As The Eagle Cries: Sharon's Journey home

as the eagle cries sharon’s journey home

CAROL, CHRIS, CHIEF PHIL CRAZY BULL AND RON

AS THE EAGLE CRIES sharon’s journey home Carol A. Freeman

ELDERBERRY PRESS, INC. Oakland

Copyright © 2008 Carol A. Freeman All rights reserved. Cover illustration by Brenda Trumpold Elderberry Press, Inc. 1393 Old Homestead Drive, Second floor Oakland, Oregon 97462—9506. E MAIL: editor@elderberrypress. com TEL/FAX: 541. 459. 6043 www. elderberrypress. com Available from your favorite bookstore, amazon. com, or from our 24 hour order line: 800.431.1579 Library of Congress Control Number: 2008922223 Publisher’s Catalog—in—Publication Data As The Eagle Cries: Sharon’s Journey Home/Carol A. Freeman ISBN 10: 1932762981 ISBN 13: 978-1-932762-98-3 1. Vision Quest. 2. New Age. 3. Spirituality. 4. Philosophy. 5. Native American Religion. 6. Bipolar Disorder. 7. Troubled Youth. I. Title This book was written, printed and bound in the United States of America.

Introduction

Reading your manuscript was very moving emotionally, awesome in its imagery and overwhelming spiritually. Your story is one of belief and non-belief, anger and love, compassion and fear. In it the duality of life is expressed in the life choices and decisions made by all who seek the lessons of the Creator. Well done.

Chief Phil Crazy Bull Lakota Nation Ancestral Chief and Medicine Man

To my husband Ron and son Christopher whose loving support and advice filled the void and lifted my spirits. To Chief Phil Crazy Bull of the Lakota Nation. His teachings of the Native American culture and ceremonies opened my mind and heart to a greater spiritual awareness of life and death. To our spiritual community of friends for the support and encouragement throughout this journey.

To Michelle, shaman practitioner Deborah, spiritual advisor, and Colleen, Reiki practitioner. Thanks to Bev, a special friend who helped me rediscover aspects of myself which provided me with inner strength and guidance. To Ianne and Elyse for their support and encouragement in getting this book published. Special thanks to my daughter Sharon who helped me see everlasting life beyond the physical realm.

CONTENTS

CHAPTER 1 Reflections of the Past ........................................11 CHAPTER 2 The Accident ......................................................35 CHAPTER 3 Searching for Meaning .......................................45 CHAPTER 4 Traditions and Ceremonies .................................57 CHAPTER 5 Vision Quest ......................................................65 CHAPTER 6 Trusting the Visions ...........................................79 CHAPTER 7 Beyond Our Reality.............................................91 CHAPTER 8 Courage and Spirit ...........................................103 CHAPTER 9 The Greatest Gift .............................................109 CHAPTER 10 Acceptance and Moving Forward ...................119 CHAPTER 11 The Phoenix Bird ...........................................135 CHAPTER 12 A New Beginning ...........................................147 EPILOGUE.............................................................................151 ABOUT THE AUTHOR........................................................152

As The Eagle Cries

Let My Spirit dance With the sun and moon In the Time of the Winter Sky Let My Spirit sing with the wind on high As the Eagle soars and cries Let me dance the dance of a soul set free On a night when the shadows watch And as I dance this spirit dance Take my hand and dance with me Smile with me and then I’ll go Into the nighttime sky Flying high with the stars and moon With the Eagle as my guide… The dance on earth is a dance that’s done My spirit now set free To dance a new dance In the skies above While the Eagle smiles at me… Guided Inspiration by Brenda Trumpold

CHAPTER 1 REFLECTIONS OF THE PAST I looked around at my surroundings and wondered, was I doing the right thing? I had come to New Mexico to try and find the answers that troubled me, but was this the right way to do it? I was in the Sandia Mountain range of Albuquerque in Bear Canyon, on sacred Native American ground. I was sitting on my sleeping bag surrounded by prayer ties I had made and praying for a vision. My daughter Sharon had been in a coma now for ten months. I had several questions and no answers. I began to reflect back on what had brought me here. Sharon Renee Freeman was born November 15, 1971 in Cambridge, Massachusetts after a long and difficult labor. I remember the doctor saying during the delivery that she did not want to come out. That was my first indication that perhaps her life this time would be difficult for her. Sharon was my first child. Her reddish hair stood out when I first saw her in the hospital nursery surrounded by the other babies with much darker hair. She had brown eyes like her father. Feeding Sharon was a challenge. The first time I fed her four ounces of formula she immediately vomited all over my dressing gown. I felt there must be something terribly wrong and called the nurse. I took the nurse’s suggestion and started to feed Sharon only one to two ounces, and she was able to keep that down. Sharon had difficulty adjusting to a normal sleeping pattern. She would fall asleep around 2 am and would sleep most of the day even though I tried to keep her awake by tickling her

12 ___________________________Carol A. Freeman toes. Nothing would arouse her from her daytime sleeping. This bizarre sleeping pattern persisted for two months. When I took her for her two month checkup the doctor said she was doing fine, but I looked exhausted and asked what was going on. I explained the situation, and he suggested that I feed Sharon, make sure she had a clean diaper, and put her in her crib. He warned me that she would cry but eventually would get back to a normal sleeping pattern. He was right. For three nights she cried and by the fourth night she went right to sleep. As she grew she was full of energy, always excited and eager to venture out and explore her world despite the consequences she encountered both good and bad. Seven months later my husband Ron and I decided to move to Arizona. Ron had allergies, and we were tired of the winters in Massachusetts and decided the Southwest would be where we would settle. We sold our used car because it wouldn’t make it that far. Ron convinced Bill, a friend of his, and Ron’s younger brother, Chick, to take the trip with us to help us move. We left Massachusetts September 15 with a total of one thousand dollars and our belongings in a rental truck being driven by Chick and Bill. Sharon was nine months old. The backseat of the car was her domain with a mattress that covered the entire backseat and her favorite toys surrounding her. The only problem we encountered was the day we spent traveling through Texas. The car had no airconditioning. It was hot, and the smell from the cattle fields we passed lingered in the heavy air. Sharon spent a good part of the day crying and fussing, and nothing we did helped the situation. By the time we pulled into the motel parking lot in Gallup, New Mexico, we were all exhausted and ready for bed. We got a good night’s rest, and the next morning on the way to breakfast, we started to notice the cultural differences. Colorful Indian totems graced the entrance to the pink stucco restaurant. Inside were blue and gold piñatas. The Southwestern décor was inviting and serene.

As The Eagle Cries___________________________ 13 After breakfast we got back in the car and continued our journey. We arrived in Flagstaff, Arizona, around midday. The sunshine felt warm and welcoming. We stopped for gas, and the station attendant overheard us commenting on how nice the weather was. He told us it was about 80 degrees and asked us where we were headed as he glanced at our license plate from Massachusetts. We told him we were going to Phoenix. He chuckled a little and said it was a lot hotter in Phoenix, probably around 110 degrees. Ron and I looked at each other in shock wondering if we had made the right decision. As we descended the mountain, the bottle of milk I was feeding Sharon dried on her mouth like chalk. That was our first indication we were entering a climate we were totally unfamiliar with. Ron and I had grown up in Connecticut, and this was a new experience for us. The cactus and giant saguaros along the side of the road were magnificent. We felt peaceful being in the desert. The man at the service station was correct. When we got to Phoenix, it was 109 degrees. We checked into a high-rise hotel in central Phoenix, which was fairly inexpensive and began searching the newspaper for an apartment. After three days we found an apartment with a view of the mountains, put down $300 for the first month’s rent and settled into our new life in the desert. We loved the warm weather. We felt we had made the right choice in moving West. We spent a lot of time in the air-conditioned apartment and drank soda pop when we went outside. We couldn’t get enough to drink. We both looked for work, and I was lucky enough to find a job the first week in a hospital doing medical transcription on second shift. Ron was not so lucky and spent many hours searching the employment section of the local newspaper. It was difficult living on my salary. Occasionally when there was not enough money to pay for rent and for food too, Ron would eat at the local mission. The day before Thanksgiving we debated

14 ___________________________Carol A. Freeman about whether we really had enough money to buy a turkey since the rent was due the same week. Ron eventually found a day-shift job, and this worked out well since we couldn’t afford the money for daycare. Sharon and I spent our mornings at the pool in the apartment complex. Her other love was watching Sesame Street. We spent two years in the apartment, our finances improved, and we decided to look for a house. Ron was a veteran having served in the navy for four years during the Vietnam War. House payments weren’t much more than we were paying for the apartment. With no down payment required for a veteran loan, we found a nice new housing development on the west side of Phoenix. We bought a house in a neighborhood filled with families with small children so Sharon had many friends. Sharon was now three years old. One of her friends was nicknamed Shorty, and he lived next door. Shorty really liked Sharon and would come by each day to see if she could play. He was content to do whatever Sharon wanted to do, and so she directed their activities. One day I glanced outside to see my newly planted flowers dug up and lying on the sidewalk. I saw Sharon with a small shovel in her hand. She put it down and came inside along with Shorty behind her. I asked her if she had dug up my flowers, and she didn’t answer me. Shorty quickly came to her rescue and said he did it. No matter what Sharon did wrong, Shorty was willing to take the blame so Sharon wouldn’t get into trouble. Sharon also had a friend named Roy who lived across the street. He would tease Sharon telling her she couldn’t do certain things in his yard or play with certain toys, and they would argue. One day I was pruning my flowers in the front of the house when Sharon came from across the street. She seemed upset and went in the front door. Within a few minutes she came back out with her pop-up toy that had a handle. When you rolled it on the ground, the colorful yellow and blue balls would pop out of a larger plastic ball and make noise. With a determined look in her eye she quickly put the

As The Eagle Cries___________________________ 15 toy over her shoulder and started to walk down the sidewalk and across the narrow street separating the houses. I asked her where she was going with the toy. She loudly proclaimed she was going to hit Roy with it. I glanced across the street to find Roy’s mom glaring at me. I got up quickly from the garden area and took the toy and Sharon into the house to find out what had happened. She kept saying, “Daddy said I could.” Ron came to her rescue and said he was tired of her not standing up to Roy and coming home crying and she should do something about it. Of course, he didn’t know she was about to take things into her own hands and hit Roy in the head with one of her toys. Snowball was Sharon’s first dog. Snowball was a white Samoyed. They were inseparable. Snowball was very protective of Sharon. One day I was scolding Sharon for something she had done, and when the tone of my voice changed, the dog came and stood between us and growled at me. The next day Sharon was playing with friends across the street from our home. I glanced out the window to see Snowball dashing across the street. I knew something was wrong since Snowball had been trained to stay in the front yard. I immediately went across the street to see what was happening. The next thing I knew the dog was flipping a gopher in the air. Desperately the gopher tried to get back to its hole and each time Snowball blocked the hole with her paw. Finally, the gopher laid lifeless on the cement. Sharon was holding her finger and crying. She had gotten bit by the gopher when she put her finger down the gopher hole. We took Sharon and the dead gopher to the emergency room. The doctor informed us had we not had the gopher Sharon would have had to have a series of rabies shots. Within weeks we got the results back on the gopher. Luckily, he did not have rabies. Sharon was five years of age when she wanted to know where

16 ___________________________Carol A. Freeman babies came from. Ron and I went to the local bookstore and found a picture book which was appropriate for her age. It was a story about an uncle and aunt who loved each other and then had a baby. One day my neighbor, Pam, called me to let me know Sharon was outside on our lawn giving lessons on where babies come from. I immediately went to the front window and saw a group of her playmates surrounding her in a circle as she flipped the pages in the book we had just bought. I called her inside for a nap and promptly put the book where I could keep an eye on it. Her inquisitive nature persisted surrounding babies, and she came into the kitchen where I was cooking one day and put her little hands on her hips and announced that I didn’t love her daddy. I said, “Of course, I do.” Ron heard her from the other room and wondered what this was all about, and he stood behind her. She was three feet tall, and he towered over her at six feet. She was very insistent that I didn’t love Daddy because if I did love him I would have a baby. I could see him laughing and shaking his head yes behind her. Three months later I waited anxiously in the doctor‘s office for the result of a pregnancy test. The results were positive. When I picked Sharon up at school that day, she was running across the large parking lot from the school to the car yelling, “Are we going to have a baby?” By the time she got to the car everyone in the parking lot knew I was pregnant. Sharon had heard Ron and me talking the night before about my doctor appointment, and she had been waiting anxiously all day to hear the news. Sharon was not one to keep things to herself. You always knew how she felt about something. She generally let her opinion be known. Sharon was now in school full-time, Ron and I were working full-time, and Snowball was home all alone. The dog began to dig and destroy things. We came home one day to find our newly planted tree nowhere in sight and several additional holes in the

As The Eagle Cries___________________________ 17 backyard. Friends of ours really loved Snowball and had the time to devote to her and so reluctantly we made the decision to give her to them with the thought we could always visit. Sharon was busy with her friends and school and didn’t seem to notice Snowball was gone. In November 1977, our son, Christopher was born. Sharon was now six years old and attending the local Catholic elementary school. She was very excited about having a new baby in the family. Chris, unlike Sharon, had normal sleeping and eating patterns. He would eat as much as you could feed him and want more. She loved to hold him and was overly attentive to him. One day while I was in the kitchen and Chris was in his baby swing, he started coughing and choking. I turned to find his face all red. He was noticeably in distress. Not knowing what had occurred, I picked him up and saw all the cookies in his mouth. I immediately cleared his throat and asked her what happened. She replied, “He was hungry so I gave him some cookies.” Chris was only one month old at the time. A year passed and the heat of the summer was getting unbearable with an average temperature of 101. I really wanted a backyard swimming pool. We had gone regularly to the pool at the neighborhood high school, but I didn’t like the crowds. I wanted to relax in my own backyard. We put a pool in the next year rationalizing that it would add value if we ever decided to sell the house. Once we had the pool, it was time to teach Sharon to swim. Each morning Sharon had swim lessons at the neighbor’s home around the corner. The neighbor had gotten a group together and hired a private instructor to teach six of our children. Sharon screamed each time I took her, so finally I just stopped taking her. I knew we had to do something because she didn’t know how to swim. Ron was a great swimmer and had broken several swimming records in high school, so he took on this task. He took Sharon

18 ___________________________Carol A. Freeman outside each evening to the backyard pool and told her she was going to learn how to swim. I stayed inside and would occasionally peek out the bedroom window to see how it was going. Over the course of the next several weeks, she was doing okay and actually seemed to enjoy it. Two years passed. The house was feeling more crowded each day. We began looking for a house on the east side of Phoenix, which we felt was a nicer area to raise a family. We decided on the city of Mesa and found a lot for sale in an area of nice homes. We hired an architect and built a much larger home. We moved in November of 1979 when Sharon was eight and Chris was two year old. Sharon attended the local elementary School, which was three blocks away from our home. When Sharon was nine years old, she decided she wanted to learn how to play the piano, and so we bought a piano and she began lessons. She was also taking gymnastic lessons and was on the swim team for the City of Mesa. By now she was an excellent swimmer and had won several awards, one being the 2nd-place trophy in the city championships. She loved to be outdoors, and as a family we would frequently hike into the Superstition Mountains or the South Mountain area of Phoenix. When Sharon was ten years old and Chris was four, we decided to get another dog. I missed not having a pet around, and so we went to the local Humane Society. We found a small terrier that was three years old and seemed attracted to Ron. The dog’s name was Scruffy, and it soon became apparent that she would be Chris’ dog. Chris was quite active as a youngster and would run around the house followed closely by Scruffy. They became playmates. Sharon loved cats and also wanted a pet of her own. Butterscotch was her first cat. It was beige colored and loved to sit and lounge on the couch. One day Butterscotch was let outside and never returned. Sharon soon got herself another cat named Puka. Puka

As The Eagle Cries___________________________ 19 was not as friendly as Butterscotch and would hide from everyone. Sharon generally found her hiding places and would carry Puka around the house. Three years passed and we were members of the local Catholic Church. Sharon, now aged thirteen, was a member of the youth organization at the church and on the softball team at the local junior high school. Chris spent his time teaching Scruffy how to play soccer. Chris was playing soccer in one of the city leagues, which had games every Saturday. We spent each Saturday morning at the local soccer field supporting our team. Chris also was enrolled in Taekwondo, a martial arts course. When it was time to enter high school, Sharon wanted to attend the private Catholic High School in Phoenix. Ron and I felt the private school would provide a better education for Sharon and we had both gone to Catholic schools, so we agreed. She took the entrance exam and was accepted. Financially, it was a struggle to pay the tuition each month, so I took on a second part-time job as a medical transcriptionist, working two nights a week and Saturdays in addition to a full-time job during the day. I felt the sacrifice was worth it if Sharon got a better education. Sharon found reading comprehension difficult, so Ron and I decided to have her tutored. She spent two nights a week being tutored for six months and her grades improved. Sharon was a good student and on the school’s volleyball team, had lots of friends, and seemed to enjoy school. In her junior year, her behavior started to change. She became more rebellious and determined to do things her way no matter what the consequences. The school notified us she was found drinking alcohol at lunch in a local fast-food restaurant with friends. She was grounded on several occasions for underage drinking and for signing our names to permission slips from school to leave early or to show up late so she could party with her friends before and after school. We took away her television in her room, her stereo, and telephone. All she

20 ___________________________Carol A. Freeman had left was furniture and clothes in her room. Nothing we did altered her behavior. She was involved in two car accidents, neither of which she claimed were her fault. At the end of her junior year in high school, my husband and I decided to take her out of that school and have her attend the local high school closer to home. We were hopeful that making new friends in a different location would improve her behavior. Sharon became very depressed after switching high schools, and we sought the help of a counselor. Sharon saw the counselor for about six months. On one occasion, Sharon came to Ron and me stating she wanted to enter a local wet tee-shirt contest and a bathing suit competition in one of the local college clubs. We adamantly told her no. In her senior year of high school, Sharon began to look forward to college. We visited the campus at Northern Arizona in Flagstaff. Sharon was excited at first about attending Northern Arizona State but then decided she would rather attend the local community college in Mesa closer to home. It was in early 1991 when my husband got laid off from work and was unable to find any work in Arizona. We had vacationed in Oregon the previous year and enjoyed the coast. We got the Oregon newspaper each week, and Ron found there were jobs available for which he was qualified. I also looked for jobs and applied for one and was offered a position at one of the major hospitals in Portland. Arizona had been our home for nineteen years and it was a difficult decision to make. Our children had grown up there and our plan was to retire there. Sharon was twenty years old and adamant about not moving with us. She was attending the local community college at the time with plans to go to Arizona State University. She had a boyfriend and did not want to leave Arizona. She made arrangements to move into an apartment with two other girls, and we helped her move the

As The Eagle Cries___________________________ 21 week before we left for Oregon. We had put our house up for sale, but it hadn’t sold by the time we moved, and so we had to leave it in the hands of the real estate broker and hoped for the best. It was a painful adjustment once we got to Oregon, moving into a small apartment from a house, starting all over again with mortgage and rent payments. Sharon called us every two weeks to update us on what was happening in her life, and she seemed happy. On one occasion she told us she wanted to get breast implants. This came as a shock to Ron and me, and we strongly objected to the idea. Sharon didn’t say any more about it and switched the conversation to another subject. At the end of our second year in Oregon, we finally, after a long search, found a house we could afford, but it needed a lot of work. We spent our weekends painting and remodeling the house. Chris was sixteen years old and spent most of his time playing soccer and was on the high school soccer team. It wasn’t until the third year we were in Oregon that Sharon came to visit for Christmas. She had a new boyfriend, Ted, and she seemed to be quite busy whenever we would call her and assured us everything in her life was fine. Prior to her visit we got a call from her boyfriend to tell us he was concerned about her. He said she was taking drugs and was trying to quit and was a dancer at one of the topless clubs in Phoenix. This news shocked Ron and me. We decided to speak to her about this. She got off the plane, and when I looked at her, she blurted out she had gotten the breast implants even though we did not approve. She was thin and didn’t look well. We confronted her with what we had learned about being a dancer and the drugs. At first she was reluctant to discuss it. After a few

22 ___________________________Carol A. Freeman days and an intervention by a close relative, she agreed to enter rehabilitation. She stayed for another six weeks and was admitted to a thirty-day inpatient drug and alcohol rehabilitation hospital in Washington State. It was during this time she was diagnosed for the first time with a bipolar disorder by a psychologist on staff at the hospital. She was given a prescription called Depakote to help her mood swings, which were mostly manic in nature. Ron, Chris, and I went twice a week to see her and attended meetings for the families of the patients. Each meeting helped us to understand drug and alcohol addiction and how it affects the entire family and what we could do to help Sharon. After getting out of rehabilitation, Sharon moved back to Arizona. For the next few years her life became even more tumultuous. She had another car accident in which she hit a utility pole in Phoenix and was charged with a DWI along with having to pay restitution for the utility pole. She suffered cuts and bruises and had several stitches in her head. She was in jail for four months because of a second DWI charge. After being released from jail she moved to Maryland with her boyfriend, Ted, whose family lived there. Both she and her boyfriend were hopeful that a fresh start in another state would be a positive step forward. It was the first month she was in Maryland that I got a call from the boyfriend’s mother stating that Sharon couldn’t stay there. She knew of Sharon’s diagnosis of a bipolar disorder before the move but was unable to tolerate her outspoken and sometimes bizarre behavior. We paid for Sharon’s airline ticket to Portland, Oregon, and we met her at the airport. Waiting for her plane, I expected the worst, but much to my surprise, when she came off the airplane, she was fine, looked good, and was glad to be in Portland and away from the boyfriend and his mother. The only regret Sharon had was leaving the dog she and Ted had named Caesar, a two-year old Rottweiller that she had gotten as a puppy. Chris was now in college and not living

As The Eagle Cries___________________________ 23 at home, so we had plenty of room for Sharon to live with us. Sharon didn’t have a driver’s license because of the previous DWIs. She found a job as a receptionist within walking distance of our house and developed new friendships. Each month she paid her restitution charges to the courts in Phoenix for hitting the utility pole, and she was still on probation for her DWIs. Ron would take her to work in the morning, and she would walk home at night. I drove her to counseling appointments with the psychiatrist who was treating her for the bipolar disorder, and each time her medication was renewed. She attended Alcoholics Anonymous meetings twice a week near our home. Sharon met a young man named Fred at one of the AA meetings who was very nice and liked Sharon. He was determined to stay sober, and he had two little girls he loved very much. Sharon got along well with the little girls, and their relationship seemed to be going well. One night Fred came to the door to meet Sharon, and I went into her room to get her. I noticed her eyes looked funny, and she was slurring her words. I asked her what she had taken and she replied “nothing.” I knew she had taken something and pressured her for an answer. By this time the boyfriend came into the room and spoke with her. He left shortly thereafter, and we never saw him again. I spoke to Sharon the next day about this episode, and she told me she had taken an extra one of her pills because she didn’t feel “normal” and sometimes alcohol or an extra pill would help. I told her she couldn’t do this, and she had to tell the doctor and he could adjust the medication. She wouldn’t listen but kept saying, “It isn’t working.” Sharon continued to work and attend meetings and counseling sessions, and it wasn’t very long before she had another boyfriend, John. They dated for about six months. She came home one day and announced she wanted to move with John whose work

24 ___________________________Carol A. Freeman was transferring him to Austin, Texas. Ron and I sat down with both of them and voiced our concerns about this move and her disorder. We discussed the fact that when Sharon had a structured environment she did well. We voiced our fears that this move would not be in her best interest. Her boyfriend assured us that he was well off financially and he had a good job. He told us Sharon could go back to school, which was something she wanted to do, and things would be fine. The boyfriend agreed that if there were any problems at all he would notify us and arrange for Sharon to fly back to Oregon. It all sounded so good at the time. He was so convincing that we reluctantly agreed to the move. They decided to drive to Austin from Portland with their belongings and within a few days of their departure we got our first of many call from him that Sharon was acting strange and drinking. He had found her in the bar of their hotel with some new friends she had met, and they got into an argument. For two days my husband and I were anxious and concerned about this move. We were finally relieved when they got to Austin and we felt things would settle down. Six months passed and things seemed to be going well for Sharon in Austin. She was going back to school, and it came as a surprise to me one night when I got a call from Sharon telling us her boyfriend had hit her. I asked to talk to the boyfriend, and he told me Sharon had thrown a plate of spaghetti at him. I told him that was still not a reason to hit her. The next day I got another call from a girlfriend of Sharon’s in Austin, and she was concerned about Sharon’s relationship with her boyfriend. She said Sharon’s boyfriend had a gun, and she was afraid that he might use it. Two days later, Sharon called again and said she had been locked out of the apartment by her boyfriend and was staying in the laundry room of the apartment complex. Ron and I became quite concerned about the situation and decided Ron needed to go to Austin and bring Sharon back with him along with her belongings. The next

