Again

Again | Mary Calmes 2

Chapter One I

WAS lying on the floor in my living room when the door

opened and Pete walked in. I knew it was him because I recognized the hiking boots next to my face. “You made no sense on the phone.” This news did not surprise me. I was more than a little distraught. “Tell me exactly what happened,” he ordered. I didn‟t lift my head off the hardwood floor. “I went to meet Dante at the baggage claim at LAX, and he was kissing her.” “Who?” “Cassandra.” “His partner.” “Yeah.” “Are you kidding?” “Does it look like I‟m kidding?” I asked him. As I was lying on the floor in the middle of my apartment, I was hoping he‟d get it. “Shit.” I let out a long sigh. I was a mess. “And?” “And what?” “And what did he say when you confronted him?”

Again | Mary Calmes 3 I snorted. “He said they‟d been in love for a while; he just could never figure out the best time to tell me.” He sounded like he was going to hyperventilate. I tilted my head back so I could see him. “Pete?” “Jesus, Noah.” He was taking the betrayal almost worse than I was. “Sit down,” I told him because he was making me nervous, “and put your head between your legs before you pass out. Take shallow breaths.” “Oh God,” he gagged. As I watched him flop down on my green burlap couch and put his head between his legs, I smiled for the first time in three days. Leave it to my friend to out-diva me. He was much more dramatic than I would ever be. “You alright?” I asked him after a few minutes of listening to him breathe. “When should he have told you? When should he…. I‟ll tell you when fuckin‟ Dante Cerreto should have told you— maybe right before you drained your life savings to have his sperm put inside your sister so you two could have a baby together!” he roared angrily, the bitterness there in his voice. “I didn‟t tell him.” “What?” he shouted at me after a minute or so delay. “Sit up and look at me. Goddamnit!” I moved just enough for what I was doing to be called sitting. It was more of a slouch. “What part didn‟t you tell him?” “Any of it.”

Again | Mary Calmes 4 “You didn‟t tell Dante that your sister agreed to carry his child so the two of you could have a baby? That‟s the part you didn‟t tell him?” “That would be it.” “Oh my God, Noah!” “I didn‟t have time,” I defended myself. “Did I mention the kissing?” “But it‟s done,” he gasped. “Sarah‟s pregnant and now… Did you show him the sonogram pictures? Did he see his daughter?” “No.” “No?” he yelled at me. “No.” He just stared at me. “What?” “Noah.” He sounded pained and exasperated all that the same time. “Holy shit! Do you know what you‟ve just done? I mean, right now I hate the man, but I can‟t hate him completely because he doesn‟t even know what he really lost!” “Pete—” “He‟s out you and your kid and—” “Take a deep—” “Noah, it‟s not fair! You haven‟t given the man all the facts!” “Why are you defending him?” “I‟m not defending him but he needs to know!” “Stop yelling.”

Again | Mary Calmes 5 “Noah!” he yelled again. “Did I mention the kissing?” There was a long moment of silence where he took a deep breath and basically tried to calm down enough to carry on a conversation. “Okay, so lemme get this straight—you haven‟t seen the son of a bitch in six months while he‟s been undercover doing God knows what with God knows who, and today, the day he‟s supposed to come home… today he tells you that he‟s in love with someone else?” “Well, technically showed me first then told me, but yeah.” “Noah!” he barked. “You couldn‟t say anything to him?” “No.” “So what, he loves someone else?” “Right.” “And that someone is who again? Cassandra?” “Yep.” “That is his partner, right? She‟s a CIA agent too?” I grunted. He made a noise in the back of his throat that sounded phlegmy. “Don‟t sound so disgusted.” “Why the hell not?” I had no idea what I was even saying; my whole world had just turned upside down. “This is such bullshit,” he groaned.

Again | Mary Calmes 6 “It makes sense, I guess. I mean, he spends more time with her than anyone else. I‟m sure it‟s the natural progression of things.” “Noah!” I groaned loudly. “He‟s gay!” “Apparently, he‟s bi.” “Since when?” “Since Cassandra.” “Oh God.” He sounded like he was going to throw up. “Take shallow breaths,” I suggested for what felt like the tenth time. “It‟s nice to see you‟re fine with all of this.” “Yep,” I muttered, slumping to the floor in a puddle. “So this is your plan, then? Curl up and die?” “Yep.” “Okay,” he muttered, and I heard the couch creak with his weight being lifted up off of it. “So he has no idea that Sarah agreed and you‟re both gonna be fathers?” We had gone together to see our doctor a year ago when the idea of a surrogate had first occurred to me. I told Dante that if my sister Sarah agreed that it would be her egg, standing in for me, and his sperm, and together we would have a child. “He knew I was talking to Sarah, but he doesn‟t know she said yes. The only reason I told you was because if I didn‟t tell someone I was gonna go—” “Sure.” He looked hurt. “Aww, for crissakes, Pete, I can‟t deal with you falling apart too. I told you because I love you and because you‟re

Again | Mary Calmes 7 my best friend and not because you‟re just anybody so don‟t—” “I know—I know,” he cut me off, hands up, silencing me with the quiet he had called for. “I‟m sorry.” I took a breath. “Okay.” “So what, he really has no idea?” “Nope.” “You‟re sure?” “Positive.” “Why didn‟t you get word to him?” “How?” I asked pointedly. “Oh, that‟s right.” “When he‟s working, you know I can‟t just pick up the phone and call him.” “It‟s all that CIA bullshit.” “Yeah.” “God, Noah, I‟m… I don‟t know what to say.” “Me neither.” I laughed, sounding a little unhinged. “You should have told him when you saw him.” “Why?” “Because it‟s the right thing to do and because he deserves to know and because he might stay if you told him.” “You‟re rambling.” I grinned. “How many times did you just say because?” “Don‟t count my words, listen to them.” “Uh-huh.” “Noah, go find him and tell him and get him back.” “He loves her; I don‟t want him.”

Again | Mary Calmes 8 “You want him. You‟ve always wanted him.” I knew that. I was lying to myself to think anything different. “You glow when he‟s around. Even after four years, you still glow.” “And now I won‟t.” “The holidays are coming.” I lifted my head up to see his face. “What does that have to do with anything?” His eyebrows rose, and just for a moment I smiled. “I just don‟t want you to commit suicide or something.” His voice was both gentle and caressing. “Can‟t,” I moaned. “I‟m gonna be a father. I can‟t actually even follow through on my plan to lie here until I die. I will eventually have to get up.” “When?” “Who knows?” He nodded. “Okay. You wanna move into the apartment under me and Rick? I own it, as you know. I‟ll rent it to ya dirt cheap until you get the money together to buy it,” he promised me. “It‟s got two bedrooms and that‟s all ya need, one for you and one for the baby.” “That sounds like a good idea,” I agreed, my cheek back on the floor, pressed to the cold wood. “And that way whenever you need help, we‟ll be there.” I had such amazing friends; it was too bad I had terrible taste in men. “I love you guys, you know?” “Yes, I know, darling, and we love you back.” I flipped him off for the darling.

Again | Mary Calmes 9 “Okay, I‟ll be back in an hour with Rick.” “I‟ll be here.” When he shut the door behind him, I closed my eyes again. Pete made me get up and eat something when he returned with Rick Baylor, the love of his life, just as promised, an hour later. As soon as they left, I went back to the floor. My friend Moe, short for Maureen, came with her husband Phillip the following day. They both sat on the floor with me as I told them about the baby. “If I see him on the street, he‟s a fuckin‟ dead man,” Phillip swore. They were strong words from a CPA. Maureen cried and held my hand, and after a while it was hard to tell which of us got dumped. They ordered pizza and we had shakes to wash it down. My older brother Luke flew in from Denver just to check on me, which was a complete surprise. He wasn‟t as concerned about me being on the floor as everyone else was. The man had grown up with me and knew I wasn‟t the suicidal type. He told me he knew I had to work through stuff and to call him when I wanted to visit. He promised to send me a ticket. I told him I was dumped, not homeless and penniless. “Just lemme do something nice for you, asshole.” I had rolled my eyes, but after he gave me the guy clench, I agreed. Before he left he set up the TV on its side so I could watch without moving. It was very considerate. Finally, I decided I had to actually attempt to tell Dante about the baby. It was, as Pete had said over and over, the right thing to do.

Again | Mary Calmes 10 It turned out that his cell phone number was no longer in service. Since our providers were not the same, I had no way to check the status of his account. I went to the bank, got into our safety deposit box, and called all the emergency numbers in his address book. I reached only different voice mails within the bureau. I drove to Dante‟s parents‟ home in Sonoma, but found that it had been put up for sale. There were no signs of life. I remembered them saying they were thinking of moving—scary that everything in my life had changed all at once. I was hurt that they had left without even a goodbye to me, as I had always thought we were close. Funny how nothing had been like I thought. When I drove to the family winery, there was a new name out front that I didn‟t recognize, that having been sold as well. No one at the office had ever heard of the Cerretos beyond the fact that that they were the previous owners. Pete was upset that I had no closure, that I had no contact with anyone. Even my letter to Dante‟s office in Virginia came back as nondeliverable by FedEx. It was like he vanished. I finally called his boss, Agent Mitchell Beck, which I had been told never to do, and was told that Dante had been transferred after his last assignment. Beck thought maybe he was abroad working on a task force. A month later I got a letter from Paris with dissolution papers in it. He had signed everything over to me: the house, the car, and all our assets. All he wanted was his freedom. I returned everything in the enclosed envelope, including, much to Pete‟s shock and outrage, my platinum wedding ring. It had meant something when we exchanged vows in Toronto; it didn‟t mean anything anymore. If Dante wanted to wash his hands of me, I would do the same. By that time

Again | Mary Calmes 11 even Pete agreed that sharing my good news was futile. I walked around in a daze for the following two weeks. My boss, Vincent Carmichael, came and got me out of bed and out of the house at the beginning of the third week. It was enough already; I was going to be a father and mother all rolled into one. I was about to be somebody else‟s whole world. It was time to snap out of the funk. I was dressed and at the office the following morning. I could not say no to the man as he had actually made a trip to my house. I had never worried that he would fire me—I had been the first person he hired when he opened his business five years before—but I felt bad that I was taking advantage of his good will. “You never treat anyone bad, Noah,” he told me. “But I need you back at work. No one gets me like you do. It‟s why you‟re my right-hand man.” And it turned out that working, being back outside, doing the landscaping that I had done all my life, helped to clear my head. Over the weekend I signed a lease with Pete for the apartment downstairs from him, and my friends moved me out of my old life and into my new one. I got a good offer on the house, and my pregnant sister Sarah moved in with me. She and I together created a nursery that was baby enough to be cute but didn‟t make me go into sugar shock every time I walked into the room. When she caught me eyeballing the clown that our Aunt Janice had sent for the baby shower four months later, she burst into laughter. “What?” “God, Noah.” She exhaled deeply, caressing her swollen abdomen. “I wish I was gonna be your kid.”

Again | Mary Calmes 12 The shower had been fun, a coed party instead of the by-the-book type of all-girl get-together. Now, after gorging on fried food, pink cupcakes and ice cream, playing dumb games and opening gifts, my sister was exhausted, and so was I. She was sprawled out on the couch, her feet propped up as I finished cleaning and kept tabs on Pennywise. “Woman, your hormones are whacked out,” I told her. “No.” Her voice was soft. “You, Noah Wheeler, are a very good man and your daughter is very lucky.” I smiled at her. “Just because the clown freaks me out?” “No, because you have always wanted kids, and even though Dante walked away, you saw your chance and never once had a doubt.” “And what about you? When my angel is born, are you sure that you‟re gonna be able to give her to me? She‟s half yours, ya know?” She shook her head. “I‟m just filling in for you, love. If I were gay, I would expect you to do this same thing for me.” “Carrying a baby for nine months and filling a cup is not exactly the same thing, Sarah Belle.” Her smile was wistful and rare. “It is to me.” She was luminous at that moment, until her brows furrowed and she made a face like she‟d taken a bite of a lemon. “Okay, the clown has to go.” “Yeah,” I agreed. “It‟ll kill us in our sleep.” “Oh God.” She giggled. “Get it out of here!” I kept looking over my shoulder at it in the back seat the following morning as I drove it and some other things to Goodwill. I was sure I saw it move.

