Life Lessons for Educators: Your Best Life Now

“There are few times in our lifetime that we have the opportunity to view our life differently. Life Lessons for Educators provides the chance to revisit, refocus, and truly look inside ourselves. Mary Ann Smialek gives us the tools to examine our values and consciously unshackle our thinking to a more positive outlook on a daily basis. She answers our innermost questions about knowing our authentic self, a paradigm shift in one’s reality, along with the steps necessary to produce significant positive life changes. This is a must-read for all educators.” —John Kenneth Amato, PhD, international president of Phi Delta Kappa “Mary Ann Smialek offers a holistic approach to reflective teaching. In Life Lessons for Educators she takes you on a journey of self-discovery, reflection, and validation. She presents opportunities for both new and seasoned practitioners to live their best life personally and professionally. Each chapter offers renewed occasions to celebrate accomplishments and look forward to improved ways of doing things with enjoyment and enthusiasm. This is a must-read for all educators who want to find joy in their life and profession.” —Mary Jo Pierantozzi, assistant professor, School of Education, Gwynedd-Mercy College

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LIFE LESSONS FOR EDUCATORS Your Best Life Now

Mary Ann Smialek

ROWMAN & LITTLEFIELD EDUCATION A division of ROWMAN & LITTLEFIELD PUBLISHERS, INC. Lanham • New York • Toronto • Plymouth, UK

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Published by Rowman & Littlefield Education A division of Rowman & Littlefield Publishers, Inc. A wholly owned subsidiary of The Rowman & Littlefield Publishing Group, Inc. 4501 Forbes Boulevard, Suite 200, Lanham, Maryland 20706 http://www.rowmaneducation.com Estover Road, Plymouth PL6 7PY, United Kingdom Copyright © 2010 by Mary Ann Smialek All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means, including information storage and retrieval systems, without written permission from the publisher, except by a reviewer who may quote passages in a review. British Library Cataloguing in Publication Information Available Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data Smialek, Mary Ann Life lessons for educators : your best life now / Mary Ann Smialek. p. cm. Includes bibliographical references. ISBN 978-1-60709-909-3 (cloth : alk. paper) ISBN 978-1-60709-910-9 (pbk. : alk. paper) ISBN 978-1-60709-911-6 (electronic) 1. Lesson planning. 2. Effective teaching—United States—Handbooks, manuals, etc. 3. Classroom management. 4. Teaching—United States. I. Title. LB2801.A1S63 2010 371.3028—dc22 2010018088

⬁ ™ The paper used in this publication meets the minimum requirements of American National Standard for Information Sciences—Permanence of Paper for Printed Library Materials, ANSI/NISO Z39.48-1992. Printed in the United States of America

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This book is dedicated to all educators who are seeking an awakening to their greatest potential and the path to a fulfilling life.

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Contents

Introduction Part I

Your Authentic Self

Life Lesson 1 Life Lesson 2 Life Lesson 3 Life Lesson 4 Life Lesson 5 Part II

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Know Who You Are; Define Your Values Awaken to a New Beginning; Be Open to Your Power Honor Your Authentic Self; Trust Your Inner Wisdom Be Thankful and Show Gratitude; Count Your Blessings Live in the Present; Embrace the Power of Now

Positive Relationships

Life Lesson 6 Life Lesson 7 Life Lesson 8 Life Lesson 9 Life Lesson 10

3 19 33 49 61 75

Transform Your Method of Operation; Share Positive Vibrations Communicate and Collaborate; Be a Teacher Rather Than a Friend Discipline without Tears; Resolve Conflict with Respect Motivate Kids; Give Kids Space to Be Celebrate Life; Enjoy an Authentic Lifestyle

77 93 109 135 163

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Contents

Appendix “An Educator’s Prayer” “Educators’ Wishes” Strategy Intervention Form

177 177 178 178

About the Author

181

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OULD YOU LIKE TO CHANGE YOUR LIFE?

Do you want to enjoy a balanced, less-stressful lifestyle? Do you long to have the courage and confidence to fulfill your greatest potential even in difficult times? Life Lessons for Educators offers an invaluable resource to create your best life now. Part 1 focuses on knowing and honoring your true self and living an authentic life. Part 2 gives attention to fostering positive relationships at home and school, and sustaining a lifestyle that is authentic. Step-by-step action plans are shared to inspire acceptance, enjoyment, and enthusiasm in your life. You will celebrate a new aliveness and be given numerous opportunities to help yourself, and those closest to you, reach the greatest potential on this journey of a lifetime. What would your life be like if you had the knowledge and the motivation to overcome fear, anxiety, and worry? How would your relationships with your children and students change? How would your life be different? Throughout my career, I have listened closely to educators’ needs. I have seen much frustration and imbalance. I have come to realize that many administrators, teachers, guidance counselors, psychologists, and therapists are seeking a lifestyle that has depth and offers ways for their vision and goals to become a reality on the level of mind and feeling. Being an educator today in a world full of distractions calls you to live at depth, but you cannot live at depth if you live at speed. Life Lessons for Educators proposes a new direction to live and thrive positively amid the many negative forces in your life. They present many opportunities for practice and growth along the way. No matter what your current life — vii —

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situation is or what challenges you are facing, these life strategies will guide you in your choices to achieve the life you were meant to live. You will then be able to realize your true essence and enjoy quality relationships no matter what your current circumstances. Difficult and demanding times can force you to reevaluate your entire life and current lifestyle. Times of crisis can make you look for new ways to cope, grow, and thrive as an individual. Life Lessons for Educators provides a timely master plan to lead you through today’s difficult times when life as you knew it no longer is a reality for you. It charts out a journey that doesn’t cost any money and will afford you and those with whom you are the closest a priceless opportunity to live happy lives even in times of great stress. Following the insights suggested here will not add to your already substantial workload. The intention of this journey is for you to work smarter and not harder. The recommendations put forward will promote clarity, efficiency, and effectiveness in your life. Life Lessons have nothing to do with how much or how little money, talent, or opportunities you have. They have everything to do with how you approach your current situation: what you think, say, and do to minimize the effects of negativity for yourself, your kids, and the students in your charge. This book presents practical action plans to reduce the negative effects of troubling times and challenging circumstances. Emotional connections can thrive even in adverse situations. Sage wisdom is presented in the steps of the journey to weather the storms and uncharted waters in your life. The book is devoid of pomp and circumstance. It is filled with reflective suggestions for a way of living that can bring you serenity in your daily routine and when times are especially tough. The journey, however, requires focus, hard work, and perseverance to savor the rewards of a balanced, cohesive lifestyle, one that is to be savored and enjoyed. You have a choice! You can opt to let times of unhappiness and struggle negatively affect your well-being by doing nothing, or you can choose to seek and achieve realistic dreams. You can effectively make them an integral part of a lifestyle that is filled with the love and joy that you deserve. If you desire to supersede skimming the surface of the challenges you face on a daily basis and realize that this is not the existence you want for yourself, read on. The path ahead presents you with an energizing and restorative alternative that will not sabotage your success. It will change how you look at yourself and your lifestyle. It will change the way you think, what you say and do. Think of your new potential life direction as a learning curve that describes the effort prescribed to acquire a new skill over a specific period of time. It requires you to reorient your way of thinking rather than just the time or energy involved.

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This endeavor to achieve significant progress and sufficient skills to start a new life path using Life Lessons’ strategies may at times be fairly predictable. But achieving real mastery requires much more insight, time, effort, and the application of your personal discoveries about their truth. Often new learning brings you to an “impasse,” only to be resolved by a seemingly radical intuitive change in the direction of an “aha” moment or “breakthrough.” This transformation can be yours. What do you have to lose? Absolutely nothing! You have deep within you all the strength to fulfill your greatest vision of yourself. To tap into this power you must first develop a positive relationship with yourself. Your inner courage will enable you to take the necessary steps that build confidence when you begin to use your own innate power to create your best life now.

Your Life’s Purpose When you embark on any journey, it is important to know where you are going or at least the general direction you are heading. What is even more crucial is to understand the only thing that is truly paramount, and ultimately genuine, about the journey is the step you are taking now. Your life’s purpose has a twofold foundation: an outer and inner focus. The outer focus is to get you to your destination or achieve a goal: graduate from school, find a job, secure a mortgage, move into your dream home, be a caring and sensitive educator, or be the best positive role model for your children and students. Arriving at each of these implies future. However, if your future steps take up so much of your thoughts, words, and actions that they become more important than the step you are currently on, you then completely miss your life’s inner focus. To get a better perspective of this new life adventure before you, view your life as a beautiful, priceless tapestry. At this time, you can only see the unfinished underside of this most valued work of art. You are unable to see the intricate patterns taking form on the upper side; you are only able to notice the colorful threads and textures without the benefit of the big picture. The exquisitely finished treasure will only be revealed to you at some later date. Even though it has an interesting colorful appearance and pattern, what you glimpse now will never compare to the intricate precision and magnificence of the completed upper surface. Your perception fails you at your vantage point because you are only able to view the underside of this great work. You can’t possibly imagine and fully appreciate the final creation. On this life-changing journey upon which you will soon embark, you will come to believe and trust that your precious work of art—your life—is your

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best effort, one that will bring many blessings and is truly a masterpiece. Striving for balance as you follow Life Lessons for Educators, you will come to experience your life as satisfying and nurturing, not only for you, but for your children, students, and everyone with whom you come in contact.

Life’s Inner Focus Your inner focus doesn’t have anything to do with what you are doing or where you are going. It has everything to do with your focal point on how you do things and your attitude toward your life in general. Simply put, your inner focus involves how you think, how you talk, and what you do. It has nothing to do with the past or what will happen or not in the future. It has everything to do with your awareness of the importance of the present in your life. Your outer focus belongs to the dimension of time and space. Your inner focus, on the other hand, involves knowing who you are, your authentic self, in the dimension of the present. Your outer focus is made up of many steps throughout your lifetime. Your inner focus is made up of one step, the one that you are on at this moment. As you proceed focusing on a balanced lifestyle, you become more deeply aware of this one step of your inner journey: knowing and embracing your true self. You realize that it already includes all the other steps and the destination. This one action transforms into an expression of a masterpiece—your authentic life—that has both beauty and quality. Your true essence touches all who are in your life. This is both the purpose and the fulfillment of your inner focus—the journey into your very being to connect with the love and peace already there. Begin on this exciting path with an open mind, a loving heart, and a forgiving spirit. As you gain confidence, you will become less attached to the opinions of both experts and non-experts alike. You will be able to make your own decisions that support what you ultimately desire for yourself and for those you love and cherish: healthy and happy lives. It will not cost you one penny, and the rewards are priceless!

Life’s Outer Focus Creating your best life now is neither a goal nor a destination. It is not a means to an end. It is the way, the journey of a lifetime, to live your best life. Your inner strength will guide and motivate you to know your true self and

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help in creating a lifestyle that will bring balance and harmony. Take your responsibility seriously. What an awesome privilege! The very fact that you are questioning your methods of operation is a positive endorsement that you are on the right path. Let go of all unnecessary fear and anxiety that are interfering with your progress. The insights shared in the pages ahead, if you let them, will serve as a beacon along the way to keep your focus sustained and progress attainable. Their simple yet awesome wisdom will motivate and support you along the way. You are embarking on a revealing journey that will assist you in transforming your old ways of doing things. The result will be a more confident, fearless you, one who changes self-doubt into a new realization of who you are and all that you wish to be. Allow yourself to become flexible and yielding in your thinking. Your development of the self-assurance to step out of your comfort zone will enhance your achievement of your greatest potential. You then begin to live a life of truth and completeness. On this journey of a lifetime, you experience mastery of a life well lived and passionate. You take control of your destiny and enjoy a lifestyle that is most rewarding, one step at a time. It will be helpful along the way to keep a notebook or journal to chart your progress. Answer the poignant questions after each insight. Note your emotions, your reactions to the strategies, what worked, what didn’t, and ideas for improvement. Explore ways of how to tailor the insights to a particular situation or challenge you are experiencing. Above all, enjoy the process. This journey is not a race to the finish line! Take all the time you need at each step of the way. Appreciate and understand the importance of Life Lessons’ insights for creating a life that is passionate and joyful. Enjoy your successes. Reward yourself in some personal manner that is unique to you and is a motivator for your continued perseverance. Share an “aha” moment with others, enjoy some personal down time, go on a power walk, or simply close your classroom or office door, and turn off the lights if only for a few short minutes. Do whatever is energizing to you. It will be beneficial to your further progress. You’ll develop the self assurance to step out of your comfort zone and old ways of doing things so that you can realize your greatest potential. What is now offered to you in the following Life Lessons is a valuable compass for the path of creating a truly passionate life. The scope of the strategies presented are the directing influence on my own journey and for many of the educators I have had the privilege to coach on their unique journeys. The secret to your advancement is to keep a mind that is open to limitless possibilities, a heart filled with love, and a spirit that forgives, as you move forward to your best life now.

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I YOUR AUTHENTIC SELF

The more you look at your life, the more your life changes. —Mary Ann Smialek

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Life Lesson 1 Know Who You Are; Define Your Values

I don’t believe; I know. —Carl Jung

As You Begin the Journey

R

ESOLVING TO DEVELOP THE COURAGE to fulfill your greatest potential as an individual and educator is the initial step of this journey of a lifetime. It is far easier than the next step—making the commitment to set aside some quiet moments every day in your routine at home and work for a lifestyle makeover. An important decision is to determine how you will keep this promise to yourself. What do you need to do to develop the will power in your personal and professional life to make it happen? First of all, you need to acknowledge the fact that your commitment will wane at some time, at one point or another. When this happens, you’ll need to gently forgive yourself and continue on toward your goal without hesitation. Recommit to start again and stay on track. As this happens from time to time, you’ll realize that the span between stopping and starting will be shorter. Each time you falter and then recommit, honor yourself for the positive attitude to reconnect with your original intention to change your life for the better. Finally, what is vital now is to create a regular schedule that works for you. Mark the time on your calendar and hold it as the important occasion that

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it truly is. Don’t permit others, events, or circumstances to distract you from your renewed dedication. This is the time I will set aside to learn about and follow the Life Lesssons for the life I am meant to live:

Now that you have a regular, set schedule, you are ready for the first insight: knowing who you really are. Life Lesson 1 sets the stage for you to begin to know your authentic self and to remain true to your essence.

Ask the Poignant Questions You have one of the most important callings in the world as an educator to teach, nurture, and guide others. While it is an awesome role, many times it is not a joyous one for you, especially when you have added personal challenges holding you back from your great potential. This role is sometimes filled with times of self-doubt, emotional insecurities, mixed messages, and most often a lack of sustainable action plans. You are trying to do the best you can in your particular personal and professional situation, but sometimes, you get weary and feel like “what’s the use?” At times you want to give up because things are just not working out the way you planned. Your busy life has numerous demands. The mounting list of “things to do” goes on and on with no prospect of slowing down. More times than not, you’re so stressed that you question yourself: What am I missing here? Is this as good as it gets? How can I reach my children? Am I on the right path with my students? Why don’t my coworkers understand me? These are the poignant questions in my life for which I seek answers:

The challenges you face every day are exhausting. You are pulled in a dozen different directions by the competing demands of family and career. You manage to make it work, but a time comes when a financial or emotional crisis destroys what you thought was a balanced existence: cutbacks in the school district, a sick child, an elderly parent needing care, or not enough money in your checking account to pay even the minimum amount on monthly bills.

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The shock of it all is doubled when these unexpected happenings come in quick succession, or in multiples. Without thinking, many times, you automatically step up to the plate and try to take charge of the situation. A domino effect occurs and squeezes more time out of your tight schedule, putting added stress on your already stressed existence. This autopilot way of doing things catches up to you very quickly, and you cannot possibly perform at your optimum. When you constantly give and don’t receive, you eventually find yourself running on empty. When things become a bit overwhelming and your personal and professional “free” time is even more limited than before, it is extremely essential for you to “recharge your battery” and take some quality time to care for yourself without feeling selfish. If you don’t jump off the merry-go-round you’re on and do something positive for yourself, no one else will. The buck stops with you, but you must first stop blaming yourself, others, the economy, external events, and situations that you find yourself in at this time. Accept your responsibility to be the person you were meant to be and make the necessary changes to turn things around in your favor. You are embarking on a most important and life-changing journey. You will experience the joy of living a life that is fulfilling amid economic downturns and mounting personal responsibilities. The time has come for giving up the false notion of the control you think you have in your life. Let go; change your thoughts, words, and actions; and adopt the rejuvenating approach to life that the Life Lessons introduce. You have absolutely nothing to lose and so very much to gain. All that is required is that you have an open mind, heart, and spirit in order to enjoy a restoring lifestyle. It is within your reach, and the insights presented are both practical and easily workable into your busy schedule—once you finally decide they’re worth the effort. These are the current challenges in my life for which I seek solutions:

You need to stop putting undue pressure on yourself and limit “doing” too much too soon in a short period of time. On this nurturing journey, prepare yourself to connect with your inner self, your children, and your students in new and exciting ways. Start by setting aside a few minutes each day to read, absorb, and apply the wisdom that the Life Lesssons offer. Choose a comfortable place and time to learn to check in with your feelings and begin to heal any emotional roadblocks to your best life now: painful memories, limited resources, unresolved anger, grief, or failed attempts to reach out to others in meaningful ways.

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Life Lesson 1

As Ron Scolastico, distinguished academic psychologist and spiritual teacher, so eloquently expresses in Healing the Heart, Healing the Body, “When you learn to lovingly step outside of your experiencing at the right time, then you will gain a valuable new perspective on your inner patterns. . . . By reminding yourself each day that you have this freedom, you will remember that you are the one who creates your inner experience moment by moment. If that experience is leading to challenge and lack of health, you have the freedom to re-create it in ways that are more beautiful, fulfilling, and healthful.” Make it a daily ritual to schedule some well-deserved quiet time to reflect. When you set aside the time for stillness, you actually begin to realize the little transformations in your daily routines when you least expect them. With consistent dedication, you will begin to notice a deeper connection with your authentic self first, and then with all who touch your life. You will slowly recognize a distinct shift in your relationships at home and at school. You will begin to enjoy frequent moments of welcome contentment. Noticing the revelation of the insights functioning in your daily life is in itself a validation that you are on the right path. When you feel more comfortable about sharing your perceptions and newfound sensitivity, seek the feedback of others in your life. This type of interaction and sharing will validate your efforts and encourage your commitment. Verbally noting ways of taking control of the things you can change, and letting go of the others that are out of your control, is a way of building credence in your ability to live more positively. It is also a means to free your mind, heart, and spirit, to create new ways to make necessary changes. One of the most powerful ways to stay focused in the face of any challenge is to simply close your eyes and picture a time when things will be much better. Visualize your current circumstances going the way you want them to go. See things unfolding ideally. Emotionally connect with how you will feel when they do. By staying anchored to an uplifting vision, you remain motivated no matter how tough your current home or school situation may be. Old ways of doing things that are not working in your life and that are not in the least stimulating will slowly fade away. Meeting with others for the express intention of communicating on a deeper level will be the inspiration that is needed for you to persevere. Seek a good listener and ask for help when you need it, and above all, celebrate your successes. As you move forward on your quest for your best life now, you are entitled to the support of others you trust. If you don’t feel secure in sharing interactions with others, you can rely on daily personal reflection in order to get the positive support that your efforts deserve to make lasting changes in your life. Jot your experiences down in

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your journal to chart your progress. This gesture will also offer validation for more headway along the way. These are the little transformations that I hope to see in myself at this beginning point on my journey:

These are the little transformations I hope to see as I positively connect with my kids and students at this beginning stage on my journey:

The prerequisite for fulfilling your life’s purpose is to take a leadership role and become a champion for your own life. Life Lessons will guide you to be better able to access your inner strength to build self-confidence to achieve your life’s purpose. The journey won’t be easy. You and others may sometimes question your efforts. With dedication, attention to the objectives of the insights, and hard work, you will know exactly what it is you need to do to be your true self. The next step on this life-changing journey is to realize that you and you alone are the stimulus for real change in your life. No one else has any power over you; no one can set your fate or dictate your destiny—ever. You must accept the awesome responsibility to create a masterpiece of your life. There is great peace in taking accountability for your life. As you accept this responsibility, you will notice that every thing that happens in your life will become an opportunity to learn and grow. As challenging as your own kids, students, or current family, school, or economic circumstances are, you will begin to view your life as one that has options. If something is not working in your current life situation, envision another outcome, and explore the possibilities and opportunities to accomplish it. When you take ownership of your life, you engage a powerful divine source to support your efforts. This force will bring you exactly what you need, when you need it, and give you the courage to make necessary changes. The most amazing thing about all of this is that you can initially disbelieve it and still experience the truth of it in your life. It is important to be open to all possibilities. I have worked with many disbelievers and many more skeptical educators, and they all have been amazed at the results. When you focus on positive alternatives and specific intentions in your life, things have a way of being seen more clearly. Everything that happens in your life has a reason—for you to learn. Chances to overcome challenges will present themselves in your daily routines.

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Life Lesson 1

Take notice of the happenings in your life, and make use of the opportunities that are already there. Being in the right state of mind creates an atmosphere to draw the right people, things, and events toward you to enable real change to take place. Favorable circumstances will begin to unfold when you actively look for them. As you become more aware of the wonderful potential in your life, take all the time you need for each Life Lesson to guide you to connect with your authentic self and others in your life. The time has come for a great adventure! These are the things that are not working in my life now:

These are the positive outcomes I envision at this time:

The best thing that you can do for yourself is to begin taking care of yourself by defining your values and reordering priorities. Are you surprised? Up until now, perhaps, you haven’t realized how important it is for you to honor your own self first in order to be a good person and educator. If what you’re experiencing in your life isn’t balanced and joyful, you owe it to yourself to consider an alternative approach to bring about desired changes. Ask yourself these questions: Am I living from day to day, just reacting to what is going on in my life at home and school? Have I settled for what is easy and safe for the time being? Am I just managing the challenges in my life from day to day as they come along? Am I overly stressed most of the time? Am I worried about myself and my relationships? If you answered yes to one or more of these questions, then the time has come to take a transforming direction. You and only you can lessen the stressors in your daily existence. It’s never too late. Take charge of your life by being open to letting go of the control you think you have, including your old ways of doing things. Attune yourself to the wisdom of the journey ahead. Take away from the Life Lessons only what rings true to you, and what you know will work in your life, and leave all the rest behind. Incorporate what resonates as truth and can readily be applied to your particular circumstances. When doing so, pay close attention to the subtle differences in yourself as you start to embrace the insights by consciously incorporating them into your daily routine. As your commitment grows, you will come to appreciate the commonsense approach of this life-changing path and welcome it. You will be making your well-being a priority. Taking care of yourself is really a responsibility to you and everyone around you. Everything you say and do radiates to all those you love, play, and work

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with on a daily basis. This is much like the ripple effect when a stone is thrown into a still pond. Everything you say and do, good or bad, diffuses beyond you and affects others in your life and, much like the Energizer Bunny, keeps on going and going. This ripple effect most intensely touches those who are closest to you. These are some of the things I can do now to start to take care of myself:

These are the things I’d most like to do to nurture myself in the near future:

Define Your Values Today in this technological age, we are all “caught up” in a fast-paced, everchanging world. Many times your needs and those you love are lost in the shuffle. In many situations, you are forced to put just a bandage on a gaping wound. When it comes to finding solutions for the day-to-day challenges, you often inadvertently neglect the very heart of a matter and react to the situation with a quick fix. In essence, what you are creating is an environment that is not conducive to wellness and peace. When it comes to successfully managing your own life and positively influencing the lives of your kids and students, you are “out of sync,” and you still keep pretending that you can handle things. When you finally give up that false notion and realize that you need some different and sustaining alternatives, only then will you be able to start to turn your life situation around for the better. Care for your stressed-out body by nurturing yourself. Do the things that offer physical, emotional, and spiritual rejuvenation. Self-nurturing can be lengthy or short, simple or detailed, enjoyed by you alone or with others. It’s always your choice. Consider the options that appeal to you as part of your nourishing routine: enjoying a chorus presentation with your students, taking pleasure in a good novel instead of a textbook, working out at the gym, giving and receiving love. To self-nurture means creating the time and the space for you to let go of daily stressors, and it permits you to revel in sensual and/or creative delight. It can be as individual as you are. To take care of yourself in a self-nurturing manner focuses on the connection of your body, mind, and spirit for needed balance. It can involve taking the time to reflect on your busy day, reading poetry, redecorating your classroom, practicing yoga, or training for a marathon. In essence, all acts of self-kindness have a single thread in common: they’re for you and for your health, well-being, and enjoyment.

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More times than not, when a crisis arises, you unfortunately are so quick to give up this type of validation. Again, you put yourself at the bottom of your own to-do list. Negative emotions soon creep in again and take over your thoughts. You erroneously think, “If I don’t take care of the situation, no one else will.” Especially when more demands on your time and energy arise, giving up your self-supporting activities has a huge pessimistic effect on your psyche. Relying on nurturing activities is always centering. They are a way to slow down and at the same time invigorate because acts of self-care are needed for rest for an overloaded mind. During times of great stress, those special activities that you do for yourself offer a break from emotional pain and a way for you to be more centered when your normal busy life is turned upside-down. During times when you must rely heavily on your inner resources, the activities that bring you much fulfillment keep you from unnecessary negativity. To put it simply, when you engage in activities that are liberating for you—taking a brisk walk, laughing with your students, enjoying a drink with a coworker, or listening to soothing music—they not only help you feel better but make you feel more alive. When things in your life seem to be out of control, don’t underestimate the opportunities to say yes to offers of help from coworkers and friends when they are warranted. It is always good to develop an active support system. Help can come in different ways: your students monitoring their own behavior, a coworker supporting you by taking your turn with bus duty, or just ordering take-out on an extra-long school day. Think of little things that just simply lessened your load in the past: a coworker monitoring your class while you took that important phone call, sipping a steaming cup of tea during a stressful district program audit, or enjoying a great glass of your favorite wine at the end of parent-teacher conferences. When you work smarter rather than harder, good things come in sometimes unimaginable ways. Give a gift to yourself of something that gives you both stress release and motivation when things get overly demanding. What’s really important is that you not feel guilty. You’ll probably really have to work on that! It is necessary in effective self-nurturing activities to strive for guilt-free determination. The challenging part is to make the time for yourself in your schedule a priority, and take it! Many times when one crisis ends, a new one takes its place. When you postpone self-care until life calms down, you may be waiting for a long time. The secret is to recognize that it is not selfish to do what allows you to unconditionally give to yourself and others. It’s not selfishness to treat yourself any less than the way you love and care for others.

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This is a list of what I value:

These are the things I can incorporate into my home and school routine in order to nurture myself:

These are the ways I seek the support of others to lessen the stressors in my life:

Translate Good Intentions to Competence Good basic personal and professional coping skills don’t ever change by outside forces: events, societal pressures, money problems, or health issues. Perhaps in the past the interventions you have employed have fallen short of your expectations. Over the years, you may have fallen victim to half-truths, skewed data, and false interpretations that have often left you confused and frustrated. It is time to translate your good intentions to competent skills. When all is said and done, what is most important to remember is that others in your life want what you want . . . to be loved, respected, and to be appreciated for who they are. If your current survival skills are not effective, be willing to at least try doing some things differently. Be willing to move your position in favor of a fresh direction. You will be encouraged not only by the results but by the journey itself. The time for a life with less stress and a renewed sense of purpose has come. No matter what challenges you face, know that you have within you what it takes to make positive changes. You and others who are close to you are worth the time you take and effort you will make from this moment on. Life is truly lived passionately when you realize that there are things that you can control and things that you can’t. Knowing the difference will set you free. It is not only important to acquire reliable coping skills but to form the action plans necessary for you to get on a solid path for change. You must be willing to learn how to make better choices. As an educator, you know that often the most difficult part of learning something new is unlearning something old. Acknowledge and accept accountability for your role in improving your life and your relationships. Implement decisions that foster open communication with all those who are important to you. What is holding you back? The action plans proposed to help you accomplish these things do not require any

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money or fame. Your effort, attention, trust, and patience are all free and within your reach now. Are you willing to accept the challenge to change your life for the better? Wait no longer. There is no greater time than the present to continue with commitment. A better life that translates all your good intentions into proven skills is in your reach. This is a list of the things that I cannot change in my current life situation:

This is a list of the things that I can change in my current life situation:

This is the first thing I will do differently to change a negative situation in my life: These are some other positive, nurturing changes that I will make as I progress along my journey:

Drive Fear Out The time has come to drive out any fear that is interfering with your best life. Welcome the responsibility. Share the values that you hold so dear to your heart with conviction. Define a moral and spiritual universe for yourself. Communicate the trust and respect that are the integral aspects to create a harmonious home and school environment. Making these changes will often inspire others in your life to pursue their own personal fulfillment. Apply the wisdom of the Life Lessons, which serves as a compass to guide you in meeting the challenges to desired outcomes. They are the foundation for a more joyful life. Most importantly, you will secure two valuable assets on the path ahead to help you persevere on your journey: confidence and validation. These resources will provide the catalyst for the life you are meant to live. The Life Lessons are in no way exhaustive, but they serve to establish a positive mind-set and the direction to bring about the outcomes that you seek. They will help you establish a favorable environment in which to grow. As you gain the self-assurance by actively pursuing this life-giving spiritual connection, be an attentive student and a patient role model. Learn your lessons well. Take all the time needed for practice and growth. Share them with others in ways that they will understand and that will help them enrich their own lives.

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Whatever your beliefs or traditions, and whatever you will be presented within these pages, only accept as truth what makes sense to you. Listen. Learn. Keep an open mind. Knowledge is power. Your inner strength will lead you on your own personal path to positive action. See yourself in others. They truly want what you want: to have their needs met, to be loved, and to be respected. Ask for perseverance along the way. Begin to live your new life passionately and well. Nurture and guide the precious ones in your care along the path to their best life with your gentle, attending presence. Above all else, be there fully in the present for them. These are the values that I will share with others:

I am confident when I

I feel validated when I

These are the things in my life I will strive for to feel more confident and validated:

I am a patient role model when I

Believe in Yourself The same creative force that created the universe created you. Don’t be afraid to believe in yourself. Faith in your abilities is the fountainhead of your peace and happiness. You want to be steadfast and make the right decisions, but you sometimes grow weary. You can’t do it alone. You were not meant to. What is important for you to realize is that others and external events don’t ever have the power to hold you back and keep your dreams at a distance. If you believe otherwise, you are undoubtedly very unhappy sometimes. Let go of the illusions that have held you back until now. Ask for the courage to transform your knowing into action. Opportunities will come to you. Be patient. Be gentle with yourself. Everything in your personal and professional life happens for a reason whether you know it at the time or not. You have all that you need within you to make a change for

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the better, even the most challenging situations. Ask the right questions. Your wisdom will guide you every step of the way of your journey as you tap into your very essence—your spirit. Trust the source of your spirit for all that comes and goes in your life. To live your life to the fullest without all unnecessary fear and anxiety is within your reach. Keep up the pace on your quest and focus on your goal. Know that you are on the right path and are not alone. Don’t be afraid to make mistakes along the way. You will learn from them. You will gain an understanding of what you need to do from repeated practice, a positive attitude, and fearless optimism. You may not like the things that are going on in your life, but if you accept your circumstances and realize that “they are what they are,” you can initiate a positive action plan to make the situation better. Resistance to what is going on in your life only causes more stress and serves only to make the situation even worse. Resistance is useless. What you resist always persists. There is no one or anything that can steal your joy, ever! Start now by accepting, but not liking, the negative circumstances in your life. Before you can change anything, you have to recognize that what you have or don’t have, what you’re experiencing or lacking is the way it is for now. If you accept the fact that you have some unpleasant things, people, and circumstances in your life, they cease to have power over you. What will make the difference now is that you are acquiring the necessary knowledge and skills to better deal with the stressors in your life. This is a list of my talents and abilities:

These are the ways that I will use my many talents and abilities to be happy and fulfilled:

These are my goals for creating my best life now:

These are my action plans to reach each goal and make them a reality in my life:

Mind, Heart, and Spirit Alignment When you accept but not necessarily like what’s going on in your life, you are ready to receive all the blessings that are available to you. They often some-

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times come by the way of an idea to improve your situation, a message on television, a sign in a store, or the support of an administrator or coworker who offers impartial advice or an effective intervention. You only have to seek them out. Ask specifically for each one of them. Blessings are available to you when you accept what is, rather than resist the negativity around you. When you accept the circumstances in your life and create action plans for modifications, you can finally move forward on the path to more joy. I do not like but I acknowledge these things in my life situation:

In the school environment consider how you would react to a student throwing a temper tantrum in the bus line. Do you scream, “Stop that this minute!” or “You need a serious attitude adjustment!” and then watch the temper tantrum escalate with no sign of stopping? In this electrifying situation, screaming at the student or even talking calmly would probably not be effective. What’s an educator to do? It is important first to know that the student’s behavior has a reason behind it. It could be physical (an earache) or emotional (bad behavior as a way to get what is wanted). Kids need to feel accepted and to belong. When they can’t get these things with good behavior, they quickly find out that misbehavior is the payoff. If they believe that they can’t get attention or control in a useful way, they seek it by misbehaving, or by doing something annoying: kicking a table leg over and over again, screaming incessantly, or constantly interrupting your instruction. In the heat of the moment a strategy that works is to ignore the annoying behavior. Say nothing. Appear calm. If you don’t react, the student will usually soon grow tired and stop the inappropriate behavior. He soon would realize that the behavior of choice is not getting the satisfaction or the reward that was hoped for. It is not very easy for many educators to say or do nothing in a situation like this. Try it, and see what happens. When employing this very effective strategy, practice makes perfect. Give it some time. It works! If you don’t feel at all comfortable saying or doing nothing in a situation where a student is out of control in a large crowd and others are being disturbed, first remove the student and then say or do nothing until the student calms down. Make an honest effort to remain calm in negative circumstances. Step back from the situation. Take a deep breath. Just be present in the moment. Avoid being judgmental. Ask for guidance in an unpleasant situation. Wait for the answer that comes from a place of silence and inner peace. Help will come knowing what to do in the form of ideas, words to say, and the actions

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to be put in motion. Take the time necessary to ask, listen, and reflect on the wisdom that comes from deep inside you. Trust the truth that lies there. Think about offering the student choices when negative behaviors start to surface. You might say, “You have two choices: you may leave the room for a ‘time out’ or go to your seat and continue quietly on your assignment. You decide.” If choices don’t work, however, do mention consequences: “While I’m helping other students, go on to another question that you can answer independently or read over the chapter material until I can help you. If I am disturbed again, your homework will be doubled. You choose.” If the student does not honor the choices given and settles for the “or if” part, don’t renege; keep your promise give a double homework assignment. Be firm. There is no room for negotiation at this time. In this situation the student needs an educator and not a friend! A cycle exists when you get angry and fight back when a student is relentlessly misbehaving. If you give in to the tantrum, the misbehavior may stop for the time being, but what lesson have you taught? What lesson has the student learned? You have enabled the young one to repeat the undesired behavior whenever attention or control is sought the next time. This is a list of my changed thoughts, words, and actions so far on my journey:

Miraculously, in times of great need, others come into your life and offer assistance in various ways to help you manage, or alter, a negative situation— often when you least expect them. Be open to the possibilities. Rely on your strength and put an action plan together to better your life and relationships so that repeated negative circumstances may be prevented in the future. You can’t change the situation. It is what it is. You can only change how you think, speak, and act concerning any challenges that you face. There are many avenues available to help with the disappointments you may experience. Seek interventions when they are needed. It is a sign of strength, not of weakness, to do so. You always have a choice, though, of how you view the negativity in your personal and professional life and how you go about transforming circumstances into positive solutions. This is how I usually react in a negative situation:

These are the blessings I seek in a negative situation, and I am open to them:

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Be mindful that you always have a choice of how you respond to any negative situation. A simple step is to take a deep breath, calm your fears, and be in the moment. When you are removed from any negativity, you are free to establish alternative positive solutions. You know your kids and students better than anyone. What do you know in your heart is the reason for the lack of control? If you’re not quite sure, ask the right questions to yourself first, then to those close to you, and soon you will come upon the possible triggers: fear, tiredness, worry, needs not satisfied, academic failure, peer pressure—all can bring about the unwanted behaviors. When you know the source of the inappropriate behavior, the better you can deal with things more effectively. This is how I will respond to any negative personal situation:

This is how I will respond to any negative professional situation:

Reorder Your Priorities What is important to you? Do you really know? What will make your life more livable and enjoyable? Give yourself a few minutes to jot these ideas down. Take a deep breath, relax, and take a step back from the problems that you’re now facing. Accept the reality of negative forces in your life. You are then more readily willing to ask for the guidance to enable you to make right choices. Ask for the vision to more clearly sense, see, and act upon the strategies that will turn your life around. Honestly look at your life situation and acknowledge that what is going on is sometimes painful and sometimes frightening: “I am impatient.” “I need to feel more respected.” “My coworkers take me for granted most of the time.” “My students talk back to me.” Get to the point where you can say, “These things are happening in my life, I don’t like them, but I’m okay at this moment.” What is your relationship with the present? Have you really ever thought about it? To get yourself out of an unpleasant situation, make peace with the present, as it is happening, or when an unpleasant thought arises in your mind. Happiness comes from deep within you when you access the present. There you will find the strength to take action. Moments of living in presence erode stressful situations and past hurts and retrain your mind to let go of acute false perceptions.

