Letter from an American Prisoner

December 28, 1997 Dear Thay, I don’t know if this letter will arrive in your hands or not, but I wish that somebody who lives at the same address as you can open this letter and read my words so that I feel relieved. I found your address in the back of the book Living Buddha, Living Christ that was offered to me. I have been on death row for 17 years already. My life has had a lot of suffering during this time, a lot of despair. But in me, there is a will to transcend all these psychological and emotional wounds. These wounds are with me and grow in jail. There are days where I struggle very hard against my anger, and there are moments when I feel I cannot transcend my anger and hate. I feel that I am crushed by my hate. But strangely, I learn to live simply from that moment of learning, the hatred toward those who have been very hard to me, cruel to me, my only vow is to survive without becoming crazy because of this hate. I hope to survive without hate, without hatred toward those who put me in jail, who have tortured me. I don’t know how I can do that. I don’t know how I can transcend the moment when I feel that I will go crazy or I think that I am going insane. How can I survive and transcend this difficult moment? I never think that I am better than or higher than other people are. I am quite satisfied with who I am. My only dream is that one day I will be released and somebody will come and see me and that person will say, “That person spent 20 years in jail but he’s still normal.” That is my only wish. I am an ordinary person. I am very grateful that in jail, after 17 years, I can still keep my sanity. I am not crazy yet and with that gratitude, I can treasure what happens in my life. When I see the sunset, I feel a lot of happiness. I sit behind my jail door. I can enjoy the sunset through the little window in my cell. In the last cell that I had, for 12 years, I was only able to look at a brick wall. In my new jail, there is a window where I can see the city with a lot of trees, and the first time I came in touch with trees, I was so moved that I cried. When I read your book, it was the first time I learned to dwell peacefully in the present moment. I understood that teaching right away. In the past, I hated all organized religions. I felt that any religion always tried to eliminate those who didn’t follow them. So that is the reason why I only followed my inner search. I have only started to learn about Buddhism, but I can see already in the way of searching for something beautiful. I can learn to live deeply in the present moment, mindfully in the present moment, my material life. In this situation, I have a lot of difficulties, but I learn to treasure the short moments of awareness living in jail. During these moments of awareness, the fear and despair in me cannot master me, and I tune in to the humanness in me, and I can behave like a Buddhist. I believe that if I continue, I will find transformation. I know that if one day I am executed in a violent way, I will be able to accept that. I wish that from this garbage, I can transform into a flower, I can find peace in me. During my search for peace, I have learned to accept myself as well as those around me. My only

dream is when I am released, people come to me and say, “How come after 20 years in jail, he is still a normal person?” I write this letter to you hoping that these simple words can share with you the humanness in me. I wrote to you not in the name of one person in death row, but as a person who has been sent here to jail in order to grow. To learn and to grow in a very difficult situation and in a condition where you have no hope for the future. The main idea of this letter is to tell you, Thay, that the human nature exists in me and to tell you that a death row prisoner can find peace and joy in hell. Please take good care of yourself * . Love, Nicholas

After reading this letter, Thay asked sister Thuc Nghiem to send a book about walking meditation to Nicholas, and wrote to him and asked him to practice walking meditation in his own cell and to help other prisoners do the same. *