Again | Mary Calmes 13 That night, as I had dinner with my sister, laughing, talking about how we would both survive the impending visit from our parents, I realized that nine months after Dante Cerreto had walked out of my life, I was still alive. I never would have thought it was possible, but the most important person in my life had actually not even been born yet. “You‟re gonna be okay,” Sarah told me. And I was. Everything was finished and ready for the baby. I had gotten on with living. Sarah‟s water broke in the middle of the night, and when she freaked out, I became her rock. I had no idea I even had it in me. But I held her hand and talked her through the C-section that came eight hours after the doctor tried to turn my stubborn breech baby for the first three. My dear sweet sister, who had wanted everything to be natural during the awe-inspiring miracle that was childbirth, ended up begging everyone in the room, including me, for lots and lots of drugs. She wanted nothing to do with the mindnumbing pain. I wanted them to give her some extra something, but after the first dose, she was a happy bunny again instead of a harpy from hell. When my daughter finally made her appearance, she was beautiful and perfect, and I named her Grace after my grandmother, whom I missed so much. Having lost her to breast cancer a decade ago, I prayed that night that I would always be there for my own baby. I put Dante‟s name on her birth certificate because it was the right thing to do, even though I didn‟t give her his last name. Sarah signed over all her parental rights to me, the adoption legal and binding, and my little girl, Grace Anita Wheeler, was going home with her Daddy. I loved her more than I thought it was possible to

Again | Mary Calmes 14 love another human being, and my pain over Dante finally began to wane. Compared to her, no one even came close. My parents, who had started out concerned over the choices I was making, left two weeks later certain that I actually knew what I had gotten myself into. Sarah left a month after them, ready to begin her adventure in the Peace Corps. She was excited to start her life, her dream. She was happy for me, loved Gracie, but wanted nothing to do with babies or parenting. Watching her walk away from me in the airport terminal was bittersweet. I would miss her even as I was looking forward to being alone with my baby. “I will be the best father I can be, sweetheart,” I told the love of my life. I was certain she winked at me.

Again | Mary Calmes 15

Chapter Two SHE turned and looked up at me. “I don‟t get it.” I looked down at my five-year-old daughter and smiled. She was really trying to wrap her mind around it. “What don‟t you get?” “Why does Aunt Chelsea want to marry that old man?” “He‟s not that old, love.” She looked at me like I‟d lost my mind. “He has white hair, Dad.” “And so does your grandpa.” “I know.” She smiled big. “So see, he‟s old.” I chuckled and led her through the entryway of Caesar‟s Palace. I had explained premature graying to her ten times by then, and she just didn‟t understand. Old was old and young was young, and if that didn‟t make sense then what did? We were on our way to the fitting for her dress, which my friend from college, Chelsea Dawson, soon to be Chelsea Pruitt, had bought. I hoped to God it was tasteful. Chelsea, who loved to be called Aunt Chelsea by my kid, could be slightly eccentric. I looked down at Gracie, and when I looked up, a man plowed right into me. “Oh my God!” he almost shouted. “I‟m so—” I looked up and found myself suddenly faced with familiar cobalt blue eyes. They weren‟t the exact color that would have given me heart palpitations, but they were close.

Again | Mary Calmes 16 “Noah?” Claudio Cerreto, Dante‟s younger brother. Jesus. “Hey,” I greeted him with forced cheerfulness. “Noah,” he breathed out, his eyes looking me over as he grabbed my arms. “Holy shit… Noah Wheeler?” God. “I… oh, hey, Claud.” I gave him a faint smile, using the shortened version of his name. “How are you?” We both stood there staring for what seemed like forever before I felt the tug on my arm. I tore my eyes from his and looked down at my child. “Daddy, who‟s that man?” She pointed, holding her hand close to her body. It was funny, her finger going up and down like he wouldn‟t be able to tell that she was pointing at him. She had been taught that it was bad manners and so was trying hard to observe my edict. “Well.” I took a breath. “That‟s one of your old man‟s friends,” I told her, kneeling down to her level. “And his name is Claudio.” “That‟s a weird name.” “It‟s not weird; it‟s just not a name that you‟ve heard before.” “If you say so.” He knelt down to look at her, and I saw first the recognition and then the awe wash across his features. He panned slowly to me. “She has his eyes.” I nodded. “She does, you‟re right.” “My God, she‟s so beautiful,” he gushed, reaching for Grace.

Again | Mary Calmes 17 I put up my hand to stop him as I stood back up. “Don‟t. She doesn‟t like to hug people unless she knows them,” I told him, looking at my daughter, seeing her discomfort. “Oh, okay, I‟m sorry, sweetheart,” he apologized. She smiled timidly and I squeezed her hand. “It‟s okay, monkey.” “So you live here now?” he asked as he stood up, not taking his eyes off Grace. “No, we‟re just here for a wedding. I still live in Santa Monica. You?” “In Vegas? In the heat?” he asked like I was crazy. “No, I‟m here with the family. I‟m buying some real estate out by the lake, and everyone decided that it was time we took a vacation and saw each other.” I chuckled. “There‟s a lake in Vegas?” “Well, sure, about twenty miles out.” “Huh, who knew?” “So, how long‟s it been?” “God, I dunno, let‟s think; Gracie‟s five so, what, almost six years?” I grinned at him. “Yeah.” “Yes,” Gracie corrected him automatically. “Oh.” He smiled big at her. “I meant to say yes. I‟m sorry.” “It‟s okay.” She nodded, smiling at him. “But Nana says that you should always say yes, never yeah.” He looked at me, and I saw how utterly charmed he was by my cute kid.

Again | Mary Calmes 18 “Dad.” She whined my name, wrinkling up her nose before she scratched it. “We gotta go. Auntie Chelsea said I could ride in the boat at the hotel after we try on the dumb dress. Hurry up and end.” I chuckled and Claudio looked, again, enchanted. “I never knew. Does he know?” “Who?” “Dante.” I shook my head. “No.” “How did—” “My sister.” He nodded. “She‟s gorgeous; I see both of you in her.” “Thank you. Those eyes of hers, though… that‟s all Cerreto,” I teased him. “Yes,” he grunted, so obviously charmed, before he locked his eyes with mine. “Why didn‟t you let him know?” “I tried,” I assured him. “But it was like you all disappeared.” “We did for a while.” “Well, there ya go.” He let out a quick breath. “But that makes no sense. He would have—” “It makes perfect sense, Claud. I‟m sure he and Cassandra have a lot of kids.” “What?” He looked so confused. “What‟re you talk—” “Not that it‟s my business,” I cut him off, smiling brightly. “Noah—”

Again | Mary Calmes 19 “Let‟s not do this.” I nodded and then leaned in quickly and kissed his cheek. His was a warm family that expected affection between men. His extended family, which I had loved, too, the Cerreto and Eramo clans, hugged and kissed each other like crazy. I had missed that for Grace as she was growing up, but there had been nothing to be done. “It was great to see you; give my best to your folks.” “Noah—” I smiled at him. “See ya.” I turned and led my girl toward the shops. The dress wasn‟t horrible, even though Grace stood there in it like she was being sentenced to death. Even the seamstress, who was performing last-minute alterations, lost it and started laughing when she started to gag. “You look like a cute little button-nosed lemon meringue pie,” I teased her. “Dad!” she cried, and I couldn‟t help but laugh too. I was feeling so good, exhilarated from my encounter with Claudio. I had dreaded the day that I would run into one of the Cerreto clan, and I had handled it with poise and class and breezed through it without a ripple of pain. I was just bursting with power. I told Grace that we needed some retail reward since we actually had time before we were supposed to meet Chelsea for the promised gondola ride. “Barbie!” she whooped. I took her immediately to the closest toy store and bought her yet another doll. We got accessories, hooker heels as well as scuba gear, and a very classy, non-sparkly evening gown. She picked more shoes and then Jack Sparrow from Pirates of the Caribbean to take her out on a date.

Again | Mary Calmes 20 “Barbie dates pirates?” I asked my girl, wondering what was wrong with Ken, who looked very nice and nonthreatening in his plastic box. “What‟s wrong with him?” “Ken‟s boring.” “He has very sensible-looking clothes.” She sneered at me. “Ken looks stable,” I waxed on. The look I got, like I was confused, was adorable. “Since when does Barbie date Jack?” “He knows where the buried treasure is.” Hence the scuba gear. I was the one playing catch-up and I apologized. “It‟s okay, Dad,” she patronized me, big cobalt eyes smiling, patting my hand like I was infirm. “Maybe he needs scuba gear too.” Of course he did. What I needed was a new dress shirt for the night out bar-hopping, and she helped me pick one. “Really?” I asked her, holding up the shiny crimson short-sleeved number she was insisting on. “Jack would wear it.” “Jack‟s a pirate,” I reminded her. “So what?” It hardly mattered. I bought it because I was floating on air. I was still half laughing as we were walking through the jewelry department looking for a locket for Chelsea. I had promised her one for the wedding as her “something new” and had yet to follow through on my pledge. “Dad-Dad, look at this one. I like it.”

Again | Mary Calmes 21 “I just bet you do.” I grinned at her. The diamondencrusted locket was just my daughter‟s taste, gaudy and big. “You know that‟s, like, four million dollars, right?” “What‟s a million?” “I‟ll tell you later.” “Daddy?” “Yes, monkey?” “How come I call Aunt Chelsea my aunt but she‟s not your sister like Aunt Sarah?” She was always working things out and asking for clarification. It was just one of the thousand reasons I loved her. “Because Aunt Chelsea is one of Daddy‟s oldest and dearest friends. Don‟t you want her to be your aunt?” “Yes, but really only Auntie Sarah is, right?” “Right,” I assured her. “Chelsea‟s like your adopted aunt.” “Okay.” She just had to get it straight in her head whenever a question came up. “Daddy?” “Yes?” “That lady‟s waving at me.” I straightened up from the case and looked around. I spotted her because, as my daughter had said, she was waving. Renata Cerreto crossed the floor to us very fast, her husband Enzo following behind her. “Oh.” I took a breath and put my hands on Grace‟s small shoulders. “Hold on, baby.”

Again | Mary Calmes 22 “Noah,” Renata cooed, taking the final steps to us. She kissed my cheek and then knelt immediately down in front of Gracie. “Cara mia,” she cried, the tears spilling down her cheeks as she grabbed my daughter and pulled her into her arms. I opened my mouth to say something, but Grace was patting the older woman‟s back and telling her not to cry. I had such a loving girl; her first instinct was to offer comfort. Dante‟s father, taller than me, sturdier, his shoulders, as always, wider than mine, yanked me into his arms and crushed me against him. He kissed my cheek, hard and wet, and I smiled as I hugged him back. He‟d always liked me and the feeling had been mutual. “Papa,” I said gently, rubbing his back. “Figlio… mio,” he whispered into my hair. He smelled good, that mixture of pipe tobacco and his aftershave. I pulled slowly away before he, too, knelt in front of my daughter. He spoke fast to her, smiling, and she shook his hand and nodded when he asked her if I was her father. I stood there and watched my daughter hold court. She showed them her Barbie and all the clothes, explained about her Aunt Chelsea marrying an old man and how she was going on a boat ride at the hotel. They were mesmerized, and I saw Claudio come rushing over to join us. “Big mouth,” I accused him. He shrugged and smiled wide. Grace greeted him by name, and he let out a deep breath and went down on one knee in front of her. She started from the beginning and got out the Barbie stuff all over again.

Again | Mary Calmes 23 “Noah.” I turned, and there, without fanfare or announcement, was Dante Cerreto. He was in an Armani suit, looking as stunning as he had the last time I‟d seen him. The thick jetblack hair was short on the back and sides, long on top; the cobalt eyes striking under thick brows and framed with long, curling lashes. His chiseled features, straight nose, and full lips had always rendered the man breathtaking. Nothing had changed. The first time I ever saw him I had nearly swallowed my tongue, amazed when he had crossed the club to ask me to dance. But the man had always maintained that as soon as I had walked in the door, he had made sure he got to me first. I told him that dark-brown hair and eyes were nothing special. He had always disagreed. Dante stepped in close to me, and, as always, I had to tilt my head back to look up at his face. “Hey.” I could barely breathe; speaking was tough. “Noah,” he breathed out my name. I stared into his dark indigo eyes, almost black now as he looked back at me, and I noted how beautiful they were and how perfectly they matched Grace‟s. “Dante.” He didn‟t move, just stood there and soaked me in, and I did the same. Ridiculous to think that my heart wouldn‟t hurt and that I wouldn‟t tremble just a little with him in front of me. “You look good,” he told me, and I saw his jaw clench. “You too.” “Noah,” he repeated, and I heard the catch in his voice. “How are you?”

