Asserting Yourself at Work
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Asserting Yourself at Work
Constance Zimmerman with Richard Luecke
Neither the writers nor the American Management Association guarantees the results of the information, guidelines, and techniques presented in this work. Copyright © 2010 American Management Association. All rights reserved. This material may not be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in whole or in part, in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without the prior written permission of the publisher. ISBN-10: 0-7612-1436-4 ISBN-13: 978-0-7612-1436-6 Printed in the United States of America. AMACOM Self Study Program http://www.amaselfstudy.org/ AMERICAN MANAGEMENT ASSOCIATION http://www.amanet.org 10
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Contents About This Course How to Take This Course Introduction Pre-Test
1 Assertiveness—What It Is and Why It Matters Assertiveness Defined
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The Assertive Mode Passivity Aggression
Assertiveness and the New Workplace Assertiveness as a Signaling Mechanism Assertiveness as a Learned Behavior
Recap Review Questions
2 Progress Begins with Self-Awareness Benchmarking Your Motivations Your Assertiveness Profile
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Your Score Interpreting Your Score
What Influences Your Assertiveness Mode? Childhood Experiences The Transference Trap Perfectionism The Role of Attitude Self-Esteem and Self-Confidence Recap Review Questions
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3 Building Your Assertiveness
Your Needs, Wants, Interests, Values, and Goals
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Needs Wants Interests Values
Your Goals
Short-Term Goals Intermediate Goals Long-Term Goals Legacy Goals
Speaking Up for What Matters to You at Work Engage in a Positive Internal Dialogue Verbally Communicate in Assertive Ways Use the Most Effective Communication Channel Practice Good Timing
Assertive Written Communication
Have a Clear Purpose Make Your Message Clear and Crisp Use the Most Effective and Appropriate Mode
Recap Review Questions
4 Assertive Nonverbal Communication The Power of Nonverbal Communication Six Dimensions of Nonverbal Communication
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Body Movement Body Contact Eye Contact Interpersonal Space Silence Paralanguage
Putting Together the Dimensions for Assertive Nonverbal Communication (ANC) Make Proper Use of Space Maintain a Professional Appearance Give a Firm Handshake Use Direct Eye Contact Use Good Posture Purposeful Gestures Control Your Facial Expressions Effective Vocal Delivery
A Nonverbal Communication Journal Align Your Verbal and Nonverbal Communication Recap Review Questions
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CONTENTS
5 Assertiveness Opportunities at Work Developing Positive Visibility at Work
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Action #1: Speak Up and Share Your Views Action #2: Participate Actively in Meetings Action #3: Disagree Agreeably Action #4: Be Your Own Best Champion Action #5: Handle Compliments with Grace Action #6: Look at Constructive Criticism as a Self-Improvement Opportunity Action #7: Create a Daily Assertiveness Plan
Take Responsibility for Your Performance at Work Take Credit for Your Successes Don’t Take Responsibility If It’s Not Yours
Recap Review Questions
6 Addressing the Needs and Interests of Others 103 Evaluating Your Listening Skills: A Self-Assessment Totaling Your Score Interpreting Your Score Moving Toward Assertive Listening
Three Levels of Listening
Level 1: Listening to Be Aware Level 2: Listening to Learn Level 3: Listening to Engage
Exploring the Needs and Interests of Others
Create a Safe Environment Ask Probing Questions Avoid Questions that Provoke a Defensive Response Reciprocate Be Proactive
Cultural Barriers to Communicating Needs and Interests Time and Trust Building Cultural Dimensions
Responding to the Needs and Interests of Others Think It Over Focus on the Issue, Not the Person Use Collaborative Language Expand the Options Find Common Ground Aim for Win-Win Win Graciously
Recap Review Questions
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7 Identifying and Maintaining Assertive Boundaries at Work
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Identifying Boundaries at Work
Boundaries of Respect Boundaries of Ethics Boundaries of Time Boundaries of Heath and Safety Boundaries of Discrimination and Sexual Harassment
Maintaining Assertive Boundaries at Work Say “No” Literally “No” in Other Words Say “No” Right Away to Sexual Harassment
Recap Review Questions
8 Assertiveness and Dealing with Difficult People
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Four Techniques for Dealing with Difficult People The Screaming Rant Defense The Broken Record Technique Fogging Negative Inquiry
Disarming the Workplace Bully Understand the Bully’s Goal Determine If You’re a Target Protect Your “Self ” Blow the Whistle Get Yourself Out of the Bull’s-eye
Recap Review Questions
9 From Assertiveness to Influence What Is Influence? The Role of Influence in the Workplace Three Building Blocks of Influence Self-Confidence Credibility Reciprocity
Recap Review Questions
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CONTENTS
Appendix: Your Assertiveness Checksheet Bibliography Recommended Resources Web Sites Glossary Post-Test Index
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About This Course
Asserting Yourself at Work provides business professionals with the communication tools and psychological foundation they need to perform more assertively on the job. Designed for front-line managers, supervisors, team leaders, team members, employees, and life-long learners, this course promotes the use of direct, inclusive communication as a powerful tool for achieving targeted goals and building lasting relationships. Asserting Yourself at Work teaches students the skills they need to behave and communicate more assertively—and therefore more effectively—in the workplace. Students learn to address their needs and interests at work, and, at the same time, consider the needs and interests of others. Beginning with the foundation of self-awareness, the course builds these skills step by step. Students learn about and practice assertive verbal and nonverbal communication techniques, learn how to set proper boundaries in workplace relationships, and analyze how assertiveness plays out in other cultures. The interactive format includes self-assessment tools, worksheets, sidebars, exercises, and quizzes that prompt students all along the way. Constance Zimmerman served as an adjunct professor with the Center for Management Communication at the Marshall School of Business at the University of Southern California. She was a nonfiction writer and producer of television, film, and corporate media, and the instructional designer of interactive training programs. She was a producer of the PBS telecourse, Introduction to Business Communication: Tools for Leadership, which won the 1998 Excellence in Distance Learning Teaching Award from the U.S. Distance Learning Association. She was also the lead instructional designer and cowriter of the telecourse’s student and faculty guides issues, and writer of CRM Film’s award-winning video Dealing with Conflict. Ms. Zimmerman wrote leader’s guides and training designs on a number of topics, including leadership, non-defensive communication, verbal communication, teamwork, and stress management. She earned M.F.A and B.A. degrees from the University of California, Los Angeles.
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Richard Luecke has been a freelance business writer since 1992. His books have been published by Oxford University Press, John Wiley & Sons, Harvard Business School Press, and AMACOM. In addition to self-study courses, he has developed many teaching cases for M.B.A. and executive education courses, and has collaborated with business school faculty, management consultants, and corporate executives on dozens of publications. Mr. Luecke earned an M.B.A. from the University of St. Thomas and a B.A. in History from Shimer College.
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How to Take This Course
This course consists of text material for you to read and three types of activities (the pre- and post-test, in-text exercises, and end-of-chapter review questions) for you to complete. These activities are designed to reinforce the concepts introduced in the text portion of the course and to enable you to evaluate your progress.
PRe- AND POST-TeSTS Both a pre-test and post-test are included in this course. Take the pre-test before you study any of the course material to determine your existing knowledge of the subject matter. Submit one of the scannable answer forms enclosed with this course for grading. On return of the graded pre-test, complete the course material. Take the post-test after you have completed all the course material. By comparing results of the pre-test and the post-test, you can measure how effective the course has been for you. To have your pre-test and post-test graded, please mail your answer forms to: educational Services American Management Association P.O. Box 133 Florida, NY 10921 All tests are reviewed thoroughly by our instructors and will be returned to you promptly. If you are viewing the course digitally, the scannable forms enclosed in the hard copy of AMA Self-Study titles are not available digitally. If you would like to take the course for credit, you will need to either purchase a hard copy of the course from www.amaselfstudy.org or you can purchase an online version of the course from www.flexstudy.com.
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THe TexT The most important component of this course is the text, where the concepts and methods are presented. Reading each chapter twice will increase the likelihood of your understanding the text fully. We recommend that you work on this course in a systematic way. Reading the text and working through the exercises at a regular and steady pace will help ensure that you get the most out of this course and retain what you have learned. In your first reading, concentrate on getting an overview of the chapter content. Read the learning objectives at the beginning of the chapter first. They will act as guidelines to the major topics of the chapter and identify the skills you should master as you study the text. As you read the chapter, pay attention to the headings and subheadings. Find the general theme of each section and see how that theme relates to others. Don’t let yourself get bogged down with details during the first reading; simply concentrate on understanding and remembering the major themes. In your second reading, look for the details that underlie the themes. Read the entire chapter carefully and methodically, underlining key points, working out the details of examples, and making marginal notes as you go. Complete the activities.
ACTIvITIeS Interspersed with the text of each chapter you will find a series of activities. These can take a variety of forms, including essays, short-answer quizzes, or charts and questionnaires. Completing the activities will enable you to try out new ideas, practice and improve new skills, and test your understanding of the course content.
THe RevIeW QueSTIONS After reading a chapter and before going on to the next chapter, work through the Review Questions. Answering the questions and comparing your answers to those given will help you to grasp the major ideas of that chapter. If you perform these self-check exercises consistently, you will develop a framework in which to place material presented in later chapters.
GRADING POLICY The American Management Association will continue to grade examinations and tests for one year after the course’s out-of-print date. If you have questions regarding the tests, the grading, or the course itself, call Educational Services at 1-800-225-3215 or send an e-mail to
[email protected].
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Introduction
Welcome to the American Management Association’s Self-Study course on Asserting Yourself at Work. Assertiveness is a form of behavior and communication that individuals can use to stand up for their needs and interests, their rights and values. It helps them to stand up to difficult people and stand out from others in positive ways. Equally important, assertiveness puts them in a position to exercise influence over their subordinates, peers, and bosses. This course will give you the skills you need to be more assertive. By following its step-by-step instruction, and completing its self-assessment tools, practical exercises, and review questions, you’ll learn to diagnose your current level of assertiveness, then strengthen it. Here’s what you’ll learn in the chapters that follow: Chapter
Key Learnings
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This chapter provides a working definition of assertiveness and contrasts it with two other modes of behavior and communication: passivity and aggression. The benefits of assertiveness for the individual and his or her organization are spelled out and contrasted to the problems associated with the other two modes.
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This chapter helps readers explore their goals and motivation for becoming more assertive and describe where they currently stand on the passiveassertive-aggressive continuum. The key influences in a person’s life that affect assertiveness are explained and illustrated.
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This chapter explores how to identify one’s needs, wants, interests, and values. These are examined in the context of short-, medium-, and long-term goals. The chapter introduces skills and strategies to develop assertive verbal and written communication.
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Chapter
Key Learnings
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This chapter focuses on the importance of assertive nonverbal communication. It explores the differences between passive, aggressive, and assertive nonverbal cues. The six key dimensions of assertive nonverbal communication (ANC) are introduced, with an explanation of how they can be combined to strengthen nonverbal communication. Strategies for aligning verbal and nonverbal communication are examined.
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This chapter examines strategies and actions for creating a positive and visible presence at work. Seven practical actions are listed, including one that involves creating a daily action plan. The importance of taking ownership, or responsibility, for one’s successes and failures at work is also addressed.
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This chapter explores the importance of listening in understanding the needs and interests of others in the workplace. It identifies the three levels of listening and examines techniques to explore others’ needs and interests. Multicultural barriers that may keep people from disclosing their needs, interests, and concerns are examined, as well as techniques for responding to them.
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This chapter defines assertive boundaries in the workplace. It examines boundaries related to respect, ethics, time, health and safety, and discrimination. Techniques for maintaining these boundaries are provided.
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This chapter defines four techniques for dealing with difficult or hostile people and strategies for implementation. Practical methods for dealing with workplace bullies are also explored.
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This chapter provides a definition of influence and explores how it works in organizations. The three building blocks of influences are examined, and a method for mapping the pattern of influence in your immediate workplace is provided.
Designed for frontline managers, supervisors, team members, and rankand-file employees, Asserting Yourself at Work promotes forms of behavior and communication that will help you be more successful and more satisfied in your working life.
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Pre-Test
Asserting Yourself at Work Course Code 97004 INSTRUCTIONS: Record your answers on one of the scannable forms enclosed. Please follow the directions on the form carefully. Be sure to keep a copy of the completed answer form for your records. No photocopies will be graded. When completed, mail your answer form to: educational Services American Management Association P.O. Box 133 Florida, NY 10921
If you are viewing the course digitally, the scannable forms enclosed in the hard copy of AMA Self-Study titles are not available digitally. If you would like to take the course for credit, you will need to either purchase a hard copy of the course from www.amaselfstudy.org or you can purchase an online version of the course from www.flexstudy.com.
1. Which of the following is representative of a person with an assertive mode of communicating and acting? (a) Defends his or her personal boundaries against infringement (b) Aims to dominate others (c) Submits to the desires of others (d) Avoids eye contact
Do you have questions? Comments? Need clarification? Call Educational Services at 1-800-225-3215 or e-mail at
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2. Research indicates that non-verbal elements of communication such as voice tone, facial expression, and posture account for ____________ percent of what a listener perceives. (a) 93 (b) 55 (c) 20 (d) 7
3. Voice tone, speaking rate, vocal inflection, volume, energy level, and fluency are all aspects of: (a) paralanguage. (b) aggressive communication. (c) a passive speaking style. (d) assertiveness.
4. For a high school freshman, becoming a medical doctor would be a: (a) short-term goal. (b) intermediate goal. (c) long-term goal. (d) legacy goal.
5. Active listening:
(a) aims to exert psychological control over the speaker. (b) involves detailed note-taking. (c) goes beyond passive absorption of information to active involvement in communication. (d) requires a superior/subordinate relationship between two parties.
6. Which of the following best describes the behavior or communication of a passive person? (a) Displays hostile facial expressions when challenged (b) Does not attempt to influence others (c) Will explain his or her viewpoint without coaxing (d) Is more thoughtful and observant than other people
7. A person can achieve positive visibility in an organization by: (a) learning to disagree agreeably. (b) tagging along with the boss whenever possible. (c) playing up his or her accomplishments. (d) avoiding conflict.
8. The boundary of time that must be assertively defended refers to a person’s right to: (a) a healthy balance between workplace and personal needs. (b) the efficient use of time spent at work. (c) time management principles. (d) reduce working hours as he or she approaches retirement.
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PRE-TEST
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9. The abstract ideals we adhere to, and for which we wish to be known are: (a) legacy goals. (b) needs. (c) values. (d) rights.
10. ________________, or the view that the glass is half full, gives us the courage and incentive we need to pursue what we want. (a) Deep-seated pessimism (b) Strategic thinking (c) Self-deception (d) Positive thinking
11. In a “high power distance culture,” subordinates are likely to tell their superiors: (a) exactly what’s on their minds. (b) what they think their superiors want to hear. (c) as much as they are asked to tell. (d) personal confidences that their superiors may not want to know.
12. Assertiveness:
(a) is a mode of behavior that people are born with, but which they cannot develop. (b) is only useful for people in supervisory or managerial positions. (c) must be suppressed when dealing with senior people in the organization. (d) can be developed through learning and practice.
13. To come across as an assertive communicator, you should: (a) avoid beginning your sentences with “I think . . . .” (b) give all the details, then state your key message. (c) always put it in writing. (d) apologize first for the problem.
14. In confronting unsafe or unhealthy workplace conditions,
assertive people: (a) whine to their bosses. (b) complain among themselves. (c) pose their concerns as problems that need to be solved. (d) look for the company’s point of view.
15. An assertive person will take credit for his or her accomplishments, but will also: (a) avoid actively taking responsibility for failures. (b) take responsibility for mistakes made by others. (c) remind people of his or her successes whenever possible. (d) acknowledge the contributions of others. © American Management Association. All rights reserved. http://www.amanet.org/
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16. In Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, ___________________ is a high-level need. (a) food (b) safety (c) shelter (d) self-esteem
17. ____________ have trouble accepting their own mistakes and the mistakes of others. (a) Pragmatists (b) Objectivists (c) Perfectionists (d) Career climbers
18. Which of the following countries has a collectivist culture? (a) United States (b) United kingdom (c) Canada (d) Japan
19. Constant criticism, diminishing or denying a person’s achievements, public humiliation, screaming, blaming, the silent treatment, and making threats (of job loss) are indicators of: (a) micromanagement. (b) excessive supervision. (c) bullying. (d) multitasking.
20. A situation in which aggressiveness may be appropriate behavior is: (a) giving feedback to a subordinate. (b) establishing a relationship with a new co-worker. (c) taking charge during an emergency. (d) enlisting collaboration within your team.
21. The greatest test of assertiveness is:
(a) aligning verbal and nonverbal messages. (b) dealing with hostile or difficult people. (c) moving from a passive to a passive-aggressive state. (d) scoring a job interview.
22. The building blocks of influence include: (a) cunning. (b) substantial formal power. (c) credibility and self-confidence. (d) a lofty goal.
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PRE-TEST
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23. A person who comes to meetings prepared and who participates actively is likely to create _________________________ in the organization. (a) charisma (b) conflict (c) enemies (d) positive visibility
24. An assertive technique for diffusing another person’s criticism of you is: (a) negative inquiry. (b) ranting. (c) becoming aggressive. (d) denial.
25. The ability to change the thinking or behavior of others without applying force, threats, or formal orders refers to: (a) assertiveness. (b) influence. (c) behavior modification. (d) motivation.
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Assertiveness—What it is and Why it Matters Learning Objectives By the end of this chapter, you should be able to:
• Define passivity, assertiveness, and aggres•
sion. Explain how organizations that depend on employee empowerment and team-based work benefit from assertive employees.
What do we mean by assertiveness? Why should it matter to you and to your organization? How does it different from other modes of behavior and communication? This chapter defines what is meant by assertiveness and how it contrasts with passive and aggressive modes, which can reduce a person’s workplace effectiveness and career success.
Assertiveness DefineD Assertiveness is a mode of personal behavior and communication characterized by a willingness to stand up for one’s needs and interests in an open and direct way. The assertive person stands up for things that matter to him or her while at the same time respecting the things that matter to others. You’ve probably known people who live this definition: the boss who is open to your ideas, but who reserves the right to make final decisions; the co-worker who isn’t afraid to speak up during meetings and to defend her viewpoints.
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the Assertive Mode People who function in the assertive mode look after their own needs and interests and recognize the needs and interests of others. They do this in the proper balance. Assertive people have a strong sense of self-esteem that allows them to protect their rights. They use open, direct, and honest communication with others. When they feel angry or upset, they confront the source of their anger immediately in an objective way. They make themselves visible in organizations and work collaboratively with others. They take responsibility for their decisions and behavior, and own up to their mistakes. They are calculated risk-takers. some assertive people were raised in affirmative, nurturing environments that provided role models for career success. others did not have the advantage of positive childhoods or role models. They chose to overcome obstacles and become assertive, seeing that mode of behavior and communication as the best way to operate and to reach their goals. Assertiveness is best understood in relation to two very different and opposing forms of personal behavior and communication: passivity and aggression.
Passivity Passivity is an unassertive condition characterized by submissiveness and a fear or unwillingness to stand up for one’s needs and interests. The passive person holds back from attempting to influence others, and instead allows others to influence him or her and disrespect his or her rights and boundaries. Because the passive person does not assert his or her views or argue on their behalf, his or her views are generally unclear or unknown to others, making dialogue and idea sharing difficult. People who function in the passive (or non-assertive) mode often address the needs and concerns of others before they address their own. They will be quick to apologize, sometimes for things they didn’t do. They’re inclined to be quiet, soft-spoken, and even timid. They prefer to be invisible, rather than visible in organizations. They find it difficult to speak up in meetings or speak out about things that upset them. They have trouble accepting compliments. rather than confronting a person or situation directly, they will hold their feelings inside or complain about the problem to someone else. When they feel angry, they’re apt to suppress it. Passive people find it hard to stand up for their rights and may allow people to violate their boundaries. These individuals may come from nurturing cultures that foster personal relationships over individual achievement. They may have spent their formative years in collectivist rather than in competitive situations. in general, more women than men are non-assertive, but that’s been changing as women take on higher positions in the workplace—and new generations of women graduate from professional education programs. What does a passive person sound like? Consider this example: rachel was given a project i deserved to get. i have more experience and, i believe, am better qualified. i even suggested ideas on how to get the project going. now rachel will use my ideas and AMACOM Self Study Program http://www.amaselfstudy.org/
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get the credit. i’ll admit, she lobbied Mr. Cullen pretty hard for the assignment. i didn’t. i just didn’t feel comfortable promoting myself like that. Are you a passive person at work—either out of disinterest, fear, or lack of confidence? Do you know others who demonstrate the characteristics of passivity: a colleague who seldom speaks up during meetings or when decisions that affect him are being made; a subordinate who is reluctant to share her ideas with you?
Aggression As a form of personal behavior or communication, aggression is the opposite of passivity. The aggressive person has no reluctance in imposing his or her views on others, or harming their interests in the pursuit of his or her own. rather than collaborate with others, the aggressive person prefers to dominate, using threats, organizational authority, or bullying when necessary. He or she tends to micromanage the work of subordinates; things must be done his or her way. This person resists the influence of those seen as less powerful. in many cases, the aggressive person is unaware of his or her effect on others—this person thinks that he or she is simply being assertive. Consider this example: i just got a 360-degree performance review from my staff, boss, and peers. They said that i seem obsessed with micromanaging the department. My direct reports claim they have little input into decisions and that i look for someone to blame when things go wrong. They claim that i use my power to belittle them. someone even used the word “toxic” to describe me. Toxic! Where did that come from? i don’t see myself that way. i push my staff to perform at a peak level, as any good manager would. Even so, our numbers have been down for the last two quarters. My boss thinks there’s a link between my style and those disappointing results. People who function in the aggressive mode look after their own needs and interests first. The needs and interests of others are always secondary. reminiscent of the old soviet line that “What’s mine is mine, what’s yours is negotiable,” they stand up for their rights, but often at the expense of others. Aggressive people have little trouble accepting compliments and may take credit for other peoples’ work. They’re often loud and visible in organizations. They have difficulty controlling their anger and may humiliate others in public. They violate other people’s boundaries. indirect forms of aggression, such as sarcasm, are used to put down or control others. some aggressive people come from achieving cultures that value individual success more than personal relationships. They may have spent their formative years in competitive rather than in nurturing social structures. in general, more men than women are aggressive, although that’s changing, especially in highly competitive fields. © American Management Association. All rights reserved. http://www.amanet.org/
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A Mixed Mode: Passive-Aggressive Behavior A subset of the passive mode is worth mentioning here—passive-aggressive behavior. As we’ve discussed, people who are passive often have trouble confronting situations that upset them in open and direct ways. instead, they are inclined to stifle their anger, and then complain about the person or situation to someone else—or unleash their anger down the road at someone who had nothing to do with the problem. in short, people who behave in a passive-aggressive way are passive when a troubling situation arises, but aggressive in venting their anger. The attributes of passivity, assertiveness, and aggression are summarized in Exhibit 1-1. You can probably see the superiority of the assertive mode of behavior and communication over passivity and aggression—both from a personal career and organizational effectiveness perspective. By being open to influence, assertive people are able to influence others in return. By defending their views and rights from infringement, assertive people maintain their position.
xhibit 1-1 The Passive-Assertive-Aggressive Continuum
Passivity
Assertiveness
Aggression
• Does not stand up for his/her interests and viewpoints, but submits to those of others • Does not share his/her views on what’s important • Allows others to disrespect his/her opinions and rights • Does not try to influence others • Demonstrates a lack of confidence in dealing with more assertive people • More inclined to react than to act
• Speaks his/her mind • Makes his/her agenda clear • Not afraid to attempt to influence others • Respects the views and rights of others • Defends his/her views, rights, and boundaries against infringement • Controls anger • Uses aggressive behavior defensively • Is open to influence even as he/she seeks to influence others
• Aims for dominance over others • Imposes his/her views on others • Does not respect views or boundaries of others • Resistant to influence by others • May lose control of his/her anger • Uses threats to get his/her way • Is “in your face” • Aims to be highly visible
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Aggressive co-workers recognize that assertive people must be taken seriously and approached with respect. When assertive people speak their mind on issues that matter to them and to the organization, they contribute to important decisions—thereby shaping the organization and influencing its direction. Higher management, peers, and subordinates alike see assertive individuals as people to be reckoned with—people with something to contribute. This often translates into greater career opportunities. in contrast, passive people are like leaves floating in a stream, drawn along by the current, but making no impact on the direction or speed of the flow. They will have few opportunities for advancement. Aggressive people, on the other hand, may create problems for the organization and for those around them. While aggression may get them what they want in many cases, their behavior will prove costly in the long run. Co-workers whose views and insights are not respected will stop offering help. Peers whose rights are infringed will become enemies and may actively undermine the aggressors. When office bullies make serious mistakes or get into tough situations, no one wants to come to their aid.
Assertiveness AnD the neW WorkPlAce The typical workplace has been transformed—from a very controlled and stratified environment to one that is more open and dependent on the initiative of employees at all levels. This new workplace benefits from employee assertiveness. until a few decades ago, most organizations followed a command-andcontrol model in which information about customers and operations flowed upward through the chain of command to the top. Workers communicated with their supervisors. Those supervisors decided what information was relevant to pass up to the next level, and so on. Based on that information, decisions were made at the top level and then communicated downward through the same chain of command. The people at or near the top did all the thinking, deciding, and ordering; the people below followed their orders. That command-and-control form of management has largely given way to a new world of employee empowerment and team-based work, both of which depend on the initiative and collaboration of employees at all levels. Employee empowerment refers to a management style that gives subordinates substantial discretion in how they accomplish their objectives. Managers explain what needs to be done, but leave it up to subordinates to find the best way to do it. These same managers look to their employees—who are much closer to the action—for the ideas and data on which their decisions will be made. Empowered employees are also given greater authority over company resources. for example, an employee who deals directly with customers may be authorized—without first checking with his or her boss—to give rebates, discounts, refunds, or other services in order to resolve problems or correct errors. research suggests that empowerment contributes to greater employee motivation, productivity, and workplace satisfaction. © American Management Association. All rights reserved. http://www.amanet.org/
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Team-based work is work performed in a coordinated manner by a set of employees, often individuals with very different skills. Many important customer accounts are now handled by teams that include, for example, a salesperson, a technical support specialist, and a customer service representative. These team members share information and ideas, and work together to get and keep the account. likewise, new products are often developed by crossfunctional teams that include engineers, marketing and manufacturing personnel, and financial specialists. Passivity and aggression are destructive of both employee empowerment and team-based work. Employee empowerment depends on people taking charge and speaking up; assertiveness on behalf of operational improvement is required. And because empowered employees are held responsible for results, they must have the confidence and backbone to protect their ability to think and act. Teams also depend upon their success on the assertiveness of their members. Even when there is a formal leader, team members must have the confidence to share ideas and information, and make a strong case for new and better ways of doing the work. When team decisions are made, each member’s voice matters. An aggressive, self-aggrandizing individual is toxic to a smoothly functioning team. There’s no room for a person with a “drill sergeant” personality. likewise, a passive team member is unlikely to contribute as much as he or she should.
Think About It . . . Do you work in a team-based workplace? If you do, reflect for a moment on the behaviors and communication styles of both you and your teammates. Would any fit our description of passivity? If they do, briefly describe the impact of that passivity on the effective functioning of your team.
Does anyone on your team display aggressive behavior? Describe how that behavior affects the work of your team and its operational results.
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Assertiveness as a signaling Mechanism The new workplace depends on people being able to articulate their concerns and respond appropriately to others. Do you communicate with an appropriate level of assertiveness? Assertiveness has a situational component because we view some things as more important than others. We’re naturally more willing to speak up for some things than for others; we let go of things that aren’t worth the effort so that we can commit our full energy to those that are. in this sense, assertive communication sends a signal about what we value and consider important. for example, you may not care where your company holds its annual holiday party, but you do care about the company’s formula for determining its annual bonus. or perhaps it’s the other way around. You may care greatly about the former because a more elaborate affair sends a message about how much the company values you and your team. in any event, you’re the only one who has the right to decide these things. Being assertive on issues like these lets other people know where you stand and what you view as important. A passive person who never stands up or speaks out also sends a signal to others—often the wrong one: “Whatever you decide is okay with me,” or “i don’t care one way or the other.” What signals do these statements send?
Assertiveness as learned Behavior Are you passive in your communications at work and frustrated by how it’s holding you back? Do you have an habitually aggressive approach to dealing with others—an approach you’d like to change? if you answered “yes” to either question, there’s good news. it’s possible to change. You can learn to be assertive— whatever your experiences and emotional makeup—and no matter how anxious you might feel about giving it a try. You can change patterns of behavior that prevent you from becoming the assertive person you want to be. it’s similar to the question, “Are leaders made or born?” some people have natural leadership skills, while others must work to acquire those skills through learning and practice. And so it will be with your quest to become more assertive. The knowledge you gain in this course, combined with regular practice, will make assertive behavior and communication second nature to you. The first step toward that goal is self-understanding, the subject of the next chapter.
Exercise 1-1 Identify the Mode Read the following scenario, then answer the questions. The monthly sales meeting followed its usual pattern. Rolf, the district sales manager, chaired the meeting from his seat at the head of the conference table. He glared at his subordinates over the rim of his glasses and said, “Well, you have last month’s results in front of you. They’re pathetic.” Then raising his voice, he yelled, “They stink!” Except for Ellen, the five salespeople at the table and Rolf’s secretary all avoided eye contact with their boss. They found it safer to look down at the report in front of them. Unlike Rolf, the report wouldn’t bite them. Exercise 1-1 continues on next page. © American Management Association. All rights reserved. http://www.amanet.org/
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Exercise 1-1 continued from previous page. Then Ellen spoke up. “Yes, we’ve had a bad month overall,” she said directly to Rolf. Then diverting her gaze in turn to each of the others, she continued. “Each of us can certainly do better. And we have a number of opportunities to do so. Let me list them briefly, starting with the Acme account, where an order decision is pending.” Ellen’s confidence in speaking about several opportunities to bring in sales relieved some of the tension and fear that Rolf had cast over the group. Nevertheless, the others remained silent, speaking only to answer questions put to them directly by Rolf or Ellen. When the meeting ended, Ellen stayed behind to talk with Rolf; the rest quickly exited the conference room and scurried back to their cubicles. Later that day, Jim and Suzanne, two of Rolf’s sales people, encountered each other in the coffee room. “That meeting was appalling. Rolf is such a jerk,” Jim opined. “If I didn’t need the commission income so badly, I’d let my sales go to pot next month just to make him look bad as sales manager. If we all did that, do you think they’d fire him?” This was dangerous talk. Suzanne finished pouring her coffee and quickly left the room. 1. Which of the characters in this scenario would you describe as aggressive? Explain.
2. Which character demonstrated assertive behavior and communication? Explain.
3. Which character displayed passive-aggressive behavior? Explain.
4. What passive behavior did you see in the scenario?
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Assertiveness is a mode of personal behavior and communication characterized by a willingness to stand up for one’s needs, concerns, and interests in an open and direct way. Assertiveness stands in contrast with two other modes: passivity recap and aggression. Passivity is an unassertive condition characterized by submissiveness, and a fear or unwillingness to stand up for one’s needs and interests. The passive person holds back from attempting to influence others, and instead allows others to influence him or her and disrespect his or her rights and boundaries. on the opposite end of the behavior continuum is aggression. The aggressive person has no reluctance in imposing his or her views on others, or harming their interests in the pursuit of his or her own. This person prefers to dominate others than to collaborate with them. Threats, micromanaging, and bullying are used to get his or her way. Because the assertive mode of behavior and communication is more compatible with workplaces that embrace employee empowerment and teambased work, it has career and organizational benefits that passivity and aggression lack. Assertiveness also acts as a signaling mechanism, telling others what the assertive person considers important. A person’s natural mode of behavior and communication may be a product of his or her upbringing. However, that natural mode can be changed through learning and practice.
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Review Questions INSTRUCTIONS: Here is the first set of review questions in this course. Answering the questions following each chapter will give you a chance to check your comprehension of the concepts as they are presented and will reinforce your understanding of them. As you can see below, the answer to each numbered question is printed to the side of the question. Before beginning, you should conceal the answers by placing a sheet of paper over the answers as you work down the page. Then read and answer each question. Compare your answers with those given. For any questions you answer incorrectly, make an effort to understand why the answer given is the correct one. You may find it helpful to turn back to the appropriate section of the chapter and review the material of which you were unsure. At any rate, be sure you understand all the review questions before going on to the next chapter.
1. Assertiveness can be a ________________ for letting other people
1. (a)
2. A person’s behavior and communication mode:
2. (c)
3. Which of the following types of workplaces depends on employee
3. (d)
4. You are in the aggressive mode if you:
4. (b)
5. Being assertive means:
5. (b)
know what you think is important. (a) signaling mechanism (b) subterfuge (c) proxy (d) trailing indicator
(a) is an unalterable consequence of socialization. (b) is unrelated to upbringing and experience. (c) can be changed through learning and practice. (d) has no career consequences. assertiveness for success? (a) A hierarchical workplace (b) A command-and-control workplace (c) A stratified workplace (d) A team-based workplace
(a) listen to others and smooth things over to keep the peace. (b) aim to dominate others. (c) are quick to admit your mistakes. (d) give balanced compliments and constructive criticism.
(a) putting other people’s needs and interests first. (b) standing up for one’s needs and interests in open and direct ways. (c) always playing to win, no matter what the cost. (d) combining features of both the passive and aggressive modes.
Do you have questions? Comments? Need clarification? Call Educational Services at 1-800-225-3215 or e-mail at
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Progress Begins with self-awareness Learning Objectives By the end of this chapter, you should be able to:
• Articulate • • • •
your goals and motivations for being more assertive. Describe where you now stand on the passive-assertive-aggressive continuum. List key influences in your life that affect your assertiveness. Describe the roles of childhood experiences, transference, and perfectionism in shaping your assertiveness profile. Describe the roles of attitude, self-esteem, and self-confidence in shaping your assertiveness profile.
The previous chapter defined assertiveness and identified its value to your career and to the organization you work for. Here we shift the focus from the subject of assertiveness to you, the reader. We aim to help you understand your motivation for becoming more assertive and, through a self-test, provide a way to measure where you are now on the passive-assertive-aggressive continuum. Once you know where you stand, we will go further, probing the life influences that have contributed to your current mode of behavior and communication. The fact of recognizing these influences will help you control them.
Benchmarking Your motivations Before we get to your assertiveness profile, let’s address your motivations. What situations or concerns brought you to thinking of taking this course? © American Management Association. All rights reserved. http://www.amanet.org/
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Were you tired of being a doormat for more aggressive people at work? if you’re an aggressive type, perhaps you wanted to “tone it down” after years of alienating people with your impulse to always get the upper hand. Perhaps you lost your job or the raise you wanted, or you were passed over for promotion. Perhaps your subordinates cower when they see you or break down when you reprimand them—or even worse, shut down altogether. Perhaps your boss, a colleague, or a loved one suggested you sign up for assertiveness training. Whatever your motivation, take the time right now to think about it and your situation. Write down your answers to the questions in exercise 2-1. Answer each question honestly and fully. use a separate sheet of paper if you need more space. keep the worksheet handy so that you can mark your progress as you move through this course.
Exercise 2-1 Your Goals and Motivations Answer each of the following questions about your goals and motivations. 1.What situation or event prompted you to seek assertiveness training?
2. What do you expect to change or accomplish as a result of this course?
Exercise 2-1 continues on next page.
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Exercise 2-1 continued from previous page. 3. How do you visualize yourself once you have achieved your desired results?
How did you answer the questions in exercise 2-1? Perhaps losing a promotion or important assignment to a more assertive co-worker is your motivation for taking this course. Perhaps you anticipate a brighter career future by becoming less aggressive and more assertive. Can you visualize yourself managing people during difficult situations in ways that are respectful yet firm? Whatever your responses, take a moment to process them and think deeply about your style of behavior and communication, and how both could be changed to make you more effective at work.
Your assertiveness Profile The first step toward becoming assertive is to abide by that wise command to “know thyself.” self-awareness is the foundation of self-improvement. To succeed in your quest to gain a more assertive attitude and behavior, you need a clear idea of who you are, how you got to be what you are, and how you perceive the world. While there are no easy answers to these questions, you may experience some “aha” moments from time to time—revelations and insights that spark your imagination and truly change your way of thinking. Yet, keep in mind that many people spend years of soul-searching with professional counselors in an effort to understand their inner selves and their outward actions. Your quest for self-awareness may continue long after you complete this course. We encourage you to make it a lifelong journey. The previous chapter identified a continuum of behaviors and communication, ranging from passivity on one end, with aggression on the other, and assertiveness in the center. Before we go further, let’s take stock of where you currently stand on that continuum. is your natural inclination to be passive, assertive, or aggressive? The self-assessment exercise presented in exercise 2-2 will help you answer that question. As you complete the exercise, be as honest as you can. You will total and evaluate your score later.
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Exercise 2-2 Your Assertiveness Profile Read each statement carefully. Fill in the most appropriate answer according to the way you typically behave in your work or office environment. Rarely Sometimes Most of (or Never) the Time 1. When someone says something that upsets me, hold my feelings in or complain about it later to others.
_____
_____
_____
2. When I’m angry, I fly off the handle.
_____
_____
_____
3. I stand up for my needs and interests at work and acknowledge the needs and interests of others.
_____
_____
_____
4. It’s a competitive world, so I strive to get mine while I can.
_____
_____
_____
5. I take calculated risks and view my mistakes as a learning experience.
_____
_____
_____
6. I smooth things over to keep the peace.
_____
_____
_____
7. When someone says something that upsets me, I inform him or her of my feelings right away.
_____
_____
_____
8. When I criticize someone, I start with the word “you,” as in, “You never come to meetings on time.”
_____
_____
_____
9. I replay upsetting conversations or situations over and over in my mind.
_____
_____
_____
10. When a subordinate or co-worker expresses dissent, I view it as a challenge to my authority.
_____
_____
_____
11. I take responsibility for my decisions and actions at work without blaming others.
_____
_____
_____
12. When someone compliments me, I brush it off.
_____
_____
_____
13. I don’t admit my mistakes to others.
_____
_____
_____
14. I’m reluctant to give negative feedback to my teammates, subordinates, or boss.
_____
_____
_____
15. My subordinates and co-workers appear to be afraid of me.
_____
_____
_____
16. I give advice to others when they haven’t asked for it.
_____
_____
_____
17. When someone compliments me, I accept it and say, “Thank you.”
_____
_____
_____
18. I find it difficult to ask for feedback on my job performance.
_____
_____
_____
19. In meetings, I express my ideas and listen carefully to the ideas of others.
_____
_____
_____
20. I hesitate to take risks on my job.
_____
_____
_____
21. I put my needs and interests before the needs and interests of others.
_____
_____
_____
22. I welcome constructive criticism and use it to improve my job performance.
_____
_____
_____
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Exercise 2-2 continued from previous page. Rarely Sometimes Most of (or Never) the Time
23. When someone strongly opposes my viewpoint, I back down.
_____
_____
_____
24. When someone says something that upsets me, I respond with sarcasm or a put-down.
_____
_____
_____
25. I respect the opinions of others, even when they disagree with me.
_____
_____
_____
26. In meetings, I keep my ideas to myself.
_____
_____
_____
27. When I do something that hurts someone else, I acknowledge it and apologize, then move on without dwelling on it.
_____
_____
_____
28. I feel uncomfortable expressing disagreement with my boss or other authority figures.
_____
_____
_____
29. If someone shouts at me during a disagreement, I shout back.
_____
_____
_____
30. I focus on objective behavior when giving negative feedback.
_____
_____
_____
Your score now that you’ve completed exercise 2-2, you’re ready to identify your assertiveness profile at work. You may have gotten a sense of that profile as you completed the exercise. But you’ll only know for sure by tallying your score. Are you a little nervous about this? if you are, just bite the bullet and follow the instructions below. first, give yourself 10 points for each “Most of the Time” you marked. Award 5 points for each “sometimes”; and give yourself a 0 for each “rarely (or never).” next, total your score as follows: (a) Add up your points for statements # 1, 6, 9, 12, 14, 18, 20, 23, 26, and 28. These represent the passive mode. Your highest possible total score is 100. record your passive score here: ______ (b) Add up your points for statements # 2, 4, 8, 10, 13, 15, 16, 21, 24, and 29. These represent the aggressive mode. Your highest possible score is 100. record your aggressive score here: ______ (c) now add your points for statements # 3, 5, 7, 11, 17, 19, 22, 25, 27, and 30. These represent the assertive mode. Your highest possible total is 100. record your assertive score here: ______ © American Management Association. All rights reserved. http://www.amanet.org/
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interpreting Your score use the following table to interpret your score, beginning with the passive mode. Mode Passive
Points 90-100
Extremely high passive
80-89
Highly passive
70-79
Moderately high passive
55-69
Moderately passive
40-54
Low-moderate passive
Less than 40 Aggressive
Mildly passive
90-100
Extremely high aggressive
80-89
Highly aggressive
70-79
Moderately high aggressive
55-69
Moderately aggressive
40-54
Low-moderate aggressive
Less than 40 Assertive
Profile
Mildly aggressive
90-100
Extremely high assertive
80-89
Highly assertive
70-79
Moderately high assertive
55-69
Moderately assertive
40-54
Low-moderate assertive
Less than 40
Mildly assertive
How did you score? if you scored in the high range for the passive mode or the aggressive mode, look at the statements you marked “Most of the Time” and “sometimes.” These describe behaviors and attitudes you need to change or avoid if you want to be more assertive. next, study the statements that indicate the assertive mode (# 3, 5, 7, 11, 17, 19, 22, 25, 27, and 30). These describe behaviors and attitudes you should actively develop into habits. if you scored in the high range for the assertive mode (80 or higher), you already have excellent assertiveness skills in many areas. You may want to use this course to enhance those skills, which include verbal, nonverbal, and multicultural assertiveness. if you scored 70 or less for the assertive mode, look at statements you marked “sometimes” or “rarely.” These represent opportunities for improvement. AMACOM Self Study Program http://www.amaselfstudy.org/
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Think About It . . . Now that you’ve determined you own assertiveness profile, think about the profiles of at least three of your subordinates. How do you think they would score (moderately assertive, mildly passive, aggressive) on the same self-assessment test? Write in their names and your best guess at their profiles below. 1. _______________________
______________________________________________
2. _______________________
______________________________________________
3. _______________________
______________________________________________
If you understand their profiles, you will be in a better position to give them feedback, manage disagreements, select team members for projects, and so forth.
match Your mode to the situation Although assertiveness is the best all-around mode for workplace effectiveness, there are times when it may make sense to adopt either a passive (non-assertive) or aggressive mode. for example, your co-worker has a sick child and needs to take the next day off. You had planned to be out of the office that day on client calls, but respect that person’s need to be home and provide care. You reschedule your appointments and tell your coworker not to worry about taking the day off. in moving from assertive to non-assertive mode, you’ve put your co-worker’s needs before your own because you care about your long-term relationship with that employee. Aggressiveness is also appropriate sometimes—for example, during an emergency. Let’s say that an employee has fallen down the stairs. He may have broken bones, had a concussion, or suffered heart failure. no one knows his condition and several people rush to his aid, but clearly they don’t know what they’re doing. Because you’ve had extensive first aid training and experience, you push them aside and aggressively take control, shouting orders as you tend to the injured person: “Bill, call 9-11 and get an ambulance here right away. sally, run to the closet and bring two heavy coats; we don’t want him going into shock.” Moving from the assertive to the aggressive mode makes perfect sense in this case. Other people will usually welcome your aggressive “take charge” action in an emergency. Aggressive behavior may also be appropriate when someone is aggressively trying to violate your sense self-respect or clear rights. We’ll have more on this in Chapter 8, which explains how to handle difficult people and the office “bully.”
