Have a Little Faith

Have a Little Faith By Cassidy Ryan It was Happy Hour, three days before Christmas, and The Studio was bursting at the seams. Kieran Russell eased his way through the crush, dodged a waitress carrying a tray full of glasses, and managed to evade the attentions of a well-oiled and extremely affectionate six foot five wall of muscle wearing angel wings and a Santa hat. Spotting a familiar blond head at the far end of the bar, he headed in that direction, bumping people with his elbows, stepping on toes, having his toes stepped on, until he finally reached his destination. When he saw Kieran, Jeremy Stevens hopped down from his bar stool and wrapped Kieran in a hug. “Hi, Sweetness. I was starting to think you had stood me up.” “I’m starting to wish I had.” Kieran returned the hug, then turned to try to get the attention of the barman closest. “This place is like a train station at rush hour tonight.” He planted himself on Jem’s stool, still trying to catch the barman’s eye. “Ooh, aren’t we Little Miss Sunshine tonight? Here, let me do that.” Jem stepped forward, held up a hand and waggled his fingers. “Sam, when you’ve got a moment, hon.” The barman smiled, nodded and immediately headed in their direction. Kieran could only shake his head in wonder. He watched as Jem leaned on the bar, smiling widely, big green eyes twinkling. “I’ll have another of these, hon.” Jem held up a half-full glass of some sort of green liquid. “And my friend here will have a beer…” “Scotch,” Kieran interrupted. “Glenmorangie. With ice. Please.” Jem looked at him, eyebrow raised in question. “Somebody had a bad day.” He turned back to Sam. “Better make that a double, Sam.” Sam nodded, left to get their drinks. Jem propped himself up against the bar beside Kieran. “Come on; tell Aunty Jem all about it.” Kieran shrugged. “Just work stuff. Y’know.” But he found it difficult to meet Jem’s eyes. Jem was silent, but Kieran could feel him watching, waiting.

Sam returned with their drinks. With a brief nod of thanks, Kieran took the glass and threw back half the scotch, grimaced as it burned its way down. “Shit, you didn’t get fired, did you?” Jem asked, real concern in his voice. Kieran finally looked at his friend and sighed. Jem’s eyes were wide and guileless, the worry in them genuine. “No, they didn’t fire me. It’s just… you know, stuff. Not the best of days.” “When I called you a couple of hours ago to ask you to meet me here, you sounded fine. What happened between then and now to change that?” Jem twisted a longstemmed glass between slender fingers, but made no move to drink from it. Jem was still watching him intently, and Kieran knew that he wasn’t going to get away with anything less than a full explanation. Had he really thought otherwise? They'd been best friends since college, and Kieran had never had a problem or a secret that Jem was unable to get out of him sooner or later. As tired as he was, Kieran decided it would be less bother to just come clean right away. He threw back the other half of the scotch. “It’s, well, you know that the staff party is tomorrow night, right? Well, I found out today that Gavin Struan is going to be there.” Just saying the man’s name brought a touch of heat to Kieran’s skin. He could have blamed the scotch, but knew that it would have been a lie. Jem leaned forward, green eyes alight with interest. “Oh, really? And this is bad news?” Kieran’s eyes narrowed. “You know it is, Jem. It’s not like we haven’t been over this before.” “Ah, yes, how could I forget?” Jem asked, a teasing lilt in his tone. “Little Kieran has a big ole crush on the boss’ son, but the boss’ son is a wicked fornicator and therefore must be resisted.” Kieran grinned in spite of himself, and took the glass from Jem’s hand. “You’re a prick -- you know that, right?” He took a sip of the sweet green liquid and made a face before handing it back. Jem shrugged. “Yeah, but I’m a prick who’s not going home alone.” He cast a glance in Sam’s direction and waggled his eyebrows playfully. Kieran could only laugh and shake his head. “You should try it some time,” Jem added.

