Becoming

BECOMING by Catherine Lanigan

Other Lessure books by Catherine Lanigan: SEDUCED y y &'Ml"7ff e Ldmgdn LEISURE BOOKS NEW YORK CM

This book is dedic4sed to the adminirtnition. staff and personnel of STAR OF HOPE WWON in Houston,Texas, and to a1l the volunteers and landhearted souls'Ao give their time and emotions to women @ shelters across the nation. With their guiding fightfor so many troubled families, this world is truly the brightest home in the universe A LEISURE BOOKQD June 1997 Published by Dorchester Publisbing CD, Inc. 276 Fifth Avemm New York, NY 10001 If you Purchased this book without a cover you should be aware that this book is stolen property It was reported as "unsold and destroyed" to the publisher and neither The and= not the pubIlisher has recerved any payment for this ' stripped book:' Copyright 0 1997 by Cvhaine Lanigan All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means, including phowcopyin& recording or by my informadon. stworage and retrieval system, without the written permission of the Publisher, owept where permitted by lawThe nome "Le=w BookC and the stylized "U' with design are trademarks of Dorchester Publishing CD., Inc. Printed in the United States of America.

Chapter One Orleans, June 1996 iage-packed fist hit her jaw. She heard an odd- .,felt a g crunch before she felt the pain and was unsure the sound had come from her jawbone or the crackhis fingers. She prayed it was the latter. She wanted "to hurt as much as she was ... or more. Before Jim had to land a second blow from his left hand to her right she ducked and scrambled out of his line of vision. Jim 4nuik and she knew from past experience that when he Jhis far gone he'd never be able to keep up with her moves. She dodged to the right and whirled around him. She didn't dare kick him or land a blow because Id only become more angry. What she wanted was to him. sharp, jabbing pain in her jaw had,radiated to include felt like half her face, but she couldn't waste a split

Catherine Lanigan second thinking about it or she would lose her advantage over him. Jim grabbed her arm. "You bitch!" He squeezed very hard on the fleshy underside of her arm. Susan winced and tried to break free, but Jim only tightened his grip. She screamed. "Awww! Let me go!" Su enly Susan became terrified that her cries would wake Robbi, her seven-year-old son, who was sleeping in the first bedroom down the hall. She closed her mouth and glared at Jim. -That's right. That's right. You don't want to wake Robbie. Precious Robbie. You'd do anything for him, wouldn'tcha? But you won't for me, huh? isn't that about the size of it?" "Let me go, Jim." She struggled against him, forcing her- self to forget that he was her husband, the man she loved and who was supposed to love her. Jim wasn't Jim anymore. "No. I want you to listen to me." "I'll listen when you're sober.- "You don't listen to me then, Nobody does. Not you. Not your precious Robbie-"

either.

"He's your son, too," Susan tried to reason with him. She made a special effort to keep her voice soothing and clear of the pain she felt from her jaw and in her heart. "You claim. Guess I'll never really know.- He dug his emotional knife in deep for the kill, yet the thought caused him to falter for a half moment. The glitch in time gave Susan the break she needed. She wrenched free of his grasp and dodged his next attack when he dove toward her with the full force of his body. Susan was taking no chances. She quickly turned to the right and stuck her leg directly across his path, tripping him. Jim went sailing toward the hardwood floor and landed hard, as if he'd passed out cold in midair. His head banged on the floor with a sickening thud. Becoming san counted to three before she approached Jim's body. didn't care if he was dead. She needed to be certain he 4asn't stil I awake and simply waiting to pounce on her again. stood cautiously next to his still body. She kicked him y in the ribs. She felt like one of those heroines in a ie thriller when the audience is screaming, "Don't go him! He's stiff alive! Stay away! Stay away!" Susan heeded her own inner voice and quickly stepped over and went straight to her bedroom. )i.,Finafly the night had come when she could execute her *U_ She went to her bedroom and from under the bed pulled :4A four pieces of brand-new soft collapsible luggage still in shopping bag from WalMart. She rolled up the WalMart and shoved it under the belt in her jeans for later use. AW-quickly opened all her drawers in the bureau and began arefully filling the suitcases. Everything fit nicely and neatly, as she'd thought. For six months Susan Kidd had thought of nothing else how she would escape from Jim. The question of if should leave Jim had been settled in her mind after Christlast year,

when Jim had hit her for the first time. Her ,or was so badly blackened, she'd spent nearly. the entire &@h of January indoors. She knew that if he'd crossed the ihn once, he would surely beat her again. That January she W devised her plan and begun to make subtle alterations in lhgv@ay she kept house. @.@.,:susan had placed in the first bureau drawer all the things 266- would need when she ran away: passport, credit cards, *ngs bonds, cash-it was only three hundred dollars she'd iiov &-W O&V saved from her grocery money, but still cash. One pair of hoop earrings, a ruby dinner ring her parents had given W,Won her eighteenth birthday, and her small diamond en- ment ring had all been carefully placed inside a blue cloth bag with the Seagram's Royal Crown logo on the front. The Kidds owned many of these

Cathedne Unigan bags, indiscreet testimony to the extent of Jim's.-drinking these days. Susan had used them to store everything from Robbie's marbles to Jim's cuff links. Jim would never miss this one. She knew her jewelry would bring her no more than a few hundred dollars at a pawn shop, but it was all she had. In the second drawer were neat rows of panties, socks, hose, bras, slips, and two nightgowns. She carefully placed them in the nylon duffel bag. In the next drawer were jeans, sweatshirts, T-shirts, and sweaters, all in perfect piles ready to be packed. Out of each drawer Susan took only half the items, then rearranged the remainder so that when she finished the drawers looked as if they'd never been touched. Susan barely needed to think since she had long ago ar- ranged these drawers. When she opened the closet she went to the back, where she had packed two boxes with the shoes she would take. She disturbed nothing on her shoe rack. She put the boxes in the suitcase. Toward the back of the closet, Susan had preselected a group of dresses that were still twisttied together and hanging in an ordinary cleaner's bag. She took the dresses and put them in her hanging bag, along with a brand-new raincoat that still bore a price tag. She returned to the closet and slid the remaining hangers down. the closet pole to eliminate the small gap in the rear. Quickly, she went to the bathroom and carefully selected brown eyeshadow, mascara, a bottle of liquid makeup, one blush, one makeup brush, a moisturizer, and a lipstick. She painstakingly made certain her shelves looked absolutely nor- mal. She left her used blue toothbrush and instead took one from a stack of new toothbrushes she kept on hand. Susan took the filled suitcases down the hall, walking over Jim, who was still out cold on the living-room floor, through the kitchen and into the garage. She opened the trunk of her four-year-old blue Taurus and placed the bags in the trunk . Retracing her steps, Susan went back into the house, took 10 Becoming g from under her belt, and silently entered 'I ba ibbie's room. A0 -@@.1;"Mank God he's still asleep," she muttered to herself as .4.w set about her task. She placed a stuffed Barney that Rob- had owned for three years and whose fuzzy cheek was Ahm thin from constant nuzzling, into the bag. A Dr. Seuss A k, a Bible stories book, a solar-powered calculator Robbie po i d everywhere, his GameBoy and a dozen games. Inside bag th *bie's closet, Susan had prepacked a plastic wi a Oiwk's wardrobe for her son. She grabbed his robe, Mickey rai *Km slippers, jacket, a Saints baseball cap, and his n @,-Sw,-then stuffed everything into the WalMart bag. She quiA* left the room and put both bags in the trunk of the car. She opened the garage door, put the car in neutral, and let silently out of the garage and onto the driveway. She P back into the house and grabbed her purse from the desk a the kitchen, then went to Robbie's room. took one last look around the room with its sky blue studded with the stars and planets she had lovi gly pWmied herself God, how she remembered the afternoons she spent with five-year-old Robbie, plamung the exact place- of every star. They had had such dreams for a joyous .1i6e back then. For the first time that night her emotions through and nearly immobilized her. Huge tears filled itye%, nearly blinding her to her goal of escape. What if was wrong? How would the world judge her?

She should by her man, her friends had told her; but then, she'd told anyone about the abus@-mental or physical. Susan -.*'O-'.kcpt her dark realities from her family, her friends, and 10% sheltered Jim from the truth about himself. She'd been *V,W wife, all right. Too good. t eye caught Robbie's wooden toy box, which Jim had i imself for Robbie's second birthday. For a short time, a few months, when Robbie had been constantly ill with fevers from strep throat, Jim had rallied to Robbie's aid.

Cadmine LArtigan The night before Robbie's birthday Susan had walked-lbe floor for four and a half hours with a screaming, sick little boy. Jim had slept through most of it, but by three in the morning he took over and rocked Robbie till dawn, when the fever miraculously broke. It was enough of a reprieve for Susan to rest and gather her strength again. That birth(dhay, Susan's parents had stopped by for cake and ice cream, and Jim had proudly shown off the toy box, as if he was stunned at his own abilities. Susan could hear the echoes of their laughter that day still reverberating in this room. She nearly succumbed to her memories, but mirigled among the good times were the ethers of Jim's castigations. This was her home, damn it. She should feet safe here, protected, and she wasn't. This house, this life with Jim, had turned into a nightmare, and Susan couldn't understand where or why it had gone awry. Her home had become hell. She touched the snowy blond hair on her son's head and, as always, was moved by the miracle that God had given her in. Robbie. She was amazed that this beautiful creature, this person so full of life, love, and joy, had been born from her body. It was awesome. Yet Jim didn't think so. Robbie yawned. "Mommy?" "Come on, pumpkin." Susan put her arms around Robbie and lifted him. He was still a frail-looking child, long and thin, blue-eyed and beautiful. It was his beauty and fragility that frightened Jim sometimes, she knew. Susan was always fearful that Jim would call Robbie names, ever since last summer, when she'd first heard him call Robbie a sissy for preferring the computer to football. Jim had played football for Tulane University when they'd met. He was the campus star his senior year, when Susan had been pledging sororities. Jim belonged to Phi Kappa Psi and, as president of the fraternity, he was assisting the president of Kappa Alpha Theta, Julie Menton, with a reception for the 12 Becoming reception T%@W Pledges Susan had arrived ed the wrong time. "se her* invitation had stat an hour early to the Jim had in the ss of spiking the punch when Susan walked proce s e ""Wi h said, nearly startling Jim out of his dark blue ''I coat and tan slacks g,@ stashed the bottle of vodka under the pink linene. "Hi. YOU. - -work here, or are you a member?" she "1-Yi---=yi-yi... Are you the most gorgeous thing I,ve O*r seen or what?" He placed his hands on the table and kuned vety close to her. wouldn't know. " Susan glanced down and turned her ,/*Aivd away, letting her blond curls cover her blushing cheeks. 9.6n was used to compliments, but this handsome boy was ,41#Hy leaping over the table at her. .'You ... vou're blushing. Nobody blushes anymore.

Sorry. She smiled "It's a genetic thing. I always do when I'm embarrassedAm came aroundfrom behind the table. "And I'me, bar- *L7_9 you. That's good. @',,Wt is? How?" It's a reaction. Reaction is g d.,, 00 0 shows I have r attention.

n t

YOU the years passed, Susan had thought how prophetic first words to her had been. Everything Jim did was to attention, and with him, she was perpetually a reactive He drank. She pleaded and begged him to stop. He more. She nagged, she screamed, she pouted, she cashe acquiesced. She did everything. This time she was 13

"Mwmwi, @- Cathcrine, Lanigan I should have seen it coming. 7he signs - * . they were-there back in college, weren't they? He was always an attention getter. . . the star of the football team; the president of his fraternity and the vice-President of Panhellenic. She mentally reviewed her past again. Nften Jim went into his first job, with Metro Media Advertising, a position Susan's father, Bart Beaulieu, had arranged for him, Jim wasn't satisfied until the title behind his name said "manager." And Yet everyone, especially Susan's parents, knew that he was simply an allprentice. Jim was charming and effusive with praise and compliments to people whom he felt he needed to build his client list. Jim took his clients to posh Bourbon Street restaurants, haggled with the scalpers for prime Saints football tickets, and made certain his clients received ostentatious gourmet baskets filled with liquor, food, and more liquor during the holidays each year. Jim quickly rose to the top in his firm. The fact that he hadn't created an original advertising earn- paign for a single client never bothered Jim. He simply stole another idea from one of the young college interns the firm employed when the workload was heavy. Jim made certain there were plenty of happy clients and the &in rewarded Jim with a promotion to sales director, a position that allowed him a longer leash to wine and dine clients. nition within The off shoot of Jim's rise in power and recog Metro Media Advertising was that Jim became an alcoholic. Susan had discovered the truth over five years earlier, when the dwee of them had traveled to Horsehoe Bend, Arkansas, ,glas Martin, the president of the for a four-day vacation. DOU firm, had personally suggested that Jim take some time off. Susan hadn't paid much attention to the request until their drive to Arkansas, when they'd stopped for dinner. Robbie was two and a half years old, tired, bored with driving, and hungry. Susan was famished, but Jim wouldn't stop to eat until he found a restaurant where he could have a beer with 14 Becoming They'd driven until eight-thirty, by which tinw er. Wwmrg was suffering from a headache, Robbie had fallen O&ep, and Jim was cursing every crossroads in Texarkana ,.Oomuse nothing was open where he could get a beer. ...;Jim drank three beers that night. The next morning, at ten- .0firty, he ordered a Bloody Mary. He had a martini with a fish sandwich for lunch and four more beers by the pool 4@ing the afternoon. At five-thirty Susan was about to bathe fm dinner when Jim walked out of the bathroom, fully .&*3sed in a suit. "I think I'll go down to the bar and wait fo, you." 111 think you've had enough to drink for one day." Jim looked at Susan as if she were crazy. "I'm only having aemktail." ,..."Just one?" t'Who cares if I have more than one?" do," she said, firmly placing her hands on her hips. @'4m grabbed her wrist and yanked on her arm ... hard. `.JDm't play high and mighty with me. I'll do anything I do 0 well please. If you're not coming to dinner, then say He pulled on her arm again as she slid her other arm 14" to her side. :;@,A*,.san looked over at Robbie, who was sitting in a huge 40'.6'ain green barrel-shaped chair at the table by the window, i'h d new set of Lincoln Logs. She watched as Rob- s &Vlm"ptwhi eyes on his work and his head down, as if he Volblivious to the tension around him, but Susan spied -the t imperceptible pause as Robbie was about to place a wooden chimney on the green slatted roof he'd just made. God," she thought to herself, "Robbie knows." knew better than to show

him the defiance she felt. be there." II.e. ring him," Jim said stiffly and left the room. ie jumped when the door slammed. He looked over with huge blue eyes filled with confusion and fear. 15

Catherine Lanigan Robbie didn't know what was wrong, but he knew something wasift right. "Is Daddy mad at me?" Susan rushed to reassure him. She put her arms around his neck. "Heavens no, darlin'. He's just got a lot on his mind. His work is very difficult these days, so I guess the best thing for us to do is be patient with him. Can you do that?" "Sure, Mommy. I can cheer him up." He smiled and hugged her back. As the days and weeks passed, Jim was busier than ever. He seldom came home for dinner, leaving Susan to feed Robbie and care for him herself Susan took care of the house, mowed the lawn, planted the shrubs, fixed the screens, and packed Jim's shirts for another "road" trip. They said goodbye on Mondays and hello late Friday nights. Jim spent virtually no time with his son, When Robbie was a baby Jim had felt threatened by the dependency of an infant. When he was a preschooler Jim felt Robbie had nothing to say other than idle child's prattle. Once Robbie was in first grade Jim realized they could at least play catch and pass a football back and forth, but Robbie had little interest in sports other than swimming and biking. Robbie had replaced his father with video games and the computer, and Jim felt the situation was comfortable for them both. It wasn't until this last night in her home, a-, she carried her young son to the car, that Susan Kidd faced the darkest of her realities. Jim had never wanted Robbie, and he blamed Susan and to some degree Robbie himself for all the "ills" in his life. Susan put Robbie in the front passenger seat of the car, shut the door, and raced around to her side of the car and got Quietly, she let the car roll down the drive and, once into the street, started the ignition and drove away. Susan never looked back at the pretty house she'd spent I eight years decorating, tending, and living in. She wouldn't 16 ,A Becoming herself to look at the ehn tree she'd planted two weeks after Robbie was born, nor the azalea garden she and her had planted together. She didn,t want to think of what 4w was giving up. She thought solely of freedom. They drove across the canal and then turned onto Cleary they were aad drove north to Veteran's Highway. By the time Im blocks away from the house Robbie was awake. Robbie fastened his seat belt like a pro, crossed his arms .*Vw his chest, and looked straight at his mother. "We're nwnillg away from Daddy, aren't we, Mommyr all her Planning, her dreams, the well-thought-out de-not once had she thought about how she would explain s to Robbie. They had always been so psychically linked, i6v had simply assumed he would know what she was doing. been right. because he hit you." ow ... how did you know that?" 'Your eye is red and your cheek is all swelled up." i immediately yanked on the rearview miffor and *'MW at her face. God, she'd forgotten he'd bit her.

For- the pain. She remembered the crunching sound she'd w en 1OW-d It his fist made contact with her face. She moved -Jaw m1elltoright,up d wn-No,itw n'tbr n, fro an do as oke God. But it did hurt like hell. were tears in Robbie's eyes. "Why did Daddy hit okay, pumpkin." W, A No it's not. It's wrong to hit somebody you love." t, Robbie. I meant it's oka , because we,re s righ y going back there again. We're not going to live with y anymore." Pi. .."I ).-Tromise?" Robbie's voice was filled with relief. Yes," she said with firm determination as she sped down s Highway. 17

Catherine Lanigan "But, when he sees we're gone he'll come looking for us and make us go back." Susan was amazed that Robbie knew Jim's behavior nearly as well as she. "No he won't. I fixed it." Robbie looked at his mother quizzically. "How T' Susan checked the rearview miffor to make very certain she didn't see Jim's steel gray Mercedes behind her. "He knows we're gone, but I took only a few of our things. I made it took like we would be coming back, so that he won't think to took farther than New Orleans for us." .'You tricked him?" "Yes. And I know what I told you before about tricking people, but this time it's okay." Robbie released some slack on his seat belt and pushed his elbows against the back of the seat to raise himself up for a better view of the highway. "Then we aren't going to Gramma's?" Robbie asked as they drove up the street that would take them to the elegant lakefront home of Susan's parents. "No. Not to Mother's. Tbat's the first place Daddy would look." And I don't know how to tell them the truth. I've spenj so much time and energy covering Jim's drinking. Cleaning up his messes. Making fantasy out of reality. They would never believe me. 7hey would tell me to go back and God, I don't know how I couldface the shame. How many times bad her mother, Annette, told her how proud she was of Susan and what a good homemaker she'd become? Annette had continually extolled the virtues of being a good wife and mother, I 'when so many young girls get divorced at the drop of a hat," as she said. "Thank God there has never, ever, been a divorce in the Beaulieu family." According to Annette Beaulieu, divorce was the scourge of the earth and responsible for nearly every evil one could name. God, oh, God. How could I have made such a mess of things? 18 Beconting was good thinking not to 90 to Gramma's, pumpkin.- She smiled at her son, not wan g lihn.to know that her fears fluttered in her brain like ba tin ts in @:.#,Wyoulre welcome." Robbie smiled back and reached out .."Whand to Susan. How odd it was that Robbie trusted her heitly He didn't trust Jim. He was judicious with s @W. hi .*6dships and didn't like many children. For the most part J.Wie thought children were silly little people who play ed games, for whom he had little time. Susan had always t that Robbie was one of those souls whoreincarnated too quickly and had not quite figured out they had been '"Oorn again. 41 _ Oftentimes, Robbie retWnded her of an old man child's body, because he e becam so easily frustrated durthose Years when he tried to walk and talk. Once he to put his sentences together Robbie had never shut LUS vocabulary was extensive and, because of "Sesame he could speak broken Spanish. Robbie never told 01hff that he thought football and team sports were a waste of time and energy better spent on more itnpor-.6ings. But he told Susan. Robbie wasn't afraid of being V. as Jim had accused him, nor was he a sissy; Robbie thought he should be spending his time reading about Y or history or famous people. e was a little man, all right, Sum thought as she at his Outstretched hand and took it. His little hand fit rfectly in her palm. she squeezed it tight, and her heart Y burst with love for him. e would hold on to

Robbie, she thought. For Robbie..-. -Must hold on. 19

Chapter TWO T'hey slept in the car that night just south of Baton Rouge in a cluster of trees just off Louisiana State 12 highway. Susan had avoided the interstate, believing that if Jim did try to follow her, he'd think it the most natural route. By choosing smaller roads she figured she would more easily evade him. It was after midnight when Susan's energy seemed to drain out of her completely. The adrenaline she'd earlier felt rushing through her body, pushing her to flee, was gone. Robbie had managed to stay awake for nearly two and a half hours, but he, too, was exhausted. Susan was awakened by a bright light shining in her eyes. Her muscles were stiff when she sat upright and squinted at the dawn. She blinked and realized this wasnt sunlight. What He was tall, thin, darkly dressed, and carried a gun. "What are you doing here?" he asked through the closed window. "Sleeping," she said, fear nearly strangling her response. She put up her hand to her eyes to deflect the offensive light. "Sorry," he said and snapped off the flashlight. He bent 20 Becoming the window. T1W was when Swan saw the bodge shirt, the nightstick in his belt, and the'brown state or hat he wore. rolled down the window, ;@e@Susan et out a sigh of relief and then immediately checked If. What if Jim had called the police? God! Were they her already? before reportinWgaam'nt)iistsicnugs0pemrsaorYn?toSuwsaanithtawdec,,toyu-nftour ed M Owse twenty-fimr hours. She needed every One of them, now she'd wasted valuable time ... sleeping, She was a there sornething wrong, officer?ou tell me." -leep at the wheel and kill us. And possibly 1 Ihoughfatlill athe better Part of wisdom to pull off the road Y else, too." ,@'@You're right." He leaned into the window and saw Robping next to Susan. "But I passed by here an hour ',and there was no one here. It's just as dangerous to be like you are. You don't know who might stop.ank God it was you." ou might say that. Let me see your driver's license.- for?" want to make a record of where you live. braced herself. She couldn't let him know. 71en it go on the computers at the State Police's central office, could easily track her down. She had to think quickly- airie. My mother live in Met. is in Baton Rouge, and I call that she was taken ill. My son and I are on our way now to see her. I just didn't realize how tired I was. As d, I wasn't here an hour ago. I guess we'd better be way." so fast," lie said gruffly. "Wait here," he said and away back toward his car. watched the officer go to his car, open the door, and 21

Catherine Lanigan 4'Please God, don't let him call search the seat for somethingme in." Just then Robbie awakened. "What is it, Mommy? Is T' something wrong "No, darlin'. it's fine. Just fine." -Why are we stopping. "I just had to take a little nap is all." She smoothed his from sleep in the hair with her hand. His face was swollen way that all children's faces do because they sleep so deeply and hard. sleep of the innocent, she thought as she leaned over and kissed his cheek. the officer said. "Here you go, ma4rn," Susan straightened and was about to lash out at the- man for giving her a ticket when She'd done nothing wrong- She turned her head to face him and found herself looking at a ISLkNA'S FINES plastic mug with brown lettering stating Lou T. "What's this. "Coffee. I thought you could use some, and I don't mind sharing.' Susan smiled at him.. "But it's your mug." 141t's okay. You keep it. I've got another." He leaned down and looked at Robbie. "You take care of your mother, now, ya bear?" He looked back at Susan. "I hope your mother is all right." ,.She'll be fine. I'm sure of it," Susan said, taking the coffee mug and sipping it. The coffee was hot and very good. The officer walked away. As he got into his car, Susan started the ignition, turned on the lights, and pulled out of the graveled clearing. "Buckle up, Robbie," she said and pulled onto the highway. She noticed that the officer didn't follow her, and for that she was also grateful to him. Officer Mulday picked up his dispatcher on the other end.

receiver and spoke to the,'

"It was nothin', Gary, just some@,, 22 Becoming woman and her,sm She gave me a cock-and-bull story tgoing to see her sick mother. She had a shiner you 't believe. Pretty girl, too. I hope she makes it." the dispatcher on the other end, said, "Ha! Likely eshe'll go back to the son of a bitch who beat her. all do." ot all, Gary. My sister didn't and she's doin' fine. Jes' Yeah, but she had you." ep. She did. She was luckier than most." Officer Mul-filled a styrofoarn cup with coffee from his Thermos. 11, 1 hope she doesn't do another fool thing like sleepin' side of the road. I'm lucky I found her still alive. 't she ever read the papers about this neck of the ? Shit." on the other end, grumbled. "Ten four." cer Mulday drove to the break in the meridian and sped Louisiana State Highway 12, his eyes searching the for people in trouble.

traded her Taurus to a Baton Rouge used-car dealer -five minutes after the man opened his doors for busiBecause this had been part of her plan, several weeks Susan had found the title on her car and had talked to putting the car solely in her name. She made an issue fact that he had a fifty-thousand-dollar carand the Blue value on her car was only seven thousand dollars. She n fortunate enough to catch him at a time when he cupied with closing with a very important client, so quickly scribbled his name on the necessary papers ,forms she'd procurred from the license bureau and tax sor's offices. san traded down to a 1990 Cutlass Supreme with ninety d miles on it and took three thousand dollars in a 23

Cadwrine Lanigan cashier's check. She signed her name to all the necessary papers knowing that she would never have the car long enough to receive the valid plates. For her address she gave the address of a former sorority sister, Mary Anderson, who now lived with her husband in Baton Rouge. She chuckled to herself when she thought about how surprised Mary would be when she received papers regarding license plates for a car she'd never bought. Poignantly, she wondered if Marv was happy ... was Don good to her? She hadn't spoken t() Mary in years, which was Susan's fault, because Susan had isolated herself from her friends once she'd realized Jim was an alcoholic. She hoped Jim had forgotten about Mary. Susan didn't.want Mary to be subjected to Jim's questions or harrassment when he came looking for her. Robbie helped Susan unload their things from the Taurus into the "new" car. "Gees, Mommy. Couldn't you buy a better car than this?" Robbie looked at the pitted and sun-faded brown car with its creaky doors. He glanced back over the lot of cars. "How about that white TransAm? I like sports cars." "I bought the ugliest car he had-- "I know!" Robbie interrupted with a huff of indignation. --for a reason. I wanted the cash difference." Robbie's head whirled around to face his mother as she put the last two suitcases in the trunk. "He gave you money?'" "Yes. A lot of money for us to start our new life." Robbie puffed out his chest proudly and then patted her oii the shoulder. "That was smart, Mommy." Susan smiled broadly as she closed the trunk. "Thanks." "You're welcome," he replied. He hopped into the car and buckled his seat belt. As she checked both ways for oncoming traffic, she said to Robbie, "Don't worry about the car. We won't have i long. I intend to sell it today." "Whoa! That's pretty quick." 24 Becoining 140 be quick.- She checked her watch. It was nearly As she drove Out of Baton Rouge she could feel *ath on 'he back Of her neck. e the insides ol"a gravel pit, His thought patterns were .awoke to the sound of the ringing telephone. His brain and disjointed. -Whaaa?telephone rang again. ,Pushed himself up ftom the floor wondering what in he was doing there and not in bed. His body ached as, I really tied one on last night.telephone rang a third time. K stood and clumped his way to the kitchen, picked up ver from the wall phone, and said, "Hello?where the hell are you?- Barry Whitestone said. I ... PrnJust out the door. Why? What's going on?,, ..,,llat's going on? The Yamazaki people are here, damyou have all our presentation materials in your Benz. -Jim. Are YOU still drunk?, ? No way.- 11, YOU had an awful lot last night at Conimandertts 1.

laughed. "Yeah, I did. Who would have guessed those could drink so fnuch? I swear to God, they were r when I left." 11, they're real goddamn sober now and want to see I told them YOU bad car trouble." thinking. I'll be there in fifteen minutes." n, but f don't think I can stall them any more,,, ..said and hung up. .t." Jim looked down at his rumpled clothes. Jesus. He even remember last night. He raced down the hall to )oin and, as he did, his head Pounded like the inside singer"s ghetto blaster. He tore off his tic, shirt, and 25

Catherine LAUigan suit pants. He didn't bother to shower, but wetted-his, hair" down with water and ran a quick razor over his scruffy beard. He quickly put on a freshly laundered shirt, which Susan had. the walk-in closet, sans the@@J. hung neatly on his side Of he'd given her because he de- S, cleaner's bag- It was an Order ted plastic bags that never seemed to come off his shirt tes especially when he was in a burry. He took out a freshly`,,@@ wool suit and laid it on the made bed. As he, cleaned worsted g in his drawer for the right air' was tying his tie and rOutin d of socks, he glanced bark at the smooth coverlet on the started her day early. and realized that Susan had Hie also realized that Susan had not seen to it that he mad&_ i tc t0bed last night. Why, she'd let him stay on the living-.' room floor, where he'd obviously passed out. What the heV was the matter with her these days? He stepped into his slacks, pulled on designer socks, and shoved his feet into his new Italian loafers. God, how ht-, ' loved fine clothes. Susan had grown up with such things an therefore, he believed she didn't have the same sense of a preciation for the beautiful appointments of life as he did. im a bottle of B- 12s in the medicine cabinet, poure Ji found a half dozen tablets into his palm and, along with two aspin downed the entire handful with a huge glass of water. H, could almost feel the rush of blood to his brain. Instant r vitalization. That's what he needed with his Japanese client, I p be Jim raced down the hall, not even glancing into Robbie" room. He grabbed his suitcase, which was still sitting by thk front door where he'd left it, he guessed. As he locked th" door he said a silent prayer that he'd close this deal today. was the most important thing in his fife. !N 0111. 26 PT111 Chapter J bree north to Alexandria, Louisiana, where she sold for fifteen hundred dollars, now knowing that the "i-in, Baton Rouge had bilked her out of another fif- dollars she should have made on the sale of the wever, Susan thought, it was worth fifteen hundred ,Ahrow Jim off her track. Purposefully, she had so that Jim might think she was on her way to "Where her good friend, Jamie Wilkins, lived. Jamie 'Awsband, Nate, had visited Susan and Jim in New y every year for the past eight years, and the n regularly corresponded. g about Jamie and all the fun times they'd had t chipped away at Susan's determination. Susan be able to call Jamie and talk endlessly about gares, the house, and the kids the way they always Jamie knew Susan well enough to detect even t he. Jamie was another valuable piece of her fife she was being forced to abandon. 27

Catherine Lanigan Susan's decision With each mile she passed the weight of pressed in on her. Even though she was putting distance between herself and Jim, she was also cutting herself off from all that was good about her life in New Orleans. The car dealer had arranged for one of his salesmen to drive Susan, Robbie, and their belongings to the bus terminal. Susan pretended there were no tears in her eyes as she walked up to the counter to buy a pair of tickets, but she had a much more difficult time erasing the vision of her mother's face that seemed to loom before her. "Two tickets to St. Louis, please," Susan told the ticket agent. The fat young woman handed Susan two tickets, took her cash, and gave Susan the proper change. Susan turned around' ' wearily in time to see Robbie walking away from the drinlang' fountain and corrung toward her, his WalMart bag in tow, wiping his mouth with his sleeve. 'What have I done to my little boy?" she thought to her,, seff. "I'm leaving all my friends behind, but so is be. He'.., had to leave his school; his friends, his grandparents, amnd hi father, but he hasn't complained once." Robbie took Susan's hand. "Come on, Mommy. Let's si down till the bus gets here. You look tired." Susan rolled her eyes to keep the tears at bay. How coul God have given her such an angel? What made her so lucky "I am tired." k They sat in scratched gold and avocado green plastic chaipil across from a young girl in jeans, cowboy boots, and a ban danna-print halter top. She looked to be no more than sixteef herself'yet she had what looked to be a two-year-old daughte, k and a four-year-old little boy with her. The girl lit a cigareOand let it dangle from her bottom lip as she changed the disr iv pos e diaper on her daughter. The little boy was making, tremendous racket, banging the chairs with a plastic MOP-. and saying he was Sir Galahad. 28 Becoming Jason!" the girl yelled at her son. "Stop it right or I'll smack you again." "paid no attention to his mother, obviously assuming his mother was occupied with his sister, he could -Pleased. the girl uprighted her daughter into the chair and, .."t fightning speed of a rattlesnake striking prey, her out and she slapped Jason's shoulder hard. Susan could have dislocated it. Robbie shuddered and instantly grabbed his @`*m for protection. it, Jason. I've got a frickin' headache. Now Jason made from the painful blow was twice as noise he'd made with his sword. The young girl n by his upper arms and shook him. She stuck .,Aght next to his and growled at him. "Make one and you're gonna regret it." y quieted and stood stock still in front of his and mentally rewound the scene in her head. t she seen it before? That girl grabbed her.young y the same manner Jim always grabbed her. God! e hated the way he would pinch the underside leaving bruises no one would ever see. Was that to do those things to her? From his mother? w it started? And where did she learn it? From before that? And before that? without answers, important questions, thundered san's head like an avalanche. Suddenly the bus the station. Passengers rose

from their seats. The was turned on and a creaky man's voice began arrivals and departures. Susan's thoughts got lost of hustle and bustle. She reminded herself that aluate this new insight of hers when she had the 29

Catherine I.Anigan time. When she wasnt so frantic; when each right move wasn't so very important to her plan. Susan and Robbie watched while the bus driver placed.their bags in the luggage compartment in the belly of the bus. Robbie carried his WalMart bag with him and chose their seats near the back, close to the bathroom. Robbie sat next to the window. The bus driver came down the aisle, punching everyone' ticket, keeping the yellow portion for himself, and handin back the pink portion to each passenger. When he finished h handed the tickets to the fat young attendant who had sol them their tickets inside the terminal. As soon as she left th bus, the driver put the bus in gear and pulled slowly out the station. They were on their way, but not safely, Susan thought. was still too easy for Jim to find them. That was why she h to move on to the next part of her plan. Robbie was looking out the window as they passed a Dai boards. Queen, a gas station, a bank, and a string of billboards. "W are we going to St. Louis? Are we going to live there?" "Would you mind it if we did?" "It's -. . . kinda far away. . . ." Susan put her arm around Robbie's shoulders. "It is away ... for both of us. I know you already miss your ie at school. I'm so sorry, Robbie. I wish we didn't have to this." Robbie looked up at Susan and lifted his finger to the brui on her cheek. "Me, too." Robbie didn't want to tell mother that he was scared. He could tell she was "d cause she'd started biting her hangnails again, and she alw did that when she was scared-like during tthun Robbie was afraid to leave New Orleans because he'd ne known any other home. He would miss the kids at St. V, cenVs Sunday School, the kids in his class, and especially teacher, Mrs. Burris, but not that much. He didn't really h 30 BecoWng close friend, ecept maybe Jessamyn; she was so because she was so smart. Her mother was a n was kind of a loner, Of metaphysics at LSU;Itihkee he was, and he guessed "other university," his say- kssaniyn was learning to play chess and use her mother wouldn't let her play video games. ,liked to hang out at Robbie's house because they Atari, GameBoy, and Nintendo an they wanted. e thought, he would miss talking to Jessamyn. could sneak away sornetime and just call herknow he was okay. Yes 'he should probably do se Jessamyn liked him a lot and she would worry was scared to go back to New Orleans, especially y had run away. His dad would be really mad bie knew he would hurt his mother even more. @@was grown up," Robbie thought to himself. -If I 0 as my dad, I could Punch him a couple of times he'd like it. Yes, that's what I would doz I'd 9 Mommy. I wouldn't let him do thatagain. " He i`at her, thinking it must be terrible to be a woman, 'but not strong enough to hit back. At least Robbie and didn't have to go through life knowing the ver get out of growing up was to be a woman. -going to start a new life, Robbie. A brand-new going to meet new people and see new places, but Robbie stopped her. , Mommy. I don't want to go back there. It good. It's just that ... I ... I don't know St. 't know anyone there. I mean ... Well, how are to live? Will you have to go to work

every day at school? Where will we live? What kind of house T, T' Susan was amazed that Robbie was asking 31

Catherine Lanigan questions faster than she'd been able to formulate her plans. His thinking was more far reaching than hers had been. All this time Susan's thoughts had been focused on "the escape," and she had given only perfunctory analysis to her real future. Susan had been so frightened of Jim, terrified of what h would do to her if he found her, that she'd spent all her tim plotting the exactness of her escape route. Now she realized that Robbie was the one who had zeroe in on the things that should have been her main concerns. She had to find employment. A place to live. God! She'd nev lived in anything but a house all her life! She'd never live on her own. She had gotten pregnant with Robbie at age nine teen and had gone from her parents' lovely home to the three bedroom brick house Jim had bought the week before wedding- She remembered how thrilled she'd been when she saw small white brick house with green shutters. It was pack neady only twenty feet from the red brick house next d as most houses were in landlocked New Orleans, but it w brand-new and smellbd,of new wood, concrete, and fre paint. She had loved it at first sight. At the time her paren had grumbled incessantly about the fact that the house w ,.on the wrong side of Vet's." "Couldn't you find something on the lake side, dear?" "It would cost another thirty thousand dollars, Mother, a we can afford this. Once Jim gets his career going, we c move to a larger house," Susan assured her mother. They never moved. Susan had grown to love the house much to leave it. Three years ago they had rem led ing house, adding a formal duung room and expand ct livi room, adding French doors and a fireplace. Instead of movi to a "better neighborhood," Jim spent his raises on himse Susan was happy in her little house with her son . . . foT while. "I don't think we'll be able to buy a house, Robbie." 32 Be-coming we going to live in an aPartftlent like Juan Domin- ? Oh- Yes. Your friend at Sunday school. Well, w where Juan lives ... exactly, but I think it might live in an apartment- They usually have Swimming tennis courts we can use._ dude," Robbie said cockily and s ft'aightened himthe high-backed bus seat. His grin filled his face. going to be an adventure." make it the best adventure yet," Susan assu e stopped in Little Rock Su red him. Ved their luggage. Susan San and Robbie got bought another pair of this time taking them to Houston. midnight when they boarded the night-bound bus to Robbie You surewas half asleep and totally confused. we're going in the right direction this Ipulled him into her chest so that he could rest his et wtheirsewaalywasYos n9o0ionnge in the right direction. I just could find us. It's very imwe Start our new life totally free of the,past. So, I think we should change our names, Robbie." scrunched his head around and looked up at her. name. It's my only name and I'm keeping it.YOU adamant about this, or can we discuss it?,, can Iscuss it," he acquiesed just as she knew he us to be free forever, Robbie, and to do that it's we have to become new people. I'm going to lot of things about myself, The old Susan was kinda think. I'm going to cut my hair, maybe change the Red, I think." 1@ yucks Morruny." 33

Catherine lanigan "Okay, brunette." ,'Very nice. Are you keeping the same blue eyes?" She poked his ribs playfully. "Yes, I'm keeping my eyes . . . . . . But I'm going to put more life in them-more happiness. I want so much more from life than what I've had. I've decided there was a lot -about Susan Kidd that was not to be admired. She didn*'t have much courage, and I'm definitely going to change that." "I think you have courage." "I think I do, too. Now, anyway. I've decided that if we're going to live someplace new, they don't have to know what I was like before. Do they?" "No, I guess not." Robbie considered this line of thinking seriously. He'd never thought people could do that kind of thing-just change everything about themselves like special effects did in movies. Susan looked out the window at the crystal-clear night as they crossed the border into Texas. "Look at those stars, Robbie. They twmk1e and shine perpetually. They never give up TWS it! I'll call myself Star ... Star Kaiser." "Oh, that's a wonderful name, Mommy. I like it muc better than Susan." Susan was surprised. "You do?" "Yes. And now I want a really good name, too. Ixt's tthi hard. Robbie had a habit of scrunching his eyebrows gether, then placing his thumb under his chin and his forefi ger along the top of his chin and looking very stem whenev he was "thinking hard." Susan couldn't help but chuckl when he assumed this facial expression because he actuall did look like the CEO of some major corporation in the mi of a mental decision. "I've got it! I want to be called Max!' "That is a perfect name for you." "Short for Maxi-million." "'Mat's Maximilian. He was an emperor, I think." "I thought it was the name of a rich businessman. 34 Becoming was a prince. just like you.,, P course it is' @0, we'll be Star and looked quizzically at Robbie, who wasvery Wo

it's okay, I guess.IMax Kaiser hom She the game now.

Ity; where else?" w York Ci LT would work." M11 Mommy. We'd be tough and nobody would mess P if we were from New York City.,, 'C-11 I too tough, Max. Dont you pick on other kids or start y, don't worry." He suddenly threw his arms FI her neck. "I already like these new people we are, like our new life in Houston." hugged Robbie and kissed the top of his head. She t, even if she was doing the wrong thing with their would help her put it right. 35

Chapter Four A Jim Kidd walked out of the most important meeting of his life triumphant. Every man in the firm came up to congraiulate him on his success. - Men whom Jim had admired for years, men who made in excess of half a million dollar@ a year in sales, wanted to shake his hand. The president of the firm came down from the ivory tower and walked into the congregation of men in Jim's small but elegant office and placed his own laurels upon Jim. "Jim, I speak for all the partners when I say that we are very proud of you today. Very proud indeed. It takes a certain kind of energy to begin a business, but it takes persistence and immeasurable determination to keep a company not only rolling, but rocketing into the future. Because of you, we have achieved international status. I couldn't be more grateful." "Thank. you, sir," Jim said humbly. Jim knew that success was sweet, but nothing in his imaginings had prepared him for the incredible rush, the thrill that surged through every cell in his body at that moment. 36 Becoming U -Great going, Jim," Henry Kerrigan said and shook Jim's arm until he thought it would fall off. "You really did it, buddy," Sam Benson said. "You're the greatest," James Richelieu told him with ,,wide grin, and then leaned closer to whisper in Jim's ear, 11,4, You saved our asses, and don't let anyone tell you wise." Jim's co-workers decided to take Jim out on the town -night to celebrate. They all called their wives and let the @, know the good news, and that they would be home late. Ji Aid the same, but there was no answer that afternoon at hi in Metairie. He glanced at his watch and saw that i Was three-thirty, a time when Susan normally was home si Robbie would just be getting home from school. "She musl e gone to the grocery," he thought to himself The an- @wering machine clicked on. "Good news, Susan! Great news! I got the Yamazaki deal the guys are taking me to Bourbon Street to celebrate 't wait up. I'll be late." Jim -hung up the phone, never giving Susan a secon( In Nacogdoches, Texas, the bus stopped to refuel. Susar ked into an Eckerd drugstore next to the gas station an( ght a pair of scissors, dark brown hair dye, coveru p, a pair of cheap bangle earrings in the shape of stars a tube of dark red lipstick. Once the bus drove off, most of the passengers went bac sleep. Robbie had not woken at all when the bus ha ped. Susan utilized this time to go to the bathroom in othe ru a @Ic Looking into the small miffor, she took stock of he@ Ilen and bruised cheek. The bruise was only beginning t@ out, but the tube of coverup, would hide the discolora@ Susan pulled out the scissors. "Good-bye, Susan. Hello 37

Catherine Lanigan Star,' I am said, and cut her shoulder-length hair to chin length, at the front with a few wispy straight bangs. She gave the back a slight wedge to the best of her ability, thankful the road they were on seemed a smooth one. She would have to get used to cutting her own hair from now on, or at least until she could find a good-paying job. Hair salons were now on the luxury list. Susan took out the bottle of hair dye and mixed the nearly black dye with the white conditioner in the plastic bottle with the spout. Once it was properly mixed, she placed her hands inside the plastic gloves, took a deep, deep breath, and said good-bye to her naturally sun-streaked blond hair. In near horror Susan watched as her beautiful golden hair turned brown. In the airplane-sized sink she rinsed the dye out, after waiting the appropriate fifteen minutes, and then used paper towels to blot her head and clean away the dye from her earlobes and necL She combed the wet dark locks toward her face and was amazed at how much her looks had changed. Now with the contrast from her dark hair, her blue eyes seemed to jump out of her face. She shaped her lips with the red lipstick and realized she'd never truly appreciated how full and sensuous her mouth was. The dark hair-now a rich, lustrous brown-emphasized her creamy white skin, making her look like a sculpted porcelain doll. She nearly didn't-look real. She looked almost too perfect, except for her swollen cheek. She combed her hair over the swelling. She smiled. "Perfect." Susan gathered up her things and went back to her seat. She felt a newfound sense of security in her disguise and new name. She put Robbie's head on her lap, leaned her head against the window, and shut her eyes. Just as she was about to fall asleep, Robbie opened his sleepy eyes and slowly focused them on his mother. "Aaaaaaaaaaah!" 38 Becoming "Shhhhh!", Susan clamped her hand over Robbie's mouth and quickly scanned the bus to see whether his yelp had awakened anyone, but no one moved. The bus driver gave her a quick scowl in the rearview mirror, but once Robbie quieted down his eyes went back to the dark highway ahead of him. "Mommy! What happened to you?" "This is my new disguise." "When did you buy the wig?" "It's not a wig. I cut my hair and dyed it." "Aaaaaaaaaaah!" "Robbie ... shhh!" "Sorry." He touched her wet hair, then tugged on it. Susan winced. "It's really you." "You don't like it?" Robbie grew suddenly serious as he looked her over

like a lab technician staring into a microscope. "Hmmm. You look really different. Not prettier, cuz I like the old you, but more like ... a movie star. You are like Star should be." "So I fit MY name?" "Sure do." "And you like it?" "Yeah. But..." "What, darlin'T' "Do I have to dye my hair, too?" he asked with near terror in his eyes. "Oh, no! You don't have to do anything you don't want to do." "Whew!" he said, theatrically wiping his hand across his forehead. "I like the way I look." "Me, too.- Robbie laid his head down on her lap and was instantly @asleep. Susan looked out the window, but instead of seeing I e tall Southern pines along the Texas highway, she saw her leflection in the window. She raised her hand to the glass and 39

Catherine Lanigan touched the downturned comers of the mouth of her image. Shame tinged the edges of her jaw and stole the sparkle from her eyes. Susan couldn't help thinking about her parents. They had wanted so much for her and her life. They had sheltered her so perfectly inside a cocoon of wealth, social status, and love. She could remember her mother saying, "You're the bubbles in our champagne." The echo of those words had seen her through many a horrid day and night with Jim, when he flung licious, stinging assaults at her. Later, when the physical abuse began, she forgot the words. She forgot the special person Susan was. When Susan had become pregnant with Robbie her parents had turned away from her. They had been so ashamed of her, of the "ruin" she'd brought to the family name. Back then she'd wanted to crawl into a hole and die. But she hadn't. She'd forced her parents to accept her again, to love her and Robbie again. Susan desperately wanted to call her mother and talk to her. She wanted to hear her voice- "Soozahan," her mother would drawl out her name, makingit sound more special and dear than it was. Susan had always liked her plain name because of the way her mother would pronounce it. Tears filled Susan's eyes. She couldn't call her mother. She couldn't tell her what she was doing, and she especially couldn't tell her .why. Susan was ashamed of herself for staying with Jim as long as she had. She should have found a way to make him stop drinking. She blamed herself for forcing him to marry her. She should have forced him into therapy. She should have been more understanding. Susan's mind flagellated itself with the should haves, would haves, and could haves. In the end the only thing Susan knew was that she had to get away from Jim and go someplace where he could never find her and hurt her or Robbie again. 40 Becoming The bus pulled to a stop at a country truck stop to refuel. Only three of the passengers disembarked. Susan stared out the window at the pay phones next to the door of the food mart/restaurant. Gently, she lifted Robbie's head from her lap as she tcooted out of the seat. She dug into her jeans pocket for some change. She walked off the bus and went straight to the phone booth. She placed seven quarters in the slot as directed by the operator and dialed her mother's phone number, Robbie woke up just then and felt an incredible sense of panic when he realized Susan was missing. "Mommy!" He bolted to an upright position, realized the bus had stopped, and looked out the window. He saw Susan walking up to the phone booth. He darted out of the seat and dashed down the aisle and out of the bus. He went racing up to her and put his arms around her waist and pressed his face into her abdomen. "Don't. . ." The phone was picked up on the other end on the second ring. "Hello?" Annette's groggy, sleep-filled voice answered. ... call Daddy Robbie begged. Susan's eyes filled with tears. Her hand was shaking as she hung up the

receiver and then pulled Robbie into her arms. She sunk her face into his tiny shoulder and let her tears flow. "I wasn't calling Daddy." "Promise?" Robbie was trembling, his voice choked with emotion and determination. "Oh, God, Robbie. I hope I'm doing the right thing for us." Susan could barely say the words through her tears. "I love you so much. I don't want you ever, ever, to have a time in your. life you can't talk to me. Can't call me." She glanced back to the phone. Don't be like me. Don't ever be this scared... I'd give anything to know that my parents would love me enough to stand behind me now ... especially now. But they clung to old social mores more dearly than they held their daughter. They'd proved that when she'd gotten preg- 41

Catherine Unigan nant. She knew they would surely turn on her now for running away. As Susan, she was just another wife, another mother stuck in the mire of the bad decisions she'd made for herself. A tear trickled down her cheek. She needed to talk to them, but they didn't need or want to hear about her problems. Sadly, her parents were ill-equipped to deal with hard-life problems. Their lives had been insulated from pain and loss through blessed luck. There was nothing in Bart's or Annette's backgrounds that would have prepared them for this situation. How could they possibly understand something like wife abuse or the real threat of child abuse? Susan hugged Robbie tighter. "Promise me, okay?" "I ... I promise ... Mommy." Robbie was sobbing as he wrapped his arms and legs around her like a monkey as she carried him back to the bus. Susan held Robbie when the bus drove away from the truck stop. Robbie laid his head on Susan's lap and was instantly asleep. Susan looked at her reflection in the window. She looked so very different, stronger and not so vulnerable. "Star ... I hope you learn how to shine." Jim nearly reeled out of Brennan's, still riding high on exhilaration. Sure, he'd had a few drinks-four, maybe fivebut who was counting? He was out with the guys, and they never nagged him like Susan always did. They were cool. They didn't pressure him at all. ' "Wher'we goin' now?" Jim asked with a slight slur to his words. "I gotta check out," James said. "I've got an early mom- ing and Janice is waiting for me." "Yeah, me, too," Henry said. "My Idds have barely seen me since this whole Japanese campaign started. Man, I'm beat." Jim turned to Sam. "Whatdya say, Sam? Let's go over to 42 Becoming Tat O'Brien's and see what we can scam up." "I can't, Jim. I've got to finish my reports tomorrow, and then fly up to Chicago to meet with Banker's Trust. I really shouldn't have takeir this much time away from work." Jim slapped Sam on the back. "Aw, c'mon. You're not @,gonna mai;p me celebrate alone, are ya?" Sam was firm when he took Jim's hand off his shoulder. "Look, pal, it's after eleven. It'll be midnight before I make it across the bridge to my house. Besides, I think you've done enough celebrating for all of us." "Bullshit." Jim slipped his hand into his pants pocket and missed. He stumbled. "Let me drive you home. You've had too many." "Th' fu ... I have." Sam was becoming perturbed.

"I'm driving you home, Jim. The Benz is perfectly safe in the Royal Sonesta parking lot. I'll come by in the morning, pick you up, and we'll get .your car then." He looked to the others for support. James was first to react. "Sam's right. C'mon, Jim. Let's 90 home.". "'A%,right, awright. You guys aren't any fun, anyway." Jim laughed and they all laughed with him. At dawn Susan and Robbie walked off the bus at the Houston downtown bus terminal, lugging their suitcases along. @Stay close- Robbie," Susan said as she glanced from side to side, seeing people who looked as if they hadn't bathed in a month, or had a change of clothes in a year, sleeping in the chairs and along the benches in the terminal. They frightened her, these people who looked forgotten, but they were oblivious to her. They had problems of their own, she thought. "Max, Mom. You gotta call me Max." "Yeah, right." She stopped dead still. "Since when did you -start calling me 'Mom'? Robbie rolled his eyes. "Since I became Max." 43

Cadunine Lanigan "Oh," she said and smiledL Max grinned back at her. Susan went outside the terminal, where a row of vending machines held the local newspapers, USA Today, and the wall Street Journal. Susan inserted two quarters and bought a Houston Chronicle. They huddled against the building, making certain their bags and luggage were propped against the wall, and used their bodies as protection against the stares they were starting to receive. While -Susan combed the apartment section, Robbie watched the people on the street. They looked at him as if he were from outer space. Was it possible they knew he was here under an assumed name? Naw. He was afraid, and because he was scared of this new place and these strange people, his eyes were playing tricks on him.Mese people weren't really staring at him any more than normal. He took a deep breath and told himself to relax. Robbie looked across the street to a row of garbage cans surrounded by black trash bags filled with garbage. Suddenly one of the bags rolled and then moved. Robbie realized that a homeless person had used the bag to protect himself from the rainfall earlier that night. Next to the man in the garbage bag was a woman who sat with her back against a concrete building and had surrounded herself with her belongings, making what looked like walls around her. As he watched her arranging and then rearranging her bags and sacks, he realized she was creating a home. Robbie looked down at the way he was guarding his possessions and then back at the woman who used her belongings as if they could protect her from the hopelessness around her. Robbie hoped he would never be truly homeless, the way these people were. "God, I can't believe this ... Max." Susan remembered to call him by his new name. "The places that have the lowest rents ... ones we can afford, don't allow children." 44 Becoming .4mom, I'm a child. We can't change that." He grabbed pan of the paper and looked at the photograph ads. "Some of these look awesome." "And more expensive than I thought." Susan realized that in order to save money she would have to move farther out of the city-way out. "Here, on the north side, are some ,'apartments we could afford, and they allow children." "All right, Star!" Robbie gave Susan a high five. Susan and Robbie went back inside the terminal to a phone booth, where she called the apartment complex. She was told there was a vacancy and to bring her driver's license and two paycheck stubs to prove her employment. Susan then went to the ticket window and inquired about the city bus system. She was directed to the proper bus stop and informed where to transfer buses and how much it would cost. As they rode the nearly hour-long commute to North Houston, Robbie read the ad about the complex that would be their new'home.

"It says here we can have pets. Max needs a puppy, Mom." Susan couldn't help smiling to herself. Jim had never allowed any pets in the house, or the yard, for that matter. Jim's argument that a dog would "tear up the yard" had made sense at the time, when Susan was planting and landscaping and forcing seedlings to grow, in the poor New Orleans soil. As a baby, Robbie was always so sick with ear infections that the care of a dog or cat would have been just another thing for Susan to be responsible for. Robbie was older now, and with no brothers or sisters a pet might not be such a bad idea. "N"o's going to feed the puppy?" "And paper train it, housebreak it, shampoo it, brush it, walk it, scoop its poop?" "Boy! Is a puppy that much trouble? I was just going to love it." 45

Catherine Imigan Susan laughed. "You can have a puppy." Robbie was shocked at Susan's quick response. "Maybe we should think about it." The bus took the Kuykendahl exit off 1-45 and traveled north. Just past FM 1960 the bus stopped and Susan and Robbie got off. The driver had told Susan that the apartment complex she was looking for was only a short distance away, but when she inquired as to the exact address at the Texaco station on the comer, the mechanic, who looked to be about nineteen, took one look at all their luggage and laughed. "Where you all from, darlin'? New York?" Susan looked at Robbie. She'd-forgotten the plan. Robbie spoke up immediately. "Yes. How did you know?" "See it all the time down here. New Yorkers ... takes 'em. a little longer to catch on." "Catch on to what?" Susan asked. "Well, that apartment complex is about four miles up the road here." He pointed north. "This is Texas ... it's a big place. We're kinda sprawled out. Wc@ like lots of elbow room. So, when a feller says to you that somethih' is 'jes' down the road a piece' you can usually figger it's about five miles." "Ali." Susan nodded her head. She was already hot standing in the sun. It was going to be a long walk. "Is there another bus?" "Not the way you're goin'. Sorry. It'd take forever to get a cab. Mighty expensive, too." "I guess we'll have to walk." The mechanic pulled an oily blue cloth from his back pocket and wiped his greasy hands. Susan wasn't so sure that he didn't put more grease on his hands than was already present. "If you wait just a few minutes till my break, I'll drive you up there." "Why, that's very kind of you, but I-" Robbie cut in immediately. "Thanks a lot." Robbie nod- 46 Becoming ded his head assertively and stuck out his hand. "My name's Max. This is my mom. You can call her Star." The mechanic smiled sheepishly. "A real purty name for a purty lady." "Why, thank you..." "Mike." I 111111ank YOU, Mike." "Yer welcome." Mike left and went back to the car he was repairing. Susan and Robbie walked around to the back of the sparkling-clean

station, which was more beautifully landscaped than Susan's backyard in New Orleans, and sat on a curb beneath a cluster of tall Southern pines. A breeze wafted through the air, swirling a warm, musky pine fragrance with it. Susan inhaled deeply of the clean air. Houston was better than New Orleans; she knew it from this very moment- It was open and big and free, just as Mike had said. Everyone had space here. They weren't crarnmed next to each other the way they were in New ,Orleans, everyone fighting for their, tiny patch of ground; a physical reality that Susan always believed had to leave some sort of impression on the soul. There was no stench here from open canals, and the air moved through the trees rather than hanging from the branches like old laundry. There was an excitement here, a sense of adventure she'd never felt in New-Orleans. It was odd, but Susan felt as if she'd finally come home. True to his word, Mike drove "Star" and "Max" to the apartment complex and wouldn't take any money for his effort. "Glad t' hep out," he said with a wide, friendly grin and waved to her as he drove back to the gas station. Robbie turned to his mother. "You go talk to them, Mom. I'll guard our stuff," he said, sitting down atop the suitcases and holding the WalMart bag close to his chest. "Okay," she said and walked inside. 47

Catherine Lanigan The woman sitting at the desk was about thirty-five years old with streaked blond Hair, a suntanned body, and minimal makeup. The minute Susan walked in, she smiled brightly and rose. "Hello!" she said, extending her hand. "You must be the woman who called earlier. Mrs. Kaiser, isn't it? Waame's Andrea, but you can call me Andie. Everybody does." "Nice to meet you, Andie. I'm Star Kaiser." Susan wondered how long it would take to say her name without thinking about it. "You have a one-bedroom for rent?" "I certainly do. It was vacated yesterday. I've got the key right here, so I can show it to you." Susan put up her hand. "I'd like to get the paperwork over with first." "But, honey, you need to see if the apartment is suitable to you. I always say, there's nothin' worse than bein' a horse in the wrong corral." Susan knew that her eyes kept glancing out the window at Robbie, sitting atop their belongings. Suddenly she realized how odd this might look to Andie. She had no furniture, no appliances to move in. There was only her and Robbie. "I'm sure it's perfect. Andie followed Susan's eyes to the window. The second she saw Robbie, she knew exactly Susan's situation. Andie came from around the desk and looked at Susan quite pointedly. "Do you have the papers I told you to bring?" "I ... uh "I need your Social Security Number, driver's license, two paycheck stubs or a letter from an employer. I need first and last month's rent and a security deposit of two hundred dollars. You can write a check, of course." Susan nearly dropped her jaw, but it still hurt too much. What in God's name had she been thinking all this time? She'd never rented anything in her life, and she had no idea 48 Becoming it was nearly as difficuttas buying a house. Maybe more so. What was she going to do? She had to think quick. "My Social Security Number is 314-70-8900. 1 just moved here from New York City and I never drove in the city, I took cabs, so I have no license. I don't have a job here, but I intend to get one after you tell me where I can find something so that I can support myself and my -son. I'm not choosy; waiting tables is not beneath me. I had plenty of experience, in New York, since I had to wait tables while I was trying to get an acting job on a soap opera..." Andie was unmoved during Susan's monologue until she said the words soap opera. "Goddammit, honey! I knew I recognized you! You're that girl on 'The Bold and the Beautiful,' or was it 'Santa Barbara'? Did that go off the air? I don't watch them myself, mind you, since, I have to keep a close watch on the office here, but I do pick up that Soap Opera Digest every so often." "I'm not really..."

