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GRIEF TRIBUTES: A Guide to Life Celebrations Inspired by “The Funeral Planner” A novel by Lynn Isenberg Focus Media, Inc. Publishing P.O. Box 10483 Marina del Rey, CA 90295 www.lynnisenberg.com www.lightsoutenterprises.com www.focusmediamarketing.com
Copyright © 2005 by Lynn Isenberg Registered WGAw All rights reserved. This book, or parts therof, may not be reproduced in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system without permission in writing from publisher. Distribution, reproduction, transmission or utilization of this book / ebook by email, copying, scanning, website, blog, podcast, carrier pigeon or any other method is prohibited. It is protected under Creative Common license. No commercial use. No changes. First Edition Printed in the United States of America Library of Congress Cataloguing-in-Publication Data Isenberg, Lynn Isenberg Grief Wellness: A guide to dealing with loss / Lynn Isenberg. q. cm. ISBN
2. Grief 4. Funeral
0-9778923-1-X 2. Loss 3. Death 5. Life Celebration
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GRIEF TRIBUTES The Definitive Guide to Life Celebrations
Valuable stories and lessons on the growing trends in personalized tributes
The information in this guide book reflects shifting tendencies toward death in America.
Through the power of story we describe examples of personalized tributes, do-ityourself-funerals, and create an awareness for the etiquette involved in this practice.
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How do you want to be remembered?
What do you want to happen at your end of life celebration?
If you have the option— do you want to participate in a celebration of your life?
The very nature of these questions has become a conversation catalyst and the subject of many pod-casts at www.LightsOutEnterprises.com
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Thinking about these questions has several impacting effects: By looking at the end we are able to make the beginning and middle better.
By confronting our own deaths we are able to diminish our fears around it.
By dealing with our own deaths we are better able to cope with the deaths of others.
By engaging in this kind of introspective thinking we create clear, identifiable guidelines for our last wishes that take the burden off of our survivors.
By relieving our survivors of these details they are better able to feel their loss and deal with their grief rather than be consumed in a fog of confusion over what can become overwhelming necessary funeral directives.
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Here are some guiding questions along this path of thinking: Who do you want to speak on your behalf?
What do you want him/her/them to say?
What kind of food and drink do you want served that best represents you?
At what point do you want the food and drink to be served? How do you want it to be served?
What kind of music do you want? Live band, orchestra, solo performer?
Do you want a poetry slam, a joke-telling festival, or storytelling around an open fire pit?
Do you want a 3-day celebration on a lake with a pontoon boat ride under celestial skies?
Do you want funeral favors passed around as remembrance gifts?
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Do you want a video about your life? And who do you want to be in it? Or narrate it?
Do you want your life celebration at a funeral home or on a golf course with glow-in-the-dark name-engraved golf balls for a simultaneous midnight group tee-off?
Do you want to be buried in a cemetery… or at sea in traditional Viking style?
What you want for your life celebration reflects on how you value the life you live. Extravagant life celebrations are no longer reserved for dignitaries and heads of state.
Ordinary people lead extraordinary lives
…and want, as well as deserve, to be recognized for their contributions to family, friends, and community.
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As we shift from a society of mass media recipients to one of micro-media developers we no longer rely as much on others to create or handle the important cycles of life.
Baby boomers have altered and impacted our society by sheer demographics alone; we see no reason why they will do otherwise in death.
In fact, the National Funeral Directors Association’s research polls clearly show that people are opting for a “party” or no funeral at all by a margin of 47%*.
The National Census Bureau predicts a 33%* increase in deaths by 2010 as baby boomers approach their later years – which means the increase in end of life celebrations will rise significantly.
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Personalized tribute celebrations provide greater meaning to the life of the honoree while helping ease the pain of the mourners.
Yet what are the guiding principles around the etiquette of grief and the changing attitudes toward end of life celebrations?
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GROWING TRENDS SHOW ATTITUDES & CEREMONIES ARE CHANGING:
Traditional canned rituals will be buried (no pun intended) by increasingly pro-active baby boomers who opt for more customized and personalized closing curtains.
Our lifestyles have become transient. It’s no longer unusual for our family of origin to be spread across the nation or across different continents. This increasing transient lifestyle has resulted in 75% reduced gravesite visitation in the last 25 years -- simply because no one is around to visit.
However, it is crucial to recognize that without a funeral or some form of ritual to cope with transitioning emotional states we risk becoming a nation crippled by grief.
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Therefore, we also celebrate the unsung role of the funeral director who must deal not only with the intricate details of a death but its aftermath of emotional confusion as well; coinciding with the growing role of the funeral planner— who deals with the details and intricacies of a life celebration.
*Statistics provided by NFDA (National Funeral Directors Association). Confirmation on accuracy of numbers is forthcoming.
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MARKET
While some books in the marketplace by care-giving professionals address issues of grief recovery for those already experiencing bereavement; our guide books take a different approach. We invite both the griever and the grief witness to learn about grief etiquette and the growing trends of “personalized tributes” also known as “end of life celebrations” or “grief tributes” with respect, humor, candor.
We have not seen any books that address Grief Wellness, in particular nothing on behalf of the “grief witness.” Nor have we seen any books or guides that address the art of Grief Tributes. We believe our guide books address these immediate growing needs in our society. And we sincerely hope you find them helpful in your journey.