Kieran didn’t want to say anything that would sound like he was passing judgment on his friend, but he was done with one night stands and casual flings. He wanted something more lasting, something more substantial. Just something more. But as usual, his thoughts were not his own with Jem around. “I know, I know, you’re looking for Mr. Right.” There was no mocking or criticism in Jem’s tone. “Would it be so awful to have some fun while you wait?” He cocked an eyebrow and sipped from his drink. Kieran shrugged. “It’s just not me anymore, Jem.” Jem put his glass on the bar, took Kieran’s face between his hands and looked at him with fond indulgence. “It’s Christmas, hon. Unlock your chastity belt and put your cock to some use other than pissing. Before this self-imposed abstinence addles your brain completely -- people have been known to go insane through lack of nookie.” Kieran laughed and caught his friend up in a tight hug. Jem hugged back. “I’d give you a tumble myself, but it would be like fucking my brother, and that’s just… ewww.” Kieran stayed for another couple of drinks before calling a cab to take him home. His last sight before closing the door was of Jem leaning on the bar, flirting shamelessly with Sam, and Sam laughing, clearly delighted with the attention. *** Kieran muttered a string of curses as he tramped through the snow from the back of the parking lot to the staff entrance of Struan’s Department Store. He tossed a spiteful glance in the direction of the black Beamer sitting quite happily in his covered parking space, just a few feet from the door. Inside he shook himself like a dog, sending droplets of water flying around the entryway, then took the elevator to the fourth floor, grumbling all the way. He frowned when he reached a door with a sign reading Kieran Russell, Head of Visual Merchandising, and saw that it was sitting ajar. He was certain that he had not left it like that when he had left the evening before. He pushed the door open fully and stood in the doorway like a statue as his breath caught in his throat. Gavin Struan was seated in the chair behind Kieran’s desk, long legs stretched out and feet resting on the edge of the ever-cluttered desk. He was slouched elegantly, blue eyes scanning the sketches he held in his hands. Sensing another presence, Gavin looked up and a smile lit up his handsome face.

Kieran felt heat flood his cheeks, and annoyance at his reaction to the man made him want to growl. Inside his office, he dumped his bag on the floor and shed his coat. He turned back to Gavin and raised an eyebrow. Gavin’s smile just widened. He dropped his feet to the floor and got up. “Just keeping it warm for you.” He gestured grandly toward the chair with just the tiniest of bows. He shook his head as he rounded the desk and sat, hating the way his body instantly absorbed the body heat retained by the rich leather. Gavin leaned back against the work-bench that ran the length of the wall to the right of the desk. He was still holding the sketches, but was now looking intently at Kieran. “Is there something I can do for you?” Kieran asked, only to cringe when a wicked gleam entered Gavin’s eye. But instead of making the obvious reply, Gavin answered. “I just thought I would drop by and say hello.” Blue eyes danced playfully. “Hello.” Kieran felt a smile tug at the corner of his mouth, but bit it back. Gavin Struan really didn't need any encouragement. “And you thought the best way to do that was to steal my parking space -- I assume the Beamer is yours?” Gavin nodded. “Of course it is,” Kieran added. “And then you break into my office.” Gavin looked completely unapologetic. “Just my little way of getting your attention.” “My attention? Well, it’s certainly more original than flowers, I suppose.” The little smile fought valiantly to be set free. “Is that what it would take to get you to notice me? Flowers?” Gavin leaned forward slightly, and Kieran automatically leaned farther back in his chair. “I’m not blind, Gavin. I’ve noticed you,” Kieran admitted. “Then why won’t you go out with me? How many times have I asked you in the last two years?” Gavin moved away from the workbench and leaned one narrow hip against the desk. Kieran refused to back away. “You know why. I have no wish to become another notch on your well-worn bedpost. I have a little too much self respect to become your latest conquest.” He was pleased that his voice was calm and even, in spite of the fact that he could feel the heat radiating from Gavin’s body, smell the subtle scent of his cologne. Gavin laid a hand over his heart and hung his head theatrically. “You wound me.” A snort of laughter escaped. “Yes, I’m sure.”