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The eternal now, the present, is the foundation for continued progress ahead on your life-changing journey. The present is all you really have. The past is just the past, and the future may never come as you picture it. To move forward at this stage of your journey, say to yourself, “I can change my thoughts about what is going on now in my life. I can change my words and my actions to reflect a positive attitude. I need to make sure of these things to achieve the balance in the life that I am seeking.” Life is an adventure! Accept and embrace the uncertainty of it! Enjoy it! Embrace the present. Be at peace with not knowing the infinite possibilities that will open up to you along your way. Fear, anxiety, worry, regret—none of these can block the energy that abounds in your newfound motivation. Pay attention. Answers will come from within and without. This is my reordered, workable, and manageable list of priorities that will help bring balance into my daily life:

These are the action plans to make my new priorities a reality in my personal life:

These are the little transformations I have experienced already as I begin to commit to know my authentic self:

It’s only when we truly know and understand that we have a limited time on earth and that we have no way of knowing when our time is up—that we begin to live each day to the fullest, as if it was the only one we had. —Elizabeth Kubler-Ross

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Life Lesson 2 Awaken to a New Beginning; Be Open to Your Power

Your vision will become clear only when You can look into your own heart. Who looks outside, dreams; Who looks inside, awakes. —Carl Jung

Awaken to a New Beginning

A

NEW CHAPTER IN YOUR LIFE IS READY to unfold; a new direction is to be explored. Pertinent questions will be asked and answered. Different experiences and better outcomes are realized as you take delight in self-discovery. In Healing the Heart, Healing the Body, Ron Scolastico, PhD, affirms that “there can be many factors in your personal experience that can cause you to feel a lack of purpose and meaning. Through patient inner work with yourself, you can come to understand those factors, and then you can go forth to change them in the ways that you believe will be helpful to you.” Conscious living requires having an open mind, heart, and spirit along with the desire to create your best life. Living passionately requires a sustained effort. Amid the fact that your working hours are increasing and more demands are put on your relationships that create blurred boundaries, you are more focused. Creating the life you are meant to live now calls. You need to define limits and carve out the time needed to create the balance you crave. Establish harmony in your life by securing the quiet time needed to align your mind, heart, and spirit.

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Slow Down Life Lesson 2 shares the wisdom to assist you to slow down, experience stillness, and awaken to your life’s true purpose. Start small by securing “islands of silence” in your daily routine. In your car, instead of listening to the radio, your iPod, or a CD, use the time to think about your dreams and goals. Reflect on how your day is going or how to make it more positive. At school, turn off the lights and shut the door, if only for a few minutes between classes or meetings. Take a few deep breaths and relax. At home in the evening, close your bedroom door or slip outside for some fresh air. Just do it! Believe in the transforming power of quietude in your noisy and hurried life. Honor yourself. Experience how restorative these special peaceful times are to you and your well-being. Moments of silence are instant times of grace and blessings. It may be a bit foreign to you at first, but the longer you embrace the present and capture stillness in your daily routine, the more you will seek it out. Being still even for a very short time is ever so calming and restorative. Savoring a few precious moments of silence at the beginning or ending of your day, either at home or at school, will leave you refreshed and ready to tackle the demands of your busy and rushed existence. These are the ways how I slow down during my busy day at school:

These are the things I do to make my evening with my family more calm and less hurried:

Relax One way to create calmness in your daily routine is to relax. Relaxation can be achieved anywhere with no regard to what is going on around you. Relaxation is your natural state. You are automatically relaxed when you stop doing the things you normally do. It’s not easy to refrain from what you usually do. Habits are hard to break. Most of the time you move from one thing to another all day long and don’t notice how programmed you really are. Doing what you do as an educator also requires some translation and understanding to navigate the momentum that has built up when you move from one activity, class, or meeting to another without a break. You rarely get the insight you need right when you really need it, if you continue to live a hurried lifestyle without depth.

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When you’re stressed and frantic, other pressing voices—your partner’s, children’s, students’ coworkers’, or good meaning friends’—drown out your own. You’re likely to be sidetracked by the nagging “could haves” and “should haves” instead of focusing on what you truly need. You are more open to clarity at times of stillness than you are in the heat of a negative moment or when you automatically react to a new challenge. Reclaim peace in your life with daily breaks to retreat inward, if only for a short time. Drawing on your intuition regularly helps maintain the clarity to keep the should haves and could haves at bay. Relaxing when times get tough, knowing that “this too shall pass,” enables you to “roll with the punches” a little easier. If you keep in mind that events and situations inevitably arise to challenge you on your journey, you can be more detached when they do occur. Problems become worse when you fight the negative feelings and try to force a solution. By relaxing, accepting situations as they are, and easing into whatever struggles emerge, you remain more flexible and open to insight for more feasible outcomes. Even if you have difficulty letting go of negative feelings, you can at least observe yourself not taking things so personally or seriously. This in itself helps you detach from being the victim and from being overwhelmed by the depressing feeling of a defeating experience. Whatever is happening now won’t be happening next week or next year, so just keep taking long cleansing breaths until the negativity subsides or passes. This too shall pass. The habit of reflecting on the causes, solutions, and ultimate benefits of a challenge you are experiencing is one that will profoundly improve your effectiveness on your journey. Thinking deeply about how you are doing things increases self-awareness. Reflection helps promote learning from past mistakes. Transform previous stumbling blocks into stepping stones. Reflect and correct the things that are not working in your personal and professional life. In doing so, you are charting a new course and are assured that you will not repeat the actions that drain you of higher-energy patterns. Problem solving in a calm manner, then defining a positive action plan, can turn the challenges at hand into opportunities for change. The problemsolving mind functions best during unstructured time. When you are engaged in “mindless” activities—humming a tune, sipping coffee, brushing your hair, or listening to the song of the birds—your mind is free to sort through the accumulated information stored there. At these times, you can find answers that your focused mind is too engaged to come up with. That’s why a former student’s name, directions to a familiar conference, or popular song lyrics often come to mind when you are brushing you teeth, getting dressed, or falling asleep. Einstein projected his theory of relativity by wondering what it would be like riding a moonbeam. Newton discovered the law of gravity while sitting under a tree in an orchard. It’s not that these advances sprang out of nowhere.

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These scientists spent many years reading, researching, and experimenting in their areas of expertise before they had an “aha” moment. Undirected, stress-free moments allow the mind to make connections that wouldn’t be made otherwise. The undirected mind, without nonstop thinking, literally pulls together seemingly unrelated bits of information stored in unconnected regions of the brain and combines them in a way that the directed mind can’t possibly perform. Constant “busyness” engages the part of the nervous system that makes the body run at high gear. Increased heart rate and high blood pressure suppress the immune system and impair short-term memory. During periods of rest, another part of the nervous system takes over and you begin to take deeper breaths. Your pulse rate slows down, which allows the immune and circulatory systems to reset themselves to normal balanced functioning. Stress is being relieved in these times of calmness. During your day, whether at home or school, make at least an effort to “kick back,” relax, and thus boost your immune system and help your memory function at optimal levels. As if health and creativity weren’t enough to justify “chilling out,” consider the benefits to your relationships. When you’re racing from one thing to another and juggling several things at once, you miss out on the simple pleasures of being with, learning about, and truly appreciating others in your life. Research shows that children around adults who are constantly racing with the clock, end up being stressed themselves. They’re victims of an atmosphere of anxiety and schedule obsession. Simply put, allowing yourself the time for a little rest and relaxation makes you happier and more pleasant to be around, which in turn, makes your family, students, and others in your life happier, too. These are the ways I can slow down and relax at school:

These are the actions I can take to kick back and loosen up during the evening:

The secret about quiet moments in your life is their spiritual dimension. Slowing down, seeking a little silence during your day, is an essential part of who you are. You need time to be active and engaged, but you also need time to take a step back and enjoy being alone for a while. This is the time to truly “recharge your battery.” It is in these tranquil moments that you ask the right questions and come to realize your true essence. Finding your quiet center strengthens you for any challenges. In the present when you access your inner

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stillness, even when you are in the midst of fast-moving events, you are energized. That time centered on being quiet—what you may have called wasted time in the past—will soon be referred to as invested time, in yourself and all those who are closest to you. Everyone has different ways of winding down. Most often, relaxing involves a change of pace from the daily grind. The key is to make relaxation a regular part of your schedule. The goal is to refocus your mind and let go of extraneous distractions. Relaxation offers a good opportunity to create a list of activities for when stress levels climb. The first step for relaxing during the course of your day is to include finding a quiet place: the library, your classroom, a deserted park bench, your car, or, in some cases, the bathroom! Another effective measure when you feel overwhelmed is to breathe slowly, taking a deep, cleansing breath and exhaling slowly. Repeat this strategy as many times as needed for it to be effective. Close your eyes and take your mind, heart, and spirit to your own personal paradise island, and imagine yourself enjoying your surroundings in this special place, if only for just a few moments. Listen to soft music. Put up your feet in the faculty room during a prep period. Curl up on the sofa with a good book or a cup of hot cocoa. Take a brisk walk with your pet. Engage in the activities or hobbies that relax you. Do whatever it is that keeps your mind off the things that normally create stress in your life and off the people or events that you just need a break from every now and then. This is one thing that I can do to relieve daily stress at school:

This is one thing that I can do to relieve daily stress at home:

Learn to trust your intuition on important issues by first focusing on lower-risk things. Focus on daily schedule challenges with full attention. Instead of asking yourself, “What can I do to complete all of the things on my to-do list today?” say, “What would be the most satisfying thing to complete first?” “What activity would be of most service to my students?” Then, move to deeper concerns: “Would I be happier if I changed schools?” “How can I motivate my students?” “How can I show my kids I value them?” Keep these questions in the back of your mind, and when a feeling comes to mind or when an emotion is stirred, include it in your journal. Consider alternative solutions to the challenges you experience on a daily basis in these reflective moments.

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Once you get more comfortable in trusting your inner wisdom, follow your intuition, one step at a time. You may experience fear at first when employing this powerful strategy because it leads to changes, changes that you think you’re not ready for yet. Keep in mind though, that change doesn’t have to be immediate. If you get the feeling that it’s time to move to another location or change careers, the best thing is to think through the idea, noting all the pros and cons of your action. Don’t make any rash or uninformed decisions. Research the area online that you think you’d like to move to; visit selected places; spend some time there to be sure it feels right to you; check out the school system, salary ranges, and average home prices. If you’d like to change careers, first update your résumé, surf the Internet for job possibilities or network with others already in the profession you seek for some needed insight, or take night classes. Trust your instincts, but get the facts too, no matter what changes you are pondering. Begin with some choice or decision that you need to make. Use what resources you have that are relevant. Study the situation, examine your feelings, and refer to your thorough list of pro and cons. This period of preparation is important. Intuitive information can build upon the foundation of facts and data that you collect and evaluate at the conscious level. The time spent in preparation also places you in a position of attunement with the area or topic of your concern. After you have studied the situation from every angle, make your own decision based on your needs and those of the ones you love. This is the course of action I can take to listen more closely to my intuition:

This is a deeper concern for which I seek an answer:

Meditation Another effective method of bringing stillness into your life is to meditate. Many people think of meditation as a somewhat archaic practice reserved for nuns and priests in contemplative religious orders, Buddhist monks, or old church ladies that don’t have anything better to do. While it has been around for many centuries, it is a positive force in the modern world, the one you live in with all the daily stressors. Look at meditation in a fresh, new way for the benefits you will derive from it. Meditation is the “gateway” to get in touch with your authentic self. It is a practice that benefits all of you: your mind, heart, and spirit.

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When you go into a meditative state, you will receive a picture of your identity, reality, and the next step to take on your journey to your best life. It is a state of communication; it is not a way to go somewhere to get lost. Meditation is the means to get informed and to go to a place that nourishes you. Through inner exploration, meditation awakens creativity, healing, and transformation. You spend most of your life looking outward to the world of form and phenomena, believing that the source of happiness and fulfillment lies external to yourself. During meditation, you expand your internal reference point from local to nonlocal, from constricted awareness and an encapsulated ego to a field of ever-present witnessing awareness. Meditation allows you to explore your essential nature, restoring the memory of wholeness and truth in your life. Meditation is not about forcing your mind to be quiet; rather it is a process to rediscover the stillness that is ever present. Behind the scenes of your internal dialogue is the silence of pure awareness. This silence is not disturbed by thoughts of the past or concerns for the future. In meditation you are able to access the silent space between your thoughts. You then enter into a field of unbounded awareness. The silence you experience in meditation is in the gap between conscious thoughts. Experiencing this plane of quiet awareness allows you to recognize that your authentic self is not the many thoughts that fill your mind, but the silent witness to them. There are many different ways to meditate. You can focus for an extended period of time on breathing and mantra repetition, or you can practice “mindfulness,” which involves regarding the thoughts and feelings that come through as though you were an objective, outside observer. By allowing thoughts to come and go without judging or reacting to them, they will slowly lose their power over you. Not only will this relieve the stressors in your life, but it will also give you a sense of control over how you feel. This is important in alleviating negative feelings. It does, however, take practice to keep from mentally straying when engaged in meditative exercises, but if you meditate for as little as five minutes at a time, you will start reaping its benefits. Regular practice of meditation helps establish inner peace, provides access to creativity, and enables you to make more life-affirming choices. It also guides you to recognize that you are capable of making conscious choices that enable you to experience enjoyment and enthusiasm in your personal and professional life. By reducing stress and fatigue, meditation enables you to connect with your higher self where energy and inner self-awareness are your natural state of being. The main purpose of meditation is to enrich all aspects of your life: mind, heart, and spirit. The art of meditation is not hard to learn; however, it does take time to master. To meditate, first find a place that is quiet and has few distractions.

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The environment should be conducive to developing sustained awareness. Minimize physical discomfort so that the circulatory paths of the body remain open to maintain the flow of the body’s energy. Either sit in a chair or kneel on a mat. Your spine should be straight and your shoulders relaxed. Breathe through your nose. Either close your eyes or open them while keeping them unfocused. Your hands should rest on your legs with the thumbs of both hands covering the nails of the index fingers. The hands in this position form an OK sign. The backs of the hands rest on the thighs. While these steps offer a more formal method of meditation, I have found that relaxing in a favorite comfortable, overstuffed chair or sofa with my legs crossed has also been conducive to a most rewarding meditation. Whatever place or position works for you in your endeavor to encounter “islands of silence” in your day, continue to make it your practice without regard to what works for others or what is recommended by experts. Your goal is clarity and insight, and how you arrive at your goal is as unique as you are! Begin your meditation practice for only two minutes. Increase the time as you become more familiar with the process. This is where I will meditate at school or home:

This is the time when I will meditate at school or home:

Take a few deep, cleansing breaths. Feel yourself relaxing. Let go of your fears and anxieties. Clear your mind of distractions. Go deep within yourself to your very being that recognizes truth and takes joy in it. There you will receive strength and motivation. Tap into the wisdom that is there, absorb it, and surround yourself with its transformative power. This is your very essence. Draw from your source while the troubles of the day are melting away. What are you feeling now? Ask the questions that are important to you. Be still. Think of nothing. Trust completely. Listen to your breathing; liken it to the ebb and flow of ocean tides. Ask the questions for which you are seeking answers. The answers will come—slowly at first, perhaps just partial answers—but they will come. They will be surprisingly clear, and you will come to know how to live them. Believe in your source to guide you on the meaningful path that you have begun. Savor the moment. Emerge from this experience refreshed and energized. Take the opportunity in your reenergized state to interact positively with others. Validate them in a manner of calmness and ease. Take note of your

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interactions with them. Is this a strategy that you think will work for you to center yourself? Will it be helpful to establish a more peaceful environment? Is the drama of the past a little lessened after the time spent in meditation? These are my reactions to the meditation practice:

This is where and when I can regularly carve out “islands of silence” that are free of distractions and interruption at school/home:

These are the subtle changes that I am experiencing in my life so far on my journey:

Experience Stillness in Your Daily Routine Carry this meditative process with you during your daily activities. During a few precious quiet moments during the day either at home or school, turn off your cell phone. If the call is important, the caller will leave a message or call back later. Turn off the computer, TV, video games, and other electronic devices even for a short period at first. What would your day look like without these familiar friends? Perhaps a whole day without the noise is stretching the point, so how about an hour, a half hour, or just five minutes of quiet time in your day to start? Does the thought of having your phone, computer, TV, or BlackBerry turned off for only a short time seem almost impossible to bear? By going through these actions, you will consciously be willing yourself to slow down. The “art of teaching” calls us to live at depth but we can not live at depth when we live at speed. This important strategy of creating some quiet time in your day is paramount to lasting life changes. This vital addition of stillness built into your daily routine will help you live at a deeper level and not being shallow, superficial, and always rushing to keep up with your overscheduled life. Being so busy and overworked isn’t a status symbol or good for your overall well being! After these “quiet zone” times, observe how you feel. Are you calmer? Are you more refreshed? Are you better able to concentrate on, or cope with, what’s next on your agenda? Do you feel any difference at all? These are my impressions after experiencing quiet moments during the day:

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These are the differences in how I do things after some quiet time:

Mind, Heart, and Spirit Alignment Practice Your mind, heart, and spirit are connected. It makes perfect sense to do whatever it takes to calm the mind, body, and spirit to experience sacred stillness, if only for a few moments during your day. There are answers in the silence, the acknowledgements that you seek for a life of abundance. How often do you relax and do nothing at all? How often do you meditate? Quieting your thoughts each day will shift you to that deep place of inner wisdom. While meditation is one of the best methods for relaxing the mind and processing stress, you may sometimes feel you can’t possibly relax and be less anxious, even while meditating. No matter how difficult it is, or how often you try, you feel as though you are wasting time. You think that being still and centered is almost next to impossible in your sometimes hectic life. It is possible, though, to take the meditative process slowly, to take just one small step at a time and come to know your own deeper self, your very essence in a time frame and a place that are appropriate for you. Review often the steps on how to meditate. Remember, practice makes perfect, even in meditation! When you practice meditation again, remind yourself to calm the mental noise that separates you from the serenity within. Set yourself apart from problems and conflicts in your life. Focus on all the things that matter: love, enjoyment, enthusiasm, and creativity. Immerse yourself in the peace that is innately within you. Lose yourself in the joy of just being. Your inner wisdom speaks clearly but softly. Tune in to its whisper by making time to do nothing at all. Be still and wait expectantly. Be patient with this process. While meditating, you may become distracted and unable to regain your momentum. If so, begin again to reach for silence. If it is not attainable at this time, some other time may be more suitable. Then honor yourself for striving to be centered and still. Perhaps another day and time will be more appropriate, and you will be more successful. When you regain your momentum and if the time is right for you, center yourself then and wait expectantly. Ask the questions concerning all that is unresolved in your heart. The answers will come. Be open to the changes and new directions that the answers will bring. Ask your source to guide you to inner awareness that you may know the truth. Ask for the positive words and actions that will free you from fear, anxiety, regret, and worry. Attend closely. Listen to the whispers of your soul. At long last, the journey to the alignment of your mind, heart, and spirit is becoming

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realized. It is becoming an integral part of who you are. It is the source of your strength and courage. These are the questions I have asked during meditation:

These are the answers that I have gotten through meditation:

I am open to the changes and new directions that I must make for my best life now:

Meditation is a simple yet powerful tool to improve your overall well-being. Andrew Newberg, MD, associate professor of radiology and psychology at the University of Pennsylvania in Philadelphia, notes that when you meditate, different parts of the brain actually turn on and off, and your nervous system slows down, which short-circuits your stress response. Dr. Newberg’s research suggests that meditation also changes the blood flow to the brain and decreases anxiety while it improves other mental functions. Meditation is the tool for the rediscovery of your body’s own inner intelligence. The silence in meditation is the birthplace of infinite possibilities. From this field of pure potentiality you get your bursts of inspiration, your most intuitive thoughts, and your deepest connection. Practicing it daily allows you to weave stillness into your mind and body to create a life of greater compassion and forgiveness. It is a journey unto itself to the very center of your being, your spirit. It is a journey to the reawakening of your authentic self. When your mind, heart, and spirit are aligned totally in the present, you and your source merge and are truly connected. This is how I feel after meditation practice:

These are the actions I am taking to improve my meditation practice:

As I progress, these are the subtle differences I am experiencing in my meditation practice:

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Be Open to Your Power Let go of the guilt. Take time for yourself. Over the years you have always put your family, students, and others first. Something you lost along the way was giving some preference to what fulfills you. Thinking of yourself, putting your needs first, and taking some very necessary quiet moments in your daily life may seem very foreign to you. Put a few things in perspective if you find yourself thinking of how selfish you are. Be honest; most of the time you work on overload. What is important is to take the time necessary for the “art of living”—the expression and production of all that is beautiful, appealing, or of more than ordinary significance in your life. Tap into the sound advice flight attendants give their passengers just before take-off. “Secure your own oxygen mask first,” a life-sustaining action, and then attend to your children. If things are just not right with you, they won’t be right for your relationships in all things that really matter. It is extremely important on your journey to your best life to manage your time wisely and ask for help when needed both at home and school. Don’t make the mistake of trying to do everything yourself. To bring balance into your daily life is to prioritize what needs to be done. If you run out of time before you finish things of lesser importance, complete them at another time when you’re not experiencing a time crunch in your schedule. Consciously will yourself to slow down during your busy day, especially in trying moments. If just taking a few minutes to be silent and reflect is difficult to accomplish in your daily routine, try at least to consciously slow down and calm yourself by taking a deep breath. You may think this is an insignificant strategy, but it has great value, to both your physical and mental health. Taking deep breaths will help you step back from any situation that challenges you. It enables you to at least release some of the tension you are experiencing. Just about every stress-relieving discipline involves deep breathing. Just a few seconds of it can alter your brain’s chemical balance enough to create a great sense of peace. It is a very easy strategy that can be done anytime and anywhere. Simply being aware of your breathing patterns is a great start. When you are tense you tend to take shallow breaths that increase feelings of stress. When you become aware that this is happening, you can stop, adjust your breathing, and slow down your body’s response to a stressful situation. Be still in the moment and inhale slowly through your nose, then exhale slowly through your mouth. Concentrate on using your diaphragm. Push your abdomen out as you inhale, pull it inward and toward your spine as you exhale and push the air out. Feel your rib cage contracting and expanding with each breath you take. It’s easy to practice while you’re sitting at your desk, standing in line in the cafeteria, or carpooling.

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What is of the utmost importance is to take care of yourself and shortcircuit a major meltdown by taking a couple of deep cleansing breaths. When things calm down a bit, engage in the tranquil practice of relaxation or meditation if possible. Be kind to yourself and take the necessary time to de-stress and be still even for a short time during the day. It’s up to you now. No one can do it for you but you! You’re worth the time and effort that it takes. Just do it! The personal and professional benefits are far-reaching. Others that are close to you will benefit, too. These are the ways I can demonstrate my inner wisdom in daily activities:

This is what I gain from claiming my innate power:

These are the ways others benefit from my newfound strength and courage:

The eyes of my eyes are opened. —E. E. Cummings

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Life Lesson 3 Honor Your Authentic Self; Trust Your Inner Wisdom

We are given two lives: one that we have, one that we choose; live your truth. —Mary Ann Smialek

Loving the Questions The life you have can be very different from the one you choose. You always have a choice regarding how you live your life. Do you continue to do the things the way you’ve done them in the past and still hope things get better? Have you seriously considered doing things to change your situation at school and home? What gets your attention and holds your focus? How do you spend your time? Do these things fulfill you? Do you enjoy your life? Are you enthusiastic about something? Life Lesson 3 highlights the importance of acknowledging and honoring your authentic self, and trusting your inner wisdom. Being in touch with your authentic self is the secret to living a fulfilled life, the one you are meant to live. Do you really know yourself? Have you lost touch with yourself along the way? You know in your heart that there is more to life than what you are experiencing now. You know that you aren’t satisfied, your life isn’t complete, and you have little or no idea how to change things and make them better. From this time on, be consciously aware that you have everything within you for happiness.

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When I was growing up, my mother often said to my sister and me, “Throughout your life you have to make your own good time. You are in charge of your happiness. Don’t depend on others to make you happy.” How very wise she was! Do you rely on others, things, events, or situations to define who you are and to make you happy? What makes you happy? Do you even know? These are tough questions for many educators. You probably don’t even take the necessary time to think of them, amid all the pressures of your daily life that keep you ever running and preoccupied. These are the things that I do that give me a sense of who I really am:

Living authentically, in straightforward terms, is living your truth, the truth that comes from the alignment of your mind, heart, and spirit. It’s consenting to be guided every day by the divine truth that is within you. It’s realizing your best effort in all that you do. It is joyfully awakening to and living your life’s purpose. There is nothing more meaningful than honoring your authentic self, your true essence, and expressing it in all that you think, say, and do. I’m sure that you can think of several stumbling blocks to getting started. The best advice is to stop thinking! If you feel in your heart that you really have no time to get in touch with your inner self, try eliminating your most disliked chore from your to-do list. Why should making the time for you be of such importance? It will wake up your very senses that filled your life when you were in your most creative years. You’ll come to realize that making the effort and carving out some time for you to learn about yourself is most important to your overall well-being. How powerful it is to do even the simplest things you love, instead of just thinking or talking about them. If you add to your life a few things that you love, you will come to understand that you are worth the effort and the time you take for the activities that make you, truly you. Your world really won’t fall apart if you shake it up a bit. This is my passion and what I would like to spend more time on:

Why do you let go of the pastimes you love? Being an educator with all the ramifications that come with that responsibility sometimes makes you feel that you’re not allowed to pursue activities just for the sheer pleasure of

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them. Your interests usually become indulgences that you get to enjoy after all the important “stuff” is done. The reality of the situation is that there is little or no time left at all for you after a busy, stressful day at school and a responsibility-filled evening at home! Fortunately, passions are persistent. As much as you push them away, they’re always there, waiting to get back into your life. When you think you should use your time for more practical things, remind yourself that your dream or interest does have an important place in your life. Your passion’s purpose is to bring you enjoyment, which energizes you as you take on everyday tasks, from packing lunches to talking with your students’ worried parents to leading an important district meeting. Having a reason to “jump out of bed” every morning is one of the most sustaining sources of joy because it awards you something positive to focus on in your life. Some find purpose in being a phenomenal educator. Others find it in being a good parent, feeding the homeless, or starting an at-home business. If you’re not quite certain what your outer purpose is, then your purpose for now is to find a passion. Begin by engaging in activities that brighten up your day and give you a sense of truly being you. Sign up for dancing classes if you have rhythm and a lot of energy to expend, or just for the sheer pleasure of stepping “outside the box” for you. Check out books about garden design if you have a special interest in landscaping. Even joining a social group that shares like interests such as auto racing, cooking, or hiking could open doors to new experiences and relationships that unveil your true self. Once you discover your passion, incorporate it into your regular schedule and indulge in it every chance you get. When you do that, your heart is touched and your life will be filled with newly found enjoyment. Your dream is already a reality in your life, deep inside you. Go for it! Believe that you already have the experience of success, recognition, and abundance on many different levels now. A powerful goal, enjoyable interest, or life-changing vision is not evolved in the future. You are bringing out now what is already there in the future. Be open to a new transforming level of energy. The real place of power is the present moment. The power that is inside you will manifest itself into the future. Be present, not wishing you are somewhere else or experiencing something else. Be aware of the step of your journey you are on right now, at this moment in time. This is where you need to be. What you are doing and, more importantly, how you are doing it determine your future. Stop limiting what you believe can be yours in life. Strive to be boundless and free, knowing that every thought you entertain somehow determines your experience. Live 100 percent of the time according to your needs. Act like you are divinely guided in every choice you make, and begin to believe that you are

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always at the right place at the right time. Maintain the perspective that everything you do is orchestrated for your higher growth and consciousness. Trust in your abilities. Believe in yourself! This is my secret dream that keeps being put on the back burner:

This is what needs more of my attention in my life at home and school:

This is what needs less of my attention in my life at home and school:

Simple Abundance If you need some support to begin the process of getting in touch with the real you, make a list of the things that bring you joy. Do you even allow yourself to enjoy things? It may be hard to get started on such a list because it is an unfamiliar exercise for you. Give it some time; soon your thoughts will flow and you’ll wonder, from where did all these amazing ideas come? The answer is quite simple—from your spirit, your inner self. It is the wiser you, speaking softly. Listen attentively. Be open to the possibilities. Review your list. Look for recurring themes. Your spirit is talking to you. Be wise. Follow your dreams. Only you can make you happy! These are the little things that bring enjoyment into my life at home:

These are the little things that bring enjoyment into my life at school:

Be realistic and start small when you begin pursuing a goal. Even if you can’t possibly achieve your ultimate dream in the very near future, begin with small steps. Work within the framework of your current situation. Start with little, subtle changes that will align you to your authentic self. If being close to the ocean brings peace and perspective to your life, go after that dream. Does that mean that you must move to the ocean to be happy? It is probably not very likely for you to move the family now, but there are things that you could pursue right now amid the bills, tiredness, disappointments, and sadness to keep you closer to your dream.

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Subscribe to magazines that focus on coastal life—Travel and Leisure, Southern Living—and collect seashells and other beach accents for that special room in your home. Paint one wall or a whole room the beautiful azure blue of the Caribbean Sea. Spend your summer vacation or just a long weekend by the ocean. If that’s not a possibility, enjoy dinner at a restaurant with a view of the water at a lake or river marina. Be creative and substitute alternatives if the real thing is not quite within your reach yet. I happen to love the ocean. I have done all these things, and I am also awakened each morning by an alarm clock with the sound of ocean waves and sea gulls. Make your dream, whatever it is, a reality in your life the best way you can right now. It will give you a new lease on life, especially during economic downturns and in times of great stress.

