged it to get it loose. “God damn…” He whispered into the growing darkness of the room. He wasn’t aroused, not quite but if the shock of just who it was he had been kissing hadn’t smacked him across the head he would have been. Nick was like his high school wet dream of the untouchable object of fantasy, the boy Epi had never even dared imagine kissing. The reality wasn’t disappointing. Nick, it turned out, was a very good kisser with just the right amount of aggressiveness and a hint of surrender. More than the kiss, it had felt shockingly good to be touched by someone not a medical professional and not in a helpfully casual way. It left him wondering about those strong hands on the small of his back or curled around his waist. So good, in fact, that if situations had been different, Epi would have been seriously tempted to indulge in a casual romp.

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It was that thought that reminded him of just what situation he was in. Nick wasn’t the sort of man to actually be attracted to Epi even on at Epi’s best and he certainly wasn’t going to be attracted to Epi as he was. Every broken bone, every scar, every wound was a physical reminder of what a freak he’d become and a sharp reminder that the odds were strongly against anyone ever really wanting him again. That meant that Nick had kissed him out of pity or sympathy. No matter how far down he may have sunk, Epi wasn’t to the point where he’d accept a pity kiss or attention because someone felt sorry for him. That made his face flush not from desire but embarrassment and humiliation and than from anger. Part of him wanted to sulk away and accept that he’d found himself in such a state that he’d be grateful for such a kiss even if it was rooted in pity but the larger part refused to retreat. He’d never had accepted that before and he wasn’t going to accept it now. It was fully dark outside and getting much colder but the light by the garage was on and he could see clearly enough. Nick wasn’t hovering by the car any longer, instead the lights of his apartment were on. The steps up to the small landing were steep and instead of trying to manage them Epi scooped up a few small pebbles. He could toss them up and get Nick’s attention, it always worked in movies, and he’d be safe from those steps. The first one he threw didn’t even make it to the landing. “God, I throw like a girl.” Epi muttered and tossed the next one harder. It bounced off the railing and came flying back at him. The third one somehow didn’t even make it to the landing and yet managed to ricochet back to hit Nick’s car. “Damn it!” There was nothing to do but go up there or go back inside. He wasn’t going to go back into the house, not without telling Nick off and he made his way carefully up the first few steps. His wrist hurt, it hurt awfully and that made him a little unstable but Epi had been practicing and it paid off now. He made it to the top without trouble and heavily knocked on Nick’s door. The door swung open and Nick stood in the opening, in flannel plaid pants and a white cotton tshirt with bare feet. For a second Epi forgot to be angry as his mind whispered that Nick was changed for bed and looked fine. It left him standing there, wide eyed and silent.

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Is Yet Chapter Nineteen

“Epi?” Nick questioned and glanced over Epi’s shoulder. “What are you doing up here? The steps are wood, they’re slippery…” “What the hell was that?” He finally snapped out.

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“Ah…I’m sorry?” “I don’t need your sympathy or your pity! I don’t care how hot you are or how desperate you think I am.” “You think I’m hot?” Nick grinned. “This isn’t a joke! I’m serious! I don’t need a mercy fuck and don’t you dare toy with me! Do you hear me?” “Epi…” “I get what I am now I do, trust me I do and you just leave it be! I don’t need your sympathy, Nick Kern! I don’t need anyone’s!” He was starting to feel even more stupid with Nick just standing there looking like some flannel wearing cowboy looking for his horse and not being angry back at him. “It doesn’t matter, just don’t do it again!” He snapped out and turned around on the small porch to start the long slow process down the steps. “Epi…wait…” Nick moved out onto the porch but the other man was being stubborn and not stopping. “Stubborn…” Nick shook his head. “Let me help you.” “I’m fine!” “Epi…” “I’m fine, Nick, go away!” He tried to hurry a little more needing to get away from Nick as fast as he could. For once it wasn’t his bad knee, his fake leg or his wrist and weak arm that failed him. It was his own stupid, stubborn rushing and carelessness that did him in. The wood was a little slippery and uneven in spots. He’d been so careful going up but going back down in his rush he wasn’t. One of the ends to one crutch caught on an uneven spot, slipped and before Epi knew it, flew out to the side. His weight swung out of balance and quick as a blink of an eye Epi was down. He landed hard on the steps on the side of his hip, his head cracked back and caught on the edge of a step. It lit up pain above the scar his tried to hide behind his hair and he saw stars. One crutch broke loose and clattered down the last steps but he didn’t have to worry about how he was going to retrieve it because his body quickly tumbled after it. He didn’t quite go head over heels but his body skidded down the stepper steps, thumping and bumping as he went. The only reason he didn’t tumble to the very bottom was that the crutch that didn’t go clattering away got tangled into the railing. Eventually he slipped far enough that there was no slack left and his body stopped, one arm twisted painfully up and around behind him. Worse, it was his right arm and healed injuries lit up in pain at being strained again. That made getting enough slack to get his arm out of the crutch his first worry and he struggled to right himself enough to slip up a step to get free. He didn’t have to struggle. Strong hands caught his shoulders and physically pulled him up the space he needed to get untangled before setting him down again. “Are you hurt?” Nick asked as he tried to step over where Epi was sprawled to get down the steps and help him. “I’m fine.” He groaned. “Liar. Your heads bleeding, stay still, I’ll call an ambulance.” Epi snatched out with a hand and caught at Nick’s pant’s leg. “Don’t! I’m fine, I just fell, it happens.”

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“You really clunked your head.” “I’m fine.” “But…” He reached up and felt the growing lump on the side of his head and his fingers came away wet but just barely. “It’s not hardly bleeding at all.” “Your brain could be bleeding.” “Gee, thanks.” Epi moaned as he started to pull himself together enough to continue his escape. The shock of falling had him shaking but he wasn’t going to fall apart in front of Nick. “I wasn’t trying to be funny.” “If I went to the doctors every time I hit my head I’d live there. I’m fine.” He used the crutch that had gotten caught in the railing to lift the one that had fallen high enough to snag but his body felt weak and rubbery as he tried to stand. “Stubborn.” Nick muttered but instead of fighting further he just moved to help Epi to his feet. Once standing, he pried the crutch out of Epi’s left hand and instead draped that arm over his shoulder. “What are you doing?” Epi almost screeched like a frightened girl when Nick’s arm slipped around his waist. “Do you really want me carrying you like some blushing bride back inside?” “No.” “Than shut up.” He held most of Epi’s weight against his own body and slowly got them moving toward the house. “You twisted your knee?” “I’ll be fine.” “Would it kill you to admit you need help?” “It might, it just might if you must know!” Nick didn’t take them to the ramp but instead to the faster steps. He physically half lifted Epi up them and tried to pretend he didn’t see the slender man wincing. “You’re barefoot.” “Didn’t expect I’d be going out tonight.” Nick reached behind him and got the door open. It took a little effort but he soon got them both into the warmer house and Epi placed into a waiting chair. “I got my suit all dirty…” Epi whined and started brushing at the damp stains on the dark fabric. “It can be cleaned.” The last worry on his mind was the suit and Nick quickly made a paper towel wet and came and knelt by where Epi sat. He dapped at the small trickle of blood mixed in the dark hair and where it had bled down toward the healed scar. Only it wasn’t blood alone that came away but something more flesh toned, Nick saw it and stared at the paper towel. “Yes, I’m the quintessential fag, I put foundation on the scar to hide it.” Epi confessed unhappily.

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“Hm.” Nick grunted but he found as he went back to dabbing at the wound that he also was washing away the make up. “Shouldn’t, it’s not bad.” “Yeah, not bad.” “Gives you character.” “I’ve enough character.” He stretched his leg out and winced. His flesh side was sore and his fake leg was knocked a little out of place and rubbing. “I’m fine.” He ducked his head away from where Nick was still fussing. “Just, there’s ice packs in the freezer, if you could snag them for me I’ll be okay and you can go.” He was now officially as physically miserable as he felt emotionally and he wanted to be alone to sulk. Nick sat back a little on his heels. “I don’t pity you. Just for the record.” He waited and finally Epi glanced at him suspiciously. “I didn’t kiss you because I felt sorry for you.” It wasn’t a conversation Nick wanted to linger on. He stood up and fetched the requested gel packs from the freezer. “Want to put a movie in?” “I…” “I’m not leaving you alone in case you are bleeding into your brain.” “Thanks, that’s…sweet, I think, but I’d rather be alone.” “Not going to happen, so movie?” “Nick…I have to change and…” “So?” “I have to take my leg off.” “So you watch a movie with your leg?” He offered a hand. “Come on, let’s get you upstairs so we can relax.” “It doesn’t…” “Haven’t we had this conversation? No, it doesn’t bother me.” Epi winced as he stood up and moaned a little. “I’m so sick of hurting all the time. Oh that was whiny, I’m sorry, I’m no company tonight, just…” “You shut up and lets get you upstairs.” Epi was, for once, grateful for the help. His knee was throbbing and his other leg was hurting almost more. Falling on Nick’s stairs had made him a little uneasy about attempting his own, even if he wasn’t going to admit it. It felt safer with Nick’s steadying hand on his back or arm as he made his slow way up. He had never been more grateful to see his wheelchair than he was at that moment. “I hate this thing but I’m glad to have it tonight.” Epi quickly maneuvered the chair into his bedroom and over to gather his own casual, comfortable clothing up. “Want me to go get you a pain pill?” Nick tried not to stare around the room. It wasn’t what he had expected and could almost be called Spartan.

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“I’ll deal. Give me a second to get changed.” “Want me to…” “Naw, I’ll go over to the bathroom.” It was almost an invitation to snoop about. Nick wanted to peek into drawers and look into boxes. Instead he sat down on the edge of the bed and took up petting the cat curled up asleep there. It wasn’t nearly the wait he’d expected and was glad he hadn’t gone snooping. “I…I know I shouldn’t ask but do you think you could get some of this on the bruise on my back?” Epi was in the wheelchair, the suit crumpled in his lap and a tube ointment resting on top. He’d changed into an old pair of sweatpants and a baggy red sweatshirt, covering himself up quite a bit more than Nick had. “Sure.” He stood and took the crumpled fabric and tube from Epi. It was a shame to get the suit more ruined so he shook it out and draped it over the back of a plain chair sitting by the wall. When he turned back around Epi was easing himself from wheelchair to the side of the bed. “Sounds like a bad pick up line from a porno but it really hurts.” He mumbled as he hiked up the side of his shirt and turned a little. Nick caught a flash of pale skin and red scars along too skinny ribs before Epi had turned and then all he saw was the growing bruise. “Ow.” “You should see the one on my hip…or not cause that would really turn into a bad porno.” He winced as Nick carefully rubbed the first touches of the cold lotion onto the painful bruise. “I’ll be so glad to get off the blood thinners. I had a nose bleed the other day, must have bled for ten minutes.” He glanced over his shoulder and up to where Nick looked very serious. “You’re sure about this? Because if I take all this crap off, well, I’m pretty much done for the night.” “I’m sure. I’ll make sure you get back up here safe too, I bet you’re going to stiffen up something awful before too long.” It wasn’t until the words had left his mouth that he heard the double meaning and blushed at it. “There, all done.” He finished quickly, wanting to get his hands as far from Epi’s bare skin as he could. “Thanks.” He tugged at the Velcro on the wrist brace and with sharp, well practice motions stripped it away. “Put this on the nightstand for me? And can you snag that thing of wipes?” “Huh, sure.” Nick moved because he didn’t like being caught staring but there was an intimate feel to being allowed to watch Epi strip away the medical devices. It wasn’t something sexual but obviously something private that he was being trusted to be part of. “You get used to having a pattern.” Epi explained as he pushed up the loose pant’s leg to work on getting the larger knee brace off. “You take things off in the opposite order you put them on.” He winced as the brace came free. His knee was a collection of scars and now red and angry from the growing bruise from the fall. He handed the brace to Nick and took up the lotion from the bed to rub some of it where the brace covered. “Sad that I’m used to this, I’ve fallen so often. Anyway, patterns, you get a pattern so it’s always waiting in the right order and in the right place. I have nightmares of like house fires and not being able to find my leg so I can’t get out. It starts to feel like a stupid security blanket you had as a kid, can’t see you having one of those but you know what I mean.” “Mine was a stuffed horse.” “Well I didn’t expect that.”

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“Still have it.” “Really?” Epi raised an eyebrow and smirked. “You’ll have to introduce me sometime.” He moved to get the leg off without pause or shyness. Part of him wanted to be matter of fact and let Nick see the ugliness. That would end all thought of kisses that weren’t offered for pity or sympathies sake. With quick movements he went about the process of removing it, the socks, the liner and wiping everything down that needed cleaned. “Isn’t that a gross sight.” He sighed as he handed leg, liners and socks over to Nick to be placed by the bed table. “Can you grab my glasses off the table?” “They aren’t here.” Nick answered as he carefully placed the surprisingly light replacement leg down within easy reach of the bed. “Are they in here?” He asked as he opened the bedside table. “Huh?” Epi glanced up from where he was rubbing at the red, still new feeling skin of his stump. When he saw which draw Nick was opening his face went red. “Wait!”

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Is Yet Chapter Twenty

It was too late, the drawer was open and something purple and phallic shaped rolled to the front to rest against a bottle of lube and a new box of condoms. The dildo and accessories rested on a rather thick stack of brightly colored porn magazines. Nick’s guess had been right though, the glasses case was sitting inside the drawer. “Found them.” He tried not to laugh as he turned back to the blushing Epi. “It’s…I forgot I put them in there because Delmar was batting at the case. It’s not… Tori keeps bringing things up with him. They’re not…I mean…I…” Epi finally being the one off guard and embarrassed made Nick oddly happy and he wasn’t going to let the situation pass without some tormenting. He tossed the glasses case onto the bed and pulled the magazines out. The box of condoms was new and untouched and the lube was still sealed so he doubted if Epi had taken Tori’s hints about the dildo but some of the magazines had a well paged through feel to them. “Oh come on don’t…” Epi pleaded but Nick was grinning and flipping through the titles. “I see a trend…” “Do you?” “You seem to be gay.”

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“Funny.” He reached over and tried to snatch the stack away from Nick but the man pulled them out of reach. “You don’t seem to be a deviant…” The magazines were fairly tame and definitely had a bent toward masculine men and not twinks and there wasn’t one that wandered into anything too kinky. “Thanks.” “What’s up with this?” He flipped the title over and Epi blushed brighter. It wasn’t a porn magazine but the current issue of Men’s Vogue and it seemed to be the most read of the lot. “I like the articles.” “So you keep it with your porn?” Nick laughed. “Are you jerking off to Vogue?” “Nick!” He was bright red now. The other magazines lost his interest and Nick dropped them on the bed. He had to move back a little as Epi made another grab for the Vogue as he opened it. Only his laughter stopped as he paged through the magazine and came across one hot guy after another, all dressed and photographed beautifully. Epi gathered up the magazines from the bed and felt some of his own embarrassment fade when the look of surprise crossed Nick’s face. “There’s a nice article with Will Smith in this one.” “Huh, these guys are…” “Hot?” Nick nodded. “I can loan it to you when I’m done.” Somehow Nick’s efforts to tease Epi had managed to turn the tables and he was the one starting to blush now. Epi offered the stack back to him, obviously suggesting he put them away and Nick took them back. “I didn’t know you wore glasses.” He said to cover the awkwardness of putting the porn away. “Only when reading or watching tv for too long. You should go home, I’ll just stay up here and read. It’s a pain in the ass to get downstairs.” “We’ll manage. Just tell me how to help.” “If I’d just lost the leg? I could just use normal crutches when it’s off but I can’t because my knee is such shit and I lost my balance when I blew out that ear. So I get to use a wheelchair or crawl on my ass. Dignified it is not but at least I’m out of bed.” He swung himself from the bed into the waiting wheelchair with a wince. “I’m not even supposed to stand on that knee without the brace on, not yet anyway.” He settled in place but didn’t miss the way Nick’s eyes caught how the pants leg on his left leg swung freely, empty now of a lower leg and foot. “If I rip things again they won’t be able to fix it so I’m supposed to baby that side. It’s a pain the ass. Grab my glasses?” “Sure.” Nick answered but Epi was already wheeling toward the stairs. He had known about how difficult things had to be for Epi but he hadn’t suspected how the other man had adapted. He wasn’t what Nick would call resigned or graceful in his new situation but he had a silent stubbornness that had dug into his desire to try to have his life back.

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By the time Nick caught up with Epi by the steps he had slipped from the chair and was already making his way down the steps sitting down. “Want help?” “I’m fine, just my pride that hurts.” Nick followed behind him but didn’t ask when he reached the bottom of the stairs, he just moved the wheelchair closer and Epi hauled himself up and into it with a wince. “A movie huh?” “Or tv, something has to be on.” “Ice pack?” “I’ll get it, you get settled in.” Nick moved back to the kitchen and took a moment to wonder what he was doing before he went back to the living room. Epi was already half curled up on one end of the sofa and Nick sat down not quite at the far end. The tv was still off but Epi sat looking straight ahead, a plan manila envelope clutched in his hands. “Want me to find the remote?” Nick asked as he handed the ice pack over, Epi ignored it and he placed it on the sofa beside the other man. “Nick, I....” He glanced to the envelope he held. “Would it be to much to ask if you’d watch this with me?” “What is it?” “Timothy’s funeral. They taped it for some of his family that couldn’t come out. Tori got a copy for me, I haven’t been able to watch it. I tried but…I…” “You sure you don’t want to wait until Tori is up visiting?” “Yeah, he was there you know?” Nick did know. “If you’re ready to see it, let’s put it in.” “I’m not sure I am but…” He handed the envelope over to Nick. His ugly old round hassock was near by so he propped his sore leg up and put an ice pack on the bruised knee the other ice pack he held gingerly to his head. “It’s on dvd?” He shook the disk out. “Fancy funeral home.” He popped the disk into the player and took his seat back after he handed the remote to Epi. The video started before the service. The camera was mounted high on the back wall and caught most of the room as people in somber clothes sat in chairs or milled about speaking to each other. Epi didn’t see any of it his eyes were fixed on the front of the room. Timothy’s casket sat closed under a shower of flowers, white and yellow roses, with flowers in displays around. A large blown up photo of Timothy was placed nearby and the man looked smiling and happy. “Oh, God, that’s one of our vacation photos.” Epi shook his head. “He did look good there, that’s a good picture.” Timothy was tanned with a bit of sun burn on his nose. His eyes were dark and so was his hair. Nick wasn’t surprised from seeing Epi’s preference of men to find Timothy had a solid jaw line and a nice, masculine look. He was handsome but there was a vague look to the dark eyes that turned Nick off. He chalked that up to knowing how things had ended more than the man’s actual appearance.

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“The casket is nice.” He added and it was, a low polished steel grey. “He would have hated it. He wanted a pine box and cremation. That’s his parent’s doing.” “Flowers are nice too.” Epi nodded. “Tori ordered the casket roses with my name on it. White is my favorite color rose, yellow was Timothy’s…I knew he’d done that but not what colors he’d picked. It’s a closed casket. I knew but…the impact did all this to me, he hit face first, it must have just….God.” “It looks like he had a good turn out.” “See the group in white? The chef whites? That’s the crew from his kitchen. He had a lot of friends. He could talk to anyone, you know? Most of our friends were his friends that just sort of put up with me.” “I doubt that.” He glanced over to Nick. “Not one has bothered to stay in touch since.” “Assholes.” “Seriously! Oh, there’s Tori, he cleans up well.” Tori moved past the camera from where he was speaking to someone. He was in a nice looking dark suit but he sat down and appeared to be alone. “Where’s his boyfriend?” “Dillon?” “Yeah.” “He met him a couple of months later. He was between infants at the moment. You just know he’s going to meet some guy thirty years older than him and fall in love and stop dating these children.” “That or he’ll buy a sports car and get hair plugs.” Epi poked at the sore lump on his head. “He swore, when we were in college, that he’d hang himself before he let himself go bald.” “Well so long as we have priorities.” The teasing stopped when the people on the video moved to sit down and the service actually began. Epi sat still and silent as the minister spoke and prayers were said. He didn’t move until people were asked to share thoughts and memories and then it was only to finally lean back against the sofa. “I make all my new cooks take a taste. I don’t care how good they are at putting things together I want to know how well they taste. So I blindfold them, make them taste bites of onions, radish, leek and turnip and tell me which is which. After that I give them ten minutes before I make them line up sixteen water glasses. Each glass is a little more salty than the next. In twenty years no one has been able to do it right except for Timothy. I’ve never met anyone with a palate like his, it was a rare gift…” “He’s right.” Epi agreed. “He could taste anything once and know it in any dish there after. His friends used to try to stump him.”

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Epi’s voice drifted away as he watched more people speak, friends and relations alike and Nick let him wander back into his own thoughts. He tried to sit quietly and just be there without judgment or comment. It must have been enough because Epi seemed comfortable with him there and stayed comfortable until Tori stood up. “I didn’t know he’d spoken…” “That was nice of him.” Epi nodded but it was at the tv not at Nick’s words. “I met Timothy because his partner Epi is my best friend. I’ve known Epi for a long time and he hasn’t ever been serious about anyone except Timothy. That’s how I knew when they met they were going to end up together because Epi never got attached to anyone he dated but with Timothy it was instant from day one.” Tori glanced down. “I don’t know why things like this happen. I keep thinking that this is some dream, that I’ll wake up and we won’t have lost him and Epi won’t be...won’t be so close to following him.” He stopped and took a moment but he didn’t look up. “This is harder than I thought it would be but Epi can’t be here to say something so I…I just wanted to say that Timothy was very deeply loved and he’ll be greatly missed.” Nick didn’t watch as Tori returned to his seat, his eyes were on Epi. The man sat still, trembling slightly but otherwise unchanged. The ice pack on his knee had slipped off and gone unnoticed. He just sat there, watching with dry eyes as the funeral progressed. The only outward sign that he was watching something that had any meaning was how he continued to sit up further, his bruised leg dropping to the floor in front of him and how he sometimes shook his head at what was being said. He had expected Epi to be upset and cry. Funerals were sad occasions when they were for someone casually known, they were heart breaking for a loved one. Added in with the horrible emotional strain of the day, the fall Epi had taken and his being forced to accept help, Nick had been braced for a major meltdown. Except as the service on the video began to wind down and come to an obvious ending, Epi seemed more angry than grief stricken. “Asshole…” Epi muttered and tried to stand. He forgot that he wasn’t wearing his leg and his weak knee wasn’t braced. He fell hard to the rug but his anger moved him to half crawl across the last few feet. “Epi?” “Damn you…” he half growled. “Fucking got off easy…” Epi punched the button for the dvd player and snatched the disk out almost before the drawer was open. “Fuck you, fuck you!” His curses were descending from rage to hurt as he tore at the disk. “Fucking son of a bitch coward…I wish you’d lived so I could fucking kill you!” The dvd snapped in two and still Epi struggled to snap and break it further. “Fucking glad you’re dead!” The pieces refused to break again and Epi half screamed and threw them across the room. Nick approached where the other man was huddled over himself with care. “Epi?” He lightly put a hand on one hunched up shoulder. “I’m fine!” Epi snapped back and shrugged the comforting hand off. The denial when the man was obviously on the verge of a panic attack made Nick half smile. “Liar.” Very carefully he sat down beside where Epi was curled up.

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Story Home Home

Is Yet Chapter Twenty One

“I hate him!” Epi confessed. “I hate him so much…I…” he panted out, gasping for breath but this time when Nick touched his shoulder and rubbed a strong hand over his back he didn’t try to throw the contact off. “I hate him…but…” “But you love him.” He nodded. “God…I…it’s…it’s been like he’s away at rehab and he’ll be home soon…I miss him…but I hate him…” The back under his hand was shaking like a leaf in a hard wind and Nick could physically feel the effort that Epi was making to stay held together. He just didn’t have the words to fix something like this and he hated feeling like he couldn’t fix things. His eyes roamed around the room but the cats seemed as clueless as he was. Then he saw the title on a cd case stacked under the dvd player. It was labeled in clear, neat black pen with the words Vacation and a date a few years ago. Carefully, Nick picked the case up and saw it was a dvd not a cd and the entire stack was home movies. He didn’t ask permission, he just opened the case and put it in the drawer. A little shove and the dvd was sucked inside the player. “Don’t remember him this way.” The television flickered on and showed a stunning view of sand and water and bright sunshine. “Here we are, finally, after a five hour delay…about five minutes from a fruity drink with little umbrella’s on it. Beautiful weather, clear water, white sand annnnnd my Epi is still working…” Timothy spoke from the video and the image panned from the beautiful view to where Epi sat in their hotel room. His legs in shorts, healthy and whole, folded in front of him on the bed. Glasses on, Epi was hunched down in front of his laptop. “He got an idea on the plane and refuses to relax until he gets it out. Hang on true believers…. The beach is calling our names but he may not hear for hours as I’m neglected and ignored for the voices in his head.” “Turn it off!” Epi, the real one, hissed out and sat up. Tears were on his face. “I want to see it.” Nick answered as the video Timothy continued to babble on about being abandoned while Epi worked. “I want to remember him this way.” The Epi on the screen didn’t glance up. “I can hear you, you know that right?” “Oooo careful….the captive writer gets nasty when provoked. The wise wildlife photographer will approach with great care least he receive the wrath of the writer’s sharp wit and tongue.”

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Epi on the video looked up as the Epi on the floor crumbled into sobbing grief. “Ten minutes, Timothy, ten minutes that’s all I need.” The video Epi asked but his face softened. “Five and you can show me how to golf.” “Really?” Epi nodded. “And I won’t complain once.” “Deal!” The camera swung so that it found a mirror and Timothy, alive and grinning, came into view. “I’m counting and I am going to bring the camera. Epi on the golf course is like some dirty fantasy of mine.” He wiggled his eyebrows and the Epi on the bed groaned. The Epi on the floor broke down into wrecking sobs. He was caught in anger, grief, love and hate none of which were easily expressed and chocked his throat and left him boneless and weak on the floor. Nick wrapped his arms around Epi and half gathered the protesting man against him. It took some work but he got Epi moving enough to get them both back to the sofa. Epi tried to curl up in the far corner but Nick caught him and didn’t let him. “Here…” “I’m fine.” He sobbed around short gasping breaths. “No, you’re not, here.” Nick tugged again and pulled Epi closer. It took some more tugs and yanks and pulls but Epi soon gave in and let himself be gathered against Nick. Nick heard the man’s breathing change, instead of letting himself cry and grieve Epi was holding his breath. Each hitching sob he held as he tried to calm down. “Stubborn.” Nick muttered and petted a hand across the back of Epi’s head. “You’ve a right to be angry you know, and to hate him. What he did was horrible. You’ve a right to it, even if you still love him.” The words tumbled across Epi and the last shard of his control shattered. Nick felt safe and steady. He felt like the kind of person a man could fall apart on and have it be okay. Epi stopped trying to pull away and let himself dissolve against Nick. He half buried his face against Nick’s chest and let himself cry. All Nick did was wiggle around a little to get his back against the sofa better and haul Epi into a more comfortable position. He snagged the box of tissue and continued to pet Epi’s head the way he would one of the cats. Nick didn’t speak again, didn’t ask questions or poke at raw wounds, he just sat there and let Epi grieve while they let the old video play. Epi only wept against him for a short time. It was long enough to wet Nick’s shirt with tears but not long enough given all that the man had lost. He didn’t comment, just stayed still and relaxed and let the other man settle himself down as and when he could. Once the spat of tears ended Epi continued to curl against him and Nick let him. Together, in silence they watched the video as Epi and Timothy moved through their vacation, from golf to swimming and sight seeing. It was almost meditative to watch and he found the warm weight of Epi’s body comforting. It must have been comforting to Epi too. The man’s breathing steadied and than leveled out. It wasn’t long until Nick was pretty sure Epi had drifted to sleep and he smiled softly at that. He couldn’t be sure because he couldn’t see Epi’s eyes but the hand that had clutched at his shirt had gone limp. It wasn’t until soft, muffled snores drifted from the warm body that Nick could swear Epi was asleep. The video switched from a beach scene to a hotel hallway. The camera spun around and Timothy grinned. “Time to surprise Sleeping Beauty….” The camera swung around again and the hotel door opened. The room had a far more lived in look than their first day but the light pouring in from the windows and spilling on the bed made it

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late afternoon. Epi was sprawled there, on top of the covers in shorts and a t-shirt. His glasses were on and his hands limply held a paperback book. It was pretty obvious the combination of reading and a warm sunbeam had done the slender man in. Nick had been shocked to see the version of Epi on the screen. He smiled freely and it didn’t have nearly the same level of bitterness as the Epi in his arms. The man before the accident was a good bit bulkier but wasn’t heavy, he’d been decently muscled, toned and slender instead of bordering on scrawny like he was now. His hair had been well trimmed and made him look like some 19th century poet instead of being overgrown and sloppy. Epi from before was quick witted, sarcastic, sharp edged and focused with no hint of the brittleness he now carried. Sleep had, in both versions of Epi, dissolved all of that and left him softened, vulnerable and beautiful. “Epi…” Timothy whispered. He held the camera in one hand and placed a bowl on the table with the other. With a hand free now he stroked Epi’s sleeping face. “Epi…wake up…” Epi muttered and leaned into the touch. Slowly he opened his eyes. “What? ‘m readin’…” “Napping… wake up a little… I made you something…” “Hmmm?” Timothy retrieved a spoon from the bowl and a dark chocolate ice cream hovered on it. “Open your mouth.” “Timothy.” Epi protested and set his book aside. “Open.” With a sigh he opened his mouth and Timothy guided the spoon in. The sleepy Epi’s face went from uncertain to a smile. “Oh…that’s good…” “Dark chocolate coconut ice cream.” “How’d you…” “I got them to let me into the kitchen. There’s raspberries in it too… Open?” Epi’s eyes cracked open. “I can feed myself.” “I know, open up.” “Silly.” He protested but he opened up. Spoonful after spoonful was fed to the sleepy Epi and as the bowl emptied Timothy slipped more and more onto the bed. Whenever a bit of the ice cream smeared on Epi’s lips, Timothy held the camera out and leaned in to lick and nibble it away. It made Nick decidedly uncomfortable to watch. It was obviously a private moment, sweet and tender and not meant for strangers to watch. He knew he should turn it off but he didn’t. He justified watching by saying he didn’t want to wake Epi up but he knew it was a lie. “Timothy?” Epi questioned softly, still a little groggy from his nap and bleary eyed. “Shhhh, relax….” The camera rocked a little and it took Nick a moment to understand that it moved because Timothy had changed his position on the bed. The camera swung down as Timothy glanced down and Nick saw the man was untying Epi’s shorts with one hand. He had a quick glimpse of Timothy’s hand slipping under the fabric before the camera darted back up. “Oh…oh…”

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“Shhhh, I got you….” Epi’s eyes cracked open and he licked his lips. “Turn the camera off.” “No, I want to watch you.” Epi arched a little and his eyes drifted shut. “Tim…Timothy…turn it off…” “No…close your eyes…” Nick knew he should look away. He understood Timothy’s desire to watch because Epi was sexy and erotic but the sight wasn’t meant for his eyes. On the video Epi moaned softly, writhed in small arching motions. He licked his lips and gasped, he sighed and whimpered. Occasionally Timothy whispered soft words, quiet endearments but mostly he just watched. Epi held his breath as he came and released it in a long slow moaning exhale as his body went limp below his boyfriends. Epi’s eyes opened. “Turn the camera off.” “Why?” Timothy asked breathlessly. “Because you’re going to need both hands.” The camera spun around and Timothy grinned into the video. With a wink, the video went black. The video sputtered back to life off and on to show the airport on the way home and than bits and pieces of other mundane things but Nick didn’t really see it. He was painfully hard and the object of that arousal was sleeping peacefully against him. It would be easy to wake Epi up, slip him down to lay sprawled on the sofa. It would be easy to try to steal another of those teasing kisses and maybe steal more. He’d just seen first hand how compliant Epi was when first waking up and Nick knew he could exploit that. Epi was lonely, he was horny too and more Nick knew the slender man found him attractive. He was vulnerable right now from the emotional turmoil of the day and it would be so easy to comfort him in a way that would make his own aching need go away. It would be easy and wrong. Nick sighed and shifted his weight so he was in a more comfortable position and dropped his head back onto the sofa. He couldn’t very well wake Epi up and excuse himself to jerk off. Epi would remember how the video ended and never forgive him for watching. There was nothing to do but wait and be miserable, which seemed like just punishment for having watched what he knew he shouldn’t have. Only, as time passed and his body slowly settled down, Nick knew it wasn’t just punishment because the memory of Epi lost in pleasure was going to haunt him.

His arm was asleep and his neck hurt but as he tried to shift himself into a more comfortable position Nick found himself weighted down. Sleep fogged his mind but he knew the feeling of waking up with another body. He slipped along a lean back and nuzzled against soft loose hair. Only the body in his arms didn’t snuggle back. Instead it tensed up and that wasn’t a reaction Nick was used to getting from his lovers. It wasn’t a lover in his arms. It was Epi. Memory as well as the smell of the man’s cologne reminded him of the night before and Nick woke up with a startled jerk. Rumba hissed at him for moving and moved away with a swish of her tail but Epi didn’t seem in any rush to escape his arms. The video from the night before was playing again on the television and Nick figured it was that more than anything that kept Epi still and in place.

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“Awake, huh?” Epi finally whispered but he didn’t so much as twitch. Nick became overly aware of the warmth from Epi’s body and more, how good it felt to be half curled around the other man. “Fell asleep…” “You think?” Epi squirmed a little but only enough to slip a hand up to wipe at his face. That was the only hint that Epi gave that he’d been crying again and Nick ignored it. “How long…how much of this tape did you watch?” “Huh?” Nick grunted and was glad that Epi couldn’t see the slight blush that crept across his face. “Not long, fell asleep too.” “Stupid vacation. We should get up before the cats eat us. They’ve been circling and meowing so they must be out of food.” Nick shifted his weight to free the crick from his neck and let blood flow back into his trapped arm but he didn’t let Epi go. “Are you okay?” A strong hand slid over Epi’s stomach and his brain melted. Nick purred something behind him but he was too caught up on the feel of that hand over his shirt that he didn’t really listen. “Huh?”

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Is Yet Chapter Twenty Two

“You’re okay?” “Oh, yeah, I’m fine.” “Liar.” “What do you want me to say?” Epi whispered. It was easier to talk with Nick tucked behind him. He found it impossible to say anything truthful with people looking at him, studying him for weakness, but tucked there under a strong arm, his head resting against Nick, he was able to at least try. “Want me to say that every day I hate that I wake up? That I hate myself for still loving him? That I hate myself for even considering forgiving him? There’s nothing I can say to make any of this shit better so yeah, I’m fine and I’m lying but I’m still here.” The honesty surprised Nick and his hand tightened its grip on Epi’s stomach. “I like that you’re still here.” The hitched feel of Epi’s breath below his fingers sent tingles along Nick’s nerves.

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“You lie all you need to, just stay here.” The hand on his stomach drifted higher. If it had been Timothy behind him Epi would have had little doubt where that quiet touch was leading but it wasn’t his lost lover. “Nick…” He sighed a warning but the hand slipped higher across his chest up to brush across cloth covered collarbones before pausing. “We can’t…I…” He heard himself saying. Nick swallowed hard and forced his hand to slid back down to the flat of Epi’s stomach. It wasn’t much safer ground but it kept him tilting Epi’s head back and kissing him, slipping the slender body below his own, touching more boldly. “Sorry.” “I don’t do casual.” He confessed. Epi’s shoulders hunched up and he half curled away from Nick but Nick didn’t let go. “I’ve tried, I just can’t. The last one night stand I had was Tori and I still haven’t figured out how to get rid of him.” He heard the mocking undertone but didn’t like it. “I didn’t mean…I’m sorry.” “It’s okay.” “No…” If Epi was going to be honest, Nick was going to try. “Don’t be, it’s a good thing, I just…I’m missing that gene I think. A hot guy in my arms and I can’t seem to help myself from trying. The more I know of you…I’ll try to behave.” That made him frown. “I’ve never imagined I’d say this to a guy like you but I can’t. Maybe I’m an idiot and I deserve to die from celibacy but I don’t want you to…just because I’m here and…and…a sure thing because you know…beggars shouldn’t be choosers.” “You aren’t a beggar.” “You haven’t seen me naked.” That made Nick chuckle because he had seen a good number of Epi’s scars and none of them mattered to him. “Billy wanted to do you. Asked if I would mind if he paid you a visit.” “Now who’s lying.” Epi laughed too but his own hand slipped up to cover Nick’s. “I’m not. I swear.” “Yeah, of course. Help me up the steps, my legs there and I have to piss like a race horse.” He snatched up the remote and turned off the dvd before it showed a scene he wasn’t sure he wanted Nick to see. The last thing the man needed to know was that he was a total slut for dark chocolate coconut ice cream.

His robe was old and pilled but Epi loved it. It had been large on him when he’d been healthy and now he nearly swam in the bulk of the robes folding warmth but that felt good. The flannel pants, loose long sleeve cotton shirt and thick socks all helped raise his comfort level to a very happy high. Epi made the trip into the living with the wheeled cart pushed a little in front of him. He was taking it slow so his coffee didn’t slosh out everywhere and with that care both his food and his person made it to the sofa intact. With a happy sigh he dropped himself onto the cushions and propped the crutches near by. His glasses, phone and remote were all within easy reach and he flipped on the tv as he got his

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glasses out. It took a few buttons but he soon had that mornings holiday parade he’d set the dvr to tape playing. When the phone rang, he almost didn’t answer it. It was only seeing that the number than made him push the button. “Hello, Tori.” “Baby! Happy Thanksgiving!” “Happy Thanksgiving to you too, how’s Colorado?” “Cold but Dil is having a great time. You should have come with us.” “Yeah well, that would have sucked. I would have been depressed and you’d have felt like you needed to baby sit me and it would have been awful.” “Yeah but now you’re all alone. I feel bad.” “Why? I’m comfortable, curled on the sofa with this really amazing hazelnut spice coffee with a really huge slice of pumpkin pie for breakfast, at one in the afternoon watching this morning’s parade I was too lazy to get up to see. It’s quiet and perfect.” “Yeah but no family and no turkey.” “I have four frozen turkey dinners in the freezer and I’m sure one of my siblings will call today after they’ve had their own dinner and if they don’t, oh well.” “Epi…” “I’m good, really, I’m good. I’m going to eat an entire pie today, I’m sure.” “Are you sure?” Epi could hear voices and what sounded like a party in the background. “I’m sure. I’m fi… I’m okay.” He couldn’t bring himself to lie and say he was fine but he was okay. “Really, now go, enjoy yourself. It has to be better than hospital food like last year.” “Oh god, that was awful!” Epi chuckled. “Yeah it was. Go, I’ve got pie and parades, what more could a man ask for?” “I’ll call you later and you call me any time, okay?” “Okay.” “Love you.” “I love you too, Tori, now goodbye!” The sentiment was a bit more than his bravado could handle and he hung up before any doubt or emotion could creep into his voice. If Tori heard his voice waver it was likely the man would hop on a plane and fly home. For all his words, the afternoon was a moody one. Epi sat on his sofa wrapped in his comfortable layers with his coffee and pie and an ever changing display of cats sleeping on him. As the parade wound down the house seemed very quiet and very, very empty. It went from a comforting aloneness to an oppressive silence. He was just starting to feel pretty miserable when the kitchen door opened. “Epi?” Nick called out. “You here?”

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“No I went to Cancun to go surfing.” “Just for that no food for you.” Nick came around the corner with a stack of plastic storage containers in one hand and one of Epi’s forks in the other. “What?” “Food, you know, real food.” He put the containers on the tv tray in front of Epi and started taking lids off. “I thought you were spending Thanksgiving with your family at your sisters?” “I did and I left.” “But…” “She pissed me off and our mom backed her and I didn’t want to listen to shit on the holiday. So I stole food for you and came home.” “You didn’t have to do that, I have food.” “That frozen crap, yeah I remember but this is homemade. Snitz and Knepp too, your favorite, turkey, potato filling, gravy, corn, the pickled vegetables is chow chow my sister made, shoofly pie and I stole some snickerdoodles too.” “Wow, Nick…thanks.” “No biggie, want me to heat anything up? It’s not really cold out but it’s a good half hour drive from her house.” “No, it’s fine, thank you.” “I’ll just get then.” “No, stay. If you’d like… I made a pot of that hazelnut coffee, if you wanted to try it.” Nick flashed a bright grin. “Yeah, I’ll grab a mug, want me to heat up yours?” Epi nodded. He dug his fork into the hot food and took a bite as Nick disappeared back into the kitchen. It was good, not great but good, solid, real home cooked food but it was the sentiment behind it that choked him up. Nick had remembered him and come back with a real Thanksgiving meal. That broke through the thin shell of being okay better than Tori’s concern had. He swallowed the bite of food and the emotion before Nick returned with the coffee. “Good?” He nodded around another bite of food. “I’ll give my family that, they can cook.” Nick settled back onto the sofa. “What did they do to piss you off?” “Huh? Oh just the normal why can’t you find a nice girl stupidity. My sister doesn’t want her boys to know I’m gay. I hate to break it to her but the odds of being gay go up if you’re a twin so if one of them turns into a nancy boy it’s not because of me.” He rubbed his eyes. “She won’t let me alone with them. Still thinks I’m going to…hell I don’t know.”

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“Idiots. I’m sorry.” “Well, you had the right idea staying home. I wish I had a valid excuse for not going to family events.” “How about that they’re rude?” “Not good enough.” He grinned. “Why didn’t you go home?” “Oh, parents are still abroad and my siblings and I haven’t ever been close. I could go but that would be awkward and uncomfortable even if the accident hadn’t happened now, well, you’d think I was some leper. They just don’t know what to do or say.” He shrugged. “Oh this stuffing is good.” “I ate enough for three.” Nick confessed and felt the barely held in check anger at his family fade away as he sipped the really good coffee and watched Epi almost devour the food. “Hey, It’s A Wonderful Life is on, you like that movie?” Epi shrugged. “Don’t mind it.” “Okay if I put it on?” “Sure.” He didn’t care, Epi suddenly didn’t care at all so long as he wasn’t left alone. He finished the food as the movie started and pushed the messy tray to the side. Epi let the sofa pull him back to rest comfortably, coffee in one hand. Without asking, without needing to ask, one of Nick’s arms came around his shoulders and pulled Epi to lean back and half snuggle against him. “This okay?” Nick asked softly. Epi wasn’t sure it was but he wouldn’t have pushed away from Tori. “Yeah.” “I miss Aunt Minnie.” Nick finally confessed. “She made it okay when my family was stupid.” “I’m sorry, Nick, I forgot this is your first year without her.” “She would have liked you. She would have thought you were a smart ass but she would have liked you.” “I bet I would have liked her too.” “We always watched movies and she’d have cookies just for us. So after all the family stress we’d come home.” “Timothy and I tried the family thing a couple of times. Well, you’ve met his parents and my siblings are difficult. He’d often have to work Thanksgiving dinner so we started doing a brunch for friends and we’d have our meal together the day after. It was nice.” “Sad pair aren’t we?” “Sad? How can we be with good pie and coffee and a sappy old movie?” He wasn’t feeling the least bit cheerful but hearing the echo of loneliness and grief in Nick’s normally strong voice bothered him. He could fake it for a little while if only to make his friend smile a little. “You’re right. You’re prettier to look at than Aunt Minnie was, smell better too.”

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Epi dug an elbow into Nick’s ribs. “Shut up.” “Ow.” He laughed but as he pulled away from the bony elbow he pulled Epi tighter against him. “Careful the coffee… settle down.” “Wimp.” But he was smiling now and he let Nick pull him closer. It didn’t feel like it had with Timothy and it definitely wasn’t like snuggling with Tori but it was good and he needed good to make it through the holiday.

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Is Yet Chapter Twenty Three

“I hate to admit this, because it’s such a cliché, but I would have killed for a doll house as a kid.” Epi sighed as he cut the bright red paper to size and rolled up the rest of the wrapping paper to set aside. “You’re right, that is a cliché.” Nick teased but he didn’t glance up from the package he was carefully wrapping. Epi’s skills and patience for getting Christmas presents wrapped was greater than his own and the slender man had wrapped three gifts for every one Nick finished. “Don’t laugh at me.” “I’m only snickering.” “You’re a good uncle, she’ll love it. Look, little sofas and people…” He pointed to the box. “Want I should go back and get you one?” Epi grinned at the word order in Nick’s sentence and the creeping in of his odd Penn Dutch accent. “I think I’ve outgrown that desire, thanks though.” “Seriously, thanks for helping me.” “Oh, I don’t mind.” “Going down to see Tori for the holidays?” The choice had still been up in the air the last time Nick had asked. “Can’t, he’s going to his parent’s house. Don’t give me that look.” “What look.”

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“That look.” Epi scolded without looking up as he secured the paper with small sections of tape. “The soft, sad, isn’t he pathetic look.” “I wouldn’t.” That made him snort. “What about you? Still doing the family thing at your sisters?” “Short of disappearing? I have to. Want to come with me?” “Hell no!” Epi laughed. “What about to Christmas Eve services? I know you don’t go to church…” “Well, God and I aren’t on what I would call speaking terms at the moment.” He fussed with the perfect crease on the end of the package a little more than he had to. “Besides, I might not be here.” “Oh?” “My parents are flying in. They want an old fashioned, everyone together around the tree, eggnog and carols holiday.” “That sounds…” Nick tried to think of a nice way to put it. “Like one step below bamboo under the fingernails? Yeah. I told them I’m still on the crutches and I refuse to wheelchair my way through airport security alone. So, now Dad is looking into hiring a nurse to come down here and fly with me.” “Without a doubt a fun phone call I missed.” “He said if I don’t show up, it’ll make my mother cry. We haven’t had a full family holiday in twenty years. Off they go to study whatever in Thailand or someplace and she comes back all zen about everything. The importance of family and close ties and that nonsense.” “So you’re going to go?” “Unless I can spontaneously develop pneumonia in the next few weeks, yeah. Four days minimum with my family at the country house.” “I’ll make sure your anxiety pills are refilled.” He heard the teasing under tone to Nick’s steady voice and grinned. “Thanks. I tried to talk Tori into going with me but since that incident with my Dad and brothers he’s not willing to do Christmas with them again.” Nick tilted his head to the side. “What did they do?” “Oh, nothing really but Tori hates plaid.” Epi said it with a straight face as if it explained everything and Nick figured he was better off not knowing. He shrugged and continued to struggle with the corner of the paper he was trying to get to fold neatly into place. It wasn’t working, his packages looked like they’d been wrapped by a four year old. “You should come with me.” Epi laughed as he unrolled the wrapping paper to measure out a section for the next toy. “It’d solve your problem of being with your family.”

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He knew it was only mentioned in teasing jest but Nick’s mind latched on to it. He wasn’t sure he could handle another holiday with his family, not alone, not so soon after his Aunt’s death. She’d always been a buffer for him, always looked out for him in ways his own mother hadn’t been able. He would have almost been willing to do anything to have a legitimate excuse not to go. Beyond his own desire to run away he wondered about Epi’s family. It would be an amazing chance to see how the sullen and sarcastic man had grown up. “What?” Epi asked when Nick was still staring at him. “I wouldn’t seriously inflict my family on you.” “Would you want me to go with you?” The tape stuck to Epi’s hand. “You can’t be serious.” “Why not? I’ll get to avoid my family, you get someone to watch your back with yours and I get the added bonus of seeing what kind of family produced a pain the ass like you.” “You’re actually serious? You’d spend four days with my family?” “How bad can they be?” Epi just smirked. He didn’t want to go but if he had to go it would be far more tolerable with Tori or Nick along. “I guess you’ll find out.”