As The Eagle Cries___________________________ 25 day he flew from Portland to Austin. When he got to the apartment complex, he knocked on the door, and the boyfriend answered. The boyfriend was both surprised and afraid when he opened the door to find Ron standing there. Ron was so angry, he starting pacing back and forth while he waited for Sharon to gather her belongings. He confronted the boyfriend who was now lying on the couch and asked him why he did not call and tell us about the situation and make arrangements for Sharon to fly back to Portland, which was what he had agreed to. He didn’t answer and kept looking away from Ron. Ron and Sharon left the apartment and headed for the airport. Late that evening, they arrived in Portland. Sharon was now twenty-five years old and decided to move in with us once again. Chris was nineteen and away at college, and she moved into his room. Sharon got a job as a receptionist in a local real estate office. She went to Alcoholics Anonymous meetings on a regular basis and saw her psychiatrist on a weekly basis. She was now taking Lithium for her bipolar disorder and a sedative to help her sleep. On occasion she would state she didn’t feel “normal” and would mix alcohol with her pills. I told her repeatedly to see her doctor and have the medication adjusted and her reply was, “It wasn’t doing any good.” On a daily basis it felt like we were riding on a roller coaster. One day Sharon would be pleasant and happy and her relationships with friends were good. Other days she would be crying and telling her father and me that we were trying to control her by asking her to be home at a certain time during the week. Both Ron and I were working and didn’t sleep well until we knew she was home and all right. One night, Sharon and I were sitting in the family room across from each other. She sat in the chair and was rocking back and forth and stating how she hated her life. She desperately wanted to be out on her own, but our concern was that she needed the

26 ___________________________Carol A. Freeman structure to be able to function okay on a daily basis. We were doing the best we could, but it didn’t seem to be enough. It was Christmas 1997 when Sharon and a girlfriend had dinner with us and then decided to go visit some friends. At 1 am we awoke to the shrieking sound of our house alarm going off. We jumped out of bed to find Sharon running around the house. She was frantic and screaming, “I have to get out of here.” She sat on the floor and started shaking back and forth. Ron and I knew something was terribly wrong. I tried to calm her down, but she wasn’t making any sense. She was talking and answering her own questions. She was hallucinating. We tried to convince her to get into the car so we could take her to the Crisis Center, but she refused and starting running around the house again. We panicked and called the police. Fifteen minutes later, they arrived at the front door. Sharon ran and jumped into her bed. The policeman went into her room and tried to convince her that she should go with us. Sharon’s hands were under the covers on her bed, and the policeman told her to put her hands outside the covers where he could see them. At first she would not do so, and I saw him reach for his gun. My heart started bounding, and I felt scared of what might happen next. Reluctantly, Sharon did as he said and put her hands outside the covers and started to calm down. Finally, she consented to go with us, and she got into our car. Sharon kept talking all the way to the Crisis Center which was ten miles from our house. She kept moving around in the backseat of the car. I kept hoping she wouldn’t try to open the door as we headed toward the freeway. I tried to talk to her to all the way and prayed we would get there safely. We arrived at the Crisis Center and explained to the receptionist that Sharon was bipolar and was having some sort of episode. We didn’t find out until the next day when we spoke to her girlfriend that Sharon had been drinking and the mixture of her medication with the alcohol brought on this episode. She was

As The Eagle Cries___________________________ 27 admitted to the hospital and spent seven days in the Psychiatric Ward. She was treated once again for a bipolar disorder, had her medicated adjusted, and was discharged home. Within a month, Sharon had a new boyfriend, Kevin. She had met him at an AA meeting. She convinced him they should move in together so she could get out of our house. They moved into an apartment about four miles from us. Two months later Sharon called one night in tears and stated she couldn’t live with him anymore. They weren’t getting along, and she needed to move out on her own. She was afraid to move her belongings out by herself fearful that Kevin would be there and so she asked Chris, her brother, to help her move. She moved into an apartment complex around the corner from us. Two weeks went by, and we got a phone call from Kevin stating Sharon didn’t have anything in her refrigerator in the new apartment but beer, and we should do something about it. After hearing this we again felt like we needed to intercede and went over to see Sharon. We knocked on the door, and she answered. In the living room was yet another fellow she had just met. We were so upset, we didn’t even catch his name, and Sharon asked him to wait on the balcony for her. We opened her refrigerator and found food and no alcohol nor beer. We felt emotionally exhausted from being caught up in this triangle. Daily, we felt like we were being dragged into Sharon’s emotional traumas and could do little to solve the problem. Three months later, Sharon moved in with a girlfriend who lived in the same complex, because she could no longer afford the rent by herself. Later that same year she moved back in with her old boyfriend, Kevin.

28 ___________________________Carol A. Freeman

By now Ron and I had tried everything we could think of to try and help Sharon, so on the advice of her counselor we decided to try a Tough Love approach with her. At the drug rehabilitation program Sharon had been in a few years before we learned it had helped others, and so we told Sharon unless she went back into treatment, we would not be speaking to her. I felt bad not being able to talk to her, and when she would call, which was seldom, I still answered her calls but told her she needed to go back into treatment. Four months later, I got a call from Kevin at work. He had thrown her out of the apartment, and she was living on the street somewhere in Portland. He had a phone number and asked if I wanted it. He was concerned about her welfare but said he couldn’t live with her. I phoned the number and at the other end of the phone was this slurred voice. It was Sharon. I asked her where she was, and she didn’t know. I didn’t know what to do. The thought came to me to ask her to pick up a piece of mail and give me the address. She gave me an address, and I phoned my husband immediately, and frantically, we drove to this address. I got out of the car and knocked on the door. No one answered. I could see through the window that the television was on. I tried the doorknob and the door opened. I signaled to my husband in the car to come to the door. We found Sharon on the couch drunk and half clothed. She did recognize who we were. There was no one in the house except Sharon at the time, and you couldn’t even see the carpet. There was clothing, paper, and food all over the place. I tried to find her clothes, went into the kitchen, and found the gas burners on the stove were lit. I immediately turned them off. I got her off the couch from where she had been lying, found her clothes downstairs in the laundry room, and we took her to the Portland Crisis Center once again. We informed the doctor she had been mixing alcohol

As The Eagle Cries___________________________ 29 with her medication. When they said they were going to release her, I broke down in tears and pleaded with the doctor to admit her to a hospital for detoxification and rehabilitation. The doctor reluctantly agreed because he felt she could harm herself or others, and she was admitted to the hospital. She was in the Psychiatric Ward for seven days. She was detoxed, treated once again for a bipolar disorder, and entered into a rehabilitation program. November 15, 1998, we spent the day in the Psychiatric Ward of the hospital. It was Sharon’s twenty-seventh birthday. Ron, Chris, and I brought a cake to help celebrate her birthday with her. Sharon was happy and pleasant that day and introduced us to the other people on the ward. The program was an inpatient program for seven days, and then she was transferred to another program for outpatient rehabilitation for a total of thirty days. When Sharon had been in the outpatient program for thirty days, a counselor met with us and advised us we needed to follow through with the Tough Love approach to the problem. We all met together, and Sharon was advised she could not go home but arrangements could be made for her to live in a group setting. The only thing available at the time was in a remodeled garage with a bed until space became available in the housing area. She cried and pleaded to come home, but on the advice of the counselor, we were told it would be more of the same behavior, and we did not want to continue enabling her. We reluctantly agreed not to have her come home. This broke our hearts, but we felt it was in her best interest since we had tried everything else. When Sharon left the rehabilitation center, she refused to go into the group home but instead made arrangements with a girl she had met at rehabilitation to share a room in her home. The first night after getting out of rehab, the girlfriend called us and told us Sharon couldn’t stay there. She thought Sharon had begun drinking again, and Sharon had called a friend in Arizona, a boyfriend, and was planning on

30 ___________________________Carol A. Freeman eventually moving back there. Sharon called in a few days to let us know she had met another boy and was moving to Gresham with him. Gresham was a forty-five-minute drive from our home. I didn’t know what to do at this point. I felt like I was being drawn into Sharon’s disease. I was not able to either sleep nor eat. I talked to a friend, Joy, a Navajo woman, I had worked with in Arizona. We had kept up our friendship after moving from Arizona. She mentioned to me that we had tried everything available to us from a medical point of view, and she believed it was time to look for “spiritual help.” Somehow this had not occurred to me, but immediately I was open to anything that might help the situation. Not knowing where to look since we were not practicing Catholics at the time, I looked in the yellow pages of the local phone book. The name “Ancient Wellspring” caught my attention under the Spiritual section of the yellow pages. I made the call the following day and a recording came on announcing the staff members. My call was returned the next day, and I was referred to a counselor by the name of Michelle. My appointment was for the following week, April 14, 1999. When I met Michelle, she immediately made me feel comfortable as I began my story about my daughter Sharon and her problem. I asked her if she could help Sharon. Her answer to me was she could try and help her if she came to see her but that she could help me. At the time I was only concerned about fixing Sharon’s problem. I did not realize I had become so absorbed in Sharon’s life situation that I also needed help. Michelle was a counselor and Shamanic practitioner. She began to tell me about Shamanism, and journeying, which is much like a deep meditative state. With the help of drumming, one enters a world of spirit and seeks information for guidance for oneself or another person if they have asked you to do so. At first reluctant, but then open to anything that might help Sharon, I agreed to learn how to do this technique. I had several sessions with Michelle each time journeying

As The Eagle Cries___________________________ 31 for about thirty to forty-five minutes and then talking about what information if any I received. At the end of each session we would say a prayer thanking the spirit for the help received. During one of these sessions she suggested we do a “detachment session” in which I seek the assistance of my animal guide. At Michelle’s suggestion, I had read a book on Shamanism and came to realize we all have guides in our lives. With the help of my guide, I would journey and find where I was attached energetically to Sharon and replace those connections with spiritual love. I journeyed and saw streaks of light where Sharon and I were connected energetically on three levels, first at the head where I could see a line of energy from me to her, one at the heart, and the other at the feet. With the help of my animal guide, who was an owl, I disconnected each energy line with an axe. The heart was the most difficult to disconnect. Each time I would disconnect an area, there would be a hole in which I would place a crystal and a rose signifying love. I had to go back a second and third time because it was so difficult to completely disconnect the heart level. I remember the hole was so big when it finally disconnected that the crystal that was put it its place was the size of a boulder. I realized after this exercise that I was so energetically connected to Sharon that I was physically and emotionally tied to her pain. Because of this connection, I had taken on her illness as well. I was experiencing it both physically and emotionally myself. I knew I had to detach from her or I would suffer a breakdown. After this exercise I felt much better although still very much concerned about Sharon. After this, when Sharon would call with a problem I no longer felt an ache in my stomach like I had before. I had detached to the point that I realized it was her problem, and I didn’t need to take it on and have it become mine. I told Sharon about Michelle and that I would gladly pay for any sessions for her if she would see her. She didn’t really want to and referred to Michelle when I would talk about her as the “soul lady.”

32 ___________________________Carol A. Freeman

Sharon was twenty-seven years old in May 1999 when she told Ron and I she was moving back to Arizona. Things hadn’t worked out for her in Oregon, and she wanted to start over again in Phoenix. She told us she was moving in with a girlfriend. She made arrangements to have her belongings shipped to her new address and said she would stop by our house to pick up some things still stored in our garage. Two weeks later after coming home from work, I entered the house and no one was home. I thought I heard Sharon’s voice and went throughout the house thinking she was there. There was no one around. Ron was still at work. I got myself something to eat and sat on the couch. Again I heard her voice, but it sounded like someone was choking her or physically attacking her. At this point I became alarmed not knowing why I was hearing this but knowing somehow I was being given a warning for her. I immediately went to the phone and dialed the number where she was staying in Oregon. A girl answered the phone, and I asked for Sharon and was told she was out on a date with some guy. She didn’t know how to contact her but as soon as she came in she would have her call me. I couldn’t sleep until she phoned and when she did she assured me she was okay. I explained what happened and that she needed to be careful when she moved to Phoenix. She kept saying she was fine and things would be okay and yes she would be careful. When I got off the phone, I felt she really didn’t heed the warning. The next week, Sharon came over and collected her belongings in our garage. I hugged her and wished her the best in Phoenix and told her that I hoped things worked out for her. My emotions that day went from relief that she was leaving, to guilt about feeling that way, to anxiety about her future. I also knew I was in desperate need of emotional rest.

As The Eagle Cries___________________________ 33 The second week in June, Sharon called. She said things had not worked out as well as she had hoped. From the conversation I knew she was still having difficulties. I asked her if she was able to get her medication in Phoenix, and she said she did. I advised her once again to go back into treatment. By the end of the second week in July, I had not heard from Sharon, and I was getting concerned. She had always called regularly, and she had not left me a phone number where I could reach her. All I could do was wait for her to call.

34 ___________________________Carol A. Freeman

As The Eagle Cries___________________________ 35

CHAPTER 2 THE ACCIDENT July 23, 1999 was like any other day at work. I was processing paperwork and organizing projects that needed to be done. The phone rang, and when I picked it up, the lady on the other end of the phone identified herself as Carolyn. She was the social worker from a hospital in Phoenix, Arizona. She asked to speak to Carol Freeman. I told her she had reached the right person and asked if I could help her. She said she was calling from the Critical Care Unit and that Sharon, my daughter, had been in an accident and she was in the Critical Care Unit. I asked what had happened, but she could only verify what little information she had other than the fact that Sharon was critically injured, on life support, and the doctors did not know at this point if she was going to live much longer. I felt a sharp stabbing pain in my chest, my heart was pounding, and I couldn’t catch my breath. I felt like someone had just stabbed me in the chest. I started to cry, and between the sobs, I told Carolyn I would be there as soon as I could get a flight out of Portland. My hands were shaking as I tried to put the phone back on the cradle. I immediately called Ron, told him briefly about the phone call and that I would meet him at home. When I arrived, I was greeted at the door by my son Chris who was home from college for the summer. I hugged him and cried uncontrollably. Ron, Chris, and I were on the first flight out of Portland at 7 am the next morning. The plane ride seemed to take forever, and I wondered if we would get there in time to see her alive. We arrived in Phoenix at one o’clock and headed straight to the hospital. The Critical Care Unit was on

36 ___________________________Carol A. Freeman the second floor. I failed to notice the sign that asked all visitors to use the buzzer and announce who they were. Having worked in a hospital before, I knew what button to push to get beyond the cold steel gray doors and into the Critical Care Unit. I quickly pushed the button and the doors opened exposing the hallway and glassed private rooms with patients in very serious condition. The patient rooms were equipped with monitoring devices and each patient was hooked up to machines that were keeping them alive. I passed the nursing station, and there was a wall of television screens monitoring each patient’s vital signs. I quickly looked at the board next to the nurses’ station with the patients’ names on it. Freeman, Sharon, Room 7 was written on the board. The room was at the end of the hallway, and as we entered the room, there were two nurses entering data into a computer. They both looked surprised when they saw us, not expecting we would just walk in without them being notified in advance of our arrival. I immediately went over to see Sharon. Her red hair was still long, as she had always worn it. Her eyes were closed, and she looked like she was sleeping, except she was in a coma and being kept alive by a ventilator and numerous tubes connected to her heart, lungs, and head to monitor every vital function of her being. Her body was as cold as ice, and I thought she was already dead. She was still wearing a neck brace, which had been put on by the paramedics at the time of the accident. I was in total shock and disbelief. This could not be happening. I felt like I was living in a nightmare and could not wake up. Ron, normally a very strong, controlled individual broke down in tears. Chris stared at his sister in disbelief. Our emotions ran between anger, denial, and shock. We were totally unprepared for what we saw. The nurse in the room who was the first to see us said someone should have prepared us before we came into the room, and she immediately paged the hospital chaplain. The chaplain was in the room within minutes. She was a slim, dark-haired young female in a very professional business suit. I knew having worked

As The Eagle Cries___________________________ 37 in a hospital when the chaplain is asked to speak with the family the chances of the patient surviving are not good. We went to a conference room down the hall with the chaplain and Carolyn, the social worker who had telephoned me the day before. The chaplain shared with us the information surrounding the accident which was very sketchy. The chaplain left the room after giving us her card and asking us to call anytime we wanted to talk. The social worker then told us that according to the hospital records, on July 21, 1999 in the early morning hours, the Scottsdale police were called for a domestic violence disturbance to Sharon’s apartment complex. Sharon and her boyfriend had gotten into an argument. When the police arrived on the scene, they checked their computer information to see if either one of them had any outstanding warrants. Sharon’s name came up on their computer screen. She had an outstanding warrant for failure to pay restitution charges for a DWI, which had occurred three years before when she had hit a utility pole in Phoenix. She had not paid the restitution for about six months. Sharon was then taken to the emergency room of the local hospital after complaining to the policeman of abdominal pain and stating her boyfriend had hit her with a bat. Further information revealed that the emergency room doctor released Sharon to the custody of the police since they could find no internal injuries. Sharon was transferred to the Phoenix jail. She remained in jail from 7:30 am until 11:30 pm. At 11:30 pm it was reported she had a seizure, fell backward, hitting her head on the cement floor, and paramedics were called. The paramedics transported her to the closest hospital. Because of the severity of her head injury and the fact she was not responding, she was airevacuated by helicopter to a specialty hospital for head trauma. The chief neurosurgeon on call that day was assigned Sharon’s case. We thanked the chaplain and social worker for their information and decided to meet with the neurosurgeon as soon as we could.

38 ___________________________Carol A. Freeman

We stayed with Sharon the rest of the day. The nurses explained to us all the monitoring equipment, her present state, and what we could expect, good and bad. We checked into a nearby hotel that evening totally exhausted emotionally and physically. I couldn’t sleep, and I called Michelle the Shamanic practitioner I had been seeing. I asked her if she would please journey to Sharon’s spirit and help her to return from her coma. She said she would and took the phone number of our hotel room. A few hours later Michelle called back and told us she had contacted Sharon’s spirit and her spirit did not want to come back. Sharon told her that life here was too difficult for her and not a life she would want to come back to. Michelle said she tried to encourage her to come back and perhaps through her own experience make a difference in someone else’s life. The reply she got was she would think about it. The next day we met with the neurosurgeon, who showed us the CAT scan, an X-ray of the brain. He asked us how long Sharon had the cyst that was on her brain. Ron and I looked at each other in astonishment. We had never been told by any doctor nor had we been told by Sharon that she had a cyst on her brain. The neurosurgeon went on to say that the cyst looked like it had been there quite some time, perhaps from birth, and was most likely the cause of all her bizarre behavior mimicking a bipolar personality disorder. Ron and I were in total disbelief that this was not detected much earlier by other physicians that had seen her, all diagnosing her with a bipolar disorder. None of her previous doctors had suggested a CAT scan or had given any indication that her bizarre behavior might be due to a physical problem. I remember her initial diagnosis was made by a psychiatrist and based on a written test Sharon had taken. Once the diagnosis of a bipolar disorder was made, each doctor she saw thereafter treated her for that diagnosis

As The Eagle Cries___________________________ 39 and never questioned there might be another cause. The neurosurgeon went into detail on her prognosis and course of treatment. Medically, she was not stable, still in critical condition from her head injury. In addition, she had pneumonia and a blood infection. The next ten days would determine whether she would live or die. If she did live, he gave her a 65 to 70 percent chance of being “normal” with a 30 percent disability. The words of the neurosurgeon echoed in my mine, “brain cyst.” My emotions ranged from disbelief of what was being told to me, to anger at the physicians treating her for a bipolar disorder, to guilt at my not insisting on a complete physical exam and CAT scan. Sharon had never exhibited symptoms of what I thought would be associated with a brain disorder. I was angry that the doctors based their diagnosis solely on a written test and interview. I became determined at that time that I would tell people who knew of someone diagnosed with a bipolar disorder that they encourage them to request a complete physical and CAT scan to first rule out a physical problem. We spent the next ten days next to her bedside, leaving only to eat, sleep, and spend time in the hospital chapel praying for a miracle. My emotions during the next ten days ranged from what I thought was apathy toward the hospital staff who worked each day in the Critical Care Unit to heartfelt gratitude to those who were treating Sharon with care and compassion. I relied on sleeping pills prescribed by the neurosurgeon to help me sleep and coffee to keep me awake. I was living a nightmare with no way to wake up. One morning a group of interns came in to see Sharon, shook their heads with a grim look, took some notes, and walked out never saying a word to me. To them it was just another hopeless

40 ___________________________Carol A. Freeman case, but to me it was my little girl and a part of me was dying. I decided with Ron’s encouragement not to acknowledge their pessimism. Miracles do happen, and I was determined to remain hopeful. I hung on to the smallest glimmer of hope: a smiling nurse, other people on the floor who seemed to be improving, stories from others whose relatives and friends were on the same unit who offered encouragement. We met on an almost daily basis with the internist, trauma doctor, pulmonary specialist, and neurosurgeon, all of whom were very nice though didn’t present us with a hopeful prognosis. On day three, we met once again with Carolyn, the social worker who advised us that we might want to seek the advice of an attorney regarding Sharon’s accident because she felt we weren’t getting complete information surrounding the accident. She gave us the name of an attorney, and the next day we made an appointment to see her. At first the attorney felt we were typical distraught parents trying to find someone to blame for this tragedy. She gave us the name of a private investigator, Don, who worked with the firm, and if he felt there was enough information, he would relay it to her, and she would see if the case was worth pursuing. We met with him the following day and learned a great deal about the problems within the Phoenix jail system. We enlisted his help. Next, we proceeded to fill out the paperwork and make an appointment to appear before a judge to obtain guardianship for Sharon since she was now an incapacitated adult. Seven days passed, and the doctors told us Sharon had to undergo surgery. They couldn’t leave the ventilating tube in any longer because it might damage her vocal cords. She was biting down so hard on the tube she had broken a tooth. Sharon’s condition showed no signs of improvement though she looked like she was sleeping except for the constant hum of the ventilator. They had

As The Eagle Cries___________________________ 41 tried several times to wean Sharon from the ventilator with some success, but she was still receiving oxygen continuously. I was anxious and afraid of Sharon having to undergo surgery while still in a coma, but the doctors convinced me it was something that needed to be done. I consented to the surgery and continued to pray for a miracle. That night I had a very vivid dream. I saw a woman with dark hair. She had a tube in her mouth, and her eyes were closed. A hand appeared in the dream and took out the tube, and the woman opened her eyes. Not knowing what this meant, I just dismissed it. The next day Sharon underwent the surgery. I spent most of the day in the hospital chapel praying that she would survive the surgery. Later in the day, I went back to Sharon’s room. She had just come out of surgery. She was alive but still in the coma. Ron and I spent the rest of that day sitting in Sharon’s room waiting. The next morning, I walked into Sharon’s room and felt a rush of joy and anticipation. Her eyes were open. Finally, something positive had happened, though it lasted a brief period of time. Her eyes were staring straight ahead, and she couldn’t blink or focus on anything. She was propped up in a chair but couldn’t lift her head. Her lifeless body seemed like a rag doll that could be put into a position and would remain that way until someone decided to move her. I thought of the dream I’d had a few days earlier and wondered if in some way someone was trying to prepare me for what was ahead. Sharon remained in Critical Care for another ten days and was then transferred to the sixth floor. She was still in a coma. The move I thought was hopeful, but again my emotions started to tumble when she started to experience severe seizures. Sharon would shake

42 ___________________________Carol A. Freeman violently, her face would turn red, her pulse and temperature would rise rapidly, and then she would start sweating profusely. The first time I saw this happening, I rushed to the nurses’ station in a panic. A nurse immediately followed me into the room and called the neurosurgeon. I felt so helpless and anxious knowing there was nothing I could do but knowing something was terribly wrong. The neurosurgeon told me it was a “phase” that patients in a coma can experience, and he felt it would pass. One of these episodes began again a few days later and lasted much longer. The nurse immediately called the neurosurgeon again, and three nurses rushed into the room and wheeled Sharon’s bed out of the room and onto the nearest elevator. I began to cry once again. In the panic of the situation they told Ron and me she was being taken for an emergency CAT scan. The CAT scan showed no signs of improvement and no new developments. After ten days, our son Chris had to return to Portland because of his job. After four weeks my husband had exhausted all of his leave benefits at work. He had made the decision to return to Portland and wanted me to return also. I adamantly refused to go feeling that I had to stay with Sharon. The nursing staff at the hospital assured us they would notify us immediately should anything happen but that her condition could go on like this for months, and Sharon’s condition was not medically stable enough yet to return to Portland. It was the toughest decision I had to make in my entire life, but reluctantly I decided to return with my husband and to my job in Portland. Before we left, one of the nurses in the Critical Care Unit recognized how distraught I was at having to leave and told me it would be helpful to record a tape for Sharon and they would play it each day for her. With tears in my eyes, I recorded the message to Sharon about how much we loved her and wanted her to come

As The Eagle Cries___________________________ 43 back to us. I told her what had happened. I wanted her to know about the cyst that was discovered and what was happening on a daily basis at the hospital. I told her who her doctors were and how well she was being taken care of. Ron also spoke on the tape. It was a very emotional experience for us both, and at the same time, we knew if she heard our voices each day she would know we were with her. Friends and family kept assuring me it was the right decision to return to Portland and going back to work would help me to try and get back to a normal schedule and maybe it would give me something to do besides think of Sharon. I felt nothing would ever be normal again. Ron, seeing I was very emotionally distraught at the thought of going back to Portland and leaving Sharon’s bedside, told me we would go back to Phoenix every ten days and stay for four days. Ron and I boarded the plane the next day, and I cried all the way back to Portland feeling guilty because I was leaving my little girl. I felt hopeless, helpless, and depressed. It didn’t help at all knowing we would be back in ten days. All I wanted to do was stay, but I tried to be hopeful that in ten days Sharon’s condition would improve. I returned to work the following day and found it impossible to focus on my work. All I could think about was Sharon. I called the nursing station several times each day to check on her progress and each time was told there was no improvement.

