Developing Helping Skills

Developing Helping Skills Maurice A. Howe

Developing Helping Skills is written for a range of professional groups including teachers, clergy, nurses, general practitioners, human resource managers, police, lawyers, childcare professionals and financial consultants. It could be used as either a self-help manual or for group training. Effective counselling skills and insights have much to offer professionals who can promote satisfactory life adjustment and useful coping styles among their clients and colleagues.

Australian Council for Education Research

Skills cover.indd 1

Maurice A. Howe

Maurice Howe, former Head of the Department of Psychology at Swinburne Institute of Technology (now Swinburne University of Technology), has used the material in this book to teach counselling to undergraduate and graduate students in Australia and the United States of America. He is a graduate of the University of Western Australia, has a Masters degree from the University of Melbourne, and a Doctorate in Education from the University of Massachusetts at Amherst. Maurice is a Life Member and Fellow of the Australian Psychological Society, and is a Fellow and former national President of the Australian Human Resources Institute.

Developing Helping Skills

Developing Helping Skills is a useful resource for understanding the aims and developing the essential skills, involved in counselling, helping situations and interviews. In each chapter, the important skills are defined and illustrated, and numerous exercises are provided to help ensure skill building through practise. As you work your way through the chapters, along with the satisfaction of seeing your listening and interviewing skills grow, you will gain a deeper understanding of yourself and will be better able to apply your new or enhanced skills when interacting with others, whether in professional or social situations.

Developing Helping Skills Second edition

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Developing Helping Skills Second edition

Maurice A. Howe

ACER Press

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First published 1978 by Swinburne Applied Behavioural Studies Centre, Hawthorn, Victoria. This edition published 2005 by ACER Press Australian Council for Educational Research Ltd 19 Prospect Hill Road, Camberwell, Victoria 3124 Copyright © Maurice Howe 2005 All rights reserved. Except under the conditions described in the Copyright Act 1968 of Australia and subsequent amendments, no part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise, without the written permission of the publishers. Reproduction and Communication for educational purposes The Australian Copyright Act 1968 (the ACT) allows a maximum of one chapter or 10% of the pages of this book, whichever is the greater, to be reproduced and/or communicated by any educational institution for its educational purposes provided that educational institution (or the body that administers it) has given remuneration notice(s) to Copyright Agency Limited (CAL) under the Act. For details of the CAL licence for educational institutions contact: Copyright Agency Limited Level 19, 157 Liverpool Street Sydney NSW 2000 Telephone: (02) 9394 7600 Facsimile: (02) 9394 7601 Email: [email protected] Edited by Anne Findlay, Editing Works Pty Ltd Text and cover design by Jeni Burton, Divine Design Typeset by Ian Thatcher Printed by Hyde Park Press

National Library of Australia Cataloguing-in-Publication data: Howe, Maurie, 1927– . Developing helping skills. Rev. ed. Bibliography. ISBN 0 86431 723 9. 1. Counseling. 2. Helping behavior. 3. Life skills. I. Title. 158.3

Visit our website: www.acerpress.com.au

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CONTENTS Preface Acknowledgements Chapter 1 Helping Helping World view Respect the client’s culture

Chapter 2

Developing helping skills Program aims Personal goals Personal concerns Ethical issues

Chapter 3

A useful model Keys to helping Your goals What to do Self-awareness

Chapter 4

Attending and contacting Communicating interest Using the telephone Listening

Chapter 5

Getting started Focus on the other Open questions Encouraging Some common traps

Chapter 6

Listening The words spoken Modifiers Check what you heard Aids to effective listening

Chapter 7

Responding empathically Empathy Steps in the process

Chapter 8

Empathy: going deeper What sense does it all make? The Empathy Rating Scale

Chapter 9

Increasing self-awareness Track your own feelings Pay attention to bodily sensations Interpersonal nightmares

Chapter 10 Genuineness and respect Genuineness Respect

Chapter 11 Concreteness and immediacy Concreteness Immediacy

Chapter 12 Summarising and confrontation Summarising Confrontation Interpretation and reframing Focus and selective attention

Appendix Possible responses to exercises References—further reading

iv vii 1 1 3 7 9 10 11 13 15 17 17 18 20 20 25 25 27 27 31 31 32 33 34 37 38 38 39 40 43 43 45 55 55 56 63 63 65 68 73 74 78 81 81 82 89 90 92 95 95 101 107

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Preface Developing Helping Skills has been part of my life for a long time. It was first published in 1978 by the Swinburne Applied Behavioural Studies Centre. At the time, I was Head of the Department of Psychology at Swinburne Institute of Technology (now Swinburne University of Technology) in Hawthorn, Victoria. I had long held that many of the skills and insights gained in research and practice by behavioural scientists could and should be shared with those in the community who had need of them; particularly those in teaching and helping roles. Professional counsellors are necessary in our society, but the more widely the elements of effective counselling are distributed among teachers, clergy, nurses, personnel officers, police and even lawyers, the better will be the chances of satisfactory life adjustment and useful coping styles among members of the community. My dilemma was that the books available in Australia in the 1970s were seemingly all American, which rendered them less than ideal on two counts: on one hand imported books were extremely expensive and, secondly, they were inevitably tainted by the many Americanisms they contained. Australians liked Americans but were rather put off by having so much dished up to them in American terms. So, the answer was to produce a local publication for use in workshops and training situations, and Developing Helping Skills was the outcome of my efforts to achieve such a publication. In writing the book I drew from my experience in teaching interpersonal skill development and also, from a number of publications. I am particularly indebted to my friend Allen Ivey for the micro skills approach that is central to the book, and to Carl Rogers and Robert Carkhuff for the chief components of helping theory. Gerard Egan, Norman Kagan and Virginia Satir are among the others whose ideas and material I found extremely useful and drew from extensively. Throughout the text I have tried to acknowledge all my sources but it is highly likely that I have missed some. The origins of some of the ideas, and particularly the exercises, have long since faded from memory. So, if I have missed acknowledgement of some material, I apologise. Imitation is said to be the highest form of flattery and you can be assured that I have included only exercises that I have found to be effective. While the book will be useful to some who read it on their own, readers will reap greater rewards from its use as a workbook in a training group. My belief is that while iv

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people learn a little from what they read or are told, they learn much more quickly and extensively from experience. The greatest benefit will come from using Developing Helping Skills in a practical program consisting largely of interpersonal exercises and assignments designed to provide learning situations or in some way act to accelerate the acquiring of experience. However, experience alone is not enough. Reflection on this experience and understanding in terms of useful concepts and models is also needed. We need to think about what happens in each situation if we are to gain a better understanding of how we are influencing or contributing to the outcome of the interview or interpersonal interaction. Perhaps, too, I should highlight the fact that we may need a means of looking at what we do and how we do it which is to some extent separate or additional to our own subjective impressions. The Developing Helping Skills program relies, in part, on the use of video or audio recordings and the reports of other people who are cast in the role of observer. The importance of stopping the action, looking at what is going on, trying to understand it and trying to improve effectiveness the next time around, cannot be overstressed. Developing Helping Skills proved to be an idea whose time had come. We used the book in teaching interpersonal skills to undergraduate students and to the many who enrolled in our Developing Helping Skills short course, which was offered to the public. This course ran twice a year for a decade or more and was attended by nurses, school teachers, welfare workers, personnel officers, training officers, social workers, medical doctors and others. After several years of constant use the book was picked up by Shillington House who published it in 1982. Reprints were necessary in 1987 and again in 1988. It has been out of print for some time and a number of people have urged me to bring out a new edition. An interesting development is that the book, written in part because of the perceived need to Australianise the material, should go full circle and find a second home for itself in America. I have resided in Massachusetts since 1988 and have used the book here in teaching counselling skills courses to college undergraduates, to continuing education students, and even to prisoners in medium-security prison and pre-release centres. Allen Ivey has pointed out that micro skills training can itself be a useful form of treatment. There are many situations where a person repeatedly gets into difficulties v

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because of lack of awareness or lack of social skills. Skills of attending effectively, listening to others, added to increased self-awareness and appropriate assertiveness, can help equip such a person to function more effectively socially. This conclusion is supported by research and certainly is consistent with my own experience. It doesn’t take much thought to identify individuals of our acquaintance who might function more effectively if they were more attentive to others and possessed higher levels of awareness as well as the skills covered in this book. In preparing this Revised Edition I have been mindful of the need to amplify and extend the original material, and also to make it as accessible as possible to individuals and groups living in Australia, America and other English-speaking places with a predominantly Anglo-American culture. I hope my efforts are successful and meet with your satisfaction. I would be delighted to receive any comments and suggestions. My e-mail address is [email protected] Maurice A. Howe

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Acknowledgements My thanks are given to Allen E. Ivey and the publisher, Allyn and Bacon, for permission to reproduce certain parts of the Study guide for counseling and psychotherapy: a multicultural perspective (3rd edn), 1993. Thanks also to the publisher for permission to use material on awareness from John O. Stevens 1971, Awareness; exploring, experimenting, experiencing, Axis Publishing, Herts, UK. The acronym SOLVER in chapter 4 is based on that of Gerard Egan 1985, The skilled helper, Brooks/Cole Publishing Company, Monterey, California; and the manipulative role play in chapter 10 is based on material from Lawrence M. Brammer/Everett L. Shostrom 1977, Therapeutic psychology: fundamentals of counseling and psychotherapy (3rd edn), Prentice-Hall, Englewood Cliffs, New Jersey. Permission was sought for use of these materials, but in recent years there have been several changes in publishers and, regrettably, efforts to contact copyright holders have been unsuccessful. Thanks to others whose ideas have been helpful in preparing this book are provided in the text. Ideas and exercises have been refined and extended by contact with many students who have undertaken the Developing Helping Skills program over the years and also, by those who have taught it with me. To all these people I extend my thanks. And finally I wish to acknowledge the assistance provided by ACER Publishing staff, particularly Anne Peterson and Joy Whitton, and to Anne Findlay of Editing Works Pty Ltd, who edited the text. The interest and support of all have been much appreciated.

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CHAPTER 1

Helping In this chapter two important concepts are introduced: • the term ‘helping’ and how it is used throughout this book; and • ‘world view’. This reminds the reader that all individuals are not the same and that differences in background and outlook must be taken into account in our helping behaviour.

Helping What are we talking about here? Lending me some money? Bailing me out of a jam? Helping me rake the leaves from my nature strip? Telling me what to do? Or what? The word ‘helping’, as we use it here, refers to how we respond to other people when they share with us—either by their words or behaviour—something that indicates they have a problem and need help in dealing with the situation. They are angry, sad, lost— figuratively if not literally. How are we going to interact with them in a way that will be helpful? Good intentions are not enough to ensure that we are going to be helpful. With the best will in the world we can antagonise others by failing to understand their needs; or often we can give them suggestions that are far from helpful. In our society there are people who are trained as professional helpers— psychotherapists, psychologists, social workers, psychiatrists, and others such as members of the clergy and doctors, for whom helping people resolve situations is an everyday occurrence. Usually, the work these people perform is known as psychotherapy or counselling. And there are many others—nurses, teachers, police, lawyers, hospital volunteers, personnel officers, and even hairdressers and bartenders—for whom, inevitably, there is an element of helping or counselling in their day-to-day work. Think 1

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about it. Who are the people with whom you share your problems and concerns? Maybe these people include your spouse or sibling, your best friend, and of course sometimes, people with special knowledge and know-how: a financial adviser, for example. There are many people who are called upon to be helpful to others and for whom some understanding of the basics involved in this helping process would be an advantage—would help them do their jobs better. Beyond understanding, development of actual helping skills will be a worthwhile pursuit for all such people. Maybe it won’t come as a surprise to learn that many psychologists and others have studied the process of helping and have isolated a number of elements that go into making it effective. Others have developed effective ways of teaching and learning the skills involved. There is now much evidence that successful counselling or helping is a process that consists of stages, and elements, which can be identified, and conceptually separated. Associated with these stages are a number of skills necessary for the counsellor, skills that can be identified, taught and learned. The approach presented here is one in which learning of each skill proceeds from observing, to identifying and practising the component tasks, under conditions which provide maximum available feedback. The process is of course an ongoing one. Review, consolidation and practice, as in any skill development program, are likely to lead to the attainment of higher levels of competence. I have taught a program based on the information and exercises presented in this book for more than 25 years, and have seen people develop into very effective helpers. In a class situation others can act as observers and give you feedback, and video cameras can be used to play back how you looked and sounded when you were talking to a person about their problem or concern. Such feedback is very helpful and can speed up the learning process considerably. If, however, such means are not available to you, perhaps an audiotape recorder can be used to review what you said in response to the other and how effective it seemed to be. The ultimate feedback comes from the person counselled: Did they seem inclined to talk freely? Did they seem relieved? Did they sound convinced when they said that talking to you had been helpful or were they just being polite? And best of all—did they act in a constructive manner following the exchange? 2

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All too often the word ‘counselling’ is used to signify advising, telling the other person what to do, telling them what you would do in their situation, laying it out straight. Unfortunately, this approach of giving advice is rarely very helpful and it is for this reason that I have chosen to use the word ‘helping’. Giving advice at best is a palliative. It may help the person deal with a troublesome situation but what it does not do is help the person understand what is going on and therefore, does not lead them to see general principles of what to do about such situations: what causes the difficulty and how this can be reduced in future. Further, taking advice fosters dependence on others. You get in a scrape again, and again you seek advice rather than fall back on your own problem-solving resources. The skills described and practised here are entirely relevant and appropriate to the professional counselling process but I want to use the ‘helping’ term wherever possible, in order to get away from the notion of giving advice. Telling someone what to do may get them through their immediate difficulty, but it will be much more useful in the long run if you can help them understand how they may be contributing to the problem and help them develop skills to cope with such situations effectively.

World view ‘World view’ is like a particular set of glasses we wear that influences and, to some extent, shapes what we see and how we interpret the world around us—everyday happenings, the things we do and the things other people do to us. There is no escaping ‘world view’. As we are raised and grow we develop particular attitudes and ways of interpreting events, whether we want to or not. And like glasses, if we wear them all the time, we become quite unconscious of the fact that we are seeing everything with a particular bias. Further, we are inclined to believe that our way of seeing the world gives a ‘true’ picture and that other people’s views—insofar as they differ from ours—are distorted or false. To operate effectively as a helper or counsellor we need first to gain sharp awareness of our own particular viewpoint and then a flexibility that will enable us not only to tolerate other people’s views of events but also even to find them valid and full of interesting possibilities. 3

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It is important to emphasise that there is nothing wrong with ‘world view’. We all have one and it is quite natural that we do. The main thing to keep in mind is that your world view is likely to differ in important ways from my world view. If I am to be helpful to you I need to understand where you are coming from and how this differs from where I’m coming from. We will have to make certain adjustments and allowances for the other person’s background. A simple example is that we may need to modify our language in order to be better understood. A couple of examples will serve to further illustrate the point. Those of us raised in the middle-class North European tradition will have no difficulty accepting the individual focus of much of what has been written about helping and counselling. In fact it will be natural for us to view things this way. The individual has a problem and it is up to the individual to solve it. However, in contrast to this, people from a number of other cultural backgrounds may see this individual focus as not only selfish but also as dysfunctional. If I have a problem of course it is of concern to others, affects others, and I will need to look for the solution within and with the aid of the family or group to which I belong. In these days when much emphasis is placed on diversity, we will need to keep this distinction in mind. Even the heavy bias towards the masculine viewpoint with its linear, goal-directed orientation must be considered. Feminine ways of thinking about situations are much more relational and this distinction is vital. Men, if you need any proof of this, listen in on a telephone conversation between two women. Typically, the conversation will be longer and will cover much detail that clearly is of great interest to the parties concerned. Enquiries about family members will not stop at the superficial but will penetrate to the heart of the matter, in each case. The lesson for us is that we need to be constantly alert to the possibility that the other person is seeing things differently from us—their values may be substantially different—and that from their viewpoint what they are saying is perfectly valid or even correct. Now let us take this a step further. Some of these points will become a little clearer if you try your hand at Exercise 1.1.

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Exercise 1.1 Check out how well you grasped what the term ‘helping’ means in this book. A good way to do this is to tell a friend that you are reading this book about ‘helping’ and that you would like to use them to try out what you understand about this term. After you have attempted this you can go back and read the relevant paragraphs above. Both of you should do this, if the other is willing, so that you can then have a discussion about your understanding and thoughts on the matter. Make some notes below.

Exercise 1.2 Read the following interview excerpt. A woman student in her late twenties has this to say: ’I have a problem with my husband ... and (softly) school. He wants me to stay home with him. He’s handicapped—can’t work or anything—and he got used to me being home with him all the time this summer, and now I’m at school all the time and when I’m home I’m doing homework. I feel like it’s my fault that he’s upset because I’m not doing what he wants me to do. I’m confused. I don’t know whether I’m right or wrong. I feel like I’m being selfish. I don’t know where to set my priorities. I was brought up in a family where you were supposed to go to school and get a really good job—you were meant to better yourself. It follows that I’m doing the right thing. But he comes along and says according to his religion the wife should try to please the husband. He says I’m doing the wrong thing. And I do want to please him.’