“Maybe we should have driven ourselves.” Epi complained as he accepted Nick’s hand to get out of the towncar. The driver was pulling their luggage from the trunk but Nick had insisted on getting Epi’s wheelchair out and set up for him. “Could have.” He shrugged. It had been Epi’s father that had sent the car to drive them to Harrisburg to the airport. He wasn’t at all upset about trying to navigate the last minute holiday traffic or about leaving his car sitting in the airport lot while they were gone. “I could walk you know.” Epi bitched and gathered the forearm crutches close by. “I know.” The driver got a luggage cart for them and Nick just nodded his thanks as he helped the man load their bags on. It wasn’t a lot of luggage but enough to have to check them. Without asking, Nick took the crutches from Epi and put them on top of the luggage. “Hey!” “If you could walk, you can push yourself.” There was some fussing about as the driver was paid and tipped but Nick stayed steady and calm where Epi was obviously on the verge of getting upset. The crowds were a bit more understanding to a man in a wheelchair but not by much as everyone rushed around the smaller regional airport trying to get where they were going for the holidays. “Good thing we didn’t go out of Baltimore. Can you imagine those lines?” Epi rubbed his wrist as they waited to get to the counter. “Bad enough here.” Nick agreed but it was almost said as a side note. His eyes were watching the crowds around them and plotting out the easiest and best ways to get Epi through security. When they checked their luggage Nick refused to let Epi check the wheelchair and transfer to an

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airline provided one. He quietly but firmly insisted they’d check the chair at the gate and would be expecting their own wheelchair to be waiting at the gate when they arrived. The woman behind the counter pursed her lips at the fuss when things were so busy but gave in and it was still in his own wheelchair, Nick now carrying his crutches, that Epi made his way toward security. “I haven’t flown in years.” Nick admitted as they moved closer up to the front of the line. “I’ve never even known anyone to fly first class.” “Dad insisted.” He shifted in his seat. “You have those papers?” “Yeah.” Nick had their carry on bags over his shoulder and Epi’s laptop bag hung from the back of the wheelchair. Things weren’t that simple, however. Nick had a whole stack of medical papers and forms. Some gave written proof of Epi’s prescriptions which were safely tucked in their carry ons but most documented the surgical steel inside his body. When they reached the front of the security line Nick already had his sneakers kicked off and took the shoe Epi had removed from his real foot to plunk down on the xray machine. Their quart sized bag of carry on liquids and gels went in the bin and he stacked their bags on the belt behind it. Nick cleared security with ease and he turned to the closest screener with the stack of papers. “We’ll need both his crutches and the wheelchair checked and here is the documentation for the implants in case he sets off the arch.” He explained simply. “But I’m going to have to steady him through.” Nick started to step back through the arch but the officer stopped him. “We’ll do that.” “No, I will.” “Nick, it’s okay.” Epi protested as he scooted to the edge of the wheelchair seat. “No, it’s not. They don’t know what not to yank on.” He didn’t wait but stepped forward again and carefully helped to steady Epi as the slender man got to his feet. The screeners allowed it but the man was frowning as he got the crutches and wheelchair hauled to the side to be hand inspected. Not surprisingly, Epi set off the metal detector. “Over here, sir.” The security officer directed and suddenly two screeners were around them. Nick steadied Epi as one read the medical paperwork and the other took the wand over Epi’s body before quickly patting him down. The security officer’s hand brushed against the exposed metal pylon of Epi’s replacement leg hidden under his pants and his hand recoiled. “Have a seat.” He ordered. The bench was hard but Epi sat back down with a sigh. Having one shoe off made it even more difficult to keep his balance. Nick hurried over to gather their shoes and belongings from the xray machine’s belt as the screeners went over the wheel chair and crutches to make sure there was nothing something evil or hidden in them. Nick settled their things next to Epi on the bench as the slender man started to bunch up his pants leg. “What are you doing?” But he glanced up to see the inspector closest to them turning Epi’s wrist brace over in his hands. “They said I have to take it off.” Epi glanced up and his eyes darted to the line of passengers being screened near by, feeling their eyes on him. “The leg too.” “What? No, stop that.” He put a hand on Epi’s shoulder and it stilled him but didn’t really stop him.

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“It’s policy. We need to inspect everything.” “Like hell.” Nick grumbled and stood up. “He’s not taking one thing off and he isn’t showing you anything sitting here in full view.” “If you don’t calm down sir, we’ll be forced to detain you.” Nick wanted to make a comment on just what they could do with their containment but instead he simply removed another paper from his stack. “Straight from the TSA website, no one will be asked or should offer to remove orthopedic braces or prosthetic limbs and you can’t ask to see them in plain view unless the passenger waves their right to privacy.” He handed the paper over. “We’ll be happy to wait while you check that the information is accurate but in the meantime, please give him back his brace.” Epi looked as stunned as the screener but while Epi’s shock melted into relief, the screener’s changed into anger. They were told to wait there and a more official looking and more police like security office moved closer to them as if they were some threat. Nick just sat down docilely to wait for the supervisor. It wasn’t a long wait before Nick again found himself explaining but his paper with the printed out regulations had mysteriously disappeared. That was easily solved since he’d printed multiple copies in case they needed them for the return flight. There was a short conversation and another longer wait but when the supervisor returned they were quietly moved to a small side room. This time no one asked Epi to remove anything but they ran the full battery of visual and chemical tests. They checked his leg, braces, crutches and wheelchair for chemical traces of explosives as well as confirming each place on Epi’s body that set their wand to beeping didn’t have some weapon strapped to his skin. Epi endured it all silently but Nick saw the tightness around his eyes that could have been embarrassment or anger. In the end it took a while but they were turned back out to the secured areas of the airport. Their bags had been searched and Epi’s laptop had been turned on all to prove they were no threat but it had been done in private and Epi’s leg and braces had stayed in place. They still made it to their gate in time but Epi had a tense silence about him as he transferred his weight from the wheelchair he hated to the crutches and left it up to Nick to get the chair checked and to carry their things onto the plane. It was a long walk down to the plane and to their seat but it wasn’t a distance Epi couldn’t manage even if he moved slower. For the first time since he saw they were flying first class, Nick was grateful. The flight attendants were much more helpful and the distance to their seats shorter. Epi was easing himself down and turning his crutches over to be stowed in the overhead bin with their carry ons before Nick knew it and better, there was no third row seat to have to squeeze over someone for. They were asked three times before take off if they needed anything or if Epi needed any help to let them know and it was a totally different experience from security. It wasn’t until they were seatbelted in place and the plane pulling away to take off that Epi finally spoke. “Thank you.” “Huh?” “For back there, thanks.” He ducked his head down. “I haven’t flown since…well…since all this happened. I didn’t know they couldn’t make me take it all off. I was so…” He didn’t need to say it, Nick could hear the clinging feel of embarrassment and humiliation in Epi’s voice. He covered one of Epi’s hands with his own for an awkward few seconds, squeezing it a little in support. “I know.” He had a good feeling it wouldn’t be the only time on their trip that

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would leave Epi feeling vulnerable and less than he had been. As the plane roared down the runway and took to the sky, Epi caught Nick’s retreating hand and curled his own around it, needing the steady strength he found there to keep his own hands from shaking.

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Is Yet Chapter Twenty Four

It was a painfully long day. They changed planes twice and it was late in the day--even with traveling west and chasing the sun--when they finally touched down in Ontario, California. Epi had to be helped to stand, he’d grown so stiff from sitting in one place for so long and the change in pressure and weather had made all his joints ache. Before he had to ask, Nick had moved to help and together they finally left a plane without having to get on another one right away. “I’m too young to feel this old.” He bitched as he got his crutches under him. “You steady?” “Yeah.” Nick nodded and moved to gather their bags from the overhead storage. First class was allowed to exit the plane first but he wasn’t going to rush Epi to move faster than he was able. He had offered to get out one of Epi’s pain pills but the slender man had clenched his jaw and refused. He regretted not forcing the issue when he saw the poorly hidden pain on Epi’s face as they stood waiting for the flight crew to deliver his wheelchair. When it finally arrived, Epi almost collapsed into it. “It seems I’ve another reason to hate traveling.” He groaned and held the crutches close. “Which sibling do you think drew the short stick and had to come get us?” “I doubt it was like that.” Epi just snorted a little. He tried to hide the wince of pain his wrist shot across his nerves when he started to wheel himself forward. Either he didn’t hide it well or Nick just knew because before he could get any forward progress started Nick was pushing him. Generally he would have snapped out a protest but he was too tired and in too much pain to worry about his pride. “Oh it wasn’t drawn straws, it’s Jerry. He’s my oldest brother.” Epi nodded with his chin to a man standing just on the other side of security. Nick spotted him right away. His hair was as dark as Epi’s but cut short and in a tidy, professional

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way. He saw similarities, they had the same nose and forehead but their jawlines were different. While Epi was burned down to slender, lean muscles from illness and rehab, Nick had seen him at his prime in the vacation videos. He’d never been a overly solid man but his oldest brother was built like a linebacker. He was tall and broad and now carried a good extra fifty pounds of padding. Not that he was really fat, just solid and thick while Epi had been slender and lean. The solitary man spotted them and waved. Epi raised a hand in greeting but his smile was forced and fake. “His wife left him last year and she has the kids this year. Don’t ask him about it, apparently he was so broken up about it he couldn’t come see me in the hospital.” The bitterness didn’t surprise Nick, what surprised him was that Epi hadn’t spoken of his siblings for good or ill in all the months they’d known each other and here, on the verge of meeting them, he suddenly was willing to say something. “I won’t say a word.” He agreed just before they got into ear shot. “Hell, Epi, you look like shit. Long flight?” “Yeah it took forever.” “Well, its good you came, Mom’s been worried you wouldn’t show up.” “I’m here.” He smiled again. “Jerry this is my friend Nick Kern, Nick, my oldest brother Jerry.” Nick offered his hand. “Nice to meet you.” “Yeah and you too. Glad you could come.” Jerry took the offered hand but his eyes drifted down to where his youngest brother was now sitting in a wheelchair. “Car’s out in the lot, its like an hour to the cabin do you need to…” Nick could feel Epi’s frustration at a tone that would have been better used to ask a small child if they had to piss than a man. “Just need to get the luggage.” “Right, sorry. Weather’s good at least. It’s supposed to storm tomorrow but that’ll just get us some fresh powder. Guess you aren’t up to skiing again, huh Epi?” “I’m still working on walking without falling down.” “Maybe next year.” His brother added too quickly on their way to baggage claim. “How about you, Nick? You ski?” “No, never been. I used to surf, badly but that was years ago.” “You were a surfer?” Epi turned to glance up at Nick and tried to picture him in a wetsuit. “Long time ago.” “Bet you’d pick up snowboarding well. We’ll have to take you out on the slopes.” Go out skiing when Epi had to stay home, Nick shook his head. “I’m fine.” They retrieved their bags, Nick pulling them from the belt without waiting for Jerry to help, with little fuss. With the other man’s help, they didn’t need to get a luggage cart this time but it was still a challenge to juggle everything. Nick got them through the door and followed the now silent Jerry out to the parking lot where he knew there was trouble before he had to look up. “An Escalade? Really, Jerry.”

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“What? It’s a smooth ride. The red is a custom color too, you won’t see this baby on every street corner.” “Thank god for small favors.” Epi muttered and struggled his way to his feet. It didn’t take much with Jerry’s help to get the luggage into the large car along with Epi’s folded up wheelchair. Only Epi hadn’t gotten in, he stood in front of the car door frowning as his brother hurried around to the driver’s side to get in. “Never occurred to him that I’m not going to be able to get in.” “We’ll get you in, how’s the knee? Which leg is more stable?” He opened the passenger side door. “Lead with that one, get a grip on the door frame there.” Nick’s hands slid around Epi’s waist, circled his hips with a casual strength he’d gotten used to. “You’re going to lift me aren’t you?” “Just lead with the most stable leg and use your arms to get pulled in. Ready?” Nick’s voice was as warm behind him as his hands were around his waist. He nodded in agreement but all Epi wanted to do was go home and curl up on his sofa to watch some bad movie with Nick on the far end of the couch with him. “I can try.” “Up you go…” Nick warned as he physically lifted Epi up the foot and a half or so to the running board under the car door. Epi, for a change, listened and got his most stable leg, his artificial one Nick noted, solidly placed and used his arms to haul him further up and inside. With a groan Epi plopped his ass into the comfortable car seat and made sure everything he wanted to keep attached to his body was inside the car. “Thanks.” He whispered to Nick as he turned to shut the door. Nick just nodded with a small smile before finding his way into the back seat.

It was dark out but there was little doubt to Nick that they were leaving the smaller towns and heading up into the mountains. Yes, he had heard of Big Bear and when he’d lived in California had even been invited to go with some friends for a weekend. He’d never gone, the prices had been too high and he’d never been a big ski fan. It had felt swanky and wealthy and not really his thing. Now he wondered if he should have gone. The mountains were dark but even at night he could tell they were beautiful. He may have been born and raised in the rolling farm communities in the foothills of the Appalachian mountains but some part of his soul felt called to the backwoods with its old strong trees and steep features. The fancy car rolled through the night in silence, the headlights setting snow banks and plowed roads alight. “I think he’s asleep.” Jerry finally said in a soft voice from the driver’s seat. “You’re pretty quiet, you out too?” “No.” Nick shifted over so the older man could see him in the rear view mirror. “Ride’s smooth enough and he’s exhausted. Generally he won’t relax in a car.” “I’d heard he’d been having a rough time of it.” “He’ll be fine.” Nick reassured because if Epi had wanted his brothers to know about his panic attacks and ongoing struggles with mobility, he would have told them. “How far do we have to

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go?” “Huh? Oh, little ways yet, may as well settle in and relax. I’ll wake you when we get there. Hauling Epi around has to have worn you out.” Nick nodded and settled back into his seat but he didn’t fall asleep. He let the smooth motion of the expensive car sooth him from the near frantic motion of holiday traveling. His forehead rested against the cool window glass and he watched the snow and trees slip by outside. After what felt like more than an hour they finally turned off the main road to a smaller, private paved driveway. Only it was so long and so nicely paved it may as well have been another small side road. The trees were thicker here and the distant lights of other homes and places quickly faded away. The driveway widened out to a long parking area that already had several cars parked there. Nick’s mind drifted over the makes and models and figured the cheapest one still was worth twice his smaller, simple sedan. If the cars hadn’t sunk in Epi’s family’s financial situation, the house made it painfully obvious. It was huge and sat in the middle of a clearing in the surrounding woods. When Epi had said it was his family’s country home and casually called it the cabin while on the plane, Nick had thought of a cabin. Something simple and homey like the hunting cabin the men of his family co-owned to use as a base during deer season. What sat before them wasn’t a log cabin or even a log home, it was a log mansion. Support structures of stone matched the beautiful stone foundations and all of it was surrounded by beautiful log beams. Nick counted no less than five porches and balconies along the front and warm light glowed out from almost two story tall arching glass windows. “Wow…” He whispered as Jerry but the car in park and Epi startled awake. “Yeah, Mom went a little overboard when she had it built. She wanted it to be big enough for all of us but most of the year it’s just rented out.” “How many square feet?” “Not counting the decks? About ten thousand square feet. There’s a caretaker’s cottage down that way and a tool shed garage too plus the decks.” “Mom’s idea of getting a space to get us all together is one so large we can get lost in and never seen from again.” Epi added as he rubbed at his eyes. “Let me get your chair.” Jerry nodded but ignored his brother’s acidic comment. “I’m okay, I can make it in. Just needed it to get through the airports and when I don’t have my leg on.” Some sick part of Epi liked how his brother winced at the reminder that one of his legs was really gone. “I’ll need it brought in though.” “I can get your things to your room. Why don’t you two go on in?” Jerry retreated from the car and for a moment left Nick and Epi alone. “I fell asleep.” “It’s been a tough day.” “Damned fuck-you-mobile rides like a sofa.” That made Nick chuckle silently to himself. “Yeah. Let’s get you out and inside.” He opened his door and the smell of clean snow and fresh ponderosa pine hit him like a fist. It was wonderful

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but Nick didn’t linger. Epi already had his door open and was impatiently sliding from his car seat. “Easy.” Nick warned and hurried over to get his hands around the slender man’s waist. “Wouldn’t want to fall…” Epi complained but he let Nick half pick him up and easy him to the ground below. Nick grinned. “Nearest hospital looks to be a ways away.” The grin fled when he caught Epi’s eyes, his hands around the man’s waist, their bodies a little too close together. He firmly told his libido that Epi was off limits and stepped back. “Can you balance?” “I’m fine.” He wasn’t fine. He hurt everywhere and now was a little lightheaded from the smell of crisp pine trees and Nick’s cologne. It made him dizzy and he blamed it on still being half asleep and still exhausted. He felt a little bad that his brother was going to haul his wheelchair and luggage inside and Nick was carrying their smaller bags and his laptop while all he had to do was simply walk to the door. He felt less bad when the first steps proved how stiff his joints had become and how difficult and painful it was going to be to get inside. With a sigh and a clenched jaw, he started on his way. Even with some of the luggage, Jerry made it to the door ahead of them. He pulled it open and light and warmth spilled out into the cold night. “Hey, guess who I found?” There were calls of greeting from inside and as Nick stepped into the grand living room he thought maybe, just maybe, Epi had been wrong and things weren’t going to be so bad. Inside the large, vaulted ceiling living room was a tree just as big to match. There was several boxes nearby that made it clear the tree was fake, a nice fake but a fake. Nick wouldn’t have known if he hadn’t seen the box. Around the base of the tree were more boxes opened to revel dozens of types of garland and ornaments. Most were already on the tree bus the final touches were still in the works. It had obviously been a family affair from the glasses of wine and soda sitting around.

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Is Yet Chapter Twenty Five

In one of the lodge style lounge chairs a teenage boy slumped, lost to his portable game system and he barely glanced up as they came in. Around the tree were two teenage girls, Nick guessed the oldest was maybe sixteen and the younger thirteen but girls at that age often looked older than they were. He did notice that their sweaters, jeans and shoes were well made designer and quietly trendy and worth more than he’d ever spent on an outfit. The boy had lighter hair than Epi, still a dark brown but no where close to Epi’s black but he had enough features in common that Nick figured he was his nephew. The girls had hair lighter still, brown with gold highlights but they had Epi’s eyes and there was no doubt they were related.

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If the teens looked vaguely like Epi, his siblings looked a lot like Epi. There was no doubt in Nick’s mind which of the adults were in laws and which were his siblings. They all had dark brown hair, not Epi’s black, and similar dark brown eyes with his sister’s more hazel than brown. Unlike Jerry, Epi’s other brother had the larger build without the extra weight and while his sister had his more slender frame. Which made sense when Nick spotted Epi’s parents. His father was built like Epi’s brothers, a tall, broad, powerful looking man with bright clever eyes and a mostly gray white hair. He’d put on weight around his middle but stained trim with a vital active look to him. Epi’s mother was maybe five feet four and looked like her husband could pick her up and snap her in two. She wasn’t just slender, she was fine boned and delicate and it was obvious that Epi and her daughter took far more after her. Her hair was styled into soft waves that tumbled around her shoulders but was dyed a light brown. They were elegant and graceful and rushed over when they came in. “Epi!” His mother called out and hurried over. “Thought you’d never get here!” She tossed her arms out as if she meant to hug him but grew flustered at the crutches and pulled back. “You look exhausted.” “Hi, Mom.” “Brian, help me get their shit in.” Jerry called out and the man Nick pegged as Epi’s other brother moved from where he hovered behind their father. “Mom, Dad, this is my friend, Nick Kern. Nick, my mother Tilda, my dad Patrick. The guy helping Jerry is my second oldest brother Brian, this here is my sister Amanda. The girls are Brian’s daughters Jenny and Madison and Rebecca is Brain’s wife and Jim is Amanda’s husband and their son is Mike.” Epi introduced quickly. There were warm smiles and hellos and Nick nodded back to them. “Don’t worry.” Tolda smiled. “We won’t expect you to remember a single name tomorrow.” That made Nick laugh a little. “Did I look so shell shocked?” “A little.” She smiled. “Now both of you, get inside before you freeze to death in the draft.” They were ushered a little into the house but there was an awkward moment when Brian brought Epi’s wheelchair in and unfolded it, leaving it to sit alone and empty by the door. Epi brushed it off and let his family guide them into the living room and before Nick knew it he was being seated at one of the comfortable sofas, a glass of wine pressed into his hands and swept away with small talk. Epi had waved the drink off but it wasn’t long, even without the alcohol, before the stories of work and quiet family life soon had him half dozing where he was slumped on the sofa. Nick was used to Epi nodding off while they were watching tv. Some nights it seemed that Epi would struggle to stay awake just to avoid going to sleep and he preferred to drift off on the sofa than admit how tired he was. So when he nodded off, Nick didn’t really notice but his family all seemed to be trying very hard to pretend to not notice. “He’s fine, you know.” Nick finally said when there came a break in the conversation. “He’s just tired.” “He looks so…” His mother started but shook her head. It was Epi’s sister that snorted a little. “He looks like hell. He’s lost so much weight.”

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“He’s eating but rehab’s been hard on him.” “We should have stopped in and seen him.” Epi’s sister in law Rebecca added with an I-told-youso look to Brian. “We called but he asked us not to and he’s always been so private.” “I can’t say what for about that.” “Well, it was good of you to come with him. Just would have seemed odd not having him here. Even if he does look so poorly.” Tilda nodded. “I can hear you mother.” Epi answered and finally lifted his head to rub at his eyes. “Sleepy head is back among the living.” She chirped back and Nick was starting to see where Epi had learned to hide how he really felt. “Come along you two, both of you now, let’s get you settled in so you can get some sleep. They’ll be time to catch up tomorrow.” Epi didn’t protest, which was a measure of how tired he was but he had to scoot to the edge of the sofa and lean heavily on his crutches to get to his feet. Nick was used to seeing it. He didn’t know Epi any other way, but it surprised his family. They sat silently around, watching openly as he swayed a little before finding his balance. Nick noticed so he knew Epi noticed but they both pretended not to. He gathered up their smaller bags and Epi’s laptop, dropped them onto the wheelchair and followed behind Epi and his mother. Thankfully, she didn’t lead them to one of the staircases but instead down a hallway. Nick wasn’t sure Epi could make it up stairs right now or that his pride could handle his mother knowing he couldn’t. “I hope you boys don’t mind, it’s kind of away from the other rooms. It’s supposed to be a second master suite but it just seemed perfect for you.” Tilda explained more to Nick than to Epi. “It’s fine, Mom, just glad it’s on this floor.” “I wasn’t sure how you were doing, with stairs I mean. You never want to say.” She opened a door and flicked the light switch. “Well, you two know where the kitchen is if you get hungry. I can’t imagine we’ll be up too much longer, been a busy day! Though your brothers might stay up late shooting pool downstairs…” Nick pushed a little past them to get the wheelchair lined up by the wall. “Well, then, goodnight dear.” Tilda smiled and leaned over to awkwardly hug Epi, an action that seemed to pain them both. “It’s a such a pleasure to meet you, Nick. Both of you, sleep well.” With another of her forced smiles that she and her son both used to hide behind, she quickly retreated from the room. It was only then that Nick glanced around and saw his luggage sitting next to Epi’s and worse, only one bed. “Um…Epi?” “Hmm?” Epi muttered as he made his way toward the large glass doors toward an outside porch to peer out. “Oh thank God, they still have the little hot tub on this deck.” “Epi?” “What?” “There’s only one bed and my luggage is here.”

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“Huh?” He’d been so tired he hadn’t noticed. “Oh, well, house is big but there’s only so many bedrooms.” He shrugged. “Guess they just assumed. I just…if you want to sleep somewhere else you can you go out and tell them. I don’t think I can manage the walk, but the bed is huge. Won’t even have to worry about bumping into each other. I think even you can manage to control yourself for a few nights.” “I’m not that bad.” He was going to stay, he knew he was going to stay because frankly he didn’t want to be somewhere else in the strange house. “Please, like I didn’t see that fellow sneaking out to his car the other night and it wasn’t the same guy that was around a couple of nights before that.” He was guilty as charged. “Okay but that doesn’t mean I don’t know how to mind my manners.” Epi just snorted as he unzipped his carry on bag. He’d been smart and put everything he’d need for the night in that bag. That meant no rummaging around in the larger suitcases to find stuff just so he could go to sleep. “You can stay up if you want, but I need to go to bed.” “Me too, feels so much later than it is.” “Time zone changes.” Nick nodded and moved to partially unpack and get his own things together for the night. It surprised him though, how readily and easily Epi took off the braces and his leg with him in the room. Before it had a sense of defiance, now it was done out of habit with an air of almost acceptance. He moved the wheelchair closer to where Epi sat on the edge of the bed before slipping into the bathroom to brush his teeth and change his clothes. The bathroom only reminded Nick that Epi’s background was vastly different than his own. The countertops felt like stone but he couldn’t swear if they were, the floor appeared to be slate. Under the long mirror were two deep sinks and plenty of counter space. There was a toilet and a bidet, a huge massive whirlpool soaking tub and a slate lined shower room big enough for three people. The towels laid out were thick and fluffy and a small basket was set between the sinks with a good supply of toiletries. Out in the bedroom Epi had opened up what Nick thought to be a wardrobe but actually had concealed a decent sized television set. It kind of disappointed him that it wasn’t a flat screen since everything else was so posh and up to date, but he bit his tongue and didn’t comment. “Need help getting about?” There were no hand or grab rails in the bathroom and the floor had the potential to be quite slippery. “Kept the leg on, I’ll manage.” Epi proved his statement by forcing his tired body to stand and make his careful way into the bathroom. That left Nick alone. He moved to unpack and just didn’t have the desire. Instead he walked around the large bedroom. The wheelchair was going to be almost useless over the plush carpet unless Nick was pushing it, he just hoped Epi didn’t have to get up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night. Tired as he was, he doubted the man could force the chair through the carpet. He would also have to put Epi’s medications somewhere. Nick was fairly sure Epi was past the desire to kill himself, but the holidays and being around family could often push a man further than he could take. “If I wasn’t so tired, I’d beg you to uncover the hot tub for me.” Epi spoke as he half staggered back to the bed. “Now I’d just fall asleep in it and drown.” Nick glanced back into the room from where he’d been peering out the glass doors. The deck

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was small and self contained but it had a small, three person triangular shaped hot tub tucked in the corner. Covered now and shut down but he had no doubt getting it heated back up and bubbling wouldn’t take much effort. “Tomorrow. This house is amazing.” “Yeah, we Whitmores would expect nothing less.” Epi’s voice dripped with scorn. His hands quickly and easily removed his leg and stacked it with the rest of his braces and crutches next to the bed. “Mom loves the idea of this place, says it looks like Christmas, but we’ve never had the whole family here.” “They seem nice.” “They are nice.” The words were what was proper to say, but Nick heard a tone of emptiness to them. It sounded too much like when he spoke of most of his own family. “Oh, these sheets…” “Huh? Oh yeah, Mom has Maria put the good sheets on when we come by. Maria and Paul live in the caretaker’s house. They keep things in shape around here but they’re off visiting their own family for the holidays, won’t be back until almost the new year. Probably had her…” he had to pause to yawn. “Had her put on the 1000 thread count sheets. They are nice.” Nick wouldn’t have believed it if he hadn’t seen it. Literally, the moment Epi’s head settled on his pillow he was asleep. Apparently it surprised Epi too because his bedside light was on and his glasses rested on top of a book he’d obviously planned to read until he fell asleep. He just smiled softly and slipped out from under the incredible sheets to turn Epi’s light off for him. With a sigh of his own he turned out his own lamp and crawled into his side of the huge bed and almost, but not quite, fell asleep as quickly as Epi had.

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Is Yet Chapter Twenty Six

Nick woke a little confused. He was only a little confused because he’d woken in more than his share of strange beds in his lifetime and had gotten rather used to it. What was odd was that he was fully dressed, more so than he wore when sleeping alone, and the sheets were amazingly smooth and soft. He sighed a little and let his hand glide against the very warm, flat stomach it was pressed against. The ribs he touched were a little too sharp under the skin, and that was more surprising then the strange bed. He tended to go for a man with a little muscle on him, a little meat to him, not the scrawny waifs he had to worry about snapping in two. He liked a man to feel like a man when he held him.

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Except for Epi, he seemed to be the exception to the rule. He was too skinny because of illness, but even in the few months he’d known the man he was slowly putting on muscle. He’d never end up a manly man, but he wasn’t going to be scrawny. No, not his Epi, he was going to end up sleek like a greyhound, all focused direction and lean muscle, sleek and beautiful. His hand petted the slender ribs as his mind wandered. Hair tickled at his nose and that was odd too because he never picked up men with long hair. He opened his eyes and a tangled black wavy curl was across the bridge of his nose. His eyes focused beyond the hair and it all came back. It wasn’t someone that was slender like Epi in his arms, it was Epi. He was curled around Epi like they were lovers, his face half buried in the thick dark hair that was too long and unstyled. His hand was under Epi’s shirt, softly petting his stomach and ribs. Nick’s chest was pressed tight to Epi’s back, his groin pressed hard into Epi’s ass, their legs tangled together. That was an odd feeling. Epi had tied his pants leg into a knot where his leg was missing to keep from being tangled in the pant leg, but it was painfully obvious the leg was missing. Strangely, Nick’s first thought was how little difference it made excepting the fact that one of his legs was unable to find a matching leg to snuggle against. It didn’t unnerve him once he remember it wasn’t supposed to be there and it just seemed right to have it missing. What wasn’t an odd feeling was how right it felt to wake up wrapped around Epi like some lumpy blanket. They fit together nicely and Epi was oddly pliant in his arms. His shoulders were relaxed as they never were when awake, his body still and limp instead of tense and uneasy. There wasn’t any underlying tension from being crammed together on the sofa, and Nick thought for a moment that they were so well molded together that when he exhaled, Epi’s breath mirrored his own. It was hypnotic. The warmth of their ridiculously fancy sheets and blankets and bodies pressed together merged with the feel of skin to skin and tangled in the smell of Epi’s skin and hair. It felt right and good. It felt safe and proper. Part of him could have lain there for hours, drinking in that feeling of human contact, but Nick wasn’t wired that way. It didn’t matter how much he wanted to keep things snuggled and stable, his body took the sensations and took them down another path. Nick didn’t mean to, but he found himself painfully hard. Worse, he found himself painfully hard and pressed tight against Epi’s bony ass. His hand stopped stroking the warm skin of Epi’s stomach and ribs and went still. He was frightened that if he kept that up he’d be rubbing his hard on against Epi next, and that would surely wake the other man up. His mind wondered if that would be a bad idea. The hand on Epi’s stomach could easily drift lower, slip below the elastic of his waistband and follow the hot skin down. They wouldn’t have to do anything more. Nick would be happy to just take the proud man’s length into his hand, wake Epi up that way. He could hold him as he writhed, his ass would rub into Nick’s own erection. He could close his eyes and let the scent of Epi’s hair fill his mind. Would Epi make noise? Would he moan as he came? Would he call out Nick’s name? That was it, he was going to have to get out of bed. There was no way he could physically lay there, wrapped around Epi and his own fantasies, and not do something. Epi was his friend, a real friend like he hadn’t ever had. He wasn’t going to mess that up by molesting the man in his sleep simply because he had no self control. It wasn’t Epi’s fault he had a loose wire in his head that seemed unable to care about people unless sex was involved. The last thing he was going to do was ruin what they had, and certainly not while they were staying with Epi’s family. Very carefully, he slipped away from Epi and escaped from the bed. Maybe it was the movement or the sudden loss of a warm body pressed to him, but Epi rolled over onto his back as soon as Nick stood up. Nick froze but Epi was still asleep, his eyes shut, his hands limp, his lips parted as he snored softly. He was splayed out now, exposed, vulnerable and tempting. Nick shook his head to clear it of thoughts about stolen kisses and hurried to the posh bathroom.

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Nick stripped off his clothes and gratefully slipped into a very hot shower. He had a moment of guilt as he jerked off, but it was a passing moment. He doubted a little masturbation was the worst thing the house had seen, especially with the hot tub on the deck right outside of the bedroom. That was a thought his fantasies didn’t need, the cold snow around but naked in the hot bubbling water, Epi so close at hand. The water could be therapeutic in more than one way. He showered as quickly as he could, suddenly uncomfortable being naked with Epi sleeping unaware a room away. It wasn’t until he stepped out of the shower that he forgot that all his clothes and things were out in the bedroom. He didn’t quite creep, but he moved as quietly as he could out to grab his bags and didn’t breathe again until the bathroom door was shut behind him. Shaved, teeth brushed, hair combed and properly dressed, Nick felt able to face the day. He crept back out into the bedroom. Epi was snoring louder now, but Nick still slipped carefully into the hallway. The house was brightly lit from the tons of windows everywhere and the bright sunshine reflecting from the snow outside. The house was still beautiful and there were even more Christmas touches sitting about, but it was oddly silent. Since he desperately needed a cup of coffee, Nick headed toward the kitchen. It was there that he finally found someone, and the last thing he expected to see was Epi’s mother chopping vegetables. “Morning.” She chirped with a smile. “Wondered how long you’d sleep.” “Ma’am.” Nick nodded back and moved into the kitchen that would have been better suited for a cooking show set than something in a home. “Jet lag, I guess.” “Jet lag and my son no doubt. There’s coffee in the pot and mugs in the cabinet above. Sugar bowl is over there and should be plenty of milk in the fridge.” “Black’s fine.” “Epi still sleeping?” He poured coffee into the found mug and nodded. “Snoring soundly, Mrs. Whitmore.” “Please, call me Tilda, come have a seat at the counter and keep me company. Everyone else is out shopping or skiing. Tell me about yourself, Epi has been very tight lipped about you but we were so glad to hear he’s met someone.” “We’re not…it’s…we’re just friends.” “Oh.” She looked up from her carrots. “Well, I’m sorry, I’ve just come to assume my son’s friends are gay as well.” He nearly chocked on his coffee. “No, no I am, it’s just, we’re just friends.” “Ah.” She glanced back to her work. “What is he paying you?” “Excuse me?” “Come now, it’s just us. He is paying you, isn’t he? I know my son, he’s not the easiest of people, even before his accident. Patrick wants to know so that we can double it. It’s good for our son to have a stable help on hand, even if he won’t admit it, but I doubt he’s paying you enough to make up for how difficult he can be.” “Ma’am…” He didn’t want to be rude to Epi’s parents but he wouldn’t tolerate that assumption from anyone else. He wasn’t sure if they just assumed Nick was the hired help that drove him

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around and carried things, or if they were assuming he was hired to do more than carry things, and he didn’t care. What Nick didn’t like was the assumption that Epi wouldn’t have a friend that wasn’t a lover and not on the payroll. “Epi owns the apartment I live in, in exchange for rent I help him out. He doesn’t pay me and I wouldn’t accept pay from him or you and your husband. I helped him to get here because he is my friend.” Her eyebrows rose as she kept chopping. “Proud one aren’t you?” Nick didn’t answer, he just kept sipping at his coffee. “Not like that last one Epi brought home. I know he cared for him, but Timothy was not the sort of man I would have picked for Epi.” She placed her knife on the cutting board and openly studied Nick. Nick didn’t quite glare back, but he didn’t back down. “You don’t talk much either.” She waited, but Nick didn’t flinch. “Good. Epi needs a man with a spine to stand up to him, and for him as well.” Tilda reached over and patted Nick’s arm. “You may be just his friend, but forgive me for hoping your relationship evolves to something more. I think you’d be very good for him and we’d be glad to have you in the family.” “You just met me.” “Yes, but Epi had one friend and Timothy, and now he has one friend and you.” “We’re just friends.” She waved his words away. “Friends or more, it’s good for him. We might not be the tightest of knit families but all Patrick and I ever wished for any of our children is for them to be happy.” Nick had to study his coffee to keep from telling her that Epi wasn’t happy and he doubted the other man had been happy for a very long time. “He’s too much like Patrick’s father. He was a grumpy, snide, difficult man too.” She grinned. “It’s the name, not easy for a boy to be named Shannon. I was so hoping Epi would be a girl and I could throw my hands up to him and say 'sorry Dad, it’s a girl, but Shannon is a great name for her and no, we won’t be having another baby'.” “It’s a family name?” “Oh my yes, we’re not that sadistic. There has been a male Shannon in every generation of Whitmores for ages. It was his father that stuck him with that middle name, family tradition says that Shannon’s middle name must state our family’s success. Since Patrick figures it’s all down hill from this generation on, he came up with Epitome. It hasn’t quite been true, but I’m not holding out much hope for the grandkids to be anything more than the children of a wealthy family.” “Stop boring the man, Mom.” Epi was moving better today, but Nick could see the slight scrunching around his eyes that betrayed the truth. Things still hurt and it didn’t seem fair that Epi would be rested from traveling to almost turn around and leave again. “I’m not bored. Coffee?” “Please.” Nick didn’t wait for Epi to make it to one of the chairs by the counter to go get the man’s coffee for him. It was something they were used to now and he missed Tilda’s look of surprise. “Did you

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sleep well?” “Like the dead.” Epi didn’t miss how she dropped her eyes at the casual phrase. “I tried not to wake you when I got up.” “You didn’t. I just woke up. Thanks.” He accepted the coffee and was glad the smell alone was able to half wake him up. “The wonderful story of my blessed name. May as well have tattooed 'kick me' on my back at birth.” “Don’t be unpleasant, dear.” “Of course not, Mother.” Nick just hunkered his head down and stayed out of it.

“What are you doing in here?” Nick jumped a little, startled from being caught staring at what were obviously family photos by a female voice behind him. He turned to see Epi’s sister, Amanda, standing in the small study’s doorway. “Sorry, I was just…” He held up his cell phone. “Looking for a quiet place.” “It’s alright, just, this room is normally kept locked when family isn’t here. I didn’t know anyone had opened it.” She stepped into the room and came to where Nick had been standing. “It’s family photos and things. Looking for Epi?” “He’s not easy to miss.” Nick grinned and turned back to the line of framed photos. Epi’s dark hair and sarcastic smirk hadn’t changed from when he was a small boy. “True. It’s pretty obvious to tell he’s a fag when you look at old photos.” She stepped back a half step. “No offense intended.” Nick shrugged. “Been called worse. Who’s that?” He pointed to a group photo of the children, but instead of four smiling faces, there were five. “Stevie.” She sighed. “Epi didn’t mention him?” “He doesn’t talk about his family often.”

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Is Yet Chapter Twenty Seven

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Amanda picked up the picture and her smile grew a little bitter. “Here, Jerry, Brian, me, Stevie and Epi.” She pointed to each child in turn. “Jerry is thirteen years older than Epi, Brain is ten, I’m six, Stevie was four.” “Was?” “When I was seventeen we took a vacation in the islands. Mom and Dad had a rule that we weren’t to go to the beach without asking, but Stevie and Epi went. Epi had this thing for seashells, used to beg us to take him to go hunting them. Stevie was trying to learn to surf, guess he figured if they got caught sneaking down to the water he could blame it on Epi.” She touched the faces on the photo again before replacing it back with the others. “What happened?” “Stevie went out, a riptide caught him. By the time Epi got a lifeguard he was gone. Don’t bring him up, okay? I don’t think Mom and Dad ever got over it.” He nodded and agreed, but he knew he’d ask Epi. Maybe not right away but he was going to bring it up. It bothered him that the other man would have an entire brother he never spoke about. Nick kept his mouth shut about Stevie during dinner. In fact, he kept his mouth shut pretty much about everything. Epi’s family did try to include him in the conversation but he could tell his quiet, simple life was as foreign and odd to them as their globe traveling, resort staying, wealthy one was to him. It wasn’t just him, he noticed as the well made food was shared along with stories of skiing and shopping from the day that Epi stayed almost as silent and the few sharp comments he added to the conversation were met with awkwardness. The evening was spent the same with the family gathered together for a while to drink nice wine and catch up with each others lives. Before too long the teenagers slipped away under the excuse of playing pool downstairs, but Nick saw one of the girls slipping from the kitchen with what he was pretty sure were cans of beer in her arms. He was also equally sure other adults saw, so he kept his mouth shut. It was about the same time that Epi pushed himself to his feet and disappeared toward their room. When he came back he had several envelopes of photos in his hands and when he sat back down beside Nick he let them drop between them. The next time there was a lull in the conversation Epi cleared his throat. “Because it’s the 600 pound gorilla in the room, I have pictures of the accident.” He slipped out the photos and started passing them around. “You have photos?” Brian frowned as images of the mangled car made their way to him. “Tori took them. When they told him they weren’t sure I’d survive, he wanted to document everything in case lawyers or insurance needed it, or in case you wanted to see. I think it gave him something to do.” Epi shrugged but Nick noticed he didn’t quite look at the photos of himself battered and swollen in the hospital bed. “Some of these are kind of gross, but he was worried they weren’t taking care of me.” “Were they?” Nick asked softly. “They were trying. Tori flipped out when I developed some bad bed sores that first week, he had me flown to a closer hospital to keep an eye on me.” The photos had started working their way around to Nick and he let them pass through his hands. Images of twisted metal and broken glass changed into images of a form that might have been

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Epi or someone else with dark hair. They were a swollen, bruised mass of flesh, cuts and broken bones wrapped in casts and bandages. As the pictures slipped away the face became more noticeably Epi’s, the breathing tube disappeared, some of the wires and iv’s faded but it was a while before Nick saw a picture with Epi’s eyes open. Some of them had Epi’s family at his bedside while he was still unaware, but as the images showed his healing body, the only person caught on film was Tori or nurses. He only half listened as Epi lightly narrated with soft comments about his first steps or being moved to a new room or his bout with pneumonia. Nick watched the other man’s health wax and wane as months went by, but his favorite was a picture of Epi with his hair growing out and his body slimmed down from illness and effort. The man sat on the edge of a bed in shorts, his newly acquired leg glaringly obvious, but it was the fact that Epi was flipping the camera, and Tori, off that amused him. If he thought he could get away with it, he would have pocketed that picture.

Nick woke the next morning the same way he had the morning before, with Epi pressed to him. This time, though, instead of Nick being curled to the slender man’s back, it was Epi that was curled tight to him, which was a comforting if far too erotic situation. It was bad enough when his own subconscious had him creeping across the wide bed to snuggle close, but it was ten times worse when it was Epi that had sought him out in his sleep. Worst of all, he couldn’t simply escape the bed when Epi was softly snoring against his shoulder. He had to lay there, still and unmoving, and wait for the other man to roll over in his sleep. It took far too long given how restlessly Epi tended to sleep normally, as if his sleeping soundly was in some way mocking Nick’s efforts to behave. In the end, he did mutter a little in a hushed sleepy way and turn over onto his back. Now freed, Nick very carefully slipped from under the covers and across to their bathroom. He turned on the cold water in the fancy sink but nothing came out. He stared at it, still sleepy, and tried the hot water. Nothing came out there either and he frowned at it. “Million dollar home and the water’s shut off.” He grumbled. After a quick check to make sure that he was fairly presentable, scruffy but presentable, he left the bathroom slightly less silently than he’d gone in and continued on to the rest of the house. He wasn’t the only one awake, but no one wished him a Merry Christmas. Epi’s brothers were in sleeping clothes as well and they were fighting about who had made things worse. Their father was thumbing through the yellow pages and calling numbers, but it was their mother that sat looking upset. “It’s ruined. The first holiday we’ve had together in years and it’s ruined! Why are you even trying to call someone? It’s Christmas day, no one is going to come out today. We’ll have to get a hotel, we’re just going to have to spend the holiday away from home.” Her voice was growing ever more shrill. “Hush woman, I’m at least trying to fix the problem.” Nick yawned. “What happened?” It was Jerry that turned . “Pipe broke in the basement, or it was leaking until Brian decided to try to fix it.” He waved toward the kitchen sink. “It’s cracked clean through now.” “I would have fixed it if I’d had the right tools!” Nick ignored them and went to inspect the broken pipe. It was black plastic and not a metal pipe and he figured it would be pretty easy to fix given any sort of supplies. “You said there was a caretaker?”

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The family stopped bickering and looked at him. “He’s gone for the holidays.” Jerry explained again. “Yes, but he’d have a work room or shed. Can I see what’s in it and where the broken pipe came from?” “The only pipes out there are too long and they don’t fit. We tried.” “Oh let the man have a look.” Tilda added. “Not like he can do any harm.” It was with their grudging approval that Nick was finally shown both the spot the broken pipe was from and the caretakers work space. He didn’t ask or wait, just gathered up the supplies he needed and went back to the basement. Jerry had been right, the pipes were too long, but Nick had found a hacksaw and after careful measurement he cut a new section of black pipe to fit. It was a bad spot to lose water, the simple black pipe was part of the main intake and with it gone the whole house was shut down. The pipe must have been dripping for a while because there was a water puddle on the concrete and he was willing to bet the carpet near the door to the finished areas was damp too. The brothers had been right again that the new pipes wouldn’t fit even though the sizing numbers on them matched. What they didn’t know was how to make them fit. He slipped the ring clamps onto the pipe and fired up the propane torch. It didn’t take much to soften the end enough to make it ft over its valve. Nick shoved it in place and slipped one of the clamps in place before tightening it. “You really think you can fix it?” Nick glanced over his shoulder to find Epi’s father standing in the doorway. “Half done already.” “You don’t like us much.” He shrugged. “I don’t know you well enough to have thought about it.” “But you don’t.” Nick lit the torch again and heated the second end of the new pipe. “I just haven’t figured out yet if it’s a general disdain for money or if it’s us personally.” He tightened the clamp with a little more force than he needed to. “He needed you.” “Excuse me?” “Epi, he needed his parents and you weren’t there.” “Epi is highly independent. If he’d wanted us there for his recovery he knew all he’d have to do was ask.” Nick shook his head and turned the house water on. It gurgled as it flowed back in and filled the man lines. “He needed you there without having to ask. Excuse me.” He nodded his head a little as he slipped by the older man and made his way back upstairs.

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“Water’s fixed.” He announced but didn’t stick around to be congratulated. Epi was awake and sitting on the edge of the bed. He smiled when Nick walked in and it looked real. “Hey, Merry Christmas.” That broke Nick’s foul mood. He smiled back. “Same to you. I get first crack at the shower.” “What’s happened?” The real smile fled. “Nothing that couldn’t be fixed.” It wasn’t his place to explain and really he wasn’t sure why he was still angry. It hadn’t been his intention to chase away the rare real smile Epi had been wearing so he forced his own. “Want to join me?” The worry melted and Epi smirked. “I think I can manage on my own shower, thank you.” “Maybe I need the help?” Epi laughed. “Go shower so I can get cleaned up.”

Nick would have been happier at home, alone on Christmas, instead of having to interact with Epi’s family or even his own. The only time he’d had any holiday without stress or pressure was when he’d lived thousands of miles from home and didn’t know anyone. At least this time no one would make any snide or thinly veiled bigoted comments about his sexuality and it was merely the cold distance that seemed part of the very fiber of Epi’s family. He went through the motions during the day. The family retold Nick’s repair work to Epi as they ate a nice lunch and the family split apart in the afternoon. Epi’s brothers drifted to watch sports or play a few rounds of pool or cards in easy comfort while leaving Epi silently out. He wasn’t sure if it was done deliberately or if Epi had simply withdrawn so far from his family of his own choice that they were just used to him being alone. For the most part, the family slipped in and out of the kitchen, helping to prepare a holiday meal that was far fancier than what Nick was used to. But the meal was good and Nick stayed nearly as silent during it as Epi was. The rest of the family was far warmer to each other. The food was good and the wine was poured liberally, but he was caught off guard when Epi’s parents handed out presents and Nick was included. He’d been pre-warned that the parents would have gifts for their children and that Epi’s parents still bought gifts for Epi and his siblings but it wasn’t their custom for the siblings to exchange gifts or for the children to give presents to their parents. He had been ready for that, but not for the pair of beautifully wrapped presents placed near him. “I can’t accept this.” Nick finally managed to say after a few moments of feeling a little blindsided. When he’d been handed his surprise presents he’d expected a bottle of cologne in the small package and maybe a shirt in a box in the other. Instead he found himself holding a watch and a very high end laptop computer.

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Is Yet Chapter Twenty Eight

“Of course you can.” Tilda smiled. “It’s too much, this is a rolex.” “Oyster Datejust, that model came out in 1942. It’s classic and every man needs one.” “But…” “Just say thank you.” Epi suggested because he knew Nick was embarrassed. Nick nodded and swallowed his pride. “Thank you.” The family slipped apart once gifts were opened. Everyone seemed to have a new toy to play with, some new and very expensive gift that was simple luxury. Epi seemed the least amused by it all, but Nick noticed the way he rubbed at his knee and knew some of his distance and aloofness was rooted in pain. “How about that hot tub?” Nick leaned over and whispered when Epi’s family became busy talking around them. “You going in with me?” “I didn’t bring swim trunks.” “Neither did I.” Epi was asking him to go naked into the far too tiny hot tub on their far too private deck. “Okay.” He agreed when he knew he shouldn’t but the rare, real smile from the morning returned to Epi’s face. “Good, because I’m not sure I could make it into the water without help.” They made their excuses to go to their room early, which no one protested over since they were supposed to fly home the following afternoon. If it had been Nick’s family there would have been uncomfortable assumptions and would have ruined his mood. Epi’s family didn’t even think twice about it and it distracted Nick so much that he was pulling the cover off the small hot tub as the water heated up before what Epi said sunk in. Epi was going to need help getting into the hot tub. Naked Epi was going to need help getting into the hot tub. Suddenly, a long soak didn’t seem like such a good idea. “Before I come out into the cold, is the water hot yet?” Epi called out from inside the warm bedroom. “Yeah.” “Good.” Epi pushed the door open and was wearing nothing but a towel and a singular forearm crutch. He clung to the wall with one hand and balanced on the crutch as he made small tiny hops.