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ABOUT THE AUTHOR:
LYNN ISENBERG In addition to writing the comedy novel THE FUNERAL PLANNER and launching the real life business it inspired, LIGHTS OUT ENTERPRISES, native Detroiter and Californian Lynn Isenberg is a Media Developer; an avant-garde content creator, producer, and narrative marketing strategist. Her critically acclaimed works include two comedic novels as well as feature
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film and television credits Youngblood, I Love You to Death, True Vinyl, and the popular series I::Design (which she co-created and executive produced). Her work in new media and branded entertainment includes Jill Sobule’s Analog Girl for Paramount Pictures as well as the premiere Sundance Online Film Festival and Resolve (which she co-wrote) for The Creative Tank and TaylorMade Golf. In addition, she is founder of the renowned Hollywood Literary Retreat. Lynn speaks across the nation about her novels and the role of storytelling in entertainment and new media. She is a graduate of the University of Michigan with a B.A. in English Language & Literature, a minor in Film Studies, and an MBA & Entrepreneurial Studies audit. Through her company Focus Media, Inc., Isenberg writes and produces (all kinds of things), and offers reallife funeral planning for pre-need clients inspired by her novel The Funeral Planner. Visit www.LightsOutEnterprises.com for info on publications, services, experiences and workshops or www.focusmediamarketing.com for information on Narrative Marketing™.
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DAVID M. TECHNER David M. Techner has been a funeral director at the Ira Kaufman Chapel in Southfield, Michigan for over 32 years. Where David estimates having arranged nearly 10,000 funerals, hardly a day goes by that he doesn’t take a group of grandchildren on a tour of his funeral home while explaining “why” their grandpa or grandma died.
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David has spoken all over the world on his specialty, “explaining death to children,” as well as multiple subjects of grief and bereavement.
Author of “ A Candle for Grandpa,” David was also executive producer of the award winning documentary “Generation to Generation, Jewish Families Talk About Death,” a film by Academy Award winning filmmaker, Sue Marx.
David has appeared on The Today Show, Good Morning America, CBS News this Morning, Donahue, Nightline, Sonya-Live in LA, Geraldo, and The Joan Rivers Show.
David received the “Activist of the Year Award” in 2003 from the Jewish Community Council of Metropolitan Detroit. The annual award, which was presented by Governor Jennifer Granholm, is given to a member of the community whose volunteer work has made a difference in both the Jewish Community as well as the general community.
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As Chairman of Partnership 2000 and a member of the Steering Committee for 6 years, David has made 17 trips to Israel. He is the Michigan Chair of Kids Kicking Cancer, President and Co-Founder of the Jewish Hospice and Chaplaincy Network. A cancer survivor, David makes annual trips to Camp Simcha, a cancer camp for kids in New York, to speak to kids about cancer. He was given the “Circle of Love” Award for his efforts in 1999. In addition, Alyn Hospital awarded David and his wife Ilene at an annual event recognizing their special work on behalf of children.
David M. Techner collaborated with authorspeaker-entrepreneur Lynn Isenberg on the companion grief guidebook “GRIEF WELLNESS: The Definitive Guide to Dealing with Loss.” Available in print or e-book at www.LightsOutEnterprises.com www.TheTributeNetwork.com
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“Grief Wellness” and “Grief Tributes” are from the non-fiction spin-off series of grief guidebooks inspired from the entrepreneurial comedy novel from Red Dress Ink…
THE FUNERAL PLANNER by Author-Speaker-Entrepreneur Lynn Isenberg (www.LynnIsenberg.com)
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PREAMBLE by Lynn Isenberg
What on earth is this buzz about?
In the month of August, 2005 (that would be one month prior to the release of my second novel), I am witnessing an explosion of publicity in newspapers nationwide and online about the emerging movement that is changing the traditional landscape of funerals.
The trend is known as “personalized tributes” which is also known as “end of life celebrations” and “grief tributes” which could also be expanded into its most broad terms as “funeral planning.” Ironically, that is the title of my second novel, “The Funeral Planner.” When I trace the impetus for this novel it takes me back seven years…
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Seven years ago my father died. I felt something – something that was connected to grief but also driving it. That something grew bigger inside of me when exactly one year later to the day, my brother died. Then, that something became the guiding force in my writing a novel about a young woman who starts a funeral planning business called Lights Out Enterprises.
What was that “something” inside of me that inspired the title of a novel that has created a direct hit into the pulse of current American culture? I believe it was an insatiable need to be directly involved with the memory of the lives that are passing on; an insatiable need inside a growing technology-oriented culture – to connect – to participate – to go all out and… feel. Tied into the need to connect and feel, was also, I believe, an inability to let go along with a refusal to do so by standing up and rebelling
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against tradition in true baby boomer fashion and saying, “If I’m going to have to let go, then I’m going to dive in all the way and do it my way, so I own it, so I feel it.” Mixed in with all these theories, is another one; preoccupation with the event to avoid the guilt that inherently comes along with the grief package. Because after all, until you experience the death of a loved one, you never really explore the journey of grief—until you have no choice in the matter. Then you’re suddenly standing in unknown territory with only the actions of those whom you watched before as role models. And watching exterior actions only go so far in helping understand the interior pain. So… in a quest to participate with my grief, I wrote and delivered my father’s eulogy; and I interviewed and recorded mourners’ stories about my father and my brother during Shiva.
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These actions gave me something to do. By doing, I was being proactive, which gave me a way to feel involved and stay connected to the spirits of my loved ones. I believe that is what is happening today on a grand scale.
People want to connect – with each other – with the spirits of their loved ones – and with themselves. Preparing Grief Tributes for themselves and loved ones – is one way they can get there. Through the power of story this guide book shows you how…
The famous cultural anthropologist Margaret Meade said of death in America, “When someone is born, we rejoice; When they marry, we celebrate; Yet when they die, we pretend nothing happened.”
Well… not anymore…
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CHAPTER 1: HOW TO CREATE GRIEF TRIBUTES THAT CELEBRATE LIFE
But first… a word on etiquette:
TIMING IS EVERYTHING
It’s important to be careful about people’s time with respect to a service or graveside ceremony. Expectations are an hour or an hour and a half -- unless people know ahead of time what to expect. The worst thing is when people start walking out of a funeral service. This includes extras such as live performances or guest speakers. So it is crucial to advise the mourners in advance. As renowned funeral director Dave Techner points out, quoting from a twentyyear old slogan of Holiday Inn, “The best surprise is no surprise at all.”