Again | Mary Calmes 24 “I—I‟m….” He trailed off before he, too, knelt in front of Grace. “Hey, sweetie,” he said, his voice ragged as he swallowed hard. I saw his eyes get soft like he was going to cry. “Hi,” she replied. She smiled and reached out and pulled a piece of thread off his black jacket. “I got this off for you.” “Thank you.” He had to clear his throat before taking it from her. “You‟re a big help.” She nodded like she did when she wasn‟t sure what to say, leaning against me, her arm going around the back of my legs. “Who are you?” “You don‟t know me?” She shook her head. “You‟ve never seen a picture of me?” He glanced sideways up at me. “No.” “Really?” “No, I promise.” “No, no,” he murmured, smiling at her. “I believe you. You know you have beautiful eyes.” “Thank you.” She smiled warmly back, opening them up big for him. “I‟m the only one in my family with blue eyes.” “No, you‟re not,” he assured her, looking up at me, his own eyes hard. “Yes, I am,” she disagreed with him. “I wish my eyes were brown like Daddy‟s, but Keith says that me and Daddy both have pretty eyes. He says he can‟t pick.” “Keith sounds like a smart man.”

Again | Mary Calmes 25 “He‟s coming today; we have to pick him up at the airport.” He nodded, still smiling at her. She reached for his collar, fixing it, touching him like she never touched anyone right away. It was unnerving for me to watch. “I like gray,” she told him. “It‟s like rain.” “I like gray too.” She put a hand on his shoulder as she looked into his face. “Your eyes are like mine.” “Yes.” “Your hair is black like mine too.” He cleared his throat. “I see that. How old are you, Grace?” “Gracie,” she corrected him. “Everybody calls me Gracie.” “Gracie,” he repeated. “How old are you?” “Five.” “Five,” he repeated with a nod, rising to look deeply into my eyes. “Five.” “Yes, five,” she repeated. “I swear.” “Don‟t swear,” I told her automatically. “Promise.” “That‟s right.” She nodded. “Gracie, I‟m just gonna talk to your Daddy right over here, all right?” “‟Kay,” she agreed and smiled at him. He grabbed my arm and moved me just a few feet away before whirling me around to face him. “Talk fast, Noah.” “What? Why?”

Again | Mary Calmes 26 “Why?” He was stunned. “Yeah, why?” “She‟s mine.” His voice was hard, edged with anger. I shook my head. “She‟s not.” “Okay, lemme clarify. She‟s my daughter.” “Of course.” “Of course,” he repeated, and I knew he was on the brink of exploding. “Are you kidding me? Are you actually standing here in front of me saying of course? Was I ever going to know?” “I don‟t think so, no.” “No?” He was dumbfounded, and I could tell how overwhelmed he was as the color drained from his face. “Not unless I saw you,” I confessed honestly. “Dante, I did everything I could think of to get word to you after you left me.” “You knew the day at the airport,” he whispered, absolutely ashen. “Sarah agreed. Was she already pregnant?” “Yeah, I came with sonogram pictures for you.” He looked around and saw the bench by the door. I followed him a few more feet away as he sat down hard. The face lifted to me was hard to read because there was so much chasing across his sharp features—pain, shock, anger, fear, and most of all loss. He looked like he‟d been told someone was dead. “Sarah was pregnant?” “Yes.” “That day you—you had pictures?”

Again | Mary Calmes 27 “Yes.” “But then why when Beck sent word to you did—” “What?” “You wrote that you didn‟t think I should retire and that you were tired of living how we were and… you told him to keep me away from you.” “I sent you a lot of letters and they all came back. I couldn‟t get you on the phone; you didn‟t return any of my emails or—” “Beck came to see you.” “No.” “No?” “No. Never.” “Never?” His voice was rising. “You‟re sure?” “I think I would remember that.” “But you told him—” “I spoke to the man once, Dante. He said you‟d been transferred abroad.” “You told him you wanted me gone, said you were sick of living without me.” I shook my head. “I told this to Beck? I said these things to a man who—only when you were planning on retiring—did you even tell about us? I told this to a man who could have endangered your career…. Are you listening to yourself?” “He said you changed your mind.” “I don‟t know what we‟re talking about right now, but I would have lived underwater to be with you.” He just stared at me.

Again | Mary Calmes 28 “You knew that.” He nodded slowly. “I did know that.” “So, see, you just wanted out.” His eyes swallowed me. “No.” I shrugged. “I don‟t know what to tell you.” “I got a letter from you telling me that it was over.” “A letter?” I scoffed. I was suddenly furious at myself for getting sucked into the conversation. It was water under the bridge, six years too late. “I only wish I could have gotten a letter to you, and by the way, you ended it when you told me you were in love with Cassandra.” “What?” He was so rattled; he was holding his hands up like he was fending me off and his eyes were wild. “What?” “Cassandra.” I chuckled because it was getting silly now. “You remember, the woman you left me for.” “What?” he asked again sharply. “Cassandra,” I repeated, smiling. “I got to the baggage claim, and you were kissing her. Is this ringing any bells?” “No, that was just—” “It made sense. Straight men become gay so the reverse must be true in some cases. It wasn‟t such a leap, ya know? The part that killed me was the timing. I mean, you dumped me at the airport.” I squinted at him. “You ended us right there, right then.” “No, no, no,” he told me, rising up off the bench to his towering height. “Beck sent word beforehand that it was just for—” “You don‟t have to explain,” I assured him. “It‟s so long ago that it‟s like another life.”

Again | Mary Calmes 29 “Wait, no, Noah,” he pleaded, grabbing my arms quickly, holding tight. “It was all for—” “I‟m sorry you didn‟t know about Gracie,” I apologized to him. “I really did try and get word to you, though. And your name is on her birth certificate.” “It is?” He was breathless. “Of course it is,” I told him quietly. “She‟s your child, Dante.” “Mine.” “Well, not yours so much as your gift to me,” I finished, stepping free of his hands. “Why did you send the dissolution papers?” “You sent them to me,” I clarified for him. “They came from Paris, where you were with Cassandra.” “You sent me your ring.” His voice was flat and cold. “You didn‟t want me. Why did I need it?” He was lost in thought, and I used that moment to return to my daughter. I took her hand. “Well, it was good to see everybody, but we‟re late for Aunt Chelsea‟s boat ride.” “No,” Dante yelled sharply, striding over to us. He looked from me to Gracie and back again to me. “I need to get everything from you: phone numbers, your address, email and… whatever else there is.” “Why?” I asked skeptically. “Why?” he asked like the question was the stupidest one he had ever heard. “Oh.” It hit me because it was obvious. My kid had just gotten the warmest welcome ever, and I was being totally oblivious. “Your folks. I‟m sorry; I wasn‟t even thinking.”

Again | Mary Calmes 30 “My folks,” he repeated. “No. I want to talk to—” “Keith!” Gracie squealed excitedly, twisting her hand free of mine, interrupting everything. We all turned and there, in the lobby of the hotel, was the man who wanted to move our casual dating to a commitment. He wanted to be my boyfriend. And he was standing there, frozen, waiting, looking at everyone, his eyes riveted on Grace and Dante. But she‟d seen him, too, and run to him, and everyone heard her call. “Keith-Keith-Keith!” She zigzagged around people, and I saw them all make the awww face as the little girl ran to a man she so obviously adored. He bent when she reached him and drew her up fast against him. She wrapped her arms around his neck and kissed his cheek. He kissed her back and talked to her as they joined us. “Who is this man?” Renata asked coolly, walking up to stand beside Dante. “He‟s a friend of mine.” “Just a friend?” Dante asked icily. As though he had any right in the world to question me at all. “Yes.” “You don‟t live with him.” Dante was making sure. “Oh for crissakes.” I flared irritably, so done with being there and talking to him and his family. “I need to go.” Renata looked pained. “This is Grace‟s father?” “No,” I assured her.

Again | Mary Calmes 31 “No,” Dante seconded. “She‟s mine, Mom, just look at her.” “Yes.” She nodded, tears welling up in her eyes, reaching for my hand and squeezing it tight. “You will let me see her?” “Of course.” I smiled at her as Keith and Grace joined me. Renata‟s hands went to my face. “Thank you, Noah. I had no idea I had a grandchild.” And I was sorry about that. My parents had a five-year head start on her. “I tried to get in touch with Dante.” She nodded. “I have no doubt, angel.” “Lemme give you my number,” I soothed her. “I‟ll get it,” Dante told her. “We‟ll figure it out.” I saw that my daughter had her arm around Keith‟s neck, content now that she was at eye level with everyone. “What‟re you doing here?” I asked, smiling at him. “I thought Gracie and I were picking you up at the airport.” “I couldn‟t wait.” He smiled back. “I had to see my two favorite people in the world.” And at that moment, I wanted more than anything for the feeling to be mutual. He was such a nice man, so genuine, and he absolutely thought the world of my daughter, which was a temptation all by itself. People who loved her, saw her for the amazing person she was now and would surely grow up to be, they went to the head of the line. “Who‟s this?” he demanded quietly, his eyes going to Dante, the only threat he could see. His tone was icy and low.

Again | Mary Calmes 32 “Who am I?” Dante asked sharply. “We have the same eyes,” Grace told Keith, pointing at Dante. “Do you?” Keith asked, pushing when he shouldn‟t have. “Yes, we do.” My ex smiled at his daughter, but those eyes of his he shared with her were cold when they fell on Keith. I knew it was going to be bad, so I slipped my hand around Keith‟s arm and told Dante that we were staying at the Venetian. “Give me a call, and we can talk some more, all right? We‟re here through the weekend,” I informed him, deliberately softening my voice. “The name on the room is Wheeler when you call.” “I remember Wheeler,” he snapped at me, the chill clear in his voice. “I remember.” “Good.” I smiled and then said my goodbyes to his family. Renata and Enzo waved to Grace as we turned away, and I saw Claudio‟s eyes fill. I didn‟t look at Dante again. Keith and I walked in silence back to the Venetian and dropped Gracie off with Chelsea for the gondola ride with less than ten minutes to spare. Back in the room, he closed the door behind me before he erupted with a roar. “What the fuck is he doing here, Noah?” He knew who Dante was, there could be no doubt; the resemblance between my ex and his daughter was striking. And Keith knew my story, knew the circumstances of Grace‟s birth.

Again | Mary Calmes 33 “I assure you I have no clue.” I shook my head, crossing the room to the bed and flopping down on the end of it. “Holy shit, that was surreal.” “Surreal? That‟s all you have to say?” I looked up into his face. “Yeah, I think so.” I laughed because his expression was just dumbstruck. “Surreal pretty much sums it all up. It was fuckin‟ weird as shit.” “Weird?” “Yeah.” “And?” “And what?” His turn to smile. “And that‟s it? No pangs?” “Pangs of what?” “Love, idiot.” “Nice.” I chuckled. “C‟mon, Noah, just—” “No, not love, just surprise,” I said, hoping that was true. I was still processing the encounter; I wasn‟t sure what I had felt, but I couldn‟t still love him. Surely that emotion had not been in the mix. “I‟ll bet.” “And the way he looked at Gracie….” I let out a deep breath. “That‟s to be expected.” I had told him that he would never have to worry about meeting Dante Cerreto. Ever. Turned out I had lied. “Noah?” I patted the spot on the bed beside me.

Again | Mary Calmes 34 “You‟re not freaked out?” “Maybe a little,” I confessed as he sat down next to me so that we were shoulder to shoulder. God, Dante Cerreto, what were the odds? “If he tries to take her—” “Oh, Keith, he won‟t.” I shook my head, interrupting him. “He was never like that, and now, with so much time passed, he—” “You‟re sure?” “Positive.” “But how can you really know?” And while there were, in fact, things that I didn‟t know about my ex, some things I knew as truth. He would not try and take my child from me; he was simply not made like that. “People change, Noah, and his name is on her birth certificate.” He played devil‟s advocate for me. “Stop worrying, you should be more concerned about your lack of will power in the face of a five-year-old girl.” “What‟re you talking about?” “Well, I understand that a certain person in this room excused her from eating her carrots the other day after her father specifically told her to eat them because they were, and I quote, „gross‟.” He grunted, smiling. “She‟s turning in to such a little narc.” “I can‟t believe you caved.” “They were some sad-lookin‟ carrots.”