44 ___________________________Carol A. Freeman

As The Eagle Cries___________________________ 45

CHAPTER 3 SEARCHING FOR MEANING One month went by and Sharon still showed no signs of improvement. One day while walking our dog, Kaci, Elyse, a friend of mine, approached me with the idea of seeking the help of a friend of hers who was a spiritual advisor. Elyse knew how anxious and confused I was regarding Sharon. I took her advice and made an appointment to see her friend, Deborah. Ron and I were anxious not knowing what to expect when we rang the doorbell. Deborah answered the door. She had blonde hair, and I guessed was about forty years of age. She invited us into her home that was adorned with scenes of nature and religious symbols on the walls. She had an awareness of something far greater than herself. Her home was quiet and comfortable. She was a soft-spoken woman, and I felt very much at ease with her. She offered us some tea and then told us she would be going into a deep meditative state to seek the advice of a higher spiritual power. We could ask our questions, and she would relay to us what was being communicated to her. Our first question was why this happened and was there anything we could have done to prevent Sharon’s accident. She told us this was part of a Divine Plan. There wasn’t anything we could have done to prevent it, and it was part of our own spiritual growth. She went on to tell us that although we could not believe it now “this is a great spiritual gift that Sharon is giving you, but it will be the most difficult time in your life.” She went on to say, “This experience does have pain, suffering, and sorrow

46 ___________________________Carol A. Freeman which was something you needed to feel and get in touch with in order to move through it for a greater purpose and ultimately a gift to you.” She also said Sharon would like “flower essences” particularly “Rose of Sharon” and “Umak.” This ended our first session with Deborah. We met with Deborah weekly and each time she reassured us that this was not something we could have prevented, but part of a Divine Plan. On one occasion I felt extreme heat on the side of my neck and mentioned it to her, and she said Sharon was in the room with us. This was one of many experiences that were to happen assuring me of Sharon’s presence beside me. Michelle, the shamanic practitioner, contacted me. She told me she was going to a Lakota Sundance ceremony in Rosebud, South Dakota. A remembrance tree is part of the ceremony, and she wanted to enlist the help of others at the ceremony and place Sharon’s name on the tree for prayers. During the Sundance ceremony, she gave what is called a flesh offering for Sharon’s recovery. A flesh offering is a symbolic giving of oneself back to Creator with a prayer. She called us when she returned and told us about a Lakota Medicine Man, Chief Phil Crazy Bull, whom she knew and who had asked her at the ceremony why she was giving the flesh offering. She told him of Sharon’s situation, and he offered to see her. We immediately said yes and waited for her to get back to us with a date. Every ten days, Ron and I returned to Phoenix. Sharon was still unresponsive. She would stare straight ahead. It was obvious her body was still there but she was no longer the daughter we remembered with the outgoing personality who always remembered everyone’s birthday and was constantly active and busy. What lay in the hospital bed before us was the body of someone we loved

As The Eagle Cries___________________________ 47 deeply, and it felt like a part of ourselves was dying with her. We stayed for three days sitting by her bedside each day, still praying for a miracle. Our next trip was on September 3. Sharon seemed to respond to pain for the first time, and her eyes would turn toward someone new entering the room. Every little movement we looked upon as a positive sign. Each time we had to leave, I felt like I was being torn apart. The experience was beginning to take a toll on me physically. I was exhausted. On September 22, 1999, Chief Phil Crazy Bull, a full-blood member of the Sicangu / Lakota Nation of Rosebud, South Dakota, Ancestral Chief and Medicine Man, came to Phoenix to perform a Native American Healing Ceremony for Sharon. Ron and I, Chris and his fiancée, Heidi, along with Michelle and a friend of Phil’s entered Sharon’s room. At Phil’s request the room was completely dark, sage was burning, and prayer ties were placed around Sharon’s bed. The prayer ties were made of different colors of cloth (yellow, black, white, and red) each signifying the directions of the North (red), South (white), East (yellow), and West (black). Tobacco was placed in each one, and a prayer said over each one. Each cloth was then tied with red string. Tobacco is a traditional Native American offering that carries your prayers to spirit. Yellow honors the direction of the East, provides clarity and honors the golden eagle. Black honors the West, provides healing and honors the spotted eagle. White honors the direction of the South and provides protection and honors the brown eagle. Red honors the direction of the North and provides knowledge and awareness that we are connected to all things and honors the bald eagle. There were also four eagle feathers placed around Sharon’s bed. A bone eagle whistle was used by Phil. In his Lakota language, Phil began the ceremony. I remember looking at the eagle feathers during the ceremony, and they were moving. This was my first insight into the spiritual power of the Native American traditions. After the

48 ___________________________Carol A. Freeman ceremony, Phil felt Sharon would hopefully return in four days. I stayed vigilant over the next four days hoping for a miracle. On the fourth day when the ophthalmologist came in, he flashed a light into Sharon’s eyes, first the right and then the left. He looked up at me and said, “I think she is responding to the light.” She tried to lift her head off the pillow and open her mouth. I was excited, and my heart was beating fast. Finally, I thought something positive was happening. Then Sharon started to grimace. You could tell this was an extremely painful experience for her. My emotions were conflicted. A part of me was anxious to have her return to us, but another part of me didn’t want her to return if she was going to be in this much pain. I was torn between wanting her to return and shuddering to think of her returning to a life of pain and suffering. The four days came and went, and I saw no more responses from Sharon. Our next trip to Phoenix was during the first part of October. Ron and I appeared in Phoenix court to request formal guardianship for Sharon who was now twenty-seven years old. We explained to the judge Sharon’s situation and that we would like guardianship and the right to all Sharon’s records while at the jail in Phoenix. The judge was very sympathetic to our situation and signed the order. He hoped we would find what we needed to clarify the situation. We left the courtroom and immediately called the private investigator, Don, we had hired and told him that the judge had signed the order giving us access to all records. He found this quite unusual and not the usual protocol for the courts. He was thankful since he had not been able to find out much of anything since the jail kept their records sealed. Don phoned us the next day and said, after a lengthy discussion with the Sheriff ’s Department personnel and only because the judge had written the order, they had no choice but to relinquish all records. We met the investigator at the Sheriff ’s office the next day with the court order and were given

As The Eagle Cries___________________________ 49 all the records including an actual film of the accident. There were twenty-four-hour video cameras in the area of the accident. Ron and I watched in horror the tape of Sharon’s accident. There was no sound on the tape. Sharon was in the jail-holding area, a room about six feet by eight feet sitting on a bench. The attendant opened the door and Sharon walked out. We were told she was going to see a judge. Sharon started to fall forward and then backward hitting her head on the cement. Blood was flowing from the back of her head. Her body started to jerk violently. Attendants gathered around her, and you couldn’t tell on the film what was happening because so many people were crowded around her. Minutes went by before an attendant went for the phone and called the paramedics. I started to cry hysterically at what I was seeing. I was an emotional wreck. Don viewed the tape the next day and went over the records. He felt we had a strong case against the County Jail and told us the attorney was willing to take the case. On October 4, the internist told us Sharon had contracted VRE, Vancomycin Resistant Entercoccus, a bacterial infection for which there was no antibiotic presently available. Within twenty-four hours she was put into an isolation area in the Critical Care Unit. Every person allowed in the area had to be in a sterile gown, mask, and gloves. It reminded me of something out of a science-fiction movie. Sharon’s internist immediately contacted a pharmaceutical company and learned they had just released an antibiotic that could treat this infection. Sharon would be the first person to be given this medication in Arizona. After ten days, the medication worked, and the infection was under control. Sharon was then transferred back to the sixth floor. The neurosurgeon met with us on October 16. He told us Sharon was not responding as they had expected, and after doing

50 ___________________________Carol A. Freeman another CAT scan, increased intracranial pressure was found. The shunt that had been placed at the time of her initial surgery was infected. The neurosurgeon suggested redoing the shunt to expose it, and then they would be able to give antibiotics directly into the brain. The surgery was scheduled for October 19. Again, we waited and prayed that she would survive yet another surgery. Ron and I entered Sharon’s room after the surgery to find one side of her head completely bald with tubes going into the side of her head delivering the antibiotic directly to her brain. She had survived the surgery, but I thought, would this be what she really wanted? Three months had now gone by, and we had a meeting with the neurosurgeon. He looked grim as he entered the room, and I thought he must be tired from the surgery he had done that morning. We were seated in a conference room. On the table in front of him were all of Sharon’s X-rays and reports. He told us Sharon’s prognosis was not good. He showed us the most recent CAT scan. He pointed to the enlarged ventricles. He said it was obvious at this point that Sharon had gone without oxygen for a prolonged period of time. He had expected more positive results by this time, but it was not happening. He told us he was very sorry, and that this was truly a tragic story. He shared with us that if Sharon had fallen on a carpeted floor rather than cement it would have made a big difference in the outcome. He got up from the table very despondent, excused himself, and left the room to attend to another patient. I didn’t want to believe what I was hearing. All my hope and optimism quickly turned to depression. A part of me wanted to scream that this could not be happening, but the expression on the doctor’s face told me otherwise. The grim reality of the situation left me without hope as we left the room in silence. Over the course of the next several weeks, Sharon’s infections

As The Eagle Cries___________________________ 51 cleared, but she was still unresponsive and in a coma. The doctors felt she was stable enough to return to Portland. Carolyn, the social worker at the hospital, made the arrangements. On November 4, 1999, I took Ron to the airport in Portland, and he boarded a plane to Phoenix so he could accompany Sharon back on a private plane to Portland. There was a registered nurse and paramedic along with Sharon and Ron on the flight. When they arrived in Portland, an ambulance was waiting to take Sharon to the hospital where arrangements had been made with a new neurosurgeon who would oversee her care. Sharon spent three weeks in the Neurological Unit of the hospital. Each day I would go and spend time with Sharon, talking to the nursing staff and therapists about her care and hoping for some words of encouragement. Sharon was still unresponsive, except to pain when she would grimace and a loud noise would make her jump, which I was told was just a physical response and not an indication she was coming out of her coma. Her days consisted of staring blankly straight ahead in whatever direction her body was placed. I was determined to do everything I could to bring Sharon out of her coma, and so Ron and I learned the healing therapy of Reiki. We took Reiki classes hoping that this therapy might help her. Reiki is a form of energy healing. The word Reiki means Universal Life-Force Energy. Reiki is the channeling of energy to someone for the purpose of healing. A Reiki practitioner will place their hands on the person requesting the healing and be a channel for the energy to pass through to a person for their greatest good. Both Ron and I took the basic and advanced training in Reiki, and during one of the classes, the teacher had asked if we would do Reiki on some individuals who had asked for this particular method of healing. We all agreed, and a group of three of us were assigned

52 ___________________________Carol A. Freeman one individual. The lady we were assigned laid on a massage table, and we put our hands in the instructed positions and closed our eyes and silently asked for guidance in helping her to heal. My hands became very warm, and when I closed my eyes, I could see what appeared to be a bunch of cauliflower. Not knowing what this meant I continued to pray and ask that this person experience the healing she needed. After the session we told the person what we had seen or experienced, and when I mentioned the cauliflower the lady said she had breast cancer and her doctor had described the growth as looking like cauliflower. I realized at that moment how powerful prayer and the practice of Reiki really were. The lady, I found out months later, did well for a few months after that, but then eventually died from the breast cancer. I practiced Reiki therapy on Sharon each day hoping for some response from her. I began to notice that when I did the Reiki, Sharon would close her eyes and seemed to be quite calm and free of any pain. After work I would drive over to the hospital and spend a few hours with her sitting by her bed, talking to her, and looking for signs of improvement. Sharon had speech and occupational therapy sessions on a regular basis, but seemed to be making no progress. After three weeks in the hospital with no signs of improvement and after a conference with the neurosurgeon and therapists, it was decided Sharon should be transferred to the Rehabilitation Institute in Portland. The Rehabilitation Institute was designed so that patients would have more intensive therapies on a daily basis. Sharon was transferred and began physical and speech therapy three times daily. Sharon had Botox and phenol injections to help prevent the progression of the severe contractures she was having in her feet and hands. Her feet and hands were curled and tightly contracted due to the brain injury. Sharon would grimace with pain each time

As The Eagle Cries___________________________ 53 these injections were given, and she seemed to experience more pain from the injections than the pain from the contractures. On December 2, I became concerned that Sharon was not improving and getting worse with no responses at all, even to pain. Her eyes were closed most of the time, and she was very sleepy all of the time. I knew something was very wrong. I contacted her doctor, and he advised another CAT scan and blood work to check the Dilantin level she was taking. The doctor also called in an Ear, Nose, and Throat Specialist and her advice was that Sharon needed to have laser therapy. Scar tissue had built up around the tracheotomy site and her Dilantin level was too high and could be the cause of her lethargy. She was transferred back to the hospital where the laser surgery was done. At the time of the laser surgery, it was discovered her tracheotomy site was 75 percent closed. I asked the Ear, Nose and Throat physician to show me how to do the tracheotomy care, because I wanted to be involved in her care and to oversee that it was done correctly. On December 9, the neurosurgeon did a spinal tap to make sure Sharon was not having any infections and ordered another CAT scan of her brain. The results came back that there was no infection, but there was once again increased intracranial pressure on the right side of her brain. Another shunt surgery had to be scheduled. After another week in the hospital with no signs of improvement, the neurosurgeon told us Sharon was in a persistent vegetative state. He suggested the best course of treatment would be to transfer Sharon to a long-term rehabilitation center in Gresham, Oregon. Disappointed and depressed with all the therapies we had tried, we felt we had no alternative but to take the doctor’s suggestion with the hope that with time Sharon would come out of the coma. We made arrangements for Sharon to be transferred.

54 ___________________________Carol A. Freeman Ron, Chris, and I met the ambulance transporting Sharon at the rehabilitation center. We completed all the necessary paperwork and followed the attendant and Sharon to her room. It was a small room with two beds, and Sharon would be sharing the room with another patient who obviously also had a brain injury. She was older than Sharon and seemed upset at the idea of another person in her room. I felt helpless about the situation. We couldn’t take care of her at home. She required twenty-four-hour skilled nursing care, and here she would have the skilled care she needed as well as daily physical and occupational therapy. I left her room that day in tears and not sure we had made the right decision. I visited Sharon twice a week doing Reiki and massage therapy. The staff seemed pleasant and attentive to her needs, and over the course of the next several weeks, I realized we had made the right decision, and she was being well taken care of. Ron and I met with the speech pathologist at the rehabilitation center, and he suggested a coma stimulation program for Sharon. Unfortunately, the staff was not equipped to do this, nor did they have the time that would be required, so Ron, who was unemployed, took on the task of visiting Sharon each day and began, under the guidance of the speech therapist, to do coma stimulation. He used different types of material from satin to coarse cloth and rubbed it on Sharon’s skin. He also had different scents from flowers to vinegar, which he would pass under her nose. Bells and whistle were also a part of the program. Ron continued this on a daily basis for six months at which time the speech pathologist determined that it was not making a difference, and there was no response from Sharon. We still had not given up hope completely as we watched other individuals in the rehabilitation center who had had similar accidents show some progress.

As The Eagle Cries___________________________ 55 In the next few months, there were several trips to emergency rooms to treat Sharon for urinary tract infections to have her urinary catheter removed and visits to the neurosurgeon to make sure the shunt was still functioning properly and to have her feeding tube replaced. Each time Sharon was transported by ambulance. There were always two paramedics who took care of Sharon on each trip. Our emotions were on a roller coaster. At first it seemed like she was responding. One day Chris played a toy xylophone for her, and she seemed to lift her head. We would become hopeful when we saw any sign no matter how small, and then she would go days without any response.

56 ___________________________Carol A. Freeman

As The Eagle Cries___________________________ 57

CHAPTER 4 Tradition & Ceremonies During the next several months, Ron and I attended many Inipi (sweat lodge) Lakota Ceremonies conducted by Phil Crazy Bull. We became part of the local Lakota community of Tatanka Wi in Clackamas, Oregon. The people in the community gave their time and visited Sharon providing Reiki treatment, prayers, and emotional support when we needed it. They listened to us talk about Sharon and hugged us when we would break down in tears. The sweat lodge ceremony is for purification and to honor life events of the people. It is a ceremony given to the Lakota people by the White Buffalo Calf Woman. The ceremony is conducted in a structure made of willows that are tied together to form a dome. The dome is covered with blankets. Rocks are heated in a fire outside of the structure and seven rocks are brought in for each round of the ceremony and placed in a shallow pit in the middle of the lodge. Water is poured on the heated rocks while traditional Lakota prayer songs are sung. There are four rounds in the Inipi ceremony. Before each round, seven rocks from the fire are brought into the lodge and blessed with cedar. The first round is called Mitakuye Oyasin (all my relations) and honors all of our relations recognizing that we are all connected. In this round, the people pray for themselves. The second or Ohchi Maka (mother earth) round is to pray for the Earth and for others. The third, Tunkashila (grandfather and grandmother) round honors the stone nation and is the healing or medicine round. It is during this round that healing is done. The fourth or Wankan Tanka (Creator) round

58 ___________________________Carol A. Freeman is done to give thanks for the healings, blessings, and answered prayers. On January 9, 2000, Ron and I were honored to be part of a Lakota Yuwipi Ceremony conducted by Chief Phil Crazy Bull in Gresham, Oregon. The Yuwipi Ceremony is for healing. Before the ceremony, people petition the Medicine Man to be a part of the ceremony and are asking for a specific healing in their lives. Once he has agreed that it is appropriate for them to be part of the ceremony, they are seated in a row apart from others attending the ceremony. During the ceremony a special altar is constructed, and the Medicine Man allows himself to have his hands securely tied behind his back. He is then wrapped head to foot in a Native American star quilt so that he is entirely covered like a mummy. Ropes are tied around the blanket to hold it in place. He is then laid out full length on the altar. The lights are extinguished, and the medicine man prays out loud. The ancestors then come through the Medicine Man and address each person who has asked for healing and give that person specific guidance regarding their problem or situation. Ron had petitioned to be part of the ceremony, and when it came his turn to speak about our daughter Sharon and her situation, he was told Sharon had been given a choice as to whether she wanted to return to her body and was having a hard time deciding to do so, but if she decided not to return, the ancestors would help her pass over to the spirit world. Prior to the ceremony, Phil had told us we needed to surrender and accept Sharon as she was and to accept the situation and to let go and not to own a part of it and then healing could take place. On the night of February 2, 2000, I awoke and glanced at the clock on my bedside. It was 11:10 pm. I saw what appeared to be a white shadow figure moving down the hallway to our door. It stopped at our doorway, and I heard very clearly the music we had

As The Eagle Cries___________________________ 59 previously recorded for Sharon on one of the tapes for her. The figure moved slowly toward the bed and lay right next to me. I knew in that instant it was Sharon. I realized at that moment while her body was lifeless, her spirit was very much alive and trying to communicate with me. Twice a week over the next several months, I administered Reiki to Sharon, sometimes eliciting a physical reaction and sometimes not. Occasionally when doing the Reiki and positioning my hands over her head, I would get a deep sense of sorrow that was coming from Sharon. She was communicating to me her deep sorrow for what had happened. She continued to have physical and occupational therapy on a daily basis and medications were adjusted from time to time. On March 16, 2000 Sharon had another CAT scan. It still showed her ventricles enlarged and no improvement. On March 18, Ron and I attended Chief Phil Crazy Bull’s workshop on healing and participated in the sweat lodge ceremony following it. I had lived in Arizona for eighteen years and was accustomed to intense heat but this sweat was profoundly different from any heat I had ever felt. During the third round (healing), I felt an intense burning sensation in my knees and thought I was too close to the fire pit. Within seconds, I panicked and could no longer stand the pain of the burning in my knees. I asked the Chief to be excused. I crawled out of the sweat lodge and laid on the cool grass outside. The Chief then told the person watching the fire outside to pour some water on the back of my neck. As the water came over the back of my neck the intense heat within me was extinguished. I laid there for what seemed like a long time just thankful for the coolness of the air and the dampness of the grass. As I became more aware of my surroundings, I tried to figure out what had happened. After the ceremony I spoke to Phil and asked him what happened. He said Sharon’s spirit had come into the

60 ___________________________Carol A. Freeman lodge and wanted to touch me and when she touched my knees it created that overwhelming heat. I was thankful for her visit and began to realize the overwhelming power of spirit. Chief Phil Crazy Bull told us about a Lakota ceremony called Hanbleca (Vision Quest). It was held each year in Albuquerque, New Mexico, usually in the spring. As he explained the ceremony, I felt a strong sense it was something I needed to do to find the answers regarding Sharon and why she did not seem to be responding and what we should do next. I had lots of questions and no answers. Hanbleca is a traditional Native American ceremony where one participates in two rounds of the sweat lodge for purification and goes into the mountains for four days and four nights with no food and no water. You are asked ahead of time to prepare four reasons for your wishing to participate in this ceremony. Never having done any camping in my life, my head was trying to convince me this was a bad idea. Couldn’t you die without having food or water for four days? I decided to stick with my decision listening instead to my heart and intuition and not logic. When I told Ron of my decision, he was surprised. He, as well as Chris, had wanted to do the same thing. We all submitted our requests to the Chief and the answer came back to us that Chris and I would be the ones allowed to do the Vision Quest and Ron would go as a supporter. The supporters are people who carry the sleeping bag and bare essentials that the participant needs and sets up an area in the mountains for the person they support. They go to the sweat lodge each evening and pray for the people on the mountain. They will offer a portion of what they eat and drink during the day to spirit so that their specific person is nourished throughout their fast. There are also duties at the site of the sweat lodge that need to be done. Someone needs to always watch the fire in the fire pit at the lodge that is burning day and night while the people on the mountain are praying and fasting. Another person is assigned the duty of

As The Eagle Cries___________________________ 61 always being at the base of the mountain so that someone is there if someone needs to come down and needs attention. Hanbleca this year would be in May of 2000. In April 2000, the physical and occupational therapists informed us Sharon was no longer making any progress, and they felt it necessary to discontinue the therapy. The therapists also told us the insurance would no longer pay since there was no sign of improvement. Ron and I felt we needed to talk to Sharon’s doctor who should be the one making this decision. We made arrangements, and Sharon returned by ambulance to see her neurosurgeon and physiatrist. Both doctors suggested more Botox and phenol injections and more occupational and physical therapy. Sharon seemed to hate these injections. She would grimace in pain when they were given. We were trying every means possible to try and rehabilitate her and bring her out of this coma. As I looked at Sharon in her pain the thought came to me. Was all of this in her best interest? Were we causing her more pain by trying to bring her back? Each Sunday for the four weeks prior to Hanbleca, I sat at our kitchen table for three hours and made my prayer ties for the ceremony along with six prayer flags. Each person is asked to make 405 prayer ties, which will surround the six-by-six-foot area called a Hochaka, in which they will be for four days. Six prayer flags are also required, one each of black, red, white, yellow, blue, and green cloth. On each side of the Hochaka, 101 prayer ties are hung attached to a willow stick. On the North side is a string of red cloth prayer ties, in the East 101 yellow prayer ties, in the South 101 white prayer ties, and in the West 101 black plus 1 red prayer tie representing one’s self. I put tobacco in each colored cloth of red, white, yellow, and black and said a prayer into each of them and tied them with continuous red string. The prayer ties are supported

62 ___________________________Carol A. Freeman on all four sides by five-feet-high willow sticks. The prayer flags are placed in each corner of the Hochaka at the top of each willow stick. The blue and green prayer flags are placed on a willow stick that is at your altar site inside the Hochaka. In addition to the prayer ties and flags, it seemed an overwhelming task to get the things needed for this endeavor. Two days before leaving for Hanbleca, our youngest dog, Kaci, died suddenly. I was in the kitchen when Chris called me frantically from the living room. Something was wrong with the dog and he said to come quickly. I ran into the room to find her not breathing and lying on her back, and she had lost urine on the rug. Frantic, we immediately rushed her to the emergency clinic a few miles from the house. We sat anxiously in the waiting room, and after an hour, the doctor came out and told us she had suffered a seizure, and they could not save her. I was in shock. Just a few hours ago, she was a healthy, happy dog. We went into the room where she laid on a steel gray cold table. She lay lifeless on the table. I broke down in tears and couldn’t stop crying. With Ron and Chris beside me, we left the room in shock. I glanced back at Kaci on the cold gray steel table and still couldn’t believe my eyes. We made the arrangements to have Kaci cremated and told the doctor our wishes. Chris, Ron, and I left the clinic in total silence and spent most of the day just sitting in the living room in shock and disbelief. Why were those we loved being taken from us? Just six months before, Scruffy, our older dog, a member of the family for eighteen years had died of kidney failure. Both of Ron’s parents had died within a year of each other the year before. Kaci was three years old when she died. She was six weeks old when we got her from a private owner. She was a member of the family and a terrier with her own distinct dominant personality. She was always up for a game of fetch the ball and not afraid of

As The Eagle Cries___________________________ 63 any other dogs in the neighborhood. She was constantly teased by the squirrels outside our living room window and would bark ferociously at them while they in turn would just look at her and turn around and wave their tails at her as if knowing she couldn’t get at them. It was a shock to all of us, and we felt lost without her. We talked about canceling our plans to go to New Mexico for Hanbleca, but decided with all that had happened and the fact we were once again faced with issues involving life and death that it was important that we attend Hanbleca.