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What influences Your assertiveness mode? now that you’ve identified your propensity for being passive, assertive, or aggressive, it’s time to consider the influences that have nudged you toward that particular mode of behavior. if you’re a passive or aggressive type and want to change, you may be asking yourself, “What made me this way?” The self-understanding that comes from answering that question will help you alter both your behavior and your communication mode to one that is more effective. People are products of both genetics and experiences: nature and nurture. genes determine our gender, race, body type, intelligence, propensity for certain diseases, eye color, and other traits. some talents may be inherited as well. genetic inheritance may also influence our personalities and behaviors—although the extent of that influence is a matter for debate. We are also products of our experiences—family and cultural settings, life-shaping events, interactions with others, and so forth. Whether nature or nurture is stronger in forming our personalities, character, and behavior is a subject of disagreement and is clearly beyond the scope of this course. However, in becoming more selfaware, it’s helpful to look at the traits we’ve inherited and how these influence our lives. exercise 2-3 on page 19 gives you an opportunity to do that. no one will assess these genetic influences in the same way. One person who writes “female” in the gender row may identify this trait as a source of positive feeling, explaining that her mother was a positive role model who overcame many career obstacles as a physicist, and became a stronger person in the process. in her view, being female has added to her self-confidence. Another woman with a different set of experiences may mark the female trait as a negative. in contrast to genetic traits, other influencers of our lives, such as socioeconomic status, language, education, religion, and lifestyle stem from our culture and environment. if you’re an African-American male from the Midwest born into a family of medical doctors, you will have had different experiences and opportunities than a white female born into a family of Appalachian coal miners. if you’re the child of an alcoholic parent, you’ll most likely have a different outlook on life than you would if you had parents who were moderate drinkers. We’re dealt different hands in life. nevertheless, we can play those hands more effectively if we understand the environmental and cultural influencers in our lives. exercise 2-4 on page 20 give you an opportunity to note and think about those influencers. As with the previous exercise relating to inherited traits, each respondent’s profile and comments are bound to be unique. for example, a bilingual person whose dominant culture is Hispanic (and is living in the united states) may report positive feelings toward this cultural background, and believe that it adds to her self-confidence. Another person from the same cultural background may report the opposite, saying that living between the two cultures (Hispanic and Anglo) has been confusing and has detracted from his self-confidence and self-esteem. How did you respond to these cultural/environmental traits? Has completing the exercise stimulated your thinking about how your background has shaped your position on the passive-assertive-aggressive continuum? AMACOM Self Study Program http://www.amaselfstudy.org/
Exercise 2-3 Identifying Life Influencers: Genetic Traits Fill in the genetic traits below. Then, evaluate your feelings about each one. Do you have positive, negative, or ambivalent feelings about these? Do you believe that these traits add to or detract from your self-confidence and self-esteem? Why?
Description
Positive Feelings (Yes or No)
Negative Feelings (Yes or No)
Ambivalent Feelings (Yes or No)
Why?
Affects Self-confidence/ Esteem (Yes or No)
Intelligence Talent #1 Talent #2 Gender Race Height Body Type Health (Inherited) Voice
19
Other
PrOgress Begins WiTH seLf-AWAreness
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Trait
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Exercise 2-4 Identifying Your Life Influencers: Cultural and Environmental Factors
Cultural/ Environmental Factors Birthplace/other places of residence (such as urban, rural) AMACOM Self Study Program http://www.amaselfstudy.org/
Dominant culture (such as Latino, Celtic, Asian) Language(s) Religion Education Socio-economic status (such as upper middle class) Occupation (such as blue-collar, professional) Family structure and size (such as nuclear, extended, one-parent) Marital status Lifestyle (such as family, social, professional, spiritual)
Description
Positive Feelings Negative Feelings Ambivalent (Yes or No) (Yes or No) Feelings (Yes or No)
Why?
Affects Self-confidence/ Esteem (Yes or No)
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Fill in the factors below. Then, evaluate your feelings about each. Do you have positive, negative, or mixed feelings about these? Do you believe that they add to detract from your self-confidence and self-esteem? Why? (Note: Some influencers, such as sexual orientation, have a profound impact on our lives. Yet, whether they derive from genetic or environmental factors is uncertain. To explore these influencers, use an “Other” category in Exercise 2-3 or 2-4, or both. There are no right or wrong choices here.)
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childhood exPeriences The process of learning how to live and interact within one’s culture and family structure is called socialization. it’s a process that continues as events and experiences shape our lives. We’re at our most impressionable stage, however, during early childhood, within the boundaries of our homes and immediate families. The care we receive is all that we know; we lack any comparison with which to evaluate it and determine whether it’s good, bad, or in between. By the time we move beyond our backyards and have other experiences, many of our attitudes, behavior patterns, and perceptions have been formed. Major events in early life profoundly shape adult attitudes and behavior. Therefore, evaluating those events adds another layer of understanding in our quest for self-knowledge (see exercise 2-5).
Exercise 2-5 Identifying Life Influencers: Key Milestones of Childhood 1.Use this exercise to identify four key milestones of your childhood, both positive and negative. 2.Number the milestones in order of the most influential (1 is highest) to the least influential. 3.Describe the insights this exploration reveals to you. Positive Milestones
Rank Negative Milestones
Milestone 1:
Milestone 1:
Milestone 2:
Milestone 2:
Milestone 3:
Milestone 3:
Milestone 4:
Milestone 4:
Rank
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Exercise 2-5 continued from previous page. Each person’s milestones will be unique. Consider this abbreviated example of Exercise 2-5 below. Positive Milestones
Rank Negative Milestones
Milestone 1:
3
First plane flight. Trip to Disney World with Grandpa and Mom. (I was 6.) One of the happiest times of my life. Milestone 2:
3
Kindergarten teacher punished me for something I didn’t do. Made me stand in the corner and kept me in at recess. I felt humiliated. 5
Second piano recital when I was 8. Won award.
Milestone 1:
Rank
Milestone 2:
5
First piano recital when I was 7. Froze and ran from the stage.
The positive and negative milestones of this person’s early childhood— successes, failures, and relationships—no doubt had an influence on her later approach to people and risk-taking. What about yours? it’s important to explore the type of the care we received as children; whether it was mostly positive or negative, or whether we appreciate, resent, or have mixed feelings about it, this care incorporates the behavioral and communication styles we often model in our adult relationships, to include those at work. After all, that’s what we know. even people who deplore the way they were treated as children, and who vow never to treat anyone else that way, often do because they follow the model to which they were expected to conform. Besides parents and other family members, authority figures such as teachers, spiritual leaders, coaches, and mentors also impact our world view. When we explore their influence in our lives, we may find behavioral patterns, communication styles, beliefs, and emotional responses that we’ve adopted as our own—sometimes to our benefit and sometimes not (see exercise 2-6).
Exercise 2-6 Identifying Your Life Influencers: Behavioral Models In the spaces below, list adjectives that describe the behavioral styles of the primary behavioral models in your life. Were they affirming, controlling, loving, consistent, attentive, instructional, critical, punitive, inconsistent, encouraging, inspiring, autocratic, judgmental, forgiving, doting, tyrannical, sacrificing, positive, negative, etc.? List as many adjectives as apply, including ones not listed here. Once you’ve done that, describe your reaction and insights. Exercise 2-6 continues on next page. AMACOM Self Study Program http://www.amaselfstudy.org/
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Exercise 2-6 continued from previous page. Finally, write down the adjectives that best describe your behavioral style. What connection(s) do you see between that style and the styles of your behavioral models? (a) My mother’s behavioral style:
(b) My father’s behavioral style:
(c) My caregiver’s behavioral style (if applicable):
(d) Other key role model’s behavioral style (identify role and describe):
(e) Other key role model’s behavioral style (identify role and describe):
(f) Reaction/Insights:
(g) My behavioral style:
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are you puzzled by what to write in the final two sections of exercise 2-6? here are the responses of one person. reaction/insights:
My role models tilt toward controlling, unaffirming, and negative. Mother was loving and affirming, but timid. She did not stand up for herself with Dad and Uncle Ed—or for me and my brother and sister. Mr. Babson, our middle-school science teacher, helped me gain some confidence, even though girls weren’t encouraged to excel in science or math. My behavioral style:
Controlling, timid, negative, honest, caring, demanding of myself and others. I see a connection between my timidity and my mother’s timidity and between my father’s and uncle’s controlling and demanding behavior. the transference traP understanding our influencers helps us recognize the degree to which we carry childhood perceptions of the world into our adult lives. As we’ve discussed, a person’s interactions are limited primarily to caregivers and the surrounding community of relatives, teachers, and neighbors during our formative years. We absorb—and usually adopt—their values and beliefs and ways of interacting with others. Our behaviors and methods of communication with others are often formed during those early years. As we grow up, our acceptance by others often depends on how well we adhere to their values and standards. These values and standards form our ability to “fit in” with society and get along as adults. eventually, we meet, read about, become aware of, or work with people from other backgrounds and cultures. if we assume that our values, beliefs, and standards are superior, or if we judge their behaviors based on our standards, we’re engaging in what anthropologists call ethnocentric thinking. We’re “transferring” our values and standards to them. And when these people don’t measure up in terms of our values or standards, we assume that “there’s something wrong with these people.” Transference is the root of the bias and prejudice that tears at relationships—between individuals, groups, and nations—and is the root of the “i’m better than you” attitude. When we are assertive, we stand up for our values and standards while respecting the values and standards of others. That last part, “respecting the values and standards of others,” is often forgotten. in his book, The Road Less Traveled, M. scott Peck writes about transference from the psychiatric point of view, which he defines as “that set of ways of perceiving and responding to the world which is developed in childhood and which is usually entirely appropriate to the childhood environment . . . but which is inappropriately transferred into the adult environment” (Peck, AMACOM Self Study Program http://www.amaselfstudy.org/
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1978). Peck describes the difficulties of a bright computer technician who moved from job to job throughout his career and whose wife had just left him. As a child, the technician’s parents promised him many things and then failed to fulfill them, one after another. One year they actually forgot his birthday. To avoid being disappointed, he learned to accept the reality of his parents’ shortcomings and to distrust their promises. As an adult, he transferred this parental distrust to a distrust of people in general, a transference that kept him from having a close, loving relationship with his wife and successful interactions at work. While it’s important to examine the reality of our childhood experiences, it’s equally important to avoid projecting that reality onto our adult interactions. To be assertive, we need to respect each person as a unique individual who has his or her own perceptions of the world and his or her own set of values, beliefs, and standards. We need to look at each person’s behavior objectively and each situation on its merits. in doing this, we’ll keep our balance and avoid the transference trap.
Think About It . . . 1. Write about some of the feelings and perceptions you’ve carried with you into adult life and transferred onto someone else or onto people as a group.
2. If any of these feelings or perceptions are negative, identify at least one step you can take to limit this transference in the future.
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Perfectionism Perfectionism is the belief that we or others must be perfect or right all of the time. Perfectionists base their identity and self-worth on being perfect. While seeking perfection seems a noble goal, like transference, it gets in the way of our interactions. seeking perfection is different from striving for excellence in our work. Perfectionists have trouble accepting their own mistakes and the mistakes of others. They play mistakes over and over in their minds, figuratively beating up themselves and others in the process. They set unreachable goals, and then, fearful of falling short or of making mistakes, put off doing the things they need to do to reach those goals. earthlings will colonize Mars before perfectionists will take risks. That may be an exaggeration, but it strikes at the truth because perfectionism involves more than a surface obsession with mistakes and goals. it delves deep into the psyche at the level of self-esteem. in the workplace, perfectionism can cause many problems:
• • • • • •
A team spends too much time brainstorming the perfect solution to a problem. A company delays launching its new product because the product lacks all the “bells and whistles” even though consumers may only want the basics. A manager is afraid to try new ideas. A gifted employee holds back during meetings, hesitant to speak up. A co-worker falls apart under constructive criticism. A department spends so much time focusing on mistakes and assigning blame that it never gets around to analyzing those mistakes and finding ways to avoid them in the future. The problem of perfectionism can be overcome if we:
• • • • •
set high standards even as we identify and forgive our shortcomings. Develop practical action steps toward our goals. Value ourselves as works in progress. Practice continuous improvement. Acknowledge mistakes and treat them as learning experiences that make us better and stronger.
We help others overcome perfectionism when we point out what they do well. We can guide them through their disappointments by helping them discover (but not telling them) how to correct their mistakes and do better the next time. Most of all, we can affirm their innate worth as individuals and let them know that, however they view themselves and their situation, we recognize their worth—flaws and all. it takes time and effort to make the transition from perfectionism, or to help take that journey. Yet, it is time and effort well spent.
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Think About It . . . What’s your own experience with perfectionism? How did you respond to mistakes you made as a child and teenager? Did you try to cover up mistakes? Did you feel the need to always be right? Were you forgiving of yourself? Did you try to find out why you made mistakes and how future occurrences could be avoided?
How did your parents and other behavioral models respond to your mistakes? Did they help you work through them? How did their response affect you?
How do you respond to mistakes you make today? Do you dwell on them, beat yourself up because of them, or learn from them? Does making a mistake encourage you to avoid risk-taking?
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the role of attitude Our attitude toward life—whether we tend to be optimistic or pessimistic, or whether we look at outcomes as half-full or half-empty glasses—affects our ability to become assertive and our willingness to take steps necessary to get there. To be assertive, we must believe in the possibility or the probability that we’ll succeed in standing up for our needs and interests. if we are dominated by negative thinking or the view that the glass is half empty, we are unlikely to stand up for ourselves: “Why go to the trouble? i can’t win.” On the other hand, positive thinking—the view that the glass is half full—gives us the courage and incentive we need to pursue what we want. so, as you move step-by-step toward more assertive behavior, practice reality-based optimism.
Think About It . . . How do you view the world and your circumstances most of the time? Like a half-full glass of water? Half-empty? Neither?
How does your worldview affect your willingness to stand up for what matters to you—and take risks?
self-esteem and self-confidence While you’re exploring life influencers, consider your self-esteem and selfconfidence. Self-esteem is the way you view your worth as a human being and the inherent rights, while self-confidence is your “sense of ability”—the belief you have in your ability to reach a goal or to perform a task well.
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it’s possible to feel confident about your abilities and performance and still lack a sense of your complete worth. for example, you may have a knack for “crunching” numbers, and know that you do this well; nevertheless, you are reluctant to ask for a raise or a better office situation. You may have creative marketing ideas and express them one-on-one, tucked away in your cubicle, but you keep them to yourself during meetings because you prefer to be invisible, allowing—so you think—your job performance speak for itself. To be assertive, you must feel confident about what you do and also feel worthy. You may feel that you have little of either at this stage. However, you’ll find your confidence and self-esteem growing as you take each step toward assertive behavior.
This chapter is devoted to self-awareness. it began by challenging you to describe the personal goals and motivations that prompted you to take a course on becoming more assertive. it then provided a self-assessment test that allowed you, using the recap chapter’s scoring method, to identify you now on the passiveassertive-aggressive continuum: your “assertiveness profile.” knowing where you stand right now is an important first step in getting to where you ideally would like to be. it’s also important to understand the “life influencers” that got you to your current position on the continuum. Those include your genetic background and cultural and environmental factors in your life, but also the influences of parents, caregivers, teachers, and role models. exercises in the chapter encouraged you to reflect on how they have affected your current level of assertiveness. in addition, you were asked to look at other contributors to your current assertiveness (or lack thereof): perfectionism, your sense of optimistism or pessimism, self-confidence and self-esteem.
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Review Questions 1. The process of learning how to live and interact within one’s culture
1. (c)
2. Which of the following is an environmental influencer?
2. (b)
3. Adult behaviors and forms of communication are often formed:
3. (c)
4. Which of the following could be a non-genetic influencer of
4. (b)
5. __________________________ is an example of a genetically
5. (b)
and family structure is called: (a) socialization. (b) group identification. (c) adaptation. (d) homogenization.
(a) Talent (b) education level (c) intelligence (d) race
(a) randomly. (b) almost always by traumatic adult experience. (c) during the early years of life. (d) by the education system. assertiveness level? (a) Hair color (b) socio-economic status (c) gender (d) ethnicity
inherited trait. (a) A pessimistic outlook (b) Body type (c) The ability to work with others collaboratively (d) The level of physical fitness
Do you have questions? Comments? Need clarification? Call Educational Services at 1-800-225-3215 or e-mail at
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Building Your Assertiveness
Learning Objectives By the end of this chapter, you should be able to:
• Identify your needs, wants, interests, and val• • •
ues. Identify your short-term, intermediate, and long-term goals. Apply skills and strategies to develop assertive verbal communication. Apply skills and strategies to develop assertive written communication.
In the previous chapter of this course, you identified your assertiveness profile and your life’s key influencers. You did this to gain deeper insights and selfknowledge—the first step in your growth as an assertive individual. You’re now ready for the next step. This chapter and the two chapters that follow provide core concepts that will help you become more assertive in your thoughts and actions. Both are important and are similar to the mind-body connection that affects physical and mental health. Assertive attitudes support assertive behavior, which supports assertive thoughts, which supports assertive behavior, and so forth. Even so, as Alberti and Emmons point out, “some people respond more readily to cognitive (thinking) interventions, others to behavioral (action) interventions” (Alberti and Emmons, 1995). Therefore, they recommend that you “put most of your energy into whichever is most helpful to you.” (Ibid.)
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Your Needs, WANts, INterests, VAlues, ANd GoAls You can’t think and act assertively until you understand what matters to you in your personal and professional life. Here we define “what matters” as your needs, wants, interests, values, and goals. Together, they provide the sense of purpose that will pull you toward a destination that you must stand up for, even when the going gets tough.
Needs Your needs are those things you regard as essential for basic physical and mental survival. The psychologist Abraham Maslow codified these in his now famous hierarchy of needs (Exhibit 3-1) which begins with the most basic, physical needs such as food and water and ascends to progressively higher level needs such as safety and security, love and a sense of belonging to the group, selfesteem that comes from respect and recognition of one’s accomplishments, and—at the very top—self-actualization, what one feels he or she was born to do in life (Maslow, 1943). According to Maslow’s theory, a higher level need becomes important only when lower level needs are satisfied. for example, the need for self-actualization becomes important when all lesser needs in the hierarchy have been taken care of. for example, you wouldn’t feel a need for self-esteem or self-actualization if you hadn’t eaten in three days (physiological need) or if you were being stalked by a gang of street thugs (safety need). Whatever your needs, assertiveness requires that you stand up for them. Any time they are threatened, an alarm bell should sound in your head.
Think About It . . . Maslow’s hierarchy of needs is a good tool for thinking about what matters to us at different stages of our lives. Take a look at Exhibit 3-1 and then answer the question: Where are you located on Maslow’s hierarchy of needs?
Wants In contrast to needs, wants are desires such as living to eat versus eating to live. They include the answers to such questions as: What type of food? What kind of shelter? What type of car or other transportation? How much sleep or healthcare? What level of social contact or social status? People often confuse wants with needs. While there may be some overlap, wants are optional; needs are not. Economists tell us that people have unlimited wants. They get some things they want and then want more and more. Wants are also highly motiAMACOM Self Study Program http://www.amaselfstudy.org/
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xhibit 3-1 Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs
Self-Actualization Self-Esteem Love & Belonging Safety Physiological
vational. As any topnotch salesperson will tell you, they sell to people’s wants, rather than to their needs. Therefore, wants have a tremendous impact on our lives. In the realm of assertiveness, it’s important to prioritize our wants, because those that matter most are things for which we will most likely take a strong stand.
Interests Interests are things to which we claim some right, title, or legal share—things that are inherently ours and for which we need not negotiate. A department manager, for example, has an interest in decisions that will affect the ability to perform his or her duties. Thus, the manager, and not the manager’s boss, has the right to direct the activities of any direct reports and the right to conduct performance appraisals of any subordinates. If the boss were to tell the manager’s people what to do, or to tell them to “Come to me if you need anything,” the manager would have the right to stand up to the boss and assert the right to supervise his or her own people. unassertive (or passive) people may not have identified the rights that matter to them. or they back down too readily when their rights are challenged. Aggressive people, on the other hand, will boldly claim their rights and have few qualms about infringing on the rights of others. An example would be an executive telling the direct reports of one of his or her managers what to do. With respect to the workplace, what interests and rights are we talking about? Every person has an interest in maintaining control over workplace activities for which he or she is officially responsible. likewise, everyone has a right to:
• • •
Be treated fairly and with respect. Express his or her ideas. Have the resources needed to do the job well. © American Management Association. All rights reserved. http://www.amanet.org/
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• •
Be ambitious and set personal and career goals. Have time for family and non-work responsibilities.
As Alberti and Emmons note: “Each of us has the right to be and to express ourselves, and to feel good (not powerless or guilty) about doing so, as long as we do not hurt others in the process” (Alberti and Edmonds, 1995). Taking a stand, claiming your rights, and protecting what matters to you without harming someone else is the essence of thinking and acting assertively.
Values values are the abstract ideals which we adhere and hold on to, and for which we wish to be known. They represent the core of our humanity. Typical values include integrity, trustworthiness, fairness, and loyalty. some values matter more to certain people and cultures than others. In a given situation, people will lean more toward one value than another, even though they may profess both (Browne and keeley, 2006). for example, a family may tilt toward quality of life over physical life when making the difficult decision to pull the plug on the ventilator of a loved one who is brain-dead. A negotiator may choose cooperation over a clear victory in a labor settlement in order to build a relationship that will strengthen her company over the long term. Because values provide the basis for decision-making and behavior, it’s important to know which ones matter the most. This will help you understand why you decide in favor of one value over another in a particular circumstance, and why someone else may decide the opposite. furthermore, recognizing your core values will help you establish the boundaries of acceptable and unacceptable behaviors of others toward you and the boundaries of your behaviors toward others. Exercise 3-1 gives you an opportunity to contemplate your unique set of needs, wants, interests, and values.
Exercise 3-1 Identify Your Needs, Wants, Interests, and Values 1. Fill in three entries under each category below in order of preference. These should be the things that matter most to you, with number 1 being the most important. 2. Fill in the approximate income in the “Needs” and “Wants” categories. Needs
1. _____________________________________________________ 2. _____________________________________________________ 3. _____________________________________________________ Approx. Income Needed: ____________________________
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Exercise 3-1 continued from previous page. Wants (Desires)
1. _____________________________________________________ 2. _____________________________________________________ 3. _____________________________________________________ Approx. Income Needed: ____________________________
Interests (Things you want to protect)
1. _____________________________________________________ 2. _____________________________________________________ 3. _____________________________________________________
Values 1. _____________________________________________________ 2. _____________________________________________________ 3. _____________________________________________________
How did you complete Exercise 3-1? Each person will have his or her own set of needs, wants, interests, and values. Here’s a sample response that might trigger your assertiveness thinking. Needs
Wants (Desires)
Food 2. Shelter 3. Healthcare/medication Approx. Income Needed: $35,000 1.
A more spacious home in a better neighborhood 2. World travel (starting with New Zealand) 3. A graduate degree Approx. Income Needed: $75,000 1.
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Exercise 3-1 continued from previous page. Interests (Things you want to protect)
1. 2. 3.
Values
1. 2. 3. 3.
To be treated with respect To be treated fairly My reputation Honesty Trustworthiness Respect for others Personal responsibility
Your GoAls A goal is something that you consciously aim to achieve in the future—a senior management position, financial independence, a place in the symphony orchestra, etc. People typically have several goals, some personal, some family-related, and others work- or career-related. And some goals have greater importance than others. Your highest work goal, for example, may be to become vice President of operations, while your secondary work goal may be to become a better delegator. do you have conscious goals at work and outside of work? Have you consciously prioritized them? one useful exercise is to identify and write down your goals. doing this will bring structure to your goals and provide a direction for your life’s journey. Approach goal-setting in whatever manner works best for you. You might, for instance, brainstorm goals on a yellow pad without limiting or censoring them. set the pad aside for a day or two and brainstorm again on a new sheet of paper. Then, review your lists and note the similarities and dissimilarities. Add goals and eliminate others as the spirit moves you. Assign your goals to categories, such as personal, career, and financial (fountain and Arthur, 1990), and, in addition, identify which goals you want to achieve within a particular time frame. You may also find it helpful to prioritize each goal as low, medium, or high— which will guide you when goals conflict. for example, you may have a longterm career goal of becoming the Chief financial officer of a fortune 500 company and an intermediate personal goal of attending each of your daughter’s choir concerts. These appear to be in conflict because the path to becoming a Cfo at a fortune 500 company demands a work commitment that may limit the personal time you have with your family. In all likelihood, one of these goals will have a higher priority for you than the other. noting which you prefer will help you adjust your goals now or some time in the future. AMACOM Self Study Program http://www.amaselfstudy.org/
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However you set your goals, whether you brainstorm them or not, the act of writing them down transforms your goals into concrete targets toward which you’ll aim future thoughts and actions. so, let’s begin. In the next part of this chapter, your job is to identify your short-term, intermediate, and longterm goals, as well as goals in a category that may be unfamiliar to you— legacy goals.
short-term Goals short-term goals are those you want to accomplish within a year—and are possible to accomplish. getting a medical degree, if you’re not already in medical school, is not a viable short-term goal. If you already have a medical degree, finishing your internship is. This may seem obvious, but the point is to avoid “pie-in-the-sky” goal-setting. Being realistic is the first step toward producing real accomplishments that bolster self-esteem and assertiveness. In addition to being realistic, set a firm date for meeting each short-term goal. otherwise, these goals may slip by and roll over into the following year.
Intermediate Goals In general, think of immediate goals as things you want to have or to accomplish within the next five to ten years. five or ten years can pass more quickly than you think, so don’t put off work on these goals. You need to plan for and begin working toward them now.
long-term Goals long-term goals identify what you want to have or accomplish within the next ten to twenty years. This can be a most fertile time in your life, a time when your experiences, insights, and training propel you to operate at peak levels of performance. for your long-term goals, aim high.
legacy Goals The most powerful goal category contains legacy goals. These are achievements for which you most wish to be remembered. These are the things you would want your loved ones, co-workers, and neighbors to write in your epitaph. This question may seem macabre, but asking it is very useful. Identifying your legacy goals will help you set priorities and concentrate on what truly matters to you. With this and earlier discussion of goals in mind, complete Exercise 3-2 on page 38.
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Exercise 3-2 Your Goals Worksheet
2. Prioritize each goal—high (H), medium (M), or low (L). 3. Compare your personal, career, and financial goals with the priorities you’ve assigned. Ideally, your goals and priorities will be compatible. If they aren’t, adjust either the goal or the priority. Goal Type AMACOM Self Study Program http://www.amaselfstudy.org/
Short-Term Goals (within 1 year)
Intermediate Goals (within 5 to 10 years)
Long-term Goals (within 10 to 20 years) Legacy Goals (things for which you hope to be remembered)
Personal
Visit New York by 7/12
H
M
L
Career
X Get a promotion by end of year
H
M
L
Financial
X Rebalance my 401-K portfolio by year end
H
M
X
L
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1. Fill in your short-term, intermediate, long-term, and legacy goals for each category. Limit your list to three goals for each category.
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How did you complete the goal exercise? Are your goals compatible, or is some rethinking and adjustment in order? now take a minute to consider your skills, talents, and personal capabilities. Are these sufficient to get you where you want to be? The Think About It activity below will help you answer that question.
Think About It . . . 1. What skills and talents must I develop more fully in order to reach my goals?
2. What education, training, and experience must I acquire or enhance in order to reach my goals?
3. What career path am I currently on? What career path change, if any, must I make in order to achieve my work-life goals?
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Think About It continued from previous page.
4. Is my current geographical location compatible with my goals? If not, where do I need to live?
speAkING up for WhAt MAtters to You At Work now that you’ve identified your needs, wants, interests, values, and goals, prepare yourself to “speak up” on their behalf—that is, to communicate what matters to you. speaking up is an important step toward becoming more assertive.
engage in a positive Internal dialogue Before you speak up to others, you must learn to speak up to yourself. Intrapersonal communication or the communication you have with yourself, describes the running dialogue in your head from the time you wake up in the morning until you go to bed. This internal dialogue may be barely perceptible to you, and it may be negative: “There you go again, putting your foot in your mouth. What’s the matter with you?” It may be positive: “That was an awesome idea you came up. good for you!” It may be mixed: “I delivered a solid presentation. The audience was with me all along the way . . . I think.” Primarily, unassertive people veer toward negative internal dialogues while assertive people hold honest and positive conversations with themselves, using what human behaviorist dr. denis Waitley calls “winners’ self-talk” (Waitley, 1995). These include:
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“Positive self-esteem” talk, such as “I like myself ” versus “I’d rather be someone else.” “Positive self-control” talk, such as “I make it happen for me” versus “It always happens to me.” “Positive self-expectancy” talk, such as “good today, better tomorrow. next time I’ll get it right” versus “With my luck, I knew it would fail.”
When you read these statements, you can feel the power of their influence and understand why you should engage in positive internal dialogue and avoid the negative. Imagine if “The little Train That Could” in the famous children’s story of the same name said, “I think I can’t, I think I can’t, I think I can’t.” The train would remain forever stuck at the bottom of the hill. If you engage in a negative internal dialogue, your exterior behavior will probably reflect it. You’ll behave like you think. To become more assertive in your thinking and, subsequently, in your behavior, Alberti and Emmons recommend the technique of turning negative statements into their positive forms. for example, instead of saying “‘I’m not important” and “My opinions don’t count,” tell yourself, “I am important and “My opinions count” (Alberti and Edmonds, 1995). furthermore, Alberti and Emmons recommend that you create, memorize, and post in a viewable place a list of positive statements or compliments about yourself, such as, “I have a job,” “I’m good at what I do,” “I’m becoming more assertive every day” (Ibid.). If you find yourself thinking predominantly negative thoughts, create and post this type of list. learning to engage in positive rather than negative internal dialogue (Exercise 3-3) takes time, patience, and commitment. You must want to transform your intrapersonal communication patterns. doing this may seem artificial and strained at first, as if you’re boasting to yourself. Well, go ahead and boast, especially if you’ve had a habit of beating yourself up from morning to night. You have that right.
Exercise 3-3 Scripting a Positive Internal Dialogue 1. Select one workday in the upcoming week to track your internal dialogue from the time you arrive at work until you arrive home at the end of the day. 2. Record your internal dialogue in a small notebook. 3. On the following day, read your conversations and answer the following questions: What internal conversations did I have as I arrived at work? Write a “P” by the positive comments and “N” by the negative ones. Were my conversations mostly positive or negative? Explain.
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Exercise 3-3 continued from previous page.
What internal conversations did I have during my day at work? Write a “P” by the positive comments and “N” by the negative ones. Were my conversations mostly positive or negative? Explain.
What internal conversations did I have on the way home from work? Write a “P” by the positive comments and “N” by the negative ones. Were my conversations mostly positive or negative? Explain.
Now, write down your insights about your internal dialogue:
If you found Exercise 3-3 useful, continue tracking your internal dialogue and note your improvements. If you catch yourself carrying on a negative internal dialogue, stop and rewrite your dialogue into a positive one. doing this regularly with create a habit of positive internal dialogue, and that habit will elevate your assertiveness at work.
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Verbally Communicate in Assertive Ways speaking up for one’s needs, wants, interests, values, and goals mostly involves verbal communication—delivered face-to-face, over the telephone, or in some form of stand-up presentation. The strength of your verbal communication depends on your words and delivery. Both are important demonstrations of assertiveness. Word choices frame your meaning while the way you deliver your message—your tone of voice, facial expression, or your body language— often makes a greater impact on your receivers than what you have to say. We’ll concentrate on those aspects of nonverbal communication in the next chapter. for now, we’ll focus on the words, and how you can state your thoughts in more effective and assertive ways. Be Direct Effective and assertive verbal messages are delivered through brief, declarative sentences that are specific, concrete, and to the point. People who use direct communication don’t waltz around their main point, or ramble, hesitate, hedge their statements, excuse themselves, or do anything else that delays, prolongs, or confuses their messages. Consider each of the following examples of unassertive speech and their assertive equivalents. Unassertive Language
Assertive Language
Perhaps, if you don’t mind—and I realize the subject may seem a bit arcane—but if you’re open to it, we might look at a another approach to financing this phase of our expansion.
There’s another approach to financing this phase of our expansion. I recommend that we do a saleleaseback. Here’s how it works . . .
Oh, excuse me, Doug, I’m sorry to bother you when you’re so busy, but, ah, I was wondering, and maybe this isn’t the time, but I was wondering if I could talk with you sometime about my vacation schedule. Is that possible?
Doug, I’d like to talk with you about my vacation schedule. Can we meet next week?
notice how the unassertive communicator “beats around the bush” and qualifies what he or she hopes to say (“if you’re open to it”), and seems to be apologizing (“Excuse me,” “I’m sorry”). In contrast, the assertive communicator uses simple declarative sentences (“There’s another approach”) and is commanding in nature (“I recommend that . . .”). Try following this assertive example on a regular basis. As you craft short, clear, concrete sentences that precisely convey your meaning, you’ll hear and feel yourself becoming more assertive. The tips that follow will help you develop this skill.
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Understand Your Listeners The more you know about your listeners, the better prepared you’ll be to craft and deliver a message that appeals specifically to their interests, concerns, needs, and so forth. You can understand listeners by conducting audience analysis—a series of questions whose answers will help you identify the makeup of your audience. To analyze your listener or audience, answer the following questions:
• • • • •
Who is my listener/audience? (gender, age, ethnicity, nationality, rank/position, educational level, income level, area of expertise, training, social class, religion, etc.) What does my audience know or need to know about the subject of my message? How does my audience feel about the subject of my message? How does my audience perceive or feel about me? (knowledgeable, credible, reliable, trustworthy, fair, persistent, unreliable, scattered, inflexible, etc.) How well will my message appeal to my audience’s concerns, interests, and needs?
Put Your Main Point Up Front one of the keys to direct communication is putting the main point of your message up front (Bailey, 2007), whether the message is delivered via a presentation, a face-to-face encounter, an e-mail, a report, a letter, or a telephone call. Consider this example of a sales manager making an announcement to a gathering of her sales representatives:
I’m pleased to tell you that david osborne, formerly of Hargrove Equipment, one of our key competitors, will be joining us in the southwest sales region. This sales manager would then go on to describe osborne’s background and what he would bring to the sales effort. Her main purpose, however, was to announce osborne’s hiring, which she did straightaway, before getting into any other details. This is the gold standard of business communication. up front means close to the top of the message, although it’s not necessarily the first words people will hear or read. speeches and presentations, for example, call for a brief attention-getter; other communication channels call for a short exchange of pleasantries. Your main point, or audience “take-away,” should come soon after. The rest of your communication merely explains the details of that main point or provides a logical argument in its favor. The exception to this tip involves delivering bad news. When you have bad news to communicate, cushion it by first delivering a brief background of the situation or reasons for a request or decision. Avoid prolonging these comments, though, because your receivers, regardless of the situation, will be itching to know your bottom line. for example, if you need to miss a day of work because your mother is having cataract surgery, you might say to your AMACOM Self Study Program http://www.amaselfstudy.org/
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boss, “rubin, my mother is scheduled for cataract surgery on friday, so I want to take that day off.” By stating your reason first, you prepare rubin to be more open to your request. Here’s another example: let’s say you manage a department in a company which has lost revenues. The holidays are approaching, and you need to break the news that the company is scaling back its year-end celebrations and that bonuses will be sharply reduced. You might announce it this way: As you know, we’ve had a revenue shortfalls in each of the past two quarters. Company-wide we’re down about $3 million from this time last year. so, this holiday season we’ll have a modestly catered gettogether instead of the usual holiday bash. That way everyone can receive a small holiday bonus. In this case, you provided a reason (the company’s current financial situation) before delivering the negative main points. notice too how this puts a potential negative—the token bonus—into a positive light without being dishonest or manipulative. If you find yourself getting caught up in rambling voice mail messages, prolonging the chit-chat in telephone conversations before you get to the heart of your messages, employing hedge words to convolute your meaning, hinting at what you really want in face-to-face encounters, or using other forms of unassertive communication, you’re not being assertive. But you can change. tip: rehearse If you have an important message to get across, write it out ahead of time. Then, practice it out loud or in your mind and deliver it as you practiced. In time, what you practice will become a habit that presents you as a more focused and powerful person. Use Positive Language In general, it’s more effective to state what you want rather than what you don’t want. negative words such as “don’t,” “won’t,” “can’t,” “not,” and “never” are difficult for the mind to process. Also, people are more likely to respond well to a positive statement than to a negative one. They don’t like being told to “don’t to this, don’t do that.” Instead of saying “don’t leave a cluttered desk when you go home from work,” give a more assertive statement, “Clean up your desk before you leave.” some examples follow.
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Negative-Unassertive Statements
Positive-Assertive Statements
Don’t wait until the end of the month to turn in your expense report.
Always submit your expense report before the end of the month.
Don’t keep taking long lunches and coming back late to work.
Take as much time for lunch as you like, as long as you can be back to work on time.
Don’t forget to give me your report before you leave for Baltimore tomorrow.
Give me your report before you leave for Baltimore.
We can’t send a technican until tomorrow.
We can send a technician tomorrow.
We won’t be launching the new ad campaign until next month.
We’ll launch the new ad campaign next month.
There are subtle differences in these examples, but the statements in the right-hand column are more commanding and unambiguous in their meaning. They communicate both the message and the assertiveness of the speaker. Avoid Words That Limit Your Credibility When you use limiting adverbs such as “just” and “only” to describe yourself or an accomplishment, you convey a low sense of self esteem to listeners. for example, “I’m just the receptionist,” “It’s just my opinion,” or “I’m just hoping I’ll get the opportunity to work here” (Walther, 1991). You may think that these words make you appear to be more humble. Instead, they make you appear to be insecure, as though you’re devaluing yourself. delete them and use more self-confident language, even when you don’t feel confident. look at the difference that dropping a word and using bolder language choices can make: Unassertive Statements
Assertive Statements
“I’m just the receptionist.”
“I’m the receptionist.”
“It’s only my opinion, but . . . .”
“I firmly believe that . . . .”
“I’m just hoping I’ll get the opportunity to work here.”
“This is where I want to be.”
By the same token, phrases such as “To tell you the truth,” “To be perfectly honest,” and “frankly speaking” raise questions in your receiver’s mind about your honesty (Walther, 1991) and, therefore, credibility. As george AMACOM Self Study Program http://www.amaselfstudy.org/
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Walther writes in his book Power Talking: 50 Ways to Say What You Mean and Get What You Want, “If a person is habitually honest, if his integrity is 100 percent, why would he need to make a point of explaining that he’s about to tell the truth?” (Walther, 1991). You may be using these phrases as fillers to make sentences more conversational and fluid without intending any special meaning. still, as Walther recommends, it’s better to eliminate the use of integrityquestioning phrases. tip: Avoid “I think” no long ago, a close adviser to President george W. Bush was being interviewed by a news reporter. The subject was the President’s state of the union Address, which he had delivered the night before. It was clear from the initial part of the interview that this adviser had a hand in drafting the address. The reporter asked the adviser what the President had meant by improving security conditions in Iraq. did that mean that the troops would soon be coming home? like so many, this adviser began as follows [my italics for emphasis]: “I think that what the President meant was . . . .” one repeatedly hears this sort of equivocating from people whom we expect to make unequivocal statements. saying “I think that . . .” is like saying, “I’m not sure, but . . .” or “I really don’t know.” or worse, “I think that what I meant was . . . .” Always remember, people are less interested in what you think than in what you know. An assertive, credible person does not have to guess at what he or she means. It’s much more effective to make statements like this: “The President’s statement communicated the demonstrable fact that violence in Iraq has subsided since this time last year.” Avoid Absolutes Words like “always” and “never” are absolute words that damage credibility when used to describe oneself or someone else. Here are some examples:
I’ve never been good at math. I never look professional. something’s always out of place. I always put my foot in my mouth. You’ve never had strong people skills. You never speak up in our meetings. very few things in life are absolute. using absolute words requires an extraordinary amount of evidence to substantiate your point, even then it’s unlikely you can prove it absolutely. so, it’s best to strike them from your thoughts and communication. © American Management Association. All rights reserved. http://www.amanet.org/
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Avoid the “Sorries” Picture this scene: A member of your sales team tells you that he has been courting a particularly difficult client for six months, and that the client has just called to say that she went with a competitor. You respond with “I’m sorry.” Your teammate looks puzzled and declares, “It’s not because of you.” now, you’re puzzled. What’s going on? linguist deborah Tannen explains that the word “sorry” has two meanings. one is a literal apology; the second is an expression of sympathy and concern through which the speaker is not apologizing or accepting blame. According to Tannen, women are more likely than men to use the second meaning while men are more likely than women to view this as an apology (Tannen, 1994). You can lessen the possibility of being misunderstood by being more specific: “I’m sorry that happened,” or “I’m sorry to hear that your client went with another company.” depending on the receiver, however, that may still sound apologetic. As an alternative, feed back the emotion the other person is expressing: “That’s disappointing,” followed by a more neutral, positive statement such as “But I’m sure that your sales skills will eventually bring you an even bigger and better account.” According to Tannen, a literal apology puts you “one-down” in a relationship. You’re accepting blame and putting the other person in a position to absolve you of guilt (Tannen, 1994). Therefore, pay attention to how you use the words “I’m sorry.” Use “I” Statements to Express Ideas and Give Feedback statements that begin with the word “I” tell your receivers that you own and take responsibility for the message that’s about to follow. Consider these examples:
I recommend that we open a new, state-of-the-art warehouse in Westerville. Here’s why . . . I believe we’ll be more efficient with our time and problem-solving if we have fewer members on the team—seven at the most. Amirah, I want you to facilitate the next meeting because you’re an excellent listener and you welcome opposing points of view. That shows me you’re ready for a leadership role. These “I” statements exude confidence and clarity. Can you see why? “I” statements also help prevent feedback from coming across as judgmental or accusatory. Take a look at these examples: I like the layout of the brochure. It’s eye-catching. In terms of color, though, I’d like to see more contrast between the background and text. Phil, I’m disappointed that you missed our meeting. Your input is valuable to us and we counted on you.