Again | Mary Calmes 35 “Keith Everett Brand.” I snickered, getting up to settle myself on his lap, facing him. “How am I ever going to believe anything you say if—” “But I wouldn‟t have eaten them.” “Not the point.” I was grinning and leaned close to kiss the side of his neck. “Wait, am I being punished?” He teased me, shifting under me, hands on my thighs, yanking me closer. “‟Cause I gotta tell you that having you in my lap is pretty much a reward for me any day of the week.” I grinned at him as he twisted around and threw me down on the bed. His big, hard body came down on top of me, pinning me under him. I put my hands on his face and beamed up at him. “God, you have the most beautiful eyes,” he told me, staring. “Yeah?” I fished, liking the compliments that he always meant. “Yeah.” His voice was a throaty whisper. “They‟re like chocolate.” “And you like chocolate.” “It‟s my favorite.” “Smooth talker.” I kissed his chin, my hands digging into his back. “Jesus, Noah,” he grunted, shifting between my thighs, leaning to kiss me. Watching him respond to me was always a treat. I took his breath away. “Have you thought about it any more?”

Again | Mary Calmes 36 “What?” I asked, sliding my hands through the thick, dark-blond hair, noticing for the millionth time what a good face the man had—warm, the laugh lines around his eyes deep and kind. We had met at a work site. He was doing a walk-through of a house he had just completed building; I was looking at the dirt lot, trying to figure out what kind of landscaping would be best. I was standing alone, and then suddenly he was there at my side, asking me if I remembered him from a party six months earlier at the home of a mutual friend. I didn‟t remember him, but it turned out that he remembered me. And he wanted to take me out. I had no reason to refuse the tall blond man. He was handsome, charming, and had gorgeous eyes that glowed deep emerald green when he looked at me. When he arrived to pick me up and fell in love with Grace, talking to her about school, ending up making her an origami swan out of newspaper, I had no choice but to open up my heart to him. At the end of the night, when he pressed me up against my front door, kissing me so hard and long that I had to shove him off me to breathe, I thought that maybe he was the one. I told myself that no one had everything and waiting for perfection was stupid, especially if I, myself, was not without flaw. I needed to open my heart up to new possibilities. Prince Charming was not going to make it; I needed to stop waiting for him. All my friends were envious. The construction kept Keith‟s body hard and lean with long muscles and ropes of veins on his hands. I loved his hands, the strength in them and the calluses. Even as a project manager, not being the one actually doing the heavy lifting anymore, he still put

Again | Mary Calmes 37 great physical demands on his body. It was okay with me. I liked massaging out the aches and pains at the end of the day, my hands sliding over his warm bronze skin, leaning over to kiss and taste him, my fingers running the length of his spine. He was ready to take me to bed, but it had only been a month at the time and I wasn‟t ready. The truth of the matter was that I was stalling. Kissing was fine, blowjobs were fine, rubbing each other off was fine, but us together naked in my bed was far from it. In my bed meant that when Grace woke up in the morning, he would be there and she would have questions. Daily, she tiptoed down the hall from her room to mine and crawled under the covers with me. My door was always open—what would it mean if it were closed? So we were dating, and when I had seen him out with another guy, I felt a twinge of regret that I had not made the arrangement exclusive. Grace didn‟t understand when I wouldn‟t let her go say hello, but I had explained that Keith had other friends besides her Daddy. “Why?” “Because Keith doesn‟t live with us,” was all I could come up with. And that had made sense to her. “Like Uncle Pete and Uncle Rick.” “Yes.” Grace understood that her uncles were married, just like her grandparents. She wanted to know if, when a man came to live with us, she would then have two daddies. I told her it depended on what she wanted to call another man. “I won‟t have a mommy, huh?”

Again | Mary Calmes 38 “No, bunny,” I said without a shred of regret in my voice. I had always told her exactly who I was and who I was going to love. “Okay,” she had replied, beaming up at me. “Can I have a puppy?” For her, this was the bigger issue. She was five—five and a half, five and three-quarters, close to six—and the important things in her life were me and her hamster Pete (named after her uncle), her babysitter Brandi, and her friends. Keith was a visitor; she didn‟t count him as staying yet. When he showed up later that night at my door, there to apologize, I told him it was fine. We were dating, we weren‟t exclusive, and he could do what he wanted, sleep with whoever he wanted. “I want to sleep with you, Noah,” he had told me, grabbing and kissing me until I shoved him off. He was drunk, so I put him on the couch with aspirin and lots of water. He had felt like an ass in the morning, and even worse when Grace asked him who the man was. She wanted to know if he was going to kiss the man like he sometimes kissed me. He had no idea what to say. She was waiting. I didn‟t let him answer; she was too young to do logic with him. Like, if he wanted just to kiss me, why was he out with anybody else? That would have made no sense to her. She was black and white; gray was just confusing when you were almost six.

Again | Mary Calmes 39 The fact of the matter was that if it was just me, I would have slept with him already. But it wasn‟t just me. “I‟m ready to be in this, Noah,” he told me, but the following night I had to work late and I had seen him going into a bar downtown on my way home. When he was with me, he let his phone go to voice mail instead of answering. I wasn‟t stupid; I knew he was dating more than just me. And it was okay. We had a good time when we were together, but he wasn‟t ready to be a little girl‟s whole life. Now we were well into the fourth month of dating, and he wanted more. He wanted us exclusive; he wanted me to say it. His vision included us moving in and being a family. The idea of waking up in my bed, making breakfast, and driving Grace to school had become something he craved. He was ready, he told me, for his life to start, and he wanted that with me and my daughter. I kept thinking that I would wake up one morning and feel the same, but as the days went by, I never did. “Hey.” I looked up into the familiar green depths of the man‟s eyes. “Sorry.” “Thinkin‟ about me?” “I was… I am,” I confessed, shifting under him, wrapping my legs around his lean hips. “Good,” he said, bending to kiss me. “How ‟bout I pound you through the mattress?” “How ‟bout I get changed for the rehearsal dinner, and you call your friends.”

Again | Mary Calmes 40 He leaned his head against my chest. “One of these days you‟re gonna let me have you, Wheeler. I can‟t fuckin‟ wait.” I was happy that he didn‟t press it.

Again | Mary Calmes 41

Chapter Three THE rehearsal dinner was a blur of activity, and I dropped Grace off with Chelsea‟s little sister Cassidy in her room after we ate. Cassidy had agreed to watch the flower girl, who was Grace; the ring-bearer, Gigi; and the three-year-old who was going to carry Chelsea‟s train, Mandy. She loved kids, and at seventeen there wasn‟t a lot else she could do in Vegas on a Saturday night. I gave her my cell phone number and went with Chelsea and the bridal party and five other of her good friends to spend the last night of freedom with her. Keith left with friends of his who were in town for a poker tournament but made me promise to call the second I was headed back to the hotel. He gave my ass a nice squeeze to let me know what he wanted while he was in Vegas. We started the night dancing at Studio 54 at the MGM Grand and just went from there. I wasn‟t going to drink at all, but I knew Grace was in good hands and being on the strip, none of us was going to be doing any driving. We hit Tryst, and Rockhouse, Pure, and Tao, and we were having more drinks at yet another club with a spectacular rooftop view when Chelsea started hanging on me and telling me how much she loved me. “I know, sweetie,” I told her, hugging her tight. “I love you back.” “Noah, will I be happy?” I looked at her hard. “Of course; you love Shawn a lot.”

Again | Mary Calmes 42 “Do I?” I laughed at her phrasing. “I hope so.” “Do you love Keith?” “What does that have to do with anything?” I smiled at my inebriated friend. “I just… do you?” “Not yet,” I answered honestly. “But I will.” Everybody loved him. “And you should!” Lindsey Thompson, another of the bridesmaids, blurted out, leaning against me. “I mean, Noah, that man of yours… damn, I‟d fuck him.” I laughed at her. “Well, thanks, Linds, that‟s quite a compliment.” “Shit yeah,” she slurred, kissing my cheek sloppily. “Where‟s Beth?” I asked, looking around for the designated walker, as it were. She was the “drunk-wrangler” for the evening. We had rock-paper-scissored, and she lost. “There.” She pointed. The woman in question was at the bar ordering another Diet Coke. I waved. She flipped me off. When I started laughing, she tried very hard not to smile back, so she was growling when she reached the table. “You suck,” she snapped at me. “Awww.” I grinned, leaning over to kiss her cheek. “C‟mon, it‟s not my fault your skills do not include knowing that you always double paper as a move.”

Again | Mary Calmes 43 She pinched my side, or tried to. “There‟s no fat to grab.” I flexed a bicep for her. “Yes, yes, you‟re very pretty, but you still suck.” I arched an eyebrow for her. “Oh, could we not take this conversation to the gutter?” “I like the gutter.” “Me too!” Chelsea chimed in loudly, draping an arm around my neck, leaning on me. “Oh we know, Chelce,” Beth agreed, widening her eyes. “Did I tell you how great you look tonight?” Chelsea asked me seriously, grabbing my face, turning my head so our eyes met. “No,” I croaked out, talking with fish lips since she was squeezing my mouth. “Well, you do; you look positively edible. You‟ve got all the girls and all the boys checking you out.” It was a load of crap, and she was drunk, but it was sweet nonetheless. “Those jeans are hugging all the right things,” she said, admiring my long legs and narrow waist as she slid her hand across my chest. “Jesus, you‟re made nice.” I eased out of the grip that only your great-aunt normally held you in before smiling and then hollowing out my cheeks in rapid succession to get some feeling back in my face. “I love that you let this get long,” she murmured, brushing my hair back from my eyes. “You just get hotter with age, my friend.”

Again | Mary Calmes 44 “Well, thank you very much and right backatcha.” “The shirt looks good too,” she purred. “Crimson is good on you.” “Which is funny,” I chuckled, “because Gracie‟s the one who pick—” “Oh shit,” she cut me off. “What?” “I… oh fuck me.” “What?” I grinned. “Honey, you know that your girl parts are pretty, but they just don‟t do it for—” “That‟s not… is that… oh yeah, oh shit. Holy fuckin‟ shit.” She grabbed my hand as Dante Cerreto reached the table. “Hi,” he said gruffly, looking down at me. “Oh, hey.” I smiled up at him, admiring the navy-blue Donna Karan suit with the pale blue sweater underneath. It was softer, the color, than what he was wearing earlier. The hues set off his eyes. “You look nice.” The muscles in his jaw clenched. “What‟s wrong?” Before he could answer, the girls flocked. And I understood why: the man was simply mouth-watering. His smile made his blue-black eyes glitter under the lights of the club. The way the suit clung to his broad shoulders, showing off the whole V-line of the man, was stunning. When he spoke and the girls found the voice deep and resonant, they were enchanted. His hug for Chelsea was warm, and I watched her hesitance as she tried to make sense of how and why he was there. But more drinks came,

Again | Mary Calmes 45 which stopped her from questioning him and allowed him to return to his real agenda: me. The man had come looking for me, and when he shoved his hands into the pockets of his dress pants and turned those cobalt eyes from the group to my face, I understood that I had been looked for and found. He had hunted me down. “May I speak to you?” “Sure,” I whispered, sliding off my stool to walk around Chelsea to get to him. “You know,” Autumn Kinsey, another of the bridesmaids, chimed in, putting her hand lightly on his shoulder, “he‟s taken, but you can have any of the rest of us.” “He‟s not taken.” Dante exhaled slowly, his eyes never leaving mine even to address her. “I can assure you of that.” “Oh yes I am.” I was curt, walking away from him, heading toward the patio. As I reached the railing, he was suddenly beside me, close. We were silent, both of us staring out at the sparkling lights of the strip. “So,” he began after several minutes, clearing his throat, brushing my shoulder with his. “I spoke to Beck this afternoon after I saw you.” “Oh yeah?” “Yeah.” “And what did he have to say?” I asked as I leaned forward, elbows on the railing. “He told me what happened.” “I‟m glad.”

Again | Mary Calmes 46 There was a silence as I felt his fingers close around a long piece of my hair and curl it around my ear. It was surprising that the simple motion, his fingers brushing across my cheek, caused a flutter in my stomach and sent a shiver dancing over my skin. “You don‟t want to know what he said?” “Will it change anything?” “Maybe not.” I shrugged. “See.” “Look at me.” I turned and took him in, all of him. “You look good, you know.” “So do you.” His eyes running all over me told me that he had spoken the truth. He liked what he was looking at. “I always knew you‟d age well.” I smiled at him. He cracked a grin. “Like wine.” “Uh-huh.” “Or cheese,” I teased him, arching a brow for his benefit. There was a long sigh from him. “Noah, the whole thing was set up because I had to let the people who were watching me think we were breaking up.” “We were breaking up,” I assured him. “But the only reason we actually did was because Beck screwed me good.” “Why would he do that?” I asked as he reached out and brushed my hair out of my eyes, his fingertips tracing across my forehead. “Can I kiss you?”