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It’s important for attendees to know what’s going to happen. And it’s important that everyone involved in the ceremony knows in advance what their role is. In this respect, the Funeral Director and the Funeral Planner are akin to producers of an improvised stage play. They must carefully orchestrate the flow of all the parts that sum up the whole and be ready for anything that may cause a disruption. That’s what really good producing is all about.
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THE PERSONALIZED EULOGY
There is a strong inclination for active participation during the funeral service, where surviving family members and friends express an implicit need to stand up and speak or share their sentiments about the loved one. This is a wonderful gesture on the part of friends and family, but can also be disastrous for the surviving immediate family members and attendees as a whole. If people do not decide ahead of time how they’re going to approach the writing and delivery of a eulogy it can create internal strife. Often times a child will get up and talk only about his relationship with his parent and never mention the other siblings or spouse. Is the speaker speaking on behalf of all the grandchildren or children or is he or she speaking only behalf of themselves? So again, it’s important to
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include everyone and to make sure everyone knows what their roles are ahead of time. If you have a driving need to speak, sing, whistle, or reflect out loud, take the time to ask for permission to do so and offer to reveal the contents of your talk in advance of the service, as well as the approximate length of time for which you will speak -and then stick to it. Be prepared to share the details of your talk if asked to do so. This will alleviate any concerns on the part of the immediate family.
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THE ROLE OF “EXPERIENCE DESIGN” – thinking outside the box
What is “experience design”?
Experience Design is the integration of multiple disciplines of design. Individual disciplines interrelated to create a holistic experience. This can include the use of theatre, graphic design, storytelling, exhibit design, information design, game design, interior design, architecture, sound design, and anything else that contributes to an experience worth remembering.
To learn more about experience design, visit Nathan Shedroff’s website, author of “Experience Design,” at www.nathan.com.
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Business consultants and authors Joe Pine & Jim Gilmore wrote a book called “The Experience Economy” where they explain how these disciplines come together as part of our economic evolution.
They explain how our economy began with commodities, such as coffee beans; how that grew into products, such as cans of coffee available at your local grocery store; how products in turn then became a service, where you could buy a cup of coffee at your local diner; and how that in turn transformed into an experience, the prime example being Starbucks and what its phenomenon has done to create a whole culture around the experience of consuming coffee.
In addition to my television series I::Design (on the Fine Living Network), I have also written a television series
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treatment on Experience::Design which provides examples of experience design, including interviews with experience designers, and a break down of the process to understand how and why an experience design, if it can be replicated, becomes a true design and not a stand alone event.
So how can we take the role of experience design and apply that to the role of funeral planning? Simple. We apply the same interrelated disciplines of design. But first, it’s important to identify your intention with respect to the nature of the ceremony you are designing, in this case, personalized tributes. Read on…
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The Nature of Personalized Tributes
When I meet with clients of Lights Out Enterprises, the first thing I do is ask them, “How do you want to be remembered?”™ The question inevitably stops them in their tracks and elicits a look of introspective wonderment. I bring up an array of possible scenarios to get them thinking about the realm of possibilities. The next thing I do is ask them to take a week or two to contemplate an answer and fill out the Lights Out Enterprises’ Life Bio Video Template with questions that can guide them into a thought process that will help them define what it is they want as well as provide me with clues on how I can realize their wishes for them. At our next meeting, I orchestrate a brainstorming session and guide the conversation with key questions to cull and
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hone the answers that will give me the general blueprint for a celebration and life bio video. Depending on the ideas generated from Meeting #2, Meeting #3 will include the Lights Out Enterprises Hollywood Talent Team, which takes the Life Bio Video to an entirely different level; one which is highly customized to include celebrity talent within the organic context of a storyline that my Talent Team and I develop, write, and produce. The final product can be viewed for multiple purposes, ranging from special events, marker birthdays, end of life celebrations, and as part of the library of the Lights Out Enterprises Life Story Collection™. Once the client approves the content for the celebration and the video, I take care of the details, making sure to establish relationships with the right vendors for a celebration in the now or in the future.
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When appropriate, customized remembrance items are also created at this time. (Examples of remembrance items to follow…)
Like any strong piece of art, whether it’s a film, a novel, a business plan or a hotel… it’s important to keep in mind at least one consistent theme throughout the entire design that represents the underlying message. For instance, the theme that runs through a Herman Miller chair is high-end functionality with high-end design to create an elegance of form and function that enhances the quality of your everyday life. Another example is the consistent theme in BMW’s Short Film Series -- the quality and safety in the transportation of human life. The same principles apply to designing a tribute. What is the essence of the soul that
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you are creating a tribute for? That’s the key. And if you can define the essence of your loved one, you’ve got the compass for your tribute. The more consistent you are in creating experiences that revolve around the essence of that soul, the more moving and powerful the tribute will be. Of course, we are talking about a human life, a soul’s life, not a product, so the manner in which everything is done, is best if done with the greatest respect and highest degree of good taste and good manners.
What follows are stories filled with examples on what is possible in the realm of personal grief tributes and end of life celebrations.
Enjoy… and never stop thinking outside the box!
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CHAPTER 2: STORIES OF PERSONALIZED TRIBUTES
MY BROTHER’S FUNERAL
Though my brother had been ill for years, he managed to maintain a wonderful quality of life. He treated himself to the finest clothes, stayed in four star hotels, and whenever possible he would fly first class. He had an eye for beauty and his home reflected his good taste in the arts. Even his silverware had style and panache. I believe my brother’s greatest gift to me was sharing his concept on beauty. In his own words he turned to me one day and said, “It’s important to surround yourself with beautiful things to feel good about yourself.” I’ll never forget those words or the definitive tone in which he conveyed them, as if this concept should go without saying,
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as if this concept were one of the Ten Commandments, and if it wasn’t – then it should be. I try to live each day following that credo. My life has grown more beautiful because of it. When you surround yourself with beautiful things you are in essence telling yourself that you deserve these things. And by the way, they don’t have to be “things”. Beauty is in experiences as much as if not more than in things. Experiences are the foundation of our memories. And if we want to have good memories, then we need to have good experiences.