64 ___________________________Carol A. Freeman

As The Eagle Cries___________________________ 65

CHAPTER 5 VISION QUEST It was May 15, 2000. Ron, Chris and I boarded the plane to Albuquerque, New Mexico, for Hanbleca. We arrived late in the day, ate supper, and went directly to the hotel. The next day, all the people on the vision quest and their supporters gathered for a meeting. We prepared willow sticks for our altars, which would be placed within our Hochaka. On the altar we would place our sacred pipe (Chanupa) and any sacred or personal items we wished. I did not have a Chanupa and was given one to use by Jacob, one of the local Lakota people. Jacob had been on Hanbleca several times. I felt a sense of spiritual connection to him when I held the pipe. I didn’t sleep much that night. I was anxious and wondered much of the night how I would survive this experience or if I would survive at all. It was 5 am when the alarm clock in our hotel room went off. It was still dark outside and the moon shone through the cloudy sky. Today was the first day of Hanbleca. Ron, Chris, and I went to the local coffee shop to get something to eat before we met the other people. We had been instructed to be at the sweat lodge at 7 am that morning. I wasn’t very hungry at 5:30 am, but knowing it was the last thing I would eat for four days, I managed to eat all the eggs and toast I ordered. We all met at the lodge for the first two rounds of the Inipi ceremony. There were seventeen of us who had committed to the Hanbleca ceremony that year including Chris and me. As we drove into the Sandia Mountain range in

66 ___________________________Carol A. Freeman Albuquerque, I wondered if I was doing the right thing. This was completely foreign to me. I had not slept outside in my whole life, and now I had committed myself to four nights outside with the elements, animals, and insects and who knows what else. I was scared but somehow knew I had to listen to my heart and not my head. Once at the base of the mountain, the supporters carrying backpacks and willow sticks slowly made their way along the dirt trail and headed up the mountain. Then, Phil Crazy Bull led the group of men and women, each one carrying their Chanupa. All the women were first followed by the men. Sage and desert cactus lined the dirt path we traveled. We crossed a small creek, and after about ten minutes, the group stopped and was split into two groups. The men went up the mountain higher, and the women, escorted by Chief Phil Crazy Bull, went to the side of the mountain in a valley area. My Hochaka was a six-by-six-foot area surrounded on all four sides by my prayer ties that I had made with a prayer inside each one of them. There also were my prayer flags and an altar area on which I placed my Chanupa (sacred pipe). On the altar I also placed a rock that we had found in Sharon’s possessions and two small turtles, which were also hers. The Chief came to my Hochaka as he did with each individual and prayed with me asking the ancestors to answers my prayers. Before leaving he secured the (South) area where the white prayer ties were placed. This is the area which you can untie and go out from if you need to go to the bathroom. Other than going to the bathroom one is strongly advised to remain within your Hochaka where one is protected by your prayer ties, flags and spirit. Once the Chief had left, I arranged my sleeping bag and organized my backpack so I was prepared in case it rained. I also got out my journal so I could write down my experience. I was

As The Eagle Cries___________________________ 67 extremely tired from climbing the mountain. I laid on the sleeping bag and closed my eyes. I felt like I was driving down a curved road and then a straight road and then back to a mountainous curved road again. The information I received was that sometimes life is straight and smooth and at other times there are curves in the road. I also got information on Kaci, our dog who had just died. Thoughts came to me from where I did not know that “Love is not on a timetable. Sometimes a relationship can last a long time (as in the case of our older dog Scruffy who died at age eighteen) or a short time as with Kaci. In either case you need to remember the good times and let it go otherwise it tends to destroy you.” I felt I had received very good advice but again did not know where it came from. Later the same day, I heard the leaves on the ground rustle and there appeared a huge black beetle. I have always been afraid of insects, and my first instinct was to make it go away. I try to deter it from coming closer by putting my Native American drum, which I had brought with me, in front of it. The beetle then went around the drum and seemed determined to enter my Hochaka. I remembered what the Chief had said about offering your Chanupa (sacred pipe) four times to whatever animal comes into your area to gain the energy of that animal. I then offered it my pipe and at that time it went away. A few hours later it returned again, and I realized one of my reasons for asking to be put on the mountain was to overcome my fears. So, this was certainly a test for me. I was then determined the next time it appeared I would offer it my hand and let it crawl on me if it so desired. This took a lot of courage for me, and it did reappear out of the bushes. I extended my hand, but it then turned around and left. In my own mind I felt I had made some progress on my fear of insects, ever so small. I prayed throughout the day for answers regarding Sharon’s coma and what we should do. That night was very cool but was a welcome change from the

68 ___________________________Carol A. Freeman intense heat of the day. The full moon was breathtakingly beautiful. I slept some but every little noise woke me up, not being used to sleeping outdoors. The next day I watched the sun come up, and as it moved across the sky, I tried to determine by its position the time of day it was. The heat was suffocating as there was little shade. For a brief period of time I used the tarp I had brought and placed it over my head to shield me from the burning rays of the sun. I had some spray sunscreen. The spray felt cool on my skin, but this relief didn’t last long until the unrelenting heat returned. I continued to pray for strength and guidance still requesting answer to my prayers regarding Sharon. My tears burned on my face, and the glasses I had on were extremely hot. I used some moist toilettes I had brought and placed some on the back of my neck. This felt cool for a brief period of time. By mid-afternoon I was getting nauseated from the heat. I continued to feel very nauseated and was grateful when the sun had reached a point where I knew it wouldn’t be long until the sun would go down. Late in the afternoon I prayed as I felt I had never prayed before. I looked up at the clouds and told Sharon she needed to come and let me know what she wanted us to do. I let her know that whatever she decided we would support her decision. Although with all my heart I wanted her to return to us, I felt prepared for whatever she decided because I wanted what was best for her. I also prayed to Sharon that physically I felt I was not going to last another day and needed an answer. When the sun went down the dark clouds entered the canyon, and it was windy and stormy all night long, but no rain came to quench my thirst. My tarp blew down, and I sat on it all night to keep it from blowing away along with my sleeping bag which I had not zipped completely. I tried to concentrate on other things besides the storm and noticed how beautiful the moon was beside

As The Eagle Cries___________________________ 69 the dark clouded sky. I heard some leaves rustling and thought it was the wind. I turn to see a beautiful gold mountain lion just outside my Hochaka standing perfectly still just looking at me. I panicked, not knowing if I was hallucinating or indeed if it was a real mountain lion. I was too scared to look again but stayed perfectly still and hoped if it was real, it would go away. I remembered once again that I should offer it my Chanupa (sacred pipe). I had been holding the Chanupa with both hands in my sleeping bag, and at that moment, it came apart. Not knowing what to do with a mountain lion just outside my Hochaka, I held both pieces of the Chanupa in my sleeping bag, and not looking at the mountain lion, in a sideways motion, I offered it my pipe four times. After what seemed like an eternity but probably was more like an hour, I finally got up enough courage to look again and see if it was there. It had gone. After a sleepless night, tired, hungry, and thirsty and still in my sleeping bag, I looked up at the sky. It was just after sunrise. I saw streaks of clouds in the sky, and a strange formation started to take shape. It reminded me of when I was a child in church. I would get bored and just stare at the priest while he was giving his sermon and would on occasion see a white apparition appear behind him which would float across the altar and then disappear. As a child I felt everyone would probably see the same thing if they were staring at him. I looked at the clouds again, and all of a sudden a figure appeared in the clouds. It was Sharon. She had long hair as she always wore it and seemed to be trying to relay a message. The figure didn’t speak but thought patterns came to me. She was showing me her wrist, normally where you would wear a watch and on it instead of a watch were two-dollar bills. The thought came “In time money.” To the left of her I saw two different scenes each one with a man and woman in it. They seemed to be dancing and enjoying themselves. The next thought I got was “Life is short,

70 ___________________________Carol A. Freeman enjoy yourself.” Next, I saw what seemed like a heavenly area with slides coming down. There were two children, one on each slide, as if they were sliding down to earth. The word came “Reincarnation.” The third scene was a picture like Niagara Falls. There was a large biblical-like figure standing at the bottom of the fall. Sharon was coming down the middle of the falls. The thought I got was “Cleansing.” The scenes that were coming were much like still photos but one right after another. The final scene was a picture of a heavy figure of a person with a heavy coat, hat, and down-trodden appearance. From the center of this figure appeared a thin figure of a girl with her hair cropped up on top, which is how Sharon liked to wear her hair. This figure moved slowly out from the down-trodden heavy figure, and I knew it was Sharon’s spirit. The words came to me very clearly, “Freedom, free at last.” I started to cry. I had received my answer. As much as I didn’t like what I heard, I had promised I would support her decision. I knew at that moment she really didn’t want to return to her body. I laid on my sleeping bag looking up at the sky and sobbed. After a while I composed myself as best I could and realized I needed to face another fear, getting off the mountain. My prayers were answered, and I had experienced my vision. I dressed warmly as it was cold that morning, left my Hochaka with my Chanupa a pillow and my journal, and proceeded to try and find my way out of the mountainous area. Having no sense of direction and no path to follow, I stumbled around. I saw below me a stream with water. As I tried to make it down the hill to the stream, I fell and tumbled landing at the bottom next to the stream. My legs were cut and bleeding from the fall, and I realized I was lost. I

As The Eagle Cries___________________________ 71 began to drink some water from the stream, and it tasted cool and refreshing. I sat by a tree and prayed for someone to find me. I prayed to the Chief that he or any one of the supporters might hear me. After what seemed like a very long time, I surrendered to the fact I may not be found and may actually die there. I surrendered to this possibility and found a sense of peace in this acceptance. A thought entered my mind and instructed me to look across the stream. There had been other people in Hochakas over in that area, and they must have gotten there somehow, and I should cross the stream. I followed the directions I had been given and went across the steam. I found a path, followed it in the direction I thought I should be going and found my way out of the mountain. I felt relieved as I made my way down the path. I found a place to rest at the bottom of the trail. Within ten minutes, the Chief was there along with one of the supporters. My prayers once again had been answered. Chief Phil Crazy Bull got out of his truck and asked if I had spoken to Sharon. I said I did and began to cry. He then said he had to go see the people on the mountain and that one of the supporters who had shown up would drive me back to the sweat lodge area. Ellen, one of the supporters, offered me some water on the way back to the lodge. It took us about fifteen minutes to get there, and on the way, she said she wasn’t suppose to be at the mountain but felt someone needed her so she drove out. I then realized the power of prayer. When we got back to the sweat lodge, I was given more water. Ron was called to let him know I had come down from the mountain. I entered the sweat lodge and waited for the Chief to come back to do the last two rounds of the Inipi ceremony, which would complete my Hanbleca. I sat in the sweat lodge for what seemed a long period of time,

72 ___________________________Carol A. Freeman and during that time, I continued to see visions. In the vision pit in the center of the sweat lodge where the rocks are normally placed, I saw half of the pit filled with picture frames and pictures of Sharon in them. The words came to me “Remember Me.” To the left of the frames but still within a frame itself was a larger picture of Sharon in a wheelchair with a teacher behind her and students in front of her. The only thing I would relate it to was something to do with disabled children. One of the children appeared to be wearing sunglasses, and it led me to believe that it had something to do with disabled children that were blind. The next thing I saw was Sharon showing me money and the inside of a church with a long aisle, and it looked like a wedding ceremony with two people standing in front of a minister at an altar. The message from this was that Sharon wanted to give something to Heidi and Chris, her brother for their upcoming wedding. Next in the vision pit I saw a celebration that reminded me of a Christmas celebration with a priest and a huge orchestra, a buffalo, a giraffe, and the words came, “Celebration of Life” and the thought that when she passes she wants a celebration. After this came a vision involving giving gifts to animals. The last thing I saw in the vision pit was Sharon holding and spinning a Native American drum with a Native American standing beside her. This one I didn’t quite understand, but later when I asked Chief Phil Crazy Bull, he explained she wanted our family to go to Sundance, which is another Native American ceremony. Later on I also came to realize that this meant, one mind, one heart, one voice, one Chanupa, which is said at the end of each sweat lodge ceremony and means that we are all connected. When Phil came into the lodge and before starting the last two rounds of the sweat to complete the ceremony, he asked about my vision. I explained everything I had received both on the mountain

As The Eagle Cries___________________________ 73 and in the sweat lodge to him. It was completely dark in the sweat lodge, and both he and I were the only ones in there. I felt a presence of someone else to the right of where I was sitting. I looked to my right and could see an outline of a person with her hair cropped up on top the way Sharon usually wore her hair. I then asked Phil about what I was seeing, and he said it was Sharon. Once Phil started the last two rounds of the ceremony, I looked to my right and could see her hands wave. It was a wave you see people do at a football game where they raise their hands above their head and come down much like an ocean wave. Sharon was known for this wave within our family, and it was her way of joking around. At the time she would do this she would also say “I am not worthy.” Immediately, when I saw this wave within the lodge, I knew there was no doubt in my mind that it indeed was Sharon. I completed the last two rounds of the Inipi and went out of the lodge. I ate some fruit and drank more water. There was one more final part of the ceremony to complete and that was to smoke the sacred pipe and share it with others and that would end the ceremony. While smoking the pipe, I again saw Sharon lying on the grass outside the lodge, and there were several black cats around her, which had been around the lodge area that day. Sharon loved cats and as far back as I remember she always had a cat as a pet. After the ceremony was over, I told Phil these visions kept coming and no matter where I looked I saw a vision. This concerned me since I knew it would be difficult to resume a normal life with this sort of thing happening. He said it would stop but that Sharon had a lot to tell me and as soon as I started eating this would ground me, and the visions would soon disappear. After the ceremony, Ron and I decided to go back to the mountain because I had left my pillow and journal on a rock on my

74 ___________________________Carol A. Freeman way down the mountain. When we got back to the mountain, we started up the trail, and I looked up and could see Sharon’s face on one of the rocks high up the mountain. At that point I asked where Chris’ Hochaka was, and Ron pointed to the area where I had seen Sharon’s face on the rock. We spent about an hour looking for my pillow and journal and couldn’t even find the trail I came down on. We then decided to head back to the hotel so I could get some rest and take a shower. The cool water from the shower felt good on my skin, and the dirt on my feet and under my fingernails soon disappeared. My hair felt squeaky clean from the shampoo. Now all I needed was a good night’s sleep. I slept well that evening and awoke at around 6 am. Ron was on his way out the door to go back to the mountain in case anyone else coming down the mountain needed his assistance. He came back to the hotel around noon, we ate lunch, and we both went back to the mountain. I felt a deep sense of connection to the mountainous area and to the connection I had made with Sharon. Ron and I remained there the rest of the day. It was now day five and the remaining vision questers would be coming down the mountain. Ron was up at 5 am and headed once again to the mountain to help the people. I took my time getting dressed since I was still moving quite slowly and still not quite use to being back in this reality. At 7:30 am he was back at the hotel, and we both went to the sweat lodge area to greet the others who had returned from the mountain. When we got to the sweat lodge, the people were still in the last round of their final two rounds of the sweat. They came out of the sweat lodge looking exhausted from their ordeal except for Chris who looked fine. He was also the youngest member of the group. After the ceremony we talked with

As The Eagle Cries___________________________ 75 Chris about his experiences. He said he didn’t think he had a vision but remembered vividly talking to Sharon. He felt her presence to the right of where he was sitting, which was the area I had seen her face on the rock. At first he felt like perhaps he was schizophrenic and making all of this up in his mind, but then after the presence had gone, he remembered actually trying to initiate a conversation similar to what happened, and he couldn’t do it. It was then he realized he had indeed talked to his sister. He said they discussed several things one of which was that he could reach her by doing shamanic journeying on a consistent basis. I was able to reach her on one or two occasions but not as often as Chris could. Sharon told him it was because when she and he were younger she would often go to him for advice. She admitted she didn’t often take it and felt that what she was going to do was worth the consequences. During their conversation, there was music playing down below in the valley and Sharon said to Chris, “That music sucks.” This was very typical of Sharon. You always knew how she felt about any given situation, as she would frequently voice her opinion. Chris tried to convince her to come back out of her coma and said, “Mom and Dad would take care of you.” Her response was, “It’s not their responsibility.” He then told her that he would help, too, and the response came, “It’s not your responsibility.” After I had heard this portion of Chris’ experience, I remembered something a spiritual advisor in Arizona many years before had told me. I had gone to see this woman about a bladder problem I was having that would not heal, and it was being recommended I have surgery to correct the problem. After following her advice regarding diet and spiritual healing, the bladder problem disappeared. During our first visit, I asked about Chris and Sharon. She told me Sharon was here this lifetime to learn responsibility. Chris on the other hand did not have to come back this lifetime but did so for me. I realized that this was a profound message that had been given to me many years before and a truth, which now became quite apparent to me.

76 ___________________________Carol A. Freeman

Chris went on to tell us more of his conversation with Sharon. She asked that the curtain in her room, which divided the room between her and the little girl next to her, be moved so she could see her and the cartoons that were playing on the television in the room. She wanted her glass cat with the vanilla candle placed in her room to the right of her bed. She requested a new poster with pictures of the cat be put on the ceiling. The one that was there now was of a castle and she didn’t like that one. She told Chris also, “Tell Dad I love him, and he should not be so hard on himself. He did the best he could with what he knew. If anything it is my fault and not his.” She went on with several more requests. “Tell Mom not to lotion me up so much or towel me down before she leaves so my skin can breath.” Each week I would put lotion on Sharon and do a massage, and I did tend to get carried away with the lotion. Sharon went on to say she wanted to taste milk again. Chris then asked her, “How about cookies?” She quickly responded, “Don’t be a smart ass.” She also asked Chris that when he did his shamanic journeying he not bother her with questions but just play with her. She also wanted Chris to come back again and see her for a weekend and bring items from Hanbleca and put in her room, turtles, a drum, and a medicine bag. Two days later, we were on a plane headed back to Portland, Oregon. Ron and I met with Deborah, the spiritual advisor we had been seeing, a day later and told her of my experience. She already knew what I was about to tell her. She said Sharon had come to her asking her to tell me about Sharon’s desire not to return. Deborah had told her she couldn’t do that but that Sharon had to be the one to do it. On the third day of my Hanbleca experience, Sharon did indeed tell me this. On May 24, 2000, we met with the head nurse at the

As The Eagle Cries___________________________ 77 rehabilitation center. While we were gone, the nursing staff had tried to wean Sharon off her tracheotomy tube so it could eventually be removed. Everything seemed to be progressing nicely, and Sharon was tolerating the weaning process until the third day. At that time Sharon wouldn’t let them plug the tracheotomy site any more. I realized in talking to the nurse it was on that same day Sharon appeared in my vision and let me know she did not want to return. I explained my experience and vision to the nurse. I wasn’t sure of what her reaction would be since we had been so adamant before we left about continuing all forms of therapy despite the lack of response or progress. She listened and honored our request to initiate a “Do Not Resuscitate Order.” The following week, we met with Sharon’s doctor, who agreed to our decision and signed the order. We honored Sharon’s request she had made to Chris at Hanbleca. The TV in her room was moved so that she and her roommate, Sarah, could see the TV, although we had our doubts whether Sharon could even see since she did not focus and at one point after her accident the ophthalmologist had thought she was blinded by the accident. We placed her cat candle on the nightstand next to her, put up a new poster of kittens, and asked the head nurse at the rehabilitation center if there was any way she could possibly taste milk. The nurse said they could place some milk on her lips, but because of the tracheotomy, there would be no way for her to drink anything. We also brought back and placed in her room prayer ties from the Hanbleca site. We honored all her wishes and again placed our trust in our Hanbleca experience.

78 ___________________________Carol A. Freeman

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CHAPTER 6 TRUSTING THE VISIONS July 15, 2000 Chris and Heidi were married. It was a beautiful wedding outdoors in a garden setting. Sharon’s name was mentioned at the ceremony along with Daniel, Heidi’s brother who had died years earlier. I didn’t know about her name being mentioned as part of the ceremony until it occurred, and I had to fight back the tears and quickly grabbed Ron’s hand. I looked at him and tears covered his eyes. In August that year Chris and Heidi moved to Austin so Heidi could attend law school. We continued to visit Sharon weekly. I was still doing massage and Reiki therapy for her. I sensed now when I did Reiki she felt at peace. She generally would close her eyes and was calm. The months passed and still we saw no change or improvement. I would talk to Sharon when we visited and tell her the news, and in September I mentioned we were going to Austin to see Chris and Heidi for Christmas. I saw one tear in her left eye and comforted her by telling her she would be with us also, and we would connect on a spirit level. This response concerned me, and so I called a friend who had done Reiki with me for Sharon, and she and her boyfriend journeyed to Sharon and were told by her that she wanted Chris to contact her. I phoned Chris in Austin, and he said he would journey to her. He called back after his journey and said he had contacted Sharon, and he saw a huge sun in the sky when they were together, and he asked if it was the golden orb which was something the spiritual advisor had told us about and something Sharon needed

80 ___________________________Carol A. Freeman to walk into eventually to pass over to the spirit world. Sharon responded that indeed it was the golden orb, but that she was not yet ready to go and that she needed to teach him some things first. She held a blue light in her hands. Chris went to grab it, and she said he wasn’t ready for it yet. She went on to say he had to believe in himself and his ability to heal. Chris journeyed again a few days later. When he journeyed, he found himself in the desert, a place where he had always found Sharon before. He usually found her with lots of books surrounding her as if she was learning things. This time there was only one book left. She told him at this time that he also needed to learn from this book as well. During the next few months, several of our friends who did Shamanic journeying and a friend who teaches these classes asked if we would mind if her class journeyed to Sharon to see what information they might be able to share with us. We agreed hoping someone would come back with some hopeful news. One of the ladies that journeyed told us Sharon said how important it was to get the heaviness and sorrow out of our lives and put the magic back into our lives again. She also wanted us to have peacock feathers, which were a symbol of resurrection and a beautiful life. Sharon was finding it very hard to leave when we still had such deep sorrow. She said she would return to us in that magic part of our life. We thanked the lady for her information but felt there was no way we could put any magic back in our lives given Sharon’s present situation. On September 30, 2000, we arranged with Coleen, a friend, who is a shamanic practitioner, to perform a soul retrieval for Sharon hoping this might help her bring back soul parts that had been lost through trauma and perhaps this might help her out of this limbo state in which she was and help her to be able to pass over freely.