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Nick hurried over to help. More frightened that Epi’s towel would fall away than that the man would fall trying to reach the water without his leg on. “Here, careful.” The deck was covered and sheltered enough that the snow and ice wasn’t underfoot but it was still slippery and cold. “I’m okay from here.” Epi had gotten his ass on the edge of the tub of bubbling, steaming water and from his perch could easily swing into the waiting warmth. “Hurry up and strip.” “Maybe I should…” “Shut up and get in here. I don’t bite and how often can you sit in a hot tub with snow covered pine trees a few dozen feet away? I promise I won’t peek when you take your towel off.” He teased as he slipped his remaining foot into the hot water, turning his back to Nick before removing his own towel and lowering down below the water. “Let me go get a towel.” Nick agreed and disappeared back inside long enough to strip down naked as well and wrap one of the large towels around his own waist. “Cold!” He hissed as the outside air hit his bare chest. “Than get in the water, stupid.” True to his promse, Epi’s eyes were shut. He’d sunk down into the hot water almost up to his chin and had his head resting back against the edge of the tub, eyes closed as he relaxed. “This feels so good. My back hurts so much all the time.” “Hurt it in the crash?” Nick double checked that Epi’s eyes were closed before slipping the towel from his body and quickly rushing into the hot water before he froze. “No, with the leg gone everything is screwed up. I’m carrying my weight differently and it throws everything out of place. Chronic back pain is a side effect of missing a leg.” He groaned as he stretched out. “The more I walk, the easier it gets to walk but the more pain it causes. It’s stupid. I’d stay in bed all day but Tori would kill me.” “Maybe we should get you a hot tub for the house, if it helps. Seems like a simple enough thing to do.” “Maybe. My parents think we’re fucking.” The comment came from no where and so closely followed Nick’s own thoughts about hot tubs and naked skin that he almost blushed. “Excuse me?” “They always buy my lover a watch at their first Christmas with the Whitmores.” “About that…how can I give them back without being rude?” “You can’t.” “But, that watch had to cost a fortune, and add in the cost of the laptop and it costs more than my car.” That made Epi laugh. “Maybe. Mom really does believe every adult male needs at least one nice watch. I think your ten dollar Wally World watch upset her.” “It’s twenty dollars and it tells the time, that’s all it needs to do.” Epi shrugged. “I don’t care.”

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“You don’t wear one.” “A watch or a fancy watch?” “Either.” “Well, I actually own six. Two are mine, three I inherited from my grandfather, and one was Timothy’s. He pawned it for drug money, so when I bought it back I never told him I had it. I just had to keep them locked up for so long I got used to not wearing one.” “I didn’t mean to bring up bad memories.” “Not your fault my family is predictable.” “If I tell them we aren’t lovers can I give it back?” “No, just smile and say thank you. You needed a laptop anyway.” “My desktop is nice.” “Yes, but you needed a laptop too. I was going to try to figure out how to buy you one without you freaking out on me.” “I’m not poor.” Nick answered back a little harsher than he had intended. “Nick…” Epi lifted his head and opened his eyes. “I’m not. I don’t have no where near your money but I’m not poor.” “I know you’re not, but I also know you don’t spoil yourself. You won’t buy new jeans until you wear your current jeans out. You won’t buy a laptop if the desktop will do. I know how you shop, I know you’d never let yourself get one because you’re so damned frugal and proud…did I mention you’re too proud?” “I’m not…I just…I can do for myself.” “Well, this time you can just say thank you and enjoy it.” “Easy for you to say…I feel all cheap and kept.” “Welcome to my childhood. I’m not looking forward to the trip back home but God I’m ready to be home.” “We’ll get there safe.” “Can’t be worse than my family.” “They’re not that bad. You were a funny looking kid.” Epi groaned. “You saw photos?” “In the study. You were kind of hot in that school uniform.” “I’ll have you know I can still fit into my senior year uniform. I used to wear it to Halloween parties. It was rather perverse.” “I can imagine.” He could too and that wasn’t helping with the entire naked-in-the-hot-tub aspect

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of things. “You never told me about your brother.” “Which one?” “Stevie.” “Oh.” Epi shrugged. “Never came up, I guess.” He sat a little straighter in the water. “Truth is, I don’t think about him as much anymore.” Epi’s voice had grown wistful and Nick wondered if he should leave the subject alone. He doubted Epi would have trouble telling him to shut up if he was prying so he forged ahead, wanting to know more about the man that had become his friend. “Were you two close?” “Closer to him than my other siblings. The age difference made it tough, and I was kind of a bookworm as a kid. Stevie was…well everyone liked him, he was friendly and comfortable to be around. He was good to me, you know? He could have been a jerk of a big brother or just ignored me but he didn’t. It’s my fault he died you know.” “Way I heard it, it was an accident.” “He wouldn’t have been out there if it hadn’t been for me.” He opened his eyes and caught the worried frown on Nick’s face. “Don’t scowl at me, I’ve been through enough years of therapy about it to know it was just an accident but I still feel…Anyway, family kind of died with him. Within the month I was being sent off to boarding school. I don’t think my parents could stand to see me. Stevie and I looked a lot alike.” “I’m sorry.” “It’s okay.” He shrugged and smiled but it was forced. “I actually did okay there. It taught me how to get along on my own and the education was one of the best money could buy. I liked school.” Nick saw it then, in the slightly wistful and lonely tone to Epi’s voice. Epi had been little more than a child when his brother had drowned, when he’d watched his brother drown. His family had reacted with the pain of sudden loss had shut down. He’d been shunted off into very fine but impersonal care and left alone to fend for himself. Nick understood Epi now, understood why he kept himself so far away from others and why he’d warned that he didn’t do casual well. For all his protests about it being okay, Nick thought it had been a horribly cruel thing to do to a child who had also been grieving. “I was miserable.” Nick confessed. “Yeah must have been so hard being the hot looking jock.” “I spent every waking minute worried sick someone would find out.” “Oh. I never worried too much about that. That would suck.” Nick grinned. “Made the shower room more amusing.” “Subtracting out the whole fear of getting a hard on in a room full of straight boys.” “There was that. I used to have nightmares about that.” That made Epi laugh. “That would have been a wet dream for me, stuck, naked in a shower room filled with the hot guys from the football team. Guess none of them were into guys, huh?” “No. One of the guys, linebacker if I remember, when he heard I was gay took a swing at me at

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our class reunion.” “He hit you?” “He tried.” Epi grinned again, softer this time and eased into the hot water. “Oddly, I found that highly erotic, you getting into a fist fight with some bigoted jerk.” Nick chuckled now too. The memory of a man he’d thought had been his friend suddenly hating him for being gay wasn’t one of his fondest. It was still a bitterly painful emotional bruise but some how now with Epi he was able to laugh at it. “I kicked his ass too.”

The long soak in the hot tub was just what Epi had needed. Sore spots he had gotten so used to had melted away and left him generally exhausted. He eased into bed and sleep clawed at him. The lack of pain, the soft bed and the gentle sound of Nick’s breathing soothed him. He’d missed having someone else sleeping beside him, missed it more than he’d ever been willing to admit. Sleeping was so much easier with someone else near by. He curled up into his normal little ball and gently drifted to sleep. And woke up what felt like a single heartbeat later. He was no longer wrapped around a pillow but instead was cushioned on something warm and living. It didn’t take a genius to understand that somehow in their sleep they’d drifted together. It did surprise him that Nick seemed as comfortable and easy wrapping his arms around him as he was. He knew he should pull away, return to his own side of the bed before Nick woke and caught them cuddled together but he lingered where he was. Nick’s arm tightened around Epi’s shoulder and his breath caught in his throat. He moaned a little and it held tightly hidden pain. It wasn’t some secret fantasy that had Nick caught up in dreams but something darker. Epi wiggled a little to gain enough freedom to be able to see Nick’s face and was surprised to see the normally passive and steady expression replaced with a deep, twisted frown. Nick’s eyes were squinted shut tightly and the look of pain seemed so out of place that Epi just stared at him in the darkness. It wasn’t until Nick muttered again, the mumbled words carrying fear as well, that Epi broke from his own fears of being caught and moved to take action. “Hey…” He whispered into the night light lit darkness. “Nick..?” Saying the man’s name only seemed to make his nightmare worse. “Hey…” Epi tried again and this time he snaked an arm up and carefully shook a tense shoulder. Nick’s whole body jerked but it was directionless. “Wha?” “Shhh you were having a bad dream…” Epi whispered, frightened of speaking too loudly when the only sound in the room was Nick’s rapid breathing. Nick sighed and dropped limply back against his pillows but he didn’t release his hold on Epi. “Shit…I’m sorry…” Epi could feel Nick’s hands shaking against his shoulder and he watched as a tear slipped from the corner of his eye. It might have been that single tear or the tremble in the strong hands. It might have been Epi’s own awareness of his loneliness or the old pain of isolation from his own family. It might have been the darkness or the fact they were thousands of miles from their normal day to day life. It might simply have been that Epi wanted to. In the dark, Epi leaned down. His hand traced across Nick’s unsettled face and the stubble of

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beard was a raspy counterpoint. He saw Nick’s lashes flutter at the tender touch but before he could open them Epi pressed his lips to the side of Nick’s face. The stubble was scratchy but the scent of Nick was intoxicating. It hadn’t just been another warm body Epi had missed sleeping near by, he’d missed being physically close to another man. There was no doubt to any of Epi’s senses that Nick was very masculine. “Epi…” Nick whispered. There was a tone of warning to his name, but Epi ignored it. His lips dragged across the scratchy beard and found the matching pair they’d been seeking. Nick’s kiss stuttered below his lips, uncertain and shivering. Epi stopped thinking about consequences and gave himself in to what he wanted. He kept lightly kissing, teasing, until Nick surrendered and parted his lips. Strong hands stopped trembling as they slid across Epi’s body to physically pull him closer, and this time when Nick moaned it had an entirely different sound to it.

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Is Yet Chapter Twenty Nine

Epi lifted away a little, moving back in the darkness to be able to see the face below his own. He wanted to look to see if he should stop or maybe to put some space between them to see if he wanted to stop. He didn’t make it far enough back to be able to gain any perspective. Nick’s hand, strong and roughed slightly from work, slipped along his neck with such tenderness that Epi shivered from the touch. Nick’s head arched up from the pillow, his lips parted and seeking. Epi let the other man hold him steady and let him rise up to claim another darkness hidden stolen kiss. Nothing in Epi wanted to stop. Before the accident, he would have been slithering out of his clothing, pulling at Nick’s clothing, desperately hungry for a chance to press his naked flesh to Nick’s exposed body. Even still being involved with Timothy might not have stopped him, the desire was so strong and unstoppable. It had been years since Timothy’s kiss could instantly drive him half mad with desire. Nick’s kiss caught him as unprepared and unaware as an inexperienced virgin, swept away by longing and lust that should have only existed in books and movies. “Mmm…” Epi sighed against Nick’s mouth. He didn’t need to be coaxed back down, and he followed as Nick lowered his head back down onto the pillow. Nick’s hand slipped from his neck back to hover just touching his hair. Whatever debate Nick was having with his desire and self control, self control failed because the hand quickly swept up and tangled into Epi’s hair. Epi didn’t have a hair fetish, he wore it longer than most men but generally shorter than it currently was and didn’t think twice about it. When he had a headache, when things had been good, Timothy would let him lay his head on his lap and he’d stroke his hair until the painkillers

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kicked in. He’d never considered hair abstractly, or his hair in particular, as anything erotic--but as Nick’s fingers danced along his scalp it set long neglected nerves to tingling. Nick’s other hand found the hem of Epi’s shirt and soon that hand was touching skin. It made Epi gasp into the kiss he’d just finally been able to gain some control over. Every touch set trails of fire into Epi’s body that glowed with pleasure instead of his more normal sensations of pain. A simple glide of Nick’s palm over the curve of Epi’s ribs was enough to remind him that his body wasn’t just something miserable to be endured but that some measure of delight remained. All he wanted was to forget everything and just give in to the sensation. Epi’s reality wasn’t so easily forgotten. Without the sheltering cover of clothing his body was scrawny and scarred, withered away to nothing anyone could find attractive. He wasn’t the one people looked twice at when he’d been at his best but now, broken and missing a leg, he was several pegs lower on the desirability scale. He couldn’t bare for Nick to really notice how ugly he was and have the moment ruined, so Epi crushed the desire to strip away clothing. “Nick…” He whispered between kisses but the tone of warning he wanted was ignored. Epi pulled at the hand under his shirt trying to remove it, but all he managed to do was pull it forward so now it was gliding up his ribs. The touch made Epi gasp in a tremor of lust as skin made newly virgin by injury, illness and neglect suddenly sprung to life again. Nick’s fingers drifted higher. Up closer to nipples Epi had always been indifferent about having touched, closer to collarbones he quivered to have touched, but the fingertips didn’t make it that far. Epi’s breath caught when the gentle fingertips crossed scars that he was shy about showing, scars from where bones had broken his skin, scars from where surgeons had put him back together like a jigsaw puzzle missing a few pieces. “No.” He muttered into Nick’s mouth and pulled the questing hand out from under his shirt. “Oh…Epi…” Nick sighed in protest as his hand was removed from skin. Epi’s breath was moving faster but this time it was from almost being caught. Nick almost noticed and if he had that would have ruined the moment. Some unspoken, honest part of Epi knew he couldn’t stand to have someone openly reject him for his ugliness. He knew what he’d become, he didn’t think he could stand to see that reflected in a lover’s eyes or voice or reaction. It would have crushed him if Nick had noticed the raised scars, because he desperately needed the moment he was stealing from the night. He could blame it on stress and his family or being half asleep or anything else that came to mind when the sun rose and reality returned but for right at the moment he needed what Nick was offering. He caught Nick’s hand meaning to guide it safely away from his flawed body. Nick curled his fingers around Epi’s and pulled him closer, pulled him to half laying across Nick’s chest. Epi squirmed and his hand recoiled from the surprisingly intimate contact of Nick’s fingers entwined with his own. He felt Nick’s kiss stutter in confusion below his mouth and didn’t want to stop to explain. He quickly gathered Nick’s hand up and guided it to rest along the small of his back safely over his clothing. As Nick’s fingers splayed out and tried again to pull him close, Epi wiggled a bit and half slid from where he was resting against Nick’s body. All he wanted to do was retreat far enough away that they weren’t so tightly pressed together. Nick didn’t seem to agree with his plan, he moaned a protest and the hand on the small of Epi’s back clenched into the fabric of his shirt. Epi managed to escape just enough that he was half laying on his side. It forced him to lean up on an elbow to keep kissing Nick, but moved his aching length safely away from Nick’s own anatomy. He’d been dangerously close to grinding hard into the stronger man and it was an easy step to sex from dry humping. Epi wasn’t ready to be nude with another man, even in the dark, there was no way he was ready

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to even think about sex. Besides, what would happen? Was Nick a top or bottom? Epi wasn’t overly fussy but had tended to top with Timothy. He figured Nick was a top but from how he was letting Epi hover over him and move his hands to where Epi wanted them, he was starting to wonder. Either thought was some distant dirty fantasy in Epi’s mind, Nick below him, writhing, begging for it harder or Nick over him, parting him, taking him, filling him. The fantasy scared the hell out of him and turned him on more than he’d ever been. Before he knew what he was doing he was hovering over Nick more, half pinning him down with the arm he was propped on. His mouth attacked Nick’s, taking control of the teasing contact, taking it deeper. This time when Nick pulled at him to move him closer, Epi let himself be drawn back in. He let his aching cock press hard into the side of Nick’s hip and it felt indecently good. That simple contact of having another warm, wanting body to press against mingled with the teasing give and take of their kiss almost pushed Epi beyond his control. He’d only known the cold, solitary comforts of his own hand for too long. Worse, recently he’d been approaching masturbation as a chore, something to get done and get out of the way to allow him a clear head to focus on other things. Some part of his mind had completely surrendered the notion of pleasure and delight away as no longer belonging to him. Nick moaning against his mouth, his hand grasping at him to draw him closer, with such simple actions revived things Epi had thought lost forever. Before he knew what he was doing, his free hand had disappeared under Nick’s shirt. It was stubborn and silly to deny Nick the right to touch his bare skin while expecting the man to accept a one sided molestation, but Epi wasn’t able to think clearly. He needed to touch, needed to know what Nick’s skin would feel like under his hand. Since Nick moaned a happy, pleased sound and not a protest, Epi wasn’t going to stop simply because it was one sided. Nick’s stomach was hard and flat. His skin felt flushed and too warm, fevered, and it made Epi feel heady and drunk to think he was the cause of that. His index finger found and circled the divot of Nick’s belly button and it made Nick buck a little at the soft, ticklish teasing touch. Epi was surprised that the stoic Nick was ticklish and he had a flashed moment of twitching his fingers over Nick’s ribs and making him writhe and beg for mercy, of reducing him to giggled helplessness. Before Epi could attack, his fingers found a soft rustle of hair. The line was thin, sparse but there, and his fingers traced it a little to extend upwards and downwards. Epi indulged his need to touch enough to follow that slender line up and was pleased to find a sparse patch of soft chest hair. Nick wasn’t hairy but neither was he hairless. He spread his hand wide and the patch of hair wasn’t even as wide as his palm. Enough to scream male, vital, alive, delicious male and the feel made Epi rub himself hard against Nick’s hip. It must have been a pleasant sensation all the way around. Nick moaned sharply as Epi ground into him. Epi tried to regain his senses enough to pull his hips back a little but found Nick wasn’t willing to surrender totally. The hand on Epi’s back instantly retreated downward, over what little curve Epi had to his ass to find a tighter grip than he’d had on Epi’s shirt. Nick’s hand tightened and forcefully pulled Epi’s erection back, tightly, against Nick’s side. “God…” Epi groaned. “Oh…please…God…” He was going to come, just from that little contact, he was going to come and he didn’t have the will or desire to fight it. If he was going to fall off that cliff, cross that line with Nick, the other man was going to go with him. His hand twitched on Nick’s chest and wanted to explore but there was no time. They shouldn’t be cuddling or toying with foreplay. It was just a stolen moment in the darkness, a fragment of weakened will power and loneliness from the holidays. Cuddling, tenderness and foreplay were for lovers and Nick didn’t have lovers, he had fuck buddies. That was what Epi needed right at that moment so he crushed his disappointment at not being able to savor Nick’s admittedly delicious body and drew his hand downward.

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Down his fingers teased, down along that nearly invisible line, around the small circle at the center of Nick’s body, down further. He found elastic and cotton and knew he should stop. It was a very real barrier warning Epi to not go further and normally he would have listened. Only this time he could feel the heat rolling off of Nick’s body and that tiny line was an invitation. He let his hand dip under Nick’s waistband. Nick gasped so loudly it sounded like the man had half choked on his breath. The hand that had been streaming through Epi’s hair, down to caress the side of his face and neck and back up again to tangle in dark strands darted upward and fisted in Epi’s hair. It wasn’t quite painful but it was an erotic underscore to Nick’s shocked desire the moment Epi curled his fingers around Nick’s cock. “Epi…oh…ohhhh please….please….” Nick whispered into the darkness and the sound alone made Epi’s cock weep with want. He stroked Nick with single minded need. For those few moments with his hand hidden inside Nick’s pants, Epi forgot what he’d become and felt almost normal again. Nick was perfect to his touch, hot, hard, trembling. He was well endowed without being short changed or freakishly large and Epi wasn’t surprised to find a confident amount of length to Nick’s cock. His hand molded to the fevered flesh as if he’d spent years waking the man from midnight nightmares to chase away dark thoughts with a light touch. They fit and it was so perfect Epi forgot to kiss the gasping mouth panting below his own. The hand on his ass kept silently encouraging him to press himself harder into Nick’s hip. If Epi had twitched a little bit higher, gave even the slightest hint that he might be willing to again press his length into Nick’s own, he had no doubt the stronger man would have him again nearly draped over him. For a moment Epi had a vision of stroking both cocks with the same hand, them pressed tightly together, coming together, but that would be too much. What he had was enough, maybe too much, and he continued to grind roughly against Nick while he stroked the man with a more urgent touch. “E…Epi…I…I…can’t…going to…” Nick panted out in warning and it surprised Epi that he’d offer even those few stuttered words. Nick didn’t seem like the sort to be willing to stop when so close and he wondered if Epi wasn’t ready to take them so far if Nick really would forgive him for stopping so abruptly.

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Is Yet Chapter Thirty

Epi had no interest in stopping. He teetered on the edge of his own release. It was watching Nick fall apart, his face open and unmasked, eyes squinted tightly shut, that undid Epi. It caught him off guard, how strongly seeing, feeling, Nick release below him effected him. It shocked him to

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let go and his body writhed, pressing tighter to Nick as he came a moment after his friend. Nick moaned deeper and Epi was too lost to pleasure to understand his grip had tightened further as he lost control. He didn’t understand until some sense slowly returned. Epi drifted down from the intoxicating high of a really good and really needed release to find he was half laying on Nick, his hand sticky inside of the stronger man’s pants and his fingers still curled around his slowly softening cock. He knew he should pull away, retreat before sense returned to Nick and the reality of what they’d just done arrived but Nick was holding him too tightly too move. Below him, Nick was gasping for breath, his eyes still shut tightly and he didn’t appear to be in any hurry to move. “Nick…” Epi finally whispered and he shifted his grip on Nick’s now flaccid length. “Shhh. Stay…please…” Nick whispered and the hand in Epi’s hair slipped down to briefly catch and restrain Epi’s wrist and prevent him from removing his hand form inside Nick’s boxers. “Just for now…please…” Just for now. Epi could do just for now. He nodded and let his body sag in exhaustion against Nick’s chest. As the high wore off he expected his mind to swirl in circles about what a mistake he’d just made but instead he fell soundly asleep. His head stayed pillowed on Nick’s chest, his hand still lightly cupped Nick’s cock. He drifted away to the feel of Nick still desperately holding him as close as Epi would allow. For the first time on their mini little vacation, Nick woke up in an empty bed. Not just empty, but cold and deserted. It was the emptiness that woke him up more than an alarm clock would have and it surprised him how quickly he’d gotten used to sleeping in the same bed with someone else. That was odd because he’d never been comfortable when lovers spent the night, but in less than a week he found he really missed Epi’s warm body curled up tight with his own. That was when he remembered how Epi’s warm body had curled up against his own far tighter during the night. What had felt like a slightly too vivid dream crashed back as very clearly a real event. He’d had a bad dream, Epi had been sleeping close to him and it was Epi that had woken him up. That had been startling enough but Epi kissing him had made it all the better. It had been worth a nightmare to have Epi suddenly pouncing, demanding and wanting more. There was something exceptional about Epi being aggressive. It suited the man’s temperament to simply take what he wanted, but Nick was surprised at how much he enjoyed being what the man wanted. All he had wanted to do was take Epi closer in his arms, strip away his sleepwear that he covered himself up in. He’d tried, needing to touch Epi’s bare skin, but the slender man had pulled his hands away. Any other time he would have protested that because Epi’s continued self consciousness seemed absurd to him. He hadn’t pushed the issue because he’d been scared silly Epi would stop completely. Only Epi hadn’t stopped. When Nick gave in and let the man do what he wanted he had very much not stopped. The memory of the darkness shrouded contact made Nick blush a little, a flush to his face and neck that made him grin stupidly. It had felt ridiculously good. So good Nick worried it maybe had been all some vivid wonderful dream. Except his boxers were hiked down too low and clung to his hips. He reached down to pull them back up where the waist band should be and made a face. There was no doubt it had been real, there were dried crusty spots on the fabric. Not just where it should be for him should it all have been a very nice dream but on the side of his hip where Epi had writhed, rubbed and came against him. That was a wonderful moment, even if Nick would have preferred to been a more active participant. It had been good, very good, and left him feeling warm and good. Only, he’d woken up alone. Epi, for the first time, had woken up before him and crept away. Which wasn’t an easy thing for a one legged man with a balance issue to do. Nick was used to

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casual, he took pleasure where and how he could find it but Epi had made it a point to be very clear that he didn’t do casual. “He started it…” Nick groaned. The last thing he wanted to deal with was Epi being pissed off at him for something the other man had initiated. That was a thought that made Nick want to stay in bed. He might have too if they weren’t leaving shortly after lunch to make the long trip back home. As it was, there was no choice but to get up and face the day, and face Epi. “Not going to say I’m sorry.” Nick vowed as he stepped out of the shower. He hurried up and shaved, dressed and quickly got ready to face the day. The fancy, expensive watch sat waiting for him and he put it on to be nice but it felt odd on his wrist and he didn’t even want to think about the laptop. Nick’s day didn’t improve after the happy warmth of waking up. Epi was unusually social, spending all his time talking with his siblings when he hadn’t been during the days before. Nick even caught Epi sitting, talking with his father when he tried to catch him alone after lunch. There was no doubt about it now, Epi was avoiding him, so much so that every time Nick caught Epi’s eye the other man quickly looked away. Cold avoidance was annoying but better than Epi being pissed off. The last thing Nick wanted to do was fight about a little groping in the middle of the night. Time slipped away before Nick could get Epi alone and before he knew it he was carrying their suitcases back out to the car so Jerry could drive them back to the small airport. There was no time as they said their goodbyes and Nick thanked the family again for their generosity and warm welcome but his focus was soon devoted to getting Epi into the car and settled. He thought he’d have a moment to talk to Epi at the small airport but they were running late. By the time they got Epi through the security checkpoint, this time with far less hassle than they’d been given at the larger city airport, they had to hurry to catch their flight. The smaller flight was too noisy and too crowded to make talking about such a private issue possible so Nick held his tongue. The day slipped away in a bustle of crowds and deadlines. Nick was worried as the silence grew between them. At most, Nick was able to get a single word answer to direct questions and he didn’t know if it was because of what had happened or how exhausted Epi was becoming. He didn’t care, he stayed quiet and focused on getting them from point a to point b and figured talking about their sex life wasn’t something he needed to do in an airport. There would be time for that on the drive home. Only Epi was asleep, or faking being asleep, almost before they were out of the parking garage. Nick just sighed and didn’t try to rouse him. If he wanted to avoid the issue so badly he’d fake being asleep Nick was going to leave him alone. If he was actually that tired, he’d be callus brute to wake him up just to talk about an issue Epi had obviously refused to deal with. After the long day of traveling, he wasn’t sure he wanted to bring it up when Epi didn’t want anything said. Nick drove them home in silence. It was dark when they finally pulled into their driveway and it wasn’t until the car stopped that Epi woke up. If he’d been faking sleep before, the fake had turned into reality during the drive. Nick was tired too, worn out from the trip and the tension of what wasn’t said and he left Epi sitting in the car as he took the luggage up to his house and inside. Cats came running at him meowing and Nick smiled for the first time all day. “Missed us huh? Dad not petting you while we were gone? Poor fluffballs.” He placed Epi’s bags down and went back outside to help Epi out of the car. “You going to make it?”

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Epi nodded and stiffly got to his feet. “Let me get my bag upstairs and I’ll be in to get yours up the steps too. Okay?” “Yeah, that’s fine.” Nick hauled his bag out but put it down. “Epi?” Epi froze. “Yeah?” “About last night?” He glanced over and caught how Epi’s shoulders tensed up. “Nothing happened.” “But…” Epi shook his head. “Nothing happened, okay?” Nick drew a deep breath and nodded. “Okay. Nothing happened, deal.” He didn’t like it but he couldn’t force Epi to acknowledge what had happened. He didn’t even know if Epi regretted it. He wasn’t happy pretending nothing had happened but he could deal with it. Nick took his bag upstairs and slipped off the expensive watch. As soon as the weight was gone from his wrist he felt more like himself. It wasn’t that he didn’t like it, it was a fine watch and if money wasn’t an option he’d likely have picked it out for himself. It just didn’t feel like him, to have something so fancy. The laptop he could dismiss as work, as it would let him work from inside Epi’s house or if they went on a trip again somewhere else but the watch was pure luxury and he wasn’t used to that. He gathered up the surprise he had waiting for Epi and braced himself to go into the main house. Just because Epi wanted to pretend nothing had happened didn’t mean things hadn’t changed and he was worried. The lights were on in the house but Epi had moved into the living room. Nick found him sitting on the sofa surrounded by cats and smiling softly. “I know we said we weren’t gonna do the Christmas thing but…” Nick moved the present he’d made around front of him and moved to hand them over to Epi. “Isn’t much.” Nick stood there as Epi looked up from the cats and stared in surprise at the two canes Nick had made. Epi accepted them and ran his hands over the carvings. The smile fled from Epi’s face as his fingers slipped up and gripped the handles. “Jamie’s been saying after we’re back from the holidays she’s making you give up the crutches. I asked her what you’d need in a cane, she suggested the wider base on the bottom. They’re walnut too, they’ll stand up to a lot of abuse. I didn’t want to make them fussy so I just carved that wave into the stick. Kind of faked a twist in it than stained it. Thought you were more of a dark wood sort. I’ve some ideas for some inlays but didn’t want to make it too fussy to start. If you hate it, I’ll understand, it was just…I thought it would look nicer than a medical cane.” Nick heard himself babbling. He’d spent hours working on the design and style to make it useful and still elegantly simple. “No, it’s…they’re beautiful. Thank you.” Epi almost whispered as he ran his hands over the smooth wood. Carefully, Epi stood up. Nick nodded, the height was good and the grips were good. “Can you balance with them?” Epi took a few careful steps and grinned. “Yeah, I can. Nick this is amazing. Jamie said it would be okay?”

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“She wants you on the crutches until she sees you again but I showed her them and she approved. Didn’t see a reason why you couldn’t go to them instead of something…well…” “Ugly.” “Yeah.” “Thank you.” The sincerity in Epi’s voice surprised Nick. “Welcome.” He nodded and let Epi walk past him, moving carefully with the help of the new canes. Nick had to grin a little because they looked even more handsome with Epi using them. Epi returned from the dining room and handed an envelope to Nick. “Consider it a New Year’s present.” He grinned as he moved to sit down. Nick watched as Epi continued to quietly admire his handiwork before he turned to open the envelope. When he pulled out the card from inside he grinned. “A subscription to Men’s Vogue.” Epi smirked. “Thought you might enjoy it.” All the tension of everything that did happen and wasn’t spoken about from the whole day snapped and Nick laughed. “Yeah, well, thank you.” “You’re welcome.” “Epi?” “Yeah?” “We’re okay right? I mean last night…we’re still friends right?” Epi’s smile softened and he nodded. “I would deeply regret if we weren’t. I don’t know what I’d do if we weren’t friends.” Nick grinned. “Good, now, going to take your bags upstairs and going to go sleep. You have rehab tomorrow.” Epi groaned. “Thanks for the reminder.”

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Is Yet Chapter Thirty One

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“I’m going to go get the car brought up.” Nick muttered as he hurried around where Epi moved slowly from the back room he had his rehab in. Jamie had indeed moved Epi from his crutches to canes and Epi was moving slowly. The last thing Nick wanted was for Epi to have to walk further than he needed to. “Thanks.” Epi tried not to sound snappish but the transition wasn’t easy and he felt unstable. It was from no fault of the canes Nick had made, they were as perfect as any medical cane could be, but his balance was bad. Because his balance was bad he had his head down and walked right into another man standing in the waiting room. The man made a ompfh sound and a magazine dropped from his hands to flutter onto the floor. “Oh sorry!” The man declared and he crouched down right away to gather up the dropped magazine. “Was in a rush to get another three month old magazine to read.” Epi didn’t apologize, he was gritting his teeth and trying very hard not to fall down. “Didn’t mean to crash into you like that. I..have we met?” Epi glanced up and felt an eyebrow quirk up. He’d have remembered meeting the stranger if they’d ever been introduced. His hair was dark and he had a handsome Italian look to him that Epi had always liked. “No, I don’t think so, excuse me.” Epi managed to get out and suddenly felt awkward like he had as a teenager around such an obviously handsome man. “Sure, sorry…” Carefully Epi made his way around the man and kept on his slow way around to the door. “Wait…I…this is going to sound all creepy stalker like but you’re not a writer are you?” That stopped his progress and he glanced back up to the handsome stranger. “It is you, isn’t it? Epitome Whitmore right here in our little town! God, I love your books, must have read them all like a dozen times. I’m a huge fan.” “Thank you.” “Wow, wish I’d thought to bring one, I could have had you sign it. Tell me you’ve a new story coming out?” “Sorry, no.” “Aw, that’s a shame. I’m sorry, I’m just all gah right now. We’d heard about the accident. Your website hasn’t been updated for a while. When we heard you’d lost your partner, well my boyfriend and I, he’s my ex now, were real sorry to hear that, but you’re okay right?” Epi shrugged a little. “Still in rehab, but they tell me I’ll live.” “I’m glad to hear that. I…wow, you’re so much better looking in person than the picture on your books.” That made Epi just stare at the man and wonder if he might be a bit half crazy, and the more he stared at him the wider the man grinned.

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“Not that you aren’t hot in that picture I mean…I’m sorry, that was rude. It’s just, you’re an amazing writer and to be so…so…hot too, just doesn’t seem fair. I can’t believe I literally ran into you. Are you…you wouldn’t want to go out sometime for coffee would you?” The door the office opened and Nick came back in. Epi saw the stranger’s eyes drift over to Nick before they darted back to Epi. “Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t know you were with someone.” “Nick and I are just friends.” “Good…I don’t mean it that way…just good for me. So how about that coffee?” “I’m sorry, I can’t.” The man’s face fell. “Oh, well, here, my card. You call me any time and I’ll be free, unless I’m bringing my granddad in here for rehab that is. Deal? You think about it when I’m not pouncing on you after therapy and call me, I promise you’ll have a good time.” Epi hesitated before he accepted the small printed card. “I’ll think about it.” “Good.” The man smiled. “Good, you call me.” “It was nice meeting you.” Epi nodded but didn’t quite smile back before continuing toward the door that Nick moved to open for him. “He was good looking.” Nick commented as the door closed behind them. The air was cold but it was a damp cold and the heavy gray clouds gathering overhead were going to bring rain, not snow. “I guess.” “You guess? Maybe we need to get your eyes checked. Going to call him?” “No.” Fortunately, the rehab parking lot didn’t require him to step down off of a curb, there was a wide gentle slope made for wheelchairs he could work his way down instead of making that awkward step down. It still required all his concentration. “Why not? He was obviously interested in you.” “Nick, he’s a fan.” Epi sighed as he finally reached the car and dropped himself safely inside. The advantage of the canes instead of the crutches was obvious right away. Epi didn’t need Nick to put them into the back seat. Their shorter length allowed Epi to thread them between the front seats on his own. He hurried around to the drivers side and quickly got in. “So what if he’s a fan?” “He’s not interested in me, he’s attracted to the stories.” “That’s odd, since he looked like he would have happily humped your leg right there in the office.” “It wasn’t like that. He’s a fan, that’s why he gave me his number.” Nick pulled the car out onto the main road and shook his head. “That isn’t what I saw. You’re just being stubborn.”

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“No one in their right mind is going to be attracted to me. Look at me, for God’s sake I’m like some sort of Frankenstein’s monster. I’m not so desperate that I’ll leech social contact off of someone that likes the stupid stories I’ve written.” The bitterness made Nick feel sick and that almost instantly dissolved into anger. He wasn’t even sure why he was suddenly so angry, but he was and he wanted to reach over and smack Epi across the back of his head. He didn’t but he also didn’t turn the car toward home either. “You’re stupid.” Epi folded his arms over his chest and sunk into his seat. “You are attractive.” “It’s kind you’re trying to be nice to me but there’s no point to lying, I know what I am.” “I’m not lying.” Epi snorted and turned to look out the window. It made Nick want to punch something. Whacking the back of Epi’s head wasn’t going to make him feel better now. Epi was just too stubborn to listen to sense or reason and he was tired of it. He made up his mind more from anger than from compassion and simply couldn’t take any more. “It’s going to rain.” Epi pointed out as Nick turned into the car wash. “Forecast says it’s going to rain hard soon, this isn’t a good time for a car wash.” Nick ignored him and was glad it was a weekday. There was no attendant on duty on weekdays and that was how Nick had wanted it. He fed in a five and then a ten before selecting the ultra mega wash button. The sign by the entrance of the car wash blinked on and the words Pull Forward lit up. Nick obeyed them while pointedly ignoring Epi glaring beside him. “Are you even listening to me? You’re wasting your money.” The car rocked a little before the front driver’s side tire rolled forward and over a little bump to set solidly onto the pressure sensor that told the car wash they’d moved into position. The Pull Forward light blinked off and the Stop light blinked on. Around them the car wash clicked on and the frame around them rolled forward to spray the car with water. Nick put the car into park and reached under his seat for the lever. With a little tug his seat slid back as he unlatched his seatbelt. “What’re you doing?” Nick continued to ignore him and reached across to the passenger side. He leaned all the way over and across Epi’s body to find the lever along the far door and pulled it with one hand and pushed Epi’s seat back with the other. “What the hell are you doing?” Epi snapped out but Nick had yanked the lever under the seat and let Epi’s seat slide back. “Shut up.” Nick finally answered as the brushes around the car kicked on and began to drag across the outside of their closed windows. Epi about jumped out of his skin when Nick released his seat belt, but before he could panic Nick was pulling at the button of his khaki pants and forcefully dragging down his zipper. He squirmed

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away but there was no where to go. “What the hell are you doing?” Epi snapped, but his voice was shrill and frightened. Nick didn’t answer, so Epi tried to push at his shoulder as he leaned over again. It didn’t do any good. Nick was unmoveable and stubborn. Before the shock of being dragged into a car wash on a rainy day and having his seat adjusted and pants opened could wear off, Nick was dipping forward toward his lap. Toward his lap and his crotch and groin and Epi would have slipped through the seat to escape if he could have managed it. His hand grabbed at the door handle and it didn’t matter if he couldn't walk unaided to get away, or that the car wash would soak him right away in dirty water, he needed to escape. Two things kept him from running away. The first was that the door didn’t open. Nick’s car had child safety locks that could be activated from the driver’s side door and turn off all the locks and window controls on the other three doors. Epi couldn’t get his door open without actually lifting the lock up so he was basically trapped in the car. The other thing that kept him in the car was the feel of Nick’s mouth closing around his soft cock. “Oh…Jesus!” Epi’s hand slipped from the door latch and he pulled away as far as he could get from Nick. “Nick…stop it….don’t…” A warm hand slipped into the fabric of his pants and dragged the cloth further aside. He had been flaccid but there was no way he could stay soft with Nick suckling on him, a thumb gently stroking the top of one of Epi’s thighs. Outside the car the automatic wash passed over the car spraying pink, blue and yellow foamy soap over the windows, wrapping them in a bizarre blanket that made the outside world seem very far away. He was hard now and couldn’t help but slouching in his seat as his will to fight and deny the pleasure dissolved. When Nick dragged one hand down his leg to his knee and gently guided him to part his legs further Epi let him and his knees fell apart. “Oh…mmm Nick?” He forced out, but his head felt limp and if it wasn’t for the headrest he was sure it would be lolling around. “You’ve…oh…you’ve ma…made your p…point…stop…” Nick didn’t listen to him. Epi knew he should be fighting more, but he didn’t want to. It had been a very long time since anyone had surprised him with a blow job. Longer then since the accident, and he’d missed it more than he’d expected. Worse, it was Nick, Nick’s head bobbing up and down in his lap, Nick’s fingers stroking the barely exposed flesh of his hip and upper leg, Nick’s hand holding his legs further apart. The thought of Nick blowing him was something from a dirty fantasy, but to have him suddenly just lean over and do it was enough to make him shiver. There was obviously no way that Nick was going to stop and it was then it sunk in that the car wash could only last so long. The car rocked a little as the brushes spun and waved, knocking into the car as they swirled the colored soap about and cleaned the car. The car wash would end and he had no doubt that if he hadn’t come, Nick would stay right where he was, head buried in his lap. Someone was sure to notice that the car wash was over and they stayed in place and that spike of fear heightened the naughty pleasure of the encounter. “Oh…fuck it…” Epi moaned. He slouched further and opened himself up to more. Nick responded by sucking more of his length into that teasing hot mouth. He couldn’t stop Nick so he may as well enjoy it because he had no clue how long it would be until anyone would want to blow him again. Epi dropped his head to the side of the seat and his eyes closed to slits. It made him dizzy to watch the brushes spin over the car window. The brushes beat and dragged by as his body tingled in a pleasure he’d forgotten. He lost himself as the car wash started to spray on rinse water in showering sheets. One of his hands stopped clutching the side of the seat and gently ruffled over Nick’s soft hair. Epi was rewarded by a soft moan in the back of Nick’s otherwise silent throat. He closed his eyes and gave into the shivering delight that claimed him

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and mixed with the beating rhythm of the car wash around them. He had to make a conscious choice that it was okay to give in. More than that, he had to because they were running out of time. The car wash was spraying on the finishing coat and Epi’s legs were trembling. He was so close, part of him wanted to cling to it, to savor his surprise chance at such a wonderful event--but if he didn’t come, Nick wouldn’t stop. Or worse, what if the car wash ended and he hadn’t come and Nick stopped, leaving him with his pants open and painfully hard? That was a scary thought and it popped his eyes open. It was the sight of Nick that broke what final fragments of control he had left. His broad, strong shoulders hunched over, his coat straining across them. It was seeing his head bobbing up and down at an ever increasing pace. It was seeing Nick’s hand resting on his knee and knowing that they were so close to being caught doing something so very wrong and naughty that pushed Epi over the edge. He bit his lip. He clutched to the car seat and he let himself fall into trembling, shivering, moaning release.

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Is Yet Chapter Thirty One

“I’m going to go get the car brought up.” Nick muttered as he hurried around where Epi moved slowly from the back room he had his rehab in. Jamie had indeed moved Epi from his crutches to canes and Epi was moving slowly. The last thing Nick wanted was for Epi to have to walk further than he needed to. “Thanks.” Epi tried not to sound snappish but the transition wasn’t easy and he felt unstable. It was from no fault of the canes Nick had made, they were as perfect as any medical cane could be, but his balance was bad. Because his balance was bad he had his head down and walked right into another man standing in the waiting room. The man made a ompfh sound and a magazine dropped from his hands to flutter onto the floor. “Oh sorry!” The man declared and he crouched down right away to gather up the dropped magazine. “Was in a rush to get another three month old magazine to read.” Epi didn’t apologize, he was gritting his teeth and trying very hard not to fall down. “Didn’t mean to crash into you like that. I..have we met?” Epi glanced up and felt an eyebrow quirk up. He’d have remembered meeting the stranger if

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they’d ever been introduced. His hair was dark and he had a handsome Italian look to him that Epi had always liked. “No, I don’t think so, excuse me.” Epi managed to get out and suddenly felt awkward like he had as a teenager around such an obviously handsome man. “Sure, sorry…” Carefully Epi made his way around the man and kept on his slow way around to the door. “Wait…I…this is going to sound all creepy stalker like but you’re not a writer are you?” That stopped his progress and he glanced back up to the handsome stranger. “It is you, isn’t it? Epitome Whitmore right here in our little town! God, I love your books, must have read them all like a dozen times. I’m a huge fan.” “Thank you.” “Wow, wish I’d thought to bring one, I could have had you sign it. Tell me you’ve a new story coming out?” “Sorry, no.” “Aw, that’s a shame. I’m sorry, I’m just all gah right now. We’d heard about the accident. Your website hasn’t been updated for a while. When we heard you’d lost your partner, well my boyfriend and I, he’s my ex now, were real sorry to hear that, but you’re okay right?” Epi shrugged a little. “Still in rehab, but they tell me I’ll live.” “I’m glad to hear that. I…wow, you’re so much better looking in person than the picture on your books.” That made Epi just stare at the man and wonder if he might be a bit half crazy, and the more he stared at him the wider the man grinned. “Not that you aren’t hot in that picture I mean…I’m sorry, that was rude. It’s just, you’re an amazing writer and to be so…so…hot too, just doesn’t seem fair. I can’t believe I literally ran into you. Are you…you wouldn’t want to go out sometime for coffee would you?” The door the office opened and Nick came back in. Epi saw the stranger’s eyes drift over to Nick before they darted back to Epi. “Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t know you were with someone.” “Nick and I are just friends.” “Good…I don’t mean it that way…just good for me. So how about that coffee?” “I’m sorry, I can’t.” The man’s face fell. “Oh, well, here, my card. You call me any time and I’ll be free, unless I’m bringing my granddad in here for rehab that is. Deal? You think about it when I’m not pouncing on you after therapy and call me, I promise you’ll have a good time.” Epi hesitated before he accepted the small printed card. “I’ll think about it.” “Good.” The man smiled. “Good, you call me.”

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“It was nice meeting you.” Epi nodded but didn’t quite smile back before continuing toward the door that Nick moved to open for him. “He was good looking.” Nick commented as the door closed behind them. The air was cold but it was a damp cold and the heavy gray clouds gathering overhead were going to bring rain, not snow. “I guess.” “You guess? Maybe we need to get your eyes checked. Going to call him?” “No.” Fortunately, the rehab parking lot didn’t require him to step down off of a curb, there was a wide gentle slope made for wheelchairs he could work his way down instead of making that awkward step down. It still required all his concentration. “Why not? He was obviously interested in you.” “Nick, he’s a fan.” Epi sighed as he finally reached the car and dropped himself safely inside. The advantage of the canes instead of the crutches was obvious right away. Epi didn’t need Nick to put them into the back seat. Their shorter length allowed Epi to thread them between the front seats on his own. He hurried around to the drivers side and quickly got in. “So what if he’s a fan?” “He’s not interested in me, he’s attracted to the stories.” “That’s odd, since he looked like he would have happily humped your leg right there in the office.” “It wasn’t like that. He’s a fan, that’s why he gave me his number.” Nick pulled the car out onto the main road and shook his head. “That isn’t what I saw. You’re just being stubborn.” “No one in their right mind is going to be attracted to me. Look at me, for God’s sake I’m like some sort of Frankenstein’s monster. I’m not so desperate that I’ll leech social contact off of someone that likes the stupid stories I’ve written.” The bitterness made Nick feel sick and that almost instantly dissolved into anger. He wasn’t even sure why he was suddenly so angry, but he was and he wanted to reach over and smack Epi across the back of his head. He didn’t but he also didn’t turn the car toward home either. “You’re stupid.” Epi folded his arms over his chest and sunk into his seat. “You are attractive.” “It’s kind you’re trying to be nice to me but there’s no point to lying, I know what I am.” “I’m not lying.” Epi snorted and turned to look out the window. It made Nick want to punch something. Whacking the back of Epi’s head wasn’t going to make him feel better now. Epi was just too stubborn to listen to sense or reason and he was tired of it.