Gavin looked at him from under long, dark lashes. “What if I told you I’d still respect you in the morning?” Kieran swallowed, mouth suddenly quite dry. “I -- I think that I would be too stunned by the fact that you were still there in the morning to notice whether or not you respected me.” Gavin sighed mightily. “Ah, Kieran, you really don’t think very highly of me, do you?” Either Gavin was a very good actor, or he was genuinely hurt at the thought. It threw Kieran for a second. Was it possible… no, no, no. He was not going to be fooled so easily. Kieran got out of his chair and walked to the opposite side of the desk. He dug his hands into the pockets of his pants and looked at Gavin. “On the contrary, professionally, I have quite a bit of respect for you.” He saw Gavin’s eyes widen in surprise. “You do?” Gavin sounded doubtful. Kieran nodded. “You could have walked right into a top job here at the store, but you didn’t. You went out and made a name for yourself as a Management Consultant. I find that very admirable.” There was only sincerity in Kieran’s voice. Gavin smiled. It was open and honest, and took Kieran’s breath away. The smile faltered some. “But you’re not interested, right?” Kieran bit his lip. It was on the tip of his tongue to tell Gavin that, no, he wasn’t interested, but the lie refused to be spoken. “Like I said, I’m not blind. We both know I’m interested.” Smiling again, Gavin opened his mouth to speak. “But… “ Kieran held his hand out in front of him, as if to hold Gavin at bay. “I'm not stupid. I’m just a novelty to you, Gavin. I’m probably the first person to say no to you since puberty hit. I’m a challenge, and if I slept with you, I have no doubt the challenge would vanish. I am equally sure that you would vanish soon after.” He expected Gavin to argue, but instead, Gavin just kept smiling as he put down the sketches and backed toward the door. “I’ll just leave you to your work. You’ll be at the party tonight?” Kieran nodded, frowning in confusion. “I’ll see you there, then.” With that Gavin was gone, and Kieran was left to wonder what the hell? ***

One of the finest restaurants in the city was located on the top floor of Struan’s Department Store. On the night before Christmas Eve it had been reserved for the annual staff shindig. A traditional turkey dinner was served at tables grouped around a small dance floor, while on a stage flanked by two twelve-foot Christmas trees, a band played soft background music. Each table was candlelit, the flicker catching and shimmering on the crystal snowflakes hanging from the ceiling. As usual, dinner was a pleasant affair. Kieran was seated at a table with his design team, and as he looked at their happy faces, listened to laughter and chatter, he thought that no one in the restaurant that night deserved to let loose as much as his team. For over a month they had worked their socks off getting the store ready for the holidays, coming in early and leaving late, never complaining that they saw more of each other than they did of their families. After dinner the band picked up the tempo and the dancing started. Kieran relaxed back in his chair and watched his friends and colleagues kick up their heels, apparently not caring that the next day would likely be their busiest day of the year. He hoped that the pharmacy was well stocked up on hangover cures. As the music washed over him and the champagne started to absorb into his bloodstream, Kieran allowed his gaze to wander around the restaurant. For a split second, he told himself that he was admiring the Christmas decorations, watching his friends have fun, but he quickly acknowledged the truth. He was hoping to see one particular face, one pair of laughing blue eyes. Disappointment settled around him when he didn’t see the face he was searching for. He knew that he should have been glad, that the more distance he could keep between himself and Gavin, the better, but that didn’t stop the little boy in him whining ‘but he said he’d be here’. He pushed away from the table and wandered over to the floor-to-ceiling glass doors that opened onto a large roof terrace. The snow was falling steadily, creating a soft white blanket over the terrace, glowing under the city lights. He placed a hand on the cool glass and felt a sigh rise in his chest. Kieran was saved from his slide into melancholia, however, by the sudden cessation of the music and the chink of a glass being tapped. He turned in the direction of the stage, where Richard and Carolyn Struan were smiling out over their gathered employees. Kieran crossed his arms and leaned back against the door. He watched as Richard accepted the microphone from the singer with a warm smile.

