HOW TO FAIL: THE SELF-HURT GUIDE !"#$%&'"()"**+,-".,/01*+2
!Attention mom, The Pope, rabbis, priests, and future would-be employers everywhere: nasty word warning! How to Fail is lurid and HILARIOUS." - THE HEDONIST JIVE
!How To Fail is at once a foray into the depths of spiritual bankruptcy and the foremost authority on boner genres." - TIM CALPIN, screenwriter, Assassination of a High School President
!Ladies, whether you're daddy's little princess, or daddy's little demon, this is the book for you." - KELLY DOOLEY, Founder, BodyRock Sport Q3435"777E!!8$#D$'9>!8(EH$F">$8"F$8&" 3#>$8F!53$#"$#"5634"!#9"J8,$K8,'%$68,,%E !""#$%&'()*$+,$ -."/"0).1,$20/1,$3&'()*'4
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HOW TO FAIL
–The Philadelphia Lawyer, Happy Hour is for Amateurs
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HOW TO FAIL | THE SELF-HURT GUIDE A NOVEL BY AARON GOLDFARB
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THANK YOUS... To mom, dad, Rachel, Sarah, cuzin Gilby, Panda, bro Steven, The Boyz, Jay, TC, JD, K$, JP, Cuseman, KOIII, NFP, #1 fan Bluepen, V Nida, M.A., Seth Godin, Dave Haislip, Norman Shabel & my editor Amy Cianfrone at Chateau, my manager and champion Craig T. Wood, and ELO.
FUCK YOUS... Oh I’ve got plenty...
PART ONE | HELL’S KITCHEN 1 $1O"81"R>5@"81"`458D">"#17DC5ED",?841AJH851?!" " " " " " " " " " " " < 2 $1O"81"R>5@"81".18"/D8"a5C8>UD?"R14">"*JI!" " " " " " " " " " " " " " L #$$%&'()%*+!,-$!.!/$-!%$!0$!123(2*!(24!0(+2*+!5$6&*3!62!7$8+!/*(4! 9:
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TABLE OF CONTENTS
PART TWO | UWS 8
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“Failure is not a single, cataclysmic event. You don’t fail overnight. Instead, failure is a few errors in judgment, repeated every single day.” – Jim Rohn
PART ONE | HELL’S KITCHEN
1 | HOW TO FAIL
TO WRITE A COHESIVE INTRODUCTION
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1
HOW TO FAIL
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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE
HOW TO FAIL TO WRITE A COHESIVE INTRODUCTION
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3
HOW TO FAIL
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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE
HOW TO FAIL TO WRITE A COHESIVE INTRODUCTION
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5
2 | HOW TO FAIL
TO NOT GET MISTAKEN FOR A BUM
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7
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HOW TO FAIL
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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE
HOW TO FAIL TO NOT GET MISTAKEN FOR A BUM
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9
HOW TO FAIL
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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE
HOW TO FAIL TO NOT GET MISTAKEN FOR A BUM
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11
HOW TO FAIL
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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE
HOW TO FAIL TO NOT GET MISTAKEN FOR A BUM
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13
HOW TO FAIL
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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE
HOW TO FAIL TO NOT GET MISTAKEN FOR A BUM
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15
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HOW TO FAIL
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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE
HOW TO FAIL TO NOT GET MISTAKEN FOR A BUM
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17
HOW TO FAIL
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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE
HOW TO FAIL
-A>3C"u"-8D?H7"4>?6D"s`7D4D"-"u"87D"C8D?H7"H1?C8>?8t
TO NOT GET MISTAKEN FOR A BUM
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19
HOW TO FAIL
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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE
HOW TO FAIL TO NOT GET MISTAKEN FOR A BUM
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21
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HOW TO FAIL
THE SELF-HURT GUIDE
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23
FOOTCHAPTER 2 |
HOW TO GO INSANE AND GARNER VOICES IN YOUR HEAD
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25
HOW TO FAIL
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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE
HOW TO GO INSANE AND GARNER VOICES IN YOUR HEAD
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27
HOW TO FAIL
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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE
HOW TO GO INSANE AND GARNER VOICES IN YOUR HEAD
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29
HOW TO FAIL
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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE
HOW TO GO INSANE AND GARNER VOICES IN YOUR HEAD
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31
HOW TO FAIL
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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE
HOW TO GO INSANE AND GARNER VOICES IN YOUR HEAD
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33
HOW TO FAIL
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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE
HOW TO GO INSANE AND GARNER VOICES IN YOUR HEAD
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35
HOW TO FAIL
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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE
HOW TO GO INSANE AND GARNER VOICES IN YOUR HEAD
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37
HOW TO FAIL
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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE
HOW TO GO INSANE AND GARNER VOICES IN YOUR HEAD
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39
HOW TO FAIL
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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE
HOW TO GO INSANE AND GARNER VOICES IN YOUR HEAD
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41
3 | HOW TO FAIL
TO MAKE YOUR PARENTS PROUD OF YOU
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43
HOW TO FAIL
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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE
HOW TO FAIL TO MAKE YOUR PARENTS PROUD OF YOU
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45
HOW TO FAIL
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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE
HOW TO FAIL TO MAKE YOUR PARENTS PROUD OF YOU
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47
HOW TO FAIL
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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE
HOW TO FAIL TO MAKE YOUR PARENTS PROUD OF YOU
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49
HOW TO FAIL
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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE
HOW TO FAIL TO MAKE YOUR PARENTS PROUD OF YOU
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51
HOW TO FAIL
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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE
HOW TO FAIL TO MAKE YOUR PARENTS PROUD OF YOU
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53
HOW TO FAIL