Again | Mary Calmes 47 I was jolted because we weren‟t talking about kissing. I went from glancing at the skyline back to his eyes. “No.” “Why not?” “‟Cause I‟m with Keith.” “You are so not with Keith.” “What‟re you talking about?” “I saw you with him today,” he reminded me, a smile curling his lip. “I know what love looks like on you and that wasn‟t it.” “I beg to differ.” I straightened up, shifting to take a step away. He grabbed my bicep, stilling my motion. “You‟re mad and you‟re fighting just to fight with me.” “I‟m not mad,” I snapped at him, “I‟m irritated because you presume to know how I feel when I haven‟t seen you in almost six years.” “I know everything about you.” “Maybe you used to but—” “Still do,” he assured me, his eyes on mine. “You love me.” “I used to love you,” I corrected him. “No.” He shook his head as I tried to pull free. “You still do. No matter what you try and tell yourself, that little girl is mine and so are you.” “No.” He smiled tenderly. “Then kiss me and we‟ll see.” “I‟m not kissing you.” He let me go and I was going to walk away, but he took my hand in his and yanked me after him before I truly

Again | Mary Calmes 48 realized what was happening. He dragged me into a dark corner of the terrace, away from the bottle-service-only seating areas and the private cabanas, and shoved me hard up against the side of the building. He pressed up against me, letting me feel the strong body under the suit, and I had my hands on his chest to push him away as I lifted my head to tell him off. He bent to kiss me, his hand on my throat, and I said no. “Why?” he asked me, his voice hoarse and the muscles in his jaw clenching. “You only care about Gracie. I promise, you can see her.” “I can?” “Yes, she‟s your daughter.” “And you‟re her father.” “Yes.” “Well, I gotta tell ya, I want both of you.” “What?” I asked him, my panic changing to defeat. “Why?” “‟Cause everything I thought about my life got changed today.” “Dante—” “You two belong to me.” I shook my head as he bent and kissed me. And in that instant, when my heart leaped in my chest, I understood the difference between loving someone and being in love with someone. I loved Keith, I did, like a friend, but it paled in comparison to the depth of my feelings for the man who had

Again | Mary Calmes 49 walked out of my life six years ago. I was shaking when he moved to look down at me. His smile lit his eyes and he let out a deep breath. “Oh yeah, I remember you.” “No, I—” “Baby, you were supposed to meet me in Paris a month after the airport. That‟s how it was set up.” “What?” I was having trouble following what he was saying. “Beck wanted to keep me in, so he fucked with my life,” I was informed as his fingers slid over my jaw, his eyes soaking me in, his other hand on my hip, anchoring me to the wall. I shook my head. “I don‟t understand.” “Noah.” When I looked up, he kissed me again. The first one I couldn‟t have stopped; the second one was all me. I wrapped my arms around his neck, stood on my toes, and kissed him hard and long and deep. He tasted so good, and the moan came up out of me loud and lusty and full of aching, whimpering need. “Come with me,” he whispered into my hair. “No.” I was breathless as I pushed away from him. “Noah,” he rasped, reaching for me. “I thought you didn‟t want me. I thought all this time that you gave up on me, stopped loving me ‟cause I was gone so much.” “That‟s bullshit. You knew me better‟n that. You wanted to believe it so you could leave me.” “No.”

Again | Mary Calmes 50 “I don‟t believe you.” “You have to.” I shrugged. “Well I don‟t.” “Noah.” He grabbed my arms and pulled me back up against him, crushing me against his hard chest. “You were supposed to come to Paris. We were never supposed to be apart.” “And yet we have been for more than six years.” “But that‟s not my fault! That‟s Beck‟s fault, and—” “No.” I shook my head harder. “It‟s just not possible. This all can‟t be some bullshit misunder—” “It‟s not a misunderstanding! It‟s not you thinking one thing and me another; it‟s you specifically being given misinformation and me the same. Beck fucked us both.” “Dante—” “Kiss me again.” “No.” “God, I missed you.” He sounded pained. “There‟s not a day that goes by that I haven‟t thought of you.” “Me too,” I blurted out. “Then let me have you.” He grinned wickedly as he took me in his arms. I opened my mouth under his as I clung to him like I was drowning. One hand went to the back of my head, holding me there, the other to my ass. The kiss went on, all tongues and teeth and lips, and when he squeezed, I moaned into his mouth. He wedged his knee between my thighs, grinding into me, and I shoved at him to get him off.

Again | Mary Calmes 51 He yanked my head back hard, giving me the air I needed. I gasped under his powerful hands, the one pressing me forward, my now-swollen cock aching and leaking as he pressed against it, his hot mouth closing on the curve of my neck. “You are so fuckin‟ gorgeous…. God, Noah, I want you so bad.” I whimpered in the back of my throat. No one ever manhandled me like Dante Cerreto. No one had ever known exactly what I wanted, what I needed, and delivered it. “I like the belt,” he said, and I felt his fingers on the buckle, heard it jingle as it came free, “and these jeans are fuckin‟ hot.” There was the snap and then the slide of the zipper. “But this,” he murmured, bending toward me, his lips hovering over mine, our breath mingling, “is what I want to taste.” His fingers had slid under the elastic waistband of my briefs to wrap around my throbbing shaft, now wet and dripping. I arched up into him, my back bowing as I shuddered. “Oh yeah,” he growled, lifting me up, “put your legs around me.” I did as I was told, and he walked me back into a darker, secluded area. “Kiss me,” he demanded. “Really hard, really good, like you used to.” I wrapped my arms around his neck and pulled him down, our mouths crashing together as his lips parted, and I thrust my tongue inside. His low, deep groan was so sexy my brain shorted out, and I kissed him with everything I had.

Again | Mary Calmes 52 Our tongues tangled and the kiss got wet and ravenous—licking, biting—and then he suddenly dropped me on my feet and shoved me up against the wall, yanking my jeans and briefs to my ankles as he went to his knees. He looked up into my eyes as his lips swallowed the end of my cock. It felt incredible, but more, because it was Dante, and I had never, ever, even for a minute stopped loving him. Dear God in heaven I was in trouble. “Oh, baby, look at you.” His voice was gruff, low. “You‟re coming apart.” “Dante, stop.” “Are you kidding?” He stroked over my shaft, fingers sliding on the saliva and pre-come. “I saw you today and got hard just seeing you. I want to be inside you so bad…. I thought I was gonna die just looking at you.” I whimpered as his mouth took me back inside, sliding to the base, deep-throating me as he‟d always done in one long, smooth glide. He pulled back, and his tongue swirled around the engorged head, licking underneath, tracing the lines of veins before sucking me down again, the suction stronger, rougher, as he buried his nose in my groin. He leaned back, and I felt him slip his fingers into his mouth with my cock and then out again. When he pressed a finger to my entrance, I pushed back on it. “No more saying you don‟t want it,” he growled, forcing me around, face first into the smooth, cool wall, my legs kicked apart as far as the jeans around my ankles would allow.

Again | Mary Calmes 53 I heard the crinkle of foil, the tearing, his belt and zipper, then his hands were on my ass, spreading me, and the head of his cock was pressed to my entrance. “Noah,” he whispered, his breath hot in my ear. “Please,” I begged him. “Yes,” he said before he pushed forward deep inside my body. My muscles tensed, and the stretching pinched, burned, and then he fisted my cock and stroked from head to balls as he bit down on my shoulder. Only Dante knew every place to touch, to bite, not to ask if he could but to simply do. He thrust deep, and I cried out his name. “Jesus, Noah, you are so fuckin‟ tight,” he moaned, pulling out only to pound back into me. “Put your hands on the wall.” I leaned forward, fingers splayed, and he started pumping hard and deep, the strokes unrelenting. His hands were on my hips as he leaned forward and licked and sucked on the back of my neck, between my shoulder blades, and when he yanked my head back, on my throat. My head lolled back, notching against him, and his hand pressed into my abdomen, feeling the muscles move as he slid in and out of me. “You‟re even more beautiful than I remember and your body knows mine, wants mine; feel it, Noah, feel how well I fit inside you.” No one had ever filled me the way he did, felt the way he did. “I love being buried inside you. I missed it, missed you.” I needed him, there was no denying it.

Again | Mary Calmes 54 “I wanna be in bed with you. I want you to ride my cock, to wrap your legs around me. I want to feel all of you holding me.” He pulled out, and I almost screamed before he picked me up and put me down on a very cold, flat table. I gasped, startled from the chill, as he yanked off one boot then the other, dropping them, not caring, his only concern shucking me out of my jeans, throwing them and my briefs to the ground. He tugged me forward, put my legs up over his shoulders and slid his enormous cock back inside me. “Oh fuck yeah, baby, take it all.” He had always loved to watch his shaft disappear inside me. I grabbed my own leaking cock and started pumping. “Do it harder,” he commanded me. “Make yourself come.” My back arched as I rose up off the table, and he plunged in and out of me as my muscles squeezed around him, clenching tight. “Baby, come for me,” he cried out, as I felt the shudder tear through him. His face contorted in ecstasy, head back, every muscle and every line of him tense, corded, eyes closed, not breathing. He was a vision. The man with his jet-black hair and midnight-blue eyes was the second most beautiful thing I had ever seen, and with him buried inside of me, in rapture because of me, I was lost. I came hard, spurting over my hand, wrist, and abdomen. I rode a wave of white-hot, blinding euphoria,

Again | Mary Calmes 55 feeling it roll through me and out, over and over, until I was spent and boneless beneath him. “You‟re fuckin‟ beautiful,” he whispered, which made my heart hurt, at the same time reminding me of what I had just done. I was instantly swimming in guilt. “Shit,” I groaned, covering my face with my hands, roaring into them as he eased gently from my body. “What‟s wrong?” How could he even ask that? “Baby?” I growled, sat up, and shoved him back away from me. He was still wearing his suit jacket and the lightweight sweater; I was the only one naked from the waist down, my short-sleeved shirt having been torn open, the buttons flying in every direction. Yanking it off, I wiped myself with it, grabbed my underwear and jeans, pulled them on, still hopping on one leg, and then went in search of my boots. “What‟re you doing?” “Well, now I have to go back to my hotel room half naked and explain to the nice man waiting there that I cheated on him and we‟re over and—” “There‟s no way if it was serious at all that you would have let me put you up against a wall. That is not you.” “Oh no?” “No, dear,” he assured me with a very evil grin. “Loyal is how you‟re made.” “Oh yeah, because I—” “What are you even doing with him? Are you dating?”

Again | Mary Calmes 56 “I—” “Have you even fucked him?” “That‟s none of your business!” I was indignant. He grunted. “Yeah, I didn‟t think so.” “Help me find my boots,” I snapped at him. “I would like to point out that the night we met I had you in my car.” “Yes, remind me of one of my finer moments.” “Oh, it was fine.” His voice came out low and rumbling, and he tipped his head, staring at me. “And hot and sexy and wild. You look all sweet and innocent on the outside, but you fuck like a porn star.” “Charming.” He laughed at me. “May I just compliment your ass again? It‟s fuckin‟ gorgeous.” “Boots,” I growled at him. ”There‟s one under the table.” He cleared his throat. I pulled it on and looked around for the other one. “Plant.” “Shit.” “I‟ll go with you to explain things to Keith,” he said cheerfully, straightening his jacket, looking model perfect again, nothing out of place, even his hair that he had raked his fingers through. He had discarded the filled condom, tucked himself back in his pants, and was ready to follow me home. “Oh hell no!” “But I wanna see Grace.”

Again | Mary Calmes 57 “You—” “And after the wedding tomorrow, I wanna take you guys home with me to Venice.” “To Italy?” “To Maine.” He chuckled, his eyes warm with affection. “God, you‟re cute; come here.” “I am not going to—” “You‟ll love Maine.” He smiled wide, advancing on me. “I have an inn; we should have a white Christmas this year, and Gracie can make a snowman.” “Dante—” “And we can all go for a sleigh ride, and you can open a landscaping business—you still do that, right?” “Yeah, but—” “You can have your pick of where you want Gracie to go to school. There‟s a really good private Catholic—” “Are you high?” I yelled at him. “Dante, we live in Santa Monica and—” “Not anymore,” he assured me, grabbing my arm and yanking me up against him. “You live with me. You love me, I know you do, and Gracie will too. All I ever wanted was you.” I yanked free. “Well, you sure didn‟t try very hard to get me back.” “Are you kidding? What was I supposed to do? I had emails from you that—” “It was easy for you to leave. You—” He grabbed me and swept me forward into his arms, crushing me against him. “I never wanted to be apart; I thought it was what you wanted, and I thought you were

Again | Mary Calmes 58 unhappy. We were fighting about my job all the time, remember? I knew you wanted me to quit so I put it in motion. I had no idea that Beck screwed me over.” “Why didn‟t you check?” “I didn‟t think I had a right to.” I shook my head, pushing out of his arms, shivering in the cold night air. “Here,” he began, taking off his suit jacket. “No, don‟t do that.” I turned to leave. “Just… call me later and we—” “No.” His hands were back on me as he barred my escape. “I want you to go back to your room, get your stuff, get Grace, and come to my suite with me.” “Absolutely not,” I told him flatly. “Go find someone to marry and have kids with. That‟s what you‟re looking for, anyway. You want it easy—instant family to love and adore you.” “You‟ve got it all wrong. I—” “No,” I told him, stepping away. “You left me and my baby; there‟s no fixing that.” “There is.” “No.” I felt the tears well in my eyes, and I was so pissed off at myself. “Everything happens for a reason.” “Exactly right,” he agreed. “I didn‟t want to come on this trip and my Mom made me. Now I know if I hadn‟t, I would have hated you forever.” “Hated me?” I half yelled. “Sure. You gave up on me, and I loved you more than anything.”