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Marcia, I’m frustrated when you interrupt me. doing so disrupts my thoughts. notice how these statements combine “I” with objective and concrete words. To say, “Marcia, I feel frustrated when you interrupt me, because that’s rude” will probably provoke a defensive response. Avoid “You” Statements In contrast to “I” statements, those that begin with “you” may put your receiver on the defensive, especially when they convey criticism. starting a sentence with “you” is like pointing the finger at another person. In the following examples, you’ll see the judgmental version of the statements you just read in the previous section:
You did a poor job on the brochure, frank. for one thing, you don’t have enough contrast between the background and text. Phil, you missed the meeting and let everybody down. You really disappointed us. Marcia, you make me angry when you keep interrupting. Just reading these words can make you feel beaten down, so imagine what they do to the receiver. If your goal is to influence a change of behavior, produce a better product, encourage more participation, develop an employee’s leadership skills, or some other positive outcome, then avoid the resistance and resentments that “you” statements often provoke. In the same vein, compliments that begin with “you” may also be a problem. Your receivers may feel uncomfortable because the compliments appear to be overly familiar and may constitute a breach of professional boundaries— especially when you’re communicating with someone from the opposite sex. rather than saying “You look great in that suit,” which is also vague and imprecise, you might say “I like the design and color of your suit. It looks very professional.” Instead of saying “You have a nice smile,” you can say “I appreciate your cheerful attitude. It boosts the morale of our department.” These “I” statements are more specific and neutral, and they deflect any misunderstanding a complimentary “you” statement might generate. Consider the Multi-Part “I” Statement Multi-part “I” statements can be especially useful in emotionally-charged situations where feelings upset your equilibrium and you find yourself at a loss for something to say. Although the formula for these statements may vary, one of the most commonly used versions incorporates the three parts used to communicate one’s feelings:
I feel ________________ when you _________________ because ______________.
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The formula allows you to describe your emotions, the behavior of the other person, and its consequences for you (or your team, company, department, family, etc.). Here is the specific layout: I feel
a description of your emotions
when you
an objective description of the other person’s behavior
because
a description of the effects on or consequences for you
let’s say that your manager has held on to your team’s feasibility report for several weeks without giving you feedback. Any more delay will undermine your schedule. Everyone will have to work nights and weekends to make up the lost time. This is not the first time this has happened. In fact, your manager makes a habit of this witholding. You and your team suspect that he likes to create a crisis, giving himself the perverse pleasure of watching your team perform under pressure. By now you’ve all had enough of the late nights, seven-day weeks, and missed activities with your families. You’re tempted to let loose. If you’re on the passive side of the assertiveness scale, you’ll likely resist the temptation and simply boil inside. If you’re on the aggressive side, you might explode: “There you go again, Tom. You never give us feedback on our reports until the last minute, which puts us into a time bind. We’re sick and tired of this silly game.” unburdening yourself in this aggressive way may make you feel better, but that approach is often ineffective and risky. You put the other person in your gunsight, used absolutes (“never”), and assumed you knew his motives (“game”), when in reality, people can’t know for certain the thoughts or motives of others unless he or she shares them with us. The beauty of the multi-part “I” statement is that it allows people at any level of assertiveness to send an effective and non-judgmental message: Tom, I become frustrated when you delay giving feedback on our reports because it puts us in a time crunch and takes us away from our families. notice that the “I” statement implies a desire for a change in behavior in the other person. You may find it useful to directly state the change you want by adding a fourth part to your message: “so will you _________________?” for example: Tom, I become frustrated when you delay giving feedback on our reports because it puts us in a time crunch and takes us away from our families. So will you agree to turn around our reports faster?” Here’s a “so will you” extension from an earlier example: Marcia, I feel frustrated when you interrupt me. It disrupts my AMACOM Self Study Program http://www.amaselfstudy.org/
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thoughts. So will you let me finish? Then, I’ll be happy to hear what you have to say. Those statements are assertive without being disrespectful. Marcia will probably agree to this reasonable request. But what if she responds, “no, I won’t promise that.”? You might ask her to explain her objection. she might tell you that she interrupts because you take a long time to make your point and that she’s concerned about losing her train of thought. In response, you could offer to use more direct communication and say, “In that case, will you agree to stop interrupting me?” By using an “I” statement to feed back your feelings to Marcia, you learned more about your own behavior and negotiated a win-win outcome.
use the Most effective Communication Channel A communication channel is a medium through which people deliver a message—a telephone call, letter, email, voice mail, report, face-to-face encounter, etc. The nature of your message, the culture of your organization, and your relationship with the receiver will help you determine the most appropriate channel. for example, if you need to deliver negative feedback to an employee, you’ll want to do so face-to-face and in private. If you want to set up a time with your manager to discuss a raise or promotion, you might also want a face-to-face, private verbal encounter. Yet, your manager might better appreciate an email, because he or she can access it at his or her convenience. You can write: “Hello, [the name of your manager]. now that I’ve successfully finished the Marks Enterprise project, I’d like to talk with you about my next steps with the company. Is there a convenient time for us to meet?” notice that you’re asking for a meeting, not for the raise or promotion. It’s better to leave these specifics for the face-to-face encounter.
practice Good timing In addition to choosing the most effective communication channel, good timing is important. This involves good timing in regard to your receiver and a timely response in terms of feedback. Timing and Your Receiver When you practice well-timed communication, the receiver is ready to hear and respond to your message, free of distractions. To accomplish this, you need to be aware of what’s going on with and around your receiver. What body language does he or she convey? Is he or she alone, engaged in conversation with someone else, or surrounded by people? does your receiver seem rushed or at ease? Is the room peaceful or chaotic? What time of day is it—mid-morning, right before lunch, closing time? delivering a message at the right time can help ensure your success; delivering it at the wrong time can lead to a wasted effort. for example, if you walk into your receiver’s office to find that he or she looks red-faced and is surrounded by harried-looking staff as he or she shouts orders on the telephone, these may be clues to come back at another time. If your receiver is alone, working quietly at the computer, you might politely interrupt and ask © American Management Association. All rights reserved. http://www.amanet.org/
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if it’s a good time to talk. If he or she says “yes” and motions for you to sit down, you should proceed. If your receiver says “yes,” but his or her body language says “no,” you may want to ask if another time would be more convenient. successful timing is a matter of good sense, being attuned to the other person, and to the importance and nature of your message. Timing and Feedback Prompt feedback—that is, responding to another person’s behavior, words, ideas, or performance in a timely way—is another aspect of good timing. delaying feedback limits the impact of your message and may indicate hesitation or a lack of confidence and assertiveness. In fact, Alberti and Emmons suggest in their book, Your Perfect Right that a “spontaneity of expression” is a goal of assertiveness (Alberti and Emmons, 1995). of course, some situations call for a delayed response. Confronting someone in front of others, for example, is not a good idea. In general, however, it’s better to be prompt when you want to compliment or constructively criticize someone, deliver an opposing idea, ask for a change in behavior, or encourage positive behavior. Timely feedback is an element of open and assertive communication.
Think About It . . . 1. Think about a communication encounter that missed its mark with your receiver. Describe the encounter below.
2. Identify the reason or reasons for the miscommunication. For example, did you misjudge or misunderstand your receiver? Did you hedge, ramble, or waltz around the topic? Did you delay your main point? Did you use negative language? Did you use words that lowered your credibility? Did you use “you” statements or other judgmental language? Did you choose an ineffective communication channel? Did you use poor timing, etc.?
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Think About It continued from previous page.
3. Now, describe the way you would engage your receiver or receivers if you had the opportunity of a second take.
AssertIVe WrItteN CoMMuNICAtIoN up to this point in this chapter, we have covered only spoken communication. However, a significant percentage of workplace communication is written: emails, interoffice memos: letters to bankers, customers, supplier, and other stakeholders; reports. unlike spoken communication, written messages can’t be augmented by the many non-verbal nuances we often use to convey our thoughts and feelings: facial expressions, voice tone, posture, and so forth. our words must stand by themselves. fortunately, many of the features of assertive verbal communication that you’ve already learned apply equally to written form—such as being direct and getting to your point quickly. But there are a few others, which we’ll cover here.
have a Clear purpose The starting point for assertive writing is a clear purpose. The writer’s purpose might be to:
• • • •
request action: “Bill, we need to meet later this week to plan the spring sales conference. How about friday morning, at 10 AM?” respond to a message: “I received your message and will respond by noon tomorrow.” deliver information: “This report contains the market research team’s findings on customer demand in the Twin Cities area.” Influence the reader: “vera, I hope that you will agree with me that this is the right time to implement a new human resource strategy. In our industry, whoever has the best human capital owns the future.” © American Management Association. All rights reserved. http://www.amanet.org/
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The purpose in each of these examples is clear, telling the reader that the writer knows what he or she is about. There is no “beating around the bush,” no apologizing, no mincing words. That’s assertive writing. so, before you sit down to write your next message, answer this question: “What’s my purpose?” Proceed from the answer.
Make Your Message Clear and Crisp In most cases, you’ll want to confine your communication to a single topic. limiting yourself reduces the chance of confusion or of the recipient reading the first one and skipping the rest. This is particularly true of email. If you have two separate issues to cover, make each the topic of a separate email. focusing on a single message will also give you an opportunity to be clear and crisp. for our purposes “crisp” means :
• •
getting the idea across in as few words as possible. Every modern writing expert urges economy of words. unnecessary words and flowery phrases bury your message and its impact, and detract from the assertive image you hope to project. using short, simple sentences. long, complex sentences confuse and slow down readers, and as a result, reduce the impact of your message. If you can’t edit down your messages, break them into shorter, more digestible pieces.
Consider the following piece of writing and how it could be made more clear and crisp by implementing those two suggestions: I am writing to each of you today to personally let you know that I have received your suggestions for reducing our company’s customer service response time. My thanks to each of you for sending those various suggestions. Be assured that I appreciate your submission of those suggestions, and that I will endeavor to respond to them. I’m currently not sure when I will have my responses, but I can assure you that it won’t be too long. Quite a mouthful, right? Here’s one example of how to get the message across in a more assertive way: Thanks for submitting your suggestions for reducing our customer response time. All are appreciated. I’ll be back to you soon with my responses. The statement was reduced from 78 to 23 words. Which version is clearer and more assertive and which will have a greater impact on the reader?
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Exercise 3-4 A Clear and Crisp Message Read the following message and then rewrite it with the objective of getting the same idea across in fewer words: I’ve been thinking about when we should start planning the annual July 4th company picnic. Sometime in May? June? I’m not sure. I’d be interested in hearing your thoughts on when we should begin planning. Please let me know.
Then, read the following message and rewrite it with the objective of using short, simple sentences. I am writing to inform you that last month the market research team (currently composed, as you know, of myself, Tom Anderson, Brenda Goodall, and Silvia Gonzales) convened in the R&D Center conference room to consider each of these two issues: lead user customer attitudes toward our existing list of products, and how we might go about measuring the responses of these lead user customer attitudes to prototypes developed by the new product development team.
use the Most effective and Appropriate Mode Many modes of communication are available to you. depending on the circumstance, you may be able to deliver a verbal, face-to-face message. We discussed this matter earlier in this chapter. face-to-face verbal communication is fast and allows you to enhance your message with smiles, grimaces, finger pointing, crossed arms, voice tone, and other nonverbal cues. As you will learn later in this course, nonverbal communication generally makes a greater impression on listeners than the words we use. verbal communication, either face-to-face or via telephone, also has the advantage of being dynamic; the other party can respond with questions or comments, so the two parties can better close in on the topic or, conversely, take its discussion in some fruitful new and unplanned direction. In contrast, written communication is more like a one-way street. on the other hand, written communication has some distinct advantages.
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• •
The writer has time to think, plan, and rewrite the message. A trusted colleague can be asked to read the message or letter and suggest alterations and improvements. large chunks of information can be conveyed (such as by reports), with graphics and tables used to highlight or elaborate key areas.
You should also consider how the choice of communication form will affect peoples’ perception of your assertiveness. for instance, in dealing with problem subordinates, telling them via email to “shape up” will give the impression that you’re afraid to criticize their work performance or behavior in person. You’ll be perceived as a passive, conflict avoider. It’s best to speak directly to the person about the problem, then follow up with a written memo in which you restate the problem as you see it, summarize what was said during your meeting, and note whatever change(s) the person agreed to. By following up in writing, you produce a record that can be put in the personnel file of the problem subordinate. In the case of future disciplinary action or dismissal, that record will support your action. Written communication is an area in which you can demonstrate assertiveness. Any time you write in a clear, concise, confident, and compelling way, you demonstrate that you’re in control of yourself and the information. This type of writing marks you as an assertive person.
In building your level of assertiveness, you must know what matters to you. “What matters” in this case are your needs, wants, interests, values, and goals. These are the things you must stand up for in the workplace and in other areas of your recap life. needs are things you regard as essential for your basic physical and mental survival. We referred to Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, beginning with the most basic needs (food and water) and moving up to higher level needs (self-esteem and self-actualization). Wants are like needs, but are optional. You may need transportation in order to hold a paying job, but you may want a BMW because you like quality and fine engineering. Your interests are those things to which you claim some right, title, or legal share. for instance, if you are a manager, you have a right to schedule the work of your subordinates. Anyone who tried to schedule their work would be infringing upon your right as a manager. An assertive person would stand up for that right. values are the abstract ideals to which we adhere and hold on to, and for which we wish to be known. Typical values include integrity, trustworthiness, fairness, and loyalty. As described in the chapter, a goal is something we consciously aim to achieve in the future. It’s useful to think of goals as short-term, intermediate,
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long-term, and legacy. And it’s a good idea to write down and prioritize goals. Personal goals, like other factors covered in the chapter, are something that the assertive person must stand up for when they are challenged or disrespected. speaking up for what matters to you involves both verbal and written forms of communication. Assertive verbal communicators are direct; they use brief, declarative sentences that are specific, concrete, and to the point. They don’t hem and haw, ramble, or dance around their main point. These communicators are effective because they make a point of understanding their listeners: who they are, what they already know about the subject, what they need to know. They also put their key points up front, using the rest of their time to provide details. While most workplace communication is done verbally, a person can also be assertive in the way he or she approaches written communication. Many of the same principles of assertive communication apply equally to emails, memos, letters, and reports. They should be clear and crisp, and in most cases, put the main point up front.
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Review Questions 1. limiting adverbs such as “just” and “only” to describe yourself (“I’m just 1. (a) an assistant”) or an accomplishment, convey the following to listeners: (a) a low sense of self esteem. (b) an exact expression. (c) assertive confidence. (d) your job identity.
2. Which of the following best represents someone’s needs?
2. (d)
3.
3. (b)
(a) A large house, a sailboat, a private university education (b) freedom from worry (c) Equality of opportunity (d) shelter, food, and water The starting point for assertive writing is: (a) an outline. (b) a clear purpose. (c) a sophisticated vocabulary. (d) a powerful ending.
4. You want a job title that reflects your expanded duties.
4. (d)
5. Which of the following demonstrates the most effective “I” statement?
5. (b)
_______________ is the most effective communication channel to your boss for achieving this goal. (a) An email (b) A voice mail message (c) A telephone call (d) A face-to-face meeting
(a) “I feel upset when you’re inconsiderate towards people on the team.” (b) “I feel upset when you give me an assignment the night before it’s due, because I want to deliver my best work. so, next time will you give me advance notice?” (c) “I think you’re never going to improve, because you either don’t try or you don’t care.” (d) “You left the Colby account out of the financial statement. How could you be so careless?”
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assertive Nonverbal Communication Learning Objectives By the end of this chapter, you should be able to:
• State the importance of nonverbal aspects of • • • • •
communication. Differentiate between passive, aggressive, and assertive nonverbal cues. Identify key dimensions of assertive nonverbal communication (ANC). Explain how dimensions of ANC can be combined to strengthen nonverbal communication. Keep a nonverbal communication journal. Describe strategies to align your verbal and nonverbal communication.
The last chapter equipped you with practical techniques for making your verbal communication more assertive. In this chapter, you’ll learn about another form of communication—nonverbal—and its impact on the way people perceive you and the words you speak.
The Power of NoNverbal CommuNiCaTioN According to studies conducted by psychologist Dr. Albert Mehrabian, a message delivered face-to-face breaks down into three elements:
• • •
Verbal: What you say Vocal: How you say it Visual: What the receiver sees that is your body language, dress, etc. © American Management Association. All rights reserved. http://www.amanet.org/
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Which of these do you suppose has the greatest power? According to Mehrabian, the vocal component—tone of voice and volume, for example— counts for 38 percent of a message perceived by the audience. The verbal— the actual words—count for only 7 percent, while the visual portion—posture, facial expression, and dress, for example—counts for 55 percent (Arredondo, 1991). Surprising, isn’t it? other research reveals different percentages depending on the setting of the communication. Nevertheless, those findings underscore the importance of nonverbal communication to the effect of a message. According to Mehrabian, if your nonverbal and verbal communication contradict each other, people will be more likely to believe the nonverbal cues. In other words, the nonverbal message trumps people’s words. People may also be confused by your verbal and nonverbal contradictions. let’s suggest that a friend at work asks if you would mind staying late to help put together graphs for a report. You say, “No, I don’t mind at all,” but you rap on the table (knock on wood) and offer a tight-lipped smile. Your words say that you don’t mind, but your nonverbal cues send the message that you do mind. An assertive person would not send these mixed messages; his or her nonverbal communication would support his or her words. The verbal and non-verbal communication would be aligned: “I can’t help you tonight with these graphs because of another commitment, but I can pitch in early tomorrow morning. How does that sound to you?” All the while, the assertive speaker is using facial and body language to indicate his or her interest and support for what the other person is trying to accomplish: a smile, erect posture, eye contact, and a commanding tone of voice. The last chapter gave you many examples of words and phrases you can use to express feelings and state what you want in a direct and concise way. The knowledge of how to frame your message should give you more confidence in what you’re about to say—a confidence that your voice and body language should reflect. Ideally, as you grow more assertive, each aspect of communication—verbal, vocal, and visual—will progressively become better aligned (Exhibit 4-1).
xhibit 4-1 Alignment Between Communication Elements Verbal What You Say
Vocal How You Say It
Alignment
Visual Body Language
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In this chapter, we’ll assume that you’re already getting better at framing the verbal content of your messages and that your comfort level with using more assertive language will help you improve your nonverbal communication skills. To get started, try your hand at Exercise 4-1. It will help you observe the difference in your voice and body language when you deliver non-assertive, aggressive, and assertive statements.
Exercise 4-1 Words into Action 1. Ask a friend to videotape you reading (or putting into your own words) the following statements. Or, put the camera on a tripod and do your own recording. If you don’t have access to a video camera, capture your voice on an audio recorder while watching yourself in a mirror. 2. Record each statement, one after the other, in one take. 3. Then, play back the non-assertive and assertive statements in Example 1. 4. Write down what you observe about your voice and body language in the nonassertive and assertive readings. Do you see a contrast? If so, what stands out? What does this say to you about nonverbal communication? 5. Follow the same process for Examples 2 and 3. Example 1 Nonassertive language: “Oh, excuse me, Doug, I’m sorry to bother you when you’re so busy, but, ah, I was wondering, and maybe this isn’t okay, but I was wondering, you know, if I can talk with you sometime about my vacation schedule? Is that possible?” Assertive language: “Doug, I’d like to talk with you about my vacation schedule. Can we meet next week?” Your observations:
Example 2 Nonassertive language: “If you don’t mind—and this may or may not seem a bit arcane to you—but if you’re open to it, and hopefully you are, we might look at another approach to financing this phase, if you will, of our expansion plan.” Exercise 4-1 continues on next page.
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Exercise 4-1 continued from previous page. Assertive language: “I propose another approach to financing this phase of our expansion. I recommend that we cap our debt financing at $150 million and delay new store openings in the southwest region. Here’s why . . . .” Your observations:
Example 3 Aggressive language: “There you go again, Tom. You never give us feedback on our reports until the last minute and we always end up in a time bind. We’re sick and tired of being the pawns in your game, just so you can play hero to senior management.” Assertive language: “Tom, delaying feedback on our reports like this puts the entire team in a time bind, forcing us to work nights and weekends. More timely feedback from you will solve that problem. Is there any reason that you cannot turn around our reports more quickly?” Your observations:
What did you observe about your reading of these three examples? from a strictly verbal perspective, the passive, aggressive, and assertive aspects of these quotes are fairly obvious. But what about the voice tone and body language that went with them? Exhibit 4-2 lists some of the non-verbal cues generally associated with these three approaches to communication.
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xhibit 4-2 Non-Verbal Cues Passive
Aggressive
Avoids eye contact
Glaring eye contact; squinting
Shoulders hunched
Leaning forward
Head down
Head craned forward
Low voice
Strong and unusually loud voice
Hands held in front in a defensive posture
Pointing or jabbing forefinger at the listener; or hands on hips; or arms crossed in front
metacommunication: meaning beyond the words Imagine this scenario. You set the alarm an hour-and-a-half earlier than your usual wake-up time, so you can get to work ahead of your manager and co-workers. You look forward to answering your email free of distractions and polishing the trip report on last week’s regional sales meeting. When you arrive, you’re surprised to run into the Vice President of National Sales who says in a booming voice as she walks by, “My, you’re off to an early start today.” You mumble, “Well, yes, I am.” The V.P. strides into her office. You unlock the door to your office and walk inside and wonder, “Now, what was that all about?” Did your V.P. mean you never come in early? Did she mean that you’re trying to show her up? Did she mean that she’s impressed with your early arrival? You think about her tone of voice, her facial expression, and other body language to give you a clue. The meaning you’re trying to figure out in this situation is what communicators call metacommunication. Specifically, this is “the intentional or unintentional implied meaning of a message . . . [that] though not expressed in words, accompanies a message that is expressed in words” (Chaney and Martin, 2004). As we communicate with one another, we interpret the implied meaning of other’s words, just as they’re interpreting our words. This is another reason—and an important one at that—to be precise and concrete in the words we choose. Yet, we aren’t always precise and neither are other people, so we continue to interpret each other’s voice and body language for meaning. understanding these vocal and visual cues can help us improve our interpretations.
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Six DimeNSioNS of NoNverbal CommuNiCaTioN In this section, we’ll explore the dimensions of nonverbal communication to help us extract the deeper meanings of messages. These dimensions are:
• • • • • •
Body movement Body contact Eye contact Interpersonal space Silence Paralanguage
We’ll present these dimensions first in terms of culture in the united States and then, point out the similarities and differences with other cultures. Although we won’t be focusing on regional variations, it’s important to note that in a country as ethnically diverse and large as the united States, regional standards may also vary from the national norms. once you understand these dimensions of nonverbal communication, we’ll then present a section on how you can use them to make your communications more assertive.
body movement This dimension of nonverbal communication includes gestures, facial expressions, posture, and “other mannerisms” (Chaney and Martin, 2004). for example, facial expressions tell us about a person’s mood, feelings, and attitudes. Many are universal, such as smiles or frowns, laughter or cries. As people become socialized, they learn how to control expressions to mask their emotions, especially inappropriate ones. How do they do this? As Alberti and Emmons explain, they become more aware of “how the facial muscles feel in various facial expressions. Then, they can begin to control their expressions and make [them] congruent with what [they’re] thinking, feeling, or saying” (Albert and Emmons, 1995). The same holds true for gestures and body posture. Whatever the words, most individuals in the united States view an active and erect posture as assertive and a slouched posture as passive. Nervous and erratic gestures indicate a lack of self-confidence. Thus, a person’s gestures, facial expressions, postures, stance, and other aspects of movement can either enhance or confuse a verbal message. Effective communicators keep these two forms of communication in alignment. Keep in mind that some common gestures in the united States are interpreted differently in other cultures. If you work with people from other countries, take time to learn the basics of their body language and how to present yourself nonverbally in a way that will avoid friction and misunderstanding. Helpful resources include travel guides, online sources devoted to international business and cross-cultural communication, and books, such as Kiss, Bow, or Shake Hands: How to Do Business in Sixty Countries by Terri Morrison, Wayne A. Conaway, and george A. Borden.
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body Contact In North America, a handshake, whether it’s firm or limp, is one of the most important nonverbal messages we send. While the handshake is a common and accepted form of touching, excessive touching may be perceived as sexual harassment or aggressive behavior, while those who habitually shrink from physical contact may be perceived as passive or defensive (fountain and Arthur, 1990). By contrast, occasional touching of arms or shoulders, especially when it’s spontaneous and open, may be viewed as assertive (Ibid.). Any time you going beyond a handshake, however, it’s important to follow the standards of your organization and profession. In his book, Gestures, roger Axtell divides cultures into three categories: don’t touch, touch, and middle ground. He has categorized the united States, Japan, Canada, England, Scandinavia, and other Northern European countries as “don’t touch” cultures. “Touch” cultures include latin American countries, greece, Italy, Spain, Portugal, russia, and some Asian countries. “Middle ground” cultures include france, China, India, Ireland, Australia, and Middle Eastern countries (Exhibit 4-3). According to Axtell, both men and women in touch cultures may hold hands or walk down the street “arm in arm.” In these cultures, same-sex touching is often the norm and does not indicate homosexual behavior. for example, latin American men often greet each other with an affectionate embrace, placing both hands on the other’s shoulders. In contrast, men in the Middle East must avoid using the left hand in touching another person because the left hand is considered unclean (Chaney and Martin, 2004). In Asia, it’s taboo to touch someone’s head, because the head is considered sacred (Ibid.). Touch is a very sensitive issue, and anyone who conducts business across borders and across cultures must learn and observe the norms.
xhibit 4-3 Touch and Non-Touch Cultures
Touch
Middle Ground
Non-Touch
Latin American countries
China
United States
Mediterranean countries (Greece, Italy, Spain, Portugal)
India
Canada
Ireland
Japan
Australia
Northern European countries
Russia Parts of Asian countries
Middle Eastern countries France
England Scandanavia
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eye Contact In the united States, Britain, Canada, and in Northern and Eastern Europe, people expect direct eye contact with others, but not constant eye contact. for them, staring at another person is considered aggressive while the lack of direct eye contact as viewed as passive, if not trustworthy or showing a lack of interest. By contrast, Asians, Eastern Indians, and American Indians view looking down or indirectly as a way of showing respect. They consider direct eye contact rude. Thus, the nature of someone’s eye contact tells us a lot about his or her level of assertiveness, as long as we evaluate it within the proper cultural context.
interpersonal Space Is there a point at which another person’s closeness to you makes you uncomfortable? Do you have a general sense of what distance from another person is most appropriate? Most people do have this sense, and it governs how they feel in certain situations. for instance, if someone steps too close to them, they feel uncomfortable and want to back away. In his seminal studies of cultural anthropology, Edward T. Hall categorized the use of space into four categories: intimate, personal, social, and public (Tuleja, 2005). Intimate Space Hall identified intimate space as 18 inches or less (Chaney and Martin, 2004). Most Americans are uncomfortable being at this distance for any length in time with a stranger or someone they don’t know well, although they’ll make an exception when shaking hands (Chaney and Martin, 2004) and standing in elevators (Tuleja, 2005). In the workplace, entering another person’s intimate space without permission is generally viewed as aggressive behavior. It makes people inherently uncomfortable. Personal Space Hall identified personal space as 18 inches to four feet. In the workplace, people use this space “for giving instructions to others or working closely with another person” (Chaney and Martin, 2004). As Elizabeth Tuleja points out, the business phrase “arm’s-length relationship” has its origins in the far phase distance (see following paragraph). She explains that keeping this distance in the workplace helps people maintain “proper relationships” and protects them from being “controlled or unduly influenced” by others (Tuleja, 2005). Social Space Hall identified social space as four to twelve feet. In the world of work, this is the distance within which people act impersonally and with formality. A business meeting, for example, typically takes place within the four to twelve foot social space. Tuleja writes that the near phase of social, which is four to seven feet, “is the range at which most business conversations and interactions are conducted,” while the far phase, eight to twelve feet, gives rise to “transactions that have a more formal tone” (Tuleja, 2005). She points out that many orAMACOM Self Study Program http://www.amaselfstudy.org/
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ganizations in the united States place office furniture for senior managers and executives in arrangements that support the eight to twelve feet principle of far social space. Public Distance Hall identified public distance as over twelve feet. Communication and interaction in this public space is less personal and qualitatively different than what transpires at a closer distance. Can you imagine trying to communicate with someone who is twenty-five feet away? Clearly, you would have to speak very loudly and exaggerate your body language in order to communicate at all, which is what people must do when they make a speech in a large hall. given Hall’s four-part space system, how should you maneuver if you’re trying to be assertive? When interacting with others in the workplace, assertive people choose a distance that is appropriate for the occasion and the nature of the relationship—not so close that they make others uncomfortable, yet not so far away that they appear detached or excessively formal. If they must be far away—as when giving a speech or presentation—they counter the effects of physical distance through forceful language, a powerful voice, and exaggerated body language that can be seen and interpreted at a distance.
Silence Silence is another dimension of nonverbal communication that can help you with assertive communication. responding quickly to another person’s communication—that is, narrowing the gap of silence—will generally make you appear more assertive than someone who pauses or stutters in a search for words. That said, silence can also be used as an assertiveness tool. Consider this example: The aggressive boss was demanding a solution to a pressing problem from his three direct reports. Yelling and waving his arms wildly, he fixed his stare on Bill: “So what can be done about this problem, Bill?” Bill remained calm and composed, and didn’t say a word for at least twenty seconds. The long silence made the boss uncomfortable but made Bill appear thoughtful and in control, as though he already had the solution, but was choosing his words carefully. Silence can also be used to indicate disapproval, as in response to a distasteful joke. It can also be used to draw out clarifying and revealing information, because people generally feel awkward during long silences and rush to fill the void. Consider this example: Charlotte, the leader of a cross-functional team, was meeting with the other team members. “getting a handle on customer demand for this new product appears to be slowing our progress,” she observed to the others. “understanding customer demand is not a big issue,” responded Helen, a member of the team. The others all looked at Helen in silence, as if asking, “Well, what do you mean by © American Management Association. All rights reserved. http://www.amanet.org/
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that?” Her, comment, after all, was counterintuitive and demanded some explanation. After a moment of silence, Helen got their unstated message. “Well, what I mean is that customer demand is a question we can answer through traditional market research.” Experienced negotiators know the value of silence and use it to their advantage. As people develop their assertiveness skills, they learn when to deliver a quick response during an interchange and when to resort to silence.
Paralanguage Paralanguage involves all vocal aspects of messages beyond our words: voice tone, speaking rate, inflection, volume, energy level, fluency, and so on. It includes vocalizations such as laughing and crying, attending sounds such as “uh-huh,” and fillers (“ums” and “uhs”) (Chaney and Martin, 2004). Paralanguage reveals our attitudes toward ourselves and others and the situation at hand. It also reveals the part of the world or the nation we’re from. It lets people know if we’re angry, happy, impatient, stunned, or perplexed, among other emotions. As with the other dimensions of nonverbal communication, paralanguage is culture-specific. In the united States, for example, we often characterize people who speak overly loud as rude, boorish, or aggressive. People who speak overly soft are often characterized as insecure or timid—that is, unassertive. on the other hand, a loud speaker in an Arab nation is viewed as demonstrating strength and sincerity. The pace of speech is another aspect of paralanguage. People from Italy and Arab nations, for instance, usually speak at a faster rate than do people in the central united States. What we might interpret as anger or impatience in this rapid rate of speech is the norm for their cultures. The same pace issue is observable within the united States; compare, for example, the rapid clip of an urban New Yorker with the slow drawl of a rural Kentuckian. As you develop your nonverbal communication skills, use paralanguage that conveys the message you want to send and the emotions you wish to reveal. Be equally attentive to the vocal cues of others. Now that you’re acquainted with the dimension of nonverbal communication, you are ready to move on to Exercise 4-2 on page 69, in which you are asked to analyze the nonverbal communication of people you watch on a television program of your choice and then categorize the communication as passive, aggressive, or assertive.
PuTTiNg TogeTher The DimeNSioNS for aSSerTive NoNverbal CommuNiCaTioN (aNC) The six dimensions of nonverbal communication described above are like building blocks. If you put them together in appropriate ways, you will make your nonverbal communications more assertive and effective. What follows AMACOM Self Study Program http://www.amaselfstudy.org/
Exercise 4-2 Evaluating the Nonverbal Dimensions
Nonverbal Dimensions
Speaker #1
Body movement Body contact Eye contact Interpersonal space Silence Paralanguage
P
Ag
A
7. Once you’ve filled in the categories, determine if the nonverbal communication is passive (P), aggressive (Ag), or assertive (A) and place an “X” or checkmark in the appropriate column. 8. Next, go back to the beginning of the program and replay it with the sound on. 9. Fill in the paralanguage category and determine if the speaking style (not the content of the message) is passive, aggressive, or assertive. 10. Finally, listen to the content of each speaker’s message (what the speaker says) to evaluate if the speaker’s verbal and nonverbal communication are in sync. Fill in the “Observations/Comments” section of the worksheet.
Speaker #2
P
Ag
A
Speaker #3
P
Ag
A ASSErTIVE NoNVErBAl CoMMuNICATIoN
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1. Record a television talk show on videotape or DVD. It may be a business-oriented program, a political program, a self-help program, or any other television program where people express ideas and interact. 2. Avoid watching the show while you’re recording. (We suggest that you leave the room so you don’t overhear the conversation.) 3. Once you’ve recorded the program, rewind it to the beginning. 4. Then, press the mute button on your television set or remote control and play back the program without sound. 5. Watch the program straight through without taking notes. (First impressions are important.) 6. Then, replay the program and fill in a description of each nonverbal dimension, except the paralanguage category. You may stop and start, or use the pause button to do this.
Observations/Comments:
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is a list of actions you can take to make your assertive nonverbal communication, or ANC, an effective habit. Before you attempt this, take a moment to scan Exhibit 4-4, which lists many of the body language behaviors you will experience in the workplace, and what they usually mean.
make Proper use of Space How you use space and the degree to which you respect the space of others sends a message about your assertiveness. for the most part, you should not invade someone’s intimate space except for a handshake or a platonic hug, and the latter only given to people you know well. Your use of the other types of space—personal, social, or professional—should appropriately match the occasion and relationship. for example, it’s appropriate to enter personal space when training an employee to do a physical task, helping a customer put on an overcoat, or helping team members edit a report. on the other hand, doing the same thing at a professional networking event or meeting with representatives of another company would probably be inappropriate. Always be alert to how others respond to your movement in space. Even when you’re properly within the boundaries of a particular space, if the other person steps back from you, do not pursue. That person might require more distance than you are giving him or her. If you step forward as the other person steps back, you risk coming across as aggressive rather than assertive. Now, let’s turn the tables. If someone crosses over your line of comfort, step back. You have a right to your personal space and to define how large or small it is. By stepping back or moving to the other side of a counter or desk, you maintain a proper distance. Be aware, though, that this action may come across as passive, especially to someone who is aggressive or who comes from an aggressive culture. Alternatively, stand your ground and put your hands on your hips, which indicates that you’re holding the line.
maintain a Professional appearance A professional appearance contributes to assertive nonverbal communication (ANC). In the united States, appearance is one of the three most important nonverbal messages you send. The other two are your handshake and eye contact. Appearance involves dress, hairstyle, grooming, and such things as makeup and jewelry. Assertive people dress appropriately for their work and organization. ordinarily, that means either business formal or business casual attire. Accounting firms and financial companies, for example, traditionally require the more formal wear of dark business suits, while the entertainment and advertising industries lean toward the casual. Whatever your work environment, invest in quality clothing that matches the current style. Clothing should have a proper fit and be kept clean and pressed; shoes should be polished. If your work requires a uniform, wear and maintain the uniform according to your organization’s standard. Your hairstyle is another important aspect of your professional appearance. Choose a hairstyle that has a clean-cut look and enhances the positive features of your face. Always keep your hair combed and washed. If you color AMACOM Self Study Program http://www.amaselfstudy.org/
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your hair, use subtle tones. finally, wear tasteful makeup and jewelry if it’s appropriate for your gender and profession. Avoid heavy eye makeup, dangling earrings, and flashy rings that jingle and glitter and distract from your message. remember, your appearance is one of the most important nonverbal communicators. It affects the way people size you up and respond to you, which in turn affects your self-esteem.
give a firm handshake The third component of assertive nonverbal communication or ANC is a firm handshake. A firm handshake is part of the greeting ritual in the united States and in many other nations and its quality sends a strong message about your
xhibit 4-4 Body Language and What It Says to Others
Body Language
Meaning
Crossing the arms across the chest
Often a defensive or nervous posture, but sometimes nothing more than a comfortable position
Touching or scratching the mouth or cheek
Nervous; anxious
Breaking eye contact from the speaker
Possible sign of either disinterest or disagreement with what is being said
Fiddling with something, even when maintaining eye contact with speaker
Possible disinterest
Head tilt while listening
Possible boredom
Looking away from the listener while speaking Speaker may be lying or hiding something Nervous head movements
Anxiety
Smiling with the mouth, but not with the eyes
Submission to the other person
Staring and holding eye contact for a long time, perhaps with eye squinting
Possible aggression
Stepping abnormally close to the other person
Aggression; dominance
Source: Perry McIntosh and Richard Luecke. Interpersonal Communication Skills in the Workplace. (New York: American Management Association, 2008).
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self-confidence to the people whose hands you shake. To shake someone’s hand, grasp his or her hand firmly with your right hand, and pump slightly once or twice while you make direct eye contact. Avoid wildly pumping the hand, greeting the person with a weak or soft handshake, using a crushing grasp, or placing your left hand on the person’s arm while you shake (except when you know the person well). Your hand should also be dry and warm to the touch. If you tend to perspire a lot when you’re nervous, dry your hands before you meet someone. If your hands are chronically cold to the touch, warm them up by rubbing them together or on your clothing. (of course, do this only if you’re out of the person’s line of sight or before you enter the room.) A weak, sweaty, or cold handshake can get in the way of making a strong first impression. So practice your handshake with friends and co-workers you trust. use their feedback to hone this greeting ritual.
use Direct eye Contact In addition to having a professional appearance and a firm handshake, use direct eye contact to engage others. look the other person in the eye for several seconds or for a period of time that feels natural and comfortable to you. Then, break away briefly and re-engage. However, avoid constant, piercing eye contact because that makes people feel uncomfortable. Direct eye contact combined with direct language is a powerful combination that will make you come across as a straight-forward, confident, nononsense person—the kind of individual other people are more apt to pay attention to and whose ideas they’re more likely to accept. Eye Contact and Shyness If you’re so shy that you find direct eye contact difficult, challenge yourself to recall the eye color of the people you meet and talk with during the day. To accomplish this, you must look into their eyes. This trick may help you get past your shyness. Eye Contact in a Small Group In the workplace, it’s common to talk with two or three people in meetings, in hallway conversations, at lunch, and in other situations. When you’re in a small group, make direct eye contact with everyone. Avoid favoring one person with most or all of your attention. If you do, the others may feel slighted, perhaps resentful. It makes sense if you’re talking in a group to have longer and more frequent eye contact with your boss. After all, this shows respect for his or her position and is appropriately assertive, but don’t do this at the neglect of others. Eye Contact with a Large Group If you’re speaking to a large group of people, make direct eye contact with individuals or sections of your audience instead of looking over their heads or toward the back of the room. look into the eyes of one person (or address a group of people) for two to three seconds, then move on until you have included all areas of the room. once you’ve done that, move in the other direc-
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tion from person to person (or from small section to small section). This lends smoothness and flow to your eye contact and makes a personal connection with the audience. It takes time and practice to learn how to do this while giving a presentation. once you’ve mastered this technique, your audience will be more receptive both to you and to what you have to say. Distracting Eye Movements Certain eye movements can get in the way of your message and assertiveness, and it’s best to avoid them. for example, excessive blinking can make you appear nervous or insecure. rolling your eyes will make you seem dismissive or contemptuous. If you shift your eyes, you may look like you’re lying and are therefore, untrustworthy.
use good Posture Many of us remember our parents and teachers grumbling at us about our poor posture during our adolescent years; they’d scold: “Stand up straight. Pull your shoulders back. Tuck in your stomach.” And they were right. good posture counts as it affects how people think of us. When you practice good posture, you look confident and centered as you stand, sit, and walk. When You Stand Standing up straight goes right to the core of a good posture. Keep your shoulders back and down, and your chest out. Tuck in your stomach. Balance your stance by putting your weight equally on both feet. (Bending your knees a bit will help you do this.) In profile, your body should form a straight, vertical line from head to toe. It should look natural and relaxed. Here are some things to avoid when you stand: Avoid hunching or rounding your shoulders, shifting your weight from foot to foot, standing with your ankles crossed, scratching your leg with your foot, dancing around, pacing back and forth, leaning against the wall or table, and so on. These actions portray you as nervous and insecure. In addition, avoid standing with a rigid posture as people may view you as tense and aggressive. By the same token, avoid standing with your chin tilted up as you talk with others. They may see you as arrogant and imperious. Practice your stance in front of a full-length mirror. Take a look at yourself facing forward and in profile, and adjust your posture accordingly. When You Sit good sitting posture also conveys self-confidence. Sit up straight with your hips back in the chair and your feet flat on the floor. You may put one leg in front of the other for a natural look. Hold your hands in your lap, face down on your thighs, or comfortably on a table. Here are some things to avoid when you sit: Avoid slouching in your chair, sitting on the edge of your chair, shifting or rocking in your chair, leaning toward one side or the other, gripping the arms of the chair, and swiveling the chair. These actions make you look insecure. Avoid crossing your arms as this defensive posture puts a barrier between yourself and the other person.
