Forms of Devotion

FORMS OF DEVOTION ALSO BY DIANE SCHOEMPERLEN In the Language of Love Hockey Night in Canada and Other Stories The...

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FORMS OF DEVOTION

ALSO

BY

DIANE

SCHOEMPERLEN

In the Language of Love Hockey Night in Canada and Other Stories The Man of My Dreams Hockey Night in Canada Frogs and Other Stories Double

Exposures

FORMS OF DEVOTION: STORIES AND PICTURES. Copyright © 1998 by Diane Schoemperlen. All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without prior written permission except in the case of brief quotations embodied in reviews. For information address HarperCollins Publishers Ltd, Suite 2900, Hazelton Lanes, 55 Avenue Road, Toronto, Canada M5R 3L2. http://www.harpercollins.com/canada First edition

Canadian Cataloguing in Publication Data Schoemperlen, Diane Forms of devotion : stories and pictures "A Phyllis Bruce book." ISBN 0-00-224566-3 I. Title. PS8587.C4578F6 1998

C8I3'.54

C97-932329-0

PR9I99.3.S267F6 1998 98 99 00 PEN 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 Printed and bound in the United States

For my

son, Alexander,

who said it was too bad my books didn't have pictures in them

CONTENTS

FORMS

OF

DEVOTION

1

F I V E S M A L L R O O M S ( A Murder Mystery)

23

BODY LANGUAGE

39

I N N O C E N T OBJECTS

51

THE

SPACIOUS

CHAMBERS

OF H E R H E A R T

79

H O W TO WRITE

A

SERIOUS

NOVEL

ABOUT LOVE

91

A M A T T E R OF P E R S P E C T I V E

115

H O W DEEP IS T H E RIVER?

135

ON

LOOKING

FURTHER

I N T O T H E BODIES OF M E N

155

C O U N T Y O U R B L E S S I N G S ( A Fairy Tale)

171

RULES OF THUMB: AN ALPHABET OF IMPERATIVES FOR T H E M O D E R N AGE

197

S o u r c e s for I l l u s t r a t i o n s

221

Acknowledgments

223 ix

S t r a n g e l y e n o u g h w e are all s e e k i n g a f o r m o f d e v o t i o n w h i c h fits o u r sense o f w o n d e r .

— J , M a r k s , Transition

I. The

faithful are

everywhere.

FAITH They

c l i m b i n t o t h e i r cars each m o r n i n g a n d d r i v e u n d a u n t e d i n t o t h e day. They

sail

off

to

work,

perfectly

c o n f i d e n t t h a t they will i n d e e d get there: on time, intact. It does n o t occur to t h e m that they could just a s well b e b r o a d s i d e d b y a C o c a C o l a delivery t r u c k r u n n i n g t h e r e d light at the corner of Johnson and Main. T h e y do n o t imagine the bottles e x p l o d i n g , t h e w i n d s h i e l d shattering, blood They

their chests spurting just

drive.

out

collapsing, of

The

their same

the ears.

route

every day, s t o p a n d go, b a c k a n d f o r t h , a n d y e s , t h e y g e t t h e r e : safe a n d s o u n d . I n t h e s a m e u n r e m a r k able m a n n e r , they get h o m e again t o o . T h e n they s t a r t s u p p e r w i t h o u t ever o n c e m a r v e l i n g a t t h e f a c t t h a t t h e y h a v e s u r v i v e d . I t d o e s n o t o c c u r t o t h e m t h a t t h e c a n o f t u n a t h e y are u s i n g i n t h e c a s s e r o l e m i g h t b e t a i n t e d a n d t h e y c o u l d all b e d e a d o f b o t u l i s m b y m i d n i g h t . T h e y are a r m e d w i t h f a i t h . T h e y t r u s t , i f n o t i n G o d exactly, t h e n i n t h e s t e a d f a s t n o t i o n o f e v e r y d a y life. T h e y d o n o t e x p e c t t o live f o r ever o f c o u r s e , b u t t h e y w o u l d n o t b e e n t i r e l y s u r p r i s e d i f t h e y d i d . On a daily basis, d e a t h strikes t h e m m o s t l y as a calamity w h i c h befalls

5

6

DIANE

SCHOEMPERLEN

I n t h e s u m m e r , r e m e m b e r t h e w i n t e r : s n o w s p a r k l i n g i n clear s u n l i g h t , c h i l d r e n i n p u f f y s n o w s u i t s b u i l d i n g s n o w m e n a n d s u c k i n g icicles. R e m e m b e r h o c k e y r i n k s , r o s y c h e e k s , C h r i s t m a s c a r o l s , w o o l socks, a n d h o t chocolate with marshmallows. In the winter, r e m e m b e r t h e s u m m e r : t i d y g r e e n g r a s s b e n e a t h b i g b l u e sky, l o n g - l i m b e d c h i l dren playing hide-and-go-seek and r u n n i n g t h r o u g h sprinklers. R e m e m b e r barbecues, sailboats, flowers, strawberries, and pink lemonade. T h e faithful can always find s o m e t h i n g t o l o o k forward to. T h e faithful n e v e r c o n f u s e t h e f u t u r e w i t h t h e p a s t .

III. The

knowledge

of

the

KNOWLEDGE faithful

is

vast. T h e y k n o w h o w t o c h a n g e a tire on a d e s e r t e d h i g h w a y in the middle of the night without getting dirty o r killed. T h e y k n o w h o w t o bake a b i r t h d a y cake in the shape of a b u n n y r a b b i t w i t h g u m d r o p eyes and a pink peppermint nose. T h e y know

how

to

unplug

a

clogged

d r a i n w i t h b a k i n g s o d a a n d vinegar. They know hallway,

how

refinish

to

the

paint

the

hardwood

floors, wallpaper the b e d r o o m , ins u l a t e t h e a t t i c , r e s h i n g l e t h e roof, a n d install a n e w toilet. T h e y k n o w h o w to build a campfire a n d pitch a t e n t s i n g l e - h a n d e d l y . T h e y k n o w h o w t o t u n e u p t h e car, r e p a i r t h e f u r n a c e , a n d seal t h e s t o r m w i n d o w s t o p r e v e n t t h o s e n a s t y a n d e x p e n sive w i n t e r d r a f t s . T h e y k n o w h o w to p r e p a r e d i n n e r for eight in an h o u r a n d a h a l f f o r less t h a n t w e n t y d o l l a r s . T h e y k n o w h o w t o sew, k n i t , c r o c h e t , a n d cut hair. T h e y k n o w h o w t o k e e p themselves, their h o u s e s , their cars, a n d their c h i l d r e n clean, very clean. T h e y d o n o t resent having t o p e r f o r m t h e d o m e s t i c d u t i e s o f f a m i l y life. T h e y m a y even e n j o y d o i n g the laundry, washing the walls, cleaning t h e oven, a n d grocery s h o p 7

8

DIANE

SCHOEMPERLEN

p i n g . T h e y k n o w h o w t o m a k e love t o t h e s a m e p e r s o n f o r t w e n t y years w i t h o u t e i t h e r o f t h e m g e t t i n g b o r e d . T h e y k n o w h o w t o a d m i n ister C P R a n d the H e i m l i c h maneuver. T h e y k n o w h o w a n d w h e n t o have fun. T h e faithful k n o w exactly w h a t t o say a t funerals, w e d d i n g s , a n d cocktail parties. T h e y k n o w w h e n to laugh and w h e n to cry a n d they never get these t w o expressions o f e m o t i o n mixed up. T h e faithful k n o w t h e y a r e n o r m a l a n d t h e y ' r e d a m n p r o u d o f it. W h a t t h e y d o n ' t k n o w won't h u r t them.

IV.

INNOCENCE T h e faithful are s o i n n o c e n t . D e s p i t e all e v i d e n c e t o t h e c o n t r a r y , t h e y b e lieve t h a t d e e p d o w n e v e r y b o d y i s j u s t like t h e m , o r c o u l d b e . T h e y believe in benevolence, their o w n a n d other p e o p l e ' s . T h e y t h i n k t h a t , given h a l f a c h a n c e , even h a r d e n e d c r i m i n a l s a n d manic-depressives can change. T h e y are w i l l i n g to give e v e r y o n e a s e c o n d c h a n c e . F o r t h e faithful, s h a k i n g o f f d o u b t is as easy as s h a k i n g a r u g . T h e faithful believe i n law a n d o r d e r . T h e y still l o o k u p t o p o l i c e men, lawyers, teachers, d o c t o r s , a n d priests.

They

believe

every

word

t h e s e p e o p l e say. T h e y even b e l i e v e w h a t t h e r a d i o w e a t h e r m a n says i n t h e f o r e c a s t r i g h t after t h e m o r n i n g news. I t d o e s n o t o c c u r t o t h e m t h a t these a u t h o r i t y figures c o u l d b e w r o n g , c o r r u p t , o r j u s t p l a i n s t u p i d . M i n d y o u , even t h e f a i t h f u l are b e g i n n i n g to have serious reservations a b o u t politicians. T h e f a i t h f u l t a k e m a n y m i r a c u l o u s t h i n g s f o r g r a n t e d . T h i n g s like s k i n , e l e c t r i c i t y , t r e e s , w a t e r , fidelity, t h e d o g g e d r e v o l u t i o n o f t h e e a r t h a r o u n d t h e s u n . T h e y believe in b e a u t y as a b i r t h r i g h t a n d surr o u n d themselves w i t h it whenever they can. T h e y believe in interior d e c o r a t i n g a n d m a k e u p . T h e y never u n d e r e s t i m a t e the degree o f h a p 9

10

DIANE

SCHOEMPERLEN

piness to be engendered by renovating the kitchen, placing fresh-cut f l o w e r s o n t h e t a b l e , p u r c h a s i n g a set o f fine silver, a m i n k c o a t , a m i n i v a n , o r m i s c e l l a n e o u s p r e c i o u s jewels. T h e f a i t h f u l still b e l i e v e y o u g e t w h a t y o u p a y for. T h e f a i t h f u l t a k e t h i n g s a t face v a l u e . T h e y d o n o t s e a r c h f o r h i d d e n m e a n i n g s o r a g e n d a s . T h e y are n o t s k e p t i c a l , c y n i c a l , o r s u s p i cious. T h e y are n o t often ironic. T h e faithful are t h e angels a m o n g us.

V. S T R E N G T H The

faithless

say

the

faithful

are

fools. O b v i o u s l y it m u s t be getting m o r e a n d m o r e difficult t o keep t h e faith

these

days.

Read

the

paper.

W a t c h the news. W o n d e r what the world is coming to. All things considered, it has b e c o m e harder to b e lieve t h a n t o d e s p a i r . T h e f a i t h l e s s s a y t h e f a i t h f u l are missing the p o i n t . But secretly the faithless m u s t a d m i t t h a t i f indeed, a s t h e y allege, t h e r e i s n o p o i n t ( n o purpose, no reason, no hope), then t h e faithful aren't m i s s i n g a t h i n g . T h e f a i t h l e s s say t h e f a i t h f u l a r e l i v i n g m i n o r lives, trivial, m u n d a n e , f r i v o l o u s , b l i n d . B u t s e c r e t l y t h e f a i t h l e s s m u s t envy t h e f a i t h f u l , w o n d e r i n g if t h e y themselves are s i m p l y t o o f a i n t h e a r t e d for faith. W h i l e t h e faithless gaze i n t o t h e abyss, fretting, m o a n i n g , a n d b r o o d i n g , t h e f a i t h f u l are b u s y g e t t i n g o n w i t h t h e i r lives: l a b o r i n g , rejoicing,

carving

Halloween

pumpkins,

roasting

Christmas

and

T h a n k s g i v i n g t u r k e y s , b l o w i n g o u t b i r t h d a y c a n d l e s y e a r a f t e r year, a n d k i s s i n g e a c h o t h e r w e t l y a t m i d n i g h t o n N e w Year's E v e . N o m a t t e r w h a t , t h e faithful k n o w h o w t o persevere. T h e y are m a s t e r s of t h e rituals t h a t p r o t e c t t h e m . To t h e faithful, d e s p a i r is a 11

12

DIANE

SCHOEMPERLEN

foreign language w h i c h they have n e i t h e r t h e t i m e n o r t h e i n c l i n a t i o n to learn. T h e faithful frequently sing in t h e shower. T h e faithful u n d e r s t a n d t h e value o f f o r t i t u d e . T h e y carry always w i t h t h e m t h e courage o f their convictions. T h e y d o n o t g o t o extremes b u t they c o u l d p e r f o r m miracles i f they h a d to. T h e faithful will n o t b e c r u s h e d b y t h e w e i g h t o f t h e w o r l d . T h e faithful are s t u r d y a n d brave.

VI.

IMAGINATION T h e faithful have their i m a g i n a t i o n s w e l l i n h a n d . T h e y d o n o t lie a w a k e at night imagining earthquakes, torn a d o e s , flash floods, or n u c l e a r war. They

do

not

deal

in

cataclysms.

T h e y do n o t entertain the possibility of b e i n g axed to d e a t h in their beds by a psychokiller on the loose from the psychiatric hospital on the eastern edge o f town. T h e y d o n o t lie t h e r e w i d e - e y e d f o r h o u r s p i c turing

malignant

cells

through

their

uteruses,

testines,

their

their

brains.

galloping their

in-

prostate

glands,

or

To

faithful,

a

the

h e a d a c h e is a h e a d a c h e , n o t a b r a i n t u m o r . T h e y do n o t imagine themselves rotting away from the inside o u t . T h e y d o n o t have detailed sexual fantasies a b o u t t h e m a i l m a n , t h e aerobics instructor, o r their children's G r a d e T w o teacher. T h e n i g h t s o f t h e faithful are peaceful. E v e n their n i g h t m a r e s have h a p p y e n d i n g s . T h e f a i t h f u l w a k e u p s m i l i n g . T h e i r s u b c o n s c i o u s e s a r e clear. I m a g i n e p e r f e c t h e a l t h , f i n a n c i a l s e c u r i t y , y o u r m o r t g a g e p a i d off, a n e w c a r e v e r y s e c o n d year. I m a g i n e m o w i n g t h e l a w n o n S u n d a y a f t e r n o o n a n d e n j o y i n g it. I m a g i n e r a k i n g leaves i n t h e fall w i t h o u t h a v i n g t o c o n t e m p l a t e t h e f u t i l i t y o f d a i l y life. I m a g i n e y o u r g r a n d 13

14

DIANE

SCHOEMPERLEN

c h i l d r e n s i t t i n g a t y o u r k n e e w h i l e y o u tell t h e m t h e s t o r y o f y o u r life. T h e f a i t h f u l are s e l d o m h a u n t e d b y a p e s k y s e n s e o f i m p e n d i n g d o o m . T h e y i m a g i n e t h a t t h e i r lives a r e u n f o l d i n g a s t h e y w e r e m e a n t t o . T h e y i m a g i n e t h a t t h e y are free. T h e y i m a g i n e f i n d i n g t h e i r feet p l a n t e d squarely o n t h e r o a d t o heaven. T h e faithful are p r e p a r e d t o live h a p p i l y ever after. I m a g i n e l a u g h i n g i n t h e face o f t h e f u t u r e . I m a g i n e b e l o n g i n g t o t h e fine f i e r c e t r i b e o f t h e f a i t h f u l .

VII. Pray

for

sunshine,

pray

for

PRAYER rain.

P r a y for peace. P r a y for an e n d to the

suffering

of

the

unfortunate.

P r a y silently in a language s i m p l e e n o u g h for a c h i l d t o u n d e r s t a n d . I t is n o t necessary to get d o w n on y o u r k n e e s w i t h y o u r eyes c l o s e d , y o u r h a n d s clasped. It is n o t necessary to h o l d y o u r b r e a t h . P r a y while y o u are cooking

dinner,

doing the

washing

the

holding

your

sleeping

child in your arms.

Pray

with

your

floor,

dishes,

heart,

not

just

your

mouth. T h e faithful k n o w h o w t o p r a y to whatever gods they m a y worship. T h e f a i t h f u l a r e p r a y i n g all t h e t i m e , e v e r y s t e p o f t h e way. T h e i r p r a y e r s a r e n o t t h e s o r t t h a t b e g i n w i t h t h e w o r d Please. T h e y d o n o t bargain

with

their

gods

for

personal

favors.

They

do

not

make

p r o m i s e s t h e y c a n ' t k e e p , t o t h e i r g o d s o r a n y o n e else. T h e y d o n o t b e g f o r m o n e y , p o w e r , easy a n s w e r s , o r a y e l l o w P o r s c h e . T h e y d o n o t b e s e e c h , p e t i t i o n , i m p l o r e , s o l i c i t , e n t r e a t , a d j u r e , o r snivel. T h e y d o n o t throw themselves u p o n the unreliable mercy of the p a n t h e o n . T h e y are n o t d r a m a t i c zealots. T h e faithful are dignified, stalwart, a n d p a tient. All t h i n g s c o m e t o t h e m w h o will b u t wait. T h e y are c o m m i t t e d 15

16

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to s i m p l y e n d u r i n g in a p e r p e t u a l state of grace. T h e i r faith itself is a never-ending b e n e d i c t i o n . T h e faithful m a y o r m a y n o t g o t o church on Sunday. T h e i r faith is their business. T h e p r a y e r s o f t h e f a i t h f u l are m o s t l y w o r d l e s s f o r m s o f d e v o t i o n . A c t i o n s s p e a k l o u d e r t h a n l a n g u a g e . T h e f a i t h f u l are r e v e r e n t , h u m b l e , b l e s s e d . T h e y a r e always b u s y h a v i n g a r e l i g i o u s e x p e r i e n c e . T h e f a i t h f u l are s e l d o m a l a r m e d o r a f r a i d . T h e f a i t h f u l b a r e l y h a v e t i m e t o n o t i c e t h a t all t h e i r p r a y e r s h a v e b e e n a n s w e r e d .

VIII.

ABUNDANCE T h e faithful have m o r e t h a n e n o u g h o f everything. T h e y are never stingy. T h e y believe i n a b u n d a n c e a n d t h e y k n o w h o w to share the wealth. T h e y give

regularly

to

local

and

inter-

national charities a n d t o m o s t p a n h a n d l e r s . T h e y give t h e i r o l d c l o t h e s a n d toys t o t h e p o o r . T h e faithful are a l w a y s g e n e r o u s . O f c o u r s e t h e y can afford t o be. O f c o u r s e there's more where that came from. Every

evening

at

dinner

the

f a i t h f u l cry, " M o r e , m o r e , let's h a v e some

more!"

The

table

is

com-

p l e t e l y c o v e r e d w i t h h e a v y oval p l a t ters

of

meat

and

giant

bowls

of

m a s h e d p o t a t o e s a n d g a r d e n salad. T h e y always have dessert. T h e y prefer their children soft a n d p l u m p . T h e faithful never bite off m o r e t h a n they can chew. T h e d a y s o f t h e f a i t h f u l are a s full a s t h e i r s t o m a c h s . T h e y h a v e energy t o b u r n . T h e y never w h i n e a b o u t having t o o m u c h t o do. T h e y like t o b e busy. T h e y d o n o t n e e d t i m e t o t h i n k . T h e i r b o u n t y a b o u n d s . T h e i r h o m e s a n d t h e i r h e a r t s are a l w a y s full. F u l l o f e x u b e r ance or solemnity, whichever current circumstances m a y require. T h e c u p s o f t h e f a i t h f u l f r e q u e n t l y r u n n e t h over. 17

18

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T h e a r m s o f t h e f a i t h f u l are a l w a y s o p e n . T h e y h a v e t i m e f o r everyone. T h e faithful k n o w h o w t o share b o t h t h e t r i u m p h s a n d the s o r r o w s o f o t h e r s . T h e y ' v e always g o t t h e coffee o n , b l u e b e r r y m u f f i n s i n t h e o v e n , a b o x o f K l e e n e x h a n d y j u s t i n case. T h e f a i t h f u l k n o w h o w t o l i s t e n a n d t h e y o n l y offer a d v i c e w h e n t h e y ' r e a s k e d . T h e f a i t h f u l k n o w h o w t o c o u n t t h e i r b l e s s i n g s , even i f i t t a k e s all day. T h e y h a v e all t h e t i m e i n t h e w o r l d . T h e y k n o w w h e n t o t h a n k t h e i r l u c k y s t a r s . T h e f a i t h f u l are p r i v i l e g e d b u t t h e y are n o t s m u g .

IX.

WISDOM

T h e faithful are u n c o m m o n l y wise. They

are

alive.

To

indefatigably glad to the

faithful

be

everything

matters. It does n o t occur to them t h a t t h e i r w h o l e lives m a y well e n d up having been n o t h i n g b u t a waste of

time.

The

faithful

paying attention.

are

always

They know how

t o revel i n t h e r e m a r k a b l e t r e a s u r e s of t h e everyday: a p i n k rose b l o o m ing below the window, a h a m a n d cheese o m e l e t steaming on the plate, a w h i t e c a t w a s h i n g h e r face i n t h e s u n , a n e w b a b y w i t h eyes t h e c o l o r of sand,

a d o u b l e rainbow in the

w e s t e r n sky after a l o n g h a r d rain. T h e f a i t h f u l love r a i n b o w s a n d p o t s o f g o l d . T h e y k n o w h o w t o t a k e p l e a s u r e w h e r e v e r t h e y c a n f i n d it. T h e f a i t h f u l are a l w a y s e x c l a i m i n g , " L o o k , look, l o o k a t that!" T o t h e faithful n o t h i n g i s m u n d a n e . T h e faithful are everywhere. See i f y o u c a n s p o t t h e m : i n t h e b a n k lineup on Friday afternoon, at M c D o n a l d s having hamburgers and chocolate milkshakes with their children, in the park walking the d o g a t seven o ' c l o c k o n a J a n u a r y m o r n i n g , a t t h e h a r d w a r e s t o r e s h o p p i n g for a socket w r e n c h a n d a rake. T h e faithful m a y be right in y o u r o w n backyard. 19

DIANE

20

SCHOEMPERLEN

T h e faithful are t h a n k f u l for small pleasures a n d small mercies. T h e f a i t h f u l are e a r n e s t . T h e f a i t h f u l are easily a m u s e d . T h e faithful d o o r d o n o t k n o w h o w lucky they are. T h e faithful frequently cry at parades. T h e f a i t h f u l are n o t a f r a i d o f t h e d a r k b e c a u s e t h e y h a v e s e e n t h e light. N o t h i n g i s l o s t o n t h e f a i t h f u l . A s far a s t h e y are c o n c e r n e d , w o n d e r s w i l l n e v e r cease. T h e f a i t h f u l are c o n v i n c e d t h a t t h e b e s t i s y e t t o come.

X.

HOPE T h e h o p e of t h e faithful is a t o n i c . T h e i r eyes are b r i g h t , t h e i r s k i n i s clear, t h e i r h a i r i s s h i n y , a n d t h e i r b l o o d f l o w s v i g o r o u s l y t h r o u g h all o f their veins. E v e n i n t i m e s o f a d versity,

the

faithful

know

how

to

take heart. At the tiniest tingle of possibility,

the

faithful

are

not

afraid t o get their h o p e s u p . T h e y b e l i e v e i n d i v i n e p r o v i d e n c e . I t all depends

o n h o w y o u d e f i n e divine.

T h e f a i t h f u l are n o t f o o l s . A l t h o u g h t h e faithless w o u l d d i s p u t e this, t h e f a i t h f u l live i n t h e r e a l w o r l d j u s t a s much

as

anyone.

They

know

all

a b o u t h o p i n g against h o p e . But they are n o t t r o u b l e d b y p a r a d o x . T h e y are i m m u n e t o t h o s e fits o f d e s p a i r which can cripple and d u m b f o u n d . C o n c e r n i n g m a t t e r s b o t h b i g a n d s m a l l , t h e f a i t h f u l h a v e always g o t h o p e . T h e i r w h o l e lives a r e f o r m s o f p e r p e t u a l d e v o t i o n t o t h e p r o m i s e w h i c h h o p e e x t e n d s . T h e f a i t h f u l b r e a t h e h o p e l i k e air, d r i n k i t l i k e w a t e r , e a t i t like p o p c o r n . O n c e t h e y s t a r t , t h e y can't s t o p . H o p e for w o r l d peace. H o p e for a d r o p in t h e crime rate, shelter for t h e h o m e l e s s , f o o d for t h e h u n g r y , r e h a b i l i t a t i o n for t h e d e r a n g e d . H o p e y o u r s o n d o e s well o n h i s s p e l l i n g t e s t . H o p e y o u r t e a m w i n s 21

22

DIANE

SCHOEMPERLEN

t h e W o r l d Series. H o p e y o u r m o t h e r d o e s n o t have cancer. H o p e t h e p o r k c h o p s are n o t u n d e r c o o k e d . H o p e y o u r b e s t friend's h u s b a n d i s n o t h a v i n g a n affair w i t h h i s s e c r e t a r y . H o p e y o u w i n t h e l o t t e r y . H o p e the rain stops tomorrow. H o p e this story has a happy ending. T h e h o p e o f t h e f a i t h f u l i s i n f i n i t e , ever e x p a n d i n g t o fill t h e space available. F a i t h begets h o p e . H o p e begets faith. F a i t h a n d h o p e beget power. T h e faithful lean steadily i n t o t h e w i n d .

I have l e a r n e d n o t to u n d e r e s t i m a t e t h e p o w e r of r o o m s , especially a small r o o m w i t h unequivocal corners, exemplary walls, a n d wellm a n n e r e d w i n d o w s d i v i d e d i n t o m a n y r e c t a n g u l a r p a n e s . I like a s m a l l r o o m w i t h o u t curtains, carpets, misgivings, or ghosts.

I.

SMALL

ROOM WITH

PEARS

I like a r o o m p a i n t e d in a c o n f i d e n t f u l l - b o d i e d c o l o r . I s t e e r c l e a r of p a s t e l s b e c a u s e t h e y are, g e n e r a l l y s p e a k i n g , c a p r i c i o u s , i r r e s o l u t e , a n d f r e q u e n t l y coy. B l u e is a g o o d c o l o r for a s m a l l r o o m , e s p e c i a l l y if it is of a s h a d e called T i d a l P o o l , T r o p i c a l Sea, A z u r e , Atoll, or N i g h t Swim. I o n c e p a i n t e d a r o o m a s h a d e of b l u e c a l l e d R a i n y D a y . I f i n d a r a i n y d a y t o b e a fine t h i n g o n o c c a s i o n , p a r t i c u l a r l y a f t e r a n u n m i t i gated stretch of gratuitous sunshine. In that blue r o o m , I kept a stock

25

DIANE

26

SCHOEMPERLEN

o f u m b r e l l a s ready a t h a n d just i n case. T h i s was t h e f i r s t r o o m I h a d ever p a i n t e d all b y myself. F o r y e a r s I h a d b e l i e v e d t h a t p a i n t i n g a r o o m w a s a t a s k I c o u l d n e v e r m a s t e r , a t a s k b e t t e r left t o p r o f e s s i o n a l s or m e n . After I finished p a i n t i n g this r o o m , I was as p r o u d of myself as if I h a d discovered t h e N o r t h w e s t Passage. T h i s r o o m h a d m a n y o u t s t a n d i n g f e a t u r e s i n c l u d i n g l o t s o f large cupboards a n d a counter ample e n o u g h to p e r f o r m surgery on if necessary. I n t h e c u p b o a r d s I k e p t all k i n d s o f t h i n g s : d r e s s e s t h a t n o l o n g e r f i t o r f l a t t e r e d m e , a b i r d ' s n e s t I'd f o u n d i n t h e p a r k w h e n I w a s six, a r e d a n d w h i t e lace n e g l i g e e , t h e p r o g r a m f r o m a m u s i c a l v e r s i o n o f Macbeth, several s i n g l e s o c k s a n d e a r r i n g s , i n s t r u c t i o n m a n u a l s f o r a radio, a blow-dryer, a n d a lawn m o w e r t h a t I no longer o w n e d , a p a c k age o f l o v e l e t t e r s t i e d u p w i t h a b l a c k s a t i n r i b b o n . N o m a t t e r h o w m a n y secrets I stowed in these c u p b o a r d s , they never filled up. Often I found myself wandering into the blue r o o m in the m i d d l e of the night. I w o u l d stand naked staring into the refrigerator at three i n t h e m o r n i n g , u n t i l t h e c o l d air gave m e g o o s e b u m p s a n d m y n i p ples g o t h a r d . It was a very o l d refrigerator w h i c h s o m e t i m e s c h i r p e d like a d i s t a n t m e l a n c h o l y c r i c k e t . I w a s s e a r c h i n g n o t for f o o d s o m u c h as for m e m o r i e s , m o t i v e s , an alibi: h o w it l o o k e d , h o w it h a p p e n e d , when. I w o u l d reach into the refrigerator a n d pull o u t a c h u n k of h a m , a c h i c k e n l e g , a slice o f c h e e s e , o r s o m e f r u i t . P e a r s w e r e m y f a v o r i t e . I m a g i n e t h e feel o f t h e s w e e t g r i t t y f l e s h o n y o u r t o n g u e , t h e v o l u p t u o u s juice o n y o u r chin. Pears are s o delicate. M y f i n g e r t i p s m a d e bruises on their thin m o t t l e d skin. T h i s w a s n o t h i n g like " T h e L o v e S o n g o f J . A l f r e d P r u f r o c k " : Shall I part my hair behind? Do I dare to eat a peach?/ I shall wear white flannel trousers, and walk upon the beach. / I have heard the mermaids singing, each to each. P e a c h e s I a m n o t f o n d of. T h e i r f u z z gives m e s h i v e r s like f i n g e r n a i l s

FIVE

SMALL

27

ROOMS

o n a c h a l k b o a r d . T h e c o l o r o f t h e i r flesh c l o s e t o t h e p i t i s t o o m u c h like t h a t o f m e a t c l o s e t o t h e b o n e . M y c o n s u m p t i o n o f p e a r s h a d n o t h i n g to do w i t h d a r i n g or indecision. It was strictly a m a t t e r of p u r e p l e a s u r e , w h i c h always c o m e s a s a g r e a t relief. A t t h a t p o i n t i n m y life I d h a d n o d e a l i n g s w i t h m e r m a i d s a n d d i d n o t e x p e c t t o . I a m t o n e d e a f and, m u c h as I a d m i r e a g o o d b o d y of water, I have never learned to swim. A s f o r t h e w o m e n w h o c o m e a n d g o , t h e y a r e n o t likely t o b e t a l k ing of Michelangelo.

II.

SMALL

ROOM WITH

SEASHELLS

Later there was a n o t h e r small blue r o o m , this o n e p a i n t e d in a shade called A t l a n t i s because it was situated on t h e very edge of the o c e a n . I n t h i s r o o m I e n j o y e d t h e o m n i p r e s e n t o d o r o f salt w a t e r a n d t h e u b i q u i t o u s s o u n d o f t h e surf. T h e s e s t r u c k m e a s t w o t h i n g s I w o u l d n e v e r g r o w t i r e d of.

DIANE

28

SCHOEMPERLEN

T h i s r o o m was very sturdy, w i t h s u p p o r t b e a m s as substantial a n d steadfast as tree t r u n k s . T h e w i n d o w s were recessed d e e p i n t o the t h i c k o u t e r w a l l s . T h e s e walls w e r e s o l i d s t r a i g h t t h r o u g h , n o t h o l l o w i n t h e m i d d l e like m o s t . T h e y p u t m e i n m i n d o f c h o c o l a t e E a s t e r b u n n i e s , h o w t h e b e s t b u n n i e s a r e t h e s o l i d o n e s , h o w c h e a t e d y o u feel w h e n b i t i n g i n t o a h o l l o w o n e only to discover it is just a t h i n shell of c h o c o l a t e a r o u n d a r a b b i t - s h a p e d p o c k e t o f s w e e t e m p t y air. H e r e I often wandered out to the beach in the middle of the night. I did n o t wear white flannel trousers a n d I never heard the m e r m a i d s singing. I h a d no desire to d i s t u r b t h e universe. I simply s t o o d t h e r e w i t h m y t o e s i n t h e o c e a n a n d m y h e a d i n t h e sky. T h e h a i r o n my arms stood up in the moonlight. I studied the constellations and t h o u g h t a b o u t w o r d s like firmament, nebula, a n d galactic cannibalism. I h a d to k e e p r e m i n d i n g myself t h a t s o m e of t h e stars I was seeing were alr e a d y d e a d . I h a d t r o u b l e a t first w i t h t h e w h o l e n o t i o n o f l i g h t - y e a r s , with time as a function of distance, speed, a n d illumination, rather than as simply the conduit from then to now. On cloudy nights, when I could n o t pursue the perfection of my t h e o r y of stars, I t u r n e d instead to collecting t h e miscellaneous offeri n g s w h i c h t h e o c e a n s o m u n i f i c e n t l y d e p o s i t e d a t m y feet. I g a t h e r e d seashells by t h e fistful, listened for t h e o c e a n in each of t h e m , a n d i t w a s always t h e r e , like t h e s a m e m o o n s e e n f r o m e v e r y c o n t i n e n t , t h e s a m e G o d p e t i t i o n e d i n every p r a y e r . F r o m t h e s a n d I p l u c k e d m o o n shells, h a r p shells, angel wings, h e l m e t s , goblets, b u t terflies, cockles, a n d t u s k s . Less plentiful a n d s o o f c o u r s e m o r e desirable

were

the

sundial

and

chambered

nautilus

shells.

Id

read

s o m e w h e r e o n c e h o w t h e y o u n g c e p h a l o p o d a t f i r s t lives i n t h e c e n t e r o f its s h e l l b u t a s i t g r o w s larger, i t m u s t m o v e f o r w a r d , s e a l i n g o f f e a c h c h a m b e r b e h i n d itself. T h i s w o u l d b e like s h u t t i n g a d o o r a n d having it permanently locked behind you.

FIVE

SMALL

29

ROOMS

T h e s e a s h e l l s , like t h e s t a r s , w e r e l o n g d e a d , t h e b e a u t i f u l c a s t - o f f h u s k s o f the ugly m o l l u s k s t h a t h a d m a d e t h e m . O n l y these p r e t t y skeletons h a d survived, just as it was only t h e light of the stars t h a t c o u l d still r e a c h m e . I t h o u g h t l o n g a n d h a r d a b o u t c h a m b e r s , s k e l e t o n s , a series of small r o o m s , t h e m i s s i n g b o d i e s of seashells a n d stars. T h e r e w e r e o t h e r t h i n g s t o o o f f e r e d u p b y t h e sea: t a n g l e d b a l l s o f f i s h i n g l i n e , p l a s t i c b a g s , a b r a c e l e t , a k n i f e . A p a i r of p a n t y h o s e , a s e t o f k e y s , a b a t h i n g s u i t , a n d several u s e d c o n d o m s . P i e c e s o f d r i f t w o o d like b o n e s , c o i l s o f s e a w e e d l i k e e n t r a i l s . O n e n i g h t I f o u n d a w a t e r b l o a t e d c o p y of a m u r d e r m y s t e r y c a l l e d Dead Dead Double Dead. T h e l a s t five p a g e s w e r e m i s s i n g . T h i s , I c o u l d n o t h e l p b u t t h i n k , w a s h i t t i n g a little t o o close to h o m e . Apparently the ocean, in addition to being a weighty and a m bivalent s y m b o l of d y n a m i c forces, t r a n s i t i o n a l states, t h e collective unconscious,

chaos,

creation,

a n d u n i v e r s a l w o m a n h o o d i n all its

b e n e v o l e n t a n d h e i n o u s i n c a r n a t i o n s , w a s a l s o t h e r e p o s i t o r y o f all lost things. I h a d long wondered what h a p p e n e d to those socks that w e n t into the washing m a c h i n e a n d never c a m e out. A t t h i s t i m e I still b e l i e v e d t h a t I c o u l d s u m m o n u p m y f o r m e r self whenever I was ready, t h a t I c o u l d g a t h e r up my i n n o c e n c e a n d s t e p b a c k i n t o i t like a n o l d p a i r o f s h o e s . N o w I b e g a n t o see t h i s w a s no longer t r u e . Eventually I realized t h a t in this small r o o m I was forever i n d a n g e r o f d r o w n i n g o r b e i n g s w a l l o w e d b y a sea m o n s t e r . T h i s epiphany marked the end of my blue period.

III.

SMALL

ROOM WITH

CATS

V a r i o u s s h a d e s o f b r o w n are g o o d for s m a l l r o o m s t o o . B r o w n i m p a r t s a sense of serenity, solidity, a n d security. I m a g i n e lying d o w n on a b e d o f w a r m s o i l . I m a g i n e b e i n g b u r i e d alive a n d l i k i n g it. I a m p a r t i a l t o

30

DIANE

SCHOEMPERLEN

a n y c o l o r o f b r o w n t h a t l o o k s like coffee w i t h m i l k i n i t o r a n y s h a d e t h a t i s n a m e d after f o o d : H o n e y N u t , B r a n M u f f i n , C a r a m e l C h i p , o r I n d i a n C o r n . I n a s m a l l r o o m p a i n t e d a c o l o r c a l l e d P u m p k i n Loaf, I always felt full. S o m e t i m e s i n t h e m o r n i n g I t h o u g h t I c o u l d s m e l l t h e sweet b r e a d baking.

In this r o o m there were tables b u t no chairs. Clearly the i m p o r tance of chairs has b e e n overestimated. I quickly g o t over my atavistic l o n g i n g s for t h e m . S o o n e n o u g h I c o u l d h a r d l y i m a g i n e w h a t I d ever d e e m e d to be indispensable a b o u t chairs. Like so m a n y o t h e r things I o n c e t h o u g h t I c o u l d n e v e r live w i t h o u t , c h a i r s , o n c e I g o t u s e d t o t h e i r a b s e n c e , p r o v e d t o b e j u s t a n o t h e r h a b i t , a k n e e - j e r k reflex like f l i n c h i n g , a p o l o g i z i n g , o r falling i n love. T h e o n l y t i m e I s e r i o u s l y m i s s e d t h e m w a s w h e n I w a n t e d t o sit d o w n a n d t i e m y s h o e s . T h i s w a s like w i s h i n g f o r a m a n w h e n y o u w a n t t o c l e a n o u t t h e e a v e s t r o u g h or o p e n a n e w jar of pickles. T h e r e were also m a n y shelves i n this b r o w n r o o m , tidy well-spaced

FIVE

SMALL

ROOMS

31

s h e l v e s l i k e b o x e s b u i l t r i g h t i n t o t h e w a l l . S o m e o f t h e m still b o r e i t e m s left b e h i n d b y s o m e f o r m e r fugitive t e n a n t . T h e r e w a s a p i n k l a m p s h a d e which, in a h a p p i e r time, I m i g h t have p u t on my head. T h e r e were s o m e pale yellow b e d sheets, soft from m a n y washings, stained with

the

bodily

fluids

of long-gone

strangers.

No

matter

w h e r e y o u go, y o u are always leaving i n c r i m i n a t i n g t i d b i t s of evidence behind you. T h e r e w a s a s t a c k o f o l d National Geographic m a g a z i n e s . E v e r y o n e h a s a p i l e o f t h e s e s t a s h e d a w a y s o m e w h e r e . T h e r e w e r e a l s o several e m p t y p i c t u r e frames p r o p p e d u p o n t h e shelves a n d h a m m e r e d t o t h e walls. I carefully c u t p h o t o g r a p h s f r o m t h e m a g a z i n e s a n d s t u c k t h e m i n t h e s e f r a m e s . I s e l e c t e d several p a n o r a m i c v i e w s o f j u n g l e s , m o u n t a i n s , fields o f w h e a t . I c h o s e s k i e s w i t h o u t c l o u d s , seas w i t h o u t b o a t s , landscapes w i t h o u t figures. I changed these pictures often so as n o t to feel t h a t I w a s j u s t t r e a d i n g w a t e r o r r u n n i n g i n p l a c e . H e r e I k e p t c a t s f o r c o m p a n y . I like t h e l o o k o f a s m a l l r o o m w i t h t w o c a t s i n it. I t r i e d t o e m u l a t e t h e w a y t h e y c a n s e t t l e t h e m s e l v e s a n y w h e r e like b o n e l e s s s h a p e - s h i f t i n g p i l l o w s a n d h o w , w h e n falling f r o m a g r e a t h e i g h t , t h e y w i l l a l m o s t a l w a y s l a n d o n t h e i r feet. I w a s i m pressed t o o by their apparently infinite ability to adapt, t h e way they c a n live w e l l a n y w h e r e : in an alley, a b a r n , a p a l a c e , or a s m a l l b r o w n r o o m w i t h tables a n d shelves, n o chairs. I t o l d my cats stories of o t h e r cats, f a m o u s cats, tenacious cats, h e r o i c c a t s , m i r a c u l o u s c a t s w h o f o u n d t h e i r w a y h o m e a g a i n after traveling t h r o u g h endless miles of wilderness, fording rivers, scaling canyons, l e a p i n g tall b u i l d i n g s w i t h a single b o u n d . My cats curled a r o u n d m e a n d p u r r e d . I t i s n o t t r u e t h a t cats only p u r r w h e n they're happy. T h e y also d o i t w h e n they're w o r r i e d o r i n pain. I n m y t i m e I have b e e n accused o f m a n y t h i n g s : jealousy, a r r o gance, selfishness, viciousness, laziness, bitterness, a n d lust. Also infi-

32

DIANE

SCHOEMPERLEN

delity, inclemency, insanity, i m m o r a l i t y , a n d p r i d e . I have b e e n called reckless, heartless, shameless, malicious, sarcastic, d e m a n d i n g , d o m i neering, c o l d - b l o o d e d , a n d cruel. T h e cats, o f course, k n e w n o n e o f t h i s a n d d i d n o t care t o a s k . T h e y w e r e well a w a r e o f t h e p e r i l s o f c u riosity, t h e trials a n d t r i b u l a t i o n s o f b e i n g m i s u n d e r s t o o d . T h e r e i s alw a y s s o m e o n e w h o w i l l b e o f f e n d e d b y a cat's e n t h u s i a s m f o r k i l l i n g . T h i n k of t h e way they play w i t h their prey a n d t h e n , o n c e it is suffic i e n t l y d e a d , h o w t h e y always e a t t h e h e a d first, o f t e n s w a l l o w i n g i t w h o l e . T h i n k o f t h e w a y t h e y leave t h e h e a r t s b e h i n d , t h o s e s l i m y l i t t l e l u m p s d r a w i n g flies i n t h e driveway. M y s e l f , I d o n o t f i n d t h i s d i s t a s t e ful. T h e r e i s always s o m e o n e w h o w i l l tell y o u t h a t y o u r i n s t i n c t s a r e w r o n g . O u t s i d e , the sweet yellow fog pressed against the w i n d o w p a n e s .

IV.

SMALL

ROOM WITH

MOTH

M o s t k i n d s o f g r e e n p a i n t , a s y o u w o u l d e x p e c t , are n a m e d after p a s t o r a l s c e n e s a n d g r o w i n g t h i n g s : M e a d o w , P a s t u r e , O r c h a r d , Leaf, Broccoli, Asparagus, Spinach, a n d Dill. In a small r o o m painted a s h a d e c a l l e d F o r e s t L a n e , t h e air w a s a l w a y s m o i s t , e m i t t i n g a n i n t i m a t e o d o r o f n e w g r o w t h a n d d e c a y . T h e l i g h t w a s leafy a n d d i f f u s e , like a g r e e n g l a z e o n m y s k i n . T h e c e i l i n g w a s d o n e i n M a i d e n o f t h e M i s t , a h u m i d c o l o r m u c h like t h a t o f t h e s k y o n a h a z y A u g u s t a f t e r n o o n . If I stared at this ceiling for t o o long, I f o u n d I c o u l d n o t catch my breath. W h e r e t h e walls m e t t h e c e i l i n g t h e r e w e r e c u r v e s i n s t e a d o f straight lines a n d angles. T h e t o p s o f t h e w i n d o w s a n d d o o r w a y were vaulted t o o . I enjoyed these arches t h e way y o u enjoy a s y m p h o n y , y o u r w h o l e b o d y t h r i l l i n g a t t h e c r e s c e n d o ' s i n e v i t a b l e a p p r o a c h . I like a g o o d o l d - f a s h i o n e d s y m p h o n y , t h e way i t stirs t h e b l o o d . A t this p o i n t in my life I k n e w I w a s r i p e f o r a t r a n s f o r m a t i o n .

FIVE

SMALL

33

ROOMS

I n this r o o m there were m a n y solid w o o d e n benches, the p u r p o s e o f w h i c h w a s n e v e r clear. P e r h a p s t h e r o o m h a d o n c e b e e n t h e m e e t i n g place of a secret cult w h o s e m e m b e r s w o u l d sit on these b e n c h e s in r o w s o f black cloaks a n d h o o d s , w o r s h i p i n g their various devils a n d

gods,

planning their next move.

Arranged upon

these

mysterious

benches was an impressive a s s o r t m e n t of cookware, m e t a l p o t s a n d bowls o f m a n y sizes, s o m e battered, s o m e s m o o t h . P e r h a p s these h a d b e e n u s e d t o b o i l t h e sacrificial v i r g i n s o r l a m b s . M y d e s i r e s b o t h t o c o o k a n d t o eat having been d i s l o d g e d b y t h e h e a t a n d m y overactive i m a g i n a t i o n , I f i l l e d t h e s e vessels w i t h f l o w e r s i n s t e a d o f s t e w , s a c r i f i cial o r o t h e r w i s e . I n t h i s g r e e n r o o m I a t e o n l y r a w g r e e n t h i n g s : l e t t u c e , celery, s w e e t p e p p e r s , a n d l i m e s . H e r e I d i d n o t w a n d e r a t n i g h t . I still w e n t t o b e d n o t k n o w i n g w h a t I h a d been accused of b u t this u n c e r t a i n t y no longer t o r m e n t e d m e . I h a d only t w o b a d dreams during my sojourn in this green r o o m . T h e first was of having my h e a d shriveled to t h e size of a small sweet

34

DIANE

SCHOEMPERLEN

pepper, t h e n sliced in h a l f a n d served u p o n a big green platter. T h e s e c o n d was of having my b o d y covered w i t h a fine w h i t e p o w d e r a n d t h e n p i n n e d still w r i g g l i n g t o t h e wall. I t w a s n o t a g r e e n w a l l . I t w a s a r e d wall. I s l e p t flat o n m y b a c k w i t h t h e w i n d o w s o p e n a n d a c a n d l e burning on the floor beside me. M o t h s flew i n t h r o u g h t h e o p e n w i n d o w s , m i s g u i d e d emissaries f r o m t h e u n b r i d l e d night. T h e p a t t e r n s o n their wings were w r i t t e n i n a language I d i d n o t yet u n d e r s t a n d . T h e y c a m e from miles a r o u n d , u n a b l e to resist the sweet d e a d l y pull of t h e flame any m o r e t h a n I c o u l d ever r e s i s t a r i p e p e a r , a g o o d m u r d e r m y s t e r y , o r a m a n w h o s a i d h e c o u l d save m e . M o t h s , like h u m a n s , e n g a g e i n c o m p l i c a t e d c o u r t ship

rituals

which

involve

elaborate

dances

and

sudden

dazzling

flights. It was h a r d to d e t e r m i n e w h e t h e r they were c o u r t i n g each o t h e r o r t h e p r o m i s e o f a h o t d r a m a t i c d e a t h . I c o u l d have r e a c h e d u p from my b e d a n d t o u c h e d t h e m . But as a child I was t o l d you m u s t n e v e r t o u c h a m o t h b e c a u s e i f t h a t fine p o w d e r i s r u b b e d o f f i t s w i n g s , it will die. O u t s i d e , I t h o u g h t I h e a r d voices b u t I was m i s t a k e n . I d i d n o t t o u c h t h e m o t h s . T h e y d i e d anyway. In t h e m o r n i n g I would find their corpses littering the floor a r o u n d my guttered candle. T h e i r b e a u t i f u l w i n g s w e r e s c o r c h e d , t h e i r f e a t h e r y a n t e n n a e fried, t h a t m a g i c p o w d e r t u r n e d to ash. T h e r e was a lesson to be learned here, s o m e t h i n g a b o u t fortitude a n d the purification of t h e soul by fire. E i t h e r t h a t o r t h e m o t h s w e r e s i m p l y t o o s t u p i d t o s u r v i v e . S o m e p e o p l e b e l i e v e t h a t w h i t e m o t h s are a c t u a l l y t h e s o u l s o f t h e d e a d a n d that if a black m o t h flies into a house, it m e a n s that s o m e o n e w h o lives t h e r e w i l l d i e w i t h i n t h e year. L o o k i n g b a c k o n m y o w n life, i t i s h a r d t o d e t e r m i n e w h i c h w a s the m o t h a n d which was the flame. In these m a t t e r s , there is no such thing as black and white.

FIVE

V.

SMALL

35

ROOMS

SMALL ROOM W I T H

CLOCKS

I h a v e l e a r n e d t o b e w a r y o f t h e p u r p l e s w h i c h h a v e n a m e s like D a z z l e , D e l u s i o n , C h a r a d e , M i r a g e , a n d M a s q u e r a d e . W h e n I first p a i n t e d t h i s s m a l l r o o m a s h a d e o f p u r p l e c a l l e d N e w Year's E v e , i t w a s e a s y t o f o o l m y s e l f i n t o b e l i e v i n g t h a t h e r e I c o u l d m a k e t i m e s t a n d still. I imagined myself poised in the middle of the c o u n t d o w n to midnight. A l l a r o u n d me e x p e c t a n t v o i c e s c h a n t e d : Ten nine eight seven six jive. T h e n t h e y s t o p p e d . T h o u s a n d s o f u p t u r n e d faces g a p e d i n c r e d u l o u s l y a s t h e silver b a l l h u n g t h e r e a n d d r o p p e d n o f a r t h e r . L i k e t h e b o y w i t h his finger in t h e dike, I believed I c o u l d h o l d b a c k t i m e by t h e sheer f o r c e s o f will, d e s i r e , a n d g o o d i n t e n t i o n s . I w a s e n c o u r a g e d b y t h e k n o w l e d g e t h a t ancient sailors w i t h o u t clocks h a d navigated solely by instinct a n d fortuity. T h i s r o o m , like t h e o t h e r s , h a s l a r g e w i n d o w s d i v i d e d i n t o m a n y r e c t a n g u l a r p a n e s , t h i c k walls s o l i d s t r a i g h t t h r o u g h , b u i l t - i n s h e l v e s filled w i t h a n e f f i c i e n t a r r a y o f c o o k w a r e , several s t u r d y t a b l e s , a n d n o c h a i r s . I see n o w t h a t I a m b e g i n n i n g t o r e p e a t myself. I n a n o l d b a r r e l w i t h w o o d e n slats a n d r u s t e d iron b a n d s I f o u n d t w o large c l o c k s , i d e n t i c a l i n e v e r y way. U n d e r n o r m a l c i r c u m s t a n c e s , I a p p r e c i a t e an accurate clock b u t here I t r i e d n o t to dwell on t h e fact t h a t these t w o clocks kept impeccable time. It was winter. C h r i s t m a s was c o m i n g . I h u n g clusters of p u r p l e glass b a u b l e s f r o m t h e c e i l i n g o n s t r a n d s o f invisible t h r e a d . T h i s w a s m e a n t t o b e festive. O u t s i d e , i t s h o u l d h a v e b e e n s n o w i n g . B u t i n t h i s p a r t of the w o r l d at this t i m e of the year it rains instead. E a c h n i g h t a s d u s k fell, I l i k e d t o s i t o n t h e e d g e o f t h e t a b l e c l o s e s t t o t h e w i n d o w s . I w o u l d r o l l u p m y s h i r t sleeves, e a t m y t o a s t , a n d s i p m y s w e e t m i l k y tea. S o m e t i m e s i t w a s r a i n i n g , c o l d d r o p s o n b l a c k asphalt. O n C h r i s t m a s Eve, children sang carols i n t h e street, their

36

DIANE

SCHOEMPERLEN

faces a n d t h e i r v o i c e s c h e r u b i c u n d e r r e d a n d g r e e n u m b r e l l a s i n t h e rain. I was s m u g , t h i n k i n g myself exempt from the passage of time, the wretched welter of loneliness, the annoying need to question, insist, o r e x p l a i n . D e s p i t e all t h e e v i d e n c e a g a i n s t m e , I w a s n o t a f r a i d . I t w a s easy e n o u g h t o b e b r a v e w i t h t h e s e p u r p l e walls w r a p p e d like t h e robes of royalty a r o u n d m e . O n N e w Year's m o r n i n g I a w o k e t o t h e s o u n d o f a m i l l i o n c a l e n dars t u r n i n g their pages in t h e w i n d . I was forced to a c k n o w l e d g e the u n b e a r a b l e s w e e t n e s s o f b e i n g . Y o u c a n r u n b u t y o u can't h i d e . Now I

find myself

watching

the

clocks

instead

of

the

rain-

s p r i n k l e d s t r e e t . T h e i r faces a r e i m p a s s i v e b u t t h e i r h a n d s a r e always i n m o t i o n . All m e c h a n i c a l clocks d e p e n d o n t h e slow c o n t r o l l e d release of power. Like t h e ticking of t h e clocks, there is a refrain in my h e a d all d a y l o n g n o w : Be careful. Be careful. Be careful. S o m e t i m e s it is o n l y b a c k g r o u n d n o i s e a n d I a m n o t a c t u a l l y h e a r i n g it. B u t t h e n , i f I p a y a t t e n t i o n t o i t even f o r a n i n s t a n t , i t d r i v e s e v e r y t h i n g else r i g h t o u t o f m y h e a d . T h i s i s like t h e w a y m o t h e r s a r e always w a r n i n g t h e i r r a m b u n c t i o u s c h i l d r e n : Be careful, don't fall. Be careful, don't bump your bead. Be careful, it's hot. Be careful, it's sharp. Be earful, it's dark. W h e n I n e e d to hear a h u m a n voice instead of this carnivorous t i c k i n g o f m y b r a i n a n d t h e c l o c k s , I t a l k t o t h e walls. T a l k i n g t o t h e walls i s n o t n e c e s s a r i l y a b a d t h i n g , n o t i f t h e y are g o o d s t r o n g w a l l s , p e r f e c t l y p e r p e n d i c u l a r , freshly p a i n t e d , c o o l a n d s m o o t h w h e n y o u p r e s s y o u r fevered l i p s a g a i n s t t h e m . P u r p l e walls i n p a r t i c u l a r c a n c o n v i n c e y o u t h a t e v e r y t h i n g y o u are t e l l i n g t h e m i s b r i l l i a n t , w i t t y , and profound. T i m e , t h e y say, h e a l s all w o u n d s . U n l e s s o f c o u r s e t h e w o u n d s w e r e fatal i n t h e first p l a c e . H e i s n o t L a z a r u s . H e w i l l n o t rise f r o m t h e d e a d . E v e n t i m e h a s its l i m i t s . D o n o t e x p e c t t h a t y o u r life w i l l f o l low the orderly unfolding of beginning, middle, a n d end. O n c e u p o n

FIVE

SMALL

ROOMS

37

a t i m e o u r h e a r t s w e r e i n n o c e n t , g e n e r o u s , a n d sweet, o h s o sweet, s w e e t h e a r t s . It is t i m e to m a k e it clear that, a l t h o u g h hell i n d e e d h a t h no f u r y like a w o m a n s c o r n e d , still I d i d n o t leave h i s h e a r t t o d r a w flies i n t h e d r i v e w a y . I d i d n o t e a t h i s h e a d first. I d i d n o t s w a l l o w i t w h o l e . It is time to t u r n my back on the seduction of these small r o o m s . It is t i m e to a d d r e s s t h e issues a n d answer t h e charges. It is t i m e to go h o m e : h o m e , w h e r e t h e walls are w h i t e a n d t h e h e a r t s are b l a c k . O h , do n o t a s k , " W h e r e is i t ? " Let us go and make our visit. I t i s t i m e t o m a k e i t clear t h a t I d i d n o t k i l l h i m . B u t y e s , o h y e s , I wanted to.