Again | Mary Calmes 59 “You left me, Dante, not the other way around.” “But I didn‟t know that. I thought you left me.” “God, what a mess,” I groaned, walking away from him, needing air. I grasped the railing and looked back out at Las Vegas. “Noah.” His voice was tender as he walked up beside me, his hand warm on the back of my neck. “You can‟t think for a minute that I‟m just going to let you go.” “Let me?” I turned to look up at him. “Dante, I haven‟t even seen you for—” “Noah, love,” he soothed me, taking me gently into his arms, “you belong to me. So does Gracie. I know you think you owe Keith something, but I swear to you the only thing you owe him is goodbye.” “This is so not about Keith.” “Baby, if only you had gotten the letter I wrote this never—” “What letter?” I looked up into his face. “You wrote me a letter?” “Yeah.” His hand went around the back of my neck, his thumb tracing the length of my jaw. “What did it say?” He grinned shyly. “That you could yell at me in Paris.” “Yell at you for what?” “Kissing Cassandra.” He exhaled, leaning in to kiss me, gently, softly, just a brush of his lips over mine. “But you said you loved—”

Again | Mary Calmes 60 “No. Beck was supposed to tell you that my family and I were targets of Ernesto Shapiro. I was on that case at the time, and me and my folks and you all made his hit list.” “Somebody tried to kill you?” I asked, stepping out of his arms. “Yeah. They came after Cassandra because they thought it was her I was in love with. We closed that case; I did my part without any idea that I lost you in the process.” “Oh. So Cassandra, she… I mean, she never….” “I never loved her, Noah. It was the case, and we faked it all. You were supposed to come to the airport like you did, but then I thought you were acting too.” “But why didn‟t you call me to make sure I knew everything?” I asked. “Beck told me it wasn‟t necessary.” “But why did you believe him?” “What reason did I have for not believing him?” “I would think you would have wanted to tell me yourself,” I claimed. “And how was I supposed to do that without getting you killed?” “I don‟t know.” I stared up into his eyes, smiling suddenly. “What?” “Your daughter just looks so much like you.” His jaw clenched. “She has so many of your expressions.” “You‟re killin‟ me.”

Again | Mary Calmes 61 “No, I don‟t mean it like…. I just, I tried so hard to tell you. I sent so many letters.” “I know. Beck said you did.” “Where is he now?” “Retired. He lives in Wyoming.” “Is he sorry?” “No. He did what he thought was best.” “And I guess it was for them.” “But not for us.” “No.” I took a settling breath. “You know I went to see your folks.” “They were relocated and—” “Why wasn‟t I relocated?” “Well, back then I thought because it would have looked suspicious,” he answered me. “Now I know because Beck wanted to keep me in deep cover and not let you near me. He knew I wanted out. He knew that was going to be my last job.” “But you stayed in.” “Once I thought you didn‟t want me, there was no reason not to stay. The company was very good to me.” I nodded. “It‟s all so sad.” “But it doesn‟t have to be. We can be together now.” I turned away from him. “But, see, I have this whole life that you‟re not a part of anymore and—” “No.” He grabbed my arm and whirled me around. “I‟m Gracie‟s father; I should be in her life… in yours.” “Dante, that‟s just not—”

Again | Mary Calmes 62 He yanked me up close to him. “Noah, there‟s no way I‟m letting you go. Seeing you, seeing her… you‟re kidding, right? You think I can do that?” I shook my head. “You‟re no good for us.” “Oh, baby.” He smiled, tilting my head up, bending to kiss me. “I‟m the very best thing for you. I‟m supposed to be your husband. I‟m her Dad. I‟m the one you‟ve both been missing all this time.” His lips melted over mine, and his tongue slipping into my mouth as he wrapped his arms around me felt so good, so perfect, and so right. I was panting and breathless by the time he let me go, sliding his suit jacket across my shoulders. “C‟mon, baby, let‟s go get Gracie.” “I—” “And then we‟ll talk to Keith, okay?” I felt like I had been run over by a truck. A hot, gorgeous truck, who apparently loved me and my kid desperately, but still…. “I should see him alone.” “No.” He chuckled, lifting my chin. “You will never be alone again.” And he kissed me just to make his point.

Again | Mary Calmes 63

Chapter Four HE

HELD my hand through the club, hugged me in the

elevator, kissed me in the lobby, shoved me up against a wall, and mauled me on the street. My tonsils were checked in the lobby of the Venetian where I was staying and where apparently he had moved earlier that day. “You just changed hotels just like that?” “Just like that,” he told me, hand around the back of my neck easing me forward so he could kiss me again. “That must have cost a small fortune,” I said between breaths as he sucked on my bottom lip. “Had to—” He sucked on my tongue, which made my knees weak. “—be close to you and Grace. Nothing else matters.” The war raging inside of me was making my stomach churn. I wanted Dante so badly, and I felt like crap even though Keith and I had a wide-open relationship. “You don‟t like it, your deal with Keith, ‟cause it‟s not exclusive,” Dante said as he nibbled down the side of my neck. “I know.” It was scary that even after almost six years apart, the man still knew all about me. “Don‟t worry, I‟m here, and you belong to me, only to me.”

Again | Mary Calmes 64 I shivered hard and he grabbed me and hugged me tight. “Everything‟s gonna be okay.” I wanted to go back to my room, put on a shirt before I collected Grace, but Dante was adamant; he wanted her and me, now. When I walked in to get my daughter, I was not surprised that my night owl was awake when all the other girls had passed out. She was like me, nocturnal, and was still up watching a movie with Cassidy. When I went to reach for her, she zipped around me to get to Dante. He went down on one knee in front of her. “Hiya, cute stuff.” He grinned at her, pushing her hair out of her face. “Hi.” She gave him a big smile. “Are you here for me?” “Yes, I am.” “Are you gonna come see my toys?” “I would love that.” “Daddy told me your name was Dante.” “That‟s right.” “That‟s pretty.” “Thank you, your name is pretty too.” She nodded, as was her way, and took his hand. I shook my head because what the hell? My kid was shy and quiet; she didn‟t talk to strangers. But I saw her studying him, his eyes and his hair, and it was obvious she liked what she saw. Why? He looked like her, was the only one who did, but could it be that simple?

Again | Mary Calmes 65 While we were riding up the elevator, he leaned in and kissed my cheek, brushing his nose along my jaw. “Stop,” I cautioned him, even though my stomach had done flip-flops. “Why?” he whispered, and his voice was a deep, sexy growl as he pressed another to the side of my neck. “How come you‟re kissing Daddy?” Grace asked him. I motioned at my kid. “See what you did?” “I like kissing Daddy,” he told her, squeezing the little hand that was still in his. “Me too.” She smiled up at him. “Daddy smells good too.” She nodded. “In the morning when I wake up, he smells like sleep.” He chuckled. “I can‟t wait to smell Daddy in the morning.” “Are you going to kiss Daddy a lot?” “Yes.” She thought a minute. “Keith kisses Daddy.” “Not anymore,” he promised her. “Because Daddy can‟t kiss Keith and you.” “That‟s right.” “I like Keith,” she told him. “But he doesn‟t stay with us.” “I will.” Her eyes lit up. “You will.” I cleared my throat. “What?” he asked. “Gracie and I are talking.”

Again | Mary Calmes 66 “Please don‟t promise things that we haven‟t talked about,” I told him. “Kids don‟t bounce back like adults do.” “I would never promise anything I couldn‟t or wouldn‟t or didn‟t want to deliver on.” His gaze swallowed mine. “I swear.” “You‟re not listening to me.” “I heard every word.” He smiled at me and then turned back to Grace. “You‟re going to like living with me, sweetheart, I promise.” Her eyes were on his face, searching, and she nearly broke my heart when she bit her bottom lip. “Cross my heart.” She took a breath and nodded, deciding to trust him. My eyes flicked to his. “See.” He smirked at me. “It‟s all settled.” I elbowed him in the stomach. “Daddy,” she squeaked out, scolding me, patting Dante‟s rock-hard abdomen. He scooped her up, and she giggled as she was lifted into his arms. She put her hand in his hair and leaned her forehead against his. “Thank you for sticking up for me,” he told her. She nodded and then put her head down on his shoulder, wrapping her little arms around his neck. I couldn‟t even breathe. The picture they made together, her resting on him, peaceful, trusting, and him with his head leaning against hers, rubbing her back, holding her close. It was beautiful. And I knew she believed everything he said, had faith in him because I did. God what was wrong with

Again | Mary Calmes 67 me? I needed some time to think, to process everything. I had to be alone, just her and me like it had always been, so I could sift through my feelings and figure out what was for the best. It was imperative that I weigh it all out. And my brain was whirling as I slid the keycard into the lock. I had no idea that the blender that my life was had been switched to puree. “Shit!” Keith yelled. It took a minute for me to see what I thought I was seeing. “Outstanding,” Dante announced loudly, happily. What? Who? I stopped, rewound, and replayed it in my head. When I opened the door, Keith was on the bed, naked, and an equally naked man was on his knees in front of him with Keith‟s dick buried in his throat. Now, Keith was scrambling around the room gathering pants, shoes, socks, lube, and condoms. The other man—Wes, I thought, pretty sure it was Wes—one of his buddies, was frantically doing the same thing. “Oh my God!” I shouted, finally finding my voice. “This is so awesome!” I turned and looked at Dante. “What?” I threw up my hands because it should have been fairly obvious that “awesome” was not the appropriate word choice.

Again | Mary Calmes 68 Dante‟s smile could not have been any bigger, the delight on his face was infectious, and he waggled his eyebrows at me even as his hand was still covering Grace‟s eyes. “Dante, I can‟t see.” “I know, love,” he told her as he cackled, mouthing the word “awesome” again just in case I had missed it. “Is Keith here?” “No,” he told her, winking at me. “Keith doesn‟t just kiss Daddy.” “Oh I know, sweetie,” he told her, on the brink of losing it. I pointed at the other room and he nodded, his grin huge and wide and just plain evil. The second he left with my daughter, I rounded on Keith. “What the fuck?” I yelled at him. Hands up, he walked toward me. “Noah, baby, just listen to—” “Are you kidding?” I yelled again, pointing at Wes. “Is it Wes?” He turned to me, eyes huge. “Is it?” I barked at him. “Yeah,” he stammered. “So how long has this been goin‟ on, Wes?” “Oh no, Noah, it just—this was just—” “I‟m asking Wes!” I cut Keith off. “No, this… I… God.” “Noah.”

Again | Mary Calmes 69 My head swiveled back to Keith. “We just—” “The part I don‟t get is why cheat on me in my own room? It‟s Vegas, for crissakes! There‟s like fifty billion rooms on this strip alone! And you knew I was coming back! Did you wanna get caught? You must‟ve wanted to get—” “No, I—” “Were you thinking threesome?” Really it was the only thing that made sense. “Noah, you won‟t even have sex with me. You think I‟d ask you to do a three-way?” “But then….” I was at a loss. “I just don‟t—” “I thought you were gonna call me first.” “Oh.” I nodded, walking backwards. “I was supposed to call. That‟s right, I was going to warn you that I was coming back so you could take a shower and get all the spooge off.” “Noah—” “Are you kidding me?” We stood there, the three of us, staring. “Uhm.” Wes pointed at me. “Where‟s your shirt?” And it was suddenly pot-to-kettle stupid, and why was I pissed when I had just done the same thing myself? So because I was me, I had to think. What was I really mad about? “Noah?” I wasn‟t mad about me; I wasn‟t feeling betrayed. He could, in fact, screw anyone he wanted, a whole football team of guys if he felt the urge, because we weren‟t exclusive, so… what?