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In addition, avoid crossing your legs or ankles, because this comes across as too casual for a business setting, and even rude. And by all means, avoid crossing your leg at the knee and shaking your foot. This comes across as too casual, and others may view you as extremely nervous or impatient. finally, avoid sitting in a rigid posture, which suggests that you are tense and inflexible. As with your stance, practice your sitting posture in front of a full-length mirror. You might try this with different types of chairs—a regular chair, an armchair, a swivel chair, and a stool, for example. (If it’s a tall stool, rest your feet on the ledge.) Watch yourself facing the mirror and in profile and then, adjust your posture. When You Walk When you walk, use a natural gait, your shoulders back, and your chin straight. As you move by other people, pass them on the right, while staying your course. Avoid stepping aside if someone moves toward you in your path. That’s passive behavior that will make you appear weak. You have a right to “stand” your ground. on the other hand, you may decide to move out of the way because you want to be polite and that’s important to you. This is your choice to make. The advice is different for an aggressive person trying to become more assertive. Avoid moving into other people’s paths as they approach them. Instead, stick to your own path, and don’t encroach on those of others. As with standing and sitting, practice your walk in front of a full-length mirror. You can also practice by looking at your reflection in store windows. This will give you a profile of your walking posture—a good perspective to have.
Purposeful gestures To gesture with purpose means moving your arms and hands in natural, wellcoordinated motions that suitably reinforce the words and meaning of your message. They’re not halfhearted or tentative. You commit to each movement completely, yet you do this more or less unconsciously. To put it another way, gestures flow from your message. If you try to plan your gestures ahead of time or think too much about them as you speak, you may become self-conscious. And once you become self-conscious, your gestures become unnatural, stilted, or uncoordinated. gestures should be proportionate to the space. Thus, if you’re in a large room, such as an auditorium, use broader and more sweeping gestures than you would in a small room. otherwise, they will not be noticed. And avoid the following, as they can make you appear uncomfortable or insecure, combative or aggressive:
• • • • •
Nervous, random gestures overuse of gestures Tapping on the table, desk, or podium, playing with objects like pens and paperclips, or jingling things in your pocket, like keys Holding notes or a pen or other objects in your hands (except a pointer) Pounding on the table or podium, gesturing with your fists, or pointing your finger at people
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As with posture, try practicing gestures in front of a full-length mirror. Think of something you want to say to someone at work and then say it aloud. Watch your posture and gestures, and evaluate how your message comes across. repeat the message but adjust your gestures. Then move on to another message, perhaps one that’s more emotional or difficult to convey. Working with a mirror gives you immediate feedback on your body language. It will help you develop purposeful gestures that look natural and that reinforce what you want to say.
Control Your facial expressions facial expression is probably the most powerful form of nonverbal communication. It tells us if people are happy, angry, curious, fearful, and so forth. And we’re generally more trusting of what facial expressions tell us than of spoken words. Your expressions should match the content of your message and the situation at hand. They should also respond appropriately to someone else’s message. To do this, you need to know when to smile, frown, laugh, and so on. You need to know when to have an open expression and when to hide your feelings. You need to know how to control your expressions without looking robotic. Controlling your expressions is especially important during negotiations and performance reviews, and when you have to discipline an employee—or conversely—when you’re being reviewed or receiving negative feedback. To become more assertive in your facial expressions, avoid:
• • • • •
Biting or wetting your lips; both make you come across as nervous and scared. Smiling when you deliver a serious or critical message, or when someone else delivers one; that sends a confusing message. Tightening or jutting your jaw; that comes across as rigid or aggressive. Pursing your lips and flaring your nostrils; both signal anger and aggression. Smirking; it makes you appear arrogant.
You can work on your facial expressions in front of a full-length, bedroom, or bathroom mirror. Think of something you want to tell a colleague at work and practice it, monitoring and adjusting your facial expression as you speak. Think of how your colleague might respond. Watch and adjust your facial expression as you “listen” to the response. Now, here’s the big test. Practice a more difficult communication, such as asking your manager for a raise or time off. What internal feelings did you have as you spoke? Were you nervous, timid, or afraid? How well did you mask those emotions? finally, think of a message where an open expression is appropriate, such as praising a co-worker and practice it. How does you face look when you deliver this message versus the more difficult one? Continue to work on your facial expression by delivering a variety of messages.
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effective vocal Delivery How you speak can be as important as what you say. Effective vocal delivery requires attention to resonance, volume, energy level, tone, speaking rate, fluency, enunciation, and inflection. Resonance Some people are born with the resonant voice of a radio announcer and they’re often the envy of the rest of us. Yet, most people have more than adequate voices that with fine-tuning can serve them well in the workplace and in other areas of their lives. Very few people have an irritating voice. Those who do can usually get help from vocal coaches. How can you speak in richer and rounder tones? The answer is breath support and voice placement. If you’ve ever taken acting or singing lessons, you’ve had experience with both. Breath support begins with breathing from your diaphragm as well as your lungs. The diaphragm is a membrane that separates the abdomen and chest. When you breathe deeply, it fills with air and supports your voice. To know if you’re breathing from your diaphragm, put your hands on the sides of your torso with your fingers facing backwards, just below your ribcage. Take a deep breath through your nose. You should feel your torso expand on both sides and toward your back. If you don’t, you may be taking a shallow breath that uses only your lungs. Now, try again until you feel the air expand your diaphragm. Deep breathing is a good way to relax your muscles when you’re nervous. In addition to breath support, you can enhance vocal quality through proper voice placement. A lot of people speak as if their voice is trapped at the back of their throat. This produces a guttural sound that lacks volume. others speak with a nasal quality, which ironically means they’re not using their nose. (If you pinch your nostrils while speaking, you’ll know what nasal sounds like.) Proper placement feels as if you’re throwing your voice forward past the roof of your mouth through your nose and cheekbones toward listeners. Moving your voice forward in this way takes advantage of resonating effect of the structure of the bones and facial cavities. Do this and you will hear a difference in vocal quality. use an audio recorder to work on your vocal resonance. Speak a common saying like “a penny saved is a penny earned” with your typical delivery. Now, take a deep breath and speak it again as you visualize your voice moving forward. replay what you’ve recorded and note the difference between the first and second delivery. Keep practicing until your voice resonates with confidence and power. Volume When you speak up, speak out! What is the benefit of having a fantastic idea if people can’t hear it? If you speak too softly, people will have to strain to hear and you will come across as timid and passive. Also, match the volume of your voice to the size of the room. for example, if you take part in a meeting in a large conference room, you’ll talk louder than you would in a one-onone encounter in a small office. Wherever you are, use strong breath support
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and throw your voice forward, as you did in creating a more resonant sound. At first, it may feel to you like you’re shouting, even in private conversations. But resist the temptation to go back to your quiet self. If, on the other hand, you generally speak at a volume that would shatter safety glass, you’re coming across as bombastic and aggressive. You’ll need to tone it down. As you gain more experience, you’ll learn how to raise or lower the volume of your voice for dramatic affect. This will add a surprise element to your delivery that will help get and keep people’s attention and also get your points across in a more powerful way. finally, avoid dropping your voice as you reach the end of your sentences, presentations, and speeches. Some people drop their volume when they feel nervous or self-conscious. How you end is vital to the success of your communication. It’s the last thing people hear, and it remains in their memory. To be confident about what you have to say, always end strong. It will help to practice speaking out, toning down, and varying the volume of your voice with an audio recorder. Energy Speaking with energy is not the same as speaking loudly; it’s about showing passion and enthusiasm (Arredondo, 1991). A listless voice comes across as if the speaker doesn’t care. This speaker will fail to rally listeners to his or her cause or maintain their attention. Speaking with energy, however, demonstrates that what you say matters to you and, by extension, that it should matter to others. “Enthusiasm is contagious,” writes lani Arredondo in How to Present Like a Pro, “Your audience will catch it from you” (Ibid.). If you don’t believe it, practice speaking with passion and watch how your enthusiasm infects others. As with other aspects of your voice, use an audio recorder to practice vocal energy. Tone Voice tone communicates emotions and should conform to your message, to the situation, and to your listeners. You would not use a cheerful voice for a somber message, for example, or a strident voice for a compliment. In this respect, the use of vocal tone is similar to facial expressions. You need to know when and how to mask your emotions and when and how to reveal them with your voice tone. In being assertive, you must have command of your voice, while you stay true to yourself and respectful of others. In other words, you must avoid allowing your voice to be overtaken by emotions—unless it’s appropriate. If, for instance, your voice sounds choked up or shaky when you state an idea in a meeting or respond to criticism, you come across as frightened and timid. In contrast, if your voice sounds choked up or shaky when you speak at a memorial service for a colleague, you will seem moved and compassionate— both appropriate to the situation. If you were to stifle your feelings in that situation, you’d come across as cold or heartless. In being assertive, let your tone of voice project your inner confidence and trustworthiness. As with other aspects of your voice, use an audio recorder to practice your © American Management Association. All rights reserved. http://www.amanet.org/
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tone. Think of situation at work that provokes strong feelings within you, then craft a response. Is this a situation in which your voice should mask your emotions? If so, aim for a tone that sounds calm and in control. on the other hand, should your voice reveal your emotions in this situation? If so, go for a tone sounds true to the situation and yourself. Continue practicing messages that have strong underlying emotions. listen to the playback and adjust your tone. Speaking Rate on average, people speak between 125 and 150 words per minute (Kiely, 1997). Within that range, they sound confident and natural. once their rate exceeds that range, speakers sound insecure, as if they can’t wait to get to the finish line. Their listeners can’t wait, either, because they’re exhausted from the ride. on the other hand, people who speak too slowly appear unsure of what words to use, which does not inspire confidence in their listeners. To avoid racing through your messages—or dragging through them— have confidence that you have something valuable to say, and that what you’re telling people matches the occasion. You can build that confidence by knowing your material well and by having reasons to back up what you say. Practice your speaking rate by using an audio recorder, but avoid counting the words. Instead, listen to the playback and judge whether your speed sounds natural. Then, make adjustments as needed. Fluency fluency is a measure of how well your voice flows from one thought to the next. for the most part, your delivery should be smooth, with natural pauses between clauses and sentences. These pauses work in much the same as they do in writing, where commas, semicolons, colons, and periods indicate the length of a pause. In writing, the period stands for a longer pause than a comma. It’s the same when speaking; you’ll pause longer at the end of a sentence and a paragraph than you will between an opening clause or phrase and the rest of the sentence. Your goal should be to have a natural flow to your voice, just as you aim for a natural speaking rate. To have a fluent style, avoid jamming sentences together. Doing so will allow your listeners to absorb the points you’re making. “run-on” speaking makes you appear nervous and insecure or aggressive, as if pausing might give someone a chance to jump in and challenge your point. Avoid long and unnatural pauses between words and sentence fragments as these create a choppy delivery that makes you sound unsure of yourself. In addition, avoid filler expressions such as “um” and “uh,” and filler words, such as “like” and “you know.” fillers get in the way of a fluent delivery and obscure the message. When you feel an “um” or any other filler on the tip on your tongue, pause briefly instead. This will sound like a natural break to your listeners, even if it feels like a gap to you. once you develop a natural speaking rate, use an audio recorder to practice. record and play back your message. focus specifically on the rhythm and flow of your words. They should sound smooth and conversational and be filler-free. Count the number of “ums” and other fillers and eliminate them in follow-up recordings. AMACOM Self Study Program http://www.amaselfstudy.org/
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Enunciate with Clarity Enunciation (or articulation) has to do with the clarity of speaking. When you enunciate well, listeners can clearly understand every word you say. As a child, you may have had fun practicing tongue-twisters like “Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers” in order to practice your “P’s” or “She sells seashells by the seashore” to practice your “S’s and “E’s.” You may have honed your vowels with rhymes like, “How now brown cow.” These exercises were helpful because you had to open your mouth and relax your jaw in order to do them well—a technique that works at any age. Both opening your mouth and relaxing your jaw, along with the correct pronunciation of consonants and vowels, helps ensure stronger enunciation. Here are some things to avoid:
• •
Mumbling or slurring your words; these make you come across as careless, shy, or intimidated. over-punctuating consonants; these make you appear stiff and aggressive, or as tentative and overly concerned with making a mistake.
If you have a speech impediment, such as a stutter, lisp, or the inability to pronounce a particular letter or combination of letters, or a foreign or regional accent, you may feel insecure about speaking. This insecurity can affect your quest to become more assertive. You may find it helpful to work with a speech therapist or coach. Again, practice with an audio recorder. Deliver a message you want to say to someone at work, either one-on-one or in a meeting, then play back the recording. How distinctly did you speak? Did you mumble or slur words together? Were you overly precise to the point of sounding insecure? rerecord your message and keep practicing until your words are crisp and clear. Inflection Inflection is the variation in the pitch of your voice. When you speak with inflection, your voice sounds lively and ebullient, instead of flat and dull. In general, when you speak with passion about a topic, vocal inflection will follow. Your voice will ring with a variety of pitches that sound natural, rather than pre-planned. In other words, inflection is not something you chart out ahead of time; it bubbles up and out from within. How much you vary your pitch should depend on the audience and on the situation. The key is to sound natural. for example, use strong vocal variety in meetings and during presentations to keep the audience interested and alert. In an employee performance review, though, especially if you’re giving negative feedback, tone down your inflection and speak in a flatter voice. Too much vocal variety in this situation might detract from the seriousness of the situation.
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Tip: inflection • Avoid a sing-song delivery; that is, a pattern of predictable pitches. Aside from annoying your audience, it will make you come across as uncomfortable or nervous. • Do not stress the wrong words in sentences or the wrong syllables in words. It makes you sound uncoordinated and out of sync with your message. • Avoid a monotone voice; that is, a voice that lacks pitch variation. It will make you come across as uninvolved and disinterested. • Avoid raising your pitch at the end of a sentence that’s not a question. Some people do this when they want to be collaborative and considerate. If you want to send that nonverbal message, go ahead. But be aware that your listener may view you as tentative. using an audio recorder is also an excellent way to practice vocal inflection. record a message you’d like to deliver in a meeting or presentation. listen to the playback to hear how well you vary your pitch. Adjust and re-record your message. Then, record a message to someone whose behavior you’d like to change. Play it back to hear if your pitch reflects the more authoritative nature of the message. If you need to work more on inflection, re-record your messages and keep practicing.
Exercise 4-3 Putting the Components of Assertive Nonverbal Communication Together In this exercise, you’ll put together key components of assertive nonverbal communication (ANC). You’ll dress in business formal wear and do an exercise that involves a sit-down discussion. Use a video camera to record a discussion between you and another person in the workplace (a volunteer). If you have a tripod, you’ll need only one person to help with this exercise. (Set the camera on the tripod and punch the record button before you begin.) If you don’t have a tripod, you’ll need two people: one to act as your discussion partner and another to operate the video camera. (Use a still camera and tape recorder as a substitute, if you don’t have a video camera.) You and the other person should sit in two chairs that face each other, yet angled slightly toward the camera. Adjust the camera to record both of you from just above the ankles to a few inches above the top of the head. Once the camera has begun recording, hold a give-and-take discussion that lasts from three to five minutes. Then, stop the video recorder. Wait until you’re alone to evaluate your nonverbal communication performance. Then, follow these steps: 1. Rewind the video and press the mute button on your television or remote control. 2. Play back the sit-down discussion without sound. 3. Watch straight through without taking notes. 4. Replay the video and fill in a description of each category of assertive nonverbal communication, except “Effective vocal delivery.” You may stop and start, or use the pause button to do this. 5. Once you’ve filled in a category, determine if your nonverbal communication is passive (P), aggressive (Ag), or assertive (A) and place an “X” or checkmark in the appropriate column. Exercise 4-3 continues on next page. AMACOM Self Study Program http://www.amaselfstudy.org/
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Exercise 4-3 continued from previous page. 6. Next, go back to the beginning of the tape and replay it with the sound on. 7. Fill in the “Effective vocal delivery” category and determine if your speaking style (not the content of your message) is passive, aggressive, or assertive. 8. Then, listen to what you say (your content) to evaluate if your verbal and nonverbal communication are in sync. Sit-Down Discussion Use of space
Description of Behaviors
I appear to be within the proper boundaries here.
Professional appearance Eye contact Posture
I’m slouching.
Purposeful gestures Controlled facial expressions Effective vocal delivery a. Resonance b. Volume c. Energy d. Tone e. Speaking rate f. Fluency g. Enunciation h. Inflection As a final step in this exercise, complete the sections below. Observations/Comments:
What I will do to improve:
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Ag
A
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a NoNverbal CommuNiCaTioN JourNal Much can be learned by keeping a journal in which you record daily examples of nonverbal communication. Journal-keeping forces a person to reflect on things that happened during the day. You probably don’t have the time or interest to do this every day, but try doing one day of each week for a month. Select any day of the week to make your entry, for example on Tuesdays, then visit your journal at the end of each Tuesday in each of the next four or five weeks. reflect back on the encounters you had during the day to determine if you:
• • • • • • • • •
looked professional in your appearance. Made direct eye contact. Shook hands firmly. Spoke with appropriate volume, energy, and fluidity. used appropriate space. Stood, sat, and walked with good posture. gestured with purpose. used the proper voice tone. Controlled your facial expressions.
Comment on these in your journal. Note what you did well and what you need to work on, then keep practicing. remember, you can also ask for feedback from friends and co-workers whom you trust.
Think About It . . . If you’re a manager, does your body language, tone of voice, and eye contact send metamessages that employees might misinterpret? Explain.
Do you use a different nonverbal communication style with your employees than you do with your peers and superiors? If so, is each style appropriate?
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Think About It continued from previous page. If you are not a manager, but a team member, do you use a different style of nonverbal communication with your co-workers than you do with your manager? If so, is that style appropriate? Is it assertive or passive? Explain.
aligN Your verbal aND NoNverbal CommuNiCaTioN We noted in the first pages of this chapter that communication has three elements: what you say, how you say it, and what the listener sees (body language). Communication is most effective when these three elements are aligned—that is, when they send the same message. When your words say one thing, but your voice volume and tone and body language all say another, the listener receives a mixed and confusing message. To appreciate how alignment happens, consider the following situation in which a subordinate achieves positive alignment among the three elements of communication. As you read this story, picture yourself in a similar situation. Silvia’s manager called her into his office. “Silvia,” said ralph, “I have an assignment I want to discuss with you. Please sit down.” As she sat, Silvia leaned forward in her chair and faced her boss directly. She looked at ralph with a slight smile. She opened her hands in front of her, as if to say, “I’m open. let me hear what you have to say.” “Silvia, we need to find out what added services our best customers might be looking for, and I need someone who can design a survey questionnaire, get them out to the right people, and analyze customer responses once we get them. Can you take that on this month?” Silvia nodded affirmatively. “I can do it this month if I put one other project on the back burner.” She continued with a quizzical look on her face, “What type of customer responses are you looking for: quantitative or anecdotal?” ralph raised his eyebrows. “good question. What would you recommend?” Silvia leaned forward and spoke in an even, assertive voice, and with a confident look on her face. “I believe that a combination of the two would work best,” she said raising two fingers toward ralph, © American Management Association. All rights reserved. http://www.amanet.org/
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“Some people in this company respond best to data, while others like to hear customer response in their own words.” “good idea,” said ralph with a broad smile. “Makes sense to me—get to it!” “Will do,” said Silvia enthusiastically, standing to go. Then she paused and took a step closer to her boss. “ralph, what sort of delivery date are you thinking about for this job? My calendar is pretty packed right now,” she said, holding her hands upward, as if supporting a load of work, and opening her eyes wider. “Well,” responded ralph, “How about one month from today.” “You’ve got it,” Silvia said loudly with a broad smile and a clenched fist thrust forward. “I’ll have it done by then.” In this example, Silvia very successfully aligned what she said with how she said it, and supported both with nonverbal cues. This is exactly what you must do as you work toward becoming a more assertive communicator at work. Tip: be Yourself Here’s a final tip that you should take to heart. Your nonverbal language should reflect the kind of person other people understand you to be. If you depart too much—in voice, posture, inflection—from what they already understand about you, they will question your genuineness: “What’s with Bob? Has he been taken over by space aliens?” for instance, if you are known as an even-tempered person—someone whose range of displayed emotions doesn’t swing very far in either direction—overdoing your emotional display will seem artificial and insincere to co-workers. As you try out new techniques, be sure to integrate them into your current style of non-verbal communication which will create better alignment. Don’t behave as through you are someone else!
In this chapter, you learned that face-to-face messages have three elements: what you say, how you say it (such as voice tone and volume), and the nonverbal body language shown to the listener. The latter two forms of nonverbal communication recap account for the largest portion of the face-to-face messages you send—38 percent and 55 percent respectively, according to one study. You also learned that if your visual and vocal messages contradict the words you say, people will be swayed more by the nonverbal than verbal part of your message. That’s why you need to maintain alignment between what you say, how you say it, and your body language. Many of the nonverbal cues you send (or receive from others) have either passive, aggressive, or assertive characteristics. for example, a person in a passive mode tends to avoid eye contact, keep his or her head low, and speak in AMACOM Self Study Program http://www.amaselfstudy.org/
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a low voice. An assertive person in the same situation will maintain eye contact, have erect posture, and speak with a strong, well-modulated voice. Six dimensions of nonverbal communication were presented and explained: body movement, body contact (touching), eye contact, interpersonal space, silence, and paralanguage. While many aspects of nonverbal communication are universal, such as smiling, others are culturally influenced. Body movement includes gestures, facial expressions, posture, and mannerisms. Erratic gestures, for example, usually correlate with lack of confidence. Body contact is commonly shown through handshakes and other forms of touching, some of which may be perceived as aggressive. The rules of eye contact vary with cultures. In the united States, Britain, Canada, and in Northern and Eastern Europe, people expect direct eye contact with others. Staring at another person is considered aggressive while the lack of direct eye contact as viewed as a passive. How people use interpersonal space provides another indication of whether they are passive, aggressive, or assertive. Cultural anthropologist, Edward T. Hall characterized the use of space into four categories—intimate, personal, social, and public—with each defined by the distance from a particular individual. To be an assertive person, you must both defend your space boundaries from invasion by others, and be sensitive to the space requirements of the people you interact with. Silence has nonverbal qualities. leaving too much of a silence gap between one person’s statement and your response may give a signal that you are unsure of yourself. on the other hand, maintaining a gap of silence between another person’s outburst and your reply may make you appear calm, cool, and in control. Paralanguage involves all vocal aspects of messages that we do not express in words: voice tone, speaking rate, inflection, volume, energy level, pitch, accent, fluency, and so on. laughing and crying are examples of paralanguage, as are the “uh-huh” and “like” fillers that populate our communication with others. The chapter also advises readers to keep a journal in which he or she records daily workplace experiences with nonverbal communication. Keeping a journal forces a person to consciously reflect on things that happened during the day and how he or she handled them. finally, alignment between the three elements of communication—what we say, how we say it, and the nonverbal cues associated with each—was underscored in a case example.
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Review Questions 1. The business phrase “arm’s-length relationship” relates to:
1. (a)
2. Which of the following nonverbal cues indicate passive behavior?
2. (c)
3. Metacommunication is the:
3. (c)
4. When talking with others in a small group, you should:
4. (a)
5. According to research conducted by Dr. Albert Mehrabian, the verbal
5. (c)
(a) the far phase of personal space. (b) intimate space. (c) public space. (d) the near phase of social space.
(a) Controlled voice, direct eye contact, back slapping, interrupting (b) Constant eye contact, tight jaw, stiff body language, inappropriate touch (c) fidgeting, looking down, rapid speech, slumping posture (d) Professional appearance, firm handshake, fluid speech, good posture (a) long-term meaning of a message. (b) larger-then-life meaning of a message. (d) implied meaning of a message beyond the actual words. (e) carefully crafted syntax of a message. (a) make direct eye contact with each person, without favoring one at the expense of others. (b) avoid making direct eye contact with anyone. (c) make direct eye contact with the most powerful person in the group most of the time. (d) direct your communication to the person in the center of the group. part of a message accounts for _________ percent of what a listener perceives. (a) 38 (b) 93 (c) 7 (d) 55
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assertiveness opportunities at Work Learning Objectives By the end of this chapter, you should be able to:
• Identify seven actions for developing positive •
visibility at work. Discuss the connection between assertiveness and taking responsibility for one’s performance.
Now that you understand how to be assertive—through your speech, nonverbal cues, and so forth—the next challenge is to identify and exploit opportunities to demonstrate assertive behavior where you work. This chapter will show you how to create a more positive and visible presence in your professional life. Here you’ll find seven practical actions you can take toward that goal. One involves creating a daily action plan. The other major section of this chapter is about taking ownership, or responsibility, for one’s successes and failures at work. People who do this are viewed as strong, confident, and assertive. As in other chapters, you’ll find exercises and Think About It segments that challenge you to respond to what you’ve learned.
Developing positive visibility at Work Have you noticed how passive people seem to blend into the background in the shop or at the office? They’re quiet and agreeable, and they don’t call attention to themselves. They go about their tasks more or less invisibly without © American Management Association. All rights reserved. http://www.amanet.org/
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making waves, voicing dissent, or speaking up. Although many of these individuals do their work very well, they don’t always make the cut when the boss is passing out promotions or plum assignments. Has this been your experience? like everyone else, these unassertive folk crave recognition for their good work—recognition is an important human need—and are frustrated when all they get is a pat on the head and some words of praise added to their annual performance reviews (which disappear into the personnel file). These loyal “worker bees” notice others passing them by and wonder why. “What’s so special about her?” “He’s just a self-promoter,” they often complain. Are you one of these hard-working but invisible people in your organization? On the other end of the continuum, there are aggressive people who behave and communicate in ways that call attention to themselves. They scream, badger, and bully. They dress down co-workers and subordinates in front of others. They are competitive in the extreme. for them, work life is a zerosum game in which anyone’s gain must produce a loss for someone else. Consequently, winning is a must for them. Is this how people at work view you? The point of these descriptions is not to typecast people, but to suggest that being passively invisible or gaining visibility through aggressive behavior won’t benefit your career in the long run. The long-run winners in the modern workplace are those who achieve positive visibility. Positive visibility means that they and their work are noticed, that they stand out from the crowd, and that they have a positive aura. In this section, you’ll learn about seven actions that can help you create positive visibility where you work. These seven assertive actions are:
1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7.
speak up and share your views. Disagree agreeably. Participate actively in meetings. Be your own best champion. Handle compliments with grace. look at constructive criticism as a self-improvement opportunity. Create and following a daily assertiveness plan.
action #1: speak Up and share your views If you’re on the passive side of assertiveness, you need to raise your profile. You must become more visible in a positive way. The first action step toward doing that is to speak up and share your views when appropriate opportunities present themselves. By appropriate, we mean whenever your interests are at stake and whenever you have something positive to contribute. Begin with safe, informal encounters, such as spontaneous conversations with people you trust at work, conversations in the hallway, at lunch, and at the photocopy machine. use assertive communication to let people know, in a positive and direct way, what you think about the topics being discussed. Ask questions to show that you’re involved and interested. stand out by bringing a new idea into the mix, or by politely changing the direction of the conversation. Avoid, however, the temptation to initiate gossip or spread rumors. You want to be associated with positive ideas and issues. AMACOM Self Study Program http://www.amaselfstudy.org/
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Once you’ve become used to speaking up with people you know and feel comfortable with, widen your circle. share your ideas and views with people with whom you feel less comfortable, perhaps your supervisor or manager. There’s no rush here; do this at a pace that works for you. If you’re on the aggressive side of the assertiveness scale, keep in mind that the key word is “share.” Conversations are give-and-take encounters; state your views without taking over the airwaves or trying to overwhelm other views. Demonstrate support for things that matter to you, but also show an interest in the views of others and what matters to them. let others “give” and allow yourself to “take.” resist the temptation to do all the talking. And when others have the floor, listen with your full attention.
Exercise 5-1 Breaking Out of Passivity Are you are a passive, staying-in-the-background sort of person, even when people discuss workrelated matters that involve you? It’s time to move away from that position and assume some positive visibility. Start by imagining yourself doing what Action #1 advises. Imagine that you’re taking a coffee break with your supervisor and two co-workers. Your supervisor begins talking about a work matter that involves you directly. Describe one such work matter that involves you now:
As you sit at the table, and think back to the previous chapter, describe the posture and facial expression you would use to demonstrate interest and assertiveness as you listen to your supervisor talk:
Your supervisor has finished his or her remarks and is looking for a response from someone at the table. His or her eyes meet yours, as if to say, “What do you think about that?” You begin your verbal response. What facial, body, and hand movements would make your response visible and assertive?
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action #2: participate actively in Meetings Once you feel comfortable speaking up in a small group, you’re ready for the second action step, which is to take part in meetings where you speak to more people and where more is at stake. You may feel tentative and anxious about this at first, especially if you’re used to holding back your thoughts and quietly listening to what others have to say. Your first attempts at participating may not come out the way you intend, but, like any skill, regular practice will make them better. Try to do the following whenever opportunities to speak up at meetings present themselves:
• • • •
express your ideas during brainstorming sessions. Add to other people’s ideas, such as “We could take sarah’s good idea a step further by . . . .” state your opinions or express a contrary view, along with supporting arguments, such as “I disagree. In fact, we should do just the opposite. And here’s why . . . .” Ask questions, such as “I want to be sure that I understand your position. Would you explain how your plan will benefit our customers?”
One thing to avoid, though, is to simply repeat what someone has already said. People view that as a waste of time. If you’re on the aggressive side of the assertiveness scale, you may have a habit of interrupting others during meetings, out-shouting them, talking over their conversations, or other unpleasant behaviors. You now have the tools to be direct without being hurtful or rude. Try out those tools and observe the response. You may find that now people are more willing to listen to your ideas and engage in dialogue, whereas before they silently crossed their arms, resisted what you had to say, or responded in some other negative way. Preparation, of course, will give this action step a tremendous boost, particularly if other people are in the habit of coming to meetings unprepared. Preparation will make you feel more comfortable and confident; it will also give you more ammunition when discussion begins. The meeting agenda is your best tool for preparation. If the meeting leader hasn’t sent an agenda of discussion topics, ask for one. Then, review the topics and prepare thoroughly. Doing so will provide you with the information that you need to speak with confidence and to support your views. A prepared meeting participant makes a good impression, especially when other participants are simply “winging it.” Assertive and prepared participation in meetings is an excellent way to gain positive visibility in your organization.
action #3: Disagree agreeably You also gain positive visibility when you express a well-reasoned contrary viewpoint or an alternative course of action without putting others down— in other words, when you disagree agreeably. You have a right to assert your view on issues that matter to you. And you should aim to win—but not by destroying or mocking people who hold an opposing view. That’s what ag-
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gressive people often do, and that behavior often leads to their eventual undoing. Think of how you’d respond if someone said, “That’s not right and, furthermore, it’s a stupid idea.” There would be a visceral reaction: your muscles would stiffen, your jaw would tighten, and your heart rate would rise. You’d have a negative view of that person and probably tell yourself, “This isn’t a person I’ll do business with again.” frank discussion of issues is healthy and valuable while disagreeable arguments are not. They polarize people and undermine united effort. Organizations are weakened when people who should be working together separate themselves into hostile camps. Here are examples of statements you can use to make a disagreeing statement without being disagreeable:
• • • • • • •
use (but don’t overuse) “I” statements: “ray, I’m concerned about the eagerness to sign this contract. The bid seems off-target. XYZ has a reputation for lowballing estimates and then billing for cost overruns. so, can we agree to put out more rfPs?” “That’s an interesting idea. Would you also consider_____________?” “I’d like to express another viewpoint.” “Here’s another way to look at it.” “let’s also explore the flip side.” “That’s one possibility. Another option would be to______________.” “What if we ____________________________________________?”
expressing disagreement can create conflict, which is why so many people avoid taking issue with their boss or co-workers. Conflict can be emotional, create stress, and may create a contest that a person could lose. Nevertheless, a certain level of conflict is necessary if organizations (and individuals) aim to stay sharp. The use of non-judgmental and disagreeing statements like the ones you’ve just read can keep conflict at a healthy level.
action #4: be your own best Champion The fourth action step for gaining positive visibility is to be your own best champion. That means standing up for yourself and what matters to you and not waiting for others to speak up in your behalf. This action differs from forming alliances in pursuit of common goals or enlisting the help of others to get a project done. even when you have allies, you need to stand up for yourself when the issue is about you. Consider this example: Harold is upset that his manager routinely assigns the department’s most interesting and important projects to a particular co-worker instead of to him. That co-worker has less experience and time with the company than Harold. rather than confront his boss, however, Harold privately shares his frustrations with his closest friends in the department. since few things remain private in organizations, the manager eventually hears about Harold’s complaints. “If this matters so much to Harold,” she won© American Management Association. All rights reserved. http://www.amanet.org/
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ders, “why hasn’t he spoken to me about it?” The manager begins to think of Harold as weak, lacking in confidence, even untrustworthy—hardly traits that will inspire her to give him an important project. How could Harold have handled this matter in a more assertive manner? Harold could have requested a meeting with the manager, during which he would describe his concern. He could have pointed out the tasks he had been performing and their results. He could have described the value that his skills and experience contribute to the department and company. equally important, he could have emphasized his interest in taking on new challenges and greater responsibility. Ideally, Harold would have ended by asking, “I’m interested in more challenging assignments. What do I have to do to get them?” That kind of frank talk would put the ball in the manager’s court. she would have to either give him the next plum assignment or have a very good reason for not doing so. In any case, she would surely think of Harold differently: as an assertive person with serious interests and requirements whom she should take more seriously. Note that Harold didn’t mention the co-worker who was getting all of the good assignments. Instead, he talked about his own strengths and value. An aggressive person, in contrast, would likely oversell himself or herself, compare his or her skills and value to the other employee, and create unproductive tension between himself or herself and the boss. There’s a thin line between an appropriate and inappropriate ways of being your own best champion. Be careful not to cross it. tip: on being Frank The Middle english term “frank” is often defined as being forthright and open in expressing one’s feeling or thoughts. “Candid” is one of its synonyms. Though we haven’t used the term until now, frankness is a quality we find in assertive people. When assertive people think that someone’s being unfair (say, in giving out desirable assignments), they tell that person. When an assertive supervisor notices someone doing sloppy work, she won’t mince words in calling attention to the problem: “Bill, this work isn’t up to our standards. What’s the problem?” Many people dance around the truth when confronting others on difficult issues—afraid to offend or fearful of generating conflict. Assertive people speak frankly and openly about what they see as a problem. They lay it all out in the open where it can be analyzed and discussed objectively. In this way, they contribute to solving the problem. If you want to be assertive, start being open and frank with people in the workplace.
action #5: Handle Compliments with grace What do you do when someone pays you a compliment? Do you brush it aside, act embarrassed and say, “It’s nothing. Jamie did most of the work.” or, “It wasn’t a big deal.”? Or worse, “Well, I didn’t land the Allgood account. so, hold back on the congratulations.” The fifth action step for gaining positive visibility is to handle compliments with grace. Assertive people know how to do this; passive and aggressive AMACOM Self Study Program http://www.amaselfstudy.org/
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people often don’t. A passive person may feel undeserving (which goes back to the self-esteem issue) or feel that to accept praise shows a lack of humility. Or some other conflicted feeling gets in the way, such as not landing the Allgood account. The aggressive person uses a compliment as a form of self-advancement, to the annoyance of co-workers. What’s the assertive way to respond to a compliment? It’s really very simple, you look the other person in the eye, smile, and say, “Thank you.” Offer more if you wish, such as, “Thank you. I appreciate your telling me,” or “Thank you. It means a lot to me,” or “Thank you. It was a challenging project and I’m proud of what we accomplished.” When in doubt, a simple “Thank you” will do. Aggressive, non-assertive people, on the other hand, need to remember the “grace” part of compliment acceptance. They must avoid accepting more credit than they’re due, putting anyone down, or criticizing the person paying the compliment. for example: “Thanks. If it weren’t for me, we wouldn’t have gotten this thing off the ground,” or “Thanks. It was like pulling teeth to get the team engaged, but I managed to pull it off,” or “Thanks. I thought you’d never notice.” These are the types of responses that will bring you down in the esteem of others.
action #6: look at Constructive Criticism as a self-improvement opportunity The other side of a compliment is constructive criticism—with the emphasis on constructive. You already know how to give constructive feedback and how to feed back your feelings to others through objective, positive language. You should now be able to recognize constructive feedback when you’re on the receiving end. Constructive criticism lets you know how you might improve your attitude, behavior, performance, and so on. The goal here is to build you up, not tear you down. Destructive criticism, in contrast, may involve a personal attack (a “you” statement) or a manipulation to make you feel guilty or get you to do something against your will. It’s important to understand the difference between constructive and destructive criticism and to be open to accepting the former without becoming defensive. You may feel uncomfortable (after all it’s about you) and you may experience a visceral reaction, but resist going into denial or into a defensive mode. Consider the following example: The department manager walked into her subordinate’s cubicle and dropped a report on his desk. “I’ve circled five errors in this report,” she began. “errors like these throw off our accounting and damage the department’s reputation. error-proofing is a matter of focus and time management. so next time, start your report earlier, okay? That way you’ll have time to double-check your numbers and run them by sergio before you bump the report up to me.” The subordinate was initially stung by his manager’s words. He’d worked a bruising schedule over the past few weeks. The flu had hit the department © American Management Association. All rights reserved. http://www.amanet.org/
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hard and he had taken up the slack. still, he knew that mentioning this would sound like making excuses. He prided himself on the quality of his work, yet he had to admit that he hadn’t given the report the attention it deserved. so, he agreed with his manager’s “focus and time management” prescription. “Yes, I could manage my time better,” he admitted to himself. The idea of delegating more suddenly occurred to him. “I’ve resisted trusting others with more work and responsibility. Now is the time to change.” Without the manager’s constructive criticism, this subordinate might not have been ready to make a change—to improve. As an assertive person, you must learn to accept (dare we say “welcome”) constructive criticism and use it to improve performance.
action #7: Create a Daily assertiveness plan Many successful and productive people follow a simple maxim: Plan your work, then work your plan. The seventh action step is to create a daily assertiveness plan. eventually, you should be spontaneously assertive, but at this stage a daily plan will help you identify assertiveness opportunities at work and in other areas on your life. As you practice your skills on a regular basis (see exhibit 5-1), they will grow and become healthy habits. Begin with safe, comfortable situations in which to practice assertive behavior and challenge your comfort level incrementally. Plan out your assertiveness opportunities the night before and do this as long as you find this exercise useful. You will probably backslide from time to time. Be willing to forgive yourself when you do. As in dieting, “falling off the wagon” will not mean failure if you get back on the program the next day. Also know that people may not respond to your new assertiveness in ways you’d expect—or like. If you’ve been passive in your relationships, some people may like the “old” you better. They may tell you so, even if that hurts. After all, you were the agreeable person who kept quiet, accommodated, and bit your tongue. That behavior made it easier for them to stand out. resist the temptation to revert to your old behaviors. If you’ve been aggressive in the past, people may be confused about your new behavior. They may continue to walk gingerly around you, waiting for an expected outburst. It will take time to gain the trust of others, so be patient.
Exercise 5-2 Your Daily Assertiveness Plan Worksheet 1. Make several copies of the worksheet below, so that you can fill it out on a daily basis. 2. Identify your daily goals for each category, when applicable. Do this the night before you go to work. 3. At the end of the day, evaluate your results. Remember that increasing your assertiveness skills will take time. Be patient. Exercise 5-2 continues on next page. AMACOM Self Study Program http://www.amaselfstudy.org/
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Exercise 5-2 continued from previous page.
Day
Daily Goal
Results
Monday
Tuesday
Wednesday
Thursday
Friday
If you are not sure what to identify as a daily goal, consider the following examples: Day
Daily Goal
Results
Monday
Ask Kiyoko for a meeting agenda.
Got it. That was easy!
Tuesday
Let Gary know that I’m miffed about his comment that I never stay late.
Gary’s out of town. Try again next week.
Wednesday
Prepare to present my ideas at the weekly sales meeting. Speak with Helen about too many typos.
Went well. Got noticed. Preparation made the difference. Had a good chat. Didn’t come down on her but she knew I meant business.
Thursday
Friday
Tell Fred to stop using my Chickened out! Will try office as a hangout. again next week.
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xhibit 5-1 Seven Action Steps toward Positive Visibility • • • • • • •
Speak up and share your views. Disagree agreeably. Participate actively in meetings. Be your own best champion. Handle compliments with grace. Use constructive criticism as an opportunity for self-improvement. Create a daily assertiveness plan—and follow it!
take responsibility For yoUr perForManCe at Work every one of us can point to those whom we admire as strong and assertive people. Of the individuals you know, which of their traits stand out in your mind? fairness? Honesty? Decisiveness? frankness? Perhaps you’ve noticed something else these people have in common: They take responsibility for their actions and workplace performance, both good and bad. They don’t blame others or make excuses for their lapses and shortcomings. They engage in straight talk, not spin. They don’t try to take credit for the good work of others. People admire them for this assertive behavior, even when they disagree with their perspective. President Harry Truman, for example, earned respect from both his supporters and detractors for his statement that “The buck stops here.” Taking responsibility for your own performance is an essential step toward becoming more assertive. Any time you feel the urge to blame others or to make excuses for your failures and shortcomings, make a conscious choice to take responsibility what you’ve done or failed to do. The pain of doing this is small compared to the toll that evading responsibility will take on your selfesteem, integrity, reputation, and career. Because everyone makes mistakes and occasionally falls short of goals, most people will forgive your shortcomings—if you acknowledge and take responsibility for them. What they won’t forgive or forget is any attempt to “pass the buck,” to blame others, and to evade responsibility for a bad outcome. In their eyes, you’ll be seen as weak, unreliable, and untrustworthy. The more your take responsibility for your performance, the more you’ll feel empowered and worthy of respect. Therefore, if you’re inclined to blame others and make excuses for your mistakes, make a commitment to change that behavior. Taking responsibility for one’s performance is analogous to effective customer service. When a customer lodges a legitimate complaint, it’s important to acknowledge the mistake, the poor service, or whatever motivated the complaint, then find and fix whatever caused it in the first place. You should do
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the same with your personal performance: acknowledge that something turned out badly, find out why it happened, and fix it. let’s look at how this can play out when people fail to take responsibility and then when they seize it. Scenario #1: The unassertive response Troy arrived fifteen minutes late to a meeting with a team of company managers. He tiptoed through the door and stated in a low voice, “I’m really sorry. My alarm didn’t go off this morning. Then, there was an accident on the freeway that backed up traffic for miles. And then I realized my wife had borrowed my cell phone without telling me, which is why I couldn’t contact you. I hope you understand.” Scenario #1: The assertive response Patricia arrived fifteen minutes late to a meeting with a team of managers from her company. she walked through the door briskly and stated in a well-modulated voice, “I’m late and I recognize that your time is valuable. In the future, I’ll hit the freeway earlier, in case there’s an accident. Please accept my apology.” Who comes across as more credibly and assertive in scenario #1, Troy or Patricia? You probably chose Patricia. Although Troy apologized, he wrapped his tardiness in a bundle of excuses and then threw himself upon the mercy of his colleagues. Patricia, on the other hand, took responsibility for her lateness and showed respect for her colleagues’ time. she also indicated what she would do in the future to solve the problem. Her response is strong and assertive while Troy’s is weak and unassertive. Scenario #2: The Unassertive Response Julie was called to the office of the vice President of sales and Marketing to account for the sharp loss of sales volume in the previous six months. Once there, she paced the floor, with one hand on her hip, talking in a shrill voice. “Well, the previous quarters were strong,” she began, “so this is a fluke. The economy’s in a downturn and our competition’s undercutting us. They’re probably losing money on every order just to get the sales away from us. To make matters worse, we never got approval for the new account executive, so we’re all working longer hours. What do people around here expect, miracles? It’d help to have some support around here.” Scenario #2: The Assertive Response ricardo was called to the office of the vice President of sales and Marketing to account for the sharp loss of sales volume in the previous six months. He sat in a chair beside the vice president’s desk, looked him in the eye, and spoke in a calm voice. “Yes, we’ve had two lousy quarters in a row—and it happened on my watch. The economy’s weak and we face stiff competition, © American Management Association. All rights reserved. http://www.amanet.org/
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but we can do better—and we will. Here’s how. first, we’ve begun focusing more on retaining existing customers. second, we’re installing a program that will help the sales team manage prospects more efficiently. finally, we’re looking forward to approval to hire the new account executive. Are you still behind me on that one, Paul?” In scenario #2, who do you think will turn the company’s sales around, Julie or ricardo? Most likely, you’ve picked ricardo. Julie hasn’t accepted responsibility for the sales slump. using the weak economy and competition as excuses, she offers complaints instead of a plan to cure the problem. ricardo, on the other hand, acknowledges that poor performance has happened on his watch. He mentions the slow economy and stiff competition, but only as challenges that his team must surmount. He then describes the steps his team is taking to improve the situation. finally, ricardo presents the issue of the new account executive as an expectation and uses the occasion to confirm Paul’s backing for the new hire.