On a g o o d day (a g o o d day being one on which they do n o t argue at breakfast, she kisses h i m g o o d b y e o n t h e m o u t h a t t h e d o o r before they m a k e their separate ways to work, they have p l a n s for t h e evening w h i c h involve g o o d friends,

fancy clothes,

white wine,

and red

m e a t ) his t h r o a t goes loose w i t h happiness. H i s t o n g u e is nimble a n d lithe. T h e words f l o w o u t o f h i m : clever, w i t t y , a n d r e m a r k a b l y intelligent. He smiles at strangers on his way to the subway station and laughs aloud with d e l i g h t a t t h e w a t e r y g u r g l i n g o f a fat b a b y i n a b l u e s t r o l l e r . H e i s c o n f i d e n t , f l u e n t , a n d affable. H e c o u l d t a l k all d a y l o n g t o a n y o n e about anything.

On a bad day (a bad day being one on w h i c h s h e c u r s e s h i m b e c a u s e t h e coffee i s cold, the toast is b u r n t , the sun is n o t shini n g ; a n d s h e c a n n o t l o o k h i m i n t h e eye w h e n t h e y leave f o r w o r k ,

s h e says

she

w o n ' t b e h o m e till l a t e , she's n o t s u r e h o w late) his t h r o a t freezes i n t o formality. H e i s a r t i c u l a t e b u t icy. H i s l a n g u a g e i s l a d e n w i t h precision a n d g o o d g r a m m a r . T o his coworkers he says, " P e r h a p s I shall . . . we intend . . . I assume . . . I spoke with you previously regarding this issue." H i s sentences are w e i g h t e d w i t h p o m p o u s pauses.

41

42

DIANE

SCHOEMPERLEN

H i s c h e s t i s p u f f e d o u t w i t h w h a t l o o k s like s e l f - i m p o r t a n c e b u t is, i n fact, injury. H i s s p i n e i s s t i f f w i t h o f f e n s e . All day l o n g ( o n a b a d day) there is a k n o t in his s t o m a c h , a sour b o w of anxiety which tightens a n d loosens a n d tightens again as the h o u r s s l o w l y p a s s . S o m e t i m e s i t s h a k e s i t s e l f free a n d f l o w s u p w a r d t o h i s c h e s t s o h e c a n n o t fill h i s l u n g s w i t h b r e a t h , o r d o w n w a r d t o his intestines w h i c h creak a n d whistle d a n gerously. H i s coworkers ask h i m t o join t h e m for l u n c h . H e d e c l i n e s i n a w h i s p e r o f m e l ancholy martyrdom. T h e y know better than t o a s k w h a t ' s w r o n g . H e w i l l say, " N o t h i n g ! " in an accusing voice, affronted by their curiosity. By t h e e n d of t h e day, his s t o m a c h is a tight h o t d r u m o f gray w o r r y a n d black bile. I t appears slightly dist e n d e d a n d h e c a r r i e s i t b e f o r e h i m like a v o l a t i l e b a r r e l o f t o x i c w a s t e . H e closes u p his office a n d walks t h e four blocks t o the subway station. H e takes no notice of the weather. It could be sunny, it c o u l d be raining, it could be a hurricane f o r all h e cares. H e p u s h e s p a s t a n o l d l a d y w a l k i n g t o o slowly, e l b o w s h i s w a y a r o u n d a young m o t h e r consoling a crying toddler a t the curb. H e keeps his h e a d d o w n a n d t r u d g e s t h r o u g h t h e traffic, g l a r i n g a t t h e ground.

His

legs

stumps.

His

knees

are

a

pair

of

aching

alternately threaten

to

give o u t o r seize u p . H e s t a n d s a n d w a i t s . H e s t u d i e s h i s s h o e s . T h e y are ugly. He takes a seat on t h e train a n d crosses

BODY

LANGUAGE

43

h i s n u m b legs p r i m l y . A w o m a n sits d o w n b e s i d e h i m b u t s h r i n k s i n t o h e r s i d e o f t h e s e a t a n d l o o k s away. P e r h a p s h e i s m u t t e r i n g t o h i m s e l f . P e r h a p s he is m o a n i n g softly as he clutches his knees w i t h b o t h h a n d s .

T h e h o u s e w h e n he gets there is empty. A l t h o u g h he has expected this, still h e g o e s f r o m r o o m t o r o o m s e a r c h i n g . T h e k i t c h e n i s o m i n o u s l y i m m a c u l a t e , as if it will never be u s e d again. Every surface shines, as if even t h e f i n g e r p r i n t s h a v e b e e n w i p e d c l e a n . T h e l i v i n g r o o m i s a w e l l a p p o i n t e d m u s e u m , e n t i r e l y free o f c l u t t e r , d u s t , a n d o x y g e n . H e g o e s upstairs. O n l y the b e d r o o m is in disarray, the sheets a n d blankets in a r u m p l e d p i l e , t h r e e o f h e r silk b l o u s e s tossed

among

them,

her white

night-

g o w n discarded in a p u d d l e on t h e floor, her earrings

scattered sparkling

across

t h e t o p o f t h e black dresser. I n t h e b a t h r o o m h e faces h i m s e l f i n t h e m i r r o r . H e o p e n s h i s eyes a s w i d e a s h e c a n a n d still h e c a n n o t see h e r .

O n a g o o d day, s h e w o u l d h a v e b e e n h o m e before h i m . I f t h e y have p l a n n e d t o have d i n n e r out, she is already getting dressed w h e n h e arrives. S h e a s k s h i s o p i n i o n o n h e r outfit. She suggests other possibilities, h o l d ing each up

against herself a n d sashaying

t h r o u g h t h e b e d r o o m . H e tells h e r t h e y are all p e r f e c t , t h e s h i m m e r i n g e x p e n s i v e d r e s s e s t h a t cling to h e r slim b o d y , sliding over h e r like w a t e r w h e n s h e m o v e s . T h e y a r e all p e r fect: h o w c a n h e ever d e c i d e ? D o w n s t a i r s i n

44

DIANE

SCHOEMPERLEN

t h e l i v i n g r o o m t h e y h a v e d r i n k s a n d d i s c u s s t h e day. T h e y p u t o n s o m e m u s i c a n d s o m e t i m e s t h e y d a n c e . O n c e s h e p l a c e s h e r l i t t l e feet on t o p of his a n d h o l d s tight to his neck while he waltzes her a r o u n d t h e r o o m like a c h i l d a t a w e d d i n g . E v e n o n a b a d d a y , h e w i l l always r e m e m b e r t h i s : h e r l i t t l e h a n d s , h e r l i t t l e feet u p o n h i m .

Or ( o n a g o o d day) she w o u l d have b e e n in the kitchen starting s u p p e r with the radio on, h u m m i n g and chopping and stirring. H e p u t s d o w n his briefcase a n d takes off his shoes ( w h i c h are n o t so ugly on a g o o d d a y ) . He

hangs

his

suit jacket

carefully

in

the

front

closet next to hers. In the kitchen he gratefully discovers t h a t s h e i s m a k i n g h i s f a v o r i t e p a s t a . I n t h e k i t c h e n h e joyfully d i s c o v e r s t h a t s h e h a s a l r e a d y changed o u t of her work clothes and is wearing h e r black silk k i m o n o w i t h t h e r e d d r a g o n o n t h e back. S h e greets h i m w i t h a kiss. He slides b o t h arms

inside her k i m o n o to where her alarming

flesh a w a i t s . O n a g o o d d a y she lets h i m .

O n a b a d d a y she doesn't exactly p u s h h i m away b u t t u r n s , gracefully, o u t o f h i s e m b r a c e like a r i n g o n c e s t u c k o n a f i n g e r m a g i c a l l y r e m o v e d w i t h s o a p . B o t h h e r s k i n a n d h e r k i m o n o are s l i p p e r y a n d h e c a n n o t h o l d o n . H e i s left w i t h h i s a r m s hanging e m p t y at his sides, then braced hard against the kitchen

counter

to

keep

himself

from

g r a b b i n g her, b e g g i n g her, forcing h i m s e l f u p o n her. H e t r i e s t o c o n s o l e h i m s e l f w i t h t h e t h o u g h t t h a t all relationships have their u p s a n d d o w n s .

BODY

LANGUAGE

45

But on a g o o d day t h e black k i m o n o slips f r o m h e r s h o u l d e r s a n d t h e n she p u t s her t o n g u e in his m o u t h . H e d o e s n ' t e x a c t l y w a n t t o m a k e love. W h a t h e w a n t s i s c o m f o r t . W h a t h e w a n t s i s t o lay his h e a d between her breasts, p l u m p breasts, marvelously heavy breasts on such a small body. He wants to c l o s e h i s eyes a n d p r e s s h i s l i p s a g a i n s t t h e m . H e wants t o b u r y his n o s e i n t h e m a n d suffocate w i t h pleasure. H e wants t o h o l d his ear against t h e m o n e by o n e a n d listen to her heart beating, her b l o o d f l o w i n g , like t h e o c e a n i n s i d e a s e a s h e l l . B u t h e i s a f r a i d t o t e l l h e r t h i s . Perhaps she w o u l d t h i n k he is weak. Perhaps she already t h i n k s he is weak. P e r h a p s he is weak. T h e y m a k e love. T h e n t h e y e a t p a s t a with clam sauce. T h e y d r i n k red wine, toasting themselves

liberally.

They make

small

t a l k a n d are h a p p y .

O n a b a d day, w h e n t h e h o u s e i s e m p t y , h e h a n g s u p h e r blouses a n d her n i g h t g o w n . H e p u t s her earrings back i n t h e jewelry box. H e m a k e s t h e b e d , m o v i n g w o o d e n l y a r o u n d it, a s q u i e t l y a s i f s h e w e r e s l e e p i n g a n d h e m u s t n o t w a k e h e r . H e r e m o v e s h i s c l o t h e s a n d lies d o w n n a k e d o n t h e b e d . H e p r e s s e s h i s ear t o t h e p i l l o w . H e w i l l w a i t h e r e u n t i l s h e a r r i v e s a n d t h e n h e w i l l a s k h e r w h e r e she's b e e n . Y e s , h e will ask her. Finally he will ask her. A n d she will answer. F i n a l l y s h e w i l l a n s w e r , a n d finally t h e f l u t e - e d g e d s i l e n c e w h i c h s u r r o u n d s t h e m w i l l b e filled w i t h t h e t r u t h . B u t for n o w t h e o n l y s o u n d i s t h a t o f h i s o w n b l o o d t h r o b b i n g i n h i s ear.

DIANE

46,

SCHOEMPERLEN

H e d o e s n ' t m e a n t o fall a s l e e p b u t h e d o e s , a n d q u i c k l y , e x h a u s t e d b y anxiety. H e d o e s n o t d r e a m . H e does n o t m o v e a muscle. H e awakens instantly at t h e s o u n d of t h e front d o o r o p e n i n g . Is it h e r or is it an i n t r u d e r ? E i t h e r way his h e a r t is p o u n d i n g a n d his ribs are a c h i n g as if he has been t h o r o u g h l y kicked by a horse or a pair of steel-toed boots. H e t h i n k s o f t h e Bible story, G o d causing A d a m t o fall i n t o a d e e p s l e e p , t h e n r e m o v i n g o n e o f his ribs a n d closing his b o d y u p again. N o m e n t i o n m a d e o f which rib, which side, o r w h e t h e r A d a m m i s s e d it. T h e n G o d c r e a t e d E v e f r o m A d a m ' s rib: Eve, b o n e o f his b o n e s , flesh o f h i s flesh. And the man and his wife were both naked, and were not ashamed. H e h e a r s h e r h u m m i n g a s s h e t a k e s o f f h e r j a c k e t . S h e calls h i s n a m e . S h e s o u n d s h a p p y , e x c i t e d , g i r l i s h . H e i s relieved, even t h o u g h h e r g o o d m o o d likely h a s n o t h i n g t o d o w i t h h i m . S h e calls h i s n a m e again. S o m e h o w i t does n o t o c c u r t o h i m t o answer. H e l o o k s a t t h e b e d s i d e clock a n d finds he has b e e n asleep for only forty-five m i n u t e s . S h e i s h a r d l y l a t e a t all. H e h e a r s h e r c o m i n g u p t h e s t a i r s . If she is surprised to find h i m naked on t h e b e d a t t h i s early h o u r , s h e d o e s n o t s a y s o . S h e lies d o w n b e s i d e h i m a n d s l i p s h e r h a n d s b e t w e e n his legs. H e r h a n d s are c o o l a n d very small. H e r d i a m o n d rings catch lightly i n his p u b i c hair. H e sighs. H e r fing e r s a r e like t h e s t e m s o f y o u n g f l o w e r s . H i s h a n d s u p o n h e r are c l u m s y a n d large. H i s thick gold w e d d i n g b a n d shines. H e doesn't m e a n t o respond. H e means

BODY

LANGUAGE

47

to be cool, logical, m a t u r e , rational, a n d p h i l o s o p h i c a l if n e c e s s a r y — n o n e o f w h i c h are s t a t e s o f m i n d t h a t m a y , g e n e r a l l y s p e a k i n g , b e a c h i e v e d o r s u s t a i n e d w h i l e m a k i n g love. H e m e a n s t o r e m a i n i n c o n trol of the situation. He means to speak to her as he spoke to his coworkers earlier: " P e r h a p s I s h a l l . . . w e m u s t . . . I p r e s u m e . . . I int e n d e d t o c o n s u l t w i t h y o u earlier r e g a r d i n g this i m p o r t a n t issue." H e r b r e a t h all o v e r h i m i s s w e e t a n d f e r m e n t e d , a s i f s h e h a s b e e n r e c e n t l y s i p p i n g expensive liqueurs. H e m e a n s t o ask her a b o u t t h a t t o o . H e m e a n s t o speak t o her. H e m e a n s t o m a k e h e r speak t o h i m . B u t slowly, s l o w l y h i s p e n i s g r o w s h a r d u n d e r h e r little h a n d s , her little t o n g u e , h e r h a r d little teeth.

Slowly,

slowly his large b o d y betrays h i m a n d he

cannot help

b u t e n t e r her.

They

h a v e n o t h a d sex f o r t w o w e e k s . Afterward

she

goes

back

down-

stairs a n d starts her s u p p e r p r e p a r a t i o n s . He has a shower a n d gets dressed.

If she has a lover ( h e is p r e t t y sure s h e h a s a lover b u t he h a s n o t asked her, will n o t ask her, a t least n o t t o d a y ) t h e n m a y b e h e s h o u l d get o n e t o o : t h r u s t a n d p a r r y , t i t f o r t a t , a n eye f o r a n eye, a n d all o f t h a t . T h e r e i s a w o m a n a t w o r k w h o f l i r t s w i t h h i m all t h e t i m e : a t t h e X e r o x machine, at the water cooler, in t h e p a r k i n g lot where h e c o u l d kiss her a n d n o o n e w o u l d know. I n the s h o w e r h e t h i n k s a b o u t h o w e a g e r t h i s w o m a n is, h o w easy i t w o u l d b e t o h a v e h e r . But he is afraid t h a t if he sleeps w i t h this w o m a n , h e w i l l d i s c o v e r t h a t b e t w e e n h e r legs s h e i s e x a c t l y like h i s w i f e . O r n o t h i n g like h e r a t all. E i t h e r w a y h e c o u l d

48

DIANE

SCHOEMPERLEN

n o t b e a r it. E i t h e r w a y h e w o u l d b e h u m i l i a t e d a n d h i s b o d y w o u l d t u r n away f r o m her, s t u n n e d a n d soft.

G e t t i n g d r e s s e d , h e i m a g i n e s h i s wife i n the kitchen below. He pictures her as he always

does,

one

perceptible

part

at

a

time. Ankle, elbow, that small r o u n d b o n e p r o t r u d i n g at t h e wrist, cheekbone, jawbone,

left

temple

with

one

blue

vein

showing, the n a p e of her neck, her collarb o n e like a t u r k e y w i s h b o n e , h e r h a n d s i n h e r lap, s i l e n t . H e h a s t o a d m i t t h a t h e c a n n o t i m a g i n e w h o s h e i s w h e n he's n o t w i t h h e r , w h o s h e i s w h e n she's a l o n e . H e h a s n o i d e a w h a t r e s i d e s w i t h i n t h a t s m a l l b o d y , all o f t h e s e p a r t s j o i n e d s e a m lessly t o g e t h e r t o p r o d u c e her: t h i s o n e w o m a n , a mystery w i t h o u t p r e c e d e n t or duplicate, entirely s i n g u l a r : her. W h e n h e t r i e s t o u n d e r s t a n d her, s h e e s c a p e s h i m entirely. T h e h e a r t o f t h e m a t t e r i s n o l o n g e r visible t o h i s n a k e d eye.

H e c a n feel i t i n h i s b o n e s : h e r r e s t l e s s n e s s , h e r silence, h e r m o o d i n e s s , her guilt, a n d s o m e t i m e s h e r fear. H e d o e s n o t k n o w i f s h e still loves him.

If

not,

he

does

not

know

when

she

s t o p p e d . H e w o n d e r s w h a t y o u d o w i t h love w h e n y o u ' r e d o n e w i t h i t — w h e r e d o y o u p u t it, where d o e s it go, h o w do y o u m a k e sure it stays there? H e c a n feel i t i n h i s b o n e s . T h e y w a k e h i m i n t h e n i g h t , t h e l o n g s t r o n g b o n e s o f his legs,

BODY

LANGUAGE

49

n o t exactly a c h i n g o r c r a m p i n g , b u t s h r i n k i n g , sinking, dissolving, a n d d r a i n i n g away. H e c a n feel i t i n h i s b o n e s : t h e f u t u r e . Eventually he will have to get it t h r o u g h his h e a d .

For now, as long as n o b o d y speaks the words aloud, he can concentrate instead u p o n the language of her ankles, elbows, that small r o u n d b o n e p r o t r u d i n g at the wrist. Eventually he will have to get it t h r o u g h his h e a d . But for now, he n e e d listen only to h e r body, near h i m , h u m m i n g . F o r n o w they will m a k e small talk a n d b e happy.

T h e burglary t o o k place s o m e t i m e between the m o r n i n g o f Friday, J u l y t h e s e v e n t h , a n d t h e l a t e a f t e r n o o n o f S u n d a y , July t h e n i n t h , w h i l e H e l e n W i n g h a m w a s a w a y i n t h e city. H e l e n w e n t t o t h e c i t y every s u m m e r early in July. (The thief is watching the house.) T h e t i m i n g of h e r t r i p was arbitrary, this p a r t i c u l a r p a r t o f t h e season c h o s e n for n o p a r t i c u l a r reason, at least n o t for any g o o d reason t h a t H e l e n c o u l d rem e m b e r now. She hired a t o w n boy to c o m e o u t a n d water her garden w h i l e s h e w a s away. S h e t o o k t h e Friday m o r n i n g b u s a n d sat for t h e t w o - h o u r trip s o u t h in t h e w i n d o w seat b e h i n d t h e driver w i t h her small h a n d s f o l d e d in h e r l a p . (The thief is walking through the front gate and around to the backyard.) T h r o u g h t h e b u s w i n d o w H e l e n w a t c h e d t h e p a s s a g e o f l u s h green farmland d o t t e d with white houses, red barns, b r o w n cows, a n d d i r t y y e l l o w i n g s h e e p . (The thief is in the garden.) H e l e n d i d n ' t n o t i c e m u c h change in t h e l a n d s c a p e f r o m o n e year to t h e next. T h e b u s s t o p p e d i n several s m a l l t o w n s m u c h like h e r o w n , l e t t i n g p a s s e n g e r s o f f a n d o n a t gas s t a t i o n s o r gift s h o p s t h a t d o u b l e d a s b u s d e p o t s several t i m e s a day. H e r e c h a n g e w a s m o r e e v i d e n t . B u i l d i n g s a p p e a r e d a n d d i s a p p e a r e d s e e m i n g l y at r a n d o m . (The thief is picking peas) dropping the crisp stripped pods in a pile in the pumpkin patch.) A r o w of d e r e l i c t w o o d e n houses was b u l l d o z e d a n d replaced by a shiny strip mall. A l o n g green a n d yellow m o t e l p o p p e d up in w h a t h a d been a cornfield. 1

American Wonder, the best variety, H e l e n orders the

seeds from a catalogue. T h e p l u m p green pods hang on delicate vines that curl up the stakes and the chicken wire. Helen likes to eat t h e m raw when they are still young and tender. Later in the season she cooks t h e m up in cream with parsley and pearl onions. 53

54

DIANE

S C H O E M P E R L E N

A t h r e e - s t o r y g i n g e r b r e a d f a r m h o u s e w a s r e i n c a r n a t e d as a s p r a w l i n g s t u c c o r a n c h - s t y l e h o u s e w i t h a wall o f w i n d o w s a c r o s s t h e f r o n t . F r o m the b u s H e l e n c o u l d n o w l o o k r i g h t i n t o t h e living r o o m . S h e saw a w o m a n in a blue b a t h r o b e walking t h r o u g h t h e large w h i t e r o o m . H e l e n p o l i t e l y l o o k e d away. H e l e n W i n g h a m was a fifty-four-year-old w o m a n in a peachc o l o r e d silk b l o u s e a n d a w e l l - c u t b l a c k s k i r t . H e r s h o r t h a i r w a s g r a y a n d tidy. S h e w o r e h e r r e a d i n g glasses o n a b l a c k c o r d a r o u n d h e r n e c k as if t h e y w e r e b i n o c u l a r s . (The thief is examining a basket of garden tools accidentally left out on the picnic table.) By all a p p e a r a n c e s , H e l e n W i n g h a m w a s n o t h i n g m o r e o r less t h a n a p l a i n w h i t e w o m a n . T o l o o k a t her, y o u w o u l d e x p e c t h e r h e a d t o b e full o f r e c i p e s , h o u s e h o l d h i n t s , g a r d e n i n g t i p s , k n i t t i n g p a t t e r n s , a n d c h a r m i n g a n e c d o t e s a b o u t h e r family. H e l e n k e p t h e r large h a n d b a g o n t h e e m p t y s e a t b e s i d e h e r s o n o o n e w o u l d sit t h e r e . S h e e n j o y e d t h e b u s t r i p for t h e t i m e i t gave h e r t o sit silently a n d w a t c h t h e s c e n e r y w h i l e , s h e i m a g i n e d , c e r t a i n l o n g s t a n d i n g , b u t o c c a s i o n a l l y w o r r i s o m e , layers o f h e r p e r s o n a l i t y were b e i n g invisibly s h e d like t h e m i l e s u n r o l l i n g b e h i n d her. (The thief is picking a 2

pocketknife out of the basket.) By t h e t i m e H e l e n g o t o f f t h e b u s , s h e e x p e c t e d s h e w o u l d b e , i f n o t a w h o l e n e w p e r s o n , a t l e a s t a w h o l e n e w self. At h o m e in her small t o w n , she was n o t sociable either. S h e did n o t s p e n d h e r a f t e r n o o n s s i p p i n g coffee i n t h e w e l l - e q u i p p e d k i t c h e n s of o t h e r t o w n w o m e n . (The thief is cutting a hole in the screen of the back right

2

Ladies Knife with three blades, finest quality steel, G e r m a n silver bol-

sters, 41/4-inch stag h o r n handle. Helen has had this knife for as long as she can remember. She uses it to cut off dead blossoms and leaves in the garden. Sometimes she uses it to cut slugs in half. After her gardening is done, she cleans the dirt out from under her fingernails with the thinnest of the knife's three blades.

I N N O C E N T

55

OBJECTS

basement window which has been left half-open.) T h e e x t e n t of h e r i n t e r a c t i o n w i t h t h e m was simply w h a t c o m m o n courtesy d e m a n d e d : a polite greeting, a positive or negative a c k n o w l e d g m e n t of the weather, and, o c c a s i o n a l l y , a b r i e f o b s e r v a t i o n a s t o t h e s u c c e s s o r failure o f s o m e recent local event or enterprise. H e l e n s u p p o s e d , correctly, t h a t she was l o o k e d u p o n a s s o m e t h i n g o f a n eccentric, s t a n d o f f i s h b u t h a r m less, surely. (The thief is reaching in through the hole and unhooking the screen.) H e l e n did k e e p t o herself, yes, b u t n o t i n a n o m i n o u s way, n o t like t h o s e m o n s t e r s a b o u t w h o m (after h u m a n b o n e s have been discovered i n t h e c o m p o s t p i l e o r else they've g o n e b e r s e r k a n d p o i s o n e d t h e p a p e r b o y a n d h i s d o g ) t h e u n s u s p e c t i n g n e i g h b o r s , a g h a s t , feel c o m p e l l e d t o say over a n d o v e r a g a i n t o t e l e v i s i o n a n d n e w s p a p e r r e p o r t e r s , " W e n e v e r really k n e w h e r ! S h e k e p t t o h e r s e l f b u t s h e s e e m e d nice e n o u g h ! H o w c o u l d w e have k n o w n ? " H e l e n h a d lived a l o n e i n t h e large r e d - b r i c k V i c t o r i a n h o u s e j u s t n o r t h o f t o w n for t w e n t y years. Still t h e t o w n s p e o p l e k n e w next t o n o t h i n g a b o u t h e r . (The thief is removing the screen and sliding into the basement which is cool and shadowy after the relentless bright heat of the backyard.) T h e y k n e w s h e h a d c o m e f r o m a w e a l t h y family, w a s w e l l - e d u c a t e d , h a d lived f o r t h i r t y - f o u r y e a r s i n t h e city, t h e n i n h e r i t e d a relative f o r t u n e a n d m o v e d t o their small t o w n . S h e h a d never b e e n m a r r i e d . S h e h a d n o c h i l d r e n a n d n o p e t s . O v e r t h o s e t w e n t y years s h e h a d h a d few visit o r s a n d a p p a r e n t l y n o s u i t o r s . S h e lived a v e r y q u i e t life a n d b o t h e r e d no o n e . (The thief hooks the screen back in place, wipes off the blade and handle of the 3

pocketknife, and sets it down on top of a large picnic basket. ) F o r h e r p a r t , H e l e n 3

Woven c o m m o n elm, middle-hinged lid, brass closures, sturdy handle, gingham-lined. Helen is n o t sure where this basket originally came from. It is one of those objects that has simply always been there. She has never used it for a picnic. It is filled with junk: old screwdrivers, a baseball shed-

DIANE

56

SCHOEMPERLEN

suspected t h a t the t o w n s p e o p l e were b o t h p r o v o k e d by a n d disapp o i n t e d i n h e r . S h e w a s s t r a n g e , m a y b e a l i t t l e , b u t n o t s t r a n g e enough. She was hardly t h e s o r t o f character f r o m w h o m s m a l l - t o w n legends could be made. T h e t o w n s p e o p l e h a d l o n g ago a b a n d o n e d their secret h o p e s of a s c a n d a l a n d g o n e o n a b o u t t h e i r b u s i n e s s . " L i v e a n d let live, t h a t ' s w h a t I always say!" T h a t ' s w h a t t h e y always s a i d w h e n H e l e n ' s n a m e c a m e u p i n casual c o n v e r s a t i o n a t t h e p o s t office o r t h e Sears catalogue s h o p p i n g counter in the back of the drugstore, at o n e kitchen table or a n o t h e r , a m o n g t h e w o m e n w h o w o n d e r e d a b o u t her, w h o w i s h e d t h e y k n e w w h a t h e r s e c r e t w a s . (The thief is going up the stairs to the ground floor of the house.) T h e s e w o m e n l o n g e d t o b e i n v i t e d i n t o H e l e n ' s h o u s e b u t n o n e o f t h e m h a d ever m a d e i t p a s t t h e f r o n t foyer o n t h e f e w o c c a sions w h e n o n e o f t h e m h a d c o m e t o her d o o r census-taking, selling raffle t i c k e t s , c o l l e c t i n g m o n e y f o r t h e C a n c e r S o c i e t y o r t h e S a l v a t i o n A r m y . (The thief is in the kitchen.) T h e m o s t t h e y c o u l d t e l l f r o m t h i s v a n tage p o i n t was t h a t t h e h o u s e was very clean a n d t h e g r o u n d s were very tidy, f r o n t a n d b a c k . (The thief is opening the glass doors of the oak china cabinet.) Helen, they knew, had neither a housekeeper n o r a gardener and they couldn't h e l p b u t a d m i r e h e r for that. M o s t l y Helen's "secret" was whatever enabled her to n o t n e e d a m a n ( o r them, f o r t h a t m a t t e r ) , t o live a l o n e f o r all t h o s e y e a r s w i t h o u t , so they supposed, having to compromise, capitulate, or provide nutrit i o u s m e a l s , c l e a n c l o t h e s , a n d s a t i s f y i n g sex o n d e m a n d .

ding its skin, a coil of copper wire, a broken flashlight, two padlocks without keys, and the guts of an old alarm clock. H e l e n does n o t exactly know where this junk came from either. It is as if the old house were quite capable of accumulating such objects all by itself.

I N N O C E N T

57

OBJECTS

F o r h e r p a r t , H e l e n k n e w t h e s e w o m e n ' s faces b u t n o t t h e i r n a m e s , at l e a s t n o t t h e i r first n a m e s . (The thief is touching the plates, the howls, the milk 4

jug, the eight-piece tea service on the middle shelf.) S h e k n e w t h e m as M r s . H e n derson, M r s . A d a m s , M r s . Jensen, M r s . James. O f t e n she g o t t h e m mixed up. T h e y i n t u r n called her " M i s s W i n g h a m , " b u t a m o n g t h e m selves t h e y c a l l e d h e r " H e l e n , " w i t h a b r e e z y f a m i l i a r i t y t h e y k n e w t h e y h a d n o t e a r n e d . (The thief is running cold water into the shining stainless steel sink.) S o m e t i m e s H e l e n w i s h e d s h e c o u l d give t h e s e w o m e n w h a t they w a n t e d a l t h o u g h she wasn't entirely sure w h a t it was. A l t h o u g h b y all a p p e a r a n c e s H e l e n W i n g h a m c o u l d h a v e p a s s e d for o n e o f t h e m , these w o m e n k n e w i n their s m a l l - t o w n h e a r t s t h a t s h e w a s n o t . T h e y k n e w h e r h e a d w a s n o t full o f r e c i p e s , p a t t e r n s , o r b o r i n g s t o r i e s a b o u t h e r family. (The thief is filling the copper kettle and placing it on the front right burner of the gas stove where a pretty blue flame leaps up.) T h e s e w o m e n k n e w t h a t b y c o m p a r i s o n H e l e n W i n g h a m was exotic a n d m y s t e r i o u s , forever u n f a t h o m a b l e . T h e s e w e r e q u a l i t i e s f o r w h i c h t h e y e i t h e r l i k e d o r d i s l i k e d her, a m o r p h o u s d i s t i n c t i o n s w h i c h t h e y e i t h e r e n v i e d o r b e g r u d g e d h e r o n a n y g i v e n day. T h e b u s was rolling t h r o u g h t h e s p r a w l i n g o u t e r reaches o f t h e city now. Every year H e l e n n o t e d h o w y o u c o u l d be in t h e city for a v e r y l o n g t i m e b e f o r e y o u a c t u a l l y g o t t h e r e . (The thief goes hack down to the

4

Carlsbad China Tete-à-Tete Set, decorated with a

spray of pink roses and green leaves. T h e set includes teapot,

sugar bowl,

cream pitcher,

two

cups

and

saucers, on a fine china matching tray. Seven of the pieces are in perfect condition but there is a small chip on the lip of the cream pitcher. T h e set is over a h u n dred years old and very delicate so H e l e n seldom uses it except for special occasions like Christmas, Easter, and her birthday, the fifteenth of September.

58

DIANE

S C H O E M P E R L E N

basement and returns to the kitchen with two large mason jars' and three empty cardboard boxes.) S h e t o o k o u t h e r m a k e u p case, c o m b e d h e r h a i r , a n d r e a p plied her lipstick while the b u s idled at a red light. It was just n o o n w h e n t h e y r e a c h e d d o w n t o w n a n d t h e g i a n t office b u i l d i n g s w e r e d i s g o r g i n g s l i m w o m e n i n sleeveless d r e s s e s a n d tall m e n i n r u m p l e d w h i t e s h i r t s i n t o t h e s h i m m e r i n g s t r e e t s . (The thief takes a box of tea from the cupboard, puts the haves in the pot, and fills it with boiling water from the whistling kettle.) T h e t r a f f i c w a s s n a r l e d a n d slow. O v e r h e a t e d i m p a t i e n t d r i v e r s h o n k e d t h e i r h o r n s i m p o t e n t l y , m o r e f o r effect, i t s e e m e d , t h a n w i t h a n y real h o p e o f a c c o m p l i s h i n g a n y t h i n g . Finally the bus lumbered into the d e p o t a n d H e l e n and the other p a s s e n g e r s g o t off. S h e r e t r i e v e d h e r s u i t c a s e f r o m t h e b e l l y o f t h e b u s a n d s t e p p e d i n t o a taxi w h i c h t o o k h e r to t h e h o t e l . H e l e n s t a y e d i n t h e s a m e h o t e l e v e r y year. O l d b u t a g i n g well, small b u t l u x u r i o u s , it was a t h r e e - s t o r y g r a y s t o n e b u i l d i n g on a s h o r t s i d e s t r e e t o f f o n e of t h e city's m a i n t h o r o u g h f a r e s . (The thief is sitting at 6

the kitchen table, looking out at the empty road through white lace curtains while sip5

Peach and Pepper Relish: In food processor, chop 2 h o t

red peppers and 12 sweet red peppers, seeds and all. A d d peppers to 12 large peaches (peeled and chopped), I cup white vinegar, and I teaspoon salt in large preserving kettle. A d d 4 lemon halves. Boil gently for half an hour. Remove lemons and add 5 cups white sugar. Boil for another half-hour or until mixture is thick. Bottle and seal. Helen knows this recipe by heart. 6

N o t t i n g h a m Lace, single border, point d'esprit center with

beautiful Brussels effect. H e l e n washes these curtains (and a similar pair that hangs in her b e d r o o m ) by h a n d twice a year in the b a t h t u b and then drapes t h e m over the shower rod to dry. W h e n she hangs t h e m back up at the windows, they are as soft and fragrant as freshly washed hair.

INNOCENT

59

OBJECTS

ping a cup of steaming black tea.) T h e h o t e l w a s r a t h e r e x p e n s i v e , e v e n by city s t a n d a r d s , b u t i t w a s well w o r t h it, H e l e n t h o u g h t , f o r t h e f i r s t class a m e n i t i e s i t p r o v i d e d . T h e concierge was a h a n d s o m e older m a n n a m e d Frederick w h o now greeted H e l e n by name: "Welcome, Miss W i n g h a m . H o w good to have y o u w i t h us again." Frederick s t o o d by while H e l e n registered a n d h e r s u i t c a s e w a s w h i s k e d a w a y by a b e l l h o p . (The thief washes the cup and saucer, then the teapot, and sets them down with the rest of the set beside the mason jars in one of the cardboard boxes.) T h e n he e s c o r t e d h e r to h e r r o o m on t h e third floor. In t h e r o o m there was a large soft f o u r - p o s t e r b e d w i t h a t h i c k w h i t e d u v e t e d g e d w i t h e m b r o i d e r y a n d w h i t e l a c e . (The thief is in the hallway.) T h e r e w a s a s i l v e r - w r a p p e d c h o c o l a t e m i n t o n h e r p i l l o w a n d a b o u q u e t of fresh f l o w e r s on t h e b e d s i d e t a b l e . (The thief is in the living room.) I n t h e s p o t l e s s b l u e b a t h r o o m t h e r e w a s a c r y s t a l b o w l o f p o t p o u r r i on t h e m a r b l e vanity, a p l u s h w h i t e r o b e h a n g i n g f r o m a h o o k on t h e b a c k of t h e d o o r , a n d a t e l e p h o n e on t h e wall beside t h e toilet. Frederick

strode

across

the

r o o m and opened the

dark green

d a m a s k d r a p e s w i t h a f l o u r i s h . (The thief sits in the wine-colored armchair beside the bay window, resting both hands upon the white antimacassars spread over its arms.) G r a c i o u s a n d f r i e n d l y , g a l l a n t i n t h e o l d - w o r l d way, F r e d e r i c k a s k e d after H e l e n ' s h e a l t h a n d h e r g e n e r a l w e l l - b e i n g d u r i n g t h e i n t e r v e n i n g year. H e w a s s c r u p u l o u s l y p o l i t e , n e v e r n o s y o r o v e r b e a r i n g . W h e n H e l e n f i r s t b e g a n m a k i n g h e r a n n u a l t r i p t o t h e city, F r e d 7

e r i c k h a d b e e n a h a n d s o m e y o u n g e r m a n . (The thief is lifting a small clock 7

Cupid's Dart, 6 inches high, finished in bronze with fancy dial

and Ansonia movement. Having been largely unaffected by the sting of Cupid's dart in her lifetime, H e l e n loves her little clock anyway. T h e fact that it has never kept g o o d time strikes her as fitting somehow in an object of desire. T h e clock is pretty but

60

DIANE

SCHOEMPERLEN

from the mantelshelf of the fireplace.) D u r i n g o n e of t h o s e early v i s i t s , H e l e n had had a dream about Frederick, an erotic dream in which he had c o m e t o her i n t h e f o u r - p o s t e r b e d a n d his a r m s were s o s t r o n g , his s k i n s o s m o o t h , h i s t o n g u e s o agile, a n d h i s p e n i s s o a m i a b l e a n d b i g . S h e h a d a w a k e n e d f r o m t h e d r e a m w r i t h i n g , wet, a n d very e m b a r r a s s e d . F o r t h e r e m a i n d e r o f t h a t visit, s h e h a d a v o i d e d F r e d e r i c k . I f h e n o t i c e d o r w o n d e r e d a b o u t her o d d behavior, h e was o f course t o o 8

d i s c r e e t to m e n t i o n it. (The thief spies a square black typewriter on an oak cabinet beside the sofa.) B y t h e f o l l o w i n g y e a r H e l e n h a d m a n a g e d t o p u t t h e d r e a m o u t o f h e r m i n d a n d c o u l d act n o r m a l l y a r o u n d Frederick again. All these years later she s e l d o m t h o u g h t a b o u t t h e d r e a m a n y m o r e except w h e n F r e d e r i c k said each year: " C o n s i d e r m e a t y o u r disposal, M i s s W i n g h a m . I will do a n y t h i n g I can to m a k e y o u r stay a p l e a s a n t o n e . A n y t h i n g . " T h i s was exactly w h a t F r e d e r i c k h a d said i n t h e d r e a m as he lifted her n i g h t g o w n a n d b u r i e d his m o u t h b e t w e e n her thighs. (The thief places both hands in position on the keyboard and types: T h e q u i c k r e d fox j u m p s o v e r t h e l a z y b r o w n d o g , but there is no paper in the machine and the words fall invisible onto the black rubber platen.) T h i s w a s e x a c t l y w h a t he

useless and Cupid's left wing has long since broken off and disappeared. 8

Remington, all metal working parts and steel type, double

case machine writes 78 characters including numbers, symbols, punctuation marks, and fractional figures. T h e typewriter, despite its advanced age, is in excellent working order except for the sticky letters m and p. M o s t l y H e l e n uses it for letters to lawyers and the like, business correspondence that she feels should be made to look as official as possible. O n c e she tried to type on it the story of her life but found she did n o t know where to begin.

INNOCENT

61

OBJECTS

was saying n o w a s h e backed o u t the d o o r a n d H e l e n t h a n k e d h i m w i t h g e n u i n e g r a t i t u d e b o t h for his c o u r t e s y a n d for everything h e h a d d o n e to her in the dream. H e l e n and Frederick s h o o k hands warmly a n d she slid a t e n - d o l l a r bill i n t o his p a l m . T h e n H e l e n unpacked, freshened up, a n d went downstairs. She t o o k h e r l u n c h in t h e h o t e l d i n i n g r o o m . (The thief is in the hallway.) S h e ordered G a z p a c h o , Stuffed M u s h r o o m C a p s , Asparagus Soufflé, a n d a s m a l l C a e s a r S a l a d . (The thief is in the library.) At h o m e , if s h e h a d l u n c h a t all, i t w a s m o s t o f t e n b r o w n t o a s t a n d t e a , s o m e t i m e s a b a g e l w i t h c r e a m c h e e s e a n d s o m e o f h e r o w n p e a c h a n d p e p p e r r e l i s h . (The thief admires the books in their shelves, strokes their spines, removes one, flips through it briefly, and then returns it precisely to its proper place.) H e l e n m a r v e l e d b r i e f l y a t h o w b e i n g i n t h e city always m a d e her r a v e n o u s a n d t h e n she o r d e r e d Blueberry C r è m e Brulée for dessert. B y t h e t i m e she walked i n t o t h e street, H e l e n W i n g h a m h a d b e c o m e h e r c i t y self. S h e m a d e h e r w a y s m o o t h l y a l o n g t h e c r o w d e d s i d e w a l k s , n e v e r b u m p i n g i n t o a n y o n e o r m a k i n g d i r e c t eye c o n t a c t , bobbing

and

weaving

around

slowpokes,

ignoring

the

occasional

h o m e l e s s p e r s o n c a m p e d in a d o o r w a y . (The thif is peering at the pages of a large encyclopedia' spread open on a cast-iron bookstand.) H e l e n w a s h a p p y to 9

T h e New Illustrated Universal Encyclopedia: The Book of A Million Facts,

published in Great Britain, 1 9 2 3 , 1,280 pages, including 16 new maps. Helen is fond of skimming through this b o o k for amusing entries. She enjoys " T h e M o d e r n H o u s e h o l d Cookery" which includes recipes for such delicacies as Bone Soup, Sheep's H e a d Soup, Eggs for the Invalid, Substantial Salad, and M u t t o n C h o p s in Ambush. She takes special delight in " T h e N e w H o u s e h o l d Physician" which, in addition to dispensing information on very serious ailments, also offers remedies and advice regarding such afflictions as Ankles, Weak; Breath, Offensive; Feet, Sweating; Toenail, Ingrowing; and Cramp, Writer's.

62

DIANE

SCHOEMPERLEN

see h o w q u i c k l y s h e a d j u s t e d t o b e i n g b a c k i n t h e city, h o w s h e m u s t a l r e a d y l o o k like e v e r y o n e else a r o u n d h e r : p u r p o s e f u l , p r e o c c u p i e d , a n d c o m p l e t e l y u n a p p r o a c h a b l e . S h e felt b r i s k a n d c o n f i d e n t . (The thief is in the hallway.) N a v i g a t i n g t h e c i t y w a s like r i d i n g a b i c y c l e , m a k i n g love, o r s k a t i n g : o n c e y o u k n e w h o w , y o u n e v e r f o r g o t . I t w a s s i m p l y a n intricate series o f physical m a n e u v e r s which, i f p e r f o r m e d i n t h e r i g h t s e q u e n c e a t t h e r i g h t s p e e d , w o u l d c a r r y h e r safely t h r o u g h . (The thief is in the music room.) A l t h o u g h H e l e n h a d n ' t b e e n on s k a t e s or a b i cycle s i n c e s h e w a s a girl, s h e d i d n o t d o u b t t h a t s h e c o u l d still d o t h e s e t h i n g s if s h e w a n t e d t o . (The thief sits down at the piano hut cannot read music and so rests one hand gently on the keyboard and is silent.) H e l e n s u p p o s e d , correctly, t h a t the t o w n s p e o p l e w o u l d hardly recognize her now. A t h o m e s h e s o m e t i m e s felt s h e w a s t o o d r e a m y , f l o a t i n g a i m l e s s l y t h r o u g h t h e r o o m s o f her s t u r d y h o u s e , a n c h o r e d t o t h e real w o r l d only b y t h e solidity o f t h e h o u s e itself a n d b y t h e h i g h - f r e q u e n c y reso n a n c e of t h e o b j e c t s w i t h w h i c h s h e filled it. (The thief looks through the viewfinder of a large brown and black camera

10

into a gilt-framed mirror on the wall

opposite the piano?) S o m e t i m e s H e l e n p i c t u r e d t h e r o o f o f h e r h o u s e a s a l i d w h i c h k e p t h e r f r o m d r i f t i n g a w a y entirely, all t h a t lay b e t w e e n h e r a n d a n attractive p o c k e t o f heaven t o w h i c h she was n o t yet ready t o 10

N o r m a n d i e Reversible Back Camera with adjustable,

spring-actuated g r o u n d glass always in position, never in the way. Compact, highly polished mahogany body, metalworks of fine-draw file finish. Of course this camera no longer functions. But Helen likes to imagine that if it did, the p h o t o g r a p h s it t o o k would be like h o l o grams which, if viewed at just the right angle in just the right light, would reveal the whole spectrum of emanations (ghosts of the past, the future, and the t r u t h ) which lurk behind even the most m u n d a n e surfaces of the present and visible world.

INNOCENT

63

OBJECTS

ascend. S o m e t i m e s H e l e n suspected she was hiding, having firmly barricaded herself behind those well-appointed

w a l l s , carefully m i n d i n g

h e r o w n b u s i n e s s a n d e x p e c t i n g all o t h e r s t o d o t h e s a m e . H e l e n a r r i v e d at h e r f a v o r i t e b o o k s t o r e . (The thief is in the hallway.) It was a l o n g n a r r o w r o o m w i t h floor-to-ceiling shelves t h a t r e q u i r e d t h e use of an old-fashioned ladder on wheels to reach the highest b o o k s . T h e salesclerks w o r e soft-soled shoes a n d conservative clothing. T h e y d i d n o t b o t h e r y o u u n l e s s y o u s p e c i f i c a l l y a s k e d f o r a s s i s t a n c e . (The thief is mounting the oak staircase to the second story.) C l a s s i c a l m u s i c p l a y e d tastefully s o m e w h e r e n e a r t h e ceiling. H e l e n g r a v i t a t e d first to t h e b i o g r a p h y s e c t i o n . (The thief stops on the 11

landing and removes a small painting from the wall.) A l t h o u g h H e l e n w a s n o t g e n e r a l l y f o n d o f p e o p l e i n t h e flesh, s h e l o v e d t o r e a d a b o u t t h e m , e s p e c i a l l y i f t h e y w e r e f a m o u s i n s o m e creative f i e l d , especially i f t h e i r lives h a d b e e n t o r m e n t e d a n d c h a o t i c . A l t h o u g h t h e d e s i r e f o r p r i v a c y w a s p a r a m o u n t i n h e r o w n life, H e l e n was t h r i l l e d b y p e e p i n g i n t o t h e

11

Angel of Furnace Ascending by L. C. Moffat, signed and

dated 1 8 9 1 , oil on canvas, 8 X 12 inches, carved wooden frame. Helen knows nothing about this painter, n o t age, origin, or gender. She thinks t h o u g h that L. C. Moffat must have been a woman. She intuits this from something in the brushstrokes, which are layered and t h o u g h t ful, and from the colors, which are rich and luminous. She does know that Furnace is a small village in the Strathclyde region of western Scotland. But she likes to think this is the angel of the furnace, who kindly keeps people warm in the winter. She fancies this n o t i o n of the angels of objects: the angels of chimneys, streetlights, and windows; the angels of teapots, cutlery, and kettles; the angels of asparagus, rhubarb, and eggs. T h e s e days she especially fancies the angel of d o o r k n o b s .

64

DIANE

emotional

disturbances

and

SCHOEMPERLEN

scandalous

behaviors

that pockmarked

t h e s e f a m o u s p e o p l e ' s lives. (The thief looks into several rooms along the upstairs hallway but does not enter any of them.) H e l e n w a s p a r t i c u l a r l y f o n d of t h o s e b i o g r a p h i e s t h a t i n c l u d e d p h o t o g r a p h s o f t h e s u b j e c t a s a b a b y i n its m o t h e r ' s a r m s , a s a s m a l l c h i l d i n a large class o f o t h e r u n i d e n t i f i e d small children, as an unattractive adolescent in a marching band; p h o t o g r a p h s o f t h e s u b j e c t a r m - i n - a r m w i t h v a r i o u s s p o u s e s a n d lovers, o f t h e r o o m s i n w h i c h t h e s u b j e c t h a d o n c e s l e p t , ate, c o p u l a t e d , a n d entertained; p h o t o g r a p h s of the gardens, the children, the pets, the C h r i s t m a s t r e e s , t h e b i r t h d a y c a k e s , t h e f u n e r a l w r e a t h s . (The thief is turning the white porcelain doorknob of the last room on the right.) W h e n r e a d i n g o n e o f t h e s e b o o k s , H e l e n w o u l d flip b a c k a n d f o r t h t o t h e s e p h o t o g r a p h s w h i c h w e r e , s h e t h o u g h t , like t h e f o o t n o t e s t o t h e s t o r y , t h e p l a c e w h e r e all t h e secrets c o u l d b e u n e a r t h e d , t h e p l a c e w h e r e t h e t r u e s t o r y c o u l d b e d e c i p h e r e d a n d t h e s u m o f t h e subject's life c o u l d e v e n tually be tallied. B y t h e t i m e H e l e n was finished i n t h e b o o k s t o r e , she h a d a c c u m u l a t e d e n o u g h b o o k s to fill t h r e e c a r d b o a r d c a r t o n s . (The thief is entering Helen's bedroom which overlooks the backyard.) At t h e l a s t m i n u t e s h e a d d e d a f i v e - v o l u m e h a r d c o v e r s e t c a l l e d A History of Private Life a n d t h e n s h e m a d e a r r a n g e m e n t s t o h a v e t h e b o x e s s h i p p e d t o h e r h o u s e early t h e following week. Back in her h o t e l r o o m she closed the drapes against the heat, t u r n e d u p t h e air c o n d i t i o n e r , a n d t o o k o f f h e r d r e s s . S h e p u t o n t h e b a t h r o b e supplied by the hotel a n d ordered up a light supper from r o o m s e r v i c e . (The thief is opening the doors of the oak armoire.) A f t e r e a t i n g , H e l e n m a d e herself c o m f o r t a b l e i n bed, t u r n e d o n the television, a n d w a t c h e d a c o n c e r t by t h e B o s t o n P h i l h a r m o n i c . (The thief is touching Helen's blouses, her dresses, her skirts, and a number of silly-looking hats stored in the bottom drawer.) A f t e r t h e c o n c e r t , s h e t u r n e d o u t t h e l i g h t s a n d s l e p t

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s o u n d l y , p e r f e c t l y safe a n d c o n t e n t , u n d i s t u r b e d all t h r o u g h t h e s u m m e r n i g h t , b y d r e a m s o f F r e d e r i c k o r a n y o n e else. I n t h e m o r n i n g s h e r o s e early a s w a s h e r h a b i t , b a t h e d , a n d g o t d r e s s e d . (The thief is opening the top drawer of the mahogany dresser.) S h e w e n t d o w n to the lobby, greeted the u b i q u i t o u s Frederick, a n d went into the street. After a h a l f - h o u r walk t h r o u g h the nearly deserted streets, H e l e n w e n t b a c k to t h e h o t e l f o r b r e a k f a s t . (The thief is touching Helens panties and a white silk slip.) T h e n s h e s p e n t m o s t o f t h e d a y p r o w l i n g t h r o u g h t h e m a n y a n t i q u e s h o p s in t h e n e i g h b o r h o o d . (The thief pulls a leather12

hound book

from beneath Helen's underwear and finds its blue-lined pages covered

with Helen's small neat handwriting.) I n t h e early y e a r s o f h e r a n n u a l t r i p t o t h e city, H e l e n h a d c o m e t o these s h o p s l o o k i n g m o s t l y for furniture. E a c h year she h a d b o u g h t f o u r o r five large p i e c e s a n d h a d t h e m s h i p p e d h o m e . T h e s e b e a u t i f u l a n t i q u e s n o w filled all t h e r o o m s of h e r h o u s e . (The thief opens one by one the four drawers of the mahogany jewelry chest, runs fingers through gold and silver necklaces, brooches, bracelets, earrings, watches, and rings, but does not take anything.) H e l e n b o u g h t these a n t i q u e s for t h e m o m e n t s o f p u r e h a p p i n e s s they 12

H a n d - b o u n d genuine leather, burgundy and black, b o u n d - i n

black silk bookmark, best quality white woven paper, 3 0 0 pages, ruled. T h i s is n o t exactly a diary, but rather a n o t e b o o k Helen has kept sporadically over the last twenty years. T h e entries are a s h o r t h a n d notation of her daily life and she often copies into it unusual facts she has come across in her reading. She likes to look back over these selected days of her life. She likes to know that on September 2 8 , 1 9 8 1 , it rained all day, she had p o r k cutlets, broccoli, and baked potatoes for supper, made an a p p o i n t m e n t to have the chimney cleaned, and n o t e d that the Pole of Inaccessibility is that p o i n t on Antarctica farthest in all directions from the seas which s u r r o u n d it.