Apparently, my brother felt the same way about beauty in life as he did about beauty in death. He had a close relationship with a renowned singer and his parting wish was that she sing his favorite song at his funeral.
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When the time came… and the professional singer stood on stage next to the podium and began to sing acapella – everything changed in that moment. The energy in the room shifted. Her words carried his spirit in a celebration of his life, bringing a depth of meaning to his years on earth that went far beyond the words of clergy who never knew him. It was startling because it was so out of the ordinary. But then, it made perfect sense when you stopped to think about it. My brother, whose gift was to surround oneself with beauty, did nothing short of that on behalf of his funeral – and created an extraordinary and beautiful experience.
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NINE ROUNDS FOR NINE LIVES A GOLF COURSE SEND-OFF *Produced by Lights Out Enterprises inside The Funeral Planner
Imagine you have a friend or client who asks you to design a pre-need life tribute for him -- and he likes your ideas so much that he asks you to produce it twice; once now so he can enjoy it and later when he won’t be attending except in spirit. Let’s say his name is Norm Pearl. Norm is a vibrant, magnanimous sixty-two year old commercial real estate developer and real estate magnate. You take him through the motions of the Life Bio Video Template Form. You interview him while spending time in his world. You discover Norm is a golf fanatic, that he loves the symphony, apple martinis, and hot dogs. And that he insists no one cry at his tribute because he’s having a wonderful life.
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If you had to define his soul with one word, you would pick “generous.” Now—what would you plan?
Here’s what Lights Out Enterprises did for Norm’s pre-need designed extravaganza: Per Norm’s request and at his expense, we spent time getting to know him in his favorite environment - golf courses across the nation. We got to really know Norm and based on what we learned along with his magnanimous and generous personality--suggested the following: A nine-hole game of golf at night on a private course accommodating 100 of his closest friends, family, and associates. A glow-in-the-dark golf ball with his name engraved on it for everyone to keep. Stories told about Norm at each golf hole on the green.
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Each hole named with signage of a constellation after Norm’s urban-developed projects’ astronomical code names. A 9th hole crowd gathering simultaneous tee-off of the glow-in-the-dark golf balls at midnight where the sky would light up. A live symphony orchestra playing his favorite classical music. A caterer serving his favorite food and drink; hot dogs and apple martinis. A Life Bio Video which cleverly integrated interviews of his friends and family with lots of humor. Presentation of the Life Bio Video projected on a wall at the golf site. And just before the final tee-off, the announcement of a charity--a golf camp academy for urban kids to learn sportsmanship and ethics on the course.
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Within the context of The Funeral Planner, Norm liked the idea so much that he asked Lights Out Enterprises to produce the event while he was alive to enjoy it with a reprise for when his lights go out.
Notice that this scenario from The Funeral Planner was designed with the theme of “generosity” running throughout it while simultaneously and organically integrating the best of Norm. Food, Entertainment and Humor, are generously included in the design. Notice, too, that the design has interactive options. Friends and family are invited to participate by playing golf and sharing stories at each hole. By creating an interactive component you solidify the experience. It’s no longer an intangible conversation that one may forget. Instead, the actions become part of the participant’s body memory. Physical and emotional attributes are engaged,
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creating a compelling experience that will not easily be forgotten; and creating an opportunity for group sharing to celebrate a life and mourn a death – together. In addition, the “funeral favor” of glow-in-the-dark-named-engraved golf balls gives the experience a final touch combining humor with a spiritual metaphor (i.e., the golf ball glowing in the celestial skies above) to remember Norm with a smile.
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THE BIOLOGY OF LIFE *Produced by Lights Out Enterprises inside The Funeral Planner
Imagine you have a friend or client named Hector Thornton who is CEO of Thornton Pharmaceuticals. He comes to you wanting a pre-need celebration. You quickly discover that Hector is a fifty-seven year old genetic biologist who has dedicated his entire career to research and development in curing the common cold. His only other passion is his love of horticulture; so it’s no wonder that his favorite color is forest green, a rather easy deduction to make given how the color is strategically implemented throughout his offices and labs. Hector is on the quiet side, so you have to be extra perceptive in your sleuthing abilities. Think Sherlock Holmes. You are in his environment and therefore can learn
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an enormous amount about a person by observing their surroundings. For more on the art of intuitive sleuthing, I highly recommend reading Malcolm Gladwell’s book “Blink” in which he describes in easy-to-understand terms how we have the innate ability to “blink” a person or situation for all the answers we need. In other words, trusting our very first gut instincts--the ‘blink’--rather than deliberating and analyzing the situation only to come full circle to the original blink on it. The point here being that once you interview friends or clients enough times, you will be able to more accurately blink on the essence of their soul. Inside Hector’s office, his Toyota Prius (he’s very practical and need I say “green”), and his home, you notice that Hector owns no CDs, no stereos, no speaker system. Music listening is not something he spends time on. But you do notice an
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occasional martini while he quietly reads in his home library that holds one of the largest collections of books on horticulture and botany in the United States. Hector has two teenage children and a wife with a green thumb, as is evident by the meticulous garden surrounding his home. His vacations usually include taking his children on tours of botanical gardens around the world. Hector would like a pre-need tribute to mark his 60th birthday which can be duplicated at his time-of-need. What do you do?
Here’s what Lights Out Enterprises did inside The Funeral Planner: Hector Thornton, CEO of Thornton Pharmaceuticals came to us looking for a pre-need celebration. We met with Hector at his office and learned about his lifelong ambition to cure the common cold and his love for horticulture.
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We designed a celebration inside a botanical garden where we would serve his favorite drink, martinis, inside test tubes and pass out forest green colored lab coats with Thornton Pharmaceuticals embroidered on them. Instead of music playing, we would simply project the sounds of Mother Nature, perhaps even a sped-up-time-lapsed-sound of a plant’s growth. Then we produced an audio cd of Hector’s theory on the circadian rhythms of plant life as it relates to the meaning of human life. The CDs would be passed out to celebrants at his 60th birthday as well as his end of life celebration. In addition, they would be distributed to booksellers, arboretums and botanical gardens worldwide with all the proceeds going toward the cure of the common cold.