“Ladies and Gentlemen… friends. I promise we won’t take up too much of your valuable drinking time.” A cheer went up around the room and Richard laughed. It was easy to see where Gavin had gotten his good looks. “We just wanted to thank you so much for all the hard work you've put in, not only in the lead-up to the holidays, but throughout the year. Your contribution to the running of Struan’s has, once again, been tremendously important and is deeply appreciated. It is because of the dedication you have displayed that Struan’s remains a beacon of oldfashioned grace and service.” Kieran smiled and applauded along with his friends. They all knew that these were no empty words from Richard. In a world of multi-national corporations and cookie-cutter franchises, Struan’s Department Store truly was something a little different. Still owned and run by the family who had founded it nearly sixty years before, it had a casual elegance and an emphasis on customer service that had become increasingly difficult to find. “I also wanted to make an announcement,” Richard continued when the applause had died down. He looked at his wife, standing close beside him, and smiled. “Carolyn and I have decided that we will be retiring from the day to day running of the store.” A gasp of shock sounded around the restaurant. Richard held up his hand. “It has been my very sincere pleasure to work with you over the years, but Carolyn and I have decided that, while we are still young enough not to need walkers…” He laughed when Carolyn elbowed him in the ribs. “We're going to take early retirement and spend some more time together. And now, it gives me the greatest pleasure to tell you that our son, Gavin, will be returning home for good, and will be taking up the reins as General Manager.” Richard and Carolyn positively beamed. Richard held out his arm and gestured to the side of the stage. Kieran watched in shocked disbelief as Gavin stepped up onto the stage to a round of raucous applause. Gavin shook his father’s hand, hugged his mother, and turned to face his new employees, smiling widely. His gaze moved over the crowd then seemed to zero in on Kieran. Their eyes locked. Gavin nodded his head, almost imperceptibly. Kieran felt the blood drain from his face, gulped loudly, and thought ‘I am so screwed’. *** The need to escape seized him. When the Struans descended from the stage and were swallowed up by the crowd, Kieran took the opportunity to slip from the room out onto the terrace. Heedless of the chill winter wind and the heavily falling snow, he walked to the waisthigh wall at the edge of the terrace, and looked out over the city.

A frown drew his eyebrows together. Two years he had been fighting his attraction to Gavin. Two years of trying to resist the strongest physical pull he'd ever experienced. It had been bad enough when Gavin was an infrequent visitor, when his job had taken him away for long periods of time. How was Kieran supposed to maintain that resistance if he had to see Gavin every day? “You’ll catch your death out here.” Kieran jumped, turned wide-eyed to find Gavin standing a couple of feet behind him, hands in the pockets of his pants, snow settling on his dark hair. His stomach tightened in instant reaction. Unable to maintain eye contact, Kieran looked over Gavin’s shoulder. Through the glass doors he could hear soft music playing, and in the middle of the dance floor he saw, Richard and Carolyn, arms wrapped around each other, eyes locked, lost in their own world, like a couple of newlyweds having their first dance. “How can you do it?” Kieran asked quietly. “How can you be raised by parents who are so clearly deeply in love and committed – how can you be surrounded by that kind of love and treat the emotion as casually as you do?” He looked at Gavin, finally voicing the confusion that had been with him since their first meeting two years before. Gavin turned and followed the direction of Kieran’s gaze. He watched his parents for a long moment, and when he turned back to Kieran, he was smiling. He moved so that they were standing side by side, shoulder to shoulder, both watching the scene beyond the glass doors. “Look at them, Kieran,” Gavin instructed softly. “From the minute I was old enough to know what it meant, I knew what it was to be loved. I knew what real love and commitment were. I knew that it was possible to connect with another human being on a soul deep level.” “And yet…” “Yes, I’ve had a few lovers. Maybe more than could be considered my ‘fair share’, although nowhere near as many as people would have you believe,” Gavin continued as if Kieran had not spoken. “But, at the risk of sounding like a walking cliché, none of them were right, the one, if you like.” He looked at Kieran. “How could I settle for anything less than that?” he asked, pointing in the direction of his parents. “So, you’ve really just been looking for Mr. Right?” Kieran asked, surprised at Gavin’s words, but still doubtful. “Is that so difficult to believe?” Kieran looked at Gavin and saw no lie there. “No, no, I suppose not.” “You still won’t give me a chance.” It was more of a statement than a question.