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offered h e r each t i m e she walked i n t o a r o o m a n d : t h e r e they were! E v e r y d a y t h e s h e e r s i g h t o f t h e m w o u l d give h e r a j o l t o f s u r p r i s e d s a t i s f a c t i o n . I t w a s like c a t c h i n g s i g h t o f h e r o w n r e f l e c t i o n n o w i n a s t o r e w i n d o w as s h e w a l k e d t h r o u g h t h e c i t y s t r e e t s . (The thief takes a 13

large photo album

out of the glass-fronted bookcase by the window.) G l i m p s i n g

that c o s m o p o l i t a n w o m a n striding along with such graceful d e t e r m i n a t i o n , H e l e n t h o u g h t , " N o w there's a f i n e - l o o k i n g w o m a n ! " just in t h a t s p l i t s e c o n d b e f o r e s h e r e c o g n i z e d herself. But m u c h as H e l e n loved her possessions, she h a d to a d m i t t h a t s o o n e r o r l a t e r even t h e m o s t e x t r a v a g a n t o b j e c t s o f h e r a f f e c t i o n w o u l d b e c o m e j u s t f u r n i t u r e a f t e r all. (The thief hears noises outside, a bicycle perhaps being leaned up against the house, footsteps coming down the driveway and passing into the backyard below.) T h e n s h e w e n t b a c k to t h e c i t y a n d b o u g h t m o r e . A f t e r t e n o r t w e l v e years o f t h i s , e v e n H e l e n ' s b i g h o u s e c o n t a i n e d j u s t a b o u t all t h e f i n e f u r n i t u r e it c o u l d h o l d . (The thief stands just

13

Blue Plush Album with p h o t o of six children

under celluloid on front, tinted interior pages with floral decorations in gold, openings for 48 photographs. Helen b o u g h t this album complete nearly fifteen years ago. T h e people it contains are perfectly dead strangers. All she knows of them are their names noted neatly on the back or below: Gertrude and Walt, fancy and Little Luke,

Charlotte and

Tiny (dog). Sometimes more details are given: Lindsay at cabin, Blackstone; Edith on holiday, England; Maurice on his twenty-first birthday at the Chateau. Every picture

is a mystery. Every eye, every elbow, every dish, every drawer, each and every innocent subject and object waits to spill o u t its secrets like pearls. Helen is still waiting to receive them.

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to the right of Helen's bedroom window looking down at the town boy as he unrolls the hose and begins to water the garden.) N o w H e l e n s c o u r e d t h e a n t i q u e s h o p s for s m a l l e r t r e a s u r e s , p r e c i o u s b i t s a n d p i e c e s o f l o n g - d e a d s t r a n g e r s ' lives w h i c h s h e c o u l d t h e n m a k e h e r o w n , all o f t h e i r h i s t o r y t h e r e for t h e t a k i n g , all o f t h e i r d r e a m s t h e r e f o r t h e i m a g i n i n g . T o d a y she found, a m o n g o t h e r things, a m i n i a t u r e toy h a r p with s e v e n t e e n t u n a b l e s t r i n g s ; a m a n ' s a l l i g a t o r - s k i n t r a v e l i n g case still c o n t a i n i n g c o m b , t o o t h b r u s h , r a z o r , a n d s t r o p ; a n e i g h t - b a l l c r o q u e t set w i t h fancy striped mallets and c o p p e r - p l a t e d arches. T h e n s h e w e n t b a c k t o t h e h o t e l a n d h a d a n a p , s u d d e n l y exh a u s t e d after all t h a t s h o p p i n g in t h e h e a t . (The thief steps back from the window and sits motionless on the edge of Helen's bed until the boy gets back on his bicycle and rides away.) S h e s p e n t t h e e v e n i n g m u c h as s h e h a d t h e n i g h t b e f o r e . B u t t o n i g h t s h e d i d n o t fall a s l e e p s o q u i c k l y . T o n i g h t s h e l a y a w a k e for a l o n g t i m e , h a p p i l y b u o y e d u p b y a b u r g e o n i n g s e n s e of p o s s i b i l i t y . (The thief stands up and smoothes the wrinkles out of the white eyelet counterpane with both hands which are trembling slightly.) H e r e i n t h e c i t y H e l e n w a s e m b o l d e n e d . H e r e s h e felt s h e c o u l d d o a n y t h i n g t h a t c r o s s e d h e r m i n d . A n y t h i n g . H e r e s h e still b e l i e v e d h e r life c o u l d c h a n g e . I t w a s n o t t o o l a t e . A n y d a y n o w s h e c o u l d w a k e u p a n d f i n d h e r s e l f l i v i n g a t o t a l l y d i f f e r e n t life. A t h o m e H e l e n d i d n o t like t o c o n t e m p l a t e c h a n g e . (The thief goes back downstairs to the kitchen.) T h e r e s h e w a s c o m f o r t e d by t h e s a m e n e s s of her solitary days. S h e valued stability, security, a n d peace of m i n d . S h e avoided anyone a n d a n y t h i n g t h a t m i g h t cause anxiety, confusion, disa p p o i n t m e n t , or o v e r s t i m u l a t i o n . (The thief sets the three full cardboard boxes i n the back hall.) A t h o m e w h e n H e l e n t h o u g h t a b o u t t h e f u t u r e , s h e h o p e d s i m p l y t o f i n d h e r s e l f l i v i n g exactly t h e s a m e life f o r t h e r e s t o f h e r life. (The thief goes into the backyard, unrolls the hose, and turns it on a small

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flower bed that the town boy had overlooked.) S o m e t i m e s at n i g h t H e l e n ' s h o p e t o o k the f o r m of a prayer: "Please G o d , just let me b e . " B u t h e r e i n h e r h o t e l r o o m s h e lay a w a k e f o r h o u r s i m a g i n i n g h e r s e l f in all m a n n e r of n e w a n d s t a r t l i n g s i t u a t i o n s . (The thief leaves by the back door, making sure it is locked afterward, carrying the boxes one at a time to a gray midsize car parked a hundred yards down the road, pulled onto the shoulder under a clump of weeping birches.) S h e c o u l d travel. S h e c o u l d visit t h e P a r t h e n o n , t h e Eiffel T o w e r , t h e P y r a m i d s , t h e S p h i n x . S h e c o u l d t a k e a s l o w b o a t t o C h i n a . S h e c o u l d sell t h e h o u s e a n d b u y a villa i n t h e s o u t h o f F r a n c e . F o r t h a t m a t t e r , s h e c o u l d keep t h e h o u s e a n d still b u y a villa i n the south of France. She could redecorate in Danish m o d e r n . She c o u l d dye h e r hair red. S h e c o u l d write a b o o k . She c o u l d take flying lessons. S h e c o u l d get m a r r i e d , for G o d ' s sake! B u t i n t h e m o r n i n g H e l e n d i d n o n e o f t h e s e t h i n g s . (The thief, o n the final trip to the car, is passed by a brown station wagon with two crying children and a barking dog in the backseat, and the harried woman at the wheel does not notice or wonder about this familiar-looking person carrying a cardboard box down the country road i n the sunshine.) I n t h e m o r n i n g H e l e n r o s e m u c h l a t e r t h a n u s u a l a n d enjoyed a s u m p t u o u s b r u n c h in the h o t e l d i n i n g r o o m . S h e sat for a l o n g t i m e s i p p i n g her coffee a n d s a m p l i n g t h e b o u n t i f u l offerings of the dessert table. H a v i n g finally eaten her fill, H e l e n went upstairs a n d t o o k her clothes f r o m t h e a r m o i r e , h e r toiletries f r o m t h e m a r b l e vanity, a n d r e p a c k e d h e r s u i t c a s e , r e m o v i n g all t r a c e s o f h e r s e l f f r o m t h e r o o m . H e r b u s h o m e d i d n o t leave u n t i l t h r e e o ' c l o c k . (The thief i s driving slowly away, down the country road and into the center of town.) S h e w e n t d o w n stairs to t h e l o b b y w h i c h was d e c o r a t e d to resemble an o l d - f a s h i o n e d parlor w i t h overstuffed armchairs,

antique lamps

on well-polished

t a b l e s , d e e p l y w o r n T u r k i s h c a r p e t s o n t h e h a r d w o o d f l o o r . (The thief pulls into the driveway of a bungalow with pale yellow aluminum siding and black

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trim, red and white geraniums in the window boxes, two well-pruned cedar bushes on either side of the front door.) In fact t h e h o t e l l o b b y r e s e m b l e d H e l e n ' s l i v i n g r o o m at h o m e which she h a d b e g u n to l o n g fondly for now. She was always g l a d t o g o t o t h e c i t y b u t a l w a y s g l a d t o g e t h o m e a g a i n t o o . I t w a s e x h i l a r a t i n g , all t h i s feeling a d v e n t u r o u s a n d c o n f i d e n t , e x h i l a r a t ing b u t exhausting, a n d she was l o o k i n g forward to t u r n i n g b a c k into h e r e s s e n t i a l d r e a m y c o m f o r t a b l e self. I n t h e l o b b y F r e d e r i c k a s k e d i f s h e h a d e n j o y e d h e r stay. Y e s , o f c o u r s e s h e h a d , s h e always d i d , e v e r y t h i n g w a s w o n d e r f u l . (The thief opens the yellow metal door with the remote control gadget in the car and drives into the garage.) T h e y c h a t t e d a m i a b l y a b o u t n o t h i n g a n d t h e n , a s t h e t i m e o f Helen's departure approached, Frederick had the bellhop bring d o w n her suitcase while she checked out. He carried the suitcase i n t o the street a n d hailed her a taxi. A g a i n they s h o o k h a n d s warmly, l o o k i n g f o r w a r d , t h e y b o t h s a i d , t o n e x t year, a n d H e l e n s l i d h i m a n o t h e r t e n dollar bill.

'

T h e b u s r i d e h o m e s e e m e d , a s a l w a y s , t o p a s s m o r e q u i c k l y . (The thief carries the boxes one at a time into the kitchen of the bungalow.) H e l e n w a t c h e d t h e scenery unraveling n o w in reverse as t h e city p e e l e d o f f h e r like a s u n b u r n . S h e t h o u g h t a b o u t all h e r p u r c h a s e s a n d w a s i m mensely satisfied.

B y five o ' c l o c k H e l e n W i n g h a m i s u n l o c k i n g h e r o w n b a c k d o o r a n d s t e p p i n g g r a t e f u l l y i n t o h e r o w n b a c k h a l l . S h e leaves h e r s u i t c a s e t h e r e , t h e d o o r u n l o c k e d , a n d g o e s i n t o t h e k i t c h e n , g r i n n i n g . (The thief unpacked the three boxes and lined up the objects on the kitchen table.) H e l e n f i n d s it r e a s s u r i n g t o see h e r o w n s e l f r e f l e c t e d i n e a c h a n d every o b j e c t , a n d b e y o n d herself, t h e r e are t h e r e f l e c t i o n s o f all t h e o t h e r h a n d s w h i c h h a v e t o u c h e d t h e m , all t h e o t h e r lives w i t h w h i c h t h e s e i n n o c e n t o b j e c t s h a v e i n t e r s e c t e d o v e r t i m e . (The thief opened one of the mason jars with a

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pop, took a large spoon from the cutlery drawer, sampled the peach and pepper relish, declared it delicious, and put the jar in the refrigerator.) Oh it is so g o o d to be home! T h e h o u s e i s h o t a n d stuffy, h a v i n g b e e n c l o s e d u p t i g h t s i n c e F r i day. (The thief made room for the other jar of relish in the cupboard to the right of the sink and arranged the tea service on its tray beside the cookbooks on the counter.) H e l e n opens the kitchen w i n d o w and p u t s the kettle on to boil. She takes the everyday tea things from the c u p b o a r d a n d a tiny s p o o n

1 4

f r o m a w o o d e n r a c k o n t h e wall. S h e sits a t the k i t c h e n table, l o o k i n g o u t a t t h e e m p t y r o a d t h r o u g h t h e w h i t e lace c u r t a i n s . (The thief fiddled with the Cupid mantel clock but was disappointed to find that it could not be made to keep good time.) R e j u v e n a t e d , H e l e n l u g s h e r s u i t c a s e u p t o h e r b e d r o o m . (The thief went into the living room.) S h e o p e n s t h e w i n d o w a n d l o o k s o u t o v e r t h e g a r d e n . T h e t o w n b o y h a s o b v i o u s l y d o n e h i s j o b well. A l l t h e v e g e t a b l e s a n d f l o w e r s l o o k r o b u s t a n d v i g o r o u s . S h e c a n see t h e r e are s o m e b e a n s t h a t n e e d p i c k i n g a n d t h e p e a s are d e f i n i t e l y d o n e . (The thief, having no fireplace, no mantelshelf, placed the clock on the coffee table beside a candy dish in the shape of a fish and a large arrangement of plastic flowers.) H e l e n u n p a c k s h e r 14

Solid sterling silver, 5 inches long, souvenir of Vene-

zuela, palm trees and oil well on handle, the word Caracas engraved in tear-drop bowl. T h i s spoon is one of a collection of twenty-four which Helen bought, complete with oak display rack, just last summer. H e r favorites a m o n g them, besides Venezuela, include Pisa with a braided handle featuring the famous Leaning Tower itself, El Salvador with palm trees and a man on a mule ( n o whisper of unrest), Wales with a castle on the handle and the coat of arms embossed on the bowl. Helen likes having souvenirs from places she has never seen and surely never will.

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s u i t c a s e a n d p u t s h e r t h i n g s away. S h e n o t i c e s t h a t t h e r i g h t d o o r o f t h e g l a s s - f r o n t e d b o o k c a s e i s s t a n d i n g s l i g h t l y ajar. I n s i d e , all t h e p h o t o a l b u m s o n t h e m i d d l e s h e l f h a v e t o p p l e d over. (The thief surveyed the corners of the living room through the viewfinder of the camera and then placed it on the coffee table beside the clock.) W h e n s h e o p e n s t h e d o o r to s t r a i g h t e n t h e m , H e l e n r e a l i z e s t h a t t h e b l u e p l u s h a l b u m i s n o t i n its p r o p e r place. T h i s is m o s t unusual. H e l e n t u r n s a n d l o o k s all a r o u n d t h e r o o m . S h e can't r e m e m b e r t h e last t i m e s h e l o o k e d a t t h e a l b u m . S h e c h e c k s t h e o t h e r s h e l v e s i n t h e b o o k c a s e , t h e b e d s i d e t a b l e , i n s i d e t h e large t r u n k ' ^ a t t h e f o o t o f h e r b e d . S h e even lifts u p t h e w h i t e eyelet c o u n t e r p a n e a n d c h e c k s u n der the bed. S h e p a n i c s briefly, t h i n k i n g o f p r e m a t u r e senility, w a s n ' t t h e r e a c o u s i n w i t h A l z h e i m e r ' s , w h a t w e r e t h e signs? (The thief went back into the kitchen and rummaged through the junk drawer looking for a hammer and a nail.) H e l e n reassures herself b y reciting the T e n C o m m a n d m e n t s . T h o u s h a l t n o t kill. T h o u s h a l t n o t c o m m i t a d u l t e r y . T h o u s h a l t n o t s t e a l . T h o u shalt n o t covet. H e r m e m o r y appears t o b e intact. S h e is h o t . S h e is t i r e d . S h e is h u n g r y . (The thief removed a framed print of Van Gogh's S u n f l o w e r s from the wall behind the couch, hammered in a new nail, and hung the angel painting there.) M a y b e t h e r e is t h e b e g i n n i n g of a

IS

Fancy metal-covered flat t o p with r o u n d e d corners,

hardwood reverse bent slats, metal bumpers. T h e r e is nothing of consequence in this trunk: two wool blankets, a linen tea towel printed with a 1 9 6 4 calendar, a cushion covered with a picture of Niagara Falls, a collapsible walking stick with a dog's head on top, and a black cashmere shawl which Helen has never worn. Usually she sits on this t r u n k while she puts on her panty hose each morning.

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h e a d a c h e b e h i n d h e r eyes. M a y b e later, w h e n s h e feels b e t t e r , s h e ' l l find the p h o t o album. F o r n o w s h e w i l l p u t a w a y h e r s u i t c a s e a n d h a v e s o m e t h i n g t o eat. T h e r e are s o m e b a g e l s i n t h e freezer, s o m e c r e a m c h e e s e i n t h e f r i d g e . S h e goes d o w n to t h e b a s e m e n t for a jar of p e a c h a n d p e p p e r relish. (The thief sat down on the couch and turned the pages of the photo album, peering into the faces of stiff-hacked strangers posed beside plant stands, grand pianos, and miscellaneous pets.) H e l e n c o u l d h a v e s w o r n s h e h a d t w o jars o f r e l i s h left. B u t there is only an e m p t y space on the shelf where they should be. H e l e n i s b e g i n n i n g t o feel a n x i o u s . S h e i m a g i n e s t h e jars o f relish, t h e p h o t o a l b u m , all t h e o t h e r o b j e c t s i n h e r h o u s e , t h e b o o k s , t h e 16

tables, t h e dressers, t h e r o l l t o p desk, a n d t h e r o c k i n g chair , everyt h i n g rearranging itself in her absence in s o m e m a c a b r e d a n c e of the inanimate. T h e n s h e sees it. (The thief looked for a long time at the photograph of a stern-faced woman holding a serious fat baby in her lap.) T h e p o c k e t k n i f e on t h e p i c n i c b a s k e t . T h e h o l e i n t h e w i n d o w s c r e e n . A t first s h e c a n n o t move. H e r hands go to her throat. She is suddenly cold in the heat. It d o e s n o t o c c u r t o h e r t h a t t h e t h i e f c o u l d still b e i n s i d e . I t d o e s n o t occur to her to abandon her house and run. S h e p i c k s u p t h e k n i f e a n d s t a r e s a t it. S h e l e a n s c l o s e r t o t h e w i n d o w . (The thief picked up the heavy encyclopedia which proved to be filled with all

16.

Large O a k and Reed Rocker, well-braced, plush tapestry

seat. T h i s was one of Helen's first furniture purchases twenty years ago. She sits in it to read in the evening and is invariably comforted by the rhythmic creak of its rockers on the hardwood floor. O n c e she dreamed she was rocking a baby in this chair. T h e baby was sucking heartily on her left breast and she was h u m m i n g a lullaby. In real life Helen does n o t like babies.

I N N O C E N T

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manner of interesting arcane knowledge.) T h e h o l e in t h e s c r e e n is a n e a t vert i c a l c u t , a l i t t l e o p e n i n g t h r o u g h w h i c h h e r o w n s m a l l h a n d j u s t fits. S h e s l i d e s t h e w i n d o w s h u t a n d l o c k s it. S h e f o l d s u p t h e k n i f e a n d p u t s it in her p o c k e t . S h e goes b a c k up t h e b a s e m e n t stairs. I n t h e k i t c h e n n o w s h e sees t h e e m p t y s p a c e o n t h e m i d d l e s h e l f o f t h e c h i n a c a b i n e t . (The thief skimmed through several sections of the encyclopedia including "The Dog Tover's Guide With Dictionary of Canine Diseases and Supplements on Domestic Pets, Poultry-Keeping and

Bee-Keeping")

H e l e n sees t h a t t h e t e a

service i s m i s s i n g , b u t n o t t h e b r a s s c a n d l e s t i c k s , t h e B o h e m i a n c r y s t a l berry dish, the gold-lined t o o t h p i c k holder, and n o t ( t h a n k G o d ! ) the very rare calling card h o l d e r

1 7

w i t h t h e b u l l d o g o n it. C l e a r l y t h i s t h i e f

w i t h t h e v e r y s m a l l h a n d s w a s a n a m a t e u r w h o d i d n ' t k n o w t h e value o f a n t i q u e s . H e l e n h a d i m m e d i a t e l y s u s p e c t e d t h e t o w n boy, o f c o u r s e , b u t w h a t c o u l d h e p o s s i b l y w a n t w i t h a n e i g h t - p i e c e t e a service? H e l e n feels t h e r e m n a n t s o f h e r city s e l f r i s i n g t o t h e o c c a s i o n : s h e w i l l b e p r a c t i c a l b e f o r e s h e falls a p a r t . S h e w i l l m a k e s e n s e o f w h a t h a s h a p p e n e d b e f o r e s h e a l l o w s h e r s e l f t o feel v i o l a t e d , a n g r y , o r f r i g h t e n e d . (The thief, in the section called "Encyclopedia of General Knowledge: Essential Facts on All Significant Subjects Clearly Stated and Exactly Defined," looked at photographs of Mount Vesuvius, Stockholm City Hall, and an Australian aborigine armed with three boomerangs.) A b o v e all else, s h e w i l l n o t cry, s h e w i l l n o t cry, s h e w i l l n o t cry, n o t yet.

17

Fancy Quadruple Silver Plated Card Receiver, cast bronze

bulldog on base. T h i s is an unusual piece which Helen loves for two reasons. First, because it reminds her of how much better off she would have been to be b o r n in an earlier time when callers came with cards and the world was an altogether more genteel place. Second, because she likes the silly look on the bulldog's ugly face. Despite what other people might think, Helen does have a sense of humor.

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H e l e n walks from r o o m t o r o o m assessing t h e extent o f h e r losses. S h e k n o w s s h e s h o u l d call t h e p o l i c e b u t first s h e w a n t s t o see e x a c t l y w h a t is m i s s i n g . (The thief opened the leather-hound notebook filled with Helen's handwriting and turned eagerly to the first page.) H e r c u r i o s i t y is b e g i n n i n g to get the better of her. I n t h e living r o o m t h e C u p i d c l o c k a n d t h e t y p e w r i t e r a r e g o n e . I n t h e l i b r a r y s h e sees t h e e m p t y s t a n d w h i c h h a d h e l d t h e e n c y c l o p e d i a . N o t o n e o t h e r b o o k i s m i s s i n g . N o t o n e o t h e r b o o k i s even o u t o f p l a c e . (The thief read the first entry, dated April 26, 1975, obviously written shortly after Helen had moved into the house: R a i n . L a m b c h o p s , p e a s , m a s h e d p o t a t o e s , apple crisp for dessert. U n p a c k i n g a l m o s t d o n e . L o n g q u i e t evening. O n t h e average h u m a n h e a d t h e r e are 1 0 0 , 0 0 0 h a i r s . T h e y g r o w 0 . 0 1 i n c h e s every d a y . I n t h e m u s i c r o o m , o n l y t h e b o x c a m e r a i s m i s s i n g . H e l e n goes upstairs. T h e angel p a i n t i n g o n the l a n d i n g i s gone. S h e r u b s h e r h a n d over its s i l h o u e t t e o n t h e w a l l p a p e r . (The thief flipped ahead through the pages and read: O c t o b e r 2 0 , 1 9 7 9 . H i g h w i n d , t r e e s m o a n a s t h e i r b r a n c h e s are s t r i p p e d . L e a v e s t o r a k e t o m o r r o w . B e e f s t e w , t o o m a n y o n i o n s . C a n ' t sleep. H e a d a c h e . H i r e s o m e o n e t o p u t u p s t o r m w i n d o w s . T h e s e v e n d e a d l y s i n s are a n g e r , envy, c o v e t o u s n e s s , g l u t t o n y , lust, pride, a n d sloth.) H e l e n looks into each of the r o o m s along the upstairs hallway b u t f i n d s n o t h i n g a m i s s . T h e o n l y s o u n d i s t h a t o f a d e a d l e a f falling f r o m a large p o t t e d fig t r e e a t t h e e n d o f t h e hallway. She goes back i n t o her b e d r o o m . S h e l o o k s t h r o u g h the jewelry c h e s t . S h e i s relieved t o see t h a t e v e r y t h i n g i s still t h e r e , e s p e c i a l l y h a p p y t o see h e r f a v o r i t e w a t c h

1 8

which she often wears on a g o l d chain

a r o u n d h e r n e c k . (The thief read: J a n u a r y 1 5 , 1 9 8 3 . S n o w all day. M e a t -

18

Ladies I 4 K Solid Gold Stem W i n d Watch, two diamonds, three rubies, en-

graved. On the front is the name Beatrice and on the back, the inscription With

I N N O C E N T

75

OBJECTS

loaf, h o m e fries, c r e a m e d c o r n , a n d a b u t t e r t a r t . C o z y , r e a d i n g i n f r o n t o f t h e f i r e p l a c e . P e r f e c t s i l e n c e save f o r t h e s o u n d o f t h e f l a m e s . T h e seven v i r t u e s a r e f a i t h , h o p e , c h a r i t y , p r u d e n c e , j u s t i c e , f o r t i t u d e , and temperance. S h e l o o k s t h r o u g h her clothes i n t h e a r m o i r e a n d t h e dresser. S h e i m a g i n e s t h e t h i e f ' s fingers on her b l o u s e s , her dresses, h e r c o o l silk slip. S h e feels t o t h e b o t t o m o f h e r u n d e r w e a r d r a w e r a n d d i s c o v e r s t h a t h e r n o t e b o o k i s m i s s i n g . (The thief read: M a y 2 4 , 1 9 8 8 . P l a n t e d g e r a n i u m s , n i c o t i a n a , c o s m o s , s n a p d r a g o n s , p a n s i e s , a n d six t o m a t o p l a n t s . H a d h a i r c u t y e s t e r d a y , a l s o car s e r v i c e d . S a l m o n s t e a k , rice, l e t t u c e fresh f r o m t h e g a r d e n . T h e first w o m a n i n s p a c e w a s V a l e n t i n a Tereshkova w h o m a d e 48 orbits of the earth in a three-day mission in June 1 9 6 3 . ; H e l e n k n o w s s h e s h o u l d call t h e p o l i c e b u t s h e c a n n o t b e a r t h e t h o u g h t of t h e m tramping through her tidy r o o m s , poking at her bel o n g i n g s , f o n d l i n g all o f h e r p r e c i o u s o b j e c t s w i t h t h e i r b i g r o u g h h a n d s . S h e i m a g i n e s t h e m l a u g h i n g a t h e r a n d h e r thief, b o t h o f t h e m i n e p t a n d e c c e n t r i c , b o t h o f t h e m f o o l s . (The thief read: J u l y 2 8 , 1 9 9 2 .

love from Edward forever. W h e n H e l e n wears this watch, she feels taller, thinner, kinder. She feels like a beautiful woman named Beatrice, much loved by a handsome man named Edward. W h e n Helen wears this watch, she smiles more and is warm toward the women she meets on the streets in town. She laughs with them, admires a new outfit, gives advice on a problem of pests in the garden, lays a hand on an a r m while asking

after

their

husbands,

their

children,

their

health. T h e s e women go h o m e happy to think that maybe Helen W i n g h a m is becoming one of t h e m after all.

76

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S C H O E M P E R L E N

H e a t wave. F l o w e r s l o o k i n g d e s p e r a t e t h o u g h I ' m w a t e r i n g t w i c e a day. I was desperate o n c e t o o b u t I never k n e w for what. Water? N o . S i l e n c e ? M a y b e . A c l o u d l e s s s h i m m e r i n g sky. T o o h o t t o e a t . C h e e s e a n d c r a c k e r s , c a r r o t s t i c k s , s l i c e d t o m a t o e s , v a n i l l a ice c r e a m . C a n n o t r e m e m b e r t h e s m e l l o f s n o w . T h e ice w h i c h covers A n t a r c t i c a i s a p p r o x i m a t e l y 6 5 0 0 feet t h i c k . ) H e l e n i m a g i n e s t h e p o l i c e m e n l a u g h i n g and slapping their knees. S h e pulls o p e n t h e d r a w e r o f t h e b e d s i d e table a n d i s relieved t o find t h a t t h e t h i e f has n o t taken her H o l y Bible o r h e r g u n .

1 9 .

She re-

m e m b e r s how, w h e n she b o u g h t the gun, the salesman kept assuring h e r t h a t i t w a s a p u r e c o l l e c t o r s i t e m , h a d n e v e r b e e n fired, n o t even o n c e . (The thief read: S e p t e m b e r 1 4 ,

1 9 9 4 . Spaghetti and meatballs,

g r e e n s a l a d , g a r l i c b r e a d , c h e r r y c h e e s e c a k e , o n e s m a l l glass o f b r a n d y because t o m o r r o w i s m y b i r t h d a y . M a k e a p p o i n t m e n t t o have furnace cleaned. T h e h e a r t of a seventy-year-old p e r s o n will have b e a t at least 2 . 8 billion times. T o m o r r o w I will be fifty-three.) H e l e n takes off her clothes and puts on her white nightgown. She k n o w s s h e s h o u l d call t h e p o l i c e b u t s h e c a n n o t b e a r t h e t h o u g h t o f t h e b u r g l a r y b e i n g t a l k e d a b o u t all o v e r t o w n t o m o r r o w , all t h o s e smug w o m e n in their kitchens gossiping happily about her and her thief, s a y i n g , n o d o u b t , t h a t s h e h a d b e e n a s k i n g f o r it, l i v i n g o u t t h e r e

19

H a r r i n g t o n & Richardson's Improved Automatic

Shell-Extracting Double-Action Self-Cocking R e volver. Nickel-plated with rubber stocks, ebony and pearl inlaid handle. Accurate and dependable, equal to a Smith & Wesson in shooting acumen and power. Weight, 20 ounces;

inch barrel, 6

shot, 32-caliber, center fire. Helen has never fired a gun in her life b u t she guesses she could if she had to.

I N N O C E N T

OBJECTS

77

all a l o n e , f r i e n d s w i t h n o o n e , w h o d i d s h e t h i n k s h e w a s a n y w a y ? (The thief put down the notebook and rolled a piece of blank paper into the typewriter.) At the m o m e n t she c o u l d n o t have answered this question, p a r t s o f her carefully c o n s t r u c t e d s e l f h a v i n g b e e n s o s u d d e n l y s t r i p p e d away. She is so tired. She looks d o w n into the backyard. It is n o t yet d a r k b u t t h e m o o n i s r i s i n g , a l m o s t full. S h e w i l l g e t o u t t h e r e i n t h e m o r n i n g a n d p i c k t h o s e b e a n s . (The thief placed two small hands in position on the keyboard and typed: T h i s i s t h e s t o r y o f m y life. T h i s i s t h e l i t t l e s t o r y o f m y l i t t l e life. O n c e u p o n a t i m e t h e r e w a s a w o m a n . B u t f o r n o w s h e w i l l j u s t g o t o b e d . I t i s t o o h o t f o r b l a n k e t s s o s h e lies d o w n o n t o p of the c o u n t e r p a n e w i t h her small h a n d s folded on her chest. She k n o w s she s h o u l d go downstairs a n d lock the back d o o r b u t she does not. She knows she s h o u l d be frightened b u t finds that she is not. S h e imagines telling this s t o r y to Frederick next year at t h e h o t e l in the c o m f o r t a b l e l o b b y w h e n he s t a n d s close to her a n d asks h o w she has been. S h e imagines h o w they will laugh, h o w Frederick will lean t o w a r d h e r a n d p u t h i s w a r m h a n d o n h e r b a r e a r m , h o w s h e w i l l feel h i s s w e e t b r e a t h o n h e r face. (The thief got up from the kitchen table and went out to the garage.) H e l e n lies v e r y still. S h e feels v e r y c a l m . By t h e t i m e d a r k n e s s falls, H e l e n is a l m o s t a s l e e p . (The thief started the car and backed it out of the garage, out of the driveway, into the street.) S u s p e n d e d b e t w e e n w a k i n g a n d d r e a m i n g , H e l e n sees t h e b e d r o o m d o o r k n o b turning. She c a n n o t decide whether she is dreaming or n o t . She thinks a b o u t the angel of d o o r k n o b s . T h e d o o r is o p e n ing. A figure is s t a n d i n g in t h e d o o r w a y , w a l k i n g t o w a r d her. A small h a n d i s reaching o u t t o t o u c h h e r n i g h t g o w n , h e r shoulder, h e r hair. S h e c a n feel s w e e t b r e a t h u p o n h e r face. S h e k n o w s s h e s h o u l d b e frightened b u t finds that she is not. (The thief is watching the house.)

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(The thief is walking through the front gate and around to the backyard.) (The thief is in the garden.) (The thief is standing in the moonlight looking up at Helen's bedroom window. The night is balmy and bright. The white lace curtains flutter against the screen in the dark. Any minute now the thief is going to call her name.) A n y m i n u t e n o w t h e t h i e f i s g o i n g t o call h e r n a m e .

T h e h e a r t , i n t h e a d u l t , m e a s u r e s five inches i n l e n g t h , t h r e e inches a n d a h a l f i n b r e a d t h i n t h e b r o a d e s t p a r t , a n d t w o inches a n d a h a l f i n t h i c k n e s s . T h e p r e v a l e n t weight, i n t h e m a l e , varies f r o m t e n t o twelve o u n c e s ; i n t h e female, f r o m e i g h t t o t e n : its p r o p o r t i o n s to the b o d y being as I to 1 6 9 in males; I to 1 4 9 in females. T h e h e a r t c o n t i n u e s increasing i n weight, a n d also i n l e n g t h , b r e a d t h , a n d t h i c k n e s s , u p t o a n a d v a n c e d p e r i o d i n life. —Gray's Anatomy, 1 9 0 1 Edition

Evangeline C l a r k loved four t h i n g s , a n d four t h i n g s only. H e r h e a r t having only four chambers, spacious t h o u g h they m i g h t be, she had limited herself to loving four things. First there was music.

T h e R i g h t A u r i c l e i s a little larger t h a n t h e left,

its walls s o m e w h a t t h i n n e r ,

measuring

a b o u t o n e line; a n d its cavity i s c a p a b l e o f containing about two ounces.

T h i s love s h e h a d l e a r n e d f r o m a n d s h a r e d w i t h h e r m o t h e r w h o w a s a p i a n i s t , l o n g d e a d n o w b u t still a n i n s p i r a t i o n t o E v a n g e l i n e . T h e h o m e o f h e r c h i l d h o o d w a s a l w a y s filled w i t h m u s i c , h e r m o t h e r a t t h e p i a n o all m o r n i n g a n d all a f t e r n o o n . T h e m e a l s w e r e s l a p d a s h , t h e 81

82

DIANE

S C H O E M P E R L E N

h o u s e w a s a m e s s , b u t a l w a y s t h e air i n t h e c l u t t e r e d s t u f f y r o o m s w a s s a t u r a t e d w i t h b e a u t y a n d t r u t h a n d j u s t p l a i n joy. S o m e t i m e s w h e n she h a d i n s o m n i a due to the weight of the world on her slender s h o u l d e r s , h e r m o t h e r w o u l d p l a y M e n d e l s s o h n ' s Songs Without Words i n t h e m i d d l e of the night a n d the s o u n d w o u l d c o m e gently to Evangeline safe i n h e r l i t t l e b e d , t h e h i g h n o t e s s p r i n k l i n g d o w n a r o u n d h e r like c o n f e t t i , t h e l o w n o t e s like a n A u g u s t d o w n p o u r , q u a r t e r - s i z e d r a i n drops on w a r m asphalt. A t t h e c r u c i a l m o m e n t o f h e r life, w h e n s h e m i g h t h a v e b e c o m e a concert pianist, her m o t h e r h a d b e c o m e instead her mother. F o r that was h o w t h i n g s were d o n e in t h o s e days: o n e or the other, n o t b o t h , m u l t i p l e loves i n t h o s e d a y s b e i n g d e e m e d m u t u a l l y exclusive. R e g r e t and

resentment,

like

infidelity,

were n o t acceptable m a t e r n a l m a n ifestations.

For

this,

Evangeline

was grateful. A l t h o u g h she h a d n o musical talent of her o w n a n d so h a d never learned

to

play

Evangeline

kept

an the

instrument, air

in

her

h o u s e t o o a l w a y s filled w i t h m u s i c , any

kind

country

of

and

music. western

There

was

for hurtin',

r o c k a n d roll for d a n c i n g , jazz for t h e n e r v e s , b l u e s for t h e b l u e s , a n d classical f o r c a t h a r s i s . A n d e s p e cially t h e r e w a s M e n d e l s s o h n for t h e m i d d l e o f t h e n i g h t , t o s m o o t h the wrinkles out of the weight of the world. Secondly there was color.

THE

SPACIOUS

C H A M B E R S

OF

HER

83

HEART

T h e R i g h t V e n t r i c l e is triangular in form, and extends from the right auricle t o n e a r t h e apex o f t h e h e a r t . Its a n t e r i o r o r u p p e r surface i s r o u n d e d a n d convex, a n d f o r m s t h e larger p a r t o f t h e f r o n t o f t h e h e a r t . . . . T h e walls of t h e r i g h t ventricle are t h i n n e r t h a n t h o s e o f t h e left, t h e p r o p o r t i o n b e t w e e n t h e m b e i n g as I to 3. . . . T h e cavity equals in size t h a t of t h e left ventricle, a n d is capable o f c o n t a i n i n g a b o u t t h r e e fluid o u n c e s .

T h i s love E v a n g e l i n e w a s l e a r n i n g f r o m a n d s h a r i n g w i t h h e r h u s b a n d , w h o w a s a p a i n t e r , a v e r y g o o d p a i n t e r w h o s e vivid l a r g e r - t h a n - l i f e c a n v a s e s w e r e s h o w n all o v e r t h e c o n t i n e n t . Brilliant a n d electric w e r e t h e words m o s t often applied by the

critics, u s e d

indiscriminately,

it

seemed, t o describe b o t h the m a n h i m s e l f a n d his provocative a n d p e n e t r a t i n g use of color. H e r h u s b a n d was i n d e e d a brilliant a n d electric m a n ,

a

volatile genius

who

w a s always p a i n t i n g i n h i s s t u d i o or wanting to. Evangeline quickly discovered that m o s t of the m a neuvers

and

mechanics

of

daily

life s t r u c k h i m a s m u n d a n e , i f n o t a d o w n r i g h t waste of time. F r o m h i m s h e l e a r n e d t h a t all things, animal, vegetable, or m i n eral ( a l s o p l a s t i c , p o l y e s t e r , o r n y l o n ) , were intrinsically i m p o r t a n t n o t because of function but bec a u s e o f c o l o r , w h i c h i s all t h e naked

eye

naturally

cares

about

84

DIANE

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anyway. H e s p e n t a lot o f t i m e m i x i n g c o l o r s , t r y i n g t o create t h e t r u e g r e e n o f g r a s s , t h e t r u e b l u e o f sky, t h e t r u e r e d o f b l o o d , a n d t h e t r u e i n e f f a b l e c o l o r o f t h e s u n , w h i c h i s n o t y e l l o w a t all, t h o u g h w e h a v e b e e n t r i c k e d f r o m a n early age i n t o b e l i e v i n g t h a t i t is. T h i s s e a r c h for t h e t r u e c o l o r o f e v e r y t h i n g w a s , h e s a i d , like t r y i n g t o c r e a t e life i n a t e s t t u b e . B u t w h a t i s life, w h a t i s t r u t h , w h a t i s t h e c o l o r o f y o u r breath in the summer, what is the true c o l o r o f flesh? A l t h o u g h she h a d no artistic talent of her o w n a n d so h a d never p a i n t e d a picture of anything, Evangeline t o o k great

pains

to

keep

her

house

(his

h o u s e , t h e i r h o u s e ) full o f c o l o r . S h e h a d a stained-glass w i n d o w installed in the

bathroom so

that her husband's

n a k e d b o d y ( a l s o h i s n a k e d eye) w o u l d g l o w like a n i l l u m i n a t e d p r i s m i n t h e shower. T h i s calmed h i m d o w n c o n siderably because any f o r m o f clarity (plain glass, cellophane, Saran W r a p , or water)

tormented him unbearably

because it was unattainable. S h e was careful t o d r e s s h e r s e l f i n b r i g h t c o l o r s ( y e l l o w scarf, g r e e n b l o u s e , b l u e s k i r t , red

tights,

purple

shoes)

because

clearly h e r h u s b a n d a d o r e d h e r w h e n s h e a p p e a r e d b e f o r e h i m like t h i s , w i t h t h e b a n d s o f c o l o r e n c i r c l i n g h e r b o d y like a r a i n b o w o f p r e t t y r i b b o n s , w o n d r o u s b a n d a g e s f r o m her h e a d to her toes. E v e r y m o r n i n g h e r h u s b a n d sat i n h i s b l u e s h i r t a t t h e b r e a k f a s t

THE

SPACIOUS

CHAMBERS

OF

HER

85

HEART

t a b l e , s u r r o u n d e d b y t h e still life s h e h a d s o c a r e f u l l y a r r a n g e d : t h e y e l l o w e g g y o l k s , t h e r e d j a m , t h e b r o w n coffee, t h e p u r p l e lilacs o n t h e windowsill, his red lips, white teeth, chewing a n d smiling. A n d while h e a d m i r e d the o r a n g e juice s h o t t h r o u g h w i t h sunlight, Evangeline w a s left b r e a t h l e s s a n d i n t o x i c a t e d w i t h t h e p l e a s u r e o f h e r o w n p o w e r . O f c o u r s e s h e d i d n ' t p u t i t t o h e r h u s b a n d t h a t way. I n s t e a d s h e s a i d she was smiling because she was happy. T h i r d l y there was language.

T h e Left Auricle is rather smaller t h a n the r i g h t ; its walls thicker, m e a s u r i n g a b o u t o n e line a n d a half; it c o n s i s t s , like t h e r i g h t , of t w o p a r t s , a p r i n c i p a l cavity, or sinus, a n d an appendix auricula.

T h i s love h a d c o m e t o E v a n g e l i n e o f its o w n v o l i t i o n , r i g h t o u t o f t h e blue ( l o n g before she'd m a r r i e d a n d discovered the m e a n i n g s a n d m e s sages o f s k y b l u e , b a b y b l u e , t h e w i l d b l u e y o n d e r , o r a n y o t h e r m u t a t i o n o f b l u e n e s s ) . T h i s love s h e w a s s h a r i n g w i t h a n d p a s s i n g o n ( s h e h o p e d ) t o her s o n w h o was just l e a r n i n g t o read. H e followed her a r o u n d a s k i n g , " W h a t d o e s t h i s say? W h a t d o e s t h a t s a y ? " F o r every r o o m , w h e n y o u l o o k e d a t i t t h a t way, w a s r i l l e d w i t h t h e p r i n t e d w o r d . B e s i d e s all t h e b o o k s w h i c h c o v e r e d every flat s u r f a c e , t h e r e w e r e cereal boxes, labeled canisters, s h a m p o o bottles, t o o t h p a s t e tubes, postcards, a n d n o t e s t o h e r s e l f s t u c k o n t h e fridge, all o f t h e s e c o v e r e d w i t h i n structions,

ingredients, reminders, names,

and warnings.

He

came

h o m e f r o m s c h o o l w i t h l i t t l e b o o k s w h i c h s h e r e a d t o h i m every e v e n i n g after s u p p e r . S h e n e a r l y w e p t w i t h h a p p i n e s s w h e n h e l e a r n e d

86

DIANE

S C H O E M P E R L E N

to p i c k o u t w o r d s by h i m s e l f : the, you, go, no, pop, hop, hop on pop. S h e p r i n t e d o u t lists of r h y m i n g w o r d s like hook, hook, took, look, nook, rook,

crook,

shook,

a n d they h u g g e d each

other with excitement. W h e n she t h o u g h t a b o u t all t h e w o r d s i n t h e l a n g u a g e , s h e had to marvel at the miracle of anyone ever l e a r n i n g t o r e a d i n t h e first p l a c e . T h e y w e r e all g e n i u s e s , w h e n y o u l o o k e d a t i t t h a t way. A l t h o u g h she h a d n o literary talent o f her o w n a n d so h a d never written a story, a novel, or a p o e m , Evangeline k e p t t h e w h o l e h o u s e full o f b o o k s . T h e r e w e r e b o o k c a s e s i n e v e r y s i n g l e r o o m , even t h e b a t h r o o m . T h e meals were slapdash a n d the h o u s e was a colorful m e s s , b e c a u s e w h e n Evangeline was n o t c h a n g i n g t h e m u s i c , o r a r r a n g ing the n e w p u r p l e a n d turquoise jewel-tone towels in the b a t h r o o m , she was reading. S h e h a d a special little b o o k s t a n d which she carried a r o u n d t h e house with her so she could read while she c o o k e d , while she ate, while she d i d the dishes, vacuumed, washed the colorful floors.

Often

she

went

to

bed

with

a

h e a d a c h e ( a n d s o h a d t o say t o h e r h u s band,

"Not

tonight

dear,

I've

got

a

h e a d a c h e " ) caused n o d o u b t b y eyestrain. But she preferred to think, in her m o r e whimsical m o m e n t s , t h a t it was caused by

T H E

SPACIOUS

C H A M B E R S

OF

HER

HEART

87

t h e w e i g h t o f all t h e w o r d s s h e d j a m m e d i n t o h e r b r a i n , all o f t h e m i n there whirling a n d twirling, d o i n g m a g i c tricks, a n d juggling for p o s i tion. S o m e w o r d s were b e t t e r t h a n o t h e r s , she k n e w t h a t b y now. All w o r d s were n o t created equal. All w o r d s were m o r e t h a n t h e s u m o f t h e i r p a r t s . A w o r d like wither w a s b e t t e r t h a n e i t h e r with or her, f o r i n s t a n c e . Solipsism w a s b e t t e r t h a n e i t h e r soul or lips. Synergy w a s b e t t e r t h a n e i t h e r sin o r energy. S o m e t h i n g w a s b e t t e r t h a n n o t h i n g . H e r o v e r s t i m u lated h u s b a n d usually g r u n t e d and suggested aspirin or therapy b u t s h e s a i d s h e d r a t h e r suffer. Finally there was light. T h e Left Ventricle is longer and m o r e conical i n s h a p e t h a n t h e r i g h t ventricle, a n d o n t r a n s verse s e c t i o n its cavity p r e s e n t s an oval or nearly circular o u t l i n e . . . . I t also f o r m s t h e apex o f t h e h e a r t b y its p r o j e c t i o n b e y o n d t h e r i g h t ventricle. Its walls are m u c h t h i c k e r t h a n t h o s e o f t h e r i g h t side, t h e p r o p o r t i o n b e i n g as 3 to I . . . b e c o m i n g g r a d u a l l y t h i n n e r t o w a r d t h e base, a n d also t o w a r d t h e apex, w h i c h is the thinnest part. T h i s w a s h e r s e c r e t love w h i c h s h e h a d l e a r n e d f r o m a n d s h a r e d o n l y w i t h herself. F o r y e a r s s h e h a d c a r r i e d i t o n p r i v a t e l y , i n love w i t h t h e m u f f l e d pacific light o f the b e d r o o m i n t h e m o r n i n g w h e n i t h a d s n o w e d o v e r n i g h t . O r t h e a m i a b l e p i n k light o f a clear s u m m e r m o r n i n g ( w h i c h s h e r e f u s e d t o believe, a s h e r h u s b a n d w a r n e d , w a s really a r e s u l t o f all t h e p o l l u t i o n i n t h e d y i n g a i r ) . O r t h e f a s t - f a d i n g l i g h t o f a m i d w i n t e r l a t e a f t e r n o o n w h i c h m a d e h e r legs g o w e a k w i t h lassi-

88

DIANE

S C H O E M P E R L E N

t u d e . Or t h e garish l u r i d light of a f l a m b o y a n t sunset, a cliche certainly, b u t t h r i l l i n g a n d u n f o r g e t t a b l e n o n e t h e l e s s . O r t h e s p r i n g s u n beams

on

the

kitchen

floor

w h i c h h e r s o n , as a b a b y , h a d l i k e d to sit a n d s m i l e in like a little

Buddha

on

the

green

linoleum. All

of

these

explicit

lights

recorded,

with her naked

not

she

and

unconditional

had

eye, b u t r a t h e r w i t h h e r n a k e d h e a r t which, she imagined, o p e r a t e d m u c h like a p r i m i t i v e c a m e r a , a p i n h o l e i n t h e c e n t e r t h r o u g h which the illuminated images were funneled a n d t h e n amplified. She h a d read of a university hospital study which d e t e r m i n e d that w o m e n a r e f o u r t i m e s m o r e likely t o refuse a h e a r t t r a n s p l a n t t h a n m e n . T h e r e m u s t be a g o o d reason for this. A s s h e g r e w o l d e r , h e r h e a r t w a s g r o w i n g h e a v i e r (also l o n g e r , wider, thicker) a n d the s p o t of light was g r o w i n g t o o . T h i s process d i d n o t require talent. It only required patience and the i m p o n derable passage of time. R i g h t now, she figured, it was a b o u t t h e size of a regular i n c a n d e s c e n t light bulb, sixty or maybe a h u n d r e d watts. S o o n i t w o u l d b e t h e size o f a spotlight, a perfectly circular b e a m of lucidity. T h e n it w o u l d m u t a t e i n t o a s t r o b e l i g h t , r e n d e r i n g all m o t i o n r o b o t i c a n d f r e n e t i c . F r o m t h e r e i t w o u l d t r a n s f o r m i t s e l f i n t o a s e a r c h l i g h t , its r a d i a n t b e a c o n

THE

SPACIOUS

CHAMBERS

OF

HER

HEART

89

searching o u t t h e secret c o r n e r s o f everything. N e x t i t w o u l d e x p a n d t o t h e size o f a f l o o d l i g h t , w a s h i n g a w a y all c o l o r a n d c o n f u s i o n w i t h i n its vast r a n g e . F i n a l l y t h e l i g h t o f h e r life w o u l d achieve its a p e x , e x p a n d i n g i n e x o r a b l y a n d i n f i n i t e l y t o i l l u m i n a t e all t h e s p a c i o u s c h a m b e r s o f h e r heart.

Begin w i t h a m a n a n d a w o m a n . M a n y f a m o u s novels begin w i t h this f a m i l i a r c o m b i n a t i o n . A l t h o u g h i t m a y a t first s t r i k e y o u a s r a t h e r t r i t e , i n fact, o n c e y o u g e t g o i n g , y o u will f i n d t h a t i t p r e s e n t s a v a s t a r ray of possibilities.

F i r s t o f all, y o u r m a n a n d w o m a n w i l l n e e d n a m e s . C o n s i d e r t h e i r s e l e c t i o n v e r y carefully. Vinny a n d Ethel c a n n o t p o s s i b l y live o u t t h e s a m e s t o r y a s Alphonse a n d Olivia. T h e r e a d e r m a y well h a v e t r o u b l e t a k i n g s e r i o u s l y t h e fates o f Mitzi a n d Skip. S o m e t i m e s n e u t r a l n a m e s are b e s t . A f t e r m u c h d e l i b e r a t i o n , d e c i d e t o n a m e y o u r c h a r a c t e r s John a n d Mary. A v o i d t h i n k i n g a b o u t J o h n t h e B a p t i s t , M a r y M a g d a l e n e , M a r y P o p p i n s , o r t h e V i r g i n M a r y . P r e s u m a b l y y o u are n o t w r i t i n g a n o v e l a b o u t any o f t h e m , n o t yet. Describe John.

93

94

DIANE

John

has

brown

hair

S C H O E M P E R L E N

and

brown

eyes. J o h n h a s b l o n d h a i r a n d b l u e eyes. John

has

black hair

and green

eyes.

J o h n h a s n o h a i r a n d n o eyes. P i c k o n e . M a k e J o h n s h o r t o r tall, fat o r t h i n , pale or rosy-cheeked. D o e s J o h n have a h a i r y chest? H o w b i g are J o h n ' s e a r s , feet, n o s e , p e n i s ? G i v e s o m e t h o u g h t t o d i m p l e s , facial h a i r , b i r t h m a r k s , s c a r s , a n d t a t t o o s . D o e s John's A d a m ' s apple l o o k like a g r a p e c a u g h t i n h i s t h r o a t ? Move

from

character

description

to development. J o h n wears gray sweatpants with a hole in the crotch. John wears black, always black, w i t h a black beret.

John

shorts. John

wears wears

plain red

white bikini

boxer briefs.