As you read it, what aspects in this statement struck you as most important to the woman, that is which ones would you want to comment on or draw attention to? Which would you want to ask more about? Which aspects of her story were most at variance from your own experience and attitudes? Now imagine you are feeling well disposed towards this woman, what would you say to her in your attempt to be helpful? 5

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How would you state this woman’s problem in terms of ‘world view’?

Which position—hers or her husband’s—do you find yourself most in sympathy with?

Can you identify any aspect of this woman’s story that presents you with a conflict of values, that is anything on which your personal views appear to differ sharply from hers?

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Now that you have thought about it more, what approach to this problem do you think is most likely to be productive? What would you be likely to say to her now? What would be your reasoning behind this? How would this differ from what you thought you’d say when you responded to the first part of the exercise above?

What questions did this exercise raise for you? Make a note of them so that you can look for comments and answers in succeeding chapters.

Respect the client’s culture Treat the client as you would like to be treated. Put yourself in his or her place. Every person deserves to be treated with respect, dignity, kindness and honesty. In particular, respect for the client’s individual circumstances, cultural background and outlook is something to be given priority. However, this approach may be fraught with difficulties. Emphasis on cultural issues can lead at times to stereotyping a person. And, in reverse, an overemphasis on individuality may lead us to overlook background and multicultural issues. One result of our particular ‘world view’ is that all too often we fall into set ways of looking at situations and become less flexible in approach. It is natural to develop a 7

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particular set of views, attitudes and values and to reflect these in our relationships and interactions with others. In helping others therefore, there is particular need for awareness of our own biases and positions on issues. We need to develop acceptance of other people’s views and learn to tolerate diversity. And related to this, the ability to see a number of possibilities in each situation and life event needs to be cultivated and to be passed on to those we would help. Very often the client is stuck because they have only one way to look at a situation and this way is one that happens not to be very functional—it does not lead to constructive attitudes or action. A major task is to help the client redefine the situation and to see fresh possibilities and solutions. At the same time, the freshness of approach and new possibilities need to be consistent with the person’s cultural values. As helpers we must avoid any tendency to impose our solutions. Rather our task is to help the other person to find solutions that are comfortable—or at least not at variance—with their cultural background. In pursuing this whole endeavour there is a need to respect the other person and to display an ethical approach—one, at a minimum, that does no harm.

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CHAPTER 2

Developing helping skills Once they have a good understanding of ‘helping’ and being aware of their ‘world view’, readers can clarify and explore the following skills as outlined in this chapter: • important attitudes and some beginning skills involved in effective helping • their personal goals, their strengths and weaknesses in respect to counselling skills; as well as • taking the opportunity to examine some of their own concerns.

For teaching and learning purposes, the helping interview may be seen as utilising a number of identifiable skills, which can be mastered in isolation from each other and then combined and used as appropriate by the counsellor. The person who has a good understanding of how and when to use these skills is well on the way to mastering the whole helping interview process. Of course, the would-be helper must be able to select the appropriate skill or set of skills and also, to execute them in a competent manner. Skilled performance starts with clear understanding (derived from clear explanation and behavioural demonstration), followed by practice under conditions where the performance is monitored and feedback is given, followed again by more practice in which the learner has the opportunity to take account of the feedback obtained. The process is ongoing and leads to successive stages of understanding and skill development. Developing helping skills is by nature a workbook. A large part of it consists of exercises, assignments and suggestions aimed at encouraging readers to increase selfawareness and to try fresh ways of listening, responding and helping others. 9

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The material presented is derived from several sources. The training approach owes much to Carkhuff, Egan, Ivey, Kagan and others who in turn have drawn on the research and practice of people such as Carl Rogers. The skills focused on are taken from those first identified by Ivey. It should be noted that the Developing Helping Skills program does not deal with all the skills involved in effective counselling. Most emphasis is given to important attitudes and some beginning skills, which constitute a foundation upon which other elements may be built.

Program aims Specifically, the program has the following aims. •

To increase understanding of the counselling process.

•

To develop certain attitudes which are helpful in counselling: a set of attitudes which give priority to helping the other to explore, understand, act, as opposed to giving advice, suggestions or solutions; dealing with here-and-now issues and feelings as opposed to there-and-then; a valuing of genuineness (including appropriate selfdisclosure) and respect for the other person’s identity and capacity to take constructive action.

•

To develop skills in attending, listening and responding empathically during counselling-type interviews, techniques that help the other to explore and clarify personal concerns and problems.

•

To increase awareness of students’ own modes of interpersonal functioning (that is, to increase self-awareness and sensitivity to the impressions given to others). The body of the book deals with the skills of attending, engaging the other through

the use of open questions, and responding empathically to what is said. Collectively, these are sometimes described as listening skills. They encourage talk and exploration and start to promote insight and understanding. The later chapters cover the importance of being respectful and, at the same time, genuine in the encounter. These attitudes, carried into behaviour, encourage the building of trust and confidence to risk engaging in some new ways of thinking and behaving. Directing the other to focus on concrete instances as opposed to vague thoughts and impressions accelerates this process. The immediate situation of the interview itself often provides a kind of laboratory in which further understanding and exploration takes place. Finally, skills of summarisation and confrontation are introduced as a hint of things to come. 10

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The book can be read and used by individuals, but greater gain will come from working through the material in company with others who are pursuing the same goals. Many of the exercises are presented with this in mind. The small group provides an excellent setting for interpersonal skills learning. A group is not only more economical of time and resources but working in a group provides opportunities for trying out ideas and practices in a relatively safe, sheltered environment. Such a setting tends to be conducive to a little risk taking. Also, the group tends to supply useful feedback, encouragement, a range of models and personal styles to learn from and a variety of useful techniques and ideas. The framework presented will not cater for all needs but it does offer scope for considerable differences in emphasis. Some will want to skim over parts of the book and concentrate on other parts, to use some exercises but not others. The approach will be determined by the nature and strength of the individual’s need in each case and by practical considerations, such as how much time is available for work and practice. Most frequently the material has been used in a course of 10 sessions, each of three hours duration, held at weekly intervals. This allows exercises from all sections to be attempted and for the skills to be tried out and developed between sessions in the person’s home setting. Some homework assignments are given to suggest the kinds of application and practice, which will help consolidate learning. Changes in behaviour rarely occur spontaneously. They require effort, which in turn is a product of motivation and commitment. A basic assumption underlying the presentation of the material is that those who use it will do so from a genuine desire to improve their effectiveness in interpersonal situations and will be prepared to spend time and effort in the task. There is now considerable evidence that those who approach it in this way are likely to be rewarded with the personal changes and development they seek.

Personal goals In addition to motivation, one further thing is needed. That is, to know what it is you want to achieve by taking this program. Perhaps at this stage you haven’t thought about it in detail or you have only a vague idea of your personal goals. 11

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How will you know if you have achieved your aims if you don’t know what they are? You will need to take time to think about this and, to help clarify where you stand, you are invited to complete Exercise 2.1 before you proceed further.

Exercise 2.1 What do you hope to get from reading this book and trying the exercises it contains? On what aspects of the helping process do you want to concentrate your efforts? (It may help to read Chapter 3 at this stage and then come back to this question.) Which of your skills do you feel best about? What are the aspects of interviewing or counselling which worry you or you find difficult? Please take time to think about these and any related questions that occur to you. Be as specific as possible. In the interests of clarifying where you stand, prepare a brief written statement of your aims and objectives in reading the book. Make a summary of these below. My overall goal is:

Some specific aspects of interviewing I want to concentrate on are: a

b

c

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d

e

I will have achieved my goals if at the end of this course I am able to: a

b

c

d

e

Personal concerns A related matter is that the training approach used in this program places considerable stress on dealing with your own concerns. Rather than practice interviews with real or role-played clients it is suggested that you take the opportunity to work on some concerns of your own. We suggest that you take time to work quietly through Exercise 2.2 and list some unresolved problems, things you don’t like about yourself and want to change, skills you lack, and so on. Not all of these may be appropriate to explore in these training sessions, some may be too intimate or you may simply decide you do not want to work on them in this setting. But see if you can end up with a list of concerns that might be worked on. How do they relate to each other? Is there some theme running through them that might be explored? 13

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It is perhaps worth commenting that very little can be gained unless there is some risk. Not only does this apply to listing your own concerns and attempting to deal with them but also in other ways such as choosing to work with people who are unfamiliar or even strange to you. Also throughout the program there will be opportunities to gain feedback from video and audiotape recordings. This experience is one that most people enter with some hesitation. Examine your feelings. Use this experience as yet one more means for self-exploration. In other words, use the whole course to sample as wide a range of experiences as possible. See how many ways you can find to use it. And finally, give feedback to others. The whole process will be enriched if sharing and feedback are at a maximum, if people openly report what they experience in a way that demonstrates caring for the others in the group.

Exercise 2.2 If you are to talk about yourself in the training sessions you will want to take some time to decide which aspects of yourself would be appropriate to explore. Start by thinking back over the social contacts you have had during the last week or so: perhaps there were particular people with whom you felt uncomfortable or shy or irritated, or situations you would like to have handled better. Jot down a few notes using the framework set out below. Go through the notes and cross out anything that you decide is too intimate to talk about or is inappropriate. Highlight anything you are bothered by and would especially like to look into. Three recent interpersonal situations I would like to have handled better are: a

b

c

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Some personal concerns I would like to work on in this course are: a

b

c

Ethical issues Some important ethical issues arise in all of this. The effectiveness of the helping or counselling process rests heavily on trust between the two parties, the helper and the one being helped. Probably you thought about this when you completed Exercise 2.2—would I trust another person (especially a stranger) with information about myself? Ultimately, you are responsible for respecting the confidential nature of all communication between yourself and the person you are trying to help. Trust is an essential ingredient in the effectiveness of helping and must be earned over time. Second, recognise your limitations. It is vital that you maintain an egalitarian atmosphere with any volunteer ‘clients’. Share with them before you begin, the constraints of the situation. Inform them that they are free to stop the process at any time. Do not use the interview as a place to delve into the life of another human being. The interview is for helping others not for satisfying your curiosity. As you practise the exercises be sure to remain in consultation with your workshop leader or other appropriate mentor. Helping and counselling are often very private, and challenging issues often arise. It is important that you constantly obtain supervision and consultation as you proceed in this work. Be honest with yourself as well as the other person. And remember to treat your ‘client’ as you yourself would like to be treated. 15

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Notes

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CHAPTER 3

A useful model This chapter builds on the student’s self-awareness and self-identified goals from the previous chapter and discusses: • the starting point for successful helping—the existence of certain helper attitudes which lead to a facilitative relationship • the key attributes required—helper genuineness, respect for the client and the ability to respond empathically; and • the aims of a counsellor—to help the client in a process of selfexploration, self-understanding, and constructive action.

The model presented here has been around a long time but remains a very useful way of structuring the helping or counselling process. Certainly, there have been many other useful systems developed before and since this approach was introduced. While most of these other systems have been developed as ways of proceeding with psychotherapy, this one addresses the underlying or basic skills required and is applicable to a whole raft of helping-oriented interviews. In short, it gets to the basics on which other more sophisticated approaches can build.

Keys to helping Carl Rogers initially, and others since, amassed much evidence that the most helpful thing a person can do for another person who has a problem is to provide the sort of conditions which will facilitate exploration of the problem and, more generally, personal growth. They believe that the key lies in the relationship between counsellor and client, 17

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helper and person helped, and that certain attitudes need to be present in the counsellor and perceived by the client. Rogers and his colleagues established in their own clinical experience and through research that key attributes were congruence (the counsellor being themselves, being genuine, a real person in the relationship), unconditional positive regard (being able to respect the client as a worthwhile person, being able to prize their uniqueness), and empathy (being able to tune in to the experience of the client each moment, being aware of this experience as though it was their own and communicating this awareness to the client). If the counsellor has these attitudes towards the person seeking help and reveals them in their behaviour, the outcome of their interaction will be positive. Robert Carkhuff took the matter further. He established that not only were these characteristics of effective helpers present to a greater or lesser extent in many different people, but also these attitudes and certain personal skills that accompany them can be taught. Over a period he refined and added to the basic concepts, developed scales for use in rating various aspects of interpersonal behaviour and demonstrated how these skills could be learned in a training group. An important aspect of Carkhuff’s work was to show that the capacity for learning these skills is little if at all related to formal education and training in psychology. Many people—school teachers, personnel officers, members of the clergy, physiotherapists, police officers, welfare workers, or whatever—need skills in listening, contacting, responding to other people and each has some potential for learning them. Carkhuff did much to systematise thinking about the helping process and the skills that accompany its different phases. His conceptual model is useful in providing a sense of underlying structure to what otherwise can seem a formless never-ending flow of talk.

Your goals The starting point of this model is that a person seeking help is often confused and unable to distinguish clearly the elements in some unresolved situation. The clearest component is often the emotional state—anxiety, depression, sadness, agitation, nervousness—that is being experienced. What is needed at this stage is help to clarify the 18

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whole matrix. The helper’s goal is to provide a situation which will facilitate the client’s self-exploration. Self-exploration is the first goal of helping. Then, as self-exploration proceeds, there can start to be some connecting of the dots, the development of some measure of understanding. The person can start to see what he is doing to himself, what she is allowing others to do to her, how his emotional experience connects with people and events, and what lines of action are open to her in order to bring about change. In this way the exploration can lead to understanding. Selfunderstanding is the second goal of helping. As understanding increases it can lead to the sorting out of likely outcomes, of different strategies and lines of action. Some of these strategies can be tried and the outcomes experienced and evaluated. Constructive action is the third goal of helping and can generate experience for further exploration, which in turn, can lead to fresh insights and understanding and modified action programs. And so on. No matter whether the interaction between helper and person helped is an ongoing one, as between teacher and pupil or counsellor and client, or whether it is a single interview between say, a personnel officer and a job applicant, this model is a useful one in providing guidelines on how to proceed. It is not, of course, the only conceptual model that could be used, but it is the one that will be used throughout this program. However, only the barest outline of the model and nothing of the research behind it will be presented. A list of references is provided at the end of this book as a guide for any who may wish to read further about the origins of this work. Certain skills and behaviours on the part of the counsellor or helper can facilitate the process that Carkhuff described. In the first place, the counsellor must be available, must be seen to be attentive, before the client will want to share something of their concerns. The sharing is often seen as a risky business and may be highly embarrassing to the client. Is this the sort of person I can talk to? Is this person interested in me? Will they respect my confidence? Can I trust him or her? These sorts of questions are often very much in mind as the person sizes up the would-be helper. And even if the helper passes the test, and is given the benefit of the doubt, the client’s first steps are likely to be tentative and small. There is often a testing of the waters before taking the plunge. 19

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What to do The helpful person listens and responds in ways that acknowledge the feelings of the other. They use questions that allow the client to lead and to say whatever is on their mind. They help the client to elaborate and clarify, to become clearer about their perceptions and feelings. The effective helper is accepting and non-judgmental and tries to keep out of the way while the other is engaged in self-exploration. As the relationship is established and the helping process continues, other skills and behaviours are needed. Empathic understanding can deepen and be expressed more fully; there can be a picking up on themes and a greater use of confrontation in pointing to apparent inconsistencies and issues that are being avoided. There can be greater immediacy and some drawing from the helper’s own experience and reactions. In this way there may be a shift in emphasis from being receptive and attentive to a more active role of stimulating and encouraging the other towards constructive action.

Self-awareness And what of the counsellor or helper? Earlier it was pointed out that he or she needed to be congruent or real in the relationship. In this regard it is important that the training experience (this or any other) be used to the full as a means of increasing awareness and for the counsellor’s own self-exploration, understanding and action. Considerable selfawareness is needed if we are to distinguish between our own thoughts and feelings and those of our clients. Most of us have a tendency to bounce our ideas off other people, to hear them say the things we want them to say and, as helpers, we must avoid this tendency and be able to distinguish clearly between our own feelings and concerns and those of the person we are trying to help. The major elements, processes and goals involved in counsellor effectiveness from the viewpoint spelled out in this chapter are detailed in Figure 1. Principal works relevant to this model by the authors mentioned in the footnotes are listed under references at the end of the book. Note that while each of these authors has other published works, the ones cited here are the earliest that bear on our particular model. 20

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Reference to the contents page in this present volume will provide a quick overview of how the material in it relates to the model. The program is organised around the attitudes and skills involved in the helping relationship with major focus on the beginning stages in the counselling process. A guide showing the links with the model appears as Figure 2.

Exercise 3.1 Try explaining the Helping Model to someone who has not read this material. Note any sections that are unclear to you and any questions you cannot answer.

Re-read Chapter 3 in order to clarify and consolidate your understanding of the main ideas. What are the three goals of helping? a

b

c

What part does the helper play in the process?

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Explain the importance of the counselling relationship.