Again | Mary Calmes 70 “Noah.” Why was I mad? “Noah, goddamnit!” Grace. I was upset because her stuff, her things, were in the next room. Her toys and part of her DVD collection, her Nintendo DS, and her special fleece blanket were all there. The hotel room was like a mini version of my home for the weekend, and he had brought some guy into my house to fuck. That was the problem. That was where my irritation and indignation lay. “Noah!” Keith barked at me, grabbing the lapel of Dante‟s suit jacket, wrenching it aside so he could see the side of my neck. “Something you want to tell me?” Dante was a voracious lover and he always left marks. I was sure between my swollen lips, messy hair, and darkening hickeys that Keith could figure out what had transpired. I shoved him off me. “Just forget it; this is stupid.” “You‟re a cheating piece of shit!” “Hey.” Dante clapped his hands as he walked back into the room. “No name-calling. Gracie‟s watching Dora?” he asked me. “She said it was okay, is it okay?” “That‟s perfect,” I assured him. At least she wouldn‟t leave the room. “So are we all done here?” “You,” Keith snarled at him. “Oh no.” Dante‟s grin made his eyes sparkle. “Not me, you. It was all you. And I can‟t thank you enough. I mean,

Again | Mary Calmes 71 this whole thing could have been so fucked up if you were, like, the perfect guy, you know? I mean Noah would have felt bad and thrown himself on your mercy, and you could have actually kept him because he would have worried that he hurt you and all that shit, but now….” He was so excited. “Oh God.” His grin was effusive. “Now, we walk in here, and you‟re getting a blowjob from your buddy; you‟re both naked, ready to fuck! Oh my God, it‟s like Christmas came early!” “Can you stop,” I growled at him. “I‟m just”—he gestured at Keith—“trying to convey my thanks to the man.” “Stop.” “Fine,” he told me, smacking my ass. “Hurry up and get your stuff. Gracie and I already got all hers packed up.” “What?” I asked. “What?” Keith asked. “Maybe I should just go,” Wes chimed in. “You,” Dante ordered, pointing at me, “need to pack because I have a suite that we need to go to.” He turned to Keith. “You can have this room because I called downstairs and changed the billing on it; so stay here, go wild, fuck like bunnies, order room service. It‟s on me; you deserve it.” A turn of his head and he was looking at Wes. “And you should take Keith downstairs, play the slots for like a half an hour while we clear out, and then you can come back up here and begin the aforementioned bunny fucking.” “But we—” “Or”—he gestured toward the bathroom—“you can go screw in the bathroom. Just wait a sec until Noah grabs his crap outta there.”

Again | Mary Calmes 72 “I can‟t go to your suite,” I almost whined. Dante stepped in front of me, taking my face in his hands. “So you‟re gonna throw Keith out and expect me to sleep on the sheets that he was gonna fuck this guy on?” It made me sick to think about. I closed my eyes tight. “He‟s gonna sleep with you?” Keith sounded stunned. “What happened to not loving him anymore?” “He was mistaken,” Dante informed him, and I felt his breath feather across my face. “Weren‟t you, baby?” Why when Dante called me baby did it sound right, and when Keith used the same word it sounded trite? “I‟m so sorry, Keith.” I released the breath I hadn‟t realized I‟d been holding, my eyes opening slowly to reveal the blue-black eyes I used to see only in my dreams. “I‟m a coward and I don‟t deserve you.” “Did you want to maybe say that to me?” Keith yelled. But I could not manage to look away from the man I had loved since I was twenty-two years old. Who knew at thirtyone that it would still be all about Dante Cerreto? “You‟re right,” Dante told me, his thumbs brushing away the tears under my eyes. “You don‟t deserve Keith.” He leaned in to kiss my forehead before he turned, dropping his hands from me. “You deserve me.” I took a shuddering breath. “Not that I‟m some great catch.” His grin made his eyes sparkle. “But I‟m your kid‟s father, and there‟s nobody that loves you more than me.” Keith launched himself at Dante at that point, but unfortunately, his pants weren‟t actually pulled all the way up and he got tangled up in them. He tripped, hit the edge of

Again | Mary Calmes 73 the mattress, bounced up and sideways, and ended up crashing to the floor, winded, staring up at the ceiling, half naked with his flaccid cock flopped out on display. “Not graceful.” Dante‟s grin had become a monster; he was having the best time ever. “Why?” I asked, standing over Keith. “I just need to know. I mean, this is so out of character for you.” “Oh fuck you, Noah, I need to get laid.” All the romance, all the waiting, all of it had been bullshit. “I finally realized that you just don‟t like anal. I wish you would‟ve just come out and told me that because I like it and I miss it.” I was flooded with the memory of Dante, just an hour before, buried to his balls in my ass. My body shivered with the remembered sensation. “I mean, maybe no one ever showed you how good it can be, or, I dunno, but it was fine because I wanted you.” He sat up. “But I need it every now and then and so I get it.” I nodded. “So you and Wes, this isn‟t new.” “With Wes it‟s new,” he told me. “But it doesn‟t matter because we were never exclusive. You shouldn‟t care where I put my dick.” I took a step back into Dante. I hadn‟t realized he was so close, waiting and ready to take hold of me. I was instantly wrapped in his arms. “Love.” His voice rumbled in my ear. “Forget this; it‟s not worth your time.” I swallowed hard, feeling my face flush with heat.

Again | Mary Calmes 74 “And we both know he doesn‟t know you at all in or out of bed.” And Dante was right; it turned out that Keith didn‟t know me at all. “I wanna take you dancing.” He sounded excited, happy, his mouth behind my ear, sucking on my skin. “I miss doing that with you.” I eased away from him, headed for the closet. “I think if you guys could just step out until we‟re packed up, that‟d be great.” “I want to say goodbye to Grace,” Keith told me. Before I could speak, Dante answered him, his voice dripping ice. “Don‟t even go near the door.” “Is that right?” “Yeah, that‟s right.” “You know some bullshit secret agent moves where you can kill me with your pinky or something?” “No, man, I‟ll just break your goddamn arm if you even think about going near the fuckin‟ door. Stay clear of my man and my girl. Understand?” Apparently he did, because he and Wes were out of the room in seconds. Keith called me frigid and a cocktease on the way out, and I thought again how interesting it was that people could end so badly who had started out so well. I had my doubts that he and Wes would be back to do anything but pack. I could not see Keith letting Dante foot the bill for anything.

Again | Mary Calmes 75 “I‟m a bad person,” I groaned, having changed into a long-sleeved T-shirt to follow Dante from my room to his suite. The bellhop was in front of us with the luggage on a cart. Dante was carrying a passed-out Grace, and I was schlepping my overnight bag and Grace‟s Wonder Woman backpack. “You‟re not a bad person,” he told me, tipping his head so I would get in the elevator with the bellhop. “The room key‟s in my breast pocket.” I lifted his lapel and pulled out the card and swiped it on the inside strip by the buttons. Until that moment I hadn‟t realized that when he mentioned a suite, he meant that when the elevators swooshed open fifteen floors up from the twelfth where we had been, that we would be in the middle of his room. “Are you kidding,” I groaned. “Knock it off; tip him.” I gave the bellhop a twenty, it was late, after all, and when he left, the weight of my decision hit me hard. “No, no, no,” he cautioned me. “You don‟t get to fall apart yet; you gotta look around and tell me where you want me to put our kid.” Our kid. God. I walked into his bedroom; it was huge, as was the California king. “Well?” “We could call downstairs and have a cot brought up.”

Again | Mary Calmes 76 “Sure.” “Just put her in the bed for now.” I watched him put her down. She was the only thing that made sense at the moment, and so looking away from her was hard. “Hey.” I took a minute, but I finally turned my eyes on him. “Why don‟t you go take a shower,” he suggested. “That‟s a great idea. Where‟s the bathroom?” “Right there,” he pointed. I headed toward it. “Noah.” I stopped and he moved fast in front of me, sliding his hand around the back of my neck, drawing me close. “I just want to tell you that I‟m so glad you‟re here.” “I‟m a little overwhelmed.” “I know that.” He nodded. “I can tell. I know you.” He knew me. I bolted from the room. My plan was to stand under the water for hours, but I realized instantly how exhausted I was and so made it a quick one. I showered and changed into flannel pajama bottoms and was staggering back into the room when I heard voices. “Mother, go back to bed,” Dante growled. “I see my angel there,” she cooed. “Where is her father?” “I‟m her father.” “You gave her life; Noah is her father. Where is he?”

Again | Mary Calmes 77 “In the shower.” “Without him, even if you see her, you have no family.” “Mother—” “He was always so good for you. And I told you so long ago, yes, that you need to go to him, but your pride, Dante, your foolish pride. You thought he didn‟t want you and—” “Yeah I know all this. Just let me—” “I knew even when you did not that Noah loved you. Such a good man, and you would be lucky to have his heart again.” He cleared his throat. “Yes.” “Do not mess up. I want you to have a family. Do whatever you must but keep them both.” “That‟s my plan,” he said, his voice strained and shaky. Her soft sigh made me smile. “Come here. You make me old before my time but I love you.” I waited in the alcove between where the sink and toilet were and the bedroom until she was gone and I heard doors closing. When I managed to calm my racing heart, I walked in. “There you are.” I pointed at my daughter stretched out on the bed beside him. “That‟s a habit I‟ve been trying to break her of.” “But she‟s so cute,” he argued, getting up, walking by me. “I need to shower too.” I watched him go and walked over to the floor-to-ceiling window. The view was amazing, all the lights and the colors. I leaned forward, resting my forehead on the cool glass. What was I going to do? I had a life I couldn‟t leave, friends, a

Again | Mary Calmes 78 network for Grace, and taking her from all the people she loved was crazy. “What are you thinking about?” I lifted my head from the window and looked at him, freshly showered, towel drying his hair, standing there in his sleep shorts. “Those are cute.” “Well, normally, as you know, I sleep nude but…” He gestured at Grace. “I‟m a parent now, so not really an option anymore.” I nodded. “Dante, I—” “The inn is nice, you know,” he told me, tossing his towel on the closest chair. “You would like it. But I like California and I‟ve always wanted to open a security company.” “Dante, just—” “I could, you know, provide bodyguards for people, that sort of thing. Protecting people is something I know a lot about.” I cleared my throat. “You don‟t have to decide everything tonight; it‟s not necessary. I‟ll go home, you‟ll go home, and you‟ll come see us, visit, and decide if you like it. Grace and I will come visit you and see how you live. We have time now; we can make a decision, and if this thing with us works then we can go forward. If it doesn‟t, it doesn‟t.” I smiled at him. “We can figure something out so Grace sees you. I always wanted her to see you and know you.” His brows furrowed as he nodded. “Look at me.” “I am looking at you.” “No, really look at me.”

Again | Mary Calmes 79 I realized that I had been looking everywhere but into his eyes. If I looked into all that blue, I was done. “Dante—” “Look… at me.” My eyes hit his. “Two things and only two things are gonna happen here. I will either move to California, or you and Grace will move to Maine. That‟s it. If your life is solid and perfect in California, then I‟m there. If it‟s not, you should check out Maine. It‟s beautiful and the people in my town are amazing. But that‟s for you to decide because I don‟t care. I will live wherever you want. I will do whatever you want. The only thing that‟s nonnegotiable is that from right this second, I will not spend another minute away from that cute kid in the bed or you. I won‟t. I have lived for six years walking around like a fuckin‟ zombie. I go through the motions but I don‟t feel anything. When I came around the corner today and saw you, I thought I was gonna throw up.” I smiled at him. “That was it, huh? First reaction after six years? You felt like barfing?” “You know what I mean; everything just hit me at once.” I did know. “And I realized that from the last time I saw you in the baggage claim at LAX to right then, I hadn‟t felt a fuckin‟ thing.” I bit my lip so I wouldn‟t fall apart. He closed the distance between us, crowding me, pushing me back, back, into the wall, a hand on my cheek, the other over my heart. “I feel like me again. Just touching your face, I feel like me again. Do you understand?”