D o e s J o h n believe i n m o u t h w a s h , d e odorant, foot powder, cologne? W h a t d o e s J o h n see w h e n h e l o o k s i n t h e m i r r o r ? H o w d o e s J o h n feel a b o u t t h e s h a p e of his chin, t h e c o l o r of his teeth, t h e size of his penis? D o n o t m a k e J o h n perfect. T h e reader, w h o i s n o t perfect, will lose interest. A n d you, t h e writer, also n o t perfect, will lose credibility. R e m e m b e r , t h i s i s s u p p o s e d t o b e a s e r i o u s n o v e l . A b o v e all else, m a k e John human. Describe Mary. A g a i n , h a i r , eyes, h e i g h t , w e i g h t . B e s u r e t h e c h o i c e s y o u m a k e f o r M a r y c o o r d i n a t e well w i t h t h e o n e s y o u ' v e m a d e for J o h n . H o w b i g are M a r y ' s l i p s , h a n d s , eyes, b r e a s t s ? G i v e s o m e t h o u g h t t o c h e e k b o n e s , crow's-feet, b e a u t y m a r k s , facial h a i r , a n d t a t t o o s . H o w l o n g i s M a r y ' s

H O W

TO

W R I T E

A

SERIOUS

N O V E L

ABOUT

LOVE

95

n e c k ? H o w g r a c e f u l are h e r a r m s w h e n s h e t h r o w s t h e m a r o u n d J o h n o r p u s h e s h i m away? M o v e from d e s c r i p t i o n t o d e v e l o p m e n t . M a r y goes barefaced i n t o

the world, her cheeks scrubbed s m o o t h a n d shining. M a r y spends an h o u r c o n s t r u c t i n g a n e w face e a c h m o r n i n g w i t h a s o p h i s t i c a t e d b a t tery of p o t i o n s , lotions, pencils, a n d brushes. M a r y sleeps in a l o n g sleeved h i g h - n e c k e d flannelette nightie. M a r y sleeps i n t h e n u d e . D o e s M a r y s h a v e h e r a r m p i t s a n d legs? D o e s M a r y s h a v e h e r l e g s o n l y t o t h e k n e e o r all t h e w a y u p ? D o e s M a r y b e l i e v e i n c o s m e t i c s u r g e r y , a r o m a t h e r a p y , a e r o b i c s , v i t a m i n s , G o d ? D o e s M a r y h a v e l o w selfe s t e e m ? D o e s M a r y love h e r s e l f m o r e t h a n a n y b o d y else i n t h e w h o l e w i d e w o r l d ? D o e s M a r y love h e r s e l f m o r e t h a n s h e loves J o h n ? You m u s t describe J o h n a n d M a r y in such detail because readers w a n t t o have pictures o f t h e m i n their heads. S p e a k i n g o f h e a d s . . . D e c i d e f r o m w h o s e p o i n t o f v i e w y o u w i l l tell t h e s t o r y , i n t o w h o s e h e a d t h e r e a d e r w i l l b e a l l o w e d access. D e c i d e w h o s e b r a i n y o u are m o s t i n t e r e s t e d i n picking, w h o s e t h o u g h t s will u n d e r s c o r e , interp r e t , a n d o t h e r w i s e i l l u m i n a t e t h e a c t i o n . T h i s n a r r a t o r m a y tell t h e t r u t h o r lies. Y o u d e c i d e . A v o i d u s i n g t h e p h r a s e she thought to herself. T h e r e a d e r w i l l w o n d e r w h o else s h e m i g h t have t h o u g h t t o . R e m e m b e r t h a t n o m a t t e r h o w witty, intelligent, or perceptive J o h n a n d M a r y m a y be, they c a n n o t r e a d each o t h e r s m i n d s . I f y o u decide t o tell t h e s t o r y t h r o u g h M a r y ' s

96

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eyes, r e m e m b e r t h a t s h e c a n n o t see t h r o u g h walls. S h e c a n n o t k n o w for s u r e w h a t J o h n i s d o i n g w h e n h e i s o u t o f h e r s i g h t . S h e c a n o n l y s p e c u l a t e . S h e c a n n o t even k n o w f o r s u r e w h a t J o h n i s d o i n g i n t h e v e r y n e x t r o o m , u n l e s s o f c o u r s e t h e w a l l s are very t h i n . R e m e m b e r t h a t every p o i n t o f v i e w h a r b o r s its o w n l i m i t a t i o n s . If with

you this

wish

to

dispense

handicap

entirely,

choose the omniscient point of view. T h i s n a r r a t o r , like G o d , sees all, k n o w s all, a n d feels free t o tell all t o o . T h i s eye i n the

sky

pening

can in

see Outer

what's

hap-

Mongolia,

B r o o k l y n , a n d Brazil, w h i l e also b e i n g privy t o t h e t h o u g h t s o f J o h n a n d M a r y a n d a n y o n e else w h o h a p p e n s a l o n g . T h e o m n i s c i e n t n a r r a t o r a l s o k n o w s t h e f u t u r e a n d t h e p a s t s o b e careful. N o m a t t e r w h o i s telling their story a n d / o r their future, J o h n a n d M a r y still h a v e t o live s o m e w h e r e . D o n o t m a k e t h i s d e c i s i o n lightly. Y o u r c h o i c e will m a k e all t h e d i f f e r e n c e i n t h e w o r l d t o J o h n a n d Mary. If, f o r i n s t a n c e , y o u s e t y o u r n o v e l i n t h e c o u n t r y , its p a g e s will fill up

with

the

s m e l l o f freshly

turned

earth,

tractors

and

bleating

of

the

growl

combines, baby

of the

goats,

the

t w i n k l i n g o f s t a r s i n t h e vast black

sky.

morning the

The

will

gentle

be

green

air

in

tinted of

the with

trees

in

H O W

TO

W R I T E

A

SERIOUS

N O V E L

ABOUT

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b u d . M a r y ' s l i p s are s t a i n e d r e d w i t h r a s p b e r r y j u i c e . J o h n w e a r s d e n i m overalls a n d g u m b o o t s . T h e y n e v e r l o c k t h e i r d o o r s . M a r y b a k e s a p p l e pies in the sunny f a r m h o u s e kitchen. J o h n c h o p s the heads off chicke n s . T h e y sit t o g e t h e r for h o u r s o n t h e f r o n t p o r c h i n s t r a i g h t - b a c k e d w o o d e n c h a i r s , p e e r i n g a t t h e p a s t o r a l e v e n i n g sky, p r a y i n g f o r r a i n . If, o n t h e o t h e r h a n d , y o u d e c i d e t o s e t y o u r n o v e l i n a b i g city, its c h a p t e r s will b e l a c e d w i t h t h e e x h a u s t f u m e s o f r u s h - h o u r t r a f f i c j a m s , t h e h u m o f a m i l l i o n air c o n d i t i o n e r s , t h e u r g e n t h e a r t - s t o p p i n g wail o f s i r e n s , t h e click o f h i g h h e e l s o n c o n c r e t e , t h e g r u n t s a n d s i g h s o f i m p a t i e n t c o n s u m e r s l i n e d u p a t r i n g i n g c a s h r e g i s t e r s , t h e slick p u r r of m e n a n d w o m e n in power suits c o n d u c t i n g high finance in h e r m e t i c a l l y s e a l e d b u i l d i n g s . A t n i g h t t h e o f f i c e t o w e r s g l o w like radioactive m o n o l i t h s . J o h n a n d M a r y live i n t h e fast l a n e . T h e y w o r k h a r d t o p a y f o r t h e c o n d o , t h e a l a r m s y s t e m , t h e c l e a n i n g lady, t h e s a i l b o a t , t h e C h r i s t m a s vacation in S w i t z e r l a n d . J o h n is a c o r p o r a t e lawyer. M a r y is a b o n d t r a d e r . T h e y o w n a silver B M W . W h i l e J o h n d r i v e s a n d c u r s e s t h e t r a f f i c all a r o u n d t h e m , M a r y p o p s o p e n h e r l a p t o p a n d s e n d s faxes all over the world. J o h n starts sleeping w i t h his secretary o n T h u r s d a y a f t e r n o o n s . T h i s i s n o t v e r y o r i g i n a l . A f t e r e i g h t m o n t h s h e b r e a k s i t off. M a r y never finds out. N o t h i n g is changed. O n w e e k e n d s i n t h e city, J o h n a n d M a r y are always b u s y . T h e y h a v e m a n y f r i e n d s b u t t h e y n e v e r h a v e t i m e t o see t h e m . T h e y g o t o films, plays, operas, ballets, art exhibits, a n d antique auctions. T h e y eat c o m p l i c a t e d i n t e r n a t i o n a l cuisine in expensive elegant restaurants. O f c o u r s e J o h n a n d M a r y k n o w full well t h a t n o t e v e r y o n e i n t h e c i t y i s a s p r i v i l e g e d a s t h e y a r e . T h e y k n o w all a b o u t t h e p o v e r t y , t h e crime, the drugs, the homeless, the powerless, the helpless, children abducted and abused, w o m e n raped and battered, innocent people

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m u r d e r e d f o r n o r e a s o n . T h e y see i t o n t h e e v e n i n g n e w s . T h e y r e a d all a b o u t i t i n t h e m o r n i n g p a p e r . T h e y are a p p r o p r i a t e l y s h o c k e d . S o m e t i m e s t h e y see t h e e v i d e n c e a r o u n d t h e m : a m a n s l e e p i n g i n a d o o r w a y , a b u l l e t h o l e in a p l a t e - g l a s s w i n d o w , a b l o o d s t a i n on a w h i t e wall, o n c e t h e c h a l k o u t l i n e o f a v i c t i m like a h o p s c o t c h g a m e o n t h e s i d e w a l k . B u t t h e y k n o w t h e s e t h i n g s i n a h a p h a z a r d way, t h e w a y t h e y k n o w a b o u t h u r r i c a n e s , f a m i n e , a n d war. T h e y see t h e m t h r o u g h a wall o f s h a t t e r p r o o f glass. R e a l i z i n g t h a t y o u k n o w a l o t a b o u t c i t y life a n d v i r t u a l l y n o t h i n g a b o u t t h e c o u n t r y , d e c i d e t o set y o u r n o v e l i n t h e city. A f t e r all, y o u have always b e e n t o l d t o write a b o u t w h a t you k n o w . Set y o u r novel in a small o l d city on t h e s h o r e of a large p o l l u t e d lake, a clean respectable city w i t h l i m e s t o n e b u i l d i n g s , heritage sites, s a i l b o a t s a n d y a c h t s i n t h e h a r b o r , a p r e s t i g i o u s u n i v e r s i t y , a large p s y c h i a t r i c h o s p i t a l , a n d several p r i s o n s f o r b o t h m e n a n d w o m e n . T h i s i s w h a t you know. C h a n g e the street n a m e s to protect the innocent. A d m i t t h a t you don't k n o w m u c h a b o u t lawyers, b o n d traders, B M W s , o r life i n t h e fast l a n e . A d m i t t h a t y o u h a v e n e v e r h a d a c l e a n i n g lady, a s a i l b o a t , o r a v a c a t i o n i n S w i t z e r l a n d . O n w e e k e n d s y o u d o chores a n d get groceries at t h e mall. T h e n y o u have a nap. M a k e J o h n a n d M a r y ordinary people. M a k e M a r y a teacher. M a k e J o h n a n e m p l o y e e o f t h e r a i l r o a d . R e m e m b e r t h a t all o r d i n a r y p e o p l e are e x t r a o r d i n a r y i n t h e i r o w n way. R e m e m b e r t h a t ordinary d o e s n o t m e a n simple. I f y o u w i s h , y o u m a y l o o s e l y b a s e J o h n a n d M a r y o n real-life p e o ple. I f y o u are a w o m a n writer, y o u m a y base M a r y o n yourself a n d J o h n o n s o m e m a n y o u w e r e o n c e i n v o l v e d w i t h . T h e real-life J o h n m a y n o t appreciate this b u t t h e n again, h e m a y b e f l a t t e r e d t o f i n d h i m s e l f i m m o r t a l i z e d i n p r i n t . T h e reader will enjoy s p e c u l a t i n g a s t o the true identities of J o h n a n d M a r y a n d the small o l d city in which

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t h e y live. L a t e r , w h e n i n t e r v i e w e r s a s k i f y o u r n o v e l i s a u t o b i o g r a p h i cal, say, " N o , n o t exactly," a n d s m i l e e n i g m a t i c a l l y . J o h n a n d M a r y m a y o r m a y n o t h a v e c h i l d r e n . I n f i c t i o n , a s i n real life, t h i s i s a b i g d e c i s i o n . R e m e m b e r t h a t i n f i c t i o n , a s i n r e a l life, c h i l d r e n are s i m u l t a n e o u s l y m i r a c u l o u s and

impossible,

with

an

uncanny

power to bring out b o t h the best and the worst

in

the

adults

who

love

t h e m . R e m e m b e r that in fiction, as i n real life,

the advent of o n e or

m o r e c h i l d r e n i n t o a c o u p l e ' s lives will change absolutely everything. Always bear in m i n d t h a t in a serious novel, only trouble is interesting. T h i s m e a n s tension, o b s t a cles,

conflicts,

danger,

and

desire.

T h i s means plot. If John and M a r y are h a p p y a t t h e b e g i n n i n g o f t h e b o o k , t h e y m u s t b e c o m e u n h a p p y l a t e r o n . B y t h e e n d , t h e y m a y b e h a p p y a g a i n , still u n h a p p y , o r else o n e o r b o t h o f t h e m m a y d i e . A p e r f e c t l y h a p p y life is, n o d o u b t , a w o n d e r f u l t h i n g t o live, b u t i n f i c t i o n i t i s b o r i n g . D o n ' t f o r g e t t h e villain. E v e r y n o v e l n e e d s a v i l l a i n . M a l e o r fem a l e , m a k e t h e villain d e s p i c a b l e b u t i n t e r e s t i n g , v i c i o u s b u t e x c i t i n g , evil b u t f o n d o f c h i l d r e n a n d s m a l l a n i m a l s . I n a s e r i o u s n o v e l , t h e b a d g u y s d o n o t w e a r b l a c k h a t s . B e careful n o t t o m a k e t h e villain m o r e interesting than John and Mary. A l t h o u g h t h e p r e d o m i n a n t t h e m e o f y o u r n o v e l m a y b e love, i t i s acceptable a n d often useful t o include s u b p l o t s which e m p l o y o n e o r m o r e o f t h e classical c a t e g o r i e s o f c o n f l i c t . T h a t is: m a n vs. m a n , m a n vs. n a t u r e , m a n vs. s o c i e t y , m a n vs. G o d , a n d m a n vs. h i m s e l f . ( B e a r i n

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m i n d t h a t these categories were devised l o n g ago w h e n it was s t a n d a r d p r a c t i c e t o refer t o all h u m a n i t y a s man, s o t h a t i n e a c h o f t h e s e c o n s t r u c t i o n s man a l s o m e a n s woman. T h e r e a r e n o p a r a l l e l c o n s t r u c t i o n s in w h i c h woman a l s o m e a n s man.) I n a n o v e l s e t i n t h e city, i t c o u l d b e v e r y i n t e r e s t i n g , f o r i n s t a n c e , t o i n c l u d e a v e r s i o n o f t h e c o n f l i c t m a n vs. n a t u r e . T h i s w o u l d a l l o w for a s u b t e x t o f a d v e n t u r e , d a n g e r , a n d p o t e n t i a l h e r o i c s t o w h i c h t h e average u r b a n d w e l l e r d o e s n o t o f t e n h a v e access. O n e weekend John goes h u n t i n g w i t h his buddies from work. M a r y does n o t approve of hunting. T h e y argue a b o u t it beforehand. M a r y says t h a t i f J o h n b r i n g s s o m e d e a d a n i m a l h o m e o n t h e r o o f r a c k , s h e w i l l n o t c l e a n it, c o o k it, o r e a t it. S h e says s h e m a y n o t s l e e p w i t h h i m a n y m o r e either. J o h n says, " F i n e . Suit yourself." H e cleans h i s g u n , s t o w s t h r e e cases o f b e e r i n t h e t r u n k o f t h e car, a n d d o n s h i s j a u n t y o r a n g e h u n t i n g cap to prevent b e i n g m i s t a k e n for a m o o s e a n d accidentally s h o t in the h e a d by o n e of his friends. O n t h e first d a y all g o e s well. N o n e o f t h e m e n a c t u a l l y kill a n y t h i n g b u t t h e y h a v e f u n t r a m p i n g t h r o u g h t h e b u s h all d a y a n d t h e n t h e y d r i n k a l o t o f b e e r a n d tell e a c h o t h e r s t o r i e s o f all t h e o t h e r h u n t i n g t r i p s t h e y ' v e ever b e e n o n . T h i s i s c a l l e d male bonding. O n t h e s e c o n d d a y J o h n sets o u t early w h i l e t h e o t h e r s are still r o l l i n g a n d m o a n i n g i n t h e i r d o w n - f i l l e d b a g s , s l e e p i n g o f f all t h a t beer. J o h n goes d e e p i n t o t h e forest. H e hears r u s t l i n g a n d snuffling i n t h e u n d e r b r u s h . S t e a l t h i l y h e m o v e s t o w a r d t h e s o u n d s . J o h n ' s rifle quivers w i t h excitement. S u d d e n l y a h u g e b r o w n bear bursts o u t of the bushes a n d rears up o n its h i n d legs n o t six feet a w a y f r o m J o h n . J o h n d r o p s h i s g u n . H e tries t o imagine wrestling t h e bear t o t h e g r o u n d w i t h his bare h a n d s . H e tries t o i m a g i n e slitting the bear's r o a r i n g t h r o a t w i t h t h e

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knife he tries to i m a g i n e he has in his belt. J o h n has neither t h e knife n o r the courage. John back

turns

to

camp.

and For

runs a

few

minutes he can hear the bear charging through the w o o d s behind

him.

He

imagines

b e i n g e a t e n alive o n e p i e c e at a time. T h e noises behind h i m s u b s i d e a n d t h e n cease altogether

but

John

keeps

r u n n i n g a s fast a s h e c a n u n t i l h e r e a c h e s t h e o t h e r h u n t e r s . H e l e a p s u p o n t h e first s l e e p i n g b a g h e sees a n d h a n g s o n t i g h t . S o o n t h e h u n t e r s d e c i d e t o g o h o m e . B a c k a t h o m e safe a n d s o u n d , J o h n tells M a r y t h e s t o r y o f t h e b e a r . H e s h o w s h e r t h e s c r a t c h o n h i s r i g h t c h e e k w h i c h h e says h e g o t w h e n t h e b e a r r e a c h e d o u t w i t h h e r g i a n t p a w a n d t o u c h e d h i s face, g e n t l y , s o g e n t l y , i t w a s like a caress. I n fact, h e g o t t h e s c r a t c h w h e n h e w a s r u n n i n g a n d a t r e e b r a n c h s m a c k e d h i m i n t h e face. E i t h e r way, M a r y i s n o t s y m p a t h e t i c . S h e says i t s e r v e s h i m r i g h t f o r h u n t i n g . H o w e v e r , she d o e s get o u t t h e B a n d - A i d s a n d t h e iodine. J o h n tries n o t to flinch as she cleans t h e scratch. T h e y have p i z z a for s u p p e r a n d M a r y does n o t sleep o n the couch. O b v i o u s l y t h i s s c e n e reveals n o t o n l y s o m e t h i n g a b o u t n a t u r e a n d b e a r s , b u t a g r e a t d e a l a b o u t J o h n a n d M a r y a s well. I t i s n o t n e c e s s a r y t o state these revelations directly. T h e r e a d e r m a y resent b e i n g h i t over t h e h e a d . I n s e r i o u s f i c t i o n , y o u are s u p p o s e d t o b e s u b t l e . I n n e r t o r m e n t is an essential ingredient in a serious novel. T h e r e a d e r w i l l r e l a t e well t o a c h a r a c t e r w h o h a s e m o t i o n a l p r o b l e m s , w h o

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s o m e t i m e s does n o t k n o w w h a t she wants, w h o senses t h a t s o m e t h i n g i s m i s s i n g f r o m h e r life b u t c a n n o t p u t h e r f i n g e r o n e x a c t l y w h a t . M a r y has everything a w o m a n could want. She is married to the o n l y m a n s h e h a s ever l o v e d . H e loves h e r a s m u c h a s s h e loves h i m . H e i s a g o o d p r o v i d e r . H e i s n o t physically, verbally, o r e m o t i o n a l l y a b u sive. H e n e v e r f o r g e t s t o b r i n g h e r f l o w e r s o n t h e i r a n n i v e r s a r y . H e never forgets t o take o u t t h e garbage, h a n g u p t h e wet towels, o r p u t his d i r t y socks i n the h a m p e r . H e v a c u u m s w i t h o u t b e i n g asked. T h e y live i n a b r i g h t , s p a c i o u s s u b u r b a n h o m e o n a q u i e t , safe c u l - d e - s a c . T h e y are n o t w e a l t h y b u t t h e y are c o m f o r t a b l e . T h e y b o t h e n j o y t h e i r j o b s . T h e i r c h i l d r e n are h e a l t h y , s m a r t , a n d w e l l - b e h a v e d . M a r y i s a g o o d cook and pursues many hobbies including knitting, stamp coll e c t i n g , a n d b o w l i n g . J o h n loves golf, s w i m m i n g , a n d w o o d w o r k i n g . J o h n i s a g o o d lover a n d M a r y i s o f t e n m u l t i o r g a s m i c . M a r y h a s n e v e r h a d a b r o k e n h e a r t o r any b r o k e n b o n e s . H e r children d o n o t have allergies o r l e a r n i n g d i s a b i l i t i e s . J o h n d o e s n o t h a v e h i g h c h o l e s t e r o l o r a family h i s t o r y o f h e a r t disease. M a r y d o e s n o t suffer f r o m m i g r a i n e h e a d a c h e s o r excessive m e n s t r u a l p a i n . H e r f r i e n d s envy h e r . T h e y say s h e is l e a d i n g a c h a r m e d life. M a r y k n o w s h e r f r i e n d s are r i g h t . B u t s t i l l . . . b u t s t i l l . . . M a r y k n o w s she is n o t as happy as she s h o u l d be. S o m e t i m e s she feels f r u s t r a t e d , d i s s a t i s f i e d , u n f u l f i l l e d , e m p t y , a n d b o r e d . S o m e t i m e s s h e g e t s t i r e d o f g i v i n g , c a r i n g , l o o k i n g after; t i r e d o f w i p i n g c o u n t e r s , tables, noses, a n d b u m s ; tired of washing clothes, floors, dishes, a n d h e r c h i l d r e n ' s h a i r . S o m e t i m e s s h e even g e t s t i r e d o f w a s h i n g h e r o w n h a i r . S o m e t i m e s s h e r e s e n t s always h a v i n g t o b e r e a s o n a b l e , r e l i a b l e , and responsible. M a r y feels t h e k e t t l e o f d i s c o n t e n t b u b b l i n g i n s i d e h e r . S o m e t i m e s she wishes she h a d b e c o m e a n a c r o b a t i n s t e a d o f t h e perfect wife a n d mother. She imagines a skimpy gold outfit with sequins, a thrilling

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d r u m r o l l , t h e w h o l e c r o w d h o l d i n g its b r e a t h w h i l e s h e p e t f o r m s d e a t h defying acts before t h e m . She imagines herself afterward, t r i u m p h a n t , riding r o u n d

the

ring

on

a

noble

white stallion. T h e h o r s e s m a n e a n d h e r l o n g b l o n d h a i r are f l o w i n g i n t h e wind.

The

crowd,

roaring,

throws

flowers a n d kisses. O r else m a y b e M a r y w i s h e s s h e h a d b e c o m e a n a r t i s t . S h e c o u l d have lived

in

a

garret,

worn

outlandish

clothing, a n d gone to scintillating b o h e m i a n parties. S h e c o u l d have taken c o u r s e s , c r u i s e s , lovers o f e i t h e r sex. S h e i m a g i n e s h e r w h o l e h e a d s w o l l e n w i t h creativity. A f t e r s h e g o t f a m o u s , h e r p a i n t i n g s w o u l d b e h u n g i n exclusive galleries a n d h e r o p e n i n g s w o u l d b e a t t e n d e d b y fam o u s p e o p l e f r o m all over t h e w o r l d . Now life,

Mary,

feels

in

her

trapped.

real Mary

k n o w s t h a t cul-de-sac is j u s t a f a n c y w a y of s a y i n g dead end. I n f i c t i o n , a s i n r e a l life, m o s t p e o p l e w a n t t h e i r lives t o a m o u n t t o s o m e t h i n g even i f they're n o t s u r e w h a t . Any

minute

now

the

whistle on t h a t kettle of d i s c o n t e n t is g o i n g to blow. M a r y is g o i n g t o e i t h e r b r e a k o u t o f h e r o w n life o r g e t u p a n d m a k e h e r s e l f a p o t o f tea. In a serious novel, such internal m a c h i n a t i o n s m a y be e x a m i n e d at great length. T h e m o r e complex the p r o b l e m s , the better the story. I n -

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v e s t i g a t e t h e fears a n d n e u r o s e s o f y o u r c h a r a c t e r s . M a k e M a r y h a v e an anxiety attack in the lingerie s h o p at the mall. P u t J o h n t h r o u g h a m i d l i f e crisis. M a k e M a r y a f r a i d o f s p i d e r s , c h i c k e n s , h o r s e s , fish, tall b l o n d m e n w i t h b e a r d s . M a k e J o h n i m p o t e n t . I f y o u are n o t e s p e c i a l l y f a m i l i a r w i t h fears, p h o b i a s , n e u r o s e s , o r i m p o t e n c e , b o r r o w m a n y l i b r a r y b o o k s o n t h e s e s u b j e c t s . T h i s i s c a l l e d research. I f t h e l i b r a r i a n gives y o u a f u n n y l o o k , tell h e r y o u ' r e w r i t i n g a b o o k . J o h n a n d M a r y , o f c o u r s e , will b o t h h a v e m a n y m e m o r i e s w h i c h o c c a s i o n a l l y s u r f a c e w i t h i n t h e c o n t e x t o f t h e i r c u r r e n t lives. I n f i c t i o n t h e s e are c a l l e d flashbacks. G e n e r a l l y s p e a k i n g , t h e i r f u n c t i o n i s t o give your story history and d e p t h . T h e y help the reader understand h o w J o h n a n d M a r y c a m e t o b e w h o t h e y are t o d a y . I n f i c t i o n , a s i n r e a l life, a f l a s h b a c k m a y b e t r i g g e r e d b y a n y l i t t l e thing: T h e l o o k o f a fried e g g o n a b l u e p l a t e , a b l a c k u m b t e l l a d r i p p i n g in the vestibule, an o l d w o m a n in a b a b u s h k a weeding her garden. T h e s o u n d o f a s h o v e l o n p a v e m e n t after a s n o w s t o r m , a s o n g o n t h e r a d i o a t t h e h a i r d r e s s e r ' s , tires s q u e a l i n g i n t h e n i g h t . T h e s m e l l o f s h a m p o o o n a s t r a n g e w o m a n i n a c r o w d e d e l e v a t o r , a c i g a r e t t e lit o u t s i d e i n t h e w i n t e r a t n i g h t , a w o o l e n j a c k e t i n t h e r a i n . T h e feel o f a c h i l d ' s h a n d o n y o u r a r m , a fat c a t i n y o u r l a p , a silk s c a r f a g a i n s t y o u r c h e e k . T h e taste of an orange, a p o m e g r a n a t e , bitter chocolate, sweet p o t a t o e s , the p i n k eraser on the e n d of a pencil. A n y o n e of these things m a y lead your character back t h r o u g h the d o o r w a y o f t i m e . T h e reader will g o a l o n g gladly i n t o t h e l a b y r i n t h o f the past. In fiction, t i m e is of t h e essence. In a serious novel, t h e strings c o n n e c t i n g t h e p a s t , t h e p r e s e n t , a n d t h e f u t u r e are e x p l i c i t a n d a r t i c u l a t e . I t i s o n l y i n real life t h a t y o u m a y well h a n g y o u r s e l f o n t h o s e

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s a m e s t i c k y s t r a n d s . Y o u r r e a d e r s will likely feel m u c h m o r e c o m f o r t a b l e i n J o h n ' s a n d M a r y ' s p a s t lives t h a n t h e y d o i n t h e i r o w n . In fiction, t i m e is finite. C o n s i d e r h o w m u c h t i m e y o u r novel will cover: a d a y , a w e e k , a m o n t h , a year, t w o y e a r s , t e n , o n e h u n d r e d ? A l l stories m u s t start a n d end s o m e w h e r e . T h e same can b e said o f indiv i d u a l lives, a l t h o u g h n o t n e c e s s a r i l y o f t i m e itself. I n f i c t i o n , a s o p p o s e d t o real life, y o u c o n t r o l t i m e . I t does n o t control you. W h e n e v e r possible, try to work the dreams

of John

and

Mary

into

your

s t o r y . T h i s w i l l elevate y o u r n o v e l a b o v e t h e m u n d a n e p r e o c c u p a t i o n s o f reality, while handily introducing elements of surrealism, spirituality, a n d t h e arcane. F o r m a n y p e o p l e , d r e a m s m a y well b e the only remaining indication that there i s m o r e t o o r d i n a r y life t h a n m e e t s t h e o r d i n a r y eye. Make

John

dream

about

turnips,

d a n d e l i o n s , an alligator, an accordion, a windmill,

and

the

Shroud

of

Turin.

Make Mary dream about grasshoppers, rhubarb, laundry, an umbrella, a r h i n o c eros, a n d a flock of angels d e s c e n d i n g from heaven

and landing

in

her own

backyard. Give t h e m d r e a m s with m u s i c in the background rolling

like

like

movies,

ribbons

or

dreams a

un-

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d r e a m s w i t h t h e s m e l l o f c i n n a m o n , sulfur, o r g a s o l i n e . G i v e t h e m dreams in which the ordinary continua of space, time, identity, gender, a n d s u b s t a n c e are t o p p l e d like t o w e r s o f w o o d e n a l p h a b e t b l o c k s . Give t h e m d r e a m s i n which n o t h i n g m a y b e taken for g r a n t e d . Start dreaming a b o u t John and M a r y . Say their names o u t l o u d in y o u r s l e e p . P e r h a p s , i f y o u ' r e l u c k y , J o h n a n d M a r y will d r e a m a b o u t you. C o n s t r u c t i n g fictional dreams is trickier than you m i g h t imagine. T h e v o c a b u l a r y o f t h e d r e a m w o r l d bears little r e s e m b l a n c e t o t h e c o m m o n language a n d landscape of wakefulness. If you find t h a t you c a n n o t m a k e up a convincing dream, t h e n use your own. P u t t h e m in t h e b o o k f o r s a f e k e e p i n g . P r e s s t h e m b e t w e e n t h e p a g e s like a u t u m n m a p l e leaves a n d y e a r s l a t e r , w h e n y o u o p e n t h e b o o k , t h e y w i l l fall i n t o y o u r lap, s u r p r i s i n g small w o n d e r s , cryptic leaps of faith. W h e t h e r you are w r i t i n g a b o u t t h e d r e a m w o r l d o r t h e w a k i n g w o r l d , r e m e m b e r t o u s e c o n c r e t e l a n g u a g e . B e s p e c i f i c . G i v e all o b j e c t s the d i g n i t y o f their n a m e s . Y o u owe t h e m t h a t m u c h a t least. A v o i d v a g u e , l i m p w o r d s like good, bad, pretty, a n d nice. E s p e c i a l l y be careful a r o u n d t h e w o r d nice. T h e r e i s l i t t l e o r n o p l a c e i n a s e r i o u s novel for a nice m a n a n d a nice w o m a n having a nice picnic on a nice day. E v e n i f y o u say t h e w o m a n i s p r e t t y , t h e m a n i s g o o d , a n d t h e b u g s a r e b a d , i t i s still n o t e n o u g h . Y o u c a n d o b e t t e r t h a n t h a t . Especially

avoid the

use

of

clichés.

If

you

are

going

to

use

m e t a p h o r s a n d similes in your novel ( o f course you a r e — e v e r y b o d y does), y o u m u s t search for m o r e original c o m p a r i s o n s . T h e b e s t w a y t o a c c o m p l i s h t h i s i s t o lie d o w n i n a q u i e t d a r k e n e d r o o m a n d free y o u r m i n d f r o m t h e p r i s o n o f e v e r y d a y t h i n k i n g . F o r g e t about the dishes that need doing, the d o g that needs walking, the lawn t h a t needs m o w i n g , a n d your family t h a t needs feeding again a n d a g a i n . C o n c e n t r a t e . P u s h a w a y t h e o b v i o u s c h o i c e s , t h e easy a n s w e r s .

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D i s p e n s e w i t h w o m e n w h o a r e p r e t t y a s p i c t u r e s , w i t h l i p s like c h e r r i e s , eyes like d i a m o n d s , a n d s k i n a s w h i t e a s s n o w . D i s p e n s e w i t h m e n w h o are sly a s foxes, s t r o n g a s b u l l s , q u i c k a s w h i p s , t h i c k a s b r i c k s , o r a s s l o w a s m o l a s s e s i n J a n u a r y . D i s p e n s e e n t i r e l y w i t h all o f t h e s e i d e a s w h i c h are a s o l d a s t h e h i l l s . I n s t e a d , t r a i n y o u r m i n d t o f l o a t a w a y t o a h i g h e r p l a n e w h e r e all t h o u g h t s a r e m a d e n e w a g a i n .

I n o r d e r t o g e t t o t h e h e a r t o f t h e m a t t e r , y o u m u s t f o r g e t all a b o u t h e a r t s t h a t l o o k like v a l e n t i n e s a n d p o u n d like h a m m e r s . G o t o t h e p l a c e w h e r e J o h n ' s h e a r t i s like a p i e c e o f celery: crispy, juicy, a p a l e g r e e n s t i c k r u n t h r o u g h w i t h s t r i n g s u p o n w h i c h M a r y w i l l c h o k e i f she's n o t c a r e f u l . G o t o t h e p l a c e w h e r e M a r y ' s h e a r t i s like a p u r s e , a s o f t l e a t h e r b a g i n w h i c h s h e c a r r i e s a j u m b l e o f s m a l l b u t vital n e c e s s i t i e s . W h e n s h e d o e s n ' t n e e d it, s h e h a n g s i t f r o m t h e bedroom doorknob. G o t o t h e p l a c e w h e r e love h a s n o t h i n g t o d o w i t h h e a r t s , f l o w e r s , v i o l i n s , c h o c o l a t e s , o r w e d d i n g s . G o t o t h e p l a c e w h e r e love i s like c h a r coal, apricots, a helicopter, p e p p e r m i n t s , t h e s o u n d of fingernails on a chalkboard, a bucket of b l o o d u n d e r the bed. T h i s is the place where g o o d writing comes from. L e a r n t o love l a n g u a g e . It, after all, i s b o t h t h e t o o l a n d t h e r a w m a t e r i a l w i t h w h i c h y o u m u s t w o r k . It, f o r t u n a t e l y , t u r n s o u t t o b e a

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r e n e w a b l e r e s o u r c e . M a k e a list o f all t h e w o r d s y o u love a n d t h e n u s e t h e m . W o r d s like: simulacrum, erstwhile, luscious, lunatic, ambush, salubrious, sanctuary, breast. Do n o t n e g l e c t t h e p o w e r of v e r b s : ignite, coddle, holler, galvanize, capitulate, sink, saddle, expire. R e m e m b e r t h a t o r d i n a r i n e s s i s o n l y i n t h e eye o f t h e b e h o l d e n R e m e m b e r t h a t ordinary d o e s n o t m e a n simple o r dull. Y o u , a s w r i t e r , h a v e t h e p o w e r t o reveal t h e e x t r a o r d i n a r y w h i c h lies w i t h i n ( b e h i n d , beneath, o r b e y o n d ) the ordinary. Pay a t t e n t i o n t o details. H o n e y o u r vision. R e k i n d l e the marvel, the innocence, a n d / o r the m e n a c e o f the m u n d a n e . All t h i n g s have presence. S t u d y t h e p a r t i c u l a r s o f tables, sidewalks, ceilings, bricks, curtains, crockery, knives. L o o k o u t the k i t c h e n w i n d o w f o r a n h o u r . S e e e v e r y t h i n g . S t a r e all n i g h t a t t h e sky. I f you l o o k l o n g e n o u g h a t a n o r d i n a r y c u p o f tea, i t t o o will b e c o m e a figment of your imagination. R e m e m b e r that kettle of discontent a b o u t to boil. D e s c r i b e t h e clear h o t l i q u i d f i l l i n g the cup, the white steam rising in the kitchen on a bright M a r c h T h u r s d a y afternoon. Describe the cup: the white b o n e china so thin it is nearly translucent, the perfect curves of the handle, the

delicate p a t t e r n of red a n d gold

a r o u n d t h e saucer. D e s c r i b e M a r y stirring a s p o o n f u l o f h o n e y i n t o h e r tea a n d t h e n licking t h e h o t s p o o n . D e s c r i b e t h e s h a p e o f h e r lips as she takes t h e first sweet sip a n d breathes in t h e a r o m a t i c s t e a m w i t h h e r eyes c l o s e d . D e s c r i b e t h e s o u n d o f t h e c u p b e i n g p l a c e d carefully back o n the saucer. T h e n describe the silence. T h i n k o f everything y o u k n o w a b o u t tea, a b o u t c u p s , a b o u t tea i n c u p s . T h i n k a b o u t t e a leaves a n d t h e f u t u r e . Ask yourself why M a r y is n o t at work. She should be standing in

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f r o n t o f h e r G r a d e F o u r class r i g h t n o w , t e a c h i n g t h e m a b o u t t h e s o l a r system, the names of the nine planets in order, the position of the earth in the greater scheme of things. W h y is M a r y at home? Is she sick? H a s s h e l o s t h e r j o b i n t h e l a t e s t r o u n d o f b u d g e t c u t s ? H a s s h e b e e n fired for i n s u b o r d i n a t i o n ? M a r y , s i p p i n g h e r tea, h a s a w i s t f u l l o o k o n h e r face. R e m e m b e r t h a t i t i s p o s s i b l e t o feel w i s t f u l a b o u t a l m o s t a n y t h i n g . I t i s even p o s s i b l e t o feel w i s t f u l a b o u t p a i n , e s p e c i a l l y a n o l d p a i n c a u s e d b y g r e a t love, g r e a t l o s s . A f t e r M a r y h a s f i n i s h e d h e r t e a , s h e r i n s e s t h e c u p a n d leaves i t o n the d r a i n b o a r d t o dry. D e s c r i b e t h e d r a i n b o a r d a n d the s o u n d o f t h e w a r m w a t e r r u n n i n g i n t o t h e s t a i n l e s s s t e e l s i n k . T h i n k a b o u t t h e fact t h a t w a r m water m a k e s a different s o u n d t h a n cold water. W h e r e i s J o h n w h i l e M a r y i s h a v i n g h e r tea? M a r y a s s u m e s , c o r rectly, t h a t J o h n i s a t w o r k . S h e i m a g i n e s t h e t r a i n s t a t i o n : t h e e c h o i n g n o i s e o f t h e c r o w d , all t h o s e p e o p l e c r y i n g g o o d b y e a n d h e l l o , t h e trains grinding a n d blowing off steam, the a n n o u n c e m e n t s of departures a n d arrivals, the amplified voice s o d i s t o r t e d t h a t n o o n e can u n d e r s t a n d w h a t is being said b u t everybody l o o k s up anyway at the h i g h d o m e d ceiling f r o m which t h e voice seems t o e m a n a t e . M a r y imagines John looking up at the giant clock on the station wall: i t will s o o n b e t i m e t o g o h o m e . D o e s J o h n l o o k f o r w a r d t o c o m ing home? D o e s John c o m e h o m e because he wants to or because he h a s t o ? M a r y d o e s n ' t k n o w a n d h a s n e v e r t h o u g h t t o ask. T h e first t h i n g J o h n d o e s w h e n h e g e t s h o m e i s j u m p i n t h e s h o w e r . M a r y is s t u d y i n g The Joy of Cooking w h i l e r a t t l i n g p o t s a n d p a n s in t h e kitchen. She is going to try something new tonight: Chicken Tarragon W i t h W i n e . She m u s t disjoint the chicken a n d t h e n m a r i n a t e it in a m i x t u r e o f t a r r a g o n , s h a l l o t s , a n d d r y w h i t e w i n e . S h e w i l l serve i t w i t h rice, b r o c c o l i , a n d a fresh g r e e n s a l a d . J o h n , s h e h o p e s , w i l l b e p l e a s e d .

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John comes into the kitchen. He is wearing a pair of baggy gray sweatpants w i t h a hole in t h e crotch. He is d r y i n g his hair w i t h a thick p i n k towel. H e says, " W h a t ' s for dinner, dear?" M a r y ' s m i n d for a m i n u t e goes blank. W h a t i s she m a k i n g ? W h a t d o e s t a r r a g o n t a s t e like? H o w d o y o u d i s j o i n t a c h i c k e n ? W h o i s t h i s m a n i n h e r k i t c h e n w a n t i n g t o k n o w what's for dinner, this half-naked m a n c a l l i n g h e r " d e a r " ? M a r y s t a r e s a t J o h n a s i f she's n e v e r s e e n h i m before. S h e stares at t h e sparse hair on his chest, t h e muscles in his a r m s a s h e r u b s t h e p i n k t o w e l all o v e r h i s h e a d . M a r y looks John's

bare

feet

down at on

the

green l i n o l e u m . T h e y are still p i n k f r o m t h e s h o w e r . His

toes

are

pudgy

and

his toenails are very small. H i s b a b y toes curl inward like p l u m p p i n k s n a i l s . M a r y s t a r e s a t J o h n ' s b a r e feet u n t i l s h e u n d e r s t a n d s . Suddenly M a r y knows everything there is to k n o w a b o u t this m a n i n h e r k i t c h e n a n d , f o r t h i s b r i e f m o m e n t , s h e c a n see t h e f u t u r e i n h i s feet as if t h e y w e r e a c r y s t a l b a l l . T h i s is c a l l e d an epiphany. It is n o t clear f r o m t h e l o o k o n M a r y ' s face w h e t h e r s h e i s d i s g u s t e d , d i s a p p o i n t e d , o r relieved. J o h n says, " W h a t ' s w r o n g ? " M a r y says, " N o t h i n g . C h i c k e n T a r r a g o n W i t h W i n e . We're having Chicken T a r r a g o n W i t h W i n e . " J o h n s a y s , "Boy, t h a t s u r e s o u n d s g o o d , " a n d t h e n t h e i r lives c o n tinue. D e s c r i b e t h e k i t c h e n , t h e s k y o u t s i d e d a r k e n i n g slowly, t h e s m e l l o f t a r r a g o n filling t h e r o o m . J o h n c l o s e s t h e b l i n d s a n d sets t h e t a b l e .

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Describe the blinds, the place mats, the dishes. M a r y makes John p u t o n a s h i r t b e f o r e t h e y sit d o w n t o eat. D e s c r i b e t h e s h i r t . J o h n says t h e Chicken T a r r a g o n W i t h W i n e is delicious. After dinner, they rinse the d i s h e s a n d p u t t h e m i n t h e d i s h w a s h e r . T h e n t h e y g o i n t o t h e living r o o m t o w a t c h a l i t t l e T V . It's T h u r s d a y . T h e y w i l l w a t c h Seinfeld a n d l a u g h o u t l o u d . M a y b e t h e p h o n e will ring. N o t i c e t h a t John's bare feet m a k e l i t t l e s t i c k i n g s o u n d s o n t h e f l o o r a s t h e y g o d o w n t h e h a l l t o t h e b e d r o o m after t h e n e w s . T a k e t h i s o p p o r t u n i t y t o s p e c u l a t e a t l e n g t h a s t o t h e n a t u r e o f love. T a k e t h i s o p p o r t u n i t y t o flex y o u r r e c e n t l y p u m p e d - u p m e t a p h o r m u s c l e s . T h i n k a b o u t love a s a h o t air b a l l o o n . O n c e t h e lovers h a v e b o a r d e d t h i s m a g i c a l c o n t r a p t i o n , t h e y w i l l b e t r a n s p o r t e d far b e y o n d t h e r e a c h o r t h e o r d i n a r y w o r l d . I m a g i n e t h e e a r t h r e c e d i n g , all o f its anger, a m b i t i o n , a n d m i s e r y r e d u c e d t o m i n u s c u l e d o t s a n d l i n e s b e l o w .

I m a g i n e t h e b r e a t h t a k i n g view. B u t m a y b e t h e b a l l o o n will c o l l a p s e a n d o n e o r b o t h o f t h e lovers w i l l b e f o r c e d t o p a r a c h u t e b a c k t o e a r t h . D o n ' t f o r g e t h o w easy i t i s t o b u r s t a b a l l o o n . D o n ' t f o r g e t t h a t a p e r s o n w h o i s full o f h o t air i s n o t s o m e o n e y o u s h o u l d t r u s t y o u r life t o . R e m e m b e r t h a t love i s b l i n d . T h i s i s w h a t y o u k n o w .

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R e m e m b e r t h a t t h i s all s t a r t e d w i t h a n o r d i n a r y c u p o f t e a . L o o k a t h o w far y o u r s t o r y h a s t r a v e l e d f r o m t h e r e . A s k y o u r s e l f w h e r e i t will g o f r o m h e r e . R e m e m b e r t h a t a s y o u r n o v e l u n f o l d s , y o u m u s t a l w a y s strive t o c r e a t e t e n s i o n a n d s u s p e n s e . T h i s i s w h a t k e e p s t h e reader t u r n i n g t h e pages, always w a n t i n g t o k n o w w h a t h a p p e n s next. Suspense i n a s e r i o u s n o v e l d o e s n o t m e a n c a r c h a s e s , k i l l e r t o m a t o e s , o r a serial k i l l e r o n t h e l o o s e . I t i s a l s o p r o b a b l y b e t t e r t o a v o i d a l i e n s , U F O s , t a l k i n g a n i m a l s , g h o s t s , a n d v a m p i r e s a s t h e s e e l e m e n t s are seld o m a p p r o p r i a t e or believable in a serious novel. A m u r d e r is o k a y as l o n g as it is n o t h a n d l e d in a spuriously sensational m a n n e r . T h e b u i l d i n g e m o t i o n o f y o u r s t o r y i s w h a t will lead t h e r e a d e r forw a r d . A l o n g t h e way, feel free t o r u n t h e r e a d e r t h r o u g h t h e g a m u t o f d e light, s u r p r i s e , disgust, anger, disbelief, s y m p a t h y , s o r r o w , lust, a n d s o o n .

W h a t the action in y o u r novel m u s t build inexorably t o w a r d is c a l l e d the crisis. A t t h i s p o i n t t h e v a r i o u s s t r a n d s o f t e n s i o n a n d e m o t i o n r u n n i n g t h r o u g h y o u r s t o r y will c o m e to a head. A l t h o u g h a catac l y s m i c crisis i s m o r e d r a m a t i c , i t i s n o t a b s o l u t e l y n e c e s s a r y . J o h n a n d M a r y n e e d n o t e n d u p tearing their o w n o r each other's hair out. T h i n k a b o u t t h e d i f f e r e n c e b e t w e e n calamity a n d cataclysm. I n f i c t i o n , a s o p p o s e d t o real life, w h a t f o l l o w s t h e crisis i s c a l l e d

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the resolution b y w h i c h t h e l o o s e e n d s o f t h e s t o r y are t i e d u p . I n a s e r i o u s n o v e l d o n o t tie u p all t h e s e e n d s t o o n e a t l y . T h e r e a d e r w i l l f i n d t h i s h a r d t o b e l i e v e b e c a u s e i n r e a l life, after t h e crisis, t h i n g s j u s t t e n d to go on and on. T h e d a y will eventually c o m e w h e n y o u r novel is finished. Years h a v e p a s s e d . Y o u h a v e t i n k e r e d w i t h t h e c o m m a s , d e l e t e d t h e w o r d nice s e v e n t e e n t i m e s , w o r k e d i n all t h e w o r d s y o u love a n d t h e n s o m e , w o r d s like: permafrost, paradigm, abacus, sanguine, frugal, stark. Y o u h a v e r e w r i t ten, reworked, a n d revised as m u c h as y o u can. Y o u have r e a d t h e w h o l e b o o k o u t l o u d t o y o u r c a t . Y o u k n o w t h i s n o v e l i s a s g o o d a s it's g o i n g t o get. Y o u k n o w it's t i m e t o s t o p . O n t h e last p a g e o f t h e last draft, t y p e t h e w o r d s THE END.

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w o r d s y o u love b e s t . S i t b a c k a n d a d m i r e y o u r m a n u s c r i p t . T a p its m a n y p a g e s i n t o a p e r f e c t p i l e a n d p a t i t lovingly. R e s t y o u r h e a d u p o n i t a n d g r i n . P u t your m a n u s c r i p t in a sturdy box a n d send it to a prestigious publisher. C a l l all y o u r f r i e n d s . W i t h a n y l u c k , t h e y w i l l t a k e y o u o u t t o c e l e b r a t e . Eat shrimp and drink champagne. F o r a m o n t h o r so, believe t h a t y o u are b r i l l i a n t . S i t b a c k a n d a d m i r e yourself. D e c i d e w h a t y o u w i l l w e a r t o a c c e p t t h e N o b e l P r i z e . W a t c h for t h e m a i l m a n every m o r n i n g . R e s i s t t h e u r g e t o kill h i m w h e n h e b r i n g s b a c k y o u r n o v e l i n its n o w b a t t e r e d b o x . S e n d i t o u t t o a n o t h e r ( p e r h a p s s l i g h t l y less p r e s t i g i o u s ) p u b l i s h e r i n a n e w s t u r d i e r b o x . R e m i n d y o u r s e l f t h a t y o u love w r i t i n g m o r e t h a n a n y t h i n g else i n t h e w o r l d . R e a d People m a g a z i n e , National Geographic, a n d The Guinness Book o f World Records. D o n o t r e a d a n y o t h e r s e r i o u s n o v e l s a b o u t love. D e c i d e t o r e p a i n t the b a t h r o o m . S t u d y t h e p a i n t chips for days.

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M a k e m a n y trips to the hardware store. A d m i t t h a t it is a relief to be working with your hands instead of your head. W h i l e standing on the l a d d e r p a i n t i n g t h e ceiling, a d m i t t h a t i n y o u r novel a b o u t J o h n a n d M a r y y o u h a v e b a r e l y s c r a t c h e d t h e s u r f a c e o f love. R e a l i z e t h a t y o u k n o w m o r e a b o u t love n o w t h a n y o u d i d w h e n y o u s t a r t e d t o tell t h e s t o r y o f J o h n a n d M a r y . S o m e o f this n e w k n o w l e d g e y o u have learned from them. R e a l i z e t h a t y o u h a v e a l o t m o r e t o say. T h i n k a b o u t s e i s m o l o g y a n d t h e p o w e r o f love. F e e l y o u r v e i n s filling u p w i t h w o r d s a g a i n . T h i n k o f all t h e w o r d s y o u love t h a t y o u h a v e n ' t u s e d yet. W o r d s like: fugitive, iconoclast, wedlock, pendulum, labyrinth, pestilence, shark. R e a l i z e t h a t y o u w i l l h a v e t o w r i t e a n o t h e r n o v e l . W h a t else c a n y o u d o ? Begin w i t h a m a n a n d a w o m a n . M a n y f a m o u s novels b e g i n w i t h t h i s f a m i l i a r c o m b i n a t i o n . A l t h o u g h i t m a y a t first s t r i k e y o u a s r a t h e r t r i t e , i n fact, o n c e y o u g e t g o i n g , y o u w i l l f i n d t h a t i t p r e s e n t s a v a s t a r ray of possibilities.

T h e M a y a believe t h a t a t t h e b e g i n n i n g o f h i s t o r y , w h e n t h e g o d s gave u s b i r t h , w e h u m a n s c o u l d see b e y o n d t h e h o r i z o n . W e were newly e s t a b l i s h e d t h e n , a n d t h e g o d s f l u n g d u s t i n o u r eyes s o w e w o u l d n o t b e s o powerful. — E d u a r d o Galeano, The Book of Embraces

T h e h o r i z o n is a state of m i n d , an optical illusion, that mythical place t o w a r d w h i c h w e h a v e all c o n v i n c e d o u r s e l v e s w e are t r a v e l i n g . B u t a s w e a p p r o a c h it, t h e h o r i z o n i s always r e c e d i n g , a n d t h e v a n i s h i n g p o i n t b e c o m e s t h e v o r t e x i n t o w h i c h w e a r e all l o n g i n g t o b e s u c k e d . It is n o w c o m m o n knowledge that the earth is a sphere rotating on its axis w h i l e r e v o l v i n g a r o u n d t h e s u n : y e t i t r e m a i n s easier t o b e l i e v e

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t h a t t h e w o r l d i s flat a n d still. W e t a k e p e r s p e c t i v e for g r a n t e d , a s i f w e w e r e b o r n k n o w i n g t h a t all r e c e d i n g p a r a l l e l l i n e s m u s t c o n v e r g e a t the h o r i z o n , as if the vanishing p o i n t were the p o t of gold at t h e e n d o f t h e rainbow. E v e r y t h i n g t h a t rises m u s t converge. I t all h i n g e s u p o n g e o m e t r y , t h e h i e r a r c h y o f p o i n t s a n d l i n e s , a n gles a n d p l a n e s : v e r t i c a l , h o r i z o n t a l , i n c l i n e d , o b l i q u e , a c u t e , o b t u s e . T h e f a r t h e r a w a y a n o b j e c t is, t h e s m a l l e t i t a p p e a r s . I n t h i s c o n t e x t , t h e w o r d object m e a n s a l s o t h e s u r f a c e o f t h e e a r t h , t h e sea, t h e sky, a n d all l i v i n g t h i n g s . I n t h i s c o n t e x t , t h e w o r d away a l s o m e a n s ago. O b j e c t s a n d their reflections always have t h e s a m e vanishing p o i n t . W e have been t o l d often e n o u g h t h a t seeing is believing b u t the t r u t h is we can n e v e r see t h i n g s a s t h e y really are. I t all d e p e n d s o n h o w y o u l o o k a t it. Faced with the principles of perspective, I am baffled by the endless t a s k o f t r y i n g t o p u t t h i n g s i n it. I a m p l a g u e d b y v e r t i g o . I a m a g i n g a t t h e s a m e r a t e a s e v e r y o n e else. I a m a f r a i d o f b e c o m i n g o n e o f those people w h o is constantly asking, " W h a t ' s the world c o m i n g to?" A s i f t h e y a r e n o l o n g e r p a r t o f it. A s i f t h e i r h a n d s are t i e d . T h e a n gle o f r e f l e c t i o n i s e q u a l t o t h e a n g l e o f i n c i d e n c e .

In an a t t e m p t to b r o a d e n my h o r i z o n s , I once traveled alone to a t r o p ical i s l a n d w h e r e t h e air w a s w a r m a s b a t h w a t e r , t h e h u m i d i t y t h i c k a s fish. It b u m p e d against my shoulders a n d nibbled at my thighs. At h o m e m y favorite f i s h i s s a l m o n . A s t h e f i r m red f l e s h slides d o w n m y t h r o a t , I like t o t h i n k o f t h e m s t r u g g l i n g u p s t r e a m t o s p a w n : u r g e n t , p r i m o r d i a l , obsessed b u t n o t hysterical. M o s t f i s h never sleep. T h e y r e m a i n always i n m o t i o n , w i t h t h e i r eyes o p e n . B u t s o m e f i s h h a v e b e e n k n o w n t o s l e e p w h i l e l e a n i n g o n r o c k s o r s t a n d i n g o n t h e i r tails. T o d e t e r m i n e t h e a p p r o x i m a t e age o f a f i s h , e x a m i n e t h e g r o w t h r i n g s f o r m e d b y its scales. D o t h i s b e f o r e y o u c o o k it. T h e s a m e t h i n g w i l l w o r k for trees b u t only after y o u cut t h e m d o w n .

