From Behind That Locked Door

PISCES: FROM BEHIND THAT LOCKED DOOR

by PEPPER ESPINOZA

Amber Quill Press, LLC http://www.amberquill.com

Pisces: From Behind That Locked Door An Amber Quill Press Book This book is a work of fiction. All names, characters, locations, and incidents are products of the author's imagination, or have been used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual persons living or dead, locales, or events is entirely coincidental. Amber Quill Press, LLC http://www.AmberQuill.com http://www.AmberHeat.com http://www.AmberAllure.com All rights reserved. No portion of this book may be transmitted or reproduced in any form, or by any means, without permission in writing from the publisher, with the exception of brief excerpts used for the purposes of review. Copyright © 2010 by Pepper Espinoza ISBN 978-1-61124-071-9 Cover Art © 2010 Trace Edward Zaber Published in the United States of America

Also by Pepper Espinoza ...And To Hold Bus Stop A Busted Afternoon The Devil Went Down To Georgia Elected A Farewell To Angels Forward Progress Four O'Clock Fumble Recovery (Just Like) Starting Over The Major And The Minor Making Waves Maybe I'm Amazed My Only Home The Obsolete Man Peanut Butter Kisses The Prince Who Never Smiled Quarterback Sneak The Streets Of Florence Surrender's Edge To Bend You And Me And The Moon Boys Of The Zodiac Gemini: The Wicked Things Virgo: The Warrior Prince Sagittarius: Mr. November

Pisces: Gentle, affectionate and otherworldly. A Pisces might exist in an emotional rather than intellectual world, but he still wants a very real physical connection.

Chapter 1

It never would have occurred to Jay to take advantage of the athletic facilities on campus in order to exercise or work out. That was something athletes did. The people who used the pool, the weight rooms, the track et cetera were serious about being fit and invested in their health. Jay was just grateful that he was finished with physical education after high school, feeling a rush of relief every time he registered for classes and didn't register for math or PE. If asked, he probably would have claimed that only athletes were allowed to use the facilities, and that a regular student like him wouldn't even be welcome. It came as a great shock to him when he learned Stephen visited the facilities five times a week, and further, that it was free to all students including graduate students like Jay. His other assumptions weren't far off the mark. He showed the nice girl at the front desk his student ID card, signed in to get a key for the locker room, and tried to act like he belonged there. Nobody stared openly, but Jay still felt as though they might start doing so at any second. He locked himself in one of the toilet stalls to change into his sweats and T-shirt, awkwardly maneuvering in the tiny square of space, banging his elbows against the walls twice. By the time he emerged, he felt flushed and oafish and he just wanted to go home. It was all he could do to keep his gaze averted from the fine specimens surrounding him--football players and basketball players and swimmers with their toned, perfect bodies that Jay yearned for. Every damned one of them was so beautiful, like Roman sculptures brought to life. When he emerged from the locker room, he realized the major flaw in his plan. Stephen was somewhere in the complex, but he had no idea where to start looking. He didn't want to look like he was searching for somebody, even though he was only

there for one reason. Fortunately, the stationary bikes were near the locker room entrance, and he reasoned if he stayed there, he was bound to see Stephen sooner or later. Not that he was eager to perch his nearly three hundred pounds on a narrow bicycle seat for the next hour. But he knew from the beginning this wouldn't be a pleasant experience for him. He'd gone too far to back out now. The first five minutes weren't so bad. Scanning the large room for Stephen took most of his attention while his legs pumped in a steady, somewhat quick rhythm. The second five minutes dragged by at a considerably slower rate, his heart pumping louder by the second. By the time fifteen minutes had passed, his vision was blurry, he couldn't get enough oxygen no matter how hard he breathed, and he was pretty sure he was going to die. Jay imagined himself keeling off the bike, his heart exploding like an overfilled water balloon, his face frozen in a final expression of horror as understanding engulfed him a second before he gave up the ghost. The beautiful people in the gym would continue to file past him, unaware that the huge man at their feet was dead rather than just lying down for a quick rest. He'd probably just lay there until the cleaning people arrived. If anybody did notice he was missing, they'd never think to contact the gym, and so his body would go unclaimed and buried in an anonymous grave somewhere. Well, he probably wasn't going to be buried in an anonymous grave, but everything else up to that point could easily happen. And all because the thought of seeing Stephen for a few extra minutes a day intoxicated him so much he'd put that possibility ahead of his own common sense. It was common sense that big fat lazy people didn't belong on a tiny stationary bike in front of collegiate gods. It was unbecoming and dangerous. Not to mention foolish. What did he think was going to happen? Stephen would see him huffing and puffing away on a bike, sweating through his shirt, and become instantly enamored with him? He nearly panicked at the thought of Stephen seeing him in such a state. He couldn't even try to tell himself that if Stephen were there, he might not even notice Jay. Jay was a big guy near the locker room-

-Stephen would notice him. Oh God, what have I done? Jay stopped peddling and rested his head against his arm, struggling to catch his breath. As soon as he got a decent amount of oxygen, he would return to the locker room, change his clothes, and leave before Stephen even saw him. The plan was stupid, but it wasn't catastrophic quite yet. He'd just have to be happy with the two hours every day that their schedules overlapped and nip this vaguely stalkerish behavior right in the bud. "Jay?" Jay looked up sharply and smiled. Or tried to smile, since he was too mortified and exhausted to make his face work properly. "Stephen. Hi." "Hi." Stephen gave him a questioning look. "I haven't seen you around here before." "No, no, I... I just started this week because of my new diet." Jay mentally kicked himself for mentioning the D-word. His friends, all girls, always admired him when he decided to commit himself to a healthier lifestyle. Somehow, it never really impressed the boys he liked. "Oh, that's great. Have you signed up for any of the classes here?" Classes? That sounded like phys ed. Alarm bells instantly began to sound as the part of Jay dedicated to self-preservation encouraged him to remove himself from the situation. "No, I didn't know they offered any." "Yeah. They're taught by volunteers. They're basically designed to help introduce people to all the options here. I took them when I first started." Jay nodded. "That sounds interesting. I'll look into it." "Cool. So are you just getting started?" "I was about to call it good for the day, actually." Jay made a show of checking his watch. "Man, has it been forty-five minutes already? I guess time flies when you're having fun. You?" "I'm on the way to the track for a couple laps to cool down.

Do you want come with? I usually don't feel like I'm done unless I have a good run." Just the image of himself chasing Stephen around the track was almost too much to bear. He'd be doubled over in pain after half a lap, and Stephen would leave him behind with a disgusted shake of his head. "Maybe next time. I've got an appointment at six. So I should just hit the showers." "Yeah. Hey, I'll see you tomorrow." "Yep. Have a good night." Jay managed to keep from collapsing until Stephen was several feet away, though the weakness in his legs had nothing to do with his ill-advised attempt to ride the damned bike. Stephen was gorgeous in an impossible sort of way, more handsome than pretty, his body toned, his eyes the deepest shade of blue. Jay had fallen in love with him the moment they met, knowing it was shallow to be in love with somebody just because they were the fairest in all the land, but not caring. Stephen was also funny and intelligent, quick witted and warm-hearted. In the month since the semester started and Stephen began working as the GLBT Center director, Jay's feelings had only grown stronger, until he realized, much to his horror, that he really did love Stephen. He always fell for the ones he couldn't have. It was a sickness with him. **** Jay passed on the gym the next day, and he would have quietly refused to go on Wednesday, too, but Stephen casually mentioned that he hadn't seen Jay during circuit training. Jay blurted something about taking a day off, and things might have been fine with that, but Stephen asked him if he planned to be there that evening and added, "Maybe we can warm up together." So what choice did Jay have but to drive home, get his gym clothes, and go through the whole embarrassing process of changing and preparing for an hour of torture?

Just the sight of the narrow bicycle seat made his ass cramp. But he wasn't familiar enough with the other equipment to even consider doing something else. He'd blow out his knee or tear a muscle in his back or have a hernia. Jay wasn't sure how or why these things would happen, but it was too easy to imagine himself rolling on the floor in terrible pain while Stephen looked on with bewildered concern. A hand clapped him on the shoulder. "There you are." Jay jumped slightly and turned around. "Yeah, here I am. Have you been here awhile?" "No, just starting. You gonna warm up on the bike?" Stephen was still touching his shoulder, and standing just a little too close. It was all Jay could do not to lean into him and seek out more of his warmth. "That was the plan." "Great." He nudged Jay toward the loathsome bike before mounting the one on the left. His shorts rode up on his legs a little, giving Jay the slightest hint of his thigh. He had an even tan over his toned calves and above his knees. Was he that tanned everywhere? His chest and back must have been. He probably spent all summer hiking and biking and mountain climbing. In fact, he probably moved to Utah to pursue his interest in those rugged, outdoor activities. "I'm really glad you're working out, too," Stephen commented after five minutes, his voice and breathing even, as though he was just sitting in the chair and watching Jay. Jay, on the other hand, was huffing in the most undignified way. "Oh?" Jay puffed out. "Yeah, I always worked out with friends when I lived in Phoenix. But I've just been going to the gym for the past month by myself. It's nice to have somebody to talk to." Jay knew that Stephen was only stating the desire for somebody to keep him company during his daily workout and that he wasn't saying he wanted Jay there specifically, but it still made his chest tingle pleasantly. Or maybe that was the oncoming heart attack. It was difficult to tell while his muscles were screaming at

him to get the fuck off the bike and stop this insanity. "You miss Phoenix?" Stephen let go of the handle bars and sat back a little, his powerful legs still pumping away. "I've been too busy to get homesick. But I bet once the snow starts, I'll probably miss it." "The first winter is always the hardest," Jay managed, watching as his miles per hour dropped steadily. He certainly couldn't keep up with Stephen's pace, and he probably shouldn't even try. Not if he wanted to avoid the worst case scenario. "I'm hoping it won't be too bad." Jay snorted. "No, it will be. January is the worst. It never snows, it just gets colder and colder, until you wish it would snow." Stephen grimaced. "That bad? When I was interviewing, everybody assured me Salt Lake didn't get as much snow as the mountains." "It doesn't. They weren't lying, just not giving you the full truth. But I'm sure you'll be fine." "I am excited about learning how to ski. I've always wanted to." "They usually have good deals for locals." "Do you ski?" "Me? Oh no. No, I'm not a skier." "I thought everybody around here knew how to ski." "Everybody but me, I guess." "Maybe we can learn together." "Maybe," Jay said, with no intention of ever putting himself on two narrow slabs of wood and throwing his body down a mountain. Skiing had a long tradition in Park City. The miners used to get down the mountain that way when it was time to exchange all their silver for booze and whores. That was the only time it made sense to Jay to do something so foolhardy. If he ever found himself stranded at the top of a mountain, he'd consider it. But only then. "Fifteen minutes," Stephen announced. "Ready to move on?"

"I... you go on ahead without me." "No, come on. We can spot each other." "I don't really know how to do weight lifting." "I'll show you." What was he supposed to do? Tell Stephen no? Pass up on the opportunity to spend the next hour with him? Stephen was the only reason he was there and this was working out better than he could have ever hoped in his wildest dreams. He didn't even dare to fantasize that Stephen would invite him to work out with him. Yes, it would be embarrassing, especially when Stephen was presented with proof of just how out of shape and disgusting Jay was, but it wasn't like he ever had a chance with Stephen anyway. "Thanks. I don't want to infringe on your time, though." "No, don't worry about it. Come on, we'll start with one of the machines. That's easier than the free weights." Jay smiled as much as he could and followed Stephen to the closest weight machine. **** Stephen was waiting for him outside the locker room on Friday. At the reception desk. When Jay saw him standing there, he nearly turned right back around and walked out. He wasn't opposed to working out with Stephen--and spotting with the weights was a surprisingly wonderful bonus--but he did not want to change in front of Stephen. He didn't even want Stephen to change in front of him. Getting an eyeful of Stephen's gorgeous body would only fuel his pointless fantasies whilst reminding him of how pointless they actually were. "Great timing," Stephen greeted. "Here." He held out the pen to Jay so he could sign out a locker, and Jay had no choice but to accept it. "Yeah, that was pretty good timing." "We should just walk over here together after work. I was worried I'd miss you." Jay signed his name, picked up his locker key, and let the

comment pass over him. Stephen was just being friendly. His only option was to change in the tiny bathroom stall again, so he did, and then waited a few minutes after he was done to make sure Stephen would be finished and out of the locker room. "You feeling Wednesday's workout?" Stephen asked as Jay stiffly approached the bikes. "Yeah, a bit." "It'll be like that for the first few weeks, but it gets better." Jay tried to imagine himself doing this until his muscles stopped aching and cramping. Or maybe even getting to the point that he enjoyed his regular visits to the gym. But that seemed as far beyond the realm of possibility as dating Stephen. "That's what I'm counting on," Jay said gamely. "So you've lived in Salt Lake for awhile, haven't you?" Stephen asked. "My whole life." "What's there to do around here on the weekends? I haven't really had the chance to check out the night life since I moved here." Why are you asking me? Jay could give him a good idea of where to start, but he was probably the least qualified person to answer. Especially since Stephen spent his entire day surrounded by people with actual lives. Most of the people who spent time at the GLBT Center went out every Friday and Saturday night. "There are a couple good clubs in town. There are usually some good bands playing, too. The Tower has a midnight movie every weekend. They play some good horror movies in October." "I was thinking of going out tonight. It's been that kind of week, you know?" Jay nodded. There had been some dispute with the university over the budget. He didn't know the specifics since he was only a volunteer, but Stephen had been neck deep in it. April, the previous director, would have been going crazy by then, but Stephen had managed to keep his cool. "Rhys goes to Pure every Friday night. You should text him."

"Is that where all the kids go?" "I think it's all ages, yeah." "I usually like a slightly older crowd." "Club Edge is pretty good. Or it used to be. I haven't really gone out much since I started grad school." "Really? You don't go just to blow off some steam?" "I have too much work to do. I've got to grade papers tonight so I can spend all day tomorrow reading Ovid." "When do you get a break? Sunday?" "Nope. Got a paper to write on Sunday." "Then it's back to the grindstone on Monday?" "Yep." "I don't know how you do it." "It isn't easy," Jay admitted. "But it's supposed to be hard, or else everybody would have a Masters degree, you know?" "You plan to get a doctorate, too?" "If the Masters doesn't kill me." Stephen laughed, but Jay wasn't joking. Undergrad had been a breeze, but the relentless drag of academia was starting to wear him down. He was certain he'd have an ulcer by his twenty-fifth birthday. He wished he could go out like Stephen suggested. Just grabbing a pint of beer or sitting through a movie would probably be a good idea, but there was nothing more depressing than going out for a pint alone except for buying a single movie ticket. At least studying was meant to be a solitary activity. "I really considered graduate school. I still might go some day. But I wanted a chance to live in the real world for awhile." "Then why did you get a job on campus?" "This was too good of an opportunity to pass up. It's not every day that you get the chance to work somewhere great doing something that matters." He could tell Stephen really meant that. He felt that weird fluttering in his chest that he was coming to associate with Stephen instead of what Jay felt was his inevitable heart attack. "That's fifteen."

Jay blinked in surprised and double-checked his watch. It was actually sixteen minutes. How had the time gone by so quickly? He felt winded, but not quite like he was dying. His legs didn't feel like rubber, either. "How did you like our set on Wednesday? Did that work for you?" "It worked fine." As far as Jay knew. It wasn't like he had anything to compare it against. He'd felt like death when he was finished, so it'd probably been a great set. "Okay. But if you don't like something or you want to try something else, be sure to let me know." Jay smiled a little. "Thanks. I will." Stephen returned his smile before setting the proper weight on Jay's machine. That smile made all the hard work worth it. It was true that every muscle in his body strenuously objected to his new workout, but what did that matter when he got Stephen to himself for three hours a week? "Do you know Auggie Lambert?" Stephen asked while Jay worked through his ten reps of chest presses. "Yeah. He's a senior this year. Why?" "I was just wondering. He's in the Center a lot, isn't he?" "He is. I have his number because we were both on the same committee last semester. Do you want it?" "I don't think I should." "Why not?" "It's probably not a good idea to get involved with the students. Especially not the undergrads." "If it's an age thing, I think he's older than you." "It's not. Not just that. I mean, you don't think it'd be a problem?" Jay shrugged. "I don't see why it would be. He's a really nice guy, too. And I think you're his type." Stephen snorted. "I'm everybody's type." It could have sounded arrogant and obnoxious, but Jay knew exactly what Stephen meant. He was like the gay ideal from head

to toe. Falling in love with a guy like Stephen was completely stereotypical, and Jay did feel a vague sense of guilt for being so damned predictable. "Well, true, but I do think you and Auggie would hit it off. He might even be going out to Edge tonight." Stephen shrugged. "Maybe I'll go around there tonight. Why don't you?" "Why don't I what? Go to Edge? Like I said, I'm grading tonight." Beyond that, the only thing Jay found more unpleasant and unnatural than the gym was a club. Working out left him exhausted and sore, but still it wasn't worse than the ego-bruising, soulcrushing experience that was the gay bar. His skinny, athletic, hot friends always had a great time buying each other drinks and drunkenly hooking up after the dancing was over. There was no room in the club culture for a guy like him, and unfortunately, that was the extent of the gay culture in Utah. At least for the underthirty set. "And like I said, you need to give yourself a break every once in awhile." "I will." "When?" "During winter break." "That doesn't count." "It'll have to because that's when I'll have some free time to myself." "That's fine. I'll just find a way to coax you out. Maybe there's somebody at the Center I could use for bait?" His face was already flushed from the workout, so Stephen probably didn't notice the way Jay blushed at his comment. "I don't even have the time to have a crush on anybody." "You really are devoted to school." "Believe it or not, I used to be a much bigger nerd than this. I was actually King of the Nerds in high school." "Then it's a good thing we didn't go to the same high school.

You might have had a rival for the crown." "You were a nerd?" Jay asked skeptically, moving to spot Stephen as he benched one hundred and fifty pounds. "I find that hard to believe." "I guess you could say I was a bit of a late bloomer. I didn't start going to the gym regularly until my junior year in college. Before that I was all pale and scrawny. I even had these big thick glasses because my mom wouldn't let me have contacts." Stephen easily lifted the weights overhead ten times before Jay took the bar from him and replaced it on the stand. "Are you sure you weren't a jock?" Stephen chuckled. "Yeah, I'm sure. Do you know many jocks who had a perfect GPA?" "I don't know many jocks in general, to be honest. So if it wasn't sports, what got you working out?" "Honestly?" Stephen adjusted himself on the bench and grinned up at Jay. "I wanted to get laid. I think that's why guys do anything." "That sounds about right." Was Stephen on to him? Had he been too obvious with his interest? If so, it wasn't necessarily the end of the world. Stephen could just be trying to tell him I know why you're here and that's cool but I'm more interested in guys like Auggie. That was fair. He no doubt figured Jay deserved to know where he stood. "I guess it must have worked." "I can't even believe how much of a difference it made. When I start feeling lazy and I want to skip a week, I just remember the dry spell that lasted until I was twenty-one. That keeps me motivated." Jay laughed without humor. Twenty-one wasn't so bad. Jay was going to be a twenty-five year old virgin with ulcers. But weight training had worked for Stephen--who was naturally handsome and lovely and wonderful. Even so, exercising certainly couldn't hurt his chances of finding somebody to fuck before he died.

Chapter 2

The sharp relief Jay felt at finally being home dissipated as soon as he opened the apartment door and saw Jeni sitting on his couch, her candy pink lips twisted in a mocking smile of welcome. "Well, there he is now." "What are you doing here?" Jay asked, too tired to be polite. "I heard you were working out. I had to come over here for myself to see." "Look, I know you've probably been thinking of insults all afternoon, but I'm really not in the mood for it right now." Jeni gasped in fake outrage. "What are you suggesting, Jay? That I don't have anything better to do except think of ways to insult you? I do have a life, you know." "Do you? I've never seen any evidence of that." "I'm taking Amy out to the Paper Moon tonight." Jay's brows knitted together. "Amy? Amy!" "What?" She hurried out of her room only half dressed, her full breasts nearly spilling out of her lacy cups. She never had any problem letting Jay see her half naked, and he couldn't figure out if she was a bit of an exhibitionist, or if he was just so entirely desexualized that it never occurred to her to be modest. "Is there a problem?" "You're going out with Jeni?" Amy glanced from him, to his mortal enemy, and then to him again. "Yes? Is there a problem with that?" "What did I tell you?" "Jay, look, I know what you said, but there's just not that many lesbians around here. I mean, I was going to end up dating her sooner or later."

"Didn't she tell you that I've been in love with her for the past two years?" Jeni asked sweetly. "You shut up," Jay snapped. "Nobody asked you." "I don't even know why you're so upset," Amy protested. "I told you... " "That happened years ago," Amy protested. "Plus, Jeni is sorry now. Aren't you, Jeni?" Jay knew she wasn't. She wasn't even a little bit sorry, and she never would be. Why should she be sorry? That would be tantamount to admitting that she didn't love to make Jay the butt of her jokes. She was smirking at him again--she knew he knew what an unrepentant bitch she was. "You two play nice. I have to finish getting dressed." "Yeah, Jay. Place nice. Let the past stay in the past. Bygones be bygones, and all that." She patted the couch next to her. "Now, why don't you tell me all about the gym?" Jay ignored her, hurrying to claim the bathroom before Amy decided she needed it for last second makeup emergencies. "If you don't want to talk about the gym, we could always talk about Stephen." Jay stopped. "Why would I want to talk about Stephen?" "Isn't that why you're going to the gym? To make yourself pretty for him?" Jay took a deep breath, his heart rate increasing, his legs tensing as his fight or flight instinct kicked in. He knew exactly how this conversation would go--well, it wouldn't be a conversation. It would just be an opportunity for Jeni to laugh at him for thinking, for ever thinking, that he was good enough for somebody like Stephen McNeil. "It has nothing to do with him." "Oh, but Amy said he's the reason you've gone three times this week. I just assumed you were trying to fuck him. Why else would you drag your ass all way to the gym?" "We're working out together," Jay said tightly. "But you want to do more than that with him, don't you?

Hey, don't get all defensive. I'm just trying to have a conversation." "About something that is none of your business." "Are you going to go next week? Seriously now, Jay." "Yes." "No offense, but I'll believe it when I see it. Oh! Maybe I should see it." "What are you talking about?" "It's easy enough to prove if you're working out. Me and Amy can drop by on Monday to give you encouragement. We'll be your cheerleaders." "No." "Why not? What if I just move my regular work out time to... when? About five-thirty?" "Do whatever you want to do, Jeni. I don't care." "I'll talk to Stephen about it tomorrow some time." Nothing could keep Jay from spending an hour with Stephen-except Jeni Jacobson. He'd once considered moving all the way to Wisconsin to get away from her, and now she was just popping up in his apartment like she owned the place and talking about Stephen like they were great personal friends. Was it too late to transfer to a school out of state? And if he did, would that mean she won? "I don't care." "Uh huh. Well, more power to you, then. I mean, I admire people with so much... determination." She put just enough venom in the final word to sting his pride. Well, what was left of it. Having programmed most of Jay's buttons in elementary school, she certainly knew how to push them now. Retaliating wouldn't do any good. If he tried, her claws would come out, and she'd find the most vulnerable part of him to slice and flay. Instead of telling her to shove it up her ass, Jay made his escape, his pulse hammering. All he wanted to do was strip his clothes and climb into the shower to let the hot water pound on his sore muscles for the next hour. That was it. He'd had no greater plans or hopes than that. But now that was ruined.