"Aw, c'mon, you can tell me. I won't snitch." Andie took a closer look,at Susan and saw the bruise under her makeup. "Gee whilikers, honey. Did some actor boyfriend do that to you?" An'die slid her arm around Susan's waist. "Don't you worry about a thing. This will be our little secret. I understand everything now. I'll help you all I can." Andie sat Susan down in the stained wing chair opposite her desk. She moved the copper pot filled with plastic flowers to the side and sat on the desk. "What else do you need besides the apartment?" "A job." "Not much call for actresses around here." Susan knew that arguing the point with this woman was useless. She was going to believe what she wanted to believe. "I'll take anything ... for now." "Do you have a degree?" "No." Susan instantly felt that old sting of shame for not 49

Cadierine Lanigan getting her college education.. She wished she had listened to her parents about that. . . sometimes. "Graduate high school?" "Yes.- "That's good. What experience do you have? Secretarial? Clerical? You do know how to run a computer, don't you?" "No ... none of that." "Gees, honey. I guess you'll have to wait tables for a while, but that's okay. It's honest work, right?" "Is there anyplace around here?" "Sure., In fact, the Chili's just up the street might ne help. We'll call them later."

ed some

"Exactly how far away are they?" Andie walked around to the back of her desk and pulled out the drawer that held the applications-for-rent forms. "Oh, six, seven miles." Susan nodded. "Just down the road a piece." Andie smiled. "That's right." She handed Susan the forms. "Fill these out. How are you going to pay for the rent? MasterCard?" Susan's eyes flew open. "I could put my rent on a charge card?" "Sure can." Andie smiled broadly. "Amazing." Susan took the ballpoint pen Andie offered her. "Here's my deal. I give you fifteen hundred in cash for six-months' rent in advance. No security deposit. I have a neatnik for a child." "It's a deal. And I promise I Won't tell anyone about your real identity. For their information, you are Mrs. Star Kaiser." "That's my name," Susan said proudly, knowing that, in a million years, Susan Kidd would never have had the courage, the daring, to make a deal like the one she'd just made. Susan was beginning to wonder if she shouldn't have been named Star from birth. It fit her so well. so Chapter Five Jim Kidd managed to insert his house key into the lock on the fourth try. He turned around and waved to Sam, who was waiting in his,car to see that Jim got in the house under his own power. Sam hit the high beam on his headlights and backed out of the drive. "Jerk," Jim mumbled as Sam drove away. Jim detested being treated like an invalid just because he'd had a couple of drinks. Good thing he didn't tell the guys he'd been drinking doubles, or they would have razzed him even more. Jim threw his briefcase to the floor and it landed with a hard, slapping

sound, Goddammit. What was wrong with everybody lately that they all thought he was some kind of incompetent because he'd had a few lousy drinks? Why couldn't things be the way they used to be? Susan gave him hell; but then, she'd been giving him hell for five years. Even Susan's father, Bart, had told him at the last family dinner that he'd had too much to drink and Susan should drive the car home. At the time Jim hadn't cared. She could drive. He was tired anyway. 51

Catherine Lanigan But now even the guys were giving him grief. Goddammit. He had pressures. So what if he had a drink now and then? So what? He wasn't hurting anybody. J 'im turned on the light in the living room. He looked straight ahead into the fautily room and the eat-in kitchen. Suddenly he felt as if he were suspended in time, and then he was catapulted back to the night before. Was he having d6ji vu? He had walked into the house just as he had tonight, but Susan had been there, greeting him with a smile. Then all of a sudden she'd started saying he was drunk. She'd told him to leave. Leave his own damn house! Was she crazy? That must be it: Susan was crazy. He'd heard that it happened sometimes to housewives who stayed home with their children all the time. They lost their brain cells and went crazy. Jim was certain he'd read about that in the Wall Street Journal. He remembered making precisely that point to Susan last night. "You're crazy, Susan. Loco. Nuts. I think you should see a psychiatrist. "Me?" "Yes, you. "You're an alcoholic, Jim. You're sick and you need medical attention. It's a disease-" "Shut the hell up!" he'd screamed, and hit her. He'd hit her. Jim had hit Susan. Jim watched the scene eyes as if he were inside that space and time all over shocked at what he saw. He hadn't done that! He hadn't God." Jim staggered suddenly and backed into the sofa. still stunned at what he'd done.

roll before his again. He was hit his wife! "Oh He plopped down,

"I couldn't have." He dropped his face into his hands. His splayed hands slowly dragged down his cheeks and he knew the truth. "I hit her. Again." 52 Becoming He shook ins head, hoping to unhinge the lam of the cobwebs in his brain. "I promised I would never do that again.... Jim looked around him now, suddenly sober. He noticed that the house was perfectly spotless, as always. Robbie's toys were put away, as always. But something was wrong. It was quiet, yes, as it should be at twelve forty-five at night, but this was something different. Something didn't feel right. The house didn't feel right to him. He stood instantly. "Susan?" Her name was barely a whisper. Panic hit him like an atomic bomb. "Susan!" He raced through the living room, down the hall to the bedrooms, past Robbie's room, directly to his room ... his and Susan's room. Moonlight flooded the room through the lace curtains, etching a flower pattern on the bed and furnishings. In the darkness he couldn't see a

lump in the bed where Susan's body should be. Jim's hand was shaking when he hit the light switch. "Susan! " He went to'die bed and felt it. She was here. He knew she was here. She had to be here. It was his eyes; his eyes were playing tricks on him. It was the booze. It had made him temporarily blind. That was all. Jim felt every inch of the bed, crawled on top of it and patted and clutched at the coverlet like a madman. Tears came to his eyes, cleansing away the alcoholic fog. "Susan. Susan. Uuuuuuugh," he screamed at the silent, empty room. His stomach knotted, then seemed to fall out of his body. "Susan ... Don't leave me." "If you ever come near we again, I'll leave you, Jim," she had said last January, when he'd hit her for the first time. For two weeks he couldn't look at her. He didn't sleep with her, eat with her, talk to her, because to do so was to look at himself. Jim Kidd felt he could do nearly anything in this world except look at himself. 53

Catherine Lanigan He was fine, he told himself, as he tried to calm down. He felt as if he'd just fallen from a ten-story building. He didn't want to feel this way ... and why should he, anyway? He'd always been fine. Susan was the one who was high-strung. Yes, that was it. She'd overreacted to the situation. So, maybe he could cut back on the drinking a bit. No big deal. He could do dmL It was the pressures at work. This Japanese deal had nearly driven them all insane. Even James said he couldn't wait to have a normal life again. This was just a simple little, mistake. Jim pushed his face into the pillow ... Susan's pillow. It still smelled of Opium perfume. "Susan..." His fingers curled around the coverlet and he yanked on the fabric as hard as he could. Darrunit, he thought angrily. She couldn't do this to him. She couldn't make him feel this way, as if he'd just lost everything in the world. She was his wife, goddammit. She was his. She couldn't just leave, walk out just because things got a bit tough. That's what life was all about, wasn't it? Through the hard times and the good. Now he knew what kind of person Susan was. Oh-she stuck around for the good times, but when things didn't go just her way she checked out. Jim balled his fist and hit the bed. "Bitch. Lousy, selfish bitch!" He rammed his fist into the bed again. He pretended it was Susan. "Bitch!" Suddenly he stopped in mid-motion. What was he doing? He didn't really want to hit Susan. But goddanintit, he was mad. Real mad. Jim bolted off the bed and looked around the room. All Susan's things were just, where she'd left them. Her sterling silver-framed photographs still lined the deep windowsill in the bay window. He went to the bureau and pulled out the drawers. Everything looked in order. But, no. No. Her nightgown was gone. He dashed to the closet and ran his hand down the rail on her side. Nothing was missing. Her shoes 54 Becoming were perfectly arranged on the shoe rack, just like always, He went to the bathroom and found that all her makeup was undisturbed. His eyes searched the room again. The top of the bureau was still adorned with her perfume bottles. As his eyes focused on the cluster of designer perfumes, his mind started clicking. He turned on the crystal bedside lamp. He walked to the bureau and tickued off the list of perfumes: "Passion, Obsession, Hereffa, Opium ... bingo!" Jim smiled to himself. "Susan wouldn't go overnight to her mother's without her Opium." This was a sure sign that even though Susan was gone tonight, she didn't intend to stay away for long. Susan was just trying to teach him a lesson. Well, he'd teach her a thing or two, he thought. Jim went back to the bed. Sitting down next to the telephone, he picked up the receiver. He dialed the lakeside home of Bart and Annette Beaulieu, his in-laws. "Sorry to wake you, Annette, but could I please speak to Susan?" Annette cleared her throat of sleep.

"Susan? What are you talking about, Jim?" "I want to speak with my wife, if you don't

,mind."

"Jim, is this some kind of joke?" "I hardly think so." There was a long pause on the other end of the line. Annette's voice moved an octave higher as fear rattled through her mind. "Are you saying that my daughter is not home ... at twelve forty-nine in the morning?" Jim decided not to play into Annette's obviously wellrehearsed responses. "Are you going to put Susan on the phone or not?" "Where's Robbie, Jim?" Annette asked. "Robbie?" "Your son. I'll bet you haven't even thought to look in his room.- 55

Cathaine Lanigan "Hell." Jim threw down the phone and raced out of the bedroom. He turned on the light in Robbie's room. His bed was unmade, but Robbie wasn't in it. He banged his fist against the wall and then raced back to the phone. "Put her on," he demanded. "I can't put her on the phone, Jim, because she's not here. What I want to know is why she isn't with you. Did you two have another fight?" "What do you- mean 'another fight'? Susan and I have never exchanged words." "The way I hear it, you use your fists to handle your problems." Jim knew for a fact -that Susan would never tell her parents anything disparaging about their life together. Ever since Susan got pregnant, she had purposefully kept herself distant from her parents, a practice Jim supported-to a degree. Jim needed Bart and Annette as much as-no, more, than he needed Susan. Bart had gotten him his job at Metro Media, and Bart's very substantial influence on the New Orleans business community was worth all'the sucking up Jim had done over the years. Jim decided to call Annette's bluff. "Did Susan ever tell you that I hurt her?" "No. She hasn't." "Has she ever insinuated that our marriage was anything short of blissful?" "No." "Then how can you say such a thing to me, Annette? We're family." Jim thought he could hear the ladylike growl Annette used whenever she became angry. "I heard it from Rabina Parker. She saw Susan one day last winter when she'd dropped off the AIDS Charity Ball tickets." "Rabina Parker has been jealous of Susan for years and 56 Becoming you know it. She'd say anything to make you think ill of me or Susan." "So you say. But it still doesn't discard the fact that your wife is not at home with you now. Did you just get home yourself, Jim?" "Yes, I did, as a matter of fact. I closed the Yamazaki deal today, and all of us from the office went to Brennan's for dinner tonight." "Late supper." "Annette ... arr, we through with the twenty-questions routine? Where is Susan?" "I don't know, Jim. She's not here. I haven't heard from her for about three days now, which isn't unusual because I've been so busy with the annual fundraiser for the Oshner Clinic children's ward." "Damn.- "Jim, I'm worried. Susan wouldn't really leave you, would she?"

"Oh, no. In fact, I've checked, and nothing seems to be missing except'that old ugly cotton nightgown she loves." "You didn't fight, then?" "It's nothing serious, Annette. I've been *overworked and she's been complaining. about the fact that I should helpout around the house more. She's probably at Cynthia's down the street. She wanted to teach me a lesson and she sure did. I'll have to buy her some ruses and take her out to dinner to make it up to her. Now that my deal is closed I can help her out. It's tough taking care of the house and Robbie by herself, I know." "Jim, do me a favor: Don't lie to me. You're not the househusband type. Hire her a maid like you should have done years ago and be done with it. Then I won't have to get any more of these midnight calls. Tell Susan to call me in the morning and I'll take her to lunch." "All right. Thanks, Annette." 57

Cadwdne Lanigan "Good night, Jim." Annette hung up. Jim nearly leapt off the bed. "Son-of-a-bitch! She wouldn't go to Cynthia's if it was the last place on earth." Jim began pacing. Think, man. Did you hit her hard? Does it show? Where can she go where no one will ask her questions? Jim's mind whirled with the possibilities. Suddenly he snapped his fingers as it hit him. He raced to the kitchen, grabbed the Yellow Pages, and picked up the telephone. If it took him all night long, he would call every hotel in New Orleans until he found his wife and brought her home. Jim was exhausted by the time he'd made his way through the New Orleans Yellow Pages. He called every motel and hotel in the city, in Metairie, Kenner, across the river in Gretna, and even as far out as Slidell. There was no sign of Susan or Robbie anywhere. As Jim started to fall asleep, fully dressed, on the bed, he was convinced that Susan would come back home today after she'd had a chance to cool off and rethink her options should she truly leave him. His ace in the hole was that Susan had never lived anyplace but New Orleans all her life. Her insular world had not equipped her for life anywhere else but here. Susan was a creature of habit. Change of any kind made her nuts. That was probably why she'd been unable to handle the stress they'd all been under lately because of the Japanese deal. Yes, Jim thought to himself as sleep overtook him, Susan would come home. She had no place else to go. Chapter Six J16 58 "It's kinda small, isn't it?" Robbie said to Susan when they walked into their new apartment. The living room/dining room was a perfect uninteresting square, newly carpeted in cheap, wheat-colored carpet. A small galley kitchen sat off to the left and the bedroom and bath were off to the right. It had been freshly painted, but the light fixtures were outof date and cast meager light. The kitchen was equipped with a ,@:dishwasher, garbage disposal, refrigerator, and stove. Robbie flung down his WalMart bag and began investigat- ,ing. He rattled off the inadequacies he found. "No ice maker. No water through the door. No microwave. No under-theunter can opener. No sprayer in the sink. The faucet leaks." Re opened the dishwasher door with difficulty. "The door must be broken." "It just needs to be greased." "Oh." He raced to the bathroom. "No shower curtain?" .,He came walking back out with his hands on his hips. "How ,am I supposed to take a shower without a shower curtain?" 59

Catherine Lanigan "I guess we'll have to buy one." Susan looked around the apartment and made her own mental notes. At least a hundred dollars for some kind of curtains on the windows. Twenty bucks for the cheap dishes she'd seen at WalMart. Silverware, pots, pans, dishrags, towels, linens. Beds. God in heaven! They didn't have a bed to sleep in. Pillows, blankets. Food. Spices, sugar, flour, staples, cleaning tools, broom, mop, cleansers were all necessary. She didn't need Robbie's calculator to know that without the first stick of furniture and certainly not the luxury of a bed, her fist would cost over five hundred dollars. Susan felt sick to her stomach. She had a roof over her head, but that was all. And that only lasted for six months. Her cashier's check for three thousand dollars wouldn't last long, but at least she had it. "What are we gonna do about furniture?" Robbie asked Susan. "We'll check the newspaper for used pieces. Until I get a job we'll have to be really careful." "I understand." Robbie went'to his WalMart bag and re- trieved the newspaper they'd bought earlier that morning. He laid out the paper on the floor in the middle of the living room and stretched out on his stomach. He propped up his elbows and placed his face in his hands. "What do I took under?" "Used furniture," Susan called from the bedroom, where she'd gone with the garment bag. She unzipped it and took out her dresses and hung them on the pole in the narrow closet. She placed her boxes of shoes on the floor. She stood there staring at the empty floor. If she'd been catapulted to another planet, Susan couldn't have felt any more out of touch with her surroundings. What was she doing here? Was this all worth it? How could she ask Robbie to give up his life when it was her life that needed 60 I Becoming changing? Her hand flew to her throat as she felt icy fingers of fear begin to choke her. "Don't listen to the demons," Susan said aloud. "Don't listen to them." Susan remembered the old saying she'd learned from the second-grade nun in Catholic school. So many times that little phrase had helped her when she'd been afraid. She quickly shut the closet-door and realized there was a full-length mirror on the other side. She stared at her reflection. She touched her cheek. He could have broken it. Maybe next time he would have. Maybe next time he wouldn't have stopped. What if the next time became another next time until you were dead, Susan? Then what would Robbie do? She placed her hands on the mirror and lowered her forehead to the glass. You did the right thing. You did the right thing. "Queen size or king, Mom?" Robbie yelled from the other room. "Double if you can find it." She looked up. "The sheets cost less," she whispered aloud. New Orleans When Jim walked into the office that day, the secretaries had pooled their money and bought him a horseshoe of flowers and had it

propped against his desk. Three mylar balloons emblazoned with the words "Congratulations" were tied to the back of his desk chair. The telephone was ringing. Jim raced to answer it, hoping it was Susan. "She'd better have a good explanation for putting me through all this," he said to himself as he lifted the receiver. "Jim Kidd, here." "Mr. Yamoto on line three, sir." "Thanks, Beverly." Jim took the call from his newest and most important cli- 61

Cadwine Lanigan ent. Even though Mr. Yarnoto told Jim that his board had voted in favor of giving Metro Media their new porcelain company's advertising as well as their two main divisions, Jim's reaction was deflated. Jim was gracious and assured Mr. Yamoto that he would give all their divisions his undivided attention. When Jim hung up-the phone he wondered why he was unmoved by this third coup. It's Susan's fault. If she'd been hoine where she was supposed to be, I wouldn't be in such a bad Ptood. Just then the phone rang, and Jim's secretary announced the arrival of his appointment. Jim thanked her for the flowers and made a mental note to do something nice for the girls in the office. Then he gathered up his reports and left his office for the conference room, where he would make advertising history again. Houston, Texas When Susan heard the knock on her apartment door she nearly leapt off the floor. Robbie,ran to her and hugged her, his eyes wide with fright. "No one knows we're here," Robbie said. "Who ... who is it?" Susan called to the closed door. Andie." Susan and Robbie both expelled a huge sigh of relief "Coming," Susan said and opened the door. Andie was all smiles. And parcels. Andie was loaded down with boxes of cleaning supplies, paper towels, a bag of ice, a six pack of Cokes, and a box of cookies. "What is all this?" Susan asked. "I know it's gonna be a while till your furniture arrives from New York." Andie winked conspiratorily at Robbie. He winked back at her, looked at Susan, and shrugged his shoulders. "I knew you could use a few things. So, I brought some 62 Becoming snacks for your son. I know I always like to clean things myself before I use them ... especially the bathroom ... I thought you might be the same." "Oh, yes, thank you. I'm so-" "Don't go on, honey. We've all had times like this when we're just kinda at sixes and sevens. I just wanted to tell you that down in storage are some things-furniture and suchthat tenants have left here over the years, and rather than throw them out I've always kept them ... for emergencies. If you know what I mean." She winked at Robbie again. Again he winked back. "Here's the key. to the storage room. Go around the pool, and behind the mailboxes in the rear of the complex is a beige-sided building with tan trim. No. windows. That's the storage. Just help yourself. If you need some of the bigger pieces, I'll get one of the fellas around here to move them for YOU- "I ... I can't believe this! Are you an angel or something?" Susan wanted to hug the woman but felt that Andie would think her too effusive. Andie patted Susan on the back.

"Lots of us have been there, honey. You just take care of that sweet little boy, okay? And I'll talk to you later." Andie whooshed out the door. Robbie's jaw was slack as he stared at the closed door. "That is one silly lady, but she sure is nice. Huh, Mom?" "Yes. She is very nice." Susan looked down at the key. Robbie didn't waste a second. He grabbed Susan's hand. "C'mon, Mom. Let's go see what she's got!" "Okay!" They raced out of the apartment, practically skipping down the winding sidewalk, through the pines and begonia beds strewn with pine nettles, around the pool to the mailboxes and dumpster and to the storage house. Susan unlocked the door and opened it. "Wheeeeweeee! What stinks?" Robbie asked as he waved 63

Cadmrine Lanigan his hand across ins face and pinched his nose with his thumb and forefinger. "Mildew. This room isn't air-conditioned." "Hey! Look! A cowboy lamp!" Robbie picked up a very old wooden lamp. Someone had burned cattle brands into the base and the shade. "This is neat. Can I have it?" "I don't see why not." Susan dug past a stack of wooden boxes and found a coffee table that someone's dog had cut teeth on. "We could sand this down and it would be just fine. It's rather rustic and goes with your lamp, Robbie." In the far comer was an old leather easy chair with a great deal of brass upholstery tacks for trim. "I bet if we got some saddle soap this chair might not be bad either." I Robbie found an end table that matched the coffee table and a sleeping bag, which he held up for his mother to see. "Think we could wash this?" Susan turned her head away. "I'm afraid not. It smells like someone let their horse sleep in it." "Yeah," Robbie agreed and flung it aside quickly as if it were infested with lice. Susan found a box filled with gas-station giveaway glasses, and in another box she discovered chipped plates, mugs, and even a frying pan. 111 never thought I would be so happy to see someone else's junk." Robbie looked at his mother., "All those times we gave our old stuff to the church ... I guess it really did help somebody, hub?" . "Yes. I'm sure of it now." She tousled his hair and smiled. "Well, let's see how much of this we can get up to our place, and then we'll ask Andie if we can use her telephone to call about that bed you found." "Great!" Robbie said, grasping his lamp in one hand and a small cigar box in the other. 64 Becoming "What's in there?" "Somebody's Matchbox cars," he said proudly. "I think I might need 'em. " "I'm sure you do," she said as she held the door for him. That night, with Andie's help and a pickup truck borrowed from Luis Perrera, one of the tenants in the complex, Susan, Robbie, Luis, and Luis's girlfriend, Micaela, bought a queensized bed from a woman in Terra Nova for seventy-five dollars.

Susan and Robbie agreed to ride in the back of the truck and hold the mattress down for safekeeping. It was a beautiful clear Might and the air was filled with the scent of pine. Again Susan's spirits were lifted, knowing that she had new friends and that, though her new home was very different than her old one, she could be happy here. New Orleans At the same time that Susan was setting up her new bed in Houston Jim was pacing the floor in his living room, the telephone receiver in one hand and a list of emergency numbers in the other. "I want to report a missing person-two missing persons. My wife and my son." "When did you discover their disappearance?" "They're gone, okay?" Jim knew he was short with the man, but he didn't care. He was generally pissed about the whole matter. "Sir, we cannot report anyone missing until twenty-four hours has passed." "Oh. I didn't know that. I'm sorry. It's just that-" "I know, sir. This is a very difficult and frightening time for anyone." 65

Catherine Lanigan "Yes. Difficult. Day before yesterday," Jimreplied, hoping the police wouldn't Pin him down any more than that, because the truth was, he didn't know when Susan had left. Did she leave at night after he'd hit her? Did she stay till morning? Had she even left and come back during the day and he hadn't known about it? His mind was -a mass of con- fusion- He needed a drink. He licked his lips and tried to focus on the questions he was being asked. "Are there any signs they were forcibly taken from your home?" "Of course not, but ... Officer, that had never entered my mind. How would I know if they'd been taken?" Jim's eyes scanned the house. "A door broken down, a lock broken, a broken window ... "No. No. Susan was the worst, the worst about keeping the house locked while I was at work. She was always in and out of the garden and the French doors were hardly ever locked. Could someone jump the fence?" "It's possible. Is anything missing from the house?" "Hardly anything of Susan's; a nightgown, that's all. I did notice that Robbie's calculator is gone." "Nothing else of your son's things is missing?" "I can't tell ... No. Nothing." "Your wife-if she was abducted at night, would she have been wearing the nightgown you spoke of?" "Yes. It was her favorite." "Sir, before you get upset, there is another question I have to ask you." "Shoot." "Did you and your wife have any arguments recently. - - Not really." "Nothing. You get along well with your wife?" "Of course." Jim ran his shaking hand across his forehead. 66 Becoming He looked at his hand. He hoped he never had to, take a lie detector test; he'd be spotted in a flash. "My wife is a very contented woman. However, I may have had a bit too much to drink that night, and I suppose she might have taken a few things I said the wrong way. You know how women are." "Yes, sir. I do." The officer paused for a moment. "Mr. Kidd, you'll have to come down to headquarters and file a report. Ask for me-Sergeant Brian Patterson." "Fine. I'll be right there.... Oh, and Sergeant Patterson, you think my wife was kidnapped?"

"No, sir. I think your wife ran away." Jim was stunned. He suddenly couldn't think. "Th-thank you, Sergeant Patterson. I'll see you in few minutes." "Take your time, Mr. Kidd." Sergeant Patterson hung up. Jim picked up his double-breasted, Italian-cut suit coat and slipped his arms into the silk-lined sleeves. He buttoned the bottom button and ran his hands over the expensive cloth, making certain it hung perfectly. Susan ... ran ... away.... His mind focused on each word so that he could grasp their elusive meaning. None of these words could fit in the same sentence together, Jim thought to himself. Susan couldn't, would never leave him. Not real ly. She'd threatened him with many things over the past few years, when she was nagging him about his drinking or not doing some chores or not spending time with Robbie. But all wives did that, didn't they? What had happened to Susan that she would become so mentally unbalanced all of a sudden and leave him? If she wanted a divorce, why didn't she file for one like a normal woman and demand half the furniture, the car, and visitation rights? Jim picked up his keys from the mahogany secretary. As he turned toward the door, he remembered an argument he'd 67

Catherine IAWgan had with Susan, standing in this very spot over four years earlier. "I'm not going with you, Jim. You're drunk. You're a danger to yourself, me, and everyone else on the road when you're in this condition. " "I am not drunk. I've driven home like this hundreds of times. Now come on. We're going!" He'd grabbed her arm and yanked on it. She twisted away from him. "No!" "Fine. I'll go by myself " He started toward the door. "You walk out that door, Jim Kidd, and I'llfilefor divorce in the morning. " Rage blasted through Jim like a Gutf Coast hurricane. "You'll what?" "File ... for divorce. " She stood firmly on both feet, with too much determination in her eyes. "You do and I'll fight you in every court in this country for custody of Robbie. It'll be the last goddamn time you ever see that kid of yours. " now.

- "Why would you do that? You barely notice his existence

"To keep you from him. He's my son. "But he's not your property. " Jim ground his jaw angrily. "How far do you think you'd get in this state when you have no source of income, no education to speak of, no way to support Robbie nor make a home for him. Face it, Susan, when it comes to providing I win that one hands down and you know it. Have you got any goddamn idea how much it costs a month to keep this house afloat? How much your precious Robbie costs me in doctor bills every year? And your clothes? And your haircuts, nails, and your goddamn garden ... Jesus!It never ends with you. " 68 Becondng "You would take Robbie away? her eyes.

Susan asked with tears in

"You belong to me, Susan, Don't ever forget that. Jim pushed away the memory and opened the door, knowing that he'd been right aft along. Susan belonged to him and he would get her back if he had to move heaven aud earth. 69

Chapter Seven Susan wore a tailored navy blue linen suit, navy shoes, and a matching purse when she went to apply for a job at Chili's Restaurant. The day manager, Alan Demerest, took one look at her and broke out into a very broad grin. "Have you ever waited tables before?" "I'm a quick learner," Susan replied brightly. "I'm sure you are.- He smiled again. "Is something wrong? You keep looking at me as if I have a spider crawling on my cheek or something." "I'm sorry. it's just that you look more like a secretary than a waitress. I guess I've been in this business too long; I'm beginning to stereotype people, and that's not good." Susan looked down at the shoes she'd so carefully chosen to match her suit. She wished she'd thought to match her skills to her wardrobe. Self-pity swooped across Susan's mind, but she batted it away. "I need the job." "I wish I could help you out. I'm sure you'd be just great, but the truth of the matter is, when the colleges let out for 70 Becoming the summer we got flooded with applicants. I did my hiring two weeks ago. It's really tough out there for the kids graduating from school." "It's tough for everybody ... out there," Susan said dejectedly. Alan nodded. "Would you believe that out there on the floor right now I've got four college graduates and an MBA to tend bar? And you know what? They're happy as hell to have the Jobs. " "I would be, too," she said, choking back her emotions. She looked through the window in the door to the nonsmoking section of the restaurant. Two young waitresses whipped past the office bearing trays of steaming fajitas and baskets of chips and salsa. They looked crisp and professional in their white shirts and navy trousers. Susan had eaten in restaurants just like this one a thousand times in her life, never dreaming the day would come when she would envy them their jobs. Alan's face softened. "Why don't you fill out one of our applications ... in case we have an opening. We have a very good training program, opportunities for advancement, and a benefits package." Susan had never thought about waitressing as a career, but obviously other people had. She brightened a bit as Alan handed her a printed form. "Thanks." Alan ushered her to a quiet table in the bar area where she wouldn't be disturbed. Susan took one look at the form and realized she was again forced to lie. She wrote down her false name; correct address now that she had one; the telephone number of the manager's office that Andie had given her; a false social security number and her correct age, race, and sex.

Susan's hand was shaking when she handed the form back to Alan and thanked him. "Good luck, Ms. Kaiser." "Thank you." 71

Catherine Lanigan ausan walked out of the restaurant and into the hot June sunshine. There was no sidewalk and her high heels kept sticking in the grass as she wove her way around driveways, parking lots, and gas station entrances. She felt horrendously conspicuous in her navy suit, which was gathering dust from the constant flow of heavy traffic. At the next comer she spied a Burger King, went inside, and found a pay phone. She bought a diet Coke and exchanged a five-dollar bill for quarters and began telephoning every restaurant in the area to inquire about employment- An hour later Susan was out of quarters and still hadn't found a job. She walked out of the Burger King and caught a bus that would take her to Kuykendahl, where she would have to walk the remainder of the way home. At the last gas station before she reached the apartment complex she bought a copy of the Houston Post. Susan felt as if she were melting in the hot sun. She was used to high humidity in New Orleans, but it wasn't until that afternoon, after she'd walked nearly eight miles in high heels, that she realized that, since she was sixteen years old, Susan had driven an air-conditioned car nearly everywhere she went. She had a greater appreciation than ever for the comforts money could buy. Susan went directly to Andie's office, since she had offered to watch Robbie while Susan was job hunting. Andie was on the phone when she opened the door and peeked her head around the comer. Andie waved her in and held up her index finger, indicating that she would only be a. moment longer. "Thanks a bunch. Bye-bye." Susan looked around the office. "Where's R-- Susan caught herself-quickly-"Max?" "At the pool. I felt sorry for him, staying cooped up in here when it was so nice outside." Susan stood immediately, matemal alarm bells clanging. Andie smiled. "He's fine. I was out there not three minutes ago, and Micaela is with him. They were chatting away when 72 4@1@ Becoming I checked on them. He told Micaela he knew Spanish-- "Sesame Street," Susan interrupted with a smile. "I never had kids; I wouldn't know. Anyway, I think he was learning quite a bit more today. So, how did it go, honey?" "Not so good. It seems the high school and college kids have taken all the good jobs." "I hadn't thought about it, but that's probably true," Andie stood. "Well, don't worry about it. Something will turn up." You don't know the odds I'm up against, Susan thought to herself "I'm sure it will." Susan tried to be cheerful, but, Lord, it was a strain. "I mustn't take up any more of your time. Thanks for looking after R-Max for me." Damn! It was more difficult to remember his name than her own. Andie looked at her quizzically, then shrugged her shoulders and went back to work as Susan left the office. Susan walked around the curving concrete path to the pool. The shade of the pine trees offered blessed relief from the sun. Susan opened the

wooden gate to the pool area and scanned die water for Robbie. The pool was filled to overflowing with children, a testimony to the fact that school was out for the summer. A long line of young children stood waiting for their turn at the diving board. The shallow end was nearly unoccupied, since most of the children in the complex were older. What caught Susan's attention almost immediately was the fact that, rather than seeing doting young mothers near her age sunning themselves, she saw young men playing with their children. Most of the children in the pool were Hispanic or Asian. She and Robbie were definitely the minority here. Susan put her hand over her eyes to shade them from the sun and to better search for Robbie. He wasn't in line for the diving board, nor was he in the water. She searched the lounge chairs and found Micaela. Sitting next to her, wearing a huge pair of fluorescent green swim trunks and black plastic sunglasses, 73

Catherine LAnigan with his arms crooked behind his head, was Robbie. His skin was glistening in the sun from an inch-thick coat of suntan oil. He looked like a miniature movie idol. Susan was smiling when she walked up. "Max, isn't it? Could I have your autograph?" Robbie craned his head around. "Morn, you're blocking my sun." Susan stepped to the side, pulling up a plastic chair and sitting down. "Are you having a good time?" "You bet. I always knew I wanted a swimming pool and I was right." He puffed out his chest and rubbed his belly. "This is the life." Susan burst into laughter. "God, Max, what would I do without you?" Micaela was wearing a fire-engine red one-piece bathing suit. She was a pretty girl, with long dark hair, round deep brown eyes, long lashes, and beautiful caf6-au-lait skin. She had told Susan she was nineteen and had been born in San Antonio, where she'd lived until moving to Houston. Micaela had known Luis since they were children and though they weren't married yet, Micaela knew someday they would be, "when we save up enough money." Micaela spoke with a very small accent, thanks to speech lessons she was taking two nights a week at Klein High School. Micaela sat up and looked at Susan. "I hope you don' mind. He didn't have anything to do since Andie was so busy. And I thought the pool would be a good way for him to meet the other cheeldren ... children." "I love it here, Mom." Robbie sighed. "I can see that." "Did you find a job?" Robbie asked. "No, I didn't. In fact, I'm very discouraged. Had we ar- rived three weeks ago, I wouldn't have had a problem at all. It seems I'm not qualified to do much. I can't type, I have no secretarial skills at all, I have no degree, no training for 74 Becoming anything. The list of what I can't do is endless." The heat of the day, her aching feet, and her dispirited mood created stinging tears in Susan's eyes. She didn't want Robbie to see her crying, so she stood up and took off her suit jacket. "I'll keep looking," she tried to assure Robbie. But look for what? she thought to herself. "Can you clean a house?" Micaela asked. "Of course. I haven't done much else for the past eight years." "I work six days a week for a maid's service. Today is my day off-, none of the girls want to work Saturdays and Sundays, so I'm always in demand. We had one of the girls quit two days ago because she's pregnant. Would you like the job9- Susan couldn't believe she was nearly

jubilant about a job as a housemaid, but she was. "I'd love it." "I'll call Sandra and tell her about you before she gives the job to someone else," Micaela said as she rose - and slipped her arms into,a T-shirt. "I can't thank you enough, Micaela," Susan said with a grateful smile. "No problem," Micaela replied, her Spanish accent more pronounced. After Micaela left Susan turned to Robbie. "You look well done, young man. Maybe we should call it a day." Robbie took off his sunglasses. "I guess so. I'll have to return all this stuff to Micaela." He sat on the edge of the chaise longue. "She sure is nice, isn't she, Mom?" "Yes. I think she's got best-friend potential." Robbie stood and slid his feet into a pair of man's-sized flip-flops. "Too bad she's Luis's girlfriend." Susan put her hand on Robbie's shoulder as they walked around the pool to the pathway. "Don't you think she's a little too old for you?" 75

Catherine, Lanigan Robbie looked at his mother aghast; then he broke out into a wide grin. "Naaaa." He laughed along with his mother. That night Susan and Robbie were invited to Luis and Micaela's apartment for dinner. Susan welcomed the invitation, since she still didn't have silverware, kitchen tools, or cookware. She had given Andie some cash to pay for a burger and fries for Robbie's lunch. It wasn't until they walked into Micaela's apartment and smelled chicken frying that she realized she hadn't eaten a thing all day. Suddenly she was famished. "Dinner is almost ready," Micaela said as Luis motioned to the glass-topped table and four gold velour and steel chairs in the dining area. "Have some chips and salsa while I finish the potatoes." Robbie didn't waste a second as he grabbed a handful of the triangular-shaped corn chips. "This is really good," he said with his mouth full of salsa. I "I make it myself. Someday I'm going to sell my salsa and chips commercially.Susan was instantly impressed. She picked up one of the chips and realized it was still warm. "You made these yourself?" "St... yes." "They're wonderful. Not greasy at all." "No fat. I bake them instead of frying them." Luis went to Micaela and kissed her cheek. "She's amazing, no?" "Yes!" Robbie said, stuffing four more chips loaded down with fresh, tangy salsa into his mouth. Susan tried to be as polite as possible, but her curiosity was killing her. "Micaela, did you get a chance to speak with Sandra?" "Yes! She called me back right after I invited you to dinner. In fact, the phone was ringing when I walked in the door." She poured milk into the pan of boiled potatoes, added 76 Becoming a half stick of butter, salt, and pepper and began mashing. "She told me to bring you with me tomorrow. You can have an interview, fill out the application, and then stay with me all day. She said she would see how it goes." Concern creased Susan's brow. "Don' worry." Luis patted her hand. "Micaela weel give you a good recommendation. She weel teech you everything about cleaning de houses." Robbie got up from the table, his hunger satiated for the time being, and began investigating Micaela's domain. He went into the kitchen and asked if he could help, and Micaela gave him the silverware, which he placed correctly on the bright green

placemats. Micaela's apartment was truly a reflection of the girl herself. Her colors were bright and cheery and used with abandon rather than plan or formula. Everything from the cobalt blue and yellow Mexican pottery jars and plates on a bookshelf in the living room, to the red, green, and white floral sofa and love seat, and the new wooden coffee table, which Micaela had bought last month with her savings, was meticulously, spotlessly clean. Robbie liked the bathroom, with its seashell-motif-border wallpaper, with shower curtain and towels to match.' "Hey! This is cool stuff! Where'd you get it? WalMart?" "Max! Must you always ask where people buy things?" "I want to know. Besides, you said it was bad manners to ask how much it cost, not where it came from." "Home Depot," Luis answered Max. "Cool." Robbie peeked into the master bedroom and saw that Luis and Micaela owned his dream of dreams ... a waterbed. "Aw, Mom! They have a waterbed! I've always wanted a waterbed.- Then Robbie turned around and noticed a second bedroom. "Hey, cool! Another bedroom. Who sleeps in here?" Robbie had his hand on the doorknob when Luis seemed to appear out of nowhere. 77

Catherine Lanigan "My office." He took Robbie's hand from the knob and walked him back down the short hall and through the living room to the dining room. "We're ready to eat," Luis announced. Robbie was wide-eyed as Micaela placed a huge platter of fried chicken on the table, along with mashed potatoes, a tossed salad, and a bowl of green beans. Robbie thought he could eat every morsel all by himself. Susan could never remember a time when her mouth drooled more. "This is a feast, Micaela. Thank you for inviting us," Susan said. Micaela returned her smile. "You're welcome. Neighbors should help each other, no?" she said. Susan thought of her neighborhood in New Orleans. They all lived such separated lives, sometimes not seeing each other for weeks or months on end. She knew most everyone's names, except for the newlywed couple who bought Pam and Ted's house, but she was certain that tonight no one knew she was gone and probably didn't care. Susan couldn't remember the last time one of herneighbors had invited her for dinner, and neither had Susan invited any of them to her home. Of course, because of Jim's drinking Susan had long ago abandoned home entertaining. Susan was learning many things in her new life as Star, and though much of it was disheartening, there was a great deal to be said about this new set of eyes with which she viewed the world. It was nine-thirty when Susan and Robbie went back to their own apartment. They'd had a wonderful time getting to know Luis and Micaela, but as Robbie got into bed that night, he couldn't help wondering what was in Luis's "office" that he didn't want Robbie to see. 78 W-1 0 F Chapter zigbt Jim rammed his fist against the leather-wrapped steering wheel of his Mercedes. "Ow!" He placed his aching fist to his mouth, thinking he'd broken the skin. He rubbed it with h s other hand. "Damn cops. I hate cops." i Jim Kidd had spent nearly three hours at police headquar- filling out paperwork, answering questions, and-mostly A ters defending himself. He couldn't believe how difficult it was to report someone missing. The cops had to call in shrinks, task-force consultants to the consultants, and God only knew who else, simply to determine that Susan was gone. Sergeant Brian Patterson had been a nice enough fellow, a New Orleanian, forty-two with two children of his own, but once Jim had filled out some very preliminary papers Patterson had handed Jim over to an investigator. , Lieutenant Roberts was as hard-boiled as they got, Jim determined from the minute he shook hands with the potbellied, ,'_@_balding man with the cigar in his mouth. Roberts spent half @@-bis time coughing and running his liver-spotted hand over his 79

Catherine Unigan profusely sweating brow and the other half raking Jim over the coals, as if he had been the one who'd done something wrong. "Look," Jim growled two hours into the grueling session, "Susan took off to who knows where with my son. I don't know where she is, how the hell she intends to stay away since she doesn't have any money..." "I thought you said she took the car." Lieutenant Roberts picked up a sheet of paper containing his notes. "A Taurus, you said." "That's right. A blue 1992 Taurus." "Then she's got money." "I don't get it." Lieutenant Roberts looked over the rim of his reading glasses at Jim as if he were the dullest wit on the earth. "She could sell the car." Jim was dumbfounded. Why hadn't he thought of that? He could hardly look the lieutenant in the eye, he felt so stupid. Suddenly Jim's memory bank deposited a scene of himself and Susan in their kitchen about three, maybe four months earlier. Jim had been shuffling through a sea of paperwork in those preliminary days of his negotiations with the Japanese. He hadn't known his head from his tail, he'd been so excited at the prospect of what this deal could mean to his career. He didn't realize it until now, but he'd completely blanked Susan and Robbie out of his existence. He'd lived and breathed, ate, slept, and drank this deal. Now, as he looked back on it, he remembered thinking that Susan was pressing him very hard for something, but he couldn't be bothered. He didn't care. "What are these papers you want me to sign?" "We talked about this a week ago and you agreed. I want my name to be on something around here. The house is in your name. The credit is in your name. The cars are both in your name. It's as if I don't exist. I'm just Mrs. James Kidd. 80 Becomin,g "So? What's the matter with that?" "I want the Taurus in my name, and to do that you have to sign this transference of title. " "Jesus, Susan, is that all? Gimme the goddamn thing. " He scribbled his signature on the line she indicated. .'Now, are we done with all this women's liberation shit? I've got a million things on my mind. Susan looked down at the slip of paper he'd signed. "Me, too, Jim. Me, too. I I Jim slapped his hand to his, forehead. "Damn! She was planning all this back then." "Sorry, Mr. Kidd; I didn't hear you," Roberts said.

"What about your wife?" Jim blinked his tired eyes. He needed to get out of here and think this through. He needed a drink. He needed to calm down and get a grip. He couldn't tell the police the truth, that Susan left him because he'd hit her ... twice. They'd laugh at him and never help him out. Shit. Could they put him in jail for assault and battery? Did they have to prove it first? Jim's ignorance of the law made him feel as if he were sitting on the hot seat. "My wife is a very happy woman. She would not run away. I think ... she was abducted." "There's a lot of sickos out there, Mr. Kidd, I'll grant you that, but we feel, given the evidence, that your wife may not have been all that happy. Did you ever receive any odd phone calls?" "Odd?" "Calls you couldn't explain. Calls from another man, perhaps?" "You think my wife has a lover?" Jim threw himself back in the chair. "That's ludicrous." "Not really. We see it all the time." "I'll bet, but not with my wife. She has me." Skepticism bordering on scom riddled Lieutenant Roberts's 81

Cadierine Unigan expression. "Did you argue with your wife, Mr. Kidd?" "No. Never." "Did she argue with you?" "She nagged. Don't they all?" "No. Do you take drugs, Mr. Kidd?" "What kind of drugs?" "The illegal kind ... pot ... coke.. . 'ludes ... heroin ... XTI Jim kept shaking his head. "No. I don't do that kind of thing." "You got a girlfriend, Mr. Kidd? Someone your wife might be jealous about?" "God, no.,, "Do you drink, Mr. Kidd?" "Only socially." Lieutenant Roberts lifted his head and looked Jim squarely in the eye. "Do you get drunk often? Maybe forget some of the things you say or do? You pass out at all? Have lapses of memory?" "No. No. No. This is all a waste of time, I tell you. I want to know why you haven't dispatched your men to look for my wife!" With every word Jim's voice rose another octave and became more frantic. "Did you ever hit your wife, Mr. Kidd?" "No! Dammit! I never hit my wife ... or my kid. I never did anything. But ... I got pressures." "We all do, Mr. Kidd." The interrogation lasted another hour, but as far as Jim was concerned nothing was accomplished. Roberts had introduced Jim to a counselor, Loretta Pierce, who treated Jim as if he were Attila the Hun. She used the same questionnaire as Lieutenant Roberts, and Jim wondered if these people had any concept of the time they were wasting. "I already answered that question." 82 Becoming "I'd just like to bear for myself," Loretta said placidly as she took notes on a yellow legal pad. "I don't fight with my wife. I have never hit my wife, and if anybody says I did, they're goddamn liars. You know there's a lot of jealous people in the world, and plenty of them would like to trip me up." "Is that so?" "Yes. I make a very good living. Very good. I provide Susan ... and Robbie, too, with the finest money can buy. How many seven-year-old kids do you know who've got a Pentium computer at home?" "None, actually."

"Mine does." "Is he good at it?" I "Who?, I "Your son. Is he proficient with the computer?" "Yes ... I think so. Yes. Very definitely. He's always got his face plastered next to the screen." Jim visualized Robbie sitting in his room in his little, wooden chair at his kiddie table, playing games on the computer. Jim had brought the computer home from work as part of his year-end bonus eighteen months earlier. Jim wasn't exactly sure what Robbie did on the computer and assumed that he played games on it. He wasn't smart enough to figure out Windows, was he? Jim had never asked. "'Mat's wonderful that you encourage learning in this manner, Mr. Kidd." "Thank you." Jim finally relaxed a bit, crossed his right leg over his lek and folded his hands in his lap. "If you and your wife didn't quarrel, Mr. Kidd, what other reason could you give for her disappearance?" "I ... I don't know." Loretta lifted her chin and looked at him with dark, knowing eyes, as if she'd heard his response before. . . many, many times. "What I meant was, perhaps she quarreled with 83

Catherine Lanigan her parents, a brother, a sister, your family "No ... Not my family. No," Jim answered tersely and a bit too quickly. "Susan doesn't know my family." "They don't live here?" "No. But her family does. Susan is an only child, but now that you mention it that could be a possibility. Susan hasn't gotten ong with her parents since we met. Well, actually, since Susan got pregnant with Robbie..." "He's not your son?" "Of course he is. Why did you ask that?" "Just the way you answered ... as if Susan got pregnant by herself." "Well, I certainly didn't mean it that way." "I see." Loretta scribbled a few more notes to herself "She was pregnant before you married her." "Yes. She was a freshman at Tulane. I was a senior." Loretta looked at the first page of notes. She smiled winningly at him, though Jim detected a bit of condescension. Maybe he was becoming paranoid. "Mr. Kidd ... Jim Kidd. Not the Jim Kidd? The same Jim Kidd who made that incredible touchdown against SMU back in..." "Nineteen-eighty-five! That was me!" Jim grinned at Loretta. "Hell of a game. I never would have guessed you for a football fan." "I graduated in 1967. 1 get season tickets every year." "That's great. Just great." Loretta stood up and shook Jim's hand warmly. "Thank you, Mr. Kidd, and let me assure you that we will do everything in our power to find your wife and little boy," she said and walked away. Jim did not see the change in Loretta's expression as she walked away, nor the last note she scribbled on her pad: Check college record. ABC Act. DWIs. Neighbor complaints. Loretta circled the word "abuse." 84 Becondng V"Z"". n Jim left he promised Lieutenant Roberts that he __would bring in more pictures of Susan and Robbie and would re any correspondence or communication that occurred een them should he hear from his wife and son. police were as ineffectual as he knew they would be, 4,irn thought to himself as he drove home. Tied down with all paperwork and red tape, legalities and rules, it was a they could issue traffic tickets. As he drove home on 1-10, Jim realized that the only way he going to find Susan was to hunt her down him- was ever If.

"Not an easy task, old man," he said to himself. He had more obligations at the office now than ever before. "V"If he put in sixteen hours a day, it still wouldn't be enough. s Japanese deal had turned into a dragon, devouring time, power, and attention. Tomorrow morning a new assistant Id be assigned to him in order that the work be expedited. Jim didn't know which way to turn. He couldn't walk out the office at such a crucial time to go traipsing around isiana to find Susan. He had worked too hard for too long blow it all now over a ... what had the cops called it? ... "'domestic problem." He would have to hire someone to find Susan. A private stigator was what he needed. Then he could keep up his entum at work and get Susan back home where she beng without involving the police any more than necessary. Why hadn't he thought of it earlier? Yes. That was what to be done. Jim didn't like the way the police spoke him, slipping insinuations that he was some kind of demon every question and commem He'd like to see how many ys could stand up to that kind of drilling. Damn! He knew ys who did a lot worse than he had when they had to let a little steam. Jim wasn't a bad guy, but he could see how e cops could make it look that way. It was best for all concerned that Jim keep the police out 'his life. Definitely best. 85

Chapter Nine Sandra Tree, of the prominent and illustrious Philadelphia Tree family by marriage, and then retaining the name after her divorce, welcomed Susan to, her sunny offices off Louetta Road in Spring, Texas. Sandra, dark haired and strikingly attractive, was smartly dressed in a conservative white linen summer suit with a yellow silk blouse. Sandra's office looked as if it had been the model in a decorating magazine, Susan thought as she sat in a cozy chair upholstered in an English tea rose print in soft greens and pinks. Sandra's desk was a light pickled Country French writing desk containing all the newest office equipment and computers that frightened Susan more than she wanted to admit. Sandra looked to be the same age as Susan, which made Susan uncomfortable. Sandra was incredibly efficient, as she answered her calls, sent a Fax, redialed a client's house, and double-checked the computer log for an update on the woman's account. 86 Becoming Finally Sandra turned toward Susan. "I'm sorry for the interruptions, but when Angela quit my schedule got thrown @,6 off. You, my dear, are a blessing in disguise." "Thank you." Sandra shoved up the sleeves of her jacket to reveal a very expensive gold watch. She turned to the computer and poised .",her hands above the keyboard. "Now, let's get the vital sta- ti -its cs as quickly as possible so we won't delay Micaela any --more than necessary. Name?" "Star Kaiser." Sandra threw Susan a suspicious look but continued with ",-,.,:her questioning. Susan ran through her litany of lies, until all blanks on the screen were filled. Sandra punched the ENTER button and turned back to Susan. "Micaela has gone to find you one of our uniforms for y. If you like the work, I'll order your proper size. All y girls are bonded and insured. At Merry Maids we pride ,""Ourselves on efficiency and thoroughness. You are hired to -,clean, not rearrange someone's house, so don't let them buf- o you into thinking you should do more. All our clients ,,,have a list of what we do and don't do. Report any breakages f anything-even appliances-to me, so that I can contact client. We run teams of two or three girls to a house, so @,,you will never be alone. No sexual harassment will be tolted from male or female clients. Some of my girls are still ing English, so I would advise leaming a bit of Spanish 'yourself. I speak it fluently; it can't hurt. You will be paid by "check twice a month on the first and the fifteenth. I provide an's comp but not health insurance. However, there is company plan available if you choose to join for forty-five Ilars a month. Do you have a child?" "Yes. Max is seven." "It's another ten dollars to cover him." "I'll think about that. Right now I need the money." Susan ew she didn't dare sign up for insurance because that would 87

Catherine Lanigan be another set of lies, papers that could track her down, another chance for her false Social Security Number to be flagged. She needed to tread lightly. "I was wondering ... could I possibly be paid in cash?" Sandra's perfectly arched dark eyebrow lifted. "I usually expect that question from one of my Mexican girls ... especially the ones who look illegal." "I'm not an illegal alien." Sandra's expression softened as her eyes filled with con- cem. "Are you sure you want this job? You aren't exactly the maid type...." "I need this job ... desperately." Sandra suddenly felt the pangs of Susan's dilemma. knew that the minute you walked in the door. Who hit you?' Susan rolled her eyes upward so that Sandra wouldn't see her fear. "Am I so transparent?" "I'm a woman, Star. We all know when one of us is in trouble. I could use some help here in the office. None of my girls have any skills ...... "Neither do I. But I can clean rings around anyone." Sandra smiled broadly. "Wanna bet? These girls are miracle workers." She laughed. "Okay. For now, you can learn what they know. And I'll see what I can do about paying you in cash, but just for a while. My accountant is a stickler for this kind of thing, and the feds watch me like a hawk. These girls are forever trying to bring their sisters, aunts, and mothers across the border." "I had no idea," Susan said. "But thank you for all your help." Just then Micaela knocked on the door and peeked her head inside. "Are you ready?" Susan was smiling. "Yes." She shook hands with Sandra and left the office. When the door closed Sandra whispered to herself, "Poor thing. Thank God I don't have to walk in her shoes." 88 Becoming S usan wore a white uniform with powder-blue lettering on the breast pocket that said MERRY mAws and was encircled with stars, hearts, crescent moons, and balloons. Micaela, Su- a rode in a white Chevene emblazoned with san, and Juanit company logo to the west side of Houston, where they to clean two houses that day in an elegant subdivision. The first house was in Barker's Landing and was the home o a chiropracter, his wife, and their one-and-a-half-year-old son. When they walked through the leaded glass and wood Susan thought she'd walked into a mansion. The three girls walked across the beige-tiled foyer, under the sweeping tircular staircase and the triple-tiered brass chandelier to a "Awo-story living room elegantly appointed in deep, rich bur- @,,,@gundy brocades and black silks. A massive red brick fireplace @@;soared to the ceiling and

opened into both the living room and the adjacent, sunny family room. The mistress of the ,Pbouse, Gaye, had raced across the room to retrieve her baby n from the interior of the fireplace. "Bucky! Just look at you!" she said, brushing off a head- ,,to-toe covering of soot and ashes as the child squealed in She turned to the maids. "Obviously I need the fireL"Place cleaned out as well. Just add it to my bill," she said with exasperation as she led her son off to the bathroom for bath. Susan couldn't help giggling to herself. How many times .bad she gone through the same kind of experience with Rob- ? However, Micaela and Juanita didn't miss a beat. Juanita as already out the door and unloading cleaning supplies, s, brooms, and the vacuum from the car. "We bring our own vacuum, but in a house this size, we use the client's vacuums and mops, too. It makes it go faster. y you start in the living room. Juanita does the kitchen. 1hey are her specialty and that's all she does. You and I can 89

Catherine Lanigan clean nearly the whole house in the time it takes her to do that one room." "She's that slow?" "No, there's just more to do in the kitchen. Especially if the client has paid extra to clean out the refrigerator." Susan looked up the huge staircase@and at the vast master's wing to the left. "I don't know." Susan was instantly aware that even her parents' house wasn't this big, "You'll be fine. You start upstairs and change the sheets in the bedroom and nursery. Gaye leaves out clean sheets for us to put on. We are not responsible for doing the laundry, but I always start the washer for her. Upstairs is her husband's study, and all you have to do is dust and vacuum. It's the staircase and two baths up there that take the time. I'll start on the fireplace before the baby gets out of the bath." "GoW idea." Juanita distributed three plastic trays, each filled with the appropriate cleaners, cloths, sponges, and brushes. There were special polishes for chrome, brass, and gold fixtures. Tiny brushes were to be used with the mildew cleaners. Steel-wool soap pads and a special calcium remover were used on shower doors, toilets, baths, and sinks. No wonder these girls worked miracles, Susan thought as she followed Micaela's instructions and procedures. Every task was to be accomplished in a precise order, with no deviations allowed. Because of her past experience as a housewife Susan had misgivings about the enormity of their task, given that they were only allotted three and a half hours. It wasn't until she was an hour into her chores that Susan realized how different this work was. Since this was not her home she never had to answer the phone or the door, make lunch for her son, run errands, or begin preparations for the family dinner, all of which she noticed that Gaye was doing while the girls cleaned. The house was spotless and fresh-smelling when they fin- 90 Becondng collected a check fi-om Gaye, and returned to their an- -,;,-Jomobile. Micaela started the engine. "You did very well, Susan, and we finished thirty minutes of schedule. We have time to get a hamburger before go to the next house." Juanita's arms were folded across her chest. "She dint dry sinks in de batrooms. I had to do eet." "I'll do better next time," Susan assured her. "Okay." Juanita smiled. They drove through Two Pesos for tacos and diet Cokes. Juanita didn't know as much English as Micaela did, so the girls spoke Spanish to each other a good deal. Sandra is right, Susan thought to herself as she munched on the taco, I to take Spanish lessons. "These tacos are great!" Susan said. "Dey are sheet!" Juanita said with a scowl. "hficaela could make theem bayter."

"I could. And I'm going to. I wonder. . Micaela looked up at the huge sign with the logo on it. Then she lifted her paper cup filled with ice and diet Coke. She pointed to the bottom of the cup. "Just as I thought. Here's the company address. I'll write to the president and ask them to* try my salsa." Micaela took out a ballpoint pen and scribbled the address on a piece of paper and stuck them both back in her purse. "I'm practically in business ah-eady!" "You're really serious about marketing your own salsa?" Micaela looked at Susan in the rearview mirror. "You don't think I want to be a maid all my life, do you?" "I ... thought. . "No way. I'm only doin' this until I save enough money to start my business." "What does Lui's think about this?" Susan inquired. Juanita started laughing. "Who cares?" Micaela and Susan began laughing with her. "Who 91

Catherine Lanigan cares?" Micada shrugged her shoulders. "Men ... they come ... they go.... You gotta take care of yourself first. No?" "Yes," Susan said as they finished their lunch, deposited their waste paper in the paper bag, and headed for the next assignment Susan was beside herself with wonder. Micaela was almost eight years younger and she knew more about life than Susan ever hoped to learn. God! How right she was! Not since the day she'd been watching that women's talk show with the panel of psychiatrists discussing alcoholism and the dependency of wives had Susan had such a revelation about the Inadequacies of her upbringing. Susan had been duped by her mother's fantasies for her and a worn-out Southern cultural code of ethics that declared that a woman was meant to subject her mind, body, and life to a man the day she married. Susan's frarrie of reference came from her mother, who was raised by Grandmother Alecia-in Susan's estimation, the quintessential Southern lady. To grow up in Susan's world of Old New Orleanian values and mores was to step back a hundred and fifty years. Susan had attended private girls' schools all her life. She barely knew what boys thought or dreamed or acted like. She had no brothers, not even any boy cousins. Even in her neighborhood there were only three boys to eleven girls. The boys were transported by their nonworking mothers to and from piano or horn lessons, tennis, golf, and swimming lessons. They all belonged to the same clubs and their parents entertained each other at crab boils and fish frys in each others' homes. Like her mother, Susan had believed that when she married her husband would love her and care for her all her life. Perhaps if she'd gone out-of-state to college, her life might have had more illumination, but she'd simply taken classes at Tulane and lived at home. 92 Becoming wasn't until Susan was married and taking c are of Robbie she began watching television talk shows and heard stoof suffering that other women in places far removed from Orleans underwent. Susan could remember watching detachment as the women on television cried or raged ft injustices they'd endured. For a long time Susan ac y had believed these women had fabricated these stories to see themselves on Oprah! or Phil Donahue. E Susan believed that her own hard-luck experience of get- pregnant with Robbie during the first two months of dat Jim was as shameful an event as anything these women about. But Jim had married her, which washed away sin. Or had that simply swept it under the table? Jim had resented the baby, but he'd wanted to marry Susan. she were brutally honest with herself, she would have to it that Jim wanted to be Bart Beaulieu's son-in-law more he'd wanted to be Susan's husband. My God! she ught. Where had that revelation come from? She didn't to think so little of herself ... but Jim did. Susan chose not to reflect upon her parents' scorn, because was too painful. She didn't want to remember things or s that weren't "nice." And Susan was a nice girl. She pushed away the memories of those days so successfully she had convinced herself they had never happened. She realized she'd been walking through her life in a coma. had used liquor to anesthetize himself, but Susan used nial. For the first time she saw the parallel between herself d Jim. No wonder they'd stayed together as long as they . In a twisted way they had needed each other.

Suddenly the car pulled to a stop in front of a beautiful o-story colonial house. Susan was so lost in her thoughts, had not realized Micaela was talking to her. "Hey, gringa," Micaela teased. "'Let's see how fast you 93

Catherine Lanigan can move. If we finish early, we'll make that call to the president of Two Pesos." Susan crawled out of the small backseat and took the mops and brooms Micaela handed her. "Just call me 'Speedy.' " As they went up the brick walkway to the front door, Susan realized that the difference between herself and the young Mexican girl was that Susan was afraid of living-she just wanted to get through life and be done with it-and Micaela was afraid she'd die before she'd grasped all she could out of living. It was strange that Susan's life had taken such an odd turn and yet, in the midst of this whirlwind, she was learning more about herself, more about life, than she'd ever dreamed possible. Chapter Tew 94 Orleans Jim three days to drum up the courage to tell his iness associates that Susan and Robbie were missing. The stions they -asked were more probing than those of the ce, and only half as sympathetic. "I'm sorry to hear that, Jim. Guess you've been working much lately, huh, ol' pal?" James stated. "Gee, that's a shame, Jim. I caught a lot of flack at home, Jesus, Jim, haven't you learned yet how to appease your e?" Bob Jones said. "I'll bet she's got a boyfriend. They all do," Elliot in ac- nting said morosely. Jim knew that Betty had left Elliot years ago for another guy, and Elliot was still in shock. y, Jim couldn't blame Betty. In Jim's estimation Elliot the personality of a handful of dead rats. Other guys with other problems had never interested Jim. was always too busy to hear about their wives, their bills, 95

Catherine Lanigan their kids. "Like nobody else had the same problems anyway," Jim thought to himself at the time. However, no one could recommend a private detective. Jim played tennis every Tuesday and Thursday night when he wasn't plowed under with work, so he asked some of the guys at the tennis club if they knew of anyone who could help him find Susan. He was met with condescending looks and polite replies to the negative. It wasn't until he was sitting at the bar having a post-match beer with Simon Hebert that he learned anything helpful. "Ali know of a guy. Ali had to use him in a personalinjury law suit about a year ago. Ali never met him, but he was fast and good. As Ali recall, he took less than ten days to find the missing witness to the accident," Simon told Jim with a pronounced Southern drawl. "That's great! Where is this guy?" "Hem in Nawleans," Simon replied. "Lemmah see ... his name is, let's see ... Rawlings, Tate Rawlings." "This is great, Simon. I'll give him a call." Simon finished his beer, tied his white v-necked, longsleeved tennis sweater around his suntanned neck, and picked up his racket. "Ali have anothah match. See you latah, Jim. Good luck." Still knee-deep in contract negotiations with the Japanese, it was a full week before Jim found the time to place a call to Tate Rawlings, private investigator. His secretary informed Jim that it would be another ten days before Mr. Rawlings had an opening. "But she's been gone for ten days already! This is an emergency." "They all are, Mr. Kidd. How about Monday, July eighth, at three o'clock, and if there's a cancellation, I'll call you." '41 guess I'll have to take it," Jim replied. "Tell me-is he that good?" 96 BeCOMM9 s that good. We'll see you on Monday the eighth at Jim slarnmed down the receiver. "Goddammit ... this guy "'worse than the police!" Jim looked at his desk, which was with paperwork and a Daytimer filled with back-to-back s for the next four days solid. "Shit. It's not like I 't have enough to worry about without Susan pulling this Jim's assistant, Tiffany Derring, knocked on his door and opened it. "You're wanted in the conference room, Mr. she said, pushing back an errant lock of dishwater hair from her narrow forehead. Of all the people in the d who didn't fit their name, Tiffany was the best exam- Tiffany had learned at an early age that if she wanted to a diamond and not a rhinestone, she would have to develop talents; there wasn't enough makeup in the world to S ge her homely face into anything other than what it was.

n Tiffany had started out in the business world she had ded to become the best secretary in New Orleans. After two weeks at Metro Media Tiffany knew that her lot life was to be a great deal more than somebody's goter. 4'iffany wanted Jim Kidd's job, and she didn't care how many s it took, how many years in school, how many lost 'weekends. She was going to learn everything he knew and some. Now that she had been with Metro Media five lears, Tiffany was more confident than ever that she would 'tave Jim's job someday if she never took another class at U. Jim was a drunk. It was only a matter of time before ,everyone else figured it out. The fact that he had pulled off ,this Japanese deal was a blessing in disguise. Jim was a great pitchman and an even better salesman, but he fell apart on .'the details; the legalities, the business plans, the contracts. Tiffany had covered his rear for years. At the first of the year been promoted to assistant manager, which meant that, 97

Catherine Lanigan her name went next to Jim's on every contract, every,letter and memo his office put out. Tiffany was on her way to the top. Jim looked at his watch. "How can it possibly be eleven o'clock already? I haven't finished that report. . .- He shuffled through the stack of reports and memos on his cluttered desk. "It's okay. I inputted all your changes this morning, finished up your conclusions, made copies, and put them in the conference room." Jim sighed with relief "God, we make a good team, don't we?" "The best, sir." Tiffany smiled, revealing her crooked teeth. Tiffany allowed Jim to believe she took her subservient role seriously; he was the kind of man who didn't understand anything else. When Jim walked past Tiffany she could still smell last night's bourbon on his breath. She followed him down the hall, thinking that he couldn't keep up this killer pace and the drinking forever. All the signs are there, she thought to herself Even Susan wasn't sticfdng around for his downfall. Houston Susan woke up with a smile on her face. She stretched out and then kissed Robbie's cheek. "Wake up, pumpkin. It's a new day. Susan nearly sprang out of bed and hummed a tune as she walked into the bathroom and started her shower. Robbie rolled over sleepily and slapped his hand over the clock radio, dreamily thinking the music he heard was coming from it. "Uh, it's Mommy." He rolled back over and closed his eyes again. Susan showered quickly, washed her short dark hair, then toweled herself dry and put on her uniform. As, she dried her 98 Becoming the blower, she couldn't help looking at the happy, girl in the mirror. It was downright weird how she could be so happy clean- :110uses, living in a cramped apartment with hardly any and no car. She guessed she liked her work so much se it was all so new. "The honeymoon period" was Sandra had called it, but Susan knew it was more than free for the first time in her life. With her false ...-:Susan was she was suspended between reality and illusion. Sepfrom Jim, she was able to see how deeply disturbed 'd been. She could look back on her life in New Orleans if it had happened to someone else. And oddly, Susan felt for that girl. Susan also knew she never wanted to be woman again. kll'@'..-Susan believed she'd made the right decision for herself for Robbie. They had made new friends in Houston; peowho liked her for who she was and not because she was Kidd's wife or Bart Beaulieu's daughter. She was in the ss of, teaching herself to speak her mind, a practice Jim stifled from the very beginning of their life together. This and possibly irrational act of running away had taught that she knew nothing about life, relationships, or the woman she had now become. Day care, job sharing, mity benefits, taxes, Social Security, and workman's risation had all previously been just words to Susan. to Star Kaiser they were lifelines to security. To Susan Beaulieu secuyity had meant being married. To Kidd security was keeping Jim sober. She knew now she

could never rely on a man, or any other person, to her security. She had to do it for herself. Susan finished putting on her makeup. She went to the hen and boiled water for a cup of instant coffee. "Robbie, you up? I only have twenty minutes before Micaela will ready to leave." 99

Catherine Lanigan Robbie was rubbing his eyes as he walked into the kitchen. He looked taller, Susan thought as she hugged her son. Or was he thinner? "Good morning, pumpkin." -'Momin'." He crawled onto one of the two mismatched wooden chairs they'd found in the storage building. Andie had lent them a foldaway card table. Robbie picked up his spoon and yawned. "Can I have Cocoa Puffs?" Susan rolled her eyes. "I didn't buy cereal yesterday." "Aw, Mom! You promised." "I was too tired to shop after working all day. Today at noon I'll get you something. How about Cheerios instead?" "Okay," he said and waited while Susan filled a bowl with cereal and milk, then placed it before him. "Thanks." "I forgot to tell you that you won't be going to Luis's today." "Why not?" "Because Andie found a new

girl, Toni Camelo, who baby-sits."