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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE
HOW TO FAIL TO MAKE YOUR PARENTS PROUD OF YOU
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55
HOW TO FAIL
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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE
HOW TO FAIL TO MAKE YOUR PARENTS PROUD OF YOU
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57
HOW TO FAIL
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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE
HOW TO FAIL TO MAKE YOUR PARENTS PROUD OF YOU
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59
HOW TO FAIL
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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE
HOW TO FAIL TO MAKE YOUR PARENTS PROUD OF YOU
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61
HOW TO FAIL
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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE
HOW TO FAIL TO MAKE YOUR PARENTS PROUD OF YOU
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63
HOW TO FAIL
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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE
HOW TO FAIL TO MAKE YOUR PARENTS PROUD OF YOU
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65
FOOTCHAPTER 3 |
HOW TO FAIL TO WRITE COMMERCIAL MATERIAL
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67
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HOW TO FAIL
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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE
HOW TO FAIL
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TO WRITE COMMERCIAL MATERIAL
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69
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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE
HOW TO FAIL TO WRITE COMMERCIAL MATERIAL
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71
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HOW TO FAIL
THE SELF-HURT GUIDE
4 | HOW TO FAIL
TO DO SOMETHING PRODUCTIVE ALL DAY
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73
HOW TO FAIL
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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE
HOW TO FAIL TO DO SOMETHING PRODUCTIVE ALL DAY
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75
HOW TO FAIL
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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE
HOW TO FAIL TO DO SOMETHING PRODUCTIVE ALL DAY
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77
HOW TO FAIL
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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE
HOW TO FAIL TO DO SOMETHING PRODUCTIVE ALL DAY
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79
HOW TO FAIL
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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE
HOW TO FAIL TO DO SOMETHING PRODUCTIVE ALL DAY
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81
HOW TO FAIL
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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE
HOW TO FAIL TO DO SOMETHING PRODUCTIVE ALL DAY
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83
HOW TO FAIL
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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE
HOW TO FAIL TO DO SOMETHING PRODUCTIVE ALL DAY
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85
HOW TO FAIL
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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE
HOW TO FAIL TO DO SOMETHING PRODUCTIVE ALL DAY
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87
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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE
HOW TO FAIL TO DO SOMETHING PRODUCTIVE ALL DAY
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89
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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE
HOW TO FAIL TO DO SOMETHING PRODUCTIVE ALL DAY
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91
FOOTCHAPTER 4A |
HOW TO GET AN ADDICTION
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HOW TO FAIL
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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE
HOW TO GET AN ADDICTION
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95
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97
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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE
HOW TO MASTURBATE AT WORK
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99
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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE
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101
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HOW TO FAIL
THE SELF-HURT GUIDE
5 | HOW TO FAIL
TO LIVE IN A HEALTHY ENVIRONMENT
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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE
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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE
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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE
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TO LIVE IN A HEALTHY ENVIRONMENT
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109
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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE
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111
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HOW TO LOCATE AND FIND YOURSELF PAYING RENT TO A SLUMLORD
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113
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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE
HOW TO LOCATE
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AND FIND YOURSELF PAYING RENT TO A SLUMLORD
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115
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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE
HOW TO LOCATE
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AND FIND YOURSELF PAYING RENT TO A SLUMLORD
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117
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HOW TO FAIL
THE SELF-HURT GUIDE
FOOTCHAPTER 5B |
HOW TO HAVE FUCKED UP NEIGHBORS
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119
HOW TO FAIL
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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE
HOW TO HAVE FUCKED UP NEIGHBORS
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121
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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE
6 | HOW TO FAIL IN LOVE
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123
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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE
HOW TO FAIL IN LOVE
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125
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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE
HOW TO FAIL IN LOVE
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127
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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE
HOW TO FAIL IN LOVE
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129