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A ZOO CELEBRATION *Produced by Lights Out Enterprises inside The Funeral Planner
Arnie Haggerty might have been a senior loan officer at a bank his whole life, but he might as well have been a naturalist. His love for animals and nature was a big part of his life. And he devotes much of his time to animal rights including making generous annual contributions to his local zoo and serving on its board. He even arranged an outdoor public screening at the zoo for his favorite film, March of the Penguins. His hobbies include landscape photography, which land him several awards and local showings. His other love consists of fine-tuning the art of coffee connoisseurship, for which he possesses the largest collection of gourmet coffee in the state of Michigan. Arnie comes to you in good health wanting to celebrate his life.
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What do you do?
Inside The Funeral Planner, Lights Out Enterprises put together an event which was unexpectedly produced eight months later when Arnie’s pre-need suddenly became a time-of-need. Arnie’s life celebration took place at the local zoo. Trolley carts with vegan meals and gourmet coffee were passed out. The president of the zoo and lifelong friend of Arnie’s spoke eloquently about his friend outside the penguin area, which was Arnie’s favorite animal. People were led on a tour of the zoo and at each animal location; they stopped and shared stories about Arnie. Digital cameras were passed out with strategically placed super-imposed images of Arnie so that a photo taken of a celebrant next to an animal would come out with Arnie standing there, next to them. Coffee mugs with silk-screened landscape
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photographs of Arnie’s prized work were also given to attending life celebrants. In addition, a grief counselor was also on the premises for those who needed to talk or cry. Arnie’s Life Bio Video was projected against a rock wall near the penguin gallery and his final words turned his estranged children into friends once again.
Notice in this scenario, the attributes of Arnie’s life were thoughtfully integrated into an interactive experience that included a touching a remembrance item that clearly represented Arnie.
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GOVERNOR ANDERSON *Produced by Lights Out Enterprises inside The Funeral Planner
Fictitious fifty-one year old Governor Anderson of Arkansas from The Funeral Planner decided it was time to design his pre-need tribute. A meeting takes place inside the governor’s mansion in Little Rock, Arkansas. That’s when Lights Out Enterprises discovers the Governor’s passion for motorcycles; collecting them, riding them, fixing them, polishing them… You name it. Besides governing the good people of Arkansas, Governor Anderson loves his motorcycles. His favorite music could be categorized as male vocalists with lyrics you can actually hear; such as Neil Young, Dan Fogelberg, America, Luther Vandross, and James Taylor.
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Did he have any other passions? Well, if you considered his penchant for constantly interrupting a conversation to relay a joke, you’d have to say that joketelling was a passion of his, whether he was particularly good at it or not was another matter. What would you do?
Lights Out Enterprises designed a rubber-burning motorcycle salute followed by an interactive joke telling festival featuring appearances by Billy Crystal, Whoopi Goldberg or Larry David (whoever was available within his price range at the time) as well as a performance based on availability by Neil Young singing “Southern Man.”
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CELEBRATING A NOT-SO-NICE LADY *Produced by Lights Out Enterprises inside The Funeral Planner
Governor Anderson was so pleased with the experience design that Lights Out Enterprises came up with for his own tribute that he asked Lights Out Enterprises to design something that would honor his mother, Willa Anderson. When we interviewed the Governor at his mansion, his ninety-four year old mother Willa Anderson had sat quietly in the back of the room chain-smoking, knitting something or other, drinking small cups of coffee and not saying a single word. When we offered to interview his mother in private, this course of action was immediately shot down by the Governor who explained, in his own words, that his mother was a deaf-pretending chain-smoker who loved to drink coffee and was, a, uh, first-class bitch.
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Based on that information – what would you do?
Lights Out Enterprises designed a plan to pass out coffee, cigarettes, and, uh… well,… knitted bitch pillows… which thrilled the Governor. Even Willa Anderson seemed to crack a small smile at the suggestion of these ideas.
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THE MOONGLOW JIG *Produced by Lights Out Enterprises inside The Funeral Planner
One of the characters in The Funeral Planner is a man named Uncle Samuel Banks who loves life and loves to fish. In fact, Sam Banks turned his passion for fishing into a successful bait manufacturing company and then sold it to retire early and fish. He also had a collection of fishing lures and some amazing first rate bottles of whiskey. Nothing like a good shot of whiskey to warm the heart while ice fishing on his lake. And his personal trademark? Whenever you might walk down the street and hear the tune of a song called “Fishing Free,” you could bet Uncle Sam was just around the bend doing the whistling. When Uncle Sam unexpectedly passes away inside the novel, his niece, Madison Banks, the protagonist and founder
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of Lights Out Enterprises, puts together a memorial truly fitting for her favorite uncle. What would you do?
Madison Banks projected Uncle Sam’s Life Bio Video at his funeral on a big screen. After that, she managed to get the famous singer Maurice LeSarde, who wrote the song “Fishing Free” to come to the funeral and perform it live for Sam’s friends and family. Following the service, Madison designed an interactive memorial, inviting friends and family to Sam’s lake house for an afternoon of ice fishing. The meal was the fish that everyone caught, prepared as Uncle Sam would have liked it. Shots of Sam’s favorite whiskey were passed around as people were invited to sit in a circle and share Sam Stories. And for the final touch, Madison passed out glow-in-the-dark fishing
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lures known as Moonglow Jigs, so that Uncle Sam’s spirit would always shine. She also passed out whistles so that anytime you wanted to communicate with Uncle Sam’s spirit, all you had to do was wet your lips around the whistle and blow...
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THE PLAYWRIGHT & THE THEATRE
Jack Rand’s health was failing. He had lived a good, long life. And he had the joy of practicing his passion both as a teacher of writing at a local college and as an accomplished playwright and author himself. His own plays had even been performed on Broadway. As his health continued to fail, one of his relatives asked Lights Out Enterprises what to do. We suggested the memorial take place at the college theatre and to pass out pens with Jack’s name on them. … and they did.