"Aw, gees. Do I havta? I have a good time with Luis. He's got a Sega." "Joy." "I don't want to spend all day with a bunch of babies." He angrily shoved a heaping spoonful of cereal into his mouth. "Toni Camelo is certified by the state to watch children. She's got the meeting room downstairs; you can still swim with the older kids. You'll see, it will be fine." "What's the matter with Luis?" "Luis and Micaela were helping us out for die short term, until we got settled. Micaela says that Luis needs his privacy to get his work done. Whatever that means." "He makes things in his office." "What kind of things?" Robbie shrugged his shoulders. "I dunno. He won't let me in there." 100 Becoming at the clock, -Omigosh! I'll be late." ooked 1 41", @ I Susan rushed to slap together a peanut butter sandh for her lunch, Robbie shoveled his cereal into his mouth, raced to the bedroom for a pair of shorts, a T-shirt, and shoes. He'd started out of the room when he remembered his new bathing trunks, sunglasses, and his own key to tbe apartment, which he attached to his shorts with a large '4af ety pin. Susan took Robbie down to the meeting room where Toni Z i;,@!,;C:amelo would be caring for seven children. She was about irty-five short, and as round as a roly-poly doll. She had a with deepset green eyes and a wide smile. Toni rry face as holding a screaming two-year-old boy whose mother had left, while a three-year-old girl and a four-year-old boy on her pants leg,

asking for drinks and cookies. Two -year-old girls sat off to the side of the room at a children's tic picnic table with coloring books, crayons, scissors, and The redheaded little girl picked her nose and watched bie intently as he came into the room. Susan introduced herself and Robbie quickly and then to leave. Robbie walked with her to the sliding glass rs. "Now, you be good for Toni." Susan kissed him.* "Don't worry, Mom." He motioned behind him with his "She looks as if she could use all the help she can "She does have her hands full." Robbie puffed out his chest. "I'll take care of things here 'Vittil you get back." Okay, honey." Susan kissed him again and walked away. he turned back to take a last look at Robbie, thinking he'd *11 be standing at the door, a forlorn expression on his face. 'Mowever, he was gone, and through the glass she saw him walking over to Tom, taking the hands of the two children at her leg, and walking with them to a pile of building blocks. 101

Catherine Lanigan Susan, like Robbie, had not a minute to waste on sentinmwat. She dashed around to the parking lot in time to see Juanita and Micaela driving up in the company car. Susan got in and they drove east to 1-45 and then north to the Woodlands, where they spent every Wednesday and Thursday cleaning houses. New Orleans Lieutenant Roberts rubbed the bald spot on his head as he looked at the newest report on the Susan, Kidd case. He looked up from his desk to the blue-uniformed man sitting next to him. "You took this call?" "Yes, sir." "Get this State Trooper ... Mulday, on the phone for me." "Yes, sir," Officer Barnett replied as he left the office, went back to his desk, and placed the series of long-distance calls it took to track down this first sighting of Susan Kidd. Forty minutes later, Roberts picked up the phone receiver and spoke to Mulday. "I read your report and I wanted to verify some points with you." "Fine," Mulday said from his car phone. "You state here that there was a child with her." "Yes, that's right. A boy, about six to eight. He matched the description and APB photo. As did Mrs. Kidd." "You also state here that Mrs. Kidd had a bruised face. Is that accurate?" "Yes. Swollen jaw, bruise. Her eye was bloodshot, and not just from crying. It's a wonder her jaw wasn't busted. Somebody decked her good." "Are you aware that her husband claims they have never exchanged words? Never fought? He has never hit her?" "I heard words to that effect from someone in your office a Mrs. Loretta Pierce." Trooper Mulday paused. "Listen, 102 Becom ing hant Roberts, we have a word up here in Baton Rouge what that lady's husband told you ... bullshit. Off the id, I hope this woman is one of the few who can find a ay to beat our system. I hope to hell she finds a way to fall gh the cracks and never come out. To tell you the truth, "'Itaven't been able to get her out of my mind. You know?" "Yeah I know." "She sure was pretty. And that little boy of hers ... he was ious. They were sittin' ducks where I found 'em. If I was M woman's big brother, I'd knock the shit out of anyone _-,,*ho did something like that to her." Roberts looked down at the family photographs Jim Kidd -,had sent him. He knew just what Trooper Mulday was saying. old as he was, as seasoned and cynical as he'd become, s case had gotten

under his skin, too. "You have no bead ,,,on where she went after you left her?" "No. And frankly, I can't say I'd tell you if I did." "Need I remind you-" "No, you need not." Mulday expelled a rush of air. "No @,@one in this area has spotted her license plate since that night." "Very well. Thank you." "No problem, Lieutenant Roberts." Roberts took four calls, all of which had been waiting for him while he'd spoken with Mulday. A frantic mother needed to be calmed when she'd come home at noon and found a note from her very angry sixteen-year-old daughter, who had run away to Los Angeles. Roberts knew that if they didn't find the girl before she hit L.A., it might take months to find her and, when they did, there was no telling what would have happened to her. More than likely she'd be on the streets. Roberts had dedicated his life to finding missing and lost persons. As the years passed the stories had blended together, becoming one hideous human nightmare. He'd been only twenty-three when he'd started this job in 1950. Now he was sixty-eight, three years over retirement 103

Catherine Lanigan age, but he was the best in his field@ and the force would keep him as long as he wanted to stay on. In the beginning Roberts had believed he was doing the altruistic "right" thing in bringing runaways back home. Now he knew better. People ran away from pain, from intolerable situations, and from lives they could no longer control. Susan Kidd was run- ning from a husband who beat her. She was afraid, and yet he knew that she, like all the others, was courageous and, yes, a bit foolhardy, to risk everything she had to find a new life. Roberts thought that eventually they would find Susan, though people often managed to stay lost. He'd learned over twenty years ago that simply bringing people back home wasn't the answer. The home had to change and until it did, Roberts knew he couldn't justify his place on this earth if he didn't spend as much time with the abusers as he did hunting the abused. 104 Chapter Elevew Orleans Beaulieu was sitting on the back porch in a wicker rockchair under a ceiling fan, dressed in white summer slacks a soft yellow golf shirt that set off his tanned, handsome when Effie, the maid, announced Lieutenant Roberts's val. At fifty-five Bart was still athletically built, due to his rday golf games and the Sunday tennis matches on his courts. Roberts shook Bart's hand. "'Ibank you for honoring my est to come out here. It's just that ... well, Mrs. Beaulieu I would rather not have our family's business discussed front of strangers." ."It's not a problem," Roberts replied, already feeling cky in his armpits-and it wasn't from the heat. "Won't you please sit down, Lieutenant?" Bart motioned a black-and-white-striped, canvas-cushioned wicker chair 105

Catherine Lanigan next to the rocker. "Perhaps Effie could bring you some iced tea." "That'd be fine." Roberts sat in the chair directly under the rotating fan. "Will Mrs. Beaulieu be joining us?" "She's been indisposed since Susan ... this incident. She may join us later." "It's important that I have her input also. I could come back..." i'very well, if it's that important." "Yes, it is." "When Effie returns with our tea I'll have her bring Annette down." Lieutenant Roberts nodded. Bart crossed his legs and leaned toward Roberts. "What can you tell me about my daughter's disappearance?" Bart asked sincerely. "Not much more than you already know, I'm afraid. I wanted this meeting with you so I could draw a more accurate picture of Susan and her life." "What on earth for?" Bart's silver eyebrow lifted in surprise. Just then the maid returned with tall, cut-crystal glasses of iced tea decorated with paper-thin lemon rings and sprigs of fresh mint. Roberts drank deeply of the refreshing, perfectly sweetened tea. "That's the best tea I've had in years." He smiled at the maid. "Could you ask Mrs. Beaulieu to join us, please? And when you return bring us the pitcher of tea for Lieutenant Roberts," Bart requested as he turned back to the policeman. "As I was saying ... In cases like this anything you can tell me will be of value. The more I know about Susan and Robbie, the better I'll be able to solve this case." "Of course. I'll do anything. I just want my little girl back." Roberts took a small notebook and pen out of his shirt 106 Deconting When he pulled back the cover he noticed that the "IN7 ,J:Ipges were damp from his own perspiration. He glanced up Bart, who still looked as if he were cool as ice. Roberts jotted down the words little girl. t are you writing? I haven't said anything yet." 9C "Oh, I'm just making note that you have agreed to coop- Legalities. You can never be too careful." Bart smiled knowingly. "I understand." I doubt it, Roberts thought to himself nnette Beaulieu walked through the French Just then A doors. She was a stunningly beautiful blue-eyed woman with @.Cool, aristocratic bones and an elegant carriage. She looked e be in h r late forties. Annette wore her silvery blond hair a if, y executed French twist with a tiny wisp of bangs pe ectl s her smooth forehead. She was dressed in a sheer silk -skirted

floral dress in turquoise and blue, and there were teful pearls set in gold mountings on her ears and an exsive gold rope around her neck. Roberts thought he was seeing an angel. She walked across the porch, sat in a chair next to her sband, and took the glass of tea the maid offered her. F gh she wore concern on her face, she wasn't as indis- ed as Bart had led the lieutenant to believe. Roberts had n expecting a highly distraught woman with puffy eyes ,4nd shaking hands. This woman looked to be none of those ngs. "I hope you're feeling better, my dear," Bart said, patting "Annette's hand. "Somewhat." She tossed him the concession. She turned Roberts, ignoring the adoration in his eyes. "Do I under- ,'stand correctly that you have news of Susan?" "Yes, ma'am. We've received a report that from New Orans she went to Baton Rouge. She was spotted on the side of Highway 12 by a state trooper. She had been sleeping in 1er car, and the trooper told her to leave." 107

Cattierine Lanigan "Why did he do that? Why didn't he tell her to come home?" "Mrs. Beaulieu, ma'am, at that time there had been no missing person's report. Had the officer not asked her to move on she could have been in danger. For a woman to be all alone like that on the side of the road ... Well, ma'am, she's damn lucky that trooper didn't find her dead." "Oh, God." Annette's hand fluttered to her throat. Suddenly she lost her composure. The calm on her face shattered in an instant. "Why would Susan do this to us?" "Do what, maam?" Roberts made another note. 41Put us through all this. Surely she knew we would worry. Surely she knows we're waiting for a phone call, anything from her. What is the matter with that girl? My God, didn't I raise her with better manners than this?" Annette's eyes flew from Roberts to Bart and back to Roberts again. Roberts shook his head. "I seriously doubt you have crossed her mind once in the past several weeks. Perhaps even nionths.11 "What are you saying?" Annette's voice was strained. Bart was indignant. "We're her family." Roberts's old, cynical eyes took in a great deal as he watched the reactions between Bart and Annette. "The state trooper who found her stated that she'd been badly beaten." Annette covered her face with her hands. Her entire body was shaking. "God, this isn't happening. Not to my baby..." she shrieked. "Effie!" Bart yelled for the maid. "Effie, hurry." The maid came rushing onto the porch. "Take Mrs. Beaulieu upstairs and get her another Valium." Bart helped Annette out of her chair and handed her over to Effie's care. "You'll be fine, my dear. I'll finish with Lieutenant Roberts and then I'll be up to see you." 108 Becoming soon 'die two women left, Bart turned back to Rob- as "Is this true?" K, 11Y es, sir." .4-men my son-in-law's postulation that Susan and Robbie abducted is erroneous." .."'Then how did Susan ... T' Bart didn't want to continue. couldn't think these things. He didn't want to know thesegs. Wife beating was something that happened to back- girls who had the misfortune to hook up with dulled bayou boys. Such things didn't happen to decent girls good New Orleanian homes. Such things didn't happen his daughter. "Her husband beat her, Mr. Beaulieu. If she ran this time, s my bet it's happened before. I don't know how many s ... "'Annette had heard some malicious gossip about Susan, t we talked about it.... We decided it wasn't true." V I: "It doesn't matter what you discussed, Mr. Beaulieu. Susan as beaten by her husband; I'll stake my

job on it. I've seen s kind of thing a thousand times over the years. Girls from homes., respectable families ... girls from not-so-good es. The stories are different, but the patterns are the ,,-Aame. "Susan?" Bart Beaulieu was in shock. "When did you hear these rumors, sir?" "Susan. .." Bart looked out over the meticulous gardens here red and yellow hibiscus and orange daylilies bloomed profusion. "January." As the lieutenant made notes, Bart Beaulieu's eyes traveled t the gardens to the tennis court where he'd taught Susan play when she was eight years old. "I'll never get the hang of this, Daddy, " Susan said after issing her ninth serve. She was dressed in a white pleated 109

Cadwrine, Lanigan tennis skirt and a white blouse, and she wore her long blend hair in a thick braid down her back She looked like Annette had at this age, Bart often remarked to friends; he and Anneue had grown up together. "We aren't going to quit until you return at least one of my serves. I won't have it be said that my daughter is a quitter, " 11014 all tight!" The ball bounced into the front courl on Susan's side. She swung at it with her forehand and sent it smashing over the net. Susan's eyes were as big as saucers. "Did you see that, Daddy? I did it! I did it!" Bart junWd over the net, picked up his daughter, and twirled her up and onto his shoulder. "I knew you could do it, Susan. You're my daughter!" "That's right, Daddy. " She leaned down and kissed the top of his head They marched to the porch, where Annette was watching them in the shade. Annette Wked cool and elegant, as always. "It's very importantfor you to learn to play tennis well, dear, " Annette said :'Why is that, Mummy?" 'As you get older, you must fit in with all the other young people in our crowd, and everyone plays tennis and golf And it's very important that you be accepted, dear. Very important, indeed " "That's right. ftat you do and say; how you conduct yourself is a direct reflection upon us and the Beaulieu name. You must always remember my good reputation in this city and never do anything that would jeopardize my standing. You do understand, don't you, Susan?" "I think so. " Annette touched her cheek "You want Daddy and me to always be proud of you, don't you?" 110 Becoming "Yes, of course. you will always do the proper thing, won't you?" "Oh, yes, Mummy. Yes. Ban Beaulieu knew why Susan hadn't told them anything her problems with Jim. He knew why she had disapfrom their lives without a note or call. He knew why might never bear from their only child again, and he had one to blame but himself "I . . . I didn't know . . . " Bart was saying as he looked k at the revealing spectres of the past on the tennis court. Lieutenant Roberts nodded his head sadly. "I know, sir." "I liked Jim ... from the very beginning. Actually, never was too late by the time she brought him home. She was ady pregnant. She was only eighteen at the time, had only in college two months. I guess she trusted him too ch." "That happens, sir. Bart's eyes were cold, distant, and vengeful when he back at Lieutenant Roberts.

"Not to my daughter it 't. Once maybe. But not twice." "Mr. Beaulieu, we'll do everything we can to find your ghter." Bart tried to control the rage he felt toward Jim Kidd, but ,'the struggle was nearly too much for him. "Tell me, Lieunant Roberts. If you find her, what will happen to her?" "That's up to Susan. She can file for divorce. She could back to him; that happens more than you'd want to know. 71bey'll have to work out their differences-" "The son of a bitch beat my daughter and you think I'm ing to let her work out her differences?" "You may not have much say in the matter, sir. It is Susan's life." "Well, she's not doing very well with it, is she?" Roberts dropped his head to his notepad and scribbled more

Catherine Lanigan words onto the page. He closed the notepad and put it back into his shirt pocket. "I think she's doing the best she can right now, sir." Angrily, Bart shoved his hands into his pockets. "I have to be going, sir." Bart didn't move. Roberts began walking back into the house to the hall and the front door. Suddenly Bart stiffed and called after the officer. "Do me a favor, Lieutenant Roberts?" "'VAat's that?" "Leave Susan be." "I'd like to. Let's just pray she hasn't crossed the state line." 111"Y's that?" "We'd have to call in the feds, because then Susan would be guilty of kidnapping her own son. Mr. Kidd could have her put in prison. The feds don't let up, Mr. Beaulieu ... ever." Roberts turned around and let himself out the front door, closing it quietly behind him. Bart Beaulieu felt as if the earth had opened up and swallowed him. He sank back into his chair with a thud. "Susan . * * my baby.... This is all my fault. My fault ... " Bart had never had an occasion in his life to cry, but today he did, and he didn't care who saw his tears. 112 Chapter Twelve This is the last time I can do this for you, Star," Sandra d as she handed Susan an envelope filled with two weeks' in cash. in -,Aun I fired?" Susan's voice was fearless, but her i sides It rockySandra's placid face ebbed into concern. "Aren't You ,,ia@py here?" "Yes. In fact, I find I'm enjoying myself more than I'd Aought I would." "Then there's no real problem. What I meant was that I @vanlt pay you in cash anymore. You'll need to apply for a -Texas state driver's license, and then next week I'll start tak- @,'jng out taxes and Social Security. You won't have as much e-home pay, of course, but the benefits will be better." Susan stared at her employer. "You're not serious. . "My accountant tells me this could be a potentially very ;.serious situation. I hate doing this to you so soon, you trying ',to get on your feet and all, but it can't be helped." 113

Catherine Lanigan Susan didn't want to be forced into any further explanations of any kind. "It's okay, really. I'll have all the proper identification on Monday. How would that be?" Sandra was smiling more easily now. "Great. This helps me out a great deal." Sandra waited silently as two girls dressed in company uniforms came into the office, collected their paychecks, and left. "Look, Star, or whatever your real name is-" "It really is Star." "I know you're on the run from something or somebody and, frankly, I don't want to hear a single word of your story. What I also don't want is any kind of trouble with the federal government. My company is watched a bit more closely than would be normal for most because this is a maid service, and Mexican girls seem to pick this kind of work before they even cross the border. This city is a mecca for aliens. I screen my girls fairly well, and I can tell when they're lying to me. Just like I know that you're lying." Susan began sputtering her protests to the contrary, but Sandra held up her hand to stop her. "Don't worry about it. It goes no further than here. I put the word out long ago that if a girl came to me, she had to be clean. At least she had to show me a green card and some ID. Then, if the feds have a problem, I'm out of the picture. Do you understand that?" "Absolutely." "Good." Sandra was smiling. "I'm sure it's just that you've been really busy since your arrival and with work and moving; you haven't had a chance to get to the license bureau." "That's right. I've been very disorganized." "Monday, then?" Sandra asked. "Fine," Susan assured her cheerily. "Good. See you then," Sandra said, dismissing Susan. Susan walked toward the car where Micaela was sitting 114 Becoming the.air conditioner running while she filled out her bank it Shp and endorsed her paycheck. ,@isusan swallowed hard, trying to remain calm at the thought FBI men looking for her. She had wanted to protect herself Robbie, not run them down danger's alley. However un- ly, she had done just that. She had to protect Robbie all costs. There was nothing she wouldn't do for him. Noth- 'Susan got into the car and Micaela, smiled. "Mind if we ank?" at my b, "Not at all. In fact, I think I'll see about getting an account if.- Micaela said. Micaela drove to a bank near the apartments and parked car, and the two women went through the glass doors to busy lobby. While Micaela stood in line to deposit her c Susan inquired of one of the secretaries in the new ounts, section what was required to open a checking ac- A green@eyed young woman dressed in a colorful print s smiled at Susan as she answered, "The usual. Texas

ver's license or some picture ID, Social Security Number, a minimum of a two-hundred-dollar deposit. Would you to open an account today?" "Not today. I'm in a hurry, but I'll be back next week," lied to the secretary. Susan turned around and watched as Micaela walked away the teller's window with her deposit slip. It was such an ordinary procedure, Susan thought, depos- money in a bank account. A simple task she'd undera thousand times in her life. And now, Susan thought, 'd never envied anyone as much as she did Micaela. mehow, some way, she had to reinvent herself legally. .,:,.As they drove home, Susan glumly looked out the window the stream of fast-food restaurants, clothing stores, book- 115

Cadierine Lanigan stories, quick-stop markets, and print shops. Susan's head spun around as they stopped at a red light. Not ten yards behind them was a print shop with a huge sign in the window that read PASSPORT AND ID PHOTOS TAKEN HERE. "Could we go around the comer and go back to that print shop over there?" Susan asked a bit anxiously. "Sure. What do you need?" Micaela asked. "I won't take but a few minutes." Susan was nearly sitting on the edge of her seat. This was her lucky day! And to think she'd nearly missed seeing that sign. She didn't need a driver's license; she just needed a photo ID. Why hadn't she thought of that before? As Micaela stopped the car, Susan quickly undid her seat belt and dashed out the door. Inside the shop a dozen copiers, printing machines, and telephones created an ear-splitting cacophony. Had Robbie been with her, he would have thrown his hands over his ears, Susan thought. A young dark-haired man wearing an Astros baseball cap and NO FEAR T-shirt and jeans finished taking a telephone order. "Howdy. What can I help you with today?" "I'd like a photo ID.- "Sure." The young man took out his order pad and pulled a pencil from behind his ear. "Name and all the particulars first." "Star Kaiser." Susan gave him her name, address, the telephone number to the complex, and her false Social Security Number. "Could I see your card?" "What card?" "Social Security card. And I'll need your birth certificate, Susan felt her stomach turn into knots and her face flush crimson. She smiled wanly and pretended to look in her purse. "Just a minute." She searched through cosmetics, gum wrap- 116 Becoming and her key to, the apartment. "How silly of me." Her fell from her face. The young man tapped the pencil on his pad impatiently. must have left them in my other purse," she said apol- Y. "Sure He stuck the pencil behind his ear. 'I'll just have to come back," she said, shrugging her ders. 'That, s okay. Just remember we're closed Thursday." Susan stared at him blankly. .4 The Fourth of July?" He looked at her as if she were in outer space. Susan had never felt more alien in her life. "Right. I'll r that." Idiot. Imbecile. How dumb could she be? Of course they want a birth certificate. Susan got into the car. "What's the matter with you?" Micaela asked as they Bed out of the parking lot.

"I wanted to get an U) card and I forgot my birth certificate all." -F it or don't have one?" orgot Susan remained silent. esus! What did you think you were doing, buying an ID et?" "I guess," Susan said flatly, folding her arms defensively her chest. "Look, I already feel stupid enough without r input." "Sorry; I didn't mean it the way it sounded. I only wanted help. Really." Micaela patted her arm lightly. "You're ly in a bind, aren't you?" "I didn't realize how much. Sandra told me I had to have driver's license and my Social Security card by next payY. "I thought I told you myself that all the girls have to be @,able to drive, in case somebody is out sick."

Catherine Lanigan "You did. I guess I didn't want to hear it. But I'm hewing it now," Susan said. They drove into the complex and parked the car. Just as Susan opened her car door, Micaela grabbed her arm and pulled her back in. "Look, I can't promise anything, but let me see what I can do about helping you out." "How could you possibily help?" "Trust me and don't say anything to anyone yet- Okay?" "Okay." Susan shrugged her shoulders, not understanding Micaela in the least. Susan went around to the meeting room, where she usually found Robbie watching the other children, but today he was nowhere in sight. Panic riddled Susan like a barrage of bullets as she looked from child to child. Her eyes couldn't scan the room fast enough. Where was Robbie? Was he hurt? Had Jim found him and taken him away? Susan felt her blood turn icy cold. "Max ... ?" Fear sucked the air out of her lungs as she barely breathed out his name. Toni Carnello blew a lock of hair off her sweaty forehead as she hoisted a screaming two-year-old into her arms. "Max isn't here, Star. He's with Andie, helping with the decorations for the party. He told me he had your approval." "I almost forgot! He's been telling me about everything they were going to do," she replied, pretending her heart wasn't making that banging sound in her ears. Toni sensed Susan's alarm. "It is all right, isn't it? If you had some objections, I wouldn't have let him go. I know how protective we have to be these days.. . " Susan tried to smile to reassure a now very worried Toni, but it felt as if her lips were made of plaster. "It's okay. I just forgot is all." Toni expelled a sigh of relief. "They should be back from shopping. If they weren't out by the pool, they must be in her office." 118 Becoming ir,@`1'11 look for him there," ,@,"Susan walked away from the meeting room, realizing how on edge she was. In the past Susan had never used a Y-sitter she hadn't known nearly all her life. She remem- going to Camilla Brighton's house when Robbie was or five, and often he would be outside playing when he Id be getting ready to leave; she'd never thought a thing t it. There had been times when heir mother had picked Robbie from his preschool without Susan's knowledge, iming she'd left a message on the answering machine, or she'd discussed the arrangement with Susan but she had otten. Susan had thought more of the fact that either her was getting senile or that she was as "zoned out," as had often accused her of being, but she had never pan- as she had today when she hadn't seen Robbie in the in.

For the first time Susan became keenly aware of the razor's e she was riding. For a brief period she had been lulled a feeling of euphoria over the fact that she was ftee of im. The ultimatum from Sandra about the driver's license then the incident at the print shop had put her life into arp relief Life outside her old milieu was teeming with tfalls and dangers, and she couldn't help wondering if the protection she'd always felt had been nothing more an illusion. Robbie's blond hair glistened in the July sun as he bent ver a long row of clay pots. Each was filled nearly to the rn with sand, out of which stood three multicolored taper ed andles. Susan watched as Robbie went to a basket fill with ch candles and carefully considered his color selections. aking certain he wasn't duplicating his colors, he would three candles and then ram them as hard as he could into e sand. Susan thought it a wonder he didn't break the canAles, but they were, mercifully, just fine. "Max!" Susan waved as she approached. 119

Catherine Lanigan He stood and yelled back, "Hi, Mom! Come look what T did for the party." As Susan entered the pool area, she chided herself for her earlier misgivings. He's okay. He's okay. -She felt herself become calm. I Robbie hugged her close when she bent down to him. When he kissed her cheek the inside of her mouth tingled, just the way it had when he'd been a baby and given her slobbery half licks and half kisses. Robbie was immune to his mother's inusings and quickly turned back to his handiwork. "I have to go back and pat the sand around each one, Andie said, to make sure they don't fall down." Robbie squatted next to the newest pot and tamped the sand with his little palm. He screwed his head half around on his shoulders in a way that only children seemed. able to do, and said, "Do you think it's okay that I used all these pretty colors?" "I think it's lovely. V@Fhy? Don't you like them?" "The other kids said I had to do them in red, white, and blue." "Oh." Susan smiled at his intense concern over the correctness of his task. "Did you ask Andie what her color scheme was going to be?" "She already told me: red, white, and blue. But I thought that was kinda boring." "Robb ... Max. If the hostess has planned on a patriotic theme, don't you think you should do it her way?" Robbie looked in the basket at the dearth of red, white, and blue candles that remained. "She gave me all these . . . " He looked down at the fuchsia, purple, and royal blue candles in his hand. "It would be a shame not to use them." He looked up at Susan with eyes needing to be filled with acceptance. "I agree. Maybe I could work with you and Andie, and together we could blend everything together." "That would be great, Mom!" 120 V, Becoming then Andie came down the winding pathway, her arm with flags; poles; red, white, and blue windsocks; c streamers, and cardboard cutouts of Uncle Sam and Statue of Liberty. Andie took one look at the pots Robbie finished and stopped dead in her tracks. think this is going to be harder than we thought," Susan to Robbie. We gl d down longingly at his handiwork and meny said g-bye to his ideas. ndie. walked fo ard, never taking her eyes from the pots. looked like a one-man Fourth of July parade to Robbie, down as she was. "Let me help you," Susan offered and took the streamers flags from Andie. When she did she realized that every- was sun-faded. Andie had used these decorations many, times. These were Andie's familiar treasures, Susan ught. The last thing Susan had wanted was a confrontation sentiment.

I thought"-Andie looked at Susan and then to ie's anticipation-filled eyes--that we were doing red, te, and blue." Robbie didn't understand why his mother had shifted her y to Andie, nor why Andie kept staring at his pots confusion knitting her brow. If she didn't like diem, why 't she just say so? He would remake them for her, but he would'have his say. "I liked the happy colors better." "Happy?" Andie blinked slowly. "Yeah. I thought it was a party-" 6'h is." Andie put her aged decorations on one of the .se,longues. "I like it." "What?" "You do?" Robbie was surprised. He watched as a bright *1e formed on Andie's face. "You do!" Andie looked- at Robbie. "The Fourth of July has always n my favorite holiday. Some people like Christmas or 121

Catherine Lanigan maybe. Easter the best. For me it was the Fourth. Picnics, fireworks, barbeque, bands playing, parades, and lots of flags and balloons. What could be more festive? Every year I plan and put on this party for myself. I decorate the pool area and buy the watermelons, sparklers for the kids, and the ice cream for late at night when we can watch the stars here by the pool. Everybody in the complex has always chipped in, bringing all their grills, and we potluck everything. But I can tell by looking at my decorations here that I've let myself get stale. It's time we livened up the place. Try something different. Yes, that's the thing. This year we'll surprise everyone. What do you say?" "All right!" Robbie shouted and high-fived Andie. "We can still use the red-and-white-checked tablecloths. It doesn't cost anything to switch to multicolored balloons. And the fireworks are already multicolored. It'll look like a festival." "A happy festival," Andie said as she hugged Robbie by scrunching his shoulders together. "Thanks, Max, for helping me to change." Robbie smiled up at his new friend. "You're welcome." In all their different guises, holidays were always a time for reflection for Susan. As she sat by the pool watching Robbie swim laps that Fourth of July, she laid her head back and let the sun bathe her face. Someone's portable radio was turned up and the words to a sad song wafted across the pool and hit the chords of Susan's heart with stunning accuracy. She hadn't planned or wanted the tears that filled her eyes, and she especially hadn't asked for the memory that made her heart bleed. Susan had brought her grandmother's wedding ring quilt for them to sit on while they waited and watched for the fireworks display over Lake Pontchartrain. Jim had sprayed them both with insect repellent, opened 122 Becoming cooler, handed Susan a can of soda, and opened a ,for himself. Seldom in her life with Jim had he ever of his own family, except to say that his parents were but on that night he seemed to be caught between the ght and earth. He kept his focus on the heavens, osly to catch the first of the fireworks, but now that Susan upon it, she realized he was in a world of his own. "I've never seen real fireworks,

he said musingly.

"Aw, cmon. Everybody has been to the fireworks," she ed, and punched his arm in a lighthearted manner. "I haven't. I never did anything as a kid that most kids I always had to work an was intrigued. "Doing what?" "Cows. I milked 'em, herded 'em, branded 'em, castrated I hated it. I can still smell their searedflesh and hear groan and scream in that way only cattle can when one has tortured them, I could never understand the purof it all.

parents were ranchers?" "Yes. " Jim kept his eyes on the stars. "I remember nights ilar to this, only the stars are brighter in Wyoming. Maybe because there were no city lights to steal their glow. We to sit around huge bonfires and watch the sky, and the was so clean and crisp, you could crack it with your "Sou,7ds wonderful. "I hated it. Susan touched his neck. He flinched, as if she'd burned She immediately pulled her hand away, but he kept starat the stars. "Why did you hate it, Jim?" "I hated being poor. I loved the land, though. Id like to 123

Cath,erine Lanigan go back someday, but not until I'm rich. Filthy, stinking rich, I want to own it all. " "And if you did... own it all, I mean. What would it be like then?" "It would make everything all right Susan was too young at the time to travel into the inner labyrinths of Jim's world. She only knew that something back there in his past had hurt him, because she couldJeel his pain and hear it in his voice. Gingerly, she touched the hair at his temple. This time he didn't flinch. "! love you, Jim. "Do you really?" His voice held surprise, even suspicion. "Yes, I do. With all my heart. III find that hard to believe. "But, Jim, we're married. Of course I love you. You love me, don't you?" "As much as I'm able, darlin'. As much as I'm able. Suddenly he turned to her just as the first of it s-eeties of resplendent fireworks filled the sky with shimmering light. He grabbed her by the shoulders and pulled her to his chest. "You do love me, don't you? Don't you? Promise me you'll never leave me. Promise me we'll be happy and always be together. " "Of course I promise. He'd kissed her then, ravaging her lips with his, plunging his tongue into the interior of her mouth, claiming her as his possession, and she'd allowed him to do it. There was desperation in his kisses, and Susan had welcomed the excitement of it all. Though she had already home him a son, it was on that night that she had opened her heart to Jim and let him in. Too easily, Susan remembered what it was like in those early days, to lie in Jim's arms, to have him love her. She remembered the excitement he brought to her life, the extrav- 124 Becoming flowers on her birthday and dinner at an expensive rest when they could barely pay the telephone bill. She that in his own way he'd made her breathe life her lungs and experience emotions she'd never dreamed song continued to play. Chills covered Susan's body, gb she baked in the hot sun. t that moment Susan wanted to hold Jim ... just one time, but only in the way that it had been in her memSusan had fallen in love with the hurt and frightened boy who lived deep inside Jim. It was that boy she ted to care for, guide, and help. It was he who pulled her to Jim when she'd thought to leave him years ago. It he who made her smile and who made her feel guilty. streamed down her cheeks as she remembered the love 'd given Jim; a love

she could never have with him again ause he was no longer the same person. The song ended and the deejay began advertising a special a set of radial tires. Susan instantly sat up, wiped her tears the palm of her hand, and looked across the pool for ie. She waved to him and he waved back. This is how it happens, she thought to herself. It's been ly a month since I left. Time enough to dispel the ankiety running away. Time enough to miss someone ... or the they used to be. These feelings ... they're the culprits make women go back to the men who abuse them. 125

-A __ Parly * Chaple-r I Virteen A16 Angels roamed the netherworld, Susan knew, and that was why she paid no attention to the voice that said, "I want to help you-" It's just a dream, she told herself. But the voice persisted, and as it did it took on the character of Micaela's voice. "Star, I want to help you." Micaela finally nudged Susan's arm as she slept by the pool. Susan opened her eyes and glanced around her to get her bearings. Not a minute ago she would have vowed she had been with Jim. "Sorry; I guess I fell asleep." "Andie said she'd keep an eye on Max for you while we go up to my apartment." Susan looked to the pool and found no sign of Robbie. Still a bit disoriented, she quickly sat up, and then she saw Robbie with Andie, both loading ears of corn onto the grill of a huge oil-drum cooker. She looked back to Micaela. "Help me with what?" 126 Recoming Micaela replied and motioned for Sum to follow Susan rose and waved to Robbie, but he was busily chatting 'th Andie and didn't notice his mother's departure. He was probably telling her just how to roast the corn. Pre- in sugared ice water for an hour before roasting. Place medium-heated coals. A quarter turn every fifteen minutes, an could almost hear him saying. Susan caught up with Micaela on the winding path that led the staircase to Micaela's apartment. "Why are you being mysterious?" Susan asked bluntly. Micaela inserted her key in the door and looked at Susan, iving her a quick shake of her head. "Come in." Susan entered the apartment and Micaela quickly shut the r behind them. "Luis thinks he can help you get your driver's license." Susan laughed lightly. "How on earth could Luis do that?" Micaela pulled up her shoulders and looked at Susan as if e were the dumbest woman on earth. "Luis does this for a ng." Susan stared at Micaela blankly for a full half minute. h myyy God!" Susan's hands flew to her cheeks and eyes opened round and wide in surprise. "He's a forger?" It was Micaela's turn to laugh. "An angel of mercy to those need him." @'Susan instantly untied her bundle of previously set convic- , resorted them according to her new situation, and re- 'zed that Micaela spoke the truth. "He is an angel! And so you!" Susan threw her arms around Micaela. "I never ght I would break the law so willingly." "As they say, 'A time and a place for everything.' Just then Luis walked out of the "office" bedroom. Smil- he shook Susan's hand.

"How you doin'?" "Fine," she replied hesitantly. Suddenly the import of s's occupation hit her full force. "Thank you for helping 127

Catherine LAnigan me, Luis... but do you mind me asking ... isn't thisdangerous for you?" "Si. It can be. So far I have been able to outthink de police." lie tapped his temple with his forefinger and winked at her. "However, I think that de people from Mexico need me very much. You are my first gringa." They all laughed, and then Luis ushered Susan into his office. Susan was stunned at the computers, file cabinets, Fax machine, laminating machine, cutters, and racks of forms that met her eyes. "It takes all this?" . 'Si and very much more." "But it all fits in the van when we feel we need to move on," Micaela said. "Well, I guess I'll start my salsa for the barbeque tonight while you two get to work." Micaela shut the door and left Susan with Luis. Luis sat down on a swivel stool that was perched atop a slick sheet of plastic that enabled him to roll from computer to file cabinet and then over to the laminating machine. He turned on the computer and pulled up a list of names on the screen. "I have to gi@e you a new name." "I can't use Star Kaiser anymore?" Luis's face scrunched into an uncertain grimace. "It be preety hard. But we check it out." He scrolled down the screen and as he did, Susan realized that he was scanning a list of obituaries. These were all dead people's names, and their respective Social Security Numbers. "It must have taken you a long time to compile this list." "Naa. I been stealin' them for a long time." "How?" Susan asked. "First I take de names from de newspaper. Den I get num- bers from de state office. Sometimes from de driver's license bureau or de marriage bureau or hall of records. Depends. Each county is different." "How do you get the Social Security Numbers?" 128 Becoming Vat's what I been tellin' you. @ I use de computer. See? h. I show you." pressed some buttons on his keyboard. "Where you "In ... in New Orleans." Susan was uncertain whether she tell him the truth, but she decided Luis was in more ble with the law than she would ever be. Luis's fingers flew across his keyboard. "Name?" "Susan Beaulieu," she replied, and then spelled it out for "Daughter of Bart and Annette, if that helps."

"Si " Luis continued punching keys. Suddenly, before her eyes, Susan saw her name, her birth number, her Social Security Number, all the inforregarding her marital status and date of marriage, and n the screen scrolled down further and she saw information ut Robbie and his birth appear. "God, that's frightening!" "Si. I know! But wonderful. No?" "That's my whole life ... reduced to numbers and dates, what's worse, they're available to anyone." "No! That not true! Not anyone. Only to smart people like I am de best at my job! It take me years ... years to all dis computer crap," Luis replied indignantly. "I'm sorry, Luis. I didn't mean it to sound the way it did. Is just a shock, that's all." "Sure. Sure." Luis banged away on the keys. "Now. We give you a new name." "I'd like to keep this one. I'm kind of getting used to it and I like it." Luis shook his head so hard that the crucifix and St. Chris- r medal that hung around his neck clanged together. 'Weemen.Susan indulged his petulance, but she stood firm on her "Dere is no Kaiser I can use. Eet can be much easier if 129

Catherine Lanigan you change your name now. See? Very simple. We take de name of this dead person, I put it on one of dees forms," Luis rolled the stool over to his filing cabinet and withdrew a Texas State driver's license application that looked to Susan like the real thing. "I retype dis information on de form. Laminate. And done." He expelled a huge sigh of exasperation. "But no. You gotta have dis name you like. So, here's what we gonna do." Luis rolled over to another filing cabinet and withdrew a marriage certificate form. He pulled out a caligraphy pen, filled it with black ink, and set it down. Then out of a second drawer in the filing cabinet he retrieved an original marriage certificate. "What day you like?" "Day?" "To get married on. How many days you been married to..." Luis thought for a moment. "Bob Kaiser. Dat okay'?" "Okay.,, Luis held up a warning finger. "Can't be more dan sixty days, in Texas. You gotta get your name changed on de license in sixty days." "Okay. June seventh, 1996." Susan used the day she'd left Jim as her wedding date. Luis carefully wrote down the date. "Star what?" "Huh?" "Last name ... before you marry Bob." "Sloan." Luis grimaced as he wrote it down. "I like Kaiser better, too." Luis finished filling out the bogus marriage certificate and then handed it to Susan. "Okay. On Tuesday you take dis to the license bureau. You tell them you wanna get your license transferred to Texas. You tell dem you got new address and new name." "But I don't have an old license." "Ali!" His eyes twinkled merrily as he spun his stool around and zipped first to the file cabinet to withdraw a form. 130 Becoming Y, he went back to the computer, scrolled a sea of SoSecurity Numbers in front of him and wrote one of them wn. Then he went to the typewriter and rolled the form into He hit the keys with lightning speed and the accuracy of ne who knows what he is doing. He rolled the finished form the cania and then scooted the stool to the far right side the room, where a huge camera sat on a tripod.

"Stand over there on de mark." He pointed to a white of tape on the carpet. Susan did as she was instructed, thinking how similar this dure was to the real thing. Luis looked through the eye of the camera. Then he looked at Susan. "Part your hair down de middle." "Why?" "So you look younger. Dis has to look like old license." Susan used her fingers to part her hair. She smiled. "Don't smile!" Luis commanded as he shot the picture. Luis pulled out the film and left the room. "Be right back," said and crossed the hall to the bathroom. When he'entered the office again after fifteen minutes he a finished passport-type photograph in his hand. He immed the edges of the photo with a pair of scissors and ully pasted it to the phony driver's license forni. Then rolled his stool over to the laminating machine and lamid the license. took the license and with a razor peeled two of the es of the lamination back. Then he took the license and it into the dirt of a potted fern that sat next to his puter. He banged the card on the desk several times and some scratches in the laminate with a steel brush. He ded it to Susan. "It looks real! Definitely used-looking, as it should be." "I do good work," Luis said proudly, crossing his arms er his chest. "You certainly do." 131

Catherine, Dinigan "Now, take it to the bureau. They will take de old card, give you a new temporary license once they see the marriage certificate. You don't need proof of address. Jus' tell 'em. Make sure you go at eleven-thirty. Noon is too late. Everybody tinks dey go at eleven to avoid de rush and that ees de rush. Then all the peoples are super busy. Dey jus' want to get through with de work. Dey don' look so close. Okay?" 'Ibs will work?" 'Ism ting.11 "I can't thank you enough, Luis. How much do I owe you for all this?" "Micaela took care of eet." He smiled broadly at her. "She shouldn't have done that." Luis opened the door for Susan. "Eet is my pleasure, believe me." Luis remained in the office while Susan went to the kitchen to visit with Micaela. Micaela was still chopping fresh tomatoes.. "He got you all fixed up?" "Yes, and I can't thank you enpugh. Micaela, he told me that you're paying for this. I can't let you do that. I'll repay you.,, Micaela's smile was just as enigmatic as Luis's had been. She waved Susan's protests away as she went to the refrigerator and pulled out a plastic bag filled with fresh jalepeflos. "Keep your money. You'll need it. Besides, you can't pay this debt." "Why not?" "I told Luis.. ." Micaela started to laugh as she pulled Susan over and leaned close to her ear. "I told Luis I would..." She finished with a whisper in Susan's ear and laughed uproariously. After Susan replaced her gaping jaw she started laughing along with Micaela. Becoming The next morning Susan arranged with Sandra to take an r off from their first assignment in order to go to the motor icle bureau to get her Texas driver's license. She arrived at eleven-thirty, just as Luis had told her, and enough the Place was swamped. She took her number waited over half an hour to get to the counter but when did the clerk shoved a "change of name,, form at her had her sign it. Susan surrendered her old license@ told m her new address, and agreed to be a total organ donor, T hich was indicated on the back of her temporary card. she sed the vision test, had her picture taken, paid her sixteen llars in cash, and was handed her temporary driver,s lise. The clerk told her to expect her new license in the mail .n six weeks. Susan walked out of the bureau looking at her new license. was filled with the oddest sensation that today she truly a new peesonShe was legally Star Kaiser of Houston, exas. It was a good feeling. 132 133

Chapter Fourteen New Orleans Jim Kidd awoke in a profuse sweat, screaming Susan's name. He bolted to an upright position and immediately reached for his wife, but she wasn't there. He patted and then began slapping the empty bed next to him. He fell onto her side of the bed, and with his fist he banged at the down-filled pillow. "Susan! Susan! Why aren't you here when I need you?" Jim cried. He cried until his sobs settled so deeply in his chest, he was afraid they would become trapped and never escape him. He didn't like being this afraid. He was more than afraid; he was terrified. Susan was gone and she was the only one who could save him, She had always saved him in the past from his nightmares. What had happened that she wasn't there for him now? How could his world change so swiftly, and with such vast-reaching effects, simply because Susan had left? 134 ecmdng w had he come to, depend on her so much? How had he --@Pome to need her? Jim wiped his hand over his perspiring face. He pushed back his tears and opened his eyes. As they accustomed them- ,@'selves to the faint night shadows, he remembered that he'd @'had nightmares as a child. Neither his mother nor his father @@,gver came to his rescue. In fact, they had scolded him all the ore for disturbing their sleep. Most of the time he never told in about his nightmares; he kept the workings of his dream Aife to himself. He didn't want anyone-not his family, the kids, or his ftiends at school-to think he was sissy. He didn't dare tell anyone he was afraid of the dark; .4fiaid of the life his mind conjured up during sleep. Instead Jim stayed awake. He read. He worked connect- and crossword puzzles. He put model airplanes toer beneath his Flintstones-imprinted sheets and bedspread ing a flashlight to see his work. Jim was proud of the noc- al world he kept secret from his parents. Jim got out of bed and went to the bathroom to splash cold Water on his face. Jesus. I haven't thought of those days for rs. Id forgotten all that. Jim didn't like to think of himself as a child. In his mind ,he was an adult-a functioning, productive member oi soci- ,'oty who played by the rules others made so that he could make it to the top. Life was serious business to Jim. He didn't to play with anyone or at anything. He played golf and s solely for the business contacts he could make on the rts or fairways. Jim wiped off his face with a towel. "That's why I don't e Robbie," he said aloud without thinking as he walked ack into the bedroom and sat on the edge of the bed. Chilren ... toys ... playtime. I hated all that stuff as a kid. I hate even more now. Robbie has it too easy. Susan always did by him too much. Jim couldn't tell if the smell of Opium came from his 135

Catherine Lanigan mind's eye or if Susan had just entered the room. "Susaw?" He thought he could nearly see the outline of her form among the night shadows that played on the wall. The drapes were drawn back, leaving only the lace panels covering the window. Moonlight cast a flowered pattern across the floor. Suddenly Jim remembered that Annette and Susan had sewn those lace panels together by hand. At the time Susan had been so proud of her creation, and Jim could have cared less. He was busy. "But, honey, don't you think they're lovely?" Susan had asked him from atop a stepladder as she finger-pleated the last fold. "Sure, sure," he said, not even looking at his wife. He tossed his briefcase on the bed and then immediately went to the closet and routed through his built-in shelves for a sheaf of vitally important papers. "But Jim, I've worked on them all week. Couldn't you at least look at them?" "Eureka!" Jim emerged from the closet with a portfolio, which he held triumphantly over his head. @ "Now this is important!" He tossed the papers in his briefcase and closed it, barely noticing his wife's crestfallen face. "I'm off." Jim raced out the door. On his way down the hall he passed Robbie, who was licking a frozen pushup Popsicle. "Daddy!" Robbie started to throw his sticky hands around Jim's pantleg. "Get away from me!" Jim sidestepped his two-year-old son and darted down the hall. "I'll be late!" he yelled and was gone. The scent of Susan's perfume continued to hang in the air, but Jim realized this, too, was just his imagination. Jim sat on the edge of the bed, wondering why these vi- 136 Becoming sions of the past were coming back to him. Why hadn't he Commented on Susan's work when she'd so obviously needed his approval? Why had he never really looked at these damn curtains until tonight? He rose and went to the window. He touched the fabric. There was something familiar about the curtains. Suddenly he dropped the edge of the curtain and jumped back from the window as if he'd been burned. "I hate those curtains! I hate them! I hate them!" Then, suddenly, the dream he'd been dreaming that night came back to him. The nightmare he'd been pushing down into his subconscious came thundering through a dark tunnel of awareness and into the light. My mother had curtains like this.... He started to reach out to the window again but snatched his hand back. He was shaking and sweating profusely. Suddenly, as if time and space had altered themselves, Jim's

bedroom was transformed to the old farmhouse he'd lived in when he was only five. "Mommy! No!" Jim screamed at the top of his lungs as he raced through the kitchen toward the parlor. "Come back here, you little bastard!" Olga Kidd, a huge, mannish-looking woman, overtook her tiny son in three large steps. With arms the size of hams and thighs twice as large, she scooped Jim up by the nape of his neck. "Don't you ever, ever come into my kitchen tracking dirt in like that. You and that goddamn fool dog of yours are going to get it. I told you and told you..." Olga started swinging her hand to swat Jim on his buttocks. Jim began twisting and struggling to free himse@f "No! No! Don't hurt me!" '771 hurt you all I want. I'm your mother!" As Jim twisted firee ftom his mother's clutches, Olga quickly turned to the top of the battered china cabinet, which held little of value these days. Most of the pretty blue-flowered 137

Catherine Lanigan china was either chipped or at the bottom of a rusted trash barrel, broken over the head of her often drunken husband. Her fat, square-shaped fingers seized a long, thin switch. Jim raced as far as the windows in the living room before the end of the switch caught him around his legs. Hefell into the lace curtains and clutched at them as he screamed in pain at the first lashing. "Mommy! No! Stop!" Jim clung to the curtains, pressing hisface into the white flowered pattern. The second switching drew blood. The third laced the top of his fleshy thighs with a cross pattern. Blood trickled down his leg. "Maybe that will break your spirit!" Olga said as she placed the switch back on top of the china cabinet and left the room, fully satisfied that Jim had paid for his crime of dirtying herfloor. Jim had cried. His eyes were so filled with tears, he could barely see the curtains anymore. His nose ran. He cried some more. He wanted to hurt his mother for what she had done to hint, but she was bigger than he, was. He could do nothing about his situation because he was a still a kid. Jim realized that day that the worst thing in the world was to be a kid. Kids had no power. They had no strength. He couldn't fight back because the whole world was bigger than he was. He couldn't run away because he had no place to go. He wasn't old enough to have a job so he could get money to pay for a train ticket, the way he'd seen his Uncle Lester do when he came to visit from Oregon. From Jim's experience, being a kid meant he had to do chores at four in the morning, helping to milk the cows. He had to clean out the stables in the afternoons while his father, Caleb, sat on the front porch in the shade talking to other farmers. Jim wondered what all there was to talk about. Jim was ordered about by both his mother and his father, and, depending upon their mood, he was beaten, whipped, 138 Becoming or slapped nearly every week of his life until he eight. At the age of eight Jim learned how to play their game. He @:knew to beware of the twitch in Olga's face when she was angry at Caleb; at those times he stayed as far away from the house as possible. When Olga was angry she would vent upon anyone within striking distance. Her rows with Caleb were notorious throughout the county. Olga never covered her black eyes and bruises, but rather wore them like honorariums for all to see. To Olga, attention of any kind, even if it was abuse, was a sign that her husband loved her. At the same time, during Jim's life, he began doing odd jobs around their little town of Four Comers for whomever would hire a little kid. His pay was -usually next to nothing, but he saved all the money, never telling his parents what he was doing or that he was paid. It wasn't until he was ten that his mother discovered at the Methodist Church Memorial Day social that Jim had been working as a stockboy for the local A & P grocery store. Olga was in a rage when she confronted Jim with the truth. She started to go for her switch, but this time Jim was ready for-her. He'd learned a lot in the past five years. He'd- learned how to come and go in his own house with no one knowing. He'd learned that both his parents were alcoholics and that their actions weren't only predictable, but more

easily circumvented than he thought. He'd learned that he had inherited some of his mother's genes; he was the largest boy in his class. Thus, at the age of ten, Jim was the size of most fourteen-year-olds. Jim knew that he was fast on his feet due to a gym instructor at school whose personal preference for track-andfield events had forced Jim to run hurdles and the hundredyard dash. The year before, his parents had paid little attention to the fact that Jim had come in first in every intramural race. 139

CAdwrine Lanigan Jim bounded across the room, jumped to the top of the. china cabinet as if he'd just gone for a basketball layup, grabbed the switch out of his mother's reach, and quickly raised his leg and broke the switch into four small pieces over his knee. "Here!" he said triumphantly. Olga's mouth dropped wide open. "What the hell you doin', boy? " "You will never touch me again. "The hell I won'd I'll do any goddamn thing I want. You're my kid and it's my duty to teach you right from wrong. 11 Jim's eyes were blazing with anger and long-sufferedpain. "I'll walk out of here and you'll never see me again. " Olga pushed herfat arms at the air in front of her. "Aw, shut up! You ain't goin' nowhere. You're a kid. And you'll do as I say. " Jim shook his head "You lay one finger on my body and I'll tell the counselor at school what's been going on he -re all these years. They put kids like me into foster homes. 11C .W to hell. Jim's upper lip curled as he spoke@ "You won't have anyone to do your dirty work anymore if I'm gone. " Jim didn't wait for an answer but left the house immediately, hopping on his bike and riding down the dirt drive to the main road and then the four miles into town to the A & P. It was the first time in his life that Jim felt in control. He vowed that day that he would always remain in control, Always. When Jim was thirteen years old he left home for good, and he never looked back. He went to Des Moines, where he easily passed for sixteen. He worked three jobs to pay for a bedroom in an old Victorian house that had been converted to apartments for Drake University students. He hung out with 140 Becoming guys who bought him all the beer he could drink and him of their dreams of becoming accountants, lawyers, stment bankers, and doctors. He learned to dream their ams and set goals for himself He got a GED, bought a car, and lost his virginity all in the same day when he was eighteen. Jim moved to New Orleans when all his "friends" graduated from college. He never told anyone about his past, and in time he'd learned precisely how to repress every incident that had happened to him before he moved to New Orleans. Once in New Orleans he got a job as a waiter in an oyster bar and began night school. He applied for grants and loans and finally attended Tulane full-time. Since he was thirteen years old Jim had been telling the lie ,,that his parents were dead so many times that it became his truth. He worked night and day at whatever project was facing him. He told himself that he had too much to do, that his work was too important for him to waste time sleeping. Jim could never remember his nightmares, only that he awoke from them in a terrified sweat. Susan knew. She had held him and rocked him and told

him that she loved him. She never knew why he cried out in the night, and she loved him enough never to ask. Jim hated himself for his Weakness. He couldn't allow himself to be vulnerable, because if he did, he would los e control. Losing control was an intolerable sitnation to Jim. Sometimes Jim hated Susan for knowing about his nightmares. Other times he thought he wouldn't be able to live the night through if Susan wasn't there to show him she cared. Jim wanted Susan with him now, to help ease the pain, but she had vanished. Jim told himself that he would learn how to cope with the nights without Susan. He had lived for years without her. He had taught himself how to survive on only a few hours sleep. The only problem with being a night person was that with the night came the booze. 141

Catherine Lanigan Jim had no idea his consumption of alcohol had reached dangerous levels. Just as he'd created, his own denial system about his past, he denied his present. He told Susan that she was "overreacting" when she complained that he drank too much. He didn't remember hitting her the first time, but he'd seen the evidence the next day. He made many excuses for himself, and most of them worked. Jim became incredibly successful at turning away from the truth. However, after all these years Jim's truth was emerging like a sea serpent rising slowly from the depths of the abyss. Now he remembered his nightmare. Both his mind and his body recalled every detail of the day when he'd been sprawled against the white curtains like a criminal tied to a whipping post. It wasn't just a dream. It was real. It was his past. It was his childhood. He had lived it, and now through his dreams and memory he was being forced to live it again and again. It was the worst of all possible hells, because his anguish was within him, and Jim was W-equipped to deal with his demons. Jim's body trembled as he clutched the lace curtains in his bedroom and pressed his face into the fabric. Suddenly he was that little boy again, being switched, bleeding onto the pretty white lace. He was filled with rage at what had been done to him. He was shaking at the enormity of his hatred ... at the ferocity that filled him ... wanting to kill , his mother. He clutched the curtains and pulled, and with the full force of his strength he ripped them out of the wall, rod, brackets, and all. "Ahhhhhhhh! I hate you! I hate you! I hate you...." Jim saw the vision of his mother and Susan blend into one malefic monster. He couldn't discern one from the other and projected his anger against his mother onto Susan. He was powerless. Impotent. He was out of control, and 142 Becoming 't the slightest idea how to right his to find Susan. fell to the floor amid the rubble he the tears of a brokenhearted child. 143

Chapter Fifteen "I could have your badge for this." Captain Michaud stubbed out a cheap cigar into a tin ashtray. He didn't put his hand over his mouth when he started a deep lung-thronling cough. "You've said that before," Lie4tenant Roberts replied quietly. "This time I mean it. First you withhold evidence. Then you withhold information from the family, so that I got them breathing down my neck, too," Captain Michaud growled at his longtime co-worker and friend. "Jesus, Nate. Do you always have to do everything the wrong way?" "I'm not wrong, here, Jess. The rule book is a joke. That's what's wrong." "Aw, Jesus. Are we gonna start that crap again?" Captain Jess Michaud waved both hands dismissively at Lieutenant Roberts. "You know damn well that if I call Mr. Kidd and tell him everything I've found out about his wife, he's gonna go after her and drag her back home. Then the next goddamn phone 144 Becoming get is one sayin" Susan, there, is in the hospital with face smashed to smithereens, that the kid o' hers is apotic, and the family gives me some cockarnamy story that fell down the stairs. Or worse, we get a child abuse case somebody dies .... It makes the papers and you come and tell me ... me, mind you, 'cause it won't be you takes the rap ... that I screwed up." Roberts started pac- "Now, how many times we gotta run through this thing b0fore somebody around here gets the damn picture, Jess? T, --Okay.'' Captain Michaud coughed hard, grabbed his ,,bandkerchief from his back hip pocket, and spit into it before feturning it to his pocket. "Why don't you give up those damn things? They're nna kill you." "Shut up. Look who's talking anyway." Captain Michaud @,grabbed another cigar, tore off the band, looked at it, and then ;,gently laid it back down on the desk. He stared at the cigar, )"wishing he had the guts to quit cold turkey. He started to pick .,up his matches but resisted the temptation. Roberts looked away to the window while his superior composed himself. "I know what you're saying, Nate. But the law isthe law. You have to tell her husband what you've found out when he calls you." "That's just the point. Mr. James Kidd has not called. Her father ... well, that's another story. Half my messages are from him. I told him what I thought he should know." "Which is?" "That we're working on it. That we haven't found her and that I do think she's alive." Captain Michaud looked at the mountain of files on his desk. "Shit. They all have a story, don't they?" I'Yep. They do." Roberts watched as a blue jay settled into a magnolia tree just outside the window. "Some stories 145

Catherine Lanigan are so gruesome they make you sick to your stomach." Jess Michaud regarded his friend with a critical eye. "Is that what's going on here?" Nathanial Roberts looked back at his superior. "Nope. This one breaks my heart." "That's worse." "I know." Nate raised his chin and took a deep breath. "So, am I getting canned or what?" Captain Michaud shook his head and smiled at his friend. "You've been warned. Take my advice and don't get messed up in somebody else's domestic shit." Roberts smiled politely and then placed both his hands on top of the piles of papers on Captain Michaud's desk. He leaned close to Jess's face. "Do you know why these piles on your desk are so high, Jess? Do you know why we've got a rape every four minutes in this town? Drugs? Drive-by shootings, gangs, murder ... all this shit that keeps us pulling our hair out night and day? Because twenty, thu-ty, fortyhell, a hundred years ago, some cop like you told another cop not to get messed up in somebody else's domestic problems. That's why. "I'm past my time here, Jess. I don't care much about what happens to me anymore, but I do care about that young woman out there and her little boy. If you want somebody to play by the rules on this one, go ahead. But by God, if you keep me on this case, I'm doin' it my way. I don't want to change the whole'world, Jess. I just want to make one life a little bit better because I was there." Lieutenant Roberts stood up straight. "What's it gonna be?" Captain Michaud laughed and leaned back in his chair. "Know what your real problem is, Nate?" "No, what?" "You don't think big enough. I do want to change the world." Captain Michaud picked up his cigar, looked at it, 146 Becoming tossed it into the trash can. "Get out of here." didn't waste a second as he closed the office door. ind him. It wasn't until the fourth ring that Lieutenant Roberts cked up his telephone. "Roberts here. "Oh, thank goodness you're there, Lieutenant Roberts," tte Beaulieu said with a great deal of trepidation in her "I've never phoned a police station before and it was perience just getting through to you. I think I've to nearly everyone in your office." "Precinct.11 "Yes, well, I'm not all that familiar with the correctness

my terminology ... 11 "What can I do for you, Mrs. Beaulieu?" "Well, I understand that my husband has been conducting t of the correspondence between you and us, and 1, er, I as hoping that perhaps there was something you could tell about ... Susan." He could hear Annette Beaulieu's heart leap to her throat at the mention of her daughter's name. He knew she was near the breaking point and he wished to hell there was something he could do about it. This is the most ghastly part of my job, he thought to himself. The movies always made it look as if bullet-riddled bodies or a maimed robbery victim were the hardest things to deal with in police work, but that wasn't true. Telling a heartsick parent that all his computers, all the state troopers, cops on the beat, and investigators in the State of Louisiana could not find her daughter and grandson; that was the most difficult thing he had to do. Limbo was torturous geography, but that was exactly where Nate Roberts was directing Annette Beaulieu. "I have nothing more than what I've already told your husband, Mrs. 147

Catherine Lanigan Beaulieu. Susan and Robbie were spotted taking a bus out of Alexandria to Little Rock. We've just gotten in the affidavits from both car dealers, the one where she sold the Taurus in Baton Rouge and now the one in Alexandria. And as I stated to your husband, when she was in Alexandria she purchased a bus ticket to St. Louis." "Do you think Susan would go to St. Louis?" "You tell me. Does she know anyone there?" "Yes. An old college friend, Jamie Wilkins. Bart and I have already called her, but she's heard nothing. We went through Susan's old yearbooks just as you asked." "Did you think of anyone that she might contact?" "Not really, but we did make a few calls." "Any luck?" Annette's deep breath was audible over the phone. "No." Lieutenant Roberts could tell Annette was fighting the tears. "I'm ... we're doing all we can, Mrs. Beaulieu." Annette's voice finally cracked. Lieutenant Roberts felt as if he could hear each tear as it fell. "Well, it isn't enough, Lieutenant, if you don't mind my saying so. I want to know that my daughter is safe. I ... I don't know if she's dead or alive.... I don't know where she is .... I don't know if I'll ever see my grandson again. Please ... you've just got to help us. You've just got to. I don't know who else to turn to. . . . " Annette didn't wait for an answer and, uncharacteristically for a genteel lady, she hung up the phone without speaking her cordialities. Just as Lieutenant Roberts hung up the receiver, Maisy O'Brien, former topless dancer turned excellent policewoman, stood in front of his desk and tossed down a long white envelope. Nobody on the force really knew Maisy O'Brien's real name, since she'd used about a half dozen aliases in her "show days," but they did all know that they could count on her. Now forty-nine years old, she looked half that. She had 148 Becoming 'ba money wisely and invested well during her years ',".stripper so that she had enough money to buy the best surgeons, the finest and most effective masseuses and dists, and she took vacations when she felt she needed Maisy had a body that put Marilyn Monroe's curves to She still boasted a twenty-three-inch waist, which she tightly cinched with her shiny black leadier gun and belt. She kept her badge and silver buttons sparkling rhinestones and her blue slacks tapered just a smidge too over her derriere. Maisy's opinion the only quirk to her personality was she liked policework. When she quit show business and back to school she found she had a gift for counseling Maisy knew her limitations better than anyone else, but other people, she admitted to herself what those limiwere. Maisy didn't see herself hanging up a psychol- 'st's shingle and counseling bored, middle-class sewives. She liked throwing herself in the middle of "domestic alations," and from her own experiences she knew that she to be on the receiving end of 911 calls. Lieutenant Roberts looked at the envelope and then up at He smiled slowly.