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He made up his mind more from anger than from compassion and simply couldn’t take any more. “It’s going to rain.” Epi pointed out as Nick turned into the car wash. “Forecast says it’s going to rain hard soon, this isn’t a good time for a car wash.” Nick ignored him and was glad it was a weekday. There was no attendant on duty on weekdays and that was how Nick had wanted it. He fed in a five and then a ten before selecting the ultra mega wash button. The sign by the entrance of the car wash blinked on and the words Pull Forward lit up. Nick obeyed them while pointedly ignoring Epi glaring beside him. “Are you even listening to me? You’re wasting your money.” The car rocked a little before the front driver’s side tire rolled forward and over a little bump to set solidly onto the pressure sensor that told the car wash they’d moved into position. The Pull Forward light blinked off and the Stop light blinked on. Around them the car wash clicked on and the frame around them rolled forward to spray the car with water. Nick put the car into park and reached under his seat for the lever. With a little tug his seat slid back as he unlatched his seatbelt. “What’re you doing?” Nick continued to ignore him and reached across to the passenger side. He leaned all the way over and across Epi’s body to find the lever along the far door and pulled it with one hand and pushed Epi’s seat back with the other. “What the hell are you doing?” Epi snapped out but Nick had yanked the lever under the seat and let Epi’s seat slide back. “Shut up.” Nick finally answered as the brushes around the car kicked on and began to drag across the outside of their closed windows. Epi about jumped out of his skin when Nick released his seat belt, but before he could panic Nick was pulling at the button of his khaki pants and forcefully dragging down his zipper. He squirmed away but there was no where to go. “What the hell are you doing?” Epi snapped, but his voice was shrill and frightened. Nick didn’t answer, so Epi tried to push at his shoulder as he leaned over again. It didn’t do any good. Nick was unmoveable and stubborn. Before the shock of being dragged into a car wash on a rainy day and having his seat adjusted and pants opened could wear off, Nick was dipping forward toward his lap. Toward his lap and his crotch and groin and Epi would have slipped through the seat to escape if he could have managed it. His hand grabbed at the door handle and it didn’t matter if he couldn't walk unaided to get away, or that the car wash would soak him right away in dirty water, he needed to escape. Two things kept him from running away. The first was that the door didn’t open. Nick’s car had child safety locks that could be activated from the driver’s side door and turn off all the locks and window controls on the other three doors. Epi couldn’t get his door open without actually lifting the lock up so he was basically trapped in the car. The other thing that kept him in the car was the feel of Nick’s mouth closing around his soft cock. “Oh…Jesus!” Epi’s hand slipped from the door latch and he pulled away as far as he could get from Nick. “Nick…stop it….don’t…” A warm hand slipped into the fabric of his pants and dragged the cloth further aside. He had been flaccid but there was no way he could stay soft with Nick suckling on him, a thumb gently stroking the top of one of Epi’s thighs. Outside the car the automatic wash passed over the car

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spraying pink, blue and yellow foamy soap over the windows, wrapping them in a bizarre blanket that made the outside world seem very far away. He was hard now and couldn’t help but slouching in his seat as his will to fight and deny the pleasure dissolved. When Nick dragged one hand down his leg to his knee and gently guided him to part his legs further Epi let him and his knees fell apart. “Oh…mmm Nick?” He forced out, but his head felt limp and if it wasn’t for the headrest he was sure it would be lolling around. “You’ve…oh…you’ve ma…made your p…point…stop…” Nick didn’t listen to him. Epi knew he should be fighting more, but he didn’t want to. It had been a very long time since anyone had surprised him with a blow job. Longer then since the accident, and he’d missed it more than he’d expected. Worse, it was Nick, Nick’s head bobbing up and down in his lap, Nick’s fingers stroking the barely exposed flesh of his hip and upper leg, Nick’s hand holding his legs further apart. The thought of Nick blowing him was something from a dirty fantasy, but to have him suddenly just lean over and do it was enough to make him shiver. There was obviously no way that Nick was going to stop and it was then it sunk in that the car wash could only last so long. The car rocked a little as the brushes spun and waved, knocking into the car as they swirled the colored soap about and cleaned the car. The car wash would end and he had no doubt that if he hadn’t come, Nick would stay right where he was, head buried in his lap. Someone was sure to notice that the car wash was over and they stayed in place and that spike of fear heightened the naughty pleasure of the encounter. “Oh…fuck it…” Epi moaned. He slouched further and opened himself up to more. Nick responded by sucking more of his length into that teasing hot mouth. He couldn’t stop Nick so he may as well enjoy it because he had no clue how long it would be until anyone would want to blow him again. Epi dropped his head to the side of the seat and his eyes closed to slits. It made him dizzy to watch the brushes spin over the car window. The brushes beat and dragged by as his body tingled in a pleasure he’d forgotten. He lost himself as the car wash started to spray on rinse water in showering sheets. One of his hands stopped clutching the side of the seat and gently ruffled over Nick’s soft hair. Epi was rewarded by a soft moan in the back of Nick’s otherwise silent throat. He closed his eyes and gave into the shivering delight that claimed him and mixed with the beating rhythm of the car wash around them. He had to make a conscious choice that it was okay to give in. More than that, he had to because they were running out of time. The car wash was spraying on the finishing coat and Epi’s legs were trembling. He was so close, part of him wanted to cling to it, to savor his surprise chance at such a wonderful event--but if he didn’t come, Nick wouldn’t stop. Or worse, what if the car wash ended and he hadn’t come and Nick stopped, leaving him with his pants open and painfully hard? That was a scary thought and it popped his eyes open. It was the sight of Nick that broke what final fragments of control he had left. His broad, strong shoulders hunched over, his coat straining across them. It was seeing his head bobbing up and down at an ever increasing pace. It was seeing Nick’s hand resting on his knee and knowing that they were so close to being caught doing something so very wrong and naughty that pushed Epi over the edge. He bit his lip. He clutched to the car seat and he let himself fall into trembling, shivering, moaning release.

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Is Yet Chapter Thirty Two

Epi lay in a crumbled heap cradled by his car seat, panting in gasping breaths as he tried to regain some sense of composure and control. It didn’t help that as Nick leaned up he could see the man swallowing or that he watched the careful way he wiped at his grinning lips. He wasn’t sure if he liked the smug, pleased twinkle in the other man’s eyes or not but he was sure he couldn’t form words yet so he decided to ignore it. Outside their car the carwash brushes clicked off and slid back into place and the light turned from Stop to Pull Forward encouraging them to roll out and leave and Epi quickly tried to shove himself back into his pants. Nick adjusted the driver’s seat back to where he wanted it as if he hadn’t pushed it back for some lewd reason and pulled on his seatbelt. It didn’t miss Epi’s notice as he belted himself back in that Nick squirmed around in his seat and tugged on a pants leg a few times. It was difficult to see if he was hard or not, the crease of Nick’s pants made it far from obvious. If he could see it, he would believe it, but without being able to see a bulge Epi could simply think the man had given himself a wedgie with all the leaning over. It seemed impossible that Nick would have gotten aroused at blowing him. Nick didn’t look over at him as he pulled the car slowly forward under the rush of the air blowers trying to dry the car and out into the drizzling rain. He didn’t look over and he didn’t speak and Epi stayed where he’d been placed, legs spread and seat back trying to regain some composure. Someone needed to say something and Epi wasn’t sure he could be the one to break the silence. Nick just drove on, carefully like he always did, but just as silently as he tended to be. This silence was one that was almost more than Epi could stand and it was that growing itch of uncertainty that made him sit up and put his seat back to how it needed to be. On the ride home nothing was said and Nick shifted in his seat and tugged at his pants leg several more times. The drizzling rain grew steadily worse as they got closer to home but Epi barely noticed it. His body was still tingling and there were muscles in his shoulders that had relaxed that hadn’t been relaxed in far too long. Something tight and twisted and ugly felt covered, not gone, not really, but hidden a little better, pushed aside a little further. It was raining hard when they were close to home and some sense floated up into Epi’s thoughts. The car rolled to a stop to make a left hand turn into their driveway to wait for oncoming traffic. The rain was a downpour now, sheeting down so hard visibility was almost gone and Epi was glad the car was still because he wouldn’t have risked what he wanted to do if they were moving. Without invitation he reached across their seats and cupped Nick’s groin. “Shit!” Nick jumped a good foot at the touch and the car lurched forward an inch before he slammed the brakes on again. Nick glanced down into his lap but he wasn’t imagining things, one of Epi’s gracefully elegant hands was cupped around his crotch. “What’re you doing?” “I wanted to know.” His hand’s grip tightened a little and he tried not to shiver at how such a simple touch made Nick’s breath stutter and the cock hidden under layers of fabric grow even harder than it had been.

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“Know what?” He asked and he knew he should pry the slender fingers away but as he pulled the car into their lane his hand slipped down and over Epi’s, pulling his hand tighter. Epi didn’t pull his hand back and he didn’t answer. When Nick looked over he saw the other man was staring out the window into the gray rain of the afternoon. “Yes, I got hard blowing you.” The car went up the lane carefully, the rain was cutting small rivers into the drive and pouring down. Nick parked with ease and turned the engine off and in the silence the rain was deafening against the roof and fell in sheets over their windows. There was a coldness seeping in past the glass and it was chilling. “Why’d you do that?” Epi finally asked when Nick kept sitting there, silent and hard under his hand. “Because I’ve wanted you since I saw you at the auction and it pisses me off that you think you’re some ugly monster.” The honest answer escaped before he could censor it. It was the rain, it was impossible to lie under the steady drumbeat of the pouring rain on the metal roof. “Told you it was going to rain.” That made Nick laugh a little. “Yeah, you’re smart.” “It’s cold.” “We’re lucky this isn’t snow, we’d be snowed in for a week.” It was odd to talk about the weather while another man was gripping his hard on, but Nick was resigned to masturbation and had enough control to wait. “My life feels as cold as the rain.” Epi whispered and the rain nearly washed the soft words away. “Epi…” He wasn’t sure what to say to that because he’d never been very good at dealing with emotional things. He didn’t have to say anything. Epi’s hand pulled from under his own and disappeared from his groin. Nick didn’t groan in regret, he wasn’t going to ask for anything Epi didn’t offer freely. The hand didn’t go far, it trailed up and pressed against Nick’s stomach as Epi unlatched his seatbelt and turned in his seat. He was leaning over Nick, kissing him before Nick could stop him, not that he would have if he’d had the chance. His heart beat with the pounding rain and Nick couldn’t stop his hands from holding Epi’s face in place. There was such challenge in Epi’s kiss. It wasn’t just stubbornness or pride but more and Nick loved it. He could spend days kissing Epi and not grow bored. It made him shiver in a way that went beyond just being aroused or even beyond knowing he couldn’t have Epi. Nick loved how his hands felt buried in Epi’s hair and all he wanted to do was pull the slender man closer. The steering wheel got in the way and he couldn’t drag Epi any closer, not that Epi needed encouraged, he was halfway into Nick’s seat as it was. When Epi broke the kiss and pulled away, Nick did groan this time. He wanted to cling to Epi’s shoulders and drag him back. If he could have he would have followed Epi into the passenger seat and crawled into his lap to keep that kiss close. He was finding Epi’s kiss intoxicating and he wanted more. Epi let Nick follow him back, kissing him all the way, his hands sliding through his hair and that alone was delicious. He pulled away, forcing himself to break the kisses because that was all they could do in the front seats. He reached behind him and fumbled with the door latch. The door didn’t open, again, and Epi would have laughed if it wasn’t so frustrating. “Stupid child locks…” He muttered.

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“It’s dumping rain…” Nick answered and when Epi slipped closer again he tried to pull him back into his arms but Epi slipped away again. “Wasn’t going far.” And he didn’t feel like debating it. It took a little wiggling but Epi got his feet under him on the seat and before Nick could pull him close again he shoved his shoulders between the two seats. It wasn’t the most graceful of moves, his fake foot got caught because he wasn’t sure where it was and he slipped and landed on the back seat on his back, but he managed to glide into the backseat. He knew he looked silly but Nick wasn’t laughing, he just sat in the front seat looking confused. “Well?” Epi raised an eyebrow. “Well what?” Epi sighed. “What do people do in the backseat of cars?” Nick’s mouth fell open and he sat stupidly for a few heartbeats before he fumbled to release his seatbelt and climb between the seats the way Epi had. Only Nick was quite a bit wider in the shoulders and wasn’t sure he could fit. The last thing he wanted was to get halfway and get stuck so he stopped trying. He glanced from where Epi sat waiting, hair mussed up and the top button of his pants still open from the car wash to the window with the freezing cold, dumping rain outside. It wasn’t even a choice. He had intentionally locked the car doors to keep Epi from scrambling out of the car in the car wash so he just as intentionally unlocked the doors now. He popped his door open and scurried out into the rain. It was like a thousand chips of ice hitting his body. The rain soaked his hair and ran down his neck. His hand slipped on the back seat door handle and that extra few seconds chilled him further but he got the door open and climbed in, slamming the door behind him. “Oh, that’s cold!” He shook his head and sprayed cold rain across the back seat as he peeled off his coat. “You’re soaked!” Nick pushed the sleeves of his wet coat down and stomped it down to the floor. “It’s ra…” He didn’t get to finish. Epi almost attacked him, surging across the seat with enough force to push Nick back against the car door to reclaim the interrupted kisses. His shirt was pulled from his pants and before he could look down he felt Epi’s hands climbing up underneath to drag against his skin. It was more than he expected, Epi was bolder than he’d have hoped for and he found his own hands slipping down the lean back. His hands didn’t stop until they curved over Epi’s ass and pulled the man further into his lap. “Wait…” Epi pulled back. “Sorry.” Nick pulled back and the back of his head hit on car window. “No…just I’m not sure what to do with the leg.” He ran a hand down the leg he had folded up on the car seat. “Oh, let me help.” Nick grinned and leaned forward. He caught Epi by the waist and half picked him up. It took a little maneuvering but he got Epi half laying down on the far side of the back seat, his bent leg stretched out now and the other one hanging off the seat. It gave Nick the perfect chance to stretch out over Epi, nestled between his legs. “I like the way you help.” Epi grinned and leaned up to kiss Nick’s damp face. “Nick?”

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“Hmm?” Nick took advantage of his position to run a hand over Epi’s body. He would happily strip the man bare and kiss every exposed inch if he could have. “I…I need you to fuck me.” Nick’s hand tightened on Epi’s waist, squeezing hard as if he was worried Epi might dissolve away into the rain. “Here? In the car?” Epi nodded. “If we can figure out how.” “Oh, I know how.” When Nick’s hands tugged at him he let himself be pulled up to half sit, half lay on the seat. He watched as Nick leaned toward the front seat and again adjusted the passenger seat. “Done this before?” Nick glanced back as he pushed the front seat flat and grinned at Epi. “Never, I’m making this up as I go.” He moved back and kissed Epi, shivering from the cold rain and the pounding desire that wasn’t going to have him question Epi’s request. “Guess you won’t let me rip your clothes off, huh?” One of Nick’s hands slipped down his body and Epi couldn’t help by lean into the touch. “Condom?” “Good thing I’m easy.” He fished out his wallet and ignored how Epi changed the subject. Just because he was ready to have Epi naked and willing beneath him didn’t mean Epi was ready. Nick was as painfully aware of Epi’s lack of self esteem as Epi was. So he let Epi hide and produced the condom he kept in his wallet for just such emergencies. The foiled wrapped square flipped between his fingers. “You sure about this?” “If you want me.” “From the moment I saw you. Epi?” He was an idiot for even thinking twice about it when the one thing he thought he’d never have was suddenly offered to him. “You don’t have to, you don’t owe me. We can wait, I’m happy here assuming I can still…you know, molest you.” “I haven’t had sex in like a year and a half, how long have you ever gone?” “Like three weeks and it was hell.” Epi unzipped his pants. “So how do we do this in the car with my leg? What are you grinning at?” “I get to have you.” “You’re a little wrong in the head, aren’t you?” Epi asked around kisses as Nick’s hands drew him away from the back of the seat toward his folded down passenger seat. “Maybe, but doesn’t change how much I’ve wanted you.” Epi pulled away and caught Nick’s face and held him in place. “This is just sex, okay? It doesn’t mean anything.” “Shut up so I can fuck you.”

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Is Yet Chapter Thirty Three

“Bossy!” Epi tried to sound hurt, but it came off far more amused. It was easier to tease than to be serious. If he seriously thought about it he’d chicken out. That’s the last thing he wanted but his nerves were right there floating at the edge of his awareness. “Come here…” Nick demanded and tugged on Epi’s arm. There was an awkward moment when Epi didn’t know what to do with elbows and knees and ended up more in Nick’s arms and lap than had been intended. Even wet with the icy cold rain it still felt really good to be held between those strong arms so he wasn’t going to protest too much. The rain made Nick’s kisses taste of the sky and for a second Epi was so lightheaded he thought he might be flying. “Mmm…Epi…?” “Yeah?” He whispered back around another nibbling kiss. “If we don’t….God…I’m not going to…oh stop that!” Nick’s hand snatched out and caught Epi’s wrist, the brace thick below the obscuring sleeve, and pulled his hand out from under his shirt. “Tell me how?” “Not sure it’ll work…” Epi rolled his eyes and would have bitten Nick if he thought it would get the man moving faster. “Well?” “Here…” Nick slipped his hands over the lean body and his fingers itched to pull fabric away. He was going to finally have Epi and he had a sense that it wouldn’t sate his desire in the least when there was so much clothing between them. There was a strength in Nick’s hands that Epi knew could make him do anything without using a single bit of force. When they tugged at him, his body simply molded in response, giving in and letting Nick guide him. He was tugged back off Nick’s lap and turned around. With a gentle push, he was guided to the folded down front passenger seat. It confused him until Epi leaned forward and let the seat back support him, his chest pressing firmly to the fabric below. His arms wrapped around the headrest and his legs slipped to either side of the seat. Without even really trying he was supported, cushioned and in a position where nothing was pinched, cramped or hurting. The real beauty of the creative position came when Nick followed him. They were both still fully clothed but they may as well have been naked for how the feel of the other man made Epi’s skin burn. He hadn’t even really settled down all the way against the folded down seat when Nick as

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there, covering him. His chest pressed firmly into Epi’s back, his lips nibbling, kissing, tasting Epi’s neck. A thigh slipped between Epi’s parted legs and spread them further, wider, knowing how far to push without pushing so far that Epi was off balance or hurting. The warmth and weight of another man—more, of Nick--pressing him down, rubbing against him, made Epi shiver and moan. He couldn’t help it, he arched back and rubbed his ass into Nick’s groin. It made Nick nip a little harder at Epi’s neck and oddly that only made Epi rub against Nick with more force. “Epi…I….God…stop that…we d..don’t…have anything more than….than the condom…God…” “So?” “Not much lube….oh…been…been a lo…long time for y..you….” “Jesus, Nick, you don’t say ten words the whole day and pick now to start a conversation? I can take it…if you can give it…” He wasn’t sure when it had been decided that Nick was topping, but being lain face down over the seat was a good hint. He’d suspected that Nick was a top just because in Epi’s mind every man that looked as utterly straight masculine as Nick was had to be a solid, real top. It only slightly worried him that Nick had just assumed Epi would bottom and it made his pride wonder if it should be stung. Only he wanted to bottom. He had since the moment the idea had crept into his thoughts. The idea of being below Nick, being taken by Nick, well, that had been the subject of his fantasies for months and here he was, legs spread, Nick’s hands working to get his pants opened again for the second time that day and his pride could go to hell. He’d preferred bottom anyway, before he’d met Timothy. They’d started their relationship switching off, taking turns, but it hadn’t been long before Timothy stopped wanting to top. Epi hadn’t protested, it had just been good to have someone in his life, but he had missed it. After they’d really become a couple it had taken a special occasion for Timothy to want to switch their roles and Epi had learned not to ask. But here he was, in Nick’s car, the rain pounding on the roof above them, the windows already fogged up. Nick didn’t seem to have any problem at all with the idea of topping and Epi shivered in anticipation. He needed it, needed to let go and feel. The last thing he needed was to think about the past or Timothy, so he pushed those thoughts away as Nick’s hands slipped under his waistband and roughly pulled his pants down. The rough treatment made him groan a little in the back of his throat. “Sorry…” Nick whispered, but even he didn’t think he sounded very sorry. “Don’t be…” Epi arched back and this time his bare ass rubbed into Nick’s fabric covered groin and the hidden hardness. He’d been worried they wouldn’t be able to get his pants down far enough, but his knees were just so slightly bent and it worked beautifully. “Why aren’t you in me?” He tossed his head to the side, flipping his hair out of his eyes and tried to look and see Nick’s eyes. He couldn’t, Nick’s eyes were shut. “If you’d hold still!” Nick snapped back. “I think you’re trying to…God stop!…to make me…so I don’t get to…ohhh…” Epi would have laughed, but that might have been a bit cruel so he didn’t. Instead he stopped the slow rub his ass was making into Nick’s cock and rested his head against the seat’s headrest. “Sorry, I’ll be good.” It surprised him at how friendly they were still being. It felt very normal with none of the awkwardness Epi had feared to find should they cross this line. It wasn’t any different than when they weren’t about to have sex and that comforted him and worried him at the same time. “Better…” Nick sighed and pulled back from Epi enough that he wasn’t pressing the slender man

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into the seat. The rain was a steady beat, so when the crinkle of foil broke that Epi shivered. That was the sound of a condom being opened and since one of Nick’s hands was stroking the side of his hip he was opening it with his other hand and his teeth. He had a moment to wonder what they would have done if Nick didn’t keep one in his wallet. Epi had never had sex without one, paranoid about disease he’d always been ultra careful. That had been one of his regrets with Timothy, that their relationship had never been stable enough to risk unprotected sex. Yet here, draped over a car seat on a very cold, very wet afternoon, Epi couldn’t say what he would have done if they hadn’t that bit of latex. All thoughts fled, washed away under the beat of the rain on the roof over his head, as something slick and very hot, hard and blunt slipped along the crevice of his ass. Nick moaned almost against his ear as his lips returned to Epi’s neck, licking, nipping, kissing every spot of exposed flesh he could find. Cold rainwater dripped from Nick’s hair to fall in fat drops onto Epi’s neck, but that wasn’t what made him shiver. “What’re you waiting for?” Epi whined when Nick paused with the head of his cock pressed against his opening but not moving. Nick’s breath puffed against his neck. “I…I don’t know…” He answered Epi’s question. He might not have known but Epi did. They were crossing a huge line in their friendship, one that couldn’t be uncrossed. For as used to casual as Nick was, he felt the weight of their actions as much as Epi did. Maybe he wanted to back out, because a small corner of Epi’s mind was almost begging him to stop. Maybe Nick felt that too, that sense that if they went one fraction further everything would change and be lost. Every logical thought and sense in Epi grabbed a hold of that and screamed for them to stop. He wasn’t ready for this, it was too soon. He was better off alone. “Do it.” Epi whispered, but it wasn’t defiant. The small words were soft, and shook with desire and vulnerability. If Nick didn’t take him right now, Epi wasn’t sure he could ever have sex again, at least not for a very, very long time. There was no space left in the small car for more words. Neither man could stand one more uncertainty, one more whispered breath of caution. Neither man could bear to go further or stand to stop. The slick, blunt heat pressed lightly to Epi’s body pushed closer and took away any chance of words. He tried to relax, but there were still certain restrictions of anatomy to contend with. Nick was larger than he’d expected, not that Epi was going to complain, and they were a little short on lube. Worse, it had been a year and half or more since Epi had sex, but it had been far longer since he’d bottomed. He hadn’t even used Tori’s unsubtle suggestion of the gifted dildo. He wasn’t just tight, he was almost virgin tight, and as Nick’s length finally pushed with enough force to enter in, both men moaned at the sensation. “W…we…we…sh…shouldn’t…” Nick stuttered against Epi’s neck. Epi’s body was trembling and his skin was sweaty. The thought of Nick stopping now made him want to scream. He wasn’t made of glass and he wasn’t going to break. What he needed most in the entire world was to be fucked, roughly, deeply, fully fucked, and Nick was hung up on hurting him. He opened his mouth to explain all he was feeling and wanting but only one word moaned out. “M..more…” “God!” Nick moaned back and, consciously or unconsciously, thrust hard forward and with no

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further debate or warning filled Epi. Epi gasped for air and writhed against the car seat he was now firmly pinned to. It hurt, he wasn’t going to lie, it did hurt, but he knew that the pain would fade quickly. Even if he knew it wouldn’t fade, it was worth it. He felt whole, warm, real, for the first time in years. Feeling Nick panting for desperate air against his neck, hearing his gasping moans from just that one joining, was enough on its own. It was good, but for as good as it was, as they hung there in shivering limbo, Epi suddenly knew it was a mistake. He wasn’t ready for this, it was so much more than he was able to handle yet. Even casual like he said it was, it made him feel far too much, and as Nick carefully slipped from his body Epi half sobbed at the sensations that overwhelmed him. As Nick slowly filled him again Epi considered the merits of having a car seat installed into his bedroom. It was unusual, yes, but perfect. He clung to the seat as Nick pressed down and into him and all he had to do was stay there and let himself be pleasured. He was caught between Nick’s rough in-thrust that pushed them both forward and down, rubbing Epi’s caught hard on against the slightly abrasive seat fabric, and the gliding pulling backward out thrust that made his entire body tremble with pleasure. Through it all, the only thing Epi had to do was hold on and moan louder than the rain. Nick was trembling against him hard enough that Epi could feel it. His moans had a sharp, painfully needing tone and Epi couldn’t blame him. The man had after all blown him very soundly and driven them home without finding any outlet for his own desire. Now Epi was soaring closer to his second orgasm and there was no wonder Nick was about to come just from their quick joining. He had no doubt that Nick was going to finish before him. Until Nick pulled his hips down a little lower and crawled up his body a little higher. This time when he pushed deeply into Epi’s body he was moving forward and down and it was the perfect angle. Epi saw stars. His good leg convulsed, looking for a better foothold to push up against Nick harder, to keep the man’s cock deeply inside of him longer. As Nick withdrew and instantly pushed back in at the same angle with the same force, Epi’s fingernails scrambled against the fabric of the headrest so hard he was afraid he might claw the fabric to shreds. “Fucking hell!” Epi whined and moaned as he writhed against Nick. “Oh… oh… de… dear God….” A hand slipped along Epi’s ribs and it didn’t even sink in that Nick’s hand was under his shirt, all he knew was that it felt good. “Oh…oooh Nick… ha.. harder….” He begged. His begging was rewarded. Nick pushed into Epi so hard that Epi felt almost crushed against the soft seat, but Nick paused there, trembling. He paused just long enough to kiss the back curve of the shell of one of Epi’s ears. “My Epi…” Nick whispered so softly that if his lips weren’t against Epi’s ear the pounding of the rain would have stolen them away. The pause ended as Nick moved. He took Epi as hard, as roughly as he’d begged for. It made Epi light headed as he was fucked as hard as the rain pouring down around them. He couldn’t breath he was gasping and moaning so much, and each thrust made his entire body explode in pleasure. The sensation of his cock rubbing against the car seat seemed meaningless now in comparison, but it was the combination of the two pleasures that undid him. His silent concern that he’d have to jerk off to find release because Nick was so very close to coming was gone. His body simply couldn’t withstand it, and as if he actually was a virgin, when release came upon him Epi found himself helpless to prevent it. Epi’s hand snatched out behind him and caught the heated bare skin of Nick’s hip. “Fuck….oh fuck…Nick…” Epi called out as his body half curled up under the force of his release. He heard Nick moaning softly, moans that sounded more like whimpers, and a hand slipped over Epi’s and

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held his fingers tighter to Nick’s hip. His fake foot lost it’s grip and that leg spilled out at an odd angle and his good leg pulled up tighter against the seat. Epi’s vision blackened in spots as pleasure swept him away and he came there, in the backseat of Nick’s car. He was gasping for breath, trembling, sweating, shivering in the humid air as some awareness started to return. Nick’s head was tucked into his hair and he was gasping in soft low breaths, almost silently, as his body pushed into Epi’s with a long, stuttering pattern. He’d been celibate for a long time, but Epi knew the feel of a man lost in his own release. It made him moan quietly against the headrest and he was almost sorry they’d had a condom on hand. He would have loved to have known the feeling of Nick coming hard, deeply into his body.

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Is Yet Chapter Thirty Four

“Oh God…” Epi moaned but it was weakly and with a sigh. He clung to the car’s seat as best he could but really he just wanted to be able to lay there and never move again. Nick apparently had other ideas because he started softly pulling on Epi. “Go away…” Epi protested and batted at the annoying hands. “Make me.” Nick answered and the hands on Epi’s body grew firmer, more demanding until Epi gave in and allowed himself to be tugged backwards. His good leg was wobbly, his breath was shaky and Epi was certain he’d turned the ankle on the leg that didn’t have an ankle, but he let Nick pull him. There was a second when he was sure he’d fall into a messy heap onto the car’s floor behind the seats but Nick kept tugging at him, pulling, until Epi felt the back seat against his legs. That made more sense, he couldn’t collapse over the folded down front seat but the backseat was long and wide and just asking to be lounged on. He tumbled against it, panting for breath. “Oh… God…that was…” He panted out and shivered. The sweat on his body was cooling in the damp humidity of the car’s interior and making him cold. “Hot.” Nick finished. Epi watched as his friend slipped the condom from his softening length with long practiced skill, tied a small knot in the end and leaned forward to drop it into the hidden trash bag inside the center console of the car. “Yeah…” Epi agreed as he tugged up his pants. Reality was starting to sink in and he was wondering what level of colossal mistake their having sex was going to turn out to be. The rain wasn’t pouring quite as hard and he was sure he’d only get mostly soaked to the skin by trying to stagger his way to the porch.

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One of Nick’s strong hands ruffled across Epi’s too long hair to settle on the back of his neck. The slightly work roughened fingers tilted Epi’s head back and over and Epi didn’t fight the request. The tenderness did surprise him, but the tender, soft kiss Nick leaned in to press to his mouth surprised him more. So much so that Epi didn’t fight as Nick pulled him back and down to lay nestled between Nick’s legs and rest, pillowed on Nick’s chest. It wasn’t a perfectly comfortable way to lounge and rest but Nick was warm and Epi was too limp to protest. They lay there, resting together as the rain poured down around their little car and Epi tried to get his mind to still as peacefully as his body. There were too many thoughts crowding him, worries about what they’d done and not done, said and not said. The one thought that kept floating up in his thoughts was that it had been really nice. Not just the sex but also Nick snuggling him after. He’d never have figured Nick for a snuggler, but there was no other word for it as the stronger man held him close and continued to gently pet a hand across his hair and shoulders. “I didn’t think you were the post back seat sex snuggle sort.” Epi grumbled, not even sure if he was actually complaining. “I didn’t figure you for boxers.” The response was so random, so far from everything Epi had expected Nick to counter with, that laughter bubbled up out of him. It was almost manic but he laughed richly at the absurdity of it all. It wasn’t a pleasant laugh but one that was tight and hard but desperate for release of emotions he’d held steady and locked down for too long. He laughed because he didn’t want to cry. “Oh…my… sorry…” He wheezed to a stop. “It’s okay.” Nick rumbled softly and petted a hand across Epi’s hair. “Product of boarding school. Tightie whities are too exposing when you’re living with a few dozen other boys. Same can be said for rehab too, though once I was out of bed they let me wear sweatpants and the like.” He dropped his head back against Nick’s shoulder. “Are we going to do this again?” There was a long pause as Nick held very still behind Epi before he finally answered. “I don’t know, are we?” “I…” Did he want to? Of course he did, but Epi knew he wasn’t very good at casual. He got attached and had never learned to separate sex and emotion. He should say no, they were never going to do it again, ever but he didn’t want to. “Friends with benefits, nothing more. Understood?” “Yeah.” It was a mistake and he knew it but Epi couldn’t refuse it. He had never been the sort of man to be touchy feely. People didn’t pick him out in a party or crowd for hitting on and no one generally pursued him. He wasn’t someone that others hugged or embraced on a whim. He wasn’t used to being touched but he hadn’t really understood how much he missed casual touch. Even what little interaction he had was better than none, but he hadn’t really understood he’d been missing it. At his best he wasn’t comfortable, not fully, inside his own skin, but now, with all that had happened to him, he was far, far worse. Maybe it was enough. He wasn’t ready for a relationship and he wasn’t sure how he’d even go about dating again. Dating felt like a dirty word and Epi knew it was going to be a long, long time to face that cold reality. That didn’t change the fact that he was lonely and horny. His body was healing and he was in less pain than he had been in the last year. That was all good, but now his

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body was getting hungry for human contact. Nick was a friend. He’d grown comfortable around the other man’s quiet ways and stubborn silences. Nick was steady, stable and Epi could lean literally and figuratively on him. His gentle good humor and easy moods never seemed phased by Epi’s often uncertain emotions. It didn’t hurt at all that Nick was like some fantasy of the guy that Epi would drool over and yet never be able to touch. He’d be happy just to have someone like Nick as a friend, but a friend that he could have casual sex with was almost beyond belief. He was too lonely, too hungry for contact to refuse something he wanted so badly. It was just an issue of being careful and Epi was very good at being careful. He could keep things friendly and enjoy what they could together. He knew he could and that helped him relax against Nick all the way. It was actually very nice to ease back against a warm body, the rain drumming out a counter rhythm to their heartbeats. He could handle it and it was worth the risk to try.

Tori pulled the car up the lane a little faster than he should have but as he’d gotten closer to Epi’s house he’d found himself driving more recklessly. Nick’s car wasn’t sitting by the garage but that didn’t mean anything since it was the middle of the afternoon. It also meant that he didn’t have to be careful with how he parked, which was a good thing since he wasn’t taking too much care. He’d barely gotten the car in park and turned off before he had his door open and was hopping out. The winter was more mild and rainy than snowy but the air was still chilly. Tori had hurried out to make the drive up without a heavier coat and the colder air made him shiver. He hurried up onto the porch and pulled open the screen door. His fist pounded on the door but it just echoed inside the house. “Epi?” He shouted but heard no footsteps even as he pounded on the door again louder. “Screw this.” Tori had a key to the door on his ring but when he tried the knob it opened easily. The door swung open and he hurried in to escape the chilled air. “Epi?” The kitchen was empty and he hurried through the house. There were only so many rooms downstairs and he moved quickly. He expected to find Epi up in his bed, hiding under his covers, avoiding the outside world. Or he hoped to, finding him depressed and shut down was better than finding him dead. He hurried up the steps but found no Epi in bed. The bed was even made, neatly, the way Epi had always made his bed before the accident. Only this time there was a cat sleeping on the bedspread. Tori hurried through the bedrooms but found them empty. “Damn it, Epi where are you? You don’t have rehab or a doctor’s appointment or anything like that.” It was only then that he remembered the one room he hadn’t checked. It was, literally, the last place he would have thought to look but he went back downstairs. The room that had been a library and the space Epi had claimed as his office hadn’t even occurred to Tori as a place to check. The door was shut but he moved to it quickly and pulled it open. “Oh dear God!” Tori sighed out. Epi startled in his chair at his desk and scrambled to pull headphones off of his ears. “Damn it, Tori, you scared the shit out of me!” “What’re you doing?” “What? What am I doing, what the hell are you doing?”

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Tori sagged against the door frame. “I’ve been worried sick!” He rubbed a hand over his chest and hadn’t even been really aware of how fast his heart had been racing. Epi glanced around. “Why?” “I’ve been trying to get you on the phone for three days!” “Three days? Has it been so long?” “Yeah, three days. I’ve left messages but you haven’t called back.” Epi shrugged. “I turned the ringer off. Why didn’t you just call Nick?” “I did and he just says you’re fine.” “I am fine.” He stressed. “What the hell have you been up to that you couldn’t answer your phone? You scared me silly. I thought something bad had happened. I’ve been worried sick.” “I’m fine, I’ve just been writing.” “I mean you know how I worry. You know…hang on…wait…what? You’ve been writing?” Epi nodded. Tori moved into the office just to peer at the computer screen and sure enough it was filled with typed text. “Epi…this is…did you start back on…?” “No, I couldn’t work on that novel again. This is new.” “Tell me?” Epi almost blushed, he hadn’t been ready to even tell Tori he was writing again let alone try to explain the plot. “It’s not much.” Tori waved the protest off. “I mean I could get blocked again tomorrow…” “But you’re writing now. What’s it about?” “Well, it starts in 1930’s Berlin with a young American man. His parents were from Germany and he’s spending time visiting family and he finds himself in the gay nightlife of the time. Falls in love, but with the rise of Hitler his parents order him to come home and he has to leave his lover behind. They write back and forth but he loses contact with his lover and finds out through mutual friends that his lover’s been rounded up for being gay and sent to a concentration camp, but not which one. So America enters the war and he enlists as a translator hoping to get back there and find his lover, only during his time in the army he has a torrid affair with the sergeant of his unit. His very much married sergeant. But the sergeant is injured and sent home early and the translator goes on looking for his former lover. Only the war comes to an end and still no word about his old lover so he goes home assuming he’s been killed. He checks on the sergeant and finds his life falling apart, his wife has left him and their relationship is strained. When the translator gets word that his former lover is alive he goes back to Germany with the sergeant to find him. But war and suffering have changed them both and he has to pick between the man he’d loved and lost and the one that is standing by him silently loving him. Is it too much?”

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Tori stood in the door way silent and awestruck until he could absorb Epi’s new story. “No…it isn’t too much. I think it sounds wonderful. You’ve never written about a gay character before.” “It just came to me the other night and I’ve kind of gotten wrapped up in writing it.” He shrugged. “I figured it didn’t matter if it sucked, it was an idea that I could get out. I’d worry about it being good enough later.” “No…it sounds good. I…you fucked him didn’t you?” “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Tori grinned slyly. “Oh please, Mr. I’m-All-Innocent. You fucked Nick.” “If I did, which I’m not saying I did, it wouldn’t be something I would talk about.” “You fucked Nick! God if I’d have known all you needed to shake off the writer’s block was a good romp I’d have dragged you to bed myself.” “Don’t be silly.” “How was he?” He tried not to grin but he couldn’t stop himself. “If I did, it was good, really good.” Tori laughed. “Good, very good! I can read the story, right? I mean you do kind of owe me, scaring me like that. Thinking you were all depressed and upset and it turns out you’re getting laid by Mr. Hot Buns.” That made Epi laugh a little. “I guess you can, but be gentle with me.”

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Is Yet Chapter Thirty Five

“Love is a burning thing and it makes a fiery ring, bound by wild desire, I fell into a ring of fire...” Johnny Cash - "Ring of Fire"

Tori spotted Nick that evening across the yard. He was walking from the main yard and toward the out buildings and sheds that sat closer to the area that had been used for a garden. The man

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was hauling a fallen tree limb to a pile of brush and leaves he’d gathered near the garden. Tori hopped off the porch and almost had to run to catch up to Nick. “Hey!” Nick didn’t pause. “Hey!” Tori called out sharper. Nick glanced over his shoulder but kept hauling the limb toward the pile. “Saw your car, thought you were coming up in a couple of weeks?” “Yeah, so did I, but every time I called Epi it went to voicemail, and when I called you all you’d say was he was fine.” “He is fine.” He shrugged and tossed the limb onto the pile, dragging it higher onto the stack. “There’s fine and than there’s fine, and you saying he’s fine doesn’t tell me if he’s fine.” Tori snapped out. “What?” Nick frowned a little and tried to make sense of what Tori was saying. “I was worried.” “He’s fine.” He answered simply and moved further into the yard to gather up smaller branches from around the out buildings. Tori rolled his eyes but he followed. “He’s writing again.” “He said as much.” “You don’t think you could have told me that? If you’d told me that I wouldn’t have worried.” “If he’d wanted you to know he would have told you. Wasn’t my place.” “He doesn’t tell anyone when he starts writing. You’re going to have to keep an eye on him because he’ll work right through meals if you let him.” “I’ve been watching him.” Tori folded his arms over his chest and changed his tone. “Don’t hurt him, okay?” It was the sad gentleness in Tori’s voice that made Nick stop from where he was gathering another armload of branches and really pay attention to him. “He told you?” “He didn’t have to.” That made Nick pause longer before he dumped the branches on the pile. He’d read about friendships in books and seen it in movies where friends just knew each other so well they could read each other, but he hadn’t ever had that with anyone. He hadn’t really believed it existed. It seemed like an odd thing and he didn’t half believe it. “We’re just friends.” He finally got out. Tori raised an eyebrow and started to follow beside Nick, bending to pick up branches as he went. He didn’t want to get his clothes dirty, but it seemed like if he was going to get Nick to talk to him he was going to have to move along beside him. “Epi doesn’t sleep around. He talks tough and pretends he’s all tough and mean and he’s snide as hell but he’s not. Especially now, after all that’s happened? I’ve been dreading his first heartbreak post-accident because he’s going to fall apart.” His armload of small branches was sadly smaller than Nick’s but at least the other man wasn’t standing there staring at him like he was stupid for being concerned anymore.

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“It’s not like that, nothing’s changed, not really.” “Maybe not for you.” He could see that Nick wasn’t getting it, he just couldn’t tell if he was being that dense deliberately or if he actually didn’t get it. “Just, be gentle with him.” “Or you’ll break my legs?” “Please, big fellow like you isn’t afraid of something like that, but I do know a good dozen really obnoxious drag queens who would be more than happy to come up here for as long as it takes to make me happy and make your life miserable.” Nick actually winced. “That is fighting dirty. It’s just friendly, nothing more, and he’s the one that suggested it be that way.” “So you’re what? A therapy fuck?” Nick actually laughed. “Yeah, something like that.” Tori wanted to go on and make sure Nick really understood that what he considered casual and friendly could crush Epi because the man was still fragile, even if he wasn’t as fragile as he had been a few months ago. Nick didn’t seem the type to take being nagged at well, so he didn’t bother, but he didn’t want it to seem like he’d come out across the yard just to be a shrew even if he had. “Sure are a lot of sheds.” The sudden change of subject made Nick look around to see if someone had maybe walked up and joined them, but he didn’t spot anyone. He had expected Tori to threaten and rant at him for longer. “Yeah, old buildings, not used much anymore.” Tori tilted his head to the side. “That one’s got a new lock on it.” He followed Tori’s line of sight and it took a force of will not to frown. “You’ve good eyes.” “Why lock up an old shed with a new lock?” “Old one rusted out.” He tried to sound causal but Tori turned his quizzical look on him and he was sure he didn’t take it at face value. “Going to burn this brush tomorrow, it’s early but the year’s been so mild.” “Huh? Oh yeah, it has been.” Whatever was in the shed that Nick had secured with the shiny new lock, it was obviously something he didn’t want to talk about. The man never changed the subject on his own and he wasn’t the sort for casual conversation with a causal friend. “Hopefully it’ll stay nice. I’m a summer sort of person.” He was going to let the man get away with it because it wasn’t his house, but he was sure as hell going to tell Epi about it.

“So Tori found out about us?” Nick murmured against Epi’s hair. They’d started the night on opposite ends of the sofa as they watched the crime dramas Nick was surprised to learn that Epi loved. By the second show they were leaning their shoulders against each other, and by the third Epi had somehow managed to curl up against Nick. It wasn’t that he was opposed to snuggling on the sofa, but it put things into Nick’s mind he wasn’t sure Epi had in his. “I didn’t tell him.” He gathered up the remote and turned the volume down on the nightly news. “He just…knew. He said he knew because I was writing again.” “I’ve been told I’m good, but I can’t say I’m that good.” Nick teased and brushed a stray wave of

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black hair back so it stopped tickling his nose. “I’m surprised you’re not writing again tonight.” “It’s like a pressure, when a new story starts, it just has to get out to a certain point or my head will burst, and once I get there I can slow down. I know I’ve been distant.” Nick shrugged and the motion moved Epi closer against him and he got a clear breath of the other man’s cologne again. It made him a little dizzy with sudden desire. “It’s fine, I’ve been on a deadline too.” His fingers trailed after the pestering curl of hair again only this time they slipped under the thick hair and down to rub at the tense neck below. “Oh, if you can get my shoulder to stop hurting I’ll give you anything you want.” Epi sighed and tried to lean to get Nick’s hand to wander to the aches in his damaged shoulder. The thought about undid him and Nick’s fingers trailed over to the sore shoulder. “Take your shirt off and I’ll rub it properly.” It was a low, cheap high school seduction level ploy to get the man out of some of his clothes and Nick wasn’t above trying it. “I was just teasing.” Epi pulled away and started to sit up. “Hey, it’s okay. Hold still.” Nick caught Epi before he could wiggle too far away. He cut off the man’s protests by starting to rub at the bothersome shoulder. “Oh, dear God that feels good.” The purred moan made him grin and Nick used both hands to work at the sore shoulder. “What did Tori threaten you with?” “Huh?” “Please, I know him, he threatened to put ants in your underwear or something if you hurt me didn’t he?” “Drag Queens.” Epi laughed. “That’s evil.” “I know.” The tension in the shoulder eased but as Epi’s head lolled Nick’s own tension increased. “Let me spend the night.” He heard himself whispering, almost desperate for a chance to have Epi again. It had been days since the happenstance in the car and Nick hadn’t been able to bring himself to call any of his occasional lovers over. He wanted, but he wanted a second chance at Epi not just a casual encounter. “That would wander into the realm of lovers and we’re not.” “True.” Nick agreed but he leaned forward and very carefully nipped his teeth against the back of Epi’s neck. “But I want you.” “Couldn’t find anyone else to come over.” He refused to shiver at the nip and he refused to moan at the feel of Nick’s breath on his skin. “I didn’t call anyone… didn’t want anyone else.” His hand wandered down from Epi’s shoulder, but just as his fingers started to touch the wrist brace under the other man’s long sleeve, Epi pulled his arm away. Undeterred, Nick just let his hand slip over to Epi’s chest. His voice may have been steady but Nick could feel how quickly he was breathing. “Nick…”

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“It’s just sex.” He reassured. “However you’re comfortable…but I want you, Epi…” “Why?” Lust, desire and his own lack of communication skills when turned on made Nick want to scream in frustration. He didn’t want to talk, he wanted to throw Epi down onto the floor, strip him naked and do evil, lewd things to him. Epi, however, had issues and vulnerabilities and like most things, the man wasn’t easy. If he had been easy, Nick doubted he’d have become so obsessed with him. “Why do I want you? Because you’re hot.” Epi snorted a little and tried to pull away again. “Don’t.” Nick caught the more slender man and rolled him back onto the sofa, half pinning him in place with his own body. “I’m serious. I can’t help it. I find you sexy. The day of the auction? I didn’t even notice Tori’s boyfriend’s ass half hanging out. All I saw was you.” He brushed the sheltering hair back from Epi’s face and his thumb ran over the jagged scar. Epi had been too busy working to bother putting on foundation to cover it and, oddly, seeing the scar and Epi without covering was erotic. “But you still noticed his ass was hanging out.” Nick grinned. “I think everyone did, but once I saw you…it seems I can’t do just friends after all. I want you too badly. Tell me to go and I will.” He wanted to rub himself against Epi’s thigh on the hope that if the other man felt how hard he was he’d pity him and let him stay. That would be cheating, and Nick wasn’t going to push Epi that far. One of Epi’s hands reached out and traced across Nick’s arm and all the strength there. It was hard to say no when the man asking him was exactly what he fantasized about and worse, was someone that he actually liked as a person as well. All he wanted was to give in and let Nick upstairs, to take him to bed. What he really wanted was to rewind life a year and a half and be whole again. If he had met Nick before the accident, if he hadn’t still been with Timothy, he would have been the one dragging the man to the bedroom and begging him to spend the night. But time had changed him, broken him, and Epi couldn’t give in so easily. He wasn’t ready for so much, not yet, and even though his body was screaming loudly for him to give in and let Nick strip him naked his mind protested more loudly. He tried to silence all the conflicts and uncertainties inside his head, swallowed hard and licked a tongue over his dry lips before he found the courage to answer. “Here, on the sofa.” “What?” Nick answered, surprised at hearing anything other than get out. “A quick fuck, nothing more. If you have a condom.” “Yeah…but we don’t have to…go so far…I’d be happy to…” Epi pressed a hand over Nick’s lips. “I want you to.”