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A ROADTRIP OF GRATITUDE
One of our clients, Bob, loves motorcycle riding. Even though he is an accomplished real estate agent, he dreams one day of creating a cable tv show that would take viewers on an adventure exploring the best motorcycle riding road trips across the country. When Bob finished working on the Life Bio Template, we discussed it at length. We discovered that what Bob really wanted to do--was thank his closest friends and family for helping him along his life’s journey. Having a party was one option, but his closest friends and family lived all across the country. Lights Out Enterprises suggested that we produce a Life Bio Video of Bob taking that long-desired motorcycle riding road trip to visit his friends and family. This way, the trip itself could serve as a prototype cable tv
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show capturing some of the great rides for motorcyclists and at the same time, we would film Bob taking his loved ones for a ride and thanking them for all they’ve given him.
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I WANT DISCO
Cheryl is one of those perennially happy people. It doesn’t matter what time of day it is, whether the sun is out or not, whether she’s had her morning coffee or not. Cheryl is always smiling. When we discussed her Life Bio Template, we discovered what Cheryl wants more than anything else; a party with disco music, lots of outdoor dancing, a great view from on top of a mountain, and guests dressed up from her beloved disco era. She also wants to be cremated and placed in a quiet place, a forest, where it won’t be crowded with other souls (living or otherwise). And she looks forward, at that time, to enjoying all four seasons without having to be cold.
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THE TWINKLE IN HER EYE
In researching this book, I had to ask my mother how she would like to be remembered and what, if anything, she would like to have at her memorial service. I’m grateful that I asked. I’m grateful that we were able to discuss the subject openly. Because I learned something about my mother I never knew. “All my life,” my mother said to me, “people told me I had a twinkle in my eye.” I never knew people told her that. But in that moment, I looked her in the eye, and there it was, a twinkle. It was so clear. Why had I not been cognizant of it before? I felt it. But now, I saw it. And it was beautiful. “I would like to have a life bio video and life celebration that puts a twinkle in the eyes of my friends and family,” she continued. “I want to thank them for helping me on my journey. Because on the
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whole, life for me has been delightful. So I’d like to give them all a treat to show my appreciation. To that end, I want a Klezmer Band, because the music is traditional and uplifting and I want to serve my favorite dessert, Rugelah.”
For my mother’s 75th birthday, Lights Out Enterprises created a customized Tribute Poem which was framed and read aloud before friends and family (next page).
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“A TWINKLE IN HER EYE” For Eileen Isenberg, On Your 75th Birthday, December 21, 2005; Celebrated in Ann Arbor, MI, November 20, 2005
Where is the twinkle of a good heart? Where do I find it, where do I start? The Lord told me, “Go find thy twinkle in the sky And thou wilt have wings to fly.” There must be an easier way to earn my wings Through miracles and things. I’ve searched the earth, looked far and wide, And still can’t find the place where that twinkle resides. But now in Michigan as I soar, I dare to look once more I see a soul’s smile so bright, a sparkle so right, it is indeed a blessed light And despite trouble and doubt, it never fades out. Swirling round her soul are melodies of Chopin With harmonies of Dixieland And the liveliness of a Klezmer band. Her name is Eileen -- so refined with a presence divine She shines with piano-playing talents I wish were mine, And dances through life with ease, As if she has the wings I pray for so earnestly!
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She flies, it seems, from Glendale High and playground days to her Detroit stays. Cousin Dave Benjamin delivered her soul, to teach her the ways Of joke-telling that she’s refined as part of her quest to heal people’s minds But her purpose is not to do social work, she finds Still, when kids look grim, she picks them first in gym And please forgive me if over some history I happen to skim. Son Steven enlightened her world with an eye for design, Lauren shares her Jewbilation in kind And Lynn honors her in tales where she has the best lines. Eileen’s marriage to Jerry adds to her life’s story much joy and growth. Because she’s strong enough to learn from both. And with an open mind, Poznaksi helped her in kind. Self-improvement is her game, as she unknowingly creates her fame. With courage and foresight she takes on the tasks and examines her masks, Then lets her light shine through as her family would want her to do. After the loss of Jerry and Steve, she steadfastly faced her grieving,
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And with help from friends like Sherry and Sumi, she kept on believing. Eileen always seeks to feed her mind. She enjoys Chagall, and any new knowledge she finds, She speaks Yiddish, studies Hebrew, and likes sculpture hand-cast, With her enthusiasm, she learns well and fast! Organizer Nancy Kalif keeps her out of a mess, so she has less stress To pursue her happiness with much success! Body and brain must be healthy, and work as one Otherwise Eileen can’t enjoy all the fun, Don and Sonia get her hair and nails artfully done. Trainer Kim keeps her slim and trim, So she has the energy, vigor and vim To watch “700 Sundays” and “The Producers” on Broadway with Lynn, And partake with Mara, Sadie and Lauren in “The Lion King”. To enjoy storytelling with Laurie in Jonesboro, Tennessee, And to cook macrobiotic at the Isenberg Spa in NC, Thanks to chefs Joe and Lenore who’ve never made health a bore, With Georgia by her side and that ongoing twinkle in her eye,
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She built a house at Solterra, then asked herself “Why?” Alas, she chose to return to the place Where she could pivot with grace! The brightness grows as Eileen’s funny side shows, I flash to Eileen’s children’s younger years in Michigan snows, Her sense of humor is always loved by the tots, She can laugh and plotz when twins get in difficult spots With a “Roman Holiday” among pans and pots! I smile at white boots the twins stomped in “Are you expecting a flood?” said the plumber when he tromped in, I grin again at white boots in an oven baking But it’s lemonade Eileen’s always making, The twinkle glitters with glee, at her crafty white egg plea For the Seder prize… But when Lauren brings brown eggs, Eileen can’t believe her eyes! This amazing woman gives beyond compare And all the people in her life are grateful and aware. Raising three kids with loving energy, she brilliantly achieves,