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The following Saturday afternoon, several friends, Chris, and I stood over Sharon’s bed. Before we began, Chris placed his hand on Sharon’s head and sensed Sharon had a message for me, and we should all journey first. We closed our eyes and placed our spirits outside Sharon’s window on the grassy area. When I journeyed, we were all in a circle and Sharon was in the middle of the circle with a white tiger. She danced around with the tiger, and they became one bright light. Sharon reappeared and went to each person in the circle and hugged and thanked him or her. She said she was happy. She then floated up to the sky and swirled around, and I saw in big letter the words “Happy Birthday” written across the sky. All of a sudden there appeared on the lawn with us a clown, balloons, and a parade was coming down the street. We finished our journey and I shared with everyone the message I received. Since Chris’ birthday was coming up on October 6, I thought the message was for him. He assured me that neither he nor Sharon liked clowns or parades and the message was for me since my birthday was just the day before on the 29th of September, and I did like parades and clowns. I felt that was really a sweet message from her since she was a person who never forgot a person’s birthday, and I realized just how powerful this form of communication really was. Colleen began the soul retrieval for Sharon. It took about thirty minutes. She laid next to Sharon in the bed and entered a trancelike state. She journeyed to her power animal who helped her retrieve the soul parts that Sharon’s had lost. After the soul retrieval, she explained to us that both Chris and I were holding on to Sharon and not wanting to let her go. We both agreed this was true and were willing now to let her go. There was also a previous boyfriend who was holding on to Sharon, and Colleen had a difficult time convincing this person on a spirit level to let her go. Finally, with the help of her spirit animal, a black panther, who kept circling

82 ___________________________Carol A. Freeman around him, he reluctantly let Sharon go. I continued to see Sharon weekly and journeyed as much as I could. It was the end of October when I journeyed, and this time I journeyed to my Hanbleca site. I saw Chris and Sharon, and both encouraged me to join them hiking up the hill. As we got to the top of the hill, they flew off the top of the hill much like a skydiver and encouraged me to do the same. The message that came to me was “Enjoy life. Go to the circus. Do things.” This message was particularly true since we had neither enjoyed life nor did things since her accident. Needless to say, we were also not about to consider doing anything while Sharon still remained in a coma. During this same journey, I saw Sharon’s spirit in her room at the rehabilitation center, and she showed me her body much like a doll. She sometimes would leave it in the chair and sometimes carry it around with her. The message came to me that it was just her body, somewhat like a doll. At that point she dragged her body out of the window and up toward the sky. Across the sky was written “Hello” and the word “Again.” It made me think of the movie by the same name where the actress dies but returns again to her family. In the next scene of the journey, I saw Sharon’s room empty and she was gone. The words came to me “I’ll be in your heart now and forever” from the sound track from Tarzan the movie. In the last part of this journey, I saw Chris in a dark suit, it was a somber occasion, and a casket-like table was being wheeled through our front door at home, and it came into Chris’ bedroom, which is where I journey. Sharon then popped up from the casketlike table, and it frightened me. The words came “It shouldn’t be sad and life isn’t what is really real.” After coming back from this journey, I realized Sharon was trying to tell me in so many ways she was still with us. She always would be with us and to not take life so seriously. What we think is real is not this life but one’s spirit that’s real. Dying is not real but a transition to that which is unseen.

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Several months passed, and we visited Sharon weekly, prayed, and did shamanic journeying. Occasionally, I would smell a very sweet smell either in the living room where we sat quite often or in Chris’ room where I would journey. It was a very sweet perfume much like what Sharon used to wear. I journeyed on this and was given the information that it was a “spiritual presence.” Most of the journeys repeated the same messages to me: “Laugh more and worry less. Life is short. Enjoy yourself.” I wasn’t always able to reach Sharon when I journeyed, but on those occasions I got more compelling evidence that she was still with us but in a different reality. On one particular journey, I saw her, and she asked me to follow her. She loved to hike, and I didn’t find it odd that she was hiking along a trail. We got to the top of the trail, and she flew off the top and urged me to do the same. Hesitant as I was, I did manage reluctantly to try this. The next scene, we were on a beach walking, and I asked her if she missed anything about not being here or in her body, and I immediately saw a hot dog stand, and she replied she missed food. In another journey, I was climbing the mountain near my Hanbleca site with Native Americans and looked down at the site where I had spent the three days of my vision quest. The area seemed so small. The realization came to me that we are so focused on our daily lives, we fail to see what is beyond our small world. There is so much more to us that we cannot comprehend. I looked up at the sky and universe before me and the thoughts came to me. If we only realized who we really are, where we came from and are going back to, then the trials and problems we encounter in this lifetime would not be as significant as we make them to be. One of my journeys provided me with some information regarding Sharon’s accident. I asked about the accident and was given a glimpse of what she must have gone through. I found

84 ___________________________Carol A. Freeman myself in the jail where Sharon was and walked out of the holding area room. I felt anxious, nervous, and like running. I blacked out and fell. I was immediately out of my body and heard the words, “Oh my God, what have I done.” I wanted to die. My tongue felt huge inside my mouth, and I felt like I was suffocating. I couldn’t breathe, and there was no oxygen. I then saw my husband and felt like I had to hang on. The next scene, I was told the name of the boy who hit her with a bat and about her relationship with another boy. The information came that the hospital she was taken to treated her okay and so did the police, but that the jail was the real problem. After I finished the journey, I realized there was still a lot we had to learn about the circumstances surrounding Sharon’s accident. It was a Saturday in January 2001 when I took a basic shamanism class. These classes periodically come to Portland, and this time I felt the need to learn more about the skill I had learned. The process of journeying takes time and is different for each individual. I am a very visual person and have always learned things by sight. One also needs to be very open to whatever comes to you by any of your senses when journeying. Some people may see things, others hear things, or you may get messages from any one of your senses. It also takes time to interpret the journey. Sometimes there will be symbolism involved much like in dream interpretation. Finally, one must take the knowledge and act on it for your good or the greater good of someone else if you have been asked to journey for them. It is very important that if you journey for someone that you have that person’s permission to do so. Shamanism is not a religion but a method of self-discovery with a realization that everything is interconnected and everything is your teacher. You journey with an intention or question of significance for yourself or someone else. There are three different worlds that one may journey to; the

As The Eagle Cries___________________________ 85 lower world where you will meet your animal guides who will assist you, the middle world which is where we exist now, or the upper world where you will meet your spiritual teacher who will assist you. Journeying requires the ability to trust what one receives and to be open to believing. The information received may not make any sense to you, but it may to the person you have journeyed for, or it may make sense later on. There have been many times I have written down my journey not knowing what it meant at the time but months later I would understand the message, or it may be relevant to what is happening at the present time. In either case, trusting is an important element of the process. At the end of the journey, it is polite to thank those guides who have helped you. During the course of the day’s workshop, we journeyed for ourselves and others. Paul was the person sitting next to me, and he journeyed to Sharon for me. He had not been given any information other than that she was in a coma. At the end of his journey, he told me he saw her looking at her body, and she did not want to come back to it. He tried to bargain with her and said, “What if we bring new clothes, makeup, and make the body look better. Would you consider coming back then?” Her reply was her spiritual body was better. This came as no surprise to me, since I had already learned she did not wish to return to her body. The workshop provided me with a deeper desire to journey on a more regular basis, since I usually found the answers to my questions and it was my one link to Sharon, who was still in a coma. The next journey I took I went to the upper world to try and contact my father who had died twenty-five years earlier. I had never tried to contact him before but felt I needed some more answers about the accident. I found myself in his studio where he used to teach drumming to students on Saturday mornings. I could sense a spiritual presence but couldn’t see any definite figure

86 ___________________________Carol A. Freeman in the room. When I asked the question about Sharon’s accident I sensed anger. The thoughts came, “People were careless with completely indifferent attitudes. No compassion and the jail needs reform.” “Justice needs to be served.” “Compassion needs to be instilled.” I asked if he would watch over Sharon. The thoughts came back “I have and I will.” “She walks with you often.” “She is concerned about you. Be strong. Bye.” I came back from that journey with the knowledge and determination to follow through with our attorney in Phoenix, to find out exactly what happened in the jail, and to find some justice in this tragedy. I contacted our attorney and was told it would take some time. They were working on a list of persons for depositions and most likely we would need to come back to Phoenix for our deposition, but they would be back in touch with us. It was now March 2001. Sharon’s condition still had not improved and, if anything, had gotten worse. There still was no response anymore even to pain. I continued to have dreams about Sharon, some of which were more a form of communication, since they were so vivid and memorable. There was one in particular where Sharon hugged me and then I saw in calligraphy, which is something she used to do, the words were written, “I planned it this way.” The words were very clear. I remember sitting in a meditative state one evening when the words “black and white” came to me, and I could see a prison outfit. The message came through very clearly from Sharon, “I wasn’t going back. I made the decision.” In another dream I saw a newspaper on a chair. I picked it up and it turned into money. This later proved to be a very prophetic dream. Our attorney called a month later and informed us of a settlement with the county jail. I journeyed once again on the question as to whether to accept the settlement. I got the words, “Take it, and accept it.” I saw a jury room and the words, “If you lose, they win. This way you win. Small victories chip away at an institution. You

As The Eagle Cries___________________________ 87 can still bring about public awareness. Justice is not about money. This world associates everything with money, like success equals money. Not true. Everyone needs a rest. It’s time to enjoy life.” I explained my journey to Chris and Ron. Both of them wanted to proceed with a jury hearing but thought about what I had gotten and came to the conclusion we should accept the settlement and we did. The county settled with us and recognized the need for improved medical care within their jail system. When Sharon was incarcerated she should have been classified as needing medical attention and needed to see a doctor. She was not given her medication, which resulted in her having a seizure and her hitting her head on the concrete floor of the jail, which ultimately resulted in her coma. The money received from the settlement was placed in a trust for Sharon’s care. I continued to journey whenever I could and each journey reflected the same theme and message. Sharon had made her decision. I needed to accept it and let it go. She would always be with us. When I journeyed Sharon was happy about the settlement decision. She wasn’t concerned about the jail as much as she was about giving back to those she loved and who had loved her. She said everyone needed to move on and she was glad she had helped me become a much stronger person for having gone through all I had. I journeyed once again to my father who told me that “Life is an experience, and don’t let the experience fool you. You are much more than your human experiences.” He told me once again that Sharon needs to move on and I need to let her go and enjoy life. “Don’t linger on what is gone but concentrate on what is still around you.” I tried to let go and follow the advice I was given, but it

88 ___________________________Carol A. Freeman continued to haunt me that if Sharon had decided not to come back, then why wasn’t she leaving. Over the next several months, I continued to have dreams and journeys. I asked Sharon on one particular occasion why she wasn’t leaving, and the message came through that this was a process and to have patience. She still had some obligations here. She also told me that the grimacing and pain she expressed in earlier months was not to encourage us that she was coming back but to let us know how difficult it would be to come back. She knew it would be difficult for us when she left, but we would be at peace knowing it would have been too difficult for her to try and come back, and it was the best thing for everyone. That journey occurred on Mother’s Day May 2001, and at the end of the journey in big letters I saw the words “Love You—Mother’s Day.” Four weeks later, Ron and I discussed if we were doing the right thing each time we replaced the feeding tube which was keeping Sharon alive. In my journeys regarding this, I was told Sharon was finished with the body and had evolved beyond the need for it. If we discontinued the feeding tube, it would be the final completion to her of our spiritual growth and evolution in the belief that the spirit lives on and the body is only the physical aspect and not the true essence of that person. If we could not do this, eventually she would find a way out. My husband and I discussed the information received but still could not bring ourselves to pull the feeding tube. We just weren’t ready to make that decision. Over the next several months, I continued to journey and attended another shamanic workshop. The messages I continued to receive were that Sharon was in a “process with others,” to be patient with the process, and that the accident had to happen so that we would open ourselves spiritually. I was told Sharon was in another reality and happy and that Chief Phil Crazy Bull was a

As The Eagle Cries___________________________ 89 good man who had provided the gateway for our communication. She appreciated what we had done. At one time while journeying, I thought again about the feeding tube, the answer I received was “Not to worry,” that Sharon would be in charge of the timing, and she would decide when she would leave. The journeys continued, and during one I was transported to the living room where I lived as a child. All my relatives were around a Buddha-like statue. There were also several elephants. I then saw a person lying in the middle of the floor surrounded by these same people. It was Sharon. People began laying flowers on her, and then everyone left the room slowly followed by the elephants. Sharon’s spirit rose out of her body and started to play a violin. I next saw an urn on a pedestal in the room where I journey and knew that Sharon’s ashes were in that urn. The next scene was Sharon now, at the rehabilitation center, and people were struggling with her feeding tube, pulling it in and then out. Finally, Sharon popped it out herself. She then gathered her clothes on the bed and the journey ended. Another journey involved seeing a beautiful white marble building with a huge garden and fountain in the center. There were several other buildings on either side of the marble building. One, where people were dancing, one where symphony music was playing, a library, a teaching center, and a hospital building. Animals were walking around as well as people. I mentally asked about Sharon and was told she was in preparation for herself and others. I then saw her on an elevator-like apparatus going up above this area I had just envisioned. My interpretation of this was that she was in a process of preparation and ascending to a higher spiritual level. Months passed and still Sharon was not responding and just existing with the aid of the feeding tube. In January of 2002, I was struggling with the thoughts of doing another Hanbleca in April.

90 ___________________________Carol A. Freeman We still desperately needed answers as to why Sharon was not passing on, and we still felt we could not pull the feeding tube. At the beginning of April 2002, the head nurse from the rehabilitation center called us. Once again Sharon’s feeding tube was leaking and needed to be replaced. We decided to replace it once again and that I would go to Albuquerque in a few weeks for another Hanbleca to seek the answers we needed.

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CHAPTER 7 BEYOND OUR REALITY Ron and I traveled to Albuquerque on April 23, 2002. Chris was living in Austin, had started a new job, and could not get the time off to do Hanbleca. He was able to get one day off at the end of the week, was planning to come for the last day of Hanbleca, and would be a supporter for that day. He would go up the mountain and carry down the backpacks and sleeping gear for the participants. On April 24, we attended a preparation meeting for Hanbleca. I had suffered with hip problems over the last year, and the pain seemed to be getting worse. I began to have serious doubts about my ability to do another Hanbleca. That night I did not sleep at all, tossing and turning with the pain in my hip. I knew I had committed myself to this and was not going to back out. Thursday, April 25, was the first day of Hanbleca. As we drove into the mountain area, the thought came to me that perhaps when Sharon passed away we could spread her ashes here in the canyon where we had made such a connection with her. It was a brief thought, and we were soon at the base of the mountain. A group of fifteen headed up the mountain for four days of prayer and fasting with the hopes of connecting with spirit and finding the answers to our prayers. Chief Phil Crazy Bull met with me that day at the site of my Hochaka. He prayed with me that I might find clarity and trust. I asked him about our confusion and about whether we should pull the feeding tube the next time it needed to be replaced. His answer was to ask him that question at the end of

92 ___________________________Carol A. Freeman my Hanbleca. After he left that day, I sat there for a period of time thinking about what he had said about clarity and trust. It was true. I didn’t trust myself with the information I was receiving, thinking I was just making it all up in my mind. I wasn’t even trusting that I could do this four-day Hanbleca. As far as clarity, nothing was clear to me at all. I was totally confused by Sharon’s situation. That first day I started to think about how I could maintain my spirituality while living in a very materialistic world. The thoughts that came to me that I would find it in the silence. I could go hiking in the trails around where we lived, I could visit the Coast of Oregon more often, where I found peace in the silence, visit the Japanese Gardens in Portland, or just take long walks observing nature. I continued to pray that day for the trust I needed so desperately. Late in the afternoon, I laid down on my sleeping bag, and out of my peripheral vision, I thought I saw Ron and felt his presence by my side. I turned and of course he was not there. The same thing happened with a friend of mine by the name of Maggie. She also was on Hanbleca but not by my side. I felt strongly that they both must have been thinking of me. I later found out they were that day both concerned and praying that I would be able to do the Hanbleca and that the pain in my hip would go away. That evening I tried to go to sleep but found that the mosquitoes had quite another idea. They kept buzzing around my head, and after what seemed like a few hours of their annoyance, I put on my fleece hat that covered my ears and head and found the sound bearable. That evening, the moon was full, and I rolled over onto my right side to sleep. I saw a vision of five Native Americans in ceremonial dress on a hill nearby just looking over me. I felt a sense of calm and peace and felt I would be protected and went to sleep. Friday morning I awoke to the birds chirping and the sun

As The Eagle Cries___________________________ 93 coming up over the horizon. It was chilly in the morning, cloudy and cold. I put on two jackets and that kept me warm. When the sun came through the clouds later that morning it got warmer, and I took off one jacket. I wrote in my journal that morning and watched the birds, insects, and leaves on the trees. I felt totally connected to each and every one of them. I watched two black beetles that had come into my Hochaka. It was interesting to watch how different each one was. One was very hesitant and would run away at the slightest movement. The other was more determined, would climb over rocks, and not be disturbed by anything that you might put in its way. At one point the beetle flipped over, struggled to get up, and did. It was a struggle for it to climb the tiny sand hills and move things out of its way, but eventually it got over and around whatever was in its way. The thoughts came to me as I watched the beetle that “Life is a struggle for most of us, the key is to just keep moving, and we will get through it. Nothing in nature stops for very long, everything keeps moving.” I watched a small centipede as it moved ever so slowly over rocks. It fell over twice and eventually got up and moved ahead over the leaves. There are wonderful lessons to be learned from just observing nature and realizing that we are all connected and can learn from each other. Friday afternoon I thought more about clarity. I needed the clarity to know what to do about Sharon’s feeding tube, was she happy, and was she okay? There were a lot of issues that needed clarity in my life. In the afternoon, I observed the insects as they passed through my Hochaka. An ant and a beetle passed by each other and kept going. The message came to me of acceptance. Here were two very different insects passing each other going their own way next to each other accepting that they were different but each going about their business in life. I also saw a vision on a rock of Sharon with a gentleman who looked very much like Ron. Sharon was inside a

94 ___________________________Carol A. Freeman tube and afraid to come out and needed encouragement from him to do so. I got the feeling from this vision that Sharon was afraid of passing over. That evening again I saw the Native Americans on the hill nearby and fell asleep. I didn’t sleep as well that evening and awoke a few times with the moon shining right above me. I felt it must have been about midnight from the position of the moon. I awoke again, saw the moon to my right side, and guessed the time to be just before dawn. I found it amazing how I could tell the time by nature. Saturday morning, day three, I awoke and had several visions. I could see a man holding a long tube in a tree above my Hochaka. The tube turned into the side of a mattress, and a little person was pushing the mattress half way off the bed. There was a person in the bed, and it was Sharon. The message I received was “Six months.” I saw a large male figure carrying Sharon on his back in the sky and going into this very bright light. The bright light seemed to be another person. I saw Sharon in a cave-like area on a rock and someone up above holding out his or her hand to her to help her, but she was crying and afraid. At some point during these visions, I realized I needed to let go of everything. I continued to pray, surrendered to the Creator, and gave the issues I faced to him. I knew that when the time came regarding the feeding tube, I could trust Ron’s decision. He always seemed to know the right thing to do. I remembered a dream I had months earlier. In the dream, Ron, Sharon, and I were in the first house we had. We were all sitting in the living room. My husband got up and said he was leaving and was finished with this place. Next Sharon got up, followed him, and said the same thing. I was the only one who stayed and said I wasn’t finished with the place yet. The realization came that I was the one who was hanging on and not letting go of Sharon.

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The message came to me very clearly that day that I needed to trust his decision. Both our children listened to him and trusted his decisions, and I was the only one who didn’t. The words came, “Trust it now and be at peace, for the time is near when such will be his choice. You don’t always have to choose. Let him be part of this process. He is the father, and she his daughter. Also, do not interfere, for he too has a choice in the process. Yours is to trust him more and doubt less.” The thoughts continued, “You have to let her go physically and accept her spiritually.” By the position of the scorching sun, I guessed it must have been around noon. The sun was beating directly overhead. My throat was dry, my lips parched, and I was desperately in need of some water. The pebble I had placed under my tongue to create saliva had quit working. I began to pray for water and hoped that Phil Crazy Bull would bring some water soon. By late afternoon it didn’t seem hopeful, so I sat down and all of a sudden felt Sharon’s presence by my side. I couldn’t see her, but I felt something or someone was there. Sharon was a very gregarious and outspoken person. You knew how she felt about things pretty quickly. The thoughts came to me, “Life sucks, doesn’t it.” At that point I reached for my pencil and journal, so I could write down what I was hearing. She then said, “If you write everything down, I can’t talk. I feel like I am in a courtroom. Put the pen down.” I put the pen down and hoped I could remember everything, so I could write it down later. The mental messages I received from her were that she liked the garage sales we went to and that it was too bad Chris didn’t live closer to us so Chris’ wife Heidi and I could do the same. She said she had to leave, and I didn’t want her to go. She said to just call her, she would be there but “not by telephone, of course,” and there came a little laugh. She said she would be back. I said mentally I would be all alone, and she came back with

96 ___________________________Carol A. Freeman “You aren’t alone.” She went on to say again that life sucks, and she would rather not be here, but she was afraid to leave. She didn’t know what was out there though people have said, “It’s nice.” Then she said, “You could be here [meaning the mountain] or out there [meaning the world].” She didn’t know about me, but she would rather be here (meaning the mountain). She also mentioned that the decision needs to be left to Dad. She said, “He thinks clearly, logically, and his conclusions are not always what you want to hear, but usually he’s correct.” She said that, “Dad and you should go out and enjoy yourselves.” She went on to say, “Don’t spend your time crying over me. Do something fun.” Then the words of a song came to me, “Yesterday is dead and gone and tomorrow’s looking bright. Hold back the tears and open yourself up. There is a whole world waiting out there.” Finally, before leaving I got the message, “You know you were thinking about spreading my ashes here in the canyon. I don’t think so. I want to be on the nightstand in a nice warm house.” I later realized that Sharon was the only one who called the pedestal in her bedroom a nightstand. The last thing said was, “You look pretty stupid in that red hat and stuff.” I had put on a red fleece hat earlier in the morning when it was so cold. She went on to say, “It’s nice what these people are doing [meaning Hanbleca], but I don’t think I could have done it. Too bad Chris didn’t come. I would have liked to talk to him, too. I am glad you came, I like the Southwest, sunshine and all, desert and cactus.” She mentioned the beetle that had been visiting my Hochaka and said, “He is more afraid of you and you need to grow up.” I didn’t feel her presence anymore and felt she had gone. Saturday afternoon I got some sage from my backpack and began to look at it very closely. It was stuck together and appeared very rigid. I started to take the sage, pull it apart ever so gently so it was not as rigid, and make it more flexible. It really looked beautiful when the leaves were open. The more rigid the leaves were, the

As The Eagle Cries___________________________ 97 more they broke when I tried to pull them apart. I realized the more rigid one is in life in one’s thinking and being resistant, the more one is apt to break. Whereas if one can become more flexible, life is more beautiful. Saturday evening I couldn’t sleep. I tossed and turned, and my stomach was upset. I finally decided to lie on my back, and I looked up at the tree above me. I guessed it was about midnight, and the moon was full. I first heard a voice singing, “Listen to the story of a soul’s journey.” I saw in the tree above me a vision of a Native American young woman with braided black hair coming over her shoulders and dressed in white. I then saw Sharon, also dressed in white and her hair down and flowing freely as she sometimes wore it. Sharon was packing a suitcase. The next picture I saw was Sharon’s body on a bed and two people administering to it and her body was halfway off the bed. Next I saw a staircase behind them. Sharon was now standing up and looking at the staircase. She was being encouraged to climb that staircase. Sharon was very hesitant, and it took a long time, but she finally climbed one stair. To the right of this scene I saw on one of the branches of the tree a Native American dressed in ceremonial dress and the words came, “I am Chief Phil Crazy Bull and Sharon has gone to be with the White Buffalo Calf Woman, but her body will remain a while longer.” At first astonished at what I saw, I questioned it. It certainly did look like the Medicine Man, but how could he be so small and on the branch of the tree above me? At the same time I felt reassured he was there, since it was the middle of the night and I was seeing all these visions. The next scene was more powerful than what I had seen previously. To the left of the tree was Sharon again. She spoke to me in a song. The melody was similar to a song I had heard many years ago from the Sound of Music movie and she sang, “Good-bye, Good-bye, Good-bye.” To the left of the tree she appeared again and this time sitting inside the center of a tulip on a flower petal.