Whether he stayed under the water for fifteen minutes or two hours, it'd all be the same miserable thing. He hated that the sight of Jeni was powerful enough to ruin his entire day, but she'd infected him with her toxin when they were kids, and he saw her on campus just enough to poke at those wounds until they flared with pain again. Amy, being his roommate and his best friend, fucking knew that. Were they dating now? Could he expect to see Jeni sitting on his couch two or three times a week? He would move before he put up with that. He'd live in a cardboard box in Pioneer Park with the rest of the bums before he voluntarily tolerated Jeni invading his own home. It was bad enough that he had to see her occasionally at the Center. The image of Jeni and Stephen laughing with each other slapped him across the face, and he realized it was an inevitability. I can't even imagine what Jay is like at the gym. Is it as hilarious as I think it must be? Then Stephen would grin at the memory of Jay huffing and puffing and admit it was probably more hilarious than Jeni expected. I'll talk to him about it tomorrow. What did that mean? Why did she see Stephen on Saturdays? Were they on some planning committee? It wouldn't be too difficult to find out what meetings were happening on campus, but that might look a little too much like stalking. Jay could justify following Stephen to the gym, but tracking down Jeni just to make sure the two of them didn't actually talk was just a step too far. Maybe it wasn't some sort of meeting. Maybe they were actually friends. Jeni wasn't a first class bitch all of the time. She couldn't have been because she did actually have friends, and she was quite popular. If she were straight, she'd be called a slut to her face. Could lesbians be sluts? He supposed it was technically possible. They could definitely be bitches, as Jeni proved every single day of her life. Jay wanted to say that Stephen wasn't like that, but everybody was like that on some level. Jay understood the humor inherent in the situation, he just wished somebody would take him seriously instead of see him as the butt of the joke. And people

should take him seriously. If academic achievement and publications counted for anything in the club scene, Jay would have his pick of partners. But nobody cared if he'd published his first article while he was still an undergrad, or if he'd been invited to speak at several conferences in the past year, or that his students always showed consistent and even radical improvement. He peeled his sweaty clothes off, tossed them into the hamper, and turned the shower on as hot as it would go. The water burned the back of his hand as he tested the temperature, but that was exactly the way he liked it. Steam quickly gathered in the small room, billowing up around him and partially obscuring his reflection. He studied himself through the thickening air, trying to imagine defined muscles in place of the flab, stretch marks, and acne scars. How could any amount of working out change the basic reality of his body? Even if he somehow managed to lose the weight, he'd still have scars on his shoulders and a mole on his chest that almost looked like a third nipple, and random sprouts of long, thick hair. Jay stroked his cock, pulling the skin up over the head and then sliding his palm back, revealing every inch of his shaft. He knew enough from porn and random locker room talk that his cock was perfectly normal, and maybe even better than normal. He lost the genetic lottery in a lot of ways, but he was actually rather blessed in that area. It was only too bad that nobody would take his word for it. He was sure there were several gay men of his acquaintance who would quite enjoy playing with his cock, but it didn't do to think about that too much since he would never know. It was a little ironic, considering he might as well not have a cock at all. The water burned him when he stepped under the steady spray, but Jay didn't adjust the temperature. Maybe if he had it hot enough, it would scald away the aches and pains, the sweat and stink of humiliation. He couldn't even remember if he'd been optimistic about working out with Stephen. Jeni had completely obliterated all of that. He hated that she had so much power over

him, but it would probably take years of serious therapy to undo all the destruction and damage she'd done in the past fifteen years. Of course, never seeing her again would be the most appropriate first step in his recovery, but that wasn't likely to happen. He soaped himself down twice, paranoid about the sweat clinging to his skin. He didn't want to inadvertently contribute to the stereotype of fat people smelling worse than the general population. Jay couldn't even remember when and how this paranoia began, but he'd had the same shower routine for most of his life. Probably at least since puberty. Once he rinsed off the second round of soap, he didn't linger too long in the shower. It was getting difficult to breathe in the thick steam, and his skin had turned as red and tight as a tomato. By the time he emerged from bathroom, the apartment was empty. Jay sighed with relief and went directly to his room, ignoring his computer in favor of his bed and the stack of books on the side waiting for his attention. He flipped through a half dozen of them, but he saw Stephen's name on every page, the letters breaking apart and rearranging themselves until each mark on the paper bore the reminder of Jay's obsession, and he knew he wasn't going to get anything accomplished. He promised himself he would get work done if he turned on his laptop, but he navigated directly to Craigslist. He scanned through the personals, finding the standard messages. He was pretty sure there were about two dozen men who just posted the same thing over and over, complete with the same pictures. Did they keep posting because they'd had so much success, or because they were just ridiculously optimistic? Jay had mentally composed his own ad many times. Something along the lines of Horny, safe bottom looking to suck cock tonight. Not the cleverest ad, but it would probably attract a few responses at least, from gay and ostensibly straight men alike. If he only wanted to give a few blow jobs, it wouldn't matter what he looked like or if the person was attracted to him. It would be about sex, pure and simple. Jay didn't like the thought of random,

anonymous hookups. The thought of sucking a stranger's cock and then disappearing without even exchanging names didn't sit right with him, and so even though the option had always been there, Jay couldn't quite bring himself to do it. But it was still an option. And Jay was so frustrated, so starved for any contact that wasn't just incidental that it was an option that looked increasingly attractive. If he didn't want to die a virgin while waiting for the perfect guy--who, he now knew, did exist--then the only option became the best option by default. If he sucked some stranger's cock, would he still technically be a virgin? It might seem silly, but he didn't want to lose his virginity to a stranger if he could help it. Not that he'd had such great luck with people he knew. He went back three pages, clicking through each ad, even the ones that were obviously spam. Some of the pictures posted were not bad, though they all served a excellent reminders of why Jay was sitting alone on Friday night with nothing better to do than go through ads. None of the pictures were of men who looked like him--they mostly looked like Stephen. Or they were just sticks with no real tone or definition to them, but still more socially acceptable than him. What would it be like to have sex with Stephen? He would probably be amazing--practice makes perfect, after all. He would know exactly what felt good, exactly what to do to Jay and what he'd want in return. It wouldn't matter that Jay was completely inexperienced and more than a little shy, because Stephen would be happy to guide him. He'd always been a quick study, and though he often felt strange and out of place in his own body, he was quite good at physical tasks. Plus, he'd really want to please Stephen. Whatever he lacked in technique, he'd make up with enthusiasm. Stephen would never have a more enthusiastic partner than him. Jay sighed and lay back on the bed, the laptop balanced on his stomach. When he closed his eyes, it wasn't difficult to summon Stephen's face to his mind's eye. He was smiling,

naturally, because Jay could spend all day studying Stephen's smile. It wasn't perfect, and that's what Jay liked about it. It was a little crooked, and Stephen's teeth weren't quite straight. Like he'd worn braces for a year and then had them taken off. His lips were thick, too, which only added to the off-kilter impression of his mouth. Wouldn't it be great if he could just offer no-strings attached sex? Stephen was lonely if he was willing to spend so much time with Jay to begin with. Sooner or later--probably sooner--he'd find somebody steady, or maybe a handful of fuck buddies to fill his time, and then he wouldn't have any use for Jay anymore. But Jay wasn't greedy. He'd happily take what he could get, and he wouldn't ask for anything in return. Stephen wouldn't even have to see him naked or keep the lights on. But how do you offer that to somebody? Especially somebody you saw nearly every single day and would still have to work with? The computer started to feel hot against his stomach, so he set it aside and swung his legs off the side of the bed. His back and, strangely enough, his hips protested strenuously, each muscle clenching tight as if determined to keep him flat on his back, alone with his thoughts. He almost gave in to the temptation to do just that, to lay down and not move for the rest of the night. But he did have work to do, and he did need to start dinner--as much as he hated to do it. If having sex was his number one fantasy, surviving without food was a close second. He'd toyed with various options over the years, including having his stomach stapled or his jaw wired shut when no diet made any amount of difference. He'd actually lost over fifty pounds his freshman year, but it was hard to stay focused when every single morning the mirror reminded him that fifty pounds or a hundred pounds, he'd still be a big, fat slob. Ignoring the various blades of pain stabbing at his back, abdomen, and thighs, Jay made his way into the kitchen. He needed to go to the grocery store, but there was still enough food in the fridge for the night. After ten minutes of rooting around the kitchen and poking through the cupboards, he had enough for a

BLT. He prepared his food on autopilot, his full attention still on Stephen, though he'd pushed aside the ridiculous fantasies that were so easy to build around Stephen's lovely body. It only hurt him to dwell on those images. But he couldn't stop his dreams. Jay read until he couldn't keep his eyes open for another second, and then surrendered to the desire that coursed through him whether he wanted to acknowledge it or not. Stephen was always the center of these dreams, beautiful and golden and just an inch out of Jay's reach. Even in his own dreamscape where anything was possible, Jay could look but never touch.

Chapter 3

Jay's Saturday morning routine included a bowl of cereal and a mini-Mythbusters marathon. He had a small crush on Jamie-something about the mustache perhaps--and though he didn't watch a lot of television as a rule, he always made time for the Mythbusters. He'd considered writing an analysis of the show, maybe for the Popular Culture Association conference in the spring. Something about the primal need to blow stuff up good, or maybe the trend away from educational shows--as Mythbusters had once been--into blowing stuff up good shows. The Dumbening Down of America or something along those lines. Jay smiled a little at that. He'd even use dumbening. It'd be a meta joke and... "Jay? Oh, you're awake." "It's ten o'clock. Of course I'm awake." Jay turned toward the door. "Are you just getting in now?" "Yes." "You spent the whole night and most of the morning with Jeni?" "Yeah, and look Jay, I know how you feel about her, but we had a lot of fun." "What does that mean? You're going out again tonight?" She tilted her chin defiantly. "Yes. I'll keep her away from the apartment, okay? I promise, you won't have to see her." "Why are you even dating her? What if our roles were reversed? Would you be happy about this situation?" "Jay, I get it. But what if our roles were reversed? Can't you try to see things from my view? I haven't had a real date in like five months. Jeni has been the first to show any interest in me in a long time. I can't just spend every night here with you, stuffing my face." "Sometimes the right thing to do is choose your friends over

getting laid." "What would you know about it?" Amy was prone to blurting unfortunate things before her mind caught up with her mouth. Jay knew this about her and had been one of the few people to forgive her again and again. It wasn't that she had a malicious soul, but she didn't always fully appreciate the consequences of her words. He blinked at her, absorbing the details he hadn't noticed before--one earring was missing, her eyes were ringed with enough black to make her look like a raccoon, her shirt was buttoned improperly, and her bra was sticking out of her bag. Just a lacy hint, like it was waving coquettishly at him. "Clearly I was wrong to think you knew anything about selfcontrol," Jay said coolly. "Do you fuck anybody who buys you a few drinks?" "Are you saying I'm a slut?" "I'm saying you must have lower standards than an alley cat if you're willing to fuck Jeni." "God, maybe if you fucked somebody, you wouldn't be such an asshole." "I'm an asshole? You're supposed to be my best friend and you brought my worst enemy back to my house. She threatened to show up at the gym on Monday so she could have front row seats of my humiliation. And that's the kind of person you want to be with?" "Jay... don't you ever get lonely? Lonely enough that you're willing to overlook some things you don't like or don't want? You must, you're never with anybody." "Yeah, but Karen left you what, six months ago? You can't live with it for six months? You're so desperate that you'll go along with whatever bitch you can find?" "She's not a bitch to me, Jay. And maybe I don't want to be lonely for the rest of my life. Maybe six months is too long. I don't know why you're so upset. It's not like you have to date her." "Well excuse the hell out of me for expecting a bit of consideration and thoughtfulness from my best friend." Jay

abandoned his half-eaten bowl of cereal on the coffee table and stomped over to the door, half pushing her out of the way when she refused to move. "Where are you going?" "Out." "Will you be back in time for our grocery run?" "Probably not." "What about dinner?" "Doubtful." "But... that's our thing," Amy protested, touching his arm like they never had a fight. "I wanted to tell you about--" "I don't want to talk to you today, Amy. So I guess you'll have to run to the grocery store by yourself." She looked absolutely stricken by that. Nothing else Jay said had made any sort of impact on her, but this got through, somehow. She must have realized that if Jay didn't want to spend an afternoon with her--which had been their practice since they moved in together three years earlier--then he must be really pissed. Jay wasn't just really pissed. He was absolutely fucking livid, and the purple hickey on Amy's neck just drove his rage to higher levels. But her green eyes were wide and shimmering with emotion. Jay couldn't remain indifferent to that. "I need some time to process all this, okay? I don't want to keep fighting with you." "I don't want to keep fighting with you, either. I mean, I didn't do any of this to hurt you, Jay. I really didn't." "I know. That's why I'm going to take a breather. If you don't want to go to the store by yourself, we'll do it tomorrow, okay?" Amy nodded, rising to her tippy-toes to kiss his cheek before releasing his arm. He was completely incapable of staying angry at Amy. Maybe that was why she didn't think it'd be a big deal to bring Jeni home with her--Jay always forgave her, after all. For both major and minor infractions. And he'd probably forgive her for this because the alternative was to lose his best friend, and Jay couldn't afford that. If he lost Amy, who or what would he have

left? Nothing. Without Amy, he feared he would turn into a shut-in with nobody for company but the feral cats who slipped into his house to escape the harsh winters. It wasn't until he reached his car that he realized he didn't have anywhere to go. He could do the grocery shopping himself, but he lacked Amy's half of the money as well as the list. Which meant any effort he made would inevitably result in the two of them going to the store the next day for everything Jay forgot or couldn't afford with his own funds. There was a Village Inn just down the road, but given the mood he was in, sitting in a room full of pies just seemed like a disaster waiting to happen. There was really only one place for Jay to go when he was feeling out of sorts and flat broke. The library was only a few blocks away, but he drove instead of walked. His legs were still too sore to even entertain the idea, and what if he didn't feel like walking home? Then he would be stuck taking the bus, which meant he'd be on the bus's schedule, and that was even more annoying than walking. The Salt Lake City Library was beautiful, architecturally interesting, and completely out of place in downtown Salt Lake. Mainly because it was beautiful and interesting. Jay didn't know how the final design was approved, but from the moment it was finished, it became Jay's favorite place. It was more of a complex than a building, with five levels of books and a glass elevator to travel between the floors. The design was big and open, so even in the midst of winter, sunlight streamed through the huge windows. There were little shops on the north side of the bottom floor, including a café, which was always Jay's first stop. On the south was the entrance to the actual library, as well as the elevators that carried patrons to the various sections. The children's floor was the second level. The nonfiction was on level three. Jay had spent countless hours exploring the different levels, losing himself in the stacks completely. The only thing Jay didn't like about it was that it didn't smell like a library. He loved the scent of leather and musty pages and

dust sinking into every square inch of the rugs and walls. It was an odor that sat high in the air, sharp enough to tickle at his sinuses, and he always associated it with a deep chill. Perhaps because the Bookmobile he'd frequented as a kid smelled the strongest of old books, and the heater in that thing had been broken. He'd stand shivering, studying the spines of books he'd already read until he found one he hadn't touched yet. Then he'd clasp the icy cover in both hands, his whole frame shaking as he read through the first page. Sometimes, the book didn't pass the first page test, and so he was forced to try again and again, ignoring how the cold bit into him. It was more than a little strange to be standing warm and comfortable, a coffee in one hand--yes, they allowed beverages, much to Jay's mingled joy and horror--and a brand new paperback in the other. When he was a kid, it was a miracle if he found a book even published in his lifetime. This library only smelled of coffee and cleaning supplies. Jay stopped to buy the white chocolate mocha first, mouth watering at the thought of the hot, sweet drink. There was a line since it was a lovely Saturday morning, but Jay didn't mind waiting. He studied the flyers on the wall, noting with some interest that the midnight movie that night was Scanners. He'd been meaning to see that movie for the last five years, but he never wanted to watch it alone, and Amy did not like Cronenberg. The Fly traumatized her pretty severely as a child. They were still showing Cary Grant movies on Monday downtown. There was a talent show at West High School that night, and a decent band playing at Kilby Court. Jay thought he could use that information to put together one hell of a date--if hell froze over, that is. "Jay? Fancy meeting you here." Stephen's voice was like a punch to the chest, and Jay had to give himself a second to catch his breath before looking up. "Hey." "How are you feeling after yesterday? All right?" Jay half shrugged. "No pain, no gain. What are you up to?" "Returning some books. Every time I move to a new city, I tell myself things are going to be different. This time I'm not going

to lose my library books and end up paying hundreds of dollars in fees. So far, so good. What about you?" "Getting some coffee. And I have some research to do for a paper, so I planned to just hang out here until they closed." "You're going to stay in the library all day?" "Yeah." "But it's beautiful out today." Jay didn't find that a compelling argument. It was beautiful most days. What was he supposed to do about it? Go to the park? Jay was not a go-to-the-park kind of guy. "A grad student's work is never done." "I was thinking about driving up to Park City for lunch. I hear that's where all the good restaurants are." Jay nodded. "Yeah, there are some good ones. Almost anything you choose on Main Street is good, but there are a few more that are completely out of the way. They're a bit harder to find, but worth it." "Why don't you come with me? You could show me the good places." It wasn't a surprise that Stephen seemed to like his company, given how willing he was to spend time with Jay at the Center and at the fitness center. But the invitation still somehow left him breathless. He studied Stephen's face for any hint that he was joking, but his smile was sincere. He was really going to have the chance to spend several hours with Stephen? And instead of huffing and puffing and straining on an exercise bike, he'd actually get to enjoy a fine lunch? It seemed too good to be true. It might have been just that. The whole scenario could very well be a dream. This wouldn't be the first time he fell asleep in front of Mythbusters on a lazy Saturday morning. "Unless you have other plans," Stephen amended when Jay's silence stretched for just a beat too long. "No, lunch sounds great." "Did you drive here?" "Yeah."

Stephen smiled. "Good, because I didn't bring my car. You just saved me a trip back home at least. Let me just drop these off real quick." "I'll wait here," Jay promised, a little unnecessarily. Stephen was good to his word, dropping off the books and returning quickly, before Jay could change his mind or come to his senses. Fifteen minutes later, they were on the freeway and leaving the valley behind them, following the ribbon of the I-80 into the Wasatch Mountains. The leaves weren't changing color yet, but the late summer heat was bearing down on the foliage, and everything had a sort of brown, dead look to it. It would be better in a few weeks, after the regular autumn storms came and the leaves all turned yellow and red. But in the meantime, everything just looked hot, and dreary, and thirsty. "It was pretty lucky that we ran into each other, actually," Stephen said. Jay wished Stephen wouldn't talk while he was trying to drive. Being in such a confined space with Stephen made it difficult enough to concentrate on driving without him speaking. Especially when he said strange things like that. "Why?" "I was going to try to call you." Jay frowned. "Why?" "Because I wanted to invite you to lunch," Stephen said, as though it was the most obvious thing in the world. "But why did you say try to call? Do you not have my number?" "I have your number. But it's been awhile, you know." Jay had no idea what Stephen was talking about, so he made what he hoped sounded like a noncommittal grunt of agreement. "What kind of food are you in the mood for?" Stephen asked. "I'm not sure. Do you have something in mind?" "I know it's not even noon yet, but I have been craving sushi for the past two days." "I know of a great sushi place, but we'll have to kill a little bit of time before it opens. It's right on Main Street, though. So we

should be able to park and wander around a little bit." "You don't mind?" Stephen asked. "Nope, not at all. I love Main Street. It's actually changed a lot in the past twenty years, but it's still all right." "I guess it didn't change for the better?" "It used to be a place for the locals. All of the businesses were genuinely small businesses, you know. People who were running the shops and restaurants their parents started with a few new places sprinkled in. Now it's completely... artificial. Everything is for their benefit. Nearly all of the places I used to spend time are gone, replaced by galleries and stores that sell scarves for five hundred a piece." "We don't have to go there if you don't like it," Stephen said. "Oh, no, I still like it just fine. Especially on days like this. It'll be at least ten or fifteen degrees cooler up there. It's just... not the same." "I know what you mean. The neighborhood where I grew up in Phoenix was completely different by the time I was fifteen. It grew really fast. It was supposed to be a good thing, but I hated it. I don't mind change, but I like it when it happens so slowly I barely notice it." "That's exactly how I feel. I wish there were two versions of Park City. One for all the tourists and Hollywood people, and another that's mostly just full of ski bums." "A town full of ski bums sounds charming." "Doesn't it, though?" "Why do you know so much about Park City? I thought you didn't ski?" "I don't. But I had a few jobs there. And my parents both worked for the resorts, so I spent a lot of time around town." "So you could have learned to ski for free?" "Yeah, I guess so. I think the employees got free or reduced lift passes. But I never felt that suicidal." Stephen frowned, and Jay realized it wasn't so much the words that gave him away as the tone. The words could be written

off as a figure of speech, but he didn't sound like he was joking. Afraid of what Stephen might think of him if he lingered over the implications, Jay quickly said, "You should have seen it up here during the Olympics. It was insane." "Oh, I bet. I wanted to come up here and watch the snowboarding at least, but my parents wouldn't let me." "My mom made me volunteer to work the Games." "That sounds like fun." "It was pretty much the opposite of fun. I was stuck cleaning up the Ute Stadium after every event. Do you have any idea how filthy and disgusting people are? And all those stairs... " "But it helped build character, right?" Jay snorted. "Yeah, that's what my mom said. I let it build my character for about three days before I had enough of that bullshit. Fortunately, when I told her it was distracting me from school, she didn't fight me." "Did you at least get to go to any of the events?" "No. Just watched them on TV like everybody else." "I know this sounds really lame, but I love the Olympics. I wish I could go to London in 2012." "You love the Olympics?" "I do." "Wow. That does sound really lame. Do you like the summer or winter sports the best?" "Summer. Like everybody else." "I like the horse events the most," Jay admitted. "Even though I don't really understand what's happening." "Do you mean like dressage?" "Yes." "I love watching dressage. And no, I don't understand it, either. I keep hoping that if I just keep watching it, I'll figure it all out sooner or later. I should just look it up on Wiki, I guess." "I did," Jay said. "It didn't really help. Maybe it'll make more sense to you, though. If it does, explain it to me." Stephen chuckled. "I will. So, what's in those mountains?"

"What?" "Is there like another town back there somewhere?" Stephen asked, gesturing to the mountains on the north side of the road. "Nope. Just more mountains." "But there's an exit here off the freeway." "Yeah, there's a reservoir down there, and that road goes to Emigration Canyon, which just cuts back to Salt Lake. I don't know what's beyond that though, honestly. Probably nothing." "We should go explore." "Where?" "Everywhere. Aren't you curious about where all those roads go?" Jay wasn't. Plus, if he ever got curious about it, he could just check out Google Earth. But Stephen seemed really enthusiastic about the idea, and even though it was somewhat dangerous to spend too much time with Stephen, his enthusiasm was rather contagious. If exploring meant driving for miles and miles with no real destination in mind and Stephen at his side, Jay would happily be the Lewis to his Clark. "I guess I never really thought about it before. I mean, I've driven through this canyon so many times I never even really noticed those other roads." "That's why a fresh pair of eyes is always helpful. Did you know your brain doesn't even process the information your eyes send it? It mostly just reconstructs everything from impressions and memories." "I didn't know that," Jay said, watching as a semi-truck got over to the left to get around an even bigger trailer, narrowly missing a SUV in the process. "So that means that sometimes you literally just see what you expect to see. Your brain is tricking you." "That's not very nice of your brain, is it? It happens when people are writing essays all the time. I've seen the craziest things because people tend not to catch their own mistakes. But I guess it makes sense for your brain to take shortcuts where it can and save

energy for other tasks." "I guess so. Still, I wish seeing really could be believing." They reached the top of Parley's Summit, and the valley was so green beneath them, and Stephen's company was just so nice, that Jay felt the last of bad mood evaporate. He didn't spare Amy or Jeni a second thought. He was just happy to be with Stephen and not killing himself in the process. Jay didn't know what Stephen was getting out of the deal, but he wouldn't worry about it. Instead of analyzing the situation to death, he'd just go along with the flow. "Is this Park City?" "Not really. It's Jeremy Ranch. Park City is still a few miles farther." "Are you annoyed with all my dumb questions?" "What dumb questions?" "Where does that road go? Are we there yet? I should throw in 'Why is the sky blue?' to complete the hat trick of annoyance." "I hope you don't, because I can't tell you why the sky is blue. Something to do with the way the light bends through the water molecules? Anyway, I don't think your questions are annoying at all." "You probably hear worse in your classes." "You have no idea. I have to be quick on my feet to keep the class from derailing on an almost daily basis." "I bet you're a great teacher." Jay smiled a little. "Well, I am pretty good, I think. My evaluations are always positive, at any rate. But why do you think that? Have I been particularly teacherly?" "Teacherly? Do you make up words in front of your students?" "Not intentionally." Stephen turned in his seat, leaning against the door and facing Jay more directly. "You know on the first day of class when you try to get some sort of handle on your teachers? Sizing them up, I guess." "Sure."