This is how I am sabotaging my real dream:

This is my plan of action for pursuing my dream now:

This is my action plan to pursue my dream in the future:

How Happy Are You Now? Recent research suggests it’s not a fancy lifestyle or money that makes people happy but rather any effortless pleasure that strengthens social bonds or gives you a positive sense of control. Many things that make people happy are inexpensive and well within your reach. These are some easy and powerful ways to bring more joy in your life: fresh flowers on your desk at work, taking a longer but more scenic route home, dining at a gourmet restaurant even if just sampling the appetizers, sending notes of thankfulness to others who make you smile, just saying “no” to a new project at school, or lighting scented candles or playing soft music to lift your mood. Just being in the moment, savoring some free time creates joy that has immeasurable mind, heart, and spirit benefits. I am totally in the moment when I:

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There are many things in varying degrees that can help you to be in touch with what makes you feel really alive and hopeful. Remember always that you, and only you, can make you happy. Happiness is a state of mind that comes from within your very soul. Today, take the important first steps on your happiness journey. Follow your dreams the best way you can at this time. Happiness is not a destination; happiness is found in the journey. Happiness is the way! It is not as elusive as you once thought. It is equally as important on your inner journey to your true self to find and cultivate an activity or pastime that you enjoy. If you haven’t done so already or if you are in need of a new one, this is the time for action. Consider something that you can become passionate about, something that you lose yourself in and wonder where all the time goes when you’re engaged in it. What helps you to be in tune with your inner self? Be open to whatever touches your spirit: swim, jog, arrange flowers, sail, play an instrument, or listen to music that soothes your senses. The purpose of these enriching activities is to bring you a renewed sense of meaning and purpose in your life. You will find fulfillment by surrounding yourself with all the people and things you love and by doing things that bring you enjoyment. To be loyal to your commitment to yourself, get your family, students, coworkers, and friends “on board” by explaining why you need some time for yourself. Calm their fears about your new pastime. Be explicit in no uncertain terms that your new hobby will not steal you away from them. Emphasize how passionate you are about your dream, and that they will never be neglected. Their anxieties will surely calm down then. You may even be surprised at their insight and understanding. The secret to the success of your newly found passion is having a room or some space of your own. Claiming the area where you indulge in your fulfilling interest is saying, “This is the place.” It is an expression of your decision to take your dream seriously. Marking your place could mean that you designate an area in your family room for scrapbooking or that you place an easel in your bedroom. If your passion doesn’t require a specific spot, make a shrine for your effort. Display items that inspire you: inspirational pictures with motivational sayings, your treasured collection of miniature lighthouses, certificates, diplomas, paperweights with inscribed accomplishments. Create a personal “motivation bulletin board” and include magazine pictures, poems that have a special meaning, a flyer for an exhibit or a conference you’d like to attend. Use your imagination. The possibilities are endless. This is the place or space for my passion—my favorite pastime:

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These are the ways my family supports my efforts to be passionate about my dream at home:

These are the ways others support my efforts to be passionate about my dream at school:

You are unique and are capable of extraordinary things. Finding the things that you are best suited for is one of the great adventures of life and the source of much happiness. Only you can make you happy. If you are truly happy, you experience it as your authentic self. Happiness can be sustained beyond the experiencing of it in the moment. Many times you judge an activity by how you feel about it beforehand instead of how you feel after the activity is over. Many times you don’t feel like running and practicing for a marathon, but you do it anyway. Once you finish you’re usually glad that you kept to your rigorous training schedule. The sense of satisfaction and well-being lasts for a long time after the actual workout is over. That’s happiness! In every moment of your life you choose happiness or not. When you choose happiness over passing pleasure, it is sustained independently of your circumstances: money, material things, past successes, and future opportunities. Happiness can’t be found by pursuing happiness! Many people refuse to think about or believe this idea. If you set out to find and savor happiness, it will elude you all the time. Happiness is not an end or even an experience. It is a by-product of every situation, at every step, and at all crossroads on your journey. Is there an aliveness and enjoyment for you in what you are doing and experiencing now? When you are completely absorbed in your favorite pastime and present in the moment, the result is high energy and intensity. An added bonus is that stress is absent. Check it out for yourself! These are the things that touch my spirit:

This is how I feel when I engage in my passion or hobby:

These are the some other ways I will ask others for support of my efforts in pursuing my passion:

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A Sense of Harmony Much of your life is lived in a state of imbalance. Bring your inner state of awareness to what is now. Without resistance, do what needs to be done. Deal with it in the present. Honoring your presence in the moment changes your energy level, which affects the outcome of your goals. Acceptance from a deep, peaceful place within you emits the easy flow of your actions. The enjoyment from what you are doing, in turn, brings enthusiasm into your life. What a bargain! What is important now is to focus on the structure of your goals. Life with all of its realities washes over your goals from time to time and erodes them away. To build a solid foundation for your dream, set up a schedule. Decide how much time you’d like to devote to it, whether it’s a daily or weekly event for thirty minutes or an hour or more, and block it off on your calendar in bold writing or a highlighter. This strategy signals a promise to yourself that this time is sacred and has a prominent place in your life. Commit to the schedule for a month. Face the challenge of making room in your schedule for your passion. Decide then after a month passes if you’re going to make your goal a short- or long-term part of your life. Make the necessary adjustments to help make it more attainable and workable. As you spend the time allotted for your passion, don’t judge yourself or measure whether it’s productive. Live in the moment, get absorbed in the activity, and embrace the joy that it brings. This is my regular schedule for my passion or hobby:

Are you really enjoying life? It is very difficult to experience joy if you don’t know what you truly love and what makes you happy. Look around you and take delight in the little things that make up your life. Acknowledge everyday happenings and really take satisfaction in them. Often, the many small pleasures of life slip by you and go unnoticed. Be more aware of these little daily gifts: your students on time for class, homework completed correctly and neatly, sunshine on your face, your child happily singing and dancing, or your students really appreciating learning new things. You are missing so much if you overlook these daily offerings. Embrace your personal preferences; they make you unique and truly you. They are the tangible expressions of the divine in you. Look upon each day of your life as a gift, another chance to sing, dance, laugh, and create. Happiness is a quality of both emotion and action. It is not dependent on external

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things: people, events, or situations. Happiness comes from deep within your very being. The pursuit of it is your birthright. Embrace it as a priority. You can learn how to make yourself happy. If you believe it, you can achieve it in your life. Trust the wisdom of your own spirit. It is only after you acknowledge your true inner self in the present that you are truly alive. Honor what you are doing now. Each step in the present leads you in the direction of your goals. Real power lies in the moment of presence. When you are aware of the power of the present, the universe rises up to meet you. Happiness does not rely on anyone or anything. It comes from your essence, your authentic self in the alignment of your mind, heart, and spirit. This is how I would like to alter my schedule for my passion in the near future:

This is how I honor myself in what I am doing to enjoy my life:

This is how I honor and enjoy my kids:

This how I honor and enjoy my students:

Trust Your Inner Wisdom You may not know it, but intuition is a biological survival tool. Animals often act on this sixth sense but we humans often tend to let our thoughts override it. Intuition can guide you to make smarter and faster choices. Intuition plays out as gut reactions that are mental shortcuts used to make quick decisions based on your previous experiences. Your unconscious mind picks up on clues not based on rational awareness and communicates this information by the way of your intuitive feelings. The messages that you get are sparked by perceptual cues or by past experiences: you can tell when a student is caught in a lie or when your child’s smile is forced, yet you can’t explain why you know. Your subconscious sifts through your brain’s database of knowledge. So if you get bad vibes from your new supervisor, on a deeper level you may be noticing patterns between him and your previous administrator who was not in the least kind to you. More often than not, an unconscious nudge manifests itself physically as when you get the chills up and down your spine when a student is hurt on the

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playground, or when you get an uneasy feeling before talking to a student’s parent. There is nothing to worry about when you experience an intuitive feeling. A perceptive or gut feeling is never accompanied by fear. It calmly advises you what to do. Just like any other learning experience, the more you practice tuning into your intuition, the better you get at it. Your intuitive sense grows stronger with use. Give it a try with nonconsequential choices: wearing a certain jacket or suit for an important district in-service. Both are fine for the occasion, so it really doesn’t matter what you choose to wear. This exercise gets you into the habit of relying on your intuition rather than analyzing the situation. Eventually, listening to your inner voice will become second nature and helps you out with more important decisions. “Jump-start” your intuitive process by making a logical decision. Before doing anything, take into account how you feel about the solution. After looking for the perfect house for a year, two houses in the same neighborhood are on the market at the same time, an ultra modern one and a traditional Georgian colonial one. Pick one. If your heart sinks, you know the other house is the right one for you. An important aspect to remember is that your intuitive power depends on the breadth and depth of your experience. While a seasoned teacher seamlessly transitions from one activity to another, a first-year teacher usually refers to her lesson plans often during the school day. A parent of three children readily knows how to effectively settle a child who is having a tantrum in a public place; a first-time parent may have to take some time to learn what strategy works well in this situation. In unfamiliar territory, give practical thoughts some added weight. The unconscious and conscious minds were designed to work in tandem. Have you ever just had a feeling that a student really needed your help? Did you ever make a decision about your class based on a sensation that came from out of nowhere? Of course you have. This was your intuition working. Because of your hurried and media-saturated lifestyle, you have become less tuned in to it and less trustful of it. It can be tough to hear your intuition when the noise of modern life gets in the way. Many people describe their intuitive abilities literally as a strong feeling in their gut, arriving with little explanation. Some parents have mentioned experiences where their child’s headaches, rash, stomach pains, or behavior were dismissed by a doctor, only to find out later that their instincts were right as to the cause of the problem. Has this ever happened to you? Think of some similar situations when you relied on your intuition and you were right! Your body gives you lots of information. Take note when you make a decision if your heart starts to race, your stomach starts to knot up, or your breath

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shortens. These sensations could be telling you that your decision is not quite right. At some time during the day, remove yourself from the technology that rules your life: cell phone, computer, BlackBerry, television, radio, or iPod. Just sit still and listen to your inner voice. You will become more aware of your intuitive abilities if you give yourself the gift of time to quietly reflect. You must, however, get away from everyday distractions and “chill.” Your intuitive mind is diverted by the many thoughts that bombard your conscious mind and drown out your subconscious intuition. Above all, intuition is not fear based. It always results in a confident sensation. If you tend to be fearful, anxious, or worried, then what you’re feeling is not your intuition. In every case, intuition comes from deep inside you and not the thoughts in your mind. Trust in yourself, and follow your intuition. Take note how you used your intuition today. This is an instance when I used my intuition and it was “right on target”:

I used my intuition today when I:

Make peace with the fact that you won’t get everything you want in life. It’s tough to let go of something you want badly, but if you release yourself from the relentless pull of your “if only” thinking, a sense of peace, and even joy, will rush into that mental space instead, notes C. Leslie Charles, author of Why Is Everyone So Cranky? When you can just “be” with a situation, things usually begin to slow down, turn, and reshape themselves for the better. Giving up a long-cherished dream for a time doesn’t mean you need to deny or disown it. Your dream will always be part of you. But getting too focused or obsessed with an aspiration can leave you feeling cheated. By letting go, you decide not to give in to thoughts and actions that waste your time and not dwell on what you don’t have. That can be the motivator for a more joyful, less-stress-filled life. Trust yourself! This is harder than it sounds. To help you learn, start to make a list of all the times you went with your intuition— and you were right. Do it regularly. Refer to this list any time you feel unsure. The more you practice listening to and acting on your inner voice, the more you come to trust the wisdom inside you in the future. This is a vital key in building the life you desire. Giving yourself the gift of slowing down, carving out quiet time for reflection and thanksgiving during your busy day will help you recognize what it is you truly need to create the life you deserve. With each new day during a few precious silent moments, stop, and listen to

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your inner voice. Appreciate the wonders in your life. Take the time to see the divine in yourself, in everything, and in everyone around you. This is when I continue to enjoy quiet time during my busy day:

After some reflection, these are some examples of how I have used my intuition in my life:

Honor Your Authentic Self In this moment of time, you are offered a new beginning with the dawning of each new day. You are given yet another opportunity daily to connect with your spirit. You are starting to get it now! You are on the path to knowing your authentic self, your needs, and the action plans that are necessary to achieve your goals. Be grateful for these blessings and cherish them. Suddenly though, without any notice, you may lose your momentum along the way. Money worries take hold again, your child’s health is a concern, layoffs at work could affect you, your class size keeps growing, and the list goes on. All these intrusions on your inner peace are robbing you of the short-lived happiness that you started experiencing on your journey. The old feelings of weariness, doubt, and hopelessness take over your thought patterns again. You realize that problems ebb and flow like the tide, but this time you can’t seem to find the bright beacon of light to guide your way back. Get hold of yourself. Only a short time ago you managed to find the answer to calm the raging seas around you. You found your center and began the journey of a lifetime in practicing relaxing techniques and experiencing stillness in meditation. New and different uncertainties and difficulties will come and go throughout your life. This is a certainty! With a renewed purpose, tap into your wisdom and strength. You alone can change your view of this exhausting and relentless cycle of ups and downs in your life. Never give up your dream. There are insufficiencies in everyone’s lives. The big difference for you now is that you are consciously pursuing a path of abundance. You are coming to realize that the more you dwell on what’s missing in your life along with the “could’ve been” and “should’ve been” scenarios, you will never have the enjoyment and enthusiasm you so deserve.

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This is what I plan to do to get back on track or continue to stay on track to pursuing the path of abundance:

Continue to carve out that special quiet time in your daily schedule to find your center and what is important to you. Align your mind, heart, and spirit in times of quiet reflection. Let the sacred connection permeate your senses. Experience the paradigm shift. Access your own inner power to transform your life. When something happens that leaves you at a loss of power, how do you recover? When heartbreak fills you with a void, how do you find your return to joy? Gary Zukav, author of Seat of the Soul, shares that to begin to build authentic power—the power that comes from inside you—is a process. It cannot be lost like a set of keys. Once you create it, it can never be taken away. Every time you lose control to negative emotions—anger, fear, jealousy, or rage— you allow those feelings to have power over you. When you allow yourself to feel those emotions instead of just acting out, you begin to create authentic power over them. He notes four steps to create authentic power in your life. 1. Whenever you are experiencing a painful feeling, stop and become aware of what you are feeling. 2. Remind yourself that the thoughts and feelings you’re experiencing are coming from a part of you that’s frightened by the thought that you’re not good enough. 3. Ask yourself, “Do I want my decisions to be made by a part of me that is frightened?” 4. Ask yourself, “What would I do in this situation if I were compassionate and wise?” There is a learning potential in every decision you make, as well as consequences. You must accept the responsibility for every one of the decisions that you make along your life’s journey. These are the ways I can create authentic power in my life:

In every situation, at every step, and at every crossroad on your journey, simply do the next right thing. What if the choices are difficult? After a busy

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school day, do you choose to help a hard-working student with a science project that needs to be completed by tomorrow, or do you assist your mother with completing the Medicare forms that are past due? How do you decide if you should work overtime for the needed money for bills, or spend more quality time with your kids? The questions that life throws at you can sometimes involve many shades of gray. Will you make the wrong choices sometimes? Yes! Everyone does from time to time. But most of the time, if you take the time to listen to the soft voice within you, you are going to get it right. When was the last time you lived by what that gentle voice within you suggested? Remember, just do the next right thing, and you’ll know that you’re on track. This is the message that your authentic self calls out to you over and over. Welcome the step you are on at this present moment. Embrace the present and accept it fully. The future will be richer and more abundant because you have the wisdom and courage to live in the all-powerful now. Let go of past hurts and release yourself from incessant worry about the things to come. Trust in your real power. This is my renewed commitment to experience joy in my life:

This is one right choice I have made:

This is the next right thing I must do in my life to continue on the path of joy:

Life Is Not a Dress Rehearsal Be yourself. Be truly who you are, your authentic self. Live well and passionately. Be open to all possibilities. The rewards are worth every attempt you put forth. Living your life to the fullest requires the courage and the motivation to ask the hard questions. It also demands that you are completely honest with yourself about what is truly important to you in this lifetime. It further necessitates the action plans for living your highest good. What is of premier importance in your life? Following your heart’s wisdom, living your own truth, and being real in every sense. When you live an authentic life, you are truly yourself embodied with your unique gifts and talents and are freely giving back to your children, students, and the world. You are then creating a better, more authentic lifestyle for

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yourself and engendering a loving and caring environment for those you care about and who care about you. This is a current example of when and how I trusted my inner wisdom:

This is how I honor my authentic self:

This is how I honor my children:

This is how I honor my students:

This is how I honor others in my life:

Your vision will become clear only when you look into your heart. —Carl Jung

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Life Lesson 4 Be Thankful and Show Gratitude; Count Your Blessings

Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today, and creates a vision for tomorrow. —Melody Beattie

Awakening the Heart with Gratitude

W

HY SHOW GRATITUDE?

Is it just the right thing to do, or does it have some other intrinsic value? Demonstrating sincere gratitude takes energy and thought. Having an attitude of gratitude requires the conscious effort of being thankful. Practicing gratitude has a permanent effect on you and others around you. When you express thankfulness, you not only impact the receiver, but you also receive benefits as the giver. Recognizing the blessings in your life and acting upon them regularly increases your awareness and appreciation. Sharing your gratitude improves your quality of life because it can only result in positive emotions. Learning to appreciate what you have also makes your life more valuable and meaningful to you. Life Lesson 4 extols the importance of being thankful and showing gratitude. Gratitude signifies much more than an attitude. It is truly the awakening of the heart. Connected to gratitude are a myriad of soul-stirring feelings: love, joy, devotion, and admiration. Gratefulness for the blessings you receive, especially those that were not asked for, changes your whole being. Before, where you saw insufficiency, now there is abundance. Challenges turn into life-changing opportunities; — 49 —

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your narrow outlook is modified and adjusted to endless possibilities. In its very essence, practicing true gratitude means that sometimes you must be thankful even when you are unsure of an outcome, trusting, nonetheless, that blessings are never ending and far beyond your imaginings. When you are grounded in the present and gratefulness permeates your thoughts, words, and actions, you are changing your life. Consciously savor each present moment and pause to appreciate the positive components, large and small, all around you. Gratitude is really a choice. It doesn’t depend on circumstances, genetics, or something that you don’t have any control over. It actually becomes an attitude that you can choose that makes life better for yourself and those you love. Gratitude is a very positive approach to life in general. When things go well, gratitude allows you to savor those events. When things go badly, gratitude enables you to get over these situations and come to realize that they are just temporary. Everyone hits rough spots. Some educators seem to survive great storms. These trials are sent in order to rekindle faith and keep teachers from feeling hopeless. Who are the people in your life who deserve gratitude for supporting you when you needed it the most? Each of us has cause to think with deep gratitude of those who have been examples of unending love, nurturing, and encouragement in our lives. In his bioethics research project, Stephen Post, author of Why Good Things Happen to Good People, emphasizes that this study sheds new light on how gratitude is viewed. 1. Gratitude defends—Just fifteen minutes a day spent focusing on the things that you’re grateful for will significantly increase your body’s natural antibodies. 2. Gratitude sharpens—Naturally grateful people are more focused mentally and measurably less vulnerable to clinical depression. 3. Gratitude calms—A grateful state of mind induces a physiological state called resonance that’s associated with healthier blood pressure and heart rate. 4. Gratitude strengthens—Caring for others is draining but grateful caregivers are healthier and more capable than less grateful ones. These are the people that I am most thankful for in my life:

These are the things that I am most thankful for in my life:

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These are the circumstances that I am most thankful for in my life:

Being Thankful for a New Opportunity Each day you are given a new chance to make necessary changes in your life. There is always hope of finding happiness. If the only prayer you ever said your whole life was “thank you,” that would be enough. By maintaining an attitude of gratitude each day, you cultivate the habit of appreciating what you have instead of dwelling on what you don’t have. You will experience more peace and contentment because your outlook begins on a positive note. You will also be able to better handle challenges if you begin with an appreciative mindset. When you’re sizing up your life, focus on gratitude. This way of thinking is what makes the difference between living a life that’s difficult versus one that’s wonderful and joyous. Fostering a thankful attitude is easier than you realize. Start by just consciously directing your focus away from your so-called disappointments and toward the good in your life. It’s there! All you have to do is realize it. One step to help get you started is to bring the power of gratitude into your life by keeping a Thankful Journal. End the downward spiral you may be on by counting your blessings. Many wonderful things happen to you each and every day. They oftentimes go unrecognized because you live at speed instead of at depth. The daily inventory of what’s good and wholesome in your life will help you acknowledge the blessings that enrich your life already. Don’t minimize this strategy. It could be the very catalyst to break the “woe is me” cycle and finally set you free. It will put the happenings of your life at home and school, with all the ups and the downs, into perspective. Researchers at the University of Missouri ran a one-month study in which they asked participants to count their blessings and visualize their best possible future. “The subjects who counted their blessings experienced immediate improvement in their moods,” noted researcher Kennon Sheldon, PhD, coauthor of the study. “Those who also visualized the best future for themselves saw an even more significant upswing in their dispositions.” Counting your blessings is uplifting. It reminds you of what’s already great in your life. This is what my Thankful Journal will do for me:

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These are the ways I show gratitude at home:

These are the ways I show gratitude at school:

These are new opportunities to show gratitude and make a difference in my life:

Count Your Blessings Look at your life honestly with open eyes. List one thing for which you are very grateful. Write another, then another. The list will grow without too much effort. Take an inventory of your feelings as you do this. How can you expect more if you don’t already appreciate all that you have now? Take special pleasure in all the blessings that enrich your life: health, family, a rewarding career, a home, pets, neighbors, friends, talents, and a life full of positive energy. Once you get into this daily habit, you will soon come to understand clearly how very blessed you are. This new realization will increase over time as you become more aware of the good things in your life. At certain special times this gift of being grateful will take over your whole being. Your heart will overflow with gratitude for not only the big things in your life but also the little ones that mark your days with awe: the first sip of coffee in the morning, a gloriously pleasant math class, a cool breeze, a gentle rain, or a gorgeous sunset. Begin to notice and savor the offerings of each new day, both big and small. Survey your life now. You can’t possibly feel the same as you did when you first began this journey to your best life. What is your impression of your life at this moment? Do you want this experience to last? Do you want it to sustain you when you need it most? By keeping a daily Thankful Journal, you will encounter validation when you consciously appreciate all that you are and all that you have. Everything you seek in life will only be fully realized with gratitude. Keep daily journal entries for a month. You will not be the same person at the end of the thirty days as you are at this moment. You couldn’t possibly be. Focusing on who you are and what you have, and not on what you’re not or what you don’t have, will have a profound effect on the life you’re living now. Your life’s purpose and new direction will ground you on your path to more positive thoughts, words, and actions, which will result in peace and fulfillment.

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Another way that you can include gratitude in your life is to say thank you for even the smallest positive interaction with others. Practice being a role model for gratitude for your children and students: send thank-you notes and letters to those who have shown you favor, spontaneously voice gratitude prayers (in your tradition) during the day, and say thank you until you mean it. Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what you have into enough and even more. It turns rejection into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity. It can turn a meal into a feast, a song into a symphony, and a house into a home. It turns challenges into gifts, failures into successes, and the unexpected into perfect timing. It can turn an existence into a real life and random events into opportunities for learning. Richard Carlson, author of Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff, has said so succinctly, “When you’re feeling grateful, your mind is clear, and therefore you have access to your greatest wisdom and common sense. You see the big picture.” Gratitude turns a negative situation into a positive one. There is no event or situation so insignificant or large that it can escape gratitude’s power. Say thank you everyday, one hundred times a day. Then let gratitude work its magic in your life. As your journal gets filled, it’s validating to look back and see all the ways you’ve been blessed. It’s easy to feel gratitude when you see your life in those written examples—the very ones you thought were important then and still are today! These are the big things I am thankful for in my life:

These are the little things I am thankful for in my life:

This is the impression of my life at this moment:

These are the ways I can improve my outlook on my life:

This is how I feel when I am grateful:

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Modeling Gratitude Saying thank you is hard for many people. Modeling a spirit of gratitude takes tremendous effort. To make showing gratitude easier, a shift in your thinking is the first step. Acting on your thoughts of gratefulness is much more challenging. Those who model thankfulness don’t take their life for granted. They don’t make assumptions of how they should treat others or what others should do for them. These individuals don’t live their lives with a sense of entitlement just because they are educators, or feel they are owed love and respect even if they don’t deserve them. Sometimes you get so focused on your preconceived notions of entitlement that you forget to be gracious and appreciative of others. When modeling gratitude, you develop an awareness of appreciating the small everyday experiences with your kids, students, and coworkers. For example, you may be quick to complain that your students are “out of sorts.” However, do you appreciate the days when they are pleasant and all goes as planned? Frustration comes from unmet expectations, but gratitude results from living in the present, not having lofty expectations, and truly finding the joy in whatever comes your way. This is not a typical thought process for some of today’s busy educators. Making a habit of modeling gratitude can be a way for you to lessen the stress in your life. Teachers and administrators who demonstrate a spirit of gratitude find that the kids they teach and guide are more grateful in return. What a pleasant consequence! As you express your gratitude, don’t forget that the highest appreciation is not just saying the words but living by them in your actions with those who are closest to you on a daily basis. You create a new reality in your life by being thankful. Expect blessings and be grateful for them when they arrive. Don’t be discouraged if good things do not come right away. They will come into your life when they are meant to. Your life on this earth isn’t always going to be perfect or proceed the way you want it to. What is for certain at this stage of your new life’s journey is the growing awareness of what is working in your life and what is not. This realization will help you survive and rise above the frustrations that are part and parcel of your existence in this world. In being thankful for your life—all of it—you discover how to be open to make the necessary life changes for the better along your path to a more fulfilled life. Persevering on your course, accepting of your own personal pace, and appreciating your progress, you are creating a life that you were meant to live. Through conscious effort and quiet reflection, you are striving for the alignment of your mind, heart, and spirit. You are getting in touch with your authentic self, day by day. You are being filled with the peace that only comes from being one with the divinity deep within your very being. Always honor

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the part of the divine in you—your connection with your essence, your spirit. Allow this sacred relationship to be your compass on the path to authenticity and abundance throughout your life. Allow the healing process of acceptance and forgiveness to wash over you. You’re now moving along on your journey with a renewed spirit and a positive attitude. You will not be defeated. You’ve come a long way so far on your journey. Many blessings will follow. What you are consciously creating is a mind-set that will not accept defeat. You are on a mission. You move smoothly along for a while. When daily challenges build, you sometimes get weary. Things don’t always fall into place quickly, and desired results don’t happen as fast as you’d thought they would. In these times of doubt, remind yourself that there is a season and a reason for everything. Acknowledging your life situation with openness, accepting it but not really liking it, will be your strength. Don’t give up. Stay on course. Stay positive. Adopt a “don’t give up attitude” when setbacks try your patience. Ask for the strength and motivation for the rest of the journey, and be thankful for your progress thus far. Remember that any current reversals in your progress are all part of the journey. What is different now is that you know you are not alone. You walk hand in hand with your source, who sustains all your efforts. Remember to ask for whatever you need, when you need it, to help you persevere along the way. Be specific as to your needs. Really, what are your choices when you feel alone or down? You could give in to these negative emotions, or you could trust in the power of the universe. What do you choose? These are the small, everyday things I appreciate most:

These are the ways I model gratitude to others on a daily basis:

Those closest to me show gratitude regularly in these ways:

These are the ways I am experiencing a gradual shift toward joy in my life at this point on my journey:

Create a New Life At times it is obvious that gratitude should be expressed, such as when a coworker does you a favor or a student gives you a gift. But there are many

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occasions for educators to be grateful, times when you might normally take things for granted. When Students Behave You might be thinking, students should behave, and that’s true, but demonstrating gratitude for good behavior will promote more of the desired positive behaviors. When Students Complete Schoolwork/Homework Assignments without Drama Express your gratitude to students individually, if possible, during the school year, and especially when others are present. The bonus here is that the students’ self-esteem will certainly soar in this situation and they will want to continue doing their best. When Students Come to School Every Day and Work Diligently It’s easy to expect and accept the benefits of students’ achievement without ever really saying, “I really appreciate how hard you work for your good grades.” You will see even see greater accomplishment at home and school if students are recognized and validated often with your kind words and actions—even if they don’t thank you for doing a good job teaching. There are many ways to say thank you to students, but the best ways are those that have some thought behind them. Surprise them with enrichment movies, no homework on weekends, a few minutes of free time at the end of a class period, or a welcome chance to speak of their feelings on an issue close to their hearts. For your own children, a special treat at the ice cream shop, their favorite meal, or a delay in bedtime so they can watch a TV holiday special all go a long way to create a feeling of gratitude in them. These are the more thoughtful ways I can show gratitude to my kids and other family members:

These are more thoughtful ways I can show gratitude to my students and coworkers:

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Find renewed strength not in others, possessions, medication, bad habits, or any other addictions. Let go of the negativity in your life. Positive thoughts will generate positive words, and positive words will be followed by even more positive interactions. Through your conscious effort, this affirmation cycle will help keep you solidly on your path to your best life. When you are open and trust in the universe, guidance will come from what seems to be “out of nowhere.” Center yourself. Be still. Listen. Be ready to act on the wisdom that comes from deep within you. This strategy is not a “cop-out” so you don’t have to deal with unpleasant circumstances. On the contrary, it is a freeing, less-burdensome approach to negative thinking and all the ramifications that negativity can bring into your life if you let them in. So often you forget that you can control only your own responses to the successes and failures that come and go in your life. You are slowly coming to realize that you have no legitimate control over people, things, and situations in your life. Ultimately, what you solely have control over is you: your thought processes, attitude, words, actions, and the amazing ability to change each one of them if you so desire. Dr. Wayne Dyer’s book title Change Your Thoughts, Change Your Life epitomizes the exciting life-altering journey you are on now. Always being aware of this life-changing epiphany firmly grounds you in your quest for your best life. What do you really have to lose at this juncture on your journey? You will lose nothing but the negative feelings. Change your thoughts, change your words, change your actions, and you will ultimately change your life one step at a time! These are the things I have control over in my life:

These are the things I do not have control over in my life:

This is the way I choose to live my life from now on:

Subtle Transformations The very nature of the journey you are on is introspective. You will soon come to appreciate with both awe and reverence the subtle transformations in your life. You are well on your way. There is no turning back now. There is no desire to go back to the hurried existence of your not-so-distant past.

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You are now better able to cope with the ups and downs that ebb and flow in your life. In order for you to proceed with confidence from this point on is to know the difference between what is real and what is not in your life situation. Knowing and accepting what is true is living with your own applause and not the acclamation of others. These are the subtle transformations that I am experiencing in my life right now, on this journey of a lifetime:

Accepting responsibility to be the best person you can be; aligning your mind, heart, and spirit; acknowledging your authentic self; counting your blessings daily; trusting that you are on the right path—this is the cornerstone to your best life now. If you concentrate on finding what is good in others and in everything you experience, you discover that your life is suddenly transforming right in front of your very own eyes. There is no turning back to the “unconscious” existence of your recent past. Realizing your inner wisdom, and how this revelation is enriching you, you are now equipped more fully to explore the wonder of the rest of the way. It will make a really big difference in your life. It will lead you to your own true essence and resonate with the energy there for a life of lasting transformation. This is what is true and real in my life:

These are the ways I accept responsibility for my best life now:

Create joy in your life every chance you get. You need a few minutes every day for some lightheartedness. Do you have too much to do? Then make it a point to schedule some free time at least a few times a week. Go to the movies with friends. Exercise at home or at the gym. Meet someone special for coffee and dessert. Take a walk in the park. Enjoy a great joke. When you do something physical such as laughing, it alters your brain chemistry and helps get you out of a bad mood. Share funny stories. At the beginning or end of a class, ask a student to share a funny anecdote. At the dinner table, ask you family to discuss the highlights of their day. It will encourage positive conversation, instead of one focusing on negative

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things. Expressing gratitude for these simple things can indeed change your way of seeing yourself in the world, how you view others, and the many different situations in your life. These are the ways I create joy for myself:

These are the ways I create joy for my kids and family:

These are the ways I create joy for my students and coworkers:

Shape Your Own Imprint Help yourself by helping others: your partner, children, friends, and students and their parents. Philosopher John Stuart Mill suggests that when you ask yourself whether you are happy, you cease to be so. He believes that people are only happy if they have their minds fixed on some object other than their own happiness. By focusing on the happiness of others, aiming at something in addition to your own goals, you happen to find happiness along the way! Experience the power of choices. Knowing that you have choices will lift you up out of the down-in-the-dumps feeling or that bored, stuck feeling you get from the same daily grind. Be flexible. Instead of painting the family room or grading midterms on a day off from school, ask a friend to check her schedule and join you for drinks or dinner, go shopping with your neighbor, see a blockbuster movie, or if you’re lucky, enjoy all three in one day. Release what you don’t need, both physically and emotionally, from your life. Give away clothes that no longer fit. Clean the garage and have a sale. Forgive unkind words. Donate to your favorite charity. This process is cathartic and it will make you feel lighter and more valued. When you’re done, celebrate your good fortune, and above all, be thankful! Be grateful for knowing who you are and what is working in your life, which in turn magnetizes more of the same. Where you put your focus is where you direct your creative intention. If you desire abundance, be grateful for the vitality and motivation you have. If you want a soulful relationship with your children, be grateful for the shared moments. If you desire a respectful relationship with your students and coworkers, show them the trust and respect that they deserve. Be truly appreciative that they are part of your life.