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Every day, her family is gifted with her, so each one believes: Bobby and Laurie, favorite cousins in Jackson, make her laugh at the start Cousin Jeannette, always shares from the heart. Gary and Donna, favorite cousins from Toledo, do their part To Kenny, Kim, Emily and Daniel she’s dear and gives great cheer. Lynn and granddog Tao cherish her spirit, with licks and lyrics. Lauren, Frank, Mara and Sadie all care About this great person, who forever has twinkles to spare. Eileen’s spirit succeeds in attracting such loving friends, For she’s an angel to Shir Tikvah where much time she spends, With her wonderful friends Rabbi Arnie, Ron Elkis, Ron Goldman and Edwina all bless This amazing, classy woman who causes such happiness. Does a twinkle come from the soul, heart, mind, or all three? The light comes from an extraordinary woman, it seems to me! I have my twinkle, finally I meet A spirit who warms the hearts of all she greets
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She embraces the world with love As I make my report to God above: “This soul represents a masterpiece of life, With laughter, grace and no more strife, She teaches everyone to look at life with a grin, and in trouble, begin To sit in the balcony and appreciate the view That offers a somewhat different colored hue. With the gift of a well-told tale and warmth of soul, Eileen makes everyone’s lives complete and whole. Because her lovely twinkle banishes all sadness She is the one who causes such gladness.” I wait in anticipation as God reviews my report Then suddenly feel a growth of sort Oh, joy! My arms spread wide, to a changing tide. At last… I can fly! “Thanks, Eileen, for the twinkle in your eye!” As I part company with earth I sing, “Happy Birthday, you’ve given me my wings!” --From Angel Clarence II (whose father appeared in “It’s A Wonderful Life”) For customized poems see
[email protected]
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THE AUCTIONEER’S TALE
Lights Out Enterprises offers consulting services to funeral homes. So when a Michigan funeral home contacted us for help designing a time-of-need service for a member of the community named George Simon’s, we quickly obliged. We asked the funeral director about George’s profession and learned that he had been an auctioneer. We immediately suggested “keywords” used in the eulogy to describe George’s qualities be duplicated onto paddles customarily used at auctions. The paddles with the keywords on them were to be passed out to either specific or random mourners as they entered the chapel. When the person delivering the eulogy said the “keyword” the mourner with the matching paddle raised it, signifying a particular quality of George in a way that truly captured and personalized his life.
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JACK THE MENCH
As Jack approached his fifty-sixth birthday, he began thinking more and more about retiring from his thirty-five year career as a successful real estate agent and owner of a real estate company. Jack asked Lights Out Enterprises to create a legacy for his family and a video that he could show at his 56th birthday party. At Lights Out Enterprises, we took Jack through the Life Bio Template process and soon discovered that Jack had given up his first love of “acting” to go into real estate to support his family. We also discovered Jack’s other passion in life, scuba diving. We carefully designed and wrote a customized screenplay for the Life Bio Video that would organically become the legacy Jack wanted; a representation of Jack as a person, a family man, a father, a
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professional real estate agent, and an avid scuba diver. The plot of the screenplay included seamless use of earlier photographs and video, as well as his wife and daughter’s expression of their love for him. In addition, we created a script that provided Jack with the opportunity to act again with major Hollywood talent, so that the tribute film might even become a calling card back into the acting profession he always loved. The screenplay was produced using High Definition video cameras over the course of five days. The production included underwater cinematography, animation, and extraordinary Hollywood talent with whom Jack could act and improvise. During the filming, Jack’s wife saw such an incredible transformation in Jack’s
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spirit that she suggested he retire from real estate immediately and return to acting.
The short film “Jack the Mench” can be seen at www.LightsOutEnterprises.com or www.TheTributeNetwork.com. If you think you might be interested in having a customized video produced for yourself or a loved one, feel free to visit www.LightsOutEnterprises.com or contact us at
[email protected].
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RAINDROPS KEEP FALLING ON MY HEAD
After doing this for some time now, I figured I better identify my personal wishes, too. I realize I love community. I love bringing friends and family together for an event or just to hang out. I also love summers by lakes in Michigan. So--what I want is a two day celebration at a lake, with lots of water sport activities including kayaking and canoeing, waterskiing and sailing (but no jet skiis, I find them to be an absolute nuisance). Breakfast is my favorite meal, so all kinds of breakfast food can be served all day long. Because I am a writer, I am a lover of words, and therefore, whatever music is played that has lyrics must be able to be clearly heard and understood. This is my pet peeve. I don’t understand why musicians bother to sing lyrics when you
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can’t hear them. To that end, I would like to include music of Carole King, James Taylor, Carly Simon, Joan Armatrading, Neil Young, and The Spinners, especially the Spinners and even more so the music of Burt Bachrach with lyrics sung by Dionne Warwick. The opening and closing songs should be “Raindrops Keep Falling on my Head.” And I would like everyone to receive an umbrella with those very words on them. I also love nature, so I would like to offer those interested parties a sunset pontoon boat ride with a guide well versed in astronomy who can point out constellations and some interesting stories behind them… because at my core is an insatiable desire to “learn.” One of my favorite things is watching movies outside at night under the stars at film festivals. So I would like to duplicate that with a double header of my
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two favorite films, “To Kill A Mockingbird” and “Shawshank Redepmtion.” Of course, I would love for everyone to sit around a campfire and share stories, some about me, and some that portray the essence of me; an optimist at heart, an inspiration to others, and a catalyst for change that enhances the human spirit.