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Is Yet Chapter Thirty Six

“Just remind me to not sit on your sofa the next time I’m up visiting.” Tori teased on the other end of the phone, but he wasn’t at all serious. They’d roomed together for a while in college and if Epi had any odd creeping crud disease that could be caught from making out on a public sofa, Tori would have caught it from making out on the same sofa. “I’ll be sure to have it sprayed down with Lysol before you arrive. I promise.” He leaned back in the kitchen chair to make room for the cat that had curled up in his lap. “I swear, it’s like we’re sixteen or something. I never intend for things to happen, but we’ll be watching television and next thing I know we’re making out. Not that I’m complaining but it’s just…” “So not like you?” “Yeah.” From where he was sitting he could see out across the yard and the fading afternoon light, but Nick had yet to emerge from his apartment. “He keeps asking to spend the night.” “And you keep refusing.” “A quick fuck is one thing but…I mean…” “You’re going to have to get undressed around a lover sooner or later, sweetie.” “I’d rather not.” Tori tsked his disapproval. “You’re not that bad. A touch too scrawny for my tastes--and way too old and way too bitchy--but the rest is just nothing.” “Easy for you to say. Seduction for you doesn’t involve taking your leg off.” “I would do a one legged guy if he was hot.” “But I’m not.” “Pity party much?” “Not tonight, Tori, just… I can’t have him stay.” “You can, you’re just too chicken shit to try. What harm could it do? He keeps asking to stay, he’s not ignorant of what’s happened to you. God knows he’s been at the receiving end of your pissy attitude for months now. If he’s asking it’s because he wants to stay and do more than a quick fuck. You should let him.” “I don’t know.” “Epi, if you hadn’t hit that tree? You would have had that boy tied to your bed and gagged so he

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couldn’t scream for help at his first suggestion of staying the night. You’d never have refused if you’d been single. He wants more, just try it for a night and see. What harm can it do? It might make you feel better about things.” “Maybe.” A long silence lingered between them as Epi petted the cat on his lap and kept watch on Nick’s apartment door. When it became painfully clear that Tori wasn’t going to be the first to speak again, Epi sighed. “I’m supposed to go for a walk tonight. Like some stray dog. Jamie? My therapist? She wants me to walk around the yard for a half hour every night to get used to going over uneven ground. I’m waiting for Nick to finish work to come escort me. We’re tackling the back yard and the small hill there.” “You should be thrilled.” “I…I want to be a whiny bitch about it, but it is working. I still get moments where I’m dizzy or the knee can’t hold me, but I’m finding my balance easier. Jamie says she thinks I’ll be as normal as I can get soon if I keep this up.” “Of course you will be, told you if you just gave it time you’d be back up and about.” “My shrink is pushing for me to continue sessions when ours are up. Two more months and I can tell him to take a flying leap. I’ve been thinking about going off the anti-depressants.” He mentioned the subject carefully because he could almost feel Tori’s worried look from two states away. “Well.” Tori drew a breath and let it out slowly. “I wanted to say that would be stupid and you’re an idiot and the reason you’re feeling better is because they’re doing their job, but even the doctors said it might only be short term. They’ve said from day one that if you’d come to terms with your situation and accept it you would, maybe, get to a place where you’re okay with yourself and wouldn’t need them.” His answer was so much calmer, lacking all the fuss and anxiety he’d expected to find, that Epi for a moment didn’t know what to say. “Well, I won’t make that choice today. Soon though, and if I do try going off them I’ll talk to the doctors about it and let you know and call you every day again and all that crap.” He called it crap but it did scare him a little and he’d be happier to know a support system was in place, just on the off chance that his more stable moods were because of the medication and not because his life was growing more acceptable. “We’ll do that, sweetie, I’ll even come up and go to the docs with you if you want. If you want off of them, we can give it a shot.” Across the yard Nick’s apartment door started to open. “Hey, Nick’s on his way down, I’ve got to go.” “Sure thing, and look for that shed.” “Tori.” “I’m serious! Who puts a new lock on an old building that is supposed to be useless. It’s your building now, Epi, you should know what’s in it.” “I’m sure he has his reasons.” “Yeah, but what if his reasons are that’s where he has the bodies buried, or where he cooks his

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meth or something?” Epi actually laughed at the absurd idea that Nick was either a murderer or a drug dealer. “Tori, that’s stupid.” “Ask him! I want to know.” “We’ll see, I’ll bring it up if I can.” “Bring it up!” “Bye Tori.” Epi was still laughing a little as he hung up the phone and Nick came onto his porch. “Ready?” Nick asked, his coat on but hanging open and loose from his shoulders. “You’ll need a coat. It’s pretty mild now, but it’s going to get cold as the sun goes down.” Epi nodded and got to his feet, dumping the unhappy cat from his lap, and reached for his waiting coat. “I’m just grateful it’s been such a mild year. This would have been miserable to try to get around if we’d gotten snow and ice this year.” He balanced carefully as he slipped on his coat but gratefully took up the beautiful, handmade canes Nick had given him. “To the top of the small rise by the garden and back again. Think you can make it that far?” “We’re going to find out. Did you get your project done?” “Yeah. Some of the other one is yet, but that one is all.” Epi paused in the doorway and stared at Nick. “What the hell does that mean? I swear sometimes you talk and it’s like you’re high or something, and I don’t have any clue what you’re saying. Maybe I’ve had a stroke? Maybe I think I’m talking sense but I’m really saying random words like pineapple instead of door.” Rather than be offended Nick smirked as he pulled the door shut behind him. “Maybe you’ve cracked from the strain of all that writing and can’t understand basic words anymore.” “You wish, this is all your fault for being so Penn Dutchy. I think you just delight in confusing me some days.” “Honestly? Naw, I don’t, but it happens. I forget.” Rather than take the ramp, Nick followed as Epi slowly made his way down the stairs. “So, translation please.” Epi asked as he wobbled a little but safely made it down onto level ground. “I’ve some work left to do in one of the projects, but I got the other one finished. Some of the one is yet but the other is all.” He repeated with a grin. “I guess that does sound stupid if you don’t know what’s being said. “Something is yet but something else is all?” Epi tried the weird phrasing out and shook his head. “Weirdoes.” “That we are.” Epi walked along the uneven ground while hiding a small smile and not hiding how every step took way too much focus. He was getting better. A few months ago the idea of walking across the uneven grass would have scared him silly, but he saw it now as a project he could manage to tackle. His knee still hurt and he doubted he’d ever be able to walk without the brace that

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supported it, but his left leg and the fake lower part of it, while still sore, didn’t hurt with every step like it had. The new lower leg was far more responsive and made him more stable, but it was his body adjusting to the changes and adapting to how he had to carry his weight differently that were making such progress. “I don’t mean for this to sound…” Nick started but then stopped. “You’re doing so much better.” “Thanks.” And for once the compliment felt sincere and not like some special ed, slow kid being told he was growing in to his new helmet, and weren’t the stickers on it pretty. “I got a letter from my high school.” “Yeah?” “Fifteen year reunion this summer. They want everyone to email in with what they thought they wanted to be when they grew up, what they wanted to be in college and what they’re doing now.” “Ooo, sadistic.” Epi laughed, almost slipped but recovered without Nick having to help. “I thought so.” “Are you going?” He shrugged. “I haven’t thought about it. I might, just to see who’s gone bald and who’s gotten fat. Maybe I’ll email them and say I wanted to be a fireman in high school, then in college I wanted to be President of Zimbabwe, but I grew up to be a fag.” “Do it, better than being a banker or some such shit.” “What did you want to be when you grew up, Nick?” Epi asked in a falsely sweet voice but when he glanced up he was surprised at how far he’d walked with so few stumbles or wobbles. He could see the shed Tori was curious about, off to the side, and he slowly turned them to go closer towards it. “Park ranger.” “Really?” He nodded and tried to steer them away from the small out buildings. “Working outdoors, taking care of the land, watching out for people.” He thought about it and nodded. “I think you’d be good at it. So why didn’t you?” Nick shrugged. “Life got in the way. I didn’t want to stay out west, and not too many full time ranger jobs around here. Turned out I had a knack for graphic design and it’s a flexible job so…” “I understand that. If my two cents count, I think you would have been a great park ranger. What’s in all these sheds?” Nick glanced around. “Not much, been sitting empty for a while.” “Tori’s upset about the shed over there locked up. He’s all, ‘you bought the land you should go through the property’, being a nag.” “That was my Uncle Jonas’ shed. He always kept it locked up. No one’s been in it since his death.” “So you put a new lock on it?”

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“Seemed like the right thing to do. We’ve gone far enough, can you make it back?” It was an obvious change of subject, but Epi nodded and let himself get turned around to start the walk back to the house. Nick’s words were open and honest and seemed very normal, but there was something to the tone of the words that didn’t quite sit right with Epi. Nick didn’t speak often and wasn’t even remotely talkative, but that made it seem even more obvious when some hidden tension seeped into the otherwise easy going tone. It was odd enough that Epi stayed silent and focused on just walking on the way back to the house. The sun was low in the sky and the air was getting colder as he struggled back up the steps. The short walk made him a little winded, but he glanced over the yard and was surprised by how far they’d managed to walk. “Huh, didn’t fall once.” “You’re getting better.” Epi nodded. “Getting really cold out here, huh?” “It is still winter.” He held the door open a little but Nick lingered on the porch. “Coming in to watch some tv?” That had almost become slang for asking Nick to come in and make out. “I…ah….” Nick glanced inside but his eyes slipped over Epi. “I’m not in the mood to watch television.” “Not in the mood for television, or not in the mood for television?” “Not in the mood to focus on a sitcom.” Nick answered, his eyes locked onto Epi’s. There was no room in that look to misunderstand. Epi swallowed hard. “Want to spend the night?”

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Is Yet Chapter Thirty Seven

Nick shuffled his feet a little and glanced down. “You don’t have to…” “I know,” Epi answered, sounding more certain than he felt.

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“It’s okay the way it is. I know I’ve been pushing.” “Nick.” He waited until the man glanced up and he saw something in the handsome blue eyes he wasn’t sure he could identify. “Would you like to spend the night with me?” He wanted to say something soft and gentle. Nick wanted to say something tender that would acknowledge the risk and vulnerability that Epi was taking. Words were a clumsy thing to him and all the thoughts and emotions in his head never spilled out easily. He didn’t want to butcher a tender sentiment, so he merely nodded his agreement and hoped the slender man understood. Epi stepped back from the door and let Nick inside. He’d known if he offered Nick would accept, but now he suddenly wished he hadn’t offered. Butterflies were making his stomach knot up and he wasn’t sure he could stand to see disgust or rejection in Nick’s eyes. “It’s early, want to see what’s on? Watch some tv first or read?” he offered. They always had the pretense of watching tv or a movie that got them on the sofa and then into each other’s arms. They’d never once just jumped feet first into sex and it suddenly felt a little too much to try. “No.” Nick spoke gently. “Not going to give you a chance to change your mind.” “That obvious, huh?” He smirked a tight, nervous, unhappy grin as he made his steadier but still slow way into the house. Epi stopped at the bottom of the steps. He hadn’t turned too many lights on earlier and it was fully dark outside now. “You’re sure?” He glanced over his shoulder where Nick stood waiting for him to get moving again with the same steady, even-tempered expression he always. “I mean, it’s okay. I know what I look like now. What we’re doing is fine. I don’t expect you to want to…well…you know. It doesn’t hurt my feelings any, I know how I’d feel if someone looked like me.” Nick reached a hand out and trailed his fingers down Epi’s spine just to watch the other man shiver at such a small touch. “That’s because you’re shallow. Now get up these steps before I throw you over a shoulder and carry you up.” Epi’s mouth gaped a little like a fish as the soft, teasing touch mingled with the pleasantly toned insult and was topped by a threat. “You wouldn’t.” Nick just raised his eyebrows. “Okay, so maybe you would. I’m slow, but I can get up them on my feet, for the most part, on most days.” “Take your time. I like the view.” Nick teased as Epi climbed the steps slowly, balancing with a cane in one hand and one hand on the railing. “Are you teasing or flirting? I can’t tell, sarcasm seems to be your only tone of voice. And I am not shallow!” He protested but he heard Nick snort in disagreement behind him. “I’m not, I’m particular and unwilling to compromise.” “Shallow.” “I’m not.” “Would you date someone fat or ugly?” “Maybe.” Nick laughed. “Liar.”

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“Would you?” Epi challenged. He wanted to turn around and to see Nick’s eyes, but he couldn’t without falling. “I have, yes.” “Liar.” “I have.” “Just how many guys have you had sex with?” It hadn’t occurred to Epi to think about it before, but when he tried to count up the different number of men that had come and gone out of Nick’s apartment he lost track. “My share.” “How many would that be?” “Too many.” Now he really wanted to turn around to see Nick’s expression. His voice sounded hollow and Epi wasn’t sure if he’d see exhaustion or sadness on the other man’s face. “Maybe I should be worried about being another notch on your bedpost.” “I’m clean. I get tested regularly and am a safe sex fanatic.” “I’m not really worried.” He wobbled a little but got up the last few steps and sighed. “Six.” He confessed as he turned to face Nick. “What?” “Six, not counting you and counting Tori. I’ve slept with six guys. You are number seven.” “That’s a lucky number.” “If you want to get lucky you’ll stop teasing me.” Epi warned, but his feet stopped at the threshold of the bedroom. An empty room had never looked so intimidating before. “I wasn’t teasing, not much anyway.” He rested a hand on one of Epi’s very tense shoulders and didn’t give them man an option of backing out. “I’ll shoo the cats out.” Epi nodded mutely and moved to sit on the edge of the bed. He let Nick chase out Delmar, who mewed unhappily at being denied his warmed spot on the bed. Epi slowly unbuttoned his shirt and didn’t even protest when Nick turned on a bedside lamp, but his fingers stalled and he sat there, holding the edges of the fabric together. The bed sagged a little as Nick sat down beside him. One of his hands reached over and gently rested on Epi’s knee but the touch was more comforting than sexual. “I won’t hurt you.” Nick spoke softly into the heavy silence that clung between them. “I won’t.” He nodded. “I know.” “We don’t have to do this. If you aren’t ready…” Nick left the idea hanging unfinished. “I doubt I’ll ever be ready. I’d rather it were you, I just, it’s a lot, you know?” Nick nodded and let his hands slip up to move Epi’s from where they clung to the fabric of his button down shirt. The fingers were cold below his own but they surrendered their grip as soon as

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Nick touched them and fell limply down. With gentle care, Nick lifted each arm and released the button at the cuff of each sleeve and just as carefully eased the shirt back off of Epi’s shoulders. “Figures.” He grinned as he was faced with Epi still clothed. The man wore a plain cotton shirt under his semi-formal button down shirt and it covered him up almost as effectively. Epi shrugged and folded his arms over his chest. “I get cold and it’s proper.” “It’s fine, just figures nothing is ever easy with you. Have to make things ten times more difficult.” Nick mocked gently as he took up Epi’s right arm and started to release the Velcro straps that held the ugly brace in place over his wrist. “You don’t have to…” Nick’s strong hand rubbed gently at the marks the brace had left on his skin and it felt good. “I want you naked and some place where I don’t have to worry about hitting my head against the wall or falling on the floor.” Epi chuckled. “Once, you fell off the sofa once.” “Once was once too many, I still have the bruise.” The smile fled from Nick’s face. He trailed a hand up over Epi’s right arm, over the scars from trauma and surgery. The gentle touch over bared skin he’d spent so much time and energy hiding made Epi want to flinch away. He kept his head lowered and eyes on the floor as Nick’s fingers traced the scars and marks he’d always have carved into his skin. It was only anxiety and fear that kept him still, but when Nick moved to pull the plain undershirt off of his body Epi moved willingly to make it easier. “Couldn’t leave it on, could you?” Epi sighed and glanced down at his bare arms and chest. “Nope.” Nick let his hands gently trail over the scars on Epi’s ribs and could easily tell which were from injury and which from surgery. “I’ve never heard of anyone with compound fractures of the ribs.” “Isn’t common. Takes hitting something immobile with too much force, you know, like driving a speeding car into a tree. If they’d popped inward instead of out I wouldn’t have survived the night. Almost a shame.” “Don’t say that.” Epi frowned. “Maybe we should have waited longer. I could have put some weight back on, maybe starting going to the gym again, not been so scrawny.” “You’re not scrawny.” Nick whispered, his hands trailing over Epi’s sides and up to his collarbones. “Pants next.” “God, you’re going to make me get bare ass naked while you’re fully dressed?” “Yes.” “This isn’t very sexy, you know? As a seduction technique, making me feel like I should crawl under a rock isn’t very high on the list.” “You want me to take them off or are you going to?” He shook his head but Epi worked on getting his belt unbuckled and his pants opened. If he’d

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been in a hospital room he wouldn’t have thought twice about getting naked. He’d had all manner of people doing all manner of things to him since the accident and had given up body shyness, but Nick wasn’t a doctor or a nurse and it wasn’t a medical setting. Epi slipped his pants down and kicked off his shoe on his real foot. At least Nick wasn’t trying to help with this. Getting pants on or off with a fake leg was almost an art form and Epi had gotten good at it. It was easier to free his flesh and bone leg and let the pants crumble around his fake foot instead of trying to remove the fake limb from the pants leg. “Ah, should I?” He waved to the fake leg but Epi didn’t know if Nick wanted it on or off. “Just you.” Nick watched as Epi blushed as he started the practiced ritual of taking the leg off. He hadn’t blushed the last time Nick saw him taking the leg off. It was different with Nick just sitting there watching what was a very intimate thing when they’d been intimate. The more he tried to ignore Nick’s eyes on him the more he felt them and the more he blushed. His hands started to tremble, but he got the leg off as if he was going to sleep and placed everything just where it belonged. He moved just as nervously to pull off the brace on his knee and set that aside. It left Epi sitting naked but for his boxers on the edge of his bed with Nick sitting beside him still fully dressed. Every scar, every loss and horrid injury had been written into his skin and it was all right there to be seen. He found himself brushing his hands across his body as if he were brushing dirt away with the silent hope that maybe he could brush his hurts away so easily. “I think the worst thing for me was when Tori had to help me to the bathroom. I couldn’t walk that far and the nurses were busy. No friend should have to do that for another friend, it’s too much to ask.” “No friend should have to ask.” “Nick?” “Yeah?” “I don’t think we can do this. I’m…I’m just…” “Beautiful.” “Hardly.” Epi was prepared to dig his heels in and be stubborn on the issue. He could see with his own eyes what he looked like. He didn’t need false words or comfort and he couldn’t stand to look over and see insincerity in Nick’s eyes. Only Nick wasn’t going to let him hide for too long. One of his hands trailed up Epi’s shoulder and to his neck. Gently Nick tilted Epi’s face up and then over so he could lean in and kiss him. Epi didn’t protest and he didn’t fight against it, he just closed his eyes and tried to forget reality for a moment. If he just pretended hard enough, it would be okay. Fortunately, the way Nick kissed made it very easy to pretend he was healthy, handsome and whole. Nick kissed like he meant it, like the person he was holding was everything in the world, and Epi drank in that fantasy because he needed it so desperately. “Do you have lotion?” “Huh? Tori left lube in the drawer.” “No, lotion.” “Like hand lotion?” Epi pulled away and frowned. Romantic fantasies generally weren’t stopped

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to worry about dry skin. “Yeah.” “Ah yeah…” He waved to the dresser table where a small tube of hand lotion was dropped beside his glasses case, an old bobby pin and a half eaten candy bar. “Why?” “Because I’m going to fulfill my promise.” “What?” He was frowning now, confused, and for a second forgot he was almost naked with all his new flaws exposed. “Shut up and lay down, I’m going to give you a back rub.”

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Is Yet Chapter Thirty Eight

“What?” “Lay down.” Nick pushed a little on the tense shoulders and shook his head. Epi paused only a moment longer before giving in and slipping further back onto the bed. He laid down awkwardly and with almost painful self consciousness, but he was afraid Nick would just toss him down if he didn’t obey. Before he could even try to get comfortable, Nick pulled the pillows away and tossed them to the far side of the bed. “Hey.” “Stop bitching.” Nick found the bottle with the pump top and got some of the lotion out to warm up on his hands. “I don’t think this is a good idea. I’m not real into the whole touchy feely thing.” The last thing he wanted right then and there was to lay splayed out, half naked and face down and try to pretend to relax. It almost became okay when Nick slipped over and sat across Epi’s hips. The warm weight of the other man’s body across his ass felt pleasantly nice, even if it only served to remind him of how trapped he still was. He tried not to frown as Nick scooted around a little to make sure his weight wasn’t pressing too hard onto Epi and it would have been amusing, or at least lead to things more amusing, if circumstances were different. Barely warmed lotion covered hands slipped across his shoulders and Epi flinched a little.

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“Sorry.” Nick’s voice rumbled from behind him, but Epi didn’t turn to glance back. “’s okay.” If Nick wanted to try to play nice nursemaid, Epi wasn’t going to complain. If the man hurt him he’d put an end to it, but he was willing to bet Nick would grow bored with the idea fairly quickly. The lotion warmed up under Nick’s hands and it started to feel good. Epi had never been as much into massage and spa things as Tori was, but he’d often give in and go with his friend. It wasn’t that he hated it, he just didn’t see the appeal that Tori did. It wasn’t until Nick carefully, and skillfully, started working at his damaged right shoulder that Epi began to understand. Epi winced a little but it wasn’t because it hurt in a bad way. On the contrary, it hurt in a good way as tension and stress was carefully soothed out of tense and very sore muscles. Nick worked at his shoulder until it stopped hurting and was limp and soothed as it rested against the bed. Only then did Nick move on to work at his neck, his other shoulder and down his tense spine. “Oh…dear God where did you learn to do this?” Epi sighed as Nick found and worked out the pain in his lower back. His hands were warm and strong, slick and firm and it was just what his aching body had needed. “Knew a massage therapist for a while, he taught me a few things.” Epi wanted to say something clever, but all he could do was moan as Nick worked back up his spine. He heard Nick chuckling a little but it felt too good to care. When Nick’s hands worked their way down his back again they caught on his boxers and, as Nick slipped back from where he sat across Epi’s ass, he tugged the fabric down with him. He let Nick pull the cloth away and off his legs and felt a lewd grin peek across his lips. “Trying to seduce me?” “Shut up and enjoy it.” Strong hands returned to Epi’s lower back and worked again, but this time they moved lower. He hadn’t understood how sore and painful the muscles around his hips were until Nick’s hands massaged them into relaxation. All he’d known was his back hurt, all the time, and his shoulder and leg and knee and too many other places to list. Nick rubbed across his hips and down to rub the muscles of his ass, which felt odd since there was nothing sexual about the touch at all. “Bony ass.” Nick whispered. Epi half sat up and turned to glance over his shoulder. “Hey!” he saw the grin plastered on Nick’s face and glanced lower to where his friend’s strong hands were working over his ass. “Yeah, so it is.” “You’re supposed to be shutting up and enjoying it.” He rolled his eyes and flopped back down onto the bed. “You’re so odd.” “Shut up.” He couldn’t quite shut up without a sigh but he managed to drop his head back down onto the bed. It did feel odd to have Nick’s hands on his bare ass but he couldn’t debate the effects. As the muscles there started to relax he felt tension deep around his spine dissolve and his legs eased without Nick even having to touch them. Just because he didn’t need to touch them didn’t mean he avoided them. Nick’s hands slipped to the back of Epi’s thighs and he had to draw in a breath to keep from tensing right back up. There was no way Nick was going to go lower and he

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wasn’t going to tense up and worry about it. Which almost seemed to magically make Nick’s hands glide lower down Epi’s amputated leg and dangerously close to the healed stump. He flinched and tried to pull away but Nick’s hands held him securely down. When the strong hands actually touched the healed wound Epi almost sat up again. “Don’t!” “Shhhh.” Nick whispered. “Nick…” He turned but the steady ease in the other man’s blue eyes stopped his protest. It was a part of his body he didn’t even like to touch and he laid back down, tense and unhappy, and closed his eyes. “It feels weird.” He finally confessed. “You should touch the end of your leg and have toes or touch your leg and not be able to curl your fingers around the end of it. It’s just so wrong feeling.” He hadn’t even been able to tell his shrink that, how wrong his body felt to him now, and the whispered, shame filled words made him blush. “Is just flesh and skin, bone and muscle. Nothing wrong with it.” Nick answered softly. The quiet acceptance made Epi want to shake his head in denial. “I don’t like you touching it.” “I like touching you.” Epi shivered at the whispered tone to Nick’s voice as much as the hands that glided up his damaged leg before he moved to the other side where his strong hands focused with surprising tenderness on his fragile knee. “That isn’t me.” He denied. “I’m not some cripple, it’s not me.” It wasn’t until Epi heard the tight near panic in his voice that he really was able to feel it. It wasn’t until he felt something other than anger that he understood how numb he’d been since the accident. The sheer volume of hurt and panic that swept over him frightened him so Epi did the only thing he knew how to do. “I’m tired of this, stop it.” He pushed everything down, squashed every really honest emotion that Nick’s careful touch and gentle eyes had pulled from him and lashed out. “No.” Nick answered firmly but with the same careful tenderness he had been using with his touch. “I’m serious!” Epi snapped with a sharper tone and tried to squirm his way up. Nick was no longer sitting across his hips but the man’s hands were strong. Luckily for Epi he was also slick with lotion and as he pulled away Nick’s grip didn’t tighten. “Either fuck me or leave. I’m not into mind games and I won’t be fucking toyed with!” “Shut up.” Hands caught at Epi’s arms and he tried to pull away but he was awkward. Without thinking he tried to brace his left foot on the bed for leverage and found he had no foot. The same thing happened with his right leg except he forgot how little pressure his knee could take with the brace off. He winced and heard the hushed little gasp of pain he hated giving voice to leak out as he batted at Nick’s hands. “I’m not joking! Stop!” Nick only shook his head and slipped back a little bit to let Epi sit up. It gave Epi the advantage he needed to try to shove Nick off the bed but it didn’t work out that way. Somehow Nick caught Epi’s arms and pulled him off balance again and this time when Epi tumbled he fell hard into Nick’s arms. He tried to push away but it felt like the room was spinning and he couldn’t breathe and no matter what he did, Nick just seemed to pull him closer. “Let me the fuck go!” “No.”

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“Da…damn you, Ni…Nick…” He hiccupped out and wondered if he could punch Nick in the balls or poke him in the eye to escape and still remain friends with the man later. “I’m…Jesus…I need my pills.” Epi knew when he was having a panic attack and had long since given up any stubborn pride about pretending he didn’t have them. Nick just shook his head. “No, not this time.” “Fuck you! Let me go!” Epi snarled and struggled again but wound up with his head pillowed against Nick’s chest. “We’re not going anywhere until you actually have a real, human emotion other than anger.” “You’re being an asshole! Let me go!” Epi bucked and tried to throw himself back. Instead of breaking free of Nick’s arms he only managed to toss himself back onto the bed, on his back this time. Nick followed and quickly had him pinned back down, this time more securely, between his body and the mattress. Epi squirmed but he couldn’t out muscle Nick and Nick was too stubborn to give up. Nick’s head dropped down and tucked against Epi’s neck as he continued to fight. “It’s not you.” The whisper was so soft compared to how roughly Epi was trying to push Nick away that it shocked Epi into stillness. He lay there, pinned to the bed, gasping for breath while feeling lightheaded and buzzy on panic and fear. Epi panicked whenever he got too close to the truth of what had happened to him, but the sharp panic only made him feel weaker and more broken. It only seemed to wound him deeper instead of healing. “It’s not you.” Nick whispered again with more force. “It’s just flesh and bone, that’s all. It’s not you. You’re more than flesh. I…you’re smart and stubborn and proud and beautiful inside and out.” The words were like acid and Epi would have run from the room naked if he had the legs to run with. He struggled again but one of Nick’s legs slipped between his own and pressed down in just the right way. Something other than self hate and disgusted panic wormed its way into Epi’s mind. “If you knew how many times I’ve jerked off thinking about you…” Nick sighed and the breath became a caress. “No scar could make you less beautiful.” “Stop it!” Epi hissed back but the words sounded less like a demand now and more like a plea. “No.” “Please…” The word was a beg now, a desperate cry to be allowed to shut everything back down. Epi couldn’t do that while Nick’s warm body was holding him still, while he was naked and vulnerable and being told he was beautiful. Nick shook his head no again, the tips of his hair just barely brushing against Epi’s skin. “What happened was horrible but it is just flesh, it isn’t who you are.” That was too much. Epi put his hands on Nick’s shoulders and tried to shove him away again. “What the hell would you know about it? You’re fucking perfect!” His struggles weren’t getting him anywhere but it felt good to try. “I…” Nick started and stopped. “I know.” He finished. “It hurts but it’s not you. I understand.” “You can’t! You can’t know what it feels like…” Epi gasped out, growing more lightheaded and

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trapped feeling. “I loved him so much and he…” “Betrayed you. It’s okay.” “It’s not fucking okay!” Epi shouted back to Nick’s calm but he had nothing left in him to struggle with. “It’s not okay…it’s so fucking not okay…I’m disgusting.” “No, you’re not.” Nick lifted his head from where he’d hidden it against Epi’s shoulder. “I feel disgusting. I feel so ugly and…and so old all the time. And I’m going to be alone, I’m going to grow older and be alone forever. I’m going to die alone and the only person that’s going to miss me is my agent because he’ll lose his commission.” “Tori will miss you, he’ll be heartbroken.” “Stop dumping your fucking logic over my illogical emotions.” Epi scolded and caught the quickly hidden smirk that flashed across Nick’s face. “Sorry.” “I hate being alone.” The words tumbled out. “I can do it, I can do it very well and no one can see how much I hate it but I do. I hate being alone. That’s why I stayed with him, you know? Even when it was bad because it was better to ride out the bad than be alone and he did this so I’ll always be left lonely. He broke me and left me ugly and alone and no one is going to…” He anger bled out of Epi and he shriveled into a weak heap below Nick’s strength. “I’m so fucking lonely.” The words felt like he was spitting out shattered glass they hurt so much to say but as soon as he managed to say them he could breathe easier. “Jesus.” Nick pulled away a little and risked letting go of Epi to free a hand. He brushed Epi’s hair back from his face. “See? A real human emotion other than anger, you can cry if you want, I won’t think less of you.” Epi had never been so grateful for the slight hint of teasing easy good humor Nick’s voice often carried as he was in that moment. “Blow me, and no, I’m not going to cry.”

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Is Yet Chapter Thirty Nine

“Best suggestion you’ve made all day.” “What?” Epi didn’t need to question further, Nick’s lips started to nuzzle at his neck. “Nick…I’m really…really not in the mood.” He protested but as hands slid over his ribs Epi arched against

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the touch. His words may have protested but his body was ruled by his nerve endings and they were screaming for more. “Shut up.” Nick chuckled. He wanted to protest further but Nick found that spot on his collarbones that turned Epi’s body to jelly. It was such an odd, random spot and it tickled and felt insanely good at the same time. He hadn’t thought his sensitivity at that spot had been so obvious but Nick didn’t even pause this time. Before Epi really understood what Nick was doing, his teeth were nipping his collarbones and Epi found himself moaning in agreement. “I don’t want to fight anymore.” Epi heard his voice whisper but he hadn’t given any thought to the words. “I just…I just want to…” Nick stopped teasing at the soft whisper and pulled away enough to look donw on Epi but the slender man had his eyes closed tight. “What? You just want what? Tell me and if I can give it to you I will.” The question caught him off guard and the sudden cease fire on his nerves allowed his brain to really think about things. He opened his eyes and fell hard into Nick’s sincere blue but he found himself shaking his head. “I don’t know.” That made Nick smile his small, slightly sarcastic grin. “You don’t know what you want?” “I…” Epi scrambled across his mind and emotions and tried to make sense of what he felt under the bitterness and anger he’d been wrapping himself up in. “I want to feel whole. I want it to be okay.” He made a face and frowned. “That sounds so incredibly lame. I’m sorry, could we just get to the fucking part?” “I like your kind of lame.” Nick confessed. “And let me try to make it better…” “Nick? Nick what are you…?” He tried to catch Nick’s arm but the man moved too quickly. There was no more teasing, no more questions but Nick was still grinning a little as he pulled away. It felt absurdly erotic to watch Nick, still fully dressed, slipping down his own naked body. It stopped feeling absurd when Nick dropped between his legs and sucked Epi’s hard on fully into his mouth. There was no warning, no tease, Nick just dropped down between Epi’s legs and proceeded to blow him. For a moment it was one of the hottest things Epi had ever had happen to him. Nick was straight out of one if his fantasies, masculine, strong, independent, confident and so all American handsome he could have been a model of what the advertising industry thought a fireman or Marine looked like. The very idea that someone like Nick would want him was silly but here he was, nestled between Epi’s legs and trying his damnedest to turn Epi into a moaning, drooling, wanting fool. The scratchy rough feel of Nick’s well worn and quite soft clothing offered a delicious counterpoint across his exposed skin and he drank in the warmth from Nick’s body. Even the smell of the other man’s cologne left him a little lightheaded and lost in the moment and Epi prayed it all wasn’t some wonderful wet dream that he’d wake from. That moment melted away. It was a fantasy no matter how real it was. Epi tried to pull his legs up, to press his feet into the bed to spread his thighs wider and invite deeper contact only one leg found no purchase on the bed. He glanced down and saw the shrunken, scarred stump as it tried to brace against the bed. Nick’s hand slipped across his hip and up over his chest but all Epi could see was how the strong hand looked out of place across his battered flesh. It seemed like Nick’s fingers were there just to point out every ugly scar Epi hid behind his clothing. Maybe it was the way Epi’s body tensed up in a way that wasn’t the same as desire or maybe it

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was the fact that he stopped quietly moaning but his unease was quickly communicated to Nick. He gently stopped his efforts but his hand slipped around Epi’s cock and gently stroked it while he glanced up to where Epi was half sitting up and watching with wide, uneasy eyes. “You’re thinking again.” Nick accused. Epi shook his head and didn’t really answer. “Stop it.” “Nick.” The name was a plea but Epi wasn’t sure if he was begging for his friend to stop or to ignore his unease and continue. Nick’s smile lost its sarcasm and was just tender. “I like your flesh.” He answered gently. “You just have to get used to liking your flesh too.” The smile made him feel both warmer and a little queasy but his body liked the way Nick’s hand was so skilled at stroking him. It was an uneasy combination of feelings and sensations. “Maybe I don’t want to like it.” Nick shrugged one shoulder. “Then you’d be a fool. You didn’t die, Epi, and if you end up alone it’s your own stupid fault.” The words were far more brutally honest than he’d expected. Epi had spent over a year in therapy looking for some honest answer to his current reality. A year spent trying not to talk about what had happened or his relationship before they’d hit a tree. It had been a long year of promises that he’d adapt and be happy again while he sat there and mentally flipped his shrink off. A long span of months and far too much money and he’d discovered no great truth or uncovered the wise words that would make things start to be better and here, in a moment far too intimate for such truths, Nick had casually dropped the words he needed to hear the most into his hands. “Lay down and try to enjoy it or you’ll hurt my feelings.” The words were gently teasing but Epi found himself nodding with far more solemnity than was needed for the light tone. Nick’s hand was quickly replaced with his mouth and the skilled, teasing wetness made Epi’s breath freeze in his lungs. He closed his eyes so he didn’t have to see Nick’s strong hand stroking his broken body and he didn’t have to try to enjoy it. Nick was skilled, Epi had learned that in the car wash, and had a solid eagerness for fellatio it was just that being ambushed with a blow job didn’t normally happen to Epi and he was still getting used to it. He felt like he needed to say he was sorry for enjoying it, for being damaged, for just lying there and passively finding his own pleasure. Nick’s free hand slipped between his legs and cupped him. The hand was warm and strong and absolutely perfect. He stopped having to try to not think about not thinking and just fell into the moment. His legs fell apart and he surrendered to anything Nick wanted to do to him. He stopped feeling sorry for accepting pleasure that didn’t feel like something that belonged to him and shivered in sensation instead. Nick’s hands teased him and yet made him feel protected and his mouth was a delicious torment. It felt okay again and for the first time in more years than he cared to remember, Epi gave in and enjoyed sex without thought about consequences, fear or the emotional baggage of a complicated relationship. “Oh dear God you’re good at this…” Epi moaned softly. His spine arched and he no longer could feel the constant nagging pain in his back. His hands curled up and gripped the covers below him and his wrist didn’t ache. When he came, crying out without any effort to hush his pleasure, he was certain the toes on both his feet curled up with the force of his release.

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It left him weak and mewing softly to himself, his head turned to the side. The fact that he didn’t have a leg no longer seemed as important and his pleasure hazed mind didn’t remember all the scars and wounds long since healed he still carried on his skin. As he lay splayed across the bed, shivering as Nick’s hands continued to pet and touch his body, Epi felt attractive again. More than that, he felt sexy again like he never really had even on his best of days. “Oh…” He sighed as Nick’s give his softening length a few more tormenting licks before retreating. “Oh dear God…” Epi opened his eyes in time to see Nick carefully wiping at his lips and if he hadn’t been so totally exhausted he would have frowned. “You don’t have to, you know. I can put on a condom. Should anyway…is safer…” Nick shrugged. “You’re clean.” “How can you be sure?” “You’ve seen more doctors in the last year then most folks have in their lives. If you had something they’d have caught it.” “Maybe I’m horrid and just didn’t tell you.” That just made Nick snort a little but he didn’t comment further. Instead he pulled his t-shirt off over his head and dropped it on the floor beside the bed. Without encouragement or invitation he started removing his pants as well. Epi watched without guilt or shame. One advantage of being naked and exposed for Nick to see was the promise that Nick would also be just as bare and available to be ogled. It seemed a proper trade off and one Epi thought he was getting the better end of the deal out of. Nick was a feast for the eyes, strong and lean, well toned shoulders that tapered to a slender waist and flat stomach. Nick was absurdly handsome and Epi let himself lay back, content and well satisfied and drank in the sight of the other man disrobed. “Condoms and lube are…” He pointed to the night stand drawer. “I know.” He sighed and stretched out, waiting for Nick to fetch what they needed. Epi just stayed where his body had collapsed and waited for Nick to spread his legs wider, waited for Nick to slip the condom on his own length. He’d just stay there waiting while Nick glided over him, held steady by his strong arms, and slipped into his waiting body. He might not come a second time, he wasn’t eighteen again, but he would thoroughly enjoy Nick taking his own pleasure deep inside of Epi’s body. “I’d forgotten how much I like bottom.” He admitted. “It makes me feel all languid and spoiled, like some well pampered celebrity or something. Careful or I’ll demand you fetch me bottle water.” Nick’s smile became indulgent but he didn’t move toward the nightstand drawer as he finished dropping his clothing on the floor. Instead he leaned forward and started to tug at the covers, pulling them free from where they were tucked around Epi’s pillows. With quick motions he flipped the sheets down and over where Epi lay naked and flopped on the bed. “Ah…Nick?” “Come on, under the covers.” The old fashioned sentiment made Epi smile and shake his head. “Wouldn’t want you to get cold or anything.” He squirmed and wiggled his way to the head of the bed and crawled under the

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covers. The cotton was chilly against his naked skin and he remembered that it wasn’t just modesty that kept him sleeping in pajamas. He didn’t have enough time to grow cold. Nick quickly slipped under the covers with him and the stronger man radiated heat and warmth. Epi closed half closed his eyes as he let his knees fall apart, inviting with his body if not his words for Nick to slip over him and push his hardness into him. That would be warm too, hot really, like the feel of Nick’s hands on his shoulders. Epi gave in to the gentle prodding and let Nick roll him over onto his side. He tried to roll further but Nick’s hands stopped him. Epi didn’t protest because it was quite comfortable, he was groggy from a really amazing climax and he tended to sleep on his side. Nick’s warmth suddenly enveloped him. The man was strength and heat from head to toe and he easily molded himself along Epi’s back. One of Nick’s hands slipped across Epi’s chest and settled there. Their legs entwined together. Nick’s head tucked against the back of Epi’s neck but the best of all was how Nick nestled his very hard and very, very hot, cock right along the crevice of Epi’s ass. It felt amazingly nice and Epi sighed happily. He forgot that Nick hadn’t fetched the lube or condoms and he didn’t care. He could take a rougher joining and the position would be one that would almost force gentleness. Only Nick settled in and didn’t move. He pressed his length tighter against Epi’s ass but made no move to go further. His hand stroked lightly over Epi’s chest but didn’t seem to deliberately touch any inch of skin that had any erotic overtones. Nick gently kissed the side of Epi’s neck but it had a good night kiss feel to it not a sexy feel. “Ah…Nick?” “Hmm?” “When are we getting to the sweaty sex part?”

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Is Yet Chapter Forty

“Who says we are?” The casual statement that burst so many of his expectations froze Epi’s thoughts in place. “Oh…well I just assumed…” Nick shifted behind him. A hand pulled Epi closer before petting up across his hair. It was almost cruel to be pressed so tightly together, naked skin to naked skin, with Nick’s trembling cock crushed against his ass with no promise of more. All it seemed to do was remind him of what he’d forgotten, that he was broken and ugly now. It wasn’t even like Epi was something new for

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Nick to find amusing. They’d been having sex like horny teenagers for too long now for new to survive. Epi tried to squirm away from the closeness but Nick’s hold on him was absolute. “Shhh.” Nick whispered against his hair. “Just enjoy it, stop thinking.” He scolded lightly. His breath was a tickling hush across Epi’s skin. “I don’t think I can.” He heard himself confess. The dimmed light of the room, the vulnerability of being nude, mixed with Nick being behind him and out of sight made a safe little bubble to be honest in. It was surreal, the whole situation was surreal, and that made it okay to stop pretending that everything was okay. “Timothy didn’t hold you like this?” Nick’s voice was as gentle as his softly petting hands. The mention of his lover’s name made Epi flinch a tiny bit. A good day was one where he didn’t think about Timothy. An okay day was one where he was angry at him, and a bad day was one where he saw his shadow everywhere. The last thing Epi wanted was to have him brought up at such a raw moment, but instead of running from it Epi felt his head shaking no. “Never.” “Has anyone?” “No.” “That’s a shame.” Nick spoke gently but there was no pity to his voice. “I don’t like having to rush the sweaty sex part. Things are better…slower…sometimes…” He made his point by pushing his hips forward a little, pressing his length in a slow crush harder against Epi’s ass. The feel made Epi lightheaded. Nick’s body really didn’t move all that much, but that extra sensation of force when everything else was so gentle made him shiver. He wanted to hide his reactions and be all suave and cool, but the words and the tingling fire along his nerves from that slight rocking forward made Epi moan. The hands disappeared from his body, Epi presumed because of how the surprising pleasure made him relax even against his will, taking away his threat of squirming away. Only, before he could ask or whine about where the warm contact had gone, Epi heard the unmistakable sound of a tube being opened. “Oh, cold!” Epi hissed, his body jerking away from the cool gel, but he didn’t go very far. Nick’s arm slipped around his chest again even as the lube was glided across his ass. “I can help warm it up.” Nick whispered. Nick, slick and hard now, glided against Epi’s ass. If the slightly forceful, gentle rocking against his body had felt good, this felt a thousand times better. He forgot that he was supposed to be self conscious, forgot that he had no promise of sex and instead shivered under the raw pleasure of Nick slowly thrusting in slick motions against his flesh. It felt dirty and intimate and frightfully good. All stubborn protests dissolved from his thoughts and Epi found himself moving with Nick, matching his slow, long gliding strokes with unspoken encouragement. “Oh God…this is…” Epi lost his words as Nick’s shivering breath fluttered across his ear. “I…I like this…oh…” It stopped mattering if they actually had intercourse. He stopped caring if Nick was going to slip from slow glide against Epi to slow glide into Epi. This was good, wonderfully good, and warm and safe and more erotic than anything he’d experienced. Most of all, the soft sliding of their bodies was enough for Epi. Even if it wasn’t enough to get him fully hard again he didn’t care, it was enough just the way it was and it was so very good. “Mmm Nick…this is…this is so…so nice…” He sighed and let go of all his worry and fears to just swim in the gentle teasing motion of their bodies, slicked and warm, gliding against each other.

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It was hypnotic. The feel of Nick’s hands stroking across his chest as his hard cock slipped easily against all of the sensitive spots most of his lovers had never discovered combined and made him dizzy with gentle need. It was erotic and sexy without being demanding and he closed his eyes and rode the steady rocking thrusts and he allowed himself to enjoy the simple sensation of it. It all blended into a wonderful medley of subtle pleasures for Epi, even the increasing panting, desperate quality of Nick’s breath against his neck. It was so wonderful and perfect he didn’t care if Nick rocked against him in shuddering, slippery gliding strokes until he came and they didn’t do a single more thing the rest of the night. He was so mellowed, floating on the sheer pleasure of touch and contact, that Epi felt but really didn’t register when, instead of sliding along him again, Nick slipped backwards a little. He felt the coolness of air where fiery skin had soothed him but it didn’t feel wrong, it just was a new sensation and he sighed at the change in the feel. His ears caught on the sound of something crinkling. It was a sharp sound where there had only been sighs and moans before. It could only be from one source and Epi grinned lazily. “That’s my boy scout…” He whispered. Nick hadn’t only brought his own little tube of lube but a condom as well. There would be no need to fumble around in the nightstand for the never used accessories Epi had on hand. Nick slid forward but this time the hot length that had been rubbing so wonderfully against Epi didn’t slip along his slick flesh but pressed against him. There was a little fumbling as Epi tried to continue the slow, smooth rhythm they’d established and Nick tried to steady himself. All at once everything lined up and as Epi rubbed backwards, Nick pushed forward. They hung there for a heartbeat as Epi’s body stubbornly protested the change in motion and sensation but the stubbornness didn’t linger and Nick’s hips slipped him forward to fill Epi. It was what he’d wanted and now that he’d been given it Epi found himself lost in taking. Nick slipped back and out before rocking back in, deep and hard and Epi moaned. He gripped the sheets below his hands but it didn’t feel like enough of a hold to keep himself together under the assault of so much pleasure. Nothing in the world mattered as Nick took him, long, slow and deep, so long as he was able to lay there and drown in the sensations. “M..more…” He moaned and tried to push back harder against Nick. Nick shook his head, the tips of his hair sweaty now with passion brushed against Epi’s skin. “No…won’t rush…” It hadn’t occurred to Epi until that second that the pace, the slow, slippery motion of their bodies gliding along one another, hadn’t changed now that Nick’s length was going into his flesh instead of against it. The slow pace was almost a torture before, but knowing that Nick hadn’t altered the gentle contact in the least made it psychologically as well as physically straining. He needed more, needed it faster and rougher, because for pleasure like this to linger on for any length of time was too much to bear. “Ni…Nick…don’t tease!” He groaned out and tried to squirm from his side to his belly and maybe encourage Nick to pick up the pace. “Not tea… teasing… Epi…God, you’re so… going to take my time.” He declared and Epi heard the stubborn tone. He hadn’t found a thing in months to sway Nick when he had that stubborn tone to his voice and he doubted he could think of something now when his brain was turned to mush. “Please… pl..please Nick… please…” He whined and begged as each slow push into his body rocked him forward and made him shiver. The sheets rubbed against the head of his cock, trapped now hard and wanting again and painfully forgotten after such lovely attention earlier. Epi wanted to stroke himself, a few quick touches to find release and be free of the sensual

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torture Nick’s stubbornness was putting him through. The only trouble was he wanted to be tortured. He wanted to shiver and writhe beneath the tenderly strong hands and beg for Nick to forget his control. He wanted the glittering world of pleasure to continue even as it stripped away his pride and haughty distance and made him whimper and beg for every motion in and out of his body to be a bit more demanding than the last. “No…no…no…” Nick repeated to Epi’s begging pleas. Each denial matched the slow, steady pattern of his body against and in Epi’s. Nick’s control was cracking and Epi could feel it. It was in his shuddering breath as he panted for air and refused to surrender to Epi’s desires. It was in the shorter pause between each thrust and how Nick no longer could stall each rocking motion as much as the last one. It was in the rougher way his hands stroked across Epi’s body, moving now to erotic areas to tease and torment Epi’s nipples and flutter across his collarbones. His hands knew he wanted more and were taking it, touching skin that had nothing to do with casual, intimate contact and everything to do with desire. They shuddered across his ribs and down over the side of Epi’s hips where the bones were still a little too sharp from having been hurt for too long. The smooth flats of Nick’s fingernails glided over the skin of Epi’s lower stomach and drifted downward, drawn by what he wanted and what he wanted to deny them both. “Oh dear fucking God!” Epi almost screamed as a strong hand wrapped around his too long neglected cock. It was too much, felt too good on top of too much intimate sensuality and Epi felt his eyes roll up in his head. “I…I’m…” but he didn’t even get to finish his warning before his body shuddered. The orgasm swept over him. It caught him off guard from the level of its intensity and he heard himself almost whimpering in shuddering moans. His legs tried to curl up and his spine arched as he came, spilling his release out over Nick’s hand, his own hand and his sheets. Epi didn’t care, there was no room left in his world to care about such simple, silly things. His body was twitching and shivering under Nick’s and he was blind from pleasure. That was all that mattered. He barely felt it when Nick rolled him a little from his side to his back. Any other time he would have been self conscious in this position, Nick’s hands now on the back of his knees, his legs spread and his missing leg and foot so obviously not in place but his body was tingling and all of what he’d normally feel seemed petty and silly. He liked the feel of Nick over him, his legs held in those strong hands. More, he liked the way it felt to have Nick plunging roughly into him while in that position. He liked hearing the almost growling groans as Nick rushed toward his own release and liked being able to lay below him and lazily watch the look of pleasure bordering on pain Nick didn’t bother to hide from his face. Most of all he liked being pinned under Nick as the mind blowing release dimmed to warm and content pleasure as Nick took him as roughly as he’d begged only a few short moments before. Nothing seemed able to get better until Nick’s groaning whimpers of desperation fell silent as he chocked for breath. His face twisted up and in open surprise as his hips pushed so deeply into Epi’s calming body that Epi was rocked with the force of the need. Epi understood that all that had happened would have been imperfect if he hadn’t been given that single chance to watch as Nick died a little and came from the pleasure he’d gotten in Epi’s damaged and broken body. It made Epi feel almost like a man again to see that look, to feel that passion over him when he thought he’d never feel that again from any man. It made all of their quick fucks on the sofa seem like mere foreplay and Epi knew as Nick collapsed down against him, gasping for breath and moaning softly, that he’d never be really satisfied again unless he could have Nick over him, naked skin to naked skin.