Can you personalise this: think back to an occasion when someone helped you, how important was your personal relationship with this helpful person? What did they do that made the contact helpful?

Notes Points that have struck me the most in reading this book so far are:

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Counsellor effectiveness starts with

The helping relationship starts with

(1) Helpful attitudes

• Genuineness

Client problem solving starts with Self-exploration

• Respect • Accurate empathy • Concreteness

(2) Effective skills and behaviour

• Attending • Contacting • Listening responses which

Self-understanding

• Acknowledge feelings

(3) Self-awareness

• Listening for themes and gaps • Immediacy

Constructive action

• Self-disclosure • Confrontation

(4) Stimulating and encouraging • Constructive action • Problem solving • Skills acquisition Figure 1: The Helping Model (based on the work of R.R. Carkhuff) 1 Rogers’ (1957) work, supplemented by Truax and Carkhuff. 2 Analysed into discrete elements by Ivey. 3 Major breakthrough from Kagan with Interpersonal Process Recall (IPR). 4 The place of specialised techniques such as Behaviour Modification and Ellis’ Rational Emotive Therapy.

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The helping relationship starts with: • Genuineness

10, pages 74–77

• Respect • Accurate empathy

10, pages 78–79 7, pages 43–45; 8, pages 55–59

• Concreteness

11, pages 81–82

• Attending

4, pages 25–27

• Contacting • Listening

5, pages 31–34; 6, pages 39–40 6, pages 37–39; 7, pages 44–46

Responses which • Acknowledge feelings Help the other

3, pages 20; 7, pages 43–46; 8, pages 56–59

• Elaborate and clarify

3, pages 18–20; 8, page 56

Listening for themes and gaps • Immediacy • Self-disclosure • Confrontation

9, page 64; 11, pages 82–83 9, pages 63–64 12, pages 92–93

Figure 2: Links between the Helping Model and Developing helping skills–Chapter and page references.

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CHAPTER 4

Attending and contacting The next step in the learning process is to conduct an interview: • the first requirement is that the helper pays full attention to the client (this is referred to as ‘attending’) • attending involves both physical and psychological elements that must be comfortable for the helper and the client.

Communicating interest The first requirement in successful interviewing is that the helper and client are in good contact. The main responsibility for making this happen lies with the helper who must give the client full attention. Ivey’s micro skills approach is to break the skill of attending into its elements so that they can be focused on, understood and learned. Within the European–American culture certain behaviours communicate that we are attending and, while there are individual differences, the most common pattern can be summarised by the acronym SOLVER (an adaptation of Egan’s acronym SOLER): S

Square-on or facing position. Adopting a front-on position indicates that we want to fully see and be seen by the other person.

O Open posture. Our overall posture needs to be open and inviting as opposed to closed and defensive. L

Lean slightly forward. This signals a willingness to come towards the other.

V Verbal comments and responses show we are paying attention, provided the vocal tone shows interest and the remarks are on the topic. E Eye contact needs to be established and maintained at a comfortable level. R Relax. Show the other that you are comfortable and fully available to hear what he or she has to say. 25

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I invite you to check the validity of this set of behaviours by reflecting on your own experience. Try to recall a situation in your own life when you were worried about something or had an important decision to make and you talked to someone else about it. Was the person helpful? How did they achieve this? What did they do? Or, if the person was not helpful, what did they do that prevented the outcome from being positive? SOLVER provides a useful checklist, a quick formula you can use to test your own behaviour. Maybe you will deliberately depart from the model from time to time. Individuals differ greatly and it may be, for example, that your client is shy and easily overwhelmed by the interviewer who faces them, looks at them steadily and hangs on their every word. Physical distance and eye contact are aspects most likely to cause problems. And don’t forget that cultural differences are likely to be pronounced. In some cultures it may be more appropriate to sit alongside the person you are helping, and eye contact may be minimal while the other is talking. In short, from a multicultural perspective, SOLVER may not always be appropriate. Be sensitive and flexible. Take a little time to establish what appears to be a comfortable pattern of attending to the particular individual who is in front of you. Eye contact perhaps needs a special word. Certainly we indicate to another that they have our attention when we look directly at them, but we can overdo it. There needs to be a natural contacting, including variation and movement in our gaze rather than a fixed stare. Unbroken eye contact can be a source of distraction or even embarrassment. It can give the person the feeling that they are being put on the spot. To attend to another you must be feeling fairly comfortable and as relaxed as possible yourself. Your comfortableness will show and will convey that you have the time and inclination to listen. Perhaps also, it will help give the impression that you are at ease within yourself, that you are someone who is not only prepared to listen, but also that you are a person who has the capacity to respond calmly and with good sense. The other side of the coin is that tenseness or physical discomfort of any kind is likely to distract you by claiming your attention from time to time. Also, your tense appearance will show and may discourage the other from opening up and talking to you, especially about sensitive personal issues. 26

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We can also show that we are attending by the appropriateness of our verbal responses, nods and ‘mms’. When we summarise, comment or ask relevant questions we indicate interest and the degree to which we are ‘with’ the other person. The other will know you are attending if your comments relate directly to what they are saying.

Using the telephone Much of the above about attending in face-to-face situations applies also to phone contacts. Of course, whether we have an open posture or lean forward is of little consequence as we cannot communicate these postural elements by voice alone. Clearly, what we say, our tone and our willingness to listen are the key elements. Be sure to allow the other full opportunity to say what he or she wants to say, summarise back what you are being told, ask questions if it is not clear what the other is saying, and don’t hesitate to ask for a repetition of anything you didn’t hear distinctly. We want the other person to know that what they have to say is important to us and that we are taking it seriously and that we want to be helpful. Be sure to check out whether the other is satisfied with the outcome of the interaction. Did you get it right?

Listening One of the most important discoveries a would-be helper can make is just how much can be accomplished by effective attending and listening. The fact that someone else— indeed, someone like you—is taking us seriously and giving us undivided attention causes us to focus, to take ourselves seriously and to really have a look at what is going on. But whether this is the correct explanation or not, you will soon learn that the micro skills of attending and listening, effectively applied, do make a considerable impact. We will have more to say about listening later. 27

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Exercise 4.1 Find someone to work with you and teach them by explanation and demonstration how to attend to another person. Assume that your partner has not read the above account. When you have finished, ask your partner how they found this experience. Did they feel that you covered all the bases or did they have any suggestions as to what else might have been included. What aspects of attending are especially important for them?

Exercise 4.2 How do you experience attending and non-attending? Pair up with the same or another partner. Interview this person (about their career goals or a problem they have been having at work) and after an initial period of a minute or two attending change to a non-attending mode (not facing, little or no eye contact, leaning back, looking at your watch, whatever occurs to you), then change back to attending. What effect did the switching from attending to non-attending and back to attending have on the interview? How did your partner experience this? How did you experience it? Did any of your non-attending strategies feel familiar? If so, which? After discussing these questions, reverse roles and try the exercise again. How did each of you experience it this time? Note anything that particularly impressed you below.

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Exercise 4.3 The exercises we have been doing are applicable to many inter-personal situations— those involving friends, family, members of your work group. Over the next few days pay particular attention to the ways you contact other people, to your physical positioning, eye contact, and how you indicate that you are listening. This may seem strange or artificial at first but do it anyway. Observe closely what happens. What do you learn from this experience?

The first time I tried this I noticed:

The second time my experience was :

Exercise 4.4 Most of us work in a particular setting where the physical arrangements are fairly constant. Take time to examine the area in which you work: how is it arranged at present and how might this arrangement be changed to improve availability to others? Try moving your chair (and if it seems desirable, other furniture) and notice what difference it makes. What I tried was:

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The effect of this seemed to be:

Notes

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CHAPTER 5

Getting started This chapter continues the interview process, exploring techniques that the helper can use to bring about the process of self-exploration in the client: • open questions help the client to begin the process of self-exploration • counsellor interventions are kept to a minimum • by using open questions the helper encourages the client to clarify, to become more concrete and less vague.

Focus on the other Our first aim as a helper is somehow to facilitate the process of self-exploration in the one who has come for help. This needs to be stressed. Our goal is to help the other to explore and clarify. It is not primarily to gain a clear picture for ourselves. Many times the person experiencing a problem approaches a counsellor in order to be advised. The situation seems beyond them and they want to be told what to do. This seems natural enough—it is our mind-set with respect to certain other professionals such as financial advisers or lawyers—but is not necessarily the most helpful way to go about finding a solution to our personal problem. Let us suppose that the counsellor is a very wise person and that they, through whatever means, come up with a solution which seems to work for the person concerned (the chances of this happening are not great but let us suppose). What happens then? The person needing help is likely to be encouraged in their view that they are less able to handle their problems than someone else is, that the way out of a dilemma that arises in the future is to go back for more advice. In short, they are more likely to learn dependency than problem-solving 31

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techniques and strategies. Furthermore, if the solution does not work they have the perfect ‘out’: it was someone else’s idea and therefore, the failure is also theirs, it is their fault. Or, in the extreme case, ‘Not even a professional could solve my problem.’ We can render a much greater service by helping the person sort out and deal with their own problems. So, to return to our starting point, let us initially focus on how we can help them in the process of self-exploration. Elements likely to be present in the first helping encounter are confusion or, at least, lack of clarity, and also considerable emotion—feelings of frustration, anger, anxiety, depression, helplessness—in varying strengths and combinations. Our job at this stage is to help the person explore and clarify what may appear to be an insoluble situation. We begin by attending, but what then? Probably the first essentials are to ask the right kinds of questions, encourage the other person to talk, to express feelings, and to enable them to do all this by talking as little as possible ourselves.

Open questions Questions like: ‘What’s on your mind?’; ‘How does that make you feel?’; ‘Can you tell me more about that?’ allow the person a good deal of freedom in answering. Such questions are often called open questions, and may be contrasted to closed questions like: ‘Do you get on well with your wife?’; ‘How long is it since you last felt this way?’; ‘Have you told your employer?’ This latter kind of question usually elicits a response of only a word or two and, therefore, is less likely to lead to an opening up of new material. Closed questions do have their place. For example, they are useful in pinning down the factual aspects of a conversation. However, they do not deserve much attention here as they are the kind of question that most people use most of the time. They seem to come naturally. The open question, on the other hand, may require considerable conscious practice. Open questions start with the words What, How, Why and Could and are used to obtain the client’s thoughts and opinions, feelings and reasons. (What was happening to you at the time? How did that affect you? Why did you choose to go about it that way? Could you give me an example of that?) Closed questions, on the other hand, are used to obtain specific information. (And your father, is he still alive? Do you still live in the 32

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same house?) Closed questions are strongly dictated by the interviewer and are likely to elicit only a word or a brief sentence response. Open questions give the client much more freedom and call on them to describe events and their subjective meaning at much greater length. Open questions are the ones you will want to use most of the time, especially in the opening stages of the work. The client is likely to be sensitive to more than the actual words spoken. The general manner of the counsellor together with the tone of voice used will have a lot to do with how questions are received. Questions beginning with ‘Why’ are especially likely to be heard as challenging and confrontational and therefore, should be used sparingly and with caution. ‘Why did you do that?’ can sound curt, as though you are putting the client on the spot, and can result in a defensive response. It is often better to avoid ‘Why’ questions and to substitute something else such as ‘What led you to tackle it that way?’

Encouraging Once started, the client is likely to expound on their situation or problem at some length and, during this time, any response from the counsellor should be minimal. Head nods or ‘Mmms’ may be enough (but don’t overdo them), or you may need to encourage the client to continue by repeating his or her last word or a short phrase that seemed to stand out. One-word questions—‘Then?’ ‘So?’ ‘And?’—will often be enough to encourage the person to continue or elaborate. Use of a questioning tone will suggest that you would like to hear more about that particular topic. In addition to the use of open questions it is helpful to encourage the person to be more concrete and less vague. A useful criterion here is to ask yourself whether you are getting a clear picture. If not, ask such questions as: ‘Could you tell me more about that?’; ‘Can you give me an example?’; ‘I’m having difficulty with that. What do you mean when you say . . .?’ The use of such questions can help the other person get a clearer picture in their mind as well as clarifying the situation for you. Rather more will be said about feelings later. For now it will be sufficient to say that it is usually helpful to encourage expression of feelings and also to acknowledge their expression: ‘You seem to feel strongly about that’ or ‘You are looking rather sad just now.’ Feelings are an important part of the total picture and feature large in the selfexploration process. 33

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Some opening questions Open-ended questions can be useful at the beginning of an interview when the focus is on self-exploration. Here are some examples: ‘How are you feeling?’ ‘How have things been lately?’ ‘What’s been happening to you since last week?’ ‘What’s on your mind?’ ‘Would you like to tell me about it?’ ‘What was it that gave you that impression?’ ‘You said . . . I don’t quite follow. Can you elaborate?’ (or, ‘Give me an example?’) ‘How did that make you feel?’ ‘How did you react to that?’ ‘What did you feel like doing then?’ ‘What do you think it was all about?’ ‘If you could think of a reason what would it be?’ Sometimes an acknowledgement of what you are seeing or hearing seems called for. Such an acknowledgement can be coupled with a question. For example: ‘I can see that you are upset. Would you like to tell me about it?’ ‘I’m getting a feeling that . . . How does it seem to you?’ ‘You seem to feel very strongly about . . . Could you say some more about this?’ And then too, you may wish to express something of your own puzzlement: ‘I understand that part about . . . but can you elaborate on . . .?’ ‘It’s not quite clear to me.’ ‘What did you mean when you said . . .? I am a little confused.’ ‘How does . . . relate to what you said about . . . (from previous conversation)?’

Some common traps Among things to avoid at the opening stage are direct (closed) questions (a limited number of such questions may be useful later). ‘When did this start?’; ‘Have you told your mother about it?’; ‘What did she say?’ 34

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This kind of questioning often takes on the nature of an interrogation and once started is hard to stop. A common variation of this is a question which sets tight limits by offering alternatives which are quite specific: ‘Is it this or that?’ I call this kind of question ‘multiple choice’ and am surprised at how often it is used by less experienced interviewers. What you want, by contrast, is ‘essay style’ questions, questions that give freedom to answer from a highly subjective position, feelings and all. Another counterproductive strategy is to challenge. (This may be a result of watching television interviewers in action.) If you want to make the person defensive and make it harder for them to explore a dilemma ask questions like: ‘Why?’; ‘Don’t you think . . .?’; ‘But aren’t you . . .?’ A certain amount depends on tone of voice and how you express yourself, but nevertheless questions like this do tend to be a liability. In some situations counsellors are required (because they need to keep records) to ask a lot of closed questions: name, address, phone number, date of birth, and so on. Often this kind of information is obtained by an intake officer and has been dealt with by the time the client and interviewer meet. If not, leave as much of this fact finding till later in the interview. These, like other closed questions, once started can be hard to get away from.

Exercise 5.1 Select two people to work with, one to interview and the other to act as observer and give feedback. (If two people are not available then you could substitute a taperecorder or video recorder for the observer.) Decide on a topic for the interview. ‘How do you feel about your skill in interviewing?’ or ‘What interpersonal situations would you like to be able to handle better?’ or any other agreed topic. When you are both ready, begin. Throughout the interview concentrate on asking open questions. After about 10 minutes wind up and ask the observer for feedback. How did you do? What open questions and what closed questions did you use? How did each affect the interview? Now change roles. Become the observer while the person you interviewed interviews the previous observer, and so on. After this exercise you could find it helpful to make a list of effective open-ended questions. In the beginning stages such a list could be kept handy and used as a prompt before starting an interview. Compare your list with the one provided in this chapter.

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Exercise 5.2 Interview a second person on a personal concern (such as: A problem I’ve been having at work lately is …) and deliberately use closed questions. Have you talked to him about that?; Why do you feel that way?; Do you think he’s got it in for you? After a few such questions try to change to open questions. What did that mean to you? How did you feel then? Could you expand on that? Then stop and discuss how each of you perceived and reacted to each half of the interview. What problems did you encounter when you decided to change from closed to open questions? Some closed questions I used when interviewing (Exercise 5.1 and 5.2) were:

Open questions which I might have used instead of these are:

During the interview when I tried to change from closed to open questions (Exercise 5.2) I noticed that:

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CHAPTER 6

Listening From the outset, the counsellor can reinforce that they are paying full attention to the client by: • listening to the client’s words, noticing how they are spoken and observing the behaviour that goes with them • indicating by their response that they have been attending and listening; and • seeking clarification when necessary.

The first activity in the counselling or helping process is listening. Listening consists of being aware of three kinds of message that the client is giving out. The first is the straight-out verbal message, what they are saying; the second is the paralinguistic message, how they are saying it; and the third is the non-verbal, what they are doing while they are saying it. This means that in the helping context, hearing the words spoken is only the first step in the listening process. The helper must listen also to the voice tone, the way the words are spoken, and pick up confirming or modifying information and impressions from these paralinguistic cues. Then too, the eyes have an important function. What client behaviour and messages are communicated to you by what you see can be important clues—the non-verbal accompaniment can underline, indicate doubt, or even contradict what is being said in words. Listening then, involves hearing and seeing the totality of what the client is presenting to you. The verbal message is usually a mixture of fact and feeling, and the paralinguistic and non-verbal accompaniment serves to modify or add to this. By speaking quickly, 37

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slowly, softly, loudly, with pauses, sighs, gestures, body movements, or whatever, the person is underlining, modifying, or even contradicting the words being spoken. ‘On the whole I’m happy’, spoken slowly and with a slumped posture may mean ‘I am sad and desperately lonely.’