"Well, I had that down to an art form. And my first impression was always right." "Always? Don't you think you might be a victim of confirmation bias?" "I love that you just said that." Jay glanced at him from the corner of his eye. "What? Why?" "Because I feel like nobody even knows what the concept is. I never hear anybody casually and correctly work it into conversation. Anyway, no, it's not confirmation bias. I really was right, like, every time. It was a good survival skill to have." "So you're saying you sized me up?" "Yep. You're one of the good ones, Jay." Stephen said it with such finality that Jay's protest died before it was even properly formed. He felt himself smiling shyly, and he tried to wipe it from his face, but he was completely unsuccessful. His face and the back of his neck felt hot, and he muttered a "thanks" that didn't even begin to express his actual gratitude for the compliment. Thankfully, Stephen didn't let the silence settle over them, happily transitioning to the next question on his mind. In that moment, falling in love with Stephen didn't seem like such a stupid idea.

Chapter 4

Lunch went very well. Jay felt more in his element than he did at the gym, so it was easy to just talk to Stephen about everything. It didn't feel like any topic was off-limits, and they let the conversation drift wherever it wanted to go, from the slightly surreal to the downright personal. Stephen explained that he'd always known he was gay, that both of his parents were gay but had married each other anyway and had two kids. He talked about the strangeness of his parents' home life and how much of a relief it was when they finally decided to be honest about their feelings and divorce. Stephen talked about his favorite topics in school, his least favorite movies--he claimed you learned more about a person by what they didn't like--and the summer he spent following the New Pornographers. Jay lost himself for twenty minutes while he explained the research he'd already started in anticipation of his dissertation, excited to share with somebody who actually seemed interested. He told Stephen stories of his more colorful and bewildering students, gave Stephen a list of his favorite movies because he didn't even bother to remember the ones he didn't like, and eventually admitted he'd never had a serious relationship. He didn't go as far as confessing that he'd never had sex or been kissed, either, but Stephen might have caught on to that fact. The scary thing was, Jay felt like he could literally tell Stephen any thought, any feeling, any deep dark secret, and trust the other man with that knowledge. He knew it wasn't necessarily because Stephen was interested in these things, but he did a good job of acting interested, of listening, of asking questions to prompt Jay to continue.

They were discussing where to get dessert when Stephen's phone rang. Stephen ignored it and continued his soliloquy on why pie was superior to cake. The phone beeped to signal a new voice mail, and then started ringing again. "I'm sorry," Stephen said. "I know it's really rude, but I have to take this." "That's fine." Stephen pushed talk and brought phone up to his ear, his face instantly transforming. Jay couldn't put his finger on any one change, but he looked different. More professional. Jay didn't have time to figure out how or why this change happened before Stephen said, "Hey, Jeni." And Jay knew it wasn't some other girl. It wasn't some Jenny or Jennifer or anything like that. It was Jeni, and Stephen was talking to her like they knew each other well. He closed his ears, not wanting to hear another second of the conversation, and stared at his salmon nigiri like there was a good chance it would march right off his plate. He wasn't so egomaniacal or self-centered that he thought Jeni called specifically to talk about him, but she'd already promised she would ask Stephen about him, and she had no way of knowing that Stephen was actually at lunch with him. He must have done something absolutely wretched in a previous life to be cursed with Jeni now. There was no way somebody could just randomly make his life this miserable. There had to be a purpose behind it, reason behind it, and since Jay had never wronged Jeni in this life, that was the only reasonable explanation. Well, there was one other, he supposed. His weight was so very offensive to her that she had a primal need to destroy the object creating the distress. Stephen laughed at something she said, and the sound that had been so welcome before now grated on his frayed nerves. Oh, yes, Jeni was a laugh riot. A real shining example of wit. Oscar Wilde himself would kneel at her feet after hearing just one of her hilarious zingers. Maybe his earlier assumptions were both incorrect. Maybe Jeni wasn't a curse or offended by the sight of

Jay. Maybe she was just a comedian in need of a punchline, and Jay fit the bill perfectly. And now they had a mutual acquaintance in Jay. Ho, ho how delightful. How droll. Jay just wanted to make his escape and go home. Where Amy was waiting with bated breath to tell him all about her wonderful, fun night with Jeni. "Sorry about that," Stephen said as he returned his phone to his pocket. "Trying to work out a good time for a planning meeting next week. You know Jeni Jacobson, right?" "Yes." "She's a funny girl." Something in Jay's chest deflated until he thought he was in danger of collapsing in on himself. "Sure is." "Look, I propose we settle this silly cake versus pie dispute by going for ice cream. There's a place just up the road... " "You know, I don't really have time for dessert." Stephen blinked his surprise. But why shouldn't he be surprised? A guy like Jay always had time for dessert, right? "Oh, okay. Do you need to get back for something?" Yeah, maybe it's possible to get back in time to rescue my pride. "I do need to finish Ovid." "Ah, right. Sometimes I forget about the yoke of homework." Stephen stood, reaching for his wallet. "I'll get this." "No, I'll pay for my own," Jay protested. Stephen put a hand out to stop him. "No. It was my idea, I invited you, so it's my treat. You can get the next one." Since there probably wasn't going to be a next one, Jay didn't really see how this was fair. But he didn't want to get into an argument over it. This was already awkward enough without adding a scene on top of it. Why is that fat guy yelling at the other guy? One patron would ask another. I don't know. Maybe the other guy tried to steal his food? Stephen paid, grabbed a handful of the red and white mints Jay only saw at restaurants, and smiled in response to something the waitress said. In that moment, Jay had such a yearning for

Stephen that he couldn't draw a breath. Spending so much time with Stephen had been a mistake. Now he knew exactly what he was missing out on, and what he'd be missing out on every day for the rest of his life. He ducked out of the restaurant, desperate for a lungful of breath air. "Peppermint?" Stephen asked, once he joined Jay. "Sure." The tip of Stephen's finger just brushed against Jay's palm as he passed the candy over. Jay caught his breath a little, but tried to mask the startled sound with a quickly added, "Thanks." "You've helped out with Pride before, haven't you?" Stephen asked. "Yeah, I was on the committee my junior and senior years. I volunteered before that." "Any interest in helping out again this year? We could really use it, to be honest." Jay would eagerly volunteer his nonexistent time except for one thing. "Is that why you were speaking to Jeni?" "Yeah, she's on the committee this year." "I'm sorry, but I just don't have the time." "What about that week? Can I ask you to man a booth or two? Please?" Oh good. Public torture. But Stephen was asking nicely, and his blue eyes had such a lovely tint in the sunshine. "Yeah, I can probably do that." "Thanks. But just so you know, I wasn't trying to bribe you or anything with lunch." "What were you trying to do with lunch?" Stephen laughed. He had a maddening tendency to do that whenever Jay was being serious. He wasn't sure where that laughter came from, but it lacked an edge. Jay had heard plenty of derisive and mocking laughter in his life, and Stephen's was nothing like that. Jay was so caught up in the shine of Stephen's smile that he didn't look away in time, and Stephen's gaze shifted over in time to catch Jay's eye. His laughter faded, but his smile

didn't. Jay's heart slammed against his ribs once before settling back to its proper rhythm. "Thank you." "For volunteering? It's no big, I do every year." "No, for accompanying me. I've had a lot of fun today." "So have I." Jay finally looked away, unable to stand the force of Stephen's eyes. His perfectly sincere eyes. He didn't know what Stephen and Jeni had actually discussed, but he was stupid for thinking that Stephen had been laughing him. He wanted to apologize for being so stupid, like he'd insulted Stephen to his face. "I'm sorry I had to cut it short." "No, don't even worry about it. If you don't remind me, I'll just forget and I don't want you to fall behind on my account." By the time they reached Jay's car, they'd found the rhythm of their previous conversation. The afternoon traffic was light going back over the mountain, and Jay was more than a little disappointed when they reached the valley in just over twenty minutes. "Take the exit for 7th East. I'm just off 13th South." "Near the park?" "Yep. It's practically my front yard. Except for the giant six lane road between it and me." "Nice. It must be a great view." "It is. Would you like to come up and see it? I know you have work to do, but I promise I won't keep you long." He did have work to do. But what did that matter? He might as well get used to the fact that he'd go wherever Stephen wanted him to go and do whatever Stephen wanted him to do, regardless of any other plans he might have made. "Sure." Jay parked on the street just outside of Stephen's small home. It probably wasn't any bigger than Jay's seven-hundred-and-fifty square feet, but it was like the rest of the homes in the neighborhood--adorable and perfect. It was also the only house on the block painted a bright yellow. He expected Stephen to mention

it or explain that he wanted to repaint it, but he didn't even comment on the sunny color. He even had white shutters. It was just the sort of house Jay might have chosen for himself, but he was a gay literature student with a passion for flowery Victorian poetry, so it made sense for him to be enchanted by such a, well, girlish home. The interior was as sunny as the exterior, but a bit more fussy than he would have expected. "It's a condition of the rent," Stephen explained as Jay looked around. "I couldn't beat the price or the neighborhood. But the lady who owns the place said it was a historical landmark and I had to keep its condition more or less unchanged." "Um, so where do you live?" "In the back. Come on." The entryway and living room were in pristine condition, with gleaming hardwood floors and what looked to be handpainted wallpaper, with an exquisitely carved fireplace and black and white photographs in oval frames. There wasn't a speck of dust anywhere. But the back of the house showed far more signs of being lived in. The kitchen was cluttered with dishes, pans, boxes of cereal, and fruit. A room just off the side housed the television, computer, and a couch that pulled out into a futon. It was tiny, not much bigger than a closet. Jay was glad he didn't suffer from claustrophobia, but being in that small of a space with Stephen still shortened his breath. "This was the view I meant," Stephen said, gesturing at the window. "Come here and see." Jay had no choice but to try to navigate around the narrow space and fit his body between Stephen's and the wall so he could see out the thin pane of glass. It actually wasn't a great view. The traffic on the street blocked most of it, and he could only see a small corner of the park. Not that it mattered, since Stephen was standing right under his nose, easily within kissing distance. Jay inhaled, catching a hint of his shampoo--it smelled strongly of citrus. Much sweeter than Jay would have expected. All he wanted to do was bury his nose in the silky strands and close his eyes. He

couldn't trust his eyes not to give him away, so he looked out onto the busy street with far more interest than it warranted. "Jay?" "Yeah." "I didn't really invite you in to look out the window." "Oh. What did you invite me in for?" "You... didn't pick up on any of my... signals?" "You were sending signals?" Jay had no idea what Stephen was talking about now, and that made him distinctly uncomfortable. Social situations were usually just beyond his grasp, but this seemed completely beyond the boundaries of his reality. "What sort of signals?" "I... well... I thought this was... the two of us were... " "Having lunch?" Jay asked, his confusion mounting as Stephen became more uncomfortable. "No. Not having lunch. Oh, hell." Stephen grabbed him by the shirt and yanked him closer. "This is what I was trying to say, Jay." With that, he pressed his mouth to Jay's in a hard kiss. Shock washed over Jay in an icy bath, and instead of doing what he so desperately wanted to do, he froze. He went completely rigid, his brain trying to process the fact that Stephen was kissing him while his mouth refused to engage at all. One hand tightened into a fist at his side and the other hovered above Stephen's arm, though he couldn't quite bring himself to touch. He probably looked like a complete idiot. Stephen probably thought he was mentally deficient. Or didn't return his interest. The thought startled Jay into action. He could live with Stephen thinking he was an idiot and a shitty kisser, but he didn't want Stephen to get the impression that Jay didn't want him. Jay wanted him so badly it literally hurt. He opened to the kiss before Stephen could pull away, embarrassment clawing at his throat even as Stephen moaned and cupped the back of his head. Stephen's tongue briefly touched his, pulled back, and then brushed over his lips. The contact went directly to Jay's cock, which instantly

swelled to press against Stephen's thigh. Each subsequent touch of Stephen's tongue sent a dozen jolts of pleasure to his groin, until every muscle was clenched tight and he felt like he was going mad with it. Jay didn't know exactly where he found the boldness to slide his hand between their bodies, but as soon as he fingered Stephen's erection through his jeans, he knew the impulse had been the right one. He palmed Stephen's length, amazed that he was touching Stephen at all, overjoyed to be massaging his thick cock through the soft jeans. He wanted to do more than that. As soon as he touched Stephen, it was too much to ever hope for and not even close to enough. Stephen's mouth continued to move over his, still strange but growing more familiar. Jay was beginning to have a sense of how to respond, how to mold his lips over Stephen's perfectly, how to use his tongue to tease Stephen's and explore the curves of his mouth. Jay managed to pinch Stephen's zipper between his increasingly thick and clumsy fingers and pulled it down. Stephen's cock sprang from his pants, and his moan was low and appreciative when Jay fisted it. And God, God, he had Stephen's cock in his hand, Stephen's flesh throbbing against his palm, Stephen's slick pre-come wetting his fingers. Jay's knees turned to rubber, and his heart raced dangerously. Touching Stephen left him more breathless and light-headed than anything they did at the gym. Stephen's cock was long and thick, and Jay hadn't even had the chance to look at it yet, but he knew it was probably as beautiful as the rest of him. He'd never touched anything so hot, so smooth. His skin was softer than silk, and the bit of liquid at the tip was so warm and slick. It shouldn't have been like a revelation to Jay, who had more than ample experience with his own cock to understand the texture and the heat. But it was nothing like touching his own, and Jay couldn't stop himself from marveling at every blessed second of contact. He pumped his wrist slowly at first, dragging his palm from

the tip to the base and back again in long, measured gestures. Jay had to break away from Stephen's mouth to catch his breath, and as he looked at Stephen's shining lips and his bobbing Adam's apple, he realized he wanted to do more than just taste Stephen's mouth. Dropping to his knees wasn't an option. He was feeling bold, but not quite that bold, and besides, it wasn't exactly easy to get himself down and back up again in such a small space. But that was fine. He was more than happy to kiss Stephen's neck and his throat and collarbone. He pulled at Stephen's shirt, revealing more of his chest to lick and nibble. Jay hoped he was doing everything right. He tried to use Stephen's moans and soft sighs as a guide, repeating the motions that received the loudest sounds. Was it obvious that he had no idea what he was doing? What about his desperation? Was that as obvious as his inexperience? Of course it is, Jeni's voice quickly responded. He kissed you once and you grabbed his cock. Do you think that's how people normally behave? Jay gasped at the thought and tried to step back, releasing Stephen like he'd been burned. "I'm sorry. I... " "Fuck, Jay, please don't stop." In this confusing time, the right thing to do was whatever Stephen said to do. Jay re-established his grip on Stephen's cock and began stroking him again, pumping his wrist faster and faster, occasionally twisting his palm over the swollen head. Stephen clutched his shoulders, claiming Jay's mouth just in time to muffle a low groan. He rocked his hips, fucking Jay's hand and the urge to drop to his knees returned. He'd let Stephen fuck his mouth like that. "Oh, Jay, I'm going to come... oh... " His hips stuttered and Jay had just enough time to cup his palm over the slit, catching each shot of the thick, hot liquid. Stephen shuddered against him, dropping his head to Jay's shoulder to catch his breath as the last of the aftershocks rolled through him. "God." Jay stared at the back of Stephen's head, not quite ready to believe this even happened, despite the fact that Stephen's come

still coated his fingers. He could stand there all day holding Stephen, studying his hair and the shape of his shoulders and the slope of his spine. But all too soon Stephen was straightening and half twisting his body to snag a T-shirt that had been tossed onto the futon. "Here. You can use this to clean up." Jay nodded and took it, using the soft material to carefully wipe his fingers even though he would have rather licked it up. "Let's sit down and I'll return the favor. So to speak." Stephen wanted to give him a hand job? Jay hadn't even thought about Stephen touching him, much less touching him. Stephen offering like that was more than Jay could have ever hoped for, and it certainly wasn't anything less than Jay longed for. But in order for that to happen, he'd have to unzip his pants and get partially naked. Not completely naked, not for a simple wank, but he couldn't let Stephen see him without clothes. That wasn't even an option. He liked Stephen too much, and more importantly, he'd rather have the opportunity to touch Stephen again. "I... I can't. I'm sorry, I have to go." "What?" "I have to go," Jay repeated, his mouth dry. "I'm sorry, but I have to do... things... " "I won't keep you for the whole afternoon," Stephen promised. "Twenty, thirty minutes tops. Maybe forty-five." For a brief moment, Jay considered giving in and unzipping his pants. Another thirty minutes of kissing Stephen, of touching him, of being close to him? Jay couldn't think of anything more wonderful. But by that same token, the inevitable disgust on Stephen's face would be too much to bear. Not that he believed he was disguising himself completely with his clothes. Stephen clearly knew he wasn't attractive, but if he was willing to touch Jay just to return the favor, it wasn't necessary. "I have to go," Jay repeated, wondering if Stephen could tell how much the words cost him. "But I'll see you on Monday." "Yeah, okay." Stephen tucked himself back into his pants.

"I'll walk you out." "No, that's fine. Bye." Jay couldn't make his escape fast enough, and he didn't give Stephen another chance to argue that he should stay. His hands were trembling by the time he got to the car, and it took two attempts to even get the key in the ignition. His cock throbbed so hard he felt it in the back of his eyes. The slightest direct contact would be enough to make him burst. He couldn't stop thinking about the way Stephen enveloped his senses, the way it felt to stand so close to him and hold him and lick at his mouth. But those thoughts only sharpened the ache between his legs until Jay couldn't think about anything except that. He only lived a few miles to the north, but he was all turned around and couldn't get his head on straight. He went a good ten miles out of his way, but at least by the time he made it back to his apartment, the pain had faded and he could walk with a minimum amount of discomfort. Fortunately, Amy was in her room with the door shut when he returned home, so there were no obstacles between him and his own bedroom. He locked the door, undressed, and spread out on the bed. It probably took less than a minute to get himself off the first time. All he had to do was think about how Stephen's cock felt against his hand, and when he brought his palm up to his face, he could still smell the other man's sweat and come and the natural, slightly bitter scent of his skin. Come burst from him with enough force to hit his chest, but that wasn't enough to ease the ache in his balls. He jerked himself off a second time, moving much slower, giving himself enough time to consider Stephen's entire body, not just his gorgeous cock. When he was close to the breaking point, he let his fantasies change their shape a little. He thought about Stephen joining him on that bed, covering Jay's naked body, kissing him like he was dying for Jay's mouth. The scene in Jay's mind didn't make it far beyond that point before he finished again.

With his mind clear, Jay could admit that it would have been far more preferable to actually be with Stephen rather than just think about it. He wished he could have stayed in Stephen's little house all day, but he still felt he'd made the right decision. He definitely wanted Stephen to touch him, but since that would probably be the last thing they did together, Jay knew he could be patient.

Chapter 5

Monday was difficult. More difficult than Jay anticipated. He spent the first half of the day trying to concentrate in his 19th Century Novels seminar, but even though he'd done the reading, he found he had absolutely nothing to add to the conversation. Dr. Smith sent him a few questioning looks since he was usually the first person to volunteer his thoughts and always plunged into the debates with enthusiasm. He forced himself to take notes, trying to prove he could pay attention and not just swoon over Stephen like a teenage girl. But his notes were incomplete and in no way resembled the meticulous letters on the previous page. After class, he ate lunch without tasting the food and tried to grade a handful of papers, but mostly he just thought about Stephen. By the time he showed up at the GLBT Center, he'd spent at least ninety-five percent of his mental energy on Stephen, and he had no idea how he was supposed to get any work done while Stephen was in the same room. There was no sign of the other man anywhere when he arrived, much to Jay's disappointment and relief. It was getting complicated, the way all of his emotions just sprung to the surface and mingled in perplexing ways whenever he thought about Stephen. Maybe inhabiting the middle ground between terror and joy was just the state they described as love. Maybe love had nothing to do with happiness and everything to do with walking the fine line between holding somebody close and fleeing as far and as fast as possible from that person. Either way, Jay spent the first hour of his shift debating what he should say to Stephen, how he should say it, when he should say it, and if he should be smiling or not. He tried to reassure himself that there didn't have to be any

difference in the way they interacted, but Jay already felt a difference--a big one--before Stephen even returned. When he walked through the door, Jay might have heard a heavenly chorus. In that moment, Jay understood all the overwrought Victorian poetry he'd always been so partial to. His heart leapt in his throat when Stephen smiled at him. It wasn't just a casual greeting. It wasn't the sort of smile he bestowed on anybody else hanging out in the room. It was personal and pleased and clearly meant for Jay. He was happy to see Jay. As far as Jay knew, nobody ever looked forward to seeing him. Nobody had ever smiled at him like that, as though their entire day had turned around because Jay was present. And to think he had that sort of affect on Stephen... it just didn't seem possible. "Jay, can you step into my office for a second? I needed to go over this week's schedule with you." It wasn't a very good excuse. Jay had nothing to do with scheduling decisions, unless he couldn't cover the shifts he'd volunteered for. But nobody else seemed to notice when Jay used the terrible excuse to get up and follow Stephen into his office. He tried to train his features so he didn't look too much like an eager puppy dog. He didn't necessarily want Stephen to know that he inspired such strong emotions in Jay. He especially didn't want Stephen to know that he was both terrified and ecstatic, shy and so eager to touch Stephen that his fingers were already trembling. Just being near him was an intoxicating form of torture, the pain nourishing the pleasure, creating a heady cocktail. He wanted to reach for Stephen, but he waited, afraid that maybe he'd misunderstood the situation and Stephen really did want to discuss the schedule. Stephen reached behind him and pushed the lock on the door. Jay might have been unsure and shy, but he didn't need a more explicit invitation than that. Stephen never locked his door. He took Stephen by the shoulder and forgot to be afraid, pushing him back against the desk and kissing him desperately. Stephen grunted and parted his lips, his tongue diving into Jay's mouth with

unmistakable hunger. Jay felt his confidence growing by the second--as well as his desire and his cock. He pushed his hands through Stephen's hair, sighing with pleasure at the silky softness, plunged his tongue into Stephen's mouth, gripped him by the hip and pulled him closer, sought out every inch of bare skin he could reach. Stephen didn't resist him. He was pliant, responding to Jay's touch and his hard kisses, settling comfortably between Jay's body and the edge of his desk. "I thought you'd tell me no," Stephen said against his mouth. "Why?" "Because you beat a hasty retreat on Saturday." "I really had to read." Did he even read a single word on Saturday? He couldn't remember. He'd once been so focused, so good at remembering things, but now if he wasn't specifically thinking of Stephen, everything felt clouded and vague. "Sorry." "Don't apologize. God, Jay, you have no idea how good it feels to... I've been dying from loneliness." The reference to why Jay was even there to begin with wasn't quite an icy bucket of water, but it did act as a reminder that he needed to focus on Stephen's desires and not his own--though a part of Jay wondered why Stephen chose him specifically to take care of that loneliness. Maybe he figured Jay would just be happy to get what scraps he could get while Stephen kept his options open? Well, if that was the case, Stephen wasn't wrong. Jay was very happy to accept the scraps if it meant he didn't have to rely on his imagination for a little while at least. Jay didn't hesitate to tug Stephen's pants open, even though it wasn't very professional and somebody could knock on the door at any time. He didn't want to put Stephen at risk for losing his job, but he figured if that really was a possibility, Stephen would stop him. "Can you sit on the desk?" Jay asked. Stephen nodded, perching on the edge and leaning back to support himself on one hand. Now Jay had the chance to actually see Stephen's length, he didn't want to look away. He swiped his