"Maze, is it sexual harassment to say that you give a whole new shape to the police uniform?" "Are you trying to say that I look lovely today, Lieuten- '.arit?" she teased him back. 411 guess so." She pointed to the envelope. "You owe me an oyster din- ,"Aler at Felix's." Roberts's eyes rounded in surprise. "You got the tickets?" "Yes, sir. You land in Little Rock at three." Maisy looked at her watch. "You need to leave for the airport in fifteen minutes." 'He picked up the envelope and shoved it into his shirt pocket. "I won't tell a soul." 149

.,you better not." She perched her hand on her wellrounded hip. "The other guys will think I'm playing favorites." He smiled back. "Well, are you?" She winked at him. "You bet I am." She turned slightly, allowing him a breathtaking view of the contour of her breasts. Then she walked away. "Damn. That woman almost makes me feel young again." Roberts quickly gathered his things from his desk and made a phone call to Little Rock to confirm his appointment. When he left the precinct he didn't tell Captain Michaud where he was going, or why. Little Rock, Arkansas Lieutenant Roberts took a cab to the Greyhound bus terminal. When he walked inside the building he was met immediately by Raymond Gorman, the bus driver who had reported to the New Orleans police department's routine inquiries that he had picked up a young woman matching Susan Kidd's description. Raymond Gorman was about forty-five years old, just over six feet tall, with hair as red as Arkansas clay. He had sky blue eyes rimmed with nearly invisible blond lashes and topped with thin, transparent-looking eyebrows that made hWis face look as if all his facial hair had been seared off in a fire. He had a mouthful of overly large, crooked teeth barely held back by a thin pair of lips. He wore what should have been a snappy uniform, clean and well pressed, but the fabric and buttons struggled so mightily to cover Raymond's enor- mously protruding stomach that he looked unkempt. Just the sight of Raymond made Lieutenant Roberts check his own shirt to make certain it was neatly tucked into his waistband. "How.dy do, Lieutenant." Raymond pumped Roberts's 150 6 Becoming, hard, he thought the bus. driver would tear his rotator .."Fine. Fine." Roberts broke away. "Got quite a grip @Nature of the job," Raymond yucked with a hayseed acHe shoved up his shirtsleeve and flexed his biceps. "It a lot of muscle to make them turns. I did a three-sixty ffie parking lot just a week ago." Lieutenant Roberts hoped his gaping mouth wasn't too ob- s. "Amazing." "I 'spose you want to go someplace private to talk." "That would be good." Roberts nodded. Raymond held out his arm. "I took care of it, 'fore you here. I told Hattie to stay out of the office while we took of bidness." "Fine." Roberts followed Raymond into a cubicle of a in that was stacked in one comer with old crates of small bottles. There were two plastic and metal chairs, one est gold and the other avocado green. Roberts wondered they were corporate colors. The flourescent light overhead .$uzzed menacingly due to what looked like poor wiring. "Have a seat," Raymond said. Roberts chose the gold chair. He took out

his notepad and R Raymond sprawled in the chair opposite Roberts and ssed his huge arms over his enormous belly. Roberts re- that Raymond wasn't trying to act slovenly; it was ly that he was too long and too obese for the small chair. us, Raymond's legs were forced to shoot out in front of in, forcing his mid-back off the chair and placing him in a ted position. Roberts glanced down at the small protrusion at his waist @@F.'and vowed to walk five miles every day. Make it six, he -thought to himself. 151

Cadwrwe Lanigan :.iVe you know?"

well,"Mr.'Clorinan.- Could you tell me what

"I don't know her name. I never know their names. They they get off. Most times I never remember any of them. if somebody is real nice, I notice. I remembered a guy having a heart attack. . ." Jesus, this guy could keep Roberts thought to himself "Tell me about Mrs. Kidd."

get on; they pay; Once in a while, once who was me here a week,

"Oh, yeah, sure. She was really purty. That's how come I remember her. And another thing. I thought it was strange she was traveling at night, and with her kid, too. I thought to myself, they should be home in bed. Know what I mean?" "Yes. Go on." "Well, like I told -the police ... I mean, your people there in New Orleans, she got on at Alexandria. Her buyin' a ticket to St. Louis, I wasn't quite prepared for her to get off." "Get off? I thought she went to St. Louis." "No, sir. I told them fellers in New Orleans she bought a ticket for St. Louis. I didn't tell 'em she went to St. Louis." Raymond shook his head and rolled his eyes, as if the whole world was half nuts except for himself. "But you just said she got off." "She did. Right here in Little Rock." Roberts scribbled notes to himself as his mind reeled into fast-forward motion. "And the boy was with her?" "Yep. Cute little guy. Carryin' that WalMart bag. Bigger In he was." Roberts only stared at Raymond. "'Me bag. I I "Oh." "Guess now you'll be wantin' to talk to Jilly Bob." "Excuse me?" Roberts stopped writing. "Jilly Bob Perkins. The driver who picked her up here in Little Rock." 152 Becoming 0o6k another bus? Headed where?" ,,%buston.- Roberts muttered to himself under his breath. can I find this . . ." He referred back to his notes. Perkins?" "Houston. Today he's in Houston. He'll be back here day tomorrow. carefully closed his notebook. He didn't want Rayto know that he felt like a fool, chasing all over the side, when the answers he needed weren't in Little at all. Why was it that he seemed to be the only person his department who asked the right kind of questions? He d to rise and then sat back down again. He didn't want @@be guilty of the same sin as his colleagues. "Raymond, I go, is there anything else you could tell me about Kidd? Did she ask any questions while on board your Is there any detail I might have missed?" _zl "Let me think." Raymond tapped the side of his cheek a

c hubby finger as his eyes scanned the dirty ceiling. He was milking this moment of self-importance for all he @"pi Id, Lieutenant Roberts knew. I don't care if I have to sit here all day and night, if he gives me something to go on. -Did she say anything to you at all? Maybe ask about jobs or for directions of any kind?" "No. Can't say she did. In fact, she was purty wom out. She and the boy slept mos' the way. I don't mind, you know. don't have to have company to stay alert on the road. That's why the company keeps me on. I can stay awake and alert through anything. I drove four days straight through one time." X! V "That's admirable. But about Susan. "She never asked me nothin'. She never said a word.,, Roberts couldn't hide his disappointment. Raymond smiled briefly, thinking to cheer the investigator. 'So, why don't you ask me the most important question?" 153

Catherine Lanigan Roberts gazed quizzically at Raymond. "I asked you if there was anything else." "But you didn't ask me where she got off." Raymond stretched his neck up out of his collar like a proud turkey. God deliver me from morons who think I'm Perry Mason and Angela Lansbury rolled into one. "Okay, Raymond. Where did she get off?" "Not in Houston.- Raymond laughed and slapped his knee. "Ha! I bet you thought she was in Houston." Roberts swallowed hard to keep his frustration in check. "Do you know where she did get off?" "No, sir." "Does Mr. Perkins?" Raymond leaned conspiratorily closer to Lieutenant Roberts. "Jilly Bob ... he's a bit tetched.- "Techeil?" Raymond tapped his forefinger to his temple. "Teched. In the head. He thinks he's gone up on one of them spaceships. Been with the aliens, he tells us. He's always predictin' stuff and seein' stuff that's gonna happen. A real spooky bastard, Ally Bob is." "What's all this got to do with Susan and Robbie Kidd?" Raymond started laughing. He laughed long, hard, and rolling guffaws as he tried to relate the truth to Lieutenant Roberts. "Jilly Bob . . . he says . . . that Mrs. Kidd ... that she just ... disappeared!" Raymond threw his arms up into the air and made a huge circle with his hands. "Poof. Magicaboola. Bibbity, bobbity, boo." Shit. Just my luck that my only leads are a prankster and a space fteak. "Don*t tell me: He thinks she went up on a spaceship." "You got it." Raymond was laughing so uproariously that Roberts didn't bother asking for directions to a telephone. He left the room 154 Becondng he'd just developed a permanent case of claustrooobia. He went to the teller window, where an intelligent-looking young girl of college age with short dark hair and expensive wire-rimmed glasses was selling bus tickets. Roberts guessed she was a college student working here for the summer. "Excuse me, miss. Where would I find a pay phone?" "Over there." The young woman pointed to the left hall- ..way near a soft drink machine. "Do you have proper change? If not, I can make change for you." "Thank you. I'm fine. But could you tell me the number ..of your Houston

terminal? And perhaps the manager there. I ,;,need to speak with one of the drivers." "You would want the office number and not the reserva- ,,-tions desk. That would be," she looked on a sheet of typed numbers underneath the glass top on her counter, "area code 713-555-7455." "Thank you very much." "You're welcome, sir." Roberts dialed his precinct and asked for his assistant, Ser- .,:-Seant Patterson, but Brian was gone for the day. ... He placed a call to the Houston bus tenrninal and requested -"Iilly Bob Perkins. The woman on the other end of the line that he was out sick and not expected back for two "'days, when he would drive his route back to Little Rock. Lieutenant Roberts thanked the woman and hung up the @phone. Upon weighing his options, Roberts knew that Captain Michaud would tell him to fly back to New Orleans. However, Captain Michaud didn't know Lieutenant Roberts had :gone to Little Rock in the first place. Therefore, a quick flight to Houston to interview Jilly Bob Perkins could be just as ,easily overlooked. He was certain the bus company would give him Jilly Zob's address. Roberts knew his interview would take less Ahan an hour. If he handled it correctly, he could be back in 155

Cadwrim Lanigan New Orleans by morning and his superior would be none the wiser. Roberts picked up the phone again and placed a call to Southwest Airlines and made a reservation for the next flight to Houston. He ordered a cab to take him to the Little Rock airport. Roberts no longer questioned the urgings of his intuition. He was too old and too wise to waste his time on inconsequentials. The one thing he did know was that when he had a feeling of being pushed toward some place or someone, it was always best he follow his instincts. It was when he didn't pay attention to his inner guides that he screwed up. He knew he needed to go to Houston and there he would find his answers. Roberts was confident that as soon as he spoke with Jilly Bob Perkins, he would uncover the truth about Susan Kidd. It was important to him that be be the first one to find her. 156 Chapter Sixteen Orleans all die, places in the world, Jim Kidd knew most what to t of the interior of a private detective's office. Because had seen every suspense thriller Hollywood ever made believed the filmmakers must have researched their sub- in order to accurately depict them on the screen. The Canal Street address of Tate Rawlings, Private Inves- , had not given Jim a clue to the old South, Greek ival edifice he found. Next door to the red-brick-andhite-columned newly built mansion was an asphalt parking rimmed with perfectly manicured boxwoods, colorful be- .as, and heavy limbed oaks to provide shade. As Jim got t of his car, he was aware of three gardeners who clipped, I mulched, and edged errant weeds and unwanted flora, ng an outdoors that was so meticulously clean, it apared surreal. The interior of the building was a further shock to Jim. 157

Catherine Lanigan Where he'd been expecting grimy furniture, split Naugahyde chairs from the 1950s, and whirring desk fans, he found fabulous French and Italianate antique desks, chairs, crystal chandeliers, and plush Persian rugs to rival anything to be found on Royale Street. Instead of a blousy-looking receptionist who smoked cigarettes and chewed gum, he found a young, thin woman who wore her dark hair cut short, neat, and straight at the chin. She wore no makeup other than a light glossing of lipshine, and her clothes looked as if she'd just walked off the pages of a Ralph Lauren ad. She was as cooly elegant as she was proper. With a simple drop of her eyelids she made him feel three social classes beneath her. ."How do you do?" she asked with marked emphasis on her oooos, revealing her overstudied elocution lessons. "Fine," Jim replied as he stood over the Louis XV desk, where she sat reviewing a leatherbound appointment book. "I'm here to see, Tate." The girl ran a perfectly manicured finger down her very full book. "Yes, James Kidd. You're a bit early and Mr. Rawlings is still. in conference with another client. Would you care to be seated? I could get you some coffee or tea." "Coffee would be fine." She rose from her tapestry-upholstered Carlos V chair and went to an English sideboard located under the medieval tapestry Of a hunting scene. She looked back to Jim and with her hand indicated a rosewood settee against the opposite wall, a few feet away from the circular staircase. "Please, have a seat, Mr. Kidd. I will serve you over there." "Huh? Oh, yes." As Jim sat down he thought he'd never felt like such a social boob in his life. This woman had the ability to make Emily Post feel uncomfortable. With flawless grace she handed him a cup of steaming French market cafd au lait@ a monogrammed white linen napkin, and a sterling silver spoon. She placed a silver footed sugar bowl on the mahogany coffee table in front of him. She 158 Becoming k to her desk and began forwarding phone calls to offices that Jim guessed were located on the second reached for the sugar bowl. Geez, at least the coffee was a reproduction. sipped the hot coffee and grew more nervous by the . This place must cost a fortune to run. Who pays for is? he wondered. "You will, Bubba," he muttered to If. "Mr. Rawlings will see you now, Mr. Kidd." im looked at the receptionist. "But ... I didn't see anyone ve," he blurted. The elegant woman raised her swanlike neck and smiled eficently upon him, as if he were one of her royal subjects , most likely, he thought, the court jester. "Our clients' acy is of utmost importance to us, Mr. Kidd. You, too, use the back entrance. There is a canopied walkway from fenced parking area. No one need ever know you've em- ed us." As Jim followed the woman down the main hall, he Idn't help feeling his money flowing out of his wallet ady. She tapped lightly on a paneled mahogany pocket door.

r. James Kidd is here to see you, sir." "Come," was the answer. She rolled back one of the pocket doors to reveal an enor- s two-story library, complete with marble fireplace, paret floors, and a rolling library steps. Jim could smell the w wood, but somehow the artisans who created this room made it look as if it had been standing since the Civil ar. If the rest of Tate Rawlings, Private Investigator, had sursed Jim, the man himself was a double shock. Rawlings no more than twenty-five years old, nattily dressed in nsive black wool slacks, white broadcloth cotton shirt, 159

Catherine Lanigan leather and tapestry suspenders, and an exceedingly conservative gray and burgundy tie. Tate's blond hair was more meticulously trimmed than the fancy gardens outside. He was about six foot tall, lean, with broad shoulders and perfectly chiseled facial features. He was a handsome man who looked as if he'd never dirtied his hands in his life, except to pick up a tennis ball. It amazed Jim that Tate's chosen profession was dealing in other people's personal muck. "How do you do, Mr. Kidd?" "Fine.- "It's such a pleasant day outdoors, it makes one rraffither annoyed that we must remain indoors to deal with business, does it not?" "It does," Jim said, wondering if he'd answered correctly. Jim had thought Susan's parents were etiquette-obsessed, but this guy was ridiculous. "Please, James, have a seat." Tate sat in an imposingly constructed burgundy leather wing chair. "Jim. 'Ibank you." Jim sat down across from Tate. As Jim glanced briefly around the room, he noticed that nothing was out Of place. A huge bouquet df summer flowers rested on a coffee table, and each bloom looked as if it hadn9t rested in the crystal-clear water less than five minutes. Jim pulled at his collar, as if his mounting bill was already strangling him. "How may I be of service to you?" "My wife left me and I want you to find her." Tate's face was expressionless as he waited patiently for Jim to continue. Why not? He's on the clock and it pays plenty. Jim hurried on. "Susan took Robbie, that's my son, with her.... It's been over a month now. I don't know where she is or why she left. But I want her back. The police seem to feel she might have been abducted. But they can't seem to get off their butts to do anything about it. That's why I'm here." Tate placed his elbows on the arms of the chair and peered 160 Becoming over the tops of his steepled fiqgers. "You have been police, then?" -."Yes. Boy! What a thoroughly rotten experience that is that, James?" 11'f.@"They acted like I had abducted Susan." Jim shook his @@'Oh, I don't think they thought anything of the kind, You must understand that you were overwrought at time, and sometimes our perception of certain situations not all it should be." 'I hadn't thought of that." ,Tate's smile was curiously enigmatic, as he continued the iew. "In order for me to best serve you, James. . %41t's Jim," Jim interrupted- "Yes, I beg your pardon, but to continue, you must realize some of my questions might be a bit distasteful to us, nevertheless, they are necessary. I'm afraid it's the nature the business." "I undersund," Jim replied. "I ... I didn't tell the police, ause of the way they were treating me, but Susan and I had a few argurnents as of late." And?" Well, she's always nagging me a lot and I've had a lot stress at work with this enormous Japanese deal I just sed." Jim glanced up at Tate, feeling

increasingly uncom- le in the pristine surroundings. Being studied by a man ose own life had a long time to go before he collected the st dust mote made Jim feel defensive. "Excellent going, Jim. Was it a large commission?" The hair on the back of Jim's neck stood on end. He could actically see the dollar signs in Tate's eyes. "It will be if rything goes right. Should take a year, though." Better ver myself, Jim thought. "Good. Now please tell me about these arguments. I only 161

Catherine Lanigan need this to help me with my investigation..." Suddenly it was as if an alarm bell rang in Jim's head and the clanging was making him nuts. "I don't get this. What difference does it make why Susan left? She split. Period. End of discussion. She went somewhere. It's your job to find out where that somewhere is and tell me. That is what I'm paying you for," Jim growled as he flexed his fingers and then sat back in the chair. Jesus! What did he have to do to get some goddamn action out of people? He was paying Tate, wasn't he? Tate was his goddamn employee, wasn't he? "I understand your concerns, Jim," Tate said with that unnerving aloofness that was beginning to drive Jim,crazy. "This is simply a matter of lack of communication between us. You see, if Susan left because of a whim, or some secret desire to shop in Paris for, a week or so, she will be back and there is little to concern ourselves about. If there was truly an abduction or foul play, that is entirely another matter. And, too, if Susan was unhappy, she might relocate to another town, but perhaps not far from here, and there's the chance that she might return. However, if Susan was abused, she would go underground, and we could spend the rest of my life and yours trying to find her and we never would." The truth caused Jim's mouth to dry up in an instant. He tried to talk, but his tongue felt swollen with his lies. "Underground?" "She would change her name, her appearance. She would go far away, say California. She would blend with the masses. She would create a whole new life for herself and Robbie." "Susan couldn't do that." "Why not?" "She's not that smart." Tate chuckled to himself, then cast a coldly brutal eye on Jim. "You're making that same mistake, Jim." "What's that?" "Underestimating your wife. She is smart enough to have 162 Becoming ;jeft you without a trace, but she has successfully the police for over a month. I'd say she was very indeed." @im looked away from Tate's brutally calculating stare. Ineed to know from you, Jim which of my assessments correctly fits your situation." was hesitant to answer. "The last one." his head. "Then we know what we're up ou'll take the case?" Jim was stunned that Tate with manners, would bring a woman back to her abusive course.Tate stood and held out his hand to Jim. "Let YOU that I will do all I can to bring your wife and "',back to you. I have a nationwide network of investigators g for me. Some are former CIA, policewomen, and agents, though they are not as effectual in their work as You will be amazed at our efficiency. In the meantime, ,"You bring the photographs we requested?" have a folder in the car." Charleen will give you a brief questionnaire to fill with basic descriptions,

size, weight. That kind of thing. she will set up your billing account for you.. You can @,`the room at the right at the top of the stairs to finish the paperwork while I see to my next client. In that you'll also find soft drinks, coffee, and a full bar. In an hour tea sandwiches will arrive from our caterer." .,,'You think of everything." '"We want you to be as comfortable as possible during this Of ordeal. I appreciate that," Jim replied cordially as Tate walked to the office door and rolled it back. I will have my people begin immediately. You rest easy, it won't take long to find your wife." ou don't think so?" 163

CadwAw LAWgan "We're very thorough and very good. We couldn't command the kind of business we do if we weren't the best, now could we?" Tate smiled again. "I guess not." Charleen came walking down the hall, nodded to Tate and turned to Jim. "If you'll please follow me, Mr. Kidd, we'll finish with your paperwork." Jim turned back to Tate. "Thanks again." "Thank you, Jim." Tate went back into the seclusion of his library. Charleen took Jim upstairs and handed him four sheets of questions about his "missing persons" and then asked, "Which credit card did you wish to use today, Mr. Kidd?" Jim was surprised. "I had planned to write a check." "That would be fine, too. It's two thousand for the retainer and eight hundred a week thereafter until Mrs. Kidd is found." Jim knew his bill would be stiff, but this was exorbitant. Maybe he should forget the whole damn thing. Maybe he should take the time off work and look for Susan himself. No, he couldn't do that. He'd lose his Japanese deal, and if that went, through as it should, he could easily pay what Tate asked. Jim wanted to find Susan before the police did. If Susan told the police and her parents that he'd hit her, Bart Beaulieu would press charges against him. Jim would lose not only the Japanese deal but his job. He'd lose his position in New Orleans, such as it was. No, he had to find Susan first and talk to her. He had to convince her to keep her mouth shut. He would promise her the moon if she'd put their past in the past where it belonged. Two thousand bucks was cheap when he thought about it. "Visa," Jim said and went back to filling out the questionnaire. BecoWng Rawlings picked up the telephone and summoned She answered immediately. es, sir?" !ase contim my tennis match for this afternoon at four. with the Cloonans is scheduled for seven at Cornr's Palace, I believe." "That's correct, sir." "Tell me, Charleen, do you think that Mr. Kidd saw Mr. ulieu leave through the rear entrance?" "Oh, no, sir. I know he didn't because I had to explain the ure to him." 64V ery good. Mr. Beaulieu is an old friend of the family I wouldn't want his personal business bandied about. lConfidentiality is our stock in trade. And we certainly , Id 71pu n't want anyone to think there was a conflict of interest, would we?" "Oh, no, sir." "One more thing, Charleen."

"Sir?" "Tell Bob Franklin I've decided on the gold Jaguar con- "Gold, sir?" Charleen's voice was filled with amazement. "I thought it a bit showy, but upon consideration -1 think still in good taste." "By all means, sir." Charleen ended the conversation. Tate Rawlings paid no attention to the twinge of greed that *ept onto his shoulders. He spread another layer of polish 'bver the corruption that had begun to cover his values and Uzzed his secretary that he was ready for his next client. 164 165

Chapter Seventeen Houston Susan reached for a porcelain L 'ladro clown and felt a searing, shooting pain in her abdomen. She clutched at her stomach and when she did the Lladro went tumbling off the wooden shelf and crashed onto the highly polished saltilo tile floor below. Never having so much as chipped a plate in one of Merry Maids' clients' homes, Susan was the first to be shocked at the accident. Micaela came running from the bathroom and Juanita raced in from the kitchen. "I"at happened?" The lady of the house, Vicki Bushman, rushed in from the terrace, where she was having lunch with two of her friends, looked at the broken porcelain, and said in a stunned, hushed voice, "My mother gave me that Lladro. It's the only one I have." Susan watched the silvery blond woman as -she bent and 166 BevoiWng for the broken fragments. It was evident that the piece meant a great deal to Mrs. Bushman. Susan knew how had felt leaving behind the momentos and family heir- her mother had given her. Susan's heart went out to @Voman. m sorry. I'll replace it," Susan said, knowing words 't enough apology and that she couldn't afford to re- the woman. ou can't. . . . " Vicki stood holding the broken pieces then turned around and started to leave. uddenly Susan felt another searing pain in her abdomen. was as if someone had run her through with a sword. ihh!" Susan screamed with a pain so intense, the room t swirl beneath her. She lost her balance and reached the shelf, but she was too late. She fell off the step stool. II'll - _"Starl " Micaela screamed and rushed to Susan just as she the tile floor. God!" Vicki screamed and went to Susan's aid. @@@,@Susan was nearly unconscious from the intensity of the She tried to speak but couldn't. .:"'I'll call an ambulance," Vicki said and headed for the one. usan thought she could hear Micaela's voice, but she n't sure. She floated in and out of consciousness and back forth through time, until she was no longer aware of elf. She didn't know who she was or where she was. At one moment she could hear Vicki's voice as she gave address and directions to her house over the phone to the Ioperator on the other end of the line. The next moment heard the doorbell and the sound of heavy footsteps nd her. "Bring the gurney while I finish taking her vitals," a man's . said. "I'll call the hospital and tell them we're bringing her in," 167

Catherine Lanigan a young man's voice answered. Then she heard the sound of his running footsteps. Susan opened her eyes, but only long enough to see unfamiliar faces peering down at her. She felt the cool temperature of the tile beneath her, but not the texture of its bumps and ridges. It was as if she were floating. The world went black and then dawned again, now occupied with the unfamiliar faces of the paramedics. She wanted to tell these people to find her son. She needed to tell Robbie herself what was happening, even if she wasn't quite certain what was wrong with her. Robbie's life had become filled with strangers lately. She was his only family. She was afraid that if Robbie heard the truth from a stranger, he would panic. She had to protect Robbie, not send him spmmng into a whirlpool of fears. -Rob.

she tried to say his name, but her body felt paralyzed.

One of the paramedics bent over her to listen to what she was saying, but Susan faded out of reality again. "Ooowwwww!" she screamed when a young man with a stethescope around his neck pressed his fingers into her abdomen. She felt as if he'd shot her with a gun. She didn't remember the two young men picking her up and placing her on a gurney. However, she was now being wheeled out the front door of the house into the sunshine. When the gurney bumped over the doorsill Susan screamed again. There were tears in Micaela's eyes as she held Susan's hand. "I want to ride with her to the hospital." "No way," came the response from the younger paramedic. "I'll hang on the bumper all the way," Micaela threatened as she clung to the back bumper of the ambulance. The younger paramedic called her bluff. "For her sake, just follow us in your car. Okay? You can't ride with her; you 168 Becoming and you would get in the way if we had to go on her. Okay. drifted out of consciousness as they closed the doors ambulance and she lost sight of Micaela. instantly awoke as another pain stabbed her midsecShe tensed, clutched her stomach, and looked to the -haired young man who hovered over her. He pushed her hair away from her face and touched her forehead tenYou're gonna be fine. Really.'Just hang on," he said with "le she'd only seen drawn on the faces of angels she'd in church. usan was afraid. Deathly afraid. She could never rememObeing seriously ill, and her lack of experience and knowl- about such things terrified her. Every muscle in her body which only increased the pain. Susan thought she'd felt so lonely in her entire life. uddenly she wanted to see her mother's serene and beauface. She wanted to feel the touch of her mother's hand. wanted to tell her mother that she was sorry for not callher and sorry she felt she couldn't confide in her, -but she 't want to hurt her mother. Susan

still didn't want to hurt mother. She believed that if she 'could only hold her r's hand, she would stay bound to earth somehow. This must be what it's like to die, Susan thought. This tiness. This uncertain and immense vacuum I live in at moment is all there is. There is no past and no future, this moment. ,@.The intensity of the pain became torturous as the ambue raced down the city streets. Susan would have amed, but to do so meant she would have to breathe, and an was in too much pain for that. At the Red Oak Hospital just off FM 1960 Susan was 169

Cadierine Lanigan -wheeled into the emergency room, where more nurses prodded and poked, and a doctor examined her. Susan was given a painkiller that allowed her to breathe again and return to more complete consciousness. She could bear Micaela's distinctive voice as she argued with a tall, gray-haired, robust-looking nurse. "You can't move her. She just got here!" Micaela was nearly screaming. "She has no insurance. We have to send her to Ben Taub. They have wonderful care there." "She'll rot there! Everyone has heard stories about Ben Taub," Micaela retorted. "Can't you give her something to make her well and send her home?" "I'm afraid not," the nurse said compassionately. "We don't know for certain, but the doctor thinks she has a ruptufed ovary. She needs X rays, surgery. She's a charity case. She has to go to Ben Taub. I'm sorry, really, but those are the rules. There's nothing I can do." The nurse left the room. Susan's mouth was desert dry, but she finally spoke Micaela's name. "M ... Micaela. What's she saying?" Micaela rushed to her side and leaned over the metal guardrail on the bed. "What's wrong with me?" "They say it's your ovary. But they could be wrong. They haven't even taken X rays yet. So, it could be anything. Even my jalepefios from last night," Micaela joked, but concern furrowed deeply into her brow. She took Susan's hand. "I'll stay with you. I called Sandra and she sent over another crew to finish the house. She told me to tell you not to worry about anything. When you get well your job is waiting for you." "And ... the Lladro?" "We're bonded, honey. The insurance will take care of it." "Good," Susan said weakly as another wave of pain washed over her. "Tell me the rest." 170 lowered her voice to a whisper. "They're sending -Ito the charity hospital. I told you to buy the insurance offered. couldn't, Micaela. I thought it was too risky. What if found out ... my phony license and a..." Susan more from her fears this time than from the Pam. 6Well. Your way sure doesn't help," Micaela scolded her. she caringly patted Susan's hand. "Let's not worry yet. you have to get well." .'$usan thanked God for the

friend she had found in Micaela. t then two paramedics walked into the room. "Star Kaithe short one asked Susan. K.,,"Yes." "We have to drive you to town. It'll take us nearly an hour use the traffic is backed up on 1-45. I'm going to put this n maskbackon you. We'll be as gentle as wecan." Susan pushed the mask away. "Wait!" She turned to Mila with panic in her eyes. "Find Max. I want Max to be me." Susan reached out to Micaela with desperation, ng her nails into Micaela's arm. "Tell him not to be d, please. Nothing like this has ever happened to us. se me!' IMicaela nodded her head and touched Susan's cheek. on't worry about a thing. He'll be just fine, and if I have smuggle him into your room myself, I'll make sure you him. Okay?" 'Okay." "I'll call Andie and have her drive Max to the hospital t away. And this time I am riding with you in that damn bulance," Micaela said with fiery determination in her S. Micaela turned to the paramedic with her hands placed deantly on her hips. "She hasn't got any family here but her 'd and me. Is there a problem with my going with her?" "I guess not," the short, dark-haired paramedic said. 171

Catherine Lanigan "Good. I've got to make a phone call for her and ftn we can leave." The taller paramedic stepped in front of Micaela, bent underneath the gurney, and retrieved a belt that he flipped across Susan's rib cage to the other side. Ile short paramedic buckled the strap. Susan winced as they struggled with the strap. Every movement sent another piercing jab of pain through her body. "Take it easy with her, guys," Micaela blasted at the paramedics, who instantly agreed not to buckle the second strap. Satisfied that under her supervision Star would receive better care, she left the emergency room only long enough to call the apartment complex and talk to Andie. Robbie inserted the videotape of Aladdin into the video cassette recorder and pushed PLAY. "The movie will be on in just a minute," he told the younger children sitting in a semicircle around him. "Turn it up, Max. I can't hear it!" Mary, the red-haired six-year-old said. "I want some juice!" Jamie, the four-year-old boy demanded of Robbie. "Okay," Robbie said and handed the remote control to Mary. "You fix the volume while I get some juice for Jamie." Mary grabbed the coveted remote control from Robbie and pressed the volume button a half dozen times. "I like it loud." "That's too loud!" Jamie squealed with his hands covering his ears. Finally Mary relented and turned the volume to a normal decibel. Robbie went to the cabinet where Toni kept the boxed juices. He grabbed a grape-flavored one, punched the pointed plastic straw through the tiny sipping hole on top, and handed 172 V 'Recomkg He was just about to sit down with the group Andie walked into the room. 41

T9 Andie said.

turned around at the mention of his alias. Andie's looked as if someone had painted it white. Her eyes were @with the same kind of fear he'd seen in his mother's Ahe night they'd left home. His smile fell off his face as toward her. "What's wrong?" ,,.Ies your Mom, Max." '@11s- she dead?" Robbie felt icy cold all over. ,@,,*Nb. But she's sick. She's in the hospital and she wants .,'Wyou.k4l` looked at Andie as if she were crazy. His mother never been sick. Why would she be sick now? And why she have to go to the hospital? The only thing Robbie about hospitals was what he'd learned from sneaking at the soap operas on television and from listening to nts talk about their friends who were really, reold and died in hospitals. Robbie knew that if his mother being,taken to a hospital, she was going to die. had believed since coming to Houston that he was man of the house now, and that he was taking care of his He was the oldest kid in day care. He

took care of little kids sometimes because they got scared when they t see their mothers all day. Robbie was looked up to by little kids. ie felt as though he was a little baby again. nly Robb 'felt small and weak. He didn't know how he was supposed t right now; he only knew that he was very, very scared. have to see her. I have to see my Mommy, Robbie t as his mind blackened with fear. bbie didn't feel his tears when they first came to his but they were falling in profusion and he seemed surhe could make them that fast. ie kept trying to talk, but there was a burning lump 173

Catherine Lanigan in his throat he'd never felt before. I have to see my Monwq. He grabbed Andie's hand. "Will you take me there? I'm just a kid.... I can't get there by myself." "I know, sweetheart," Andie replied, her own eyes swimming with tears. "I'll drive you." Robbie looked up at her with a face filled with trust and gratitude. "I'm glad you're our friend, Andie. I need you." Andie thought her heart would break for this little boy whom she, had come to care for. He was struggling with himself, trying to act mature when she believed she could almost see his world shatter around him. "I'm glad I'm your friend, too, Max." They walked swiftly to Andie's car, got in, and drove away from the complex. Robbie tried desperately to see out the windshield, but his seat was low and the seat belt forced him back into the seat. He felt that if he could just see the road, he could help Andie drive faster, but the traffic was bumper-to-bumper. Robbie felt as if he were going to jump out of his skin. There had to be a way to get to his mother faster Robbie fought tears, wiped his nose on his T-shirt, and then gave up and put his face in his hands and cried. Andie tried to comfort him the best she could. "She'll be okay, Robbie." "If the cars would just drive instead of sitting still, then I could be with Mommy. Why won't they just go?!" He slammed his little fist against his open palm. Like a miracle, the cars did move to a crawl. Within minutes they were up to speed. As they neared the 610 Loop Interchange they saw several police cars off to the side with four smashed cars and a red-and-white bus that was overturned in a ditch. "Was ... my mommy hurt in a car wreck?" Robbie's face was ashen as he turned to Andie. "Oh, no, sweetheart. She got sick at work. Maybe it's just 174 Becoming -bad flu or something. I'm sure it's nothing serious." y drove, Robbie noticed that Andie's hands gripped ng wheel so tightly, her knuckles were white. It was so long to get to the hospital, Robbie thought as he to look out the window. Then he saw a hospital on @,jitght that they passed up completely. do we have to go?" Robbie asked, still looking at the clean white-and-blue building now far in the dis- the charity hospital." there?" ause your mother doesn't have insurance or money. doctors turned her away from the hospital close to us." ie was appalled at what Andie was telling him. That 't be true! Did things like that really happen to people? 4emembered. having a fever once so high that he'd gone emergency room at a clinic, and no one had turned him But that was before they left home. That was when had money and his mother didn't have to work

all the "They shouldn't have turned Mommy away. Daddy has 'Of money." does?" Andie wasn't surprised at the information, but 1@was curious that after all these weeks this had been the time Max had slipped. ie suddenly realized he shouldn't have mentioned his He didn't want Andie to know how frightened he was, .he couldn't seem to stop the waves of tears that came to es when he thought about his mother. Robbie felt as if d had turned upside down. Nothing made sense to If his mother wasn't in a car accident, what could poshave happened to her that she would need a hospital? had seemed perfectly fine that morning before she went ork. They had shared his cereal and she had told him might even go to a movie on the weekend. They talked 175

Catherine Lanigan about how hot the summer had become, and so they were making "cold plans." "That's what we'll do, then. We'll go to an air-conditioned movie." "And we'll eat ice cream and Popsicles for dinner," Robbie joked. "On Sunday we can take the bus to the Galleria and go ice skating," Susan said, planting a kiss on his head. "And we'll drink cherry Icies." Robbie laughed. "Is that all you think about.. . eating?" "Sure, Mom. I'm too young to think about jobs and girls and stuff." "Girls?" Robbie blushed, looked down at his cereal bowl, and shoved his spoon into his mouth. "Do you have a girlfriend, Robbie?" "Mary kinda likes me." Susan nodded her head in approval. "She's the red-haired, pretty girl with the green eyes, isn't she?" "Yeah- We get along pretty good-- Susan looked at her watch. "Omigosh, I've got to leave." She picked up her purse and waited until Robbie finished his cereal. "Tonight we'll make spaghetti and meatballs for supper. How will that be?" "The best!" Robbie hugged his mother as they both walked out of the apartment for the day. She poked her finger into his tummy. "No, you're the best. Robbie imitated her gesture. "No, Mom, you're the best." Robbie was glad that Andie was able to drive faster now that they were close to the city. He had to find out whether his mother was all right. He gripped the padded dash in front of him and strained against the seat belt. He could finally see the skyline of downtown Houston. Andie had told him it 176 Becoming 'for. to the Medical Center, but to Robbie it was still away. ie tried to hide his fears, but he was so scared for his he'd started shaking all over. He bit his lip so he 't cry anymore. He kept silent as best he could because w that if he talked anymore he might say something again. He didn't want Andie to know that he was un- whether he could take care of his mother by himself. -'.'4=ld make sandwiches and soup from the can, and if had a microwave he could make even more things. But 't know anything about nursing. What kinds of meddid she need? Would she have to be in a wheelchair? bt raced through Robbie. e, traffic thinned when they approached downtown, ciraround the tall skyscrapers, and exited onto the Southt'Ffeeway. They took the Fannin exit off the freeway. 10kobbie saw the Ben Taub Hospital sign before Andie did. ,@.*'There it

is!" he shouted, anxiously pointing off to the ie pulled the car around to the Emergency Room parklot. In*his haste to see his mother, Robbie fumbled with seat belt and became frustrated. "Get me outta here!" He nearly on the verge of tears again. '-"It's all right, Robbie. She's going to be fine. Really." tried to reassure the small boy as she released his seat t. Robbie scrambled out of the car in a flash. hospital was mayhem. Upon entering the front door, ie and Robbie heard the buzz of hospital gossip. The vicof the accident they had seen on 1-45 southbound had n brought here because it contained the best trauma units 'the city. The worst injuries had already filled up the opng rooms, Robbie heard a passing nurse say to a young M. Robbie and Andie learned from the information desk near 177

Catherine Lanigan the adn-titting office that Star Kaiser had'been taken to the fourth floor, where she was awaiting surgery. Robbie raced to the elevator and slammed his hand against the call button. "C'mon, Andie!" The elevator stopped on every floor on the way to them and did the same going back up again. Anxiously, Robbie wound the tail of his T-shirt around his forefinger and tapped his sneaker against tiled floor. When the doors opened on the fourth floor Robbie had to push his way through a sea of adult-sized legs, hips, and arms. Andie followed directly behind him. The reception area was filled with row upon row of metal chairs where families waited for their names to be called. The halls to both the left and right sides of the elevator area were lined with gumeys bearing injury victims and patients. Robbie saw a man of about thirty hugging himself and rocking back and forth on his chair. 'Mere were knife slashes up and down both his arms. Two chairs over sat a teenage boy with his arm in a makeshift sling, awaiting casting for his broken arm. A little girl looked at him from a far comer. There were what looked like round cigarette bum marks on her cheeks. The girl had an oddly vacant look in her eyes as she gave Robbie the once-over, then cooly dismissed him and went back to watching the television set high in a comer of the room. A tall, thin nurse came into the area carrying an armful of files. She called out several names. "Jenkins. Samuels. Benton." Three people stood and followed the nurse down another hall to the left. Andie took Robbie's hand. "Stay close to me," she warned. Robbie noticed that Andie's hand was cold as ice. He knew she must be afraid, too. Andie went up to a partitioned cubicle where a middleaged nurse was sitting behind a window. "I'm here to see Mrs. Star Kaiser. They told me she was on this floor." 178 Becoming )W fialilily?, Andie answered too quickly. Robbie replied swiftly. "This is my Aunt Andie." nurse shot them both a scornful look. "Only family her son. I gotta see my mom. Now, please? We've a, long way. I gotta see her." Robbie placed his hands wall and leaned into the window, his chin just barely edge as he pleaded with the stone-faced woman. nurse filled her lungs with air and let out a sigh of ration. "All right, but only for five minutes." clucked her tongue at the woman's lack of compasas she and Robbie followed the nurse to a ward room. were five gurneys in the room, all of them occupied. Is eyes quickly shot around the room from right to and then he saw his mother in the

last bed on the left. caela saw them as soon as they entered the room. 11,rhank God you're here, Max. She's been asking for Micaela said in a rush as she hugged Robbie. He kept glued on the still body in the gleaming metallicbed. Everything looked just the way it did on telehe thought. Except that this was real. Very, very real. bie had been in such a hurry to see his mother, but that he was here he was afraid that if he touched her, to her, whatever this evil force was that had brought mother here might rub off on him, too. "Mommy?" He walked cautiously toward the bed. The didn't move. He looked at the tubes running into her and the bag hanging overhead. When Susan lifted her head a flash of pain seared through body. She moaned and put her head back down. -Fear riddled Robbie's body when he recognized Susan. Mommy!" Susan

started crying.

"My baby." She turned her head ard Robbie and raised her arm to him. 179

Catherine Lanigan "Mommy." Robbie was crying as he rushed to Susan. The gurney was high, and he was still so small that he could barely reach up to her neck. All he could do was lay his head on her arm. "Mommy, I was so scared. I thought you might be dead." This time Susan didn't mind the jostling of the bed. Robbie was with her. Somehow she had needed to see him in order to believe that she would survive this ordeal. She knew he was terrified, and she knew that she should be comforting him, she was the one who drew strength from him. "Oh, no, darling. I'm just a little sick in my tummy. I would never leave you, Robbie." She tried to pull him closer. "I love you, Robbie," she whispered to him. "I love you, Mommy." He looked up at her with mouniful, frightened eyes. "What are they going to do to you? Do you have to stay here a long time? Why did Andie say you have to be at the charity hospital?" Susan tried to smile. "So many questions," she said slowly with a thick tongue. The nurse had given her an injection that was intended to make her dr9wsy. "I'll be fine now that I know you're all right. I don't want you to be afraid. The doctor told me it would only take a couple of hours to fix my stomach and then I'll come home in three days." "I don't like this place," he said, leaning closer to Susan. "I don't either. That's why I'm coming home very soon. Micaela is going to let you sleep at her house while I'm here." Robbie kissed Susan's forearm and then stroked it. "Don't be sick anymore after this, okay?" "Okay." She winked sleepily at her son. Just then the orderly walked into the ward. "Kaiser?" "Over here," Micaela replied and motioned to the young black man. "Time to put you back together," he joked as he unceremoniously pulled on the gurney and started down the hall. 180 Beconting walked after the gurney. "We'll stay here until back from Recovery, Star.- raced after the gumey. "I won't let them kick me I'll be here. No matter what." Robbie didn't what they were going to do to his mother, but a small from deep inside his heart told him that nothing bad happen to his mother. His mother had told him once voice he heard was the voice of his guardian angel. had faith in his angel, and he found his courage again. 4s quickly as h is fears had made him feel small, he now ly invincible. raised her hand and Robbie tried to touch her, but y was moving too swiftly. Robbie watched as Susan ed down the hall, her arm still waving

in the air. was left behind. 181

V-T 0 1 Chapter z1gliteen New Orleans Annette Beaulieu dropped out of society. She refused dinner invitations, committee meetings, charity teas, and canceled her annual Fourth of July party and her Labor Day weekend trip to Sarasota Springs to visit the Dilworths at their condo. Annette did something completely out of character; she became introspective. For over thirty days Annette had waited for the phone to ring, for a letter to arrive in the mail, for some kind of message from Susan. The silence had nearly sent her to the brink of insanity. Normally prone to illness during times of crisis, Annette found to her own surprise that she didn't become ill during Susan's absence. Other than those first three days when she and Bart were interrogated by the police, Annette hadn't ex- perienced another headache, upset stomach, or attack of nerves. Instead of retreating to her bed Annette had started 182 Becoming qUestions Of her friends--tough questions, Questions y would ha would ha e shocked her now spilled from her Dr a woman who had spent her life believing that noth- nothing problematic would dare enter her enparadise, Annette began searching for information vengeance. She was stunned at the turns her life was taking. once in her life Annette wanted answers. stopped wringing her hands and pacing her bedShe picked up the telephone and called a psychiatrist name she had heard uttered with near reverence over a bridge game with her women friends. Alain Gilbert took less than an hour to show Annette she, not Jim Kidd, was to blame for Susan's behavior. struck her! I have never raised a hand to Susan." 1. never said you did," the tall, slender, dark-haired man compassionate blue eyes said. "What I meant was that relationship with Jim was one in which she placed herself his control. Jim uses his fist to control Susan, but she "to be taught at home, by you or your husband, that being Iled was Susan's role in life. You didn't have to use :-al abuse. Words would have done the trick." was so shocked she wanted to faint, but she didn't. could this man gaze at her with such empathy while at same time deliver such a sharp imprecation? "I have done nothing but love and support my daughter .;her life." "I'm not doubting that for an instant, but during your therwhat I am hoping to accomplish with you is to remedy nse of misdirection in some of your behaviors. For your and for Susan's I am hoping that you will have many -revelations. It won't be easy. In fact, it will be difficult. is therapy will be the second, most difficult act you will r perform in your life." "What was the first?" 183

Catherine Lanigan . "Making this appointment." He smiled compassionately-as he rested his elbows on the arms of the chair in which he sat. Annette noticed that he didn't take notes, nor did he even have a pad or pencil with him. She was glad about that, and silently thanked him for making her feel this comfortable. "So, it's downhill from here?" He chortled his response. "I wouldn't go that far. It's Just that I want you to be prepared for what is ahead. If you thought I would give you simplistic answers to your quite difficult questions, you were wrong. Therapy isn't a BandAid, but it is the path to a cure." "But finding Susan is the cure." "No, it's not," he retorted. "What will you do when she comes home? What will you do if you never find her? What if she does come home and goes back to her husband, which you so clearly have stated that you never want to happen? What will you do then?" "But Susan knows that she always has a home with us. She knows that we will love her and take care of both her and Robbie.- "Obviously, Annette, she knows nothing of the kind. I can bet you my entire practice that Susan thinks you do not love her unconditionally. If she thought otherwise, Susan wouldn't have run away and you wouldn't be in this office." Annette didn't like the way he kept throwing accusations at her. He kept trying to make her the villain in her relationship with Susan, and nothing could be further from the truth. "What are you trying to say? That I forced Susan to leave town and take off for God only knows where? Without a word to us?" Annette's nerves were being shattered and she felt perilously close to tears. She knew it was bad manners to cry in front of anyone. She knew this because her mother had scolded her often for her "tender sympathies." Dr. Gilbert leaned forward and placed his elbows on his knees. His face was etched with sympathy. "Annette, please 184 Becondng me. What I'm asking of you is to think about how going to handle your own life if Susan never comes You can't spend your life waiting by the phone. That stress can only produce illness, and I do mean a major ancer, heart disease. I don't want that for you." 't either." A huge tear hung on the edge of Aneyelash. ve already told me that you have a past pattern of sick at times like this. Lots of people do that-most That's why our hospitals are full. I just don't want be one of those people anymore." pulled a tissue from the box sitting on the table the flowered love seat upon which she sat and dabbed eyes. "I don't either." can't control Susan's world anymore. You are her not her keeper. Your only responsibility now is to If I will help you understand what went wrong and ",,:Therapy will alter your perspective of your world. How yourself and everyone around you. You will see you never saw before. Illusions will be dispelled and enhanced. It's going to be tough. You may agree with times. Other times, you may not. That's

your choice. you choose to come back here again, Annette, nothing r world will ever be the same." tte Beaulieu had never been spoken to in the way Gilbert spoke to her. He frightened her. He provoked 'sensibilities. He was brash and incredibly intelligent. He her think about every word she spoke, every thought had. He had already changed her life. She wasn't sure if for the better. at had once seemed simple suddenly was quite corn- gazed at her expectantly. "It will be a better world for Annette. That I can promise you." 'A tremenduous pressure began at the base of Annette's 185

Catherine Lanigan neck; she felt as if her head were being crushed in a vise. It took all her energy to beat back the familiar waves of pain. "I ... I'm not sure I have that much courage." "I'm sure," he said resolutely with an encouraging smile. Annette didn't want to be sick anymore. She was too young to be plagued with illness. She was just beginning to realize that there was a great deal about life that she knew nothing about. It was a frightening adventure she was about to undertake, but the alternative-the life of a near recluse-was all too familiar. When she'd re-examined the questions he'd asked her she hadn't known the answers. What would she do if Susan came home? Would she say the wrong things? Would she do something to push Susan away again? Annette didn't know what it was she'd done to make Susan leave her this time, and maybe once she understood that she would learn how to relate to her daughter in the future. The thought of never seeing Susan again was unbearable. "I want to love my daughter, not control her. I want to hold my grandson again," Annette finally said. "Then I'll see you next week?" "Yes," Annette replied with a kind of hope she had never felt before. 186 Chapter Nineteen --t Roberts hadn't found Jilly Bob Perkins at the hotel off the Southwest Freeway in Houston where he y rented a room during his layovers, but instead him down to the Westin Hotel in the Galleria. rts parked his car in the lot ofone of the most exclu- ing malls in the United States and entered the plush lobby. He went to the reservations desk and asked to to the manager. woman dressed sharply in a black suit, her hair pulled back in a French twist greeted Roberts with informed her of his identity, showed her his badge and als, and then asked whether Jilly Bob Perkins had tered with their hotel. I'm not at liberty to tell you which room he's in. Our rely on us to protect their privacy." s took out a handkerchief and wiped the perspiration his balding head. "Well, I just thought I'd ask, this 187

Catherine Lanigan being a reputable hotel and all. I know he's here because-the manager at the Day Lite Inn on the Southwest Freeway told me Mr. Perkins was forwarding all his calls over here." Roberts turned around and indicated the row of pay phones against the wall. "Now, all I have to do is go over there to that phone booth, place a call to your hotel operator, ask to be put through to Mr. Perkins's room, and if he's there, he'll tell me his room number." :'And if he isn't in, you've accomplished nothing." 'Precisely right. Wasted my time. I don't want to do that. You see," Lieutenant Roberts looked at the woman's name tag, "Ms. Arnold, I'm trying to find a missing woman and her seven-year-old son. Mr. Perkins was the bus driver who brought her to Houston. I was hoping he could help us find her. That's all. Mr. Perkins isn't in any kind of trouble. Your hotel isn't in jeopardy of bad publicity or shoot outs, or any of that kind of thing." Ms. Arnold breathed a visible sigh of relief. "In that case, Lieutenant Roberts, perhaps we could bend the rules a bit." "I would be most appreciative." Roberts waited while the woman checked her computer log. "He's in room six-twenty-two. The elevators are to your right." "Thank you very much," Roberts said graciously as he headed toward the bank of elevators. Roberts entered the nurTored and polished brass elevator and rode to the sixth floor. He knocked lightly on the door marked 622. The door was opened almost immediately. The pleasant-looking man with prematurely balding dark hair and an infectious grin presented his hand immediately to Lieutenant Roberts. "Jilly Bob Perkins. Are you one of the reporters?" Roberts was taken aback. "Reporters?" "From People or from USA Today? The local newpaper fellas have already lek so I know you aren't one of them," 188 Becoming liaid, hooking his thumbs-in his suspenders. here to ask questions, but I'm not from the press," started to explain. He was about to reach into his @t-fbr his badge, but Jilly Bob grabbed his arm and him into the room. don't be standin' out there in the hallway. C'mon a seat," Jilly Bob said jovially. "What can I get for ? Water? I had them bring me up plenty of ice. No though. I don't drink. Never have. Never will." soda will be fine." Caught off guard by Jilly Bob's veness, Roberts stole a few moments while Jilly Bob ice in a glass and poured a soft drink to take stock of .Man who might be his only real hope of finding Susan Robbie Kidd. Jilly Bob looked to be in his nlid-to-late His features were sharp and angular, yet his mouth -full and friendly. He wasn't quite six foot tall, slender athletic-looking shoulders and back. His clothes weren't asive, but they'd been selected with a good eye and ex- t taste. He looked more like a stockbroker than a bus berts accepted the glass and

mentally discarded everyRaymond Gorman had told him about Jilly Bob Perkins. nank you," Roberts said. "If you don't mind my askwhy are reporters coming to see you?" Because of the television, special I'm on." rts nearly choked on his soda. "You? When?" Tomorrow night," Jilly Bob answered proudly. "That's I took this room. I don't have a place in town, but Housis where the action is, as far as publicity goes. I can't ve how nice everyone has been to me. I thought they'd me like a nut case, the way everybody I work with does. you know," he scooted to the edge of his seat and looked tenant Roberts square in the eye, "I think the time has e when people like me are more the norm than anyone thought. The time is right." 189

Caffierine Lanigan Roberts leaned away from Jilly Bob. "YoWre talking about the aliens." "Exactly." Jilly Bob stared at Lieutenant Roberts. "You need to watch the special; it will blow your mind. Since the time I was three I've been abducted by these silvery-looking people; in fact, they almost look like us, but not quite. Other abductees describe them as little, ugly gray people, but mine weren't. They never hurt me. They didn't poke, slice, or dice. They told me how their planet blew up due to a meteor shower that hit a series of their nuclear reactor plants. Some of them escaped into spaceships, and they've been waiting out there in our galaxy for the right time to colonize here on earth. They call themselves the Janos People." Jilly Bob suddenly realized that Roberts wasn't taking any notes. "Say, if you aren't a reporter, who are you?'9 The lieutenant placed his drink on the table and reached for his badge. "Lieutenant Nathanial Roberts from New Orleans. I'm investigating a missing persons case-a young woman and her son. I was told by your co-worker, Raymond Gorman, that you drove the bus she took to Houston the night of June ninth." He pulled out a picture of Susan. Jilly Bob, frowned. "I thought you were a writer or something. Maybe a novelist. I heard that sometimes they crash these press conferences to get ideas. Aren't you a little old to be a cop?" "You don9t look like a bus driver, either, Mr. Perkins," Roberts bandied back. "That's because I've only been doing this for a year. I got laid off at Compaq. I was a computer programmer for specialized businesses before that," Jilly Bob explained. "Raymond Gorman has been a thom in my side since the day I started at the line. I think he's threatened by me." "I see.- "The bus line is only temporary until I find something else. I suppose he told you I don't have a place to live and that 1 190 Becoming fleabag hotel on, the Southwest fWeway the all mething like that." Roberts took out a notepad and pen -his jacket pocket and began writing notes. lost my house and my wife in 'eighty-seven during the ... Wal I Street crash. I've been saving every dime I can if I ever lose another job, I'll never have to go through .again. Of course, this,room cost quite a bit, but I can it." ly Bob looked down at the photo. "It's so strange that 'bring tip this woman now." 'Why is that?" ecause I do remember her getting on the bus, and she A little boy with her. Never having had any children, I t key into them very well. So, I couldn't tell you much t him." ere's a picture of Robbie." Roberts handed Jilly Bob a )graph. ute kid. It was the strangest thing about her. She got on Ii.bus, but she didn't get off. We made a stop in Nacogs, but I clearly remember her getting back on the bus. nk she vanished." 7hat's impossible.- .'No, it's not. People vanish for hours at a time every day.

night. I have.,, e aliens, right?" 'Exactly." Jilly Bob smiled at Lieutenant Robberts as if older man knew precisely what he meant. berts shook his head. "Susan Kidd disappeared all right, not on about that night? k about who else was on alone?" illy Bob rubbed his chin with his little boy left with a woman. But she had dressed like a rock star groupie." 191

a spaceship. Could you think the bus? Did Robbie leave the thumb and forefinger. o, the very short k hair and was

Cadierine Lanigan Roberts snapped his tingers. "Why didn't I think of that?, Jilly Bob shook his head. "What are you talking abouff "A disguise. There's a bathroom on your bus, isn't there?" "Why, yes. Of course." "Susan went to the bathroom, cut her hair, dyed it black, changed her clothes and-- Jilly Bob looked crestfallen. "You mean she didn't vanish that night? She was on the bus all the time?" "That's my guess." "I'll be damned. Here all this time I thought she was an- other abductee." Roberts reached for the photographs of Susan and Robbie. "No, she's just a person in trouble." Jilly Bob Perkins peered deeply into the old man's face. "Is she a relative?" "No. Jusi a case I'm working on." "I realize you think I'm a bit wacko-aliens aren't exactly in the mainstream-but I want you to know that I wish you all the luck in the world finding Susan. She's not just another case to you. It's evident you care for her a great deal." Roberts was uncomfortable'talking about his emotions with a stranger. He stood quickly and started out of the room. "Good luck on your interviews, Mr. Perkins." Jilly Bob Perkins extended his hand to Roberts. "It's time the word got out, Lieutenant. I'm just a vehicle for God's work. ::God? I thought we were talking about aliens.. They're the same thing. Parts of the whole, Lieutenant. Roberts couldn't get to the door fast enough. As he rode the elevator to the lobby and then walked out into the hot Houston sunshine, he thought about the intelligent man who had clearly lost a large portion of his brain. And yet that same lunatic had provided him with his best lead. Susan was in Houston. Chapter Twenty the hell have you been? And what in the Sam Hill ",YOU think you're doing?" Captain Michaud barked when Roberts -telephoned the precinct. ve got a hot lead on the Susan Kidd case," was all nant Roberts would say. @,'She's crossed the state line, hasn't she, Nate?" rts's face twisted into a grimace. If he told Jess the his superior would call in the FBI, and he would tell Kidd and Bart Beaulieu the truth. If he lied, he'd lose his Roberts was used to this space here between the rock the hard spot. He coughed twice and filled his mouth spittle. He used it to imitate, a crackling sound over the "What's that, Jess? I can't hear you, Captain. Must N",something wrong with the line."