He had to look away. It would be so easy to give in, to take whatever Gavin was offering and hang the consequences. “Will you at least grant me a dance?” Kieran’s head snapped up, sure that he was being teased, but Gavin’s smile was soft and sincere. He felt drawn to that smile, as if he was being physically pulled closer. With no real thought, Kieran found himself nodding. Gavin moved closer, rested his hands lightly on Kieran’s hips. Kieran slowly raised his hands until they were touching Gavin’s chest, acutely aware of the hard muscle under the fine linen of his shirt. They swayed to the music drifting out from the restaurant, barely moving. The wind was still blowing, the snow still falling, but Kieran felt unnaturally warm. Gavin’s hands moved slowly on Kieran’s hips, thumbs stroking in hypnotic circles. He leaned in until their heads were touching at the temple. His eyes drifted closed and he inhaled Gavin’s scent; clean and fresh with just a hint of musk. His fingers dug into Gavin’s chest, and he moved his head so that their temples rubbed together. Gavin’s hair brushed against Kieran’s cheek and his arm wound around Kieran’s waist, hand pressing at the small of his back, bringing them closer together. Gavin brought his other hand up to rest on Kieran’s neck, fingers cool and lightly calloused. “Give me a chance, Kieran,” he whispered, his hand massaging Kieran’s neck. Kieran sighed with pleasure and leaned into the caress. His head was starting to feel fuzzy, and he knew that it was nothing to do with the champagne. He turned his head so that he could nuzzle into Gavin’s hair. “I want to,” he admitted in a husky voice. “But?” Gavin’s hand dipped under the collar of Kieran’s shirt, fingers trailing goose bumps over his skin. “But…” Kieran swallowed past the lump in his throat. “But I… I can’t. I can’t think…” It took every ounce of strength he possessed to pull out of the embrace. He was breathing heavily as he looked at Gavin. Gavin’s face was unreadable. “I can’t think like this.” Kieran waved a hand between them, then raised it to drag through his hair. He took another step back. “I need to think. I… I really need to think.” There was just a hint of panic in his voice. When Gavin lifted a hand, he jumped, but Gavin just smiled, touched cool fingers to Kieran’s cheek and nodded. Kieran watched as Gavin headed back inside. He shook his head in an attempt to clear it.

“Give me a chance, Kieran.” Gavin’s words echoed in his head. He rubbed a hand over his face and sighed. He wanted to. Lord knew he wanted to. *** Kieran wasn’t sure if he was glad or disappointed when the following day passed without sight of Gavin. He cut out early and headed over to his parents’ house to join the family for dinner. His grandmother was throwing back mojitos like it was her last day on earth, and challenging his two nephews to a contest with a can of whipped cream to see who could get the most in their mouth. His grandmother won. Dad spent a chunk of the evening fighting with a Christmas tree that was at least a foot too tall to fit in the living room. His brother and sister-in-law, who were staying the night with the kids, were sneaking in and out to fetch the boys’ presents without being seen. Mum had cordoned off the kitchen and was cooking up enough food to feed the neighborhood for a month. Halfway through dinner his grandmother pulled out a can of pepper spray and had to be stopped from using it to ‘perk up the turkey’. Jem called on his cell phone when they were eating dessert. Clearly inebriated, his best friend told Kieran that he was eloping to Canada with Sam, and to ask if he could put Kieran down for a waffle iron for the wedding present. Kieran just laughed and asked Jem to save the bouquet for him. His mother was not pleased when Kieran decided to leave, rather than sit and watch his father and grandmother wrestling over the Taser she had bought online to protect herself from madmen. Kieran promised to return early the next day to have brunch with them. He took a taxi back to his apartment, moving slowly through the drifting snow. The sounds of a party and an off-key and decidedly bawdy rendition of Jingle Bells made him smile as he climbed the stairs, fishing in his pocket for his key. When he turned the corner to his hallway his heart just about stopped beating. Sitting cross-legged outside his door, Gavin rested his head against the wall, eyes closed. How long had he been there? Gavin must have heard Kieran’s arrival because he opened his eyes and turned his head so that they were looking right at each other. Gavin got slowly to his feet and dusted off the seat of his pants. He opened his mouth, but no words came. Instead, he just shrugged a little sheepishly.