thumb over the red crown, his mouth watering at the sight of the pre-come gleaming under the yellow lights. Jay fisted his length and bent his head, inhaling sharply. The smell was heady and rich, much stronger than the faint whisper that had lingered on Jay's fingers on Saturday. Jay filled his head with the musk and then took another deep breath, feeling like he might drown in it. He knew he'd never forget the scent or this moment. Stephen's fingers twisted in his short hair, and he looked up through his lashes to see Stephen staring at him, lips parted and swollen from their hard kisses, cheeks red. "Should we... do this here?" Jay asked, making one final effort at being a responsible adult. "We don't have to," Stephen said hoarsely. "You can stop if... if you'd rather not." "I don't want to stop," Jay assured him with complete honesty. He didn't know if Stephen meant for things to proceed so quickly or if he was revealing himself to be an overeager virgin, but he couldn't just be happy with kissing. He was too desperate. He wanted for too long, and couldn't take a single second for granted. He dipped his head again and blew a stream of air over the slick head, the hard flesh jerking in response. Taking a deep breath, Jay let his tongue slip between his lips and dance over the smooth skin. The texture made him whimper, and the taste felt like a thousand tiny explosions on his tongue. It was salty and bitter at the same time, musky like Stephen's scent, and it seemed sweet to him. One taste wasn't enough. He dragged his tongue over the swollen flesh again and again, lingering between each slow lap, rubbing the flat of his tongue right over the slit. Pre-come dripped into Jay's mouth, and he had to follow the drops that escaped him. He sucked the tip between his lips, then moved lower and lower, taking inch after lovely inch into his mouth. "God, Jay... you don't have to... oh fuck... " Jay knew he didn't have to, but he sure as hell wanted to. He relaxed his jaw and swallowed as much of Stephen as he could, moving the ring of his lips nearly to the base of Stephen's shaft

before he had to stop. He loved the weight against his tongue, loved how it felt when the top slid over the roof of his mouth. He was careful not to let his teeth catch on the sensitive skin. He hollowed his cheeks, sucking until Stephen groaned and dropped his head back. His fingers still worked through Jay's hair, alternately twisting the strands and then smoothing them down. Jay angled his head so he could take even more of the shaft, wishing he could take Stephen all the way down his throat. He couldn't quite make it, though he did try. As soon as Stephen's crown brushed the back of his throat, it triggered his gag reflex. He pulled away, swirled his tongue around Stephen's crown until he licked the salty liquid away from his skin, and then moved back down his shaft. Jay made up for the fact that he couldn't take every bit by fisting Stephen's base and moving his wrist in time with his mouth. Jay closed his eyes, shutting out everything that wasn't directly related to Stephen's cock. All that mattered was the thin, heated skin, the throbbing muscle, the smooth liquid flowing over the back of his tongue, and Stephen's tiny, encouraging whimpers. Jay wished this could be his job. He would dedicate every waking second to pleasing Stephen, and that would be its own reward. He wouldn't make any money, but he wasn't making any money now and he was really beginning to resent the way school cut into his time with Stephen. Whenever Stephen wanted or needed something, he would only have to ask, until Jay learned all his needs. And then he wouldn't even have to bother with vocalizing his desires, Jay would simply anticipate them. As impractical as the thought was, it refused to dislodge itself from his brain. Jay had no choice but to give in and indulge the fantasy while he moved his mouth in a faster rhythm, sucking harder with each downward stroke. "God, your mouth... I can't even... don't stop. Just don't stop," Stephen whispered, each word sending a new shiver down Jay's spine. He'd never heard Stephen quite like this. He always spoke with an easy control, but now his voice was tight and his throat

sounded sore. It gave Jay hope that Stephen would at least want a repeat performance. Maybe that evening after they went to the gym? Maybe in the locker room? They could both fit in one of the bathroom stalls. Jay would find a way to make it work if it meant getting his mouth around Stephen's cock again. Or maybe back at Stephen's place? The fact that he had a futon for a bed would make it easier for Jay to escape after Stephen finished, and that way he could prolong this for one more night. "Jay... I'm close... you should... you can... stop if you want." He was not going to stop. He would take a mouthful of come. But he was not going to stop. He wasn't going to let one second of their time together go to waste. What if Stephen didn't want him to do this again? Then he would probably regret not swallowing his come when he had the chance. He tightened his grip on Stephen's shaft and moved faster. He was rewarded for the extra effort within seconds, Stephen biting the back of his hand while his hips shot forward. The salty liquid flooded his mouth, and it was all Jay could do to force himself to swallow, the temperature and texture both striking him as something quite unpleasant, even though the flavor didn't bother him. He could get used to it, though. If he had to. If Stephen would give him the chance. Jay let his mouth linger on Stephen's cock even though his back was starting to ache from his awkward angle. He licked at the skin, cleaning it of the last of the sticky fluid, and tried to compose himself. His groin was so tight that it almost brought tears to eyes. Jay had never in his life suffered from such a case of blue balls. It made Saturday's pain seem like a slightly uncomfortable twinge in comparison. How he was going to walk out of that room and sit at his desk like everything was perfectly normal, he didn't know. It would probably be the hardest thing he'd ever done in his life. "I better get out there before anybody misses me," Jay said, straightening. "I think you're safe for a few more minutes." Jay shook his head. "There's nobody out there to answer the phone."

"The phone's not ringing." "I meant, in case it does." Stephen stood and zipped his pants. "I think people might notice if you go out there like that." Jay looked down, not surprised to see his pants tented so far in front of him. He couldn't remember the last time he'd had an erection like that. All he wanted to do was unzip his pants and steal a few seconds of relief. His hand unconsciously drifted to his fly, and Stephen's eyes widened slightly. He stilled, dropped his hand again, realized he would have to be a completely different person to do that. Even if the alternative was to deal with a huge, painful boner. "It's not too far to my desk," Jay muttered. "I should be okay." "Jay... " "Yeah?" "Are we going to the gym tonight?" "I planned on it." He even brought his gym clothes. "Good. I might be a little bit late because I have a phone call at four-thirty. Wait for me?" "Yeah, no problem." "Are you sure you don't want to let me take care of that?" Stephen asked. Jay nodded. He appreciated the offer more than Stephen could know. He wished he could just explain to him that he didn't have to worry about it. "I'm sure." He checked both ways when he opened the door, relieved to see that the room was mostly empty. He was able to slip over to his desk without attracting any attention, but no amount of adjusting himself beneath the desk could ease the pain in his groin. Jay wondered how many times they could do this before he drove himself insane. At least nobody ever actually died from blue balls, although Jay fully understood why teenage boys believed they might. Anything that hurt like this must be terminal.

**** Jay didn't have the chance to blow Stephen at the gym, much to their joint disappointment. The weight room wasn't exactly the chamber of horrors that Jay remembered, especially when it was his turn to spot Stephen and he didn't have to worry about Stephen catching him staring. Given how eager he was to do unspeakable things to Stephen's body, he thought he could deal with Jay openly appreciating his body. And he did appreciate it. A great deal. He couldn't believe that Stephen hadn't been born with that perfect physique. When their hour was finally up, Stephen followed him into the locker room, chattering about the best way to lift weights and the different theories about how the human body responded to that sort of exercise. Jay did his best to listen politely, despite his impatience to get out of the damp, itchy sweats. Finally, he had no choice but to leave Stephen in mid-sentence and mid-strip, grabbing his clothes and ducking into what he was beginning to think of as his stall. Stephen was waiting for him when he emerged, a thoughtful look on his face. "So if I invite you out to the movies, are you going to tell me you have to read the collected works of Shakespeare by tomorrow morning?" Jay grinned. "No. What were you thinking?" "I think The Other Guys is still playing at Brewvies. If we had head over there now, it'll probably still be pretty quiet. We could have most of the theater to ourselves." Jay had no quibbles with that plan. "We could get dinner there, too. The food isn't great, but it's edible." "I know, I spent a lot of time there this summer. I'm sort of in love with their nachos." "They're really good, right? It's because they don't skimp on the cheese." "Or the guacamole. I hate places that only give you like a tablespoon of the stuff." "I'm also a big fan of their fries," Jay admitted. "I'm not sure

what they do different. Maybe they take the time to hand cut them." "I wish more movie theaters served beer and nachos. I bet more people would go to the movies then." "Yeah, if only because people wouldn't bring their kids to an establishment that served booze." "Exactly. It's pretty much a win for everybody. You mind driving again?" "Not at all." Jay would have liked to shower before going on any sort of date--was this a date? Was it? Jay wished he could just ask. They'd already been intimate twice and didn't Stephen imply that their lunch on Saturday was a date? That meant this probably was to. He was going on a date with Stephen McNeil. How could this not be an elaborate practical joke? Somebody must have been waiting in the wings to pull the rug out from under him, because this sort of thing didn't happen to people like him. But it was happening, and he still had the taste of Stephen's come in his mouth to prove it. In that case, he should have insisted on going home first and showering. He was probably more disgusting than usual, and that wasn't the sort of impression he wanted to make on Stephen. He'd have to make more of an effort to keep his distance, even though the distance he already carefully held between them was killing him by inches. Even though Brewvies was on the other side of town, it usually didn't take more than ten minutes to get there from the University. Salt Lake wasn't exactly a big city. But they'd managed to hit the worst of the downtown congestion, which worked out in Jay's favor because it gave him an additional fifteen minutes of Stephen's company, which they filled with idle chatter that didn't mean anything and somehow meant everything all at once. Until Stephen casually dropped a bomb in his lap. "How many boyfriends have you had? Any jealous exes I should know about?" Jay laughed. "Jealous exes?"

"Yeah." "Have you been attacked by jealous exes before?" "It's been known to happen." "Really?" "Sure. Everybody has their baggage. Sometimes their baggage happens to be crazy and possessive." "I don't have any." "Crazy ones?" Jay licked his lips and stared at the red light ahead of them. "I mean, I don't have any." "Ah." Ah? Ah what? Jay thought it was obvious that he'd never had a boyfriend, so why did Stephen have to bring it up at all? Just so Jay would have to say it out loud? He didn't exactly need the reminder that Stephen was probably slumming it. His good mood crashed at that, and he immediately began thinking of ways to get out of the date. He couldn't use homework as an excuse. Maybe he could text Amy and have her call him. Stephen was pretty smart, though. He might be suspicious if Jay's roommate just happened to have an emergency when Jay very clearly wanted to escape. "Jay?" "What?" "It's okay." Jay risked glancing over, surprised to see that Stephen was looking at him with obvious concern. "What's okay?" "That you haven't had a boyfriend before. If you're upset because I asked, then I'm sorry. I didn't mean to... offend you or anything." "I'm not offended. Or upset. Don't worry about it." "Okay... but I can see that you are. Whenever I say something you don't like, you clam up and start looking around, like you want an escape route." Jay didn't know what to say to that. An outright denial didn't seem like a good strategy, since Stephen probably wouldn't accept it. "I'm not offended. It's just... "

"What?" Stephen prompted. "Tell me. If you don't, I'll keep putting my foot in my mouth." "I just... don't know why you even asked." "I don't understand." "It seemed like a pretty pointless question, that's all." "Why was it a pointless question?" Jay sighed. Stephen was really going to make him say it then. Fine. He didn't know what Stephen was playing at, but if he wanted to have this conversation, then Jay would go along with it. "Because you already knew the answer." "I didn't already know the answer. That's why I asked." Jay snorted. "Yeah, right. Like it's not perfectly obvious. I've never had a boyfriend, Stephen. Or... or anything else." "I see." "Yeah," Jay muttered as the light turned green. He made a left and pulled into the theater's parking lot, wishing more than ever that he could just go away. Somewhere far away. "Jay, I really didn't ask to upset you." "Okay. We better hurry, the movie is supposed to start in five minutes." "For what it's worth, it wasn't perfectly obvious to me." Jay nodded, but the words essentially went in one ear and out the other. "I mean it. You're what, twenty-four? Twenty-five? Why wouldn't you have ex-boyfriends?" "Okay, Stephen, I get it. It was a perfectly legit question. I answered it. Now let's go inside." Jay's heart thudded painfully. "Okay. Let's go inside." A dividing wall split the bar into two uneven spaces. To the left was the bar itself, two pool tables, and several tables, to the right was the cash register and concession stand--which had the standard popcorn, Whoppers and seven different types of beer on tap. The Other Guys was playing in the closest of the two theaters, and their plan to beat the crowd was surprisingly effective, since there was nobody else there.

"One of the couches?" Stephen asked. Jay shrugged, not even thinking about the possibility of snuggling on the small, well-worn sofa placed in the back of the theater. He barely noticed when Stephen sat close enough to touch his thigh, thinking it was probably just that the couch was too small for both of them to sit comfortably. Within moments of settling in, the houselights went down and the projector clicked to life just above and behind them. With Stephen's attention on the screen and the darkness settling around them, Jay felt some of his earlier humiliation ease. It was always so easy to see bad intentions in the heat of the moment, even when it made far more sense to give Stephen the benefit of the doubt. Once again Jay wanted to apologize, though he had nothing tangible to apologize for. He was too caught up in his own thoughts to pay attention to the movie or to what Stephen was doing. Subsequently, he damned near jumped out of his skin when Stephen's fingers crept over his lap. "What are you... " Jay's breath caught in his throat as Stephen tugged at his fly, making it perfectly clear what he was doing. Jay wasn't hard until Stephen had his zipper pulled down. By the time he pushed his hand into Jay's pants, his cock was rigid and straining for attention, jerking in anticipation a split second before Stephen's fingers wrapped around his length. "Stephen, what are you doing? You could get us thrown out." "Shh, nobody's going to throw us out." "But what if somebody walks in? There could be latecomers or... " Stephen leaned over, putting his mouth so close to Jay's ear that he could feel the shape of the words on his lips. "I'll stop if you really, really want me to. Tell me you really want me to stop, Jay." "I don't... " "Doesn't this feel nice?" Jay nodded mutely, knowing he didn't need to speak. Stephen's movements were restricted by his Jay's pants, but that

didn't stop him from establishing a steady rhythm. He leaned closer and closer until he was half covering Jay's chest, his hard cock pressed to Jay's thigh. Jay naturally reached between their bodies to palm him, but Stephen shifted forward, blocking Jay's hand. "No." "But... " "I know. But just relax." Jay couldn't do anything except comply. Stephen's hand was hot and tight, fingers rough and gentle at the same time. And so, so different from Jay's own hand. All of the nights he'd tried to imagine what it would be like to feel another man touch him had just been a waste of time. His fantasies had never come close to this. Every brush of Stephen's fingers was unexpected, every twist of his wrist a new delight. Pre-come covered him, making his flesh slick under Stephen's touch, which only aided his quick, sharp jerks. Jay dropped his head back, all of his earlier tension draining from him, pleasure rushing in to flood the newly hollowed spaces inside of him. He bit his hand to muffle his moans, his teeth sinking into the soft flesh at the base of his thumb. Since he couldn't touch Stephen, he didn't know what to do with his hands. Stephen's breath was hot against his ear, heavy and excited, impossibly loud despite the speakers booming around them. The sound of Stephen's arousal almost did more for him than the friction on his cock--and the friction on his cock was the most exquisite sensation he'd ever experienced. "God, I wish I could see your cock, it feels so good." Jay tensed at that, but Stephen refused to give him an opportunity to dwell on the thought. As much as he may have wanted to, Jay simply couldn't focus on anything besides the twist of Stephen's palm over his crown. He jerked his hips, his thighs and stomach tightening as the tingling at the base of his spine grew more intense. "Do you know how much I want you?" Jay shook his head, because he didn't know, because it was a

lie. But... But if Stephen didn't want him, why take him to the movies and shove his hand down Jay's pants? And if he didn't want Jay, why would he say it? What if he just took Stephen's word for it? "We'll go back to your place after this and I'll show you," Stephen promised. "I'll use my mouth and... " That was it. That was all Jay needed to hear. The thought of him using his mouth on any part of his body was too much for him to take. He tried to choke out a warning, but the words wouldn't come fast enough and Stephen didn't appear to care, anyway. He must have sensed the growing tension beneath Jay's skin, and he quickened his pace until everything erupted all at once. Jay couldn't stop himself from crying out, but the sound was lost in a barrage of gunfire. Stephen slowed, but didn't stop, milking Jay's orgasm for as long as he could, until he was just smearing the sticky come over his softening cock. "Here," Jay said, handing Stephen his stack of napkins. "Thanks." Stephen kissed Jay's neck before taking them from him. The brief press of lips to skin burned him, and even though he was floating on the endorphin rush of his orgasm, it was that small kiss that settled in his chest and radiated warmth like a small, pulsing star. "I'm going to go get cleaned up." "Okay." The bathroom was on the other side of the building and there were more people milling around, queuing up for the other movie, but Jay walked quickly and kept his head down, avoiding making eye contact with anybody before ducking into the bathroom. He cleaned himself and his pants as well as he could, washed his hands, splashed water in his face, and stared at himself in the mirror. If Stephen did want him, he couldn't think of a single reason to explain it. But there were many things Jay didn't understand about the world, that didn't make any of it less true. Stephen took him by the hand as soon as he returned and

tugged him down to the sofa. When their mouths touched, his lips were a little spicy and sweet from the salsa, and Jay caught a hint of alcohol on his breath. He didn't hesitate to respond, happily following Stephen's lead. They only paused occasionally after that for a breath or a drink. It wasn't long before they were both hard again, but other than grinding against each other, they didn't do anything about that. This, Jay realized as Stephen's tongue slid into his mouth, wasn't about getting off. It was slow and careful, thorough and soft. Introductory almost. As if Stephen wanted to show him everything he couldn't say.

Chapter 6

"This is a nice place. Live here alone?" "No." Jay shut the door behind Stephen and absently turned the lock. "I have a roommate. My friend, Amy." "Is she in grad school, too?" "She's studying to get her teacher's credential right now. And... I don't think she's here." Stephen waggled his eyebrows. "So we have the place to ourselves?" "Yes. Would you like the tour?" "Please." "Well, as you can see, this is the living room where we watch television and take our meals." He nodded at the table in the center of what the apartment brochure generously called the dining room. "What do you use that for then?" "Nothing really. It's just sort of taking up space. Now, if you'll follow me, we have the kitchen next." "Wow, it's not bad for an apartment this size." Stephen half stepped inside and eyed Amy's set of expensive Calphalon pans, which she had rather inexplicably received from her mother the previous Christmas. As far as Jay knew, Amy didn't eat anything that couldn't be microwaved. If she knew how to cook, she'd kept that fact hidden for the past three years. "I'm too scared to use the kitchen at my place. That stove is at least twenty years older than I am. Plus, I don't have any good pans." "I never cook. I'm not very good at it. I basically know how to make macaroni and cheese," Jay admitted. "My mom taught me how to cook."

"You any good at it?" "Pretty good. I could make you dinner tomorrow night, if you'd like." "I don't really have anything to make." Stephen smiled. "I'll bring the food. You provide the pans. Deal?" "Deal." "Good. You are in for a treat. What's left on the tour?" "The first door on the left here is Amy's room. This here is the bathroom. And this"--Jay flipped on the bedroom light--"is my room. As you can see, it's pretty much just your standard issue room." At least it was mostly clean, and the bed was made with fresh sheets. Amy had washed all the linen the night before, probably out of guilt. Or maybe she was tired of not having any clean towels. His books made up the bulk of the clutter. There were piles everywhere--to the unknowing eye, it all looked very random, but Jay had a system worked out after years and years of having more books than time. There were stacks dedicated to books he needed to read for school, books that just looked interesting, books that people suggested, books he should read but never found the time for. The piles were all in a specific order, which was too elaborate and arcane to even begin to describe. "Your bed is huge." "No, it's normal, it just looks big because the room is so small." "I'm going to need a closer look." "You... " Jay swallowed. "You really want a closer look?" Stephen nodded. "I do. Not that my living room, my office, and the movie theater wasn't great. But I'm at the point in my life where I like to take my time on a nice, comfortable bed." But he'll see. That was all Jay could think about. It overwhelmed every other thought and feeling, even the flood of arousal at the possibility of getting Stephen naked and stretched out, beautiful and spread before him like a banquet. But to do that,

he'd have to keep the light on. And if he kept the light on, then Stephen would see him, or at least think it quite strange that Jay refused to remove his clothes. "Jay?" "I... I don't know... " "Hey, it's okay if you don't want to. I didn't mean to be so pushy. I just thought... well... Never mind. I am being pushy." "No, it's not that," Jay said quickly. "It's just... I don't have very much, well, experience. And I... I mean, I really like you." Which not only sounded lame, it completely failed to convey anything Jay meant. Not surprising since Jay wasn't even sure what he meant. At least he hadn't accidentally blurted that he loved Stephen. And was beginning to feel like he'd loved Stephen his whole life. "I like you, too, Jay. And if you want me to go, I'll call it a night. It's getting late, anyway." "I don't want you to go." The whole problem summed up in six simple words. He didn't want Stephen to go and he would bend over backward to keep Stephen there and happy. He didn't expect anything in return, didn't want Stephen to do anything he didn't want to do, but now he had absolutely no idea of what Stephen did and didn't want. Stephen stretched out on the bed, patting the mattress beside him before pillowing his head in his hands. At first, Jay was too confused to move, but Stephen simply watched him, waiting patiently while Jay worked out his options. Finally, he joined him, mimicking Stephen's pose with his arms behind his head, his eyes studying the smooth ceiling. Silence crawled over them like spiders, and Jay forced himself to remain still even though he felt more uncomfortable by the second. "Jay, you need to relax." "I am relaxed." "No, I can feel you. You're ready to spring off this bed if I so much as brush your arm. Do I stress you out?" "No. I don't know. This is hard for me, Stephen. I don't know

what any of this means, or what I should do, or what you want. I'm not even sure what's happening, and I don't want to fuck everything up just because I'm being stupid." Jay hadn't meant to say all of that--or any of it, really. "It's not a test, Jay. You don't have to have all the answers. Or any of the answers, for that matter. I'm not... judging you. I just want to spend time with you." "I know. But... it is a little stressful. Because I like spending time with you, too. But I don't really know why you want to spend time with me, so I don't know... how I should be." "How you should be? You should just be you, since you're the one I want to spend time with." "But... why?" "Because I like you." "That doesn't answer my question, Stephen. I mean, what is there to like?" Stephen took a deep breath, and Jay realized the tactical error he'd just committed. Why not just tell Stephen he was basically a mental basket case and send him running now? It would be a more direct route and probably save Stephen from wasting too much time. "There's your smile, which I don't get to see as much as I want, but it lights up the whole room. There's the fact that you have more volunteer hours than anybody else at the Center, and I'm pretty sure that you're the only one who does it because it's the right thing to do, not because you're trying to impress somebody or flesh out your CV. Do you remember what you did my first week at work?" He stared at Stephen. That was all. Every day, every chance he got, he stared at Stephen because he'd never seen anybody so beautiful. "No." "I was overwhelmed and exhausted, and by the end of the week, I was convinced there'd been a mistake. Maybe they didn't mean to hire me. Maybe I shouldn't have accepted the offer. I was trying to figure out how to return to Phoenix and save face because