Think About It . . . Think about a poor outcome for which one of your colleagues has avoided taking responsibility. Describe the outcome and how that person responded. Did he or she make excuses, shift blame, deny or refuse to discuss it, become bullying and aggressive, etc.? What may have influenced this person’s response? Write your answers below.
Now, with your new commitment to assertiveness, revisit the event described above. Put yourself in that person’s shoes. How would you respond to the same situation? What would you say? How would you say it? Write your answers below.
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Think About It continued from previous page.
take Credit for your successes While it’s important to take responsibility for a poor performance, it’s also important to take credit for a successful one. If you’re on the passive side, this may be harder to do than accepting blame when something goes wrong. You may think that taking credit will make you appear boastful and egotistical. It won’t as long as you credit the contributions of others. for example, instead of saying, “We really lucked out in the negotiation I was in charge of,” say, “I’m proud of the way the negotiation turned out. It was my first time in charge and it was a positive experience. I applaud sandra for her outstanding contribution. Her research skills contributed greatly to our success.” Does that sound boastful and egotistical, or does it sound assertive and collaborative? The first approach credited no one, unless you think of luck as a person. The second approach humbly accepted congratulations while acknowledging the excellent performance of another participant (sandra).
Think About It . . . Think about a successful outcome you were involved in at work but for which you avoided taking responsibility. How did you respond? Did you minimize the accomplishment? Did you diminish your own contribution? Did you credit others without crediting yourself, etc.? Why did you respond in this way? Write your answers below.
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Think About It continued from previous page. Now, revisit your successful outcome. We’re giving you a second chance. How will you respond this time around? What will you say to take responsibility without seeming arrogant? How will you say it? Write your answers below.
Don’t take responsibility if it’s not yours As you strive to become more assertive, avoid taking responsibility for an outcome—good or bad—that’s not yours to take. This is also a wise move for your career. People will resent you if you take credit for a positive outcome that belongs to someone else; they’ll disrespect you if you accept blame for something you didn’t do. In general, avoid “falling on your sword” for your boss, a subordinate, a co-worker, or your company. If you’re asked or feel tempted to do this, analyze the pros and cons carefully and strategically. Then, if you decide to go ahead, it’s own your decision.
Exercise 5-3 Helping Your Subordinates Take Responsibility If you are a manager, complete this exercise. If you’re not a manager, put yourself in your manager’s shoes for a moment and do the same. You’re talking with one of your direct reports about a problem that his team has created. This individual, Shawn, leads a sales team that has just lost a big account and is depressed by the loss. He makes no excuses and takes full responsibility for it. You know that many factors were involved in the lost account—strong competition, a less-than-perfect match between your company’s product and the customer’s needs, and inexperience on Shawn’s sales team. In your view, Shawn is a good team leader and not entirely to blame. What advice would you give Shawn about his approach to taking responsibility in this matter?
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Exercise 5-3 continued from previous page.
In this chapter, you learned why it’s important to create positive visibility at work and the actions you can take to achieve that visibility. The chapter began with seven action steps you can take in gaining positive visibility: (1) speaking up and sharrecap ing your views; (2) disagreeing agreeably; (3) participating in meetings; (4) acting as your own best champion; (5) handling compliments with grace; (6) using constructive criticism as an opportunity for self-improvement; and (7) creating a daily assertiveness plan. The second half of the chapter underscored the importance of taking responsibility for your work performance—both failures and successes—and offered examples of how this can be done in ways that will give you a positive and assertive aura. Taking responsibility for your performance at work includes taking credit for your successes and refusing responsibility when it isn’t yours.
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Review Questions 1. An unassertive person is usually inclined not to disagree with
1. (b)
2. An effective way to gain positive visibility in your organization is to:
2. (c)
3. Prepare for active participation in meetings by:
3. (d)
4. Which of the following is an effective way of expressing a
4. (a)
5. In taking responsibility for your performance at work, which of
5. (b)
co-workers because doing so could: (a) make them visible in the organization. (b) create conflict. (c) result in a job change. (d) waste time.
(a) regularly remind people of your accomplishments. (b) dominate conversations. (c) speak up and express your ideas in a clear and direct way. (d) avoid taking a position when opinions are divided.
(a) being spontaneously assertive. (b) arriving at least half an hour early. (c) getting lots of sleep the night before. (d) asking for an agenda and researching the topics. contrary viewpoint? (a) “That’s an interesting idea. Here’s another way we can look at this.” (b) “How could you even consider that? It won’t work.” (c) “Customers might go for that feature. But I’m not convinced.” (d) “On the contrary, I don’t think your plan has merit.”
the following should you avoid? (a) giving credit to others when they deserve it (b) Accepting blame for a poor outcome you didn’t contribute to (c) Taking proper credit for good outcomes you contributed to (d) Apologizing if you’re responsible for a mistake
Do you have questions? Comments? Need clarification? Call Educational Services at 1-800-225-3215 or e-mail at
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6
Addressing the Needs and Interests of Others Learning Objectives By the end of this chapter, you should be able to:
• Evaluate your listening skills. • Identify the three levels of listening. • Identify techniques that will help you explore • •
the needs and interests of others. Identify multicultural barriers to disclosing needs, interests, and concerns. Identify and apply techniques that will help you respond to the needs, interests, and concerns of others.
In the previous chapters, you focused on the first part of the assertiveness equation: standing up for your rights, needs, and interests. This chapter moves on to the second part of the assertiveness equation: how to understand and respond to the needs and interests of others, especially of people you routinely deal with at work. If you are wondering what this has to do with becoming more assertive, here’s the answer: Just as you take a stand for you own rights, needs and interests, other people with whom you work are doing the same. Those things that matter to you don’t stand alone, but exist within a landscape of other, and often competing, personal needs and interests. The more you understand the needs and interests of others, the more you’ll likely get what you want with the least amount of conflict. Negotiators have understood for years that their best assurance for getting what they want is to understand the interests of the opposing party. People’s interests, in the view of master negotiators, are pivotal. In many cases, you, like a savvy negotiator, can create win-win arrangements in which you and other parties attain your separate goals if you can understand their key interests. In contrast, failing to understand the needs and interests of others usually results in conflict that is destructive to relationships and to organizations. © American Management Association. All rights reserved. http://www.amanet.org/
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Once you understand the other person’s interests—and that person understands yours—the two of you will be in a better position to reach an agreement or work together successfully. This is because interests are more powerful than the positions people take.
EvAluAtINg YOur lIstENINg skIlls: A sElf-AssEssmENt Listening is your main pipeline into the needs and interests of others. If you want to be more assertive, be a good listener. That may seem contradictory, as we usually think of listening as a passive activity. Communication experts, however, often refer to “active” listening—that is, the active engagement of one person with what another is saying. How do you rate your skills as a listener? Are you a good or poor listener? Does your mind wander while others are speaking to you, or are you actively engaged with what they are trying to communicate? Do you send signals that the speaker has your full attention? Instead of guessing at the answers to these questions, take the self-assessment test in Exercise 6-1. Then, follow the instructions for totaling and evaluating your score. The results may surprise you.
Exercise 6-1 Listening Self-Assessment Read each statement carefully. Put a check mark under the most appropriate answer, based on the way you typically behave in your work environment.
Behavior
Rarely
Sometimes
Most of the Time
1. I make strong eye contact while the other person is speaking. 2. My mind wanders while the other person is speaking. 3. I paraphrase what the other person has said to ensure that I heard correctly. 4. I give the other person my complete attention while he or she is speaking. 5. I am silent when the other person is speaking.
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Exercise 6-1 continued from previous page. Behavior
Rarely
Sometimes
6. I nod my head and make attending sounds, such as “uh-huh,” while the other person is speaking. 7. If the other person says something I disagree with, I interrupt or cut him or her off. 8. I mentally formulate my response while the other person is still speaking. 9. I take a brief moment of silence to reflect on what the other person has said before responding. 10. I look around at other people or things while the other person is speaking. 11. If I’m upset or anxious about things unrelated to a conversation, that gets in the way of listening. 12. I repeat the other person’s exact words to ensure that I’ve heard correctly. 13. I ask questions that help clarify points the other person is making. 14. I accept cell phone calls during face-to-face conversations. 15. I turn my cell phone off when conversing face-to-face. 16. I listen to the other person’s tone of voice to better understand his or her feelings and meaning. 17. If people speak in a slow or halting way, I jump in and finish their sentences. 18. I try to get determine the other person’s viewpoint and perspective in conversation—especially when we disagree. 19. I stop listening or think of other things once I hear the information I most want to hear. 20. I pay attention to what each person has to say in a meeting so I can add on to it.
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totaling Your score To determine your score for the Listening self-Assessment, follow the steps below: Step 1: for statements 1, 3, 4, 6, 9, 13, 15, 16, 18, and 20, award yourself 10 points for each “Most of the Time” response. give yourself 5 points for each “sometimes”; 0 for each “rarely.” Add up your points for these statements. Your highest possible total score is 100 points. Step 2: for statements 2, 5, 7, 8, 10, 11, 12, 14, 17, and 19, give yourself minus (-) 10 points for each “Most of the Time” response, minus (-) 5 points for each “sometime,” and 0 points for each “rarely.” Add up your points for these statements. Your lowest possible total score is minus (-) 100 points. Step 3: subtract your negative total from your positive total to determine your Assertive Listening score. for example, if you have plus (+) 80 and minus (-) 15, you total score of will be plus (+) 65; if you have a score of minus (-) 80 and a plus (+) 15, you total score will be minus (-) 65.
Interpreting Your score What do these numbers indicate about your listening skills? Take a look at your score in step 3. It reflects both your positive and negative assertive listening behaviors. Step 3 Score
Sum of Positive and Negative Skills
91 to 100
Excellent
81 to 90
Strong
71 to 80
Moderate
61 to 70
Low-Moderate
51 to 60
Weak
50 or less
Poor
Next, review your score for step 2 relative to the following table. This provides a numerical rating of your negative assertive behaviors. A low score in this category indicates stronger listening skills.
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Step 2 Score
Negative Listening Skills
- 91 to -100
Extremely high negative
- 81 to -90
High negative
- 71 to - 80
Moderately high negative
- 55 to - 70
Moderate negative
- 40 to - 54
Low moderate negative
- 39 or less
Mildly negative
Now, evaluate your score for step 1, which provides a numerical rating of your positive listening behaviors. A high score in this category indicates stronger listening skills. Step 1 Score
Positive Listening Skills
91 to 100
Extremely high
81 to 90
High
71 to 80
Moderately high
55 to 70
Moderate
40 to 54
Low moderate
39 or less
Mild
moving toward Assertive listening statements 2, 5, 7, 8, 10, 11, 12, 14, 17, and 19 describe negative listening behaviors. If you scored in the high range for this category, review the statements you marked “Most of the Time” and “sometimes.” These reflect behaviors you should change or avoid. Then, study statements 1, 3, 4, 6, 9, 13, 15, 16, 18, and 20. These describe positive assertive listening behaviors you should model. If you scored in the extremely high or in the high range of positive listening skills, you have much strength as a listener. use it to help your teammates, co-workers, and subordinates improve their listening skills. If you scored 70 or less in this category, study the statements you marked “sometimes” or “rarely” to see where you can improve.
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thrEE lEvEls Of lIstENINg Now that you have a sense of your strengths and weaknesses as a listener, let’s move on to areas that will help you improve. The first are the different levels of listening. We all listen with varying degrees of involvement, and for different reasons. This section will explore the three levels of listening. All are components of the active listening that will help you to become more assertive:
• • •
Listening to be aware Listening to learn Listening to engage
level 1: listening to Be Aware The first level of listening is fundamental, yet crucial to expanding your listening skills. It involves listening to your environment with rapt attention— that is, using your ears to be aware of what’s going on around you in a particular location at a particular time. Today, many of us are so plugged into cell phone conversations, MP3 players, talk radio, and inner thoughts that we’re not entirely present in the time and place we’re occupying. This has been occurring since the invention of the telephone first replaced face-toface communication, but has become more pervasive as we’ve gone wireless, often to the point of rudeness. Have you noticed people on the street or on the subway who are so plugged into their MP3 players and cell phones that they appear heedless of the people and activities around them? Perhaps, occasionally you’re one of them. When we’re electronically plugged in elsewhere, we miss the sounds of our environment: the clicking of heels on sidewalks, the kicking of balls on the soccer field, and the giggling of kids hanging upside down on the bars of a swing. We miss snatches of hallway conversations, the clinking of silverware in the company dining room, the “hellos” and “goodbyes” that mark the day. We miss the wondrous and often healing sounds of nature. In other words, we’re not really there. The purpose of the first level of assertive listening is to reconnect to the environment and to hone your most basic listening skills. You can do this by getting unplugged and tuning onto the sounds around you. Exercise 6-2 will help you.
Exercise 6-2 Tuning In to Natural Surround Sound In this exercise, you’ll work on your most fundamental listening skills by identifying the sounds that surround you. 1. Select a location in your work environment where you are apart from co-workers and unlikely to be disturbed for four to five minutes. 2. If you have a cell phone with you, turn it off. If you have a radio, MP3 player, or any other non-work device on, turn it off as well. Exercise 6-2 continues on next page. AMACOM Self Study Program http://www.amaselfstudy.org/
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Exercise 6-2 continued from previous page. 3. Now, close your eyes, breathe deeply, and sit quietly. Put any worries or “to do” items out of your mind. 4. Use the next five minutes to focus on all the sounds around you: footsteps and voices in the corridor, the person in the next cubicle speaking on the telephone, the click-clack of someone keyboarding; a telephone ringing somewhere. 5. Once the five minutes is over, make a list of the things you heard:
6. If you heard human voices, were they angry, cheerful, concerned, hurried, demanding, calm? Describe the tenor of those voices.
Repeat this practice session as often as you wish. Aside from building listening skills, it can be a useful way to alleviate stress.
level 2: listening to learn The second level of listening is the listening we use in classrooms, seminars, workshops, training sessions, meetings, and in conversations with others when we seek information. Communicators call this deliberative listening (kiely, 1997). At this level, we listen with the intent to learn something. We act like sponges, soaking up facts, statistics, theories, and educated opinions. We file what we receive into our memory banks in order to pass exams, understand our industry, learn more about the financial position of our company—whatever information we need to function successfully. This level of listening requires concentration and the ability to abstract often complex information. We need to understand the essence of what’s being said so we can take accurately notes or recall the information later. We must do so without hanging on to every word, getting lost in the details, and losing sight of the larger picture. Listening to learn requires us to capture information quickly in our minds and on paper without falling behind the presenter. This takes skill and practice. Exercise 6-3 will give you some of that practice.
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Exercise 6-3 Soaking Up Information In this exercise, you’ll work on your listening skills by concentrating on and capturing information you receive in a learning situation: a video presentation. Perhaps your company has some taped instructional videos or sales presentations you can borrow. Otherwise, a lecture video or TV documentary will do. All you need is a VHS or DVD player, or an online Webcast (“Webinar”). These are best because you can play and re-run them at your leisure. Here’s what you need to do: 1. Set yourself up in a place where you’ll be uninterrupted by people or telephone calls. Have a pen and notebook handy. Then, get relaxed and put other matters out of your mind. 2. Turn on the video and watch the first ten minutes of actual presentation (skipping over any introductory remarks by a moderator or announcer). 3. Concentrate on the speaker’s main points and the key evidence used to back up these points. Jot them down in your notebook. 4. After ten minutes, or at a logical break in the program, stop recording and paraphrase the speaker’s main points and key evidence. 5. Then, replay the program and compare what you hear in the replay with the main points and evidence you recorded in your workbook. How accurately did you capture what the speaker or speakers said?
6. How many key points did you fail to catch the first time?
Repeat this practice session as often as you wish.
level 3: listening to Engage The third level of listening engages us in the other person’s conversation. Communicators call this active listening. We could also call it assertive listening because it takes a person beyond passive absorption to active involvement in communication. Active, assertive listening goes beyond attentively and passively absorbing what we hear. Instead, it requires direct visual and oral engagement by the listener. The goal is to help us accurately understand the other person’s meaning and avoid the trap of misunderstanding. Active listeners do this by using inclusive eye contact and body language, avoiding distractions, using attending sounds, paraphrasing, asking questions, and asking for more information. AMACOM Self Study Program http://www.amaselfstudy.org/
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Use Eye Contact and Body Language When you use eye contact and body language, you demonstrate that you’re interested in what the speaker has to say. Eye contact signals your desire to listen. People who look around at other things send a different message: “I’m not interested.” In addition to eye contact, use facial expressions and body language that area relaxed and welcoming. Nod your head when you hear a point of agreement and gesture with your hands and arms toward the other person to invite the sharing of ideas. Avoid Distractions Another way to listen actively is to avoid distractions—both in your mind and in the environment. That means keeping your attention focused on what the other person is saying, rather than on letting other thoughts intrude or allowing emotions to get in the way. One natural obstacle to distraction avoidance is the fact that people hear at a much faster rate than they speak. As you learned in Chapter 4, people speak on average of between 125 and 150 words per minute. In contrast, people hear (and comprehend what they hear) at a rate of up to 600 words a minute (kiely, 1997). given this disparity, it’s easy to see how some people might become impatient and let their minds wander—or even try to speed the speaker along by finishing their sentences! To help keep your mind free of distractions, reduce the number of distractions in your environment. Turn off your cell phone and ask your assistant to hold your telephone calls. If you’re expecting an important call, let the person know beforehand, and if the call comes through, keep it brief—or else reschedule the meeting. If the radio is on when someone enters your office, turn it off. By all means, avoid doing other tasks as you listen. Yes, we live in the age of multitasking, but multitasking is just a way of sequencing your attention, which seldom produces a good result. Use Attending Sounds responses, such as “uh-huh” and “um-hum,” are known as attending sounds, as are the words and phrases such as, “Okay, “I see,” “I hear you,” “sure,” and similar phrases. They tell the other person that you’re listening and following along with the conversation. If you don’t understand a point or if you’re not following the conversation, it’s better to ask for clarification, rather than to use attending sounds: “I didn’t understand that point. Would you clarify it for me?” If you disagree, ask questions that will help you understand how the other person arrived at his or her viewpoint: “Wait a minute. I don’t see how you reached that conclusion, given what you said earlier. Please explain how you reached it.” Paraphrase the Other Person’s Point To ensure understanding—and to demonstrate that you’re listening with interest—use your own words to feed back what the other person has just said; that is, paraphrase the other person’s points.
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In other words, you’re saying that . . . . If I understand you . . . . What I hear you saying is. . . . Just to check my understanding, you’re stating that . . . . Paraphrasing allows the other person to respond to and, if necessary, to correct your feedback, which helps prevent misunderstanding and possible conflict. Ask Questions Along with paraphrasing, ask questions that clarify the other person’s points. Do this in an inquiring, rather than a challenging way, by keeping your tone of voice steady and calm, and letting your speaker know that the goal is to create understanding. Here is an example of a clarifying question:
When you say that the future of our gizmoTec product line is clouded, do you mean that our sales will be eclipsed by rivals—perhaps with superior technology? Another way of asking the same clarifying question would be to say: “What do you mean by the word ‘clouded?’” Presenting it that way, however, might seem more of a challenge, especially if you have an edge to your voice. You can also use the technique of folding a paraphrase into your question. Here are two examples: When you say “cloudy,” do you mean that our future is uncertain or in decline? In other words, you’re saying that the gizmoTec product line has no long-term future? As with paraphrasing, asking clarifying questions shows the other person that you’re involved and attentive, and you’re interested in his or her point of view. It also elicits information that can improve your understanding.
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tip: Dig Deep to uncover real Interests To understand another person’s interests, dig beneath the surface of a stated position by asking questions. Try to determine what the person is really after, which may be different than what has been stated. for example, if a subordinate keeps telling you that she needs a larger office, don’t accept that statement without probing deeper. she might need more square footage in order to complete her work. On the other hand, her true interest might be to gain some tangible and visible recognition of her contributions to the company. If her real interest is getting psychic “stokes,” there is more than one way to provide them, such as a promotion, a bonus, or complimenting her in front of co-workers. A bigger office is just one way to address her real need. When you’re probing for real interests, don’t by shy about being very up-front and direct: “so, Helen, do you really need more space to get you job done, or do you feel unappreciated for the good work you’ve been doing lately?” remember, unassertive people beat around the bush. Assertive people are direct and frank. Ask for More Information Another way to listen effectively and actively is to ask for more information. You might ask the other person to expand on a point, or to be more specific, more precise, or to provide examples. Again, your goal is to understand what the other person means. Here are several examples:
That’s an interesting idea. Tell me more about it. I want to be sure I understand your point. Tell me specifically what you mean. That’s a unique view. Tell me more precisely what you mean. give me an example of what you mean, so that I don’t misunderstand your point. As you seek more information, ask questions, paraphrase, use attending sounds, avoid distractions, and employ inclusive body language and eye contact, you gain an understanding of other’s perspectives that helps cement important relationships. Yet, if you’re like most people, you’ve not been taught how to listen to engage or to listen actively. Developing this skill will take time and continued practice. It’s well worth the effort, because as you become more engaged, you’ll find that your conversations with others will become more engaging and more vibrant—and cast you in a more positive light.
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ExplOrINg thE NEEDs AND INtErEsts Of OthErs Listening well sends a message of respect. Indeed, being treated with respect and earning the respect of others is a universal need that cuts across race, class, gender, and culture. As we choose to listen to others and know how to do so effectively, we address this universal need at a basic level. We do this in an assertive way—using direct and positive language, strong eye contact, appropriate facial expression, good posture, and controlled voice—without losing our sense of self or our ability to decide things for ourselves. for many of the encounters we have during the course of a day, this will suffice. But for crucial interpersonal understanding we need to go a step further—to explore what matters to the other person. This exploration is an extension of knowing our audience, a topic discussed earlier in this course. It’s especially important to explore the needs, concerns, and interests of those people we work with on an on-going basis: our co-workers, teammates, managers, subordinates, clients, loyal customers, suppliers, outside contractors—anyone with an important working relationship with us and with our organizations. We need to get to the core of what these people care about. We can do this through many types of encounters—in one-on-one discussions, in small groups, in meetings, at lunch or dinner, or other venues. The alternative is to act on assumptions or guesswork, which can lead us down a dangerous path. Caution! Observe this caution as you try to determine what matters to others. If you’re on the passive side of the assertiveness scale, you may find yourself as a matter of habit putting the other person’s interests above your own. You can avoid this by consciously keeping what matters to you in the foreground of your thoughts. Empathize with the other person, but not at your expense. If you’re on the aggressive side of the assertiveness scale, this type of exploration may make you feel that you’re appearing weak. In fact, being unwilling to listen to other viewpoints and explore other people’s concerns is a weak posture, and for that matter, an insecure one. In contrast, willingly exploring the concerns of others sends a message of openness and confidence. This, in turn, helps you cement relationships and build the alliances that are so crucial to workplace success. How can you effectively explore the needs and interests of others? As you’ll learn here, you can do so by creating a safe environment, asking probing questions, avoiding questions or statements that might provoke a defensive response, reciprocating, and being proactive.
Create a safe Environment A safe environment for our purposes involves an emotional and psychological climate in which people feel free to disclose their needs, interests, and conAMACOM Self Study Program http://www.amaselfstudy.org/
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cerns without the fear of reprisal or ridicule. good things can happen when fear is removed. A fear-free environment encourages people to speak directly and honestly. Here are some things you can do to create such an environment:
• • • •
Maintain respectful and civil discourse—don’t roll your eyes or give an exasperated look when you hear something with which you disagree. If necessary, lay out clear ground rules such as, “We’ll listen respectfully to each other, avoid interrupting, and make no personal attacks—okay?” set an example by being calm and listening carefully to the other person. Hold confidential information in strict confidence. People will not open up if you are perceived as a blabbermouth.
If you’ve been on the aggressive side of the assertiveness continuum, don’t expect people to open up to you right away. They may not yet trust you. You’ll have to earn their trust one encounter at a time. Beware of Backsliding! Habits are hard to break. If you inadvertently backslide into an aggressive mode when communicating, stop, apologize, and then resume. Be aware, however, that anger-explosion-apology is a pattern among people who have anger management issues. If you backslide often, seek professional counseling—not because you’re a flawed person, but because ingrained behavior can be hard to change—and harder yet when you try to do it yourself. The insights of someone trained to deal with anger-management can help you. If you’re on the passive side of the assertiveness scale, create a safe environment for yourself as well. Be sure that the people with whom you’re exchanging views and concerns are trustworthy. One way to do that is to disclose something personal of minor importance and observe how they handle it. If they demonstrate trustworthiness, be more disclosing during your next encounter—again, observing how they handle your information. Avoid sharing information you might later regret, making promises you don’t want to keep, giving in when you feel pressure, or giving up what matters to you in order to curry favor, gain someone’s approval, or “make nice.” giving in is especially easy to do when you’re subject to group peer pressure. Avoid going along to get along if it’s at your expense. On those occasions when you do backslide, learn from your mistake, and decide how you’ll respond to similar situations in the future.
Ask probing Questions Once you create an environment for safe and open discussions, you need to find out what matters to other people. You do this by asking probing questions—questions that, when answered, reveal the interests and concerns that lie beneath someone’s stated position (Thomas, 1995) or viewpoint. © American Management Association. All rights reserved. http://www.amanet.org/
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Probing questions often begin with the word “what.” for example, “What bothers you about this situation?” “What do you really care about here?” “What concerns you about this issue?” “What” questions often open the door to the underlying reasons why someone takes a certain stand, expresses a viewpoint, or refuses to budge from a position (Ibid.). If the other person lists a number of concerns and you’re not sure which are the most important, probe for more information as in these examples: Which of the three things you mentioned is most important to you? How would you prioritize the four things you say are essential to your department? Once you know the person’s priorities, you can addressing the top ones and leave the lesser priorities for another time.
Avoid Questions that provoke a Defensive response As you probe for what matters, and because trust can be so easily broken, avoid judgmental questions that might put the other person on the defensive. In other words, avoid anything that might be perceived as a personal attack. Defense-provoking questions often begin with “How could you . . .” as in, “How could you possibly think that hiring Phil was a good idea?” “How could you have possibly come to that conclusion?” “How could you have believed that, given all the evidence?” Questions like these sting. People often clam up or go into defensive mode when their conclusions or actions are questioned in critical-sounding ways. stay clear of defensive-provoking questions.
reciprocate Our culture and most other cultures value reciprocity. If you are given something, there’s an expectation that you’ll give something in return. reciprocity shows respect and builds trust. The ethic of reciprocity extends to our communication. Once someone reveals his or her concerns or interests to you, it’s customary to reciprocate by revealing your own. The trust that emerges from reciprocity can open the door to further discussion. Let’s say, for instance, that a prized but passive employee comes to you and reveals that he’s upset about having been passed over for a promotion. You listen politely and ask probing questions. The employee’s answers reveal that he believes he’s in a dead-end job and needs a new challenge. You reciprocate by sharing your view, saying “Yes, I feel badly about that, but you didn’t show an interest in the position when it was posted.” You also point out that the position requires managerial skills he hasn’t yet mastered. You pause and let your employee fill the silence. “I thought my work spoke for itself,” he says, “but I now realize that I should have been more direct in going after the job.” He goes on to say that he’s eager to learn management skills so he can be promoted the next time around. At this point, you’ve exchanged your views in an open and nonjudgmental way. The stage is now set for finding solutions that will satisfy or partially satisfy both parties. AMACOM Self Study Program http://www.amaselfstudy.org/
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Be proactive When engaging other people, don’t limit the exploration of concerns to brainstorming and problem-solving sessions, or to times of disagreement and conflict. Be proactive and call out an emotion you see reflected in another person’s body language and tone of voice, as in the following example: Helen appears upset after the team voted to contract with a different vendor than the one she wanted. You turn to her and say, “You look angry,” and then wait for a response. It doesn’t matter if you identify the emotion correctly. The other person will usually let you know. she might say, “Yes, I’m angry, because . . . .” If she says that she’s angry and says no more, follow-up with a probing question: “Well, what’s the problem?” Being observant and proactive in this way allows you to catch emotions such as anger, irritation, dissatisfaction, stress, and so on, and address them before they play out in unproductive ways. If you do nothing to draw out the person, those negative emotions are bound to simmer and build into potentially destructive energy. The techniques for being proactive, reciprocating, asking clarifying and probing questions, and ensuring a safe environment should help you engage other people in affirmative and assertive ways. The more you practice these techniques, the more you’ll develop trusting and productive relationships at work and in your private life. Those relationships will make you stand out among your peers.
Exercise 6-4 Digging for the Concerns and Interests of Others This exercise challenges you to use your listening and probing skills when dealing another person, preferably a workplace peer with whom you sometimes disagree. Begin a conversation about an issue that matters to both of you, but on which the two of you have a difference of opinion (such as the best formula for allocating year-end bonuses). As you move through the conversation, apply listening skills. Although you’ll most likely agree with each other on many points, the conversation should bring your differences to the surface. Use those differences to explore the other person’s interests and concerns. Once you’ve finished the conversation, return to your workplace and answer the following questions: 1. Check off the listening skills you used: Strong eye contact _________ Clarifying questions __________ Paraphrasing _________ You let the other person fully express his or her views before you responded. ________ You gave the person your complete attention throughout the discussion. _________ Exercise 6-4 continues on next page. © American Management Association. All rights reserved. http://www.amanet.org/
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Exercise 6-4 continued from previous page. 2. On which points did you two disagree? Explain.
3. Did you use probing questions to understand the reasoning behind the other person’s viewpoint? (Y/N) _________ If you did, what were those questions?
4. Did any of your questions provoke a defensive response? (Y/N) ________ If yes, explain.
5. Did you assert your concerns or identify issues that were important to you? Explain.
6. What could you have done to make your discussion with the other person more effective in terms of getting everyone’s interests, concerns, etc. onto the table?
Repeat this practice session as often as you wish.
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CulturAl BArrIErs tO COmmuNICAtINg NEEDs AND INtErEsts Human migration has brought different cultures faces-to-face on a scale never before experienced. By one reckoning, upwards of 190 million people—almost three percent of the global population—are now living outside their native countries. Most have moved in search of economic opportunity, from poor regions of the world to the more affluent regions of North America and Europe. The capital-rich emirates of the Middle East have also attracted workers from every part of the globe. Economic migrants bring languages and cultures that often differ sharply from those of their adopted countries, creating communication challenges where they live and work. At the same time, the globalization of trade and business activity has brought many millions of people from distinctly different cultures into contact with each other. A project manager in Boston, for example, now finds herself on the telephone at 10PM speaking with a supplier team of software developers in the Philippines. A New York-based IBM product designer and his engineering team collaborate with other IBM personnel in the company’s r and D center in germany. In these cases and thousands like them, the people involved must break through the barriers of language and culture to assert their own needs and interests, and align them with the needs and interests of their partners. It isn’t always an easy task. Most North Americans and Europeans, for instance, are very “up-front” people. In most cases, they have no reluctance to speak their minds. freedom of speech and expression, and the notion that one person is inherently as good as another, are part of their cultures. Other cultures are not as open. This section focuses on the challenges of cross-cultural communication and offers some practical solutions for overcoming them. While the subject is large, we’ll limit our focus to just a few areas: time and trust-building, the cultural dimensions of power distance, uncertainty avoidance, and individualism versus collectivism.
time and trust Building The ratio of time to trust-building is an important dynamic in interpersonal relationships. While this ratio varies from culture to culture, it plays out within two broad geographical areas: Western, or developed cultures, and non-Western, or developing cultures. Time and Trust in Western Cultures People from many Western nations, such as the united states, are impatient when it comes to time. Time—being on time and minding the clock—is a prime value, one that’s tightly wedded to efficiency. In the business world of these nations, an inefficient use of time means a loss of money. Consequently, people are expected to stick to timelines and to meet deadlines. Meetings move forward with a minimum of small talk; networking functions focus on business and career goals. Business relationships are often viewed as a means to an end.
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Time and Trust in Non-Western Cultures In contrast to people in Western cultures, people from many non-Western cultures and many parts of Latin America view time in terms of relationships and the time it takes to develop them. In these cultures, relationships, interconnectedness, and respect are primary values. These values transcend time— or at least the time that’s bound to the clock. Cultural anthropologist Edward T. Hall described people from these cultures as having a flexible attitude toward time. for them, life is not a big rush. They linger over meals to enjoy the food and friendship. They adjust schedules rather than strictly enforce deadlines. They may be late to a meeting because they took time to console a friend with a sick family member. for them, trust comes from relationships that evolve over time. According to Hall’s research, people who view time as linked to relationships and trust-building are likely to come from Asia, the Middle East, Latin America, and the Western nations of Ireland, france, and spain (Tuleja, 2005). Of course, there are exceptions to the way these cultural dynamics play out. The Japanese, for example, value being on time for meetings which is a Western cultural trait, but almost always engage in small talk about family, sports, hobbies, world events, and so on before addressing business issues. for the Japanese, it often takes more than one meeting to get to important agenda items (Ibid). They also take the time to resolve issues through consensus rather than majority rule because consensus is an important cultural value. By understanding the relationship of time to trust building, you will help your multicultural teammates and employees feel safer and more comfortable in disclosing their interests, needs, and concerns. As a practical first step, don’t “get right down to business,” as is our habit in North America. Instead, take time to get acquainted. Arrange an informal lunch or coffee as a preliminary to any important exchanges of views. Ask about their families and talk about yours. Build a web of connections to the other person. Above all, show respect, be true to your word, and be consistent in what you say and what you do. until you establish trust in these ways, the other person may politely balk at disclosing needs and interests or hold back information by telling you only those things that seem safe to disclose. Once you get the person talking, avoid the following behaviors:
• • • • • •
Demanding a response raising your voice Interrupting, or looking at your watch Criticizing or diminishing the person’s interests or concerns Criticizing the person’s family or culture Punishing the person for something he or she discloses—or chooses not to disclose
Any of these behaviors will destroy the foundation of trust you’re trying to build with the other person.
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Think About It . . . Think about someone from your own culture (in this case, Western) with whom you have a good, trust-based working relationship (a co-worker, teammate, business partner, etc.). How long did you interact with this person before you trusted him or her? What was that trust based on (successfully meeting deadlines, quality of work, apparent integrity, mutual values, etc)?
Did your earlier interactions involve learning about the other person’s family and outside interests? Explain.
Now, think about someone from a non-Western or developing nation whom you’ve developed a trust-based working relationship. Did it take a longer, shorter, or about the same length of time to develop that trust? What was that trust based on (successfully meeting deadlines, quality of work, apparent integrity, mutual values, and so on)?
What, if anything, was different about your early conversations with this person relative to earlier conversations with people from your own culture?
Cultural Dimensions some of the pioneering work in cross-cultural studies was done by geert Hofstede of Holland’s Maastricht university. from the late 1960s through the early 1970s, Hofstede researched cultural differences within IBM and its subsidiaries in 53 countries. That research identified five cultural dimensions (Chaney and Martin, 2004), three of which are relevant to our discussion of © American Management Association. All rights reserved. http://www.amanet.org/
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a persons’ needs and interests: (1) power distance, (2) uncertainty avoidance, and (3) collectivism. Power Distance Power distance involves the distribution of power within a culture. The distribution may be more hierarchical or egalitarian. According to Hofstede, hierarchical cultures are top-down, with a substantial gap between people who hold the most power and those who have the least power. Hofstede calls these “high power distance” cultures. By contrast, “low power distance” cultures distribute power more equally. Their organizations are flatter (with fewer tiers of management) and more egalitarian (Tuleja, 2005). More specifically, high power distance cultures are a feature of authoritarian societies where power is controlled by the few at the top and where the people below accept their unequal status. Power, for those who have it, comes from a person’s position, gender, family status, age, religion, and ethnicity. Authority figures, whether in government, business, education, or families, have great decision-making powers over those under their control. People in these cultures tend to be paternalistic. They also tend to cling to tradition and are wary of change. Interestingly, those without power expect to be taken care of in return for their compliance. Hofstede found that businesses that reflect a high power distance culture have a command-and-control structure in which those with power determine the rules and procedures for others to follow. In these businesses, “a wide gap exists between superiors and subordinates, each of whom views those in a higher position as people who both control and are responsible for them.” (Hofstede, cited in Tuleja, 2005) If you’re working with someone who comes from a high power distance culture, understanding its dynamics will help you recognize and respond to his or her expectations. Countries that have high power distance cultures include Japan, the Philippines, Indonesia, Peru, Mexico, West Africa, and China. A low power distance culture, in contrast, distributes power more evenly among its people. These cultures often have representative forms of government that promote individual liberty and freedom of expression. Their people move more fluidly between classes. Those in the middle or bottom levels of society and organizations have decision-making power, in addition to those at the top. People in low power organizations ask questions, give feedback, work independently of their supervisors, and interact with each other, including superiors, on a first-name basis. People earn their power; it is not handed to them. The united states, Canada, great Britain, New Zealand, and the Netherlands, and Australia are low power distance cultures. If you’re a supervisor, manager, or an executive in a superior position and you’re exploring the interests and concerns of people from a high power distance culture, you can be sure that they’ll tell you what they think you want to hear—that is, until you’ve had enough time to develop a relationship of mutual trust. How, then, can you arrive at the truth? for one thing, avoid probing for feelings. People from high power distance cultures have been acculturated to conceal their feelings from authority figures. A display of emotions is impolite (and risky). Instead, use objective language to probe for what matters to the person. If you think you still haven’t arrived at the truth, try the following AMACOM Self Study Program http://www.amaselfstudy.org/
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suggestions. List a series of alternatives and ask the person to order them in terms of preferences. You might frame “if-then” constructs (another way of looking at alternatives) and ask what the person sees as the outcome if the team, department, or company were to move in a particular direction. In terms of voice and body language, maintain an assertive posture (not a slouching or rigid one), a steady voice (not a weak or demanding one), and strong eye contact (not an avoiding or piercing one). You may also find it productive to use collaborative body language, for example sitting next to the person, rather than behind your desk, and using a welcoming expression, rather than a stern one. In addition, monitor the other person’s body language and tone of voice to determine if he or she might be resisting or holding back information, or if the person might be fearful or uncomfortable. You may decide to rephrase your questions, use silence, or stop and continue the discussion at another time. Also, listen for indirect communication. In high power distance cultures, delivering bad or unpleasant news to people in charge is unwise. Instead, the person might shift to another topic or sidestep the issue. In countries, such as Japan, it’s impolite to tell someone (especially the boss) “no.” Instead, the person might mention another option or preference. Here are some things to avoid when you want people from a high power distance culture to share their interests and concerns:
• • • • •
standing while the other person is sitting; that puts you in the commanding position and may work against disclosure. using a loud voice; this will be interpreted as aggressive. Exploring personal needs and feelings; these are often closely held and private. Pointing at the other person; that’s aggressive and accusatory in any culture. Words, body language, or voice tone that ridicules, humiliates, or shows disrespect.
Uncertainty Avoidance According to Hofstede, uncertainty avoidance is the degree to which a culture tolerates uncertainty and ambiguity. This has to do with how readily a culture is open to change, differences, and contradictions (Tuleja, 2005). Cultures with high uncertainty avoidance tend to have more rules, laws, regulations, and rituals than do low uncertainty avoidance cultures (Ibid.). These cultures often have low crime rates, which are the result of a highly structured society that imposes and enforce rules on behavior. People in high uncertainly avoidance cultures:
• • • •
Are extremely polite. favor consensus in decision-making. Dislike dissent. feel especially uncomfortable with change and the prospect of it.
Countries that seek to avoid change and uncertainty include Portugal, Belgium, greece, Chile, and Japan. © American Management Association. All rights reserved. http://www.amanet.org/
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While it is human nature to resist change, people in low uncertainty avoidance cultures—which include the united states, Canada, sweden, great Britain, Denmark, and India—have learned how to cope with it. They know that change can produce better results and ultimately, more satisfying lives. People in low uncertainty avoidance cultures:
• • •
Accept contractions and ambiguity. Are willing to live with fewer rules in return for greater freedom. Are more apt to accept dissent.
Not surprisingly, these cultural differences have an impact on the openness of interpersonal communication. People from high uncertainty avoidance cultures will most likely feel stressed when asked to open up about their needs, interests or concerns, especially if they’re uncertain about the consequences or see themselves as out of step with the majority point of view. rather than speaking up, they’ll be quiet and play by the rules, viewing that as less risky. Thus, it’s important that you:
• • • •
first, establish trust. Explain your purpose for seeking his or her needs or concerns. Provide a safe environment. Be precise in your language, so that you avoid ambiguous words and phrases.