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Is Yet Chapter Forty One

Sleep hadn’t been difficult to find but for Epi it had turned out to be something difficult to keep. As soon as he’d rested enough to not be exhausted he was awake. It wasn’t like he was going to complain about it, waking up wrapped in Nick’s arms, was worth waking up to. He’d lain still and tried to get back to sleep but his mind was awake. He wound up laying there thinking too much and slowly becoming more and more aware of how naked he was and how serious what they’d done was. It made the intimacy of laying so close together too much to take. Experimentally he tugged a little away and found Nick asleep enough to escape his arms. Epi wanted to get up and put clothing back on but that would require leaving the comfortable warmth of the bed. Instead he settled for sitting up, turning on a small light and finding his glasses. His book was on the bedside table, a biography of Abraham Lincoln, and he settled in against his pillows to read until he could sleep again. He soon learned he wasn’t the only one to have trouble sleeping. Nick turned over in his sleep, an arm flailing out. His forehead crinkled up and he frowned. Epi put his bookmark back in it’s place as Nick muttered in his sleep, caught in another bad dream. Epi waited a moment to see if it would pass before he reached over to touch Nick’s shoulder. “Nick?” The touch or his whispered name made him moan a little in his sleep and groan unhappily. “Here now…wake up…” He spoke a little louder and shook Nick’s shoulder. “Wha…?” Nick jerked awake. He was breathing hard and his eyes darted around the room. “God.” He sighed and flopped limply down onto the pillows. “Bad dream.” Epi spoke gently. “Yeah, sorry.” “Don’t be.” He wanted to ask if Nick was okay but before he could say anything more Nick sat up and slipped out of bed. The man was as naked as when he’d fallen asleep and didn’t seem to be at all worried about it. Epi got to watch like some perverse voyeur as Nick walked from the bedroom toward the bathroom without looking back. He took up his book again but he was only pretending to read it. “Sorry.” Nick muttered as he came back into the bedroom. He carefully shut the door behind him to make sure no cats snuck in. “It’s fine. You okay?”

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Nick only nodded as he sat on the edge of the bed. “Want me to go?” “What?” Epi frowned and put his book back on his lap. “Why would I want you to go?” He shrugged and glanced over his shoulder to where Epi sat under the light of the dim lamp. “You’re not sleeping.” “Oh, no, I have trouble staying asleep. I have my whole life. So long as the light doesn’t bother you.” “It won’t.” “Than stay, please?” “You sure?” “Yeah.” He forced a smile. “I miss sleeping next to someone. I’ve never spent so many nights alone, always had a roommate at school and then college and Timothy. I’d be happier if you’d stay.” “Okay.” Nick nodded and slipped back under the covers. “Warmer under the covers than out.” “Well if you’d put some clothes on.” Epi grinned. “Not that I’m complaining about the view.” That made Nick smirk back at him as he settled back against his pillows. “That is, if you can stay without having a nightmare. Have them often or is it just because of me?” “Often enough.” The grinning smirk fled his face. “My shrink is shocked I don’t have nightmares. He’s slightly offended by it I think. I never have dreams, not really. What’re yours about? Maybe if we figure out what they mean you’ll stop having bad dreams.” “It’s just dreams. They don’t mean anything.” Nick’s short tone made it clear that it was a subject he didn’t want to talk about so Epi left it alone. “Maybe.” He answered and tried to show an interest in his book again. Only it was really hard to read with Nick laying there, naked in his bed, watching him. “Stop that, I can’t concentrate.” “Sorry.” “You don’t sound sorry. I should have put a shirt on.” “I’m not complaining about the view.” Nick teased him back. “I like the way you look in your glasses.” “They make me look like a geek.” “I think they make you look smart, like someone in Hollywood’s idea of the hot English professor.” That made Epi laugh. “Kind of you but still a geek.” “I’m serious. I might beg you to put on your school uniform and wear your glasses for me.”

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“And what? You’d be my teacher?” “I have a couple of nice ties and button down shirts.” Nick’s tone was only half teasing and Epi was only feeling like half refusing. “Maybe. No promises!” “Good enough for me.” “Timothy always wanted me to get contacts.” “Hmm I’ve another reason to dislike him. Glad you refused.” “You’re teasing me now.” “No, I really like your glasses. I like seeing you naked wearing only them. Makes me think things I maybe shouldn’t.” Epi smiled softly. “You don’t need to try so hard, you know.” “What?” “You don’t need to flirt. I know what I am, I’m okay with it, or as okay as I can get. I’m not going to say no to you so you don’t need to try, okay?” Nick sat up and stared at Epi for a moment to see if what he’d said was some perverse joke. “You don’t get it, you still don’t get it. I’m not trying, I really do think you’re hot, the glasses just make you hotter. And no offense but Timothy was an idiot. I’d keep you naked in bed all day if you kept your glasses on.” Nick saw the doubt in Epi’s eyes but also saw the little blush that crept across his face. Epi was obviously not used to compliments and it was another thing he added to his ‘hate Timothy for’ list. It was uncertain territory but Nick decided to plunge into it. “I know you loved him but I’m glad I never met him.” “Timothy?” “Yeah. I wouldn’t have liked how he treated you. He took you for granted.” “He didn’t, not always. I…the drugs…he wasn’t the easiest of people. I think a lot of chiefs are like that, they have troubled teen years, get in trouble, that sort of thing. Cooking really saved him, gave him a place and people he related to. I guess that sounds like an excuse but he wasn’t used to people sticking it out with him. His parents gave up on him when he got in trouble as a teenager. He was too much work so they turned him loose and cut him off. When we first got together and it sunk in to him that I… well that I get attached and don’t leave people easily, he appreciated me. He would cook for me and bring home flowers or send me romantic emails.” “Until the drugs.” “Well, no, until we lived together for a while. It tapered off. I guess he did start to take me for granted but the drugs really screwed everything up. He was always the sort of person that took a lot of effort to get along with but I found myself just giving in to what he wanted a lot.” He shook his head. “Want to know something I’ve never told anyone before?” Nick wasn’t entirely sure he was comfortable with secrets. He’d never had a friend he was close enough to share such personal things with. “If you want to tell me.” He answered carefully.

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“When he was in rehab? I wasn’t allowed to have any contact with him for the first thirty days. Than I was allowed to send him letters so I wrote to him like everyday. He would write back like once a week.” “Selfish.” “I didn’t mind.” He dismissed it now but he had minded, he’d minded it a lot at the time. “He was busy, it’s hard work. So sixty days go by and I’m allowed to call him so I do and he says can you come to one of my therapy sessions.” “You went.” “Of course I did. It was day seventy two, I had this calendar with the days counting down until he could come home. So I get there and his shrink tells me I’m not supposed to say anything. That I’m to sit there and just let Timothy speak, that he has things he needs to say to me without the pressure or fear of a fight or debate. That he needs to speak emotionally to me and my role was to sit there and listen.” Nick propped himself up on an elbow and grimaced. “That sounds like an ambush.” “I thought so too but I figured if this was something he needed to get better, I could deal with it.” “What happened?” Epi sighed and put his book on the small nightstand. “He proceeded to tell me how selfish I was, that I was both smothering him and ignoring him. He told me that I both babied him and treated him like a child and ignored him when he needed help. He told me I should have helped him more and been more understanding of the things he’d been doing to get money while at the same time he rip me apart for having a single one night affair. He called me clingy for wanting to love him and cold for not loving him enough.” “God.” “Until the car wreck? That was the worst forty-five minutes of my life. And I went home and he didn’t say another word about it until he called like a week later to say he hoped I didn’t mind him telling me the truth of things because he really thought I needed to hear it.” “It’s a good thing I never met him.” Nick spoke softly but the threat was in his voice. “And I still loved him, even after that. I still looked forward to him coming home. I still miss him.” “And you never told anyone about that?” “No, who was I going to tell? All my friends were his friends too and Tori would have strangled him with a pair of pantyhose. I wanted him to have a chance to come back to his life and didn’t want to add more resentment to things but it hurt, you know?” “I can imagine.” “Want to hear something else I’ve never told anyone?” “Sure.” “I’m glad he didn’t survive the crash. Isn’t that horrible? I’m just…I miss him so much but I’m free. I don’t know if I could have left him. Isn’t that the most pathetic thing ever?”

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“Being loyal isn’t pathetic but I wouldn’t have liked to see you hurt anymore. It sounds like he hurt you too much before the obvious.” It made Nick a little sick to think of his Epi living with a man that treated him like a toy to be broken or played with on a whim. “I miss him, I don’t miss the drama that came with him. I’m a horrible person.” “No you aren’t. If you’d been my boyfriend, I’d never have done anything to see you looking even a third as sad as you do now.” The words were painfully romantic and the sort of things told to other people. Epi had always been far to practical to expect to hear such things from anyone, not even someone he’d shared his bed with. They made him blush and he knew he was blushing so he didn’t even try to say anything. The only thing worse than blushing over a statement like that would be to stammer some mashed up words. Nick grinned as Epi’s face turned pink. “Think you can try to sleep again?” “I don’t know…” “Come here, lay down with me…” Nick petted Epi’s arm softly and lifted the blankets up a little. “I’m warmer than Abraham Lincoln.” “And better looking.” Epi added as he put his glasses and book on the nightstand and turned out the light. Nick’s arms wrapped around him and pulled him down and Epi sighed. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to dump all that on you.” Nick kissed the back of Epi’s shoulder as he snuggled his body around the more slender one. “I didn’t mind.” It felt like more than just sex and that made Nick’s stomach turn over a little but for once, he didn’t mind that either. Nothing with Epi was ever simple and he was starting to like that.

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Is Yet Chapter Forty Two

When they’d crossed a line on the epic rainy afternoon back seat romp, Epi was fairly sure it had been a mistake. The line between just friends and friends with more was one that wouldn’t be redrawn and he wasn’t sure he’d been ready for physical intimacy again. Only it hadn’t seemed to change anything between them, excepting out the hot sex they kept sharing on the sofa. It was

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sexy and hot and Epi thought he could deal with it all and still keep things casually friendly between them. He’d been wrong. The back seat wasn’t the line and neither was their playtime in the evening on the sofa. There was no line there just a natural progression of their friendship. It had taken a leap of faith but he’d misjudged the amount of risk involved. Each step further their relationship took didn’t seem to change anything because the line Epi had thought they’d crossed hadn’t even been in sight. The line, as it turned out, wasn’t in the backseat or sofa but in his bed. It had taken being stripped naked and the careful intimacy of real, full on, sex to cross that line he’d thought put to rest already. There was no doubt they’d finally crossed the line when Epi woke up the next morning and Nick was gone. Worse, Epi knew they’d crossed a line when he woke up in an empty bed and felt alone. He was always alone but rarely felt alone. The times he’d been acutely aware of the emptiness of his life were the times when Timothy had been away, off to rehab or out getting high and leaving him behind. It was a bitter truth but Epi was willing to admit it. He said he could do casual. He’d scolded Nick that what they were doing was just sex and didn’t mean anything and it had been the truth. It had been just about sex and had just been something extra two friends could share but that was before they’d crossed the line. The line made all his silly thoughts to just being causal go out the window and Epi was man enough to admit it. It was why he didn’t do casual flings. Sex without even friendship left him empty and cold but sex with friendship was a recipe for things to go wrong. He couldn’t share so much with someone he liked and not have it mean something more or worse, become something more. They were just friends and it was Epi that had said it was only sex so Nick didn’t owe him an explanation as to why he wasn’t there the next morning. He had work and often was gone very early and had never asked or bothered to tell Epi which days he’d be staying home and which he’d be working with his father. There was no reason to change that now and it all made logical sense but Epi hurt a little that Nick was gone. He knew he got attached too easily but he’d charged over that line and it was too late. Things got worse as the day melted away into two and than three and Nick was barely around. He still came by to check on Epi and take care of the cats. He still drove Epi to his appointments like clockwork but he was as silent as he was when they’d first met. Nick didn’t linger to watch tv or share dinner with Epi and when asked all he would say was that he was swamped with work. Which might not have been a lie. Epi had seen first hand over the months how Nick’s workload would wax and wane as freelance work came in and dried up. He had disappeared for days, weeks on occasion, as he tried to juggle the projects his father needed help with and his own work but this time Epi’s own self conscious fears whispered that it was more. Maybe there wasn’t a new slew of projects with tight deadlines? Maybe this time Nick felt they’d crossed a line too and regretted it? It was bad enough that Epi was developing feelings for Nick but he could hide those, he was good at that but to lose his friendship too would be brutally painful. It bothered him so much he almost brought it up in therapy. If he had it would have been the first current, serious subject he’d trusted his therapist with but at the last moment he changed his mind and let the man ask him about his mother again. He let it ride, going unspoken between them, for days. If they were just friends, Nick had a right to not want to fuck him every night. It was only if they were more than friends that Epi had a right to be upset and since he was the one that had gone on and on about them being just friends he couldn’t suddenly change the rules now. It was only because he was lonely and getting sullen and pissed off that he made up his mind to extend another offer to Nick and hope the man got the hint that he should accept. “Hey?” He asked as Nick was scooping out cat food from the bin.

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“Yeah?” “There’s a movie on tonight, shoot I can’t think of the title. It was out a couple of summer’s ago the big blockbuster thing with the superhero with wings? It was supposed to be good in a mindless kind of way. I didn’t get to see it and if you didn’t see it I thought we could get a pizza and see if it stinks.” He balanced a little on his feet with a bit more focus than he needed anymore. The last thing he wanted was to stumble and have to have Nick catch him. Nick poured the cat food into the bowl and ignored the happy meows that followed the sound. He glanced up as he dropped the cup back into the bin and shut the lid. There was something to Nick’s eyes that made Epi pause. It wasn’t regret and looked more like fear. It wasn’t something obvious like a fear that Epi was going to make a scene or be clingy, it lacked the worried hint of embarrassment such social screw ups carried. Instead it looked internal and reminded Epi of how frightened he’d been of Nick really seeing his scars. A fear he still had and Nick’s sudden distance since their night together wasn’t helping to lay to rest. “I can’t.” He finally said. “I’m going out. Rain check? I’ll bring the pizza and beer?” The rejection made Epi’s chest feel like it had been stabbed but he nodded and forced a smile. “Sure. Where you going?” Nick shrugged. “Just have this thing I have to go to. Nothing important but if I don’t show up…you know how it is. It’s half work anyway.” It sounded like some sort of party and it hadn’t occurred to Nick to invite Epi to go along. Sure, Epi might have said no. He didn’t like being around strangers on the best of days and hadn’t really socialized since the accident and wasn’t sure he was ready to be the odd fellow with the canes at some get together. The trouble was, he might have agreed to go along. He was lonely and if Nick had invited him he might have gone just to spend time with the other man even if he would have dreaded and hated the party. Only Nick didn’t ask him and obviously didn’t feel like explaining it further. Epi’s smile became a little more forced. “Half work things aren’t ever any fun. I’ll see you tomorrow?” Nick just nodded and Epi didn’t watch him leave.

Epi stayed up until one am and he swore to himself it wasn’t because he was waiting up for Nick but he half knew he was. It was only around one that he gave up and went to bed and Nick’s car still wasn’t back yet. He’d sat all night watching tv but not really paying attention, too distracted to write like he wanted to, and stewed in his emotions. By the time he settled in to sleep he was cursing himself for being a fool and letting himself develop feelings for Nick. Guys like Nick didn’t get attached to guys like him and Epi knew it. He should have been happy they’d been friends and casual fuck buddies but now he was all emotional and was going to screw everything up. He knew he was going to screw it up and knew he wouldn’t be able to stop himself or force himself to pretend like it was still casual. He didn’t toss and turn. That wasn’t how Epi was. If he got to sleep, he slept. If he couldn’t fall asleep there was nothing short of strong drugs that could make him. He had crawled into bed and expected it to be a no sleep for the weary kind of night but as soon as he stretched out he’d drifted off. He slept soundly and woke up far earlier than he normally did and found he hadn’t even tossed and turned during the night.

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The sun was just starting to come up and the drab winter birds that tucked themselves into the trees outside chirped and sang brightly. Epi woke up to their music and wasn’t sure he could get out of bed. He was warm and safe under the covers, tucked in and sheltered from having to face Nick and worse, from having to face his own stupid emotions. The sun was bright and the birds were happy and he needed to pee so Epi gave in and crawled out of bed. He took his time getting ready but soon ran out of things to do. He made coffee as the sun started to rise and he figured it was almost, nearly, a decent hour of dawn instead of the crack of. The sun had some warmth but the air outside still had the chilled bite of cold winter morning but Epi found himself drawn to it. He poured his coffee and pulled on an ugly, warm lump of a coat he only wore for comfort and went out to sit on the porch and listen to the birds. The morning was crisp and cold but the sun had the hints of spring warmth and his coffee and coat kept him comfortable. He swore he wasn’t going to think but rather would just sit there and enjoy the moment. He would have succeeded if he hadn’t looked toward Nick’s apartment and instantly spotted the second car parked next to Nick’s own small, modest sedan. It was fancier than Nick’s car but not flashy and he didn’t know it. There was only one reason why there would be a second car parked in their lane and it made Epi forget about the beautiful bird songs or the good coffee in his mug. He felt like he’d been punched in the chest but he refused to admit it. “Chill out.” He whispered. “It could be anything.” And even if it was what it seemed, Nick had every right to do what he wanted. He didn’t owe Epi anything. He knew he should go inside and try not to care but he couldn’t bring himself to. Epi sat on the porch, curled up in his too big and too ugly coat and drank his coffee while staring at Nick’s apartment door. Even after he finished his coffee and he started to get cold he stayed where he sat because the idea of going inside made him feel colder. He had to sit there until he knew for sure if it was what it seemed. His wait wasn’t that long. The apartment door opened and a man Epi didn’t know stepped out. He was dressed in slacks with a button down shirt open over a white undershirt. Over his arm was a suit jacket and tie that he hadn’t bothered to put back on and his shoes had a nice shine to them. Epi frowned but he had to admit the man was handsome, as all American straight man looking as Nick was but with a more polished cooperate look to him. It didn’t solve anything, the man could have been just an old friend, an out of town business traveler that had crashed at Nick’s place instead of a hotel. Epi wanted to believe they’d maybe gone to college together and that was it. What chance he had of denying the obvious truth was shot down when Nick followed his guest out onto the small porch. He was dressed only in a pair of sweatpants and thick socks and whatever he said to his guest made the other man stop and nod. Something else was said before the man in the rumpled suit reached out and caught the back of Nick’s head and pulled him in close for a searing kiss. Epi felt the blood drain from his face at the same time he felt flushed in embarrassment. Nick didn’t protest the kiss and returned it as skillfully as Epi knew he could kiss. It lingered on for a moment before the suit-man finally broke it and turned away from Nick with a contented smile on his face. He took the steps with a skipping pace and it made Epi sick to watch. He had no claim to Nick but he felt faint and embarrassed and queasy all at the same time. It was too much to sit and watch. He had lain himself bare and vulnerable before Nick and the man had brought some stranger home who couldn’t even be bothered to stay for breakfast. He stood up to go in as the man reached the bottom of the steps and hurried to his car. Epi didn’t want to glance up to the small porch outside of Nick’s apartment but he did and he caught Nick watching. The man wasn’t watching his guest leave but his eyes were fixed on Epi. The easy grin he’d been wearing was gone now and the only expression on Nick’s face was one of blank shock.

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Epi frowned and disappeared inside to soak in his own misery.

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Is Yet Chapter Forty Three

Epi stumbled into the kitchen and dropped himself into the first chair he came across. The last thing he wanted was for Nick to come down to explain but that seemed less painful than Nick not saying a word. It seemed impossible that Nick wouldn’t come by, at the least to make sure the cat food bowls were filled for the day and while Epi wanted to run away and hide in his bedroom until he knew Nick was gone, he stayed sitting in the kitchen. He was still sitting there, silent and upset, when he heard Nick’s car start and slip down their lane. It took a few seconds for what had happened to sink in but when it did Epi’s hurt started to change into anger. Nick had seen him, he’d known Epi had known. There was no doubt from the look on Nick’s face that the other man had been aware of the fact that Epi had been upset and yet he’d just left. He hadn’t come by to check on him even with a silent visit that made no attempt to explain. He had just left. Nick had just seen his one night stand off, gotten ready for the day and disappeared without so much as a word, like it was any other day. He poured himself another cup of coffee and sat. Logically he told himself to calm down. Nick wasn’t his, he had no right to be upset with him. He was his own man and could do whatever he wanted. If he should be upset with anyone it should be upset at himself for screwing up and getting attached. Nick had never hidden the fact that he was a slut and Epi had known it. He’d broken up with the closest thing Epi had seen to a boyfriend to him because the man had gotten to used to them being together. It was always right there, bald and bare and Epi had made the choice to ignore it. It left him feeling hurt and angry. The more he drank his coffee and thought about it the more angry he got. It was just easier to be pissed off than to be hurt. He had been stupid and Epi shook his head at his own blind faith that somehow, magically, Nick was going to change just because the night they’d shared meant something to Epi. For the first time since he’d moved into the house he felt alone in a bad way. Tori has always been a short drive away. The two of them had always seemed to move into places fairly close to one another and when bad things happened they’d always been there for each other. If he hadn’t moved so far away, and if he could still drive, he could have gone over to Tori’s spa and whined at him. The other man would have sat with him and agreed. They’d make tea and Epi would let Tori talk him into getting his hair cut or a massage or some other silly thing that Epi didn’t necessarily care about but Tori enjoyed sharing with him. It wouldn’t make it go away but it would make it better. For the first time the isolation felt like a trap. His coffee had gone cold before he stood up. The phone was in the living room and he made his

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clumsy way there only to drop onto the sofa and hesitate to call. Tori would be busy, he was always more busy in the mornings. Worse, if he called and sounded too upset he might drop everything and drive up to see him. While Epi would have welcomed the company, he didn’t want Tori to feel like he had to babysit him. In the end he dialed the number with a sigh and listened to it ring. “Heya Sweetie Pie, are you okay?” Tori answered. “Yeah, I’m fine.” “I’m kind of in the middle of something can I call you back?” Epi clapped a hand over his eyes and forced the disappointment and emotion from his voice. “Sure.” The line went silent. “Hang on.” The phone took on a muffled tone as Tori put his hand over it. “Look, I don’t give a flying fuck what she said if she does it again bounce her skinny ass out of here without debating the issue. Do you understand me? Good, now shut the door behind you.” There was a pause and the sound of a door shutting before Tori sighed. “I swear, I hate people some days. Now, I’m alone, tell me what’s on your mind?” “I’m fine.” “Bullshit you are, you sound upset, what’s happened?” “Promise me you won’t wig out and come up here to make me hot cocoa or something stupid?” “Jesus it must be bad, let me sit down. And yeah I promise, now tell me.” “It’s stupid, it’s me you know how I am?” “Tell me, baby…” He didn’t mean to but when he opened his mouth everything came pouring out. He wanted to just whine a little but once he started he found himself telling Tori about the hot sex and the cold morning and all the trouble and anxiety that had followed. Out spilled about how Nick hadn’t hidden the fact that he didn’t do relationships and how many men had come and gone over the months. Epi followed that with a rant about his own stupid personality that couldn’t do casual, even if he’d thought he might be able to, and how horrible he felt now. “Epi, I know Nick is hot and I’m glad you’re getting to bang him but something isn’t kosher. Something is going on with that boy and you need to figure out what it is right now.” “But…” “Don’t but me, you wouldn’t write this shit off as just being who he is with anyone else. He’s hot but he’s evasive and something is going on with the bigger picture.” “I don’t think so…Nick seems very…well…he doesn’t seem like the sort that could hide something.” “Please, why do you think he keeps everyone away? I’m not going to tell you to smack yourself upside the head for thinking you could do this without getting attached because, honey, if you actually could you wouldn’t be the wonderful man I love so dearly but I am going to tell you he’s not blameless in all this. You need to know him better and he isn’t going to tell you.” “What do you want me to do?” Epi groaned. “Break into his apartment?”

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“I’ve been in his apartment, there’s nothing there. You need to get into that shed.” “Oh not the shed again.” “I’m serious! You can make fun of me all you want but he’s hiding something in there. I mean what is it? Is he into something kinky?” “Not that I’ve noticed.” “Okay so maybe he’s…maybe he’s growing pot or cooking meth? I mean have you really seen him doing this graphic design work? I mean he says he freelances but have you seen any of the projects he’s worked on?” “No. Everything is up in his apartment.” “Okay, there’s my point. I didn’t see one graphic design book in his place. Maybe he really does freelance or maybe he’s cooking meth out back and making money that way.” “Tori, don’t you think you’re being a little silly?” There was silence and than a sigh. “Maybe a little but I’m serious too. Maybe it isn’t drugs…” “He doesn’t use.” “You’re sure?” Epi nodded. “I’m certain. I’d know. Timothy did everything, I’d know if Nick was using something.” “So maybe it isn’t drugs. Maybe he’s smuggling in sexy Asian men to sell as sex slaves.” That made Epi chuckle a little. “Besides, won’t it feel good to know? To go in to and see? When you know he doesn’t want you to? Won’t it make you feel better?” He was petty enough to know it would. “And what happens when it’s nothing? That it really is his dead uncle’s old shed that has like a wheelbarrow and a rake in it?” “So what if it is just that? It’s your shed now and you’ve a right to get into it. It’ll still piss him off that you didn’t ask. He’s hot but he needs to be knocked down a few pegs and reminded he isn’t king of the roost and can’t get away with everything.” “So I should punish him for my stupidity?” Tori made a rude noise over the phone. “Please, like he’s all innocent and lacking fault in this. He’s not a stupid man. Even if you didn’t get attached to the people you take to bed, taking you to bed is a big deal. He’d have to be dumb to not understand that and he did it anyway. Why else did he scurry away this morning? He knew he’d fucked up big time and ran off with his tail between his legs. If he was anyone else I’d say he would come home with flowers but I doubt the boy has the emotional common sense for that.” “Tori…” “Look, do you want to sit there and cry or be mad and do something?”

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Epi muttered. “I can’t hear you.” “I want to throw something at him.” “Yeah but you throw like a girl. You okay? You sure you don’t want me to come up? I don’t mind.” He wanted Tori there. “Naw, I fine. I mean I knew, you know? I knew…” “Still stings.” “I’m going to go open that shed. It’s going to be a wheelbarrow I know it.” “Call me when you know, I want to know too, and if this doesn’t work break into his apartment.” “If I have to do that you’re coming up here to get arrested with me.” “Deal!” Tori chirped up happily. “Seriously, call me if you need me, you know I’ll be there in a heartbeat.” “Thanks, Tori.” “Welcome. Call me?” “Yeah yeah, thanks for listening.” “Anytime.” He didn’t run off to the offending shed after he hung up. Epi sat on the sofa and worried over it. He’d always respected other people’s privacy and hadn’t snooped. It was a cardinal rule at boarding school where so much that should be private wasn’t. There was some merit to what Tori had said, something was wrong with Nick, beyond him being a slut and the only thing the man had tried to hide from him was that stupid shed. He was honest enough to know he wanted to break the door down just to annoy Nick and get back at him but he didn’t like that aspect about himself very much. “Damn it, he deserves it.” That settled things and Epi pried himself up to get dressed for the day and go out into the backyard. He knew where Nick kept his tools. The one side of the garage he lived over was neatly lined up and well cared for equipment and Epi didn’t feel the least bit bad about using Nick’s own tools to snoop. There was no hope of finding a bolt cutter, even if Nick owned one the thing would be too heavy for Epi to juggle while he got himself out across the yard to the shed. He did spot a cordless electric drill and the bits that went with it and a small crowbar. It was those things he gathered up and held carefully as he made his slow and unsteady progress across the yard toward the only locked outbuilding on the property. “Figures it would be so far away!” Epi cursed as he stumbled but kept his feet. “With my luck I’ll fall and get stuck and have to wait until Nick gets home to get back up and oh no I wasn’t sneaking out to your shed to pry the lock off I thought it would be good exercise to walk around with a fucking crowbar.” He muttered and complained the entire way but step by step he made it out to the small, faded white building. Just as he’d thought the padlock was secured through a hinged piece of metal that slipped over a loop. That made getting the lock off easier and it surprised Epi to see how much newer that

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hardware looked compared to the door handle and the hinges on the door itself. It didn’t matter, it wouldn’t take a master locksmith to break in and he put the pry bar down to fiddle with the drill. He set it for reverse, put in the right screwdriver bit and lined it up with the screws holding the one side of the hardware in place. There was no need to remove the lock if he could remove the latch the lock was hooked through. Epi lined everything up, leaned his weight into it and pulled the trigger. The drill shook in his hand and the screw whined but after a single uncertain moment it started to work. It took a little effort but very little time before Epi had four screws in his hand and the one side of the hardware swung free. He could put the screws back in and walk away, Nick would never know and his anger wasn’t quite sharp enough to want to really hurt the other man. He wasn’t the sort for vengeance or payback. He was more of the mope and run away and take it kind of guy. “I’m tired of being that guy.” He told himself as h pocketed the screws and dropped the drill onto the cold winter ground.

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Is Yet Chapter Forty Four

The hinges on the door were tight but it opened with a creak. Inside was dim but he peered inside hoping to see something that made what he was doing worthwhile. There wasn’t any wheelbarrows but neither was there any signs of pot plants or crystal meth. Epi sighed and found a light switch to the side of the door. He flicked it on and started to feel stupid. The small shed had been turned into a small room. An old kitchen table was pressed to one wall, beside it an old single door refrigerator was tucked. There was an old, well worn arm chair made of green corduroy and several other cast off old office chairs and the like that looked straight out of the sixties. A plastic milk crate was shoved against the wall and inside were several dozen crushed beer cans. Worse, everything was coated in a thick layer of dust. “Great, it’s just his uncle’s hang out.” He flopped himself down onto one of the dusty chairs and stared around at the pin up posters stapled to the walls. None were too racy, most were posters for different beers and had girls in wet tank tops and short shorts. Something glossy caught his eye near the green chair and he leaned over and pulled it out. Not surprisingly, it turned out to be an old porn magazine. “Great, it’s his uncle’s wank shed.” He brushed the dust off the well thumbed magazine and found himself staring at the cover. Almost against his better judgment, Epi began to flip through the pages. “I just don’t get straight people.” He thumbed past photo shoots of cheerleaders and lewd cartoons without really paying attention to it but his flipping stopped when he came across something shoved in between a couple of the pages.

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Epi turned the Polaroid photo from out of the center of the magazine and turned it over. It was faded, some of the colors were smearing from age and it took Epi a second to understand what he was seeing. It wasn’t a family snapshot or a picture of some place or thing. It wasn’t anything he could have imagined in a million years and as his mind made sense of the picture he felt something horrible settle in his stomach. The photo was obviously self taken. The camera had been held out and up and the shot taken downward. Epi made out the spread legs covered in denim and the obvious flashes of pale flesh peeking out from where a shirt was pushed up and the pants opened. There was no mistaking the head buried in the photographer’s lap or what the second person was doing. A self taken photo of a blow job wasn’t shocking, the size of the person kneeling between the spread legs was. The head was on the small side and the photographer’s other hand covered the back of the dark head. The shoulders were narrow and slender, the hand on the side of the man’s hip was small. Either the person kneeling was a very small woman or a child. Epi’s mind shied away from the truth of the photo and he found himself staring at it to try to make it something other than the obvious. Worse, the longer he stared at it, the more he was certain the person on their knees was a boy and the more it made sense that the photographer would be Nick’s uncle. “Don’t jump to conclusions.” Epi told himself but he glanced around the small shed and saw the old Polaroid camera hanging from a nail on the wall. “Jesus…” He glanced to the photo again and saw the ugly old green chair across the room was the one the man in the photo was sitting in. Nick’s beloved Uncle Jonas was a pedophile and worse, Nick had covered it up for years. It made Epi queasy to think about and he sat holding the horrible photo unsure what he should do. He knew he should call the cops, right then and there and let them deal with it. Only, if he did that, he’d never get any answers out of Nick and he found he needed to know why the man would cover something like this up. It wasn’t like dear old Uncle Jonas could be arrested, he’d been dead since Nick was in high school. If there was closure to be found by whatever boy was in the picture, it couldn’t be found in the justice system. Who was to say the boy would even want anyone knowing or seeing that picture? And really, it wasn’t like anyone could identify the boy from the back of his head. They’d have to go over every boy Jonas ever had contact with, question them, pry open old wound. Epi didn’t like it but it was better to just keep it quiet for now. At least until he could ask Nick what the fuck he thought he was doing hiding something like this. He dropped the photo onto the table and flicked the magazine off to the side to let it fall back by the green chair. It was only then that Epi saw the stack of other magazines peeking out from behind the chair. His stomach turned over but he moved to gather up the porn and started flipping through them, one by one, looking for more photos. He wasn’t sure if he was comforted or worried that the search of the porn magazines proved nothing more offensive than a male model with a mullet. Epi restacked the magazines onto the table and shook his head. It wasn’t likely that someone would take one single kiddie porn photo, not when it was obvious they’d never been caught, had a private place to abuse a kid from and a camera that produced instant photos. He hoped he was wrong but as he’d flipped through the magazines he found he needed to know for certain that the single Polaroid was the only one. It felt wrong to be in the shed now, beyond snooping where he didn’t belong, but Epi started searching. The old fridge had been turned off but beer cans still sat inside waiting for someone to drink them. He found a couple more magazines and an older Polaroid camera that was broken, some flashbulb packs for the camera on the wall and some packages of film. The old kitchen table had a single center draw and inside that he found some old markers, a pen and notepad, a few wads of carefully folded clean tissues and a bottle of baby oil but nothing more sinister.

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He searched his way around the room and found nothing incriminating until he found a small, metal lockbox that was tucked half under the old green chair. Epi had to struggle to haul it out but he tugged and got it free. It was latched shut but not locked and Epi popped it open and lifted the lid. Inside were envelopes, large manila ones and he pulled out the first one that his hand came across. There was nothing written on the outside and Epi opened it carefully. There were no Polaroids inside. Instead Epi pulled out black and white sheets of paper with photos printed on them. The quality was low and it looked like some old club’s newsletter. Only the club wasn’t about fishing or fixing cars but featured stories of men and boys and photos reprinted in grainy blurriness of bad things being done to boys with eyes that were too old. There were no names used and each stapled together section of papers had only volume numbers instead of a title but Epi had no doubt the images were real. He shuffled through them quickly, feeling sicker as the stack continued to grow but it was only at the end of the pile that his hands slowed down. The at home printing gave way to glossy color photos on slick paper. It took Epi a second to understand that the last third of the stack of child porn wasn’t porn at all but pages torn out of catalogs and magazines. Boys posed in their underwear or playing in their swim trunks. Smiling pictures of older men in flannel sleeping pants with a hand resting on the shoulder of a boy dressed in similar clothes suddenly looked dirty. They weren’t posing as father and son selling matching sleepwear but something more horrible and as Epi flipped through the torn out pages images of handsome older men with handsome younger boys became the norm. “Sick fucker…” Epi shook his head and shoved the whole pile back into the envelope. He knew he should stop. He had plenty to confront Nick with but like watching a train wreck he had to see it through. It was some morbid fascination with needing to see all the disgusting truth that Nick so casually locked away that made him take up the next envelope. This one did have photos in it. More Polaroid images but most seemed far more innocent. There was a good four or five different boys, all around thirteen or so. Epi saw some common themes, they all were about the same age, they all had beer cans sitting near them and all the photos started out perfectly innocent. Most of the boys were posing like muscle men and as he flipped through the photos some even had their shirts off to pose. Not all the boys went so far and the last couple of photos went further and showed a few of the boys sitting in one of the other chairs, a beer in one hand and a skin magazine in the other. The last two pictures in the stack where of two different boys obviously jerking off with a hand down their pants, the beer forgotten. Epi quickly shoved them back into their envelope and felt like he might be sick. There was one last envelope and it was the thickest of the three. Epi wasn’t sure he wanted to open it but he was equally sure he needed to open it. His hands were shaking as he slid out more Polaroids, dozens of them and this time all of the same boy. This set had no teasing lead in of playing fake muscle man and these photos weren’t stacked in a neat order. He tried not to look as the pictures became more explicit but his hands stopped on one photo. The boy in this one stood facing the camera. He was naked and his hands hung awkwardly at his sides. Epi tired to guess his age around fourteen or so, his shoulders were still narrow like a boys but he had the look of a kid on the edge of a growth spurt. It wasn’t the boy’s age that caught his notice but the boy’s eyes. Sad and serious and bright blue, they peered out from under glossy brown hair from a face, that while younger, was one Epi knew. “Oh, oh no…oh fuck no…” Epi moaned a little as he studied the boy’s face. He was younger, sadder, but there was no doubt the boy was Nick. Photos didn’t weigh much but they felt like a ton in Epi’s hands. He stumbled to the table and began laying them out. Soon across the dusty surface horrors appeared like some perverse patchwork. Adult hands covered young skin, young hands touched adult skin, there were pictures of Nick naked, pictures of him that were worse. The abuse was pervasive and the photos

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documented it. Some he had to guess were Nick because no face could be seen but always the glossy brown hair gave the younger version of his friend away. The last photo was one photo too many and one Epi could have gone his entire life without seeing. Nick was pushed down over the same table that Epi had spread photos out on, red welts were on his ass and thighs, slender but sharp looking and again Jonas had photographed himself. Only this time he hadn’t snapped the instant picture of himself being blown by what had to be Nick, this time he’d taken a picture while he raped the younger boy. It wasn’t the abuse that pushed Epi over the edge from queasy to actually staggering outside to vomit but the look on Nick’s face. The boy’s hands were dropped on the table, his fingers half curled up but lifeless. His head was turned to the side. His face was slack and blank, his lips parted a little, his eyes were locked straight head but glossy and unseeing. Tears had marked tracks on the boy’s summer tanned skin and made his eyelashes look thick and dark. It was a look of total betrayal and shock and worse, dropped beside his face was another instant photo. The man had photographed himself raping Nick before and made sure to show it to Nick while he took a second picture. Epi’s stomach turned inside out and he leaned a hand on the side of the shed while he puked. It was too much to see without becoming ill. It was bad enough when the photos were of strangers, faces of people he didn’t know and would maybe never know but to have it be Nick was too much. He moaned a little, miserable that he’d snooped and found something so horrible. His legs shook too badly to safely hold him and as soon as he was done emptying his stomach he staggered back into the shed to sit in one of the old desk chairs. It started to make sense as his head cleared. Nick hadn’t locked up the shed to hide his uncle’s past but to hide his own. The only question that Epi had left was why Nick hadn’t simply destroyed the photos and that was something only Nick could answer. Epi didn’t know a great deal about Nick’s Uncle Jonas because he barely spoke of the man but what he had said had been kind, that his uncle had taken him in when Nick had been distant from his own father. Epi had been told that Nick had sat at his Uncle’s bedside while he was dying, holding his hand and making him comfortable and that seemed an impossible contradiction to the blank horror on the face of the boy in the photos. Epi had always thought he was good at denial but Nick out classed him. He couldn’t even imagine what it took to sit by your rapist’s deathbed and make his passing easier. The thought of what that act of kindness alone must have cost Nick made Epi sick, it made him want to weep for the other man. It made him a little ashamed of himself for still hating Timothy as much as he did when Nick had forgiven his uncle for something so much worse. The new reality sunk in and things began to make sense. Nick ran from relationships like a cat with its tail on fire but now Epi understood why. It made sense now why he clung and snuggled after sex and why snuggling and physical closeness always lead to sex. A lot of Nick’s actions Epi had taken for the man just being a jerk suddenly made sense. Nick wasn’t fucking around because he knew he was hot shit and could get away with it, he was fucking around because it was all he’d known. In some sick way he was almost repeating the abuse his uncle had heaped onto him and all of Epi’s anger and hurt from the morning dissolved into a far different, and far less selfish, kind of hurt.

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Is Yet Chapter Forty Five

He sat there for a long time. It wasn’t an issue of thinking because something like this, a truth like this, defied logical thought. It was the sort of truth that required things to be thrown and broken, that required outrage and anger but not logical thought. The photos were laid out across the table like the accusation they were and Epi sat still and waited for the world to settle back into place. When he was able to move again he hurried to gather the photos back up. Touching them made his hands feel dirty and he tried not to look at the images. It was impossible and the quick glimpses made him shudder and feel like he had some part of what had happened simply for having stumbled across the truth. Not even the sheltering wrapper of the envelope made it better. He wanted to shove it back in its box and never touch them again. Worse than handling the photos was having to shove the envelope inside his shirt so he could juggle the tools he’d taken and get back outside. He’d never felt better about shutting a door as he did shutting the door to the shed. Only as he hobbled his way back toward the house he had to struggle with the desire to return and set the shed on fire. He wasn’t even sure fire would be enough to cleanse the disgusting film of the past from the building. His hands were still shaking a little as he hung the tools back in the garage. Nick had an ordered system, everything had a place and Epi made sure to not disturb that. At least not more than he had by his own stubborn pride and need to lash out for what now seemed like a petty and selfish hurt. It had seemed like an easy way to strike back and Epi had never imagined, not for one moment, what he’d open up with that shed. It felt wrong that the day hadn’t changed at all. The sun still shined, the birds still chirped in the trees. Something should have changed or been altered now that he knew such a horrible secret. He couldn’t even call Nick and tell him he knew. It wasn’t the sort of news that could be delivered over the phone. He would have to wait until Nick came home and time never felt so slow. Epi even found himself doing his rehab exercises just to help pass the time. When he finally heard Nick’s car pulling back in the lane Epi was fairly sure his heart was going to stop. Suddenly it didn’t seem like such a good idea to say anything. He could just wait until Nick left again and sneak back to the shed. He could put everything back and Nick would never know the difference. All he had to do was put the photos back and put the screws back on the lock’s hardware. There was no way he could bring up something so personal to Nick and he moved to stash the envelope of photos in a drawer just in case Nick came in. He stopped at the window and caught a glimpse of Nick sitting in his car. He was checking his cell phone, sitting in the car, alone. It changed Epi’s mind, seeing him there. It was bad enough having a secret like Nick carried but to carry it alone was worse. Even if Nick hated him for spying, he had to let the other man know he knew. He didn’t expect Nick to want to have tea and cry over the past but maybe, just maybe, Nick would open up to him a little more. It was all excuses, Epi knew he’d eventually tell Nick he knew and if he didn’t do it now it would pop up at the worst possible moment later. “Don’t want to blurt out, hey I know what your uncle did, the next time we’re in bed or something equally special like that.” He muttered as he stared out the window and waited for Nick to get out of the car. When Nick finally started toward his apartment Epi hurried to the door.

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“Nick!” The other man turned at the sound of his name but his face stayed neutral and empty when he saw Epi motioning to him to come in. He squared his shoulders and complied but even Epi could see Nick didn’t want to. It made him question it all again and he was ready to chicken out when Nick opened the kitchen door and quickly shut the chilly air out behind him. “Yeah?” What was he supposed to say? Epi suddenly wasn’t sure at all. “Look, I’m just a guy, you know?” That confused Nick and his eyebrows crunched together. “I’d noticed.” “I know I said it was just sex and it didn’t mean anything and I meant it…mean it…I do, I really do but I’m just a guy and I do like you.” He could almost visibly see the moment that Nick understood that this was one of those talks and he could see the look of discomfort spread across the man’s face. “Not like that but you’re my friend and I like my friends and as you can see I’m not drowning in friends or anything so, yeah, I get attached to the people I like…as friends.” He hurriedly added on. “Epi…” He held up his hand and shook his head. “No, just wait and hear me out. Okay?” He waited until Nick sighed but stayed silent. “Okay, so yeah you blowing me off after that night bothered me. I’m man enough to admit that and I’ll admit it’s my own fault too because I knew I shouldn’t and I knew I get attached and I knew you wouldn’t and I knew if we did something like that something like this would happen and I know, you know?” Nick didn’t look like he knew. “Okay.” “And I didn’t mean to but I was hurt and angry and… hurt… but when I saw that guy sneaking out of here this morning I was really pissed and hurt and damn it you’re an asshole but I’m a bigger one.” “Okay.” Normally he’d be annoyed that Nick, who was the ass in the situation, so readily agreed that they both were. This time, however, he just sighed. “I was upset. I do stupid things sometimes when I’m upset.” “What did you do?” He could see from the uncertain look in Nick’s eyes that he was thinking it was something small and harmless. “I opened your Uncle’s old shed.” Epi spoke as gently as he could and still the confused look on Nick’s face shattered. When he let the envelope filled with photos slide across the kitchen table Nick’s face went white. “I know. I’m sorry.” Nick shook his head. “You didn’t.” “I’m sorry.” He apologized again as he reached to touch the envelope, unsure what to say or do. Nick didn’t leave him a chance to say anything more. He stepped backward, his head still shaking no. Before Epi could think of what to say the other man was pulling the kitchen door open and running back out into the cold. He followed at his own pace but Nick was already halfway across the yard and moving fast toward the shed that Epi had pried into. He wasn’t gone from sight for long and soon came storming back around the corner of the shed and heading to where Epi stood on the porch. As Nick stomped back across the winter dead lawn Epi suddenly

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wanted to run back inside and slam the door. He’d never seen Nick really angry before and certainly never even imagined the other man could show so much rage. “What the hell did you think you were doing?” Nick shouted before he was even close to the porch. “Nick…” “No!” He shouted and cut Epi off as he pointed behind him at the now unlocked shed. “No! You had no right, Epi, no right!” “What happened wasn’t…” “Shut up!” He almost screamed, his face was red now and he was breathing to hard. “People put locks on shit for reasons! You had no place going in there! It was locked so it would be left alone but that wasn’t good enough!” “Maybe you should take one of my anxiety pills?” Epi managed to get out as Nick gasped for breath but the words only made his face twist up in anger more. “Go to hell, Epi! You should have left it well enough alone!” “I didn’t mean to hurt you.” He tried to plead but that made Nick shake his head again and move toward his car. “Bullshit you didn’t!” His shouting was fading now, dying down as he pulled the car door open. “Don’t go, not like this, stay and talk about it?” “There’s nothing to talk about.” But Nick couldn’t meet Epi’s eyes as he dropped himself into his car and quickly back down the lane. “Well,” Epi sighed and felt like he might be sick again. “That went well. Stupid, Stupid, Epi, so stupid!” He hobbled his way back inside and out of the cold and wanted to call Tori. The other man was so much better at dealing with people than he was that he would know what to do. The trouble was, to gain advice he’d have to explain what he’d found in the shed and Epi wasn’t sure he wanted Tori to know. It wasn’t so much that he thought his friend would think differently of Nick, because he knew he wouldn’t, but because it wasn’t really his to share. Nick was so proud, so stubborn and had obviously held his secret so dearly close, that it felt like a betrayal to learn it. It would be a double betrayal to tell Tori about it. He had no doubt that Nick, should he ever learn Tori knew, would view it as idle gossip and not a compassionate desire for advice to avoid future misunderstandings. It left Epi sitting alone in his house, silent and waiting for Nick to come back. He wasn’t able to work and the shows on the tv bored him. He tried to read but the story held no interest. In the end he gave up trying to focus on anything other than the obvious and ended up on his laptop sitting in front of the tv screen. After a long, uncertain, wait, Epi finally typed. Male Childhood Sexual Abuse filled his search box and with an uneasy sigh he clicked enter. Nick would have to come home sooner or later and when he did, Epi was going to be ready and know what to say this time.