I knew I was never going to make it here. And you stayed with me on Friday night after everybody else disappeared to help me clean up and get everything done. You were the only one, Jay." "It wasn't anything special, Stephen. You needed help." "It was special to me. I don't know what I would have done without you. That could have been the worst night of my life, and you were there, making me laugh, seeing to all the little things that I didn't even know were my responsibility. And the next Monday, I spent the whole morning waiting for you." Stephen rolled onto his side and propped his head on his hand. "I wanted to ask you out then." "You did?" "Yeah, of course. But... I couldn't really tell if you were interested. Then when you started showing up at the gym, I thought maybe, well it's silly, but I thought you might be there to see me." "I... I was. You were right about that," Jay admitted, halfwincing as he did so. Stephen's smile was quick and broad. "I'm glad to hear that. I couldn't tell if I was just forcing my attention on you or not." "When?" "Now. Every day. Sometimes when we're talking, I feel like we have a real connection. And other times, you're just really... distant." "I don't mean to be. But sometimes I get scared." Stephen reached out and touched the side of Jay's neck. It was the same spot he'd kissed earlier, and the same hot thrill went through Jay at the contact. He took a deep breath and leaned into Stephen's fingers, aching for the contact like he'd been waiting for it all day. "Scared of what?" "I don't know." "Scared that I won't want to do this anymore?" Stephen dipped his head and tenderly kissed the corner of Jay's mouth. "Yes. Imagine if you basically failed every math class you

ever took. Then one day, for some reason, you find yourself in calculus, and instead of failing the first test spectacularly, you get an A. Then you get another A, and another. If you don't know how or why it's happening, wouldn't you be afraid of fucking it up and failing another math class?" "Yeah, I suppose I would be. But what you're describing... it's not just you, Jay. Everybody gets scared when it comes to this sort of thing. If somebody claims they've never been afraid of their feelings, they're lying." "But it's not the same. I get what you're saying about being afraid of your feelings, but that's not what really scares me. Because if I do fuck this up I... I'm not going to get another shot, am I? It's different for you." "I know why you think that way, Jay, but it's not true." "I don't even know how you can say that with a straight face," Jay said with more than a trace of bitterness. "You told me that you started working out so you could get laid more often. You know you could snap your fingers and have anybody else you wanted." "Okay, look, being closer to everybody's ideal does get me laid. But let's clear a few things up here. First, I don't want anybody else. If I wanted somebody else, I wouldn't be here having this conversation with you. Second, I don't know exactly what you see when you look in the mirror, but at this point, I'm sure it's not the same thing I see when I look at you. Finally, this isn't a math class and I think you would have to do something pretty egregious to fuck things up now." "How egregious?" "Really egregious. Like getting a job at Halliburton or making me sit through High School Musical again." "Again? You've seen it once?" "Yes. I had a date with a guy who really wanted me to watch his favorite movie of all time." "Oh, my God. Are you serious?" "As a heart attack. He knew all the lines, sang along with all

the songs, and wanted me to get excited over the good parts." "He does know it's a musical. About high school students." "Yeah, he seemed to understand the plot. It was the most painful night of my life." "Did you at least get lucky?" "Are you kidding? I walked out before the final number. I couldn't stick around after that, I don't care how hot the guy is." "How hot was he?" Stephen sighed dramatically. "Supernova hot. But I made it a rule a long time ago not to fuck anybody I didn't want to have coffee with." "Given what I know of my peers, that's an unbelievably high standard." "What can I say? I'm old-fashioned." He ran his hand up Jay's chest and over his shoulder, then back along the same path. "Do you want to have coffee with me in the morning?" "Yes, I do." Stephen smiled his crooked smile. "Good." Jay knew Stephen would kiss him, and at this point, he was pretty familiar with the shape of his mouth, the feel of his lips and tongue, the taste of him, the heat. Not used to it, not by any means, but familiar. But this kiss was wholly new, and instead of shocking Jay into paralysis, every part of him responded. His heart surged and his groin pulled tight. He wrapped his arm around Stephen, intent on pulling him closer, but somehow he ended up with Stephen on top of him, the hard length of his cock pressed into Jay's stomach. Jay buried one hand in Stephen's hair and clasped his ass with the other. His muscles flexed beneath Jay's palm every time he moved his hips, grinding himself against Jay in slow, maddening circles. Even if Jay wasn't inclined to believe everything Stephen said, he had to believe Stephen's body. It responded so quickly to every touch, as though Jay's fingers carried an electric charge. Stephen couldn't fake that sort of reaction, nor the undeniable evidence poking at Jay's abdomen.

Stephen broke from the kiss, gasping for breath as he tugged his shirt overhead. Jay helped as best as he could, fumbling and clumsy in his excitement to touch Stephen's bare skin. His knuckle brushed over Stephen's nipple, and the flesh hardened almost instantly. Stephen's shoulders sloped back as he pushed into Jay's touch, and the flush on his face spread down his throat. Jay wiped his thumb back and forth over the peak until Stephen was jerking his hips with each brush. He didn't have a plan, wasn't thinking at all about what he was doing. His thumb and forefinger closed around the skin and Stephen nearly yelped. "Oh, shit, do that again." Jay circled the other nipple with his thumb, over and over and over until Stephen's shoulders relaxed again. Then he pinched the swollen flesh on the left side. Stephen grunted, his whole frame shaking. Jay was so caught up in watching the pleasure on his face that he missed Stephen unzipping his pants until a low sigh of relief brought his attention downward. Stephen's cock jutted from his pants, stiff and proud. He stroked himself absentmindedly, and Jay was quite certain it was the sexiest thing he'd ever seen. The tan on Stephen's hand was several shades darker than his cock, and every time he slid his wrist back to expose his flushed crown, Jay just wanted to kiss it. Stephen reached for Jay's shirt with his free hand, tugging on the hem. Jay felt a mild tingle of discomfort at the first few inches, but by the time Stephen had exposed his entire stomach, Jay grasped his hand, forcing him to stop. "Jay?" "I... I'm sorry. It was silly. Habit. That's all. You can keep going." "Will you feel better if I turn off the lights?" Jay swallowed and nodded. "Yeah... I think so. Sorry." Stephen shook his head. "Don't apologize. I did tell you not to let me get too pushy. I don't want to do anything you're not ready for." He stood at that and pushed his pants down his hips, allowing

Jay a full, unhindered view of his body. He had just enough time to brand the image to his memory before Stephen flicked off the light, plunging the room into darkness only broken by the soft glow of the digital clock. "I hope I can make it back to the bed without hitting one of your book towers." "You should be fine if you walk straight ahead." "Okay, I'll take your word on that. I'm going to walk very slowly, though, so you have time to get rid of those clothes." Jay's stomach clenched, but he still removed his shirt, toed off his shoes, and pushed his pants down to the foot of the bed. "Ready?" Stephen asked. "Yes." Stephen's weight immediately settled over him, his knees straddling Jay's thighs. Their chests slid together, inundating Jay with too many sensations to process quickly. There was the smoothness of his skin, which Jay had anticipated, but also the soft sprinkling of hair, the sharp ridge of Stephen's muscles, the heat-God, the heat. Stephen felt like he was burning from the inside out, and those flames only seemed to spread when their mouths met. "See?" Stephen said against his mouth. "This is much nicer." It was. Infinitely better. Than anything. It was the best thing that a human being could ever hope to experience. There were how many millions of nerve endings in the body? And the only way to stimulate them all at once, the only way to awaken them into joyful awareness, was to do this. Slide together, move with each other, hold each other close and kiss until they were both breathless. Nothing they'd done together up to this point could compare with the satisfaction of that contact, but even as Jay reflected on how perfect it was, he wanted something more. He needed something more, and his body throbbed with that need. Without thinking, he rolled Stephen onto his back, eager to pin Stephen beneath him. "Is this okay?" Jay asked, acutely aware of how held himself and where the bulk of his weight was distributed. "Better than okay," Stephen said, reaching between their

bodies to fist his cock. He pumped his fist, pulling Jay closer, forcing him to settle more evenly on top of him. "Can I ask you a question?" "You can ask me anything you want." "Have you ever thought about fucking anybody? Or letting somebody fuck you?" "I... I guess I've thought about both. But I didn't even think I'd get to this point so I never thought about it a lot." "Well, think about it." Stephen resumed pumping his wrist, his fingers tight and his palm slick. "Let me know what you decide." "When?" "Whenever you decide. However long that takes." Jay wanted to think about it right that second, but imagining himself sinking into Stephen's tight ass while Stephen was actually jerking him off proved a dangerous combination. He had to replace the far-too-pleasant image with one of Jeni's face to cool his ardor and reinstate his self-control. "What do you want to do?" "I don't want to influence your decision." "How would you do that?" "Well, if I stated a preference either way, you might find yourself more inclined to agree to what I want. I don't want to risk it." "What if I stated a preference, and it was the opposite of what you like?" "That's exactly the sort of thing I don't want you to worry about. Now, I think we're talking too much." "You're the one who started talking first." "Ah, you're right. Well, sorry about that." Jay drove his hips forward, thrusting against Stephen's hand. They both moaned, and Jay couldn't help but do it again. But he wanted to feel more than Stephen's palm. He shifted his hips, grinding down against Stephen's erection. Stephen released Jay's shaft long enough to wrap his long fingers around both of their cocks, pressing their hot flesh together. Jay shivered, the base of

his spine tingling with renewed energy. He kissed a trail away from Stephen's mouth, licking at his throat and nibbling on the flesh near his shoulder. Every inch tasted different and the same, every second stretching into a blissful eternity. Stephen made the softest sounds in the back of his throat when he was pleased. Sounds that could have almost been just Jay's imagination, but for the way Stephen's throat vibrated against Jay's lips. They pushed and pulled each other into a regular, perfect rhythm, their bodies almost moving as one and what would it be like to fuck Stephen? It would have to be more breathtaking than this, and Jay already felt like he'd never catch his breath again. But he wouldn't just feel the glorious flex of Stephen's body beneath him, it would be around him as well, muscles squeezing with each slow stroke. Stephen's mouth was busy as Jay's, though he seemed particularly interested in exploring the tender skin just beneath Jay's chin. He nibbled at it until Jay almost felt raw, then soothed the scraped surface with his tongue, soft words shaping his lips. Jay couldn't hear everything Stephen said, but he caught enough to make his chest tighten. "God, you feel good. I love the way you... " Stephen's compliment was lost in a gasp as Jay angled his neck to catch Stephen's nipple with his teeth. "Do that. Oh fuck... oh... " Jay dragged his tongue over Stephen's nipple until his skin was good and wet. His incisor caught against the sensitive flesh, and Stephen's entire body pull taut, his hips rolling. "I'm going to come if you keep doing that." "Sort of the goal, isn't it?" "I want to feel you come, Jay. I want you to shoot all over me." "Stephen... " "I'm going to get my mouth on your cock sooner or later. Hopefully sooner." Stephen lost his words again as Jay bit his nipple, using more pressure than he dared before. He held the tip securely and flicked his tongue back and forth over the skin until Stephen was squirming and writhing beneath him, his hand moving

as erratically as the rest of him. "Was there more to that story?" "Yes," Stephen gasped. "A pearl necklace was the point of that story." "You want me to... " "Yes." It sounded fantastic in theory, and Jay was sure he'd like it, but he felt a small pang of jealousy over the fact that Stephen was so sure of what he wanted. How or why he'd developed his tastes, Jay couldn't even begin to guess. Maybe his first lover had liked to shoot his come all over him? Jay would most likely be shaped the same way by Stephen's various tastes and kinks, but that seemed like a fine price to pay. Or maybe it was more like a bonus. He wasn't going to try to compare himself to Stephen just so he could figure out all the ways he was lacking, but he did wish he knew exactly what he liked, what he wanted from Stephen. "Are you close?" Stephen rasped, back lifting from the bed, his wrist moving faster and faster, palm slick over their combined pre-come. Jay felt like he must have leaked a gallon when Stephen said the words "pearl necklace." "I'm so close... so... so... " Jay broke first, his cock jerking against Stephen's. Seconds later, Stephen's come splashed against his cock, creating a big, sticky mess. Stephen pumped his wrist, spreading the warm liquid until Jay moaned and tried to pull away, too sensitive for the continued friction. "Do you have anything for this mess?" Stephen asked, still sounding a little winded. "Wait." He reached over without thinking about it and turned on the bedside lamp. The golden light was soft enough not to hurt his eyes. He found the box of tissues just under his bed and passed them over before collapsing against the pillows. Stephen seemed to glow in the low light. Jay couldn't stop his soft sigh of contentment. Stephen looked up and smiled at the sound of it, inspiring a fresh flush of heat over Jay's skin. "If I lay down, are you going to let me fall asleep?" Stephen

asked. "Mmm, probably." "It's almost eleven. I've got to head home soon." The words would have been more disappointing if Stephen hadn't seemed genuinely despondent by that. "I know. But you're coming over tomorrow, right?" "Yes, I am. What time is good for you?" "Probably seven. Then I can get some stuff done and clear my schedule." "Okay. Seven it is." Stephen finished wiping himself clean, then reached for the hastily abandoned shirt. Jay watched him dress, feeling sleepy and satisfied. He knew as soon as Stephen left, he would pass out. He'd probably have pleasant dreams, too. Dreams where Stephen touched him, and he touched Stephen back. He might have dozed a bit, because Stephen was suddenly filling his vision. "Sleep well." Stephen kissed his brow. "And for what it's worth, I love to look at you." Stephen clicked the lamp off, returning the room to its earlier state of darkness.

Chapter 7

When it came to love, Jay's experience was limited to impassioned poetry of desire and loss, Gothic novels about betrayal and all-consuming emotion, and of course, Shakespeare. He could quote all the experts, chapter and verse, and knew about the ways love could build or destroy, could inspire creation and death, could even flip a man inside out and change him into something unrecognizable. In reality, Jay had absolutely no knowledge of love and he had no idea what to expect from it. He didn't know that it was possible to be so happy that eating and sleeping became a chore that distracted from the general state of bliss. He didn't know it was possible to smile all day until his face literally hurt. He didn't know that the burden of school and work could be reduced to something no heavier than a minor obligation. By Tuesday night, Jay had a much better understanding of the literature he'd dedicated most of his life to. He'd always considered love in an academic sense, but love wasn't academic. It was the opposite, in fact, since it couldn't be described with language, it couldn't be quantified, it couldn't be examined, and even though Jay was sure nobody had ever loved anybody like he loved Stephen, he knew that everybody who'd ever been in love could empathize with the tumult of need and lust and fear and pure, undiluted affection. Stephen showed up thirty minutes earlier than Jay expected, much to his relief. He was heavily laden with those cloth bags everybody used now to save the environment, smiling cheerfully despite his burden. "There's a farmer's market down in Sugarhouse today. Did you know that?"

"I didn't," Jay said, taking the bags. "Well, I went straight there after work, and there wasn't a lot of food, but check this out. There was a woman there who had a bit of everything. Plus, I found a guy selling lamb for like four dollars a pound. So I hope you like lamb." "Sure, lamb's great. Are you going to cook all of this tonight?" "No, you can't have potatoes and spaghetti squash for the same meal. Too starchy. But if you don't mind, I thought I'd leave some of this stuff here so I can cook for you again." Jay shrugged. "Sure, I don't mind. I scrubbed the kitchen down for you, so everything in there is ready for handling raw food. Also, I sent Amy away for the night. So we have the place all to ourselves." "She didn't mind being sent out of her own apartment?" "She owes me for about the million times I made myself scarce so she could have a bit of privacy." Not that Amy even knew she was making up for all that time. Jay didn't tell her Stephen would be coming over because he didn't want that information getting back to Jeni. He wasn't sure what Jeni would even do with it, but she'd find a way to ruin everything. "So, what do you want me to do? Consider me your sous chef." "Do you have a mandolin or any other slicer?" "I have a knife." Stephen smiled and held his fingers slightly apart. "Can you slice potatoes about this thick?" "I'm assuming you mean you want all the potatoes precisely that thick?" "Yes. They need to be uniform to cook evenly." "I'll give it a shot." Jay washed the dirt from the freshly harvested red potatoes, scrubbing them under the running water until most of the fine peel was gone. Stephen set about his own prep work, first cutting the lamb into bite-sized chunks, then humming to himself as he sorted through Jay's cupboards and the smaller bags he brought with him.

Jay wasn't sure what he was looking for, but he probably wasn't going to find it in that kitchen. He couldn't remember the last time he bought anything resembling seasoning, and Amy was the only one who ever picked up salt because she was the one who used it, much to her annoyance. "You really don't cook much, do you?" Stephen asked. "No," Jay said, holding two equally sized knives up to the light, trying to ascertain which was the sharpest. There was apparently no way of knowing. "Nobody ever taught you?" "Nope. Not really. My parents both worked swing shift my whole life, so they were gone from two to eleven, five days a week. I stayed with my grandmother, but she was a terrible cook, so we usually ate frozen dinners or went out for McDonald's. Then when I was old enough to look after myself and make my own meals, I never really went far beyond that." "Your parents always worked that shift? When did you ever see them?" "The summer, and weekends. Though they were usually busy with errands or whatever they couldn't get to during the week. I don't think I ever tried anything more complicated than frying eggs until I moved into my own place. Who taught you to cook?" "My mom showed me the basics, but besides that, too many people to even count. I've always been interested in it, so I just started asking people to show me their favorite recipes. My friends' parents, teachers at school, coworkers, other students. I figure everybody has one really interesting recipe that they've developed in their life. Plus, they would show me the little tips and tricks they've picked up over the years." Stephen laid the flat of his knife against a clove of garlic and smashed it with the heel of his hand. "Like that." "Why didn't you go to culinary school or get a job at a restaurant or something?" "Because it's a hobby. I enjoy the hell out of it, but I don't think I'm cut out to work in an actual professional kitchen. I'm

happy cooking for myself and my friends." "Are you still asking people to show you recipes?" "Always. That's going to be the great quest of my life. Honestly, it's amazing I was able to get away from the farmer's market so quickly. I usually fall into long conversations about the best way to prepare squash, and which tomato would be best for a certain dish. But I didn't want to be late." Jay paused, looking up from the potatoes to study Stephen's face. His brows were furrowed with concentration as his clever fingers peeled the papery garlic skin away. Jay lost track as he watched Stephen smash and peel the strong smelling garlic. He might have stared at Stephen like that for the rest of the night if the object of his attention hadn't asked, "How are those potatoes coming?" "Oh, good. Almost done here." Jay wasn't almost done, so he buckled down and forced himself to concentrate. It was difficult because the kitchen was quickly filling with the smell of Stephen's cologne and garlic--a strangely sharp and pungent smell that made Jay's mouth water. He didn't even care about dinner. He wanted to kiss Stephen's neck and gather up the smell until it made him dizzy. "I can't even eat frozen food anymore. Or anything from a box, really," Stephen commented. "So does that mean you make all your own food? Breakfast, lunch, and dinner?" "I eat out a lot now because I don't want that damned stove to blow me to kingdom come. But I prefer to do my own cooking. It tastes better, for one thing. And for another, I know what I'm actually eating. All the preservatives and sugar they use kind of grosses me out. I like to know where my food came from and what's in it." "I've honestly never thought that much about it." "Well, here I am to broaden your horizons. Now, we're going to be using all of this to make something like a casserole. It'll have the potatoes and lamb and these herbs and a simple sauce. How do

you feel about spicy food?" "I like a bit of heat." Stephen grinned. "Good. Me, too." Stephen explained everything as he worked. He reminded Jay of Paula Deen or Rachael Ray, except in Jay's opinion, Stephen was clearly more talented than either of them combined. He was almost as good as Alton Brown. He had an easy, conversational way of speaking, and Jay listened attentively, eager to learn these things because it was Stephen who told him. He doubted he would ever have reason to use the tips. That would require spending a good deal more time in the kitchen than Jay ever wanted. But it was easy to see why Stephen liked cooking so much. He clearly didn't just do this because he liked the process or the end result. He respected food, was impressed with it, admired it in a way Jay had never conceived of. "There, that should be done in about forty-five minutes," Stephen announced as he closed the oven door. "What should we do while we wait?" "I can think of a few things." "We can't lose track of time," Stephen warned. "If we burn this, I'll be heartbroken." "Why heartbroken? If we burn it, we can just get some pizza." "I don't want to try to impress you with my amazing pizza ordering skills." "What if I ordered the pizza? Would it impress you? Also... impress me?" "Yes." "You want to impress me?" Jay asked. "Yes. Why wouldn't I want to impress you?" "Because... well, I'm already impressed." Stephen wrapped his arm around Jay's waist and pulled him closer. Jay was just a few inches taller than Stephen, and he had to tilt his head back to reach Jay's mouth. Stephen tasted fresh and warm, the barest hint of garlic on his lips and hovering above his

skin. Jay closed his eyes, nudging his tongue past Stephen's lips. Jay had kissed Stephen until his mouth was sore the night before, but this kiss was new and heady as their first. Stephen's arm tightened around him. Jay couldn't help but seek out the heat of his skin, his fingers gathering the hem of Stephen's shirt and gliding across the newly exposed skin on his lower back. The food could burn. All the food could burn. Jay didn't care, as long as he had Stephen wrapped securely in his arms and moaning in encouragement while Jay plundered his mouth. "Let's sit down," Stephen suggested. Jay nodded and practically dragged Stephen across the room to the couch. They fell on it together, feet tangling and fingers searching for purchase. Jay lay back, pulling Stephen over him. He liked the way Stephen felt when his weight was settled on him and his mouth was heavy and hot and demanding. His cock was already pressing to his fly, insistent and aching, but Jay ignored it. He definitely wanted to feel Stephen's hand down his pants, but that could wait. In the meantime, Jay was more interested in exploring Stephen's mouth, reminding himself of all the curves and textures even though he never had the chance to forget them. Stephen cupped Jay's face between his palms, his fingertips caressing him in tiny circles while his tongue plunged in and out of Jay's mouth. Stephen was a good and thorough kisser. Jay had learned that fact at Brewvies, and he was more than happy to have confirmation of it now. Jay had never kissed anybody before Saturday, but he felt like he couldn't ask for a better teacher. Forty-five minutes passed in a blink of an eye. Jay felt like they just really got started when the alarm on Stephen's watch went off in a series of high-pitched beeps. Stephen lifted his head, his eyes wide with excitement. "Stay right here, I'll go check on that." Jay nodded, his gaze never leaving Stephen as he hurried back to the kitchen. Jay hadn't really noticed the aroma before, but his small apartment was positively redolent with the scent of garlic and lamb. The lamb in particular made his mouth water. As far as