When you begin your inquiry, lay out the guidelines or steps for the disclosure process and be sure to follow them. Be consistent and true to your word. When you do this, you’ll help reduce the other person’s reservations. Collectivism and Individualism The third cultural dimension that has an impact on disclosure is collectivism. Collectivism is the degree to which a person’s identity is shaped by and attached to groups—his or her family, community, company, friends, and social class. Collectivism can be defined as “connection with the power of the group” (Tuleja, 2005). Individualism, on the other hand, is the degree to which a person’s identity is shaped by his or her sense of self, apart from groups. Nations with collectivist cultures include most of the south American, Central American, Asian, Arab, and West and East African nations. Collectivist cultures place a high value on harmony, interconnectedness, and group achievement. Therefore, people’s decisions and self-perceptions are highly influenced by their family and other relationships. for example, rather than going off on their own by a given age, children in collectivist cultures are expected to live with their families until they marry and start a family of their own (Ibid). In business, people from collectivist cultures put the interests of their company and team ahead of their own. That means that success, in their view, flows from the cooperative efforts of the group as a whole, not as the result of a particular person’s contribution. In fact, people in collectivist cultures shy away from offering or accepting individual praise, because it singles them out and places them above the group. In contrast, individualistic cultures place a high value on independence, selfreliance, and personal achievement. Countries that have individualistic cultures AMACOM Self Study Program http://www.amaselfstudy.org/
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include the united states, Australia, Canada, New Zealand, Britain, the Netherlands, and other countries in Western Europe. People from these cultures are “emotionally independent from group membership,” according to Hofstede, “selfactualization is at the forefront of identity” (Hofstede, quoted in Tuleja, 2005). In individualist cultures, parents raise their children to go off on their own and take responsibility for their lives, financial support, decisions, and careers. The focus is on individual performance and success, which is reflected in the competitive nature of schooling, careers, athletics, media, and politics. Even in team-oriented businesses, the individual is not subservient to the group, but expects to make his or her unique contribution to the team’s success and be recognized for it. Those who make a special contribution will most likely want to be singled out for praise. Collectivism and individualism have an impact on workplace communications. Because people from collectivist cultures seek harmony and consensus, they prefer to go along with the group and blend in rather than stake out a contrary position or point of view. They are more likely to say what they believe the group wants to hear and keep their personal opinions and expressions of concern to themselves. This makes the task of exploring needs, interests, and concerns more difficult. To get a more accurate picture of what matters to a person with a collectivist orientation, it’s a good idea to frame your inquiry in terms of the group. for example:
• • • • •
Tell the person that his or her interests and concerns are important to the group’s (or department’s or company’s) success and long- term harmony. use the collaborative “we” and “our,” rather than the individualistic “I”: “We are interested in knowing what matters to you. It’s important to the group as we move forward on our project.” Ask for ideas in connection to the group: “What steps should the team take to bring this client on board?” “What priorities should the group set for the next month, etc.?” Avoid using phrases such as: “What do you think about . . . ?” These stress individual thoughts and feelings and move away from the group identity. Avoid singling the person out for praise or criticism in front of the group.
Think About It . . . Think about someone you’ve worked or studied with who comes from a collectivist culture (such as Japan, China) where group identity is strong relative to the individualistic identity common in the United States and many other Western countries. What country did the person come from?
Did you observe any differences between this person and more individualistic peers in how he or she related to the group or the team? For instance, did the person with the collectivist background strive to stand out or act more as a team player? Explain. “Think About It” continues on next page. © American Management Association. All rights reserved. http://www.amanet.org/
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Think About It continued from previous page.
Did you experience any unique problems in communicating with this person about his or her beliefs, opinions, or concerns? Please explain.
Would you describe this person as a passive, aggressive, or assertive participant in classroom or work activities?
While culture has a profound influence on people, avoid making assumptions or generalizing expectations about a person’s behavior based solely on cultural background. People are influenced by many things. keep in mind the inherent worth of everyone you work with, and his or her potential for making a productive contribution to your organization. for your convenience and review, we’ve summarized some of the key culture-related communication features described here in Exhibit 6-1. Want to learn more? To learn more about a specific country or region of the world, consult international business books, such as Cultures and Organizations: Software of the Mind: International Cooperation and Its Importance for Survival by geert Hofstede and Kiss, Bow, or Shake Hands by Terri Morrison, Wayne A. Conaway, and george A. Borden, Ph.D.; online international websites, such as International Business Resources from Michigan state university (http://globaledge.msu.edu/ibrd/ibrd.asp.); organizational websites, such as Geert HofstedeTM Cultural Dimensions (http://www.geert-hofstede.com/) which provides a country-by-country look at Hofstede’s cultural dimensions.
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xhibit 6-1 Culture Communication
Cultural Features
Region
People are very “up-front” and get right down to business
U.S., Canada, most European countries
Require trust-building time before discussing important matters
Asian, Middle Eastern, and Latin American countries, and the Western countries of Ireland, France, and Spain
High power distance (power controlled by a few at the top)
Japan, the Philippines, Indonesia, Peru, Mexico, West Africa, China
Low power distance (power more evenly distributed)
U.S., Canada, U.K., New Zealand, Netherlands, Australia
High uncertainty avoidance (lots of rules)
Portugal, Belgium, Greece, Chile, Japan
Low uncertainty avoidance (rules less important)
U.S., Canada, Sweden, U.K., Denmark, India
Collectivist (group oriented)
South and Central America, Asia, Arabic nations, West and East Africa
Individualistic (more individual than group oriented)
U.S., Australia, Canada, New Zealand, U.K., Netherlands, most Western European countries
rEspONDINg tO thE NEEDs AND INtErEsts Of OthErs There are many ways to respond to the needs and interests of others. How you choose to respond will say something about your assertiveness—or lack of it. You may give in, compromise, go for a win, or try to find a solution that satisfies everyone. What you choose to do will depend on the importance of the issue versus the importance of your relationship. If the balance favors one over the other, it will logically determine your response (Exhibit 6-2). savvy negotiators understand this and will often give ground on a particular issue if doing so will protect their relationship with the other party, as in the following example: Cynthia, the purchasing manager for a household appliance manufacturer, was negotiating with one of her company’s key component suppliers, Acme Assemblies. The representative from Acme was asking for a higher unit price than Cynthia was comfortable paying. “I © American Management Association. All rights reserved. http://www.amanet.org/
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know that I can get a slightly better price elsewhere,” she told herself. But for Cynthia, more than price was at stake. Over the years, her company had learned to value its relationships with competent and reliable suppliers. Those suppliers did their own quality control, were continually innovating, and routinely worked with the appliance company’s engineers in some aspects of new product design and development. Cynthia could count on these suppliers for justin-time delivery, which kept her company’s production operations running smoothly. With that in mind, she agreed to a contract renew with Acme. “It will cost us a bit more,” she reflected, “but that’s a small price to pay for a solid supplier relationship.” In this example, price mattered a great deal to Acme Assemblies. Perhaps, it desperately needs to obtain a high unit price in order to maintain quality and support its innovative work force. To Cynthia, on the other hand, price mattered less than the relationship with a reliable supplier. By giving in to Acme’s price demand, Cynthia wasn’t being an unassertive negotiator—she was creating a solution that allowed each party to get what it wanted.
xhibit 6-2 Some Issues Matter to Us More Than Others
Perhaps, you’re facing a situation similar to that of Cynthia’s. If the issue is unimportant to you, but the relationship is vital, you may decide to give the person what he or she wants. Vital work relationships are those that are ongoing, strategic, supportive, and reciprocal. Be particularly thoughtful about your dealings with:
• • • •
People you work with on a daily basis. People who influence your career and have decision-making power over you. People who provide the services and products you need to get your work done effectively. People you have bonded with and who support you as a trusted colleague. AMACOM Self Study Program http://www.amaselfstudy.org/
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When both the issue and relationship are important, consider more fully how you can take a stand for your interests and for those of the other person. If you’re on the passive side of the assertiveness scale, you may be tempted to resolve issues by giving in too quickly. You may do this for many reasons: you prefer to avoid conflict, you want to be thought of as a nice person, giving in is what you’re used to doing and what other people expect, or for some other reason. But you’ve just spent time listening to the other person, clarifying his or her position, determining what matters to him or her, and sharing what matters to you. Instead of discarding that effort, consider a range of solutions, some of which address your needs and interests. If you’re on the aggressive side of the assertiveness scale, you may be tempted to go for a win at the other person’s expense—especially if he or she is passive and not likely to push back. But before you do, consider the relationship. You’ve just spent time listening to and exploring what matters to the other person. Are you really going to take that information and turn it against them? Is the relationship less important to you than winning? These are questions worth both thinking about and answering. In the end, you may choose to win, but before you do, consider other possible solutions, ideally in collaboration with the other person.
think It Over In some cases, your interactions with others may demand rapid action. generally, the person who has time pressures or is under a time constraint is in the weaker position. This is why so many retailers advertise one-day, or weekend sales: “Act now. This special offer ends tomorrow at 6 PM.” If you are pressured to decide immediately on how you’ll deal with someone’s issues, tell that person that you want to think it over (or think about it more). Then, let the person know when he or she can expect an answer. similarly, if the other person asks for more time, grant it, and then ask: “When can I expect your answer?” In this way, you’re making time an ally, not an enemy that gives someone else the upper hand. Once you have more time, use it to consider the consequences of meeting the person’s request:
• • •
What benefits will you and/or the other person realize? What possible harm could result to either party? How will your relationship with the other party be affected?
You might discuss the matter with others who’ll be affected by your decision, such as co-workers. Consider this example: Your teammate, sylvia, has been invited unexpectedly to go on a cruise to Tierra del fuego. “This is a fabulous opportunity,” she says. “If we can exchange our scheduled vacation days, I can take the trip.” You’re happy for sylvia, and normally would not hesitate to swap vacation dates. But there’s a wrinkle—you’ve already reserved a campsite on Michi-
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gan’s upper Peninsula for those days. It’s a favorite spot for you and your husband, and canceling that reservation will ruin your summer hiking plans. As the pros and cons of sylvia’s request resonate in your mind, you recall that she exchanged vacation dates at your request two years ago so that you and your husband could celebrate your tenth wedding anniversary on Maui. “I owe sylvia,” you remind yourself. But instead of saying “yes” right away, you ask for more time. That evening, you discuss the situation with your husband, and together, you decide to grant sylvia’s request and exchange vacation dates. There are other campsites to choose from and you’ve been looking for a way to return a favor to sylvia. still, by holding off on a quick answer, you tended to your interests—and your husband’s—by including him in the decision-making. In the end, and in the spirit of reciprocity, you tended to your relationship with sylvia as well.
focus on the Issue, Not the person some people can be unpleasantly disagreeable when competing ideas, goals, and interests are at stake. In these cases, it’s easy to make the other person the issue, rather than the object of conflict itself. This is what some communication experts mean when they advise us to “focus on the problem, not the person.” Working through the uncertainties and disagreement is often difficult, and even more vexing when we link our frustration and anger to another person: “If it weren’t for Bob, we’d have this problem solved.” Demonizing the other person does nothing to resolve the conflict, nor does speculation about that person’s motives: “I think he’s trying to look good to his boss.” Turning a conflict over competing interests into a personal win-or-lose contest encourages aggressiveness on both sides and assures that resolution will be more difficult. Neither party can compromise without feeling that he or she has been personally diminished—vanquished. And neither can recognize the validity of the other’s rights or interests without appearing passive and weak. The obvious antidote to this situation is to objectify the problem—that is, to separate it from the conflicted parties. Instead of defining the other person as abrasive, arrogant, rude, or hypocritical, give your attention to (1) the problem and its parts, and (2) the interests of the disputing parties. Doing this will move you and others toward a mutually satisfying resolution.
use Collaborative language Another way to move toward a mutually satisfying solution for competing interests is to use collaborative language—“we” and “our,” rather than “I,” “you,” or “us” versus “them” —just as you should when communicating with someone from a collectivist culture. You might ask some of the following questions:
• • • • •
How can we move forward on this? How can we work together to move toward a solution? Can we agree to . . . ? What’s in our best interest as a team? What are our top priorities? AMACOM Self Study Program http://www.amaselfstudy.org/
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Collaborative language is inclusive. It invests others in both the decision and the outcome. remember, though, to use “I” statements and direct communication when expressing ideas, disclosing feelings, and revealing your needs and interests. Throughout the problem-solving and decision-making process, you should maintain an assertiveness level in your word choices, voice tone, and body language.
Expand the Options One of the most important steps we can take to arrive at a satisfying and sustaining solution is to expand the options. All too often, we limit ourselves to what we want versus what the other person wants, as if nothing else is possible and as if wants are always in opposition. upon examination, many either/or options are found to be false choices. for example:
• •
You can either have a large car with poor fuel economy or a small car with high gas mileage. You have two choices: High-quality products at high prices or low-quality products at low prices.
Both of those either/or propositions have proven false. You’re likely to find workplace propositions like these to be equally false. After all, few things in life have only two options. You can avoid this pitfall by working with the other person (or persons) to develop a larger set of options. some new options may be combinations of the two original options; others may be variations of one option or another; still others may be entirely new. Many people use brainstorming sessions to generate several solution options. Do this without censuring yourself or prejudging any potential solution. Then, once you’ve laid out the possibilities, you and the other person (or persons) can evaluate them. You’ll throw out some possibilities, prioritize others, and add new ones to the list, without giving up what matters to you. This method not only points you toward a better solution, it creates collaborative energy that keeps your relationship moving forward. Consider the following example: As manager of corporate communications, Ellen oversaw the publication of her company’s quarterly online newsletter. To ensure the quality of the newsletter’s layout and design, she relied on the services of Alejandra, the company’s most experienced and talented graphic artist. Alejandra delivered stellar work—on time—and for that reason, she was in high demand. Over the previous year, Ellen had faced growing conflict with Matthew, manager of advertising and promotions, over the use of Alejandra’s services. Matthew’s deadlines for advertising materials often coincided with Ellen’s newsletter deadlines. During the last quarter, Matthew booked Alejandra well in advance of the deadline for his big advertising push. Ellen wanted to talk with Matthew about their schedules to see if they could find a © American Management Association. All rights reserved. http://www.amanet.org/
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way to share Alejandra’s services in some mutually agreeable way. she hesitated to approach him, however, because he often became aggressive and hostile when under pressure, launching a tirade at whoever stood between himself and what he felt was rightly his. Hoping to avoid a brutal encounter with Matthew, Ellen was prepared to offer a solution: use two less experienced graphic artists, one of whom frequently missed deadlines. Now, with a new deadline in sight, Ellen found out that Matthew was trying to monopolize Alejandra’s services for the rest of the quarter. she knew that something had to be done. she’d have to talk with Matthew about their conflicting needs—tirades or not. But before setting up a meeting, she improved her negotiating position by obtaining Alejandra’s commitment to work on the newsletter for the following quarter. In the eventual meeting, Matthew was cold and closed-lipped; Ellen adopted assertive body language and tone of voice. When she revealed that Alejandra was locked up for the next quarter, Matthew’s face flushed and he exploded in anger. His behavior was predictable, but Ellen had prepared for it. she didn’t flinch but maintained steady eye contact while he vented. When Matthew saw that Ellen was not backing down or cowering, he stopped, though his arms keep flailing for the next few seconds. He took a deep breath and sat down, muttering a vague apology. Ellen acknowledged his apology and asked probing questions to find out what his concerns were and what mattered to him in regard to his advertising projects and deadlines. she shared her concerns in return and asked how they might move forward to resolve the issue. “Perhaps we can hire an outside contractor to fill the workload gap?” Matthew responded. “That something to think about,” Ellen said. “And as long as we’re considering options, let’s think of some more.” Ellen wrote their ideas on a legal pad as the two managers brainstormed the problem. Matthew slid his chair closer so that he could read the list (Exhibit 6-3). As this brainstorming session continued, their body language became more collaborative and the ideas flowed. When they finished, Ellen and Matthew were amazed at the number of options they had decided upon. They spent the next twenty minutes discussing the pros and cons of each one and, in the end, decided to divide their projects into smaller deadlines and assign the simpler tasks to the other two graphic artists. That would free up Alejandra for the more complicated work. In the end, each manager felt that his or her concerns were properly addressed. In this case Ellen, and Matthew broke out of an unsatisfactory either/or conflict by expanding their list of possible solutions for satisfying each person’s interests and needs. Ellen learned to be less passive and more assertive, and Matthew discovered how assertiveness, and not aggression, would help him get what he wanted. AMACOM Self Study Program http://www.amaselfstudy.org/
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xhibit 6-3 Matthew and Ellen’s Options • Hire an outside contractor. • Ask the boss to arbitrate the conflict. • Have Alejandra work one quarter on advertising materials and the next quarter on Ellen’s newsletter. • Pool their budgets and hire a new full-time worker. • Divide all projects into smaller milestone deadlines so that the company’s other two graphic artists can do the less critical tasks. • Ask management to relax its deadlines. • Take classes to enhance their own design skills so they can do more of the work themselves.
find Common ground finding the common ground helps people to focus on the needs, interests, and goals they share with others—for example, on their relationships, the success of the company, a civil and emotionally safe work environment, etc. finding common ground helps people to move beyond differences toward compromise and win-win solutions. In their conflict over resources, both Ellen and Matthew had a vested interest in the success of their company, which the quality of their product helped ensure. That common interest gave them a reason to maintain their relationship and work together. finding common ground and expanding their options helped them resolve a conflict that could have damaged both careers.
Aim for Win-Win The best selling book, Getting to Yes, by roger fisher, William urn, and Bruce Paten, offers a compelling argument on behalf of win-win solutions—outcomes that satisfy all parties. Consider the case of Jerry and Monique, two dueling sales managers: Jerry and Monique have been two of their company’s top grossing district sales managers during the past five years. They had always gotten on well together, which was easy since no conflicting issues divided them. However, once Harriet, the current manager of the highest producing territory, announced her retirement, the two began waging a fiercely competitive campaign to succeed her. Each felt that they were the most qualified and most deserving candidate. In fact, they had much in common: both were senior sales managers; both had won Producer of the Year award more than once; and both had highly positive 360-degree performance reviews in their personnel files. As their competition became more heated, the two began trading public verbal shots and lining up backers within the sales force and in the ranks of higher management. None of this was healthy © American Management Association. All rights reserved. http://www.amanet.org/
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for the company. Daniel, the regional sales manager to whom the two contenders both reported, understood this and held separate meetings with Jerry and Monique to voice his concern about their behavior. He implied that neither would get the position if that behavior continued. He offered the services of a third party to help them work through their disagreement. Jerry and Monique recognized that they had to talk. so, they met in a small conference room, turned off their cell phones, and instructed their assistants to hold all calls. Instead of sitting on opposite sides of the conference table, they sat on the same side, and turned their chairs towards one another. Monique suggested some ground rules: each would listen to the other and speak openly and honestly; put-downs and interruptions would not be tolerated. Jerry agreed and suggested that they begin by identifying their common ground, which they agreed to be (1) maintaining sales force morale, (2) making the company’s interests the top priority, and (3) keeping their working relationship intact. “After all,” Jerry said, “we’ve worked successfully in the past and have supplied solid leads to each other over the years. I’d like that collaboration to continue.” Jerry’s suggestion was agreeable to Monique, and both agreed they would solve their conflict without the intervention of a third party. “We’ll show Daniel that we can handle this matter on our own.” Once underway, each searched for the other’s interests and needs. Jerry and Monique spoke calmly and confidently, maintained eye contact and relaxed body language, and listened attentively. Jerry was the first to open up, expressing his concerns about retirement. “I’m older than you, Monique,” he explained, “and have a lot less time to build up my retirement fund. The prestige of managing our biggest sales territory would be nice, but less important to me than an increase in commissions, which would help me maximize my 401k plan contributions.” Monique confessed her own concern with building a retirement nest egg. “The larger issue for me,” she told Jerry, “is time—time with my husband and our two young kids. As it is now, my first sales call is typically more than an hour and a half from home. The sales territory we both want is much closer to where I live. If I had that territory, I’d be spending less time on the road and more time with my family—maybe an extra hour each day.” Having shared their concerns and priorities, Jerry and Monique began to discuss options that might suit both parties. Jerry mentioned some gossip he’d heard about the company’s plan to open up a new territory and said, “But I have no idea where it would be.” They agree to find out more and called Daniel on the speakerphone. “Well,” Daniel responded, “it’s not yet official, so keep it to yourselves, but we’ll be opening a new territory in January. I’m sorry that I didn’t mention it. I didn’t think either of you would be interested. A new territory means developing prospects from scratch. I plan to compensate for that by offering a higher salary during the first two AMACOM Self Study Program http://www.amaselfstudy.org/
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years. In the long run—maybe within ten years, the territory might be worth more than the one you two have been squabbling over.” “And where is this territory, Daniel?” Jerry asked. “Blue Valley.” Monique clasped her hands over her mouth to stifle a giddy shriek, then mouthed to Jerry, “That’s fifteen minutes from home!” she regained her composure and thanked Daniel for the information and for his time. Jerry followed suit. The two rivals hung up and each laughed in relief. “so, Blue Valley interests you?” Jerry asked. “Are you kidding?” she responded, “It’s practically in my backyard.” Jerry probed to be sure that his co-worker wasn’t merely grasping for a quick solution or backing off in order to appear accommodating. Monique confirmed that she wanted to learn more about the opportunity and its pros and cons before she decided. “I’ll talk with Daniel later in the week about the Blue Valley territory, and I’ll get back to you then.” With that idea, they ended their meeting amiably. A week later, Daniel announced that a new Blue Valley sales territory would be opened in January, with Monique as its manager. At the same time, he announced that Harriet would be retiring in July of that year, with Jerry acting as her successor. In this case, everyone with an interest in the matter was happy with the outcome. Jerry had a chance to significantly increase his commissions and retirement contributions. Monique would be working much closer to home and, over time, would have an opportunity to build Blue Valley into the company’s more lucrative sales territory. Daniel was also pleased as dissention within the sales team had ended, and he had retained two of its most productive members. In this case, taking the time and effort to explore concerns resulted not just in a win-win, but a win-win-win situation! In this instance, a win-lose outcome was avoided by expanding the list of possible options. Initially, Jerry and Monique were in a zero sum game, or a contest in which someone would win at another person’s expense. The fortuitous appearance of the new sales territory added a new conflict-breaking option that made a win-win possible.
Think About It . . . Every one of us has experienced conflict situations like the one involving Jerry and Monique. You and someone else had your sights on a single, apparently indivisible prize: a promotion, a change in company strategy or policy, an opportunity to be the starting quarterback in a football game, and so forth. “Think About It” continues on next page. © American Management Association. All rights reserved. http://www.amanet.org/
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Think About It continued from previous page. Describe one such episode from your work life and the people involved.
Initially, was this a win-lose (zero sum) situation?
Was any attempt made to expand the list of possible solutions? If yes, please describe. If not, what other solutions might have turned a win-lose situation into a win-win?
Win graciously You’re bound to encounter situations in which you feel you must win—when you simply can’t give in, back off, go along, or make nice. This might happen in an emergency situation, in which you have more experience and expertise than anyone else and you need to take charge. It might happen when you will never deal with the other person again, as when you’re selling your house to a stranger and moving across country. It might even happen when the relationship matters to you—you simply must win this time. In many situations, you’re expected to go for a victory: in a tennis match; in a political campaign; when you’re competing for a job; when you’re competing for a new client on behalf of your company; when you’re competing for product placement and shelf space against the competition, and so on. Winning in any case must be done with observable graciousness. Doing that can produce future benefits. for example, Alexander the great was only in his early 30s when he conquered much of the world, but he understood the value of winning graciously. Whenever he vanquished a foe, he praised the valor of his defeated adversaries, took many of their leaders into his service as soldiers and local administrators, and even sacrificed to their gods. Being gracious in victory increased the likelihood that Alexander could move on without fear of uprisings in conquered lands.
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Like Alexander, you should acknowledge the skills and effort of your opponents, thank the people who helped you win, and promise to use your victory for the common good. Avoid gloating, boasting, over-celebrating, taunting, and ridicule. By winning graciously, you’ll take home the prize and earn the respect and collaboration of others—even those you have defeated.
In this chapter, you learned techniques that will help you address the needs, interests, and concerns of other people—an important part of the assertiveness equation. You completed an assertive listening self-assessment to evaluate your listening recap skills, and practiced the three levels of assertive listening: listening to be aware, listening to learn, and listening to engage. Besides being a good listener, you can explore the needs and interests of others by creating a safe environment, asking probing questions, avoiding questions or statements that might provoke a defensive response, reciprocating, and being proactive in drawing people out. A major section of the chapter was devoted to the cultural barriers that make it difficult for people to communicate their needs and interests. These barriers have become more important as globalization and migration of people have intensified. Among the things to remember here are:
• • •
•
Time and trust-building. People in most Western and developed countries have no trouble getting right down to business when they communicate. People in other countries take things more slowly; they require a preliminary period of trust-building communication before discussing serious business. Power distance. In many countries where power is unequally distributed, people who lack power are reluctant to openly share their thoughts and feelings. You must create a safe environment if you hope to draw them out. Uncertainty avoidance. some countries, the u.s. among them, have a low level of uncertainty avoidance. rules are fewer and people are more willing to open up about their thoughts and feelings. High uncertainty avoidance culture is the opposite with more rules and people who are hesitant to reveal their thoughts and feelings. Collectivism and individualism. Collectivism is the degree to which a person’s identity is shaped by and attached to groups. Individualism, on the other hand, is the degree to which a person’s identity is shaped by his or her sense of self.
Once your communication style has succeeded in drawing out the needs and interests of others, how should you respond? In some cases, it makes sense to give in, especially if the relationship is more important than the issue. Compromise is another option. The best option, however, is to seek a win-win solution, which can often be achieved by looking for alternatives to the win-lose outcomes that initially present themselves. Win-win solutions can often be found when people look for common ground and use collaborative language.
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Review Questions 1. The statement “Burt’s stubbornness and insensitivity lost us the deal”
1. (c)
2. Which phrase best describes the skill of listening to learn?
2. (d)
3. In many non-Western cultures, trust comes from:
3. (d)
4. Which of the following is an example of a poor probing question?
4. (b)
5. People from high uncertainty avoidance cultures:
5. (a)
best represents: (a) a search for common ground. (b) collaborative language. (c) focusing on the person as the problem and not on the issue. (d) problem-solving language.
(a) The ability to feedback another person’s viewpoint and ask clarifying questions (b) The ability to ask probing questions without putting the other person on the defensive (c) The awareness of all the ambient sounds in the room in which you’re listening to a lecture (d) The ability to assimilate, abstract, and take notes on information presented in workshops and seminars (a) being aggressive during an initial meeting. (b) setting agendas for meetings and adhering to them. (c) getting right down to business. (d) taking extra time to establish relationships.
(a) What concerns you about this issue? (b) How could you possibly think that we’d be interested in that proposal? (c) What matters to you the most about the new billing procedures? (d) What brings you to this conclusion?
(a) may have difficulty handling ambiguity. (b) operate with fewer rules and laws. (c) welcome change as an opportunity. (d) are more willing to take risks than people from low uncertainty avoidance cultures.
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Identifying and Maintaining Assertive Boundaries at Work Learning Objectives By the end of this chapter, you should be able to:
• Identify assertive boundaries at work. • Explain how boundaries of respect, ethics,
time, health and safety, and discrimination can be maintained.
The previous chapters provided the foundation for your growing assertiveness. They showed you how to stand up for yourself and attend to others in positive ways. This chapter will take you to a more advanced level of assertiveness as you identify the boundaries you need to uphold for yourself at work, and learn how to deal with the difficult people who disregard those boundaries.
IdentIfyIng BoundArIes At Work In property disputes, surveyors locate and map the boundaries between abutting properties. Within their respective boundaries, landowners have the right to decide who may enter and who may not. A man’s home is his castle, as the saying goes, and even wealthy and powerful people must defer to the landowner on his or her own turf. Unwelcome persons who cross a boundary are guilty of trespassing and the landowner has a legal right to take action against them. A boundary, then, is a line of demarcation. In the case of property, that line may take the form of a physical barrier: a wall, a fence, a sign, or some other marking. In many cases, property lines are not obvious unless you know where the surveyor stakes are located. © American Management Association. All rights reserved. http://www.amanet.org/
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xhibit 7-1 Your Boundaries Health and Safety
Discrimination and Sexual Harassment
Respect
YOU
Ethics
Time
Unlike physical property boundaries, our personal boundaries are behavioral and psychological. We mark these boundaries with imaginary lines that we don’t allow others to cross against our wishes. These lines may be firm or flexible, depending on the person and situation that pushes against them. We may be passive, assertive, or aggressive in boundary defense. Just as we identify and maintain our own boundaries, we need to avoid crossing the personal boundaries set by others because violating boundaries, as Chapter 1 points out, signals aggressive behavior. This section describes key boundaries that must be maintained assertively: boundaries of respect, ethics, time, health and safety, and boundaries against discrimination and sexual harassment (Exhibit 7-1). Some may be more important to you than others, depending on where you are in terms of your assertiveness and your work situation.
Boundaries of respect The right to be treated with respect is one of the most basic human rights and one upon which the assertive person must always insist. According to the Markkula Center for Applied Ethics at Santa Clara University, “Each person has a fundamental right to be respected and treated as a free, equal, and rational person capable of making his or her own decisions” (Velasquez et al., 1988). In the workplace, respectful treatment may include being:
• • • • • •
Kept in the information loop. Spoken to in a civil manner. Listened to. Given the resources needed to do his or her job. Recognized for a job well done. Addressed by proper title (if appropriate). AMACOM Self Study Program http://www.amaselfstudy.org/
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Given specific and constructive feedback. Trusted. Able to choose how to do one’s job (within the organization’s rules and guidelines). Compensated appropriately in terms to education, experience, skills, and responsibilities.
In contrast, disrespect involves being yelled at, ignored or dismissed (not being listened to), being put down, called names, discussed behind one’s back, made the butt of jokes, manipulated, kept out of the information loop, treated condescendingly, spied upon, etc. These are behaviors that we should not tolerate and against which a boundary should be maintained. Be aware, though, that people who tell you the truth—no matter how painful—express a contrary view, and offer constructive criticism are not being disrespectful. If they use direct, objective language in communicating their thoughts, they’re being frank and honest (assertive in their own way), and showing respect for you.
Boundaries of ethics Many organizations consider ethical behavior one of the main qualities they look for in a job candidate, along with communication skills, problem-solving ability, and a sense of teamwork. Indeed, ethical scandals in the United States during the dot-com bust of 2000, at one of the major accounting firms, and in the Enron collapse made ethics a hot business topic and a subject of study in business school curriculums across the country. The topic of ethics, however, has long been a part of the organizational landscape. Companies hand out codes of conduct which employees and executives are expected to follow. Certain professions—legal, medical, accounting, architectural, military, civil service, among them—have professional codes which their members must not violate. Still, as individuals, we face many difficult ethical choices that affect us and those with whom we live and work. We are tempted periodically to cross ethical boundaries for purposes of expediency or for other reasons. In other cases, someone (perhaps higher up in the business hierarchy) pushes us to cross an ethical boundary in the pursuit of gain. And there are times when the ethical boundary is unclear. That’s why we need a grounding that is:
• • •
Beyond the law; laws aren’t always ethical (the segregationist laws of the old South, for example). Beyond religious rules; non-religious people also need to be ethical. Beyond social acceptance; what society accepts may violate ethics (racial discrimination in the United States and elsewhere was socially acceptable even when it was legally and ethically unacceptable).
In the workplace, ethical behavior takes the form of honesty, loyalty to legitimate goals, tolerance, respect for co-workers, respect for legitimate confidentiality, keeping private business to a minimum during working hours, and truthfulness. no one would quarrel with these behaviors. The challenge comes © American Management Association. All rights reserved. http://www.amanet.org/
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when one ethical standard conflicts with another. Consider this example: Samantha, a junior management consultant, has been scrupulously honest in tracking and invoicing clients for the time she spends on their projects. She has also been loyal to her company and to Ron, her boss. But now Ron is pressuring her to pad each client’s monthly bill with an extra hour of work—work she hasn’t actually done. An extra hour doesn’t amount to a lot of money for these clients, and Samantha is aware that her boss is under enormous pressure from above to increase revenues. But overbilling is dishonest, and she knows it. When she protests, Ron becomes very upset, accusing her of being disloyal and of not being a team player. “Have you forgotten all the help I’ve given you since you started working for me?” he complains. “I taught you the ropes. now, it’s time for you to help me.” In this example, Samantha finds her ethical sense of honesty is in conflict with her loyalty to Ron, who has been a good boss and who has advanced her career. Perhaps, you’ve found yourself in the same situation at one time or another. What should you do? The ethical solution in Samantha’s case is not difficult to determine. Padding client invoices is clearly unethical, and even illegal, and shouldn’t be done. Samantha owes an ethical duty of honesty to her clients; Ron, as her superivisor, shares that ethical duty. The ethical duty of honest easily trumps her loyalty duty to Ron, who has issued a dishonest request. Samantha should not consider padding the invoices. The question is, how would an assertive person explain this to Ron? Recalling what we learned about assertiveness in earlier chapters, Samantha should meet Ron’s request with direct, frank language supported with a firm voice tone, eye contact, and assertive body language as indicated here: Ron, you’re asking me to do something that is both unethical and dishonest. That’s not a fair or legitimate request. I know that you’re under pressure to increase monthly billings, and I’m eager to help you with that—if it means working long days, hunting for new business, whatever—but don’t ask me to pad my invoices. Instead of talking about doing that, let’s talk about how I and the rest of the team can legitimately increase revenues. By resisting Ron’s illegitimate request, Samantha has unheld her ethical boundary. And by asserting her eagerness to help Ron with the root cause of the problem, she has demonstrated loyalty to her boss.
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Think About It . . . Can you recall a situation in which, as in the case of Samantha and Ron, you find yourself in an ethical conflict? Please describe the situation and the ethical conflict below.
What decision did you make or what action did you take? What did you base your decision on: your feelings, religious guidelines, professional standards, social norms?
Boundaries of time for many people today, time is the most scarce and precious of commodities. People face more demands on their time in their work, home, and social lives than people faced a quarter century ago, partly because of the global economy and a highly competitive marketplace. Cell phones, Blackberry smartphones, and other electronic devices have put many people on-call around the clock. It’s no wonder, then, that so many of us have trouble maintaining a healthy life-work balance. A healthy balance addresses the needs of the workplace and the personal needs of the employee to:
• •
Honor obligations to friends and family (for example, tend to sick children). Have a life outside of work (such as hobbies, friendships, civic involvement, rest and recreation).
Some workplaces burden their employees with Saturday morning meetings, 12-hour days, emails, and telephone calls sent to vacationing employees. Unless employees assert their right to a reasonable life-work balance—their time boundary—those companies will take as much as they can get. The ca© American Management Association. All rights reserved. http://www.amanet.org/
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reer-driven employees of some professional enterprises—consultancies, investment banks, and so forth—are often willing to participate, even though burnout often results. one major accounting firm, for example, was so belabored by worker burnout that the firm required its managers to protect those employees from themselves. Managers did this by checking monthly time logs to identify burnout candidates and ordering those people to take time off. Unionized employees generally codify time boundaries through labor contracts, but the rest of us must establish and defend our own. deadlines, seasonal fluctuations in business activity, and other reasons make boundary defense difficult. Still, it’s important to look at how we spend our time, who makes demands on our time, whether those demands are reasonable and whether we can live with them, and where we will draw the line. A person on the passive side of assertiveness may allow others to draw that line: the coworker who pesters them to go out to lunch; the boss who likes to begin staff meetings at 5 PM; team members who ask a vacationing colleague to participate in telephone conferences. In contrast, a person on the aggressive side of the assertiveness scale will demand that others be “on-call” at all times and will fail to recognize that people have lives that don’t involve work. In your effort to develop greater assertiveness, you must:
• •
Locate a reasonable time boundary—that is, one that meets your needs and the legitimate needs of your employer. Hold the line against unreasonable encroachment.
Boundaries of Heath and safety Assertive people take responsibility for their health and safety. They get the medical care and information they need to live healthy lifestyles. They eat well, exercise, avoid unhealthy habits, get annual physical examinations, get sufficient sleep, and so forth. While passive people put their health and heathcare decisions entirely in professional hands, assertive people see heathcare as a collaborative effort involving themselves and their doctors. To that end, they ask questions about the side effects of prescription drugs, the success rate of medical procedures, and seek second opinions when they feel the need. And they make the final decisions about their care because it’s their health and they are the customer.
Think About It . . . Think back to your most recent medical encounters. Would you describe your interactions with your doctor or other healthcare provider as passive, assertive, or aggressive? Explain.
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Think About It continued from previous page.
Safety at work is also an aspect of health. People in the building trades, in steel-making, farming, fishing, police work, and fire-fighting face the most obvious job-related safety issues. But office workers should also be concerned. Ergonomically unsafe workdesks, keyboards, and chairs can result in repetitive motion injuries and even long-term disability. So-called “sick buildings” can produce immune system injuries and pulmonary problems. Assertive people do not waste time kibbitzing with their peers about workplace safety concerns; they do something about them. They speak up and describe problems to whomever is in a position to do something about them. In doing so, they don’t whine or beg; they pose their concerns as problems that need to be solved. Instead of demanding that something be changed (“Look, you have to fix this right away”), they offer to collaborate in changing the situation for the better as in this example: As I’ve indicated, the type of keyboard we’re using is ergonomically inferior to what’s now available and used in most office settings. I can provide you with the equipment reviews. We should replace these old keyboards before we start seeing cases of repeated motion injury— which can put a person on disability for months and cost the company! I will work with you in solving this problem. What do you say?
Boundaries of discrimination and sexual Harassment finally, it’s important to identify your boundary lines when it comes to workplace discrimination and sexual harassment. In the United States, the Civil Rights Act and other federal (and state) legislation protects people from discrimination based race, gender, color, religion, age, national origin, and, more recently, disability. federal law and laws in some states also protect you from sexual harassment. Some states require organizations to certify they’ve trained employees about sexual harassment issues, including its definition. despite these legal protections, self-protection makes sense, especially because complaints and legal suits can take a long time to be settled. In the meantime, those who lodge complaints often finds themselves in an uncomfortable position. Thus, it’s often best to stand up to discrimination and harassment before it becomes a real issue. Again, that means setting and enforcing boundaries at work. Discrimination discrimination is the negative stereotyping of people according to their membership in a group. It focuses on group identify rather than on individual merit;
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that is why it’s so destructive. discrimination may be overt—such as the hiring, firing, or promotion of a certain group of people over others—or it may be subtle—such as a joke about a minority group. discrimination, however, is not confined to race, gender, or age. Some companies give promotion preference to taller people, or pass over those who are overweight in favor of those who are slim. They may reward high-energy people over pensive types, or blond women over brunettes, or give the best jobs to graduates from a particular university. discrimination based on these characteristics is not covered under the law. Take a look at who gets promoted in your organization, and why. Look also at how your organization treats people from various backgrounds. determine if people are promoted based more on type than on individual skills and contribution. Most of all, evaluate how your organization’s policies, along with your co-workers, teammates, manager, and others, treat you. decide what you’ll accept and not accept—and where you’ll draw the line on discriminatory behavior. Sexual Harassment Sexual harassment is about power, not about sex. It may involve unwanted touching, invasions of personal space, lewd or suggestive language, pressure to date, pressure to have sex, nude photographs (sexual objectivisim), exposure of private parts, suggestive e-mails, off-color jokes, etc. Victims are often women and perpetrators often male, but it can be the reverse or it can be same-sex. Because sexual harassment creates a sense of shame in those being harassed, it can deny them their sense of self and self-worth—perhaps its most devastating consequence. As unpleasant as it is to think about sexual harassment, be aware of the signs and know where to draw the line. Usually the signs are words or behaviors that make you feel uncomfortable—whether or not they fall within the definition of the law and whether or not these same words or behavior make someone else feel uncomfortable. It’s what you perceive and feel that matters. on the other side of the coin, avoid stepping over anyone else’s sexual boundary. If you’re on the aggressive side of the assertiveness scale, you may be doing this without recognizing how another person perceives your behavior. If you have an off-color joke that you think is absolutely hilarious, think twice about telling it at work—you may offend someone without realizing it.
Exercise 7-1 Check Your Fences In this exercise, indicate which of your workplace boundaries are being respected or breached. 1. First, for each boundary, describe how you expect your superiors, co-workers, and organization to treat you and others. 2. Describe the reality of your workplace: how do your superiors, co-workers, and organization actually regard your boundaries? Two examples are provided. Exercise 7-1 continues on next page. AMACOM Self Study Program http://www.amaselfstudy.org/
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Exercise 7-1 continued from previous page. Boundary Respect
Your Expectations
to participate in decisions that affect me
Your Workplace Reality
not asked to participate; decisions are announced
Ethics
Time
Health
Stress
Discrimination
Sexual Harassment
MAIntAInIng AssertIve BoundArIes At Work now that you’ve identified your personal workplace boundaries, you need to maintain them. Assertive people don’t allow others to simply walk over them. This section will give you ideas on how to maintain your boundaries, even in very sensitive situations—as when your boss is the one who is invading your space. Maintaining boundaries at work (and elsewhere) is key to your growth as an assertive person. Without well-maintained boundaries, people will encroach on your rights and interests. You’ll think less of yourself as a result, and so will others. When you think less of yourself, you will risk slipping back into unasssertive ways. When someone steps over a boundary line (or is about to) you need to say “no,” either literally or through other words, body language, or actions that send the same message.