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On my t r i p to the island I was traveling light. I w o r e the s a m e p i n k s u n d r e s s f o u r d a y s i n a row. E v e r y n i g h t I w a s h e d o u t m y p a n t i e s i n t h e h o t e l b a t h r o o m s i n k . E v e r y m o r n i n g t h e y w e r e still d a m p b u t I w o r e t h e m a n y w a y . I w i s h e d I'd b r o u g h t a h a t t o p r o t e c t m y h e a d f r o m the

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r o u n d e r , w h i t e . O n t h e fifth d a y I b o u g h t a h a t f r o m a m a n i n t h e h o t e l l o b b y b u t i t w a s t o o l a t e . I w a s a l r e a d y d i z z y all d a y a n d a t n i g h t t h e b e d s p u n . T h a t big ball h a n g i n g over m y h e a d h a d b e c o m e a c o n stant h u m m i n g at the back of my mind. Even at midnight the color b e h i n d m y eyelids was w h i t e . T h e m a n w h o sold me the hat said there h a d been a massacre on t h a t very s p o t t w o h u n d r e d years before. H e said t h o u s a n d s o f natives h a d b e e n k i l l e d b u t h e d i d n o t say w h y o r b y w h o m . I n t h e s e s i t u a t i o n s , o n e automatically assumes the aggressors were white. H e said there were b o n e s beneath the p o r t i c o . In my d r e a m s t h a t night there were music a n d b o n e s , o n e o u t o f tune, t h e o t h e r o u t o f context. T h e

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m u s i c w a s r e e d y , t h e b o n e s w e r e s m o o t h a n d b l e a c h e d , like d r i f t w o o d . I n all d i r e c t i o n s t h e h o r i z o n w a s s i m p l y t h e sea m e e t i n g t h e sky. A t c e r t a i n t i m e s o f t h e d a y i t w a s h a r d t o tell w h e r e t h e sea e n d e d a n d the sky began. At certain times of the day it no longer mattered. P e r h a p s this was t h e real r e a s o n w h y I h a d c o m e to t h e island. At h o m e t h e h o r i z o n is always o b s c u r e d by big b u i l d i n g s , tall trees, by m e m o r i e s b o t h g o o d a n d b a d . E v e n w h e n I s t a n d o n m y h e a d , still I c a n n o t see it. On t h e island in t h e distance there was often a s o u n d like jet e n g i n e s r e v v i n g , a n a i r p l a n e l a n d i n g o r t a k i n g off, a s i f h u n d r e d s o f p e o ple w o u l d be leaving or arriving any m i n u t e now. O v e r m y s h o u l d e r , a c l o c k w a s always t i c k i n g .

T i m e h a s always b e e n t h e m o n k e y o n o u r b a c k s . W h e t h e r t o o m u c h o r t o o l i t t l e , t o o fast o r t o o slow, t i m e i s still a o n e - w a y s t r e e t . W e c a n o n l y g o f o r w a r d , w e c a n n e v e r g o b a c k , e x c e p t i n o u r m i n d s w h i c h , like t h e w e a t h e r , t h e g o v e r n m e n t , a n d love, a r e u n r e l i a b l e a n d f r e q u e n t l y e x a s p e r a t i n g . T i m e , like g r a v i t y , i s i r r e f u t a b l e , a clear glass b a l l r o l l i n g d o w n a silver s l o p e . M e m o r y i s n o t h i n g m o r e o r less t h a n t h e p e r s i s tent a t t e m p t to p u s h that ball back uphill. I i m a g i n e t r a v e l i n g t o t h e h o m e I r e m e m b e r f r o m t h i r t y y e a r s ago, o n l y t o d i s c o v e r t h a t i t isn't t h e r e a n y m o r e . T h e s p o t w h e r e i t s t o o d i s n o w an e m p t y lot overgrown with dandelions, ragweed, a n d goldenrod. S o m e o n e has d u m p e d an o l d green sofa a n d a television set w i t h t h e s c r e e n s m a s h e d a n d its g u t s h a n g i n g o u t . I sit o n t h e sofa a n d p r e t e n d I am w a t c h i n g The Ed Sullivan Show on S u n d a y n i g h t w i t h my p a r e n t s . T h e n e i g h b o r s I k n e w have either d i e d o r g r o w n u p a n d m o v e d away a s I d i d . A l l t h e i r h o u s e s are i n h a b i t e d b y s t r a n g e r s w h o eye m e s i d e w a y s w i t h s u s p i c i o n . T h e field w h e r e I p l a y e d s o f t b a l l i s n o w a p a r k i n g lot. T h e corner store where I b o u g h t r o m a n c e comics a n d blue P o p s i -

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cles f r o m a n o l d l a d y w i t h h e r h a i r i n a n e t i s n o w a fast f o o d o u t l e t . T h i s s o r t o f t h i n g h a p p e n s all t h e t i m e . T h i s i s t h e n a t u r e o f p r o g r e s s . E v e r y t h i n g i s s m a l l e r , e x c e p t t h e t r e e s w h i c h are t a l l e r b u t fewer a n d diseased. T h e street I was n o t allowed to cross is n o w so n a r r o w t h a t w h e n I s t a n d i n t h e m i d d l e o f it, m y o u t s t r e t c h e d a r m s n e a r l y t o u c h t h e p a r k e d cars o n either side. T h i s t o o i s a m a t t e r o f p e r s p e c tive. T h e p a s t , like a n y o t h e r o b j e c t , h a s s h r u n k w i t h d i s t a n c e a n d t h e passage of time. T h i s is the nature of nostalgia. L o o k b a c k i n w o n d e r . L o o k b a c k a s far a s t h e eye c a n see. A l l m e m o r i e s have their o w n vanishing p o i n t s . I t u r n my back a n d walk away. A t t h i s p o i n t I d i s c o v e r t h a t I h a v e eyes i n t h e b a c k o f m y h e a d . O f c o u r s e I h a v e c h a n g e d t o o . I a m o l d e r , taller, g r a y i n g , a n d (supposedly, possibly) a little wiser t o o . C h a n g e is h a r d for m o s t p e o p l e . I a m n o e x c e p t i o n . T h e r e a r e still s o m e e l e m e n t a r y i l l u s i o n s a n d expectations w h i c h I w o u l d gladly cling to if only t i m e w o u l d let m e . M y o w n p a s t seems n o w little m o r e t h a n a tricky act o f ventriloquism.

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p r o m i s e . I am n o t w h o I was led to believe I w o u l d b e c o m e . A n d r i g h t n o w I k n o w n o m o r e a b o u t t h e f u t u r e t h a n I ever d i d .

T h e r e m u s t b e m o r e t o life t h a n t h e f u t u r e , m o r e t o each p r e s e n t m o m e n t t h a n i m a g i n i n g t h e h a n d s o m e m e n w e will m a r r y , t h e g r a n d h o u s e s i n w h i c h w e w i l l live, t h e s h i n y c a r s w e w i l l d r i v e , t h e b e a u t i f u l b a b i e s w e w i l l give b i r t h t o : p a i n l e s s l y , b l o o d l e s s l y , p e r f e c t b a b i e s b o r n w i t h t h e i r eyes w i d e o p e n a n d t h e i r d r e a m s i n t a c t . W e a r e all a p p r o a c h i n g t h e f u t u r e j u s t a s t h e f u t u r e i s a p p r o a c h i n g u s . W e are o n a c o l l i s i o n c o u r s e . Y e a r s p a s s . I t r y t o b e p a t i e n t . I t r y n o t t o g e t a h e a d o f myself. A c o s m i c year is t h e l e n g t h of t i m e it takes for t h e s u n to revolve a r o u n d t h e M i l k y W a y — a p p r o x i m a t e l y 2 2 5 m i l l i o n e a r t h years. I w o n d e r h o w l o n g it will take t h e future to find m e . M y f r i e n d D e l o r e s h a d a b a b y t w o m o n t h s a g o , a girl, h e r first. D e l o r e s tells m e t h a t n o w s h e d r e a m s a b o u t t h e b a b y e v e r y n i g h t , t h e b a b y g r o w n s m a l l a s a p o t a t o o r b i g a s a b o a t . A l t h o u g h s h e says t h i s in a self-deprecating m a n n e r , D e l o r e s is very p r o u d of herself a n d I go s o u r w i t h envy. I t e l l h e r s u c h d r e a m s a r e p r o b a b l y c o m m o n p l a c e

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a m o n g n e w m o t h e r s . S h e l o o k s c r e s t f a l l e n . I feel g u i l t y f o r h a v i n g r a i n e d o n h e r little p a r a d e o f diapers, breasts, h o r m o n e s , a n d m a t e r n a l i n s t i n c t s . I feel g u i l t y b u t t o o j e a l o u s t o a p o l o g i z e . At n i g h t s o m e t i m e s I t h i n k I can h e a r t h e b a b y crying faintly b l o c k s away. T h e n i g h t s a r e w a r m , t h e w i n d o w s are o p e n . W h e n I d r e a m a b o u t Delores's b a b y big as a boat, she is clutching a m y s t e r i o u s o b j e c t i n h e r r i g h t h a n d . W h e n I l o o k m o r e closely, t h i s o b j e c t t u r n s o u t to be, variously, an anchor, a roast b e e f s a n d w i c h , or a slippery b a r of yellow soap. W h e n I d r e a m a b o u t Delores's baby small as a p o t a t o , h e r eyes are s p r o u t i n g w h i t e r o o t s a n d h e r s m i l e i s i n s c r u t a b l e . T h e r e is a clock ticking again, a red o n e in t h e s h a p e of an e m p t y u t e r u s . I w a k e w i t h a fever a n d t h i n k a b o u t h o w b a b i e s w i l l c r y i f y o u s h o w t h e m a d r a w i n g o f a h u m a n face w i t h t h r e e eyes a n d a n u p s i d e d o w n m o u t h . Perhaps this explains my lifelong aversion to clowns. It is still d a r k , t h e b e d r o o m i s c r o w d e d w i t h s h a p e l e s s s h a d o w s . I lie i n b e d a n d stare at t h e ceiling: w h i t e paint, a few cracks in t h e plaster, four d e a d f l i e s i n t h e light s h a d e . T h e n i g h t slips o u t t h e w i n d o w . T h e s u n rise is a s t o n i s h i n g . T h e h o r i z o n i s always a t eye level, w h e t h e r y o u a r e s t a n d i n g u p o r sitting d o w n . I w o n d e r where does the h o r i z o n go w h e n there's no o n e t h e r e t o l o o k a t it? S t i l l I c a n n o t see t h e f o r e s t for t h e t r e e s . E v e r y b o d y n e e d s s o m e t h i n g t o b e l i e v e in. W h e n all i s s a i d a n d d o n e , t h e q u a l i t y o f y o u r life i s d e t e r m i n e d b y w h a t a n d w h o m y o u h a v e l o v e d a n d h o w much.

W e h a v e all b e e n t o l d m a n y t i m e s t h a t love i s b l i n d . B u t I h a v e f o u n d t h a t t h i s i s n o t s t r i c t l y a c c u r a t e . I t s e e m s t o m e t h a t falling i n love m a k e s y o u see t h i n g s t h a t o t h e r p e o p l e c a n n o t see. T h i n g s like: h o n esty, i n t e g r i t y , w i s d o m , c o u r a g e , a f u t u r e i n w h i c h y o u w i l l finally b e r i c h , f a m o u s , a n d h a p p y , a f u t u r e i n w h i c h y o u w i l l finally b e c o m e t h e

124

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p e r s o n y o u h a v e a l w a y s m e a n t t o b e . E l e v a t e d t o a f i n e clear a l t i t u d e well a b o v e t h a t w h e r e all o t h e r m e r e m o r t a l s p l o d o n d u l l y t h r o u g h t h e i r trivial lives, i n love y o u b e c o m e a v i s i o n a r y . A n y t h i n g a n d e v e r y t h i n g b e c o m e s s i g n i f i c a n t . Y o u are b l e s s e d , a t l e a s t t e m p o r a r i l y , w i t h p e r f e c t v i s i o n . Y o u n a v i g a t e fearlessly t h r o u g h b o t h t h e visible a n d i n visible w o r l d s . Y o u h a v e n e v e r b e e n m o r e g r a c e f u l o r s m a r t . W h e n m y f r i e n d s m e t m y l a t e s t lover, t h e y w e r e p o l i t e b u t q u i e t l y a p p a l l e d . I c o u l d tell. A f t e r w a r d t h e y c r i e d , " B u t w h a t d o y o u see i n h i m ? " I c o u l d c a l m l y list a m i l l i o n t h i n g s : t h e f a d e d d e n i m p u l l e d t i g h t across his groin, t h e angle of his n e c k as he leaned to kiss m e , t h e sun o n h i s h a n d s a s h e h e l d o u t t o m e a glass o f w i n e , a p l a t e o f s a l m o n , a b o w l of n u t s , a future in w h i c h I w o u l d finally get w h a t I deserved. M y friends s h o o k their w o r r i e d heads a n d asked, "Are you o u t o f y o u r m i n d ? " I s m i l e d c o y l y a n d s a i d , " I t all d e p e n d s o n h o w y o u l o o k a t i t . " T h i s lover's face, i t s e e m e d , h a d a l w a y s b e e n i n t h e b a c k o f m y m i n d , his n a m e on t h e tip of my t o n g u e . I was t h r o u g h w i t h waiting. I was f i n a l l y ready t o b e happy. M y friends w a r n e d m e t o b e careful b u t I c o u l d n ' t see w h y I s h o u l d b e . T h e y w e r e all h a p p y . W h y s h o u l d n ' t I

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125

give i t a n o t h e r t r y ? A s far a s I c o u l d see, t h i s n e w l o v e r d e f i n i t e l y h a d p o t e n t i a l . A s far a s I c o u l d see, all m y d r e a m s w e r e a b o u t t o c o m e t r u e . I said, " T h e r e ' s m o r e to h i m t h a n m e e t s t h e eye." O u r lives, I i m a g i n e d , w e r e like p a r a l l e l l i n e s h e a d e d a r m i n a r m , neck a n d neck, toward the h o r i z o n where they w o u l d ultimately c o n verge a n d t h e n w e w o u l d v a n i s h t o g e t h e r i n t o t h e l a n d o f h a p p i l y ever-after. T h i s w a s a f t e r m y t r i p t o t h e i s l a n d . T h e h o r i z o n a t h o m e b e i n g still o b s c u r e d b y s t r u c t u r e s , foliage, a n d m e m o r i e s , i t w a s m y r e c o l l e c t i o n o f t h a t t r o p i c a l b l u e m e n i s c u s o f sea a n d s k y t h a t w a s m y p o i n t o f r e f e r e n c e . I k n e w n e i t h e r h o w t o s w i m n o t fly b u t I d i d n ' t p e r c e i v e t h i s as a p r o b l e m . I w a s so e n l i g h t e n e d by love t h a t I f i g u r e d I c o u l d d o a n y t h i n g . E v e r y n i g h t I lay i n b e d b e s i d e h i m a n d c o u n t e d h i s r i b s , like t h e scales o f a s a l m o n , t h e r i n g s o f a t r e e . I w a s c o n v i n c e d t h a t if only I loved h i m h a r d e n o u g h , I w o u l d achieve i m m o r t a l i t y . I was ready t o p u t the h o r i z o n b e h i n d m e . H e slept o n peacefully while I adored him. E v e n t u a l l y o n e o f u s did v a n i s h b u t n o t a s I h a d e x p e c t e d .

T h i s n e w l o v e r p r o v e d t o b e y e t a n o t h e r false a l a r m , a n o t h e r o r d i n a r y s c o u n d r e l l i k e all t h e r e s t w h o h a d l o v e d m e a n d left m e . A l a s , a n o t h e r b r o k e n h e a r t . N o . T h e same h e a r t , b r o k e n a g a i n . S t i l l I w a s n o t w i l l i n g t o c o n c e d e t h a t love i s b l i n d . R a t h e r , w h e n m y f r i e n d s s a i d ( s y m p a t h e t i c a l l y ) , " W e t o l d y o u s o , " I i n s i s t e d t h a t love m a k e s y o u see t h i n g s t h a t aren't t h e r e . T h i n g s l i k e : h o n e s t y , i n t e g r i t y , w i s d o m , c o u r a g e , t h e future, et cetera. Love is n o t blindness. Love is a hallucination, the ultim a t e d i s t o r t i o n o f r e a l i t y b y w h i c h all t h o s e p a r a l l e l l i n e s y o u ' v e b e l i e v e d i n f o r s o l o n g b e c o m e c u r v e s a n d all p e r s p e c t i v e i s l o s t . L o v e l e t s you loose in a p a r t of the world where the a t m o s p h e r e is t o o rare to s u s t a i n h u m a n life for l o n g . S t i l l y o u c a n n o t see a r o u n d t h e n e x t c o r ner and the horizon becomes a mirage.

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Y o u c a n n e v e r see all s i d e s o f a n o b j e c t a t o n c e . S o m e t i m e s t h e r e i s n o t i m e t o f i g u r e o u t all t h e a n g l e s . D u e t o s o m e b a d e x p e r i e n c e s early i n life, I a m c h r o n i c a l l y u n a b l e t o l o o k a h a n d s o m e m a n i n t h e eye. I a m a m a s t e r o f t h e s i d e l o n g g l a n c e . H i s t o r i c a l l y s p e a k i n g , h i s s m o o t h skin was n o t h i n g b u t a n aggravation o f m y r o d s a n d cones. I a m well a w a r e o f t h e i m p e r f e c t i o n s o f p e r i p h e r a l v i s i o n . L o g i c , like b e a u t y , i s i n t h e eye o f t h e b e h o l d e r . I t r y t o d r a w c o n clusions t h e way I was t a u g h t to in s c h o o l . S o m e valid a r g u m e n t s c o n tain only true propositions: A l l t i g e r s are m a m m a l s . All m a m m a l s have hearts. T h e r e f o r e all t i g e r s h a v e h e a r t s . Tyger! Tyger! burning bright/ In the forests of the night. W h e r e is t h e forest? H o w long is the night? A n a r g u m e n t c o n t a i n i n g false p r o p o s i t i o n s m a y a l s o b e valid: A l l b i r d s are m a m m a l s . All m a m m a l s have wings. T h e r e f o r e all b i r d s h a v e w i n g s .

A

Ladybird,

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ladybird/ Fly away home,/ Your house is on fire/ And your children

are gone. A b i r d i n t h e h a n d i s w o r t h t w o i n t h e b u s h . W h o s e h a n d ? W h i c h bush? Some

valid

arguments

have

true

conclusions

and some

don't.

S o m e t r u e c o n c l u s i o n s m a y b e d r a w n f r o m false p r o p o s i t i o n s . T h e v a l i d i t y o f a n a r g u m e n t d o e s n o t g u a r a n t e e t h e t r u t h o f e i t h e r its c o n c l u s i o n o r its p r o p o s i t i o n s . T o w h o m s h o u l d I offer m y a r g u m e n t ?

M y f r i e n d A n g e l a s u s p e c t e d t h a t I w a s h a v i n g a m i d l i f e crisis. S h e c a m e over t o rescue m e . S h e m a d e m e a nice c u p o f tea a n d p a t t e d m y h a n d s , m y b a c k , m y s h o u l d e r s , m y h a i r . A n g e l a h a s always b e e n r e l i giously inclined. She said she h a d been l o o k i n g into p a t r o n saints on m y b e h a l f b e c a u s e o b v i o u s l y I c o u l d s u r e u s e o n e r i g h t n o w . S h e figu r e d t h a t , all t h i n g s c o n s i d e r e d , m y b e s t b e t w a s e i t h e r G r e g o r y t h e W o n d e r w o r k e r or Saint Rita, b o t h of w h o m could be handily invoked in desperate situations. Gregory, w h o was b o r n in w h a t is n o w T u r k e y a r o u n d A . D . 2 1 3 , was f a m o u s for his spectacular miracles w h i c h inc l u d e d c h a n g i n g t h e c o u r s e o f a river, m o v i n g a m o u n t a i n , a n d t u r n i n g h i m s e l f i n t o a t r e e . R i t a h a d lived a v e r y t r a g i c life b u t after h e r d e a t h i n 1 4 5 7 she c a m e u p literally smelling like roses a n d i s n o w i n v o k e d a g a i n s t i n f e r t i l i t y , l o n e l i n e s s , u n h a p p y m a r r i a g e , a n d t u m o r s o f all k i n d s . R i t a ' s f r a g r a n t b o d y i s still o n d i s p l a y i n a glass c a s e a t t h e A u g u s t i n i a n c o n v e n t i n C a s c i a , Italy, w h i c h , A n g e l a s u g g e s t e d , m i g h t b e t h e perfect d e s t i n a t i o n for my next vacation since obviously t h e t r o p i cal i s l a n d h a d n ' t d o n e m e m u c h g o o d . I listened b u t said n o t h i n g . I stared o u t t h e kitchen window. T h e sun would n o t stop shining no matter how hard I wished it would rain. My n e i g h b o r across t h e street h a d a p i n k plastic flamingo in his front flower b e d . I asked A n g e l a if she k n e w t h a t f l a m i n g o s are p i n k

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because o f t h e s h r i m p l i k e creatures they eat. D e p r i v e d o f this food, their feathers will t u r n w h i t e . A n g e l a said she d i d n o t k n o w this. But she d i d k n o w t h a t S a i n t G a l l was t h e p a t r o n saint o f birds b e c a u s e h e o n c e p e r f o r m e d a n e x o r c i s m o n a y o u n g girl a n d t h e d e m o n f l e w o u t o f h e r m o u t h i n t h e f o r m o f a b l a c k b i r d . L a t e l y all o f o u r c o n v e r s a t i o n s h a v e b e e n like t h i s o n e : r i d i c u l o u s , m a u d l i n , a n d u t t e r l y u s e l e s s . E v e n t u a l l y A n g e l a a s k e d m e e x a c t l y w h y I w a s s o d e p r e s s e d . I said, "I've b e e n b u s y p u t t i n g t h i n g s i n p e r s p e c t i v e a n d I d o n ' t like w h a t I s e e . " S h e p e e r e d a t t h e t e a leaves i n m y c u p u n t i l s h e f o u n d a v o l c a n o a n d a p i e c e o f lace. T h e v o l c a n o , s h e t o l d m e , s y m b o l i z e d s m o l d e r i n g p a s s i o n s w h i c h m i g h t e r u p t a t a n y m o m e n t a n d r u i n m y life. T h e lace predicted complicated problems which would cloud my horizon. Ang e l a sees n o i n h e r e n t c o n t r a d i c t i o n i n l i v i n g y o u r life b y t h e leaves a s well a s b y t h e lives o f t h e s a i n t s . A s far a s she's c o n c e r n e d , y o u ' d b e t t e r t a k e h e l p w h e r e v e r y o u c a n f i n d it. Finally she wrote the n a m e of a g o o d therapist in red lipstick on the white tablecloth. S h e said that, m u c h as she loved m e , there was n o t h i n g m o r e she c o u l d d o for m e .

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MATTER

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OF

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*

A l l m y life I've b e e n o n t h e o u t s i d e l o o k i n g in. T h a t ' s m y face a t t h e w i n d o w , m y n o s e p r e s s e d u p a g a i n s t t h e glass. A l l m y life I've b e l i e v e d that s o m e d a y there would be s o m e o n e to take me wherever I wanted to g o . B y n o w I s h o u l d k n o w b e t t e r t h a n t o a s k for w h o m t h e b e l l t o l l s . I n r e t r o s p e c t all o f m y m i s t a k e s are clear a n d c l o s e t o s u b l i m e . I t i s a s i f I've b e e n living i n a l a n d w h e r e all t h e p r i n c e s t u r n i n t o frogs w h e n y o u kiss t h e m t o o m u c h . F o r years I've b e e n t r y i n g t o figure o u t t h e n a t u r e o f love. T h i s s e e m s t o b e a n u n n e c e s s a r i l y w e l l - k e p t s e c r e t . E i t h e r e v e r y b o d y else a l r e a d y k n o w s i t a n d t h e y ' r e n o t t e l l i n g , o r else n o b o d y k n o w s i t a n d t h e y ' r e all b l u f f i n g . F o r y e a r s I've w a n t e d t o b e j u s t like e v e r y b o d y else. F o r y e a r s I've b e e n s e a r c h i n g w i t h t h e s u n i n m y eyes. I k n o w it's w r o n g t o l o o k a t t h e s u n : we've all b e e n w a r n e d t h a t w e w i l l g o b l i n d , o u r eyeballs w i l l b u r n r i g h t o u t o f o u r h e a d s . S c h o o l children are k e p t inside for recess

on the

afternoon of the

solar

eclipse. E v e n they, it is p r e s u m e d , will n o t be able to resist t h e t e m p t a tion to look. W e a t e t o l d t h a t t h e t e m p e r a t u r e o f t h e sun's s u r f a c e i s 9 , 9 0 0 ° F .

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W e are t o l d t h a t w e are l u c k y t o b e 9 3 m i l l i o n m i l e s away. A n y c l o s e r a n d w e w o u l d all b e b u r n t t o a c r i s p . E v e n a d i a m o n d will b u r n i f y o u p u t a b l o w t o r c h t o it. A t t h e c e n t e r o f t h e s u n , t h e t e m p e r a t u r e i s s a i d t o b e a n a s t o n i s h i n g 1 5 m i l l i o n degrees. H o w can w e k n o w this? H o w c a n y o u m e a s u r e t h e h e a t o f t h e s u n a n d survive? R e m e m b e r t h e s t o r y o f I c a r u s . I n early C h r i s t i a n t i m e s , a m a n c a u g h t w o r k i n g o n t h e S a b b a t h was given t h e choice o f b e i n g b u r n t t o d e a t h b y t h e s u n o r frozen by the m o o n . O w i n g to the e n o r m o u s distance from their source of illuminat i o n , t h e r a y s o f t h e s u n are a s s u m e d t o b e p a r a l l e l . T h i s c a n o n l y b e absolutely ascertained f r o m t h e perspective of angels. I a m t r y i n g n o w t o v i e w m y w h o l e life f r o m a n a e r i a l p e r s p e c t i v e . T h i s i s like t r y i n g t o f i n d y o u r o w n h o u s e o n a n aerial m a p o f t h e city. F r o m this angle, the vanishing p o i n t is n o w h e r e near the h o r i z o n a n d all m y p e t t y p r o b l e m s b e g i n t o fall away. N o m a t t e r h o w l o n g y o u t h i n k y o u ' v e b e e n s t a n d i n g still, r e m e m b e r t h a t t h e e a r t h i s t r a v e l i n g a r o u n d t h e s u n a t a n average s p e e d o f 6 6 , 6 4 1 miles per hour. I n aerial perspective, s h a d o w s i n n a t u r a l light have a l m o s t n o p e r spective. F r o m this vantage p o i n t , there is virtually no angle of illumination.

T h e trick is to r e m e m b e r that although the h o r i z o n in nature is a c u r v e , w e see s u c h a s m a l l p a r t o f i t a t a n y g i v e n m o m e n t t h a t i t a p p e a r s t o b e a level s t r a i g h t l i n e . A s i n g l e o b j e c t ( t h e o b j e c t o f d e s i r e ) m a y h i d e m i l e s a n d m i l e s o f t h a t l i n e . I t m a y even b l o t o u t t h e h o r i z o n a l t o g e t h e r . T h i s i s d u e t o t h e d i s t o r t i o n c a l l e d foreshortening. T h e actual size of such an object can only be accurately m e a s u r e d in r e t r o spect. I m a g i n e a blade of grass t h e size of a p a l m tree, a fish t h e size o f a z e p p e l i n , a m a n ' s h e a d t h e size o f a n e n t i r e c o n t i n e n t . A l l t h i n g s

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are n o t created equal. D e m o c r a c y is a f o r m of g o v e r n m e n t , n o t a s t a n d a r d o f living o r a m a t t e r o f p e r s p e c t i v e . I h a v e r e a c h e d t h e o u t e r l i m i t . It's n o t t h a t t h i s l a t e s t lover w a s a n y w o r s e , t h i s b r o k e n h e a r t a n y b l o o d i e r t h a n t h e rest. It's j u s t t h a t I ' m t i r e d o f d o i n g t h e s a m e t h i n g s o v e r a n d o v e r a g a i n w h i l e still e x p e c t i n g a different result. I am b e g i n n i n g to u n d e r s t a n d the m e c h a n i c s of c a u s e a n d effect. I will c o n t i n u e traveling t o w a r d t h e h o r i z o n , t h e vanishing p o i n t , a n d t h e f u t u r e . M y life will g o f o r w a r d u n d e r its o w n p o w e r , p r o p e l l e d b y its o w n n a r r a t i v e m o m e n t u m . T h e t r i c k i s t o r e m e m b e r t h a t t h e t h e o r y o f p e r s p e c t i v e i s b a s e d o n t h e fact t h a t f r o m every p o i n t o f a n o b s e r v e d o b j e c t , a r a y o f l i g h t travels i n a s t r a i g h t l i n e t o t h e eye. I t i s n o t necessary to k n o w the speed of light in order to u n d e r s t a n d this a n d c h a n g e y o u r life a c c o r d i n g l y . I i m a g i n e t h a t i f I l o o k h a r d e n o u g h (far e n o u g h , d e e p e n o u g h , l o n g e n o u g h ) , I will e v e n t u a l l y b e a b l e t o see t h o s e l i n e s r a d i a t i n g o u t f r o m every o b j e c t a t p r e c i s e a n g l e s all t h e w a y t o t h e v a n i s h i n g p o i n t . T h e y m u s t b e like t h e s t r a n d s o f a s p i d e r web, visible o n l y i n a c e r t a i n light at certain times of the day f r o m a certain angle. You've seen t h e m : t h o s e s i l k y f i l a m e n t s s t r u n g b e t w e e n b r a n c h e s , fence p o s t s , o c -

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c a s i o n a l l y r i g h t a c r o s s t h e d r i v e w a y o r t h e d o o r . Y o u h a v e felt t h e m o n y o u r face i n t h e m o r n i n g a n d t h e n b r u s h e d t h e m away. I a m l e a r n i n g t o live w i t h o u t d e s i r e . T h i s b r i n g s m e t o t h e d o o r w a y o f u n c h a r t e d t e r r i t o r y . T h e y say t h e o n l y u n e x p l o r e d a r e a left o n e a r t h is t h e 1 4 0 million square miles of t h e ocean floor. All things c o n s i d e r e d , I find this h a r d to believe. M o s t o f w h a t w e t h i n k i s essential t o o u r survival has b e e n b l o w n o u t of p r o p o r t i o n . I u s e d to t h i n k I w o u l d die if I couldn't dance. I h a v e finally a g r e e d t o s t o p w a n t i n g w h a t I c a n ' t h a v e . E v e r y w h e r e I g o , t h e e a r t h seems to be tilting away f r o m m e . If t h e sun were t h e size of a basketball, then the earth would be the head of a pin. I a m l e a r n i n g t o live w i t h t h e p a r a d o x t h a t t h e h o r i z o n , w h e n I fin a l l y g e t t h e r e , i s n o t likely t o b e a t all t h e w a y I p i c t u r e d it.

I fully e x p e c t t h a t w h e n I a r r i v e , m y e q u i l i b r i u m w i l l b e r e s t o r e d a n d I will b e able t o traverse t h e t i g h t r o p e o f t h e h o r i z o n w i t h perfect p o i s e . T h e n I will k n o w w h a t t h e w o r l d i s c o m i n g t o a n d why. I m a g i n e a train traveling straight along the line of the h o r i z o n . T h e p l u m e o f s m o k e f r o m its e n g i n e i s like a f e a t h e r a g a i n s t t h e clear b l u e sky. I w i l l b e o n t h a t t r a i n , t r a v e l i n g l i g h t . T h e r e m u s t b e m o r e t o life t h a n love. T h e r e m u s t b e w o r s e t h i n g s t h a n b e i n g a l o n e . P e r h a p s t h e t r i c k i s t o r e m e m b e r t h a t even t h e a n g l e s a n d shadows of a small e m p t y r o o m m u s t operate according to the protocol

of

perspective.

Examine

the

absolute

inertia

of

corners

w h e r e all t h r e e r i g h t a n g l e s m u s t c o n v e r g e . F r o m m y k i t c h e n w i n d o w I c a n see b r i c k h o u s e s , y e l l o w t u l i p s , m y n e i g h b o r ' s p i n k f l a m i n g o , a n d a b l u e c a r t r a v e l i n g n o r t h . I c a n even see t h e b a c k o f a n a p a r t m e n t b u i l d i n g t h r e e b l o c k s over. I c a n see a s m a l l b r o w n b i r d i n a b i g g r e e n t r e e . I c a n see t h o s e m a n y e l e c t r i f i e d w i r e s b y

A

MATTER

OF

PERSPECTIVE

133

w h i c h w e are all c o n n e c t e d t o e a c h o t h e r a n d t o t h e r e s t o f t h e w o r l d . But I c a n n o t catch even a g l i m p s e of the h o r i z o n f r o m here. I read s o m e w h e r e o n c e t h a t C u p i d was t h e s o n of M a r s a n d V e n u s , t h e g o d d e s s o f love. T h i s w a s l a t e r c o n t r a d i c t e d b y a n o t h e r source w h i c h said t h a t C u p i d ' s father was actually M e r c u r y , t h e m e s s e n g e r o f t h e g o d s . P e r s o n a l l y I p r e f e r t h e first v e r s i o n , t h a t C u p i d w a s fathered b y the g o d o f war. T h i s m a k e s perfect sense t o m e . T h e surface of the planet M a r s is covered with canyons a n d volcanoes, the highest of which is M o u n t O l y m p u s , m u c h bigger t h a n any m o u n t a i n o n e a r t h . F o r m a n y y e a r s p e o p l e b e l i e v e d t h e r e c o u l d b e life o n M a r s b u t n o w w e k n o w t h a t t h e t e m p e r a t u r e i s t o o c o l d a n d t h e air t o o t h i n . M a r s receives e n o u g h u l t r a v i o l e t r a y s f r o m t h e s u n t o kill e v e r y living t h i n g . On V e n u s the surface t e m p e r a t u r e has been m e a s u r e d at 8 9 0 ° F even a t n i g h t . T h e V e n u t i a n a t m o s p h e r e i s a l m o s t p u r e c a r b o n d i o x i d e a n d t h e c l o u d s are m a d e o f s u l f u r i c a c i d . A l m o s t all t h e g e o g r a p h i c a l f e a t u r e s o n V e n u s are n a m e d after w o m e n b o t h r e a l a n d m y t h o l o g i c a l : Ishtar, A p h r o d i t e , Earhart, Nightingale, Cleopatra, and Colette. B o t h M a r s a n d V e n u s are c a l l e d inferior planets. T h i s i s n o t a value j u d g m e n t . I t s i m p l y m e a n s t h a t t h e i r o r b i t s lie w i t h i n t h a t o f t h e e a r t h w h i c h , a c c o r d i n g t o t h i s s c h e m e o f t h i n g s , i s still t h e c e n t e r o f t h e u n i v e r s e . F r o m h e r e b o t h V e n u s a n d M a r s are j u s t t w o m o r e b a l l s i n t h e sky. N o w t h a t I've finally g o t all t h i s d u s t o u t o f m y eyes, I d i s c o v e r t h a t I h a v e all t h e t i m e i n t h e w o r l d . T h e t r i c k i s t o r e m e m b e r t h a t t h e h o r i z o n , like t h e f u t u r e , i s always o u t t h e r e : even w h e n it's m i d n i g h t a n d y o u ' r e h o l d i n g y o u r b r e a t h w i t h y o u r eyes c l o s e d , even w h e n y o u h a v e n ' t b e e n able t o c a t c h s i g h t o f i t f o r y e a r s . T h e t r i c k i s t o r e m e m b e r t h a t a l t h o u g h , a c c o r d i n g t o t h e r u l e s o f p e r s p e c t i v e , all r e c e d i n g

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p a r a l l e l l i n e s m u s t c o n v e r g e a t t h e h o r i z o n , i n fact, a c c o r d i n g t o t h e r u l e s o f r e a l life, t h e y d o n ' t . W h e n was t h e last t i m e y o u asked yourself: H o w h o t is the sun? H o w old is the moon? W h o invented t h e wheel? W h o discovered t h e speed o f light? W h o is the p a t r o n saint of promises? W h a t w a s m y first m i s t a k e ?

T r a i n A a n d T r a i n B are t r a v e l i n g t o w a r d t h e s a m e b r i d g e f r o m o p p o s i t e d i r e c t i o n s . T h e b r i d g e s p a n s a w i d e d e e p river i n w h i c h t h r e e y o u n g w o m e n d r o w n e d t w o years ago in t h e spring. T r a i n A is 77 miles west of the bridge, traveling d u e east at a speed of 86 miles per hour. T r a i n B is 62 miles east of t h e bridge, traveling d u e west at a speed o f 7 4 miles p e r h o u r . W h i c h train will reach the bridge f i r s t ? ( A s s u m e t h a t T r a i n s A a n d B are traveling on a d o u b l e track so there is no danger of a h e a d - o n collision. A s s u m e that b o t h Trains A a n d B are m e c h a n i c a l l y s o u n d , t h a t b o t h e n g i n e e r s are w e l l - t r a i n e d , well-rested, a n d have n o t been drinking. A s s u m e the bridge is wellc o n s t r u c t e d a n d m e e t s all f e d e r a l safety s t a n d a r d s . A s s u m e i t i s A u g u s t . A s s u m e t h a t if any of t h e passengers on T r a i n s A a n d B are in

137

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danger, it has n o t h i n g to do with their presence here on the shining s t e e l rails a p p r o a c h i n g t h e b r i d g e . A s s u m e t h a t n o t h i n g b a d w i l l h a p p e n to any of t h e m during the course of this trip.) T h i s i s like t h o s e w o r d p r o b l e m s i n h i g h s c h o o l m a t h , t h e o n e s where bits a n d pieces of s u p p o s e d l y relevant i n f o r m a t i o n were given a n d t h e n a mysterious question was p o s e d . An elephants eye is 10.3 6 feet above ground level. The angle of elevation from a mouse on the ground to the elephant's eye is 46°. How far is the mouse from the elephant? T h e s e k n o t t y problems could only be solved by manipulating the i n f o r m a t i o n , m a k i n g q u a l i f i e d a s s u m p t i o n s , a n d t h e n p e r f o r m i n g agile feats o f a r i t h m e t i c a l m a g i c . A bird is perched at the top of a tree. A cat sits on the ground below. The angle of depression from the bird to the cat is 58°. The cat is 39.67feet from the base of the tree. How high is the tree? T h e s e p r o b l e m s e i t h e r c a u s e d t h e m i n d t o g o b l a n k o r else filled i t w i t h o t h e r q u e s t i o n s , u n a s k e d , u n a n s w e r a b l e , i r r e l e v a n t b u t n o less c o m p e l l i n g f o r t h a t . A r e e l e p h a n t s really a f r a i d o f m i c e ? H o w h u n g r y is t h e cat? S o m e of these p r o b l e m s were c o n s t r u c t e d a r o u n d everyday situat i o n s t o w h i c h h i g h school s t u d e n t s wete s u p p o s e d t o b e able t o relate. When Melanie is shopping, her heart beats about 100 times per minute and she takes 21 breaths per minute. During a trip to the mall that lasts 130 minutes, how many times will Melanie's heart beat? How many breaths will she take? H o w fast w i l l M e l a n i e ' s h e a r t b e a t w h e n s h e finally f i n d s t h e p e r f e c t s h i r t w h i c h she has b e e n d r e a m i n g o f for t h e p a s t three m o n t h s ? ( A s s u m e t h a t Melanie has e n o u g h m o n e y to buy the shirt. A s s u m e the shirt is blue.) H o w m a n y b r e a t h s will M e l a n i e h o l d while t r y i n g o n the shirt, prayi n g t h a t i t w i l l l o o k a s g o o d o n h e r i n r e a l life a s i t d o e s i n h e r d r e a m s ? T h e s o l u t i o n s t o these p r o b l e m s were always i n the b a c k o f t h e

H O W

DEEP

IS

THE

139

RIVER?

b o o k . B u t n o e x p l a n a t i o n w a s ever g i v e n a s t o h o w t h e a n s w e r s w e r e a r r i v e d at, w h y t h e q u e s t i o n s h a d b e e n a s k e d i n t h e first p l a c e , o r w h a t g o o d the solutions could possibly do you once you h a d them. Julie is walking west down Markham Street. She stops to wave to her friend Karen, who is leaning out the window of her sixth-floor apartment. The vertical distance between Julie and Karen is 92 feet. The angle of elevation from Julie to Karen is 79°. How far is Julie from the apartment building? ( A s s u m e t h a t J u l i e a n d K a r e n are s i x t e e n a n d s e v e n t e e n y e a r s o l d respectively. A s s u m e t h a t K a r e n w i l l n o t fall o u t t h e w i n d o w . A s s u m e t h a t J u l i e i s w e a r i n g h e r favorite red cowboy b o o t s . A s s u m e it is Saturday m o r n i n g . ) W i l l Karen invite J u l i e u p f o r a visit? W i l l J u l i e t h e n tell K a r e n a s e c r e t t o l d t o h e r t h e n i g h t before by their m u t u a l friend, M e l a n i e , a secret w h i c h K a r e n promised

Melanie

she

would

never

ever

tell?

(Assume

t h a t Julie

crossed her heart a n d h o p e d to die. A s s u m e t h a t M e l a n i e was wearing her new blue shirt.) O f these three girls, Julie, Karen, a n d M e l a n i e , w h i c h o n e will get p r e g n a n t a n d d r o p o u t o f school? W h i c h o n e will b e c o m e a veterinarian? W h i c h o n e w i l l e v e n t u a l l y f i n d h e r s e l f o n T r a i n B , 6 2 m i l e s e a s t of the bridge, traveling d u e west at a speed of 74 miles per hour?

T r a i n A i s full o f F r i d a y a f t e r n o o n t r a v e l e r s . T h e y h a v e all left b e h i n d t h e i r m o r e o r less c o m f o r t a b l e h o m e s i n C i t y X a n d are n o w w e l l o n their way to City Y. T h e p o p u l a t i o n of City X is twenty times greater than the population of City Y. S o m e of the residents of City X think it i s t h e c e n t e r o f t h e u n i v e r s e . T h e y are n o l o n g e r c o m p l e t e l y c o n v i n c e d t h a t t h e r e s t o f t h e c o u n t r y still exists. I f i t d o e s , t h e y feel s o r r y f o r t h e p e o p l e w h o have t o live t h e r e . T h e y are c e r t a i n t h a t n o t h i n g s i g n i f i c a n t , i n t e r e s t i n g , o r m e m o r a b l e ever h a p p e n s i n t h e b a c k w a r d b a r r e n s b e y o n d t h e limits o f C i t y X . T h e y have never b e e n t o C i t y Y . T h e y are n o t a m o n g the passengers aboard Train A as it n o w approaches the bridge.

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O t h e r residents of C i t y X are c o n s t a n t l y l o n g i n g to m o v e away b u t they are t i e d t h e r e by their j o b s , their s p o u s e s , their s p o u s e s ' j o b s , o r t h e i r o w n i n e r t i a . C i t y X s u f f e r s f r o m all t h e s o c i a l p r o b l e m s i n d i g e n o u s t o a m e t r o p o l i s o f its s i z e . T h e s e p r o b l e m s a r e n o w c a l l e d issues a n d t h e y a r e r u n n i n g r a m p a n t t h r o u g h t h e s t r e e t s o f C i t y X . B e s i d e s all t h a t , t h e s t r e e t s o f C i t y X are s m e l l y i n t h e A u g u s t h e a t a n d the s m o g hovers, t r a p p e d by a low-lying b a n k of h u m i d i t y currently s t a l l e d o v e r t h e city. I t i s b e c a u s e o f t h e s e a n d o t h e r m o r e p e r s o n a l i s sues t h a t s o m e residents of C i t y X are chronically d i s c o n t e n t . It is from this p o r t i o n of the p o p u l a t i o n that m o s t of the passengers on T r a i n A h a v e c o m e . T h e y are s o g l a d t o b e e s c a p i n g , i f o n l y f o r t h e weekend. W h a t i s t h e r a t i o o f p e o p l e w h o love C i t y X t o t h o s e w h o d o n ' t ? ( A s s u m e t h a t s o m e p e o p l e are a m b i v a l e n t , m o o d y , a n d u n p r e d i c t a b l e , loving t h e city o n e d a y while h a t i n g it t h e next. A s s u m e t h a t s o m e p e o p l e are j u s t n e v e r s a t i s f i e d . ) W h a t p r o p o r t i o n o f t h o s e w h o n o w love C i t y X w i l l e v e n t u a l l y c h a n g e t h e i r m i n d s after o n e o r m o r e o f t h o s e e n d e m i c s o c i a l issues h a s i m p a c t e d d i r e c t l y u p o n t h e i r o w n lives? W h a t proportion

of those

who

now hate

C i t y X will

eventually

m u s t e r e n o u g h g u m p t i o n t o leave? T h e a t m o s p h e r e a b o a r d T r a i n A i s u n d e n i a b l y festive. E a c h o f its six full c a r s fairly h u m s w i t h a n t i c i p a t i o n a n d h i g h h o l i d a y s p i r i t s . Strangers

strike

up

animated

conversations,

share newspapers,

and

p o i n t o u t interesting features o f the passing landscape: cows, b a r n s , d u c k s on a p o n d , o n c e a white-tailed deer b o l t i n g gracefully i n t o the b u s h a t t h e s o u n d o f t h e t r a i n . N o w t h i s i s m o r e like it: n o h i g h - r i s e s , n o t r a f f i c j a m s , n o p o l l u t i o n , n o n e o n , n o i s s u e s . T h e y are t r a v e l i n g t h r o u g h wilderness now, or at least w h a t passes for w i l d e r n e s s in this overly c i v i l i z e d p a r t o f t h e c o u n t r y . O c c a s i o n a l l y t h e i r idyll i s i n t e r r u p t e d by the appearance of the highway, four lanes of b l a c k t o p r u n -

H O W

DEEP

IS

THE

RIVER?

141

n i n g parallel to t h e train tracks. T h e traffic is heavy in b o t h directions, s h i n y c a r s a n d d i r t y t r u c k s s k i m m i n g a l o n g b e s i d e t h e m like l i t t l e w i n d u p t o y s . S o o n e n o u g h t h e h i g h w a y veers away a g a i n a n d d i s a p p e a r s . On t h e o t h e r side of t h e w i l d e r n e s s , C i t y Y awaits. H a r d l y a city a t all i n c o m p a r i s o n t o C i t y X , its d o w n t o w n s t r e e t s are c l e a n a n d safe, f r e q u e n t l y c l o s e d t o t r a f f i c t o a l l o w f o r b u s k e r s ' festivals, s t r e e t d a n c e s , a n d m i s c e l l a n e o u s parades. ( A s s u m e t h a t if C i t y Y suffers f r o m any of t h e social issues w h i c h p l a g u e C i t y X , t h e y are w e l l - h i d d e n a n d s o n e e d n o t c o n c e r n t h e carefree w e e k e n d v i s i t o r . ) C i t y Y r e s t s o n t h e s h o r e s o f a l a r g e l a k e a n d m u c h o f its s u m m e r a c t i v i t y r e v o l v e s a r o u n d t h e w a t e r . T h e r e a r e s a i l i n g r e g a t t a s , f i s h d e r b i e s , a n d free b o a t r i d e s a r o u n d t h e h a r b o r . T h e r e i s e v e n a b e a c h w h e r e t h e w a t e r i s still c l e a n e n o u g h t o s w i m i n . I n t h e w a t e r f r o n t p a r k t h e r e a r e craft fairs, d o g shows, jugglers a n d m i m e s , h o t d o g stands, ice-cream carts, a n d b a n d s p l a y i n g all d a y l o n g , s o m e w i t h b a g p i p e s , s o m e w i t h o u t .

N o n e o f t h e passengers o n T r a i n A are currently t h i n k i n g a b o u t t h e b r i d g e , h o w far t h e y are f r o m it, h o w s o o n t h e y w i l l r e a c h it, o r a b o u t t h e river, h o w t h o s e p o o r y o u n g w o m e n d r o w n e d , h o w t h e c u r r e n t c a u g h t t h e m u p a n d c a r r i e d t h e m away. T h e p a s s e n g e r s o n T r a i n A w i l l s i m p l y c r o s s t h a t b r i d g e w h e n t h e y c o m e t o it. R i g h t n o w t h e p a s s e n g e r s o n T r a i n A are t h i n k i n g a b o u t l u n c h . T h e f o o d s e r v i c e p o r t e r h a s j u s t b e g u n t o m a k e h i s w a y d o w n t h e aisle w i t h his wheeled m e t a l cart. All up a n d d o w n the car the passengers are p u l l i n g o u t t h e i r p l a s t i c t r a y s f r o m w h e r e t h e y h a v e b e e n q u i e t l y n e s t l e d inside t h e p a d d e d a r m s b e t w e e n t h e seats. A l t h o u g h t h e y are all well a w a r e o f t h e fact t h a t t r a i n f o o d i s n o t h i n g t o g e t e x c i t e d a b o u t , still t h e y s m i l e e x p e c t a n t l y a t t h e a p p r o a c h i n g p o r t e r . H e s k i l l fully h a n d s o u t f o o d , d r i n k s , p l a s t i c k n i v e s a n d f o r k s , a n d l i t t l e p a c k e t s o f c o n d i m e n t s f r o m s i d e t o s i d e d o w n t h e s w a y i n g aisle.

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porter

offers

three

S C H O E M P E R L E N

varieties

of

prepackaged

sandwiches:

pressed turkey on b r o w n , h a m a n d cheese on a bagel, a n d egg salad on w h i t e . T h e b e v e r a g e s available i n c l u d e s e v e n v a r i e t i e s o f s o d a p o p , three k i n d s o f juice, three b r a n d s o f beer, four types o f h a r d liquor, a n d t w o k i n d s o f b o t t l e d water. T h o s e w h o have n o t traveled b y train i n s o m e t i m e are s u r p r i s e d to discover that a l t h o u g h these sandwiches used to be "a c o m p l i m e n t a r y l i g h t m e a l , " n o w t h e y m u s t b e p a i d for. W h a t r e m a i n s c o m p l i m e n t a r y are t h e n o n a l c o h o l i c beverages a n d a s m a l l p a c k a g e of either salted peanuts or two chocolate chip cookies. H o w m a n y passengers will n o w settle for a p a c k a g e of p e a n u t s w h e n they w o u l d have h a d h a m a n d c h e e s e o n a b a g e l i f i t w e r e still free? ( A s s u m e t h a t b y t h e t i m e t h e p o r t e r i s t w o - t h i r d s o f t h e way d o w n t h e car h e will have r u n o u t o f h a m a n d c h e e s e a n y w a y . A s s u m e t h a t a free d r y p r e p a c k a g e d sandwich of any type is m u c h m o r e appetizing than o n e t h a t costs $ 3 . 2 5 . A s s u m e t h a t t h e p o r t e r i s p r e t t y well f e d - u p w i t h l i s t e n i n g t o p e o p l e c o m p l a i n a b o u t t h e p r i c e s . ) I f t w e n t y - s e v e n p e o p l e i n t h i s car h a d h a m a n d cheese on a bagel a n d seventeen p e o p l e h a d pressed t u r k e y o n b r o w n , h o w m a n y p e o p l e h a d e g g s a l a d o n w h i t e ? W h y are t h e r e a l w a y s six e g g s a l a d s a n d w i c h e s left over? After t h e basically unsatisfying distraction of lunch, t h e p o r t e r c o m e s a r o u n d again a n d collects the garbage in a big black plastic bag. T h e passengers d r o p their trays back i n t o their h i d i n g places. S o m e p e o p l e o r d e r a n o t h e r beer. T h e r e i s c o n g e s t i o n a t t h e very b a c k o f t h e car as p e o p l e line up for t h e b a t h r o o m s . T h e y s t a n d in t h e tiny v e s t i b u l e a n d l o o k t h r o u g h t h e glass d o o r a t t h e t r a c k s u n r o l l i n g h y p notically beneath t h e m . S o m e of those people staring at the tracks with t h e i r b l a d d e r s full e x p e r i e n c e a d i s t i n c t u r g e t o j u m p . ( A s s u m e t h a t e v e r y o n e successfully s u p p r e s s e s t h i s i m p u l s e . ) W h a t are t h e o d d s t h a t , o n c e a n y g i v e n p a s s e n g e r i s finally i n s i d e t h e b a t h r o o m a n d c o m f o r t -

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a b l y i n s t a l l e d u p o n t h e p l a s t i c t o i l e t seat, T r a i n A w i l l t h e n e n c o u n t e r a particularly b u m p y stretch of track or a s h a r p curve to the right? O n c e t h e passengers have settled themselves in their seats again, they can get back to

contemplating the weekend ahead of them.

W h i l e visiting C i t y Y, t h e passengers of T r a i n A will do m a n y differe n t things. S o m e o f t h e m will enjoy s h o p p i n g for s o u v e n i r T - s h i r t s , key c h a i n s , a n d c o f f e e m u g s . O t h e r s w i l l s p e n d all d a y i n t h e p a r k e a t i n g j u n k f o o d , w h i l e still o t h e r s w i l l g o s a i l i n g , w a t e r s k i i n g , f i s h i n g , o r s w i m m i n g . T h e y w i l l all e n j o y t h e m s e l v e s i m m e n s e l y .