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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE
HOW TO FAIL IN LOVE
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131
HOW TO FAIL
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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE
HOW TO FAIL IN LOVE
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133
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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE
HOW TO FAIL IN LOVE
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135
HOW TO FAIL
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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE
HOW TO FAIL IN LOVE
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137
HOW TO FAIL
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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE
HOW TO FAIL IN LOVE
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139
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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE
HOW TO FAIL IN LOVE
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141
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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE
HOW TO FAIL IN LOVE
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143
HOW TO FAIL
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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE
HOW TO FAIL IN LOVE
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145
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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE
HOW TO FAIL IN LOVE
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147
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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE
HOW TO FAIL IN LOVE
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149
HOW TO FAIL
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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE
HOW TO FAIL IN LOVE
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HOW TO FAIL
THE SELF-HURT GUIDE
FOOTCHAPTER 6A |
HOW TO GET USURPED BY YOUR GIRLFRIEND’S EX
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153
HOW TO FAIL
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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE
HOW TO GET USURPED BY YOUR GIRLFRIEND’S EX
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155
FOOTCHAPTER 6B |
HOW TO HAVE A SORDID PAST
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157
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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE
HOW TO HAVE A SORDID PAST
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159
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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE
HOW TO HAVE A SORDID PAST
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161
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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE
HOW TO HAVE A SORDID PAST
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163
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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE
HOW TO HAVE A SORDID PAST
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165
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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE
HOW TO HAVE A SORDID PAST
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167
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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE
HOW TO HAVE A SORDID PAST
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169
HOW TO FAIL
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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE
HOW TO HAVE A SORDID PAST
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171
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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE
7 | HOW TO FAIL
ALL THE WAY TO ROCK BOTTOM
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173
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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE
HOW TO FAIL ALL THE WAY TO ROCK BOTTOM
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175
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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE
HOW TO FAIL ALL THE WAY TO ROCK BOTTOM
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177
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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE
HOW TO FAIL ALL THE WAY TO ROCK BOTTOM
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179
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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE
HOW TO FAIL ALL THE WAY TO ROCK BOTTOM
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181
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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE
HOW TO FAIL ALL THE WAY TO ROCK BOTTOM
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183
HOW TO FAIL
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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE
HOW TO FAIL ALL THE WAY TO ROCK BOTTOM
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185
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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE
HOW TO FAIL ALL THE WAY TO ROCK BOTTOM
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187
HOW TO FAIL
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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE
HOW TO FAIL ALL THE WAY TO ROCK BOTTOM
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189
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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE
HOW TO FAIL ALL THE WAY TO ROCK BOTTOM
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191
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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE
HOW TO FAIL ALL THE WAY TO ROCK BOTTOM
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193
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HOW TO FAIL
THE SELF-HURT GUIDE
PART TWO | UWS
8 | HOW TO LIVE ON A COUCH
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197
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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE
HOW TO LIVE ON A COUCH
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199
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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE
HOW TO LIVE ON A COUCH
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201
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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE
HOW TO LIVE ON A COUCH
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203
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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE
HOW TO LIVE ON A COUCH
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205
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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE
HOW TO LIVE ON A COUCH
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207
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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE
HOW TO LIVE ON A COUCH
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209