"Cut the crap, Roberts. Tell me where you are." J think this girl is smarter than we think," Roberts said een his crackling noises. "She went to Denver. Then she A@ back to Little Rock. I've been all over the damn map 193

Catherine Lanigan trying to find her and it turns out she's back in Baton Rouge." "No joke?" "Yes, sir. I was wondering if I could have another day or two on this one, sir. I sure could use the time. It would make a big difference if I could bring that girl back home." "Why do I get the feeling you're pulling a weasel deal on me, Nate?" "No weasel deal. I'm just trying to find this girl. Gimme some time," Roberts pleaded. "Goddammit, Nate, when you pull out the hearts and flowers there's no stopping you, is there?" "No, sir." "Forty-eight hours. But only if you tell me where you are," Captain Michaud insisted. Sergeant Roberts began his crackling noises again. "Fortyeight hours is better than nothing, I guess. Thanks, Captain," he said and hung up the phone. Roberts drove to the Houston Bus Terminal, parked the car, and stood outside the station, looking at the city scenes as if he were seeing everything from Susan and Robbie's point of view. They must have stood on this very spot, he thought as he looked at the homeless people sitting across the street. He watched as a group of people waited for a city bus to take them to their homes after their work day downtown. He snapped his fingers. "Susan would take another bus." He watched as the bus filled with people closed its doors, belched black exhaust fumes, and lumbered into the traffic. He noted the sunny skies, the half-scraped billboards that filled empty lots that were once buildings and were not yet parking lots. He glanced around to see a pair of young black boys on roller blades coming toward him. He backed up to get out of their way and scraped his heel on the blue-painted metal of a newspaper vending machine. Four decades of policework had taught Nate Roberts that 194 Becoming st way to apprehend a criminal or missing person was ,becorne that person. He intended to occupy their spaces, gh at another time, and imagine what it was like to see world through their eyes. He allowed his instincts and ition to take over at these times; he didn't use his logic. used a now familiar force that lived both within and withhis body to guide him to the person he was seeking. en Roberts scraped his heel on the metal newsstand he w intuitively that Susan had bought a newspaper. P,-He reached in his pocket for the proper change and inserted in the slot. Tuning out his logic and allowing his creative, stigative powers to take over, he began flipping through pages. He stopped at the real estate section. :,"Bingo," he breathed aloud. He scanned the columns. If were Susan, she would need first of

all a place that allowed en. He threw the rest of the newspaper in the trash barrel the comer and kept the apartment section. He took out his and began marking the least expensive apartments first. Twenty minutes later his list included more than half of all apartment complexes in the city and the suffounding ar- "Hell, it will take me months to go to all these places." He took out his handkerchief and wiped the sweat from his . He only had forty-eight hours to find Susan and ie. He walked back to his car, unlocked the door, and in. He turned the air-conditioner on to "Max." Forty-eight hours. I'll never make it. It's like pissing in wind." Susan recovered from surgery at a remarkable speed. The signed her release papers only two and a half days r the operation; the hospital needed the bed. Susan's room was occupied by three other female patients barely got to know one another before they were sent Susan felt as if she'd been run over by a Mack truck. The 195

Catherine Lanigan Staples across her six-inch incision pulled but didn't hurt bec u aIse her skin felt numb. A dull, throbbing ache washed and ebbed through her abdomen. Worst of all was her lack of energy. Dressing to leave was a major undertaking. Susan was sliding her feet into her shoes when a nurse arrived with the hospital bill. "You'll need to stop at the cashier's office before you leave," the woman said curtly and left. Susan took one look at the three-page bill for surgery, an- esthetics, bandages, IVs, pain medication, cotton swabs, and room charges and nearly lost her balance. "Six thousand dollars?" She held her stomach as she lowered herself carefully to the bed. "Where am I going to get that kind of money?" Susan looked at the woman in the bed next to her, who was also dressing to leave that morning. "I thought this was a charity hospital." She laughed derisively. "So, you believe those fairy tales, too, huh?" "I need to find out about this." The prematurely gray-haired woman with dark circles under her eyes finished buttoning her blouse. "You won't have to pay all of it, at least not right now. I've had t tions in this hospital and really, they're pretty good about payments and such. I've had to raise three kids by myself and it ain't easy." Susan's head lifted quickly. "I'm learning that very quickly," she said sadly. The woman smiled. "My name's Anna. What's yours?" "Star Kaiser." Susan smiled. "Neat name. Make it up yourself?" Anna's grin was filled with wisdom. "Yeah," Susan replied, looking into Anna's nearly black eyes. "I left my husband a little over a month ago." Anna looked off into the distance and straightened her neck. Susan couldn't tell whether the woman was thirty or 196 Becoming xty. She was one of those ageless people who tended to .look old when they were young and young when they were old. "I left my husband fifteen years ago. It's been damn hard trying to keep a job, keep the kids clotheo, housed, and fed, @:much less raise them to be decent people. I never seem to have any time for myself, and there's never enough money at the end of the month. If you know what I mean." "How well I do." Anna looked back at Susan. "But ycu know what? I wouldn't go back to that son of a bitch who beat me for a million bucks. A billion bucks. It's been tough for me, but it's been a road filled with miracles. I've got three of the best kids

in the world. Put 'em through school, got two college graduates already, and Jennifer will finish next year. She says she wants to be a doctor. Can you imagine that?" Susan's eyes were filled with wonder. "How did you do it?" "The schooling?" Susan nodded. "There are all kinds of grants and loans for that. But I made those kids bust their butts for good grades in junior high and high school so they could get scholarships"" Anna said resolutely. "You know, I think sometimes we go through bad times--even depression and self-doubt, certainly finantial losses-not for ourselves or what we get out of it, but for other people." "I don't understand," Susan said. "Like when I Just like he they saw how something of

was with my ex; my kids was. They just imitated hard I had to work they their lives. And that's

were mouthy, lazy, and selfish. their dad is all. When I left and Pitched right in. They've all made saying a lot."

"It certainly is." Susan was dumbstruck by Anna's insight into her life. Every word she spoke reverberated in Susan's 197

Catber,ine Lanigan head. Intuition told her that she would never forget Anna-or her outlook on.life. "Jen is picking me up today. You'll get to meet her." "I'm looking forward to it." Susan looked back at the bill. "I guess I'd better figure out what to do about this." Micaela had been thoughtful enough to bring Susan's purse, a few cosmetics, and a change of clothes. Susan found some change in her wallet that she could use for the pay telephone at the end of the hall. Susan placed the quarter in the phone and dialed Micaela's apartment. Since it was still early on a Saturday she had a good chance of finding her at home. The phone was picked up on the second ring. "Micaela, I'm glad you haven't left yet to come pick me UP." "You said noon, right?" "Yes. It's fine. I just need you to do me a favor before you come down here." "Sure." "You still have the key to my apartment I gave you?" "Yeah, sure. It's on my key ring." "Good. Would you go over there, please? In my refrigerator is a jar of mayonnaise. Inside the jar is a plastic zip bag with some money. Could you bring that money to me? I need to pay my, bill with it." "You keep your money in the mayonnaise?" "Yeah." "Gees, girl. How many times do I have to tell you ... put it in the bank! How can you earn interest if you don't put the money in the bank?" Susan began laughing. "Always the businesswoman, huh, Micaela." "I guess." "I can leave anytime they tell me. We'll have to spend 198 Becoming sei up time at the cashier's office. I'm told they'll a payment plan for me." "Great. You can establish credit then." "Why do I not feel happy about this?" "Look on the bright side: Before you know it Visa will be sending you a card issued to Star Kaiser. You're on your way, baby-" Susan chortled and said, "I'll see you soon, Micaela." She hung up the phone.

With Micaela's help Susan lowered herself into the car and buckled the seat belt. "God, I feel like I'll never be able to work again." "Oh, sure you will. You have to!" "No kidding," Susan replied as they drove away from the hospital. Micaela shook her head disbelievingly. "I can't believe you had almost three thousand dollars in that Baggie." "Yeah, well, I don't anymore," Susan said, discouraged. "That was my only nest egg. My backup money." Susan had paid the h pital two thousand dollars, which was all she thought she could pay right then. Since she wasn't allowed to drive, lift, or carry anything for,six weeks it would be difficult going back to work. She would need the remaining nine hundred dollars to pay for food, the lights, and the water bill while she was out of work. Now that the summer's heat was causing her to run her air conditioner, Susan knew her electric bill would be close to two hundred dollars before the end of July. She hoped she continued to recover quickly so she could go back to work in three weeks instead of six. "So," Micaela shrugged her shoulder, "this was one of those times you needed it. Aren't you glad you had it? And that woman in the office was really nice, keeping your monthly payments to twenty bucks." "It'll take me the rest of my life to pay that off." 199

Cathedne Lanigan "So, who cares? So what? So, you're healthy again and you can make more money. You're gonna be fine." Susan smiled at her friend and remembered Anna's words. Susan's road had already been paved with miracles. Andie was one of her miracles; Micaela was another. Susan had never thought much about her own life and her role in the world before she left Jim. Now she thought about it all the time. She was struggling to survive and to stay hidden, but at the same time she and Robbie were growing. They could no longer depend on the Beaulieu name to provide them with instant social acquaintances or fast credit at the department stores. Her father's name and position didn't automatically get her into the best doctors, the way it did her mother. T'his was another world for Susan. Some of it was frightening and all,of it was unknown territory, but it was Susan's world and no one else's. At this time, when she should be most fearful, with no money, and physically unable to work, she was filled with hope. She had found the meaning of true friendship ... people who care about each other and helped one another through life. Susan's eyes were filled with emotion when she looked over at Micaela. "You know what, Micaela? You're the best friend I've ever had. The best." 200 Chapter Twenty-one n Roberts had erroneously assumed that Susan stay close in to the city when choosing an apartment. ,-had utilized nearly his first twenty-four hours combing apartment complex that allowed children inside the 610 Outside the loop were over two and a half million e. His haystack had grown and his needle was buried than he'd anticipated. ile conducting his search, Roberts telephoned his assisback at the precinct and asked him to run a trace through police files in Houston on all Jane Does. Ii'You think she's dead, Nate?" Brian asked. never know, but I want every Susan they've got. k the name Kidd, also." He paused. "Brian, tell them try any name with the initials S and K. And to try them e too. Check the hospitals." Will do." I'll be back in the morning," Roberts said. "Good thing. The capt'n is breathing fire already." 201

Catherine Lanigan "Don't let him get your goat. He's always like that." "Just where you're concerned.- Brian laughed. "I do keep him on his toes." "Where are you, anyway, Nate?" "Houston. But don't tell the old man." Brian laughed. "I won't tell the captain you said he was old." "I'll talk to you later, Brian." Roberts hung up the phone. He knew that all too soon he would have to report Susan and Robbie to the Houston Police Department. Their names and faces would be circulated around town, and the cat would be out of the bag that Susan had kidnapped Robbie. 'Me feds would come in and muck up everyone's lives, especially his. Susan would see her picture on a flyer or the Evening News and she would do what every runaway has done before; she would run again. She would go to another city, another state. She would bury herself deeper into one of a half dozen subcultures and he'd never find her. He had to find her now. Roberts picked up the newspaper real section he'd bought yesterday when he first came to Houston. a little boy, which one of these places would appeal to him? from ad to ad. He wiped the sweat from his balding head with handkerchief.

estate If he were He glanced his

"Bingo!" Quickly, he scanned the ads again and circled every complex with a swimming pool. He crossed out every ad not accompanied by a photograph. Little boys watched television and played computer and video games, and they didn't read fine print. Maybe their mothers did the reading, but little boys were visually oriented. It was his guess that when it came to choosing a place to live, Robbie would have had a tremendous influence on his mother. Outside the Loop most of the apartment complexes were located to the north and the west. It was a shot in the dark, 202 Becoming berts chose to head straight north up 1-45 and follow @'ity bus route. njamm David Weinstein had graduated from the Uni- @i of Texas in Austin eight weeks prior to his first as- nt for Tate Rawlings, his new and only employer. .n's degree in fine arts hadn't helped him much in a job. Of course, he'd never intended for his education anything more for him than keep him out of his father's and his mother's control for four years. Graduation had him into shock. Benjamin had planned to go to graduate 1, maybe earn a Ph.D. and teach literature at a college where back east. He had planned for his father to pay his tuition and his room and board. However, after four without Benjamin in the house, his father and mother found they liked their new lifestyle. They now believed it was time for Benjamin to grow up and assume re- ibility for his own life. If he chose graduate school as goal, Benjamin's father told him, he would have to earn -money to pay for it. enjamin was not only shocked but incensed. He felt his were dealing him a raw hand. They gave him a used and a thousand dollars for his graduation present, but was all. Benjamin thought them cheap. ,, er set Benjamin on a fast track. Very

quickly he found most college graduates had sent out their r6sumds months Not only did Benjamin not have a job, he didn't know kind of job he wanted. Benjaniin found he was over- ated, underexperienced, and his interviewing skills stunk. njamin went to an employment agency and agreed to enormous fees because they were the first people who helped him put real direction in his life. Says here you like to read mystery novels," the agency sentative said as he read over Benjamin's r6sum6. 203

Catherine Lanigan "Sure do. I managed to read one a week even while taking twenty-one hours at UT." "Impressive." The man raised his eyebrows appreciatively. "It just so happens that we have a new client who is looking for someone with your credentials." "I don't believe it," Benjamin replied. The agent reached into a three-tiered plastic bin on his desk for a yellow color-coded file and opened it. "Tate Rawlings' pnvate detective agency out of New Orleans, is looking for someone young, college-educated, neat in appearance who owns his own car." Benjamin had to grasp the edge of the desk to keep from leaping out of his seat with joy. "I've got a car. " "They pay you by the job, car expenses, phone bills, meals, hotels if necessary, and they even have a health plan," the agent read aloud with awe in his voice. Benjamin had never had a job in his life other than mowing the lawn. "Is that good?" "Health insurance? You bet. You never see that these days. I know it doesn't sound like real steady work, but it"s a be-ginning. We can keep looking for you.", "Okay. I'll take it." Benjamin David Weinstein's first assignment from Tate Rawlings was to find Susan Kidd. Benjamin was faxed via the agency a ten-page list of instructions on precisely how he was to go about tracking down a missing person. All criminal accounts would be handled by two other Rawlings investigators, both former policemen. Benjamin was given the names, addresses, and phone numbers of the other agents in the event he needed more guidance or assistance. However, missing persons, it was believed, could be found quite simply by following the corporate checklist. Rawlings himself arranged for a ten o'clock phone conference with Benjamin at his new apartment in Meyerland on the near southwest side of Houston. 204 Becoming "Glad to meet you, sir," Benjamin said'crisply. @"Here, too, Benjamin. They tell me at the agency that you our kind of man." "I certainly hope so, sir." "Now, Benjamin, I know you must be thinking, what in world are those people in New Orleans doing, hiring an xperienced college graduate. Well, I'll tell you. A young like yourself has a great deal to offer my company be- .','@bause you have no experience. I want you to learn the invesgative business my way. We have a system and it works. hortly, I will arrange for a computer and fax machine to be nt to you with our company programs already installed." "That's very generous of you, sir."

"Not at all. Can't do the work properly without proper already had the best training in the world for Is. You've y business." "I have, sir?" "You read mystery novels, I understand," Rawlings said. "Hundreds.- "Then you have proven that your mind works well at uneling puzzles. That's all this is ... a puzzle. We find missg persons and reunite them with their loved ones. Once you .-find Mrs. Kidd, do nothing. Do not approach her. Do not talk to her.' "I read that in the fax you sent." "Cardinal rule around here. All you do is call us and we'll J form the family. Should you approach Mrs. Kidd, it might ghten her and she will simply run again.'9 Benjamin took notes in his brand-new wine-colored leather aytimer. "But, sir.. ." Benjamin scratched his head. "If usan ran away from her fandly once and she's forced to go 'back, won't she just run away again?" Rawlings laughed. "We certainly hope so, Benjamin. We've got a responsibility to keep you employed, now don't 205

Catherine Lanigan "I never thought ofit that way, sir." "Well, time you did. Anyway, we have discovered that Mrs. Kidd and her son, Robbie, are there in Houston." "That's great, sir. How did you find that out?" Benjamin asked naively. "I don't usually share corporate secrets, but we have a source at the New Orleans Police Department who keeps us well informed on many fronts. Costs us a great deal of money, but it's worth it." "Good going, sir," Benjamin replied with false joviality, stopping himself from making any comments about the cor- ruption in the police department. He'd heard of guys on the take, but in the novels he'd read such dealings always involved criminals and drugs. This was a woman and a little boy. The situation seemed dirtier somehow. "There is a Lieutenant Roberts from the New Orleans Police Department there in Houston now looking for Mrs. Kidd. He's on his own time, I understand, but try to stay out of his way. We wouldn't want him to know about our involvement. Lieutenant Roberts has already Jnvestigated all the apartment complexes inside the Loop that permit children, and Mrs. Kidd was nowhere to be seen. I have faxed you photographs of both Mrs. Kidd and Robbie. Take these around with you. Just follow our simple steps.and you'll find Mrs. Kidd for us." "Yes, sir." "Call the office if you need us, or my beeper. But please, Benjamin, not on Saturday nights; my wife and I attend the opera on Saturdays." "No problem, sir," Benjamin said and signed off. Benjamin David Weinstein paid no attention to the chill in his veins or the raised hairs on the back of his neck, which told him that something was amiss with his employer, who not only had the New Orleans police on his payroll but whose cavalier approach to human tragedy was making him rich. 206 V Becoming njamin was twenty-two years old and he was already with his first true moral dilemma. The best thing to do times like this was to put on his numing shoes and hit the .g trail. As he put on his royal blue shorts and tied the s of his shoes, Benjamin realized that today he'd grown It was none of his business why Susan Kidd ran away home and kidnapped her son across state lines. If he'd the father of that little boy, he would have been plenty , too. Benjamin stuck his arms into his UT T-shirt walked out of the apartment knowing that he was doing right thing by bringing the Kidd family back together As he hit the jogging trail and fell into an easy rhythm, he 'ded he would expedite matters by junking the Tate Raw- 14systern" of ten easy ways to trap your prey, as Benn now called the ten pages his employer had faxed to and do it his own way. The first thing he would do was check out the car rental anies and find Lieutenant Roberts. There was no doubt Benjamin's mind that Susan Kidd was using an alias by . Then he would call every apartment complex outside loop and find out where Lieutenant Roberts had gone. "Find Roberts and I find the girl." Benjamin had always believed in short cuts. They worked well.

207

Cbapter Twenty-two It had been over a month since Susan had come home from ,the hospital. She'd recovered rapidly, but still she hadn't been back to work. She was out of money and, in fact, had just spent her last forty dollars on'the groceries she now carried across Kuykendahl Road. She waited for the traffic to pass and then walked across the grass to her complex. Susan didn't venture out much these days unless it was absolutely necessary. Just after she'd come home from the hospital a policeman from New Orleans had come to the complex and had shown pictures of herself and Robbie to Andie. "God bless her," Susan said to herself aloud. Andie had lied for them. The policeman had left and not returned. Susan had talked to Sandra and was assured of going back to work in another week. She hated being so broke, but she would hang on till then. She had friends. She and Robbie wouldn't starve. Susan rounded the comer and slipped past a patch of shoulder-high bushes pruned to perfection. Suddenly she stopped 208 in her twks; Waiting, at the bottom of the steps that led her apartment was Jim. tly ,,"-He was Pacing back and forth. A scowl had permanen wed into his face. He looked older to her, as if her leavhad taken a toll on him. She'd never seen his face wear much worry and anger. She watched him jam his hands his pants pockets, look up at her door and then kick the railing. She couldn't tell whither he'd been drinking, but didn't Mauer. He looked to her as if he would tear the world She didn't want to be around when that happened. 'I'll ,,,Oh, God! I have to get away! She turned and hid behind ligustrum hedge. Her eyes quickly scanned the complex, ng for safety. Her heart was beating rapidly. Her mouth nt dry and her hands grew clammy. Her mind was whirling fear and incredulity. She had Robbie to think of. "Robbie! He was with Micaela. They had gone to the video to rent a movie. Micaela had promised he could see The n King. Robbie had been so excited. Her mind was still in shock, knowing that Jim was in Hous- He was only a few feet away from her. How had he nd her? Had Andie tipped off that policeman? No, she ought. That had been weeks ago. Someone else must have ld Jim. She wouldn't have thought he'd waste his money a private detective, but obviously he had. She felt worse than a cornered fox. She dropped the groceries. She had to find Robbie before im did. She slipped slowly away from her hiding place and nt toward the parking lot. When Micaela returned she ould be the first to see her. She crouched behind a parked car and waited. What did Jim intend to do once he found her? Did he think would go back? After this much time he must be furiously gry. She knew Jim, knew how he overreacted to work prob209

@ Cadberine. lAnigan lems. She'd folt his fury before. She knew be would wAnt to kill her. Susan no more than thought the words than Jim walked out from between the buildings. It was almost as if he could smell her, sense her presence somehow. Jim shielded his eyes from the blinding sun as he scanned every car in the parking lot. "Please don't look over here," Susan prayed to herself "Please don't..." Just then Susan saw Micaela's car pull into the driveway. She saw Robbie in the front seat, talking to Micaela. "Oh, God! Not now!" Susan whispered to herself Susan looked back at Jim. He was looking in her direction but couldn't see her. Susan thought her heart would explode. Micaela drove closer to the parking spot she always occupied, only three spaces over from where Susan was biding. Jim looked back at the car coming toward him. The sun blinded Jim momentarily. He dropped his hand and rubbed his eyes. Just then, Andie walked out from between the buildings, callmig Jim's name. "Oh, there you are, Mr. Kidd. I was thinking, it's gettin' quite hot out here; wouldn't you care for some iced tea while you wait? It could be another twenty minutes or so, and I just made a gallon." She walked up to him and coaxed him away from the approaching car by taking his arm. "I have some tuna sandwiches, too." "Well, I don't think I should..." "Oh, don't be that way. I know you've had a long drive over here from N'Orleans, and you want to be fresh for your family reunion." Andie drawled on. "I just luuuve the thought of you bein' with your family again." Andie took a reluctant Jim with her and kept up a prattle about the southern pecan cookies she'd made. Jim was clearly not prepared for her hospitality, but Andie made it impossible 210 Becoming her down. Just before they3 disappeared into the of the buildings, Andie looked back over her shoulder winked at Susan. sum expelled a deep sigh of relief. She quickly went rush- toward Micaela's car and flagged her down. la stopped the car and Susan got into the back seat. Drive away quickly, Micaela. aela didn't hesitate. She spun the car around and indy headed out of the parking lot and back onto KuykenRoad. :,"What's the matter, Mommy?" There was a tremor in ie's voice that instantly made Susan feel guilty. '@4'We have to run away again, Robbie." She touched his His eyes were filled with terror, and she hated herself putting it there. It couldn't be helped right now, she told If, but she didn't feel one iota of relief Someday I'm ing to get my life straightened out so that Robbie and I can like nomial people. I can't keep yanking him aroundfrom r to post. This

is wrong. Wrong. Wrong. "Where to?" Micaela asked. "I don't know," Susan replied, nearly on the verge of "We have to be safe this time. I have no money. No to go. I need someplace where no one can ever, ever me.11 Micaela pulled up to the stop light. She was silent for a long moment. "I've heard of a place, down in the center of wn. It's a shelter. 1.0h, God." Susan felt as if she'd dropped off the earth. 1... I can't go to a shelter." "Like the ones they have on TV on Thanksgiving Day?" bie asked. Micaela nodded. "Ibis one is pretty special. I had a friend ho went there, and you know what? She said it changed her 11 Susan felt something inside her snap. it was the sound of 211

Catherine Lanigan lost hope. She'dbeen so convinced whewshe left Jim , and New Orleans that she could make it. She'd been optimistic, even pretended she was on an adventure. But the operation and the loss of her money, plus knowing Jim could find her so easily had terrorized her. It was apparent Jim had found a crackerjack detective who would hunt her down no matter where she went. Would she have to keep running all her life? Would it never end for them? Susan put her face in her hands and cried. Robbie unhooked his seat belt and leaned over the seat. "Don't cry, Mommy." Micaela looked at Susan in the rearview mirror. "Everything is going to be okay, Star. Honest! This is a great place. It's called Star of Hope." Micaela paused. "Hey, wow! And your name is Star! Wow!" Robbie was confused. "What's so great about that?" Susan instantly stopped crying. She looked at Robbie and kissed his cheek. She caught Micaela's eye in the rearveiw mirror and smiled. "She means it's a sign, Robbie." "A sign of what?" Susan smiled at her son. "That everything will be all right." Andie handed Jim a second tuna fish sandwich and glanced at the clock. It had been nearly an hour since Micaela had left with Susan and Robbie. "I just luuuuv a man with an appetite." She patted his shoulder. "More tea, honey?" "No, thanks." Jim looked at his watch. "Did my wife tell you anything about me?" Andie dropped her smile and threw him a bluntly accusing look. "Only that you beat the hell out of her. That about right?" Jim's shoulders slumped. "Yes. I've got to find her. I want to explain to her that I don't want to press charges about her 212 Becoming across state lines, but if she doesn't come back lice will be on their own. I want to explain to at in sorry. If she comes back, we can put everything the way it was. I don't want her family to know . . . "You want her to lie to her parents? For your sake, I supT, Y'@'! 'Well, I ... Yes." "You are a piece of work. Get out of my office." Andie to the door and opened it. Though he was startled at Andie's turnabout attitude to- him, he understood it. He felt riddled with guilt and ultaneously wanted to dress her down for throwing him t. He went to the door. "I'm not leaving here until I find her." "Fine. Just don't do it on my property or my time."

"I'll wait across the street. She has to come back some- Andie smiled. "We'll see." When she shut the door Jim heard her turn the dead bolt. sound made him feel like a felon. Jim went to his car and drove it out of the parking lot and ross the street. He parked his car in the strip center parking told himself he didn't care how long he had to wait. ut deep down he knew his patience was growing thin. Very The Star of Hope Mission was nothing like Susan had exted. Micaela parked the car under an oak tree in front of large sand-colored stone building with sparkling glass rs. Susan looked up at the huge building. "I didn't think it would be so well cared for." Susan could el Micaela's eyes on her. She didn't want to say good-bye her friend, who had helped her in so many ways. Susan ;Vished there were other options for herself and Robbie, but .she'd run out of paths to take. 213

Catheritte Lanigan As if reading his mothers thoughts, Robbie put his arms around Micaela's waist. "I'll miss you." He sighed heavily. "So much." Micaela ran her hand through his hair. "You can't get rid of me that fast, Let's go check this place out." She lifted her face to the sun, forcing back the tears in her eyes. Robbie smiled at Micaela, pretending not to hear the sadness in her voice. "Okay!" Susan, Robbie, and Micaela held hands as they walked up the steps of the Star of Hope. Once inside the air-conditioned building they were met by the smiling face of a woman named Kate Morley. Kate had short brown hair, happy, caring deepset eyes, and a glow in her fiftysomething cheeks that made Susan smile. "Welcome home," Kate said with so much exuberance that Susan felt as if she'd just been hugged. "I ... we..." Susan looked down at Robbie, "need help." "Of course, dear. We all do," Kate said, and put her arm around Susan's shoulder. "I'm so happy you're here." Susan breathed in the woman's warmth and felt her heart being renewed. She turned to Micaela. There were tears in her eyes. "How can I ever thank you?" Micaela grinned back at her. "You just did." Micaela hugged Susan and Robbie and promised to call often. They made tentative plans to go out for Mexican food sometime soon. Susan filled out papers, still using her alias, and told Kate her story. She explained that she had been abused and why she had come to the Star of Hope. "Won't you tell me your real names?" Kate asked. "I'm afraid. My husband may find me." "Just between you and me. Everyone else here will call you Star, if you wish." "It's Susan. And Robbie." 214 Becoming 7

-nodded her head in approval.

"Wen, Susan, I would tell you about the Star of Hope while I show you our house." ,,Kate explained that in 1907 the Star of Hope Mission priy assisted destitute men. Through the decades the mishad grown and begun to include the newly homeless and men, women, and children. The Dowling facility in which Susan and Robbie would live was to 295 families. Kate told Susan that in 1986 they had that the faces of the homeless were becoming er, and that single mothers with children were their t frequent "guests." Kate said that Susan's story wasn't sual, but rather the norm

in the 1990s. "It hurts me to know that so many young women are by their husbands," Kate said. "But it also delights that I can help so many. Every girl I help leaves one less out there I feel I must pray for." Robbie was aghast. "You mean you won't pray for us any- now that we're here?" "Of course I will, but you don't need it so much anyre.11 "I wouldn't go that far," Susan said despondently as they unted the interior stairway to their new "apartment." Kate smiled to herself. "You've begun a new life today, tar. A very good life." Kate opened the door with the key, which she handed to usan. She walked into a cheery room well lit by several ps. 'Me drapes were open on the picture window that down on the interior atrium of the building. The furture had all beendonated, but someone had taken care to .x and match colors as much as possible. The bedroom off ,,,to the right containted a double bed, chest of drawers, and a tstand. There was a picture of the Holy Family on the 'Me galley kitchen was stocked with canned goods, small appliances, linens, pots, pans, and dishes. Kate showed 215

Catherine Lanigan Susan the bathroom with the shower, a cabinet full of clean towels, shampoo, soap, razors, Band-Aids, and toiletries. Nothing seemed to be missing. "We will make arrangements for Robbie to enroll in school in the morning." "That fast?" Susan was surprised. "All tile children are guaranteed to be enrolled within twenty-four hours. Education is paramount here at tile Star of' Hope. Then, once you're settled in, we'll get to work on finding you a job." It was the fir%t time that day that Robbie had smiled. "Mommy! Did you hear that?" "I did, Robbie." Susan shook Kate's hand. "I can't thank you enough."' "It's your turn to be helped, Susan. Someday you'll have your new life and you'll be there to give someone else a helping hand. Just keep your chin up and we'll do the rest." "You make it all sound so easy," Susan said. Kate put her hand on Susan's shoulder. Her eyes were se- rious and penetrating. "What you've been through is enough, Susan. You deserve a rich and wonderful life. Love, happiness, and joy. Things aren't nearly as bad as you might think. You'll see. Your Friend was wise to bring you here." Kate gave Robbie a quick hug and went to the door. "You've had a busy afternoon. Get some rest, freshen up, and fix yourself something to eat. My office is always open. I'll be glad to show you around the rest of the facility. We have many programs you'll want to learn about. There are parties arid garnes for the children. Our activies are printed out weekly on that. sheet over there on the table." She pointed to a table beside an easy chair. "Thank you, Kate, for everything," Susan said as Kate left. When Susan turned around Robbie had left the room and Becoming into the bedroom. She followed him. He was staring at picture on the wall. "That's the Holy Family," Susan said. "I know," Robbie said. "I wish we could be like that." Susan looked at the picture on the wall and realized that am once in all her years with Jim had she ever felt anything boly about their life together. She didn't feel special. She n't feel that her life had any particular meaningfulness. V. Susan put her arms around Robbie and stared at the picture -with him. That's what real families were supposed to be like, she thought to herself'. She could hear Micaela's voice echo in mind. "It's like a sign." Then she heard Kate's voice: 111is is tile beginning of your new life. You deserve a rich .,...and wonderful life. Love,

happiness, and joy." They were foreign sounds to Susan's mind. She hadn't thought ofthcin for years. She decided if she was to begin a new life, she would start with those words. 216 217

Chapter Twenty-three Susan packed a clean but used backpack with new pencils, paper, erasers, ruler, and scissors for Robbie's first day at his new school. She carefully folded the enrollment papers she'd filled out in Kate's office and put1them in an envelope marked ADMMISTRATION. She felt guilty ... again. "It won't always be like this, Robbie. I'm going to find a way so that we can settle down into a real, home. Our home." Robbie stuck his arms through the backpack and settled it on his small shoulders. "I don't like first days, Mommy." -1 know you don't, sweetheart. But this couldn't be helped." "Couldn't I just stay here with you today?" Susan wanted to indulge him, but if she did she would be reneging on her commitment to herself "I'd like to, Robbie, but I have a meeting with Kate about getting me a new job. That's very important to our future." Robbie brightened. "I forgot!" He hugged her. "I don't want to go, but I will. Walk me downstairs?" 218 Becoming course., f Susan took Robbie's hand and followed the crowd of mothers down the stairs and out to the front of the building, where the buses came to pick up the children for school. Susan noticed that several of the young women were dressed in suits and pretty shoes. They were going to work. Suddenly Susan .:.,envied them. She hugged Robbie one last time. "Now remember, when NI.: you go in the building with the other kids you go to the J.?:Administration office on the righthand side of the hall. Here's .,4he little map Kate drew for you." I'1W An eight-year-old black boy had been.standing off to the side, watching Robbie and Susan. He walked right up to RobI.,bie. "This your first day?" "Yeah." Robbie sighed nervously. "I'll show you where to go. My name's Evan. What's yours?" "Max." "C'mon. Let's go!" Evan said and tugged on Robbie's 'am. Susan waited until Robbie was seated on the bus. He sat xt to the window and waved to her. Evan sat next to Robbie d waved jubilantly. "Bye!" both boys yelled through the osed window, laughing to themselves. Susan's misgivings dissipated as she watched Robbie ughing with his new friend. He's going to be fine, she told rself as she walked with the other women back to the mission building. Susan had just walked up the interior set of entry steps hen the glass door behind her burst open. A dark-haired ispanic woman teetered inside the door. Her face was loody and swollen. Blood ran in rivulets down the side of her head where it looked as if she'd been struck with some- ng very heavy. Both eyes were nearly swollen shut and her ttom lip Was split.

219

Catherine Lanigan Susan ran to the woman immediately, took her arm and put it over her shoulder. "Kate!" Susan yelled. She didn't know anyone else's name. "Kate! Help us!" Within moments, Kate, two other women, and a man whom Susan had not met came running out of the office. Kate knew just what to do. "She needs to see the doctor. Julia, will you and Charles help her? I've got Rosalinda in my office, and she needs to see the doctor, too, but this one needs immediate attention." Susan couldn't tell whether the Hispanic woman was fourteen or forty, though she looked a hundred. She was shocked when the woman doubled over in pain and clutched her stomach; Susan could see the outline of a very pregnant abdomen. Susan's hands flew to heir mouth as she sucked in her shock. "He didn't hurt the baby?" Susan spoke her fear aloud. Kate turned to Susan. "We hope not, dear." Julia, a prematurely gray-haired woman of medium height and build with enormous blue eyes, quickly took the Hispanic woman's arm from around Susan's shoulder. "What's your name, dear? Can you talk?" "M . .. Maria." Charles was tall, blond, and strong. He looked like an archangel as he easily bent down and lifted Maria in his arms. He carried her off down the hall as if he did this every day. -Don't be frightened, Maria. We're here to help." Susan felt chills course down her spine as she watched Charles walk down the hall. She had a feeling she would be hearing those words many times before she left Star of Ilope. Kate turned to Susan. "Thank you, Susan." Susan's eyes were wide with awe. "I did ... nothing." Kate smiled at her. "Well, now. We have a great deal of work today. Let's find you a job." Susan shook her head. "Just like that?" Kate nodded. "Mmmmmhmmm." 220 Becoming 51@%.-@'; Kam's office was neat as a pin and twice as sparse. Susan 'kmw immediately that she didn't spend an extra nickel on herself (hat couldn't be spent helping someone else. Kate sat in an old wooden swivel chair behind her desk and pulled out a sheaf of paper%. "Have you ever worked, Susan?" "Only recently, as a maid." Kate was serious when she spoke again. "One of our goals bere at Star of Hope is not to get you just a job. We're more interested in properly directing you toward a career where you can build a new life for yourself' and Robbie. Excuse me, Max. You

don't impress me as the type of person who would be happy over a long period of time being a maid." "it was all I could get." "What would you like to do, Susan? If you could be anything in the world ... a jet pilot ... an actress. a horse ,trainer?" "I never really thought abou( it before. I was just a mother. I was my mother's daughter, doing what she expected of me. -Out through my experiences with Jim, his abuse, my running away, and now today, seeing poor Maria, I think if I could Oo anything, I would want to make the world more just." "Justice. Hmmm. That will take a bit more schooling than :becoming a teacher's aide, but it can be done." "What are you talking about? I haven't taken any law ipourses. I don't even have a degree." "You graduated from high school, I presume." '"Yes. And finished my first year at Tulane. But ... I don't ,even know how to operate a computer. Every job I applied ..:.:for when I first came to Houston required computer skills." Kate brightened. "Then that's where we'll begin." "Excuse me?" "We have been blessed. One of the large computer cornnies in town donated over three dozen computers to the .pa Star of Hope. And, in addition, they provide us with instruc- 221

Catherine Lanigan tors who teach every program you can dunk of @ Susan's old nemesis, the computer, was back, and just the thought of it caused a big lump to settle in her throat. She looked Kate in the eye. The day of reckoning had come for Susan. She couldn't go back. She couldn't go on without learning how to run a computer. "What time is the first class?" Susan asked and successfully swallowed the lump. Susan sat in the front row and stared at the blank screen. Ted Easley stood in front of a roomful of curious and ex- pectant faces. He gave up his noon hour every Monday and Wednesday to come to the Star of Hope to teach these classes. At first he'd been commissioned by his employer to teach the classes. After the first month, when he'd successfully placed half his students with jobs around Houston, Ted had realized the greatest high he got off life was watching these men and women pick up computer skills with lightning speed. He attributed their rapid learning to desire. He learned quickly that these people were no different than he. They were simply down on their luck, usually through no fault of their own. Men who had been laid off and found it difficult to get back into the job market without new skiffs were eager and attentive students. The women in his classes were the last to leave the room and were continually exploring new ways to use the computer once they'd learned the con- cepts. Ted was amazed at the number of women raising children on their own. He thought of his own farrdly and how important his wife and children were to him. He couldn't imagine life without them. Star Kaiser was the first student he'd seen in over a year who was petrified of the computer. When she first snapped on her screen she nearly jumped out of her chair. "It won't bite you, Miss Kaiser!" "I just wasn't ... prepared." 222 w, see the menu on the screen?" list of things?" "Yes those are the programs I've installed." He looked wn at his notes. "You're interested in going into law? A aide?" 'Yes." "71ben let's start you out with simple word processing." Susan smiled. "Simple." She wondered how simple it Id be. "Push the letter E and it will pull up the Word Perfect usan pushed the letter E and the screen changed to a col- one that read woRD PERFF-cT. Tim led her through the series of steps to pull up a blank reen. "On the bottom of your screen it asks whether there ,PC W other backup copies running. Press N for no. Then press .the number two for delete." Susan hit the appropriate keys. The screen came up, and ss the top was a colored menu that Tim explained. "Now type something. Anything." It had been years since Susan's college typing days, but e'd prided herself on always keeping up on her skills over years by typing her recipes, a family Christmas newsletter, even

helping Jim with his weekly and monthly expense ports. Ile typing wasn't the hard part; it was the knowing hat to say off the top of her head that had stumped her. Susan had always been good at letter writing. She wrote to Jong-moved-away sorority sisters and high-school girlfriends. -,@Susan decided to write a letter to her mother. She wrote about her experiences, telling her about her sur- @gery and where she was now. When she had finished two ,,paragraphs Tim, who had been instructing two other women 'About their programs, came back to her desk. Tim explained how to use a mouse and the function of each of the boxes at the top of her screen. Within the first hour 223

Catherine Lanigan Susan learned how to lay oft her page, how to paginate, how, to use the bold and underline feat Iures, spellcheck and the dictionary, and how to "cut and paste." She learned to ad- dress an envelope and how to Use the "mail merge" feature. After Tim left to go back to work Susan stayed at the computer, as did nearly everyone else in her class. Robbie nearly frightened her out of her wits when he said, "Hi, Morniny! How's it goin'T' "What on earth are you doing here? You're supposed to be at school!" Robbie rolled his eyes. "Mommy, it's nearly four o'clock. I went to our apartment and you weren't there. Then I went to Kate's office and she said you were down here. I was going to ask if I can go to the activities center with Evan." Susan touched his arm. She couldn't believe she'd spent the entire afternoon working with the computer. "Sure, sure. You like him, huh, Robbie?" "He's nice. And pretty funny. And I heard they've got karate classes I can sign up for." "Honey, that's wonderful." , "I'll see you later, Mommy!" Robbie kissed her cheek and rushed out of the classroom. I Susan looked at her screen. She'd been so lost in the workings of her computer and in the letter she was writing to her mother, she'd lost all track of time. She used the arrow keys to scroll up to the beginning of the letter and inserted the date: November 1, 1996. It was All Saint's Day, she remembered. She scrolled back to the bottom of the letter and typed the words "I miss you." Then she wrote, "Love, Susan." Susan was amazed at how simple the computer was. Ac- tually, it wasn't much more than a glorified typewriter, at least for her purposes. And that was good. She didn't feel at all intimidated anymore. She glanced over to the colored plastic card that explained 224 K Becollang W. -different functions of the" F key She depressed the :;@'Ilshift" and F7 key, and then, when the screen changed, pushed the number one. Her letter began printing immediately -on the laser printer. "T'his is magic!" She pulled the letter off the printer. How silly she'd been to be frightened of an instrument that 'Could move her from the mundane to the sublime. Best of all, felt comfortable as she moved her mouse around to edit letter. She'd lost all track of time. That was the best sign yet. She e ast. us I ked down at e letter she had written, about to t the last of her effors, and was shaken to her core by P what she read ere. Dear Mother, You must think me a terrible daughter, not calling you or letting you know that Robbie and I are safe, but I couldn't. I know that if I told you where I was, you would tell Jim. You would

want me to come back home, and I just cannot do that. Not now. Not ever. You never believed me when I told you how abusive Jim was. He was too clever and too charming, and he always made you think I was half nuts, or selfish, or just a "princess" whining again like a little girl. But I wasn't being selfish, At least then I wasn't. Now I am being selfish. And I like the hell out of it, Mother. I like not having to live my life for you and your precious standing in the community. If I could have ripped off my clothes and run naked down St. Charles Avenue a couple of times in my life, maybe I would have been more balanced. Instead I just stuck all my pain and humiliation and my need for attention right back 225

Catbiaine, LAnigan down that dark hole m my heart and,stammed a, load door on it. I guess when all my emotions exploded, you, Daddy, Robbie, and even Jim got caught in the fallout. I'm afraid, Mother. I'm afraid to come home. I'm afraid to live the rest of my life with you and your influence. And at the same time I'm afraid to live without it. I'm afraid to live with Jim. It would only take one drink too many and he'd kill me. I can't tell you why I think that, because it's probably an irrational thought. But I feel it, Mother. I feel it to my very soul. When he would sleep at night I would stay awake either crying or trying not to kill him in his sleep. I hate the way he treated me. I hate the way he treated Robbie. I hate myself for believing the things he said about me and to me. He made me feel like crap, Mother. He made me feel I was nothing special and that I owed him somehow for my life. When he controlled the money he controlled our lives. He always had plenty of money for his booze and his toys, cars, and expensive lunches and dinners with his buddies. Robbie and I were last on his list. Until we left. Then all of a sudden he wanted us back. Why? He didn't care for all those years. Why now? He doesn't need us to close his big deal. Or does he? He needs us so he won't lose the stature your name has given him. I never thought that kind of thing was important to anyone, but I was wrong. It's real important. Some people will do just about anything to get that stature. Even marry for it. I don't care if this letter upsets you, Mother. I had to write it. I've been so busy trying to keep Robbie and me 226 Becoming and fed that I haven'thad time tothink about my lings. I cut myself off from my feelings for so long being married to Jim, I forgot what it was like to feel. Now I remember. It hurts, but I think it's a good thing. I wish we could be close, Mother. But we never were. Maybe we should start. In an odd way, I miss you. And I do love you. Love, Susan 227

Chapter Twenty-four New Orleans "She split!" Jim howled to Talc Rawlings, who sat in his elegant chair with his fingers steepled thoughtfully in front of his face. Rawlings was unruffled by Jim's nervous pacing. "I'll have my associate back on the case in fifteen minutes. She couldn't have gone far. I'll bet she's still in the area." "What makes you think that'? She could have taken off for God knows where." "Unlikely. I would bet that she saw you and left in a hurry." Rawlings cranked his head upward and shot Jim one of his formidable accusatory looks. "You did stay undercover as I suggested'?" "I ... Yes! Of course!" Jim retorted, knowing that he'd done nothing of the kind. Jim abhored sitting in parked cars, sitting in stalled traffic, standing in lines of any kind. Jim 228 Becoming van on or foranyone. He had Susan to do that kind If you'd done something stupid like wait outside bw door, one of Susan's friends would have seen you and ormed her. All the money you've spent to this point would it'bave been wasted. Totally." Jim nearly cringed at that. Tate Rawlings knew him too 11 and that pissed him off. "Okay. So what's done is done. lWhere do we go from here?" "We et back on it as fast as possible." Rawlings rose 9 siaciously and smiled charmingly at Jim. "I pride myself on --always being there for my clients, Jim. Please don't worry about a thing. I'll take care of it." Jim felt desperation sink into his bone marrow. "You're my only hope, Tate. I've been living under a lucky star `Iuck doesn't usually last this long. I know the police have J, just about every county in Louisiana. Sooner or later, probably they're going to call in the FBI. I have to 'find Susan first.understand," Rawlings drawled.

and tornbed sooner, "I

"No. I don't think you do. I told you before that Susan ..and I-we've had some domestic problems. If her parents found out ... let's just say they would be more than angry. Mmy could ruin me in New Orleans. I'd be the one who had :to move. I can't risk that. I've spent all these years building my network. I've got a great future if I stay here. Without Susan my future is screwed." "With the spotlight of this nation on domestic abuse, I can !',.certainly see why that light makes you, shall we say, uncomfortable?" "Yes. We could say that, Tate." Rawlings grew reflective for a moment. "I think you need to make another appointment, Jim." "With you?" "No, with an attorney." 229

Catherim Lanigan Jim's stomach lurched. "I don't want an attorney. I just want my wife back." Rawlings sat on the edge of the desk, his expensive Italian wool pants leg perfectly draped over his calfi He folded his hands, placed his two index fingers against each other, and pointed them at Jim. "You have a serious problem, Jim. I don't think Susan will come back and stay. I think she's beyond your control." "That's crazy! She'll come back. She has no place to go ... at least not indefinitely. I figure she's about at the end of her rope. It won't be long," Jim said confidently. Rawlings shook his head. "That's your decision? You want us to keep searching for her?" "Yes." Jim swallowed hard. "I want it on the record that I advised you to procure an attorney." His face was stoic. "Look, Susan is breaking the Jaw here. She went across the goddamn state line with my son." Rawlings shook his head. "I don't care if she went to Mexico. Yes, the law is the law, but you'd have to be blind, deaf, and dumb not to know what's'happening with the media. If the newspapers get a hold of this story-a nice girl like Susan, from a very prominent, very old New Orleans familyGod in heaven, they'll make that ruckus in Los Angeles look like a Sunday afternoon picnic. You don't know this town." "Maybe not." "I know you don't." Jim was getting sicker by the minute. Fear threatened to undercut his confidence. He would have none of it. He needed to stay focused on his goal. He would take care of Susan. "Find her, Tate. Today would be just fine." Jim didn't wait for an answer. He turned and stalked out of the office. The elegant door slammed behind him. Tate abhored temper tantrums, but he was willing to accept this one. The way he viewed it, Jim's position had no upside 230 Becoming media would fty him-New Orleans style. that in mind, Tate didn't buzz his secretary, but 'a call to the Beaulieu home himself. The maid inhim that Mr. Beaulieu was on the tennis courts, but she would inform him of the call. Beaulieu came to the phone. Tate could tell he was portable and that he was still on the tennis courts @the` sound of balls pinging in the background. Beaulieu, I thought I should call and tell you that had news of Susan." s sigh was audible. "Thank God." @@,@@She's in Houston. We've located her apartment complex. there's a slight problem." ady? You just found her." seems that she and Robbie left that area within the past -fbur hours." *'Damnation!" if I can just explain-" Plf,l wish you would." Bart was losing patience.

',@@'Our man did just as he was told. He did a commendable if I might say so. It did take him a bit of extra time, but daughter is a smart woman, sir." "Get on with it, Rawlings," Bart growled. @"We believe that the police had one of their men on the , and his presence must have caused her to flee." "A policeman, YOU say?" "Yes, sir. His name is Lieutenant Roberts of the New Orpolice. He has taken time off from his regular duties to tie Susan and Robbie. When he asked questions at the plex where Susan was staying we believe the manager your daughter." "Susan has always made friends easily." 11 also thought I should be the one to inform you and Mrs. lieu that Susan has had some medical problems rey- 11 231

Catherine Lanigan "Medical?" 14surgery, to be exact. She was treated at Ben Taub Hospital for a ruptured ovary and was released in two and a half days. Her alias is Star Kaiser." "Finally, some results." Tate nearly cringed. He'd been withholding information from Bart Beaulieu for weeks. He'd been stalling in order to give Jim Kidd enough time to get to Houston and find Susan. Unfortunately, Susan had escaped them all. Tate had been right: Susan was smart. "I have every confidence that we'll find her again." "Tell me more about her illness." "I'm afraid I don't know more than that, sir. There is a Dr. Simpson in Houston whom my man has interviewed. I have the transcript right here. I could fax it over." "I'd like his phone number," Bart said. "Of course, sir." "And Rawlings, I would appreciate it if you would forward your reports to me. I want to know the instant you have any kind of news about Susan." "Yes, sir." Tate hung up. He knew he'd strung himself out too long with Bart, but it couldn't be helped. It wasn't easy playing both ends against the middle. But it didn't bother Tate all that much. He considered himself a master at it. Annette Beaulieu stood at the window and turned the clear acrylic rod that opened the mini-blinds. "Does this window open?" "No," Alain Gilbert said. "It's a little stuffy in here." "No, it isn't. It's just that you're feeling uncomfortable today." Annette hung her head. Truth be told, she felt like jumping 232 Becoming window. It was a good,thing it was scaled. She Oback to Alain. "Bart told me yesterday that he's found has been ill. Quite ill. She's had ... surgery." Anlelt on the verge of tears. She fought for control. "Her ruptured-" can be quite serious." Re went back to the sofa and folded her body into it. drained. She hadn't slept the night before. She hadn't :dinner or breakfast. She. felt she was holding onto the of her sanity just getting to the doctor's office. weeks they'd heard nothing about Susan and now the seemed to flood in. Susan's apartment had been Annette had begged Bart to let her drive to Houston 4ee where she'd been. She wanted to know what it was to walk in Susan's shoes. ad Bart had commissioned Tate Rawlings's man, Dato take pictures of the apartment. Annette had seen faxes last night; the actual photographs would arrive overnight mail today.

Re had been shocked at the sparse rooms, the mattress ,',box spring on the floor where Susan had been forced to from a difficult surgery. Annette put her hand to her forehead. "My God, how she's to, live.... Her apartment looked like something I saw in newsmagazine back in the sixties when all those hippies living in San Francisco. It was awful." ."What did you think was awful, Annette?" -,,."It was worse than common..." r,@"Susan doesn't have much money. She did quite well for If, actually. She wasn't living on the streets." "'No, no." Annette wrung her hands and then, realizing she was doing, shoved them into her lap. "The complex decent and safe enough. It even had a swimming pool. I se Robbie liked that. It was just that. . ." She felt the coming on. "That Susan would rather live like that than 233

Catherine Lanigan call me. Ask for my help." Annette"s hand clutched her throat Dr. Gilbert nodded. "Yes, but that is only awful for you, not for Susan. She's doing what she feels is the right thing for herself and Robbie." Annette wiped her tears with her forefinger. "I don't want Susan to feel she's alone anymore." Dr. Gilbert smiled. "Now that is a good thing." "I love her, Dr. Gilbert. I 'want the best for her. Not what I think is the best for her, but what she feels is best for herself. If she could or would just call us, we could help her. I understand now, how I've tried to control her. I don't want to do that anymore. I just want to know that she's safe and that Robbie is all right." "I understand." "It hurts me that the first real news we have about her, we discover that she's had major surgery. She paid two thousand dollars on her bill. The detective says he thinks she used the money she got from selling the car." "You should be proud of her, Annette. She's got a lot of integrity, to use money she desperately needs to pay her debts." Annette looked at him. "I never knew that about Susan." "You have been thinking she was irresponsible because of her lack of communication with you. Is that right?" "Yes." "When in fact you have learned the opposite to be true. I would say you are both growing a great deal." Annette took one of die. tissues the doctor kept in a tortoiseshell box on the end table. She blew her nose. "I've learned some other things, too, Dr. Gilbert." "I know you have. What have you discovered?" "I've been doing as you suggested, taking an observer's view of my life. Especially my relationship with Bart. I've discovered that he and I live quite separately. I have used my 234 Becoming wlv''@, -and his and Susan's lives-for far my life Bart has his business to keep him creative and busy. I had Susan. I noticed that once Susan married I ill than before. I seem to have gone from one nurse I've even decorated and remodeled the house to for my illnesses. I've been acting as if my fife is over. 's not." -vourse it isn't.- why do I feel so utterly depressed?" she asked with eyes. ause you are just starting on your journey to find Your search for Susan is almost like an ... allegory own life. When you find Susan you will discover If. You will need to be a new person to handle the new of relationship you'll have with her in the future. Be yourself what you want to do with the rest of your You know now that you can no longer depend upon to live for you. Would you like to get a job? Go back 1, perhaps?" brightened.

"I would like to go back to school. I'd psychology first, so that I could understand myself 11 nd what else would you do, Annette?" looked him squarely in the eye. "I need to decide Bart fits into my life." She felt her back muscles cont with doubt and fear. "And if I still fit into his." !'Those are very big questions, Annette. Don't take on too right now." he cocked her head to the side as she looked at Dr. Gil- "I'm over fifty years old. My daughter and grandson disappeared for months. Frankly, Doctor, I don't think e a minute to waste." He smiled at her. "I think you are going to be just fine, 235

Chapter Twenty-five Lieutenant Nate Roberts had been placed on a half dozen new missing persons cases in the six weeks since his return from Houston. He'd done his dead-level best to find Susan Kidd, and a couple of times he'd come close, but he'd run into too many dead ends. There was that complex up in Spring, Texas, where the manager, Andie Masland, had recognized the photographs of Susan and Robbie. Oh, she'd been cool about it, but Roberts had logged many years watching the reactions of people to his questions. It was sheer gut instinct on his part, but he'd bet his last dollar she'd known Susan. However, without a warrant he couldn't search every apartment. He'd watched the place for half a day but seen nothing. If only he'd had more time. More time. Better clues. More to go on than hunches. Anything would help. When he left Houston he'd had the feeling that he was being followed, but he hadn't seen anyone suspicious. Except 236 Becoming kid who kept going into the video and music s Kuykendahl Road. But the guy looked to be fresh 'College, and Roberts didn't know anyone who hired s that young. He chalked it up to paranoia. wasn't being paranoid now. Someone had found and Robbie for Jim Kidd and now she'd taken off w this because Bart Beaulieu had called Captain today and demanded that the feds be brought in. had been sitting in the office when it happened. Captain Michaud hung up the phone he looked at "How do you do it, Nate?" what?" t of all the apartment complexes in Houston it turns san 1(idd was staying at the one you suspected." dammit! I knew I shoulda stayed." haud eased his head inside his very tight shirt collar. It ,been on his orders that Roberts had returned to New s. He was a good detective and Captain Michaud had ght, erroneously as it turned out, that Roberts was wast-7 'his time looking for Susan Kidd. "I needed you back 'That's crap." :!,,Seems we're back to square one. She's bolted again." "Why?" "I don't know. Somebody must have spooked her." ,:,"Yeah? Well, I think I know the way her head works. If as one of us or a private dick, she wouldn't have known o we were. She would be back here if that was the case. saw someone she didn't want to see. And that can only one person. I I "James Kidd?, "You got it.9, Captain Michaud grabbed one of his cigars. "So who d him off?. 237

Catherine LAnigan .1T1ftRawIings.$I_ "Aw, you're kidding me. Kidd hired Rawlings? How'd you find that out?" Roberts grinned. "You called me back here, but you didn't tell me how to spend my off time. I checked around. I found out that Jim Kidd went to Tate right after he gave us his statement." "I wonder if his story to Rawlings jibes with the one he gave us." Roberts shook his head. "The thing about Tate's people is, he pays well. I couldn't get anybody to open up. Even the ones who think he's an ass still like his style and the size of his checkbook. I do know that Rawlings got help from in here, where the pay sucks." Captain Michaud frowned. "I don't want to hear this." "I know you don't. And until I can find out who it is, I'm not saying a word." Captain Michaud lit his cigar and blew out the smoke. "Got anyone in mind yet?" "A few." Roberts sniffed the cigar smoke. "Couldn't be you, could it, Captain? That'sino cheap stogie you're smokin' this time." Captain Michaud rolled the cigar to the side of 'his cheek. "Birthday present from my in-laws. Now, get the hell out of my office and go find the stoolie." "Yes, sir." Roberts got up and left the office. Turning over a case to the FBI was as simple as making a phone call. Files were copied and 'then faxed or specialinessengered over to the local FBI office. This wasn't a murder case; there was no particular threat of Susan's disappearance becoming a media problem, since the Beauliens and Jim Kidd had kept a tight lid on the story. Roberts knew that all it would take would be for one of the three to decide that a media blitz would be the way to find Susan; then all their lives would be mayhem. If Jim Kidd decided to 238 atid,plead fbr his wife to come home, journalists storming the precinct halls. suspected Jim Kidd would be the last to do anySo foolish. Annette Beaulieu, as the heartsick mother, matter. However, so far she'd chosen to protect Is name and reputation and avoid the tactless and I path of People, USA Today, and CNN. For now, Roberts could work without the harrowing spectre of s breathing down his neck. "hoped this reprieve lasted long enough for him to find to Tate Rawlings's office. week before Thanksgiving Ted Easley, Susan's corn instructor, announced that she was capable of seeking yment as a legal aide. contacted several offices around Houston that had pregiven employment to men and women from the Star usan set up the interviews herself. The first two went well, one of the firms was based very close to the Spring area, Susan and Robbie had lived, and she feared'that Jim Id find her too easily there. Her instincts told her that Jim It given up on her. She had to be very careful, especially that he knew the name she was

using. At times she iost thought it silly to keep using her Star Kaiser alias. She lit as well go back to being Susan. But she liked her new and wanted to keep it. Her third interview didn't go well at all. The firm was ng for a law student, and preferably one who was nearly ished with law school. Susan's aspirations of becoming a er didn't hold, any water at all. Her last chance was the law firm of Barton and Parker, ich was located in a refurbished house near "the village" 239

Cadwine LAnigan in the WvA Vniversity@ district, not, far-from Rice University. Susan hadn't spent any time in this part of town and when she stepped off the bus she found herself beneath a cool canopy of hundred-year-old oak trees that lined both sides of the street. The houses were old, most of them dating from the nineteen twenties and thirties. It was quieter here, with less traffic and congestion. She saw a nanny walking a baby carnage with a cocker spaniel puppy on a leash. She felt as if she was back in New Orleans ... only better. She was and the the

walked to the middle of the block and found the brass numerals she looking for. A small but tasteful sign marked the dark hunter green slate gray house as the offices of Barton and Parker. She walked up concrete steps and opened the green-painted, four-panel door with brass handle.

The reception area was large, taking up what she assumed at one time had been the living and dining areas of the house. A dark-haired woman in her early thirties dressed in a conservative burgundy suit sat in a secretary's chair answering the telephone with a minuscule headset. Her well-manicured fingers flew across the phone bo@rd as she answered the plethora of incoming calls. "Good morning, Barton and Parker. How may I help you?" the woman said after depressing each of the lit phone buttons. Susan waited patiently until the woman was finished. She glanced around the room, admiring the mix of antique furniture and reproductions and the blend of hunter green, burgundy, royal blue, and gold in the upholstery, drapes, and pillows. A huge Waterford vase filled with autumn-colored lilies, crysanthemums, proteas, and antherums sat on the coffee table. Over the black marble-faced fireplace hung an elaborately gilded rococo mirror that reflected the morning sun streaming through the white Southern plantation shutters. Everything about the place reminded Susan of New Orleans. 240 Beco)Wng s were of magic wand could was possible. she e ,,."ser?" the woman

fast approaching, and @Susan wished that Wine kind be waved over her ake everything perfect. If magic liked to go back home. But that was out of the asked.

led. "I've been expecting you. They just called Star of Hope to see if you had arrived. Kate de- '7011. 1 assured her you were here, safe and sound." was glad Kate watched out for her, but it did make like a child. Or perhaps it was because the woman of her seemed to have her life together. She was Ily dressed and coiffed. She was competent at her job. iew minutes Susan had been standing there the woman a fax at the machine to the left of her. She looked schedules on the computer to the right of her and then Iropies of them on the copy machine on the credenza her. And she did all this without leaving her swivel ,,Susan Was amazed at how quickly the woman answered Is and seemed to know everything that was happening office. She knew schedules of attorneys, which she to those calling in. She spoke with a judge and rea complicated message she'd been given by one of the s. In short, Susan wanted to be just like her. at was sweet of Kate to call," Susan said. he's just like that," the woman said with a wave of her and a smile.