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Gratitude is like a seedling you plant; it grows more and becomes strong in the proper environment. Show those who are closest to you what you treasure about them; let them know that they have a positive effect in your life. The acknowledgement of appreciation of things small and large will bring forth more of the same. This kind of relationship with your kids, family members, students, and coworkers is part of the curriculum to evolve to your highest potential. You come to know yourself by how you interact with others in your life, and by doing so you come to know your source. We are all connected! These are the ways I experience the power of choices in my life:

I am most grateful for:

I acknowledge my gratitude for what I am most thankful for by:

You must learn to understand the secret of gratitude. It is more than just so-called virtue. It is revealed to you as a mysterious law of existence. In obedience to it we have to fulfill our destiny. —Albert Schweitzer

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Life Lesson 5 Live in the Present; Embrace the Power of Now

The present is enormous, mainly because it is all there is. —Alastair Reed

Nothing Exists Outside the Present

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toward living your best life? You may be lucky to have been born with an incredible spirit, or you may be like so many of us who had to learn it the hard way. Yes! You can have total commitment and learn to live your life to the fullest. The things that keep many educators from living their best life are fear, anxiety, worry, and regret. Fear is living in the future with uncertainty instead of living in the present. It is a timid approach to life. When you live in fear, you hold back, denying yourself and those who are closest to you a world of possibilities. You trade a positive attitude for a negative one filled with all things that could go wrong, and you become stuck in your tracks, alone, and with nowhere to go. The solution for fear is faith. You have been protected and taken care of thus far in your life, right up to this very minute. Believe that it will continue. Be good to yourself and those around you and trust that you will have strength and courage in return. Worry, too, is living in the future. It is a pessimistic approach to real living. When you live with worry, you are constantly asking, “What if this happens?” or “what if that happens?” You trade peaceful feelings for unknown and vague possibilities. You pile one on top of the next until the weight of the “what ifs” RE YOU REALLY COMMITTED TO THE PATH

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makes you a prisoner of your gloomy possible views. The antidote to worry is refocusing on the “now.” What you see, hear, touch, taste, smell, and all that is in your life in the present is what’s real; you are okay. Anxiety is living in the future also. It is an overreaction to a perceived threat that does not fit the reality of a situation. When you are anxious, you experience a persistent sense of insecurity, or of not feeling safe. You trade your confidence for vulnerability and uncertainty, which paralyze you. You stop moving forward in courage and conviction. The cure for anxiety is thinking positively about yourself, your relationships, and the events in your life. Regret is living in the past instead of the present. It is a shameful approach to life. You look behind you and wish things were different. You constantly play the same thoughts over and over in your mind: “If only I’d done that differently, I would be there instead of here.” You trade abundance in your life for sorrow and guilt, examining every decision until your second-guessing paralyzes and you can’t seem to move forward. The cure for regret is twofold: acceptance and forgiveness. A situation is what it is. You are where you are. You can’t change what was. You can only build on what is now. You did the best you could with all your support and resources at that moment in time. It’s what you will do now that really matters. Take an inventory of your life and all the people and things in it. Direct your attention toward them. Savor them for all they are now. This is the secret of living life without regret. I live in fear when I:

I live with anxiety when I:

I live with worry when I:

I live with regret when I:

Life Lesson 5 defines the importance of living fully in the present free of fear, anxiety, worry, and regret. Living in the present is not the same as living just in the moment. The moment is fleeting and constantly changing. When you live from moment to moment, from thought to thought, you find yourself moving from one moment to another without much thinking and very

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little reflection. If you base your life on something solid and unchanging as living in the “now,” it will give you true support throughout every challenge that you may be faced with in your life. You have that unshakable, unchanging presence inside yourself. You need to access it to truly live a fulfilled life. From deep within you there is a longing to give up the path of struggle as a way to learn life’s lessons. When this occurs consciously, you are ready to venture on the path of joy. Living in the present is a vital part of your journey toward your best life. Happiness is a state of mind, not a goal. The life you want is here, now, just waiting for you to realize and appreciate it. Living in the present requires a paradigm shift in your reality. You often unconsciously create drama in your mind, expecting the worst from a situation only to have your expectations become a self-fulfilling prophecy. You struggle from hour to hour, day to day, from one crisis to another. You are saddened or depressed by circumstances without realizing that you always have a choice not to give in to the negativity. How would your life be different if you learned how to stop all the stories and drama in your mind, and begin to trust the goodness of the universe? What would happen if you expected the best to happen in your life? Think of all the happy endings that would play out. It’s a little hard for you to believe, but it is possible. With some practice, the myriads of challenges in your life can be reduced to small, manageable situations or unexpected opportunities. It is possible to release the stressors in your life each and every day. You have nothing to lose when you strive to live in the present; only the fears, anxieties, worries, and regrets that are holding you back from your best life now. Moments of presence erode past conditioning. They retrain your mind to become aware of new perceptions. It truly is a paradigm shift, one that will sustain the alignment of your mind, heart, and spirit and give you the peace that you seek. These are the ways I will to stop the drama in my life concerning Fear: Anxiety: Worry: Regret:

This is what I do to remind myself to live in the present:

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These are my expectations when living in the present:

Access the Present You often wonder, “Will there ever be a day without struggles? Will “things” ever calm down? When will I get off this merry-go-round of a life that I live?” The time has come to change the course of your life. There will always be something or someone to distract you and divert your attention. Wait no longer for the opportune time to enjoy a more satisfying life. Now is the perfect time to seize the many opportunities that are within your reach every day. As you move throughout your day doing the things that make up your routine, do them being totally aware and in the present. Enjoy the flow of high energy. Take a deep, cleansing breath and sense that your stress is lessened and that you are enjoying the feeling. Be totally infused with not only what you are doing but most importantly how you are doing it. Anything is possible in the now. All that you ever have to deal with in your life is in the present. What problem do you have right now? What is wrong at this time? You have all that you need within you to access the present. All the answers, strength, motivation, action plans, and resources are available to you when you need them in the present. Your means of approach to the solutions you seek is as simple as just being totally in presence, letting the past fade away and the future become nonexistent. Living in the past takes the joy out of what you are doing in the present. When you react to a situation—saying a few choice words when someone pulls out in front of you on the highway and then drives below the speed limit, crying when your children upset you, raising your voice to your students when you think they’re not listening, or getting angry when your students talk back—you are displaying the origins of negative emotions. These strong feelings come from the past experiences. Your ego is acting out through your past conditioned thoughts. Practice being nonreactive in situations when negativity surfaces. If you don’t react, you are not diminished in any way, shape, or form; nonreaction to challenging circumstances is not a sign of any inadequacy on your part. On the contrary, you are increased and expanded. Work at not being pulled into the drama of your lifestyle. State the facts. Say things that are free of reaction. Make no judgments. The ego is never satisfied. It identifies with the past and the future to perpetuate itself. If you develop thought patterns of living in the past or the future, no matter what you achieve or receive, the present will never be good

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enough. What was or will be will always seem better. This is a perfect recipe for permanent dissatisfaction! There is almost constant discontentment in your life when you are caught up in high levels of stress and drama. Live positively! Align your mind, heart, and spirit in the present moment and pay attention to how you think, say things, and do things. Always do your best in the now. This moment will become your next best present moment. You alone determine what future you will have by how you are doing things now. To access the present, this is how I ask for guidance and motivation:

This is what I do to remind myself to live in the present:

This is how I feel when I am present, or just being:

Today, schedule some time in your daily routine to sing, dance, laugh, and create! From this moment on, vow to live your life well and passionately. Start with something you enjoy. Think of something that will give you delight, and just do it! It could be as simple as savoring the aroma and taste of spiced tea, taking a quiet walk in the park by yourself, enjoying a roaring fire in the fireplace, taking a power nap, or calling a friend. It doesn’t have to be a big deal, and it doesn’t have to cost any money. Whatever you choose to enjoy also offers you a chance to be in touch with your authentic self. Savor these moments. Allow the pleasure and well-being to wash over your senses. Be totally absorbed in the present, be one with it, and be happy. These rejuvenating mini-vacations will encourage and strengthen positive emotions. Positive thoughts, in turn, find their realization in positive words. Positive words, in turn, find their fruition in positive actions. Do you detect the pattern emerging? You are slowly creating an environment for joy and for rewarding relationships that you desire. Think of all the potentials. Remember, you alone are responsible for your own happiness. This is an opportune time for you to begin seeing the little things that can influence your life for the better. Little things you choose to do for yourself and others can nourish your entire being. Your life has a way of coming together when you seek to be optimistic in your ordinary and sometimes overwhelming day-to-day activities. Most of your days are filled with humdrum and sometimes mindless acts: brushing

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your teeth, driving to work, loading and unloading the washer, and beginning and ending rituals of the school day. When engaging in the routine and repetitive motions in your daily schedule, remind yourself of and appreciate the small pleasures that bring satisfaction: great physical health; the sounds of the outdoors; clean, fresh clothes; polite students; or children’s smiles at the end of a difficult school day. Make it a priority to remember that each day is a gift! Always try to treasure the moments that bring you gratification. When you are totally present in the now, a new energy arises, you take pleasure in what you’re doing, and you are enthusiastic. This heightened energy is felt deep within you. You are filled with delight and awe. Happiness is a state of being present. Happiness is the way! These are the ways I practice living in the present during the day:

This is my course of action to live in the present in the evening:

These are the subtle transformations that I experience when living in the present:

The Joy of Being You spend a great deal of your life hoping and dreaming about how wonderful your life would be if only you had a wonderful class, lost those unwanted pounds, won the lottery, worked in a prestigious school district or university, or had a large bank account. You falsely believe that your happiness depends on others and situations beyond your control or, worst yet, on fate. When you subscribe to this mind-set, you can’t possibly see how amazing your life really is right now. The past is just the past—whether it was ten seconds, ten minutes, or ten years ago—and the future is not real; it hasn’t occurred yet. Your plans for your summer vacation, starting a dream job, or buying a new car are in the future, as is the coming of the next century! When your thoughts are mostly in either the past or the future, you are robbing yourself of endless possibilities by not totally living in the present. Stay in the past with your thoughts, words, and actions or jump into the future, and you will miss your wonderful chance to experience all the joy that is in your life. Living in the present is a state of mind, not unlike happiness. Living in

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the future is easy because you believe all your hopes and dreams will come true at some other time. This illusion may keep you going for a while, but as illusions go, they may never come into being. When you look to the future for your happiness, you guarantee that you’ll never have the happiness you deserve now. You can’t count on the future to provide the environment that offers you the satisfaction that you currently lack. That’s a crucial mistake. While you’re planning to be happy in the future, other things happen, both good and bad. Life happens. Life doesn’t stand still because you’ve made up your mind that things will play out the way you think that they should at a later time. Time is only an illusion. The more you are focused on either past or future events, the more you miss the abundance that is right in front of you. These are my feelings now as I live totally in the present:

This is an example of the abundance that I am enjoying in my life now:

In his book The Power of Now, Eckhart Tolle profoundly states, “The eternal present is the space within which your whole life unfolds. The one factor that remains constant in life is now. There was never a time when your life was not now, nor will there ever be. Secondly, the now is the only point that can take you beyond the limited confines of the mind. It is your only point of access into the timeless and formless realm of being.” Living in the present is the experience of really living, and not just remembering something yesterday or last year or hoping for something tomorrow or next week. Picture yourself watching a talented student in the starring role of Annie in a class play. You’re not thinking of how her costume almost wasn’t ready for opening night or who’s going to be at the cast party after the performance. While you are watching the play, you are hanging on to her every word. You are totally engrossed in her performance. You are truly in the moment. If you bring that approach to your life, you will be a different person—content, less fearful and anxious, with no regrets or worries. It’s up to you now! These are the times I am totally engrossed in the present personally:

These are the times I am totally engrossed in the present with my children:

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These are the times I am totally engrossed in the present with my students:

This is how I feel in those situations:

Breaking Free By all means, plan for the future. Keep your eyes on your planned goals. To do so is wise. It is also important to save money for your kids’ college funds and invest in a retirement plan. There is a vast difference between planning for the future and “living” in it! There is no guarantee that the future will afford you the provisions to be happy or provide all the things that you don’t have or experience right now. Stop living in the past or future and realize the only thing you may lack now is gratitude in the present. No matter how hard things seem to get, there are many wonderful, amazing people, things, and events in your life. If nothing else, be thankful that you are alive and well. Appreciate every day as a priceless blessing. In your Thankful Journal, jot down often all the things for which you are thankful. Always appreciate who you are and what you have. Sometimes the greatest source of happiness is the little, fleeting things: a student’s honesty, a colorful butterfly on a fragrant flower in full bloom, a wondrous rainbow after a thunderstorm, a blue jay on a snowy pine branch, a gentle touch, or a heartfelt hug. Hold on to the realization that you already possess all that you need right now to make you happy. There is another reward to this strategy; whenever you spend time noting reasons that your life is good, you will end up finding more reasons. What an added value! On days when you’re feeling especially down, refer to your Thankful Journal. Peruse the entries and reflect on them. You’ll feel much better after reminding yourself of all the abundance in your life. Add some new entries to your current list. You’ll find out that whenever you spend time looking for reasons that your life right now is good, you’ll end up finding more than you first thought. Another powerful way to make yourself feel better is to tell others that you’re grateful to have them in your life. When an opportunity arises, just thank them for being who they are. When you’re enjoying coffee and dessert with a friend some evening or a casual lunch with a coworker, take the opportunity to say, “I always have a great time with you.” “Thanks for being my friend.” Such a small gesture will mean a lot to them, and as an added bonus, it will make you feel good too.

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Review your comments in your Thankful Journal and reflect on your entries. Add to those, expressions of gratitude that you are experiencing now on your journey. Now, I am thankful for:

Your life situation should never be something that is just endured until the future comes. Your present should be passionate and bring you joy. Life is not a dress rehearsal! When you accept and honor the present, positive action comes out of it. Accessing the present is the stepping stone to life itself. On occasion, delay cleaning the garage, take your kids to the park, have fun helping your students prepare their science fair projects before school, or enjoy one-on-one time with a coworker. Welcome life! The extra work at home and school will wait. Embrace life even amid economic setbacks, pain, and sorrow. Maximize the joy and contentment that comes from being thankful for it all—the good and the bad. Hidden in every misfortune is fortune. For in a down cycle of life, you truly learn and grow. Look for happiness on a daily basis. It’s there if you really focus on it. Be open to the adventure that is your life. Be ready to accept blessings in this moment of time. You can always cope with what is happening now. Take note of the serenity you feel. By living in the present, your source of inner peace is your best defense against the challenges that bombard your peace of mind many times a day, every day. When I was enjoying brunch at a family restaurant one Sunday, a father and his two daughters were seated in a booth across from me. I couldn’t help but notice how the young school-aged girls were so excited to tell their dad about all the happenings at school and home over the last week. While they were chatting away with such enthusiasm, every once in a while slipping in a question or two about what he thought about the things that were going on in their lives, he never answered. He continued to read the newspaper. The girls never, however, skipped a beat trying to engage him in some conversation. It was to no avail; he didn’t interact with them positively the entire breakfast. The girls received only a few almost inaudible groans. They kept trying to communicate with him, but the look on their faces was unmistakable—they wanted their dad to share more than the delicious brunch and a few murmurs; they wanted him to really listen to what was happening in their lives. They wanted some kind of validation from him, but what they got was almost total silence and very little attention. All they could do was to try to talk to the uncommunicative man behind the Sunday newspaper. The dad missed a great opportunity to have a real mind, heart, and spirit connection with his daughters that Sunday morning.

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It can be different for you, though, from now on. Think about your interactions with your children and students. When you are distracted by upsetting matters, it is even more difficult to connect with them. Do you ever permit yourself to be with your kids totally? How often do you spend quality time with them, really listening? The old saying that quality is better than quantity rings true concerning time spent well with others in your life. In your busy life, you might say to your kids, “Brush your teeth and comb your hair.” “Have you cleaned your room yet?” “Do this.” “Don’t do that.” “Did you eat all of your lunch in school?” “Go to bed now.” Though you are giving your kids attention with these statements, it is not quality attention. The same kind of indirect attention may take the following tack when you’re dealing with your students: “Have you read the unit and answered all the questions at the end yet?” “Great, you remembered all the words to the short poem, memorize the longer poem for tomorrow.” This attention is, of course, necessary, but it is not the only kind of attentiveness kids crave. How often do you give this kind of attention to kids? Another kind of regard and recognition is perceptive attention. It is a dimension of educating others when you bring yourself totally into your family and work environment by giving quality recognition. A real connection is made then. As you interact with your own kids and students throughout your busy day, take the time necessary to just be—be still, if just for a moment; be aware of the moment you are sharing with them. Be there totally for them, not wanting to be anywhere else or do anything else. In these precious moments together, you are the presence listening to their concerns, nurturing them, sharing yourself, and enjoying the precious time with them completely. Eckhart Tolle, in A New Earth, so eloquently says of this kind of attention, “You are the being behind the doing.” This is truly what your children and students yearn for, even if they can’t put it into words or even fully consciously realize this need. Strive to find the priceless balance between being you and being a parent and educator. Your best life is made up of the intricate interweaving of these two kinds of attention—quality and perception—in all your relationships. Awareness is the power that is concealed within the present moment. All your creativity and enthusiasm come alive in the present moment from deep within your soul and not from your mind. You are not your thoughts. Be interested and willing to come and dwell in the present. Be still, if only for a while. Your authentic self, your very essence, as an inspiration surfaces in moments of stillness. Accept your timelessness in the present. Be the real you! Begin to really enjoy your life and others in it.

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This is how I feel now:

These are the ways I enjoy my life when I am in the present:

Pathways to the Present There is a gradual process of bringing presence into your life. Start with small things. Begin to develop your “spiritual muscles” with inner awareness and courage: when waiting for your students after a special class, when carpooling, or when stuck in a traffic jam, be there totally, accepting the moment for what it is, and wanting no other. When you feel yourself getting upset or angry, be aware of your ego at play. Feel the stress mounting. Accept it; it is here. Wanting something to be different causes more pessimistic emotions; stress compounds the already negative situation. Remain there, as the awareness of it all. Let go of the negative feelings. Relax, let presence permeate you and let go of the stress. The negativity can’t renew itself. It will subside. This all is possible in the present moment! The validation that you seek for the life that you are meant to live depends on how present you are. The true test, however, of you being totally present in the now is how positively you interact with others. Become aware of all the mental chatter in your mind. It seems at times to never stop! It is most annoying especially when you try to relax and fall asleep. The stories in your head are played over and over again, and you toss and turn. This unbroken chain of thoughts has no real power over you, but still it persists. A great help to calm yourself and turn off these menacing thoughts that keep you from needed sleep is to take deep breaths. Be conscious of the rhythm of your breathing. Take the time to perfect your breathing technique as you consciously will your thoughts to quiet. Most of your days are lost in thought about past or future events. Nothing in the past can prevent you from being present now. Past hurts have no power over you in the present. Worry and fear projected into the future are dissolved in the present. Any negative emotion—anger, jealousy, or anxiety—must be dealt with in the present for them to be fully dismissed. If these negative emotions are not fully dealt with at the time you are experiencing them, the negative vibes leave behind remnants of the pain. Come into the present moment by taking a few cleansing breaths, let go of all the negativity, and be freed of all the accumulated negative energy. Invite presence in. Be still. Be aware that past and future negativity is being diminished in the present.

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Access the present. These are the positive feelings I am experiencing now:

Search for the life underneath your life situation. Your life situation exists in time, but your life is now, the forever present. You life situation is mind stuff, but your life is real. Eckhart Tolle, in his book The Power of Now, guides you to find the “narrow gate that leads to life.” It is called the now. Taper your life down to this moment in time. Your life situation may be full of problems but ask yourself if you have any problem at this time, not tomorrow or in five minutes, but now. Do you? When your mind is full of negativity, there is no room for anything positive to enter, no room for a solution. So whenever you can create some space, you can find the life underneath your life situation. Problems are man-made and need time to survive. They cannot survive in the actuality of the now. Focus your attention on the present, and come to the joy of knowing that you have no problems when you are in presence. Permit yourself to be happy now. Your presence in the moment should be all that you want it to be: peaceful, filled with joy, and inspiring. It can be, if you embrace it now. Here are some practical ways to be present in situations that require focus and negotiation: • Honestly listen to the person talking. Focus on what is said rather than thinking about what you will say when waiting for the narrative completion. • Trust yourself and have confidence to live in the present. Let go of the past with this person and all the worries you have about future situations. • Believe in your “inner wisdom” when making decisions. Thoughts are logic based on the information at hand, which is always limited, and emotions are based on past experiences. • Be authentic. Detach yourself from expectations and outcomes and communicate openly and honestly in a situation that is challenging. • Take risks, and take a chance that others will disapprove. I experience and enjoy presence in my life when:

In his book A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life’s Purpose, Eckhart Tolle shares so beautifully,

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The one step of your inner journey will have taken you into being, and the light of being will shine through. This is both the purpose and the fulfillment of your inner journey, the journey into yourself. The ultimate basis of your life is to bring the power of presence into this world. There is no life apart from the present. It is life itself! It is the foundation for the rest of your journey. Only the truth of knowing your authentic self, if realized, will set you free. Mastery of your life’s challenges is finding a balance between being human with form and being which is formless.

These are the ways I am present in situations that require focus:

These are the things I do in situations that require negotiation:

These are the ways I can improve my practice of being in the present:

The foundation for greatness is honoring the small things in the present instead of pursuing the idea of greatness. —Eckhart Tolle

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II POSITIVE RELATIONSHIPS

It is the province of knowledge to speak; it is the privilege of wisdom to listen. —Oliver Wendell Holmes

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Life Lesson 6 Transform Your Method of Operation; Share Positive Vibrations

Those having torches will pass them on to others. —Plato

Positive Attracts Positive

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RE YOU BEING A POSITIVE INFLUENCE on your children and students? Even when you try hard and give it your all, you may still find yourself in the middle of uncontrolled circumstances and old ways of doing things. The most important way to love and nurture kids is to cultivate a positive attitude. It is crucial because the young ones in your life look up to you and your way of saying and doing things and, in turn, follow your example. You may just be one of the most important persons in their lives and possess unlimited influence on them. A positive attitude is vital in a world surrounded by negativity. Possessing an upbeat mind-set helps you cope better with your life situation and drastically reduces destructive thinking. You are not born with a positive attitude. It is something you need to develop. With your unwavering positive influence, guide the young ones in your life in developing an optimistic outlook about their lives as they face the challenges associated with growing up.

These are the ways I can practice being more positive in my life:

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These are the ways I can practice developing an optimistic attitude in my children:

These are the ways I can practice developing optimistic attitudes in my students:

Change Your Thoughts Life Lesson 6 encourages you to embrace a positive attitude, get back in touch with your values, and strive for balance in your life. Change your thoughts, change your attitude, and you will change your life. Developing and maintaining an optimistic point of view can be learned. Make a point every day to enjoy your aliveness. Permit no one to ever steal your joy. Replenish your power over negative factions in your life. Tap into wellness, first, by thinking affirming thoughts. Your positive thoughts will encourage positive words. Your positive words will inspire positive actions. Incorporate this strategy into your daily activities. Experience what a difference it makes in your life. Get into the habit of cultivating a favorable outlook on your life situation. Sing in the shower, dance, laugh, create, and say thank you often. You were born with a song in your heart. It’s up to you to keep that song going. Never, ever, lose the child inside you. Start every day with a song of praise: “Thank you for this great day!” Take responsibility for your thoughts, words, and actions. It’s so easy to think you have no control over them but you do. Negative ones will impede your progress on your journey. Move forward, let go of whatever is holding you back. Whenever you are worried or fearful it’s not uncommon for your body to feel ill. These negative feelings take a toll on your health. Your body is heavily influenced by your mind whether you know it or not. Strive to think positive thoughts, speak in a positive manner, and act in ways that demonstrate graciousness. Watch what happens! These are the positive thoughts I am developing in my life:

This is what I will strive to think in a negative situation:

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Change What You Say If you want to change your life, you first must change your thoughts. What you think you will eventually say, and what you say you will eventually act on. Start small; think and voice positive affirmations daily: “I’m doing the best I can.” “I’m balancing my time a little better.” “I’m setting priorities in my daily schedule.” “I’m not so stressed today.” “I can handle this negativity without raising my voice.” Be grateful for who you are and what you have. Be appreciative for your progress thus far. Many times, it is only when disappointment or a crisis comes into your life that you take stock of the blessings you already have, and that’s so unfortunate. You question, “Why did I take these wonderful things for granted?” It’s never too late to become more positive in the things you say. As determination and self-confidence move you toward positive outcomes, you experience the ability to significantly improve your life situation. Resolve to make positive thoughts, words, and actions an integral part of your day, every day. Action without fear, worry, anxiety, or regret is necessary for your life to flow with better ease and balance. Experiment with more optimistic thoughts and words. Notice how you feel then. Did your optimistic, easygoing thoughts influence how you interacted with your children? How did you get your message across to your students, negatively or positively? Try this strategy again and again. Be conscious of how powerful it is in bringing about even the slightest positive change in your daily routine. These are the positive affirmations that I say each day:

This is how I feel when I talk positively to my kids:

This is how I feel when I talk positively to my students:

This is how my kids react to my positive words:

This is how my students react to my positive words:

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Change Your Actions Many studies show that creativity is associated with a positive mood, even joy. Stoke creativity with your students or children by setting up a campground on the playground or in their rooms, making personal greeting cards, working on a science diorama, or completing a social studies dimensional project. One of the hallmarks of creative ability is the feeling of flow and losing track of time when you’re so involved in and liking what you are doing. If you experience flow whether you play a memory game with kids, help with designing Halloween costumes, “spice up” a favorite recipe for a special luncheon, or redecorate a room, that’s creative! Be one with what you are doing, and experience the power of enjoying all the present has to offer. Merge with it. Align your personality with your higher self. Your ego no longer guides you; now you are operating from a higher place, and people, things, or events do not move you. This is how I do things when I show a positive attitude during the day:

These are the ways I show a positive attitude in the evening:

Change Your Attitude You probably appreciate and say thank you when others do something great and extraordinary. Get into the habit of appreciating and saying thank you for daily and mundane contributions to your home and school environment. Over time, you sometimes stop noticing what your children and students give you on a daily basis. You just expect them to act in a certain way, so you don’t even think of saying thank you—but you should! Those two little words not only make them feel capable but also bring out their kind feelings toward you. The more you acknowledge the caring already there, the more conscious of it you’ll be, and you’ll realize how easy it is to love and be loved. You will get more of your expectations satisfied when you appreciate those around you, and enjoy more time for lighthearted fun. Focus on how the benefits of an uplifting outlook lessen conflict and tension. When negative emotions arise—the temptation to ignore your kids, an urge to raise your voice at your students, a desire to eat half of a chocolate cake when feeling unappreciated, or wanting to “tell off” your coworker—it is prudent, first, to stop and take a couple of long, deep breaths. Witness the

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feelings you are experiencing. Let go of the negative urges. Be aware of what is happening. Awareness dissolves old patterns of behavior. The negative emotions may still be there but they have no power over you. With practice, success eventually comes to calm the defeatist urges you sometimes feel. When unwanted emotions are diminished, you are ready to move on and accept change in your life. When all is well with you, a feeling of calmness comes over your whole being, and you experience a sense of peace. In this moment in time, you have achieved the alignment of your mind, heart, and spirit again. Trust the wisdom of the universe. Trust yourself. This is an integral part of building a strong foundation for a life that abounds with balance and harmony. Act in ways that make it clear that you have all that you need to make the right choices for yourself and those you care about. As this happens, you become less attached to the opinions of both nonexperts and experts alike. You become more confident in making personal decisions that are the overflow of your healthy and positive attitude. Sometimes, though, fear can stop you in your tracks. From time to time your imagination is fueled by negativity. At these moments of weakness, decide right then and there to view your positive attitude as giving something great to yourself and others. When resistance or fear comes along on your path, ask your higher wisdom to help guide you. It is through the challenges of life that you grow and go deeper into your very essence. True freedom is yours when your inner state is no longer dependent on others, external events, or situations. These are the benefits I realize when I demonstrate a positive outlook at home:

These are the benefits I realize when I demonstrate a positive outlook at school:

These are the ways I am growing and coming to know my authentic self:

Share Your Positive Vibrations As you progress along your journey, you gain confidence and become more comfortable with a more optimistic view of yourself and what’s going on in your life. Now it is time to take the next step to share this legacy with your children and students. One of the most significant contributions you can offer is to empower them to lead their own joyful lives.

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Always be mindful of the rules you set up for children. Cheryl Richardson, in her book Stand Up for Your Life, points out that you, as a child, may have been trained to follow the rules that crushed your spirit. She says to imagine what your life would have been like if you were taught these rules instead: • • • • • • • • •

Stick with it. Stop apologizing when you’ve done nothing wrong. Be courageous. Think big. Be ambitious. Be enthusiastic. Be proud of yourself. Keep your expectations high. Go for it!

She notes that her life would have been different had she been raised with this new set of rules. She gives an example that she would have spoken up in school when the teacher asked a question in class, instead of feeling too insecure to raise her hand even when she was sure that she knew the right answer. She also mentions that she would have performed in the high school plays that captured her imagination, rather than relegating herself to the audience and longing to be on stage. How would your life be different if you were raised with this new set of rules? Give your own children and students the opportunities to omit the “could have been” and “should have been” thoughts from their lives when they are older. Give them a new set of rules to live by now and throughout their lives. You will have many chances during the course of each day to encourage them to follow these insightful tenets. Remind the young ones in your life of these rules often, and discuss their pertinence as you connect them to the children’s personal circumstances. Monitor and adjust this new set of rules to the specific situations that are presented daily to you for maximum output. Help your children and students integrate these rules into their daily routines. Watch what happens! Teach kids to erase the words “I can’t” from their vocabulary. Saying them suggests inadequacy and makes children feel badly about themselves. Help them realize that they may not always be able to do everything by themselves, but most tasks can be accomplished with some assistance. Instead, teach kids to say, “I’ll do my best.” In this manner, young ones take control of the situation and exhibit a personal choice rather than feelings of inadequacy. Support kids in learning to control their inner dialogue. Children need to use this skill when they start thinking negatively about themselves or situa-

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tions that stop them in their tracks. Suggest thinking of a least one positive thing about themselves or the circumstances in which they find themselves. For example, if a child fails a science test in school, she may think, “I always get a low score in science class. I’ll never get a good grade on my report card.” She needs to learn to replace her negative thinking with a positive thought like “I will bring my science book home every night, studier harder for the next chapter quiz, and I’ll raise the score. I know I can do it.” Being positive when upset or unhappy is a choice, even for kids. They can choose whether or not to allow unpleasant happenings change their good mood. As you try to assist kids in managing daily challenges, you may sometimes fall into old habits yourself. Be assured that no matter how testing a situation is, your own positive attitude will help you to get the kids’ cooperation without losing your temper or sanity. Your positive approach to life in general, based on both love and limits, is a common sense approach for kids. It’s often the simple, sensible choices you tend to overlook as options, especially when things get intense. Constructive strategies work to maintain the dignity for both you and your kids, and help them know the right thing to do. They won’t feel they have to comply with your rules or else, but they do so because in their hearts they know you have their best interests in mind. Your optimistic approach to life will encourage good behaviors in kids and will serve to strengthen their own home and school relationships. These are the methods I use to model a positive attitude for my children:

These are the methods I use to model a positive attitude for my students:

These are the changes I am noticing in my relationships when I am more positive:

Encourage Positive Attitudes The starting place for encouraging positive attitudes in kids begins with you. It involves modeling appropriate behavior, the kind you’d like from them. Kids tend to do what you do and not necessarily what you say. Schedule an informal get-together with your child or student, or set up a more formal meeting if a behavior or situation warrants it. Revisit the target behavior or situation without blame or guilt. Involve children in the shared decision-

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making and problem-solving process. They will be more inclined to cooperate when they feel that they have a vested interest in the outcome. This process makes kids feel important. Always remember, though, that you have the full authority of veto power. What your kids and students need is you, a positive and responsible adult, who will listen without judgment, validate, and guide unconditionally. They have no need for you to be a friend who will tell them anything they want to hear in situations when problem solving is the focus. With your patience and modeling behavior, vulnerable young ones will learn to control impulses, take responsibility, and solve their own problems positively. All this will lead to more harmonious relationships for them, both now and in the future. In truth, changing your old ways of doing things isn’t easy. It can be especially difficult to hold it all together when things are hectic and somewhat uncertain because of personal issues. Sometimes you’ll slip into old patterns. Remember, there will be many other chances to practice and get it right the next time. Don’t be too hard on yourself. No one expects you to be perfect. Doing your best is always good enough. Find reasons to smile and laugh. Watch a comedy movie, or tell funny jokes and stories. Laughing actually changes your brain chemistry and makes you feel better. A home full of laughter is a happy home. A classroom full of lightheartedness is a place where students grow not only academically and responsibly but also socially. Just hearing the healing sound of laughter will brighten your mood and outlook on any situation. These are the things that make me smile and laugh:

These are the things I do to get my own kids to smile and laugh more:

These are the things I do to get my students to smile and laugh more:

My home is full of lightheartedness when:

My school environment is full of lightheartedness when:

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Great Ways to Get Kids to Be More Positive • Talk less. Younger children cannot readily process long explanations. Get your point across with as few words as possible: “Backpack, lunch; time to go.” • Acknowledge feelings. Kids feel understood when you identify with their feelings. “When I was in school I didn’t like to do homework either. Let’s practice focusing more and get the work done quickly so that you’ll have more time for your video games.” How would identifying with your kids’ feelings look and sound in your home and school environment? • Speak positively. Avoid including the word “don’t” in your vocabulary when dealing with kids. Speaking in a positive manner serves as a reminder of an acceptable action rather than something to avoid. “During Open House stay with your mom and dad. You can play with your friends tomorrow.” It is a much more persuasive than saying, “Don’t scream and run with your friends in the school hallways tomorrow night.” • Show affection. Be liberal with rewards. Give kids lots of pats on the back, high fives, and nights with no homework, or enjoy a treat with them when they get an A on a unit test. • Give limited choices. “The two questions at the end of the chapter test will give you a bonus of ten points to boost your score if you answer them correctly. Answer the one that you choose. If you’d like to answer both of them, you’ll receive an extra twenty points if your answers are correct!” The more you give choices like this, the more cooperation and motivation will be evident. Giving your kids a couple of choices gives them the feeling of being in control. • Reverse the action. When positive words or actions are strained, children in any given situation may “reverse” or “take back” those mistakes, if given the chance. They can then start over again. An erasing gesture or some other sign can be made before the new words or actions are initiated. For this strategy to be effective, it must be modeled and discussed outside the heat of the moment when inappropriate behavior is rampant. • Take a break. When things get out of hand, take charge of the moment and tell children to take a deep breath or count to three before they say or do another thing. These moments of initiating positive techniques when things are out of control are very refreshing and stimulating for kids. They are effective in turning behaviors around to more desirable ones in a short period of time. Teaching children to have a positive attitude builds self-esteem and confidence, which leads them to be successful, independent, and self-reliant.