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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE
FOOTCHAPTER 8 |
HOW TO AVOID YOUR EX IN A SMALL TOWN
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211
HOW TO FAIL
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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE
HOW TO AVOID YOUR EX IN A SMALL TOWN
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213
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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE
HOW TO AVOID YOUR EX IN A SMALL TOWN
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HOW TO FAIL
THE SELF-HURT GUIDE
9 | HOW TO FAIL
TO EXTEND YOUR FAMILY TREE
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217
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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE
HOW TO FAIL TO EXTEND YOUR FAMILY TREE
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219
HOW TO FAIL
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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE
HOW TO FAIL TO EXTEND YOUR FAMILY TREE
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221
HOW TO FAIL
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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE
HOW TO FAIL TO EXTEND YOUR FAMILY TREE
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223
HOW TO FAIL
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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE
HOW TO FAIL TO EXTEND YOUR FAMILY TREE
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225
HOW TO FAIL
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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE
HOW TO FAIL TO EXTEND YOUR FAMILY TREE
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227
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HOW TO FAIL IN BED
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229
HOW TO FAIL
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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE
HOW TO FAIL IN BED
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231
HOW TO FAIL
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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE
HOW TO FAIL IN BED
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233
HOW TO FAIL
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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE
HOW TO FAIL IN BED
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235
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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE
HOW TO FAIL IN BED
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239
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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE
HOW TO GET LAID ON A COUCH
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241
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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE
HOW TO GET LAID ON A COUCH
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243
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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE
HOW TO GET LAID ON A COUCH
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245
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HOW TO FAIL
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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE
HOW TO GET
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247
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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE
HOW TO GET LAID ON A COUCH
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249
HOW TO FAIL
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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE
HOW TO GET LAID ON A COUCH
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251
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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE
HOW TO GET LAID ON A COUCH
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253
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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE
HOW TO GET LAID ON A COUCH
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255
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HOW TO FAIL
THE SELF-HURT GUIDE
FOOTCHAPTER 10 |
HOW TO ACQUIRE THE STD THAT’S RIGHT FOR YOU
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257
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HOW TO FAIL
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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE
HOW TO ACQUIRE
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THE STD THAT’S RIGHT FOR YOU
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259
11 | HOW TO BE HAUNTED BY DEMONS
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261
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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE
HOW TO BE HAUNTED BY DEMONS
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263
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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE
HOW TO BE HAUNTED BY DEMONS
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265
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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE
HOW TO BE HAUNTED BY DEMONS
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267
HOW TO FAIL
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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE
HOW TO BE HAUNTED BY DEMONS
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269
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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE
HOW TO BE
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HAUNTED BY DEMONS
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271
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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE
HOW TO BE HAUNTED BY DEMONS
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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE
HOW TO BE HAUNTED BY DEMONS
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275
H1IDA3"=D">=1J8">"I>?"O71"5C"@58D4>@@3"?DJ8D4DAF CHD?D"B41I"R/%O"C"!A%]*+%O"C"!"=3"`DC@D3"#F"$>4A5?T INT. HOTEL ROOM - NIGHT Sarah and James kiss.
SARAH I’ve wanted this for so long.
JAMES You don’t know the half of it. Or the full of it for that matter.
Sarah removes James shirt.
SARAH I love your skin. hairless.
So smooth and
JAMES Hairlessness is all the rage now, isn’t it? Heh heh.
HOW TO FAIL
SARAH Other men don’t care about my needs. About getting their gross hair all over me.
THE SELF-HURT GUIDE
HOW TO BE
Oh, I do.
SARAH
HAUNTED BY DEMONS
JAMES
I think I love you for that.
Sarah removes James pants.
JAMES Slow down.
Sarah removes James’s boxer shorts.
JAMES Slow down!
Her eyes bulge.
Where is his bulge?
SARAH Where...where...where is it?
JAMES That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you since our first date.
277
SARAH I loved that date. I’ve never dirty danced so close before. You didn’t even get a boner.
JAMES That’s the thing. “the thing.”
Or rather, I lack
SARAH Huh?
JAMES I’m a eunuch. Sarah looks down at James’s groin then back up to his eyes. She smiles.
SARAH Frankly my dear, I don’t give a shit.
They kiss.