Jay knew, nothing so delicious had ever been prepared in his apartment. It almost felt like a day that should be marked in the calendar and commemorated every year thereafter. Or maybe Jay just wanted to have an excuse to celebrate Stephen like he deserved. "It needs to sit for five or ten minutes. I'm going to make the salad." Jay grimaced a little at that, but fortunately Stephen didn't see him. He wasn't a big fan of vegetables, in salad form or otherwise. It was probably because he'd never developed a taste for them as a kid. His grandmother only made peas from the can, and they were always brown and mushy. Just the thought of biting into a spoonful of that atrocity made Jay's stomach churn. His mother had been a bit better, in that she bought frozen green beans and corn, but they were always relegated to the side of the plate in small spoonfuls, studiously ignored until he'd eaten everything else and he could legitimately claim to be too full to eat another bite. But Stephen clearly didn't use frozen or canned products. Maybe vegetables were great in their natural state. Jay couldn't even remember the last time he had a fresh salad. "Did you bring dressing for it?" Jay asked. "Something better than that. I'm going to make my own vinaigrette." "Wow. You're really going all out here." Stephen stuck his head out from the kitchen door. "It doesn't really take that much effort to make a good vinaigrette. Do you like mushrooms?" "Sure." Jay abandoned the couch in favor of the kitchen, telling himself that he was just going to offer to help Stephen, and he was in no way missing him. It would be insane to be lonely for a person who was literally in the next room. They were even having a conversation without raising their voices to be heard. But the fact was, Jay did miss Stephen terribly and felt relief rushing through him like a fresh breeze drifting through a stuffy room at the sight

of him bent over the chopping board. "How's school been this week?" Stephen asked without looking up. "School? I don't know, I barely noticed it." "Why?" "Because I was too busy thinking of you." Stephen smiled at the mushrooms he was cutting in perfectly even slices. "That's sweet, but I don't want to be the reason you stop caring about school." "It's just nice to have something else to think about for once. I feel like... you know, I've been living in books my entire life. It's nice to be a part of the real world, for once. Honestly, that's the whole reason I went to grad school. I realized nobody else was going to pay me to read." "Well, that's not exactly true, is it? You could be paid to review books. Or work for a publisher." "There aren't a lot of publishers in Utah," Jay pointed out. "There are publishers in New York." "I don't live in New York." "No, but the point is, you could. If you really wanted to do something else, you could move to New York. Or anywhere, really." "I don't know. It might be too late for that. I guess in your heart you'll always be a chef, and in my heart I'll be an editor." Stephen's lovely mouth pulled into a frown. "That... actually sounds pretty depressing." "You're the one who said cooking is just a hobby." "I know, but... well, my point is, Jay, that you should try to do what makes you feel happy. If being a professor or whatever doesn't make you happy... " "Who said it doesn't?" Jay asked. "I never said that." Stephen licked his lips. "Yeah, you're right. I just assumed because... well, I shouldn't assume." "I don't know if it makes me happy," Jay admitted. "I always thought I'd have all these questions worked out by now. Like, the

passage of time would be enough to get my head on straight. But I don't feel like I have any answers. I feel like I have momentum, and I don't know how to swing that momentum in another direction. So I just keep going forward in a straight line and force myself to have tunnel vision." "I know exactly what you mean. Green peppers good?" "Yeah." "I'm going to bring my ice cream maker next time." "You make ice cream?" "Yes. Though I usually can't convince anybody to try my experimental flavors. They're not exactly Ben & Jerry's." "Like what?" "I'm perfecting a basil and rose water combination right now." Stephen laughed at the grimace on Jay's face. "It tastes really good, I promise you." "It sounds like it tastes like a bathroom air freshener." "Oh, not quite as delicious as that." "Let me guess, you don't like store bought ice cream, either." "Nope. Too sweet for me now. If you give up sugar like that, even diet sodas start to taste too sweet." "I honestly can't imagine not wanting Ben & Jerry's." "You'll be able to imagine that quite well after I make you a batch of my stuff. Now go sit down and I'll get this all dished up." "You're my guest. Shouldn't I be serving you?" "I've got to plate my own food." Jay smiled. "Like this is Top Chef?" "Yes, exactly like that. Everything has to look just right. You do most of your eating with your eyes, you know." Jay couldn't remember the last time he'd eaten anything with his eyes. Most of the time, he didn't even glance at the food before scarfing it down. Stephen did a rather nice job of plating the food and, as Jay admired the careful balance of color and portions, he had to admit that it did make a difference. He was already imagining the crispy potato between his teeth and the succulent pieces of lamb on his

tongue before he took the first bite. Stephen continued to exceed every expectation that Jay might have placed on him, proving himself to be an amazingly awesome cook. Stephen watched him a little anxiously as he took his first bite, and that nervous light in his eyes didn't dim, even after Jay smiled at him. "I can't believe you did this in my kitchen." "You like it, then?" "It's amazing, Stephen. Now that I know what you're capable of, you're never going to get rid of me." "Ah, then my evil plan worked." "Your evil plan was to bind me to you with excellent food?" "That was one stage of the plan. You'll note that I also used excellent conversation and excellent sex to round things out." Mention of the excellent sex was enough to distract Jay from the food entirely, but he didn't think Stephen would appreciate it if he sat his full plate aside and attacked Stephen's neck while he tried to eat. "You're truly an evil genius." "That's what I've been saying for years, but nobody believes me. I think it's the genius part they have a problem with." "No, definitely the evil part. There's no way anybody would ever think you evil." "Even if I'm doing something evil?" Jay shook his head. "I don't believe you've ever done anything evil in your life." "That's only because you don't know me that well." "I do, though." Jay realized that his declaration sounded a little too impassioned, and looked back down to his plate. "I mean, we've had a lot of conversations the past few days, haven't we? I can't think of anybody I know better than you." "I feel the same about you," Stephen admitted softly. "Now you better eat before the potatoes get cold. There's nothing worse than cold and soggy potatoes, right?" They ate in companionable silence only occasionally broken by a comment from Stephen or a question from Jay. They didn't turn on the television, either, which forced Jay to concentrate on

his plate and what he was eating. He felt the first twinge of fullness while there was still at least half his serving on the plate, but he didn't quite want to stop eating. Full or not, this was the most delicious thing he'd ever put in his mouth. Even the salad was amazing. He never realized that lettuce could have flavor and vegetables could have texture. The raw mushrooms were a little too much for him to handle, but everything else had a bright, vibrant freshness to it. It was such a far cry from the canned and frozen, overcooked stuff he was accustomed to that he didn't think it was fair to categorize them in the same food group. When they were both finished, Jay stood and took their plates to the kitchen. He paused long enough to grab two beers from the fridge--bought especially for entertaining company that night--and when he returned, Stephen was sprawled out on the couch halfnaked. "You're missing your shirt," Jay said. "I know. It just fell right off." "It fell off?" "Yep." "Just like that huh?" "Just like that," Stephen said, taking the offered beer from Jay. "Hasn't that ever happened to you before?" "Honestly. No. You better hope that doesn't happen to you in the winter. You'll freeze." "Hopefully it'll only happen when you're around to keep me warm," Stephen said, pulling Jay down to the couch. Jay lost no time in touching Stephen, eager to touch every inch of his smooth chest and shoulders. He really didn't have enough time to study Stephen the night before, and now he wanted to make up for that. He wanted to learn every bit of him by touch and sight. He wanted to find the birthmarks and the freckles that he couldn't feel. He wanted to rub Stephen's nipple with the pad of his thumb and watch the flesh slowly harden into a peak perfect for Jay's mouth. The only thing better than Stephen's shirt mysteriously falling off would be if his pants followed.

Stephen arched his back under Jay's hand and mouth, sighing with every new caress, his fingers threading through Jay's hair and traveling down his back. He wanted to bend his spine and push himself into the touch like a demanding cat. His shirt felt so rough where it rubbed against his chest and tightening nipples. It was just a regular T-shirt, but compared to Stephen's silky skin, it felt like a hair suit. He could almost imagine it scraping his skin raw as he continued to move over Stephen's body. The night before, with nothing between them, it had felt so good. His nerve endings still tingled at the memory of it, and his hunger to feel it again almost overwhelmed every other thought. Stephen might have sensed which direction Jay's mind was going, because his fingers caught the material and he slowly, deliberately, dragged it up Jay's back. Jay buried his face in Stephen's neck and didn't protest the touch, though he still didn't feel entirely comfortable losing his clothes. Stephen's fingers were light and playful, sending bolts of desire through him with every touch and promising so much more. If Jay would just let him remove the shirt, would just trust him that far, he would be rewarded for it. That's what Stephen told him with each careful touch, and now that Jay had his face buried against Stephen's neck and his cock pressing to Stephen's hip, he could almost believe it. Jay acted quickly, sitting up and lifting his shirt over his head. Stephen's eyes widened with surprise as the clothing fell to the floor, but Jay didn't give him a chance to study Stephen's face for a reaction. He slammed his mouth to Stephen's, kissing him until the embarrassment and anxiety faded to a dull roar. The texture of Stephen's skin against his felt so good, and the heat of Stephen's mouth was so fierce, that Jay soon forgot everything that wasn't directly related to the waves of pleasure rolling through him. Stephen slid his lips from Jay's, skimming them over his jaw and down his throat. Jay tilted his head back, his eyes fluttering closed as Stephen fit his mouth over the skin, sucking with just enough force to sting. He would have a hickey when all this was

over. He, Jay Warheimer, would have a hickey right at the base of his neck. A mark. A love mark. His moan turned into a whimper as Stephen relaxed his jaw slightly, letting his teeth just barely sink into the skin. It added a new dimension of sensation that went direction to his groin. He wanted to feel Stephen's mouth like that everywhere. "Oh, Jay, don't smother him." Jeni's voice was like a bucket of ice water thrown directly over his groin. He started back, pushing himself away from Stephen and scrambling for his shirt like a babysitter who'd just been caught with her boyfriend. Stephen sat up more slowly, mouth set in a confused frown as he looked to see just who had interrupted them. Jeni and Amy stood in the doorway, both of them grinning widely, Jeni looking particularly pleased with her little joke. "I'd be more worried about him breaking the couch, to be honest," Amy said. "It's almost on its last legs as it is." "I know. You can tell where he always sits, can't you? Since that's where the springs aren't really springs anymore." Jay stood rather stiffly beside the couch, glancing quickly at Stephen to try to gauge his thoughts. "Amy, what are you doing here? I told you that I needed the place to myself." "How was I supposed to know you actually needed the place to yourself?" "I told you that I was going to have a guest," Jay said. "Yeah, she told me. But I didn't really believe her." Jeni craned her neck to the side and wiggled her fingers at Stephen. "I guess this explains why Rhys couldn't even get you to look his way. You like some cushion, huh?" They both cackled at that, and then Amy dropped her purse and breezed into the kitchen. "What smells so delicious in here? Did you guys order something in?" "No," Stephen said, pulling his shirt on. "I made dinner." "Ooh! Can I have some? Jeni, are you hungry?" "I'm starving. What have we got?"

Jay wanted to protest that they didn't have anything. Stephen hadn't cooked for them, and why did Amy think she could just barge in and act like a total asshole? It must have been Jeni's influence, because he honestly couldn't remember Amy being quite this thoughtless before. But even when he heard them pull the plates from the cupboard, he couldn't say anything. He'd be giving Jeni another week's worth of ammunition if he barged into the kitchen and demand that nobody touch his food. She'd probably tell him to relax and remind him that he wouldn't starve if he missed out on a few bites of the casserole, even though they both knew it had absolutely nothing to do with the food. Stephen touched his arm. "Look, if they're going to be around here for awhile, we can go to my place." "I don't really feel like... I should just study." "You can study at my place. Go grab your bag and I'll be a perfect gentleman." Jay didn't want to be around anybody. He just wanted to lock himself in his room, turn on his music or the television, and read until he felt like he had a semblance of control. He wished life could be more like books. In books, things were supposed to make sense. There had to be an internal logic to all the characters and their actions and motivations. Jeni would be his antagonist, but she would probably get her comeuppance in the end, and he'd grow as a person, and everything would work out. But that's not what happened in the real world, and there would probably never be any consequences for her behavior. But he didn't want to turn Stephen down, either. Even if he didn't really feel fit for company anymore. "Okay. I'll be right back." Jeni caught his eye as he walked by the kitchen and grinned-Ain't I stinker? How could Amy even put with her for five minutes, much less spend most of the day and night with her? He'd have to ask her if he ever felt like talking to her again. At that moment, the chances of even wanting to see her face were slim to none. He didn't blame her for Jeni's bad attitude--though he did blame her for bringing Jeni to the apartment again. He also blamed her for

laughing and being Jeni's captive audience. Maybe she would stop being such a bitch if everybody didn't cheer her on. When Jay returned, Stephen and Jeni were both sitting on the couch, Stephen listening while Jeni talked about Pride Week. The sight of the two of them being so casual and social so soon after Jay's rush of humiliation almost sent him scurrying back to his room. He hated that Stephen could still talk to her like she hadn't said anything wrong. He hated that he was still so angry. Most of all, he hated that he could do absolutely nothing about any of it. He couldn't tell Stephen to stop being friendly with her. He couldn't make Amy stop dating her. He couldn't even throw her out of his own apartment where he paid most of the rent. She was balancing a plate of food on her knee. His eye began to twitch. A steady throb just below his eyebrow. "This is so good," Amy enthused. "Is there something sweet in this?" "Yes, the sauce is supposed to be a bit sweet to compliment the lamb." "I thought Jay just added some sugar when you weren't looking. That's how he always ate before." "Before what?" "Before now. We grew up together. If you're wondering, he's always been like this." "Come on. I'm ready to go," Jay said tightly, making a beeline for the door. Stephen didn't need to hear anymore stories about what a little pig Jay had always been. "Amy, we need to talk tonight." "We're going back to my place," Jeni said. "We only stopped here to watch television and eat." "Amy." Jay took a deep, steadying breath. "Remember whose name is on the lease." "Is that supposed to be a threat?" Jeni asked. Amy answered before Jay could. "It's not a threat. I'll be home tonight, Jay." "Good."

Jay slammed the door shut hard enough to make the frame shake, but it didn't do anything to make him feel better.

Chapter 8

Stephen took him to a seedy bar on Main Street, and Jay didn't even realize that was exactly what he needed until they were sharing a tiny table in the far corner. They had a bowl of peanuts between them and a pitcher of beer. Stephen absently shelled the peanuts and made three piles--half of the nuts for Jay, half for himself, and then a pile for the discarded shells. Jay wasn't hungry and he mainly pushed his around the table and arranged them into nonsensical designs. Stephen didn't ask him any questions and Jay wasn't really in the mood for conversation, but the silence between them wasn't tense. It settled between them, as patient and sweet as an old friend. "I've known her since elementary school," Jay finally volunteered. "We were in all the same classes right up until we graduated. The summer after graduation was probably the best in my life. I knew I was getting away from her, I planned to live in the dorms and I figured college wouldn't be like high school. I was going to have lots of friends, maybe even a boyfriend, and it'd be great. But then, wouldn't you know it, she was in two of my classes that first semester. She also decided she was a lesbian after four years of fucking the entire football team, so I saw her at the GLBT Center, too." "You two are what? Twenty-four now?" "Yeah." "Why does she still act like she's twelve then?" Jay sighed. "I don't know. Probably because nobody cares. Amy is my best friend in the world, and she thought it was hilarious. Everybody thinks it's funny when Jeni says shit like that. And if I act like it's not hilarious, then I'm the jerk with the

problem. 'What's the matter, Jay? Can't you take a little joke?'" "She says shit like that at the Center, too?" "Sure. She says it anywhere. Everywhere. She's actually fooled me three times now. When we finished junior high, I thought she'd go to a different high school. When we graduated, I thought she'd go to a different college. When she finished up her Bachelor's, I thought she'd be on her way to graduate school or California or something. But no, she decided she needed to stick around to get a second degree. And of course, be more active at the Center." "Jay, she should not be saying anything like that at the Center. To anybody. What about the director before me? Did you ever speak to her about it?" Jay snorted. "No. Trust me, Stephen. If there's one thing I've learned, you can't stop a bully. They aren't secretly scared of being the butt of jokes. They don't care if they get in trouble. They aren't worried about threats. And when you're an adult, your options are even more limited. It's not like you can call the cops, and I have no recourse through the school." "So you really believe there's no choice but to take it?" "Yeah." "No. That's not true. And I don't believe for a second that anybody at the Center laughs when she says shit like that. You have friends there, Jay." "It doesn't matter what you believe, Stephen. It's like evolution and gravity. You can believe whatever you want, but it doesn't change the basic facts. When we were in sixth grade, she spent an entire field trip following me around and mooing. Her friends joined in. Pretty soon there was a group of twelve of my classmates, all of them mooing and yelling insults. And you know what happened as a result?" Stephen shook his head. "Nothing. The adult in charge of our group just happened to be her mother, and when I went to talk to Mrs. Hanson, our teacher, about it, she told me not to be such a tattletale, and if

there's a problem, our group leader will sort it out." Stephen winced. "Jesus. What about the principal?" "What about him? He had actual problems to deal with. Besides, Jeni never really cared about authority figures. The more she got in trouble, the more her little lackeys fawned over her. What can you do in the face of that, Stephen, except keep your head down and just try to get through the day?" "Well, she's not going to talk to you like that anymore." Jay shrugged. He wasn't going to try to argue with Stephen about this. If he wanted to get himself involved in this sick game, then Jay wouldn't stop him. Besides, he didn't think Stephen would listen to him no matter how times he explained that there weren't any magic words to fix this problem. The only way to fix it was to literally become a different person, so Jeni wouldn't have such a large target to shoot at. And maybe even that wouldn't be enough. "Jay, I'm serious." "What are you going to do, Stephen? Tell her to stop being a bitch? She knows she's being a bitch." "Maybe we'll have a discussion about how the Center is a safe zone, and that means it's safe for everybody." "First, she won't care. Second, clearly she has an open invitation to invade my house any time she feels like it. Anyway, it's not that big of a deal." "Yes, it is." "No it's not. It's just... it's just how things are." "Jay, no, this isn't how things are. This isn't how things should be. If I could turn back the clock and fix this, I would. Since I can't, I'll settle for the next best thing." "I'm telling you, there's nothing you can do. Besides, she'll just say it's my fault anyway, and she's right about that." Stephen's lips thinned. "Do you think you deserve that from her?" "What?" "Do you think you deserve it? Is that why you won't even say anything to defend yourself?"

"Look, I didn't mean... " "Jay, just answer me." Stephen took Jay's hand, squeezing him with cool fingers. "Do you think you deserve that?" Jay stared at Stephen's hand, wishing he'd had more time to admire Stephen's fingers. "Of course I deserve it." "Jay... God. I don't even know what to say." "You don't really have to say anything," Jay said tightly. He'd never said anything like that out loud, and it hurt worse than anything Jeni had ever said or done to him. "Yes, I do. Jay, you don't deserve anything like that. You deserve to be happy, and to be loved, and to have a great life. You don't deserve anything less than that." Jay looked away, wishing he'd stopped before letting Stephen push him into the words. He probably sounded like some overdramatic boob, and really, this sort of baggage wasn't something he should expose at all, ever, much less so soon in the relationship. "I'll understand if you... " "Jay, stop right there. Just listen to me. I don't think you've done anything to be punished for. So I'm not going to be the one who doles out the punishment. Don't cast me in that role. I don't want it." "I don't understand what you mean about punishment," Jay said. "I mean, at some point you decided that when people are assholes, you must have it coming. So you just accept it because they wouldn't do it unless you deserved it. And then you decided everybody is really an asshole. But that's not true. You haven't done anything wrong, and I'm not an asshole." Jay opened and closed his mouth, trying to think of a rebuttal to that, but he didn't have one. "Jay, it's not a crime to be a little overweight." Jay snorted. "A little? According to the BMI index, I'm morbidly obese." "That thing is full of shit and I don't know why anybody even pays attention to it anymore. Besides, you're a big, tall guy. I know

it might be hard to believe since Salt Lake can be insular, but there are plenty of men who really, really like big, tall guys. Plenty of women, too, for that matter." "I feel like... I can't even stand to look at myself in the mirror. Do you even realize how difficult it is for me to be at the gym?" "I have an idea. If it's difficult, why do you keep going?" "What?" "You don't need to go there just to see me. You can see me anytime you want, which I think you know by now. But you were still working out yesterday. Are you planning to go tomorrow?" "Yes." "Why?" "Because I... I don't know. It's not so bad now, and I don't want to just give up on it." "But see? That means that you're willing to put in the effort to have the body and the life you want. That's nothing to be ashamed of, Jay, and nobody at the gym is judging you for being there. I promise. As for not being able to look in the mirror... is that why you won't let me see you?" "Yes." Stephen traced small, soothing patterns on Jay's knuckles. "What will it take to make you comfortable with me?" "I don't know." "Have you tried to talk to anybody about your... self-image." "No. What would anybody say to me? You're fat, lose weight and you'll have a better self-image?" Stephen sighed. "That's not what a professional would say." "Do you think I need to see a therapist?" "I think it couldn't hurt." "You think I'm crazy?" "No, but I think that you're hurting yourself every day. I think that you're never going to be happy or comfortable in your skin until you stop being so... brutal." "It seems to me that the problem is with all the assholes you've mentioned."

"Yeah, they deserve most of the blame. But what they say now wouldn't have such a strong impact on you if you didn't believe them and internalize every word. Do they ever say anything so different from what you say about yourself?" "I can't... I can't tell anymore. Maybe?" "Jay, I don't think you're crazy. I don't think you're a bad person. I don't think there's anything wrong with you. In fact, I like you a lot. But I also want you to be happy, and I think the only way to be happy is if you start working on some of these issues. They offer counseling through the university." "I know." "Maybe you should take advantage of that." "What if... are you going to be upset if I don't?" "This isn't an ultimatum, no. But it might be easier for the two of us to have a relationship if you do get some help." Jay nodded and looked down at the table. He'd considered taking advantage of the offered counseling before, but had never had the nerve to do it. If nothing else, he could use some coping skills for the stress of grad school. And he'd wondered if he suffered from low-grade depression more than once. It would be easy to call and make an appointment. Like the gym, it would probably be distinctly unpleasant, but Jay wanted to be happier, and if he couldn't be happier, then he at least wanted to be a bit more grounded. "I'm sorry," Jay said. "For what?" "For the times I did cast you in that role. It's not that I think you're a bad person, it's just... " "I know." "Stephen, I don't even understand how you're real. I never thought about meeting a guy like you because I never thought guys like you even existed." Stephen's smile was shy and lopsided, and if Jay wasn't already heart-hammering stupid in love with him, that would have been the final Cupid's bolt to his chest. "I'm not that special. There

are probably lots of guys like me." "No, there's not." "You don't have to help with Pride, by the way. I'm not going to ask you to spend more time around Jeni." "No, I said I'll help, so I'll help." "Are you sure? I don't think you should have to be around her if you don't want to be." "I missed out on a lot of things in the past fifteen years because of her. I'm not going to let her control me like that anymore." Stephen smiled, thumb moving back and forth over his knuckles. "Want to go to Brewvies and make out in the back like a couple of teenagers?" "Sure, what's playing?" "Does it matter?" "Actually, no. You good to drive?" "Yep." Jay was silent on the short drive, but for once he wasn't brooding over his hurt feelings. Stephen had given him a great deal to think about, and some of it had to hurt to hear, but Jay had needed to hear it. Something had shifted inside of him as Stephen spoke, a new understanding of the world around him developing. Jay recognized the feeling. It was the same sort of wonderment and satisfaction he experienced when he grasped the meaning behind a difficult poem, or when he saw new meaning in Shakespeare that he never noticed before. But merely reaching a new understanding wouldn't be enough. Now he needed to figure out what he was going to do with his epiphany.

Chapter 9

Some days a whole afternoon would pass quietly and Jay would have nothing to distract him from his reading. This was not one of those days. The distractions started almost as soon as Jay showed up for his shift at the desk, beginning in the form of Jeni breezing in for a meeting with Stephen. She smiled and winked at him as she walked by, and even though it went against the spirit of the center, Jay wished they could just ban her outright from walking through the door. But she had just as much right to be there as he did. "Do you know what they're talking about in there?" Santos asked, sidling up to Jay's desk and trying to peer through the closed blinds. "Probably Pride. She's on the committee." "Sally is on the committee and she didn't mention a meeting today." Jay shrugged. "I don't know. It's not like Stephen runs his daily schedule by me." Though if he planned to meet with Jeni, Jay wished he would have at least mentioned it. He swallowed down his suspicion, remembering Stephen's admonishment that he was not an asshole. But the timing of their meeting was highly suspicious, and Jay was more than a little worried that Stephen was going to take it on himself to defend Jay's honor. Which, actually, wasn't the most terrible thing Jay could think of. He quite liked the thought of Stephen rushing to his defense, but he couldn't see how it was a real solution. Jeni was an adult, and even Stephen's stern voice and disappointed eyes wouldn't be enough to radically change her behavior.

"Am I the only one who wishes she'd stop coming around?" Santos asked under his breath. "No," Jay admitted. "I thought we'd at least get a break after she graduated." "If I didn't know better, I'd say she had a crush on Stephen." Jay snorted. "No, I doubt that." "You know, she's only here all the time because she can't find a job. I don't think she's got anything else to do all day." Except fuck around with Jay's roommate. "She should get a hobby then." "Excuse me?" Jay turned away from Santos to greet the owner of the small voice. A young woman with a bright yellow hat and a giant brooch that would look more at home on Jay's grandmother. She had a roundish baby-face, and giant green eyes fringed by dark lashes. "Is this the GLBT resource center?" "It is," Jay said. "I'm Jay, this is Santos. What's your name?" "Regan. I'm... I'm not even sure if I belong here." "That probably means you do. Would you like some coffee or tea?" "Coffee would be good. Thanks." Santos jumped to his feet to fetch that while Jay led her to one of the sofas. She offered him a small, thankful smile, but she still looked more than a little shaken. Now that he had the chance to study her more closely, he could see her lips trembling and her eyes shone with barely contained tears. "I take it you haven't been here before?" Regan shook her head and looked down, rummaging through her purse until she gave up her search with a small cry. "I forgot my wallet. I don't even know where it is. I think it's still at home but... all my stuff... " "Here's your coffee," Santos said, pushing the mug into her hand. She wrapped her long fingers around it and muttered her thanks, but she was still distracted by her purse. "Do you mind if I look?" Jay asked.