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OTHER APPLICATIONS
Grief Tributes are not only for living souls (humans and pets) who want to plan ahead for their pre-need or want a memorial for their time-of-need. Grief Tributes can also be applied to the end of “something”. It could be the death of a marriage, the end of a significant relationship, the dissolution of a business, the loss of a home… Inside The Funeral Planner, Lights Out Enterprises plans a celebration for the amicable end of a couple’s marriage. Later, in real life, I heard a true story about a man who threw himself a Divorce Party. He grieved the end of his marriage, but he also embraced a new beginning. If we can honor what is now with a celebration for what was then, it helps to create a transition, a small bridge for our emotions to begin to cross over from the
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“then” to the “now”. It’s like Lillian Helman wrote when she described the title of her novel, “Pentimento.” Pentimento is when the original lines of an artist’s intentions begin to show through the painting as it matures. So you can see what was there before and what is there now. That is what is meant by pentimento; a way of seeing and then seeing again.
If you look at the themes in the book of Genesis -- remember this:
God’s gift to humankind is not to begin, but to begin again.
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A WORD IN GENERAL:
Though some of these stories are fictitious scenarios and some are real, the idea of grief tributes commanding equal time and money as wedding planning receives is not far-fetched. I heard a story of how a woman lost her husband in a boating accident. In paying tribute to him, she made sure that the floor had her husband’s favorite carpeting installed. She dressed the aisles with his favorite trees. And she paid a renowned jazz singer $25,000 to sing “Unforgettable You” to a crowd of 1500 mourners.
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IN THE NEWS:
Are the concepts in this guide book a little crazy? If the news is any evidence -on the contrary -- not at all. In the last month, I have seen articles ranging from a Newark newspaper about one man’s memorial which included a Motorcycle Salute, an online article about one man’s wishes that his ashes be blown from a canon into the sky; another online article about a man’s desire to have his body propped up in his favorite lounge chair watching a loop of his favorite football team on a flat screen tv during the entire funeral service—His wishes were fulfilled. And business-wise, one company announced their new product – video monitors embedded inside headstones for gravesite viewing-on-demand. Another article, from The New York Times, talked about ecofriendly burial sites featuring bio-degradable
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paper-mache urns. A Detroit newspaper wrote a feature about the role of video tributes having become a standard in the funeral service. And a Los Angeles paper wrote about the growing role of “Celebrants” in the funeral service, which I also mention inside my novel The Funeral Planner. In England, funerals for pets are common events. And as Madison predicts inside the novel, Costco now sells caskets.
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The Guide to Grief Wellness The Definitive Guide to Dealing with Loss By Lynn Isenberg and David M. Techner
Provides valuable stories and lessons on matters involving grief
Available online at www.LightsOutEnterprises.com www.TheTributeNetwork.com
Here are examples of how grief etiquette has a direct effect on grief wellness:
You are on vacation on a boat in the Hawaiian Islands. Your wife goes kayaking and never returns. The kayak turns up with a dent in it and your wife is missing. What do you do? And how do you celebrate her life?
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Your ten year old student in elementary school has a freak horse back riding accident and dies. Her classmates don’t know what happened. How do you explain it to them?
Your 17 year old daughter is in a car accident while running an errand for her grandfather. You receive a call about organ donation, what do you do?
Your eleven month- 29 day old child is coming home from the hospital to home hospice with little time to live. In one day she will be one year old? What do you do?
Your son is about to celebrate his bar mitzvah. How do you invite your bestfriends who lost their child that would have been the same age as your son?
Your bestfriend lost her husband. You want to include her in your dinner plans. What do you say? And how do you say it?
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Your son’s bestfriend lost a parent and will be out of school for a week. What do you do?
Your father has passed away. You want to deliver a eulogy. Your siblings are nervous about what you might say or not say. What do you do?
You have a terminal illness and have decided that you want to be cremated; only this causes tremendous pain and conflict for your mother. What do you do?
Your wife and daughter are victims of a shooting. Your daughter is dead. Your wife is in a coma. If your wife wakes up, she must face the fact that her daughter is dead and will not have participated in the decisions or experience of the funeral ritual. What do you do?
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Your spouse passes away after a two year illness in which your role as partner shifted to caregiver. How do you get through the grief? How do you deal with feelings of guilt over the relief that it’s over. And when might be an appropriate time for you to start “living” again? How do you act and what do you say around friends, family, and community?
You are the bestfriend of a woman who just lost her husband. You want to help but you don’t know how. What realistic goals can you give yourself to participate in her healing process? How can you avoid becoming judgmental of her time line for grief—not yours? What do you do? What do you say? How do you say it?
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CONCLUSION
We hope that this guidebook provides you with insights and awareness on preparing and implementing personalized tributes that celebrate life.
Feel free to share your stories, thoughts and ideas at www.LightsOutEnterprises.com.
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RELATED RESOURCES
Grief Wellness: The Definitive Guide to Dealing with Loss Available at www.LightsOutEnterprises.com™
To learn about WORKSHOPS on Grief Wellness & Grief Tributes or retain services of Lights Out Enterprises™ contact
[email protected]
For information and entertainment on All-Things-Tribute-Related or to enter your “tribute video” for broadcast on The Tribute Network™ Visit www.TheTributeNetwork.com™
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“Grief Wellness” and “Grief Tributes” Are part of the non-fiction spin-off series of Grief Guidebooks from the entrepreneurial comedy novel published by Red Dress Ink…
THE FUNERAL PLANNER by Author-Speaker-Entrepreneur Lynn Isenberg (www.LynnIsenberg.com)
Available everywhere in bookstores and online
Grief Tributes
This has been brought to you by Lights Out Enterprises Press An imprint of Focus Media, Inc.
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PLANNER PAGES
Names of Speakers:
Contact Information:
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PLANNER PAGES Music Preferences: (Recorded or live performances)
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PLANNER PAGES Cuisine Preferences:
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PLANNER PAGES Beverage Preferences:
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PLANNER PAGES Location Preferences:
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PLANNER PAGES Reading Preferences:
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PLANNER PAGES Funeral Favor Preferences: (Remembrance items to give away)
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PLANNER PAGES Attendee Preferences:
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PLANNER PAGES Wishes:
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PLANNER PAGES General Ideas:
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