The words spoken In the process of learning the English language at school we learn that certain words have a certain meaning. Further, we learn that meanings are relatively fixed and stable— provided, of course we are attending a school that is located in a culturally and racially uniform, and perhaps even geographically isolated, area. Move into a culturally diverse or culturally different neighbourhood or zone and you will soon find that words can have different meanings to different people. For example, as an Australian who came to America about 20 years ago, I was confronted by people who, though English speaking, not only sounded different but also used words that differed from those I thought were correct. ‘First floor’ no longer meant upstairs but meant the ‘ground floor’, for instance. And you do not have to move to another country to experience this phenomenon. In the counselling context it is helpful to remember that words don’t have meaning, it is people who have meaning. So, while words are used to convey meaning, you need to be listening not only to the words spoken but also to the whole context, in order to understand just what it is that the person is trying to convey.

Modifiers Besides words meaning different things to different people we need to listen to the tone, the speed of delivery, hesitations, general energy behind what is being said, and the behaviour that accompanies the speech. Is the person hanging their head, are their eyes blazing? What impressions do you get as you watch and listen? Does this person look like they have given up hope of ever finding a better life? Do they look irritated? Sad? Enthusiastic? How do these paralinguistic cues—the way the person is speaking and the general postural elements that accompany the delivery—change or modify the verbal message 38

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the person has expressed? As an interviewer trying to be helpful you will need to become keenly observant and very sensitive to the person telling you their story. The more practice you can get at this the better. For a start, concentrate on straight observation, avoiding interpretation. You should be careful to deal with what is actually happening, what is obvious, rather than with what you think the other person is feeling or experiencing. There is often a strong tendency to interpret all that is heard or observed and, in the early stages of an interview, for the helper to supply from their own experience a set of ideas of what the other is saying. It may take strong self-discipline but it is absolutely necessary to listen to and observe what the other is saying and doing if you are to tune into what they are experiencing. I want to point out—or remind you—that what you bring to the interview may prevent you from listening effectively to what the client is telling you. You may be projecting your own values and feelings onto the other person. And your listening may be affected by your own mental or physical state. It will be appropriate at this stage to take time to reflect on (and even make a list of) factors that assist or interfere with effective listening. My list is presented below. Can you add to this list? Do you disagree with any of these points or would you modify any of them?

Check what you heard It was mentioned briefly in Chapter 4 that a sign that one person is attending to another is that their remarks or comments relate directly and follow from what is being said. This is one sure sign that the interviewer is listening. It would be quite annoying, as well as ineffectual, if the interviewer kept repeating every word that the client said, but some checking out is necessary. A response that says, ‘This is what I think you said, correct me if I’m wrong,’ indicates an interest in what the other is saying and is evidence that you are listening. This kind of response also seems to provide the interviewee with an aid in clarifying their own thinking and expression. The active listening of another person is like a psychological mirror; the message in its clarity or confusion is bounced back to the speaker, sometimes to be heard for the first time and at other times with fresh emphasis. 39

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For the sake of completeness some other aspects of listening need to be mentioned. Brief reference has been made to the fact that feelings are an important part of what is expressed and that identification of feelings can be involved in the process of selfexploration. Listening for feelings will be dealt with at some length in the next chapter on empathy. Also, with a long interview or a series of interviews the listening process can be extended to listening for themes. Do the same themes keep coming through, the same associations, the same attitudes? And how about elements that are conspicuous by their absence? These are further aspects of listening you will want to practise, and we will return to them later also.

Aids to effective listening In this section the focus will be on aids—that is, positive aspects. Barriers can be created by the absence or reverse of these same aspects.

Environmental conditions •

Physical comfort has been taken care of.

•

There is an absence of visual distractions and noise; there are no interruptions.

•

There is comfortable space and distance between the participants.

•

Sufficient time is available.

Listener attitudes •

The interviewer desires to listen and hear.

•

Is accepting, non-judgmental.

•

Honest and open.

•

Patient.

Listener’s emotional states •

Feels relaxed and comfortable.

•

Is interested and positive towards the speaker and/or the topic.

•

(Negatives are: overly intense positive feelings and desire to help; feelings of boredom; feelings of dislike or anger towards the speaker or the way the topic is presented.)

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Listening behaviours •

The interviewer is attentive in posture, maintains good eye contact, is calm (that is, shows good attending behaviour).

•

Uses appropriate questions and comments.

•

Exhibits good listening habits: listens to all that the speaker has to say before framing a response.

Interactional factors •

There is a welcoming and pleasant atmosphere, a good working relationship.

•

The interviewer elicits a positive response from the speaker.

•

The two people share a sense of identity, especially over the situation or problem.

•

They experience good chemistry.

Exercise 6.1 If you have a recording from a previous exercise or one you have prerecorded for this purpose, play a client statement (voice only). Stop the recorder and tell your neighbour (real or imaginary) exactly what was said. Play the statement back as a check on accuracy. (Repeat with more client statements as required.)

Exercise 6.2 Play these client statements again, only this time instead of concentrating on the words, focus on how the client spoke (that is, quickly, hesitantly, seemed to fumble for words, gave the emphasis to particular words or names, tone was flat, excited, and so on).

Exercise 6.3 If you are using a video recording turn off the sound and watch non-verbal behaviour (facial expressions, body movements, posture, hand movements, foot movements, anything that reveals the client’s feelings). What do you notice as you watch? How would you describe what you see? Be as precise as you can. Don’t try to interpret, just say, or write down, what you see.

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Exercise 6.4 Work in a group of four. A and B discuss what they like and dislike about their interviewing styles while C and D observe and take notes of A’s and B’s paralinguistic and non-verbal behaviour. After five minutes, C and D provide A and B with feedback. Then reverse roles. C and D discuss while A and B observe and give feedback.

Exercise 6.5 A further exercise that can help focus on literal aspects of listening is parroting. Work with a partner and each take turns. Person A makes a statement about themselves and person B repeats it word for word starting with the words ‘You said’. A then makes two statements, B repeats them back in as close to A’s exact words as possible, ‘You said . . . and . . .’ The process is repeated with three statements and then roles are reversed. Throughout, it is a good idea to obtain feedback as to how effectively each person is hearing and repeating the other person’s statements. This can be done by having an observer make notes and report back on anything that was left out, or by using an audio or video recorder for the same purpose.

Exercise 6.6 Form pairs. Each person is to focus on listening responses during an interview with another who is willing to discuss some personal concern. The interviewer should ask, ‘What can I say to this person to show that I am really listening?’ This is very much a matter of adopting a mental set. The interviewer is to concentrate on listening and hearing rather than on judging, interpreting or giving advice. If the interviewer does not understand fully what is being said, they should ask the other person to elaborate or give an example. Comments like, ‘I didn’t quite follow what you said about . . . could you make that clearer?’ or ‘Can you give me an example of what you meant by . . .? ‘, may help both parties to the interview to become clearer on the concern being expressed.

Exercise 6.7 Listening can be practised at home, at work, in situations with your friends. Also, your television set can be used effectively to extend the exercises of this chapter. Pick a program you don’t like much. Listen to what is said and try to repeat it. (You can check on yourself by taking an audiotape recording and playing it back.) Repeat this several times. Now practise listening to paralinguistic cues—tone of voice, inflexions, emphasis. Now turn the sound down. Spend two periods of half an hour each on this during the week. 42

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CHAPTER 7

Responding empathically To be effective, a counsellor needs to respond empathically by: • trying to understand how the client experiences each situation and communicating this understanding clearly • trying to sense exactly how the client is feeling, and how the feelings are linked to particular people or events; and • finally, putting this understanding into simple and appropriate words.

Empathy Empathy is one of those words that has crept into everyday language usage and for many has taken on the meaning of a high degree of sympathy. Strictly speaking, this is not what the word means. Furthermore, it is important in the present context to distinguish clearly between sympathy and empathy. Sympathy means a simultaneous sharing in the feeling being experienced by another person. (A parallel would be one stringed instrument vibrating in sympathy with another.) Usually it is associated with sadness or feelings that accompany problems, for example, frustration or anxiety. So that when we have sympathy for another person we feel ‘with’ him or her, we have compassion and mentally participate in the person’s trouble. It is typified by the statement, ‘I feel for you’. Empathy also has to do with responding to another person’s feelings. It is the act of projecting into a situation as the other person is experiencing it and so fully comprehending how it seems to the other person. It is the understanding of how a situation is experienced by another person, how it feels to see the situation from within his or her frame of reference.‘To experience the world of another “as if” it were our own 43

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but without losing the “as if” quality’, as Carl Rogers has put it. Empathy involves putting ourselves in the other person’s shoes, trying to understand how they experience a situation and communicating this understanding back to the person as clearly as possible. The typical statement in this case would be: ‘I sense that you feel sad’ (deeply troubled, joyful, or whatever). The process of being empathic is an active one and involves several elements. It involves first an interest or a willingness to try to understand, then a responsiveness (a resonating or feeling with the other), then an identification or labelling of the feeling experienced, and finally feedback to the other person. The willingness to understand is a mental set rather like attending, which was dealt with earlier. Responsiveness is the putting-yourself-in-the-other-person’s-shoes phase. The question to ask yourself is: ‘If I were sitting like that, talking like that, using those words and gestures, how would it feel?’ The next step is a search for labels, words descriptive of the feeling. This involves identification of both the feeling and the strength of the feeling, and then finding one or more words that capture these two aspects. Using these words there is a response, a checking out with the other person of how you perceive what they are experiencing. This may be confirmed or modified depending on feedback from the other person. Their response may be:‘That’s not quite the way it is. I don’t feel quite as strongly as that.’ Or it may be: ‘Yes I feel very angry and frustrated at what’s happening to me.’ Expressing your perceptions in words serves several functions. Finding and using appropriate labels often assists the other person directly in their attempt to explore and sort out a rather unclear situation. The process has been described as reflection of feelings and the mirror analogy is apt to a point, but in this case the listener often helps the other to see more clearly what is going on. The identification, labelling, focusing aspects all seem to serve a useful purpose. Then again, responding with your summary of what the other person is experiencing helps to sort out whether your response is to the other person’s experience and feelings or to your own. Quite often the strong feelings of another person or the situation they are discussing may trigger a personal response in the listener and this may then be projected onto the client. If this should happen, your verbalisation will serve as a safeguard. If the other person seems mystified or rejects what you say the 44

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process of projection may be at work. The question here is: ‘What is going on in me?’ And the invitation is to try again to understand how the situation looks to the other person.

Steps in the process For learning purposes, several stages involved in empathic responding can be separated and taken one at a time. People sometimes complain that exercises done in this way are highly artificial and antithetical to spontaneity and natural warmth. This is, of course, true. However, it is more constructive to view the process as analogous to the beginning piano player’s five-finger exercises leading in turn to the ability to perform simple pieces of music, and ultimately to a good performance on a greater work: in other words as graded steps in the development of a complex skill. With respect to empathy training, the program we will follow has three main elements. First, there are exercises designed to increase your vocabulary of ‘feeling’ words. Second, we will focus on building skill in identifying and responding to the feelings expressed by others and third, there will be exercises aimed at increasing awareness of your own feeling experience.

Vocabulary of feeling words If we are to identify expressed feelings and label them effectively we need to have a wide range of words at our disposal and be sensitive to the feelings usually ascribed to them. When dealing with feelings, perhaps the most important thing for those who want to help is for them to be aware of the differences in strength of different words. Strength is partly a function of factors within the individual—personal style, family language, ethnic background, and so on, but it is also a function of language usage in the society generally. When someone says: ‘I’m as mad as hell!’ they are usually expressing much greater anger than if they were to say: ‘I’m rather annoyed.’ Then, too, expression of feeling may be by use of single words or alternatively, by phrases and colloquial expressions. One person may say: ‘I’m very happy.’ Another may say: ‘I’m feeling on top of the world.’ 45

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One set of meanings that go with feeling words has to do with how the feelings are experienced. Sometimes feelings are experienced as a state (‘I feel happy’, sad, angry, whatever) but most often there are elements of relationship present also. Examples could be: ‘I feel happy because of what someone said to me’; ‘I feel sad as a reaction to news from a friend’; ‘I feel angry at being expected to do something I don’t want to do’. Feelings may be a response to our perception of what other people are doing to us (how we experience the situation) or they may say something about what we feel like doing.

Exercise 7.1 (This can be done singly or in small groups.) List all the words you can think of for each of the following feeling states: Angry, Sad, Confused, Joyful, Frightened. Divide the list into strong, medium and weak categories according to your judgment of the strength of feeling the words represent.

Angry

Sad

Confused

Joyful

Strong

Medium

Weak

Notes: (What words were difficult to allocate a strength to? What words tend to be ambiguous?)

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Frightened

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Exercise 7.2 Choose 10 feeling states you have experienced, express them in the present tense— ’I feel sad’, ‘I feel annoyed’, and so on. Then match each of these with a statement in colloquial terms, a statement more as you might describe how you felt if describing it to a friend—’I feel down in the dumps’; ‘I’m bloody irritated’ and so on. Feeling states

Colloquial statements

Now try recalling actual situations in which you had these feelings and write down how you experienced each situation (what was happening to you) and what you felt like doing at the time. For example, (Sad) ‘I felt she must have stopped loving me, I felt like going off on my own.’ (Annoyed) ‘Everyone seemed to be on my back. I felt like telling them to jump in the lake.’ Happening

Felt like doing

Happening

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Felt like doing

Happening

Felt like doing

Happening

Felt like doing

Happening

Felt like doing

Happening

Felt like doing

Happening

Felt like doing

Happening

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Felt like doing

Happening

Felt like doing

Happening

Felt like doing

Notice that when we describe a situation, frequently the emotion being experienced is not referred to directly. Also, the word ‘feel’ is often used when we mean ‘think’. Further, the emotion often follows from our thoughts. Thus, ‘I felt sad because I thought she must have stopped loving me’.

Exercise 7.3 In this exercise you need to imagine that the written words have been spoken to you. Of course, written statements lack cues such as tone of voice, pitch, loudness or softness, pauses. Be careful not to read too much into the statement in each case; take each of them fairly literally. The exercise is broken into three phases. Take each one at a time. You must read the instructions in Step 1 and work through the three client statements. Then read the instructions in Step 2 and go back and work through each of the client statements again. Then move to Step 3. Step 1 For each of the following statements ask yourself: what feeling(s) is the person experiencing? What single word or short phrase describes the main feeling expressed? (As well as identifying the feeling, try to capture the strength of the feeling.) Share your word/phrase with others: what degree of consensus is there in the group? Examine minority opinions. Do these seem to fit too? 49

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Client statements a

Woman, 28 (high school teacher) ‘I don’t seem to have a great affinity with the 12 to 13-year-olds. I enjoy teaching the older kids but the younger ones irritate me quite a lot. I see my role as encouraging them to want to do things. And all I seem to encourage them to do is . . . well I don’t encourage them to do very much. Most of the time is spent keeping them disciplined.’

She feels:

b

Man, 30 (recently appointed school counsellor) ‘People seem to have different expectations of me, what I should be doing. I find myself feeling quite inadequate at times, when particular people are asking me or telling me certain things. I feel I haven’t got anything to offer them. I don’t have any firm opinions and I have little experience to fall back on. I feel they’re expecting me to be somebody I don’t think I am. Somebody with talents I’m not so sure I’ve got.’

He feels:

c

Woman, 40 (nurse working in a non-hospital setting) ‘I need to build up my confidence in myself and become more assertive with other people. The sorts of situations which matter are when I’m with people who are at an advantage . . . have an advantage over me in some way. This varies. Perhaps they have more academic qualifications and education than I have, and I feel that somehow I don’t quite measure up. Although I know that my own qualifications . . . for my job are adequate I do feel that . . . you . . . I just (voice fades) need to work on that.’

She feels:

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Step 2 Now ask yourself, what is the feeling about in each case? What circumstances or people is it connected with? (Summarise in as few words as possible.) Share your summary and discuss it with others. a

The woman’s feeling relates to:

b

The man’s feeling stems from:

c

The woman’s feeling is connected with:

Step 3 Now imagine that the person has made the statement to you. Try constructing a response which reflects the feeling expressed and relate it to the stated context. For a start use the form, ‘You feel … because…’ Response to Woman (a) You feel

because

Response to Man (b) You feel

because

Response to Woman (c) You feel

because 51

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Exercise 7.4 For each of the following client statements, write in (a) what you consider to be the main feeling being expressed, (b) a paraphrase of the situation or events associated with the feeling and (c) a possible response which you could make in order to reflect the feeling and related content. 1

Man, 26, (with widowed mother in need of health care) ‘I’ve got the responsibility of trying to sort the situation out . . . feeling quite inadequate at certain stages. Nothing ever seems to get resolved. It’s terribly frustrating.’

a

The main feeling is:

b

The feeling is related to:

c

My suggested response is:

2

Woman, 35 (head of a work team) ‘I just don’t like her as a person. She doesn’t have anything to give me as a person, has never given me anything even in the initial stages of our relationship. She didn’t ever give me anything in a two-way situation. It was always me giving and her taking . . . not putting anything into it. And I guess over a period of time I’ve just stopped working on it. And . . . now I can’t stand her. I really can’t. It’s terrible. And I . . . you know . . . I really almost feel aggressive towards her at times. Stupid twit!’