98 ___________________________Carol A. Freeman She said, “I love you. Tell Dad I love him. Tell Chris I love him and Heidi. A little baby is coming. There should be no guilt.” The last thing she said was, “Dad doesn’t have to make this decision.” After hearing this the message came, from where I do not know, that things happened the way they were suppose to. I saw a Phoenix bird in the tree and Sharon was arising from the center of it. I turned onto my left side. I felt I needed a break and was feeling overwhelmed with what I was seeing. I saw Sharon once again, she was dressed in a cap and gown like in a graduation ceremony, and she had a diploma in her hand. There were two other larger people with her. I looked again at the tree, saw a telephone, and again saw the White Buffalo Calf Woman kneeling over Sharon’s body and Sharon’s spirit was behind her looking on. Next, I saw Sharon sitting with a group of people and the seating was similar to an airplane. The words came to me, “She is going to meet Nels.” At first not understanding who this was, I then remembered my cousin Clay who had died two years before and his proper name was Nels although no one ever called him by this name. The last thing I saw was what appeared to be a dollar bill, which went from Sharon to the hand of the White Buffalo Calf Woman. It was still very dark, and I had no light to write everything down I was seeing. I decided to stay awake for the rest of that night because I was afraid that if I fell asleep I might forget some or all of what I had seen and I wanted to make sure I wrote it all down. Finally after what seemed like a couple of hours, to the east I saw the sun coming up, and there was enough light so I could get my journal and a pen to write. I quickly started writing everything down. Once again another vision in the tree appeared. It was a woman lying down who looked like me. There was a gentleman giving me water and then some food, and Sharon was standing nearby. I felt it wouldn’t be very long until I did indeed get some water and food that day. After writing everything in my journal, I

As The Eagle Cries___________________________ 99 felt at peace for the first time in almost three years knowing that Sharon had made her decision to leave but her body would remain for a period of time. I felt confident that we would be making the right decision next time by not replacing the feeding tube once it leaked or broke and needed to be replaced again. My prayers had been answered. Later that afternoon, after having no sleep and feeling physically and emotionally drained, I got up and leaned on the tree next to my Hochaka. I felt very weak and my back was aching. I thanked the tree for its support just glad to have something to lean on. I then saw Chief Phil Crazy Bull coming up the path, and he was bringing water. I drank some water, told Phil of my vision, and asked if he was truly in my vision. His answer was, “Yes.” I told him I wanted to go down. He said okay but he would be back for me after he had given everyone water. While waiting for Phil to return and totally exhausted, I lay back down on my sleeping bag. I looked up at the sky and once again saw Sharon and this time with another woman flying across the sky. Next she appeared in the sky as a huge figure and was holding a baby. I saw myself holding the baby and Sharon putting her head on my shoulder. I wanted to stay longer because the visions kept coming but my back continued to ache and I didn’t think I could physically survive another day. Phil came back, and I followed him back down the mountain thankful for what I had seen and grateful to still be alive. When I reached the bottom of the mountain, one of the supporters was there and drove me back to the sweat lodge, so that I could complete the last two rounds of the Inipi to complete the ceremony. I had to be isolated from the rest of the people at the lodge because I was still in ceremony and still in the “spirit world.” I was given

100 ___________________________Carol A. Freeman water and escorted to a bedroom in the house next to the sweat lodge. I was still seeing visions when I looked out the window at the clouds. I found that at times out of my peripheral vision I could see somebody to my right although when I looked that way there was no one there. It was late in the day when Chief Phil Crazy Bull came back. Phil, Ron, and I along with Chris, who had arrived that day, went into the sweat lodge. It was at this point that Phil said Sharon was also in the lodge with us and that she was a very pretty girl. I told them of my visions and how I thought it would be about six months until Sharon’s body would pass. Phil said he thought it would be seven. He emphasized it could be seven days, seven hours, seven months, or seven years. During the second round of the sweat, I looked into the rocks in the vision pit, and I saw an elephant and Sharon’s face. After the ceremony, I recalled that in the past I had been concerned about her needs and anxiously wanting her to return to us and thinking about myself and not what she might have wanted. I no longer felt like that, but felt that a gift had been given to me because now I carried her in my heart and she would be with me always. I later learned from Ron that the second night of Hanbleca he had given a flesh offering which is a ceremony where one gives of oneself to the Creator praying for a healing. His intention was for me to not be in pain when I was up on the hill. I told him when I came down that after that first day I no longer experienced the pain in my hips as I had before. His prayers had been answered. The next day after the Hanbleca ceremony was over Chris, Ron and I traveled to Santa Fe and Taos, New Mexico. After a restful sleep, a shower, and some food, I was looking forward to seeing a different part of New Mexico. We arrived in Santa Fe mid-afternoon and took an open bus tour of the city. It was a beautiful city with a

As The Eagle Cries___________________________ 101 lot of history and old churches. The next day we traveled to Taos. There was something about Taos which gave me the same sense of peace I experienced while on Hanbleca. We visited the Taos pueblo where Native Americans are still living. The children who were attending school there were in recess outdoors. We went inside the church and visited the cemetery. We purchased some cookies, which had been baked in one of the outdoor ovens by a very old Native American woman. The people were pleasant and eager to greet visitors. Theirs was a simple way of life. They didn’t need all of the modern conveniences we have today, yet they seemed to be happy and content. It certainly was a contrast to Santa Fe, and I liked it better. Before we left Taos, we visited a park-like area in the center of town where Mexican music was playing. Shops and some art galleries surrounded the town center. We went into one of the art galleries. Both Ron and I were drawn to one of the paintings entitled Strikes at Sunrise. It was a portrait of courage and strength before battle. It was a beautiful picture though too expense for us. We left the gallery and headed back to our hotel. The next morning we got up early and headed back to Albuquerque. The following day we were back on a plane back to Portland. We had said goodbye to Chris at the airport, and he boarded a plane back to Austin, Texas.

102 ___________________________Carol A. Freeman

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CHAPTER 8 COURAGE AND SPIRIT Ron and I continued to see Sharon on a regular basis. We held firm with our decision not to replace the feeding tube the next time it needed to be replaced, but certainly were not ready to pull the tube. We informed the head nurse at the Rehabilitation Center of our decision. It was at this time that she informed us that the center did not feel comfortable having Sharon stay there if the feeding tube would not be replaced. She offered several choices, one of which was to place Sharon in a Hospice facility. At first astonished that they wouldn’t keep her there, my husband and I looked at each other and determined that when the time came, we would bring her home and care for her at home with the aid of Hospice. Not knowing how to arrange any of this, I called Hospice the following day and a very pleasant lady answered the phone. She answered all my questions and concerns, and I was told they would need about two days to set everything up at our home once we made the decision to bring Sharon home. I thanked her for the information and told her I would call her when we needed her assistance. Months passed, and in October 2002, I decided to journey once again. I laid down, listened to the drumming tape, and spiritually went to the area where I journey. I was immediately transported to a higher level than where I usually go. I found myself on horseback galloping very fast and following a gentleman wearing a long robe. He had white hair and a long white beard, similar to what I imagined to be a wizard-like figure. I ended up in a small Old English town

104 ___________________________Carol A. Freeman with cobblestone streets and little shops. I followed this gentleman down the street. As I passed the people dressed in the clothing of that age, they stopped and looked at me and parted as I came down the street. The message I received was “People need to hear what you have to say” and I was to “administer to the dying.” I was told to begin to write Sharon’s Journey Home. Immediately my thoughts were, what a big undertaking. Would I need to publish it? Immediately the thoughts came to me that I was not to think about any of that, and it would get to those who needed to read it and to just write it. I came back from the journey with the understanding this was something I had to do and within two weeks started to write this story, and I set aside two to three hours each weekend to do so. Weeks went by and Sharon still showed no signs of improvement; however, the feeding tube was stable. Our faith was definitely being tested, but we held to our beliefs, and I trusted in my visions. In November 2002, Ron and I decided to go to the Oregon coast for two days. We needed the time away and the peace that the ocean gave us. We visited a gallery while there and once again saw the painting Strikes at Sunrise that we had first seen in Taos, New Mexico the year before. This gallery was going out of business and the painting was discounted 50 percent. This was the second time this painting had appeared, and intuitively I felt we needed to purchase it. We got the painting, had it framed, and put it on the wall in our living room. Within two weeks we learned this same gallery was having an auction and everything in the gallery would be auctioned off. We decided to travel back to the coast and attend the auction. We got there early in the morning and began to look around at other paintings. Ron and I were both drawn to another painting by the same artist entitled, Reflections from the Shadow Spirit. It showed a Native American male looking out a window

As The Eagle Cries___________________________ 105 and seeing the spirit of a woman on horseback. We bought the painting and placed it over our bed. Ron had been experiencing headaches for the previous week, and on December 16, he called me from his doctor’s office. He was advised to go the emergency room because his blood pressure was so high they needed to control it intravenously. With his complaint of headaches and his blood pressure so high I feared he might be going to have a stroke. I became quite concerned, left work and went to the emergency room. Five hours later he was admitted to the hospital to stabilize his blood pressure. The next morning while at work, I received a call from the head nurse at the Rehabilitation Center. She told me, “Sharon’s feeding tube is leaking and we presently have it held together with tape, but I don’t know how long that will hold.” I told her we had made our choice to not replace the tube and would be back in touch with her once I called Hospice. The timing couldn’t have been worse. Sharon was dying and my husband was in the hospital suffering from severe high blood pressure. Although I didn’t want to cause him more stress in his condition, I felt I had no choice but to tell him the bad news. When I broke the news to him he started to cry. We hugged each other and both cried. This was going to be the hardest thing we would ever have to do, and I questioned our ability to see it through. Hospice made all the arrangements to bring Sharon home. The Rehabilitation Center arranged the ambulance transportation. Sharon arrived home on December 20, 2002 the day after Ron was discharged from the hospital. We had the hospital bed placed in the living room, and when Sharon arrived, she looked more peaceful than I had ever seen her since the accident. The Hospice nurse along with the social worker and caregivers arrived shortly

106 ___________________________Carol A. Freeman after the ambulance. I reflected back on the journey I had a few months before about Chris being dressed in a dark suit and the ambulance bringing someone into our home on a stretcher. I felt I was being given information to prepare me for what was ahead. Ron and I sat down at our kitchen table, and the Hospice nurse explained their program and assistance they could provide to us. The nurse then took out Sharon’s feeding tube. It came out very easily, since it was only being held in place by a piece of tape. Sharon was still very unresponsive, yet seemed very much at peace with her surroundings. We arranged for caregivers twenty-four hours a day. Sharon required skilled care, still had her tracheotomy, and required medication every two hours. I was determined to be a part of the care as much as I could and helped with bathing, and medication and tracheotomy care. Several times throughout the day, I would come and go into the living room, and each time I would glance at the painting we had purchased, Strikes at Sunrise, and the thoughts would come, “Courage and strength.” Indeed I then knew why I had been so strongly encouraged to purchase it. We were determined that we wanted Sharon to be surrounded by friends and family, so Chris returned home from Austin, Texas. Each evening for a week we had friends over who knew Sharon. On one of these occasions, several of our friends who practiced Reiki came over to our home. I asked if they would be willing to do Reiki for Sharon, and they all agreed. We spent one hour administering Reiki to Sharon. I was at the head of her bed with my hands over her head area, and the others put their hands over the rest of her body. I could feel the heat from my hands on Sharon’s face. I closed my eyes and saw a boxing ring with people seated around the ring. The boxers began to fight. All of a sudden they both fell backward, the people in the area were gone, and there were empty seats. The

As The Eagle Cries___________________________ 107 thought came to me, “Give up the fight.” After the session I asked the others if they had gotten any information, and the only thing they could relate was that Sharon wanted to be hugged and cuddled. I took their advice and spent each day for about an hour or more just lying in her hospital bed with her. One day as I lay there next to her with our arms intertwined, I had the overwhelming feeling that this was just like giving birth to her. I felt I was helping her cross over into a new life. There were definite stages to her passing. Sometimes her face would get very red, and she would sweat. At other times she would shake, but these stages were very brief. Her medications were adjusted and these reactions disappeared. It was Christmas Day, Ron and I attended to Sharon since the caregivers had plans for Christmas. It was a special day for us. We each spent time with her individually lying down with her and talking to her. Even though there were no visible signs of recognition on her part, I felt she could hear us. Ron and I got little sleep, and this process was taking its toll physically and especially emotionally. It was very hard to watch our daughter die, but I knew it was the right thing for us to do. She had given me the message she did not want to return, and I needed to abide by her wishes. Chris did some shamanic journeying to see if he could reach Sharon. When he journeyed, he found Sharon sitting on a throne surrounded by African artifacts. Sharon moved the throne, and around the corner was a brilliant white light coming down from above. She asked Chris if he wanted to step into it. At first he was hesitant, but then later agreed. He said it was like an elevator, and the light brought him up, and in a distance he could see all these people waiting, and he thought they were waiting for Sharon. He mentioned to Sharon he had felt guilty about not journeying more to her. Sharon put her finger on his lips and said, “No need to be

108 ___________________________Carol A. Freeman sorry. The practice of journeying was more for you.” Ron’s cousin, Brenda, called us from Connecticut. She also had been able to reach Sharon through journeying and meditation. We had asked her to ask Sharon if there was anything she needed from us now. She did journey and called back the following evening. The information she gave me was that Sharon wanted me to walk her into the light. Not knowing how exactly I could accomplish this, I thanked her for the information and was determined to spend more time just lying down with her and letting her know it was okay for her to walk into the light. On Friday, December 27, I awoke from a light sleep and felt there was a presence in the bedroom. Out of my peripheral vision I thought I saw Sharon dressed in a long white dress. I looked in that direction, and it was gone. Also that day I kept getting the information that we should sit down and watch the video we had of Sharon and the family together at the Oregon Coast and in Central Oregon. I was reluctant to do this, because I felt it would make me cry and one of the caregivers was there at the time and I didn’t want to cry in front of her. Later that same day, I still kept getting the message I needed to view the video, and so I decided to do so. While I viewed the video, I remembered how funny and carefree Sharon was. She had a wonderful personality, and as I viewed the videos, it made me laugh and feel better. I was very surprised at my reaction, but it left me with a sense of peace, and indeed what I saw on the video was Sharon and not the lifeless body in the same room with us that day.

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CHAPTER 9 THE GREATEST GIFT Eight days passed, and it was now December 28. I got up that morning, and I couldn’t get a song out of my head. I hadn’t heard it in many years, and I think it was from the 1950s. I kept hearing “I wish you bluebirds in the spring…a fire to keep you warm and when snowflakes fall, I wish you love.” I was only getting certain words, but the words were very clear. All day long I heard these words. In between them I also heard “Joyful, Joyful” and “Celebration Time, Come On.” I couldn’t figure out why I was getting these messages. That evening we had friends over who had moved to Oregon from Arizona. Our families had been friends for many years. It was about 10:30 pm when they left. I went over to check on Sharon. She was very pale and her mouth was open. I knew she wouldn’t make it though the night. I told Ron, and he tried to assure me that he felt it might be another couple of days. I still felt strongly she wouldn’t last through the night, and so I took my shower and got ready for bed and told him I was going to lie down with her for the rest of the night. I lay next to Sharon and spoke to her softly letting her know I bought her into this world, and I was going to be there to help her out. Our arms were intertwined much as I had done in the previous days when I would lie down with her. I could feel her take a deep breath and let it out. I paid close attention to her breathing, and

110 ___________________________Carol A. Freeman each time she took a breath, I waited for her to let it out. I lay there for about thirty minutes each time anticipating her breathing. She then took a deep breath let it out, and there was no deep breath again. I waited a few seconds and knew she had passed over. I called Ron in from the other room. He turned the light up which had been dimly lit and looked at Sharon and said, “Yes, you are right. She is gone. How did you know?” I asked what time it was, and it was 11 pm. I looked up at the ceiling from the bed where I was lying next to Sharon. I saw this gold light go across the ceiling and down the hallway. The light returned and stayed over the bed for a few minutes and again went down the hallway once again. It returned one last time, lingered above the bed, and merged with another bigger light that now was above the bed. In this light I could see the face of a man although I could not recognize who it was. At that point both gold lights merged together and went right through the ceiling above the bed. When I saw this gold light, I asked Ron who was standing nearby, “Do you see that?” He looked where I was pointing and said, “No.” The Hospice caregiver came into the room, and she could not see it either. I continued to lie there with Sharon. Ron sat next to the bed on a chair. We stayed there for about one hour. It was the most peaceful feeling I have ever experienced. I felt Sharon had given me a beautiful spiritual gift. I was no longer afraid of death and was confident Sharon was at peace. The caregiver and I washed Sharon’s body, and I lit some sage and let the smoke from the sage cover Sharon’s body. We had been instructed to do this by Chief Phil Crazy Bull to purify the body after death.

As The Eagle Cries___________________________ 111 I called the funeral home where we had made arrangements. Sharon’s body was to be cremated. I had asked them to hold the body for seventy-two hours, which according to Native American tradition allows the spirit the time to leave the body. I knew the golden light I saw above the bed was indeed Sharon’s spirit. We got to bed around 2 am after the caregiver left, and we slept some. It had been raining for several days before, but the next morning when I awoke the sun was shining brightly, and it was a beautiful day. It was a very difficult day for Ron and me. The hospital bed and all the medical equipment was still in the house, and each time I passed the bed, I could see Sharon’s face when she died. I cried most of the day. I decided I couldn’t face going by that hospital bed again, so I took my laptop computer, and tried to do some work in the bedroom. When I started to work on the computer, a song again came into my head and I heard, “Don’t be so sad; I know it’s over. But life goes on, and this old world will keep on turning. Just be glad we had some time to spend together...for the good times.” I kept hearing this most of the day. I felt in some way Sharon was trying to comfort me. I looked above our bed, saw the painting Reflections From the Shadow Spirit, and once again realized why we needed to purchase that painting. It reminded me that we may not be able to physically see Sharon, but she was with us still in spirit. The next day we called Chief Phil Crazy Bull in Albuquerque to arrange a time for a Native American ceremony to honor Sharon’s passing. We decided on the date of March 8, 2003. On December 31, Michelle, the shamanic practitioner, called. She had been informed by some of our friends that Sharon had passed into the spirit world. She asked permission to journey to Sharon and assist her in crossing over and assured me she had done

112 ___________________________Carol A. Freeman this for other people in the past. I immediately agreed, anxious to help Sharon in any way I could. She called back the next day and told us what happened during her journey to Sharon. She said she found Sharon outside of our house the day after she died. Sharon was very concerned over our grief and the sadness and suffering she saw. She said her suffering was over, and so her family’s suffering should be over, and she couldn’t understand why we were continuing to be filled with grief. Michelle explained to her that she was still connected to all the members of the family energetically, and Michelle suggested that with the aid of her spirit helpers that Sharon disconnect herself and in that way it would help her and her family to begin the healing process. Sharon agreed, and as her spirit helpers and Michelle disconnected the energetic link to the family, Sharon’s spirit began to glow and radiate love and peace. After this was accomplished, she and Sharon journeyed to her body, which was in the funeral home, so she could leave her pain and suffering here on earth. She then instructed Sharon to dispose of all her painful memories, misguided actions, and all her suffering by breathing these memories back into the physical body, so that they could be left here and be returned to the earth. While this was happening, Michelle saw Sharon’s life flash before her from childhood to adulthood. There were many painful moments, and all of the misunderstandings of her life flooded from her spirit into her empty physical body at lightning speed. It was understood that all of this pain and suffering would be left here and reconverted by the earth into new pure energy. Through this process Sharon would not take any of these memories or negative patterns into her next life. After Sharon had done this, her aura expanded to double in size and in brightness as she released all of the suffering. Immediately after this occurred the Keeper of her Personal Contract arrived and informed Sharon that she had completed her lessons this lifetime regarding mental illness and addictions successfully and was fully released from a karmic debt. As this message was received by her

As The Eagle Cries___________________________ 113 consciousness, a dark shadow disengaged from her spirit body as if the karma was released back to the universe. Sharon was so happy, and again her light became so bright that Michelle had to shield her eyes because of the intensity. At this time, Sharon then turned to Michelle and said, “I have to tell you that my other work here on earth was to assure my family’s spiritual growth and progress, and I know that I have completely fulfilled this obligation as well. I want them to know that everything that didn’t look like God (all the pain, insanity, and suffering) was God. That’s how God works. My suffering caused my family to look for solutions and answers that ultimately led to their spiritual growth and transformation.” Michelle then asked Sharon if she was ready to go home. Sharon hesitantly said, “Yes.” She then called upon the archangels, Michael, Gabriel, Ariel, and Raphael, and Sharon was lifted up to the corner of the Eastern sky. Her ancestors and angels were asked to open the gates, so that she could pass through. As the gates opened, Michelle saw an incredible array of ancestors waiting to welcome Sharon. Many of these ancestors were of African descent. Michelle asked her again if she was ready to join them. Sharon at this time told Michelle she had stayed in the coma for the three years on earth, so that she could accomplish another task. She was working diligently for the last three years and needed to complete this task. She asked the angels to help her, and she stretched her hands down through the levels of reality to the Rehabilitation Center where she had lived for the last three years. An escalator of light beamed down to the center and the suffering, discarnate souls of the people who had died in the nursing center and had not crossed over and were still suffering began to ascend on an escalator of light. It was understood that she had been gathering these poor suffering souls together during the time she was in a coma as part of her work. There were hundreds of souls that Sharon helped over at this time. When this process was finished, Michelle asked Sharon once again if she was ready to go home. Sharon looked back at the family

114 ___________________________Carol A. Freeman home for a very long time. Her spirit guides and Michelle assured her that she would be able to help her family more effectively on the other side than she could trapped in their ordinary reality. At this time, she agreed and crossed into and was enveloped into the arms of her ancestors. There was so much joy and love, and it was so intense, it was almost unbelievable. There was celestial music playing and a deep sense of release and peace. Along with the angels, Michelle bid farewell to Sharon, and the gates closed gently and firmly assuring her crossing. At this time, Michelle journeyed back to the family home with the spirit guides and with Dr. Usui, founder of the practice of Reiki, energy healing. Dr. Usui filled the sky above the home with the Reiki symbols as a blessing, the power symbol for mental and emotional healing of the past, present, and future symbol. The spirit guides also blessed the home. When this was accomplished, Michelle related that the thought process coming to her was, “It is finished in beauty; it is finished in beauty; it is finished in beauty.” Michelle told us her journey experience and reassured us that Sharon was at peace, but we still had to deal with our loss and grief. No matter how reassured we were, there was still an empty feeling inside of us. A part of us was gone. On January 1, 2003, a good friend, Bev, went to a sweat lodge (Inipi) ceremony in Zig Zag Oregon. Upon coming out of the sweat lodge, she looked up at the sky and saw a bright star. It moved and came down close to the earth, and the star turned into Sharon’s face, and it was smiling. She felt that it was Sharon’s way of saying she was okay. The star then disappeared. On January 2, the funeral home called to say Sharon’s ashes were ready to be picked up. A flood of emotions overwhelmed me once again as Ron and I went to pick up her ashes. I was able to control