Hours passed and Epi ended up anxiously waiting. He ran out of things to research and ended up staring at a bad movie without really watching. Dinnertime came and went and he nibbled but

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didn’t actually eat and it was getting close to eight in the evening when headlights finally cut through the darkness of the driveway. He tried to hop up but his bad knee had gone stiff and he wobbled and caught himself on the canes. By the time he got moving the car was pulling up near the house. Only it wasn’t a car but a pick up truck and the guy that climbed out was one that Epi didn’t know. He pulled open the door and frowned even more when he saw how young the boy was. If he was twenty Epi would have been shocked. “Hey!” The boy called out as soon as he saw Epi on the porch. “Can I help you?” The boy shook his head and moved to open the tailgate of the truck. “Naw, I can manage.” Epi frowned and watched as the boy pulled at something in the back of the truck and it wasn’t until legs flopped over the tailgate that he understood it was Nick he was pulling from the back of the truck. “Is he okay?” “Huh? Oh just drunk off his ass again.” It wasn’t even a choice he had to think about. “Bring him in here, don’t haul him up those steps.” “You sure? He’s likely to puke all over you.” “I’m used to it.” “Thanks! Last time he almost passed all the way out half way up and would have taken us both down.” The boy grinned and hefted the barely conscious Nick, draping an arm over his shoulders and getting the larger man onto his feet. “I’m Alan by the way, my dad owns the bar in town.” “Do you haul Nick home often?” “Naw, he comes in for a beer sometimes but I haven’t had to drag him home since his Aunt died. Dad tried to get him to eat dinner but he wasn’t interested. Whatever pissed him off tonight must have been huge, he flipped out when we were going to call his Dad to come get him.” “It’s kind of you to bring him back.” “I don’t mind. He’s not the only fellow in town I’ve hauled home.” He groaned as he helped Nick stagger up the steps onto the porch. “Where do you want him?” “In here, on the sofa. Wasn’t a long drive? His coat’s not that thick.” “Oh no, less than a mile. I just didn’t want him puking in my truck.” He groaned again as he dropped Nick onto the sofa and kindly moved to make the very drunk man lay down. “Thank you.” “Oh hey, no problem.” He grinned and ducked his head but was out the back door before Epi could follow him. He hovered at the doorway long enough to make sure the boy got his truck backed up and started down the lane safely before he turned to face his kitchen. It took a little searching to find a scrub bucket in the back of the small broom closet. He didn’t clean his house, he still had someone coming in to do that and doubted he’d stop the service. It was just easier to have someone come in once a week than to hobble around trying to vacuum with two canes and bad

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balance. It was hard enough to juggle the bucket and get back into the living room. “Nick.” He called out but the man passed out on his sofa didn’t respond. “Hey, Nick!” Epi tried again, this time poking Nick on the shoulder he wasn’t sleeping on. “Hmmm?” The lump on the couch mumbled. “If you throw up aim for the bucket here, okay?” “Hmm?” “Bucket, see?” He took one of Nick’s hands and put it on the rim of the bucket. “Puke there if you’re going to, okay?” “Yeah…” Or Epi hoped it was a moan of agreement. It sounded like a yeah but it could have just been a drunken sigh. “God, you smell like a brewery.” He complained as he settled into the arm chair and turned the tv on. If he was really mad at Nick he would have gone upstairs and not cared if the other man got sick in the middle of the night. Instead, Epi stayed in the old arm chair until he fell asleep and the remote control fell from his sleep limp fingers.

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Is Yet Chapter Forty Six

Footsteps on the stairs woke Epi up and he snorted himself awake in the sunlight of early morning. The night before came rushing back and he sat up but the sofa was empty. Thankfully, the bucket next to where Nick had passed out was also empty. Epi wasn’t a big drinker but he’d had his moments. It may have been years since he had woken up with a hangover but he remembered how it felt and he figured Nick was going to be grouchy and sick when he staggered down the steps. He’d fallen asleep with all his braces and his leg on and that had been the first time that had happened. His skin felt itchy and he wanted a shower but over all it didn’t feel bad. It was the first time he’d been comfortable enough with his new reality to sleep with all the get up on. That was a small accomplishment and a tiny bit of progress and it made getting going before Nick came back downstairs easier. There was no coffee on the menu this morning. The last thing he wanted was for a harsh smell to make Nick’s unhappy stomach turn over. Instead he heated water and brewed up a couple of mugs of mint tea as he dropped plain bread into the toaster. By the time footsteps thumped down the steps Epi had the table set with dry toast and mint tea for Nick and buttered toast, mint tea,

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orange juice and his morning pills at his place. Epi sat down and waited for Nick to make an appearance. “Sit.” He finally said as Nick’s footsteps brought him toward the door. “Not today, Epi.” “Sit down!” He snapped. He softened his voice. “I made tea and dry toast and I put the Tylenol from my pills and put it out for you.” Nick moved to obey as he rubbed at his head. “Just, don’t shout again. My head is splitting.” “That’s not a surprise given how drunk you were.” He waited as Nick sat down and started picking at his toast. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have but I did and your liver would prefer if you picked a different method of dealing.” “I don’t want to talk about it.” He shook his head. “I don’t think that’s an option now. I know, Nick, I know what he did.” “It’s not a big deal.” “How can you say that?” “You wouldn’t understand, just leave it alone, okay?” “No, it’s not okay.” It was a struggle to keep his voice down and level. “Right now, if your car was here, I’d say to hell with the panic attacks and take it to go find your father and ask him why he didn’t bother protecting you.” That snapped Nick’s face up. “Don’t!” “He doesn’t know, does he? You never told him.” Epi watched the conflict of emotions war with the hangover before Nick dropped his eyes again. “You’ve never told anyone.” “It…it wasn’t that big of a deal.” “Of course it was. It breaks my heart that you didn’t feel you could speak up. It should have been stopped, you know that right? That what he was doing was wrong and he’s a lucky bastard to have died before he could be arrested. He got off easy.” “What was I supposed to do?” Nick looked up and this time held Epi’s eyes. “You can’t understand.” “Try explaining and maybe I will?” He pleaded but Nick shook his head. “Please, let me try.” Nick picked at his toast and sipped at his tea but Epi let the man find words at his own pace. When he finally spoke it was quietly and with uncertainty. “Your parents might have been selfish but you always knew they loved you, didn’t you?” He’d never thought about it but he couldn’t debate it. Epi nodded. “Of course, they can be jerks but they care.” “Mine…” Nick shook his head and had to go back to nibbling on a bit of dry crust before he could get more words out. “My father used to be drunk all the time. He’d come home…knowing everything about everything, so bitter about his life and his marriage and his responsibilities. He never said as much but I knew, I knew why he was going off to drink instead of coming home.

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My mom? She actually told me if she could go back she’d never have kids. Told me, not my siblings, she told me that she loved her children because it was expected and an obligation but that didn’t mean she had to like us any. Not my siblings, she told me.” “I think even someone that massive of a bitch wouldn’t have blamed you for your uncle molesting you.” “Maybe not but he’d have told them I was gay. They would have thrown me out.” “You don’t know that.” “They threw me out when they found out when I was seventeen. That wouldn’t have been any different if they’d known Uncle Jonas was too touchy feely. Besides, I couldn’t do that to them. I…Uncle Jonas was the one to teach me how to fix cars and play baseball. When Dad was working or drinking and I was getting into trouble they took me in. They gave me a home when I didn’t fit with my own.” The conflicted pain in Nick’s voice made Epi ache. “Nothing justifies what he did. Nothing he did that was good can outweigh the fact that he raped you, you were a child.” “He never…he didn’t…he tried once but hurt me and stopped…” “Nick, he took pictures, I saw them. I know what happened. You don’t need to pretend with me.” “No…” He shook his head and pushed back from the table. It was only then that Epi saw the look in Nick’s eyes. It was the same stunned shocked look that had been in his eyes in that horrible photo. There was no faking a look like that and Epi started to believe that his friend really didn’t remember. “You’re not pretending, you didn’t remember.” “Jesus Christ…” Nick cursed and pushed himself back from the table. He stumbled backward until his back hit the kitchen counter. He stopped there and covered his face with his hands as he struggled to control his breathing. When he dropped his hands his face was steady again and he came back to the table. “I’m too hung over and too sober for this shit.” He sighed as he dropped himself back down into the chair. “I don’t want anyone to know and I never wanted you to know.” “Why didn’t you just…burn the shed down or something?” “I…I couldn’t…I can’t even go in there. It’s stupid but…” “It’s not stupid.” Epi cut him off. “I’m sorry I snooped but I was upset and you were being secretive and you could have been cooking meth in there or something.” “No.” Nick rubbed at his forehead again and tried to stomach some more of the tea. “I’m still pissed off at you.” “Understandably.” “We can’t just pretend you don’t know?” “No. I think you need someone to know. I think this is something too big and to horrible to keep locked inside.” Nick picked what remained of his toast into even smaller parts and crumbed them further by rolling the bits between his fingers. “I’m too sick to deal with this right now. I’m going to go lay down again.”

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Epi reached across the table and wrapped his hand around Nick’s. “Stay. I haven’t really slept either. We can lay down together…” Nick wanted to refuse but he felt himself nodding. “Okay.” He didn’t even try to shake off the hand that covered his own and he was, thankfully, too hung over to worry about why. It was easier to not think and just let Epi curl his fingers around his hand. It was simple to give in and just follow the other man to the steps and follow his slow and unsteady path up them. It was easier than thinking, his head hurt to much to think anymore. Epi half expected Nick to change his mind half way up the steps but the man didn’t and was still behind him when they reached the top. He was itching to get the braces off and his leg removed and he tried not to make a big deal about Nick following him into the bedroom. This time neither of them shooed at the cats and Epi made it a point to not say anything as he hurried to get mostly undressed. As he stripped away braces and socks, fake legs and pants, Epi wondered what he was supposed to say. Sorry your uncle was a pedophile really didn’t feel like the proper thing to chime in with. He stayed quiet out of worry almost as much as he did from fear. Some part of him needed Nick to stay, needed the man to lay down beside him where he could keep an eye on him and it would be painful to have him run away again. When Epi turned, stripped of everything but the t-shirt he wore under his button down shirt and his boxers, it was in time to see Nick slipping under the covers wearing only his own underwear. He watched as Nick settled in and rubbed at his eyes and didn’t protest when the cats on the bed curled up closer to him. Epi sighed and slipped under the covers, the heavy weight of the blankets oddly comfortable but he couldn’t stop the small groan that escaped him. “You okay?” Nick asked softly. “Yeah, this just feels good.” A hand snaked across his stomach and made his breath catch in his throat. Nick slid closer, propped up on his side and stretched out against Epi. “Yeah, it does.” “Nick?” He licked his lips a little in nerves but pushed onward. “Maybe you should see someone about this? Wouldn’t do any harm to talk to someone about what happened?” “Don’t.” Nick whispered but he pulled himself closer to Epi until the more slender man lifted his arm and let Nick curl up against his chest. “Don’t try to fix this. Some things can’t be fixed.” He wanted to. Epi had the resources to make almost anything happen and his first instinct was to use them all to make Nick better, to make the past he’d so carefully guarded just go away. It was the only thing his money was good for and the only time he’d carried that he had it. He would have happily spent every penny he owned helping Nick get through the memories that caused him to drink himself into a stupor or stand looking shocked and frightened in his kitchen. He ached to be able to help. Only throwing money at a problem didn’t always help. He’d tried with Timothy but nothing he said or did could make the other man better. Epi had learned the lessons from that mistake and he covered Nick’s hand with his own and wrapped his arm around the hunched shoulders. “Okay, but if you change your mind…or if you ever want to talk to me?” Nick nodded. “Nick?” There was something else about his reaction that reminded Epi of how he’d been with Timothy.

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“Hmm?” “Don’t freak out or anything, okay? But I think I’m falling in love with you.” He felt the hand across his chest twitch. “Don’t.” “I’m not expecting anything but, yeah, I suck at casual. I can’t help it, I seem to only be attracted to people I have feelings for.” “Epi…I have no social skills, I can’t even manage to be friends. I drink too much and work too much.” He snorted a little. “I’m one bad marriage away from being my dad.” “I don’t mean anything by it. It’s just… that’s why I went snooping. I wanted to find a reason to not care for you.” “Well, you found one.” “No! Don’t you say that.” Epi squirmed and wiggled until he could get turned to face Nick, laying on his own side now. “It’s just new information, that’s all. Besides, you don’t give yourself enough credit, you’re doing pretty good with the friends thing so far.” “We’re not friends anymore.” “You think just because you put your dick in me that we’re not friends? That somehow that magically makes the friendship stop? Nothing has to change.” “My head hurts.” “Does it mean things have to change?” “Epi, I…I don’t do relationships. I like things simple. I forget birthdays and anniversaries. I don’t even like knowing the middle names of the people I take to bed.” There was no missing the uncertainty in Nick’s voice or the hidden desire. He might have been saying he didn’t do relationships but his hand was clinging tightly to Epi. “Who said anything about relationships? We can be friends and care for each other and take care of each other and end up in bed together and have it just be that.” “No.” Nick dropped his head back down onto his pillow. “I don’t want to be another guy that hurts you and I’ve never done the whole one guy thing.” Epi knew if he said he didn’t care it would be a lie. “Well, we both have issues don’t we? I’ll never ask you to sleep with just me, that’s what people in relationships do. I will just say this, you do what you want and if you get an itch I can’t scratch, you go find a way to scratch it. If what we’ve got going here becomes something else, maybe you won’t get itchy.” “I don’t want to hurt you.” Epi let the tips of his fingers trace over Nick’s down turned face. “You won’t.” Nick shook his head against the gentle touch. “I didn’t want you to ever know.” His voice was low and barely above a whisper but there was no hiding the pain and shame in it. “I’m glad I know. It wasn’t your fault, Nick, it wasn’t. You don’t have to be alone with this anymore.” He pressed a kiss to the top of Nick’s head. “It’s okay.”

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“Epi…” “Shhh it’s okay, just get some sleep.” He petted Nick’s hair and it soothed them both. He couldn’t swear Nick fell asleep before him but when he finally drifted into a nap Nick’s breathing was steady and even. It didn’t solve anything but as Epi faded out he felt like they’d survived the first of many difficult conversations.

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Is Yet Chapter Forty Seven

It wasn’t movement on the bed that woke him but something else that tickled at his drowsy thoughts. His one had rubbed at his eyes and the other reached to touch Nick and found the far side of the bed empty and cold. That woke him up and he half sat up but he didn’t have to look far. Nick stood at the door to the sleeping porch, still dressed for bed with his arms folded over his chest. “Hey.” Epi barely spoke, unsure about disturbing him but the soft words made Nick glance over his shoulder “How’s the headache?” “Better.” He gave one last look out the window set in the old door before he moved back to the bed. Carefully he sat on the edge, his back to Epi. “Laying back down or getting up?” Epi asked of Nick as his silence lingered. “I…I didn’t know, I thought I had been the only one until the funeral.” Epi’s mind spun in a circle but he was quick to understand. Nick must have made some choice while he was standing and thinking and he held his breath out of fear that even a too harsh sigh would stop whatever Nick had found the courage to say. “At the gravesite, you know after the service but before everyone goes home or to the lunch or whatever, I had been waiting for Aunt Minnie to say her last goodbyes. One of my cousins came over to stand with me and he said that it would be odd knowing the dirty old man was gone.” As the words slipped out Nick hunched forward. “I played dumb, asked him what he meant and he said maybe Jonas was too old when I started hanging around but that he knew he hadn’t been the only one Uncle Jonas had been a pervert with. I thought… oh shit, he knows, someone knows.” “What did you do?”

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“What I’ve always done, I pretended I didn’t understand. My cousin laughed and said I had missed out by being the youngest. He told me Uncle Jonas used to invite whichever boy was working with him into his shed. He said he always started out by saying they’d done a man’s work that day and should be treated as a man. He gave them a beer, or two or three and than he brought out the porn magazines. My cousin said he thought Uncle Jonas got off on watching them jerk off.” “But he never touched them?” Nick shook his head. “Not that my cousin knew of. I didn’t know about them and than he was dead. I had always thought I was the only one. He did the same thing to me, we’d worked the fences all day and he gave me a beer and than porn.” “How old were you?” Epi sat up on the bed but stayed across the space from where Nick sat. “Thirteen, it was the summer when I was thirteen. I’d been around here for years but thirteen…it was the first year I’d known why I was different. I mean I’d always known but the girls in our class were developing and my friends were noticing but I was noticing them not the girls. I was fighting with my parents all the time and with other boys, getting into trouble…but not here. Aunt Minnie and Uncle Jonas were always good to me, I didn’t feel different here.” It was something that Epi had never really struggled with. He hadn’t been the only boy at his school to be gay and his school, even so many years before gay rights and acceptance had become a trendy issue, had held a zero tolerance for bullying. He’d never had to worry about others finding out or trying to hide. “He did the same thing with me that he did with my cousins so he had a pattern...” “The beer and porn?” “Yeah.” “But the porn was all straight porn.” “Yeah, it didn’t have the effect he’d hoped for.” Nick flinched when Epi’s hand rubbed across his back but he didn’t pull away as the other man pulled closer to where he sat. “Didn’t take him long to figure out why. I didn’t know it was kiddie porn, you know? It was just pictures of boys my age like the boys in my class. He knew…he…it…he said what would my mother say? Think about what my father would do if he knew I got off thinking about boys. I didn’t want them to know, did I?” Nick’s voice was flat and empty but Epi kept his hand moving gently across his back. “He blackmailed you.” It wasn’t a question but Nick nodded. “I guess so. He wouldn’t have had to. I loved him so much, he was more my father than my dad. I would have done anything to make that man happy, to make him proud of me.” Nick swallowed hard and shook his head a little. “Should I…should I shut up? I mean I don’t want…I don’t think about it often and I…I don’t want you…” The hand Epi had on Nick’s back instantly swept up to brush across his hair. “Shhh, it’s okay. You say whatever you need to, okay? I’ll listen and it’ll be okay. I know so you’re not going to shock me. Here…lay back down…” “Epi…” “It’s okay just get comfy.” He had to tug a little but with a sigh Nick gave in and laid back down,

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on his side and as stiff as a board. The other man almost radiated how uncomfortable he was but Epi was almost as stubborn. He laid back down as well, only this time he curled up along Nick’s back, snuggled against him sharing warmth without holding him, without forcing contact the other man might not want. “I didn’t sleep much.” Nick muttered, offering an excuse for when he sighed and reached behind him for Epi’s hand. Once he found what he was looking for, he pulled Epi’s arm over his side, draping it across his chest in a loose hug. It didn’t matter how well Epi molded to his body or how much better that arm across his chest made him feel, Nick couldn’t relax. “I’m not…I’m not the cold hearted ass most guys think I am.” “I know.” “I mean I’d like to have what you had with Timothy. I…I’m even jealous of what you have with Tori but I just…I can’t seem to manage it.” “How could you be expected to know how to build a relationship when the man you loved like a father raped you?” Epi felt the chest below his hand tighten up but he didn’t regret being honest. “He didn’t…” The denial was instant and came out of habit. Nick stopped himself. “I remember that day but I don’t remember…not him actually….God…” “Let someone who’s been in therapy for too many years tell you…it’s called dissociation. When something traumatic happens? Sometimes the mind shuts down a little so you don’t have to remember it. The memories are there just, like, covered up with a blanket.” From the look on Nick’s face in the photo during the assault, Epi was surprised the other man remembered anything about that day. “It makes sense now. If he didn’t stop like I thought…” Epi waited and held very still. He didn’t want to kiss or touch Nick or hold him too close or anything that might be too much and maybe trigger a bad memory. He just wanted his warmth and the fact that he was there and Nick wasn’t alone to sink in to the other man. He waited but Nick didn’t say anything else and the body under his arm grew more tense and started to ever so slightly tremble. “Can you tell me? Would you? It might make it easier for you to let it out to someone…” He had no doubt that if Nick didn’t tell someone, and tell someone soon, he was on a path to a nervous breakdown. He may have been able to deny it and hide it for years but it was out in the open now and the truth would gnaw until it found some release. “There isn’t much to tell. You already know what happened.” “How old were you?” “Ah…fifteen it was August, the start of football camp. One of the boys called me a faggot for dropping the ball and I hit him. They sent me home with a paper I had to get signed and I was told to not come back for a week. I was staying here that summer. Things had gotten…” He shook his head. “It makes me sick to think about it. I’ve never told anyone any of this.” “You lived with them during the summer?” Epi thought a different train of thought might make it a little bit easier. “I’d lived with them off and on since I was about ten. Spent more time here than at home really.” “With you sleeping here, I’d imagine things got pretty bad.” He whispered as gently as he could. He’d seen the photos, he knew but he hadn’t known that the old bastard had been able to sneak

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into Nick’s bedroom at night or find him in the house alone if his Aunt was out. “Yeah.” Nick agreed and his voice was grateful that he hadn’t had to say it. “Uncle Jonas said if I’d gotten caught fighting again he was going to switch me. He made me cut the switch too. He took me into the shed, said to take my shirt off and drop my pants and put my hands on the table.” “He beat you?” “Switched, yeah, hurt but wasn’t the first time. It’s just…this time? He started…he…When I was sixteen? I went to this club in Baltimore on a fake id. I picked up this guy, was picked up by this guy, early thirties, hot, I doubt he believed I was eighteen but he didn’t question it to much. We went back to his place and I hadn’t…there just wasn’t anyone I knew I could tell, you know? I told him that, told him I was from this little town and no one knew and I hadn’t ever been with anyone. I’d never even kissed a guy before, that’s one thing Uncle Jonas had never wanted…anyway told him and we stared making out and it was good. He was amused that I wanted to top and he let me but I almost couldn’t do it. I kept asking him if I was hurting him, I was so frightened I was going to look down and see blood. I think he chalked it up to it being my first time, made it very clear he wasn’t being hurt and it went okay but I was easily twenty before I was able to be with a guy and not have the sick little twinge that I was hurting him. Makes more sense knowing he didn’t stop. It hurt, that’s all I really remember… is crying because it hurt so much. I always remembered it that he’d pushed…that he’d actually…and had done it too roughly and stopped when he heard me upset.” “He hurt you.” “I…shit this is why I don’t talk about this.” Nick drew a shaky breath and clutched at Epi’s hand. “I remember after, walking across the yard back to the house. I could hear my pulse in my ears, you know like right before you pass out? I remember feeling sick and weak and like I was going to puke and not being able to walk right. I remember thinking that I was glad he had stopped but I don’t remember it hurting anymore, I don’t remember feeling anything. I made it all the way back into the house and Aunt Minnie saw me and she just knew. It’s the only time I ever heard her swear. She took me upstairs and drew a bath and told me to get cleaned up. I waited until she was gone, watched her stomp out across the yard I guess to yell at him. I remember…I didn’t understand why there was blood on my underwear, it had soaked through my jeans and cum too, I didn’t remember coming but it makes sense now.” “Hopefully she kicked his ass.” Epi muttered because he was afraid if he spoke up he’d be shouting in anger for Nick’s sake. “I don’t know…she came back with clean clothes, told me to get dressed. I remember this much more clearly. She took me two counties over to a clinic, told the doctor I had been climbing a tree I shouldn’t have been climbing and gotten hurt. The doctor patched me up and told me boys shouldn’t be climbing trees they shouldn’t be climbing, that it wasn’t natural and right and would get them hurt. Told me unless I wanted to grow up to be dirty and sinful to never try to climb that tree again.” “Fucker.” “Aunt Minnie didn’t say a word to me the whole way home. It…at the time I thought she was angry at me for letting Uncle Jonas…” “You didn’t let him do anything, he raped you!” Epi snapped and caught his breath. “Sorry.” Nick squeezed the hand he’d been holding. “She took me home, not here but back to my parents. She told me she’d bring by my stuff later. Told me not to tell anyone I’d been climbing those trees and to take the medicine the doctor had given me. Told me that she was never going

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to talk about it again, that I had better not talk about it again. I told her I wouldn’t.” “And you never did.” “I wanted to…I wanted to say something to Uncle Jonas before he died. I mean the doctors said he was as good as brain dead but I wanted to…I stayed up all night with him and I couldn’t say a word.” “I couldn’t have sat with him. Unless I was there to make sure the bastard was suffering or to kill him or something. I couldn’t have been kind to him.” “I’d been living with them again for months before he had his stroke and I just, I thought I should do it. It was the right thing to do, you know? He was dying, it seemed petty to be angry when he was dying and helpless but I wanted to…I had hoped seeing him like that would make it so I could forgive him but it didn’t I…I just wanted to tell him that I loved him and I hated him and it wasn’t okay because he never once, not once, not for a single breath told me he was sorry.” Epi felt Nick’s breath heaving in his chest and felt how close the other man was to panic. Only, unlike Epi, Nick didn’t tumble out of control and he could feel how the other man tucked the pain and emotion back inside to hide it all away again. “We’ve both loved men that hurt us very badly and than died without showing any remorse. Different hurts, different relationships but the betrayal is there.” He leaned forward and kissed the back of Nick’s neck with as much care as he could muster. “You’re not alone with it anymore.”

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Is Yet Chapter Forty Eight

Nick lay still, tense and uneasy as Epi curled around him. It felt good, he wanted Epi there, it felt right to have his warm body pressed close to him but not too close. He liked the feel of the other man’s hand around his own but it felt like a cheat or worse, it felt a little like he was stealing something that didn’t belong to him. Even how well Epi was taking the truth that Nick still struggled with didn’t feel proper. It wasn’t right that Epi was being so accepting about something that made him want to run away and hide. The only thing that kept him lying there was how good it felt. There was none of the pressure with normal lovers, none of the worries and pressing uncertainty. It just was comfortable and good and okay. That wasn’t something Nick was used to and he was equally unused to feeling unwilling to leave. Even nervous and sick to his stomach from booze and memories he didn’t want to leave the comfortable drape of Epi’s arms. It wasn’t that he wanted to drive people away from him. He didn’t mind the concept of sex and

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breakfast the next morning. The trouble was that, generally, when he was at a lover’s place or had a lover over he was content for a short time but quickly found himself uncomfortable. It just always came done to him feeling like he was holding his breath and it wasn’t until he was alone again. It wasn’t like that with Epi. Being around the snide, bitter and often difficult man only made him feel more comfortable than when he was alone. It felt okay to lay there, on Epi’s bed, gently held by the other man. It felt right enough that as he listened to Epi’s breath slow and steady into the soft sputters of sleep, his own shoulders unknotted and sleep gently took him down as well. Sleep wasn’t so easy for Nick as Epi. He woke several times in the morning light but each time he let the comforting feel of the other man hold him still on the bed until he was able to drift back again. Until he woke one time too many, his body rested and his mind spinning and without Epi’s arm over his shoulders he couldn’t stay laying down. He sat up carefully, aware of how lightly Epi often slept but it was no worries. Epi was stretched out across the bed, half curled up on his stomach, his face turned to the side and his legs kicked out wide. It should have been jarring to see where the blankets fell flat where the other man’s leg should be but it wasn’t. It was just the way things were and it would have looked odd to Nick if he’d seen the shape of two legs under the blankets. Epi’s hair fell across his pillow and face in dark waves and made a pretty mess. His lips were parted as he slept and it made Nick smile softly. He was growing too fond of the other man, like he had never felt toward anyone before. Epi wasn’t easy, he grumbled and fought against the things he had to do and the reality of his new life. He had grudgingly admired that stubbornness even as it annoyed him and attracted him. The sleeping man knew who he was, what he was and had fought against his new reality with fierceness. Very gently Nick reached out and brushed some of the wild, too long hair back from the handsome elegant face. If he was going to be honest they didn’t make any sense. Epi wasn’t just from another culture and lifestyle as Nick he may as well have been from another planet. He had seen how the other man was raised and Nick had grown up in vastly more modest means. There was no room in the world Epi was from for a man like him. They barely spoke the same language. They had completely different cultures and points of view, different families. They listened to different music. Nick went to church every week and believed and the few times Epi had spoken of faith had been in anger. Epi was slender and elegant and Nick was from good farming stock. His hands were rough from work and Epi’s, well, weren’t. His idea of dressing up was a button down shirt and Epi had a suit that was obviously tailored for him at one point. He happily drank beer and a can of beer looked low class when Epi was drinking it. It didn’t matter how comfortable he was with his sleeping beauty they just had nothing in common. It didn’t matter if they were to actually date, they had nothing in common and Nick knew enough from watching other people fall in love and pair up to know that was a key element. The very idea was absurd. He was absurd for even thinking about it, for thinking about Epi. The trouble was he was thinking about it when he had never thought about it with anyone before. Epi knew him and was still there, sleeping peacefully, comfortably, beside him. Not just his childhood and past but him. Epi never pushed him too hard to talk when he didn’t have anything to say and let the silence between them be comfortable. He’d been brought home about as drunk as he got and the other man had stayed by him. Epi had seen the men in his family and the culture he was from and hadn’t mocked it for being quaint or provincial. He’d never even thought beyond who he could take to bed next and here he was thinking about when Epi’s birthday was. It was stupid, he was stupid, for even thinking such crazy thoughts. The last thing Epi needed was another jerk breaking his heart and Nick knew he was a jerk. He had never managed a relationship even casually. He should run and save Epi the pain but for the first time in his life he was comfortable around someone. It didn’t hurt that the sex was amazing too.

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The gentle touch of his fingers brushing hair back from Epi’s face stopped and Nick paused. It was too much of a conflict and he needed to think when he wasn’t being distracted by the pale skin and perfect nose with hair he wanted to fist his hands in. Before he knew what he was doing he was leaning down, over the sleeping man and gently kissing him. “Hmm…Nick?” Epi muttered. “Don’…morin’ breath…” “Shhh. Stay in bed. I have to go to work.” Nick watched as Epi blinked sleepy hazel eyes. “You’ll be home later?” “Yeah, go back to sleep.” He soothed the dark hair back and kissed the slumbering man’s face again. Nick was gone from room before Epi could wake up any further.

It was a nice change to wake to being gently petted. Nick’s fingers were so soft, so gentle it barely woke him. The touch just barely woke him enough to make him aware that it was Nick and that it felt really nice. It left him floating in a happy haze, hoping the soft brush of fingers across his forehead would continue. The only thing better than the gentle touch was the surprisingly gentle kisses that soon pressed to his face and lips. He tried to warn the other man off but all it did was earn him a shushing. It was okay to listen to Nick and drift back to sleep, his body worn out from stress and worry and comforted by having someone else in his bed next to him. He drifted awake after noon, rested and comfortable. Nick had closed the bedroom door and for the first time in a long time he woke up without the cats sleeping in happy, purring lumps around him. He woke up and stretched, scratched at his side and slowly crawled from bed to start his day a little later than normal. Epi bathed and shaved, dressed and soon was downstairs to try to work. It was a good theory but Epi found himself thinking about Nick instead. The more he thought about it, the less he liked the fact that Nick had left. He’d been driven home the night before, too drunk to drive himself, so he must have had to walk back into town to get his car. It wasn’t that far but it was far enough but Nick hadn’t come home yet. Yes, he’d said he was going to work but it made nervous. What if Nick had been hit by a car while walking into town? What if he’d been hurt? Epi wouldn’t know and while he logically knew he was being silly, the worry nagged at him through out the afternoon. When he finally heard a car in the lane had Epi hurrying to the window. Only it wasn’t Nick’s simple sedan that rolled past the house but Tori’s car and that made him frown. Epi hurried to the kitchen door, his stomach knotted up as he threw open the door and hurried out into the cold air. He balanced himself on the canes Nick had made him and shivered as he waited until Tori parked and climbed out. “What are you doing here?” “I’m happy to see you,too.” He sighed and frowned. “Don’t be stupid, I’m happy to see you but…what’re you doing here?” “He didn’t tell you?” Tori moved to the backseat and hauled out a suitcase. “Who didn’t tell me what?” “Nick…” Tori shut the car door and came toward the house. “Get inside before you freeze to death.”

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“You look good.” Epi nodded and it was the truth. Tori looked rested like he had before Epi had been driven into a tree. “It’s that spa day I took last week. Got my hair cut and a massage and all that good stuff. Oh toasty warm in here. You look good, not as good if you’d let me get someone to trim that hair up a little.” He ducked his head back from Tori’s teasing hand. “It’s fine. So, you’re here and planning a visit?” “Yeah, Nick called me. He asked if I could come by for a few days.” He dropped his bag and glanced with a critical eye around the house. The place was clean and unpacked and looked more settled and lived in than it had on his last visit. That was good and he tried not to grin like a happy mother hen. There was just enough clutter to show Epi was actually living in the space without it being to the point of not caring. Even the cats that mewed at him and ran into other rooms to avoid him looked happy and content. “When did he call you?” “A couple of hours ago. Called up, asked if I could take a couple of days off, maybe a week, and I said sure. If I can’t trust my managers to run things there’s a problem.” “What about your boy toy?” “Dil’ll be fine. He’s booked full for the week. You work things out with him? Or did you two have some huge fight or something and that’s why he called me?” Epi shook his head. “We’re okay, I think…or I thought anyway…” “You don’t mind do you? I should have called up but I figured he’d have told you I was on my way.” Epi forced himself to grin. “Of course I don’t mind. Believe it or not, I’ve kind of missed your nagging.” “Nagging!” He let himself laugh but Epi’s grin didn’t fool him in the least. Something was up and something wasn’t being said. “I kind of miss having you around to nag at.” It was almost an hour before Nick’s car rolled up the lane and it was Tori that stood at the window watching. Epi was too nervous, it was like a low level anxiety itching at the back of his brain and he just wanted to sit quietly and wait. “Well, Mr. Hot Stuff went right up to his apartment.” Tori announced from the window. “Tori don’t snoop. He’ll come by or not on his own.” It was enough to make him sick but there was a chance that Nick didn’t want to see him. He knew something about Nick that the man had never wanted anyone to know. Epi wasn’t sure if their positions were reversed if he would ever want to have contact with that person again. He just didn’t know how to explain that to Tori without betraying Nick’s secret. “Come on, get away from the window.” Tori rolled his eyes but agreed and came back to sit next to Epi. They talked easily, which was mostly Tori talking and Epi listening. It was how they’d always been and the normal patter of conversation was comforting. Epi had grown so used to Nick’s more silent ways where he was the more talkative one that to have Tori back and chattering on about things like recycling and the neighbor’s yappy dog made him almost feel better.

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Is Yet Chapter Forty Nine

The kitchen door opened and Tori shut up not so much at the sound but from Epi’s reaction. He had been halfway slouched on the sofa but that simple sound sat him straight up and he instantly craned his head to try to see around the corner. Epi didn’t stand up or hurry over but he may as well because Tori knew he wanted to. There was no way he could deny it when Nick stepped around the corner and Tori saw that look on his friends face. It was the same look Epi had worn when he was worried about Timothy. That made him frown and wonder just what had happened between the two men and if he was going to have to cut Nick’s nuts off for hurting Epi. “You’re here.” Nick said but his eyes barely brushed over the two men sitting on the sofa. “Yes, I am.” Tori answered with a raised eyebrow. Nick didn’t see it, he had to study the floor. He’d showered and changed clothes, pulling on jeans he knew looked good on and a nice shirt. He’d had a crazy idea that things would be easier if he’d cleaned up and dressed nice but standing there it didn’t feel like it was working. His stomach was churning and he wanted a drink, knew he couldn’t have one and almost changed his mind. It was only glancing up and seeing the tense unease that Epi was failing miserably at hiding that kept his feet rooted in place. “Thanks for coming up.” “Happy to.” Whatever was going on, Epi wasn’t saying anything and Tori wasn’t sure what he was supposed to say. “I just…” Nick started, stopped and shook his head. “I was thinking…you know, about Timothy.” He glanced up and didn’t miss the way Epi’s eyes narrowed at his lost lover’s name. “It wasn’t right that Epi was stuck, I mean he couldn’t tell you because…and he had to deal with all that shit without…I mean that’s what friends do right? When something is tough friends figure it out together right?” Tori nodded. “Generally. What’s going on?” He looked to Epi but his friend had his eyes locked on Nick. “It’s okay.” Epi whispered. “No, it’s not. I don’t want…you shouldn’t have to deal with another asshole and I know I’m an ass and it’s not right. I’ve never met anyone like you. I know you said about relationships and not asking for one and that you weren’t going to ask me not to see other people.”

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Tori turned and gave Epi a look. “You said what?” “Don’t start.” Epi shook his head but didn’t glance away from Nick. “I meant it.” “You said what?” Nick glanced between the two friends. “I know you meant it but you’re not built that way. It would hurt you and I don’t want to hurt you, I won’t. I’ve never wanted…never thought I could find but…” Seeing Nick standing there, his face twisted up in emotions that he was struggling to express made Epi hurt for him. “It’s okay, what we have is okay. It’s enough.” “No, it’s not.” Nick protested. “Not for you, not for me but…but…I don’t know if I can…I won’t hurt you. I want…I need time to think. I need to clear my head and think. I want to wake up beside you…I want to know you’re here but I don’t know if I can do that without hurting you and I won’t hurt you.” “That’s the risk of any relationship.” Tori injected in. He would have stayed out of it but Nick had invited him up for a reason. He’d made the choice to have this conversation with him sitting there and it was obvious that Nick needed the help. He shook his head. “Epi’s been hurt enough already, I won’t be another person that just takes what they want from him. He puts himself second too much.” Tori snorted. “Tell me about it.” “Hey.” The snapped protest was so offended sounded and so Epi that Nick felt a smirk creep onto his face. It was just what he needed and he sighed. “See? I’m about sick here and you make me feel better. I want that but I want to make sure I won’t hurt you. I need to be able to think…won’t mean we can’t be friends but…” “But no sex again. Do I get a say in this?” “You had your say, you put your needs second as your say and I won’t have that. Not right…” He shoved his hands in his pockets. “I’m going to go up to the cabin for a couple of days, a week at most, do some thinking.” “While I just sit here waiting? While you get to make a choice about what’s best for me?” It made him frightened and a little angry. Epi hadn’t really been aware of how much he’d come to care for Nick. “Before we go further, yeah. You can be pissed at me all you want but you deserve better.” He was willing to set Epi up with other men, introduce him to the community in the area and do everything he could to help him find someone that could build a relationship with him. The question he needed answered was if he could do that without it cutting out his heart. If he couldn’t, was he able to straighten up and be the kind of man Epi deserved? “Nick…” “Let me finish.” “Okay.” Epi nodded but he’d thought Nick was done.

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“Shit, this is hard…I…Tori, Epi listened to you, he opened my uncle’s shed.” “Nick, you don’t have to…” He shook his head but he couldn’t stand there and look at them while confessing what he’d never told to anyone. “Shit, please, please just…” “I’m sorry.” “What’s going on?” Tori sat with butterflies in his stomach from the tension between the two men. “You’re his best friend. I care about Epi, I won’t ask him to do what he had to do for Timothy, not for me…” He drew a deep breath. “My uncle was a pedophile…oh shit…” “Okay? I had an uncle that used to beat the shit out of his wife…” Nick’s shoulders were so tense Epi could see them trembling. “Nick knows this from personal experience. He’s never told anyone before.” “Christ, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to be flippant.” Epi knew his friend and knew he was going to go on apologizing until Nick acknowledged it. The trouble was, he wasn’t sure Nick was going to say another word so Epi patted Tori’s knee and hauled himself to his feet. He didn’t embrace Nick, didn’t touch him and stayed a good foot back and well out of the other man’s personal space. “You okay?” He asked gently and was glad when the down turned head nodded. “Thank you. Take the time you need, just…” He wanted to say just don’t start thinking they couldn’t be together but that would have missed the entire point of Nick wanting time to think. “Just come home to me. Okay?” Nick nodded again. “I should get going, it’s a long drive up there.” “Okay.” Maybe the next time Nick went off to the small cabin the men in his family used as a hunting camp Epi could go with him but he wasn’t going to push for that now. “Want me to walk you to the car?” “Naw, I’m good.” He nodded a little and stepped back a pace. “I need to get going.” “Okay.” Epi stood there as Nick stepped back further and finally turned away to hurry from the room. Epi didn’t follow though the desire to move to the windows and watch was strong. He just stood there as he listened to do the door shut and soon after the sound of Nick’s car driving down the lane. He stood there until Tori came and stood behind him. “Are you okay?” He asked, carefully putting an arm around Epi’s shoulders. “I’m fine. I just hope he is.”

Epi managed to hide his anxiety for the first few days. It was nice having Tori around again and that was distracting enough. It was almost like it was before his accident, the way they talked and acted together. There wasn’t the same dark shadow of the accident and the misery that had followed hovering over them like there had been. Epi was smart enough to know it wasn’t Tori that had changed. “Stop sighing.” Tori sighed at him. They were supposed to be watching a movie but Epi’s eyes

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kept drifting to the window. “I’m not sighing.” “You are. He’ll be home when he’s ready to be home.” “I know.” Tori tilted his head a little to the side and tried to read the look Epi was trying to hide from his face. “You’re falling for him, aren’t you? That’s why you didn’t want to talk about his past?” Tori hadn’t asked but Epi hadn’t offered either. “I don’t know. It took a lot for him to tell you, a lot, but I know he doesn’t want it talked about. He did it for me. He did it so I’d be able to talk to you about it but it had to have killed him to do it. I guess I was hoping he’d call.” It was thin ice but Tori’s concern was and always would be his friend. Epi could get mad at him all he wanted but he wasn’t going to stay silent. “Epi, you know it’s most likely a rebound thing. He’s the first guy you’ve even been with since the accident. Rebound boyfriends are great but you have to know they’re just rebounds and not get too attached.” “He’s not just a rebound.” “Epi…” “He’s not. You don’t see him, you don’t know what he’s like when we’re alone. We talk about things. Not just him, we both talk about things we haven’t told anyone before. It’s different when we’re alone together.” “Epi, I don’t want to see you get hurt.” He wanted to deny it, to defend Nick and swear the man wasn’t a jerk and wouldn’t hurt him. The words just didn’t want to form and instead he sat silent and unsure, stuck in his own honesty. There was a very real chance that Nick could come back and decide he couldn’t deal with it and that they were going to be just friends. “I don’t want to get hurt either.” “He’s damaged. You always fall for the broken boys.” “I…” he sighed. “Yeah, I guess I do but this time it’s different. He’s different…I’m different.” “Yeah, you are but I don’t want you to get all attached to him and have him get this idea that he likes sleeping around and doesn’t want to deal with his issues. You always want to take up the stray kittens and the broken wing birds and try to fix them. You can’t fix people and I’m sorry to say this but I won’t let another user get attached to your life.” “That’s a little mean.” “Maybe but if I’d spoken up more about Timothy he wouldn’t have been able to hurt you. Anyone with eyes could see he tried you like crap. Oh hush don’t protest that, he didn’t beat you or anything but he always acted like a spoiled child and you gave in so you wouldn’t have to deal with his tantrums. I don’t want you to ever do that again.” “Nick never would. All he does is think about others, I mean, he’s never told anyone about his past and I mean that literally, but he told you to make things easier for me. Yeah he has issues but so do I and he’s just so honest and he doesn’t play games and…” The truth melted over him

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and consumed him. “He would never hurt me.” Epi confessed in a whisper and it made his heart ache. “He would never knowingly hurt me. He’s been hurt so badly, Tori, isolated and beaten down and yet he’s still such a good man.” “Are we talking about him or you?” “That’s not fair.” “But it’s the truth. I don’t need to be a shrink to know you’re lonely most of the time or to know you reach out to damaged men hoping they’ll need you so they stay. It’s the only reason we ever became friends, you saw me being teased. It’s just how you are and it gets you hurt because damaged men are damaged for reasons, generally not good ones.” Epi shook his head. “It’s one in a hundred that aren’t well and fully fucked in the head and don’t end up hurting everyone around them.” “Nick’s that one in a hundred.” “You’re that sure?” “I am. Tori, I’m in love with him. The fact that he told you his deepest secret? The fact that he went away to think about us? All that does is prove he loves me too.” That made Tori frown because there was some perverse logic to that. “And if he comes back and says he wants to just be friends?” The thought made his stomach clench up. He wanted to deny the possibility but that was stupid. “Then, we’ll just be friends. See? He’s that one in a hundred, he won’t hurt me.” He believed what he said but part of him didn’t care. Part of him just wanted Nick to come back to him no matter what happened.

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Is Yet Chapter Fifty

The air was sharply cold. Even inside the house and it’s nice warmth Epi could feel it. Winter may have been late arriving but it had arrived with a vengeance. Frost had made everything crystal sparkle white the last couple of nights and the already hard ground froze solid. It had been a stark beauty and Epi enjoyed it. Spring, summer, he could take or leave but the cold of

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winter he loved. It kept him inside to sit wrapped in warm, comfortable clothes with something hot to drink. It kept his friends and family inside and sometimes, if he was lucky, kept them around him. He’d always been overly fond of winter but this time the cold made him restless. He pulled the blankets up higher on his shoulder, the weight of the comforter on his bed a nice, physical pleasure. It made him feel tucked in and protected from the coldness outside the bedroom windows in the dark. The cats liked it too. They were curled up in their purring happy round lumps around him as they always did and together they shared warmth. The bedroom door opened and Epi lifted his head. He couldn’t help but smile. “What?” Tori glanced down at his body as he shuffled over on fuzzy slippers to put the cordless phone into its charger. “Do you wear that when you sleep with Dillon?’ “Of course not.” He plucked at the purple flannel pants and long sleeved black t-shirt. “He has other ways of keeping me warm.” “I’m always surprised at what you’ll wear when you aren’t trying to impress people. No one at your spa’s would believe it.” Tori sniffed and tried to feel hurt. He couldn’t quite manage it. “You can tell them I’m a frump but I highly doubt they’ll believe you.” “How was your phone sex?” Epi asked as he settled back onto his mound of pillows. “It’s not…we don’t…” Tori blushed. “Please, you take the phone into the bathroom every night and are in there way too long. What else would you be doing? Wait… on second thought I don’t know if I want to know.” That made Tori chuckle as he lifted blankets and slipped under them. “Dil is many things but his creativity for phone sex is limited. He can take a soccer mom and make her look elegant and fabulous but when I try to get him going on the phone you know what he says?” “I’m not sure I do.” “Come home and fuck me.” That made Epi laugh. “You’ve created a monster.” “I know. Things are getting a little stale between us. I think he’s bored too. I don’t even miss having him around while I’m up here and that is never a good relationship sign. He’s a sweet boy but I think we’re moving into the whole, ‘let’s part as friends’ zone.” “I’m sorry.” He shrugged and cuddled over across the bed to snuggle against Epi’s back. He had to slip his legs around the cat lumps as he went but he was getting good at that. “Don’t be, it’s fine. I don’t love him. Does that make me a bad person?” Epi had to think about it for a second because he really wasn’t sure. “It’s your life. I don’t think it makes you a bad person. Your current fetus knew your wicked ways when he hooked up with you.” “But you wish I’d settle down?”

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He caught Tori’s hand, cold as always, and pulled it around his ribs to hug it to his chest. “Life’s too short. If this makes you happy, you go screw infants until you keel over from a stroke. Maybe I’ll try things your way for a while.” “Please, you couldn’t be a slut if we made a bet on it.” Tori squeezed the warm hand curled around his own. “He’s coming back.” “It’s snowing already.” “Hmmm?” “The weather report said it wasn’t even supposed to start until well after midnight but it’s already snowing. We’re going to get a half a foot from this by morning. It’s got to be more up in the mountains, even if he was ready to come back, he couldn’t.” “He’s fine.” “What if he’s not? He was only supposed to be gone a few days.” “Or a week he said.” “Yeah but it’ll be nine days tomorrow. What if he’s hurt? What if he went for a walk and a bear ate him? What if he fell and broke his leg? He could be hurt and no one would know.” Tori used the hand he was holding to thump Epi’s chest. “He’s fine. He’s used to being out in the woods and shit. He knows how to take care of himself.” Epi lay still and hated the next thought that came to mind. “What if he just doesn’t want to come back? He only came back here before because his aunt needed him. He’s no reason to come back this time. What if he doesn’t want to have to come back and explain?” He could hear the worried fear in his friends voice and he didn’t know what to say to him to make that fear go away. Tori stalled by snuggling closer, tucking himself tight against his friend like they used to do in college. It was a good sign because while Epi had allowed Tori to sleep in the same bed with him after the accident, he’d been too self conscious of the changes to his body to let Tori cuddle close to him. The only change was the absent Nick and the time he’d spent alone, without the constant reminders of all he’d lost. “Well,” he began carefully. “I don’t think either of us can say what’s going on in that boy’s head. It’s a big thing you learned about him. It’s a lot of to ask him to come to terms with all at once. I’d imagine he’d need more than a few days.” “But what if he…” “If he comes back and can’t accept things, that’s not your fault. It won’t be because of you, do you hear me? It’ll be his fuckwad uncle for molesting him and screwing up his ideas of love. It’ll be his dumbass family’s fault for being freaked out that he’s gay and never loving him enough to make that okay. It’ll be his own stupid fault because anyone that would let a man like you get away is a moron.” Epi snorted in protest and Tori thumped him again. “I’m serious. It won’t be your fault. You can’t make him face his shadows. You can’t love him enough to make something in his heart still brave enough to take another risk. Something has to remain open there for you to have a shot.” “It’s so cold out there.” Epi’s voice was wistful and soft. “I know, sweetie, I know. Just let it snow, we’ll see what’s on the other side of this storm.”