"Kate loves to be mother hen to every- 'You ... know her?" Susan was surprised. ' idn't she tell you?" @D 'Tellme what?" e woman chuckled to herself. "That's Kate. Always prog our privacy. I've known her for, gosh, over five years I was one of her first fledglings when she came to Star 241

Catherine LsWgan of Hope." The woman stood and stuck out her hand to Susan. "I'm Vivian Moss." "I'm Star Kaiser. And you ... you were like me?" Vivian laughed. "Yes. And I'm proud of it." :,You should be!" 'If it weren't for Kate, I'd still be with that loser husband of mine. Now I have this wonderful job and I'm engaged to be married over the Christmas holidays." Susan felt her toes tingle. "You really did it? Oh, I only hope I'm that lucky. I've just started learning the computer, but Ted Easley says I'm the best in his class." "Is Ted still teaching there?" "You know Ted?" "He taught me." Vivian smiled triumphantly. Susan was practically reeling from this incredible information. The fact that Vivian had once worn Susan's shoes made her feel more confident about her own future. "Of course," Vivian continued, "I've had a great deal more schooling, but I love all these machines. I think com- puter technology is fantastic. That's why I keep all my 'toys' around me." She leaned across the desk and whispered con- spiratorily to Susan, "Actually, I've gotten the partners to buy everything I wanted. I even have my own computerized Daytimer. It works both ways, though. I've put in some long and tough hours for diem. VAfich is why you're here. My fianc6 says the long hours have to stop once we're married." "He has a point." Vivian laughed. "He's the most important person in my life, and as much as I love my toys here, they can't replace the right man, now can they?" Susan thought of Jim. She remembered his balled fist as it hit her. She didn't think she'd ever want a man in her life again. She looked at the expensive machines surrounding Vivian. Susan knew she'd choose the machines. "I guess not," she said halfheartedly. 242 Becoming, Mr. Bartort you're here. I hope it goes well for ivian said and winked at Susan. then Susan heard the pounding of footsteps on the and burgundy carpeted stairs. A tall, extremely good- dark-haired man in his early thirties came running Ahe stairs. He was thrusting his arms into a camel- cordurov svorts jacket trinimed with tan leather elbow and leather buttons. He wore wire-rimmed glasses fallen to the bottom of the bridge of his nose. He pushed the glasses back into place with his forefinger. noticed he wore a leather-banded watch but no rings. was extremely tall, over six foot four inches, Susan which was why when he entered the room the ceiling to move lower, and she noticed that when he came the staircase he ducked his head to avoid hitting it on miling. He -wore dark navy wool slacks that were, well but not expensive. His shoes were burgundy loafers matched the narrow belt he wore. He was slender in '4 not muscular at all, but Susan was certain he carried an ounce of fat.

en he stretched his arms to finish puffing on his jacket ,seemed to embrace the room. He was bigger than life and as if he should have been what an attorney was meant be-a champion of justice. Ue smiled briefly at Susan, nodded, and turned to Vivian. gotta go. The Cortez case calls again." He pulled a sheaf papers out of his very old, much-used leather valise. Susan ght it an antique, and it reminded her of some of the iture in the waiting area. She wondered if this man had .ng to do with those choices. "Mr. Barton, you can't leave now. I've got an eleven-thirty ch meeting for you downtown at Harry's Kenya, then a 0 o'clock with Judge Pierce, and then your four o'clock th the Ingersolls. Not to mention. . He interrupted Vivian. "Cancel 'em. Move 'em. Blow 'em 243

Catherine, Lanigan up. I gotta go..." His eyes were huge blue spheres he teasingly glared at Vivian over the rims of his glasses. 'Zen, suddenly, he stopped. "Not to mention what, Vivian?" Vivian used her hand to indicate Susan. "Miss Kaiser is here for her interview." "Kaiser?" He turned toward Susan. He was so tall, he had to bend slightly when he looked at her. "Do I know you?" "No," Susan said. "I'm here about the job. To assist Miss Moss." Michael Barton turned back to Vivian. "Yes, Miss Moss, who is abandoning us for the sake of love." He crooned the words in jest. Vivian swatted the air with her hand. "Oh, go on with you! I I They both started laughing. Susan was silent. She was prepared for her interview. She had worked extra hours last night at the computer, honing her typing skills. She had gone to the library last week and started reading law books and learned the courses she would be required to take in college to get a license. She wanted, needed this job. But Michael Barton was going to send her away. Make her come back another time. Susan had to think fast. "Where are you going, Mr. Barton?" I TO the jail, Miss Kaiser," he answered. "Could I go along with you and you could interview me on the way?" Michael dropped his smile and gave Susan a probing look. "You could stay here with Vivian and she could give you a typing test and check you out on our equipment." "I can type as fast as the wind, Mr. Barton. I can run the computer, fax, copy, and answer the phone. But from what Kate told me, you need an assistant. You need someone to help you with your cases so that you're not always running off just like this to an emergency and telling Vivian to rearrange your day. One more time. Am I right?" 1 244 Becoming looked at Vivian. "How does she, know so shrugged her shoulders and winked at Susan. she's telepathic." shook her head. "I'm observant. And I'm efficient. 't you give me a chance, Mr. Barton?" didn't waste another second. "Done." He went to and opened it. "C'mon. Let's go save lives." wanted to jump for joy. Instead she turned quickly , thanked her, and rushed out the door with Michael 245

Chapter Twen 0 ty-SIX The Harris County Jail seemed immense to Susan. Michael parked his car across the street. Susan had a difficult time keeping up with his long strides and his impatience. On tddhiee ie short drive to the jail he had explained that his client, Diego Cortez, was eighteen years old and had only one prior arrest, for shoplifting when he was sixteen. Diego's grandmother on his father's side, Marguerita, had been Michael's mother's housekeeper for over thirty years. He had never met Diego, and he hadn't the slightest idea what kind of boy he was. However, Michael did know that the Cortez family was private about their family matters. Michael explained that Diego's ancestors had once been a wealthy landed family in Mexico. Pride and a sense of honor were taken ver@-seriously. Michael had taken the case as a favor to Marguerita. Once inside the building Michael breezed past the precinct desk, waved to a policeman, who obviously knew him, and then led Susan directly to an area filled with rows of desks, each manned by a detective. 246 Becoming to the third row, last desk- "Where is he, ichael asked. nameplate on Pete's desk read PETER Tomovicm Pete medium height and build. He wore an overly starched ,broadcloth shirt and an inexpensive burgundy striped was bent over three stacks of files, papers, and yellow An electric typewriter sat to his left. He was toffee from a very large plastic Stop N'Go mug. -*,lidding," Pete said, looking at Susan, not Michael. s for calling me so quickly," Michael said, shaking and slapping him affectionately on his biceps. Ire friends for?" Pete said as he stood. He still I take his eyes off Susan. y Michael remembered Susan was with him. "Star meet Peter Tomovich, the best cop in Houston." 4 hand.

shook Susan's

"I don't know about being the but I'm working on it." tar thinks she wants to work for us," Michael explained. laughed. "Take my advice, Star, run while you have hael slipped his leather valise underneath his arm and his hands into his pockets. He rocked on his heels y. "Pete and I go all the way back to our high school @at Lamar. We did everything together back then." @,'i',Still do," Pete interrupted. san noticed that Pete glanced down at the stack of files ,"'his desk with a mixture of frustration and concern in his ",',,'Did you know you would be working in the same field n you grew up?" Susan asked. ,,.Both men dropped their banter immediately, and Susan she'd inadvertently struck a chord. .'@Michael's smile was the first false one she'd seen. "You -ght say that." He turned to Pete. "Can I see him?" guess so," Pete replied, picking up the telephone. He 247

Catherine Lanigan called the holding room @ and requested that Luis be brought up to the interrogation room. "The hearing is at ten-thirty. I'll post his bail," Michael told Pete. "Hell, Michael, we caught him red-handed. Don't fight us on this one." "I have to." Pete rolled his eyes and groaned. "This isn't another one of your mission-from-God cases is it? 'Cuz if it is, I think I'm gonna puke." "Everyone is entitled to equal justice under the law." Pete sat down and laced his hands over his stomach as he leaned back in his chair. "I am gonna puke, You know, Michael, I think you're out to get me. Every time I've got one of these little bastards dead to rights you decide to fight me. Why is that, Michael?" Michael smiled mischievously, though there was earnestness in his eyes. "Think how boring your life would be without me, Pete." Michael bent over the desk, placed his ban on the nearest stack of files, and put his face very close to Pete. Susan almost couldn't hear what he was saying, but she did. "I'm the one who keeps you an honest cop, Pete. If it weren't for me, you'd nab every kid who's out for a Sunday stroll and lock 'em up. They aren't all bad, Pete." Pete's eyes were glacial as he stared back at Michael. "He's ah-eady confessed." "Damn." Michael expelled a deep sigh and stood. "Exactly-" Michael was undaunted. "I'll talk to you after I see him. Pete shrugged his shoulders. "Have it your way.- He thrust out his arm, indicating the hallway behind him from which they had come. They all shook hands and Susan and Michael left. 248 Becoming Susan to sit on the chair against the wall while Diego. 'Phe was brought into the room, Diego's hands were Michael demanded that the officer uncuff his clirequest was granted. Diego said. intr;Lced himself and Star to Diego in fluent problem," Diego said in broken Spanish. "I speak watched Diego as he spoke with Michael. He was attentive as Michael explained the procedures of ng and the posting of bail. Susan didn't know much nals, but she did know that her instincts were tellDiego wasn't the kind of boy who ran with gangs. w no malice or arrogance in him, only fear. A great fear. confessed to stealing the car?" Michael asked. Diego replied, looking off to the left. ou stole a brand-new 1995 Mercedes-Benz?" Nes.' 90, 1 have to tell you, this is a serious crime.

This __1;fting.- w that." you confessed?" I signed the paper." ael ran his hand through his hair with exasperation. It believe this. I don't believe you!" Michael whirled "Star, take notes for me, will you? There's a yellow m ali y v, se. san scrambled through the valise and took out the pad pen. She nodded to Michael to indicate that she was it down, Diego. I want you to tell me in your own words you stole the car." 249

Catherine Lanigan Diego, looked conf Used. "HowT "Yeah. How did you steal the car?" Michael folded his arms across his chest and waited. Diego looked at Star and then back at Michael. "I saw the car in the parking lot at the mall. There was nobody around. So I broke the lock..." "Wrong!" Michael boomed and glared at him. "The lock wasn't broken." Diego realized his mistake. "I.. . I didn't mean the lock. I meant the window. I broke the window, opened the door, and hot-wired the car." "And where did you learn to hot-wire cars?" "From my buddies. They do it all the time." "And where were you going to take this car, once you stole it." "To a chop shop. There's one up forty-five north of Greenspoint. I was going to take it there." "But you didn't get that far, is that right?" "No. The cops, they chased me and brought me here." "Where were you when that happened?" "The car didn't have gas. J needed gas. The cops, they saw the car and came after me." "And where did you go to get gas?" Michael probed. "To ... the gas station on Richmond where..." Diego stopped himself. Michael nodded his head. "The gas station where you work. Is that right?" "Yes." Diego lowered his head. Michael was becoming very impatient, Susan knew. He was already biting his hangnail, crossing and uncrossing his arms. "Okay. We've got about forty-five minutes before the hearing. I'm gonna go down to the impound area and check out the car. Then I'm coming back here and we'll bail you out. It's not going to be cheap, and once I do you have to 250 Becoming "you won't take off for California." wed hard. "I'm not aft-aid of jail. My family 4on't have the money for bail. Please, don't come Everything is fine," he pleaded. Michael said. He went over to the door and it, came to take Diego away. Then Mii in charge Susan left. impound yard Michael looked at the gold metallic and whistled.

"Wheeeeew! That kid can pick circled around the car. "Isn't she a beaut?" agreed with him. "Yes." She looked through the tri at the tan leather seats and burled wood dash. Michael, the window isn't broken." d think would be." n't straightened and stared at Michael wide-eyed. "Then kid's no car thief. He might have seen somebody car on television, but he hasn't got the slightest idea Is talking abouC, what the heck is going on? Why would he confess he didn't commit?" ause he's covering for somebody." Michael went to the passenger side of the car and stooped to a He inspected the lock. "It was picked. There are no s on the chrome. My bet is, it was done by a pro." the door and got in. He crouched down in the seat ,"inspected the underside of the steering wheel shaft. "Not ired, either." n how?" 'Car thief rings are big business now. Especially in Hous- @,,where there are so many ruce cars. It could have been any number of ways. The owner's key could have been and imprinted by her maid, the valet, a purse snatcher. 251

Catherim Lanigan There are some new 'master keys' out there. I've heard of a new computerized gimmick that unlocks cars by jamming the fi-equencies of the existing security system; then they program in a new code. Simple as one, two, three." "It's kind of scary." "You bet it is." Michael continued giving the car a onceover. He searched the glove box, under the seat, the backseat, and the side door pockets for clues. "Let's go," he finally said. On the third floor of the Harris County Courthouse, Judge Crane convened his court. Susan sat in the second row from the front with Michael as they waited for Diego's case to be called. Susan watched as the bailiff called names and cited cases and the judge asked questions of the accused and then listened unernotionally to the answers from attorneys. Susan noticed that Michael continued reading over her notes and making notes of his own on the legal pad. No one in the courtroom seemed to react one way or -another to each other, to the testimonies put forth or the edicts passed. She had never thought that justice was so brutally cold, but she supposed it had to be. .,Diego Cortez," the bailiff called. Michael approached the bench along with Diego. "Diego Cortez," Judge Crane stated without looking up from the file in front of him, "you are charged with grand theft auto. How do you plead?" Diego started to speak. Michael grabbed his arm and stopped him. "Not guilty." Judge Crane looked up at Michael with surprise. "Not guilty?" The judge shuffled through the papers in the file. "Yes, your honor." "Very well. Bail is set at fifty thousand dollars." He 252 Becoming vel and asked the bailiff to inform Michael of the trial. walked back to Susan while Diego was taken back for his release papers to be filled out. is paying the ba?" Susan asked in a whisper as called the next case. was impressed. "Do you do this for all your ch- did, I couldn't stay in practice." He gathered his ,.and shoved them in his valise. stood. "Then why this one?" I smiled and took her arm to lead her out of the m. "Like Pete said, I'm on a mission." went back to the car and got in. "It'll take hours for to be released. In the meantime let's do a little inves- on our own," Michael said. Michael pulled out into traffic, Susan took out the report and read Peter Tomovich's description of the "It says here that two patrolmen apprehended Diego 'was running away from the gas station where the Mer was parked. It was noon, and he was the only attendent tv, and there

were no other witnesses." you think it sounds fishy, too." ond is a busy street. There would be other people especially at noon." gas station is between Richmond and West Alabama, "Yorktown, I believe. But that's an excellent observation, He smiled at her. tween West Alabama and Richmond, in the shadow of 'Galleria to the south, was a large section of dilapidated S, shanties, and vacant lots. The area was in transition. ,,,,the east were elegant apartment complexes in various s of completion. Susan looked around herself in wonder. 253

Catherine LA*an TWO years from now she knew the area would bear no resemblance to the slum it was now. The gas station was nearly forty years old, with two old pumps, and looked as if it had been plucked off the streets of Monterey, Mexico. Even the soft drink advertisements were in Spanish. A radio blasted Mexican music so loud, Susan thought the cracked windows on the side of the building would fall out. Behind a chain-link fence were tires, chrome rims, radiators, and assorted car parts for sale if anyone dared venture through the rubbish. To the left of the office area, which contained an old Formica-covered desk, a soft drink cooler, and a snack machine, was a single bay for car repairs. The garage door was up, and Susan could see an older man working on the underside of a Buick that was raised on the hydraulic lift. Michael walked up to the man. "Buenos dfas, sen-or. iCorno esta?" , The man just looked at Michael. When he saw Susan with the legal pad in hand he put down his tools, pulled a greasy rag from his hip pocket, and wiped his hands. "Bien." He walked toward them. Michael introduced himself and explained that he was Diego Cortez's attorney. The man seemed pleased and spoke to them in broken English. "My name is Ricardo. This is my business." He motioned proudly at the rundown building. "You say Diego will be back today?" "Yes," Michael assured him. I "Mat's good. Very good for me. I need him." "I understand that you weren't here when Diego was ar- rested yesterday." "No, I go home for lunch and siesta." Ricardo pointed down the street to a house that was even more distressed than the station. A black mongrel dog sniffed at a mud puddle in front of the house. Susan could see a washing machine on 254 porch and a yard filled with junk, dead limbs, and ,,She -noted all this on the legal pad. .d Diego leave the station prior to lunchtime?" Michael did he go?" get supplies for me. This car," he pointed to the "It's a tough one.- far away is the supply store?" ot far. Diego takes the bus and then walks." "Vid you see him come back?" .0. 1 was underneath the car. My tools make a lot of AANot to mention the music," Susan interrupted. W, ael looked at her and winked. He asked Ricardo'to ardo nodded. "I looked up because I see the police spinmng and flashing. Then there is the Mercedes jus' there. Then all of a sudden the police get out of the and start chasing Diego. I don't even know why Diego is I don't see nobody else. Just Diego, the Mercedes, -the police." ,,.,I'So, you never saw anyone else?" "No one." Ricardo shook his head. Well, thanks very much." Michael took his business card of his breast pocket and told Ricardo to contact him if he t of anything else that could help Luis. ichael and Susan went

back to the car and got in. Where to now?" Susan asked. thought we'd have a chat with Diego's parents. Maybe could shed some light on this." Do you have any idea what's going on?" "Several. Even though Diego isn't the gang type, it's my 0 that the gangs have been putting pressure on him. Diego 't the leader type of kid; he's a follower. It wouldn't take 255

Catherine Lanigan much to toorce him'into stealing a car. I think there am badass kids around here who found a pigeon in Diego. He steals the cars for them; they pick them up at the station; then they take them to the chop shop. If anybody does get caught, it's Diego. Next time, they look for another kid just like Diego. My,bet is they told him if he talks they would beat him up or kill him. So he keeps his mouth shut." Susan nodded. "You've seen this kind of thing before?" "A hundred times too many," Michael answered morosely. They drove only fi,@e blocks away to a small bungalow house that, like its neighbors, looked to have been built in the nineteen twenties and thirties. The huge oak in the front yard was dead and the entire property was surrounded by chainlink fence. If it was possible, there was more trash in this yard than at the gas station. Michael leaned over Susan to took out the passenger window. "I can't believe this belongs to a Cortez. Marguerita is such a particular woman." "But this belongs to her son, right?" "Yeah." Michael sighed heavily, as if this task was almost too much for him. Then he straightened his shoulders and opened the door. "Get your pad. Here we go again." They walked up the cracked sidewalk to the front porch and mounted the rickety wooden steps. Michael knocked on the screen door. There was no answer. He knocked again. Finally the weathered, white-painted wooden door opened. A woman of about forty stood behind the screen door. Her graying black hair was long and disheveled. She still wore a faded nightgown over which she'd pulled a cardigan sweater. She tugged the sweater closed with her hand, which she held close to her throat. "What do you want?" she asked with little accent, though she looked Hispanic. "I'm your grandson's attorney." Her expression didn't alter. Susan thought this unusual. 256 Recwdng: ii attomey. He's going t6jail." She started t door. s not true, Mrs. Cortez. Diego will be released thi I posted his bail." glared at him. "What the hell YOU think you can d I don't want no lawyers. Now, get outta here!" I opened the screen door and put his foot in th before she had a chance to shut him out. stepped back a pace as Michael opened the door all Susan stood to the right of Michael, still in the door Susan was curious about this woman, who seemed to regard or compassion for her own son.Maybe Diego ,been in trouble before. Maybe Mrs. Cortez had gone this kind of thing with her son one time too many. he was guilty after all. Susan planted her feet firmly .N. The doorsill She wanted to make sure her curiosity was before she left the Cortez house. Susan's eyes adjusted to the light, she saw that all there V the house was one large room just inside the door. To leftjn the far comer, was a galley kitchen piled high with dishes and food. An old sofa was strewn with laundry, a

coffee table contained several ashtrays filled with cig- butts. There were empty beer bottles everywhere: on of the television, on the table, lining the shelves on the above the sofa. Yellowed pull shades covered the wins. To the right, Susan could see two doors. One was to in, the other a bedroom. The door to the bedroom slightly ajar. Susan could see a man in the bed. st then Susan felt something cross the exposed stockpart of her foot. She looked down and saw a cockroach irted t@ I over the toe of her shoe. Though normally she would jumped for the ceiling, she told herself not to react to hing. She said nothing. She was teaching herself to bee an observer in these situations. Susan focused her attention on Mrs. Cortez's face in order 257

Catherine Lanigan to keep her mind off the cockroach, and when she, did she noticed something she hadn't seen before. Mrs. Cortez was wearing a great deal of concealing makeup around her left eye. Susan's eyes darted to Michael's face. She wondered if he'd seen it. The bruise was fresh. Still in the early swelling stage, before it turned black and blue, Susan thought. Only when Mrs. Cortez turned her head could Susan see the puffiness. No wonder she keeps the room so dark, Susan thought to herself. Michael continued asking questions, but Mrs. Cortez was having none of it. She clearly wanted them to leave. "Look, you got a warrant or something?" Mrs. Cortez blasted finally. "No," Michael answered politely. "Then leave, or I'll call the cops." "Mrs. Cortez, I'm only trying to help your son," Michael pleaded- "We don't need no help. Diego is comin' home? Fine. Thank you very much." She started pushing the door closed on them. Susan backed out of the do6r and Michael followed. The door slammed. Susan heard the sound of a bolt being slided into place. Michael looked at Susan with angry furrows in his brow. "Dammit." He angrily shoved his hands in his pockets and stalked off the porch and back toward the car. Susan got in the car and buckled her seat belt. She watched as Michael paced outside the car, kicked the tire, and swore several full paragraphs of four-letter words. Finally he took three very deep breaths and got in the car. "Sorry," he said, looking sheepishly at her. "No need to be." "Marguerita would die if she knew her grandson was living like this. She was always such a beautifully proud and genteel woman. I've admired her all my life. You know, all @ 258 Becoming she worked for us, I never,'ever, once thought of a servant. She was like a queen reigning over her sub- of course I was one of them. She taught my mother linens and how to lay a table fit for a dignitary. loved it that my parents could afford beautiful in their home. She taught my mother and myself what 'was. This," he pointed to the Cortez house, "makes turn. This isn't poverty. Ibis is an awful mind- bael cranked the car and started to drive away. thought about everything Michael had said and the little Cortez house recede in the passenger's sidemumr. Suddenly, she saw something in the mirror. 1, stop the car." She unbuckled her seat belt. And to open the door.

"I'm going back there." Y crazy? What for?" OU *AM around the corner so they can't see you. Give me minutes." ael was aghast. lease 'T she said, though she was already out of the car. "-"Ten. And not a minute longer." @4'Fine," she said, not looking at him as she shut the car -and took off running back toward the house. be knocked on the door. The door opened. Cortez was crying.. "What do you want?" 01 your husband leave. That was your husband, wasn't saw -Mrs. Cortez only stared at Susan. 'Wasn't he your husband?" Susan pushed. The woman started crying profusely, and as she did her resolution crumbled. She nodded her head. son didn't steal that car, did he, Mrs. Cortez?" 'No. "Your husband did," Susan said confidently. 44yes.11 259

Catherine Lanigan "I know you may not believe me, but I've been where you are. I had a husband who beat me. I know what it's like to fear him so much, you'd sell your soul to please him, placate him, and think that someday you can change him. But you can't, Mrs. Cortez. You can't change him. No one can. But you can change your son's life. Diego must love you very much to give up his freedom to save his father and protect you. Diego doesn't want you to be lonely or homeless, or any of those other things you fear. And I know you are afraid of those things because I was, too, once." "You? How could you know what scares me? You ... and your big-shot lawyer boss!" "This is my first day, Mrs. Cortez. I don't even know if he's going to hire me or not. I hope he does." Susan spoke in soft, soothing tones meant to calm Mrs. Cortez. "Do you know where I live?" Mrs. Cortez was sobbing so hard she couldn't speak any longer. She only shook her head. "I live at the Star of Hope. I'd like to show you where I live," Susan said, taking the woman in her arms and letting her cry on her shoulder. 260 Chapter Twenty-seven Orleans ,.Ttanksgiving Day Annette Beaulieu set two extra place gs at her very elaborate table in the formal dining room. had made turkey, homemade cranberries, creamed peas pearl onions, and Susan's favorite, stuffing with pecans, s, raisins, and cinnamon. She called her favorite florist "Canal Street and ordered a bouquet of pink-centered rublilies, burgundy crysanthernums, and white roses for the The silver five-branch candelabra was filled with twisted beeswax tapers. She bought the best bordeaux could find in New Orleans to celebrate. art traditionally played a game of tennis with friends Thanksgiving Day morning while Annette readied the for the afternoon festivities. f1lis was the first Thanksgiving of her life that his daughter Idn't be with him. Bart's game had gone badly that mom- 261

Cadierine Lanigan ing. Bart had been unable to think of anything that day except Susan. Some inner voice, to which he had previously seldom listened, only because he'd never had the need, told him that Susan and Robbie were safe. He honestly didn't fear for their health and safety, when probably he should. Bart's quest for his daughter was now being conducted on a new level. He wanted to know why she refused to call them. Why was her life in Houston preferable to the one he could offer her here in New Orleans? Was her life with Jim so aboniinable that Susan would prefer this dance with the devil to being Jim's wife? What had Jim done? Jim vehemently denied to him, to the police, and to everyone else they knew, that he'd ever hurt Susan. Bart didn't know what or whom to believe. All he knew was that his little girl didn't believe he was her knight in shining armor anymore. Bart's heart was broken. Bart had tried to go to his wife for help, but Annette wasn't the same anymore either. Annette spent her days within herself, discovering and ferreting out her own demons. In the process she'd grown stronger. And she frightened Bart. Bart had been the daddy to both his women most of his life. He'd taken care of Annette when she was ill. He'd become used to explaining to their friends that Annette was unable to come to the party, the dinner, the wedding. Bart had his excuses so perfectly tuned, he didn't know what fife would be like with a woman who was whole. Suddenly, since Susan's disappearance, Annette had become well. She asked tough, probing questions of him, few of which he could answer. Last week he'd been sitting by the fire on a Wednesday night when she'd returned from an appointment. He didn't ask her where she'd gone, only what time to expect her for dinner. 262 Reconung art?" Annette called as she walked'into the room. looked up from the current best-selling novel he was ng and smiled. It amazed him how well she looked these She was wearing a tailored navy blue knit dress with -t to match. Her shoes, bag, and scarf were blends of s and tans that made her look chic and smart in that way dressed thirty, forty years ago and he wished they still Her hair was beautifully cut, colored, and combed. He w she'd gone to the same hairdresser for decades, but he tknow where that hairdresser was located, not even it was a man or a woman. @_-Bart, I've done the most amazing thing today." @,,."@Really, dear. And what is that?" "I've been to Tulane and enrolled in the college." ,,B.art blinked his eyes slowly.Once. Then twice. "What in world for?" He closed his book. .."I'm going to study psychology, Bart." Annette smiled at and then gracefully lowered herself into the fauteuil chair ite him. The fire illuminated her already bright face. @,,He thought she'd never looked so beautiful. She was becoming a new woman and he wondered whether would still fit in her life. "I ... I don't think that's necary, darling. Do you? I mean, if you wanted to study someg, wouldn't you prefer history or great literature. . ." He d down at the best-seller and quickly deposited it on the table. "Bart, I'm not interested in those things. Besides, I studied at

finishing school. I want to study more about the inner ngs of the mind. I think it's fascinating." "Bart shook his head. "I'm sorry, darling, but you aren't ng one bit of sense to me. Why would you need such ation?" 'Annette rose quickly and went to the fireplace. She placed arm on the mantel and stared at the flames. "I've learned deal about myself during my sessions with Dr. Gilbert. 263

Catherine Lanigan But I maw I've only scratched the surface. One of the things I've learned is that all my life I've let other people do my thinking for me. I've let society make my life rules. My parents made rules for me and put me in slots they defined- And then, when Susan came along, I did the same thing to her. The difference between Susan and me is that she has more courage. Bart's eyes flew open. "Are you saying that you think our marriage akin to Susan's? I mean, my God! It looks more likely every day that Jim may have been abusive!" Annette sighed. "I'm not saying that at all. I guess I've phrased it incorrectly. And maybe I've spoken too soon. I haven't enough knowledge to speak of these things yet, Bar(. That's why I want to go to school. I want to learn more about myself." Bart stood abruptly. "Well, I think it's all a lot of rubbish! If finding yourself, as you say, is leading you to think that I have been abusive to you, you can bet I'm against it one hundred percent. You tell that Dr. Gilbert-if he is a doctor, and not some quack-that I'm. not paying his bills any longer. I I Bart picked up his novel and startedwalking out of the room. "Where are you going?" Annette asked. "To my room, where I don't have to listen to this ... garbage!" Annette was shocked. "Bart!" He got to the staircase, with each step repeating to himself, "Garbage. Garbage. Garbage." Annette slept alone that night. The next morning she told Bart she wanted to be part of their social life again. He called the Dunnings and accepted their invitation to a formal dinner in their home for that weekend. Annette was in a spectacularly good mood that night, con- 264 Becoming the ladies. He noticed dim she spoke often and about her "therapy." Each time she mentioned Gilbert, Bart cringed. To him it sounded as if she had problems. He wondered whether the others thought had suffered a breakdown. Behind her back Bart went friends and apologized for Annette's behavior. He notice that no one thought anything was amiss. He did that he didn't know how to converse with his own had lived a separate life nearly all his married life. Annette was forcing him to become a husband to her. panion. A help-mate. Bart was familiar with being the and the caretaker. He didn't like the new roles he was asked to play. ause he couldn't see [he future Bart was afraid. walked into the large foyer and smelled the turkey and les cooking in the kitchen. She's making Thanksgiving ? He tossed his car keys into the cloissone bowl on the marble-topped console. What is the mauer with her? expensively made leather shoes soffly hit the marble as he walked into the dining room. He saw there were place settings at the table. His heart sank again. It was to him that Annette was living in a dream world. Someshe'd worked hersell'into a state ofbelieving that Susan Robbie would miraculously appear today because it was sgiving. n the day ended in disappointment, and it surely Annette would fall apart. She would get sick again, art would retreat back into his role of caretaker. Though didn't want Annette to be despondent, subconsciously as glad that life was returning to normal ... at least for f. tte was stirring the gravy when Bart walked into the n. She kissed his check lightly. There was a smile on "How was your game, darling?" 265

Catherine Lanigan "I lost," he said inspecting the boiling potatoes and the crescent rolls that had yet to be baked. "Too bad. Better luck next time," she said brightly and added pepper to the gravy. "Why are you doing this? I told you I made reservations at the Commander's Palace." "I don't want to go out." He sighed. "When are you serving?" He baited her. He knew she would answer, "As soon as Susan affives." "In an hour." "Really?" "I bought a wonderful bordeaux. Maybe you could pour us a glass. I know. I should have gotten the pinot griglia, but I do love red wine so, even though the white would have been the proper choice '.." she babbled. Bart interrupted her. "Why are there four place settings? Who else is coming to dinner?" "No one." She smiled. Bart shook his head to clear the cobwebs. He was having a difficult time following her line of thinking. "Then why did you set those places?" "They're for Susan and Robbie." Bart nodded. It was just as he thought; he needed to prepare himself for the backlash. Annette's strange behavior had been just as he'd feared-she had lost her mind. "Darling, Susan isn't coming home today." "It's Thanksgiving.. ." Annette started her again.

to say, but Bart interrupted

"And just because it's a holiday doesn't mean that suddenly Susan is going to become homesick and show up on the doorstep." "I know that." She smiled and touched his cheek. "You do?" "Yes. I set those places because I've always set those places. I'm making this dinner because I have always man- 266 Becoming well on Thanksgiving Dayin order to celebrate family. I know Susan and Robbie aren't going to I know now that Susan is staying away from New not because of Jim and what he did or didn't do, but of me, BarL" ? Who in the tarnation ever put that thought in your @@put up his hand to stop her. "Don't tell me. Your Gilbert. Well, that tears it. You aren't seeing him Bart. You have it all wrong. He's right. He's absok @,right. I am just

as much at fault as Jim." 't follow this at all." very controlling of Susan. I controlled you with my I got my way, but I didn't let anyone else have a to do what they wanted to do." thought he would explode. "This is truly the greatest bull I've ever heard. I suppose next you're going to me for Susan's problems." said nothing. stared at her. tte reached out to touch him. snatched his hand away from her. "I don't know you Annette. I don't know you! I don't know my daugh- 1, 1 can't even find her to ask her what she wants!" unnaware that a tear sprang out of his left eye. "You what I think? I think the world has gone haywire. You to your psychology class and dig inside your head all t, but if you think for one minute that I want to dig !,.You, you're wrong!" turned on his heel and stormed out of the kitchen. !" Annette called. "Bart!" She started after him. was nearly to the front door. are you going?" she asked. 267

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Catherine Lanigan ..To my club. I have to think ... and I can't do it hem." He looked at her longingly, wistfully, as if she weren't real. When he left he closed the door quietly behind him. Houston Hundreds of people celebrated Thanksgiving Day together at the Star of Hope. Susan had never seen such a party. Thanks to the generosity of the people of Houston, the inhabitants of the Star of Hope had plenty to eat. Susan had volunteered to help Kate and the staff cook. Many of the children helped peel carrots and potatoes and cover long tables with paper tablecloths. This year a business had donated Thanksgiving paper napkins and cloths. The smaller children had made turkey decorations out of pinecones, fall leaves, and cotton. Robbie had painted two boxes full of acorns that had been placed around the "turkey" centerpieces. Susan had invited Vivian Moss to Vivian had once lived there, but h@r fianc6 to spend the holidays never thought much about her own brought it up at work.

join her at the Star of Hope, since she was going to Taos, New Mexico, with with her soon-to-be in-laws. Susan had future with another man until Vivian

Vivian had been showing her how to run some of the boilerplate contract files on the computer. Vivian scrolled the cursor down to the highlighted word wnj-. "See how easy it is?" "Yes," Susan said. "Got any Thanksgiving plans?" Vivian asked as she went to the next form. "No. Do you?" "Yeah. Big ones. I'm meeting my new in-laws for the first time. I I "Are you scared?" 268 Becoming year ago I would have been intimidated by it all, but now. I'm a good person, have a great job, I'm getting ellent grades in my law classes at night. Besides that I'm barrel of laughs and I've got a heart bigger than all of xas. I have a lot to offer." Yes, you certainly do." Susan could attest to eveything vian said. In just a week, Vivian had helped Susan more she could ever repay. Vivian had loaned Susan clothes wear, shoes, makeup, and even taken her to one of her bics classes for fun. She'd given Michael and his partner, ley, glowing reports about Susan's abilities in the office. ichael was already sold on Susan's investigative talent after work on the Cortez case, Vivian had told her. Vivian was a good friend. Susan had been blessed again. ivian continued her instructions. "There's just about thing on here, from real estate papers, simple business ership contracts, last Will and testament, and divorce s." She looked at Susan as she clicked onto the divorce form and pulled it up on the screen. "Thisone ought A familiar to you." Huh?" Susan suddenly realized that Vivian presumed she divorced. "I'm not divorced . . . yet." ivian smiled to herself "I was just testing. Sorry; I didn't you were. You know, Star, you should give it

some ht. It's inevitable, you know. You can't go back to him. life isn't you anymore." san looked back to the screen. "No, it isn't." LAx)k, I don't mean to pry, and you can just tell me to up, whenever. Okay? But don't you think it's time you thinking about the future?" uture?" Susan realized Vivian was right. For months d only been concerned with today. Staying low. Keeping of sight. Wondering how her parents were today. Were trying to find her, too? Would Jim show up again? How she make it emotionally through today? Susan had only 269

Cadwrine Lanigan been able to look down the street to the next block. She couldn't, wouldn't, think long terin. "Yeah, vou know.--your lille." Vivian touched Susan*s arm affectionately. "it isn't always going to be like this for you, Star. You and little boy of your% deserve a happy life. And you're going to too. But you gotta s(art at the beginning and go through it." pointed to (lie screen. Think about it." Susan heard Kate's in her mind.

that sweet get it, Vivian words echo

"IA)ve, happiness, and joy." Now Vivian was saying the same thing. The phone started ringing and Vivian answered it. Susan stared at the blinking cursor under the capital D that began the word Decree. Susan felt her stomach lurch. "Mommy!" Robbie's voice interrupted Susan's thoughts. "I finished decorating the tables. Come see!" He yanked )i her hand. "Okay," she said and put down the head of lettuce she was washing. She turned to the girl next to her. "I'll be right back, Amy." The red-haired young woman smiled broadly. "No hurry. I'll be right here." Robbie was anxious to show Susan his handiwork. The overhead flourescent lights blazed brightly in the meeting hall that had been converted to the (lining room for the holiday. There were gold, brown, and rust paper streamers twis(ed from the center ceiling beam out to six more beams. A huge cardboard and paper turkey hung in the center of the rw)ni. One of the girls was a dynamite scamstress, and she'd made full-sized stuffed dolls of three pilgrims that stood at the front of the room. On each table were the children's works of art. There were decorated apples, pinecones, acorns, and tiny pumpkins with painted Faccs and colored paper pilgrim hats. The food would be served buffet style, so there had been no need to set places. 270 ,,'Inow it's not as pretty apologetically, "but don't you didn't know why, but she burst her knees, pulling Robbie into

as Grandma's house," Robbie think we did a good job sairie?" san into tears. ommy! What is it?" e sank to her arms, and on his shoulder.

"I'm so sorry, Robbie. I'm sorry you -tt at Grandma's house today. I'm sorry I've had to bring with me and made you fight my fight. I'm sorry you 'I have all your little friends to play with today, the way used to. I'm sorry you can't see your daddy today. I wish life was different." She kissed his cheek and felt his small clutch her neck even tighter. I'm sorry, too, Mominy," he said with a catch in his ou know what I've been thinking?" 'What, Mommy?" ,!I've been thinking that we need to plan for our future." bie pulled away from her and looked in her eyes. He the flat of his palm to wipe away her tears. "What kind ans?" plans. Plans so that we never have to go through kind ofthing again. Plans that will make us happy." bie kissed his mother on the cheek. Then he threw his around her neck.

"Is it okay if I make a plan?" ure, Robbie. What plans would you like?" bie used all his courage to ask his mother a question wanted to ask for a very long time. "Can I call ma? I miss her so much." es, Robbie. You can call Grandma." 271

Chapter Twenty-eight New Orleans Annette sat at the table she had so careftilly decorated and looked at the meal she had prepared. Somehow she had man- aged to alienate her only child, her only grandson, and now her husband. She was numb with shock. She couldn't have eaten anything if she tried. She wished she could cry, but she couldn't. All she could do was pray. Annette found it the oddest thing that at a time in her life when most people would have thrown in the towel, given up, or gone back, she was filled with hope. In the deepest part of her soul Annette believed that life had brought her to this point for a reason. She knew that Bart thought she was brainless these days. She knew he was probably telling one his tennis pals at the club that he was considering a mental hospital for her, but she didn't care. Bart had been right when he'd accused her of thinking that Susan would show up on the front doorstep 272 Becoming Annette looked at the clock. It was nearly three. There a lot of hours before this Thanksgiving Day was over. Annette might have done a lot of wrong things in her life. might have been obsessed with surface appearances and mores for too much of her life, and maybe she didn't everything, but she knew her daughter. Mothers had bonds with their children that could never be physically. From the womb to the grave, Annette bein and had experienced that psychic link that men es- and science denounced but secretly wished it could were all going through some trying times, and Anhad suffered some rough scrapes from time to time. But was still alive. She was still battling the game of life, and had taught Annette one thing. les happen. poured herself a glass of wine and was about to lift glass to toast her invisible family when the phone rang. 'Annette nearly flew out of her chair. Before she picked up receiver she knew it was Susan. ,She laid her hand on the receiver. Please, God. sucked in her breath. "H-hello?" ,,"Grandma! Grandma! It's me ... Robbie!" r'l-God in heaven!" Annette found the tears that had evaded for weeks. "Robbie, my baby! Are you,all right?" 'Yes, Grandma Grandma, I miss you! Mommy misses tool" K, 'Oh, Robbie. Is your Mommy there? Can I talk to her?" '.0"Uh-huh. Yeah. Just a minute." tte could hear Robbie handing the receiver to Susan. wants to talk to you, Mommy, but then let me tell her t my turkeys, okay?" ."Okay." Susan's voice was distant, but Annette could hear I nly- dear. Is that you?" Annette was so thrilled to hear 273

Catherine 1,Amigan her daughter, she thought she'd jump out of her skin. "Yes, Mother," Susan said into the receiver. She was crying. "I ... I'm so sorry, Mother." "No! Susan. Don't be sorry! I'm just so happy ... so very happy to hear your voice. Tell me you're all right." "I am, Mother. Both of us are fine. Just fine. Really." Annette was crying so hard, she couldn't see the oil painting on the wall just above her head. "This is an answer to my- prayers. I was so worried...." "I know you were, Mother. But I couldn't risk it. I was afraid you would tell Jim where I was." "Susan, I don't even want to know where you are. I just want you to call me and talk to me. Oh, Susan, dear, I've learned so very, very much since you've been gone. All the things I did ... and didn't do. I want you to know I would never do anything to harm you or Robbie. Ever." "I know, Mother. I know." Annette struggled to get control of-her emotions. "Susan, I want you to know that I'm glad you didn't call before this." "Mother, what are you sayine.11 "Really, dear. Your intuitions were right. Two months ago I might have told Jim. I was so set on putting the family back together, before our friends could find out. I was more frightened of the shame than I was frightened for you. But that was the old me. The new me thinks quite differently." "Mother, I don't know what to say." "Don't say anything, dear. Just promise me that you will call me more often. I'm not going to tell you that you must come home until you feet you're ready. If you say that you and Robbie are fine, I'll take you at your word." "Mother ... thank you." "Susan, I must ask you something." :,Yes?" Susan's voice was filled with apprehension. 'Jim tells us he wasn't abusive. Did he hit you?" 274 Becondng ,Yes, Mother. I was afraid he would hurt Robbie next Annette felt an inner rage uncoil in the depths of her loins. :.Like a trapped animal suddenly unleashed, it spiraled through @@her body at breakneck speed, searching for freedom. 1@'Awwwwww.- Annette felt the pain of her anger clutch at S h. Her fist balled and she slammed it into the wall. was immune to the impacL This viper had come into her nest and harmed her daughter. viper had imperiled the life of her only grandson. For first time Annette knew the kind of hate it took to kill. son of a bitch."

"Mother, please. Let me handle this in my own way." Annette's rage made her mute. "I know my running away has hurt you and Daddy, but it something I had to do. I've learned a lot, too. And I'm ring out what steps I need to take next. Please, give me a little more time." "I ... I could kill him..." Annette finally said. In all of tte's experience things like this didn't happen to "nice" s like Susan. Like herself. That was what her mother had her. Her mother had been wrong. -"Mother, Robbie wants to talk to you. But when you finish want to talk to Daddy." your father isn't here, dear." .'Where is he?" Susan asked. -He ... went out for some whipping crem. For the pump- pie.- "You made pumpkin pie? It's my favorite!" There were in Susan's voice. "I know," Annette said. "Now put Robbie on." "Grandma, I made turkeys out of pinecones that we picked .in the park. And then I painted nuts with gold paint. They k really cool." ,@-What did you do with the turkeys, Robbie?" Annette 275

Cadkerine Unigan asked, not realizing how probing her question. actually was- "They're using them for centerpieces." "Who is?" "Kate and everybody.. ." Robbie's voice traiW off. "We have to go, Mother." "Oh, Susan, We've barely had a chance to talk. Please call me again. I I "I'll try, Mother." ,4why don't we say next Sunday, at dnw? That way I'll plan to be home, and you can speak with your father." Susan sounded unsure. "I love you, Susan. Please." Annette's voice cracked with emotion. "Next Sunday, then. And Mother, I love you, too." Susan hung up. =ette replaced the receiver and sank to the floor, suddenly feeling sapped of all her strength. Thank you,'God. For a wonderful Thanksgiving Day. Houston Michael stood behind Susan in the serving line at La Madeleine's on Westheimer. "Get the French onion soup. Even in Paris they don't make it this good. And a croissant. The romaine Caesar salad is good. Maybe one of the apple turnovers." Susan smiled at him. "Anything else you want, or do you just want to see me get fat?" He splayed his hand on his chest theatrically. "Who me? Naww. I was just making suggestions." "Then let's get everything and split it," she suggested. "No kidding, you'd do that?" "Sure, why not?" "I guess I'm too used to women who want their own 276 Becoming Wk own space, their own,lives, their own cars, their I get-the picture." She laughed as she ordered everything had suggested plus an extra plate. paid the cashier; then they chose a table by the "Sharing is a habit that got lost back there in the eighties, I'm afraid." ly? I hadn't noticed," she said, teasing him. Michael and instantly stabbed his oversized fork into his half ,salad. "You're really different, Star." propped her elbows on the table and rested her chin folded hands. "I find that a safe statement for you to '.,&)rt Of like saying something is interesting. I hate it ,people do that. They won't commit themselves to a one way or the other, so they say, 'I find you very g.' You know? What doesthat mean, exactly? You face, but I'm a little short for you. Or you think I'm t I have a good personality. And what does that T`H " Did you ever think about that? Personality., Just an,,.,mane word with no commitment. Does it mean I'm a n or dull? Smart or stupid? Charming or a social ael kept chomping away at the salad and had finished when Susan stopped talking.

"So basically, you're me you like a commitment kind of person. Is that Susan said, scooping a large spoonful of cheese top of her onion soup. then. I meant you're different from any woman r known in my life. You've been with our firm not weeks and my life has changed because of you." suddenly stopped digging into her soup. Her eyes se as she looked up at him. He didn't stop talking. no, you cracked the Cortez case. Because of your -the police not only apprehended Diego's father but 277

Catherine Lainigan his uncle and the three mechanics that ran the chop shop up in Spring. The story made a headline in the Houston Chronicle and was run on every television channel in the area. You insisted that all the credit be given to me, when I didn't do diddly." "You bailed Diego out of jail as a favor to an old friend. I think that's a lot." "Shut up. Where was I? Oh, yes. Then Viv goes on va- cation and you take over the whole joint like you've been doing it all your life." "She set up an easy program on the computer. A baby could run it." "El wrongo. We've had many try. Few have been chosen." Michael tore off a hunk of croissant and smeared it with orange marmalade. He gulped his iced tea. "You've got the partners so organized that we even know when our shirts are due to be picked up at the laundry. And by the way, thanks for sending the Thanksgiving card to my mother." -You're welcome." "On top of that, you introduce me to your little boy, who is, without a doubt, the greatest kid I've ever met in my life. Swings a mean tennis racket, too." "You didn't have to take him to SportMart." 4'1 wanted to. We had a great time. Besides, you were busy with those contracts for Bradley." "Robbie learned tennis from his grandfathen" "He told me." Michael smiled. Susan finished a large mouthful of salad. "So, how does this make me different?" "Oh, none of that makes you different. I'm presenting my case here." "What case?" "The part that makes you different is that ever since that first day I haven't been able to get you out of my mind." 278 Becoming slow smile crept onto Susan's mouth. "Why, Michael, is " . . . committal of you. " She looked into his blue eyes and realized that he was ply serious. She dropped her light banter. "Michael, Ire serious." ,,-."I've lain awake at night and wondered how I could get r this, or go around my feelings. I didn't want you to think is some kind of sexual harassment thing. Because it's Something is going on here, Star, and I don't know what do about it. I would hate like hell to lose you as an em- I because you've made everybody else completely dent upon you. But I ... well, I guess what I'm trying to is that I want to see you outside the office or more than office. But I don't know if you want to see me." @.Iie took a long, deep breath, as if he were preparing for a squad. He'd done it unconsciously, she knew, but the had made him vulnerable, and she loved him all the for it. usan paused in

her thoughts. Love him? I don't love hinL was true she was attracted to him. She'd liked the look from the first moment she'd seen him coming down at the office. She realized now that some inner signal *",,told her she'd be safe with Michael. It was safe for her 16nture to the jail. Safe to question Mrs. Cortez. Somehow, way, her psyche had known that no harm would come as long as Michael was around. 'd let Robbie go shopping with Michael and play tennis him on a Saturday afternoon when she was working e. She'd never questioned Robbie's safety with Miat a time when she had only been worried about hers Ao ie's safety. hael was like a protective harbor in a raging storm. He inner integrity and honor that she hadn't seen in a lot Her father had it; that was what she'd always loved 279

Catherine Lanigan about him. She'd wanted Jim to have it, but he hadn't Now Michael was telling her that he had feelings for her. He was attracted to her. He was willing to test the waters to see how deep his caring for her ran. She didn't know what to do. "I'm afraid you're more brave than I am," she said finally. "I don't think I can go out with you." Michael didn't miss a beat. "You don't like me,or is it something else?" "I like you, Michael. I think the world of you. It's just that..." "You don't feel 'that way' about me?" She looked at him. She knew she must be nuts. He was the best-looking man in the restaurant. The sunshine danced in his thick dark hair. He was sexy in that pedantic sort of way. He looked like a young George Hamilton, but with brains. "I could definitely feel 'that way,' if I let myself, Michael." Confusion seemed to undermine his self-confidence. "Then it's not me?" "No, Michael." She reached out to touch his hand. It was the first time they'd ever touched. She was unprepared for the thrill that ran up her arm and down her spine when he laced his fingers with hers. He had long, narrow fingers and hands without calluses. They were strong hands, and purposeful. They were warm and caressed her skin with delicate, even strokes. Susan glanced up into his blue eyes. He held her gaze for a long moment. I'm in big trouble, she thought to herself "Michael, my life is such that I don't think it's a good idea for me to involve anyone else in it at this time. I'm afraid one of us would get hurt." "I can take care of myself," he assured her. 280 Becoming I could get hum" would never do anything to hurt you." looked out the window. "If I let myself fall in love you, which would be an easy thing to do, I could lose Michael." She turned her head back to him. "I have a heavy past that I have to face. It's not your problem." Michael squeezed her hand and then placed his other hand top of their fingers. "Maybe I can help." Susan shook her head. "I don't think so. I got myself into mess and I've got to straighten it out ... alone.- "Star, nobody goes through life alone. Haven't you figured much out at least? That's why there're so many of us on earth. We're supposed to be working together. The probis, we're not smart enough to see it." "I don't even know how to start, Michael." He grinned at her, pulled her hand to his lips, and kissed finger.

"Why don't you start by telling me your real 281

Chapter Twenty-nine Susan told Michael her first name, but that was all. If she was failing in love with him, that was one thing. Trusting him was another. She told him Robbie's name, but she kept the Kaiser. She was testing Michael just as much as he was testing her. Michael was an attorney, and it would be too easy for him to make a phone call or two, find out who she was and where she was from. She wanted to tell him about herself, but in bits and pieces, like most lovers did when they were getting to know each other. Susan gave herself the luxury of time. Heading into the holidays meant extra work at the law firm for Michael and Susan. With Vivian taking half days off and extended lunch hours to finish plans for her wedding, Susan was overloaded with paperwork. Though Michael would have loved to spend his lunch hours with her, he always seemed to be on the go. Susan was amazed at how her life had worked out. She truly felt she was accomplishing something worthwhile in the office, and at the same time she didn't feel guilty about leav- 282 Becoming ,.1obbie. Because the children rode the bus back to the r every afternoon there were dozens of children for him play with, not to mention the Christmas craft workshops bie attended in order to make the presents he intended to nd to his grandparents and to Jim. Susan had walked into their "living room" to find Robbie :0111 the floor, filling a milk carton with ice cubes. She had d melting bars of paraffin wax on the stove for the ice es they were making. "Can we make one of the candles blue?" Robbie asked. "I could put food dye in the wax and see what suppose we pens. Who is the blue one for?" Robbie's hand stopped midair. He dropped the ice cube the milk carton. "For Daddy. .." he said tentatively. Susan thought she'd been swallowed up by the floor. Why 't she seen this coming? How long did she think she uld go on running from her memories and Robbie's past? was natural, at this time of year especially, to remember y the good things about one's life. Because she had proted Robbie from the truth for so long, he had more good remember than she didSusan sat down on the floor beside him. "You miss your dy, don't you, Robbie?" "Sometimes." He kept his eyes on his work. "I know you do. But it would be dangerous for us to mail .';4im a present because he would see the postmark, and then 'd know where to find us." She put her arms around him. "Oh, Robbie, I'm so sorry our lives are like this. I would ..give anything to be a normal family. To have a home ag'am where we were safe." Robbie tried hard not to cry. He wanted to feel like his s defender, as he had when they'd first begun their -adventure. But he didn't feel like that anymore. He liked the ,lids at the mission. He had more fun with them than even P his friends back home. He'd learned a lot of new things here, 283

Catherine lartigan too. But this wasn't a real family. It wasn't his family. He believed that if he could just tell his daddy how much he hurt his mommy, maybe everything would be okay. Robbie wanted to go back to New Orleans, but he could never, ever tell his mother that. He loved her. He had to be strong for her. He just had to. "It's okay, Mommy. I won't let anything bad happen to you. You,re safe with me." Robbie smiled at her and kissed her cheek- Susan knew it was childish of her to lean on her little boy, but sometimes, when the hour of one's life is so greatly dark, a child's hope is the only light you see. Susan didn't wait the full week to call her mother. Once she'd made contact she discovered she'd missed her parents greatly. Fortunately, her father was home when she called again. Bart was thrilled to hear from Susan, and he spent a long time talking to Robbie. Yet, when her mother got on the extension phone Susan detected a distance between her parents. Susan wasn't sure what was happening with her parents, but they were different with each other somehow. There was no question in Susan's mind that her mother had changed. She no longer spoke of being ill. She talked of a six-week course she'd enrolled in at Tulane, and said that she was reading over the curriculum for the winter quarter. Annette's attitude was fiery and hopeful. Bart was just the opposite. Susan noticed that she had fallen into the daughter role with her father as if nothing had ever happened. She also noticed that her father spoke to her and Robbie in the same way, as if they were both children. When Annette spoke Bart was either curt, cutting her off, or he said nothing at all. Susan promised herself that when she called again she would get to the bottom of this change. She thanked both her 284 Becoming for not demanding that she come home for the hoheven though she knew they wanted her to return. -,,.Susan hadn't told her parents about her job yet, but she she would soon. She thought it wise to move them ._7 ly into her new life. She especially couldn't tell them It Michael. How could she possibly explain her feelings this man who was becoming so important to her when wasn't sure where they were headed? How long could wait before telling Michael that she was stiff married? How was it possible her life now was more complicated it had been only a few months ago, when she was workas a maid, hiding out in her apartment and fearful of every r she met? At the time she'd believed things couldn't 'more convoluted. She'd been wrong. -Susan had never counted on falling in love. She'd never d she could feel this much emotion for a man. She'd herself that she was reacting to her loneliness. She re- over and over again not to think about Michael. She keep her guard up. She would watch her heart. But time, he stepped into the office, every time he called on his car phone, every time he summoned her over the Susan found there was a smile on her face. Every step she took with Michael forced her future to col- with her past, and Susan hadn't the slightest idea how to the explosion. "'JI.-When Susan unlocked the door to the office the phone was nngingWithin the first half hour that morning Susan it was going to be another week of late nights. The part about that was that, with so much overtime

Susan's checks were swelling, and with the extra income she was to plan for the future. She wanted to find an apartment. Susan propped up her feet on the coffee table in a back that had once been the butler's pantry but was now used the staff for breaks and lunches. She was reading the apart- -for-rent ads and scooping out the last spoonful of 285

Catherine Lanigan strawberry yogurt when Michael came rushing in. 1, Houston's weather was still balmy, so Michael had worn only a shirt, tie, and slacks. As usual, his clothes were neat and well coordinated, without looking stiff or overdone. "There you are!" He smiled happily and flopped down on the sofa next to her, "I thought you might be playing hooky." She glanced up at him. "Me? Hooky? Never!" "Thank God-a woman of principle! At least promise you won't play without me." He took her hand and kissed it. Then he leaned over to give her a quick kiss on the lips. Susan almost didn't want the kiss to end. It had been a long time since she'd been really kissed. And she'd worked diligently at her self-control to keep from kissing Michael. She knew herself well enough to be certain that if he rushed her, if he moved too quickly, she wouldn't be responsible for controlling her long-pent-up desire. There were times when Michael would come down the stairs and just the sight of him would make her blush. Sometimes she would catch him looking at her and know what he was thinking. She was thinking the same thing herself She wanted him; there was no denying it. But the best thing for Susan was to keep their relationship fight and breezy. What Susan didn't know was that Michael realized she was tiptoeing. He'd planted his feet solidly on her turf. "Whatcha doin'T' he asked brightly. Susan folded the newspaper. "Dreaming." She glanced at her watch. "Good Lord! I've taken all of nine and a half minutes for lunch!" "Gads!" Michael slapped the side of his face and rolled his eyes. Then he jumped off the sofa. "We must hurry. Justice needs us. Law and order must prevail in the land!" He grabbed her hand and pulled her so forcefully to her feet that she nearly flew up against his chest. Michael didn't miss a beat. His voice was instantly low and seductive as he quickly 286 Becoming big arms around Susan and gazed into her eyes. 4 4you no idea how much I want to make love to you right 'Michael Susan should have known this kiss was I.C@;.coming. She should have been prepared for it, but how does one prepare oneself for the most earth-shattering, moving exOcrience of a lifetime? she asked herself. His lips were tender and forceful, sensuous and caring all the same time. Susan had no idea a kiss could be like this. cradled her head with his right hand and pressed his left into the small of her back. She could feel his shirt butthrough the soft sweater she wore. His lips were coaxing, demanding that she open her mouth him. Her mind told her to resist. Her heart opened to him letely. When his tongue touched hers, she felt a bolt of tricity shoot down her spine and then boomerang back all way to her loins. She slid her arms around his neck and her fingers

in his nape. She turned her head, hoping would probe deeper. She melted into him with wonderment. She felt as if she 7.1,we sliding right through him into his heart. She could feel :his love surging through her, giving her confidence and as- ,surance that what they shared was meant to be. Never had she felt so much love, so much deep concern for her from ,-another person. Susan was certain she wasn't breathing anymore. Time had 1:1stopped long ago. Only the thundering of her heartbeat clocked the moments. They were suspended in the universe in a netherworld between space and time that all true lovers discover when they finally find the other half of their souls. Michael was breathing heavily as he slid his mouth to her neck and then to her ear. He hugged her so tightly, Susan thought her ribs would crack. "I don't know what came over me. I'm sorry ... I'm not sorry. I know you wanted to wait." He traced the shell of her ear with his tongue. 287

Catherine Lanigan Susan shivered. "How ... how did you know thatT, He chuckled but continued to plant tiny hot kisses on the column of her neck. Slowly his hand slid up her ribcage and captured her breast. He sucked in his breath. "Because you tense up whenever I come near you." "I do?" He let his fingers fondle her soft flesh. He kissed her shoulder through the sweater. His caresses became more insistent. His breath came in a series of pants. "Oh, damn. I ... I gotta stop." He smiled at her and then pulled her closer into his body. Susan could feel his very hard erection against her abdomen. She smiled back. "That's why I wanted to go slowly." His blue eyes had turned a dark and smokey violet. He closed them and let his lips linger over her mouth just one more time. "You're intoxicating. She slipped her arms around his neck again and kissed him back as an emotional explosion burst within her. Her lips were quivering. A tide of tears assailed her closed eyelids. Her heart skipped a beat and then jumped ahead two beats. She didn't know what was happening, only that she was hold- ing on to Michael. She buried her head into his shoulder. "Oh, Michael. What's happening? Why am I so sad when I should be happy?" "I don't know, love. But it's a sure bet it has little to do with me, and more to do with those secrets you've got stashed away inside there." He tapped her heart with his index finger. "Maybe once you let the demons out, you'll find out they aren't quite so terrible." "I'm so scared," she muttered and clung to him more tightly. "I know you are." He hugged her back. "I'm here, Susan. I'm not going away. I want to help you deal with whatever it is you're afraid of. We can fight your battles together, you 288 Becoming Nobody said you had to be alone. Did you ever think that way?" -"No... well..." She looked at him. He wiped away her with his fingers. "When I was a child my mother used tell me that God sent angels when you needed them most." Michael smiled and raised his eyebrow puckishly. "That's @Susan. You've discovered my secret. Archangel Michael :yaw service." He lifted his hand to his mouth, rolled it, then tooted it like a horn. "Who was the guy with the n.

"That's Gabriel." --a.0h, sorry.,, 'd started to kiss her again when the telephone rang. frowned. Michael kissed 'her on the cheek. ty calls," she said, touching his hand as she walked ayAfter Susan left Michael picked up the newspaper she was ng and opened it to approximately the place where he ught she had been reading. There in the middle of the page had circled several ads under the heading "Furnished ents for Rent." Michael refolded the newspaper and placed it on the coffee He went out into the reception area, where Susan was sit- at her desk answering the phone. "I've got to go out for it. "But you have a three o'clock with Mrs. Aberdeen." "I'll be back in time." He smiled and rushed out the door. Michael called his friend, Harry Metcalf, from his car P hone. "Harry, old buddy. How was the honeymoon?" "Incredible. I think we had sex on every island in the Ca- "Lucky guy." "Yeah, this marriage stuff agrees with me. We've been 289

Catherine Lanigan back less than a week. Enna is still at her mother's packing her stuff. We're almost living apart waiting for the house to be finished." "How is the house going?" Harry was forty years old, newly married for the first time, and building his fourth house. "It's a monster, but I love it." "How long are you planning to stay in this house?" Michael asked, knowing that though Harry was a personal injury attorney and doing quite well for himself, his real love-was architecture and building. Many times Michael had tried to convince Harry into going into the building business fulltime, but Harry readily admitted he didn't have the courage. "Erma says it's her dream house. Says she Wants to live and die in the place. I told her to dream bigger." "That's you, Harry, always the rolling stone. Say, Harry, are you still interested in renting your pied-i-terre?" " "Me Rat Hole'?- "Harry, it's a nice place to the rest of the population." "I keep it only for sentimental value." Harry sighed. "You're such a sensitive guy, Harry," Michael teased. "Knock it off. I've had that place since I was twenty. I lost my virginity in that apartment." "Ah, fond memories." Michael knew that Harry had kept the apartment through his college days at Rice and law school, and always used the apartment when he was "in transition" from one building project to another. "Actually, we're moving into the big house this weekend. Erma wants to live in the house for a month or two to get the feel of it and all that, before she buys new furniture.,, "I've got someone in mind who'd like to sublet your apartment." "Uh, I don't think so, Michael. The Rat Hole is very important to me. I've always inspected the renters very carefully. I don't let just anybody rent from me, you know." 290 Becoming this isn't just anybody., I think I'm going to many Michael said. whooped and hollered into the phone. "Well, damn, 1. 1 can't believe it! You just get your butt over here tell me all about this new development." ael smiled to himself The apartment was as good as Is. "I just pulled up to your office." ell, c'mon up, buddy." 291

P" * Chapter 1 nirty Susan was cleaning up her desk on Wednesday night. She turned off the computer and covered it. She emptied the trash and turned the calendar page to the first of December. Tomorrow would begin a new mofith. She was amazed at how fast time was passing. Michael came bounding down the stairs, his physical presence seeming to take over the room as it always did. They were the last to leave the building that night. She handed him completed contracts and a very long brief he'd needed. "You look as tired as I do," she said. "Naaaaw. I don't look that bad, do IT' he teased, and then took her in his arms and kissed her playfully. "Michael, you always make me laugh." "Good. I couldn't ask for a better beginning." He leaned away from her and scrutinized her face more carefully. "I think we're overworking you...." "No, really, I'm fine. I stayed up too late last night making ice c s with Robbie." 292 Becoming up his face. "Now that is a new one on me. take you out for a drink and then you can candies to me." -Michael. I'm just too fired. I must be getting old. her neck. "Yeah. Just my kind of old, too." felt a spnnklmg of goosebumps cover her arms and "Michael, I would love to continue this . . ." she neck as he continued to plant tiny kisses down her "but I have to get home to Robbie. These late-night 't good for him or me." rstand completely." Michael smiled as he released ;..'In fact, tell him you'll be home early tomorrow. We're caught up. Maybe you could just come in an hour and then be home at say, four tomorrow." 1, that would be wonderful!" ider it done." kissed him on the cheek. 'Men he pointed to the other She kissed him again. at's better," he said. "Susan, I was wondering if you plans for the weekend. You and Robbie, I mean," he quickly. ing special. Why?" She finished turning out the and walked to the door. radley and I have rented a beach house down at Gal- for 'Dickens on the Strand.' I was wondering if you obbie would like to go." ;"'Well, I don't know. What is 'Dickens on the Strand'?" asked. Susan didn't realize how much about herself she'd revealed that single question. Michael knew at that moment that san was probably in more trouble than he'd thought. Few ve Texans were unaware of Dickens on the Strand. That like saying you'd never heard of the Houston Livestock and Rodeo. It was Michael's bet that Susan was from of state. He hated himself for always playing detective. 293

Catherine Lanigan He hated it even more that Susan didn't trust him yet. He wondered if she ever would. "Dickens on the Strand, my dear, is something that a young boy like Robbie shouldn't miss. The Galveston residents dress up in Victorian costume and parade down the main street of town every year on the first Saturday in December. There are jugglers, clowns, booths where people sell their crafts, and just about every kind of junk food a Idd could want. Big kids, too. We rented a beautiful house. You can go for a walk on the beach; maybe we could rent some horses and go for a ride. Tbere're plenty of bedrooms." She looked at him cautiously. "Well, I'm not sure..." Michael knew what was troubling her. "Susan, you and Robbie will have your own room and bath. I have the master suite upstairs and Bradley takes the master suite downstairs. You'll love it. Say you'll come." Michael was smiling so charmingly at her, she knew she couldn't refuse. "Okay. I think it would be good to gel away." "You deserve it. So does Robbie." "When do we leave?" "We'll shut down the office at about three-thirty or four. My car will already be packed; I like to beat the Friday traffic. Then we'll stop by and get Robbie and be on our way. I have to hit the grocery on my way out of town. Friday night is my night to cook." "You? Cook?" Susan laughed. "Hey! I'm a great cook." "This I've got to see." December was unusually balmy and sunny. Robbie wore shorts and a T-shirt as they rode to Galveston in Michael's car. They had stopped at the grocery store and loaded up the trunk with enough groceries to feed a small nation. Michael said a "few friends" would be stopping by after the parade. 294 Becoming ,.0 beginning to realize this was going to be some week- ie house sat on stilts high above the dunes and a block the Gulf of Mexico. A wide wraparound balcony over- I the rolling waves. Susan was already looking forward sunsets she would, see from the deck. ithael had barely parked the car when Robbie had un- his seat belt and asked Michael to unlock the door. a typical eight-year-old, Robbie had to be the first into se to explore its many rooms. Robbie bounded up the outside wooden staircase M

floor of the house.