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a

The main feeling is:

b

The feeling is related to:

c

My suggested response is:

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3

Man, 45 (concerning 15-year-old daughter) ‘She’s starting to get . . . her problems are starting to mount up . . . starting to get things out of proper perspective. And that’s causing concern to me as a parent. As a parent I still think there’s some guidance I’ve got to give.’

a

The main feeling is:

b

The feeling is related to:

c

My suggested response is:

4

Man, 30 ‘When I go to work in the morning (I ride my bike to work) I feel fantastic as I go in the door. Then half an hour later, rotten. It’s just the atmosphere of the place, it’s sort of monolithic . . . like walking into a tombstone. It just wears me down by the end of the day.’

a

The main feeling is:

b

The feeling is related to:

c

My suggested response is:

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Exercise 7.5 Interview another person under conditions where feedback can be provided either by a third person or through a recording. Focus on identifying and responding to feeling. The person being interviewed can either choose a personal concern or can be asked to remember a time when something occurred that they felt strongly about (and preferably, where something of that feeling remained).

Identifying and responding to feelings To summarise where we have been going, the basic steps in the program of identifying and responding to feeling are: 1

identification of expressed feeling

2

crystallising this in a word or two

3

identification of content associated with the feeling

4

summarising this in a brief paraphrase

5

phrasing a response that links feeling and content.

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CHAPTER 8

Empathy: going deeper During the interview, to be effective, counsellors need to bear in mind the following: • in the early stages their response should simply try to capture or reflect the feeling being expressed • over time, as they hear more, it may be possible to go further and pick up meanings and feelings at a deeper level; those barely hinted at; and • their attempt to be empathic must be checked out with the client. Only the client will know if the response resonates accurately with their experience.

To recap, if we are to understand a person’s experience we must hear not only how that person describes the situation but just as importantly, the expressed feelings that are associated with it. The client isn’t always fully aware of these emotional aspects of their own situation and the skilful listening and understanding of the helper can provide an important part of the healing process.

What sense does it all make? Before the counsellor can respond to the client empathically they have to ask: What does this all add up to? How can I let the client know that I share, at least partially, an understanding of his or her experience? How can I best capture it in words? And, given that the empathic listening task is not to impose an interpretation, Can I offer my 55

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understanding from a tentative position and provide opportunity for the other to correct or amplify what I think I am picking up? The following three-step model is a useful reminder of the empathic task: 1

Listen to and observe your client and consider their comments. As you listen, recall that family and multicultural constructs may be important contributors to the verbal and non-verbal behaviour. As you listen, you can begin to learn how each client desires to be treated.

2

Respond using the client’s main words and constructs. When in doubt, use the attending and listening skills dealt with earlier.

3

Check out your statement or intervention by asking ‘How does that sound?’; ‘Is that close?’or some other statement that allows the client to respond to you. You may also indicate that you are checking out your perceptions by raising your voice at the end of your response in a questioning tone.

The Empathy Rating Scale The effectiveness of efforts to be empathic is something that, ultimately, can be determined only by the client in answer to the question ‘How well do I feel heard?’ Empathy rating scales can be useful, however, in making us more sensitive to what we are doing. Ivey’s seven-level scale is reproduced below.

The Empathy Rating Scale

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Instructions:

Before rating a counsellor’s statement for its degree of empathy, it is critical that the context of what the client has been saying be considered as well. Therefore, examine what the client has just said before determining how well the counsellor is ‘tuned in’. Rate each counsellor statement on the following seven-point scale for degree of empathy. It is also possible to examine several counsellor statements or entire interview segments and rate them for empathy.

Level 1:

The counsellor is overtly destructive to the interviewing process. He or she fails to attend (sharp body shifts, major topic jumps) in a way that sharply disrupts client flow or attacks the client or discounts information.

Level 2:

The counsellor may be implicitly and subtly destructive, even though overtly trying to be helpful. The distinction between levels 1 and 2 is a matter of degree and sharpness. The disagreement or lack of attention doesn’t seem as unusual here and is seen in the daily life of most people in some form. (Also see level 5.)

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Level 3:

At first glance the session appears to be moving normally. However, on deeper analysis, one sees that the counsellor is detracting slightly from what the client has been saying. The paraphrase is close, but still misses the client’s meaning. Much of our daily conversation fits this pattern. As a result of the interaction, the client is not damaged and has been listened to minimally, but counsellor responses take away from what the client says or minimises statements.

Level 4:

Considered by many, the minimal level for counselling, level 4 responses are interchangeable with what the client is saying. An interchangeable response is best exemplified by an accurate reflection of feeling, paraphrase or summary that catches the essence of what the client has said. An open question or a self-disclosure that aids client responding is another example of a level 4 response.

Level 5:

At this point, counselling becomes truly additive in that the counsellor is adding something beyond an interchangeable response. In addition to an accurate paraphrase or reflection of feeling, the counsellor adds a mild interpretation or a probing question or interpretation that not only catches the major meanings of the client, but adds something new to facilitate growth and exploration. Generally speaking, level 5 requires the use of influencing skills or questioning techniques. Ineffective use of these skills at this point, however, may return the counsellor to level 2. As one employs the influencing skills, the possibility for error increases.

Level 6:

The counsellor is truly becoming an intentional person. Attending and influencing skills are used in combination with the many qualities of empathy (concreteness, immediacy, and so on) to provide a more effective and facilitating level of counselling. Patterns of movement synchrony and movement complementarity often are manifested.

Level 7:

The highest level of counselling is one that relatively few counsellors attain. In addition to solid, effective intentional manifestation of the many micro skills and qualities of empathy, the counsellor is totally ‘with’ the client, yet apart and distinct. For some, this can be termed a ‘peak experience’ in relationship. Direct–mutual communication is shown at this stage in the full dimension.

From Counselling and Psychotherapy (3rd Edition) (Ivey, Ivey, and Simek-Morgan, 1993)

This scale contains some concepts not dealt with in this book and may be of particular value to the person trying to refine and build on an already reasonably advanced level of empathic skills. For those at an earlier stage of development the following explanation may be useful. The basic points to be appreciated are that the counsellor’s response can: a

Ignore or seriously undercut the feeling being expressed. For example, in response to a man, 30, who has just said: ‘Lately I’ve been worried about getting . . . older. Life seems to be passing me by.’ The interviewer says: ‘Actually, how old are you?’ 57

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•

Or in response to the woman, 35, head of a work team, who has said: ‘I just don’t like her as a person. She doesn’t have anything to give me as a person, has never given me anything, even in the initial stages of our relationship. She didn’t ever give me anything in a two-way situation. It was always me giving and her taking . . . not putting anything into it. And I guess over a period of time I’ve just stopped working on it. And now I can’t stand her. I really can’t. I really almost feel aggressive towards her at times. Stupid twit!’ The interviewer says: ‘What position does this woman hold?’

b

A second possibility is that the response recognises the feeling but widely misses its strength. For example (in response to the same woman), the counsellor says: ‘I sense that you are a little bit upset.’

c

In a third case, the response recognises the substance and feeling and more or less matches it in strength. For example, (in response to the same woman’s statement) the counsellor says: ‘So you feel absolutely fed up with giving everything and receiving nothing. Is that it?’ These three example responses approximate to levels 1–2, 3 and 4 on the scale above.

(The level 4 type response is sometimes called a reciprocal response in that it matches or is equivalent to the client’s original statement.) d

Responses also can be additive (Levels 5, 6 and 7) in the sense that they pick up and reflect meanings and feelings at a deeper level. These may be feelings that the person is not expressing directly, is only giving a hint of, and perhaps is not fully conscious of. For example (in response to the same woman), the interviewer might say: ‘And you feel somewhat ashamed about your angry feelings towards her.’

•

Or: ‘You’re angry because you have always been giving to this relationship without getting anything in return and now you’ve stopped working on it and perhaps feel guilty.’ The goal early in the helping process is to stay with the client and, by reflecting their

feelings, show that we are taking the person seriously and listening to their concerns. An offshoot of this is that empathic listening builds trust and thus, encourages the client to take more risks—tiny ones at first and larger ones as the relationship continues. 58

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Additive responses are more risky early in the process. The client may not be ready for them but, perhaps of greater importance, the counsellor has less data to go on and additive responses at this stage can be little more than guesswork. With more and more data, the counsellor can detect fragments of information that fit together like a puzzle, and can see underlying patterns emerging. This means that as the relationship continues, additive responses are less acts of guesswork or, at best, intuition, and emerge as more a matter of accurate and acute observation.

Exercise 8.1 This is a variation on Exercise 7.4 in the previous chapter. 1

Woman, 35 (head of a work team): ‘I just don’t like her as a person. She doesn’t have anything to give me as a person, has never given me as a person, has never given me anything even in the initial stages of our relationship. She didn’t ever give me anything in a twoway situation. It was always me giving and her taking . . . not putting anything into it. And I guess over a period of time I’ve stopped working on it. It’s terrible. And I . . . you know . . . I really almost feel aggressive towards her at times. Stupid twit!’

a

As an interviewer what response might you make that would be helpful to this woman?

b

Would you respond differently to her statement if it occurred in the first interview or in a later interview? If yes, how would the response differ and why? If no, why not?

c

How adequate is the following response: ‘Are you angry at her?’

2

Man, 45 (concerning 15-year-old daughter) ‘She’s starting to get . . . her problems are starting to mount up . . . starting to get things out of proper perspective. And that’s causing concern in me as a parent. As a parent I still think there’s some guidance I’ve got to give.’ 59

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Assuming that the client made this statement fairly early in the first interview, how appropriate do you consider each of the following possible counsellor responses? a

‘All kids are a worry. She’s unlikely to take kindly to your advice—anyone’s advice, but especially her parents.’

b

‘Have you talked to her teachers at school? Maybe they could help.’

c

‘You’re worried that you’re not measuring up as a parent. You feel you should be doing something more to help her.’

d

‘I can hear your concern but I’m not too clear what it’s about. Could you tell me more about it?’

3

Man, 30 ‘When I go to work in the morning (I ride my bike to work) I feel fantastic as I go in the door. Then, half an hour later, rotten. It’s just the atmosphere of the place; it’s sort of monolithic … like walking into a tombstone. It just wears you down by the end of the day.’

How would you rate the following responses on the Ivey empathy scale?

60

a

‘Is every day the same?’

b

‘What is it about the place that bothers you?’

c

‘And you can’t switch off from that. It really is depressing.’

d

‘Everything is great until you get to work, then things close in on you and you feel depressed.’

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Exercise 8.2 Imagine you are working with a parent in a family session. The reason the family has come for help is that they are concerned about their 10-year-old son’s lack of achievement. You observe the family to be cold and disconnected; the only apparent value they hold in common that of academic success. In the following segment, all four family members are present. Assuming that the short exchange is representative of what you have been hearing repeated in different words for the past 10 minutes: Parent 1: Billy just isn’t measuring up to Esther. He’s bright enough, but he just isn’t trying hard enough. I think his stomach-aches are just a way to get out of work. Parent 2: Yes, when I was his age, I studied two hours every night. Esther does that even though she’s younger than Billy. Esther:

(sits quietly looking down).

Billy:

(squirms in his chair and appears sad).

Some possible responses to the family follow. Rate each response (a) in terms of whether it is subtractive, reciprocal, or additive and (b) in terms of Ivey’s seven-point scale provided earlier in this chapter. 1

You seem to be putting undue emphasis on academic achievement. After all Billy is only 10. Maybe he really does have stomach-aches.

2

I hear that academic achievement is very important to you both and that, even though she is younger, Esther has picked this up. It is frustrating to you that Billy isn’t yet conforming to this pattern. It is not as though he lacks ability.

3

Academic achievement really is important to you—and your expectations are perhaps higher than usual—but I’m wondering what the children are thinking. They look pretty uncomfortable. What is going through your mind right now Billy?

4

I hear that you are worried about Billy and perhaps angry with him. His stomach-aches seem to be connected with his relatively poor performance at school but you are inclined to think they are only a smokescreen, that he is deliberately defying you. He knows how important academic performance is to you and this is his way of getting back at you.

Ratings of Response 1:

Ratings of Response 2:

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Ratings of Response 3:

Ratings of Response 4:

Exercise 8.3 This exercise requires the cooperation of another person who is willing to give you quite a bit of time—an hour or so. Interview this person on a personal concern and record the interview. Rewind the tape and, after familiarising the person with the rating scale, ask him or her to rate each of your responses as you replay it. Ask the person to consider your responses and say how much each contributed a sense of being listened to and understood: to rate how well you captured their feelings and meanings. In any case where you missed the mark the person could tell you what effect this had—how do they remember feeling at that point? What thoughts went through their mind? Be aware of any tendency you have to become defensive. Note your observations.

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CHAPTER 9

Increasing self-awareness As well as paying attention to the client’s body language, non-verbal clues and words, the helper should bear in mind that: • a certain amount of self-exploration is necessary for themselves as well as the client • they need to be sensitive to their own feelings and able to distinguish them clearly from those of the client; and • awareness of threatening fantasies and (often unexpressed) fears is of particular importance.

Track your own feelings Empathy training can be complete only if you pay attention to an important aspect of the process—increasing awareness of your own feeling experience. Chances are that over and over again in interviewing, or in talking to others, some feelings will be triggered in you. This process is quite normal. However, it is possible that if these feelings are not identified and not owned, they can seriously limit your effectiveness as a helper. The danger is that you may feel put out, irritated, or whatever, in a general or pervasive way, without being clear as to the feeling being experienced, or its source, and in the absence of this clarity you may project it on to the other person. Then it is seen as their feeling, not yours. Or we can even enter into a kind of blaming game: ‘You make me feel . . . (angry, and so on).’

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I suspect that the source of much of the difficulty is that in our culture we (especially men) have been brought up to hide our feelings, rather than to be aware of them. We have been taught that some feelings are appropriate, but others are bad, and that we should be careful what we reveal, especially if it is negative. As the words of an old song put it: ‘If you can’t say something that sounds real nice, say nothing at all, that’s your daddy’s advice’. There may be some wisdom in this for some situations, but as a counsellor you need to be aware of how you are feeling, even if you choose not to verbalise it in a particular situation. Within the scope of this program there is probably only so far we can go in increasing self-awareness. But if you want to be more aware—have a deeper consciousness of your own feelings and reactions from moment to moment—you can use every situation. Most of the exercises presented so far, for example, have provided the opportunity and, indeed, some encouragement, to focus consciously on your own, perhaps at times deeply personal, sensations, fantasies and expectations. If you are prepared to use the exercises this way, and take every opportunity to do so, the result is likely to be that you will be able to focus more clearly on your own experience and the experience of others. For those who may wish to do more than is offered here, there are a number of other programs available from time to time which focus specifically on increasing selfawareness. These programs are advertised in major newspapers and magazines. Then there are some excellent books, such as Person to person by Carl Rogers and Barry Stevens, Gestalt therapy verbatim by Frederick S. Perls, and Awareness by John O. Stevens (all published by Real People Press). In the last mentioned of these, Stevens suggests that experience can be divided into three kinds of awareness. 1

Awareness of the external world as it comes to us through our senses: the sensations and experiences we receive by hearing, seeing, touching, smelling and tasting.

2

Awareness of the world of inner experience, the experiencing of what is going on within our bodies: the tenseness of muscles, the itching of skin, visceral feelings that accompany emotion, feelings of discomfort, of wellbeing.

3

Awareness of the world within our heads, images and ideas we carry around with us in our thoughts: our fantasies of what the world is like, stereotypes, explanations, comparisons and categories, events selectively remembered with our own personal interpretations, and our own anticipations of the future.

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Pay attention to bodily sensations My observation is that most of us pay comparatively little attention to our direct experience of the outside and inside worlds. Rather, we rely heavily on what we think, our interpretations, hunches, anticipations, and so on without any consciousness of the truly fantastic nature of this material. We constantly conjure up thoughts and images, rather than trust to our direct experience. In the exercises that follow I invite you to try the more direct approach: try to be more fully aware of bodily sensations and actual sensory experience, and see what you discover about yourself. Increased self-awareness will not make you a better person, but it will deepen your sense of who you are and of what is going on inside you at any moment. It is perhaps, paradoxical that fantasy evokes bodily sensations or, in other words, there is a constant interaction between Stevens’ second and third types of awareness. This means we can evoke bodily sensations by calling up images of past events or even by imagining new ones. And this is precisely what we will do in the exercises that follow. As for type 1 awareness, this is a matter for self-discipline: practise being aware of your sensory experience, don’t deny it or shut off from it in favour of anticipation and prejudging, substituting what you think is going to happen for what is actually happening. Be acutely aware of the messages coming directly to your senses.