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( A s s u m e t h a t n o o n e f r o m C i t y X will b e m u g g e d , r a p e d , s t a b b e d , h i t b y a car, b i t t e n b y a d o g , o r s p i t o n b y a p a n h a n d l e r w h i l e v i s i t i n g City Y . A s s u m e t h a t n o o n e will b e struck d o w n b y f o o d p o i s o n i n g , a p p e n d i c i t i s , a h e a r t a t t a c k , a c e r e b r a l a n e u r y s m , or a severe a l l e r g i c r e a c t i o n t o s e a f o o d . A s s u m e t h a t n o o n e w i l l c h o k e t o d e a t h o n a fish b o n e . A s s u m e t h a t n o o n e will d r o w n , n o t i n t h e lake, t h e b a t h t u b , o r a p u d d l e of tears.)

T r a i n B i s j u s t a s full o f festive w e e k e n d t r a v e l e r s a s T r a i n A . T h e p a s s e n g e r s o n T r a i n B are j u s t a s h a p p y t o b e g o i n g t o C i t y X a s t h e p a s s e n g e r s o n T r a i n A a r e t o b e l e a v i n g it. ( A s s u m e t h a t t h i s a p p a r e n t p a r a d o x i s a m a n i f e s t a t i o n o f t h e n o t i o n t h a t t h e g r a s s i s always greener o n the o t h e r side. A s s u m e t h a t the s h o r t a g e o f grass i n m a n y areas o f C i t y X i s n o t p r o h i b i t i v e t o t h e exercise o f t h i s n o t i o n . ) A l t h o u g h m o s t of t h o s e a b o a r d T r a i n B genuinely enjoy living in C i t y Y, still s o m e t i m e s t h e y g e t r e s t l e s s . C i t y Y i s s o q u i e t , s o safe, s o b o r i n g , s o parochial. S o m e o f its r e s i d e n t s l o n g f o r t h e b u s t l e o f t h e b i g city, t h e p u l s e , t h e v i g o r , t h e c u l t u r e , t h e grit. W h i l e v i s i t i n g C i t y X , t h e y feel alive a g a i n . O t h e r residents o f C i t y Y are n o t t h e least b i t i m p r e s s e d b y C i t y X . T h e s e p e o p l e a r e u t t e r l y c o n v i n c e d t h a t s h o u l d t h e y ever v e n t u r e into

its

congested malodorous

streets,

some

ferocious

urban

evil

w o u l d i m m e d i a t e l y befall t h e m a n d t h e y m i g h t o r m i g h t n o t b e lucky e n o u g h t o e s c a p e w i t h t h e i r lives. W h a t p r o p o r t i o n o f t h e s e p e o p l e are r i g h t ? T h e passengers o n T r a i n B have just b e e n served exactly t h e s a m e lunch as the passengers on Train A. T h e i r p o r t e r has been a r o u n d to c o l l e c t t h e g a r b a g e a n d h a s s c o l d e d several p e o p l e for c h a n g i n g s e a t s w h e n h e wasn't l o o k i n g . N o w t h e passengers are settling themselves i n

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IS

THE

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f o r t h e r e s t o f t h e r i d e . T h e y are w i g g l i n g i n t o m o r e c o m f o r t a b l e p o s i tions, dozing, or pulling out newspapers, crossword puzzle books, and fat p a p e r b a c k n o v e l s b y S t e p h e n K i n g a n d D a n i e l l e S t e e l . M a n y s t a r e v a c a n t l y o u t t h e w i n d o w s , s e a r c h i n g still i n v a i n f o r i n c i p i e n t s i g n s o f c i v i l i z a t i o n . N o t h i n g yet: j u s t f i e l d s a n d t r e e s , c o w s a n d b i r d s , a c l o u d less A u g u s t sky. T h e y s i g h i m p a t i e n t l y a n d r e s u m e m a k i n g p l a n s f o r the weekend ahead. D e p e n d i n g o n their particular predilections, they will p a r t a k e liberally o f t h e m a n y a m e n i t i e s w h i c h C i t y X h a s t o offer. S o m e o f t h e m will s h o p in malls as big as a i r p o r t s u n t i l t h e y are e x h a u s t e d a n d b r o k e . C o n f r o n t e d w i t h such a vast array o f m e r c h a n d i s e , s o m e o f t h e m w i l l b e c o m e o v e r s t i m u l a t e d . T h e i r h e a r t s w i l l b e a t t o o fast a n d t h e y

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w i l l h y p e r v e n t i l a t e w h i l e r u n n i n g all t h e i r c r e d i t c a r d s u p t o t h e l i m i t . O t h e r s , paralyzed by indecision, will walk away e m p t y - h a n d e d , sulky a n d t e a r f u l i n a fit o f f r u s t r a t e d c o n s u m e r i s m . S o m e p e o p l e w i l l s p e n d all d a y l o n g i n m u s e u m s a n d a r t galleries s o a k i n g u p c u l t u r e like s p o n g e s . I n t h e e v e n i n g t h e y w i l l d i n e i n e x p e n sive r e s t a u r a n t s a n d t h e n g o t o t h e t h e a t e r , t h e o p e r a , t h e b a l l e t , o r a p o e t r y r e a d i n g . H o w m a n y o f t h e s e p e o p l e d o n ' t really l i k e p o e t r y ? H o w m a n y of t h e m w o u l d r a t h e r be at a baseball game, a strip club, or an X - r a t e d movie? Families w i t h y o u n g c h i l d r e n will g o t o t h e z o o , a n a m u s e m e n t park, an a f t e r n o o n s h o w featuring six-foot-tall cat p u p p e t s a n d a m a n dressed as an e l e p h a n t playing the violin. H o w m a n y of these children will p e e their p a n t s o r t h r o w u p while w a i t i n g i n line t o have their faces p a i n t e d ?

T h e p a s s e n g e r s a b o a r d b o t h T r a i n s A a n d B c o m e f r o m all a c r o s s t h e d e m o g r a p h i c s p e c t r u m . T h i s , after all, i s o n e o f t h e b e a u t i e s o f travel. W h i l e i n t r a n s i t , p e o p l e are h e l d i n t e m p o r a r y s u s p e n s i o n , free f o r t h e m o m e n t f r o m all t h e o b l i g a t i o n s a n d i n h i b i t i o n s n o r m a l l y i m p o s e d u p o n t h e m b y class, r a c e , r e l i g i o n , g e n d e r , a n d b y all t h e d o u b t s t h e y m a y usually h a r b o r a b o u t t h e rest o f h u m a n i t y . W h i l e i n transit, p e o ple often find themselves telling total strangers things they have n o t t o l d their best friends. O n T r a i n A , for instance, a n elderly w o m a n w i t h blue hair f i n d s herself sitting beside a teenager with green spiked hair and three rings i n her n o s e . T h e y are discussing t h e i r favorite b r a n d s o f h a i r dye a n d h o w h a r d it is to find a hairdresser y o u can really t r u s t . ( A s s u m e that, a l t h o u g h t h e teenager m a y eventually dye h e r hair blue, t h e elderly w o m a n i s n o t ever g o i n g t o d y e h e r s g r e e n . A s s u m e also t h a t t h e e l d e r l y w o m a n will never have her n o s e , h e r t o n g u e , o r h e r n i p p l e s pierced.)

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A c r o s s t h e aisle, a b o r n - a g a i n C h r i s t i a n w i t h a B i b l e i n h e r p u r s e i s a s s u r i n g a n u n h a p p y - l o o k i n g y o u n g m a n w i t h severe a c n e a n d b a d t e e t h t h a t i f o n l y h e w i l l give h i m s e l f over t o t h e L o r d , all h i s p r o b lems will b e solved. H o w m a n y years will pass before this y o u n g man's a c n e clears u p , s u d d e n l y , m i r a c u l o u s l y , w i t h o u t l e a v i n g a s i n g l e scar? H o w m a n y years w i l l p a s s b e f o r e h e w i n s t h e l o t t e r y a n d u s e s s o m e o f t h e m o n e y t o g e t h i s t e e t h fixed a n d t h e n gives t h e r e s t a n o n y m o u s l y to the Divine Temple of Supreme Virtue? (Assume that G o d works in m y s t e r i o u s ways.) Similarly, on T r a i n B, a g r a y - h a i r e d m a n in a three-piece suit is list e n i n g avidly to an attractive b u x o m w o m a n w i t h a h u s k y voice d e scribing in great detail her now-estranged husband's reaction to her b e l a t e d r e v e l a t i o n t h a t s h e h a d b e g u n h e r life a s a m a n . ( A s s u m e t h a t after y e a r s o f i n t e n s i v e t h e r a p y , t h e h u s b a n d w i l l g e t o v e r it. A s s u m e t h a t t h e g r a y - h a i r e d m a n i n t h e suit will n o t . A s s u m e t h a t h e will have e r o t i c d r e a m s a b o u t t h i s w o m a n f o r t h e r e s t o f h i s n a t u r a l life.) A c r o s s t h e aisle a n d t h r e e r o w s d o w n , a p a l e w o m a n i n a g r e e n dress is p r e t e n d i n g to sleep in an a t t e m p t to avoid any further conversation w i t h the w o m a n in the m a u v e blouse beside her. Let the w o m a n in the green dress be W o m a n A. L e t the w o m a n in the mauve blouse be W o m a n B. Ever since they b o t h b o a r d e d T r a i n B at the station in City Y, W o m a n B has been talking. S h e is ten years older t h a n W o m a n A w h o i s t h e s a m e age n o w a s W o m a n B w a s w h e n h e r y o u n g e s t c h i l d w a s b o r n . W o m a n A i s five years o l d e r n o w t h a n W o m a n B w a s w h e n she got married. H o w old is W o m a n A? H o w long has W o m a n B been married? W h y is W o m a n A so unfriendly? ( A s s u m e that the oldest c h i l d o f W o m a n B i s t h e s a m e age n o w a s W o m a n A w a s w h e n s h e l o s t h e r v i r g i n i t y . A s s u m e t h a t W o m a n A w a s v e r y m u c h i n love w i t h t h e b o y w h o deflowered her. A s s u m e they g o t m a r r i e d four years later. Assume that this h u s b a n d of W o m a n A does n o t k n o w that she is

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n o w a b o a r d T r a i n B on her way to City X. A s s u m e that he t h i n k s she h a s g o n e s h o p p i n g a t t h e m a l l a n d will b e h o m e i n t i m e t o m a k e h i s s u p p e r . A s s u m e t h a t u n t i l n o w W o m a n A h a s always d o n e w h a t w a s expected of her.) W h i l e T r a i n B h a s b e e n s t e a d i l y a p p r o a c h i n g t h e b r i d g e , t h e river, a n d C i t y X , W o m a n B h a s t o l d W o m a n A all a b o u t t h e s h a g c a r p e t i n g she has just h a d installed in h e t living r o o m , t h e m a n y interesting ways she has found to use cream of m u s h r o o m soup, and the colors she int e n d s t o r e p a i n t t h e b e d r o o m s i n t h e fall. S h e h a s g o n e o n a t g r e a t l e n g t h a b o u t h e r h u s b a n d ' s m i d l i f e crisis t w o y e a r s a g o d u r i n g w h i c h h e h a d a n affair w i t h h i s s e c r e t a r y — l e t t h e s e c r e t a r y b e W o m a n C — a n d she, W o m a n B, p r e t e n d e d she never k n e w a t h i n g a b o u t it until finally her h u s b a n d got it o u t of his system a n d fired W o m a n C a n d now

their marriage

is

Bermuda at Christmas.

stronger than

ever a n d

they

are g o i n g

to

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THE

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RIVER?

N o w W o m a n A i s w i s h i n g s h e h a d t h e n e r v e t o tell W o m a n B t o s h u t u p . S h e c a n feel t h e d e t a i l s o f W o m a n B's life b u b b l i n g i n t o h e r e a r s , filling u p h e r n o s e , h e r m o u t h , h e r t h r o a t , h e r l u n g s . S h e i s a f r a i d t h a t if she listens to W o m a n B l o n g e n o u g h , she will either scream or b e s w e p t a w a y b y t h e t o r r e n t a n d t u r n i n t o her. W h a t are t h e o d d s t h a t she is right? ( A s s u m e t h a t W o m a n B represents everything W o m a n A is r u n n i n g away from. A s s u m e that W o m a n C has her own problems.)

W o m a n A, the o n e in the green dress, is Karen, w h o once waved to her friend Julie f r o m her sixth-floor a p a r t m e n t o n M a r k h a m Street i n C i t y Y . ( A s s u m e t h a t years h a v e p a s s e d s i n c e t h e n . A s s u m e i t w a s M e l a n i e w h o got pregnant a n d d r o p p e d n o t only o u t of school but o u t of sight a s well. A s s u m e t h e s e c r e t M e l a n i e t o l d Julie, w h o t h e n t o l d i t t o K a r e n , w a s t h a t s h e h a d finally g o n e all t h e w a y w i t h h e r b o y f r i e n d , J o e . A s s u m e t h i s s t o r y p l a y e d i t s e l f o u t i n a p r e d i c t a b l e way: M e l a n i e pregnant, Joe gone,

Melanie's

parents

horrified but

anti-abortion,

M e l a n i e s e n t a w a y t o a h o m e for u n w e d m o t h e r s , i n t e n d i n g t o give t h e baby up

for a d o p t i o n b u t c h a n g i n g her m i n d a t the

last m i n u t e ,

M e l a n i e ' s p a r e n t s d i s o w n i n g her, M e l a n i e a n d h e r b a b y n e v e r h e a r d f r o m by K a r e n or Julie again. A s s u m e t h a t Julie f i n i s h e d h i g h s c h o o l w i t h g o o d g r a d e s , w e n t o n t o u n i v e r s i t y , m o v e d far a w a y f r o m C i t y Y , a n d b e c a m e a v e t e r i n a r i a n . A s s u m e t h a t J u l i e always l o v e d a n i m a l s . ) N o w K a r e n a b o a r d T r a i n B e n r o u t e t o C i t y X feigns s l e e p u n t i l h e r g a r r u l o u s s e a t - m a t e n o d s o f f herself, s n o r i n g l i g h t l y w i t h h e r m o u t h ajar. K a r e n o p e n s h e r eyes a n d l o o k s o u t t h e w i n d o w . T h e s k y i s b e g i n n i n g t o c l o u d over. T h e y a r e still i n t h e m i d d l e o f n o w h e r e . I f n o w h e r e has a m i d d l e , does it also have a b e g i n n i n g a n d an end? W h a t formula m u s t be used to measure the dimensions of nowhere? W h a t o t h e r properties of nowhere can be accurately ascertained? Is nowhere

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v e g e t a b l e , a n i m a l , or m i n e r a l , a s o l i d , a l i q u i d , or a gas? ( A s s u m e t h a t n o w h e r e i s p r o b a b l y m o s t like w a t e r : a s h a p e - s h i f t i n g l i q u i d w h i c h c a n a l s o d i s g u i s e i t s e l f a s a s o l i d o r a gas. A s s u m e t h a t n o m a t t e r i n w h i c h f o r m i t i s e n c o u n t e r e d , n o w h e r e , like w a t e r , c a n b e fatal. A s s u m e i t i s K a r e n ' s p e n c h a n t for t h e c o n t e m p l a t i o n o f t h i s a n d o t h e r metaphysical q u e s t i o n s which has led, at least in p a r t , to her g r o w i n g d i s s a t i s f a c t i o n w i t h h e r q u i e t n o r m a l life i n C i t y Y a n d , s u b sequently, to her purchase of a one-way train ticket to City X. A s s u m e

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IS

THE

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that her recent realization that her h u s b a n d is a stupid, boring, insensitive m a n w h o i s a s selfish i n b e d a s a n y w h e r e else i s a l s o a c o n t r i b u t i n g factor to her defection.) K a r e n s i t s p e r f e c t l y still a n d l e t s T r a i n B c a r r y h e r f o r w a r d . S h e l e t s all p o s s i b i l i t y , all p r o m i s e , all f r e e d o m a n d t h e f u t u r e w a s h g e n t l y o v e r h e r . E v e r s i n c e t h o s e h i g h s c h o o l d a y s w h e n s h e lived w i t h h e r p a r e n t s on M a r k h a m Street in C i t y Y, K a r e n has b e e n waiting for h e r r e a l life t o b e g i n . N o w s h e i m a g i n e s t h a t i n C i t y X s h e w i l l f i n d a w h o l e n e w life a n d live it, h a p p i l y ever after. S h e t h i n k s s h e w i l l n e v e r b e b o r e d , l o s t , o r l o n e l y a g a i n . S h e t h i n k s s h e i s g o i n g t o finally f i n d herself in City X. ( A s s u m e t h a t o n c e T r a i n B crosses t h e bridge, K a r e n will i m a g i n e i t a n d all o t h e r b r i d g e s like i t b u r s t i n g i n t o j u b i l a n t f l a m e s b e h i n d h e r . A s s u m e t h a t Karen will never l o o k back.)

I n fact, i t i s T r a i n A t h a t r e a c h e s t h e b r i d g e f i r s t . O n t h e r i g h t b a n k o f t h e river t h e r e a r e f o u r s m a l l b o y s w i t h f i s h i n g r o d s . C o n s i d e r i n g t h e h e a t , t h e s e a s o n , a n d t h e t i m e o f d a y , h o w m a n y f i s h a r e t h e y likely t o c a t c h ? ( A s s u m e t h a t n o t o n e o f t h e s e b o y s h a s ever h e a r d a b o u t t h e t h r e e y o u n g w o m e n w h o d r o w n e d i n t h i s river t w o y e a r s a g o i n t h e s p r i n g . A s s u m e t h a t , a s far a s t h e s e s m a l l b o y s a r e c o n c e r n e d , t h e r e i s n o t h i n g b e n e a t h t h e s u r f a c e o f t h e w a t e r b u t m a n y elusive, t a n t a l i z i n g f i s h a n d several o l d t r a c t o r tires illegally d u m p e d t h e r e b y t h e o w n e r o f a nearby farm. A s s u m e t h a t w h e n t h e boys' fishing lines get snagged, it is on o n e of these tires, on a rock or a branch, n o t on a l o n g - d e a d b o d y still w a i t i n g t o b e r a i s e d f r o m t h e d e p t h s . ) M a n y o f t h e p e o p l e a b o a r d T r a i n A a d m i r e t h e river, t h e b o y s , t h e q u a i n t a n d nostalgic p i c t u r e t h e y m a k e . T h e b o y s o n t h e b a n k wave a t the train. T h e passengers smile a n d t h i n k beatific watery t h o u g h t s . T h e y t h i n k o f f l o a t i n g o n t h e i r b a c k s w i t h t h e i r eyes c l o s e d f o r h o u r s ,

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o f w a r m waves l a p p i n g s a n d y b e a c h e s , b l u e l a k e s still a n d c l e a r a s w i n d o w s , a q u a r i u m s filled w i t h g r a c e f u l m u l t i c o l o r e d t r o p i c a l fish. T h e y t h i n k of b r o o k s b a b b l i n g , a raging thirst q u e n c h e d , m e r m a i d s , sailb o a t s , t h e sea. I t i s o n l y t h e b o r n - a g a i n C h r i s t i a n w i t h t h e Bible i n h e r p u r s e w h o t h i n k s a b o u t the d r o w n i n g s . S h e crosses herself a n d t h i n k s o f the four rivers o f p a r a d i s e , t h e f o u r rivers o f h e l l , t h e p u r i f y i n g s a c r a m e n t o f baptism, and of h o w in the olden days those accused of witchcraft were i m m e r s e d in water a n d if they floated they were d e e m e d guilty b u t i f t h e y s a n k t h e y w e r e d e c l a r e d i n n o c e n t a n d saved. S h e i m a g i n e s t h e souls o f t h e i n n o c e n t flying u p t o t h e waiting a r m s o f t h e L o r d . ( A s s u m e t h a t s o m e d a y t h i s w o m a n will b e o n e o f t h e m . A s s u m e t h a t even n o w s h e c a n feel h e r w i n g s b e g i n n i n g t o g r o w . )

After T r a i n A has crossed the bridge, it passes T r a i n B w h i c h has s t o p p e d b r i e f l y t o a l l o w T r a i n A t o safely p r o c e e d . T h e n T r a i n B c o n t i n u e s o n t o t h e b r i d g e . T h e b o y s o n t h e r i v e r b a n k a r e still f i s h i n g . A g a i n t h e y l o o k u p a n d wave a t t h e t r a i n . W h a t are t h e o d d s t h a t a n y o f t h e p a s s e n g e r s o n T r a i n B are h a v i n g e x a c t l y t h e s a m e w a t e r y thoughts while crossing the bridge as did the passengers on Train A just m i n u t e s before? ( A s s u m e t h e o b s e r v a t i o n t h a t y o u can never s t e p i n t o t h e s a m e river t w i c e i s still t r u e . ) W h a t p e r c e n t a g e o f t h e p a s s e n gers on T r a i n B find themselves t h i n k i n g a b o u t sharks, sewage, tidal waves, f l o o d s , w a t e r o n t h e b r a i n , w a t e r o n t h e k n e e , t o o m u c h w a t e r u n d e r the bridge? W o m a n B, the garrulous seat-mate of Karen, W o m a n A, has been awakened by the s t o p p i n g a n d starting of the train. T h e m i n u t e her eyes are o p e n , s h e s t a r t s t a l k i n g again. W h y i s i t n o t s u r p r i s i n g t h a t W o m a n B k n o w s all a b o u t t h e t h r e e y o u n g w o m e n w h o d r o w n e d ? Karen does n o t want to think about them. Karen wants to think about

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h o w , w h e n f l o a t i n g i n still w a t e r o f j u s t t h e r i g h t t e m p e r a t u r e , y o u c a n n o t feel y o u r b o d y a n y m o r e . W o m a n B k e e p s t a l k i n g , a p p a r e n t l y a n g r y a t t h e t h r e e y o u n g v i c t i m s for h a v i n g b e e n s o careless, s o f o o l i s h , s o selfish a s t o g o o u t a n d d r o w n t h e m s e l v e s like t h a t . W h a t w e r e t h e y d o i n g o u t i n t h a t l i t t l e b o a t a n y w a y w h e n t h e river w a s o b v i o u s l y d a n g e r o u s , w h a t w i t h t h e spring runoff, heavy rains t h e week before, w a r n i n g s i g n s p o s t e d all o v e r t h e p l a c e ? W h y w e r e n ' t t h e y w e a r i n g life j a c k e t s a t least? W h a t , s h e w a n t s t o k n o w , w h a t o n e a r t h w e r e t h e y t h i n k i n g o f ? ( A s s u m e they were n o t t h i n k i n g o f d e a t h . A s s u m e they were t h i n k i n g o f f i s h , s u n , sex, s h o p p i n g , s c h o o l , t h e c a s e o f b e e r i n t h e b o t t o m of the boat. A s s u m e they were n o t t h i n k i n g of water as a s y m b o l o f b o t h f e r t i l i t y a n d o b l i v i o n , o f w a t e r a s b o t h t h e s o u r c e o f all life a n d t h e e n d o f it, o r o f t h e river a s t h e p o i n t o f t r a n s i t i o n f r o m o n e life t o t h e n e x t . A s s u m e t h a t t h e y , like K a r e n , w e r e t h i n k i n g t h e y still h a d t h e i r w h o l e lives a h e a d o f t h e m . ) A small boat floats upside down in the middle of a wide deep river which is spanned by a concrete railway bridge. ( A s s u m e t h a t s o m e o n e h a s s p r a y p a i n t e d a c r u d e d r a w i n g of a n a k e d w o m a n on the side of the bridge. A s s u m e t h e d r a w i n g i s visible o n l y f r o m t h e river, n o t f r o m a n y t r a i n c r o s s i n g o v e r on t h e b r i d g e . ) H o w high is the bridge? The boat is wooden, white. ( A s s u m e t h a t on b o t h s i d e s of t h e b o w are the words

JESUS SAVES

p a i n t e d in r e d b l o c k l e t t e r s . ) How big is the boat?

On the left bank of the river, Body A is caught in the roots of a tree 33.75 feet from the boat. ( A s s u m e t h i s t r e e in t h e m i d d l e of n o w h e r e is a w e e p i n g willow. A s s u m e t h a t B o d y A will be f o u n d first, b o b b i n g f a c e d o w n in t h e r e e d s . ) H o w old is the tree? On the bottom of the river lies Body B. The angle of depression from the boat to this body is 53°. ( A s s u m e t h a t s o o n e n o u g h t h e river will s p i t o u t B o d y B w h i c h will t h e n be c a r t e d a w a y in a large b l a c k b a g . ) H o w many men will it take to lift the bag?

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Body C is nowhere in sight. ( A s s u m e t h a t by t h e t i m e s h e is f o u n d , h e r h a i r w i l l h a v e t u r n e d i n t o s e a w e e d , h e r eye s o c k e t s w i l l b e f i l l e d w i t h s h e l l s , a n d h e r feet w i l l h a v e s p r o u t e d s i l v e r - g r e e n f i n s . A s s u m e t h a t b y t h e t i m e s h e i s f o u n d , t h e r e w i l l b e n o o n e left t o i d e n t i f y h e r . ) How many miles downstream has Body C traveled? The surface of the river sparkles in the sun. ( A s s u m e it is d i s t u r b e d o n l y by fish j u m p i n g , ducks diving, the gentle s h u d d e r of the w i n d . ) How deep is the river?

I.

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T h e y have t h e i r o b v i o u s a t t r a c t i o n s , t h e b o d i e s o f m e n . Begin w i t h t h e neck. T h e best neck is o n e slim e n o u g h t h a t it does n o t b r i n g t h e w o r d bull i m m e d i a t e l y t o m i n d . I t s h o u l d a l s o b e l o n g e n o u g h to avoid creating the impression that the head is attached dir e c t l y t o t h e b o d y . M e n w i t h n o n e c k s are m o s t f r e q u e n t l y f o u n d i n football or hockey uniforms. It is hard to imagine t h e m in regular c l o t h e s w i t h c o l l a r s a n d ties. In a g o o d neck the Adam's apple is evident but not pointy. It does n o t d r a w a t t e n t i o n t o i t s e l f b y p r o t r u d i n g t o o far o r h o b b l i n g a r o u n d t o o m u c h . It should n o t be scarred from frequent shaving mishaps. T h e large v e i n s i n t h e s i d e s o f t h e n e c k a r e visible b u t s h o u l d n o t bulge except u n d e r c o n d i t i o n s o f extreme stress. S o m e t i m e s y o u can see t h e b l o o d p u l s i n g i n t h e s e v e i n s . T h i s s h o u l d fill y o u w i t h t e n d e r ness, n o t nausea, repulsion, o r m u r d e r o u s intent. Bear i n m i n d t h a t o n e of these veins is the jugular. B e l o w t h e n e c k are t h e s h o u l d e r s w h i c h are e s s e n t i a l f o r l i f t i n g h e a v y t h i n g s like p i a n o s , r e f r i g e r a t o r s , a n d t h e w e i g h t o f t h e w o r l d . T h e upper b o d y strength of a m a n is three times greater than that of a w o m a n . T h e s e b r o a d a n d sensible s h o u l d e r s are a place c u s t o m m a d e for r e s t i n g y o u r h e a d o n w h e n s l e e p i n g , c r y i n g , o r d a n c i n g slow. T h e r e i s n o t h i n g q u i t e like a g o o d set o f s t r o n g s h o u l d e r s t o m a k e y o u feel d e l i c a t e , c o d d l e d , a n d safe. A l s o g o o d f o r c r y i n g o n i s t h e c h e s t . M a n y m a l e c h e s t s h a v e a little recession in t h e m i d d l e where, if you cry l o n g e n o u g h , y o u r tears will collect in a salty p o o l . T h e chest s h o u l d have well-developed p e c torals of such definition and muscularity that they cannot be mistaken f o r b r e a s t s . S o m e m e n c a n flex t h e i r p e c t o r a l m u s c l e s i n d i v i d u a l l y , m a k i n g t h e m j u m p u p a n d d o w n like p u p p i e s . T h i s i s d i s c o n c e r t i n g , a s a r e m a l e b r e a s t s w h i c h are m o r e s h a p e l y t h a n y o u r o w n . A l t h o u g h men's n i p p l e s have n o k n o w n f u n c t i o n , t h e y are a t t r a c -

ON

L O O K I N G

F U R T H E R

INTO

THE

BODIES

OF

M E N

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tive i n t h e i r o w n way. A c h e s t w i t h o u t n i p p l e s w o u l d b e like a face w i t h o u t eyes. T h e issue of chest hair is a m a t t e r of p e r s o n a l preference. U s u a l l y a c h e s t w h i c h falls b e t w e e n t h e t w o e x t r e m e s i s t h e b e s t c h o i c e . A c o m pletely hairless chest is t o o slippery a n d m a y p r o d u c e e m b a r r a s s i n g s u c k i n g s o u n d s w h e n y o u p r e s s y o u r o w n s w e a t y c h e s t a g a i n s t it. O n t h e o t h e r h a n d , a t h i c k m a t o f b l a c k fur i s n o t p l e a s a n t i n t h e s u m m e r . M e n w h o s e c h e s t h a i r s t i c k s o u t f r o m t h e t o p s o f t h e i r s h i r t s are likely to be inordinately f o n d of gold medallions, polyester, a n d p i n k y rings. H o u s e d within the chest is of course the heart. Do n o t assume that a m a n ' s h e a r t i s e s s e n t i a l l y t h e s a m e a s a w o m a n ' s . T h e r e are m a n y t h e o r i e s a s t o t h e b e s t w a y t o a m a n ' s h e a r t . F e e l free t o t r y a n y o r all o f t h e m but be forewarned that, in truth, this journey remains as m u c h of a m y s t e r y a s w h a t y o u are likely t o f i n d w h e n y o u g e t t h e r e . S o m e m e n have s t o n e s w h e r e their h e a r t s s h o u l d be. O t h e r s have holes. O f t h e 2 0 6 b o n e s i n t h e m a l e body, t w e n t y - f o u r are t h e ribs, t w e l v e o n e a c h s i d e . Y o u s h o u l d n o t b e a b l e t o verify t h i s f r o m t h e outside. O n e o u t of twenty p e o p l e has an extra rib a n d this p e r s o n is m o s t o f t e n a m a n . B e careful a b o u t a t t a c h i n g t o o m u c h s y m b o l i c s i g n i f i c a n c e t o t h i s fact. T h e stomach is better w i t h o u t hair and, although it need n o t look like a w a s h b o a r d exactly, i t s h o u l d n o t h a n g o v e r t h e b e l t e i t h e r . I f y o u p r e s s y o u r ear t o t h e s t o m a c h , y o u m a y h e a r s w i s h i n g a n d g u r g l i n g s o u n d s like t h e t i d e c o m i n g i n t o a n u n d e r w a t e r cave. T h i s c o u l d b e because the male b o d y contains m o r e water t h a n the female body. O r m a y b e he's d e v e l o p i n g a n u l c e r , t o w h i c h m e n are m o r e p r o n e t h a n women. Below t h e s t o m a c h is t h e navel w h i c h s h o u l d be tidy a n d clean at all t i m e s . Y o u s h o u l d b e a b l e t o s t i c k y o u r f i n g e r o r y o u r t o n g u e i n t o i t w i t h o u t flinching or gagging.

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T h e h i p b o n e s s h o u l d b e s t u r d y b u t n o t s o p r o m i n e n t a s t o leave bruises. H i s b o n e s can w i t h s t a n d stress o f 2 4 , 0 0 0 p o u n d s p e r square inch b u t yours m a y n o t . T h e m a l e pelvis i s n a r r o w e r t h a n t h e female pelvis a n d m o r e h e a r t - s h a p e d . Forensic scientists have f o u n d t h e s h a p e o f t h e p e l v i s t o b e t h e b e s t i n d i c a t o r o f t h e sex o f a n u n i d e n t i f i e d skeleton. T h e n t h e r e are t h e genitals. T h i s i s t h e area w h e r e m o s t o f the c o m m o t i o n is traditionally concentrated. T h e average l e n g t h o f a n e r e c t p e n i s i s six i n c h e s . N o m a n likes t o b e t h o u g h t o f a s average. I t i s b e t t e r n o t t o m e n t i o n t h a t t h e p e n i s o f t h e A f r i c a n e l e p h a n t w e i g h s s i x t y p o u n d s a n d m e a s u r e s six feet i n l e n g t h w h e n erect. A p p a r e n t l y it is n o t t h e size t h a t c o u n t s anyway. M a r v e l instead at t h e seemingly poreless skin of t h e penis, a n d also t h e color, w h i c h is d a r k e r t h a n t h e r e s t o f h i s flesh, s o m e t i m e s w i t h a p u r p l i s h c a s t . F e e l c h e e r e d b y t h e w a y t h e p e n i s b u r s t s free w i t h s u c h s p r i n g y e n t h u s i a s m f r o m its cage o f c l o t h i n g , a s i f i t w i l l n e v e r ever g e t t i r e d o f y o u . A p e n i s t h a t b o w s s l i g h t l y t o t h e r i g h t o r t h e left i s e n d e a r i n g . O n e t h a t seems to n o d a n d w i n k at y o u while d r o o l i n g a single p o l i t e d r o p o f s e m e n i s e n c h a n t i n g . M a n y m e n have p e t n a m e s for t h e i r p e n i s e s . I t i s b e s t t o t o l e r a t e t h i s silliness w i t h e q u a n i m i t y . D o n o t tell t h e n a m e to your friends. Nestled behind the penis is the scrotum. Brown, wrinkled, and p r i c k l e d w i t h sparse hair, it is t h e sensitive p o u c h inside w h i c h t h e t e s ticles l u r k . D o n o t b e a l a r m e d b y t h e w a y t h e t e s t i c l e s f l o a t a r o u n d i n s i d e t h e s c r o t u m like h a r d - b o i l e d e g g s . I t i s w i t h i n t h e t e s t i c l e s t h a t t h e s p e r m are p r o d u c e d . R e m e m b e r t h a t , w h i l e all 4 0 0 o f a w o m a n ' s e g g s are p r e s e n t in h e r ovaries at b i r t h , a healthy m a n will p r o d u c e 4 0 0 bill i o n n e w s p e r m d u r i n g h i s a d u l t life. I t i s h a r d n o t t o a d m i r e s u c h i n dustry.

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II. M u c h as the male torso is tantalizing (evoking, as it does, the image of a treasure chest c r a m m e d with mysterious organs, intricate d u c t w o r k , a n d powerful p l u m b i n g ) , t h e a p p e n d a g e s w h i c h issue f r o m it are est i m a b l e i n t h e i r o w n r i g h t . T h e y give t h e m a l e b o d y m o r e r a n g e . Y o u m a y f i n d i t i s t h e a r m s t h a t y o u m o s t o f t e n l o n g for. T h e a r m s w i t h t h e i r h a r d hairless b i c e p s : t h r o w i n g a ball, lifting a cup, picking up the telephone, shaking the wrinkles o u t of a sheet. T h e a r m s w i t h t h e i r f i r m flexed t r i c e p s : r e a c h i n g o u t t o y o u , w r a p p i n g a r o u n d you, h o l d i n g y o u tight. Pay close a t t e n t i o n t o t h e wrists: b l u e veined, s m a l l - b o n e d , resting on a table, vulnerable, sensitive, a n d o p e n to interpretation. W h e t h e r t h e f i n g e r s o f t h e h a n d s are l o n g , s h o r t , s l e n d e r , o r s t u b b y , t h e y s h o u l d b e g e n t l e b u t s t r o n g . I d e a l l y , a m a n s h o u l d h a v e all o f h i s f i n g e r s still a t t a c h e d . H o w e v e r , a m a n w h o i s m i s s i n g a f i n g e r o r t w o will have at least o n e interesting s t o r y to tell. Be wary of h a n d s s p e c k l e d w i t h s c a r s o r t o o o f t e n t o o q u i c k l y c l e n c h e d i n t o fists. M e n ' s h a n d s are u s u a l l y w a r m . T h i s i s b e c a u s e t h e b l o o d f l o w t o a m a n ' s h a n d is greater t h a n that to a woman's. Be suspicious of a m a n with consistently cold h a n d s . H i s b l o o d flow m a y b e sluggish a n d thin. M e n w i t h h a n d s like m e a t h o o k s s h o u l d n o t b e d e n t i s t s , b r a i n s u r geons, or magicians. A t t h e o t h e r e n d o f t h e t o r s o are t h e legs w h i c h s h o u l d s p l i t o f f f r o m t h e t r u n k i n a s t r a i g h t f o r w a r d a n d s y m m e t r i c a l m a n n e r . A severely bow-legged m a n only looks comfortable when seated on a horse. Of the 6 5 6 muscles in the male body, you m a y find those in the thigh a m o n g the m o s t compelling. A male thigh in m o t i o n is a joyous sight to b e h o l d . W r a p p e d a r o u n d t h e femur, which is the longest b o n e i n t h e b o d y , are t h e s a r t o r i u s , t h e r e c t u s f e m o r i s , a n d t h e v a s t u s , b o t h

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e x t e r n u s a n d i n t e r n u s . T h e s e m u s c l e s are l i k e f l o w e r s : y o u d o n o t n e e d to k n o w their Latin names in order to appreciate them. T h e action of

t h e s e large m u s c l e s c a n b e e n o u g h t o m a k e u p f o r a n y n u m b e r o f o t h e r shortcomings. B e l o w t h e t h i g h s are t h e k n e e s w h i c h are s e l d o m a t t r a c t i v e a n d frequently m a k e strange cracking a n d p o p p i n g noises. Athletic m e n of a

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c e r t a i n age ate p r o n e t o p r o b l e m s i n t h i s area. T h i s m a y l e a d t o m a n y l o n g b o r i n g conversations a b o u t cartilage, liniment, a n d f a m o u s hockey p l a y e r s w h o s e c a r e e r s have b e e n r u i n e d b y r e c u r r i n g k n e e injuries. S o m e men's k n e e c a p s have a t e n d e n c y t o p o p o u t o f their sockets. T h e y will expect you t o b e able t o p o p t h e m b a c k i n again w i t h o u t passing out. T h e knee b o n e is connected to the shin bone, formally k n o w n as the tibia. T h e shins of a full-grown m a n s h o u l d n o t be covered w i t h scrapes a n d bruises. U n l e s s of course these injuries were i n c u r r e d w h i l e r o c k c l i m b i n g , w h i t e - w a t e r r a f t i n g , o r g r o v e l i n g a t y o u r feet w h i l e b e g g i n g for m e r c y , f o r g i v e n e s s , a n d a s e c o n d c h a n c e . T h e ankles should be b i g - b o n e d and strong. M e n with weak ank l e s t e n d t o u s e t h i s m i n o r i n f i r m i t y a s a n e x c u s e t o a v o i d all k i n d s o f p h y s i c a l a c t i v i t y i n c l u d i n g ice s k a t i n g , s t r o l l i n g i n t h e m o o n l i g h t , t a k ing o u t the garbage, and m o w i n g the lawn. A t t a c h e d t o t h e a n k l e s a t a 9 0 ° a n g l e are t h e feet. E i t h e r y o u like feet o r y o u d o n ' t . A f t e r y e a r s o f a b u s e a n d n e g l e c t , s o m e m e n ' s feet are hideously d e c o r a t e d w i t h b u n i o n s , calluses, and c o r n s . T h e f o o t c o n t a i n s t w e n t y - s i x s m a l l b o n e s a n d i n s o m e m e n , all o f t h e m a r e k n o b b y a n d misshapen. T h e i r toenails m a y be yellow a n d gnarled, t o o thick to b e t r i m m e d b y n o r m a l m e a n s . S o m e m e n are s q u e a m i s h a n d have n o t c u t their toenails p r o p e r l y for t w e n t y years. O f t e n their toes are hairy, t h e i r s e c o n d t o e s are l o n g e r t h a n t h e i r b i g t o e s , a n d t h e i r b a b y t o e s are d e f o r m e d s t u b s t h a t l o o k like d e a d s l u g s . M e n w i t h u g l y feet s h o u l d n o t e x p e c t y o u t o r u b , k i s s , o r l i c k t h e m . M e n w i t h u g l y feet s h o u l d spend a lot of m o n e y on socks a n d shoes which they s h o u l d then remove only in the dark.

III. W i t h s o m u c h e x c i t e m e n t g o i n g o n i n f r o n t , t h e b o d i e s o f m e n are often m o r e restful w h e n viewed f r o m b e h i n d .

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F r o m t h i s p e r s p e c t i v e , t h e n a p e o f t h e n e c k i s d i s p l a y e d t o its b e s t a d v a n t a g e . It, like t h e w r i s t , e m i t s a n a u r a o f v u l n e r a b i l i t y a n d

s e n s i t i v i t y . H e r e i n lies its p o w e r . I t i s b e s t o b s e r v e d b y a c c i d e n t w h e n h e d o e s n o t k n o w you're watching h i m . T h e s u d d e n sight o f t h e d o w n y n a p e o f a m a l e n e c k b e n t o v e r a b o o k i n a y e l l o w circle o f

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l a m p l i g h t will set o f f a s p a s m of love in y o u r s e n t i m e n t a l t h r o a t , your startled heart. T h e back itself s h o u l d be as hairless as possible. M e n w i t h hairy b a c k s are f r e q u e n t l y e m b a r r a s s e d b y t h i s i n a p p r o p r i a t e h i r s u t e n e s s . T h e y t e n d to apologize profusely w h e n taking off their shirts. A h a i r l e s s b a c k p r o v i d e s a m p l e o p p o r t u n i t y f o r a d m i r i n g a n d exp l o r i n g an expanse of u n i n t e r r u p t e d skin. A single square inch of skin c o n t a i n s 1 9 m i l l i o n cells, 6 2 5 s w e a t g l a n d s , 9 0 o i l g l a n d s , 6 5 h a i r s , 1 9 feet o f b l o o d vessels, a n d 2 0 m i l l i o n m i c r o s c o p i c m i t e s . T h e l a r g e s t o r g a n i n t h e h u m a n b o d y , t h e s k i n o f a n average m a n covers a n a r e a o f t w e n t y s q u a r e feet a n d w e i g h s a b o u t t e n p o u n d s . I n o r d e r t o verify t h i s i n f o r m a t i o n , the skin w o u l d have to be r e m o v e d entirely a n d m e a s u r e d a c c o r d i n g l y . T h i s i s n o t a d v i s a b l e for a m a t e u r s a s t h e p r o c e d u r e i s m e s s y a n d t h e c h a n c e s o f b e i n g a b l e t o p u t i t all b a c k o n a g a i n a r e slim. It is b e t t e r to take this on faith, t h e way y o u t o o k it on faith for all t h o s e years t h a t m e n w e r e s t r o n g e r , b r a v e r , less e m o t i o n a l , m o r e r a tional, better at m a t h , a n d just naturally g o o d w i t h machines. T h e s k i n i t s e l f s h o u l d b e s m o o t h a n d relatively u n b l e m i s h e d . R e m e m b e r t h a t a m a n ' s s k i n , like h i s b l o o d , i s t h i c k e r t h a n a w o m a n ' s . T h i s explains a lot of things. R u n n i n g straight d o w n the center of the back is the spine, the l a r g e s t o f its t w e n t y - s i x v e r t e b r a e l o o k i n g like k n u c k l e s , t h e s m a l l e s t like p e a s . O n e i t h e t s i d e o f t h e s p i n e i s t h e l a t i s s i m u s d o r s i , t h e l a r g e s t m u s c l e i n t h e h u m a n b o d y . I t i s h e r e t h a t y o u a r e m o s t likely t o c a t c h a g l i m p s e o f t h a t l e g e n d a r y r i p p l i n g effect. A t t h e b a s e o f t h e s p i n e t h e r e are o f t e n t w o large d i m p l e s w h i c h always invite a smile or a friendly kiss. A l l m e n like t o h a v e t h e i r b a c k s r u b b e d . T h i s i s n o t a n u n p l e a s a n t activity for either party, b u t bear in m i n d t h a t if y o u do it o n c e , he

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w i l l e x p e c t y o u t o d o i t all t h e t i m e . Before o f f e r i n g t h i s s e r v i c e o n a r e g u l a r b a s i s , b e s u r e t h a t h e i s p r e p a r e d t o r e c i p r o c a t e i n k i n d a t least once a week. T h e b a c k s h o u l d taper off gently a t t h e waist. M e n w i t h o u t waists c a n still m a k e g o o d c o m p a n i o n s b u t t h e y are h a r d e r t o s l i p y o u r a r m a r o u n d w h e n w a l k i n g d o w n t h e street. E v e n m e n w i t h slim waists freq u e n t l y h a v e p o c k e t s o f flesh f o n d l y r e f e r r e d t o a s love handles. T h e s e are n o t always u n a t t r a c t i v e a n d c a n i n d e e d b e u s e f u l i n c e r t a i n c i r c u m stances r e q u i r i n g a firmer grip. M e n w i t h very small waists a n d very b r o a d s h o u l d e r s have a n a n n o y i n g t e n d e n c y t o strut. C a l l i t w h a t y o u will, t h e m a l e b u m i s t h e m o s t f r e q u e n t f o c u s o f a t t e n t i o n i n t h e r e a r view. I t m a y well b e t h e o n l y t h i n g t h a t m a k e s watching professional sports bearable. T h e gluteus m a x i m u s is the strongest muscle in the b o d y a n d so deserves respect. T h e b u m s h o u l d b e e n t i r e l y free o f p i m p l e s a n d h a i r . I t s h o u l d n o t b e t o o b a g g y , t o o bulging, o r t o o f l a t . M e n w i t h n o b u m s have trouble keeping their p a n t s u p . W h a t e v e r t h e size o f t h e b u m itself, t h e c r a c k s h o u l d n e v e r b e e x p o s e d above t h e waistline o f t h e p a n t s . T h i s offensive spectacle i s frequently o b s e r v e d i n p l u m b e r s i n y o u r k i t c h e n s q u a t t i n g d o w n t o exa m i n e the pipes u n d e r the sink, a n d in family m e n in s h o p p i n g mall p a r k i n g lots b e n d i n g over t o p u t t h e groceries i n t h e t r u n k . T h e t r u t h is m a n y m e n look better with their clothes on. T h i s is n o t a gender-specific trait. It is also t r u e of m a n y w o m e n , the difference b e i n g t h a t t h e w o m e n usually realize this while t h e m e n usually don't.

IV. T h e p i n n a c l e o f t h e m a l e b o d y , like t h e s t a r o n t o p o f t h e C h r i s t m a s t r e e o r t h e c r o s s o n t o p o f t h e s t e e p l e , is, o f c o u r s e , t h e h e a d . S o m e m e n ' s h e a d s d o n ' t m a t c h t h e i r b o d i e s . S o m e s m a l l t h i n m e n h a v e large

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fat h e a d s . S o m e l a r g e m u s c u l a r m e n h a v e s m a l l w o b b l y h e a d s . S o m e m e n w i t h b e a u t i f u l b o d i e s h a v e u g l y h e a d s a n d vice versa. T h e p r o b l e m s a r i s i n g f r o m t h i s t y p e o f d i s c o r d a n c e are largely a e s t h e t i c . T h e f u n d a m e n t a l basis of the h e a d is the skull which is c o m p r i s e d o f t w e n t y - t w o large a n d small b o n e s . T h e s e s h o u l d b e fused t o g e t h e r neatly w i t h o u t t o o m a n y b u m p s or ridges. T h i s consideration is of p a r t i c u l a r i m p o r t a n c e t o b a l d m e n o r t h o s e likely t o b e o v e r w h e l m e d by a s u d d e n i m p u l s e to shave t h e i r heads. Housed

w i t h i n t h e h e a d a r e several i n t e r e s t i n g b u t p o t e n t i a l l y

p r o b l e m a t i c f e a t u r e s . N o t t h e l e a s t o f t h e s e are t h e eyes, w h i c h s h o u l d b e b r i g h t a n d w a r m , b r i m m i n g w i t h p r o m i s e a n d virility. S o m e m e n ' s eyes s h o o t o f f s p a r k s . C a l m y o u r s e l f w i t h t h e k n o w l e d g e t h a t a f t e t d e a t h all eyes c h a n g e c o l o r , u s u a l l y b e c o m i n g a d u l l g r e e n i s h - b r o w n . S o m e men's ears have hair g r o w i n g o u t o f t h e holes i n u n r u l y black tufts. Y o u m i g h t assume t h a t this is why he never seems to hear h a l f o f w h a t y o u ' r e s a y i n g : h i s e a r s are p l u g g e d w i t h h a i r . B u t t h e t r u t h i s t h a t a m a n ' s s e n s e o f h e a r i n g i s n o t a s s h a r p a s a w o m a n ' s . T h i s explains why he never hears the p h o n e ringing, the d o g barking, or the baby crying in the middle of the night. T h e n o s e s h o u l d n o t b e s o large a s t o h a v e y o u r e c o m m e n d i n g t h e n a m e o f a g o o d p l a s t i c s u r g e o n o n t h e first d a t e . I t s h o u l d n o t b e r e d a n d b u l b o u s , covered with blackheads, or grossly m i s s h a p e n from havi n g b e e n b r o k e n s e v e n t e e n t i m e s . A n o s e w i t h s o m e o r all o f t h e s e qualities is a p a r o d y of a n o s e a n d c a n n o t be t a k e n seriously. T h e n o s e s h o u l d w o r k well, n o t r e q u i r i n g h o u r l y a d m i n i s t r a t i o n s o f n a s a l s p r a y o r endless h o n k i n g i n t o handkerchiefs. I t s h o u l d also w o r k quietly, w i t h o u t d r a w i n g u n d u e a t t e n t i o n t o itself. M e n w h o b r e a t h e l o u d l y a r e a n n o y i n g even t o sit i n t h e s a m e r o o m w i t h . M e n w h o s n o r e l o u d l y s h o u l d b e i n f o r m e d p o s t - h a s t e t h a t t h e r e are n o w s u r g i c a l p r o c e d u r e s available t o c o r r e c t t h i s p r o b l e m .

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Below t h e n o s e is t h e m o u t h , a m a j o r site of activity a n d interest. T h e p r o d u c t i o n o f saliva i n t h e m o u t h s h o u l d b e k e p t u n d e r c o n t r o l a t all t i m e s . M e n w h o d r o o l a n d s l o b b e r c a n n o t b e t a k e n o u t i n p u b l i c . T h e lips s h o u l d b e soft a n d m o i s t , n o t p e r p e t u a l l y c h a p p e d a n d flaking off bits of d e a d skin. T h e teeth need n o t be perfect a n d pearly w h i t e b u t t h e y s h o u l d b e all t h e r e , a t least i n t h e f r o n t . T h e t o n g u e s h o u l d b e n i m b l e a n d n o t t o o big. I t s h o u l d n o t a p p e a r t o b e f l o p p i n g a r o u n d o f its o w n free w i l l . Y o u s h o u l d n e v e r l o o k a t t h e u n d e r s i d e o f t h e m a l e t o n g u e b e c a u s e it, like t h e f e m a l e ' s , i s r e p u l s i v e . T h e m u s c l e s o f t h e t o n g u e a r e s u p p o r t e d b y t h e h y o i d b o n e w h i c h i s s h a p e d like a horseshoe and is the only b o n e in the h u m a n b o d y that does n o t touch a n o t h e r b o n e . I n cases o f d e a t h b y s t r a n g u l a t i o n , t h e h y o i d i s u s u a l l y f r a c t u r e d o r c r u s h e d a n d s o its c o n d i t i o n o f t e n p r o v i d e s u s e f u l evidence in h o m i c i d e investigations. W h a t makes o n e male h e a d h a n d s o m e a n d the next o n e n o t rem a i n s unclear. T h e r e is m o r e to it t h a n the quality and a r r a n g e m e n t of these various features. W h y the l o o k o f o n e m a n smiling a t you across a crowded r o o m makes you go weak at the knees while the gaze of the p e r f e c t l y p r e s e n t a b l e m a n b e s i d e h i m c a u s e s n a r y a flicker i s still o n e o f t h e g r e a t u n s o l v e d m y s t e r i e s o f life, like S t o n e h e n g e , t h e B e r m u d a Triangle, and the disappearance of Amelia Earhart. T h e s a m e c a n b e s a i d o f t h e m a l e b r a i n . It, like t h e m a l e h e a r t , is, by t u r n s , intriguing, alarming, exasperating, a n d utterly unfathomable. H a v i n g c o m p l e t e d a t h o r o u g h examination of the m o r e superficial features of t h e m a l e body, y o u will eventually find yourself forced to d e a l w i t h t h e b r a i n . Y o u c a n n o t p u t t h i s o f f forever. T h e m a l e b r a i n , like t h e f e m a l e , i s n o t m u c h t o l o o k at. A g l i s t e n ing convoluted l u m p of pale gray m a t t e r shot t h r o u g h w i t h red arteries a n d b l u e v e i n s , t h e b r a i n s h o u l d have t r i p l e d i n size f r o m b i r t h t o a d u l t h o o d . T h e size o f t w o c l e n c h e d fists h e l d t i g h t l y t o g e t h e r , t h e av-

ON

L O O K I N G

F U R T H E R

INTO

THE

BODIES

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M E N

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erage m a l e b r a i n w e i g h s t h r e e p o u n d s . T h e h e a v i e s t b r a i n ever r e c o r d e d weighed 5 p o u n d s I . I ounces and belonged to a thirty-year-old man. T h e lightest brain weighed 2 p o u n d s 6.7 ounces and belonged to a t h i r t y - o n e - y e a r - o l d w o m a n . S h o u l d any m a n try t o m a k e t o o m u c h o f this, r e m i n d h i m t h a t there is no correlation between brain size a n d intelligence. P o i n t o u t t h a t a l t h o u g h the male brain is 10 percent heavier, t h e f e m a l e b r a i n c o n t a i n s 1 1 p e r c e n t m o r e b r a i n cells. T h e b l o o d flow to the male b r a i n while t h i n k i n g is smaller t h a n t h a t to the female brain. S o m e m e n d o n o t t h i n k w i t h their brains anyway. T h e capacity of the h u m a n brain has been expressed as the n u m ber

I

followed by 6.5 m i l l i o n z e r o s — a n u m b e r so large it w o u l d

stretch from t h e earth t o the m o o n a n d back again m o r e t h a n thirteen times. Because the brain has no nerve endings, it can be b u r n e d , frozen, hit, or sliced w i t h o u t feeling a t h i n g . E a c h day b e t w e e n 3 0 , 0 0 0 a n d 5 0 , 0 0 0 b r a i n cells d i e a n d a r e n o t r e g e n e r a t e d . I n s t e a d t h e y a r e e a t e n a n d d i g e s t e d b y o t h e r cells. A s m e n age, t h e i r b r a i n s d e t e r i o r a t e t w o o r t h r e e t i m e s f a s t e r t h a n t h e b r a i n s o f w o m e n . A l t h o u g h t h i s fact h a s b e e n d o c u m e n t e d only recently, it hardly c o m e s as a surprise. U n f o r t u n a t e l y there is no way of k n o w i n g anything a b o u t a man's brain b y l o o k i n g a t his body. W h e n l o o k i n g further i n t o the b o d i e s o f m e n , t h e m o s t i m p o r t a n t t h i n g t o r e m e m b e r i s t h a t w h a t y o u see h a s a b s o l u t e l y n o t h i n g t o d o w i t h w h a t y o u ' r e g o i n g t o get. T h e b r a i n c o n t i n u e s t o s e n d o u t signals for u p t o thirty-seven h o u r s after d e a t h . B r a i n w a v e s , p o s t h u m o u s o r o t h e r w i s e , are l i k e t h e w i n d : y o u c a n n o t a c t u a l l y see t h e m , y o u c a n o n l y see t h e i r effects. I m a g i n e a w a r m b r e e z e w a f t i n g t h r o u g h a f r a g r a n t field o f w i l d f l o w ers, gently lifting y o u r hair off t h e b a c k of y o u r neck. T h e n i m a g i n e a t o r n a d o scooping up the contents of your heart, ripping it to shreds, f l i n g i n g t h e p i e c e s a w a y i n all d i r e c t i o n s a t o n c e . B r a i n waves a r e a f o r m o f e l e c t r i c i t y . I m a g i n e a c o z y r o o m a t d u s k ,

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p o o l s o f y e l l o w l a m p l i g h t , t h e s o u n d o f s o f t m u s i c f l o a t i n g o n t h e air. T h e n imagine sticking your finger in the light socket.