"Take a look at this deck, I've never seen anything like this! I bet I could see all @'Way to Mexico!" He put his hand over his eyes and inted. Then he proceeded to sit in every chair and chaise the deck. He raced around to the back of the house. Susan ld hear his voice calling to her. "Come look at this! A ard! Two surfboards!" usan helped Michael unload the trunk. Loaded down with Is, sheets, and groceries, Susan and Michael climbed the .1. Michael unlocked the door. "I take it he likes the place." Michael laughed. .,Susan followed

Michael inside. "Oh, my God! Thi

s is inible!"

"You sound like Robbie," he teased, and put the groceries the long granite countertop. The walls of' the main room were floor-to-ceiling glass. .an thought not one speck of fabulous eye-pleasing vista ould be missed from these windows. Sea, sand, and sky med to surround her. On the interior wall to the right was enormous stone fireplace that soared over thirty feet to the k of the vaulted ceiling. The floors were bleached pine. A ite canvas sectional sofa with navy piping rounded the in. The tables were bleached pine and glass, and every- 295

Catherine Lanigan where were exotic corals, shells, and handpainted wooden replicas of tropical fish. The kitchen boasted every modem appliance and then some. There was a huge wet bar, a stocked wine rack, and an ice maker. The cabinets were whitewashed pine with polished brass handles. Robbie raced inside. "Wow! Oh, wow! This is aaawwwesome!" He went to the fireplace and found die built-in gas log starter. "Can we make a fire later?" Susan shook her head. "Robbie, it's seventy-five degrees outside." "Maybe it'll cool off," Robbie offered. "So, we'll crank up the air conditioning," Michael said. Susan shot him a quizzical look. Michael shrugged his shoulders good-naturedly. "The kid wants a fire? It's Christmas; he can have a fire." "Cool," Robbie said, and took off to explore the bedrooms. "Hey, Mom! There's a Jacuzzi tub in your bedroom." "Wrong," Michael called out to Robbie. "That's my room. Yours is on the other side." "Oh." Robbie sheepishly phdded across the hall to the opposite side. "Neato!" Robbie rushed out to the kitchen. "Mom! Come look! You can walk right out onto the balcony from the bedroom!" Robbie pulled Susan toward the bedroom. "Okay, I'm going," she said as she put down the can of soup that she'd just pulled from the grocery bag. Once Susan was out of the room Robbie whispered toMichael, "I think you should let my mom take a bath in your tub. She's worked awfully hard. Please?" Michael had never had brothers or sisters, nieces or nephews. He'd never known what it was like to look into the eyes of a pleading child. Robbie's unselfishness and love for Susan caught Michael with a lump in his throat. He wanted to pick up the boy and hug him. It was the first time in his life Mi- 296 k Becoming in his head and his heart that he would like "Sure," was all Michael could say. Robbie raced off to the bedroom. Suddenly he to a. stop on the toes of his sneakers. He nearly jack- the wall. "Michael?" Robbie?" Robbie smiled and gave Michael a high sign. returned the salute. house slept twelve people and by eight o'clock eleven sent. Bradley had brought his fianc6e, Deborah. Jess and his wife, Karen, Stewart and Mary

Mets, and Stacy Stoker rounded out the group. All of the men ,,,-attorneys except for Ron, who owned his own construcpany and was one of Michael's clients. an learned that each couple was responsible for one of s over the weekend. Friday night was traditionally an. Saturday night was to be Italian, and Saturday and brunches were up to the cooks' discretion. night, as the guests arrived, unpacked, and introthemselves to Susan and Robbie, Susan -discovered I's culinary skills. 'Ila soup is my specialty," Michael bragged as he a half dozen large cans of chicken vegetable soup. He three double-sized cans of whole tomatoes, plus four offrijoles negras, a small jar of jalapefios, and two cups 0 celery. You call this cooking?" Susan asked, looking down into monstrously large pot of soup. @*Do you see that gas flame under this pot?" he asked. "Well, yes. "Then, I'm cooking." He smiled charmingly. Next, he chopped fresh tomatoes and avocados into small nks. He told her that each bowl was to be filled with soup, n topped with crushed com chips and sprinkled with ched- 297

Catherine Lanigan dar cheese, bits of tornato, and finallyzgarnished with avocado. Michael spread dill butter on half a dozen loaves of French bread, then heated them. While Susan set the table with bowls, spoons, and bread plates, Michael made frozen margaritas in the blender. He filled two huge plastic gallon containers with the frozen con- coction and put them in the freezer. Dinner was never formally served; rather, everyone grabbed a bowl and bread and sat inside or on the balcony. Stacy and Ron took their bowls down to the beach. Glorious lavender and mauve ribbons of light swirled across the horizon as the sun set. Michael took the CD player to the balcony and stacked Kenny G next to BarTy Manilow and Linda Ronstadt. Robbie fell asleep on the floor, watching the fire in the fireplace. Michael carried him into the bedroom, took off his sandy sneakers and socks, and covered him with a comforter. When he walked back out to the balcony Susan had already poured them each a margarita. They sat in the navy-andwhite-striped chaise longues at the far end of the deck, away from Bradley and Deborah, who were gazing more at each other than at the rising moon. An evening breeze washed over the balcony as the music mingled with the sound of rustling palm fronds. Susan looked out at the rolling waves as they reflected the silver moonlight. She leaned her head back against the cushion and gazed at the stars. Michael reached over and held her hand. She'd seen stars and the moon before. None of this was new. She remembered pointing out the constellations to Robbie. But in all her life she'd never experienced a night as intoxicating as this. Somewhere between the music and the stars she'd been trapped by the romance of it all. She looked at Michael and wondered whether the man had anything to do with the mood. 298 Becoming your thoughts," he said. drink down on the deck. '17his is heady stuff." it's not. I make em very weak." TI sat up. He leaned his elbows on his knees and hands under his chin. "I think we should talk, to smile, but when she saw the serious look in she swallowed hard. "Okay." 4hen they heard the sound of Deborah's laughter. Mi- "How about a walk on the beach?" ly," Susan replied as he pulled her up from her -,For a long moment she gazed into his eyes. Michael 01',;good man. He had no vices she could see. He didn't drink, or do drugs. He didn't even eat junk food. He 'eunsiderate of her, and she could tell he was already attached to Robbie. He was respected in his work unity and he had a great sense of humor. Michael t. hael's only flaw was that he'd fallen in love with her. Gulf water had chilled only a few degrees from its bathwater temperature. Susan let the low rolling lick her toes before walking down the beach a half to a small dune studded with sea grass. Michael spread 'sweatshirt on the ground for her to sit on. y had walked in silence, both knowing they were crmg course tonight. usan wanted this boat she was driving to slow down. Mi- wanted it to speed up. chael

plucked a long stalk of sea grass and twisted it his fingers. "You'll have to pardon me, Susan, for not ing how to begin. I haven't been in this position be- Not yet, Susan thought. "What position is that?" She for time. She needed more time. But time for what? 299

Catherine Lanigan Time to know whether she loved Michael? Time to somehow put all the pieces of her past together so they made sense? That could never happen. Her past was a jumbled mess. For the first time in weeks she thought of Jim. How odd it was that she didn't think of Jim, the man, her husband, when she thought of her past. She thought of her past as a time when she was unhappy. A time when she'd only wanted the pain to end. A time when she was angry that she was being forced to walk on eggshells. A time she made come to an end by running away. And now here was Michael. She knew what he wanted from her. She just wasn't sure she could give it. At least not now. She turned to face him. Moonlight danced in his dark hair. He'd taken off his glasses and put them in the breast pocket of his T-shirt. Sincerity gleamed in his eyes. Susan wanted to reach out to him but fear shackled her heart. "What position, Michael?" she repeated. "That of being in love with another man's wife." There, he thoughL I've said it. "I wanted to tell you. . "'Men why didn't you?" he said, anger turning to hurt. "Michael, I haven't known you long enough to..." "To trust me?" he interrupted. "Yes." He tossed the sea grass onto the sand. "I'm sorry; I shouldn't have pushed you." "I just need more time." He reached out to touch her hand. "I understand. I do. You'll have to get used to impatient, you know."

my impatience. I am

"I noticed." She smiled and touched his cheek. "Oh, you did? I thought I was the only one who knew." Michael tried to be light, but his heart was heavy. "The rea- 300 Becoming that, Susan, is because I have come to care a t you. A great deal." 1, maybe you shouldn't..." stood angrily. "Dammit, maybe I just should. I'm careful. I'm sick of waiting for you to make the I'm sick of thinking about you all night long. I to waste any more of my life hernming and hawing body else creates a life and I'm standing here on s looking like everything is peachy. It's not." stood next to him. "You're the finest person I've Michael. I would be lying if I told you I didn't care , too. I've found that my day doesn't start until I 'or talk to you. I get up before dawn every morning a goofy teenager and I think, I still have to wait a half more hours until I can see Michael. Now ad." Was smiling. Not much, but he was smiling.

"That's at's good-- she said with a heavy sigh, "I've come through a the last year. I have a long way to go, Michael. And I want to, drag, you into my mess." Suddenly Susan's were getting caught on her tears. "You don't know I'm from and what's waiting back there for me.started to walk away. grabbed her arm and pulled her gently back toward him. ssed her face into his chest while she cried. was awful, Michael. I thought he would kill me. I t he would kill Robbie. He's still trying to find me. I safe at the mission. I don't feel safe anywhere else." She sobbing. She felt her stomach roll over. She would never ,',anything that would cause her to risk losing Robbie. Robwas her life. Yet she loved Michael, and she didn't want e him either. Susan saw no way out. I'll keep you safe, Susan. As God is my witness, I'll help 301

Catherim Lanigan you in any way I can. We can beat this thing together. Just give me a chance." Susan was crying so hard she couldn't talk. She didn't want Michael to see her like this. Why was it she was always so emotional around him? Why couldn't she be calm and confident? Why couldn't they simply enjoy the holiday? What was the matter with her? "I'm sorry..." Susan broke away from him and started running down the beach toward the house. "Susan!" Michael called and ran after her. Then he remembered his sweatshirt. He doubled back quickly to get the shim "Susan! Wait! We can talk about this!" Susan raced like the wind toward the lighted house. Bradley and Deborah saw her ftom the balcony. "Hey! Susan!" they shouted and waved. "C'mon, Susan! You can beat that old man! He hasn't jogged in months. T11is is great!" Bradley shouted to her. It wasn't until she reached the top of the steps and Bradley and Deborah saw that Susan's mascara had run down her cheeks that they realized this was not a game. Bradley said nothing. Deborah stepped up to Susan. -Do you need any help?" 'No." She glanced behind her. "Just some sleep." Susan went into the house. "Susan!" Michael shouted from the bottom of the stairs. He took the steps two at a time. Bradley went to Michael. "She said she was going to bed, Michael. Is everything okay?" Michael ran his hand through his rumpled hair. "Peachy. Just peachy." Breakfast detail was headed up by Stacy and Ron. Susan arose at dawn, made the first pot of coffee, and went out on the balcony to watch the sunrise. Since Robbie had fallen asleep so early he was awake before seven. Susan fixed a 302 Becoming for him, and as he finished the last spoonful, out to the kitchen. need help fixing breakfast?" Susan offered. crew will sleep in fill ten. Several of them were I noticed there were no margaritas left." idly if Michael had broken his normal had too much to drink. bed Susan's face. "I heard you and Michael had of disagreement last night." She held up her hand --an started to protest. "It would be pretty tough to thing like that a secret with us all in such close Look, I don't know what's going on, but I've known for a long time. I've never seen him drunk, last night I can tell you this-he's nuts about you." Susan said. Then she glanced down at Robbie he was all ears. "Let's go down to the beach e some sand castles. What do you say?" ure, Mom.' sure you don't need any help with breakfast?" o. You go on," Stacy answered.

grabbed a pail and shovel he'd found on his exploof the garage the afternoon before. rained sometime during the night, though Susan "t t sure when it could have been, since she'd stayed thinking about Michael till nearly dawn. The sun the air instantly and burned away low hovering hes of steamy fog. y went to the east, in the opposite direction of where and Michael had walked the night before. She didn't want over anymore memories than was necessary. They found a particularly clean stretch of beach where the r rushed into a little gully. It was perfect for castle mak- Robbie dipped his bucket into the wet sand and dumped it t to make the foundation. Susan began trickling sand and 303

Cadierine Lanigan water through her fingem her mind a million miles away. Or rather a block away, in the master suite of the beach house. She wondered whether Michael had slept any better than she had. "What's the matter, Mommy?" Susan looked at Robbie's very concerned face. "Nothing for you to worry about, pumpkin." "What did you fight with Michael about?" He looked at the sand castle now, instead of Susan. I 'We didn't fight. Not really. It's just that adults have hard times talking to each other sometimes. Do you know what I mean?" "Uh-huh." He dripped sand off the ends of his fingertips to make a particularly tall spire. "I like Michael, Mom." Robbie sat back, pulled up his knees, and folded his arms aronnd them. "It was nice of him to bring us here." "Yes, it was." "He's not mad at me, is he?" "Heavens, no! Robbie, he thinks the world of you." :'Then why is he mad at yqu?" 'He's not mad. Not really. Michael and I are good ftiends. Nothing serious has happened. Don't you worry about a thing. We're going to have a great time at the parade." Robbie watched as his mother went back to making the sand castle. Something was definitely wrong. He had the feeling she was lying to him. Ever since she'd started her new job Robbie's mom had been the happiest he'd ever seen her. Not even when they lived in New Orleans on Christmas Day had he ever seen her smile as much as she did every day when she went to work. Robbie liked knowing that his mother was happy. Today she looked very sad. He hadn't seen her look this sad in a long time. She'd been afraid from time to time-like when they had to leave the apartment and come to the mission-but she hadn't been sad. 304 Becoming the definite feeling that Michael was making id. He figured she thought it would upset him to y she was sad. Robbie thought that was stupid. He'd w the truth than worry about her. was only one thing Robbie could do: He would ask 305

P-jr,IJF o Chapter i virty-one The parade started at two o'clock. It was nothing like the Macy's Thanksgiving Parade, which Robbie had seen on TV, but it was pretty neat all the @same. He saw ladies dressed in hoop skirts, velvet bonnets, and lace gloves. The men wore suit coats with long tails hanging down the back and tall top hats in felt, beaver, and velvet. He saw boys his age dressed in knickers, suspenders, brown shoes, long stockings, and tweed caps. Little girls dressed in pinafores and bloomers walked down the street pushing wicker baby doll carriages. He saw clowns on stilts, fire eaters, a 150-year-old fire engine, horses with plumes and velvet drapes, and Santa Clauses weanng red velvet bathrobes. "What do you think of the parade, Robbie?" Deborah asked. Robbie frowned at the last Santa Claus, who had opened his long robe to reveal three small children with ashenlooking faces and dark-rimmed eyes. "It's pretty weird." Susan laughed and explained to Robbie about the Dicken's 306 Becoming ,,W'd never read. As each -character passed in the an described who they were and their part in the r and Robbie had a difficult time ,trowds, got thicke parade. Michael leaned down, took Robbie's -the hoisted him up onto his shoulders. I can see great from up here. Who's that guy?" Ipointed at a little boy with a crutch sitting on a man's much the same as Robbie was sitting on Michael's. Is Tiny Tim and his father, Bob Cratchit," Susan we should rent the video, Mom." Agree!" Michael, Bradley, and Susan said in unison. the parade ended Michael suggested that they walk the food stalls first and then go look at the craft fair. ate grilled shrimp on a stick, a funnel cake, and a Susan shared a smoked turkey leg with Michael. was eyeing the ice cream booth when a little girl him with flowers painted all over her face. ie looked at her and she stopp@d. She smiled. smiled back. "Say, those are neat. Did your mom paint for you?" "'No," she said I batting her eyelashes at him. obbie noticed there was some kind of sparkly stuff on her lashes. She looked like a fairy. He smiled again. "Who , then?" The little girl turned around and pointed across the street a red-and-white-striped tent. "That lady over there does it. can paint anything." The little girl turned back to him smiled mischievously. "Even you!" And she ran away. Michael watched the encounter between the children. ould you like to get your face painted, Robbie?" Robbie saw the sign that said the face painting was ten liars. That seemed like an awful lot of money just to have ome flowers painted on his face. He looked up at Michael. 307

Catherine Lanigan He shook Ins head, and then quickly turned back to watch a little boy having his face painted. The lady was drawing a Chinese dragon on the boy's face. Now Robbie really wanted his face painted. Robbie stuck his hand into his mother's hand. "We can go now." But he didn't take his eyes off the face painter. "C'mon," Michael said, taking Robbie's hand out of Susan's and walking him across the street. Robbie couldn't believe painted. He should tell come to the mission and with all his might that

it; Michael was going to let him get his face him not to. He remembered when they'd had to his mother had no money left. He'd wished then he had ten dollars for her.

"Pick out a design you'd like, Robbie," Michael said. "It's ten dollars, Michael." Robbie looked up at him. It was the sun, that stupid blinding sun, Robbie thought., that was making his eyes water. He lowered his head. He didn't want Michael to see him crying. Michael quickly realized something was wrong. He stooped down to Michael so that he could whisper in his ear. "It's okay, Robbie. I've got ten dollars." Robbie put his hand over his mouth as he spoke into Michael's ear. "If I had Maybe ... felt that feel such thought.

ten dollars ... back then ... I could have helped my mom. we wouldn't have had to go to the mission ... maybe." Michael lump again. He felt like crying himself. Such a little boy to huge responsibility. How much he loved his mother, Michael

"Robbie, if you d never come to the mission, then I would never have known you. And I think that's a wonderful thing. I want very much to be your friend. Do you like being my friend?" Robbie nodded. He felt his tears go away. "You pick out a design, okay?" "Okay." Robbie chose a medieval dragon blowing smoke for one 308 Becoming 4knight in shining armor holding up his sword for He felt proud when he walked over to show his 4@nd the others his face painting. s softa like a tattoo," Robbie said proudly to Stacy and it didn't hurt at all." walked down the sidewalk, Robbie slipped his Michael's. Susan held Robbie's other hand. kalian dinner that evening was prepared by Bradley There were three kinds of pasta, linguine, angel cheese tortellini topped with either marinara or white @Vwce- Deborah made her favorite fruit salad tossed with coconut and yogurt. With wine and French bread no the table hungry. promised, Michael rented the video of A Christmas all the while scolding Susan for neglecting Robbie's - When the video ended Robbie fell asleep on the ith the remote control still in his hand. ichael, Bradley, Ron, Stacy, and Jess were engaged in an discussion about law and order in America. Susan cleaning the kitchen with Deborah, since they were anup crew that night. rah poured herself the last cup of coffee and joined 7,@others in the living room. No one noticed that Susan d out the door and went down to

the beach. w wonderful it was to be alone with only the sea and ,sky, she thought. The stars were even bigger and brighter they'd been the night before. he couldn't help but think how infinitesimal her life and problems were in the grand scheme of things. She was a y. She could take a plane or bus out of here and few le would know she'd ever been here. There were so any others with greater problems than hers. -She gazed for a long time at the horizon. A fine thread of er separated the indigo sky from the jet black sea. A hund years from now no one would ever know that Susan 309

Catherine Lanigan Beaulieu Kidd ever lived. Just as she walked on this beach and the surf erased her footsteps, her life would pass in the blink of the cosmic eye. She barely counted for much when all was said and done. "Susan..." Michael walked up behind her. She didn't move. She felt she was in a trance, listening to the call of the roaring sea. "Susan." Michael put his hands on her shoulders and turned her to face him. Torrents of tears slicked her face as if she'd been in a rainstorm. She could barely hear him. Her tears blinded her. But she could feel him. She could feel his hands. She could feel his fear. Why the for it.

should he be afraid? Susan was the one who was in trouble. She was one without answers. She didn't know where to go or even whom to ask direction in her liffe. To her thinking she'd made a foul mess of She'd never felt so despondent in her life.

"Susan, darling." Michael pulled her into his arms and pressed her close. He was shaking. Trembling. Why was he doing that? She could feel his heart beat. She could feel the rise and fall of his chest as he breathed. She felt his warmth. Suddenly she remembered the part of her logic that was missing. Michael would miss her if shelwasn't there. Robbie, too. And her mother. And her father. "I told you before, Susan, we can work this out together. Nothing is so difficult that we can't overcome it. Let me help you, Susan. Let me inside." She held on to him and cried. She cried so hard her ribs hurt and her lungs burned. They sat on the beach and Michael rocked her like a baby until all her tears were expelled. She blew her nose and then cried some more. 310 Becoming taid nothing except to encourage her to continue Wanted her to remember every pain and scar and them all. Once she had purged herself they could cried for over an hour and Michael didn't mind. tear and sob she was finally telling him that she him. leaned her head against his shoulder and looked up at n. It looked different to her now. Cleaner. "Do you what I was thinking when you came out here, Mill S." He pressed his face against her hair. w could you?" ause I thought nearly the same thing once." Meally? When?" .%ast night, Susan," he said sadly. usan felt her eyes sting. She'd never felt a man's touch 1wr heart. "Michael, you love me that much?" .'I do." He kissed the shell of her ear. "I just didn't know 'I last night. But the question is, do you have any feel- for me?" ,',.'Yes, Michael. I just didn't know it until tonight."

e breathed deeply. To Susan it sounded as if he'd inhaled her love and her need for him. His arms tightened around and she felt closer to Michael than she'd ever felt to any an being before. 'This was new ground for Susan. She still tended to be wary herself and her emotions. But she had to be the pioneer. one else could do it for her. 'Tell me, Susan. Tell me everything." "My husband's name is James Kidd. We lived in New leans. My parents are Annette and Bart Beaulieu. I've liv ere all my life..." Susan told Michael everything about herself. She told him e bad and the good, though even she was surprised at how 311

Catherine Lanigan little good she found in her own li&. She was shocked as she heard herself relate her life's story as if it had happened to someone else. Then she realized that it had happened to the old Susan. Susan Kidd. She was Star Kaiser, now Susan Kaiser. The two women were quite different from each other. She was an emerging person, not fully developed yet. She told Michael she was afraid Jim would find her. She told him that Jim had actually come to the apartment complex in Spring. She knew the police were searching for her. She told him that she'd called her parents ... finally. She felt ashamed and guilty for making them worry, but she'd known they would have made her go back. Susan wasn't ready to go back. Not now. Not ever. Michael let her continue. He knew she was just as frightened now for herself and Robbie as she'd been when she first left New Orleans. He was determined to make her feel safe. "I'm going to help you, Susan. You'll see, darling. You can trust me." Then he kissed her. Susan felt the same passion as she had before when Michael kissed her, but this kiss was deeper. Something happened that moment on the beach with that kiss. Susan felt as if they'd committed themselves to each other for eternity. Even when she'd married Jim she'd never felt like this. If she had the power to look into her past lives, she knew she would find Michael there. She had been right to trust him. Perhaps she had trusted him all along and just hadn't trusted herself. She felt comfortable with him. She'd told him secrets she'd never shared with anyone. Already Michael knew how the lacerations had been pu on her heart. He knew she would do anything for her son, and he knew how much she feared Jim. She told Michael she didn't love Jim. Now that Michael had come along she saw how shallow her feelings for Jim had been. If only she'd waited to get married. She'd been such a 312 Becoming she thought, in the.final analysis, age didn't aps it was all part of growing. Maybe some meant to break up and go on to other lives. 6t with Michael she couldn't imagine being man for the rest of her life. Susan gave her ael that mightonly hope he would give it good care. 313

Chapter Thirty-two Monday morning had come much too soon, Susan thought as she unlocked the door to the office. She'd wanted to read over the apartment ads in the morning newspaper, but she'd been in a terrible rush. Yesterday, when Michael dropped her off at the steps to the mission, she'd known her life had changed for the better. She decided she no longer wanted to live in hiding. She wanted a normal life again. Michael came dashing into the office at breakneck speed, his tie flipped over his shoulder. "Darling!" he shouted. Susan quickly looked around to see whether Vivian or any of the others had arrived yet. Michael was wearing a Cheshire cat grin; he was up to something. "Good morning, Michael. Are you ready for your nine o'clock appointment?" "Yes." He grabbed her and kissed her. Susan thought she could feel her toes curl. "What's gotten into you?" "I couldn't tell you about it before because it wasn't a done deal. But when I got home last night, there was a call from Harry on my answering machine." 314 Becoming chael said as Susan answered the phone. o'clock just called from her car phone. She's the parking lot now." Michael continued quickly. "Look, don't make this afternoon. Book me out for an hour. I have show you." door opened and Mrs. Jenkins, a septuagenarian gh money to fund a small nation, as Michael had the woman to Susan, walked through the door. morning, Mrs. Jenkins," Susan said sweetly. "Mibeen waiting for you." I walked over and took Mrs. Jenkins's arm. "So see you again. I I -nice to see you, Michael," she said. "I've been mean- ,"ask you what telecommunications company you use, I get such crappy service on my car phone. It's such Don't you think?" -glanced back at Susan with a conspiratorial smile. "One Susan.. About two o'clock would be fine." s, sir. 9 ' Susan smiled. d beneath the spreading anus of a two-hundred-year- @oak tree draped with yards of lacy Spanish moss in the West University district of Houston was a converted hundred-year-old carriage house., original mansion had been sold in the nineteen thirties, Harry's family had lost all their money in the Great ssion-. Because of a mistake in the title and deed work, carriage house hadn't been included in the sale, and the alf family had kept the small carriage house. When successfully finished his first two years of college at University his father deeded the carriage house over to as a gift and incentive to keep at his studies. Because Harry didn't have rent to pay his money went 315

Catherine Lanigan toward his schooling. Over the years the carriage house had been sublet to several of Harry's friends when they either first moved to town or were going through a divorce or in tratisition, as Harry always seemed to be, between homes. Harry had decorated the house in very traditional decor, with lots of framed paintings of horses, burgundy and hunter green plaids, gold-fringed dark green velvet draperies, and plenty of cherry woods. His accessories continued the horse motif so that the entire place looked to Susan as if it was a backdrop for a Ralph Lauren advertisement. The main floor was a huge living room with a stone fireplace and French doors leading to a minuscule hand-laid brick patio. There were two green, black, and beige plaid-upholstered sofas flanking the fireplace, and in between them was an oversized coffee table made out of an old door. Brass lamps with green shades sat on antique Chippendale piecrust tables at the end of the sofas to create a reading area. Next to the French doors was a round Queen Anne table and four matching chairs. To the far right from the entry was a comer kitchen that could be closed off with four cherry wood-paneled folding doors. A floating staircase soared upstairs to a loft bedroom and bath. Susan thought she'd found heaven when she opened the antique leaded glass door. She didn't say a word as she walked inside, touching the bookcase filled with hardbacks, the gold-tasseled throw pillow on the sofa, and the Boston fem that sat in the center of the coffee table. She whirled around and looked at Michael. The joy in her eyes lit up the room. "Michael, it's heaven!" "Paradise is where you find it," he said, taking her in his arms and spinning her around. He kissed her deeply and longingly. "I hoped you would like it." "I love it!" Michael began showing her all the amenities of the small 316 Becoming Is a log carrier right out the back door for the Is not the best-insulated place in the winter, and it can get pretty drafty. Harry put in a little ftimace air conditioner upstairs. With the ceiling fan on air around, it's not too bad." He demonstrated age disposal, and coun-.gas stove, dishwasher, garb ave. The cabinets were stocked with porcelain n plaid rims. that Susan's exhuberance had disappeared. She g every glass, every copper pot and pan. But was wrong. Y sure you like it, Susan?" Michael asked. OU I like it too much," she said. "This is going to jortune. Which I don't have." is giving us a break on it. It's a Christmas present his best buddy." much Michael?" ;UQ;@ a month." God." Susan sank down onto the sofa. "I was aftaid I haven't saved enough money yet. And what you w is that I have some high doctor bills I still owe." at are your monthly bills?" .Just the hospital bill. I've been homeless, remember? I 't.even have a bank account until Vivian set One up for :at your bank. And thank God she did, because all my . ation is phony. If your friend runs a credit check oil I don't exist-" Michael sat next to her.

"I know that. That's why I figured should take this place, because Harry won't ask a lot of ons. Actually, unless you rent from Harry you can't out of the mission. Susan, I think it's important that move out. You're ready for it." -I know I am, but Robbie has a built-in family there. I ,t worry about him after school." "LOok, I've thought this through. You'll have enough after 317

Catherine Lanigan this paycheck to rent Harry's place. I talked him out of first and last month's rent and the deposit." Susan gasped. "That's the hurdle I could never seem to get over. Thank you. And bless Harry." "He doesn't need the money. I told him to write it off on his taxes. Anyway, with your overtime there's enough to pay for food and utilities, and if you need more, I'll just advance you. Besides, I had a talk with the boss and you're a shoe-in for a raise in February after your probation is up." "Everybody likes me?" Susan hugged herself. "They sure do." Michael patted her knee. "But what about Robbie?" "I've thought about that, too. I think he should be with his mother after school." -What is this, some kind of guilt trip?" "Hear me out. His school isn't that far from our office. You can take my car or Bradley's every day, go pick him up and take him back to the mission so he can be with his fhends. You could bring him back to the office if you want. But he may not like doing his homework in the back room. Then I thought we could reschedule your hours. You could come in an hour earlier and leave at four. That would give you more time with Robbie," Michael said. "You've really thought this through," she said admiringly. He smiled. "If you take the route we did over here today, you're only three-fourths of a mile from the office. On nice days you could even walk Robbie home. Then, after the first of the year, we can look around for a baby-sitter-though I have a feeling Robbie wouldn't like that too much." Susan put her elbow on her knee and placed her face on her hand. She looked at Michael. "You're amazing." "I thought about everything we discussed this weekend. You're right; you have to start planning for the future. I thought if parts of your life were more comfortable, like where you're living, then this might relieve some of the stress 318 Becoming ..*e have a lot to deal with in the coming months." her hand and looked down at it. He didn't realize was stroking the ring finger of her left hand, but Susan m hoping that I can become as important to you as become to me." I . . ." She lifted his face to hers with the tips of "You already are." eyes held her gaze for an inordinately long period ,blue He knew she was afraid of loving. He knew Jim @was responsible for her pain. I had been around long enough to have seen the of domestic abuse. Susan was running scared mentally as she had physically. He would like to kill Jim Kidd his bare hands. I felt impotent because he had nowhere to place his -He wasn't legally a part of Susan and Robbie's life, he wanted to be. 'What do you think, really?" he asked. 'I love it. I'd move in today, this minute. But I

think we d show it to Robbie." 'Ibat's a sound and wise decision." He took her in his arms. "It's just a beginning, Susan." "I know." She pulled away from him and looked deeply his eyes. "I sense there's something else you want to to me." "Mere is, but I don't want to go too quickly. You've been h a lot the past few days. We've come a long way, you "Yes, Michael, we have." "Susan, sooner or later you have to go back and face him." Susan thought she'd been stabbed with a javelin. "What?" She felt her knees buckle. She was going to faint. She pressed her hand to her forehead. She was' sweating. Icy sweat. "What ... are you saying? Are you crazy?" 319

Catherine Lanigan "No, I'm making sense," he pressed. "Michael, I can't go back there. I can never go back. I want to go on ... forward ... plan for my future." "That's what I want. I want the same thing. Susan, you aren't making sense here." "Oh, no! You're the one who's not making sense." Her hands were shaking. The room was spinning. Who had tilted the earth like this? What force was this working against her? She looked at Michael as if he was the enemy. "Susan, I've thought about this ... a lot. Granted, I haven't known you for a long period, of time, but I know what's in my heart. And please quit looking at me like I'm Freddie Krueger," he said lightly, hoping to break her out of this feeling of terror that had come over her. She forced a smile. "I wasn't doing that." "Yes, you were." I 1t, s just that L. "Susan, I want to marry you," he blurted out. "What?" Susan bolted to her feet. Since her knees were Re Jell-O. she plopped right back down. Michael steadied her with his hands. "Susan, I didn't want you to be in shock." This time her smile was genuine. "I'm not in shock." "Good." He took her hand and kissed it. "Susan, will you marry me?" "Michael, I don't know what to say." She looked down at her hands. They were still shaking. "Now I see why you want me to go back." "You have to, Susan. It's the only way. Don't you see, .you can't move forward without clearing up the past." Susan held Michael9s hands as he spoke. It was as if he infused her with his energy and strength. Suddenly she knew what to do. It took courage to make this decision, and Susan wanted to always remember how she had felt when she decided. 320 'Becoming to file for divorce." She said it flatly, coldly, beWas a fact. 'Jim could take Robbie away." I nodded. "I'm not a family practice attorney, Sutell you that it doesn't look good for you. You've your own son. The law is pretty tough on such tough?" Susan was starting to lose her nerve.

I wished with all his heart that he didn't have to that question, but he knew he must. "It could mean sentence. God"' Susan's eyes were wide and filled with tears. little boy!" She shook her head frantically from side to ',"@,"Never. Never!" She was screan-drig. hysterically. hael pulled her into his body and kept her head pressed shoulder. broke away from him. She flapped her arms in the air n hu ged them to her chest. She clenched her fists and g '-splayed her fingers, forcing the riptide of energy through as she spoke. "I would rather take Robbie right now move to Alaska than risk going to prison. I can't... . live ut him. Oh, God I God! All I wanted to do was protect f and my baby! Why would I have to go to prison? Jim one! He's the one who hurt me. He doesn't care who s. This isn't fair!" there was nothing Michael could e was screaming, and except let her fears burn themselves out. "I can't live ut Robbie! I can't ... into her hands.

she sobbed. She dropped her

"I just can't. . . Michael went to her and held her. "Shhh. It's going to be right, baby. I promise. I'm not going to let them put you prison." "Michael, what'll I do?" She cried into his shoulder. 321

Catherine Lanigan _Nobody is going to do anything today. Let me make some calls and see where we go from here." "Calls?" "I've got a buddy over in Orleans Parish, Bob Randolf. He's well versed in this kind of thing. Let's talk to him and see what he thinks we should do." Susan's fears clutched at her heart with a tight fist. "And if he says I'll lose Robbie?" "We'll just hope he doesn't," Michael replied hopefully. Susan thought she would explode. She hit his chest with her fist, but there was little impact, she was so emotionally drained. "That's not what I asked you, dammit!" Michael looked at the ceiling. "I'd move you and Robbie to Canada. I have no intention, of losing either of you." Susan couldn't believe her ears. "You love me that much?" "Yes, Susan. I love you that much." She placed her trembling hands on either side of his face and pulled him toward her. "I love you, Michael." He lost himself in her kiss, 322 Chaptuerr PIDbitly-t&ee Beaulieu arrived home from work only to find the house Effie would have gone home hours ago, he thoughtwas a note from his wife and a casserole warming in oven. Even though Annette was gone from home only nights a week at her night class at Tulane, Bart didn't it. He crumpled up the note and tossed it in the wastebasket. opened the oven and took out the casserole. He peeled off aluminum foil, inhaled the aroma of the fresh basil An- grew in her garden, put the foil back, and returned the serole to the oven. 'I'll be damned if I'm going to eat alone one more time!" He marched into the living room, went to the bar, and d himself a bourbon and water. Bart didn't often drink se days-the whole idea of alcohol seemed repugnant to knowing that Jim had become an alcoholic, and that his 323

Catherine Lanigan daughter had run away because of Jim's drinking and abuse. He stared at the glass. He went to the fireplace and struck a long match before turning on the gas log starter to full blast. Blue flames leapt around the imitation logs. Bart hated false fires. If he'd had his way, they'd bum real logs and get ashes all over the hearth. He wanted to hear the pop and crackle of burning wood. He liked watching the flames dance and change color with the different kinds of wood he used to buy. He remembered when he was young and first married and he would make a point of driving north to the countryside to buy wood. Apple wood for a blue flame; oak for a heavy orange flarne. For the holidays he'd always made a French yule log. Then, on Christmas night, he burned the log along with other carefully chosen logs. He believed the burning of his yule log brought him good luck. It was just a superstition, an old wives' tale ... a tradition. He hadn't burned a yule log in years. They'd installed the gas logs because of Annette's allergies. He'd given up his fires for her. And his luck had changed. Bart sat in his favorite ov6rstuffed chair. He couldn't remember a time when he hadn't owned this chair. He remembered the day they'd bought it. Back then, they'd had little money. He'd just graduated from college and started a small accounting and tax consulting business. It was so small, he was the only employee. But they'd had an enormous society wedding and had received enough cash gifts to furnish the little house he'd rented just outside the Garden District. , On Saturday afternoons, after his morning tennis matches, he and Annette would rummage through antique shops and used-fumiture stores, looking for just the right pieces. Annette believed in buying furniture to last a lifetime. She was traditional and elegant in her tastes, and that aspect of her personality had appealed to him greatly. Someday, he told her, they would have plenty of money due to the nature of his 324 Becoming and his gilded clientele. Both of them were in line rit money, but Bart had learned from his own father to count on such things. Bart's great-grandfather had millions after the Civil War. The Beaulieu family made they retold the tale often. tte had found this chair at an estate sale. It date d back 1930s and had been covered in an English chintz when bought it. The down of the back and seat cushions had perfectly to his body. Bart had staked his claim to the ette had had it recovered many times over the years. It been re-stuffed, re-glued, re-downed, and re-vamped. But ays fit him just right. . ette had been good about that kind of thing. She had her best to keep him happy and comfortable. She had a good wife to him. Except for her illnesses, which removed her from his and Susan's lives, he couldn't asked for a better wife. Annette was his life-or at t she had been. Susan's leaving had rocked their lives out of kilter. Bart no longer knew how to talk to Annette. She was de- t at his every move. She answered his questions with stions. She pushed her failings and his into his,face. He uncomfortable with Annette these days. He didn't know at to say or how to say it. He wanted to tell her how he but such disclosures only led to arguments and hard feelS. He'd been the only kind of husband and father he knew w to be. Christ! Who'd ever trained him? He'd never had 'psychology course. He'd never thought about emotions and ons; and behaviors. He'd just been a man doing the best could. Suddenly his best was mediocre. Bart felt cold. It had been unseasonably warm this December, but tonight 325

Catherine Lanigan a cold front was moving into New Odeans. The temperature was predicted to drop into the low fifties. But the chill Bart felt had nothing to do with the weather. He was lonely. He looked over to the comer of the room by the window where the Christmas tree stood. He realized that Annette had finished stringing the lights, and the tree was completely decorated. She didn't wait for him to help her anymore. These days the florist delivered the tree already in the stand, and one of the designers helped Annette with the lights. She'd personally placed every omament, though; that much hadn't changed. She'd never let him hang any. ornaments. Annette had always been fussy about the tree. Bart's memory traveled back to their first Christmas together- "It should go over here, Bart. Near the window, so all the neighbors can see, " Annette had said, her blond ponytail swinging behind her head when she turned back to face him. She was dressed in black wool pedal pushers and a pink cashmere sweater with a white cotton collar that buttoned up the front. There was a matchingpink chiffon scarf tied around her ponytail. "I like it by the fireplace, " he argued. "Then I can see it when I'm watching the fire. "I have seven strings of lights. Nobody will have as many lights as I do. "And no ornaments. It's going to look stupid, " he replied, dragging the tree to itsfull height next to thefireplace. "Look how great it looks next to the red brick " Annette shook her head. Her cheeks wereflushed and glowing as her anger mounted. Sometimes Bart used to needle her, just to see her look so pretty. The only other times she looked like that were just after he'd made love to her. "So I'll put the ones I do have on the sidefacing the street. 326 Becoming r gave me all her old ornaments, and I've made out cookies that I can hang. Besides, no one can nts ftom the street. Not really. Do you think? Anyshe rushed on to make her point, not letting him have to speak, as she often did, "once the lights are on -all anybody really notices. smiled at his bride and let go of the tree. It flopped floor. He walked over to her and took her in his arms. we compromise. This year you get the tree by the w. Next year I get it by the fireplace. n he kissed her. tte thought about his suggestion during the kiss. She away. "Okay. But let's switch. This year you get the by the fireplace. Next year is my turn. eally? How come you'll trade?" e smiled at him as she moved closer for another kiss. use next year I'll have twice the ornaments. Then I can impress the

neighbors. ey sank to the floor and made love for the rest of the moon. art remembered their first Christmas in this house. Susan two and very ill with fever and a strep throat. The doctor feared pneumonia. Exhausted from caring for Susan all Annette had fallen asleep nearly the minute Bart was e. He remembered sitting next to the roaring fire, the lights the Christmas tree illuminated, and holding Susan in his . Susan had been a small baby and a little child. Her nd hair was so white she'd looked half bald until she was ly four. She cried most of the night, and though Bart ked her and walked her, nothing he did seemed to please her. The antibiotic hadn't taken effect, nor had the baby as- ,pirin. She'd been sick for two days, not eating or drinking 327

Catherine Lanigan much before Annette had taken her to the doctor for the shot of penicillin she'd received that day. Bart knew nothing about babies and how to care for them. He couldn't remember his father ever holding him. It was supposed to be the mother's job to care for the children. But Annette was tired, and Bart was afraid she would become ill, too. There was nothing to do but take care of Susan himself. Bart had to rely on his-inemories of his childhood totreat his daughter. Susan had been off the bottle for over six months and easily drank from a cup. He went to the kitchen and made weak tea with sugar and honey, put it in Susan's cup, and urged her to drink it. One taste of the sugary liquid and Susan's little hands had clamped onto her cup. She drank every drop, then pushed the cup at her father and asked for more. While Susan only sipped at the second cup of tea, Bart had held her next to his heart as they sat by the fire. "See those flames there, Susan? Those are almost pinkcolored. And see that blue one? Isn't it pretty? " Bart had spent the night explaining his favorite woods to Susan. Susan was mesmerized by the flames and forgot about her pain. For hours he told her stories about the different kinds of forests the woods come from. He told her about the Aspen forest high in the mountains near the Grand Canyon and promised that someday he would take her there. As the hours passed, the fever dropped. Susan and Bart had fallen asleep in the big overstuffed chair in front of the fire. When Susan was seven she was decorating the tree with Annette. That year Annette was eschewing tradition in favor of "designer trees." Annette had decided their tree should be pink and silver. Bart and Susan had voted against the idea. "It won't be Christmas without my doll collection hanging on the tree, Mummy, " Susan argued "And all my ornaments from when I was a child. " 328 Becoming you're still a chilA " Annette said flady, eyeing Of frosted Pink glass balls she'd bought. we compromise. Why don't we pick all ourfavotite is that are either silver or pink and put them on the eluding Susan's white-dressed dolls, " Bart suggested. d idea, Daddy! " Susan said enthusiastically. "I know I I want to put on the tree firstl " She took off running sweeping staircase. tie glared at her husband. "It's not just the colors, ow. It's the balance and design that count, too. Oh, " ed wis@fully at the bare tree in the comer of the living "I had such great plans for that tree. My garden club have been impressed. " rl put his arms around her while she pouted. "The garclub will love it anyway. I'll buy you some pink roses. can put them in those little water vials you're always g and then put the roses on the tree. That ought to set r tongues to wagging.

" nnelle's e-ves were wide. "Why, Bart! How clever! I'd it! "I was kidding!" "It's a great idea. "I've created a monster. " He kissed her cheek Susan came running back into the living room. She took a ver plastic replica of a jet fighter and hung it with a paplip on the tree. 'Susan, what is that?" Bart asked. "Eddie Dubois gave it to me in the gift exchange at school. n't it neat?" "Why on earth would he give you a jet fighter?" Susan looked at her father eamestly. "Because he knows want to be a jet fighter when I grow up. And I will be. e put her dainty hands on her narrow hips. "Susan, " Bart replied, "you can never be a jet fighter. Susan looked as if he'd struck her down. "Of course I can. 329

Catherine, Lanigan And I'm going to be the best there ever was, too. "Girls are not jet fighters; women's lib be damned. M daughter will not be a jet pilot. " Susan was crushed. She looked to her motherfor help and saw she would get none. "But I want to fly jets. " "Susan, dear, " Annette began when Bart was left speechless, "women are meant to be wives and mothers. Just as I am. Someday you'll grow up to be the prettiest girl in New Orleans and all the boys will love you and want to take you out on dates. "But I don't want babies. I have babies!" She pointed to her stack of dolls waiting to be hung on the tree. "I want to fly jets! Susan began to cry. She ran up to her room, as if she didn't want them to see her tears, and slammed the door. "Susan, wake up. Your mother is ill. You must help me. Those words had begun their Christmas morning when Susan was eight. Annette had nearly died that year. Susan had taken care of Bart that holiday, making him soup and sandwiches for dinner before they visited Annette in the hospital. For most of the years after that one holiday or another had been spent taking care of Annette. Now that Bart looked back on it, Susan had always taken care of him. And he'd let her. Bart realized with shock that he'd leaned on Susan too much. He'd forced her to grow up long before she was ready. She'd never complained that she didn't have enough time with her friends or that she couldn't go to ballet or piano lessons like the other girls because she'd had to take care of Annette or him. Bart had always been proud of Susan's maturity. He realized now that she'd had no other choice. 330 Becoming ,ait in his chair stanng at the gas log fire, he knew uld have made a few things easier for Susan. He e encouraged her to go for her wings. He'd done ice. his hands and rested his chin on diem. For the he realized what Annette was doing in her therapy classes. w he couldn It change the past, but he could change of the past. If he wanted his future to be an imt over his past, he had to start remaking his present. tte Beaulieu sat in the middle section of the twentytiered rows of seats in the lecture hall. Though most of ht classes were filled by post-graduates and older peouch as herself, this one was usually booked by on- s students because the lecturer was a popular one who sought after by several colleges. It was a non-credit class only a pass/fail grade, but students from LSU and Tulane each other to take it. Annette counted herself lucky to e next in line when a cancellation came up and

she was to fill the vacant spot. ette couldn't help but stare at the young faces around They were younger than Susan by nearly a decade. She ndered if they knew how fortunate they were to be living time when young people knew so much about the brain, psyche, the personality, and the dangers that crop up in lives due to the demons lurking within ourselves. .She remembered her college days as being nothing more an extension of the three Rs in advanced courses. She'd ed the classics, yes. She'd read Yeats and Shelley. She Id dissect nearly every verb in French and knew their in derivatives. But she knew nothing of life. How she wished she'd had the advantages of that kind of ucation. How vastly she could have changed her life. The very first thing Annette had learned from Professor 331

Catherine Lanigan Whately was not to blarne herself for her mistakm Blaming" and giving herself a guilt trip would only continue hurtin herself and Susan. She'd made mistakes; so be it. But she wouldn't make them again. Even if Susan came back and said she was returning to Jim, Annette realized she would have to accept it. What she intended to do if that should be the case was ask Susan to accompany her to therapy. If Susan refused, so be that. She would love Susan and be there for her next time. Because with Jim there always would be a next time. The darkest blot on Annette's life now was that she nd Bart had become estranged. He no longer slept with her. He came home late most evenings, and she knew it was because she was changing. She was making so many self-discoveries and changing herself so quickly that Bart was being left behind and he knew it. She wanted more than anything for him to come along on this journey with her. But he was stubborn. He liked tradition. He wanted everything to be the way it had always been. Deep down, Annette felt she'd always been trying to change some traditions. She rerriembered wanting a pink and silver Christmas tree one year. Susan and Bart had voted her down on that one. She'd had her own way of subtly throwing herself onto the world, wanting people to accept her the way she was. She thought if she hadn't grown up in the stagnant culture of New Orleans, she might have been a much different person. She would have been more creative. She definitely would have been more outspoken. And she would have searched herself and the world more for answers about life. She'd proven that much to herself these past weeks, in therapy and in this class. Her only regret was that the person she loved more than anyone in the world, Bart, wasn't with her. Professor Whately was just finishing up his lecture for the night, "Guilt: The Wages of Sin." The professor was proud 332 BecomMg he'd based his doctoral thesis on- guilt and. the 11'.1;pects of behavior that come about as the result of had been so enthralled by the lecture that she -beard the bell that ended the class. The students around notes away and rushed out of the room. put their Friday night, and they all had parties and dates. She to herself as she bent down to pick up her purse. She turned toward the door. she saw Bart. He was standing just inside the old double doors. He was wearing a pair of tan slacks, y sweater, and a tan cashmere sport coat with patches on the elbows. Except for the gray hair at his and the laugh lines around his eyes and mouth he nearly like the young boy she'd fallen in love with so lecture hall was completely empty except for the two - Annette was speechless as her eyes locked with his. ught her heart had almost stopped. Then it raced franto catch,up with itself. She felt hope strike a match her. "How long have you been standing there?" @Qu a while, ac walked down to the end of the aisle.

tually." ite

"You were lis- to the lecture?" 'Yes. TI ,What did you think paused, considering. re was something different about Bart, she thought as continued to look at him. When had his eyes filled with much light? When had his smile turned from weary to ? What

fire put the color in his cheeks? What gave him courage to come here? What had happened to Bart? ",,His eyes were earnest when he looked at her. "I liked what 333

Catherine Lanigan He walked toward her. His shoulders were straight and proud again, like when he was young. She'd always loved his walk. He looked as if he could tear up the universe for her if she asked him to. Everybody needed their knight, and Bart had been hers. "I've done a lot of thinking, and I've made some decisions, Annette." Fear sent chills down her spine. The distance between them had been so great lately, she wondered if they could ever bridge the gap- "And ... ?" she asked tentatively. "Annette..." he began. She'd never felt the force of his convictions so strongly as she did at that moment. She loved him, but she couldn't stop the personal metamorphosis she was undergoing either. She braced herself. "I've decided that I don't want to live like this anymore." "You don't?" "No. I say we put an end to it." Her mouth went dry. She felt light-headed as she continued to stare at him. She thought she was getting sick again. No. she told herself. This was what it felt like to be alive. She had to take the consequences. "All right. I'll do anything you want, Bart. I want you to be happy, too." "The world we had together, built together, doesn't exist for me without you. I've never felt so alone as I have these past few weeks. You abandoned me, Annette. At least mentally or in your heart. I never knew I needed you so much. Wanted you so much. I don't want to go back to the beginning anymore ... we must have taken some wrong turns there. Otherwise we wouldn't be here. I've decided I have a lot to learn. I thought maybe you could show me the way." His lower lip quivered, though he fought his tears. He tried not to be emotional, but at that moment Bart was nothing but 334 Becoming All he could do was feel. He opened his arms to rather be with you in your world." could barely see him through the tears in her eyes. I over one of the desks in her hurry to rush into Oh, Bart. I love you so." sed her with all the love he had in his heart. He held to him and wondered how he'd let them wander so each other. kissed her cheeks, her eyelids, and finally clamped his over hers. They were Annette and Bart Beaulieu again. were one. 335

Chapter 10 ur '*" irty-fo- Jim 1(idd's company Christmas party was a blast and a half. The secretaries had formed a committee to plan the event. This year had seen the best performance and highest sales volumn in the company's history and everyone wanted to celebrate. They took over one of the private dining rooms at the Commander's Palace for the event. The menu was pure New Orleans, with crayfish 6touffde for the appetizer, red snapper Ponchartrain accompanied by Duchesse potatoes, grilled green beans, and yellow squash for the main course, and French pastries for dessert. Cocktails were served for an hour before dinner. Jim had promised himself he wouldn't drink too much that night. Three drinks tops. That was it. He had to watch his ps and qs. From the minute he walked in the door Jim found he was the man of the hour. He'd never received so many compliments in his life. James was the first to come up to him. 336 Becondng me, Jim, did you guessT' what?" Jim looked at his friend quizzically while his hand. 'a look over there." James pointed to the head table ,past it to where the band was setting up to play. in was a huge banner that read: JIM KIDD ... OUR YEAR. shit!" n Sam and Henry walked up, slapped Jim on the shook his hand. "Thanks to you, Jim, we're on top. ttlebutt is that we're all getting bonuses thanks to PIouldn't believe his ears. "You're kidding." re not," Sam said. "Hell, my wife is picking out new already.- Japanese deal was a beaut, Jim. The head honchos because of that deal we're in like Flynn to make even bigger deals. " is what I said all along!" Jim replied proudly. "It re salesmanship to convince this company to do the it did to get the Japanese to sign." 't that always the way?" Henry laughed. amn right!" Sam said. Is have a drink!" James said. , you're talkin'," Jim replied. went to the bar and ordered their drinks. Jim noticed Henry's wife was talking to James's wife. They were discussing the new dresses they were wearing. He red when Susan would spend weeks worrying about to wear to a company function. One dress was too cathe next one too dressy. She never had the right thing ar. It seemed to him that she was forever buying a new s. Or maybe she hadn't bought a new dress. Who could mber anyway? 337

Catimfim.Lanigan Jim had another drink as he listened to his friends complain about their wives overspending at Christmas. "So, I said, 'Who cares what you send to my mother? She lives in a hole in the wall in Lafayette and wouldn't know a Belgium waffle maker from a pancake turner. Send her some damn money and be done with it,' " Henry said. "I hate paying all those bills in January when nobody remembers who sent what anyway." Jim looked down into his drink. He'd spent most of his life observing the way whiskey blended with water, with soda, or dashed itself upon a stack of ice. He knew just what Henry was talking about. Guys had the lousy side of life. They worked their butts off while their wives stayed home and watched videos all day long, clairming they were taking care of the kids. Kids they'd never wanted in the first place. "I'm pregnant." Susan's voice still haunted him. It had been too soon. Jim had wanted a leg up in the world. He'd wanted to get to the top. He looked up at the banner. Well, now he was at the top, goddammit. It felt great. Dinner was a leisurely, elegant affair. Just before dessert was served Charles Minot, the owner of Metro Media, walked into the room as the band played an entrance march. "Can you believe they flew him in from New York for this?" "Jim, old boy! You're riding one hell of a star!" Henry patted his back. Jim noticed how his friends couldn't wait to flock around him tonight, when just a few months ago they'd run for cover when he walked into a room. That was when he was half nuts over losing Susan. If he were honest with himself, he guessed he hadn't made any sense to anyone. What had he been thinking or. Taking precious time off from work to find Susan. What a wild goose 338 Beconting bad turned out to be. There were days now when whether Tate Rawlings hadn't set up the whole make it look like Susan and Robbie lived in that Jim hadn't heard another report from Rawlings had no idea whether Susan was still in Houston or her way to Timbuktu. d find Susan himself. He had to. His eyes darted around the room. Everyone was looking at him. Charles Mina. Then they looked back at Jim. incredible power. He was changing their lives by this big deal. They Were all richer, to say the least. ght he'd hung the goddamn moon. s Minot went to the microphone and gave a speech. that Jim was "invaluable" and that his work was the light" they would all follow into the new year. Mi- Jim luck in the future and hoped he would be with any for many years to come. ne applauded. champagne was served. A full bottle of Dom PerigPlaced in front of Jim. Minot proposed a toast. Jim Kidd, our Man of the Year. Hip, hip-- I- . everyone shouted loudly, and then they &ank. was immediately swamped by well-wishers. He-shook hands he felt like a politician. He smiled and actheir praise, but he was unprepared for the gentle Te- of his failures. Is wife was the first.

She spoke quietly in his ear he was shaking hands with William Henderson. "I hope find Susan soon, Jim." just have that woman's intuition that Susan will be home .stmas, Jim," said another woman. 'I want to be the first to see Susan when she returns," I Minot said. "We'll be in town till the fifteenth of Jan- You just let me know." She winked at him. at for? Jim wanted to ask. Do you want Susan to tell 339

Cadwine I.Aimigan YOU that I'm a screw-up? Are you looking for information so your husband can fire me? Ruin me? Is that what everyone is after? Jim downed a glass of Dom. Damn! He hadn't had fifteen minutes on top before they'd started tearing him down. He wondered why that was as he refilled his glass. Fame. It was a fleeting thing. He looked at the banner with his name printed in glitter. His name looked dull to him, as if the lights of the chandeliers missed hitting the glitter. Maybe it just was his perspective. He cocked his head to the side, then leaned down closer to the table. Sam was the first to realize that Jim was drunk. He leaned over to Henry. "We gotta get him outta here." "Are YOU nuts? Tonight he's expected to stay tal the bitter end." "I say we get him out." "I say we let him hang himself" Sam smiled. "There is merit to that thought.In the end they decided to take Jim home. Neither Sam nor Henry wanted the responsibility if Jim had an accident on the way home. Sam walked Jim to the front door and helped him open it. "Be a friend, Sam, and don't come in. Dammit, you make me feel like a little kid. I'm jus' fine, I tell you." "Sure, Jim. Sure." Sam left. Jim slammed the front door, took off his suit coat and tossed it on the sofa. He went to the kitchen, made a drink, and then sat in the living room looking at the Christmas tree he'd put up himself. Two of the strands of lights had gone out, leaving gaping black spots. He felt as if there were eyes staring at him. Accusing him. He focused on one of the teddy bear ornaments Robbie had made. There must have been four dozen different teddy bears 340 Becoming Some Susan had bought, some Robbie had bie loves teddy bears. . . " Jim said to himself. immembered that he'd had a teddy bear when he was When he was a kid ... he hated Christmas. It was just time his mother would beat the hell out of him. ly Jim felt a monstrous rage overtake him. He, flung at the tree and sent it and the glass smashing down floor. Jim dropped his face in his hands. was it going to end? many drinks did it take to stop the memories? Stop tenant Roberts walked into the thick fog of cigar that hovered in Captain Michaud's office. thought you were giving those things up," Roberts said w Year's." Captain Michaud coughed.

"I'll do it at Year's." id you have time to took over my request forms?" chaud put out the cigar. He would smoke it later. "I did. where do you get off not only asking for another ' week but to use one of my patrol cars to go off looking for Kidd woman again?" '1 have the time coming." Vood," Captain Michaud barked. "You can use it to your head examined." ,,@Oh, hell." Roberts rolled his eyes. 'I think you're obsessed, Nate. She's fallen through the ks. It's been six months. Let it alone." ,,.'I can't." He edged himself closer to the desk and leaned arms on the desktop. He pointed to his extended stomach. got this creepy feeling deep down in my gut that things gonna get worse for her before they get better. I got this 341

Catherine Unigan feeling this thing is about to blow. The feds are closing in. I can smell it." "You know something I don't?" 'Yeah. I know we got a stootie right here under our noses. know this particular stoolie is working for Tate Rawlings. And I also know that I was sitting on top of Susan right there in Houston, but I had to get my butt back here because you couldn't live without me. Then Tate's man notified Jim Kidd, and when Kidd got to Susan's apartment complex he blew the whole thing sky high." Captain Michaud picked up his cigar and lit it again. He smoked when he was nervous. "So, what you're telling me is that I'm gonna have Internal Affairs breathing down my neck for the next few weeks and you're gonna take off for Houston." Roberts leaned back in his chair. "That's about the size of it, yeah." "How do you know so much?" Michaud asked. "I've got my own stoolie." "Yeah? Who?" "You know I don't divulge my sources." Captain Michaud blew smoke in Lieutenant Roberts's face. "Make an exception." "Tate Rawlings's secretary. She feeds the guy in this office." "Hell. How'd you get it out of her?" Roberts smiled winningly. "I took her mother to dinner. Nice lady. I'm also taking her to a New Year's Eve party." Captain Michaud shook his head and laughed. "Unbelievable. And who is the connection here?" Roberts smiled as there was a knock on the door and Brian, Roberts's assistant, walked in. Roberts folded his hands behind his head. "You wanted to see me, Captain?" Brian asked. 342 Chapter lhirV-five Patterson, now on suspension from the Orleans Parish Department and currently under investigation by InAffairs, placed a quarter in the pay phone at Felix's House. Brian didn't want his call traced. Get me Rawlings." ay I ask who's calling?" the secretary drawled politely. st get him." 'ju "Yes, sir." Rawlings picked up the phone immediately. "I tried all you. They told me you were on vacation. What's going "My vacation may turn out to be permanent. My ass is in ling on this one. They know I'm your snitch." "Damn!" Tate slammed his open palm against his mahog- desk. "Can they trace you to me?" "Anything's possible, friend. But don't worry; I covered tracks," Brian

said cockily "Not well enough, it seems." Tate paused. "This is a preament, isn't it?" 343

Cadieriae Lanigan -Rawfim, rm leaving. I'm beaffin' ouL11 "You'll be caught for certain. Don't do anything rrrashh. tay here. Call their bluff." "Bullshit. Roberts is on me and he never lets up.,, "Well, I do agree with you there. He's certainly dogged Susan Kidd tenaciously, hasn't he?" "You can say that again." Tate laughed. "I wonder if there's any chance Lieutenant Roberts would be interested in some extra pay." "Forget it. Roberts is incorruptable." Tate sighed heavily. "How naive you are. Every man has a price- - "Not Roberts. He believes in causes. He thinks he's on a mission over this Susan Kidd thing." "An idealist? Then you're wise to leave. Where will you go?" "No way, man. You'd sell me out to the feds for a C note. T"he only reason I'm calling is because I need some cash to blow this town. And I got the information today that your client will pay a pretty price for." "Really?" Rawlings growled. "And what is that?" "I found Susan Kidd." "You have my undivided attention. Go on." Brian thought he could hear Rawlings drooling, over the phone. This guy is such a sleeze, Brian thought. "Not so fast. How much do I get?" "If we truly find her, I'll make it a thousand." "No deal. It's. three grand up front and you go check her out. I told you, I'm outta here." "Very well. I'll leave a check..." "Make it cash. Have your secretary bring it to Felix's Oyster House and leave it with the bartender in an hour." "Very well." "She and the boy are at the Star of Hope Mission in Houston." 344 Becoming give me that-crW, we checked there before,, I-Rawed. was then; this is now. And for your information it 't easy coming by this tidbit. Those people there we very uthed. If I hadn't had a buddy with the FBI who told would have been out of luck." feds? They've probably already got her." :Relax. You've got twenty-four hours to soak your clients. better move fast, Tate. Real fasL" Rawlings moved faster than a high gale wind. He Jim Kidd first. 'Jim, how are you today?" Tate asked smoothly when Jun ered the phone at home. im was hung over. He'd stayed drunk nearly every night the Christmas party. His mouth felt like the Gobi desert, head like the inside of a rock quarry. He banged his hand n on the still-bumAng clock radio. The drapes were drawn a foggy day. He

squinted to read the digital date clock. could it possibly be December 'twenty-third? e looked at the phone. Who was this on the other end of line? Tate. Now he remembered. Tate Rawlings. Jim 't heard from him in so long, he'd forgotten Rawlings still working for him. Tate?" ',,'Yes, Jim. I just received a call from one of my associates. e've located Susan. But, Jirn, there seems to be a problem." "Problem?" Jim ran his hand through his hair. It felt as if was scalping himself. He groaned. "What kind of probin?" "The feds have found her, too." "Damn." Jim was instantly out of bed. "Where is she?" Jim was already scrambling for his pants. "She's at the Star of Hope. Mission in Houston, Jim. I suggest you move quickly. I've been told you have approxi- 345

Catherine Lanigan marely twenty-four hours before the federal agents m-ovein. "Christ! You must pay a fortune for this kind of stuff, Rawlings." "No, you do. I'll send out a bill for five thousand today, Jim. Will that be all right?" "No problem at all," Jim replied. Hell! The way his future with the company looked right now, he would be making twice that every week! Especially once he had Sum back. His future would be locked up safe and secure. Jim nearly threw the phone on the hook and raced to dress. He would take a plane to Houston this morning and rent a car. Christmas was almost here. Yes, Jin4 old boy There is a Santa Claus! Tate Rawlings sent a manila envelok filled with three thousand dollars in cash with his secretary to Felix's Oyster House. Tate didn't like it that the drop was in such a public place, but to his mind there was nothing illegal about giving money to a bartender. It was like the mail service, only faster. And untraceable. Tate made a practice of paying his secretaries well. None of them had ever betrayed him before. He seriously doubted any of them ever would. At two o'clock on the afternoon of December twenty-third Tate placed a phone call to Bart Beaulieu. "Bart, I've found Susan." "So have we," Tate was taken aback. "I'm afraid I don't understand, Bart. "Susan and Robbie have telephoned us numerous times over the past few weeks. She's doing quite well." "Why didn't you tell me you were in contact with her?" Tate asked. "I told you the last time we spoke, Tate, that I pay for results. You haven't phoned me for weeks. I haven't received any updates, and I specifically remember asking for them. 1 346 Becondag were off the case. I sent you a letter telling you services were no longer required." ,never got a letter," Tate said defensively. Then he at the stack of mail he'd neglected over the past week, his very tight social calender. Tate and his wife had every charity function in the city over the past two 'Mere had been dinners, luncheons, a speech he'd 4or the Toys for Tots can4mugn. The list was endless. ,of his mail in December consisted of Christmas cards. neglected..." Tate swallowed hard. was a gracious man. He'd prided himself over the on developing the kind of nundset that allowed him to sive toward others. That ability to hold his tongue carefully select his words gave him the edge today. Bart have taken Tate to task for not working more diligently. could have dressed him down for not paying attention to and important matters like the mail. Instead he gave room enough to stumble again. 1$1 see you have," Bart said slowly.