Exercise 9.1 (In this exercise and the one that follows, it will help if you have someone to read to you. Almost certainly you will find the exercises easier if you can close your eyes, and also the other person can ‘guide’ you by pausing at appropriate places. I have indicated thus . . . where I think it may be helpful to pause.) Imagine yourself about to visit a counsellor . . . picture an actual building that you are in and you are walking towards the counsellor’s door . . . you want to see the counsellor regarding (any or all of the following): • You cannot concentrate on your study lately. • You suspect that your son (brother, friend) is on hard drugs. • You are worried about your inability to sleep at night. • You think that perhaps you are not getting the best out of your marriage. 65

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Imagine you are standing outside the counsellor’s door and about to knock . . . Just how do you feel? What are you going to say? . . . Now imagine you are inside and the person you expected to see has been replaced by an attractive person of the opposite sex . . . How do you feel now? Stay with this fantasy long enough to let the feeling develop and become clear . . . Now open your eyes and pair up with someone else and explore this imagined experience more fully.

Exercise 9.2 (The instructions are written as they would be read to you.) Get into a comfortable position lying on your back on a carpeted floor (sitting in a chair will do if you prefer). Close your eyes and be aware of how you are making contact with the floor (or chair), . . . which parts of you are touching and which are not . . . See if you can get more comfortable. Now be aware of your breathing— through your mouth or nose? Is it shallow or deep? What movement do you experience in your chest, stomach, back? . . . Now deepen your breathing: put one hand lightly on your chest and one on your abdomen and follow the movements of your breathing in and out. Now put your hands down at your sides and, starting at your feet, let your awareness travel like a searchlight slowly up over your whole body. Pay particular attention to any tension you become aware of. See if you can let go of any tension you find. If this is difficult, try deliberately tensing the affected muscles more, hold tightly and then let go . . . If, as you slowly let your awareness travel over your body, you find yourself distracted or thinking about other things, bring your focus back to your breathing and then resume when you are ready . . . Pay particular attention to your head—back of the neck, shoulders . . . and now your forehead and scalp, your eyes, lower jaw. Tense each of these, frown, screw up your eyes, open and close your mouth, pull faces and then relax . . . Now let your awareness travel down your left arm, your wrist, hand, fingers. Make a fist, tight, then let go . . . Now your other arm. Now just lie quietly, and be aware of any feelings or sensations anywhere in your body . . . How are you contacting the floor now? . . . Do you feel any different from the way you felt before? Still in this position with your eyes closed, remember a situation in which you felt jealous. Try to remember an actual situation, and as you relive it in your mind be aware of your feelings . . . Pay attention to any bodily sensations; where in your body do you experience jealousy? . . . Touch that part of yourself . . . As you keep your attention focused on the particular situation, what do you feel like doing . . . Now remember a situation in which you felt loved, cared for . . . How do you experience this? Where in your body? . . . What do you feel like doing? . . . 66

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(This exercise may be repeated with several other feelings such as sadness, anger, joy, frustration, guilt, fright, anxiety. In each case take time to remember an actual situation, one that happened to you. Pay attention to any bodily sensations you experience. How does your body react? What do you feel like doing?) Things I noticed in these exercises were:

Exercise 9.3 Share your experience of Exercise 9.2 with others in the group. To what extent did your experience match that of others in the group? To what extent was it different? What was the range of responses for each feeling? Were the responses for apparently different feelings more or less similar to what you expected?

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Exercise 9.4 Most of us engage in a certain amount of fantasy or daydreaming and some of this deals with interpersonal relationships. Whether you have done this or not in the past matters little, but try to do so now. Imagine a situation (close your eyes if it helps) connected with your work or everyday activities, a situation which involves one or more other people, and which would be decidedly unpleasant for you. Don’t try to recall an actual situation, but rather imagine something that might happen between you and another person. What do you imagine might happen in this situation that would be so unpleasant, embarrassing even? What is it that you would not want to happen? What do you imagine the other person may do or feel? My fantasy is:

Now share the fantasy with other members in the group. Begin by simply relating the fantasy and listening to those of the others without comment or discussion. Then, when everyone has related their fantasy see if you can detect any similarities or major themes. Themes that seem to run through these fantasies are:

Interpersonal nightmares Dr Norman Kagan refers to these fantasies as interpersonal nightmares. His view is that these are quite primitive and can be traced back to early childhood, to our prelanguage days. So we are not dealing with something that is logical or rational, but nevertheless, these fantasies can be influential in our life today, or at least in some situations, unless resolved. Bringing these fantasies to consciousness and finding words 68

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and labels for the fears associated with them helps us to deal with them in a more adult way. Kagan’s analysis is that such fantasies tend to fall into a few groups and be concerned with just two or three major dimensions. The common themes are that I fear in some way any of the following scenarios. 1

You might hurt me

2

I might hurt you

3

You might overwhelm me

4

I might overwhelm you; or

5

You may walk off and reject (abandon) me. Does your fantasy fit into this framework? And how about those of other people in

the group? My experience is that people usually report fantasies that fit into this schema quite well. Commonly reported fantasies are of the other person getting very angry and aggressive, walking out, just sitting and not saying anything, taking notice but subsequently suffering as a result, or the person reporting that they feel helpless in the face of seemingly overwhelming tragedy or an impending accident to the other. Value can be gained from viewing enactments of common interpersonal nightmares and having someone assist you in exploring your reactions. There are films available which present a variety of simulated ‘nightmares’ or you may wish to make your own using video equipment.

Exercise 9.5 Work with a partner. Take turns to view simulated material. As you view each sequence, imagine that the person on the film is physically present and actually talking directly to you. Be aware of your reactions in as much detail as possible. Have your partner then try to assist you to become aware of anything and everything that has happened. They can encourage exploration of feelings, bodily sensations, images, and also ask questions like: did the person (or situation) seem familiar, remind you of anyone you know? What would you probably do in this situation? What would you like to do? When you have explored your reactions for a few minutes, reverse roles. Your partner now views one of the simulations after which you try to assist them to explore their reactions. 69

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Exercise 9.6 Effective questioning to assist in exploration of reactions to simulated material is no easy matter. After each person has tried the role of helper in Exercise 9.5, get together in pairs or small groups for a few minutes and prepare a list of questions that might be asked. Now repeat Exercise 9.5 and focus on practising these questions (you might like to compare your list of exploratory questions with the list in the appendix). The questions we found useful were:

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Exercise 9.7 Role reversal can be useful for helping you get in touch with feelings in relation to particular people. What are the interpersonal aspects of your job you have difficulty with? Think of a particular person you have had problems dealing with, someone with whom you have felt uncomfortable. Be that person. Have a partner be you and interact with them for a few minutes. Concentrate on getting into the body posture and movements, feel what it is like to be this person, talk the way they do. What sort of reaction do you get from the person playing you? What is your reaction to that? Discuss this experience with your partner.

Exercise 9.8 Read through the following (or ask someone to read it to you). In a minute I am going to ask you to conduct an interview in front of the video . . . As you think about this, to what extent are you engaging in some sort of rehearsal? Become aware of any thoughts or fantasies . . . What do you think might happen? How does your body feel? Stay in touch with your thoughts and feelings . . . How do you experience them? Close your eyes. Think of yourself in this situation for a minute or two. Then open your eyes. Share your thoughts, feelings and expectations with the person next to you. How was this experience for you?

Exercise 9.9 Look around at the other members of the group. Ask yourself, who in the group would I find it easy to talk to—feel comfortable with? Who in the group would I find it difficult to talk to—feel uncomfortable to be with? If you feel like a little adventure, risk pairing up with the latter. Take a few moments to be aware of what is going on inside you, then discuss how you feel. Some useful starting points are to complete the following sentences: When I thought of being with you I . . ., Now that I’m with you I feel . . . Be careful of your own mental constructions. Be aware of any tendency you have to blame the other (for example, You make me . . . ) or to interpret what is going on. For the first five minutes just be aware and report your awareness. After that invite your partner to say what is happening for them. Then after this discussion between you, sit quietly and absorb the experience.

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Exercise 9.10 Sentence completion using the following beginnings can be useful starters for interviews: ‘When I think about the future I see myself . . .’ ‘When I’m feeling anxious in a new situation I usually . . .’ Interview someone and have them start by completing one of these sentences. As you talk with this person, focus all your awareness on looking at the person and listening to what they have to say. Choose to do this. Be conscious of what you are doing. At one or two points during the conversation, and when it is over, switch your attention inside your body. What sensations and experience do you become aware of? What do you notice? Discuss this with your partner or make notes below.

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CHAPTER 10

Genuineness and respect The attitude of the effective counsellor, as well as their empathy for the one being helped, is very important. There are two vital elements of the helping experience that counsellors should bear in mind: • the effective counsellor is open, honest and direct with the client, does not play games or put on a front; and • they also behave in ways that show their respect for the client’s individuality and capacity for constructive action.

In Chapter 3 reference was made to the evidence that a positive outcome in counselling has much to do with the nature of the relationship established between counsellor and client. Furthermore, certain attitudes on the part of the counsellor seem to underpin this facilitative relationship. In brief, these main elements are empathy, genuineness and respect: the genuineness sometimes being described as congruence, authenticity or transparency; and respect as non-possessive warmth or unconditional positive regard. It seems that the counsellor not only needs to possess these attitudes but also they have to be characteristic of their behaviour and be perceived by the client. Such attitudes lead to a sense of safety and trust and set up conditions that encourage self-exploration, risk taking and assimilation of new and more positive experience. I don’t remember the source of the acrostic but someone said that the key elements in a helping relationship could be summed up as CARE, which stands for:

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C Communicated A Authenticity R Respect E Empathy Many sections of the book and a number of exercises have been chosen to enable the reader to understand what is involved, and to become more skilled in beginning such a relationship. In particular, much has been said about empathy. It is rather more difficult to treat genuineness and respect within the same framework but it is necessary to try. These elements of the relationship are too important to ignore.

Genuineness One of the most important things the counsellor or helper can do for the person in need of help is to be genuinely themselves within the context of the helping encounter. Indeed, one of the highest forms of respect we can show our clients is to be truly ourselves. In this way we show, not only that we are willing to take clients seriously, but also that we are willing to meet them as fellow human beings. Perhaps your reaction is, ‘That’s no big deal. Of course I will be myself in the helping session.’ If so, great! But there are some pitfalls. It is possible, for example, to role-play the part of counsellor or in some other way to hide behind a facade of what might be considered ‘proper’ behaviour. In the good old days when doctors used to make house calls we used to talk about the ‘bedside manner’, and there was an assumption that there was an appropriate style of doctor-to-patient behaviour and that this was an important part of being a doctor. In the context of being a counsellor or helper we can show respect for the client without being phoney—and this is the goal to strive for. Being authentic and genuine does not mean ‘letting it all hang out’. Self-disclosure does have some constructive part to play in counselling and helping but, especially in the early stages, the client’s vulnerability must be considered. The counsellor must make judgments as to the client’s developmental level and what is appropriate and not appropriate to say. It is possible to be honest without being brutally frank. 74

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In part, the previous chapter on self-awareness was aimed at promoting selfunderstanding and transparency, the means to increasing genuineness of the counsellor in the relationship with their client. In presenting this material I indicated (indirectly to be sure) that genuineness was characterised by openness, honesty, directness and the absence of manipulative role-playing. For many of us the main obstacle to being genuine is that we have been brought up to be polite, tactful, well-mannered. These attributes are highly valued in our society and the praise we receive from parents for doing and saying the ‘right’ thing serves to encourage development of these skills at an early age. Our society also values honesty, or at least pays lip-service to it as an ideal, but honesty clearly runs a poor second to tact. Consider, for example, the likely parental response to the child at his birthday party who on receiving auntie’s present of a book—the fifth such present—says, ‘Another rotten book!’ and flings it aside. Is he likely to be praised for his honesty and directness or punished for his lack of good manners? In contrast to our society’s general position on ‘good’ behaviour, Norman Kagan says that effective counsellors or helpers often use a response that he calls Honest Labelling. He describes this as ‘calling it the way you heard it’ (calling a spade a spade perhaps) versus toning down our response or avoiding dealing directly with the message. And he points out that it isn’t only unpleasant things that we can have difficulty dealing with honestly; we can be awkward and evasive in responding to positive statements as well: those expressing gratitude, liking for us or praise. Role-playing is something that we can easily slip into unconsciously. One possible role-playing strategy we should look out for, is that of professional or expert. The professional manner is a widely practised way of not being genuine. And very often this, or something like it, is what the client expects and applies pressure to achieve. Clients, like counsellors, can be highly manipulative. Sometimes manipulative strategies are consciously adopted but I am more concerned here to make you aware of the manipulative postures which, although widespread, are often adopted unconsciously. A number of systems useful in increasing awareness of manipulative ploys and behaviours have been advanced by writers such as Eric Berne, Fritz Perls and Virginia Satir. The concepts we will use here are those of 75

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Brammer and Shostrom. These writers suggest that four common styles of manipulative behaviour are: 1

Placating: Pacifying, smoothing over differences, being nice, defending others gently, covering up. ‘Oh it’s not so bad, really’; ‘We agree basically’; ‘You’ll be all right’; ‘Take it easy’.

2

Avoiding: Being quiet, pretending not to understand, changing the subject, playing weak, playing helpless, ‘I can’t help it’; ‘I didn’t hear you’; ‘I’m not much good at this sort of thing’; ‘I’m watching this program right now’.

3

Blaming: Judging, bullying, comparing, complaining. ‘It’s always your fault’; ‘You never . . .’; ‘Why don’t you . . .’; ‘Your sister would never . . .’.

4

Preaching: Lecturing using outside authority, ‘You should . . .’; ‘You must . . .’. Proving that you’re right by explaining, calculating, using logic, and so on. ‘Dr Atkinson says . . .’; ‘What you’re actually doing is . . . ’; ‘I read in Women’s Weekly . . .’; ‘Surveys show …’. Do any of these four roles seem familiar to you? Which seems to fit best for you? Are

any of these manipulative styles typical of other people you know?

Exercise 10.1 As I have pointed out, it is not always easy to be genuine. Can you picture a situation where it would be difficult for you to be fully genuine with a client? If you can, picture this situation and then, either in fantasy or preferably with a partner, role-play being phoney, less than honest, saying what you would feel like saying in the situation to get out of it more easily. Now role-play being genuine: telling the person how things really are. Be aware of your feelings in each case. If you are working with a partner notice how they respond in each case and ask how they experienced each of the two roles. As I adopted these two roles I noticed that:

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My partner’s comments were:

Exercise 10.2 If you are working in a group, team up with three other people to form a ‘family’. Decide who will be the Mother, Father, Son and Daughter. (If your group has three or five members you will need to make some quick adjustments.) Imagine that all four are engaged in a family quarrel. Like any quarrel there needn’t be any agreed theme or any logic. Just be the family member and start right in with whatever comes to mind. However, there are rules. At intervals of three minutes you are asked to try out each of the four manipulative roles described above, according to the following schedule:

Father

Mother

Son

Daughter

1st 3 minutes

Role 1

Role 2

Role 3

Role 4

2nd 3 minutes

Role 2

Role 3

Role 4

Role 1

3rd 3 minutes

Role 3

Role 4

Role 1

Role 2

4th 3 minutes

Role 4

Role 1

Role 2

Role 3

The role numbers are those accompanying the descriptions above for Placating, Avoiding, Blaming, Preaching. Get someone outside the group to give you time signals every three minutes. After 12 minutes stop. Enjoy the silence for a minute or two as you reflect on which role was easiest for you, felt the most comfortable, and which was the hardest. And how about the others in the group, which role seemed the most natural for each? Now discuss this experience for five minutes. What differences in style were there in the playing of each role? You might like to play the easiest and hardest roles again. What do you become aware of about yourself as you do this? And what comments and feedback did you get from others? 77

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Notes

Respect Respect is perhaps easier to come to grips with than genuineness. There are a number of ways in which we show respect to other people, although, as with genuineness, this is a value that we hold high, but don’t always put into practice in this community. We probably have ideas of how we can show respect but a reminder of how we fail to show respect may be needed from time to time and a checklist may be useful.

Some behaviours which show respect Some of the ways we show respect to another boil down to good old-fashioned politeness. We show respect in a number of ways, as shown in the examples below. •

Being on time for appointments.

•

Providing for the physical needs and comfort of the other.

•

Forestalling possible interruptions and hence minimising them.

•

Addressing the person by name and with a warm, accepting manner.

•

Showing consideration for personal attributes like perhaps shyness and being aware of cultural differences.

•

Looking at the person, making eye contact.

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•

Attending fully to what the other person is saying.