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Kids naturally gravitate toward positive people. The manner in which you speak and act will have a definite impact on your children’s life. Think carefully about what you say and do in front of them. Kids’ words and actions are truly imitations of the kind of coaching that you show them on a daily basis. Identifying with my kids’ feelings looks and sounds like this in my home:

Identifying with my students’ feelings looks and sounds like this in school:

Acknowledge Strengths, Not Weaknesses Another practical strategy to foster positive vibes in children is to acknowledge their strengths and not dwell on any negative issues you have with them. Always teach to kids’ strengths, and their weaknesses will take care of themselves. I taught a young fourth-grade boy named RJ whose handwriting was so illegible that on most occasions, I couldn’t read what he wrote. He was a most creative thinker with much insight about whatever subject he was into at the moment. The sad part was that his other teachers and peers could not appreciate his intelligence and humor because they couldn’t decipher his handwriting. Many times, I would have him read his story to me. I would then compliment him of the flow of the paragraphs and the details of the events in the story. I especially commented on the humor that he injected into some dull subject matter. Over the course of the school year, RJ took pride in being a good story writer and an excellent speller. With my assistance, he practiced his penmanship skills independently at home and at school. By the end of the year, he became one of the most legible handwriters in my class! With some praise and a lot of practice, RJ improved his handwriting skills. He was so confident and proud of his accomplishment. Make sure you regularly point out to kids their unique talents and abilities. There is an added bonus to this technique. As you look for and point out kids’ unique qualities, they will in turn acknowledge your strengths, when you least expect it. It is a truly positive technique indeed and provides great feedback! Every chance you get, stress the importance of “family.” It is important for children to feel secure within the encompassing and nurturing love of a family environment, no matter what its makeup. Share with kids that true “family values” are the means by which our society survives and commu-

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nicates both moral and ethical lessons to the next generation. Teach them to honor and cherish their own family as well as to respect the families of others. Family loyalty helps build a strong sense of kids’ own unique values that will make them more secure in the big world outside of the family unit. Children who know they are cherished for who they are will be better sons, daughters, sisters, and brothers in the family circle, as well as better individuals in society. Remind kids of their own individual uniqueness often. These are my children’s strengths:

These are my students’ strengths:

These are the areas to focus on positively so that the kids in my life will feel better about themselves:

Multitasking When you are with working with kids, are there signs that you’re trying to accomplish too many things at the same time? Do you live in a state of multitasking? Do you start one task before finishing another? Is this the only way to power through your to-do list these days? Think! What are you really getting done and at what cost? New studies are proving that you really can’t do two things well at the same time. The research also shows that when you multitask incessantly, you can jeopardize your health. It is literally impossible to pay conscious attention to more than one thing at a time, emphasizes Dr. Edward M. Hallowell, M.D., a psychiatrist and a former Harvard Medical School instructor. He notes that the stress of multitasking may also impair your ability to concentrate. You’ve so trained yourself to be ready for interruption that you’re not really paying attention to anything. You’re just overloaded from a severe case of modern life. You can get more done without multitasking excessively. Reflecting on the day ahead helps prime your mind to be ready for the tasks to be done. Prioritize what must get done, and then make a schedule rather than a to-do list. Discipline is also a part of the mix. Train yourself to deflect distractions by being consciously engaged with the task at hand in the present. Your own kids and your students will certainly notice the difference.

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This is when I prioritize what must be done everyday and make a schedule that fits well into my family life:

This is when I prioritize what needs to be done and make a schedule that is manageable in school:

Advocate for Children’s Unique Interests A good starting point in your positive teaching ventures is to encourage kids to further pursue the things and subjects in which they are interested. This means that you should encourage them to develop their own hobbies and passions: building model cars, collecting baseball cards, ballet, scouting, cheerleading, skateboarding, or whatever it is that they take an interest in and really enjoy. When my nephew Ken, who is the same age as my son, was seven years old, he was reading chapter books late into the night. However, during this same time, it was difficult to get my son, Rob, to read a story from his second-grade reading anthology. He was clearly not interested in reading at that time, let alone becoming a good reader. Instead, his interest was collecting baseball cards. Every chance Rob got, he collected, organized, and traded baseball cards with his friends. All those things took up a good portion of his free time. As a family, we went to card shows, card shops, and flea markets. My husband traveled a good deal for his job then, and when he was out of town he was always on the lookout for that certain card that Rob needed to complete a valuable set. During this time, to my dismay, I wasn’t quite sure how well my son could read because he avoided it at every turn. He completed his reading homework assignments but not joyfully. I put together an action plan and energetically got involved with his nightly pastime: baseball card fever. During our time together, I first involved him in discussions about his cards. Then I progressed to reading and discussing the statistics on the cards with him, and then gradually he read them to me on his own. He graduated from reading the statistics on the back of the cards to reading baseball magazines and then to books that contained many more difficult words than were in his reading anthology. Using this strategy of encouraging reading in and through a child’s interest paid off in my son’s case. Once you tap into kids’ interests, you can weave in other things they should learn. There are a myriad of ways to encourage and enhance educa-

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tional experiences in their lives. Parents don’t have your teaching expertise and experience and sometimes need to be guided in ways they can enhance their children’s learning. Share with your students’ parents when your class is studying about dinosaurs in school, and encourage them to visit the museum on the weekend to get a close-up look at dinosaur bones. When starting a unit on Mexico, suggest to parents that they prepare a traditional Mexican meal for dinner or view a DVD on Mexican culture at home. Everyday experiences can also be great learning experiences. If a student’s family is going to a Chinese restaurant, they could look up China and its regions on the Internet together. Shopping can be a great learning experience, and money is a great teaching tool. Everyday experiences can breathe life into subjects learned in school. When you help parents engage in these potentially enriching academic experiences, students’ love of learning will certainly be enhanced far beyond classroom doors.

This is the balanced schedule for my children’s extracurricular activities that are uniquely theirs:

These are the things my students are interested in and enjoy doing:

Embrace Quality Family Time Remind yourself and the students’ parents never to underestimate the importance of the family meal. Sharing information at the breakfast, lunch, or dinner table brings a family closer, builds self-esteem, and allows the powerful exchange of ideas for affirmation, guidance, and validation for members. A significant lesson that kids learn is to trust and honor their own feelings and actions through this vital family interaction. The payoff is the sense of love, acceptance, and encouragement that is needed to share what goes on in their lives outside the family with the most important influences in their lives. In addition to making the family meal almost “sacred” in my home, I used a variation of the family meal with my son, who was usually a man of a few words at home. I regularly took Rob out to dinner at his favorite restaurant, and the experience in a social setting always resulted in his willingness to talk to me about a variety of topics, without having to work too hard to jump start the conversation. I still use this strategy today, and Rob is thirty years old, but now he takes me out to dinner. I like that!

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Whatever you do for kids, take the time for what is really important and what is best for them—you being with them totally and enjoying each other’s company. If you need some great ideas, just ask eager and willing children what is important to them. They will tell you! Be ready for some super and unexpected suggestions. The true “art of teaching” is yours if only you will choose it! These are the ways my family shares quality time together daily:

These are the quality-time activities we share on a weekly/monthly basis:

Quality time on a yearly basis is enjoyed when my family . . .

These are the ways I create quality time with students:

Distinguish between Kids’ Wants and Needs Another method through which you can create a positive balance in your family life is to simplify your ways of doing things as a group. Get together with the whole family to compose a list of all the activities in which your kids are involved. Then rank these activities from the most beneficial and desired to the least important. Estimate how much time is taken by the top seven activities, including practice, preparation time, and, of course, travel time. When the list is complete, consider the value of each activity. Tutoring and enrichment classes improve self-esteem. Being involved in sports activities improves children’s physical self-concept and team-building skills, and often encourages good health practices. Music and art lessons stimulate an appreciation of the arts. Analyze each activity as to its real value in their lives. Use the list to plan a balanced schedule for both you and your kids. Be sure that the new schedule still provides time to relax. If necessary, this is a great time to schedule rejuvenating “unscheduled time” for the entire family. Share this strategy with your students’ parents. They will certainly thank you. Another positive strategy is teaching the distinction between wants and needs to kids early on. When shopping with my son when he was little, I shared with him informally the difference between wants and needs. Soon

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he followed my example, and when considering something he wanted while shopping, he would ask, “Do I really need this?” When we were shopping for a winter coat when he was six years old, Rob imitated my actions in previous shopping trips. He first touched the fabric, looked at the price tag, and said, “This is nice and it will be warm,” and added without any prompting, “but there are too many zeros on the price tag, and I already have a warm jacket at home.” I realized that he had listened to me in the past and had learned a valuable lesson. He liked the warm winter jacket and knew it was expensive, while also knowing that he had two other suitable winter jackets in his closet at home and actually didn’t need another one. Opportunities abound to show children the relevance of school learning to everyday life. The practical application of life skills in the home environment enhances the interest that they bring to related academic subjects in school. Personal leisure-time interests, activities, and the lessons learned through everyday experiences with parents enrich many school discussions and lessons. In many of my reading and math classes, my students shared their experiences from the mall, the beach, camp, helping their fathers, or doing chores. Real-life experiences always added much enrichment to the lesson in a way that I, as a teacher, could not. Never underestimate the power of learning that happens outside of school. An added bonus is that children’s self-confidence and self-esteem are boosted when they can contribute to a classroom discussion or project. It’s their time to share and feel proud about themselves! Share this information with parents of students that are in need of a little home enrichment. These are my wants:

These are my needs:

These are the ways I can satisfy my real needs:

These are my children’s wants/needs:

These are my students’ wants/needs:

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These are the ways in my power that I can satisfy their needs:

We shall not cease from exploration And the end of all our exploring Will be to arrive where we started And know the place for the first time. —T. S. Eliot

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Life Lesson 7 Communicate and Collaborate; Be a Teacher Rather Than a Friend

In praising or loving a child, we love and praise not that which is, but that which we hope for. —Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Two Forms of Communication

S

KILLFUL COMMUNICATION IS AN IMPORTANT teaching skill. Doing what you do as a dedicated educator can be more enjoyable when positive adult-child relationships are fostered by honest interactions. Whether you are a teacher, guidance counselor, principal, psychologist, or therapist, moral and ethical communication strategies are the keys to building self-esteem and confidence in kids. Let them know that you are interested and involved, and will support them when needed. Explain in no uncertain terms that you always want to keep the lines of communication open where they are concerned. One way of accomplishing open communication lines is to accept children as they are, and praise their efforts to communicate openly with you even if they’re angry, sad, or scared. Life Lesson 7 reflects on the establishment of positive communication and collaboration in your relationships. The ego knows nothing about just being but believes that “doing things” for others is enough. You think all these “doings” will accumulate to make you feel as if you’ve achieved and done everything you could for the young ones in your life. If that is how you relate to kids, you eventually will lose yourself in all the doing.

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Truly aware educators bring being into environments in which they live and work. The idea is to give children attention, but not only form-based attention, which is associated with doing and evaluating: “Do this.” “Do that.” “Hurry, you’re late for the bus.” “Stop crying, it won’t change anything.” Form-based attention is essential, but it pales in importance compared with formless attention. Children’s spirits—their true essence—may be completely concealed by form-based attention, if that’s the kind of attention that they mostly receive. When you share the gift of just being with children, you nurture, guide, and listen to them when you are completely present in the moment. You do not want anything more of the moment than what it is. Make room for being in the present with your own children and with your students. Being in presence, you are not just caretaker, teacher, mother, father, or guardian; you are the stillness that is nurturing. You are the essence behind all the doing. The longing for love and acceptance that is in every child is the need to be recognized not only on the level of form but also on the level of being, on their spirit level. When either level form or formlessness is neglected, children sense that the relationship between adult and child is incomplete. This unfinished caring causes the accumulation of pain and resentment in them, either consciously or unconsciously. Eckhart Tolle in The New Earth puts it so eloquently when he says, “Love for the whole child, body, mind, and spirit, makes the world less worldly, less dense, and more transparent to the divine dimension, the light of consciousness itself.” To create effective adult-child relationships that are nurturing and supportive, choose a situation that is free from distractions and stress. Such events include an informal classroom discussion or the family meal, where all members involved feel free and are encouraged to talk about any topic that concerns them. Often crammed and busy schedules do not allow the opportunity for such needed interventions. During this specially scheduled time, however limited, include all present in discussions, encourage their participation, and let them know that their opinions are important. Catch up on the happenings that are of concern, solve problems, and make positive action plans for challenges. Such meetings are a very powerful way to establish open lines of communication. They help all vested members feel like a team. They reinforce trust and respect for one another, present opportunities for shared decision making, and involve the entire team. To ensure that your communication meetings are successful, follow these strategies: • Meet at a regular time and place. • Ask members for a list of their own major concerns.

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• • • •

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Write concerns on a posted agenda. Let everyone take part in the meeting. Give all members equal time to speak. Agree on a solution to a problem at the end of the meeting, and stick to that agreement until the next meeting.

These are examples of form-based attention I give to my children:

These are the examples of form-based attention I give to my students:

These are examples of formless attention I give to my children:

These are the examples of formless attention I give to my students:

Remember, You Are the Adult Remind yourself often to establish firm, clear boundaries that leave no doubt that you are in control. All children need limits. Learn to say, “I care for you, that is why I sometimes say no, or give you alternatives to your actions.” Remember always, you are the adult and kids don’t need a friend in your position as educator! To reach children in formless ways, try the following: • Let your words and actions express what you need from them. • Strengthen your relationships with children by always telling the truth and standing by it. • Use challenging situations to make kids even more confident and stronger with your guidance. • Expect the best from them. Do not give in to their wants. Focus on their needs, but do give them choices. • Teach them self-discipline and patience by encouraging them to stop and assess circumstances before reacting to difficult situations. This will help them become aware of how their actions may affect others. • Help young ones develop the courage to see the world through their own eyes instead of through your eyes or those of others.

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• Help kids to respect and understand their differences by your example in modeling tolerant behaviors. A sad but true instance of teaching by bad example was related to me when a student’s mother called during my first morning class of the day. The school secretary asked if I could take the call because the mom was extremely upset and wanted to talk with me immediately. Thinking that there must be an emergency, I took the call. After I said hello, the mom blurted out, “I’m so upset and hurt. At the bus stop, Paul called me a bitch. I think he learned it from his older brother and his father. I don’t know what to do, so I called you. I don’t know where that little bastard gets off calling me a bitch, anyway.” Paul’s mother was not even consciously aware of her bad example of calling her son names. If she had been aware of her role in this awkward situation, she could have used an “I message” to tell him how she felt. It would have been quite effective for her to say, “When you call me names, I feel discouraged. It seems like you don’t respect me. I’m sorry for having called you names. It isn’t right for me to do that. It isn’t right for you to call me names, either. Let’s make a promise to each other right now that we will love and respect each other, and not call each other names ever again.” Another shorter and strong statement to use in a situation similar to this is: “I think you are really mad at me for some reason. Let’s talk about it.” These are the clear boundaries that I set for my children:

These are the clear boundaries that I set for my students:

These are some examples of when I need to say no to my children:

These are some examples of when I need to say no to my students:

When Children Are Disrespectful Here are some things to try when children are disrespectful: • Calm down before you respond. Give kids time to cool off. • Say, “It hurts me when you speak to me that way. I think we’d better talk things over. Let me know when you’re ready to discuss things.”

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• Really listen to what kids have to say. Keep the communication lines open. Be open to kids’ ideas and, by all means, explain yours. • Look for underlying causes for inappropriate behavior. Try to get to the root of the problem by asking the right questions. • Give kids a reassuring glance, kind words, and if appropriate, a hug. Tell them that you want things to change; that you care about them but that you do not like their actions. • Make a plan to prevent this type of inappropriate behavior in the future. Discussing alternatives is a very important step in preventing relapses in the future. • Ask kids to consider, “How can we solve the problem together?” and “How do we keep from upsetting one another in the future?” • Lay out some ground rules and discuss consequences if the rules are broken. Even though you establish the fact that you are the adult and you need to be respected at all times with no exceptions, you still need to let kids know you are interested in their well-being, and you will be flexible and listen to all they have to say without interrupting or judging. Stay calm and, above all, be logical in your discussions with children. End your conversations with an action plan for the desired behavior in the future. On occasion it is helpful to have kids sign a written contract to seal the deal. It is very important for you to avoid reacting defensively in a shared decision-making and problem-solving discussion. You should not make the mistake of trying to force young ones to understand or to convince them that you are being “fair.” It is a waste of time. Educators who attempt long explanations simply lose kids’ attention. Young children are just not mature enough to fully appreciate what you are trying to say and do. Often, they cannot even imagine that the actions you suggest and take are in their best interests. Find effective rewards that will work to shape particular behaviors. When you can recognize and control these rewards, your dealings with the kids will improve dramatically over time. You know your children and students better than anyone. You know in your heart which rewards will be the most successful in a specific situation. Use them wisely. These are some of the rewards I use with my children:

These are some of the rewards I use with my students:

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These rewards are usually effective in the long term:

These rewards are not usually effective in the long term:

When settling a problem, or reinforcing a good behavior, it is most important for you to set a course of action. Don’t give up when things don’t go well the first time. Engage in a little self-talk: “There may be some setbacks, but I’ll deal with them.” “I did not have immediate success, but I will stay on track.” “I am capable of making a difference in these young lives.” “Yes, I am going to do it right.” “I‘ll give it another shot. This time I will be a bit more focused and speak in a calm voice.” Be persistent when guiding kids to consistent appropriate behavior. It will happen, but it is not going to happen all at once or by accident. It will happen because you make it happen with your positive, caring attitude and skills of persuasion. This is an example of an action plan for good behavior that works for my children:

This is an example of an action plan for good behavior that works for my students:

These are the things I say to myself when my interventions aren’t as successful as I planned:

Encourage Kids to Do Their Best The self-esteem movement taught us some interesting facts. We now know that many kids’ self-esteem is adequate and intact. Some youngsters even have an overabundance of it: those who monopolize conversations, who insist that their way is always the best, and who bully other children. On the other hand, some kids’ self-esteem needs much nurturing. It is normal for children, from time to time, to experience some insecurity. A vital lesson for them to learn is that they are unique, and have valuable talents and skills. Young ones need be taught early on that they are special and possess precious gifts.

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Self-esteem is not only appreciating one’s own worth and importance, but it especially is having the character to be accountable for one’s behavior and to act responsibly toward others. It is influenced by how others see them. It also is influenced by their individual thoughts, feelings, and the successes that they achieve when taking action in different situations. There is increasing evidence that self-esteem is significantly related to how motivated and successful children are at home and in school. Children with a good confidence level are willing to take risks and learn from, rather than feel defeated by, failure. Kids need to be told that they are capable of many great things, and are expected to do their best and achieve their potential. Any discussions with kids should end with the words “Do your best!” You can’t ask any more of them than that. Always doing their best in the present moment will become their next best present moment. This is a powerful axiom for you to teach kids, and it is even more powerful for them to learn it and apply it in all they accomplish. Young ones determine their future by what they are doing, and how they are doing it now. While you should forgive children’s failure, you should never be resigned to it. When kids do not live up to reasonable expectations, by all means let them know that you are disappointed. But when they do well, make it obvious that you are pleased and proud. It is very discouraging for them if you are aloof to both their failures and their achievements. These are the ways I motivate my kids:

These are the ways I motivate my students:

These are the ways I help build self-esteem in children:

Acknowledge Children’s Uniqueness Listen carefully to what your children and students have to say, then ask questions, and make comments. The goal here is to help them identify their own positive strengths. Don’t underestimate the power of praise. Compliment kids often. Nothing can replace well-timed, well-chosen words of appreciation. They cost nothing to give and are worth so much to them. Make a conscious effort to ignore minor inappropriate behaviors. These behaviors will fade as children grow and gain experience. Correct children in

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private and avoid comparisons between them and others. One method that is helpful is to use rewards when appropriate behaviors occur. If you are not sure what rewards will be the catalyst for these desired actions, ask kids for ideas and you’ll be surprised at some of the answers. Another option is to give kids a choice of two rewards. These rewards do not need to come with a price tag. A reward can be permission to do something different or to have a few extra minutes of free time. A smile may be all kids need to encourage appropriate behaviors. Take the cue from them. What works best with one child may not be effective with another. Ask for suggestions from an individual child if you’re not quite certain what would be a positive motivator. These are the ways my children are unique:

These are the ways my students are unique:

These are examples of rewards that have been effective in my experiences with kids:

Acknowledge Children’s Competence Provide opportunities for children to be successful, and then praise their accomplishments. Even when a goal is not reached to your expectations, acknowledge their genuine efforts. Help children complete tasks by demonstrating the sequential steps to achievement and allowing plenty of time for practice. It is more beneficial to acknowledge good effort than to praise a specific completed task or behavior. The aim is to guide kids so that they will be able to learn, grow, and make sound decisions even when no one else is around. One way to do this is to steer your children in thinking about a task after they have completed it: homework, being on time for school, or studying for a test. Did they do it better this time than the last time? In what ways could they do it even better next time? This strategy will help make them feel a sense of self-worth without needing constant praise and recognition from you or others.

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List some ways your children make good decisions by themselves without expecting a reward:

List some ways your students make good decisions by themselves without expecting a reward:

These are the ways I acknowledge kids’ accomplishments:

Allow Kids to Feel in Control Children need opportunities for initiative and autonomy. An effective method is for you to support them in decision-making and problem-solving skills and offer them choices. When your students are choosing a research topic for a written report, show them several books written about the subject or a few websites dealing with a short list of possibilities to help them decide which one is the best suited for them and will hold their interest. If your child has an argument with a friend, it is OK to say, “Your friend is angry with you. What are you going to do? Say you’re sorry or tell him that you’ll be nicer to him when you two play together again?” When the choice is made, kids feel in control of the situation. After all, the final decision is really theirs. It is often helpful when presenting choices to discuss the pros and cons and the cause and effect of their choices in order to help them make appropriate decisions for themselves in the near future. These are some choices that I give my children to make them feel in control:

These are some choices that I give my students to make them feel in control:

Allow Kids to Be Part of a Peer Group Some educators and parents simply do not understand kids’ need to “fit in.” While being part of a group can be very crucial for youngsters, adults do

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not consider it to be as important as it is for them. Fitting in with other kids can be vital for many kids’ self-esteem. Allow them to take part in harmless fads and other activities that their peers are participating in this month. Fads change often. Some recent examples include using different colored laces in shoes, packing hard-boiled eggs for lunch every day for a week, and boys and girls wearing Hawaiian-style necklaces. Many educators don’t even notice these fads as they come and go so quickly; nonetheless, these fads still have importance for children. Permit them to indulge in the harmless fads of the week or month, as long as they are in keeping with your established family and school values and rules. Student fashion also is important to children and can determine whether kids will be accepted as part of a group. Jane’s mother asked for a parentteacher conference because her daughter did not have any friends at school, and she was very concerned. A major part of the problem was simply Jane’s mother’s choice of fashion for her. She believed that Jane should wear dresses to school every day like she did when she was in elementary school. While Jane did not mind wearing dresses, all of the other girls in school wore T-shirts with either jeans or shorts, depending on the weather. For most of the girls, the only day they wore dresses was on picture day. Jane’s style of dress set her apart from the other girls. When school-age children want to make friends, they often need to share and align themselves to their peers in some visible ways, such as dress, language, gestures, hair styles, and so on. For a child like Jane, with questionable self-esteem issues, changing her style of dress was easy to do and worth a try. Her mother simply was not aware that the difference in clothes was an issue. So that night, she took Jane to the store and bought her some jeans and shorts outfits. The first, biggest benefit was how Jane looked and felt. This little “makeover” worked wonders for her. In addition to the mini-makeover, Jane received a lot of positive comments from both teachers and students. Soon things were turning around for Jane in the friends department in school too. After that, Jane and her mother worked on other strategies, such as inviting Jane’s new friends over for a Saturday afternoon to play video games, going to movies with her classmates, enjoying sleepovers, or going on weekend biking trips. All of these strategies took a little time to bolster Jane’s attempts at making lasting friends, but the change in her wardrobe was an immediate and positive statement of Jane’s desire to “fit in” and make friends. The strategies worked for her! You want to be the kind of educator who takes the time to instill good manners and appropriate behavior amid all the controlled chaos ruling most of your days. Can you ever consistently be the best educator you can be? Relax!

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Good teaching happens in real time, in the present. The trick is recognizing and acting positively as your methods are helping kids learn and grow. Be there totally for them in all that they do. How do you nurture a well-adjusted child? You do this by being fully present when you are with them. Pay attention to your inner state of consciousness. Change happens for kids when change happens to you. When students have temper tantrums in a public place, when your children refuse to eat healthy food, or when they won’t stop crying because they failed another test, how do you react? Are you able to be calm? Can you be the space between you and them? Eckhart Tolle, in his book The New Earth, suggests that you feel yourself being transparent in situations like these. Your reaction to children’s overreactions produces stress and causes them to pick up on your own negative emotions. Many times they may act out even worse then. You cause your own anxiety, not the children’s inappropriate behavior. It is a great teaching practice to be in the present, being totally there for them. It will transmit your nonjudgment and forgiveness to them even without words! Ask yourself when drama occurs, “What is my inner state now?” Don’t resist it; accept it for what it is and allow your calmness to calm them. Each time you practice this spiritual strategy of living in the present, it gets stronger and you become more aware of its power potential in your life and in the lives of your children or students. This is my typical reaction to my children’s undesirable behavior:

This is my typical reaction to my students’ undesirable behavior:

This is how I conduct myself when my children’s actions are inappropriate and I am in the present:

This is how I conduct myself when my students’ actions are inappropriate and I am in the present:

If Children Aren’t What You Expect Them to Be It’s natural to expect your own children to take after you: fun loving, responsible, balanced, and outgoing. It’s difficult for any educator to see their own

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kids having problems of any kind: failing grades in school, trouble making and keeping friends, being shy in social situations, or exhibiting inappropriate behaviors. Wanting them to be exactly like you is narcissistic. Attempting to make your kids into your clones is just to stoke your ego or fulfill unresolved ambitions of your own childhood. Expecting to live your life vicariously through your children, or presuming that they will make your life whole, isn’t fair to them or to you. It’s totally your responsibility to discover the resources within yourself to make you happy and not rely on your children to do so. Recognize the ego at work when you believe that your children’s likes or dislikes reflect poorly on you. Accept their uniqueness and cherish them for who they are and not what you want them to be. Realize that they are good kids and let go of the things that you think they’re not. When you catch yourself wishing that your children were different—“Why is she so shy?” “Why is he so loud and obnoxious in school?” “Why is she struggling to keep friends?”—try to see things from your kids’ point of view. How would you feel if someone was always hovering over you and telling you to do this and that, this way and that way? And be honest with yourself; is being like you in the best interest of your children? Ask yourself, “Am I being so hard on my children because I couldn’t accomplish certain things when I was young because I didn’t have the capabilities or the opportunities?” Letting your kids be kids, and just be themselves, helps you get a better perspective of what a great educator you really are and how extraordinarily OK your kids are! It also rids you of any guilt that your children are not measuring up to an arbitrary standard of yours. Without all the negativity to get in the way of a positive relationship with them, you can focus on getting to know each of your “one-of-a-kind kids” even better. When you identify with living vicariously through your children, you may try to manipulate them into filling the sense of lack in your own life. It is manifest when you say, “I want you to achieve what I never achieved.” “I want you to excel in your studies so that you will be accepted into an Ivy League university and I can be proud of you. Don’t disappoint me.” “I know what’s best for you.” The ego’s dysfunction comes to light with statements like these. Opposition from your kids in similar situations gives you, sadly, a renewed force to continue this inappropriate behavior. The relationship foundation that you give and maintain with them sets the tone for all other relationships throughout their lives. It is also important in your communication efforts with them to consider your partner in redirecting your children’s behavior. There are many reasons why parents disagree about their parenting methods. Sometimes getting and staying on the “same page” with the other parent can

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be quite challenging. Experiment with tried-and-true strategies for working with and not against the other parent. If the lines of communication in your family need be strengthened, consider the following scenarios: • Consider the situation when each parent seems to be in competition with the other over who is the better parent: Take delight in your differences. Stop comparing yourself to the other parent. Help the other parent be successful and focus your energies in that direction. Your example of working together is the best teaching method for your kids. • Ponder the circumstances when one parent is overly controlling and the other is overly permissive: First, do not react to what the other parent is doing. Decide what you can do to be more effective in reaching your child. Choose not to be placed in the middle. Coach your children how to deal with the difficult predicament themselves by asking, “What is the one thing you could do differently to get a more positive outcome?” Help your children with decision-making and problem-solving strategies. • Think about a situation if one parent insists that he or she is right: Make it a point that your children’s best interests are more important than any one parent being right. Ask the other parent for some suggestions or advice on decisions that you both should make. Discuss options and then decide together which method is best for the remediation of your children’s behavior. • Reflect on the event in which a child begins to side with one parent and act out against the other parent: Forgive any resentment you are holding against the dominant parent. Give the controlling parent choices. Make your needs clear. Recognize that for one parent to be controlling, the other parent must be a willing participant to accept the situation. Be firm and let your children know that they do not need to protect you and that you can take care of yourself. These are the ways I parent positively when the lines of communication need strengthening:

What do you do when you have exhausted strategies that haven’t produced the outcomes that you hoped for: an obnoxious behavior, stressful event, or

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confrontation with your children or students? Separate yourself from these innocuous situations without anger or any other negative emotion. Come to the inspired realization that enough is enough; and say to yourself “I will walk away in peace.” I don’t like the outcome, but I accept it for what it is. I will do what is necessary and seek other strategies. I will move on and welcome a change of action plans into my life.” Growth happens in these most difficult times when change is not only a choice but a necessity. When your concerns seem to overwhelm you, you need others who will affirm whatever you’re feeling. Sit down, with your partner, friend, relative, or other professional and ask if he or she has the time to hear and discuss a problem. Be certain that the person has ample time to spend with you. Educators who live generous and loving lives soon become aware that in the reasonable giving of self lies the discovery of self. Another aspect of communication and collaboration that sometimes is overlooked for its simplicity is giving comfort and showing compassion. While some educators are intuitively gifted at saying and doing exactly the right thing at the right time, many others have to learn how. Comfort entails empathy and acknowledgement. Acknowledgement is so powerful that it doesn’t require a long dissertation or eloquent words. When you simply affirm what your children and students are feeling and convey to them an understanding of their distress, your sensitivity helps them feel safe and understood. The problem is that how much compassion you have for your children and students is sometimes driven by the degree of compassion you have for yourself. Most educators are tough on themselves. You can do better at giving and receiving comfort if you choose to. Just a smile, hug, or a touch of your hand causes the brain to release the chemical serotonin, which improves mood. The healing power of the right words has the ability to calm the mind, heal the heart, and soothe the spirit. If you’re the one that is in need of comfort, wisdom lies in knowing where to find it. These are the things I do to treat my children as the unique individuals that they are:

These are the things I do to treat my students as the unique individuals that they are:

These are the ways I comfort my children:

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These are the ways I comfort my students:

With stammering lips and insufficient sounds, I strive and struggle to deliver right The music of my nature. —Elizabeth Barrett Browning

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Life Lesson 8 Discipline without Tears; Resolve Conflict with Respect

Instruction increases inborn worth, and right discipline strengthens the heart. —Horace

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uiding the behavior of children involves establishing mutual respect and expecting cooperation. Effective discipline strategies are positive and child focused. They encourage self-control and appropriate behavior. Through effective discipline, kids can learn to make positive choices, learn problem-solving skills, and learn responsibility. Calling attention to inappropriate behavior lets young ones know that their actions are not acceptable, but they are still loved. Praise lets them know which behaviors are acceptable and which ones are not in various situations. You can change kids’ behavior, but that doesn’t mean you always should. When faced with inappropriate conduct, first ask yourself, “Can I let this go?” Sometimes the answer is no, but a lot of behaviors fall into the category of annoying and are not necessarily worth addressing. Ask yourself if changing their demeanor will really make a worthwhile difference in the young ones’ lives or your own. Many unwanted behaviors that disturb educators tend to drop off on their own, especially if you don’t overreact and reinforce them with a great deal of excited attention. Some unwanted behaviors—such as not paying attention to what is being said, stuttering, whining, and not sitting still as long as adults want in some young children—are developmental in nature. Ignoring lying, stealing, and

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other potentially serious misbehaviors is never an option. Especially as kids get older, more independent, and capable of monitoring their own behavior, you will need to ask yourself this question: “Should I focus on this behavior at this time?” When the behavior does not drop off on its own ask yourself, “When do I get serious about actively dealing with this inappropriate behavior?” Getting serious usually means first taking steps on your own, and sometimes it indicates seeking professional help. Even if you’re inclined to let a behavior drop off on its own, and even if it’s likely to do so, you are not always in a position to wait for nature to take its course or to go it alone.