Kieran’s legs started moving without permission from his brain. He strode along the hallway, gathering speed and determination with every step, until he stood directly in front of Gavin. After a heart beat of a pause, Kieran raised his hands to cup Gavin’s face, and leaned in to bring their mouths together. There was nothing tentative about the kiss. Kieran’s lips parted and his tongue pressed at Gavin’s mouth. When it opened, Kieran dived in. He pushed Gavin back against the wall, ground their bodies together and plundered Gavin’s mouth. Gavin’s hands came around Kieran to rest on his ass, fingers digging in as he surrendered completely to the sensual assault. He moaned low in his throat, fingers spearing into Gavin’s hair, the force of the kiss almost painful. When Kieran pulled back they were both breathing heavily, bodies hard with urgent need, pupils dilated with desire. Kieran trailed his tongue along Gavin’s lower lip and heard Gavin’s breath catch. Kieran bent to retrieve the keys that had fallen unnoticed, and on the way back up he ran his hands lightly over Gavin’s thigh, up and over the bulge of his cock. Gavin gasped. “Kieran.” It sounded like a plea. Kieran opened the door and went inside, confident that Gavin would follow. When he heard the snick of the door closing, a shiver ran through his body. He felt rather than heard Gavin come up behind him. Arms wound around his waist, and Gavin placed a hand over Kieran’s groin while he nuzzled at his neck. He raised a hand and tangled his fingers in Gavin’s hair, pulling him ever closer. He felt Gavin suck at his neck, and groaned as pleasure shot through his body to settle hot and heavy between his legs. “Bedroom.” Kieran didn’t recognize his own voice. Gavin ran his tongue over the spot he had been sucking. “Lead the way.” With great reluctance Kieran pulled away. He took Gavin’s hand and led him to his bedroom. *** It was still the middle of the night, but with the curtains open and the street lights reflecting on the snow, the room was light enough for Kieran to lean up on one elbow and watch the man sleeping beside him. Gavin’s hair was endearingly mussed, his face flushed with sleep, eyelashes resting like dark crescents on the tops of his cheeks. Kieran lifted a hand and trailed his index finger slowly and gently from Gavin’s temple to the corner of his mouth. He smiled when Gavin’s mouth twitched up reflexively.

Every time he moved Kieran could feel the delicious ache in muscles that had been out of action for too long. Their loving had been long and intense, had left them both too exhausted to do anything but curl up together and fall asleep. He relaxed back onto the pillow, but continued to watch Gavin, a sense of deep contentment settling over him. Gavin’s eyes flickered and opened. For a second he looked a little disoriented, then a smile curved up his mouth, and he lifted a hand to touch Kieran’s cheek. “Merry Christmas.” Gavin’s voice was thick with sleep and his eyes sparkled. Kieran leaned in and brought their lips together in the softest of kisses. “Merry Christmas.” They lay together, face to face, huddled under the thick comforter, hands moving lazily over each others bodies. Gavin smiled, opened his mouth. “Kieran, I…” But Kieran simply put a hand over his lover’s lips and shook his head. “No, no promises, no declarations. Let’s just go with it, see what happens, huh?” Gavin stroked his hand along the length of Kieran’s torso and nodded. He rolled until he was lying on top of Kieran. “I have a good feeling about this.” He grinned, slipped a hand between their bodies and wrapped it around Gavin’s hardening cock. “I have a very good feeling about this.” Gasping, Gavin pushed his hips forward. “Oh, yeah.” Kieran parted his legs so that Gavin could settle between them. He brought their cocks together, wrapped his hand around them, and started pulling them off together. Gavin rested most of his weight on his elbows, but his head fell forward and his eyes drooped as they moved their hips together, small moans of pleasure spilling from his lips. Kieran wrapped his legs around Gavin’s hips and pulled him close, creating more friction between them. His free hand reached back to grip the pillow under his head, and he bit his lip as wave after wave of pleasure washed over him. In unison they gasped, muscles contracting, breathing ceased and wet heat spreading between their bodies. Gavin collapsed on top of Kieran, and Kieran wrapped him up in his arms and legs. Gavin nuzzled into Kieran’s neck as he dragged air into his lungs. Kieran stroked a hand over Gavin’s perspiration-moist back and waited for his heart beat to return to normal.

Finally, Gavin raised his head to look at Kieran. “This is going to be so good.” His voice was hoarse and intense. Kieran felt a sting at the backs of his eyes. No promises, no guarantees. It was terrifying and wonderful at the same time. He pushed damp hair back from Gavin’s forehead. “I think you might be right.” End

Have a Little Faith Copyright © 2007 by Cassidy Ryan All rights reserved. No part of this eBook may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission except in case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles or reviews. For information address Torquere Press, Inc., PO Box 2545, Round Rock, TX 78680 Printed in the United States of America. Torquere Press, Inc.: Sips electronic edition / December 2007 Torquere Press eBooks are published by Torquere Press, Inc., PO Box 2545, Round Rock, TX 78680