•

Seeking to understand how the world looks from the other’s point of view.

•

Respecting the other person’s right to hold opinions that may be different from our own.

•

Not talking down (being condescending), our choice of words, avoiding jargon, professional terms and abbreviations.

•

Showing that we value the other person’s thoughts and capacity for positive action.

•

Reinforcing positive action in appropriate ways. During interviewing exercises it will help strengthen these behaviours if people give

each other feedback, especially on perceptions such as the ones given below. •

I sensed that you were really trying to understand what I was saying.

•

You were very encouraging.

•

You seemed to want me to understand what you were saying. Positive reinforcement (provided of course, it is warranted) is especially helpful in a

training situation, when people are a little unsure of themselves. Harking back to Kagan, something to avoid is the tendency to try to soften the blow. People sometimes mistakenly believe that a way to show respect is to tone down or diminish certain material that they perceive to be hurtful or embarrassing to the other person. Presenting a toned-down message is tantamount to saying,‘I don’t think you are strong enough to bear the full weight of what I have to say.’ It is a vote of no confidence. Respect the other person by using words and phrases that are of appropriate strength. Frankness is one good way to show respect. Respect for a client is a more practical alternative than liking them. Life being what it is we won’t like everyone with whom we come in contact, but we can respect most people. That is, we can be accepting and respect each person’s individuality. In the probably rare case of finding ourselves with a client we really dislike or find we can’t respect, it will be beneficial to both of you if you can confront this honestly and try to help the man or woman find an alternative source of assistance. 79

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Exercise 10.3 What are some ways in which a counsellor demonstrates a lack of genuineness? Prepare a list of behaviours that indicate a lack or loss of genuineness and look out for ways in which you yourself behave which might seem to be inconsistent or artificial. Behaviours which show lack or loss of genuineness are:

Judging by client feedback and my own reflections some instances when I may have appeared less than genuine to the other person (during the past week) were:

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Concreteness and immediacy Two important ways in which the counsellor can help the client are: • by helping the client to bring all of their feelings out into the open and to look at the situation honestly and in concrete terms; and • by using interactions in the interview itself as examples of how the client typically deals with interpersonal situations.

The two skills to be dealt with here have to do with bringing out maximum clarity and detail about what is going on in the counselling relationship at any particular point in time.

Concreteness In presenting their concerns and issues clients are often rather vague. They know they are upset and, generally, know what they are upset about, but often are quite unclear as to what causes what. One of the basic tools possessed by the counsellor is the ability, when presented with vague, blurry outlines to help the client name names and state cases. The simplest and most used tool is the question: ‘Can you give me an example?’ or ‘Just when does this happen?’ Sometimes it is enough to say simply, ‘Can you tell me more about that?’ To a degree we have already done some work on concreteness. This is moving from vague generalities to specific instances, specific people, specific feelings. When we ask, ‘Could you give me an example?’ or ‘I didn’t understand what you said about . . .’, we are 81

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encouraging the other person to be more concrete. And of course, we have also spent time trying to get clear about our own feelings and concerns and the need to deal with them in concrete terms. So what is said here is by way of emphasis. Being concrete is a means to self-exploration and a step towards increased understanding. We often try to avoid truths and clear-cut labels as though vagueness is the best way to deal with situations and people that bother us, when in fact the opposite is much more likely to be the case. Bringing all our feelings out in the open and looking honestly at the whole situation in concrete terms is a big step towards dealing with them constructively. Egan suggests a useful framework for thinking about concreteness. He believes concreteness means talking about specific experiences, specific behaviours and specific feelings. Experience means what happens to me; behaviour means what I do; and the feelings are those that accompany my experiences and behaviour. In each of these areas vagueness and partial expressions may be used and our task as helpers is to encourage specificity. Consider some examples. We often talk in terms like, ‘I had a rotten day’, ‘Everyone was picking on me’, ‘I felt uncomfortable in this group’, ‘I’ve made a mess of things’. Translating these statements into concrete terms can be achieved by asking, ‘What happened to you?’, ‘What did you do?’, ‘How did you feel about that?’ For example, ‘I had a rotten day’, in concrete terms might mean: ‘My train was late and this resulted in my being late for a meeting. The chairman made a sarcastic remark as I walked in and people laughed. I was angry at this but just smiled. My unexpressed anger has been there ever since and above all I am angry at myself for accepting the criticism and not being more assertive.’

Immediacy The other major concept introduced in this chapter is that of immediacy—bringing the therapeutic conversation into the here and now by using the present tense and referring to what is going on right now between counsellor and client. So that, for example, a male client might be telling the counsellor that some of his past contacts with therapists have been less than satisfactory and that he has been left with the sense that he has been wasting his time. The counsellor might respond by saying, ‘And you are wondering 82

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about me. Will I be able to help you in a more lasting way.’ Or, to take another example, the client might be relating to a woman counsellor how he is inclined to become flustered when talking to women on intimate topics. ‘Are you experiencing that here with me now?’ she might ask. The counselling session, in a sense, provides a laboratory setting in which the client can feel safe and within this setting can explore and try things out. Being valued and respected, listened to empathically, responded to genuinely, helped to be concrete, and given opportunity and encouragement to use the present situation to gain further insights and understanding provide valuable conditions for self-exploration, discovery and growth.

Exercise 11.1 Probably the best way to understand concreteness is to experience the difference between vague and specific versions of your own experience, behaviour and feelings. First of all, write down three vague statements of recent experiences (for example, People put me down), three vague statements about behaviours (for example, I always mess things up), and then three or four vague statements of feelings associated with experiences and behaviours (for example, I feel awkward in social situations). Now make each of these statements as concrete as possible, write down concrete statements in each case. What do you discover as you do this? What does the process of changing from vague to concrete statements add to your self-understanding? Vague statements of experience. (What happens to me. For example, ‘People walk all over me’.) a

b

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c

Vague statements of behaviour. (What I do. For example, ‘I screwed up like I always do’.) a

b

c

Vague statements of feelings that accompany experience and behaviour. (For example, ‘I am sick and tired of people.’ ‘I can’t handle it’.) a

b

c

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Concrete statements of experience. (What actually happened?) a

b

c

Concrete statements of behaviour. (What did you actually do?) a

b

c

Concrete statements of feelings. (Were you angry or what? How did you experience these feelings? What did you feel like doing?) a

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b

c

Exercise 11.2 Choose someone with whom you don’t feel completely comfortable. In your mind complete the sentence: ‘If I told you what I’m feeling now . . .’ just add the first words that come. Now face your partner and say the sentence out loud. Now take a few minutes to discuss the sentence and how you felt as you said it (and how he or she feels and responds). If you feel comfortable enough doing it, you might risk stating your actual feelings at this point. How well did your partner’s reaction fit with your original sentence? Reverse the process. Some useful sentences are: ‘You give me the impression that . . .’. ‘If I acted on impulse right now, I would . . .’.

Notes

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Exercise 11.3 This exercise is based on Kagan’s system of interpersonal recall. It involves four people. Pair up with someone you haven’t worked with before and interview that person for 10 minutes on a personal concern. While this is going on the other pair engages in an interview also. I will call you A and your partner B and the others C and D. After the interviews, A and C get together and B and D get together. C and D have the task of helping A and B bring out into the open the thoughts and feelings they were having, but not expressing during their interview. For this purpose, the list of exploratory questions included in Chapter 8 makes a useful starting point. Thus C asks you: ‘How were you feeling about the interview when it started?’ ‘Did you have any general expectations?’ ‘What did you think might happen?’ ‘Was there any point in the interview when you felt: Aha, yes, he’s (she’s) got it?’ ‘Were there any frustrations for you?’ ‘What were your impressions of B?’ And so on. While this is going on B and D are engaged in a similar exercise. D is helping B to recall and recreate his or her view of the interview. Allow about 10 minutes for this and then all four of you get together: C and D can now help you and your partner look at the interview in its fullness, can help you express the things you thought of saying but didn’t say, can help you bring out into the open the impressions, fantasies and feelings that were present. This exchange is likely to be much franker, and much more immediate. Allow 10 minutes for this discussion and then take two minutes to reflect. What is going on in you now? Is there anything you haven’t said that you would like to say? What do you think might happen if you said it? When this exercise has been completed, change roles. You and your partner help C and D look at their interview in the same way.

Notes

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Exercise 11.4 Pay attention to how you talk to others in various situations—at home, at work, with your friends socially. Notice which vague words and phrases you use most frequently. Does it vary from situation to situation—how? If you have difficulty identifying vague word usage ask a friend (or spouse, sibling, etc.)—someone who knows you well—to help you. You might want to get them started with two or three examples (Sort of; You know; So-so, etc.) With this person’s help, make a list. Go through the list and mark the frequency of use—occasionally, fairly often, frequently. Do you feel comfortable with this list or would some changes be in order? What differences did you identify in how vague or concrete you were when talking to particular people?

Notes

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Summarising and confrontation There are times in any interview situation where the counsellor will find it useful to paraphrase or condense what has been discussed.There may also be times when the counsellor will have to clarify inconsistencies between the client’s words and behaviour. This chapter covers the following: • at various points during an interview, at its completion, or at the beginning of a subsequent interview, the counsellor summarises what has been discussed • themes, inconsistencies and gaps may be of particular importance; and • the effective counsellor draws attention to these and encourages the client to confront them.

The thrust of this book has been to assist people to develop listening skills, sensitivity to others’ needs, skills of empathic responding—what Carkhuff has called facilitative skills. The intention has been to assist professionals who have an element of counselling in their work rather than to train counsellors as such. What we have dealt with is relevant, of course, to counsellors and could well form part of their training. The difference however, lies mainly in where we go from here. I am assuming that for the most part, a nurse, lawyer, school teacher, while perhaps having an ongoing relationship with a client, would not have time, even if they had the desire and felt competent, to enter into long-term counselling with that person. The listening skills would be helpful in that the 89

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person would be better understood and assisted within the context of the particular service being rendered and also, if necessary, would be assisted to locate appropriate agencies for ongoing counselling or therapy. Having said this, I recognise that the demarcation points are rarely clear-cut and that some account must be taken of the fact that some contacts will be over a longer time period. So this chapter will touch on some aspects of counselling which are appropriate to longer single interviews and to counselling involving a number of interviews. By the nature of things it is more difficult to provide exercises that enable practice of the skills involved here but exercises will be included where possible.

Summarising In Chapter 6 on Listening we did a number of exercises which were aimed at taking in the whole of what another person said, all the words together with the feelings, emphasis, contradictory messages and so on. Then in Chapter 7 on Empathy we moved on to trying to capture the essence and strength of feelings and content in a single statement. We talked about crystallising feelings in a word or two and summarising content in a brief paraphrase. These are foundation skills that can be worked on and developed. When we are concerned with a longer statement by a person, perhaps a speech that covers five minutes or so, a paraphrase or summary at the end is often particularly appropriate. Indeed you may be having difficulty taking it all in and may decide to interrupt with a statement like, ‘Before you go on, just let me check out what I think you’re saying.’ Make your summary and then ask, ‘Is that it?’ Likewise at the end of an interview it is appropriate to summarise what seem to be the main points, conclusions reached and especially, decisions regarding future action. Again it is well to check this summary with the other person to see if it tallies with their perceptions of what has happened and what is to be done next. Then again, it is useful at the beginning of a subsequent interview to start by summarising your recollections and impressions of what happened in the last session. This often leads naturally into asking, ‘What’s been happening to you since then?’ or ‘How did it work out?’ 90

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Over a longer period, certain things stand out. It may be that certain themes emerge, certain specific feelings are evoked whenever a particular person or situation is mentioned, or you may become aware that certain elements seem to be missing from what is being said. It is part of your task as a listener to ‘hear’ these things and to draw attention to them. So, in the present context, summarisation by pulling threads together from several parts of an interview or from several interviews is also something to be aimed for. In brief, summarising is like paraphrasing and reflection of feeling but deals with a longer time span. It is the bringing together of the main threads of a client’s story over a period of time. So, if a client has been talking for 10 minutes, a summary may be a useful way to bring out the theme of what they have been saying. The condensation is often much clearer than what might have been a rambling account. Summarising (the previous interview) is a way to begin a subsequent interview, may be useful once or twice during an interview, and can be a good way to clarify what has happened at the end.

Exercise 12.1 Remember an interview you had with a person in the group at an earlier session. If there is mutual agreement, have a second interview with that person. Start by summarising the main points from last time and at the end of the interview summarise again. Work within an agreed time interval—say 20 minutes—so that you can get some practice in ending the interview with a summary. ‘Our time’s about up for today. I’d just like to summarise what has been happening and where I think we’ve got to.’

Notes

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Confrontation Confrontation is a word often used in a political context in association with such events as summit meetings, strikes and disputes. It tends to suggest one power bloc challenging another and has elements of ‘getting heavy with’. Because of these associations I tend to shy away from using the word in counselling. And yet ‘confrontation’ does have specific meaning in this context and is a useful tool if used sparingly and with good appreciation of timing. Inner voice: Stop beating around the bush! What is this thing called ‘confrontation’? Why are you handling it with kid gloves? I’ve known you a long time. It seems to me that you just don’t like confronting people and therefore you decide it’s difficult and something for other people to be wary of. Me:

I recognise some truth in what you say but it is only part of the story. Furthermore, I don’t like the way you are talking to me. Just because you’ve known me a long time doesn’t give you licence to talk to me like that. In fact, knowing me so long I would have thought you might have learnt that an approach like that wasn’t likely to get you very far.

Inner voice: OK! OK! I get your point. You are so busy being defensive and attacking me back that you have slid right off the subject. I still think you are not very comfortable with the idea of confrontation. What do you think? Me:

I think you are now being more reasonable. That’s what I think. Yes, I agree that confrontation is something I’m not all that comfortable in using myself. I also think it has some dangers. Confronting can be another word for attacking and it can be counterproductive, especially if used early in a contact and too often. This spontaneous little outburst illustrates fairly well some of the elements that can

so easily enter into confrontation, elements like hostility and over-generalisation. The first inner voice statement is an example of what Egan calls irresponsible selfconfrontation. The second one is more likely to be listened to, but here the voice has to start from behind scratch, to counter the hostility aroused by his first statement. Confrontation can easily misfire. When you confront someone with what seems to you to be an obvious inconsistency between words and behaviour or an obvious gap, something the person seems to be avoiding, you are really putting forward an impression, a hypothesis. It is more likely to be right if it has developed out of 92

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observation over several interviews than over several minutes. It is more likely to be listened to if put forward as an impression than if put forward as a dogmatic statement, or in hostile terms. And even if it is well off the track, it is more likely to be tolerated if it comes from the context of a caring, trusting relationship. Probably the briefest way to state it is that in counselling, confrontation is a skill in which the counsellor learns to identify and confront the client with discrepancies and inconsistencies that show up in the interview. The discrepancy may be between what the person says and their behaviour while they are saying it (that is, between their verbal and non-verbal communication); it might be between their stated values and their behaviour (that is, the person says it is important to them to be a good parent and yet seems to spend as little time as possible with their children—something always comes up); or it may be a distortion (that is, the client says they find it very easy to socialise and yet report feedback from others that indicates lack of popularity). The counsellor needs to be sensitive to these discrepancies, some of which are much less obvious than the examples presented above, and having recognised them to present them to the client in a way that can be heard. The essence of the confrontation statement is captured in the model sentence: ‘On one hand, you think/feel/behave . . . but on the other hand, you think/feel/behave . . .’ Confrontation needs to be tempered with supporting qualities of warmth, positive regard, and respect.

Exercise 12.2 Select one or two areas in your own life where you feel you could benefit from some challenge, by being confronted with some discrepancy or inconsistency. Write down first an irresponsible self-confrontation (that is, don’t choose your words carefully, just let yourself have it with the first words that come to mind, be blunt) and then try a more responsible approach, one that takes account of your sensitivities, one you would be most likely to take notice of. When you have done that, pair up with someone and discuss the qualitative differences between the irresponsible and responsible statements as you perceive them. You don’t have to share the actual challenges (although, of course, you can if you choose) but see if you can identify the qualities that distinguish them. 93

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Irresponsible self-confrontations

Responsible self-confrontations

Qualities that distinguish responsible from irresponsible self-confrontations

A few other skills will be introduced before we close in order to illustrate some of the other ways a counsellor can work with a client to aid self-exploration, selfunderstanding and constructive action. 94

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Interpretation and reframing By interpreting or reframing the client’s statements, the counsellor provides the client with a new and alternative way in which to view their problems and themselves, and this new viewpoint can lead to the discovery of a new set of action possibilities. The listening skills of paraphrasing and reflection of feeling are entirely a response to the client’s perspective whereas, in reframing, the counsellor starts with the client’s experience as reported but adds a fresh perspective—a new set of possible meanings for the same events or circumstances. The use and value of the additive response was discussed in Chapter 8. A level 5 response, for example, was described as one where the counsellor adds an interpretation that not only catches the major meanings of the client, but adds something new to facilitate growth and exploration. Provided the client can accept what is offered as valid or at least see it as a reasonable possibility, the interpretation or reframe can have a freeing effect and can lay the groundwork for further exploration and changes in client behaviour. If, on the other hand, the interpretation—however accurate as judged by the counsellor and others—is seen by the client as fanciful or preposterous it will be rejected and will not lead to any positive change. This latter fact leads to our cautious advocacy of this skill and underlines that it will be useful if it follows the mastery of the listening skills.