Reasons for Inappropriate Behavior Life Lesson 8 showcases the significance of nurturing and guiding children with dignity and respect. The real reason that so many educators have questions or doubts about discipline is that over the last few years the word “discipline” has had many negative connotations. In its place, “behavior management” has become more apropos and more accepted when discussing kids’ conduct. This term refers to the use of more positive strategies rather than to the strict behavior training most adults associate with the word “discipline.” No matter what term is used, behavior problems must be anticipated and dealt with effectively in a timely fashion and systematic manner. Managing kids’ behavior need not be a logistical nightmare for you. When dealing with inappropriate behavior, do not resist the negative emotions as they arise. Recognize the ego at work in the situation. Be okay with it. Do not just react to inappropriate conduct. Accept it for what it is and take necessary actions to make things different. Choose to live from a place of awareness. Free yourself from the ego’s wanting or needing. Remember, you can’t control anyone else. You can only be responsible for yourself in any uncomfortable situation. Any change or shift in behavior can only happen in you. Take responsibility for your own mindfulness. True change happens for children when you change. This is my first reaction when kids misbehave:

What is it that you want from kids? I’m sure that you would like them to think on their own, make good decisions, take initiative, and recognize choices, and their consequences. Children are so much easier to like and deal with, and less stressful to be around when they behave appropriately. The big

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question is what is the payoff for them? Docile, obedient children are often motivated externally by disapproval, criticism, and punishment. Other children are well behaved and motivated by internal, personal needs that are not dependent upon others or things. How do you get kids to respond to intrinsic motivation strategies? If your current discipline approach stresses self-management and personal responsibility, outcomes are not enough to intrinsically motivate kids. Settling for children’s externally motivated actions is a disservice to them. The cost to their overall well-being is too high. Kids make their decisions based on other’s needs. Complying and pleasing you is a source of recognition and approval to them, but it only teaches them they are worthwhile when they are doing what someone else wants. Sometimes your best intentions and seemingly harmless words and actions reinforce exactly that way of externally motivating their behavior. You can expect kids to cooperate with you, but first you need to decide what you can reasonably expect from them. Each child is a unique mix of talents and learned behaviors. Some of these traits will take some time to change, some attributes may grow and some will lessen a bit, due to their various stages of development. Temperament, heredity, and environment are also influences on their overall behavior. Kids behave the way they do for a reason. You need to understand that some forms of discipline are counterproductive. Children want to feel accepted and to belong. Young ones who do not feel as if they belong may find that misbehavior has benefits for them. The methods that many educators use to control misbehavior often work against that goal. Just reacting to their misbehavior rarely does anything to prevent the same actions from recurring. To prevent misbehavior, you need a strategy that includes a step-by-step method. It is also helpful to learn about the types of misbehavior and the reasons for them, so that you can apply a certain strategy effectively at the right time. As an educator you have the distinct responsibility, and all that you need within you, to curb misbehavior. As you break down the barriers to good behavior by matching the best remediation strategy to the specific inappropriate behavior, you will mentor kids to act responsibly in a variety of situations and to be proud of their achievements. These are the behaviors that I want to strengthen in my children:

These are the behaviors that I want to strengthen in my students:

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These are the inappropriate behaviors that need attention in my children:

These are the inappropriate behaviors that need attention in my students:

All of the following examples are common reasons for misbehavior. They may be exhibited at one time or another during the growing years. The characteristics of each behavior may be seen at home, school, or in both environments. Seeking Attention If children believe that they cannot get attention in a useful way, then they will seek it by misbehaving. They will do something annoying, such as kicking a table leg, laughing out loud during class, or interrupting while you are talking. Some seek attention in a much different way: They do nothing! For example, when told that class is to begin, some just stare out the window or continue reading a novel. Kids who do nothing are not “acting out,” but they still are crying for attention. Here are some strategies for children who are attention seekers: • Ignore the annoying behavior. Don’t over react by raising your voice or throwing or slamming things. Do not look or act upset in any way. • Give choices: “Work on your project before class starts or after school.” • If choices don’t work, do mention consequences: “You may join your classmates for group work, or complete another science project alone for less credit.” If consequences are needed, don’t renege. Follow through on them no matter what, even if you don’t want to use this method of teaching kids right from wrong. If you don’t keep your promise, you give kids license to ignore you again in the future. They know that they can get away with it and will do what they want no matter what you say. This is my action plan when kids inappropriately seek attention:

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Seeking Control When kids feel that the only way for them to belong is to be the “boss,” they are seeking control. These children not only want to be in charge of a situation, but they also desire to dominate and overrule adults. When kids tell you “You can’t make me do it!” or throw a tantrum, they are attempting to force you to behave in a particular way. Frequently, your response to this misbehavior results in its escalation. When you get angry and fight back, it begins an argumentative cycle; but if you do give in, the behavior stops. Avoid acquiescence. It will only happen again if you yield to their control. Stressed responses further reinforce their misbehavior in this particular situation and future ones. Successful strategies for dealing with control seekers include the following: • Be silent at first. Then firmly explain what acceptable behavior should be. • Present consequences and follow through with them if the inappropriate behavior continues. • Leave, or have the child leave, the room or the situation. • Do not confront children who are seeking control. • Be patient and engage in another activity. They will soon come to the conclusion that the behaviors that they are displaying are not giving them the “payoff” that was expected, and the behavior will either be lessened or stopped altogether. A common behavior for children seeking control is talking back. Back talk is surely a sign that something is amiss in your adult-child relationship. Sometimes it occurs because kids are dealing with unsettling issues and do not know how to tell adults or ask them for help. However, regardless of the reason kids talk back, it is still very disrespectful. When they do it and get away with it, they receive the message that it is acceptable to be disrespectful to you and other adults. Proper communication is the key to remedying this very annoying habit. Act quickly and consistently when kids talk back and state firmly that it is not acceptable behavior. It is especially important not to empower them by arguing about the issue that triggered it. When children are chronic back-talkers, you have your work cut out for you. They not only need to know that back talk will not be tolerated; they need to be presented with a list of consequences that will occur if their disrespect continues. Be very clear about the rules you set for kids. Set fair limits for them. Then, if they push the limits and the rules are broken, you must follow through with those consequences if the inappropriate behaviors are to be replaced with

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more appropriate ones. If for any reason you back down on the consequences or change them in any way, your attempt to change the behavior will fail. This is my action plan when kids seek control inappropriately:

Seeking Revenge Usually children seek revenge after losing a power struggle with an adult. The purpose of this behavior is to get even. When this happens, they may say or do something that is both hurtful and harmful; for example, they will be extremely rude with words or gestures or will tell lies about you. The result is often an ongoing “war” between you and them. Here are some action plans for dealing with revenge seekers: • Refuse to comment or fight back. • Simply ignore the incident in the heat of the moment. A “time-out” may be appropriate at this time for them or you, or for both of you. • Discuss things when you are calm. Problem solve as to what behaviors are acceptable. This is my action plan when my children seek revenge:

This is my action plan when my students seek revenge: Giving Up Sometimes children give up trying because something is hard to do. They might feel unable to succeed at school work or sports and will try to avoid the embarrassment of failure. However, when they give up, you must not fall into a trap and feel like giving up also. If you also surrender, their goals are met. You have agreed to expect nothing from them and that’s just what they want. Here is a game plan for dealing with kids who give up easily: • Be careful not to pity kids who give up quite easily. Guide them to erase the words “can’t” and “try” from their vocabulary. Replace them with the words “can” and “do.” • Encourage them with your optimistic words and actions. Find some positive aspect of their performance to motivate them to continue on and

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feel good about themselves: “You kept your eye on the ball every time you were up to bat.” “You did so well on your spelling test today.” “You should be so proud!” • Comment on their sports events or school activities and compliment them on their effort every chance you get: “Wow! What a great job! I knew you could sing in front of an audience.” “Your story is very interesting and the illustrations are so intricate!” “I really enjoyed seeing your project in the science fair. It is one of the most colorful and detailed entries.” This is my action plan when kids want to give up:

Preventing Misbehavior before It Happens Consider using an approach to good behavior that is grounded in the belief that all children resist being controlled. When you try to merely control kids, you use an inordinate amount of time and energy. In addition, when you simply react to misbehavior, you lose the opportunity to develop their confidence and accountability. When dealing with inappropriate behavior, always state the facts without complaint or blame. Develop a “win-win” discipline approach with Discipline without Tears strategies that will prevent most behavior problems before they occur. Discover the six steps of this highly effective plan for good behavior by decreasing inappropriate conduct and encouraging appropriate behavior patterns. Develop and maintain this efficient and most effective approach that works for both you and kids. Most of all, it maintains dignity for each of you. It is a proactive method that helps establish, teach, and consistently implement rules and regulations. Each step produces a positive impact on children’s behavior and lets them know that you have their best interest in mind. Discipline without Tears is a method that will foster improved adult-child relationships by focusing on both your needs and those of the young ones in your life. You feel recognized and valued in the process. This proactive approach to discipline is quite effective because it is grounded in the belief that children resist being held back in any way. In trying to just control them, you take away the opportunities that kids need to develop respect, responsibility, and self-control.

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Discipline without Tears Strategies Step 1: Separate Children from the Action When you accept children for who they are and as they are, you step out of a judgmental role as an educator. Separating youngsters from the action is basic if you are to effectively handle negative behaviors without attacking their self-worth: “I like you, but I don’t like you hitting your classmates.” In addition, this step requires clear, unambiguous communication from you. While you might think that your directions are clear, many times children do not interpret instructions in the way that you intended. In some cases they just weren’t listening, or they didn’t process them in the manner you thought they should. It is crucial to give specific, detailed steps that cannot be misunderstood. In some situations you need to set new limits, options, or even consequences. Specific appropriate strategies are needed because different situations call for modified responses. A good example is when you say to kids “Clean up your work area.” They don’t, and you remind them over and over again in the same way. In your mind you have a set time and a procedure for them to respond to your request in a manageable time frame, but often your ideas are not communicated clearly. Clarifications as to the procedures and time limit for this request need to be given so that there will be no confusion in their minds. You’ll get a better response to your appeal if you are more specific: “Clean your work area after you finish making your diorama,” or “Take the movie back to the library before you work on your written report.” The action that you want done or the certain behavior that you would like displayed is more likely to occur, when you make certain your instructions are specific. If this approach doesn’t work, establish a motivational reward first. If that is ineffective, a consequence is justified: “When you have finished cleaning your desk, we’ll go out for recess.” “You may share your pen pal letter with a friend after you address the envelope to be mailed.” Use whatever rewards work. You know your youngsters and students better than anyone. What will work best to motivate one may not be as effective with another. If you’re not certain what would be a motivating reward, ask them. Take mental notes for future ideas and situations. I separate my children from their actions when I:

I separate my students from their actions when I:

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Step 2: Give Positive Reinforcement You sometimes try to illicit a behavior from children by praising others. Keep in mind that positive feedback is best used to maintain and reinforce desired existing behavior, not to change an undesired behavior. Some praise and positive feedback for children are in order when they do something worth recognizing. Give the recognition in straightforward terms. The goal of positive reinforcement is to let them start and build on positive behaviors. Your positive focus will change children’s idea of a perceived threat into a much desirable promise. It’s much more effective in influencing their behavior if you communicate “As soon as you finish your lunch, we’ll watch a video,” rather than “If you don’t finish your lunch, you won’t watch the video.” A promise is much more respectful and pleasant to hear and is much more likely to get a positive response from them than making a threat, no matter what the situation may be. Use recognition as a very effective response for their progress toward good behavior. Recognizing kids’ positive behavior is an alternative to praising; it neither depends on your approval, nor does it establish any value judgment of them personally. Recognition simply describes their behavior and offers no value discernment. Recognition statements help connect kids’ actions with desirable behaviors. It will be most effective to say, “Your work is complete; now you may go out to play.” Recognition focuses on the task itself and its benefit to the child alone and not on you! I give positive reinforcement to my children for appropriate behaviors when I:

I give positive reinforcement to my students for appropriate behaviors when I:

Step 3: Motivate by Giving Choices Motivation is also important because children choose options based on what will fulfill their needs at the time. Some may be motivated by getting a dollar for an A on their report card and some may not. Letting them choose meaningful outcomes, or payoffs, for their choices and actions will be more beneficial than an arbitrary reward from you. Having choices often generates cooperation and commitment. Threats and bribes do not. When kids have several homework assignments, try offering some options. Ask them to select the sequence of the assignments to be completed: the easy ones first and the time-consuming ones last or vice versa. Clear limits and

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some options help them make better decisions so they don’t feel frustrated or overwhelmed by the workload. You don’t want to confuse the situation by offering too many options. Only a couple of choices are sufficient to make this strategy work effectively. My primary school students enjoyed a story entitled I Can’t Get My Turtle to Move. No matter what the little boy in the story did, he couldn’t get his pet turtle to poke its head out and walk toward him. He tried many things to get the turtle to move. None of them worked, except, at the end of the story, when he waved a piece of lettuce in front of the turtle. Only then, the turtle poked his head out of his shell and took a few steps toward the boy—toward the lettuce. After trying many things to entice the turtle to move, the little boy finally stumbled upon what would motivate him. I have often used this story in discussing inappropriate behaviors and discipline problems with parents. I don’t want to imply that the technique of using food is the best way to persuade or inspire or that food works as a motivator every time. You do need, from time to time, to “trouble shoot” to find out what works with kids. Your approach to behavior motivators needs practice to be most effective, but it is a good starting point to alter young ones’ negative behaviors into more positive ones. Use various rewards to discern which ones are the most effective in any given situation. Even a better idea is just to ask kids what would be a motivating reward for them. I’m sure you’ll get the best options in no time at all. I motivate my children when I:

I motivate my students when I:

Step 4: Connect Choices with Outcomes Both positive and negative consequences build responsibility by helping kids connect choices with outcomes. As long as they stay within the limits you impose, they experience positive consequences. A negative result is lack of access to the desired end result. Remember, consequences teach more than words. As long as consequences are appropriate for the circumstances and made clear ahead of time, it is in kids’ best interest to allow them to occur if they are warranted. Following through on clear limits and consequences is a good positive reinforcement strategy to establish lasting appropriate behavior patterns.

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Jimmy, a very responsible nine-year-old, is diligent about avoiding foods to which he is allergic. He does not like to feel out of control, which is what happens when he eats any food containing a red dye additive. His mom says the best motivator for Jimmy is when she reminds him about the bad feeling he gets when he ingests anything with the dye. The reminder alone keeps Jimmy away from food containing the harmful dye, better than any choice or consequence his mother could have come up with for him. Of course, not all children are so responsive at the mere suggestion of past feelings whether good or bad. Another thoughtful consideration is to set limits for kids according to their age and personality. Have they outgrown the boundaries you set for them? Some educators never realize the importance of checking if the restrictions they set in the past are appropriate for older kids. Responsibilities; homework loads; bedtimes; and rules about phone use, the Internet, and video games need to be changed as kids mature. Many times, within the same family or classroom you may have to modify and adjust things a little differently for some kids. “Marie is talkative and outgoing and I always try to set her limits more closely,” one teacher expressed. “Darren is so shy that I would experiment with boundaries that would stretch him a little,” a guidance counselor shared. If you offer the opportunity for relaxing boundaries and the response is not positive, you can always return to the way things were. You can approach children in this way: “I tried letting you set your own time for homework but it hasn’t been completed for three days. You have to go back to the old rule of doing your homework as soon as you come home from school. You can try again in a few weeks if you still want to set your own homework schedule.” If you haven’t made any changes in established rules for awhile, now might be a great opportunity to do so. Have you ever tried the “write” rule? If kids don’t take limits and rules seriously, try putting them in writing. On a piece of paper or in a notebook include the limits, rules, and what will happen as a consequence if they are disobeyed. You may jot down in the rulebook, “Put your skateboard in the garage when you come inside for the evening. It will be returned to you in three days if it’s left outside overnight.” This method works wonders in teaching children to care for their own things. Consistency is the key to effective discipline, and it’s important for educators to decide together with kids what the rules are and how to uphold them. Never underestimate the positive effect that your praise has in children. Discipline is not just about consequences, but also about recognizing appropriate words and actions. An important consideration is to be careful of unrealistic consequences.

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If you shouted in anger, “Slam the door and you’ll never have a day without homework this year,” would you be able to keep your promise? When you say, “Continue fighting in the back seat and we will head back to school and not the zoo,” make sure you do exactly that! The credibility you’ll gain with kids is much more valuable than a lost day at zoo. Unrealistic consequences may curb some of your power as an educator. If you and a student’s parents agree to the grounding of their child for a month, he may not be motivated to change his behavior because so much has been taken away. It’s also important to always focus on the positives. Have kids earn more free time in the library by demonstrating positive behavior instead of cutting off library privileges as a consequence for inappropriate behavior. This is how I connect choices with outcomes for my children:

This is how I connect choices with outcomes for my students:

Step 5: Instill a Work Ethic in Kids Give kids small jobs to perform, not only the care of their own possessions but also tasks that serve others. Even very young children can put their clothes away, bring their backpack home every day, or clean their locker. These kinds of responsibilities give them a feeling of independence as well as a sense of their own worth. Youngsters who learn to accept the discipline of daily duties early in life will be more likely to accept the discipline of school and work more readily and will complete their schoolwork without question. Children who are brought up to not accept any responsibilities will almost certainly look on any work as an unreasonable imposition on their time and energy. The work ethic, which has always been a strong element in American character, seems to be dwindling in school as well as the workplace. You can help reverse this trend right in your own classroom. Help young ones understand that for the rest of their lives they will be expected to perform some tasks that are neither enjoyable nor self-fulfilling. They must be taught that significant achievement is almost always the result of hard work. This idea may be the single most important element in the dynamic growth of the whole child—mind, body, and spirit at home, at school, and in the world of the information age.

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These are the ways I develop a work ethic in my children:

These are the ways I develop a work ethic in my students: Step 6: Set a Positive Example As an educator, you have the responsibility to behave in such a way that kids can look up to you and learn from your actions. Of course you need to instruct and guide them with your advice, but receiving only the right instruction will make little or no difference to kids who see adults doing the very things they have warned young people not to do. If you say you value reading, schedule a small portion of class for silent reading enjoyment for you and your students; they will surely come to the conclusion on their own that reading is really worthwhile and enjoyable after all. Children understand sometimes better than adults that “actions do speak louder than words.” These are the ways I set good examples of appropriate behaviors for my children:

These are the ways I set good examples of appropriate behaviors for my students:

Effective Ways to Influence Appropriate School Behavior • Refer to the code of conduct manual. Help kids become familiar with and support following school rules and regulations. • Take an active interest in kids’ activities, both academic and extracurricular. • Discuss behavior patterns with their parents. Find out if inappropriate behaviors are frequent at home. Express your concern and offer support. • Stress the importance of appropriate behavior in various situations. • Monitor their behavior and adjust your strategies for success regularly. Encourage children to discuss daily school events, including the bus ride to and from school. Be an active listener. Help them to trouble shoot solutions. • Show respect for kids always in what you say and do. They surely will, in turn, show respect for you and other adults.

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It is important for kids to understand that they must be considerate of others, whether at play, school, or home. Many academic problems can be traced to social difficulties. A socially well-adjusted child is more than likely to be a successful student. Young children should be exposed to larger groups whenever possible—at school, camp, or community centers and at functions. There they can participate in activities with people other than their immediate family. These types of environments present good opportunities to practice courtesy and respect toward others. This lesson is among the most crucial they will learn in preparation for primary school and beyond, where they will be involved with both children and adults who come from different kinds of backgrounds and environments. One of the challenges with school-age children is their inability to see the long-term benefits of discipline and hard work. As a consequence, they give up on their studies and concentrate on things that are not quite as important and that have an immediate payoff: completing a puzzle when they should be doing their homework assignments, or staying home and faking illness when a test is scheduled in school. They often consistently voice negative feelings, make inappropriate choices, and express their anger in different ways that are both inconsiderate and annoying to others. There is good news, though. You can channel their angry outbursts. These are the ways I influence my children’s school behavior:

These are the ways I influence my student’s school behavior:

Help Kids Express Anger Appropriately Some children turn to anger when they feel they can’t endure some distressing situation. Usually they lack the skills for expressing their feelings of hostility. These strategies will help you recognize and guide those who are withdrawing or exploding over everyday frustrations. Listen to What Kids Are Saying about Their Feelings Be willing to talk about any subject. Some young children are dealing with adult issues but their minds and bodies are not developed enough to handle these stresses. Don’t “boil over” with personal reactions. Say to them, “You may have a point, but let’s look at the facts together and discuss them.” “Let’s figure out a good solution together.”

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Provide Comfort and Assurance Tell kids you care about their problems, and show confidence in their ability to handle them appropriately with their words and actions. Tell Kids That Everyone Experiences Anger and That It’s Okay to Sometimes Feel Angry Assess the source of the anger by asking questions. Develop a clear picture of outcomes and communicate them. Stress to kids, “If you do this, that will happen,” or “Your friend doesn’t know how you feel. Why don’t you tell her?” Help set up a meeting if needed. Encourage Kids to Shift Gears Motivate them to engage in some positive activity to help refocus their thoughts and alleviate hot tempers. Maintain a consistent focus regardless of their demands and pressure. Ask them, “How would you feel if your friend did that to you?” or “Would you like to be treated like you’re treating your teacher?” These are the things I do to teach kids to deal with anger appropriately:

Teach Basic Problem-Solving Skills Discussing conflict resolution strategies with children will come in very handy with any situation current or future. Permit them to apply these skills to figure out a solution by themselves with your guidance. Talk over the steps to rectify the events together. Act out the situation using role-playing to show how they should act in certain circumstances, if you think that it’s necessary. Look at how you handle your anger. Are you setting a good example? Take every opportunity to reinforce a healthy response to outrage. Mention improvements in behavior that you have observed. Give praise often for their best efforts. These are the ways I teach my children problem-solving skills:

These are the ways I teach my students problem-solving skills:

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A Note about Bullying The first and second graders at Elm Street School bus stop were being bullied by a fifth-grade boy. Apparently, Sam got in trouble for forcing the smaller kids out of the back seats of the bus every morning. His father was furious when he found out and wanted to ground him for a year. Sam’s principal had a better idea. She gave him a choice: “Sit in your assigned seat, or sit in the one directly behind the bus driver every day.” This wasn’t a hard choice for Sam to make. He soon got over his need to sit in the back of the bus. He even was friendlier and protective of the little children at his bus stop. If a child’s angry behavior continues, consult the school guidance counselor or psychologist for needed information and helpful resources. Bullying behavior isn’t always easy to define. Where do you draw the line between good-natured teasing and bullying? Teasing resembles bullying because it can prompt feelings of anger or embarrassment. Teasing also can be less hostile and done with humor, rather than harm. It often promotes an exchange between people rather than a one-sided dose of intimidation. Although a black eye, a ripped shirt, or destroyed personal items are concrete signs that a student may be a victim of bullying, there are different ways kids bully that aren’t always as easy to spot: • Cyber bullying—Bullies use technology to harass victims at all hours, in wide circles through e-mail, instant messaging, chat rooms, and camera cell phones. • Emotional bullying—This type of bullying is more common among girls. It is a more subtle type of bullying. It usually revolves around isolating or excluding a student from activities and spreading rumors. • Verbal bullying—Bullies often use name calling, endless mocking, and laughing at the student’s expense in this sort of bullying. • Physical bullying—This kind of bullying can accompany verbal bullying and also includes kicking, hitting, biting, pinching, hair pulling, or threats of physical harm. • Racist bullying—Racial slurs characterize this sort of bullying, which includes using offensive gestures or making jokes about a student’s cultural traditions. • Sexual bullying—This sort of bullying involves unwanted physical contact or sexually abusive or inappropriate comments. Also, despite the common notion that bullying is a problem mostly among boys, both boys and girls bully. The differences are in the ways they bully. Girls tend to inflict pain on a psychological level. They might ostracize other

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girls by snubbing them in class, ignoring them in the lunchroom, or not including them when sleep-over invitations are handed out. Boys aren’t so subtle, and they can get quite physical. Boy bullies are more apt to insult their victims on the playground rather than ignore them. Instead of isolating a student during gym class, they may take relentless aim and target the student throw after throw in a kickball game. Sadly, bullying is widespread. According to a Kids Health Poll, 86 percent of more than 1,200 nine- to thirteen-year-old boys and girls polled said they’ve seen someone else being bullied; 48 percent said that they’ve been bullied; and 42 percent admitted to bullying other kids at least once. Methods of Bullying Both boys and girls bully others, but they do it differently, according to results from the Midwest Bullying Studies conducted by the Bureau of Educational Services and Applied Research at the University of North Dakota. School bullying among children and adolescents has been the focus of many international studies over the last thirty years. In his seminal research, Norwegian scholar Daniel Olweus coined bullying as “mobbing” and defined it as an individual or group of individuals harassing, teasing, or pestering another person. However, it was not until 1982 that school officials in Norway turned their attention to school bullying, and did so only after three eleven-year-old boys committed suicide as a result of extreme harassment from classmates. Following these events, the Ministry of Education in Norway launched a national campaign against bullying in which a prevention program was implemented in every primary and secondary school. The United States and several other countries, including England, Italy, Canada, Japan, and Australia, have all implemented programs through the education department to address bullying in schools. The recent concern over school shootings in the United States has led many schools to adopt “zerotolerance” policies for aggressive behavior, including bullying. In fall 2003, the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services launched a multiyear national bullying public awareness and prevention campaign. This crusade is having a profound effect on anti-bullying policies in our schools. School districts across the nation are instituting and implementing district anti-bullying programs. Staff development is mandatory concerning the prevention of bullying in these districts. Why Do Kids Bully? There are many reasons why kids may become bullies. Bullies frequently target people who are different. Then, they seek to exploit those differences.

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They choose victims who they think are unlikely to retaliate, kids who, among other things, are overweight, wear glasses, or have obvious physical differences are common subjects for ridicule. The differences don’t always have to be just physical. Children, who learn at a different pace, are over anxious, or insecure, can also be targets for bullies. Bullies may also turn to this abusive behavior as a way of dealing with a difficult situation at home, such as a divorce, a sibling’s health problems, or a death in the family. Bullies might not realize how hurtful their actions can be, but some know the pain firsthand because they have been bullied or have been victims of abuse themselves. Some bullies think their behavior is normal because they come from families in which everyone regularly gets angry, shouts, and/or name calls. They copy what they know. Just like the children they’re tormenting, bullies often have low self-esteem but not always. Whatever the cause, bullies usually pick on their peers as a way of dealing with their own problems. Sometimes they pick on kids because they need a victim—someone who seems emotionally or physically weaker—to try to gain acceptance and feel more important, popular, or in control. Although some bullies are bigger and stronger than their victim, bullies can come in all shapes and sizes. Signs That Children Are Victims of Bullying • • • • • • • • •

bumps and bruises inventing illnesses to avoid school missing belongings or money sleeping problems bedwetting irritability poor concentration unexpected changes in routine problems with homework

Being bullied can also have long-term consequences, affecting the way children form relationships as adolescents and adults, and even possibly leading to more serious problems such as substance abuse and depression. In addition, bullying victims are more likely to experience withdrawn behaviors such as anxiety and depression. I am more aware of the possibility of bullying in my children’s lives when I: I am more aware of the possibility of bullying in my students’ lives when I:

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If Children Are Being Bullied Being a good listener is one of the best ways to comfort children in any negative situation. Just talking about the problem and knowing you care can be helpful. Children are likely to feel vulnerable while discussing bullying and how it makes them feel, so it’s important to show your unconditional love or support. If you find out that they are being bullied, don’t add to their burden by becoming angry. Although it’s understandable to be upset, be careful not to let them see that you are disturbed. Your sadness, frustration, or anger could be misinterpreted as disappointment. Be sure to validate children’s feelings; don’t minimize them. You should also reassure them that they aren’t to blame for the situation. Explain that bullies are often confused or unhappy people who don’t feel good about themselves, and ask your children the following thoughtful questions: • • • • • • •

What is it like walking to the bus stop or home from school? What is it like on the bus to and from school? What happens on the playground during recess? What happens in the cafeteria during lunch? What happens in the restroom during the school day? What happens in the hallways when you change classes? Have these bullies threatened anybody else that you know?

This approach might make it easier for kids to talk about bullies because it isn’t as personal and emphasizes that other kids experience it too. Artwork, drawings, and the use of puppets may prompt younger children to talk about bullies. Older kids, however, may be helped by direct questions and by asking them to talk about their “friends” and “enemies.” The key to helping them deal with bullying is to help them regain a sense of dignity and recover damaged self-esteem. This how I counsel my kids if I suspect they are being bullied:

This is how I counsel my students if I suspect they are being bullied:

To help ward off bullies, give kids these tips: Hold the Anger It’s natural to get really upset with a bully, but that’s exactly the response the bully is aiming for. Not only will getting angry or violent not solve the

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problem, it will make it worse. Bullies want to know they have control over another’s emotions. Never Get Physical or Bully Back Emphasize that they should never use physical force to deal with a bully. Not only does that show anger, but they can never be sure what the bully will do in response. Tell children that it’s best to hang out with others, stay safe, and get help from an adult when the bully is around. Act Brave, Walk Away, and Ignore the Bully Tell kids to look the bully in the eye and say, “Stop it right now.” Advise them to then walk away, and avoid any future taunts. Encourage them to “walk tall.” Bullies thrive on the reaction they get. By walking away or ignoring hurtful e-mails or instant messages, they will be telling the bully that they don’t care what he or she says. Hopefully, sooner or later, the bully will get bored trying to bother them. Use Humor If kids are in a situation in which they have to deal with a bully and can’t walk away easily, tell them to use humor, or give the bully a compliment to throw him or her off guard. However, tell them not to use humor to make fun of the bully; it will only make matters worse. Tell an Adult When kids are being bullied, emphasize that it is very important that they tell an adult when it’s happening. Teachers, principals, parents, and lunchroom and playground assistants can all help to “nip it in the bud” and put a stop to it. Studies show that schools where principals crack down on this type of behavior have less bullying. Talk It Over It may help if kids who are bullied talk to a guidance counselor, teacher, or a friend—anyone who can give them the support they need. Talking can be a good outlet for the fears and frustrations that can build during these unpleasant situations.

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Use the Buddy System Enlisting the help of friends or a support group may help kids to stand up to bullies. A bully wants to be recognized and feel powerful, after all, so a lot of bullying takes place in the presence of peers. Tell kids to offer support for a friend who’s having trouble with a bully. Develop More Friendships by Joining Social Organizations, Clubs, or Sports Programs Set up regular social visits with other kids. Being in a group with other kids who share like interests may help build bullied kids’ self-esteem, and give them a larger group of positive-minded peers to spend time with and turn to when help is needed. These are the added tips I give my kids about bullying:

These are the added tips I give my students about bullying:

As a concerned educator you may have to intervene in persistent cases of bullying. That can involve walking to school with kids, driving them to school, and talking to parents, the school counselor, and principal. Safety should be everyone’s concern. If you and other educators have tried the previous methods and still feel the need to speak to the bullying child’s parents, it’s best to do so in the context of the school, where a school official can help mediate, problem solve, and arrive at a solution so that everyone concerned will be satisfied that the bullying will be a thing of the past. Learning that one of your kids or students is the bully can be shocking news to any parent or educator. It’s very important to remain calm and avoid becoming defensive, as that can make a bad situation worse. You have a greater impact on the situation if you express disappointment, not anger. Because bullying often stems from unhappiness or insecurity, ask the child if something is bothering him or her. Kids who bully aren’t likely to own up to their own behavior and the reasons for acting out in this way. As a parent and educator, you need to get the bully to discuss the negative situation, and answer some specific hard-hitting questions: • How do you feel about yourself? • How do you think things are going at home and at school?

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Are you being bullied? Do you get along with other kids at school? How do you treat other kids at school? What do you think about being considered a bully? Why do you think you are bullying? What might help you to stop bullying?

To get to the bottom of why your child or student is hurting others, schedule an appointment to talk with the principal, school counselor, or psychologist. When you suspect that your child is a bully, it’s important to address the problem to try to mend the inappropriate behaviors. After all, bullying is violence, and it often leads to more antisocial and violent behavior as the bully grows up. Seek other professional help if all your efforts are not successful in stopping the aggressive behavior. These are the hard-hitting questions I ask if I suspect my child is bullying:

These are the hard-hitting questions I ask if I suspect my student is bullying:

Helping Kids to Stop Bullying Although certainly not all bullying stems from family problems, it’s a good idea for you to get parents on board to examine their child’s behavior and personal reactions they witness at home. If kids live with taunting or name calling from a sibling or from one parent, it could be prompting aggressive or hurtful behavior outside the home. What may seem like innocent teasing at home may actually model bullying behaviors. Kids who are on the receiving end of it learn that bullying can translate into control over other kids they perceive as weak. Constant teasing, whether at home or at school, can also affect a young person’s self-esteem. Kids with low self-esteem can grow to feel emotionally insecure. They can also end up blaming others for their own shortcomings. Making others feel badly can give them a sense if power. Home and school should be a safe haven, where children aren’t subjected to uncomfortable and harsh criticism from others. In addition to maintaining a healthy and positive environment for kids, there are a number of ways you as a parent and educator can encourage them to give up bullying:

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Emphasize That Bullying Is a Serious Problem Make sure they understand that you will not tolerate bullying, and that bullying will have consequences at home and school. Teach Kids to Treat People Who Are Different with Respect and Kindness If their negative behaviors continue, consult the school guidance counselor or psychologist for additional needed information and helpful resources. Set Limits Stop any show of aggression immediately and guide kids to find nonviolent ways to react. Observe Kids’ Interactions with Others and Praise Appropriate Behavior Positive reinforcement is always more powerful than a negative one every step of the way. Set Realistic Goals and Don’t Expect an Immediate Change As kids learn to modify their behavior, assure them that you still care for them. Emphasize it’s the behavior that you don’t like and not them personally. These are the ways I guide my kids if they are bullying others:

These are the ways I guide my students if they are bullying others:

Getting Help for Both Kids Who Bully and Kids Being Bullied A big part of helping kids when bullying is an issue is not being afraid to ask others for assistance and advice. Whether a child is being bullied or is the one doing the bullying, you may need to get outside help. Take advantage of both in-school and outside counseling services. Voice your concerns to fellow teachers, school bus drivers, counselors, the school board, and the parentteacher association.