She shook her head and pushed the bag to his side of the couch. Approximately fifteen seconds later, he had her wallet in hand. Fresh tears sprung to her eyes, and she didn't try to hide them. She didn't even wipe them away. "Thank you. I don't know what... I couldn't see it. My head has been all crazy since last night. I probably would have lost my head if it wasn't attached to my neck." "What happened last night?" Jay prompted softly. "I... my parents... they saw me. And they knew. Well, they didn't know, but they found out." "That you're gay?" Jay asked. "Yes. It was so dumb because I had a girlfriend for three years, and they just thought she was my best friend. But she broke up with me and I was so... I was crying and they... " Regan sipped from her mug and took a deep breath. "They asked me what was wrong and I didn't even think about it. It just slipped out. After three years... it just slipped out. And then they kicked me out. That's why I came here. I didn't know what else to do." "I'm sorry this happened to you, Regan, but we should be able to help. We can at least find a safe place for you to stay a few nights. I've seen this happen before. Usually, when parents react this way, they just need a few days to cool down." "No, not my parents. They... no, they aren't going to cool down. They have all my stuff." "Let's worry about that after we get everything else sorted. I'm going to get Stephen. He's the director here and he'll be able to give you more information. Do you like that coffee?" Regan nodded. "I haven't had anything to eat since yesterday morning." "Okay, Santos is going to run downstairs and get you something at the cafeteria." "That's not necessary... " She started. "Yes, it is. It's a proven fact that you always feel ten times better once you eat something warm. And Santos is happy to help, aren't you, Santos?"

"Do you have any dietary restrictions?" Santos asked, already halfway out the door. "No. Thank you." "Enjoy your coffee. I'll be right back, okay?" Regan nodded, her eyes shimmering above the mug. She couldn't have been more than eighteen or nineteen. What sort of monster would kick her out? Jay had found himself asking that question again and again in his time as a volunteer. Why did they kick out their own children? How could they turn their backs on not just family, but the only family that really mattered? Jay had a distant relationship with his parents, but he hadn't been afraid to come out to them. They loved him no matter who he was. He knocked lightly on Stephen's door before pushing it open. "Sorry for interrupting you but... " Stephen and Jeni both looked up at the same time. Stephen's eyes were hard. Colder than Jay had ever seen them. Jeni's face was streaked with tears, her mascara and eye shadow running. "Oh, sorry," Jay said quickly. "I didn't mean to interrupt. It's just... there's a situation out here." "I'll be right out." "Okay. Whenever you have a minute." Jay shut the door, wishing he could be the fly on the wall just to know what it took to make Jeni cry. He'd never even seen a hint of tears in her eyes. He'd have to worry about it later, though, because there was another girl who needed his full attention. Jay sat on the couch, but was careful not to crowd Regan, or encroach on her space. She stared down into the coffee, and tiny drops of moisture clung to her eyelashes. Jay wanted to ask more questions-it would be easier to help her if he knew of any friends or family members she could contact--but throwing a million inquiries at her would probably only stress her out. "I wish I could change things," she muttered. "I know. But sometimes people, even your parents, can surprise you." "That's not what I meant."

"What did you mean, then?" "I wish I could change me." "Who would you want to change into?" "I don't know. Somebody normal. Somebody who dates jocks and listens to pop music and wants to have babies by the time they're twenty." "So you want to be a good Mormon girl? That hardly seems interesting." Regan shook her head. "Who cares about interesting? I'd be normal. Everything would be so much easier then." "I know how you feel. I always think if I could just be skinny, or attractive, or straight then surely my life would be so much easier. It's natural, I think, to imagine the grass is greener on the other side. But you know, my skinny, pretty friends have problems, too. Just like my completely normal Mormon friends." "So life sucks no matter who you are, you might as well get used to it?" Jay smiled. "That's pretty bleak. Why not, life hands you lemons no matter who you are, so I'll bring the vodka and we can make lemonade." "Lemonade is made with vodka?" "It is in this metaphor." That coaxed a small smile from her. "My parents probably wouldn't mind if I were drunk as long as I didn't like girls." "I hope they change their mind about that, but if they don't, it's their loss. Don't forget that." Stephen chose that moment to emerge from his office, and Jay gestured him over. "Regan, this is Stephen, he's the center director. Stephen, this young lady has had an altercation with her parents, and they've kicked her out of the house." "I'm sorry to hear that. Why don't you come into my office and we can talk." She nodded and stood to follow him, the coffee still clutched tightly in her fingers. She still looked wan, but Jay thought he might have done some good, since the tears no longer threatened to

flood her eyes. His satisfaction at that was short-lived after he noticed Jeni wasn't leaving. In fact, she was lingering by the front desk, clearly waiting for Stephen to disappear again. Jay gritted his teeth, bracing himself for the pointed attacks that were soon to follow. Perhaps she would lead off with why don't you just get your mother to fight your battles for you? Or ooh Jay, your boyfriend sure is scawwy! Or something equally charming from the black pit of her soul. "I didn't tell him to talk to you," Jay started. "Oh. Okay. Well, can we talk?" "What about?" "I've been behaving rather... inappropriately." "Inappropriately? Really? That's what you're going to lead off with?" "What do you want me to say?" "I want you to admit that you're a giant asshole," Jay said, too tired of her to try to find a more diplomatic way to phrase it. "Fine. I've been a giant asshole. Does that make you feel better?" "Not really, no. For one thing, I don't think you mean it. For another thing, it doesn't actually undo any of the things you've done." "I know that. But I'm trying to... make amends." "Right." "I am!" "I don't care." Jay stopped, surprised that he said the words, even more surprised that he meant them. He didn't care if Jeni was sorry or not, if Stephen forced her into the apology, if she secretly despised him. "I mean, I really don't care." "Right, I got it." "No," Jay said slowly. "No, I don't think you do. I've cared for so long, and so much that I think that's just how we think it's supposed to be. Somehow, I never noticed that you're pretty much... nothing." "This is what I get for trying to be nice to you."

"You're not trying to be nice. You don't even know what that is, Jeni. You're not a nice person. If you were, we wouldn't be having this conversation. And I'm under no obligation to give two shits about you or your weak attempt at saying sorry." "Well, I just wanted to say that I am sorry for... being an asshole. And hurting your feelings." "I don't care." "Can't you at least say apology accepted?" "Nope. Because it's not, and you're not really sorry. I don't know what Stephen said to you, and I don't much care, either. We're not in elementary school anymore. You can't just say you're sorry and then suddenly everything's better. Or anything is better. It's not." "You want me to make it up to you?" Jay shook his head. "No, you can't do that, either. I guess you could try to prove to me you're genuinely sorry. You grew up in the Mormon Church. You know all about atonement, right?" "I also know about forgiveness freely offered." "Well, I'm not Jesus. Now, do you have any actual business here? Because I've got work to do." Jeni shot him a narrow-eyed glare before marching away from the desk. She passed Santos in the doorway, and her chilly look had nothing on his. His glare was so powerful that Jay was surprised it didn't freeze right to the floor. As soon as she disappeared down the hall, Santos turned back to Jay with a smile. "Coffee? I didn't know what she'd want, so I went down to the Einsteins." "Bagels cure any ill, that's what I've always said. Go ahead and leave them on the desk, Regan is in talking to Stephen." "So? What was that all about? Catch me up." "I... I don't even know, to be honest." "Jeni looked pretty angry." "Well, she tried to extend the olive branch and I used it to stab her in the face." Santos's smile widened. "Nice. That's about what she

deserves." "You really don't like her?" "No. I can't think of anybody who does. I mean, I'll admit, I used to hang out with her kind a lot. Especially in high school. Girls like her are funny, and they usually know how to have a good time. You know, where all the good parties are and who sells the best weed. But they always turn on you in the end. And then I realized it's not any fun to be on the receiving side of that shit." "No, it's not," Jay agreed. "Do you think I should have just accepted her apology?" "No. She's like a little kid. She's probably more sorry she got caught than sorry for being a bitch in the first place." Jay nodded. That was exactly it, and why he couldn't just say Yes, Jeni, of course you're sorry, thank you. Why should he let her off the hook so easily? At least Santos backed him up, though he couldn't guess what Stephen would say once he found out. Would he be disappointed in Jay for being so petty? Would he have anything to say about it at all? And most importantly, would he share with Jay what he said to her? Because the curiosity was just about ready to consume him. "Do you think she's going to be okay?" Jay looked up and realized Santos was referring to Regan. He could see her through the office window, and her shoulders were shaking while fresh tears slicked her cheeks. "I hope so." "You ever in that situation?" "No. My parents took the news pretty calmly. What about you?" "My dad's the first counselor at his ward. So... no, not quite calmly. But my mom refused to kick me out of the house and said if I left, she'd go, too." "Wow. Good for her." "Yeah, she's pretty great. Oh crap." "What?" "It's already after three. I've got a class in ten minutes." "Have a good day."

Santos nodded. "Yeah, you, too. It was good talking to you. I'm DJing tomorrow night at the W Lounge. You should come by." "Sounds great," Jay said, too startled to think of any other response. But when Santos beamed at him, Jay realized he would be making a trip across town to the W. "What time?" "Nine. I hope you can come by. I'll buy you a drink." "Um, yeah, I'll be there. Thanks." Santos waved at him and headed out the door, leaving Jay very... confused. He pretended to read, but he was too distracted by the sight of Regan in Stephen's office, and the memory of Jeni sitting in there with tears staining her face, and Santos's unexpected invitation. He kept waiting for Stephen to emerge, one eye on the clock as the afternoon ticked by and his shift came closer to ending. Just before five, Stephen opened the office door and stuck his head out long enough to say, "I'll probably be here awhile. You shouldn't wait for me." "What's going on? Can't you find a place for her to stay?" "Yeah, but there are some other issues cropping up. It's complicated." "Okay. Do you need anything?" "No. Just let Todd know what's going on when he comes in. I'll probably be here for awhile." "Yeah, okay. Stephen?" "Yeah?" "I... if you do need anything, let me know, okay?" "You bet." The door clicked shut behind him, leaving Jay alone with his thoughts and the clock once again. **** "Jay, is that you?" Jay rolled his eyes and locked the deadbolt behind him. "Are you expecting anybody else?" "No. I thought you'd be home earlier." "It's Wednesday, Amy. I went to the gym."

"Oh, right. Hey, do you have plans tonight?" Amy emerged from her room with a bright smile--too bright. It looked more than a little forced. "I was thinking we could go out for tacos. Like we used to. Just the two of us." "Sure, if you want. I'm going to shower and change first." "No problem." Amy's forced smile only widened, and it gave Jay the willies. There was something very not right about it. Like she was frightened or nervous or trying to trick him into something he wouldn't like. "Jeni won't be joining us, will she?" "No, of course not. Like I said, just the two of us." "You sure?" "Jay, I'm not going to spring Jeni on you, okay?" "Just making sure, since I've already had one run-in with her today and that was more than enough or me." "Yeah, I know. She told me about it. Now hurry and go shower, I'm starving." Jay wanted to give Amy the benefit of the doubt, but if she was going to try to cajole, trick, bribe, or otherwise fool Jay into saying that he forgave Jeni and everything was bygones, that would be the last straw. He considered himself a patient person, but Amy was skirting closer and closer to the line every single day. Though he had mostly avoided her the past week, too wrapped up in Stephen to care about what she was up to. Plus, he'd been so angry with her that he didn't want to even look at her. After his anger faded, he wasn't sure what he should even say to her. As a result, in the week since Stephen had cooked him dinner and she and Jeni crashed their date, he'd probably exchanged a grand total of a dozen words with her. And half of those pertained to their weekly trip to the store. He stripped and leaned forward to turn on the water, but he caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror. Instead of turning his head and simply pretending the mirror wasn't there, he straightened and met his own eyes. His first instinct was to go over the list of

reasons he was disgusting, but that was a bad habit he didn't indulge in anymore. He pushed the negative thoughts out of his mind and tried to grasp onto the softly spoken words of encouragement, the sweet compliments Stephen whispered when they were wrapped around each other. They both knew Stephen's words, no matter how heartfelt or well-meaning wouldn't be enough to wipe away twenty-four years worth of self-loathing, but they were a start. Jay could look at himself in the mirror. That was a start. He stepped under the blasting water, washing himself quickly, and sharply correcting his more damaging, automatic thoughts. It was strange to stop the negative thoughts, to believe he was worth more than that. He didn't quite believe it himself. For now, he would have to rely on Stephen's conviction that Jay didn't deserve to be beat down or punished. But he was trying, and Jay was quite sure that had to count for something. Amy was waiting for him on the couch when he returned to the living room--rather warily, since he was expecting Jeni to be there despite Amy's reassurances. "You look nice. Is that a new shirt?" Jay looked down at the black T-shirt he'd owned since freshman year. "No." "You sure?" "Pretty sure." "Maybe it's your hair." "Nope, that's not new, either." Amy's smile seemed a bit easier as she stood, but her eyes still lingered on Jay, like she wasn't quite convinced he wasn't lying to her. "You should bring a jacket," Jay warned. "It's getting cooler out there." Amy sighed. "Yeah, I noticed that this morning. It's going to be snowing soon." "I don't understand why you moved to Utah if you hate the snow so much."

"I had my reasons. It'd be nice if I could remember them now. Maybe after I finish up with my degree I'll find my way back to Texas." She always sounded wistful when she mentioned her hometown, but now the words were thick, almost like she couldn't even choke them out. Jay held the front door open for her, studying her face as she passed him, but there were no visible signs of distress. Even her smile seemed far more natural now. They chatted about their classes in the car, bitching about their professors and the midterm assignments. Jay had two very large papers looming on the horizon, mocking him every time he let himself think about it. It was a shame that none of his professors would be impressed with an essay about how wonderful Stephen was, since that was basically all Jay had the ability to focus on. Along with Stephen's hair, eyes, smile, cheeks, fingers, thighs, etc. By the time they reached their favorite Mexican restaurant, Miramar, the sun was down past the mountains and the place was full with their dinner rush. The hostess recognized them and smiled a warm greeting before leading them away from the worst of the crowd. The restaurant had once been a used car dealership, which meant half the space was devoted to small, square offices, but since all the walls were made of large windows, the effect was one of privacy but not claustrophobia. Jay was fiercely devoted to their fish tacos. "I'll get the check tonight," Amy said, after the hostess left them with their menus and tortilla chips. "You don't have to do that." "I know, but I want to because this is my apology dinner." Jay dipped his chip into the salsa, his stomach growling loudly at the promise of food. "Your apology dinner?" "Yes. I'm apologizing for being a giant jerk. Though I'll understand if you don't want to forgive me, either." Jay popped the chip in his mouth and chewed slowly, searching her face for any sign that she wasn't serious. "Jay, don't look at me like that please."

"Like what?" "Like I'm a wild dog you can't trust." "I'm not looking at you like that." "Yes, you are. And I hate it. I'm sorry you think I betrayed you... " "I don't think you... betrayed me. I mean, I don't see myself as some sort of tragic character." "I don't know what you see yourself as, but you see me as Judas. I can tell." "You brought her to my house," Jay said tightly. "How did you expect me to react?" "I know. That's why I'm trying to apologize to you." "What is going on today? It is some sort of day of atonement or something?" "I broke up with Jeni last night." Jay blinked. "You broke up with her? But I thought... I mean, you told me that you were happy. You said you didn't want to break up with her." Amy took a long sip from her water. "Well, I was. We had fun together, and I don't know... I felt like she knew me. Or she could have known me." "Is... did you... did you do that because of me?" "It doesn't matter why I did it. That's between me and her." Jay leaned forward, but she wouldn't look at him. She studied her hands, sipped her water, glanced out the window, smiled at the waitress as she walked by, but she wouldn't look at Jay. He wouldn't let himself look away from her, knowing she would buckle under his stare sooner or later. "What was I supposed to do, Jay?" Amy bit out, almost angrily. "I told her I didn't appreciate the way she talked to you. That it was disrespectful." "What did she say to that?" "That she was sorry but... your face turns purple at the sight of her. It's just... too stressful... " "Hey... Amy don't cry. Here." He pushed his napkin across

the table--she'd already half shredded and soaked hers. "I didn't know you were that close to her. I thought you guys were more casual. I mean, you've only been seeing her for a month... " "We've been dating exclusively for a month," Amy corrected. "But we were seeing each other since the summer." Now Jay did feel a little bit betrayed. She'd been going behind Jay's back, in a sense. And she did so fully aware of how it would have upset Jay. Didn't that count as betrayal? It wasn't as though there were only a handful of lesbians in Salt Lake, regardless of what Amy claimed. Couldn't she have found any of the others? "I just don't get it. She's cruel. How could you fall for somebody who is just mean, Amy? You're not mean." "You know what my Shakespeare professor told me? Humor is cruel." "That doesn't mean I want to be the butt of the joke." "I think she thought she was being funny. But... the joke went too far. I saw that last week. So now it's over." Jeni's distraught face filled his mind. If she was crying over Amy, why would she go to Stephen of all people? Had she just broken down in the middle of the Center? Stephen was the sort of person who would comfort a clearly heartbroken girl. Or maybe... had she gone to him? If she wanted to save her relationship with Amy, it would make sense to go to Stephen for advice. And Stephen would naturally tell her to apologize and Jay had naturally shoved that apology back down her throat and told her to choke on it. He considered himself to be a kindhearted, reasonable, intelligent, good person. Those were just the four words he'd use to describe himself. But a good person didn't withhold forgiveness out of a petty need for revenge--even if the bitterness was justified. And Jay felt it was. It didn't matter to him if she just thought she was being funny, but much to his shame, for the first time he realized that Jeni actually did have a life fully separate and independent of him. She wasn't his arch nemesis, or the obsessed

villain whose sole reason for living came down to tormenting him. The waitress appeared then and they both ordered the dishes they always ordered, though Jay didn't have much of an appetite. "When I left the Center, Stephen was talking to a girl named Regan." "Oh? Who is she? The name doesn't sound familiar." "She's a freshman. She'd never been there before, but her family found out she was gay, and her parents kicked her out of the house. She said they still had all her stuff, and she couldn't go back for it." "Jesus. That's terrible." "Yeah. Stephen's going to find a place for her to stay and try to get some mediation for her and her parents. Or at least help her arrange it so she can get her stuff. But... she didn't have anywhere else to go. She just had to hope that we could help her. A bunch of strangers. And really, there's no guarantee that Stephen can help." Amy sighed. "It makes you realize how lucky we are, doesn't it? At least we've got each other." "Yeah." "For whatever that's worth, I guess." "It's worth a lot to me. I'm sorry I've been such a jerk. I should have... I should have tried harder to understand." "It's not your fault. I should have talked to you about it. I should have talked to her about it. But when I was with her, everything seemed easy. And I really wanted things to be easy." "Has the semester been hard on you? You never said anything." "I don't know. My classes aren't too difficult individually, but my workload has been heavier. I'm going to be done with my degree soon, and I'm going to have to figure out what to do, and... I don't fucking know. I can't even imagine what it's like to know. Does anybody have it all figured out by the time they graduate?" "Not in my experience, no." "Jeni should have just been another distraction, but when we were together, none of that other stuff seemed to matter as much. It

all seemed more bearable. God, I've been so caught up in my own little drama that I feel like I've been treating you like just a roommate." "I've missed talking to you," Jay admitted. "I've been going through so much stuff with Stephen, and I haven't had the chance to tell you anything." Amy cupped her chin on her hand. "Tell me now. I'm all ears." "What do you want to hear about?" "All of it. Is he amazing as he seems?" "Honestly? He's more amazing than you can probably even imagine." Amy seemed to brighten at that, looking more engaged than she had all evening. "Now you do need to tell me everything. Don't leave out a single detail." Jay happily filled her in, trying to push the memory of Jeni's apology out of his mind as he spoke, but the image wouldn't fade.

Chapter 10

Given the choice, Jay would never speak to Jeni again. But he was becoming accustomed to gritting his teeth and dealing with tasks he wanted nothing to do with. If he could spend forty-five minutes lifting weights three days a week, not to mention the pain that was the stationary bike, and the true torture of the locker room, then he could take an hour out of his life to track down and talk to Jeni. Plus, it was the right thing to do. He repeated that mantra again and again as he climbed the steps that led to Jeni's apartment. He was doing the right thing, and sometimes people had to sacrifice their own personal comfort for the greater good. But somehow, when it happened in Dickens, it seemed much more noble, heroic, and romantic. This errand really wasn't any of those things. He wasn't even losing anything by coming over, except a bit of time. When he found out Jeni lived downtown, he imagined one of the big buildings behind the capital building, or something old and imposing in the Avenues. But it wasn't anything like that. She lived on the third floor of a squat, square building, like a saltine box cut in half. It was surrounded on all sides by larger, newer structures, and he had to squeeze between two buildings to get to the broken gate that marked the building's entrance. As soon as he opened the front door, he was assaulted with the smell of weed and tobacco, and something sharper and far more unpleasant just beneath it. He hoped it was just cat urine. Naturally, none of the doors were marked with numbers or letters, though they did bear the faded shapes of digits long since fallen away. Jay avoided breathing as much as he could and went up the flight of stairs, which creaked ominously with each step. He

couldn't blame Amy for bringing Jeni over to their apartment all the time if this was their only other option. They didn't exactly have the nicest place in the world, but compared to this, they lived like royalty. By the time he reached the third floor, he was a little winded, but there was none of the tightness he'd become so accustomed to. He supposed compared to that goddamned bike, the stairs weren't much at all. The thought cheered him considerably, buoying his confidence as he debated which one of the doors belonged to Jeni. If they started numbering directly to his right, then the third door down would be hers. Well, if it wasn't, he'd keep trying until he found her. It wasn't like he was overwhelmed by options in the short, narrow corridor. Jeni answered his knock within seconds. "Jay? What are you doing here?" "I came to talk to you." "About what?" "Amy. I thought it would be best if we talked face to face." "Oh, well, come in." Jeni's apartment was such an improvement over the rest of the building that Jay couldn't quite believe his eyes. No amount of cleaning and organizing could rid the small apartment of the stench that seemed to permeate the entire building, but her carpet and paint looked new, she had a cozy setup with her couch, television, and computer, and the whole thing was spotless, including what he could see of the kitchen. "Do you want something to drink?" "No, I'm good. I won't be staying long. I... uh... I heard about what happened between you and Amy. " "Yeah, so what? Did you come over to gloat? You won." "I didn't know it was a competition." "You didn't? How could she not feel like she had to choose one of us?" Jay stared at her. "That's your fault. Do you think I go around

chasing away all of Amy's girlfriends? You've been insulting me since you started dating her. Shit, you've been insulting me since we were kids. And now you're going to act like this is all my fault. Fuck. I don't even know why I'm trying." "Trying to do what?" "Talk to you and save your relationship with my best friend, even though I don't think you're good enough for her." "Oh, so the truth finally comes out." "Finally comes out? It's not a big secret that you're a jerk, Jeni. That's been your defining feature since we were kids." "I'm not a jerk. And you know, maybe if you didn't go around thinking you're so much better than everybody else, I never would have said anything." "You think I go around acting like I'm better than everybody else?" "You always have. Your parents are rich, you're smart, you were always the teacher's pet. I couldn't do any fucking thing without hearing about how you did it first, how you did it better. You even won that fucking scholarship that you didn't even need. I had to work two jobs to get my degree." "Oh, wow, that's the most tragic story I ever heard. You should try to sell your story to Lifetime, get a movie made." "Screw you, Jay." "No, screw you. I came here to try to let bygones be bygones because, for some reason I can't understand, Amy really likes you. And Amy's my best friend, and I want her to be happy. But instead of any sort of real apology for fucking years of torment, I get to hear about how I ruined your life because I'm smarter than you? Because my parents had more money than yours? Maybe bad things happen to you because you're a bad person. Have you ever thought of that?" Jeni blinked rapidly, and her lower lip started to quiver. "Don't start with the tears. What's the matter? Does the truth hurt?" "I didn't know I was tormenting you," Jeni protested.