"I don't fault you. an has come around on her own, and I must tell you, her r and I are pleased she's doing so well." -She told you she was at the Star of Hope Mission?" Bart smiled to himself. "No, she didn't. But thank you for information, Tate." Tate couldn't believe he'd been had. He couldn't allow elf the luxury of calling Bart Beaulieu guilty of foul play. s was New Orleans; to do so would be ruinous to his r. Tate had fumbled; it was as simple as that. He would arch himself more closely the next time. Tate could at least be proud of the fact that he learned from his mistakes, which was a sign of wisdom. Tate liked to think of himself as wise. "You're quite welcome, Bart. I trust you and Annette will have an enjoyable Christmas with Susan and Robbie. Please 'give my regards to your lovely wife. I'm sure I'll be seeing you at the Mardi Gras krewe party in February.- 347

Catherine Unigan .'I'm sure," Bart replied graciously. "And a happy holiday to you and your wife." Bart hung up. Bart didn't waste a second. He quickly dialed Houston information and asked for the number of the Star of Hope Mission. Houston Robbie stuffed the donated clothing he'd been wearing over the past month into the brand-new blue-and-white Houston Oilers duffel bag Michael had given him. Robbie didn't want to leave the mission. His friends were here. He had fallen into an easy routine of school and after-school activities and play. He wrapped his ice candles in newspaper and put them in ,brown paper bags that he would carry out to Michael's car. His mother had promised they would buy some wrapping paper and ribbons, but she'd been too busy at. work. Today she was taking the day off, and so was Michael. After they moved to their new apartment they were going shopping and out to dinner. There were many things Robbie wanted to do in these next two days before Christmas; moving wasn't one of them. Robbie was sitting on the edge of the bed when Susan walked into the room. ."t& ire you just about ready?" she asked brightly. She was whistling, he noticed. She did that a lot lately. She told him she was in the Christmas spirit, but Robbie knew it was more than that. The Christmas spirit was something that didn't last, at least not in any of,the people Robbie knew. People would get all happy about four or five days before Christmas, and by the second day after everybody was back to being grumpy again. He noticed it especially in the stores. His daddy had told him that people were only nice to you before Christmas because they wanted to make a sale. Then, 348 Becoming stmas, they knew nobody had any money lek so ed back into grumps. thought about what his daddy had said, and it was much true. his mother was deep down happy. She smiled all the She talked about starting their real life now. She talked taking night classes at college. She talked about her b, the people she worked with, the exciting cases she on, whatever that meant. And she talked about MiI a whole lot. Robbie?" Susan placed their toothbrushes into a plastic They had come to the mission with nothing but the s on their backs. Now they both had a few donated and some toiletries, but that was all. Micaela had n all of Susan's clothes and Robbie's toys and put them storage. She'd been afraid she would be followed if she ed to the mission with Susan's things. icaela had promised to bring Susan's clothes to the new . Susan couldn't wait to see her today. The circles Susan's'life were coming back around. It was truly begin- to feel like Christmas. "What, Mommy?" He zipped the bag. "You look so sad. What's wrong?" Robbie hung his head. "Do we have to go?" Susan knelt down next to him and put her arms around "We don't have to leave, but I want to go. There's a autiful apartment waiting for us. It's completely furnished has a fireplace. It's just wonderful, Robbie, you'll see. icaela is coming to visit us today." "She is?" Robbie's eyes popped wide open.

"I missed her! " Susan smiled. "Things aren't so bad. You'll be back here almost every afternoon, and you'll still see all your friends. You'll be going to the same school, so you'll keep all your 349

Catherine Lanigan friends. And besides, we have to dunk of other people, Robbie." "What other people?" he asked. Susan lifted her hand and brushed back a long lock of hair that had fallen across his forehead. "Right now there's a lady downstairs with two children, Robbie. She has no place to go. She's just like we were when we came here. If we don't leave, they won't be able to stay. I'm stronger now; I have a good job. It's time for us to move on and let them have our rooms. We're okay now. Don't you think?" Robbie looked at his mother. "I didn't know about the other people. I guess you're right." Susan hugged him. "C'mon. Kate's waiting for us downstairs." Robbie grabbed his duffel bag and took one of the paper bags his mother handed him. He followed her out. Robbie didn't took back at their room. It wasn't their apartment any longer; it belonged to someone else. Robbie was moving again. He knew it was to a better place, but all the same Robbie had the feeling he wasn't getting any closer to having his Christmas wish. Kate was standing with Michael. "I won't tell you I'm sad to see you leave-I want everyone here to find a good life and move on-but I'd be lying if I didn't tell you that I'll miss YOU." Susan hugged Kate. "If I can ever be of any help to you or anyone, please call me." "We need all the help we can get. But for now, take care of yourself and Robbie. That's the most important thing." "I will.- Kate turned to Robbie. "You're a fine boy, Robbie. I know you and your mother will be just fine." She gave Robbie a hug. "Merry Christmas." "Merry Christmas, Kate." 350 Becoming I took the sack Robbie was carrying. "Is that every- ,,'Sure is," Susan said as Michael held the door for her and was warm and sunny as they drove to the apartment. an was excited about the move; Robbie could tell. Her s and face were animated. He noticed that she touched I's arm often as she spoke. He watched how Michael at his mother, and she had a special way of looking Vichael that he'd never seen on her face before. They looked like those people in the movies during the when they were falling in love. Robbie watched them usly. He'd never seen his mother look at his daddy like And his daddy had never acted so nice to his mother. Actually, now that Robbie thought about it, he liked Mi- 1. Michael didn't talk down to him like some people did kids. Michael wasn't trying to impress Robbie like some those jerks his daddy worked with. Robbie thought about of the adult friends his mother and daddy had and shook s head. I.Amrs. He looked back at

Michael. For the most part the three of did pretty ordinary things, but Michael made even a unday drive in his car fun. He told funny stories and made bie and his mother laugh. She was laughing now. Robbie knew his mother needed to laugh. For that alone "be liked Michael. "Well, here we are," Michael said as he pulled the car to stop at the curb. Robbie climbed out of the backseat of the car, dragging his duffel bag with him. The trees around here were huge, he thought. They were old oaks, just like the ones back home in New Orleans. Southern old oaks, Grandpa had called them. He rentembered-his grandpa telling him stories about the Civil War, and how the Rebels had climbed up into the old oaks, their gray uniforms blending with the gray Spanish 351

Catherine Lanigan moss. Robbie had always liked-old oaks like these. Michael explained that they weren't renting the big house in front with the leaded windows and porte cochere, but rather the carriage house in back. As Robbie walked down the path next to the driveway, he realized this place, too, was hidden from view. We're still in hiding, he thought. They walked up to the door and Michael unlocked it. "I hope you like it, Robbie," Michael said. Susan detected a twinkle in Michael's eye, but she had no idea what was on his mind. The minute she walked in, she knew. Michael must have gotten up at the crack of dawn to get so much accomplished, she thought. There was a fire in the fireplace and Christmas carols were playing on the radio. And the smells! She could smell fresh baked bread, cinnamon, and pine. She looked over to the far left comer of the living room, and there stood a small but very real evergreen tree, sitting in a wooden barrel for support. He'd strung the tree with tiny white lights, but it was still undecorated. She rushed into Michael's arms and kissed him. "Michael, it's beautiful!" "I wanted us to have a real Christmas," he said and kissed her back, long and tenderly. For a moment Michael and Susan forgot Robbie. Robbie was uncomfortable watching his mother kissing Michael, so he did the only thing he knew how to do. He made fun of them. He put his forearm to his lips and began making outrageous kissing sounds. "Smack Smmmmmccchhhh. Smack. Smmmmoooooch. Robbie imitated them and then laughed. Susan wanted to ignore Robbie, she loved kissing Michael so much, but she didn't. "Okay. Okay. So I got carried away." 352 Becoming "not that great of a tree, Mom," he said. He put his -bag on the couch and walked over to the tree. "Where ornaments?" ael looked at Susan. Something wasn't quite right. "I I we would string cranberries and popcom, Robbie. hang some sugar cookies and gingerbread men on it. es, too. My mother always had a tree that we could gs right off of." sounds like, a lot of fun, doesn't it, Robbie?" Susan Sure," Robbie said morosely. He looked around the little It was a cool place. He liked the colors, the stacks of and CDs he could see on the bookshelves. He liked @plants in the kitchen window. He looked up to the loft ; he guessed that was where the bedroom was. He'd als wanted a bedroom that looked over the living room like Then he could drop his toys over the balcony to the floor w and not have to make so many trips up and down the as

he'd always had to do at his grandparents' house. ie could tell his mother loved the place. She was gushabout every little thing Michael had done to get it ready them. There were gumdrops in a dish on the coffee table. 'd bought Santa face and hand towels for the kitchen and m and put a wreath on the French door. He'd even a couple of strings of lights on one of the trees in the kyard. obbie went to look at the garden with his mother and hael. He had to admit it was a beautiful place. But it was all wrong. Robbie sat at the wooden table while chael made hot cocoa with marshmallows. It wasn't a cold y, but it was Christmas time, so they pretended it was cold outside. Susan made grilled cheese sandwiches for lunch and they talked about where they needed to go shopping that day to get last-minute things for the apartment. Robbie could hear 353

Catherine Linigan his mother whispering to Michael about Christmas toys. It was all so natural. But it was all wrong to Robbie. It was while Susan and Michael were making plans to go to midnight Mass and then to meet Michael's family at his mother's house that it happened. Robbie began to cry. It was the strangest thing, he thought, because he didn't even realize he was crying. He just looked down and saw tears falling on his grilled cheese. "Robbie! What is it, sweetheart?" Susan exclaimed as she got out of her chair and took Robbie in her arms. She hugged him very close. He shook his head. How could he tell her when he didn't know himself? He just kept crying and holding his mother's neck tighter and tighter. "Is it this house? You' don't like the house?" "I like it..." She glanced at Michael, whose face had gone ashen. He pointed to himself, indicating that he was the problem. "Is it Michael? You don't -like Michael? Do you want him to leave?" "No." Robbie tried to stop crying, but the sobs clutched at his ribs and it felt as if he couldn't get any air. "Yes." Michael knew when to take his cue. "I think I'll go to the store and pick up that wrapping paper and ribbon you wanted. I'll be back later." Susan was grateful for Michael's insight. "T'hanks," she said as Michael let himself out of the apartment. Susan grabbed a tissue from the kitchen counter and handed it to Robbie. Then she led him to the couch and held him on her lap. "Can you tell me what's wrong?" "I never saw you ... kiss anybody but Daddy." "I thought that might be what was wrong." She wiped his cheeks with her fingertips. "Michael and I are falling in love, 354 Becoming -He's come to mean a great deal to me. He and I have about a future together." looked at his mother. Even when she talked about I she looked different. Her voice sounded happier. He his mother so much. He wanted her to be happy. He couldn't understand why he was so sad. "Is he going to YOUT' Yes, I think so." d he's going to be my new daddy?" 'Michael and you and I will live together. He'll be your er.11 ."What about my other daddy?" Robbie's eyes were curious, Susan thought. She didn't see in them. It was only that he wanted the plans laid out him. He wanted her to put the pieces of their lives to- r. ,Susan had never felt so empowered as she did at that mot. She was in charge of her life. She was making the isions that would affect all of them for many years to e. She. wanted to make certain she did the right

things. was happy with Michael, but her first responsibility was Robbie. She wanted her child to feel good about everyg. She couldn't push him anymore, or force -another ge on him. Enough, was enough. It was time to slow n and make clear decisions. "I've decided to divorce your daddy, Robbie. Even if I ren't thinking about marrying Michael, I know I would ,have come to this decision. I can't run away from the past any longer. It's time for me to face my own mistakes." Susan took a deep breath. "'Mere are some very serious things I have to talk to you about, Robbie. You see, when we came to Houston I did something wrong." Robbie interrupted. "No you didn't. We had to leave." "I know. But I crossed the state line with you, and that's illegal. I'm in some trouble over that, I can tell you. But with 355

Catherine Lanigan Michael's help we may be all right He's got a lawyer in New Orleans who has agreed to take my case." Robbie put his hand on his mother's cheek. "You look scared, Mommy-- "I am. I wanted us to be so far away that your daddy could never hurt me again. But I guess I can't hide forever." "Maybe it wouldn't be so bad, Mommy. Maybe it would be different if we went back.- Susan knew that children of divorce often believed that if their parents got back together, they would be adult enough to work out their differences. What the children never understood was that parents were only children, too, and in the midst of an emotional divorce everyone acted childishly. "I've thought of that. Some things have changed. My mother and father have shown me that.?' Robbie cocked his head to the side and peered into his mother's eyes. "I want to go home for Christmas, Mommy. I warma see Grandpa and Grandma. I miss them so much. Mommy, please." Susan wished she could take a child's view and d1ink that Jim might have changed. And if was possible, wasn't it? Miracles happened every day. At least that was what they told you in church. Maybe Jim had changed. Maybe enough time had elapsed for him, to see that divorce was the only answer. For years Jim had been adamant that he would never divorce her. He was Catholic, and Catholics didn't divorce. How many times had she said to herself, "No, they just beat their wives." . Each time Susan looked back on her past with Jim the scene was uglier and darker than the time before. The more she detached herself from him, the more objective she became about her old life, and the more thankful she was for her new one. She hadn't talked to Jim since the night she'd left in June. Six months was a long time for him to think about his actions 356 Becoming their repercussions. Perhaps he had cleansed himself of of his demons. People changed every day, if they were fing to do so. At the very least it was possible that he'd .zed she couldn't live with him any longer. t was Christmas, after all, and she was entitled to a mir- 357

prif 0 0 Chapter 1 Dirty-SIX Lieutenant Roberts took the early morning flight from New Orleans to Houston. He rented a car and drove straight to the Star of Hope Mission. Lieutenant Roberts was aware that Brian Patterson was privy to the same information as he was because they both used the same snitch at the FBI office. What Brian didn't understand was that Bob Ludlow had been a personal friend of Nate Roberts for years. Brian had eavesdropped on Bob's telephone conversation with him that morning as Brian was clearing out his desk. "Bob, tell me what you can do for me. This girl is important to me. I don't want to see her get hurt." Bob Ludlow groaned. "Don't tell me this is another one of your hearts-and-flowers cases, Nate." "Maybe." "Aw, for Pete's sake. When are you gonna learn not to get mixed up in these domestic things? I woulda thought you taking the knife for that Westly dame back in Seventy-five would have cured you." 358 Becoming 'Yeah. You'd think "It's always the same story. The wife goes screaming for lp and then the minute a cop wants to nab her husband, jumps on our back and keeps us from makin' the wrest. ,And we're the ones who get stabbed, beaten, and shot at! they complain we don't do anything about domestic vince. It's too goddamn unpredictable!" "I hear you. But this one I want to keep from going back "So, what do you want? She's at the Star of Hope Mission in Houston. Her name is Star Kaiser. She's working %for an o ey over there, Michael Barton. She's doing great, actually. I'd like to leave her alone." "Then why don't you?" "What? And lose my job? I've got retirement coming up. "Lose her for twenty-four hours, Bob." "I can't." "You can and you will. You owe me." "Yeah. I do. Okay. Twenty-four hours, but that's all. And Nate?" "Yeah?" "Good luck." "Thanks." Lieutenant Roberts hung up the phone, -and, as he did he looked out the window at Brian, who was sup , _posed to be gathering his personal belongings. Instead he had hung u the telephone receiver at precisely the same moment Rob- @ p erts had done so. Roberts shook his head. "This guy needs a permanent leave of absence." He hauled himself out of the chair and went to Brian's desk, Roberts glared at Brian.

"You've got to get better at this stuff if you intend to make a living here, son." "What?" Brian pretended innocence. "You were eavesdropping on my conversation with the FBI.'7 359

Catberine.L.anigan "In your dream. I don't give a damn what you do with the FBI. Haven't you heard? I'm suspended, thaiiks to you." Roberts leaned very close to Brian's face. His eyes were intense and threatening. "Get this straight. You screw with my case and your butt is mine. You of all people should know that when I'm on a case I never give up till I find him. Never." Brian forced a smite, but his hands were shaking. "You got this all wrong." Roberts picked up a centerfold calendar and threw it into the cardboard box Brian was using to pack his things. "Don't forget your family photos." Roberts stalked out of the office and headed for the front door. Knowing Brian the way he did, he would bet his next call would be to Tate Rawlings. Roberts didn't have a minute to lose. He had planned to drive to Houston, but he didn't have enough time now. The captain would be happy about that. Roberts would pay for his plane ticket himself. The clock was ticking. Jim Kidd took a ten o'clock flight to Houston Hobby Airport. He hadn't had time to arrange for a rental car from New Orleans, so the processing in Houston seemed to take forever. A woman ahead of him in line insisted on arguing about the price she was being charged. Jim felt like paying for her damn car himself so she would just move on. On the plane Jim had decided that he couldn't go barging into the Star of Hope and demand to see his wife. It was a shelter, after all, and they probably had rules. God only knew what kind of stories Susan had told those people. He knew he couldn't tell anyone who he was. So he devised a plan. After Jim got his car and was on 1-45 headed north to the city he looked for a quiet restaurant. It was still early in the day, and he knew if he chose one of the finer restaurants, who 360 BeCON1619 to businessmen at lunch and then- the dinner crowd, would find a quiet place to make his call. He drove down Richmond and into the downtown area. On Rusk Street he found just the kind of restaurant he was took- for. He asked for a quiet table, ordered coffee, and told waiter he was waiting for two others to join him Then he asked for the pay phone. 11w waiter informed lurn there, was a private phone war the maitre d's desk drA he could use. Jim had looked up the number for the Star of Hope Mission "when he'd landed at the airport. He dialed the number. Christmas time at the Star of Hope made the downtown ,shopping district look tame. Kate's hands were full to overflowing. She had three staff members down sick with flu and 'the phones rang incessantly- Not only were there new families coming to the mission hoping to find shelter, but already that morning four carloads of food, clothing, and used toys had been dropped off there. 'One of the radio stations called to tell Kate they had raised two thousand dollars that morning; could one of their representatives come over with the check? The abundance was wonderful, Kate thought, but even goodness could give a person a headache. The children were planning a Christmas play, and it seemed that every one of them had found a reason to come to Kate with one question or another.

Kate finally asked Cynthia Pell, one of the resident mothers, to man the phones for her while she greeted the people from the radio station. Cynthia was new to the mission. She had moved in next door to Susan just a few days earlier. She had been sorry to see Susan leave when they were just getting to know one another. Cynthia hadn't worked in the office before, and she welcomed the chance to be useful. 361

Catherine Lanigan Cynthia was unaware of any kind of rules concerrung disclosure of information about the residents. Jim Kidd found himself speaking with Cynthia when he telephoned. "This is Bart Beaulieu calling for Susan Kidd. I understand she may be living there under the name Susan Kaiser," Jim said, using the information Tate Rawlings had given him. "I wanted to wish her a merry Christmas." "Yes, sir," Cynthia said as professionally as she knew how. Susan had told Cynthia that she called her parents twice a week from work and that her boss, Michael Barton, had agreed to pay the phone bill for her. Cynthia had told Susan she wished she felt she could call her parents, but they were estranged. Susan had encouraged Cynthia to make amends with her family. Cynthia wanted to help. "I'd love to help you, sir, but Susan moved out this morning. I'm sorry." "Moved out?" Jim thought his brain would explode. He was beginning to think Susan had some kind of sixth sense that warned her of his presence. "Where could she possibly goT I "I don't know. But you could probably ask the people where she works. They would know." "Susan is working?" "Yes, sir. For Michael Barton. He's an attorney." Jim smiled to himself. "You've been very helpful. I would like to wish you and your family a very merry.Christmas." "Well, thank you, sir. The same to you." "Thank you so very much. And if you do hear from Susan for any reason, please let her know that I phoned." "Yes, sir. I'll do that." Lieutenant Roberts pulled up to the Star, of Hope Mission and parked his car. There were people outside the mission having their picture taken on the front steps under the Star of 362 Becondng !sign. He saw children going in and out with their moth- .ers A van pulled up and began unloading cardboard boxes 'of toys. Roberts had never seen so many toys. Another car pulled up and a fat woman climbed out and waddled up the ,.steps carrying armloads of wrapped packages. In the midst-of all the violence and crime, the heartbreak ravaged lives that made up the fabric of Roberts's job, were also days like this, scenes like this that made him ize there were still hearts filled with charity in the world. He got out of the car and went into the mission. Cynthia answered three more phone calls, took the mesges, and wrote down the information on the carbon teleone pad. Then she answered a phone call that stunned not y herself, but everyone else at the Star of Hope. "This is Bart Beaulieu calling for Susan Kidd. I was won- .

if I might

speak to my daughter." Cynthia didn't know who was playing games with her, but ething told her she was in big trouble. "No, you're not," Cynthia said flatly. "Not what?" "Mr. Beaulieu called here earlier and you are not him, sir." nthia wanted to handle the situation before Kate discovered incompetence- "I assure you, I am Bart Beaulieu and I am Susan's fa- "Then who was the other guy?" Bart felt his blood turn to ice. "What ... other ... God in He felt as if he'd been shot. "He's found her." Sir?" "Young woman, is there someone of authority there to horn I might speak?" Cynthia's hand was trembling. Her first chance at some ibility and she'd blown it. Blown it badly. 363

Cadierine Lanigan -just 4 moment, sir." Cynthia gingerly put the receiver down and went in search of Kate. - Kate had just walked into the mission with the radio people and a photographer from the Houston Chronicle. She didn't see Lieutenant Roberts behind her until he spoke. .,Ma'am." He pulled out his badge. "Could I speak with you a moment?" Kate excused herself from the radio people. "What can I do for you?" Kate asked, looking at the badge. "I don't mean to alarm you, ma'am, but I'm looking for Susan Kidd. You might know her as Susan or Star Kaiser. I've been looking for her since last June. I've been told by the FBI that she was here." "The FBIT' Kate's eyes were wide. "Susan took her son across state lines, and that's -kidnapping, mal am. I wanted to find Susan before . . . Just then Cynthia came rushing up to Kate. Roberts could tell the woman was anything but calm. "Kate, I need you. I have a problem." Kate turned back to Lieutenant Roberts. "Would you ex- cuse me for a moment?" She took a step toward Cynthia. "What's the problem, dear?" Kate asked. Cynthia was beside herself. She barely realized Lieutenant Roberts was present. "Not twenty minutes ago a man called saying he was Bart Beaulieu and asking for Susan Kidd. He said he was Susan's father. Susan told me how close she was with her parents these days, so I told Mr. Beaulieu that Susan left this morning." "Oh, Cynthia, you didn't." A worried frown creased Kate's face. I "I did. And it gets worse. I told him that I didn't know where she went to, but that her boss, Michael Barton, would know." "Well, it can't be helped. And Susan told me herself she 364 Becoming her parents were on good terms. I'm sure it's not the end the world if they know about her job." "That's not the problem." "'What is problem?" Kate asked. Cynthia pointed back to the office. "There's another man on the phone and he says he is Susan's father." Roberts had heard every word of their conversation. He to move quickly. He stepped over to Kate. "Ma'am, may be of assistance, here? I've been on Susan's case from the beginning. One of the reasons I've worked so hard is that I ,know I've got to find her before her husband does. None of ,,us knows what he'll do. Maybe he'll be real sweet to her. aybe he won't. I've seen some pretty awful things happen women like Susan-and their children. I don't want to find er too late."

"I don't want that either, Lieutenant. But I must tell you in reluctant to tell anybody anything." "I understand. However, my sources tell me that her hus- is here in the city, too. I've got to find her first, ma'am." "What do you want me to do?" "Let me speak to whoever that is on the phone." "All right," Kate replied, and showed Roberts to her of- "Mr. Beaulieu?" Roberts asked. "Yes, this is Bart Beaulieu. What is going on over there, way T, Roberts recognized Bart's voice. "This is Lieutenant Rob sir. From the New Orleans Police Department." "What the devil are you doing there? And where is SuT, "She's left, sir. I'm trying to find her before Jim Kidd S. 11 "Jim is there?" "I believe so, sir." "Then hang up this phone and find my daughter and grand- 365

Catherine Lanigan son. And Lieutenant, when you do? Bring her here. She'll be safe here." "Yes, sir," Roberts assured him and hung up. He turned to Kate. "Where will I find Susan?" 366 P71AF 0 Chapter I MrV-sevew Vivian stared at the cold coffee in her Astros mug. She was one of those people who needed coffee in the morning. Not wanted but needed. And today she'd only had half a cup, which meant her brain wasn't plugged in yet. The traffic had been murder this moming--due to.lastminute shoppers getting an early start, she supposed. From the minute she'd walked in the door she had answered so many phone calls that she hadn't had time to drink her coffee. Lunch had come and gone, and still she hadn't had her coffee. "I'm on overload," she mumbled to herself She rose to pour herself a fiesh cup when the phone rang again- "Damn!" she swore under her breath. "After you, I get my coffee!" She grabbed the receiver with a vengeance. "Good afternoon, Barton and Parker," she said. "Ho. Ho. Ho. Merry Christmas. Is my old pal Michael there?" Jim asked in the obnoxious, jovial tone of voice he'd assumed for this masquerade. 367

Catherine Lanigan "Michael is out of the office, sir. Is there anything I can do for you?" "Listen, I'm an old college buddy of Michael's. I'm out here at Hobby Airport on a layover to ... Richmond. I only have twenty minutes, but I'm wondering if I could talk to Michael while I'm in town. Wish him a merry Christmas and all that" "I'm sorry you missed him. I'll tell him you called, Mister ... ?" "Anderson. Roy. Say! If I know Michael, he's got a car phone. What's that number?" Jim tried another tack. "I'm not allowed to give out that number unless it's an emergency, sir." "Aw, have a heart. It's Christmas. Didn't he leave a number where he could be reached? I'd love to talk to him, and now I've only got eighteen minutes before this plane takes off.- The second phone line lit up. All Vivian wanted was her coffee. "Could you hang on just a moment, sir?" As Vivian answered line twQ, lines three and four lit up. She went back to line one. . Jim was known as a charmer. He could sweet-talk anybody out of anything. He'd made thousands on that ability. "I know you9re just swamped there, and I know this is an imposition, but I don't pass this way often. Michael and I used to be so close, but it's hard when I'm way out west all the time, you know?" "Well, he did leave this temporary number where he would be this afternoon only. I suppose it wouldn't hurt to give it to you. It's 993-8794." "Thanks a lot. And listen, you have yourself a merry Christmas," Jim said charmingly. "Thanks. You, too," Vivian replied and punched the sec- ond line button. She still hadn't had her coffee. 368 Becondng Lieutenant Roberts had no difficulty finding Barton and Parker, thanks to Kate's specific directions. He scanned the area for any signs of a rental car and a single male driver, but he saw none. Roberts was running on gut instinct. In the thousands of 'cases he'd investigated in his lifetime there always cam a :time when logic proved faulty. The facts had been laid out for him. Susan was in hiding but on the run. Jim was in Houston and hunting her down. Roberts knew he was running against a clock that had been set by Jim Kidd. He had taught himself how to move out of ,the mind of the cop and into the mind of the criminal-in @this case, an abuser. As he got out of his car and carefully looked down the ,quiet street at the well-kept bungalow houses, he kept asking elf where Jim would be. What was Jim's best vantage int? At what point would Jim abandon logic and Ilet his ons take over? There was no question. in Roberts's mind that Jim had al- y crossed that line. In Jim's mind Susan had ceased to a person to him and had become an object. Once Susan as depersonalized in Jim's conscience he was capable of ing, including murder. It was Lieutenant Roberts's bet that Susan had been an t to Jim Kidd since long

before the first time he'd -hit Roberts walked into the law offices of Barton and Parker. "Good morning, ma'am," he said to Vivian, who was just ging up the telephone. "Good morning.,, "I was wondering if you could help me." Vivian smiled. "I'd love to, but would you help me first?" "Excuse me?" "I need a cup of coffee. I've been here five hours and I en't had but half a cup. I'd love to get you one, too." 369

Catherine Lanigan "That would be very nice, ma'am." Vivian started to walk away and then turned back to him. "Please, call me Vivian." "Yes, ma'am, Vivian." He smiled winningly at her. He chose to stand while he waited for her. She returned with two steaming mugs of coffee. "Here you are." She handed him one. She drank deeply of hers, savonng every drop. "Now, what can I do for you?" "I'd like to see Michael Barton. Is he available?" She peered at him. "You don't have an appointment, right?" "No." He reached into his coat pocket and pulled out @is badge. "I'm from the New Orleans Police Department. I m looking for Susan Kidd. You probably know her as Susan Kaiser." Vivian's eyes narrowed. She had been too close to Susan and her problems herself to ever trust cops who came looking for a runaway woman. What if this guy was lying? What if he was Susan's husband? Or her father? Or a private dick? Vivian didn't trust badges or credentials. "How did you find out she was working here?" "I went to the Star of Hope Mission," he began. He could tell he wasn't convincing Vivian in the least. She didn't trust him at all. He stopped himself in the middle of his explanation. "I can see I'm not winning any brownie points with YOU, am IT' Vivian shook her head. "I've been looking for Susan since she ran away in June. At first I wanted to find her because I've known too = young women like her who go back to their abusive hush There was something about Susan, and Robbie, too, that made me want to protect her." "You know her then?" Vivian interrupted- "Never met her in my life. But on another level," he pointed.to his temple, "I do know her. But that was then and 370 Becoming is now. Susan is in very serious trouble. I've got only a w hours left before the feds hit the street looking for her. y're pretty good at their jobs." Vivian suddenly realized the enormity of Susan's situation. Before Lieutenant Roberts could continue the door opened Michael walked in. "Michael!" Vivian exclaimeA "I thought you were off for day." "I was. But something came up..." He looked at Lieuant Roberts. "Oh, Michael, this is Lieutenant Roberts from the New Police Department. He's looking for Susan." Vivian glad to pass the responsibility to Michael. She didn't t to get involved in something that had anything to do the federal government. Roberts shook Michael's hand and showed him his badge. ichael had seen the New Orleans Police badge before.

"I a friend on the force over there. Captain Michaud." "He's my superior." "Good man," Michael replied, now convinced that Robwas on the level. "Come to my office where we can be va Michael led the way up the staircase and down the hall to room that had been the master bedroom in this house y decades ago. The office was masculine and comfortaMichael had fishing paraphernalia hanging on the walls expensive fly fishing rods sitting in the corners. On the I behind the desk grouped with his framed degrees were res of Michael with his friends on fishing- trips. Judging the mountains in the background of the pictures, the ority of them had been taken in Montana. "'I'll get right to it," Roberts said. "As I was telling your , the FBI knows where Susan has been hiding." "I know that," Michael said. s was surprised, but he shouldn't have been. Michael Robert 371

ICatherine Lanigan was shrewd. He could tell that by looking into the man's eyes. He also knew Michael was honest and intelligent. Michael continued. "I know this because I did some checking of my own about Susan when we became ... involved." "I thought she worked here." Roberts thought he'd been misinformed. Or perhaps Kate hadn't been privy to all that was happening in Susan's life. "She does work here. I intend to marry Susan once we get this mess straightened up. I've convinced her to go back to New Orleans and file for divorce after the first of the year." Roberts shook his head. "What's wrong with that?" "Nothing. Except it's going to have to be a whole lot sooner than that." "Why's that?" "Because Jim Kidd is in Houston right now. I'm trying to find her before he does," Roberts said. "Do you think she's in danger?" "I do. I've been on this case a long time. I feel I know the dynamics of the situation. In Jim's mind Susan is no longer a person. She's a possession he@ lost, and he's got to get her back. At any cost. My gut tells me his mind may have finally snapped. I think if he finds her he'll kill her." Roberts took out a handkerchief and wiped his bald head, a nervous habit. "Jesus!" Michael shot out of his chair. "I think Susan has known this all along. I think that's why she ran in the first place. I think that's why she went to such great lengths to stay hidden." "I just moved her into my buddy's carriage house today." "That was good, sir," Roberts commended Michael. "You did that because you knew about the FBIT' "Partly," Michael said. "Actually, my motive was selfish. I thought if I gave Susan a few days of normalcy where she could think without the constant reminder that she was living in a shelter for the homeless, she would be more clear about 372 Beconsing her feelings for me. I wanted her to have nice surroundings, and hidden the way it is, I felt she would feel e in saf the house. The FBI I could deal with. 11ey don't want to arrest a young woman like Susan anyway. Not really. As long as I assured them that I would be taking her back to New Orleans, they would be satisfied. I've already retained a buddy of mine, Bob Randolf, over there to handle the divorce. She doesn't know it, but he's been drawing up her papers for a couple of days now." "You say you think Susan is safer, "I believe so."

"Then, if you wouldn't mind, I'd like to hang around your office for the rest of the day." "What for?" Roberts looked Michael squarely in the eye. "Jim Kidd is 00 dummy. It's my bet he'll find your offices within an hour of being in town." "Hell!" Michael ran his hand through his hair. Roberts could tell that Michael loved Susan. But did he love her enough to risk his own life for her? "I don't think I have to tell you that your life is in danger, too.- "No, you don't That seems to be the pattern these days, doesn't it? Kill the boyfriend, kill the wife, kill the kids. you read about this stuff in the papers. You watch the trials being nducted on television, and it seems surreal somehow. As if "You're waiting for an Orson Welles type to announce that this ,has all been a joke. And then you realize it's really happening. 'Not just once, but a lot. And you think: 'tsk, tsk. Too bad. 'Those People Out there must be crazy. 'Mat could never hapn to me.' Roberts lowered his eyes and nodded his head. "And then, there you are." He looked back to the pictures on the wall. '@'You look like your life has been pretty normal. You meet 'a pretty girl, like Susan. You fall in love, maybe." Roberts back at Michael. "Maybe You realize this could be 373

Cadierine Lanigan dangerous and you're right in the middle of it. You could get killed. Maybe you want to bail out." Roberts was testing Michael. If Jim Kidd did go crazy and do something stupid, Roberts needed to know how many people he would be protecting- Michael's eyes filled with fire. "Wrong!" He put his hands on his desk and leaned very close to Roberts. "You think if somebody doesn't stop this son of a bitch and make an example of him, then this world really is doomed. There has to be some justice someplace. 9' "Damn! You're an idealist ... just like me." Roberts smiled. Just then Vivian buzzed Michael's intercom. "I'm sorry to interrupt you, Michael, but .1 forgot to relay the message that one of your college friends called while you were out. I wasn't expecting you back." "Really? Who was it?" "Roy Anderson. He said he was at Hobby Airport on a layover to Richmond. I didn't give him the car phone number, just that new number where yoq said you'd be for the afternoon. Did he get a hold of you?" Michael felt the hairs on the back of his neck bristle. His blood ran cold and his hands went nunib. "I don't know any Roy Anderson, Vivian." Roberts was on his feet in an instant. "There are no planes at Hobby that fly to Richmond. That would have to be out of Intercontinental Airport. I I Michael bolted for the door. "Slow down. Let's think this thing through," Roberts advised. "I think Jim would come here first. The best friend ploy worked pretty good for him. Call Susan and see if she's had any calls from Jim." "And then I get her and Robbie packed and go to New Orleans." "Precisely. But don't fly. Jim is flying, and if I'm wrong 374 BecoWng he doesn't come here or I miss h , you don't want to im be at Hobby when he sees her. It'll take eight hours to get to New Orleans. Use your car phone to call her parents, just in case any wires have been tapped." "You have done this before," Michael said, impressed. "Just to be safe." "I understand.- "Don't take her to her parents' house. If Jim discovers he's been tricked, he'll look for her there first Take her to a hotel." Roberts took out one of his cards. "Call me at this number. I check in for my messages nearly every hour. I'll call every thirty minutes to see if they've heard from you. You can tell me then where you are." "Okay," Michael said, taking the card. He shook Roberts's hand. Michael knew he was putting himself in potential mortal danger by volunteering to be Susan's bodyguard, and the thought weighed heavily on his mind.

But he knew he was doing the tight thing. Roberts had ordained himself Susan's champion long before Michael had even met her. Roberts had never even met Susan. Michael at least was in love with her. There was no question in Michael's mind as to who the hero was in this scenario. He wondered fleetingly if he would ever see Lieutenant Roberts again. 375

Chapter Thirty-eight Jim Kidd asked the waiter for directions to the West University area and wrote them down in his notebook. Then he paid his bill and left the restaurant. The traffic was thick and slow that day. Jim had always hated Christmas shopping and shoppers; now he hated it even more. It took him nearly forty-five minutes to reach West University. He parked his car facing north under a huge oak that had not yet lost its leaves. Because it had been an unusually warm December most of the foliage was as thick and full as in summertime. Most of the annual flowers in the area had been replaced with fresh pansies, and the law offices of Barton and Parker were no exception. How like Susan to pick a place like this to work, he thought. It had always been her dream to move back into New Orleans and live in one of the less expensive areas near the Garden District. At the time Jim couldn't afford it. Now, however, all that had changed. He could buy any- 376 Becoming, thing he wanted'. He could buy her a mansion right, on St, Charles Street. Hell, yes, he could. With the deals he'd be closing in the next few years, he'd have the damn thing paid off in no time. All he had to do was find Susan. He looked up at that moment and saw a man exiting the front door of the building. He was about the same age as Jim he guessed. He was tall and good-looking, and he dressed the way Susan always wanted him to dress. He dressed like ... Bart Beaulieu. Jim sat up straight. His animal instincts were pricked. Jim turned on the ignition just as the man reached the driver's side of the car. Jim guessed the man to be either Barton or Parker. The man looked up the street toward Jim's car. Jim slumped down into the seat. He watched the man out of his sideview mirror as he looked down the street in the opposite direction. It was as if he was looking for someone. Why, he's looking for me! Jim just knew it. His antennae were charged with electricity. It didn't take a genius to know this man was going to show him to Susan. He got into his car and pulled away from the curb and drove south. Jim watched the Barton Parker man out- of his rearview mirror and saw him turn left at the comer. Jim drove north to the next comer and turned right. That way, if he was looking to see whether he was being followed, he would be put off guard by Jim driving in the opposite direction. Four stop signs later Jim peered down the block and saw Barton Parker turn right. Jim kept his distance as he turned right. Six blocks farther away the car came to a. stop. Jim drove very slowly as he watched Barton Parker dispear behind a wall of high ligustrurn hedges. ? Jim pulled the car to a stop. He looked at the large old se in front of him. There were no signs of life in the house 377

Catherine Lanigan at all. Ile only -car he saw was the one Barton Parker, had been driving. "Where the hell did he go?" Jim asked himself Susan greeted Michael with a hug and a kiss. She could tell instantly that something was wrong. His skin felt like ice and his mind wasn't on their kiss. "Susan, we have to talk." "Yes, I know. I found out what was wrong with Robbie." Michael's impatience to get Susan and Robbie out of Houston was nearly killing him. He wanted to show his concern over Robbie's feelings, but right now he just wanted to keep the kid alive. "Tell me," he said a bit too anxiously. Susan frowned. "He wants to go back to New Orleans. All this running and hiding isn't good for him." She scrutinized Michael's face. "Michael, what is it? You look like you're about to jump out of your skin." I 'Let, s just say Robbie is going to get his, wish." "What? I don't understand." Susan was confused. He placed his hands on Susan's shoulders. "We're leaving for New Orleans now." .'Why?" "Jim is here in Houston." Susan's hands flew to her face. Her eyes were filled with terror. Michael continued. "I just had a meeting with a Lieutenant Roberts of the New Orleans Police Department who says he's been tracking you for six months. The FBI has known you were at the Star of Hope for a day now." "The FBI?- Susan was scared. Visions of prison cells swept across her mind. "Don't be ffightened. I'd learned that much myself" "How?" "I did some checking of my own the past few days. I thought we would be safe. You would be safe. That's why 1 378 Oecoming this place. I wanted you to have some time to think YOU about us. I didn't want you to come to me like I was another hideout. I wanted you to be sure about how you felt about me. Unfortunately we've run out of time." "What'll we do?" "Get your stuff together. The lieutenant and sorts. I'm going to drive you there myself." at him and saw the face of a hero. He looked He was not foolhardy but courageous. He knew his actions, yet he chose to defend her, She if anything happened to him.

I have a game plan of 'Oh, Michael." She looked frightened yet determined. all the ramifications of didn't know what she'd do

"I can't let you do it," she said finally. "What?" He thought he wasn't hearing her right. "You can't go alone." "Yes, I can. I can call my parents and they'll vouch for some plane tickets." Michael shook his head. "It's not happening. Lieutenant Roberts and I have already discussed that. The airport is the first place -Jim will go if he gets the scent that you're on the run again. I'm taking you to New Orleans in my car. It's ,parked out front. And we're going now." Jim was about to get out of his car to follow Barton Parker when another car pulled up. A young, pretty Me ican girl got out of the car. She went x to the trunk and pulled out a big garbage bag. In her other hand she carried a teddy bear. Robbie's teddy bear! Jim's senses went on alert. Susan and Robbie were here! But where? He watched as the girl walked down the drive and disappeared in the back. What the hell? Jim got out of his car and walked down the walk on his side of the street. The house was bordered high hedges on three sides, but on the west side of the 379

Catherine Lanigan, house the old hedges had dunned. Through the break in the greenery he could see a carriage house. He saw Susan greet the Mexican girl with a hug. They were laughing. The Mexican girl held up Robbie's teddy bear and Susan took it. She called to Robbie. Robbie came to the door. He hugged the Mexican girl. Then they all went inside. Jim didn't know who this girl was or why she had Susan's things, but he wished she'd get the hell out of there. She had no right to be with Susan. He should be the one talking with her. And where was that man? He was in there, too. What kind of party was Susan having in there anyway? Jim raced back to his car, started the engine, and headed back a block to the gas station he'd seen on his way here. He pulled to a stop in front of a pay phone. He got out of the car and went to the phone, taking out the number the secretary at Barton and Parker had given him. The phone rang- "I'll get it!" Robbie yelled downstairs to the adults, who were still chattering among themselves. "Hello?" Robbie said, holding the receiver with both hands. "Robbie! It's Daddy! How are you, son?" "Daddy? It doesn't sound like you." "That's because your Mommy has been so mean and kept you away from me for so long, you don't even recognize my voice any more.11 "Mommy's not mean. You hit her. Daddy, why did you do that?" -It was just an accident, Robbie. That happens sometimes when people get older. It doesn't mean anything." Robbie felt the tears coming. "It doesn't, Daddy?" "No, Robbie. It doesn't mean a thing. I love you. I've missed you so much. I want you to come home with me." 380 Becoming "Oh, Daddy. I want to come home, too. can we go see Grandma and Grandpa right away?" "We'll see.- Downstairs, Susan stopped midsentence. "Why is anyone calling us?" She looked at Michael. Terror shot through her. "Robbie . . . " His name came out as barely a whisper. Michael put his finger to his lips. He motioned for Micaela and Susan not to speak. Michael whirled around and headed for the stairs. Susan was right behind him. Robbie was still talking on the phone. "But I want to see them. I miss them so much." Robbie's tears were getting thicker.

"Damn it, Robbie. You can see them. All right?" "But, Daddy . . . - Robbie was crying now. His daddy was being mean to him again. It wasn't like he said at all. Robbie hated the way his daddy growled at him when he got mad. Just like he was doing now. He was making Robbie afraid. "Now you tell your Mommy to get those people out of the house. I'm coming to pick you up right now." Just then, Michael and Susan raced up the stairs. Robbie looked up at his mother's pale face and handed her the phone.' "Hello?" Susan asked, but all she heard was the dial tone. She quickly hung up the phone. Robbie was shaking. Something was terribly wrong. "Who was it?" Susan knew she didn't have to ask. "Daddy's coming to get me!" Robbie burst into tears. Susan scooped him into her arms. "Get to the car! Fast!" Michael said. Michael raced down the stairs. "Micaela, get the hell out of here. Susan will call you in a few days!" Micaela had heard the conversation in the loft. "Susan, Like care of yourself!" Micaela raced out of the carriage 381

Catherine Lanigan house and down the drive to her ca. She didn't look back as, she floored the gas pedal. Her tires squealed as she drove off. Michael locked the French doors, checked to make sure the oven and stove were off, and placed the firescreen over the fireplace. He'd call Harry from the car and tell him to go back and douse the fire. "Lefs go!" Michael said. Susan was already out the door. She held Robbie's hand as they raced down the drive. If Jim was this close, Michael knew they were in big trouble. He went back to the phone and dialed his office. Vivian answered promptly. "Viv! Give Lieutenant Roberts directions to Harry's place and tell him Jim has called Robbie. He says he's on his way to the carriage house. And huffy! I'm leaving with Susan. I'll call you from the car." "Okay." Vivian hung up. Jim jumped back into his car and raced away from the gas station. He started to run the stop sign, but a woman in a Mercedes wagged her finger at him. He gave her the finger back. She purposefully dawdled across the intersection. Jim hit the gas. He'd take her tail end off, he thought. The woman realized what he was up to and hit the gas. Jim missed her back end by less than an inch. Jim sped down the block. He could see Susan and Robbie coming down the driveway. They were running toward the man's car. They were running away from him! Jim couldn't let that happen. Not when he'd come so close to finding them. He ran the car up on the sidewalk. Susan screamed. Robbie screamed. ."Daddy!" Robbie clung to his mother. 382 Becoming Jim got out of the car. "I'm sorry, Susan." His laugh was high-pitched and nervous. Jim looked as if he hadn't slept in weeks. He'd lost weight. His skin was white and puffy, as if he had a hangover. He looked nothing like the man she had loved. The man she had married. Susan was afraid of this man. Her heart was in her throat. She hugged Robbie to her. "Daddy!" Robbie screamed a high squeal. "You're making me scared." Jim kept approaching them with long, predatory strides. Susan saw her life pass in front of her eyes. She didn't care if she lived or died, only that she protect Robbie. Robbie had to be safe.... "Go away, Jim. Leave us alone," she said firmly. She was amazed how fearless she sounded when she thought she was going to die. It was as if once her decision had been made, she was at peace with it, with herself

All she had to do was protect Robbie. "You must be kidding, Susan," Jim continued. "You're my wife. I'm just taking what is already my own. Ijust want you and Robbie to come home. I want to be a family again. Tbat's all." "Don't use your snake charmer's tactics on me, Jim. I'm not going home with you. I'm filing for a divorce as soon as I get back to New Orleans." Susan didn't notice that Jim had balled his fists. But Robbie did. "Daddy! No!" Robbie screamed with a cry of one who is dying- Robbie's scream was loud enough to reach the saints in heaven. It pierced the air and rattled the windows of the car- 383

Catherine Lanigan riage house. Michael thought he would hear that cry in the marrow of his bones for the rest of his life. He raced like the wind, running across the grass so swiftly that neither Jim, Susan, nor Robbie even heard his approach. "You bitch! You will not take, my son away from me!" Jim raised his fist. Michael sprinted across the lawn. Just as Jim's fist was about to connect with Susan's face, Michael pushed Susan and Robbie to the side and came at Jim with a left block. He braced himself as an enraged Jim threw him to the ground and began pummeling him. Lieutenant Roberts pulled up to the house just as Jim attacked Michael. He jumped out of the car and ran toward Jim. Jim was about to hit Michael in the jaw when Michael turned the tables on him, grabbing his hair and yanking him off and to the ground. Roberts walked up to the dueling men and pulled out his handcuffs. "Let him up, Mr. Barton. I'm arresting this man on assault and battery charges." Michael's face was flush, his heart beating a thousand times a second. He'd never fought with a man in his life and he learned that day that he never wanted to again. Michael had discovered his own need to protect. There was an animal inside him that urged him to maim the predator who threatened those he loved. Michael watched as Lieutenant Roberts handcuffed Jim and read him his rights. Michael wiped his sweaty forehead with his coat sleeve. He was still having a difficult time calching his breath. For a moment in time Michael had become an animal just like Jim. He'd tasted the need for blood. He would have fought Jim to. the death if necessary. Jim was snorting spittle and blood. "You son of a bitch! 384 BecoiWng I'll get you for this. You can't protect her forever. She's mine, dammit. She's mine. You can't have her." Roberts had to hold Jim back. The sound of sirens curled around die. comer as three Houston Police cars pulled up. Roberts nodded to one of the officers. "I'm Lieutenant Nathanial Roberts. I'm the one who called you. Thanks for getting here so promptly." "No problem." The officers helped Roberts take Jim to the squad car for processing. Then Roberts would escort Jim back to New Orleans, where he would be arraigned. Susan rushed into Michael's arms. "I was so scared," she said.

"It didn't look like it to me," Michael said. "I thought you were doing fine on your own." "I wasn't going to let him take Robbie," Susan said, letting her tears fall. Just then she looked over at Robbie to see him walking toward the'squad car. He watched as the officers put Jim inside. Jim tried to jerk away from them, but they just pushed his head down and into the car. Robbie took a few steps'closer. He wiped the tears from his cheeks. He raised his hand to wave at his daddy as the squad car drove away, but his daddy didn't see him. Robbie stood on the edge of the lawn crying silent tears. Lieutenant Roberts walked up to Robbie and put his hand on the boy's shoulder. "He won't hurt you now, son." "He didn't see me." "I know." Roberts wanted to tell Robbie that Jim hadn't seen Robbie for a very long time. Maybe with the passing of time, when everyone's emotions had calmed, Jim would be able to see Robbie and Susan for the people they were. One could only hope. 385

I Catherine Lanigan Susan watched the police car drive away with Jim in the backseat. Everything had happened so fast, she was having difficulty piecing events together. What struck her the most was the descent of this angel in their midst. She looked at the balding man giving comfort to Robbie. "Who is he?" she asked Michael. "He's the detective from New Orleans who's been looking for you since you ran away." Susan watched as the man spoke to Robbie. She watched as his tears dried and the sad look on his face changed to one of hope. Who was this man who had come to her rescue? Michael had said he'd followed her for six months. She'd lived four lifetimes during those months, and this man had stood in the wings, ready to protect her. Often she'd felt that someone was watching over her. Had it been Lieutenant Roberts? Could it have been his tenacity that had kept Jim somehow at bay? Susan started walking toward him. Lieutenant Roberts looked up at her. She looked just as he'd thought she would. She still, possessed the air of innocence he'd detected in her photographs. It was important to him that she not be jaded by her experiences. He'd worked diligently to keep the hands of evil from her. Susan smiled at him. His eyes squinted with his first smile in months. He presented his hand to her. Susan took his hand and then clasped her left hand over his. "How can I ever thank you?" "No need," was all he could say. Susan was still perplexed as to why he would choose her to protect. "You walked through hell to find me. I knew something was helping me. Someone. And it was you ... all along; It was you." 386 PT,V 0 0 Chapter i nitTv-nine ar New Orleans Susan and, Robbie moved in with, her parents. Annette and Bart had never been so pleased as they were to have Susan safe at home with diem. Michael stayed in New Orleans for Christmas with the Beaulieus. He took the guest room at the end of the hall where he could use the attached study to discuss Susan's case with his friend, Bob Randolf. Susan worked alongside her mother preparing Christmas dinner. Annette watched her as she chopped celery and apples for the stuffing and then sprinkled golden raisins into the bread crumbs. It was an old recipe that had been her mother's. Annette had never realized that Susan had memorized it. Annette had so much she wanted to tell Susan, but she ',didn't know where to begin. She was unsure whether the time was right for deep dialogue and revelations. Annette wanted Susan to know how glad she was to have her home. She 387

Catherine Lanigan didn't want to admonish her for not coming to them. Shewanted Susan to know that things would be different between them now. She would be different. "Susan, I know you've been through a lot. Actually, I have no concept of anything you've done." Annette put down the colander and looked at Susan. "I don't want to know, to tell you the truth. At least not now. If I knew I'd probably feel more guilty than I already do." "You? Feel guilty? For what?" Susan was confused. "Susan, I let you down. I imposed a set of rules and standards on you that I lived by, and that was wrong. While you were gone I've done a lot of soul-searching. In a way I suppose I should thank you for leaving." "Mother, you aren't making any sense." "Susan, I've learned more about myself, my relationship with your father and you, in the last six months than I have in all my life. I went to a therapist, and he showed me where I'd misled you ... even myself I learned about my insecurities and how I'd made myself sick all these years. I've decided not to be sick anymore." Susan was astonished at her mother's insights. She'd been expecting guilt trips and manipulations, but never this. For the first time in Susan's life she looked at her mother not as her parent, but as another woman. It was as if Susan were seeing herself in another light, too. She realized she would never allow another person to sculpt the framework of her life. "How wonderful for you, Mother. How,wonderful for both of us!" Susan went to Annette and hugged her. "I missed you." Annette's eyes filled with tears. "I think you missed your mother. The next time you leave.. Just for a vacation or something like that," Annette chuckled, "I hope you miss Annette, the person. I think you may like her even more." "I'm sure I will." Susan smiled. "Susan, I want you to know that no matter what your de- 388 BecoWng wi ions am, if you want to stay here with us, move back to Houston, or back to your house in Metairie, those are your choices. I won't try to change your mind for you or influence you unless you ask my opinion. And my opinion is just that. Just my thoughts." "You really mean this?" "Yes." "I'M impressed." "I'm so very, very proud of you, Susan, for having the courage to leave Jim as you did. So many women stay with men who abuse them. They think they have no choice. They're victims of manipulation and because of that their own thoughts and judgments become twisted. When I think of the hundreds of thousands of children who are subjected to such hideous

scenes of violence it makes me so very angry. Susan, if more women were like you, there would be a lot less violence in this world." Annette hugged Susan again. "I want you to know, you are the closest I've ever come to knowing a real hero." After all the trauma of the past six months Susan was glad to have Michael with her during those days. He helped make her transition back home smoother somehow. Michael was the bridge from her new life to her old one and back again. On Christmas night Susan and Michael sat by the fire talk- after everyone else had gone to bed. "I don't want you to leave," she said. "But I understand." He held her hand. "Susan, besides the work I have waiting for me there's another reason for my leaving." "This sounds ominous," she said. "That's up to you." "What are you talking about?" "I want you to have some time to yourself, Susan, to see "Af, you miss me. I want you to make very, very certain Ivm one you love. I've waited a long time to get married 389

Catherine Lanigan because I don't want,there'to be any mistakes. I happen to believe marriage is a forever kind of thing. You've been through an awful lot and right now you have yourself and Robbie to think about. Bob Randolf is a great guy, and he's already hard at work on your divorce." "I thank you for helping me, Michael. Not just with Bob, but with everything. You risked your life for me." Michael looked into the fire. "I did, at that." He was pensive for a long moment. "I realized for the first time how easy it is to cross the line from rational to irrational. In that moment when I honestly thought it was kill or be killed I felt I knew Jim. I felt like I was inside his head. He was more afraid than I was. He was fighting for the only thing he knew. For some reason Jim thinks his, world is out of control with you gone. And for him the most frightening thing is to be out of control." Susan touched his fingers and held his hand to her cheek. "Maybe someday Jim will get some help. But he has to decide that on his own." "Yes, he does." She looked up into Michael's blue eyes. They were the color of the sea at its deepest, purest point. "I miss you already." "Good. I hope you keep on missing me. That will be your test. You've got a lot to deal with right now. Your divorce hearing will be at the end of January, Bob tells me. And Jim's arraignment on assault charges is set for tomorrow." She looked at him. "You will come back, won't you?" "Sure. If you want me to." "Of course I do." Her eyes were melancholy when she looked at him. "All my life I've been terrified of doing the wrong thing with my life because I was afraid of what my mother's friends would say. I was pregnant with Robbie when Jim and I got married. I never told you that, did P Well, I was. Jim didn't want Robbie. He suggested an abortion, and 390 Becoming I just couldn't do it. I realize now I did Jim a disservice. My parents and I are to blame for pushing him into a marriage he didn't want." She looked into the fire and watched the amber flames. "I ran away because I was afraid to face them. It was so stupid. I put myself and Robbie in jeopardy because of my fears of what people would think. Now I care what I think. How I feet. I care about what I want." "That's the way it should be," Michael said. "I want a life with you, Michael. I do love you. But I'm not ready to go back to Houston. I think it's important for Robbie to be here in New Orleans with his family and back in his own school. Even, though Robbie made some good friends in Houston, more than anything I want him to have some stability in his life." "I couldn't agree with you more," Michael said.

"Really? Do you know what you're saying?" "Yes, I do. You're going to live here. My work and my friends are in Houston. I'll be earning a lot of frequent flyer miles." , Susan was uncertain. "They say long-distance romances never work." Michael took Susan's face in his hands and peered deeply into her eyes. "Susan, if everything works out between us love me, I would move heaven and earth for friends here in New Orleans. Frankly, I've his taking me in as a partner-" Joy filled

and you decide that you truly you. I've already got some talked to Bob Randolf about Susan's face.

"You ... would change your whole ''life for me?" "Yes, I would." Michael kissed her tenderly. He pulled her close to him where he could feel her heartbeat. He wanted Susan to know that she was perfect for him. He believed they were meant to be together. Maybe there was such a thing as destiny. Maybe 391

Catherine LAnigan dime was meaning in the stars. Michael wasnt a.philosophor, but he did know lus own mind and heart, and he wanted to spend the rest of his life with Susan. His kiss was as thrilling as ever, Susan thought as his tongue touched hers. But there was something else in his kiss this time. There was confidence. Michael didn't try to possess her or own her. She felt free. 11-ree to be herself. Free to make choices-important choices for both herself and Robbie. He had given her the gift of freedom, and she loved him. all the more for it. 392 Epilogue Susan Kidd was granted a divorce from James Kidd on February 15, 1997. In the divorce decree, Susan was given full stody of her son. No charges for the kidnapping of Robbie 'Kidd were brought against Susan in lieu of the evidence that James Kidd had been abusive, had stalked her for months, had intent to do bodily harm on the twenty-third of De- r in Houston. The testimony of Lieutenant Roberts was great importance in the judge's decision. The judge ordered that if James Kidd sought rehabilitation his alcohol addiction and showed the court proof of coun- ug, the judge would reconsider his visitation rights. On March 1, at the home of her parents and in front of all friends, Susan Kidd became engaged to Michael Barton. y announced an October wedding date. On May 15, James Kidd had completed twelve weeks of -,intensive counseling. He produced an affidavit to the court F'A@m his psychiatrist that he had abstained from alcohol for same period of time. The judge allowed James Kidd to 393

Catherine Lanigan visit his son, Robbie, but only in the presence of Susan Kidd and one other person of her choosing. On June 1, Jim shook Susan's hand and thanked her for changing his life. He told her about his childhood and how his mother had beaten him. He told her about the demons his therapist had routed out of him. He told her that giving up liquor was the hardest thing he'd ever done and that he'd never go back to it, God willing. He told her that he had loved her, but not enough. He told her that he was leaming how to love himself He told her he was glad God had put Susan in his path. Because of her Jim had found hope. 394 Reader, For over five years Becoming has been a story I have felt compelled to write. I have been fortunate enough to be involved in fund-raising for the Star of Hope Mission in Houston, Texas. I need not get ori my soapbox about abused women and children and their need to -get out of an abusive @:'situation. This book said it all. However, the Star of Hope Mission and places like it operate on charity donations. I am donating a portion of my royalties fixxm Beconung to the Star of Hope Mission. I dw* you for your purchase of this book on their behalf. In addition, for those of you who have read my stories in the past, you know that I always have a delicious recipe available to all my readers upon request. Because Susan and Robbie were from New Orleans, where I lived for three years and tame away with enough recipes to write my own cookbook, I am sharing my Cajun Barbeque Shrimp recipe 'with you. I have not given this recipe out for over twenty years! So be sure to write for this one! Send a stamped, self-addressed envelope to me at 5644 #110, Houston, TX 77056-4002. Again, along with my own personal appreciation, I also thank you on behalf of the Star of Hope Mission. Fondly, Catherine Lanigan

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