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Ask your colleagues also to take an active role in the district’s bullying program if one is in place. If your school does not yet have a bullying program in place, ask that one be set up. School personnel, parents, and community members working together can help to make the necessary changes in the school environment to stamp out bullying in your school district. These are the support systems I will seek out for my kids/students who are bullied or are bullying others:

How Can You Resolve Conflict? As an educator, you can develop an action plan for kids to cope with or erase any conflict in their young lives. Modify it to suit your personal teaching style. Recognize and Acknowledge the Situation and Determine the Real Problem Think about what is really wrong. Does everyone involved understand the problem? Did you communicate your expectations clearly? Perhaps a simple misunderstanding is at the root of the problem. Defuse Disruptive or Volatile Circumstances The most important step in defusing a conflict situation is to move to a neutral location. Problem solving and joint decision making can be an effective way to diffuse an emotional situation. Establish an Open and Positive Atmosphere Stay in control of your emotions, set ground rules, and do not place blame. Once you have neutralized the situation, you are ready to begin negotiating a solution. Everyone involved should agree to abide by these rules. Ask the Right Questions and Listen Carefully Assemble the facts from all sides without judging. While each child involved is speaking, the others should listen without interrupting. Then kids can ask questions of one another. When you believe you have enough information, it is time to reverse the roles. You speak and the children listen.

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Determine the Effect How does the conflict affect all concerned? Consider how each one feels. Make suggestions to improve the situation. No one’s feelings or beliefs should be brushed aside; if that happens, it will only create more conflicts in the future. Find Some Common Interest When everyone agrees on one point, it can be the foundation for some resolutions. Make a positive effort to a solid agreement, even if the agreement is to disagree. You might want to start by acknowledging that everyone involved wants the best for everyone else, even though they have different ideas about how to achieve that goal. Discuss Possible Outcomes and Negotiate to Develop a Win-Win Solution Develop a workable plan with suggestions from all sides. It is important for everyone involved to make a personal commitment to support the plan they have developed. Follow these simple steps the next time a conflict arises. You may even be surprised how well they work! This is my action plan for my children to resolve conflict in their lives:

This is my action plan for my students to resolve conflict in their lives:

A Children’s Mini Lesson to Resolve Conflict! If you’re angry . . . If someone else is mad . . . If you think there may be a fight . . . here’s what you can do: 1. Walk away. When someone else is fighting mad, just walk away. No one can make you fight. 2. Share. Do you both want the same thing? Sharing is a great way to avoid an argument or fight. 3. Talk it out. You don’t have to argue. Just talk about it. See what you can work out together.

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4. Apologize. When you do something that upsets someone and you feel badly about it, just say you’re sorry. That makes the other person feel better and you will too. Discipline without Tears will open many doors for the children whose lives you touch on a daily basis. Doors to the joys of learning and the wonders of childhood are within their reach. When children continually “act out,” even after all your interventions, they are telling you that they need more than you can give them. Seek help from others when needed. Children deserve the best! Discipline without Tears is a cooperative, win-win approach to good behavior but it is not a magic act. It is a process that often involves rethinking your goals, modifying ideas, and adjusting action plans when they pertain to behavior management. A cooperative relationship with children takes time, patience, and above all faith in yourself and them. It may be difficult for you, from time to time, to keep up a positive attitude amid the challenges you face every day with kids. It is worth all the time that you take and every effort that you make to change undesired, inappropriate behaviors into desired, appropriate ones for those in your charge. You can do it. The rewards are priceless both for you and them! Instruction increases inborn worth, discipline strengthens the heart. —Horace

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Life Lesson 9 Motivate Kids; Give Kids Space to Be

Praise youth and it will prosper. —Irish Proverb

C

HILDREN NEED TIME TO THINK,

read, write, dream, draw, build, create, and explore special interests. These activities promote self-awareness by helping children clarify who they are and what truly interests them. Kids who are involved in too many programmed activities may have little time for experiments in self-discovery. Children are natural learners. Motivating them is best accomplished by fostering a supportive climate in which you as an educator serve as a coach. They will then have the opportunity to choose activities that connect with their own experiences. This makes acquiring knowledge and developing skills more relevant and enjoyable for them.

Motivation Essentials Life Lesson 9 addresses ways to motivate children to do their best and to give them space to be. The ultimate purpose of your existence is to bring presence into this world. Is there something in you that can help bring about motivation in children? As an educator, the most important thing that you can do for kids is just to be there for them. Give them space to just be themselves and get in touch with their own true essence. In the present, awareness is the power

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that is often concealed. Are you able to be present in the now as an agent of comfort and love by just being there for kids? “She has a high IQ of 135 and can’t complete her homework by herself,” laments Shana’s mother. “He has so much talent in sports, but he doesn’t play in most of the team’s games because he misses too many practices,” Gary’s father offers. Both of these parents are talking about how motivation or the lack of it is affecting their children’s lives. Motivation refers to the “whys” of human behavior: what children do, how they do it, and when and where they do it are all easy to observe. Why they do it is the subject matter of motivation. Motivation gives direction to what kids do. Observing kids with your previous knowledge and experiences of them helps you arrive at a good guess as to their motivation. In addition to giving direction to behavior, motivation also gives it intensity—kids will work harder to secure a place on the swim team rather than pass an algebra course. One aspect of motivation that is most important is how it affects children’s learning, performance, and behavior at home and school. My children are motivated in these areas:

My students are motivated in these areas:

My children need motivation in these areas:

My students need motivation in these areas:

Steps to Building Children’s Motivation Step 1: Love and Trust The desire to become motivated comes early in life. What goes on in early childhood in interpersonal relationships strongly affects motivation later in life. Young kids develop love and trust through the caring that is given to them. It’s so much easier for kids to learn to talk, walk, read, and write if they feel someone really cares about them. Children grow from trusting their parents and other people in their life to trusting themselves. They move quickly from dependence as infants to interdependence as toddlers then to independence as they get older.

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This independence and a strong desire for self-assertion are part of the necessary groundwork for motivation. When children begin to attend school, most are at the stage of development where they really want to achieve. They desire real goals, even if they are short-term. They want to compete, and know where they stand with others. Few first graders are reluctant learners; the real problem of motivation for academic learning usually comes later. These are examples of the ways I build love and trust in my kids:

These are the examples of the ways I build love and trust in my students:

Step 2: Imitation Imitation is the next step toward building motivation. Out of it grows selfidentification. Self-identification is trying to be like others. Children’s most important identifications are with their parents first, then their teachers and other significant people in their life. This identification is needed to motivate behavior during the growing up years. Having only models who are successful or, conversely, who always seem to fail, is a deterrent. These are the ways my kids imitate the things I say and do:

These are the ways my students imitate the things I say and do: Step 3: Competence The following step to building motivation is competence in specific areas of physical, intellectual, social, and emotional functioning. What does competency do? Children who conquer the first-grade reader are motivated to read other books. If they learn to play T-ball without too much difficulty and feel good about their accomplishments, they will attempt to do even better and try new things. Success and failure tend to become patterns. If failure is experienced, often, kids begin to see themselves as not likely to succeed. Some may find many excuses to stop trying; others may regularly misbehave. Fostering healthy motivation depends upon a foundation of love and acceptance, trust and care, dependence to independence, and then eventually to competence. Encourage kids to be individuals, separate in their own right,

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yet able to seek help from others, loosening family ties enough to allow for outside experience. Provide opportunities for their developing proficiency and find exemplary role models for them. These are the areas in which my kids are competent:

These are the areas in which my students are competent:

These are some ways I can build my children’s competence at home:

These are some ways I can build my students’ competence at school:

You have a very important role in influencing motivation by letting kids know if their behavior is pleasing or displeasing. The use of both tangible rewards (a trip to the library to celebrate completing reading a book, a class picnic at the end of a successful school year) and intangible ones (a hug, a good report card on the refrigerator for all to see to reinforce desired behavior, a smile of approval, or words of praise) will help in influencing motivation in your children. Most experts agree that the transition from external to internal selfmotivation must be made if children are to develop into mature persons able to cope with life’s challenges. Kids who do well in school usually do well in the work world later on in life. A fact to keep in mind is that there is no universal schedule for them achieving motivation. Different children are motivated to learn and master new skills on varied personal timetables. They need to learn new methods for being helped and, at the same time, learn to help themselves. It is a gradual process requiring some insight and patience on your part. Setting standards and guiding kids to strive for excellence is an ongoing process. Children must know what worthwhile effort is and must be assisted to discriminate between a good and a poor effort. They must realize that people in their lives approve of their best efforts even if they don’t always succeed. Appreciation motivates kids to do their best. They try harder when they know you are pleased with their hard work and achievement. Ways you as an educator can show appreciation include the following:

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• “You made me happy when you cleaned your locker when I asked you to do it and when you helped your friend with his.” • “You studied long and hard for your science test. I’m proud of you.” • “You really helped me by carrying the heavy books into school. Thank you.” These are the things I say to show my appreciation at home:

These are the things I do to show my appreciation at school:

Motivation Rules • Expect the best from kids. Keep in mind their unique talents and needs. Tell them often: “I have a lot of confidence in you.” “Always do your best.” “I knew you could do it.” • Set limits for acceptable behavior. “Free time is only ten minutes today.” • Communicate confident expectations of success based on individual potential. “You’ve worked so hard and completed all your schoolwork yesterday. I’m sure you’ll put forth your very best effort today, also.” • Acknowledge kids’ feelings. Listen to their fears, annoyances, and anger, as well as their achievements and joys. Positive motivation requires that all emotional space not be occupied by negative feelings. Allow your calmness to quiet any negative emotions. • Be specific when you praise children’s efforts. “Your handwriting is so neat and easy to read,” instead of “Your writing looks good.” • Be consistent in your approval or disapproval. If kids are praised for something, the absence of comments the next time they repeat the same behavior may be taken as disapproval. If you ignore a behavior for which they have been previously reprimanded, it may be construed as permission to continue. • Give many opportunities to make choices. Help kids learn to become independent with your support. • Give concrete rewards! Adults work for them: money, promotions, and status. Kids, often, but not always, need such rewards. Rely on your good judgment with the use of particular rewards. Too often more is expected of children than of adults. They are expected to work for work’s sake in many instances. However, tangible rewards alone often fail. They are more often effective when coupled with intangible rewards such as praise or a pat on the back.

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• Set goals and celebrate kids’ achievements. This helps motivate them for their next goal. • Tell kids they’re great. Back up your words with actions. Show them you care about them every day in every way. Be there for them totally. Even if you are away at a conference or attending staff development sessions, let kids know that you will check on their progress in your absence. Obviously, you can’t possibly do everything right all the time. You needn’t be perfect. You have your own motivation problems and pressures at home and school while trying to motivate kids. Real concern shown to them, your watchful interest, and open communication are the keys to what will boost their motivation. Children are flexible and resilient. Most grow in spite of imperfect environments. Nonetheless, their motivation cannot thrive in an atmosphere of worry that everything must be perfect all the time or nothing else will be. Lighten up! Kids always choose to be with a relaxed, less-stressed parent or teacher, and value that model of behavior much more than a home-cooked meal every day, a neat and organized classroom, or that their tests are graded the day after they were taken. Be good to yourself and kids. Their motivation will flourish in your watchful eyes. Get them excited about the important things: eating healthy food, getting along with others, completing homework assignments, and showing their best effort on a team. That excitement will be the very thing that can turn into motivation that will last a lifetime!

Boost Self-Esteem What does “self-esteem” really mean to children? Self-esteem is how they think and feel about themselves. The more they like themselves, the higher their self-esteem. Youngsters with high self-esteem tell themselves things like: • “People like me.” • “I’m smart.” • “I always do my best.” Children with low self-esteem get down on themselves. You can influence these kids to change their negative thoughts into more positive ones. Assist them to build their self-respect by helping them think of things they’re proud of: • a special talent • a great sense of humor • times they helped someone

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Every Child Is Unique! When you see kids feeling down, encourage them to tell themselves: “Things will get better.” “I played a perfect score on the piano. Not one mistake. Wow!” “My solo was in perfect pitch.” “I practiced long and hard for that test and it paid off!” Assist your children to set goals for themselves. This is probably one of the best ways to boost their self-esteem. First, set some goals that can be reached fairly soon: • try out for a sports team • join a club • pass a math chapter test Also, set goals that will take more time: • pass third grade • learn to play the drums to qualify for the school concert • finish high school Create this mantra with kids: “I can do it! I’ll do my best!” Repeat it often. The best advice is to stress to your children, “Be yourself!” “Don’t worry about being better or worse than anyone else.” “Remember: No one is perfect.” “You are special!” “You are unique!” As kids gets older, impress on them that they can be strong and still belong. Stress to them that it’s okay to want to be liked by others but not when it means giving in to peer pressure. It’s never worth doing things that could jeopardize them or someone else. True friends will accept their choices and will like them for who they are! Share with kids that friends who don’t accept them are not worth having. Real friends don’t pressure each other. Self-esteem is also about giving and getting respect in their relationships with their peers. Share these tips with your kids: • • • • • • •

Live up to your word. Do what you say you’re going to do. Treat others with respect. You’ll get respect in return. Talk with someone you trust. Discuss how you feel in the situation. Remember that you are special! Encourage yourself whenever you need it. Praise yourself when you deserve it. Trust your own feelings and good judgment.

Everybody could do with a confidence boost sometimes, even educators. Even the most confident people have bad moments. The key is that building

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self-esteem is not just about thinking well of yourself. It’s about not thinking bad of yourself for any reason! And it’s a skill you can learn and share with kids. These are the ways my kids are unique:

These are the ways my students are unique:

When I consider my kids’ unique abilities, this is what I say and do:

When I consider my students’ unique abilities, this is what I say and do:

Confidence Boosters As a great educator, you want kids to develop the confidence necessary to feel good in their own skin, succeed socially and academically, and stand up to peer pressure. To accomplish these things, consider these confidence boosters. Teach Instead of Preach The goal of discipline is to help them learn to act positively without you and to learn from their mistakes. Keep pontificating at bay. Show Confidence When you are confident in what you say and do in front of children, they will follow your lead. They are more likely to be confident themselves. Expect and Accept Disappointments for What They Are Upsets, hurts, failure, and mistakes teach children how to be flexible in the face of life’s challenges. Encourage Independence Kids make mistakes. Let them. Making mistakes is part of the process of problem solving. Not making a big issue of these errors leaves you more time

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for more important things such as guiding each one to discover how he or she is personally unique. Acknowledge Emotions Let kids know their feelings are valid. Sometimes it’s OK to be sad, angry, scared, or frustrated. Help them trouble shoot to improve situations or events. Make Changes Slowly, Not All at Once Permit kids some time to feel comfortable with a new teacher or school before reviewing your academic standards with them. Expect Regression When kids suddenly want you to take charge of things they’ve confidently done in the past—tying shoes, getting on the school bus, completing individual projects—indulge them for a short time. If you don’t let it become a power struggle, most likely they’ll reclaim their former independence and regain their confidence. These are the things I say to boost my kids’ confidence:

These are the things I say to boost my students’ confidence:

These are the things I do to boost my kids’/students’ confidence:

Help Kids Learn from Mistakes Fear of making mistakes and feeling embarrassed are the greatest barriers to kids taking risks, to meeting new and exciting challenges, and to learning in general. The ways they deal with mistakes and failures are linked explicitly to their self-esteem. If they have a healthy dose of self-respect, they are more likely to perceive mistakes as experiences from which to learn. On the other hand, those with low self-esteem feel defeated by mistakes and are so distressed by failure that they withdraw, and in some cases, they completely “shut down.” Guide these kids to become more comfortable with the role that mistakes play in their lives. Lead them to view failures as just

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temporary setbacks and great learning experiences. Model this in your life. Modeling desired behaviors for them is a great teaching tool. This is my action plan to help my kids learn from their mistakes:

This is my action plan to help my students learn from their mistakes:

Be a Positive Role Model Your words and actions affect children in profound ways. If you are seen backing away from challenges and often quitting projects, you should not be surprised in any way if they do the same. If you are not courageously taking on your challenges, their schoolwork as well as in some out of school situations may be impacted negatively: quitting the baseball team, not wanting to continue going to piano lessons, or feigning illness on the day of a big test. I am a good role model when I:

Help Kids Set Goals Setting the bar too high, expecting more from kids than they are capable of giving, will create an environment from which they will certainly flee. Permit them to choose activities they think they’ll enjoy rather than the ones you’d personally like. Always guard against a “What’s the use attitude?” with them. Your goal here is to agree on activities that they can enjoy and be enthusiastic about, and not anxious or fearful because of them. This is a list of the goals I am helping my kids set:

These are the goals I am helping my students set:

Share That Mistakes Are Accepted Communicate that mistakes are a natural part of everyone’s life. Humor is a great way to minimize the negative power of mistakes. Share your personal

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stories of some events that just quite didn’t go as you planned. Monitor and adjust your own attitude when kids make errors and avoid being judgmental. Be consistently positive with them. Ask yourself in these situations: “Would I want anyone to say to me what I am saying now?” Another good strategy is to prepare kids before they make a mistake. For example, when they’re struggling with a reading assignment it may be beneficial to say, “It’s okay. I’m here to help you. We can sound out the words together. In no time at all you’ll be able to read those big words on your own.” This is the story I share with my kids/students about how I learned from my mistakes:

Let Kids Know When Mistakes Happen That It’s Okay Often kids feel that you won’t like them if they make a mistake. Your unconditional love and caring are most important factors for helping them learn to deal with their errors and perceived failures. It is when they do make mistakes and experience setbacks that your ability to be empathetic is really tested. I show unconditional love in these special ways at home:

I show genuine caring in these special ways at school:

Self-Esteem Survey for Kids Assess your level of self-esteem by honestly responding to these statements. Most kids feel bad about themselves from time to time. So, when reading this survey, think about how you feel most of the time.

1. 2. 3. 4. 5.

I accept constructive criticism from others. I am at ease when meeting people. I am honest about my feelings. I have a few close friends. I usually learn from my mistakes.

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YES ___ ___ ___ ___ ___

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I take responsibility for my actions. I like new experiences and challenges. I am accepting of my physical appearance. I give myself credit for my achievements. I am happy for others when they succeed.

___ ___ ___ ___ ___

___ ___ ___ ___ ___

If you answered yes to most of the statements, you most likely have a healthy opinion about yourself. Whatever your level of self-esteem is now, you can take positive steps to improve it today! Your teacher is there for you with all the help you need to feel better about yourself. Ask for some help. Self-Esteem Strategies True self-esteem is realizing one’s real power in the present, which comes out of stillness in life. Remind kids often to think positively about themselves. Tell them, “Make it a point everyday to be your own best friend.” Help them to raise their self-esteem by sharing the following powerful strategies with them. They really work! Accept Yourself Take pride in your own individuality. Identify and accept your strengths and weaknesses (everyone has them). Develop your own great unique talents and abilities. Encourage Yourself Hold on to a “can-do” attitude. Set a reasonable timetable for personal goals, and offer yourself motivation rewards. Praise Yourself Praise yourself whenever you need it! Take pride in your achievements, both great and small. Remember, your experiences are yours alone. No one can ever take them from you. Embrace them! Enjoy them! Set Goals for Yourself Set and meet realistic goals by learning new skills and developing your own unique abilities.

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Take Time for You Regularly set aside time for yourself to be alone and quiet. Take time to relax and relieve stress when needed. Get involved in activities you can enjoy alone: crafts, stamp collecting, reading, computer games, oil painting, or knitting. The best lesson here is to learn to enjoy your own company. Be your own best friend. Trust Yourself Pay attention to your thoughts and feelings. Act on what you think is right. Trust your own judgment. Do what makes you happy and feel good about yourself. Respect Yourself Always be yourself! Don’t ever try to be someone else. Be proud of who you are. Explore and appreciate your own special talents. Love Yourself Learn to love the unique person that you are. Accept and learn from your mistakes. Accept your successes and failures—those who love you do! With these easy but powerful steps, you can improve kids’ self-esteem. It’s really worth the effort. The positive changes will be rewarding. Watch and see! This is what I say to my kids daily to raise their self-esteem:

This is what I say to my students daily to raise their self-esteem:

Great Motivation Considerations Don’t ever underestimate your role in motivating kids and guiding them to do better and to stretch the limits of their capabilities. Do you remember the fable “The Tortoise and the Hare”? The tortoise won the race because he was more “motivated” than the hare. No matter how slow he was, the tortoise just kept “plugging away” until he reached his goal and won the race. Kids who are motivated seem excited to try new things. They do their chores at home, complete their schoolwork and homework without a lot of prodding and

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nagging. They say yes more than they say no! They always do their best. They enjoy everyday challenges and want to learn new things. Research studies show that average students often do better than bright ones who just don’t put forth their best effort. Make no mistake about it; no one has more influence over kids’ motivation than you. Your positive thoughts and actions help them develop a most important “can do” attitude. It gets them excited about their life. That excitement can turn into motivation that will last a lifetime! Under your watchful eye and with your unwavering encouragement, kids’ motivational development will flourish. It has no place to go but up! I like to encourage my kid/students in these ways:

The Best Motivator for Children The most powerful motivator that you can give children is your undivided attention. The moments you spend talking and listening to them will make them feel good about themselves and encourage them to do their best. Your kids and students have a profound desire for you to be there for them. No matter what you do it is never enough—if you neglect just being there for them totally in the present. Doing more and more for kids, presenting cutting-edge information, providing enrichment opportunities, and giving them every possible material thing within your power—these things are not what they really want. You often think that these things will satisfy their desires and make you feel better. The reality is that all you do and give to them is not what they truly desire. You will not feel as complete or validated in all the “doing” as you thought with this type of attention. Take a moment and ask yourself what kids really want. Ask them, and they will tell you, and you will be surprised. Most educators think kids will say that they want more time with their mom and/or dad. The fact is that only 10 percent of the children respondents in a survey said they wished for more time with mom, and 15 percent of the respondents indicated that they hoped for more time with dad. What most children wanted was that their parents be less stressed and tired when they did spend time with them. Only 2 percent of the moms and dads guessed that they would respond in this way. When in doubt, ask your kids what is important to them. They will tell you every time! If you really want a challenge, ask your students what they need. Prepare yourself for their answers.

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Because your attention is so important, make every effort to give more attention to their good behavior and less to their bad behavior. For example, “Since you and your team finished your Native American project work today, let’s watch a movie about the Hopi Indians tomorrow in class,” or “You finished all your assignments before the due date, after school let’s go to the ice cream shop to celebrate.” Practical Motivation Techniques • Teach young ones to set goals for themselves. Start small. They may want to master a vocabulary word list and meanings, learn a new melody on the guitar, or hit a ball with a bat three times out of five. Remember to celebrate each success as they experience it. Keep in mind also that if they feel successful in one area or in part of a more extensive project, they are more willing to do more and learn new skills a lot easier than kids who don’t feel that they are at the top of their game. • Supply an inexpensive photo album or scrapbook for kids. They may use it to store awards, ribbons, honor roll certificates and photos of sports, school, and extra curricular events. When something new is put in the album, talk it over with them and express how proud you are of their involvement and accomplishments. • Say to kids, “I’m so proud of you today. You studied so hard and aced the Social Studies test.” “Thank you for cutting the lawn. I appreciate it very much that your dad didn’t have to do it after work.” Appreciation like this motivates children to do their best and will also help them try harder when they know you appreciate all their hard work. These are my favorite motivation techniques for my kids that really work:

These are my favorite motivation techniques for my students that really work:

Many times long-term assignments and projects can be put off too long and can end up being overwhelming and frustrating. When kids feel that the work assigned is too hard or impossible, they won’t be eager to even try without some intervention from you or others. Assist them, also, to develop a realistic attitude about time. Research shows that unmotivated children tend not to be concerned with a timeline. They question, “Why are we learning this?” “Will we ever use what we’re learning in real life?” Motivated students

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know that what they are doing today can and will affect their future. They are willing to work hard now to enjoy future success. Show kids how to break big homework assignments into smaller, achievable tasks. If they have a big report due for science class try this: “Surf the net and gather as much information as you can. Then set aside some time each day to read and takes notes on what you think is important and interesting about the subject. Then I’ll help you develop an outline before you begin your 1st draft. After you correct and revise your report, I’ll look it over again and give you some suggestions; then you’ll be ready to finalize your report.” I used this method when stress was mounting for my son and my students. It gave them just the right amount of assistance and relieved the sense of being overwhelmed. They worked on and completed the assigned work independently with only a little structure and some encouragement from me in the days that followed. This strategy makes a real difference in completing larger, long-term school assignments by greatly reducing stress on these occasions. These are some of the interventions I use to get my kids motivated about school work:

These are some of the interventions I use to get my students motivated about school work:

Tips on How to Motivate Unmotivated Adolescents 1. Talk to older kids and share a long-range goal of yours. Whatever their personal goals, assist them in setting up a plan for achieving them. As they get more comfortable with drafting short-term action plans for their goals, ask them to share a long-range goal with you and how they plan to achieve it. You may be surprised at what you find out. 2. Encourage children to take part in an after-school sport. Many experts feel that kids who see themselves as successful on the playing field also feel motivated to be a success in the classroom. When employing this strategy, discuss with parents the importance of permitting their kids to pick a sport that interests them rather than one that interests their parents! Regarding sports, remind parents to help kids practice hard when they are in training, and praise what they did well and ignore the rest during a game. 3. Encourage kids’ creativity. Even a little practice with creative problem solving and shared decision making will help them see difficult tasks as stimulating challenges and not as overwhelming obstacles.

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4. For any task that may cause children to be bored or unfocused, try to play Beat the Clock. Give them a reasonable time limit to complete the job. Get input from the kids as to how much time they need to complete the task or project. Then set a timer and encourage them to see if they can finish the job before the bell rings. Be sure to praise them for their job well done. Kids think this strategy is an especially fun way to complete assignments. 5. When kids feel like losers, point out something of which they can be proud. If their team lost the game, point out that they had several hits. If they get a lower grade on a spelling test than they had expected, compliment them for the difficult words they did spell correctly, and that their handwriting was so neat and legible. You have in your repertoire of neat strategies the ability to help get kids excited about things both large and small. That excitement can turn into motivation that will last far into their wonderful future! These are some unconventional strategies that worked to boost my kids’ motivation:

These are some unconventional strategies that worked to boost my students’ motivation:

Behavior Management Considerations for Older Children When you discipline older kids, it can be especially challenging. Kids at this age are caught between childhood and adulthood. They are expected to act more maturely, but they still may be treated like young children. They too are likely to get into trouble as they seek greater independence. The tough part here is that you must decide what rules are in their best interest as they are growing and maturing. When considering behavior management with older kids, • establish clear, fair rules and be consistent about enforcing them. • discuss any problems or intended consequences first. Explain why you’re upset and listen, really listen, to their side of the story. • permit yourself to utilize taking away privileges or imposing consequences as tools to teach self-control and responsibility. Make the consequences meaningful and appropriate to the offense.

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• be in control, deny a privilege, or limit certain freedoms in a calm and responsible manner. Rewards that are tangible lose their value over time but intangible ones illicit long-term behavior. Remember, rewards coupled with your praise and appreciation are real motivators for desired behaviors to be repeated. • give kids space to be by just being there for them. Pay attention to your inner state rather than being preoccupied with what they are doing. Change happens to kids when you change. • become aware of ego patterns in yourself, your children, and your students. • avoid being judgmental. • have compassion for the child and forgive past hurts. Children are very hard for grown-ups to deal with sometimes! Kids’ ability to make you feel frustrated or guilty is sometimes so hard to bear. It is a fact that for most educators today, behavior management issues are not very easy on their stress levels. A recent Child magazine online survey revealed that a major gap exists between what adults want to do and what they exactly do in managing behavior with kids. The survey also revealed that about half of the adults who answered the survey found the same kinds of behavior very upsetting to them: disobeying, acting rude, whining, and throwing temper tantrums. Even though you feel you are just as effective as other educators, if not more so, the fact is, there are lots of times when you’re disappointed in your own behavior. Most adults are less upset by children’s behavior than by their own. The single most difficult challenge that educators face daily in their dealings with kids’ inappropriate behavior is not losing their temper, but that their discipline styles were not always thoughtful and consistent. In response to some kids’ behavior, many educators feel frustrated and angry. In general, what emerges from the statistics of the Child online survey is a picture of severe stress! For some educators, life is a tightrope strung between work and home; for others the conflict may involve the tensions of a blended family or perhaps a class from hell. Everybody’s circumstances are different, but what is evident is a shared sense of wanting some slack to allow for the unexpected. The discipline that produces the best results is the kind that asks kids not just for order but for cooperation, not so much for submission as for sensitivity to other people’s feelings. In the long run, they will benefit most when they learn to think for themselves, and how their behavior is affecting them and others. If you ask the right questions, kids usually find their own answers to problems. If you want to give children a real gift that will keep on giving for

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a lifetime, teach them to think, cultivate problem-solving skills, and decisionmaking strategies. Myra Share, PhD, author of Raising a Thinking Child, encourages adults to think in a new way about teaching children to become responsible problem solvers. Problem solving is a teachable skill, but first, you must teach yourself to expect more from kids. You must believe that they know the answers or can think their way through to the solutions for challenges. Older kids have an amazing sense of right and wrong and what’s fair, and they can recognize other people’s feelings. It isn’t always necessary to tell them everything. It can be more productive and less nerve-racking for you to lead them to their own conclusions by asking them thought provoking questions: “What would you do if you didn’t get a part in the school play?” or “If your friends were talking behind another kid’s back, how would you react?” In the case of kids who waste a lot of time starting their school or homework, instead of telling them to hurry up and get started, try asking what needs to be done at this point to complete the work. Most of the time, kids know exactly what must be done and will be more cooperative in completing it if they define the steps to be done, and in what order, instead of being told what to do and when. If there’s a disagreement between friends, use questions to help kids realize the full scope of the problem. Help them figure out how the other boy or girl may be feeling as the result of the problem and what can be done to solve it with respect for the feelings of all concerned. These practical strategies can help change undesired behaviors. Eventually, with some practice and patience, kids will realize that solving their own problems or finding a compromise will give them more time to have fun! These are some of the strategies I use with my kids to get them to feel good about themselves:

These are some strategies I use with my students to get them to feel good about themselves:

These are some ideas that worked for my kids in social situations/sports:

These are some ideas that worked for my students in social situations/sports:

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Using Rewards with Older Kids You certainly want to encourage behavior that is appropriate and to discourage those inappropriate things you really wish they wouldn’t do. Research shows that rewards, pleasant consequences, are more effective behavior changers than punishment, unpleasant consequences. It takes very careful thoughts and actions to effectively use rewards with older kids. A most important consideration is not only the type of reward but also how it is used that determines how effective it will be for them. Rewards can be either tangible or intangible. Tangible rewards include favorite foods, parties, special gifts, or money. In school, tangible rewards could include an excellent grade on a research paper, a homework award pass, or passing a calculus with honors. Intangible rewards are also quite effective. Praise at home and school has been shown to be one of the most powerful and long-lasting rewards for kids of all ages. Other strong motivators are quality one-on-one time with a parent or teacher, or a lighter homework schedule. Even when you just show consistent interest in completed work or good grades on tests which are very effective intangible rewards, they are sometimes overlooked for their significance. Rewards should be appropriate and proportionate to the good behavior displayed. Guidelines for Effective Rewards • Reward occasionally. Rewards work best when kids don’t anticipate them. • Reward extra effort. This type of reward becomes motivation for them to continue to do more than what is expected. • Reward immediately. Kids won’t be as motivated to complete a project or produce desired behaviors if they have to wait a long period of time for the reward. Delaying the gratification often diminishes its effect, especially with younger children. • Reward effort, not just performance. Reward kids while they are studying to improve grades, rather than waiting for the test grades. When offering a reward, combine it with a smile or a handshake; this will increase the reward’s value. • Permit kids to select the reward. Not every reward works as well for every child. Let kids have a say in what things really matter to them. This ensures that the reward is most effective and age appropriate for each individual child. Above all, never use a reward as a bribe. If children perform appropriately in order to receive a reward, then no self-growth will be the outcome. Once

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the reward is not available, they will have no interest in the task. Beware of giving a reward for the reward’s sake. Teaching the overall value of good behavior with rewards, as well as modeling it yourself, is necessary for kids’ long-term behavior to change for the better. • • • • •

Keep the lines of communication open. Make expectations, limits, and rules clear. Understand their need to spend time with friends. Help build a sense of self-confidence in them. Be firm but flexible when necessary.