O n c e u p o n a t i m e there was a y o u n g w o m a n n a m e d Grace. S h e was v e r y b e a u t i f u l . S h e p o s s e s s e d i n a m p l e m e a s u r e all o f t h e a t t r i b u t e s d e e m e d desirable in w o m e n of her time. She h a d a small waist a n d shapely b u t n o t heavy hips. She h a d generous b u t n o t floppy breasts a n d a flat s t o m a c h w i t h a t a s t e f u l n a v e l . H e r s h o u l d e r s w e r e g r a c e f u l a n d h e r n e c k w a s e l e g a n t . S h e h a d a clear a n d h e a l t h y c o m p l e x i o n , l a r g e d a r k eyes a n d l o n g d a r k e y e l a s h e s , full r e d l i p s a n d s t r a i g h t w h i t e t e e t h . H e r a u b u r n h a i r w a s n a t u r a l l y full o f b o d y a n d s h i n e . S h e a l s o h a d f i r m b u t t o c k s , l o n g l e g s , a n d d a i n t y l i t t l e feet.

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A l l h e r life G r a c e h a d b e e n t o l d s h e w a s l u c k y . S h e w a s t o l d t h i s b y her parents, w h o were obviously p r o u d , a n d by her friends, w h o were s e c r e t l y e n v i o u s . S h e w a s even o c c a s i o n a l l y t o l d t h i s b y t o t a l s t r a n g e r s on the bus. Grace k n e w they were right. S o m e t i m e s she w o u l d stand naked in front of her full-length m i r r o r a n d examine herself in detail. S h e c o u l d s t a n d there for a n h o u r o r m o r e , c o u n t i n g her blessings. T h i s was n o t so m u c h vanity as a n e e d to r e m i n d a n d reassure herself o f her m a n y assets. N o t s u r p r i s i n g l y , y o u n g m e n s w a r m e d a r o u n d h e r like s t i c k y f o o t e d flies. F o r a w h i l e G r a c e e n j o y e d t h i s v e r y m u c h . S h e w a s a r o m a n t i c y o u n g w o m a n w h o fell i n a n d o u t o f love easily a n d o f t e n . S h e was certain t h a t s o m e d a y her prince w o u l d c o m e , b u t in the m e a n t i m e , n o t o n e of these r e l a t i o n s h i p s lasted very l o n g . G r a c e was every b i t as discriminating as she was beautiful. M u c h as each of these m a n y suitors s h o w e d great p r o m i s e i n t h a t initial f l u s h o f infatuation, s o o n e n o u g h t h e y w o u l d reveal t h e i r t r u e c o l o r s . S o o n e n o u g h G r a c e w o u l d discover t h a t the c u r r e n t object of her affections was n o t the m a n of h e r d r e a m s after all. S o o n e n o u g h s h e w o u l d h a v e t o a d m i t t h a t h e w a s t o o m o o d y , t o o irresponsible, t o o insensitive, t o o egotistical, t o o d o m ineering, or just plain d u m b . T h e r e w a s o n e y o u n g m a n w h o , w h e n s h e t o l d h i m s h e d i d n ' t love h i m after all, t h r e w h i m s e l f a t h e r d a i n t y feet, c l u n g t o h e r p r e t t y a n kles, a n d swore he loved her so m u c h that he w o u l d d r o w n himself in h e r b a t h w a t e r i f s h e d u m p e d h i m . B u t h e w a s a l s o t h e o n e w h o freq u e n t l y a d v a n c e d t h e o p i n i o n t h a t a b e a u t i f u l w o m a n c o u l d n o t b e exp e c t e d t o h a v e a b r a i n a s well. A n d s o G r a c e c a s t h i m a w a y t o o , a d d i n g yet a n o t h e r b r o k e n h e a r t t o t h e g r o w i n g trail b e h i n d her.

J u s t w h e n G r a c e w a s b e g i n n i n g t o d e s p a i r o f ever m e e t i n g M r . R i g h t , C u p i d f i n a l l y f o u n d her. A f t e r all t h o s e r o m a n t i c m i s a d v e n t u r e s , G r a c e

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h a d b e c o m e , u n d e r s t a n d a b l y , a little skittish a b o u t t h e w h o l e n o t i o n o f love. S h e w a s m o r e c a u t i o u s n o w , less w i l l i n g t o b e s w e p t o f f h e r feet, a l i t t l e c y n i c a l p e r h a p s , n o t q u i t e s o r e a d y t o o f f e r h e r h e a r t t h i s time around. She h a d finally realized that m o s t of her previous suitors h a d b e e n n o t s o m u c h interested i n h e r h e a r t anyway, b u t r a t h e r i n t h e g e n e r o u s b u t n o t f l o p p y b r e a s t s t h a t c o n c e a l e d it. B u t this y o u n g m a n was n o t like t h e o t h e r s . H i s n a m e was W i l l i a m a n d he was gentle, sensitive, e v e n - t e m p e r e d , a n d intelligent. A l t h o u g h h e w a s o b v i o u s l y well a w a r e o f h e r b e a u t y , h e w a s n o t o b s e s s e d w i t h i t a n d h e m a d e i t clear t h a t h e l o v e d h e r a s m u c h f o r h e r m i n d a s a n y -

t h i n g else. W i l l i a m r e s p e c t e d h e r o p i n i o n s a n d w a s a b l e t o a d m i t w h e n h e was w r o n g . H e sent her flowers for n o reason a n d t o o k h e r t o r o m a n t i c movies at w h i c h he was n o t e m b a r r a s s e d to cry w h e n necessary. G r a c e was very i m p r e s s e d . I t d i d n o t h u r t t h a t W i l l i a m was also very

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handsome

with

broad

S C H O E M P E R L E N

shoulders,

a hairless

well-muscled

torso,

a

s t r o n g j a w l i n e , a n i c e s t r a i g h t n o s e , a n d large d a r k eyes n o t u n l i k e Grace's o w n . He also h a d a g o o d job w i t h a p r o m i s i n g future. He was an a c c o u n t a n t w i t h a large respected firm a n d h a d already b e e n p r o m o t e d t h r e e t i m e s i n t h e l a s t t w o y e a r s . B u t still G r a c e h e l d b a c k . S h e was t o o afraid of being d i s a p p o i n t e d again. W i l l i a m was persistent, b u t never pushy. H e said h e u n d e r s t o o d her reluctance. H e said h e h a d all t h e t i m e i n t h e w o r l d t o p r o v e t h a t h e d e s e r v e d h e r love. After a year of his p a t i e n t c o u r t s h i p , G r a c e h a d to a d m i t t h a t W i l l i a m w a s e v e r y t h i n g h e s e e m e d t o b e , e v e r y t h i n g s h e h a d ever d r e a m e d of. F i n a l l y C u p i d gave h e r o n e l a s t p u s h . G r a c e s a w t h e l i g h t a n d surrendered. All along everyone h a d said they were the perfect couple a n d n o w Grace realized they were right. W i l l i a m got d o w n o n h i s k n e e s a n d gave h e r a b i g d i a m o n d r i n g . G r a c e w e p t w i t h h a p p i n e s s . H e r p a r e n t s w e r e even m o r e o b v i o u s l y p r o u d a n d h e r f r i e n d s w e r e s e c r e t l y even m o r e e n v i o u s . Grace a n d W i l l i a m began to plan their future together.

T h e w e d d i n g t o o k p l a c e six m o n t h s l a t e r a t t h e e n d o f M a y . A s a b r i d e , G r a c e w a s m o r e b e a u t i f u l t h a n ever. S h e w o r e a t r a d i t i o n a l w h i t e s a t i n g o w n w i t h a f o u r - f o o t t r a i n a n d l o n g full w h i t e lace sleeves. I n her hair she wore a crown of p i n k a n d white sweetheart roses from w h i c h a f l o o r - l e n g t h g o s s a m e r veil c a s c a d e d all a r o u n d h e r . T h e g o w n was cut low in t h e b a c k to a b i g white b o w at her tiny waist. At t h e w e d d i n g ceremony, only o n e of Grace's friends let envy get t h e b e t t e r o f her. U p o n seeing t h e white gown, this y o u n g w o m a n c o u l d b e overh e a r d t o w h i s p e r snidely, " W h o i s she t r y i n g t o k i d ? " T h e g r o o m wore

a

custom-made

black m o r n i n g suit w i t h a

black satin c u m m e r b u n d , a p l e a t e d w h i t e silk shirt, a n d a w h i t e b o w tie. E v e n t h e o l d priest w h o p e r f o r m e d t h e c e r e m o n y a n d b e s t o w e d

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his blessing u p o n t h e m said he h a d never seen a m o r e beautiful c o u p l e . Grace's

m o t h e r w e p t a n d her father n o d d e d

happily

as

their

daughter signed the marriage register with trembling hands. William's parents were equally pleased. After t h e ceremony, t h e n e w l y w e d s a n d t h e i r guests ate, d r a n k , a n d d a n c e d for h o u r s . T h e n G r a c e a n d W i l l i a m c h a n g e d i n t o t h e i r t r a v e l ing clothes a n d t o o k a r e n t e d l i m o u s i n e t o t h e a i r p o r t . T h e y flew t o Paris for their h o n e y m o o n . W h a t c o u l d b e m o r e r o m a n t i c t h a n Paris in the springtime? A week later they r e t u r n e d a n d e m b a r k e d u p o n the unparalleled a d v e n t u r e o f m a r r i e d life.

I n t h e first y e a r o f t h e i r m a r r i a g e , G r a c e a n d W i l l i a m m a d e love a l m o s t every n i g h t a n d w e r e v e r y b u s y d o i n g m a n y o t h e r i n t e r e s t i n g t h i n g s . T h e y w e r e always g o i n g t o m o v i e s , c o n c e r t s , b a l l g a m e s , a n d parties. Every S a t u r d a y n i g h t they w e n t o u t for dinner. T h e y each h a d

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m a n y friends to begin w i t h a n d now, being such an interesting, a m u s ing, a n d attractive couple, they m a d e even m o r e . T h e i r p h o n e was alw a y s r i n g i n g a n d t h e i r c a l e n d a r w a s always full. B u t after a y e a r o r s o , t h e y g r e w t i r e d o f t h i s e n d l e s s s o c i a l w h i r l . T h e y w e r e a l s o t i r e d o f r e n t i n g a n d s o t h e y , like m a n y o f t h e i r f r i e n d s , b o u g h t a l a r g e o l d h o u s e a n d b e g a n t o s p e n d all t h e i r t i m e a n d m o n e y renovating and redecorating. T h e y did m o s t of the work themselves, a s w a s t h e c u s t o m i n t h e i r circle. S o m e t i m e s t h e i r f r i e n d s c a m e o v e r t o help. T h e y l e a r n e d h o w t o replaster cracked walls, reset c r o o k e d w i n d o w s , refinish h a r d w o o d floors, a n d b u i l d s i m p l e cabinets a n d shelves. T h e y scoured antique markets a n d dragged h o m e battered dressers,

desks, a n d china cabinets w h i c h they t h e n lovingly restored to their f o r m e r beauty. T h e y l e a r n e d h o w t o h a n g wallpaper, lay carpet, a n d p e r f o r m m i n o r p l u m b i n g miracles. E a c h n i g h t , after a n o t h e r l o n g d a y o f s a n d i n g , p a i n t i n g , h a m m e r i n g , a n d s a w i n g , t h e y w o u l d fall i n t o b e d e x h a u s t e d b u t p r o u d , a s t h e i r d r e a m h o m e slowly t o o k shape a r o u n d t h e m .

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*

O f all t h e i r h o m e i m p r o v e m e n t a c h i e v e m e n t s ,

Grace

and William

were m o s t p r o u d o f the kitchen. H a v i n g a g r e e d t h a t t h e k i t c h e n was t h e n a t u r a l n u c l e u s o f any h a p p y h o m e , t h e y s p a r e d n o e x p e n s e o n its r e f u r b i s h m e n t . W i l l i a m h a d recently received yet a n o t h e r p r o m o t i o n s o t h e y c o u l d afford t o g o all o u t . F i n a l l y , after w e e k s o f h a r d w o r k a n d s e r i o u s s h o p p i n g , t h e k i t c h e n was d o n e , c o m p l e t e l y r e c o n s t r u c t e d f r o m floor t o ceiling a n d a b u n d a n t l y o u t f i t t e d w i t h all t h e m o s t e f f i c i e n t a n d a t t r a c t i v e a c c o u trements. Grace and William stood arm in arm in the doorway and admired their creation. O n t h e large o a k table i n t h e center o f t h e r o o m , a w h i t e linen cloth glowed,

a set of stainless

steel b o n e - h a n d l e d b u t c h e r k n i v e s

g l e a m e d , a n d t w o w h i t e a n t i q u e b o w l s w a i t e d t o b e filled w i t h f i n g e r licking delicacies a n d m o u t h w a t e r i n g delights. T h e c o u n t e r against t h e right wall was a solid slab of m a p l e t w o inches thick. T h e r e was a c o m p l e t e set of w o o d e n m i x i n g b o w l s a r r a n g e d in a tall vertical casti r o n r a c k , a r a r e f i n d a t a n a n t i q u e m a r k e t n o r t h o f t h e city. On t h e b a c k wall there were t w o built-in ovens, a chalk message board, a brass a n d m a h o g a n y a n t i q u e clock, a n d a built-in refrigerator w i t h w o o d e n d o o r s . A s e c o n d iron rack h e l d five c o o k i n g p o t s of vari o u s sizes. A s e t o f c o p p e r u t e n s i l s h u n g o n t h e wall j u s t b e l o w t h e l a r g e c a s e m e n t w i n d o w t h r o u g h w h i c h t h e s u n s t r e a m e d all a f t e r n o o n . T h e showpiece of the k i t c h e n was a h u g e cast-iron stove w h i c h h a d b e e n c o n v e r t e d t o gas. T h i s s t o v e w e i g h e d o v e r t w o t h o u s a n d p o u n d s a n d b r i n g i n g i t i n t o t h e k i t c h e n h a d r e q u i r e d a f o r k l i f t a n d six strong men. T h e floor, w h i c h h a d o f c o u r s e b e e n reinforced u n d e r t h e stove, w a s c o v e r e d i n l a r g e b l a c k a n d w h i t e s q u a r e tiles. A l t h o u g h t h e o c c a s i o n o f l a y i n g t h e s e tiles h a d i n v o l v e d m u c h c u r s i n g a n d s w e a r i n g a n d

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m a n y m i s t a k e s , G r a c e a n d W i l l i a m a g r e e d n o w t h a t i t h a d all b e e n w o r t h it.

G r a c e m a d e a p o t of tea a n d they sat t o g e t h e r in their beautiful k i t c h e n u n t i l t h e s u n w e n t d o w n , i m a g i n i n g all t h e w o n d e r f u l m e a l s t h e y w o u l d p r e p a r e h e r e , all t h e C h r i s t m a s e s a n d b i r t h d a y s t h e y w o u l d c e l e b r a t e , a n d i n t h e i r m i n d s , t h e f u t u r e s p r e a d o u t b e f o r e t h e m like a s m o r g a s b o r d , a veritable b a n q u e t of as yet u n t a s t e d pleasures, p i q u a n t a n d sweet.

O n c e t h e h o u s e w a s f i n i s h e d , t h e r e w a s n o t m u c h f o r G r a c e t o d o all d a y while W i l l i a m was away a t w o r k . S h e quickly f o u n d t h a t o n l y s o m u c h time could be filled with cleaning a n d rearranging a n d admiring the splendid contents of the house. She t h o u g h t about getting a job. But w h a t was t h e p o i n t of h a v i n g such a beautiful h o m e if it was just g o i n g t o s i t e m p t y all day? S h e t a l k e d i t o v e r w i t h W i l l i a m a n d t h e y d e c i d e d i t w a s t i m e t o s t a r t a family.

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A y e a r later, after a n e a s y p r e g n a n c y w i t h o u t m o r n i n g s i c k n e s s , h e a r t b u r n , o r h e m o r r h o i d s , G r a c e gave b i r t h t o t h e i r first c h i l d , a b o y . T h e y n a m e d h i m Charles. Grace h a d never k n o w n such p u r e h a p p i n e s s a s t h a t w h i c h s h e felt w h e n r o c k i n g C h a r l e s i n h e r a r m s a n d h o l d i n g h i m to her milk-filled breasts. T h e care a n d f e e d i n g o f l i t t l e C h a r l e s c o n s u m e d h e r d a y s , a n d oft e n h e r n i g h t s a s well. G r a c e s e l d o m h a d t i m e a n y m o r e t o s t a r e a t h e r self in t h e m i r r o r , b u t if she h a d , she w o u l d have seen t h a t her

b e a u t i f u l face l o o k e d t i r e d n o w , p u f f y a r o u n d t h e eyes, p a l e i n t h e cheeks, a little d r a w n at t h e m o u t h . If W i l l i a m n o t i c e d these changes i n h i s b e a u t i f u l b r i d e , h e w i s e l y m a d e n o c o m m e n t e x c e p t t o say h e liked the way she was wearing her hair these days, longer a n d loose. T h e t r u t h was G r a c e h a d n o t i m e t o wash a n d style i t every m o r n i n g like she u s e d to, n o t i m e t o g o t o t h e hairdresser for her m o n t h l y t r i m . G r a c e was a careful n e w m o t h e r . W h e n she wasn't t e n d i n g t o C h a r l e s , s h e w a s r e a d i n g b o o k s a b o u t i n f a n t care a n d d e v e l o p m e n t a n d

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h o w t o increase y o u r child's self-esteem. S h e often read these b o o k s late into the n i g h t w i t h t h e b e d s i d e l a m p glowing w a r m l y beside her a n d the b a b y nestled in her arms. Charles was n o t a g o o d sleeper a n d G r a c e c o u l d n o t bear to let h i m cry alone in his crib. So she often b r o u g h t h i m i n t o their b e d a n d t u c k e d h i m i n beside her, w h i c h m a n y o f t h e p a r e n t i n g b o o k s said was t h e o n l y healthy t h i n g t o d o . T h e n W i l l i a m , w h o h a d t o get u p for w o r k i n t h e m o r n i n g , w o u l d take s o m e extra blankets a n d g o a n d sleep o n the couch. H e said h e didn't m i n d . H e s a i d h e k n e w t h e i r lives w o u l d g e t b a c k t o n o r m a l a g a i n s o m e d a y soon.

L i t t l e C h a r l e s t h r i v e d a n d g r e w s t r o n g a n d s o o n h e w a s a h e a l t h y lively toddler. Grace w o n d e r e d where the t i m e h a d gone. Charles was walking, talking, a n d getting i n t o m i s c h i e f just like a t w o - y e a r - o l d was s u p p o s e d to. M u c h as G r a c e a d o r e d h i m , she missed having a little b a b y t o snuggle. S h e talked i t over w i t h W i l l i a m a n d s o o n she was p r e g n a n t a g a i n . A f t e r a n o t h e r easy p r e g n a n c y , s h e gave b i r t h t o t h e i r s e c o n d c h i l d , a girl t h i s t i m e . T h e y n a m e d h e r S a r a h . Again Grace found herself looking tired and drawn, knee-deep in diapers, breast milk, a n d p a r e n t i n g b o o k s . L o o k i n g after t w o small c h i l d r e n p r o v e d t o b e m u c h h a r d e r t h a n l o o k i n g after o n e . T h e y f u s s e d a n d w h i n e d a n d d r o v e h e r c r a z y w i t h d e m a n d s all d a y l o n g . B u t a s s o o n a s W i l l i a m c a m e h o m e f r o m w o r k , t h e y w e r e all s w e e t n e s s a n d s m i l e s , Sarah m a k i n g cute baby g o o i n g s o u n d s a n d Charles trailing his father a r o u n d like a p u p p y d o g . G r a c e c o u l d n o t h e l p b u t r e s e n t t h i s . W e r e t h e c h i l d r e n , s h e w o n d e r e d , s u c k i n g t h e life o u t o f h e r o n p u r p o s e o r d i d i t j u s t h a p p e n t h a t way? S h e c o u l d n ' t v e r y well t e l l W i l l i a m h o w s h e felt. C h a r l e s a n d S a r a h w e r e t h e e q u a l a p p l e s o f t h e i r father's eye. W i l l i a m , a s well a s b e i n g a n e x c e l l e n t p r o v i d e r , w a s a l s o a w o n d e r ful f a t h e r . H e w a s n o t o n e o f t h o s e o l d - f a s h i o n e d m e n w h o t h o u g h t

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l o o k i n g after c h i l d r e n w a s w o m a n ' s w o r k . H e w a s a m o d e r n , s e n s i t i v e , h a n d s - o n f a t h e r w h o fed a n d b a t h e d h i s c h i l d r e n , r e a d t h e m s t o r i e s , played p e e k a b o o a n d patty-cake with genuine delight, a n d changed their dirty diapers w i t h o u t gagging.

O n s u n n y S u n d a y a f t e r n o o n s W i l l i a m w o u l d p u t Sarah u p o n his shoulders, take Charles by the hand, and off they w o u l d go to the park. O f t e n the neighbors' children tagged along too. T h e i r fathers, they each t o l d h i m , were t o o busy, t o o grouchy, o r t o o tired t o play w i t h t h e m . T h e y all a d o r e d W i l l i a m a n d w i s h e d t h e i r o w n f a t h e r s w e r e j u s t like h i m . At the park W i l l i a m and the children played long laughing games o f catch, tag, a n d h i d e - a n d - g o - s e e k . W i l l i a m never s e e m e d t o tire o f pushing t h e m on the swings, catching t h e m at the b o t t o m of the big

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silver s l i d e , o r s i m p l y c h a s i n g t h e m a r o u n d w h i l e g r o w l i n g l i k e a f e r o cious bug-eyed monster. B a c k a t h o m e a l o n e , G r a c e t h o u g h t a b o u t all t h e t h i n g s s h e c o u l d b e d o i n g w h i l e t h e y w e r e g o n e : c o n s t r u c t i v e , creative, g r o w n - u p t h i n g s . But usually she d i d the laundry, the dishes, or the vacuuming. S o m e times she talked o n the p h o n e t o her m o t h e r . M o s t often she w e n t u p stairs t o t h e c o o l e m p t y b e d r o o m a n d h a d a nap. W h e n W i l l i a m a n d the children tumbled back into the house, boisterous and smelling of sunshine a n d trees, she h a d to drag herself up from the uneasy d e p t h s of h e r a f t e r n o o n dreams. A n d t h e n , s o m e t i m e s , just for a m i n u t e , she c o u l d n o t r e m e m b e r w h o they were.

A l t h o u g h m a n y of G r a c e s days at h o m e with the children seemed n e v e r - e n d i n g , p a r a d o x i c a l l y t h e years t h e m s e l v e s p a s s e d q u i c k l y . S o o n b o t h Charles

a n d Sarah were in school. T h e y were bright,

well-

behaved children, p o p u l a r with b o t h their teachers a n d their peers. G r a c e w a s v e r y p r o u d o f t h e m . W i l l i a m w a s still a w o n d e r f u l f a t h e r w h o often h e l p e d the children w i t h their h o m e w o r k a n d never missed a s c h o o l c o n c e r t o r p a r e n t - t e a c h e r i n t e r v i e w . H e w a s n o w a full p a r t n e r in his firm a n d his a n n u a l salary was impressive. T h e y c o u l d afford to buy whatever they wanted. Even around the house Grace wore designer d r e s s e s i n all t h e l a t e s t styles. S h e w a s b a c k i n t h e h a b i t n o w o f h a v i n g h e r h a i r d o n e a t least o n c e a m o n t h . S o m e t i m e s s h e h a d a m a n i c u r e a n d a p e d i c u r e t o o . W i l l i a m o f t e n t o l d h e r s h e w a s even m o r e b e a u t i f u l n o w t h a n s h e d b e e n w h e n t h e y first m e t . H e said, " Y o u ' r e n o t g e t t i n g o l d e r , y o u ' r e g e t t i n g b e t t e r . " H e still b o u g h t h e r f l o w e r s f o r n o r e a s o n , a l s o p e r f u m e , jewelry, a n d o t h e r p r e t t y t r i n k e t s , t o k e n s o f h i s u n d y i n g e s t e e m . T h e y m a d e love o f t e n a n d well. W i l l i a m w a s n e v e r u n f a i t h f u l . T h e i r h o m e continued to be a source of great pride. W h e n e v e r G r a c e felt a l i t t l e b o r e d w i t h it, s h e b o u g h t a n e w c a r p e t , n e w d i n i n g

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r o o m c h a i r s , n e w d r a p e s , o r n e w a r t w o r k f o r t h e walls. T h e s e a c q u i s i t i o n s always m a d e h e r h a p p y f o r a w h i l e . N o w t h a t t h e c h i l d r e n w e r e i n s c h o o l all day, t h e r e w a s really n o r e a s o n for G r a c e t o stay h o m e b u t she did. S h e t h o u g h t a b o u t getting

a j o b . S h e w a n t e d t o d o something b u t s h e w a s n ' t s u r e w h a t . S h e k n e w W i l l i a m w o u l d be supportive whatever she decided to do. She kept m e a n i n g to m a k e a decision b u t s o m e h o w t h e days just g o t away on h e r . T h e r e w a s still s o m u c h t o d o . T h e c h i l d r e n n e e d e d t o b e d r i v e n t o a n d f r o m s c h o o l , t o t h e d e n t i s t , t h e d o c t o r , d a n c e class, p i a n o lessons, swimming, ceramics, gymnastics, a n d to the houses of their m a n y friends. S h e h a d m a n y h o b b i e s t h a t k e p t her busy t o o : e m b r o i dery, gardening, reading, a n d d r i e d flower arranging. At last she h a d b o t h the time and the energy to prepare those fabulous meals she and

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W i l l i a m h a d d r e a m e d o f s o l o n g ago. Besides, she was u s e d t o staying h o m e . A n d secretly she was m o r e t h a n a little afraid of the big w o r l d t h a t lay b e y o n d t h e w i n d o w s o f h e r safe a n d c o m f o r t a b l e h o m e . E v e r y o n e said they were the perfect family a n d i n d e e d they were. G r a c e h a d e v e r y t h i n g t h a t s h e h a d ever w a n t e d . G r a c e h a d e v e r y t h i n g t h a t everyone h a d ever w a n t e d . G r a c e w a s l u c k y . S o w h y d i d s h e o f t e n feel s o sad?

Grace grew m o r e and m o r e depressed. William grew m o r e and more c o n c e r n e d . A l t h o u g h h e tried very h a r d t o u n d e r s t a n d w h y she was s o u n h a p p y , h e c o u l d n o t . Being perfectly h a p p y himself, h e was mystified b y her misery. H e sent her m o r e a n d m o r e flowers t o cheer her up. A l m o s t every d a y n o w a n e w b o u q u e t w o u l d a r r i v e , u n t i l every r o o m w a s f i l l e d w i t h t h e m . B u t still G r a c e w a s o f t e n c r y i n g w h e n h e c a m e h o m e f r o m w o r k . H e b o u g h t h e r a d o g s o s h e w o u l d n ' t b e a l o n e all day. B u t c h was a g o o d d o g a n d the children loved h i m , b u t he wasn't t h e answer to Grace's problems. W i l l i a m p u t big n e w w i n d o w s in the din-

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i n g r o o m s o G r a c e w o u l d n ' t feel s o t r a p p e d . A f t e r t h a t , w h e n W i l l i a m c a m e h o m e f r o m work, h e often f o u n d her staring a t h e r o w n reflect i o n i n t h e glass, d i n n e r n o t m a d e a n d her hair n o t c o m b e d . H e e n couraged her to b u y m o r e designer dresses, m o r e chairs, a n e w linen t a b l e c l o t h , t h e a n t i q u e t e a s e t s h e ' d h a d h e r eye o n f o r m o n t h s . S h o p p i n g h a d always m a d e h e r h a p p y before. But n o t h i n g helped. Sensitive, supportive, a n d k i n d as he was, W i l l i a m once m a d e the mistake of pointing out to Grace h o w lucky she was. T h i s caused h e r t o refuse t o s p e a k t o h i m for three w h o l e days. After that, W i l l i a m h a d to a d m i t there was n o t h i n g he c o u l d do for h e r e x c e p t h o l d h e r p r e t t y h a n d a n d m a k e s y m p a t h e t i c s o u n d s i n the back o f his t h r o a t while she wept. H e tried t o b e p a t i e n t a n d t o k e e p b e l i e v i n g t h a t t h e i r lives w o u l d g e t b a c k t o n o r m a l s o m e d a y s o o n .

O b v i o u s l y G r a c e n e e d e d s o m e o n e else t o t a l k t o . S h e d i d n ' t like t o b u r d e n her m o t h e r with her p r o b l e m s because her m o t h e r a n d father w e r e s o p r o u d o f h e r , s o h a p p y f o r her. S h e c o u l d n o t n o w a d m i t t o t h e m t h a t she was u n h a p p y . T h e y w o u l d b e s o d i s a p p o i n t e d . S h e c o u l d n o t let t h e m d o w n . W h e n e v e r G r a c e talked t o h e r p a r e n t s , she said, " E v e r y t h i n g is wonderful, just wonderful!" A n d of course they believed her. Grace

began

tracking

down

and

calling u p

some

of

her

old

friends. T h e s e were t h e w o m e n w h o h a d b e e n secretly envious o f h e r i n t h e early y e a r s , t h e w o m e n s h e h a d l o s t t o u c h w i t h w h e n h e r c h i l d r e n were small a n d she was t o o busy a n d t o o tired to have friends. T h e s e w e r e t h e w o m e n w h o s e lives, s h e i m a g i n e d , h a d t u r n e d o u t m u c h like h e r o w n . But w h e n Grace t o l d these w o m e n h e r troubles, they were n o t nearly as u n d e r s t a n d i n g as she h a d expected. T h e first w o m a n s a i d , " Y o u t h i n k you've g o t p r o b l e m s ! I've g o t

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varicose veins, chronic back pain, a n d h e m o r r h o i d s . M y h u s b a n d goes o u t a n d gets d r u n k every n i g h t a n d m y d a u g h t e r has green hair a n d three rings in her nose."

T h e s e c o n d w o m a n s a i d , " W h a t are you c o m p l a i n i n g a b o u t ? I ' m t h i r t y p o u n d s o v e r w e i g h t , m y t h i g h s are t h e s i z e o f t r e e s t u m p s , a n d m y h u s b a n d i s sleeping w i t h m y best friend. M y s o n was caught s m o k i n g d o p e a t r e c e s s a n d m y d a u g h t e r w o r s h i p s S a t a n . I've g o t t o g o n o w , I'm getting a migraine." T h e t h i r d w o m a n said, " Y o u d o n ' t k n o w h o w l u c k y y o u are! M y h u s b a n d l o s t h i s j o b a n d I ' m f l i p p i n g b u r g e r s t o m a k e e n d s m e e t . I've

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g o t b u n i o n s , a n u l c e r , a n d m y b r e a s t s are s h r i n k i n g . M y s o n j u s t p o i s o n e d the cat a n d m y d a u g h t e r won't eat m e a t . " T h e f o u r t h w o m a n s a i d , " C r y m e a river! W h a t r i g h t h a v e y o u g o t t o b e u n h a p p y ? M y h u s b a n d left m e f o r a y o u n g e r w o m a n a n d m y lover w e n t b a c k t o h i s w i f e . M y c h i l d r e n are i n t h e r a p y a n d m y h a i r i s falling o u t b e c a u s e o f all t h i s s t r e s s . " S o m e o f these w o m e n offered advice. " H a v e a n o t h e r baby," they s a i d . " H a v e a face lift. H a v e a t u m m y t u c k . H a v e a n affair. H a v e y o u r cake a n d eat it t o o ! " " C o u n t y o u r b l e s s i n g s ! " t h e y all c r i e d . " C o u n t y o u r b l e s s i n g s a n d be quiet!" S o s h e d i d . S h e c o u n t e d h e r b l e s s i n g s like s h e e p , n i g h t a f t e r i n s o m n i a c n i g h t while W i l l i a m s n o r e d o n beside her.

T h e s e were t h e w o m e n w h o m e a n t t o b e warriors. T h e s e were t h e w o m e n w h o h a d fully i n t e n d e d t o t a k e t h e w o r l d b y s t o r m . T h e y h a d t h r o w n off their shackles

and donned the adamant armor of the

women's m o v e m e n t . T h e y h a d wielded the w e a p o n s o f intelligence a n d e q u a l r i g h t s i n o n e h a n d , w h i l e still b r a n d i s h i n g t h e b l e s s i n g s o f beauty a n d femininity i n t h e other. T h e s e were the w o m e n w h o b e l i e v e d t h e y c o u l d h a v e i t all. T h e y h a d e v e r y r e a s o n t o e x p e c t t h a t , after all t h e b a t t l e s t h e y h a d w o n a n d all t h e s t r i d e s t h e y h a d t a k e n , t h e y w o u l d u l t i m a t e l y s p r e a d t h e i r w i n g s a n d b e free. T h e s e w e r e t h e w o m e n w h o h a d i m a g i n e d t h e y w o u l d always b e t r u e t o t h e m s e l v e s , w o u l d f o l l o w t h e i r h e a r t s and t h e i r h e a d s , w o u l d never s u c c u m b to bourgeois conventionality or be held in b o n d a g e by the power of men. T h e y intended to speak out loudly and proudly, p r o c l a i m i n g t h e i r o w n s t o r i e s f o r all t h e w o r l d t o see. T h e y i n t e n d e d t o live lives o f a d v e n t u r e , a c c o m p l i s h m e n t , a n d t h e c o m p l e t e s a t i s f a c t i o n o f t h e i r every d e s i r e .

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T h e s e were the w o m e n w h o said they w o u l d never w o r r y a b o u t aging, w h o i n t e n d e d to wear their wrinkles with pride, w h o w o u l d never dye their hair. T h e y w o u l d b e c o m e wise o l d w o m e n , powerful

l u s t y c r o n e s , r e s p e c t e d a n d r e v e r e d , t h e sage a n d s o v e r e i g n s w a n s o f the p o s t m o d e r n world. A n d when the time came, their swan songs would be exquisite. See w h a t has b e c o m e o f t h e m . L o o k a t t h e m , just l o o k a t t h e m now. Imagine their surprise, their d i s a p p o i n t m e n t , at having e n d e d up here.

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G r a c e t h o u g h t l o n g a n d h a r d a b o u t blessings a n d luck. S h e p o n d e r e d t h e p r o b l e m s o f w o m e n . B u s y w i t h h e r o w n p e r f e c t life, safe i n s i d e h e r o w n b e a u t i f u l h o u s e for all t h e s e y e a r s , s h e h a d n o t fully g r a s p e d t h e e x t e n t o f t h e m , t h e m a g n i t u d e , t h e r a n g e , t h e versatility, t h e s h e e r t i t a n i c n u m b e r o f w a y s a w o m a n ' s life c o u l d g o w r o n g . N o o n e h a d ever w a r n e d h e r t h a t l u c k d i d n o t n e c e s s a r i l y l e a d t o h a p p i n e s s . N o o n e h a d ever w a r n e d h e r t o b e c a r e f u l w h a t s h e w i s h e d for. N o w s h e c o u l d feel t h e m , all t h e u n h a p p y w o m e n w a i t i n g a t t h e b o t t o m of t h e stairs, c l a m o r i n g at t h e gate, rattling their chains. She c o u l d hear their voices, screeching, strident, a n d shrill. O n e b y o n e they cried o u t t o her: "A

faithful,

intelligent,

g r o u n d you walk on!"

handsome

husband

who

worships

the

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" T w o h e a l t h y , clever, w e l l - a d j u s t e d c h i l d r e n w h o r e s p e c t , a d m i r e , a n d love y o u w i t h all t h e i r l i t t l e h e a r t s ! " " A f l a t s t o m a c h , f l a w l e s s s k i n , s t r a i g h t t e e t h , l o n g l e g s , b r e a s t s still p e r k y , b u t t o c k s still f i r m , a n d n o t a s i n g l e s t r e t c h m a r k i n s i g h t ! " "All t h e bills p a i d w i t h o u t worry, t h e m o r t g a g e p a y m e n t m a d e o n t i m e , a n d t h e r e ' s always m o r e w h e r e t h a t c a m e f r o m ! " " A life o f l e i s u r e ! " "A beautiful h o m e ! " " T h e dresses, the hats, the shoes of your dreams!" " A n d it's n o t e n o u g h ! It's j u s t n o t e n o u g h ! " I t w a s still n o t e n o u g h . T h e y b e a t their breasts a n d p u l l e d o u t their hair. T h e y b a n g e d their p r e t t y h e a d s against t h e p r e t t y walls. T h e y t o r e o f f their clothes till t h e r e w e r e h e a v i n g b o s o m s a n d b i g b r o w n n i p p l e s e v e r y w h e r e . T h e y marched by the thousands through the h o t datk night, a stampede of u n h a p p y w o m e n d e m a n d i n g to be heard. T h e y flexed t h e i r l i t t l e m u s c l e s a n d s t a m p e d t h e i r d a i n t y feet. T h e y r a n t e d a n d raved, they bellowed a n d roared,

they hollered a n d g r u m b l e d and

h o w l e d . T h e y w h i p p e d t h e m s e l v e s i n t o a f r e n z y u n t i l , e v e n t u a l l y , exh a u s t e d , t h e y q u i v e r e d a n d s t u m b l e d a n d fell t o t h e g r o u n d i n a h e a p . T h e y w h i m p e r e d a n d sniveled a n d wept. But n o o n e heard t h e m . N o one listened. N o o n e except Grace.

T h e p r o b l e m s o f w o m e n , G r a c e r e a l i z e d n o w , w e r e like a s w a r m i n g plague o f locusts let loose u p o n the land. T h e y h a d sagging breasts,

baggy buttocks,

double

chins,

and

wrinkles. T h e y h a d varicose veins, cellulite, stretch m a r k s , a n d m u s taches. T h e y h a d chronic depression a n d low self-esteem. T h e y h a d m e n s t r u a l c r a m p s , yeast infections, ovarian cysts, a n d vaginal itching. They had menopause.

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T h e y had unfaithful h u s b a n d s , ungrateful children, and u n d e r p a i d jobs. T h e y h a d unsatisfied longings, unarticulated yearnings,

frus-

t r a t e d a m b i t i o n s , a n d t h w a r t e d desires. T h e y h a d h o u s e w o r k .

T h e y had nothing to look forward to but m o r e of the same.

B y n o w G r a c e w a s s o d e p r e s s e d , s o m e m o r n i n g s s h e c o u l d n ' t even g e t o u t o f b e d . T h e c h i l d r e n w e r e s o b u s y w i t h t h e i r o w n lives t h a t t h e y h a r d l y n o t i c e d . T h e y d i d , h o w e v e r , s t o p i n v i t i n g t h e i r f r i e n d s over after s c h o o l f o r fear o f f i n d i n g G r a c e still i n b e d o r s t a n d i n g i n h e r n i g h t -

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gown staring at herself in the dining r o o m w i n d o w s or the full-length m i r r o r , h e r h a i r all m a t t e d a n d a h a l f - e a t e n b o x o f d o u g h n u t s i n h e r hand. W i l l i a m carefully s u g g e s t e d t h a t p e r h a p s i t w a s t i m e f o r p r o f e s sional help. He arranged an a p p o i n t m e n t with a d o c t o r r e p u t e d to be t h e very b e s t i n t h e f i e l d o f f e m a l e p r o b l e m s . B e c a u s e G r a c e w a s s o i n c a p a c i t a t e d , t h i s d o c t o r g e n e r o u s l y a g r e e d t o m a k e a h o u s e call.

First he coaxed Grace o u t of bed and then he proceeded to examine her. H e was t h o r o u g h a n d k i n d . H e s h o n e a little light i n t o her eyes a n d t h e n i n t o h e r ears. H e t e s t e d h e r reflexes w h i c h w e r e s l u g g i s h a n d t o o k h e r p u l s e w h i c h w a s slow. H e s l i p p e d h i s c o l d s t e t h o s c o p e inside her n i g h t g o w n and listened to her heart b o t h front and back. H e p a t t e d h e r h a n d w h i c h was l i m p a n d checked h e r b l o o d pressure w h i c h w a s low. H e a s k e d i f s h e h a d h e a d a c h e s , d o u b l e v i s i o n , n a u s e a ,

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f l a t u l e n c e , o t t i n g l i n g i n h e r f i n g e r s a n d t o e s . H e a s k e d after t h e c o n d i t i o n o f h e r r e p r o d u c t i v e o r g a n s w h i c h w e r e f i n e a n d after h e r s t a t e of m i n d which, obviously, was n o t . W h e n h e was f i n i s h e d , h e smiled sympathetically a n d n o d d e d his wise head. H e p o i n t e d a t h e r w i t h o n e l o n g f i n g e r a n d said, "You, m y d e a r , are i n t e r r i b l e s h a p e ! " G r a c e a l r e a d y k n e w t h i s . " C a n you help me?" she whispered desperately. " O f course I can," he answered heartily. " O f course I can h e l p y o u , b u t y o u r case calls f o r d r a s t i c m e a s u r e s . " H e t u r n e d t o l o o k a t t h e clock o n t h e wall. " C o m e n o w , c o m e n o w , there's n o t i m e t o waste!"

T h e d o c t o r led G r a c e d o w n t h e stairs a n d i n t o her beautiful k i t c h e n . G r a c e d i d n o t q u e s t i o n h i m . H e was a d o c t o r . S h e t r u s t e d h i m . He asked her to take off her clothes. She did. H e a s k e d h e r t o lie d o w n o n t h e t a b l e . S h e d i d . T h e w h i t e l i n e n tablecloth was clean a n d soft b e n e a t h her n a k e d back. H e t o u c h e d her elegant neck a n d her graceful shoulders. H e p a t t e d h e r l o n g a u b u r n hair w h i c h h u n g over t h e edge o f t h e table. H e admired her generous but n o t floppy breasts and her shapely but n o t heavy hips. H e c o m p l i m e n t e d her o n her f l a t s t o m a c h a n d her tasteful navel. H e c o v e r e d h e r l o n g legs a n d h e r d a i n t y l i t t l e feet w i t h t h e e n d o f the tablecloth a n d t h e n placed a white dish towel on her chest. H e o p e n e d his medical bag a n d t o o k o u t a needle. T h e prick i n h e r a r m w a s s o s m a l l s h e h a r d l y felt it. A s G r a c e b e g a n t o fall a s l e e p , t h e k i t c h e n f i l l e d w i t h s t r e a m i n g b e a m s of sunlight a n d pearly pillowy clouds. Angels gathered, the spirits of w o m e n , w o u l d - b e warriors, itinerant swans. M u s i c played, a rousing m a r c h of ascension interspersed with female voices, chanting. T h e d o c t o r held a knife in his h a n d .

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H e l e a n e d over G r a c e , s m i l i n g s y m p a t h e t i c a l l y a n d n o d d i n g h i s wise head. H e m a d e o n e c a r e f u l c u t t o h e r left b r e a s t . A n o t h e r cut. Another. T h e r e was n o b l o o d . T h e r e was n o p a i n . A n d then he ripped her heart out.

v o i d t h e t e m p t a t i o n s o f envy, p r i d e , fast f o o d , a n d daytime T V talk shows. S u c c u m b i n g t o the t e m p t a t i o n of envy will t u r n y o u i n t o a b i t t e r a n d t w i s t e d p e r s o n w h o i s u n a b l e t o s h a r e i n t h e h a p p y l o v e affairs a n d d a z z l i n g c a r e e r t r i u m p h s o f y o u r f r i e n d s . W h e n t h e y call y o u all e x c i t e d t o tell y o u h o w w o n d e r f u l t h e i r lives are, y o u will change t h e subject. S o o n they will s t o p calling a n d y o u w i l l e n d u p n o t o n l y b i t t e r a n d t w i s t e d , b u t v e r y l o n e l y a s well. Y o u w i l l h a v e t o g o f o r l u n c h all b y yourself. If, o n t h e o t h e r h a n d , y o u s u c c u m b t o t h e t e m p t a t i o n o f p r i d e a n d go a r o u n d telling everyone a b o u t y o u r m a n y career a c c o m p l i s h m e n t s a n d y o u r a m a z i n g sex life, y o u t o o w i l l e n d u p h a v i n g l u n c h a l o n e . ( D e s p i t e all t h o s e s e l f - h e l p b o o k s t o u t i n g t h e i m p o r t a n c e o f h i g h s e l f - e s t e e m , m o s t p e o p l e , w h e n f a c e d w i t h i t i n r e a l life, f i n d i t very annoying. M o s t p e o p l e prefer t o h a n g a r o u n d w i t h o t h e r s w h o s e self-esteem is as low as their o w n . ) O n e o b v i o u s a n t i d o t e t o b o t h envy a n d p r i d e i s gossip. I f y o u k n o w a s e c r e t a b o u t o n e o f y o u r f o r m e r f r i e n d s , y o u are h o n o r - b o u n d t o tell i t t o t h e r e s t o f t h e g r o u p . T h e y , o f c o u r s e , m u s t b e s w o r n t o secrecy before they can t h e n g o a h e a d a n d spread t h e nasty r u m o r around. R e m e m b e r that gossip is no g o o d without names, dates, and g r a p h i c details. R e m e m b e r t h a t everything y o u say can a n d will be u s e d a g a i n s t y o u o n c e i t f i n d s its w a y b a c k , a s i t a l w a y s d o e s , t o t h e p e r s o n w h o s e beans you spilled. T h e e n d r e s u l t o f all t h i s envy, p r i d e , a n d g o s s i p w i l l b e a n u m b e r of upscale d o w n t o w n restaurants fdled each day at n o o n w i t h welld r e s s e d p e o p l e h a v i n g l u n c h a t p r e t t y l i t t l e t a b l e s f o r o n e . T h e y all

199

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r e a d w h i l e t h e y e a t s o a s t o a v o i d h a v i n g t o m e e t t h e eyes o f t h e o t h e r solitary diners. A t this u n c o m f o r t a b l e j u n c t u r e , y o u m a y f i n d yourself fleeing t o t h e fast f o o d o u t l e t a c r o s s t h e s t r e e t w h e r e y o u c a n i n d u l g e i n a g r e a s y d o u b l e c h e e s e b u r g e r a n d a S t y r o f o a m b u c k e t o f fries a n d g r a v y w i t h o u t r u n n i n g the risk of seeing anyone you know. It is here ( a n d only h e r e ) t h a t y o u m a y safely e n g a g e i n a n a n i m a t e d c o n v e r s a t i o n w i t h a total stranger at the next table a b o u t the talk show you saw on M o n day afternoon

w h e n y o u left w o r k

early a n d t h e t o p i c w a s

"My

M o t h e r I s H a v i n g M y Boyfriend's Baby." I t i s here ( a n d only h e r e ) o n your orange plastic chair at your white plastic table, eating off y o u r b r o w n p l a s t i c tray, t h a t y o u m a y safely a d m i t t h a t y o u love t h e s e s h o w s b e c a u s e t h e y p r o v e t h a t t h e w o r l d i s full o f l o s e r s w h o s e lives a r e m u c h m o r e miserable than your own.

e i r o n i c w h e n e v e r p o s s i b l e . I n t h i s age o f a n x i e t y a s e n s e o f h u m o r m a y b e y o u r m o s t v a l u a b l e asset. Learn t o s p o t ironic o p p o r t u n i t i e s everywhere. M a k e sarcastic c o m m e n t s a b o u t a n y t h i n g c o m m o n l y h e l d dear t o m o s t (less clever) people's h e a r t s . C o n v e r s a tions n o t filled with witty repartee and self-congratulatory laughter are s e l d o m w o r t h h a v i n g . N e v e r b e n a i v e o r s e n t i m e n t a l u n l e s s y o u c a n d o s o i n a n i r o n i c way. I f y o u t a k e p l e a s u r e i n c e r t a i n p a s t i m e s w h i c h a r e n o l o n g e r c o n s i d e r e d c h i c , b e s u r e t o d o s o i r o n i c a l l y . If, f o r i n stance, y o u b e l o n g to a weekend bowling league, b u y your o w n t w o t o n e d bowling shoes and a turquoise marblized bowling ball with a m o n o g r a m m e d vinyl c a r r y i n g bag. T o b e c o m e a t r u e m a s t e r o f irony, y o u m u s t learn t o b e ironic w i t h o u t even o p e n i n g y o u r m o u t h . A d o p t a n ironic smile, a n ironic w a r d r o b e , a n i r o n i c ( b u t n o t u n f l a t t e r i n g ) h a i r s t y l e , a n d , a b o v e all, a n

RULES

OF

T H U M B :

AN

ALPHABET

OF

IMPERATIVES

201

ironic p o s t u r e w h i c h will enable y o u to l o u n g e ironically against any available v e r t i c a l s u r f a c e w h i l e s i p p i n g a n i r o n i c glass o f P e r r i e r w a t e r o r i m p o r t e d draft beer. After yet a n o t h e r evening s p e n t smiling a n d slouching while occas i o n a l l y f l i n g i n g a b o u t clever i n s u l t s a n d a p h o r i s m s , y o u m a y w i n d u p a t h o m e a l o n e feeling a l i t t l e a s h a m e d o f yourself, a l i t t l e d i r t y p e r h a p s , a l i t t l e less t h a n g e n u i n e . I t i s safe t o d i s r e g a r d t h e s e n i g g l i n g m i s g i v i n g s b e c a u s e , after a g o o d n i g h t ' s s l e e p , y o u w i l l w a k e u p f e e l i n g r e f r e s h e d a n d i r o n i c all o v e r a g a i n . T h i s i s t h e b e a u t y o f i r o n y : o n c e y o u ' v e g o t t h e h a n g o f it, y o u ' l l n e v e r h a v e t o t a k e y o u r s e l f s e r i o u s l y again. ( A w o r d o f c a u t i o n : T h e r e a r e still s o m e b e h a v i o r s a n d p a s t i m e s w h i c h can never be categorized as ironic. T h e s e include: c o m m i t t i n g any type of violent a n d / o r sexual crime, displaying racist lawn o r n a m e n t s in y o u r front yard, wearing a m i n k coat, collecting s t a m p s , owls, or unicorns, reading p o r n o g r a p h i c magazines, vomiting in someone else's car, a n d s l e e p i n g w i t h y o u r b e s t f r i e n d ' s s p o u s e . )

o n s i d e r y o u r s e l f l u c k y if y o u h a v e a s a t i s f y i n g career, a loving p a r t n e r , or a well-insulated ( a n d tastefully d e c o r a t e d ) r o o f o v e r y o u r h e a d . I f y o u h a v e all t h r e e o f these, consider yourself miraculous. T r y n o t to dwell o n t h e fact t h a t y o u r p e r f e c t life i s p r o b a b l y t o o g o o d t o b e t r u e a n d s o i s m o r e t h a n likely t o fall a p a r t a n y m i n u t e n o w . T r y n o t to be overcome t o o often by a sense of i m p e n d i n g d o o m . I f y o u find t h a t y o u m u s t associate ( t h r o u g h n o fault o f y o u r o w n ) w i t h p e o p l e w h o s e lives a r e g e n e r a l l y a m e s s , t r y n o t t o b e s m u g . T r y to be sympathetic and encouraging. Assure t h e m repeatedly that s o m e d a y t h e i r s h i p t o o w i l l c o m e i n . I n t h e m e a n t i m e h a n g o n fiercely t o all t h a t y o u h a v e g o t a n d d o n o t l e n d t h e m m o n e y , y o u r t r e n c h c o a t ,

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o r y o u r car. ( S h a r i n g i s a n o b l e c o n c e p t w h i c h s h o u l d b e i n s t i l l e d i n all small children b u t is advisable to g r o w o u t of once you b e c o m e a successful a d u l t . ) I f t h e s e h a p l e s s p e o p l e a n n o y i n g l y p e r s i s t i n h a r p i n g o n h o w l u c k y y o u are, p o i n t o u t t o t h e m t h a t i t w a s n o t l u c k , i t w a s j u s t g o o d p l a n n i n g o n y o u r p a r t . A s s u r e t h e m r e p e a t e d l y t h a t life i s w h a t you m a k e it a n d that, in t h e end, everybody gets w h a t they deserve.

evelop a taste for foreign food. T h i s d o e s n o t m e a n pizza, spaghetti, egg rolls, fortune cookies, French fries, o r F r e n c h t o a s t . T h i s m e a n s e l a b o r a t e u n u s u a l dishes with unpronounceable names featuring many e x o t i c ( a n d e x p e n s i v e ) i n g r e d i e n t s available o n l y i n specialty stores (or, in extreme cases, by m a i l o r d e r ) . P u r c h a s i n g these i n g r e d i e n t s w i l l n e c e s s i t a t e r u n n i n g all o v e r t o w n , p o p p i n g i n a n d o u t o f s m a l l f r a g r a n t s t o r e s all d a y l o n g w i t h y o u r r e c i p e c l u t c h e d i n y o u r h a n d . A l t h o u g h this m a y b e r a t h e r t i m e - c o n s u m i n g , y o u will b e s p a r e d t h e u n f o r t u n a t e experience of s h o p p i n g in a large s u p e r m a r k e t where y o u w o u l d b e forced, u n d e r unflattering fluorescent lighting, t o r u b c a r t s w i t h all m a n n e r o f u n i n t e r e s t i n g p e o p l e i n t e n t o n a c c u m u l a t i n g a w h o l e week's s u p p l y o f wieners, W o n d e r bread, c a n n e d peas, C h e e z W h i z , a n d H a m b u r g e r H e l p e r ( w i t h w h i c h they will t h e n feed their m a n y c h i l d r e n w h o are n o w r i d i n g a r o u n d i n t h e i r s h o p p i n g c a r t s w h i l e s c r e a m i n g a t t h e t o p o f t h e i r l u n g s a n d t h r o w i n g jars o f M i r a c l e W h i p o n the floor). By perfecting y o u r eclectic m e a l - b y - m e a l m a r k e t i n g t e c h n i q u e , y o u will eventually find it necessary to venture i n t o a s u p e r m a r k e t only o c casionally, to p u r c h a s e such u n a m u s i n g a n d yet useful staples as floor wax, l a u n d r y detergent, dish soap, a n d toilet paper. ( P l e a s e n o t e : If, i n t i m e s o f s t r e s s o r l a z i n e s s , y o u still h a r b o r a r e s i d u a l f o n d n e s s f o r c e r t a i n f o o d s available o n l y i n s u p e r m a r k e t s —

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i t e m s s u c h a s b u t t e r s c o t c h p u d d i n g , f r o z e n waffles, S p a m , o r F r o o t L o o p s — r e m e m b e r that these s h o u l d be c o n s u m e d only in the privacy of y o u r o w n h o m e , preferably late at n i g h t while watching television in your flannelette pajamas a n d your b u n n y slippers. Such deviant indulg e n c e s a r e a c c e p t a b l e o n l y i f y o u refer t o t h e m a s comfort food a n d n o b o d y else ever sees y o u e a t i n g t h e m . )

xhibit a m a r k e d sartorial preference

for t h e

color

black, especially if y o u are involved (even m a r g i n a l l y ) in pursuits of an artistic or literary nature. W h a t e v e r t h e occasion, black is always n o t o n l y acceptable b u t positively preferable. W h e n s h o p p i n g for clothes, y o u will b e p l e a s e d t o discover t h a t t h e r e i s a p p a r e n t l y n o l i m i t t o t h e v a r i a t i o n s available w i t h i n t h i s c o l o r s c h e m e . B l a c k c l o t h e s , y o u w i l l o b s e r v e , a r e like s n o w f l a k e s : n o t w o o f t h e m e x a c t l y alike. Y o u s h o u l d a c q u i r e a s m a n y v e r s i o n s a s p o s s i b l e of: t h e little black dress, t h e little black suit, t h e little black shirt, t h e little black sweater, t h e little black skirt, a n d t h e little black p a i r o f p a n t s . A s far a s a c c e s s o r i e s a r e c o n c e r n e d , y o u w i l l w a n t t o a c c u m u l a t e a c o m p r e h e n s i v e s e l e c t i o n o f b l a c k b e l t s , b l a c k gloves, b l a c k s t o c k i n g s , black scarves, a n d black shoes. (Black u n d e r w e a r remains a m a t t e r of p e r s o n a l p r e f e r e n c e a n d is, y o u s h o u l d r e a l i z e , o f t e n m i s u n d e r s t o o d . ) A b l a c k l e a t h e r jacket, n o l o n g e r w o r n o n l y t o a c c e s s o r i z e a m o t o r cycle, i s n o w c o n s i d e r e d t a s t e f u l a c r o s s all s o c i a l s t r a t a . T h e versatility o f black clothing k n o w s n o b o u n d s . N o t only does a n a l l - b l a c k w a r d r o b e elevate t h e n o t i o n o f m i x - a n d - m a t c h t o a f i n e a r t , i t a l s o b e a r s n o s e a s o n a l r e s t r i c t i o n s . A l t h o u g h i t i s still c o n s i d e r e d déclassé t o w e a r w h i t e after L a b o r D a y , b l a c k i s a s w e l c o m e a t a p i c n i c a s at a C h r i s t m a s p a r t y . I f o n o c c a s i o n y o u feel t h e u r g e t o b r e a k o u t o f t h i s m o n o c h r o -

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matism you may introduce (with discretion and restraint) items of the f o l l o w i n g c o l o r s : w h i t e , o f f - w h i t e , e g g s h e l l , ivory, e c r u , b e i g e , t a n , ocher, a n d oyster. U n d e r no circumstances whatsoever is it permissible to include anything in lime green, h o t pink, or fluorescent orange. Ind e e d , i f t h e s t o r e i n w h i c h y o u a r e s h o p p i n g d o e s sell c l o t h i n g i n a n y o f these c o l o r s , y o u are i n t h e w r o n g place a n d s h o u l d evacuate t h e premises immediately.

ind yourself a good therapist whether you think you n e e d o n e o r n o t . C h a n c e s are t h a t i f y o u d o n ' t n e e d o n e right now, s o o n e r or later ( p r o b a b l y s o o n e r ) you will. T h e

choice of a therapist is

a complicated

p r o c e s s i n w h i c h y o u m u s t give l e n g t h y c o n s i d e r a t i o n t o t h e age, g e n d e r , w a r d r o b e , s e x u a l o r i e n t a t i o n , a n d e d u c a t i o n a l c r e dentials o f each c a n d i d a t e . D o n o t neglect t o also evaluate t h e issues o f office l o c a t i o n a n d decor. D o y o u r research t h o r o u g h l y t o g a t h e r a clear p i c t u r e o f e a c h c a n d i d a t e ' s s u c c e s s r a t e w i t h o t h e r c l i e n t s . If, f o r example, t h e m o s t m a l a d j u s t e d insane p e r s o n y o u k n o w has b e e n seei n g t h e s a m e t h e r a p i s t t w i c e a w e e k f o r t h e p a s t t w e n t y years w i t h n o signs o f p r o g r e s s , d o n o t g o there. A l s o b e wary o f any t h e r a p i s t w h o sees y o u r s p o u s e , y o u r e x - s p o u s e , y o u r lover, y o u r o t h e r lover, y o u r b e s t f r i e n d , y o u r b o s s , o r y o u r c l e a n i n g lady. T h e a d v a n t a g e t o e n g a g i n g a t h e r a p i s t well i n a d v a n c e o f a crisis i s t h a t b y t h e t i m e y o u d o fall a p a r t c o m p l e t e l y , y o u a n d y o u r t h e r a p i s t will have already m a d e y o u r way t h r o u g h t h e e m o t i o n a l scars i n c u r r e d b e t w e e n t h e ages o f t h r e e a n d t w e l v e , t h e s o u l - d e s t r o y i n g h u m i l i a t i o n o f a d o l e s c e n c e , t h e s u b s t a n c e a b u s e o f early a d u l t h o o d , a n d t h e v o l c a n i c e r u p t i o n o f y o u r first m a r r i a g e . T h e s e i s s u e s h a v i n g b e e n r e solved, y o u will n o w b e able t o t e n d , w i t h o u t f u r t h e r ado, t o t h e nervous breakdown at hand.