Focus and selective attention Beginning counsellors and helpers often focus on problems instead of the people in front of them. Consider the following: Client:

My fourteen-year-old son is giving me some real headaches lately and I think I need help. I’ve come hoping you can help me anyway. Until recently I thought I had it in hand but yesterday I had a call from his teacher. It seems he has been leaving the school grounds during the day without permission. I’ve got to go and see them but I don’t want to tell his father. He will kill the boy.

Counsellor: Has he been in trouble at school before? Tell me about his history. Client:

He’s a good boy really but since he started at this school he seems to have become friendly with a few wild kids. 95

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The interviewer assumes that the boy is the problem and that he should be the focus of the interview. Instead of this approach, let us imagine that the counsellor had started differently and that this time the initial focus had been on the client (the mother). This approach doesn’t rule out the possibility that her problems in parenting the son would have surfaced and become the main focus, but it takes nothing for granted. So in response to the client’s opening (above), the counsellor has this to say: Counsellor: I can hear your concern. You’ve been able to handle the situation with your son until quite recently but now you are not so sure—and you don’t think your husband will be any help, in fact he may add to the problem. What is it you are hoping I might be able to do to help you? Client:

Ben’s a good boy really and he and I get along all right. It’s just that this particular teacher always seems to make me feel like I’m a hopeless parent and I want to be ready for her this time. I’d like some help in sorting out what to say to her so that I won’t get mad.

The counsellor is avoiding the temptation to assume they know what the problem is and that they can solve it. The counsellor is listening to the client, acknowledging her feelings and is asking her to elucidate—a much more productive starting point. As the interview progresses the focus could change and, at different points, it could be appropriate to focus on the son, Ben, on the teacher, on the father. But these points of focus are only some of the possibilities. In fact, they may be considered as falling into just two categories—Client focus and Other focus. In addition to these there are several other possibilities—Family focus, Problem/main theme focus (for example, parenting), interviewer focus, ‘We’ focus and Cultural/environmental/contextual focus. In the more traditional approaches to counselling, focus is most often on the client and their concerns but, depending on the orientation of the counsellor, it can just as readily be on the family or say on Cultural/environmental/contextual factors.

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Exercise 12.3 If you have been working in a group for several weeks you may be ready for the confrontation round robin. The whole group forms pairs and the two in each pair take turns in confronting each other. Person A makes a statement to B concerning some asset, something he or she has observed A do well. Then this is followed by a confrontation, for example, an observation as to an inconsistency. Person B paraphrases what he or she has heard A say and then responds. The point can be discussed for a few minutes and then the process is reversed. The group working on a prearranged time schedule changes pairs after 10 minutes (or whatever the agreed interval is). There should be opportunity for each person to confront and be confronted by each other person in the group. Throughout the exercise, keep in mind your previous experience of self-confrontation and the qualitative differences of Exercise 12.2. Example:

I was very impressed with the interview you had with Robin a few weeks ago. It seemed to me you were spot on. Every statement seemed to really catch the essence of his feeling. I thought at the time that you were warm, accepting and a model for empathy. But then last week when you were interviewing Patricia, I thought I caught a different note. You seemed to be harsh and judgmental at times. Were you aware of this difference? What was going on?

One of the strengths of this exercise is that in the space of an hour or so you get impressions and feedback from eight or ten other people. There is no collusion, but it is surprising how many people will comment on the same things. So at the end you may be left with two or three themes which have been repeated and perhaps developed. At this stage or subsequently, it is desirable to take time to share your experience of the whole exercise with other members of the group. Some positive statements made to me in this exercise were:

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Some things people questioned me about were:

Exercise 12.4 Now that you have reached the end, take out your original statement of aims for this course (Exercise 2.1) and see how you made out. Do not gloss over anything. Take each statement from your original list, one at a time and ask yourself to what extent you have achieved that goal for yourself. Pay particular attention to any goal you have forgotten or avoided. What does this forgetting or avoiding tell you? Have you concentrated on one or two goals and only just touched on others? And how do you assess your current level of skill, your strengths and weaknesses? What are you going to do about the weaknesses? As I checked through my original statement I became aware that . . .

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Some things I would like to work on now are:

My next step is:

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Appendix Possible responses to exercises You alone can evaluate your answers to many of the exercises threaded throughout this book. For example, in Exercise 2.1 you are asked to prepare a brief written statement of your aims and objectives in reading this book. Have a look at what you wrote there. Does it represent a fair and honest statement? Is it complete? Did you write what you thought was expected of you? Or did you skirt around some important issues? Ultimately, no one but you can judge the accuracy and completeness of what you wrote. On the other hand, I am providing possible answers to some exercises with the aim of helping readers, especially those who are working on their own, to check whether they are on the right track. I must stress, however, that these possible responses are in no sense the correct answers. There are no single correct or even, best answers, and neither are there any wrong answers. What is provided in these pages is meant to be nothing more than a guide. It will help if it expands your thinking and, ultimately, the development of your helping skills.

Exercise 5.1 Some notes on observing and giving feedback The first task in observing an interview is to be unobtrusive. Keep still. Avoid sudden movements. Do not interject questions or offer comments. Make notes. Write down what you see and hear: the questions the interviewer asked and the responses given, together with any noticeable shifts in voice tone, posture or other physical movements. In providing feedback keep your commentary and critique to a minimum. Remember, just the facts, man! The most important thing is what did the interviewer say or do that seemed to strike a responsive chord in the person being interviewed? Did the interviewer attempt to encourage the other to explore his or her own dilemma? How did he or she do that? How effective was it?

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An important principle to keep in mind is that positive comments are much more likely to be accepted than negative ones. So, don’t hesitate to offer praise if you believe it to be warranted. So, you might say, ‘I especially liked it when you said . . . This seemed to be a real turning point in the interview.’ Also, if appropriate, you might ask the interviewee questions: ‘What thoughts went through your mind when the interviewer asked you . . .? You looked a little startled at that point.’ And, very important, avoid any temptation to interpret or track down the client’s real problem. Your job is to observe, to watch and listen and to report back what you see and hear. Your first priority is to observe the literal happenings in the interview and to report these as accurately as possible. This is no small task. Your role as a third pair of eyes and ears can make a very helpful contribution to the learning process.

Exercise 7.1 Feeling states

Strong

Medium

Weak

Angry

Sad

Confused

Joyful

Frightened

Furious

Sorrowful

Bewildered

Euphoric

Terrified

Mad

Miserable

Lost

Great

Horrified

Livid

Dejected

Fogged

Stoked

Afraid

Ropeable

Depressed

Trapped

Elated

Fearful

Annoyed

Unhappy

Disorganised

Bright

Nervous

Upset

Glum

Befuddled

Cheerful

Apprehensive

Agitated

Deflated

Bemused

Happy

Threatened

Riled

Despondent

Baffled

Excited

Insecure

Irritated

Flat

Muddled

Pleased

Anxious

Cross

Bad

Uncertain

Contented

Timid

Put out

Low

Puzzled

Good

Uneasy

Dismayed

Down

Dithery

Glad

Unsure

This list is, of course, incomplete. You may wish to add to it. Also, you may wish to argue about the categorisation. The words carry different emphasis at different times and vary from individual to individual. Cultural differences also play a big part. The main point always is to concentrate on what feeling the particular person is experiencing. 102

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Appendix

Exercise 7.3 Some possible responses Step 1 (a) frustrated, disappointed, annoyed, a failure (b) inadequate, helpless, worthless, filled with self-doubt (c) disappointed, unhappy, disadvantaged, inadequate Step 2 (a) Her perceived inability to teach 12 and 13-year-olds effectively (b) His difficulty in meeting the expectations of some people at work (c) Her lack of assertiveness, in her view she is selling herself short Step 3 (a) You feel disappointed because you aren’t more effective in motivating this group (b) You feel rather helpless because you can’t meet their expectations (d) You feel unhappy because you tend to sell yourself short

Exercise 8.1 Some possible answers and responses (1a) ‘You feel that you have put a lot into the relationship without her responding at all, which is pretty unfair. So you feel angry and frustrated.’ Or, ‘So you feel absolutely fed up with giving everything and receiving nothing. Is that it?’ And how about,‘Am I right in saying that you feel let down by this person and because you’ve given up on her you are feeling a little disappointed in yourself at the same time?’ (1b) Yes. If this occurred in the first interview it would be appropriate to put more emphasis on encouraging her to explore further. If it occurred later, a response reflecting a deeper level of empathy and perhaps, confrontation, would be the aim. (1c) Quite inadequate. She is likely to think, ‘He (she) couldn’t have been listening.’ (2a) This response might reassure the man—make him feel a little better—but it doesn’t do much by way of acknowledging or clarifying his feelings. Nor does it encourage him to expand further. (2b) This could be a useful suggestion but it is too early in the piece to know. (2c) This response picks up the feeling quite adequately and seems to be an appropriate response. (2d) This response is also all right. It acknowledges the man’s feelings and encourages further exploration and clarification. 103

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(3a) This response ignores the feelings and therefore must rate 1 on this type of empathy rating scale. (3b) This response pays little attention to feelings and might rate a 1.5 or 2. (3c) This response goes a little beyond the surface level of the client’s statement and, assuming accuracy, might rate a 5. (3d) This is a good reflective summary and rates a 4.

Exercise 9.6 Some exploratory questions Thoughts •

At the beginning did you have any general expectations?

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What did you think might happen?

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What did you think the other was thinking?

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What did you want to happen?

Feelings •

What were you feeling?

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When else do you feel this way?

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Do you think the other person would have been aware of how you felt?

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What do you think the other was feeling?

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What is it about you that allowed the other person to feel that way?

Bodily sensations •

Were you aware of any sensations in your body?

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Were you aware of any tension or other body feelings?

Images •

Did the person remind you of anyone?

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Did you fantasise any dialogue with this other person?

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Were there any pictures or images that came into your mind?

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Any imagined outcomes?

Actions •

What would you probably do in this situation?

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What would you really like to do?

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Appendix

Exercise 10.3 Behaviours which show lack or loss of genuineness •

Acting the part of counsellor (perhaps sitting back with fingertips pressed together, adopting a professional or superior tone of voice, or alternatively, adopting an overly friendly manner).

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Saying things, not because they are what you believe but because they seem to be what the client wants to hear.

•

Pretending to be interested when you are not. If your lack of interest is due to the client’s ramblings it might be useful to be honest and confront this. Therefore, you might say, ‘You know, I am having a hard time staying interested in your story. You seem to be all over the place. Just exactly what is it you are trying to tell me?’ If, on the other hand, your difficulty is arising from a state of over-tiredness or stems from some trauma such as the recent death of a loved one, it would be appropriate to apologise and try again, or, in extreme circumstances, to reschedule the appointment.

Exercise 12.2 Some characteristics of irresponsible and responsible self-confrontations Irresponsible

Responsible

Wide sweeping

Specific

Dogmatic

More tentative

Judgmental

Questioning, more reasoned

Accusing

Accepting

Angry

Compassionate, calmer

Blaming

Neutral, no implication of guilt

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References—further reading Berne, E 1976, Beyond games and scripts, Random House, London, UK. Bozarth, J 1999, Person-centered therapy: a revolutionary paradigm, PCCS Books, Ross-onWye, UK. Brammer, LM, & Macdonald, G 2002, The helping relationship: process and skills, 8th edn, Allyn & Bacon, Boston. Brammer, LM, & Shostrom, EL 1977, Therapeutic psychology: fundamentals of counseling and psychotherapy, 3rd edn, Prentice-Hall, Inc., Englewood Cliffs, NJ. Carkhuff, RR 1969, Helping and human relations, vol. 1 & 2, Holt, Rinehart & Winston, New York. Carkhuff, RR 2000, The art of helping in the 21st century, Human Resources Press, Amherst, Mass. Carkhuff, RR, & Carkhuff, BG 1977, Beyond counseling and therapy, 2nd edn, Holt, Rinehart & Winston, New York. Cormier, S, & Hackney, H 1999, Counseling strategies and interventions, 5th edn, Allyn & Bacon, Boston. Corsini, RJ, & Wedding, D (eds) 2000, Current psychotherapies, 6th edn, Peacock Publishers, Itasca, IL. Daniels, T, & Ivey, A 2005, Microcounseling, 3rd edn, Thomas, Springfield, IL. Egan, G 2002, The skilled helper, 7th edn, Brooks/Cole, Pacific Grove, CA. Garfield, SL 1995, Psychotherapy: an eclectic-integrative approach, 2nd edn, Wiley, New York. Ivey, A, & Ivey, M 2003, Intentional interviewing and counseling: facilitating development in a multicultural society, 5th edn, Brooks/Cole, Pacific Grove, CA. Ivey, A, D’andrea, M, Ivey, M, & Simek-Morgan, L 2002, Theories of counseling and therapy: a multicultural approach, Allyn & Bacon, Boston. Ivey, A, Ivey, M, Myers, J, & Sweeney, T 2005, Developmental counseling and therapy: promoting wellness over the lifespan, Lahaska/Houghton-Mifflin, Boston. Kagan, N 1975, Interpersonal process recall: a method of influencing human interaction, Michigan State University. Lazarus, AA 1997, Brief but comprehensive psychotherapy: the multimodal way, Springer, New York.

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Norcross, JC (ed.) 2002, Psychotherapy relationships that work: therapist contributions and responsiveness to patient needs, Oxford University Press, New York. Perls, FS 1969, In and out the garbage pail, Real People Press, Lafayette, California. Perls, FS 1969, Gestalt therapy verbatim, Real People Press, Lafayette, California. Ponterotto, JG, Fuertes, JN, & Chen, EC 2000, Models of multicultural counseling. In SD Brown & RW Lent (eds), Handbook of counseling psychology, 3rd edn, Wiley, New York. Prochaska, JO, Norcross, JC, & Sweeney, MC 1999, Gender- and culture-sensitive therapies. In JO Prochaska & JC Norcross, Systems of psychotherapy: A transtheoretical approach, 4th edn, Brooks/Cole, Pacific Grove, CA. Rogers, CR 1957, ‘The necessary and sufficient conditions of therapeutic personality change’, Journal of Consulting Psychology, vol. 21, pp. 95–103. Rogers, CR 1958, ‘A process conception of psychotherapy’, American Psychologist, vol. 13, `pp. 142–59. Rogers, CR 1961, On becoming a person. Houghton-Mifflin, Boston. Rogers, CR, & Stevens, B 1973, Person to person: the problem of being human, Pocket Books (Simon & Schuster, Inc.), New York. Satir, V 1966, Conjoint family therapy, Science & Behaviour Books, Palo Alto, California. Shostrom, EL 1967, Man the manipulator, Abingdom, Big Sur, California. Shutz, WC 1973, Elements of encounter, Joy Press, Big Sur, California. Stevens, JO 1971, Awareness: exploring, experimenting, experiencing, Axis Publishing, Herts, UK. Sue, DW, Ivey, AE, & Pederson, PB 1996, A theory of multicultural counseling and therapy, Brooks/Cole, Pacific Grove, CA. Truax, CB, & Carkhuff, RR 1967, Towards effective counseling and psychotherapy, Aldine Publishing, Chicago.

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Developing Helping Skills Maurice A. Howe

Developing Helping Skills is written for a range of professional groups including teachers, clergy, nurses, general practitioners, human resource managers, police, lawyers, childcare professionals and financial consultants. It could be used as either a self-help manual or for group training. Effective counselling skills and insights have much to offer professionals who can promote satisfactory life adjustment and useful coping styles among their clients and colleagues.

Australian Council for Education Research

Skills cover.indd 1

Maurice A. Howe

Maurice Howe, former Head of the Department of Psychology at Swinburne Institute of Technology (now Swinburne University of Technology), has used the material in this book to teach counselling to undergraduate and graduate students in Australia and the United States of America. He is a graduate of the University of Western Australia, has a Masters degree from the University of Melbourne, and a Doctorate in Education from the University of Massachusetts at Amherst. Maurice is a Life Member and Fellow of the Australian Psychological Society, and is a Fellow and former national President of the Australian Human Resources Institute.

Developing Helping Skills

Developing Helping Skills is a useful resource for understanding the aims and developing the essential skills, involved in counselling, helping situations and interviews. In each chapter, the important skills are defined and illustrated, and numerous exercises are provided to help ensure skill building through practise. As you work your way through the chapters, along with the satisfaction of seeing your listening and interviewing skills grow, you will gain a deeper understanding of yourself and will be better able to apply your new or enhanced skills when interacting with others, whether in professional or social situations.

Developing Helping Skills Second edition

Maurice A. Howe 10/1/06 11:37:16 AM