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say “no” Literally When people you like or wish to please ask for a favor, or for something else you’d rather not do, saying “no” may be difficult. You don’t want to sound cold, hurt their feelings, damage your relationship with them, alter your reputation as a nice person, or put your job at risk. There’s no guarantee that these undesirable things will happen, of course, so before you make a decision, weigh the consequences of saying “no.” There may be few or no adverse consequences if you say “no” frankly and assertively as in the following example: “I’d love to help you out, Sharon, but if your deadline for the project is tomorrow, I’m not in a position to do so. You’ll need to ask someone else. next time, please talk to me sooner.” notice that the speaker articulates his wish to be helpful, but states frankly—without apology or a litany of excuses—that he can’t participate. By saying, “next time, please talk to me sooner,” this person makes two assertive statements: (1) “I’m open to helping you in the future,” and (2) “I’m a busy person, so don’t expect me to drop everything to help you at the last minute.” When your boss is involved, however, it’s not such an easy decision. In that situation, it’s best to follow a “no” with a brief reason, supported by a strong voice and assertive body language. for example, your boss wants you to work over the weekend on a new employee manual: You say, “no, I’m taking my son up north for a weekend fishing trip. It’s his birthday.” She responds, “This is really important to me, can you change your plans?” “I’d like to,” you say, “but I don’t want to disappoint my son.” You have a good relationship with your boss, so you soften your refusal by adding, “I’ll put in extra time next week to help you out. How about first thing Monday morning?” (of course, you say this only if it’s something you’re willing to do.) Your boss pauses for a moment, then says, “okay, I’ll take you up on that offer. Thanks. And happy birthday to your son.” notice how the reasons in this example are direct and to the point. If you feel nervous and insecure about saying “no,” you’ll be tempted to offer a laundry list of excuses. Avoid doing this, because every excuse opens you up to a rebuttal and weakens your stand, as in the following example: Your boss has asked you to work over the weekend. You lower your eyes, fidget a bit, jangle the keys in your pocket and say, “Sorry, but I’m going out of town.” You clear your throat, then rattle off a list of excuses: “It’s my son’s birthday and I’m taking him on a fishing trip. He’s never been fishing and he’d be really disappointed if I had to call it off now. Besides, my airplane tickets are non-refundable and my wife needs me out of the home because she’s having a sleepover with her former sorority sisters and they don’t want a guy hanging
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around. So, I hope you understand. I’d be glad to help out if it weren’t this particular weekend.” This “no” response lacks the assertive frankness of the earlier example. It is weak and rambling, and is rife with excuses. Consider these other positive examples of people defending their workplace boundaries: You’ve been plagued by a newly-minted manager at your level who is demanding more and more of your time. You’re at your limit and have deadlines of your own to meet. When this person asks for help in putting his budget together, you say: “no, frank, I have a full schedule.” You avoid apologizing, yet you also say, “Budgeting is a big pain, but the best way to learn to do it is to dive in and handle it yourself.” You know he needs to take this step. By being firm, you protected your boundaries and stopped being an enabler to a co-worker who’s not working to his capacity. Here’s an example of how to respond to a marketing director who is pressuring you to oversell the benefits of the company’s newest product to a retailer. This violates your ethical boundary and you need to respond: “We have a quality product,” you say finally. “We don’t need to inflate its benefits.” “Everyone does it,” she responds. You reply, “no, they don’t. Even if they did, that wouldn’t be on the level.” You then throw out a probing question designed to put her on the defensive: “don’t you believe in our product?” This question sends an assertive message: that you know her request is not about the product, but about her desire to boost sales and revenues at any cost, even ethical, and you’re not going along. These previous examples all show you how to say “no” in frank, direct, and assertive ways when your boundaries are threatened. tip: shift to the offensive You’ve heard it a hundred times or more: “The best defense is a good offense.” In some cases, you can defend your boundaries from attack by asking or demanding the offending person to justify his or her request or behavior. If someone asks you to do something you regard as unethical, demand that that person justfy his or her request: “Can you explain to me how doing that wouldn’t violate the company’s ethics policy?” or “Is this something you’d want the board of directors to know about?”
“no” in other Words once you get used to saying “no” literally, you can use other words to mark your boundaries. Those may include “I” statements, words like “stop,” and
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even defensive-provoking “you” statements. You have a right to identify your boundaries and indicate that you don’t want them breached. To get your point across, be bold and brief, but put your bottom line up front. Square your shoulders, use a firm voice, and look the person straight in the eye. Here are some more examples of people identifying and protecting their boundaries in work situations: Speaking in front of others, Carla, your co-worker, has said something that put you down. The others chuckle and you feel your blood pressure rising. Rather than laugh it off as you have in the past, you step toward her and say firmly, “Carla, I didn’t think that was funny. You need to show more respect for others.” “I was only joking,” says Carla, still laughing, “don’t take it so seriously.” The others nod in agreement. “That was a put-down, not a joke. And it’s unacceptable to me. So, stop it.” This may end the conversation or someone may tell you that you’re overly sensitive, or the gathering may break up with people going their own ways as they chatter on about you, but you took a stand. Put-downs, especially in public, are indeed unacceptable. They cross the boundary of respect. If Carla is your boss instead of your co-worker, your response should be slightly different. Meet with her privately to let her know how you feel: “Carla, I felt disrespected when you said __________________ and that’s unacceptable to me.” If she says she was only joking, you might say, “That came across as a put-down, and put-downs cross the line. I want you to stop.” She may be your boss and she may try again, but you let her know where you stand. Here is another example of confronting a co-worker: A co-worker claims your idea as his own in a meeting with senior managers. You confront him afterward in private: “Jay, you just took credit for my idea in front of the bosses. That crossed the line as far as I’m concerned. If it happens again, I’ll let them know exactly whose idea it is and I’ll have the evidence to back it up. do you understand?” Your “you” statement puts Jay on notice and on the defensive. Your question “do you understand?” emphasizes the fact that you mean business and also puts him on the defensive. If Jay is your boss, you have a more difficult situation. Still, you must tell him that he’s crossed the line. You might, for example, add options: “If you can’t credit me for an idea like that, then credit the team. Say ‘we’ if you must. But if you credit yourself at my expense again, I’ll speak up.” notice that the example ends with a threat. When used sparingly and at the right moment, a threat can be effective way to stop someone’s bad behavior. once you issue a threat, however, be prepared to follow through.
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Your co-worker Becky often comes to work sick, passing on her ailment of the month to others in the office. Here she is today, wheezing, sneezing, and coughing all over everyone. You’ve reached your limit and use a collaborative “I” statement in speaking assertively to her: “Becky, coming to work sick puts the rest of us at risk, so I want you to stay home while you’re contagious.” Becky seems flustered: “I’m sorry. I thought I was doing the right thing. I don’t want to fall behind and make others pick up the slack.” You acknowledge her concerns and suggest that she can work at home and coordinate by telephone and e-mail. “If you do that,” you continue, “you won’t have to count your time at home as a sick day.” Becky agrees. She recuperates at home, while keeping up with her work. She returns two days later in better health and spirits. By standing up for your boundaries and listening to Becky’s concerns, you effectively said “no” to Becky’s well-meaning but problematic behavior, while leading the two of you toward a win-win solution.
say “no” right Away to sexual Harassment Sexual harassment is the most critical boundary infringement. While you’re legally protected in the workplace, it’s often difficult to prove sexual harassment since there are seldom witnesses. It’s the word of one person against that of another. Attempts to officially call the offender on the carpet often devolves into “she said/he said” accusations, and gray areas of behavior are often present. nevertheless, if you feel that you’ve been sexually harassed according to the law, you have every right, and even an obligation to yourself (and future victims), to take action. Short of legal action, you may decide to file a complaint with your organization, in which case you should familiarize yourself with the organization’s policy regarding sexual harassment. Ideally, before the harassment reaches this point, you will recognize it for what it is and say “no” right away to it. How can you know if someone is crossing the line? It’s when someone’s words, actions, or behavior makes you feel uncomfortable or threatened. This may not be the legal definition or your organization’s definition of sexual harassment. However, it’s your definition, and your definition is what matters in this situation. Sexual harassment often begins small: off-color remarks aimed at you; an unsolicited hug that doesn’t feel right; a request from the boss to work late with him alone and over dinner; an unsolicited shoulder rub, etc. You may be unsure of the intent behind these behaviors at this early stage, and so you hesitate to say anything, barring any escalation. At this stage, you need to be especially attuned to your feelings and be on guard. You have the right to act if you feel uncomfortable, even if you’ve misread the behavior. Here are some ways to say “no,” keeping in mind you need to use assertive nonverbal communication (AnC) along with your words. To the coworker who asks you to go out when you don’t want to, simply say: “no.” no © American Management Association. All rights reserved. http://www.amanet.org/
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explanation on your part is needed. An assertive “no” with the appropriate body language should suffice. don’t fish for reasons, don’t feel guilty about hurting someone’s feelings. If he or she asks again, you can say, “When I said ‘no,’ I meant ‘no’ so don’t ask me again.” If the co-worker persists and asks again, you must act. You might say, “I’ve told you several times to stop asking me out. If you continue, I’ll file a complaint with human resources.” of course, you can say this any time after the first “no.” In response to the off-color remark, say: “That’s disrespectful and unprofessional. don’t do that again.” If the person laughs it off and persists, make it clear that you are documenting the what and when of each such remark. In response to the uncomfortable hug, say: “Back off.” If it happens again, say: “no. I told you, I don’t want you hugging me.” And then say in a louder voice: “Get away from me.” It’s okay if others hear you. If the person persists, your uttering the phrase “sexual harassment” will likely have the effect of a cold shower. “do you understand what sexual harassment means at this company?” (Then, pause to let the words sink in.) “If you don’t, I’ll make sure that the HR department explains it to you.” To your boss who wants you to work late alone with him or her, say “no” if you don’t want to work late. Then, give a reason: “My evenings are planned. I’d be glad to work with you tomorrow if that would help.” tip: two things to remember about sexual Harassment 1. Clear up any self-doubt. The early stages of sexual harassment often create self-doubt: “Carla’s behavior seems uncomfortably friendly. Is she hitting on me or am I imagining things? Perhaps, I’ve encouraged her in some way. This makes me uncomfortable, she being my boss and all.” This type of self-doubt may prevent a person from reacting assertively. If you find yourself in this situation, here’s a tip: Treat your suspicion as a hypothesis: “My hypothesis is that Carla is hitting on me, even though I haven’t invited that behavior.” now, test the hypothesis by staying clear of Carla at every opportunity. If she keeps after you, you can reasonably conclude that you’re not imagining things and that your hypothesis is correct. You can then confront the situation with clarity of mind and no self-doubt. 2. Nip the problem in the bud. Sexual harassment often begins with something minor and, if the victim fails to confront it assertively, gradually escalates. The perpetrator interprets the victim’s failure to confront (that is, to say “no”) as an invitation for more contact. don’t allow this cycle of escalation to get underway. Stop it before it builds momentum. If, however, you find yourself caught in an escalating situation, follow your organization’s policy on filing a complaint. If your company brushes you off, consider consulting a lawyer. Also, report the harassment to your manager (if he or she is not the offender), and alert coworkers whom you trust so that they can watch for incidents and serve as witnesses.
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Exercise 7-2 Saying “No” Recollect a workplace situation in which you assertively enforced a boundary or protected your interests by saying “no” to someone—either literally or by implication. Use this exercise to revisit the circumstance, who was involved, and the result. 1. Where, when, and under what circumstances did you take a stand? What did you say “no” to?
2. What was your relationship to the other person (co-worker, boss, etc.)?
3. How did the other person respond to your taking a stand, and how did that affect your relationship?
4. Did saying “no” have the desired effect? Explain.
5. How did saying “no” make you feel (proud, empowered, more confident, etc.)?
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In this chapter, you learned about the boundaries of respect, ethics, time, health and safety, discrimination and sexual harassment. You learned why these types of boundaries are important to you, and how you can defend them against RECAP encroachment by others. Maintaining boundaries is essential to your growth as an assertive person. Without well-maintained boundaries, people will encroach upon your rights and interests. When someone threatens one of your boundaries, the assertive person says “no,” either literally or through body language or actions. Saying “no” to people you like and to your boss can be difficult. The chapter offered examples of how you can assertively say “no” to these individuals without seeming defiant or uncooperative. Sexual harassment is the most critical boundary infringement and is often the most difficult one to deal with. The best antidote to sexual harassment is to clearly and assertively insist that the perpetrator stop right now, since failing to take a stand may be interpreted by the perpetrator as an invitation for further bad behavior. If your best defensive efforts fail to produce results, you should report the matter to your boss (if he or she isn’t the source of the problem), or to your human resource department. If they fail to take effective action, consider consulting a lawyer.
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Review Questions 1. A reasonable time boundary is one that:
1. (c)
2. The best point at which to assertively confront sexual harassment is:
2. (b)
3. The early stages of sexual harassment often create _____________,
3. (b)
4. _____________ takes the form of honesty, loyalty to legitimate
4. (d)
5. Respect is one of the most basic:
5. (c)
(a) maximizes free time for you. (b) maximizes hours for your company. (c) meets your needs and the legitimate needs of your employer. (d) eliminates wasted time.
(a) once it has escalated to a dangerous level. (b) when it first begins. (c) after you have discussed the problem with your boss. (d) when the human resources department gives you the formal go-ahead. which may prevent a person from reacting assertively. (a) a romantic illusion (b) self-doubt (c) a sense of divided allegiance (d) befuddlement
goals, tolerance, respect for co-workers, respect for legitimate confidentiality, and truthfulness. (a) Subordinate assertiveness (b) Workplace effectiveness (c) Boundary defense (d) Ethical behavior (a) theories of individualism. (b) points of negotiation in situations of conflict. (c) human rights. (d) limitation of free action.
Do you have questions? Comments? Need clarification? Call Educational Services at 1-800-225-3215 or e-mail at
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Assertiveness and Dealing with Difficult People Learning Objectives By the end of this chapter, you should be able to:
• Describe and implement four techniques for •
dealing with difficult and hostile people. Describe practical methods for dealing with workplace bullies.
Perhaps the greatest test of assertiveness is experienced when we have to deal with difficult people. You’ll encounter many difficult people in the workplace, including the ones you said “no” to in the previous chapter. These people may not have pushed you to your limit, but that may not serve your best interests. Difficult people include:
• • • • • • • •
Unreasonable and angry customers. Uncooperative co-workers. Temperamental and abusive bosses. Underperforming subordinates who refuse to improve. Combative workplace rivals. Hardball negotiators. Pushy sales people. Workplace bullies.
Perhaps, you know of other types of difficult people you could add to this list. These are people who show no respect but demand it from you. They insist that you subordinate your rights and interest to their rights and interests. They take, but give nothing in return. As far as they’re concerned, what’s theirs is theirs, and what’s yours is negotiable. They ignore your legitimate orders, or don’t seem to understand the meaning of “no.” With some, every encounter © American Management Association. All rights reserved. http://www.amanet.org/
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is a test of wills, and every concession you make in pursuit of an agreeable solution merely provokes greater demands.
Four Techniques For DeAling wiTh DiFFiculT PeoPle Difficult people will test everything you’ve learned in this course. What follows are some techniques that will help you emerge from encounters with them with both your boundaries and your interests intact. They are:
• • • •
The screaming rant defense. The broken record technique. Fogging. Negative inquiry.
The screaming rant Defense It’s tough dealing with angry, out-of-control people who yell and scream. How best to handle them depends on whether their target is you or something related to your company, such as its products’ service. Depending upon the circumstance, one of the following approaches may help you. Let Them Vent One staple defense is to simply allow the irate person to vent his or her feelings—that is, to blow off negative energy. For this technique to succeed, you want to be a “Teflon” person and let all that hostility and negative energy blow past you without sticking. In most cases, this person isn’t attacking you personally, and he or she will eventually run out of steam. The best advice in these situations is to:
• • •
Remain composed; don’t allow the irate person’s emotions to infect yours. Don’t take it personally; it’s not about you. Avoid the temptation to ask questions while the person is blowing off steam, such as, “What’s your problem, sir?” That question is as likely to ratchet up the person’s anger as to dissipate it.
If you listen to the rant, you’ll find out the cause, and once he or she calms down, you can work toward a resolution, such as the following example: “We’re very sorry that you’ve missed your connection, Mr. Burke. The snow storm in the Midwest has grounded all flights coming in from Chicago and Detroit, including yours. I’ll try to find you a seat on another outgoing flight. This will take just a minute.” Leave the Rant if It’s About You On the other hand, if the rant’s about you and the person has truly lost selfcontrol, you may not want to stay and listen to his or her screaming attack. Nor are you obligated as your first obligation is to yourself. Say to the person, AMACOM Self Study Program http://www.amaselfstudy.org/
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“let’s talk about this after you’ve calmed down,” or, “Once you’ve calmed down, I’ll be glad to discuss this matter.” Or, if the rant is particularly abusive, “I’m going across the street for some coffee. If you’d like to discuss this in a civil manner, you’re welcome to join me,” or some similar response. You may also leave without saying anything. Once the storm has passed, though, arrange a time to meet. You need to find out what provoked the outburst, whether it’s valid, and whether it was about something you did or need to correct.
Think About It . . . Think about a time when someone yelled uncontrollably at you about a product, service, or your company. How did you deal with the outburst? Did you yell back, listen, hint that the person was the problem, or try to resolve the situation?
Did the situation turn out well? If not, why not? What would you do now to handle it better?
The Broken record Technique In his groundbreaking book, When I Say No, I Feel Guilty, Manuel Smith claims that persistence plays an essential role in assertive thought and behavior. With that in mind, he created the broken record technique. Similar to a vinyl record needle that gets stuck in a groove and repeats the recording over and over, this technique repeats the bottom line, or core message, again and again. For example, with this technique, you use the same words or slightly altered words to reach people who aren’t listening to you, who are manipulating you, who may be ignoring you, who are resisting you, or who are saying “no” to you about something that matters to you. let’s look at this example of this technique in use.
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Julia’s team is discussing a plan to open a new sales territory. She’s very concerned about some assumptions of the plan. “We really don’t know how many qualified buyers are in the new territory,” she tells the others. “I think we should do a demography study first— the census data we’re working with is already nine years old.” Wesley, who has been pushing the plan, nods. Then he starts talking about staffing the sales effort in the new territory. He’s acting as through Julia isn’t even in the room. Undeterred, she stays on message. “Staffing’s important, Wes, but we need to begin with a clear understanding of customer demographics.” No one responds to her suggestion and the team proceeds to talk about whether to hire a new sales rep or rely on the in-house sales staff. Unwilling to be brushed off, Julia interrupts once again, “It doesn’t make sense to commit resources to this until we know more about the demographics of the territory. We’re flying blind at this point.” “Thanks for your input, Julia,” Wesley says dismissively, “but we need to press forward because the competition already has a head start.” “Are we doing this because vieMart jumped the gun?” she demands assertively. “What if they’re wrong? What if we’re wrong? Won’t we look foolish if we jump into this with no reliable demographical data?” Her persistence finally gets the team’s attention and they agree to talk about demographic data. In her book, Say What You Mean—Get What You Want, Jud Tingley offers several examples of the broken record technique. One of them lays out a repeated message in a discussion of a company’s policy. The speaker says, “I think different policies would work.” The next time, the speaker states, “I think we need to change the transfer policy now.” The third time, the speaker delivers the flip side of the message, “Similar policies for different situations isn’t a good solution.” This speaker successfully drives home the same message with slightly altered words. Most people back down when others ignore their ideas. They give up, but you don’t have to. Instead, be persistent. Use the broken record technique to get your ideas onto the agenda. This will help you feel and be more assertive.
Exercise 8-1 The Broken Record Technique Put yourself in the following situation. Your desktop computer is showing signs of an impending hard drive failure. You’re concerned about losing your data to a disk crash. Also, if the drive fails, you’ll be unproductive for several days while tech support gets a new machine, loads it with your software and backup files, and gets you back online. You don’t want that to happen, but every time you call tech support, they ignore your request with “We’re very busy this month.” Exercise 8-1 continues on next page. AMACOM Self Study Program http://www.amaselfstudy.org/
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Exercise 8-1 continued from previous page. In this exercise, your job is to become the “broken record” in speaking to your contact at tech support. To do that, create a concise, clear, and compelling message that states your concern and asks them to address it quickly. Every time your listener ignores that message, respond with a slightly altered version. 1. Create your core message here. Keep it concise, clear, and compelling. And assertive!
2. The tech support employee says, “Yeah, it could be a hard drive problem, but maybe not. I can get someone to look at it in about two weeks.” What is your response? Remember to stay on message.
3. “Well, if the drive fails before we can get to it,” says the tech support employee brusquely, “we’ll simply replace it. That will only take a few days.” What is your broken record response? Repeat what you’ve been saying, but in a different way.
Fogging Another technique, this one created by Manuel Smith in his book, When I Say No, I Feel Guilty: How to Cope Using the Skills of Systematic Assertive Therapy, is called fogging. It’s particularly useful when handling someone’s criticism of you. Through this technique, you create a verbal fog to shroud the criticism and make it less sharp. You do this by agreeing to the part of the criticism that’s true. This placates your critic and leaves him or her without much else to say, as in the following two examples: Robert is packing his things at work and leaving early because he needs to take his daughter to the dentist. A co-worker, les, looks at others in the office and zings, “Isn’t that just like Robert, leaving work early and leaving us to wrap up?” Robert knows that he has gone home early on occasions, but really not much more often than others. les’s remark is an attempt to induce guilt or shame. “You’re right, les,” he say, “I sometimes leave work before the end of the day. When I do, I come in early the next morning to make up for it.” A fellow employee criticizes you for not being a team player. Specifically, she complains that you’ve been slow in responding to e-mails © American Management Association. All rights reserved. http://www.amanet.org/
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from team members, which delays their work. You recognize that there’s some truth to this. You’re often so caught up in your work that you put off responding for a day or two. You say, “Yes, it does seem like I’m not a team player when I don’t get right back to you. I’ll answer your e-mails promptly from now on and keep you up-todate on my part of our projects.” This response leaves the critic with little more to say. As these examples show, fogging can help you deflect hurtful criticism. Yet, it also pushes you to take an honest look at yourself and your behavior. When criticism has a kernel of truth, acknowledge it and say what you’ll do to deal with the problem. Then, follow through what you have promised.
negative inquiry A third technique Manuel Smith created is the negative inquiry. It helps you deal with criticism while you gain more information about what’s behind it. Negative inquiry may begin with the phrase, “I don’t understand,” followed by a question. let’s look at an example: les says, “Isn’t that like Robert, leaving work early?” Robert responds, “I don’t understand. What is it about my leaving early that concerns you?” les says it means that others have to complete more tasks, turn off the photocopy machine, and turn on the alarm. Robert again asks, “Why does having to do those tasks on occasion bother you, les?” Robert keeps digging to find out what les and his co-workers are upset about. He learns that they must do all the office close-down chores themselves, which he seldom does. So, he offers to do these more often. You can also use negative inquiry by leaving off the “I don’t understand” part and getting right to the question. For example, “So, my leaving early concerns you?” or “What do I do that isn’t being a team player?” In each case, this technique deflects the person’s criticism of you as an individual to a criticism of a particular behavior. The two of you can then talk objectively about the behavior, taking the focus off you. Negative inquiry is another way to ask probing questions that dig beneath the surface of an issue. It’s an especially assertive technique because you seek information about your job performance and show an interest in maintaining your relationships.
DisArming The workPlAce Bully Do you remember the 160-pound fifth grader who used to grab your hat and toss it on top of the neighbor’s garage? “So, wanna do something about it?” he would laugh. This was the same annoying moron that others would cross the AMACOM Self Study Program http://www.amaselfstudy.org/
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street to avoid—the neighborhood bully. Bullying is intentionally causing harm to others, usually by people who are bigger, stronger, more aggressive, or who have more social, or organizational power than their “targets.” It happens routinely on school playgrounds and can also be seen in the workplace, where it is expressed through verbal and sexual harassment, name-calling, coercion, manipulation, isolation, and mocking of the less powerful. Criticizing the target’s appearance, ethnicity, religion, or race is also a method of bullying. The bully’s motivations may be:
• • • •
An inner need to dominate others. An uncontrolled authoritarian personality. An urge to elevate his or her public image or self-esteem by demeaning others. envy or resentment of the target.
While the schoolyard bully is familiar to most people, research indicates that bullying is also a feature of many workplaces, and usually takes place without violating organizational rules or policies. relevant stats A poll sponsored by the Workplace Bullying and Trauma Institute (WBTI) found that bullying is three times as prevalent as illegal discrimination and at least 1,600 times as prevalent as workplace violence. given those statistics, the poll finding that 37 percent of U.S. workers have directly experienced bullying is not surprising. Other research conducted by the Workplace Bullying and Trauma Institute reveals that 81 percent of workplace bullies are in supervisory or executive positions, which makes it very difficult for victims to complain or obtain remedies. To get relief and help, they must go over or around their bosses. Demographically, half of the bullies are men and half women, although 75 percent of the targets are women. That doesn’t tell the full story, however. While men target women less often—69 percent of the time, women target other women 84 percent of the time (Namie, 2003). The assumption is that women are less assertive than men and therefore, more vulnerable. The reality is that both unassertive and assertive people can be targets of bullying. Assertive people, though, have higher selfawareness and self-esteem and the greater ability to stand up for themselves and their interests.
understand the Bully’s goal For whatever psychological reason, the goal of the bully is to control or diminish the stature of others. He or she seeks to do this through constant criticism, diminishing or denying the target’s achievements, inflicting public humiliation, screaming, withholding resources, blaming, using the silent treatment, and making threats (of job loss). Behind this aggressive behavior, however, it’s not unusual to find an insecure, emotionally undeveloped, © American Management Association. All rights reserved. http://www.amanet.org/
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unempathetic person who feels vulnerable. Once you understand this weakness and recognize the bully’s goal to control, you’ll be in a position to resist his or her intimidation and the negative self-image that intimidation aims to create within you.
Determine if you’re a Target As with sexual harassment, it’s crucial to recognize bullying behavior sooner rather than later. early recognition will give you your best chance to stop it before it becomes a real problem, or get yourself out of the line of fire. And, like sexual harassment, you may be unsure that you’re a target. Indeed, if this person is belittling you, you may blame yourself or think that her or his perception of you and your work is accurate. To determine if you’re in the bully’s line of sight, go back to your boundaries, especially the boundary of respect. Reflect on what you should reasonably expect in terms of respectful treatment at work. If someone, including your boss, habitually derides and belittles you, withholds praise when you deserve it, blames you, gives you insufficient resources to do your job, keeps you out of the information loop, takes credit for your work, and so on, you’re very likely the target of a bully. And that person has crossed your boundary of respect. You need to take a stand and not accept this unconscionable behavior.
Protect your “self ” Because the bully aims to tear you down, your goal as an assertive person should be to build and maintain strong self-esteem and a positive self-identity. Remember, the bully is happiest when his or her self-esteem is high and your self-esteem is low. You must construct a protective shield around your “self.” To accomplish this, follow these two steps: Step 1. eliminate self-doubt. Begin by eliminating any self-doubt about your worth as a person. Assess your personal strengths and weaknesses and ask friends and co-workers whom you trust to do the same. If these assessments are positive and the bully’s are negative, you know that the bully is off-base. He or she is the one with the problem, not you. Recognizing this fact will erase self-doubt and provide a solid base for your assertive response. Step 2. Muster all the assertiveness skills you’ve learned to this point and use them to stand up for your needs and interests:
• • • •
Say “no,” using assertive nonverbal communication. Use the broken record technique to stay relentlessly on message. If a co-worker bully criticizes you, remind that person that “I don’t work for you.” If a bullying boss criticizes your work, ask for specifics about performance shortfalls. As a boss, he or she should have developed and shared with you a set of performance metrics linked to your job description (such as the number of sales calls per day, timely responses to customer inquiries, etc.). If your boss can’t demonstrate that you’ve fallen short of these metrics, he or she may stop. AMACOM Self Study Program http://www.amaselfstudy.org/
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•
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Avoid using “I” statements that reveal your vulnerabilities, such as “I feel uncomfortable when you ________.” Remember, the bully wants you to feel uncomfortable. Instead, send the message verbally and nonverbally, through your actions and job performance, that you don’t buy into the bully’s criticisms and attempts to control you. Develop visible links to influential people. Become a collaborator, ally, or information source for people who have clout in the organization—that is, people would could either come to your support in a showdown, or make the bully pay a high price for future misbehavior. This is the “Mess with me and you mess with my friends” strategy that makes aggressive individuals (and nations) think twice. NATO (the North Atlantic Treaty Organization) deterred aggression for half a century using this approach. Under the terms of its alliance, an attack on any member nation is considered an attack on all members. The same tactic can work for you. Document every incident. You may have to take this problem to a higher authority if you cannot settle it yourself. With that in mind, begin building a case from the beginning. Create a record of every incident: what happened, what was said by whom, the date and time, and the names of any witnesses. Subtlely let the bully know that you are documenting his or her bad behavior. That alone may put an end to the problem.
Blow the whistle If you counter with any of the tactics described above, your bully might back off, especially if weaker, less assertive victims are available. And if you’re allied with strong people, or known to be documenting each offense, the bully may think you’re too dangerous to deal with. On the other hand, this person might not be totally rational. He or she may consider your assertive resistance a personal challenge—a worthy target for domination. In that case, the bullying will escalate. If that happens, the best course is to report the bullying behavior. If a co-worker is the problem, speak with your boss. If your boss is the offender, contact the human resource department. In either case, having a well-documented record of the various incidents will help you greatly and increase the likelihood that something will be done. A well-managed organization has real incentives for giving cases like yours its attention. If you are a valued employee, it doesn’t want to lose you or have your productivity impaired by a rogue employee. Further, if you are being harassed, it’s possible that the bully is doing the same to others, reducing productivity and workplace satisfaction more generally—and at the company’s expense. If the company does not come to your aid, consider a legal remedy. Consult an attorney with experience in labor law.
get yourself out of the Bull’s-eye Unfortunately, not every organization takes employee complaints seriously. Further, your human resources department may lack the backbone to stand up to a workplace bully, especially if he or she is highly placed in the organ-
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ization. Be prepared for a lukewarm, if not cold, response. If you can obtain no redress from company officials, and if your assertive responses to the bully aren’t working, you are in a bind. You can continue to tough it out, surrounding yourself all the more with your workplace allies, or you can consider another option: getting yourself out of the bull’s-eye. To get yourself out of the bull’s-eye, you must disappear as a target, either by moving to another department or by taking a job outside the company. This may be a bitter pill, and it can be costly in terms of retirement benefits, lost seniority, and so forth. But no one should stay in a toxic working environment. Moving on is a demonstration of self-empowerment and personal courage—both assertive acts. And who knows, you might soon find yourself asking (as many do), “Why didn’t I leave that place sooner?”
Think About It . . . Have you had any experience with a workplace bully, either as a “target” or as an observer? What was this person’s position relative to his or her target (boss, co-worker, peer)?
What type of bullying behavior was involved?
Was the company aware of that behavior, and if it was, what did it do about it?
What did the target do in response to this bullying? Was that response effective or not?
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Think About It continued from previous page. Looking back on the experience, what would have been the most effective response to this person’s bad behavior?
In this chapter, you learned how to deal with difficult people—unhappy customers, aggressive rivals, and so forth, using the following techniques:
RECAP
• •
•
The screaming rant defense. This defense allows the other party to release his or her hostility and anger, taking care not to let any of it stick to you. Once that negative energy has dissipated, engage the person in an effort to solve the problem. The broken record technique. This approach aims to get a point across to people who will not listen—who tune you out. You break through by repeating your point again and again in slightly altered words and sentences, always staying on message. Fogging. A technique in which a person agrees with the part of a critical comment that is true. This may leave the difficult person with nothing more to say. Negative inquiry. This technique uses probing questions to learn more about the difficult behavior or performance. It may be useful when you’re being criticized.
The balance of the chapter concerned bullies and how to deal with their behavior. Bullying is a feature of many workplaces and can negatively affect the lives of many employees. You learned about the goals and behavior of bullies, and how they target individuals in order to control them and to fuel their own fragile sense of self-esteem. You learned several ways of dealing with bullies: developing supportive alliances, documenting incidents, getting out of the bully’s sights, and seeking a remedy with a higher authority.
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Review Questions 1. Which of the following best represents a negative inquiry?
1. (c)
2. Which of the following is the most suitable technique for dealing
2. (c)
3. A person who has a need to control others or to reduce their
3. (a)
4. An acceptable technique for dealing with a screaming person who
4. (c)
5. A technique that creates a verbal shroud around a difficult person’s
5. (d)
(a) “You’re right, it’s not good to wait until the last minute, is it?” (b) “No, I do understand, why don’t you?” (c) “I don’t understand. What is it about my meeting management skills that concerns you?” (d) “Is it not time to move forward on our new branding initiative?” with a person who ignores what you say? (a) Fogging (b) Negative inquiry (c) Broken record technique (d) Screaming rant defense
self-esteem is: (a) a bully. (b) an angry customer. (c) a user of negative inquiry technique. (d) an assertive manager.
has focused his or her hostility on you personally it to: (a) make a concession. (b) accept the hostility. (c) walk away. (d) scream back. criticism, and make it less sharp is called: (a) obfuscation. (b) cognitive dissonance. (c) negative inquiry. (d) fogging.
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9
From Assertiveness to Influence Learning Objectives By the end of this chapter, you should be able to:
• Define influence. • Describe the role of influence in the work•
place. Describe three building blocks of influence.
One of the consequences of transforming yourself from the passive to the assertive mode is that you will have an opportunity to stand out in your organization. Instead of being a part of the background scenery, you will become more visible. What you say and do will command greater attention from people with whom you have contact: your co-workers, boss, customers, and subordinates. The aggressive person also stands out, but often in negative ways. By recalling what Chapter 1 described as the characteristics of passive and assertive individuals, we note that:
• •
The passive person does not stand up for his or her interests or views, but subordinates them to those of others; the assertive person speaks his or her mind and makes clear his or her agenda. The passive person does not share his or her views or what he or her sees as important, and, therefore is not on other people’s radar; the assertive person does the opposite.
Transforming to the assertive mode has another important workplace benefit: it gives a person the opportunity to exercise influence. A person who has developed assertiveness is in a position to influence people and events and to contribute more fully to the organization and to his or her own satisfaction. Possessing assertiveness will assure that you won’t be treated as a doormat. In © American Management Association. All rights reserved. http://www.amanet.org/
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that sense, it is both self-serving and self-protecting. If you want to make a real mark in your workplace, however, you must do more than serve or protect yourself; you must expand that assertiveness beyond your personal needs and interests to the needs and interests of the a larger organization. You will need to develop and exercise influence. This chapter will help you understand influence, its function in the workplace, and how you can use it for the benefit of your organization and for your own career.
WhAt Is InFluence? Influence is the ability to change the thinking or behavior of others without compulsion, threats, or formal orders. In this sense it is closely related to persuasion. Every organization, industry, and field of endeavor contains individuals who have this ability. Some individuals have exercised influence on a grand scale. Consider the late W. Edwards Deming (1900-1997), who was one of the founders of the quality movement that transformed manufacturing and service industries worldwide. Deming earned a B.S. in engineering from the University of Colorado, then went on to earn a Ph.D. in physics at Yale University. Early in his career in industry, Deming came in contact with Walter Shewhart, a pioneering statistician then working at AT&T’s Bell Laboratories. Shewhart was successfully applying his statistical craft to quality control problems in AT&T’s manufacturing operations. What Deming learned from Shewhart, he further developed and began applying to American industry. During World War II, he and his associates trained thousands of manufacturing managers in the principles of quality control, helping U.S.industry turn out more and better quality goods for the war effort. Once the war was over, Deming was one of many technical experts brought to Japan by the U.S. occupation government, which was helping its leaders rebuild their war-torn economy. At their invitation, Deming delivered a series of lectures on statistical quality control to Japanese managers and engineers. Japanese products, he told them, had a bad reputation. (In those days, “Made in Japan” meant shoddy, cheap junk.) Only the adoption of better manufacturing methods based on quality control principles, Deming argued, would change that reputation and put the country back on the map as an important industrial nation. Deming’s lectures made such an impression that he was invited to conduct a series of courses for Japanese manufacturing engineers. From that small beginning, Deming’s concepts were propagated around the country; almost 15,000 engineers and managers were trained in his methods of statistical quality control. The quality movement became an obsession in post-war Japanese industry, and Deming, who was widely admired and respected, was its leading guru. The Union of Japanese Scientists and Engineers eventually established the annual “Deming Award” to honor their American mentor and the corporations that embraced his quality principles. Meanwhile, across the Pacific, American industry was basking in post-war prosperity; the quality principles it had learned from Shewhart and Deming went slowly out of fashion. By the 1970s, exports from Japan were coming into American markets, AMACOM Self Study Program http://www.amaselfstudy.org/
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where they enjoyed enormous success. These “Made in Japan” products—automobiles, motorcycles, consumer electronics, outboard motors, lawnmowers, and so forth—were no longer stigmatized as cheap junk, but were considered as the best-made products in the world. Products built by Sony, Toyota, nissan, Honda, and other Japanese companies were now taking huge chunks of business away from their U.S. competitors. Before long, American CEOs were begging Deming to teach his principles of statistical quality control both to them and their managers, and Deming, already in his 70s, became the most sought after consultant in the nation. He remained active as a consultant and author almost to the end of his life at age 97. And wherever he spoke, he drew large crowds. In the world of modern industry, few people have exercised as much influence as W. Edwards Deming. As a solo consultant to industry, Deming had no formal power—no large organization or money behind him. He had no formal authority to command anyone to do anything. In a world that glorifies youth, he was usually twice the age of the people with whom he worked. But Deming was an assertive person armed with compelling ideas, which he offered with disarming clarity and logic. Those qualities made him an effective agent of change.
Exercise 9-1 Your Experiences with Influence It’s possible that you had never heard of W. Edwards Deming before reading the above passages. However, you’ve probably known people who, like Deming, have wielded considerable influence in the nation, in your community, in your industry, or where you work. Think of one person in particular, then answer the following questions: 1. Who was this person?
2. In what sphere did this person exert influence (political life, the workplace)?
3. Describe this person’s personal qualities as best you understand them.
4. Did this person exhibit passive, assertive, or aggressive behavior?
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Exercise 9-1 continued from previous page. 5. What do you believe was the source (or sources) of this person’s influence?
6. How did this person’s influence manifest itself (such as, people generally went along with his or her suggestions, etc.)?
the Role oF InFluence In the WoRkplAce If you visit the executive suite of your company or the human resources department, you can obtain an organization chart like the one in Exhibit 9-1, which describes the various departments, function, and reporting relationships. On paper, this shows how the parts of the company are interrelated, who reports to whom, how orders are passed down from the top, and how information is passed up from lower levels to the top. But, as everyone who works in organizations understands, the organization chart fails to explain the full story, as these examples indicate: Because of his assertive advocacy for a new product line, Bill, a market research analyst, has influence far in excess of his organizational stature: the vice President of Manufacturing is very interested in Bill’s ideas, and even the Chief Operating Officer is talking with him. Jill, the head of Human resources, officially reports to the Chief Operating Officer, but the new CEO is so interested in her program for improving employee retention that he meets with her for coffee several times each month. “If she’s successful,” he tells people, “we could reduce employee turnover by 10 percent and save $4 million a year in recruiting and training costs.” vera, a new district sales manager working out of Santa Fe, has dramatically increased sales in her district. Because of her success and irrepressible self-confidence, other sales managers and field sales representatives listen carefully to whatever she has to say about selling techniques and customer service. Some have adopted her methods. When vera talks, people listen.
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xhibit 9-1 Generic Organizational Chart Board of Directors
CEO
COO
Marketing
Finance
Manufacturing
s 3ALES s !DVERTISING s 3ERVICE s 2ESEARCH
s #ONTROLLER s 4REASURER s #ASH -ANAGEMENT s )NVESTOR 2ELATIONS
s -AINTENANCE s 0URCHASING s )NVENTORY s 3CHEDULING
Human Resources s 4RAINING s "ENEFITS s 0LANNING
Herman’s teammates are worried to the point of panic about what will happen to their project if their company is acquired by a larger corporation, as appears to be happening behind closed doors. “We could all be laid off,” one team member frets. “Yes,” says another, “and this project we’ve worked on so long will be terminated. All that work will go down the drain.” Herman doesn’t speculate about every bad thing that could happen. He reminds his teammates that the company hasn’t been sold, and, if it is, “We have a strong project going. Any new owner will want to reap the benefit of our work—and keep us on the payroll. So let’s just do our jobs and not worry about things we cannot control.” His confident, positive attitude helps calm people’s nerves and keep them focused on their work. David is the CEO of a medium-sized company, which is faced with a serious cash problem. The recession has cut company revenues, and expenses have to be trimmed to keep the bottom line in the black. Working through his managers, David has asked each department to find ways to reduce spending. But he has gone a step further by visibly cutting back on his own spending. Instead of flying to meetings, he has begun teleconferencing from his office. When he does travel, he flies coach instead of first class and stays at budget hotels. People notice David’s example and accept his cost-cutting mandate without complaint. They quickly find ways to reducing spending without damaging morale or productivity. © American Management Association. All rights reserved. http://www.amanet.org/
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In each of these examples, someone is exerting influence on the thinking or behavior of others. notice that this influence is a function of either that person’s demeanor, ideas, know-how, or performance, and not of organizational power. This is how influence works in organizations. It’s difficult to imagine how an organization can function in the absence of the moving force of influence, which is essential to:
• • •
gain acceptance of ideas. Shape organization culture. Affect change in behavior.
not all influence, of course, is positive, despite the examples given above. Your parents understood this when they said, “We don’t want you hanging around with Scruffy Jones. He’s a bad influence.” In the workplace, an influential person who has no sense of honesty can create a culture in which customers are looked upon as sheep to be fleeced, not as people to be respected and served.
Think About It . . . Think about your boss for a moment. Who appears to have clear influence with this boss?
What observable effect has that influence had on your boss’s behavior?
What influence do you have on your boss?
thRee BuIldIng Blocks oF InFluence Why are some people more influential that others? Why does Susan, the graphic designer in the next cubicle, seem to have no influence while Phil, the customer service representative working in the next office, seem to have plenty? When we go looking for the foundations of influence, we’re not in physics or matheAMACOM Self Study Program http://www.amaselfstudy.org/
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matics, but in a subjective area of social psychology where there are no exact, quantifiable answers. nevertheless, you can be confident that influence has at least the following building blocks: self-confidence, credibility, and reciprocity (Exhibit 9-2). If you can get more of these building blocks working for you, and combine them with assertive behavior and communication, you will be more influential and have a greater impact where you work. now, let’s turn to each of those building blocks.
self-confidence Self-confident people have faith in themselves and in their beliefs and value. When asked to make a presentation about a project they have been working on, self-confident people are unlikely to get flustered or think, "Oh, my gosh, people in the audience will think that my project is a silly waste of time and money." Instead, they will explain what they are doing and why it's important for the company. The confidence they transmit will make others say to themselves, "This is something I must take seriously." To build your self-confidence, reflect back on what you learned in earlier chapters about becoming more assertive. Think about your positive qualities and the unique contributions you make to your work team and to the company. remind yourself of the important work you do, past successes, and the many people who depend on what you do.
xhibit 9-2 The Building Blocks of Influence
Influence
SelfConfidence
Credibility
Reciprocity
Assertiveness
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credibility When we say that someone is credible, we mean that we can believe what they tell us. For example, if Herman has a reputation for credibility, we are likely to believe him when he says, “Ours is a strong project that the new owner of the company will want to continue.” Credibility is a function of both trustworthiness and expertise. Trustworthiness is developed by consistently speaking the truth and by doing the things that we say that we will do. If you tell your boss, “Yes, I can have that report on your desk by 11 AM tomorrow,” then you must deliver. If you promise but fail to deliver, you will lose trust. Trustworthiness is also gained by consistently respecting confidences and the interests of others. Expertise refers to the possession or demonstration of special knowledge or skills. For example, we might say, “Mary Jane’s academic background and her experience in corporate training has given her expertise in the area of employee development. She is a credible contributor to any discussion of that subject.” People with expertise are influential on matters that relate to their expertise. When people say, “When it comes to information systems, John really knows what he’s talking about,” they are acknowledging John’s influence of matters involving information systems. Credibility is something a person earns over time. It doesn’t just happen. If your goal is to increase your influence within the organization, start developing trustworthiness and expertise today. Use every opportunity to demonstrate that you can be trusted, and use every working day to develop expertise in an area that truly matters to your company. You want to be the “go to” person in a subject area that other people view as very important.