"So through the systematic torture and abuse, you were what? Blacking out?" "What are you talking about? Systematic torture? I never tortured you." "Yeah, yeah, I know. The endless digs about how fat and worthless I am were all in good humor, and like any great comedian, you need to be cruel. You're the second coming of Noel Coward. A genius misunderstood in her own time." "There were jokes, yeah, but... " "They weren't jokes to me," Jay said quietly. "Jokes are supposed to be funny, or at least good-natured. Walking behind me and mooing isn't funny." Jeni's face screwed up in confusion. "What? I never did that." "Yes, you did." "No, I didn't." "Yes, you did. I remember it like it happened yesterday, Jeni." "I don't remember it at all. I don't think I did that, but if I did, I am sorry. Kids do shitty things sometimes." "You're still doing shitty things." "I'm sorry, Jay. I don't know what else you want from me. Blood?" "I want to know why." "I... I don't know why. Because I thought I was being funny. I clearly wasn't, and I'm sorry. But whatever you thought I was doing to you... torturing you... hurting you, I didn't realize it. I didn't mean it." If Jay really didn't care about her anymore, as he'd claimed at the Center, it would be easy to simply accept that and move on with his life. The various hurts and insults he'd acquired from her over the years still ached dully in his chest, flaring to life with each rapid clench of his heart. The pain was familiar, and he wanted to hold on to it as tightly as he could. He wanted to guard each sliver, grasp it so tightly nothing could pull it away. It wasn't just something experienced. The broken shards and jagged edges had

worked into the material of his person, becoming such an ingrained part of him that he didn't know how he could ever be himself without it. But that meant Jeni would always be with him, her voice overpowering Stephen's, overwhelming reason, making him miserable. He didn't like her well enough to carry her around for the rest of his life. Whether she hooked up with Amy or whether he never saw her again, the final result would be the same. He had to forgive her--really forgive her--for himself as much as for Amy. "I believe you," Jay said slowly, meaning it more with each word. "I forgive you, and I think you should call Amy." "Really?" "Yeah." Jay swallowed and extended his hand. "I do." She studied him for a moment, doubt in her expression. Finally, she reached out tentatively and clasped his fingers. He wrapped his hand around hers, somewhat surprised by how soft her skin was. "Thank you." They released each other at the same time, and the weight he'd been carrying on his shoulders and over his heart began to loosen, disappearing like nothing more substantial than bubbles. "You sure you don't want a drink or something?" "I'm sure. Thanks though." He smiled a little and nodded at her, then pulled the door open behind him and backed out of the small apartment. That was the right thing to do, and now he wasn't just telling himself that. He felt it. He supposed this was what they called closure. That made sense. It felt like something had closed behind him, a door cut out of stone, shut and locked for good. Once Jay left Jeni, he only wanted one thing. It felt like weeks since he'd last seen Stephen, though it'd only been a day and a half. But it was only three o'clock, and Stephen would be at the Center until at least five, and probably later than that as they got closer to Pride Week. Which meant Jay had to be patient. He couldn't go racing up to campus and lock himself in Stephen's

office, like he wanted. But he could let Stephen know that his company was very much desired. He could send Stephen a message that was impossible to interpret. Something that marked the day as something special and indicated Jay's readiness to turn over a new leaf. He knew that the conversation with Jeni wasn't going to change everything about him. He'd still be the same person with the same fears and insecurities, but he wasn't going to be a slave to those feelings anymore. **** Ninety minutes later, Jay understood why epiphanies rarely led to permanent changes. He stood naked in front of the mirror, his phone in one hand, his thumb hovering over the button to snap a photo. He'd been locked in that position for a good five minutes, gaze anxiously shifting between the image in the mirror and the image on the phone's tiny screen. All he needed to do was move his thumb a few centimeters, and the deed would be done, but even reassuring himself that he wouldn't have to send the picture couldn't unfreeze him. He hated the way he looked in photographs, naturally. In twenty-four years, he'd never taken a single photo that turned out passable. His school pictures were catastrophic, year after year, and he always looked like an ass in the more relaxed candid pictures. A fat ass. The camera was an unflinching observer, brutally honest, and worst of all, permanent. It wouldn't help that he was trying to do this with a crappy phone camera in a room with unflattering light. Not that there was any particular type of light that would help him. But he'd promised himself that he was going to do something to prove he was serious about becoming a new person. This was the perfect solution. What did it mean for his epiphany if he couldn't even bring himself to take one picture? A picture that he could delete immediately, no less. A picture that would never have to be seen by another set of human eyes, even the eyes it was

theoretically intended for. "Okay. Okay, you're being silly. This isn't that big of a deal. It's a photo. Well, a nude photo, but people take dirty pictures of themselves all the time. It's not illegal. They aren't going to throw me in prison for taking a naked picture. Just do it on three. One. Two. Three." The flash reflected back in his eyes, and when his vision finally cleared of the dancing black spots, he realized that the glare completely obscured his figure. Which might have been the universe trying to tell him something. It counted, though. Just because the picture didn't turn out didn't mean it didn't count. He could close his phone, pull his clothes back on, and pretend none of this ever happened. Except, he really did want to send a clear message to Stephen. And if he couldn't even stand the thought of Stephen seeing a photo of him, how would he ever be able to get naked in front of Stephen for real? He would have to get himself to that point sooner or later. If only because he wanted more from Stephen than a hand job, wanted to give him something more than blow jobs. Jay cursed softly, turned off the damned flash, and lifted his hand again. Nearly his entire body was visible in the mirror, only the bottom three-quarters of his legs cut off. Would he be more attractive if he had an erection? Or would that be too ridiculous? Or was the whole situation ridiculous? Would Stephen even want this picture or was he being stupidly optimistic to even consider that possibility? No, he couldn't let himself think like that anymore. He had to trust Stephen. He had to. It wouldn't work between them if he didn't have any faith. And Stephen had made himself quite clear on the fact that he didn't want Jay to shield himself away. He needed to be completely vulnerable, exposed like he'd never been before. Stephen had said that he loved to look at Jay. He didn't understand it then or now, but maybe it wasn't for him to understand. Maybe it was just something he needed to accept.

With that, he pushed the button again. This time there was no bright flare of light to blind him, and the image on the phone was sharp and blatant. He didn't let himself look at it for too long, afraid that he would lose his nerve completely. He attached the image to a text that said Amy's gone for the night. With a final, uneasy breath, he hit send. The response a minute later surprised him, and the phone chirped at him twice before he had the courage to actually read the message. Don't get dressed. Leaving here in five minutes. Jay gaped, the breath knocked out of his lungs. He'd hoped for some sort of positive response, but it hadn't occurred to him to expect an enthusiastic one. It took him another minute to formulate the perfect response, his fingers trembling so badly he could barely use the touchpad. I'll leave the door unlocked.

Chapter 11

Jay settled on the bed, reasoning that would be the most logical place to wait. He'd done his best to prepare for Stephen's arrival, including showering and putting a bottle of Amy's baby oil next to the bed, which was the closest thing he could find to actual lubricant. He didn't know if they'd use it, but it was best to be prepared for any eventuality. He wished he had condoms, too, but there was a big bowl of them right on the table at the Center, and if Stephen wanted things to progress that far, he could always grab a few on his way out. The minutes crawled by, leaving Jay nervous and squirming on the bed, half-hard despite the nerves fluttering through his torso. They weren't centralized at his stomach, but rather had free rein over every inch of him from his throat to his groin. There was a good deal of excitement mixed in with the fear, and more than a dash of arousal, and the combination made him feel like he was going to crawl out of his skin. When the front door opened, Jay had no doubt that it was Stephen. He opened his mouth to call a greeting, but his throat wasn't cooperating and he couldn't generate more than a soft, "Stephen." Seconds later, he was there, looming over the bed, impossibly tall and impossibly there. The weight of his gaze was more than Jay expected, and his fingers closed around the blanket unconsciously. Heat stained his face, neck, and chest, and he knew Stephen could see his blush. He probably looked like a tomato, but it was impossible to hold back the flush or dampen the heat growing beneath his skin. He might be able to get a bit of control of himself if Stephen would look away, but his eyes were unwavering.

"Do you know what I was doing when I got that picture?" Stephen asked. Jay shook his head. He hoped it wasn't anything important. "Going over the budget. And do you know what happened to me when I saw the text?" Jay shook his head again. Stephen answered by unbuttoning his pants and pushing the flaps aside to expose his hard cock, jutting out from the light nest of hair, the crown a deep red. Jay's groin tightened at the sight of it, blood rushing to his cock so fast it made him dizzy. He was still trying to get his bearings when Stephen pushed his pants off and stripped his shirt. If there was one thing Jay would never, ever get enough of, it was the sight of Stephen's body. And he'd never seen it quite like this before, in the full light, nothing obscured or covered in clothes. Jay reached for him without thinking, knowing nothing except the deep, constant need to touch his smooth skin and verify that he did, in fact, exist outside of Jay's imagination. Stephen took his hand and climbed onto the bed, swinging his leg over Jay's hips and straddling him. "You remember when you asked me if I ever thought about fucking?" Jay muttered thickly, his tongue too big for his mouth and his breath sharp, almost painful, in his throat. "Yeah." "I really, really want you, Stephen." Stephen pressed his chest to Jay's, his mouth dipping tantalizingly close to Jay's lips. "That's good to know. But first things first." "What... " Stephen cut the question off with a firm kiss and Jay could only moan as Stephen's tongue sweetly invaded his mouth. His arms went around Stephen as he gave himself over to the kiss, his senses absorbing every single detail of Stephen's body. Objectively, it wasn't really that much different from any of the other dozens of kisses Stephen had bestowed on him, but it felt completely new all the same, worlds away from everything that

came before it. There was no doubting voice in the back of his head, urging him to hold himself back, to hide himself before it was too late, and Stephen was moving so deliciously on top of him. Every time he shifted his weight or leaned into the kiss, Jay's body lit up, flesh burning hotly as the lightest friction along his skin. The kiss ended far too soon for Jay's liking, but Stephen didn't seem perturbed by his protesting moan. He kissed down Jay's neck to his chest, moving lower than Jay had ever allowed before. Stephen wasn't in any sort of rush, and near as Jay could tell, he wasn't following any predetermined plan as he kissed over Jay's throat and chest, but he was very focused. Like he had a specific goal in mind, and he wasn't going to let anything stand between him and it. He smoothed his hand over Jay's chest, dragging his fingers through the patch of hair in the center while the tip of his cock nudged at Jay's thigh, leaving trails of warm precome. Stephen's mouth reached Jay's nipple, and remembering how Stephen had reacted when Jay had caught Stephen's nipple between his teeth, he braced himself. The lapping of his tongue didn't feel any different from any other patch of skin he tasted--that is to say, it felt amazing but not surprising. Not until Stephen caught the hardening skin with his teeth and something white-hot flashed through him. "God... " "Like that?" Stephen murmured. "Yes... yes... " His cock throbbed more with each passing second, and he felt every flick of Stephen's tongue radiating through his flesh. One tiny gesture could set off a whole series of quakes right down to his toes, his muscles tensing and relaxing in a complicated response to the miracle of Stephen's mouth. He shifted beneath Stephen, impatient and grateful, eager to feel more of Stephen. Eager to feel him everywhere. "I'm going to show you so many things," Stephen promised with a kiss for each word. "I'm going to make you feel so good." "You already do."

"It's going to get better." Stephen looked up then, blue eyes shining and beautiful. "Trust me?" "Yes. Always." Stephen lowered his head again, lips skimming over the peak of Jay's nipple before he moved lower. Jay caught his breath, unable to look away as Stephen continued his journey over Jay's stomach. The sight of Stephen's mouth just above his navel did something to Jay--he didn't know if it was good or bad, the way his stomach clenched, or the corresponding pain in his throat. He choked out Stephen's name, trying to tell him, or at least give him some sort of hint of what he was doing to him. Stephen responded by sliding his palms up Jay's sides, letting his long fingers create endless, dancing trails of heat over his chest. "Here we go," Stephen said, sliding lower so his mouth was even with Jay's groin. "I can't believe you kept this gorgeous cock from me for so long." "What... " Once again, Stephen rendered Jay mute before he could fully articulate his surprise or confusion. He gripped Jay by the base and lifted his head, drinking in the sight of Jay with obvious appreciation and hunger. How could Jay harbor any doubts when Stephen looked at him like that? Nobody could fake that level of desire, and Jay couldn't think of a good reason to try, either. Stephen's tongue was impossibly pink against the ivory of Jay's skin. The first touch was slow and thorough, the flat swiping over Jay's leaking slit. Stephen closed his eyes and sighed at the taste, his tongue traveling over him again and again, like he intended to catch every drop of arousal now coating Jay's eager flesh. He angled Jay's cock forward, lapping over the crown one final time before closing his lips around him. Jay's hips shot forward before he even had the chance to register what was happening. If he'd been thinking--if he'd been capable of thought at all--he would have held himself back, letting Stephen take each inch at his own speed. But there was no time for that, no concept of slow or wait in his mind as the heat enveloped

him. Instead of yanking away from him, Stephen moaned and relaxed his jaw, thumb and forefinger forming a ring around Jay's base, holding him in place as Stephen claimed the final inches. The muscles of his throat were soft and firm at the same time, forming a perfect seal around his sensitive tip. The pressure felt like enough to break him. He thought he would shatter, shouting Stephen's name like a joyful prayer. But somehow, his flesh held together, bound by imperfect skin and ragged, hard breaths. Jay let his eyes fall shut, but he missed Stephen in the darkness, and when he opened them again, Stephen was staring at him through his lashes, his skin pulled taut as he hollowed his cheeks. The suction was incredible, forcing the blood right to the surface of his skin, and Jay couldn't believe he'd survived so many years without experiencing this. It was more than just a physical sensation, more than nerve endings responding to stimuli and heat, more than pleasure--there was something intoxicating in the knowledge that somebody wanted to do this with him at all. Stephen set a slow, deliberate pace, and from the look on his face and the way he moved, it seemed like he would be quite happy to suck Jay's cock for the rest of the afternoon. Jay would be happy to let him, except he didn't think he could survive this miraculous level of attention for very long. The base of his spine was already tingling, and it wouldn't take much more to break him apart. Finally, Jay had to close his eyes, because another second of watching Stephen would be a second too much. When Stephen started to increase his tempo, Jay rose to meet his mouth, his hips automatically rocking forward for each stroke. Soon, he realized he was doing most of the moving, and Stephen was letting him fuck his throat. He didn't even have the time to voice a warning before everything exploded. Once his orgasm was triggered, that was it. He was flying, aware of nothing except the waves of pleasure rolling through him and the texture of Stephen's lips as they formed a tight seal around his base. His cock jerked against Stephen's tongue and the roof of his mouth, his cock buried

in the impossibly tight flesh as he shot again and again. Stephen swallowed every bit of it, his throat working until Jay's cock finally stilled. "Oh, my God," Jay moaned. Stephen released him with a loud, almost obscene, pop. "Good?" "Oh, my God." "Now the next time I try to get into your pants, are you going to push me away?" "No." Stephen smiled at him, and there was still a thin string of come clinging to his the corner of his mouth. The sight of it went directly to his flagging erection, and he was hard again in an instant. "I need you, Stephen. Please." Stephen crawled up his body again, leaning over to snag the bottle of baby oil. "I need to get ready for you." "I can get you ready," Jay offered. Stephen handed Jay the bottle and straddled his hips again. The muscles in his thighs flexed, and his skin stretched tight over his abdomen. His hand went directly to his cock while Jay poured a very liberal amount of oil over his fingers, and Jay felt a new twinge of doubt. For once, he wasn't worried over whether or not Stephen wanted him, but he was very concerned about his performance level. He didn't want to hurt Stephen, and the fact remained that he didn't know what he was doing. "Maybe... maybe you should do it, actually," Jay said. "No, I've been thinking about all the ways I want you buried inside of me. This is definitely on the list." "Oh." "Yeah," Stephen breathed, taking Jay by the wrist and guiding his hand around Stephen's hips. Jay slid his fingertips between Stephen's cheeks until he found the rapidly clenching and relaxing pucker. Stephen still held him firm, the heel of his hand pressing down on Jay's knuckles until the tip of his forefinger sank

past his muscle. "That's it." Jay worked his finger in slowly, watching for any signs of pain or displeasure. Jay needn't have worried. Stephen had looked happy with his mouth around Jay's cock, but now he seemed positively lost in the pleasure. He released Jay's hand and began rocking his hips, his cock nudging Jay's stomach while he fucked himself. "More. Add another finger." Jay wasn't going to question him. He seemed like a man who knew what he wanted. The addition of a second finger prompted Stephen's small whimpers to grow to full moans, and Jay's need to fuck Stephen intensified until it eclipsed every other desire he'd ever had in his life. "Another." Jay's third finger wasn't coated with lube, but Stephen didn't seem to notice. His muscles clenched so tightly around Jay's fingers that he couldn't even imagine how Stephen would feel around his cock--hot and pulsing with life, thrumming with energy, aching and sweating and beautiful. "God, Jay, I'm ready. Fuck me." With the condom in place and both of them slick and trembling, Stephen sank back against Jay's cock, guiding the tip to his tight hole. This wasn't going to work. Stephen was much too small, regardless of the lubricant, and this couldn't work. He would have explained this to Stephen, but Stephen was too busy proving him wrong. It was working. Quite well. The tip was already buried inside his passage, and Stephen was pushing back, sinking and sinking until they were both out of breath. Jay kept his eyes locked on Stephen's face, fascinated and adoring, like a pilgrim who'd traveled hundreds of miles to kiss an artifact that had once belonged to a saint. Watching Stephen was like watching poetry unwind itself in long, unbroken chains before dancing into a new form, creating a new shape. Jay felt a pang of guilt at the thought of his many fantasies--they'd all been so base, so naïve and shallow. Stephen clearly deserved more than that.

"Jay," Stephen choked out, pulling Jay from his feverish thoughts. He focused on Stephen's eyes, surprised by their luster. Now Stephen looked like the adoring one, as though the revelation had been his and not Jay's. The meaning of that refused to present itself, and Jay couldn't puzzle it out before Stephen was kissing him and claiming the final inches. Jay's balls brushed against Stephen's ass as he settled more firmly, his tongue dipping into Jay's mouth while his muscles, his body, the world, fluttered and clenched. Jay decided it was a good thing Stephen had his tongue down Jay's throat, otherwise he was certain he'd just blurt everything. If he couldn't create the words to express the riot of emotions coursing through him, he'd borrow and steal them from Coleridge and Byron and Milton and Shakespeare. He'd pull verses from the Bible and Don Quixote. He'd babble through every Neruda stanza he could remember, and then he'd turn to Dante and Spenser. And still, he'd be incapable of expressing the true depths of devotion and awe that Stephen inspired when he rolled his hips like a slow tidal wave. Despite the urgency and hunger, the pure need, they both moved quite slowly, as though deep under water. The air weighed heavily on their limbs and spines and breath. Jay wanted more friction, more heat, but he didn't want to disrupt the sweet balance between them, the give and take that he didn't even understand. It must have been an instinctive thing, something buried so deep it could only be accessed with the help of another person. Stephen's mouth was always on or near Jay's, their breath mingling, his hair brushing across Jay's brow. He couldn't be close enough. With their tongues sliding together and Stephen sheathed tightly around Jay's cock, they still weren't close enough. Jay enveloped him with both arms, not allowing so much as an inch of light to slip between their bodies. "Stephen... I need... " "What? Tell me." "More."

"Then take it. Take what you need." Jay appreciated the permission, but he'd hoped for more than that. Some sort of instruction or hint to let him know just where to find the final, missing piece. He rolled over without thinking, not pausing to consider if Stephen would even want their positions to be reversed. The new position allowed a different angle, and Stephen bit his lip and dropped his head back with the first hard thrust. "Is that okay?" Jay asked breathlessly. "Yes, yes. Just don't stop," Stephen said, wrapping his legs around Jay's hips. He grunted each time Jay pushed into him, his cheeks turning a brighter shade of red, his mouth slack and full, wanton. Now the words pounding against Jay's skull didn't seem familiar, and the rhythm wasn't iambic pentameter, like the great sonnets, but wild and explosive, syncopated and sharp, free verse based on the natural rise and fall of Stephen's chest. "Harder," Stephen panted. "Harder. Harder. Harder." Until it became something of a poem itself. Jay responded automatically, pushing himself until his heart was pounding in his ears, but everything else felt so fucking good. If riding the stationary bicycle made him feel like he was close to touching divinity, he probably wouldn't mind exercising so much. "Oh, Jay, I'm--" Stephen tensed, clamping hard around Jay's length while his cock jerked, shooting sticky line after line of come onto Jay's belly. The knowledge that he'd somehow brought Stephen to this point was more than enough to send Jay over the edge for a second time. Jay couldn't say if it was better to come in Stephen's mouth or his ass, but the tight grip around his shaft was absolutely exquisite, and firecrackers seemed to go off in his ears and behind his eyes, until he was trembling, blind and deaf to everything but Stephen. "Worth the wait?" Stephen asked as they pulled apart to breathe. "You could say that." "I could. Do you?"

"Yes." Jay smiled. "Definitely." "Can I ask what prompted this extremely welcome turn of events?" Jay wanted to enjoy the post-coital bliss by kissing soft trails on Stephen's shoulder, not talking about the events of the afternoon. But he supposed he did owe Stephen something of an explanation. "I spoke with Jeni. And I realized I needed to accept her apology and let it go, for my own sake, if not for hers. And I thought... well, I wanted you to know that I want to change now. That I'm going to change. Though it took me over an hour to take that picture and send it." "Thank you." "For the picture?" "Yes. But mostly for trusting me." "I think I should be thanking you for being trustworthy." Stephen idly skimmed his fingers over the hair on the back of Jay's arm. "So does that mean the two of you have called a truce?" "Yes. I want Amy to be happy. Mostly I don't want to be the reason, even indirectly, that she's not." "Let me make you dinner tonight." "We could just order something in," Jay pointed out, loath to get out of bed for any reason. Stephen kissed him. "Yeah, but I like cooking for you." "Stephen, I... " "What?" "I... " No. It was probably too soon to say it, even if the feeling felt like it was as old as the cosmos. "I guess this means you're my boyfriend now?" "I'm your boyfriend now and for as long as you'll have me." "Forever." Jay murmured, not realizing he'd said it at all. He had though, and Stephen's smile softened in response. "I don't mind the sound of that." Jay blushed. "Really?" Stephen answered the question with a careful, thorough kiss

that not only confirmed he meant it, but stole the rest of Jay's doubts with it.

Pepper Espinoza

Pepper Espinoza lives in southern California with her husband and her cats. She has spent the last year working as a full time author, and intends to start graduate school in the fall. You can learn more about Pepper by visiting her website: http://www.pepperverse.net

****

Don't miss Gemini: The Wicked Things, by Pepper Espinoza, available at AmberAllure.com! Travis Olsen doesn't believe in fairy tales. When his mother warns him to be careful of the black dog that haunts the Quantock Hills, he brushes her off. Even after he meets the black dog, he's convinced the animal is just a stray and not a ghost of any kind. But when the legendary black dog turns into a man, Travis has no choice but to admit it's possible that all the old stories about the woodland are true. In order to save his mother's life from a powerful witch, Travis plunges into a world of curses and magic, pukas and fairies, and one figure stands at the center of it all. John Walford, a cursed soul who will sacrifice anything if only Travis could return his love...

Amber Quill Press, LLC

Print and Electronic Books Romance Action/Adventure Fantasy/Paranormal/SciFi Mystery/Suspense/Thriller Historical/GLBT Erotica...& more! http://www.AmberQuill.com http://www.AmberHeat.com http://www.AmberAllure.com