Again | Mary Calmes 80 I nodded. “I had Grace.” “I had nothing.” “She…. Everything is better with her.” “I can‟t wait to find out how amazing that will be because just this, you, in my hands; I swear to God, Noah, it‟s a fuckin‟ gift.” I lifted to offer the kiss, and he bent and accepted it. My hands went to his face and held tight so he couldn‟t move. I devoured his mouth with abandon, the want surging through me as the kiss, the endless, urgent, wet kiss drowned out the entire world. When he lifted just enough to drag in air, I pulled back to look at him. Swollen lips, heavy-lidded eyes, hair in wild disarray, panting, the man was looking slightly ravaged. “Why‟re you smiling?” he asked me, taking a last heaving breath in. “Because if we do anymore of that, we‟re gonna be in trouble since your folks are in the other room and Gracie‟s in here.” His smile was so warm, so full of happiness before he lunged at me, hugging me so tight, face buried down in my shoulder. “I love you so much. I never stopped, not for a second. God, Noah, please just tell me you‟re gonna stay with me no matter what. Please, just… please.” I kissed the side of his neck and then lifted to kiss his cheek. At six-three he had inches on me, enough so my head notched against him perfectly. “Next week is Thanksgiving. Why don‟t you come home with us, take Gracie to school for three days, and then on Wednesday night, we‟ll fly home

Again | Mary Calmes 81 with you and spend four days in Maine. We can talk, and you can spend time with Grace. How would that be?” He squeezed tighter, arm around my back, his hand in my hair. “Perfect, but just—” “I love you, Dante.” I chuckled, feeling the relief of letting the words out of the vault in my chest. “Always have, always will.” I thought he might have snapped ribs. “I can‟t breathe, asshole.” He kissed my nose and then let me go, smacking my ass when I turned. “What was that for?” He squinted at me. “It‟s not for anything. I just like smacking your ass, that‟s not new.” And it wasn‟t, just a forgotten detail. I grunted, moving around the bed, turning the light down low, close to off but not quite. “If she wakes up in the night and it‟s too dark, she‟ll be scared.” “Of course.” He nodded, watching me as I climbed into bed, slipping under the covers. “Cute pajamas, by the way.” “Shut up.” I yawned. He was chuckling as he lifted up, leaned over, and kissed me. “Good night, baby. I‟ll see you in the morning, and we‟ll tell Gracie the plan, okay?” “Okay. You know Gracie and I have a wedding to go to tomorrow.”

Again | Mary Calmes 82 “No, I know, my kid told me when I was in the bedroom with her.” He arched an eyebrow for me. “Chelsea‟s finally gettin‟ married huh? Is he loaded?” “That‟s a terrible thing to ask.” “Being comfortable was always a priority for her.” “Nice.” “Oh, c‟mon, she was my friend once upon a time too, you know.” “You could have talked to her a little when you saw her tonight at the club.” “It took everything I had to not jump you right there at the table,” he confessed. “I never could keep my hands off you.” I shivered and I saw his eyes narrow and heat. “Tomorrow….” I cleared my throat. “At the wedding, you can talk to Chelsea then.” “So I can be your plus one?” “Yeah, you‟ll have to watch Gracie though.” “Oh God, I dunno, that‟s a lot to ask.” “The sarcasm is not lost on me.” “No?” “Listen, I‟m sorry we can‟t just go home with you straight from here, but Gracie has school on Monday so checking out the inn will have to wait a few days.” “It‟s fine. I get to go home with you; I could care less about the logistics.” “What about your inn?”

Again | Mary Calmes 83 “That‟s the great part of having people you trust who work for you. I have an amazing manager as well as a concierge. They‟ll take care of everything.” “Is it really in Venice?” “Yeah.” “So in Venice, Maine, there is an inn owned and run by a Cerreto.” I smiled at him. “That sort of makes sense, huh?” He leaned over and kissed me again. “I think the reason that you didn‟t sleep with that perfectly good, though deluded, man, was that you knew he was no good for you.” “I‟ve got news for you: I‟ve slept with lots of men in the past six years,” I assured him. Like I‟d been pining for him the whole time—the very thought was ridiculous. “Oh yeah? Name ‟em.” Shit. He always called me on things; I was never allowed to just make a random statement. I had forgotten for a moment who I was talking to. He was quiet, I was quiet. “Waiting.” He snickered. “Just hold on.” That couldn‟t be right. “I‟ve given a lot of blowjobs,” I boasted, trying to sound like I cared. “Which thinking about you doing to anyone but me, just the idea, is making me crazy, but I‟m dealing with it.” “Dante, come on. I bet you‟ve been with a ton of guys.” He rolled his head to look at me. “I tried to. I wanted to. But when I got close, it just didn‟t feel right.” “You were a big player before I met you.” I chuckled.

Again | Mary Calmes 84 “It‟s true,” he said smugly, grinning wide, “but somewhere over the course of the four years we were together, you changed me from a guy who wanted the right now to a guy who wanted the forever. I wanted you, Noah, and that‟s it.” “No wonder you threw me up against a wall.” I laughed at him, covering my face with a pillow so I wouldn‟t wake up my daughter. He rolled over on top of me, straddling my thighs, and I jolted under him because I was afraid he‟d squash Grace. But he had moved her, and when I threw the pillow off, I saw that she was on the other side of the bed, arms over her head in the wave impression she always slept in. “What is she doing, the wave?” It was awesome that he saw that. “Yeah.” “It‟s cute.” I nodded as he bent and kissed my right eye. “We can‟t do anything with our small child in the room,” I told him. “Yeah, I know that,” he told me, “and just seeing her there pretty much steamrolls flat my libido.” He chuckled. “But I still like having you under me, and for the record: I threw you up against the wall because I always threw you up against a wall because you fuckin‟ love it.” I reached up for him, framing his face in my hands. “I do love it. You being rough or gentle, either way, any way, always, you know, I love it.” He bent and kissed me, and when he lengthened his body, all six-three, two hundred twenty pounds of rippling muscle pinning me to the bed, I whimpered out my pleasure.

Again | Mary Calmes 85 When he moved, I rolled to my side and drew his arm around me. I felt him twitch against my back. “You okay?” He didn‟t speak but his face, buried in my hair, one arm under my head, the other drawing tight around my waist, let me understand. Going to sleep with me in his arms had been one of his favorite things in the world; apparently, nothing had changed. “I‟m gonna make you and that kid so fuckin‟ happy.” I knew that. “And you‟re gonna love Christmas in Maine.” “We‟ll see where we end up living.” “Like I said, I could give a shit, just as long as I get to be with you and my girl.” “We‟re all yours.” And I laughed when he rolled me over on my back and pounced on me. Apparently we were, in fact, going to have to go lock ourselves in the bathroom.

Again | Mary Calmes 86

Chapter Five I

WOKE up late, which for me was right around eight. Grace

usually had me up, even on weekends, around six thirty. When I came staggering out of the bedroom, I saw the family. Everyone was there except me. “Daddy!” My girl came running, and I bent and scooped her up, hugging her tight. “He‟s my grandpa, did you know that?” Oh God. I shot Dante a look. He smiled back. “I gotta find my phone, monkey,” I told her. “Your phone rang this morning, Daddy, and Papa talked to Aunt Chelsea and Uncle Pete already.” Papa? I looked over at Dante. He looked worried. “Could you come here, please?” He put down the newspaper he was reading and rose from the table. Grace left me and ran over to him, stopping before she reached him and launching herself through the air. She was getting bigger, heavier, and not everyone could handle thirty-five pounds coming at them like a cannonball. Some people, some men I had dated, didn‟t like it, asked her

Again | Mary Calmes 87 not to do it. But not Dante. His face, the smile, told me he was enchanted with every little piece of her, even the projectile part that had the potential to injure him. He caught her easily, swung her around, and tucked her up against him as he reached me. Big strong man that he was, he lifted her easily, and she liked that, I could tell. “If he‟s Grandpa,” he told me gently, “then I have to be Papa. It‟s logical.” “Where‟s my phone?” “I‟ll get it,” Grace told me. Dante put her down and she bolted away as he stepped in front of me, his hand on the side of my neck. “I didn‟t ask, she just came out with it, and of course I love it.” I searched his eyes. “I‟m not gonna stand here and lie and tell you that I don‟t want her to love me right this second, because… I want her to love me right this second.” He smiled at me, his other hand on my cheek. “But I don‟t want you to worry that I‟m not gonna be around. Whether you like it or not, I‟m not going anywhere. If you decide you hate me and don‟t want to have sex with me in bathrooms anymore”—his grin was wicked, reminding me of what we had done in cramped quarters the night before—“you‟re still stuck with me. I will not disappoint that kid. She‟s gonna hate me when she‟s sixteen and she wants to date and she‟ll have to be at least a brown belt before I let her, but other than that she and I are gonna be best friends. All I ever wanted was to have a baby with you, you know that. And now I have one, but I missed five years. You think I‟m gonna miss even one more second?”

Again | Mary Calmes 88 I nodded. “I don‟t matter. Only she matters.” He cradled my face in his hands. “I get what you‟re saying, that when you‟re a parent the kid always comes first. Okay, agreed, but, baby, you matter to me. I love you both.” He understood the responsibility that came with a child‟s heart. I leaned into him and let him tuck me against his chest. “Man, Pete is pissed at me.” I jolted and took a step back so I could look up at him. He chuckled. “We talked for a bit this morning; he had a lot to say. I can‟t wait to see him. I think he‟s on his way up with Rick. I guess they‟re in this hotel too.” Dear God. “Oh and I got a nice e-mail back from Sarah.” “What?” “I got the address out of your phone and sent her a note. I wanted to thank her for everything, even though it was late.” “Dante—” “I told her the whole story, and… I forgot how great she was.” He smiled, turning to return to the table. “You should eat something before this day gets nuts. Weddings are tiring.” I felt like I was back in the blender. “I told Sarah about the inn. She said she would really try and make it for Christmas. Her job sounds fascinating, huh? Forensic anthropologist, like that show Bones.” “Here, Daddy.” Grace giggled, handing me my phone. “You look weird. Kinda gray.”

Again | Mary Calmes 89 I looked down at her. “But I like gray,” she assured me, smiling, nodding like I was a simpleton. “Gray‟s one of her favorite colors,” Dante reminded me. “Which is lucky because you‟re kind of that color right now.” Looking at him, his parents, Claudio, all of them unconcerned, accepting, like all of this, me and Grace there with them, was totally and completely normal, settled me. This was what family looked like, and I knew it because when Grace and I visited my parents, it looked just the same. “Pete‟s gonna blow a gasket,” I told Dante. “He already did.” He smiled, sitting back down at the table, pulling out a chair for me beside him. “But that‟s okay; when I explain it all to him, he‟ll get it; he always kind of had a thing for me, anyway.” “Really?” He nodded, the wicked grin back in place. “Come here.” I walked over and sat down and got a kiss on the cheek as he poured me some coffee. Grace, without asking, crawled into his lap and started buttering toast. “This is for you, Dad,” she explained to me. “You never eat breakfast.” “And it‟s the most important meal of the day,” Dante told her, supervising the use of the butter knife. “Nice smearing.” She nodded, tipped her head back, and kissed him under the chin. “God.” I couldn‟t help choking up. “She‟s crazy about you.”

Again | Mary Calmes 90 “‟Course.” He leaned sideways to kiss my temple. “She knows I‟m crazy about her—and her Dad.” And he was. “That‟s all that really matters.” So true.

About the Author

MARY CALMES currently lives in Honolulu, Hawaii, with her husband and two children and hopes to eventually move off the rock to a place where her children can experience fall and even winter. She graduated from the University of the Pacific (ironic) in Stockton, California, with a bachelor‟s degree in English literature. Due to the fact that it is English lit and not English grammar, do not ask her to point out a clause for you, as it will so not happen. She loves writing, becoming immersed in the process, and falling into the work. She can even tell you what her characters smell like. She works at a copy store but has been unable to incorporate that into a book... yet. She also buys way too many books on Amazon.

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Copyright

Again ©Copyright Mary Calmes, 2011 Published by Dreamspinner Press 4760 Preston Road Suite 244-149 Frisco, TX 75034 http://www.dreamspinnerpress.com/ This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents either are the product of the authors’ imagination or are used fictitiously, and any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, business establishments, events, or locales is entirely coincidental. Cover Art by Reese Dante http://www.reesedante.com This book is licensed to the original purchaser only. Duplication or distribution via any means is illegal and a violation of International Copyright Law, subject to criminal prosecution and upon conviction, fines, and/or imprisonment. This eBook cannot be legally loaned or given to others. No part of this eBook can be shared or reproduced without the express permission of the Publisher. To request permission and all other inquiries, contact Dreamspinner Press at: 4760 Preston Road, Suite 244-149, Frisco, TX 75034 http://www.dreamspinnerpress.com/ Released in the United States of America July 2011 eBook Edition eBook ISBN: 978-1-61372-055-4