As The Eagle Cries___________________________ 115 my tears until we left the funeral home. I felt this overwhelming sadness and grief were now a part of my total being and felt a deep pressure in my chest. When we arrived home, we opened the urn. It was an emerald green and gold cloisonné urn. We had picked it out and made the funeral arrangements about six months before once we made the decision not to replace the feeding tube. Upon opening the urn, I checked to make sure the tag on it matched the paperwork from the funeral home and crematorium. I had heard tragic stories in the past where someone did not get the correct ashes of a deceased due to paperwork errors. The tag numbers matched all the paperwork, and I was relieved. We placed pieces of sweet grass in the urn with the ashes, a Native American tradition, and placed the urn on the nightstand in Sharon’s room. Over the course of the next few weeks, we received condolence cards and prayer offerings from friends and family. My intuition told me I needed to honor my feelings of sadness and grief and indeed experience these feelings, which was so unlike me. Being busy was my usual behavior, and then I wouldn’t have to think about Sharon. When I would embrace and feel this overwhelming sadness, the feelings would seem to dissipate and became a part of me rather than me pushing it away. During the next week, I felt I needed some more answers and did a shamanic practice of rock divination. I had learned this in a workshop and thought I should give it a try once again. Sharon had had a favorite rock she kept in her belongings, and I got it out and began the meditative practice. I asked if I could be shown anything that Sharon wanted me to know. At first in the rock I saw my face with a stick through my head and the thought, “Don’t think with your mind, think with your heart.” On the second side of the rock, I saw a picture of a deer, which is a symbol of healing. On the third and last side of the rock, I saw Sharon’s face and where her

116 ___________________________Carol A. Freeman tracheotomy was, there was an X and the thought came through, “Voice your experience,” and the X turned into a paper and a pen. This was again a confirmation for me that I was to write down my experience and Sharon’s journey and to share it with others. This was the second time I had been shown through shamanic practices that I was to write this story. On March 8, Chief Phil Crazy Bull in Zig Zag, Oregon performed the Lakota Passing Over Ceremony. There were about twenty-five people, family and friends. The ceremony was conducted in the yurt, on the property of Red Wing Lodge. An altar was made on the floor using a Star Quilt, a Native American quilt surrounded by prayer ties I had made and in each corner a picture of Sharon, the first when she was a baby, the second at age nine, a third of the family when Sharon was age sixteen and the fourth picture at age twenty-one, all representing stages in her life. There were four candles in the altar area along with cedar. Phil began the ceremony by speaking about Sharon’s life and about life and death. He said Sharon would be present at this ceremony, and we would all know it because she would come in the rain. It had rained previously that day but was not raining at the time of the ceremony, and it seemed to be clearing about the time the ceremony began. Each person was asked to take some tobacco, pass it though the candle, and place the tobacco in two white cloths, which were being held by Bev and Colleen, two close family friends. These white cloths of tobacco, offerings for Sharon’s passing would later be brought into the sweat lodge to honor her passing and symbolize her presence. The immediate family consisted of Ron and me, Chris, Heidi his wife, and Tammy, Sharon’s cousin. We were seated to the left of the altar. Each individual offered the tobacco in remembrance and said prayers for Sharon’s crossing over. They then offered their condolences to the family. It was at this time that the rain came, and it began to pour. You could hear the rain beating against

As The Eagle Cries___________________________ 117 the yurt. Indeed just as Phil had said, Sharon was present at this ceremony, and he mentioned it again when it started to rain. The family was then brought into the altar area, and Phil opened the urn, took some of the ashes, and gave a pinch to each one of the family members. The urn was brought to the center of the altar with the family members encircling the open urn. Phil then told everyone to surround the family in a circle with their hands on each person’s shoulder. As the Lakota songs were sung there was an overwhelming sense that everyone there was connected and part of this ceremony. Each and every person present felt the support and love of those attending. Following the ceremony Phil conducted a two-round Inipi (sweat lodge) for those people who had never been to an Inipi, followed by the regular four rounds of the traditional sweat lodge. Chris went to all six rounds. Ron and I went to the last four rounds. By the start of the third round, people were beginning to lie down on the ground where it was cooler for a short period of time. Phil told Ron and me that we had suffered enough and could be excused for the last two rounds. We both told him we wanted to stay. I felt that I had been with Sharon though her whole journey and at this ceremony I was not about to leave until it was completed no matter how badly I felt. Phil told us at the start of the third round, which is a healing round to pray hard for whatever we needed (which I think to most people was to survive the sweat lodge), . During that third round, I prayed for physical strength and endurance. By the end of the third round, I did feel better, and I can’t explain how it happened other than for the power of spirit and prayer. Others within the lodge also said after the Inipi was over that they felt much better after the third round.

118 ___________________________Carol A. Freeman

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CHAPTER 10 ACCEPTANCE AND MOVING FORWARD Ron and I met with Sharon’s attorney in April and went over the necessary steps to dissolve the trust that had been set up for her to cover her expenses. We had to make arrangements to close both of her checking accounts, one for the trust and the other for her Social Security Disability. On May 3, 2003, we both went to the bank and closed both accounts. I knew this would be emotional for me, because it was yet another step in accepting the fact that Sharon was indeed no longer with us. I prayed that morning for the strength not to cry at the bank. When we got to the bank, I gave the necessary paperwork and Sharon’s death certificate to the customer service person. Throughout this process, I couldn’t look at my husband and kept biting my lip, because I knew if I did I wouldn’t be able to control my emotions and would break down in tears. Instead, I stared at the bank’s advertisement for their newest checking account and hoped the process of closing the accounts went quickly. When the accounts were closed, we left the bank and when we got to the car, we looked at each other and began to cry. It was yet another emotional closure we had trouble getting through. Hanbleca this year was going to be May 14–18, 2003, and I decided to go again. I had made a commitment for four years in my lifetime, and this would be my third year. I needed another answer from Sharon, and that was where she wanted her ashes spread. There were other questions also, but that was my main concern.

120 ___________________________Carol A. Freeman In the past on Hanbleca I had gotten the answers I needed and was hoping so again this year, although my head was getting in the way again with all the same questions. Why put yourself through this again? Four days and nights alone in the desert without food and very little water. I must be crazy. But then I realized once again the connection I felt with spirit in the past and remembered the overwhelming sense of peace that I received from such an experience. Each experience provided me the answers I desperately sought. On May 12, 2003 Ron, our friend, Maggie, and I boarded the plane to Albuquerque. In addition to asking where Sharon wanted her ashes spread, I needed to know if she was okay. My third question was about a dream I’d had several months previous where I was on a journey sitting on a rug and was taken across the most beautiful clear aquamarine water I had ever seen. In the distance I saw a huge building sitting on the water. It is hard to describe, but the structure somewhat resembled a college campus building. The rug I was sitting on stopped at the entrance to the building, and huge doors opened. White marble surrounded me as I entered the building. It was clean and beautiful. There were classrooms of all white marble, and I sat down with a group of people in a semicircle. There was a nun to my right, and I was told I needed to make a contribution. I was confused as to what contribution I needed to make. My fourth and final question to be answered was, how could I bring my spirituality into my everyday life? When we arrived in Albuquerque, the warm sunshine was inviting, and a sense of peace overwhelmed me. It was as if I were coming home again. I had always liked the desert, but my Hanbleca experiences, as challenging as they were, always provided me the answers to my questions and made me realize and understand more clearly who I truly was and gave me a clarity I had not found

As The Eagle Cries___________________________ 121 anywhere else. The following evening, there was a meeting of the people and supporters who were going on Hanbleca. Chief Phil Crazy Bull gave us his reassurance he would be there with us each day, though we may not see him and advised us to remember that we are there to pray with the Chanupa and our prayers would be answered. Those of us who did not have Chanupas were given them to use for the ceremony. Mine was given to me by Becky and was gifted to the lodge and considered a lodge Chanupa. It was a beautiful Chanupa with an off pink color of alabaster for the bowl and the stem was made of wood. At the evening meeting, we put sage on the backside of the Chanupa and covered it with strips of color in green, blue, yellow, white, black, and red signifying the four directions and blue for above and green for below or earth. At 7 am on May 14, the first day of Hanbleca, we met at the lodge. All of those going on Hanbleca participated in the Inipi sweat lodge ceremony of purification for two rounds and drank our last sip of water. We then left in silence unable to speak to anyone since we were in ceremony. There were several cars that took the supporters and participants to the mountain. The site of the Hanbleca was once again in the Sandia Mountain range in Bear Canyon. Bears, mountain lions, foxes, and other wildlife make their home in the canyon. Once we arrived at Bear Canyon, our supporters went up the mountain first to set up our Hochakas. My supporters this year were Chris and Ron. Chris carried up my backpack, which consisted of my sleeping bag and foam mattress, a change of clothes, raincoat (in case it rained, but it never did), toothbrush, toothpaste, my journal, pen, and other basic essentials. Ron put up my four willow sticks in four corners. The sticks were very thin this year, and I wondered whether they would stand up for very long. Ron untied my prayer ties and on one side put the

122 ___________________________Carol A. Freeman red in the direction of the North, black in the direction of the West, yellow in the direction of the East, and white in the direction of the South. The fifth willow stick was put next to my altar, which consisted of a mound of dirt, and on the fifth willow stick at the top was placed a blue prayer flag and at the bottom a green prayer flag. On the fifth stick I also tied two eagle feathers, which had been gifted to Ron and me by Chief Phil Crazy Bull two years ago. Each person’s Hochaka was exactly the same, except that each person might be facing in a different direction, and this was chosen by the Chief. Phil prayed with each person once their Hochaka was set up starting from the top of the mountain down. When Phil came to my Hochaka, he told me I was a very judgmental person, and it is because I judge myself harshly. He said I should tell people who I am. I told him that when I have dreams about others, I would hesitate to tell them if it involved something bad about them. I asked him if I should tell them. His reply was, “Yes.” He said, “People shouldn’t always be led to believe life is always good. They need to know the bad things as well.” After Phil left, I looked around my Hochaka. I saw a large piece of dead wood. There were blades of grass also dead and brown. The thought came to me, “Dead but still here.” This reminded me of Sharon. The day was warm with some clouds in the sky, and I sat and prayed with my Chanupa most of the day. There was a lizard that appeared, but it soon disappeared when I moved. There were small flies all day buzzing around my head. I noticed the more I put my hand up to push them away, the worse they got. At first they were annoying, and then I thought as they buzzed around my head they sounded like violins, and then it was easier to cope with them. By afternoon the first day, my mind started to wander and my thoughts were, “Why am I doing this? I could be enjoying myself

As The Eagle Cries___________________________ 123 on a vacation.” I then began to pray once again with the Chanupa asking for my mind to be quieted and asking for my spiritual purpose. Just then a large eagle made a noise in the sky and flew in a circle in the sky several times over where I was praying. The eagle is sacred to Native Americans and of great spiritual significance. I no longer thought about why I had come here but instead continued to pray. Late that same day, as I was sitting on my sleeping bag in my Hochaka, out of the corner of my eye I saw what seemed to be a Native American running through the bushes. I looked again in the same direction, and the person was gone. Right after that, again in my peripheral vision I saw a black dog come into the area of my Hochaka. For a brief moment I wondered what a dog was doing there. I looked again, and it was gone. The only thing I could connect this to was that perhaps the native American I saw was indeed a spirit and the black dog was a dog we’d had for eighteen years and had died three years previous. By now the sun began to set and I climbed into my sleeping bag. This was the end of day one of my Hanbleca, and I lay down and went to sleep. Day two of Hanbleca began with raindrops falling on my face, a welcome relief with hopes of enough rain to quench my tremendous thirst. But as soon as I arranged my tarp over me and arranged my abalone shell I had brought which could catch water, the rain stopped. I uncovered myself from under my tarp, and there were a few drops of water, which I quickly tried to put to my lips, but I was disappointed, and the thirst returned quickly. A few drops of rain came again, but it was like someone teasing you with something you could not have. I got up out of my sleeping bag, took my Chanupa, and began to pray. I prayed that I might come to understand where Sharon wanted her ashes spread and asked if she was okay. I also prayed that I might be able to bring my spiritual beliefs into my daily life and have balance in my life. The message quickly came that I didn’t need to be as busy as I was

124 ___________________________Carol A. Freeman and that I just needed to do nothing, to sit on my bench, which was in the backyard of our home in a garden area. I needed to look around and quiet myself. Also, the thought came that I shouldn’t limit myself but instead try new things. All of a sudden the wind picked up and became very strong. My willow sticks blew violently in the wind, and I thought they would break. Two of them fell over, and I tried to secure them firmly with rocks. One of my yellow prayer flags blew into the rocks outside of my Hochaka. Several times I put the willow sticks back up, and each time they blew down. Each time I fixed one thing, something else would blow down. Next, the top cover of my sleeping bag blew off. Finally after several unsuccessful attempts, I sat on the rock outside my Hochaka exhausted and gave up trying. The thought came, “You do not have control,” and I was wasting a lot of time and energy trying to control things. The thought also came to me that I had no control over what happened to Sharon. That afternoon as I laid on my sleeping bag, I saw several visions in the sky. I saw Sharon come out of a large door and walk toward me. Alongside the path where she was walking were several other figures. I knew she was in a heavenly realm surrounded by other spiritual beings. As I looked at this vision, I felt very peaceful and knew she was okay. I saw her again, but this time she was a very large figure coming down toward a person lying down which I felt was myself. I knew she was around me, and I felt safe and peaceful. The wind lasted all day, and by the position of the sun I guessed it was about four o’clock. A very strong wind picked up, and the trees around my Hochaka blew much like winds in a hurricane. Earlier in the day, I had prayed for the ability to bring my spirituality into my daily life. As I watched the wind blow the trees violently, the thought came to me, “When everything around you is crazy and chaotic and you

As The Eagle Cries___________________________ 125 can remain at peace, you have brought your own spirituality into the world.” Another thought came to me also, “Everyone has a story. It is like a script you are playing. You are not who you think you are and neither was Sharon. Write and publish her story.” Thursday night was very cold and windy. I put on two fleece coats, fleece pants and hat and climbed into my sleeping bag. I began to have chills that lasted for some time and wondered why this would be happening with as much warm clothing as I had on. This eventually passed, and I went to sleep. Early Friday morning, day three, I awoke and turned over on my left side. Suddenly I experienced severe chest pain. I lay perfectly still hoping this would pass. The pain in my chest was so severe, I wondered if I could have been having a heart attack. As I lay perfectly still the thought came to me, “What better way to get your attention.” After what seemed like about an hour, I saw in the tree to the left of my Hochaka a scene taking shape. I saw a priest in a confessional and to the right of him a person talking through a small boxlike screen. The person who was talking to the priest had a stick right through his or her head. The message was immediate, “You need to forgive yourself. Stop thinking with your head. Be happy.” I had tried to push this aside for many months, but what was being told to me was entirely true. I had been in the medical profession for thirty-five years, and if I was completely honest with myself, I did feel guilty about Sharon’s death. I felt I should have advised her to get a complete physical and a CAT scan, but I relied on the doctors she was seeing and trusted in their judgment as to what was best for her. I also recalled a dream I’d had the night before where I was in Tempe, Arizona, at a swim park that Sharon and Chris had gone to on occasion. I also saw someone dirt bike racing. As I thought

126 ___________________________Carol A. Freeman about this dream Friday, I got the thought, “Sharon doesn’t really care where her ashes are spread, but you need to spread them wherever it brings you peace. Sharon liked Arizona…for the good times.” Other thoughts continued to come to me that morning. “She is okay.” One by one, my prayers were being answered. Again, more thoughts came, “She is gone, but not forgotten. She will come again.” “Be not afraid, I go before you always. Come follow me.” In the same tree where I had first seen the vision of the priest and confessional, I now saw a turtle and the message was, “Go slowly through life.” Another vision came in the same tree of a child and a piano and the thought about helping children through a music program. Then another vision of a person in the tree pointing to the sky. I looked up at the sky and saw nothing, and then all of a sudden, there was trail from a plane, but the plane looked like a cross ascending high into the sky and the words came, “I’m OK.” All of a sudden, a song burst into my head and one I had not heard for a long time, “Please love me forever. Don’t stop thinking of me ever. Please remember me.” I sat quietly trying to comprehend what had come to me. I remembered my Hanbleca the year before when a vision came to me of Sharon’s spirit coming out of the center of a Phoenix bird. I realized that we needed to spread the ashes in Phoenix. Since her accident, I had a bad feeling about Phoenix and didn’t ever want to go back there, but as I sat there I realized Sharon lived most of her life in Phoenix and liked Phoenix. She died in Phoenix. Her spirit left her body in Phoenix, but her body died in Portland, Oregon. I knew I needed to make peace with Phoenix. It had been our home for nineteen years, our kids had grown up there, and we’d had a lot of good times. My prayers and reasons for going to this Hanbleca had been answered. I knew in my heart she was okay. I now knew where her ashes needed to be spread. However, I still needed to work on bringing my spiritual beliefs into my daily life.

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Friday afternoon, the third day of Hanbleca, was very hot. I tried to sit in different locations to be sheltered somewhat from the sun, but ultimately as the sun moved, I was left with no shade. As I tried desperately to find even a small amount of shade, the thought came to me: “Sometimes you need to stay in a situation for a period of time. Do the best you can with whatever you have and try and take one minute at a time.” I finally decided to try and lie down on my sleeping bag, since my back was aching, and I sheltered my face with a hat I had brought. The sleeping bag was hot as I lay on it, but it was the best I could think to do. I watched the position of the sun and wondered if I could survive this, since it didn’t seem to move at all as the intense heat beat down upon me. Finally after what seemed like hours, I looked at the tree in front of my Hochaka, and there was a little bit of shade. I sat up and tried to position myself so I had some shade. I took my Chanupa and prayed with it for the strength to survive. I looked at the Chanupa and asked if it had anything to tell me. The bowl part of the Chanupa was made out of a pink alabaster, and as I focused my attention on it, a picture appeared. It was the face of a woman who was suffering and in pain. Out from this face came a thin figure-like spirit with her hair on top of her head, and I knew it was Sharon, since she always wore her hair that way. As the spirit came out of the face of the woman, the words came to me, “She is free, be happy.” The picture on the bowl of the Chanupa began to change. I saw myself sitting down and holding a fish, and to the left of me was a tree. I saw Sharon peeking out from behind the tree, and next to her was a clock that read six o’clock. I tried to figure out what this was telling me and realized it was Friday, and that would account for the fish I was holding. Growing up in a Catholic family, we always had fish on Fridays. I felt that Sharon was nearby watching me, but what was the six o’clock meaning? I thought perhaps it meant she would come again in a vision around six o’clock; at least that was

128 ___________________________Carol A. Freeman what I was hoping for. I thought I would probably stay the evening and leave the next morning, which would be the fourth day. I felt I could probably make it though the night, though with my back aching and as weak as I felt, I wasn’t sure. Another thought came to me that I always tended to push my body. I needed to recognize when to quit, and I needed to know my limitations. Just then to the left of me I saw a red shirt, and Chief Phil Crazy Bull came up the path. He was a welcome sight, and he had brought some water. I told him of my vision and that I was thinking of going down, but because of what I had seen in the bowl of the Chanupa I felt I should stay. He assured me that he thought the six o’clock time was Sharon letting me know he would be there, and indeed it was around six o’clock when he came up. He assured me I could go down and that Sharon would be in the Inipi ceremony that evening. I asked him if I could wait for him to come back and go down with him, but he said it would be a while, since he had to give water to all the other people on the mountain. With his assurance I decided to go down, but felt uneasy not knowing the way. He told me the way to go, and I asked him if I wasn’t down at the bottom of the mountain when he got there, to please look for me remembering the first year I had gone to Hanbleca and had gotten lost coming off the mountain. He agreed, and I closed up my Hochaka. I tried to put things away in my backpack as much as I could. I tied my white set of prayer ties to the willow, so the entire area was closed up. I took my Chanupa with me and headed down the path. I hoped I was going in the right direction and prayed as I took each step. “Tunkashila Ompa Wa.” I didn’t know where the words came from, but I repeated them each step down the trail. My hands were shaky, and I felt weak, exhausted, and prayed I would make it down okay. I followed the path, but it started to take me away from what I thought was the right direction and more into the canyon. I felt I was going in the wrong direction. I trusted my prayers and continued on the same path. It circled around and

As The Eagle Cries___________________________ 129 eventually led me on a path I felt familiar with. I could now see the house below and a car. I knew I would be all right. I looked up from the path and saw Ron’s car coming down the top of the hill to the area below where I was. He opened the door of the car, and I got in. My back was aching so bad, I couldn’t sit still. He gave me some water and that seemed to help the pain in my back. The more water I drank, I realized it wasn’t my back at all but my kidneys that were bothering me. We waited in the car thinking there may be other people needing to come down after Phil went up with the water to talk to each one of them. As I looked around, I could see visions all around me. I could see faces of people in the trees, in the sage bushes, in the sandy areas of the mountain. No matter where I looked, I could see these visions. The first year this occurred it was a scary experience for me, but I now realized it was a connection I had made to the spirit world. One hour passed, and we saw Phil coming down the mountain with three other women. Ron drove all four of us back to the lodge, and we were immediately taken into the sweat lodge as we could not speak to anyone until we had completed the last two rounds of the Inipi ceremony. As I sat in the sweat lodge with the other women, I started to see several other visions. I looked around and noticed to my left a woman all in white in the sweat lodge leaning up against the back of the lodge, someone I had not seen before, and I realized she was a spirit. There were visions of people on the side of the lodge and on the rug in the lodge. I looked toward the entrance of the lodge, and there was a tiny figure about twelve inches high, something I had never seen before. One of the supporters stuck his head in and asked if the other women were okay, and I realized he didn’t see this twelve-inch little man at the entrance to the lodge, because he walked right over him. At this point I realized not everyone was seeing what I was seeing. Outside the lodge was another vision, a scene with someone in a bed and a

130 ___________________________Carol A. Freeman woman attending to this person. I knew there must be a message in it, but I was too overwhelmed to think about it. Phil came back to the sweat lodge area and began the last two rounds for the people who had come off the mountain that day. After the ceremony, we were able to eat some fruit and drink more water. From previous years, I realized that the water and food would start to ground me in this reality and the constant barrage of visions would cease slowly. I asked Phil about the visions I was seeing and people I didn’t recognize. He told me, “They are your ancestors and have something to tell you.” I asked about the little people I saw, since this was the first time I had seem them, and he told me, “They are the healers.” That evening I took a warm shower. It was a welcome relief after three days. The water felt wonderful upon my skin, as did shampooing my hair and brushing my teeth. Before falling asleep the words of the song I heard on Hanbleca kept coming to me, “Please love me forever. Don’t forget me ever. Please don’t stop loving me.” I knew it must be yet another message from Sharon. I fell asleep and slept soundly for the first time in three days. The next day was the fourth day of Hanbleca. Ron got up at six o’clock in the morning and headed out to the mountain in case anyone else came down. I got up around nine o’clock, and again I heard the song, “Please love me forever. Don’t forget me ever. Please don’t stop loving me.” I looked up at the ceiling in the hotel room and the same song kept being repeated to me. There was a strong emotional feeling that came through, and I believe it was from Sharon. Ron called me about eleven o’clock and said he was headed back and asked if I wanted to have any lunch. Chris was also at the hotel, so we all went to lunch, and after lunch Chris went back to the sweat lodge area to work. Ron and I headed back to the mountain. The base of the mountain is where I wanted to be that day. I could still see some visions but not as much as the day before, and I

As The Eagle Cries___________________________ 131 felt peaceful and centered just being there. Late in the afternoon, another one of the Hanbleca participants came off the hill, and he was taken back to the lodge. Ron and I stayed until 7 pm. As the sun began to set, we headed back to the sweat lodge, and when we got there, they had just begun the Inipi ceremony. Chris was learning how to attend to the rocks and put them in the sweat lodge for each round. Robert, one of the Native American elders, was instructing him on how to do this in the traditional way. We stayed outside and listened to the ceremony. At ten o’clock we headed back to the hotel to try and get some sleep before having to get up the next morning at six to meet at the mountain to bring down the rest of the Hanbleca participants who were still on the mountain. It was 7 am when all the supporters and participants who had come down earlier were at the base of the mountain. The supporters left in a single line following each other up the mountain to get the rest of the people and to bring down their camping gear. One by one each person came down, and you could see in their eyes a transformation-like appearance. They had experienced what few people do, a connection with spirit. Something that words cannot accurately express. A disconnection with our reality and a clarity and knowing that there exists beyond this reality the spirit world with which we all have a connection if we but quiet ourselves and search out the answers. As each person came off the mountain with the supporters, they were driven back to the sweat lodge to complete the last two rounds of the Inipi ceremony and Hanbleca. Once in the sweat lodge, each person if they desired talked about their unique experience. Once the Inipi was completed, each person came out of the sweat lodge and were greeted by the rest of the community.