HOW TO FAIL
CUT TO:
THE SELF-HURT GUIDE
HOW TO BE HAUNTED BY DEMONS
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279
HOW TO FAIL
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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE
HOW TO BE HAUNTED BY DEMONS
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281
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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE
HOW TO BE HAUNTED BY DEMONS
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283
HOW TO FAIL
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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE
HOW TO BE HAUNTED BY DEMONS
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285
FOOTCHAPTER 11A |
HOW TO BE AIMLESS AND UNINSPIRED
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287
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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE
HOW TO BE AIMLESS AND UNINSPIRED
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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE
HOW TO BE AIMLESS AND UNINSPIRED
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291
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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE
HOW TO BE AIMLESS AND UNINSPIRED
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293
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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE
FOOTCHAPTER 11B |
HOW TO PISS PEOPLE OFF, ALIENATE YOURSELF, AND END UP ALONE
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295
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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE
HOW TO PISS PEOPLE OFF, ALIENATE YOURSELF, AND END UP ALONE
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297
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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE
HOW TO PISS PEOPLE OFF, ALIENATE YOURSELF, AND END UP ALONE
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299
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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE
HOW TO PISS PEOPLE OFF, ALIENATE YOURSELF, AND END UP ALONE
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HOW TO FAIL
THE SELF-HURT GUIDE
12 | HOW TO HAVE
A NEGATIVE NET AND SELF-WORTH
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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE
HOW TO HAVE
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A NEGATIVE NET AND SELF-WORTH
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305
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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE
HOW TO HAVE A NEGATIVE NET AND SELF-WORTH
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307
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Dear Sir or Madam: After your repeated disobeyance of the stipulations of your credit card agreement with us, we have no recourse but to revoke your membership to [Credit] Card. Please destroy the card for your own safety…
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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE
HOW TO HAVE
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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE
HOW TO HAVE A NEGATIVE NET AND SELF-WORTH
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311
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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE
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313
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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE
HOW TO HAVE A NEGATIVE NET AND SELF-WORTH
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315
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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE
HOW TO HAVE A NEGATIVE NET AND SELF-WORTH
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317
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HOW TO FAIL
THE SELF-HURT GUIDE
FOOTCHAPTER 12 |
HOW TO NETWORK
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319
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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE
HOW TO NETWORK
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321
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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE
HOW TO NETWORK
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323
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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE
HOW TO NETWORK
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325
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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE
HOW TO NETWORK
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327
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HOW TO FAIL
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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE
HOW TO NETWORK
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329
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HOW TO FAIL
THE SELF-HURT GUIDE
13 | HOW TO FAIL TO BE NORMAL
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331
HOW TO FAIL
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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE
HOW TO FAIL TO BE NORMAL
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333
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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE
HOW TO FAIL TO BE NORMAL
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335
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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE
HOW TO FAIL TO BE NORMAL
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337
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HOW TO FAIL
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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE
HOW TO FAIL TO BE NORMAL
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339
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HOW TO FAIL
THE SELF-HURT GUIDE
FOOTCHAPTER 13A |
HOW TO BE A HYPOCHONDRIAC WITHOUT HEALTH CARE
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341
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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE
HOW TO BE A HYPOCHONDRIAC WITHOUT HEALTH CARE
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343
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HOW TO FAIL
THE SELF-HURT GUIDE
FOOTCHAPTER 13B |
HOW TO GROW APART FROM YOUR FRIENDS
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345
HOW TO FAIL
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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE
HOW TO GROW APART FROM YOUR FRIENDS
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347
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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE
HOW TO GROW APART FROM YOUR FRIENDS
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349
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HOW TO FAIL
THE SELF-HURT GUIDE
14 | HOW TO FAIL TO FAIL
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351
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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE
HOW TO FAIL TO FAIL
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353
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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE
HOW TO FAIL TO FAIL
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355
HOW TO FAIL
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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE
HOW TO FAIL TO FAIL
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357
HOW TO FAIL
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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE
HOW TO FAIL TO FAIL
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359
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HOW TO FAIL
THE SELF-HURT GUIDE
EPILOGUE | HOW TO WRITE
A SUCCESSFUL BOOK AND BECOME RICH
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361
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ABOUT THE AUTHOR AARON GOLDFARB
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HOW TO FAIL: THE SELF-HURT GUIDE !"#$%&'"()"**+,-".,/01*+2
!Attention mom, The Pope, rabbis, priests, and future would-be employers everywhere: nasty word warning! How to Fail is lurid and HILARIOUS." - THE HEDONIST JIVE
!How To Fail is at once a foray into the depths of spiritual bankruptcy and the foremost authority on boner genres." - TIM CALPIN, screenwriter, Assassination of a High School President
!Ladies, whether you're daddy's little princess, or daddy's little demon, this is the book for you." - KELLY DOOLEY, Founder, BodyRock Sport Q3435"777E!!8$#D$'9>!8(EH$F">$8"F$8&" 3#>$8F!53$#"$#"5634"!#9"J8,$K8,'%$68,,%E !""#$%&'()*$+,$ -."/"0).1,$20/1,$3&'()*'4
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HOW TO FAIL
–The Philadelphia Lawyer, Happy Hour is for Amateurs
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