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Epi woke up and it was early. Even figuring that the storm clouds were making everything overcast and darker it was still far earlier than Epi ever liked to get up. The trouble was he’d slept well and had been happily snuggled up with cats and Tori and now woke up rested and sound. He tried to drift back to sleep but that seemed impossible. He gave up and decided to get up and try to find coffee. After having lived with Tori through college and off and on again since they’d graduated he didn’t bother trying to move quietly. Tori slept like the dead, sprawled out and sometimes happily snoring. Epi could have put on combat boots and jumped on the bed and he doubted Tori would have woken up. The only reason he moved around carefully was because he didn’t want to fall while getting his braces and legs on. That would wake Tori up. Trumpeting elephants Tori could sleep through but if Epi even slipped and made a small falling sound thud he knew his friend would wake up instantly. With a little care he managed to get dressed in all his ridicules new accessories as well as his warm flannel pajamas back on over it all. It was too early to get dressed for the day and if they really were snowed in he wasn’t even sure he’d bother getting dressed today. Tori had taken him to rehab the day before and they’d stopped at the grocery store. They had no need to go out even if they weren’t snowed in. The idea of hiding in the house with cocoa and flannel seemed just what he needed. He didn’t even bother to shave. He had a little stubble and his hair was scruffy. It was getting long, too long. It had grown beyond just long enough to hide a scar to being too long. He could see it now as sloppy and the look of a man who hadn’t cared about himself for a long time. He tugged at his hair, brushed it out, tried to smooth it and make it look more tended. “Okay, I’m going to have to let Tori cut it.” He sighed and didn’t like the idea. Tori never just wanted to trim hair, he wanted to style it. The trouble was he wasn’t a stylist, he was a good businessman who knew enough about his market to know a little about each aspect. He could do a decent job cutting hair but he tended to get a little more flamboyant when cutting Epi’s. That was why he generally agreed to one of Tori’s spa days where the two of them spent all day being pampered with massage and facials and one of his better stylists was on hand to cut his hair. “Just going to have to take my chances.” He looked rough and didn’t care. He felt blue and defeated on the inside and it was only fitting that he looked the same on the outside. It just didn’t seem right that of all the people in the world he had to get mixed up with a man with more commitment issues than a mental patient. He was a good boyfriend. He didn’t screw around, liked to travel, liked to try new foods and places. Epi had a real honest interest in his boyfriend’s lives and was far too loyal. He was perfect boyfriend material and Tori was right. There should be dozens of men lining up to date him. The trouble was he didn’t want dozens of men. He didn’t even like dating. If he was going to be honest he’d almost rather be alone than have to date. There was always the awkward conversations and uncomfortable explanations of past mistakes and old boyfriends. It hadn’t been like that with Nick. The other man was happy just being with him, sitting watching a show or driving to the store. It had just been easy and nice together and the sex, well, the sex had been some of the best of his life. “That’s it.” Epi declared to the still sleeping house as he safely made it to the bottom of the steps. “I’m done waiting.” He could call Nick’s father and find out where their cabin was and he was pretty sure he could talk Tori into driving him up there. He glanced out the front window and was surprised at how much snow they’d gotten. Everything was blanketed in a white layer of fluffy winter. It made the shrubs sag and the tree branches tilt

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downward and flakes were still swirling down from the sky. Everything outside had a beautiful cold stillness and for a moment he forgot to be worried about Nick. Something was out of place in the perfect winter wonderland forming out side the front windows. Epi frowned and cocked his head to the side trying to figure it out. The snow as beautiful and untouched but for a few bird footprints and what looked like rabbit prints around one of the trees. The only other place the snow was disturbed was two tracks in the lane that were depressed and filled back in, as if someone had driven over the snow a few hours ago and the tracks had been half covered back in. There was only one reason for that. “Nick.” He whispered and nearly tripped over his canes he turned so fast. It could have been anything. Someone could have made a wrong turn in the dark and come up their road but his heart was pounding in his chest as he hurried to the kitchen and pulled the door open. Nick’s car was parked close to it’s normal spot, a layer of snow over it but not nearly the amount of snow the rest of the yard had. He forgot how bitterly cold it was and that he was standing in snow in nothing but socks because it wasn’t just the car in the yard. Nick was at the end of a cleared walkway, bundled up in coat and hate with a shovel in his hand. “Nick.” Epi whispered. “You’re back.” “I…I figured you’d need the walks cleared.” It was such a typical Nick thing to say after disappearing for so long that Epi felt a thousand times better. “It’s cold you should go in. Are you just in socks?” “Fake foot doesn’t mind it.” “Real one will.” “Yeah. I’ll put coffee on. You’ll be in?” Nick nodded. “Almost done here.” Yes he was scared about what conclusions Nick had come to but he was just so glad the other man was home that for right now he didn’t care. The rest of everything would take care of itself, for this single instant he was just happy to see Nick again.

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Is Yet Chapter Fifty One

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Generally, it was a bad idea to try to walk around without his shoes on. His fake foot was balanced to do best in a shoe, and the height was structured for how he stood in his sneakers. Most days he didn’t bother taking the shoe off the fake foot but he had so he could pad about the house in socks and slippers with Tori. Now he stumbled about the kitchen in wet, cold socks and had to sit down and take them off. That made walking feel even odder. His flesh foot would hit the cold floor with all the normal sensations but his fake one was a dull, flat empty blank. It was a sensation that would have made him feel sick to his stomach a year ago but now, oddly, was starting to feel normal. He was loosing what it felt like to have two feet. Not in a way that someone born without the limb would know but like someone sighted who was blinded forgot just what blue looked like. Some part of his mind would never forget but it was fading away, slipping from his reality like the memories of his lost brother or how his grandfather’s sweaters had smelled when the older man had hugged him close. It made him feel melancholy but not depressed and, in an odd way, it made him feel okay about everything. His socks were tossed over a softly whistling radiator as he moved about the small kitchen. Regular coffee wouldn’t do, Nick liked the flavored ones. That’s why Epi had bought the vanilla spice blend when Tori had taken him to the grocery store. He’d pretended it was because it was cold and seemed to fit but really he’d bought it hoping Nick would come back. Now he had and his hands shook as he let the grinds tumble out into the filter. Coffee had never seemed so important in his entire life and he even poured out filtered water to fill the coffee maker. It was a stupid thought but if the coffee was perfect maybe everything else would come out perfect too. It gurgled and brewed slowly, dropping fat drops of coffee into the glass pot as the kitchen filled with it’s wonderful scent. Epi was too busy to notice it, he kept moving. The canes got in the way so he propped them on the cabinets and moved slower, holding onto the counter top. There wouldn’t be time to make a real breakfast but he could drop toast in the toaster and set the honey butter near it to warm up. By the time he heard Nick’s footsteps on the porch outside stomping and loud as the man knocked snow off his feet, Epi had a decent quick breakfast together. He cut the multigrain bread into triangles, letting the sweet butter dribble from it and got it on the table. He’d even poured the coffee too. Nick’s got way too much milk, almost making it a latte, and too much sugar. It made Epi grin a little bit. For such a masculine guy, Nick drank his coffee like a teenage girl. He proudly drank his black with a little sugar sometimes. The kitchen door opened and with it came a blast of icy air. The day was going to be frigid cold. The kind of day that made staying tucked inside with hot soup and cocoa a small slice of heaven. He carefully got mugs of coffee over onto the table with only one cane to lean on. Nick hurried to shut the door and the winter out. He stomped his feet a little and started peeling off layers. His simple knit cap was covered in melted snowflakes and the light caught the dampness and made it sparkle. His face was red from the cold and it only made him more handsome. Not one, but two coats peeled off his shoulders and were carefully hung up by the door, along with a scarf and the hat he pulled from his head. It made Nick’s hair stick out at odd directions and Nick just ran a hand through it to settle it back down. He bent down to get his boots off and Epi didn’t mind watching. Only as the boots came off and were placed near the radiator to dry out, it left both of them with nothing to do. “I made some toast.” Epi waved lamely at the table. “Wasn’t sure if you were hungry.” Nick nodded his head and sat down. “Thanks.” He wrapped his hands around his coffee and sipped it. “Hmm, it’s good.” “Thanks. You should have been wearing gloves.” The strong hands around the mug were red

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and dry from being out in the cold and it made Epi frown a little. “Left them up in the mountains.” “Going to get frostbite if you keep this up. You can borrow mine. I doubt I’m going out of the house for a while.” “Thanks.” Nick nodded again and took a long sip of his steaming coffee, his eyes glued to the mug. Neither of them was able to touch the cooling toast and Epi began to methodically pick his apart into smaller and smaller pieces. It soon filled his plate in buttery shredded crumbs while they both sat silent and drank their coffee. The only sound was the sipped drinks and the hissing groans of the radiator. “It’s quiet up there.” Nick finally said. “Cabin isn’t on much land but it’s all woods and other hunting camps around so it’s dead silent this time of year. You can see all the stars too.” “Sounds nice.” Epi managed to say around gritting his teeth. He wasn’t going to push, he wasn’t. He’d promised himself he wouldn’t but it was a physical pain to keep his mouth shut. “I thought…well, I thought I’d come home and tell you it’d be a really stupid idea for us to even think about getting serious. I had a list, all written out, of why we shouldn’t.” Epi swallowed a too hot mouthful of coffee. “You had a list?” “I forgot it with my gloves.” Nick flashed a quick, worried grin as his eyes darted up to glance at Epi before they fell back down to his coffee. “So it’d be a stupid idea?” “Yeah. I don’t want to hurt you and I…Epi…I’m not really relationship material. It would be stupid.” “But?” “But…” Nick sighed. “I think you understand. I mean really understand. Without me having to try all the time. I always feel like I’m trying with people and they still don’t get a damn thing about me. It just feels like I don’t have to explain to you.” He flashed another nervous grin. “That sound stupid.” “No.” Epi quickly spat out. “No, it doesn’t.” “We have nothing in common.” “I don’t know about that.” Nick raised his eyebrows. “We listen to different types of music, we’re from different backgrounds, we like different foods, I go to church and you don’t, you grew up with money and I didn’t, we…” “Okay, I get it.” Epi stopped him and shook his head. “That shit doesn’t matter. Does it? Isn’t like we’re fighting over it all the time.” “It’s supposed to matter, if you’re a couple. I mean, I’d like to have kids one day.” Epi had never given two thoughts to children.

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“See? We’d be crazy to do this.” “Maybe.” Epi sighed. “So you want to bail?” “No. I should but no.” The breath whooshed out of Epi in a great gasp and he nodded. “Good. I was worried there for a minute.” “You should be. You’ve had too much heartache already.” “I’m a big boy. I can’t imagine you can hurt me worse than what I’ve already been through. Yeah, okay, it maybe a stupid idea. We both might end up hating each other in a couple of months but, Nick, God? What if we don’t? What if…what if this is as good as it feels? What if we’d be more stupid to stop now?” Nick reached out across the table and took one of Epi’s hands with his own. “It hurt to be away from you, I mean really hurt. Like someone had kicked me in the chest and seeing you on the porch out in the snow? That made it stop hurting.” He didn’t grip Nick’s hand but he didn’t pull his away either. “Tori thinks this is a bad idea. He thinks this is just a rebound thing.” “Well, it is the first relationship you’ve been in since…and, well, I’ve never managed a real relationship. Might not be a bad idea to listen to him. We could wait. I’m not going anywhere.” “Wait? Wait for what? Should you go out and try a relationship with someone else and should I date a couple of people just so you’re not the next guy I’m with after Timothy?” Nick slipped his hand back and took up his coffee mug. “Maybe.” “Don’t be stupid. You’re a good man, Nick Kern. You’re sexy as hell, smart, stubborn. It’s easy to talk together and even when we’re not talking it’s comfortable. I’m not…” Epi slouched back in his chair. “I’m not a man generally comfortable around people and after all this shit? The scars and the leg, the braces and canes, all of that made it worse but I’m comfortable around you. I don’t want to date someone just for the sake of dating them to make coming back to you okay. I don’t…I don’t play the field. I like being home with someone I care about. I like knowing the same guy is going to be beside me when I wake up. I just am wired that way. I’m happiest that way. Yeah, we might fuck this up but what if we don’t?” “What if I can’t? What if…” “What?” Epi prodded when Nick’s voice simply faded away and he refused to look up from his coffee. “What if I’m damaged?” “No.” “Maybe I am. Maybe something in me is broken. I…shit, Epi, I feel so hollow all the time. I want to love you. I want to be everything for you but some days it feels like…like I’m a pumpkin hollowed out and made into a jack o’ lantern. I can move around life just fine and put the right look on my face and pretend to be a human but inside I’m just empty. Inside I always stay as nothing. I’m just a shell and you deserve more.” “You’re not a shell or a pumpkin, you’re a human being. One that was betrayed in the worst way

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possible by someone you should have been able to trust. That’s as damaging as driving full speed into a tree only my scars are on the outside. Physical wounds heal whether or not you want them do or help them to, they heal with time. The wounds you have? They don’t heal with time until you face them.” Nick snorted a little under his breath. “Don’t huff at me. I know what I’m talking about. I watched my brother drown. He went under screaming for me to help him and I stood there and did nothing. It was like someone had broken every bone in my body it hurt so much but everyone was so upset I couldn’t let anyone see that I was dying inside too. I couldn’t put more pain and misery on everyone else around me when it was all my fault. So I hid it and I pretended I was okay and I stopped feeling anything for a while but my parents may have dumped me into a boarding school but they made me see a shrink. As much as I hate to admit it, that made a huge difference. It took my admitting that it felt like my fault, that I was hurt and guilty and that I had murdered my own brother before I started to get better. It’s not the same thing, I know it’s not, but it’s in the same ballpark. You’ve been walking around, pretending everything is okay, for your entire life. Of course you feel numb, if you weren’t how the hell would you have survived that?” It made him ache to confess that, made his eyes water up with old tears that he hadn’t shed since he was a boy. That was always going to be a wound he would be tender in sharing but he’d needed to share it. “What if I stay like this? Stay broken?” “You say that like you aren’t enough as you are?” “I’m not.” “You are, for me, with me, you’re enough just being you but you shouldn’t have to carry this anymore. You don’t need to be the walking wounded anymore. I know, Tori knows, we’ll help you however we can. Even if we turn out to be a dud as a couple.” “He’s right, you know.” Tori whispered from the doorway and made both men almost give themselves whiplash they snapped their heads around so fast. “Therapy is a good idea but if you don’t want to do that, we’ll both support you however we can.” “How long have you been there?” Epi asked as he rubbed at his eyes. “Long enough, dearest.” He slipped into the room to ruffle Epi’s hair and pour his own mug of coffee. “I didn’t mean to spy. You never told me about your brother, not like that.” “It’s old history.” “Hmm.” He gave Epi his, you’re in trouble but we’ll talk about it later look and sat down at the table. “Epi’s right though, just having told someone, just having someone else know, is going to make a difference.” He glanced between the two men and sighed. “Look, you’re both stubborn sons of bitches so let me help. Epi knows he’s a clingy fool. He gets attached way, way too easily. That said, he is picky and discerning and doesn’t get attached to people lightly. He doesn’t want to put pressure on you to want to be with him but it’s going to give him an ulcer if this continues because he really, really would like to be your boyfriend. Now, Epi, Nick has issues. He’s emotionally shut himself down so that the only way he could feel any sort of intimacy is by being a slut and sleeping around but the moment anyone gets to close he gets spooked about being hurt and runs like a girl.” “Hey.” Nick protested. “Shhh you’ll thank me later.” Tori waved a hand at him to shut him up not caring if it was the slut or girl comment that earned the protest. “He wants a relationship with you Epi but you’re right,

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he’s honorable and kind and too careful. He’s worried that his own fears are going to stop him. So let me help. Yes, I think this is a dumb idea and you’ll both end up crying at me later but I want to be wrong. Both of you, stop thinking, stop worrying and just jump in. Give it a try, see how it feels and for God’s sake stop thinking about every what if!” Tori’s rant made Nick blush and Epi just sighed and let his too long hair fall forward to cover his eyes. “Now, I’m going to take this toast…” he snatched the bread from Nick’s plate. “And my coffee and I’m going into the living room to put the tv on very loudly. I suggest the two of you go upstairs for some make up alone time and just stop thinking!”

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Is Yet Chapter Fifty Two

Tori followed through with his threat and quickly left the kitchen. Epi kept his head down but couldn’t help but smile when the tv clicked on and the volume went up. It wasn’t very subtle and pretty much stole whatever lingering thoughts of lust that might have been floating around his mind. “Well, this is a little awkward.” Epi sighed and pushed his way to his feet. “It’s okay, you know, I don’t expect us to do anything. I’m just glad you’re home. I was really starting to get worried.” He moved with one cane and to get his coffee mug into the sink. “I had it in my head that you were lost in the snow somewhere.” He heard Nick stand up and heard his footsteps come closer. Epi stepped a little to the side so Nick could put his own mug and now empty plate into the sink as well. A hand slipped along his waist and the touch made Epi jump a little in startled surprise. He lost his grip on the cane and it clattered to the floor as the strong hand turned him, spun him as if he weighed nothing at all. Nick was right there, already standing in his personal space, filling his vision. Another hand snaked across his neck and Epi knew his eyes were wide and startled at so suddenly being turned. They closed to slits when the hand settled at the back of his skull, strong fingers tangled into his hair before clenching into a fist to hold him steady. It was visceral and Epi felt his stomach flip over. Nick stood there for a long moment, his eyes flicking across Epi’s surprised face, before he stepped forward. Their bodies slipped together. Epi’s legs automatically knew where to be to let Nick stand with one thigh rubbing oh so perfectly between them. He stumbled a little but Nick just pushed closer, sliding them back until the edge of the countertop pressed against Epi’s body and pinned him in place. Still, Nick paused. Both of their breathing now flowed in quick gasps as desire leapt from a spark to a fire and burned

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across their flesh. Epi would have ended the stand off by pushing forward and pressing his mouth to Nick’s but the hand in his hair held him still. He was trapped in place with Nick pressed to him, heat rolling off his body to melt Epi. Their bodies pressed so close together that Epi could feel the growing hardness of Nick’s desire and that aching point of contact only reminded him of how long the days had been since Nick had gone away to think. He’d never really minded celibacy before but he was minding it now. And Nick, he had gone just as long and Epi knew the other man didn’t accept abstinence well. Nick was burning for need and Epi shivered knowing it was a need for him not just a need for sex. The look in Nick’s blue eyes went from uncertainty, to need, to hunger and settled on a look that shook Epi to his core. He wasn’t pretending, he wasn’t seeing what he wanted to see. Epi glanced into those too easy to read blue eyes and saw vulnerability and more, he saw doubt, fear of rejection, worry and a loneliness he knew all too well. If it was possible it made Epi even hotter for the strong man that he grabbed him and than stumbled into his own insecurities. Epi licked his own lips and stopped trying to squirm forward to kiss Nick. Instead he whispered one single word. “Please.” Some of the doubt faded but still Nick didn’t move. It was driving Epi half insane with need but he understood. Nick’s life was built around casual flings. Feel good sexual encounters that ended when they grew too deep or started to mean too much and he’d never once been really intimate with anyone. Only Epi knew, he knew the darkest, most hidden secret. He knew the secret that had been too much for Nick himself to know. Instead of it driving Nick away, pushing him to run as fast as he could, it had drawn him closer. It left the man floundering in his own vulnerability, unsure how sex was supposed to proceed when it was more than just the coming together of two physical beings. “Nick…please…” He begged again and saw something that surprised him. Asking, softly, whisperingly begging, was making it alright for Nick. Maybe it was a deeply hidden kink or maybe the other man just needed the extra push of reassurance, Epi didn’t care. He arched his back so his own growing, hard, ache rubbed tighter against Nick and carefully he sighed. “Please…please kiss me…please…” It was enough and broke through the emotions holding Nick back. His lips smashed into Epi’s, seeking and finding a starving kiss. The hand in his hair tightened, tugged, pulled his head to tilt it back a little more and open his already parted mouth further. He lost the feel of the counter pressed against his back as Nick’s tongue slipped between his lips and teased him. It made him moan and he didn’t need to beg again to get the man to kiss him for all he was worth. The kiss was enough to make him forget they were still in the kitchen. If Nick had wanted to strip him naked and slather him in butter before taking him over the kitchen table Epi wasn’t going to protest. The only thing that reminded him in his floating world need and how much Nick seemed to want to consume him was the very loud television playing in the far too nearby living room. Maybe that was the point, maybe Nick wanted something to keep them from going too far. It was the first time they’d kissed, the first time they’d really touched since Epi had learned about Nick’s past. Maybe Nick wasn’t ready to go further than just really hot kissing and having Tori in the other room might be the unspoken limit the other man wanted. It was going to hurt, Epi was desperate to rip Nick’s clothes off and do more things with his mouth than just kiss Nick’s lips. When the hand in his hair eased a little and the lips nibbled and finally broke away from his mouth, Epi was panting for breath. His knees felt like jelly and he wasn’t sure he could stand even with the help of the canes. Only this time he felt unstable because his entire body was

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tingling with delight instead of being unstable because his body was broken and destroyed. “Wow…” Epi managed to whisper almost against Nick’s lips. “That was a kiss.” The hand let go of his hair but didn’t go far. It stroked through the strands, fingertips staying to touch the curve of his ear, to linger at the sensitive skin on his neck. It wasn’t helpful for him to regaining his control. “Do you…did you want…?” Epi wasn’t sure if he was going to ask if Nick wanted to join him upstairs or if he wanted to go join Tori and watch tv or something else. None of the confident swagger came back into Nick’s eyes but a smile darted across his face and warmed the uncertainty. “Do I want you? Yeah, I do.” He sighed. “I can’t wait long enough for you to hobble your skinny ass upstairs.” “What?” He was fairly sure he’d been insulted but Nick’s fingers were tracing his lips and it was making thinking very difficult. The smile grew mischievous and the hand tracing across his lips, chin, nose dropped lower to join the one holding firmly to his waist. Before he knew what to expect Nick lifted him, leaning down and Epi found himself quite suddenly tossed over Nick’s shoulder like a sack of potatoes. “Hey!” He tried to squirm but that only made Nick laugh. “What’re you doing? Put me down!” He snapped and wiggled but Nick was already moving them into the house. “Hold still, you don’t want me to drop you, do you?” It was Nick’s pure amusement that made him sigh and stop trying to slide off of Nick’s shoulder and let the man carry him toward the stairs. The tv muted as Nick walked within view of the living room. “What the…” Epi lifted his head and raised his eyebrows in a look for resigned acceptance mixed with amused annoyance. “You Tarzan, he Jane. Have fun kids.” That made Tori laugh and he turned the tv back on. “I thought friends are supposed to rescue you?” Nick hefted Epi a little higher on his shoulder before starting up the stairs. “You want rescued?” The steps dropped away below them and made him dizzy. Epi clutched at Nick’s shoulder. “Not really, just don’t drop me.” A hand slipped over Epi’s ass, comfort and grope combined. “You’re not going anywhere.” Nick didn’t drop him and didn’t stop until they were in Epi’s bedroom. It was only then that Nick carefully placed Epi down on the edge of the messy and unmade bed. He could have just dropped him but instead he almost crouched down, taking extra care even now. Epi was a little embarrassed to find being hauled to bed to be ravished like some kidnapped maiden in a bad novel turned him on. He stripped his long sleeve t-shirt off as Nick moved to toss cats from the room and shut the door. Epi was tugging off his wrist brace and loosening the ties to the drawstring of his sleeping pants when Nick rejoined him on the bed. Nick’s hands traced over his shoulders and Epi shivered. He was picked up again but not thrown over a shoulder this time. This time Nick just slipped Epi to sit across his lap. He wouldn’t mind being tossed around if it ended with him straddling Nick’s lap, his lips slipping forward to drag

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kisses across Nick’s face, to nip at his lips. Epi’s hands pulled and yanked at Nick’s shirt, peeling away the flannel only to find a thermal shirt underneath. He groaned. “Layers…” “It’s cold out…” Nick sighed, his hands slipping down Epi’s naked spine. The rougher woven shirt was perfect for keeping warm but Epi suddenly cursed the cold and cursed the thermal shirt that kept Nick’s skin from his hands. Nick’s hands weren’t having nearly the same trouble and the feel of them running across his back and chest made his blood boil. It wasn’t until Nick’s fingers ghosted across his nipples, just barely teasing in the contact, that it sunk in that he’d stripped his shirt away without a second thought. It surprised him so much, the suddenly slamming back of his scared and broken he looked, caused him to break the nibbling, teasing kiss and pull away. “What?” Nick questioned and his eyes darted around the room looking for the source of surprise and uneasy in Epi’s eyes. “I…I forgot how I looked for a moment.” That made Nick’s smile return, gentler, softer. “Epi…while I was gone? I tried to think about what it would have been like to have been able to have you before the accident. You know? No braces or scars or your own phobias? I couldn’t do it. It was wrong. The man I want is you, with the wounds and scars. You, as you are, you’re what I want. Not how you were, how you are, you’re perfect how you are.” There was no denying Nick was being boldly honest. Nick saw him, saw his injuries and wounds and wanted him as he was. Epi sat across Nick’s lap, stunned as the truth dissolved into his own lust fogged mind and for the first time since he’d woken up after the accident he felt whole. He shook his head and kissed the besotted smile on Nick’s face before he let himself slip from Nick’s lap to kneel on the floor between his knees. Epi dug his fingers into the front of Nick’s jeans and wasn’t surprised to see the man was wearing a pair with a button fly. Button flies annoyed him to wear but it made opening a pair someone else was wearing so much easier. He tugged at them and the buttons parted with happy popping sounds. “What are you…?” The question died on his lips as Epi’s hand slipped inside his underwear and pushed the fabric aside. He knew what Epi was doing, he just couldn’t believe it. In all they’d done Epi had never once even tried to slip between his legs and Nick hadn’t asked. Fellatio to him was wonderful and casual but it had been pretty clear that to Epi it was something more intimate than actual sex. Yet there he was, on his knees between Nick’s legs. His hand gently holding him and Nick struggling to tell his body to not be too excited, that things might not be what they seem. His body disagreed and ever twitch and flutter of Epi’s hand on his length made it weep with want. His fingers itched to tangle into Epi’s slightly shaggy dark hair. It had been too long since he’d had any man between his legs and the fantasy of having it be Epi was one he’d masturbated to far too many times. “Epi….” He managed to force out. “You don’t…you don’t have to…” Epi nuzzled the side of his face against the nearest denim covered thigh. “I know…I want to…I really, really want to.” The purred words made Nick thrust a little into Epi’s teasing hand. His legs fell even wider apart. “Oh…God…”

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Is Yet Chapter Fifty Three

The hungry moaning words made Epi shiver. The smile that came across his lips as he licked them was pure wicked pleasure. Oral sex had never been casual to him, not that he’d been exceptionally good at any casual sex. There was just something more personal about having someone’s cock in his mouth, his face pressed to their groin. Each breath perfumed by the scent of their skin as he offered up pure pleasure. He knew his feelings weren’t commonly shared but going down on a guy was a serious thing to him. It meant something. He enjoyed pleasing his partner but the act itself wasn’t a huge turn on for him, personally. So it meant something when he cared enough for another guy to really, deeply, want to swallow him whole. The fact that it was Nick, his pass for straight, slightly broken Nick made him want to go very slowly. The denim was cool against his skin and smelled of pine trees and crisp snow and something more, something masculine and totally Nick without cologne or perfumed soaps. It was the simple scent of clean, healthy male mixed with the linger smells of the outdoors and it made Epi feel drunk as he slipped along the fabric covered legs. If Nick had been overly large Epi doubted he would have been impressed but the man was a good length without being too long and a perfect weight in his hands. He’d grown to really like being able to slip his hand down into Nick’s pants and just fondle the other man a little in a teasing quick foreplay game before their casual encounters. Now, knowing he could tease and touch all that perfect length as much as he wanted, as often as he wanted, without having to try to pretend he didn’t care, made him giddy with need. The puff of Epi’s breath teased across the very crown of Nick’s length and his hands fisted into the blankets. It was almost too much and Epi hadn’t really done anything yet. Each time Epi’s fingers twitched a little, moved a little against his fevered skin his entire body trembled. He was almost ready to beg the slender man to do something because he couldn’t bring himself to just pull him back onto his lap and take him. The offer had been suggested and Nick wanted, no, he needed Epi’s lips to touch his cock. Epi glanced up and the mocking sarcasm he used so well to drive people away from him was sharp and crisp in his eyes, gleaming like a challenge as he teasingly licked his lips. It made Nick break out in a cold sweat. One he quickly forgot when that tormenting tongue flicked out and slowly was drawn down the length of his hardness to circle the root and just as slowly slip it’s way back up to lap softly at the far too sensitive crown. “Oh…God!” Nick called out and his spine arched him backwards. The reaction must have been what Epi was looking for because the man continued to tease, licking like a hungry cat, very lightly suckling at just the right places and leaving Nick too fogged to think clearly. “You….oh Epi….tease…”

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Epi laughed and rubbed the side of his face against the small v of exposed skin where Nick’s jeans were pulled open. “You say that like it’s a bad thing.” He whispered in his best attempt at a bedroom voice before rubbing against Nick’s length a little, kissing softly, touching even more gently and being very careful to keep Nick off balance and boiling with need. That was what he liked, that tease and response, knowing Nick was whimpering for him. It was all almost too much. Nick wasn’t a man used to being denied. His lovers weren’t about the tease and chase, his lovers were simple, easy, uncomplicated. That’s how he’d always liked it before he’d met Epi and had everything turned upside down. Simple felt boring with Epi tormenting him with kiss and licks without even getting anywhere close to satisfaction. Until hot wetness engulfed him and all thoughts of cursing Epi for being so complicated and not easy disappeared. He wanted to watch but Nick couldn’t keep his eyes open. His hand found Epi’s head and silken soft waves curled around his fingers as he struggled not to grip too tightly and not to force Epi to surrender more of the pleasure he was offering than he was comfortable. Nick wanted every inch of his length buried in Epi’s mouth, deep and wet but life wasn’t like his own fantasies and he didn’t want to hurt his teasing lover. It surprised him when fraction by fraction Epi slipped down his shaft. Swallowing him deeper than he’d expected, deeper than he’d hoped for. Tongue and lips teased him with the slow consumption and Nick’s legs trembled as the pleasure made him go weak. He struggled with himself to stay still, struggled not to pull at Epi’s hair or rock his hips upward in encouragement. Epi had to be reaching his limit and Nick wasn’t going to hurt him by being an insensitive jerk. Only Epi wasn’t at his limit. Somehow when it had become clear that Epi felt differently about oral sex than Nick, Nick’s mind had come to assume that Epi wouldn’t be very good at it. He’d been with a few men that had been in long term relationships and most of them were mediocre at blow jobs, performing on him what their partners liked or what they were used to doing. He’d been with a few men that just didn’t enjoy the task and had given lack luster efforts. Some where along their quick fucks on the sofa and the slower, hotter bouts of kissing and stroking they’d shared, Nick had pegged Epi as being in one of the two categories and had figured he’d always be able to encourage Epi to be better at it once the other man was willing to even try. He’d been totally wrong and as Epi eased enough of his length into his mouth Nick’s mind stumbled over the unexpected skill. It wasn’t just Epi’s surprising abilities at deep throating that shocked him. The man was good at everything. Teeth never knicked at him without it being done to enhance the softness of lips and tongue, Epi suckled and kissed and did things Nick was surprised he knew let alone knew and was comfortable doing. He adapted to Nick’s reactions, his hands touched him and caressed his exposed skin without uncertainty. It was a blow job to but his own skills to shame and the thought that Epi, distant, aloof, snarky Epi could so easily turn him into a quivering pile of lusting goo made it all the better. He managed to get his eyes open to see his length slipping from Epi’s mouth, slick and wet. Dark hair curled everywhere tickling his thighs. He tried to drift his eyes away from the obvious but saw Epi’s hands, long and elegant, resting on his body. He adored those hands, the way they touched his body so softly when they slept together or clawed at him when he had Epi panting, driving into him as they tumbled around on the sofa. His eyes quickly shifted away but he saw Epi’s back instead, his shoulders, his chest. Pale and scarred, trimmed of anything extra and marked with loss and pain, Epi’s body was beautiful to him because of the flaws, because of the history and it was nearly too much. Just because Epi could blow like a porn star didn’t mean the other man was as open and willing to have Nick just come right there with no warning. It wasn’t a conversation they’d had and Nick struggled to hold tightly to his last shreds of control. That didn’t mean he wanted to hold on. He wanted to finish, to spill himself while so deep in Epi’s mouth, to see a little of his release glossy

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against Epi’s lips, he wanted to see Epi swallow and than kiss him with Nick flavoring his mouth. Nick tried to squash any other fantasies that came to mind. Fantasies like what could happen if he pushed Epi away a little as he came, letting his release mark his lover and than offering to lick him clean. His thoughts alone would have been enough to make him moan but with Epi between his legs the moan was desperate. Nick let go of Epi’s hair and tried to catch his shoulder, tried to pull him away. “Can’t…stop…Ep…Ep…Epi…please…don..don’t want to…oh God…want you…” He panted out and it made no sense outside of his own head. Epi let the grip on his shoulder pull him away. As Nick’s cock slipped from his mouth he nearly laughed at the audible suction sound. It wasn’t sexy but he’d always been an awkward, sometimes even a clumsy, lover. Every touch from Nick was smooth, skillful, in control and when they’d fallen off the sofa or smacked elbows or heads into things it was always Epi’s fault, not Nick’s. He didn’t laugh at his latest screw up because the sound made Nick tremble in a long shudder that coursed across his body and tightened the grip on his shoulder. He let Nick’s begging words dissolve over him and he understood, even with how fragmented they were. More, he agreed, whole heartedly agreed. Epi slipped back from where he was crouched between Nick’s legs. His bad knee screamed in painful protest but he ignored it. He did something that would have been impossible even a few months earlier, he stood up on his own without the use of his crutches or canes and his arms to steady him. “Get your pants off.” Epi whispered, unsatisfied by so much denim covering so much skin. He too his own advice and pulled at the ties of his own simple pants, letting them fall off his too narrow hips to expose missing leg and damaged knee. No amount of lust and need in Nick’s eyes could change the disappointment and disgust Epi always felt at seeing himself naked, but Nick’s desire burned his own self hated to dust and made it something unimportant. He left Nick laying there, stunned, mouth hanging open as he gasped for breath. Epi moved to the bedside table to the gifts Tori had left there. The lube and condoms sat waiting and Epi was grateful for his friend’s not so subtle hints. Epi dropped one of the foil wrapped squares on the bed, the lube following it, before he sat down beside Nick. Epi rolled his eyes. “Pants, off, now.” He teased as he loosened and removed the brace on his knee and made quick work of his fake leg. That made his hands shake and his own erection shrink. The sun was bright in the room and there would be little chance to hide the ugliness of the missing limb in shadow or blankets. Nick had seen it before but it felt too bright, too vulnerable this time and he almost didn’t remove the fake leg. It was only the thought that he wanted to be bare and naked against Nick, with nothing artificial between them to keep them apart, that allowed him to push aside his own self disgust and remove the leg. How he saw himself wasn’t how Nick saw him and that was a huge turn on. Nick saw him as desirable as he was, with nothing hidden and with no shame. He’d mocked Nick once for not knowing what it was like to carry hidden disgust and shame and Epi would give anything to go back and prevent those words. Nick had lived with his own misplaced shame and disgust for years longer than Epi and it broke his heart to think about. Epi glanced over as he removed his leg and was surprised to see Nick still sitting there, his pants still on. He raised his eyebrows and glanced very clearly to the jeans. Nick flushed redder than he’d been and a surprised look settled across his face. “Sorry.” He muttered and quickly stripped the denim from his legs. “That’s okay, see? You made it up to me…” He tried to purr and felt silly. He didn’t feel like a sexy person anymore. It wasn’t just the accident and scars, he hadn’t felt sexy for a long time but

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Nick made him want to purr and tease. “Here, let me help…” He flipped the foil square across his fingers before he caught a corner in his teeth and ripped the package open. The latex was cool in his hand but it must have felt freezing to Nick because as Epi rolled the material down over Nick’s very hot length the man gasped. “Shhh I can warm it back up.” “Epi…” “Hmm?” He glanced over to where Nick was naked, sitting on the edge of his bed and looking very unconfident. It wasn’t an expression Epi was used to seeing when it came to Nick and sex. He squeezed lube out onto his hand, letting the gel warm to his body temperature before slowly stroking Nick’s length. Nick panted for breath and shook his head. He couldn’t stop his hips from jerking up into Epi’s hand and some corner of his mind wondered if Epi had taken how to be sexy lessons while he’d been away. When it occurred to him that maybe this was how Epi just was with someone he cared for and that Nick was now safely that someone, he had to think about baseball to keep from coming at Epi’s touch. “Oh, my God…”

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Is Yet Chapter Fifty Four

The gasped words made Epi grin. “I like hearing you say that.” He whispered as he leaned forward to lick at Nick’s ear. It was easy to move Nick’s hands aside but when he moved to straddle the strong thighs his own body rebelled. His knee locked up and without a lower leg and foot on the other side Epi was embarrassed to find he was slipping off the edge of the bed inside of across Nick’s lap. Until those hands he’d brushed aside came and wrapped around his waist. He hadn’t even had to ask or struggle, Nick was just there, knowing, before he could even verbalize what he needed. It didn’t hurt any that what he wanted was the same thing Nick wanted but it still made him sigh in happy pleasure as strong hands curled around his waist and half lifted him up. They didn’t pull or demand but he could feel how they wanted to drag him over. When Epi tried again to throw his entact leg across Nick’s legs the hands encouraged without forcing. That was fine by him and this time Epi managed to get his legs safely wrapped around Nick, his knees tucked up close to his hips and he barely even minded that one leg felt wrong compared to the other. It became impossible to even notice any of his healed injuries as Nick’s hands slipped down from his waist to drift over the curve of his ass and just barely tease him. “Bony ass…”

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“Hey, if you’re going to complain I can take my bony ass somewhere else…” Epi tried to sound hurt but it wasn’t easy with Nick’s blue eyes sparkling with lust, want and teasing amusement. His protests disappeared as Nick slipped a surprisingly slick finger down the crevice of his ass to just tease at his opening. “I like your bony ass.” Epi wanted to say something clever. He wanted to confess his emotions and how right it felt to be naked with Nick, even with the scars and damage. He wanted to use his words to make Nick feel the way Epi felt when they were curled together, safe and wanted, warmed just by having him near, but his voice seemed distant. It was the sincerity in Nick’s own words that made him shiver. All he could do was push against Nick’s shoulders and hike his own body up. There was no missing the hot, slick length between them and Epi gripped it securely. He may not have had Nick’s experience or even Tori’s but Epi wasn’t shy when he knew he was safe and secure with his lover. He could have stroked and cradled Nick’s cock all day and fallen asleep with it resting securely in his hand at night without a blush or bit of embarrassment. There was no way, naked and across the man’s lap, that Epi was going to be shy about fondling him now and he offered a few teasing strokes just to watch Nick shiver and see his eyes squint shut. It was only when Nick closed his eyes, his face gone slack and vulnerable, that Epi wiggled forward. He could have waited but he didn’t want to. He’d waited almost two weeks for Nick to figure out that they were good together. He’d waited a year to even meet him. He didn’t even want to try to think about how long he’d waited, lonely and empty while Timothy seemed to hate him, for someone like Nick to really want him. He was fed up of waiting and one more moment would be one more moment of waiting more than he could stand. His body agreed and as he let the crown of Nick’s cock rest against his ass everything seemed to melt in it’s desperation for agreement. There was only a single, wonderful moment while his body got the message that this was what it had been wanting. One wonderful moment of resistance before need and gravity pulled him down, pushing himself against Nick’s hardness until everything, suddenly, eased with his want. His body opened and swallowed Nick, took him inside with barely a tremor. Epi arched his back and moaned, the hand he’d left on Nick’s shoulder dug in, half holding the other man in place. He was more than half afraid Nick would vanish again just as they were getting to the good parts. It felt like they’d been lovers forever. His body just seemed to know Nick’s. He moaned and his breath rushed in quick panting sighs as Nick filled him. It made his nerves feel like fireworks. It made him wonder how he’d ever let Timothy talk him into being top most of time, he loved this single act with the right man, loved everything about it. His body had missed it and he closed his eyes to focus on every last sensation as he slipped lower and lower before settling across Nick’s lap, joined and one. The temptation to simply go for his own pleasure was strong. Epi didn’t really want or need Nick to cuddle him and be kind as he had before, when they’d been in his bed. Not that he minded but what he needed, really needed, right now was a good, solid, old fashioned fucking. If Nick was going to keep his hands on Epi’s ass, he wasn’t above taking what he wanted. As he adjusted and wavered on the idea of being so totally selfish, Epi opened his eyes and was surprised to find Nick’s eyes closed as well. It almost made him laugh at his own self centered passion that he’d expect Nick to be watching every sigh, every time he touched himself in showing pleasure. He would have laughed if he didn’t notice something. It wasn’t even something he understood, a crinkle around the corner of Nick’s eyes, a slackness to the fingers on his skin, something he couldn’t define but was there. When it sunk in that what he was seeing was Nick almost on autopilot Epi stopped his slow wiggling movements.

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He brought his hands to either side of Nick’s face. “Open your eyes.” He whispered but the eyes in front of him stayed closed. “Nick, open your eyes.” Gradually the blue eyes peeked open. Nick’s lips were parted as he gasped for breath and the look was sexy but something in the blue eyes made Epi a little sad. It was a distance that he never would have noticed before. Nick was good in the bedroom. He was certainly good enough to spin Epi’s head around and distract him so much that he wouldn’t notice that something inside of him was clicked off. Or maybe it just wasn’t until Epi stopped trying to disconnect and gave in to his desire to feel everything Nick stirred in him that he finally saw that Nick wasn’t, or couldn’t. Even while trembling, a bead of sweat slipping down between his shoulder blades to slip down his spine, his body screaming for more than just stillness, Epi’s mind put the pieces together and he understood. It wasn’t that Nick didn’t want to connect because the man had slung him over a shoulder and carried him to the bedroom like some caveman. The trouble was Nick couldn’t connect. He’d even confessed that he’d associated sex with pain and damage for years after the abuse had stopped but it wasn’t sex that was broken for him. The disconnect wasn’t in the physical reactions and pleasures two bodies shared, as Epi well knew. The disconnect was in intimacy. There wasn’t anything Epi could do that was more intimate than sex, especially now that the accident had left him damaged and broken. It wasn’t just about the physical, no matter how great the physical was. He’d never learned to separate intimacy from sexuality and it was why he knew he was so bad at one night stands and casual encounters. Nick wasn’t just in his body, for Epi they were joined emotionally and he’d have it no other way no matter how rawly vulnerable it felt. Nick hadn’t been given a choice. His uncle had broken that connection with physical pleasure and touch and safe intimacy. He’d stripped it down to something dirty and forced Nick to lock his soul away to stay sane. It had allowed Nick to survive and he’d made something of an art out of casual sex but he’d never connected again. Epi may have logically understood but his emotions swung wildly in a circle. He was giving everything he had to Nick, with nothing held back. He had no pride, no shame, nothing at all but the need to connect and belong with and to his new lover. He hide nothing and Nick couldn’t even look him in the eye. It made him angry, it made him want to pull away and stop. It made him want to cry for the pain and damage Nick had spent a lifetime hiding. Instead he kissed Nick. Softly and when Nick tried to take it deeper Epi carefully kept it teasing and gentle. The hands clenched on his ass and pulled him a little, trying to make Epi move again but even with one leg he was stubborn and held still. “Look at me…look at me…I love you.” He saw Nick flinch a little, a tiny twitch around his eyes and a small crease between them but that small motion gave away the turmoil behind the steady expression. “It’s okay…” Epi kissed him again only this time Nick didn’t try to make it deeper. “It’s okay, I love you…look at me…” The blue eyes didn’t close and Epi ran his fingers across Nick’s face. “It’s okay…” He stopped wondering if he was whispering that for his own comfort or Nick’s but it was soothing. It moved him from frenzied need to something deeper. They were joined and with Nick watching him and not lost in his own world of purely physical sensations it wasn’t just their bodies that were joined. It was something Epi had craved for years, something he’d lost with Timothy under the weight of guilt and drugs and tantrums. Something he wasn’t sure they’d even had in the first place as Nick’s eyes dug into his soul and begged him wordlessly for mercy. He’d always dreamed of seeing need and, yes, love and no barriers in someone else’s eyes directed at him and Nick with a glance gave him all that and more.

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He moved now, connected in more than mere flesh. Epi rocked and two moans filled the bedroom. He let Nick slip from his body and he watched as Nick struggled to keep his eyes open, his lips dry now from his panting breath. Strong hands on his hips pulled him back down as Nick thrust lightly up, joining them deeply and making their bodies shiver as one. “That’s it…stay with me…” Epi whispered and leaned forward. He pressed his forehead to Nick’s making his entire vision fill with Nick’s blue eyes. It was okay to let their eyes squint shut and peek out from under heavy lids now because with those peeks electricity ran down both their spines. Nick’s hands clung to Epi and he lost the ability to tell if he was moving or if Nick was moving under him. The single bead of sweat between his shoulder blades was joined by others as his entire world because blue eyes, grasping hands and the feel of Nick’s hardness pushing harder in and out of his body. He didn’t even feel his own length anymore, swollen and aching, dripping wet with need like dew on a spring plant, all the world was Nick. “O..oh…my..God…” Nick whispered. His hands clenched up and he slammed hard into Epi’s body, pulled at him until Epi moved in time. Epi watched the blue eyes water up in pleasure close enough to pain to lose all distinction as Nick came. He let Nick rock into him, slower and slower as his body eased from a release that left him shaking. Epi watched Nick’s face twist from pleasure to grief and confusion as each rough, poorly timed thrust made the crown of Epi’s cock glide against Nick’s bare stomach. Slowly the frantic, desperate motion eased and Nick’s hands left Epi’s hips and ass. Strong arms folded around him, hugged him tight, pulled him close. Nick buried his face in the loose curls of Epi’s hair. It was a new torment. As Nick’s body soothed and eased, drifting down like a dandelion puff from the high of his climax, Epi’s body was still whipcord tense and trembling. His length was trapped between their bodies where each one of Nick’s panting, exhausted breaths caused his stomach to rub against him. It was a teasing sensation that made Epi whimper but wasn’t enough to make him come. “I love you.” Nick whispered. The words were like a lightening bolt. They hit Epi and raced through his body. His muscles jerked without direction, twitching in reaction to words that made his heart bleed with joy. They settled like fire in his belly and the burning need for release spilled over. “O…oh…oh…oh…o..oh…” He moaned over and over as his body trembled in place while his cock danced it’s release. The arms around him tightened. Soft lips pressed against his neck and Epi barely felt it he was so lost in everything and nothing. “It’s okay…I’ve got you…we’re okay…” Nick whispered as Epi’s body arched and fluttered in a release stronger than anything he’d ever felt before. It left Epi whimpering and light headed. If Nick hadn’t been holding him he might have fallen over or passed out. He wrapped his arms around Nick’s back and pulled him as close as Nick was holding him, clung to the man and wondered how Nick had turned the emotional tables on him and left him feeling stripped and raw. “Don’t leave me.” Epi whimpered and he knew it sounded clingy and needy and pathetic but he didn’t care. “Don’t leave me ever again…” He was gasping for breath and prayed he wouldn’t cry but the vulnerability felt like tears. “It hurts when you go away… I’m sorry…I’m sorry…” “Shhhh…” Nick ran a hand down Epi’s spine and petted his hair. Epi clung to the settling strength as both their breathing stilled and their bodies began to chill. “We’re both broken, huh?” The vulnerability in Nick’s voice surprised Epi but it helped him gain some of his own control back. It felt okay to be a bit crazed and desperate so long as Nick felt it too. He nodded against

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the shoulder he was pressed against, agasint the slowly petting hand. “Broken and smashed into bits but…I think…something is yet.” The weird grammar of Nick’s regional accent caught Epi by surprise and broke through the trembling emotional shock. He knew what the phrase meant now and he nodded again and found he didn’t have to clutch at Nick so tightly because he knew the other man wasn’t going anywhere. “Yeah, something is yet.”

the end.

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