Reciprocity reciprocity is a social norm found in all human cultures. It refers to the expectation that a favor, benefit, kindness, or hostile act will be returned in kind by the other party. Thus, when someone invites you to a dinner party, you feel obliged to reciprocate—perhaps by bringing a gift or bottle of wine to the dinner, or by inviting your host to a dinner at your house sometime in the future. The notion of reciprocity may be an evolutionary survival skill that encourages people to collaborate (“I’ll help put out your barn fire today if you’ll help me with some emergency tomorrow”) and to behave well toward each other (“Do unto others as you would have them do unto you”). You can use the human impulse of reciprocity to increase your workplace influence. This can be accomplished by helping and doing favors for people whom you wish to influence. Every time you do this, you create a “credit” in your bank account of reciprocity that the other party will feel obliged to repay sometime in the future. The more credits you have in your account, the more influence you are likely to develop. Those credits will be more powerful if you help people with the things that matter to them most. For example, if one of your peers is in danger of missing a critical deadline—one that could make or break his or her chance for a promotion—volunteer to help out. Your colleague will then be likely to reciprocate in kind.
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Exercise 9-2 Who Influences Whom in Your Organization? Now that you understand how influence works within an organization, and what enhances or diminishes an individual’s influence, try to visualize patterns of influence where you work: within your immediate work group, and across departmental lines. Once you understand those patterns, you’ll be more aware of how influence is being applied. That may suggest opportunities for you to apply your own influence. In this exercise, you must graphically represent patterns of influence using an “influence map” like the one shown below. In this map, influence between individuals is represented by an arrow; the thicker the arrow, the greater the amount of influence. For example, Sam and Trish (below) influence each other, but Sam’s influence over Trish is much greater than the influence she exercises over him. The CEO has heavy influence over both Sam and Trish, while their influence over the CEO is much less.
Sam
CEO
Trish
Now, use the space below to map out the lines of influence within your immediate work group.
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Influence is a major opportunity for people who have learned to behave and communicate assertively. If they develop and apply influence, they can shape company processes, strategies, and policies. Through this influence, they exercise more control over their lives. Influential people also have more career opportunities. They are more likely to be selected for promotions, attractive assignments, management training, and so forth. Is this what you want for yourself ? If it is, put what you’ve learned in this chapter to work by strengthening the three building blocks of influence: self-confidence, credibility, and reciprocity. And don’t forget that assertive behavior and communication are the foundation for the entire structure. Assertiveness is the launching pad for increased personal influence at work.
Influence is to the ability to change the thinking or behavior of others without applying compulsion, threats, or formal orders. Influence can be positive or negative. The people who have influence can, to a greater or lesser degree, shape the culRECAP ture of their organizations, their work processes, strategies, and policies. The chapter identified three building blocks of influence: self-confidence, credibility, and reciprocity. These rest upon a foundation of assertiveness. Self-confidence is based on an internal sense of self-worth. Credibility is a function of two qualities—trustworthiness and expertise—both of which are gained over time. reciprocity is to the expectation that a favor, benefit, kindness, or hostile act will be returned in kind by the other party. You can build influence by building up the “credit” you earn by extending a helping hand to others. Someday, they may return those favors to you.
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Review Questions 1. As described in this chapter, one of the three building blocks of
1. (a)
2. A social norm that refers to the expectation that a favor, benefit,
2. (d)
3. A(n) ______________ graphically represents patterns
3. (a)
4. The building blocks of influence rest on a foundation of:
4. (d)
5. Credibility is:
5. (b)
influence is: (a) credibility. (b) assertiveness. (c) self-understanding. (d) team identity.
kindness, or hostile act will be returned in kind by the other party is: (a) expertise. (b) trustworthiness. (c) influence. (d) reciprocity.
of influence within a group. (a) influence map (b) PErT chart (c) reciprocity chart (d) organizational chart (a) trust. (b) self-confidence. (c) formal authority. (d) assertiveness.
(a) a genetic trait. (b) earned over time. (c) a transferable organizational commodity. (d) a consequence of one’s position in the organization.
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Appendix
Your Assertiveness CheCksheet Now that you’ve completed the course, take a few minutes to read the questions in the left-hand column of this checklist. Date the next column to your right and record your answers in that column. This won’t take you more than five minutes. The questions are designed to get you thinking about your current level of assertiveness. Once you’ve answered the questions, give some thought to what you must do to further develop your level of workplace assertiveness. Revisit the checklist every month for the next two months. Doing this will remind you of the things you’ve learned and reinforce whatever modifications you’ve made in your behavior and style of communication. The goal is to produce steady progress over time—to make a habit of being assertive. Good luck!
During the previous week:
Date:
Date:
Date:
What assertive behavior or communication did you consciously use? What important opportunity to be assertive did you pursue?
What important opportunity to be assertive did you pass up?
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During the previous week:
Date:
Date:
Date:
How well did you maintain your boundaries?
Good ____ Fair ____ Poor ____
Good ____ Fair ____ Poor ____
Good ____ Fair ____ Poor ____
How well did you respect the boundaries of others?
Good ____ Fair ____ Poor ____
Good ____ Fair ____ Poor ____
Good ____ Fair ____ Poor ____
Your assertiveness level is:
Rising ____ Steady ____ Backsliding ____
Rising ____ Steady ____ Backsliding ____
Rising ____ Steady ____ Backsliding ____
Yes ____ No ____
Yes ____ No ____
Yes ____ No ____
Your success in dealing with difficult people, on a 1-10 scale (1 = lowest), was: Your influence within your immediate work group or department, on a 1-10 scale (1 = lowest), has been: You made a conscious effort to develop your influence. (If “yes,” please describe.)
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Bibliography
Alberti, Robert and Michael emmons. Your Perfect Right: A Guide to Assertive Living. (7th ed.) (san luis Obispo, CA: impact Publishers, 1995). One of the seminal works in the field of assertiveness training, this book shows readers how to think, act, and speak assertively—and take a stand for their interests. By becoming more assertive, the authors argue, people develop more equal relationships in their lives. Arredondo, lani. How to Present Like a Pro: Getting People to See Things Your Way. (New York: McGraw-Hill, 1991). This book offers an excellent guide to making skillful and persuasive presentations. Bailey, edward P. Writing & Speaking at Work: A Practical Guide for Business Communication. (4th ed.) (upper saddle River, NJ: Prentice Hall, 2007). This book presents guidelines for speaking and writing in a direct, clear, and concise style—in other words, how to use plain english. Browne, M. Neil and stuart M. keeley. Asking the Right Questions: A Guide to Critical Thinking. (8th ed.) (upper saddle River, NJ: Pearson Prentice Hall, 2006). This popular college textbook teaches students how to evaluate the quality of oral and written arguments by asking questions, such as “how good is the evidence?” Chaney, lillian H. and Jeanette s. Martin. International Business Communication. (3rd ed.) (upper saddle River, NJ: Pearson Prentice Hall, 2004). The textbook presents an in-depth and practical approach to international business communication. it uses exercises, cases, activities, and country profiles to explore such topics as language, nonverbal communication, global etiquette, international negotiation strategies, cultural values, and business and social customs.
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Dealing With Conflict. (Carlsbad, CA: CRM films, l.P., 1992), videocassette. This award-winning video is hosted by management professor kenneth Thomas, Ph.D., a leading authority on conflict resolution. it features five conflict-handling positions, which are illustrated through dramatic vignettes. Thomas argues that the positions people choose affects the direction of the conflict and therefore, the level of satisfaction of the outcome. fisher, Roger, William ury, and Bruce Patton. Getting to Yes: Negotiating Agreement Without Giving In. (2nd ed.) (New York: Penguin Books, 1991). This classic book explores the nature of “principled negotiation,” as opposed to the hard or soft bargaining positions negotiators often take, and how to arrive at win-win (mutual gain) outcomes. fountain, eleanor M. and Diane Arthur. Getting Assertive. (2nd ed.) (New York: American Management Association, 1990). An earlier self-study course on assertiveness from the AMA. Hall, e.T. and M.R. Hall. Understanding Cultural Differences: Germans, French, and Americans. (Yarmouth, Me: intercultural Press, 1990): cited in Chaney, lillian H., and Jeanette s. Martin. International Business Communication. (3rd ed.) (upper saddle River, NJ: Pearson Prentice Hall, 2004), 114115. Jandt, f. e. Intercultural Communication. (Thousand Oaks, CA: sage, 2000): cited in Chaney, lillian H., ed.D. and Jeanette s. Martin, ed.D. International Business Communication. (3rd ed.) (upper saddle River, NJ: Pearson Prentice Hall, 2004), 111. kiely, laree. Introduction to Business Communication: Tools for Leadership. (los Angeles: Quisic [formerly university Access, 1997]), videocassettes. This award-winning video series and PBs telecourse features the lectures and commentary of management consultant laree kiely, Ph.D. The twelve videos include interviews with business and cultural leaders and documentary featurettes to explore such topics as the power of communication, persuasion, group process, teamwork, speeches and presentations, diversity, and negotiation. Morrison, Terri, Wayne A. Conaway, and George A. Borden, Ph.D. Kiss, Bow, or Shake Hands: How to Do Business in Sixty Countries. (Avon, MA: Adams Media Corporation, 1994). A helpful primer for conducting international business trips, this book presents the cultural backgrounds, cultural orientations, business practices, and protocols (including greeting rituals) of the world’s major countries.
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Namie, Gary, and Ruth Namie. The Bully at Work: What You Can Do to Stop the Hurt and Reclaim Your Dignity on the Job. (Naperville, il: sourcebooks, inc., 2003). This book, from the founders of the nonprofit Workplace Bullying & Trauma institute, addresses the growing phenomenon of bullying in the workplace and its destructive effect on unwitting targets (and the bottom line). The authors provide self-assessment tools and advice on how people can best respond to bullying behavior and protect their self-identify and self-esteem. Peck, M. scott. The Road Less Traveled: A New Psychology of Love, Traditional Values, and Spiritual Growth. (New York: Touchstone, 1978). This former best-seller explores how mental and spiritual growth helps people gain self-awareness and stronger personal relationships in their lives. samovar, l.A. and R.e. Porter. Communication Between Cultures. (4th ed.) (Belmont, CA: Wadsworth/Thompson learning, 2001): cited in Chaney, lillian H. and Jeanette s. Martin. International Business Communication. (3rd ed.) (upper saddle River, NJ: Pearson Prentice Hall, 2004), 111. smith, Manuel J., Ph.D. When I Say No, I Feel Guilty: How to Cope Using the Skills of Systematic Assertive Therapy. (New York: Bantam Books, 1975). This classic, best-seller presents the “Bill of Assertive Rights,” and such verbal assertiveness techniques as the broken record, fogging, negative assertion, and negative inquiry. it features dialogues and scenarios that provide concrete examples of the author’s concepts. Tannen, Deborah, Ph.D. Talking from 9 to 5, Women and Men in the Workplace: Language, Sex, and Power. (New York: Avon Books, 1994). in this book, linguist Deborah Tannen brings her research and observations about language and gender to the workplace. she provides scenarios and sample conversations that show how women can more effectively seize authority in their careers. Tingley, Judith, C. Say What You Mean/Get What You Want: A Businessperson’s Guide to Direct Communication. (New York: Amacom, 1996). This book applies useful assertive communication techniques to a variety of workplace situations, including how to handle an indirect hit, how to be taken seriously, and how to survive an aggressive attack. Tuleja, elizabeth A.. Intercultural Communication for Business. (Canada: southWestern, 2005). This is the sixth textbook in the Managerial Communication Series edited by Notre Dame professor James O’Rourke, iV. This volume uses graphics, self-assessments, case studies, and cartoons to present an accessible and lively discussion of such topics as ethnocentricity, culture and communication, and cultural dimensions.
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Velasquez, Manuel, Claire Andre, Thomas shanks, s.J., and Michael J. Meyer. “Approaching ethics.” Markkula Center for Applied ethics, santa Clara university. http://www.scu.edu/ethics/practicing/decision/approaching.html This Web site discusses ethical issues related to business, healthcare, government, technology, etc. and provides articles, resources, videos, and links to help users better understand the philosophical basis of ethics. __. “A framework for Thinking ethically.” Markkula Center for Applied ethics, santa Clara university. http://www.scu.edu/ethics/practicing/decision/framework.html __. “What is ethics.” Markkula Center for Applied ethics, santa Clara university. http://www.scu.edu/ethics/practicing/decision/whatisethics.html Waitley, Dennis. The New Dynamics of Winning. (New York: Harper Perennial, 1995). Dennis Waitley is a motivational speaker and author of many books. This one outlines his proram for engaging one’s inner resources and abilities to achieve personal goals. Walther, George R. Power Talking: 50 Ways to Say What You Mean and Get What you Want. (New York: Berkeley Books, 1991). This book by a leading corporate trainer provides compact lessons and sample dialogues to show readers how to get outcomes they want through the words they use.
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recommended resources
elgin, suzette Haden. The Gentle Art of Verbal Self Defense. (New York: Prentice-Hall, 1980). fensterheim, Herbert and Jean Baer. Don’t Say Yes When You Want to Say No. (New York: Dell Publishing Co., inc., 1975). Hall, edward T. The Silent Language. (New York: Anchor Books, 1981). ___. Beyond Culture. (New York: Anchor Books, 1981). ___. The Dance of Life: The Other Dimension of Time. (New York: Anchor Books, 1983). Harvard Business Essentials: Power, Influence, and Persuasion. (Harvard Business school Press: Boston, MA, 2005). Once a person develops assertiveness, he or she has a real opportunity to become more visible and have a great impact on the organization and its employees. But first, he or she must understand how to influence and persuade, and to use organizational power effectively. This primer on the subject provides practice advice and strategies. Hofstede, Geert. Cultures and Organizations: Software of the Mind: International Cooperation and Its Importance for Survival. (New York: McGraw-Hill, 1997). Hollands, Jean. Same Game, Different Rules: How to Get Ahead Without Being a Bully Broad, Ice Queen, or “Ms. Understood.” (New York: McGraw-Hill, 2002).
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Maslow, Abraham. “A Theory of Motivation,” Psychological Review 50 (1943): 370-96. if you want to understand human motivation, this seminal article is the place to start. Maslow’s hierarchy of human needs provide insights into what motivates people at different stages of their development. Walker, Robyn C., Ph.D. Strategic Business Communication: An Integrated, Ethical Approach. (united states: Thompson south-Western, 2006).
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Web sites
Center for international Business education and Research. International Business Resources on the WWW. Michigan state university. http://globaledge.msu.edu/ibrd.asp This Web site presents a directory of resources for international business. Geert HofstedeTM Cultural Dimensions. http://www.geert-hofstede.com/ This Web site features a country-by-country look at Hofstede’s cultural dimensions. International Business Etiquette and Manners. http://www.cyborlink.com/ besite/default/asp This Web site includes Hofstede’s cultural dimensions, along with country and regional information. Workplace Bullying and Trauma institute. http://bullyinginstitute.org This Web site provides detailed information on bullying in the workplace, including how to recognize the bully, how to know if you’re the target of a bully, and how to respond to bullying behavior and maintain self-esteem.
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Glossary
Active listening
listening that engages us in the another person’s conversation.
Aggression A mode of behavior and communication in which a person pursues his or her own needs and interests at the expense of others. The aggressive person prefers dominance rather than collaboration with others. Assertiveness A mode of personal behavior and communication characterized by a willingness to stand up for one’s needs, concerns, and interests in an open and direct way. Attending sounds in conversation, the response to another person’s thoughts or ideas, such as “uh-huh, “um-hum,” “i see,” etc. Boundaries The psychological and emotional barriers that protect a person’s needs, interests, and concerns—and sense of self. Broken record technique A technique for getting a point across by repeating it again and again in slightly altered words; that is, staying on message. Bully A person whose goal is to control another person, often through unrelenting criticism and punitive action. Clarifying questions other person is saying.
in a conversation, questions that explore the meaning of what the
Collaborative language clusiveness. Collectivism
The degree to which a person’s identity is shaped by groups.
Collectivist cultures ness. Common ground
language that uses words such as “we” and “us” to convey in-
Cultures which place a high value on groups and interconnectedThe values, interests, and goals that people share.
Cultural dimensions Contrasting views of cultures according to such characteristics as time, distribution of power, space, individualism, acceptance of uncertainty, etc. © American Management Association. All rights reserved. http://www.amanet.org/
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Direct communication The use of clear and concise language to express a thought or idea, in which the main point is up front. Discrimination The stereotyping and often exclusion of individuals according to their group. legally, this is defined by race, gender, national origin, religion, age, and disability. employee empowerment A management style that gives subordinates substantial discretion in how they accomplish their objectives. Managers explain what needs to be done, but leave it up to subordinates to find the best way to do it. Fairness An approach to ethics which demands the equal distribution of benefits and burdens among all parties, except when there are justifiable differences. Those differences include experience, education, talent, and unique skills. Fogging A technique in which a person agrees with the part of a critical comment that is true. it’s useful in stopping a put-down or other type of verbal attack. high power distance culture most of the power.
A hierarchical culture in which the people at the top have
high uncertainty avoidance culture A culture that has a low tolerance for ambiguity and uncertainty as expressed by a high level of rules and regulations. individualism The degree to which a person’s identity is shaped by his or her sense of self, apart from the group. individualistic cultures independence.
Cultures that place a high value on personal achievement and
influence The ability to change the thinking or behavior of others without applying compulsion, threats, or formal orders. “i” statement The expression of a thought, idea, or feeling that begins with the word “i.” it implies that the sender takes responsibility for the message. interests
The rights people claim for themselves and will take a stand to protect.
intermediate goals Depending on a person’s age, the goals he or she seeks to achieve in the next five to ten years. intimate space The space reserved for people’s most intimate relationships. in the united states, it’s 18 inches or less. interpersonal communication The use of verbal, vocal, and visual symbols to convey meaning between two or more people. intrapersonal communication or herself. Legacy goals
The conversation or dialogue a person has with himself
Achievement(s) for which a person wishes most to be remembered.
Listening to be aware A level of listening in which a person pays rapt attention to the sounds in his or her environment.
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Listening to engage in a conversation, the level of listening in which a person is actively focused on the other person’s thoughts, ideas, body language, and vocal expression. Listening to learn A level of listening in which a person receives information in order to understand and abstract it. Long-term goals Depending on a person’s age, the goals he or she seeks to achieve in the next ten to twenty years. Low power distance culture distributed between classes.
An egalitarian culture in which power is more or less evenly
Low uncertainty avoidance cultures in favor of risk-taking and change. Metacommunication needs
Cultures that tolerate ambiguity and uncertainty
The implied meaning of a message beyond the actual words.
What a person must have to survive—such as food, shelter, and an income.
negative inquiry When being criticized, a technique that uses probing questions to learn more about the behavior or performance that is of concern. negative self-talk
intrapersonal communication that tears at one’s self-esteem.
Paralanguage Nonverbal communication that involves the vocal aspect of a message— tone of voice, inflection, and speaking rate. Passivity An unassertive mode of behavior and communication characterized by submissiveness and a fear or unwillingness to stand up for one’s needs, concerns, and interests. Passive-aggressive Behavior in which people do not stand up for their needs, interests, and concerns initially, but do so later in an indirectly aggressive way. Perfectionism
The need to be right or perfect all the time and to demand that of others.
Personal space The space reserved for close relationships, also known as “arm’s-length” relationships. in the u.s., it’s 18 inches to four feet. Probing questions person. Positive self-talk Public distance over 12 feet. receiver
in a conversation, questions that explore what matters to the other intrapersonal communication that builds self-esteem. The space reserved for the most formal relationships. in the u.s., it’s
The person or people to whom someone delivers a message.
rights An approach to ethics that focuses on individual rights, such as the right to be treated as a fully rational human being and the right not to be used as a commodity for someone else’s end. screaming rant defense A technique for dealing with a difficult person. This defense allows the other party to vent his or hostility and anger, taking care not to let any of it stick to you. Once that negative energy has dissipated, engage the person in an effort to solve the problem. © American Management Association. All rights reserved. http://www.amanet.org/
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short-term goals self-esteem it.
The goals a person seeks to achieve within six months to a year.
The way you view your worth as a human being and the rights attached to
self-confidence Your “sense of ability”—the belief you have in your ability to reach a goal or to perform a task well. sexual harassment of a sexual nature. silence
unwanted touching and other unwanted, and often invasive, behavior
The time between verbal exchanges.
socialization The process of learning how to live and interact within one’s culture and family structure. social space The space reserved for less personal relationships to the space used in a job interview, for example. in the u.s., it’s 4 to 12 feet. stress health. target
Tension or anxiety that, if prolonged, takes a toll on a person’s physical and mental A person who is the object of a bully’s campaign to gain control.
team-based work Work performed in a coordinated manner by a group of employees who are often individuals with very different skills. transference
Childhood perceptions that a person carries over into his or her adult life.
uncertainty avoidance tainty.
The degree to which a culture tolerates ambiguity and uncer-
utilitarianism An ethical approach that focuses on outcome and the greatest good. The ethical behavior or decision is one that produces the greatest balance of benefit over harm. values The abstract ideals we adhere and hold on to, and for which we wish to be known. Typical values include integrity, trustworthiness, fairness, and loyalty. virtue An approach to ethics that focuses on character and the development of a person’s highest potential through the nurture of such values as honesty, compassion, courage, loyalty, etc. Wants What a person desires beyond needs—to own a home, to have a high paying job, for example. Win-win An outcome or solution that fully satisfies the needs, interests, and concerns of all parties. “You” statement The expression of a thought, idea, or feeling that begins with the word “you,” often putting the receiver on the defensive.
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Post-test
Asserting Yourself at Work Course Code 97004 iNsTRuCTiONs: Record your answers on one of the scannable forms enclosed. Please follow the directions on the form carefully. Be sure to keep a copy of the completed answer form for your records. No photocopies will be graded. When completed, mail your answer form to: educational services American Management Association P.o. Box 133 Florida, nY 10921
If you are viewing the course digitally, the scannable forms enclosed in the hard copy of AMA Self-Study titles are not available digitally. If you would like to take the course for credit, you will need to either purchase a hard copy of the course from www.amaselfstudy.org or you can purchase an online version of the course from www.flexstudy.com.
1. Which of the following is representative of a person with an assertive mode of communicating and acting? (a) Defends his or her personal boundaries against infringement (b) Aims to dominate others (c) submits to the desires of others (d) Avoids eye contact
Do you have questions? Comments? Need clarification? Call Educational Services at 1-800-225-3215 or e-mail at
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2. Research indicates that non-verbal elements of communication such as voice tone, facial expression, and posture account for ____________ percent of what a listener perceives. (a) 93 (b) 55 (c) 20 (d) 7
3. Voice tone, speaking rate, vocal inflection, volume, energy level, and fluency are all aspects of: (a) paralanguage. (b) aggressive communication. (c) a passive speaking style. (d) assertiveness.
4. for a high school freshman, becoming a medical doctor would be a: (a) short-term goal. (b) intermediate goal. (c) long-term goal. (d) legacy goal.
5. Active listening:
(a) aims to exert psychological control over the speaker. (b) involves detailed note-taking. (c) goes beyond passive absorption of information to active involvement in communication. (d) requires a superior/subordinate relationship between two parties.
6. Which of the following best describes the behavior or communication of a passive person? (a) Displays hostile facial expressions when challenged (b) Does not attempt to influence others (c) Will explain his or her viewpoint without coaxing (d) is more thoughtful and observant than other people
7. A person can achieve positive visibility in an organization by: (a) learning to disagree agreeably. (b) tagging along with the boss whenever possible. (c) playing up his or her accomplishments. (d) avoiding conflict.
8. The boundary of time that must be assertively defended refers to a person’s right to: (a) a healthy balance between workplace and personal needs. (b) the efficient use of time spent at work. (c) time management principles. (d) reduce working hours as he or she approaches retirement.
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9. The abstract ideals we adhere to, and for which we wish to be known are: (a) legacy goals. (b) needs. (c) values. (d) rights.
10. ________________, or the view that the glass is half full, gives us the courage and incentive we need to pursue what we want. (a) Deep-seated pessimism (b) strategic thinking (c) self-deception (d) Positive thinking
11. in a “high power distance culture,” subordinates are likely to tell their superiors: (a) exactly what’s on their minds. (b) what they think their superiors want to hear. (c) as much as they are asked to tell. (d) personal confidences that their superiors may not want to know.
12. Assertiveness:
(a) is a mode of behavior that people are born with, but which they cannot develop. (b) is only useful for people in supervisory or managerial positions. (c) must be suppressed when dealing with senior people in the organization. (d) can be developed through learning and practice.
13. To come across as an assertive communicator, you should: (a) avoid beginning your sentences with “i think . . . .” (b) give all the details, then state your key message. (c) always put it in writing. (d) apologize first for the problem.
14. in confronting unsafe or unhealthy workplace conditions,
assertive people: (a) whine to their bosses. (b) complain among themselves. (c) pose their concerns as problems that need to be solved. (d) look for the company’s point of view.
15. An assertive person will take credit for his or her accomplishments, but will also: (a) avoid actively taking responsibility for failures. (b) take responsibility for mistakes made by others. (c) remind people of his or her successes whenever possible. (d) acknowledge the contributions of others. © American Management Association. All rights reserved. http://www.amanet.org/
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16. in Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, ___________________ is a high-level need. (a) food (b) safety (c) shelter (d) self-esteem
17. ____________ have trouble accepting their own mistakes and the mistakes of others. (a) Pragmatists (b) Objectivists (c) Perfectionists (d) Career climbers
18. Which of the following countries has a collectivist culture? (a) united states (b) united kingdom (c) Canada (d) Japan
19. Constant criticism, diminishing or denying a person’s achievements, public humiliation, screaming, blaming, the silent treatment, and making threats (of job loss) are indicators of: (a) micromanagement. (b) excessive supervision. (c) bullying. (d) multitasking.
20. A situation in which aggressiveness may be appropriate behavior is: (a) giving feedback to a subordinate. (b) establishing a relationship with a new co-worker. (c) taking charge during an emergency. (d) enlisting collaboration within your team.
21. The greatest test of assertiveness is:
(a) aligning verbal and nonverbal messages. (b) dealing with hostile or difficult people. (c) moving from a passive to a passive-aggressive state. (d) scoring a job interview.
22. The building blocks of influence include: (a) cunning. (b) substantial formal power. (c) credibility and self-confidence. (d) a lofty goal.
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23. A person who comes to meetings prepared and who participates actively is likely to create _________________________ in the organization. (a) charisma (b) conflict (c) enemies (d) positive visibility
24. An assertive technique for diffusing another person’s criticism of you is: (a) negative inquiry. (b) ranting. (c) becoming aggressive. (d) denial.
25. The ability to change the thinking or behavior of others without applying force, threats, or formal orders refers to: (a) assertiveness. (b) influence. (c) behavior modification. (d) motivation.
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index
A bsolutes, avoiding, 47
achieving cultures, 3 active listening, 104, 110–113 adverbs, limiting, 46–47 agendas, 90 aggression appropriate situations for, 17 and assertiveness profile, 16 backsliding into, 115 and body contact, 65 and boundaries of time, 144 and bullying, 163 characteristics of, 4 and compliments, 93 and daily assertiveness plan, 94 definition of, 3 and eye contact, 66 and interpersonal space, 66 and meeting participation, 90 and others’ needs and interests, 114, 115 and resolving issues with others, 129 and rights/interests, 33 and speaking up, 89 and visibility, 88 and walk, 74 when addressing people from high power distance cultures, 123 Alberti, Robert on cognitive interventions vs. behavioral interventions, 31 on facial expressions, 64 on positive internal dialogue, 41
on right to self-expression, 34 on spontaneity of expression, 52 Alexander the Great, 136 anger, 4 anger management, 115 appearance, professional, 70–71 Arredondo, lani, on enthusiasm, 77 assertive boundaries, 139–152, 154 assertive language, 43 assertive listening, 107–113 to be aware, 108 to engage, 110–113 to learn, 109 moving toward, 107 three levels of, 108–113 assertive mode childhood experiences and, 21, 22 definition of, 2 influences on, 18, 22, 24–25 perfectionism and, 26 and positive language, 45 superiority of, 4–5 transference and, 24–25 assertiveness building your, see building your assertiveness characteristics of, 4 checksheet for, 181–182 creating daily plan for, 94–95 definition of, 1 importance of, 1–7, 9 inappropriate situations for, 17 as learned behavior, 7
and the new workplace, 5–7 opportunities for, 87–94, 96–100 as signaling mechanism, 7 assertiveness profile, 13–16 assertive nonverbal communication (ANC), 68, 70–80 aligning verbal communication with, 83–84 and controlling facial expressions, 75 and direct eye contact, 72–73 and disarming bullies, 164 and effective vocal delivery, 76–80 and giving a firm handshake, 71–72 and good posture, 73–74 journal for, 82 and maintaining a professional appearance, 70–71 and purposeful gestures, 74–75 and saying “no” to sexual harassment, 151–152 tips for, 80, 84 and use of space, 70 assertive statements, 46 assertive verbal communication, 43–52 aligning nonverbal communication with, 83–84 and avoiding absolutes, 47 and avoiding credibilitylimiting words, 46–47 and avoiding “sorries,” 48
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and avoiding words that limit your credibility, 46–47 and avoiding “you” statements, 49 and directness, 43 and effective channels, 51 and “i” statements, 48–51 and putting your main point up front, 44–45 and timing, 51–52 tips for, 45, 47 and understanding your listeners, 43–44 assertive written communication, 53–56 and clear/crisp messages, 54 and having a clear purpose, 53–54 using most effective/appropriate mode of, 55–56 AT&T, 170 attending sounds, 111 attitude, 28 authority figures, 22, 122 awareness, 108 Axtell, Roger, on touch/don’ttouch cultures, 65
Backsliding, 115 behavioral interventions, 31 being yourself, 84 Bell laboratories, 170 benchmarking your motivations, 11–13 body contact, 65 body language, 111, 123 body movement, 64 boundaries definition of, 139 of discrimination and sexual harassment, 145–146 of ethics, 141–142 of health and safety, 144–145 identifying, 139–147 and passivity, 2 of respect, 140–141, 164 of safety, 144–145 and saying “no,” 148–151 of time, 143–144 tips for defending, 149 when handling bullies, 164 breathing, 76 broken record technique, 159–160, 164 Browne, M. Neil, on values, 34
building blocks of influence, 174–176 building your assertiveness, 31–34, 36–37, 40–41, 43–57 and assertive verbal communication, 43–52 and assertive written communication, 53–56 and interests, 33–34 and needs, 32 and positive internal dialogue, 40–41 and speaking up, 40–41, 43–52 and using the most effective communication channel, 51 and values, 34 and wants, 32–33 your goals in, 36–37 bullies, 3, 162–166
Candidness, 92
champion, being your own, 91–92 Chaney, lillian H. on body movement, 64 on cultural dimensions of needs and interests, 121 on interpersonal space, 66 on metacommunication, 63 on paralanguage, 68 on touching in Middle eastern cultures, 65 childhood experiences, 21, 22, 24 clarifying questions, 112 clothing, 70 cognitive interventions, 31 collaborative language, 130–131 collectivism, 124, 125 command-and-control model of management, 4 common ground, finding, 133 communication, see also assertive nonverbal communication (ANC); assertive verbal communication; assertive written communication aligning verbal and nonverbal, 83–84 and assertive mode, 2 and being yourself, 84 communication channels, 51 compliments graceful handling of, 92–93 and “you” statements, 49 conflict, 91
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constructive criticism, 93–94, 141 core values, 34 credibility and influence, 176 words that limit your, 46–47 “crisp” messages, 54 criticism, 93–94 cultural dimensions and body language, 64 and communicating needs and interests, 119–127 and influences on assertiveness mode, 18 and time, 119–120 and understanding others’ needs and interests, 121–125, 127
Daily assertiveness plan, 94–95
dealing with difficult people, 157–167 and broken record technique, 159–160 and disarming bullies, 162–166 and fogging, 161–162 and negative inquiry, 162 and screaming rant defense, 158–159 techniques for, 158–162 defensiveness, 116 deliberative listening, 109 Deming, W. edwards, 170–171 difficult people, see dealing with difficult people disagreeing agreeably, 90–91 discrimination, boundaries of, 145–146 disrespect, 141 distractions, avoiding, 111 documentation, 165
Email, 54 emmons, Michael on cognitive interventions vs. behavioral interventions, 31 on facial expressions, 64 on positive internal dialogue, 41 on right to self-expression, 34 on spontaneity of expression, 52 employee empowerment, 4 energy, 77 engagement, 110–113
iNDex
enron, 141 enthusiasm, 77 enunciation, 79 environment for exploring others’ needs and interests, 114–115 as influence on assertiveness, 18 escalation of sexual harassment, 152 ethics, boundaries of, 141–142 ethnocentric thinking, 24 expanding options, 131–133, 135 expertise, 176 eye contact for active listening, 111 and nonverbal communication, 66, 72–73
Face-to-face communication,
55, 59–60, see also assertive verbal communication facial expressions, 75 far phase distance, 66–67 feedback and “i” statements, 48–49 timing of, 52 fisher, Roger, on win-win solutions, 133 fluency, 78 fogging, 161–162 frankness, 92
Genetics, 18 Gestures (Roger Axtell), 65 gestures, purposeful, 74–75 Getting to Yes (Roger fisher, William urn, and Bruce Paten), 133 goals and building your assertiveness, 36–37 of bullies, 163–164 “going along to get along,” 115 Hall, edward T.
on interpersonal space, 66–67 on time and trust-building in non-Western cultures, 120 handshakes, 65, 71–72 health, boundaries of, 144–145 hierarchy of needs, 32 high power distance culture, 122–123 high uncertainty avoidance cultures, 123, 124
Hofstede, Geert on cultural differences, 121 on individualistic cultures, 125 on power distance, 122 on uncertainty avoidance, 123 How to Present Like a Pro (lani Arredondo), 77
Individualism, 124–125
inflection, 79–80 influence, 169–178 building blocks of, 174–176 and credibility, 176 definition of, 170 of W. edwards Deming, 170–171 and passivity, 2 and reciprocity, 176 role of, 172–174 and self-confidence, 176 influence map, 177 information, asking for, 113 integrity-questioning phrases, 46–47 interests, see also others’ needs and interests and assertive mode, 2 in building your assertiveness, 33–34 definition of, 33 intermediate goals, 37 internal dialogue, positive, 40–41 interpersonal space, 66–67 intimate space, 66 intrapersonal communication, 40 issues, focusing on, 130 “i” statements, 48–51, 165 “i think,” 47
Japan
and W. edwards Deming’s influence on industry, 170– 171 time and trust in, 120 jewelry, 71 journal-keeping, 82
Keeley, stuart M., on values, 34 Language, assertive vs. unassertive, 43 learned behavior, 7 learning, listening and, 109 legacy goals, 37 limiting adverbs, 46–47
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listeners, understanding your, 43–44 listening, see assertive listening listening skills, self-assessment for, 104, 106–108 long-term goals, 37 low power distance culture, 122 low uncertainty avoidance cultures, 124
Makeup, 71 managers and employee empowerment, 4 and power distance, 122–123 Markkula Center for Applied ethics, on boundaries of respect, 140 Martin, Jeanette s. on body movement, 64 on cultural dimensions of needs and interests, 121 on interpersonal space, 66 on metacommunication, 63 on paralanguage, 68 on touching in Middle eastern cultures, 65 Maslow, Abraham, on hierarchy of needs, 32 meetings, 90 Mehrabian, Albert, on verbal/nonverbal communication, 59–60 metacommunication, 63 milestones, 21, 22 motivations, 11–13 multi-part “i” statements, 49–51 Nature and nurture, 18 near phase distance, 66 needs and assertive mode, 2 in building your assertiveness, 32 definition of, 32 of others, see others’ needs and interests negative inquiry, 162 negative self-talk, 40 new workplace, 5–7 non-touch cultures, 65 nonverbal communication, 59– 61, 63–68, 70–80, 82–85 aligning verbal communication with, 83–84 assertive, 68, 70–80
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AsseRTiNG YOuRself AT WORk
body contact as, 65 body movement as, 64 eye contact as, 66 interpersonal space as, 66–67 journal for, 82 metacommunication as, 63 paralanguage as, 68 power of, 59–60 silence as, 67–68 six dimensions of, 64–68 “no,” saying and disarming bullies, 164 other words for, 149–151 and power distance, 123 saying literally, 148–149 and sexual harassment, 151–152
O bjectifying the problem, 130
offensive, shifting to, 149 options, expanding, 131–133, 135 others’ needs and interests, 103–117, 119–137 and assertive mode, 2 and collaborative language, 130–131 and cultural barriers, 119–127 and expanding options, 131–133 exploring of, 114–117 and finding common ground, 133 and focusing on issues, 130 and gracious winning, 136–137 and listening skills, 104, 106–108 and passivity, 2 responding to, 127–137 and taking time to respond, 129–130 and win-win solutions, 133–135
Paralanguage, 68 paraphrasing, 111–112 passive-aggressive behavior, 4 passive-assertive-aggressive continuum, 4 passivity appropriate situations for, 17 and assertiveness profile, 16 and body contact, 65 and boundaries of time, 144 characteristics of, 2–4, 169 and compliments, 93
and daily assertiveness plan, 94 definition of, 2 and eye contact, 66 and interpersonal space, 66 and meeting participation, 90 and others’ needs and interests, 2, 114, 115 and posture, 64 and resolving issues with others, 129 and rights/interests, 33 and speaking up, 88–89 and visibility, 88 and walk, 74 when addressing people from high power distance cultures, 123 Paten, Bruce, on win-win solutions, 133 Peck, M. scott, on transference, 24–25 people, difficult, see dealing with difficult people perfectionism, 26 personal boundaries, physical boundaries vs., 139 personal space, 66 perspiration, 72 positive internal dialogue, 40–41 positive language, 45 positive visibility, 87–94, 96 posture, 73–74 power distance culture, 122–123 proactiveness, 117 probing questions, 115–116 professional appearance, 70–71 public distance, 67
Quality control, 170
questions, asking and active listening, 112 and defensive responses, 116 and exploring others’ needs and interests, 113, 115–116
Ranting, 158–159
rate of speech, see speaking rate reciprocity, 116, 176 rehearsing your message, 45 resonance, 76 respect and active listening, 114 boundaries of, 140–141, 164 responsibility, 96–100 rights, 3, 33–34 AMACOM Self Study Program http://www.amaselfstudy.org/
The Road Less Traveled (M. scott Peck), 24–25
Safety, boundaries of, 144–145 Say What You Mean—Get What You Want (Jud Tingley), 160 screaming rant defense, 158–159 self-awareness, 11–13, 17, 21, 22, 24–26, 28–29 assertiveness profile for, 13–16 and attitude, 28 and benchmarking your motivations, 11–13 and childhood experiences, 21, 22 and influences on assertiveness mode, 18, 22, 24–25 and perfectionism, 26 and self-esteem/selfconfidence, 28–29 and transference, 24–25 self-confidence, 28–29, 175 self-doubt, eliminating and disarming bullies, 164 and saying “no” to sexual harassment, 152 self-esteem, 2, 28–29 self-improvement, constructive criticism and, 93–94 sexual harassment boundaries of, 146 saying “no” to, 151–152 tips for handling, 152 sharing your views, 88–89 shewhart, Walter, 170 short-term goals, 37 shyness, eye contact and, 72 signaling mechanism, 7 silence, 67–68 sitting, 73–74 smith, Manuel on broken record technique, 159 on fogging, 161 on negative inquiry, 162 socialization, 21 social space, 66–67 “sorry,” avoiding, 48 space, 70 speaking rate for effective vocal delivery, 78 and paralanguage, 68 speaking up, 88–89 standing, 73
iNDex
statements, unassertive and assertive, 46 submissiveness, 2 successes, taking credit for your, 99
Tannen, Deborah, on meanings
of “sorry,” 48 team-based work, 5 time boundaries of, 143–144 and trust building, 119–120 timing of communication, 51–52 of feedback, 52 Tingley, Jud, on broken record technique, 160 tips for assertive nonverbal communication, 80, 84 for assertive verbal communication, 45, 47 for defending boundaries, 149 for developing positive visibility, 152 for discovering others’ real interests, 113 for handling sexual harassment, 152 for saying “no” to sexual harassment, 152 tone for effective vocal delivery, 77–78 touch cultures, 65 transference, 24–25 Truman, Harry, on responsibility, 96 trust building, time and, 119–120 Tuleja, elizabeth on collectivism, 124 on interpersonal space, 66
visual component of face-to-face communication, 60 vocal delivery for assertive communication, 76–80 for face-to-face communication, 60 and power distance, 123 tips for, 80 volume for effective vocal delivery, 76–77 and paralanguage, 68
Waitley, Denis, on winners’
self-talk, 40–41 walking, 74 Walther, George, on integrityquestioning phrases, 46–47 wants, 32–33 When I Say No, I Feel Guilty (Manuel smith), 159, 161 “winners’ self-talk,” 40–41 winning graciously, 136–137 win-win solutions, 133–135 women as targets of bullying, 163 workplace, new, 5–7 written communication, see assertive written communication
Your Perfect Right (Robert Alberti
and Michael emmons), 52 “you” statements, avoiding, 49
zero-sum game, 135
Unassertive language, 43 unassertive statements, 46 uncertainty avoidance cultures, 123–124 understanding your listeners, 43–44 urn, William, on win-win solutions, 133 Values, 34 venting, 158 verbal communication, see assertive verbal communication © American Management Association. All rights reserved. http://www.amanet.org/
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