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loss over any p a s t i n c i d e n t s o r i n d i s c r e t i o n s w h i c h d o n o t s h o w you in your best light. T h e r e is no n e e d to ever m e n t i o n , for i n s t a n c e , t h e w e e k e n d y o u w e n t b a r h o p p i n g w i t h a m o t o r c y c l e g a n g , t h e year y o u w e r e flat b r o k e a n d d e v e l o p e d a taste for Kraft D i n n e r a n d fried b a l o n e y , o r t h e t i m e y o u g o t d r u n k a t a p a r t y a n d s p e n t t h e night with a short-order cook whose name you couldn't remember in t h e m o r n i n g . Save s u c h u n f l a t t e r i n g r e m i n i s c e n c e s f o r y o u r t h e r a p i s t . A n y n o t i o n t h a t a b o u t of t r u e confessions will be perceived by o t h e r s a s e n d e a r i n g a n d t h a t t h e y w i l l like y o u m o r e f o r y o u r u n f l i n c h i n g h o n e s t y i s c o m p l e t e l y false. T h e t r u t h i s n o t h i n g c a n p o s s i b l y b e accomplished by making yourself look bad and the people to w h o m y o u h a v e c o n f e s s e d s u c h e p i s o d e s w i l l n e v e r l e t y o u live t h e m d o w n . Rather, a d o p t a revisionist stance toward your o w n history. Your g o a l s h o u l d b e t o m a k e e v e r y b o d y b e l i e v e t h a t y o u h a v e always b e e n a s v i r t u o u s , s o p h i s t i c a t e d , a n d affluent as y o u are now.

ave a n o p i n i o n o n e v e r y t h i n g . G i v e t h e d i s t i n c t i m pression t h a t n o t h i n g in the m o d e r n w o r l d has escaped your notice. Exhibit the astounding range of your knowledge as often as possible. T h i s knowledge s h o u l d e n c o m p a s s all s u b j e c t areas. Y o u s h o u l d , f o r i n s t a n c e , b e w e l l - v e r s e d i n p o l i t i c s a t t h e w o r l d level. ( F a m i l i a r i t y w i t h municipal politics is optional, n o t mandatory.) You m u s t keep abreast o f b o t h national a n d global c u r r e n t events. B e sure t h o u g h t h a t you a r e n e v e r p e r c e i v e d t o b e a c t u a l l y studying s u c h i s s u e s . Y o u are m u c h t o o b u s y f o r t h a t . P e o p l e w i l l m a r v e l a t h o w w e l l - i n f o r m e d y o u are a n d conclude t h a t you m u s t have acquired such a wealth of i n f o r m a t i o n by osmosis. Y o u s h o u l d b e a n e x p e r t o n all f o r m s o f a r t , m u s i c , t h e a t e r , d a n c e ,

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a n d l i t e r a t u r e . H a v e a n o p i n i o n o n all c o n t e m p o r a r y b o o k s w h e t h e r y o u h a v e a c t u a l l y r e a d t h e m o r n o t . T h e s a m e g o e s for m o v i e s , b o t h f o r e i g n a n d d o m e s t i c , w h i c h y o u m u s t always refer t o a s films. I t i s t o y o u r a d v a n t a g e t o a l s o h a v e a n o p i n i o n o n all r e c e n t m e d i c a l a n d d i e t a r y i n n o v a t i o n s , all t e c h n o l o g i c a l a d v a n c e s , w e a t h e r p a t t e r n s , f a s h i o n t r e n d s , a n d high-profile m u r d e r trials. D o n o t b e shy a b o u t expressing said o p i n i o n s o n everything. D o so with complete certainty and unshakable equanimity. Do so in an a s s e r t i v e a n d c o n f i d e n t m a n n e r w h i c h m a k e s all d i s s e n t i n g o p i n i o n s l o o k ridiculous. ( D o n o t w i t h h o l d j u d g m e n t for any reason. D o n o t suffer f o o l s gladly.) I f ever y o u d o f i n d y o u r s e l f i n t h e d i s t r e s s i n g s i t u a t i o n o f b e i n g w i t h o u t a n o p i n i o n , agree repeatedly w i t h the o p i n i o n w h i c h s o u n d s closest to t h e o p i n i o n y o u w o u l d have if you h a d one. Register this agreement by repeatedly exclaiming with p r o f o u n d enthusiasm, " A b solutely!"

m p l y t h a t if you were in charge, t h e w o r l d w o u l d be a m u c h k i n d e r , cleaner, m o r e c i v i l i z e d p l a c e : a p l a c e l o n g s i n c e m a d e free o f r a p m u s i c , p a n h a n d l e r s , v a c u u m cleaner salesmen, telemarketers, r u d e p a r k i n g lot a t t e n d a n t s , velvet p a i n t i n g s , r o m a n c e n o v e l s , p l a s t i c c u t l e r y , S t y r o f o a m coffee c u p s , f r o z e n p i z z a , a n d all d e s s e r t s f e a t u r i n g colored marshmallows a n d shredded coconut. Indicate that, u p o n the eventual a s s u m p t i o n of your rightful position as worldwide arbiter of g o o d taste, y o u will i m m e d i a t e l y i m p l e m e n t a p o l i c y of zero tolerance f o r p o l y e s t e r , s p a n d e x , c r u s h e d velvet, o r a n g e s a t i n b e d s p r e a d s , a n d leopardskin stretchies.

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o i n a variety of clubs a n d / o r service o r g a n i z a t i o n s at w h i c h y o u are likely t o m e e t p e o p l e even m o r e i n t e r e s t ing a n d influential t h a n the p e o p l e y o u already know. H a v i n g j o i n e d t h e d o w n t o w n fitness club, for instance, you m a y o n e day find yourself on the rowing machine next t o t h e m a n w h o o w n s the m o s t prestigious art gallery i n t o w n . I n t h e e v e n t o f s u c h a f o r t u i t o u s e n c o u n t e r , y o u m u s t b e able t o i n i t i a t e a n d c o n d u c t a n intelligent critical discussion o f surrealism w i t h o u t g r u n t i n g , m o a n i n g , or d r i p p i n g sweat in this man's general direction. T h e decision of which club to grace with your presence m u s t be c o n s i d e r e d v e r y carefully. D o n o t j o i n a s i n g l e s c l u b u n l e s s y o u a r e i n d e e d single. D o n o t join any g r o u p t h a t h o l d s seances d u r i n g w h i c h t h e m e m b e r s a t t e m p t t o c o n t a c t t h e s p i r i t s o f t h e i r d e a d relatives w i t h a O u i j a b o a r d . D o n o t j o i n a n y c l u b w h o s e m e m b e r s are r e q u i r e d t o p e r f o r m a secret h a n d s h a k e a n d wear unattractive u n i f o r m s (such as white sheets or shiny red suits w i t h funny tasseled hats). Do n o t join a n y o r g a n i z a t i o n w h i c h refers t o its p l a c e o f m e e t i n g a s " t h e c l u b h o u s e . " I n s u c h a case, y o u h a v e b l u n d e r e d i n t o e i t h e r a p r e s c h o o l p l a y g r o u p or a motorcycle gang. (Please n o t e : If y o u d e c i d e to j o i n a club w h i c h involves any a t h l e t i c activity, b e i t d o w n h i l l s k i i n g , s y n c h r o n i z e d s w i m m i n g , l a w n b o w l i n g , b a d m i n t o n , t e n n i s , o r d a r t s , b e sure t h a t y o u are already p r o ficient in this activity so as to avoid i n c u r r i n g serious injury or e m b a r rassing yourself in front of a b u n c h of total strangers.)

n o w that other people m a y n o t find your children as charming as you do. Even those people who apparently d o t e u p o n their o w n children t o the p o i n t o f distraction m a y n o t d o t e similarly u p o n yours.

Be

aware that, a l t h o u g h m a n y traditional n o t i o n s have

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fallen b y t h e w a y s i d e o v e r t h e y e a r s , t h e o l d a d a g e t h a t c h i l d r e n s h o u l d b e s e e n a n d n o t h e a r d r e m a i n s a s t r u e t o d a y a s i t ever w a s . I n d e e d y o u m a y n o w e x p a n d this g o o d advice t o include the codicil t h a t children s h o u l d n o t b e seen t o o often o r heard a b o u t t o o m u c h . R e m e m b e r t h a t s m a l l c h i l d r e n are s e l d o m w e l c o m e a t fine r e s t a u r a n t s , p o e t r y r e a d i n g s , o r t h e o p e r a . ( T h e y are a l s o n o t p o p u l a r o n airplanes b u t s o m e t i m e s their presence in such a situation is unavoida b l e . ) R e m e m b e r t h a t s m a l l c h i l d r e n are m o s t e n j o y a b l e t o o t h e r s w h e n t h e y are a t h o m e a s l e e p u n d e r t h e w a t c h f u l care o f a reliable b a b y s i t t e r . S e c u r i n g t h e services of said babysitter is an i m p o r t a n t subject n o t u s u a l l y c o v e r e d i n p r e n a t a l classes b u t i t s h o u l d b e . A r r a n g e m e n t s f o t s u c h s u p p l e m e n t a r y c h i l d care s h o u l d b e m a d e well i n a d v a n c e o f t h e b i r t h itself. E v e n b e f o r e y o u b e g i n d e c o r a t i n g t h e n u r s e r y , y o u s h o u l d b e c o m p i l i n g a n e x t e n s i v e list o f p e o p l e w h o will b e a v a i l a b l e a t a m o m e n t ' s n o t i c e f o r t h e n e x t t h i r t e e n y e a r s o r so. T h e m o s t d e s i r a b l e b a b y s i t t e r s are a d u l t s w h o h a v e n o s o c i a l lives o f t h e i r o w n . N o t o n l y are t h e y likely t o b e m o r e r e s p o n s i b l e , b u t t h e y w o n ' t h a v e t o b e h o m e by t e n o'clock w h e n the p a r t y you're g o i n g to doesn't start until nine-thirty. ( A s m a l l b u t i m p o r t a n t p o i n t : I t i s still c o n s i d e r e d g o o d p a r e n t i n g p r a c t i c e t o c a r r y p h o t o g r a p h s o f y o u r c h i l d r e n i n y o u r w a l l e t a t all times. However, when showing these around at a business luncheon or a fancy d i n n e r party, r e m e m b e r t h a t the m a x i m u m of t w o p h o t o g r a p h s per child m u s t be strictly observed.)

eave t h e c o n t e m p l a t i o n o f t h e q u e s t i o n " W h a t i s t h e m e a n i n g o f life?" t o o t h e r s w h o s e t e m p e r a m e n t s m a k e t h e m m o r e n a t u r a l l y s u i t e d t o t h e t a s k : t h a t i s t o say, philosophers, poets, Tibetan monks, and other depressive t y p e s w h o i n h a b i t t h e fringes o f m o d e r n s o c i e t y .

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T h i s q u e s t i o n invariably leads, b y s o m e p r o c e s s o f m e t a p h y s i c a l m u t a t i o n , t o m o r e q u e s t i o n s like: " W h o a m I really? W h y a m I h e r e ? I s t h e t e life a f t e r d e a t h ? W h o i n v e n t e d p l a s t i c r a i n h a t s ? W h y d o w e w a n t b l u e t o i l e t w a t e r ? " P r o l o n g e d s p e c u l a t i o n i n t h e s e areas w i l l l e a d y o u t o t h e c o n c l u s i o n t h a t such q u e s t i o n s have n o answers. T h i s i n t u r n w i l l l e a d t o a m i g r a i n e h e a d a c h e a n d t h e s u s p i c i o n t h a t life m a y n o t b e w o r t h l i v i n g after all. R e m e m b e r t h a t , a l t h o u g h a s e n s e o f s t y l e , a full p a s s p o r t , a n d a n A r m a n i s u i t m a y n o t m a k e y o u r life m o r e m e a n i n g f u l , t h e y w i l l d e f i nitely m a k e it m o r e satisfying. Just as it is n o t necessary to u n d e r s t a n d t h e w o r k i n g s o f t h e i n t e r n a l c o m b u s t i o n engine i n o r d e r t o drive y o u r silver L e x u s , s i m i l a r l y , u n d e r s t a n d i n g t h e m e a n i n g o f life i s n o t a p r e r e q u i s i t e t o l i v i n g well. R e m e m b e r t h a t a n e w silver L e x u s w i t h a g e n uine leather a n d w o o d interior operates on the same principle as an o l d yellow H o n d a Civic w i t h n o muffler. W h i c h w o u l d y o u rather drive? N o w t h e r e i s a q u e s t i o n t h a t b e a r s a s k i n g . (A helpful hint: If you do occasionally find that this meaning-oflife issue i n s i s t s u p o n r e a r i n g its u g l y h e a d d e s p i t e y o u r b e s t e f f o r t s t o i g n o r e it, i t i s b e s t t o d i s c u s s i t w i t h , a n d o n l y w i t h , y o u r t h e r a p i s t . S u c h topics d o n o t , generally speaking, m a k e for scintillating d i n n e r c o n v e r s a t i o n a n d y o u r s o c i a l life w i l l s u f f e r a c c o r d i n g l y . Y o u r t h e r a pist, however, m a y b e able t o s h e d s o m e light o n this p a r t i c u l a r c o n u n d r u m a n d w i l l b e h a p p y t o i n t r o d u c e y o u t o s u c h t e r m s a s existentialism, midlife crisis, a n d clinically depressed!)

a s t e r m a n y u s e f u l a n d u n u s u a l skills i n y o u r s p a r e t i m e . T h e possibilities here are endless. F o r starters, y o u s h o u l d learn h o w t o b l o w glass, raise p e a c o c k s , play water p o l o , b u i l d a log cabin, m i x concrete, m a k e lace, m i l k a c o w , p l a y t h e c l a r i n e t , fly a s m a l l p l a n e , m a k e

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paper, spin wool, change a car engine, g r o w orchids, m a k e pretzels, a n d c a r v e d u c k d e c o y s . ( O f c o u r s e y o u are a l r e a d y a n e x p e r t a t b a k i n g , sewing, weaving, goldsmithing, c o m p u t e r p r o g r a m m i n g , a n d u n d e r water photography.) T h e m o r e skills y o u m a s t e r , t h e m o r e p e o p l e w i l l a d m i r e y o u t o y o u r face a n d call y o u n a s t y n a m e s b e h i n d y o u r b a c k . B e p a t i e n t w i t h t h e m . T h e y are just jealous. S u g g e s t t h a t t h e y t o o m i g h t benefit i m measurably from an evening course in origami, upholstery, or the hist o r y o f art. U n l e s s o f course they w o u l d prefer t h a t you t u t o r t h e m yourself.

ever w e a r e a r r i n g s

s h a p e d like

cats,

dogs,

horses,

p u m p k i n s , turkeys, p a l m trees, or Santa Claus. Never use cheap s h a m p o o . N e v e r serve pretzels as an h o r s d'oeuvre. ( U n l e s s o f course you m a d e t h e m yourself.) N e v e r w e a r s w e a t p a n t s ( n o t even y o u r b l a c k o n e s ) i n p u b l i c . N e v e r wear socks with sandals or white sneakers with a business suit. N e v e r p a y cash for a r e s t a u r a n t meal. Always use y o u r g o l d card. N e v e r d r i n k beer ( o r wine, for t h a t m a t t e r ) straight f r o m t h e bottle. N e v e r c o m b y o u r hair, p i c k y o u r teeth, b l o w y o u r nose, o r scratch anywhere below the shoulders in front of other people. N e v e r confess that you once b o u g h t a pair of shoes at W a l - M a r t . N e v e r a d m i t t h a t y o u d o n ' t like e g g p l a n t , even w h e n it's c a l l e d aubergine. N e v e r a d m i t t h a t y o u were w r o n g . ( M i s t a k e n , m a y b e , b u t never just plain wrong.)

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ffer a d v i c e freely. A l t h o u g h y o u r f r i e n d s a n d a c q u a i n t a n c e s m a y n o t , a t first g l a n c e , a p p e a r t o b e a s k i n g f o r y o u r a d v i c e , i n t r u t h , t h e y a l w a y s n e e d it. A l t h o u g h t h e y m a y i n s i s t t h a t all t h e y w a n t i s s o m e o n e t o listen t o t h e i r p r o b l e m s , i n t r u t h , w h a t t h e y really w a n t i s s o m e o n e t o solve t h e m . T h e p r i m e a r e a o f m o d e r n life w h i c h m o s t c o n s i s t e n t l y a n d d e s perately b e g s for advice is, o f course, t h e r o m a n t i c r e l a t i o n s h i p . A s s u m i n g t h a t y o u have a perfect r e l a t i o n s h i p ( c o m p l e t e w i t h h o n e s t y , r e s p e c t , g r e a t sex, a n d a fifty-fifty s p l i t o n all h o u s e h o l d d u t i e s a n d expenses), w h a t b e t t e r p e r s o n c o u l d there possibly b e t o a s s u m e t h e alli m p o r t a n t r e s p o n s i b i l i t y o f t e l l i n g o t h e r s h o w t o r u n t h e i r love lives? Such advice is best dispensed in small intimate g r o u p s of t w o or three p e o p l e g a t h e r e d t o g e t h e r over a tasty garlic-laden l u n c h followed b y m a n y c u p s o f f r e s h - g r o u n d c o f f e e a n d / o r m a n y glasses o f g o o d w h i t e w i n e . U n d e r s u c h g e n i a l c i r c u m s t a n c e s , a l m o s t a n y o n e w i l l feel free t o s p i l l h i s o r h e r g u t s . L i s t e n p o l i t e l y w h i l e n o d d i n g wisely, s m i l ing warmly, a n d patting h a n d s as required. O n c e the current p r o b l e m has been sufficiently aired a n d y o u have assessed the gravity of t h e situation, t h e n it is your t u r n to talk. Begin w i t h the sentence, " W e l l . . . I k n o w w h a t I w o u l d do if I were y o u . " P r o c e e d to explain exactly w h a t y o u w o u l d d o w h i c h i s also exactly w h a t h e o r she s h o u l d d o . A l t h o u g h h e o r she m a y initially b e resentful o f o r resistant t o y o u r sugg e s t i o n o f a n affair, a d i v o r c e , o r c e l i b a c y for a y e a r o r t w o , e v e n t u a l l y h e o r s h e w i l l t h a n k y o u f o r i t — e v e n if, i n t h e m e a n t i m e , h e o r s h e s t o p s speaking to you a n d frequently crosses busy streets to avoid r u n ning into you. ( A w o r d o f a d v i c e t o a d v a n c e d a d v i c e - g i v e r s : D o n o t feel o b l i g e d t o r e s t r i c t y o u r s e l f t o a d v i c e o f a r o m a n t i c n a t u r e . B r a n c h o u t a n d offer g u i d a n c e o n a d i v e r s e r a n g e o f t o p i c s i n c l u d i n g h o m e i m p r o v e -

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career a n d p a r e n t i n g strategies,

medical

t r e a t m e n t , o r g a n i c g a r d e n i n g , V i e t n a m e s e c o o k i n g , a e r o b i c exercise, and the best brand of breath mints.)

repare extensively p r i o r to a t t e n d a n c e at any signific a n t s o c i a l e v e n t . F i r s t , g e t a c o p y o f t h e g u e s t list s o y o u k n o w w h o else w i l l b e t h e r e . D e t e r m i n e a s fully as possible w h o

of these people

is

currently not

s p e a k i n g t o y o u a n d w h o a m o n g t h e m are n o t s p e a k ing to each other. A s s e s s t h e v o l a t i l i t y o f t h e s e v a r i o u s rifts s o a s t o b e a l e r t t o t h e possible eruption of unseemly shouting matches

a n d / o r fistfights.

F o r e w a r n e d i s , a s t h e y say, f o r e a r m e d . B e a r i n g all t h i s i n m i n d i n a d vance will p r e p a r e y o u for t h e diffusion of any u n c o m f o r t a b l e enc o u n t e r s a n d w i l l serve a s a u s e f u l r e m i n d e r a s t o w h o m y o u m a y safely insult in front of w h o m . If you anticipate an unavoidable confrontation of any kind, rehearse your speech beforehand. T h e r e is n o t h i n g worse t h a n b e i n g c a u g h t u n p r e p a r e d b y s o m e o n e w h o has b e e n leaving u n p l e a s a n t messages o n y o u r answering m a c h i n e for t h e last t w o weeks. I f possible, also find o u t w h o will b e wearing w h a t s o a s t o avoid any u n i n t e n t i o n a l a n d e m b a r r a s s i n g d u p l i c a t i o n o f fashion s t a t e m e n t s . I f t h e r e a p p e a r o n t h e g u e s t list a n y i m p o r t a n t p e o p l e w i t h w h o m y o u are n o t yet a c q u a i n t e d , find o u t t h e respective specialties o f said p e o p l e a n d do s o m e research. If a m o n g the guests there will be a m i crobiologist, a theoretical physicist, a paleontologist, a w o r l d - r e n o w n e d neurosurgeon, a n d a s o u n d poet, acquire at least a basic k n o w l e d g e of e a c h o f t h e s e s u b j e c t areas w h i c h y o u m a y t h e n e x h i b i t a t y o u r l e i s u r e t h r o u g h o u t t h e e v e n i n g . L e a v e t h e d i s t i n c t i m p r e s s i o n t h a t y o u are a n authority on everything. (Rest assured that, no m a t t e r w h a t anybody says, this is n o t t h e s a m e t h i n g as b e i n g a know-it-all.)

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u i t s m o k i n g , d r i n k i n g t o excess, a n d l i s t e n i n g t o l o u d rock-and-roll music. S m o k i n g is no longer an acceptable b a d habit. If y o u do persist, y o u will observe t h a t it is b e c o m i n g increasingly difficult to find a p l a c e w h e r e s m o k i n g i s still p e r m i t t e d . M o s t o f t h e s e r e m a i n i n g p l a c e s are o u t - o f - d o o r s . C o n s e q u e n t l y , as an inveterate smoker, you will find yourself repeatedly h u d d l e d with a bunch of other smokers on porches, patios, b a l c o n i e s , p a r k b e n c h e s , i n b a c k alleys, p a r k i n g l o t s , a n d t h e d o o r w a y s o f office b u i l d i n g s , fancy r e s t a u r a n t s , a n d four-star hotels. N i n e t i m e s o u t o f t e n i t will b e raining, s n o w i n g , o r t h i r t y below. T h i s practice w i l l c a u s e y o u t o b o n d w i t h all m a n n e r o f p e o p l e t o w h o m y o u w o u l d n o t give t h e t i m e o f d a y u n d e r o r d i n a r y c i r c u m s t a n c e s . S i m i l a r l y , d r i n k i n g t o excess i s n o l o n g e r c o n s i d e r e d c h a r m i n g ( n o t even i n t h o s e a r t i s t i c a n d l i t e r a r y circles f o r m e r l y r e n o w n e d for their alcohol c o n s u m p t i o n ) . It is no longer an admirable accomplishm e n t t o b e a b l e t o d r i n k all y o u r f r i e n d s u n d e r t h e t a b l e . N o w y o u s h o u l d c o n f i n e yourself, o n a n y g i v e n e v e n i n g , t o o n e o r t w o g l a s s e s o f w i n e a n d t h e n y o u s h o u l d s w i t c h t o coffee. D r i n k i n g l a r g e a m o u n t s o f coffee l a t e a t n i g h t w i l l c a u s e y o u t o feel every b i t a s h u n g o v e r i n t h e m o r n i n g as if you had single-handedly polished off two bottles of w i n e t h e n i g h t before. B u t y o u will n o t b e faced w i t h t h a t h u m i l i a t i n g t a s k o f h a v i n g t o call e v e r y o n e a n d a s k t h e m w h a t y o u d i d l a s t n i g h t . Even better than drinking in moderation is

abstaining altogether.

W h i l e r e m a i n i n g p e r f e c t l y s o b e r yourself, y o u w i l l b e vastly e n t e r t a i n e d b y w a t c h i n g all y o u r f r i e n d s b e c o m e s t u p i d e r a n d s t u p i d e r a s the evening wears on. Listening to loud rock-and-roll music is a pastime which should be engaged in only by a n g s t - r i d d e n adolescents. H a v i n g reached a cert a i n age, y o u s h o u l d b e l i s t e n i n g exclusively t o classical m u s i c , o p e r a ,

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jazz, a n d / o r whale songs. A n occasional b o u t w i t h t h e Rolling Stones is acceptable, b u t only for nostalgic p u r p o s e s . O t h e r t h a n that, any m u s i c t o w h i c h y o u c a n d a n c e , s i n g a l o n g , o r c r y y o u r eyes o u t i s n o t h i n g m o r e t h a n j u v e n i l e a n d s h o u l d b e a v o i d e d a t all c o s t s .

a d i a t e a t all t i m e s a n a u r a o f s e l f - c o n f i d e n c e , selfr e l i a n c e , a n d s e l f - c o n t r o l . E m i t a n air o f r e f i n e m e n t , m a t u r i t y , a n d s o p h i s t i c a t i o n like a h u n d r e d - d o l l a r - a n o u n c e p e r f u m e . S u p p r e s s t h e u r g e ever t o a d m i t t o a n y o n e t h a t s o m e t i m e s y o u feel i n a d e q u a t e , i n f e r i o r , i n s e c u r e , i n s i g n i f i c a n t , a n d easily i n t i m i d a t e d ( b y y o u r b o s s , y o u r c h i l dren's f r i e n d s , a n d / o r y o u r h a i r d r e s s e r ) . N e v e r c o n f e s s t o f e e l i n g a n x ious, clumsy, unattractive, u n a p p r e c i a t e d , u n h a p p y , or very vulnerable. I t i s n o t t o y o u r advantage t o a d m i t t h a t y o u t o o are afraid o f d y i n g a n d are well a w a r e o f t h e fact t h a t all t h e c o n f i d e n c e a n d g o o d t a s t e i n the w o r l d will n o t m a k e y o u i m m o r t a l . Especially never a d m i t ( n o t even t o y o u r b e s t f r i e n d ) t h a t s o m e t i m e s y o u feel all d a y l o n g l i k e c r y i n g for n o g o o d r e a s o n a n d t h a t s o m e t i m e s y o u d o j u s t t h a t . T h e r e i s n o t h i n g w o r s e t h a n h a v i n g s o m e b o d y feel s o r r y f o r y o u .

pare no effort or expense w h e n it comes to furnishing and decorating your home. Although you may be too b u s y t o s p e n d m u c h t i m e t h e r e , still, y o u r h o m e i s y o u r castle a n d m u s t b e o u t f i t t e d accordingly. Settle for n o t h i n g b u t t h e best. In interior d e c o r a t i o n (as in m a n y o t h e r i m p o r t a n t a r e a s ) , i t i s easier t o k n o w w h a t y o u don't w a n t t h a n w h a t y o u do. S t e e r clear o f a n y h o m e d e c o r a t i n g s t y l e t h a t c o n t a i n s t h e w o r d modern a n d i n v o l v e s vinyl, p l a i d , s h a g c a r p e t i n g , lava l a m p s , vertical blinds, a n d the colors orange, p u r p l e , a n d / o r avocado. N e v e r p u r c h a s e a n y i t e m t h a t s a y s on t h e b o x , Looks just like real wood or

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Some assembly required. A v o i d a n y t h i n g d e s c r i b e d as faux b e c a u s e , o b v i ously, it is likely to be o n l y a h o p , s k i p , a n d a j u m p a w a y f r o m faux pas. T h e r e are m a n y c o m m a n d m e n t s w h i c h m u s t b e o b e y e d i n t h i s area. T h e t h r e e m o s t i m p o r t a n t o f t h e s e are t o e r r a l w a y s o n t h e s i d e o f t h e t r a d i t i o n a l , t o k e e p y o u r h o m e i m m a c u l a t e a t all t i m e s , a n d never to p u t y o u r television in t h e living r o o m .

u r n a g a i n s t all t h o s e w h o h a v e ever c o n t r a d i c t e d y o u i n p u b l i c , failed t o l a u g h a t y o u r w i t t y r e p a r t e e , q u e s t i o n e d your right to suggest they s h o u l d seek professional help, criticized y o u r spouse ( y o u r child, y o u r wardrobe, your hair color, your antipasto,

or your

g r a s p of e x p e r i m e n t a l t h e a t e r ) . Bear a g r u d g e against these p e o p l e forever. E s p e c i a l l y b e a r a g r u d g e a g a i n s t a n y o n e w h o h a s ever t o l d y o u t h a t y o u l o o k e d tired w h e n y o u weren't. W h i l e secretly i n d u l g i n g in elaborate revenge fantasies in w h i c h t h e s e p e o p l e a r e d r a m a t i c a l l y h u m i l i a t e d f o r o n c e a n d f o r all, i n p u b l i c express these g r u d g e s in a civilized m a n n e r . F o r g e t to invite these p e o p l e t o y o u r s u m m e r s o l s t i c e p a r t y . F o r g e t t o call t h e m o n t h e i r b i r t h days. Take their n u m b e r s

off your programmable phone. Do n o t

r e t u r n t h e i r calls. T e l l t h e m y o u r a n s w e r i n g m a c h i n e i s b r o k e n . L o s e t h e u m b r e l l a , t h e b o o k , t h e B u n d t p a n , t h e k i d l e a t h e r gloves t h a t y o u borrowed. W h e n encountering these people in public, do n o t embrace t h e m a n d k i s s t h e m o n b o t h c h e e k s t h e w a y y o u d o w i t h y o u r real f r i e n d s . T e l l t h e m y o u d i d n ' t see t h e m d o w n t o w n l a s t S a t u r d a y a f t e r n o o n w h e n you were g o i n g i n t o t h e Chinese grocery a n d they were just c o m i n g o u t . I f a n y o f t h e s e p e o p l e are c h i l d i s h e n o u g h t o a s k i f y o u ' r e a v o i d i n g t h e m , say i n c r e d u l o u s l y , " O f c o u r s e n o t ! W h y w o u l d I d o s u c h a thing? You k n o w me better t h a n that!"

I

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n d e r s t a n d t h a t t h e average s u b u r b a n s h o p p i n g m a l l w a s i n t e n d e d f o r a class o f p e o p l e t o w h i c h y o u d o n o t belong. Such places s h o u l d be frequented only as a last resort. T h e y may, for instance, b e useful i n N o v e m b e r w h e n y o u are just f i n i s h i n g u p y o u r C h r i s t m a s s h o p p i n g . ( Y o u , n e e d l e s s t o say, a r e n o t t h e k i n d o f p e r s o n w h o leaves this task t o the very last m i n u t e . ) T h e r e m a y be, t h r o u g h n o fault o f y o u r o w n , a h a n d f u l o f p e o p l e o n y o u r e x t e n s i v e C h r i s t m a s list ( r e l a tives, e m p l o y e e s , n e i g h b o r s , a n d t h e l i k e ) w h o s e t a s t e s r u n t o w a r d t h e sort of merchandise carried only in malls. I f y o u h a v e s m a l l c h i l d r e n , y o u m a y f i n d y o u r s e l f f o r c e d t o visit the mall on a rainy Saturday afternoon w h e n they c a n n o t possibly be t a k e n t o t h e p a r k i n s t e a d . ( H a v i n g b e c o m e a p a r e n t , y o u w i l l freq u e n t l y f i n d yourself d o i n g t h i n g s t h a t formerly y o u w o u l d n ' t have b e e n c a u g h t d e a d at. T h i s i n c l u d e s h a v i n g h a m b u r g e r s o r p i z z a i n t h e f o o d c o u r t a t t h e m a l l while s u r r o u n d e d b y o t h e r families d e s p e r a t e for s o m e t h i n g t o d o a n d b y m a n g y adolescents a n d adults w h o a p p a r ently d o this because they like it.) After a n h o u r o r t w o o f b e i n g dragged a r o u n d the overheated mall with their winter coats hanging o f f t h e m , y o u r children will b e m o r e t h a n ready t o g o h o m e a n d have a nap. M i l l i n g t h r o u g h a crowded, noisy, often m a l o d o r o u s s h o p p i n g mall c a n n o t possibly b e g o o d for y o u r image o r y o u r m o r a l e . M a n y trips to t h e m a l l e n d up w i t h everyone crying in the car in the p a r k i n g lot. S t r i v e t o b e t h e k i n d o f p e r s o n n o o n e c a n ever i m a g i n e t r u d g i n g t h r o u g h t h e m a l l w i t h a c a r t full o f p l a s t i c p l a c e m a t s , v a c u u m c l e a n e r bags, a stuffed p u r p l e dinosaur, a toilet brush, a W e e d Eater, a h a m s t e r cage, a n d a t w e n t y - p o u n d b a g o f k i t t y l i t t e r .

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a l u e y o u r t i m e a n d o r g a n i z e i t wisely. W h a t w i t h all t h e t h i n g s y o u h a v e t o d o , all t h e p l a c e s y o u h a v e t o g o , a n d all t h e p e o p l e y o u h a v e t o see, y o u r t i m e i s a t a p r e m i u m . A s s u m i n g t h a t , i n a d d i t i o n t o all o f t h e s e p u r s u i t s , you m u s t also devote a certain n u m b e r of h o u r s t o a j o b e a c h day, e f f i c i e n t t i m e m a n a g e m e n t i s all t h e m o r e c r u cial. I m p l e m e n t a v a r i e t y o f t o o l s a n d t e c h n i q u e s t o w a r d t h i s e n d . M o s t i m p o r t a n t of these is the leather-bound gold-embossed app o i n t m e n t b o o k . (A z i p p e r e d closure is a d i s c r e t i o n a r y b u t always i m pressive o p t i o n . ) B e s u r e t o s e l e c t a b o o k w h i c h f e a t u r e s a w h o l e p a g e p e r day. Y o u r b u s y life c a n n o t p o s s i b l y b e c o n t a i n e d w i t h i n a t w o inch-square block of white space. R e c e n t t e c h n o l o g i c a l d e v e l o p m e n t s have m a d e t i m e m a n a g e m e n t even m o r e c o m p l e x a n d t i m e - c o n s u m i n g . Y o u m a y w i s h t o t a k e a d v a n tage of these advances by purchasing a pocket-size electronic organizer for e a c h f a m i l y m e m b e r a n d / o r b y i n s t a l l i n g o n y o u r h o m e c o m p u t e r a calendar p r o g r a m c o m p l e t e for t h e n e x t fifteen years. T h i s will allow y o u t o see t h e f u t u r e i n r e a s s u r i n g d e t a i l . I f y o u h a v e a l r e a d y n o t e d several i m p o r t a n t s o c i a l c o m m i t m e n t s i n t h e y e a r 2 0 0 3 , y o u n e e d n o l o n g e r b e p l a g u e d b y t h e s u s p i c i o n t h a t n o b o d y likes y o u a n d t h a t y o u a r e b e i n g left o u t o f all k i n d s o f i n t e r e s t i n g t h i n g s . E v e n m o r e i m p o r t a n t l y , a c a l e n d a r filled y e a r s i n a d v a n c e w i l l effectively w a r d o f f t h o s e feelings o f e m p t i n e s s a n d e n n u i w h i c h i n v a r i a b l y l e a d t o t h e c o n t e m p l a t i o n o f t h a t pesky meaning-of-life issue. ( A w o r d o f c o m f o r t : If, u p o n c a t c h i n g a g l i m p s e o f y o u r i n t r i c a t e t i m e m a n a g e m e n t system, your friends begin to b a n d y a b o u t such p h r a s e s as anal retentive a n d control freak, feel free to s m u g l y i g n o r e t h e m . Take consolation in the knowledge that three m o n t h s from n o w when y o u are h a v i n g t h e t i m e o f y o u r life a t a f u n d - r a i s i n g d i n n e r f o r a n i m a l

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rights, they will be at h o m e alone washing their hair because they t h o u g h t t h e d i n n e r was next week.)

e l c o m e any o p p o r t u n i t y t o improve a n d e x p a n d y o u r vocabulary. Learn the p r o p e r spelling, meaning, and u s a g e of s u c h w o r d s as: semiotics, solipsism, obsequious, oligarchy, palimpsest, epistemology,fiduciary, a n d polytetrafluoroethylene. A n y c o n v e r s a t i o n w i l l b e e l e v a t e d a n d e n l i v e n e d by the timely insertion of these a n d other polysyllabic terms. Never m i s s a n o p p o r t u n i t y t o u s e t h e w o r d s dysfunctional, empowerment, Tuscany, a n d radiccio. W h e n e v e r p o s s i b l e , u s e t h e m all i n o n e s e n t e n c e .

e n o p h i l i a : c u l t i v a t e it. ( I f y o u h a v e n o t y e t i m p r o v e d y o u r v o c a b u l a r y , t h e w o r d xenophilia refers t o " a m a n i a for, o b s e s s i o n w i t h , o r i n o r d i n a t e a t t r a c t i o n t o f o r e i g n e r s a n d all t h i n g s f o r e i g n . " ) C u l t i v a t e a love f o r all things i m p o r t e d , including wine, food, clothing, cars, carpets, a n d films. S u b s c r i b e t o t h e belief t h a t a n y t h i n g o f d o m e s t i c o r i g i n i s i n h e r e n t l y i n f e r i o r t o its f o r e i g n c o u n t e r p a r t . Especially cultivate an interest in geography. E v e n if you have neit h e r t h e m e a n s n o r t h e i n c l i n a t i o n t o travel, s t o c k u p o n g u i d e b o o k s t o all t h e b e s t c o u n t r i e s . T h i s w i l l e n a b l e y o u t o p a r t i c i p a t e effectively i n t h o s e s o p h i s t i c a t e d d i n n e r c o n v e r s a t i o n s i n w h i c h all t h e o t h e r g u e s t s discuss their m o s t recent vacations abroad. O n their vacations, these p e o p l e d o n o t g o t o Bemidji, M i n n e s o t a , f o r t h e l a s t t w o w e e k s o f July. T h e y a l s o d o n o t g o t o D i s n e y l a n d , t o N i a g a r a Falls, o r t o W i n n i p e g t o visit their elderly a u n t . T h e s e p e o p l e go to t h e G r e e k islands, t h e Black Forest, Tuscany, C o s t a del Sol, Istanbul, a n d Paris. H a v i n g studied your g u i d e b o o k s , you t o o will k n o w t h a t the best

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r o o m s a t t h e G r a n d H o t e l S u m m e r P a l a c e i n R h o d e s are s i t u a t e d i n the n e w wing, featuring p i n k marble floors and marvelous paintings of water n y m p h s and goddesses. T h a t at Tuscany s M u s e o dell'Opera del D u o m o (formerly the bishop's palace) you can view Donatello's origin a l reliefs f o r t h e P u l p i t o f t h e H o l y G i r d l e ( a d m i s s i o n 5 , 0 0 0 lire, closed o n T u e s d a y ) . T h a t a t Les Bookinistes o n t h e Left Bank (fifth b i s t r o a n n e x o f c h e f G u y Savoy, a c h a r m i n g p o s t m o d e r n r o o m w i t h a delightful view of the Seine) the mussel a n d p u m p k i n s o u p is t h e perfect a p p e t i z e r t o p r e c e d e t h e r a v i o l i s t u f f e d w i t h c h i c k e n a n d c e l e r y (closed on Sunday, no lunch Saturday). Refrain at these gatherings from p u t t i n g forth your theory that p e o p l e w h o travel excessively are u s u a l l y r u n n i n g a w a y f r o m t h e i r real lives a t h o m e . Also do n o t m e n t i o n your recurring nightmare in which you, havi n g f i n a l l y m a d e y o u r w a y t o P a r i s , s t r o l l i n t o a c h a r m i n g brasserie i n l'arrondissement seizième o n l y to

find

all of t h e m a s s e m b l e d t h e r e pour le

dejeuner. W h e n in the c o m p a n y of these u r b a n e frequent-flyers, avoid the w o r d pretentious.

e a r n i n p u b l i c for t h e g o o d o l d d a y s w h e n life w a s s i m pler, t h e a i r w a s c l e a n e r , a n d t h e f o o d w a s fresher. I n private, get d o w n o n y o u r knees a n d t h a n k the L o r d for t h e c e l l p h o n e , t h e l a p t o p , t h e fax, t h e m o d e m , t h e m i crowave, t h e electric b r e a d maker, t h e self-defrosting freezer, t h e a u t o m a t i c t e l l e r m a c h i n e , t h e r e m o t e c o n t r o l car s t a r t e r , voice mail, a n d antibiotics. Especially

thank

the

L o r d for your electronic

sound machine

w h i c h allows you to listen to the ocean, the gentle patter of rain, t h e babbling of a brook, or the relaxing lullaby of a s u m m e r night ( c o m -

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plete w i t h crickets a n d frogs) whenever you n e e d to escape f r o m the u n r e l e n t i n g s t r e s s o f m o d e r n life. T h e a d d e d b e a u t y o f t h i s m a c h i n e is t h a t it allows you to c o m m u n e w i t h n a t u r e w i t h o u t actually having to go outside where you w o u l d r u n the risk of getting wet a n d dirty, n o t to m e n t i o n the possibility of being bitten by mosquitoes, blackflies, o r a r a b i d r a c c o o n .

ealously embrace

the pursuit of perfection.

Simple

s e l f - i m p r o v e m e n t i s n o l o n g e r e n o u g h . S t r i v e a t all t i m e s t o a s c e n d t o t h e a b s o l u t e z e n i t h o f style a n d s o p h i s t i c a t i o n . N o m a t t e r h o w self-satisfied y o u m a y b e a t a n y g i v e n m o m e n t , r e m e m b e r t h a t t h e r e i s always m o r e work to be done. Take heart. Take pride. Take the bull by the h o r n s . T a k e over. T a k e c r e d i t . T a k e c h a r g e . T a k e n o t e s w h e n n e c e s s a r y . A b o v e all else, t a k e s t r e n g t h f r o m t h e k n o w l e d g e t h a t t h e c r e a m always rises t o t h e t o p .

SOURCES FOR I L L U S T R A T I O N S

Some of the illustrations in this book appear in their original form. Others are collages created by the author. T h e illustrations were taken from Images of Medicine: A Definitive Volume of More

than 4,800 Copyright-free Engravings, edited by Jim Harter (Bonanza Books, N e w

York, 1991) and from the following volumes of the Dover Pictorial Archive Series (Dover Publications, N e w York): 200 Decorative Title-Pages (Alexander Nesbitt); 3800 Early Advertising Cuts (Carol

Belanger Grafton); Albinus on Anatomy (Robert Beverly Hale and Terence Coyle); Animals (Jim Harter); Cesare Ripa: Baroque and Rococo Pictorial Imagery (Edward A. Maser);

Children (Carol Belanger Grafton); Decorative Alphabets and Initials (Alexander Nesbitt); A Diderot Pictorial Encyclopedia of Trades and Industry: Volumes One and Two (Charles C. Gillispie); The Doré Bible Illustrations (Millicent Rose); Early American locomotives (John

H. White, Jr.); Food and Drink (Jim Harter); Goods and Merchandise (William Rowe); Handbook of Renaissance Ornament (Albert Fidelis Butsch); Harter's Picture Archive for Collage and Illustration (Jim Harter); Historic Alphabets and Initials (Carol Belanger Grafton);

Love and Romance (Carol Belanger Grafton); Men (Jim Harter); Montgomery Ward & Co. Catalogue and Buyers' Guide, No.

57, Spring and Summer 1895 (Boris Emmet); Music (Jim

Harter); The New Testament ( D o n Rice); Old-Fashioned Animal Cuts (Carol Belanger Grafton);

Old-Fashioned Illustrations of Books,

Reading and Writing (Carol

Belanger

Grafton); Old-Fashioned Illustrations of Children (Carol Belanger Grafton); Old-Fashioned Nautical Illustrations (Carol Belanger Grafton); Old-Fashioned Romantic Cuts (Carol Be-

langer Grafton); Old-Fashioned Transportation Cuts (Carol Belanger Grafton); Perspective: Jan Vredeman de Vries (Adolf K. Placzek); Picture Book of Devils, Demons and Witchcraft

(Ernst and Johanna Lehner); Picture Sourcebook for Collage and Decoupage ( E d m u n d V. Gillon, Jr.); Trades and Occupations (Carol Belanger Grafton); Transportation (Jim Harter); Victorian Women's Fashion Cuts (Carol Belanger Grafton); and Women (Jim Harter).

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ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

T h e factual information contained in these stories was gathered from a variety of sources including Atlas of Stars and Planets: A Beginner's Guide to the Universe by Ian R i d p a t h (Facts on File, 1 9 9 3 ) ; The Book of Answers: The New York Public Library Telephone Reference Service's Most

Unusual and Entertaining Questions by Barbara Berliner

with M e l i n d a Corey and George O c h o a (Prentice-Hall, 1 9 9 0 ) ; The Compass in Your Nose and Other Astonishing Facts about Humans by M a r c M c C u t c h e o n ( L o s A n -

geles, Jeremy P. Tardier, 1 9 8 9 ) ; Fodor's 96 Europe, edited by Linda Cabasin (Fodor's Travel Publications, 1 9 9 5 ) ; The New Illustrated Universal Reference Book ( L o n d o n , O d h a m s Press, 1 9 3 3 ) ; Perspective for Artists by Rex Vicat Cole (Dover Publishing, 1 9 7 6 ) ; Planets and Satellites (Barron's Educational Series, 1 9 9 3 ) ; Saints Preserve Us! by Sean Kelly and Rosemary Rogers ( R a n d o m H o u s e , 1 9 9 3 ) ; and Why Eve Doesn't Have an Adam's Apple: A Dictionary of Sex Differences by Carol A n n

Rinzler (Facts on File, 1 9 9 6 ) . I would like to thank the Canada Council and the O n t a r i o Arts Council for their generous financial support. For their unwavering faith and their own special forms of devotion, I am deeply grateful to my friends Carla Douglas and Jim Kane (an extra thanks to Carla for the relish recipe on page 5 8 ) , Merilyn Simonds and Wayne Grady, and Katherine Lakeman; to my agent, Bella Pomer; to Lois Rosenthal of Story; to my editors, M i n d y Werner and Phyllis Bruce; and especially to Alex, my dear son.

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