132 ___________________________Carol A. Freeman Everyone then enjoyed the Whopila, a celebration of food and community that follows each Inipi. The people who had been on the mountain then sat down with their supporters in a circle and all smoked their Chanupas. People exchanged gifts with each other and their supporters along with Phil Crazy Bull who was presented gifts by the participants. It was twelve noon when all the festivities ended, and we returned to the hotel. I tried to take a nap but was unable to fall asleep, anxious to tell Ron and Chris about what had happened. The time passed quickly, it was around five o’clock, and we had to get ready to go to dinner. After having not eaten for three days, I found it difficult to eat anything except pasta and some salad. I knew from previous experiences my appetite would return, but it was best not to eat too much the first few days after coming off the mountain. Water was one of the only things I really wanted. Not having food was something easier to do than not having water. We returned from supper and started to do some packing since our flight left early the next morning. Monday, May 19, we were up around seven o’clock, packed our suitcases, and headed to the airport. We stopped to eat something before boarding our flight and met two of our friends who had also been to Hanbleca and shared some of our experiences. Chris was headed back to Austin where he lived. We said our good-byes and headed toward our gate. I was sorry to leave the Southwest because of the experiences I’d had but anxious also to get home to my own bed and comfortable surroundings. I had arranged to take another week off from work, and from previous experiences knew it took me about a week to come back fully to my everyday reality. Ron and I had had made plans to go the Oregon coast for a few days, and on Thursday May 22, we headed toward the coast. It took about an hour and half to get there, and along the way there was a bookstore on the Grande Ronde Indian Reservation, and we

As The Eagle Cries___________________________ 133 decided to stop. It was a used bookstore, and as I wandered the aisles, a book by James Van Pragh caught my eye. It was entitled Reaching to Heaven. I decided to purchase the book, and we got back in the car. I had brought two books with me intending to read them, but once at the coast, I picked up the book by James Van Pragh. It was a book about where spirits go after death, about guilt and forgiveness. It was about the spirits who have died and their message to those they have left behind. The words “Be happy” kept being repeated to me as I read this book. As I continued to read, the thoughts came again to me that I needed to forgive myself and that Sharon was indeed happy. I remembered my second year of Hanbleca when the vision I received from Sharon told me “There should be no guilt.” How could this book written by a gentleman who communicates with spirits be telling me the same thing I had heard on Hanbleca a few days before. I felt I had communicated with the spirits also and received the same message from my loving daughter. I now realized I was suppose to read this book. and it was no coincidence that we stopped at that bookstore along the way. I also came to realize that my Hanbleca experience was not just something that lasted four days, but an ongoing experience.

134 ___________________________Carol A. Freeman

As The Eagle Cries___________________________ 135

CHAPTER 11 THE PHOENIX BIRD November 27, 2003, eleven months after Sharon’s death, Ron and I flew to Phoenix to spread Sharon’s ashes. It was Thanksgiving Day. We decided to make it a celebration of her life. Chris and Heidi were now living in Las Vegas and were going to meet us in Phoenix. We met Chris and Heidi at the hotel Thanksgiving evening and had dinner with them. The next day we all ate breakfast at a nearby restaurant and traveled a few miles to the mountain area where we had decided to spread Sharon’s ashes. We hiked up the mountain and found a quiet area off the designated path where there was a rock formation. We each had some ashes to spread. Heidi had the ashes of one of our dogs, Kaci, Chris had the ashes of his dog, Scruffy, a dog he grew up with who was his best friend. Chris, Ron, and I each had some of Sharon’s ashes. We each found a place we found peaceful and right for us, and we spread the ashes. After spreading Sharon’s ashes, we spent a few minutes in prayer. Ron and I went down the mountain on foot while Heidi and Chris went farther up the mountain to spread Scruffy’s ashes. When we got to the bottom of the mountain, Ron took out a camera we had brought with us to take pictures of the area. He informed me the camera would not work, and he couldn’t take any pictures. The thought came to me immediately that Sharon did not want us to take any pictures and this was a special place for us and was to be our experience only. When I looked up at the area where I had

136 ___________________________Carol A. Freeman spread the ashes I could see the face of a woman on the rock and to the left of the area a gentleman figure in another rock formation. I felt this was indeed the right thing to do, and it was a very peaceful and spiritual experience. We had kept some of Sharon’s ashes at home in Oregon with the intention to spread the rest of her ashes on the Oregon coast. The information I received at Hanbleca was that we should spread the ashes where we would find peace. Besides making peace with Phoenix, I would be honoring the vision I received of Sharon on my second Hanbleca in which she appeared to me coming out of the center of a Phoenix bird. We had a lot to be thankful for on Thanksgiving Day. We were thankful for a daughter who was given to us for a brief period of time and who gave us the greatest gift, the realization of life after death and an awareness of our connection to all things, the most important of which is spirit. That day we also traveled to Sedona, had dinner in a nice, small Mexican restaurant, and spent the night at a nearby hotel with a view of the red rocks. One month passed, and it was now December 2003. Ron and I both reconsidered our decision about spreading the rest of Sharon’s ashes on the Oregon Coast. We both felt they should all be spread in Phoenix. In January we received a wedding invitation. One of Sharon’s friends was getting married in the Phoenix area. We accepted the invitation. On February 11, 2004 at 12:30 pm, we arrived at the airport. I checked the departure screen and found there was an earlier flight leaving for Phoenix at 1:30 and our plane wasn’t leaving until 4 pm. We were able to secure seats on the earlier flight. I felt it odd that this flight had not appeared on the scheduled flights on the Internet when I reserved our tickets. When we boarded the flight, I noticed a young girl across the aisle

As The Eagle Cries___________________________ 137 from me. She was very attractive and was studying what seemed to be a textbook. There was something familiar about this girl, and her profile looked just like Sharon. She wore her hair up on the top of her head tied with a rubber band and wore a sweatshirt much like Sharon’s. After two and a half hours, we arrived in Phoenix, stopped briefly for a bite to eat, and headed straight to the hotel. We were very exhausted and decided to go to bed early. It was 5:15 am by the clock next to the bed when I awoke the next morning and was unable to go back to sleep. Eventually I dozed off and found myself out of my body floating out the window of the hotel up toward the sky. I’d had this experience a few times before, so it did not frighten me. The sun had not come up yet. It was just before dawn. I wanted to fly up higher in the sky and immediately was able to do so. Next I was on a very busy street with lots of people walking on the sidewalk much like New York City. I was weaving my way in and out of the people, and no one could see me, but I could see everyone. Next, I was back in the hotel room. All of a sudden, someone behind me swung me around, and I came face to face with Sharon. She was dressed in a lime green top and shorts to match and had on sunglasses. When she swung me around, we both landed on the bed, and she put the sunglasses down on her nose so she could glance over the top of them. I hugged her, and we were both very happy. Then I saw the word “Gifts” and a remembrance garden area we dedicated to Sharon in our backyard in Oregon and the words “Thank you.” The next thing I remember, I woke up fully aware I was back in my body. It was now 7:30 am, and I got up and started to write down this experience. I looked at the wall in the hotel, and a vision appeared of the face of woman with a tear coming out of her eye and a smaller figure behind her. The message came to me, “I do not want you to be sad. It is time for the sadness to be over, Mom. I am always with you. That is why you had this experience, to show you what it is like. I can indeed see you, so I don’t miss you. You have the harder part. Blessed are those who

138 ___________________________Carol A. Freeman believe and do not see for theirs is the kingdom of heaven on earth. I will always love you. Now go spread the ashes and be happy. I’m home. The process is finished. Go in peace.” I wrote down all I heard knowing this was truly a remarkable experience Sharon had shared with me. That day Ron and I spread the rest of Sharon’s ashes in the same mountainous area of Phoenix. The following day, we attended Sharon’s friend’s wedding and returned home the day after. Two months passed, and I realized I needed to finish my commitment of four years to the Hanbleca ceremony which had been such an important part of my life. One of my reasons for this Hanbleca was to ask what my life’s purpose was and what did I come to learn this lifetime. I also wanted to pray, so that I might see Sharon face-to-face. I had seen her in dreams and journeys, but I wanted to be able to see her spirit and talk to her. On April 30, 2004, Ron and I traveled once again to Albuquerque for Hanbleca. This was my fourth and last year. Chris who was living in Las Vegas traveled to Albuquerque and decided to go up the mountain this year as well, and it was his second year. Ron, this year as he had done in the past, would take the role of the person who would stay at the base of the mountain and give people that came down from the mountain a ride back to the sweat lodge area, which was a forty-minute drive. On Sunday, May 2, 2004, seventeen of us climbed the mountain into Bear Canyon. I carried my Chanupa up the hill as I had done for the previous three years. As we climbed the hill, Chief Phil Crazy Bull was in front of us leading us up the hill. He crossed over a stream of water coming down the mountain. He announced to everyone to take some water as they passed over the stream, and it would be our last drink for four days. Ron set up my Hochaka, and

As The Eagle Cries___________________________ 139 after he left, I sat down on my sleeping bag and began to pray with the Chanupa. The bowl of the Chanupa kept separating from the stem and was continually falling apart. The thought came to me, “Sometimes you can’t fix things that are broken. Sometimes you just have to accept it.” I have always thought I could fix situations, but this was very good advice. Late in the afternoon, it began to get chilly, and I put on my thermal underwear under my skirt and blouse and looked at the rocks directly in front of my Hochaka. A vision began to appear. There was an older Native American gentleman lying on his left side on the ground. Next to him was a child, and I could see what looked like tricycle pedals up in the air, and it looked like the child had fallen off the tricycle. The gentleman was giving what looked like a plant to the child. Behind the gentleman and looking away from both of them was a woman. The thought came to me, “Native American men must learn to nurture their children.” Not knowing what this meant for me, I just wrote it in my journal. By the position of the sun in the western sky and the cool breeze I thought I should put on my warmer clothes and get in my sleeping bag. It wouldn’t be long before it was sunset and darkness would descend upon the canyon. I thought a few hours had passed, and I could now see the moon high in the sky to the right of my Hochaka. It was cold that evening, though I was comfortable with my fleece pants, coat, and fleece hat. I was glad I had thought to bring warm wool socks. I turned to my left side, and in the bushes on a hill, I began to see a vision of a group of eight children. They were happy and seemed to be playing. I began to think about the Sundance, another Lakota ceremony that was held each year in Arizona that honored the children, those who have passed to the spirit world and those still present here on earth. I felt an unexplainable urging to attend this ceremony. I then fell asleep and woke up when the moon was high in the sky and to the left of my Hochaka. I assumed

140 ___________________________Carol A. Freeman it was close to dawn. It was still quite cold when light appeared in the Eastern sky. The sun had not yet risen above the mountains. It was interesting to watch the sun rise ever so slowly above the mountains. Soon sunshine began to appear in the canyon. It was now day two. The warm sunshine was slowly entering my Hochaka, and I decided it was time to take off all of the clothing that had kept me so warm all night long. It took me a while to take off all of the clothing. I had very little energy to do just simple tasks. I was very thirsty as the sun beat down on my Hochaka and began to think about how important water is and how little I seemed to appreciate it each day until I had none. I continued to pray with my Chanupa about my life’s purpose. I got up and ventured out of my Hochaka to a large rock and carried my Chanupa. It was a peaceful area overlooking the canyon below, and in the distance I could see the city of Albuquerque. I sat there a few moments and heard the words, “Go back in your Hochaka.” I felt comfortable where I was and didn’t want to go back as directed. Again, but this time more adamantly came the words, “Go back in your Hochaka.” Reluctantly I left the rock and went back to sit in my Hochaka. My family history flashed through my mind and those individuals who had experienced the disease of alcoholism. I realized how judgmental I had become. Just then the black prayer flag, which is for the prayers of others, fell from one of the willow sticks on which it had been tied. I heard the words, “When others fall, you need to pick them up and show compassion.” I looked to the left of my Hochaka where there was the sound of gravel moving as if someone was coming up the mountain toward me. I reached for my Chanupa and was fearful not knowing who it was or if it was an animal. It stopped. I then heard what sounded like footsteps behind the Hochaka and beyond the bushes on the path. No one appeared. The word “Fear” came to me. Just then a spider appeared on one of my willow sticks. Hesitantly, I got up and inspected it

As The Eagle Cries___________________________ 141 hoping it was not a black widow spider. To the right of my Hochaka I saw a huge black beetle going out of my Hochaka headed up a hill. The thoughts came, ”Fear is prohibiting you from moving forward.” Pictures flashed before me of everything I had been and was still fearful of. As a child I was fearful of bugs. I was fearful on occasion when I would be driving on the highway especially at night. The thoughts again came that Sharon would not appear to me unless I was no longer fearful. She did not want to frighten me. She had tried it before in dreams, and I had become fearful. I felt disappointed that Sharon would probably not appear but also realized what I was being told was entirely correct. From the position of the sun above me I guessed it was about 12 noon. I sat up and looked once again at the rock formations in front of my Hochaka. A vision started to form. I saw a very large black woman, dressed in what appeared to be an old Red Cross nursing uniform. She was walking toward people seated in front of her. There was an unshaven man with a blanket around him and the words came, “Less fortunate, homeless.” I saw a large figure of a person whose head was turned to the right and the rest of the body was turned to the left. I heard the words, “Disjointed, fragmented lives.” To the left of this scene there appeared another vision. There was a young woman, though she looked like Sharon I could not be sure it was. She was caring for a baby in a crib, and to the left of her there was another person caring for two individuals who seemed to be sick. The mouth of one of these individuals appeared to be opened and non-responsive. I heard the words, “Administer to the sick and dying.” I picked up my journal and began to write all of this down. Late in the afternoon. I lay down on my sleeping bag within my Hochaka and closed my eyes. I saw a motion picture of a person wheeling someone in a wheelchair down a hallway and around a corner. I also began to reflect back on the past six months before Hanbleca and how many people I had met who were sick

142 ___________________________Carol A. Freeman and dying. Once again I looked at the rock formation, and I saw myself lying down and Sharon watching over me. I knew she was close by. The sun was beginning to set when I felt I needed to do a visualization exercise. I lay on my sleeping bag and pictured the word “Grief ” pouring out of my body and being placed just outside my Hochaka. It appeared outside the Hochaka as a pile of sand. Next I pictured the word “Sorrow” and placed it outside my Hochaka. The last word was “Loss” and again in the same manner, it came out of my body, and I placed it outside the Hochaka. When I finished this exercise, I pictured three piles of sand outside my Hochaka, and I no longer felt like I was carrying those with me. The second night, the moon was full, and I stayed awake most of the night hoping Sharon would appear, so that I could speak to her. As hard as I tried I could not create this vision for myself. Frequently in the past I would doubt what I saw and felt perhaps I was creating this somehow in my mind. The thoughts came to me, “You can’t make it happen.” This was something I was not capable of creating but something given to me at a specific time and for a specific purpose. I dozed off for a brief period and awoke to see the most beautiful Native American design on a large rock to the right of my Hochaka. It looked like a gray blanket with black designs and white diamonds. It looked like a Native American blanket had been placed over the rock. A second, much smaller rock in the same area was covered with the same design. Within this rock there appeared the face of a Native American woman with dark black hair falling gently in front of her shoulders. It was the White Buffalo Calf Woman. I had seen her once before, at the time of my second Hanbleca when she had helped Sharon pass over into

As The Eagle Cries___________________________ 143 the spirit world. She spoke to me saying, “Remember the people; remember these ways.” It was such an emotional message, I began to cry. I lay there for a few moments and then heard Sharon say, “All I ask of you is to remember me as loving you.” Light was beginning to appear in the canyon. It was now dawn on the third day. I had my vision, my prayers were answered, and I headed down the mountain. I waited at the base of the mountain with another gentleman who had come down. I could hear Ron’s car approaching on the gravel road leading down to the base of the mountain. Ron told us it was about 7 am, and he was surprised to find us waiting for him. He drove us back to the lodge, so we could begin our last two rounds of the Inipi. As I waited for Chief Phil Crazy Bull in the house next to the lodge, I still continued to see visions of children. Within a few hours Phil arrived and I completed the last two rounds of the Inipi along with the other gentleman and Chris, my son, who had also had his vision and had come down. Chris recounted his vision. Sharon had come to him in words. Though he did not see her, he could hear her. He spent two hours talking to her about various issues in his life. The fourth day, I got up early and went back with Ron to the base of the mountain. I continued to see visions when I looked at the mountain. I saw a figure of a very large Native American woman. I knew I was in the presence of something more powerful than one could accurately describe. The people still on that mountain were being watched over and cared for in a very powerful spiritual way. The next day was Thursday, day five, and we arrived at the base of the mountain at 7 am to help the other vision questers down from the mountain. One by one they came down, and the supporters carried their sleeping bags and essentials they had brought with them. After the last two rounds of the Inipi, everyone

144 ___________________________Carol A. Freeman was instructed to smoke the tobacco in their Chanupa and to put their prayer ties, flags, and willow sticks into the fire. One by one we did as instructed. Whopila followed the ceremony with food and gift giving. By noon the festivities were over. Chief Phil Crazy Bull asked me to see him at his home that afternoon, so that he could present me with a Chanupa. After your fourth year of Hanbleca you are gifted with a Chanupa. Ron, Chris, and I arrived at his home around 2 pm. When he gave me the Chanupa, he told me that he had one in mind to give me but was told by Sharon what specific Chanupa to give me. She told him it was a Chanupa she could come through to me. I didn’t realize exactly what he meant until he gave me the Chanupa. It was the Chanupa I had used the second year of Hanbleca when Sharon came through very clearly with several messages, the most important of which was that she said good-bye and that she loved us. On Friday, May 7, 2004, we boarded the plane to Portland. I felt I had left my grief, sorrow, and loss on the mountain and had a sense of needing to move forward now. On Sunday, June 6, I was reading the newspaper. I was looking at the classified section under Dogs and came across what I thought was an interesting combination, a poodle terrier mix. We had always loved terriers but didn’t know much about poodles. We decided to call, and the gentleman on the other end of the phone was cordial and informative about the dog. Ron and I decided to meet and look at the puppy. We met at a store in Troutdale near the rehabilitation center where Sharon had been. The man brought three puppies with him. Two were terrier poodle mixes, and the other was a Schnitzu. We picked the black poodle terrier who seemed to be more social than the other two and took her home. We named her Cheyenne. Cheyenne brought joy and laughter back into our house. She loved to play with her toys, sit on my lap, and lick my face. She was a very

As The Eagle Cries___________________________ 145 social animal who provided us with unconditional love. I thought back about my second Hanbleca experience and Sharon telling me, “A little baby is coming.” At the time I thought it was a grandchild, but I now know it was Cheyenne she was taking about. From the moment we got her we have called her affectionately “baby” and she only weighed two pounds.

146 ___________________________Carol A. Freeman

As The Eagle Cries___________________________ 147

CHAPTER 12 A NEW BEGINNING I was not aware that after suffering the death of a loved one and being under a great deal of stress for a prolonged period of time that your health can begin to suffer. I was not prepared for this. June 25, 2005 was a Saturday. I was driving my car headed for my massage appointment with Maggie, a friend of mine. She saw clients at her home, and as I turned the corner onto her street I felt I needed to make a wide turn into her driveway. The next thing I remember my foot was on the gas pedal, and I had driven into her garage and side of her house. I was in shock, the car was still running, and the keys were stuck in the ignition, and I couldn’t get them out. I panicked and reached for my cell phone to call Ron. He answered the phone, and I told him to come quickly, I’d had an accident. Maggie came running out of her house and asked if I was okay. I got out of the car, the alarm from the car ringing in my ears. Dazed and confused I walked into her house. Maggie asked once again if I was okay, and except for some stiffness and soreness I felt okay. I burst into tears and kept looking at the front of the car, now in Maggie’s garage and the side of her house split away from the garage as if a tornado had just come through. Ron arrived within minutes. After seeing the amount of damage, he came in the front door of Maggie’s house very distraught and wondering if I was okay. I burst into tears again and kept saying, “I don’t know what happened.” Once he realized I was okay, he

148 ___________________________Carol A. Freeman immediately took charge, called a tow truck, and was able to get the keys out of the ignition. He called the insurance company and started the necessary paperwork to get the damage and car repaired. The following Monday, I went to see the doctor. I was instructed to wear a holter monitor for seventy-two hours to record my heart rhythm in addition to other tests. I also saw a neurologist and had a CAT scan and an electroencephalogram. All tests were normal with the exception that at times I was having an irregular heart rhythm. Two weeks later. I started experiencing pains in my stomach. and I could hardly stand up and was advised to see a gastroenterologist to undergo a procedure called an endoscopy. At the time of the endoscopy, an erosive area at the junction of the esophagus and stomach was found, and I was prescribed medication and was told it would probably take six to eight weeks to heal. Over the next several weeks, I felt physically and mentally exhausted from all the tests, procedures, and medication in addition to being depressed. I thought to myself with everything I had been through over the last six years, why me? Was my life ever going to get better? It was then I realized that the mind, body, and spirit are all connected. I had read this somewhere, but I was now experiencing it first-hand. Bev, my friend, called and suggested that perhaps I needed to call Deborah, the woman Ron and I had seen when Sharon was in a coma and who had helped us through that time in our lives. Deborah had moved to Hawaii, but I still had her e-mail address. I e-mailed Deborah and waited for her reply. Within three days, she replied and told me she could arrange for a session over the phone the following Saturday at eleven o’clock in the morning.

As The Eagle Cries___________________________ 149 Sharply at 11 am, Saturday morning, July 9, I called. The session lasted two hours. Deborah is a very gifted spiritual individual, and I trusted the information and visions she was receiving on my behalf. I explained my situation and my fears. Deborah spoke in a soft deliberate way, stating that the information she was receiving was that in a previous lifetime I did indeed have an auto accident which had left me unable to speak and disabled. I had brought the memory of that accident into this lifetime, so that it might be resolved, and so that I was able to live through it and resolve that issue this lifetime. She explained that what we fear we can draw to us both good and bad, and we create our own reality. She also went on to say that this also had to do with Sharon’s death and that when Sharon left she exited on an energetic level through my heart and there was an energetic hole in my heart. She emphasized this was not a physical hole but on an energetic level. I felt this to be true. Indeed there was a hole in my heart. You never “get over” losing a child. You learn to live with the experience. Deborah went on to say that acupuncture would help and that seeing a naturopathic physician would help. I took her advice, made an appointment with an acupuncturist, and with a naturopathic physician. I also had a complete physical exam. All the tests were normal, and so I decided to begin to take better care of myself and to change my lifestyle. I began to eat a healthy diet, exercise, and with the help of the naturopath started to take natural medicines along with regular acupuncture treatments. After a few months, I was feeling better. It has now been four years since Sharon’s passing. Ron and I have moved to Las Vegas closer to Chris and Heidi. We love the Southwest and the climate it provides. It reminds us of how much we enjoyed Phoenix when we lived there. I begin each day praying with my Chanupa and on occasion will burn sage. I ask

150 ___________________________Carol A. Freeman for good health, direction and guidance in my life and express my appreciation for the spiritual gifts I have been given. I have also decided to become a Hospice volunteer to try and give back to those people who helped me at a very difficult time in my life. I appreciate life and those around me and always finish a conversation with “I love you” to those special people in my life. Life is looking good for the first time in eight years.

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EPILOGUE Chief Phil Crazy Bull died on January 18, 2006. Ron and I attended the ceremonies held in Albuquerque. We shall always be grateful to him for his teachings and compassion. He continues to live in the minds and hearts of the people whose lives he touched.

152 ___________________________Carol A. Freeman

ABOUT THE AUTHOR Carol Freeman is a wife, mother, and professional who has worked in the medical field for over thirty-five years. She grew up in New England in an Irish Catholic family. She lived in Arizona for eighteen years where she first met a Navajo woman and was intrigued by the teachings of the Native Americans. She now lives in Nevada where she continues her studies of indigenous people.