Remember always, you play a most important role in children’s success stories both at home and at school and for their bright and promising future! These rewards worked in keeping my kids motivated and on track at home:

These rewards were effective in keeping my students motivated and on track in school:

Rescue Stressed Out Kids Balance is the key. What children need are positive relationships. Focus more on building meaningful interactions with kids. Children are under more stress than ever. The list of “things to do” and “stars to reach” grows longer. The tension that they experience when faced with a new, unpleasant, or threatening situation is real. What can you as an educator do about it? Setting up open communication lines between you and them will be their saving grace. What really works when relieving the stress kids feel about school, homework, or extracurricular achievements? Often, little things add up and can have a big impact on how children feel. Things like forgetting to study for a unit test, losing homework, not understanding the concepts of a new math chapter, and getting no hits in a baseball game or no goals in a hockey tournament may seem like small things to you, but they are very important to them. When many things combine, they form what seems like a mountain of problems that’s just too big for kids to climb. Learning to take on challenges step-by-step can help kids cope with and manage stress. With your guidance, they can learn to handle the stress they feel in their daily lives so that they feel refreshed instead of upset, in control

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instead of worried, calm instead of nervous, and content instead of anxious. Stress drains vital energy from emotional well-being and may make children cross, edgy, and irritable. The level of stress in the lives of children can affect the way they think and feel about themselves, others, and the world in general. Above all, stress can zap the energy they need to fully participate in school and extracurricular activities. It is so important that children have downtime, also. So many of my students come into school exhausted because by the time they get home from their after-school activities and finish their homework, they have no time to process their day or their accomplishments. They can’t even possibly consider improvements, and they don’t have the energy to think about tomorrow because tomorrow the process begins all over again. It is not hard to imagine that when a small glitch in their day occurs, their regular coping mechanisms are just not effective. That’s when children end up frustrated and overwhelmed. Take a minute to evaluate your family and school environment to see if they are conducive to positive energy and some enjoyment for kids. It will help you as much as it will help them to schedule some downtime on a regularly scheduled basis. Daily schedules tend to fill up and leave little time for opportunities for leisure, but these moments are so important for both of you. One good way that you can help kids debrief and process the events of the day is through discussion at the dinner table or at the end of each day. Light conversation at the completion of a busy school day or little chats before bedtime may be just what they need to unwind. Children have their own preferences of times for this debriefing. Look for times that are opportune for them to “open up” and really talk to you. If you pay close attention, you will see a pattern. Don’t overlook these times as a chance to “tune in” to kids. Just talking about what troubles them is validation and will help relieve the stressors in their lives. When my son was young, he usually did not discuss important matters with me during the day, but at bedtime he often wanted to talk about things that were important to him. I looked forward to these quiet times and the heartfelt conversations that we had then. These are the things that I do with my kids to help relieve stress in their lives:

These are the things I share that I do with my students to help relieve stress in their lives:

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Give Kids Space to Just Be It is important to give kids space—room to be. Your idea that you always have to know what’s best for them may have been true when they were little, but it becomes less true as they grow older. They will make mistakes. It’s a fact of life. These mistakes, as you see them, may not be mistakes at all for them. They may be exactly what they need to experience to learn and grow. This is how kids develop, make progress, and succeed on their own authentic journeys. The lessons they learn along the way compel them to go deeper and advance in life’s purpose. Guide children to grasp these needed lessons. At times, it is hard for me to give my kids space to just be because:

At times, it is hard for me to give my students space to just be because:

At times, it is getting easier for me to give kids space because:

If you suspect children are sometimes overly stressed, read through the following behaviors. If the majority of your answers are yes, identify and eliminate the sources of the stressors in kids’ lives. Keep in mind that finding effective ways and times to communicate with children will alert you to potential problems. These strategies may well be what will prevent future crises in their lives. Help them to secure some quiet time and laid-back opportunities in their busy, demanding schedules. During the past few weeks, has the child • • • • • • • •

made consistent negative statements about school or refused to go? been reluctant to attend extracurricular activities? rarely smiled or laughed? acted excessively defiant? often said, “I don’t care”? been overly sensitive even to mild criticism? been fighting a lot with friends or siblings? seemed hyperactive—restless, wandering around, can’t settle, unable to concentrate? • been grinding teeth while sleeping? • craved foods with sugar, salt, or caffeine? • had difficulty expressing feelings, keeping them bottled up?

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• had nightmares? • sought out TV programs containing violence? If, after interventions to reduce children’s stress levels, problems still are evident, it’s time to seek professional help. Discuss what’s going on at home and school with your children or students. Discuss interventions with parents and other school professionals if need be. By all means, follow any suggestions to help get things back on track for kids. After many interventions that didn’t work, I will seek these support systems to help me get my kids back on track:

After many interventions that didn’t work, I will seek these support systems to help me get my students back on track:

Physical Signs of Stress • • • • • •

nail biting muscle tension headaches lack of motivation nervousness weight gain/loss

Psychological Signs of Stress • • • •

changes in eating and sleeping mood changes sustained anger or sadness confusion

Some Tips to Help Children Manage Stress If children appear stressed, make sure they • eat right. • get enough sleep. • manage time wisely with a schedule.

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• take breaks often. • discuss problems as they arise. • monitor and adjust short-term goals. These are some things I can do immediately to help relieve stressed-out kids:

Deep Breathing Stress Buster: A Quick Method • Relax your arms. • Close your eyes and take a deep breath and exhale. • Concentrate on your breathing—think pleasant thoughts. Learn to Control Stressful Situations • Help kids be aware of stressful situations and acknowledge them. • Together with the children, form a personal action plan to reduce the causes of harmful stress. • Find a stress buster that kids enjoy and encourage them to stick with it. Keep your preferences to yourself. If you think kids are overscheduled, there are several things you can do. • • • •

Conduct an informal assessment of their daily activities. Watch for the signs that could indicate stress. Observe what occurs after a structured activity. Talk with kids about their feelings during the activity.

Doing homework is sometimes a stressful situation. Share with parents how they can adapt their home’s physical environment to reduce homework stress: • Choose an appropriate place. Where homework will be done (desk in the child’s room, at the kitchen table, quiet corner in the family room) is as important to its successful completion as the academic skills needed. A designated homework area provides the framework for an environment that will reduce poor organizational habits and procrastination. • Gain consensus. All family members must first come to an agreement on the value of homework. Set a certain place and time for assignments to be done without distractions (pets, video games, television, and friends). Gaining this consensus establishes an atmosphere conducive to sustained effort.

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• Develop a routine. Consistency is a vital element in learning processes, especially for children who need structure. A set homework time helps in establishing the value of homework by putting it on your regular schedule and sticking to it. This customary schedule over time becomes a habit—“just the way we do things around here”—and is not questioned or argued about. • Create a homework checklist. Frustration, annoyance, boredom, confusion, and even anger are the many negative emotions that you as well as your children express when it comes to homework. Most of us did not like homework when we were kids and probably don’t like it any better as adults. The sooner we adjust our attitude and the homework environment the closer kids come to school work satisfaction. So, design a homework checklist or poster that is easily accessible and in clear view in the designated “homework place.” Answers to the following questions will give a quick review as to the quality and the thoroughness of homework assignments. Refer to it before, during, and after an assignment is complete: Is your name on the paper? Did you follow all the directions? Is your work neat and your handwriting readable? Does each sentence begin with a capital letter? Do other important words need capital letters? Does each sentence end with the correct punctuation? Is each word spelled correctly? Is each sentence a complete thought? • Put up a DO NOT DISTURB sign. Kids can decorate it as they wish. Hang it up in a prominent spot where all can see. This visual cue emphasizes the seriousness and importance of the task at hand. • Supply a Homework Survival Kit. Fill the kit with desk supplies. Have it in the “homework place” ready and waiting at your children’s fingertips. These strategies may seem a bit cumbersome at first, or perhaps a bit over simplified for use with older kids. The great part is that these somewhat mundane homework stress busters do really work, no matter what age kids are! Yes, it will take some extra time at first, but very soon, these strategies will become second nature and part of the learning process that kids will come to rely on. How quickly you’ll see results. In just a few homework sessions every week, you’ll power up children’s potential, sharpen their skills, and help them stay ahead of the homework game. Homework may even turn into a pleasant situation with these effective and efficient strategies!

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These are some actions plans that will help relieve stress in my kids’ lives:

These are some action plans that will help relieve stress in my students’ lives:

I have learned this by my experiment: that if one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams, and endeavors to live the life which he has imagined, he will meet with a success unexpected in common hours. —Henry David Thoreau

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Life Lesson 10 Celebrate Life: Enjoy an Authentic Lifestyle

Just trust yourself, then you will know how to live. —Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

M

ANY EDUCATORS LIVE THEIR ENTIRE LIVES never knowing who they really are. They never know the person they were meant to be and never develop themselves to their greatest potential. As you know from the ups and downs of your own unique journey, getting to know your authentic self is much easier said than done. It takes time and effort to unlearn old habits. The time has come for you to claim your birthright and live life to your fullest potential. Do you ever wonder why society dictates the importance of living in a certain way, with the biggest and the best of everything? To really live your best life, you need to break away from this kind of pressure. You must seek to create your own thoughts and fulfill your needs. Then, and only then, are you truly being authentic. When you live an authentic life, you are living a lifestyle that resonates with satisfaction and fulfillment. Living authentically, you free yourself of destructive habits and relationships. You gain the strength to let go of any manipulation, power plays, and negativity. You find that your life is being elevated to a higher level. You center your thoughts, words, and actions on positive outcomes. You are open to make the necessary changes in your life. You have no fear of truth in your life and are better able to deal with worry, fear, anxiety, and regret. You truly are not a human being having a spiritual experience but a spiritual being having a human experience. You are now beginning to understand

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what that means in your life. Embrace your authenticity, live it, and share it with those you love. You truly are on a wondrous journey into yourself that will lead you to incredible experiences. I know I am living my authentic life when:

Celebrate Your Life Life Lesson 10 challenges you to embrace and celebrate your true self and authentic lifestyle. If your children or the kids in your class are not A+ students, the most popular, or the best players on their sports’ team, that’s okay! It’s much more important in the whole scheme of things that kids find something in which they are interested and competent and that they really enjoy. Like you, they each need to know their authentic selves and to be true to who they are. Many adults assume that superior intelligence or some type of super ability is a key to children’s success in life. More than three decades of research show that an overemphasis on intellect or talent, and the implication that these traits are innate and fixed, leaves children vulnerable to failure, anxious, fearful of challenges, and unmotivated to learn new things. When kids focus on effort, rather than on intelligence or talent, it predisposes them to be high achievers throughout life. You can engender a positive growth mind-set in kids by encouraging and praising them for their effort and perseverance, rather than for their intelligence. Telling success stories that emphasize hard work and love of learning will help establish a healthy outlook on life for them. Children will focus upon challenges that may come along as energizing rather than intimidating. They’ll realize that these are opportunities for learning and enjoying a rejuvenating, unique life journey. Carving out “pockets” of quiet and calm in children’s busy lives can be beneficial and energizing for them, especially when their physical and mental energy is depleted due to the demands of school, sports, and other leisure activities. As the meditative process is being more accepted as a viable strategy for mainstream adults, it is slowly making its way into schools and programs for children across the country. Parents’ and teachers’ anecdotal reports of its success contend that the meditative process can calm kids down, level out their moods, and help them focus. Researchers are beginning to study groups of meditating children to determine how meditation might affect a developing brain. Most of the in-school programs currently draw on parents’ and teachers’ personal experiences, rather than scientific research reports.

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Children are living an authentic life when:

Meditation for Kids “Not a day goes by that I don’t get a request from somebody wanting to teach meditation to children or study its effects,” notes Susan Kaiser Greenland, founder and executive director of Inner Kids Foundation in Los Angeles. The organization teaches “mindful” meditation in schools and supports research on the topic. It has cooperated with UCLA researchers studying the effects of meditation on pain, mood, and attention in children. Meditation for kids is designed to help them slow down in a world of hurried activity and overscheduled days. These practices may include seated meditation that is brief, games and activities that replace books or lectures to teach increased awareness of the present, and clearing of the mind, breathing exercises, or quiet nature walks. Another benefit for kids who practice meditation is controlling their emotions before tests and sporting events. A more serene feeling can come over kids before a big test. This frame of reference is voiced in the words “I’ll take the time to clear my mind,” rather than the old adage “I must cram for the unit test tonight!” Living in a world where everything moves so fast, taking the time to talk with kids about slowing down and getting them to know their authentic selves is a noble purpose for both parents and teachers. Randy Semple, a research scientist at the New York State Psychiatric Institute, taught deep breathing methods and mindfulness exercises to children. He notes that these practices helped a group of nine- to twelveyear-olds to stop making snap judgments, be less anxious and depressed, and be more able to focus. Researchers agree that we are at the beginning of understanding whether meditation can affect a child’s brain and body— and if so, then how? Still many parents and educators are being convinced daily of its benefits. For information on the use and benefits of meditation with children, you may refer to Teaching Meditation to Children by David Fontana and Ingrid Slack. This is how I share meditation practice with my children:

This is how I share meditation practice with my students:

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Authenticity in Children When children’s interests are captured, they work hard to develop their skills, and what’s more important, they possess a “stick with it” attitude. My brother Mike, as a young boy, was very interested in car racing. He knew all the names of the top auto racers in their respective racing classes. He read books about racing and faithfully followed the race car drivers’ statistics. In relation to this interest in car racing, he was showing some enterprise—very much so, to my mother’s dismay. One summer day the lawn needed to be cut, but she couldn’t complete the job with our lawnmower! Earlier that day, Mike removed its motor to power his newly constructed go-cart! Mike was also enthusiastic about firefighting. One day we were on our way to an appointment but were delayed a few minutes because we followed a fire truck on its way to a fire. My brother was very disappointed when we and the firemen got to the destination. It was a false alarm! My brother has since moved on to a successful executive business position and is still passionate about auto racing, having collected a lot of trophies for his “wins.” He still has an interest in firefighting, also. In addition to his corporate job, he is now a volunteer fireman and a licensed emergency medical technician. Let kids be kids, developing and enjoying their God-given talents, unique abilities, and interests. They will be successes in their own right. Just give them space to be and room to grow into the unique individuals that they were meant to be. I believe a valid reason to be concerned is if kids aren’t engaged in any constructive activities. When children see examples around them of people engaging in wholesome, enjoyable experiences, this is the best teaching method they could possibly have. Even though some activities chosen by kids wouldn’t be number one on your list of things to do, children are personally learning about who they are as individuals and in their own way connecting with the world. Each child is unique and special in some way. Help kids on their personal journey to cultivate activities that bring them joy and are best suited to them. You are the anchor for their universe. Your kids and students need your love and support to know and appreciate their authentic selves and stay on a rewarding path on their life journey. These are my children’s interests and how my children are developing them with my support:

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These are my students’ interests and how my students are developing them with my support:

A Note About Downtime Baseball teams, soccer leagues, tutoring, dance classes, horseback riding, homework, and so on and so on. The lives of kids today are as overscheduled as yours! Sometimes it is a good idea to schedule “unscheduled” time for them. Remember, you are trying to strive for balance in your life. Do the same for kids. These unscheduled “doing nothing” times are actually when most kids do their best thinking and when creativity comes into play. Consider these questions: Are all the enrichment, private, and team activities good for overscheduled kids? Do children really want and enjoy these particular activities, or are they the interests that you or the parents would have liked to have been involved in during the growing-up years? Be honest. If need be, assess what’s behind the adults’ motivation concerning kids’ extracurricular activities. Work with parents to develop a plan of action to further develop their kids’ unique talents. Remind them to keep their personal preferences out of the mix. If children’s lives are overscheduled, and if downtime cannot be included during the school year, counsel parents to consider the summertime and holidays for a chance to include it and embark on a new lifestyle direction with their kids then. Suggest that parents encourage their kids to just go out and play! Parents will be surprised to see what happens. Give children a chance to be left to their own devices. Kids usually can manage their own free time and do it well. Parents will be delightfully surprised at their kids’ creativity and ingenuity. It’s probably a change that both the parents and kids will cherish; they will probably thank you for the suggestion and include more free time in their future schedule. These are some examples of unscheduled time in my kids’ lives:

These are some examples of unscheduled time that my students enjoy in class:

Living Authentically Giving children a break from organized activities and electronic babysitters could very well mean that they will be bored—at first! Child development

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experts say that when deprived of anything else to do, children will find a way to amuse themselves, even if it means simply daydreaming. That’s exactly the point: letting youngsters use their own creativity to fill some of their time. In the process, they will be giving their mental, emotional, and social skills a workout. Empty, unplanned hours teach them how to create their own happiness. Children need adults in their lives who understand the relationship between boredom and creativity, and are willing to set the stage so that they can create and play freely. You might provide materials: magic markers, colored pencils, dry erase board, pens, buttons, colored paper, craft scissors, clay, and even gentle suggestions if necessary. One thing you need to remember, however, is that your role isn’t one of camp director. Constructively bored kids eventually turn to a book or a game, build a town with Legos, or perhaps enjoy a pick-up game of baseball or street hockey in the neighborhood or on the playground. They may need some guidance in the beginning stages of their downtime free plays to be more open to possibilities and become very creative. Kids, left to their own ingenuity, will never cease to amaze you with their insight and productivity. Greatness comes in the present, the now! Most of today’s educator’s learned the benefits of creative play as children. Left to your own amusements, you probably found resources that you didn’t know you had before you started to explore the possibilities. You learned valuable lessons from your creative play, but the busy overscheduled kids today may not have the chance to learn these lessons if they don’t have opportunities to do so. Inventiveness and self-reliance are being scheduled right out of them. Child development specialists acknowledge that finding time for unstructured play isn’t always easy. It’s particularly difficult for single parents and for families that live in rough neighborhoods where playing outside isn’t the first option. The benefits of unstructured play are so great that I encourage you to share with parents the importance of finding at least an hour a week of it for their kids. My kids show their creativity when they

My students show their creativity when they

Stimulate Kids Free Play Limit Television This is the most important recommendation, most experts say, and they admit that it’s probably the most difficult, both for the children who will

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pout, and for their parents who use TV as an electronic babysitter to give themselves a breather. Studies have shown that children watch an average of thirty-eight hours of television a week. Cutting back can free a good-sized chunk of time for unstructured, interesting, creative playtime. Limit Other “Screen” Time Many children spend hours each day with computers, video games, or watching movies, cartoons, or TV shows with violence. Set a daily time limit for kids to be “unplugged” and left to their own creative ingenuity. Watch what happens. You’ll be pleasantly surprised! When kids are “unplugged,” they recognize their own creative genius when they:

Choose Toys Carefully Increasing unstructured playtime doesn’t require a big investment in new toys. Some basic art supplies, library books, and objects collected from nature—leaves, pinecones, acorns, stones, or rocks—can keep kids busy for quite some time. The value of a toy is proportional to the degree that it invites imagination and creativity. Consider the story of two girls: Jean and Joan were comparing notes about their dolls. Jean had an electronically enhanced doll and boasted, “My doll can say one thousand words!” Joan quickly held up her old-fashioned doll and replied, “My doll can say anything I want her to say.” These are the things my kids use to invite imagination and creativity at home:

These are the things my students use to invite imagination and creativity in the classroom:

Send Kids Outside to Play Playing outside promotes more running, which helps kids sleep better at night and helps battle an overweight problem. Make sure kids are going outside for recess during school time. Like adults, children need a break from their work. A study done on fourth graders found that if you compare, at the same time of the day, those who have had recess and those who have not had recess, the children who hadn’t had recess yet were more fidgety and spent less time on task for their classroom activities.

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Spend Some Time Watching Children Play It is not necessary for you to join in children’s play. You can partake in their creative activities but be careful not to “take over.” A highly successful strategy is to be involved in spending time with them doing whatever they choose to do. During this “special time,” they may make the decisions, control the flow of the play, and assign roles. It’s unstructured playtime for them, and you get to participate. Designing some special time with kids almost forces you to slow down. It promotes the chance to alter the rhythm of your daily lives in order to make quality time for each other. Given your other obligations and the length of your to-do lists, it is all too easy to forget the good stuff—namely, how much you actually like your own kids or students for who they uniquely are as people. You will come to realize how much you enjoy their company, and how important it is for you to connect with them and have fun together on a regular basis. When I take the time to watch my kids in free play, these are the things I learn:

When I take the time to watch my students in free play, these are the things I learn:

How Are Children Smart? Every child is special in some way. Intelligence is not a single-dimensional, unchanging, easily measurable quality. Educators don’t always look at enough variables in determining exactly what children need, and exactly how they are unique. The IQ (intelligence quotient) score used by school psychologists measures only two variables of intelligence: verbal and mathematical. However, there are eight types of intelligence identified by researcher and psychologist Dr. Howard Gardner, Hobbs Professor of Cognition and Education, Harvard Graduate School of Education. The essence of Gardner’s Theory of Multiple Intelligences (MI Theory) is to respect the many differences among children, the multiple variations in the ways that they learn and are assessed, and the numerous ways in which they can leave their mark on the world. In his theory, Gardner sought to broaden the scope of human potential beyond the confines of the standard IQ score given in school today. He suggested that intelligence has more to do with the

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capacity for solving problems and creating products and services in a contextrich and naturalistic setting. Key Points of the MI Theory 1. Children possess all eight intelligences. 2. Most children can develop each of the eight intelligences to adequate levels. 3. Intelligences usually work together. 4. There are many ways to be intelligent within each category. MI Theory emphasizes the rich diversity of ways in which kids show their gifts within and between intelligences. What about the other six types of intelligence that are not being tested? According to Dr. Gardner, individuals don’t have one fixed area of intelligence but at least eight distinct ones that can be developed over time. These eight kinds of intelligence are listed here, along with some activities you can give kids to stimulate each type. 1. Verbal/Linguistic—the ability that involves ease with reading and writing skills. Play word games or language-oriented ones: Scrabble, Spill and Spell, or crossword puzzles. Choose your favorite story, movie, or TV program. Write a sequel or tell what you think will happen in the next episode or in next year’s series. 2. Mathematical—the ability to reason deductively or inductively and to recognize and manipulate abstract patterns and relationships. Select a project requiring you to follow directions: assemble a model airplane, follow a recipe, program a DVD player. 3. Spatial—the ability to visualize shapes in three dimensions. Express and share your ideas, opinions, and feelings with different media: magic markers, oil paints, play dough, or glitter pens. Plan a scavenger hunt with friends. Draw a secret map for all players with many details and the location of the treasure. 4. Interpersonal/Introspective—the ability to understand oneself; being aware of inner feelings, intentions, and goals. Keep a journal and record key events from your day. Express your feelings about the events. Reflect on them, also. Evaluate your thinking strategies and patterns that you use in different situations. Develop alternate plans for any given situation. 5. Interpersonal/Social—the ability to get along well with others and to work with them effectively. Try to guess what others are thinking and feeling. Experiment with supposing an individual’s profession,

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background, or talents just by observing nonverbal cues: dress, accent, gestures, or props. 6. Bodily/Kinesthetic—the ability that involves the body to solve problems, produce products, convey ideas and emotions. Express your mood by various activities: dance, jog, walk, gymnastics, or pantomime. Try role playing to express an idea, opinion, or feeling. Design a game of charades. 7. Musical—the ability to be sensitive to rhythm, pitch of sounds, and responsiveness to music. Experiment with expressing feelings of a relationship in a favorite song of yours. Listen to and learn from the sounds and rhythms of the environment: rain on a window, an air conditioner, traffic, windshield wipers in the rain. Write your own musical score. 8. Naturalist—the ability to demonstrate expertise in recognition and classification of numerous species: the flora and fauna of the environment. Research topics of great interest to naturalists—clouds, mountains, volcanoes, whales, plants, and flowers. These are the ways my kids are smart:

These are the ways my students are smart:

According to Dr. Gardner, each of these eight intelligences has a specific set of abilities that can be observed and measured. More recently he has nominated three additional candidate intelligences: Spiritual, Existential, and Moral. Gardener later excluded Spiritual Intelligence due to what he perceived as the inability to codify criteria comparable to the other intelligences. Existential Intelligence, the capacity to raise and reflect on philosophical questions about life, death, and ultimate realities, meets most of the criteria with the exception of identifiable areas of the brain that specialize for this faculty. Moral capacities were also excluded because they are normative rather than descriptive. Moreover, Gardner is considering the idea of a Digital Intelligence, the innate ability to learn through computers or television. Still, he believes this type of intelligence can still be categorized under Logical/Mathematical, which has to do with technology to some extent (see table 10.1). When thinking of children’s intelligences according to Dr. Gardner, the question should not be “How smart are children?” but “How are children smart?” Gardner’s ideas focus on the fact that these types of intelligences can

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Reading, writing, telling stories, memorizing dates Math, reasoning, logic, problem solving, patterns

Reading, maps, charts, drawing, puzzles, visualization Understanding self, recognizing strengths and weaknesses, setting goals Understanding people, leading, organizing, communicating, resolving conflicts Athletics, dancing, acting, crafts, using tools, sculpture

Verbal/Linguistic

Logical/ Mathematical

Visual/Spatial

Distinguishing among members of species and charting out these relationships

Naturalist

Categorize and classify things, develop mapping skills, backpack, hike, have animals around

Singing, performing, Sing, hum, play remembering melodies, instrument, listen to rhythms music, rap

Play sports, dance, move around, touch and talk, use body language

Have friends, talk to people, join groups, share

Work alone, reflect, pursue interests, set goals

Brainstorm, read, write, tell stories, talk, memorize, keep a journal Solve problems, question, reason, work with numbers, experiment, use computers Design, draw, build, create, daydream, look at pictures

Likes To

Musical/Rhythmic

Bodily/Kinesthetic

Interpersonal/Social

Intrapersonal/ Introspective

Strong In

Intelligence

Observing, collecting, and comparing things in nature

Touching, moving, processing knowledge through bodily sensations Rhythm, melody, singing, listening to music and melodies

Sharing, comparing, relating, interviewing, cooperating

Working with pictures and colors, visualizing, drawing Working alone, working on self-paced projects, reflecting

Reading, hearing, and seeing words; speaking, writing, discussing Working with patterns and relationships, classifying, thinking abstractly

Learns Best

TABLE 10.1 [ Multiple Intelligence (MI) Theory Chart

Fidgeting, wandering around the room

Talking, passing notes

Conflicting with others

Doodling, drawing, daydreaming

Working on math or working on lessons

Passing notes, reading during lessons

Misbehaviors

Stevie Wonder, Tapping pencil or feet Leonard Bernstein, Mozart, Ella Fitzgerald Charlie Darwin, Boredom with Jane Goodal, conventional classroom E. O. Wilson activities

Nelson Mandela, Ronald Reagan, Gandhi, Mother Teresa Charlie Chaplin, Michael Jordan, Martha Graham, Auguste Rodin

Pablo Picasso, Frank Lloyd Wright, Georgia O’Keefe Eleanor Roosevelt, Sigmund Freud, Thomas Merton, Buddha

Martin Luther King, T. S. Elliot, Maya Angelou, Abraham Lincoln Blaise Pascal, Albert Einstein, John Dewey, Madame Curie

High-End States

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be developed and nurtured. His premise is not meant to be a way of pigeonholing children into set categories. To develop these intelligences, both parents and teachers need to perceive children as having a combination of these intelligences and as being capable of growth in all areas. You must never lose sight of the fact that kids, no matter how they are special, must have an environment where they can thrive and succeed. Children’s intelligences must be nurtured by you, as an educator. Just as students must be taught the alphabet, how to make words, and how to read and write, they must also be taught such things as how to use an active imagination, how to do a graphic presentation, and how to see relationships between different objects in space. Give kids the opportunities and support needed to exercise and practice using all of their types of intelligence. You know that there’s much more to life than school. You know that success in life doesn’t always rely on grade point averages. Some children have trouble seeing beyond what’s happening now in school. You can help them gain perspective in their lives and even a little self-esteem boost by guiding them toward those activities that play to their strengths and offer added opportunities for success in their lives. Don’t forget, you know your kids and students better than almost anyone else. You understand their strengths, weaknesses, and interests. Use this information when helping them choose an area of study or extracurricular activities. Another significant point to consider: sometimes you will want kids to bypass what all the other kids in the classroom or neighborhood are doing in favor of something more suited for that child’s own unique needs, gifts, and talents. As you learn more about their strengths and weaknesses, guide them to channel their own natural abilities in directions and activities that they truly enjoy and are enthusiastic about. The next generation offers unlimited possibilities and inconceivable advances. The future not only lies in technology and medical advances, but in your children themselves, personally nurtured and guided by you as you show them the way to help shape their future with satisfaction and confidence. You need to believe in yourself and in your children! Then you must provide them with the love, encouragement, and opportunities that reinforce their good self-concept and competence. This is your gift of love and presence to them for all time. Appreciate how uniquely special your children are in this moment of time! I believe in myself when

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I believe in my kids when

I believe in my students when

Afterthoughts Your guided journey is coming to an end, but it’s not the end of your positive learning and teaching odyssey toward your best life. It’s really only the beginning for you on your own self-determining journey with all the insights you’ve gained and experienced along the way. When you sense yourself wavering on your path to positive living, refer to the Life Lessons of this great adventure often. They will keep you motivated and on track. They will encourage and sanction you in your ongoing process of change, not only for you, but also for your children and students. Your work as a positive, motivated individual and educator never ends, and the priceless rewards for you and for kids will have no end either. You will be challenged, over and over again, by your children, students, and life situation, but you will be blessed along the way. You will continue to have new successes with each stage of growth. You will enjoy the confidence that you have worked so hard to attain. When you need a little encouragement, now and again, refer back to the strategies set out in part 1 for further validation in awakening to your inner focus—knowing your authentic self and remaining true to your essence. Refer to part 2 to foster and strengthen positive relationships with kids on their own unique journeys. Express the value of learning and evolving to others, not only in what you say and do, but in how you do it all. Express your belief in lifelong learning as the best means to self-improvement. Seeing and hearing you involved in nurturing and guiding young ones’ minds, hearts, and spirits on their own unique journeys will speak volumes to others without words. They can hardly miss the message—I am important! I am unique! I am loved for who I am! The best is yet to come! As you continue and persevere on your personal journey of aligning your mind, heart, and spirit, you will experience the enjoyment and enthusiasm that comes from your sustained commitment. In addition to being one of the most important influences in the life of kids, you are a loving, positive, wise, and proactive individual as well as a role model. Never tire in your resolve. As you support the accomplishments of your children and students, you will come to realize that just you being

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present, with all your love and wisdom, makes the real difference in their lives now and forever. There is no greater joy than to “be there” for kids—no matter what! Your ability to influence children’s life journeys rests on your unfailing commitment to the most rewarding job in the world—teaching kids to be loving and lovable, caring, and responsible human beings. Life is not an à la carte menu. Be honest with yourself about what you can and can’t do in the home and school environment, and manage your expectations in a positive manner. A Strategy Intervention Form is included in the appendix to help you reflect on what worked or didn’t. It offers the validation you need to better strategize your action plans by observing, monitoring, and adjusting them to best suit personal and professional daily challenges. Above all, pay special attention to your relationship with the present and how you think, speak, and do things. Recognize that you’re doing the very best you can with the resources that you have, and lose all the guilt through repeated practice. Yes! You can do it! You have all that you need within you! Your diligent work will have many rewards and bring you abundant blessings. You have nothing to lose. The rewards are truly priceless! It’s up to you now! May you be blessed in all of your efforts on your continued mind, heart, and spirit journey with the precious children and students whom you are entrusted to nurture and guide in this lifetime. I am daily making myself what I am. —Robert Thurman

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Appendix

An Educator’s Prayer What an awesome job I have to love, nurture, and guide! Please, Lord, hear my prayer. Throughout the day be at my side. Let me be as positive as I can be. Open their minds and hearts so they may always see the best in themselves and others, I pray. Give me the strength to do What I should each day. Keep these precious ones in my charge Always safe from harm, and to You near. Assist me to teach them right from wrong without anxiety and fear. Oh Lord, guide me always to give them the benefit of the best start. Help them grow healthy and happy, then I’ll know I’ve done my part. —Mary Ann Smialek

Taken from Don’t Miss the Bus! Steering Your Child to Success in School, Taylor Trade Publishing — 177 —

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Educators’ Wishes I want to teach children more than lessons in a book; I want to teach them deeper things that people overlook The value of a rose in bloom, its use and beauty, too, A sense of curiosity to discover what is true; How to think and how to choose the right above the wrong, How to live and learn each day and grow up to be strong To teach them always how to gain in wisdom and in grace, So they will someday make the world a brighter, better place. Let me be a guide with wisdom to give these minds a start Upon their way down life’s long road, then I’ll have done my part. —Adapted from A Teacher’s Prayer by Jill Wolf

Strategy Intervention Form Take a minute to reflect on your observations of a positive strategy that you put into action. What worked? What didn’t work? Mark the areas that apply with a plus sign (+) for a positive experience and a minus sign (–) for ones that you need to work on another time. Reflecting on a situation after using a positive strategy intervention is helpful in focusing on the things that will work with your particular child. Remember these skill-building strategies do not uniformly fit every child in every situation. My best advice to you is to (1) reflect, (2) monitor, and (3) adjust.

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Name of Strategy: _________________________ Date:________________ Consider your child’s/students’ interactions with you. _____________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________ Weigh your child’s/students’ interactions with other children. _____________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________ Relate how you encouraged kids to expect a “great deal” of themselves. _____________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________ Convey values (e.g., respect for authority, other’s property) you stressed. _____________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________ Relate “good examples” that you shared; actions speak louder than words. _____________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________ Express how you supplied a strong support system to your child/student. _____________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________

Consider your responsibilities and your child’s/students’ in the future. _____________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________ Share special encouragement to make the “next time” more positive. _____________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________ Key lesson learned from this strategy: _____________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________

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About the Author

Mary Ann Smialek, director of Quest Solutions Consulting, is an experienced educator in both regular and special education, specializing in the remediation of specific learning challenges. Mary Ann is a leading author and speaker on home-school partnerships, parent-teacher collaboration, curriculum adaptations, motivation, and team strategies. Dr. Smialek is the author of Team Strategies for Success—Doing What Counts in Education; Don’t Miss the Bus! Steering Your Child to Success in School; Get On the Bus! Tools for School; Off the Bus! Transition to Middle School; Share the Quest for Success: How to Work Effectively with Parents; and Inside Teams in Education. She has recorded a Don’t Miss the Bus! CD set for today’s busy, on-the-go educators and parents. For a personal response to a question or comment, visit her website at www.maryannsmialek.com and “Ask Dr. Mary Ann.”

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